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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour
+
+Author: R. S. Surtees
+
+Release Date: October 28, 2005 [EBook #16957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. SPONGE'S SPORTING TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Michael Ciesielski, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour.
+
+
+R.S. Surtees
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Sponge completely scatters his Lordship_]
+
+
+Transcriber's Note: Minor typos corrected and footnotes moved
+to end of text.
+
+TO
+
+THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD ELCHO,
+
+IN GRATITUDE
+
+FOR MANY SEASONS OF EXCELLENT SPORT WITH HIS HOUNDS,
+
+ON THE BORDER.
+
+THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED,
+
+BY HIS
+
+OBLIGED AND FAITHFUL SERVANT,
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The author gladly avails himself of the convenience of a Preface for
+stating, that it will be seen at the close of the work why he makes such a
+characterless character as Mr. Sponge the hero of his tale.
+
+He will be glad if it serves to put the rising generation on their guard
+against specious, promiscuous acquaintance, and trains them on to the noble
+sport of hunting, to the exclusion of its mercenary, illegitimate
+off-shoots.
+
+_November 1852_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+OUR HERO
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was a murky October day that the hero of our tale, Mr. Sponge, or Soapey
+Sponge, as his good-natured friends call him, was seen mizzling along
+Oxford Street, wending his way to the West. Not that there was anything
+unusual in Sponge being seen in Oxford Street, for when in town his daily
+perambulations consist of a circuit, commencing from the Bantam Hotel in
+Bond Street into Piccadilly, through Leicester Square, and so on to
+Aldridge's, in St. Martin's Lane, thence by Moore's sporting-print shop,
+and on through some of those ambiguous and tortuous streets that, appearing
+to lead all ways at once and none in particular, land the explorer, sooner
+or later, on the south side of Oxford Street.
+
+Oxford Street acts to the north part of London what the Strand does to the
+south: it is sure to bring one up, sooner or later. A man can hardly get
+over either of them without knowing it. Well, Soapey having got into Oxford
+Street, would make his way at a squarey, in-kneed, duck-toed, sort of pace,
+regulated by the bonnets, the vehicles, and the equestrians he met to
+criticize; for of women, vehicles, and horses, he had voted himself a
+consummate judge. Indeed, he had fully established in his own mind that
+Kiddey Downey and he were the only men in London who _really_ knew anything
+about, horses, and fully impressed with that conviction, he would halt, and
+stand, and stare, in a way that with any other man would have been
+considered impertinent. Perhaps it was impertinent in Soapey--we don't mean
+to say it wasn't--but he had done it so long, and was of so sporting a gait
+and cut, that he felt himself somewhat privileged. Moreover, the majority
+of horsemen are so satisfied with the animals they bestride, that they cock
+up their jibs and ride along with a 'find any fault with either me or my
+horse, if you can' sort of air.
+
+Thus Mr. Sponge proceeded leisurely along, now nodding to this man, now
+jerking his elbow to that, now smiling on a phaeton, now sneering at a
+'bus. If he did not look in at Shackell's or Bartley's, or any of the
+dealers on the line, he was always to be found about half-past five at
+Cumberland Gate, from whence he would strike leisurely down the Park, and
+after coming to a long check at Rotten Row rails, from whence he would pass
+all the cavalry in the Park in review, he would wend his way back to the
+Bantam, much in the style he had come. This was his summer proceeding.
+
+Mr. Sponge had pursued this enterprising life for some 'seasons'--ten at
+least--and supposing him to have begun at twenty or one-and-twenty, he
+would be about thirty at the time we have the pleasure of introducing him
+to our readers--a period of life at which men begin to suspect they were
+not quite so wise at twenty as they thought. Not that Mr. Sponge had any
+particular indiscretions to reflect upon, for he was tolerably sharp, but
+he felt that he might have made better use of his time, which may be
+shortly described as having been spent in hunting all the winter, and in
+talking about it all the summer. With this popular sport he combined the
+diversion of fortune-hunting, though we are concerned to say that his
+success, up to the period of our introduction, had not been commensurate
+with his deserts. Let us, however, hope that brighter days are about to
+dawn upon him.
+
+Having now introduced our hero to our male and female friends, under his
+interesting pursuits of fox and fortune-hunter, it becomes us to say a few
+words as to his qualifications for carrying them on.
+
+Mr. Sponge was a good-looking, rather vulgar-looking man. At a
+distance--say ten yards--his height, figure, and carriage gave him somewhat
+of a commanding appearance, but this was rather marred by a jerky, twitchy,
+uneasy sort of air, that too plainly showed he was not the natural, or what
+the lower orders call the _real_ gentleman. Not that Sponge was shy. Far
+from it. He never hesitated about offering to a lady after a three days'
+acquaintance, or in asking a gentleman to take him a horse in over-night,
+with whom he might chance to come in contact in the hunting-field. And he
+did it all in such a cool, off-hand, matter-of-course sort of way, that
+people who would have stared with astonishment if anybody else had hinted
+at such a proposal, really seemed to come into the humour and spirit of the
+thing, and to look upon it rather as a matter of course than otherwise.
+Then his dexterity in getting into people's houses was only equalled by the
+difficulty of getting him out again, but this we must waive for the present
+in favour of his portraiture.
+
+In height, Mr. Sponge was above the middle size--five feet eleven or
+so--with a well borne up, not badly shaped, closely cropped oval head, a
+tolerably good, but somewhat receding forehead, bright hazel eyes, Roman
+nose, with carefully tended whiskers, reaching the corners of a well-formed
+mouth, and thence descending in semicircles into a vast expanse of hair
+beneath the chin.
+
+Having mentioned Mr. Sponge's groomy gait and horsey propensities, it were
+almost needless to say that his dress was in the sporting style--you saw
+what he was by his clothes. Every article seemed to be made to defy the
+utmost rigour of the elements. His hat (Lincoln and Bennett) was hard and
+heavy. It sounded upon an entrance-hall table like a drum. A little magical
+loop in the lining explained the cause of its weight. Somehow, his hats
+were never either old or new--not that he bought them second-hand, but
+when he got a new one he took its 'long-coat' off, as he called it, with a
+singeing lamp, and made it look as if it had undergone a few probationary
+showers.
+
+When a good London hat recedes to a certain point, it gets no worse; it is
+not like a country-made thing that keeps going and going until it declines
+into a thing with no sort of resemblance to its original self. Barring its
+weight and hardness, the Sponge hat had no particular character apart from
+the Sponge head. It was not one of those punty ovals or Cheshire-cheese
+flats, or curly-sided things that enables one to say who is in a house and
+who is not, by a glance at the hats in the entrance, but it was just a
+quiet, round hat, without anything remarkable, either in the binding, the
+lining, or the band, but still it was a very becoming hat when Sponge had
+it on. There is a great deal of character in hats. We have seen hats that
+bring the owners to the recollection far more forcibly than the generality
+of portraits. But to our hero.
+
+That there may be a dandified simplicity in dress, is exemplified every day
+by our friends the Quakers, who adorn their beautiful brown Saxony coats
+with little inside velvet collars and fancy silk buttons, and even the
+severe order of sporting costume adopted by our friend Mr. Sponge is not
+devoid of capability in the way of tasteful adaptation. This Mr. Sponge
+chiefly showed in promoting a resemblance between his neck-cloths and
+waistcoats. Thus, if he wore a cream-coloured cravat, he would have a
+buff-coloured waistcoat, if a striped waistcoat, then the starcher would be
+imbued with somewhat of the same colour and pattern. The ties of these
+varied with their texture. The silk ones terminated in a sort of coaching
+fold, and were secured by a golden fox-head pin, while the striped
+starchers, with the aid of a pin on each side, just made a neat,
+unpretending tie in the middle, a sort of miniature of the flagrant,
+flyaway, Mile-End ones of aspiring youth of the present day. His coats were
+of the single-breasted cut-away order, with pockets outside, and generally
+either Oxford mixture or some dark colour, that required you to place him
+in a favourable light to say what it was.
+
+His waistcoats, of course, were of the most correct form and material,
+generally either pale buff, or buff with a narrow stripe, similar to the
+undress vests of the servants of the Royal Family, only with the pattern
+run across instead of lengthways, as those worthies mostly have theirs, and
+made with good honest step collars, instead of the make-believe roll
+collars they sometimes convert their upright ones into. When in deep
+thought, calculating, perhaps, the value of a passing horse, or considering
+whether he should have beefsteaks or lamb chops for dinner, Sponge's thumbs
+would rest in the arm-holes of his waistcoat; in which easy, but not very
+elegant, attitude he would sometimes stand until all trace of the idea that
+elevated them had passed away from his mind.
+
+In the trouser line he adhered to the close-fitting costume of former days;
+and many were the trials, the easings, and the alterings, ere he got a pair
+exactly to his mind. Many were the customers who turned away on seeing his
+manly figure filling the swing mirror in 'Snip and Sneiders',' a monopoly
+that some tradesmen might object to, only Mr. Sponge's trousers being
+admitted to be perfect 'triumphs of the art,' the more such a walking
+advertisement was seen in the shop the better. Indeed, we believe it would
+have been worth Snip and Co.'s while to have let him have them for nothing.
+They were easy without being tight, or rather they looked tight without
+being so; there wasn't a bag, a wrinkle, or a crease that there shouldn't
+be, and strong and storm-defying as they seemed, they were yet as soft and
+as supple as a lady's glove. They looked more as if his legs had been blown
+in them than as if such irreproachable garments were the work of man's
+hands. Many were the nudges, and many the 'look at this chap's trousers,'
+that were given by ambitious men emulous of his appearance as he passed
+along, and many were the turnings round to examine their faultless fall
+upon his radiant boot. The boots, perhaps, might come in for a little of
+the glory, for they were beautifully soft and cool-looking to the foot,
+easy without being loose, and he preserved the lustre of their polish, even
+up to the last moment of his walk. There never was a better man for getting
+through dirt, either on foot or horseback, than our friend.
+
+To the frequenters of the 'corner,' it were almost superfluous to mention
+that he is a constant attendant. He has several volumes of 'catalogues,'
+with the prices the horses have brought set down in the margins, and has a
+rare knack at recognizing old friends, altered, disguised, or disfigured as
+they may be--'I've seen that rip before,' he will say, with a knowing shake
+of the head, as some woe-begone devil goes, best leg foremost, up to the
+hammer, or, 'What! is that old beast back? why he's here every day.' No man
+can impose upon Soapy with a horse. He can detect the rough-coated
+plausibilities of the straw-yard, equally with the metamorphosis of the
+clipper or singer. His practised eye is not to be imposed upon either by
+the blandishments of the bang-tail, or the bereavements of the dock.
+Tattersall will hail him from his rostrum with--'Here's a horse will suit
+you, Mr. Sponge! cheap, good, and handsome! come and buy him.' But it is
+needless describing him here, for every out-of-place groom and
+dog-stealer's man knows him by sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+MR. BENJAMIN BUCKRAM
+
+
+Having dressed and sufficiently described our hero to enable our readers to
+form a general idea of the man, we have now to request them to return to
+the day of our introduction. Mr. Sponge had gone along Oxford Street at a
+somewhat improved pace to his usual wont--had paused for a shorter period
+in the ''bus' perplexed 'Circus,' and pulled up seldomer than usual between
+the Circus and the limits of his stroll. Behold him now at the Edgeware
+Road end, eyeing the 'buses with a wanting-a-ride like air, instead of the
+contemptuous sneer he generally adopts towards those uncouth productions.
+Red, green, blue, drab, cinnamon-colour, passed and crossed, and jostled,
+and stopped, and blocked, and the cads telegraphed, and winked, and nodded,
+and smiled, and slanged, but Mr. Sponge regarded them not. He had a sort of
+''bus' panorama in his head, knew the run of them all, whence they started,
+where they stopped, where they watered, where they changed, and, wonderful
+to relate, had never been entrapped into a sixpenny fare when he meant to
+take a threepenny one. In cab and ''bus' geography there is not a more
+learned man in London.
+
+Mark him as he stands at the corner. He sees what he wants, it's the
+chequered one with the red and blue wheels that the Bayswater ones have got
+between them, and that the St. John's Wood and two Western Railway ones are
+trying to get into trouble by crossing. What a row! how the ruffians whip,
+and stamp, and storm, and all but pick each other's horses' teeth with
+their poles, how the cads gesticulate, and the passengers imprecate! now
+the bonnets are out of the windows, and the row increases. Six coachmen
+cutting and storming, six cads sawing the air, sixteen ladies in flowers
+screaming, six-and-twenty sturdy passengers swearing they will 'fine them
+all,' and Mr. Sponge is the only cool person in the scene. He doesn't rush
+into the throng and 'jump in,' for fear the 'bus should extricate itself
+and drive on without him; he doesn't make confusion worse confounded by
+intimating his behest; he doesn't soil his bright boots by stepping off the
+kerb-stone; but, quietly waiting the evaporation of the steam, and the
+disentanglement of the vehicles, by the smallest possible sign in the
+world, given at the opportune moment, and a steady adhesion to the flags,
+the 'bus is obliged either to 'come to,' or lose the fare, and he steps
+quietly in, and squeezes along to the far end, as though intent on going
+the whole hog of the journey.
+
+Away they rumble up the Edgeware Road; the gradual emergence from the brick
+and mortar of London being marked as well by the telling out of passengers
+as by the increasing distances between the houses. First, it is all close
+huddle with both. Austere iron railings guard the subterranean kitchen
+areas, and austere looks indicate a desire on the part of the passengers to
+guard their own pockets; gradually little gardens usurp the places of the
+cramped areas, and, with their humanizing appearance, softer looks assume
+the place of frowning _anti_ swell-mob ones.
+
+Presently a glimpse of green country or of distant hills may be caught
+between the wider spaces of the houses, and frequent settings down increase
+the space between the passengers; gradually conservatories appear and
+conversation strikes up; then come the exclusiveness of villas, some
+detached and others running out at last into real pure green fields studded
+with trees and picturesque pot-houses, before one of which latter a sudden
+wheel round and a jerk announces the journey done. The last passenger (if
+there is one) is then unceremoniously turned loose upon the country.
+
+Our readers will have the kindness to suppose our hero, Mr. Sponge, shot
+out of an omnibus at the sign of the Cat and Compasses, in the full
+rurality of grass country, sprinkled with fallows and turnip-fields. We
+should state that this unwonted journey was a desire to pay a visit to Mr.
+Benjamin Buckram, the horse-dealer's farm at Scampley, distant some mile
+and a half from where he was set down, a space that he now purposed
+travelling on foot.
+
+Mr. Benjamin Buckram was a small horse-dealer--small, at least, when he was
+buying, though great when he was selling. It would do a youngster good to
+see Ben filling the two capacities. He dealt in second hand, that is to
+say, past mark of mouth horses; but on the present occasion, Mr. Sponge
+sought his services in the capacity of a letter rather than a seller of
+horses. Mr. Sponge wanted to job a couple of plausible-looking horses, with
+the option of buying them, provided he (Mr. Sponge) could sell them for
+more than he would have to give Mr. Buckram, exclusive of the hire. Mr.
+Buckram's job price, we should say, was as near twelve pounds a month,
+containing twenty-eight days, as he could screw, the hirer, of course,
+keeping the animals.
+
+Scampley is one of those pretty little suburban farms, peculiar to the
+north and north-west side of London--farms varying from fifty to a hundred
+acres of well-manured, gravelly soil; each farm with its picturesque little
+buildings, consisting of small, honey-suckled, rose-entwined brick houses,
+with small, flat, pan-tiled roofs, and lattice-windows; and, hard by, a
+large hay-stack, three times the size of the house, or a desolate barn,
+half as big as all the rest of the buildings. From the smallness of the
+holdings, the farmhouses are dotted about as thickly, and at such varying
+distances from the roads, as to look like inferior 'villas,' falling out of
+rank; most of them have a half-smart, half-seedy sort of look.
+
+The rustics who cultivate them, or rather look after them, are neither
+exactly town nor country. They have the clownish dress and boorish gait of
+the regular 'chaws,' with a good deal of the quick, suspicious, sour
+sauciness of the low London resident. If you can get an answer from them at
+all, it is generally delivered in such a way as to show that the answerer
+thinks you are what they call 'chaffing them,' asking them what you know.
+
+These farms serve the double purpose of purveyors to the London stables,
+and hospitals for sick, overworked, or unsaleable horses. All the great
+job-masters and horse-dealers have these retreats in the country, and the
+smaller ones pretend to have, from whence, in due course, they can draw any
+sort of an animal a customer may want, just as little cellarless
+wine-merchants can get you any sort of wine from real establishments--if
+you only give them time.
+
+There was a good deal of mystery about Scampley. It was sometimes in the
+hands of Mr. Benjamin Buckram, sometimes in the hands of his assignees,
+sometimes in those of his cousin, Abraham Brown, and sometimes John Doe and
+Richard Roe were the occupants of it.
+
+Mr. Benjamin Buckram, though very far from being one, had the advantage of
+looking like a respectable man. There was a certain plump, well-fed
+rosiness about him, which, aided by a bright-coloured dress, joined to a
+continual fumble in the pockets of his drab trousers, gave him the air of a
+'well-to-do-in-the-world' sort of man. Moreover, he sported a velvet collar
+to his blue coat, a more imposing ornament than it appears at first sight.
+To be sure, there are two sorts of velvet collars--the legitimate velvet
+collar, commencing with the coat, and the adopted velvet collar, put on
+when the cloth one gets shabby.
+
+Buckram's was always the legitimate velvet collar, new from the first, and,
+we really believe, a permanent velvet collar, adhered to in storm and in
+sunshine, has a very money-making impression on the world. It shows a
+spirit superior to feelings of paltry economy, and we think a person would
+be much more excusable for being victimized by a man with a good velvet
+collar to his coat, than by one exhibiting that spurious sign of
+gentility--a horse and gig.
+
+The reader will now have the kindness to consider Mr. Sponge arriving at
+Scampley.
+
+'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mr. Buckram, who, having seen our friend
+advancing up the little twisting approach from the road to his house
+through a little square window almost blinded with Irish ivy, out of which
+he was in the habit of contemplating the arrival of his occasional lodgers,
+Doe and Roe. 'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed he, with well-assumed gaiety; 'you
+should have been here yesterday; sent away two sich osses--perfect
+'unters--the werry best I do think I ever saw in my life; either would have
+bin the werry oss for your money. But come in, Mr. Sponge, sir, come in,'
+continued he, backing himself through a little sentry-box of a green
+portico, to a narrow passage which branched off into little rooms on either
+side.
+
+As Buckram made this retrograde movement, he gave a gentle pull to the
+wooden handle of an old-fashioned wire bell-pull in the midst of buggy,
+four-in-hand, and other whips, hanging in the entrance, a touch that was
+acknowledged by a single tinkle of the bell in the stable-yard.
+
+They then entered the little room on the right, whose walls were decorated
+with various sporting prints chiefly illustrative of steeple-chases, with
+here and there a stunted fox-brush, tossing about as a duster. The
+ill-ventilated room reeked with the effluvia of stale smoke, and the faded
+green baize of a little round table in the centre was covered with
+filbert-shells and empty ale-glasses. The whole furniture of the room
+wasn't worth five pounds.
+
+Mr. Sponge, being now on the dealing tack, commenced in the
+poverty-stricken strain adapted to the occasion. Having deposited his hat
+on the floor, taken his left leg up to nurse, and given his hair a backward
+rub with his right hand, he thus commenced:
+
+'Now, Buckram,' said he, 'I'll tell you how it is. I'm deuced
+hard-up--regularly in Short's Gardens. I lost eighteen 'undred on the
+Derby, and seven on the Leger, the best part of my year's income, indeed;
+and I just want to hire two or three horses for the season, with the option
+of buying, if I like; and if you supply me well, I may be the means of
+bringing grist to your mill; you twig, eh?'
+
+'Well, Mr. Sponge,' replied Buckram, sliding several consecutive
+half-crowns down the incline plane of his pocket. 'Well, Mr. Sponge, I
+shall be happy to do my best for you. I wish you'd come yesterday, though,
+as I said before, I jest had two of the neatest nags--a bay and a grey--not
+that colour makes any matter to a judge like you; there's no sounder sayin'
+than that a good oss is not never of a bad colour; only to a young gemman,
+you know, it's well to have 'em smart, and the ticket, in short;
+howsomever, I must do the best I can for you, and if there's nothin' in
+that tickles your fancy, why, you must give me a few days to see if I can
+arrange an exchange with some other gent; but the present is like to be a
+werry haggiwatin' season; had more happlications for osses nor ever I
+remembers, and I've been a dealer now, man and boy, turned of
+eight-and-thirty years; but young gents is whimsical, and it was a young
+'un wot got these, and there's no sayin' but he mayn't like them--indeed,
+one's rayther difficult to ride--that's to say, the grey, the neatest of
+the two, and he _may_ come back, and if so, you shall have him; and a
+safer, sweeter oss was never seen, or one more like to do credit to a gent:
+but you knows what an oss is, Mr. Sponge, and can do justice to me, and I
+should like to put summut good into your hands--_that_ I should.'
+
+With conversation, or rather with balderdash, such as this, Mr. Buckram
+beguiled the few minutes necessary for removing the bandages, hiding the
+bottles, and stirring up the cripples about to be examined, and the heavy
+flap of the coach-house door announcing that all was ready, he forthwith
+led the way through a door in a brick wall into a little three-sides of a
+square yard, formed of stables and loose boxes, with a dilapidated
+dove-cote above a pump in the centre; Mr. Buckram, not growing corn, could
+afford to keep pigeons.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+PETER LEATHER
+
+
+Nothing bespeaks the character of a dealer's trade more than the servants
+and hangers-on of the establishment. The civiler in manner, and the better
+they are 'put on,' the higher the standing of the master, and the better
+the stamp of the horses.
+
+Those about Mr. Buckram's were of a very shady order. Dirty-shirted,
+sloggering, baggy-breeched, slangey-gaitered fellows, with the word 'gin'
+indelibly imprinted on their faces. Peter Leather, the head man, was one of
+the fallen angels of servitude. He had once driven a duke--the Duke of
+Dazzleton--having nothing whatever to do but dress himself and climb into
+his well-indented richly fringed throne, with a helper at each horse's head
+to 'let go' at a nod from his broad laced three-cornered hat. Then having
+got in his cargo (or rubbish, as he used to call them), he would start off
+at a pace that was truly terrific, cutting out this vehicle, shooting past
+that, all but grazing a third, anathematizing the 'buses, and abusing the
+draymen. We don't know how he might be with the queen, but he certainly
+drove as though he thought nobody had any business in the street while the
+Duchess of Dazzleton wanted it. The duchess liked going fast, and Peter
+accommodated her. The duke jobbed his horses and didn't care about pace,
+and so things might have gone on very comfortably, if Peter one afternoon
+hadn't run his pole into the panel of a very plain but very neat yellow
+barouche, passing the end of New Bond Street, which having nothing but a
+simple crest--a stag's head on the panel--made him think it belonged to
+some bulky cit, taking the air with his rib, but who, unfortunately, turned
+out to be no less a person than Sir Giles Nabem, Knight, the great police
+magistrate, upon one of whose myrmidons in plain clothes, who came to the
+rescue, Peter committed a most violent assault, for which unlucky casualty
+his worship furnished him with rotatory occupation for his fat calves in
+the 'H. of C.,' as the clerk shortly designated the House of Correction.
+Thither Peter went, and in lieu of his lace-bedaubed coat, gold-gartered
+plushes, stockings, and buckled shoes, he was dressed up in a suit of
+tight-fitting yellow and black-striped worsteds, that gave him the
+appearance of a wasp without wings. Peter Leather then tumbled regularly
+down the staircase of servitude, the greatness of his fall being
+occasionally broken by landing in some inferior place. From the Duke of
+Dazzleton's, or rather from the tread-mill, he went to the Marquis of
+Mammon, whom he very soon left because he wouldn't wear a second-hand wig.
+From the marquis he got hired to the great Irish Earl of Coarsegab, who
+expected him to wash the carriage, wait at table, and do other incidentals
+never contemplated by a London coachman. Peter threw this place up with
+indignation on being told to take the letters to the post. He then lived on
+his 'means' for a while, a thing that is much finer in theory than in
+practice, and having about exhausted his substance and placed the bulk of
+his apparel in safe keeping, he condescended to take a place as job
+coachman in a livery-stable--a 'horses let by the hour, day, or month'
+one, in which he enacted as many characters, at least made as many
+different appearances, as the late Mr. Mathews used to do in his celebrated
+'At Homes.' One day Peter would be seen ducking under the mews' entrance in
+one of those greasy, painfully well-brushed hats, the certain precursors of
+soiled linen and seedy, most seedy-covered buttoned coats, that would
+puzzle a conjuror to say whether they were black, or grey, or olive, or
+invisible green turned visible brown. Then another day he might be seen in
+old Mrs. Gadabout's sky-blue livery, with a tarnished, gold-laced hat,
+nodding over his nose; and on a third he would shine forth in Mrs.
+Major-General Flareup's cockaded one, with a worsted shoulder-knot, and a
+much over-daubed light drab livery coat, with crimson inexpressibles, so
+tight as to astonish a beholder how he ever got into them. Humiliation,
+however, has its limits as well as other things; and Peter having been
+invited to descend from his box--alas! a regular country patent leather
+one, and invest himself in a Quaker-collared blue coat, with a red vest,
+and a pair of blue trousers with a broad red stripe down the sides, to
+drive the Honourable old Miss Wrinkleton, of Harley Street, to Court in a
+'one oss pianoforte-case,' as he called a Clarence, he could stand it no
+longer, and, chucking the nether garments into the fire, he rushed
+frantically up the area-steps, mounted his box, and quilted the old
+crocodile of a horse all the way home, accompanying each cut with an
+imprecation such as '_me_ make a guy of myself!' (whip) '_me_ put on sich
+things!' (whip, whip) '_me_ drive down Sin Jimses-street!' (whip, whip,
+whip), '_I'd_ see her ---- fust!' (whip, whip, whip), cutting at the old
+horse just as if he was laying it into Miss Wrinkleton, so that by the time
+he got home he had established a considerable lather on the old nag, which
+his master resenting a row ensued, the sequel of which may readily be
+imagined. After assisting Mrs. Clearstarch, the Kilburn laundress, in
+getting in and taking out her washing, for a few weeks, chance at last
+landed him at Mr. Benjamin Buckram's, from whence he is now about to be
+removed to become our hero Mr. Sponge's Sancho Panza, in his fox-hunting,
+fortune-hunting career, and disseminate in remote parts his doctrines of
+the real honour and dignity of servitude. Now to the inspection.
+
+Peter Leather, having a peep-hole as well as his master, on seeing Mr.
+Sponge arrive, had given himself an extra rub over, and covered his dirty
+shirt with a clean, well-tied, white kerchief, and a whole coloured scarlet
+waistcoat, late the property of one of his noble employers, in hopes that
+Sponge's visit might lead to something. Peter was about sick of the
+suburbs, and thought, of course, that he couldn't be worse off than where
+he was.
+
+'Here's Mr. Sponge wants some osses,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Leather met
+them in the middle of the little yard, and brought his right arm round with
+a sort of military swing to his forehead; 'what 'ave we in?' continued
+Buckram, with the air of a man with so many horses that he didn't know what
+were in and what were out.
+
+'Vy we 'ave Rumbleton in,' replied Leather, thoughtfully, stroking down his
+hair as he spoke, 'and we 'ave Jack o'Lanthorn in, and we 'ave the Camel
+in, and there's the little Hirish oss with the sprig tail--Jack-a-Dandy, as
+I calls him, and the Flyer will be in to-night, he's just out a hairing, as
+it were, with old Mr. Callipash.'
+
+'Ah, Rumbleton won't do for Mr. Sponge,' observed Buckram, thoughtfully, at
+the same time letting go a tremendous avalanche of silver down his trouser
+pocket, 'Rumbleton won't do,' repeated he, 'nor Jack-a-Dandy nouther.'
+
+'Why, I wouldn't commend neither on 'em,' replied Peter, taking his cue
+from his master, 'only ven you axes me vot there's in, you knows vy I must
+give you a _cor_-rect answer, in course.'
+
+'In course,' nodded Buckram.
+
+Leather and Buckram had a good understanding in the lying line, and had
+fallen into a sort of tacit arrangement that if the former was staunch
+about the horses he was at liberty to make the best terms he could for
+himself. Whatever Buckram said, Leather swore to, and they had established
+certain signals and expressions that each understood.
+
+'I've an unkimmon nice oss,' at length observed Mr. Buckram, with a
+scrutinizing glance at Sponge, 'and an oss in hevery respect werry like
+your work, but he's an oss I'll candidly state, I wouldn't put in every
+one's 'ands, for, in the fust place, he's wery walueous, and in the second,
+he requires an ossman to ride; howsomever, as I knows that you _can_ ride,
+and if you doesn't mind taking my 'ead man,' jerking his elbow at Leather,
+'to look arter him, I wouldn't mind 'commodatin' on you, prowided we can
+'gree upon terms.'
+
+'Well, let's see him,' interrupted Sponge, 'and we can talk about terms
+after.'
+
+'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Buckram, again letting loose a
+reaccumulated rush of silver down his pocket. 'Here, Tom! Joe! Harry!
+where's Sam?' giving the little tinkler of a bell a pull as he spoke.
+
+'Sam be in the straw 'ouse,' replied Leather, passing through a stable into
+a wooden projection beyond, where the gentleman in question was enjoying a
+nap.
+
+'Sam!' said he, 'Sam!' repeated he, in a louder tone, as he saw the object
+of his search's nose popping through the midst of the straw.
+
+'What now?' exclaimed Sam, starting up, and looking wildly around; 'what
+now?' repeated he, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.
+
+'Get out Ercles,' said Leather, _sotto voce_.
+
+The lad was a mere stripling--some fifteen or sixteen, years,
+perhaps--tall, slight, and neat, with dark hair and eyes, and was dressed
+in a brown jacket--a real boy's jacket, without laps, white cords, and
+top-boots. It was his business to risk his neck and limbs at all hours of
+the day, on all sorts of horses, over any sort of place that any person
+chose to require him to put a horse at, and this he did with the daring
+pleasure of youth as yet undaunted by any serious fall. Sam now bestirred
+himself to get out the horse. The clambering of hoofs presently announced
+his approach.
+
+Whether Hercules was called Hercules on account of his amazing strength, or
+from a fanciful relationship to the famous horse of that name, we know
+not; but his strength and his colour would favour either supposition. He
+was an immense, tall, powerful, dark brown, sixteen hands horse, with an
+arched neck and crest, well set on, clean, lean head, and loins that looked
+as if they could shoot a man into the next county. His condition was
+perfect. His coat lay as close and even as satin, with cleanly developed
+muscle, and altogether he looked as hard as a cricket-ball. He had a famous
+switch tail, reaching nearly to his hocks, and making him look less than he
+would otherwise have done.
+
+Mr. Sponge was too well versed in horse-flesh to imagine that such an
+animal would be in the possession of such a third-rate dealer as Buckram,
+unless there was something radically wrong about him, and as Sam and
+Leather were paying the horse those stable attentions that always precede a
+show out, Mr. Sponge settled in his own mind that the observation about his
+requiring a horseman to ride him, meant that he was vicious. Nor was he
+wrong in his anticipations, for not all Leather's whistlings, or Sam's
+endearings and watchings, could conceal the sunken, scowling eye, that as
+good as said, 'you'd better keep clear of me.'
+
+Mr. Sponge, however, was a dauntless horseman. What man dared he dared, and
+as the horse stepped proudly and freely out of the stable, Mr. Sponge
+thought he looked very like a hunter. Nor were Mr. Buckram's laudations
+wanting in the animal's behalf.
+
+'There's an 'orse!' exclaimed he, drawing his right hand out of his trouser
+pocket, and flourishing it towards him. 'If that 'orse were down in
+Leicestersheer,' added he, 'he'd fetch three 'under'd guineas. Sir Richard
+would 'ave him in a minnit--_that he would!_' added he, with a stamp of his
+foot as he saw the animal beginning to set up his back and wince at the
+approach of the lad. (We may here mention by way of parenthesis, that Mr.
+Buckram had brought him out of Warwicksheer for thirty pounds, where the
+horse had greatly distinguished himself, as well by kicking off sundry
+scarlet swells in the gaily thronged streets of Leamington, as by running
+away with divers others over the wide-stretching grazing grounds of
+Southam and Dunchurch.)
+
+But to our story. The horse now stood staring on view: fire in his eye, and
+vigour in his every limb. Leather at his head, the lad at his side. Sponge
+and Buckram a little on the left.
+
+'W--h--o--a--a--y, my man, w--h--o--a--a--y,' continued Mr. Buckram, as a
+liberal show of the white of the eye was followed by a little wince and
+hoist of the hind quarters on the nearer approach of the lad.
+
+'Look sharp, boy,' said he, in a very different tone to the soothing one in
+which he had just been addressing the horse. The lad lifted up his leg for
+a hoist. Leather gave him one as quick as thought, and led on the horse as
+the lad gathered up his reins. They then made for a large field at the back
+of the house, with leaping-bars, hurdles, 'on and offs,' 'ins and outs,'
+all sorts of fancy leaps scattered about. Having got him fairly in, and the
+lad having got himself fairly settled in the saddle he gave the horse a
+touch with the spur as Leather let go his head, and after a desperate
+plunge or two started off at a gallop.
+
+'He's fresh,' observed Mr. Buckram confidentially to Mr. Sponge, 'he's
+fresh--wants work, in short--short of work--wouldn't put every one on
+him--wouldn't put one o' your timid cocknified chaps on him, for if ever he
+were to get the hupper 'and, vy I doesn't know as 'ow that we might get the
+hupper 'and o' him, agen, but the playful rogue knows ven he's got a
+workman on his back--see how he gives to the lad though he's only fifteen,
+and not strong of his hage nouther,' continued Mr. Buckram, 'and I guess if
+he had sich a consternation of talent as you on his back, he'd wery soon be
+as quiet as a lamb--not that he's wicious--far from it, only play--full of
+play, I may say, though to be sure, if a man gets spilt it don't argufy
+much whether it's done from play or from wice.'
+
+During this time the horse was going through his evolutions, hopping over
+this thing, popping over that, making as little of everything as practice
+makes them do.
+
+Having gone through the usual routine, the lad now walked the glowing
+coated snorting horse back to where the trio stood. Mr. Sponge again looked
+him over, and still seeing no exception to take to him, bid the lad get off
+and lengthen the stirrups for him to take a ride. That was the difficulty.
+The first two minutes always did it. Mr. Sponge, however, nothing daunted,
+borrowed Sam's spurs, and making Leather hold the horse by the head till he
+got well into the saddle, and then lead him on a bit; he gave the animal
+such a dig in both sides as fairly threw him off his guard, and made him
+start away at a gallop, instead of standing and delivering, as was his
+wont.
+
+Away Mr. Sponge shot, pulling him about, trying all his paces, and putting
+him at all sorts of leaps.
+
+Emboldened by the nerve and dexterity displayed by Mr. Sponge, Mr. Buckram
+stood meditating a further trial of his equestrian ability, as he watched
+him bucketing 'Ercles' about. Hercules had 'spang-hewed' so many triers,
+and the hideous contraction of his resolute back had deterred so many from
+mounting, that Buckram had begun to fear he would have to place him in the
+only remaining school for incurables, the 'bus. Hack-horse riders are
+seldom great horsemen. The very fact of their being hack-horse riders shows
+they are little accustomed to horses, or they would not give the fee-simple
+of an animal for a few weeks' work.
+
+'I've a wonderful clever little oss,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Sponge
+returned with a slack-rein and a satisfied air on the late resolute
+animal's back. '_Little_ I can 'ardly call 'im,' continued Mr. Buckram,
+'only he's low; but you knows that the 'eight of an oss has nothin' to do
+with his size. Now this is a perfect dray-oss in miniature. An 'Arrow gent,
+lookin' at him t'other day christen'd him "Multum in Parvo." But though
+he's so _ter-men_-dous strong, he has the knack o' goin', specially in
+deep; and if you're not a-goin' to Sir Richard, but into some o' them
+plough sheers (shires), I'd 'commend him to you.'
+
+'Let's have a look at him,' replied Mr. Sponge, throwing his right leg over
+Hercules' head and sliding from the saddle on to the ground, as if he were
+alighting from the quietest shooting pony in the world.
+
+All then was hurry, scurry, and scamper to get this second prodigy out.
+Presently he appeared. Multum in Parvo certainly was all that Buckram
+described him. A long, low, clean-headed, clean-necked, big-hocked,
+chestnut, with a long tail, and great, large, flat white legs, without mark
+or blemish upon them. Unlike Hercules, there was nothing indicative of vice
+or mischief about him. Indeed, he was rather a sedate, meditative-looking
+animal; and, instead of the watchful, arms'-length sort of way Leather and
+Co. treated Hercules, they jerked and punched Parvo about as if he were a
+cow.
+
+Still Parvo had his foibles. He was a resolute, head-strong animal, that
+would go his own way in spite of all the pulling and hauling in the world.
+If he took it into his obstinate head to turn into a particular field, into
+it he would be; or against the gate-post he would bump the rider's leg in a
+way that would make him remember the difference of opinion between them.
+His was not a fiery, hot-headed spirit, with object or reason for its
+guide, but just a regular downright pig-headed sort of stupidity, that
+nobody could account for. He had a mouth like a bull, and would walk clean
+through a gate sometimes rather than be at the trouble of rising to leap
+it; at other times he would hop over it like a bird. He could not beat Mr.
+Buckram's men, because they were always on the look-out for objects of
+contention with sharp spur rowels, ready to let into his sides the moment
+he began to stop; but a weak or a timid man on his back had no more chance
+than he would on an elephant. If the horse chose to carry him into the
+midst of the hounds at the meet, he would have him in--nay, he would think
+nothing of upsetting the master himself in the middle of the pack. Then the
+provoking part was, that the obstinate animal, after having done all the
+mischief, would just set to to eat as if nothing had happened. After
+rolling a sportsman in the mud, he would repair to the nearest hay-stack or
+grassy bank, and be caught. He was now ten years old, or a _leetle_ more
+perhaps, and very wicked years some of them had been. His adventures, his
+sellings and his returning, his lettings and his unlettings, his bumpings
+and spillings, his smashings and crashings, on the road, in the field, in
+single and in double harness, would furnish a volume of themselves; and in
+default of a more able historian, we purpose blending his future fortune
+with that of 'Ercles,' in the service of our hero Mr. Sponge, and his
+accomplished groom, and undertaking the important narration of them
+ourselves.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+We trust our opening chapters, aided by our friend Leech's pencil, will
+have enabled our readers to embody such a Sponge in their mind's eye as
+will assist them in following us through the course of his peregrinations.
+We do not profess to have drawn such a portrait as will raise the same sort
+of Sponge in the minds of all, but we trust we have given such a general
+outline of style, and indication of character, as an ordinary knowledge of
+the world will enable them to imagine a good, pushing, free-and-easy sort
+of man, wishing to be a gentleman without knowing how.
+
+Far more difficult is the task of conveying to our readers such information
+as will enable them to form an idea of our hero's ways and means. An
+accommodating world--especially the female portion of it--generally
+attribute ruin to the racer, and fortune to the fox-hunter; but though Mr.
+Sponge's large losses on the turf, as detailed by him to Mr. Buckram on the
+occasion of their deal or 'job,' would bring him in the category of the
+unfortunates; still that representation was nearly, if not altogether,
+fabulous. That Mr. Sponge might have lost a trifle on the great races of
+the year, we don't mean to deny, but that he lost such a sum as eighteen
+hundred on the Derby, and seven on the Leger, we are in a condition to
+contradict, for the best of all possible reasons, that he hadn't it to
+lose. At the same time we do not mean to attribute falsehood to Mr.
+Sponge--quite the contrary--it is no uncommon thing for merchants and
+traders--men who 'talk in thousands,' to declare that they lost twenty
+thousand by this, or forty thousand by that, simply meaning that they
+didn't make it, and if Mr. Sponge, by taking the longest of the long odds
+against the most wretched of the outsiders, might have won the sums he
+named, he surely had a right to say he lost them when he didn't get them.
+
+It never does to be indigenously poor, if we may use such a term, and when
+a man gets to the end of his tether, he must have something or somebody to
+blame rather than his own extravagance or imprudence, and if there is no
+'rascally lawyer' who has bolted with his title-deeds, or fraudulent agent
+who has misappropriated his funds, why then, railroads, or losses on the
+turf, or joint-stock banks that have shut up at short notice, come in as
+the scapegoats. Very willing hacks they are, too, railways especially, and
+so frequently ridden, that it is no easy matter to discriminate between the
+real and the fictitious loser.
+
+But though we are able to contradict Mr. Sponge's losses on the turf, we
+are sorry we are not able to elevate him to the riches the character of a
+fox-hunter generally inspires. Still, like many men of whom the common
+observation is, 'nobody knows how he lives,' Mr. Sponge always seemed well
+to do in the world. There was no appearance of want about him. He always
+hunted: sometimes with five horses, sometimes with four, seldom with less
+than three, though at the period of our introduction he had come down to
+two. Nevertheless, those two, provided he could but make them 'go,' were
+well calculated to do the work of four. And hack horses, of all sorts, it
+may be observed, generally do double the work of private ones; and if there
+is one man in the world better calculated to get the work out of them than
+another, that man most assuredly is Mr. Sponge. And this reminds us, that
+we may as well state that his bargain with Buckram was a sort of jobbing
+deal. He had to pay ten guineas a month for each horse, with a sort of
+sliding scale of prices if he chose to buy--the price of 'Ercles' (the big
+brown) being fixed at fifty, inclusive of hire at the end of the first
+month, and gradually rising according to the length of time he kept him
+beyond that; while, 'Multum in Parvo,' the resolute chestnut, was booked at
+thirty, with the right of buying at five more, a contingency that Buckram
+little expected. He, we may add, had got him for ten, and dear he thought
+him when he got him home.
+
+The world was now all before Mr. Sponge where to choose; and not being the
+man to keep hack horses to look at, we must be setting him a-going.
+
+'Leicesterscheer swells,' as Mr. Buckram would call them, with their
+fourteen hunters and four hacks, will smile at the idea of a man going from
+home to hunt with only a couple of 'screws,' but Mr. Sponge knew what he
+was about, and didn't want any one to counsel him. He knew there were
+places where a man can follow up the effect produced by a red coat in the
+morning to great advantage in the evening; and if he couldn't hunt every
+day in the week, as he could have wished, he felt he might fill up his time
+perhaps quite as profitably in other ways. The ladies, to do them justice,
+are never at all suspicious about men--on the 'nibble'--always taking it
+for granted, they are 'all they could wish,' and they know each other so
+well, that any cautionary hint acts rather in a man's favour than
+otherwise. Moreover, hunting men, as we said before, are all supposed to be
+rich, and as very few ladies are aware that a horse can't hunt every day in
+the week, they just class the whole 'genus' fourteen-horse power men,
+ten-horse power men, five-horse power men, two-horse power men, together,
+and tying them in a bunch, label it '_very rich_,' and proceed to take
+measures accordingly.
+
+Let us now visit one of the 'strongholds' of fox and fortune-hunting.
+
+A sudden turn of a long, gently rising, but hitherto uninteresting road,
+brings the posting traveller suddenly upon the rich, well-wooded,
+beautifully undulating vale of Fordingford, whose fine green pastures are
+brightened with occasional gleams of a meandering river, flowing through
+the centre of the vale. In the far distance, looking as though close upon
+the blue hills, though in reality several miles apart, sundry spires and
+taller buildings are seen rising above the grey mists towards which a
+straight, undeviating, matter-of-fact line of railway passing up the right
+of the vale, directs the eye. This is the famed Laverick Wells, the
+resort, as indeed all watering-places are, according to newspaper accounts,
+of
+
+                           'Knights and dames,
+    And all that wealth and lofty lineage claim.'
+
+At the period of which we write, however, 'Laverick Wells' was in great
+feather--it had never known such times. Every house, every lodging, every
+hole and corner was full, and the great hotels, which more resemble
+Lancashire cotton-mills than English hostelries, were sending away
+applicants in the most offhand, indifferent way.
+
+The Laverick Wells hounds had formerly been under the management of the
+well-known Mr. Thomas Slocdolager, a hard-riding, hard-bitten, hold-harding
+sort of sportsman, whose whole soul was in the thing, and who would have
+ridden over his best friend in the ardour of the chase.
+
+[Illustration: MR. THOMAS SLOCDOLAGER, LATE MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS]
+
+In some countries such a creature may be considered an acquisition, and so
+long as he reigned at the Wells, people made the best they could of him,
+though it was painfully apparent to the livery-stable keepers, and others,
+who had the best interest of the place at heart, that such a red-faced,
+gloveless, drab-breeched, mahogany-booted buffer, who would throw off at
+the right time, and who resolutely set his great stubbly-cheeked face
+against all show meets and social intercourse in the field, was not exactly
+the man for a civilized place. Whether time might have enlightened Mr.
+Slocdolager as to the fact, that continuous killing of foxes, after
+fatiguingly long runs, was not the way to the hearts of the Laverick Wells
+sportsmen, is unknown, for on attempting to realize as fine a subscription
+as ever appeared upon paper, it melted so in the process of collection,
+that what was realized was hardly worth his acceptance; saying so, in his
+usual blunt way, that if he hunted a country at his own expense he would
+hunt one that wasn't encumbered with fools, he just stamped his little
+wardrobe into a pair of old black saddle-bags, and rode out of town without
+saying 'tar, tar,' good-bye, carding, or P.P.C.-ing anybody.
+
+This was at the end of a season, a circumstance that considerably mitigated
+the inconvenience so abrupt a departure might have occasioned, and as one
+of the great beauties of Laverick Wells is, that it is just as much in
+vogue in summer as in winter, the inhabitants consoled themselves with the
+old aphorism, that there is as 'good fish in the sea as ever came out of
+it,' and cast about in search of some one to supply his place at as small
+cost to themselves as possible. In a place so replete with money and the
+enterprise of youth, little difficulty was anticipated, especially when the
+old bait of 'a name' being all that was wanted, 'an ample subscription,' to
+defray all expenses figuring in the background, was held out.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+MR. WAFFLES
+
+
+Among a host of most meritorious young men--(any of whom would get up
+behind a bill for five hundred pounds without looking to see that it wasn't
+a thousand)--among a host of most meritorious young men who made their
+appearance at Laverick Wells towards the close of Mr. Slocdolager's reign,
+was Mr. Waffles; a most enterprising youth, just on the verge of arriving
+of age, and into the possession of a very considerable amount of charming
+ready money.
+
+Were it not that a 'proud aristocracy,' as Sir Robert Peel called them,
+have shown that they can get over any little deficiency of birth if there
+is sufficiency of cash, we should have thought it necessary to make the
+best of Mr. Waffles' pedigree, but the tide of opinion evidently setting
+the other way, we shall just give it as we had it, and let the proud
+aristocracy reject him if they like. Mr. Waffles' father, then, was either
+a great grazier or a great brazier--which, we are unable to say, 'for a
+small drop of ink having fallen,' not 'like dew,' but like a black beetle,
+on the first letter of the word in our correspondent's communication, it
+may do for either--but in one of which trades he made a 'mint of money,'
+and latish on in life married a lady who hitherto had filled the honourable
+office of dairy-maid in his house; she was a fine handsome woman and a year
+or two after the birth of this their only child, he departed this life,
+nearer eighty than seventy, leaving an 'inconsolable,' &c., who
+unfortunately contracted matrimony with a master pork-butcher, before she
+got the fine flattering white monument up, causing young Waffles to be
+claimed for dry-nursing by that expert matron the High Court of Chancery;
+who, of course, had him properly educated--where, it is immaterial to
+relate, as we shall step on till we find him at college.
+
+Our friend, having proved rather too vivacious for the Oxford Dons, had
+been recommended to try the effects of the Laverick Wells, or any other
+waters he liked, and had arrived with a couple of hunters and a hack, much
+to the satisfaction of the neighbouring master of hounds and his huntsman;
+for Waffles had ridden over and maimed more hounds to his own share, during
+the two seasons he had been at Oxford, than that gentleman had been in the
+habit of appropriating to the use of the whole university. Corresponding
+with that gentleman's delight at getting rid of him was Mr. Slocdolager's
+dismay at his appearance, for fully satisfied that Oxford was the seat of
+fox-hunting as well as of all the other arts and sciences, Mr. Waffles
+undertook to enlighten him and his huntsman on the mysteries of their
+calling, and 'Old Sloc,' as he was called, being a very silent man, while
+Mr. Waffles was a very noisy one, Sloc was nearly talked deaf by him.
+
+Mr. Waffles was just in the hey-day of hot, rash, youthful indiscretion and
+extravagance. He had not the slightest idea of the value of money, and
+looked at the fortune he was so closely approaching as perfectly
+inexhaustible. His rooms, the most spacious and splendid at that most
+spacious and splendid hotel, the 'Imperial,' were filled with a profusion
+of the most useless but costly articles. Jewellery without end, pictures
+innumerable, pictures that represented all sorts of imaginary sums of
+money, just as they represented all sorts of imaginary scenes, but whose
+real worth or genuineness would never be tested till the owner wanted to
+'convert them.'
+
+Mr. Waffles was a 'pretty man.' Tall, slim, and slight, with long curly
+light hair, pink and white complexion, visionary whiskers, and a tendency
+to moustache that could best be seen sideways. He had light blue eyes;
+while his features generally were good, but expressive of little beyond
+great good-humour. In dress, he was both smart and various; indeed, we feel
+a difficulty in fixing him in any particular costume, so frequent and
+opposite were his changes. He had coats of every cut and colour. Sometimes
+he was the racing man with a bright-button'd Newmarket brown cut-away, and
+white-cord trousers, with drab cloth-boots; anon, he would be the officer,
+and shine forth in a fancy forage cap, cocked jauntily over a profusion of
+well-waxed curls, a richly braided surtout, with military overalls strapped
+down over highly varnished boots, whose hypocritical heels would sport a
+pair of large rowelled long-necked, ringing, brass spurs. Sometimes he was
+a Jack tar, with a little glazed hat, a once-round tie, a checked shirt, a
+blue jacket, roomy trousers, and broad-stringed pumps; and, before the
+admiring ladies had well digested him in that dress, he would be seen
+cantering away on a long-tailed white barb, in a pea-green duck-hunter,
+with cream-coloured leather and rose-tinted tops. He was
+
+    'All things by turns, and nothing long.'
+
+Such was the gentleman elected to succeed the silent, matter-of-fact Mr.
+Slocdolager in the important office of Master of the Laverick Wells Hunt;
+and whatever may be the merits of either--upon which we pass no opinion--it
+cannot be denied that they were essentially different. Mr. Slocdolager was
+a man of few words, and not at all a ladies' man. He could not even talk
+when he was crammed with wine, and though he could hold a good quantity,
+people soon found out they might just as well pour it into a jug as down
+his throat, so they gave up asking him out. He was a man of few coats, as
+well as of few words; one on, and one off, being the extent of his
+wardrobe. His scarlet was growing plum-colour, and the rest of his hunting
+costume has been already glanced at. He lodged above Smallbones, the
+veterinary surgeon, in a little back street, where he lived in the quietest
+way, dining when he came in from hunting,--dressing, or rather changing,
+only when he was wet, hunting each fox again over his brandy-and-water, and
+bundling off to bed long before many of his 'field' had left the
+dining-room. He was little better than a better sort of huntsman.
+
+Waffles, as we said before, had made himself conspicuous towards the close
+of Mr. Slocdolager's reign, chiefly by his dashing costume, his reckless
+riding, and his off-hand way of blowing up and slanging people.
+
+Indeed, a stranger would have taken him for the master, a delusion that was
+heightened by his riding with a formidable-looking sherry-case, in the
+shape of a horn, at his saddle. Save when engaged in sucking this, his
+tongue was never at fault. It was jabber, jabber, jabber; chatter, chatter,
+chatter; prattle, prattle, prattle; occasionally about something, oftener
+about nothing, but in cover or out, stiff country or open, trotting or
+galloping, wet day or dry, good scenting day or bad, Waffles' clapper never
+was at rest. Like all noisy chaps, too, he could not bear any one to make a
+noise but himself. In furtherance of this, he called in the aid of his
+Oxfordshire rhetoric. He would halloo _at_ people, designating them by some
+peculiarity that he thought he could wriggle out of, if necessary, instead
+of attacking them by name. Thus, if a man spoke, or placed himself where
+Waffles thought he ought not to be (that is to say, anywhere but where
+Waffles was himself), he would exclaim, 'Pray, sir, hold your tongue!--you,
+sir!--no, sir, not you--the man that speaks as if he had a brush in his
+throat!'--or, '_Do_ come away, sir!--you, sir!--the man in the
+mushroom-looking hat!'--or, 'that gentleman in the parsimonious boots!'
+looking at some one with very narrow tops.
+
+[Illustration: MR. WAFFLES, THE PRESENT MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS]
+
+Still, he was a rattling, good-natured, harum-scarum fellow; and
+masterships of hounds, memberships of Parliament--all expensive
+unmoney-making offices,--being things that most men are anxious to foist
+upon their friends, Mr. Waffles' big talk and interference in the field
+procured him the honour of the first refusal. Not that he was the man to
+refuse, for he jumped at the offer, and, as he would be of age before the
+season came round, and would have got all his money out of Chancery, he
+disdained to talk about a subscription, and boldly took the hounds as his
+own. He then became a very important personage at Laverick Wells.
+
+He had always been a most important personage among the ladies, but as the
+men couldn't marry him, those who didn't want to borrow money of him, of
+course, ran him down. It used to be, 'Look at that dandified ass, Waffles,
+I declare the sight of him makes me sick'; or, 'What a barber's apprentice
+that fellow is, with his ringlets all smeared with Macassar.'
+
+Now it was Waffles this, Waffles that, 'Who dines with Waffles?' 'Waffles
+is the best fellow under the sun! By Jingo, I know no such man as Waffles!'
+'_Most deserving_ young man!'
+
+In arriving at this conclusion, their judgement was greatly assisted by the
+magnificent way he went to work. Old Tom Towler, the whip, who had toiled
+at his calling for twenty long years on fifty pounds and what he could
+'pick up,' was advanced to a hundred and fifty, with a couple of men under
+him. Instead of riding worn-out, tumble-down, twenty-pound screws, he was
+mounted on hundred-guinea horses, for which the dealers were to have a
+couple of hundred, _when they were paid_. Everything was in the same
+proportion.
+
+Mr. Waffles' succession to the hunt made a great commotion among the
+fair--many elegant and interesting young ladies, who had been going on the
+pious tack against the Reverend Solomon Winkeyes, the popular bachelor
+preacher of St. Margaret's, teaching in his schools, distributing his
+tracts, and collecting the penny subscriptions for his clothing club, now
+took to riding in fan-tailed habits and feathered hats, and talking about
+leaping and hunting, and riding over rails. Mr. Waffles had a pound of
+hat-strings sent him in a week, and muffatees innumerable. Some, we are
+sorry to say, worked him cigar-cases. He, in return, having expended a vast
+of toil and ingenuity in inventing a 'button,' now had several dozen of
+them worked up into brooches, which he scattered about with a liberal hand.
+It was not one of your matter-of-fact story-telling buttons--a fox with
+'TALLY-HO,' or a fox's head grinning in grim death--making a red
+coat look like a miniature butcher's shamble, but it was one of your
+queer-twisting lettered concerns, that may pass either for a military
+button or a naval button, or a club button, or even for a livery button.
+The letters, two W's, were so skilfully entwined, that even a
+compositor--and compositors are people who can read almost anything--would
+have been puzzled to decipher it. The letters were gilt, riveted on steel,
+and the wearers of the button-brooches were very soon dubbed by the
+non-recipients, 'Mr. Waffles' sheep.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A fine button naturally requires a fine coat to put it on, and many were
+the consultations and propositions as to what it should be. Mr. Slocdolager
+had done nothing in the decorative department, and many thought the failure
+of funds was a good deal attributable to that fact. Mr. Waffles was not the
+man to lose an opportunity of adding another costume to his wardrobe, and
+after an infinity of trouble, and trials of almost all the colours of the
+rainbow, he at length settled the following uniform, which, at least, had
+the charm of novelty to recommend it. The morning, or hunt-coat, was to be
+scarlet, with a cream-coloured collar and cuffs; and the evening, or dress
+coat, was to be cream-colour, with a scarlet collar and cuffs, and scarlet
+silk facings and linings, looking as if the wearer had turned the morning
+one inside out. Waistcoats, and other articles of dress, were left to the
+choice of the wearer, experience having proved that they are articles it is
+impossible to legislate upon with any effect.
+
+The old ladies, bless their disinterested hearts, alone looked on the hound
+freak with other than feelings of approbation.
+
+They thought it a pity he should take them. They wished he mightn't injure
+himself--hounds were expensive things--led to habits of
+irregularity--should be sorry to see such a nice young man as Mr. Waffles
+led astray--not that it would make any difference to them, _but_--(looking
+significantly at their daughters). No fox had been hunted by more hounds
+than Waffles had been by the ladies; but though he had chatted and prattled
+with fifty fair maids--any one of whom he might have found difficult to
+resist, if 'pinned' single-handed by, in a country house, yet the
+multiplicity of assailants completely neutralized each other, and verified
+the truth of the adage that there is 'safety in a crowd.'
+
+If pretty, lisping Miss Wordsworth thought she had shot an arrow home to
+his heart over night, a fresh smile and dart from little Mary Ogleby's dark
+eyes extracted it in the morning, and made him think of her till the
+commanding figure and noble air of the Honourable Miss Letitia Amelia
+Susannah Jemimah de Jenkins, in all the elegance of first-rate millinery
+and dressmakership, drove her completely from his mind, to be in turn
+displaced by some one more bewitching. Mr. Waffles was reputed to be made
+of money, and he went at it as though he thought it utterly impossible to
+get through it. He was greatly aided in his endeavours by the fact of its
+being all in the funds--a great convenience to the spendthrift. It keeps
+him constantly in cash, and enables him to 'cut and come again,' as quick
+as ever he likes. Land is not half so accommodating; neither is money on
+mortgage. What with time spent in investigating a title, or giving notice
+to 'pay in,' an industrious man wants a second loan by the time, or perhaps
+before, he gets the first. Acres are not easy of conversion, and the mere
+fact of wanting to sell implies a deficiency somewhere. With money in the
+funds, a man has nothing to do but lodge a power of attorney with his
+broker, and write up for four or five thousand pounds, just as he would
+write to his bootmaker for four or five pairs of boots, the only difference
+being, that in all probability the money would be down before the boots.
+Then, with money in the funds, a man keeps up his credit to the far
+end--the last thousand telling no more tales than the first, and making
+just as good a show.
+
+We are almost afraid to say what Mr. Waffles' means were, but we really
+believe, at the time he came of age, that he had 100,000_l._ in the funds,
+which were nearly at 'par'--a term expressive of each hundred being worth a
+hundred, and not eighty-nine or ninety pounds as is now the case, which
+makes a considerable difference in the melting. Now a real _bona fide_
+100,000_l._ always counts as three in common parlance, which latter sum
+would yield a larger income than gilds the horizon of the most mercenary
+mother's mind, say ten thousand a-year, which we believe is generally
+allowed to be 'v--a--a--ry handsome.'
+
+No wonder, then, that Mr. Waffles was such a hero. Another great
+recommendation about him was, that he had not had time to be much plucked.
+Many of the young men of fortune that appear upon town have lost half their
+feathers on the race-course or the gaming-table before the ladies get a
+chance at them; but here was a nice, fresh-coloured youth, with all his
+downy verdure full upon him. It takes a vast of clothes, even at Oxford
+prices, to come to a thousand pounds, and if we allow four or five thousand
+for his other extravagances, he could not have done much harm to a hundred
+thousand.
+
+Our friend, soon finding that he was 'cock of the walk,' had no notion of
+exchanging his greatness for the nothingness of London, and, save going up
+occasionally to see about opening the flood-gates of his fortune, he spent
+nearly the whole summer at Laverick Wells. A fine season it was, too--the
+finest season the Wells had ever known. When at length the long London
+season closed, there was a rush of rank and fashion to the English
+watering-places, quite unparalleled in the 'recollection of the oldest
+inhabitants.' There were blooming widows in every stage of grief and woe,
+from the becoming cap to the fashionable corset and ball flounce--widows
+who would never forget the dear deceased, or think of any other
+man--_unless he had at least five thousand a year_. Lovely girls, who
+didn't care a farthing if the man was 'only handsome'; and smiling mammas
+'egging them on,' who would look very different when they came to the
+horrid £ s. d. And this mercantile expression leads us to the observation
+that we know nothing so dissimilar as a trading town and a watering-place.
+In the one, all is bustle, hurry, and activity; in the other, people don't
+seem to know what to do to get through the day. The city and west-end
+present somewhat of the contrast, but not to the extent of manufacturing or
+sea-port towns and watering-places. Bathing-places are a shade better than
+watering-places in the way of occupation, for people can sit staring at the
+sea, counting the ships, or polishing their nails with a shell, whereas at
+watering-places, they have generally little to do but stare at and talk of
+each other, and mark the progress of the day, by alternately drinking at
+the wells, eating at the hotels, and wandering between the library and the
+railway station. The ladies get on better, for where there are ladies there
+are always fine shops, and what between turning over the goods, and
+sweeping the streets with their trains, making calls, and arranging
+partners for balls, they get through their time very pleasantly; but what
+is 'life' to them is often death to the men.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The flattering accounts Mr. Sponge read in the papers of the distinguished
+company assembled at Laverick Wells, together with details of the princely
+magnificence of the wealthy commoner, Mr. Waffles, who appeared to
+entertain all the world at dinner after each day's hunting made Mr. Sponge
+think it would be a very likely place to suit him. Accordingly, thither he
+despatched Mr. Leather with the redoubtable horses by the road, intending
+to follow in as many hours by the rail as it took them days to trudge on
+foot.
+
+Railways have helped hunting as well as other things, and enables a man to
+glide down into the grass 'sheers,' as Mr. Buckram calls them, with as
+little trouble, and in as short a time almost, as it took him to accomplish
+a meet at Croydon, or at the Magpies at Staines. But to our groom and
+horses.
+
+Mr. Sponge was too good a judge to disfigure the horses with the miserable,
+pulpy, weather-bleached job-saddles and bridles of 'livery,' but had them
+properly turned out with well-made, slightly-worn London ones of his own,
+and nice, warm brown woollen rugs, below broadly bound,
+blue-and-white-striped sheeting, with richly braided lettering, and blue
+and white cordings. A good saddle and bridle makes a difference of ten
+pounds in the looks of almost any horse. There is no need because a man
+rides a hack horse to proclaim it to all the world; a fact that few hack
+horse letters seem to be aware of. Perhaps, indeed, they think to advertise
+them by means of their inferior appointments.
+
+Leather, too, did his best to keep up appearances, and turned out in a very
+stud-groomish-looking, basket-button'd, brown cutaway, with a clean striped
+vest, ample white cravat, drab breeches and boots, that looked as though
+they had brushed through a few bullfinches; and so they had, but not with
+Leather's legs in them, for he had bought them second-hand of a pad groom
+in distress. His hands were encased in cat's-skin sable gloves, showing
+that he was a gentleman who liked to be comfortable. Thus accoutred, he
+rode down Broad Street at Laverick Wells, looking like a fine, faithful old
+family servant, with a slight scorbutic affection of the nose. He had
+everything correctly arranged in true sporting marching order. The
+collar-shanks were neatly coiled under the headstalls, the clothing tightly
+rolled and balanced above the little saddle-bags on the led horse, 'Multum
+in Parvo's' back, with the story-telling whip sticking through the roller.
+
+Leather arrived at Laverick Wells just as the first shades of a November
+night were drawing on, and anxious mammas and careful _chaperons_ were
+separating their fair charges from their respective admirers and the
+dreaded night air, leaving the streets to the gaslight men and youths 'who
+love the moon.' The girls having been withdrawn, licentious youths linked
+arms, and bore down the broad _pavé_, quizzing this person, laughing at
+that, and staring the pin-stickers and straw-chippers out of countenance.
+
+'Here's an arrival!' exclaimed one. 'Dash my buttons, who have we here?'
+asked another, as Leather hove in sight. 'That's not a bad looking horse,'
+observed a third. 'Bid him five pounds for it for me,' rejoined a fourth.
+
+'I say, old Bardolph! who do them 'ere quadrupeds belong to?' asked one,
+taking a scented cigar out of his mouth.
+
+Leather, though as impudent a dog as any of them, and far more than a match
+for the best of them at a tournament of slang, being on his preferment,
+thought it best to be civil, and replied, with a touch of his hat, that
+they were 'Mr. Sponge's.'
+
+'Ah! old sponge biscuits!--I know him!' exclaimed a youth in a Tweed
+wrapper. 'My father married his aunt. Give my love to him, and tell him to
+breakfast with me at six in the morning--he! he! he!'
+
+'I say, old boy, that copper-coloured quadruped hasn't got all his shoes on
+before,' squeaked a childish voice, now raised for the first time.
+
+'That's intended, gov'nor,' growled Leather, riding on, indignant at the
+idea of any one attempting to 'sell him' with such an old stable joke. So
+Leather passed on through the now splendidly lit up streets, the large
+plate-glass windowed shops, radiant with gas, exhibiting rich,
+many-coloured velvets, silver gauzes, ribbons without end, fancy flowers,
+elegant shawls labelled 'Very chaste,' 'Patronized by Royalty,' 'Quite the
+go!' and white kid-gloves in such profusion that there seemed to be a pair
+for every person in the place.
+
+Mr. Leather established himself at the 'Eclipse Livery and Bait Stables,'
+in Pegasus Street, or Peg Street, as it is generally called, where he
+enacted the character of stud-groom to perfection, doing nothing himself,
+but seeing that others did his work, and strutting consequentially with the
+corn-sieves at feeding time.
+
+After Leather's long London experience, it is natural to suppose that he
+would not be long in falling in with some old acquaintance at a place like
+the 'Wells,' and the first night fortunately brought him in contact with a
+couple of grooms who had had the honour of his acquaintance when in all the
+radiance of his glass-blown wigged prosperity as body-coachman to the Duke
+of Dazzleton, and who knew nothing of the treadmill, or his subsequent
+career. This introduction served with his own easy assurance, and the
+deference country servants always pay to London ones, at once to give him
+standing, and it is creditable to the etiquette of servitude to say, that
+on joining the 'Mutton Chop and Mealy Potato Club,' at the Cat and
+Bagpipes, on the second night after his arrival, the whole club rose to
+receive him on entering, and placed him in the post of honour, on the right
+of the president.
+
+He was very soon quite at home with the whole of them, and ready to tell
+anything he knew of the great families in which he had lived. Of course, he
+abused the duke's place, and said he had been obliged to give him 'hup' at
+last, 'bein' quite an unpossible man to live with; indeed, his only wonder
+was, that he had been able to put hup with him so long.' The duchess was a
+'good cretur,' he said, and, indeed, it was mainly on her account that he
+stayed, but as to the duke, he was--everything that was bad, in short.
+
+Mr. Sponge, on the other hand, had no reason to complain of the colours in
+which his stud-groom painted him. Instead of being the shirtless strapper
+of a couple of vicious hack hunters, Leather made himself out to be the
+general superintendent of the opulent owner of a large stud. The exact
+number varied with the number of glasses of grog Leather had taken, but he
+never had less than a dozen, and sometimes as many as twenty hunters under
+his care. These, he said, were planted all over the kingdom; some at
+Melton, to ''unt with the Quorn'; some at Northampton, to ''unt with the
+Pytchley'; some at Lincoln, to ''unt with Lord 'Enry'; and some at Louth,
+to ''unt with'--he didn't know who. What a fine flattering, well-spoken
+world this is, when the speaker can raise his own consequence by our
+elevation! One would think that 'envy, hatred, malice, and all
+uncharitableness' had gone to California. A weak-minded man might have his
+head turned by hearing the description given of him by his friends. But
+hear the same party on the running-down tack!--when either his own
+importance is not involved, or dire offence makes it worth his while 'to
+cut off his nose to spite his face.' No one would recognize the portrait
+then drawn as one of the same individual.
+
+Mr. Leather, as we said before, was in the laudatory strain, but, like many
+indiscreet people, he overdid it. Not content with magnifying the stud to
+the liberal extent already described, he must needs puff his master's
+riding, and indulge in insinuations about 'showing them all the way,' and
+so on. Now nothing 'aggrawates' other grooms so much as this sort of
+threat, and few things travel quicker than these sort of vapourings to
+their masters' ears. Indeed, we can only excuse the lengths to which
+Leather went, on the ground of his previous coaching career not having
+afforded him a due insight into the delicacies of the hunting stable; it
+being remembered that he was only now acting as stud-groom for the first
+time. However, be that as it may, he brewed up a pretty storm, and the
+longer it raged the stronger it became.
+
+''Ord dash it!' exclaimed young Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider,
+bursting into Scorer's billiard-room in the midst of a full gathering, who
+were looking on at a grand game of poule, 'Ord dash it! there's a fellow
+coming who swears by Jove that he'll take the shine out of us all, "cut us
+all down!"'
+
+'I'll play him for what he likes!' exclaimed the cool, coatless Captain
+Macer, striking his ball away for a cannon.
+
+'Hang your play!' replied Spareneck; 'you're always thinking of play--it's
+hunting I'm talking of.' bringing his heavy, silver-mounted jockey-whip a
+crack down his leg.
+
+'You don't say so!' exclaimed Sam Shortcut, who had been flattered into
+riding rather harder than he liked, and feared his pluck might be put to
+the test.
+
+'What a ruffian!'--(puff)--observed Mr. Waffles, taking his cigar from his
+mouth as he sat on the bench, dressed as a racket-player, looking on at the
+game, 'he shalln't ride roughshod over us.'
+
+'That he shalln't!' exclaimed Caingey Thornton, Mr. Waffles's premier
+toady, and constant trencherman.
+
+'I'll ride him!' rejoined Mr. Spareneck, jockeying his arms, and
+flourishing his whip as if he was at work, adding: 'his old brandy-nosed,
+frosty-whiskered trumpeter of a groom says he's coming down by the five
+o'clock train. I vote we go and meet him--invite him to a steeple-chase by
+moonlight.'
+
+'I vote we go and see him, at all events,' observed Frank Hoppey, laying
+down his cue and putting on his coat, adding, 'I should like to see a man
+bold enough to beard a whole hunt--especially such a hunt as _ours_.'
+
+'Finish the game first,' observed Captain Macer, who had rather the best of
+it.
+
+'No, leave the balls as they are till we come back,' rejoined Ned Stringer;
+'we shall be late. See, it's only ten _to_, now,' continued he, pointing to
+the timepiece above the fire; whereupon there was a putting away of cues,
+hurrying on of coats, seeking of hats, sorting of sticks, and a general
+desertion of the room for the railway station.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+OUR HERO ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+Punctual to the moment, the railway train, conveying the redoubtable
+genius, glid into the well-lighted, elegant little station of Laverick
+Wells, and out of a first-class carriage emerged Mr. Sponge, in a 'down the
+road' coat, carrying a horse-sheet wrapper in his hand. So small and
+insignificant did the station seem after the gigantic ones of London, that
+Mr. Sponge thought he had wasted his money in taking a first-class ticket,
+seeing there was no one to know. Mr. Leather, who was in attendance, having
+received him hat in hand, with all the deference due to the master of
+twenty hunters, soon undeceived him on that point. Having eased him of his
+wrapper, and inquired about his luggage, and despatched a porter for a fly,
+they stood together over the portmanteau and hat-box till it arrived.
+
+'How are the horses?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Oh, the osses be nicely, sir,' replied Leather; 'they travelled down
+uncommon well, and I've had 'em both removed sin they com'd, so either on
+'em is fit to go i' the mornin' that you think proper.'
+
+'Where are the hounds?' asked our hero.
+
+''Ounds be at Whirleypool Windmill,' replied Leather, 'that's about five
+miles off.'
+
+'What sort of country is it?' inquired Sponge.
+
+'It be a stiffish country from all accounts, with a good deal o' water
+jumpin'; that is to say, the Liffey runs twistin' and twinin' about it like
+a H'Eel.'
+
+'Then I'd better ride the brown, I think,' observed Sponge, after a pause:
+'he has size and stride enough to cover anything, if he will but face
+water.'
+
+'I'll warrant him for that,' replied Leather; 'only let the Latchfords well
+into him, and he'll go.'
+
+'Are there many hunting-men down?' inquired our friend casually.
+
+'Great many,' replied Leather, 'great many; some good 'ands among 'em too;
+at least to say their grums, though I never believe all these jockeys say.
+There be some on 'em 'ere now,' observed Leather, in an undertone, with a
+wink of his roguish eye, and jerk of his head towards where a knot of them
+stood eyeing our friend most intently.
+
+'Which?' inquired Sponge, looking about the thinly peopled station.
+
+'There,' replied Leather, 'those by the book-stall. That be Mr. Waffles,'
+continued he, giving his master a touch in the ribs as he jerked his
+portmanteau into a fly, 'that be Mr. Waffles,' repeated he, with a knowing
+leer.
+
+'Which?' inquired Mr. Sponge eagerly.
+
+'The gent in the green wide-awake 'at, and big-button'd overcoat,' replied
+Leather, 'jest now a speakin' to the youth in the tweed and all tweed; that
+be Master Caingey Thornton, as big a little blackguard as any in the
+place--lives upon Waffles, and yet never has a good word to say for him,
+no, nor for no one else--and yet to 'ear the little devil a-talkin' to him,
+you'd really fancy he believed there wasn't not never sich another man i'
+the world as Waffles--not another sich rider--not another sich
+racket-player--not another sich pigeon-shooter--not another sich fine chap
+altogether.'
+
+'Has Thornton any horses?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Not he,' replied Leather, 'not he, nor the gen'lman next him nouther--he,
+in the pilot coat, with the whip sticking out of the pocket, nor the one in
+the coffee-coloured 'at, nor none on 'em in fact'; adding, 'they all live
+on Squire Waffles--breakfast with him--dine with him--drink with him--smoke
+with him--and if any on 'em 'appen to 'ave an 'orse, why they sell to him,
+and so ride for nothin' themselves.'
+
+'A convenient sort of gentleman,' observed Mr. Sponge, thinking he, too,
+might accommodate him.
+
+The fly-man now touched his hat, indicative of a wish to be off, having a
+fare waiting elsewhere. Mr. Sponge directed him to proceed to the Brunswick
+Hotel, while, accompanied by Leather, he proceeded on foot to the stables.
+
+Mr. Leather, of course, had the valuable stud under lock and key, with
+every crevice and air-hole well stuffed with straw, as if they had been the
+most valuable horses in the world. Having produced the ring-key from his
+pocket, Mr. Leather opened the door, and having got his master in, speedily
+closed it, lest a breath of fresh air might intrude. Having lighted a
+lucifer, he turned on the gas, and exhibited the blooming-coated horses,
+well littered in straw, showing that he was not the man to pay
+four-and-twenty shillings a week for nothing. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing them
+for some seconds with evident approbation.
+
+'If any one asks you about the horses, you can say they are _mine_, you
+know,' at length observed he casually, with an emphasis on the mine.
+
+'In course,' replied Leather.
+
+'I mean, you needn't say anything about their being _jobs_,' observed
+Sponge, fearing Leather mightn't exactly 'take.'
+
+'You trust me,' replied Leather, with a knowing wink and a jerk of his
+elbow against his master's side; 'you trust me,' repeated he, with a look
+as much as to say, 'we understand each other.'
+
+'I've hadded a few to them, indeed,' continued Leather, looking to see how
+his master took it.
+
+'Have you?' observed Mr. Sponge inquiringly.
+
+'I've made out that you've as good as twenty, one way or another,' observed
+Leather; 'some 'ere, some there, all over in fact, and that you jest run
+about the country, and 'unt with 'oever comes h'uppermost.'
+
+'Well, and what's the upshot of it all?' inquired Mr. Sponge, thinking his
+groom seemed wonderfully enthusiastic in his interest.
+
+'Why, the hupshot of it is,' replied Leather, 'that the men are all mad,
+and the women all wild to see you. I hear at my club, the Mutton Chop and
+Mealy Potato Club, which is frequented by flunkies as well as grums, that
+there's nothin' talked of at dinner or tea, but the terrible rich stranger
+that's a comin', and the gals are all pulling caps, who's to have the first
+chance.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, chuckling at the sensation he was creating.
+
+'The Miss Shapsets, there be five on 'em, have had a game at fly loo for
+you,' continued Leather, 'at least so their little maid tells me.'
+
+'Fly _what_?' inquired Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Fly loo,' repeated Leather, 'fly loo.'
+
+Mr. Sponge shook his head. For once he was not 'fly.'
+
+'You see,' continued Leather, in explanation, 'their father is one of them
+tight-laced candlestick priests wot abhors all sorts of wice and
+himmorality, and won't stand card playin', or gamblin', or nothin' o' that
+sort, so the young ladies when they want to settle a point, who's to be
+married first, or who's to have the richest 'usband, play fly loo. 'Sposing
+it's at breakfast time, they all sit quiet and sober like round the table,
+lookin' as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, and each has a lump o'
+sugar on her plate, or by her cup, or somewhere, and whoever can 'tice a
+fly to come to her sugar first, wins the wager, or whatever it is they play
+for.'
+
+'Five on 'em,' as Leather said, being a hopeless number to extract any good
+from, Mr. Sponge changed the subject by giving orders for the morrow.
+
+Mr. Sponge's appearance being decidedly of the sporting order, and his
+horses maintaining the character, did not alleviate the agitated minds of
+the sporting beholders, ruffled as they were with the threatening,
+vapouring insinuations of the coachman-groom, Peter Leather. There is
+nothing sets men's backs up so readily, as a hint that any one is coming to
+take the 'shine' out of them across country. We have known the most deadly
+feuds engendered between parties who never spoke to each other by adroit
+go-betweens reporting to each what the other said, or, perhaps, did not
+say, but what the 'go-betweens' knew would so rouse the British lion as to
+make each ride to destruction if necessary.
+
+'He's a varmint-looking chap,' observed Mr. Waffles, as the party returned
+from the railway station; 'shouldn't wonder if he can go--dare say he'll
+try--shouldn't wonder if he's floored--awfully stiff country this for
+horses that are not used to it--most likely his are Leicestershire nags,
+used to fly--won't do here. If he attempts to take some of our big banked
+bullfinches in his stride, with a yawner on each side, will get into
+grief.'
+
+'Hang him,' interrupted Caingey Thornton, 'there are good men in all
+countries.'
+
+'So there are!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider.
+
+'I've no notion of a fellow lording it, because he happens to come out of
+Leicestershire,' rejoined Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Nor I!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck.
+
+'Why doesn't he stay in Leicestershire?' asked Mr. Hoppey, now raising his
+voice for the first time--adding, 'Who asked him here?'
+
+'Who, indeed?' sneered Mr. Thornton.
+
+In this mood our friends arrived at the Imperial Hotel, where there was
+always a dinner the day before hunting--a dinner that, somehow, was served
+up in Mr. Waffles's rooms, who was allowed the privilege of paying for all
+those who did not pay for themselves; rather a considerable number, we
+believe.
+
+The best of everything being good enough for the guests, and profuse
+liberality the order of the day, the cloth generally disappeared before a
+contented audience, whatever humour they might have set down in. As the
+least people can do who dine at an inn and don't pay their own shot, is to
+drink the health of the man who does pay, Mr. Waffles was always lauded and
+applauded to the skies--such a master--such a sportsman--such
+knowledge--such science--such a pattern-card. On this occasion the toast
+was received with extra enthusiasm, for the proposer, Mr. Caingey Thornton,
+who was desperately in want of a mount, after going the rounds of the old
+laudatory course, alluded to the threatened vapourings of the stranger, and
+expressed his firm belief that he would 'meet with his match,' a 'taking of
+the bull by the horns,' that met with very considerable favour from the
+wine-flushed party, the majority of whom, at that moment, made very
+'small,' in their own minds, of the biggest fence that ever was seen.
+
+There is nothing so easy as going best pace over the mahogany.
+
+Mr. Waffles, who was received with considerable applause, and patting of
+the table, responded to the toast in his usual felicitous style, assuring
+the company that he lived but for the enjoyment of their charming society,
+and that all the money in the world would be useless, if he hadn't Laverick
+Wells to spend it in. With regard to the vapourings of a 'certain
+gentleman,' he thought it would be very odd if some of them could not take
+the shine out of him, observing that 'Brag' was a good dog, but 'Holdfast'
+was a better, with certain other sporting similes and phrases, all
+indicative of showing fight. The steam is soon got up after dinner, and as
+they were all of the same mind, and all agreed that a gross insult had
+been offered to the hunt in general, and themselves in particular, the only
+question was, how to revenge it. At last they hit upon it. Old Slocdolager,
+the late master of the hunt, had been in the habit of having Tom Towler,
+the huntsman, to his lodgings the night before hunting, where, over a glass
+of gin-and-water, they discussed the doings of the day, and the general
+arrangements of the country.
+
+Mr. Waffles had had him in sometimes, though for a different purpose--at
+least, in reality for a different purpose, though he always made hunting
+the excuse for sending for him, and that purpose was, to try how many
+silver foxes' heads full of port wine Tom could carry off without tumbling,
+and the old fellow being rather liquorishly inclined, had never made any
+objection to the experiment. Mr. Waffles now wanted him, to endeavour,
+under the mellowing influence of drink, to get him to enter cordially into
+what he knew would be distasteful to the old sportsman's feelings, namely,
+to substitute a 'drag' for the legitimate find and chase of the fox.
+Fox-hunting, though exciting and exhilarating at all times, except,
+perhaps, when the 'fallows are flying,' and the sportsman feels that in all
+probability, the further he goes the further he is left
+behind--Fox-hunting, we say, though exciting and exhilarating, does not,
+when the real truth is spoken, present such conveniences for neck-breaking,
+as people, who take their ideas from Mr. Ackermann's print-shop window,
+imagine. That there are large places in most fences is perfectly true; but
+that there are also weak ones is also the fact, and a practised eye catches
+up the latter uncommonly quick. Therefore, though a madman may ride at the
+big places, a sane man is not expected to follow; and even should any one
+be tempted so to do, the madman having acted pioneer, will have cleared the
+way, or at all events proved its practicability for the follower.
+
+In addition to this, however, hounds having to smell as they go, cannot
+travel at the ultra steeple-chase pace, so opposed to 'looking before you
+leap,' and so conducive to danger and difficulty, and as going even at a
+fair pace depends upon the state of the atmosphere, and the scent the fox
+leaves behind, it is evident that where mere daring hard riding is the
+object, a fox-hunt cannot be depended upon for furnishing the necessary
+accommodation. A drag-hunt is quite a different thing. The drag can be made
+to any strength; enabling hounds to run as if they were tied to it, and can
+be trailed so as to bring in all the dangerous places in the country with a
+certain air of plausibility, enabling a man to look round and exclaim, as
+he crams at a bullfinch or brook, 'he's leading us over a most desperate
+country--never saw such fencing in all my life!' Drag-hunting, however, as
+we said before, is not popular with sportsmen, certainly not with huntsmen,
+and though our friends with their wounded feelings determined to have one,
+they had yet to smooth over old Tom to get him to come into their views.
+That was now the difficulty.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+OLD TOM TOWLER
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There are few more difficult persons to identify than a huntsman in
+undress, and of all queer ones perhaps old Tom Towler was the queerest. Tom
+in his person furnished an apt illustration of the right appropriation of
+talent and the fitness of things, for he would neither have made a groom,
+nor a coachman, nor a postillion, nor a footman, nor a ploughman, nor a
+mechanic, nor anything we know of, and yet he was first-rate as a huntsman.
+He was too weak for a groom, too small for a coachman, too ugly for a
+postillion, too stunted for a footman, too light for a ploughman, too
+useless-looking for almost anything.
+
+Any one looking at him in 'mufti' would exclaim, 'what an unfortunate
+object!' and perhaps offer him a penny, while in his hunting habiliments
+lords would hail him with, 'Well, Tom, how are you?' and baronets ask him
+'how he was?' Commoners felt honoured by his countenance, and yet, but for
+hunting, Tom would have been wasted--a cypher--an inapplicable sort of man.
+Old Tom, in his scarlet coat, black cap, and boots, and Tom in his
+undress--say, shirt-sleves, shorts, grey stockings and shoes, bore about
+the same resemblance to each other that a three months dead jay nailed to a
+keeper's lodge bears to the bright-plumaged bird when flying about. On
+horseback, Tom was a cockey, wiry-looking, keen-eyed, grim-visaged,
+hard-bitten little fellow, sitting as though he and his horse were all one,
+while on foot he was the most shambling, scambling, crooked-going crab that
+ever was seen. He was a complete mash of a man. He had been scalped by the
+branch of a tree, his nose knocked into a thing like a button by the kick
+of a horse, his teeth sent down his throat by a fall, his collar-bone
+fractured, his left leg broken and his right arm ditto, to say nothing of
+damage to his ribs, fingers, and feet, and having had his face scarified
+like pork by repeated brushings through strong thorn fences.
+
+But we will describe him as he appeared before Mr. Waffles, and the
+gentlemen of the Laverick Wells Hunt, on the night of Mr. Sponge's arrival.
+Tom's spirit being roused at hearing the boastings of Mr. Leather, and
+thinking, perhaps, his master might have something to say, or thinking,
+perhaps, to partake of the eleemosynary drink generally going on in large
+houses of public entertainment, had taken up his quarters in the bar of the
+'Imperial,' where he was attentively perusing the 'meets' in _Bell's Life_,
+reading how the Atherstone met at Gopsall, the Bedale at Hornby, the
+Cottesmore at Tilton Wood, and so on, with an industry worthy of a better
+cause; for Tom neither knew country, nor places, nor masters, nor hounds,
+nor huntsmen, nor anything, though he still felt an interest in reading
+where they were going to hunt. Thus he sat with a quick ear, one of the
+few undamaged organs of his body, cocked to hear if Tom Towler was asked
+for; when a waiter dropping his name from the landing of the staircase to
+the hall porter, asking if anybody had seen anything of him, Tom folded up
+his paper, put it in his pocket, and passing his hand over the few
+straggling bristles yet sticking about his bald head, proceeded, hat in
+hand, upstairs to his master's room.
+
+His appearance called forth a round of view halloos! Who-hoops! Tally-ho's!
+Hark forwards! amidst which, and the waving of napkins, and general noises,
+Tom proceeded at a twisting, limping, halting, sideways sort of scramble up
+the room. His crooked legs didn't seem to have an exact understanding with
+his body which way they were to go; one, the right one, being evidently
+inclined to lurch off to the side, while the left one went stamp, stamp,
+stamp, as if equally determined to resist any deviation.
+
+At length he reached the top of the table, where sat his master, with the
+glittering Fox's head before him. Having made a sort of scratch bow, Tom
+proceeded to stand at ease, as it were, on the left leg, while he placed
+the late recusant right, which was a trifle shorter, as a prop behind. No
+one, to look at the little wizen'd old man in the loose dark frock, baggy
+striped waistcoat, and patent cord breeches, extending below where the
+calves of his bow legs ought to have been, would have supposed that it was
+the noted huntsman and dashing rider, Tom Towler, whose name was celebrated
+throughout the country. He might have been a village tailor, or sexton, or
+barber; anything but a hero.
+
+'Well, Tom,' said Mr. Waffles, taking up the Fox's head, as Tom came to
+anchor by his side, 'how are you?'
+
+'Nicely, thank you, sir,' replied Tom, giving the bald head another sweep.
+
+Mr. Waffles.--'What'll you drink?'
+
+Tom.--'Port, if you please, sir.'
+
+'There it is for you, then,' said Mr. Waffles, brimming the Fox's head,
+which held about the third of a bottle (an inn bottle at least), and
+handing it to him.
+
+'Gentlemen all,' said Tom, passing his sleeve across his mouth, and
+casting a side-long glance at the company as he raised the cup to drink
+their healths.
+
+He quaffed it off at a draught.
+
+'Well, Tom, and what shall we do to-morrow?' asked Mr. Waffles, as Tom
+replaced the Fox's head, nose uppermost, on the table.
+
+[Illustration: OLD TOM TOWLER]
+
+'Why, we must draw Ribston Wood fust, I s'pose,' replied Tom, 'and then on
+to Bradwell Grove, unless you thought well of tryin' Chesterton Common on
+the road, or--'
+
+'Aye, aye,' interrupted Waffles, 'I know all that; but what I want to know
+is, whether we can make sure of a run. We want to give this great
+metropolitan swell a benefit. You know who I mean?'
+
+'The gen'leman as is com'd to the Brunswick, I 'spose,' replied Tom; 'at
+least as _is_ comin', for I've not heard that he's com'd yet.'
+
+'Oh, but he _has_,' replied Mr. Waffles, 'and I make no doubt will be out
+to-morrow.'
+
+'S--o--o,' observed Tom, in a long drawled note.
+
+'Well, now! do you think you can engage to give us a run?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, seeing his huntsman did not seem inclined to help him to his
+point.
+
+'I'll do my best,' replied Tom, cautiously running the many contingencies
+through his mind.
+
+'Take another drop of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again raising the Fox's
+head. 'What'll you have?'
+
+'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.
+
+'There,' said Mr. Waffles, handing him another bumper; 'drink Fox-hunting.'
+
+'Fox-huntin',' said old Tom, quaffing off the measure, as before. A flush
+of life came into his weather-beaten face, just as a glow of heat enlivens
+a blacksmith's hearth, after a touch of the bellows.
+
+'You must never let this bumptious cock beat us,' observed Mr. Waffles.
+
+'No--o--o,' replied Tom, adding, 'there's no fear of that.'
+
+'But he swears he _will_!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton. 'He swears there
+isn't a man shall come within a field of him.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Tom, with a twinkle of his little bright eyes.
+
+'I tell you what, Tom,' observed Mr. Waffles, 'we must sarve him out,
+somehow.'
+
+'Oh! he'll sarve hissel' out, in all probability,' replied Tom; carelessly
+adding, 'these boastin' chaps always do.'
+
+'Couldn't we contrive something,' asked Mr. Waffles, 'to draw him out?'
+
+Tom was silent. He was a hunting huntsman, not a riding one.
+
+'Have a glass of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again appealing to the Fox's
+head.
+
+'Thank you, sir, I've had a glass,' replied Tom, sinking the second one.
+
+'What will you have?' asked Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.
+
+'Here it is,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, again handing him the measure.
+
+Up went the cup, over went the contents; but Tom set it down with a less
+satisfied face than before. He had had enough. The left leg prop, too, gave
+way, and he was nearly toppling on the table.
+
+Having got a chair for the dilapidated old man, they again essayed to get
+him into their line, with better success than before. Having plied him well
+with port, they now plied him well with the stranger, and what with the one
+and the other, and a glass or two of brandy-and-water, Tom became very
+tractable, and it was ultimately arranged that they should have a drag over
+the very stiffest parts of the country, wherein all who liked should take
+part, but that Mr. Caingey Thornton and Mr. Spareneck should be especially
+deputed to wait upon Mr. Sponge, and lead him into mischief. Of course it
+was to be a 'profound secret,' and equally, of course, it stood a good
+chance of being kept, seeing how many were in it, the additional number it
+would have to be communicated to before it could be carried out, and the
+happy state old Tom was in for arranging matters. Nevertheless, our friends
+at the 'Imperial' congratulated themselves on their success; and after a
+few minutes spent in discussing old Tom on his withdrawal, the party broke
+up, to array themselves in the splendid dress uniform of the 'Hunt,' to
+meet again at Miss Jumpheavy's ball.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE MEET--THE FIND, AND THE FINISH
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Early to bed and early to rise being among Mr. Sponge's maxims, he was
+enjoying the view of the pantiles at the back of his hotel shortly after
+daylight the next morning, a time about as difficult to fix in a November
+day as the age of a lady of a 'certain age.' It takes even an expeditious
+dresser ten minutes or a quarter of an hour extra the first time he has to
+deal with boots and breeches; and Mr. Sponge being quite a pattern card in
+his peculiar line, of course took a good deal more to get himself 'up'.
+
+An accustomed eye could see a more than ordinary stir in the streets that
+morning. Riding-masters and their assistants might be seen going along with
+strings of saddled and side-saddled screws; flys began to roll at an
+earlier hour, and natty tigers to kick about in buckskins prior to
+departing with hunters, good, bad, and indifferent.
+
+Each man had told his partner at Miss Jumpheavy's ball of the capital trick
+they were going to play the stranger; and a desire to see the stranger, far
+more than a desire to see the trick, caused many fair ones to forsake their
+downy couches who had much better have kept them.
+
+The world is generally very complaisant with regard to strangers, so long
+as they _are_ strangers, generally making them out to be a good deal better
+than they really are, and Mr. Sponge came in for his full share of stranger
+credit. They not only brought all the twenty horses Leather said he had
+scattered about to Laverick Wells, but made him out to have a house in
+Eaton Square, a yacht at Cowes, and a first-rate moor in Scotland, and
+some said a peerage in expectancy. No wonder that he 'drew,' as theatrical
+people say.
+
+Let us now suppose him breakfasted, and ready for a start.
+
+He was 'got up' with uncommon care in the most complete style of the severe
+order of sporting costume. It being now the commencement of the legitimate
+hunting season--the first week in November--he availed himself of the
+privileged period for turning out in everything new. Rejecting the now
+generally worn cap, he adhered to the heavy, close-napped hat, described in
+our opening chapter, whose connexion with his head, or back, if it came
+off, was secured by a small black silk cord, hooked through the band by a
+fox's tooth, and anchored to a button inside the haven of his low
+coat-collar. His neck was enveloped in the ample folds of a large white
+silk cravat, tied in a pointing diamond tie, and secured with a large
+silver horse-shoe pin, the shoe being almost large enough for the foot of a
+young donkey.
+
+His low, narrow-collared coat was of the infinitesimal order; that is to
+say, a coat, and yet as little of a coat as possible--very near a jacket,
+in fact. The seams, of course, were outside, and were it not for the
+extreme strength and evenness of the sewing and the evident intention of
+the thing, an ignorant person might have supposed that he had had his coat
+turned. A double layer of cloth extended the full length of the outside of
+the sleeves, much in the fashion of the stage-coachmen's greatcoats in
+former times; and instead of cuffs, the sleeves were carried out to the
+ends of the fingers, leaving it to the fancy of the wearer to sport a long
+cuff or a short cuff, or no cuff at all--just as the weather dictated.
+Though the coat was single-breasted, he had a hole made on the button side,
+to enable him to keep it together by means of a miniature snaffle, instead
+of a button. The snaffle passed across his chest, from whence the coatee,
+flowing easily back, displayed the broad ridge and furrow of a white cord
+waistcoat, with a low step collar, the vest reaching low down his figure,
+with large flap pockets and a nick out in front, like a coachman's.
+Instead of buttons, the waistcoat was secured with foxes' tusks and catgut
+loops, while a heavy curb chain, passing from one pocket to the other,
+raised the impression that there was a watch in one and a bunch of seals in
+the other. The waistcoat was broadly bound with white binding, and, like
+the coat, evinced great strength and powers of resistance. His breeches
+were of a still broader furrow than the waistcoat, looking as if the
+ploughman had laid two ridges into one. They came low down the leg, and
+were met by a pair of well-made, well put on, very brown topped boots, a
+colour then unknown at Laverick Wells. His spurs were bright and heavy,
+with formidable necks and rowels, whose slightest touch would make a horse
+wince, and put him on his good behaviour.
+
+Nor did the great slapping brown horse, Hercules, turn out less imposingly
+than his master. Leather, though not the man to work himself, had a very
+good idea of work, and right manfully he made the helpers at the Eclipse
+livery and bait stables strap and groom his horses. Hercules was a fine
+animal. It did not require a man to be a great judge of a horse to see
+that. Even the ladies, though perhaps they would rather have had him a
+white or a cream colour, could not but admire his nut-brown muzzle, his
+glossy coat, his silky mane, and the elegant way in which he carried his
+flowing tail. His step was delightful to look at--so free, so accurate, and
+so easy. And that reminds us that we may as well be getting Mr. Sponge
+up--a feat of no easy accomplishment. Few hack hunters are without their
+little peculiarities. Some are runaways--some kick--some bite--some go tail
+first on the road--some go tail first at their fences--some rush as if they
+were going to eat them, others baulk them altogether--and few, very few,
+give satisfaction. Those that do, generally retire from the public stud to
+the private one. But to our particular quadruped, 'Hercules.'
+
+Mr. Sponge was not without his misgivings that, regardless of being on his
+preferment, the horse might exhibit more of his peculiarity than would
+forward his master's interests, and, independently of the disagreeableness
+of being kicked off at the cover side, not being always compensated for by
+falling soft, Mr. Sponge thought, as the meet was not far off, and he did
+not sport a cover hack, it would look quite as well to ride his horse
+quietly on as go in a fly, provided always he could accomplish the
+mount--the mount--like the man walking with his head under his arm--being
+the first step to everything.
+
+Accordingly, Mr. Leather had the horse saddled and accoutred as quietly as
+possible--his warm clothing put over the saddle immediately, and everything
+kept as much in the usual course as possible, so that the noble animal's
+temper might not be ruffled by unaccustomed trouble or unusual objects.
+Leather having seen that the horse could not eject Mr. Sponge even in
+trousers, had little fear of his dislodging him in boots and breeches;
+still it was desirable to avoid all unseemly contention, and maintain the
+high character of the stud, by which means Leather felt that his own
+character and consequence would best be maintained. Accordingly, he
+refrained from calling in the aid of any of the stable assistants,
+preferring for once to do a little work himself, especially when the rider
+was up to the trick, and not 'a gent' to be cajoled into 'trying a horse.'
+Mr. Sponge, punctual to his time, appeared at the stable, and after much
+patting, whistling, so--so--ing, my man, and general ingratiation, the
+redoubtable nag was led out of the stable into a well-littered straw-yard,
+where, though he might be gored by a bull if he fell, the 'eyes of England'
+at all events would not witness the floorer. Horses, however, have
+wonderful memories and discrimination. Though so differently attired to
+what he was on the occasion of his trial, the horse seemed to recognize Mr.
+Sponge, and independently of a few snorts as he was led out, and an
+indignant stamp or two of his foot as it was let down, after Mr. Sponge was
+mounted he took things very quietly.
+
+'Now,' said Leather, in an undertone, patting the horse's arched neck,
+'I'll give you a hint; they're a goin' to run a drag to try what he's made
+on, so be on the look-out.'
+
+'How do you know?' asked Mr. Sponge, in surprise, drawing his reins as he
+spoke.
+
+'_I know_,' replied Mr. Leather with a wink.
+
+Just then the horse began to plunge, and paw, and give symptoms of
+uneasiness, and not wishing to fret or exhibit his weak points, Mr. Sponge
+gave him his head, and passing through the side-gate was presently in the
+street. He didn't exactly understand it, but having full confidence in his
+horsemanship, and believing the one he was on required nothing but riding,
+he was not afraid to take his chance.
+
+Not being the man to put his candle under a bushel, Mr. Sponge took the
+principal streets on his way out of town. We are not sure that he did not
+go rather out of his way to get them in, but that is neither here nor
+there, seeing he was a stranger who didn't know the way. What a sensation
+his appearance created as the gallant brown stepped proudly and freely up
+Coronation Street, showing his smart, clean, well-put-on head up and down
+on the unrestrained freedom of the snaffle.
+
+'Oh, d--n it, there he is!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, jumping up from the
+breakfast-table, and nearly sweeping the contents off by catching the cloth
+with his spur.
+
+'Where?' exclaimed half-a-dozen voices, amid a general rush to the windows.
+
+'What a fright!' exclaimed little Miss Martindale, whispering into Miss
+Beauchamp's ear: 'I'm sure anybody may have him for me,' though she felt in
+her heart that he was far from bad looking.
+
+'I wonder how long he's taken to put on that choker,' observed Mr.
+Spareneck, eyeing him intently, not without an inward qualm that he had set
+himself a more difficult task than he imagined, to 'cut him down,'
+especially when he looked at the noble animal he bestrode, and the masterly
+way he sat him.
+
+'What a pair of profligate boots,' observed Captain Whitfield, as our
+friend now passed his lodgings.
+
+'It would be the duty of a right-thinking man to ride over a fellow in such
+a pair,' observed his friend, Mr. Cox, who was breakfasting with him.
+
+'Ride over a fellow in such a pair!' exclaimed Whitfield. 'No well-bred
+horse would face such things, I should think.'
+
+'He seems to think a good deal of himself!' observed Mr. Cox, as Sponge
+cast an admiring eye down his shining boot.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Whitfield; 'perhaps he'll have the conceit
+taken out of him before night.'
+
+'Well, I hope you'll be in time, old boy!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles to
+himself, as looking down from his bedroom window, he espied Mr. Sponge
+passing up the street on his way to cover. Mr. Waffles was just out of bed,
+and had yet to dress and breakfast.
+
+One man in scarlet sets all the rest on the fidget, and without troubling
+to lay 'that or that' together, they desert their breakfasts, hurry to the
+stables, get out their horses and rattle away, lest their watches should be
+wrong or some arrangement made that they are ignorant of. The hounds too,
+were on, as was seen as well by their footmarks, as by the bob, bob,
+bobbing of sundry black caps above the hedges, on the Borrowdon road as the
+huntsman and whips proceeded at that pleasant post-boy trot, that has
+roused the wrath of so many riders against horses that they could not get
+to keep in time.
+
+Now look at old Tom, cocked jauntily on the spicey bay and see what a
+different Tom he is to what he was last night. Instead of a battered,
+limping, shabby-looking little old man, he is all alive and rises to the
+action of his horse, as though they were all one. A fringe of grey hair
+protrudes beneath his smart velvet cap, which sets off a weather-beaten but
+keen and expressive face, lit up with little piercing black eyes. See how
+chirpy and cheery he is; how his right arm keeps rising and falling with
+his whip, beating responsive to the horse's action with the butt-end
+against his thigh. His new scarlet coat imparts a healthy hue to his face,
+and good boots and breeches hide the imperfections of his bad legs. His
+hounds seem to partake of the old man's gaiety, and gather round his horse
+or frolic forward on the grassy sidings of the road, till, getting almost
+out of earshot, a single 'yooi doit!--Arrogant!'--or 'here again, Brusher!'
+brings them cheerfully back to whine and look in the old man's
+face for applause. Nor is he chary of his praise. 'G--oood
+betch!--Arrogant!--g--oood betch!' says he, leaning over his horse's
+shoulder towards her, and jerking his hand to induce her to proceed forward
+again. So the old man trots gaily on, now making of his horse, now coaxing
+a hound, now talking to a 'whip,' now touching or taking off his cap as he
+passes a sportsman, according to the estimation in which he holds him.
+
+As the hounds reach Whirleypool Windmill, there is a grand rush of
+pedestrians to meet them. First comes a velveteen-jacketed,
+leather-legginged keeper, with whom Tom (albeit suspicious of his honesty)
+thinks it prudent to shake hands; the miller and he, too, greet; and
+forthwith a black bottle with a single glass make their appearance, and
+pass current with the company. Then the earth-stopper draws nigh, and,
+resting a hand on Tom's horse's shoulder, whispers confidentially in his
+ear. The pedestrian sportsman of the country, too, has something to say;
+also a horse-breaker; while groups of awe-stricken children stand staring
+at the mighty Tom, thinking him the greatest man in the world.
+
+Railways and fox-hunting make most people punctual, and in less than five
+minutes from the halting of the hounds by the Windmill, the various roads
+leading up to it emit dark-coated grooms, who, dismounting, proceed to
+brush off the mud sparks, and rectify any little derangement the horses or
+their accoutrements may have contracted on the journey. Presently Mr.
+Sponge, and such other gentlemen as have ridden their own horses on, cast
+up, while from the eminence the road to Laverick Wells is distinctly
+traceable with scarlet coats and flys, with furs and flaunting feathers.
+Presently the foremost riders begin to canter up the hill, when
+
+      All around is gay, men, horses, dogs,
+    And in each smiling countenance appears
+    Fresh blooming health and universal joy.
+
+Then the ladies mingle with the scene, some on horseback, some in flys, all
+chatter and prattle as usual, some saying smart things, some trying, all
+making themselves as agreeable as possible, and of course as captivating.
+Some were in ecstasies at dear Miss Jumpheavy's ball--she was such a _nice_
+creature--such a charming ball, and so well managed, while others were
+anticipating the delights of Mrs. Tom Hoppey's, and some again were asking
+which was Mr. Sponge. Then up went the eye-glasses, while Mr. Sponge sat
+looking as innocent and as killing as he could. 'Dear me!' exclaimed one,
+'he's younger than I thought.' 'That's him, is it?' observed another; 'I
+saw him ride up the street'; while the propriety-playing ones praised his
+horse, and said it was a beauty.
+
+The hounds, which they all had come to see, were never looked at.
+
+Mr. Waffles, like many men with nothing to do, was most unpunctual. He
+never seemed to know what o'clock it was, and yet he had a watch, hung in
+chains, and gewgaws, like a lady's chatelaine. Hunting partook of the
+general confusion. He did not profess to throw off till eleven, but it was
+often nearly twelve before he cast up. Then he would come up full tilt,
+surrounded by 'scarlets,' like a general with his staff; and once at the
+meet, there was a prodigious hurry to begin, equalled only by the eagerness
+to leave off. On this auspicious day he hove in sight, coming best pace
+along the road, about twenty minutes before twelve, with a more numerous
+retinue than usual. In dress, Mr. Waffles was the light, butterfly order of
+sportsman--once-round tie, French polish, paper boots, and so on. On this
+occasion he sported a shirt-collar with three or four blue lines, and then
+a white space followed by three or more blue lines, the whole terminating
+in blue spots about the size of fourpenny pieces at the points; a
+once-round blue silk tie, with white spots and flying ends. His coat was a
+light, jackety sort of thing, with little pockets behind, something in the
+style of Mr. Sponge's (a docked dressing-gown), but wanting the outside
+seaming, back strapping, and general strength that characterized Mr.
+Sponge's. His waistcoat, of course, was a worked one--heart's-ease mingled
+with foxes' heads, on a true blue ground, the gift of--we'll not say
+who--his leathers were of the finest doe-skin, and his long-topped,
+pointed-toed boots so thin as to put all idea of wet or mud out of the
+question.
+
+Such was the youth who now cantered up and took off his cap to the rank,
+beauty, and fashion, assembled at Whirleypool Windmill. He then proceeded
+to pay his respects in detail. At length, having exhausted his 'nothings,'
+and said the same thing over again in a dozen different ways to a dozen
+different ladies, he gave a slight jerk of the head to Tom Towler, who
+forthwith whistled his hounds together, and attended by the whips, bustled
+from the scene.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN GREATGUN]
+
+Epping Hunt, in its most palmy days could not equal the exhibition that now
+took place. Some of the more lively of the horses, tired of waiting,
+perhaps pinched by the cold, for most of them were newly clipped, evinced
+their approbation of the move, by sundry squeals and capers, which being
+caught by others in the neighbourhood, the infection quickly spread, and in
+less than a minute there was such a scene of rocking, and rearing, and
+kicking, and prancing, and neighing and shooting over heads, and rolling
+over tails, and hanging on by manes, mingled with such screamings from the
+ladies in the flys, and such hearty-sounding kicks against splash boards
+and fly bottoms, from sundry of the vicious ones in harness, as never was
+witnessed. One gentleman, in a bran-new scarlet, mounted on a flourishing
+piebald, late the property of Mr. Batty, stood pawing and fighting the air,
+as if in the saw-dust circle, his unfortunate rider clinging round his
+neck, expecting to have the beast back over upon him. Another little wiry
+chestnut, with abundance of rings, racing martingale, and tackle generally,
+just turned tail on the crowd and ran off home as hard as ever he could lay
+legs to the ground; while a good steady bay cob, with a barrel like a butt,
+and a tail like a hearth-brush, having selected the muddiest, dirtiest
+place he could find, deliberately proceeded to lie down, to the horror of
+his rider, Captain Greatgun, of the royal navy, who, feeling himself
+suddenly touch mother earth, thought he was going to be swallowed up alive,
+and was only awoke from the delusion by the shouts of the foot people,
+telling him to get clear of his horse before he began to roll.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Hercules would fain have joined the truant set, and, at the first
+commotion, up went his great back, and down went his ears, with a single
+lash out behind that meant mischief, but Mr. Sponge was on the alert, and
+just gave him such a dig with his spurs as restored order, without exposing
+anything that anybody could take notice of.
+
+The sudden storm was quickly lulled. The spilt ones scrambled up; the loose
+riders got tighter hold of their horses; the screaming fair ones sank
+languidly in their carriages; and the late troubled ocean of equestrians
+fell into irregular line _en route_ for the cover.
+
+Bump, bump, bump; trot, trot, trot; jolt, jolt, jolt; shake, shake, shake;
+and carriages and cavalry got to Ribston Wood somehow or other. It is a
+long cover on a hill-side, from which parties, placing themselves in the
+green valley below, can see hounds 'draw,' that is to say, run through with
+their noses to the ground, if there are any men foolish enough to believe
+that ladies care for seeing such things. However, there they were.
+
+'Eu leu, in!' cries old Tom, with a wave of his arm, finding he can no
+longer restrain the ardour of the pack as they approach, and thinking to
+save his credit, by appearing to direct. 'Eu leu, in!' repeats he, with a
+heartier cheer, as the pack charge the rotten fence with a crash that
+echoes through the wood. The whips scuttle off to their respective points,
+gentlemen feel their horses' girths, hats are thrust firmly on the head,
+and the sherry and brandy flasks begin to be drained.
+
+'Tally ho!' cries a countryman at the top of the wood, hoisting his hat on
+a stick. At the magic sound, fear comes over some, joy over others, intense
+anxiety over all. What commotion! What indecision! What confusion! 'Which
+way?--Which way?' is the cry.
+
+'Twang, twang, twang,' goes old Tom's horn at the top of the wood, whither
+he seems to have flown, so quick has he got there.
+
+A dark-coated gentleman on a good family horse solves the important
+question--'Which way?'--by diving at once into the wood, crashing along
+till he comes to a cross-road that leads to the top, when the scene opening
+to 'open fresh fields and pastures new,' discloses divers other sections
+struggling up in long drawn files, following other leaders, all puffing,
+and wheezing and holding on by the manes, many feeling as if they had had
+enough already--'Quick!' is the word, for the tail-hounds are flying the
+fence out of the first field over the body of the pack, which are running
+almost mute at best pace beyond, looking a good deal smaller than is
+agreeable to the eyes of a sportsman.
+
+'F--o--o--r--rard!' screams old Tom, flying the fence after them, followed
+by jealous jostling riders in scarlet and colours, some anxious, some easy,
+some wanting to be at it, some wanting to look as if they did, some wishing
+to know if there was anything on the far side.
+
+Now Tom tops another fence, rising like a rocket and dropping like a bird;
+still 'F--o--o--r--rard!' is the cry--away they go at racing pace.
+
+The field draws out like a telescope, leaving the largest portion at the
+end, and many--the fair and fat ones in particular--seeing the hopelessness
+of the case, pull up their horses, while yet on an eminence that commands a
+view. Fifteen or twenty horsemen enter for the race, and dash forward,
+though the hounds rather gain on old Tom, and the further they go the
+smaller the point of the telescope becomes. The pace is awful; many would
+give in but for the ladies. At the end of a mile or so, the determined ones
+show to the front, and the spirters and 'make-believes' gladly avail
+themselves of their pioneering powers.
+
+Mr. Sponge, who got well through the wood, has been going at his ease, the
+great striding brown throwing the large fields behind him with ease, and
+taking his leaps safely and well. He now shows to the front, and old Tom,
+who is still 'F--o--o--r--rarding' to his hounds, either rather falls back
+to the field or the field draws upon him. At all events they get together
+somehow. A belt of Scotch fir plantation, with a stiffish fence on each
+side, tries their mettle and the stoutness of their hats: crash they get
+through it, the noise they make among the thorns and rotten branches
+resembling the outburst of a fire. Several gentlemen here decline under
+cover of the trees.
+
+'F--o--o--r--rard!' screams old Tom, as he dives through the stiff fence
+and lands in the field outside the plantation. He might have saved his
+breath, for the hounds were beating him as it was. Mr. Sponge bores through
+the same place, little aided, however, by anything old Tom has done to
+clear the way for him, and the rest follow in his wake.
+
+The field is now reduced to six, and two of the number, Mr. Spareneck and
+Caingey Thornton, become marked in their attention to our hero. Thornton is
+riding Mr. Waffles' crack steeple-chaser 'Dare-Devil,' and Mr. Spareneck is
+on a first-rate hunter belonging to the same gentleman, but they have not
+been able to get our friend Sponge into grief. On the contrary, his horse,
+though lathered goes as strong as ever, and Mr. Sponge, seeing their
+design, is as careful of him as possible, so as not to lose ground. His
+fine, strong, steady seat, and quiet handling, contrasts well with
+Thornton's rolling bucketing style, who has already begun to ply a heavy
+cutting whip, in aid of his spurs at his fences, accompanied with a half
+frantic 'g--u--r--r--r along!' and inquires of the horse if he thinks he
+stole him?
+
+The three soon get in front; fast as they go, the hounds go faster, and
+fence after fence is thrown behind them, just as a girl throws her
+skipping-rope.
+
+Tom and the whips follow, grinning with their tongues in their cheeks, Tom
+still screeching 'F--o--o--o--rard!--F--o--o--o--rard!' at intervals.
+
+A big stone wall, built with mortar, and coped with heavy blocks of stone,
+is taken by the three abreast, for which they are rewarded by a gallop up
+Stretchfurrow pasture, from the summit of which they see the hounds
+streaming away to a fine grass country below, with pollard willows dotted
+here and there in the bottom.
+
+'Water!' says our friend Sponge to himself, wondering whether Hercules
+would face it. A desperate black bullfinch, so thick that they could hardly
+see through it, is shirked by consent, for a gate which a countryman opens,
+and another fence or two being passed, the splashing of some hounds in the
+water, and the shaking of others on the opposite bank, show that, as
+usual, the willows are pretty true prophets.
+
+Caingey, grinning his coarse red face nearly double, and getting his horse
+well by the head, rams in the spurs, and flourishes his cutting whip high
+in air, with a 'g--u--u--ur along! do you think I'--the 'stole you' being
+lost under water just as Sponge clears the brook a little lower down.
+Spareneck then pulls up.
+
+When Nimrod had Dick Christian under water in the Whissendine in his
+Leicestershire run, and someone more humane than the rest of the field
+observed, as they rode on,
+
+'But he'll be drowned.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' exclaimed another.
+
+'But the pace,' Nimrod added, 'was too good to inquire.'
+
+Such, however, was not the case with our watering-place cock, Mr. Sponge.
+Independently of the absurdity of a man risking his neck for the sake of
+picking up a bunch of red herrings, Mr. Sponge, having beat everybody,
+could afford a little humanity, more especially as he rode his horse on
+sale, and there was now no one left to witness the further prowess of the
+steed. Accordingly, he availed himself of a heavy, newly-ploughed fallow,
+upon which he landed as he cleared the brook, for pulling up, and returned
+just as Mr. Spareneck, assisted by one of the whips, succeeded in landing
+Caingey on the taking-off side. Caingey was not a pretty boy at the best of
+times--none but the most partial parents could think him one--and his
+clumsy-featured, short, compressed face, and thick, lumpy figure, were
+anything but improved by a sort of pea-green net-work of water-weeds with
+which he arose from his bath. He was uncommonly well soaked, and had to be
+held up by the heels to let the water run out of his boots, pockets, and
+clothes. In this undignified position he was found by Mr. Waffles and such
+of the field as had ridden the line.
+
+'Why, Caingey, old boy! you look like a boiled porpoise with parsley
+sauce!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, pulling up where the unfortunate youth was
+spluttering and getting emptied like a jug. 'Confound it!' added he, as
+the water came gurgling out of his mouth, 'but you must have drunk the
+brook dry.'
+
+Caingey would have censured his inhumanity, but knowing the imprudence of
+quarrelling with his bread and butter, and also aware of the laughable,
+drowned-rat figure he must then be cutting, he thought it best to laugh,
+and take his change out of Mr. Waffles another time. Accordingly, he
+chuckled and laughed too, though his jaws nearly refused their office, and
+kindly transferred the blame of the accident from the horse to himself.
+
+[Illustration: MR. CAINGEY THORNTON DOESN'T 'PUT ON STEAM ENOUGH']
+
+'He didn't put on steam enough,' he said.
+
+Meanwhile, old Tom, who had gone on with the hounds, having availed himself
+of a well-known bridge, a little above where Thornton went in, for getting
+over the brook, and having allowed a sufficient time to elapse for the
+proper completion of the farce, was now seen rounding the opposite hill,
+with his hounds clustered about his horse, with his mind conning over one
+of those imaginary runs that experienced huntsmen know so well how to
+tell, when there is no one to contradict them.
+
+Having quartered his ground to get at his old friend the bridge again, he
+just trotted up with well-assumed gaiety as Caingey Thornton spluttered the
+last piece of green weed out from between his great thick lips.
+
+'Well, Tom!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, 'what have you done with him?'
+
+'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with a slight touch of his cap, as though
+'killing' was a matter of every-day occurrence with them.
+
+'Have you, indeed!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, adopting the lie with avidity.
+
+'Yes, sir,' said Tom gravely; 'he was nearly beat afore he got to the
+brook. Indeed, I thought Vanquisher would have had him in it; but, however,
+he got through, and the scent failed on the fallow, which gave him a
+chance; but I held them on to the hedgerow beyond, where they hit it off
+like wildfire, and they never stopped again till they tumbled him over at
+the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick. I've got his brush,'
+added Tom, producing a much tattered one from his pocket, 'if you'd like to
+have it?'
+
+'Thank you, no--yes--no,' replied Waffles, not wanting to be bothered with
+it; 'yet stay,' continued he, as his eye caught Mr. Sponge, who was still
+on foot beside his vanquished friend; 'give it to Mr. What-de-ye-call-'em,'
+added he, nodding towards our hero.
+
+'Sponge,' observed Tom, in an undertone, giving the brush to his master.
+
+'Mr. Sponge, will you do me the favour to accept the brush?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, advancing with it towards him; adding, 'I am sorry this unlucky
+bather should have prevented your seeing the end.'
+
+Mr. Sponge was a pretty good judge of brushes, and not a bad one of
+camphire; but if this one had smelt twice as strong as it did--indeed, if
+it had dropped to pieces in his hand, or the moths had flown up in his
+face, he would have pocketed it, seeing it paved the way to what he
+wanted--an introduction.
+
+'I'm very much obliged, I'm sure,' observed he, advancing to take
+it--'very much obliged, indeed; been an extremely good run, and fast.'
+
+'Very fair--very fair,' observed Mr. Waffles, as though it were nothing in
+their way; 'seven miles in twenty minutes, I suppose, or something of that
+sort.'
+
+'_One_-and-twenty,' interposed Tom, with a laudable anxiety for accuracy.
+
+'Ah! one-and-twenty,' rejoined Mr. Waffles. 'I thought it would be
+somewhere thereabouts. Well, I suppose we've all had enough,' added he,
+'may as well go home and have some luncheon, and then a game at billiards,
+or rackets, or something. How's the old water-rat?' added he, turning to
+Thornton, who was now busy emptying his cap and mopping the velvet.
+
+The water-rat was as well as could be expected, but did not quite like the
+new aspect of affairs. He saw that Mr. Sponge was a first-rate horseman,
+and also knew that nothing ingratiated one man with another so much as
+skill and boldness in the field. It was by that means, indeed, that he had
+established himself in Mr. Waffles' good graces--an ingratiation that had
+been pretty serviceable to him, both in the way of meat, drink, mounting,
+and money. Had Mr. Sponge been, like himself, a needy, penniless
+adventurer, Caingey would have tried to have kept him out by some of those
+plausible, admonitory hints, that poverty makes men so obnoxious to; but in
+the case of a rich, flourishing individual, with such an astonishing stud
+as Leather made him out to have, it was clearly Caingey's policy to knock
+under and be subservient to Mr. Sponge also. Caingey, we should observe,
+was a bold, reckless rider, never seeming to care for his neck, but he was
+no match for Mr. Sponge, who had both skill and courage.
+
+Caingey being at length cleansed from his weeds, wiped from his mud, and
+made as comfortable as possible under the circumstances, was now hoisted on
+to the renowned steeple-chase horse again, who had scrambled out of the
+brook on the taking-off side, and, after meandering the banks for a certain
+distance, had been caught by the bridle in the branch of a willow--Caingey,
+we say, being again mounted, Mr. Sponge also, without hindrance from the
+resolute brown horse, the first whip put himself a little in advance, while
+old Tom followed with the hounds, and the second whip mingled with the now
+increasing field, it being generally understood (by the uninitiated, at
+least) that hounds have no business to go home so long as any gentleman is
+inclined for a scurrey, no matter whether he has joined early or late. Mr.
+Waffles, on the contrary, was very easily satisfied, and never took the
+shine off a run with a kill by risking a subsequent defeat. Old Tom, though
+keen when others were keen, was not indifferent to his comforts, and soon
+came into the way of thinking that it was just as well to get home to his
+mutton-chops at two or three o'clock, as to be groping his way about
+bottomless bye-roads on dark winter nights.
+
+As he retraced his steps homeward, and overtook the scattered field of the
+morning, his talent for invention, or rather stretching, was again called
+into requisition.
+
+'What have you done with him, Tom?' asked Major Bouncer, eagerly bringing
+his sturdy collar-marked cob alongside of our huntsman.
+
+'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with the slightest possible touch of the
+cap. (Bouncer was no tip.)
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Bouncer, gaily, with that sort of sham satisfaction
+that most people express about things that can't concern them in the least.
+'Indeed! I'm deuced glad of that! Where did you kill him?'
+
+'At the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick,' replied Tom;
+adding, 'but, my word, he led us a dance afore we got there--up to
+Ditchington, down to Somerby, round by Temple Bell Wood, cross Goosegreen
+Common, then away for Stubbington Brooms, skirtin' Sanderwick Plantations,
+but scarce goin' into 'em, then by the round hill at Camerton leavin' great
+Heatherton to the right, and so straight on to Shapwick, where we killed,
+with every hound up--'
+
+'God bless me!' exclaimed Bouncer, apparently lost in admiration, though he
+scarcely knew the country; 'God bless me!' repeated he, 'what a run! The
+finest run that ever was seen.'
+
+'Nine miles in twenty-five minutes,' replied Tom, tacking on a little both
+for time and distance.
+
+'_B-o-y_ JOVE!' exclaimed the major.
+
+Having shaken hands with, and congratulated Mr. Waffles most eagerly and
+earnestly, the major hurried off to tell as much as he could remember to
+the first person he met, just as the cheese-bearer at a christening looks
+out for some one to give the cheese to. The cheese-getter on this occasion
+was Doctor Lotion, who was going to visit old Jackey Thompson, of
+Woolleyburn. Jackey being then in a somewhat precarious state of health,
+and tolerably advanced in life, without any very self-evident heir, was
+obnoxious to the attentions of three distinct litters of cousins, some one
+or other of whom was constantly 'baying him.' Lotion, though a sapient man,
+and somewhat grinding in his practice, did not profess to grind old people
+young again, and feeling he could do very little for the body corporate,
+directed his attention to amusing Jackey's mind, and anything in the shape
+of gossip was extremely acceptable to the doctor to retail to his patient.
+Moreover, Jackey had been a bit of a sportsman, and was always extremely
+happy to see the hounds--_on anybody's land but his own_.
+
+So Lotion got primed with the story, and having gone through the usual
+routine of asking his patient how he was, how he had slept, looking at his
+tongue, and reporting on the weather, when the old posing question, 'What's
+the news?' was put, Lotion replied, as he too often had to reply, for he
+was a very slow hand at picking up information.
+
+'Nothin' particklar, I think, sir,' adding, in an off-hand sort of way,
+'you've heard of the greet run, I s'pose, sir?'
+
+'Great run!' exclaimed the octogenarian, as if it was a matter of the most
+vital importance to him; 'great run, sir; no, sir, not a word!'
+
+The doctor then retailed it.
+
+Old Jackey got possessed of this one idea--he thought of nothing else.
+Whoever came, he out with it, chapter and verse, with occasional
+variations. He told it to all the 'cousins in waiting'; Jackey Thompson,
+of Carrington Ford; Jackey Thompson, of Houndesley; Jackey Thompson, of the
+Mill; and all the Bobs, Bills, Sams, Harrys, and Peters, composing the
+respective litters;--forgetting where he got it from, he nearly told it
+back to Lotion himself. We sometimes see old people affected this way--far
+more enthusiastic on a subject than young ones. Few dread the aspect of
+affairs so much as those who have little chance of seeing how they go.
+
+But to the run. The cousins reproduced the story according to their
+respective powers of exaggeration. One tacked on two miles, another ten,
+and so it went on and on, till it reached the ears of the great Mr.
+Seedeyman, the mighty WE of the country, as he sat in his den penning his
+'stunners' for his market-day _Mercury_. It had then distanced the great
+sea-serpent itself in length, having extended over thirty-three miles of
+country, which Mr. Seedeyman reported to have been run in one hour and
+forty minutes.
+
+Pretty good going, we should say.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+THE FEELER
+
+
+Bag fox-hunts, be they ever so good, are but unsatisfactory things; drag
+runs are, beyond all measure, unsatisfactory. After the best-managed bag
+fox-hunt, there is always a sort of suppressed joy, a deadly liveliness in
+the field. Those in the secret are afraid of praising it too much, lest the
+secret should ooze out, and strangers suppose that all their great runs are
+with bag foxes, while the mere retaking of an animal that one has had in
+hand before is not calculated to arouse any very pleasurable emotions.
+Nobody ever goes frantic at seeing an old donkey of a deer handed back into
+his carriage after a canter.
+
+Our friends on this occasion soon exhausted what they had to say on the
+subject.
+
+'That's a nice horse of yours,' observed Mr. Waffles to Mr. Sponge, as the
+latter, on the strength of the musty brush, now rode alongside the master
+of the hounds.
+
+'I think he is,' replied Sponge, rubbing some of the now dried sweat from
+his shoulder and neck; 'I think he is; I like him a good deal better to-day
+than I did the first time I rode him.'
+
+'What, he's a new one, is he?' asked Mr. Waffles, taking a scented cigar
+from his mouth, and giving a steady sidelong stare at the horse.
+
+'Bought him in Leicestershire,' replied Sponge. 'He belonged to Lord
+Bullfrog, who didn't think him exactly up to his weight.'
+
+'Up to his weight!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton, who had now ridden up
+on the other side of his great patron, 'why, he must be another Daniel
+Lambert.'
+
+'Rather so,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'rides nineteen stun.'
+
+'What a monster!' exclaimed Thornton, who was of the pocket order.
+
+'I thought he didn't go fast enough at his fences the first time I rode
+him,' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing the curb slightly so as to show the
+horse's fine arched neck to advantage; 'but he went quick enough to-day, in
+all conscience,' added he.
+
+'He did _that_,' observed Mr. Thornton, now bent on a toadying match. 'I
+never saw a finer lepper.'
+
+'He flew many feet beyond the brook,' observed Mr. Spareneck, who, thinking
+discretion was the better part of valour, had pulled up on seeing his
+comrade Thornton blobbing about in the middle of it, and therefore was
+qualified to speak to the fact.
+
+So they went on talking about the horse, and his points, and his speed, and
+his action, very likely as much for want of something to say, or to keep
+off the subject of the run, as from any real admiration of the animal.
+
+The true way to make a man take a fancy to a horse is to make believe that
+you don't want to sell him--at all events, that you are easy about selling.
+Mr. Sponge had played this game so very often, that it came quite natural
+to him. He knew exactly how far to go, and having expressed his previous
+objection to the horse, he now most handsomely made the _amende honorable_
+by patting him on the neck, and declaring that he really thought he should
+keep him.
+
+It is said that every man has his weak or 'do-able' point, if the sharp
+ones can but discover it. This observation does not refer, we believe, to
+men with an innocent _penchant_ for play, or the turf, or for buying
+pictures, or for collecting china, or for driving coaches and four, all of
+which tastes proclaim themselves sooner or later, but means that the most
+knowing, the most cautious, and the most careful, are all to be come over,
+somehow or another.
+
+There are few things more surprising in this remarkable world than the
+magnificent way people talk about money, or the meannesses they will resort
+to in order to get a little. We hear fellows flashing and talking in
+hundreds and thousands, who will do almost anything for a five-pound note.
+We have known men pretending to hunt countries at their own expense, and
+yet actually 'living out of the hounds.' Next to the accomplishment of
+that--apparently almost impossible feat--comes the dexterity required for
+living by horse-dealing.
+
+A little lower down in the scale comes the income derived from the
+profession of a 'go-between'--the gentleman who can buy the horse cheaper
+than you can. This was Caingey Thornton's trade. He was always lurking
+about people's stables talking to grooms and worming out secrets--whose
+horse had a cough, whose was a wind-sucker, whose was lame after hunting,
+and so on--and had a price current of every horse in the place--knew what
+had been given, what the owners asked, and had a pretty good guess what
+they would take.
+
+Waffles would have been an invaluable customer to Thornton if the former's
+groom, Mr. Figg, had not been rather too hard with his 'reg'lars.' He
+insisted on Caingey dividing whatever he got out of his master with him.
+This reduced profits considerably; but still, as it was a profession that
+did not require any capital to set up with, Thornton could afford to be
+liberal, having only to tack on to one end to cut off at the other.
+
+After the opening Sponge gave as they rode home with the hounds, Thornton
+had no difficulty in sounding him on the subject.
+
+'You'll not think me impertinent, I hope,' observed Caingey, in his most
+deferential style, to our hero when they met at the News'-room the next
+day--'you'll not think me impertinent, I hope; but I think you said as we
+rode home, yesterday, that you didn't altogether like the brown horse you
+were on?'
+
+'_Did I?_' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise; 'I think you must
+have misunderstood me.'
+
+'Why, no; it wasn't exactly that,' rejoined Mr. Thornton, 'but you said you
+liked him better than you did, I think?'
+
+'Ah! I believe I did say something of the sort,' replied Sponge
+casually--'I believe I did say something of the sort; but he carried me so
+well that I thought better of him. The fact was,' continued Mr. Sponge,
+confidentially, 'I thought him rather too light mouthed; I like a horse
+that bears more on the hand.'
+
+'Indeed!' observed Mr. Thornton; 'most people think a light mouth a
+recommendation.'
+
+'I know they do,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'I know they do; but I like a horse
+that requires a little riding. Now this is too much of a made horse--too
+much of what I call an old man's horse, for me. Bullfrog, whom I bought him
+of, is very fat--eats a great deal of venison and turtle--all sorts of good
+things, in fact--and can't stand much tewing in the saddle; now, I rather
+like to feel that I am on a horse, and not in an arm-chair.'
+
+'He's a fine horse,' observed Mr. Thornton.
+
+'So he ought,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I gave a hatful of money for him--two
+hundred and fifty golden sovereigns, and not a guinea back. Bullfrog's the
+biggest screw I ever dealt with.'
+
+That latter observation was highly encouraging to Thornton. It showed that
+Mr. Sponge was not one of your tight-laced dons, who take offence at the
+mere mention of 'drawbacks,' but, on the contrary, favoured the supposition
+that he would do the 'genteel,' should he happen to be a seller.
+
+'Well, if you should feel disposed to part with him, perhaps you will have
+the kindness to let me know,' observed Mr. Thornton; adding, 'he's not for
+myself, of course, but I think I know a man he would suit, and who would be
+inclined to give a good price for him.'
+
+'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I will,' repeated he, adding, 'if I _were_
+to sell him, I wouldn't take a farthing under three 'underd for him--three
+'underd _guineas_, mind, _not punds_.'
+
+'That's a vast sum of money,' observed Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Not a bit on't,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'He's worth it all, and a great deal
+more. Indeed, I haven't said, mind that, I'll take that for him; all I've
+said is, that I wouldn't take less.'
+
+'Just so,' replied Mr. Thornton.
+
+'He's a horse of high character,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'Indeed he has no
+business out of Leicestershire; and I don't know what set my fool of a
+groom to bring him here.'
+
+'Well, I'll see if I can coax my friend into giving what you say,' observed
+Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Nay, never mind coaxing,' replied Mr. Sponge, with the utmost
+indifference; 'never mind coaxing; if he's not anxious, my name's "easy."
+Only mind ye, if I ride him again, and he carries me as he did yesterday, I
+shall clap on another fifty. A horse of that figure can't be dear at any
+price,' added he. 'Put him in a steeple-chase, and you'd get your money
+back in ten minutes, and a bagful to boot.'
+
+'True,' observed Mr. Thornton, treasuring that fact up as an additional
+inducement to use to his friend.
+
+So the amiable gentlemen parted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE DEAL, AND THE DISASTER
+
+
+If people are inclined to deal, bargains can very soon be struck at idle
+watering-places, where anything in the shape of occupation is a godsend,
+and bargainers know where to find each other in a minute. Everybody knows
+where everybody is.
+
+'Have you seen Jack Sprat?'
+
+'Oh yes; he's just gone into Muddle's Bazaar with Miss Flouncey, looking
+uncommon sweet.' Or--
+
+'Can you tell me where I shall find Mr. Slowman?'
+
+Answer.--'You'll find him at his lodgings, No. 15, Belvidere Terrace, till
+a quarter before seven. He's gone home to dress, to dine with Major and
+Mrs. Holdsworthy, at Grunton Villa, for I heard him order Jenkins's fly at
+that time.'
+
+Caingey Thornton knew exactly when he would find Mr. Waffles at Miss
+Lollypop's, the confectioner, eating ices and making love to that very
+interesting much-courted young lady. True to his time, there was Waffles,
+eating and eyeing the cherry-coloured ribbons, floating in graceful curls
+along with her raven-coloured ringlets, down Miss Lollypop's nice fresh
+plump cheeks.
+
+After expatiating on the great merits of the horse, and the certainty of
+getting all the money back by steeple-chasing him in the spring, and
+stating his conviction that Mr. Sponge would not take any part of the
+purchase-money in pictures or jewellery, or anything of that sort, Mr.
+Waffles gave his consent to deal, on the terms the following conversation
+shows.
+
+'My friend will give you your price, if you wouldn't mind taking his cheque
+and keeping it for a few months till he's into funds,' observed Mr.
+Thornton, who now sought Mr. Sponge out at the billiard-room.
+
+'Why,' observed Mr. Sponge, thoughtfully, 'you know horses are always ready
+money.'
+
+'True,' replied Thornton; 'at least that's the theory of the thing; only
+my friend is rather peculiarly situated at present.'
+
+'I suppose Mr. Waffles is your man?' observed Mr. Sponge, rightly judging
+that there couldn't be two such flats in the place.
+
+'Just so,' said Mr. Thornton.
+
+[Illustration: MR. WAFFLES AT MISS LOLLYPOP'S]
+
+'I'd rather take his "stiff" than his cheque,' observed Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause. 'I could get a bit of stiff _done_, but a cheque, you
+see--especially a post-dated one--is always objected to.'
+
+'Well, I dare say that will make no difference,' observed Mr. Thornton,
+'"stiff," if you prefer it--say three months; or perhaps you'll give us
+four?'
+
+'Three's long enough, in all conscience,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a shake
+of the head, adding, 'Bullfrog made me pay down on the nail.'
+
+'Well, so be it, then,' assented Mr. Thornton; 'you draw at three months,
+and Mr. Waffles will accept, payable at Coutts's.'
+
+After so much liberality, Mr. Caingey expected that Mr. Sponge would have
+hinted at something handsome for him; but all Sponge said was, 'So be it,'
+too, as he walked away to buy a bill-stamp.
+
+Mr. Waffles was more considerate, and promised him the first mount on his
+new purchase, though Caingey would rather have had a ten, or even a
+five-pound note.
+
+Towards the hour of ten on that eventful day, numerous gaitered, trousered,
+and jacketed grooms began to ride up and down the High Street, most of them
+with their stirrups crossed negligently on the pommels of the saddles, to
+indicate that their masters were going to ride the horses, and not them.
+The street grew lively, not so much with people going to hunt, as with
+people coming to see those who were. Tattered Hibernians, with rags on
+their backs and jokes on their lips; young English _chevaliers
+d'industrie_, with their hands ready to dive into anybody's pockets but
+their own; stablemen out of place, servants loitering on their errands,
+striplings helping them, ladies'-maids with novels or three-corner'd notes,
+and a good crop of beggars.
+
+'What, Spareneck, do you ride the grey to-day? I thought you'd done
+Gooseman out of a mount,' observed Ensign Downley, as a line of
+scarlet-coated youths hung over the balcony of the Imperial Hotel, after
+breakfast and before mounting for the day.
+
+Spareneck.--'No, that's for Tuesday. He wouldn't stand one to-day. What do
+you ride?'
+
+Downley.--'Oh, I've a hack, one of Screwman's, Perpetual Motion they call
+him, because he never gets any rest. That's him, I believe, with the
+lofty-actioned hind-legs,' added he, pointing to a weedy string-halty bay
+passing below, high in bone and low in flesh.
+
+'Who's o' the gaudy chestnut?' asked Caingey Thornton, who now appeared,
+wiping his fat lips after his second glass of _eau de vie_.
+
+'That's Mr. Sponge's,' replied Spareneck in a low tone, knowing how soon a
+man catches his own name.
+
+'A deuced fine horse he is, too,' observed Caingey, in a louder key;
+adding, 'Sponge has the finest lot of horses of any man in England--in the
+world, I may say.'
+
+Mr. Sponge himself now rose from the breakfast table, and was speedily
+followed by Mr. Waffles and the rest of the party, some bearing
+sofa-pillows and cushions to place on the balustrades, to loll at their
+ease, in imitation of the Coventry Club swells in Piccadilly. Then our
+friends smoked their cigars, reviewed the cavalry, and criticised the
+ladies who passed below in the flys on their way to the meet.
+
+'Come, old Bolter!' exclaimed one, 'here's Miss Bussington coming to look
+after you--got her mamma with her, too--so you may as well knock under at
+once, for she's determined to have you.'
+
+'A devil of a woman the old un is, too,' observed Ensign Downley; 'she
+nearly frightened Jack Simpers of ours into fits, by asking what he meant
+after dancing three dances with her daughter one night.'
+
+'My word, but Miss Jumpheavy must expect to do some execution to-day with
+that fine floating feather and her crimson satin dress and ermine,'
+observed Mr. Waffles, as that estimable lady drove past in her Victoria
+phaeton. 'She looks like the Queen of Sheba herself. But come, I suppose,'
+he added, taking a most diminutive Geneva watch out of his
+waistcoat-pocket, 'we should be going. See! there's your nag kicking up a
+shindy,' he said to Caingey Thornton, as the redoubtable brown was led down
+the street by a jean-jacketed groom, kicking and lashing out at everything
+he came near.
+
+'I'll kick him,' observed Thornton, retiring from the balcony to the
+brandy-bottle, and helping himself to a pretty good-sized glass. He then
+extricated his large cutting whip from the confusion of whips with which
+it was mixed, and clonk, clonk, clonked downstairs to the door.
+
+'Multum in Parvo' stopped the doorway, across whose shoulder Leather passed
+the following hints, in a low tone of voice, to Mr. Sponge, as the latter
+stood drawing on his dogskin gloves, the observed, as he flattered himself,
+of all observers.
+
+'Mind now,' said Leather, 'this oss as a will of his own; though he seems
+so quiet like, he's not always to be depended on; so be on the look-out for
+squalls.'
+
+Sponge, having had a glass of brandy, just mounted with the air of a man
+thoroughly at home with his horse, and drawing the rein, with a slight feel
+of the spur, passed on from the door to make way for the redoubtable
+Hercules. Hercules was evidently not in a good humour. His ears were laid
+back, and the rolling white eye showed mischief. Sponge saw all this, and
+turned to see whether Thornton's clumsy, wash-ball seat, would be able to
+control the fractious spirit of the horse.
+
+'Whoay!' roared Thornton, as his first dive at the stirrup missed, and was
+answered by a hearty kick out from the horse, the 'whoay' being given in a
+very different tone to the gentle, coaxing style of Mr. Buckram and his
+men. Had it not been for the brandy within and the lookers-on without,
+there is no saying but Caingey would have declined the horse's further
+acquaintance. As it was, he quickly repeated his attempt at the stirrup
+with the same sort of domineering 'whoay,' adding, as he landed in the
+saddle and snatched at the reins, 'Do you think I stole you?'
+
+Whatever the horse's opinion might be on that point, he didn't seem to care
+to express it, for finding kicking alone wouldn't do, he immediately
+commenced rearing too, and by a desperate plunge, broke away from the
+groom, before Thornton had either got him by the head or his feet in the
+stirrups. Three most desperate bounds he gave, rising at the bit as though
+he would come back over if the hold was not relaxed, and the fourth effort
+bringing him to the opposite kerb-stone, he up again with such a bound and
+impetus that he crashed right through Messrs. Frippery and Flummery's fine
+plate-glass window, to the terror and astonishment of their elegant young
+counter-skippers, who were busy arranging their ribbons and finery for the
+day. Right through the window Hercules went, switching through book muslins
+and barèges as he would through a bullfinch, and attempting to make his
+exit by a large plate-glass mirror against the wall of the cloak-room
+beyond, which he dashed all to pieces with his head. Worse remains to be
+told. 'Multum in Parvo,' seeing his old comrade's hind-quarters
+disappearing through the window, just took the bit between his teeth, and
+followed, in spite of Mr. Sponge's every effort to turn him; and when at
+length he got him hauled round, the horse was found to have decorated
+himself with a sky-blue _visite_ trimmed with Honiton lace, which he wore
+like a charger on his way to the Crusades, or a steed bearing a knight to
+the Eglinton tournament.
+
+Quick as it happened, and soon as it was over, all Laverick Wells seemed to
+have congregated in the street as our heroes rode out of the folding
+glass-doors.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+AN OLD FRIEND
+
+
+About a fortnight after the above catastrophe, and as the recollection of
+it was nearly effaced by Miss Jumpheavy's abduction of Ensign Downley, our
+friend, Mr. Waffles, on visiting his stud at the four o'clock
+stable-hour, found a most respectable, middle-aged, rosy-gilled,
+better-sort-of-farmer-looking man, straddling his tight drab-trousered
+legs, with a twisted ash plant propping his chin, behind the redoubtable
+Hercules. He had a bran-new hat on, a velvet-collared blue coat with metal
+buttons, that anywhere but in the searching glare and contrast of London
+might have passed for a spic-and-span new one; a small, striped,
+step-collared toilanette vest; and the aforesaid drab trousers, in the
+right-hand pocket of which his disengaged hand kept fishing up and slipping
+down an avalanche of silver, which made a pleasant musical accompaniment to
+his monetary conversation. On seeing Mr. Waffles, the stranger touched his
+hat, and appeared to be about to retire, when Mr. Figg, the stud-groom,
+thus addressed his master:
+
+'This be Mr. Buckram, sir, of London, sir; says he knows our brown 'orse,
+sir.'
+
+'Ah, indeed,' observed Mr. Waffles, taking a cigar from his mouth; 'knows
+no good of him, I should think. What part of London do you live in, Mr.
+Buckram?' asked he.
+
+'Why, I doesn't exactly live in London, my lord--that's to say, sir--a
+little way out of it, you know--have a little hindependence of my own, you
+understand.'
+
+'Hang it, how should I understand anything of the sort--never set eyes on
+you before,' replied Mr. Waffles.
+
+The half-crowns now began to descend singly in the pocket, keeping up a
+protracted jingle, like the notes of a lazy, undecided musical snuff-box.
+By the time the last had dropped, Mr. Buckram had collected himself
+sufficiently to resume.
+
+Taking the ash-plant away from his mouth, with which he had been
+barricading his lips, he observed--
+
+'I know'd that oss when Lord Bullfrog had him,' nodding his head at our old
+friend as he spoke.
+
+'The deuce you did!' observed Mr. Waffles;' where was that?'
+
+'In Leicestersheer,' replied Mr. Buckram. 'I have a haunt as lives at Mount
+Sorrel; she has a little hindependence of her own, and I goes down
+'casionally to see her--in fact, I believes I'm her _hare_. Well, I was
+down there just at the beginnin' of the season, the 'ounds met at Kirby
+Gate--a mile or two to the south, you know, on the Leicester road--it was
+the fust day of the season, in fact--and there was a great crowd, and I was
+one; and havin' a heye for an oss, I was struck with this one, you
+understand, bein' as I thought, a 'ticklar nice 'un. Lord Bullfrog's man
+was a ridin' of him, and he kept him outside the crowd, showin' off his
+pints, and passin' him backwards and forwards under people's noses, to
+'tract the notish of the nobs--parsecutin, what I call--and I see'd Mr.
+Sponge struck--I've known Mr. Sponge many years, and a 'ticklar nice gent
+he is--well, Mr. Sponge pulled hup, and said to the grum, "Who's o' that
+oss?" "My Lor' Bullfrog's, sir," said the man. "He's a deuced nice 'un,"
+observed Mr. Sponge, thinkin', as he was a lord's, he might praise 'im,
+seein', in all probability, he weren't for sale. "He is _that_," said the
+grum, patting him on the neck, as though he were special fond on him. "Is
+my lord out?" asked Mr. Sponge. "No, sir; he's not come down yet," replied
+the man, "nor do I know when he will come. He's been down at Bath for some
+time 'sociatin' with the aldermen o' Bristol and has thrown up a vast o'
+bad flesh--two stun' sin' last season--and he's afeared this oss won't be
+able to carry 'im, and so he writ to me to take 'im out to-day, to show
+'im." "He'd carry _me_, I think," said Mr. Sponge, making hup his mind on
+the moment, jist as he makes hup his mind to ride at a fence--not that I
+think it's a good plan for a gent to show that he's sweet on an oss, for
+they're sure to make him pay for it. Howsomever, that's nouther here nor
+there. Well, jist as Mr. Sponge said this, Sir Richard driv' hup, and
+havin' got his oss, away we trotted to the goss jist below, and the next
+thing I see'd was Mr. Sponge leadin' the 'ole field on this werry nag.
+Well, I heard no more till I got to Melton, for I didn't go to my haunt's
+at Mount Sorrel that night, and I saw little of the run, for my oss was
+rather puffy, livin' principally on chaff, bran mashes, swedes, and soft
+food; and when I got to Melton, I heard 'ow Mr. Sponge had bought this
+oss,' Mr. Buckram nodding his head at the horse as he spoke, 'and 'ow that
+he'd given the matter o' two 'under'd--or I'm not sure it weren't two
+'under'd-and-fifty guineas for 'im, and--'
+
+'Well,' interrupted Mr. Waffles, tired of his verbosity, 'and what did they
+say about the horse?'
+
+'Why,' continued Mr. Buckram, thoughtfully, propping his chin up with his
+stick, and drawing all the half-crowns up to the top of his pocket again,
+'the fust 'spicious thing I heard was Sir Digby Snaffle's grum, Sam, sayin'
+to Captain Screwley's bat-man grum, jist afore the George Inn door,--
+
+'"Well, Jack, Tommy's sold the brown oss!"
+
+'"N--O--O--R!" exclaimed Jack, starin' 'is eyes
+out, as if it were unpossible.
+
+'"He '_as_ though," said Sam.
+
+'"Well, then, I 'ope the gemman's fond o' walkin'," exclaimed Jack, bustin'
+out a laughin' and runnin' on.
+
+'This rayther set me a thinkin',' continued Mr. Buckram, dropping a second
+half-crown, which jinked against the nest-egg one left at the bottom, 'and
+fearin' that Mr. Sponge had fallen 'mong the Philistines--which I was werry
+concerned about, for he's a real nice gent, but thoughtless, as many young
+gents are who 'ave plenty of tin--I made it my business to inquire 'bout
+this oss; and if he _is_ the oss that I saw in Leicestersheer, and I 'ave
+little doubt about it (dropping two consecutive half-crowns as he spoke),
+though I've not seen him out, I--'
+
+'Ah! well, I bought him of Mr. Sponge, who said he got him from Lord
+Bullfrog,' interrupted Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Ah! then he _is_ the oss, in course,' said Mr. Buckram, with a sort of
+mournful chuck of the chin; 'he _is_ the oss,' repeated he; 'well, then,
+he's a dangerous hanimal,' added he, letting slip three half-crowns.
+
+'What does he do?' asked Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Do!' repeated Mr. Buckram, 'DO! he'll do for anybody.'
+
+'Indeed,' responded Mr. Waffles; adding, 'how could Mr. Sponge sell me such
+a brute?'
+
+'I doesn't mean to say, mind ye,' observed Mr. Buckram, drawing back three
+half-crowns, as though he had gone that much too far,--'I doesn't mean to
+say, mind, that he's wot you call a misteched, runaway,
+rear-backwards-over-hanimal--but I mean to say he's a difficultish oss to
+ride--himpetuous--and one that, if he got the hupper 'and, would be werry
+likely to try and keep the hupper 'and--you understand me?' said he, eyeing
+Mr. Waffles intently, and dropping four half-crowns as he spoke.
+
+'I'm tellin' you nothin' but the truth,' observed Mr. Buckram, after a
+pause, adding, 'in course it's nothin' to me, only bein' down here on a
+visit to a friend, and 'earin' that the oss were 'ere, I made bold to look
+in to see whether it was 'im or no. No offence, I 'opes,' added he, letting
+go the rest of the silver, and taking the prop from under his chin, with an
+obeisance as if he was about to be off.
+
+'Oh, no offence at all,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, 'no offence--rather the
+contrary. Indeed, I'm much obliged to you for telling me what you have
+done. Just stop half a minute,' added he, thinking he might as well try and
+get something more out of him. While Mr. Waffles was considering his next
+question, Mr. Buckram saved him the trouble of thinking by 'leading the
+gallop' himself.
+
+'I believe 'im to be a _good_ oss, and I believe 'im to be a _bad_ oss,'
+observed Mr. Buckram, sententiously. 'I believe that oss, with a bold rider
+on his back, and well away with the 'ounds, would beat most osses goin',
+but it's the start that's the difficulty with him; for if, on the other
+'and, he don't incline to go, all the spurrin', and quiltin', and
+leatherin' in the world won't make 'im. It'll be a mercy o' Providence if
+he don't cut out work for the crowner some day.'
+
+'Hang the brute!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, in disgust; 'I've a good mind to
+have his throat cut.'
+
+'Nay,' replied Mr. Buckram, brightening up, and stirring the silver round
+and round in his pocket like a whirlpool, 'nay,' replied he, 'he's fit for
+summat better nor that.'
+
+'Not much, I think,' replied Mr. Waffles, pouting with disgust. He now
+stood silent for a few seconds.
+
+'Well, but what did they mean by hoping Mr. Sponge was fond of walking?' at
+length asked he.
+
+'Oh, vy,' replied Mr. Buckram, gathering all the money up again, 'I believe
+it was this 'ere,' beginning to drop them to half-minute time, and talking
+very slowly; 'the oss, I believe, got the better of Lord Bullfrog one day,
+somewhere a little on this side of Thrussinton--that, you know, is where
+Sir 'Arry built his kennels--between Mount Sorrel and Melton in fact--and
+havin' got his Lordship off, who, I should tell you, is an uncommon fat
+'un, he wouldn't let him on again, and he 'ad to lead him the matter of I
+don't know 'ow many miles'; Mr. Buckram letting go the whole balance of
+silver in a rush, as if to denote that it was no joke.
+
+'The brute!' observed Mr. Waffles, in disgust, adding, 'Well, as you seem
+to have a pretty good opinion of him, suppose you buy him; I'll let you
+have him cheap.'
+
+''Ord bless you--my lord--that's to say, sir!' exclaimed Buckram, shrugging
+up his shoulders, and raising his eyebrows as high as they would go, 'he'd
+be of no use to me, none votsomever--shouldn't know what to do with
+him--never do for 'arness--besides, I 'ave a werry good machiner as it
+is--at least, he sarves my turn, and that's everything, you know. No, sir,
+no,' continued he, slowly and thoughtfully, dropping the silver to
+half-minute time; 'no, sir, no; if I might make free with a gen'leman o'
+your helegance,' continued he, after a pause,' I'd say, sell 'im to a
+post-master or a buss-master, or some sich cattle as those, but I doesn't
+think I'd put 'im into the 'ands of no gen'leman, that's to say if I were
+_you_, at least,' added he.
+
+'Well, then, will you speculate on him yourself for the buss-masters?'
+asked Mr. Waffles, tired alike of the colloquy and the quadruped.
+
+[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF LORD BULLFROG, FORMERLY OWNER OF 'HERCULES']
+
+'Oh, vy, as to that,' replied Mr. Buckram, with an air of the most perfect
+indifference, 'vy, as to that--not bein' nouther a post-master nor a
+buss-master--but 'aving, as I said before, a little hindependence o' my
+own, vy, I couldn't in course give such a bountiful price as if I could
+turn 'im to account at once; but if it would be any 'commodation to you,'
+added he, working the silver up into full cry, 'I wouldn't mind givin' you
+the with (worth) of 'im--say, deductin' expenses hup to town, and standin'
+at livery afore I finds a customer--expenses hup to town,' continued Mr.
+Buckram, muttering to himself in apparent calculation, 'standin' at
+livery--three-and-sixpence a night, grum, and so on--I wouldn't mind,'
+continued he briskly, 'givin' of you twenty pund for 'im--if you'd throw me
+back a sov.,' continued he, seeing Mr. Waffles' brow didn't contract into
+the frown he expected at having such a sum offered for his
+three-hundred-guinea horse.
+
+In the course of an hour, that wonderful invention of modern times,--the
+Electric Telegraph--conveyed the satisfactory words 'All right' to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, just as he was sitting down to dinner in a certain
+sumptuously sanded coffee-room in Conduit Street, who forthwith sealed and
+posted the following ready-written letter:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.
+
+    'SIR,
+
+'I have been greatly surprised and hurt to hear that you have thought fit
+to impeach my integrity, and insinuate that I had taken you in with the
+brown horse. Such insinuations touch one in a tender point--one's
+self-respect. The bargain, I may remind you, was of your own seeking, and I
+told you at the time I knew nothing of the horse, having only ridden him
+once, and I also told you where I got him. To show how unjust and unworthy
+your insinuations have been, I have now to inform you that, having
+ascertained that Lord Bullfrog knew he was vicious, I insisted on his
+lordship taking him back, and have only to add that, on my receiving him
+from you, I will return you your bill.'
+
+    'I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.,
+      'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'
+
+Mr. Waffles was a good deal vexed and puzzled when he got this letter. He
+had parted with the horse, who was gone no one knew where, and Mr. Waffles
+felt that he had used a certain freedom of speech in speaking of the
+transaction. Mr. Sponge having left Laverick Wells, had, perhaps, led him a
+little astray with his tongue--slandering an absent man being generally
+thought a pretty safe game; it now seemed Mr. Waffles was all wrong, and
+might have had his money back if he had not been in such a hurry to part
+with the horse. Like a good many people, he thought he had best eat up his
+words, which he did in the following manner:
+
+    'IMPERIAL HOTEL, LAVERICK WELLS.
+
+    'DEAR MR. SPONGE,
+
+'You are quite mistaken in supposing that I ever insinuated anything
+against _you_ with regard to the horse. I said _he_ was a beast, and it
+seems Lord Bullfrog admits it. However, never mind anything more about him,
+though I am equally obliged to you for the trouble you have taken. The fact
+is, I have parted with him.
+
+'We are having capital sport; never go out but we kill, sometimes a brace,
+sometimes a leash of foxes. Hoping you are recovered from the effects of
+your ride through the window, and will soon rejoin us, believe me, dear Mr.
+Sponge,'
+
+    'Yours very sincerely,
+
+    'W. WAFFLES.'
+
+To which Mr. Sponge shortly after rejoined as follows:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.
+
+    'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'Yours to hand--I am glad to receive a disclaimer of any unworthy
+imputations respecting the brown horse. Such insinuations are only for
+horse-dealers, not for men of high gentlemanly feeling.
+
+'I am sorry to say we have not got out of the horse as I hoped. Lord
+Bullfrog, who is a most cantankerous fellow, insists upon having him back,
+according to the terms of my letter; I must therefore trouble you to hunt
+him up, and let us accommodate his lordship with him again. If you will say
+where he is, I may very likely know some one who can assist us in getting
+him. You will excuse this trouble, I hope, considering that it was to serve
+you that I moved in the matter, and insisted on returning him to his
+lordship, at a loss of £50 to myself, having only given £250 for him.'
+
+    'I remain, dear Waffles,
+
+    'Yours sincerely,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.'
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.,
+      'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'
+
+    'LAVERICK WELLS.
+
+    'DEAR SPONGE,
+
+'I'm afraid Bullfrog will have to make himself happy without his horse, for
+I hav'n't the slightest idea where he is. I sold him to a cockneyfied,
+countryfied sort of a man, who said he had a small "hindependence of his
+own"--somewhere, I believe, about London. He didn't give much for him, as
+you may suppose, when I tell you he paid for him chiefly in silver. If I
+were you, I wouldn't trouble myself about him.'
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'W. WAFFLES.
+
+    'To H. SPONGE, Esq.'
+
+Our hero addressed Mr. Waffles again, in the course of a few days, as
+follows:
+
+'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'I am sorry to say Bullfrog won't be put off without the horse. He says I
+insisted on his taking him back, and now he insists on having him. I have
+had his lawyer, Mr. Chousam, of the great firm of Chousam, Doem, and Co.,
+of Throgmorton Street, at me, who says his lordship will play old
+gooseberry with us if we don't return him by Saturday. Pray put on all
+steam, and look him up.'
+
+    'Yours in haste,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'
+
+Mr. Waffles did put on all steam, and so successfully that he ran the
+horse to ground at our friend Mr. Buckram's. Though the horse was in the
+box adjoining the house, Mr. Buckram declared he had sold him to go to
+'Hireland'; to what county he really couldn't say, nor to what hunt; all he
+knew was, the gentleman said he was a 'captin,' and lived in a castle.
+
+Mr. Waffles communicated the intelligence to Sponge, requesting him to do
+the best he could for him, who reported what his 'best' was in the
+following letter:
+
+
+'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'My lawyer has seen Chousam, and deuced stiff he says he was. It seems
+Bullfrog is indignant at being accused of a "do"; and having got me in the
+wrong box, by not being able to return the horse as claimed, he meant to
+work me. At first Chousam would hear of nothing but "l--a--w." Bullfrog's
+wounded honour could only be salved that way. Gradually, however, we
+diverged from l--a--w to £--s.--d.; and the upshot of it is, that he will
+advise his lordship to take £250 and be done with it. It's a bore; but I
+did it for the best, and shall be glad now to know your wishes on the
+subject. Meanwhile, I remain,
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'
+
+Formerly a remittance by post used to speak for itself. The tender-fingered
+clerks could detect an enclosure, however skilfully folded. Few people
+grudged double postage in those days. Now one letter is so much like
+another, that nothing short of opening them makes one any wiser. Mr. Sponge
+received Mr. Waffles' answer from the hands of the waiter with the sort of
+feeling that it was only the continuation of their correspondence. Judge,
+then, of his delight, when a nice, clean, crisp promissory note, on a
+five-shilling stamp, fell quivering to the floor. A few lines, expressive
+of Mr. Waffles' gratitude for the trouble our hero had taken, and hopes
+that it would not be inconvenient to take a note at two months,
+accompanied it. At first Mr. Sponge was overjoyed. It would set him up for
+the season. He thought how he'd spend it. He had half a mind to go to
+Melton. There were no heiresses there, or else he would. Leamington would
+do, only it was rather expensive. Then he thought he might as well have
+done Waffles a little more.
+
+'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I don't do myself justice! I'm too much
+of a gentleman! I should have had five 'under'd--such an ass as Waffles
+deserves to be done!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+A NEW SCHEME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Our friend Soapey was now in good feather; he had got a large price for his
+good-for-nothing horse, with a very handsome bonus for not getting him
+back, making him better off than he had been for some time. Gentlemen of
+his calibre are generally extremely affluent in everything except cash.
+They have bills without end--bills that nobody will touch, and book debts
+in abundance--book debts entered with metallic pencils in curious little
+clasped pocket-books, with such utter disregard of method that it would
+puzzle an accountant to comb them into anything like shape.
+
+It is true, what Mr. Sponge got from Mr. Waffles were bills--but they were
+good bills, and of such reasonable date as the most exacting of the Jew
+tribe would 'do' for twenty per cent. Mr. Sponge determined to keep the
+game alive, and getting Hercules and Multum in Parvo together again, he
+added a showy piebald hack, that Buckram had just got from some circus
+people who had not been able to train him to their work.
+
+The question now was, where to manoeuvre this imposing stud--a problem
+that Mr. Sponge quickly solved.
+
+Among the many strangers who rushed into indiscriminate friendship with our
+hero at Laverick Wells, was Mr. Jawleyford, of Jawleyford Court, in
+----shire. Jawleyford was a great humbug. He was a fine, off-hand,
+open-hearted, cheery sort of fellow, who was always delighted to see you,
+would start at the view, and stand with open arms in the middle of the
+street, as though quite overjoyed at the meeting. Though he never gave
+dinners, nor anything where he was, he asked everybody, at least everybody
+who did give them, to visit him at Jawleyford Court. If a man was fond of
+fishing, he must come to Jawleyford Court, he must, indeed; he would take
+no refusal, he wouldn't leave him alone till he promised. He would show him
+such fishing--no waters in the world to compare with his. The Shannon and
+the Tweed were not to be spoken of in the same day as his waters in the
+Swiftley.
+
+Shooting, the same way. 'By Jove! are you a shooter? Well, I'm delighted to
+hear it. Well, now, we shall be at home all September, and up to the middle
+of October, and you must just come to us at your own time, and I will give
+you some of the finest partridge and pheasant shooting you ever saw in your
+life; Norfolk can show nothing to what I can. Now, my good fellow, say the
+word; _do_ say you'll come, and then it will be a settled thing, and I
+shall look forward to it with such pleasure!'
+
+He was equally magnanimous about hunting, though, like a good many people
+who have 'had their hunts,' he pretended that his day was over, though he
+was a most zealous promoter of the sport. So he asked everybody who did
+hunt to come and see him; and what with his hearty, affable manner, and the
+unlimited nature of his invitations, he generally passed for a deuced
+hospitable, good sort of fellow, and came in for no end of dinners and
+other entertainments for his wife and daughters, of which he had
+two--daughters, we mean, not wives. His time was about up at Laverick Wells
+when Mr. Sponge arrived there; nevertheless, during the few days that
+remained to them, Mr. Jawleyford contrived to scrape a pretty intimate
+acquaintance with a gentleman whose wealth was reported to equal, if it did
+not exceed, that of Mr. Waffles himself. The following was the closing
+scene between them:
+
+[Illustration: Jawleyford of Jawleyford Court]
+
+'Mr. Sponge,' said he, getting our hero by both hands in Culeyford's
+Billiard Room, and shaking them as though he could not bear the idea of
+separation; 'my dear Mr. Sponge,' added he, 'I grieve to say we're going
+to-morrow; I had hoped to have stayed a little longer, and to have enjoyed
+the pleasure of your most agreeable society.' (This was true; he would have
+stayed, only his banker wouldn't let him have any more money.) 'But,
+however, I won't say adieu,' continued he; 'no, I _won't_ say adieu! I
+live, as you perhaps know, in one of the best hunting countries in
+England--my Lord Scamperdale's--Scamperdale and I are like brothers; I can
+do whatever I like with him--he has, I may say, the finest pack of hounds
+in the world; his huntsman, Jack Frostyface, I really believe, cannot be
+surpassed. Come, then, my dear fellow,' continued Mr. Jawleyford,
+increasing the grasp and shake of the hands, and looking most earnestly in
+Sponge's face, as if deprecating a refusal; 'come, then, my dear fellow,
+and see us; we will do whatever we can to entertain and make you
+comfortable. Scamperdale shall keep our side of the country till you come;
+there are capital stables at Lucksford, close to the station, and you shall
+have a stall for your hack at Jawleyford, and a man to look after him, if
+you like; so now, don't say nay--your time shall be ours--we shall be at
+home all the rest of the winter, and I flatter myself, if you once come
+down, you will be inclined to repeat your visit; at least, I hope so.'
+
+There are two common sayings; one, 'that birds of a feather flock
+together'; the other, 'that two of a trade never agree'; which often seem
+to us to contradict each other in the actual intercourse of life. Humbugs
+certainly have the knack of drawing together, and yet they are always
+excellent friends, and will vouch for the goodness of each other in a way
+that few straight-forward men think it worth their while to adopt with
+regard to indifferent people. Indeed, humbugs are not always content to
+defend their absent brother humbugs when they hear them abused, but they
+will frequently lug each other in neck and crop, apparently for no other
+purpose than that of proclaiming what excellent fellows they are, and see
+if anybody will take up the cudgels against them.
+
+Mr. Sponge, albeit with a considerable cross of the humbug himself, and one
+who perfectly understood the usual worthlessness of general invitations,
+was yet so taken with Mr. Jawleyford's hail-fellow-well-met, earnest sort
+of manner, that, adopting the convenient and familiar solution in such
+matters, that there is no rule without an exception, concluded that Mr.
+Jawleyford was the exception, and really meant what he said.
+
+Independently of the attractions offered by hunting, which were both strong
+and cogent, we have said there were two young ladies, to whom fame attached
+the enormous fortunes common in cases where there is a large property and
+no sons. Still Sponge was a wary bird, and his experience of the
+worthlessness of most general invitations made him think it just possible
+that it might not suit Mr. Jawleyford to receive him now, at the particular
+time he wanted to go; so after duly considering the case, and also the
+impressive nature of the invitation, so recently given, too, he determined
+not to give Jawleyford the chance of refusing him, but just to say he was
+coming, and drop down upon him before he could say 'no.' Accordingly, he
+penned the following epistle:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND-STREET, LONDON.
+
+    'DEAR JAWLEYFORD,
+
+'I purpose being with you to-morrow, by the express train, which I see, by
+Bradshaw, arrives at Lucksford a quarter to three. I shall only bring two
+hunters and a hack, so perhaps you could oblige me by taking them in for
+the short time I shall stay, as it would not be convenient for me to
+separate them. Hoping to find Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies well, I
+remain, dear sir,'
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To--JAWLEYFORD, Esq., Jawleyford Court, Lucksford.'
+
+'Curse the fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, nearly choking himself with a
+fish bone, as he opened and read the foregoing at breakfast. 'Curse the
+fellow!' he repeated, stamping the letter under foot, as though he would
+crush it to atoms. 'Who ever saw such a piece of impudence as that!'
+
+'What's the matter, my dear?' inquired Mrs. Jawleyford, alarmed lest it was
+her dunning jeweller writing again.
+
+'Matter!' shrieked Jawleyford, in a tone that sounded through the thick
+wall of the room, and caused the hobbling old gardener on the terrace to
+peep in at the heavy-mullioned window. 'Matter!' repeated he, as though he
+had got his _coup de grâce_; 'look there,' added he, handing over the
+letter.
+
+'Oh, my dear,' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford soothingly, as soon as she saw it
+was not what she expected. 'Oh, my dear, I'm sure there's nothing to make
+you put yourself so much out of the way.' 'No!' roared Jawleyford,
+determined not to be done out of his grievance. 'No!' repeated he; 'do you
+call that nothing?'
+
+'Why, nothing to make yourself unhappy about,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford,
+rather pleased than otherwise; for she was glad it was not from Rings, the
+jeweller, and, moreover, hated the monotony of Jawleyford Court, and was
+glad of anything to relieve it. If she had had her own way, she would have
+gadded about at watering-places all the year round.
+
+'Well,' said Jawleyford, with a toss of the head and a shrug of
+resignation, 'you'll have me in gaol; I see that.'
+
+'Nay, my dear J.,' rejoined his wife, soothingly; 'I'm sure you've plenty
+of money.'
+
+'Have I!' ejaculated Jawleyford. 'Do you suppose, if I had, I'd have left
+Laverick Wells without paying Miss Bustlebey, or given a bill at three
+months for the house-rent?'
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you've nothing to do but tell Mr. Screwemtight to get
+you some money from the tenants.'
+
+'Money from the tenants!' replied Mr. Jawleyford. 'Screwemtight tells me he
+can't get another farthing from any man on the estate.'
+
+'Oh, pooh!' said Mrs. Jawleyford; 'you're far too good to them. I always
+say Screwemtight looks far more to their interest than he does to yours.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jawleyford, we may observe, was one of the rather numerous race of
+paper-booted, pen-and-ink landowners. He always dressed in the country as
+he would in St. James's Street, and his communications with his tenantry
+were chiefly confined to dining with them twice a year in the great
+entrance-hall, after Mr. Screwemtight had eased them of their cash in the
+steward's room. Then Mr. Jawleyford would shine forth the very
+impersonification of what a landlord ought to be. Dressed in the height of
+the fashion, as if by his clothes to give the lie to his words, he would
+expatiate on the delights of such meetings of equality; declare that, next
+to those spent with his family, the only really happy moments of his life
+were those when he was surrounded by his tenantry; he doated on the manly
+character of the English farmer. Then he would advert to the great
+antiquity of the Jawleyford family, many generations of whom looked down
+upon them from the walls of the old hall; some on their war-steeds, some
+armed _cap-à-pie_, some in court-dresses, some in Spanish ones, one in a
+white dress with gold brocade breeches and a hat with an enormous plume,
+old Jawleyford (father of the present one) in the Windsor uniform, and our
+friend himself, the very prototype of what then stood before them. Indeed,
+he had been painted in the act of addressing his hereditary chawbacons in
+the hall in which the picture was suspended. There he stood, with his
+bright auburn hair (now rather badger-pied, perhaps, but still very
+passable by candlelight)--his bright auburn hair, we say, swept boldly off
+his lofty forehead, his hazy grey eyes flashing with the excitement of
+drink and animation, his left hand reposing on the hip of his well-fitting
+black pantaloons, while the right one, radiant with rings, and trimmed with
+upturned wristband, sawed the air, as he rounded off the periods of the
+well-accustomed saws.
+
+Jawleyford, like a good many people, was very hospitable when in full
+fig--two soups, two fishes, and the necessary concomitants; but he would
+see any one far enough before he would give him a dinner merely because he
+wanted one. That sort of ostentatious banqueting has about brought country
+society in general to a deadlock. People tire of the constant revision of
+plate, linen, and china.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford, on the other hand, was a very rough-and-ready sort of
+woman, never put out of her way; and though she constantly preached the old
+doctrine that girls 'are much better single than married,' she was always
+on the look-out for opportunities of contradicting her assertions.
+
+She was an Irish lady, with a pedigree almost as long as Jawleyford's, but
+more compressible pride, and if she couldn't get a duke, she would take a
+marquis or an earl, or even put up with a rich commoner.
+
+The perusal, therefore, of Sponge's letter, operated differently upon her
+to what it did upon her husband, and though she would have liked a little
+more time, perhaps, she did not care to take him as they were. Jawleyford,
+however, resisted violently. It would be most particularly inconvenient to
+him to receive company at that time. If Mr. Sponge had gone through the
+whole three hundred and sixty-five days in the year, he could not have hit
+upon a more inconvenient one for him. Besides, he had no idea of people
+writing in that sort of a way, saying they were coming, without giving him
+the chance of saying no. 'Well, but, my dear, I dare say you asked him,'
+observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+Jawleyford was silent, the scene in the billiard-room recurring to his
+mind.
+
+'I've often told you, my dear,' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, kindly, 'that
+you shouldn't be so free with your invitations if you don't want people to
+come; things are very different now to what they were in the old coaching
+and posting days, when it took a day and a night and half the next day to
+get here, and I don't know how much money besides. You might then invite
+people with safety, but it is very different now, when they have nothing to
+do but put themselves into the express train and whisk down in a few
+hours.'
+
+'Well, but, confound him, I didn't ask his horses,' exclaimed Jawleyford;
+'nor will I have them either,' continued he, with a jerk of the head, as he
+got up and rang the bell, as though determined to put a stop to that at all
+events.
+
+'Samuel,' said he, to the dirty page of a boy who answered the summons,
+'tell John Watson to go down to the Railway Tavern directly, and desire
+them to get a three-stalled stable ready for a gentleman's horses that are
+coming to-day--a gentleman of the name of Sponge,' added he, lest any one
+else should chance to come and usurp them--'and tell John to meet the
+express train, and tell the gentleman's groom where it is.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+True to a minute, the hissing engine drew the swiftly gliding train beneath
+the elegant and costly station at Lucksford--an edifice presenting a rare
+contrast to the wretched old red-tiled, five-windowed house, called the Red
+Lion, where a brandy-faced blacksmith of a landlord used to emerge from
+the adjoining smithy, to take charge of any one who might arrive per coach
+for that part of the country. Mr. Sponge was quickly on the platform,
+seeing to the detachment of his horse-box.
+
+Just as the cavalry was about got into marching order, up rode John Watson,
+a ragamuffin-looking gamekeeper, in a green plush coat, with a very
+tarnished laced hat, mounted on a very shaggy white pony, whose hide seemed
+quite impervious to the visitations of a heavily-knotted dogwhip, with
+which he kept saluting his shoulders and sides.
+
+'Please, sir,' said he, riding up to Mr. Sponge, with a touch of the old
+hat, 'I've got you a capital three-stall stable at the Railway Tavern,
+here,' pointing to a newly built brick house standing on the rising ground.
+
+'Oh! but I'm going to Jawleyford Court,' responded our friend, thinking the
+man was the 'tout' of the tavern.
+
+'Mr. Jawleyford don't take in horses, sir,' rejoined the man, with another
+touch of the hat.
+
+'He'll take in _mine_,' observed Mr. Sponge, with an air of authority.
+
+'Oh, I beg pardon, sir,' replied the keeper, thinking he had made a
+mistake; 'it was Mr. Sponge whose horses I had to bespeak stalls for,'
+touching his hat profusely as he spoke.
+
+'Well, _this_ be Mister Sponge,' observed Leather, who had been listening
+attentively to what passed.
+
+''Deed!' said the keeper, again turning to our hero with an 'I beg pardon,
+sir, but the stable _is_ for you then, sir--for Mr. Sponge, sir.'
+
+'How do you know that?' demanded our friend.
+
+''Cause Mr. Spigot, the butler, says to me, says he, "Mr. Watson," says
+he--my name's Watson, you see,' continued the speaker, sawing away at his
+hat, 'my name's Watson, you see, and I'm the head gamekeeper. "Mr. Watson,"
+says he, "you must go down to the tavern and order a three-stall stable for
+a gentleman of the name of Sponge, whose horses are a comin' to-day"; and
+in course I've come 'cordingly,' added Watson. 'A _three_-stall'd stable!'
+observed Mr. Sponge, with an emphasis.
+
+'A three-stall'd stable,' repeated Mr. Watson.
+
+'Confound him, but he said he'd take in a hack at all events,' observed
+Sponge, with a sideway shake of the head; 'and a hack he _shall_ take in,
+too' he added. 'Are your stables full at Jawleyford Court?' he asked.
+
+''Ord bless you, no, sir,' replied Watson with a leer; 'there's nothin' in
+them but a couple of weedy hacks and a pair of old worn-out
+carriage-horses.'
+
+'Then I can get this hack taken in, at all events,' observed Sponge, laying
+his hand on the neck of the piebald as he spoke.
+
+'Why, as to that,' replied Mr. Watson, with a shake of the head, 'I can't
+say nothin'.'
+
+'I must, though,' rejoined Sponge, tartly; 'he _said_ he'd take in my hack,
+or I wouldn't have come.'
+
+'Well, sir,' observed the keeper, 'you know best, sir.'
+
+'Confounded screw!' muttered Sponge, turning away to give his orders to
+Leather. 'I'll _work_ him for it,' he added. 'He sha'n't get rid of _me_ in
+a hurry--at least, not unless I can get a better billet elsewhere.'
+
+Having arranged the parting with Leather, and got a cart to carry his
+things, Mr. Sponge mounted the piebald, and put himself under the guidance
+of Watson to be conducted to his destination. The first part of the journey
+was performed in silence, Mr. Sponge not being particularly well pleased at
+the reception his request to have his horses taken in had met with. This
+silence he might perhaps have preserved throughout had it not occurred to
+him that he might pump something out of the servant about the family he was
+going to visit.
+
+'That's not a bad-like old cob of yours,' he observed, drawing rein so as
+to let the shaggy white come alongside of him.
+
+'He belies his looks, then,' replied Watson, with a grin of his cadaverous
+face, 'for he's just as bad a beast as ever looked through a bridle. It's a
+parfect disgrace to a gentleman to put a man on such a beast.'
+
+Sponge saw the sort of man he had got to deal with, and proceeded
+accordingly.
+
+'Have you lived long with Mr. Jawleyford?' he asked.
+
+'No, nor will I, if I can help it,' replied Watson, with another grin and
+another touch of the old hat. Touching his hat was about the only piece of
+propriety he was up to.
+
+'What, he's not a brick, then?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Mean man,' replied Watson with a shake of the head; 'mean man,' he
+repeated. 'You're nowise connected with the fam'ly, I s'pose?' he asked
+with a look of suspicion lest he might be committing himself.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge; 'no; merely an acquaintance. We met at Laverick
+Wells, and he pressed me to come and see him.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Watson, feeling at ease again.
+
+'Who did you live with before you came here?' asked Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause.
+
+'I lived many years--the greater part of my life, indeed--with Sir Harry
+Swift. _He_ was a _real_ gentleman now, if you like--free, open-handed
+gentleman--none of your close-shavin', cheese-parin' sort of gentlemen, or
+imitation gentlemen, as I calls them, but a man who knew what was due to
+good servants and gave them it. We had good wages, and all the proper
+"reglars." Bless you, I could sell a new suit of clothes there every year,
+instead of having to wear the last keeper's cast-offs, and a hat that would
+disgrace anything but a flay-crow. If the linin' wasn't stuffed full of
+gun-waddin' it would be over my nose,' he observed, taking it off and
+adjusting the layer of wadding as he spoke.
+
+'You should have stuck to Sir Harry,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I did,' rejoined Watson. 'I did, I stuck to him to the last. I'd have been
+with him now, only he couldn't get a manor at Boulogne, and a keeper was of
+no use without one.'
+
+'What, he went to Boulogne, did he?' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Aye, the more's the pity,' replied Watson. 'He was a gentleman, every inch
+of him,' he added, with a shake of the head and a sigh, as if recurring to
+more prosperous times. 'He was what a gentleman ought to be,' he continued,
+'not one of your poor, pryin', inquisitive critturs, what's always fancyin'
+themselves cheated. I ordered everything in my department, and paid for it
+too; and never had a bill disputed or even commented on. I might have
+charged for a ton of powder, and never had nothin' said.'
+
+'Mr. Jawleyford's not likely to find his way to Boulogne, I suppose?'
+observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Not he!' exclaimed Watson, 'not he!--safe bird--_very_.'
+
+'He's rich, I suppose?' continued Sponge, with an air of indifference.
+
+'Why, _I_ should say he was; though others say he's not,' replied Watson,
+cropping the old pony with the dog-whip, as it nearly fell on its nose. 'He
+can't fail to be rich, with all his property; though they're desperate
+hands for gaddin' about; always off to some waterin'-place or another,
+lookin' for husbands, I suppose. I wonder,' he continued, 'that gentlemen
+can't settle at home, and amuse themselves with coursin' and shootin'.' Mr.
+Watson, like many servants, thinking that the bulk of a gentleman's income
+should be spent in promoting the particular sport over which they preside.
+
+With this and similar discourse, they beguiled the short distance between
+the station and the Court--a distance, however, that looked considerably
+greater after the flying rapidity of the rail. But for these occasional
+returns to _terra firma_, people would begin to fancy themselves birds.
+After rounding a large but gently swelling hill, over the summit of which
+the road, after the fashion of old roads, led, our traveller suddenly
+looked down upon the wide vale of Sniperdown, with Jawleyford Court
+glittering with a bright open aspect, on a fine, gradual elevation, above
+the broad, smoothly gliding river. A clear atmosphere, indicative either of
+rain or frost, disclosed a vast tract of wild, flat, ill-cultivated-looking
+country to the south, little interrupted by woods or signs of population;
+the whole losing itself, as it were, in an indistinct grey outline,
+commingling with the fleecy white clouds in the distance.
+
+'Here we be,' observed Watson, with a nod towards where a tarnished
+red-and-gold flag, floated, or rather flapped lazily in the winter's
+breeze, above an irregular mass of towers, turrets, and odd-shaped
+chimneys.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jawleyford Court was a fine old mansion, partaking more of the character of
+a castle than a Court, with its keep and towers, battlements, heavily
+grated mullioned windows, and machicolated gallery. It stood, sombre and
+grey, in the midst of gigantic but now leafless sycamores--trees that had
+to thank themselves for being sycamores; for, had they been oaks, or other
+marketable wood, they would have been made into bonnets or shawls long
+before now. The building itself was irregular, presenting different sorts
+of architecture, from pure Gothic down to some even perfectly modern
+buildings; still, viewed as a whole, it was massive and imposing; and as
+Mr. Sponge looked down upon it, he thought far more of Jawleyford and Co.
+than he did as the mere occupants of a modest, white-stuccoed,
+green-verandahed house, at Laverick Wells. Nor did his admiration diminish
+as he advanced, and, crossing by a battlemented bridge over the moat, he
+viewed the massive character of the buildings rising grandly from their
+rocky foundation. An imposing, solemn-toned old clock began striking four,
+as the horsemen rode under the Gothic portico, whose notes re-echoed and
+reverberated, and at last lost themselves among the towers and pinnacles of
+the building. Sponge, for a moment, was awe-stricken at the magnificence of
+the scene, feeling that it was what he would call 'a good many cuts above
+him'; but he soon recovered his wonted impudence.
+
+'He _would_ have me,' thought he, recalling the pressing nature of the
+Jawleyford invitation.
+
+'If you'll hold my nag,' said Watson, throwing himself off the shaggy
+white, 'I'll ring the bell,' added he, running up a wide flight of steps to
+the hall-door. A riotous peal announced the arrival.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+THE JAWLEYFORD ESTABLISHMENT
+
+
+The loud peal of the Jawleyford Court door-bell, announcing Mr. Sponge's
+arrival, with which we closed the last chapter, found the inhabitants
+variously engaged preparing for his reception.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford, with the aid of a very indifferent cook, was endeavouring
+to arrange a becoming dinner; the young ladies, with the aid of a somewhat
+better sort of maid, were attractifying themselves, each looking with
+considerable jealousy on the efforts of the other; and Mr. Jawleyford was
+trotting from room to room, eyeing the various pictures of himself,
+wondering which was now the most like, and watching the emergence of
+curtains, carpets, and sofas from their brown holland covers.
+
+A gleam of sunshine seemed to reign throughout the mansion; the
+long-covered furniture appearing to have gained freshness by its
+retirement, just as a newly done-up hat surprises the wearer by its
+goodness; a few days, however, soon restores the defects of either.
+
+All these arrangements were suddenly brought to a close by the peal of the
+door-bell, just as the little stage-tinkle of a theatre stops preparation,
+and compels the actors to stand forward as they are. Mrs. Jawleyford threw
+aside her silk apron, and took a hasty glance of her face in the old
+eagle-topped mirror in the still-room; the young ladies discarded their
+coarse dirty pocket-handkerchiefs, and gently drew elaborately fringed ones
+through their taper fingers to give them an air of use, as they took a
+hasty review of themselves in the swing mirrors; the housemaid hurried off
+with a whole armful of brown holland; and Jawleyford threw himself into
+attitude in an elaborately carved, richly cushioned, easy-chair, with a
+Disraeli's _Life of Lord George Bentinck_ in his hand. But Jawleyford's
+thoughts were far from his book. He was sitting on thorns lest there might
+not be a proper guard of honour to receive Mr. Sponge at the entrance.
+
+Jawleyford, as we said before, was not the man to entertain unless he could
+do it 'properly'; and, as we all have our pitch-notes of propriety up to
+which we play, we may state that Jawleyford's note was a butler and two
+footmen. A butler and two footmen he looked upon as perfectly indispensable
+to receiving company. He chose to have two footmen to follow the butler,
+who followed the gentleman to the spacious flight of steps leading from the
+great hall to the portico, as he mounted his horse. The world is governed a
+good deal by appearances. Mr. Jawleyford started life with two most
+unimpeachable Johns. They were nearly six feet high, heads well up, and
+legs that might have done for models for a sculptor. They powdered with the
+greatest propriety, and by two o'clock each day were silk-stockinged and
+pumped in full-dress Jawleyford livery; sky-blue coats with massive silver
+_aiguillettes_, and broad silver seams down the front and round their
+waistcoat-pocket flaps; silver garters at their crimson plush breeches'
+knees: and thus attired, they were ready to turn out with the butler to
+receive visitors, and conduct them back to their carriages. Gradually they
+came down in style, but not in number, and, when Mr. Sponge visited Mr.
+Jawleyford, he had a sort of out-of-door man-of-all-work who metamorphosed
+himself into a second footman at short notice.
+
+'My dear Mr. Sponge!--I am delighted to see you!' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford,
+rising from his easy-chair, and throwing his Disraeli's _Bentinck_ aside,
+as Mr. Spigot, the butler, in a deep, sonorous voice, announced our worthy
+friend. 'This is, indeed, most truly kind of you,' continued Jawleyford,
+advancing to meet him; and getting our friend by both hands, he began
+working his arms up and down like the under man in a saw-pit. 'This is,
+indeed, most truly kind,' he repeated; 'I assure you I shall never forget
+it. It's just what I like--it's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes--it's just
+what we _all_ like--coming without fuss or ceremony. Spigot!' he added,
+hailing old Pomposo as the latter was slowly withdrawing, thinking what a
+humbug his master was--'Spigot!' he repeated in a louder voice; 'let the
+ladies know Mr. Sponge is here. Come to the fire, my dear fellow,'
+continued Jawleyford, clutching his guest by the arm, and drawing him
+towards where an ample grate of indifferent coals was crackling and
+spluttering beneath a magnificent old oak mantelpiece of the richest and
+costliest carved work. 'Come to the fire, my dear fellow,' he repeated,
+'for you feel cold; and I don't wonder at it, for the day is cheerless and
+uncomfortable, and you've had a long ride. Will you take anything before
+dinner?'
+
+'What time do you dine?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing his hands as he spoke.
+
+'Six o'clock,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'six o'clock--say six o'clock--not
+particular to a moment--days are short, you see--days are short.'
+
+'I think I should like a glass of sherry and a biscuit, then,' observed Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+And forthwith the bell was rung, and in due course of time Mr. Spigot
+arrived with a tray, followed by the Miss Jawleyfords, who had rather
+expected Mr. Sponge to be shown into the drawing-room to them, where they
+had composed themselves very prettily; one working a parrot in chenille,
+the other with a lapful of crochet.
+
+The Miss Jawleyfords--Amelia and Emily--were lively girls; hardly
+beauties--at least, not sufficiently so to attract attention in a crowd;
+but still, girls well calculated to 'bring a man to book,' in the country.
+Mr. Thackeray, who bound up all the home truths in circulation, and many
+that exist only in the inner chambers of the heart, calling the whole
+'Vanity Fair,' says, we think (though we don't exactly know where to lay
+hand on the passage), that it is not your real striking beauties who are
+the most dangerous--at all events, that do the most execution--but sly,
+quiet sort of girls, who do not strike the beholder at first sight, but
+steal insensibly upon him as he gets acquainted. The Miss Jawleyfords were
+of this order. Seen in plain morning gowns, a man would meet them in the
+street, without either turning round or making an observation, good, bad,
+or indifferent; but in the close quarters of a country house, with all the
+able assistance of first-rate London dresses, well flounced and set out,
+each bent on doing the agreeable, they became dangerous. The Miss
+Jawleyfords were uncommonly well got up, and Juliana, their mutual maid,
+deserved great credit for the impartiality she displayed in arraying them.
+There wasn't a halfpenny's worth of choice as to which was the best. This
+was the more creditable to the maid, inasmuch as the dresses--sea-green
+glacés--were rather dashed; and the worse they looked, the likelier they
+would be to become her property. Half-dashed dresses, however, that would
+look rather seedy by contrast, come out very fresh in the country,
+especially in winter, when day begins to close in at four. And here we may
+observe, what a dreary time is that which intervenes between the arrival of
+a guest and the dinner hour, in the dead winter months in the country. The
+English are a desperate people for overweighting their conversational
+powers. They have no idea of penning up their small talk, and bringing it
+to bear in generous flow upon one particular hour; but they keep dribbling
+it out throughout the live-long day, wearying their listeners without
+benefiting themselves--just as a careless waggoner scatters his load on the
+road. Few people are insensible to the advantage of having their champagne
+brisk, which can only be done by keeping the cork in; but few ever think of
+keeping the cork of their own conversation in. See a Frenchman--how light
+and buoyant he trips into a drawing-room, fresh from the satisfactory
+scrutiny of the looking-glass, with all the news, and jokes, and
+tittle-tattle of the day, in full bloom! How sparkling and radiant he is,
+with something smart and pleasant to say to every one! How thoroughly happy
+and easy he is; and what a contrast to phlegmatic John Bull, who stands
+with his great red fists doubled, looking as if he thought whoever spoke to
+him would be wanting him to endorse a bill of exchange! But, as we said
+before, the dread hour before dinner is an awful time in the
+country--frightful when there are two hours, and never a subject in common
+for the company to work upon. Laverick Wells and their mutual acquaintance
+was all Sponge and Jawleyford's stock-in-trade; and that was a very small
+capital to begin upon, for they had been there together too short a time to
+make much of a purse of conversation. Even the young ladies, with their
+inquiries after the respective flirtations--how Miss Sawney and Captain
+Snubnose were 'getting on'? and whether the rich Widow Spankley was likely
+to bring Sir Thomas Greedey to book?--failed to make up a conversation; for
+Sponge knew little of the ins and outs of these matters, his attention
+having been more directed to Mr. Waffles than any one else. Still, the
+mere questions, put in a playful, womanly way, helped the time on, and
+prevented things coming to that frightful deadlock of silence, that causes
+an involuntary inward exclamation of 'How _am I_ to get through the time
+with this man?' There are people who seem to think that sitting and looking
+at each other constitutes society. Women have a great advantage over men in
+the talking way; they have always something to say. Let a lot of women be
+huddled together throughout the whole of a livelong day, and they will yet
+have such a balance of conversation at night, as to render it necessary to
+convert a bedroom into a clearing-house, to get rid of it. Men, however,
+soon get high and dry, especially before dinner; and a host ought to be at
+liberty to read the Riot Act, and disperse them to their bedrooms, till
+such times as they wanted to eat and drink.
+
+A most scientifically sounded gong, beginning low, like distant thunder,
+and gradually increasing its murmur till it filled the whole mansion with
+its roar, at length relieved all parties from the labour of further
+efforts; and, looking at his watch, Jawleyford asked Mrs. Jawleyford, in an
+innocent, indifferent sort of way, which was Mr. Sponge's room; though he
+had been fussing about it not long before, and dusting the portrait of
+himself in his green-and-gold yeomanry uniform, with an old
+pocket-handkerchief.
+
+'The crimson room, my dear,' replied the well-drilled Mrs. Jawleyford; and
+Spigot coming with candles, Jawleyford preceded 'Mr. Sponge' up a splendid
+richly carved oak staircase, of such gradual and easy rise that an invalid
+might almost have been drawn up it in a garden-chair.
+
+Passing a short distance along a spacious corridor, Mr. Jawleyford
+presently opened a door to the right, and led the way into a large gloomy
+room, with a little newly lighted wood fire crackling in an enormous grate,
+making darkness visible, and drawing the cold out of the walls. We need
+scarcely say it was that terrible room--the best; with three creaking,
+ill-fitting windows, and heavy crimson satin-damask furniture, so old as
+scarcely to be able to sustain its own weight. 'Ah! here you are,'
+observed Mr. Jawleyford, as he nearly tripped over Sponge's luggage as it
+stood by the fire. 'Here you are,' repeated he, giving the candle a
+flourish, to show the size of the room, and draw it back on the portrait of
+himself above the mantelpiece. 'Ah! I declare here's an old picture of
+myself,' said he, holding the candle up to the face, as if he hadn't seen
+it for some time--'a picture that was done when I was in the Bumperkin
+yeomanry,' continued he, passing the light before the facings. 'That was
+considered a good likeness at the time,' said he, looking affectionately at
+it, and feeling his nose to see if it was still the same size. 'Ours was a
+capital corps--one of the best, if not the very best in the service. The
+inspecting officer always spoke of it in the highest possible
+terms--especially of _my_ company, which really was just as perfect as
+anything my Lord Cardigan, or any of your crack disciplinarians, can
+produce. However, never mind,' continued he, lowering the candle, seeing
+Mr. Sponge didn't enter into the spirit of the thing; 'you'll be wanting to
+dress. You'll find hot water on the table yonder,' pointing to the far
+corner of the room, where the outline of a jug might just be descried;
+'there's a bell in the bed if you want anything; and dinner will be ready
+as soon as you are dressed. You needn't make yourself very fine,' added he,
+as he retired; 'for we are only ourselves: hope we shall have some of our
+neighbours to-morrow or next day, but we are rather badly off for
+neighbours just here--at least, for short-notice neighbours.' So saying, he
+disappeared through the dark doorway.
+
+The latter statement was true enough, for Jawleyford, though apparently
+such a fine open-hearted, sociable sort of man, was in reality a very
+quarrelsome, troublesome fellow. He quarrelled with all his neighbours in
+succession, generally getting through them every two or three years; and
+his acquaintance were divided into two classes--the best and the worst
+fellows under the sun. A stranger revising Jawleyford after an absence of a
+year or two, would very likely find the best fellows of former days
+transformed into the worst ones of that. Thus, Parson Hobanob, that pet
+victim of country caprice, would come in and go out of season like lamb or
+asparagus; Major Moustache and Jawleyford would be as 'thick as thieves'
+one day, and at daggers drawn the next; Squire Squaretoes, of Squaretoes
+House, and he, were continually kissing or cutting; and even distance--nine
+miles of bad road, and, of course, heavy tolls--could not keep the peace
+between lawyer Seedywig and him. What between rows and reconciliations,
+Jawleyford was always at work.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE DINNER
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Notwithstanding Jawleyford's recommendation to the contrary, Mr. Sponge
+made himself an uncommon swell. He put on a desperately stiff starcher,
+secured in front with a large gold fox-head pin with carbuncle eyes; a
+fine, fancy-fronted shirt, with a slight tendency to pink, adorned with
+mosaic-gold-tethered studs of sparkling diamonds (or French paste, as the
+case might be); a white waistcoat with fancy buttons; a blue coat with
+bright plain ones, and a velvet collar, black tights, with broad
+black-and-white Cranbourne-alley-looking stockings (socks rather), and
+patent leather pumps with gilt buckles--Sponge was proud of his leg. The
+young ladies, too, turned out rather smart; for Amelia, finding that Emily
+was going to put on her new yellow watered silk, instead of a dyed satin
+she had talked of, made Juliana produce her broad-laced blue satin dress
+out of the wardrobe in the green dressing-room, where it had been laid away
+in an old tablecloth; and bound her dark hair with a green-beaded wreath,
+which Emily met by crowning herself with a chaplet of white roses.
+
+Thus attired, with smiles assumed at the door, the young ladies entered the
+drawing-room in the full fervour of sisterly animosity. They were very much
+alike in size, shape, and face. They were tallish and full-figured. Miss
+Jawleyford's features being rather more strongly marked, and her eyes a
+shade darker than her sister's; while there was a sort of subdued air about
+her--the result, perhaps, of enlarged intercourse with the world--or maybe
+of disappointments. Emily's eyes sparkled and glittered, without knowing
+perhaps why.
+
+Dinner was presently announced. It was of the imposing order that people
+give their friends on a first visit, as though their appetites were larger
+on that day than on any other. They dined off plate; the sideboards
+glittered with the Jawleyford arms on cups, tankards, and salvers;
+'Brecknel and Turner's' flamed and swealed in profusion on the table; while
+every now and then an expiring lamp on the sideboards or brackets
+proclaimed the unwonted splendour of the scene, and added a flavour to the
+repast not contemplated by the cook. The room, which was large and lofty,
+being but rarely used, had a cold, uncomfortable feel; and, if it hadn't
+been for the looks of the thing, Jawleyford would, perhaps, as soon that
+they had dined in the little breakfast parlour. Still there was everything
+very smart; Spigot in full fig, with a shirt frill nearly tickling his
+nose, an acre of white waistcoat, and glorious calves swelling within his
+gauze-silk stockings. The improvised footman went creaking about, as such
+gentlemen generally do.
+
+The style was perhaps better than the repast: still they had turtle-soup
+(Shell and Tortoise, to be sure, but still turtle-soup); while the wines
+were supplied by the well-known firm of 'Wintle & Co.' Jawleyford sank
+where he got it, and pretended that it had been 'ages' in his cellar: 'he
+really had such a stock that he thought he should never get through it'--to
+wit, two dozen old port at 36_s._ a dozen, and one dozen at 48_s._; two
+dozen pale sherry at 36_s._, and one dozen brown ditto at 48_s._; three
+bottles of Bucellas, of the 'finest quality imported,' at 38_s._ a dozen;
+Lisbon 'rich and dry,' at 32_s._; and some marvellous creaming champagne at
+48_s._, in which they were indulging when he made the declaration: 'don't
+wait of me, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, holding up a long
+needle-case of a glass with the Jawleyford crests emblazoned about; 'don't
+wait of me, pray,' repeated he, as Spigot finished dribbling the froth into
+Sponge's glass; and Jawleyford, with a flourishing bow and waive of his
+empty needle-case, drank Mr. Sponge's very good health, adding, 'I'm
+_extremely_ happy to see you at Jawleyford Court.'
+
+It was then Jawleyford's turn to have a little froth; and having sucked it
+up with the air of a man drinking nectar, he set down his glass with a
+shake of the head, saying:
+
+'There's no such wine as that to be got now-a-days.'
+
+'Capital wine!--Excellent!' exclaimed Sponge, who was a better judge of ale
+than of champagne. 'Pray, where might you get it?'
+
+'Impossible to say!--Impossible to say!' replied Jawleyford, throwing up
+his hands with a shake, and shrugging his shoulders. 'I have such a stock
+of wine as is really quite ridiculous.'
+
+'_Quite_ ridiculous,' thought Spigot, who, by the aid of a false key, had
+been through the cellar.
+
+Except the 'Shell and Tortoise' and 'Wintle,' the estate supplied the
+repast. The carp was out of the home-pond; the tench, or whatever it was,
+was out of the mill-pond; the mutton was from the farm; the
+carrot-and-turnip-and-beet-bedaubed stewed beef was from ditto; while the
+garden supplied the vegetables that luxuriated in the massive silver
+side-dishes. Watson's gun furnished the old hare and partridges that opened
+the ball of the second course; and tarts, jellies, preserves, and custards
+made their usual appearances. Some first-growth Chateaux Margaux 'Wintle,'
+again at 66_s._, in very richly cut decanters accompanied the old 36_s._
+port; and apples, pears, nuts, figs, preserved fruits, occupied the
+splendid green-and-gold dessert set. Everything, of course, was handed
+about--an ingenious way of tormenting a person that has 'dined.' The
+ladies sat long, Mrs. Jawleyford taking three glasses of port (when she
+could get it); and it was a quarter to eight when they rose from the table.
+
+Jawleyford then moved an adjournment to the fire; which Sponge gladly
+seconded, for he had never been warm since he came into the house, the heat
+from the fires seeming to go up the chimneys. Spigot set them a little
+round table, placing the port and claret upon it, and bringing them a plate
+of biscuits in lieu of the dessert. He then reduced the illumination on the
+table, and extinguished such of the lamps as had not gone out of
+themselves. Having cast an approving glance around, and seen that they had
+what he considered right, he left them to their own devices.
+
+'Do you drink port or claret, Mr. Sponge?' asked Jawleyford, preparing to
+push whichever he preferred over to him.
+
+'I'll take a little port, _first_, if you please,' replied our friend--as
+much as to say, 'I'll finish off with claret.'
+
+'You'll find that very good, I expect,' said Mr. Jawleyford, passing the
+bottle to him; 'it's '20 wine--very rare wine to get now--was a very rich
+fruity wine, and was a long time before it came into drinking. Connoisseurs
+would give any money for it.'
+
+'It has still a good deal of body,' observed Sponge, turning off a glass
+and smacking his lips, at the same time holding the glass up to the candle
+to see the oily mark it made on the side.
+
+'Good sound wine--good sound wine,' said Mr. Jawleyford. 'Have plenty
+lighter, if you like.' The light wine was made by watering the strong.
+
+'Oh no, thank you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no, thank you. I like good
+strong military port.'
+
+'So do I,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'so do I; only unfortunately it doesn't
+like me--am obliged to drink claret. When I was in the Bumperkin yeomanry
+we drank nothing but port.' And then Jawleyford diverged into a long
+rambling dissertation on messes and cavalry tactics, which nearly sent Mr.
+Sponge asleep.
+
+'Where did you say the hounds are to-morrow?' at length asked he, after Mr.
+Jawleyford had talked himself out.
+
+'To-morrow,' repeated Mr. Jawleyford, thoughtfully, 'to-morrow--they don't
+hunt to-morrow--not one of their days--next day. Scrambleford
+Green--Scrambleford Green--no, no, I'm wrong--Dundleton Tower--Dundleton
+Tower.'
+
+'How far is that from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, ten miles--say ten miles,' replied Mr. Jawleyford. It was sometimes
+ten, and sometimes fifteen, depending upon whether Mr. Jawleyford wanted
+the party to go or not. These elastic places, however, are common in all
+countries--to sight-seers as well as to hunters. 'Close by--close by,' one
+day. 'Oh! a lo-o-ng way from here,' another.
+
+It is difficult, for parties who have nothing in common, to drive a
+conversation, especially when each keeps jibbing to get upon a private
+subject of his own. Jawleyford was all for sounding Sponge as to where he
+came from, and the situation of his property; for as yet, it must be
+remembered, he knew nothing of our friend, save what he had gleaned at
+Laverick Wells, where certainly all parties concurred in placing him high
+on the list of 'desirables,' while Sponge wanted to talk about hunting, the
+meets of the hounds, and hear what sort of a man Lord Scamperdale was. So
+they kept playing at cross-purposes, without either getting much out of the
+other. Jawleyford's intimacy with Lord Scamperdale seemed to have
+diminished with propinquity, for he now no longer talked of
+him--'Scamperdale this, and Scamperdale that--Scamperdale, with whom he
+could do anything he liked'; but he called him 'My Lord Scamperdale,' and
+spoke of him in a reverent and becoming way. Distance often lends boldness
+to the tongue, as the poet Campbell says it:
+
+          Lends enchantment to the view,
+    And robes the mountain in its azure hue.
+
+There are few great men who haven't a dozen people, at least, who 'keep
+them right,' as they call it. To hear some of the creatures talk, one
+would fancy a lord was a lunatic as a matter of course.
+
+Spigot at last put an end to their efforts by announcing that 'tea and
+coffee were ready!' just as Mr. Sponge buzzed his bottle of port. They then
+adjourned from the gloom of the large oak-wainscoted dining-room, to the
+effulgent radiance of the well-lit, highly gilt, drawing-room, where our
+fair friends had commenced talking Mr. Sponge over as soon as they retired
+from the dining-room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+THE TEA
+
+
+'And what do you think of _him_?' asked mamma.
+
+'Oh, I think he's very well,' replied Emily gaily.
+
+'I should say he was very _toor_-lerable,' drawled Miss Jawleyford, who
+reckoned herself rather a judge, and indeed had had some experience of
+gentlemen.
+
+'_Tolerable_, my dear!' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford, 'I should say he's very
+well--rather _distingué_, indeed.'
+
+'I shouldn't say _that_,' replied Miss Jawleyford; 'his height and figure
+are certainly in his favour, but he isn't quite my idea of a gentleman. He
+is evidently on good terms with himself; but I should say, if it wasn't for
+his forwardness, he'd be awkward and uneasy.'
+
+'He's a fox-hunter, you know,' observed Emily.
+
+'Well, but I don't know that that should make him different to other
+people,' rejoined her sister. 'Captain Curzon, and Mr. Lancaster, and Mr.
+Preston, were all fox-hunters; but they didn't stare, and blurt, and kick
+their legs about, as this man does.'
+
+'Oh, you are so fastidious!' rejoined her mamma; 'you must take men as you
+find them.'
+
+'I wonder where he lives?' observed Emily, who was quite ready to take our
+friend as he was.
+
+'I wonder where he _does_ live?' chimed in Mrs. Jawleyford, for the
+suddenness of the descent had given them no time for inquiry. 'Somebody
+said Manchester,' observed Miss Jawleyford drily.
+
+'So much the better,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, 'for then he is sure to
+have plenty of money.'
+
+'Law, ma! but you don't s'pose pa would ever allow such a thing,' retorted
+Miss, recollecting her papa's frequent exhortations to them to look high.
+
+'If he's a landowner,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford 'we'll soon find him out in
+_Burke_. Emily, my dear,' added she, 'just go into your pa's room, and
+bring me the _Commoners_--you'll find it on the large table between the
+_Peerage_ and the _Wellington Despatches_.'
+
+Emily tripped away to do as she was bid. The fair messenger presently
+returned, bearing both volumes, richly bound and lettered, with the
+Jawleyford crests studded down the backs, and an immense coat of arms on
+the side.
+
+A careful search among the S's produced nothing in the shape of Sponge.
+
+'Not likely, I should think,' observed Miss Jawleyford, with a toss of her
+head, as her mamma announced the fact.
+
+'Well, never mind,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, seeing that only one of the
+girls could have him, and that one was quite ready; 'never mind, I dare say
+I shall be able to find out something from himself,' and so they dropped
+the subject.
+
+In due time in swaggered our hero, himself, kicking his legs about as men
+in tights or tops generally do.
+
+'May I give you tea or coffee?' asked Emily, in the sweetest tone possible,
+as she raised her finely turned gloveless arm towards where the glittering
+appendages stood on the large silver tray.
+
+'Neither, thank you,' said Sponge, throwing himself into an easy-chair
+beside Mrs. Jawleyford. He then crossed his legs, and cocking up a toe for
+admiration, began to yawn.
+
+'You feel tired after your journey?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'No, I'm not,' said Sponge, yawning again--a good yawn this time.
+
+Miss Jawleyford looked significantly at her sister--a long pause ensued.
+'I knew a family of your name,' at length observed Mrs. Jawleyford, in the
+simple sort of way women begin pumping men. 'I knew a family of your name,'
+repeated she, seeing Sponge was half asleep--'the Sponges of Toadey Hall.
+Pray are they any relation of yours?'
+
+'Oh--ah--yes,' blurted Sponge: 'I suppose they are. The fact
+is--the--haw--Sponges--haw--are a rather large family--haw. Meet them
+almost everywhere.'
+
+'You don't live in the same county, perhaps?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'No, we don't,' replied he, with a yawn.
+
+'Is yours a good hunting country?' asked Jawleyford, thinking to sound him
+in another way.
+
+'No; a devilish bad 'un,' replied Sponge, adding with a grunt, 'or I
+wouldn't be here.'
+
+'Who hunts it?' asked Mr. Jawleyford.
+
+'Why, as to that--haw,'--replied Sponge, stretching out his arms and legs
+to their fullest extent, and yawning most vigorously--'why, as to that, I
+can hardly say which you would call my country, for I have to do with so
+many; but I should say, of all the countries I am--haw--connected
+with--haw--Tom Scratch's is the worst.'
+
+Mr. Jawleyford looked at Mrs. Jawleyford as a counsel who thinks he has
+made a grand hit looks at a jury before he sits down, and said no more.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford looked as innocent as most jurymen do after one of these
+forensic exploits.--Mr. Sponge beginning his nasal recreations, Mrs.
+Jawleyford motioned the ladies off to bed--Mr. Sponge and his host
+presently followed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+THE EVENING'S REFLECTIONS
+
+
+'Well, I think he'll do,' said our friend to himself, as having reached his
+bedroom, in accordance with modern fashion, he applied a cedar match to the
+now somewhat better burnt-up fire, for the purpose of lighting a cigar--a
+cigar! in the state-bedroom of Jawleyford Court. Having divested himself
+of his smart blue coat and white waistcoat, and arrayed himself in a grey
+dressing-gown, he adjusted the loose cushions of a recumbent chair, and
+soused himself into its luxurious depths for a 'think over.'
+
+'He has money,' mused Sponge, between the copious whiffs of the cigar,
+'splendid style he lives in, to be sure' (puff), continued he, after
+another long draw, as he adjusted the ash at the end of the cigar. 'Two men
+in livery' (puff), 'one out, can't be done for nothing' (puff). 'What a
+profusion of plate, too!' (whiff)--'declare I never' (puff) 'saw such'
+(whiff, puff) 'magnificence in the whole course of my' (whiff, puff)
+'life.'
+
+The cigar being then well under way, he sucked and puffed and whiffed in an
+apparently vacant stupor, his legs crossed, and his eyes fixed on a
+projecting coal between the lower bars, as if intent on watching the
+alternations of flame and gas; though in reality he was running all the
+circumstances through his mind, comparing them with his past experience,
+and speculating on the probable result of the present adventure.
+
+He had seen a good deal of service in the matrimonial wars, and was
+entitled to as many bars as the most distinguished peninsular veteran. No
+woman with money, or the reputation of it, ever wanted an offer while he
+was in the way, for he would accommodate her at the second or third
+interview: and always pressed for an immediate fulfilment, lest the 'cursed
+lawyers' should interfere and interrupt their felicity. Somehow or other,
+the 'cursed lawyers' always had interfered; and as sure as they walked in,
+Mr. Sponge walked out. He couldn't bear the idea of their coarse,
+inquisitive inquiries. He was too much of a gentleman!
+
+    Love, light as air, at sight of human ties
+    Spreads his light wings and in a moment flies.
+
+So Mr. Sponge fled, consoling himself with the reflection that there was no
+harm done, and hoping for 'better luck next time.'
+
+He roved from flower to flower like a butterfly, touching here, alighting
+there, but always passing away with apparent indifference. He knew if he
+couldn't square matters at short notice, he would have no better chance
+with an extension of time; so, if he saw things taking the direction of
+inquiry he would just laugh the offer off, pretend he was only feeling his
+way--saw he was not acceptable--sorry for it--and away he would go to
+somebody else. He looked upon a woman much in the light of a horse; if she
+didn't suit one man, she would another, and there was no harm in trying. So
+he puffed and smoked, and smoked and puffed--gliding gradually into wealth
+and prosperity.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE AS HE APPEARED IN THE BEST BEDROOM]
+
+A second cigar assisted his comprehension considerably--just as a second
+bottle of wine not only helps men through their difficulties, but shows
+them the way to unbounded wealth. Many of the bright railway schemes of
+former days, we make no doubt, were concocted under the inspiring influence
+of the bottle. Sponge now saw everything as he wished. All the errors of
+his former days were apparent to him. He saw how indiscreet it was
+confiding in Miss Trickery's cousin, the major; why the rich widow at
+Chesterfield had _chasséed_ him; and how he was done out of the beautiful
+Miss Rainbow, with her beautiful estate, with its lake, its heronry, and
+its perpetual advowson. Other mishaps he also considered.
+
+Having disposed of the past, he then turned his attention to the future.
+Here were two beautiful girls apparently full of money, between whom there
+wasn't the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice. Most exemplary parents, too,
+who didn't seem to care a farthing about money.
+
+He then began speculating on what the girls would have. 'Great house--great
+establishment--great estate, doubtless. Why, confound it,' continued he,
+casting his heavy eye lazily around, 'here's a room as big as a field in a
+cramped country! Can't have less than fifty thousand a-piece, I should say,
+at the least. Jawleyford, to be sure, is young,' thought he; 'may live a
+long time' (puff). 'If Mrs. J. were to die (Curse--the cigar's burnt my
+lips'), added he, throwing the remnant into the fire, and rolling out of
+the chair to prepare for turning into bed.
+
+If any one had told Sponge that there was a rich papa and mamma on the
+look-out merely for amiable young men to bestow their fair daughters upon,
+he would have laughed them to scorn, and said, 'Why, you fool, they are
+only laughing at you'; or 'Don't you see they are playing you off against
+somebody else?' But our hero, like other men, was blind where he himself
+was concerned, and concluded that he was the exception to the general rule.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jawleyford had their consultation too.
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Jawleyford, seating himself on the high wire fender
+immediately below a marble bust of himself on the mantelpiece; 'I think
+he'll do.'
+
+'Oh, no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who never saw any difficulty in
+the way of a match; 'I should say he is a very nice young man,' continued
+she.
+
+'Rather brusque in his manner, perhaps,' observed Jawleyford, who was quite
+the 'lady' himself. 'I wonder what he was?' added he, fingering away at his
+whiskers.
+
+'He's rich, I've no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'What makes you think so?' asked her loving spouse.
+
+'I don't know,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford; 'somehow I feel certain he is--but
+I can't tell why--all fox-hunters are.'
+
+'I don't know that,' replied Jawleyford, who knew some very poor ones. 'I
+should like to know what he has,' continued Jawleyford musingly, looking up
+at the deeply corniced ceiling as if he were calculating the chances among
+the filagree ornaments of the centre.
+
+'A hundred thousand, perhaps,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, who only knew two
+sums--fifty and a hundred thousand.
+
+'That's a vast of money,' replied Jawleyford, with a slight shake of the
+head.
+
+'Fifty at least, then,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, coming down half-way at
+once.
+
+'Well, if he has that, he'll do,' rejoined Jawleyford, who also had come
+down considerably in his expectations since the vision of his railway days,
+at whose bright light he had burnt his fingers.
+
+'He was said to have an immense fortune--I forget how much--at Laverick
+Wells,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Well, we'll see,' said Jawleyford, adding, 'I suppose either of the girls
+will be glad enough to take him?'
+
+'Trust them for that,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, with a knowing smile and
+nod of the head: 'trust them for that,' repeated she. 'Though Amelia does
+turn up her nose and pretend to be fine, rely upon it she only wants to be
+sure that he's worth having.'
+
+'Emily seems ready enough, at all events,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'She'll never get the chance,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford. 'Amelia is a very
+prudent girl, and won't commit herself, but she knows how to manage the
+men.'
+
+'Well, then,' said Jawleyford, with a hearty yawn, 'I suppose we may as
+well go to bed.'
+
+So saying, he took his candle and retired.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+THE WET DAY
+
+
+When the dirty slip-shod housemaid came in the morning with her
+blacksmith's-looking tool-box to light Mr. Sponge's fire, a riotous
+winter's day was in the full swing of its gloomy, deluging power. The wind
+howled, and roared, and whistled, and shrieked, playing a sort of æolian
+harp amongst the towers, pinnacles, and irregular castleisations of the
+house; while the old casements rattled and shook, as though some one were
+trying to knock them in.
+
+'Hang the day!' muttered Sponge from beneath the bedclothes. 'What the
+deuce is a man to do with himself on such a day as this, in the country?'
+thinking how much better he would be flattening his nose against the
+coffee-room window of the Bantam, or strolling through the horse-dealers'
+stables in Piccadilly or Oxford Street.
+
+Presently the over-night chair before the fire, with the picture of
+Jawleyford in the Bumperkin yeomanry, as seen through the parted curtains
+of the spacious bed, recalled his over-night speculations, and he began to
+think that perhaps he was just as well where he was. He then 'backed' his
+ideas to where he had left off, and again began speculating on the chances
+of his position. 'Deuced fine girls,' said he, 'both of 'em: wonder what
+he'll give 'em down?'--recurring to his over-night speculations, and
+hitting upon the point at which he had burnt his lips with the end of the
+cigar--namely, Jawleyford's youth, and the possibility of his marrying
+again if Mrs. Jawleyford were to die. 'It won't do to raise up
+difficulties for one's self, however,' mused he; so, kicking off the
+bedclothes, he raised himself instead, and making for a window, began to
+gaze upon his expectant territory.
+
+It was a terrible day; the ragged, spongy clouds drifted heavily along, and
+the lowering gloom was only enlivened by the occasional driving rush of the
+tempest. Earth and sky were pretty much the same grey, damp, disagreeable
+hue.
+
+'Well,' said Sponge to himself, having gazed sufficiently on the uninviting
+landscape, 'it's just as well it's not a hunting day--should have got
+terribly soused. Must get through the time as well as I can--girls to talk
+to--house to see. Hope I've brought my _Mogg_,' added he, turning to his
+portmanteau, and diving for his _Ten Thousand Cab Fares_. Having found the
+invaluable volume, his almost constant study, he then proceeded to array
+himself in what he considered the most captivating apparel; a new
+wide-sleeved dock-tail coatee, with outside pockets placed very low,
+faultless drab trousers, a buff waistcoat, with a cream-coloured once-round
+silk tie, secured by red cornelian cross-bars set in gold, for a pin. Thus
+attired, with _Mogg_ in his pocket, he swaggered down to the
+breakfast-room, which he hit off by means of listening at the doors till he
+heard the sound of voices within.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies were all smiles and smirks, and there
+were no symptoms of Miss Jawleyford's _hauteur_ perceptible. They all came
+forward and shook hands with our friend most cordially. Mr. Jawleyford,
+too, was all flourish and compliment; now tilting at the weather, now
+congratulating himself upon having secured Mr. Sponge's society in the
+house.
+
+That leisurely meal of protracted ease, a country-house breakfast, being at
+length accomplished, and the ladies having taken their departure, Mr.
+Jawleyford looked out on the terrace, upon which the angry rain was beating
+the standing water into bubbles, and observing that there was no chance of
+getting out, asked Mr. Sponge if he could amuse himself in the house.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied he, 'got a book in my pocket.'
+
+'Ah, I suppose--the _New Monthly_, perhaps?' observed Mr. Jawleyford.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Dizzey's _Life of Bentinck_, then, I dare say,' suggested Jawleyford;
+adding, 'I'm reading it myself.'
+
+'No, nor that either,' replied Sponge, with a knowing look; 'a much more
+useful work, I assure you,' added he, pulling the little purple-backed
+volume out of his pocket, and reading the gilt letters on the back:
+'_Mogg's Ten Thousand Cab Fares_. Price one shilling!'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, 'well, I should never have guessed
+that.'
+
+'I dare say not,' replied Sponge, 'I dare say not, it's a book I never
+travel without. It's invaluable in town, and you may study it to great
+advantage in the country. With _Mogg_ in my hand, I can almost fancy myself
+in both places at once. Omnibus guide,' added he, turning over the leaves,
+and reading, 'Acton five, from the end of Oxford Street and the Edger
+Road--see Ealing; Edmonton seven, from Shoreditch Church--"Green Man and
+Still" Oxford Street--Shepherd's Bush and Starch Green, Bank, and
+Whitechapel--Tooting--Totteridge--Wandsworth; in short, every place near
+town. Then the cab fares are truly invaluable; you have ten thousand of
+them here,' said he, tapping the book, 'and you may calculate as many more
+for yourself as ever you like. Nothing to do but sit in an arm-chair on a
+wet day like this, and say, If from the Mile End turnpike to the "Castle"
+on the Kingsland Road is so much, how much should it be to the "Yorkshire
+Stingo," or Pine-Apple-Place, Maida Vale? And you measure by other fares
+till you get as near the place you want as you can, if it isn't set down in
+black and white to your hand in the book.'
+
+'Just so,' said Jawleyford, 'just so. It must be a very useful work indeed,
+very useful work. I'll get one--I'll get one. How much did you say it
+was--a guinea? a guinea?'
+
+'A shilling,' replied Sponge, adding, 'you may have mine for a guinea if
+you like.'
+
+'By Jove, what a day it is!' observed Jawleyford, turning the
+conversation, as the wind dashed the hard sleet against the window like a
+shower of pebbles. 'Lucky to have a good house over one's head, such
+weather; and, by the way, that reminds me, I'll show you my new gallery and
+collection of curiosities--pictures, busts, marbles, antiques, and so on;
+there'll be fires on, and we shall be just as well there as here.' So
+saying, Jawleyford led the way through a dark, intricate, shabby passage,
+to where a much gilded white door, with a handsome crimson curtain over it
+announced the entrance to something better. 'Now,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+bowing as he threw open the door, and motioned, or rather flourished, his
+guest to enter--'now,' said he, 'you shall see what you shall see.'
+
+Mr. Sponge entered accordingly, and found himself at the end of a gallery
+fifty feet by twenty, and fourteen high, lighted by skylights and small
+windows round the top. There were fires in handsome Caen-stone
+chimney-pieced fireplaces on either side, a large timepiece and an organ at
+the far end, and sundry white basins scattered about, catching the drops
+from the skylights.
+
+'Hang the rain!' exclaimed Jawleyford, as he saw it trickling over a river
+scene of Van Goyen's (gentlemen in a yacht, and figures in boats), and
+drip, drip, dripping on to the head of an infant Bacchus below.
+
+'He wants an umbrella, that young gentleman,' observed Sponge, as
+Jawleyford proceeded to dry him with his handkerchief.
+
+'Fine thing,' observed Jawleyford, starting off to a side, and pointing to
+it; 'fine thing--Italian marble--by Frère--cost a vast of money--was
+offered three hundred for it. Are you a judge of these things?' asked
+Jawleyford; 'are you a judge of these things?'
+
+'A little,' replied Sponge, 'a little'; thinking he might as well see what
+his intended father-in-law's personal property was like.
+
+'There's a beautiful thing!' observed Jawleyford, pointing to another
+group. 'I picked that up for a mere nothing--twenty guineas--worth two
+hundred at least. Lipsalve, the great picture-dealer in Gammon Passage,
+offered me Murillo's "Adoration of the Virgin and Shepherds," for which he
+showed me a receipt for a hundred and eighty-five, for it.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Sponge, 'what is it?'
+
+'It's a Bacchanal group, after Poussin, sculptured by Marin. I bought it at
+Lord Breakdown's sale; it happened to be a wet day--much such a day as
+this--and things went for nothing. This you'll know, I presume?' observed
+Jawleyford, laying his hand on a life-size bust of Diana, in Italian
+marble.
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford; 'I thought everybody had known this: this is my
+celebrated "Diana," by Noindon--one of the finest things in the world.
+Louis Philippe sent an agent over to this country expressly to buy it.'
+
+'Why didn't you sell it him?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Didn't want the money,' replied Jawleyford, 'didn't want the money. In
+addition to which, though a king, he was a bit of a screw, and we couldn't
+agree upon terms. This,' observed Jawleyford, 'is a vase of the Cinque
+Cento period--a very fine thing; and this,' laying his hand on the crown of
+a much frizzed, barber's-window-looking bust, 'of course you know?'
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in astonishment.
+
+'No,' repeated Sponge.
+
+'Look again, my dear fellow; you _must_ know it,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'I suppose it's meant for you,' at last replied Sponge, seeing his host's
+anxiety.
+
+'_Meant!_ my dear fellow; why, don't you think it like?'
+
+'Why, there's a resemblance, certainly,' said Sponge, 'now that one knows.
+But I shouldn't have guessed it was you.'
+
+'Oh, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in a tone of mortification,
+'Do you _really_ mean to say you don't think it like?'
+
+'Why, yes, it's like,' replied Sponge, seeing which way his host wanted it;
+'it's like, certainly; the want of expression in the eye makes such a
+difference between a bust and a picture.'
+
+'True,' replied Jawleyford, comforted--'true,' repeated he, looking
+affectionately at it; 'I should say it was very like--like as anything can
+be. You are rather too much above it there, you see; sit down here,'
+continued he, leading Sponge to an ottoman surrounding a huge model of the
+column in the Place Vendôme, that stood in the middle of the room--'sit
+down here now, and look, and say if you don't think it like?'
+
+[Illustration: 'THIS, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW?']
+
+'Oh, _very_ like,' replied Sponge, as soon as he had seated himself. 'I see
+it now, directly; the mouth is yours to a T.'
+
+'And the chin. It's my chin, isn't it?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Yes; and the nose, and the forehead, and the whiskers, and the hair, and
+the shape of the head, and everything. Oh! I see it now as plain as a
+pikestaff,' observed Sponge.
+
+'I thought you would,' rejoined Jawleyford comforted--'I thought you would;
+it's generally considered an excellent likeness--so it should, indeed, for
+it cost a vast of money--fifty guineas! to say nothing of the lotus-leafed
+pedestal it's on. That's another of me,' continued Jawleyford, pointing to
+a bust above the fireplace, on the opposite side of the gallery; 'done some
+years since--ten or twelve, at least--not so like as this, but still like.
+That portrait up there, just above the "Finding of Moses," by Poussin,'
+pointing to a portrait of himself attitudinizing, with his hand on his hip,
+and frock-coat well thrown back, so as to show his figure and the silk
+lining to advantage, 'was done the other day, by a very rising young
+artist; though he has hardly done me justice, perhaps--particularly in the
+nose, which he's made far too thick and heavy; and the right hand, if
+anything, is rather clumsy; otherwise the colouring is good, and there is a
+considerable deal of taste in the arrangement of the background, and so
+on.'
+
+'What book is it you are pointing to?' asked Sponge.
+
+'It's not a book,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'it's a plan--a plan of this
+gallery, in fact. I am supposed to be giving the final order for the
+erection of the very edifice we are now in.'
+
+'And a very handsome building it is,' observed Sponge, thinking he would
+make it a shooting-gallery when he got it.
+
+'Yes, it's a handsome thing in its way,' assented Jawleyford; 'better if it
+had been water-tight, perhaps,' added he, as a big drop splashed upon the
+crown of his head.
+
+'The contents must be very valuable,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Very valuable,' replied Jawleyford. 'There's a thing I gave two hundred
+and fifty guineas for--that vase. It's of Parian marble, of the Cinque
+Cento period, beautifully sculptured in a dance of Bacchanals, arabesques,
+and chimera figures; it was considered cheap. Those fine monkeys in Dresden
+china, playing on musical instruments, were forty; those bronzes of
+scaramouches on ormolu plinths were seventy; that ormolu clock, of the
+style of Louis Quinze, by Le Roy, was eighty; those Sèvres vases were a
+hundred--mounted, you see, in ormolu, with lily candelabra for ten lights.
+The handles,' continued he, drawing Sponge's attention to them, 'are very
+handsome--composed of satyrs holding festoons of grapes and flowers, which
+surround the neck of the vase; on the sides are pastoral subjects, painted
+in the highest style--nothing can be more beautiful or more chaste.'
+
+'Nothing,' assented Sponge.
+
+'The pictures I should think are most valuable,' observed Jawleyford. 'My
+friend Lord Sparklebury said to me the last time he was here--he's now in
+Italy, increasing his collection--"Jawleyford, old boy," said he, for we
+are very intimate--just like brothers, in fact; "Jawleyford, old boy, I
+wonder whether your collection or mine would fetch most money, if they were
+Christie-&-Manson'd." "Oh, your lordship," said I, "your Guidos, and
+Ostades, and Poussins, and Velasquez, are not to be surpassed." "True,"
+replied his lordship, "they are fine--very fine; but you have the Murillos.
+I'd like to give you a good round sum," added he, "to pick out half-a-dozen
+pictures out of your gallery." Do you understand pictures?' continued
+Jawleyford, turning short on his friend Sponge.
+
+'A little,' replied Sponge, in a tone that might mean either yes or no--a
+great deal or nothing at all.
+
+Jawleyford then took him and worked him through his collection--talked of
+light and shade, and tone, and depth of colouring, tints, and pencillings;
+and put Sponge here and there and everywhere to catch the light (or rain,
+as the case might be); made him convert his hand into an opera-glass, and
+occasionally put his head between his legs to get an upside-down view--a
+feat that Sponge's equestrian experience made him pretty well up to. So
+they looked, and admired, and criticized, till Spigot's all-important
+figure came looming up the gallery and announced that luncheon was ready.
+
+'Bless me!' exclaimed Jawleyford, pulling a most diminutive Geneva watch,
+hung with pencils, pistol-keys, and other curiosities, out of his pocket;
+'Bless me, who'd have thought it? One o'clock, I declare! Well, if this
+doesn't prove the value of a gallery on a wet day. I don't know what does.
+However,' said he, 'we must tear ourselves away for the present, and go and
+see what the ladies are about.'
+
+If ever a man may be excused for indulging in luncheon, it certainly is on
+a pouring wet day (when he eats for occupation), or when he is making love;
+both which excuses Mr. Sponge had to offer, so he just sat down and ate as
+heartily as the best of the party, not excepting his host himself, who was
+an excellent hand at luncheon.
+
+Jawleyford tried to get him back to the gallery after luncheon, but a look
+from his wife intimated that Sponge was wanted elsewhere, so he quietly saw
+him carried off to the music-room; and presently the notes of the 'grand
+piano,' and full clear voices of his daughters, echoing along the passage,
+intimated that they were trying what effect music would have upon him.
+
+When Mrs. Jawleyford looked in about an hour after, she found Mr. Sponge
+sitting over the fire with his _Mogg_ in his hand, and the young ladies
+with their laps full of company-work, keeping up a sort of crossfire of
+conversation in the shape of question and answer. Mrs. Jawleyford's company
+making matters worse, they soon became tediously agreeable.
+
+In course of time, Jawleyford entered the room, with:
+
+'My dear Mr. Sponge, your groom has come up to know about your horse
+to-morrow. I told him it was utterly impossible to think of hunting, but he
+says he must have his orders from you. I should say,' added Jawleyford, 'it
+is _quite_ out of the question--madness to think of it; much better in the
+house, such weather.'
+
+'I don't know that,' replied Sponge, 'the rain's come down, and though the
+country will ride heavy, I don't see why we shouldn't have sport after it.'
+
+'But the glass is falling, and the wind's gone round the wrong way; the
+moon changed this morning--everything, in short, indicates continued wet,'
+replied Jawleyford. 'The rivers are all swollen, and the low grounds under
+water; besides, my dear fellow, consider the distance--consider the
+distance; sixteen miles, if it's a yard.'
+
+'What, Dundleton Tower!' exclaimed Sponge, recollecting that Jawleyford had
+said it was only ten the night before.
+
+'Sixteen miles, and bad road,' replied Jawleyford.
+
+'The deuce it is!' muttered Sponge; adding, 'Well, I'll go and see my
+groom, at all events.' So saying, he rang the bell as if the house was his
+own, and desired Spigot to show him the way to his servant.
+
+Leather, of course, was in the servants' hall, refreshing himself with cold
+meat and ale, after his ride up from Lucksford.
+
+Finding that he had ridden the hack up, he desired Leather to leave him
+there. 'Tell the groom I _must_ have him put up,' said Sponge; 'and you
+ride the chestnut on in the morning. How far is it to Dundleton Tower?'
+asked he.
+
+'Twelve or thirteen miles, they say, from here,' replied Leather; 'nine or
+ten from Lucksford.'
+
+'Well, that'll do,' said Sponge; 'you tell the groom here to have the hack
+saddled for me at nine o'clock, and you ride Multum in Parvo quietly on,
+either to the meet or till I overtake you.'
+
+'But how am I to get back to Lucksford?' asked Leather, cocking up a foot
+to show how thinly he was shod.
+
+'Oh, just as you can,' replied Sponge; 'get the groom here to set you down
+with his master's hacks. I dare say they haven't been out to-day, and it'll
+do them good.'
+
+So saying, Mr. Sponge left his valuable servant to do the best he could for
+himself.
+
+Having returned to the music-room, with the aid of an old county map Mr.
+Sponge proceeded to trace his way to Dundleton Tower; aided, or rather
+retarded, by Mr. Jawleyford, who kept pointing out all sorts of
+difficulties, till, if Mr. Sponge had followed his advice, he would have
+made eighteen or twenty miles of the distance. Sponge, however, being used
+to scramble about strange countries, saw the place was to be accomplished
+in ten or eleven. Jawleyford was sure he would lose himself, and Sponge was
+equally confident that he wouldn't.
+
+At length the glad sound of the gong put an end to all further argument;
+and the inmates of Jawleyford Court retired, candle in hand, to their
+respective apartments, to adorn for a repetition of the yesterday's spread,
+with the addition of the Rev. Mr. Hobanob's company, to say grace, and
+praise the 'Wintle.'
+
+An appetiteless dinner was succeeded by tea and music, as before.
+
+The three elegant French clocks in the drawing-room being at variance, one
+being three-quarters of an hour before the slowest, and twenty minutes
+before the next, Mr. Hobanob (much to the horror of Jawleyford) having
+nearly fallen asleep with his Sèvres coffee-cup in his hand, at last drew
+up his great silver watch by its jack-chain, and finding it was a quarter
+past ten, prepared to decamp--taking as affectionate a leave of the ladies
+as if he had been going to China. He was followed by Mr. Jawleyford, to see
+him pocket his pumps, and also by Mr. Sponge, to see what sort of a night
+it was.
+
+The sky was clear, stars sparkled in the firmament, and a young crescent
+moon shone with silvery brightness o'er the scene.
+
+'That'll do,' said Sponge, as he eyed it; 'no haze there. Come,' added he
+to his papa-in-law, as Hobanob's steps died out on the terrace, 'you'd
+better go to-morrow.'
+
+'Can't,' replied Jawleyford; 'go next day, perhaps--Scrambleford
+Green--better place--much. You may lock up,' said he, turning to Spigot,
+who, with both footmen, was in attendance to see Mr. Hobanob off; 'you may
+lock up, and tell the cook to have breakfast ready at nine precisely.'
+
+'Oh, never mind about breakfast for me,' interposed Sponge, 'I'll have some
+tea or coffee and chops, or boiled ham and eggs, or whatever's going, in my
+bedroom,' said he; 'so never mind altering your hour for me.'
+
+'Oh, but my dear fellow, we'll all breakfast together' (Jawleyford had no
+notion of standing two breakfasts), 'we'll all breakfast together,' said
+he; 'no trouble, I assure you--rather the contrary. Say half-past
+eight--half-past eight. Spigot! to a minute, mind.'
+
+And Sponge, seeing there was no help for it, bid the ladies good night, and
+tumbled off to bed with little expectation of punctuality.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE'S RAPID BREAKFAST]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+THE F.H.H.
+
+
+Nor was Sponge wrong in his conjecture, for it was a quarter to nine ere
+Spigot appeared with the massive silver urn, followed by the train-band
+bold, bearing the heavy implements of breakfast. Then, though the young
+ladies were punctual, smiling, and affable as usual, Mrs. Jawleyford was
+absent, and she had the keys; so it was nearly nine before Mr. Sponge got
+his fork into his first mutton chop. Jawleyford was not exactly pleased;
+he thought it didn't look well for a young man to prefer hunting to the
+society of his lovely and accomplished daughters. Hunting was all very well
+occasionally, but it did not do to make a business of it. This, however, he
+kept to himself.
+
+'You'll have a fine day, my dear Mr. Sponge,' said he, extending a hand, as
+he found our friend brown-booted and red-coated, working away at the
+breakfast.
+
+'Yes,' said Sponge, munching away for hard life. In less than ten minutes,
+he managed to get as much down as, with the aid of a knotch of bread that
+he pocketed, he thought would last him through the day; and, with a hasty
+adieu, he hurried off to find the stables, to get his hack. The piebald was
+saddled, bridled, and turned round in the stall; for all servants that are
+worth anything like to further hunting operations. With the aid of the
+groom's instructions, who accompanied him out of the courtyard, Sponge was
+enabled to set off at a hard canter, cheered by the groom's observation,
+that 'he thought he would be there in time.' On, on he went; now
+speculating on a turn; now pulling a scratch map he had made on a bit of
+paper out of his waistcoat-pocket; now inquiring the name of any place he
+saw of any person he met. So he proceeded for five or six miles without
+much difficulty; the road, though not all turnpike, being mainly over good
+sound township ones. It was at the village of Swineley, with its
+chubby-towered church and miserable hut-like cottages, that his troubles
+were to begin. He had two sharp turns to make--to ride through a
+straw-yard, and leap over a broken-down wall at the corner of a cottage--to
+get into Swaithing Green Lane, and so cut off an angle of two miles. The
+road then became a bridle one, and was, like all bridle ones, very plain to
+those who know them, and very puzzling to those who don't. It was evidently
+a little-frequented road; and what with looking out for footmarks (now
+nearly obliterated by the recent rains) and speculating on what queer
+corners of the fields the gates would be in, Mr. Sponge found it necessary
+to reduce his pace to a very moderate trot. Still he had made good way; and
+supposing they gave a quarter-of-an-hour's law, and he had not been
+deceived as to distance, he thought he should get to the meet about the
+time. His horse, too, would be there, and perhaps Lord Scamperdale might
+give a little extra law on that account. He then began speculating on what
+sort of a man his lordship was, and the probable nature of his reception.
+He began to wish that Jawleyford had accompanied him, to introduce him. Not
+that Sponge was shy, but still he thought that Jawleyford's presence would
+do him good.
+
+Lord Scamperdale's hunt was not the most polished in the world. The hounds
+and the horses were a good deal better bred than the men. Of course his
+lordship gave the _tone_ to the whole; and being a coarse, broad,
+barge-built sort of man, he had his clothes to correspond, and looked like
+a drayman in scarlet. He wore a great round flat-brimmed hat, which being
+adopted by the hunt generally, procured it the name of the 'F.H.H.,' or
+'Flat Hat Hunt.' Our readers, we dare say, have noticed it figuring away,
+in the list of hounds during the winter, along with the 'H.H.s,' 'V.W.H.s,'
+and other initialized packs. His lordship's clothes were of the large,
+roomy, baggy, abundant order, with great pockets, great buttons, and lots
+of strings flying out. Instead of tops, he sported leather leggings, which
+at a distance gave him the appearance of riding with his trousers up to his
+knees. These the hunt too adopted; and his 'particular,' Jack (Jack
+Spraggon), the man whom he mounted, and who was made much in his own mould,
+sported, like his patron, a pair of great broad-rimmed, tortoise-shell
+spectacles of considerable power. Jack was always at his lordship's elbow;
+and it was 'Jack' this, 'Jack' that, 'Jack' something, all day long. But we
+must return to Mr. Sponge, whom we left working his way through the
+intricate fields. At last he got through them, and into Red Pool Common,
+which, by leaving the windmill to the right, he cleared pretty cleverly,
+and entered upon a district still wilder and drearier than any he had
+traversed. Peewits screamed and hovered over land that seemed to grow
+little but rushes and water-grasses, with occasional heather. The ground
+poached and splashed as he went; worst of all, time was nearly up.
+
+In vain Sponge strained his eyes in search of Dundleton Tower. In vain he
+fancied every high, sky-line-breaking place in the distance was the
+much-wished-for spot. Dundleton Tower was no more a tower than it was a
+town, and would seem to have been christened by the rule of contrary, for
+it was nothing but a great flat open space, without object or incident to
+note it.
+
+Sponge, however, was not destined to see it.
+
+As he went floundering along through an apparently interminable and almost
+bottomless lane, whose sunken places and deep ruts were filled with clayey
+water, which played the very deuce with the cords and brown boots, the
+light note of a hound fell on his ear, and almost at the same instant, a
+something that he would have taken for a dog had it not been for the note
+of the hound, turned, as it were, from him, and went in a contrary
+direction.
+
+Sponge reined in the piebald, and stood transfixed. It was, indeed, the
+fox!--a magnificent full-brushed fellow, with a slight tendency to grey
+along the back, and going with the light spiry ease of an animal full of
+strength and running.
+
+'I wish I mayn't ketch it,' said Sponge to himself, shuddering at the idea
+of having headed him.
+
+It was, however, no time for thinking. The cry of hounds became more
+distinct--nearer and nearer they came, fuller and more melodious; but,
+alas! it was no music to Sponge. Presently the cheering of hunters was
+heard--'FOR--_rard_! FOR--_rard_!' and anon the rate of a
+whip farther back. Another second, and hounds, horses, and men were in
+view, streaming away over the large pasture on the left.
+
+There was a high, straggling fence between Sponge and the field, thick
+enough to prevent their identifying him, but not sufficiently high to
+screen him altogether. Sponge pulled round the piebald, and gathered
+himself together like a man going to be shot. The hounds came tearing full
+cry to where he was; there was a breast-high scent, and every one seemed to
+have it. They charged the fence at a wattled pace a few yards below where
+he sat, and flying across the deep dirty lane, dashed full cry into the
+pasture beyond.
+
+'Hie back!' cried Sponge. 'Hie back!' trying to turn them; but instead of
+the piebald carrying him in front of the pack, as Sponge wanted, he took to
+rearing, and plunging, and pawing the air. The hounds meanwhile dashed
+jealously on without a scent, till first one and then another feeling
+ashamed, gave in; and at last a general lull succeeded the recent joyous
+cry. Awful period! terrible to any one, but dreadful to a stranger! Though
+Sponge was in the road, he well knew that no one has any business anywhere
+but with hounds, when a fox is astir.
+
+'Hold hard!' was now the cry, and the perspiring riders and lathered steeds
+came to a standstill.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went a shrill horn; and a couple of whips, singling
+themselves out from the field, flew over the fence to where the hounds were
+casting.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the horn again.
+
+Meanwhile Sponge sat enjoying the following observations, which a westerly
+wind wafted into his ear.
+
+'Oh, d--n me! that man in the lane's headed the fox,' puffed one.
+
+'Who is it?' gasped another.
+
+'Tom Washball!' exclaimed a third.
+
+'Heads more foxes than any man in the country,' puffed a fourth.
+
+'Always nicking and skirting,' exclaimed a fifth.
+
+'Never comes to the meet,' added a sixth.
+
+'Come on a cow to-day,' observed another.
+
+'Always chopping and changing,' added another; 'he'll come on a giraffe
+next.'
+
+Having commenced his career with the 'F.H.H.' so inauspiciously and yet
+escaped detection, Mr. Sponge thought of letting Tom Washball enjoy the
+honours of his _faux-pas_, and of sneaking quietly home as soon as the
+hounds hit off the scent; but unluckily, just as they were crossing the
+lane, what should heave in sight, cantering along at his leisure, but the
+redoubtable Multum in Parvo, who, having got rid of old Leather by bumping
+and thumping his leg against a gate-post, was enjoying a line of his own.
+
+'Whoay!' cried Sponge, as he saw the horse quickening his pace to have a
+shy at the hounds as they crossed. 'Who--o--a--y!' roared he, brandishing
+his whip, and trying to turn the piebald round; but no, the brute wouldn't
+answer the bit, and dreading lest, in addition to heading the fox, he
+should kill 'the best hound in the pack,' Mr. Sponge threw himself off,
+regardless of the mud-bath in which he lit, and caught the runaway as he
+tried to dart past.
+
+'For-rard!--for-rard!--for-rard!' was again the cry, as the hounds hit off
+the scent; while the late pausing, panting sportsmen tackled vigorously
+with their steeds, and swept onward like the careering wind.
+
+Mr. Sponge, albeit somewhat perplexed, had still sufficient presence of
+mind to see the necessity of immediate action; and though he had so lately
+contemplated beating a retreat, the unexpected appearance of Parvo altered
+the state of affairs.
+
+'Now or never,' said he, looking first at the disappearing field, and then
+for the non-appearing Leather. 'Hang it! I may as well see the run,' added
+he; so hooking the piebald on to an old stone gate-post that stood in the
+ragged fence, and lengthening a stirrup-leather, he vaulted into the
+saddle, and began lengthening the other as he went.
+
+It was one of Parvo's going days; indeed, it was that that old Leather and
+he had quarrelled about--Parvo wanting to follow the hounds, while Leather
+wanted to wait for his master. And Parvo had the knack of going, as well as
+the occasional inclination. Although such a drayhorse-looking animal, he
+could throw the ground behind him amazingly; and the deep-holding clay in
+which he now found himself was admirably suited to his short, powerful legs
+and enormous stride. The consequence was, that he was very soon up with the
+hindmost horsemen. These he soon passed, and was presently among those who
+ride hard when there is nothing to stop them. Such time as these sportsmen
+could now spare from looking out ahead was devoted to Sponge, whom they
+eyed with the utmost astonishment, as if he had dropped from the clouds.
+
+A stranger--a real out-and-out stranger--had not visited their remote
+regions since the days of poor Nimrod. 'Who could it be?' But 'the pace,'
+as Nimrod used to say, 'was too good to inquire.' A little farther on, and
+Sponge drew upon the great guns of the hunt--the men who ride _to_ hounds,
+and not _after_ them; the same who had criticized him through the
+fence--Mr. Wake, Mr. Fossick, Parson Blossomnose, Mr. Fyle, Lord
+Scamperdale, Jack himself, and others. Great was their astonishment at the
+apparition, and incoherent the observations they dropped as they galloped
+on.
+
+'It isn't Wash, after all,' whispered Fyle into Blossomnose's ear, as they
+rode through a gate together.
+
+'No-o-o,' replied the nose, eyeing Sponge intently.
+
+'What a coat!' whispered one.
+
+'Jacket,' replied the other.
+
+'Lost his brush,' observed a third, winking at Sponge's docked tail.
+
+'He's going to ride over us all,' snapped Mr. Fossick, whom Sponge passed
+at a hand-canter, as the former was blobbing and floundering about the deep
+ruts leading out of a turnip-field.
+
+'He'll catch it just now,' said Mr. Wake, eyeing Sponge drawing upon his
+lordship and Jack, as they led the field as usual. Jack being at a
+respectful distance behind his great patron, espied Sponge first; and
+having taken a good stare at him through his formidable spectacles, to
+satisfy himself that it was nobody he knew--a stare that Sponge returned as
+well as a man without spectacles can return the stare of one with--Jack
+spurred his horse up to his lordship, and rising in his stirrups, shot into
+his ear--
+
+'Why, here's the man on the cow!' adding, 'it isn't Washey.'
+
+'Who the deuce is it then?' asked his lordship, looking over his left
+shoulder, as he kept galloping on in the wake of his huntsman.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack; 'never saw him before.'
+
+'Nor I,' said his lordship, with an air as much as to say, 'It makes no
+matter.'
+
+His lordship, though well mounted, was not exactly on the sort of horse
+for the country they were in; while Mr. Sponge, in addition to being on the
+very animal for it, had the advantage of the horse having gone the first
+part of the run without a rider: so Multum in Parvo, whether Mr. Sponge
+wished it or not, insisted on being as far forward as he could get. The
+more Sponge pulled and hauled, the more determined the horse was; till,
+having thrown both Jack and his lordship in the rear, he made for old
+Frostyface, the huntsman, who was riding well up to the still-flying pack.
+
+'HOLD HARD, sir! For God's sake, hold hard!' screamed Frosty, who
+knew by intuition there was a horse behind, as well as he knew there was a
+man shooting in front, who, in all probability, had headed the fox.
+
+'HOLD HARD, sir!' roared he, as, yawning and boring and shaking
+his head, Parvo dashed through the now yelping scattered pack, making
+straight for a stiff new gate, which he smashed through, just as a circus
+pony smashes through a paper hoop.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' shouted Jack Spraggon, on seeing the hounds were safe. 'Hoo-ray
+for the tailor!'
+
+'Billy Button, himself!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'never saw such a
+thing in my life!'
+
+'Who the deuce is he?' asked Blossomnose, in the full glow of
+pulling-five-year-old exertion.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'he's a shaver, whoever he is.'
+
+Meanwhile the frightened hounds were scattered right and left.
+
+'I'll lay a guinea he's one of those confounded waiting chaps,' observed
+Fyle, who had been handled rather roughly by one of the tribe, who had
+dropped 'quite promiscuously' upon a field where he was, just as Sponge had
+done with Lord Scamperdale's.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied his lordship, eyeing Sponge's vain endeavours
+to turn the chestnut, and thinking how he would 'pitch into him' when he
+came up. 'By Jove,' added his lordship, 'if the fellow had taken the whole
+country round, he couldn't have chosen a worse spot for such an exploit;
+for there never _is_ any scent over here. See! not a hound can own it. Old
+Harmony herself throws up.
+
+The whips again are in their places, turning the astonished pack to
+Frostyface, who sets off on a casting expedition. The field, as usual, sit
+looking on; some blessing Sponge; some wondering who he was; others looking
+what o'clock it is; some dismounting and looking at their horses' feet.
+
+'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots!' exclaimed his lordship, as, by dint of
+bitting and spurring, Sponge at length worked the beast round, and came
+sneaking back in the face of the whole field. 'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots,'
+repeated he, taking off his hat and bowing very low. 'Very much obl_e_ged
+to you, Mr. Brown Boots. Most particklarly obl_e_ged to you, Mr. Brown
+Boots,' with another low bow. 'Hang'd obl_e_ged to you, Mr. Brown Boots!
+D--n you, Mr. Brown Boots!' continued his lordship, looking at Sponge as if
+he would eat him.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' blurted Sponge; 'my horse--'
+
+'Hang your horse!' screamed his lordship; 'it wasn't your horse that headed
+the fox, was it?'
+
+'Beg pardon--couldn't help it; I--'
+
+'Couldn't help it. Hang your helps--you're _always_ doing it, sir. You
+could stay at home, sir--I s'pose, sir--couldn't you, sir? eh, sir?'
+
+Sponge was silent.
+
+'See, sir!' continued his lordship, pointing to the mute pack now following
+the huntsman, 'you've lost us our fox, sir--yes, sir, lost us our
+fox, sir. D'ye call that nothin', sir? If you don't, _I_ do, you
+perpendicular-looking Puseyite pig-jobber! By Jove! you think because I'm a
+lord, and can't swear, or use coarse language, that you may do what you
+like--but I'll take my hounds home, sir--yes, sir, I'll take my hounds
+home, sir.' So saying, his lordship roared HOME to Frostyface;
+adding, in an undertone to the first whip, 'bid him go to Furzing-field
+gorse.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+A COUNTRY DINNER-PARTY
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Well, what sport?' asked Jawleyford, as he encountered his exceedingly
+dirty friend crossing the entrance hall to his bedroom on his return from
+his day, or rather his non-day, with the 'Flat Hat Hunt.'
+
+'Why, not much--that's to say, nothing particular--I mean, I've not had
+any,' blurted Sponge.
+
+'But you've had a run?' observed Jawleyford, pointing to his boots and
+breeches, stained with the variation of each soil.
+
+'Ah, I got most of that going to cover,' replied Sponge; 'country's awfully
+deep, roads abominably dirty!' adding, 'I wish I'd taken your advice, and
+stayed at home.'
+
+'I wish you had,' replied Jawleyford, 'you'd have had a most excellent
+rabbit-pie for luncheon. However, get changed, and we will hear all about
+it after.' So saying, Jawleyford waved an adieu, and Sponge stamped away in
+his dirty water-logged boots.
+
+'I'm afraid you are very wet, Mr. Sponge,' observed Amelia in the sweetest
+tone, with the most loving smile possible, as our friend, with three steps
+at a time, bounded upstairs, and nearly butted her on the landing, as she
+was on the point of coming down.
+
+'I am that,' exclaimed Sponge, delighted at the greeting; 'I am that,'
+repeated he, slapping his much-stained cords; 'dirty, too,' added he,
+looking down at his nether man.
+
+'Hadn't you better get changed as quick as possible?' asked Amelia, still
+keeping her position before him.
+
+'Oh! all in good time,' replied Sponge, 'all in good time. The sight of you
+warms me more than a fire would do'; adding, 'I declare you look quite
+bewitching, after all the roughings and tumblings about out of doors.'
+
+'Oh! you've not had a fall, have you?' exclaimed Amelia, looking the
+picture of despair; 'you've not had a fall, have you? Do send for the
+doctor, and be bled.'
+
+Just then a door along the passage to the left opened; and Amelia, knowing
+pretty well who it was, smiled and tripped away, leaving Sponge to be bled
+or not as he thought proper.
+
+Our hero then made for his bedroom, where, having sucked off his adhesive
+boots, and divested himself of the rest of his hunting attire, he wrapped
+himself up in his grey flannel dressing-gown, and prepared for parboiling
+his legs and feet, amid agreeable anticipations arising out of the recent
+interview, and occasional references to his old friend _Mogg_, whenever he
+did not see his way on the matrimonial road as clearly as he could wish.
+'She'll have me, that's certain,' observed he.
+
+'Curse the water! how hot it is!' exclaimed he, catching his foot up out of
+the bath, into which he had incautiously plunged it without ascertaining
+the temperature of the water. He then sluiced it with cold, and next had to
+add a little more hot; at last he got it to his mind, and lighting a cigar,
+prepared for uninterrupted enjoyment.
+
+'Gad!' said he, 'she's by no means a bad-looking girl' (whiff). 'Devilish
+good-looking girl' (puff); 'good head and neck, and carries it well too'
+(puff)--'capital eye' (whiff), 'bright and clear' (puff); 'no cataracts
+there. She's all good together' (whiff, puff, whiff). 'Nice size too,'
+continued he, 'and well set up (whiff, puff, whiff); 'straight as a dairy
+maid' (puff); 'plenty of substance--grand thing substance' (puff). 'Hate a
+weedy woman--fifteen two and a half--that's to say, five feet four's plenty
+of height for a woman' (puff). 'Height of a woman has nothing to do with
+her size' (whiff). 'Wish she hadn't run off (puff); 'would like to have had
+a little more talk with her' (whiff, puff). 'Women never look so well as
+when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting' (puff). He then sank
+silently back in the easy-chair and whiffed and puffed all sorts of
+fantastic clouds and columns and corkscrews at his leisure. The cigar being
+finished, and the water in the foot-bath beginning to get cool, he emptied
+the remainder of the hot into it, and lighting a fresh cigar, began
+speculating on how the match was to be accomplished.
+
+The lady was safe, that was clear; he had nothing to do but 'pop.' That he
+would do in the evening, or in the morning, or any time--a man living in
+the house with a girl need never be in want of an opportunity. That
+preliminary over, and the usual answer 'Ask papa' obtained, then came the
+question, how was the old boy to be managed?--for men with marriageable
+daughters are to all intents and purposes 'old boys,' be their ages what
+they may.
+
+He became lost in reflection. He sat with his eyes fixed on the Jawleyford
+portrait above the mantelpiece, wondering whether he was the amiable,
+liberal, hearty, disinterested sort of man he appeared to be, indifferent
+about money, and only wanting unexceptionable young men for his daughters;
+or if he was a worldly minded man, like some he had met, who, after giving
+him every possible encouragement, sent him to the right-about like a
+servant. So Sponge smoked and thought, and thought and smoked, till the
+water in the foot-bath again getting cold, and the shades of night drawing
+on, he at last started up like a man determined to awake himself, and
+poking a match into the fire, lighted the candles on the toilet-table, and
+proceeded to adorn himself. Having again got himself into the killing
+tights and buckled pumps, with a fine flower-fronted shirt, ere he embarked
+on the delicacies and difficulties of the starcher, he stirred the little
+pittance of a fire, and, folding himself in his dressing-gown, endeavoured
+to prepare his mind for the calm consideration of all the minute bearings
+of the question by a little more _Mogg_. In idea he transferred himself to
+London, now fancying himself standing at the end of Burlington Arcade,
+hailing a Fulham or Turnham Green 'bus; now wrangling with a conductor for
+charging him sixpence when there was a pennant flapping at his nose with
+the words "ALL THE WAY 3D." upon it; now folding the wooden doors
+of a hansom cab in Oxford Street, calculating the extreme distance he could
+go for an eightpenny fare: until at last he fell into a downright vacant
+sort of reading, without rhyme or reason, just as one sometimes takes a
+read of a directory or a dictionary--"Conduit Street, George Street, to or
+from the Adelphi Terrace, Astley's Amphitheatre, Baker Street, King Street,
+Bryanston Square any part, Covent Garden Theatre, Foundling Hospital,
+Hatton Garden," and so on, till the thunder of the gong aroused him to a
+recollection of his duties. He then up and at his neckcloth.
+
+"Ah, well," said he, reverting to his lady love, as he eyed himself
+intently in the glass while performing the critical operation, "I'll just
+sound the old gentleman after dinner--one can do that sort of thing better
+over one's wine, perhaps, than at any other time: looks less formal too,"
+added he, giving the cravat a knowing crease at the side; "and if it
+doesn't seem to take, one can just pass it off as if it was done for
+somebody else--some young gentleman at Laverick Wells, for instance."
+
+So saying, he on with his white waistcoat, and crowned the conquering suit
+with a blue coat and metal buttons. Returning his _Mogg_ to his
+dressing-gown pocket, he blew out the candles and groped his way downstairs
+in the dark.
+
+In passing the dining-room he looked in (to see if there were any
+champaign-glasses set, we believe), when he saw that he should not have an
+opportunity of sounding his intended papa-in-law after dinner, for he found
+the table laid for twelve, and a great display of plate, linen, and china.
+
+He then swaggered on to the drawing-room, which was in a blaze of light.
+The lively Emily had stolen a march on her sister, and had just entered,
+attired in a fine new pale yellow silk dress with a point-lace berthe and
+other adornments.
+
+High words had ensued between the sisters as to the meanness of Amelia in
+trying to take her beau from her, especially after the airs Amelia had
+given herself respecting Sponge; and a minute observer might have seen the
+slight tinge of red on Emily's eyelids denoting the usual issue of such
+scenes. The result was, that each determined to do the best she could for
+herself; and free trade being proclaimed, Emily proceeded to dress with all
+expedition, calculating that, as Mr. Sponge had come in wet, he would, very
+likely dress at once and appear in the drawing-room in good time. Nor was
+she out in her reckoning, for she had hardly enjoyed an approving glance in
+the mirror ere our hero came swaggering in, twitching his arms as if he
+hadn't got his wristbands adjusted, and working his legs as if they didn't
+belong to him.
+
+"Ah, my dear Miss Emley!" exclaimed he, advancing gaily towards her with
+extended hand, which she took with all the pleasure in the world; adding,
+"and how have you been?"
+
+"Oh, pretty well, thank you," replied she, looking as though she would have
+said, "As well as I can be without you."
+
+Sponge, though a consummate judge of a horse, and all the minutiae
+connected with them, was still rather green in the matter of woman; and
+having settled in his own mind that Amelia should be his choice, he
+concluded that Emily knew all about it, and was working on her sister's
+account, instead of doing the agreeable for herself. And there it is where
+elder sisters have such an advantage over younger ones. They are always
+shown, or contrive to show themselves, first; and if a man once makes up
+his mind that the elder one will do, there is an end of the matter; and it
+is neither a deeper shade or two of blue, nor a brighter tinge of brown,
+nor a little smaller foot, nor a more elegant waist, that will make him
+change for a younger sister. The younger ones immediately become sisters in
+the men's minds, and retire, or are retired, from the field--"scratched,"
+as Sponge would say.
+
+Amelia, however, was not going to give Emily a chance; for, having dressed
+with all the expedition compatible with an attractive toilet--a
+lavender-coloured satin with broad black lace flounces, and some heavy
+jewellery on her well-turned arms, she came sidling in so gently as almost
+to catch Emily in the act of playing the agreeable. Turning the sidle into
+a stately sail, with a haughty sort of sneer and toss of the head to her
+sister, as much as to say, 'What are you doing with my man?'--a sneer that
+suddenly changed into a sweet smile as her eye encountered Sponge's--she
+just motioned him off to a sofa, where she commenced a _sotto voce_
+conversation in the engaged-couple style.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE AND THE MISSES JAWLEYFORD]
+
+The plot then began to thicken. First came Jawleyford, in a terrible stew.
+
+'Well, this is too bad!' exclaimed he, stamping and flourishing a scented
+note, with a crest and initials at the top. 'This is too bad,' repeated
+he; 'people accepting invitations, and then crying off at the last moment.'
+
+'Who is it can't come, papa--the Foozles?' asked Emily.
+
+'No--Foozles be hanged,' sneered Jawleyford; 'they always come--_the
+Blossomnoses!_' replied he, with an emphasis.
+
+'The Blossomnoses!' exclaimed both girls, clasping their hands and looking
+up at the ceiling.
+
+'What, all of them?' asked Emily.
+
+'All of them,' rejoined Jawleyford.
+
+'Why, that's four,' observed Emily.
+
+'To be sure it is,' replied Jawleyford; 'five, if you count them by
+appetites; for old Blossom always eats and drinks as much as two people.'
+
+'What excuse do they give?' asked Amelia.
+
+'Carriage-horse taken suddenly ill,' replied Jawleyford; 'as if that's any
+excuse when there are post-horses within half a dozen miles.'
+
+'He wouldn't have been stopped hunting for want of a horse, I dare say,'
+observed Amelia.
+
+'I dare say it's all a lie,' observed Jawleyford; adding, 'however, the
+invitation shall go for a dinner, all the same.'
+
+The denunciation was interrupted by the appearance of Spigot, who came
+looming up the spacious drawing-room in the full magnificence of black
+shorts, silk stockings, and buckled pumps, followed by a sheepish-looking,
+straight-haired, red apple-faced young gentleman, whom he announced as Mr.
+Robert Foozle. Robert was the hope of the house of Foozle; and it was
+fortunate his parents were satisfied with him, for few other people were.
+He was a young gentleman who shook hands with everybody, assented to
+anything that anybody said, and in answering a question, wherein indeed his
+conversation chiefly consisted, he always followed the words of the
+interrogation as much as he could. For instance: 'Well, Robert, have you
+been at Dulverton to-day?' Answer, 'No, I've not been at Dulverton to-day.'
+Question, 'Are you going to Dulverton to-morrow?' Answer, 'No, I'm not
+going to Dulverton to-morrow.' Having shaken hands with the party all
+round, and turned to the fire to warm his red fists, Jawleyford having
+stood at 'attention' for such time as he thought Mrs. Foozle would be
+occupied before the glass in his study arranging her head-gear, and seeing
+no symptoms of any further announcement, at last asked Foozle if his papa
+and mamma were not coming.
+
+'No, my papa and mamma are not coming,' replied he.
+
+'Are you sure?' asked Jawleyford, in a tone of excitement.
+
+'Quite sure,' replied Foozle, in the most matter-of-course voice.
+
+[Illustration: MR. ROBERT FOOZLE]
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping his foot upon the soft rug,
+adding, 'it never rains but it pours!'
+
+'Have you any note, or anything?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford, who had followed
+Robert Foozle into the room.
+
+'Yes, I have a note,' replied he, diving into the inner pocket of his coat,
+and producing one. The note was a letter--a letter from Mrs. Foozle to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, three sides and crossed; and seeing the magnitude thereof, Mrs.
+Jawleyford quietly put it into her reticule, observing, 'that she hoped Mr.
+and Mrs. Foozle were well?'
+
+'Yes, they are well,' replied Robert, notwithstanding he had express orders
+to say that his papa had the toothache, and his mamma the earache.
+
+Jawleyford then gave a furious ring at the bell for dinner, and in due
+course of time the party of six proceeded to a table for twelve. Sponge
+pawned Mrs. Jawleyford off upon Robert Foozle, which gave Sponge the right
+to the fair Amelia, who walked off on his arm with a toss of her head at
+Emily, as though she thought him the finest, sprightliest man under the
+sun. Emily followed, and Jawleyford came sulking in alone, sore put out at
+the failure of what he meant for _the_ grand entertainment.
+
+Lights blazed in profusion; lamps more accustomed had now become better
+behaved; and the whole strength of the plate was called in requisition,
+sadly puzzling the unfortunate cook to find something to put upon the
+dishes. She, however, was a real magnanimous-minded woman, who would
+undertake to cook a lord mayor's feast--soups, sweets, joints, entrées, and
+all.
+
+Jawleyford was nearly silent during the dinner; indeed, he was too far off
+for conversation, had there been any for him to join in; which was not the
+case, for Amelia and Sponge kept up a hum of words, while Emily worked
+Robert Foozle with question and answer, such as:
+
+"Were your sisters out to-day?"
+
+"Yes, my sisters were out to-day."
+
+"Are your sisters going to the Christmas ball?"
+
+"Yes, my sisters are going to the Christmas ball," &c. &c.
+
+Still, nearly daft as Robert was, he was generally asked where there was
+anything going on; and more than one young la--but we will not tell about
+that, as he has nothing to do with our story.
+
+By the time the ladies took their departure, Mr. Jawleyford had somewhat
+recovered from the annoyance of his disappointment; and as they retired he
+rang the bell, and desired Spigot to set in the horse-shoe table, and bring
+a bottle of the "green seal," being the colour affixed on the bottles of a
+four-dozen hamper of port ("curious old port at 48_s_.") that had arrived
+from "Wintle & Co." by rail (goods train of course) that morning.
+
+"There!" exclaimed Jawleyford, as Spigot placed the richly cut decanter on
+the horse-shoe table. "There!" repeated he, drawing the green curtain as if
+to shade it from the fire, but in reality to hide the dulness the recent
+shaking had given it; "that wine," said he, "is a quarter of a century in
+bottle, at the very least."
+
+'Indeed,' observed Sponge: 'time it was drunk.'
+
+'A quarter of a century?' gaped Robert Foozle.
+
+'Quarter of a century if it's a day,' replied Jawleyford, smacking his lips
+as he set down his glass after imbibing the precious beverage.
+
+'Very fine,' observed Sponge; adding, as he sipped off his glass, 'it's odd
+to find such old wine so full-bodied.'
+
+'Well, now tell us all about your day's proceedings,' said Jawleyford,
+thinking it advisable to change the conversation at once. 'What sport had
+you with my lord?'
+
+'Oh, why, I really can't tell you much,' drawled Sponge, with an air of
+bewilderment. 'Strange country--strange faces--nobody I knew, and--'
+
+'Ah, true,' replied Jawleyford, 'true. It occurred to me after you were
+gone, that perhaps you might not know any one. Ours, you see, is rather an
+out-of-the-way country; few of our people go to town, or indeed anywhere
+else; they are all tarry-at-home birds. But they'd receive you with great
+politeness, I'm sure--if they knew you came from here, at least,' added he.
+
+Sponge was silent, and took a great gulp of the dull 'Wintle,' to save
+himself from answering.
+
+'Was my Lord Scamperdale out?' asked Jawleyford, seeing he was not going to
+get a reply.
+
+'Why, I can really hardly tell you that,' replied Sponge. 'There were two
+men out, either of whom might be him; at least, they both seemed to take
+the lead, and--and--' he was going to say 'blow up the people,' but he
+thought he might as well keep that to himself.
+
+'Stout, hale-looking men, dressed much alike, with great broad
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles on?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Just so,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Ah, you are right, then,' rejoined Jawleyford; 'it would be my lord.'
+
+'And who was the other?' inquired our friend.
+
+'Oh, that Jack Spraggon,' replied Jawleyford, curling up his nose, as if
+he was going to be sick; 'one of the most odious wretches under the sun. I
+really don't know any man that I have so great a dislike to, so utter a
+contempt for, as that Jack, as they call him.'
+
+'What is he?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Oh, just a hanger-on of his lordship's; the creature has nothing--nothing
+whatever; he lives on my lord--eats his venison, drinks his claret, rides
+his horses, bullies those his lordship doesn't like to tackle with, and
+makes himself generally useful.'
+
+'He seems a man of that sort,' observed Sponge, as he thought over the
+compliment he had received.
+
+'Well, who else had you out, then?' asked Jawleyford. 'Was Tom Washball
+there?'
+
+'No,' replied Sponge: '_he_ wasn't out, I know.'
+
+'Ah, that's unfortunate,' observed Jawleyford, helping himself and passing
+the bottle. 'Tom's a capital fellow--a perfect gentleman--great friend of
+mine. If he'd been out you'd have had nothing to do but mention my name,
+and he'd have put you all right in a minute. Who else was there, then?'
+continued he.
+
+'There was a tall man in black, on a good-looking young brown horse, rather
+rash at his fences, but a fine style of goer.'
+
+'What!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'man in drab cords and jack-boots, with the
+brim of his hat rather turning upwards?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Sponge; 'and a double ribbon for a hat-string.'
+
+'That's Master Blossomnose,' observed Jawleyford, scarcely able to contain
+his indignation. 'That's Master Blossomnose,' repeated he, taking a back
+hand at the port in the excitement of the moment. 'More to his credit if he
+were to stay at home and attend to his parish,' added Jawleyford; meaning,
+it would have been more to his credit if he had fulfilled his engagement to
+him that evening, instead of going out hunting in the morning.
+
+The two then sat silent for a time, Sponge seeing where the sore place was,
+and Robert Foozle, as usual, seeing nothing. 'Ah, well,' observed
+Jawleyford, at length breaking silence, 'it was unfortunate you went this
+morning. I did my best to prevent you--told you what a long way it was, and
+so on. However, never mind, we will put all right to-morrow. His lordship,
+I'm sure, will be most happy to see you. So help yourself,' continued he,
+passing the 'Wintle,' 'and we will drink his health and success to
+fox-hunting.'
+
+Sponge filled a bumper and drank his lordship's health, with the
+accompaniment as desired; and turning to Robert Foozle, who was doing
+likewise, said, 'Are you fond of hunting?'
+
+'Yes, I'm fond of hunting,' replied Foozle.
+
+'But you _don't_ hunt, you know, Robert,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'No, I don't hunt,' replied Robert.
+
+The 'green seal' being demolished, Jawleyford ordered a bottle of the
+'other,' attributing the slight discoloration (which he did not discover
+until they had nearly finished the bottle) to change of atmosphere in the
+outer cellar. Sponge tackled vigorously with the new-comer, which was
+better than the first; and Robert Foozle, drinking as he spoke, by pattern,
+kept filling away, much to Jawleyford's dissatisfaction, who was compelled
+to order a third. During the progress of its demolition, the host's tongue
+became considerably loosened. He talked of hunting and the charms of the
+chase--of the good fellowship it produced: and expatiated on the advantages
+it was of to the country in a national point of view, promoting as it did a
+spirit of manly enterprise, and encouraging our unrivalled breed of horses;
+both of which he looked upon as national objects, well worthy the attention
+of enlightened men like himself.
+
+Jawleyford was a great patron of the chase; and his keeper, Watson, always
+had a bag-fox ready to turn down when my lord's hounds met there.
+Jawleyford's covers were never known to be drawn blank. Though they had
+been shot in the day before, they always held a fox the next--if a fox was
+wanted.
+
+Sponge being quite at home on the subjects of horses and hunting, lauded
+all his papa-in-law's observations up to the skies; occasionally
+considering whether it would be advisable to sell him a horse, and
+thinking, if he did, whether he should let him have one of the three he had
+down, or should get old Buckram to buy some quiet screw that would stand a
+little work and yield him (Sponge) a little profit, and yet not demolish
+the great patron of English sports. The more Jawleyford drank, the more
+energetic he became, and the greater pleasure he anticipated from the meet
+of the morrow. He docked the lord, and spoke of 'Scamperdale' as an
+excellent fellow--a real, good, hearty, honest Englishman--a man that 'the
+more you knew the more you liked'; all of which was very encouraging to
+Sponge. Spigot at length appeared to read the tea and coffee riot-act, when
+Jawleyford determined not to be done out of another bottle, pointing to the
+nearly emptied decanter, said to Robert Foozle, 'I suppose you'll not take
+any more wine?' To which Robert replied, 'No, I'll not take any more wine.'
+Whereupon, pushing out his chair and throwing away his napkin, Jawleyford
+arose and led the way to the drawing-room, followed by Sponge and this
+entertaining young gentleman.
+
+A round game followed tea; which, in its turn, was succeeded by a massive
+silver tray, chiefly decorated with cold water and tumblers; and as the
+various independent clocks in the drawing-room began chiming and striking
+eleven, Mr. Jawleyford thought he would try to get rid of Foozle by asking
+him if he hadn't better stay all night.
+
+'Yes, I think I'd better stay all night,' replied Foozle.
+
+'But won't they be expecting you at home, Robert?' asked Jawleyford, not
+feeling disposed to be caught in his own trap.
+
+'Yes, they'll be expecting me at home,' replied Foozle.
+
+'Then, perhaps you had better not alarm them by staying,' suggested
+Jawleyford.
+
+'No, perhaps I'd better not alarm them by staying,' repeated Foozle.
+Whereupon they all rose, and wishing him a very good night, Jawleyford
+handed him over to Spigot, who transferred him to one footman, who passed
+him to another, to button into his leather-headed shandridan.
+
+After talking Robert over, and expatiating on the misfortune it would be to
+have such a boy, Jawleyford rang the bell for the banquet of water to be
+taken away; and ordering breakfast half-an-hour earlier than usual, our
+friends went to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+THE F.H.H. AGAIN
+
+
+Gentlemen unaccustomed to public hunting often make queer figures of
+themselves when they go out. We have seen them in all sorts of odd dresses,
+half fox-hunters half fishermen, half fox-hunters half sailors, with now
+and then a good sturdy cross of the farmer.
+
+Mr. Jawleyford was a cross between a military dandy and a squire. The
+green-and-gold Bumperkin foraging-cap, with the letters 'B.Y.C.' in front,
+was cocked jauntily on one side of his badger-pyed head, while he played
+sportively with the patent leather strap--now, toying with it on his lip,
+now dropping it below his chin, now hitching it up on to the peak. He had a
+tremendously stiff stock on--so hard that no pressure made it wrinkle, and
+so high that his pointed gills could hardly peer above it. His coat was a
+bright green cut-away--made when collars were worn very high and very
+hollow, and when waists were supposed to be about the middle of a man's
+back, Jawleyford's back buttons occupying that remarkable position. These,
+which were of dead gold with a bright rim, represented a hare full stretch
+for her life, and were the buttons of the old Muggeridge hunt--a hunt that
+had died many years ago from want of the necessary funds (80_l_.) to carry
+it on. The coat, which was single-breasted and velvet-collared, was
+extremely swallow-tailed, presenting a remarkable contrast to the
+barge-built, roomy roundabouts of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt; the
+collar rising behind, in the shape of a Gothic arch, exhibited all the
+stitchings and threadings incident to that department of the garment.
+
+But if Mr. Jawleyford's coat went to 'hare,' his waistcoat was fox and all
+'fox.' On a bright blue ground he sported such an infinity of 'heads,' that
+there is no saying that he would have been safe in a kennel of unsteady
+hounds. One thing, to be sure, was in his favour--namely, that they were
+just as much like cats' heads as foxes'. The coat and waistcoat were old
+stagers, but his nether man was encased in rhubarb-coloured tweed
+pantaloons of the newest make--a species of material extremely soft and
+comfortable to wear, but not so well adapted for roughing it across
+country. These had a broad brown stripe down the sides, and were shaped out
+over the foot of his fine French-polished paper boots, the heels of which
+were decorated with long-necked, ringing spurs. Thus attired, with a little
+silver-mounted whip which he kept flourishing about, he encountered Mr.
+Sponge in the entrance-hall, after breakfast. Mr. Sponge, like all men who
+are 'extremely natty' themselves, men who wouldn't have a button out of
+place if it was ever so, hardly knew what to think of Jawleyford's costume.
+It was clear he was no sportsman; and then came the question, whether he
+was of the privileged few who may do what they like, and who can carry off
+any kind of absurdity. Whatever uneasiness Sponge felt on that score,
+Jawleyford, however, was quite at his ease, and swaggered about like an
+aide-de-camp at a review.
+
+'Well, we should be going, I suppose,' said he, drawing on a pair of
+half-dirty, lemon-coloured kid gloves, and sabreing the air with his whip.
+
+'Is Lord Scamperdale punctual?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Tol-lol,' replied Jawleyford, 'tol-lol.'
+
+'He'll wait for _you_, I suppose?' observed Sponge, thinking to try
+Jawleyford on that infallible criterion of favour.
+
+'Why, if he knew I was coming, I dare say he would,' replied Jawleyford
+slowly and deliberately, feeling it was now no time for flashing. 'If he
+knew I was coming I dare say he would,' repeated he; 'indeed, I make no
+doubt he would: but one doesn't like putting great men out of their way;
+besides which, it's just as easy to be punctual as otherwise. When I was in
+the Bumperkin--'
+
+'But your horse is on, isn't it?' interrupted Sponge; 'he'll see your horse
+there, you know.'
+
+'Horse on, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'horse on? No, certainly
+not. How should I get there myself, if my horse was on?'
+
+'Hack, to be sure,' replied Sponge, striking a light for his cigar.
+
+'Ah, but then I should have no groom to go with me,' observed Jawleyford,
+adding, 'one must make a certain appearance, you know. But come, my dear
+Mr. Sponge,' continued he, laying hold of our hero's arm, 'let us get to
+the door, for that cigar of yours will fumigate the whole house; and Mrs.
+Jawleyford hates the smell of tobacco.'
+
+Spigot, with his attendants in livery, here put a stop to the confab by
+hurrying past, drawing the bolts, and throwing back the spacious folding
+doors, as if royalty or Daniel Lambert himself were 'coming out.'
+
+The noise they made was heard outside; and on reaching the top of the
+spacious flight of steps, Sponge's piebald in charge of a dirty village
+lad, and Jawleyford's steeds with a sky-blue groom, were seen scuttling
+under the portoco, for the owners to mount. The Jawleyford cavalry was none
+of the best; but Jawleyford was pleased with it, and that is a great thing.
+Indeed, a thing had only to be Jawleyford's, to make Jawleyford excessively
+fond of it.
+
+'There!' exclaimed he, as they reached the third step from the bottom.
+'There!' repeated he, seizing Sponge by the arm, 'that's what I call shape.
+You don't see such an animal as that every day,' pointing to a not badly
+formed, but evidently worn-out, over-knee'd bay, that stood knuckling and
+trembling for Jawleyford to mount.
+
+'One of the "has beens," I should say,' replied Sponge, puffing a cloud of
+smoke right past Jawleyford's nose; adding, 'It's a pity but you could get
+him four new legs.'
+
+'Faith, I don't see that he wants anything of the sort,' retorted
+Jawleyford, nettled as well at the smoke as the observation.
+
+'Well, where "ignorance is bliss," &c.,' replied Sponge, with another
+great puff, which nearly blinded Jawleyford. 'Get on, and let's see how he
+goes,' added he, passing on to the piebald as he spoke.
+
+Mr. Jawleyford then mounted; and having settled himself into a military
+seat, touched the old screw with the spur, and set off at a canter. The
+piebald, perhaps mistaking the portico for a booth, and thinking it was a
+good place to exhibit it, proceeded to die in the most approved form; and
+not all Sponge's 'Come-up's' or kicks could induce him to rise before he
+had gone through the whole ceremony. At length, with a mane full of gravel,
+a side well smeared, and a 'Wilkinson & Kidd' sadly scratched, the
+_ci-devant_ actor arose, much to the relief of the village lad, who having
+indulged in a gallop as he brought him from Lucksford, expected his death
+would be laid at his door. No sooner was he up, than, without waiting for
+him to shake himself, Mr. Soapey vaulted into the saddle, and seizing him
+by the head, let in the Latchfords in a style that satisfied the hack he
+was not going to canter in a circle. Away he went, best pace; for like all
+Mr. Sponge's horses, he had the knack of going, the general difficulty
+being to get them to go the way they were wanted.
+
+Sponge presently overtook Mr. Jawleyford, who had been brought up by a
+gate, which he was making sundry ineffectual Briggs-like passes and efforts
+to open; the gate and his horse seeming to have combined to prevent his
+getting through. Though an expert swordsman, he had never been able to
+accomplish, the art of opening a gate, especially one of those gingerly
+balanced spring-snecked things that require to be taken at the nick of
+time, or else they drop just as the horse gets his nose to them.
+
+'Why aren't you here to open the gate?' asked Jawleyford, snappishly, as
+the blue boy bustled up as his master's efforts became more hopeless at
+each attempt.
+
+The lad, like a wise fellow, dropped from his horse, and opening it with
+his hands, ran it back on foot.
+
+Jawleyford and Sponge then rode through.
+
+Canter, canter, canter, went Jawleyford, with an arm akimbo, head well up,
+legs well down, toes well pointed, as if he were going to a race, where his
+work would end on arriving, instead of to a fox-hunt, where it would only
+begin.
+
+[Illustration: JAWLEYFORD GOING TO THE HUNT]
+
+'You are rather hard on the old nag, aren't you?' at length asked Sponge,
+as, having cleared the rushy, swampy park, they came upon the macadamized
+turnpike, and Jawleyford selected the middle of it as the scene of his
+further progression.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Jawleyford, tit-tup-ing along with a loose rein, as if he
+was on the soundest, freshest-legged horse in the world; 'oh no! my horses
+are used to it.' 'Well, but if you mean to hunt him,' observed Sponge,
+'he'll be blown before he gets to cover.'
+
+'Get him in wind, my dear fellow,' replied Jawleyford, 'get him in wind,'
+touching the horse with the spur as he spoke.
+
+'Faith, but if he was as well on his legs as he is in his wind, he'd not be
+amiss,' rejoined Sponge.
+
+So they cantered and trotted, and trotted and cantered away, Sponge
+thinking he could afford pace as well as Jawleyford. Indeed, a horse has
+only to become a hack, to be able to do double the work he was ever
+supposed to be capable of.
+
+But to the meet.
+
+Scrambleford Green was a small straggling village on the top of a somewhat
+high hill, that divided the vale in which Jawleyford Court was situated
+from the more fertile one of Farthinghoe, in which Lord Scamperdale lived.
+
+It was one of those out-of-the-way places at which the meet of the hounds,
+and a love feast or fair, consisting of two fiddlers (one for each
+public-house), a few unlicensed packmen, three or four gingerbread stalls,
+a drove of cows and some sheep, form the great events of the year among a
+people who are thoroughly happy and contented with that amount of gaiety.
+Think of that, you 'used up' young gentlemen of twenty, who have exhausted
+the pleasures of the world! The hounds did not come to Scrambleford Green
+often, for it was not a favourite meet; and when they did come, Frosty and
+the men generally had them pretty much to themselves. This day, however,
+was the exception; and Old Tom Yarnley, whom age had bent nearly double,
+and who hobbled along on two sticks, declared that never in the course of
+his recollection, a period extending over the best part of a century, had
+he seen such a 'sight of red coats' as mustered that morning at
+Scrambleford Green. It seemed as if there had been a sudden rising of
+sportsmen. What brought them all out? What brought Mr. Puffington, the
+master of the Hanby hounds, out? What brought Blossomnose again? What Mr.
+Wake, Mr. Fossick, Mr. Fyle, who had all been out the day before? Reader,
+the news had spread throughout the country that there was a great writer
+down; and they wanted to see what he would say of them--they had come to
+sit for their portraits, in fact. There was a great gathering, at least for
+the Flat Hat Hunt, who seldom mustered above a dozen. Tom Washball came, in
+a fine new coat and new flat-fliped hat with a broad binding; also Mr.
+Sparks, of Spark Hall; Major Mark; Mr. Archer, of Cheam Lodge; Mr. Reeves,
+of Coxwell Green; Mr. Bliss, of Boltonshaw; Mr. Joyce, of Ebstone; Dr.
+Capon, of Calcot; Mr. Dribble, of Hook; Mr. Slade, of Three-Burrow Hill;
+and several others. Great was the astonishment of each as the other cast
+up.
+
+'Why, here's Joe Reeves!' exclaimed Blossomnose. 'Who'd have thought of
+seeing you?'
+
+'And who'd have thought of seeing _you_?' rejoined Reeves, shaking hands
+with the jolly old nose.
+
+'Here's Tom Washball in time for once, I declare!' exclaimed Mr. Fyle, as
+Mr. Washball cantered up in apple-pie order.
+
+'Wonders will never cease!' observed Fossick, looking Washy over.
+
+So the field sat in a ring about the hounds in the centre of which, as
+usual, were Jack and Lord Scamperdale, looking with their great
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles, and short grey whiskers trimmed in a
+curve up to their noses, like a couple of horned owls in hats.
+
+'Here's the man on the cow!' exclaimed Jack, as he espied Sponge and
+Jawleyford rising the hill together, easing their horses by standing in
+their stirrups and holding on by their manes.
+
+'You don't say so!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, turning his horse in the
+direction Jack was looking, and staring for hard life too. 'So there is, I
+declare!' observed he.' And who the deuce is this with him?'
+
+'That ass Jawleyford, as I live!' exclaimed Jack, as the blue-coated
+servant now hove in sight.
+
+'So it is!' said Lord Scamperdale; 'the confounded humbug!'
+
+'This boy'll be after one of the young ladies,' observed Jack; 'not one of
+the writing chaps we thought he was.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Lord Scamperdale; adding, in an undertone, 'I
+vote we have a rise out of old Jaw. I'll let you in for a good thing--you
+shall dine with him.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Jack.
+
+'You _shall_, though,' replied his lordship firmly.
+
+'Pray don't!' entreated Jack.
+
+'By the powers, if you don't,' rejoined his lordship, 'you shall not have a
+mount out of me for a month.'
+
+While this conversation was going on, Jawleyford and Sponge, having risen
+the hill, had resumed their seats in the saddle, and Jawleyford, setting
+himself in attitude, tickled his horse with his spur, and proceeded to
+canter becomingly up to the pack; Sponge and the groom following a little
+behind.
+
+'Ah, Jawleyford, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, putting his
+horse on a few steps to meet him as he came flourishing up. 'Ah,
+Jawleyford, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to see you,' extending a hand as
+he spoke. 'Jack, here, told me that he saw your flag flying as he passed,
+and I said what a pity it was but I'd known before; for Jawleyford, said I,
+is a real good fellow, one of the best fellows I know, and has asked me to
+dine so often that I'm almost ashamed to meet him; and it would have been
+such a nice opportunity to have volunteered a visit, the hounds being here,
+you see.'
+
+'Oh, that's so kind of your lordship!' exclaimed Jawleyford, quite
+delighted--'that's so kind of your lordship--that's just what I
+like!--that's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes!--that's just what we all
+like!--coming without fuss or ceremony, just as my friend Mr. Sponge, here,
+does. By the way, will your lordship give me leave to introduce my friend
+Mr. Sponge--my Lord Scamperdale.' Jawleyford suiting the action to the
+word, and manoeuvring the ceremony.
+
+'Ah, I made Mr. Sponge's acquaintance yesterday,' observed his lordship
+drily, giving a sort of servants' touch of his hat as he scrutinized our
+friend through his formidable glasses, adding, 'To tell you the truth,'
+addressing himself in an underone to Sponge, 'I took you for one of those
+nasty writing chaps, who I 'bominate. But,' continued his lordship,
+returning to Jawleyford. 'I'll tell you what I said about the dinner. Jack,
+here, told me the flag was flying; and I said I only wished I'd known
+before, and I would certainly have proposed that Jack and I should dine
+with you, either to-day or to-morrow; but unfortunately I'd engaged myself
+to my Lord Barker's not five minutes before.'
+
+'Ah, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford, throwing out his hand and shrugging
+his shoulders as if in despair, 'you tantalize me--you do indeed. You
+should have come, or said nothing about it. You distress me--you do
+indeed.'
+
+'Well, I'm wrong, perhaps,' replied his lordship, patting Jawleyford
+encouragingly on the shoulder; 'but, however, I'll tell you what,' said he,
+'Jack here's not engaged, and he shall come to you.'
+
+'Most happy to see Mr.--ha--hum--haw--Jack--that's to say, Mr. Spraggon,'
+replied Jawleyford, bowing very low, and laying his hand on his heart, as
+if quite overpowered at the idea of the honour.
+
+'Then, that's a bargain, Jack,' said his lordship, looking knowingly round
+at his much disconcerted friend; 'you dine and stay all night at Jawleyford
+Court to-morrow! and mind,' added he, 'make yourself 'greeable to the
+girls--ladies, that's to say.'
+
+'Couldn't your lordship arrange it so that we might have the pleasure of
+seeing you both on some future day?' asked Jawleyford, anxious to avert the
+Jack calamity. 'Say next week,' continued he; 'or suppose you meet at the
+Court?'
+
+'Ha--he--hum. Meet at the Court,' mumbled his lordship--'meet at the
+Court--ha--he--ha--hum--no;--got no foxes.'
+
+'Plenty of foxes, I assure you, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford. 'Plenty of
+foxes!' repeated he.
+
+'We never find them, then, somehow,' observed his lordship, drily; 'at
+least, none but those three-legged beggars in the laurels at the back of
+the stables.'
+
+'Ah! that will be the fault of the hounds,' replied Jawleyford; 'they don't
+take sufficient time to draw--run through the covers too quickly.'
+
+'Fault of the hounds be hanged!' exclaimed Jack, who was the champion of
+the pack generally. 'There's not a more patient, painstaking pack in the
+world than his lordship's.'
+
+'Ah--well--ah--never mind that,' replied his lordship, 'Jaw and you can
+settle that point over your wine to-morrow; meanwhile, if your friend Mr.
+What's-his-name here, 'll get his horse,' continued his lordship,
+addressing himself to Jawleyford, but looking at Sponge, who was still on
+the piebald, 'we'll throw off.'
+
+'Thank you, my lord,' replied Sponge; 'but I'll mount at the cover side.
+Sponge not being inclined to let the Flat Hat Hunt field see the difference
+of opinion that occasionally existed between the gallant brown and himself.
+
+'As you please,' rejoined his lordship, 'as you please,' jerking his head
+at Frostyface, who forthwith gave the office to the hounds; whereupon all
+was commotion. Away the cavalcade went, and in less than five minutes the
+late bustling village resumed its wonted quiet; the old man on sticks, two
+crones gossiping at a door, a rag-or-anything-else-gatherer going about
+with a donkey, and a parcel of dirty children tumbling about on the green,
+being all that remained on the scene. All the able-bodied men had followed
+the hounds. Why the hounds had ever climbed the long hill seemed a mystery,
+seeing that they returned the way they came.
+
+Jawleyford, though sore disconcerted at having 'Jack' pawned upon him,
+stuck to my lord, and rode on his right with the air of a general. He felt
+he was doing his duty as an Englishman in thus patronizing the
+hounds--encouraging a manly spirit of independence, and promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses. The post-boy trot at which hounds travel, to be
+sure, is not well adapted for dignity; but Jawleyford nourished and
+vapoured as well as he could under the circumstances, and considering they
+were going down hill. Lord Scamperdale rode along, laughing in his sleeve
+at the idea of the pleasant evening Jack and Jawleyford would have
+together, occasionally complimenting Jawleyford on the cut and condition of
+his horse, and advising him to be careful of the switching raspers with
+which the country abounded, and which might be fatal to his nice
+nutmeg--coloured trousers. The rest of the 'field' followed, the fall of
+the ground enabling them to see 'how thick Jawleyford was with my lord.'
+Old Blossomnose, who, we should observe, had slipped away unperceived on
+Jawleyford's arrival, took a bird's-eye view from the rear. Naughty Blossom
+was riding the horse that ought to have gone in the 'chay' to Jawleyford
+Court.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+THE GREAT RUN
+
+
+Our hero having inveigled the brown under lee of an out-house as the field
+moved along, was fortunate enough to achieve the saddle without disclosing
+the secrets of the stable; and as he rejoined the throng in all the pride
+of shape, action, and condition, even the top-sawyers, Fossick, Fyle,
+Bliss, and others, admitted that Hercules was not a bad-like horse; while
+the humbler-minded ones eyed Sponge with a mixture of awe and envy,
+thinking what a fine trade literature must be to stand such a horse.
+
+'Is your friend What's-his-name, a workman?' asked Lord Scamperdale,
+nodding towards Sponge as he trotted Hercules gently past on the turf by
+the side of the road along which they were riding.
+
+'Oh no,' replied Jawleyford tartly. 'Oh no--gentleman, man of property--'
+
+'I did not mean was he a mechanic,' explained his lordship drily, 'but a
+workman; a good 'un across country, in fact.' His lordship working his arms
+as if he was going to set-to himself.
+
+'Oh, a first-rate man!--first-rate man!' replied Jawleyford; 'beat them all
+at Laverick Wells.'
+
+'I thought so,' observed his lordship; adding to himself, 'then Jack shall
+take the conceit out of him.'
+
+'Jack!' halloaed he over his shoulder to his friend, who was jogging a
+little behind; 'Jack!' repeated he, 'that Mr. Something--'
+
+'_Sponge_!' observed Jawleyford, with an emphasis.
+
+'That Mr. Sponge,' continued his lordship, 'is a stranger in the country:
+have the kindness to take _care_ of him. You know what I mean?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Jack; 'I'll take care of him.'
+
+'Most polite of your lordship, I'm sure,' said Jawleyford, with a low bow,
+and laying his hand on his breast. 'I can assure you I shall never forget
+the marked attention I have received from your lordship this day.'
+
+'Thank you for nothing,' grunted his lordship to himself.
+
+Bump, bump; trot, trot; jabber, jabber, on they went as before.
+
+They had now got to the cover, Tickler Gorse, and ere the last horsemen had
+reached the last angle of the long hill, Frostyface was rolling about on
+foot in the luxuriant evergreen; now wholly visible, now all but overhead,
+like a man buffeting among the waves of the sea. Save Frosty's cheery voice
+encouraging the invisible pack to 'wind him!' and 'rout him out!' an
+injunction that the shaking of the gorse showed they willingly obeyed, and
+an occasional exclamation from Jawleyford, of 'Beautiful! beautiful!--never
+saw better hounds!--can't be a finer pack!' not a sound disturbed the
+stillness of the scene. The waggoners on the road stopped their wains, the
+late noisy ploughmen leaned vacantly on their stilts, the turnip-pullers
+stood erect in air, and the shepherds' boys deserted the bleating
+flocks;--all was life and joy and liberty--'Liberty, equality, and
+foxhunt-ity!'
+
+'Yo--i--cks, wind him! Y--o--o--icks! rout him out!' went Frosty;
+occasionally varying the entertainment with a loud crack of his heavy whip,
+when he could get upon a piece of rising ground to clear the thong.
+
+'Tally-ho!' screamed Jawleyford, hoisting the Bumperkin Yeomanry cap in the
+air. 'Tally-ho!' repeated he, looking triumphantly round, as much as to
+say, 'What a clever boy am I!'
+
+'Hold your noise!' roared Jack, who was posted a little below. 'Don't you
+see it's a hare?' added he, amidst the uproarious mirth of the company.
+
+'I haven't your great staring specs on, or I should have seen he hadn't a
+tail,' retorted Jawleyford, nettled at the tone in which Jack had addressed
+him.
+
+'Tail be--!' replied Jack, with a sneer; 'who but a tailor would call it a
+tail?'
+
+Just then a light low squeak of a whimper was heard in the thickest part of
+the gorse, and Frostyface cheered the hound to the echo. 'Hoick to,
+Pillager! H--o--o--ick!' screamed he, in a long-drawn note, that thrilled
+through every frame, and set the horses a-capering.
+
+Ere Frosty's prolonged screech was fairly finished, there was such an
+outburst of melody, and such a shaking of the gorse-bushes, as plainly
+showed there was no safety for Reynard in cover; and great was the bustle
+and commotion among the horsemen. Mr. Fossick lowered his hat-string and
+ran the fox's tooth through the buttonhole; Fyle drew his girths; Washball
+took a long swig at his hunting-horn-shaped monkey; Major Mark and Mr.
+Archer threw away their cigar ends; Mr. Bliss drew on his dogskin gloves;
+Mr. Wake rolled the thong of his whip round the stick, to be better able to
+encounter his puller; Mr. Sparks got a yokel to take up a link of his curb;
+George Smith and Joe Smith looked at their watches; Sandy McGregor, the
+factor, filled his great Scotch nose with Irish snuff, exclaiming, as he
+dismissed the balance from his fingers by a knock against his thigh, 'Oh,
+my mon, aw think this tod will gie us a ran!' while Blossomnose might be
+seen stealing gently forward, on the far side of a thick fence, for the
+double purpose of shirking Jawleyford and getting a good start.
+
+In the midst of these and similar preparations for the fray, up went a
+whip's cap at the low end of the cover; and a volley of 'Tallyhos' burst
+from our friends, as the fox, whisking his white-tipped brush in the air,
+was seen stealing away over the grassy hill beyond. What a commotion was
+there! How pale some looked! How happy others!
+
+'Sing out, Jack! for heaven's sake, sing out!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale;
+an enthusiastic sportsman, always as eager for a run as if he had never
+seen one. 'Sing out, Jack; or, by Jove, they'll override 'em at starting!'
+
+'HOLD HARD, gentlemen,' roared Jack, clapping spurs into his grey,
+or rather, into his lordship's grey, dashing in front, and drawing the
+horse across the road to stop the progression of the field. 'HOLD
+HARD, _one minute_!' repeated Jack, standing erect in his stirrups,
+and menacing them with his whip (a most formidable one). 'Whatever you do,
+_pray_ let them get away! _Pray_ don't spoil your own sport! Pray remember
+they're his lordship's hounds!--that they cost him five-and-twenty
+under'd--two thousand five under'd a year! And where, let me ax, with wheat
+down to nothing, would you get another, if he was to throw up?'
+
+As Jack made this inquiry, he took a hurried glance at the now pouring-out
+pack; and seeing they were safe away, he wiped the foam from his mouth on
+his sleeve, dropped into his saddle, and, catching his horse short round by
+the head, clapped spurs into his sides, and galloped away, exclaiming:
+
+'Now, ye tinkers, we'll all start fair!'
+
+Then there was such a scrimmage! such jostling and elbowing among the
+jealous ones; such ramming and cramming among the eager ones; such
+pardon-begging among the polite ones; such spurting of ponies, such
+clambering of cart-horses. All were bent on going as far as they could--all
+except Jawleyford, who sat curvetting and prancing in the patronizing sort
+of way gentlemen do who encourage hounds for the sake of the manly spirit
+the sport engenders, and the advantage hunting is of in promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses.
+
+His lordship having slipped away, horn in hand, under pretence of blowing
+the hounds out of cover, as soon as he set Jack at the field, had now got a
+good start, and, horse well in hand, was sailing away in their wake.
+
+'F-o-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Frostyface, coming up alongside of him, holding
+his horse--a magnificent thoroughbred bay--well by the head, and settling
+himself into his saddle as he went.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship, thrusting his spectacles on to his
+nose.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the huntsman's deep-sounding horn.
+
+'T'weet--t'weet--t'weet,' went his lordship's shriller one.
+
+'In for a stinger, my lurd,' observed Jack, returning his horn to the case.
+
+'Hope so,' replied his lordship, pocketing his.
+
+They then flew the first fence together.
+
+'F-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Jack in the air, as he saw the hounds packing well
+together, and racing with a breast-high scent.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screamed his lordship, who was a sort of echo to his
+huntsman, just as Jack Spraggon was echo to his lordship.
+
+'He's away for Gunnersby Craigs,' observed Jack, pointing that way, for
+they were a good ten miles off.
+
+'Hope so,' replied his lordship, for whom the distance could never be too
+great, provided the pace corresponded.
+
+'F-o-o-r-rard!' screamed Jack.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship.
+
+So they went flying and 'forrarding' together; none of the field--thanks to
+Jack Spraggon--being able to overtake them.
+
+'Y-o-o-nder he goes!' at last cried Frosty, taking off his cap as he viewed
+the fox, some half-mile ahead, stealing away round the side of Newington
+Hill.
+
+'Tallyho!' screeched his lordship, riding with his flat hat in the air, by
+way of exciting the striving field to still further exertion.
+
+'He's a good 'un!' exclaimed Frosty, eyeing the fox's going.
+
+'He is that!' replied his lordship, staring at him with all his might.
+
+Then they rode on, and were presently rounding Newington Hill themselves,
+the hounds packing well together, and carrying a famous head.
+
+His lordship now looked to see what was going on behind.
+
+Scrambleford Hill was far in the rear. Jawleyford and the boy in blue were
+altogether lost in the distance. A quarter of a mile or so this way were a
+couple of dots of horsemen, one on a white, the other on a dark
+colour--most likely Jones, the keeper, and Farmer Stubble, on the foaly
+mare. Then, a little nearer, was a man in a hedge, trying to coax his horse
+after him, stopping the way of two boys in white trousers, whose ponies
+looked like rats. Again, a little nearer, were some of the persevering
+ones--men who still hold on in the forlorn hopes of a check--all
+dark-coated, and mostly trousered. Then came the last of the red-coats--Tom
+Washball, Charley Joyce, and Sam Sloman, riding well in the first flight of
+second horsemen--his lordship's pad-groom, Mr. Fossick's man in drab with a
+green collar, Mr. Wake's in blue, also a lad in scarlet and a flat hat,
+with a second horse for the huntsman. Drawing still nearer came the
+ruck--men in red, men in brown, men in livery, a farmer or two in fustian,
+all mingled together; and a few hundred yards before these, and close upon
+his lordship, were the _élite_ of the field--five men in scarlet and one in
+black. Let us see who they are. By the powers, Mr. Sponge is first!--Sponge
+sailing away at his ease, followed by Jack, who is staring at him through
+his great lamps, longing to launch out at him, but as yet wanting an
+excuse; Sponge having ridden with judgement--judgement, at least, in
+everything except in having taken the lead of Jack. After Jack comes old
+black-booted Blossomnose; and Messrs. Wake, Fossick, and Fyle, complete our
+complement of five. They are all riding steadily and well; all very irate,
+however, at the stranger for going before them, and ready to back Jack in
+anything he may say or do.
+
+On, on they go; the hounds still pressing forward, though not carrying
+quite so good a head as before. In truth, they have run four miles in
+twenty minutes; pretty good going anywhere except upon paper, where they
+always go unnaturally fast. However, there they are, still pressing on,
+though with considerably less music than before.
+
+After rounding Newington Hill, they got into a wilder and worse sort of
+country, among moorish, ill-cultivated land, with cold unwholesome-looking
+fallows. The day, too, seemed changing for the worse; a heavy black cloud
+hanging overhead. The hounds were at length brought to their noses.
+
+His lordship, who had been riding all eyes, ears, and fears, foresaw the
+probability of this; and pulling-to his horse, held up his hand, the usual
+signal for Jack to 'sing out' and stop the field. Sponge saw the signal,
+but, unfortunately, Hercules didn't; and tearing along with his head to the
+ground, resolutely bore our friend not only past his lordship, but right on
+to where the now stooping pack were barely feathering on the line.
+
+Then Jack and his lordship sang out together.
+
+'_Hold hard!_' screeched his lordship, in a dreadful state of excitement.
+
+'HOLD HARD!' thundered Jack.
+
+Sponge _was_ holding hard--hard enough to split the horse's jaws, but the
+beast would go on, notwithstanding.
+
+'By the powers, he's among 'em again!' shouted his lordship, as the
+resolute beast, with his upturned head almost pulled round to Sponge's
+knee, went star-gazing on like the blind man in Regent Street. 'Sing out
+Jack! sing out! for heaven's sake sing out,' shrieked his lordship,
+shutting his eyes, as he added, 'or he'll kill every man jack of them.'
+
+'NOW, SUR!' roared Jack, 'can't you steer that 'ere aggravatin'
+quadruped of yours?'
+
+'Oh, you pestilential son of a pontry-maid!' screeched his lordship, as
+Brilliant ran yelping away from under Sponge's horse's feet. 'Sing out,
+Jack! sing out!' gasped his lordship again.
+
+'Oh, you scandalous, hypocritical, rusty-booted, numb-handed son of a
+puffing corn-cutter, why don't you turn your attention to feeding hens,
+cultivating cabbages, or making pantaloons for small folk, instead of
+killing hounds in this wholesale way?' roared Jack; an inquiry that set him
+foaming again.
+
+'Oh, you unsightly, sanctified, idolatrous, Bagnigge-Wells coppersmith, you
+think because I'm a lord, and can't swear or use coarse language, that you
+may do what you like; rot you, sir, I'll present you with a testimonial!
+I'll settle a hundred a year upon you if you'll quit the country. By the
+powers, they're away again!' added his lordship, who, with one eye on
+Sponge and the other on the pack, had been watching Frosty lifting them
+over the bad scenting-ground, till, holding them on to a hedgerow beyond,
+they struck the scent on good sound pasture, and went away at score, every
+hound throwing his tongue, and filling the air with joyful melody. Away
+they swept like a hurricane. 'F-o-o-rard!' was again the cry.
+
+'Hang it, Jack,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, laying his hand on his
+_double's_ shoulder, as they galloped alongside of each other, 'Hang it,
+Jack, see if you can't sarve out this unrighteous, mahogany-booted,
+rattle-snake. _Do_ if you die for it!--I'll bury your remainders
+genteelly--patent coffin with brass nails, all to yourself--put Frosty and
+all the fellows in black, and raise a white marble monument to your memory,
+declaring you were the most spotless virtuous man under the sun.'
+
+'Let me off dining with Jaw, and I'll do my best,' replied Jack.
+
+'Done!' screamed his lordship, flourishing his right arm in the air, as he
+flew over a great stone wall.
+
+A good many of the horses and sportsmen too had had enough before the
+hounds checked; and the quick way Frosty lifted them and hit off the scent,
+did not give them much time to recruit. Many of them now sat hat in hand,
+mopping, and puffing, and turning their red perspiring faces to the wind.
+'Poough,' gasped one, as if he was going to be sick; 'Puff,' went another;
+'Oh! but it's 'ot!' exclaimed a third, pulling off his limp neckcloth;
+'Wonder if there's any ale hereabouts,' cried a fourth; 'Terrible run!'
+observed a fifth; 'Ten miles at least,' gasped another. Meanwhile the
+hounds went streaming on; and it is wonderful how soon those who don't
+follow are left hopelessly in the rear.
+
+Of the few that did follow, Mr. Sponge, however, was one. Nothing daunted
+by the compliments that had been paid him, he got Hercules well in hand;
+and the horse dropping again on the bit, resumed his place in front, going
+as strong and steadily as ever. Thus he went, throwing the mud in the
+faces of those behind, regardless of the oaths and imprecations that
+followed; Sponge knowing full well they would do the same by him if they
+could.
+
+'All jealousy,' said Sponge, spurring his horse. 'Never saw such a jealous
+set of dogs in my life.'
+
+An accommodating lane soon presented itself, along which they all pounded,
+with the hounds running parallel through the enclosures on the left; Sponge
+sending such volleys of pebbles and mud in his rear as made it advisable to
+keep a good way behind him. The line was now apparently for Firlingham
+Woods; but on nearing the thatched cottage on Gasper Heath, the fox, most
+likely being headed, had turned short to the right; and the chase now lay
+over Sheeplow Water meadows, and so on to Bolsover brick-fields, when the
+pack again changed from hunting to racing, and the pace for a time was
+severe. His lordship having got his second horse at the turn, was ready for
+the tussle, and plied away vigorously, riding, as usual, with all his
+heart, with all his mind, with all his soul, and with all his strength;
+while Jack, still on the grey, came plodding diligently along in the rear,
+saving his horse as much as he could. His lordship charged a stiff flight
+of rails in the brick-fields; while Jack, thinking to save his, rode at a
+weak place in the fence, a little higher up, and in an instant was soused
+overhead in a clay-hole.
+
+'Duck under, Jack! duck under!' screamed his lordship, as Jack's head rose
+to the surface. 'Duck under! you'll have it full directly!' added he,
+eyeing Sponge and the rest coming up.
+
+Sponge, however, saw the splash, and turning a little lower down, landed
+safe on sound ground; while poor Blossomnose, who was next, went
+floundering overhead also. But the pace was too good to stop to fish them
+out.
+
+'Dash it,' said Sponge, looking at them splashing about, 'but that was a
+near go for me!'
+
+Jack being thus disposed of, Sponge, with increased confidence, rose in his
+stirrups, easing the redoubtable Hercules; and patting him on the shoulder,
+at the same time that he gave him the gentlest possible touch of the spur,
+exclaimed, 'By the powers, we'll show these old Flat Hats the trick!' He
+then commenced humming:
+
+    Mister Sponge, the raspers taking,
+    Sets the junkers' nerves a shaking;
+
+and riding cheerfully on, he at length found himself on the confines of a
+wild rough-looking moor, with an undulating range of hills in the distance.
+
+Frostyface and Lord Scamperdale here for the first time diverged from the
+line the hounds were running, and made for the neck of a smooth, flat,
+rather inviting-looking piece of ground, instead of crossing it, Sponge,
+thinking to get a niche, rode to it; and the 'deeper and deeper still' sort
+of flounder his horse made soon let him know that he was in a bog. The
+impetuous Hercules rushed and reared onwards as if to clear the wide
+expanse; and alighting still lower, shot Sponge right overhead in the
+middle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'_That's_ cooked _your_ goose!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing Sponge and
+his horse floundering about in the black porridge-like mess.
+
+'Catch my horse!' hallooed Sponge to the first whip, who came galloping up
+as Hercules was breasting his way out again.
+
+'Catch him yourself,' grunted the man, galloping on.
+
+A peat-cutter, more humane, received the horse as he emerged from the black
+sea, exclaiming, as the now-piebald Sponge came lobbing after on foot, 'A,
+sir! but ye should niver set tee to ride through sic a place as that!'
+
+Sponge, having generously rewarded the man with a fourpenny piece, for
+catching his horse and scraping the thick of the mud off him, again
+mounted, and cantered round the point he should at first have gone; but his
+chance was out--the farther he went, the farther he was left behind; till
+at last, pulling up, he stood watching the diminishing pack, rolling like
+marbles over the top of Rotherjade Hill, followed by his lordship hugging
+his horse round the neck as he went, and the huntsman and whips leading and
+driving theirs up before them.
+
+'Nasty jealous old beggar!' said Sponge, eyeing his lessening lordship
+disappearing over the hill too. Sponge then performed the sickening
+ceremony of turning away from hounds running; not but that he might have
+plodded on on the line, and perhaps seen or heard what became of the fox,
+but Sponge didn't hunt on those terms. Like a good many other gentlemen, he
+would be first, or nowhere.
+
+If it was any consolation to him, he had plenty of companions in
+misfortune. The line was dotted with horsemen back to the brick-fields. The
+first person he overtook wending his way home in the discontented, moody
+humour of a thrown-out man, was Mr. Puffington master of the Hanby hounds;
+at whose appearance at the meet we expressed our surprise.
+
+Neighbouring masters of hounds are often more or less jealous of each
+other. No man in the master-of-hound world is too insignificant for
+censure. Lord Scamperdale _was_ an undoubted sportsman; while poor Mr.
+Puffington thought of nothing but how to be thought one. Hearing the
+mistaken rumour that a great writer was down, he thought that his chance of
+immortality was arrived; and, ordering his best horse, and putting on his
+best apparel, had braved the jibes and sneers of Jack and his lordship for
+the purpose of scraping acquaintance with the stranger. In that he had been
+foiled: there was no time at the meet to get introduced, neither could he
+get jostled beside Sponge in going down to the cover; while the quick find,
+the quick get away, followed by the quick thing we have described, were
+equally unfavourable to the undertaking. Nevertheless, Mr. Puffington had
+held on beyond the brick-fields; and had he but persevered a little
+farther, he would have had the satisfaction of helping Mr. Sponge out of
+the bog.
+
+Sponge now, seeing a red coat a little before, trotted on, and quickly
+overtook a fine nippy, satin-stocked, dandified looking gentleman, with
+marvellously smart leathers and boots--a great contrast to the large,
+roomy, bargemanlike costume of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt.
+
+'You're not hurt, I hope?' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, with well-feigned
+anxiety, as he looked at Mr. Sponge's black-daubed clothes.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Sponge. 'Oh no!--fell soft--fell soft. More dirt, less
+hurt--more dirt, less hurt.'
+
+'Why, you've been in a bog!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, eyeing the
+much-stained Hercules.
+
+'Almost over head,' replied Sponge. 'Scamperdale saw me going, and hadn't
+the grace to halloa.'
+
+'Ah, that's like him,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'that's like him: there's
+nothing pleases him so much as getting fellows into grief.'
+
+'Not very polite to a stranger,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'No, it isn't,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'no, it isn't; far from it
+indeed--far from it; but, low be it spoken,' added he, 'his lordship is
+only a roughish sort of customer.'
+
+'So he is,' replied Mr. Sponge, who thought it fine to abuse a nobleman.
+
+'The fact is,' said Mr. Puffington, 'these Flat Hat chaps are all snobs.
+They think there are no such fine fellows as themselves under the sun; and
+if ever a stranger looks near them, they make a point of being as rude and
+disagreeable to him as they possibly can. This is what they call keeping
+the hunt select.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, recollecting how they had complimented
+him, adding, 'they seem a queer set.'
+
+'There's a fellow they call "Jack,"' observed Mr. Puffington, 'who acts as
+a sort of bulldog to his lordship, and worries whoever his lordship sets
+him upon. He got into a clay-hole a little farther back, and a precious
+splashing he was making, along with the chaplain, old Blossomnose.'
+
+'Ah, I saw him,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'You should come and see _my_ hounds,' observed Mr. Puffington.
+
+'What are they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The Hanby,' replied Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Oh! then you are Mr. Puffington,' observed Sponge, who had a sort of
+general acquaintance with all the hounds and masters--indeed, with all the
+meets of all the hounds in the kingdom--which he read in the weekly lists
+in _Bell's Life_, just as he read _Mogg's Cab Fares_. 'Then you are Mr.
+Puffington?' observed Sponge.
+
+'The same,' replied the stranger.
+
+'I'll have a look at you,' observed Sponge, adding, 'do you take in
+horses?'
+
+'Yours, of course,' replied Mr. Puffington, bowing; adding something about
+great public characters, which Sponge didn't understand.
+
+'I'll be down upon you, as the extinguisher said to the rushlight,'
+observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Do,' said Mr. Puffington; 'come before the frost. Where are you staying
+now?'
+
+'I'm at Jawleyford's,' replied our friend.
+
+'Indeed!--Jawleyford's, are you?' repeated Mr. Puffington. 'Good fellow,
+Jawleyford--gentleman, Jawleyford. How long do you stay?'
+
+'Why, I haven't made up my mind,' replied Sponge. 'Have no thoughts of
+budging at present.'
+
+'Ah, well--good quarters,' said Mr. Puffington, who now smelt a rat; 'good
+quarters--nice girls--fine fortune--fine place, Jawleyford Court. Well,
+book me for the next visit,' added he. 'I will,' said Sponge, 'and no
+mistake. What do they call your shop?'
+
+'Hanby House,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'Hanby House--anybody can tell you
+where Hanby House is.'
+
+'I'll not forget,' said Mr. Sponge, booking it in his mind, and eyeing his
+victim.
+
+'I'll show you a fine pack of hounds,' said Mr. Puffington; 'far finer
+animals than those of old Scamperdale's--steady, true hunting hounds, that
+won't go a yard without a scent--none of your jealous, flashy, frantic
+devils, that will tear over half a township without one, and are always
+looking out for "halloas" and assistance--'
+
+Mr. Puffington was interrupted in the comparison he was about to draw
+between his lordship's hounds and his, by arriving at the Bolsover
+brick-fields, and seeing Jack and Blossomnose, horse in hand, running to
+and fro, while sundry countrymen blobbed about in the clay-hole they had so
+recently occupied. Tom Washball, Mr. Wake, Mr. Fyle, Mr. Fossick, and
+several dark-coated horsemen and boys were congregated around. Jack had
+lost his spectacles, and Blossomnose his whip, and the countrymen were
+diving for them.
+
+'Not hurt, I hope?' said Mr. Puffington, in the most dandified tone of
+indifference, as he rode up to where Jack and Blossomnose were churning the
+water in their boots, stamping up and down, trying to get themselves warm.
+
+'Hurt be hanged!' replied Jack, who had a frightful squint, that turned his
+eyes inside out when he was in a passion: 'hurt be hanged!' said he; 'might
+have been drownded, for anything you'd have cared.'
+
+'I should have been sorry for that,' replied Mr. Puffington, adding, 'the
+Flat Hat Hunt could ill afford to lose so useful and ornamental a member.'
+
+'I don't know what the Flat Hat Hunt can afford to lose,' spluttered Jack,
+who hadn't got all the clay out of his mouth; 'but I know they can afford
+to do without the company of certain gentlemen who shall be nameless,' said
+he, looking at Sponge and Puffington as he thought, but in reality showing
+nothing but the whites of his eyes. 'I told you so,' said Puffington,
+jerking his head towards Jack, as Sponge and he turned their horses' heads
+to ride away; 'I told you so,' repeated he; 'that's a specimen of their
+style'; adding, 'they are the greatest set of ruffians under the sun.'
+
+The new acquaintances then jogged on together as far as the cross-roads at
+Stewley, when Puffington, having bound Sponge in his own recognizance to
+come to him when he left Jawleyford Court, pointed him out his way, and
+with a most hearty shake of the hands the new-made friends parted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+LORD SCAMPERDALE AT HOME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We fear our fair friends will expect something gay from the above
+heading--lamps and flambeaux outside, fiddlers, feathers, and flirters in.
+Nothing of the sort, fair ladies--nothing of the sort. Lord Scamperdale 'at
+home' simply means that his lordship was not out hunting, that he had got
+his dirty boots and breeches off, and dry tweeds and tartans on.
+
+Lord Scamperdale was the eighth earl; and, according to the usual
+alternating course of great English families--one generation living and the
+next starving--it was his lordship's turn to live; but the seventh earl
+having been rather unreasonable in the length of his lease, the present
+earl, who during the lifetime of his father was Lord Hardup, had contracted
+such parsimonious habits, that when he came into possession he could not
+shake them off; and but for the fortunate friendship of Abraham Brown, the
+village blacksmith, who had given his young idea a sporting turn, entering
+him with ferrets and rabbits, and so training him on with terriers and
+rat-catching, badger-baiting and otter-hunting, up to the noble sport of
+fox-hunting itself, in all probability his lordship would have been a
+regular miser. As it was, he did not spend a halfpenny upon anything but
+hunting; and his hunting, though well, was still economically done, costing
+him some couple of thousand a year, to which, for the sake of euphony, Jack
+used to add an extra five hundred; 'two thousand five under'd a year,
+five-and-twenty under'd a year,' sounding better, as Jack thought, and more
+imposing, than a couple of thousand, or two thousand, a year. There were
+few days on which Jack didn't inform the field what the hounds cost his
+lordship, or rather what they didn't cost him.
+
+Woodmansterne, his lordship's principal residence, was a fine place. It
+stood in an undulating park of 800 acres, with its church, and its lakes,
+and its heronry, and its decoy, and its racecourse, and its varied grasses
+of the choicest kinds, for feeding the numerous herds of deer, so well
+known at Temple Bar and Charing Cross as the Woodmansterne venison. The
+house was a modern edifice, built by the sixth earl, who, having been a
+'liver,' had run himself aground by his enormous outlay on this Italian
+structure, which was just finished when he died. The fourth earl, who, we
+should have stated, was a 'liver' too, was a man of _vertù_--a great
+traveller and collector of coins, pictures, statues, marbles, and
+curiosities generally--things that are very dear to buy, but oftentimes
+extremely cheap when sold; and, having collected a vast quantity from all
+parts of the world (no easy feat in those days), he made them heirlooms,
+and departed this life, leaving the next earl the pleasure of contemplating
+them. The fifth earl having duly starved through life, then made way for
+the sixth; who, finding such a quantity of valuables stowed away, as he
+thought, in rather a confined way, sent to London for a first-rate
+architect. Sir Thomas Squareall (who always posted with four horses), who
+forthwith pulled down the old brick-and-stone Elizabethan mansion, and
+built the present splendid Italian structure, of the finest polished stone,
+at an expense of--furniture and all--say 120,000_l._; Sir Thomas's
+estimates being 30,000_l._ The seventh earl of course they starved; and the
+present lord, at the age of forty-three, found himself in possession of
+house, and coins, and curiosities; and, best of all, of some 90,000_l._ in
+the funds, which had quietly rolled up during the latter part of his
+venerable parent's existence. His lordship then took counsel with
+himself--first, whether he should marry or remain single; secondly, whether
+he should live or starve. Having considered the subject with all the
+attention a limited allowance of brains permitted, he came to the
+resolution that the second proposition depended a good deal upon the first;
+'for,' said he to himself, 'if I marry, my lady, perhaps, may _make_ me
+live; and therefore,' said he, 'perhaps I'd better remain single.' At all
+events, he came to the determination not to marry in a hurry; and until he
+did, he felt there was no occasion for him to inconvenience himself by
+living. So he had the house put away in brown holland, the carpets rolled
+up, the pictures covered, the statues shrouded in muslin, the cabinets of
+curiosities locked, the plate secured, the china closeted, and everything
+arranged with the greatest care against the time, which he put before him
+in the distance like a target, when he should marry and begin to live.
+
+At first he gave two or three great dinners a year, about the height of the
+fruit season, and when it was getting too ripe for carriage to London by
+the old coaches--when a grand airing of the state-rooms used to take place,
+and ladies from all parts of the county used to sit shivering with their
+bare shoulders, all anxious for the honours of the head of the table. His
+lordship always held out that he was a marrying man; but even if he hadn't
+they would have come all the same, an unmarried man being always clearly on
+the cards; and though he was stumpy, and clumsy, and ugly, with as little
+to say for himself as could well be conceived, they all agreed that he was
+a most engaging, attractive man--quite a pattern of a man. Even on
+horseback, and in his hunting clothes, in which he looked far the best, he
+was only a coarse, square, bull-headed looking man, with hard, dry, round,
+matter-of-fact features, that never looked young, and yet somehow never get
+old. Indeed, barring the change from brown to grey of his short stubbly
+whiskers, which he trained with great care into a curve almost on to his
+cheek-bone, he looked very little older at the period of which we are
+writing than he did a dozen years before, when he was Lord Hardup. These
+dozen years, however, had brought him down in his doings.
+
+The dinners had gradually dwindled away altogether, and he had had all the
+large tablecloths and napkins rough dried and locked away against he got
+married; an event that he seemed more anxious to provide for the more
+unlikely it became. He had also abdicated the main body of the mansion, and
+taken up his quarters in what used to be the steward's room; into which he
+could creep quietly by a side door opening from the outer entrance, and so
+save frequent exposure to the cold and damp of the large cathedral-like
+hall beyond. Through the steward's room was what used to be the muniment
+room, which he converted into a bedroom for himself; and a little farther
+along the passage was another small chamber, made out of what used to be
+the plate-room, whereof Jack, or whoever was in office, had the possession.
+All three rooms were furnished in the roughest, coarsest, homeliest
+way--his lordship wishing to keep all the good furniture against he got
+married. The sitting-room, or parlour as his lordship called it, had an old
+grey drugget for a carpet, an old round black mahogany table on castors,
+that the last steward had ejected as too bad for him, four semi-circular
+wooden-bottomed walnut smoking-chairs; an old spindle-shanked sideboard,
+with very little middle, over which swung a few bookshelves, with the
+termination of their green strings surmounted by a couple of foxes'
+brushes. Small as the shelves were, they were larger than his lordship
+wanted--two books, one for Jack and one for himself, being all they
+contained; while the other shelves were filled with hunting-horns, odd
+spurs, knots of whipcord, piles of halfpence, lucifer-match boxes,
+gun-charges, and such-like miscellaneous articles.
+
+His lordship's fare was as rough as his furniture. He was a great admirer
+of tripe, cow-heel, and delicacies of that kind; he had tripe twice a
+week--boiled one day, fried another. He was also a great patron of
+beefsteaks, which he ate half-raw, with slices of cold onion served in a
+saucer with water.
+
+It was a beefsteak-and-batter-pudding day on which the foregoing run took
+place; and his lordship and Jack having satisfied nature off their
+respective dishes--for they only had vegetables in common--and having
+finished off with some very strong Cheshire cheese, wheeled their chairs to
+the fire, while Bags the butler cleared the table and placed it between
+them. They were dressed in full suits of flaming large-check red-and-yellow
+tartans, the tartan of that noble clan the 'Stunners,' with black-and-white
+Shetland hose and red slippers. His lordship and Jack had related their
+mutual adventures by cross visits to each other's bedrooms while dressing:
+and, dinner being announced by the time they were ready, they had fallen
+to, and applied themselves diligently to the victuals, and now very
+considerately unbuttoned their many-pocketed waistcoats and stuck out their
+legs, to give it a fair chance of digesting. They seldom spoke much until
+his lordship had had his nap, which he generally took immediately after
+dinner; but on this particular night he sat bending forward in his chair,
+picking his teeth and looking at his toes, evidently ill at ease in his
+mind. Jack guessed the cause, but didn't say anything. Sponge, he thought,
+had beat him.
+
+At length his lordship threw himself back in his chair, and stretching his
+little queer legs out before him, began to breathe thicker and thicker,
+till at last he got the melody up to a grunt. It was not the fine generous
+snore of a sleep that he usually enjoyed, but short, fitful, broken naps,
+that generally terminated in spasmodic jerks of the arms or legs. These
+grew worse, till at last all four went at once, like the limbs of a Peter
+Waggey, when, throwing himself forward with a violent effort, he awoke;
+and finding his horse was not a-top of him, as he thought, he gave vent to
+his feelings in the following ejaculations:
+
+'Oh, Jack, I'm onhappy!' exclaimed he. 'I'm distressed!' continued he. 'I'm
+wretched!' added he, slapping his knees. 'I'm perfectly _miserable_!' he
+concluded, with a strong emphasis on the 'miserable.'
+
+'What's the matter?' asked Jack, who was half-asleep himself.
+
+
+[Illustration: HIS LORDSHIP AND JACK]
+
+'Oh, that Mister Something!--he'll be the death of me!' observed his
+lordship.
+
+'I thought so,' replied Jack; 'what's the chap been after now?'
+
+'I dreamt he'd killed old Lablache--best hound I have,' replied his
+lordship.
+
+'He be ----,' grunted Jack.
+
+'Ah, it's all very well for you to say "he be this" and "he be that," but I
+can tell you what, that fellow is going to be a very awkward customer--a
+terrible thorn in my side.'
+
+'Humph!' grunted Jack, who didn't see how.
+
+'There's mischief about that fellow,' continued his lordship, pouring
+himself out half a tumbler of gin, and filling it up with water. 'There's
+mischief about the fellow. I don't like his looks--I don't like his coat--I
+don't like his boots--I don't like anything about him. I'd rather see the
+back of him than the front. He must be got rid of,' added his lordship.
+
+'Well, I did my best to-day, I'm sure,' replied Jack. 'I was deuced near
+wanting the patent coffin you were so good as to promise me.'
+
+'You did your work well,' replied his lordship; 'you did your work well;
+and you shall have my other specs till I can get you a new pair from town;
+and if you'll serve me again, I'll remember you in my will--I'll leave you
+something handsome.'
+
+'I'm your man,' replied Jack.
+
+'I never was so bothered with a fellow in my life,' observed his lordship.
+'Captain Topsawyer was bad enough, and always pressed far too close on the
+hounds, but he would pull up at a check; but this rusty-booted 'bomination
+seems to think the hounds are kept for him to ride over. He must be got rid
+of somehow,' repeated his lordship; 'for we shall have no peace while he's
+here.'
+
+'If he's after either of the Jawley girls, he'll be bad to shake off,'
+observed Jack.
+
+'That's just the point,' replied his lordship, quaffing off his gin with
+the air of a man most thoroughly thirsty; 'that's just the point,' repeated
+he, setting down his tumbler. 'I think if he is, I could cook his goose for
+him.'
+
+'How so?' asked Jack, drinking off his glass.
+
+'Why, I'll tell you,' replied his lordship, replenishing his tumbler, and
+passing the old gilt-labelled blue bottle over to Jack; 'you see, Frosty's
+a cunning old file, picks up all the news and gossip of the country when
+he's out at exercise with the hounds, or in going to cover--knows
+everything!--who licks his wife, and whose wife licks him--who's after such
+a girl, and so on--and he's found out somehow that this Mr.
+What's-his-name isn't the man of metal he's passing for.'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Jack, raising his eyebrows, and squinting his eyes
+inside out; Jack's opinion of a man being entirely regulated by his purse.
+
+'It's a fact,' said his lordship, with a knowing shake of his head. 'As we
+were toddling home with the hounds, I said to Frosty, "I hope that Mr.
+Something's comfortable in his bath"--meaning Gobblecow Bog, which he rode
+into. "Why," said Frosty, "it's no great odds what comes of such rubbage as
+that." Now, Frosty, you know, in a general way, is a most polite,
+fair-spoken man, specially before Christmas, when he begins to look for the
+tips; and as we are not much troubled with strangers, thanks to your
+sensible way of handling them, I thought Frosty would have made the most of
+this natural son of Dives, and been as polite to him as possible. However,
+he was evidently no favourite of Frosty's. So I just asked--not that one
+likes to be familiar with servants, you know, but still this brown-booted
+beggar is enough to excite one's curiosity and make any one go out of one's
+way a little--so I just asked Frosty what he knew about him. "All over the
+left," said Frosty, jerking his thumb back over his shoulder, and looking
+as knowing as a goose with one eye; "all over the left," repeated he.
+"What's over the left?" said I. "Why, this Mr. Sponge," said he. "How so?"
+asked I. "Why," said Frosty, "he's come gammonin' down here that he's a
+great man--full of money, and horses, and so on; but it's all my eye, he's
+no more a great man than I am."'
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Jack, who had sat squinting and listening intently
+as his lordship proceeded. 'Well, now, hang me, I thought he was a snob the
+moment I saw him,' continued he; Jack being one of those clever gentlemen
+who know everything after they are told.
+
+'"Well, how do you know, Jack?" said I to Frosty. "Oh, I knows," replied
+he, as if he was certain about it. However, I wasn't satisfied without
+knowing too; and, as we kept jogging on, we came to the old Coach and
+Horses, and I said to Jack, "We may as well have a drop of something to
+warm us." So we halted, and had glasses of brandy apiece, whips and all;
+and then, as we jogged on again, I just said to Jack casually, "Did you say
+it was Mr. Blossomnose told you about old Brown Boots?"
+"No--Blossomnose--no," replied he, as if Blossom never had anything half so
+good to tell; "it was a young woman," said he, in an undertone, "who told
+me, and she had it from old Brown Boots's groom."'
+
+'Well, that's good,' observed Jack, diving his hands into the very bottom
+of his great tartan trouser pockets, and shooting his legs out before him;
+'well, that's good,' repeated he, falling into a sort of reverie.
+
+'Well, but what can we make of it?' at length inquired he, after a long
+pause, during which he ran the facts through his mind, and thought they
+could not be much ruder to Sponge than they had been. 'What can we make of
+it?' said he. 'The fellow can ride, and we can't prevent him hunting; and
+his having nothing only makes him less careful of his neck.'
+
+'Why, that was just what I thought,' replied Lord Scamperdale, taking
+another tumbler of gin; 'that was just what I thought--the fellow can ride,
+and we can't prevent him; and just as I settled that in my sleep, I thought
+I saw him come staring along, with his great brown horse's head in the air,
+and crash right a-top of old Lablache. But I see my way clearer with him
+now. But help yourself,' continued his lordship, passing the gin-bottle
+over to Jack, feeling that what he had to say required a little
+recommendation. 'I think I can turn Frosty's information to some account.'
+
+'I don't see how,' observed Jack, replenishing his glass.
+
+'_I_ do, though,' replied his lordship, adding, 'but I must have your
+assistance.'
+
+'Well, anything in moderation,' replied Jack, who had had to turn his hand
+to some very queer jobs occasionally.
+
+'I'll tell you what _I_ think,' observed his lordship. 'I think there are
+two ways of getting rid of this haughty Philistine--this unclean
+spirit--this 'bomination of a man. I think, in the first place, if old
+Chatterbox knew that he had nothing, he would very soon bow him out of
+Jawleyford Court; and in the second, that we might get rid of him by buying
+his horses.'
+
+'Well,' replied Jack, 'I don't know but you're right. Chatterbox would soon
+wash his hands of him, as he has done of many promising young gentlemen
+before, if he has nothing; but people differ so in their ideas of what
+nothing consists of.'
+
+Jack spoke feelingly, for he was a gentleman who was generally spoken of as
+having nothing a year, paid quarterly; and yet he was in the enjoyment of
+an annuity of sixty pounds.
+
+'Oh, why, when I say he has nothing,' replied Lord Scamperdale, 'I mean
+that he has not what Jawleyford, who is a bumptious sort of an ass, would
+consider sufficient to make him a fit match for one of his daughters. He
+may have a few hundreds a year, but Jaw, I'm sure, will look at nothing
+under thousands.'
+
+'Oh, certainly not,' said Jack, 'there's no doubt about that.'
+
+'Well, then, you see, I was thinking,' observed Lord Scamperdale, eyeing
+Jack's countenance, 'that if you would dine there to-morrow, as we fixed--'
+
+'Oh, dash it! I couldn't do that,' interrupted Jack, drawing himself
+together in his chair like a horse refusing a leap; 'I couldn't do that--I
+couldn't dine with Jaw, not at no price.'
+
+'Why not?' asked Lord Scamperdale; 'he'll give you a good
+dinner--fricassees, and all sorts of good things; far finer fare than you
+have here.'
+
+'That may all be,' replied Jack, 'but I don't want none of his food. I hate
+the sight of the fellow, and detest him fresh every time I see him.
+Consider, too, you said you'd let me off if I sarved out Sponge; and I'm
+sure I did my best. I led him over some awful places, and then what a
+ducking I got! My ears are full of water still,' added he, laying his head
+on one side to try to run it out.
+
+'You did well,' observed Lord Scamperdale--'you did well, and I fully
+intended to let you off, but then I didn't know what a beggar I had to
+deal with. Come, say you'll go, that's a good fellow.'
+
+'Couldn't,' replied Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+'You'll _oblige_ me,' observed Lord Scamperdale.
+
+'Ah, well, I'd do anything to oblige your lordship,' replied Jack, thinking
+of the corner in the will. 'I'd do anything to oblige your lordship: but
+the fact is, sir, I'm not prepared to go. I've lost my specs--I've got no
+swell clothes--I can't go in the Stunner tartan,' added he, eyeing his
+backgammon-board-looking chest, and diving his hands into the capacious
+pockets of his shooting-jacket.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'I'll manage all that,' replied his lordship; 'I've got a pair of splendid
+silver-mounted spectacles in the Indian cabinet in the drawing-room, that
+I've kept to be married in. I'll lend them to you, and there's no saying
+but you may captivate Miss Jawleyford in them. Then as to clothes, there's
+my new damson-coloured velvet waistcoat with the steel buttons, and my fine
+blue coat with the velvet collar, silk facings, and our button on it;
+altogether I'll rig you out and make you such a swell as there's no saying
+but Miss Jawleyford'll offer to you, by way of consoling herself for the
+loss of Sponge.'
+
+'I'm afraid you'll have to make a settlement for me, then,' observed our
+friend.
+
+'Well, you are a good fellow. Jack,' said his lordship, 'and I'd as soon
+make one on you as on any one.'
+
+'I s'pose you'll send me on wheels?' observed Jack.
+
+'In course,' replied his lordship. 'Dog-cart--name behind--Right Honourable
+the Earl of Scamperdale--lad with cockade--everything genteel'; adding,
+'by Jove, they'll take you for me!'
+
+Having settled all these matters, and arranged how the information was to
+be communicated to Jawleyford, the friends at length took their block-tin
+candlesticks, with their cauliflower-headed candles, and retired to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When Mr. Sponge returned, all dirtied and stained, from the chase, he found
+his host sitting in an arm-chair over the study fire, dressing-gowned and
+slippered, with a pocket-handkerchief tied about his head, shamming
+illness, preparatory to putting off Mr. Spraggon. To be sure, he played
+rather a better knife and fork at dinner than is usual with persons with
+that peculiar ailment; but Mr. Sponge, being very hungry, and well attended
+to by the fair--moreover, not suspecting any ulterior design--just ate and
+jabbered away as usual, with the exception of omitting his sick papa-in-law
+in the round of his observations. So the dinner passed over.
+
+'Bring me a tumbler and some hot water and sugar,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+pressing his head against his hand, as Spigot, having placed some bottle
+ends on the table, and reduced the glare of light, was preparing to retire.
+'Bring me some hot water and sugar,' said he; 'and tell Harry he will have
+to go over to Lord Scamperdale's, with a note, the first thing in the
+morning.'
+
+The young ladies looked at each other, and then at mamma, who, seeing what
+was wanted, looked at papa, and asked, 'if he was going to ask Lord
+Scamperdale over?' Amelia, among her many 'presentiments,' had long enjoyed
+one that she was destined to be Lady Scamperdale.
+
+'No--_over_--no,' snapped Jawleyford; 'what should put that in your head?'
+
+'Oh, I thought as Mr. Sponge was here, you might think it a good time to
+ask him.'
+
+'His lordship knows he can come when he likes,' replied Jawleyford, adding,
+'it's to put that Mr. John Spraggon off, who thinks he may do the same.'
+
+'Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both the young ladies. 'Mr. Spraggon!--what
+should set him here?'
+
+'What, indeed?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Poor man! I dare say there's no harm in him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford,
+who was always ready for anybody.
+
+'No good either,' replied Jawleyford--'at all events, we'll be just as well
+without him. You know him, don't you?' added he, turning to Sponge--'great
+coarse man in spectacles.'
+
+'Oh yes, I know him,' replied Sponge; 'a great ruffian he is, too,' added
+he.
+
+'One ought to be in robust health to encounter such a man,' observed
+Jawleyford, 'and have time to get a man or two of the same sort to meet
+him. _We_ can do nothing with such a man. I can't understand how his
+lordship puts up with such a fellow.'
+
+'Finds him useful, I suppose,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+Spigot presently appeared with a massive silver salver, bearing tumblers,
+sugar, lemon, nutmeg, and other implements of negus.
+
+'Will you join me in a little wine-and-water?' asked Jawleyford, pointing
+to the apparatus and bottle ends, 'or will you have a fresh bottle?--plenty
+in the cellar,' added he, with a flourish of his hand, though he kept
+looking steadfastly at the negus-tray.
+
+'Oh--why--I'm afraid--I doubt--I think I should hardly be able to do
+justice to a bottle single-handed,' replied Sponge. 'Then have negus,'
+said Jawleyford; 'you'll find it very refreshing; medical men recommend it
+after violent exercise in preference to wine. But pray have wine if you
+prefer it.'
+
+'Ah--well, I'll finish off with a little negus, perhaps,' replied Sponge,
+adding, 'meanwhile the ladies, I dare say, would like a little wine.'
+
+'The ladies drink white wine--sherry,' rejoined Jawleyford, determined to
+make a last effort to save his port. 'However, you can have a bottle of
+port to yourself, you know.'
+
+'Very well,' said Sponge.
+
+'One condition I must attach,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'which is, that you
+_finish_ the bottle. Don't let us have any waste, you know.'
+
+'I'll do my best,' said Sponge, determined to have it; whereupon Mr.
+Jawleyford growled the word 'Port' to the butler, who had been witnessing
+his master's efforts to direct attention to the negus. Thwarted in his
+endeavour, Jawleyford's headache became worse, and the ladies, seeing how
+things were going, beat a precipitate retreat, leaving our hero to his
+fate.
+
+'I'll leave a note on my writing-table when I go to bed,' observed
+Jawleyford to Spigot, as the latter was retiring after depositing the
+bottle; 'and tell Harry to start with it early in the morning, so as to get
+to Woodmansterne about breakfast--nine o'clock, or so, at latest,' added
+he.
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Spigot, withdrawing with an air.
+
+Sponge then wanted to narrate the adventures of the day; but, independently
+of Jawleyford's natural indifference for hunting, he was too much out of
+humour at being done out of his wine to lend a willing ear; and after
+sundry 'hums,' 'indeeds,' 'sos,' &c., Sponge thought he might as well think
+the run over to himself as trouble to put it into words, whereupon a long
+silence ensued, interrupted only by the tinkling of Jawleyford's spoon
+against his glass, and the bumps of the decanter as Sponge helped himself
+to his wine.
+
+At length Jawleyford, having had as much negus as he wanted, excused
+himself from further attendence, under the plea of increasing illness, and
+retired to his study to concoct his letter to Jack.
+
+At first he was puzzled how to address him. If he had been Jack Spraggon,
+living in old Mother Nipcheese's lodgings at Starfield, as he was when Lord
+Scamperdale took him by the hand, he would have addressed him as 'Dear
+Sir,' or perhaps in the third person, 'Mr. Jawleyford presents his
+compliments to Mr. Spraggon,' &c.; but, as my lord's right-hand man, Jack
+carried a certain weight, and commanded a certain influence, that he would
+never have acquired of himself.
+
+Jawleyford spoilt three sheets of cream-laid satin-wove note-paper (crested
+and ciphered) before he pleased himself with a beginning. First he had it
+'Dear Sir,' which he thought looked too stiff; then he had it 'My dear
+Sir,' which he thought looked too loving; next he had it 'Dear Spraggon,'
+which he considered as too familiar; and then he tried 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,'
+which he thought would do. Thus he wrote:
+
+    'DEAR MR. SPRAGGON,--
+
+    'I am sorry to be obliged to put you off; but since I came in from
+    hunting I have been attacked with influenza, which will
+    incapacitate me from the enjoyment of society at least for two or
+    three days. I therefore think the kindest thing I can do is to
+    write to put you off; and, in the hopes of seeing both you and my
+    lord at no distant day.
+
+    'I remain, dear sir, yours sincerely,
+
+    'CHARLES JAMES JAWLEYFORD,
+
+    '_Jawleyford Court._
+
+    'TO JOHN SPRAGGON, ESQ.,
+
+    &c. &c. &c.'
+
+This he sealed with the great seal of Jawleyford Court--a coat of arms
+containing innumerable quarterings and heraldic devices. Having then
+refreshed his memory by looking through a bundle of bills, and selected the
+most threatening of the lawyers' letters to answer the next day, he
+proceeded to keep up the delusion of sickness, by retiring to sleep in his
+dressing-room. Our readers will now have the kindness to accompany us to
+Lord Scamperdale's: time, the morning after the foregoing. 'Love me, love
+my dog,' being a favourite saying of his lordship's, he fed himself, his
+friends, and his hounds, on the same meal. Jack and he were busy with two
+great basins full of porridge, which his lordship diluted with milk, while
+Jack stirred his up with hot dripping, when the put-off note arrived. His
+lordship was still in a complete suit of the great backgammon-board-looking
+red-and-yellow Stunner tartan: but as Jack was going from home, he had got
+himself into a pair of his lordship's yellow-ochre leathers and new
+top-boots, while he wore the Stunner jacket and waistcoat to save his
+lordship's Sunday green cutaway with metal buttons, and canary-coloured
+waistcoat. His lordship did not eat his porridge with his usual appetite,
+for he had had a disturbed night, Sponge having appeared to him in his
+dreams in all sorts of forms and predicaments; now jumping a-top of
+him--now upsetting Jack--now riding over Frostyface--now crashing among his
+hounds; and he awoke, fully determined to get rid of him by fair means or
+foul. Buying his horses did not seem so good a speculation as blowing his
+credit at Jawleyford Court, for, independently of disliking to part with
+his cash, his lordship remembered that there were other horses to get, and
+he should only be giving Sponge the means of purchasing them. The more,
+however, he thought of the Jawleyford project, the more satisfied he was
+that it would do; and Jack and he were in a sort of rehearsal, wherein his
+lordship personated Jawleyford, and was showing Jack (who was only a clumsy
+diplomatist) how to draw up to the subject of Sponge's pecuniary
+deficiencies, when the dirty old butler came with Jawleyford's note.
+
+'What's here?' exclaimed his lordship, fearing from its smartness, that it
+was from a lady. 'What's here?' repeated he, as he inspected the direction.
+'Oh, it's for _you_!' exclaimed he, chucking it over to Jack, considerably
+relieved by the discovery.
+
+'_Me!_' replied Jack. 'Who can be writing to me?' said he, squinting his
+eyes inside out at the seal. He opened it: 'Jawleyford Court,' read he.
+'Who the deuce can be writing to me from Jawleyford Court when I'm going
+there?'
+
+'A put-off, for a guinea!' exclaimed his lordship.
+
+'Hope so,' muttered Jack.
+
+'Hope _not_,' replied his lordship.
+
+'It is!' exclaimed Jack, reading, 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,' and so on.
+
+'The humbug!' muttered Lord Scamperdale, adding, 'I'll be bound he's got no
+more influenza than I have.'
+
+'Well,' observed Jack, sweeping a red cotton handkerchief, with which he
+had been protecting his leathers, off into his pocket, 'there's an end of
+that.'
+
+'Don't go so quick,' replied his lordship, ladling in the porridge.
+
+'Quick!' retorted Jack; 'why, what can you do?'
+
+'_Do!_ why, _go_ to be sure,' replied his lordship.
+
+'How can I go,' asked Jack, 'when the sinner's written to put me off?'
+
+'Nicely,' replied his lordship, 'nicely. I'll just send word back by the
+servant that you had started before the note arrived, but that you shall
+have it as soon as you return; and you just cast up there as if nothing had
+happened.' So saying, his lordship took hold of the whipcord-pull and gave
+the bell a peal.
+
+'There's no beating you,' observed Jack.
+
+Bags now made his appearance again.
+
+'Is the servant here that brought this note?' asked his lordship, holding
+it up.
+
+'Yes, _me_ lord,' replied Bags.
+
+'Then tell him to tell his master, with my compliments, that Mr. Spraggon
+had set off for Jawleyford Court before it came, but that he shall have it
+as soon as he returns--you understand?'
+
+'Yes, _me_ lord,' replied Bags, looking at Jack supping up the fat
+porridge, and wondering how the lie would go down with Harry, who was then
+discussing his master's merits and a horn of small beer with the lad who
+was going to drive Jack.
+
+Jawleyford Court was twenty miles from Woodmansterne as the crow flies, and
+any distance anybody liked to call it by the road. The road, indeed, would
+seem to have been set out with a view of getting as many hills and as
+little level ground over which a traveller could make play as possible; and
+where it did not lead over the tops of the highest hills, it wound round
+their bases, in such little, vexatious, up-and-down, wavy dips as
+completely to do away with all chance of expedition. The route was not
+along one continuous trust, but here over a bit of turnpike and there over
+a bit of turnpike, with ever and anon long interregnums of township roads,
+repaired in the usual primitive style with mud and soft field-stones, that
+turned up like flitches of bacon. A man would travel from London to Exeter
+by rail in as short a time, and with far greater ease, than he would drive
+from Lord Scamperdale's to Jawleyford Court. His lordship being aware of
+this fact, and thinking, moreover, it was no use trashing a good horse over
+such roads, had desired Frostyface to put an old spavined grey mare, that
+he had bought for the kennel, into the dog-cart, and out of which, his
+lordship thought, if he could get a day's work or two, she would come all
+the cheaper to the boiler.
+
+'That's a good-shaped beast,' observed his lordship, as she now came
+hitching round to the door; 'I really think she would make a cover hack.'
+
+'Sooner you ride her than me,' replied Jack, seeing his lordship was coming
+the dealer over him--praising the shape when he could say nothing for the
+action.
+
+'Well, but she'll take you to Jawleyford Court as quick as the best of
+them,' rejoined his lordship, adding, 'the roads are wretched, and Jaw's
+stables are a disgrace to humanity--might as well put a horse in a cellar.'
+
+'Well,' observed Jack, retiring from the parlour window to his little den
+along the passage, to put the finishing touch to his toilet--the green
+cutaway and buff waistcoat, which he further set off with a black satin
+stock--'Well,' said he, 'needs must when a certain gentleman drives.'
+
+He presently reappeared full fig, rubbing a fine new eight-and-sixpenny
+flat-brimmed hat round and round with a substantial puce-coloured bandana.
+'Now for the specs!' exclaimed he, with the gaiety of a man in his
+Sunday's best, bound on a holiday trip. 'Now for the silver specs!'
+repeated he.
+
+'Ah, true,' replied his lordship; 'I'd forgot the specs.' (He hadn't, only
+he thought his silver-mounted ones would be safer in his keeping than in
+Jack's.) 'I'd forgot the specs. However, never mind, you shall have these,'
+said he, taking his tortoise-shell-rimmed ones off his nose and handing
+them to Jack.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT]
+
+'You promised me the silver ones,' observed our friend Jack, who wanted to
+be smart.
+
+'Did I?' replied his lordship; 'I declare I'd forgot. Ah yes, I believe I
+did,' added he, with an air of sudden enlightenment--'the pair upstairs;
+but how the deuce to get at them I don't know, for the key of the Indian
+cabinet is locked in the old oak press in the still-room, and the key of
+the still-room is locked away in the linen-press in the green lumber-room
+at the top of the house, and the key of the green lumber-room is in a
+drawer at the bottom of the wardrobe in the Star-Chamber, and the--'
+
+'Ah, well; never mind,' grunted Jack, interrupting the labyrinth of lies.
+'I dare say these will do--I dare say these will do,' putting them on;
+adding, 'Now, if you'll lend me a shawl for my neck, and a mackintosh, my
+name shall be _Walker_.'
+
+'Better make it _Trotter_,' replied his lordship, 'considering the distance
+you have to go.'
+
+'Good,' said Jack, mounting and driving away.
+
+'It will be a blessing if we get there,' observed Jack to the liveried
+stable-lad, as the old bag of bones of a mare went hitching and limping
+away.
+
+'Oh, she can go when she's warm,' replied the lad, taking her across the
+ears with the point of the whip. The wheels followed merrily over the
+sound, hard road through the park, and the gentle though almost
+imperceptible fall of the ground giving an impetus to the vehicle, they
+bowled away as if they had four of the soundest, freshest legs in the world
+before them, instead of nothing but a belly-band between them and eternity.
+
+When, however, they cleared the noble lodge and got upon the unscraped mud
+of the Deepdebt turnpike, the pace soon slackened, and, instead of the gig
+running away with the old mare, she was fairly brought to her collar. Being
+a game one, however, she struggled on with a trot, till at length, turning
+up the deeply spurlinged, clayey bottomed cross-road between Rookgate and
+Clamley, it was all she could do to drag the gig through the holding mire.
+Bump, bump, jolt, jolt, creak, creak, went the vehicle. Jack now diving his
+elbow into the lad's ribs, the lad now diving his into Jack's; both now
+threatening to go over on the same side, and again both nearly chucked on
+to the old mare's quarters. A sharp, cutting sleet, driving pins and
+needles directly in their faces, further disconcerted our travellers. Jack
+felt acutely for his new eight-and-sixpenny hat, it being the only article
+of dress he had on of his own.
+
+Long and tedious as was the road, weak and jaded as was the mare, and long
+as Jack stopped at Starfield, he yet reached Jawleyford Court before the
+messenger Harry.
+
+As our friend Jawleyford was stamping about his study anathematizing a
+letter he had received from the solicitor to the directors of the Doembrown
+and Sinkall Railway, informing him that they were going to indulge in the
+winding-up act, he chanced to look out of his window just as the contracted
+limits of a winter's day were drawing the first folds of night's muslin
+curtain over the landscape, when he espied a gig drawn by a white horse,
+with a dot-and-go-one sort of action, hopping its way up the slumpey
+avenue.
+
+'That's Buggins the bailiff,' exclaimed he to himself, as the recollection
+of an unanswered lawyer's letter flashed across his mind; and he was just
+darting off to the bell to warn Spigot not to admit any one, when the lad's
+cockade, standing in relief against the sky-line, caused him to pause and
+gaze again at the unwonted apparition.
+
+'Who the deuce can it be?' asked he of himself, looking at his watch, and
+seeing it was a quarter-past four. 'It surely can't be my lord, or that
+Jack Spraggon coming after all?' added he, drawing out a telescope and
+opening a lancet-window.
+
+'Spraggon, as I live!' exclaimed he, as he caught Jack's harsh, spectacled
+features, and saw him titivating his hair and arranging his collar and
+stock as he approached.
+
+'Well, that beats everything!' exclaimed Jawleyford, burning with rage as
+he fastened the window again.
+
+He stood for a few seconds transfixed to the spot, not knowing what on
+earth to do. At last resolution came to his aid, and, rushing upstairs to
+his dressing-room, he quickly divested himself of his coat and waistcoat,
+and slipped on a dressing-gown and night-cap. He then stood, door in hand,
+listening for the arrival. He could just hear the gig grinding under the
+portico, and distinguish Jack's gruff voice saying to the servant from the
+top of the steps, 'We'll start _directly_ after breakfast, mind.' A
+tremendous peal of the bell immediately followed, convulsing the whole
+house, for nobody had seen the vehicle approaching, and the establishment
+had fallen into the usual state of undress torpor that intervenes between
+calling hours and dinner-time.
+
+The bell not being answered as quickly as Jack expected, he just opened the
+door himself; and when Spigot arrived, with such a force as he could raise
+at the moment, Jack was in the act of 'peeling' himself, as he called it.
+
+'What time do we dine?' asked he, with the air of a man with the entrée.
+
+'Seven o'clock, my lord--that's to say, sir--that's to say, my lord,' for
+Spigot really didn't know whether it was Jack or his master.
+
+'Seven o'clock!' muttered Jack. 'What the deuce is the use of dinin' at
+such an hour as that in winter?'
+
+Jack and my lord always dined as soon as they got home from hunting. Jack,
+having got himself out of his wraps, and run his bristles backwards with a
+pocket-comb, was ready for presentation.
+
+'What name shall I _e_nounce?' asked Mr. Spigot, fearful of committing
+himself before the ladies.
+
+'MISTER SPRAGGON, to be sure,' exclaimed Jack, thinking, because
+he knew who he was, that everybody else ought to know too.
+
+Spigot then led the way to the music-room.
+
+The peal at the bell had caused a suppressed commotion in the apartment.
+Buried in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned low chair, Mr. Sponge
+sat, _Mogg_ in hand, with a toe cocked up, now dipping leisurely into his
+work--now whispering something sweet into Amelia's ear, who sat with her
+crochet-work at his side; while Emily played the piano, and Mrs. Jawleyford
+kept in the background, in the discreet way mothers do when there is a
+little business going on. The room was in that happy state of misty light
+that usually precedes the entrance of candles--a light that no one likes to
+call darkness, lest their eyes might be supposed to be failing. It is a
+convenient light, however, for a timid stranger, especially where there are
+not many footstools set to trip him up--an exemption, we grieve to say, not
+accorded to every one.
+
+Though Mr. Spraggon was such a cool, impudent fellow with men, he was the
+most awkward, frightened wretch among ladies that ever was seen. His
+conversation consisted principally of coughing. 'Hem!'--cough--'yes,
+mum,'--hem--cough, cough--'the day,'--hem--cough--'mum,
+is'--hem--cough--'very,'--hem--cough--'mum, cold.' But we will introduce
+him to our family circle.
+
+'MR. SPRAGGON!' exclaimed Spigot in a tone equal to the one in
+which Jack had announced himself in the entrance; and forthwith there was
+such a stir in the twilit apartment--such suppressed exclamations of:
+
+'Mr. Spraggon!--Mr. Spraggon! What can bring him here?'
+
+Our traveller's creaking boots and radiant leathers eclipsing the sombre
+habiliments of Mr. Spigot, Mrs. Jawleyford quickly rose from her Pembroke
+writing-desk, and proceeded to greet him.
+
+'My daughters I think you know, Mr. Spraggon; also Mr. Sponge? Mr.
+Spraggon,' continued she, with a wave of her hand to where our hero was
+ensconced in his form, in case they should not have made each other's
+speaking acquaintance.
+
+The young ladies rose, and curtsied prettily; while Mr. Sponge gave a sort
+of backward hitch of his head as he sat in his chair, as much as to say, 'I
+know as much of Mr. Spraggon as I want.'
+
+'Tell your master Mr. Spraggon is here,' added Mrs. Jawleyford to Spigot,
+as that worthy was leaving the room. 'It's a cold day, Mr. Spraggon; won't
+you come near the fire?' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, addressing our friend,
+who had come to a full stop just under the chandelier in the centre of the
+room. 'Hem--cough--hem--thank ye, mum,' muttered Jack. 'I'm
+not--hem--cough--cold, thank ye, mum.' His face and hands were purple
+notwithstanding.
+
+'How is my Lord Scamperdale?' asked Amelia, who had a strong inclination to
+keep in with all parties.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--my lord--that's to say, my lady--hem--cough--I mean to
+say, my lord's pretty well, thank ye,' stuttered Jack.
+
+'Is he coming?' asked Amelia.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--my lord's--hem--not well--cough--no--hem--I mean to
+say--hem--cough--my lord's gone--hem--to dine--cough--hem--with
+his--cough--friend Lord Bubbley Jock--hem--cough--I mean Barker--cough.'
+
+Jack and Lord Scamperdale were so in the habit of calling his lordship by
+this nickname, that Jack let it slip, or rather cough out, inadvertently.
+
+In due time Spigot returned, with 'Master's compliments, and he was very
+sorry, but he was so unwell that he was quite unable to see any one.'
+
+'Oh, dear!' exclaimed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Poor pa!' lisped Amelia.
+
+'What a pity!' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I must go and see him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, hurrying off.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--hope he's not much--hem--damaged?' observed Jack.
+
+The old lady being thus got rid of, and Jawleyford disposed of--apparently
+for the night--Mr. Spraggon felt more comfortable, and presently yielded to
+Amelia's entreaties to come near the fire and thaw himself. Spigot brought
+candles, and Mr. Sponge sat moodily in his chair, alternately studying
+_Mogg's Cab Fares_--'Old Bailey, Newgate Street, to or from the Adelphi,
+the Terrace, 1_s._ 6_d._; Admiralty, 2_s._'; and so on; and hazarding
+promiscuous sidelong sort of observations, that might be taken up by Jack
+or not, as he liked. He seemed determined to pay Mr. Jack off for his
+out-of-door impudence. Amelia, on the other hand, seemed desirous of making
+up for her suitor's rudeness, and kept talking to Jack with an assiduity
+that perfectly astonished her sister, who had always heard her speak of
+him with the utmost abhorrence.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford found her husband in a desperate state of excitement, his
+influenza being greatly aggravated by Harry having returned very drunk,
+with the mare's knees desperately broken 'by a fall,' as Harry hiccuped
+out, or by his 'throwing her down,' as Jawleyford declared. Horses _fall_
+with their masters, servants _throw_ them down. What a happiness it is when
+people can send their servants on errands by coaches or railways, instead
+of being kept on the fidget all day, lest a fifty-pound horse should be the
+price of a bodkin or a basket of fish!
+
+Amelia's condescension quite turned Jack's head; and when he went upstairs
+to dress, he squinted at his lordship's best clothes, all neatly laid out
+for him on the bed, with inward satisfaction at having brought them.
+
+'Dash me!' said he, 'I really think that girl has a fancy for me.' Then he
+examined himself minutely in the glass, brushed his whiskers up into a
+curve on his cheeks, the curves almost corresponding with the curve of his
+spectacles above; then he gave his bristly, porcupine-shaped head a
+backward rub with a sort of thing like a scrubbing-brush. 'If I'd only had
+the silver specs,' thought he, 'I should have done.'
+
+He then began to dress; an operation that, ever and anon was interrupted by
+the outburst of volleys of smoke from the little spluttering, smouldering
+fire in the little shabby room Jawleyford insisted on having him put into.
+
+Jack tried all things--opening the window and shutting the door, shutting
+the window and opening the door; but finding that, instead of curing it, he
+only produced the different degrees of comparison--bad, worse, worst--he at
+length shut both, and applied himself vigorously to dressing. He soon got
+into his stockings and pumps, also his black Saxony trousers; then came a
+fine black laced fringe cravat, and the damson-coloured velvet waistcoat
+with the cut-steel buttons.
+
+'Dash me, but I look pretty well in this!' said he, eyeing first one side
+and then the other as he buttoned it. He then stuck a chased and figured
+fine gold brooch, with two pendant tassel-drops, set with turquoise and
+agates, that he had abstracted from his lordship's dressing-case, into his,
+or rather his lordship's finely worked shirt-front, and crowned the toilet
+with his lordship's best new blue coat with velvet collar, silk facings,
+and the Flat Hat Hunt button--'a striding fox,' with the letters 'F.H.H.'
+below.
+
+'Who shall say Mr. Spraggon's not a gentleman?' said he, as he perfumed one
+of his lordship's fine coronetted cambric handkerchiefs with
+lavender-water. Scent, in Jack's opinion, was one of the criterions of a
+gentleman.
+
+Somehow Jack felt quite differently towards the house of Jawleyford; and
+though he did not expect much pleasure in Mr. Sponge's company, he thought,
+nevertheless, that the ladies and he--Amelia and he at least--would get on
+very well. Forgetting that he had come to eject Sponge on the score of
+insufficiency, he really began to think he might be a very desirable match
+for one of them himself.
+
+'The Spraggons are a most respectable family,' said he, eyeing himself in
+the glass. 'If not very handsome, at all events, very genteel,' added he,
+speaking of himself in particular. So saying, he adorned himself with his
+spectacles and set off to explore his way downstairs. After divers mistakes
+he at length found himself in the drawing-room, where the rest of the party
+being assembled, they presently proceeded to dinner.
+
+Jack's amended costume did not produce any difference in Mr. Sponge's
+behaviour, who treated him with the utmost indifference. In truth, Sponge
+had rather a large balance against Jack for his impudence to him in the
+field. Nevertheless, the fair Amelia continued her attentions, and talked
+of hunting, occasionally diverging into observations on Lord Scamperdale's
+fine riding and manly character and appearance, in the roundabout way
+ladies send their messages and compliments to their friends.
+
+The dinner was flat. Jawleyford had stopped the champagne tap, though the
+needle-case glasses stood to tantalize the party till about the time that
+the beverage ought to have been flowing, when Spigot took them off. The
+flatness then became flatter. Nevertheless, Jack worked away in his usual
+carnivorous style, and finished by paying his respects to all the sweets,
+jellies, and things in succession. He never got any of these, he said, at
+'home,' meaning at Lord Scamperdale's--Amelia thought, if she was 'my
+lady,' he would not get any meat there either.
+
+[Illustration: ENTER MR. JACK SPRAGGON, FULL DRESS]
+
+At length Jack finished; and having discussed cheese, porter, and red
+herrings, the cloth was drawn, and a hard-featured dessert, consisting
+principally of apples, followed. The wine having made a couple of
+melancholy circuits, the strained conversation about came to a full stop,
+and Spigot having considerately placed the little round table, as if to
+keep the peace between them, the ladies left the male worthies to discuss
+their port and sherry together. Jack, according to Woodmansterne fashion,
+unbuttoned his waistcoat, and stuck his legs out before him--an example
+that Mr. Sponge quickly followed, and each assumed an attitude that as good
+as said 'I don't care twopence for you.' A dead silence then prevailed,
+interrupted only by the snap, snap, snapping of Jack's toothpick against
+his chair-edge, when he was not busy exploring his mouth with it. It seemed
+to be a match which should keep silence longest. Jack sat squinting his
+eyes inside out at Sponge, while Sponge pretended to be occupied with the
+fire. The wine being with Sponge, and at length wanting some, he was
+constrained to make the first move, by passing it over to Jack, who helped
+himself to port and sherry simultaneously--a glass of sherry after dinner
+(in Jack's opinion) denoting a gentleman. Having smacked his lips over
+that, he presently turned to the glass of port. He checked his hand in
+passing it to his mouth, and bore the glass up to his nose.
+
+'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed he, setting the glass down on the table with a
+thump of disgust.
+
+It is curious what unexpected turns things sometimes take in the world, and
+how completely whole trains of well-preconcerted plans are often turned
+aside by mere accidents such as this. If it hadn't been for the corked
+bottle of port, there is no saying but these two worthies would have held a
+Quakers' meeting without the 'spirit' moving either of them.
+
+'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'It is!' rejoined Sponge, smelling at his half-emptied glass.
+
+'Better have another bottle,' observed Jack.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Sponge, ringing the bell. 'Spigot, this wine's
+corked,' observed Sponge, as old Pomposo entered the room.
+
+'Is it?' said Spigot, with the most perfect innocence, though he knew it
+came out of the corked batch. 'I'll bring another bottle,' added he,
+carrying it off as if he had a whole pipe at command, though in reality he
+had but another out. This fortunately was less corked than the first; and
+Jack having given an approving smack of his great thick lips, Mr. Sponge
+took it on his judgement, and gave a nod to Spigot, who forthwith took his
+departure.
+
+'Old trick that,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head, as Spigot shut
+the door.
+
+'Is it?' observed Mr. Sponge, taking up the observation, though in reality
+it was addressed to the fire.
+
+'Noted for it,' replied Jack, squinting at the sideboard, though he was
+staring intently at Sponge to see how he took it.
+
+'Well, I thought we had a bottle with a queer smatch the other night,'
+observed Sponge.
+
+'Old Blossomnose corked half a dozen in succession one night,' replied
+Jack.
+
+(He had corked three, but Jawleyford re-corked them, and Spigot was now
+reproducing them to our friends.)
+
+Although they had now got the ice broken, and entered into something like a
+conversation, it nevertheless went on very slowly, and they seemed to weigh
+each word before it was uttered. Jack, too, had time to run his peculiar
+situation through his mind, and ponder on his mission from Lord
+Scamperdale--on his lordship's detestation of Mr. Sponge, his anxiety to
+get rid of him, his promised corner in his will, and his lordship's hint
+about buying Sponge's horses if he could not get rid of him in any other
+way.
+
+Sponge, on his part, was thinking if there was any possibility of turning
+Jack to account.
+
+It may seem strange to the uninitiated that there should be prospect of
+gain to a middle-man in the matter of a horse-deal, save in the legitimate
+trade of auctioneers and commission stable-keepers; but we are sorry to say
+we have known men calling themselves gentlemen, who have not thought it
+derogatory to accept a 'trifle' for their good offices in the cause. 'I can
+buy cheaper than you,' they say, 'and we may as well divide the trifle
+between us.'
+
+That was Mr. Spraggon's principle, only that the word 'trifle' inadequately
+conveys his opinion on the point; Jack's notion being that a man was
+entitled to 5_l._ per cent. as of right, and as much more as he could get.
+
+It was not often that Jack got a 'bite' at my lord, which, perhaps, made
+him think it the more incumbent on him not to miss an opportunity. Having
+been told, of course he knew exactly the style of man he had to deal with
+in Mr. Sponge--a style of men of whom there is never any difficulty in
+asking if they will sell their horses, price being the only consideration.
+They are, indeed, a sort of unlicensed horse-dealers, from whose presence
+few hunts are wholly free. Mr. Spraggon thought if he could get Sponge to
+make it worth his while to get my lord to buy his horses, the--whatever he
+might get--would come in very comfortably to pay his Christmas bills.
+
+By the time the bottle drew to a close, our friends were rather better
+friends, and seemed more inclined to fraternize. Jack had the advantage of
+Sponge, for he could stare, or rather squint, at him without Sponge knowing
+it. The pint of wine apiece--at least, as near a pint apiece as Spigot
+could afford to let them have--somewhat strung Jack's nerves as well as his
+eyes, and he began to show more of the pupils and less of the whites than
+he did. He buzzed the bottle with such a hearty good will as settled the
+fate of another, which Sponge rang for as a matter of course. There was but
+the rejected one, which, however, Spigot put into a different decanter, and
+brought in with such an air as precluded either of them saying a word in
+disparagement of it.
+
+'Where are the hounds next week?' asked Sponge, sipping away at it.
+
+'Monday, Larkhall Hill; Tuesday, the cross-roads by Dallington Burn;
+Thursday, the Toll-bar at Whitburrow Green; Saturday, the kennels,' replied
+Jack.
+
+'Good places?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Monday's good,' replied Jack; 'draw Thorney Gorse--sure find; second draw,
+Barnlow Woods, and home by Loxley, Padmore, and so on.'
+
+'What sort of a place is Tuesday?'
+
+'Tuesday?' repeated Jack. 'Tuesday! Oh, that's the cross-roads. Capital
+place, unless the fox takes to Rumborrow Craigs, or gets into Seedywood
+Forest, when there's an end of it--at least, an end of everything except
+pulling one's horse's legs off in the stiff clayey rides. It's a long way
+from here, though,' observed Jack.
+
+'How far?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Good twenty miles,' replied Jack. 'It's sixteen from us; it'll be a good
+deal more from here.'
+
+'His lordship will lay out overnight, then?' observed Sponge.
+
+'Not he,' replied Jack. 'Takes better care of his sixpences than that. Up
+in the dark, breakfast by candlelight, grope our ways to the stable, and
+blunder along the deep lanes, and through all the by-roads in the
+country--get there somehow or another.'
+
+'Keen hand!' observed Sponge.
+
+'Mad!' replied Jack.
+
+They then paid their mutual respects to the port.
+
+'He hunts there on Tuesdays,' observed Jack, setting down his glass, 'so
+that he may have all Wednesday to get home in, and be sure of appearing on
+Thursday. There's no saying where he may finish with a cross-roads' meet.'
+
+By the time the worthies had finished the bottle, they had got a certain
+way into each other's confidence. The hint Lord Scamperdale had given about
+buying Sponge's horses still occupied Jack's mind; and the more he
+considered the subject, and the worth of a corner in his lordship's will,
+the more sensible he became of the truth of the old adage, that 'a bird in
+the hand is worth two in the bush.' 'My lord,' thought Jack, 'promises
+fair, but it is _but_ a chance, and a remote one. He may live many
+years--as long, perhaps longer, than me. Indeed, he puts me on horses that
+are anything but calculated to promote longevity. Then he may marry a wife
+who may eject me, as some wives do eject their husbands' agreeable friends;
+or he may change his mind, and leave me nothing after all.'
+
+All things considered, Jack came to the conclusion that he should not be
+doing himself justice if he did not take advantage of such fair
+opportunities as chance placed in his way, and therefore he thought he
+might as well be picking up a penny during his lordship's life, as be
+waiting for a contingency that might never occur. Mr. Jawleyford's
+indisposition preventing Jack making the announcement he was sent to do,
+made it incumbent on him, as he argued, to see what could be done with the
+alternative his lordship had proposed--namely, buying Sponge's horses. At
+least, Jack salved his conscience over with the old plea of duty; and had
+come to that conclusion as he again helped himself to the last glass in the
+bottle.
+
+'Would you like a little claret?' asked Sponge, with all the hospitality of
+a host.
+
+'No, hang your claret!' replied Jack.
+
+'A little brandy, perhaps?' suggested Sponge.
+
+'I shouldn't mind a glass of brandy,' replied Jack, 'by way of a nightcap.'
+
+Spigot, at this moment entering to announce tea and coffee, was interrupted
+in his oration by Sponge demanding some brandy.
+
+'Sorry,' replied Spigot, pretending to be quite taken by surprise, 'very
+sorry, sir--but, sir--master, sir--bed, sir--disturb him, sir.'
+
+'Oh, dash it, never mind that!' exclaimed Jack; 'tell him Mr.
+Sprag--Sprag--Spraggon' (the bottle of port beginning to make Jack rather
+inarticulate)--'tell him Mr. Spraggon wants a little.'
+
+'Dursn't disturb him, sir,' responded Spigot, with a shake of his head;
+'much as my place, sir, is worth, sir.'
+
+'Haven't you a little drop in your pantry, think you?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The _cook_ perhaps has,' replied Mr. Spigot, as if it was quite out of his
+line.
+
+'Well, go and ask her,' said Sponge; 'and bring some hot water and things,
+the same as we had last night, you know.'
+
+Mr. Spigot retired, and presently returned, bearing a tray with
+three-quarters of a bottle of brandy, which he impressed upon their minds
+was the 'cook's _own_.'
+
+'I dare say,' hiccuped Jack, holding the bottle up to the light.
+
+'Hope she wasn't using it herself,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Tell her we'll (hiccup) her health,' hiccuped Jack, pouring a liberal
+potation into his tumbler.
+
+'That'll be all you'll _do_, I dare say,' muttered Spigot to himself, as he
+sauntered back to his pantry.
+
+'Does Jaw stand smoking?' asked Jack, as Spigot disappeared.
+
+'Oh, I should think so,' replied Sponge; 'a friend like you, I'm sure,
+would be welcome'--Sponge thinking to indulge in a cigar, and lay the blame
+on Jack.
+
+'Well, if you think so,' said Jack, pulling out his cigar-case, or rather
+his lordship's, and staggering to the chimney-piece for a match, though
+there was a candle at his elbow, 'I'll have a pipe.'
+
+'So'll I,' said Sponge, 'if you'll give me a cigar.' 'Much yours as mine,'
+replied Jack, handing him his lordship's richly embroidered case with
+coronets and ciphers on either side, the gift of one of the many would-be
+Lady Scamperdales.
+
+'Want a light!' hiccuped Jack, who had now got a glow-worm end to his.
+
+'Thanks,' said Sponge, availing himself of the friendly overture.
+
+Our friends now whiffed and puffed away together--whiffing and puffing
+where whiffing and puffing had never been known before. The brandy began to
+disappear pretty quickly; it was better than the wine.
+
+'That's a n--n--nice--ish horse of yours,' stammered Jack, as he mixed
+himself a second tumbler.
+
+'Which?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The bur--bur--brown,' spluttered Jack.
+
+'He is _that_,' replied Sponge; 'best horse in this country by far.'
+
+'The che--che--chest--nut's not a ba--ba--bad un. I dare say,' observed
+Jack.
+
+'No, he's not,' replied Sponge; 'a deuced good un.'
+
+'I know a man who's rayther s--s--s--sweet on the b--b--br--brown,'
+observed Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+Sponge sat silent for a few seconds, pretending to be wrapt up in his
+'sublime tobacco.'
+
+'Is he a buyer, or just a jawer?' he asked at last.
+
+'Oh, a _buyer_,' replied Jack.
+
+'I'll _sell_,' said Sponge, with a strong emphasis on the sell.
+
+'How much?' asked Jack, sobering with the excitement.
+
+'Which?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The brown,' rejoined Jack.
+
+'Three hundred,' said Sponge; adding, 'I gave two for him.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Jack.
+
+A long pause then ensued. Jack thinking whether he should put the question
+boldly as to what Sponge would give him for effecting a sale, or should
+beat about the bush a little. At last he thought it would be most prudent
+to beat about the bush, and see if Sponge would make an offer.
+
+'Well,' said Jack, 'I'll s--s--s--see what I can do.'
+
+'That's a good fellow,' said Sponge; adding, 'I'll remember you if you do.'
+
+'I dare say I can s--s--s--sell them both, for that matter,' observed Jack,
+encouraged by the promise.
+
+'Well,' replied Sponge, 'I'll take the same for the chestnut; there isn't
+the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice between them.'
+
+'Well,' said Jack,' we'll s--s--s--see them next week.'
+
+'Just so,' said Sponge.
+
+'You r--r--ride well up to the h--h--hounds,' continued Jack; 'and let his
+lordship s--s--see w--w--what they can do.'
+
+'I will,' said Sponge, wishing he was at work.
+
+'Never mind his rowing,' observed Jack; 'he c--c--can't help it.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge, puffing away at his cigar.
+
+When men once begin to drink brandy-and-water (after wine) there's an end
+of all note of time. Our friends--for we 'may now call them so,' sat sip,
+sip, sipping--mix, mix, mixing; now strengthening, now weakening, now
+warming, now flavouring, till they had not only finished the hot water but
+a large jug of cold, that graced the centre of the table between two
+frosted tumblers, and had nearly got through the brandy too.
+
+'May as well fi--fi--fin--nish the bottle,' observed Jack, holding it up to
+the candle. 'Just a thi--thi--thim--bleful apiece,' added he, helping
+himself to about three-quarters of what there was.
+
+'You've taken your share,' observed Sponge, as the bottle suspended payment
+before he got half the quantity that Jack had.
+
+'Sque--ee--eze it,' replied Jack, suiting the action to the word, and
+working away at an exhausted lemon.
+
+At length they finished.
+
+'Well, I s'pose we may as well go and have some tea,' observed Jack.
+
+'It's not announced yet,' said Sponge, 'but I make no doubt it will be
+ready.'
+
+So saying, the worthies rose, and, after sundry bumps and certain
+irregularities of course, they each succeeded in reaching the door. The
+passage lamp had died out and filled the corridor with its fragrance.
+Sponge, however, knew the way, and the darkness favored the adjustment of
+cravats and the fingering of hair. Having got up a sort of drunken simper,
+Sponge opened the drawing-room door, expecting to find smiling ladies in a
+blaze of light. All, however, was darkness, save the expiring embers in the
+grate. The tick, tick, tick, ticking of the clocks sounded wonderfully
+clear.
+
+'Gone to bed!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'WHO-HOOP!' shrieked Jack, at the top of his voice.
+
+'What's smatter, gentlemen?--What's smatter?' exclaimed Spigot rushing in,
+rubbing his eyes with one hand, and holding a block tin candlestick in the
+other.
+
+'Nothin',' replied Jack, squinting his eyes inside out; adding, 'get me a
+devilled--' (hiccup).
+
+'Don't know how to do them here, sir,' snapped Spigot.
+
+'Devilled turkey's leg though you do, you rascal!' rejoined Jack, doubling
+his fists and putting himself in posture.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' replied Spigot, 'but the cook, sir, is gone to bed, sir.
+Do you know, sir, what o'clock it is, sir?'
+
+'No,' replied Jack.
+
+'What time is it?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Twenty minutes to two,' replied Spigot, holding up a sort of pocket
+warming-pan, which he called a watch.
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'Who'd ha' thought it?' muttered Jack.
+
+'Well, then, I suppose we may as well go to bed,' observed Sponge.
+
+'S'pose so,' replied Jack; 'nothin' more to get.'
+
+'Do you know your room?' asked Sponge.
+
+'To be sure I do,' replied Jack; 'don't think I'm d--d--dr--drunk, do you?'
+
+'Not likely,' rejoined Sponge.
+
+Jack then commenced a very crab-like ascent of the stairs, which
+fortunately were easy, or he would never have got up. Mr. Sponge, who still
+occupied the state apartments, took leave of Jack at his own door, and Jack
+went bumping and blundering on in search of the branch passage leading to
+his piggery. He found the green baize door that usually distinguishes the
+entrance to these secondary suites, and was presently lurching along its
+contracted passage. As luck would have it, however, he got into his host's
+dressing-room, where that worthy slept; and when Jawleyford jumped up in
+the morning, as was his wont, to see what sort of a day it was, he trod on
+Jack's face, who had fallen down in his clothes alongside of the bed, and
+Jawleyford broke Jack's spectacles across the bridge of his nose.
+
+'Rot it!' roared Jack, jumping up, 'don't ride over a fellow that way!'
+When, shaking himself to try whether any limbs were broken, he found he was
+in his dress clothes instead of in the roomy garments of the Flat Hat Hunt.
+'Who are you? where am I? what the deuce do you mean by breaking my specs?'
+he exclaimed, squinting frightfully at his host.
+
+'My dear sir,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, from the top of his night-shirt,
+'I'm very sorry, but--'
+
+'Hang your _buts_! you shouldn't ride so near a man!' exclaimed Jack,
+gathering up the fragments of his spectacles; when, recollecting himself,
+he finished by saying, 'Perhaps I'd better go to my own room.'
+
+'Perhaps you had,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, advancing towards the door to
+show him the way.
+
+'Let me have a candle,' said Jack, preparing to follow.
+
+'Candle, my dear fellow! why, it's broad daylight,' replied his host.
+
+'Is it?' said Jack, apparently unconscious of the fact. 'What's the hour?'
+
+'Five minutes to eight,' replied Jawleyford, looking at a timepiece.
+
+When Jack got into his own den he threw himself into an old invalid chair,
+and sat rubbing the fractured spectacles together as if he thought they
+would unite by friction, though in reality he was endeavouring to run the
+overnight's proceedings through his mind. The more he thought of Amelia's
+winning ways, the more satisfied he was that he had made an impression, and
+then the more vexed he was at having his spectacles broken: for though he
+considered himself very presentable without them, still he could not but
+feel that they were a desirable addition. Then, too, he had a splitting
+headache; and finding that breakfast was not till ten and might be a good
+deal later, all things considered, he determined to be off and follow up
+his success under more favourable auspices. Considering that all the
+clothes he had with him were his lordship's, he thought it immaterial which
+he went home in, so to save trouble he just wrapped himself up in his
+mackintosh and travelled in the dress ones he had on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was fortunate for Mr. Sponge that he went, for, when Jawleyford smelt
+the indignity that had been offered to his dining-room, he broke out in
+such a torrent of indignation as would have been extremely unpleasant if
+there had not been some one to lay the blame on. Indeed, he was not
+particularly gracious to Mr. Sponge as it was; but that arose as much from
+certain dark hints that had worked their way from the servants' hall into
+'my lady's chamber' as to our friend's pecuniary resources and prospects.
+Jawleyford began to suspect that Sponge might not be quite the great
+'catch' he was represented.
+
+Beyond, however, putting a few searching questions--which Mr. Sponge
+skilfully parried--advising his daughters to be cautious, lessening the
+number of lights, and lowering the scale of his entertainments generally,
+Mr. Jawleyford did not take any decided step in the matter. Mr. Spraggon
+comforted Lord Scamperdale with the assurance that Amelia had no idea of
+Sponge, who he made no doubt would very soon be out of the country--and his
+lordship went to church and prayed most devoutly for him to go.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+MR. AND MRS. SPRINGWHEAT
+
+    'Lord Scamperdale's foxhounds meet on Monday at Larkhall Hill,'
+    &c. &c.--_County Paper_.
+
+
+The Flat Hat Hunt had relapsed into its wonted quiet, and 'Larkhall Hill'
+saw none but the regular attendants, men without the slightest particle of
+curve in their hats--hats, indeed, that looked as if the owners sat upon
+them when they hadn't them on their heads. There was Fyle, and Fossick, and
+Blossomnose, and Sparks, and Joyce, and Capon, and Dribble, and a few
+others, but neither Washball nor Puffington, nor any of the holiday birds.
+
+[Illustration: HIS LORDSHIP HAS IT ALL TO HIMSELF]
+
+Precisely at ten, my lord, and his hounds, and his huntsman, and his whips,
+and his Jack, trotted round Farmer Springwheat's spacious back premises,
+and appeared in due form before the green rails in front. 'Pride attends us
+all,' as the poet says; and if his lordship had ridden into the yard, and
+halloaed out for a glass of home-brewed, Springwheat would have trapped
+every fox on his farm, and the blooming Mrs. Springwheat would have had an
+interminable poultry-bill against the hunt; whereas, simply by 'making
+things pleasant'--that is to say, coming to breakfast--Springwheat saw his
+corn trampled on, nay, led the way over it himself, and Mrs. Springwheat
+saw her Dorkings disappear without a murmur--unless, indeed, an inquiry
+when his lordship would be coming could be considered in that light.
+
+Larkhall Hill stood in the centre of a circle, on a gentle eminence,
+commanding a view over a farm whose fertile fields and well-trimmed fences
+sufficiently indicated its boundaries, and looked indeed as if all the good
+of the country had come up to it. It was green and luxuriant even in
+winter, while the strong cane-coloured stubbles showed what a crop there
+had been. Turnips as big as cheeses swelled above the ground. In a little
+narrow dell, whose existence was more plainly indicated from the house by
+several healthy spindling larches shooting up from among the green gorse,
+was the cover--an almost certain find, with the almost equal certainty of a
+run from it. It occupied both sides of the sandy, rabbit-frequented dell,
+through which ran a sparkling stream, and it possessed the great advantage
+to foot-people of letting them see the fox found. Larkhall Hill was,
+therefore, a favourite both with horse and foot. So much good--at all
+events, so much well-farmed land would seem to justify a better or more
+imposing-looking house, the present one consisting, exclusive of the
+projecting garret ones in the Dutch tile roof, of the usual four windows
+and a door, that so well tell their own tale; passage in the middle,
+staircase in front, parlour on the right, best ditto on the left, with
+rooms to correspond above. To be sure, there was a great depth of house to
+the back; but this in no way contributed to the importance of the front,
+from which point alone the Springwheats chose to have it contemplated. If
+the back arrangements could have been divided, and added to the sides, they
+would have made two very good wings to the old red brick rose-entwined
+mansion. Having mentioned that its colour was red, it is almost superfluous
+to add that the door and rails were green.
+
+This was a busy morning at Larkhall Hill. It was the first day of the
+season of my lord's hounds meeting there, and the handsome Mrs. Springwheat
+had had as much trouble in overhauling the china and linen, and in dressing
+the children, preparatory to breakfast, as Springwheat had had in
+collecting knives and forks, and wine-glasses and tumblers for his
+department of the entertainment, to say nothing of looking after his new
+tops and cords. 'The Hill,' as the country people call it, was 'full fig';
+and a bright, balmy winter's day softened the atmosphere, and felt as
+though a summer's day had been shaken out of its place into winter. It is
+not often that the English climate is accommodating enough to lend its aid
+to set off a place to advantage.
+
+Be that, however, as it may, things looked smiling both without and within.
+Mrs. Springwheat, by dint of early rising and superintendence, had got
+things into such a state of forwardness as to be able to adorn herself with
+a little jaunty cap--curious in microscopic punctures and cherry-coloured
+ribbon interlardments--placed so far back on her finely-shaped head as to
+proclaim beyond all possibility of cavil that it was there for ornament,
+and not for the purpose of concealing the liberties of time with her
+well-kept, clearly parted, raven-black hair. Liberties of time, forsooth!
+Mrs. Springwheat was in the heighday of womanhood; and though she had
+presented Springwheat with twins three times in succession, besides an
+eldest son, she was as young, fresh-looking, and finely figured as she was
+the day she was married. She was now dressed in a very fine French grey
+merino, with a very small crochet-work collar, and, of course, capacious
+muslin sleeves. The high flounces to her dress set off her smart waist to
+great advantage.
+
+Mrs. Springwheat had got everything ready, and herself too, by the time
+Lord Scamperdale's second horseman rode into the yard and demanded a stall
+for his horse. Knowing how soon the balloon follows the pilot, she
+immediately ranged the Stunner-tartan-clad children in the breakfast-room;
+and as the first whip's rate sounded as he rode round the corner, she sank
+into an easy-chair by the fire, with a lace-fringed kerchief in the one
+hand and the _Mark Lane Express_ in the other.
+
+'Halloa! Springey!' followed by the heavy crack of a whip, announced the
+arrival of his lordship before the green palings; and a loud view halloa
+burst from Jack, as the object of inquiry was seen dancing about the
+open-windowed room above, with his face all flushed with the exertion of
+pulling on a very tight boot.
+
+'Come in, my lord! pray, come in! The missis is below!' exclaimed
+Springwheat, from the window; and just at the moment the pad-groom emerged
+from the house, and ran to his lordship's horse's head.
+
+His lordship and Jack then dismounted, and gave their hacks in charge of
+the servant; while Wake, and Fyle, and Archer, who were also of the party,
+scanned the countenances of the surrounding idlers, to see in whose hands
+they had best confide their nags.
+
+In Lord Scamperdale stamped, followed by his train-band bold, and Maria,
+the maid, being duly stationed in the passage, threw open the parlour door
+on the left, and discovered Mrs. Springwheat sitting in attitude.
+
+'Well, my lady, and how are you?' exclaimed his lordship, advancing gaily,
+and seizing both her pretty hands as she rose to receive him. 'I declare,
+you look younger and prettier every time I see you.'
+
+'Oh! my lord,' simpered Mrs. Springwheat, 'you gentlemen are always so
+complimentary.'
+
+'Not a bit of it!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing her intently through his
+silver spectacles, for he had been obliged to let Jack have the other pair
+of tortoiseshell-rimmed ones. 'Not a bit of it,' repeated his lordship. 'I
+always tell Jack you are the handsomest woman in Christendom; don't I,
+Jack?' inquired his lordship, appealing to his factotum.
+
+'Yes, my lord,' replied Jack, who always swore to whatever his lordship
+said.
+
+'By Jove!' continued his lordship, with a stamp of his foot, 'if I could
+find such a woman I'd marry her to-morrow. Not such women as you to pick up
+every day. And what a lot of pretty pups!' exclaimed his lordship, starting
+back, pretending to be struck with the row of staring, black-haired,
+black-eyed, half-frightened children. 'Now, that's what I call a good
+entry,' continued his lordship, scrutinizing them attentively, and pointing
+them out to Jack; 'all dogs--all boys I mean!' added he.
+
+'No, my lord,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, laughing, 'these are girls,'
+laying her hand on the heads of two of them, who were now full giggle at
+the idea of being taken for boys.
+
+'Well, they're devilish handsome, anyhow,' replied his lordship, thinking
+he might as well be done with the inspection.
+
+Springwheat himself now made his appearance, as fine a sample of a man as
+his wife was of a woman. His face was flushed with the exertion of pulling
+on his tight boots, and his lordship felt the creases the hooks had left as
+he shook him by the hand.
+
+'Well, Springey,' said he, 'I was just asking your wife after the new
+babby.'
+
+'Oh, thank you, my lord,' replied Springey, with a shake of his curly head;
+'thank you, my lord; no new babbies, my lord, with wheat below forty, my
+lord.'
+
+'Well, but you've got a pair of new boots, at all events,' observed his
+lordship, eyeing Springwheat's refractory calves bagging over the tops of
+them.
+
+''Deed have I!' replied Springwheat; 'and a pair of uncommon awkward tight
+customers they are,' added he, trying to move his feet about in them.
+
+'Ah! you should always have a chap to wear your boots a few times before
+you put them on yourself,' observed his lordship. 'I never have a pair of
+tight uns,' added he; 'Jack here always does the needful by mine.'
+
+'That's all very well for lords,' replied Mr. Springwheat; 'but us farmers
+wear out our boots fast enough ourselves, without anybody to help us.'
+
+'Well, but I s'pose we may as well fall to,' observed his lordship, casting
+his eye upon the well-garnished table. 'All these good things are meant to
+eat, I s'pose,' added he: 'cakes, and sweets, and jellies without end: and
+as to your sideboard,' said he, turning round and looking at it, 'it's a
+match for any Lord Mayor's. A round of beef, a ham, a tongue, and is that a
+goose or a turkey?'
+
+'A turkey, my lord,' replied Springwheat; 'home-fed, my lord.'
+
+'Ah, home-fed, indeed!' ejaculated his lordship, with a shake of the head:
+'home-fed: wish I could feed at home. The man who said that
+
+    E'en from the peasant to the lord,
+    The turkey smokes on every board,
+
+told a big un, for I'm sure none ever smokes on mine.'
+
+'Take a little here to-day, then,' observed Mr. Springwheat, cutting deep
+into the white breast.
+
+'I will,' replied his lordship, 'I will: and a slice of tongue, too,' added
+he.
+
+'There are some hot sausingers comin',' observed Mr. Springwheat.
+
+'You _don't_ say so,' replied his lordship, apparently thunderstruck at the
+announcement. 'Well, I must have all three. By Jove, Jack!' said he,
+appealing to his friend, 'but you've lit on your legs coming here. Here's a
+breakfast fit to set before the Queen--muffins, and crumpets, and cakes.
+Let me advise you to make the best use of your time, for you have but
+twenty minutes,' continued his lordship, looking at his watch, 'and muffins
+and crumpets don't come in your way every day.'
+
+''Deed they don't,' replied Jack, with a grin.
+
+'Will your lordship take tea or coffee?' asked Mrs. Springwheat, who had
+now taken her seat at the top of the table, behind a richly chased
+equipage for the distribution of those beverages.
+
+''Pon my word,' replied his lordship, apparently bewildered--''pon my word,
+I don't know what to say. Tea or coffee? To tell you the truth, I was going
+to take something out of my black friend yonder,' nodding to where a French
+bottle like a tall bully was lifting its head above an encircling stand of
+liqueur-glasses.
+
+'Suppose you have a little of what we call laced tea, my lord--tea with a
+dash of brandy in it?' suggested Mr. Springwheat.
+
+'Laced tea,' repeated his lordship; 'laced tea: so I will,' said he.
+'Deuced good idea--deuced good idea,' continued he, bringing the bottle and
+seating himself on Mrs. Springwheat's right, while his host helped him to a
+most plentiful plate of turkey and tongue. The table was now about full, as
+was the room; the guests just rolling in as they would to a public-house,
+and helping themselves to whatever they liked. Great was the noise of
+eating.
+
+As his lordship was in the full enjoyment of his plateful of meat, he
+happened to look up, and, the space between him and the window being clear,
+he saw something that caused him to drop his knife and fork and fall back
+in his chair as if he was shot.
+
+'My lord's ill!' exclaimed Mr. Springwheat, who, being the only man with
+his nose up, was the first to perceive it.
+
+'Clap him on the back!' shrieked Mrs. Springwheat, who considered that an
+infallible recipe for the ailments of children.
+
+'Oh, Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both, as they rushed to his assistance, 'what
+is the matter with my lord?'
+
+'Oh, that Mister something!' gasped his lordship, bending forward in his
+chair, and venturing another glance through the window.
+
+Sure enough, there was Sponge, in the act of dismounting from the piebald,
+and resigning it with becoming dignity to his trusty groom, Mr. Leather,
+who stood most respectfully--Parvo in hand--waiting to receive it.
+
+Mr. Sponge, being of opinion that a red coat is a passport everywhere,
+having stamped the mud sparks off his boots at the door, swaggered in with
+the greatest coolness, exclaiming as he bobbed his head to the lady, and
+looked round at the company:
+
+'What, grubbing away! grubbing away, eh?'
+
+'Won't you take a little refreshment?' asked Mr. Springwheat, in the hearty
+way these hospitable fellows welcome everybody.
+
+'Yes, I will,' replied Sponge, turning to the sideboard as though it were
+an inn. 'That's a monstrous fine ham,' observed he; 'why doesn't somebody
+cut it?'
+
+'Let me help you to some, sir,' replied Mr. Springwheat, seizing the
+buck-handled knife and fork, and diving deep into the rich red meat with
+the knife.
+
+Mr. Sponge having got two bountiful slices, with a knotch of home-made
+brown bread, and some mustard on his plate, now made for the table, and
+elbowed himself into a place between Mr. Fossick and Sparks, immediately
+opposite Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Good morning,' said he to that worthy, as he saw the whites of his eyes
+showing through his spectacles.
+
+'Mornin',' muttered Jack, as if his mouth was either too full to
+articulate, or he didn't want to have anything to say to Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Here's a fine hunting morning, my lord,' observed Sponge, addressing
+himself to his lordship, who sat on Jack's left.
+
+'Here's a very fine hunting morning, my lord,' repeated Sponge, not getting
+an answer to his first assertion.
+
+'Is it?' blurted his lordship, pretending to be desperately busy with the
+contents of his plate, though in reality his appetite was gone.
+
+A dead pause now ensued, interrupted only by the clattering of knives and
+forks, and the occasional exclamations of parties in want of some
+particular article of food. A chill had come over the scene--a chill whose
+cause was apparent to every one, except the worthy host and hostess, who
+had not heard of Mr. Sponge's descent upon the country. They attributed it
+to his lordship's indisposition, and Mr. Springwheat endeavoured to cheer
+him up with the prospect of sport.
+
+'There's a brace, if not a leash, of foxes in cover, my lord,' observed he,
+seeing his lordship was only playing with the contents of his plate.
+
+'Is there?' exclaimed his lordship, brightening up: 'let's be at 'em!'
+added he, jumping up and diving under the side-table for his flat hat and
+heavy iron hammer-headed whip. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs. Springwheat,'
+exclaimed he, putting on his hat and seizing both her soft fat-fingered
+hands and squeezing them ardently. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs.
+Springwheat,' repeated he, adding, 'By Jove! if ever there was an angel in
+petticoats, you're her; I'd give a hundred pounds for such a wife as you!
+I'd give a thousand pounds for such a wife as you! By the powers! I'd give
+five thousand pounds for such a wife as you!' With which asseverations his
+lordship stamped away in his great clumsy boots, amidst the ill-suppressed
+laughter of the party.
+
+'No hurry, gentlemen--no hurry,' observed Mr. Springwheat, as some of the
+keen ones were preparing to follow, and began sorting their hats, and
+making the mistakes incident to their being all the same shape. 'No hurry,
+sir--no hurry, sir,' repeated Springwheat, addressing Mr. Sponge
+specifically; 'his lordship will have a talk to his hounds yet, and his
+horse is still in the stable.'
+
+With this assurance Mr. Sponge resumed his seat at the table, where several
+of the hungry ones were plying their knives and forks as if they were
+indeed breaking their fasts.
+
+'Well, old boy, and how are you?' asked Sponge, as the whites of Jack's
+eyes again settled upon him, on the latter's looking up from his plateful
+of sausages.
+
+'Nicely. How are you?' asked Jack.
+
+'Nicely too,' replied Sponge, in the laconic way men speak who have been
+engaged in some common enterprise--getting drunk, pelting people with
+rotten eggs, or anything of that sort.
+
+'Jaw and the ladies well?' asked Jack, in the same strain.
+
+'Oh, nicely,' said Sponge.
+
+'Take a glass of cherry-brandy,' exclaimed the hospitable Mr. Springwheat:
+'nothing like a drop of something for steadying the nerves.'
+
+'Presently,' replied Sponge, 'presently; meanwhile I'll trouble the missis
+for a cup of coffee. Coffee without sugar,' said Sponge, addressing the
+lady.
+
+'With pleasure,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, glad to get a little custom for
+her goods. Most of the gentlemen had been at the bottles and sideboard.
+
+Springwheat, seeing Mr. Sponge, the only person who, as a stranger, there
+was any occasion for him to attend to, in the care of his wife, now slipped
+out of the room, and mounting his five-year-old horse, whose tail stuck out
+like the long horn of a coach, as his ploughman groom said, rode off to
+join the hunt.
+
+'By the powers, but those are capital sarsingers!' observed Jack, smacking
+his lips and eating away for hard life. 'Just look if my lord's on his
+horse yet,' added he to one of the children, who had begun to hover round
+the table and dive their fingers into the sweets.
+
+'No,' replied the child; 'he's still on foot, playing with the dogs.'
+
+'Here goes, then,' said Jack, 'for another plate,' suiting the action to
+the word, and running with his plate to the sausage-dish.
+
+'Have a hot one,' exclaimed Mrs. Springwheat, adding, 'it will be done in a
+minute.'
+
+'No, thank ye,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head, adding, 'I might be
+done in a minute too.'
+
+'He'll wait for you, I suppose?' observed Sponge, addressing Jack.
+
+'Not so clear about that,' replied Jack, gobbling away; 'time and my lord
+wait for no man. But it's hardly the half-hour yet,' added he, looking at
+his watch.
+
+He then fell to with the voracity of a hound after hunting. Sponge, too,
+made the most of his time, as did two or three others who still remained.
+
+'Now for the jumping-powder!' at length exclaimed Sponge, looking round for
+the bottle. 'What shall it be, cherry or neat?' continued he, pointing to
+the two. 'Cherry for me,' replied Jack, squinting and eating away without
+looking up.
+
+'I say _neat_,' rejoined Sponge, helping himself out of the French bottle.
+
+'You'll be hard to hold after that,' observed Jack, as he eyed Sponge
+tossing it off.
+
+'I hope my horse won't,' replied Sponge, remembering he was going to ride
+the resolute chestnut.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'You'll show us the way, I dare say,' observed Jack.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Sponge, helping himself to a second glass.
+
+'What! at it again!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'Take care you don't ride over
+my lord.'
+
+'I'll take care of the old file,' said Sponge; 'it wouldn't do to kill the
+goose that lays the golden what-do-ye-call-'ems, you know--he, he, he!'
+
+'No,' chuckled Jack;' 'deed it wouldn't--must make the most of him.'
+
+'What sort of a humour is he in to-day?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Middlin',' replied Jack, 'middlin'; he'll abuse you most likely, but that
+you mustn't mind.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge, who was used to that sort of thing.
+
+'You mustn't mind me either,' observed Jack, sweeping the last piece of
+sausage into his mouth with his knife, and jumping up from the table. 'When
+his lordship rows I row,' added he, diving under the side-table for his
+flat hat.
+
+'Hark! there's the horn!' exclaimed Sponge, rushing to the window.
+
+'So there is,' responded Jack, standing transfixed on one leg to the spot.
+
+'By the powers, they're away!' exclaimed Sponge, as his lordship was seen
+hat in hand careering over the meadow, beyond the cover, with the tail
+hounds straining to overtake their flying comrades. Twang--twang--twang
+went Frostyface's horn; crack--crack--crack went the ponderous thongs of
+the whips; shouts, and yells, and yelps, and whoops, and halloas,
+proclaimed the usual wild excitement of this privileged period of the
+chase. All was joy save among the gourmands assembled at the door--they
+looked blank indeed.
+
+'What a sell!' exclaimed Sponge, in disgust, who, with Jack, saw the
+hopelessness of the case.
+
+'Yonder he goes!' exclaimed a lad, who had run up from the cover to see the
+hunt from the rising ground.
+
+'Where?' exclaimed Sponge, straining his eyeballs.
+
+'There!' said the lad, pointing due south. 'D'ye see Tommy Claychop's
+pasture? Now he's through the hedge and into Mrs. Starveland's turnip
+field, making right for Bramblebrake Wood on the hill.'
+
+'So he is,' said Sponge, who now caught sight of the fox emerging from the
+turnips on to a grass field beyond.
+
+Jack stood staring through his great spectacles, without deigning a word.
+
+'What shall we do?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Do?' replied Jack, with his chin still up; 'go home, I should think.'
+
+'There's a man down!' exclaimed a groom, who formed one of the group, as a
+dark-coated rider and horse measured their length on a pasture.
+
+'It's Mr. Sparks,' said another, adding, 'he's always rolling about.'
+
+'Lor', look at the parson!' exclaimed a third, as Blossomnose was seen
+gathering his horse and setting up his shoulders preparatory to riding at a
+gate.
+
+'Well done, old 'un!' roared a fourth, as the horse flew over it,
+apparently without an effort.
+
+'Now for Tom!' cried several, as the second whip went galloping up on the
+line of the gate.
+
+'Ah! he won't have it!' was the cry, as the horse suddenly stopped short,
+nearly shooting Tom over his head. 'Try him again--try him again--take a
+good run--that's him--there, he's over!' was the cry, as Tom flourished his
+arm in the air on landing.
+
+'Look! there's old Tommy Baker, the rat-ketcher!' cried another, as a man
+went working his arms and legs on an old white pony across a fallow.
+
+'Ah, Tommy! Tommy! you'd better shut up,' observed another: 'a pig could go
+as fast as that.'
+
+And so they criticized the laggers.
+
+'How did my lord get his horse?' asked Spraggon of the groom who had
+brought them on, who now joined the eye-straining group at the door.
+
+'It was taken down to him at the cover,' replied the man. 'My lord went in
+on foot, and the horse went round the back way. The horse wasn't there half
+a minute before he was wanted; for no sooner were the hounds in at one end
+than out popped the fox at t'other. Sich a whopper!--biggest fox that ever
+was seen.'
+
+'They are all the biggest foxes that ever were seen,' snapped Mr. Sponge.
+'I'll be bound he was not a bit bigger than common.'
+
+'I'll be bound not, either,' growled Mr. Spraggon, squinting frightfully at
+the man, adding, 'go, get me my hack, and don't be talking nonsense there.'
+
+Our friends then remounted their hacks and parted company in very moderate
+humours, feeling fully satisfied that his lordship had done it on purpose.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+THE FINEST RUN THAT EVER WAS SEEN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Hoo-ray, Jack! Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, bursting into his
+sanctum where Mr. Spraggon sat in his hunting coat and slippers, spelling
+away at a second-hand copy of _Bell's Life_ by the light of a melancholy
+mould candle. 'Hooray, Jack! hooray!' repeated he, waving that proud
+trophy, a splendid fox's brush, over his grizzly head.
+
+His lordship was the picture of delight. He had had a tremendous run--the
+finest run that ever was seen! His hounds had behaved to perfection; his
+horse--though he had downed him three times--had carried him well, and his
+lordship stood with his crownless flat hat in his hand, and one coat lap in
+the pocket of the other--a grinning, exulting, self-satisfied specimen of a
+happy Englishman.
+
+'Lor! what a sight you are!' observed Jack, turning the light of the candle
+upon his lordship's dirty person. 'Why, I declare you're an inch thick with
+mud,' he added, 'mud from head to foot,' he continued, working the light up
+and down.
+
+'Never mind the mud, you old badger!' roared his lordship, still waving the
+brush over his head: 'never mind the mud, you old badger; the mud'll come
+off, or may stay on; but such a run as we've had does not come off every
+day.'
+
+'Well, I'm glad you have had a run,' replied Jack. 'I'm glad you have had a
+run,' adding, 'I was afraid at one time that your day's sport was spoiled.'
+
+'Well, do you know,' replied his lordship, 'when I saw that unrighteous
+snob, I was near sick. If it were possible for a man to faint, I should
+have thought I was going to do so. At first I thought of going home, taking
+the hounds away too; then I thought of going myself and leaving the hounds;
+then I thought if I left the hounds it would only make the sinful
+scaramouch more outrageous, and I should be sitting on pins and needles
+till they came home, thinking how he was crashing among them. Next I
+thought of drawing all the unlikely places in the country, and making a
+blank day of it. Then I thought that would only be like cutting off my nose
+to spite my face. Then I didn't know what on earth to do. At last, when I
+saw the critter's great pecker steadily down in his plate, I thought I
+would try and steal a march upon him, and get away with my fox while he was
+feeding; and, oh! how thankful I was when I looked back from Bramblebrake
+Hill, and saw no signs of him in the distance.'
+
+'It wasn't likely you'd see him,' interrupted Jack, 'for he never got away
+from the front door. I twigged what you were after, and kept him up in talk
+about his horses and his ridin' till I saw you were fairly away.'
+
+'You did well,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, patting Jack on the back; 'you
+did well, my old buck-o'-wax; and, by Jove! we'll have a bottle of port--a
+bottle of port, as I live,' repeated his lordship, as if he had made up his
+mind to do a most magnificent act.
+
+'But what's happened you behind?--what's happened you behind?' asked Jack,
+as his lordship turned to the fire, and exhibited his docked tail.
+
+'Oh, hang the coat!--it's neither here nor there,' replied his lordship;
+'hat neither,' he added, exhibiting its crushed proportions. 'Old
+Blossomnose did the coat; and as to the hat, I did it myself--at least, old
+Daddy Longlegs and I did it between us. We got into a grass-field, of
+which they had cut a few roods of fence, just enough to tempt a man out of
+a very deep lane, and away we sailed, in the enjoyment of fine sound sward,
+with the rest of the field plunging and floundering, and holding and
+grinning, and thinking what fools they were for not following my
+example--when, lo and behold! I got to the bottom of the field, and found
+there was no way out--no chance of a bore through the great thick, high
+hedge, except at a branchy willow, where there was just enough room to
+squeeze a horse through, provided he didn't rise at the ditch on the far
+side. At first I was for getting off; indeed, had my right foot out of the
+stirrup, when the hounds dashed forrard with such energy--looking like
+running--and remembering the tremendous climb I should have to get on to
+old Daddy's back again, and seeing some of the nasty jealous chaps in the
+lane eyeing me through the fence, thinking how I was floored, I determined
+to stay where I was; and gathering the horse together, tried to squeeze
+through the hole. Well, he went shuffling and sliding down to it, as though
+he were conscious of the difficulty, and poked his head quietly past the
+tree, when, getting a sight of the ditch on the far side, he rose, and
+banged my head against the branch above, crushing my hat right over my
+eyes, and in that position he carried me through blindfold.'
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack, turning his spectacles full upon his lordship,
+and adding, 'it's lucky he didn't crack your crown.'
+
+'It is,' assented his lordship, feeling his head to satisfy himself that he
+had not done so.
+
+'And how did you lose your tail?' asked Jack, having got the information
+about the hat.
+
+'The tail! ah, the tail!' replied his lordship, feeling behind, where it
+wasn't;' I'll tell you how that was: you see we went away like blazes from
+Springwheat's gorse--nice gorse it is, and nice woman he has for a
+wife--but, however, that's neither here nor there; what I was going to tell
+you about was the run, and how I lost my tail. Well, we got away like
+winking; no sooner were the hounds in on one side than away went the fox
+on the other. Not a soul shouted till he was clean gone; hats in the air
+was all that told his departure. The fox thus had time to run matters
+through his mind--think whether he should go to Ravenscar Craigs, or make
+for the main earths at Painscastle Grove. He chose the latter, doubtless
+feeling himself strong and full of running; and if we had chosen his ground
+for him he could not have taken us a finer line. He went as straight as an
+arrow through Bramblebrake Wood, and then away down the hill over those
+great enormous pastures to Haselbury Park, which he skirted, leaving
+Evercreech Green on the left, pointing as if for Dormston Dean. Here he was
+chased by a cur, and the hounds were brought to a momentary check. Frosty,
+however, was well up, and a hat being held up on Hothersell Hill, he
+clapped forrard and laid the hounds on beyond. We then viewed the fox
+sailing away over Eddlethorp Downs, still pointing for Painscastle Grove,
+with the Hamerton Brook lighting up here and there in the distance.
+
+'The field, I should tell you, were fairly taken by surprise. There wasn't
+a man ready for a start; my horse had only just come down. Fossick was on
+foot, drawing his girths; Fyle was striking a light to smoke a cigar on his
+hack; Blossomnose and Capon's grooms were fistling and wisping their
+horses; Dribble, as usual, was all behind; and altogether there was such a
+scene of hurry and confusion as never was seen.
+
+'As they came to the brook they got somewhat into line, and one saw who was
+there. Five or six of us charged it together, and two went under. One was
+Springwheat on his bay, who was somewhat pumped out; the other was said to
+be Hook. Old Daddy Longlegs skimmed it like a swallow, and, getting his
+hind-legs well under him, shot over the pastures beyond, as if he was going
+upon turf. The hounds all this time had been running, or rather racing,
+nearly mute. They now, however, began to feel for the scent; and, as they
+got upon the cold, bleak grounds above Somerton Quarries, they were fairly
+brought to their noses. Uncommon glad I was to see them; for ten minutes
+more, at the pace they had been going, would have shaken off every man
+Jack of us. As it was, it was bellows to mend; and Calcott's roarer roared
+as surely roarer never roared before. You could hear him half a mile off.
+We had barely time, however, to turn our horses to the wind, and ease them
+for a few moments, before the pace began to mend, and from a catching to a
+holding scent they again poured across Wallingburn pastures, and away to
+Roughacres Court. It was between these places that I got my head duntled
+into my hat,' continued his lordship, knocking the crownless hat against
+his mud-stained knee. 'However, I didn't care a button, though I'd not worn
+it above two years, and it might have lasted me a long time about home; but
+misfortunes seldom come singly, and I was soon to have another. The few of
+us that were left were all for the lanes, and very accommodating the one
+between Newton Bushell and the Forty-foot Bank was, the hounds running
+parallel within a hundred yards on the left for nearly a mile. When,
+however, we got to the old water-mill in the fields below, the fox made a
+bend to the left, as if changing his mind, and making for Newtonbroome
+Woods, and we were obliged to try the fortunes of war in the fields. The
+first fence we came to looked like nothing, and there was a weak place
+right in my line that I rode at, expecting the horse would easily bore
+through a few twigs that crossed the upper part of it. These, however,
+happened to be twisted, to stop the gap, and not having put on enough
+steam, they checked him as he rose, and brought him right down on his head
+in the broad ditch, on the far side. Old Blossomnose, who was following
+close behind, not making any allowance for falls, was in the air before I
+was well down, and his horse came with a forefoot, into my pocket, and tore
+the lap clean off by the skirt'; his lordship exhibiting the lap as he
+spoke.
+
+'It's your new coat, too,' observed Jack, examining it with concern as he
+spoke.
+
+''Deed, is it!' replied his lordship, with a shake of the head. ''Deed, is
+it! That's the consequence of having gone out to breakfast. If it had been
+to-morrow, for instance, I should have had number two on, or maybe number
+three,' his lordship having coats of every shade and grade, from stainless
+scarlet down to tattered mulberry colour.
+
+'It'll mend, however,' observed his lordship, taking it back from Jack;
+'it'll mend, however,' he said, fitting it round to the skirt as he spoke.
+
+'Oh, nicely!' replied Jack; 'it's come off clean by the skirt. But what
+said Old Blossom?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Oh, he was full of apologies and couldn't helps it as usual,' replied his
+lordship; 'he was down, too, I should tell you, with his horse on his left
+leg; but there wasn't much time for apologies or explanation, for the
+hounds were running pretty sharp, considering how long they had been at
+work, and there was the chance of others jumping upon us if we didn't get
+out of the way, so we both scrambled up as quick as we could and got into
+our places again.'
+
+'Which way did you go, then?' asked Jack, who had listened with the
+attention of a man who knows every yard of the country.
+
+'Well,' continued his lordship, casting back to where he got his fall, 'the
+fox crossed the Coatenburn township, picking all the plough and
+bad-scenting ground as he went, but it was of no use, his fate was sealed;
+and though he began to run short, and dodge and thread the hedge-rows, they
+hunted him yard by yard till he again made an effort for his life, and took
+over Mossingburn Moor, pointing for Penrose Tower on the hill. Here
+Frosty's horse, Little Jumper, declined, and we left him standing in the
+middle of the moor with a stiff neck, kicking and staring and looking
+mournfully at his flanks. Daddy Longlegs, too, had begun to sob, and in
+vain I looked back in hopes of seeing Jack-a-Dandy coming up. "Well," said
+I to myself, "I've got a pair of good strong boots on, and I'll finish the
+run on foot but I'll see it"; when, just at the moment, the pack broke from
+scent to view and rolled the fox up like a hedgehog amongst them.'
+
+'Well done!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'that was a run with a vengeance!'
+'Wasn't it?' replied his lordship, rubbing his hands and stamping; 'the
+finest run that ever was seen--the finest run that ever was seen!'
+
+'Why, it couldn't be less than twelve miles from point to point,' observed
+Jack, thinking it over.
+
+'Not a yard,' replied his lordship, 'not a yard, and from fourteen to
+fifteen as the hounds ran.'
+
+'It would be all that,' assented Jack. 'How long were you in doing it?' he
+asked.
+
+'An hour and forty minutes,' replied his lordship; 'an hour and forty
+minutes from the find to the finish'; adding, 'I'll stick the brush and
+present it to Mrs. Springwheat.'
+
+'It's to be hoped Springy's out of the brook,' observed Jack.
+
+'To be hoped so,' replied his lordship, thinking, if he wasn't whether he
+should marry Mrs. Springwheat or not.
+
+Well now, after all that, we fancy we hear our fair friends exclaim, 'Thank
+goodness, there's an end of Lord Scamperdale and his hunting; he has had a
+good run, and will rest quiet for a time; we shall now hear something of
+Amelia and Emily, and the doings at Jawleyford Court.' Mistaken lady! If
+you are lucky enough to marry an out-and-out fox-hunter, you will find that
+a good run is only adding fuel to the fire, only making him anxious for
+more. Lord Scamperdale's sporting fire was in full blaze. His bumps and his
+thumps, his rolls, and his scrambles, only brought out the beauties and
+perfections of the thing. He cared nothing for his hat-crown, no; nor for
+his coat-lap either. Nay, he wouldn't have cared if it had been made into a
+spencer.
+
+'What's to-day? Monday,' said his lordship, answering himself. 'Monday,' he
+repeated; 'Monday--bubble-and-squeak, I guess--sooner it's ready the
+better, for I'm half-famished--didn't do half-justice to that nice
+breakfast at Springy's. That nasty brown-booted buffer completely threw me
+off my feed. By the way, what became of the chestnut-booted animal?'
+
+'Went home,' replied Jack; 'fittest place for him.'
+
+'Hope he'll stay there,' rejoined his lordship. 'No fear of his being at
+the roads to-morrow, is there?' 'None,' replied Jack. 'I told him it was
+quite an impossible distance from him, twenty miles at least.'
+
+'That's grand!' exclaimed his lordship; 'that's grand! Then we'll have a
+rare, ding-dong hey--away pop. There'll be no end of those nasty, jealous,
+Puffington dogs out; and if we have half such a scent as we had to-day,
+we'll sew some of them up, we'll show 'em what hunting is. Now,' he added,
+'if you'll go and get the bottle of port, I'll clean myself, and then we'll
+have dinner as quick as we can.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+THE FAITHFUL GROOM
+
+
+We left our friend Mr. Sponge wending his way home moodily, after having
+lost his day at Larkhall Hill. Some of our readers will, perhaps, say, why
+didn't he clap on, and try to catch up the hounds at a check, or at all
+events rejoin them for an afternoon fox? Gentle reader! Mr. Sponge did not
+hunt on those terms; he was a front-rank or a 'nowhere' man, and
+independently of catching hounds up being always a fatiguing and hazardous
+speculation, especially on a fine-scenting day, the exertion would have
+taken more out of his horse than would have been desirable for successful
+display in a second run. Mr. Sponge, therefore, determined to go home.
+
+As he sauntered along, musing on the mishaps of the chase, wondering how
+Miss Jawleyford would look, and playing himself an occasional tune with his
+spur against his stirrup, who should come trotting behind him but Mr.
+Leather on the redoubtable chestnut? Mr. Sponge beckoned him alongside. The
+horse looked blooming and bright; his eye was clear and cheerful, and there
+was a sort of springy graceful action that looked like easy going.
+
+One always fancies a horse most with another man on him. We see all his
+good points without feeling his imperfections--his trippings, or startings,
+or snatchings, or borings, or roughness of action, and Mr. Sponge
+proceeded to make a silent estimate of Multum in Parvo's qualities as he
+trotted gently along on the grassy side of the somewhat wide road.
+
+'By Jove! it's a pity but his lordship had seen him,' thought Sponge, as
+the emulation of companionship made the horse gradually increase his pace,
+and steal forward with the lightest, freest action imaginable. 'If he was
+but all right,' continued Sponge, with a shake of the head, 'he would be
+worth any money, for he has the strength of a dray-horse, with the symmetry
+and action of a racer.'
+
+Then Sponge thought he shouldn't have an opportunity of showing the horse
+till Thursday, for Jack had satisfied him that the next day's meet was
+quite beyond distance from Jawleyford Court.
+
+'It's a bore,' said he, rising in his stirrups, and tickling the piebald
+with his spurs, as if he were going to set-to for a race. He thought of
+having a trial of speed with the chestnut, up a slip of turf they were now
+approaching; but a sudden thought struck him, and he desisted. 'These
+horses have done nothing to-day,' he said; 'why shouldn't I send the
+chestnut on for to-morrow?'
+
+'Do you know where the cross-roads are?' he asked his groom.
+
+'Cross-roads, cross-roads--what cross-roads?' replied Leather.
+
+'Where the hounds meet to-morrow.'
+
+'Oh, the cross-roads at Somethin' Burn,' rejoined Leather
+thoughtfully--'no, 'deed, I don't,' he added. 'From all 'counts, they seem
+to be somewhere on the far side of the world.'
+
+That was not a very encouraging answer; and feeling it would require a good
+deal of persuasion to induce Mr. Leather to go in search of them without
+clothing and the necessary requirements for his horses, Mr. Sponge went
+trotting on, in hopes of seeing some place where he might get a sight of
+the map of the county. So they proceeded in silence, till a sudden turn of
+the road brought them to the spire and housetops of the little
+agricultural town of Barleyboll. It differed nothing from the ordinary run
+of small towns. It had a pond at one end, an inn in the middle, a church at
+one side, a fashionable milliner from London, a merchant tailor from the
+same place, and a hardware shop or two where they also sold treacle,
+Dartford gunpowder, pocket-handkerchiefs, sheep-nets, patent medicines,
+cheese, blacking, marbles, mole-traps, men's hats, and other miscellaneous
+articles. It was quite enough of a town, however, to raise a presumption
+that there would be a map of the county at the inn.
+
+'We'll just put the horses up for a few minutes, I think,' said Sponge,
+turning into the stable-yard at the end of the Red Lion Hotel and Posting
+House, adding, 'I want to write a letter, and perhaps,' said he, looking at
+his watch, 'you may be wanting your dinner.'
+
+Having resigned his horse to his servant, Mr. Sponge walked in, receiving
+the marked attention usually paid to a red coat. Mine host left his bar,
+where he was engaged in the usual occupation of drinking with customers for
+the 'good of the house.' A map of the county, of such liberal dimensions,
+was speedily produced, as would have terrified any one unaccustomed to
+distances and scales on which maps are laid down. For instance, Jawleyford
+Court, as the crow flies, was the same distance from the cross-roads at
+Dallington Burn as York was from London, in a map of England hanging beside
+it.
+
+'It's a goodish way,' said Sponge, getting a lighter off the chimney-piece,
+and measuring the distances. 'From Jawleyford Court to Billingsborough
+Rise, say seven miles; from Billingsborough Rise to Downington Wharf, other
+seven; from Downington Wharf to Shapcot, which seems the nearest point,
+will be--say five or six, perhaps--nineteen or twenty in all. Well, that's
+my work,' he observed, scratching his head, 'at least, my hack's; and from
+here, home,' he continued, measuring away as he spoke, 'will be twelve or
+thirteen. Well, that's nothing,' he said. 'Now for the horse,' he
+continued, again applying the lighter in a different direction. 'From here
+to Hardington will be, say, eight miles; from Hardington to Bewley, other
+five; eight and five are thirteen; and there, I should say, he might sleep.
+That would leave ten or twelve miles for the morning; nothing for a hack
+hunter; 'specially such a horse as that, and one that's done nothing for I
+don't know how long.'
+
+Altogether, Mr. Sponge determined to try it, especially considering that if
+he didn't get Tuesday, there would be nothing till Thursday; and he was not
+the man to keep a hack hunter standing idle.
+
+Accordingly he sought Mr. Leather, whom he found busily engaged in the
+servants' apartment, with a cold round of beef and a foaming flagon of ale
+before him.
+
+'Leather,' he said, in a tone of authority, 'I'll hunt to-morrow--ride the
+horse I should have ridden to-day.'
+
+'Where at?' asked Leather, diving his fork into a bottle of pickles, and
+fishing out an onion.
+
+'The cross-roads,' replied Sponge.
+
+'The cross-roads be fifty miles from here!' cried Leather.
+
+'Nonsense!' rejoined Sponge; 'I've just measured the distance. It's nothing
+of the sort.'
+
+'How far do you make it, then?' asked Leather, tucking in the beef.
+
+'Why, from here to Hardington is about six, and from Hardington to Bewley,
+four--ten in all,' replied Sponge. 'You can stay at Bewley all night, and
+then it is but a few miles on in the morning.'
+
+'And whativer am I to do for clothin'?' asked Leather, adding, 'I've
+nothin' with me--nothin' nouther for oss nor man.'
+
+'Oh, the ostler'll lend you what you want,' replied Sponge, in a tone of
+determination, adding, 'you can make shift for one night surely?'
+
+'One night surely!' retorted Leather. 'D'ye think an oss can't be ruined in
+one night?--humph!'
+
+'I'll risk it,' said Sponge.
+
+'But I won't,' replied Leather, blowing the foam from the tankard, and
+taking a long swig at the ale. 'I thinks I knows my duty to my gov'nor
+better nor that,' continued he, setting it down. 'I'll not see his
+waluable 'unters stowed away in pigsties--not I, indeed.'
+
+The fact was, Leather had an invitation to sup with the servants at
+Jawleyford Court that night, and he was not going to be done out of his
+engagement, especially as Mr. Sponge only allowed him two shillings a day
+for expenses wherever he was.
+
+[Illustration: MR. LEATHER AND SPONGE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION]
+
+'Well, you're a cool hand, anyhow,' observed Mr. Sponge, quite taken by
+surprise.
+
+'Cool 'and, or not cool 'and,' replied Leather, munching away, 'I'll do my
+duty to my master. I'm not one o' your coatless, characterless scamps wot
+'ang about livery-stables ready to do anything they're bid. No sir, no,' he
+continued, pronging another onion; '_I_ have some regard for the hinterest
+o' my master. I'll do my duty in the station o' life in which I'm placed,
+and won't be 'fraid to face no man.' So saying, Mr. Leather cut himself a
+grand circumference of beef.
+
+Mr. Sponge was taken aback, for he had never seen a conscientious
+livery-stable helper before, and did not believe in the existence of such
+articles. However, here was Mr. Leather assuming a virtue, whether he had
+it or not; and Mr. Sponge being in the man's power, of course durst not
+quarrel with him. It was clear that Leather would not go; and the question
+was, what should Mr. Sponge do? 'Why shouldn't I go myself?' he thought,
+shutting his eyes, as if to keep his faculties free from outward
+distraction. He ran the thing quickly over in his mind. 'What Leather can
+do, I can do,' he said, remembering that a groom never demeaned himself by
+working where there was an ostler. 'These things I have on will do quite
+well for to-morrow, at least among such rough-and-ready dogs as the Flat
+Hat men, who seem as if they had their clothes pitched on with a fork.'
+
+His mind was quickly made up, and calling for pen, ink, and paper, he wrote
+a hasty note to Jawleyford, explaining why he would not cast up till the
+morrow; he then got the chestnut out of the stable, and desiring the ostler
+to give the note to Leather, and tell him to go home with his hack, he just
+rode out of the yard without giving Leather the chance of saying 'nay.' He
+then jogged on at a pace suitable to the accurate measurement of the
+distance.
+
+The horse seemed to like having Sponge's red coat on better than Leather's
+brown, and champed his bit, and stepped away quite gaily.
+
+'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, laying the rein on its neck, and leaning
+forward to pat him; 'it's a pity but you were always in this humour--you'd
+be worth a mint of money if you were.' He then resumed his seat in the
+saddle, and bethought him how he would show them the way on the morrow. 'If
+he doesn't beat every horse in the field, it shan't be my fault,' thought
+he; and thereupon he gave him the slightest possible touch with the spur,
+and the horse shot away up a strip of grass like an arrow.
+
+'By Jove, but you _can_ go!' said he, pulling up as the grass ran out upon
+the hard road.
+
+Thus he reached the village of Hardington, which he quickly cleared, and
+took the well-defined road to Bewley--a road adorned with milestones and
+set out with a liberal horse-track at either side.
+
+Day had closed ere our friend reached Bewley, but the children returning
+from school, and the country folks leaving their work, kept assuring him
+that he was on the right line, till the lights of the town, bursting upon
+him as he rounded the hill above, showed him the end of his journey.
+
+The best stalls at the head inn--the Bull's Head--were all full, several
+trusty grooms having arrived with the usual head-stalls and rolls of
+clothing on their horses, denoting the object of their mission. Most of the
+horses had been in some hours, and were now standing well littered up with
+straw, while the grooms were in the tap talking over their masters,
+discussing the merits of their horses, or arguing whether Lord Scamperdale
+was mad or not. They had just come to the conclusion that his lordship was
+mad, but not incapable of taking care of his affairs, when the trampling of
+Sponge's horse's feet drew them out to see who was coming next. Sponge's
+red coat at once told his tale, and procured him the usual attention.
+
+Mr. Leather's fear of the want of clothing for the valuable hunter proved
+wholly groundless, for each groom having come with a plentiful supply for
+his own horse, all the inn stock was at the service of the stranger. The
+stable, to be sure, was not quite so good as might be desired, but it was
+warm and water-tight, and the corn was far from bad. Altogether, Mr. Sponge
+thought he would do very well, and, having seen to his horse, proceeded to
+choose between beef-steaks and mutton chops for his own entertainment, and
+with the aid of the old country paper and some very questionable port, he
+passed the evening in anticipation of the sports of the morrow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+THE CROSS-ROADS AT DALLINGTON BURN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When his lordship and Jack mounted their hacks in the morning to go to the
+cross-roads at Dallington Burn, it was so dark that they could not see
+whether they were on bays or browns. It was a dull, murky day, with heavy
+spongy clouds overhead.
+
+There had been a great deal of rain in the night, and the horses poached
+and squashed as they went. Our sportsmen, however, were prepared as well
+for what had fallen as for what might come; for they were encased in
+enormously thick boots, with baggy overalls, and coats and waistcoats of
+the stoutest and most abundant order. They had each a sack of a mackintosh
+strapped on to their saddle fronts. Thus they went blobbing and groping
+their way along, varying the monotony of the journey by an occasional spurt
+of muddy water up into their faces, or the more nerve-trying noise of a
+floundering stumble over a heap of stones by the roadside. The country
+people stared with astonishment as they passed, and the muggers and
+tinkers, who were withdrawing their horses from the farmers' fields, stood
+trembling, lest they might be the 'pollis' coming after them.
+
+'I think it'll be a fine day,' observed his lordship, after they had
+bumped for some time in silence without its getting much lighter. 'I think
+it will be a fine day,' he said, taking his chin out of his great
+puddingy-spotted neckcloth, and turning his spectacled face up to the
+clouds.
+
+'The want of light is its chief fault,' observed Jack, adding, 'it's deuced
+dark!'
+
+'Ah, it'll get better of that,' observed his lordship. 'It's not much after
+eight yet,' he added, staring at his watch, and with difficulty making out
+that it was half-past. 'Days take off terribly about this time of year,' he
+observed; 'I've seen about Christmas when it has never been rightly light
+all day long.'
+
+They then floundered on again for some time further as before.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder if we have a large field,' at length observed Jack,
+bringing his hack alongside his lordship's.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder if Puff himself was to come--all over brooches and rings
+as usual,' replied his lordship.
+
+'And Charley Slapp, I'll be bund to say,' observed Jack. 'He a regular
+hanger-on of Puff's.'
+
+'Ass, that Slapp,' said his lordship; 'hate the sight of him!'
+
+'So do I,' replied Jack, adding, 'hate a hanger-on!'
+
+'There are the hounds,' said his lordship, as they now approached Culverton
+Dean, and a line of something white was discernible travelling the
+zig-zagging road on the opposite side.
+
+'Are they, think you?' replied Jack, staring through his great spectacles;
+'are they, think you? It looks to me more like a flock of sheep.'
+
+'I believe you're right,' said his lordship, staring too; 'indeed, I hear
+the dog. The hounds, however, can't be far ahead.'
+
+They then drew into single file to take the broken horse-track through the
+steep woody dean.
+
+'This is the longest sixteen miles I know,' observed Jack, as they emerged
+from it, and overtook the sheep.
+
+'It is,' replied his lordship, spurring his hack, who was now beginning to
+lag: 'the fact is, it's eighteen,' he continued; 'only if I was to tell
+Frosty it was eighteen, he would want to lay overnight, and that wouldn't
+do. Besides the trouble and inconvenience, it would spoil the best part of
+a five-pund note; and five-pund notes don't grow upon gooseberry-bushes--at
+least, not in my garden.'
+
+'Rather scarce in all gardens just now, I think,' observed Jack; 'at least,
+I never hear of anybody with one to spare.'
+
+'Money's like snow,' said his lordship, 'a very meltable article; and
+talking of snow,' he said, looking up at the heavy clouds, 'I wish we
+mayn't be going to have some--I don't like the look of things overhead.'
+
+'Heavy,' replied Jack; 'heavy: however, it's due about now.'
+
+'Due or not due,' said his lordship, 'it's a thing one never wishes to
+come; anybody may have my share of snow that likes--frost too.'
+
+The road, or rather track, now passed over Blobbington Moor, and our
+friends had enough to do to keep their horses out of peat-holes and bogs,
+without indulging in conversation. At length they cleared the moor, and,
+pulling out a gap at the corner of the inclosures, cut across a few fields,
+and got on to the Stumpington turnpike.
+
+'The hounds are here,' said Jack, after studying the muddy road for some
+time.
+
+'They'll not be there long,' replied his lordship, 'for Grabtintoll Gate
+isn't far ahead, and we don't waste our substance on pikes.'
+
+His lordship was right. The imprints soon diverged up a muddy lane on the
+right, and our sportsmen now got into a road so deep and bottomless as to
+put the idea of stones quite out of the question.
+
+'Hang the road!' exclaimed his lordship, as his hack nearly came on his
+nose, 'hang the road!' repeated he, adding, 'if Puff wasn't such an ass, I
+really think I'd give him up the cross-road country.'
+
+'It's bad to get at from us,' observed Jack, who didn't like such trashing
+distances.
+
+'Ah! but it's a rare good country when you get to it,' replied his
+lordship, shortening his rein and spurring his steed.
+
+The lane being at length cleared, the road became more practicable, passing
+over large pastures where a horseman could choose his own ground, instead
+of being bound by the narrow limits of the law. But though the road
+improved, the day did not; a thick fog coming drifting up from the
+south-east in aid of the general obscurity of the scene.
+
+'The day's gettin' _wuss_,' observed Jack, snuffling and staring about.
+
+'It'll blow over,' replied his lordship, who was not easily disheartened.
+'It'll blow over,' repeated he, adding, 'often rare scents such days as
+these. But we must put on,' continued he, looking at his watch, 'for it's
+half-past, and we are a mile or more off yet.' So saying, he clapped spurs
+to his hack and shot away at a canter, followed by Jack at a long-drawn
+'hammer and pincers' trot.
+
+A hunt is something like an Assize circuit, where certain great guns show
+everywhere, and smaller men drop in here and there, snatching a day or a
+brief, as the case may be. Sergeant Bluff and Sergeant Huff rustle and
+wrangle in every court, while Mr. Meeke and Mr. Sneeke enjoy their frights
+on the forensic arenas of their respective towns, on behalf of simple
+neighbours, who look upon them as thorough Solomons. So with hunts. Certain
+men who seem to have been sent into the world for the express purpose of
+hunting, arrive at every meet, far and near, with a punctuality that is
+truly surprising, and rarely associated with pleasure.
+
+If you listen to their conversation, it is generally a dissertation on the
+previous day's sport, with inquiries as to the nearest way to cover the
+next. Sometimes it is seasoned with censure of some other pack they have
+been seeing. These men are mounted and appointed in a manner that shows
+what a perfect profession hunting is with them. Of course, they come
+cantering to cover, lest any one should suppose they ride their horses on.
+
+The 'Cross-roads' was like two hunts or two circuits joining, for it
+generally drew the picked men from each, to say nothing of outriggers and
+chance customers. The regular attendants of either hunt were sufficiently
+distinguishable as well by the flat hats and baggy garments of the one, as
+by the dandified, Jemmy Jessamy air of the other. If a lord had not been at
+the head of the Flat Hats, the Puffington men would have considered them
+insufferable snobs. But to our day.
+
+As usual, where hounds have to travel a long distance, the field were
+assembled before they arrived. Almost all the cantering gentlemen had cast
+up.
+
+One cross-road meet being so much like another, it will not be worth while
+describing the one at Dallington Burn. The reader will have the kindness to
+imagine a couple of roads crossing an open common, with an armless
+sign-post on one side, and a rubble-stone bridge, with several of the
+coping-stones lying in the shallow stream below, on the other.
+
+The country round about, if any country could have been seen, would have
+shown wild, open, and cheerless. Here a patch of wood, there a patch of
+heath, but its general aspect bare and unfruitful. The commanding outline
+of Beechwood Forest was not visible for the weather. Time now, let us
+suppose, half-past ten, with a full muster of horsemen and a fog making
+unwonted dulness of the scene--the old sign-pole being the most conspicuous
+object of the whole.
+
+Hark! what a clamour there is about it. It's like a betting-post at
+Newmarket. How loud the people talk! What's the news? Queen Anne dead, or
+is there another French Revolution, or a fixed duty on corn? Reader, Mr.
+Puffington's hounds have had a run, and the Flat Hat men are disputing it.
+
+'Nothing of the sort! nothing of the sort!' exclaims Fossick, 'I know every
+yard of the country, and you can't make more nor eight of it anyhow, if
+eight.'
+
+'Well, but I've measured it on the map,' replied the speaker (Charley Slapp
+himself), 'and it's thirteen, if it's a yard.'
+
+'Then the country's grown bigger since my day,' rejoins Fossick, 'for I was
+dropped at Stubgrove, which is within a mile of where you found, and I've
+walked, and I've ridden, and I've driven every yard of the distance, and
+you can't make it more than eight, if it's as much. Can you, Capon?'
+exclaimed Fossick, appealing to another of the 'flat brims,' whose luminous
+face now shone through the fog.
+
+'No,' replied Capon, adding, 'not so much, I should say.'
+
+Just then up trotted Frostyface with the hounds.
+
+'Good morning, Frosty! good morning!' exclaim half-a-dozen voices, that it
+would be difficult to appropriate from the denseness of the fog. Frosty and
+the whips make a general salute with their caps.
+
+'Well, Frosty, I suppose you've heard what a run we had yesterday?'
+exclaims Charley Slapp, as soon as Frosty and the hounds are settled.
+
+'Had they, sir--had they?' replies Frosty, with a slight touch of his cap
+and a sneer. 'Glad to hear it, sir--glad to hear it. Hope they killed,
+sir--hope they killed!' with a still slighter touch of the cap.
+
+'Killed, aye!--killed in the open just below Crabstone Green, in _your_
+country,' adding, 'It was one of your foxes, I believe.'
+
+'Glad of it, sir--glad of it, sir,' replies Frosty. 'They wanted blood
+sadly--they wanted blood sadly. Quite welcome to one of our foxes,
+sir--_quite_ welcome. That's a brace and a 'alf they've killed.'
+
+'Brace and a ha-r-r-f!' drawls Slapp, in well-feigned disgust; 'brace and a
+ha-r-r-f!--why, it makes them ten brace, and six run to ground.'
+
+'Oh, don't tell _me_,' retorts Frosty, with a shake of disgust; 'don't tell
+me. I knows better--I knows better. They'd only killed a brace since they
+began hunting up to yesterday. The rest were all cubs, poor things!--all
+cubs, poor things! Mr. Puffington's hounds are not the sort of animals to
+kill foxes: nasty, skirtin', flashy, jealous divils; always starin' about
+for holloas and assistance. I'll be d----d if I'd give eighteenpence for
+the 'ole lot on 'em.'
+
+A loud guffaw from the Flat Hat men greeted this wholesale condemnation.
+The Puffington men looked unutterable things, and there is no saying what
+disagreeable comparisons might have been instituted (for the
+Puffingtonians mustered strong) had not his lordship and Jack cast up at
+the moment. Hats off and politeness was then the order of the day.
+
+'Mornin',' said his lordship, with a snatch of his hat in return, as he
+pulled up and stared into the cloud-enveloped crowd; 'Mornin', Fyle;
+mornin', Fossick,' he continued, as he distinguished those worthies, as
+much by their hats as anything else. 'Where are the horses?' he said to
+Frostyface.
+
+[Illustration: JACK FROSTY AND CHARLEY SLAPP]
+
+'Just beyond there, my lord,' replied the huntsman, pointing with his whip
+to where a cockaded servant was 'to-and-froing' a couple of hunters--a
+brown and a chestnut.
+
+'Let's be doing,' said his lordship, trotting up to them and throwing
+himself off his hack like a sack. Having divested himself of his muddy
+overalls, he mounted the brown, a splendid sixteen-hands horse in tip-top
+condition, and again made for the field in all the pride of masterly
+equestrianism. A momentary gleam of sunshine shot o'er the scene; a jerk of
+the head acted as a signal to throw off, and away they all moved from the
+meet.
+
+Thorneybush Gorse was a large eight-acre cover, formed partly of gorse and
+partly of stunted blackthorn, with here and there a sprinkling of Scotch
+firs. His lordship paid two pounds a year for it, having vainly tried to
+get it for thirty shillings, which was about the actual value of the land,
+but the proprietor claimed a little compensation for the trampling of
+horses about it; moreover, the Puffington men would have taken it at two
+pounds. It was a sure find, and the hounds dashed into it with a scent.
+
+The field ranged themselves at the accustomed corner, both hunts full of
+their previous day's run. Frostyface's 'Yoicks, wind him!' 'Yoicks, push
+him up!' was drowned in a medley of voices.
+
+A loud, clear, shrill 'TALLY-HO, AWAY!' from the far side of the cover
+caused all tongues to stop, and all hands to drop on the reins. Great was
+the excitement! Each hunt was determined to take the shine out of the
+other.
+
+'Twang, twang, twang!' 'Tweet, tweet, tweet!' went his lordship's and
+Frostyface's horns, as they came bounding over the gorse to the spot, with
+the eager pack rushing at their horses' heels. Then as the hounds crossed
+the line of scent, there was such an outburst of melody in cover, and such
+gathering of reins and thrusting on of hats outside! The hounds dashed out
+of cover as if somebody was kicking them. A man in scarlet was seen flying
+through the fog, producing the usual hold-hardings. 'Hold hard, sir!' 'God
+bless you, hold hard, sir!' with inquiries as to 'who the chap was that was
+going to catch the fox.'
+
+'It's Lumpleg!' exclaimed one of the Flat Hat men.
+
+'No, it's not!' roared a Puffingtonite; 'Lumpleg's here.'
+
+'Then it's Charley Slapp; he's always doing it,' rejoined the first
+speaker. 'Most jealous man in the world.'
+
+'Is he!' exclaimed Slapp, cantering past at his ease on a thoroughbred
+grey, as if he could well afford to dispense with a start.
+
+Reader! it was neither Lumpleg nor Slapp, nor any of the Puffington snobs,
+or Flat Hat swells, or Puffington swells, or Flat Hat snobs. It was our old
+friend Sponge; Monsieur Tonson again! Having arrived late, he had posted
+himself, unseen, by the cover side, and the fox had broke close to him.
+Unfortunately, he had headed him back, and a pretty kettle of fish was the
+result. Not only had he headed him back, but the resolute chestnut, having
+taken it into his head to run away, had snatched the bit between his teeth;
+and carried him to the far side of a field ere Sponge managed to
+manoere him round on a very liberal semi-circle, and face the now
+flying sportsmen, who came hurrying on through the mist like a charge of
+yeomanry after a salute. All was excitement, hurry-scurry, and
+horse-hugging, with the usual spurring, elbowing, and exertion to get into
+places, Mr. Fossick considering he had as much right to be before Mr. Fyle
+as Mr. Fyle had to be before old Capon.
+
+It apparently being all the same to the chestnut which way he went so long
+as he had his run, he now bore Sponge back as quickly as he had carried him
+away, and with yawning mouth, and head in the air, he dashed right at the
+coming horsemen, charging Lord Scamperdale full tilt as he was in the act
+of returning his horn to its case. Great was the collision! His lordship
+flew one way, his horse another, his hat a third, his whip a fourth, his
+spectacles a fifth; in fact, he was scattered all over. In an instant he
+lay the centre of a circle, kicking on his back like a lively turtle.
+
+'Oh! I'm kilt!' he roared, striking out as if he was swimming, or rather
+floating. 'I'm kilt!' he repeated. 'He's broken my back--he's broken my
+legs--he's broken my ribs--he's broken my collar-bone--he's knocked my
+right eye into the heel of my left boot. Oh! will nobody catch him and kill
+him? Will nobody do for him? Will you see an English nobleman knocked
+about like a ninepin?' added his lordship, scrambling up to go in pursuit
+of Mr. Sponge himself, exclaiming, as he stood shaking his fist at him,
+'Rot ye, sir! hangin's too good for ye! you should be condemned to hunt in
+Berwickshire the rest of your life!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+BOLTING THE BADGER
+
+
+When a man and his horse differ seriously in public, and the man feels the
+horse has the best of it, it is wise for the man to appear to accommodate
+his views to those of the horse, rather than risk a defeat. It is best to
+let the horse go his way, and pretend it is yours. There is no secret so
+close as that between a rider and his horse.
+
+Mr. Sponge, having scattered Lord Scamperdale in the summary way described
+in our last chapter, let the chestnut gallop away, consoling himself with
+the idea that even if the hounds did hunt, it would be impossible for him
+to show his horse to advantage on so dark and unfavourable a day. He,
+therefore, just let the beast gallop till he began to flag, and then he
+spurred him and made him gallop on his account. He thus took his change out
+of him, and arrived at Jawleyford Court a little after luncheon time.
+
+Brief as had been his absence, things had undergone a great change. Certain
+dark hints respecting his ways and means had worked their way from the
+servants' hall to my lady's chamber, and into the upper regions generally.
+These had been augmented by Leather's, the trusty groom's, overnight visit,
+in fulfilment of his engagement to sup with the servants. Nor was Mr.
+Leather's anger abated by the unceremonious way Mr. Sponge rode off with
+the horse, leaving him to hear of his departure from the ostler. Having
+broken faith with him, he considered it his duty to be 'upsides' with him,
+and tell the servants all he knew about him. Accordingly he let out, in
+strict confidence of course, to Spigot, that so far from Mr. Sponge being a
+gentleman of 'fortin,' as he called it, with a dozen or two hunters planted
+here and there, he was nothing but the hirer of a couple of hacks, with
+himself as a job-groom, by the week. Spigot, who was on the best of terms
+with the 'cook-housekeeper,' and had his clothes washed on the sly in the
+laundry, could not do less than communicate the intelligence to her, from
+whom it went to the lady's-maid, and thence circulated in the upper
+regions.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Juliana, the maid, finding Miss Amelia less indisposed to hear Mr. Sponge
+run down than she expected, proceeded to add her own observations to the
+information derived from Leather, the groom. 'Indeed, she couldn't say that
+she thought much of Mr. Sponge herself; his shirts were coarse, so were his
+pocket-handkerchiefs; and she never yet saw a real gent without a valet.'
+
+Amelia, without any positive intention of giving up Mr. Sponge, at least
+not until she saw further, had nevertheless got an idea that she was
+destined for a much higher sphere. Having duly considered all the
+circumstances of Mr. Spraggon's visit to Jawleyford Court, conned over
+several mysterious coughs and half-finished sentences he had indulged in,
+she had about come to the conclusion that the real object of his mission
+was to negotiate a matrimonial alliance on behalf of Lord Scamperdale. His
+lordship's constantly expressed intention of getting married was well
+calculated to mislead one whose experience of the world was not
+sufficiently great to know that those men who are always talking about it
+are the least likely to get married, just as men who are always talking
+about buying horses are the men who never do buy them. Be that, however, as
+it may, Amelia was tolerably easy about Mr. Sponge. If he had money she
+could take him; if he hadn't, she could let him alone.
+
+Jawleyford, too, who was more hospitable at a distance, and in imagination
+than in reality, had had about enough of our friend. Indeed, a man whose
+talk was of hunting, and his reading _Mogg_ was not likely to have much in
+common with a gentleman of taste and elegance, as our friend set up to be.
+The delicate inquiry that Mrs. Jawleyford now made, as to 'whether he knew
+Mr. Sponge to be a man of fortune,' set him off at a tangent.
+
+'ME know he's a man of fortune! _I_ know nothing of his fortune.
+You asked him here, not ME,' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping
+furiously.
+
+'No, my dear,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford mildly; 'he asked himself, you know;
+but I thought, perhaps, you might have said something that--'
+
+'ME say anything!' interrupted Jawleyford. '_I_ never said
+anything--at least, nothing that any man with a particle of sense would
+think anything of,' continued he, remembering the scene in the
+billiard-room. 'It's one thing to tell a man, if he comes your way, you'll
+be glad to see him, and another to ask him to come bag and baggage, as this
+impudent Mr. Sponge has done,' added he.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who saw where the shoe was pinching
+her bear.
+
+'I wish he was off,' observed Jawleyford, after a pause. 'He bothers me
+excessively--I'll try and get rid of him by saying we are going from home.'
+
+'Where can you say we are going to?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Oh, anywhere,' replied Jawleyford; 'he doesn't know the people about here:
+the Tewkesbury's, the Woolerton's, the Brown's--anybody.'
+
+Before they had got any definite plan of proceeding arranged, Mr. Sponge
+returned from the chase. 'Ah, my dear sir!' exclaimed Jawleyford,
+half-gaily, half-moodily, extending a couple of fingers as Sponge entered
+his study: 'we thought you had taken French leave of us, and were off.'
+
+Mr. Sponge asked if his groom had not delivered his note.
+
+'No,' replied Jawleyford boldly, though he had it in his pocket; 'at least,
+not that I've seen. Mrs. Jawleyford, perhaps, may have got it,' added he.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Sponge; 'it was very idle of him.' He then proceeded to
+detail to Jawleyford what the reader already knows, how he had lost his day
+at Larkhall Hill, and had tried to make up for it by going to the
+cross-roads. 'Ah!' exclaimed Jawleyford, when he was done; 'that's a
+pity--great pity--monstrous pity--never knew anything so unlucky in my
+life.'
+
+'Misfortunes will happen,' replied Sponge, in a tone of unconcern.
+
+'Ah, it wasn't so much the loss of the hunt I was thinking of,' replied
+Jawleyford, 'as the arrangements we have made in consequence of thinking
+you were gone.'
+
+'What are they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Why, my Lord Barker, a great friend of ours--known him from a boy--just
+like brothers, in short--sent over this morning to ask us all
+there--shooting party, charades, that sort of thing--and we accepted.'
+
+'But that need make no difference,' replied Sponge; 'I'll go too.'
+
+Jawleyford was taken aback. He had not calculated upon so much coolness.
+
+'Well,' stammered he, 'that might do, to be sure; but--if--I'm not quite
+sure that I could take any one--'
+
+'But if you're as thick as you say, you can have no difficulty,' replied
+our friend.
+
+'True,' replied Jawleyford; 'but then we go a large party ourselves--two
+and two's four,' said he, 'to say nothing of servants; besides, his
+lordship mayn't have room--house will most likely be full.'
+
+'Oh, a single man can always be put up; shake-down--anything does for him,'
+replied Sponge. 'But you would lose your hunting,' replied Jawleyford.
+'Barkington Tower is quite out of Lord Scamperdale's country.'
+
+'That doesn't matter,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I don't think I'll trouble
+his lordship much more. These Flat Hat gentlemen are not over and above
+civil, in my opinion.'
+
+'Well,' replied Jawleyford, nettled at this thwarting of his attempt,
+'that's for your consideration. However, as you've come, I'll talk to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, and see if we can get off the Barkington expedition.'
+
+'But don't get off on my account,' replied Sponge. 'I can stay here quite
+well. I dare say you'll not be away long.'
+
+This was worse still; it held out no hope of getting rid of him. Jawleyford
+therefore resolved to try and smoke and starve him out. When our friend
+went to dress, he found his old apartment, the state-room, put away, the
+heavy brocade curtains brown-hollanded, the jugs turned upside down, the
+bed stripped of its clothes and the looking-glass laid a-top of it.
+
+The smirking housemaid, who was just rolling the fire-irons up in the
+hearth-rug, greeted him with a 'Please, sir, we've shifted you into the
+brown room, east,' leading the way to the condemned cell that 'Jack' had
+occupied, where a newly lit fire was puffing out dense clouds of brown
+smoke, obscuring even the gilt letters on the back of _Mogg's Cab Fares_,
+as the little volume lay on the toilet-table.
+
+'What's happened now?' asked our friend of the maid, putting his arm round
+her waist, and giving her a hearty squeeze. 'What's happened now, that
+you've put me into this dog-hole?' asked he.
+
+'Oh! I don't know,' replied she, laughing; 'I s'pose they're afraid you'll
+bring the old rotten curtains down in the other room with smokin'. Master's
+a sad old wife,' added she.
+
+A great change had come over everything. The fare, the lights, the footmen,
+the everything, underwent grievous diminution. The lamps were extinguished,
+and the transparent wax gave way to Palmer's composites, under the mild
+influence of whose unsearching light the young ladies sported their dashed
+dresses with impunity. Competition between them, indeed, was about an end.
+Amelia claimed Mr. Sponge, should he be worth having, and should the
+Scamperdale scheme fail; while Emily, having her mamma's assurance that he
+would not do for either of them, resigned herself complacently to what she
+could not help.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION]
+
+Mr. Sponge, on his part, saw that all things portended a close. He cared
+nothing about the old willow-pattern set usurping the place of the
+Jawleyford-armed china; but the contents of the dishes were bad, and the
+wine, if possible, worse. Most palpable Marsala did duty for sherry, and
+the corked port was again in requisition. Jawleyford was no longer the
+brisk, cheery-hearted Jawleyford of Laverick Wells, but a crusty, fidgety,
+fire-stirring sort of fellow, desperately given to his _Morning Post_.
+
+Worst of all, when Mr. Sponge retired to his den to smoke a cigar and study
+his dear cab fares, he was so suffocated with smoke that he was obliged to
+put out the fire, notwithstanding the weather was cold, indeed inclining to
+frost. He lit his cigar notwithstanding; and, as he indulged in it, he ran
+all the circumstances of his situation through his mind. His pressing
+invitation--his magnificent reception--the attention of the ladies--and now
+the sudden change everything had taken. He couldn't make it out, somehow;
+but the consequences were plain enough. 'The fellow's a humbug,' at length
+said he, throwing the cigar-end away, and turning into bed, when the
+information Watson the keeper gave him on arriving recurred to his mind,
+and he was satisfied that Jawleyford was a humbug. It was clear Mr. Sponge
+had made a mistake in coming; the best thing he could do now was to back
+out, and see if the fair Amelia would take it to heart. In the midst of his
+cogitations Mr. Puffington's pressing invitation occurred to his mind, and
+it appeared to be the very thing for him, affording him an immediate asylum
+within reach of the fair lady, should she be likely to die.
+
+Next day he wrote to volunteer a visit.
+
+Mr. Puffington, who was still in ignorance of our friend's real character,
+and still believed him to be a second 'Nimrod' out on a 'tour,' was
+overjoyed at his letter; and, strange to relate, the same post that brought
+his answer jumping at the proposal, brought a letter from Lord Scamperdale
+to Jawleyford, saying that, 'as soon as Jawleyford was _quite alone_
+(scored under) he would like to pay him a visit.' His lordship, we should
+inform the reader, notwithstanding his recent mishap, still held out
+against Jack Spraggon's recommendation to get rid of Mr. Sponge by buying
+his horses, and he determined to try this experiment first. His lordship
+thought at one time of entering into an explanation, telling Mr.
+Jawleyford the damage Sponge had done him, and the nuisance he was
+entailing upon him by harbouring him; but not being a great scholar, and
+several hard words turning up that his lordship could not well clear in the
+spelling, he just confined himself to a laconic, which, as it turned out,
+was a most fortunate course. Indeed, he had another difficulty besides the
+spelling, for the hounds having as usual had a great run after Mr. Sponge
+had floored him--knocked his right eye into the heel of his left boot, as
+he said--in the course of which run his lordship's horse had rolled over
+him on a road, he was like the railway people--unable to distinguish
+between capital and income--unable to say which were Sponge's bangs and
+which his own; so, like a hard cricket-ball sort of a man as he was, he
+just pocketed all, and wrote as we have described.
+
+His lordship's and Mr. Puffington's letters diffused joy into a house that
+seemed likely to be distracted with trouble.
+
+So then endeth our thirtieth chapter, and a very pleasant ending it is, for
+we leave everyone in perfect good humour and spirits, Sponge pleased at
+having got a fresh billet, Jawleyford delighted at the coming of the lord,
+and each fair lady practising in private how to sign her Christian name in
+conjunction with 'Scamperdale.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+MR. PUFFINGTON; OR THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN
+
+
+Mr. Puffington took the Mangeysterne, now the Hanby hounds, because he
+thought they would give him consequence. Not that he was particularly
+deficient in that article; but being a new man in the county, he thought
+that taking them would make him popular, and give him standing. He had no
+natural inclination for hunting, but seeing friends who had no taste for
+the turf take upon themselves the responsibility of stewardships, he saw
+no reason why he should not make a similar sacrifice at the shrine of
+Diana. Indeed, Puff was not bred for a sportsman. His father, a most
+estimable man, and one with whom we have spent many a convivial evening,
+was a great starch-maker at Stepney; and his mother was the daughter of an
+eminent Worcestershire stone-china maker. Save such ludicrous hunts as they
+might have seen on their brown jugs, we do not believe either of them had
+any acquaintance whatever with the chase. Old Puffington was, however, what
+a wise heir esteems a great deal more--an excellent man of business, and
+amassed mountains of money. To see his establishment at Stepney, one would
+think the whole world was going to be starched. Enormous dock-tailed
+dray-horses emerged with ponderous waggons heaped up to the very skies,
+while others would come rumbling in, laden with wheat, potatoes, and other
+starch-making ingredients. Puffington's blue roans were well known about
+town, and were considered the handsomest horses of the day; quite equal to
+Barclay and Perkin's piebalds.
+
+Old Puffington was not like a sportsman. He was a little, soft, rosy,
+roundabout man, with stiff resolute legs that did not look as if they could
+be bent to a saddle. He was great, however, in a gig, and slouched like a
+sack.
+
+Mrs. Puffington, _née_ Smith, was a tall handsome woman, who thought a good
+deal of herself. When she and her spouse married, they lived close to the
+manufactory, in a sweet little villa replete with every elegance and
+convenience--a pond, which they called a lake--laburnums without end; a
+yew, clipped into a dock-tailed waggon-horse; standing for three horses and
+gigs, with an acre and half of land for a cow.
+
+Old Puffington, however, being unable to keep those dearest documents of
+the British merchant, his balance-sheets, to himself, and Mrs. Puffington
+finding a considerable sum going to the 'good' every year, insisted, on the
+birth of their only child, our friend, upon migrating to the 'west,' as she
+called it, and at one bold stroke they established themselves in Heathcote
+Street, Mecklenburgh Square. Novelists had not then written this part down
+as 'Mesopotamia,' and it was quite as genteel as Harley or Wimpole Street
+are now. Their chief object then was to increase their wealth and make
+their only son 'a gentleman.' They sent him to Eton, and in due time to
+Christ Church, where, of course, he established a red coat to persecute Sir
+Thomas Mostyn's and the Duke of Beaufort's hounds, much to the annoyance of
+their respective huntsmen, Stephen Goodall and Philip Payne, and the
+aggravation of poor old Griff. Lloyd.
+
+What between the field and college, young Puffington made the acquaintance
+of several very dashing young sparks--Lord Firebrand, Lord Mudlark, Lord
+Deuceace, Sir Harry Blueun, and others, whom he always spoke of as
+'Deuceace,' 'Blueun,' etc., in the easy style that marks the perfect
+gentleman.[1] How proud the old people were of him! How they would sit
+listening to him, flashing, and telling how Deuceace and he floored a
+Charley, or Blueun and he pitched a snob out of the boxes into the pit.
+This was in the old Tom-and-Jerry days, when fisticuffs were the fashion.
+One evening, after he had indulged us with a more than usual dose, and was
+leaving the room to dress for an eight o'clock dinner at Long's, 'Buzzer!'
+exclaimed the old man, clutching our arm, as the tears started to his eyes,
+'Buzzer! that's an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar man!' And certainly, if
+a large acquaintance is a criterion of popularity, young Puffington, as he
+was then called, had his fair share. He once did us the honour--an honour
+we shall never forget--of walking down Bond Street with us, in the
+spring-tide of fashion, of a glorious summer's day, when you could not
+cross Conduit Street under a lapse of a quarter of an hour, and carriages
+seemed to have come to an interminable lock at the Piccadilly end of the
+street. In those days great people went about like great people, in
+handsome hammer-clothed, arms-emblazoned coaches, with plethoric
+three-corner-hatted coachmen, and gigantic, lace-bedizened,
+quivering-calved Johnnies, instead of rumbling along like apothecaries in
+pill-boxes, with a handle inside to let themselves out. Young men, too,
+dressed as if they were dressed--as if they were got up with some care and
+attention--instead of wearing the loose, careless, flowing, sack-like
+garments they do now.
+
+We remember the day as if it were but yesterday; Puffington overtook us in
+Oxford Street, where we were taking our usual sauntering stare into the
+shop windows, and instead of shirking or slipping behind our back, he
+actually ran his arm up to the hilt in ours, and turned us into the middle
+of the flags, with an 'Ah, Buzzer, old boy, what are you doing in this
+debauched part of the town? Come along with me, and I'll show you Life!'
+
+So saying he linked arms, and pursuing our course at a proper kill-time
+sort of pace, we were at length brought up at the end of Vere Street, along
+which there was a regular rush of carriages, cutting away as if they were
+going to a fire instead of to a finery shop.
+
+Many were the smiles, and bows, and nods, and finger kisses, and bright
+eyes, and sweet glances, that the fair flyers shot at our friend as they
+darted past. We were lost in astonishment at the sight. 'Verily,' said we,
+'but the old man was right. This _is_ an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar
+man.'
+
+Young Puffington was then in the heyday of youth, about one-and-twenty or
+so, fair-haired, fresh-complexioned, slim, and standing, with the aid of
+high-heeled boots, little under six feet high. He had taken after his
+mother, not after old Tom Trodgers, as they called his papa. At length we
+crossed over Oxford Street, and taking the shady side of Bond Street, were
+quickly among the real swells of the world--men who crawled along as if
+life was a perfect burden to them--men with eye-glasses fixed and tasselled
+canes in their hands, scarcely less ponderous than those borne by the
+footmen. Great Heavens! but they were tight, and smart, and shiny; and
+Puffington was just as tight, and smart, and shiny as any of them. He was
+as much in his element here as he appeared to be out of it in Oxford
+Street. It might be prejudice, or want of penetration on our part, but we
+thought he looked as high-bred as any of them. They all seemed to know each
+other, and the nodding, and winking, and jerking, began as soon as we got
+across. Puff kindly acted as cicerone, or we should not have been aware of
+the consequence we were encountering.
+
+'Well, Jemmy!' exclaimed a debauched-looking youth to our friend, 'how are
+you?--breakfasted yet?'
+
+'Going to,' replied Puffington, whom they called Jemmy because his name was
+Tommy.
+
+'That,' said he, in an undertone, 'is a _capital_ fellow--Lord Legbail,
+eldest son of the Marquis of Loosefish--will be Lord Loosefish. We were at
+the Finish together till six this morning--such fun!--bonneted a Charley,
+stole his rattle, and broke an early breakfast-man's stall all to shivers.'
+Just then up came a broad-brimmed hat, above a confused mass of greatcoats
+and coloured shawls.
+
+'Holloa, Jack!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, laying hold of a mother-of-pearl
+button nearly as large as a tart-plate, 'not off yet?'
+
+'Just going,' replied Jack, with a touch of his hat, as he rolled on,
+adding, 'want aught down the road?'
+
+'What coachman is that?' asked we.
+
+'_Coachman!_' replied Puff, with a snort. 'That's Jack Linchpin--Honourable
+Jack Linchpin--son of Lord Splinterbars--best gentleman coachman in
+England.'
+
+So Puffington sauntered along, good morninging 'Sir Harrys' and 'Sir
+Jameses,' and 'Lord Johns' and 'Lord Toms,' till, seeing a batch of
+irreproachable dandies flattening their noses against the windows of the
+Sailors' Old Club, in whose eyes, he perhaps thought, our city coat and
+country gaiters would not find much favour, he gave us a hasty parting
+squeeze of the arm and bolted into Long's just as a mountainous
+hackney-coach was rumbling between us and them.
+
+But to the old man. Time rolled on, and at length old Puffington paid the
+debt of nature--the only debt, by the way, that he was slow in
+discharging--and our friend found himself in possession, not only of the
+starch manufactory, but of a very great accumulation of consols--so great
+that, though starch is as inoffensive a thing as a man can well deal in, a
+thing that never obtrudes itself, or, indeed appears in a shop unless it is
+asked for--notwithstanding all this, and though it was bringing him in lots
+of money, our friend determined to 'cut the shop' and be done with trade
+altogether.
+
+Accordingly, he sold the premises and good-will, with all the stock of
+potatoes and wheat, to the foreman, old Soapsuds, at something below what
+they were really worth, rather than make any row in the way of advertising;
+and the name of 'Soapsuds, Brothers & Co.' reigns on the
+blue-and-whitey-brown parcel-ends, where formerly that of Puffington stood
+supreme.
+
+It is a melancholy fact, which those best acquainted with London society
+can vouch for, that her 'swells' are a very ephemeral race. Take the last
+five-and-twenty years--say from the days of the Golden Ball and Pea-green
+Hayne down to those of Molly C----l and Mr. D-l-f-ld--and see what a
+succession of joyous--no, not joyous, but rattling, careless, dashing,
+sixty-percenting youths we have had.
+
+And where are they all now? Some dead, some at Boulogne-sur-Mer, some in
+Denman Lodge, some perhaps undergoing the polite attentions of Mr.
+Commissioner Phillips, or figuring in Mr. Hemp's periodical publication of
+gentlemen 'who are wanted.'
+
+In speaking of 'swells,' of course we are not alluding to men with
+reference to their clothes alone, but to men whose dashing, and perhaps
+eccentric, exteriors are but indicative of their general system of
+extravagance. The man who rests his claims to distinction solely on his
+clothes will very soon find himself in want of society. Many things
+contribute to thin the ranks of our swells. Many, as we said before, outrun
+the constable. Some get fat, some get married, some get tired, and a few
+get wiser. There is, however, always a fine pushing crop coming on. A man
+like Puffington, who starts a dandy (in contradistinction to a swell), and
+adheres steadily to clothes--talking eternally of the cuts of coats or the
+ties of cravats--up to the sober age of forty, must be always falling back
+on the rising generation for society.
+
+Puffington was not what the old ladies call a profligate young man. On the
+contrary, he was naturally a nice, steady young man; and only indulged in
+the vagaries we have described because they were indulged in by the
+high-born and gay.
+
+Tom and Jerry had a great deal to answer for in the way of leading
+soft-headed young men astray; and old Puffington having had the misfortune
+to christen our friend 'Thomas,' of course his companions dubbed him
+'Corinthian Tom'; by which name he has been known ever since.
+
+A man of such undoubted wealth could not be otherwise than a great
+favourite with the fair, and innumerable were the invitations that poured
+into his chambers in the Albany--dinner parties, evening parties, balls,
+concerts, boxes for the opera; and as each succeeding season drew to a
+close, invitations to those last efforts of the desperate, boating and
+whitebait parties.
+
+Corinthian Tom went to them all--at least, to as many as he could
+manage--always dressing in the most exemplary way, as though he had been
+asked to show his fine clothes instead of to make love to the ladies.
+Manifold were the hopes and expectations that he raised. Puff could not
+understand that, though it is all very well to be 'an am_aa_zin' instance
+of a pop'lar man' with the men, that the same sort of thing does not do
+with the ladies.
+
+We have heard that there were six mammas, bowling about in their barouches,
+at the close of his second season, innuendoing, nodding, and hinting to
+their friends, 'that, &c.,' when there wasn't one of their daughters who
+had penetrated the rhinoceros-like hide of his own conceit. The consequence
+was that all these ladies, all their daughters, all the relations and
+connexions of this life, thought it incumbent upon them to 'blow' our
+friend Puff--proclaim how infamously he had behaved--all because he had
+danced three supper dances with one girl, brought another a fine bouquet
+from Covent Garden, walked a third away from her party at a picnic at
+Erith, begged the mamma of a fourth to take her to a Woolwich ball, sent a
+fifth a ticket for a Toxophilite meeting, and dangled about the carriage of
+the sixth at a review at the Scrubbs. Poor Puff never thought of being
+more than an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar man!
+
+Not that the ladies' denunciations did the Corinthian any harm at
+first--old ladies know each other better than that; and each new mamma had
+no doubt but Mrs. Depecarde or Mrs. Mainchance, as the case might be, had
+been deceiving herself--'was always doing so, indeed; her ugly girls were
+not likely to attract any one--certainly not such an elegant man as
+Corinthian Tom.'
+
+But as season after season passed away, and the Corinthian still played the
+old game--still went the old rounds--the dinner and ball invitations
+gradually dwindled away, till he became a mere stop-gap at the one, and a
+landing-place appendage at the other.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUFFINGTON, FROM THE ORIGINAL PICTURE]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+THE MAN OF P-R-O-R-PERTY
+
+
+And now behold Mr. Puffington, fat, fair, and rather more than
+forty--Puffington, no longer the light limber lad who patronized us in Bond
+Street, but Puffington a plump, portly sort of personage, filling his smart
+clothes uncommonly full. Men no longer hailing him heartily from bay
+windows, or greeting him cheerily in short but familiar terms, but bowing
+ceremoniously as they passed with their wives, or perhaps turning down
+streets or into shops to avoid him. What is the last rose of summer to do
+under such circumstances? What, indeed, but retire into the country? A man
+may shine there long after he is voted a bore in town, provided none of his
+old friends are there to proclaim him. Country people are tolerant of
+twaddle, and slow of finding things out for themselves. Puff now turned his
+attention to the country, or rather to the advertisements of estates for
+sale, and immortal George Robins soon fitted him with one of his earthly
+paradises; a mansion replete with every modern elegance, luxury, and
+convenience, situated in the heart of the most lovely scenery in the world,
+with eight hundred acres of land of the finest quality, capable of growing
+forty bushels of wheat after turnips. In addition to the estate there was a
+lordship or reputed lordship to shoot over, a river to fish in, a pack of
+fox-hounds to hunt with, and the advertisements gave a sly hint as to the
+possibility of the property influencing the representation of the
+neighbouring borough of Swillingford, if not of returning the member
+itself.
+
+This was Hanby House, and though the description undoubtedly partook of
+George's usual high-flown _couleur-de-rose_ style, the manor being only a
+manor provided the owner sacrificed his interest in Swillingford by driving
+off its poachers, and the river being only a river when the tiny Swill was
+swollen into one, still Hanby House was a very nice attractive sort of
+place, and seen in the rich foliage of its summer dress, with all its roses
+and flowering shrubs in full blow, the description was not so wide of the
+mark as Robins's descriptions usually were. Puff bought it, and became what
+he called 'a man of p-r-o-r-perty.' To be sure, after he got possession he
+found that it was only an acre here and there that would grow forty bushels
+of wheat after turnips, and that there was a good deal more to do at the
+house than he expected, the furniture of the late occupants having hidden
+many defects, added to which they had walked off with almost everything
+they could wrench down, under the name of fixtures; indeed, there was not a
+peg to hang up his hat when he entered. This, however, was nothing, and
+Puff very soon made it into one of the most perfect bachelor residences
+that ever was seen. Not but that it was a family house, with good nurseries
+and offices of every description; but Puff used to take a sort of wicked
+pleasure in telling the ladies who came trooping over with their daughters,
+pretending they thought he was from home, and wishing to see the elegant
+furniture, that there was nothing in the nurseries, which he was going to
+convert into billiard and smoking-rooms. This, and a few similar sallies,
+earned our friend the reputation of a wit in the country.
+
+There was great rush of gentlemen to call upon him; many of the mammas
+seemed to think that first come would be first served, and sent their
+husbands over before he was fairly squatted. Various and contradictory were
+the accounts they brought home. Men are so stupid at seeing and remembering
+things. Old Mr. Muddle came back bemused with sherry, declaring that he
+thought Mr. Puffington was as old as he was (sixty-two), while Mrs.
+Mousetrap thought he wasn't more than thirty at the outside. She described
+him as 'painfully handsome.' Mr. Slowan couldn't tell whether the
+drawing-room furniture was chintz, or damask, or what it was; indeed, he
+wasn't sure that he was in the drawing-room at all; while Mr. Gapes
+insisted that the carpet was a Turkey carpet, whereas it was a royal cut
+pile. It might be that the smartness and freshness of everything confused
+the bucolic minds, little accustomed to wholesale grandeur.
+
+Mr. Puffington quite eclipsed all the old country families with their
+'company rooms' and put-away furniture. Then, when he began to grind about
+the country in his lofty mail-phaeton, with a pair of spanking,
+high-stepping bays, and a couple of arm-folded, lolling grooms, shedding
+his cards in return for their calls, there was such a talk, such a
+commotion, as had never been known before. Then, indeed, he was appreciated
+at his true worth.
+
+[Illustration: AN 'AMA-A-ZIN' POP'LAR' MAN]
+
+'Mr. Puffington was here the other day,' said Mrs. Smirk to Mrs. Smooth, in
+the well-known 'great-deal-more-meant-than-said' style. 'Oh such a charming
+man! Such ease! such manners! such knowledge of high life!' Puff had been
+at his old tricks. He had resuscitated Lord Legbail, now Earl of Loosefish;
+imported Sir Harry Blueun from somewhere near Geneva, whither he had
+retired on marrying his mistress; and resuscitated Lord Mudlark, who had
+broken his neck many years before from his tandem in Piccadilly. Whatever
+was said, Puff always had a duplicate or illustration involving a nobleman.
+The great names might be rather far-fetched at times, to be sure, but when
+people are inclined to be pleased they don't keep putting that and that
+together to see how they fit, and whether they come naturally or are lugged
+in neck and heels. Puff's talk was very telling.
+
+One great man to a house is the usual country allowance, and many are not
+very long in letting out who theirs are; but Puffington seemed to have the
+whole peerage, baronetage, and knightage at command. Old Mrs. Slyboots,
+indeed, thought that he must be connected with the peerage some way; his
+mother, perhaps, had been the daughter of a peer, and she gave herself an
+infinity of trouble in hunting through the 'matches'--with what success it
+is not necessary to say. The old ladies unanimously agreed that he was a
+most agreeable, interesting young man; and though the young ones did
+pretend to run him down among themselves, calling him ugly, and so on, it
+was only in the vain hope of dissuading each other from thinking of him.
+
+Mr. Puffington still stuck to the 'am_aa_zin' pop'lar man' character; a
+character that is not so convenient to support in the country as it is in
+town. The borough of Swillingford, as we have already intimated, was not
+the best conducted borough in the world; indeed, when we say that the
+principal trade of the place was poaching, our country readers will be able
+to form a very accurate opinion on that head. When Puff took possession of
+Hanby there was a fair show of pheasants about the house, and a good
+sprinkling of hares and partridges over the estate and manor generally; but
+refusing to prosecute the first poachers that were caught, the rest took
+the hint, and cleared everything off in a week, dividing the plunder among
+them. They also burnt his river and bagged his fine Dorking fowls, and all
+these feats being accomplished with impunity, they turned their attention
+to his fat sheep.
+
+'Poacher' is only a mild term for 'thief.'
+
+Puff was a perfect milch-cow in the way of generosity. He gave to
+everything and everybody, and did not seem to be acquainted with any
+smaller sum than a five-pound note; a five-pound note to replace Giles
+Jolter's cart-horse (that used to carry his own game for the poachers to
+the poulterers at Plunderstone)--five pounds to buy Dame Doubletongue
+another pig, though she had only just given three pounds for the one that
+died--five pounds towards the fire at farmer Scratchley's, though it had
+taken place two years before Puff came into the country, and Scratchley had
+been living upon it ever since--and sundry other five pounds to other
+equally deserving and amiable people. He put his name down for fifty to the
+Mangeysterne hounds without ever being asked; which reminds us that we
+ought to be directing our attention to that noble establishment.
+
+It is hard to have to go behind the scenes of an ill-supported hunt, and we
+will be as brief and tender with the cripples as we can. The Mangeysterne
+hounds wanted that great ingredient of prosperity, a large nest-egg
+subscriber, to whom all others could be tributary--paying or not as might
+be convenient. The consequence was they were always up the spout. They were
+neither a scratch pack nor a regular pack, but something betwixt and
+between. They were hunted by a saddler, who found his own horses, and
+sometimes he had a whip and sometimes he hadn't. The establishment died as
+often as old Mantalini himself. Every season that came to a close was
+proclaimed to be their last, but somehow or other they always managed to
+scramble into existence on the approach of another. It is a way, indeed,
+that delicate packs have of recruiting their finances. Nevertheless, the
+Mangeysternes did look very like coming to an end about the time that Mr.
+Puffington bought Hanby House. The saddler huntsman had failed; John Doe
+had taken one of his screws, and Richard Roe the other, and anybody might
+have the hounds that liked: Puffington then turned up.
+
+Great was the joy diffused throughout the Mangeysterne country when it
+transpired, through the medium of his valet, Louis Bergamotte, that 'his
+lor' had _beaucoup habit rouge_' in his wardrobe. Not only habit rouge, but
+habit blue and buff, that he used to sport with 'Old Beaufort' and the
+Badminton Hunt--coats that he certainly had no chance of ever getting into
+again, but still which he kept as memorials of the past--souvenirs of the
+days when he was young and slim. The bottle-conjurer could just as soon
+have got into his quart bottle as Puff could into the Beaufort coat at the
+time of which we are writing. The intelligence of their existence was
+quickly followed by the aforesaid fifty-pound cheque. A meeting of the
+Mangeysterne hunt was called at the sign of the Thirsty Freeman in
+Swillingford--Sir Charles Figgs, Knight--a large-promising but badly paying
+subscriber--in the chair, when it was proposed and carried unanimously that
+Mr. Puffington was eminently qualified for the mastership of the hunt, and
+that it be offered to him accordingly. Puff 'bit.' He recalled his early
+exploits with 'Mostyn and old Beaufort,' and resolved that the hunt had
+taken a right view of his abilities. In coming to this decision he,
+perhaps, was not altogether uninfluenced by a plausible subscription list,
+which seemed about equal to the ordinary expenses, supposing that any
+reliance could be placed on the figures and calculations of Sir Charles.
+All those, however, who have had anything to do with subscription
+lists--and in these days of universal testimonializing who has not?--well
+know that pounds upon paper and pounds in the pocket are very different
+things. Above all Puff felt that he was a new man in the country, and that
+taking the hounds would give him weight.
+
+The 'Mangeysterne dogs' then began to 'look up'; Mr. Puffington took to
+them in earnest; bought a 'Beckford,' and shortened his military stirrups
+to a hunting seat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+A SWELL HUNTSMAN
+
+
+One evening the rattle of Puff's pole-chains brought, in addition to the
+usual rush of shirt-sleeved helpers, an extremely smart, dapper little man,
+who might be either a jockey or a gentleman, or both, or neither. He was a
+clean-shaved, close-trimmed, spruce little fellow; remarkably natty about
+the legs--indeed, all over. His close-napped hat was carefully brushed, and
+what little hair appeared below its slightly curved brim was of the
+pepper-and-salt mixture of--say, fifty years. His face, though somewhat
+wrinkled and weather-beaten, was bright and healthy; and there was a
+twinkle about his little grey eyes that spoke of quickness and watchful
+observation. Altogether, he was a very quick-looking little man--a sort of
+man that would know what you were going to say before you had well broke
+ground. He wore no gills; and his neatly tied starcher had a white ground
+with small black spots, about the size of currants. The slight interregnum
+between it and his step-collared striped vest (blue stripe on a
+canary-coloured ground) showed three golden foxes' heads, acting as studs
+to his well-washed, neatly plaited shirt; while a sort of careless turn
+back of the right cuff showed similar ornaments at his wrists. His
+single-breasted, cutaway coat was Oxford mixture, with a thin cord binding,
+and very natty light kerseymere mother-o'-pearl buttoned breeches, met a
+pair of bright, beautifully fitting, rose-tinted tops, that wrinkled most
+elegantly down to the Jersey-patterned spur. He was a remarkably well got
+up little man, and looked the horseman all over.
+
+As he emerged from the stable, where he had been mastering the ins and outs
+of the establishment, learning what was allowed and what was not, what had
+not been found fault with and, therefore, might be presumed upon, and so
+on, he carried the smart dogskin leather glove of one hand in the other,
+while the fox's head of a massive silver-mounted jockey-whip peered from
+under his arm. On a ring round the fox's neck was the following
+inscription: 'FROM JACK BRAGG TO HIS COUSIN DICK.'
+
+Mr. Puffington having drawn up his mail-phaeton, and thrown the ribbons to
+the active grooms at the horses' heads in the true coaching style,
+proceeded to descend from his throne, and had reached the ground ere he was
+aware of the presence of a stranger. Seeing him then, he made the sort of
+half-obeisance of a man that does not know whether he is addressing a
+gentleman or a servant, or, maybe, a scamp, going about with a prospectus.
+Puff had been bit in the matter of some maps in London, and was wary, as
+all people ought to be, of these birds.
+
+The stranger came sidling up with a half-bow, half-touch of the hat,
+drawling out:
+
+''Sceuuse me, sir--'sceuuse me, sir,' with another half-bow and another
+half-touch of the hat. 'I'm Mister Bragg, sir--Mister Richard Bragg, sir;
+of whom you have most likely heard.'
+
+'Bragg--Richard Bragg,' repeated our friend, thoughtfully, while he scanned
+the man's features, and ran his sporting acquaintance through his mind's
+eye.
+
+'Bragg, Bragg,' repeated he, without hitting him off.
+
+'I was huntsman, sir, to my Lord Reynard, sir,' observed the stranger, with
+a touch of the hat to each 'sir.' 'Thought p'r'aps you might have known his
+ludship, sir. Before him, sir, I held office, sir, under the Duke of
+Downeybird, sir, of Downeybird Castle, sir, in Downeybirdshire, sir.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington, with a half-bow and a smile of
+politeness.
+
+'Hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne _dogs_, sir,' continued the
+stranger, with rather a significant emphasis on the word
+'_dogs_'--'hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne _dogs_, sir, it
+occurred to me that possibly I might be useful to you, sir, in your new
+calling, sir; and if you were of the same opinion, sir, why, sir, I should
+be glad to negotiate a connexion, sir.'
+
+'Hem!--hem!--hem!' coughed Mr. Puffington. 'In the way of a huntsman do you
+mean?' afraid to talk of servitude to so fine a gentleman.
+
+'Just so,' said Mr. Bragg, with a chuck of his head, 'just so. The fact is,
+though I'm used to the grass countries, sir, and could go to the Marquis of
+Maneylies, sir, to-morrow, sir, I should prefer a quiet place in a somewhat
+inferior country, sir, to a five-days-a-week one in the best. Five and six
+days a week, sir, is a terrible tax, sir, on the constitution, sir; and
+though, sir, I'm thankful to say, sir, I've pretty good 'ealth, sir, yet,
+sir, you know, sir, it don't do, sir, to take too great liberties with
+oneself, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, measuring off
+a touch, as it were, to each 'sir,' the action becoming quick towards the
+end.
+
+'Why, to tell you the truth,' said Puff, looking rather sheepish, 'to tell
+you the truth--I intended--I thought at least of--of--of--hunting them
+myself.'
+
+'Ah! that's another pair of shoes altogether, as we say in France,' replied
+Bragg, with a low bow and a copious round of the hand to the hat. 'That's
+_another_ pair of shoes altogether,' repeated he, tapping his boot with his
+whip.
+
+'Why, I _thought_ of it,' rejoined Puff, not feeling quite sure whether he
+could or not.
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Bragg, drawing on his dogskin glove as if to be off.
+
+'My friend Swellcove does it,' observed Puff.
+
+'True,' replied Bragg, 'true; but my Lord Swellcove is one of a thousand.
+See how many have failed for one that has succeeded. Why, even my Lord
+Scamperdale was 'bliged to give it up, and no man rides harder than my Lord
+Scamperdale--always goes as if he had a spare neck in his pocket. But he
+couldn't 'unt a pack of 'ounds. Your gen'l'men 'untsmen are all very well
+on fine scentin' days when everything goes smoothly and well, and the
+'ounds are tied to their fox, as it were; but see them in difficulties--a
+failing scent, 'ounds pressed upon by the field, fox chased by a dog, storm
+in the air, big brook to get over to make a cast. Oh, sir, sir, it makes
+even me, with all my acknowledged science and experience, shudder to think
+of the ordeal one undergoes!'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, staring, and beginning to think it
+mightn't be quite so easy as it looked.
+
+'I don't wish, sir, to dissuade you, sir, from the attempt, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg; 'far from it, sir--for he, sir, who never makes an effort, sir,
+never risks a failure, sir, and in great attempts, sir, 'tis glorious to
+fail, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, and then sticking
+the fox-head handle of his whip under his chin.
+
+Puff stood mute for some seconds.
+
+'My Lord Scamperdale,' continued Mr. Bragg, scrutinizing our friend
+attentively, 'was as likely a man, sir, as ever I see'd, sir, to make an
+'untsman, for he had a deal of ret (rat) ketchin' cunnin' about him, and,
+as I said before, didn't care one dim for his neck, but a more signal
+disastrous failure was never recognized. It was quite lamentable to witness
+his proceeding.'
+
+'How?' asked Mr. Puffington.
+
+'How, sir?' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'why, sir, in all wayses. He had no dog
+language, to begin with--he had little idea of making a cast--no science,
+no judgement, no manner--no nothin'--I'm dim'd if ever I see'd sich a mess
+as he made.'
+
+Puff looked unutterable things.
+
+'He never did no good, in fact, till I fit him with Frostyface. _I_ taught
+Frosty,' continued Mr. Bragg. 'He whipped in to me when I 'unted the Duke
+of Downeybird's 'ounds--nice, 'cute, civil chap he was--of all my
+pupils--and I've made some first-rate 'untsmen, I'm dim'd if I don't think
+Frostyface does me about as much credit as any on 'em. Ah, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg, with a shake of his head, 'take my word for it, sir, there's
+nothin' like a professional. S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir,' added he, with a low bow
+and a sort of military salute of his hat; 'but dim all gen'l'men 'untsmen,
+say I.'
+
+Mr. Bragg had talked himself into several good places. Lord Reynard's and
+the Duke of Downeybird's among others. He had never been able to keep any
+beyond his third season, his sauce or his science being always greater than
+the sport he showed. Still he kept up appearances, and was nothing daunted,
+it being a maxim of his that 'as one door closed another opened.'
+
+Mr. Puffington's was the door that now opened for him.
+
+What greater humiliation can a free-born Briton be subjected to than paying
+a man eighty or a hundred pounds a year, and finding him house, coals, and
+candles, and perhaps a cow, to be his master?
+
+Such was the case with poor Mr. Puffington, and such, we grieve to say, is
+the case with nine-tenths of the men who keep hounds; with all, indeed,
+save those who can hunt themselves, or who are blest with an aspiring whip,
+ready to step into the huntsman's boots if he seems inclined to put them
+off in the field. How many portly butlers are kept in subjection by having
+a footman ready to supplant them. Of all cards in the servitude pack,
+however, the huntsman's is the most difficult one to play. A man may say,
+'I'm dim'd if I won't clean my own boots or my own horse, before I'll put
+up with such a fellow's impudence'; but when it comes to hunting his own
+hounds, it is quite another pair of shoes, as Mr. Bragg would say.
+
+Mr. Bragg regularly took possession of poor Puff; as regularly as a
+policeman takes possession of a prisoner. The reader knows the sort of
+feeling one has when a lawyer, a doctor, an architect, or any one whom we
+have called in to assist, takes the initiative, and treats one as a
+nonentity, pooh-poohing all one's pet ideas, and upsetting all one's
+well-considered arrangements.
+
+Bragg soon saw he had a greenhorn to deal with, and treated Puff
+accordingly. If a 'perfect servant' is only to be got out of the
+establishments of the great, Mr. Bragg might be looked upon as a paragon of
+perfection, and now combined in his own person all the bad practices of all
+the places he had been in. Having 'accepted Mr. Puffington's situation,' as
+the elegant phraseology of servitude goes, he considered that Mr.
+Puffington had nothing more to do with the hounds, and that any
+interference in 'his department' was a piece of impertinence. Puffington
+felt like a man who has bought a good horse, but which he finds on riding
+is rather more of a horse than he likes. He had no doubt that Bragg was a
+good man, but he thought he was rather more of a gentleman than he
+required. On the other hand, Mr. Bragg's opinion of his master may be
+gleaned from the following letter which he wrote to his successor, Mr.
+Brick, at Lord Reynard's:
+
+    'HANBY HOUSE, SWILLINGFORD.
+
+    'DEAR BRICK,
+
+'If your old man is done daffling with your draft, I should like to have
+the pick of it. I'm with one Mr. Puffington, a city gent. His father was a
+great confectioner in the Poultry, just by the Mansion House, and made his
+money out of Lord Mares. I shall only stay with him till I can get myself
+suited in the rank of life in which I have been accustomed to move; but in
+the meantime I consider it necessary for my own credit to do things as they
+should be. You know my sort of hound; good shoulders, deep chests, strong
+loins, straight legs, round feet, with plenty of bone all over. I hate a
+weedy animal; a small hound, light of bone, is only fit to hunt a kat in a
+kitchen.
+
+'I shall also want a couple of whips--not fellows like waiters from
+_Crawley's_ hotel, but light, active _men_, not boys. I'll have nothin' to
+do with boys; every boy requires a man to look arter him. No; a couple of
+short, light, active men--say from five-and-twenty to thirty, with bow-legs
+and good cheery voices, as nearly of the same make as you can find them. I
+shall not give them large wage, you know; but they will have opportunities
+of improving themselves under me, and qualifying themselves for high
+places. But mind, they _must be steady_--I'll keep no unsteady servants;
+the first act of drunkenness, with me, is the last.
+
+'I shall also want a second horseman; and here I wouldn't mind a mute boy
+who could keep his elbows down and never touch the curb; but he must be
+bred in the line; a huntsman's second horseman is a critical article, and
+the sporting world must not be put in mourning for Dick Bragg. The lad will
+have to clean my boots, and wait at table when I have company--yourself,
+for instance.
+
+'This is only a poor, rough, ungentlemanly sort of shire, as far as I have
+seen it; and however they got on with the things I found that they called
+hounds I can't for the life of me imagine. I understand they went stringing
+over the country like a flock of wild geese. However, I have rectified that
+in a manner by knocking all the fast 'uns and slow 'uns on the head; and I
+shall require at least twenty couple before I can take the field. In your
+official report of what your old file puts back, you'll have the kindness
+to cobble us up good long pedigrees, and carry half of them at least back
+to the Beaufort Justice. My man has got a crochet into his head about that
+hound, and I'm dimmed if he doesn't think half the hounds in England are
+descended from the Beaufort Justice. These hounds are at present called the
+Mangeysternes, a very proper title, I should say, from all I've seen and
+heard. That, however, must be changed; and we must have a button struck,
+instead of the plain pewter plates the men have been in the habit of
+hunting in.
+
+'As to horses, I'm sure I don't know what we are to do in that line. Our
+pastrycook seems to think that a hunter, like one of his pa's pies, can be
+made and baked in a day. He talks of going over to Rowdedow Fair, and
+picking some up himself; but I should say a gentleman demeans himself sadly
+who interferes with the just prerogative of the groom. It has never been
+allowed I know in any place I have lived; nor do I think servants do
+justice to themselves or their order who submit to it. Howsomever the
+crittur has what Mr. Cobden would call the "raw material" for sport--that
+is to say, plenty of money--and I must see and apply it in such a way as
+will produce it. I'll do the thing as it should be, or not at all.
+
+'I hope your good lady is well--also all the little Bricks. I purpose
+making a little tower of some of the best kennels as soon as the drafts are
+arranged, and will spend a day or two with you, and see how you get on
+without me. Dear Brick,'
+
+    'Yours to the far end,
+
+    'RICHARD BRAGG.
+
+    'To BENJAMIN BRICK, Esq.,
+
+    'Huntsman to the Right Hon. the Earl of Reynard,
+
+    'Turkeypout Park.
+
+    'P.S.--I hope your old man keeps a cleaner tongue in
+    his head than he did when I was premier. I always say
+    there was a good bargeman spoiled when they made him
+    a lord.
+
+    'R.B.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+THE BEAUFORT JUSTICE
+
+
+There is nothing more indicative of real fine people than the easy
+indifferent sort of way they take leave of their friends. They never seem
+to care a farthing for parting.
+
+Our friend Jawleyford was quite a man of fashion in this respect. He saw
+Sponge's preparations for departure with an unconcerned air, and a--'sorry
+you're going,' was all that accompanied an imitation shake, or rather touch
+of the hand, on leaving. There was no 'I hope we shall see you again soon,'
+or 'Pray look in if you are passing our way,' or 'Now that you've found
+your way here we hope you'll not be long in being back,' or any of those
+blarneyments that fools take for earnest and wise men for nothing.
+Jawleyford had been bit once, and he was not going to give Mr. Sponge a
+second chance. Amelia too, we are sorry to say, did not seem particularly
+distressed, though she gave him just as much of a sweet look as he squeezed
+her hand, as said, 'Now, if you _should_ be a man of money, and my Lord
+Scamperdale does not make me my lady, you may,' &c.
+
+There is an old saying, that it is well to be 'off with the old love before
+one is on with the new,' and Amelia thought it was well to be on with the
+new love before she was off with the old. Sponge, therefore, was to be in
+abeyance.
+
+We mentioned the delight infused into Jawleyford Court by the receipt of
+Lord Scamperdale's letter, volunteering a visit, nor was his lordship less
+gratified at hearing in reply that Mr. Sponge was on the eve of departure,
+leaving the coast clear for his reception. His lordship was not only
+delighted at getting rid of his horror, but at proving the superiority of
+his judgement over that of Jack, who had always stoutly maintained that the
+only way to get rid of Mr. Sponge was by buying his horses.
+
+'Well, that's _good_,' said his lordship, as he read the letter; 'that's
+_good_,' repeated he, with a hearty slap of his thigh. 'Jaw's not such a
+bad chap after all; worse chaps in the world than Jaw.' And his lordship
+worked away at the point till he very nearly got him up to be a good chap.
+
+They say it never rains but it pours, and letters seldom come singly; at
+least, if they do they are quickly followed by others.
+
+As Jack and his lordship were discussing their gin, after a repast of
+cow-heel and batter-pudding, Baggs entered with the old brown
+weather-bleached letter-bag, containing a county paper, the second-hand
+copy of _Bell's Life_, that his lordship and Frostyface took in between
+them, and a very natty 'thick cream-laid' paper note.
+
+'That must be from a woman,' observed Jack, squinting ardently at the
+writing, as his lordship inspected the fine seal.
+
+'Not far wrong,' replied his lordship. 'From a bitch of a fellow, at all
+events,' said he, reading the words 'Hanby House' in the wax.
+
+'What can old Puffey be wanting now?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Some bother about hounds, most likely,' replied his lordship, breaking the
+seal, adding, 'the thing's always amusing itself with playing at sportsman.
+Hang his impudence!' exclaimed his lordship, as he opened the note.
+
+'What's happened now?' asked Jack.
+
+'How d'ye think he begins?' asked his lordship, looking at his friend.
+
+'Can't tell, I'm sure,' said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.
+
+'Dear Scamp!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing out his arms.
+
+'Dear Scamp!' repeated Jack in astonishment. 'It must be a mistake. It must
+be dear Frost, not dear Scamp.'
+
+'Dear Scamp is the word,' replied his lordship, again applying himself to
+the letter. 'Dear Scamp,' repeated he, with a snort, adding, 'the impudent
+button-maker! I'll dear Scamp him! "Dear Scamp, our friend Sponge!" Bo-o-y
+the powers, just fancy that! 'exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself back
+in his chair, as if thoroughly overcome with disgust. '_Our friend Sponge!_
+the man who nearly knocked me into the middle of the week after next--the
+man who, first and last, has broken every bone in my skin--the man who I
+hate the sight of, and detest afresh every time I see--the 'bomination of
+all 'bominations; and then to call him our friend Sponge! "Our friend
+Sponge,"' continued his lordship, reading, '"is coming on a visit of
+inspection to my hounds, and I should be glad if you would meet him."'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'_Meet him!_' snapped his lordship; 'I'd go ten miles to avoid him.'
+
+'"Glad if you would meet him,"' repeated his lordship, returning to the
+letter, and reading as follows: '"If you bring a couple of nags or so we
+can put them up, and you may get a wrinkle or two from Bragg." A wrinkle or
+two from Bragg! 'exclaimed his lordship, dropping the letter and rolling in
+his chair with laughter. 'A wrinkle or two from Bragg!--he--he--he--he! The
+idea of a wrinkle or two from Bragg!--haw--haw--haw--haw!
+
+'That beats cockfightin',' observed Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+'Doesn't it?' replied his lordship. 'The man who's so brimful of science
+that he doesn't kill above three brace of foxes in a season.'
+
+'Which Puff calls thirty,' observed Jack.
+
+'Th-i-r-ty!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'I'll lay he'll not kill
+thirty in ten years.'
+
+His lordship then picked the letter from the floor, and resumed where he
+had left off.
+
+'"I expect you will meet Tom Washball, Lumpleg, and Charley Slapp."'
+
+'A very pretty party,' observed Jack, adding, 'Wouldn't be seen goin' to a
+bull-bait with any on 'em.'
+
+'Nor I,' replied his lordship.
+
+'Birds of a feather,' observed Jack.
+
+'Just so,' said his lordship, resuming his reading.
+
+'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--" The devil you have!'
+exclaimed his lordship, grinding his teeth with disgust. 'Useful to _me_,
+you confounded haberdasher!--you hav'n't a hound in your pack that I'd
+take. "I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--"' repeated his
+lordship.
+
+'A Beaufort Justice one, for a guinea!' interrupted Jack, adding, 'He got
+the name into his head at Oxford, and has been harping upon it ever since.'
+
+'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--"' resumed his
+lordship, for the third time. '"It is Old Merriman, a remarkably stout,
+true line hunting hound; but who is getting slow for me--" Slow for you,
+you beggar!' exclaimed his lordship; 'I should have thought nothin' short
+of a wooden 'un would have been too slow for you. "He's a six-season
+hunter, and is by Fitzwilliam's Singwell out of his Darling. Singwell was
+by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock's Rhapsody. Rallywood was by Old
+Lonsdale's--" Old Lonsdale's!--the snob!' sneered Lord Scamperdale--'"Old
+Lonsdale's Palafox, out of Anson's--" Anson's!--curse the fellow,' again
+muttered his lordship--'"out of Anson's Madrigal. Darling was by old
+Grafton's Bolivar, out of Blowzy. Bolivar was by the Brocklesby; that's
+Yarborough's--" That's Yarborough's!' sneered his lordship, 'as if one
+didn't know that as well as him--"by the Brocklesby; that's Yarborough's
+Marmion out of Petre's Matchless; and Marmion was by that undeniable hound,
+the--" the--what?' asked his lordship.
+
+'Beaufort Justice, to be sure!' replied Jack.
+
+'"The Beaufort Justice!"' read his lordship, with due emphasis.
+
+'Hurrah!' exclaimed Jack, waving the dirty, egg-stained, mustardy copy of
+_Bell's Life_ over his head. 'Hurrah! I told you so.'
+
+'But hark to Justice!' exclaimed his lordship, resuming his reading. '"I've
+always been a great admirer of the Beaufort Justice blood--"'
+
+'No doubt,' said Jack; 'it's the only blood you know.'
+
+'"It was in great repute in the Badminton country in old Beaufort's time,
+with whom I hunted a great deal many years ago, I'm sorry to say. The late
+Mr. Warde, who, of course, was very justly partial to his own sort, had
+never any objection to breeding from this _Beaufort_ Justice. He was of
+Lord Egremont's blood, by the New Forest Justice; Justice by Mr. Gilbert's
+Jasper; and Jasper bred by Egremont--" Oh, the hosier!' exclaimed his
+lordship; 'he'll be the death of me.'
+
+'Is that all?' asked Jack, as his lordship seemed lost in meditation.
+
+'All?--no!' replied he, starting up, adding, 'here's something about you.'
+
+'Me!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'"If Mr. Spraggon is with you, and you like to bring him, I can manage to
+put him up too,"' read his lordship. 'What think you of that?' asked his
+lordship, turning to our friend, who was now squinting his eyes inside out
+with anger.
+
+'Think of it!' retorted Jack, kicking out his legs--'think of it!--why, I
+think he's a dim'd impittant feller, as Bragg would say.'
+
+'So he is,' replied his lordship; 'treating my friend Jack so.'
+
+'I've a good mind to go,' observed Jack, after a pause, thinking he might
+punish Puff, and try to do a little business with Sponge. 'I've a good mind
+to go,' repeated he; 'just by way of paying Master Puff off. He's a
+consequential jackass, and wants taking down a peg or two.'
+
+'I think you may as well go and do it,' replied his lordship, after
+thinking the matter over; 'I think you may as well go and do it. Not that
+he'll be good to take the conceit out of, but you may vex him a bit; and
+also learn something of the movements of his friend Sponge. If he sarves
+Puff out as he's sarved me,' continued his lordship, rubbing his ribs with
+his elbows, 'he'll very soon have enough of him.'
+
+'Well,' said Jack, 'I really think it will be worth doing. I've never been
+at the beggar's shop, and they say he lives well.'
+
+'_Well_, aye!' exclaimed his lordship; 'fat o' the land--dare say that man
+has fish and soup every day.'
+
+'And wax-candles to read by, most likely,' observed Jack, squinting at the
+dim mutton-fats that Baggs now brought in.
+
+'Not so grand as that,' observed his lordship, doubting whether any man
+could be guilty of such extravagance; 'composites, p'raps.'
+
+It being decided that Jack should answer Mr. Puffington's invitation as
+well and saucily as he could, and a sheet of very inferior paper being at
+length discovered in the sideboard drawer, our friends forthwith proceeded
+to concoct it. Jack having at length got all square, and the black-ink
+lines introduced below, dipped his pen in the little stone ink-bottle, and,
+squinting up at his lordship, said:
+
+'How shall I begin?'
+
+'Begin?' replied he. 'Begin--oh, let's see--begin--begin, "Dear Puff," to
+be sure.'
+
+'That'll do,' said Jack, writing away.
+
+('Dear Puff!' sneered our friend, when he read it; 'the idea of a fellow
+like that writing to a man of my p-r-o-r-perty that way.')
+
+'Say "Scamp,"' continued his lordship, dictating again, '"is engaged, but
+I'll be with you at feeding-time."'
+
+('Scamp's engaged,' read Puffington, with a contemptuous curl of the lip,
+'Scamp's engaged: I like the impudence of a fellow like that calling
+noblemen nicknames.')
+
+The letter concluded by advising Puffington to stick to the Beaufort
+Justice blood, for there was nothing in the world like it. And now, having
+got both our friends booked for visits, we must yield precedence to the
+nobleman, and accompany him to Jawleyford Court.
+
+[Illustration: LORD SCAMPERDALE AS HE APPEARED IN HIS 'SWELL' CLOTHES]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+LORD SCAMPERDALE AT JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+Although we have hitherto depicted Lord Scamperdale either in his great
+uncouth hunting-clothes or in the flare-up red and yellow Stunner tartan,
+it must not be supposed that he had not fine clothes when he chose to wear
+them, only he wanted to save them, as he said, to be married in. That he
+had fine ones, indeed, was evident from the rig-out he lent Jack when that
+worthy went to Jawleyford Court, and, in addition to those which were of
+the evening order, he had an uncommonly smart Stultz frock-coat, with a
+velvet collar, facings, and cuffs, and a silk lining. Though so rough and
+ready among the men, he was quite the dandy among the ladies, and was as
+anxious about his appearance as a girl of sixteen. He got himself clipped
+and trimmed, and shaved with the greatest care, curving his whiskers high
+on to the cheekbones, leaving a great breadth of bare fallow below.
+
+Baggs the butler was despatched betimes to Jawleyford Court with the
+dog-cart freighted with clothes, driven by a groom to attend to the horses,
+while his lordship mounted his galloping grey hack towards noon, and dashed
+through the country like a comet. The people, who were only accustomed to
+see him in his short, country-cut hunting-coats, baggy breeches, and
+shapeless boots, could hardly recognize the frock-coated, fancy-vested,
+military-trousered swell, as Lord Scamperdale. Even Titus Grabbington, the
+superintendent of police, declared that he wouldn't have known him but for
+his hat and specs. The latter, we need hardly say, were the silver
+ones--the pair that he would not let Jack have when he went to Jawleyford
+Court. So his lordship went capering and careering along, avoiding, of
+course, all the turnpike-gates, of which he had a mortal aversion.
+
+Jawleyford Court was in full dress to receive him--everything was full fig.
+Spigot appeared in buckled shorts and black silk stockings; while vases of
+evergreens and winter flowers mounted sentry on passage tables and
+landing-places. Everything bespoke the elegant presence of the fair.
+
+To the credit of Dame Fortune let us record that everything went smoothly
+and well. Even the kitchen fire behaved as it ought. Neither did Lord
+Scamperdale arrive before he was wanted, a very common custom with people
+unused to public visiting. He cast up just when he was wanted. His ring of
+the door-bell acted like the little tinkling bell at a theatre, sending all
+parties to their places, for the curtain to rise.
+
+Spigot and his two footmen answered the summons, while his lordship's groom
+rushed out of a side-door, with his mouth full of cold meat, to take his
+hack.
+
+Having given his flat hat to Spigot, his whip-stick to one footman, and his
+gloves to the other, he proceeded to the family tableau in the
+drawing-room.
+
+Though his lordship lived so much by himself he was neither _gauche_ nor
+stupid when he went into society. Unlike Mr. Spraggon, he had a tremendous
+determination of words to the mouth, and went best pace with his tongue
+instead of coughing and hemming, and stammering and stuttering--wishing
+himself 'well out of it,' as the saying is. His seclusion only seemed to
+sharpen his faculties and make him enjoy society more. He gushed forth like
+a pent-up fountain. He was not a bit afraid of the ladies--rather the
+contrary; indeed, he would make love to them all--all that were
+good-looking, at least, for he always candidly said that he 'wouldn't have
+anything to do with the ugly 'uns.' If anything, he was rather too
+vehement, and talked to the ladies in such an earnest, interested sort of
+way, as made even bystanders think there was 'something in it,' whereas, in
+point of fact, it was mere manner.
+
+He began as soon as ever he got to Jawleyford Court--at least, as soon as
+he had paid his respects all round and got himself partially thawed at the
+fire; for the cold had struck through his person, his fine clothes being a
+poor substitute for his thick double-milled red coat, blankety waistcoat,
+and Jersey shirt.
+
+There are some good-natured, well-meaning people in this world who think
+that fox-hunters can talk of nothing but hunting, and who put themselves to
+very serious inconvenience in endeavouring to get up a little conversation
+for them. We knew a bulky old boy of this sort, who invariably, after the
+cloth was drawn, and he had given each leg a kick out to see if they were
+on, commenced with, 'Well, I suppose, Mr. Harkington has a fine set of dogs
+this season?' 'A fine set of dogs this season! 'What an observation! How on
+earth could any one hope to drive a conversation on the subject with such a
+commencement?
+
+Some ladies are equally obliging in this respect. They can stoop to almost
+any subject that they think will procure them husbands. Music!--if a man is
+fond of music, they will sing themselves into his good graces in no time.
+Painting!--oh, they adore painting--though in general they don't profess to
+be great hands at it themselves. Balls, boating, archery, racing--all these
+they can take a lively interest in; or, if occasion requires, can go on
+the serious tack and hunt a parson with penny subscriptions for a
+clothing-club or soup-kitchen.
+
+Fox-hunting!--we do not know that fox-hunting is so safe a speculation for
+young ladies as any of the foregoing. There are many pros and cons in the
+matter of the chase. A man may think--especially in these hard times, with
+'wheat below forty,' as Mr. Springwheat would say--that it will be as much
+as he can do to mount himself. Again, he may not think a lady looks any
+better for running down with perspiration, and being daubed with mud. Above
+all, if he belongs to the worshipful company of Craners, he may not like
+for his wife to be seen beating him across country.
+
+Still, there are many ways that young ladies may insinuate themselves into
+the good graces of sportsmen without following them into the hunting-field.
+Talking about their horses, above all admiring them, taking an interest in
+their sport, seeing that they have nice papers of sandwiches to take out
+with them, or recommending them to be bled when they come home with dirty
+faces after falls.
+
+Miss Amelia Jawleyford, who was most elegantly attired in a sea-green silk
+dress with large imitation pearl buttons, claiming the usual privilege of
+seniority of birth, very soon led the charge against Lord Scamperdale.
+
+'Oh, what a lovely horse that is you were riding,' observed she, as his
+lordship kept stooping with both his little red fists close into the bars
+of the grate.
+
+'Isn't it!' exclaimed he, rubbing his hands heartily together. 'Isn't it!'
+repeated he, adding, 'that's what I call a clipper.'
+
+'Why do you call it so?' asked she.
+
+'Oh, I don't mean that clipper is its name,' replied he; 'indeed, we call
+her Cherry Bounce in the stable--but she's what they call a clipper--a good
+'un to go, you know,' continued he, staring at the fair speaker through his
+great, formidable spectacles.
+
+We believe there is nothing frightens a woman so much as staring at her
+through spectacles. A barrister in barnacles is a far more formidable
+cross-examiner than one without. But, to his lordship's back.
+
+'Will he eat bread out of your hand?' asked Amelia, adding, 'I _should_ so
+like a horse that would eat bread out of my hand.'
+
+'Oh yes; or cheese either,' replied his lordship, who was a bit of a wag,
+and as likely to try a horse with one as the other.
+
+'Oh, how delightful! what a charming horse!' exclaimed Amelia, turning her
+fine eyes up to the ceiling.
+
+'Are you fond of horses?' asked his lordship, smacking one hand against the
+other, making a noise like the report of a pistol.
+
+'Oh, so fond!' exclaimed Amelia, with a start; for she hadn't got through
+her favourite, and, as she thought, most attractive attitude.
+
+'Well, now, that's nice,' said his lordship, giving his other hand a
+similar bang, adding, 'I like a woman that's fond of horses.'
+
+'Then 'Melia and you'll 'gree nicely,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, who was
+always ready to give a helping hand to her own daughters, at least.
+
+'I don't doubt it!' replied his lordship, with emphasis, and a third bang
+of his hand, louder if possible than before. 'And do _you_ like horses?'
+asked his lordship, darting sharply round on Emily, who had been yielding,
+or rather submitting, to the precedence of her sister.
+
+'Oh yes; and hounds, too!' replied she eagerly.
+
+'And hounds, too!' exclaimed his lordship, with a start, and another hearty
+bang of the fist, adding, 'well, now, I like a woman that likes hounds.'
+
+Amelia frowned at the unhandsome march her sister had stolen upon her. Just
+then in came Jawleyford, much to the annoyance of all parties. A host
+should never show before the dressing-bell rings.
+
+When that glad sound was at length heard, the ladies, as usual, immediately
+withdrew; and of course the first thing Amelia did when she got to her room
+was to run to the glass to see how she had been looking: when, grievous to
+relate, she found an angry hot spot in the act of breaking out on her nose.
+
+What a distressing situation for a young lady, especially one with a
+spectacled suitor. 'Oh, dear!' she thought, as she eyed it in the glass,
+'it will look like Vesuvius itself through his formidable inquisitors.'
+Worst of all, it was on the side she would have next him at dinner, should
+he choose to sit with his back to the fire. However, there was no help for
+it, and the maid kindly assuring her, as she worked away at her hair, that
+it 'would never be seen,' she ceased to watch it, and turned her attention
+to her toilette. The fine, new broad-lace flounced, light-blue satin
+dress--a dress so much like a ball dress as to be only appreciable as a
+dinner one by female eyes--was again in requisition; while her fine arms
+were encircled with chains and armlets of various brilliance and devices.
+Thus attired, with a parting inspection of the spot, she swept downstairs,
+with as smart a bouquet as the season would afford. As luck would have it,
+she encountered his lordship himself wandering about the passage in search
+of the drawing-room, of whose door he had not made a sufficient observation
+on leaving. He too, was uncommonly smart, with the identical dress-coat Mr.
+Spraggon wore, a white waistcoat with turquoise buttons, a lace-frilled
+shirt, and a most extensive once-round Joinville. He had been eminently
+successful in accomplishing a tie that would almost rival the sticks
+farmers put upon truant geese to prevent their getting through gaps or
+under gates.
+
+Well, Miss Amelia having come to his lordship's assistance, and eased him
+of his candle, now showed him into the drawing-room; and his hands being
+disengaged, like a true Englishman, he must be doing, and accordingly he
+commenced an attack on her bouquet.
+
+'That's a fine nosegay!' exclaimed he, staring and rubbing his snub nose
+into the midst of it.
+
+'Let me give you a piece,' replied Amelia, proceeding to detach some of the
+best.
+
+'Do,' replied his lordship, banging one hand against the other, adding,
+'I'll wear it next my heart of hearts.'
+
+In sidled Miss Emily just as his lordship was adjusting it in his
+button-hole, and the inconstant man immediately chopped over to her.
+
+'Well, now, that _is_ a beautiful nosegay!' exclaimed he, turning upon her
+in precisely the same way, with a bang of the hand and a dive of his nose
+into Emily's.
+
+She did not offer him any, and his lordship continued his attentions to her
+until Mrs. Jawleyford entered.
+
+Dinner was presently announced; but his lordship, instead of choosing to
+sit with his back to the fire, took the single chair opposite, which gave
+him a commanding view of the young ladies. He did not, however, take any
+advantage of his position during the repast, neither did he talk much, his
+maxim being to let his meat stop his mouth. The preponderance of his
+observations, perhaps, were addressed to Amelia, though a watchful observer
+might have seen that the spectacles were oftener turned upon Emily. Up to
+the withdrawal of the cloth, however, there was no perceptible advantage on
+either side.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As his lordship settled to the sweets, at which he was a great hand at
+dessert, Amelia essayed to try her influence with the popular subject of a
+ball. 'I wish the members of your hunt would give us a ball, my lord,'
+observed she.
+
+'Ah, hay, hum--ball,' replied he, ladling up the syrup of some preserved
+peaches that he had been eating; 'ball, ball, ball. No place to give it--no
+place to give it,' repeated he.
+
+'Oh, give it in the town-hall, or the long room at the Angel,' replied she.
+
+'Town-hall--long room at the Angel--Angel at the long room of the
+town-hall--oh, certainly, certainly, certainly,' muttered he, scraping away
+at the contents of his plate.
+
+'Then that's a bargain, mind,' observed Amelia significantly.
+
+'Bargain, bargain, bargain--certainly,' replied he; 'and I'll lead off with
+you, or you'll lead off with me--whichever way it is--meanwhile, I'll
+trouble you for a piece of that gingerbread.'
+
+Having supplied him with a most liberal slice, she resumed the subject of
+the ball.
+
+'Then we'll fix it so,' observed she.
+
+'Oh, fix it so, certainly--certainly fix it so,' replied his lordship,
+filling his mouth full of gingerbread.
+
+'Suppose we have it on the day of the races?' continued Amelia.
+
+'Couldn't be better,' replied his lordship; 'couldn't be better,' repeated
+he, eyeing her intently through his formidable specs.
+
+His lordship was quite in the assenting humour, and would have agreed to
+anything--anything short of lending one a five-pound note.
+
+Amelia was charmed with her success. Despite the spot on her nose, she felt
+she was winning.
+
+His lordship sat like a target, shot at by all, but making the most of his
+time, both in the way of eating and staring between questions.
+
+At length the ladies withdrew, and his lordship having waddled to the door
+to assist their egress, now availed himself of Jawleyford's invitation to
+occupy an arm-chair during the enjoyment of his 'Wintle.'
+
+Whether it was the excellence of the beverage, or that his lordship was
+unaccustomed to wine-drinking, or that Jawleyford's conversation was
+unusually agreeable, we know not, but the summons to tea and coffee was
+disregarded, and when at length they did make their appearance, his
+lordship was what the ladies call rather elevated, and talked thicker than
+there was any occasion for. He was very voluble at first--told all how
+Sponge had knocked him about, how he detested him, and wouldn't allow him
+to come to the hunt ball, &c.; but he gradually died out, and at last fell
+asleep beside Mrs. Jawleyford on the sofa, with his little legs crossed,
+and a half-emptied coffee-cup in his hand, which Mr. Jawleyford and she
+kept anxiously watching, expecting the contents to be over the fine satin
+furniture every moment.
+
+In this pleasant position they remained till he awoke himself with a hearty
+snore, and turned the coffee over on to the carpet. Fortunately there was
+little damage done, and, it being nearly twelve o'clock, his lordship
+waddled off to bed.
+
+Amelia, when she came to think matters over in the retirement of her own
+room, was well satisfied with the progress she had made. She thought she
+only wanted opportunity to capture him. Though she was most anxious for a
+good night in order that she might appear to advantage in the morning,
+sleep forsook her eyelids, and she lay awake long thinking what she would
+do when she was my lady--how she would warm Woodmansterne, and what a
+dashing equipage she would keep. At length she dropped off, just as she
+thought she was getting into her well-appointed chariot, showing a becoming
+portion of her elegantly turned ankles.
+
+In the morning she attired herself in her new light blue satin robe,
+corsage Albanaise, with a sort of three-quarter sleeves, and muslin under
+ones--something, we believe, out of the last book of fashion. She also had
+her hair uncommonly well arranged, and sported a pair of clean
+primrose-coloured gloves. 'Now for victory,' said she, as she took a
+parting glance at herself in general, and the hot spot in particular.
+
+Judge of her disgust on meeting her mamma on the staircase at learning that
+his lordship had got up at six o'clock, and had gone to meet his hounds on
+the other side of the county. That Baggs had boiled his oatmeal porridge in
+his bedroom, and his lordship had eaten it as he was dressing.
+
+It may be asked, what was the maid about not to tell her.
+
+The fact is, that ladies'-maids are only numb hands in all that relates to
+hunting, and though Juliana knew that his lordship was up, she thought he
+had gone to have his hunt before breakfast, just as the young gentlemen in
+the last place she lived in used to go and have a bathe.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Baggs, we may add, was a married man, and Juliana and he had not had much
+conversation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+MR. BRAGG'S KENNEL MANAGEMENT
+
+
+The reader will now have the kindness to consider that Mr. Puffington has
+undergone his swell huntsman, Dick Bragg, for three whole years, during
+which time it was difficult to say whether his winter's service or his
+summer's impudence was most oppressive. Either way, Mr. Puffington had had
+enough both of him and the honours of hound-keeping. Mr. Bragg was not a
+judicious tyrant. He lorded it too much over Mr. Puffington; was too fond
+of showing himself off, and exposing his master's ignorance before the
+servants, and field. A stranger would have thought that Mr. Bragg, and not
+'Mr. Puff,' as Bragg called him, kept the hounds. Mr. Puffington took it
+pretty quietly at first, Bragg inundating him with what they did at the
+Duke of Downeybird's, Lord Reynard's, and the other great places in which
+he had lived, till he almost made Puff believe that such treatment was a
+necessary consequence of hound-keeping. Moreover, the cost was heavy, and
+the promised subscriptions were almost wholly imaginary; even if they had
+been paid, they would not have covered a quarter of the expense Mr. Bragg
+ran him to; and worst of all, there was an increasing instead of a
+diminishing expenditure. Trust a servant for keeping things up to the mark.
+
+All things, however, have an end, and Mr. Bragg began to get to the end of
+Mr. Puff's patience. As Puff got older he got fonder of his five-pound
+notes, and began to scrutinize bills and ask questions; to be, as Mr. Bragg
+said, 'very little of the gentleman'; Bragg, however, being quite one of
+your 'make-hay-while-the-sun-shines' sort, and knowing too well the style
+of man to calculate on a lengthened duration of office, just put on the
+steam of extravagance, and seemed inclined to try how much he could spend
+for his master. His bills for draft hounds were enormous; he was
+continually chopping and changing his horses, often almost without
+consulting his master; he had a perfect museum of saddles and bridles, in
+which every invention and variety of bit was exhibited; and he had paid as
+much as twenty pounds to different 'valets' and grooms for invaluable
+recipes for cleaning leather breeches and gloves. Altogether, Bragg overdid
+the thing; and when Mr. Puffington, in the solitude of a winter's day, took
+pen, ink, and paper, and drew out a 'balance sheet,' he found that on the
+average of six brace of foxes to the season, they had cost him about three
+hundred pounds a head killing. It was true that Bragg always returned five
+or six and twenty brace; but that was as between Bragg and the public, as
+between Bragg and his master the smaller figure was the amount.
+
+Mr. Puffington had had enough of it, and he now thought if he could get Mr.
+Sponge (who he still believed to be a sporting author on his travels) to
+immortalize him, he might retire into privacy, and talk of 'when _I_ kept
+hounds,' 'when _I_ hunted the country,' 'when _I_ was master of hounds _I_
+did this, and _I_ did that,' and fuss, and be important as we often see
+ex-masters of hounds when they go out with other packs. It was this
+erroneous impression with regard to Mr. Sponge that took our friend to the
+meet of Lord Scamperdale's hounds at Scrambleford Green, when he gave Mr.
+Sponge a general invitation to visit him before he left the country, an
+invitation that was as acceptable to Mr. Sponge on his expulsion from
+Jawleyford Court, as it was agreeable to Mr. Puffington--by opening a route
+by which he might escape from the penalty of hound-keeping, and the
+persecution of his huntsman.
+
+The reader will therefore now have the kindness to consider Mr. Puffington
+in receipt of Mr. Sponge's note, volunteering a visit.
+
+With gay and cheerful steps our friend hurried off to the kennel, to
+communicate the intelligence to Mr. Bragg of an intended honour that he
+inwardly hoped would have the effect of extinguishing that great sporting
+luminary.
+
+Arriving at the kennel, he learned from the old feeder, Jack Horsehide,
+who, as usual, was sluicing the flags with water, though the weather was
+wet, that Mr. Bragg was in the house (a house that had been the steward's
+in the days of the former owner of Hanby House). Thither Mr. Puffington
+proceeded; and the front door being open he entered, and made for the
+little parlour on the right. Opening the door without knocking, what should
+he find but the swell huntsman, Mr. Bragg, full fig, in his cap, best
+scarlet and leathers, astride a saddle-stand, sitting for his portrait!
+
+'_O, dim it!_' exclaimed Bragg, clasping the front of the stand as if it
+was a horse, and throwing himself off, an operation that had the effect of
+bringing the new saddle on which he was seated bang on the floor. 'O,
+sc-e-e-use me, sir,' seeing it was his master, 'I thought it was my
+servant; this, sir,' continued he, blushing and looking as foolish as men
+do when caught getting their hair curled or sitting for their portraits,
+'this, sir, is my friend, Mr. Ruddle, the painter, sir--yes, sir--very
+talented young man, sir--asked me to sit for my portrait, sir--is going to
+publish a series of portraits of all the best huntsmen in England, sir.'
+
+'And masters of hounds,' interposed Mr. Ruddle, casting a sheep's eye at
+Mr. Puffington.
+
+'And masters of hounds, sir,' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'yes, sir, and masters of
+hounds, sir'; Mr. Bragg being still somewhat flurried at the unexpected
+intrusion.
+
+'Ah, well,' interrupted Mr. Puffington, who was still eager about his
+mission, 'we'll talk about that after. At present I'm come to tell you,'
+continued he, holding up Mr. Sponge's note, 'that we must brush up a
+little--going to have a visit of inspection from the great Mr. Sponge.'
+
+'Indeed, sir!' replied Mr. Bragg, with the slightest possible touch of his
+cap, which he still kept on. 'Mr. Sponge, sir!--indeed, sir--Mr. Sponge,
+sir--pray who may _he_ be, sir?'
+
+'Oh--why--hay--hum--haw--he's Mr. Sponge, you know--been hunting with Lord
+Scamperdale, you know--great sportsman, in fact--great authority, you
+know.' 'Indeed--great authority is he--indeed--oh--yes--thinks so
+p'raps--sc-e-e-use me, sir, but des-say, sir, I've forgot more, sir, than
+Mr. Sponge ever knew, sir.'
+
+'Well, but you mustn't tell him so,' observed Mr. Puffington, fearful that
+Bragg might spoil sport.
+
+'Oh, tell him--no,' sneered Bragg, with a jerk of the head; 'tell him--no;
+I'm not exactly such a donkey as that; on the contrary, I'll make things
+pleasant, sir--sugar his milk for him, sir, in short, sir.'
+
+'Sugar his milk!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, who was only a matter-of-fact
+man; 'sugar his milk! I dare say he takes tea.'
+
+'Well, then, sugar his tea,' replied Bragg, with a smile, adding, 'can
+'commodate myself, sir, to circumstances, sir,' at the same time taking off
+his cap and setting a chair for his master.
+
+'Thank you, but I'm not going to stay,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'I only
+came up to let you know who you had to expect, so that you might prepare,
+you know--have all on the square, you know--best horses--best hounds--best
+appearance in general, you know.'
+
+'That I'll attend to,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a toss of the head--'that
+_I'll_ attend to,' repeated he, with an emphasis on the _I'll_, as much as
+to say, 'Don't you meddle with what doesn't concern you.'
+
+Mr. Puffington would fain have rebuked him for his impertinence, as indeed
+he often would fain have rebuked him; but Mr. Bragg had so overpowered him
+with science, and impressed him with the necessity of keeping him--albeit
+Mr. Puffington was sensible that he killed very few foxes--that, having put
+up with him so long, he thought it would never do to risk a quarrel, which
+might lose him the chance of getting rid of him and hounds altogether;
+therefore, Mr. Puffington, instead of saying, 'You conceited humbug, get
+out of this,' or indulging in any observations that might lead to
+controversy, said, with a satisfied, confidential nod of the head:
+
+'I'm sure you will--I'm sure you will,' and took his departure, leaving Mr.
+Bragg, to remount the saddle-stand and take the remainder of his sitting.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+MR. PUFFINGTON'S DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS
+
+
+Perhaps it was fortunate that Mr. Bragg did take the kennel management upon
+himself, or there is no saying but what with that and the house department,
+coupled with the usual fussiness of a bachelor, the Sponge visit might have
+proved too much for our master. The notice of the intended visit was short;
+and there were invitations to send out, and answers to get, bedrooms to
+prepare, and culinary arrangements to make--arrangements that people in
+town, with all their tradespeople at their elbows, can have no idea of the
+difficulty of effecting in the country. Mr. Puffington was fully employed.
+
+In addition to the parties mentioned as asked in his note to Lord
+Scamperdale, viz. Washball, Charley Slapp, and Lumpleg, were Parson
+Blossomnose; Mr. Fossick of the Flat Hat Hunt, who declined--Mr. Crane of
+Crane Hall; Captain Guano, late of that noble corps the Spotted Horse
+Marines; and others who accepted. Mr. Spraggon was a sort of volunteer, at
+all events an undesired guest, unless his lordship accompanied him. It so
+happened that the least wanted guest was the first to arrive on the
+all-important day.
+
+Lord Scamperdale, knowing our friend Jack was not over affluent, had no
+idea of spoiling him by too much luxury, and as the railway would serve a
+certain distance in the line of Hanby House, he despatched Jack to the
+Over-shoes-over-boots station with the dog-cart, and told him he would be
+sure to find a 'bus, or to get some sort of conveyance at the Squandercash
+station to take him up to Puffington's; at all events, his lordship added
+to himself, 'If he doesn't, it'll do him no harm to walk, and he can easily
+get a boy to carry his bag.'
+
+The latter was the case; for though the station-master assured Jack, on his
+arrival at Squandercash, that there was a 'bus, or a mail gig, or a
+something to every other train, there was nothing in connexion with the one
+that brought him, nor would he undertake to leave his carpet-bag at Hanby
+House before breakfast-time the next morning.
+
+[Illustration: JACK PROTESTS AGAINST ALL RAILWAYS]
+
+Jack was highly enraged, and proceeded to squint his eyes inside out, and
+abuse all railways, and chairmen, and directors, and secretaries, and
+clerks, and porters, vowing that railways were the greatest nuisances under
+the sun--that they were a perfect impediment instead of a facility to
+travelling--and declared that formerly a gentleman had nothing to do but
+order his four horses, and have them turned out at every stage as he came
+up, instead of being stopped in the _ridicklous_ manner he then was; and he
+strutted and stamped about the station as if he would put a stop to the
+whole line. His vehemence and big talk operated favourably on the Cockney
+station-master, who, thinking he must be a duke, or some great man, began
+to consider how to get him forwarded. It being only a thinly populated
+district--though there was a station equal to any mercantile emergency,
+indeed to the requirements of the whole county--he ran the resources of the
+immediate neighbourhood through his mind, and at length was obliged to
+admit--humbly and respectfully--that he really was afraid Martha Muggins's
+donkey was the only available article.
+
+Jack fumed and bounced at the very mention of such a thing, vowing that it
+was a downright insult to propose it; and he was so bumptious that the
+station-master, who had nothing to gain by the transaction, sought the
+privacy of the electric telegraph office, and left him to vent the balance
+of his wrath upon the porters.
+
+Of course they could do nothing more than the king of their little colony
+had suggested; and finding there was no help for it, Mr. Spraggon at last
+submitted to the humiliation, and set off to follow young Muggins with his
+bag on the donkey, in his best top-boots, worn under his trousers--an
+unpleasant operation to any one, but especially to a man like Jack, who
+preferred wearing his tops out against the flaps of his friends' saddles,
+rather than his soles by walking upon them. However, necessity said yes;
+and cocking his flat hat jauntily on his head, he stuck a cheroot in his
+mouth, and went smoking and swaggering on, looking--or rather
+squinting--bumptiously at everybody he met, as much as to say, 'Don't
+suppose I'm walking from necessity! I've plenty of tin.'
+
+The third cheroot brought Jack and his suite within sight of Hanby House.
+
+Mr. Puffington had about got through all the fuss of his preparations,
+arranged the billets of the guests and of those scarcely less important
+personages--their servants, allotted the stables, and rehearsed the wines,
+when a chance glance through the gaily furnished drawing-room window
+discovered Jack trudging up the trimly kept avenue.
+
+'Here's that nasty Spraggon,' exclaimed he, eyeing Jack dragging his legs
+along, adding, 'I'll be bound to say he'll never think of wiping his filthy
+feet if I don't go to meet him.'
+
+So saying, Puffington rushed to the entrance, and crowning himself with a
+white wide-awake, advanced cheerily to do so.
+
+Jack, who was more used to 'cold shoulder' than cordial reception, squinted
+and stared with surprise at the unwonted warmth, so different to their last
+interview, when Jack was fresh out of his clay-hole in the Brick Fields;
+but not being easily put out of his way, he just took Puff as Puff took
+him. They talked of Scamperdale, and they talked of Frostyface, and the
+number of foxes he had killed, the price of corn, and the difference its
+price made in the keep of hounds and horses. Altogether they were very
+'thick.'
+
+'And how's our friend Sponge?' asked Puffington, as the conversation at
+length began to flag.
+
+'Oh, he's nicely,' replied Jack, adding, 'hasn't he come yet?'
+
+'Not that I've seen,' answered Puffington, adding, 'I thought, perhaps, you
+might come together.'
+
+'No,' grunted Jack; 'he comes from Jawleyford's, you know; I'm from
+Woodmansterne.'
+
+'We'll go and see if he's come,' observed Puffington, opening a door in the
+garden-wall, into which he had manoeuvred Jack, communicating with the
+courtyard of the stable.
+
+'Here are his horses,' observed Puffington, as Mr. Leather rode through the
+great gates on the opposite side, with the renowned hunters in full
+marching order.
+
+'Monstrous fine animals they are,' said Jack, squinting intently at them.
+
+'They are that,' replied Puffington.
+
+'Mr. Sponge seems a very pleasant, gentlemanly man,' observed Mr.
+Puffington.
+
+'Oh, he is,' replied Jack.
+
+'Can you tell me--can you inform me--that's to say, can you give me any
+idea,' hesitated Puffington, 'what is the usual practice--the usual
+course--the usual understanding as to the treatment of those sort of
+gentlemen?'
+
+'Oh, the best of everything's good enough for them,' replied Jack, adding,
+'just as it is with me.'
+
+'Ah, I don't mean in the way of eating and drinking, but in the way of
+encouragement--in the way of a present, you know?' adding--'What did my
+lord do?' seeing Jack was slow at comprehension.
+
+'Oh, my lord bad-worded him well,' replied Jack, adding, 'he didn't get
+much encouragement from him.'
+
+'Ah, that's the worst of my lord,' observed Puffington; 'he's rather
+coarse--rather too indifferent to public opinion. In a case of this sort,
+you know, that doesn't happen every day, or, perhaps, more than once in a
+man's life, it's just as well to be favourably spoken of as not, you know';
+adding, as he looked intently at Jack--'Do you understand me?'
+
+Jack, who was tolerably quick at a chance, now began to see how things
+were, and to fathom Mr. Puffington's mistake. His ready imagination
+immediately saw there might be something made of it, so he prepared to keep
+up the delusion.
+
+'Wh-o-o-y!' said he, straddling out his legs, clasping his hands together,
+and squinting steadily through his spectacles, to try and see, by
+Puffington's countenance, how much he would stand. 'W-h-o-o-y!' repeated
+he, 'I shouldn't think--though, mind, it's mere conjectur' on my part--that
+you couldn't offer him less than--twenty or five-and-twenty punds; or, say,
+from that to thirty,' continued Jack, seeing that Puff's countenance
+remained complacent under the rise.
+
+'And that you think would be sufficient?' asked Puff, adding--'If one does
+the thing at all, you know, it's as well to do it handsomely.'
+
+'True,' replied Jack, sticking out his great thick lips, 'true. I'm a great
+advocate for doing things handsomely. Many a row I have with my lord for
+thanking fellows, and saying he'll _remember_ them instead of giving them
+sixpence or a shilling; but really I should say, if you were to give him
+forty or fifty pund--say a fifty--pund note, he'd be--'
+
+The rest of the sentence was lost by the appearance of Mr. Sponge,
+cantering up the avenue on the conspicuous piebald. Mr. Puffington and Mr.
+Spraggon greeted him as he alighted at the door.
+
+Sponge was quickly followed by Tom Washball; then came Charley Slapp and
+Lumpleg, and Captain Guano came in a gig. Mutual bows and bobs and shakes
+of the hand being exchanged, amid offers of 'anything before dinner' from
+the host, the guests were at length shown to their respective apartments,
+from which in due time they emerged, looking like so many bridegrooms.
+
+First came the worthy master of the hounds himself, in his scarlet
+dress-coat, lined with white satin; Tom Washball, and Charley Slapp also
+sported Puff's uniform; while Captain Guano, who was proud of his leg,
+sported the uniform of the Muffington Hunt--a pea-green coat lined with
+yellow, and a yellow collar, white shorts with gold garters, and black silk
+stockings.
+
+Spraggon had been obliged to put up with Lord Scamperdale's second best
+coat, his lordship having taken the best one himself; but it was passable
+enough by candle light, and the seediness of the blue cloth was relieved by
+a velvet collar and a new set of the Flat Hat Hunt buttons. Mr. Sponge wore
+a plain scarlet with a crimson velvet collar, and a bright fox on the
+frosted ground of a gilt button, with tights as before; and when Mr. Crane
+arrived he was found to be attired in a dress composed partly of Mr.
+Puffington's and partly of the Muggeridge Hunt uniform--the red coat of the
+former surmounting the white shorts and black stockings of the other.
+Altogether, however, they were uncommonly smart, and it is to be hoped that
+they appreciated each other.
+
+The dinner was sumptuous. Puff, of course, was in the chair; and Captain
+Guano coming last into the room, and being very fond of office, was vice.
+When men run to the 'noble science' of gastronomy, they generally outstrip
+the ladies in the art of dinner-giving, for they admit of no makeweight, or
+merely ornamental dishes, but concentrate the cook's energies on sterling
+and approved dishes. Everything men set on is meant to be eaten. Above all,
+men are not too fine to have the plate-warmer in the room, the deficiency
+of hot plates proving fatal to many a fine feast. It was evident that Puff
+prided himself on his table. His linen was the finest and whitest, his
+glass the most elegant and transparent, his plate the brightest, and his
+wines the most costly and _recherché_. Like many people, however, who are
+not much in the habit of dinner-giving, he was anxious and fussy, too
+intent upon making people comfortable to allow of their being so, and too
+anxious to get victuals and drink down their throats to allow of their
+enjoying either.
+
+He not only produced a tremendous assortment of wines--Hock, Sauterne,
+Champagne, Barsack, Burgundy, but descended into endless varieties of
+sherries and Madeiras. These he pressed upon people, always insisting that
+the last sample was the best.
+
+In these hospitable exertions Puffington was ably assisted by Captain
+Guano, who, being fond of wine, came in for a good quantity; first of all
+by asking everyone to take wine with him, and then in return every one
+asking him to do the same with them. The present absurd non-asking system
+was not then in vogue. The great captain, noisy and talkative at all times,
+began to be boisterous almost before the cloth was drawn.
+
+Puffington was equally promiscuous with his after-dinner wines. He had all
+sorts of clarets, and 'curious old ports.' The party did not seem to have
+any objection to spoil their digestions for the next day, and took whatever
+he produced with great alacrity. Lengthened were the candle examinations,
+solemn the sips, and sounding the smacks that preceded the delivery of
+their Campbell-like judgements.
+
+The conversation, which at first was altogether upon wine, gradually
+diverged upon sporting, and they presently brewed up a very considerable
+cry. Foremost among the noisy ones was Captain Guano. He seemed inclined to
+take the shine out of everybody.
+
+'Oh! if they could but find a good fox that would give them a run of ten
+miles--say, ten miles--just ten miles would satisfy him--say, from
+Barnesley Wold to Chingforde Wood, or from Carleburg Clump to Wetherden
+Head. He was going to ride his famous horse Jack-a-Dandy--the finest horse
+that ever was foaled! No day too long for him--no pace too great for
+him--no fence too stiff for him--no brook too broad for him.'
+
+Tom Washball, too, talked as if wearing a red coat was not the only purpose
+for which he hunted; and altogether they seemed to be an amazing, sporting,
+hard-riding set.
+
+When at length they rose to go to bed, it struck each man as he followed
+his neighbour upstairs that the one before him walked very crookedly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+A DAY WITH PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS
+
+
+Day dawned cheerfully. If there was rather more sun than the strict rules
+of Beckford prescribe, still sunshine is not a thing to quarrel with under
+any circumstances--certainly not for a gentleman to quarrel with who wants
+his place seen to advantage on the occasion of a meet of hounds. Everything
+at Hanby House was in apple-pie order. All the stray leaves that the
+capricious wintry winds still kept raising from unknown quarters, and
+whisking about the trim lawns, were hunted and caught, while a heavy roller
+passed over the Kensington gravel, pressing out the hoof and wheelmarks of
+the previous day. The servants were up betimes, preparing the house for
+those that were in it, and a _déjeûner à la fourchette_ for chance
+customers, from without.
+
+They were equally busy at the stable. Although Mr. Bragg did profess such
+indifference for Mr. Sponge's opinion, he nevertheless thought it might
+perhaps be as well to be condescending to the stranger. Accordingly, he
+ordered his whips to be on the alert, to tie their ties and put on their
+boots as they ought to be, and to hoist their caps becomingly on the
+appearance of our friend. Bragg, like a good many huntsmen, had a sort of
+tariff of politeness, that he indicated by the manner in which he saluted
+the field. To a lord, he made a sweep of his cap like the dome of St.
+Paul's; a baronet came in for about half as much; a knight, to a quarter.
+Bragg had also a sort of City or monetary tariff of politeness--a tariff
+that was oftener called in requisition than the 'Debrett' one, in Mr.
+Puffington's country. To a good 'tip' he vouchsafed as much cap as he gave
+to a lord; to a middling 'tip' he gave a sort of move that might either
+pass for a touch of the cap or a more comfortable adjustment of it to his
+head; a very small 'tip' had a forefinger to the peak; while he who gave
+nothing at all got a good stare or a good morning! or something of that
+sort. A man watching the arrival of the field could see who gave the fives,
+who the fours, who the threes, who the twos, who the ones, and who were the
+great 0's.
+
+But to our day with Mr. Puffington's hounds.
+
+Our over-night friends were not quite so brisk in the morning as the
+servants and parties outside. Puffington's 'mixture' told upon a good many
+of them. Washball had a headache, so had Lumpleg; Crane was seedy; and
+Captain Guano, sea-green. Soda-water was in great request.
+
+There was a splendid breakfast, table and sideboard looking as if Fortnum
+and Mason or Morel had opened a branch establishment at Hanby House. Though
+the staying guests could not do much for the good things set out, they were
+not wasted, for the place was fairly taken by storm shortly before the
+advertised hour of meeting; and what at one time looked like a most
+extravagant supply, at another seemed likely to prove a deficiency. Each
+man helped himself to whatever he fancied, without waiting for the ceremony
+of an invitation, in the usual style of fox-hunting hospitality.
+
+A few minutes before eleven, a 'gently, Rantaway,' accompanied by a slight
+crack of a whip, drew the seedy and satisfied parties to the oriel window,
+to see Mr. Bragg pass along with his hounds. They were just gliding
+noiselessly over the green sward, Mr. Bragg rising in his stirrups, as
+spruce as a game-cock, with his thoroughbred bay gambolling and pawing with
+delight at the frolic of the hounds, some clustering around him, others
+shooting forward a little, as if to show how obediently they would return
+at his whistle. Mr. Bragg was known as the whistling huntsman, and was a
+great man for telegraphing and signalizing with his arms, boasting that he
+could make hounds so handy that they could do everything, except pay the
+turnpike-gates. At his appearance the men all began to shuffle to the
+passage and entrance-hall, to look for their hats and whips; and presently
+there was a great outpouring of red coats upon the lawn, all straddling and
+waddling of course. Then Mr. Bragg, seeing an audience, with a slight
+whistle and wave of his right arm, wheeled his forces round, and trotted
+gaily towards where our guests had grouped themselves, within the light
+iron railing that separated the smooth slope from the field. As he reined
+in his horse, he gave his cap an aerial sweep, taking off perpendicularly,
+and finishing at his horse's ears--an example that was immediately followed
+by the whips, and also by Mr. Bragg's second horseman, Tom Stot.
+
+'Good morning, Mister Bragg! Good morning, Mister Bragg!--Good morning,
+Mister Bragg!' burst from the assembled spectators: for Mr. Bragg was one
+of those people that one occasionally meets whom everybody 'Misters.'
+Mister Bragg, rising in his stirrups with a gracious smile, passed a very
+polite bow along the line.
+
+'Here's a fine morning, Mr. Bragg,' observed Tom Washball, who thought it
+knowing to talk to servants.
+
+'Y_as_, sir,' replied Bragg, 'y_as_,' with a slight inclination to cap;
+'_r-a-y_-ther more s_a_n, p'raps, than desirable,' continued he, raising
+his face towards the heavens; 'but still by no means a bad day, sir--no,
+sir--by no means a bad day, sir.'
+
+'Hounds looking well,' observed Charley Slapp between the whiffs of a
+cigar.
+
+'Y_as_, sir,' said Bragg, 'y_as_,' looking around them with a
+self-satisfied smile; adding, 'so they ought, sir--so they ought; if _I_
+can't bring a pack out as they should be, don't know who can.'
+
+'Why, here's our old Rummager, I declare!' exclaimed Spraggon, who, having
+vaulted the iron hurdles, was now among the pack. 'Why, here's our old
+Rummager, I declare!' repeated he, laying his whip on the head of a
+solemn-looking black and white hound, somewhat down in the toes, and
+looking as if he was about done.
+
+'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, leaning over his horse's shoulder, and
+whispering into Jack's ear; 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but _drop_ that, sir, if
+you please, sir.'
+
+'Drop what?' asked Jack, squinting through his great tortoiseshell-rimmed
+spectacles up into Bragg's face.
+
+''Bout knowing of that 'ound, sir,' whispered Bragg; 'the fact is, sir--we
+call him Merryman, sir; master don't know I got him from you, sir.'
+
+'O-o-o,' replied Jack, squinting, if possible, more frightfully than
+before.
+
+'Ah, that's the hound I offered to Scamperdale,' observed Puffington,
+seeing the movement, and coming up to where Jack stood; 'that's the hound I
+offered to Scamperdale,' repeated he, taking the old dog's head between his
+hands. 'There's no better hound in the world than this,' continued he,
+patting and smoothing him; 'and no better _bred_ hound either,' added he,
+rubbing the dog's sides with his whip.
+
+'How is he bred?' asked Jack, who knew the hound's pedigree better than he
+did his own.
+
+'Why, I got him from Reynard--no, I mean from Downeybird--the Duke, you
+know; but he was bred by Fitzwilliam--by his Singwell out of Darling.
+Singwell was by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock Rhapsody; but to
+make a long story short, he's lineally descended from the Beaufort
+Justice.'
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack hardly able to contain himself; 'that's undeniable
+blood.'
+
+'Well, I'm glad to hear you say so,' replied Puffington. 'I'm glad to hear
+you say so, for you understand these things--no man better; and I confess
+I've a warm side to that Beaufort Justice blood.'
+
+'Don't wonder at it,' replied Jack, laughing his waistcoat strings off.
+
+'The great Mr. Warde,' continued Mr. Puffington, 'who was justly partial to
+his own sort, had never any objection to breeding from the Beaufort
+Justice.'
+
+'No, nor nobody else that knew what he was about,' replied Jack, turning
+away to conceal his laughter.
+
+'We should be moving, I think, sir,' observed Bragg, anxious to put an end
+to the conversation; 'we should be moving, I think, sir,' repeated he,
+with a rap of his forefinger against his cap peak. 'It's past eleven,'
+added he, looking at his gold watch, and shutting it against his cheek.
+
+'What do you draw first?' asked Jack.
+
+'Draw--draw--draw,' replied Puffington. 'Oh, we'll draw Rabbitborough
+Gorse--that's a new cover I've inclosed on my pro-o-r-perty.'
+
+'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smile, and another rap of the
+cap: 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but I'm going to Hollyburn Hanger first.'
+
+'Ah, well, Hollyburn Hanger,' replied Puffington, complacently; 'either
+will do very well.'
+
+If Puff had proposed Hollyburn Hanger, Bragg would have said Rabbitborough
+Gorse.
+
+The move of the hounds caused a rush of gentlemen to their horses, and
+there was the usual scramblings up, and fidgetings, and funkings, and
+who-o-hayings and drawing of girths, and taking up of curbs, and
+lengthening and shortening of stirrups.
+
+Captain Guano couldn't get his stirrups to his liking anyhow. ''Ord hang
+these leathers,' roared he, clutching up a stirrup-iron; 'who the devil
+would ever have sent one out a-huntin' with a pair of new
+stirrup-leathers?'
+
+'Hang you and the stirrup leathers,' growled the groom, as his master rode
+away; 'you're always wantin' sumfin to find fault with. I'm blowed if it
+arn't a disgrace to an oss to carry such a man,' added he, eyeing the
+chestnut fidgeting and wincing as the captain worked away at the stirrups.
+
+Mr. Bragg trotted briskly on with the hounds, preceded by Joe Banks the
+first whip, and having Jack Swipes the second, and Tom Stot, riding
+together behind him, to keep off the crowd.
+
+Thus the cavalcade swept down the avenue, crossed the Swillingford
+turnpike, and took through a well-kept field road, which speedily brought
+them to the cover--rough, broomy, brushwood-covered banks, of about three
+acres in extent, lying on either side of the little Hollyburn Brook, one of
+the tiny streams that in angry times helped to swell the Swill into a
+river.
+
+'Dim all these foot people!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, in well-feigned disgust,
+as he came in view, and found all the Swillingford snobs, all the tinkers
+and tailors, and cobblers and poachers, and sheep-stealers, all the
+scowling, rotten-fustianed, baggy-pocketed scamps of the country ranged
+round the cover, some with dogs, some with guns, some with snares, and all
+with sticks or staffs. 'Well, I'm dimmed if ever I seed sich a--' The rest
+of the speech being lost amidst the exclamations of: 'Ah! the hunds! the
+hunds! hoop! tally-o the hunds!' and a general rush of the ruffians to meet
+them.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN GUANO CAN'T GET HIS STIRRUPS THE RIGHT LENGTH]
+
+Captain Guano, who had now come up, joined in the denunciation, inwardly
+congratulating himself on the probability that the first cover, at least,
+would be drawn blank. Tom Washball, who was riding a very troublesome
+tail-foremost grey, also censured the proceeding.
+
+And Mr. Puffington, still an 'am_aa_izin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+exclaimed, as he rode among them, 'Ah! my good fellows, I'd rather you'd
+come up and had some ale than disturbed the cover'; a hint that the wily
+ones immediately took, rushing up to the house, and availing themselves of
+the absence of the butler, who had followed the hounds, to take a couple of
+dozen of his best fiddle-handled forks while the footman was drawing them
+the ale.
+
+The whips being duly signalled by Bragg to their points--Brick to the north
+corner, Swipes to the south--and the field being at length drawn up to his
+liking, Mr. Bragg looked at Mr. Puffington for his signal (the only piece
+of interference he allowed him); at a nod Mr. Bragg gave a wave of his cap,
+and the pack dashed into cover with a cry.
+
+'Yo-o-icks--wind him! Yo-o-icks--pash him up!' cheered Bragg, standing
+erect in his stirrups, eyeing the hounds spreading and sniffing about, now
+this way, now that--now pushing through a thicket, now threading and
+smelling along a meuse. 'Yo-o-icks--wind him! Yo-o-icks--pash him up!'
+repeated he, cracking his whip, and moving slowly on. He then varied the
+entertainment by whistling, in a sharp, shrill key, something like the
+chirp of a sparrow-hawk.
+
+Thus the hounds rummaged and scrimmaged for some minutes.
+
+'No fox here,' observed Captain Guano, bringing his horse alongside of Mr.
+Bragg's.
+
+'Not so sure o' _that_,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a sneer, for he had a
+great contempt for the captain. 'Not so sure o' that,' replied he, eyeing
+Thunderer and Galloper feathering up the brook.
+
+'Hang these stirrups!' exclaimed the captain, again attempting to adjust
+them; adding, 'I declare I have no seat whatever in this saddle.'
+
+'Nor in any other,' muttered Bragg. 'Yo-icks, Galloper! Yo-icks, Thunderer!
+Ge-e-ntly, Warrior!' continued he, cracking his whip, as Warrior pounced at
+a bunny.
+
+The hounds were evidently on a scent, hardly strong enough to own, but
+sufficiently indicated by their feathering, and the rush of their comrades
+to the spot.
+
+'A fox for a thousand!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, eyeing them, and looking at
+his watch.
+
+'Oh, d--mn me! I've got one stirrup longer than another now!' roared
+Captain Guano, trying the fresh adjustment. 'I've got one stirrup longer
+than another!' added he in a terrible pucker.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A low snatch of a whimper now proceeded from Galloper, and Bragg cheered
+him to the echo. In another second a great banging brown fox burst from
+among the broom, and dashed down the little dean. What noises, what
+exclamations rent the air! 'Talli-ho! talliho! talliho!' screamed a host of
+voices, in every variety of intonation, from the half-frantic yell of a
+party seeing him, down to the shout of a mere partaker of the epidemic.
+Shouting is very contagious. The horsemen gathered up their reins, pressed
+down their hats, and threw away their cigar-ends.
+
+''Ord hang it!' roared Captain Guano, still fumbling at the leathers, 'I
+shall never be able to ride with stirrups in this state.'
+
+'Hang your stirrups!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, shooting past him; adding,
+'It was your _saddle_ last time.'
+
+Bragg's queer tootle of his horn, for he was full of strange blows, now
+sounded at the low end of the cover; and, having a pet line of gaps and
+other conveniences that he knew how to turn to on the minute, he soon shot
+so far ahead as to give him the appearance (to the slow 'uns) of having
+flown. Brick and Swipes quickly had all the hounds after him, and Stot,
+dropping his elbows, made for the road, to ride the second horse gently on
+the line. The field, as usual, divided into two parts, the soft riders and
+the hard ones--the soft riders going by the fields, the hard riders by the
+road. Messrs. Spraggon, Sponge, Slapp, Quilter, Rasper, Crasher, Smasher,
+and some half-dozen more, bustled after Bragg; while the worthy master Mr.
+Puffington, Lumpleg, Washball, Crane, Guano, Shirker, and very many others,
+came pounding along the lane. There was a good scent, and the hounds shot
+across the Fleecyhaughwater Meadows, over the hill, to the village of
+Berrington Roothings, where, the fox having been chased by a cur, the
+hounds were brought to a check on some very bad scenting-ground, on the
+common, a little to the left of the village, at the end of a quarter of an
+hour or so. The road having been handy, the hard riders were there almost
+as soon as the soft ones; and there being no impediments on the common,
+they all pushed boldly on among the now stooping hounds.
+
+'Hold hard, gentlemen!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, rising in his stirrups and
+telegraphing with his right arm. 'Hold hard!--pray do!' added he, with
+little better success. 'Dim it, gen'lemen, hold hard!' added he, as they
+still pressed upon the pack. 'Have a little regard for a huntsman's
+raputation,' continued he. 'Remember that it rises and falls with the sport
+he shows'--exhortations that seemed to be pretty well lost upon the field,
+who began comparing notes as to their respective achievements, enlarging
+the leaps and magnifying the distance into double what they had been.
+Puffington and some of the fat ones sat gasping and mopping their brows.
+
+Seeing there was not much chance of the hounds hitting off the scent by
+themselves, Mr. Bragg began telegraphing with his arm to the whippers-in,
+much in the manner of the captain of a Thames steamer to the lad at the
+engine, and forthwith they drove the pack on for our swell huntsman to make
+his cast. As good luck would have it, Bragg crossed the line of the fox
+before he had got half-through his circle, and away the hounds dashed, at a
+pace and with a cry that looked very like killing. Mr. Bragg was in
+ecstasies, and rode in a manner very contrary to his wont. All again was
+life, energy, and action; and even some who hoped there was an end of the
+thing, and that they might go home and say, as usual, 'that they had had a
+very good run, but not killed,' were induced to proceed.
+
+Away they all went as before.
+
+At the end of eighteen minutes more the hounds ran into their fox in the
+little green valley below Mountnessing Wood, and Mr. Bragg had him
+stretched on the green with the pack baying about him, and the horses of
+the field-riders getting led about by the country people, while the riders
+stood glorying in the splendour of the thing. All had a direct interest in
+making it out as good as possible, and Mr. Bragg was quite ready to
+appropriate as much praise as ever they liked to give.
+
+''Ord dim him,' said he, turning up the fox's grim head with his foot, 'but
+Mr. Bragg's an awkward customer for gen'lemen of your description.'
+
+'You hunted him well!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, who was trumpeter general
+of the establishment.
+
+'Oh, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smirk and a condescending bow, 'if Richard
+Bragg can't kill foxes, I don't know who can.'
+
+Just then 'Puffington and Co.' hove in sight up the valley, their faces
+beaming with delight as the tableau before them told the tale. They
+hastened to the spot.
+
+'How many brace is that?' asked Puffington, with the most matter-of-course
+air, as he trotted up, and reined in his horse outside the circle.
+
+'Seventeen brace, your grace, I mean to say my lord, that's to say _sur_,'
+replied Bragg, with a strong emphasis on the _sur_, as if to say, 'I'm not
+used to you snobs of commoners.'
+
+'Seventeen brace!' sneered Jack Spraggon to Sponge, adding, in a whisper,
+'More like _seven_ foxes.'
+
+'And how many run to ground?' asked Puffington, alighting.
+
+'Four brace,' replied Bragg, stooping to cut off the brush.
+
+We were wrong in saying that Bragg only allowed Puff the privilege of
+nodding his head to say when he might throw off. He let him lead the 'lie
+gallop' in the kill department.
+
+Mr. Puffington then presented Mr. Sponge with the brush, and the usual
+solemnities being observed, the sherry flasks were produced and drained,
+the biscuits munched, and, amidst the smoke of cigars, the ring broke up in
+great good-will.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+Writing A Run
+
+
+[Illustration: letter T]
+
+The first fumes of excitement over, after a run with a kill, the field
+begin to take things more coolly and veraciously, and ere long some of them
+begin to pick holes in the affair. The men of the hunt run it up, while
+those of the next hunt run it down. Added to this there are generally some
+cavilling, captious fellows in every field who extol a run to the master's
+face, and abuse it behind his back. So it was on the present occasion. The
+men of the hunt--Charley Slapp, Lumpleg, Guano, Crane, Washball, and
+others--lauded and magnified it into something magnificent; while Fossick,
+Fyle, Wake, Blossomnose, and others of the 'Flat Hat Hunt,' pronounced it a
+niceish thing--a pretty burst; and Mr. Vosper, who had hunted for
+five-and-twenty seasons without ever subscribing one farthing to hounds,
+always declaring that each season was 'his last,' or that he was going to
+confine himself entirely to some other pack, said it was nothing to make a
+row about, that he had seen fifty better things with the Tinglebury
+harriers, and never a word said.
+
+'Well,' said Sponge to Spraggon, between the whiffs of a cigar, as they
+rode together; 'it wasn't so bad, was it?'
+
+'Bad!--no,' squinted Jack, 'devilish good--for Puff, at least,' adding, 'I
+question he's had a better this season.'
+
+'Well, we are in luck,' observed Tom Washball, riding up and joining them;
+'we are in luck to have a satisfactory thing with you great connoisseurs
+out.'
+
+'A pretty thing enough,' replied Jack, 'pretty thing enough.'
+
+'Oh, I don't mean to say it's equal to many we've had this season,' replied
+Washball; 'nothing like the Boughton Hill day, nor yet the Hembury Forest
+one; but still, considering the meet and the state of the country--'
+
+'Hout! the country's good enough,' growled Jack, who hated Washball;
+adding, 'a good fox makes any country good'; with which observation he
+sidled up to Sponge, leaving Washball in the middle of the road.
+
+'That reminds me,' said Jack, _sotto voce_ to Sponge, 'that the crittur
+wants his run puffed, and he thinks you can do it.'
+
+'Me!' exclaimed Sponge, 'what's put that in his head?'
+
+'Why, you see,' exclaimed Jack, 'the first time you came out with our
+hounds at Dundleton Tower, you'll remember--or rather, the first time we
+saw you, when your horse ran away with you--somebody, Fyle, I think it
+was, said you were a literary cove; and Puff, catchin' at the idea, has
+never been able to get rid of it since: and the fact is, he'd like to be
+flattered--he'd be uncommonly pleased if you were to "soft sawder" him
+handsomely.'
+
+'_Me!_' exclaimed Sponge; 'bless your heart, man, I can't write
+anything--nothing fit to print, at least.'
+
+'Hout, fiddle!' retorted Spraggon, 'you can write as well as any other man;
+see what lots of fellows write, and nobody ever finds fault.'
+
+'But the spellin' bothers one,' replied Sponge, with a shake of his elbow
+and body, as if the idea was quite out of the question.
+
+'Hang the spellin',' muttered Jack, 'one can always borrow a dictionary; or
+let the man of the paper--the editor, as they call him--smooth out the
+spellin'. You say at the end of your letter, that your hands are cold, or
+your hand aches with holdin' a pullin' horse, and you'll thank him to
+correct any inadvertencies--you needn't call them errors, you know.'
+
+'But where's the use of it?' exclaimed Sponge; 'it'll do us no good, you
+know, praisin' Puff's pack, or himself, or anything about him.'
+
+'That's just the point,' said Jack, 'that's just the point. I can make it
+answer both our purposes,' said he, with a nudge of the elbow, and an
+inside-out squint of his eyes.
+
+'Oh, that's another matter,' replied our friend; 'if we can turn the thing
+to account, well and good--I'm your man for a shy.'
+
+'We _can_ turn it to account,' rejoined Jack; 'we _can_ turn it to
+account--at least _I_ can; but then you must do it. He wouldn't take it as
+any compliment from me. It's the stranger that sees all things in their
+true lights. D'ye understand?' asked he eagerly.
+
+'I twig,' replied Sponge.
+
+'You write the account,' continued Jack, 'and I'll manage the rest.'
+
+'You must help me,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Jack; 'we'll do it together, and go halves in the
+plunder.'
+
+'Humph,' mused Sponge: 'halves,' said he to himself. 'And what will you
+give me for my half?' asked he.
+
+'Give you!' exclaimed Jack, brightening up. 'Give you! Let me see,'
+continued he, pretending to consider--'Puff's rich--Puff's a liberal
+fellow--Puff's a conceited beggar--mix it strong,' said Jack, 'and I'll
+give you ten pounds.'
+
+'Make it twelve,' replied Sponge, after a pause.
+
+If Jack had said twelve. Sponge would have asked fourteen.
+
+'Couldn't,' said Jack, with a shake of the head; 'it really isn't with
+(worth) the money.'
+
+The two then rode on in silence for some little distance.
+
+'I'll tell you what I'll do,' said Jack, spurring his horse, and trotting
+up the space that the other had now shot ahead. 'I'll split the difference
+with you!'
+
+'Well, give me the sov.,' said Sponge, holding out his hand for earnest.
+
+'Why, I haven't a sov. upon me,' replied Jack; 'but, honour bright, I'll do
+what I say.'
+
+'Give me eleven golden sovereigns for my chance,' repeated Sponge slowly,
+in order that there might be no mistake.
+
+'Eleven golden sovereigns for your chance,' repeated Jack.
+
+'Done!' replied Sponge.
+
+'Done!' repeated Jack.
+
+'Let's jog on and do it at once while the thing's fresh in our minds,' said
+Jack, working his horse into a trot.
+
+Sponge did the same; and the grass-siding of Orlantire Parkwall favouring
+their design, they increased the trot to a canter. They soon passed the
+park's bounds, and entering upon one of those rarities--an unenclosed
+common, angled its limits so as to escape the side-bar, and turning up
+Farningham Green lane, came out upon the Kingsworth and Swillingford
+turnpike within sight of Hanby House.
+
+'We'd better pull up and walk the horses gently in, p'raps,' observed
+Sponge, reining his in.
+
+'Ah! I was only wantin' to get home before the rest,' observed Jack,
+pulling up too.
+
+They then proceeded more leisurely together.
+
+'We'd better get into one of our bedrooms to do it,' observed Jack, as they
+passed the lodge. 'Just so,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I dare say we shall
+want all the quiet we can get.'
+
+'Oh no!' said Jack; 'the thing's simple enough--met at such a place--found
+at such another--killed at so and so.'
+
+'Well, I hope it will,' said Sponge, riding into the stable-yard, and
+resigning his steed to the care of his groom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jack did the same by Sponge's other horse, which he had been riding, and in
+reply to Leather's inquiry (who stood with his right hand ready, as if to
+shake hands with him), 'how the horse had carried him?' replied:
+
+'Cursed ill,' and stamped away without giving him anything.
+
+'Ah, _you're_ a gen'leman, you are,' muttered Leather, as he led the horse
+away. 'Now, come!' exclaimed Jack to Sponge, 'come! let's get in before
+any of those bothersome fellows come'; adding, as he dived into a passage,
+'I'll show you the back way.'
+
+After passing a scullery, a root-house, and a spacious entrance-hall, upon
+a table in which stood the perpetual beer-jug and bread-basket, a green
+baize door let them into the regions of upper service, and passing the
+dashed carpets of the housekeeper's room and butler's pantry, a red baize
+door let them into the far-side of the front entrance. Having deposited
+their hats and whips, they bounded up the richly carpeted staircase to
+their rooms.
+
+Hanby House, as we have already said, was splendidly furnished. All the
+grandeur did not run to the entertaining rooms; but each particular
+apartment, from the state bedroom down to the smallest bachelor snuggery,
+was replete with elegance and comfort.
+
+Like many houses, however, the bedrooms possessed every imaginable luxury
+except boot-jacks and pens that would write. In Sponge's room for instance,
+there were hip-baths, and foot-baths, a shower-bath, and hot and cold baths
+adjoining, and mirrors innumerable; an eight-day mantel-clock, by Moline of
+Geneva, that struck the hours, half-hours, and quarters: cut-glass toilet
+candlesticks, with silver sconces; an elegant zebra-wood cabinet; also a
+beautiful davenport of zebra-wood, with a plate-glass back, containing a
+pen rug worked on silver ground, an ebony match box, a blue crystal,
+containing a sponge pen-wiper, a beautiful envelope-case, a white-cornelian
+seal, with 'Hanby House' upon it, wax of all colours, papers of all
+textures, envelopes without end--every imaginable requirement of
+correspondence except a pen that would write. There _were_ pens,
+indeed--there almost always are--but they were miserable apologies of
+things; some were mere crow-quills--sort of cover-hacks of pens, while
+others were great, clumsy, heavy-heeled, cart-horse sort of things, clotted
+up to the hocks with ink, or split all the way through--vexatious
+apologies, that throw a person over just at the critical moment, when he
+has got his sheet prepared and his ideas all ready to pour upon paper;
+then splut--splut--splutter goes the pen, and away goes the train of
+thought. Bold is the man who undertakes to write his letters in his bedroom
+with country-house pens. But, to our friends. Jack and Sponge slept next
+door to each other; Sponge, as we have already said, occupying the
+state-room, with its canopy-topped bedstead, carved and panelled sides, and
+elegant chintz curtains lined with pink, and massive silk-and-bullion
+tassels; while Jack occupied the dressing-room, which was the state bedroom
+in miniature, only a good deal more comfortable. The rooms communicated
+with double doors, and our friends very soon effected a passage.
+
+'Have you any 'baccy?' asked Jack, waddling in in his slippers, after
+having sucked off his tops without the aid of a boot-jack.
+
+'There's some in my jacket pocket,' replied Sponge, nodding to where it
+hung in the wardrobe; 'but it won't do to smoke here, will it?' asked he.
+
+'Why not?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Such a fine room,' replied Sponge, looking around.
+
+'Oh, fine be hanged!' replied Jack, adding, as he made for the jacket, 'no
+place too fine for smokin' in.'
+
+Having helped himself to one of the best cigars, and lighted it, Jack
+composed himself cross-legged in an easy, spring, stuffed chair, while
+Sponge fussed about among the writing implements, watering and stirring up
+the clotted ink, and denouncing each pen in succession, as he gave it the
+initiatory trial in writing the word 'Sponge.'
+
+'Curse the pens!' exclaimed he, throwing the last bright crisp yellow thing
+from him in disgust. 'There's not one among 'em that can go!--all reg'larly
+stumped up.'
+
+'Haven't you a penknife?' asked Jack, taking the cigar out of his mouth.
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Take a razor, then,' said Jack, who was good at an expedient.
+
+'I'll take one of yours,' said Sponge, going into the dressing-room for
+one. 'Hang it, but you're rather too sharp,' exclaimed Jack, with a shake
+of his head.
+
+'It's more than your razor 'll be when I'm done with it,' replied Sponge.
+
+Having at length, with the aid of Jack's razor, succeeded in getting a pen
+that would write, Mr. Sponge selected a sheet of best cream-laid satin
+paper, and, taking a cane-bottomed chair, placed himself at the table in an
+attitude for writing. Dipping the fine yellow pen in the ink, he looked in
+Jack's face for an idea. Jack, who had now got well advanced in the cigar,
+sat squinting through his spectacles at our scribe, though apparently
+looking at the top of the bed.
+
+'Well?' said Sponge, with a look of inquiry.
+
+'Well,' replied Jack, in a tone of indifference.
+
+'How shall I begin?' asked Sponge, twirling the pen between his fingers,
+and spluttering the ink over the paper.
+
+'Begin!' replied Jack, 'begin, oh, begin, just as you usually begin.'
+
+'As a letter?' asked Sponge.
+
+'I 'spose so,' replied Jack; 'how would you think?'
+
+'Oh, I don't know,' replied Sponge. 'Will _you_ try your hand?' added he,
+holding out the pen.
+
+'Why, I'm busy just now, you see,' said he, pointing to his cigar, 'and
+that horse of yours' (Jack had ridden the redoubtable chestnut,
+Multum in Parvo, who had gone very well in the company of Hercules) pulled
+so confoundedly that I've almost lost the use of my fingers,' continued he,
+working away as if he had got the cramp in both hands; 'but I'll prompt
+you,' added he, 'I'll prompt you.'
+
+'Why don't you begin then?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Begin!' exclaimed Jack, taking the cigar from his lips; 'begin!' repeated
+he, 'oh, I'll begin directly--didn't know you were ready.'
+
+Jack then threw himself back in his chair, and sticking out his little
+bandy legs, turned the whites of his eyes up to the ceiling, as if lost in
+meditation.
+
+'Begin,' said he, after a pause, 'begin, "This splendid pack had a stunning
+run."'
+
+'But we must put _what_ pack first,' observed Sponge, writing the words
+'Mr. Puffington's hounds' at the top of the paper. 'Well,' said he, writing
+on, 'this stunning pack had a splendid run.'
+
+'No, not stunning _pack_,' growled Jack, '_splendid_ pack--"this splendid
+pack had a stunning run."'
+
+'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, writing it down; 'well,' said he looking up,
+'I've got it.'
+
+'This stunning pack had a splendid run,' repeated Jack, squinting away at
+the ceiling.
+
+'I thought you said _splendid_ pack,' observed Sponge.
+
+'So I did,' replied Jack.
+
+'You said stunning just now,' rejoined he.
+
+'Ah, that was a slip of the tongue,' said Jack. 'This splendid pack had a
+stunning run,' repeated Jack, appealing again to his cigar for inspiration;
+'well, then,' said he, after a pause, 'you just go on as usual, you know,'
+continued he, with a flourish of his great red hand.
+
+'As usual!' exclaimed Sponge, 'you don't s'pose one's pen goes of itself.'
+
+'Why, no,' replied Jack, knocking the ashes off his cigar on to the
+arabesque-patterned tapestry carpet--'why, no, not exactly; but these
+things, you know, are a good deal matter of course; just describe what you
+saw, you know, and butter Puff well, that's the main point.'
+
+'But you forget,' replied Sponge, 'I don't know the country, I don't know
+the people, I don't know anything at all about the run--I never once looked
+at the hounds.'
+
+'That's nothin',' replied Jack, 'there'd be plenty like you in that
+respect. However,' continued he, gathering himself up in his chair as if
+for an effort, 'you can say--let me see what you can say--you can say,
+"this splendid pack had a stunning run from Hollyburn Hanger, the property
+of its truly popular master, Mr. Puffington," or--stop,' said Jack,
+checking himself, 'say, "the property of its truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington." The cover's just as much mine as it's his,'
+observed Jack; 'it belongs to old Sir Timothy Tensthemain, who's vegetating
+at Boulogne-sur-Mer, but Puff says he'll buy it when it comes to the
+hammer, so we'll flatter him by considering it his already, just as we
+flatter him by calling him a sportsman--_sportsman_!' added Jack, with a
+sneer, 'he's just as much taste for the thing as a cow.'
+
+'Well,' said Sponge, looking up, 'I've got "truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington,"' adding, 'hadn't we better say something about the
+meet and the grand spread here before we begin with the run?'
+
+'True,' replied Jack, after a long-drawn whiff and another adjustment of
+the end of his cigar; 'say that "a splendid field of well-appointed
+sportsmen"--'
+
+'A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen,' wrote Sponge.
+
+'"Among whom we recognized several distinguished strangers and members of
+Lord Scamperdale's hunt." That means you and I,' observed Jack.
+
+'"Of Lord Scamperdale's hunt--that means you and I"'--read Sponge, as he
+wrote it.
+
+'But you're not to put in that; you're not to write "that means you and I,"
+my man,' observed Jack.
+
+'Oh, I thought that was part of the sentence,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No, no,' said Jack; 'I meant to say that you and I were the distinguished
+strangers and members of Lord Scamperdale's hunt; but that's between
+ourselves, you know.'
+
+'Good,' said Sponge; 'then I'll strike that out,' running his pen through
+the words 'that means you and I.' 'Now get on,' said he, appealing to Jack,
+adding, 'we've a deal to do yet.'
+
+'Say,' said Jack, '"after partaking of the well-known profuse and splendid
+hospitality of Hanby House, they proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger,
+where a fine seasoned fox--though some said he was a bag one--"'
+
+'Did they?' exclaimed Sponge, adding, 'well, I thought he went away rather
+queerly.'
+
+'Oh, it was only old Bung the brewer, who runs down every run he doesn't
+ride.'
+
+'Well, never mind,' replied Sponge, 'we'll make the best of it, whatever it
+was'; writing away as he spoke, and repeating the words 'bag one' as he
+penned them.
+
+'"Broke away,"' continued Jack:
+
+'"In view of the whole field,"' added Sponge. 'Just so,' assented Jack.
+
+'"Every hound scoring to cry, and making the "--the--the--what d'ye call
+the thing?' asked Jack.
+
+'Country,' suggested Sponge.
+
+'No,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Hill and dale?' tried Sponge again.
+
+'Welkin!' exclaimed Jack, hitting it off himself--'"makin' the welkin ring
+with their melody!" makin' the welkin ring with their melody,' repeated he,
+with exultation.
+
+'Capital!' observed Sponge, as he wrote it.
+
+'Equal to Littlelegs,'[2] said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.
+
+'We'll make a grand thing of it,' observed Sponge.
+
+'So we will,' replied Jack, adding, 'if we had but a book of po'try we'd
+weave in some lines here. You haven't a book o' no sort with you that we
+could prig a little po'try from?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge thoughtfully. 'I'm afraid not; indeed, I'm sure not.
+I've got nothin' but _Mogg's Cab Fares_.'
+
+'Ah, that won't do,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head. 'But stay,'
+said he, 'there are some books over yonder,' pointing to the top of an
+Indian cabinet, and squinting in a totally different direction. 'Let's see
+what they are,' added he, rising, and stumping away to where they stood. _I
+Promessi Sposi_, read he off the back of one. 'What can that mean! Ah, it's
+Latin,' said he, opening the volume. _Contes à ma Fille_, read he off the
+back of another. 'That sounds like racin',' observed he, opening the
+volume, 'it's Latin too,' said he, returning it. 'However, never mind,
+we'll "sugar Puff's milk," as Mr. Bragg would say, without po'try.' So
+saying, Mr. Spraggon stumped back to his easy-chair. 'Well, now,' said he,
+seating himself comfortably in it, 'let's see where did we go first? "He
+broke at the lower end of the cover, and, crossing the brook, made straight
+for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which, you may say, "there's always a
+ravishing scent."' 'Have you got that?' asked Jack, after what he thought
+a sufficient lapse of time for writing it.
+
+'"Ravishing scent,"' repeated Sponge as he wrote the words.
+
+'Very good,' said Jack, smoking and considering. '"From there,"' continued
+he, '"he made a bit of a bend, as if inclining for the plantations at
+Winstead, but, changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing
+over nearly the highest part of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+little village of Berrington Roothings below."'
+
+'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I haven't got half that; I've only got to "the
+plantations at Winstead."' Sponge made play with his pen, and presently
+held it up in token of being done.
+
+'Well,' pondered Jack, 'there was a check there. Say,' continued he,
+addressing himself to Sponge, '"Here the hounds came to a check."'
+
+'Here the hounds came to a check,' wrote Sponge. 'Shall we say anything
+about distance?' asked he.
+
+'P'raps we may as well,' replied Jack. 'We shall have to stretch it though
+a bit.'
+
+'Let's see,' continued he; 'from the cover to Berrington Roothings over by
+Shillington Hill and Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows will be--say, two miles and
+a half or three miles at the most--call it four, well, four miles--say four
+miles in twelve minutes, twenty miles an hour,--too quick--four miles in
+fifteen minutes, sixteen miles an hour; no--I think p'raps it'll be safer
+to lump the distance at the end, and put in a place or two that nobody
+knows the name of, for the convenience of those who were not out.'
+
+'But those who _were_ out will blab, won't they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Only to each other,' replied Jack. 'They'll all stand up for the truth of
+it as against strangers. You need never be afraid of over-eggin' the
+puddin' for those that were out.'
+
+'Well, then,' observed Sponge, looking at his paper to report progress,
+'we've got the hounds to a check. "Here the hounds came to a check,"' read
+he. 'Ah! now, then,' said Jack, in a tone of disgust, 'we must say summut
+handsome of Bragg; and of all conceited animals under the sun, he certainly
+is the most conceited. I never saw such a man! How that unfortunate,
+infatuated master of his keeps him, I can't for the life of me imagine.
+_Master_! faith, Bragg's the _master_,' continued Jack, who now began to
+foam at the mouth. 'He laughs at old Puff to his face; yet it's wonderful
+the influence Bragg has over him. I really believe he has talked Puff into
+believing that there's not such another huntsman under the sun, and really
+he's as great a muff as ever walked. He can just dress the character, and
+that's all.' So saying Jack wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his red coat
+preparatory to displaying Mr. Bragg upon paper.
+
+'Well, now we are at fault,' said Jack, motioning Sponge to resume; 'we are
+at fault; now say, "but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past mark of
+mouth--" He _is_ a good horse, at least _was_,' observed Jack, adding, 'I
+sold Puff him, he was one of old Sugarlip's,' meaning Lord Scamperdale's.
+
+'Sure to be a good 'un, then,' replied Sponge, with a wink, adding, 'I
+wonder if he'd like to buy any more?'
+
+'We'll talk about that after,' replied Jack, 'at present let us get on with
+our run.'
+
+'Well,' said Sponge, 'I've got it: "Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on
+his favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past
+mark of mouth--"'
+
+'"Was well up with his hounds,"' continued Jack, '"and with a gently,
+Rantipole! and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to make one of those
+scientific casts for which this eminent huntsman is so justly celebrated."
+Justly _celebrated_!' repeated Jack, spitting on the carpet with a hawk of
+disgust; 'the conceited self-sufficient bantam-cock never made a cast worth
+a copper, or rode a yard but when he thought somebody was looking at him.'
+
+'I've got it,' said Sponge, who had plied his pen to good purpose.
+
+'Justly celebrated,' repeated Jack, with a snort. 'Well, then, say,
+"Hitting off the scent like a workman"--big H, you know, for a fresh
+sentence--"they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch farm
+buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn, he crossed
+Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right, and passing straight
+on by the gibbet at Harpen." Those are all bits of places, observed Jack,
+'that none but the country folks know; indeed, I shouldn't have known them
+but for shootin' over them when old Bloss lived at the Green. Well, now,
+have you got all that?' asked he.
+
+'"Gibbet at Harpen,"' read Sponge, as he wrote it.
+
+'"Here, then, the gallant pack, breaking from scent to view,"' continued
+Jack, speaking slowly, '"ran into their fox in the open close upon
+Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from the first, and into which a few
+more strides would have carried him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen,
+and the hunting of the hounds was the admiration of all who saw it. The
+distance couldn't have been less than"--than--what shall we say?' asked
+Jack.
+
+'Ten, twelve miles, as the crow flies,' suggested Sponge.
+
+'No,' said Jack,' that would be too much. Say ten'; adding, 'that will be
+four miles more than it was.'
+
+'Never mind,' said Sponge, as he wrote it; 'folks like good measure with
+runs as well as ribbons.'
+
+'Now we must butter old Puff,' observed Spraggon.
+
+'What can we say for him?' asked Sponge; 'that he never went off the road?'
+
+'No, by Jove!' said Jack; 'you'll spoil all if you do that: better leave it
+alone altogether than do that. Say, "the justly popular owner of this most
+celebrated pack, though riding good fourteen stone" (he rides far more,'
+observed Jack; 'at least sixteen; but it'll please him to make out that he
+_can_ ride fourteen), "led the welters, on his famous chestnut horse,
+Tappey Lappey."'
+
+'What shall we say about the rest?' asked Sponge; 'Lumpleg, Slapp, Guano,
+and all those?'
+
+[Illustration: JACK AND MR. SPONGE WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SWILLINGFORD
+PAPER]
+
+'Oh, say nothin',' replied Jack; 'we've nothin' to do with nobody but Puff,
+and we couldn't mention them without bringin' in our Flat Hat men
+too--Blossomnose, Fyle, Fossick, and so on. Besides, it would spoil all to
+say that Guano was up--people would say directly it couldn't have been much
+of a run if Guano was there. You might finish off,' observed Jack, after a
+pause, 'by saying that "after this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+like a thorough sportsman, and one who never trashes his hounds
+unnecessarily--unlike some masters," you may say, "who never know when to
+leave off" (that will be a hit at Old Scamp,' observed Jack, with a
+frightful squint), '"returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party
+of sportsmen--" or, say, "a distinguished party of noblemen and
+gentlemen"--that'll please the ass more--"a large party of noblemen and
+gentlemen were partaking of his"--his--what shall we call it?'
+
+'Grub!' said Sponge.
+
+'No, no--summut genteel--his--his--his--"splendid hospitality!"' concluded
+Jack, waving his arm triumphantly over his head.
+
+'Hard work, authorship!' exclaimed Sponge, as he finished writing, and
+threw down the pen.
+
+'Oh, I don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'I could go on for an hour.'
+
+'Ah, _you_!--that's all very well,' replied Sponge, 'for you, squatting
+comfortably in your arm-chair: but consider me, toiling with my pen,
+bothered with the writing, and craning at the spelling.'
+
+'Never mind, we've done it,' replied Jack, adding, 'Puff'll be as pleased
+as Punch. We've polished him off uncommon. That's just the sort of account
+to tickle the beggar. He'll go riding about the country, showing it to
+everybody, and wondering who wrote it.'
+
+'And what shall we send it to?--the _Sporting Magazine_, or what?' asked
+Sponge.
+
+'_Sporting Magazine!_--no,' replied Jack; 'wouldn't be out till next
+year--quick's the word in these railway times. Send it to a
+newspaper--_Bell's Life_, or one of the Swillingford papers. Either of them
+would be glad to put it in.'
+
+'I hope they'll be able to read it,' observed Sponge, looking at the
+blotched and scrawled manuscript.
+
+'Trust them for that,' replied Jack, adding, 'If there's any word that
+bothers them, they've nothing to do but look in the dictionary--these folks
+all have dictionaries, wonderful fellows for spellin'.'
+
+Just then a little buttony page, in green and gold, came in to ask if there
+were any letters for the post; and our friends hastily made up their
+packet, directing it to the editor of the Swillingford 'GUIDE TO GLORY
+AND FREEMAN'S FRIEND'; words that in the hurried style of Mr. Sponge's
+penmanship looked very like 'GUIDE TO GROG, AND FREEMAN'S
+FRIEND.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+A LITERARY BLOOMER
+
+
+Time was when the independent borough of Swillingford supported two
+newspapers, or rather two editors, the editor of the _Swillingford
+Patriot_, and the editor of the _Swillingford Guide to Glory_; but those
+were stirring days, when politics ran high and votes and corn commanded
+good prices. The papers were never very prosperous concerns, as may be
+supposed when we say that the circulation of the former at its best time
+was barely seven hundred, while that of the latter never exceeded a
+thousand.
+
+They were both started at the reform times, when the reduction of the
+stamp-duty brought so many aspiring candidates for literary fame into the
+field, and for a time they were conducted with all the bitter hostility
+that a contracted neighbourhood, and a constant crossing by the editors of
+each other's path, could engender. The competition, too, for
+advertisements, was keen, and the editors were continually taunting each
+other with taking them for the duty alone. Æneas M'Quirter was the editor
+of the _Patriot_, and Felix Grimes that of the _Guide to Glory_.
+
+M'Quirter, we need hardly say, was a Scotsman--a big, broad-shouldered
+Sawney--formidable in 'slacks,' as he called his trousers, and terrific in
+kilts; while Grimes was a native of Swillingford, an ex-schoolmaster and
+parish clerk, and now an auctioneer, a hatter, a dyer and bleacher, a
+paper-hanger, to which the wits said when he set up his paper, he added the
+trade of 'stainer.'
+
+At first the rival editors carried on a 'war to the knife' sort of contest
+with one another, each denouncing his adversary in terms of the most
+unmeasured severity. In this they were warmly supported by a select knot of
+admirers, to whom they read their weekly effusions at their respective
+'houses of call' the evening before publication. Gradually the fire of
+bitterness began to pale, and the excitement of friends to die out;
+M'Quirter presently put forth a signal of distress. To accommodate 'a
+large and influential number of its subscribers and patrons,' he determined
+to publish on a Tuesday instead of on a Saturday as heretofore, whereupon
+Mr. Grimes, who had never been able to fill a single sheet properly, now
+doubled his paper, lowered his charge for advertisements, and hinted at his
+intention of publishing an occasional supplement.
+
+However exciting it may be for a time, parties soon tire of carrying on a
+losing game for the mere sake of abusing each other, and Æneas M'Quirter
+not being behind the generality of his countrymen in 'canniness' and
+shrewdness of intellect, came to the conclusion that it was no use doing so
+in this case, especially as the few remaining friends who still applauded
+would be very sorry to subscribe anything towards his losses. He therefore
+very quietly negotiated the sale of his paper to the rival editor, and
+having concluded a satisfactory bargain, he placed the bulk of his property
+in the poke of his plaid, and walked out of Swillingford just as if bent on
+taking the air, leaving Mr. Grimes in undisputed possession of both papers,
+who forthwith commenced leading both Whig and Tory mind, the one on the
+Tuesday, the other on the Saturday.
+
+The pot and pipe companions of course saw how things were, but the majority
+of the readers living in the country just continued to pin their faith to
+the printed declarations of their oracles, while Grimes kept up the
+delusion of sincerity by every now and then fulminating a tremendous
+denunciation against his trimming, vacillating, inconsistent opponent on
+the Tuesday, and then retaliating with equal vigour upon himself on the
+Saturday. He wrote his own 'leaders,' both Whig and Tory, the arguments of
+one side pointing out answers for the other. Sometimes he led the way for a
+triumphant refutal, while the general tone of the articles was quite of the
+'upset a ministry' style. Indeed, Grimes strutted and swaggered as if the
+fate of the nation rested with him.
+
+The papers themselves were not very flourishing-looking concerns, the
+wide-spread paragraphs, the staring type, the catching advertisements,
+forming a curious contrast to the close packing of _The Times_. The 'Gutta
+Percha Company,' 'Locock's Female Pills,' 'Keating's Cough Lozenges,' and
+the 'Triumphs of Medicine,' all with staring woodcuts and royal arms,
+occupied conspicuous places in every paper. A new advertisement was a
+novelty. However, the two papers answered a great deal better than either
+did singly, and any lack of matter was easily supplied from the magazines
+and new books. In this department, indeed, in the department of elegant
+light literature generally, Mr. Grimes was ably assisted by his eldest
+daughter, Lucy, a young lady of a certain age--say liberal thirty--an
+ardent Bloomer--with a considerable taste for sentimental poetry, with
+which she generally filled the poet's corner. This assistance enabled
+Grimes to look after his auctioneering, bleaching, and paper-hanging
+concerns, and it so happened that when the foregoing run arrived at the
+office he, having seen the next paper ready for press, had gone to Mr.
+Vosper's, some ten miles off, to paper his drawing-room, consequently the
+duties of deciding upon its publication devolved on the Bloomer. Now, she
+was a most refined, puritanical young woman, full of sentiment and
+elegance, with a strong objection to what she considered the inhumanities
+of the chase. At first she was for rejecting the article altogether, and
+had it been a run with the Tinglebury Harriers, or even, we believe, with
+Lord Scamperdale's hounds, she would have consigned it to the 'Balaam box,'
+but seeing it was with Mr. Puffington's hounds, whose house they had
+papered, and who advertised with them, she condescended to read it; and
+though her delicacy was shocked at encountering the word 'stunning' at the
+outset, and also at the term 'ravishing scent' farther on, she nevertheless
+sent the manuscript to the compositors, after making such alterations and
+corrections as she thought would fit it for eyes polite. The consequence
+was that the article appeared in the following form, though whether all the
+absurdities were owing to Miss Lucy's corrections, or the carelessness of
+the writer, or the printers, had anything to do with it, we are not able to
+say. The errors, some of them arising from the mere alteration or
+substitution of a letter, will strike a sporting more than a general
+reader. Thus it appeared in the middle of the third sheet of the
+_Swillingford Patriot_:
+
+    SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS.
+
+    This splendid pack had a superb run from Hollyburn Hanger, the
+    property of its truly popular and sporting owner, Mr. Puffington.
+    A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen, among whom we
+    recognized several distinguished strangers, and members of Lord
+    Scamperdale's hunt, were present. After partaking of the
+    well-known profuse and splendid hospitality of Hanby House, they
+    proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger, where a fine seasonal fox,
+    though some said he was a bay one, broke away in view of the whole
+    pack, every hound scorning to cry, and making the welkin ring with
+    their melody. He broke at the lower end of the cover, and crossing
+    the brook, made straight for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which
+    there is always an exquisite perfume; from there he made a slight
+    bend, as if inclining for the plantations at Winstead, but
+    changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing over
+    nearly the highest point of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+    little village of Berrington Roothings below. Here the hounds came
+    to a check, but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+    favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat
+    past work of mouth, was well up with his hounds, and with a
+    'gentle rantipole!' and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to
+    make one of those scientific rests for which this eminent huntsman
+    is so justly celebrated. Hitting off the scent like a coachman,
+    they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch Farm
+    buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn,
+    he crossed Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right,
+    and passing straight on by the gibbet at Harpen. Here, then, the
+    gallant pack, breaking from scent to view, ran into their box in
+    the open close upon Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from
+    the first, and into which a few more strides would have carried
+    him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen, and the grunting of
+    the hounds was the admiration of all who heard it. The distance
+    could not have been less than ten miles as a cow goes. The justly
+    popular owner of this most celebrated pack, though riding good
+    fourteen stones, led the Walters on his famous chestnut horse
+    Tappy Lappey. After this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+    like a thorough sportsman, and one who never thrashes his hounds
+    unnecessarily--unlike some masters who never know when to leave
+    off--returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party of
+    noblemen and gentlemen partook of his splendid hospitality.
+
+And the considerate Bloomer added of her own accord, 'We hope we shall have
+to record many such runs in the imperishable columns of our paper.'
+
+[Illustration: MISS GRIMES GIVING THE 'CORRECTED' COPY TO THE PRINTER]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+A DINNER AND A DEAL
+
+
+Another grand dinner, on a more extensive scale than its predecessor,
+marked the day of this glorious run.
+
+'There's goin' to be a great blow-out,' observed Mr. Spraggon to Mr.
+Sponge, as, crossing his hands and resting them on the crown of his head,
+he threw himself back in his easy-chair, to recruit after the exertion of
+concocting the description of the run.
+
+'How d'ye know?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Saw by the dinner table as we passed,' replied Jack, adding, 'it reaches
+nearly to the door.'
+
+'Indeed,' said Sponge, 'I wonder who's coming?'
+
+'Most likely Guano again; indeed, I know he is, for I asked his groom if he
+was going home, and he said no; and Lumpleg, you may be sure, and possibly
+old Blossomnose, Slapp, and, very likely, young Pacey.'
+
+'Are they chaps with any "go" in them?--shake their elbows, or anything of
+that sort?' asked Sponge, working away as if he had the dice-box in his
+hand.
+
+'I hardly know,' replied Jack thoughtfully. 'I hardly know. Young Pacey, I
+think, might be made summut on; but his uncle, Major Screw, looks uncommon
+sharp after him, and he's a minor.'
+
+'Would he _pay_?' asked Sponge, who, keeping as he said, 'no books,' was
+not inclined to do business on 'tick.'
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack, squinting at half-cock; 'don't know--would
+depend a good deal, I should say, upon how it was done. It's a deuced
+unhandsome world this. If one wins a trifle of a youngster at cards, let it
+be ever so openly done, it's sure to say one's cheated him, just because
+one happens to be a little older, as if age had anything to do with making
+the cards come right.'
+
+'It's an ungenerous world,' observed Sponge, 'and it's no use being abused
+for nothing. What sort of a genius is Pacey? Is he inclined to go the
+pace?'
+
+'Oh, quite,' replied Jack; 'his great desire is to be thought a
+sportsman.'
+
+'A sportsman or a sporting man?' asked Sponge.
+
+'W-h-o-y! I should say p'raps a sportin' man more than the sportsman,'
+replied Jack. 'He's a great lumberin' lad, buttons his great stomach into a
+Newmarket cutaway, and carries a betting-book in his breast pocket.'
+
+'Oh, he's a bettor, is he!' exclaimed Sponge, brightening up.
+
+'He's a raw poult of a chap,' replied Jack; 'just ready for anything--in a
+small way, at least--a chap that's always offering two to one in
+half-crowns. He'll have money, though, and can't be far off age. His father
+was a great spectacle-maker. You have heard of Pacey's spectacles?'
+
+'Can't say as how I have,' replied Sponge, adding, 'they are more in your
+line than mine.'
+
+The further consideration of the youth was interrupted by the entrance of a
+footman with hot water, who announced that dinner would be ready in half an
+hour.
+
+'Who's there coming?' asked Jack.
+
+'Don't know 'xactly, sir,' replied the man; 'believe much the same party as
+yesterday, with the addition of Mr. Pacey; Mr. Miller, of Newton; Mr. Fogo,
+of Bellevue; Mr. Brown, of the Hill; and some others whose names I forget.'
+
+'Is Major Screw coming?' asked Sponge.
+
+'I rayther think not, sir. I think I heard Mr. Plummey, the butler, say he
+declined.'
+
+'So much the better,' growled Jack, throwing off his purple-lapped coat in
+commencement of his toilette. As the two dressed they discussed the point
+how Pacey might be done.
+
+When our friends got downstairs it was evident there was a great spread.
+Two red-plushed footmen stood on guard in the entrance, helping the
+arrivers out of their wraps, while a buzz of conversation sounded through
+the partially opened drawing-room door, as Mr. Plummey stood, handle in
+hand, to announce the names of the guests. Our friends, having the entrée,
+of course passed in as at home, and mingled with the comers and stayers.
+Guest after guest quickly followed, almost all making the same
+observation, namely, that it was a fine day for the time of year, and then
+each sidled off, rubbing his hands, to the fire. Captain Guano monopolized
+about one-half of it, like a Colossus of Rhodes, with a coat-lap under each
+arm. He seemed to think that, being a stayer, he had more right to the fire
+than the mere diners.
+
+Mr. Puffington moved briskly among the motley throng, now expatiating on
+the splendour of the run, now hoping a friend was hungry, asking a third
+after his wife, and apologizing to a fourth for not having called on his
+sister. Still his real thoughts were in the kitchen, and he kept counting
+noses and looking anxiously at the timepiece. After the door had had a
+longer rest than usual, Blossomnose at last cast up: 'Now we're all here
+surely!' thought he, counting about; 'one, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen,
+myself fifteen--fifteen, fifteen, must be another--sixteen, eight couple
+asked. Oh, that Pacey's wanting; always comes late, won't wait'--so saying,
+or rather thinking, Mr. Puffington rang the bell and ordered dinner. Pacey
+then cast up.
+
+He was just the sort of swaggering youth that Jack had described; a youth
+who thought money would do everything in the world--make him a gentleman,
+in short. He came rolling into the room, grinning as if he had done
+something fine in being late. He had both his great red hands in his tight
+trouser pockets, and drew the right one out to favour his friends with it
+'all hot.'
+
+'I'm late, I guess,' said he, grinning round at the assembled guests, now
+dispersed in the various attitudes of expectant eaters, some standing ready
+for a start, some half-sitting on tables and sofa ends, others resigning
+themselves complacently to their chairs, abusing Mr. Pacey and all dinner
+delayers.
+
+'I'm late, I guess,' repeated he, as he now got navigated up to his host
+and held out his hand.
+
+'Oh, never mind,' replied Puffington, accepting as little of the proffered
+paw as he could; 'never mind,' repeated he, adding, as he looked at the
+French clock on the mantelpiece now chiming a quarter past six, 'I dare say
+I told you we dined at half-past five.'
+
+'Dare say you did, old boy,' replied Pacey, kicking out his legs, and
+giving Puffington what he meant for a friendly poke in the stomach, but
+which in reality nearly knocked his wind out; 'dare say you did, old boy,
+but so you did last time, if you remember, and deuce a bite
+did I get before six; so I thought I'd be quits with you
+this--_he--he--he--haw--haw--haw_,' grinning and staring about as if he had
+done something very clever.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PACEY]
+
+Pacey was one of those deplorable beings--a country swell. Tomkins and
+Hopkins, the haberdashers of Swillingford, never exhibited an ugly
+out-of-the-way neckcloth or waistcoat with the words 'patronized by the
+Prince,' 'very fashionable,' or 'quite the go,' upon them, but he
+immediately adorned himself in one. On the present occasion he was attired
+in a wide-stretching, lace-tipped, black Joinville, with recumbent gills,
+showing the heavy amplitude of his enormous jaws, while the extreme
+scooping out of a collarless, flashy-buttoned, chain-daubed, black silk
+waistcoat, with broad blue stripes, afforded an uninterrupted view of a
+costly embroidered shirt, the view extending, indeed, up to a portion of
+his white satin 'forget-me-not' embroidered braces. His coat was a
+broad-sterned, brass-buttoned blue, with pockets outside, and of course he
+wore a pair of creaking highly varnished boots. He was apparently, about
+twenty; just about the age when a youth thinks it fine to associate with
+men, and an age at which some men are not above taking advantage of a
+youth. Perhaps he looked rather older than he was, for he was stiff built
+and strong, with an ample crop of whiskers extending from his great red
+docken ears round his harvest moon of a face. He was lumpy, and clumsy, and
+heavy all over. Having now got inducted, he began to stare round the party,
+and first addressed our worthy friend Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Well, Sprag, how are you?' asked he.
+
+'Well, Specs' (alluding to his father's trade), 'how are you?' replied
+Jack, with a growl, to the evident satisfaction of the party, who seemed to
+regard Pacey as the common enemy.
+
+Fortunately just at the moment Mr. Plummey restored harmony by announcing
+dinner; and after the usual backing and retiring of mock modesty, Mr.
+Puffington said he would 'show them the way,' when there was as great a
+rush to get in, to avoid the bugbear of sitting with their backs to the
+fire, as there had been apparent disposition not to go at all.
+Notwithstanding the unfavourable aspect of affairs, Mr. Spraggon placed
+himself next Mr. Pacey, who sat a good way down the table, while Mr. Sponge
+occupied the post of honour by our host.
+
+In accordance with the usual tactics of these sort of gentlemen, Spraggon
+and Sponge essayed to be two--if not exactly strangers, at all events
+gentlemen with very little acquaintance. Spraggon took advantage of a dead
+silence to call up the table to _Mister_ Sponge to take wine; a compliment
+that Sponge acknowledged the accordance of by a very low bow into his
+plate, and by-and-by Mister Sponge 'Mistered' Mr. Spraggon to return the
+compliment.
+
+'Do you know much of that--that--that--_chap_?' (he would have said snob if
+he'd thought it would be safe) asked Pacey, as Sponge returned to still
+life after the first wine ceremony.
+
+'No,' replied Spraggon, 'nor do I wish.'
+
+'Great snob,' observed Pacey.
+
+'Shocking,' assented Spraggon.
+
+'He's got a good horse or two, though,' observed Pacey; 'I saw them on the
+road coming here the other day.' Pacey, like many youngsters, professed to
+be a judge of horses, and thought himself rather sharp at a deal.
+
+'They are _good_ horses,' replied Jack, with an emphasis on the good,
+adding, 'I'd be very glad to have one of them.'
+
+Mr. Spraggon then asked Mr. Pacey to take champagne, as the commencement of
+a better understanding.
+
+The wine flowed freely, and the guests, particularly the fresh infusion,
+did ample justice to it. The guests of the day before, having indulged
+somewhat freely, were more moderate at first, though they seemed well
+inclined to do their best after they got their stomachs a little restored.
+Spraggon could drink any given quantity at any time.
+
+The conversation got brisker and brisker: and before the cloth was drawn
+there was a very general clamour, in which all sorts of subjects seemed to
+be mixed--each man addressing himself to his immediate neighbour; one
+talking of taxes--another of tares--a third, of hunting and the system of
+kennel--a fourth, of the corn-laws--old Blossomnose, about tithes--Slapp,
+about timber and water-jumping--Miller, about Collison's pills; and Guano,
+about anything that he could get a word edged in about. Great, indeed, was
+the hubbub. Gradually, however, as the evening advanced Pacey and Guano
+out-talked the rest, and at length Pacey got the noise pretty well to
+himself. When anything definite could be extracted from the mass of
+confusion, he was expatiating on steeple-chasing, hurdle-racing, weights
+for age, ons and offs clever--a sort of mixture of hunting, racing, and
+'Alken.'
+
+Sponge cocked his ear, and sat on the watch, occasionally hazarding an
+observation, while Jack, who was next Pacey, on the left, pretended to
+decry Sponge's judgement, asking _sotto voce_, with a whiff through his
+nose, what such a Cockney as that could know about horses? What between
+Jack's encouragement, and the inspiring influence of the bottle, aided by
+his own self-sufficiency, Pacey began to look upon Sponge with anything but
+admiration; and at last it occurred to him that he would be a very proper
+subject to, what he called, 'take the shine out of.'
+
+'That isn't a bad-like nag, that chestnut of yours, for the wheeler of a
+coach, Mr. Sponge,' exclaimed he, at the instigation of Spraggon, to our
+friend, producing, of course, a loud guffaw from the party.
+
+'No, he isn't,' replied Sponge coolly, adding, 'very like one, I should
+say.'
+
+'Devilish _good_ horse,' growled Jack in Pacey's ear.
+
+'Oh, I dare say,' whispered Pacey, pretending to be scraping up the orange
+syrup in his plate, adding, 'I'm only chaffing the beggar.'
+
+'He looks solitary without the coach at his tail,' continued Pacey, looking
+up, and again addressing Sponge up the table.
+
+'He does,' affirmed Sponge, amidst the laughter of the party.
+
+Pacey didn't know how to take this; whether as a 'sell' or a compliment to
+his own wit. He sat for a few seconds grinning and staring like a fool; at
+last after gulping down a bumper of claret, he again fixed his unmeaning
+green eyes upon Sponge, and exclaimed:
+
+'I'll challenge your horse, Mr. Sponge.'
+
+A burst of applause followed the announcement; for it was evident that
+amusement was in store.
+
+'You'll w-h-a-w-t?' replied Sponge, staring, and pretending ignorance.
+
+'I'll challenge your horse,' repeated Pacey with confidence, and in a tone
+that stopped the lingering murmur of conversation, and fixed the attention
+of the company on himself.
+
+'I don't understand you,' replied Sponge, pretending astonishment.
+
+'Lor bless us! why, where have you lived all your life?' asked Pacey.
+
+'Oh, partly in one place, and partly in another,' was the answer.
+
+'I should think so,' replied Pacey, with a look of compassion, adding, in
+an undertone, 'a good deal with your mother, I should think.'
+
+'If you could get that horse at a moderate figure,' whispered Jack to his
+neighbour, and squinting his eyes inside out as he spoke, 'he's well worth
+having.'
+
+'The beggar won't sell him,' muttered Pacey, who was fonder of talking
+about buying horses than of buying them.
+
+'Oh yes, he will,' replied Jack; 'he didn't understand what you meant. Mr.
+Sponge,' said he, addressing himself slowly and distinctly up the table to
+our hero--'Mr. Sponge, my friend Mr. Pacey here challenges your chestnut.'
+
+Sponge still stared in well-feigned astonishment.
+
+'It's a custom we have in this country,' continued Jack, looking, as he
+thought, at Sponge, but, in reality, squinting most frightfully at the
+sideboard.
+
+'Do you mean he wants to buy him?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Yes,' replied Jack confidently.
+
+'No, I don't,' whispered Pacey, giving Jack a kick under the table. Pacey
+had not yet drunk sufficient wine to be rash.
+
+'Yes, yes,' replied Jack tartly, 'you do,' adding, in an undertone, 'leave
+it to me, man, and I'll let you in for a good thing. Yes, Mr. Sponge,'
+continued he, addressing himself to our hero, 'Mr. Pacey fancies the
+chestnut and challenges him.'
+
+'Why doesn't he ask the price?' replied Sponge, who was always ready for a
+deal.
+
+'Ah, the price must be left to a third party,' said Jack. 'The principle of
+the thing is this,' continued he, enlisting the aid of his fingers to
+illustrate his position: 'Mr. Pacey, here,' said he, applying the
+forefinger of his right hand to the thumb of the left, looking earnestly at
+Sponge, but in reality squinting up at the chandelier--'Mr. Pacey here
+challenges your horse Multum-in-somethin'--I forget what you said you call
+him--but the nag I rode to-day. Well, then,' continued Jack, 'you'
+(demonstrating Sponge by pressing his two forefingers together, and holding
+them erect) 'accept the challenge, but can challenge anything Mr. Pacey
+has--a horse, dog, gun--anything; and, having fixed on somethin' then a
+third party' (who Jack represented by cocking up his thumb), 'any one you
+like to name, makes the award. Well, having agreed upon that party' (Jack
+still cocking up the thumb to represent the arbitrator), 'he says, "Give
+me money." The two then put, say half a crown or five shillin's each, into
+his hand, to which the arbitrator adds the same sum for himself. That being
+done, the arbitrator says, "Hands in pockets, gen'lemen."' (Jack diving his
+right hand up to the hilt in his own.) 'If this be an award, Mr. Pacey's
+horse gives Mr. Sponge's horse so much--draw.' (Jack suiting the action to
+the word, and laying his fist on the table.) 'If each person's hand
+contains money, it is an award--it is a deal; and the arbitrator gets the
+half-crowns, or whatever it is, for his trouble; so that, in course, he has
+a direct interest in makin' such an award as will lead to a deal. _Now_ do
+you understand?' continued Jack, addressing himself earnestly to Sponge.
+
+'I think I do,' replied Sponge who had been at the game pretty often.
+
+'Well, then,' continued Jack, reverting to his original position, 'my
+friend, Mr. Pacey here, challenges your chestnut.'
+
+'No, never mind,' muttered Pacey peevishly, in an undertone, with a frown
+on his face, giving Jack a dig in the ribs with his elbow. 'Never mind,'
+repeated he; '_I_ don't care about it--_I_ don't want the horse.'
+
+'But _I_ do,' growled Jack, adding, in an undertone also, as he stooped for
+his napkin, 'don't spoil sport, man; he's as good a horse as ever stepped;
+and if you'll challenge him, I'll stand between you and danger.'
+
+'But he may challenge something I don't want to part with,' observed Pacey.
+
+'Then you've nothin' to do,' replied Jack, 'but bring up your hand without
+any money in it.'
+
+'Ah! I forgot,' replied Pacey, who did not like not to appear what he
+called 'fly.' 'Well, then, I challenge your chestnut!' exclaimed he,
+perking up, and shouting up the table to Sponge.
+
+'Good!' replied our friend. 'I challenge your watch and chain, then,'
+looking at Pacey's chain-daubed vest.
+
+'Name _me_ arbitrator,' muttered Jack, as he again stooped for his napkin.
+
+'Who shall handicap us? Captain Guano, Mr. Lumpleg, or who?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Suppose we say Spraggon?--he says he rode the horse to-day,' replied
+Pacey.
+
+'Quite agreeable,' said Sponge.
+
+'Now, Jack!' 'Now, Spraggon!' 'Now, old Solomon!' 'Now, Doctor Wiseman,'
+resounded from different parts of the table.
+
+Jack looked solemn; and diving both hands into his breeches' pockets, stuck
+out his legs extensively before him.
+
+'Give me money,' said he pompously. They each handed him half a crown; and
+Jack added a third for himself. 'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut
+horse, and Mr. Sponge challenges Mr. Pacey's gold watch,' observed Jack
+sententiously.
+
+'Come, old Slowman, go on!' exclaimed Guano, adding, 'have you got no
+further than that?'
+
+'Hurry no man's cattle,' replied Jack tartly, adding, 'you may keep a
+donkey yourself some day.'
+
+'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse,' repeated Jack. 'How old
+is the chestnut, Mr. Sponge?' added he, addressing himself to our friend.
+
+'Upon my word I hardly know,' replied Sponge, 'he's past mark of mouth; but
+I think a hunter's age has very little to do with his worth.'
+
+'Who-y, that depends,' rejoined Jack, blowing out his cheeks, and looking
+as pompous as possible--'that depends a good deal upon how he's been used
+in his youth.'
+
+'He's about nine, I should say,' observed Sponge, pretending to have been
+calculating, though, in reality, he knew nothing whatever about the horse's
+age. 'Say nine, or rising ten, and never did a day's work till he was six.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Jack, with an important bow, adding, 'being easy with them
+at the beginnin' puts on a deal to the end. Perfect hunter, I s'pose?'
+
+'Why, you can judge of that yourself,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Perfect hunter, _I_ should say,' rejoined Jack, 'and steady at his
+fences--don't know that I ever rode a better fencer. Well,' continued he,
+having apparently pondered all that over in his mind, 'I must trouble you
+to let me look at your ticker,' said he, turning short round on his
+neighbour.
+
+'There,' said Mr. Pacey, producing a fine flash watch from his
+waistcoat-pocket, and holding it to Jack.
+
+'The chain's included in the challenge, mind,' observed Sponge.
+
+'In course,' said Jack; 'it's what the pawnbrokers call a watch with its
+appurts.' (Jack had his watch at his uncle's and knew the terms exactly.)
+
+'It's a repeater, mind,' observed Pacey, taking off the chain.
+
+'The chain's heavy,' said Jack, running it up in his hand; 'and here's a
+pistol-key and a beautiful pencil-case, with the Pacey crest and motto,'
+observed Jack, trying to decipher the latter. 'If it had been without the
+words, whatever they are,' said he, giving up the attempt, 'it would have
+been worth more, but the gold's fine, and a new stone can easily be put
+in.'
+
+He then pulled an old hunting-card out of his pocket, and proceeded to make
+sundry calculations and estimates in pencil on the back.
+
+'Well, now,' said he, at length, looking up, 'I should say, such a watch as
+that and appurts,' holding them up, 'couldn't be bought in a shop under
+eight-and-twenty pund.'
+
+'It cost five-and-thirty,' observed Mr. Pacey.
+
+'Did it!' rejoined Jack, adding, 'then you were done.'
+
+Jack then proceeded to do a little more arithmetic, during which process
+Mr. Puffington passed the wine and gave as a toast--'Success to the
+handicap.'
+
+'Well,' at length said Jack, having apparently struck a balance, 'hands in
+pocket, gen'lemen. If this is an award, Mr. Pacey's gold watch and appurts
+gives Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse seventy golden sovereigns. Show money,'
+whispered Jack to Pacey, adding, 'I'll stand the shot.'
+
+'Stop!' roared Guano, 'do either of you sport your hand?'
+
+'Yes, I do,' replied Mr. Pacey coolly.
+
+'And I,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Hold hard, then, gen'lemen!' roared Jack, getting excited, and beginning
+to foam. 'Hold hard, gen'lemen!' repeated he, just as he was in the habit
+of roaring at the troublesome customers in Lord Scamperdale's field; 'Mr.
+Pacey and Mr. Sponge both sport their hands.'
+
+'I'll lay a guinea Pacey doesn't hold money,' exclaimed Guano.
+
+'Done!' exclaimed Parson Blossomnose.
+
+'I'll bet it does,' observed Charley Slapp.
+
+'I'll take you,' replied Mr. Miller.
+
+Then the hubbub of betting commenced, and raged with fury for a short time;
+some betting sovereigns, some half-sovereigns, other half-crowns and
+shillings, as to whether the hands of one or both held money.
+
+Givers and takers being at length accommodated, perfect silence at length
+reigned, and all eyes turned upon the double fists of the respective
+champions.
+
+Jack having adjusted his great tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, and put on
+a most consequential air, inquired, like a gambling-house keeper, if they
+were 'All done'--had all 'made their game?' And 'Yes! yes! yes!' resounded
+from all quarters.
+
+'Then, gen'lemen,' said Jack, addressing Pacey and Sponge, who still kept
+their closed hands on the table, '_show_!'
+
+At the word, their hands opened, and each held money.
+
+'A deal! a deal! a deal!' resounded through the room, accompanied with
+clapping of hands, thumping of the table, and dancing of glasses. 'You owe
+me a guinea,' exclaimed one. 'I want half a sovereign of you,' roared
+another. 'Here's my half-crown,' said a third, handing one across the table
+to the fortunate winner. A general settlement took place, in the midst of
+which the 'watch and appurts' were handed to Mr. Sponge.
+
+'We'll drink Mr. Pacey's health,' said Mr. Puffington, helping himself to a
+bumper, and passing the lately replenished decanters. 'He's done the thing
+like a sportsman, and deserves to have luck with his deal. Your good
+health, Mr. Pacey!' continued he, addressing himself specifically to our
+friend, 'and luck to your horse.'
+
+'Your good health, Mr. Pacey--your good health, Mr. Pacey--your good
+health, Mr. Pacey,' then followed in the various intonations that mark the
+feelings of the speaker towards the toastee, as the bottles passed round
+the table.
+
+The excitement seemed to have given fresh zest to the wine, and those who
+had been shirking, or filling on heel-taps, now began filling bumpers,
+while those who always filled bumpers now took back hands.
+
+There is something about horse-dealing that seems to interest every one.
+Conversation took a brisk turn, and nothing but the darkness of the night
+prevented their having the horse out and trying him. Pacey wanted him
+brought into the dining-room, _à la_ Briggs, but Puff wouldn't stand that.
+The transfer seemed to have invested the animal with supernatural charms,
+and those who in general cared nothing about horses wanted to have a sight
+of him.
+
+Toasting having commenced, as usual, it was proceeded with. Sponge's health
+followed that of Mr. Pacey's, Mr. Puffington availing himself of the
+opportunity afforded by proposing it, of expressing the gratification it
+afforded himself and all true sportsmen to see so distinguished a character
+in the country; and he concluded by hoping that the diminution of his stud
+would not interfere with the length of his visit--a toast that was drunk
+with great applause.
+
+Mr. Sponge replied by saying, 'That he certainly had not intended parting
+with his horse, though one more or less was neither here nor there,
+especially in these railway times, when a man had nothing to do but take a
+half-guinea's worth of electric wire, and have another horse in less than
+no time; but Mr. Pacey having taken a fancy to the horse, he had been more
+accommodating to him than he had to his friend, Mr. Spraggon, if he would
+allow him to call him so (Jack squinted and bowed assent), who,' continued
+Mr. Sponge, 'had in vain attempted that morning to get him to put a price
+upon him.'
+
+'Very true,' whispered Jack to Pacey, with a feel of the elbow in his ribs,
+adding, in an undertone, 'the beggar doesn't think I've got him in spite of
+him, though.'
+
+'The horse,' Mr. Sponge continued, 'was an undeniable good 'un, and he
+wished Mr. Pacey joy of his bargain.'
+
+This venture having been so successful, others attempted similar means,
+appointing Mr. Spraggon the arbitrator. Captain Guano challenged Mr. Fogo's
+phaeton, while Mr. Fogo retaliated upon the captain's chestnut horse; but
+the captain did not hold money to the award. Blossomnose challenged Mr.
+Miller's pig; but the latter could not be induced to claim anything of the
+worthy rector's for Mr. Spraggon to exercise his appraising talents upon.
+After an evening of much noise and confusion, the wine-heated party at last
+broke up--the staying company retiring to their couches, and the outlying
+ones finding their ways home as best they could.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+THE MORNING'S REFLECTIONS
+
+
+When young Pacey awoke in the morning he had a very bad headache, and his
+temples throbbed as if the veins would burst their bounds. The first thing
+that recalled the actual position of affairs to his mind was feeling under
+the pillow for his watch: a fruitless search that ended in recalling
+something of the overnight's proceedings.
+
+Pacey liked a cheap flash, and when elated with wine might be betrayed into
+indiscretions that his soberer moments were proof against. Indeed, among
+youths of his own age he was reckoned rather a sharp hand; and it was the
+vanity of associating with men, and wishing to appear a match for them,
+that occasionally brought him into trouble. In a general way, he was a very
+cautious hand.
+
+He now lay tumbling and tossing about in bed, and little by little he laid
+together the outline of the evening's proceedings, beginning with his
+challenging Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and ending with the resignation of his
+watch and chain. He thought he was wrong to do anything of the sort. He
+didn't want the horse, not he. What should he do with him? he had one more
+than he wanted as it was. Then, paying for him seventy sovereigns! confound
+it, it would be very inconvenient--_most_ inconvenient--indeed, he
+couldn't do it, so there was an end of it. The facilities of carrying out
+after-dinner transactions frequently vanish with the morning's sun. So it
+was with Mr. Pacey. Then he began to think how to get out of it. Should he
+tell Mr. Sponge candidly the state of his finances, and trust to his
+generosity for letting him off? Was Mr. Sponge a likely man to do it? He
+thought he was. But, then, would he blab? He thought he would, and that
+would blow him among those by whom he wished to be thought knowing, a man
+not to be done. Altogether he was very much perplexed: seventy pounds was a
+vast of money; and then there was his watch gone, too! a hundred and more
+altogether. He must have been drunk to do it--_very_ drunk, he should say;
+and then he began to think whether he had not better treat it as an
+after-dinner frolic, and pretend to forget all about it. That seemed
+feasible.
+
+All at once it occurred to Pacey that Mr. Spraggon was the purchaser, and
+that he was only a middle-man. His headache forsook him for the moment, and
+he felt a new man. It was clearly the case, and bit by bit he recollected
+all about it. How Jack had told him to challenge the horse, and he would
+stand to the bargain; how he had whispered him (Pacey) to name him (Jack)
+arbitrator; and how he had done so, and Jack had made the award. Then he
+began to think that the horse must be a good one, as Jack would not set too
+high a price on him, seeing that he was the purchaser. Then he wondered
+that he had put enough on to induce Sponge to sell him: that rather puzzled
+him. He lay a long time tossing, and proing and coning, without being able
+to arrive at any satisfactory solution of the matter. At last he rang his
+bell, and finding it was eight o'clock he got up, and proceeded to dress
+himself; which operation being accomplished, he sought Jack's room, to have
+a little confidential conversation with him on the subject, and arrange
+about paying Sponge for the horse, without letting out who was the
+purchaser.
+
+Jack was snoring, with his great mouth wide open, and his grizzly head
+enveloped in a white cotton nightcap. The noise of Pacey entering awoke
+him.
+
+'Well, old boy' growled he, turning over as soon as he saw who it was,
+'what are you up to?'
+
+'Oh, nothing particular,' replied Mr. Pacey, in a careless sort of tone.
+
+'Then make yourself scarce, or I'll baptize you in a way you won't like,'
+growled Jack, diving under the bedclothes.
+
+'Oh, why I just wanted to have--have half a dozen words with you about our
+last night's' (ha--hem--haw!) 'handicap, you know--about the horse, you
+know.'
+
+'About the w-h-a-w-t?' drawled Jack, as if perfectly ignorant of what Pacey
+was talking about.
+
+'About the horse, you know--about Mr. Sponge's horse, you know--that you
+got me to challenge for you, you know,' stammered Pacey.
+
+'Oh, dash it, the chap's drunk,' growled Jack aloud to himself, adding to
+Pacey, 'you shouldn't get up so soon, man--sleep the drink off.'
+
+Pacey stood nonplussed.
+
+'Don't you remember, Mr. Spraggon,' at last asked he, after watching the
+tassel of Jack's cap peeping above the bedclothes, 'what took place last
+night, you know? You asked me to get you Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and you
+know I did, you know.'
+
+'Hout, lad, disperse!--get out of this!' exclaimed Jack, starting his great
+red face above the bedclothes and squinting frightfully at Pacey.
+
+'Well, my dear friend, but you did,' observed Pacey soothingly.
+
+'Nonsense!' roared Jack, again ducking under.
+
+Pacey stood agape.
+
+'Come!' exclaimed Jack, again starting up, 'cut your stick!--be off!--make
+yourself scarce!--give your rags a gallop, in short!--don't be after
+disturbin' a gen'leman of fortin's rest in this way.'
+
+'But, my dear Mr. Spraggon,' resumed Pacey, in the same gentle tone, 'you
+surely forget what you asked me to do.'
+
+'_I do_,' replied Jack firmly.
+
+'Well, but, my dear Mr. Spraggon, if you'll have the kindness to
+recollect--to consider--to reflect on what passed, you'll surely remember
+commissioning me to challenge Mr. Sponge's horse for you?'
+
+'_Me!_' exclaimed Jack, bouncing up in bed, and sitting squinting
+furiously. '_Me!_' repeated he; '_un_possible. How could _I_ do such a
+thing? Why, I handicap'd him, man, for you, man?'
+
+'You told me, for all that,' replied Mr. Pacey, with a jerk of the head.
+
+'Oh, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack, taking his cap by the tassel, and twisting
+it off his head,' that won't do!--downright impeachment of one's integrity.
+Oh, by Jingo! that won't do!' motioning as if he was going to bounce out of
+bed; 'can't stand that--impeach one's integrity, you know, better take
+one's life, you know. Life without honour's nothin', you know. Cock
+Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!'
+
+'Oh, I assure you, I didn't mean anything of that sort,' exclaimed Mr.
+Pacey, frightened at Jack's vehemence, and the way in which he now foamed
+at the mouth, and flourished his nightcap about. 'Oh, I assure you, I
+didn't mean anything of that sort,' repeated he, 'only I thought p'raps you
+mightn't recollect all that had passed, p'raps; and if we were to talk
+matters quietly over, by putting that and that together, we might assist
+each other and--'
+
+'Oh, by Jove!' interrupted Jack, dashing his nightcap against the bedpost,
+'too late for anything of that sort, sir--_down_right impeachment of one's
+integrity, sir--must be settled another way, sir.'
+
+'But, I assure you, you mistake!' exclaimed Pacey.
+
+'Rot your mistakes!' interrupted Jack; 'there's no mistake in the matter.
+You've _reg_larly impeached my integrity--blood of the Spraggons won't
+stand that. "Death before Dishonour!"' shouted he, at the top of his voice,
+flourishing his nightcap over his head, and then dashing it on to the
+middle of the floor.
+
+'What's the matter?--what's the matter?--what's the matter?' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge, rushing through the connecting door. 'What's the matter?' repeated
+he, placing himself between the bed in which Jack still sat upright,
+squinting his eyes inside out, and where Mr. Pacey stood.
+
+'Oh, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jack, clasping his raised hands in
+thankfulness, 'I'm so glad you're here!--I'm so thankful you're come! I've
+been insulted!--oh, goodness, how I've been insulted!' added he, throwing
+himself back in the bed, as if thoroughly overcome with his feelings.
+
+'Well, but what's the matter?--what is it all about?' asked Sponge coolly,
+having a pretty good guess what it was.
+
+'Never was so insulted in my life!' ejaculated Jack, from under the
+bedclothes.
+
+'Well but what _is_ it?' repeated Sponge, appealing to Pacey, who stood as
+pale as ashes.
+
+'Oh! nothing,' replied he; 'quite a mistake; Mr. Spraggon misunderstood me
+altogether.'
+
+'Mistake! There's no mistake in the matter!' exclaimed Jack, appearing
+again on the surface like an otter; 'you gave me the lie as plain as a
+pikestaff.'
+
+'Indeed!' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing in his breath and raising his
+eyebrows right up into the roof of his head. 'Indeed!' repeated he.
+
+'No; nothing of the sort, I assure you,' asserted Mr. Pacey.
+
+'Must have satisfaction!' exclaimed Jack, again diving under the
+bedclothes.
+
+'Well, but let us hear how matters stand,' said Mr. Sponge coolly, as
+Jack's grizzly head disappeared.
+
+'You'll be my second,' growled Jack, from under the bedclothes.
+
+'Oh! second be hanged,' retorted Sponge. 'You've nothing to fight about;
+Mr. Pacey says he didn't mean anything, that you misunderstood him, and
+what more can a man want?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Mr. Pacey, 'just so. I assure you I never intended the
+slightest imputation on Mr. Spraggon.'
+
+'I'm sure not,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'H-u-m-p-h,' grunted Jack from under the bedclothes, like a pig in the
+straw. Not showing any disposition to appear on the surface again, Mr.
+Sponge, after standing a second or two, gave a jerk of his head to Mr.
+Pacey, and forthwith conducted him into his own room, shutting the door
+between Mr. Spraggon and him.
+
+Mr. Sponge then inquired into the matter, kindly sympathizing with Mr.
+Pacey, who he was certain never meant anything disrespectful to Mr.
+Spraggon, who, Mr. Sponge thought, seemed rather quick at taking offence;
+though, doubtless, as Mr. Sponge observed, 'a man was perfectly right in
+being tenacious of his integrity,' a position that he illustrated by a
+familiar passage from Shakespeare, about stealing a purse and stealing
+trash, &c.
+
+Emboldened by his kindness, Mr. Pacey then got Mr. Sponge on to talk about
+the horse of which he had become the unwilling possessor--the renowned
+chestnut, Multum in Parvo.
+
+Mr. Sponge spoke like a very prudent, conscientious man; said that really
+it was difficult to give an opinion about a horse; that what suited one man
+might not suit another--that _he_ considered Multum in Parvo a very good
+horse; indeed, that he wouldn't have parted with him if he hadn't more than
+he wanted, and the cream of the season had passed without his meeting with
+any of those casualties that rendered the retention of an extra horse or
+two desirable. Altogether, he gave Mr. Pacey to understand that he held him
+to his bargain. Having thanked Sponge for his great kindness, and got an
+order on the groom (Mr. Leather) to have the horse out, Mr. Pacey took his
+departure to the stable, and Sponge having summoned his neighbour Mr.
+Spraggon from his bed, the two proceeded to a passage window that commanded
+a view of the stable-yard.
+
+Mr. Pacey presently went swaggering across it, cracking his jockey whip
+against his leg, followed by Mr. Leather, with a saddle on his shoulder and
+a bridle in his hand.
+
+'He'd better keep his whip quiet,' observed Mr. Sponge, with a shake of his
+head, as he watched Pacey's movements.
+
+'The beggar thinks he can ride anything,' observed Jack.
+
+'He'll find his mistake out just now,' replied Sponge.
+
+Presently the stable-door opened, and the horse stepped slowly and quietly
+out, looking blooming and bright after his previous day's gallop. Pacey,
+running his eyes over his clean muscular legs and finely shaped form,
+thought he hadn't done so far amiss after all. Leather stood at the horse's
+head, whistling and soothing him, feeling anything but the easy confidence
+that Mr. Pacey exhibited. Putting his whip under his arm, Pacey just walked
+up to the horse, and, placing the point of his foot in the stirrup, hoisted
+himself on by the mane, without deigning to take hold of the reins. Having
+soused himself into the saddle, he then began feeling the stirrups.
+
+'How are they for length, sir?' asked Leather, with a hitch of his hand to
+his forehead.
+
+'They'll do,' replied Pacey, in a tone of indifference, gathering up the
+reins, and applying his left heel to the horse's side, while he gave him a
+touch of the whip on the other. The horse gave a wince, and a hitch up
+behind; as much as to say, 'If you do that again I'll kick in right
+earnest,' and then walked quietly out of the yard.
+
+'I took the fiery edge off him yesterday, I think,' observed Jack, as he
+watched the horse's leisurely movements.
+
+'Not so sure of that,' replied Sponge, adding, as he left the
+passage-window, 'He'll be trying him in the park; let's go and see him from
+my window.'
+
+Accordingly, our friends placed themselves at Sponge's bedroom window, and
+presently the clash of a gate announced that Sponge was right in his
+speculation. In another second the horse and rider appeared in sight--the
+horse going much at his ease, but Mr. Pacey preparing himself for action.
+He began working the bridle and kicking his sides, to get him into a
+canter; an exertion that produced quite a contrary effect, for the animal
+slackened his pace as Pacey's efforts increased. When, however, he took his
+whip from under his arm, the horse darted right up into the air, and
+plunging down again, with one convulsive effort shot Mr. Pacey several
+yards over his head, knocking his head clean through his hat. The brute
+then began to graze, as if nothing particular had happened. This easy
+indifference, however, did not extend to the neighbourhood; for no sooner
+was Mr. Pacey floored than there was such a rush of grooms, and helpers,
+and footmen, and gardeners--to say nothing of women, from all parts of the
+grounds, as must have made it very agreeable to him to know how he had been
+watched. One picked him up--another his hat-crown--a third his whip--a
+fourth his gloves--while Margaret, the housemaid, rushed to the rescue with
+her private bottle of _sal volatile_--and John, the under-butler, began to
+extricate him from the new-fashioned neckcloth he had made of his hat.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PACEY TRIES MULTUM-IN-PARVO]
+
+Though our friend was a good deal shaken by the fall, the injury to his
+body was trifling compared to that done to his mind. Being kicked off a
+horse was an indignity he had never calculated upon. Moreover, it was done
+in such a masterly manner as clearly showed it could be repeated at
+pleasure. In addition to which everybody laughs at a man that is kicked
+off. All these considerations rushed to his mind, and made him determine
+not to brook the mirth of the guests as well as the servants.
+
+Accordingly he borrowed a hat and started off home, and seeking his
+guardian, Major Screw, confided to him the position of affairs. The major,
+who was a man of the world, forthwith commenced a negotiation with Mr.
+Sponge, who, after a good deal of haggling, and not until the horse had
+shot the major over his head, too, at length, as a great favour, consented
+to take fifty pounds to rescind the bargain, accompanying his kindness by
+telling the major to advise his ward never to dabble in horseflesh after
+dinner; a piece of advice that we also very respectfully tender to our
+juvenile readers.
+
+And Sponge shortly after sent Spraggon a five pound note as his share of
+the transaction.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+ANOTHER SICK HOST
+
+
+[Illustration: letter W]
+
+When Mr. Puffington read Messrs. Sponge and Spraggon's account of the run
+with his hounds, in the Swillingford paper, he was perfectly horrified;
+words cannot describe the disgust that he felt. It came upon him quite by
+surprise, for he expected to be immortalized in some paper or work of
+general circulation, in which the Lords Loosefish, Sir Toms, and Sir Harrys
+of former days might recognize the spirited doings of their early friend.
+He wanted the superiority of his establishment, the excellence of his
+horses, the stoutness of his hounds, and the polish of his field,
+proclaimed, with perhaps a quiet cut at the Flat-Hat gentry; instead of
+which he had a mixed medley sort of a mess, whose humdrum monotony was only
+relieved by the absurdities and errors with which it was crammed. At first,
+Mr. Puffington could not make out what it meant, whether it was a hoax for
+the purpose of turning run-writing into ridicule, or it had suffered
+mutilation at the hands of the printer. Calling a good scent an exquisite
+perfume looked suspicious of a hoax, but then seasonal fox for seasoned
+fox, scorning to cry for scoring to cry, bay fox for bag fox, grunting for
+hunting, thrashing for trashing, rests for casts, and other absurdities,
+looked more like accident than design.
+
+These are the sort of errors that non-sporting compositors might easily
+make, one term being as much like English to them as the other, though
+amazingly different to the eye or the ear of a sportsman. Mr. Puffington
+was thoroughly disgusted. He was sick of hounds and horses, and Bragg, and
+hay and corn, and kennels and meal, and saddles and bridles; and now, this
+absurdity seemed to cap the whole thing. He was ill-prepared for such a
+shock. The exertion of successive dinner-giving--above all, of bachelor
+dinner-giving--and that too in the country, where men sit, talk, talk,
+talking, sip, sip, sipping, and 'just another bottle-ing'; more, we
+believe, from want of something else to do than from any natural
+inclination to exceed; the exertion, we say, of such parties had completely
+unstrung our fat friend, and ill-prepared his nerves for such a shock.
+Being a great man for his little comforts, he always breakfasted in his
+dressing-room, which he had fitted up in the most luxurious style, and
+where he had his newspapers (most carefully ironed out) laid with his
+letters against he came in. It was late on the morning following our last
+chapter ere he thought he had got rid of as much of his winey headache as
+fitful sleep would carry off, and enveloped himself in a blue and
+yellow-flowered silk dressing-gown and Turkish slippers. He looked at his
+letters, and knowing their outsides, left them for future perusal, and
+sousing himself into the depths of a many-cushioned easy-chair, proceeded
+to spell his _Morning Post_--Tattersall's advertisements--'Grosjean's
+Pale-tots'--'Mr. Albert Smith'--'Coals, best Stewart Hetton or
+Lambton's'--'Police Intelligence,' and such other light reading as does not
+require any great effort to connect or comprehend.
+
+Then came his breakfast, for which he had very little appetite, though he
+relished his coffee, and also an anchovy. While dawdling over these, he
+heard sundry wheels grinding about below the window, and the bumping and
+thumping of boxes, indicative of 'goings away,' for which he couldn't say
+he felt sorry. He couldn't even be at the trouble of getting up and going
+to the window to see who it was that was off, so weary and head-achy was
+he. He rolled and lolled in his chair, now taking a sip of coffee, now a
+bite of anchovy toast, now considering whether he durst venture on an egg,
+and again having recourse to the _Post_. At last, having exhausted all the
+light reading in it, and scanned through the list of hunting appointments,
+he took up the Swillingford paper to see that they had got his 'meets'
+right for the next week. How astonished he was to find the previous day's
+run staring him in the face, headed 'SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S
+HOUNDS,' in the imposing type here displayed. 'Well, that's quick work,
+however,' said he, casting his eyes up to the ceiling in astonishment, and
+thinking how unlike it was the Swillingford papers, which were always a
+week, but generally a fortnight behindhand with information. 'Splendid run
+with Mr. Puffington's hounds,' read he again, wondering who had done it:
+Bardolph, the innkeeper; Allsop, the cabinet-maker; Tuggins, the doctor,
+were all out; so was Weatherhog, the butcher. Which of them could it be?
+Grimes, the editor, wasn't there; indeed, he couldn't ride, and the country
+was not adapted for a gig.
+
+He then began to read it, and the further he got the more he was disgusted.
+At last, when he came to the 'seasonal fox, which some thought was a bay
+one,' his indignation knew no bounds, and crumpling the paper up in a heap,
+he threw it from him in disgust. Just then in came Plummey, the butler.
+Plummey saw at a glance what had happened; for Mr. Bragg, and the whips,
+and the grooms, and the helpers, and the feeder--the whole hunting
+establishment--were up in arms at the burlesque, and vowing vengeance
+against the author of it. Mr. Spraggon, on seeing what a mess had been made
+of his labours, availed himself of the offer of a seat in Captain Guano's
+dog-cart, and was clear of the premises; while Mr. Sponge determined to
+profit by Spraggon's absence, and lay the blame on him.
+
+'Oh, Plummey!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, as his servant entered, 'I'm
+deuced unwell--quite knocked up, in short,' clapping his hand on his
+forehead, adding, 'I shall not be able to dine downstairs to-day.'
+
+''Deed, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey, in a tone of commiseration--''deed, sir;
+sorry to hear that, sir.'
+
+'Are they all gone?' asked Mr. Puffington, dropping his
+boiled-gooseberry-looking eyes upon the fine-flowered carpet.
+
+'All gone, sir--all gone,' replied Mr. Plummey; 'all except Mr. Sponge.'
+
+'Oh, he's still here!' replied Mr. Puffington, shuddering with disgust at
+the recollection of the newspaper run. 'Is he going to-day?' asked he.
+
+'No, sir--I dare say not, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey. 'His man--his
+groom--his--whatever he calls him, expects they'll be staying some time.'
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, whose hospitality, like
+Jawleyford's, was greater in imagination than in reality.
+
+'Shall I take these things away?' asked Plummey, after a pause.
+
+'Couldn't you manage to get him to go?' asked Mr. Puffington, still harping
+on his remaining guest.
+
+'Don't know, sir. I could try, sir--believe he's bad to move, sir,' replied
+Plummey, with a grin.
+
+'Is he really?' replied Mr. Puffington, alarmed lest Sponge should fasten
+himself upon him for good.
+
+'They say so,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'but I don't speak from any personal
+knowledge, for I know nothing of the man.'
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Puffington, amused at his servant's exclusiveness, 'I wish
+you would try to get rid of him, bow him out civilly, you know--say I'm
+unwell--very unwell--deuced unwell--_ordered_ to keep quiet--say it as if
+from yourself, you know--it mustn't appear as if it came from me, you
+know.'
+
+'In course not,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'in course not,' adding, 'I'll do my
+best, sir--I'll do my best.' So saying, he took up the breakfast things and
+departed.
+
+Mr. Sponge regaling himself with a cigar in the stables and shrubberies, it
+was some time before Mr. Plummey had an opportunity of trying his diplomacy
+upon him, it being contrary to Mr. Plummey's custom to go out of doors
+after any one. At last he saw Sponge coming lounging along the
+terrace-walk, looking like a man thoroughly disengaged, and, timing himself
+properly, encountered him in the entrance.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' said Mr. Plummey, 'but cook, sir, wishes to know, sir,
+if you dine here to-day, sir?'
+
+'Of course,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'where would you have me dine?'
+
+'Oh, I don't know, sir--only Mr. Puffington, sir, is very poorly, sir, and
+I thought p'raps you'd be dining out.
+
+'Poorly is he?' replied Mr. Sponge; 'sorry to hear that--what's the matter
+with him?'
+
+'Bad bilious attack, I think,' replied Plummey--'very subject to them, at
+this time of year particklarly; was laid up, at least confined to his room,
+three weeks last year of a similar attack.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, not relishing the information.
+
+'Then I must say you'll dine here?' said the butler.
+
+'Yes; I must have my dinner, of course,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'I'm not ill,
+you know. No occasion to make a great spread for me, you know; but still I
+must have some victuals, you know.'
+
+'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Mr. Plummey.
+
+'I couldn't think of leaving Mr. Puffington when he's poorly,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, half to himself and half to the butler.
+
+'Oh, master--that's to say, Mr. Puffington--always does best when left
+alone,' observed Mr. Plummey, catching at the sentence: 'indeed the medical
+men recommend perfect quiet and moderate living as the best thing.'
+
+'Do they?' replied Sponge, taking out another cigar. Mr. Plummey then
+withdrew, and presently went upstairs to report progress, or rather want of
+progress, to the gentleman whom he sometimes condescended to call 'master.'
+
+Mr. Puffington had been taking another spell at the paper, and we need
+hardly say that the more he read of the run the less he liked it.
+
+'Ah, that's Mr. Sponge's handiwork,' observed Plummey, as with a sneer of
+disgust Mr. Puffington threw the paper from him as Plummey entered the
+room.
+
+'How do you know?' asked Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Saw it, sir--saw it in the letter-bag going to the post.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Mr. Spraggon and he did it after they came in from hunting.'
+
+'I thought as much,' replied Mr. Puffington, in disgust.
+
+Mr. Plummey then related how unsuccessful had been his attempts to get rid
+of the now most unwelcome guest. Mr. Puffington listened with attention,
+determined to get rid of him somehow or other. Plummey was instructed to
+ply Sponge well with hints, all of which, however, Mr. Sponge skilfully
+parried. So, at last, Mr. Puffington scrawled a miserable-looking note,
+explaining how very ill he was, how he regretted being deprived of Mr.
+Sponge's agreeable society, but hoping that it would suit Mr. Sponge to
+return as soon as he was better and pay the remainder of his visit--a
+pretty intelligible notice to quit, and one which even the cool Mr. Sponge
+was rather at a loss how to parry.
+
+He did not like the aspect of affairs. In addition to having to spend the
+evening by himself, the cook sent him a very moderate dinner, smoked soup,
+sodden fish, scraggy cutlets, and sour pudding. Mr. Plummey, too, seemed to
+have put all the company bottle-ends together for him. This would not do.
+If Sponge could have satisfied himself that his host would not be better in
+a day or two, he would have thought seriously of leaving; but as he could
+not bring himself to think that he would not, and, moreover, had no place
+to go to, had it not been for the concluding portion of Mr. Puffington's
+note, he would have made an effort to stay. That, however, put it rather
+out of his power, especially as it was done so politely, and hinted at a
+renewal of the visit. Mr. Sponge spent the evening in cogitating what he
+should do--thinking what sportsmen had held out the hand of
+good-fellowship, and hinted at hoping to have the pleasure of seeing him.
+Fyle, Fossick, Blossomnose, Capon, Dribble, Hook, and others, were all run
+through his mind, without his thinking it prudent to attempt to fix a
+volunteer visit upon any of them. Many people he knew could pen polite
+excuses, who yet could not hit them off at the moment, especially in that
+great arena of hospitality--the hunting-field. He went to bed very much
+perplexed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV
+
+WANTED--A RICH GOD-PAPA!
+
+
+'When one door shuts another opens,' say the saucy servants; and fortune
+was equally favourable to our friend Mr. Sponge. Though he could not think
+of any one to whom he could volunteer a visit. Dame Fortune provided him
+with an overture from a party who wanted him! But we will introduce his new
+host, or rather victim.
+
+People hunt from various motives--some for the love of the thing--some for
+show--some for fashion--some for health--some for appetites--some for
+coffee-housing--some to say they have hunted--some because others hunt.
+
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did not hunt from any of these motives, and it would
+puzzle a conjurer to make out why he hunted; indeed, the members of the
+different hunts he patronized--for he was one of the run-about,
+non-subscribing sort--were long in finding out. It was observed that he
+generally affected countries abounding in large woods, such as Stretchaway
+Forest, Hazelbury Chase, and Oakington Banks, into which he would dive with
+the greatest avidity. At first people thought he was a very keen hand,
+anxious to see a fox handsomely found, if he could not see him handsomely
+finished, against which latter luxury his figure and activity, or want of
+activity, were somewhat opposed. Indeed, when we say that he went by the
+name of the Woolpack, our readers will be able to imagine the style of man
+he was: long-headed, short-necked, large-girthed, dumpling-legged little
+fellow, who, like most fat men, made himself dangerous by compressing a
+most unreasonable stomach into a circumscribed coat, each particular button
+of which looked as if it was ready to burst off, and knock out the eye of
+any one who might have the temerity to ride alongside of him. He was a
+puffy, wheezy, sententious little fellow, who accompanied his parables with
+a snort into a large finely plaited shirt-frill, reaching nearly up to his
+nose. His hunting-costume consisted of a black coat and waistcoat, with
+white moleskin breeches, much cracked and darned about the knees and other
+parts, as nether garments made of that treacherous stuff often are. His
+shapeless tops, made regardless of the refinements of 'right and left,'
+dangled at his horse's sides like a couple of stable-buckets; and he
+carried his heavy iron hammer-headed whip over his shoulder like a flail.
+But we are drawing his portrait instead of saying why he hunted. Well,
+then, having married Mrs. Springwheat's sister, who was always boasting to
+Mrs. Crowdey what a loving, doting husband Springey was after hunting, Mrs.
+Crowdey had induced Crowdey to try his hand, and though soon satisfied that
+he hadn't the slightest taste for the sport, but being a great man for what
+he called gibbey-sticks, he hunted for the purpose of finding them. As we
+said before, he generally appeared at large woodlands, into which he would
+ride with the hounds, plunging through the stiffest clay, and forcing his
+way through the strongest thickets, making observations all the while of
+the hazels, and the hollies, and the blackthorns, and, we are sorry to say,
+sometimes of the young oaks and ashes, that he thought would fashion into
+curious-handled walking-sticks; and these he would return for at a future
+day, getting them with as large clubs as possible, which he would cut into
+the heads of beasts, or birds, or fishes, or men. At the time of which we
+are writing, he had accumulated a vast quantity--thousands; the garret at
+the top of his house was quite full, so were most of the closets, while the
+rafters in the kitchen, and cellars, and out-houses, were crowded with
+others in a state of _déshabille_. He calculated his stock at immense
+worth, we don't know how many thousand pounds; and as he cut, and puffed,
+and wheezed, and modelled, with a volume of Buffon, or the picture of some
+eminent man before him, he chuckled, and thought how well he was providing
+for his family. He had been at it so long, and argued so stoutly, that Mrs.
+Jogglebury Crowdey, if not quite convinced of the accuracy of his
+calculations, nevertheless thought it well to encourage his hunting
+predilections, inasmuch as it brought him in contact with people he would
+not otherwise meet, who, she thought, might possibly be useful to their
+children. Accordingly, she got him his breakfast betimes on
+hunting-mornings, charged his pockets with currant-buns, and saw to the
+mending of his moleskins when he came home, after any of those casualties
+that occur as well in the chase as in gibbey-stick hunting.
+
+A stranger being a marked man in a rural country, Mr. Sponge excited more
+curiosity in Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's mind than Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did
+in Mr. Sponge's. In truth, Jogglebury was one of those unsportsmanlike
+beings, that a regular fox-hunter would think it waste of words to inquire
+about, and if Mr. Sponge saw him, he did not recollect him; while, on the
+other hand, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey went home very full of our friend. Now,
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a fine, bustling, managing woman, with a large
+family, for whom she exerted all her energies to procure desirable
+god-papas and mammas; and, no sooner did she hear of this newcomer, than
+she longed to appropriate him for god-papa to their youngest son.
+
+'Jog, my dear,' said she, to her spouse, as they sat at tea; 'it would be
+well to look after him.'
+
+'What for, my dear?' asked Jog, who was staring a stick, with a
+half-finished head of Lord Brougham for a handle, out of countenance.
+
+'What for, Jog? Why, can't you guess?'
+
+'No,' replied Jog doggedly.
+
+'No!' ejaculated his spouse. 'Why, Jog, you certainly are the stupidest man
+in existence.'
+
+'Not necessarily!' replied Jog, with a jerk of his head and a puff into his
+shirt-frill that set it all in a flutter.
+
+'Not necessarily!' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, who was what they call a
+'spirited woman,' in the same rising tone as before. 'Not necessarily! but
+I say necessarily--yes, necessarily. Do you hear me, Mr. Jogglebury?'
+
+'I hear you,' replied Jogglebury scornfully, with another jerk, and another
+puff into the frill.
+
+The two then sat silent for some minutes, Jogglebury still contemplating
+the progressing head of Lord Brougham, and recalling the eye and features
+that some five-and-twenty years before had nearly withered him in a breach
+of promise action, 'Smiler _v_. Jogglebury,'[3] that being our friend's
+name before his uncle Crowdey left him his property.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury having an object in view, and knowing that, though
+Jogglebury might lead, he would not drive, availed herself of the lull to
+trim her sail, to try and catch him on the other tack.
+
+'Well, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey,' said she, in a passive tone of regret, 'I
+certainly thought however indifferent you might be to me' (and here she
+applied her handkerchief--rather a coarse one--to her eyes) 'that still you
+had some regard for the interests of your (sob) children'; and here the
+waterfalls of her beady black eyes went off in a gush.
+
+'Well, my dear,' replied Jogglebury, softened, 'I'm (puff) sure I'm
+(wheeze) anxious for my (puff) children. You don't s'pose if I wasn't
+(puff), I'd (wheeze) labour as I (puff--wheeze) do to leave them
+fortins?'--alluding to his exertions in the gibbey-stick line.
+
+'Oh, Jog, I dare say you're very good and very industrious,' sobbed Mrs.
+Jogglebury, 'but I sometimes (sob) think that you might apply your (sob)
+energies to a better (sob) purpose.'
+
+'Indeed, my dear (puff), I don't see that (wheeze),' replied Jogglebury,
+mildly.
+
+'Why, now, if you were to try and get this rich Mr. Sponge for a god-papa
+for Gustavus James,' continued she, drying her eyes as she came to the
+point, '_that_, I should say, would be worthy of you.'
+
+'But, my (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, 'I don't know Mr. (wheeze)
+Sponge, to begin with.'
+
+'That's nothing,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'he's a stranger, and you should
+call upon him.'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury sat silent, still staring at Lord Brougham, thinking how he
+pitched into him, and how sick he was when the jury, without retiring from
+the box, gave five hundred pounds damages against him.
+
+'He's a fox-hunter, too,' continued his wife; 'and you ought to be civil to
+him.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, he's as likely to (wheeze) these fifty years as
+any (puff, wheeze) man I ever looked at,' replied Jogglebury.
+
+'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'there's no saying when a
+fox-hunter may break his neck. My word! but Mrs. Slooman tells me pretty
+stories of Sloo's doings with the harriers--jumping over hurdles, and
+everything that comes in the way, and galloping along the stony lanes as if
+the wind was a snail compared to his horse. I tell you. Jog, you should
+call on this gentleman--'
+
+'Well,' replied Mr. Jogglebury.
+
+'And ask him to come and stay here,' continued Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'Perhaps he mightn't like it (puff),' replied Jogglebury. 'I don't know
+that we could (puff) entertain him as he's (wheeze) accustomed to be,'
+added he.
+
+'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'we can entertain him well enough.
+You always say fox-hunters are not ceremonious. I tell you what, Jog, you
+don't think half enough of yourself. You are far too easily set aside. My
+word! but I know some people who would give themselves pretty airs if their
+husband was chairman of a board of guardians, and trustee of I don't know
+how many of Her Majesty's turnpike roads,' Mrs. Jog here thinking of her
+sister Mrs. Springwheat, who, she used to say, had married a mere farmer.
+'I tell you, Jog, you're far too humble, you don't think half enough of
+yourself.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you don't (puff) consider that all people ain't
+(puff) fond of (wheeze) children,' observed Jogglebury, after a pause.
+'Indeed, I've (puff) observed that some (wheeze) don't like them.'
+
+'Oh, but those will be nasty little brats, like Mrs. James Wakenshaw's, or
+Mrs. Tom Cheek's. But such children as ours! such charmers! such delights!
+there isn't a man in the county, from the Lord-Lieutenant downwards, who
+wouldn't be proud--who wouldn't think it a compliment--to be asked to be
+god-papa to such children. I tell you what, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, it
+would be far better to get them rich god-papas and god-mammas than to leave
+them a whole house full of sticks.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, the (wheeze) sticks will prove very (wheeze)
+hereafter,' replied Jogglebury, bridling up at the imputation on his hobby.
+
+'I _hope_ so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, in a tone of incredulity.
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, I (wheeze) you that they will be--indeed
+(puff), I may (wheeze) say that they (puff) are. It was only the other
+(puff) day that (wheeze) Patrick O'Fogo offered me five-and-twenty (wheeze)
+shillings for my (puff) blackthorn Daniel O'Connell, which is by no means
+so (puff) good as the (wheeze) wild-cherry one, or, indeed (puff), as the
+yew-tree one that I (wheeze) out of Spankerley Park.'
+
+'I'd have taken it if I'd been you,' observed Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'But he's (puff) worth far more,' retorted Jogglebury angrily; 'why
+(wheeze) Lumpleg offered me as much for Disraeli.'
+
+'Well, I'd have taken it, too,' rejoined Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'But I should have (wheeze) spoilt my (puff) set,' replied the gibbey-stick
+man. 'S'pose any (wheeze) body was to (puff) offer me five guineas a (puff)
+piece for the (puff) pick of my (puff) collection--my (puff) Wellingtons,
+my (wheeze) Napoleons, my (puff) Byrons, my (wheeze) Walter Scotts, my
+(puff) Lord Johns, d'ye think I'd take it?'
+
+'I should hope so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'I should (puff) do no such thing,' snorted her husband into his frill. 'I
+should hope,' continued he, speaking slowly and solemnly, 'that a (puff)
+wise ministry will purchase the whole (puff) collection for a (wheeze)
+grateful nation, when the (wheeze)' something 'is no more (wheeze).' The
+concluding words being lost in the emotion of the speaker (as the reporters
+say).
+
+'Well, but will you go and call on Mr. Sponge, dear?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, anxious as well to turn the subject as to make good her original
+point.
+
+'Well, my dear, I've no objection,' replied Joggle, wiping a tear from the
+corner of his eye with his coat-cuff.
+
+'That's a good soul!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury soothingly. 'Go to-morrow,
+like a nice, sensible man.'
+
+'Very well,' replied her now complacent spouse.
+
+'And ask him to come here,' continued she.
+
+'I can't (puff) ask him to (puff) come, my dear (wheeze), until he
+(puff--wheeze) returns my (puff) call.'
+
+'Oh, fiddle,' replied his wife, 'you always say fox-hunters never stand
+upon ceremony; why should you stand upon any with him?'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury was posed, and sat silent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+THE DISCOMFITED DIPLOMATIST
+
+
+Well, then, as we said before, when one door shuts another opens; and just
+as Mr. Puffington's door was closing on poor Mr. Sponge, who should cast up
+but our newly introduced friend, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey. Mr. Sponge was
+sitting in solitary state in the fine drawing-room, studying his old friend
+_Mogg_, calculating what he could ride from Spur Street, Leicester Square,
+by Short's Gardens, and across Waterloo Bridge, to the Elephant and Castle
+for, when the grinding of a vehicle on the gravelled ring attracted his
+attention. Looking out of the window, he saw a horse's head in a faded-red,
+silk-fronted bridle, with the letters 'J.C.' on the winkers; not 'J.C.'
+writhing in the elegant contortions of modern science, but 'J.C.' in the
+good, plain, matter-of-fact characters we have depicted above.
+
+'That'll be the doctor,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he resumed his
+reading and calculations, amidst a peal of the door-bell, well calculated
+to arouse the whole house. 'He's a good un to ring!' added he, looking up
+and wondering when the last lingering tinkle would cease.
+
+Before the fact was ascertained, there was a hurried tramp of feet past the
+drawing-room door, and presently the entrance one opened and let in--a rush
+of wind.
+
+'Is Mr. Sponge at home?' demanded a slow, pompous-speaking, deep-toned
+voice, evidently from the vehicle.
+
+'Yez-ur,' was the immediate answer.
+
+'Who can that be?' exclaimed Sponge, pocketing his _Mogg_.
+
+Then there was a creaking of springs and a jingling against iron steps, and
+presently a high-blowing, heavy-stepping body was heard crossing the
+entrance-hall, while an out-stripping footman announced Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, leaving the owner to follow his name at his leisure.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury had insisted on Jog putting on his new black frock--a very
+long coat, fitting like a sack, with the well-filled pockets bagging
+behind, like a poor man's dinner wallet. In lieu of the shrunk and darned
+white moleskins, receding in apparent disgust from the dingy tops, he had
+got his nether man enveloped in a pair of fine cinnamon-coloured tweeds,
+with broad blue stripes down the sides, and shaped out over the clumsy
+foot.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOGGLEBURY INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO MR. SPONGE]
+
+Puff, wheeze, puff, he now came waddling and labouring along, hat in hand,
+hurrying after the servant; puff, wheeze, puff, and he found himself in the
+room. 'Your servant, sir,' said he, sticking himself out behind, and
+addressing Mr. Sponge, making a ground sweep with his woolly hat.
+
+'_Yours_,' said Mr. Sponge, with a similar bow.
+
+'Fine day (puff--wheeze),' observed Mr. Jogglebury, blowing into his large
+frill.
+
+'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge, adding, 'won't you be seated?'
+
+'How's Puffington?' gasped our visitor, sousing himself upon one of the
+rosewood chairs in a way that threatened destruction to the slender fabric.
+
+'Oh, he's pretty middling, _I_ should say,' replied Sponge, now making up
+his mind that he was addressing the doctor.
+
+'Pretty middlin' (puff),' repeated Jogglebury, blowing into his frill;
+'pretty middlin' (wheeze); I s'pose that means he's got a (puff) gumboil.
+My third (wheeze) girl, Margaret Henrietta has one.'
+
+'Do you want to see him?' asked Sponge, after a pause, which seemed to
+indicate that his friend's conversation had come to a period, or full stop.
+
+'No,' replied Jogglebury unconcernedly. 'No; I'll leave a (puff) card for
+him (wheeze),' added he, fumbling in his wallet behind for his card-case.
+'My (puff) object is to pay my (wheeze) respects to you,' observed he,
+drawing a great carved Indian case from his pocket, and pulling off the top
+with a noise like the drawing of a cork.
+
+'Much obliged for the compliment,' observed Mr. Sponge, as Jogglebury
+fumbled and broke his nails in attempting to get a card out.
+
+'Do you stay long in this part of the world?' asked he, as at last he
+succeeded, and commenced tapping the corners of the card on the table.
+
+'I really don't know,' replied Mr. Sponge, as the particulars of his
+situation flashed across his mind. Could this pudding-headed man be a chap
+Puffington had got to come and sound him, thought he.
+
+Jogglebury sat silent for a time, examining his feet attentively as if to
+see they were pairs, and scrutinizing the bags of his cinnamon-coloured
+trousers.
+
+'I was going to say (hem--cough--hem),' at length observed he, looking up,
+'that's to say, I was thinking (hem--wheeze--cough--hem), or rather I
+should say, Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey sent me to say--I mean to say,'
+continued he, stamping one of his ponderous feet against the floor as if to
+force out his words, 'Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey and I would be glad--happy,
+that's to say (hem)--if you would arrange (hem) to (wheeze) pay us a visit
+(hem).'
+
+'Most happy, I'm sure!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, jumping at the offer.
+
+'Before you go (hem),' continued our visitor, taking up the sentence where
+Sponge had interrupted him; 'I (hem) live about nine miles (hem) from here
+(hem).'
+
+'Are there any hounds in your neighbourhood?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied Mr. Jogglebury slowly; 'Mr. Puffington here draws up to
+Greatacre Gorse within a few (puff--wheeze) miles--say, three (puff)--of my
+(wheeze) house; and Sir Harry Scattercash (puff) hunts all the
+(puff--wheeze) country below, right away down to the (puff--wheeze) sea.'
+
+'Well, you're a devilish good fellow!' exclaimed Sponge; 'and I'll tell you
+what, as I'm sure you mean what you say, I'll take you at your word and go
+at once; and that'll give our friend here time to come round.'
+
+'Oh, but (puff--wheeze--gasp),' started Mr. Jogglebury, the blood rushing
+to his great yellow, whiskerless cheeks, 'I'm not quite (gasp) sure that
+Mrs. (gasp) Jogglebury (puff) Crowdey would be (puff--wheeze--gasp)
+prepared.'
+
+'Oh, _hang_ preparation!' interrupted Mr. Sponge. 'I'll take you as you
+are. Never mind me. I hate being made company of. Just treat me like one of
+yourselves; toad-in-the-hole, dog-in-the-blanket, beef-steaks and
+oyster-sauce, rabbits and onions--anything; nothing comes amiss to me.'
+
+So saying, and while Jogglebury sat purple and unable to articulate, Mr.
+Sponge applied his hand to the ivory bell-knob and sounded an imposing
+peal. Mr. Jogglebury sat wondering what was going to happen, and thinking
+what a wigging he would get from Mrs. J. if he didn't manage to shake off
+his friend. Above all, he recollected that they had nothing but haddocks
+and hashed mutton for dinner.
+
+'Tell Leather I want him,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of authority, as the
+footman answered the summons; then, turning to his guest, as the man was
+leaving the room, he said, 'Won't you take something after your drive--cold
+meat, glass of sherry, soda-water, bottled porter--anything in that line?'
+
+In an ordinary way, Jogglebury would have said, 'if you please,' at the
+sound of the words 'cold meat,' for he was a dead hand at luncheon; but the
+fix he was in completely took away his appetite, and he sat wheezing and
+thinking whether to make another effort, or to wait the arrival of Leather.
+
+Presently Leather appeared, jean-jacketed and gaitered, smoothing his hair
+over his forehead, after the manner of the brotherhood.
+
+'Leather,' said Mr. Sponge, in the same tone of importance, 'I'm going to
+this gentleman's'; for as yet he had not sufficiently mastered the name to
+be able to venture upon it in the owner's presence. 'Leather, I'm going to
+this gentleman's, and I want you to bring me a horse over in the morning;
+or stay,' said he, interrupting himself, and, turning to Jogglebury, he
+exclaimed, 'I dare say you could manage to put me up a couple of horses,
+couldn't you? and then we should be all cosy and jolly together, you know.'
+
+''Pon my word,' gasped Jogglebury nearly choked by the proposal; ''pon my
+word, I can hardly (puff) say, I hardly (wheeze) know, but if you'll
+(puff--wheeze) allow me, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll (puff--wheeze)
+home, and see what I can (puff) do in the way of entertainment for
+(puff--wheeze) man as well as for (puff--wheeze) horse.'
+
+'Oh, _thank you_, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Sponge, seeing the intended
+dodge; '_thank you_, my dear fellow!' repeated he; 'but that's giving you
+too much trouble--_far_ too much trouble!--couldn't think of such a
+thing--no, indeed, I couldn't. _I'll_ tell you what we'll do--_I'll_ tell
+you what we'll do. You shall drive me over in that shandrydan-rattle-trap
+thing of yours'--Sponge looking out of the window, as he spoke, at the
+queer-shaped, jumped-together, lack-lustre-looking vehicle, with a
+turnover seat behind, now in charge of a pepper-and-salt attired youth,
+with a shabby hat, looped up by a thin silver cord to an acorn on the
+crown, and baggy Berlin gloves--'and I'll just see what there is in the way
+of stabling; and if I think it will do, then I'll give a boy sixpence or a
+shilling to come over to Leather, here,' jerking his head towards his
+factotum; 'if it won't do, why then--'
+
+'We shall want _three_ stalls, sir--recollect, sir, 'interrupted Leather,
+who did not wish to move his quarters.
+
+'True, I forgot,' replied Sponge, with a frown at his servant's
+officiousness; 'however, if we can get two good stalls for the hunters,'
+said he, 'we'll manage the hack somehow or other.'
+
+'Well,' replied Mr. Leather, in a tone of resignation, knowing how hopeless
+it was arguing with his master.
+
+'I really think,' gasped Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, encouraged by the apparent
+sympathy of the servant to make a last effort, 'I really think,' repeated
+he, as the hashed mutton and haddocks again flashed across his mind, 'that
+my (puff--wheeze) plan is the (puff) best; let me (puff--wheeze) home and
+see how all (puff--wheeze) things are, and then I'll write you a
+(puff--wheeze) line, or send a (puff--wheeze) servant over.'
+
+'Oh no,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no--that's far too much trouble. I'll just
+go over with you now and reconnoitre.'
+
+'I'm afraid Mrs. (puff--wheeze) Crowdey will hardly be prepared for
+(puff--wheeze) visitors,' ejaculated our friend, recollecting it was
+washing-day, and that Mary Ann would be wanted in the laundry.
+
+'Don't mention it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'don't mention it. I hate to be
+made company of. Just give me what you have yourselves--just give me what
+you have yourselves. Where two can dine, three can dine, you know.'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was nonplussed.
+
+'Well, now,' said Mr. Sponge, turning again to Leather; 'just go upstairs
+and help me to pack up my things; and,' addressing himself to our visitor,
+he said, 'perhaps you'll amuse yourself with the paper--the _Post_--or
+I'll lend you my _Mogg_,' continued he, offering the little gilt-lettered,
+purple-backed volume as he spoke.
+
+'Thank'ee,' replied Mr. Jogglebury, who was still tapping away at the card,
+which he had now worked very soft.
+
+Mr. Sponge then left him with the volume in his hand, and proceeded
+upstairs to his bedroom.
+
+In less than twenty minutes, the vehicle was got under way, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey and Mr. Sponge occupying the roomy seats in front, and Bartholomew
+Badger, the before-mentioned tiger, and Mr. Sponge's portmanteau and
+carpet-bag, being in the very diminutive turnover seat behind. The carriage
+was followed by the straining eyes of sundry Johns and Janes, who
+unanimously agreed that Mr. Sponge was the meanest, shabbiest gent they had
+ever had in _their_ house. Mr. Leather was, therefore, roasted in the
+servants' hall, where the sins of the masters are oft visited upon the
+servants.
+
+But to our travellers.
+
+Little conversation passed between our friends for the first few miles,
+for, in addition to the road being rough, the driving-seat was so high, and
+the other so low, that Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's parables broke against Mr.
+Sponge's hat-crown, instead of dropping into his ear; besides which, the
+unwilling host's mind was a good deal occupied with wishing that there had
+been three haddocks instead of two, and speculating whether Mrs. Crowdey
+would be more pleased at the success of his mission, or put out of her way
+by Mr. Sponge's unexpected coming. Above all, he had marked some very
+promising-looking sticks--two blackthorns and a holly--to cut on his way
+home, and he was intent on not missing them. So sudden was the jerk that
+announced his coming on the first one, as nearly to throw the old family
+horse on his knees, and almost to break Mr. Sponge's nose against the brass
+edge of the cocked-up splash-board. Ere Mr. Sponge recovered his
+equilibrium, the whip was in the case, the reins dangling about the old
+screw's heels, and Mr. Crowdey scrambling up a steep bank to where a very
+thick boundary-hedge shut out the view of the adjacent country. Presently,
+chop, chop, chop, was heard, from Mr. Crowdey's pocket axe, with a
+tug--wheeze--puff from himself; next a crash of separation; and then the
+purple-faced Mr. Crowdey came bearing down the bank dragging a great
+blackthorn bush after him.
+
+'What have you got there?' inquired Mr. Sponge, with surprise.
+
+'Got! (wheeze--puff--wheeze),' replied Mr. Crowdey, pulling up short, and
+mopping his perspiring brow with a great claret-coloured bandana. 'Got!
+I've (puff--wheeze) got what I (wheeze) think will (puff) into a most
+elaborate and (wheeze) valuable walking-stick. This I (puff) think,'
+continued he, eyeing the great ball with which he had got it up, 'will
+(wheeze) come in most valuably (puff) for my great (puff--wheeze--gasp)
+national undertaking--the (puff) Kings and (wheeze) Queens of Great Britain
+(gasp).'
+
+'What are _they_?' asked Mr. Sponge, astonished at his vehemence.
+
+'Oh! (puff--wheeze--gasp) haven't you heard?' exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury,
+taking off his great woolly hat, and giving his lank, dark hair, streaked
+with grey, a sweep round his low forehead with the bandana. 'Oh!
+(puff--gasp) haven't you heard?' repeated he, getting a little more
+breath. 'I'm (wheeze) undertaking a series of (gasp) sticks,
+representing--(gasp)--immortalizing, I may say (puff), all the (wheeze)
+crowned heads of England (puff).'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'They'll be a most valuable collection (wheeze--puff),' continued Mr.
+Jogglebury, still eyeing the knob. 'This,' added he, 'shall be William the
+Fourth.' He then commenced lopping and docking the sides, making
+Bartholomew Badger bury them in a sand-pit hard by, observing, in a
+confidential wheeze to Mr. Sponge, 'that he had once been county-courted
+for a similar trespass before.' The top and lop being at length disposed
+of, Mr. Crowdey, grasping the club-end, struck the other forcibly against
+the ground, exclaiming, 'There!--there's a (puff) stick! Who knows what
+that (puff--wheeze) stick may be worth some day?'
+
+He then bundled into his carriage and drove on.
+
+Two more stoppages marked their arrival at the other sticks, which being
+duly captured and fastened within the straps of the carriage-apron, Mr.
+Crowdey drove on somewhat more at ease in his mind, at all events somewhat
+comforted at the thoughts of having increased his wealth. He did not become
+talkative--indeed that was not his forte, but he puffed into his
+shirt-frill, and made a few observations, which, if they did not possess
+much originality, at all events showed that he was not asleep.
+
+'Those are draining-tiles,' said he, after a hearty stare at a cart-load.
+Then about five minutes after he blew again, and said, 'I don't think
+(puff) that (wheeze) draining without (gasp) manuring will constitute high
+farming (puff).'
+
+So he jolted and wheezed, and jerked and jagged the old quadruped's mouth,
+occasionally hissing between his teeth, and stamping against the bottom of
+the carriage, when other persuasive efforts failed to induce it to keep up
+the semblance of a trot. At last the ill-supported hobble died out into a
+walk, and Mr. Crowdey, complacently dropping his fat hand on his fat knees,
+seemed to resign himself to his fate.
+
+So they crawled along the up-and-downy piece of road below Poplarton
+plantations, Mr. Jogglebury keeping a sharp eye upon the underwood for
+sticks. After passing these, they commenced the gradual ascent of
+Roundington Hill, when a sudden sweep of the road brought them in view of
+the panorama of the rich Vale of Butterflower.
+
+'There's a snug-looking box,' observed Sponge, as he at length espied a
+confused jumble of gable-ends and chimney-pots rising from amidst a clump
+of Scotch firs and other trees, looking less like a farmhouse than anything
+he had seen.
+
+'That's my house (puff); that's Puddingpote Bower (wheeze),' replied
+Crowdey slowly and pompously, adding an 'e' to the syllable, to make it
+sound better, the haddocks, hashed mutton, and all the horrors of impromptu
+hospitality rushing upon his mind.
+
+Things began to look worse the nearer he got home. He didn't care to
+aggravate the old animal into a trot. He again wondered whether Mrs. J.
+would be pleased at the success of his mission, or angry at the unexpected
+coming.
+
+'Where are the stables?' asked Sponge, as he scanned the in-and-out
+irregularities of the building.
+
+'Stables (wheeze), stables (puff),' repeated Crowdey--thinking of his
+troubles--of its being washing-day, and Mary Ann, or Murry Ann, as he
+called her, the under-butler, being engaged; of Bartholomew Badger having
+the horse and fe-_a_-ton to clean, &c.--'stables,' repeated he for the
+third time; 'stables are at the back, behind, in fact; you'll see a (puff)
+vane--a (wheeze) fox, on the top.'
+
+'Ah, indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, brightening up, thinking there would be
+old hay and corn.
+
+They now came to a half-Swiss, half-Gothic little cottage of a lodge, and
+the old horse turned instinctively into the open white gate with pea-green
+bands.
+
+'Here's Mrs. Crow--Crow--Crowdey!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively, as a
+tall woman, in flare-up red and yellow stunner tartan, with a swarm of
+little children, similarly attired, suddenly appeared at an angle of the
+road, the lady handling a great alpaca umbrella-looking parasol in the
+stand-and-deliver style.
+
+'What's kept you?' exclaimed she, as the vehicle got within ear-shot.
+'What's kept you?' repeated she, in a sharper key, holding her parasol
+across the road, but taking no notice of our friend Sponge, who, in truth,
+she took for Edgebone, the butcher. 'Oh! you've been after your sticks,
+have you?' added she, as her spouse drew the vehicle up alongside of her,
+and she caught the contents of the apron-straps.
+
+'My dear (puff)' gasped her husband, 'I've brought Mr. (wheeze) Sponge,'
+said he, winking his right eye, and jerking his head over his left
+shoulder, looking very frightened all the time. 'Mr. (puff) Sponge, Mrs.
+(gasp) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,' continued he, motioning with his hand.
+
+Finding himself in the presence of his handsome hostess, Sponge made her
+one of his best bows, and offered to resign his seat in the carriage to
+her. This she declined, alleging that she had the children with
+her--looking round on the grinning, gaping group, the majority of them with
+their mouths smeared with lollipops. Crowdey, who was not so stupid as he
+looked, was nettled at Sponge's attempting to fix his wife upon him at
+such a critical moment, and immediately retaliated with, 'P'raps (puff)
+you'd like to (puff) out and (wheeze) walk.'
+
+There was no help for this, and Sponge having alighted, Mr. Crowdey said,
+half to Mr. Sponge and half to his fine wife, 'Then (puff--wheeze) I'll
+just (puff) on and get Mr. (wheeze) Sponge's room ready.' So saying, he
+gave the old nag a hearty jerk with the bit, and two or three longitudinal
+cuts with the knotty-pointed whip, and jingled away with a bevy of children
+shouting, hanging on, and dragging behind, amidst exclamations from Mrs.
+Crowdey, of 'O Anna Maria! Juliana Jane! O Frederick James, you naughty
+boy! you'll spoil your new shoes! Archibald John, you'll be kilt! you'll be
+run over to a certainty. O Jogglebury, you inhuman man!' continued she,
+running and brandishing her alpaca parasol, 'you'll run over your children!
+you'll run over your children!'
+
+'My (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, looking coolly over his shoulder,'
+how can they be (wheeze) run over behind?'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+So saying Jogglebury ground away at his leisure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+PUDDINGPOTE BOWER, THE SEAT OF JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY, ESQ.
+
+
+'Your good husband,' observed Mr. Sponge as he now overtook his hostess and
+proceeded with her towards the house, 'has insisted upon bringing me over
+to spend a few days till my friend Puffington recovers. He's just got the
+gout. I said I was 'fraid it mightn't be quite convenient to you, but Mr.
+Crowdey assured me you were in the habit of receivin' fox-hunters at short
+notice; and so I have taken him at his word, you see, and come.'
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who was still out of wind from her run after the carriage,
+assured him that she was extremely happy to see him, though she couldn't
+help thinking what a noodle Jog was to bring a stranger on a washing-day.
+That, however, was a point she would reserve for Jog.
+
+Just then a loud outburst from the children announced the approach of the
+eighth wonder of the world, in the person of Gustavus James in the nurse's
+arms, with a curly blue feather nodding over his nose. Mrs. Jogglebury's
+black eyes brightened with delight as she ran forward to meet him; and in
+her mind's eye she saw him inheriting a splendid mansion, with a retinue of
+powdered footmen in pea-green liveries and broad gold-laced hats.
+Great--prospectively great, at least--as had been her successes in the
+sponsor line with her other children, she really thought, getting Mr.
+Sponge for a god-papa for Gustavus James eclipsed all her other doings.
+
+Mr. Sponge, having been liberal in his admiration of the other children, of
+course could not refuse unbounded applause to the evident object of a
+mother's regards; and, chucking the young gentleman under his double chin,
+asked him how he was, and said something about something he had in his
+'box,' alluding to a paper of cheap comfits he had bought at Sugarchalk's,
+the confectioner's, sale in Oxford Street, and which he carried about for
+contingencies like the present. This pleased Mrs. Crowdey--looking, as she
+thought, as if he had come predetermined to do what she wanted. Amidst
+praises and stories of the prodigy, they reached the house.
+
+If a 'hall' means a house with an entrance-'hall,' Puddingpote Bower did
+not aspire to be one. A visitor dived, _in medias res_, into the passage at
+once. In it stood an oak-cased family clock, and a large glass-case, with
+an alarming-looking, stuffed tiger-like cat, on an imitation marble slab.
+Underneath the slab, indeed all about the passage, were scattered
+children's hats and caps, hoops, tops, spades, and mutilated toys--spotted
+horses without heads, soldiers without arms, windmills without sails, and
+wheelbarrows without wheels. In a corner were a bunch of 'gibbeys' in the
+rough, and alongside the weather-glass hung Jog's formidable flail of a
+hunting-whip.
+
+Mr. Sponge found his portmanteau standing bolt upright in the passage, with
+the bag alongside of it, just as they had been chucked out of the phaeton
+by Bartholomew Badger, who, having got orders to put the horse right, and
+then to put himself right to wait at dinner, Mr. Jogglebury proceeded to
+vociferate:
+
+'Murry Ann!--Murry Ann!' in such a way that Mary Ann thought either that
+the cat had got young Crowdey, or the house was on fire. 'Oh! Murry Ann!'
+exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury, as she came darting into the passage from the
+back settlements, up to the elbows in soap-suds; 'I want you to (puff)
+upstairs with me, and help to get my (wheeze) gibbey-sticks out of the best
+room; there's a (puff) gentleman coming to (wheeze) here.'
+
+'Oh, indeed, sir,' replied Mary Ann, smiling, and dropping down her
+sleeves--glad to find it was no worse.
+
+They then proceeded upstairs together.
+
+All the gibbey-sticks were bundled out, both the finished ones, that were
+varnished and laid away carefully in the wardrobe, and those that were
+undergoing surgical treatment, in the way of twistings, and bendings, and
+tyings in the closets. As they routed them out of hole and corner,
+Jogglebury kept up a sort of running recommendation to mercy, mingled with
+an inquiry into the state of the household affairs.
+
+'Now (puff), Murry Ann!' exclaimed he; 'take care you don't scratch that
+(puff) Franky Burdett,' handing her a highly varnished oak stick, with the
+head of Sir Francis for a handle; 'and how many (gasp) haddocks d'ye say
+there are in the house?'
+
+'Three, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Three!' repeated he, with an emphasis. 'I thought your (gasp) missus told
+me there were but (puff) two; and, Murry Ann, you must put the new (puff)
+quilt on the (gasp) bed, and (puff) just look under it (gasp) and you'll
+find the (puff) old Truro rolled up in a dirty (puff) pocket hankercher;
+and, Murry Ann, d'ye think the new (wheeze) purtaters came that I bought of
+(puff) Billy Bloxom? If so, you'd better (puff) some for dinner, and get
+the best (wheeze) decanters out; and, Murry Ann, there are two gibbeys on
+the (puff) surbase at the back of the bed, which you may as well (puff)
+away. Ah! here he is,' added Mr. Jogglebury, as Mr. Sponge's voice rose now
+from the passage into the room above.
+
+Things now looked pretty promising. Mr. Sponge's attentions to the children
+generally, and to Gustavus James in particular, coupled with his
+free-and-easy mode of introducing himself, made Mrs. Crowdey feel far more
+at her ease with regard to entertaining him than she would have done if her
+neighbour, Mr. Makepeace, or the Rev. Mr. Facey himself, had dropped in to
+take 'pot luck,' as they called it. With either of these she would have
+wished to appear as if their every-day form was more in accordance with
+their company style, whereas Jog and she wanted to get something out of Mr.
+Sponge, instead of electrifying him with their grandeur. That Gustavus
+James was destined for greatness she had not the least doubt. She began to
+think whether it might not be advisable to call him Gustavus James Sponge.
+Jog, too, was comforted at hearing there were three haddocks, for though
+hospitably inclined, he did not at all like the idea of being on short
+commons himself. He had sufficient confidence in Mrs. Jogglebury's
+management--especially as the guest was of her own seeking--to know that
+she would make up a tolerable dinner.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nor was he out of his reckoning, for at half-past five Bartholomew
+announced dinner, when in sailed Mrs. Crowdey fresh from the composition of
+it and from the becoming revision of her own dress. Instead of the loose,
+flowing, gipsified, stunner tartan of the morning, she was attired in a
+close-fitting French grey silk, showing as well the fulness and whiteness
+of her exquisite bust, as the beautiful formation of her arms. Her raven
+hair was ably parted and flattened on either side of her well-shaped head.
+Sponge felt proud of the honour of having such a fine creature on his arm,
+and kicked about in his tights more than usual.
+
+The dinner, though it might show symptoms of hurry, was yet plentiful and
+good of its kind; and if Bartholomew had not been always getting in Murry
+Ann's way, would have been well set on and served. Jog quaffed quantities
+of foaming bottled porter during the progress of it, and threw himself
+back in his chair at the end, as if thoroughly overcome with his exertions.
+Scarcely were the wine and dessert set on, ere a violent outbreak in the
+nursery caused Mrs. Crowdey to hurry away, leaving Mr. Sponge to enjoy the
+company of her husband.
+
+'You'll drink (puff) fox-hunting, I s'pose,' observed Jog after a pause,
+helping himself to a bumper of port and passing the bottle to Sponge.
+
+'With all my heart,' replied our hero, filling up.
+
+'Fine (puff, wheeze) amusement,' observed Mr. Crowdey, with a yawn after
+another pause, and beating the devil's tattoo upon the table to keep
+himself awake.
+
+'Very,' replied Mr. Sponge, wondering how such a thick-winded chap as Jog
+managed to partake of it.
+
+'Fine (puff, wheeze) appetizer,' observed Jogglebury, after another pause.
+
+'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+Presently Jog began to snore, and as the increasing melody of his nose gave
+little hopes of returning animation, Mr. Sponge had recourse to his old
+friend _Mogg_ and amidst speculations as to time and distances, managed to
+finish the port. We will now pass to the next morning.
+
+Whatever deficiency there might be at dinner was amply atoned for at
+breakfast, which was both good and abundant; bread and cake of all sorts,
+eggs, muffins, toast, honey, jellies, and preserves without end. On the
+side-table was a dish of hot kidneys and a magnificent red home-fed ham.
+
+But a greater treat far, as Mrs. Jogglebury thought, was in the guests set
+around. There were arranged all her tulips in succession, beginning with
+that greatest of all wonders, Gustavus James, and running on with Anna
+Maria, Frederick John, Juliana Jane, Margaret Henrietta, Sarah Amelia, down
+to Peter William, the heir, who sat next his pa. These formed a close line
+on the side of the table opposite the fire, that side being left for Mr.
+Sponge. All the children had clean pinafores on, and their hairs plastered
+according to nursery regulation. Mr. Sponge's appearance was a signal for
+silence, and they all sat staring at him in mute astonishment. Baby,
+Gustavus James, did more; for after reconnoitring him through a sort of
+lattice window formed of his fingers, he whined out, 'Who's that ogl-e-y
+man, ma?' amidst the titter of the rest of the line.
+
+'Hush! my dear,' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, hoping Mr. Sponge hadn't heard.
+But Gustavus James was not to be put down, and he renewed the charge as his
+mamma began pouring out the tea.
+
+'Send that ogl-e-y man away, ma!' whined he, in a louder tone, at which all
+the children burst out a-laughing.
+
+'Baby (puff), Gustavus! (wheeze),' exclaimed Jog, knocking with the handle
+of his knife against the table, and frowning at the prodigy.
+
+'Well, pa, he _is_ a ogl-e-y man,' replied the child, amid the
+ill-suppressed laughter of the rest.
+
+'Ah, but what have _I_ got!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, producing a gaudily
+done-up paper of comfits from his pocket, opening and distributing the
+unwholesome contents along the line, stopping the orator's mouth first with
+a great, red-daubed, almond comfit.
+
+Breakfast was then proceeded with without further difficulty. As it drew to
+a close, and Mr. Sponge began nibbling at the sweets instead of continuing
+his attack on the solids, Mrs. Jogglebury began eyeing and telegraphing her
+husband.
+
+'Jog, my dear,' said she, looking significantly at him, and then at the
+egg-stand, which still contained three eggs.
+
+'Well, my dear,' replied Jog, with a vacant stare, pretending not to
+understand.
+
+'You'd better eat them,' said she, looking again at the eggs.
+
+'I've (puff) breakfasted, my (wheeze) dear,' replied Jog pompously, wiping
+his mouth on his claret-coloured bandana.
+
+'They'll be wasted if you don't,' replied Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Well, but they'll be wasted if I eat them without (wheeze) wanting them,'
+rejoined he.
+
+'Nonsense, Jog, you always say that,' retorted his wife. 'Nonsense (puff),
+nonsense (wheeze), I say they _will_.'
+
+'I say they _won't_!' replied Mrs. Jog; 'now will they, Mr. Sponge?'
+continued she, appealing to our friend.
+
+'Why, no, not so much as if they went out,' replied our friend, thinking
+Mrs. Jog was the one to side with.
+
+'Then you'd better (puff, wheeze, gasp) eat them between you,' replied Jog,
+getting up and strutting out of the room.
+
+Presently he appeared in front of the house, crowned in a pea-green
+wide-awake, with a half-finished gibbey in his hand; and as Mr. Sponge did
+not want to offend him, and moreover wanted to get his horses billeted on
+him, he presently made an excuse for joining him.
+
+Although his horses were standing 'free gratis,' as he called it, at Mr.
+Puffington's, and though he would have thought nothing of making Mr.
+Leather come over with one each hunting morning, still he felt that if the
+hounds were much on the other side of Puddingpote Bower, it would not be so
+convenient as having them there. Despite the egg controversy, he thought a
+judicious application of soft sawder might accomplish what he wanted. At
+all events, he would try.
+
+Jog had brought himself short up, and was standing glowering with his hands
+in his coat-pockets, as if he had never seen the place before.
+
+'Pretty look-out you have here, Mr. Jogglebury,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+joining him.
+
+'Very,' replied Jog, still cogitating the egg question, and thinking he
+wouldn't have so many boiled the next day.
+
+'All yours?' asked Sponge, waving his hand as he spoke.
+
+'My (puff) ter-ri-tory goes up to those (wheeze) firs in the grass-field on
+the hill,' replied Jogglebury, pompously.
+
+'Indeed,' said Mr. Sponge, 'they are fine trees'; thinking what a finish
+they would make for a steeple-chase.
+
+'My (puff) uncle, Crowdey, planted those (wheeze) trees,' observed Jog. 'I
+observe,' added he, 'that it is easier to cut down a (puff) tree than to
+make it (wheeze) again.' 'I believe you're right,' replied Mr. Sponge;
+'that idea has struck me very often.'
+
+'Has it?' replied Jog, puffing voluminously into his frill.
+
+They then advanced a few paces, and, leaning on the iron hurdles, commenced
+staring at the cows.
+
+'Where are the stables?' at last asked Sponge, seeing no inclination to
+move on the part of his host.
+
+'Stables (wheeze)--stables (puff),' replied Jogglebury, recollecting
+Sponge's previous day's proposal--'stables (wheeze) are behind,' said he,
+'at the back there (puff); nothin' to see at them (wheeze).'
+
+'There'll be the horse you drove yesterday; won't you go to see how he is?'
+asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, sure to be well (puff); never nothing the matter with him (wheeze),'
+replied Jogglebury.
+
+'May as well see,' rejoined Mr. Sponge, turning up a narrow walk that
+seemed to lead to the back.
+
+Jog followed doggedly. He had a good deal of John Bull in him, and did not
+fancy being taken possession of in that sort of way; and thought, moreover,
+that Mr. Sponge had not behaved very well in the matter of the egg
+controversy.
+
+The stables certainly were nothing to boast of. They were in an old
+rubble-stone, red-tiled building, without even the delicacy of a ceiling.
+Nevertheless, there was plenty of room even after Jogglebury had cut off
+one end for a cow-house.
+
+'Why, you might hunt the country with all this stabling,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, as he entered the low door. 'One, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine. Nine stalls, I declare,' added he, after counting them.
+
+'My (puff) uncle used to (wheeze) a good deal of his own (puff) land,'
+replied Jogglebury.
+
+'Ah, well, I'll tell you what: these stables will be much better for being
+occupied,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'And I'll tell you what I'll do for you.'
+
+'But they _are_ occupied!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively.
+
+'Only half,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'or a quarter, I may say--not even that,
+indeed. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll have my horses over here, and you
+shall find them in straw in return for the manure, and just charge me for
+hay and corn at market price, you know. That'll make it all square and
+fair, and no obligation, you know. I hate obligations,' added he, eyeing
+Jog's disconcerted face.
+
+'Oh, but (puff, wheeze, gasp)--' exclaimed Jogglebury, reddening up--'I
+don't (puff) know that I can (gasp) that. I mean (puff) that this (wheeze)
+stable is all the (gasp) 'commodation I have; and if we had (puff) company,
+or (gasp) anything of that sort, I don't know where we should (wheeze)
+their horses,' continued he. 'Besides, I don't (puff, wheeze) know about
+the market price of (gasp) corn. My (wheeze) tenant, Tom Hayrick, at the
+(puff) farm on the (wheeze) hill yonder, supplies me with the (puff)
+quantity I (wheeze) want, and we just (puff, wheeze, gasp) settle once a
+(puff) half-year, or so.'
+
+'Ah, I see,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'you mean to say you wouldn't know how to
+strike the average so as to say what I ought to pay.'
+
+'Just so,' rejoined Mr. Jogglebury, jumping at the idea.
+
+'Ah, well,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of indifference; 'it's no great
+odds--it's no great odds--more the name of the thing than anything else;
+one likes to be independent, you know--one likes to be independent; but as
+I shan't be with you long, I'll just put up with it for once--I'll just put
+up with it for once--and let you find me--and let you find me.' So saying,
+he walked away, leaving Jogglebury petrified at his impudence.
+
+'That husband of yours is a monstrous good fellow,' observed Mr. Sponge to
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who he now met coming out with her tail: 'he _will_ insist
+on my having my horses over here--most liberal, handsome thing of him, I'm
+sure; and that reminds me, can you manage to put up my servant?'
+
+'I dare say we can,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury thoughtfully. 'He's not a very
+fine gentleman, is he?' asked she, knowing that servants were often more
+difficult to please than their masters. 'Oh, not at all,' replied Sponge;
+'not at all--wouldn't suit me if he was--wouldn't suit me if he was.'
+
+Just then up waddled Jogglebury, puffing and wheezing like a stranded
+grampus; the idea having just struck him that he might get off on the plea
+of not having room for the servant.
+
+'It's very unfortunate (wheeze)--that's to say, it never occurred to me
+(puff), but I quite forgot (gasp) that we haven't (wheeze) room for your
+(puff) servant.'
+
+'Ah, you are a good fellow,' replied Mr. Sponge--'a devilish good fellow. I
+was just telling Mrs. Jogglebury--wasn't I, Mrs. Jogglebury?--what an
+excellent fellow you are, and how kind you'd been about the horses and
+corn, and all that sort of thing, when it occurred to me that it mightn't
+be convenient, p'raps to put up a servant; but your wife assures me that it
+will; so that settles the matter, you know--that settles the matter and
+I'll now send for the horses forthwith.'
+
+Jog was utterly disconcerted, and didn't know which way to turn for an
+excuse. Mrs. Jogglebury, though she would rather have been without the
+establishment, did not like to peril Gustavus James's prospects by
+appearing displeased; so she smilingly said she would see and do what they
+could.
+
+Mr. Sponge then procured a messenger to take a note to Hanby House, for Mr.
+Leather, and having written it, amused himself for a time with his cigars
+and his _Mogg_ in his bedroom, and then turned out to see the stable got
+ready, and pick up any information about the hounds, or anything else, from
+anybody he could lay hold of. As luck would have it, he fell in with a
+groom travelling a horse to hunt with Sir Harry Scattercash's hounds,
+which, he said, met at Snobston Green, some eight or nine miles off, the
+next day, and whither Mr. Sponge decided on going.
+
+Mr. Jogglebury's equanimity returning at dinner time, Mr. Sponge was
+persuasive enough to induce him to accompany him, and it was finally
+arranged that Leather should go on with the horses, and Jog should drive
+Sponge to cover in the phe-_a_-ton.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+A FAMILY BREAKFAST ON A HUNTING MORNING
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a good deal disconcerted at Gustavus James's
+irreverence to his intended god-papa, and did her best, both by promises
+and entreaties, to bring him to a more becoming state of mind. She promised
+him abundance of good things if he would astonish Mr. Sponge with some of
+his wonderful stories, and expatiated on Mr. Sponge's goodness in bringing
+him the nice comfits, though Mrs. Jogglebury could not but in her heart
+blame them for some little internal inconvenience the wonder had
+experienced during the night. However, she brought him to breakfast in
+pretty good form, where he was cocked up in his high chair beside his
+mamma, the rest of the infantry occupying the position of the previous day,
+all under good-behaviour orders.
+
+Unfortunately, Mr. Sponge, not having been able to get himself up to his
+satisfaction, was late in coming down; and when he did make his appearance,
+the unusual sight of a man in a red coat, a green tie, a blue vest, brown
+boots, &c., completely upset their propriety, and deranged the order of the
+young gentleman's performance. Mr. Sponge, too, conscious that he was late,
+was more eager for his breakfast than anxious to be astonished; so, what
+with repressing the demands of the youngster, watching that the others did
+not break loose, and getting Jog and Mr. Sponge what they wanted, Mrs.
+Crowdey had her hands full. At last, having got them set a-going, she took
+a lump of sugar out of the basin, and showing it to the wonder, laid it
+beside her plate, whispering 'Now, my beauty!' into his ear, as she
+adjusted him in his chair. The child, who had been wound up like a musical
+snuff-box, then went off as follows:
+
+    'Bah, bah, back sheep, have 'ou any 'ool?
+    Ess, marry, have I, three bags full;
+    Un for ye master, un for ye dame,
+    Un for ye 'ittle boy 'ot 'uns about ye 'are.'
+
+But unfortunately, Mr. Sponge was busy with his breakfast, and the prodigy
+wasted his sweetness on the desert air.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who had sat listening in ecstasies, saw the offended eye
+and pouting lip of the boy, and attempted to make up with exclamations of
+'That _is_ a clever fellow! That _is_ a wonder!' at the same time showing
+him the sugar.
+
+'A little more (puff) tea, my (wheeze) dear,' said Jogglebury, thrusting
+his great cup up the table.
+
+'Hush! Jog, hush!' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, holding up her forefinger, and
+looking significantly first at him, and then at the urchin.
+
+'Now, "Obin and Ichard," my darling,' continued she, addressing herself
+coaxingly to Gustavus James.
+
+'No, _not_ "Obin and Ichard,"' replied the child peevishly.
+
+'Yes, my darling, _do_, that's a treasure.'
+
+'Well, _my_ (puff) darling, give me some (wheeze) tea,' interposed
+Jogglebury, knocking with his knuckles on the table.
+
+'Oh dear. Jog, you and your tea!--you're always wanting tea,' replied Mrs.
+Jogglebury snappishly.
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you forget that Mr. (wheeze) Sponge and I have
+to be at (puff) Snobston Green at a (wheeze) quarter to eleven, and it's
+good twelve (gasp) miles off.'
+
+'Well, but it'll not take you long to get there,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury;
+'will it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she, again appealing to our friend.
+
+'Sure I don't know,' replied Sponge, eating away; 'Mr. Crowdey finds
+conveyance--I only find company.'
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey then prepared to pour her husband out another cup
+of tea, and the musical snuff-box, being now left to itself, went off of
+its own accord with:
+
+    'Diddle, diddle, doubt,
+    My candle's out.
+    My 'ittle dame's not at 'ome--
+    So saddle my hog, and bridle my dog'
+    And bring my 'ittle dame 'ome.'
+
+A poem that in the original programme was intended to come in after 'Obin
+and Ichard,' which was to be the _chef-d'oeuvre_.
+
+Mrs. Jog was delighted, and found herself pouring the tea into the
+sugar-basin instead of into Jog's cup.
+
+Mr. Sponge, too, applauded. 'Well, that _was_ very clever,' said he,
+filling his mouth with cold ham.
+
+'"Saddle my dog, and bridle my hog"--I'll trouble you for another cup of
+tea,' addressing Mrs. Crowdey.
+
+'No, not "saddle my dog," sil-l-e-y man!' drawled the child, making a pet
+lip: '"saddle my _hog_."'
+
+'Oh! "saddle my hog," was it?' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise;
+'I thought it was "saddle my dog." I'll trouble you for the sugar, Mrs.
+Jogglebury'; adding, 'you have devilish good cream here; how many cows have
+you?'
+
+'Cows (puff), cows (wheeze)?' replied Jogglebury; 'how many cows?' repeated
+he.
+
+'Oh, _two_,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury tartly, vexed at the interruption.
+
+'Pardon me (puff),' replied Jogglebury slowly and solemnly, with a full
+blow into his frill; 'pardon me, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,
+but there are _three_ (wheeze).'
+
+'Not in milk. Jog--not in milk,' retorted Mrs. Crowdey.
+
+'Three cows, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey, notwithstanding,'
+rejoined our host.
+
+'Well; but when people talk of cream, and ask how many cows you have, they
+mean in milk, _Mister_ Jogglebury Crowdey.'
+
+'Not necessarily. Mistress Jogglebury Crowdey,' replied the pertinacious
+Jog, with another heavy snort. 'Ah, now you're coming your fine poor-law
+guardian knowledge,' rejoined his wife. Jog was chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Union.
+
+While this was going on, young hopeful was sitting cocked up in his high
+chair, evidently mortified at the want of attention.
+
+Mrs. Crowdey saw how things were going, and turning from the cow question,
+endeavoured to re-engage him in his recitations.
+
+'Now, my angel!' exclaimed she, again showing him the sugar; 'tell us about
+"Obin and Ichard."'
+
+'No--not "Obin and Ichard,"' pouted the child.
+
+'Oh yes, my sweet, _do_, that's a good child; the gentleman in the pretty
+coat, who gives baby the nice things, wants to hear it.'
+
+'Come, out with it, young man!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, now putting a large
+piece of cold beef into his mouth.
+
+'Not a 'ung man,' muttered the child, bursting out a-crying, and extending
+his little fat arms to his mamma.
+
+'No, my angel, not a 'ung man yet,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, taking him out
+of the chair, and hugging him to her bosom.
+
+'He'll be a man before his mother for all that,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+nothing disconcerted by the noise.
+
+Jog had now finished his breakfast, and having pocketed three buns and two
+pieces of toast, with a thick layer of cold ham between them, looked at his
+great warming-pan of a watch, and said to his guest, 'When you're (wheeze),
+I'm (puff).' So saying he got up, and gave his great legs one or two
+convulsive shakes, as if to see that they were on.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury looked reproachfully at him, as much as to say, 'How _can_
+you behave so?'
+
+Mr. Sponge, as he eyed Jog's ill-made, queerly put on garments, wished that
+he had not desired Leather to go to the meet. It would have been better to
+have got the horses a little way off, and have shirked Jog, who did not
+look like a desirable introducer to a hunting field.
+
+'I'll be with you directly,' replied Mr. Sponge, gulping down the remains
+of his tea; adding, 'I've just got to run upstairs and get a cigar.' So
+saying, he jumped up and disappeared.
+
+Murry Ann, not approving of Sponge's smoking in his bedroom, had hid the
+cigar-case under the toilet cover, at the back of the glass, and it was
+some time before he found it.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury availed herself of the lapse of time, and his absence, to
+pacify her young Turk, and try to coax him into reciting the marvellous
+'Obin and Ichard.'
+
+As Mr. Sponge came clanking downstairs with the cigar-case in his hand, she
+met him (accidentally, of course) at the bottom, with the boy in her arms,
+and exclaimed, 'O Mr. Sponge, here's Gustavus James wants to tell you a
+little story.'
+
+Mr. Sponge stopped--inwardly hoping that it would not be a long one.
+
+'Now, my darling,' said she, sticking the boy up straight to get him to
+begin.
+
+'Now, then!' exclaimed Mr. Crowdey, in the true Jehu-like style, from the
+vehicle at the door, in which he had composed himself.
+
+'Coming, Jog! coming!' replied Mrs. Crowdey, with a frown on her brow at
+the untimely interruption; then appealing again to the child, who was
+nestling in his mother's bosom, as if disinclined to show off, she said,
+'Now, my darling, let the gentleman hear how nicely you'll say it.'
+
+The child still slunk.
+
+'That's a fine fellow, out with it!' said Mr. Sponge, taking up his hat to
+be off.
+
+'Now, then!' exclaimed his host again.
+
+'Coming!' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+As if to thwart him, the child then began, Mrs. Jogglebury holding up her
+forefinger as well in admiration as to keep silence:
+
+    'Obin and Ichard, two pretty men,
+    Lay in bed till 'e clock struck ten;
+    Up starts Obin, and looks at the sky--'
+
+And then the brat stopped.
+
+'Very beautiful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'very beautiful! One of Moore's,
+isn't it? Thank you, my little dear, thank you,' added he, chucking him
+under the chin, and putting on his hat to be off.
+
+'O, but stop, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, 'you haven't heard it
+all--there's more yet.'
+
+Then turning to the child, she thus attempted to give him the cue.
+
+'O, ho! bother--'
+
+'Now, then! time's hup!' again shouted Jogglebury into the passage.
+
+'O dear, Mr. Jogglebury, will you hold your stoopid tongue!' exclaimed she,
+adding, 'you certainly are the most tiresome man under the sun.' She then
+turned to the child with:
+
+'O ho! bother Ichard' again.
+
+But the child was mute, and Mr. Sponge fearing, from some indistinct
+growling that proceeded from the carriage, that a storm was brewing,
+endeavoured to cut short the entertainment by exclaiming:
+
+'Wonderful two-year-old! Pity he's not in the Darby. Dare say he'll tell me
+the rest when I come back.'
+
+But this only added fuel to the fire of Mrs. Jogglebury's ardour, and made
+her more anxious that Sponge should not lose a word of it. Accordingly she
+gave the fat dumpling another jerk up on her arm, and repeated:
+
+'O ho! bother Ichard, the--What's very high?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+coaxingly.
+
+    'Sun's very high,'
+
+replied the child.
+
+'Yes, my darling!' exclaimed the delighted mamma. Mrs. Jogglebury then
+proceeded with:
+
+                     'Ou go before--'
+    CHILD.--'With bottle and bag,'
+    MAMMA.--'And I'll follow after--'
+    CHILD.--'With 'ittle Jack Nag.'
+
+'Well now, that _is_ wonderful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, hurrying on his
+dog-skin gloves, and wishing both Obin and Ichard farther.
+
+'Isn't it!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, in ecstasies; then addressing the
+child, she said, 'Now that _is_ a good boy--that _is_ a fine fellow. Now
+couldn't he say it all over by himself, doesn't he think?' Mrs. Jogglebury
+looking at Sponge, as if she was meditating the richest possible treat for
+him.
+
+'Oh,' replied Mr. Sponge, quite tired of the detention, 'he'll tell me it
+when I return--he'll tell me it when I return,' at the same time giving the
+child another parting chuck under the chin. But the child was not to be put
+off in that way, and instead of crouching, and nestling, and hiding its
+face, it looked up quite boldly, and after a little hesitation went through
+'Obin and Ichard,' to the delight of Mrs. Jogglebury, the mortification of
+Sponge, and the growling denunciations of old Jog, who still kept his place
+in the vehicle. Mr. Sponge could not but stay the poem out.
+
+At last they got started, Jog driving. Sponge occupying the low seat, Jog's
+flail and Sponge's cane whip-stick stuck in the straps of the apron. Jog
+was very crusty at first, and did little but whip and flog the old horse,
+and puff and growl about being late, keeping people waiting, over-driving
+the horse, and so on.
+
+'Have a cigar?' at last asked Sponge, opening the well-filled case, and
+tendering that olive branch to his companion.
+
+'Cigar (wheeze), cigar (puff)?' replied Jog, eyeing the case; 'why, no,
+p'raps not, I think (wheeze), thank'e.'
+
+'Do you never smoke?' asked Sponge.
+
+'(Puff--wheeze) Not often,' replied Jogglebury, looking about him with an
+air of indifference. He did not like to say no, because Springwheat smoked,
+though Mrs. Springey highly disapproved of it.
+
+'You'll find them very mild,' observed Sponge, taking one out for himself,
+and again tendering the case to his friend.
+
+'Mild (wheeze), mild (puff), are they?' said Jog, thinking he would try
+one.
+
+Mr. Sponge then struck a light, and, getting his own cigar well under way,
+lit one for his friend, and presented it to him. They then went puffing,
+and whipping, and smoking in silence. Jog spoke first. 'I'm going to be
+(puff) sick,' observed he, slowly and solemnly.
+
+'Hope not,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a hearty whiff, up into the air.
+
+'I _am_ going to be (puff) sick,' observed Jog, after another pause.
+
+'Be sick on your own side, then,' replied Sponge, with another hearty
+whiff.
+
+'By the (puff) powers! I _am_ (puff) sick!' exclaimed Jogglebury, after
+another pause, and throwing away the cigar. 'Oh, dear!' exclaimed he, 'you
+shouldn't have given me that nasty (puff) thing.'
+
+'My dear fellow, I didn't know it would make you sick,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well, but (puff) if they (wheeze) other people sick, in all (puff)
+probability they'll (wheeze) me. There!' exclaimed he, pulling up again.
+
+The delays occasioned by these catastrophes, together with the time lost by
+'Obin and Ichard,' threw our sportsmen out considerably. When they reached
+Chalkerley Gate it wanted ten minutes to eleven, and they had still three
+miles to go.
+
+'We shall be late,' observed Sponge inwardly denouncing 'Obin and Ichard.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Jog, adding, with a puff into his frill,
+'consequences of making me sick, you see.'
+
+'My dear fellow, if you don't know your own stomach by this time, you did
+ought to do,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I (puff) flatter myself I _do_ (wheeze) my own stomach,' replied
+Jogglebury tartly.
+
+They then rumbled on for some time in silence.
+
+When they came within sight of Snobston Green, the coast was clear. Not a
+red coat, or hunting indication of any sort, was to be seen.
+
+'I told you so (puff)!' growled Jog, blowing full into his frill, and
+pulling up short.
+
+'They be gone to Hackberry Dean,' said an old man, breaking stones by the
+roadside.
+
+'Hackberry Dean (puff)--Hackberry Dean (wheeze)!' replied Jog thoughtfully;
+'then we must (puff) by Tollarton Mill, and through the (wheeze) village to
+Stewley?' 'Y-e-a-z,' drawled the man.
+
+Jog then drove on a few paces, and turned up a lane to the left, whose
+finger-post directed the road 'to Tollarton.' He seemed less disconcerted
+than Sponge, who kept inwardly anathematizing, not only 'Obin and Ichard,'
+but 'Diddle, diddle, doubt'--'Bah, bah, black sheep'--the whole tribe of
+nursery ballads, in short.
+
+The fact was, Jog wanted to be into Hackberry Dean, which was full of fine,
+straight hollies, fit either for gibbeys or whip-sticks, and the hounds
+being there gave him the entrée. It was for helping himself there, without
+this excuse, that he had been 'county-courted,' and he did not care to
+renew his acquaintance with the judge. He now whipped and jagged the old
+nag, as if intent on catching the hounds. Mr. Sponge liberated his whip
+from the apron-straps, and lent a hand when Jog began to flag. So they
+rattled and jingled away at an amended pace. Still it seemed to Mr. Sponge
+as if they would never get there. Having passed through Tollarton, and
+cleared the village of Stewley, Mr. Sponge strained his eyes in every
+direction where there was a bit of wood, in hopes of seeing something of
+the hounds. Meanwhile Jog was shuffling his little axe from below the
+cushion of the driving-seat into the pocket of his great-coat. All of a
+sudden he pulled up, as they were passing a bank of wood (Hackberry Dean),
+and handing the reins to his companion, said:
+
+'Just lay hold for a minute whilst I (puff) out.'
+
+'What's happened?' asked Sponge. 'Not sick again, are you?'
+
+'No (puff), not exactly (wheeze) sick, but I want to be out all the (puff)
+same.'
+
+So saying, out he bundled, and, crushing through the fern-grown woodbiney
+fence, darted into the wood in a way that astonished our hero. Presently
+the chop, chop, chop of the axe revealed the mystery.
+
+'By the powers, the fool's at his sticks!' exclaimed Sponge, disgusted at
+the contretemps. 'Mister Jogglebury!' roared he, 'Mister Jogglebury, we
+shall never catch up the hounds at this rate!'
+
+But Jog was deaf--chop, chop, chop was all the answer Mr. Sponge got.
+
+'Well, hang me if ever I saw such a fellow!' continued Sponge, thinking he
+would drive on if he only knew the way.
+
+'Chop, chop, chop,' continued the axe.
+
+'Mister Jogglebury! Mister Jogglebury Crowdey _a-hooi_!' roared Sponge, at
+the top of his voice.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY ON HIS HOBBY]
+
+The axe stopped. 'Anybody comin'?' resounded from the wood.
+
+'_You come_,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Presently,' was the answer; and the chop, chop, chopping was resumed.
+
+'The man's mad,' muttered Mr. Sponge, throwing himself back in the seat.
+At length Jog appeared brushing and tearing his way out of the wood, with
+two fine hollies under his arm. He was running down with perspiration, and
+looked anxiously up and down the road as he blundered through the fence to
+see if there was any one coming.
+
+'I really think (puff) this will make a four-in-hander (wheeze),' exclaimed
+he, as he advanced towards the carriage, holding a holly so as to show its
+full length--'not that I (puff, wheeze, gasp) do much in that (puff,
+wheeze) line, but really it is such a (puff, wheeze) beauty that I couldn't
+(puff, wheeze, gasp) resist it.'
+
+'Well, but I thought we were going to hunt,' observed Mr. Sponge dryly.
+
+'Hunt (puff)! so we are (wheeze); but there are no hounds (gasp). My good
+(puff) man,' continued he, addressing a smock-frocked countryman, who now
+came up, 'have you seen anything of the (wheeze) hounds?'
+
+'E-e-s,' replied the man. 'They be gone to Brookdale Plantin'.'
+
+'Then we'd better (puff) after them,' said Jog, running the stick through
+the apron-straps, and bundling into the phaeton with the long one in his
+hand.
+
+Away they rattled and jingled as before.
+
+'How far is it?' asked Mr. Sponge, vexed at the detention.
+
+'Oh (puff), close by (wheeze),' replied Jog.
+
+'Close by,' as most of our sporting readers well know to their cost, is
+generally anything but close by. Nor was Jog's close by, close by on this
+occasion.
+
+'There,' said Jog, after they had got crawled up Trampington Hill; 'that's
+it (puff) to the right, by the (wheeze) water there,' pointing to a
+plantation about a mile off, with a pond shining at the end.
+
+Just as Mr. Sponge caught view of the water, the twang of a horn was heard,
+and the hounds came pouring, full cry, out of cover, followed by about
+twenty variously clad horsemen, and our friend had the satisfaction of
+seeing them run clean out of sight, over as fine a country as ever was
+crossed. Worst of all, he thought he saw Leather pounding away on the
+chestnut.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII
+
+HUNTING THE HOUNDS
+
+
+Tramptinton Hill, whose summit they had just reached as the hounds broke
+cover, commanded an extensive view over the adjoining vale, and, as Mr.
+Sponge sat shading his eyes with his hands from a bright wintry sun, he
+thought he saw them come to a check, and afterwards bend to the left.
+
+'I really think,' said he, addressing his still perspiring companion, 'that
+if you were to make for that road on the left' (pointing one out as seen
+between the low hedge-rows in the distance), 'we might catch them up yet.'
+
+'Left (puff), left (wheeze)?' replied Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, staring about
+with anything but the quickness that marked his movements when he dived
+into Hackberry Dean.
+
+'Don't you see,' asked Sponge tartly, 'there's a road by the corn-stacks
+yonder?' Pointing them out.
+
+'I see,' replied Jogglebury, blowing freely into his shirt-frill. 'I see,'
+repeated he, staring that way; 'but I think (puff) that's a mere (wheeze)
+occupation road, leading to (gasp) nowhere.'
+
+'Never mind, let's try!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, giving the rein a jerk, to
+get the horse into motion again; adding, 'it's no use sitting here, you
+know, like a couple of fools, when the hounds are running.'
+
+'Couple of (puff)!' growled Jog, not liking the appellation, and wishing to
+be home with the long holly. 'I don't see anything (wheeze) foolish in the
+(puff) business.'
+
+'There they are!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who had kept his eye on the spot he
+last viewed them, and now saw the horsemen titt-up-ing across a grass field
+in the easy way that distance makes very uneasy riding look. 'Cut along!'
+exclaimed he, laying into the horse's hind-quarters with his hunting-whip.
+
+'Don't! the horse is (puff) tired,' retorted Jog angrily, holding the
+horse, instead of letting him go to Sponge's salute.
+
+'Not a bit on't!' exclaimed Sponge; 'fresh as paint! Spring him a bit,
+that's a good fellow!' added he.
+
+Jog didn't fancy being dictated to in this way, and just crawled along at
+his own pace, some six miles an hour, his dull phlegmatic face contrasting
+with the eager excitement of Mr. Sponge's countenance. If it had not been
+that Jog wanted to see that Leather did not play any tricks with his horse,
+he would not have gone a yard to please Mr. Sponge. Jog might, however,
+have been easy on that score, for Leather had just buckled the curb-rein of
+the horse's bridle round a tree in the plantations where they found, and
+the animal, being used to this sort of work, had fallen-to quite
+contentedly upon the grass within reach.
+
+Bilkington Pike now appeared in view, and Jog drew in as he spied it. He
+knew the damage: sixpence for carriages, and he doubted that Sponge would
+pay it.
+
+'It's no use going any (wheeze) farther,' observed he, drawing up into a
+walk, as he eyed the red-brick gable end of the toll-house, and the
+formidable white gate across the road.
+
+Tom Coppers had heard the hounds, and, knowing the hurry sportsmen are
+often in, had taken the precaution to lock the gate.
+
+'Just a _leetle_ farther!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge soothingly, whose anxiety
+in looking after the hounds had prevented his seeing this formidable
+impediment. 'If you would just drive up to that farmhouse on the hill,'
+pointing to one about half a mile off, 'I think we should be able to decide
+whether it's worth going on or not.'
+
+'Well (puff), well (wheeze), well (gasp),' pondered Jogglebury, still
+staring at the gate, 'if you (puff) think it's worth (wheeze) while going
+through the (gasp) gate,' nodding towards it as he spoke.
+
+'Oh, never mind the gate,' replied Mr. Sponge, with an ostentatious dive
+into his breeches pocket, as if he was going to pay it.
+
+He kept his hand in his pocket till he came close up to the gate, when,
+suddenly drawing it out, he said:
+
+'Oh, hang it! I've left my purse at home! Never mind, drive on,' said he to
+his host; exclaiming to the man, 'it's Mr. Crowdey's carriage--Mr.
+Jogglebury Crowdey's carriage! Mr. Crowdey, the chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Poor-Law Union!'
+
+'Sixpence!' shouted the man, following the phaeton with outstretched hand.
+
+''Ord, hang it (puff)! I could have done that (wheeze),' growled
+Jogglebury, pulling up.
+
+'You harn't got no ticket,' said Coppers, coming up, 'and ain't a-goin' to
+not never no meetin' o' trustees, are you?' asked he, seeing the importance
+of the person with whom he had to deal;--a trustee of that and other roads,
+and one who always availed himself of his privilege of going to the
+meetings toll-free.
+
+'No,' replied Jog, pompously handing Sponge the whip and reins.
+
+He then rose deliberately from his seat, and slowly unbuttoned each
+particular button of the brown great-coat he had over the tight black
+hunting one. He then unbuttoned the black, and next the right-hand pocket
+of the white moleskins, in which he carried his money. He then deliberately
+fished up his green-and-gold purse, a souvenir of Miss Smiler (the
+plaintiff in the breach-of-promise action, Smiler _v._ Jogglebury), and
+holding it with both hands before his eyes, to see which end contained the
+silver, he slowly drew the slide, and took out a shilling, though there
+were plenty of sixpences in.
+
+This gave the man an errand into the toll-house to get one, and, by way of
+marking his attention, when he returned he said, in the negative way that
+country people put a question:
+
+'You'll not need a ticket, will you?'
+
+'Ticket (puff), ticket (wheeze)?' repeated Jog thoughtfully. 'Yes, I'll
+take a ticket,' said he.
+
+'Oh! hang it, no,' replied Sponge; 'let's get on!' stamping against the
+bottom of the phaeton to set the horse a-going. 'Costs nothin',' observed
+Jog drily, drawing the reins, as the man again returned to the gate-house.
+
+A considerable delay then took place; first, Pikey had to find his glasses,
+as he called his spectacles, to look out a one-horse-chaise ticket. Then he
+had to look out the tickets, when he found he had all sorts except a
+one-horse-chaise one ready--waggons, hearses, mourning-coaches,
+saddle-horses, chaises and pair, mules, asses, every sort but the one that
+was wanted. Well, then he had to fill one up, and to do this he had, first,
+to find the ink-horn, and then a pen that would 'mark,' so that,
+altogether, a delay took place that would have been peculiarly edifying to
+a Kennington Common or Lambeth gate-keeper to witness.
+
+But it was not all over yet. Having got the ticket Jog examined it
+minutely, to see that it was all right, then held it to his nose to smell
+it, and ultimately drew the purse slide, and deposited it among the
+sovereigns. He then restored that expensive trophy to his pocket, shook his
+leg, to send it down, then buttoned the pocket, and took the tight black
+coat with both hands and dragged it across his chest, so as to get his
+stomach in. He then gasped and held his breath, making himself as small as
+possible, while he coaxed the buttons into the holes; and that difficult
+process being at length accomplished, he stood still awhile to take breath
+after the exertion. Then he began to rebutton the easy, brown great-coat,
+going deliberately up the whole series, from the small button below, to
+keep the laps together, up to the one on the neck, or where the neck would
+have been if Jog had not been all stomach up to the chin. He then soused
+himself into his seat, and, snorting heavily through his nostrils, took the
+reins and whip and long holly from Mr. Sponge, and drove leisurely on.
+Sponge sat anathematizing his slowness.
+
+When they reached the farmhouse on the hill the hounds were fairly in view.
+The huntsman was casting them, and the horsemen were grouped about as
+usual, while the laggers were stealing quietly up the lanes and by-roads,
+thinking nobody would see them. Save the whites or the greys, our friends
+in the 'chay' were not sufficiently near to descry the colours of the
+horses; but Mr. Sponge could not help thinking that he recognized the
+outline of the wicked chestnut, Multum in Parvo.
+
+'By the powers, but if it is him,' muttered he to himself, clenching his
+fist and grinding his teeth as he spoke, 'but I'll--I'll--I'll make _sich_
+an example of you,' meaning of Leather.
+
+Mr. Sponge could not exactly say what he would do, for it was by no means a
+settled point whether Leather or he were master. But to the hounds. If it
+had not been for Mr. Sponge's shabbiness at the turnpike gate, we really
+believe he might now have caught them up, for the road to them was down
+hill all the way, and the impetus of the vehicle would have sent the old
+screw along. That delay, however, was fatal. Before they had gone a quarter
+of the distance the hounds suddenly struck the scent at a hedge-row, and,
+with heads up and sterns down, went straight away at a pace that
+annihilated all hope. They were out of sight in a minute. It was clearly a
+case of kill.
+
+'Well, there's a go!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, folding his arms, and throwing
+himself back in the phaeton in disgust. 'I think I never saw such a mess as
+we've made this morning.'
+
+And he looked at the stick in the apron, and the long holly between Jog's
+legs, and longed to lay them about his great back.
+
+'Well (puff), I s'pose (wheeze) we may as well (puff) home now?' observed
+Jog, looking about him quite unconcernedly.
+
+'I think so,' snapped Sponge, adding, 'we've done it for once, at all
+events.'
+
+The observation, however, was lost upon Jog, whose mind was occupied with
+thinking how to get the phaeton round without upsetting. The road was
+narrow at best, and the newly laid stone-heaps had encroached upon its
+bounds. He first tried to back between two stone-heaps, but only succeeded
+in running a wheel into one; he then tried the forward tack, with no better
+success, till Mr. Sponge seeing matters were getting worse, just jumped
+out, and taking the old horse by the head, executed the manoeuvre that
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey first attempted. They then commenced retracing their
+steps, rather a long trail, even for people in an amiable mood, but a
+terribly long one for disagreeing ones.
+
+Jog, to be sure, was pretty comfortable. He had got all he wanted--all he
+went out a-hunting for; and as he hissed and jerked the old horse along, he
+kept casting an eye at the contents of the apron, thinking what crowned, or
+great man's head, the now rough, club-headed knobs should be fashioned to
+represent; and indulged in speculations as to their prospective worth and
+possible destination. He had not the slightest doubt that a thousand sticks
+to each of his children would be as good as a couple of thousand pounds
+a-piece; sometimes he thought more, but never less. Mr. Sponge, on the
+other hand, brooded over the loss of the run; indulged in all sorts of
+speculations as to the splendour of the affair; pictured the figure he
+would have cut on the chestnut, and the price he might have got for him in
+the field. Then he thought of the bucketing Leather would give him; the way
+he would ram him at everything; how he would let him go with a slack rein
+in the deep--very likely making him over-reach--nay, there was no saying
+but he might stake him.
+
+Then he thought over all the misfortunes and mishaps of the day. The
+unpropitious toilet; the aggravation of 'Obin and Ichard'; the delay caused
+by Jog being sick with his cigar; the divergence into Hackberry Dean; and
+the long protracted wait at the toll-bar. Reviewing all the circumstances
+fairly and dispassionately, Mr. Sponge came to the determination of having
+nothing more to do with Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey in the hunting way. These,
+or similar cogitations and resolutions were, at length, interrupted by
+their arriving at home, as denoted by an outburst of children rushing from
+the lodge to receive them--Gustavus James, in his nurse's arms, bringing up
+the rear, to whom our friend could hardly raise the semblance of a smile.
+
+It was all that little brat! thought he.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+COUNTRY QUARTERS
+
+
+[Illustration: LADY SCATTERCASH]
+
+Sir Harry Scattercash's were only an ill-supported pack of hounds; they
+were not kept upon any fixed principles. We do not mean to say that they
+had not plenty to eat, but their management was only of the scrimmaging
+order. Sir Harry was what is technically called 'going it.' Like our noble
+friend, Lord Hard-up, now Earl of Scamperdale, he had worked through the
+morning of life without knowing what it was to be troubled with money; but,
+unlike his lordship, now that he had unexpectedly come into some, he seemed
+bent upon trying how fast he could get through it. In this laudable
+endeavour he was ably assisted by Lady Scattercash, late the lovely and
+elegant Miss Spangles, of the 'Theatre Royal, Sadler's Wells.' Sir Harry
+had married her before his windfall made him a baronet, having, at the
+time, some intention of trying his luck on the stage, but he always
+declared that he never regretted his choice; on the contrary, he said, if
+he had gone among the 'duchesses,' he could not have suited himself better.
+Lady Scattercash could ride--indeed, she used to do scenes in the circle
+(two horses and a flag)--and she could drive, and smoke, and sing, and was
+possessed of many other accomplishments. Sir Harry would sometimes drink
+straight on end for a week, and then not taste wine again for a month;
+sometimes the hounds hunted, and sometimes they did not; sometimes they
+were advertized, and sometimes they were not; sometimes they went out on
+one day, and sometimes on another; sometimes they were fixed to be at such
+a place, and went to quite a different one. When Sir Harry was on a
+drinking-bout they were shut up altogether; and the huntsman, Tom Watchorn,
+late of the 'Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers,' an early
+acquaintance of Miss Spangles--indeed, some said he was her uncle--used to
+go away on a drinking excursion too. Altogether, they were what the country
+people called a very 'promiscuous set.' The hounds were of all sorts and
+sizes; the horses of no particular stamp; and the men scamps and vagabonds
+of the first class.
+
+With such a master and such an establishment, we need hardly say that no
+stranger ever came into the country for the purpose of hunting. Sir Harry's
+fields were entirely composed of his own choice 'set,' and a few farmers,
+and people whom he could abuse and do what he liked with. Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, to be sure, had mentioned Sir Harry approvingly, when he went to
+Mr. Puffington's, to inveigle Mr. Sponge over to Puddingpote Bower; but
+what might suit Mr. Jogglebury, who went out to seek gibbey sticks, might
+not suit a person who went out for the purpose of hunting a fox in order to
+show off and sell his horses. In fact, Puddingpote Bower was an exceedingly
+bad hunting quarter, as things turned out. Sir Harry Scattercash, having
+had the run described in our two preceding chapters, and having just
+imported a few of the 'sock-and-buskin' sort from town, was not likely to
+be going out again for a time; while Mr. Puffington, finding where Mr.
+Sponge had taken refuge, determined not to meet within reach of Puddingpote
+Bower, if he could possibly help it; and Lord Scamperdale was almost always
+beyond distance, unless horse and rider lay out over-night--a proceeding
+always deprecated by prudent sportsmen. Mr. Sponge, therefore, got more of
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's company than he wanted, and Mr. Crowdey got more
+of Mr. Sponge's than he desired. In vain Jog took him up into his attics
+and his closets, and his various holes and corners, and showed him his
+enormous stock of sticks--some tied in sheaves, like corn; some put up more
+sparingly; and others, again, wrapped in silver paper, with their valuable
+heads enveloped in old gloves. Jog would untie the strings of these, and
+placing the heads in the most favourable position before our friend, just
+as an artist would a portrait, question him as to whom he thought they
+were.
+
+'There, now (puff),' said he, holding up one that he thought there could be
+no mistake about; 'who do you (wheeze) that is?'
+
+'Deaf Burke,' replied Mr. Sponge, after a stare.
+
+'_Deaf Burke!_ (puff),' replied Jog indignantly.
+
+'Who is it, then?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Can't you see? (wheeze),' replied Jog tartly.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge, after another examination. 'It's not Scroggins, is
+it?'
+
+'Napoleon (puff) Bonaparte,' replied Jog, with great dignity, returning the
+head to the glove.
+
+He showed several others, with little better success, Mr. Sponge seeming
+rather to take a pleasure in finding ridiculous likenesses, instead of
+helping his host out in his conceits. The stick-mania was a failure, as far
+as Mr. Sponge was concerned. Neither were the peregrinations about the
+farms, or ter-ri-to-ry, as Jog called his estate, more successful; a man's
+estate, like his children, being seldom of much interest to any but
+himself.
+
+Jog and Sponge were soon most heartily sick of each other. Nor did Mrs.
+Jog's charms, nor the voluble enunciation of 'Obin and Ichard,' followed by
+'Bah, bah, black sheep,' &c, from that wonderful boy, Gustavus James, mend
+matters; for the young rogue having been in Mr. Sponge's room while Murry
+Ann was doing it out, had torn the back off Sponge's _Mogg_, and made such
+a mess of his tooth-brush, by cleaning his shoes with it, as never was
+seen.
+
+Mr. Sponge soon began to think it was not worth while staying at
+Puddingpote Bower for the mere sake of his keep, seeing there was no
+hunting to be had from it, and it did not do to keep hack hunters idle,
+especially in open weather. Leather and he, for once, were of the same
+opinion, and that worthy shook his head, and said Mr. Crowdey was 'awful
+mean,' at the same time pulling out a sample of bad ship oats, that he had
+got from a neighbouring ostler, to show the 'stuff' their 'osses' were a
+eatin' of. The fact was, Jog's beer was nothing like so strong as Mr.
+Puffington's; added to which, Mr. Crowdey carried the principles of the
+poor-law union into his own establishment, and dieted his servants upon
+certain rules. Sunday, roast beef, potatoes, and pudding under the meat;
+Monday, fried beef, and stick-jaw (as they profanely called a certain
+pudding); Wednesday, leg of mutton, and so on. The allowance of beer was a
+pint and a half per diem to Bartholomew, and a pint to each woman; and Mr.
+Crowdey used to observe from the head of the servants' dinner-table on the
+arrival of each cargo, 'Now this (puff) beer is to (wheeze) a month, and,
+if you choose to drink it in a (gasp) day, you'll go without any for the
+rest of the (wheeze) time'; an intimation that had a very favourable effect
+upon the tap. Mr. Leather, however, did not like it. 'Puffington's
+servants,' he said, 'had beer whenever they chose,' and he thought it
+'awful mean' restricting the quantity. Mr. Jog, however, was not to be
+moved. Thus time crawled heavily on.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jog had a long confab one night on the expediency of getting
+rid of Mr. Sponge. Mrs. Jog wanted to keep him on till after the
+christening; while Jog combated her reasons by representing the
+improbability of its doing Gustavus James any good having him for a
+godpapa, seeing Sponge's age, and the probability of his marrying himself.
+Mrs. Jog, however, was very determined; rather too much so, indeed, for she
+awakened Jog's jealousy, who lay tossing and tumbling about all through the
+night.
+
+He was up very early, and as Mrs. Jog was falling into a comfortable nap,
+she was aroused by his well-known voice hallooing as loud as he could in
+the middle of the entrance-passage.
+
+'BARTHOLO-_me-e-w!_' the last syllable being pronounced or
+prolonged like a mew of a cat. 'BARTHOLO-_me-e-w!_' repeated he,
+not getting an answer to the first shout.
+
+'MURRY ANN!' shouted he, after another pause.
+
+'MURRY ANN!' exclaimed he, still louder.
+
+Just then, the iron latch of a door at the top of the house opened, and a
+female voice exclaimed hurriedly over the banisters:
+
+'Yes, sir! here, sir! comin' sir! comin'!'
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann (puff), that's (wheeze) you, is it?' asked Jog, still
+speaking at the top of his voice.
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Oh! then, Murry Ann, I wanted to (puff)--that you'd better get the (puff)
+breakfast ready early. I think Mr. (gasp)--Sponge will be (wheezing) away
+to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+All this was said in such a tone as could not fail to be heard all over the
+house; certainly into Mr. Sponge's room, which was midway between the
+speakers.
+
+What prevented Mr. Sponge wheezing away, will appear in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L
+
+SIR HARRY SCATTERCASH'S HOUNDS
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The reason Mr. Sponge did not take his departure, after the pretty
+intelligible hint given by his host, was that, as he was passing his
+shilling army razor over his soapy chin, he saw a stockingless lad, in a
+purply coat and faded hunting-cap, making his way up to the house, at a
+pace that betokened more than ordinary vagrancy. It was the kennel, stable,
+and servants' hall courier of Nonsuch House, come to say that Sir Harry
+hunted that day.
+
+Presently Mr. Leather knocked at Mr. Sponge's bedroom door, and, being
+invited in, announced the fact.
+
+'Sir 'Arry's 'ounds 'unt,' said he, twisting the door handle as he spoke.
+
+'What time?' asked Mr. Sponge, with his half-shaven face turned towards
+him.
+
+'Meet at eleven,' replied Leather.
+
+'Where?' inquired Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Nonsuch House, 'bout nine miles off.'
+
+It was thirteen, but Mr. Leather heard the malt liquor was good and wanted
+to taste it.
+
+'Take on the brown, then,' said Mr. Sponge, quite pompously;' and tell
+Bartholomew to have the hack at the door at ten--or say a quarter to. Tell
+him, I'll lick him for every minute he's late; and, mind, don't let old
+Rory O'More here know,' meaning our friend Jog, 'or he may take a fancy to
+go, and we shall never get there,' alluding to their former excursion.
+
+'No, no,' replied Mr. Leather, leaving the room.
+
+Mr. Sponge then arrayed himself in his hunting costume--scarlet coat, green
+tie, blue vest, gosling-coloured cords, and brown tops; and was greeted
+with a round of applause from the little Jogs as he entered the
+breakfast-room. Gustavus James would handle him; and, considering that his
+paws were all over raspberry jam, our friend would as soon have dispensed
+with his attentions. Mrs. Jog was all smiles, and Jog all scowls.
+
+A little after ten our friend, cigar in mouth, was in the saddle. Mrs. Jog,
+with Gustavus James in her arms, and all the children clustering about,
+stood in the passage to see him start, and watch the capers and caprioles
+of the piebald, as he ambled down the avenue.
+
+'Nine miles--nine miles,' muttered Mr. Sponge to himself, as he passed
+through the Lodge and turned up the Quarryburn road; 'do it in an hour well
+enough,' said he, sticking spurs into the hack, and cantering away.
+
+Having kept this pace up for about five miles, till he thought from the
+view he had taken of the map it was about time to be turning, he hailed a
+blacksmith in his shop, who, next to saddlers, are generally the most
+intelligent people about hounds, and asked how far it was to Sir Harry's?
+
+'Eight miles,' replied the man, in a minute. 'Impossible!' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge. 'It was only nine at starting, and I've come I don't know how
+many.'
+
+The next person Mr. Sponge met told him it was ten miles; the third, after
+asking him where he had come from, said he was a stranger in the country,
+and had never heard of the place; and, what with Mr. Leather's original
+mis-statement, misdirections from other people, and mistakes of his own, it
+was more good luck than good management that got Mr. Sponge to Nonsuch
+House in time.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE STARTING FROM THE BOWER]
+
+The fact was, the whole hunt was knocked up in a hurry. Sir Harry, and the
+choice spirits by whom he was surrounded, had not finished celebrating the
+triumphs of the Snobston Green day, and as it was not likely that the
+hounds would be out again soon, the people of the hunting establishment
+were taking their ease. Watchorn had gone to be entertained at a public
+supper, given by the poachers and fox-stealers of the village of Bark-shot,
+as a 'mark of respect for his abilities as a sportsman and his integrity as
+a man,' meaning his indifference to his master's interests; while the
+first-whip had gone to visit his aunt, and the groom was away negotiating
+the exchange of a cow. With things in this state, Wily Tom of Tinklerhatch,
+a noted fox-stealer in Lord Scamperdale's country, had arrived with a great
+thundering dog fox, stolen from his lordship's cover near the cross roads
+at Dallington Burn, which being communicated to our friends about midnight
+in the smoking-room at Nonsuch House, it was resolved to hunt him
+forthwith, especially as one of the guests, Mr. Orlando Bugles, of the
+Surrey Theatre, was obliged to return to town immediately, and, as he
+sometimes enacted the part of Squire Tallyho, it was thought a little of
+the reality might correct the Tom and Jerry style in which he did it.
+Accordingly, orders were issued for a hunt, notwithstanding the hounds were
+fed and the horses watered. Sir Harry didn't 'care a rap; let them go as
+fast as they could.'
+
+All these circumstances conspired to make them late; added to which, when
+Watchorn, the huntsman, cast up, which he did on a higgler's horse, he
+found the only sound one in his stud had gone to the neighbouring town to
+get some fiddlers--her ladyship having determined to compliment Mr. Bugles'
+visit by a quadrille party. Bugles and she were old friends. When Mr.
+Sponge cast up at half-past eleven, things were still behind-hand.
+
+Sir Harry and party had had a wet night of it, and were all more or less
+drunk. They had kept up the excitement with a champagne breakfast and
+various liqueurs, to say nothing of cigars. They were a sad
+debauched-looking set, some of them scarcely out of their teens, with
+pallid cheeks, trembling hands, sunken eyes, and all the symptoms of
+premature decay. Others--the sock-and-buskin ones--were a made-up, wigged,
+and padded set. Bugles was resplendent. He had on a dress scarlet coat,
+lined and faced with yellow satin (one of the properties, we believe, of
+the Victoria), a beautifully worked pink shirt-front, a pitch-plaster
+coloured waistcoat, white ducks, and jack-boots, with brass heel spurs. He
+carried his whip in the arm's-length-way of a circus master following a
+horse. Some dozen of these curiosities were staggering, and swaggering, and
+smoking in front of Nonsuch House, to the edification of a lot of gaping
+grooms and chawbacons, when Mr. Sponge cantered becomingly up on the
+piebald. Lady Scattercash, with several elegantly dressed females, all with
+cigars in their mouths, were conversing with them from the open
+drawing-room windows above, while sundry good-looking damsels ogled them
+from the attics above. Such was the tableau that presented itself to Mr.
+Sponge as he cantered round the turn that brought him in front of the
+Elizabethan mansion of Nonsuch House.
+
+Sir Harry, who was still rather drunk, thinking that every person there
+must be either one of his party, or a friend of one of his party, or a
+neighbour, or some one that he had seen before, reeled up to our friend as
+he stopped, and, shaking him heartily by the hand, asked him to come in and
+have something to eat. This was a godsend to Mr. Sponge, who accepted the
+proffered hand most readily, shaking it in a way that quite satisfied Sir
+Harry he was right in some one or other of his conjectures. Bugles, and all
+the reeling, swaggering bucks, looked respectfully at the well-appointed
+man, and Bugles determined to have a pair of nut-brown tops as soon as ever
+he got back to town.
+
+Sir Harry was a tall, wan, pale young man, with a strong tendency to
+delirium tremens; that, and consumption, appeared to be running a match for
+his person. He was a harum-scarum fellow, all strings, and tapes, and ends,
+and flue. He looked as if he slept in his clothes. His hat was fastened on
+with a ribbon, or rather a ribbon passed round near the band, in order to
+fasten it on, for it was seldom or ever applied to the purpose, and the
+ends generally went flying out behind like a Chinaman's tail. Then his
+flashy, many-coloured cravats, stared and straggled in all directions,
+while his untied waistcoat-strings protruded between the laps of his old
+short-waisted swallow-tailed scarlet, mixing in glorious confusion with
+those of his breeches behind. The knee-strings were generally also loose;
+the web straps of his boots were seldom in; and, what with one set of
+strings and another, he had acquired the name of Sixteen-string'd Jack. Mr.
+Sponge having dismounted, and given his hack to the now half-drunken
+Leather, followed Sir Harry through a foil and four-in-hand whip-hung hall
+to the deserted breakfast-room, where chairs stood in all directions, and
+crumpled napkins strewed the floor. The litter of eggs, and remnants of
+muffins, and diminished piles of toast, and broken bread and empty toast
+racks, and cups and saucers, and half-emptied glasses, and wholly emptied
+champagne bottles, were scattered up and down a disorderly table, further
+littered with newspapers, letter backs, county court summonses, mustard
+pots, anchovies, pickles--all the odds and ends of a most miscellaneous
+meal. The side-table exhibited cold joints, game, poultry, lukewarm hashed
+venison, and sundry lamp-lit dishes of savoury grills.
+
+'Here you are!' exclaimed Sir Harry, taking his hunting-whip and sweeping
+the contents of one end of the table on to the floor with a crash that
+brought in the butler and some theatrical-looking servants.
+
+'Take those filthy things away! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry, crushing
+the broken china smaller under his heels; 'and (hiccup) bring some
+red-herrings and soda-water. What the deuce does the (hiccup) cook mean by
+not (hiccuping) things as he ought? Now,' said he, addressing Mr. Sponge,
+and raking the plates and dishes up to him with the handle of his whip,
+just as a gaming-table keeper rakes up the stakes, 'now,' said he, 'make
+your (hiccup) game. There'll be some hot (hiccup) in directly.' He meant to
+say 'tea,' but the word failed him.
+
+Mr. Sponge fell to with avidity. He was always ready to eat, and attacked
+first one thing and then another, as though he had not had any breakfast at
+Puddingpote Bower.
+
+Sir Harry remained mute for some minutes, sitting cross-legged and
+backwards in his chair, with his throbbing temples resting upon the back,
+wondering where it was that he had met Mr. Sponge. He looked different
+without his hat; and, though he saw it was no one he knew particularly, he
+could not help thinking he had seen him before.
+
+Indeed, he thought it was clear, from Mr. Sponge's manner, that they had
+met, and he was just going to ask him whether it was at Offley's or the
+Coal Hole, when a sudden move outside attracted his attention. It was the
+hounds.
+
+The huntsman's horse having at length returned from the fiddler hunt, and
+being whisped over, and made tolerably decent, Mr. Watchorn, having
+exchanged the postilion saddle in which it had been ridden for a horn-cased
+hunting one, had mounted, and, opening the kennel-door, had liberated the
+pent-up pack, who came tearing out full cry and spread themselves over the
+country, regardless alike of the twang, twang, twang of the horn and the
+furious onslaught of a couple of stable lads in scarlet and caps, who, true
+to the title of 'whippers-in,' let drive at all they could get within reach
+of. The hounds had not been out, even to exercise, since the Snobston-Green
+day, and were as wild as hawks. They were ready to run anything. Furious
+and Furrier tackled with a cow. Bountiful ran a black cart-colt, and made
+him leap the haw-haw. Sempstress, Singwell, and Saladin (puppies), went
+after some crows. Mercury took after the stable cat, while old Thunderer
+and Come-by-chance (supposed to be one of Lord Scamperdale's) joined in
+pursuit of a cur. Watchorn, however, did not care for these little
+ebullitions of spirit, and never having been accustomed to exercise the
+Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers, he did not see any occasion for
+troubling the fox-hounds. 'They would soon settle,' he said, 'when they got
+a scent.'
+
+It was this riotous start that diverted Sixteen-string'd Jack's attention
+from our friend, and, looking out of the window, Mr. Sponge saw all the
+company preparing to be off. There was the elegant Bugles mounting her
+ladyship's white Arab; the brothers Spangles climbing on to their
+cream-colours; Mr. This getting on to the postman's pony, and Mr. That on
+to the gamekeeper's. Mr. Sponge hurried out to get to the brown ere his
+anger arose at being left behind, and provoked a scene. He only just
+arrived in time; for the twang of the horn, the cracks of the whips, the
+clamorous rates of the servants, the yelping of the hounds, and the general
+commotion, had got up his courage, and he launched out in such a way, when
+Mr. Sponge mounted, as would have shot a loose rider into the air. As it
+was, Mr. Sponge grappled manfully with him, and, letting the Latchfords
+into his sides, shoved him in front of the throng, as if nothing had
+happened. Mr. Leather then slunk back to the stables, to get out the hack
+to have a hunt in the distance.
+
+The hounds, as we said before, were desperately wild; but at length, by
+dint of coaxing and cracking, and whooping and hallooing, they got some ten
+couples out of the five-and-twenty gathered together, and Mr. Watchorn,
+putting himself at their head, trotted briskly on, blowing most lustily, in
+the hopes that the rest would follow. So he clattered along the avenue,
+formed between rows of sombre-headed firs and sweeping spruce, out of which
+whirred clouds of pheasants, and scuttling rabbits, and stupid hares kept
+crossing and recrossing, to the derangement of Mr. Watchorn's temper, and
+the detriment of the unsteady pack. Squeak, squeak, squeal sounded right
+and left, followed sometimes by the heavy retributive hand of Justice on
+the offenders' hides, and sometimes by the snarl, snap, and worry of a
+couple of hounds contending for the prey. Twang, twang, twang, still went
+the horn; and when the huntsman reached the unicorn-crested gates, between
+tea-caddy looking lodges, he found himself in possession of a clear
+majority of his unsizable pack. Some were rather bloody to be sure, and a
+few carried scraps of game, which fastidious masters would as soon have
+seen them without; but neither Sir Harry nor his huntsman cared about
+appearances.
+
+On clearing the lodges, and passing about a quarter of a mile on the
+Hardington road, hedge-rows ceased, and they came upon Farleyfair Downs,
+across which Mr. Watchorn now struck, making for a square plantation, near
+the first hill-top, where it had been arranged the bag-fox should be shook.
+It was a fine day, rather brighter perhaps, than sportsmen like, and there
+was a crispness in the air indicative of frost, but then there is generally
+a burning scent just before one. So thought Mr. Watchorn, as he turned his
+feverish face up to the bright, blue sky, imbibing the fine fresh air of
+the wide-extending downs, instead of the stale tobacco smoke of the fetid
+beer-shop. As he trotted over the springy sward, up the gently rising
+ground, he rose in his stirrups; and, laying hold of his horse's mane,
+turned to survey the long-drawn, lagging field behind.
+
+'You'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he to himself, as he ran
+them over in his eye, and thought there might be twenty or five-and-twenty
+horsemen; 'you'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he, 'if you mean
+to get away, for Wily Tom has his hat on the ground, which shows he has put
+him down, and if he's the sort of gem'man I expect he'll not be long in
+cover.'
+
+So saying, he resumed his seat in the saddle, and easing his horse,
+endeavoured, by sundry dog noises--such as, 'Yooi doit, Ravager!' 'Gently,
+Paragon!' 'Here again. Mercury!'--to restrain the ardour of the leading
+hounds, so as to let the rebellious tail ones up and go into cover with
+something like a body. This was rather a difficult task to accomplish, for
+those with him being light, and consequently anxious to be doing and ready
+for riot, were difficult to restrain from dashing forward; while those that
+had taken their diversion and refreshment among the game, were easy whether
+they did anything more or not.
+
+While Watchorn was thus manoeuvring his forces Wily Tom beckoned him on,
+and old Cruiser and Marmion, who had often been at the game before, and
+knew what Wily Tom's hat on the ground meant, flew to him full cry, drawing
+all their companions after them.
+
+'I think he's away to the west,' said Tom in an undertone, resting his hand
+on Watchorn's horse's shoulder; 'back home,' added he, jerking his head
+with a knowing leer of his roguish eye. 'They're on him!' exclaimed he
+after a pause, as the outburst of melody proclaimed that the hounds had
+crossed his line. Then there was such racing and striving among the field
+to get up, and such squeezing and crowding, and 'Mind, my horse kicks!' at
+the little white hunting wicket leading into cover. 'Knock down the wall!'
+exclaimed one. 'Get out of the way; I'll ride over it!' roared another. 'We
+shall be here all day!' vociferated a third. 'That's a header!' cried
+another, as a clatter of stones was followed by a pair of white breeches
+summerseting in the air with a horse underneath. 'It's Tom Sawbones, the
+doctor!' exclaimed one, 'and he can mend himself.' 'By Jove! but he's
+killed!' shrieked another. 'Not a bit of it,' added a third, as the dead
+man rose and ran after his horse. 'Let Mr. Bugles through,' cried Sir
+Harry, seeing his friend, or rather his wife's friend, was fretting the
+Arab.
+
+Meanwhile, the melody of hounds increased, and each man, as he got through
+the little gate, rose in his stirrups and hustled his horse along the green
+ride to catch up those on before. The plantation was about twenty acres,
+rather thick and briary at the bottom; and master Reynard, finding it was
+pretty safe, and, moreover, having attempted to break just by where some
+chawbacons were ploughing, had headed short back, so that, when the excited
+field rushed through the parallel gate on the far side of the plantation,
+expecting to see the pack streaming away over the downs, they found most of
+the hounds with their heads in the air, some looking for halloos, others
+watching their companions trying to carry the scent over the fallow.
+
+Watchorn galloped up in the frantic state half-witted huntsmen generally
+are, and one of the impromptu whips being in attendance, got quickly round
+the hounds, and commenced a series of assaults upon them that very soon
+sent them scuttling to Mr. Watchorn for safety. If they had been at the
+hares again, or even worrying sheep, he could not have rated or flogged
+more severely.
+
+'MARKSMAN! MARKSMAN! _ough, ye old Divil, get to him!_' roared the
+whip, aiming a stinging cut with his heavy knotty-pointed whip, at a
+venerable sage who still snuffed down a furrow to satisfy himself the fox
+was not on before he returned to cover--an exertion that overbalanced the
+whip, and would have landed him on the ground, had not he caught by the
+spur in the old mare's flank. Then he went on scrambling and rating after
+Marksman, the field exclaiming, as the Edmonton people did, by Johnny
+Gilpin:
+
+    He's on! no, he's off, he hangs by the mane!
+
+[Illustration: 'LET MR. BUGLES THROUGH']
+
+At last he got shuffled back into the saddle, and the cry of hounds in
+cover attracting the outsiders back, the scene quickly changed, and the
+horsemen were again overhead in wood. They now swept up the grass ride to
+the exposed part of the higher ground, the trees gradually diminishing in
+size, till, on reaching the top, they did not come much above a horse's
+shoulder. This point commanded a fine view over the adjacent country.
+Behind was the rich vale of Dairylow, with its villages and spires, and
+trees and enclosures, while in front was nothing but the undulating,
+wide-stretching downs, reaching to the soft grey hills in the distance.
+There was not, however, much time for contemplating scenery; for Wily Tom,
+who had stolen to this point immediately the hounds took up the scent, now
+viewed the fox stealing over a gap in the wall, and, the field catching
+sight, there was such a hullabaloo as would have made a more composed and
+orderly minded fox think it better to break instead of running the outside
+of the wall as this one intended to do. What wind there was swept over the
+downs; and putting himself straight to catch it, he went away whisking his
+brush in the air, as if he was fresh out of his kennel instead of a sack.
+Then what a commotion there was! Such jumpings off to lead down, such
+huggings and holdings, and wooa-ings of those that sat on, such slidings
+and scramblings, and loosenings and rollings of stones. Then the frantic
+horses began to bound, and the frightened riders to exclaim:
+
+'Do get out of my way, sir.'
+
+'Mind, sir! I'm a-top of you!'
+
+'Give him his head and let him go!' exclaimed the still drunken brother Bob
+Spangles, sliding his horse down with a slack rein.
+
+'That's your sort!' roared Sir Harry, and just as he said it, his horse
+dropped on his hind-quarters like a rabbit, landing Sir Harry comfortably
+on his feet, amid the roars of the foot-people, and the mirth of such of
+the horsemen as were not too frightened to laugh.
+
+'I think I'll stay where I am,' observed Mr. Bugles, preparing for a
+bird's-eye view where he was. 'This hunting,' said he, getting off the
+fidgety Arab, 'seems dangerous.'
+
+The parties who accomplished the descent had now some fine plain sailing
+for their trouble. The line lay across the open downs, composed of sound,
+springy, racing-like turf, extremely well adapted for trying the pace
+either of horses or hounds. And very soon it did try the pace of them, for
+they had not gone above a mile before there was very considerable tailing
+with both. To be sure, they had never been very well together, but still
+the line lengthened instead of contracting. Horses that could hardly be
+held downhill, and that applied themselves to the turf, on landing, as if
+they could never have enough of it, now began to bear upon the rein and
+hang back to those behind; while the hounds came straggling along like a
+flock of wild geese, with full half a mile between the leader and the last.
+However, they all threw their tongues, and each man flattered himself that
+the hound he was with was the first. In vain the galloping Watchorn looked
+back and tootled his horn; in vain he worked with his cap; in vain the
+whips rode at the tail hounds, cursing and swearing, and vowing they would
+cut them in two.
+
+There was no getting them together. Every now and then the fox might be
+seen, looking about the size of a marble, as he rounded some distant hill,
+each succeeding view making him less, till, at last, he seemed no bigger
+than a pea.
+
+Five-and-twenty minutes best pace over downs is calculated to try the
+mettle of anything; and, long before the leading hounds reached
+Cockthropple Dean, the field was choked by the pace. Sir Harry had long
+been tailed off; both the brothers Spangles had dropped astern; the horse
+of one had dropped too; Sawbones, the doctor's, had got a stiff neck;
+Willing, the road surveyor, and Mr. Lavender, the grocer, pulled up
+together. Muddyman, the farmer's four-year-old, had enough at the end of
+ten minutes; both the whips tired theirs in a quarter of an hour; and in
+less than twenty minutes Watchorn and Sponge were alone in their glory, or
+rather Sponge was in his glory, for Watchorn's horse was beat.
+
+'Lend me your horn!' exclaimed Sponge, as he heard by the hammer and
+pincering of Watchorn's horse, it was all U P with him.
+
+The horse stopped as if shot; and getting the horn, Mr. Sponge went on, the
+brown laying himself out as if still full of running. Cockthropple Dean was
+now close at hand, and in all probability the fox would not leave it. So
+thought Mr. Sponge as he dived into it, astonished at the chorus and echo
+of the hounds.
+
+[Illustration: 'HE'S AWAY!--REET 'CROSS TORNOPS']
+
+'Tally ho!' shouted a countryman on the opposite side; and the road Sponge
+had taken being favourable to the point, he made for it at a hand-gallop,
+horn in hand, to blow as soon as he got there.
+
+'He's away!' cried the man as soon as our friend appeared; 'reet 'cross
+tornops!' added he, pointing with his hoe.
+
+Mr. Sponge then put his horse's head that way, and blew a long shrill
+reverberating blast. As he paused to take breath and listen, he heard the
+sound of horses' hoofs, and presently a stentorian voice, half frantic with
+rage, exclaimed from behind:
+
+'WHO THE DICKENS ARE YOU?'
+
+'Who the Dickens are you?' retorted Mr. Sponge, without looking round.
+
+'They commonly call me the EARL OF SCAMPERDALE,' roared the same
+sweet voice, 'and those are my hounds.'
+
+'They're not your hounds!' snapped Mr. Sponge, now looking round on his
+big-spectacled, flat-hatted lordship, who was closely followed by his
+double, Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Not my hounds!' screeched his lordship. 'Oh, ye barber's apprentice! Oh,
+ye draper's assistant! Oh ye unmitigated Mahomedon! Sing out, Jack! sing
+out! For Heaven's sake, sing out!' added he, throwing out his arms in
+perfect despair.
+
+'Not his lordship's hounds!' roared Jack, now rising in his stirrups and
+brandishing his big whip. 'Not his lordship's hounds! Tell me _that_, when
+they cost him five-and-twenty 'underd--two thousand five 'underd a year!
+Oh, by Jingo, but that's a pretty go! If they're not his lordship's hounds,
+I should like to know whose they are?' and thereupon Jack wiped the foam
+from his mouth on his sleeve.
+
+'Sir Harry's!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, again putting the horn to his lips,
+and blowing another shrill blast.
+
+'Sir Harry's!' screeched his lordship in disgust, for he hated the very
+sound of his name--'Sir Harry's! Oh, you rusty-booted ruffian! Tell me that
+to my very face!'
+
+'Sir Harry's!' repeated Jack, again standing erect in his stirrups. 'What!
+impeach his lordship's integrity--oh, by Jove, there's an end of
+everything! Death before dishonour! Slugs in a saw-pit! Pistols and coffee
+for two! Cock Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!' And Jack,
+sinking exhausted on his saddle, again wiped the foam from his mouth.
+
+His lordship then went at Sponge again.
+
+'Oh, you sanctified, putrified, pestilential, perpendicular,
+gingerbread-booted, counter-skippin' snob, you think because I'm a lord,
+and can't swear or use coarse language, that you may do what you like; but
+I'll let you see the contrary,' said he, brandishing his brother to Jack's
+whip. 'Mark you, sir, I'll fight you, sir, any non-huntin' day you like,
+sir, 'cept Sunday.'
+
+Just then the clatter and blowing of horses was heard, and Frostyface
+emerged from the wood followed by the hounds, who, swinging themselves
+'forrard' over the turnips, hit off the scent and went away full cry,
+followed by his lordship and Jack, leaving Mr. Sponge transfixed with
+astonishment.
+
+'Changed foxes,' at length said Sponge, with a shake of his head; and just
+then the cry of hounds on the opposite bank confirmed his conjecture, and
+he got to Sir Harry's in time to take up his lordship's fox.
+
+His lordship's hounds ran into Sir Harry's fox about two miles farther on,
+but the hounds would not break him up; and, on examining him, he was found
+to have been aniseeded; and, worst of all, by the mark on his ear to be one
+that they had turned down themselves the season before, being one of a
+litter that Sly had stolen from Sir Harry's cover at Seedeygorse--a
+beautiful instance of retributive justice.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI
+
+FARMER PEASTRAW'S DÎNÉ-MATINÉE
+
+
+There are pleasanter situations than being left alone with twenty couple of
+even the best-mannered fox-hounds; far pleasanter situations than being
+left alone with such a tearing, frantic lot as composed Sir Harry
+Scattercash's pack. Sportsmen are so used (with some hounds at least) to
+see foxes 'in hand' that they never think there is any difficulty in
+getting them there; and it is only a single-handed combat with the pack
+that shows them that the hound does not bring the fox up in his mouth like
+a retriever. A tyro's first _tête-à-tête_ with a half-killed fox, with the
+baying pack circling round, must leave as pleasing a souvenir on the
+memory as Mr. Gordon Cumming would derive from his first interview with a
+lion.
+
+Our friend Mr. Sponge was now engaged with a game of 'pull devil, pull
+baker' with the hounds for the fox, the difficulty of his situation being
+heightened by having to contend with the impetuous temper of a
+high-couraged, dangerous horse. To be sure, the gallant Hercules was a good
+deal subdued by the distance and severity of the pace, but there are few
+horses that get to the end of a run that have not sufficient kick left in
+them to do mischief to hounds, especially when raised or frightened by the
+smell of blood; nevertheless, there was no help for it. Mr. Sponge knew
+that unless he carried off some trophy, it would never be believed he had
+killed the fox. Considering all this, and also that there was no one to
+tell what damage he did, he just rode slap into the middle of the pack, as
+Marksman, Furious, Thunderer, and Bountiful were in the act of despatching
+the fox. Singwell and Saladin (puppies) having been sent away howling, the
+one bit through the jowl, the other through the foot.
+
+'Ah! leave him--leave him--leave him!' screeched Mr. Sponge, trampling over
+Warrior and Tempest, the brown horse lashing out furiously at Melody and
+Lapwing. 'Ah, leave him! leave him!' repeated he, throwing himself off his
+horse by the fox, and clearing a circle with his whip, aided by the hoofs
+of the animal. There lay the fox before him killed, but as yet little
+broken by the pack. He was a noble fellow; bright and brown, in the full
+vigour of life and condition, with a gameness, even in death, that no other
+animal shows. Mr. Sponge put his foot on the body, and quickly whipped off
+his brush. Before he had time to pocket it, the repulsed pack broke in upon
+him and carried off the carcass.
+
+'Ah! dash ye, you may have _that_,' said he, cutting at them with his whip
+as they clustered upon it like a swarm of bees. They had not had a wild fox
+for five weeks.
+
+'Who-hoop!' cried Mr. Sponge, in the hopes of attracting some of the field.
+'WHO-HOOP!' repeated he, as loud as he could halloo. 'Where can
+they all be, I wonder?' said he, looking around; and echo answered--where?
+
+The hounds had now crunched their fox, or as much of him as they wanted.
+Old Marksman ran about with his head, and Warrior with a haunch.
+
+'Drop it, you old beggar!' cried Mr. Sponge, cutting at Marksman with his
+whip, and Mr. Sponge being too near to make a trial of speed prudent, the
+old dog did as he was bid, and slunk away.
+
+Our friend then appended this proud trophy to his saddle-flap by a piece of
+whipcord, and, mounting the now tractable Hercules, began to cast about in
+search of a landmark. Like most down countries, this one was somewhat
+deceptive; there were plenty of landmarks, but they were all the same
+sort--clumps of trees on hill-tops, and plantations on hill-sides, but
+nothing of a distinguishing character, nothing that a stranger could say,
+'I remember seeing that as I came'; or, 'I remember passing that in the
+run.' The landscape seemed all alike: north, south, east, and west, equally
+indifferent.
+
+'Curse the thing,' said Mr. Sponge, adjusting himself in his saddle, and
+looking about; 'I haven't the _slightest_ idea where I am. I'll blow the
+horn, and see if that will bring any one.'
+
+So saying, he applied the horn to his lips, and blew a keen, shrill blast,
+that spread over the surrounding country, and was echoed back by the
+distant hills. A few lost hounds cast up from various quarters, in the
+unexpected way that hounds do come to a horn. Among them were a few branded
+with S,[4] who did not at all set off the beauty of the rest.
+
+''Ord rot you, you belong to that old ruffian, do you?' said Mr. Sponge,
+riding and cutting at one with his whip, exclaiming, 'Get away to him, ye
+beggar, or I'll tuck you up short.'
+
+He now, for the first time, saw them together in anything like numbers, and
+was struck with the queerness and inequality of the whole. They were of all
+sorts and sizes, from the solemn towering calf-like fox-hound down to the
+little wriggling harrier. They seemed, too, to be troubled with various
+complaints and infirmities. Some had the mange; some had blear eyes; some
+had but one; many were out at the elbows; and not a few down at the toes.
+However, they had killed a fox, and 'Handsome is that handsome does,' said
+Mr. Sponge, as, with his horse surrounded by them, he moved on in quest of
+his way home.
+
+At first, he thought to retrace his steps by the marks of his horse's
+hoofs, and succeeded in getting back to the dean, where Sir Harry's hounds
+changed foxes with Lord Scamperdale's; but he got confused with the
+imprints of the other horses, and very soon had to trust entirely to
+chance. Chance, we are sorry to say, did not befriend him; for, after
+wandering over the wide-extending downs, he came upon the little hamlet of
+Tinkler Hatch, and was informed that he had been riding in a semicircle.
+
+He there got some gruel for his horse, and, with day closing in, now set
+off, as directed, on the Ribchester road, with the assurance that he
+'couldn't miss his way.' Some of the hounds here declined following him any
+farther, and slunk into cottages and outhouses as they passed along. Mr.
+Sponge, however, did not care for their company.
+
+Having travelled musingly along two or three miles of road, now thinking
+over the glorious run--now of the gallant way in which Hercules had carried
+him--now of the pity it was that there was nobody there to see--now of the
+encounter with Lord Scamperdale, just as he passed a well-filled stackyard,
+that had shut out the view of a flaming red brick house with a pea-green
+door and windows, an outburst of 'hoo-rays!' followed by one cheer
+more--'hoo-ray!' made the remaining wild hounds prick up their ears, and
+our friend rein in his horse, to hear what was 'up.' A bright fire in a
+room on the right of the door overpowered the clouds of tobacco-smoke with
+which the room was enveloped, and revealed sundry scarlet coats in the full
+glow of joyous hilarity. It was Sir Harry and friends recruiting at Fanner
+Peastraw's after their exertions; for, though they could not make much of
+hunting, they were always ready to drink. They were having a rare
+set-to--rashers of bacon, wedges of cheese, with oceans of malt-liquor. It
+was the appearance of a magnificent cold round of home-fed beef, red with
+saltpetre and flaky with white fat, borne on high by their host, that
+elicited the applause and the one cheer more that broke on Mr. Sponge's ear
+as he was passing--applause that was renewed as they caught a glimpse of
+his red coat, not on account of his safety or that of the hounds, but
+simply because being in the cheering mood, they were ready to cheer
+anything.
+
+'Hil-loo! there's Mr. What's-his-name!' exclaimed brother Bob Spangles, as
+he caught view of Sponge and the hounds passing the window.
+
+'So there is!' roared another; 'Hoo-ray!'
+
+'Hoo-ray!' yelled two or three more.
+
+'Stop him!' cried another.
+
+'Call him in,' roared Sir Harry, 'and let's liquor him.'
+
+'Hilloo! Mister What's-your-name!' exclaimed the other Spangles, throwing
+up the window. 'Hilloo, won't you come in and have some refreshment?'
+
+'Who's there?' asked Mr. Sponge, reining in the brown.
+
+'Oh, we're all here,' shouted brother Bob Spangles, holding up a tumbler of
+hot brandy-and-water; 'we're all here--Sir Harry and all,' added he.
+
+'But what shall I do with the hounds?' asked Mr. Sponge, looking down upon
+the confused pack, now crowding about his horse's head.
+
+'Oh, let the beef-eaters--the scene-shifters--I meant to say the
+servants--those fellows, you know, in scarlet and black caps, look after
+them,' replied brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'But there are none of them here,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, looking back on
+the deserted road.
+
+'None of them here!' hiccuped Sir Harry, who had now got reeled to the
+window. 'None of them here,' repeated he, staring vacantly at the uneven
+pack. 'Oh (hiccup) I'll tell you what do--(hiccup) them into a barn or a
+stable, or a (hiccup) of any sort, and we'll send for them when we want to
+(hiccup) again.' 'Then just you call them to you,' replied Sponge,
+thinking they would go to their master. 'Just you call them,' repeated he,
+'and I'll put them to you.'
+
+'(Hiccup) call to them?' replied Harry. 'I can't (hiccup).'
+
+'Oh yes!' rejoined Mr. Sponge; 'call one or two by their names, and the
+rest will follow.'
+
+'Names! (hiccup) I don't know any of their nasty names,' replied Sir Harry,
+staring wildly.
+
+'Towler! Towler! Towler! here, good dog--hoop!--here's your liquor!' cried
+brother Bob Spangles, holding the smoking tumbler of brandy-and-water out
+of the window, as if to tempt any hound that chose to answer to the name of
+Towler.
+
+There didn't seem to be a Towler in the pack; at least, none of them
+qualified for the brandy-and-water.
+
+'Oh, I'll (hiccup) you what we'll do,' exclaimed Sir Harry: 'I'll (hiccup)
+you what we'll do. 'We'll just give them a (hiccup) kick a-piece and send
+them (hiccuping) home,' Sir Harry reeling back into the room to the black
+horse-hair sofa, where his whip was.
+
+He presently appeared at the door, and, going into the midst of the hounds,
+commenced laying about him, rating, and cutting, and kicking, and shouting.
+
+[Illustration: SIR HARRY OF NONSUCH HOUSE]
+
+'Geete away home with ye, ye brutes; what are you all (hiccup)ing here
+about? Ah! cut off his tail!' cried he, staggering after a venerable
+blear-eyed sage, who dropped his stern and took off.
+
+'Be off! Does your mother know you're out?' cried Bob Spangles, out of the
+window, to old Marksman, who stood wondering what to do.
+
+The old hound took the hint also.
+
+'Now, then, old feller,' cried Sir Harry, staggering up to Mr. Sponge, who
+still sat on his horse, in mute astonishment at Sir Harry's mode of
+dealing with his hounds. 'Now, then, old feller,' said he, seizing Mr.
+Sponge by the hand, 'get rid of your quadruped, and (hiccup) in, and make
+yourself "o'er all the (hiccups) of life victorious," as Bob Spangles says,
+when he (hiccups) it neat. This is old (hiccup) Peastraw's, a (hiccup)
+tenant of mine, and he'll be most (hiccup) to see you.'
+
+'But what must I do with my horse?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing some of the
+dried sweat off the brown's shoulder as he spoke; adding, 'I should like to
+get him a feed of corn.'
+
+'Give him some ale, and a (hiccup) of sherry in it,' replied Sir Harry;
+'it'll do him far more good--make his mane grow,' smoothing the horse's
+thin, silky mane as he spoke.
+
+'Well, I'll put him up,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'and then come to you,'
+throwing himself, jockey fashion, off the horse as he spoke.
+
+'That's a (hiccup) feller,' said Sir Harry; adding, 'here's old Pea himself
+come to see after you.'
+
+So saying, Sir Harry reeled back to his comrades in the house, leaving Mr.
+Sponge in the care of the farmer.
+
+'This way, sir; this way,' said the burly Mr. Peastraw, leading the way
+into his farmyard, where a line of hunters stood shivering under a long
+cart-shed.
+
+'But I can't put my horse in here,' observed Mr. Sponge, looking at the
+unfortunate brutes.
+
+'No, sir, no,' replied Mr. Peastraw; 'put yours in a stable, sir; put yours
+in a stable'; adding, 'these young gents don't care much about their
+horses.'
+
+'Does anybody know the chap's name?' asked Sir Harry, reeling back into the
+room.
+
+'Know his name!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, don't you?'
+
+'No,' replied Sir Harry, with a vacant stare.
+
+'Why, you went up and shook hands with him, as if you were as thick as
+thieves,' replied Bob.
+
+'Did I?' hiccuped Sir Harry. 'Well, I thought I knew him. At least, I
+thought it was somebody I had (hiccup)ed before; and at one's own (hiccup)
+house, you know, one's 'bliged to be (hiccup) feller well (hiccup) with
+everybody that comes. But surely, some of you know his (hiccup) name,'
+added he, looking about at the company.
+
+'I think I know his (hiccup) face,' replied Bob Spangles, imitating his
+brother-in-law.
+
+'I've seen him somewhere,' observed the other Spangles, through a mouthful
+of beef.
+
+'So have I,' exclaimed some one else, 'but where I can't say.'
+
+'Most likely at church,' observed brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'Well, I don't think he'll corrupt me,' observed Captain Quod, speaking
+between the fumes of a cigar.
+
+'He'll not borrow much of me,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, producing a
+much tarnished green purse, and exhibiting two fourpenny-pieces at one end,
+and three-halfpence at the other.
+
+'Oh, I dare say he's a good feller,' observed Sir Harry; 'I make no doubt
+he's one of the right sort.'
+
+Just then in came the man himself, hat and whip in hand, waving the brush
+proudly over his head.
+
+'Ah, that's (hiccup) right, old feller,' exclaimed Sir Harry, again
+advancing with extended hand to meet him, adding, 'you'd (hiccup) all you
+wanted for your (hiccup) horse: mutton broth--I mean barley-water,
+foot-bath, everything right. Let me introduce my (hiccup) brother-in-law,
+Bob Spangles, my (hiccup) friend Captain Ladofwax, Captain Quod, Captain
+(hiccup) Bouncey, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and my (hiccup)
+brother-in-law, Mr. Spangles, as lushy a cove as ever was seen; ar'n't you,
+old boy?' added he, grasping the latter by the arm.
+
+All these gentlemen severally bobbed their heads as Sir Harry called them
+over, and then resumed their respective occupations--eating, drinking, and
+smoking.
+
+These were some of the debauched gentlemen Mr. Sponge had seen before
+Nonsuch House in the morning. They were all captains, or captains by
+courtesy. Ladofwax had been a painter and glazier in the Borough, where he
+made the acquaintance of Captain Quod, while that gentleman was an inmate
+of Captain Hudson's strong house. Captain Bouncey was the too well-known
+betting-office keeper; and Seedeybuck was such a constant customer of Mr.
+Commissioner Fonblanque's court, that that worthy legal luminary, on
+discharging him for the fifth time, said to him, with a very significant
+shake of the head, 'You'd better not come here again, sir.' Seedeybuck,
+being of the same opinion, had since fastened himself on to Sir Harry
+Scattercash, who found him in meat, drink, washing, and lodging. They were
+all attired in red coats, of one sort or another, though some of which were
+of a very antediluvian, and others of a very dressing-gown cut. Bouncey's
+had a hare on the button, and Seedeybuck's coat sat on him like a sack.
+Still a scarlet coat is a scarlet coat in the eyes of some, and the coats
+were not a bit more unsportsmanlike than the men. To Mr. Sponge's
+astonishment, instead of breaking out in inquiries as to where they had run
+to, the time, the distance, who was up, who was down, and so on, they began
+recommending the victuals and drink; and this, notwithstanding Mr. Sponge
+kept flourishing the brush.
+
+'We've had a rare run,' said he, addressing himself to Sir Harry.
+
+'Have you (hiccup)? I'm glad of it (hiccup). Pray have something to
+(hiccup) after it; you _must_ be (hiccup).'
+
+'Let me help you to some of this cold round of beef?' exclaimed Captain
+Bouncey, brandishing the great broad-bladed carving knife.
+
+'Have a slice of 'ot 'am,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'The finest run I ever rode!' observed Mr. Sponge, still endeavouring to
+get a hearing.
+
+'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry;' those (hiccup) hounds of mine are
+uncommon (hiccup).' He didn't know what they were, and the hiccup came very
+opportunely.
+
+'The pace was terrific!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry; 'and that's what makes me (hiccup)
+you're so (hiccup). Pea, here, has some rare old October--(hiccup) bushels
+to the (hiccup) hogshead.' 'It's capital!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck,
+frothing himself a tumblerful out of the tall brown jug.
+
+'So is this,' rejoined Captain Quod, pouring himself out a liberal
+allowance of gin.
+
+'That horse of mine carried me MAG_nificently_!' observed Mr. Sponge, with
+a commanding emphasis on the MAG.
+
+'Dare say he would,' replied Sir Harry; 'he looked like a (hiccup)er--a
+white 'un, wasn't he?'
+
+'No; a _brown_,' replied Mr. Sponge, disgusted at the mistake.
+
+'Ah, well; but there _was_ somebody on a white,' replied Sir Harry.
+'Oh--ah--yes--it was old Bugles on my lady's horse. By the (hiccup) way
+(hiccup), gentlemen, what's got Mr. Orlando (hiccup) Bugles?' asked Sir
+Harry, staring wildly round.
+
+'Oh! old Bugles! old Pad-the-Hoof! old Mr. Funker! the horse frightened him
+so, that he went home crying,' replied Bob Spangles.
+
+'Hope he didn't lose him?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'Oh no,' replied Bob; 'he gave a lad a shilling to lead him, and they
+trudged away very quietly together.'
+
+'The old (hiccup)!' exclaimed Sir Harry; 'he told me he was a member of the
+Surrey something.'
+
+'The Sorry Union,' replied Captain Quod. 'He _was_ out with them once, and
+fell off on his head and knocked his hat-crown out.'
+
+'Well, but I was telling you about the run,' interposed Mr. Sponge, again
+endeavouring to enlist an audience. 'I was telling you about the run,'
+repeated he.
+
+'Don't trouble yourself, my dear sir,' interrupted Captain Bouncey; 'we
+know all about it--found--checked--killed, killed--found--checked.'
+
+'You _can't_ know all about it!' snapped Mr. Sponge; 'for there wasn't a
+soul there but myself, much to my horror, for I had a reg'lar row with old
+Scamperdale, and never a soul to back me.'
+
+'What! you fell in with that mealy-mouthed gentleman, who can't (hiccup)
+swear because he's a (hiccup) lord, did you?' asked Sir Harry, his
+attention being now drawn to our friend.
+
+'_I did_,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'and a pretty passage of politeness we had
+of it.'
+
+'Indeed! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry. 'Tell us (hiccup) all about it.'
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Sponge, laying the brush lengthways before him on the
+table, as if he was going to demonstrate upon it. 'Well, you see we had a
+devil of a run--I don't know how many miles, as hard as ever we could lay
+legs to the ground; one by one the field all dropped astern, except the
+huntsman and myself. At last he gave in, or rather his horse did, and I was
+left alone in my glory. Well, we went over the downs at a pace that nothing
+but blood could live with, and, though my horse has never been beat, and is
+as thorough-bred as Eclipse--a horse that I have refused three hundred
+guineas for over and over again, I really did begin to think I might get to
+the bottom of him, when all of a sudden we came to a dean.'
+
+'Ah! Cockthropple that would be,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'Dare say,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'Cock-anything-you-like-to-call-it for me.
+Well, when we got there, I thought we should have some breathing time, for
+the fox would be sure to hug it. But no; no sooner had I got there than a
+countryman hallooed him away on the far side. I got to the halloo as quick
+as I could, and just as I was blowing the horn,' producing Watchorn's from
+his pocket as he spoke; 'for I must tell you,' said he, 'that when I saw
+the huntsman's horse was beat, I took this from him--a horn to a foot
+huntsman being of no more use, you know, than a side-pocket to a cow, or a
+frilled shirt to a pig. Well, as I was tootleing the horn for hard life,
+who should turn out of the wood but old mealy-mouth himself, as you call
+him, and a pretty volley of abuse he let drive at me.'
+
+'No doubt,' hiccuped Sir Harry; 'but what was _he_ doing there?'
+
+'Oh! I should tell you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'his hounds had run a fox into
+it, and were on him full cry when I got there.'
+
+'I'll be bund,' cried Sir Harry, 'it was all sham--that he just (hiccup)
+and excuse for getting into that cover. The old (hiccup) beggar is always
+at some trick, (hiccup)-ing my foxes or disturbing my covers or something,'
+Sir Harry being just enough of a master of hounds to be jealous of the
+neighbouring ones.
+
+'Well, however, there he was,' continued Mr. Sponge; 'and the first
+intimation I had of the fact was a great, gruff voice, exclaiming, "Who the
+Dickens are you?"
+
+'"Who the Dickens are you?" replied I.'
+
+'Bravo!' shouted Sir Harry.
+
+'Capital!' exclaimed Seedeybuck.
+
+'Go it, you cripples! Newgate's on fire!' shouted Captain Quod.
+
+'Well, what said he?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'"They commonly call me the Earl of Scamperdale," roared he, "and those are
+MY HOUNDS."
+
+'"They're _not_ your hounds," replied I.
+
+'"Whose are they, then?" asked he.
+
+'"Sir Harry Scattercash's, a devilish deal better fellow," replied I.
+
+'"Oh, by Jove!" roared he, "there's an end of everything, Jack," shouted he
+to old Spraggon, "this gentleman says these are not my hounds!"
+
+'"I'll tell you what it is, my lord," said I, gathering my whip and riding
+close up as if I was goin' to pitch into him, "I'll tell you what it is;
+you think, because you're a lord, you may abuse people as you like, but by
+Jingo you've mistaken your man. I'll not put up with any of your nonsense.
+The Sponges are as old a family as the Scamperdales, and I'll fight you any
+non-hunting day you like with pistols, broadswords, fists or
+blunder-busses."'
+
+'Well done you! Bravo! that's your sort!' with loud thumping of tables and
+clapping of hands, resounded from all parts.
+
+'By Jove, fill him up a stiff'un! he deserves a good drink after that!'
+exclaimed Sir Harry, pouring Mr. Sponge out a beaker, equal parts brandy
+and water.
+
+Mr. Sponge immediately became a hero, and was freely admitted into their
+circle. He was clearly a choice spirit--a trump of the first water--and
+they only wanted his name to be uncommonly thick with him. As it was, they
+plied him with victuals and drink, all seeming anxious to bring him up to
+the same happy state of inebriety as themselves. They talked and they
+chattered, and they abused Old Scamperdale and Jack Spraggon, and lauded
+Mr. Sponge up to the skies.
+
+Thus day closed in, with Farmer Peastraw's bright fire shedding its
+cheering glow over the now encircling group. One would have thought that,
+with their hearts mellow, and their bodies comfortable, their minds would
+have turned to that sport in whose honour they sported the scarlet; but no,
+hunting was never mentioned. They were quite as genteel as Nimrod's swell
+friends at Melton, who cut it altogether. They rambled from subject to
+subject, chiefly on indoor and London topics; billiards, betting-offices,
+Coal Holes, Cremorne, Cider Cellars, Judge and Jury Courts, there being an
+evident confusion in their minds between the characters of sportsmen and
+sporting men, or gents as they are called. Mr. Sponge tried hard to get
+them on the right tack, were it only for the sake of singing the praises of
+the horse for which he had so often refused three hundred guineas, but he
+never succeeded in retaining an hearing. Talkers were far more plentiful
+than listeners.
+
+At last they got to singing, and when men begin to sing, it is a sign that
+they are either drunk, or have had enough of each other's company. Sir
+Harry's hiccup, from which he was never wholly free, increased tenfold, and
+he hiccuped and spluttered at almost every word. His hand, which shook so
+at starting that it was odds whether he got his glass to his mouth or his
+ear, was now steadied, but his glazed eye and green haggard countenance
+showed at what a fearful sacrifice the temporary steadiness had been
+obtained. At last his jaw dropped on his chest, his left arm hung
+listlessly over the back of the chair, and he fell asleep. Captain Quod,
+too, was overcome, and threw himself full-length on the sofa. Captain
+Seedeybuck began to talk thick.
+
+Just as they were all about brought to a standstill, the trampling of
+horses, the rumbling of wheels, and the shrill twang, twang, twang of the
+now almost forgotten mail horn, roused them from their reveries. It was
+Sir Harry's drag scouring the country in search of our party. It had been
+to all the public-houses and beer-shops within a radius of some miles of
+Nonsuch House, and was now taking a speculative blow through the centre of
+the circle.
+
+It was a clear frosty night, and the horses' hoofs rang, and the wheels
+rolled soundly over the hard road, cracking the thin ice, yet hardly
+sufficiently frozen to prevent a slight upshot from the wheels.
+
+[Illustration: MR. BUGLES PREFERS DANCING TO HUNTING]
+
+Twang, twang, twang, went the horn full upon Farmer Peastraw's house,
+causing the sleepers to start, and the waking ones to make for the window.
+
+'COACH-A-HOY!' cried Bob Spangles, smashing a pane in a vain
+attempt to get the window up. The coachman pulled up at the sound.
+
+'Here we are, Sir Harry!' cried Bob Spangles, into his brother-in-law's
+ear, but Sir Harry was too far gone; he could not 'come to time.' Presently
+a footman entered with furred coats, and shawls, and checkered rugs, in
+which those who were sufficiently sober enveloped themselves, and those who
+were too far gone were huddled by Peastraw and the man; and amid much hurry
+and confusion, and jostling for inside seats, the party freighted the
+coach, and whisked away before Mr. Sponge knew where he was.
+
+When they arrived at Nonsuch House, they found Mr. Bugles exercising the
+fiddlers by dancing the ladies in turns.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII
+
+A MOONLIGHT RIDE
+
+
+The position, then, of Mr. Sponge was this. He was left on a frosty,
+moonlight night at the door of a strange farmhouse, staring after a
+receding coach, containing all his recent companions.
+
+'You'll not be goin' wi' 'em, then?' observed Mr. Peastraw, who stood
+beside him, listening to the shrill notes of the horn dying out in the
+distance.
+
+'No,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Rummy lot,' observed Mr. Peastraw, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Very!' replied Mr. Peastraw. 'Be the death of Sir Harry among 'em.'
+
+'Who are they all?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Rubbish!' replied Peastraw with a sneer, diving his hands into the depths
+of his pockets. 'Well, we'd better go in,' added he, pulling his hands out
+and rubbing them, to betoken that he felt cold.
+
+Mr. Sponge, not being much of a drinker, was more overcome with what he had
+taken than a seasoned cask would have been; added to which the keen night
+air striking upon his heated frame soon sent the liquor into his head. He
+began to feel queer.
+
+'Well,' said he to his host, 'I think I'd better be going.'
+
+'Where are you bound for?' asked Mr. Peastraw.
+
+'To Puddingpote Bower,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'S-o-o,' observed Mr. Peastraw thoughtfully; 'Mr. Crowdey's--Mr. Jogglebury
+that was?'
+
+'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'He is a deuce of a man, that, for breaking people's hedges,' observed Mr.
+Peastraw; after a pause, 'he can't see a straight stick of no sort, but
+he's sure to be at it.'
+
+'He's a great man for walking-sticks,' replied Mr. Sponge, staggering in
+the direction of the stable in which he put his horse.
+
+The house clock then struck ten.
+
+'She's fast,' observed Mr. Peastraw, fearing his guest might be wanting to
+stay all night.
+
+'How far will Puddingpote Bower be from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, no distance, sir, no distance,' replied Mr. Peastraw, now leading out
+the horse. 'Can't miss your way, sir--can't miss your way. First turn on
+the right takes you to Collins' Green; then keep by the side of the church,
+next the pond; then go straight forward for about a mile and a half, or two
+miles, till you come to a small village called Lea Green; turn short at the
+finger-post as you enter, and keep right along by the side of the hills
+till you come to the Winslow Woods; leave them to the left, and pass by Mr.
+Roby's farm, at Runton--you'll know Mr. Roby?'
+
+'Not I,' replied Mr. Sponge, hoisting himself into the saddle, and holding
+out a hand to take leave of his host.
+
+'Good night, sir; good night!' exclaimed Mr. Peastraw, shaking it; 'and
+have the goodness to tell Mr. Crowdey from me that the next time he comes
+here a bush-rangin', I'll thank him to shut the gates after him. He set all
+my young stock wrong the last time he was here.'
+
+'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge, riding off.
+
+Mr. Peastraw's directions were well calculated to confuse a clearer head
+than Mr. Sponge then carried; and the reader will not be surprised to learn
+that, long before he reached the Winslow Woods, he was regularly
+bewildered. Indeed, there is no surer way of losing oneself than trying to
+follow a long train of directions in a strange country. It is far better
+to establish one's own landmarks, and make for them as the natural course
+of the country seems to direct. Our forefathers had a wonderful knack of
+getting to points with as little circumlocution as possible. Mr. Sponge,
+however, knew no points, and was quite at sea; indeed, even if he had, they
+would have been of little use, for a fitful and frequently obscured moon
+threw such bewildering lights and shades around, that a native would have
+had some difficulty in recognizing the country. The frost grew more
+intense, the stars shone clear and bright, and the cold took our friend by
+the nape of the neck, shooting across his shoulder-blades and right down
+his back. Mr. Sponge wished and wished he was anywhere but where he
+was--flattening his nose against the coffee-room window of the Bantam,
+tooling in a hansom as hard as he could go, squaring along Oxford Street
+criticizing horses--nay, he wouldn't care to be undergoing Gustavus James
+himself--anything, rather than rambling about a strange country in a cold
+winter's night, with nothing but the hooting of owls and the occasional
+bark of shepherds' dogs to enliven his solitude. The houses were few and
+far between. The lights in the cottages had long been extinguished, and the
+occupiers of such of the farmhouses as would come to his knocks were gruff
+in their answers, and short in their directions. At length, after riding,
+and riding, and riding, more with a view of keeping himself awake than in
+the expectation of finding his way, just as he was preparing to arouse the
+inmates of a cottage by the roadside, a sudden gleam of moonlight fell upon
+the building, revealing the half-Swiss, half-Gothic lodge of Puddingpote
+Bower.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII
+
+PUDDINGPOTE BOWER
+
+
+We must now back the train a little, and have a look at Jog and Co.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jog had had another squabble after Mr. Sponge's departure in
+the morning, Mr. Jog reproving Mrs. Jog for the interest she seemed to take
+in Mr. Sponge, as shown by her going to the door to see him amble away on
+the piebald hack. Mrs. Jog justified herself on the score of Gustavus
+James, with whom she was quite sure Mr. Sponge was much struck, and to
+whom, she made no doubt, he would leave his ample fortune. Jog, on the
+other hand, wheezed and puffed into his frill, and reasserted that Mr.
+Sponge was as likely to live as Gustavus James, and to marry and to have a
+bushel of children of his own; while Mrs. Jog rejoined that he was 'sure to
+break his neck'--breaking their necks being, as she conceived, the
+inevitable end of fox-hunters. Jog, who had not prosecuted the sport of
+hunting long enough to be able to gainsay her assertion, though he took
+especial care to defer the operation of breaking his own neck as long as he
+could, fell back upon the expense and inconvenience of keeping Mr. Sponge
+and his three horses, and his saucy servant, who had taught their domestics
+to turn up their noses at his diet table; above all, at his stick-jaw and
+undeniable small-beer. So they went fighting and squabbling on, till at
+last the scene ended, as usual, by Mrs. Jogglebury bursting into tears, and
+declaring that Jog didn't care a farthing either for her or her children.
+Jog then bundled off, to try and fashion a most incorrigible-looking,
+knotty blackthorn into a head of Lord Chancellor Lyndhurst. He afterwards
+took a turn at a hazel that he thought would make a Joe Hume. Having
+occupied himself with these till the children's dinner-hour, he took a
+wandering, snatching sort of meal, and then put on his paletot, with a
+little hatchet in the pocket, and went off in search of the raw material in
+his own and the neighbouring hedges.
+
+Evening came, and with it came Jog, laden, as usual, with an armful of
+gibbeys, but the shades of night followed evening ere there was any tidings
+of the sporting inmates of his house. At length, just as Jog was taking his
+last stroll prior to going in for good, he espied a pair of vacillating
+white breeches coming up the avenue with a clearly drunken man inside them.
+Jog stood straining his eyes watching their movements, wondering whether
+they would keep the saddle or come off--whenever the breeches seemed
+irrevocably gone, they invariably recovered themselves with a jerk or a
+lurch--Jog now saw it was Leather on the piebald, and though he had no
+fancy for the man, he stood to let him come up, thinking to hear something
+of Sponge. Leather in due time saw the great looming outline of our friend
+and came staring and shaking his head, endeavouring to identify it. He
+thought at first it was the Squire--next he thought it wasn't--then he was
+sure it wasn't.
+
+'Oh! it's you, old boy, is it?' at last exclaimed he, pulling up beside the
+large holly against which our friend had placed himself, 'It's you, old
+boy, is it?' repeated he, extending his right hand and nearly overbalancing
+himself, adding as he recovered his equilibrium, 'I thought it was the old
+Woolpack at first,' nodding his head towards the house. 'Well,' spluttered
+he, pulling up, and sitting, as he thought, quite straight in the saddle,
+'we've had the finest day's sport and the most equitable drink I've enjoyed
+for many a long day. 'Ord bless us, what a gent that Sir 'Arry is! He's the
+sort of man that should have money. I'm blowed, if I were queen, but I'd
+melt all the great blubber-headed fellows like this 'ere Crowdey down, and
+make one sich man as Sir 'Arry out of the 'ole on 'em. Beer! they don't
+know wot beer is there! nothin' but the werry strongest hale, instead of
+the puzzon one gets at this awful mean place, that looks like nothin' but
+the weshin' o' brewers' haprons. Oh! I 'umbly begs pardon,' exclaimed he,
+dropping from his horse on to his knees on discovering that he was
+addressing Mr. Crowdey--'I thought it was Robins, the mole-ketcher.'
+
+'Thought it was Robins, the mole-catcher,' growled Jog; 'what have you to
+do with (puff) Robins, the (wheeze) mole-catcher?'
+
+Jog boiled over with indignation. At first he thought of kicking Leather, a
+feat that his suppliant position made extremely convenient, if not
+tempting. Prudence, however, suggested that Leather might have him up for
+the assault. So he stood puffing and wheezing and eyeing the blear-eyed,
+brandy-nosed old drunkard with, as he thought, a withering look of
+contempt; and then, though the man was drunk and the night was dark, he
+waddled off, leaving Mr. Leather on his once white breeches' knees. If Jog
+had had reasonable time, say an hour or an hour and twenty minutes, to
+improvise it in, he would have said something uncommonly sharp; as it was
+he left him with the pertinent inquiry we have recorded--'What have you to
+do with Robins, the mole-catcher?' We need hardly say that this little
+incident did not at all ingratiate Mr. Sponge with his host, who re-entered
+his house in a worse humour than ever. It was insulting a gentleman on his
+own ter-ri-tory--bearding an Englishman in his own castle. 'Not to be borne
+(puff),' said Jog.
+
+It was now nearly five o'clock, Jog's dinner hour, and still no Mr. Sponge.
+Mrs. Jog proposed waiting half an hour, indeed, she had told Susan, the
+cook, to keep the dinner back a little, to give Mr. Sponge a chance, who
+could not possibly change his tight hunting things for his evening tights
+in the short space of time that Jog could drop off his loose-flowing
+garments, wash his hands, and run the comb through his lank, candle-like
+hair.
+
+Five o'clock struck, and Jog was just applying his hand to the fat
+red-and-black worsted bell-pull, when Mrs. Jog announced what she had done.
+
+'Put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff)!' repeated he,
+blowing furiously into his clean shirt-frill, which stuck up under his nose
+like a hand-saw; 'put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff), I
+wish you wouldn't do such (wheeze) things without consulting (gasp) me.'
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you couldn't possibly sit down without him,' observed
+Mrs. Jog mildly.
+
+'Possibly! (puff), possibly! (wheeze),' repeated Jog. 'There's no possibly
+in the matter,' retorted he, blowing more furiously into the frill.
+
+Mrs. Jog was silent.
+
+'A man should conform to the (puff) hours of the (wheeze) house,' observed
+Jog, after a pause.
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you know hunters are always allowed a little law,'
+observed Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Law! (puff), law! (wheeze),' retorted Jog. 'I never want any law,'
+thinking of Smiler _v._ Jogglebury.
+
+Half-past five o'clock came, and still no Sponge; and Mrs. Jog, thinking it
+would be better to arrange to have something hot for him when he came, than
+to do further battle with her husband, gave the bell the double ring
+indicative of 'bring dinner.'
+
+'Nay (puff), nay (wheeze); when you have (gasp)ed so long,' growled Jog,
+taking the other tack, 'you might as well have (wheez)ed a little
+longer'--snorting into his frill as he spoke.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury said nothing, but slipped quietly out, as if after her
+keys, to tell Susan to keep so-and-so in the meat-screen, and have a few
+potatoes ready to boil against Mr. Sponge arrived. She then sidled back
+quietly into the room. Jog and she presently proceeded to that
+all-important meal. Jog blowing out the company candles on the side-table
+as he passed.
+
+Jog munched away with a capital appetite; but Mrs. Jog, who took the bulk
+of her lading in at the children's dinner, sat trifling with the contents
+of her plate, listening alternately for the sound of horses' hoofs outside,
+and for nursery squalls in.
+
+Dinner passed over, and the fruity port and sugary sherry soon usurped the
+places that stick-jaw pudding and cheese had occupied.
+
+'Mr. (puff) Sponge must be (wheeze), I think,' observed Jog, hauling his
+great silver watch out, like a bucket, from his fob, on seeing that it only
+wanted ten minutes to seven.
+
+'Oh, Jog!' exclaimed Mrs. Jog, clasping her beautiful hands, and casting
+her bright beady eyes up to the low ceiling.
+
+'Oh, Jog! What's the matter now? (puff--wheeze--gasp),' exclaimed our
+friend, reddening up, and fixing his stupid eyes intently on his wife.
+
+'Oh, nothing,' replied Mrs. Jog, unclasping her hands, and bringing down
+her eyes.
+
+'Oh, nothin'!' retorted Jog. 'Nothin'!' repeated he. 'Ladies don't get
+into such tantrums for nothin'.'
+
+'Well, then, Jog, I was thinking if anything should have ha--ha--happened
+Mr. Sponge, how Gustavus Ja--Ja--James will have lost his chance.' And
+thereupon she dived for her lace-fringed pocket-handkerchief, and hurried
+out of the room.
+
+But Mrs. Jog had said quite enough to make the caldron of Jog's jealousy
+boil over, and he sat staring into the fire, imagining all sorts of
+horrible devices in the coals and cinders, and conjuring up all sorts of
+evils, until he felt himself possessed of a hundred and twenty thousand
+devils.
+
+'I'll get shot of this chap at last,' said he, with a knowing jerk of his
+head and a puff into his frill, as he drew his thick legs under his chair,
+and made a semi-circle to get at the bottle. 'I'll get shot of this chap,'
+repeated he, pouring himself out a bumper of the syrupy port, and eyeing it
+at the composite candle. He drained off the glass, and immediately filled
+another. That, too, went down; then he took another, and another, and
+another; and seeing the bottle get low, he thought he might as well finish
+it. He felt better after it. Not that he was a bit more reconciled to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, but he felt more equal to cope with him--he even felt as
+if he could fight him. There did not, however, seem to be much likelihood
+of his having to perform that ceremony, for nine o'clock struck and no Mr.
+Sponge, and at half-past Mr. Crowdey stumped off to bed.
+
+Mrs. Crowdey, having given Bartholomew and Susan a dirty pack of cards to
+play with to keep them awake till Mr. Sponge arrived, went to bed, too, and
+the house was presently tranquil.
+
+It, however, happened that that amazing prodigy, Gustavus James, having
+been out on a sort of eleemosynary excursion among the neighbouring farmers
+and people, exhibiting as well his fine blue-feathered hat, as his
+astonishing proficiency in 'Bah! bah! black sheep,' and 'Obin and Ichard,'
+getting seed-cake from one, sponge cake from another, and toffy from a
+third, was troubled with a very bad stomach-ache during the night, of
+which he soon made the house sensible by his screams and his cries. Jog and
+his wife were presently at him; and, as Jog sat in his white cotton
+nightcap and flowing flannel dressing-gown in an easy chair in the nursery,
+he heard the crack of the whip, and the prolonged _yeea-yu-u-p_ of Mr.
+Sponge's arrival. Presently the trampling of a horse was heard passing
+round to the stable. The clock then struck one.
+
+[Illustration: GUSTAVUS JAMES IN TROUBLE]
+
+'Pretty hour for a man to come home to a strange house!' observed Mr. Jog,
+for the nurse, or Murry Ann, or Mrs. Jog, or any one that liked, to take
+up.
+
+Mrs. Jog was busy with the rhubarb and magnesia, and the others said
+nothing. After the lapse of a few minutes, the clank, clank, clank of Mr.
+Sponge's spurs was heard as he passed round to the front, and Mr. Jog stole
+out on to the landing to hear how he would get in.
+
+Thump! thump! thump! went Mr. Sponge at the door; rap--tap--tap he went at
+it with his whip.
+
+'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Bartholomew from the inside.
+
+Presently the shooting of bolts, the withdrawal of bands, and the opening
+of doors, were heard.
+
+'Not gone to bed yet, old boy?' said Mr. Sponge, as he entered.
+
+'No, thir!' snuffled the boy, who had a bad cold, 'been thitten up for
+you.'
+
+'Old puff-and-blow gone?' asked Mr. Sponge, depositing his hat and whip on
+a chair.
+
+The boy gave no answer.
+
+'Is old bellows-to-mend gone to bed?' asked Mr. Sponge in a louder voice.
+
+'The charman's gone,' replied the boy, who looked upon his master--the
+chairman of the Stir-it-stiff Union--as the impersonification of all
+earthly greatness.
+
+'Dash your impittance,' growled Jog, slinking back into the nursery; 'I'll
+pay you off! (puff),' added he, with a jerk of his white night-capped head,
+'I'll bellows-to-mend you! (wheeze).'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV
+
+FAMILY JARS
+
+
+Gustavus James's internal qualms being at length appeased, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey returned to bed, but not to sleep--sleep there was none for him. He
+was full of indignation and jealousy, and felt suspicious of the very
+bolster itself. He had been insulted--grossly insulted. Three such
+names--the 'Woolpack,' 'Old puff-and-blow,' and 'Bellows-to-mend'--no
+gentleman, surely, ever was called before by a guest, in his own house.
+Called, too, before his own servant. What veneration, what respect, could a
+servant feel for a master whom he heard called 'Old bellows-to-mend'? It
+damaged the respect inspired by the chairmanship of the Stir-it-stiff
+Union, to say nothing of the trusteeship of the Sloppyhocks, Tolpuddle, and
+other turnpike-roads. It annihilated everything. So he fumed, and fretted,
+and snorted, and snored. Worst of all, he had no one to whom he could
+unburden his grievance. He could not make the partner of his bosom a
+partner in his woes, because--and he bounced about so that he almost shot
+the clothes off the bed, at the thoughts of the 'why.'
+
+Thus he lay tumbling and tossing, and fuming and wheezing and puffing, now
+vowing vengeance against Leather, who he recollected had called him the
+'Woolpack,' and determining to have him turned off in the morning for his
+impudence--now devising schemes for getting rid of Mr. Sponge and him
+together. Oh, could he but see them off! could he but see the portmanteau
+and carpet-bag again standing in the passage, he would gladly lend his
+phaeton to carry them anywhere. He would drive it himself for the pleasure
+of knowing and feeling he was clear of them. He wouldn't haggle about the
+pikes; nay, he would even give Sponge a gibbey, any he liked--the pick of
+the whole--Wellington, Napoleon Bonaparte, a crowned head even, though it
+would damage the set. So he lay, rolling and restless, hearing every clock
+strike; now trying to divert his thoughts, by making a rough calculation
+what all his gibbeys put together were worth; now considering whether he
+had forgotten to go for any he had marked in the course of his
+peregrinations; now wishing he had laid one about old Leather, when he fell
+on his knees after calling him the 'Woolpack'; then wondering whether
+Leather would have had him before the County Court for damages, or taken
+him before Justice Slowcoach for the assault. As morning advanced, his
+thoughts again turned upon the best mode of getting rid of his most
+unwelcome guests, and he arose and dressed, with the full determination of
+trying what he could do.
+
+Having tried the effects of an upstairs shout the morning before, he
+decided to see what a down one would do; accordingly, he mounted the stairs
+and climbed the sort of companion-ladder that led to the servants' attics,
+where he kept a stock of gibbeys in the rafters. Having reached this, he
+cleared his throat, laid his head over the banisters, and putting an open
+hand on each side of his mouth to direct the sound, exclaimed with a loud
+and audible voice:
+
+'BARTHOLO--_m--e--w_!'
+
+'BAR--THO--LO--_m--e--e--w_!' repeated he, after a pause, with a
+full separation of the syllables and a prolonged intonation of the
+_m--e--w_.
+
+No Bartholomew answered.
+
+'MURRAY ANN!' then hallooed Jog, in a sharper, quicker key.
+'MURRAY ANN!' repeated he, still louder, after a pause.
+
+'Yes, sir! here, sir!' exclaimed that invaluable servant, tidying her
+pink-ribboned cap as she hurried into the passage below. Looking up, she
+caught sight of her master's great sallow chaps hanging like a flitch of
+bacon over the garret banister.
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann,' bellowed Mr. Jog, at the top of his voice, still holding
+his hands to his mouth, as soon as he saw her, 'Oh, Murry Ann, you'd better
+get the (puff) breakfast ready; I think the (gasp) Mr. Sponge will be
+(wheezing) away to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'And tell Bartholomew to get his washin' bills in.'
+
+'He harn't had no washin' done,' replied Mary Ann, raising her voice to
+correspond with that of her master.
+
+'Then his bill for postage,' replied Mr. Jog, in the same tone.
+
+'He harn't had no letters neither,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Oh, then, just get the breakfast ready,' rejoined Jog, adding, 'he'll be
+(wheezing) away as soon as he gets it, I (puff) expect.'
+
+'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as, with throbbing head, he lay
+tumbling about in bed, alleviating the recollections of the previous day's
+debauch with an occasional dive into his old friend _Mogg_. Corporeally, he
+was in bed at Puddingpote Bower, but mentally, he was at the door of the
+Goose and Gridiron, in St. Paul's Churchyard, waiting for the three o'clock
+bus, coming from the Bank to take him to Isleworth Gate.
+
+Jog's bellow to 'Bartholo--_m--e--w_' interrupted the journey, just as in
+imagination Mr. Sponge was putting his foot on the wheel and hallooing to
+the driver to hand him the strap to help him on to the box.
+
+'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he heard Jog's reiterated
+assertion that he would be wheezing away that day. 'Wish you may get it,
+old boy,' added he, tucking the now backless _Mogg_ under his pillow, and
+turning over for a snooze.
+
+When he got down, he found the party ranged at breakfast, minus the
+interesting prodigy, Gustavus James, whom Sponge proceeded to inquire after
+as soon as he had made his obeisance to his host and hostess, and
+distributed a round of daubed comfits to the rest of the juvenile party.
+
+'But where's my little friend, Augustus James?' asked he, on arriving at
+the wonder's high chair by the side of mamma. 'Where's my little friend,
+Augustus James?' asked he, with an air of concern.
+
+'Oh, _Gustavus_ James,' replied Mrs. Jog, with an emphasis on Gustavus;
+'_Gustavus_ James is not very well this morning; had a little indigestion
+during the night.'
+
+'Poor little hound,' observed Mr. Sponge, filling his mouth with hot
+kidney, glad to be rid for a time of the prodigy. 'I thought I heard a row
+when I came home, which was rather late for an early man like me, but the
+fact was, nothing would serve Sir Harry but I should go with him to get
+some refreshment at a tenant's of his; and we got on talking, first about
+one thing, and then about another, and the time slipped away so quickly,
+that day was gone before I knew where I was; and though Sir Harry was most
+anxious--indeed, would hardly take a refusal--for me to go home with him, I
+felt that, being a guest here, I couldn't do it--at least, not then; so I
+got my horse, and tried to find my way with such directions as the farmer
+gave me, and soon lost my way, for the moon was uncertain, and the country
+all strange both to me and my horse.'
+
+'What farmer was it?' asked Jog, with the butter streaming down the gutters
+of his chin from a mouthful of thick toast. 'Farmer--farmer--farmer--let
+me see, what farmer it was,' replied Mr. Sponge thoughtfully, again
+attacking the kidneys. 'Oh, farmer Beanstraw, I should say.'
+
+'_Pea_straw, p'raps?' suggested Jog, colouring up, and staring intently at
+Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Pea--Peastraw was the name,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I know him,' said Jog; 'Peastraw of Stoke.'
+
+'Ah, he said he knew you.' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Did he?' asked Jog eagerly. 'What did he say?'
+
+'Say--let me see what he said,' replied he, pretending to recollect.' He
+said "you are a deuced good feller," and I'd to make his compliments to
+you, and to say that there were some nice young ash saplings on his farm
+that you were welcome to cut.'
+
+'Did he?' exclaimed Jog; 'I'm sure that's very (puff) polite of him. I'll
+(wheeze) over there the first opportunity.'
+
+'And what did you make of Sir Harry?' asked Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Did you (puff) say you were going to (wheeze) over to him?' asked Jog
+eagerly.
+
+'I told him I'd go to him before I left the country,' replied Mr. Sponge
+carelessly; adding, 'Sir Harry is rather too fast a man for me.'
+
+'Too fast for himself, I should think,' observed Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Fine (puff--wheeze) young man,' growled Jog into the bottom of his cup.
+
+'Have you known him long?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'Oh, we fox-hunters all know each other,' replied Mr. Sponge evasively.
+
+'Well, now that's what I tell Mr. Jogglebury,' exclaimed she. 'Mr. Jog's so
+shy, that there's no getting him to do what he ought,' added the lady. 'No
+one, to hear him, would think he's the great man he is.'
+
+'Ought (puff)--ought (wheeze),' retorted Jog, puffing furiously into his
+capacious shirt-frill. 'It's one (puff) thing to know (puff) people out
+with the (wheeze) hounds, and another to go calling upon them at their
+(gasp) houses.' 'Well, but, my dear, that's the way people make
+acquaintance,' replied his wife. 'Isn't it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she,
+appealing to our friend.
+
+'Oh, certainly,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'certainly; all men are equal out
+hunting.'
+
+'So I say,' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury; 'and yet I can't get Jog to call on
+Sir George Stiff, though he meets him frequently out hunting.'
+
+'Well, but then I can't (puff) upon him out hunting (wheeze), and then
+we're not all equal (gasp) when we go home.'
+
+So saying, our friend rose from his chair, and after giving each leg its
+usual shake, and banging his pockets behind to feel that he had his keys
+safe, he strutted consequentially up to the window to see how the day
+looked.
+
+Mr. Sponge, not being desirous of continuing the 'calling' controversy,
+especially as it might lead to inquiries relative to his acquaintance with
+Sir Harry, finished the contents of his plate quickly, drank up his tea,
+and was presently alongside of his host, asking him whether he 'was good
+for a ride, a walk, or what?'
+
+'A (puff) ride, a (wheeze) walk, or a (gasp) what?' repeated Jog
+thoughtfully. 'No, I (puff) think I'll stay at (puff) home,' thinking that
+would be the safest plan.
+
+''Ord, hang it, you'll never lie at earth such a day as this!' exclaimed
+Sponge, looking out on the bright, sunny landscape.
+
+'Got a great deal to do,' retorted Jog, who, like all thoroughly idle men,
+was always dreadfully busy. He then dived into a bundle of rough sticks,
+and proceeded to select one to fashion into the head of Mr. Hume. Sponge,
+being unable to make anything of him, was obliged to exhaust the day in the
+stable, and in sauntering about the country. It was clear Jog was
+determined to be rid of him, and he was sadly puzzled what to do. Dinner
+found his host in no better humour, and after a sort of Quakers' meeting of
+an evening, they parted heartily sick of each other.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LV
+
+THE TRIGGER
+
+
+Jog slept badly again, and arose next morning full of projects for getting
+rid of his impudent, unceremonious, free-and-easy guest.
+
+Having tried both an up and a downstairs shout, he now went out and planted
+himself immediately under Mr. Sponge's bedroom window, and, clearing his
+voice, commenced his usual vociferations.
+
+'Bartholo--_m--e--w_!' whined he. '_Bartholo--m--e--w_!' repeated he,
+somewhat louder. 'BAR--THOLO--_m--e--w_!' roared he, in a voice of
+thunder.
+
+Bartholomew did not answer.
+
+'Murry Ann!' exclaimed Jog, after a pause. '_Murry Ann!_' repeated he,
+still louder. 'MURRAY ANN!' roared he, at the top of his voice.
+
+'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Mary Ann, peeping down upon him from the
+garret-window.
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann,' cried Mr. Jog, looking up, and catching the ends of her
+blue ribbons streaming past the window-frame, as she changed her nightcap
+for a day one, 'oh, Murry Ann, you'd better be (puff)in' forrard with the
+(gasp) breakfast; Mr. Sponge'll most likely be (wheeze)in' away to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann, adjusting the cap becomingly.
+
+'Confounded, puffing, wheezing, gasping, broken-winded old blockhead it
+is!' growled Mr. Sponge, wishing he could get to his former earth at
+Puffington's, or anywhere else. When he got down he found Jog in a very
+roomy, bright, green-plush shooting-jacket, with pockets innumerable, and a
+whistle suspended to a button-hole. His nether man was encased in a pair of
+most dilapidated white moleskins, that had been degraded from hunting into
+shooting ones, and whose cracks and darns showed the perils to which their
+wearer had been exposed. Below these were drab, horn-buttoned gaiters, and
+hob-nailed shoes.
+
+'Going a-gunning, are you?' asked Mr. Sponge, after the morning salutation,
+which Jog returned most gruffly.
+
+'I'll go with you,' said Mr. Sponge, at once dispelling the delusion of his
+wheezing away.
+
+'Only going to frighten the (puff) rooks off the (gasp) wheat,' replied Jog
+carelessly, not wishing to let Sponge see what a numb hand he was with a
+gun.
+
+'I thought you told me you were going to get me a hare,' observed Mrs. Jog;
+adding, 'I'm sure shooting is a much more rational amusement than tearing
+your clothes going after the hounds,' eyeing the much dilapidated moleskins
+as she spoke.
+
+Mrs. Jog found shooting more useful than hunting.
+
+'Oh, if a (puff) hare comes in my (gasp) way, I'll turn her over,' replied
+Jog carelessly, as if turning them over was quite a matter of course with
+him; adding, 'but I'm not (wheezing) out for the express purpose of
+shooting one.'
+
+'Ah, well,' observed Sponge, 'I'll go with you, all the same.'
+
+'But I've only got one gun,' gasped Jog, thinking it would be worse to have
+Sponge laughing at his shooting than even leaving him at home.
+
+'Then, we'll shoot turn and turn about,' replied the pertinacious guest.
+
+Jog did his best to dissuade him, observing that the birds were (puff)
+scarce and (wheeze) wild, and the (gasp) hares much troubled with poachers;
+but Mr. Sponge wanted a walk, and moreover had a fancy for seeing Jog
+handle his gun.
+
+Having cut himself some extremely substantial sandwiches, and filled his
+'monkey' full of sherry, our friend Jog slipped out the back way to loosen
+old Ponto, who acted the triple part of pointer, house-dog, and horse to
+Gustavus James. He was a great fat, black-and-white brute, with a head like
+a hat-box, a tail like a clothes-peg, and a back as broad as a well-fed
+sheep's. The old brute was so frantic at the sight of his master in his
+green coat, and wide-awake to match, that he jumped and bounced, and
+barked, and rattled his chain, and set up such yells, that his noise
+sounded all over the house, and soon brought Mr. Sponge to the scene of
+action, where stood our friend, loading his gun and looking as
+consequential as possible.
+
+'I shall only just take a (puff) stroll over moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry,'
+observed Jog, as Mr. Sponge emerged at the back door.
+
+[Illustration: FRANTIC DELIGHT OF PONTO]
+
+Jog's pace was about two miles and a half an hour, stoppages included, and
+he thought it advisable to prepare Mr. Sponge for the trial. He then
+shouldered his gun and waddled away, first over the stile into Farmer
+Stiffland's stubble, round which Ponto ranged in the most riotous,
+independent way, regardless of Jog's whistles and rates and the crack of
+his little knotty whip. Jog then crossed the old pasture into Mr. Lowland's
+turnips, into which Ponto dashed in the same energetic way, but these
+impediments to travelling soon told on his great buttermilk carcass, and
+brought him to a more subdued pace; still, the dog had a good deal more
+energy than his master. Round he went, sniffing and hunting, then dashing
+right through the middle of the field, as if he was out on his own account
+alone, and had nothing whatever to do with a master.
+
+'Why, your dog'll spring all the birds out of shot,' observed Mr. Sponge;
+and, just as he spoke, whirr! rose a covey of partridges, eleven in number,
+quite at an impossible distance, but Jog blazed away all the same.
+
+''Ord rot it, man! if you'd only held your (something) tongue,' growled
+Jog, as he shaded the sun from his eyes to mark them down, 'I'd have
+(wheezed) half of them over.'
+
+'Nonsense, man!' replied Mr. Sponge. 'They were a mile out of shot.'
+
+'I think I should know my (puff) gun better than (wheeze) you,' replied
+Jog, bringing it down to load.
+
+'They're down!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who, having watched them till they
+began to skim in their flight, saw them stop, flap their wings, and drop
+among some straggling gorse on the hill before them. 'Let's break the
+covey; we shall bag them better singly.'
+
+'Take time (puff), replied Jog, snorting into his frill, and measuring out
+his powder most leisurely. 'Take time (wheeze),' repeated he; 'they're just
+on the bounds of moy ter-ri-to-ry.'
+
+Jog had had many a game at romps with these birds, and knew their haunts
+and habits to a nicety. The covey consisted of thirteen at first, but by
+repeated blazings into the 'brown of 'em,' he had succeeded in knocking
+down two. Jog was not one of your conceited shots, who never fired but when
+he was sure of killing; on the contrary, he always let drive far or near;
+and even if he shot a hare, which he sometimes did, with the first barrel,
+he always popped the second into her, to make sure. The chairman's shooting
+afforded amusement to the neighbourhood. On one occasion a party of
+reapers, having watched him miss twelve shots in succession, gave him three
+cheers on coming to the thirteenth--but to our day. Jog had now got his gun
+reloaded with mischief, the cap put on, and all ready for a fresh start.
+Ponto, meanwhile, had been ranging, Jog thinking it better to let him take
+the edge off his ardour than conform to the strict rules of lying down or
+coming to heel. 'Now, let's on,' cried Mr. Sponge, stepping out quickly.
+
+'Take time (puff), take time (wheeze),' gasped Jog, waddling along; 'better
+let 'em settle a little (puff). Better let 'em settle a little (gasp),'
+added he, labouring on.
+
+'Oh no, keep them moving,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'keep them moving. Only get
+at 'em on the hill, and drive 'em into the fields below, and we shall have
+rare fun.'
+
+'But the (puff) fields below are not mine,' gasped Jog.
+
+'Whose are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh (puff), Mrs. Moses's,' gasped Jog. 'My stoopid old uncle,' continued
+he, stopping, and laying hold of Mr. Sponge's arm, as if to illustrate his
+position, but in reality to get breath, 'my stoopid old uncle (puff) missed
+buying that (wheeze) land when old Harry Griperton died. I only wanted that
+to make moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry extend all the (gasp) way up to
+Cockwhistle Park there,' continued he, climbing on to a stile they now
+approached, and setting aside the top stone. 'That's Cockwhistle Park, up
+there--just where you see the (puff) windmill--then (puff) moy (wheeze)
+ter-ri-to-ry comes up to the (wheeze) fallow you see all yellow with runch;
+and if my old (puff) uncle (wheeze) Crowdey had had the sense of a (gasp)
+goose, he'd have (wheezed) that when it was sold. Moy (puff) name was
+(wheeze) Jogglebury,' added he, 'before my (gasp) uncle died.'
+
+'Well, never mind about that,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'let us go on after
+these birds.'
+
+'Oh, we'll (puff) up to them presently,' observed Jog, labouring away, with
+half a ton of clay at each foot, the sun having dispelled the frost where
+it struck, and made the land carry.
+
+'_Presently!_' retorted Mr. Sponge. 'But you should make haste, man.'
+
+'Well, but let me go my own (puff) pace,' snapped Jog, labouring away.
+
+'Pace!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'your own crawl, you should say.'
+
+'Indeed!' growled Jog, with an angry snort.
+
+They now got through a well-established cattle-gap into a very rushy,
+squashy, gorse-grown pasture, at the bottom of the rising ground on which
+Mr. Sponge had marked the birds. Ponto, whose energetic exertions had been
+gradually relaxing, until he had settled down to a leisurely hunting-dog,
+suddenly stood transfixed, with the right foot up, and his gaze settled on
+a rushy tuft.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' ejaculated Jog, expecting every minute to see him dash at it.
+'P-o-o-n-to!' repeated he, raising his hand.
+
+Mr. Sponge stood on the tip-toe of expectation; Jog raised his wide-awake
+hat from his eyes and advanced cautiously with the engine of destruction
+cocked. Up started a great hare; bang! went the gun, with the hare none the
+worse. Bang! went the other barrel, which the hare acknowledged by two or
+three stotting bounds and an increase of pace.
+
+'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge.
+
+Away went Ponto in pursuit.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' shrieked Jog, stamping with rage.
+
+'I could have wiped your nose,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, covering the hare
+with a hedge-stake placed to his shoulder like a gun.
+
+'Could you?' growled Jog; ''spose you wipe your own,' added he, not
+understanding the meaning of the term.
+
+Meanwhile, old Ponto went rolling away most energetically, the farther he
+went the farther he was left behind, till the hare having scuttled out of
+sight, he wheeled about and came leisurely back, as if he was doing all
+right.
+
+Jog was very wroth, and vented his anger on the dog, which, he declared,
+had caused him to miss, vowing, as he rammed away at the charge, that he
+never missed such a shot before. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing him with a look of
+incredulity, thinking that a man who could miss such a shot could miss
+anything. They were now all ready for a fresh start, and Ponto, having
+pocketed his objurgation, dashed forward again up the rising ground over
+which the covey had dropped.
+
+Jog's thick wind was a serious impediment to the expeditious mounting of
+the hill, and the dog seemed aware of his infirmity, and to take pleasure
+in aggravating him.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog, as he slipped, and scrambled, and toiled, sorely
+impeded by the encumbrance of his gun.
+
+But P-o-o-n-to heeded him not. He knew his master couldn't catch him, and
+if he did, that he durstn't flog him.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog again, still louder, catching at a bush to prevent
+his slipping back. 'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-to!' wheezed he; but the dog just
+rolled his great stern, and bustled about more actively than ever.
+
+'Hang ye! but I'd cut you in two if I had you!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge,
+eyeing his independent proceedings.
+
+'He's not a bad (puff) dog,' observed Jog, mopping the perspiration from
+his brow.
+
+'He's not a good 'un,' retorted Mr. Sponge.
+
+'D'ye think not (wheeze)?' asked Jog.
+
+'Sure of it,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Serves me,' growled Jog, labouring up the hill.
+
+'Easy served,' replied Mr. Sponge, whistling, and eyeing the independent
+animal.
+
+'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-t-o!' gasped Jog, as he dashed forward on reaching
+level ground more eagerly than ever.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to! T-o-o-h-o-o!' repeated he, in a still louder tone, with the
+same success.
+
+'You'd better get up to him,' observed Mr. Sponge, 'or he'll spring all the
+birds.'
+
+Jog, however, blundered on at his own pace, growling:
+
+'Most (puff) haste, least (wheeze) speed.'
+
+The dog was now fast drawing upon where the birds lit; and Mr. Sponge and
+Jog having reached the top of the hill, Mr. Sponge stood still to watch the
+result.
+
+Up whirred four birds out of a patch of gorse behind the dog, all
+presenting most beautiful shots. Jog blazed a barrel at them without
+touching a feather, and the report of the gun immediately raised three
+brace more into the thick of which he fired with similar success. They all
+skimmed away unhurt.
+
+'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge again. 'You're what they call a good
+shooter but a bad hitter.'
+
+'You're what they call a (wheeze) fellow,' growled Jog.
+
+He meant to say 'saucy,' but the word wouldn't rise. He then commenced
+reloading his gun, and lecturing P-o-o-n-to, who still continued his
+exertions, and inwardly anathematizing Mr. Sponge. He wished he had left
+him at home. Then recollecting Mrs. Jog, he thought perhaps he was as well
+where he was. Still his presence made him shoot worse than usual, and there
+was no occasion for that.
+
+'Let _me_ have a shot now,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Shot (puff)--shot (wheeze); well, take a shot if you choose,' replied he.
+
+Just as Mr. Sponge got the gun, up rose the eleventh bird, and he knocked
+it over.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE GIVES PONTO A LESSON]
+
+'_That's_ the way to do it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, as the bird fell dead
+before Ponto.
+
+The excited dog, unused to such descents, snatched it up and ran off. Just
+as he was getting out of shot, Mr. Sponge fired the other barrel at him,
+causing him to drop the bird and run yelping and howling away. Jog was
+furious. He stamped, and gasped, and fumed, and wheezed, and seemed like to
+burst with anger and indignation. Though the dog ran away as hard as he
+could lick, Jog insisted that he was mortally wounded, and would die. 'He
+never saw so (wheeze) a thing done. He wouldn't have taken twenty pounds
+for the dog. No, he wouldn't have taken thirty. Forty wouldn't have bought
+him. He was worth fifty of anybody's money,' and so he went on, fuming and
+advancing his value as he spoke.
+
+Mr. Sponge stole away to where the dog had dropped the bird; and Mr. Jog,
+availing himself of his absence, retraced his steps down the hill, and
+struck off home at a much faster pace than he came. Arrived there, he found
+the dog in the kitchen, somewhat sore from the visitation of the shot, but
+not sufficiently injured to prevent his enjoying a most liberal plate of
+stick-jaw pudding supplied by a general contribution of the servants. Jog's
+wrath was then turned in another direction, and he blew up for the waste
+and extravagance of the act, hinting pretty freely that he knew who it was
+that had set them against it. Altogether he was full of troubles,
+vexations, and annoyances; and after spending another most disagreeable
+evening with our friend Sponge, went to bed more determined than ever to
+get rid of him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVI
+
+NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN
+
+
+Poor Jog again varied his hints the next morning. After sundry prefatory
+'Murry Anns!' and 'Bar-tho-lo-_mews_!' he at length got the latter to
+answer, when, raising his voice so as to fill the whole house, he desired
+him to go to the stable, and let Mr. Sponge's man know his master would be
+(wheezing) away.
+
+'You're wrong there, old buck,' growled Leather, as he heard the foregoing;
+'he's half-way to Sir 'Arry's by this time.'
+
+And sure enough, Mr. Sponge was, as none knew better than Leather, who had
+got him his horse, the hack being indisposed--that is to say, having been
+out all night with Mr. Leather on a drinking excursion, Leather having just
+got home in time to receive the purple-coated, bare-footed runner of
+Nonsuch House, who dropped in, _en passant_, to see if there was anything
+to stow away in his roomy trouser-pockets, and leave word that Sir Harry
+was going to hunt, and would meet before the house.
+
+Leather, though somewhat muzzy, was sufficiently sober to be able to
+deliver this message, and acquaint Mr. Sponge with the impossibility of his
+'ridin' the 'ack.' Indeed, he truly said that he had 'been hup with him all
+night, and at one time thought it was all hover with him,' the
+all-overishness consisting of Mr. Leather being nearly all over the hack's
+head, in consequence of the animal shying at another drunken man lying
+across the road.
+
+Mr. Sponge listened to the recital with the indifference of a man who rides
+hack-horses, and coolly observed that Leather must take on the chestnut,
+and he would ride the brown to cover.
+
+'Couldn't, sir, couldn't,' replied Leather, with a shake of the head and a
+twinkle of his roguish, watery grey eyes.
+
+'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge, who never saw any difficulty.
+
+'Oh, sur,' replied Leather, in a tone of despondency, 'it would be quite
+unpossible. Consider wot a day the last one was; why, he didn't get to rest
+till three the next mornin'.'
+
+'It'll only be walking exercise,' observed Mr. Sponge; 'do him good.'
+
+'Better valk the chestnut,' replied Mr. Leather; 'Multum in Parvo hasn't
+'ad a good day this I don't know wen, and will be all the better of a
+bucketin'.'
+
+'But I hate crawling to cover on my horse,' replied Mr. Sponge, who liked
+cantering along with a flourish.
+
+'You'll have to crawl if you ride 'Ercles,' observed Leather, 'if not walk.
+Bless you! I've been a-nussin' of him and the 'ack most the 'ole night.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, who began to be alarmed lest his hunting
+might be brought to an abrupt termination.
+
+'True as I'm 'ere,' rejoined Leather. 'He's just as much off his grub as he
+vos when he com'd in; never see'd an 'oss more reg'larly dished--more--'
+
+'Well, well,' said Mr. Sponge, interrupting the catalogue of grievances; 'I
+s'pose I must do as you say--I s'pose I must do as you say: what sort of a
+day is it?'
+
+'Vy, the day's not a bad day; at least that's to say, it's not a wery
+haggrivatin' day. I've seen a betterer day, in course; but I've also seen
+many a much worser day, and days at this time of year, you know, are apt to
+change--sometimes, in course, for the betterer--sometimes, in course, for
+the worser.'
+
+'Is it a frost?' snapped Mr. Sponge, tired of his loquacity.
+
+'Is it a frost?' repeated Mr. Leather thoughtfully; 'is it a frost? Vy, no;
+I should say it _isn't_ a frost--at least, not a frost to 'urt; there may
+be a little rind on the ground and a little rawness in the hair, but the
+general concatenation--'
+
+'Hout, tout!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'let's have none of your dictionary
+words.'
+
+Mr. Leather stood silent, twisting his hat about.
+
+The consequence of all this was, that Mr. Sponge determined to ride over to
+Nonsuch House to breakfast, which would give his horse half an hour in the
+stable to eat a feed of corn. Accordingly, he desired Leather to bring him
+his shaving-water, and have the horse ready in the stable in half an hour,
+whither, in due time, Mr. Sponge emerged by the back door, without
+encountering any of the family. The ambling piebald looked so crestfallen
+and woebegone in all the swaddling-clothes in which Leather had got him
+enveloped, that Mr. Sponge did not care to look at the gallant Hercules,
+who occupied a temporary loose-box at the far end of the dark stable, lest
+he might look worse. He, therefore, just mounted Multum in Parvo as Leather
+led him out at the door, and set off without a word.
+
+'Well, hang me, but you are a good judge of weather,' exclaimed Sponge to
+himself, as he got into the field at the back of the house, and found the
+horse made little impression on the grass. '_No frost!_' repeated he,
+breathing into the air; 'why it's freezing now, out of the sun.'
+
+On getting into Marygold Lane, our friend drew rein, and was for turning
+back, but the resolute chestnut took the bit between his teeth and shook
+his head, as if determined to go on.
+
+'Oh, you brute!' growled Mr. Sponge, letting the spurs into his sides with
+a hearty good-will, which caused the animal to kick, as if he meant to
+stand on his head. 'Ah, you _will_, will ye?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, letting
+the spurs in again as the animal replaced his legs on the ground. Up they
+went again, if possible higher than before.
+
+The brute was clearly full of mischief, and even if the hounds did not
+throw off, which there was little prospect of their doing from the
+appearance of the weather, Mr. Sponge felt that it would be well to get
+some of the nonsense taken out of him; and, moreover, going to Nonsuch
+House would give him a chance of establishing a billet there--a chance that
+he had been deprived of by Sir Harry's abrupt departure from Farmer
+Peastraw's. So saying, our friend gathered his horse together, and settling
+himself in his saddle, made his sound hoofs ring upon the hard road.
+
+'He _may_ hunt,' thought Mr. Sponge, as he rattled along; 'such a rum
+beggar as Sir Harry may think it fun to go out in a frost. It's hard, too,'
+said he, as he saw the poor turnip-pullers enveloped in their thick shawls,
+and watched them thumping their arms against their sides to drive the cold
+from their finger-ends.
+
+Multum in Parvo was a good, sound-constitutioned horse, hard and firm as a
+cricket-ball, a horse that would not turn a hair for a trifle even on a
+hunting morning, let alone on such a thorough chiller as this one was; and
+Mr. Sponge, after going along at a good round pace, and getting over the
+ground much quicker than he did when the road was all new to him, and he
+had to ask his way, at length drew in to see what o'clock it was. It was
+only half-past nine, and already in the far distance he saw the encircling
+woods of Nonsuch House.
+
+'Shall be early,' said Mr. Sponge, returning his watch to his
+waistcoat-pocket, and diving into his cutty coat-pocket for the cigar-case.
+Having struck a light, he now laid the rein on the horse's neck and
+proceeded leisurely along, the animal stepping gaily and throwing its head
+about as if he was the quietest, most trustworthy nag in the world. If he
+got there at half-past ten, Mr. Sponge calculated he would have plenty of
+time to see after his horse, get his own breakfast, and see how the land
+lay for a billet.
+
+It would be impossible to hunt before twelve; so he went smoking and
+sauntering along, now wondering whether he would be able to establish a
+billet, now thinking how he would like to sell Sir Harry a horse, then
+considering whether he would be likely to pay for him, and enlivening the
+general reflections by ringing his spurs against his stirrup-irons.
+
+Having passed the lodges at the end of the avenue, he cocked his hat,
+twiddled his hair, felt his tie, and arranged for a becoming appearance.
+The sudden turn of the road brought him full upon the house. How changed
+the scene! Instead of the scarlet-coated youths thronging the gravelled
+ring, flourishing their scented kerchiefs and hunting-whips--instead of
+buxom Abigails and handsome mistresses hanging out of the windows, flirting
+and chatting and ogling, the door was shut, the blinds were down, the
+shutters closed, and the whole house had the appearance of mourning.
+
+Mr. Sponge reined up involuntarily, startled at the change of scene. What
+could have happened! Could Sir Harry be dead? Could my lady have eloped?
+'Oh, that horrid Bugles!' thought he; 'he looked like a gay deceiver.' And
+Mr. Sponge felt as if he had sustained a personal injury.
+
+Just as these thoughts were passing in his mind, a drowsy, slatternly
+charwoman, in an old black straw bonnet and grey bed-gown, opened one of
+the shutters, and throwing up the sash of the window by where Mr. Sponge
+sat, disclosed the contents of the apartment. The last waxlight was just
+dying out in the centre of a splendid candelabra on the middle of a table
+scattered about with claret-jugs, glasses, decanters, pine-apple tops,
+grape-dishes, cakes, anchovy-toast plates, devilled biscuit-racks--all the
+concomitants of a sumptuous entertainment.
+
+'Sir Harry at home?' asked Mr. Sponge, making the woman sensible of his
+presence, by cracking his whip close to her ear. 'No,' replied the dame
+gruffly, commencing an assault upon the nearest chair with a duster.
+
+'Where is he?' asked our friend.
+
+'Bed, to be sure,' replied the woman, in the same tone.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE'S RED COAT COMMANDS NO RESPECT]
+
+'Bed, to be sure,' repeated Mr. Sponge. 'I don't think there's any 'sure'
+in the case. Do you know what o'clock it is?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied the woman, flopping away at another chair, and arranging the
+crimson velvet curtains on the holders.
+
+Mr. Sponge was rather nonplussed. His red coat did not command the respect
+that a red coat generally does. The fact was, they had such queer people in
+red coats at Nonsuch House, that a red coat was rather an object of
+suspicion than otherwise.
+
+'Well, but, my good woman,' continued Mr. Sponge, softening his tone, 'can
+you tell me where I shall find anybody who can tell me anything about the
+hounds?'
+
+'No,' growled the woman, still flopping, and whisking, and knocking the
+furniture about.
+
+'I'll remember you for your trouble,' observed Mr. Sponge, diving his right
+hand into his breeches' pocket.
+
+'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,' observed the woman, now ceasing her
+evolutions, and parting her grisly, disordered tresses, as she advanced and
+stood staring, with her arms akimbo, out of the window. She was the
+under-housemaid's deputy; all the servants at Nonsuch House doing the rough
+of their work by deputy. Lady Scattercash was a _real_ lady, and liked to
+have the credit of the house maintained, which of course can only be done
+by letting the upper servants do nothing. 'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,'
+observed the woman.
+
+'Mr. Bottleends?' repeated Mr. Sponge; 'who's he?'
+
+'The butler, to be sure,' replied she, astonished that any person should
+have to ask who such an important personage was.
+
+'Can't you call him?' asked Mr. Sponge, still fumbling in his pocket.
+
+'Couldn't, if it was ever so,' replied the dame, smoothing her dirty
+blue-checked apron with her still dirtier hand.
+
+'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Why not?' repeated the woman; 'why, 'cause Mr. Bottleends won't be
+disturbed by no one. He said when he went to bed that he hadn't to be
+called till to-morrow.'
+
+'Not called till to-morrow!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'then is Sir Harry from
+home?'
+
+'From home, no; what should put that i' your head?' sneered the woman.
+
+'Why, if the butler's in bed, one may suppose the master's away.'
+
+'Hout!' snapped the woman; 'Sir Harry's i' bed--Captin Seedeybuck's i'
+bed--Captin Quod's i' bed--Captin Spangle's i' bed--Captin Bouncey's i'
+bed--Captin Cutitfat's i' bed--they're all i' bed 'cept me, and I've got
+the house to clean and right, and high time it was cleaned and righted, for
+they've not been i' bed these three nights any on 'em.' So saying, she
+flourished her duster as if about to set-to again.
+
+'Well, but tell me,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'can I see the footman, or the
+huntsman, or the groom, or a helper, or anybody?'
+
+'Deary knows,' replied the woman thoughtfully, resting her chin on her
+hand. 'I dare say they'll be all i' bed too.'
+
+'But they are going to hunt, aren't they?' asked our friend.
+
+'_Hunt!_' exclaimed the woman; 'what should put that i' your head.'
+
+'Why, they sent me word they were.'
+
+'It'll be i' bed, then,' observed she, again giving symptoms of a desire to
+return to her dusting.
+
+Mr. Sponge, who still kept his hand in his pocket, sat on his horse in a
+state of stupid bewilderment. He had never seen a case of this sort
+before--a house shut up, and a master of hounds in bed when the hounds were
+to meet before the door. It couldn't be the case: the woman must be
+dreaming, or drunk, or both.
+
+'Well, but, my good woman,' exclaimed he, as she gave a punishing cut at
+the chair, as if to make up for lost time; 'well, but, my good woman, I
+wish you would try and find somebody who can tell me something about the
+hounds. I'm sure they must be going to hunt. I'll remember you for your
+trouble, if you will,' added he, again diving his hand up to the wrist in
+his pocket.
+
+'I tell you,' replied the woman slowly and deliberately, 'there'll be no
+huntin' to-day. Huntin'!' exclaimed she; 'how can they hunt when they've
+all had to be carried to bed?'
+
+'Carried to bed! had they?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'what, were they drunk?'
+
+'Drunk! aye, to be sure. What would you have them be?' replied the crone,
+who seemed to think that drinking was a necessary concomitant of hunting.
+
+'Well, but I can see the footman or somebody, surely,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+fearing that his chance was out for a billet, and recollecting old Jog's
+'Bartholo-_m-e-ws_!' and 'Murry Anns!' and intimations for him to start.
+
+''Deed you can't,' replied the dame--'ye can see nebody but me,' added she,
+fixing her twinkling eyes intently upon him as she spoke.
+
+'Well, that's a pretty go,' observed Mr. Sponge aloud to himself, ringing
+his spurs against his stirrup-irons.
+
+'Pretty go or ugly go,' snapped the woman, thinking it was a reflection on
+herself, 'it's all you'll get'; and thereupon she gave the back of the
+chair a hearty bastinadoing as if in exemplification of the way she would
+like to serve Mr. Sponge out for the observation.
+
+'I came here thinking to get some breakfast,' observed Mr. Sponge, casting
+an eye upon the disordered table, and reconnoitring the bottles and the
+remains of the dessert.
+
+'Did you?' said the woman; 'I wish you may get it.'
+
+'I wish I may,' replied he. 'If you would manage that for me, just some
+coffee and a mutton chop or two, I'd remember you,' said he, still
+tantalizing her with the sound of the silver in his pocket.
+
+'Me manish it!' exclaimed the woman, her hopes again rising at the sound;
+'me manish it! how d'ye think I'm to manish sich things?' asked she.
+
+'Why, get at the cook, or the housekeeper, or somebody,' replied Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'Cook or housekeeper!' exclaimed she. 'There'll be no cook or housekeeper
+astir here these many hours yet; I question,' added she, 'they get up
+to-day.'
+
+'What! they've been put to bed too, have they?' asked he.
+
+'W-h-y no--not zactly that,' drawled the woman; 'but when sarvants are kept
+up three nights out of four, they must make up for lost time when they
+can.'
+
+'Well,' mused Mr. Sponge, 'this is a bother, at all events; get no
+breakfast, lose my hunt, and perhaps a billet into the bargain. Well,
+there's sixpence for you, my good woman,' said he at length, drawing his
+hand out of his pocket and handing her the contents through the window;
+adding, 'don't make a beast of yourself with it.'
+
+'It's nabbut _fourpence_,' observed the woman, holding it out on the palm
+of her hand.
+
+'Ah, well, you're welcome to it whatever it is,' replied our friend,
+turning his horse to go away. A thought then struck him. 'Could you get me
+a pen and ink, think you?' asked he; 'I want to write a line to Sir Harry.'
+
+'Pen and ink!' replied the woman, who had pocketed the groat and resumed
+her dusting; 'I don't know where they keep no such things as penses and
+inkses.'
+
+'Most likely in the drawing-room or the sitting-room, or perhaps in the
+butler's pantry,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well, you can come in and see,' replied the woman, thinking there was no
+occasion to give herself any more trouble for the fourpenny-piece.
+
+Our worthy friend sat on his horse a few seconds staring intently into the
+dining-room window, thinking that lapse of time might cause the
+fourpenny-piece to be sufficiently respected to procure him something like
+directions how to proceed as well to get rid of his horse, as to procure
+access to the house, the door of which stood frowningly shut. In this,
+however, he was mistaken, for no sooner had the woman uttered the words,
+'Well, you can come in and see,' than she flaunted into the interior of the
+room, and commenced a regular series of assaults upon the furniture,
+throwing the hearth-rug over one chair back, depositing the fire-irons in
+another, rearing the steel fender up against the Carrara marble
+chimney-piece, and knocking things about in the independent way that
+servants treat unoffending furniture, when master and mistress are
+comfortably esconced in bed. 'Flop' went the duster again; 'bang' went the
+furniture; 'knock' this chair went against that, and she seemed bent upon
+putting all things into that happy state of sixes and sevens that
+characterizes a sale of household furniture, when chairs mount tables, and
+the whole system of domestic economy is revolutionized. Seeing that he was
+not going to get anything more for his money, our friend at length turned
+his horse and found his way to the stables by the unerring drag of
+carriage-wheels. All things there being as matters were in the house, he
+put the redoubtable nag into a stall, and helped him to a liberal measure
+of oats out of the well-stored unlocked corn-bin. He then sought the back
+of the house by the worn flagged-way that connected it with the stables.
+The back yard was in the admired confusion that might be expected from the
+woman's account. Empty casks and hampers were piled and stowed away in all
+directions, while regiments of champagne and other bottles stood and lay
+about among blacking bottles, Seltzer-water bottles, boot-trees,
+bath-bricks, old brushes, and stumpt-up besoms. Several pair of dirty
+top-boots, most of them with the spurs on, were chucked into the shoe-house
+just as they had been taken off. The kitchen, into which our friend now
+entered, was in the same disorderly state. Numerous copper pans stood
+simmering on the charcoal stoves, and the jointless jack still revolved on
+the spit. A dirty slip-shod girl sat sleeping, with her apron thrown over
+her head, which rested on the end of a table. The open door of the
+servants' hall hard by disclosed a pile of dress and other clothes, which,
+after mopping up the ale and other slops, would be carefully folded and
+taken back to the rooms of their respective owners.
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF NONSUCH HOUSE]
+
+'Halloo!' cried Mr. Sponge, shaking the sleeping girl by the shoulder,
+which caused her to start up, stare, and rub her eyes in wild affright.
+'Halloo!' repeated he, 'what's happened you?'
+
+'Oh, beg pardon, sir!' exclaimed she; 'beg pardon,' continued she, clasping
+her hands; 'I'll never do so again, sir; no, sir, I'll never do so again,
+indeed I won't.'
+
+She had just stolen a shape of blanc-mange, and thought she was caught.
+
+'Then show me where I'll find pen and ink and paper,' replied our friend.
+
+'Oh, sir, I don't know nothin' about them,' replied the girl; 'indeed, sir,
+I don't'; thinking it was some other petty larceny he was inquiring about.
+
+'Well, but you can tell me where to find a sheet of paper, surely?'
+rejoined he.
+
+'Oh, indeed, sir, I can't,' replied she; 'I know nothin' about nothin' of
+the sort.' Servants never do.
+
+'What sort?' asked Mr. Sponge, wondering at her vehemence.
+
+'Well, sir, about what you said,' sobbed the girl, applying the corner of
+her dirty apron to her eyes.
+
+'Hang it, the girl's mad,' rejoined our friend, brushing by, and making for
+the passage beyond. This brought him past the still-room, the steward's
+room, the housekeeper's room, and the butler's pantry. All were in most
+glorious confusion; in the latter, Captain Cutitfat's lacquer-toed,
+lavender-coloured dress-boots were reposing in the silver soup tureen, and
+Captain Bouncey's varnished pumps were stuffed into a wine-cooler. The last
+detachment of empty bottles stood or lay about the floor, commingling with
+boot-jacks, knife-trays, bath-bricks, coat-brushes, candle-end boxes,
+plates, lanterns, lamp-glasses, oil bottles, corkscrews,
+wine-strainers--the usual miscellaneous appendages of a butler's pantry.
+All was still and quiet; not a sound, save the loud ticking of a timepiece,
+or the occasional creak of a jarring door, disturbed the solemn silence of
+the house. A nimble-handed mugger or tramp might have carried off whatever
+he liked.
+
+Passing onward, Mr. Sponge came to a red-baized, brass-nailed door, which,
+opening freely on a patent spring, revealed the fine proportions of a light
+picture-gallery with which the bright mahogany doors of the entertaining
+rooms communicated. Opening the first door he came to, our friend found
+himself in the elegant drawing-room, on whose round bird's-eye-maple table,
+in the centre, were huddled all the unequal-lengthed candles of the
+previous night's illumination. It was a handsome apartment, fitted up in
+the most costly style; with rose-colour brocaded satin damask, the curtains
+trimmed with silk tassel fringe, and ornamented with massive bullion
+tassels on cornices, Cupids supporting wreaths under an arch, with open
+carved-work and enrichments in burnished gold. The room, save the muster of
+the candles, was just as it had been left; and the richly gilt sofa still
+retained the indentations of the sitters, with the luxurious down pillows,
+left as they had been supporting their backs.
+
+The room reeked of tobacco, and the ends and ashes of cigars dotted the
+tables and white marble chimney-piece, and the gilt slabs and the finely
+flowered Tournay carpet, just as the fires of gipsies dot and disfigure the
+fair face of a country. Costly china and nick-nacks of all sorts were
+scattered about in profusion. Altogether, it was a beautiful room.
+
+'No want of money here,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he eyed it, and
+thought what havoc Gustavus James would make among the ornaments if he had
+a chance.
+
+He then looked about for pen, ink, and paper. These were distributed so
+wide apart as to show the little request they were in. Having at length
+succeeded in getting what he wanted gathered together, Mr. Sponge sat down
+on the luxurious sofa, considering how he should address his host, as he
+hoped. Mr. Sponge was not a shy man, but, considering the circumstances
+under which he made Sir Harry Scattercash's acquaintance, together with his
+design upon his hospitality--above all, considering the crew by whom Sir
+Harry was surrounded--it required some little tact to pave the way without
+raising the present inmates of the house against him. There are no people
+so anxious to protect others from robbery as those who are robbing them
+themselves. Mr. Sponge thought, and thought, and thought. At last he
+resolved to write on the subject of the hounds. After sundry attempts on
+pink, blue, and green-tinted paper, he at last succeeded in hitting off the
+following, on yellow:
+
+    'NONSUCH HOUSE.
+
+    'DEAR SIR HARRY,--I rode over this morning, hearing you
+    were to hunt, and am sorry to find you indisposed. I wish you
+    would drop me a line to Mr. Crowdey's, Puddingpote Bower, saying
+    when next you go out, as I should much like to have another look
+    at your splendid pack before I leave this country, which I fear
+    will have to be soon.--Yours in haste,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'P.S.--I hope you all got safe home the other night from Mr.
+    Peastraw's.'
+
+Having put this into a richly gilt and embossed envelope, our friend
+directed it conspicuously to Sir Harry Scattercash, Bart., and stuck it in
+the centre of the mantelpiece. He then retraced his steps through the back
+regions, informing the sleeping beauty he had before disturbed, and who was
+now busy scouring a pan, that he had left a letter in the drawing-room for
+Sir Harry, and if she would see that he got it, he (Mr. Sponge) would
+remember her the next time he came, which he inwardly hoped would be soon.
+He then made for the stable, and got his horse, to go home, sauntering more
+leisurely along than one would expect of a man who had not got his
+breakfast, especially one riding a hack hunter.
+
+The truth was, Mr. Sponge did not much like the aspect of affairs. Sir
+Harry's was evidently a desperately 'fast' house; added to which, the
+guests by whom he was surrounded were clearly of the wide-awake order, who
+could not spare any pickings for a stranger. Indeed, Mr. Sponge felt that
+they rather cold-shouldered him at Farmer Peastraw's, and were in a greater
+hurry to be off when the drag came, than the mere difference between inside
+and outside seats required. He much questioned whether he got into Sir
+Harry's at all. If it came to a vote, he thought he should not. Then, what
+was he to do? Old Jog was clearly tired of him; and he had nowhere else to
+go to. The thought made him stick spurs into the chestnut, and hurry home
+to Puddingpote Bower, where he endeavoured to soothe his host by more than
+insinuating that he was going on a visit to Nonsuch House. Jog inwardly
+prayed that he might.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVII
+
+THE DEBATE
+
+
+It was just as Mr. Sponge predicted with regard to his admission to Nonsuch
+House. The first person who spied his note to Sir Harry Scattercash was
+Captain Seedeybuck, who, going into the drawing-room, the day after Mr.
+Sponge's visit, to look for the top of his cigar-case, saw it occupying the
+centre of the mantelpiece. Having mastered its contents, the Captain
+refolded and placed it where he found it, with the simple observation to
+himself of--'That cock won't fight.'
+
+Captain Quod saw it next, then Captain Bouncey, who told Captain Cutitfat
+what was in it, who agreed with Bouncey that it wouldn't do to have Mr.
+Sponge there.
+
+Indeed, it seemed agreed on all hands that their party rather wanted
+weeding than increasing.
+
+Thus, in due time, everybody in the house knew the contents of the note
+save Sir Harry, though none of them thought it worth while telling him of
+it. On the third morning, however, as the party were assembling for
+breakfast, he came into the room reading it.
+
+'This (hiccup) note ought to have been delivered before,' observed he,
+holding it up.
+
+'Indeed, my dear,' replied Lady Scattercash, who was sitting gloriously
+fine and very beautiful at the head of the table, 'I don't know anything
+about it.'
+
+'Who is it from?' asked brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'Mr. (hiccup) Sponge,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+'What a name!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'Who is he?' asked Captain Quod.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry; 'he writes to (hiccup) about the hounds.'
+'Oh, it'll be that brown-booted buffer,' observed Captain Bouncey, 'that
+we left at old Peastraw's.'
+
+'No doubt,' assented Captain Cutitfat, adding, 'what business has he with
+the hounds?'
+
+'He wants to know when we are going to (hiccup) again,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'Does he?' replied Captain Seedeybuck. 'That, I suppose, will depend upon
+Watchorn.'
+
+The party now got settled to breakfast, and as soon as the first burst of
+appetite was appeased, the conversation again turned upon our friend Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'Who _is_ this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Bouncey, the billiard-marker,
+with the air of a thorough exclusive.
+
+Nobody answered.
+
+'Who's your friend?' asked he of Sir Harry direct.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry, from between the mouthfuls of a highly
+cayenned grill.
+
+'P'raps a bolting betting-office keeper,' suggested Captain Ladofwax, who
+hated Captain Bouncey.
+
+'He looks more like a glazier, I think,' retorted Captain Bouncey, with a
+look of defiance at the speaker.
+
+'Lucky if he is one,' retorted Captain Ladofwax, reddening up to the eyes;
+'he may have a chance of repairing somebody's daylights.' The captain
+raising his saucer, to discharge it at his opponent's head.
+
+'Gently with the cheney!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, who was too much used
+to such scenes to care about the belligerents. Bob Spangles caught
+Ladofwax's arm at the nick of time, and saved the saucer.
+
+'Hout! you (hiccup) fellows are always (hiccup)ing,' exclaimed Sir Harry.
+'I declare I'll have you both (hiccup)ed over to keep the peace.'
+
+They then broke out into wordy recrimination and abuse, each declaring that
+he wouldn't stay a day longer in the house if the other remained; but as
+they had often said so before, and still gave no symptoms of going, their
+assertion produced little effect upon anybody. Sir Harry would not have
+cared if all his guests had gone together. Peace and order being at length
+restored, the conversation again turned upon Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I suppose we must have another (hiccup) hunt soon,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'In course,' replied Bob Spangles; 'it's no use keeping the hungry brutes
+unless you work them.'
+
+'You'll have a bagman, I presume,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, who did not
+like the trouble of travelling about the country to draw for a fox.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied Sir Harry; 'Watchorn will manage all that. He's always
+(hiccup) in that line. We'd better have a hunt soon, and then, Mr. (hiccup)
+Bugles, you can see it.' Sir Harry addressing himself to a gentleman he was
+as anxious to get rid of as Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was to get rid of Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'No; Mr. Bugles won't go out any more,' replied Lady Scattercash
+peremptorily. 'He was nearly killed last time'; her ladyship casting an
+angry glance at her husband, and a very loving one on the object of her
+solicitude.
+
+'Oh, nought's never in danger!' observed Bob Spangles.
+
+'Then _you_ can go, Bob,' snapped his sister.
+
+'I intend,' replied Bob.
+
+'Then (hiccup), gentlemen, I think I'll just write this Mr. (hiccup)
+What's-his-name to (hiccup) over here,' observed Sir Harry, 'and then he'll
+be ready for the (hiccup) hunt whenever we choose to (hiccup) one.'
+
+The proposition fell still-born among the party.
+
+'Don't you think we can do without him?' at last suggested Captain
+Seedeybuck.
+
+'_I_ think so,' observed the elder Spangles, without looking up from his
+plate.
+
+'Who is it?' asked Lady Scattercash.
+
+'The man that was here the other morning--the man in the queer
+chestnut-coloured boots,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles.
+
+'Oh, I think he's rather good-looking; I vote we have him,' replied her
+ladyship.
+
+That was rather a damper for Sir Harry; but upon reflection, he thought he
+could not be worse off with Mr. Sponge and Mr. Bugles than he was with Mr.
+Bugles alone; so, having finished a poor appetiteless breakfast, he
+repaired to what he called his 'study,' and with a feeble, shaky hand,
+scrawled an invitation to Mr. Sponge to come over to Nonsuch House, and
+take his chance of a run with his hounds. He then sealed and posted the
+letter without further to do.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVIII
+
+FACEY ROMFORD
+
+
+[Illustration: MR. FACEY ROMFORD]
+
+Four days had now elapsed since Mr. Sponge penned his overture to Sir
+Harry, and each succeeding day satisfied him more of the utter
+impossibility of holding on much longer in his then billet at Puddingpote
+Bower. Not only was Jog coarse and incessant in his hints to him to be off,
+but Jawleyford-like he had lowered the standard of entertainment so
+greatly, that if it hadn't been that Mr. Sponge had his servant and horses
+kept also, he might as well have been living at his own expense. The
+company lights were all extinguished; great, strong-smelling,
+cauliflower-headed moulds, that were always wanting snuffing, usurped the
+place of Belmont wax; napkins were withdrawn; second-hand table-cloths
+introduced; marsala did duty for sherry; and the stickjaw pudding assumed a
+consistency that was almost incompatible with articulation.
+
+In the course of this time Sponge wrote to Puffington, saying if he was
+better he would return and finish his visit; but the wary Puff sent a
+messenger off express with a note, lamenting that he was ordered to Handley
+Cross for his health, but 'pop'lar man' like, hoping that the pleasure of
+Sponge's company was only deferred for another season. Jawleyford, even
+Sponge thought hopeless; and, altogether, he was very much perplexed. He
+had made a little money certainly, with his horses; but a permanent
+investment of his elegant person, such as he had long been on the look-out
+for, seemed as far off as ever. On the afternoon of the fifth day, as he
+was taking a solitary stroll about the country, having about made up his
+mind to be off to town, just as he was crossing Jog's buttercup meadow on
+his way to the stable, a rapid bang! bang! caused him to start, and,
+looking over the hedge, he saw a brawny-looking sportsman in brown
+reloading his gun, with a brace of liver-and-white setters crouching like
+statues in the stubble.
+
+'Seek dead!' presently said the shooter, with a slight wave of his hand;
+and in an instant each dog was picking up his bird.
+
+'I'll have a word with you,' said Sponge, 'on and off-ing' the hedge, his
+beat causing the shooter to start and look as if inclined for a run; second
+thoughts said Sponge was too near, and he'd better brave it.
+
+'What sport?' asked Sponge, striding towards him.
+
+'Oh, pretty middling,' replied the shooter, a great red-headed, freckly
+faced fellow, with backward-lying whiskers, crowned in a drab rustic. 'Oh,
+pretty middling,' repeated he, not knowing whether to act on the friendly
+or defensive.
+
+'Fine day!' said Sponge, eyeing his fox-maskey whiskers and stout, muscular
+frame.
+
+'It is,' replied the shooter; adding, 'just followed my birds over the
+boundary. No 'fence, I s'pose--no 'fence.'
+
+'Oh no,' said Mr. Sponge. 'Jog, I dessay, 'll be very glad to see you.'
+
+'Oh, you'll be Mr. Sponge?' observed the stranger, jumping to a conclusion.
+
+'I am,' replied our hero; adding, 'may I ask who I have the honour of
+addressing?'
+
+'My name's Romford--Charley Romford; everybody knows me. Very glad to make
+your 'quaintance,' tendering Sponge a great, rough, heavy hand. 'I was
+goin' to call upon you,' observed the stranger, as he ceased swinging
+Sponge's arm to and fro like a pump-handle; 'I was goin' to call upon you,
+to see if you'd come over to Washingforde, and have some shootin' at me
+Oncle's--Oncle Gilroy's, at Queercove Hill.'
+
+'Most happy!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking it was the very thing he wanted.
+
+'Get a day with the harriers, too, if you like,' continued the shooter,
+increasing the temptation.
+
+'Better still!' thought Sponge.
+
+'I've only bachelor 'commodation to offer you; but p'raps you'll not mind
+roughing it a bit?' observed Romford.
+
+'Oh, faith, not I!' replied Sponge, thinking of the luxuries of
+Puffington's bachelor habitation. 'What sort of stables have you?' asked
+our friend.
+
+'Capital stables--excellent stables!' replied the shooter; 'stalls six feet
+in the clear, by twelve dip (deep), iron racks, oak stall-posts covered
+with zinc, beautiful oats, capital beans, splendacious hay--won without a
+shower!'
+
+'Bravo!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking he had lit on his legs, and might snap
+his fingers at Jog and his hints. He'd take the high hand, and give Jog up.
+
+'I'm your man!' said Sponge, in high glee.
+
+'When will you come?' asked Romford.
+
+'To-morrow!' replied Sponge firmly.
+
+'So be it,' rejoined his proffered host; and, with another hearty swing of
+the arm, the newly made friends parted.
+
+Charley Romford, or Facey, as he was commonly called, from his being the
+admitted most impudent man in the country, was a great, round-faced,
+coarse-featured, prize-fighting sort of fellow, who lived chiefly by his
+wits, which he exercised in all the legitimate lines of industry--poaching,
+betting, boxing, horse-dealing, cards, quoits--anything that came
+uppermost. That he was a man of enterprise, we need hardly add, when he had
+formed a scheme for doing our Sponge--a man that we do not think any of our
+readers would trouble themselves to try a 'plant' upon.
+
+This impudent Facey, as if in contradiction of terms, was originally
+intended for a civil engineer; but having early in life voted himself heir
+to his uncle, Mr. Gilroy, of Queercove Hill, a great cattle-jobber, with a
+'small independence of his own'--three hundred a year, perhaps, which a
+kind world called six--Facey thought he would just hang about until his
+uncle was done with his shoes, and then be lord of Queercove Hill.
+
+Now, 'me Oncle Gilroy,' of whom Facey was constantly talking, had a
+left-handed wife and promising family in the sylvan retirement of St.
+John's Wood, whither he used to retire after his business in 'Smi'fiel''
+was over; so that Facey, for once, was out in his calculations. Gilroy,
+however, being as knowing as 'his nevvey,' as he called him, just
+encouraged Facey in his shooting, fishing, and idle propensities generally,
+doubtless finding it more convenient to have his fish and game for nothing
+than to pay for them.
+
+Facey, having the apparently inexhaustible sum of a thousand pounds, began
+life as a fox-hunter--in a very small way, to be sure--more for the purpose
+of selling horses than anything else; but, having succeeded in 'doing' all
+the do-able gentlemen, both with the 'Tip and Go' and Cranerfield hounds,
+his occupation was gone, it requiring an extended field--such as our friend
+Sponge roamed--to carry on cheating in horses for any length of time. Facey
+was soon blown, his name in connexion with a horse being enough to prevent
+any one looking at him. Indeed, we question that there is any less
+desirable mode of making, or trying to make money, than by cheating or even
+dealing in horses. Many people fancy themselves cheated, whatever they get;
+while the man who is really cheated never forgets it, and proclaims it to
+the end of time. Moreover, no one can go on cheating in horses for any
+length of time, without putting himself in the power of his groom; and let
+those who have seen how servants lord it over each other say how they would
+like to subject themselves to similar treatment.--But to our story.
+
+Facey Romford had now a splendid milk-white horse, well-known in Mr.
+Nobbington's and Lord Leader's hunts as Mr. Hobler, but who Facey kindly
+rechristened the 'Nonpareil,' which the now rising price of oats, and
+falling state of his finances, made him particularly anxious to get rid of,
+ere the horse performed the equestrian feat of 'eating its head off.' He
+was a very hunter-like looking horse, but his misfortune consisted in
+having such shocking seedy toes, that he couldn't keep his shoes on. If he
+got through the first field with them on, they were sure to be off at the
+fence. This horse Facey voted to be the very thing for Mr. Sponge, and
+hearing that he had come into the country to hunt, it occurred to him that
+it would be a capital thing if he could get him to take Mother Overend's
+spare bed and lodge with him, twelve shillings a week being more than Facey
+liked paying for his rooms. Not that he paid twelve shillings for the rooms
+alone; on the contrary, he had a two-stalled stable, with a sort of kennel
+for his pointers, and a sty for his pig into the bargain. This pig, which
+was eaten many times in anticipation, had at length fallen a victim to the
+butcher, and Facey's larder was uncommonly well found in black-puddings,
+sausages, spare ribs, and the other component parts of a pig: so that he
+was in very hospitable circumstances--at least, in his rough and ready idea
+of what hospitality ought to be. Indeed, whether he had or not, he'd have
+risked it, being quite as good at carrying things off with a high hand as
+Mr. Sponge himself.
+
+The invitation came most opportunely; for, worn out with jealousy and
+watching, Jog had made up his mind to cut to Australia, and when Sponge
+returned after meeting Facey, Jog was in the act of combing out an
+advertisement, offering all that desirable sporting residence called
+Puddingpote Bower, with the coach-house, stables, and offices thereunto
+belonging, to let, and announcing that the whole of the valuable household
+furniture, comprising mahogany, dining, loo, card, and Pembroke tables;
+sofa, couch, and chairs in hair seating; cheffonier, with plate glass;
+book-case; flower-stands; pianoforte, by Collard and Collard; music-stool
+and Canterbury; chimney and pier-glasses; mirror; ormolu time-piece;
+alabaster and wax figures and shades; china; Brussels carpets and rugs;
+fenders and fire-irons; curtains and cornices; Venetian blinds; mahogany
+four-post, French, and camp bedsteads; feather beds; hair mattresses;
+mahogany chests of drawers; dressing-glasses; wash and dressing-tables;
+patent shower-bath; bed and table-linen; dinner and tea-ware;
+warming-pans, &c., would be exposed to immediate and unreserved sale.
+
+How gratefully Sponge's inquiry if he knew Mr. Romford fell on his ear, as
+they sat moodily together after dinner over some very low-priced port.
+
+'Oh yes (puff)--oh yes (wheeze)--oh yes (gasp)! Know Charley
+Romford--Facey, as they call him. He's (puff, wheeze, gasp) heir to old Mr.
+Gilroy, of Queercove Hill.'
+
+'Just so,' rejoined Sponge, 'just so; that's the man--stout, square-built
+fellow, with backward-growing whiskers. I'm going to stay with him to shoot
+at old Gil's. Where does Charley live?'
+
+'Live!' exclaimed Jog, almost choked with delight at the information;
+'live! live!' repeated he, for the third time; 'lives at (puff, wheeze,
+gasp, cough) Washingforde--yes, at Washingforde; 'bout ten miles from
+(puff, wheeze) here. When d'ye go?'
+
+'To-morrow,' replied Sponge, with an air of offended dignity.
+
+Jog was so rejoiced that he could hardly sit on his chair.
+
+Mrs. Jog, when she heard it, felt that Gustavus James's chance of
+independence was gone; for well she knew that Jog would never let Sponge
+come back to the Bower.
+
+We need scarcely say that Jog was up betimes in the morning, most anxious
+to forward Mr. Sponge's departure. He offered to allow Bartholomew to
+convey him and his 'traps' in the phaeton--an offer that Mr. Sponge availed
+himself of as far as his 'traps' were concerned, though he preferred
+cantering over on his piebald to trailing along in Jog's jingling chay. So
+matters were arranged, and Mr. Sponge forthwith proceeded to put his brown
+boots, his substantial cords, his superfine tights, his cuttey scarlet, his
+dress blue saxony, his clean linen, his heavy spurs, and though last, not
+least in importance, his now backless _Mogg_, into his solid leather
+portmanteau, sweeping the surplus of his wardrobe into a capacious
+carpet-bag. While the guest was thus busy upstairs, the host wandered about
+restlessly, now stirring up this person, now hurrying that, in the full
+enjoyment of the much-coveted departure. His pleasure was, perhaps, rather
+damped by a running commentary he overheard through the lattice-window of
+the stable, from Leather, as he stripped his horses and tried to roll up
+their clothing in a moderate compass.
+
+''Ord rot your great carcass!' exclaimed he, giving the roll a hearty kick
+in its bulging-out stomach, on finding that he had not got it as small as
+he wanted. ''Ord rot your great carcass,' repeated he, scratching his head
+and eyeing it as it lay; 'this is all the consequence of your nasty
+brewers' hapron weshins--blowin' of one out, like a bladder!' and,
+thereupon, he placed his hand on his stomach to feel how his own was.
+'Never see'd sich a house, or sich an awful mean man!' continued he,
+stooping and pommelling the package with his fists. It was of no use, he
+could not get it as small as he wished--'Must have my jacket out on you, I
+do believe,' added he, seeing where the impediment was; 'sticks in your
+gizzard just like a lump of old Puff-and-blow's puddin''; and then he
+thrust his hand into the folds of the clothing, and pulled out the greasy
+garment. 'Now,' said he, stooping again, 'I think we may manish ye'; and he
+took the roll in his arms and hoisted it on to Hercules, whom he meant to
+make the led horse, observing aloud, as he adjusted it on the saddle, and
+whacked it well with his hands to make it lie right, 'I wish it was old
+Jog--wouldn't I sarve him out!' He then turned his horses round in their
+stalls, tucked his greasy jacket under the flap of the saddle-bags, took
+his ash-stick from the crook, and led them out of the capacious door. Jog
+looked at him with mingled feelings of disgust and delight. Leather just
+gave his old hat flipe a rap with his forefinger as he passed with the
+horses--a salute that Jog did not condescend to return.
+
+Having eyed the receding horses with great satisfaction, Jog re-entered the
+house by the kitchens, to have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Sponge off. He
+found the portmanteau and carpet-bag standing in the passage, and just at
+the moment the sound of the phaeton wheels fell on his ear, as Bartholomew
+drove round from the coach-house to the door. Mr. Sponge was already in
+the parlour, making his adieus to Mrs. Jog and the children, who were all
+assembled for the purpose.
+
+'What, are you goin'?' (puff) asked Jog, with an air of surprise.
+
+'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge; adding, as he tendered his hand, 'the best
+friends must part, you know.'
+
+'Well (puff), but you'd better have your (wheeze) horse round,' observed
+Jog, anxious to avoid any overture for a return.
+
+'Thankee,' replied Mr. Sponge, making a parting bow; 'I'll get him at the
+stable.'
+
+'I'll go with you,' said Jog, leading the way.
+
+Leather had saddled, and bridled, and turned him round in the stall, with
+one of Mr. Jog's blanket-rugs on, which Mr. Sponge just swept over his tail
+into the manger, and led the horse out.
+
+'Adieu!' said he, offering his hand to his host.
+
+'Good-bye!--good (puff) sport to you,' said Jog, shaking it heartily.
+
+Mr. Sponge then mounted his hack, and cocking out his toe, rode off at a
+canter.
+
+At the same moment, Bartholomew drove away from the front door; and Jog,
+having stood watching the phaeton over the rise of Pennypound Hill, scraped
+his feet, re-entered his house, and rubbing them heartily on the mat as he
+closed the sash-door, observed aloud to himself, with a jerk of his head:
+
+'Well, now, that's the most (puff) impittent feller I ever saw in my life!
+Catch me (gasp) godpapa-hunting again.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIX
+
+THE ADJOURNED DEBATE
+
+
+The fatal invitation to Mr. Sponge having been sent, the question that now
+occupied the minds of the assembled sharpers at Nonsuch House, was, whether
+he was a pigeon or one of themselves. That point occupied their very deep
+and serious consideration. If he was a 'pigeon,' they could clearly
+accommodate him, but if, on the other hand, he was one of themselves, it
+was painfully apparent that there were far too many of them there already.
+Of course, the subject was not discussed in full and open conclave--they
+were all highly honourable men in the gross--and it was only in the small
+and secret groups of those accustomed to hunt together and unburden their
+minds, that the real truth was elicited.
+
+'What an ass Sir Harry is, to ask this Mr. Sponge,' observed Captain Quod
+to Captain Seedeybuck, as (cigar in mouth) they paced backwards and
+forwards under the flagged veranda on the west side of the house, on the
+morning that Sir Harry had announced his intention of asking him.
+
+'Confounded ass,' assented Seedeybuck, from between the whiffs of his
+cigar.
+
+'Dash it! one would think he had more money than he knew what to do with,'
+observed the first speaker, 'instead of not knowing where to lay hands on a
+halfpenny.'
+
+'Soon be who-hoop,' here observed Quod, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Fear so,' replied Seedeybuck. 'Have you heard anything fresh?'
+
+'Nothing particular. The County Court bailiff was here with some summonses,
+which, of course, he put in the fire.'
+
+'Ah! that's what he always does. He got tired of papering the smoking-room
+with them,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, it's a pity,' observed Quod, spitting as he spoke; 'but what can you
+expect, eaten up as he is by such a set of rubbish.'
+
+'Shockin',' replied Seedeybuck, thinking how long he and his friend might
+have fattened there together.
+
+'Do you know anything of this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Quod, after a
+pause.
+
+'Nothin',' replied Seedeybuck, 'except what we saw of him here; but I'm
+sure he won't do.'
+
+'Well, I think not either,' replied Quod; 'I didn't like his looks--he
+seems quite one of the free-and-easy sort.'
+
+'Quite,' observed Seedeybuck, determined to make a set against him, instead
+of cultivating his acquaintance.
+
+'This Mr. Sponge won't be any great addition to our party, I think,'
+muttered Captain Bouncey to Captain Cutitfat, as they stood within the bay
+of the library window, in apparent contemplation of the cows, but in
+reality conning the Sponge matter over in their minds.
+
+'I think not,' replied Captain Cutitfat, with an emphasis.
+
+'Wonder what made Sir Harry ask him!' whispered Bouncey, adding, aloud, for
+the bystanders to hear, 'That's a fine cow, isn't it?'
+
+'Very,' replied Cutitfat, in the same key, adding, in a whisper, with a
+shrug of his shoulders, 'Wonder what made him ask half the people that are
+here!'
+
+'The black and white one isn't a bad un,' observed Bouncey, nodding his
+head towards the cows, adding in an undertone, 'Most of them asked
+themselves, I should think.'
+
+'Admiring the cows. Captain Bouncey?' asked the beautiful and tolerably
+virtuous Miss Glitters, of the Astley's Royal Amphitheatre, who had come
+down to spend a few days with her old friend, Lady Scattercash. 'Admiring
+the cows, Captain Bouncey?' asked she, sidling her elegant figure between
+our friends in the bay.
+
+'We were just saying how nice it would be to have two or three pretty
+girls, and a sillabub, under those cedars,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Oh, charming!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, her dark eyes sparkling as she
+spoke. 'Harriet!' exclaimed she, addressing herself to a young lady, who
+called herself Howard, but whose real name was Brown--Jane
+Brown--'Harriet!' exclaimed she, 'Captain Bouncey is going to give a _fête
+champêtre_ under those lovely cedars.'
+
+'Oh, how nice!' exclaimed Harriet, clapping her hands in
+ecstasies--theatrical ecstasies at least.
+
+'It must be Sir Harry,' replied the billiard-table man, not fancying being
+'let in' for anything.
+
+'Oh! Sir Harry will let us have anything we like, I'm sure,' rejoined Miss
+Glitters.
+
+
+'What is it (hiccup)?' asked Sir Harry, who, hearing his name, now joined
+the party.
+
+'Oh, we want you to give us a dance under those charming cedars,' replied
+the lady, looking lovingly at him.
+
+'Cedars!' hiccuped Sir Harry, 'where do you see any cedars?'
+
+'Why there,' replied Miss Glitters, nodding towards a clump of evergreens.
+
+'Those are (hiccup) hollies,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Well, under the hollies,' rejoined Miss Glitters; adding, 'it was Captain
+Bouncey who said they were cedars.'
+
+'Ah, I meant those beyond,' observed the captain, nodding in another
+direction.
+
+'Those are (hiccup) Scotch firs,' rejoined Sir Harry.
+
+'Well, never mind what they are,' resumed the lady; 'let us have a dance
+under them.'
+
+'Certainly,' replied Sir Harry, who was always ready for anything. 'We
+shall have plenty of partners,' observed Miss Howard, recollecting how many
+men there were in the house.
+
+'And another coming,' observed Captain Cutitfat, still fretting at the
+idea.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Miss Howard, raising her hands and eyebrows in delight;
+'and who is he?' asked she, with unfeigned glee.
+
+'Oh such a (hiccup) swell,' replied Sir Harry; 'reg'lar Leicestershire man.
+A (hiccup) Quornite, in fact.'
+
+'We'll not have the dance till he comes, then,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'No more we will,' said Miss Howard, withdrawing from the group.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LX
+
+FACEY ROMFORD AT HOME
+
+
+We will now suppose our distinguished Sponge entering the village, or what
+the natives call the town of Washingforde, towards the close of a short
+December day, on his arrival from Mr. Jog's.
+
+'What sort of stables are there?' asked he, reining up his hack, as he
+encountered the brandy-nosed Leather airing himself on the main street.
+
+'Stables be good enough--forage, too,' replied the stud groom--'_per_-wided
+you likes the sittivation.'
+
+'Oh, the sittivation 'll be good enough,' retorted Sponge, thinking that,
+groom-like, Leather was grumbling because he hadn't got the best stables.
+
+'Well, sir, as you please,' replied the man.
+
+'Why, where are they?' asked Sponge, seeing there was more in Leather's
+manner than met the eye.
+
+'_Rose and Crown!_' replied Leather, with an emphasis.
+
+'Rose and Crown!' exclaimed Sponge, starting in his saddle; 'Rose and
+Crown! Why, I'm going to stay with Mr. Romford!'
+
+'So he said.' replied Leather; 'so he said. I met him as I com'd in with
+the osses, and said he to me, said he, "You'll find captle quarters at the
+Crown!"' 'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, dropping the reins on his
+hack's neck; 'the deuce!' repeated he with a look of disgust. 'Why, where
+does he live?'
+
+''Bove the saddler's, thonder,' replied Leather, nodding to a small
+bow-windowed white house a little lower down, with the gilt-lettered words:
+
+    OVEREND,
+    SADDLER AND HARNESS-MAKER TO THE QUEEN,
+
+above a very meagrely stocked shop.
+
+'The devil!' replied Mr. Sponge, boiling up as he eyed the cottage-like
+dimensions of the place.
+
+The dialogue was interrupted by a sledge-hammer-like blow on Sponge's back,
+followed by such a proffered hand as could proceed from none but his host.
+
+'Glad to see ye!' exclaimed Facey, swinging Sponge's arm to and fro. 'Get
+off!' continued he, half dragging him down, 'and let's go in; for it's
+beastly cold, and dinner'll be ready in no time!'
+
+So saying, he led the captive Sponge down street, like a prisoner, by the
+arm, and, opening the thin house-door, pushed him up a very straight
+staircase into a little low cabin-like room, hung with boxing-gloves,
+foils, and pictures of fighters and ballet girls.
+
+'Glad to see ye!' again said Facey, poking the diminutive fire. 'Axed Nosey
+Nickel and Gutty Weazel to meet you,' continued he, looking at the little
+'dinner-for-two' table; 'but Nosey's gone wrong in a tooth, and Gutty's
+away sweetheartin'. However, we'll be very cosy and jolly together; and if
+you want to wash your hands, or anything afore dinner, I'll show you your
+bedroom,' continued he, backing Sponge across the staircase landing to
+where a couple of little black doors opened into rooms, formed by dividing
+what had been the duplicate of the sitting-room into two.
+
+'There!' exclaimed Facey, pointing to Sponge's portmanteau and bag,
+standing midway between the window and door: 'There! there are your traps.
+Yonder's the washhand-stand. You can put your shavin'-things on the chair
+below the lookin'-glass 'gainst the wall,' pointing to a fragment of glass
+nailed against the stencilled wall, all of which Sponge stood eyeing with
+a mingled air of resignation and contempt; but when Facey pointed to:
+
+    'The chest, contrived a double debt to pay--
+    A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day'
+
+and said that was where Sponge would have to curl himself up, our friend
+shook his head, and declared he could not.
+
+'Oh, fiddle!' replied Facey, 'Jack Weatherley slept in it for months, and
+he's half a hand higher than you--sixteen hands, if he's an inch.' And
+Sponge jerked his head and bit his lips, thinking he was 'done' for once.
+
+'W-h-o-y, ar thought you'd been a fox-hunter,' observed Facey, seeing his
+guest's disconcerted look.
+
+'Well, but bein' a fox-hunter won't enable one to sleep in a band-box, or
+to shut one's-self up like a telescope,' retorted the indignant Sponge.
+
+''Ord hang it, man! you're so nasty partickler,' rejoined Facey; 'you're so
+nasty partickler. You'll never do to go out duck-shootin' i' your shirt.
+Dash it, man! Oncle Gilroy would disinherit me if ar was such a chap.
+However, look sharp,' continued he, 'if you are goin' to clean yourself;
+for dinner 'll be ready in no time, indeed, I hear Mrs. End dishin' it up.'
+So saying, Facey rolled out of the room, and Sponge presently heard him
+pulling off his clogs of shoes in the adjoining one. Dinner spoke for
+itself, for the house reeked with the smell of fried onions and roast pork.
+
+Now, Sponge didn't like pork; and there was nothing but pork, or pig in one
+shape or another. Spare ribs, liver and bacon, sausages, black puddings,
+&c.--all very good in their way, but which came with a bad grace after the
+comforts of Jog's, the elegance of Puffington's, and the early splendour of
+Jawleyford's. Our hero was a good deal put out, and felt as if he was
+imposed upon. What business had a man like this to ask him to stay with
+him--a man who dined by daylight, and ladled his meat with a great
+two-pronged fork?
+
+Facey, though he saw Mr. Sponge wasn't pleased, praised and pressed
+everything in succession down to a very strong cheese; and as the
+slip-shod girl whisked away crumbs and all in the coarse tablecloth, he
+exclaimed in a most open-hearted air, 'Well, now, what shall we have to
+drink?' adding, 'You smoke, of course--shall it be gin, rum, or
+Hollands--Hollands, rum, or gin?'
+
+Sponge was half inclined to propose wine, but recollecting what sloe-juice
+sort of stuff it was sure to be, and that Facey, in all probability, would
+make him finish it, he just replied, 'Oh, I don't care; 'spose we say gin?'
+
+'Gin be it,' said Facey, rising from his seat, and making for a little
+closet in the wall, he produced a bottle labelled 'Fine London Spirit';
+and, hallooing to the girl to get a few 'Captins' out of the box under his
+bed, he scattered a lot of glasses about the table, and placed a green
+dessert-dish for the biscuits against they came.
+
+Night had now closed in--a keen, boisterous, wintry night, making the
+pocketful of coals that ornamented the grate peculiarly acceptable.
+
+'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' exclaimed Facey, as a blash of sleet dashed
+across the window as if some one had thrown a handful of pebbles against
+it. 'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' repeated he, rising and closing the
+shutters, and letting down the little scanty red curtain. 'Let us draw in
+and have a hot brew,' continued he, stirring the fire under the kettle, and
+handing a lot of cigars out of the table-drawer. They then sat smoking and
+sipping, and smoking and sipping, each making a mental estimate of the
+other.
+
+'Shall we have a game at cards? or what shall we do to pass the evenin'?'
+at length asked our host. 'Better have a game at cards, p'raps,' continued
+he.
+
+'Thank'ee, no; thank'ee, no. I've a book in my pocket,' replied Sponge,
+diving into his jacket-pocket; adding, as he fished up his _Mogg_, 'always
+carry a book of light reading about with me.'
+
+'What, you're a literary cove, are you?' asked Facey, in a tone of
+surprise.
+
+'Not exactly that,' replied Sponge; 'but I like to improve my mind.' He
+then opened the valuable work, taking a dip into the Omnibus
+Guide--'Brentford, 7 from Hyde Park Corner--European Coffee House, near
+the Bank, daily,' and so worked his way on through the 'Brighton Railway
+Station, Brixton, Bromley both in Kent and Middlesex, Bushey Heath,
+Camberwell, Camden Town, and Carshalton,' right into Cheam, when Facey, who
+had been eyeing him intently, not at all relishing his style of proceeding
+and wishing to be doing, suddenly exclaimed, as he darted up:
+
+[Illustration: FACEY ROMFORD TREATS SPONGE TO A LITTLE MUSIC]
+
+'B-o-y Jove! You've not heard me play the flute! No more you have. Dash it,
+how remiss!' continued he, making for the little bookshelf on which it lay;
+adding, as he blew into it and sucked the joints, 'you're musical, of
+course?'
+
+'Oh, I can stand music,' muttered Sponge, with a jerk of his head, as if a
+tune was neither here nor there with him.
+
+'By Jingo! you should see me Oncle Gilroy when a'rm playin'! The old man
+act'ly sheds tears of delight--he's so pleased.'
+
+'Indeed,' replied Sponge, now passing on into _Mogg's Cab
+Fares_--'Aldersgate Street, Hare Court, to or from Bagnigge Wells,' and so
+on, when Facey struck up the most squeaking, discordant, broken-winded
+
+    'Jump Jim Crow'
+
+that ever was heard, making the sensitive Sponge shudder, and setting all
+his teeth on edge.
+
+'Hang me, but that flute of yours wants nitre, or a dose of physic, or
+something most dreadful!' at length exclaimed he, squeezing up his face as
+if in the greatest agony, as the laboured:
+
+    'Jump about and wheel about'
+
+completely threw Sponge over in his calculation as to what he could ride
+from Aldgate Pump to the Pied Bull at Islington for.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Facey, with an air of indifference, as he took off the end
+and jerked out the steam. 'Oh no--only wants work--only wants work,' added
+he, putting it together again, exclaiming, as he looked at the now sulky
+Sponge, 'Well, what shall it be?'
+
+'Whatever you please,' replied our friend, dipping frantically into his
+_Mogg_.
+
+'Well, then, I'll play you me oncle's favourite tune, "The Merry Swiss
+Boy,"' whereupon Facey set to most vigorously with that once most popular
+air. It, however, came off as rustily as 'Jim Crow,' for whose feats Facey
+evidently had a partiality; for no sooner did he get squeaked through 'me
+oncle's' tune than he returned to the nigger melody with redoubled zeal,
+and puffed and blew Sponge's calculations as to what he could ride from
+'Mother Redcap's at Camden Town down Liquorpond Street, up Snow Hill, and
+so on, to the 'Angel' in Ratcliff Highway for, clean out of his head. Nor
+did there seem any prospect of relief, for no sooner did Facey get through
+one tune than he at the other again.
+
+'Rot it!' at length exclaimed Sponge, throwing his _Mogg_ from him in
+despair, 'you'll deafen me with that abominable noise.' 'Bless my heart!'
+exclaimed Facey, in well-feigned surprise, 'Bless my heart! Why, I thought
+you liked music, my dear feller!' adding, 'I was playin' to please you.'
+
+'The deuce you were!' snapped Mr. Sponge. 'I wish I'd known sooner: I'd
+have saved you a deal of wind.'
+
+'Why, my dear feller,' replied Facey, 'I wished to entertain you the best
+in my power. One must do somethin', you know.'
+
+'I'd rather do anything than undergo that horrid noise,' replied Sponge,
+ringing his left ear with his forefinger.
+
+'Let's have a game at cards, then,' rejoined Facey soothingly, seeing he
+had sufficiently agonized Sponge.
+
+'Cards,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'Cards,' repeated he thoughtfully, stroking
+his hairy chin. 'Cards,' added he, for the third time, as he conned Facey's
+rotund visage, and wondered if he was a sharper. If the cards were fair,
+Sponge didn't care trying his luck. It all depended upon that. 'Well,' said
+he, in a tone of indifference, as he picked up his _Mogg_, thinking he
+wouldn't pay if he lost, 'I'll give you a turn. What shall it be?'
+
+'Oh--w-h-o-y--s'pose we say _écarté_?' replied Facey, in an off-hand sort
+of way.
+
+'Well,' drawled Sponge, pocketing his _Mogg_, preparatory to action.
+
+'You haven't a clean pack, have you?' asked Sponge, as Facey, diving into a
+drawer, produced a very dirty, thumb-marked set.
+
+'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't,' replied Facey. 'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't: but,
+honour bright, these are all right and fair. Wouldn't cheat a man, if it
+was ever so.'
+
+'Sure you wouldn't,' replied Sponge, nothing comforted by the assertion.
+
+They then resumed their seats opposite each other at the little table, with
+the hot water and sugar, and 'Fine London Spirit' bottle equitably placed
+between them.
+
+At first Mr. Sponge was the victor, and by nine o'clock had scored
+eight-and-twenty shillings against his host, when he was inclined to leave
+off, alleging that he was an early man, and would go to bed--an arrangement
+that Facey seemed to come into, only pressing Sponge to accompany the gin
+he was now helping himself to with another cigar. This seemed all fair and
+reasonable; and as Sponge conned matters over, through the benign influence
+of the ''baccy,' he really thought Facey mightn't be such a bad beggar
+after all.
+
+'Well, then,' said he, as he finished cigar and glass together, 'if you'll
+give me eight-and-twenty bob, I'll be off to Bedfordshire.'
+
+'You'll give me my revenge surely!' exclaimed Facey, in pretended
+astonishment.
+
+'To-morrow night,' replied Sponge firmly, thinking it would have to go hard
+with him if he remained there to give it.
+
+'Nay, _now_!' rejoined Facey, adding, 'it's quite early. Me Oncle Gilroy
+and I always play much later at Queercove Hill.'
+
+Sponge hesitated. If he had got the money, he would have refused
+point-blank; as it was, he thought, perhaps the only chance of getting it
+was to go on. With no small reluctance and misgivings he mixed himself
+another tumbler of gin and water, and, changing seats, resumed the game.
+Nor was our discreet friend far wrong in his calculations, for luck now
+changed, and Facey seemed to have the king quite at command. In less than
+an hour he had not only wiped off the eight-and-twenty shillings, but had
+scored three pound fifteen against his guest. Facey would now leave off.
+Sponge, on the other hand, wanted to go on. Facey, however, was firm. 'I'll
+cut you double or quits, then,' cried Sponge, in rash despair. Facey
+accommodated him and doubled the debt.
+
+'Again!' exclaimed Sponge, with desperate energy.
+
+'No! no more, thank ye,' replied Facey coolly. 'Fair play's a jewel.'
+
+'So it is,' assented Mr. Sponge, thinking he hadn't had it.
+
+'Now,' continued Facey, poking into the table-drawer and producing a dirty
+scrap of paper, with a little pocket ink-case, 'if you'll give me an
+"I.O.U.," we'll shut up shop.'
+
+'An "I.O.U.!"' retorted Sponge, looking virtuously indignant. 'An "I.O.U.!"
+I'll give you your money i' the mornin'.'
+
+'I know you will,' replied Facey coolly, putting himself in boxing
+attitude, exclaiming, as he measured out a distance, 'just feel the biceps
+muscle of my arm--do believe I could fell an ox. However, never mind,'
+continued he, seeing Sponge declined the feel. 'Life's uncertain: so you
+give me an "I.O.U." and we'll be all right and square. Short reckonin's
+make long friends, you know,' added he, pointing peremptorily to the paper.
+
+'I'd better give you a cheque at once,' retorted Sponge, looking the very
+essence of chivalry.
+
+'_Money_, if you please,' replied Facey; muttering, with a jerk of his
+head, 'don't like paper.'
+
+The renowned Sponge, for once, was posed. He had the money, but he didn't
+like to part with it. So he gave the 'I.O.U.' and, lighting a
+twelve-to-the-pound candle, sulked off to undress and crawl into the little
+impossibility of a bed.
+
+Night, however, brought no relief to our distinguished friend; for, little
+though the bed was, it was large enough to admit lodgers, and poor Sponge
+was nearly worried by the half-famished vermin, who seemed bent on making
+up for the long fast they had endured since the sixteen-hands-man left.
+Worst of all, as day dawned, the eternal 'Jim Crow' recommenced his
+saltations, varied only with the:
+
+    'Come, arouse ye, arouse ye, my merry Swiss boy'
+
+of 'me Oncle Gilroy.'
+
+'Well, dash my buttons!' groaned Sponge, as the discordant noise shot
+through his aching head, 'but this is the worst spec I ever made in my
+life. Fed on pork, fluted deaf, bit with bugs, and robbed at cards--fairly,
+downrightly robbed. Never was a more reg'ler plant put on a man. Thank
+goodness, however, I haven't paid him--never will, either. Such a
+confounded, disreputable scoundrel deserves to be punished--big, bad,
+blackguard-looking fellow! How the deuce I could ever be taken in by such a
+fellow! Believe he's nothing but a great poaching blackleg. Hasn't the
+faintest outlines of a gentleman about him--not the slightest particle--not
+the remotest glimmerin'.'
+
+These and similar reflections were interrupted by a great thump against the
+thin lath-and-plaster wall that separated their rooms, or rather closets,
+accompanied by an exclamation of:
+
+'HALLOO, OLD BOY! HOW GOES IT?'--an inquiry to which our friend
+deigned no answer.
+
+''Ord rot ye! you're awake,' muttered Facey to himself, well knowing that
+no one could sleep after such a 'Jim-Crow-ing' and 'Swiss-boy-ing' as he
+had given him. He therefore resumed his battery, thumping as though he
+would knock the partition in.
+
+'HALLOO!' at last exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'who's there?'
+
+'Well, old Sivin-Pund-Ten, how goes it?' asked Facey, in a tone of the
+keenest irony.
+
+'You be ----!' growled Mr. Sponge, in disgust.
+
+'Breakfast in half an hour!' resumed Facey. 'Pigs'-puddin's and
+sarsingers--all 'ot--pipin' 'ot!' continued our host.
+
+'Wish you were pipin' 'ot,' growled Mr. Sponge, as he jerked himself out of
+his little berth.
+
+Though Facey pumped him pretty hard during this second pig repast, he could
+make nothing out of Sponge with regard to his movements--our friend
+parrying all his inquiries with his _Mogg_, and assurances that he could
+amuse himself. In vain Facey represented that his Oncle Gilroy would be
+expecting them; that Mr. Hobler was ready for him to ride over on; Sponge
+wasn't inclined to shoot, but begged Facey wouldn't stay at home on his
+account. The fact was, Sponge meditated a bolt, and was in close confab
+with Leather, in the Rose and Crown stables, arranging matters, when the
+sound of his name in the yard caused him to look out, when--oh, welcome
+sight!--a Puddingpote Bower messenger put Sir Harry's note in his hand,
+which had at length arrived at Jog's through their very miscellaneous
+transit, called a post. Sponge, in the joy of his heart, actually gave the
+lad a shilling! He now felt like a new man. He didn't care a rap for Facey,
+and, ordering Leather to give him the hack and follow with the hunters, he
+presently cantered out of town as sprucely as if all was on the square.
+
+When, however, Facey found how matters stood, he determined to stop
+Sponge's things, which Leather resisted; and, Facey showing fight, Leather
+butted him with his head, sending him backwards downstairs and putting his
+shoulder out. Leather than marched off with the kit, amid the honours of
+war.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXI
+
+NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 'MR. SPONGE, MY LADY']
+
+The gallant inmates of Nonsuch House had resolved themselves into a
+committee of speculation, as to whether Mr. Sponge was coming or not;
+indeed, they had been betting upon it, the odds at first being a hundred to
+one that he came, though they had fallen a point or two on the arrival of
+the post without an answer.
+
+'Well, I say Mr. What-d'ye-call-him--Sponge--doesn't come!' exclaimed
+Captain Seedeybuck, as he lay full length, with his shaggy greasy head on
+the fine rose-coloured satin sofa, and his legs cocked over the cushion.
+
+'Why not?' asked Miss Glitters, who was beguiling the twilight half-hour
+before candles with knitting.
+
+
+'Don't know,' replied Seedeybuck, twirling his moustache, 'don't know--have
+a presentiment he won't.'
+
+'Sure to come!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey, knocking the ashes off his cigar
+on to the fine Tournay carpet.
+
+'I'll lay ten to one--ten fifties to one--he does,--a thousand to ten if
+you like.' If all the purses in the house had been clubbed together, we
+don't believe they would have raised fifty pounds.
+
+'What sort of a looking man is he?' asked Miss Glitters, now counting her
+loops.
+
+'Oh--whoy--ha--hem--haw--he's just an ordinary sort of lookin' man--nothin'
+'tickler any way,' drawled Captain Seedeybuck, now wetting and twirling his
+moustache.
+
+'Two legs, a head, a back, and so on, I presume,' observed the lady.
+
+'Just so,' assented Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'He's a horsey-lookin' sort o' man, I should say,' observed Captain
+Bouncey, 'walks as if he ought to be ridin'--wears vinegar tops.'
+
+'Hate vinegar tops,' growled Seedeybuck.
+
+Just then, in came Lady Scattercash, attended by Mr. Orlando Bugles, the
+ladies' attractions having caused that distinguished performer to forfeit
+his engagement at the Surrey Theatre. Captain Cutitfat, Bob Spangles, and
+Sir Harry quickly followed, and the Sponge question was presently renewed.
+
+'Who says old brown boots comes?' exclaimed Seedeybuck from the sofa.
+
+'Who's that with his nasty nob on my fine satin sofa?' asked the lady.
+
+'Bob Spangles,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Nothing of the sort,' rejoined the lady; 'and I'll trouble you to get
+off.'
+
+'Can't--I've got a bone in my leg,' rejoined the captain.
+
+'I'll soon make you,' replied her ladyship, seizing the squab, and pulling
+it on to the floor.
+
+As the captain was scrambling up, in came Peter--one of the wageless
+footmen--with candles, which having distributed equitably about the room,
+he approached Lady Scattercash, and asked, in an independent sort of way,
+what room Mr. Soapsuds was to have.
+
+'Soapsuds!--Soapsuds!--that's not his name,' exclaimed her ladyship.
+
+'_Sponge_, you fool! Soapey Sponge,' exclaimed Cutitfat, who had ferreted
+out Sponge's _nomme de Londres_.
+
+'He's not come, has he?' asked Miss Glitters eagerly.
+
+'Yes, my lady--that's to say, miss,' replied Peter.
+
+'Come, has he!' chorused three or four voices.
+
+'Well, he must have a (hiccup) room,' observed Sir Harry. 'The green--the
+one above the billiard-room will do,' added he.
+
+'But _I_ have that, Sir Harry,' exclaimed Miss Howard.
+
+'Oh, it'll hold two well enough,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'Then _you_ can be the second,' replied Miss Howard, with a toss of her
+head.
+
+'Indeed!' sneered Miss Glitters, bridling up. 'I like that.'
+
+'Well, but where's the (hiccup) man to be put?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'There's Ladofwax's room,' suggested her ladyship.
+
+'The captain's locked the door and taken the key with him,' replied the
+footman; 'he said he'd be back in a day or two.'
+
+'Back in a (hiccup) or two!' observed Sir Harry. 'Where is he gone?'
+
+The man smiled.
+
+'_Borrowed_,' observed Captain Quod, with an emphasis.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Sir Harry, adding, 'well, I thought that was Nabbum's
+gig with the old grey.'
+
+'He'll not be back in a hurry,' observed Bouncey. 'He'll be like the
+Boulogne gents, who are always going to England, but never do.'
+
+'Poor Wax!' observed Quod; 'he's a big fool, to give him his due.'
+
+'If you give him his due it's more than he gives other people, it seems.'
+observed Miss Howard.
+
+'Oh, fie, Miss H.!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, but the (hiccup) man must have a (hiccup) bed somewhere,' observed
+Sir Harry; adding to the footman, 'you'd better (hiccup) the door open, you
+know.'
+
+'Perhaps you'd better try what one of yours will do,' observed Bob
+Spangles, to the convulsion of the company.
+
+In the midst of their mirth Mr. Bottleends was seen piloting Mr. Sponge up
+to her ladyship.
+
+'Mr. Sponge, my lady,' said he in as low and deferential a tone as if he
+got his wages punctually every quarter-day.
+
+'How do you do. Mr. Sponge?' said her ladyship, tendering him her hand with
+an elegant curtsey.
+
+'How are you, Mr. (hiccup) Sponge?' asked Sir Harry, offering his; 'I
+believe you know the (hiccup) company?' continued he, waving his hand
+around; 'Miss (hiccup) Glitters, Captain (hiccup) Quod, Captain Bouncey,
+Mr. (hiccup) Bugles, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and so on'; whereupon
+Miss Glitters curtsied, the gentlemen bobbed their heads and drew near our
+hero, who had now stationed himself before the fire.
+
+'Coldish to-night,' said he, stooping, and placing both hands to the bars.
+'Coldish,' repeated he, rubbing his hands and looking around.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'It generally is about this time of year, I think,' observed Miss Glitters,
+who was quite ready to enter for our friend.
+
+'Hope it won't stop hunting,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Hope not,' replied Sir Harry; 'would be a bore if it did.'
+
+'I wonder you gentlemen don't prefer hunting in a frost,' observed Miss
+Howard; 'one would think it would be just the time you'd want a good
+warming.'
+
+'I don't agree with you, there,' replied Mr. Sponge, looking at her, and
+thinking she was not nearly so pretty as Miss Glitters.
+
+'Do you hunt to-morrow?' asked he of Sir Harry, not having been able to
+obtain any information at the stables.
+
+'(Hiccup) to-morrow? Oh, I dare say we shall,' replied Sir Harry, who kept
+his hounds as he did his carriages, to be used when wanted. 'Dare say we
+shall,' repeated he.
+
+But though Sir Harry spoke thus encouragingly of their prospects, he took
+no steps, as far as Mr. Sponge could learn, to carry out the design.
+Indeed, the subject of hunting was never once mentioned, the conversation
+after dinner, instead of being about the Quorn, or the Pytchley, or Jack
+Thompson with the Atherstone, turning upon the elegance and lighting of the
+Casinos in the Adelaide Gallery and Windmill Street, and the relative
+merits of those establishments over the Casino de Venise in High Holborn.
+Nor did morning produce any change for the better, for Sir Harry and all
+the captains came down in their usual flashy broken-down player-looking
+attire, their whole thoughts being absorbed in arranging for a pool at
+billiards, in which the ladies took part. So with billiards, brandy, and
+''baccy,'--''baccy,' brandy, and billiards, varied with an occasional
+stroll about the grounds, the non-sporting inmates of Nonsuch House
+beguiled the time, much to Mr. Sponge's disgust, whose soul was on fire and
+eager for the fray. The reader's perhaps being the same, we will skip
+Christmas and pass on to New Year's Day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXII
+
+A FAMILY BREAKFAST
+
+
+'Twere almost superfluous to say that NEW YEAR'S DAY is always a
+great holiday. It is a day on which custom commands people to be happy and
+idle, whether they have the means of being happy and idle or not. It is a
+day for which happiness and idleness are 'booked,' and parties are planned
+and arranged long beforehand. Some go to the town, some to the country;
+some take rail; some take steam; some take greyhounds; some take gigs;
+while others take guns and pop at all the little dicky-birds that come in
+their way. The rural population generally incline to a hunt. They are not
+very particular as to style, so long as there are a certain number of
+hounds, and some men in scarlet, to blow their horns, halloo, and crack
+their whips.
+
+The population, especially the rising population about Nonsuch House, all
+inclined that way. A New Year's Day's hunt with Sir Harry had long been
+looked forward to by the little Raws, and the little Spooneys, and the big
+and little Cheeks, and we don't know how many others. Nay, it had been
+talked of by the elder boys at their respective schools--we beg pardon,
+academies--Dr. Switchington's, Mr. Latherington's, Mrs. Skelper's, and a
+liberal allowance of boasting indulged in, as to how they would show each
+other the way over the hedges and ditches. The thing had long been talked
+of. Old Johnny Raw had asked Sir Harry to arrange the day so long ago that
+Sir Harry had forgotten all about it. Sir Harry was one of those
+good-natured souls who can't say 'No' to any one. If anybody had asked if
+they might set fire to his house, he would have said:
+
+'Oh (hiccup) certainly, my dear (hiccup) fellow, if it will give you any
+(hiccup) pleasure.'
+
+Now, for the hiccup day.
+
+It is generally a frost on New Year's Day. However wet and sloppy the
+weather may be up to the end of the year, it generally turns over a new
+leaf on that day. New Year's Day is generally a bright, bitter, sunshiny
+day, with starry ice, and a most decided anti-hunting feeling about
+it--light, airy, ringy, anything but cheery for hunting.
+
+Thus it was in Sir Harry Scattercash's county. Having smoked and drunk the
+old year out, the captains and company retired to their couches without
+thinking about hunting. Mr. Sponge, indeed, was about tired of asking when
+the hounds would be going out. It was otherwise, however, with the rising
+generation, who were up betimes, and began pouring in upon Nonsuch House in
+every species of garb, on every description of steed, by every line and
+avenue of approach.
+
+'Halloo! what's up now?' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, as she caught view of
+the first batch rounding the corner to the front of the house.
+
+'Who have we here?' asked Miss Glitters, as a ponderous, parti-coloured
+clown, on a great, curly-coated cart-horse, brought up the rear.
+
+'Early callers,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, eating away complacently.
+
+'Friends of Mr. Sponge's, most likely,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'Some of the little Sponges come to see their pa, p'raps,' lisped Miss
+Howard, pretending to be shocked after she had said it.
+
+'Bravo, Miss Howard!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, clapping his hands.
+
+'_I_ said nothing, Captain,' observed the young lady with becoming prudery.
+
+'Here we are again!' exclaimed Captain Quod, as a troop of various-sized
+urchins, in pea-jackets, with blue noses and red comforters, on very shaggy
+ponies, the two youngest swinging in panniers over an ass, drew up
+alongside of the first comers.
+
+'Whose sliding-scale of innocence is that, I wonder!' exclaimed Miss
+Howard, contemplating the variously sized chubby faces through the window.
+
+'He, he, he! ho, ho, ho!' giggled the guests.
+
+Another batch of innocence now hove in sight.
+
+'Oh, those are the little (hiccup) Raws,' observed Sir Harry, catching
+sight of the sky-blue collar of the servant's long drab coat. 'Good chap,
+old Johnny Raw; ask them to (hiccup) in,' continued he, 'and give them some
+(hiccup) cherry brandy'; and thereupon Sir Harry began nodding and smiling,
+and making signs to them to come in. The youngsters, however, maintained
+their position.
+
+'The little stupexes!' exclaimed Miss Howard, going to the window, and
+throwing up the sash. 'Come in, young gents!' cried she, in a commanding
+tone, addressing herself to the last comers. 'Come in, and have some toffy
+and lollypops! D'ye hear?' continued she, in a still louder voice, and
+motioning her head towards the door.
+
+The boys sat mute.
+
+'You little stupid monkeys,' muttered she in an undertone, as the cold air
+struck upon her head. 'Come in, like good boys,' added she in a louder key,
+pointing with her finger towards the door.
+
+'Nor, thenk ye!' at last drawled the elder of the boys.
+
+'Nor, thenk ye!' repeated Miss Howard, imitating the drawl. 'Why not?'
+asked she sharply.
+
+The boy stared stupidly.
+
+'Why won't you come in?' asked she, again addressing him.
+
+'Don't know!' replied the boy, staring vacantly at his younger brother, as
+he rubbed a pearl off his nose on the back of his hand.
+
+'Don't know!' ejaculated Miss Howard, stamping her little foot on the
+Turkey carpet.
+
+'Mar said we hadn't,' whined the younger boy, coming to the rescue of his
+brother.
+
+'Mar said we hadn't!' retorted the fair interrogator. 'Why not?'
+
+'Don't know,' replied the elder.
+
+'Don't know! you little stupid animal,' snapped Miss Howard, the cold air
+increasing the warmth of her temper. 'I wonder what you _do_ know. Why did
+your ma say you were not to come in?' continued she, addressing the younger
+one.
+
+'Because--because,' hesitated he, 'she said the house was full of
+trumpets.'
+
+'Trumpets, you little scamp!' exclaimed the lady, reddening up; 'I'll get a
+whip and cut your jacket into ribbons on your back.' And thereupon she
+banged down the window and closed the conversation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIII
+
+THE RISING GENERATION
+
+
+The lull that prevailed in the breakfast-room on Miss Howard's return from
+the window was speedily interrupted by fresh arrivals before the door. The
+three Master Baskets in coats and lay-over collars, Master Shutter in a
+jacket and trousers, the two Master Bulgeys in woollen overalls with very
+large hunting whips, Master Brick in a velveteen shooting-jacket, and the
+two Cheeks with their tweed trousers thrust into fiddle-case boots, on all
+sorts of ponies and family horses, began pawing and disordering the gravel
+in front of Nonsuch House.
+
+George Cheek was the head boy at Mr. Latherington's classical and
+commercial academy, at Flagellation Hall (late the Crown and Sceptre Hotel
+and Posting House, on the Bankstone road), where, for forty pounds a year,
+eighty young gentlemen were fitted for the pulpit, the senate, the bar, the
+counting-house, or anything else their fond parents fancied them fit for.
+
+George was a tall stripling, out at the elbows, in at the knees, with his
+red knuckled hands thrust a long way through his tight coat. He was just of
+that awkward age when boys fancy themselves men, and men are not prepared
+to lower themselves to their level. Ladies get on better with them than
+men: either the ladies are more tolerant of twaddle, or their discerning
+eyes see in the gawky youth the germ of future usefulness. George was on
+capital terms with himself. He was the oracle of Mr. Latherington's school,
+where he was not only head boy and head swell, but a considerable authority
+on sporting matters. He took in _Bell's Life_, which he read from beginning
+to end, and 'noted its contents,' as they say in the city.
+
+'I'll tell you what all these little (hiccup) animals will be wanting,'
+observed Sir Harry, as he cayenne-peppered a turkey's leg; 'they'll be come
+for a (hiccup) hunt.'
+
+'Wish they may get it,' observed Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'why, the
+ground's as hard as iron.'
+
+'There's a big boy,' observed Miss Howard, eyeing George Cheek through the
+window.
+
+'Let's have him in, and see what he's got to say for himself,' said Miss
+Glitters.
+
+'_You_ ask him, then,' rejoined Miss Howard, who didn't care to risk
+another rub.
+
+'Peter,' said Lady Scattercash to the footman, who had been loitering
+about, listening to the conversation,--'Peter, go and ask that tall boy
+with the blue neckerchief and the riband round his hat to come in.'
+
+'Yes, my lady,' replied Peter.
+
+'And the (hiccup) Spooneys, and the (hiccup) Bulgeys, and the (hiccup)
+Raws, and all the little (hiccup) rascals,' added Sir Harry.
+
+'The Raws won't come. Sir H.,' observed Miss Howard soberly.
+
+'Bigger fools they,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+Presently Peter returned with a tail, headed by George Cheek, who came
+striding and slouching up the room, and stuck himself down on Lady
+Scattercash's right. The small boys squeezed themselves in as they could,
+one by Captain Seedeybuck, another by Captain Bouncey, one by Miss
+Glitters, a fourth by Miss Howard, and so on. They all fell ravenously upon
+the provisions.
+
+Gobble, gobble, gobble was the order of the day.
+
+'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked Lady
+Scattercash of George Cheek, as she gave him a cup of coffee.
+
+Her ladyship hadn't much liking for youths of his age, and would just as
+soon vex them as not.
+
+'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked she again, not
+getting an answer to her first inquiry.
+
+'Not at all,' growled Cheek, reddening up.
+
+'Oh, flogged!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'You wouldn't have a young man like
+him flogged; it's only the little boys that get that--is it, Mister Cheek?'
+
+'To be sure not,' assented the youth.
+
+'Mister Cheek's a man,' observed Miss Glitters, eyeing him archly, as he
+sat stuffing his mouth with currant-loaf plentifully besmeared with
+raspberry-jam. 'He'll be wanting a wife soon,' added she, smiling across
+the table at Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'I question but he's got one,' observed the captain.
+
+'No, ar haven't,' replied Cheek, pleased at the imputation.
+
+'Then there's a chance for you. Miss G.,' retorted the captain. 'Mrs.
+George Cheek would look well on a glazed card with gilt edges.'
+
+'What a cub!' exclaimed Miss Howard, in disgust.
+
+'You're another,' replied Master Cheek, amidst a roar of laughter from the
+party.
+
+'Well, but you ask your master if you mayn't have a wife next half, and
+we'll see if we can't arrange matters,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'Noo, ar sharn't,' replied George, stuffing his mouth full of preserved
+apricot.
+
+'Why not?' asked Miss Howard, 'Because--because--ar'll have somethin'
+younger,' replied George.
+
+'Bravo, young Chesterfield!' exclaimed Miss Howard; adding, 'what it is to
+be thick with Lord John Manners!'
+
+'Ar'm not,' growled the boy, amidst the mirth of the company.
+
+'Well, but what must we do with these little (hiccup)?'
+asked Sir Harry, at last rising from the breakfast-table, and looking
+listlessly round the company for an answer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Oh! liquor them well, and send them home to their mammas,' suggested
+Captain Bouncey, who was all for the drink.
+
+'But they won't take their (hiccup),' replied Sir Harry, holding up a
+Curacao bottle to show how little had disappeared.
+
+'Try them with cherry brandy,' suggested Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'it's
+sweeter. Now, young man,' continued he, addressing George Cheek, as he
+poured him out a wineglassful, 'this is the real Daffy's elixir that you
+read of in the papers. It's the finest compound that ever was known. It
+will make your hair curl, your whiskers grow, and you a man before your
+mother.'
+
+'N-o-a, n-o-ar, don't want any more,' growled the young gentleman, turning
+away in disgust. 'Ar won't drink any more.'
+
+'Well, but be sociable,' observed Miss Howard, helping herself to a glass.
+
+'N-o-a, no, ar don't want to be sociable,' growled he, diving into his
+trouser-pockets, and wriggling about on his chair.
+
+'Well, then, what _will_ you do?' asked Miss Howard.
+
+'Hunt,' replied the youth.
+
+'Hunt!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, the ground's as hard as bricks.'
+
+'N-o-a, it's not,' replied the youth.
+
+'What a whelp!' exclaimed Miss Howard, rising from the table in disgust.
+
+'My Uncle Jellyboy wouldn't let such a frost stop him, I know,' observed
+the boy.
+
+'Who's your Uncle Jellyboy?' asked Miss Glitters.
+
+'He's a farmer, and keeps a few harriers at Scutley,' observed Bob
+Spangles, _sotto voce_.
+
+'And is that your extraordinary horse with all the legs?' asked Miss
+Howard, putting her glass to her eye, and scrutinizing a lank,
+woolly-coated weed, getting led about by a blue-aproned gardener. 'Is that
+your extraordinary horse, with all the legs?' repeated she, following the
+animal about with her glass.
+
+'Hoots, it hasn't more legs than other people's,' growled George.
+
+'It's got ten, at all events,' replied Miss Howard, to the astonishment of
+the juveniles.
+
+'Nor, it hasn't,' replied George.
+
+'Yes, it has,' rejoined the lady.
+
+'Nor, it hasn't,' repeated George.
+
+'Come and see,' said the lady; adding, 'perhaps it's put out some since you
+got off.'
+
+George slouched up to where she stood at the window.
+
+'Now,' said he, as the gardener turned the horse round, and he saw it had
+but four, 'how many has it?'
+
+'Ten!' replied Miss Howard.
+
+'Hoots,' replied George, 'you think it's April Fool's Day, I dare say.'
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Miss Howard; 'but I maintain your horse has ten
+legs. See, now!' continued she, 'what do you call these coming here?'
+
+'His two forelegs,' replied George.
+
+'Well, two fours--twice four's eight, eh? and his two hind ones make ten.'
+
+'Hoots,' growled George, amidst the mirth of his comrades, 'you're makin' a
+fool o' one.'
+
+'Well, but what must I do with all these little (hiccup) creatures?' asked
+Sir Harry again, seeing the plot still thickening outside.
+
+'Turn them out a bagman?' suggested Mr. Sponge, in an undertone; adding,
+'Watchorn has a three-legged 'un, I know, in the hay-loft.'
+
+'Oh, Watchorn wouldn't (hiccup) on such a day as this,' replied Sir Harry.
+'New Year's Day, too--most likely away, seeing his young hounds at walk.'
+
+'We might see, at all events,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well,' assented Sir Harry, ringing the bell. 'Peter,' said he, as the
+servant answered the summons, 'I wish you would (hiccup) to Mr. Watchorn's,
+and ask if he'll have the kindness to (hiccup) down here.' Sir Harry was
+obliged to be polite, for Watchorn, too, was on the 'free' list as Miss
+Glitters called it.
+
+'Yes, Sir Harry,' replied Peter, leaving the room.
+
+Presently Peter's white legs were seen wending their way among the laurels
+and evergreens, in the direction of Mr. Watchorn's house; he having a house
+and grass for six cows, all whose milk, he declared, went to the puppies
+and young hounds. Luckily, or unluckily perhaps, Mr. Watchorn was at home,
+and was in the act of shaving as Peter entered. He was a square-built
+dark-faced, dark-haired, good-looking, ill-looking fellow who cultivated
+his face on the four-course system of husbandry. First, he had a bare
+fallow--we mean a clean shave; that of course was followed by a full crop
+of hair all over, except on his upper lip; then he had a soldier's shave,
+off by the ear; which in turn was followed by a Newgate frill. The latter
+was his present style. He had now no whiskers, but an immense protuberance
+of bristly black hair, rising like a wave above his kerchief. Though he
+cared no more about hunting than his master, he was very fond of his red
+coat, which he wore on all occasions, substituting a hat for a cap when
+'off duty,' as he called it. Having attired himself in his best scarlet, of
+which he claimed three a year--one for wet days, one for dry days, another
+for high days--very natty kerseymere shorts and gaiters, with a
+small-striped, standing-collar, toilenette waistcoat, he proceeded to obey
+the summons.
+
+'Watchorn,' said Sir Harry, as the important gentleman appeared at the
+breakfast-room door--'Watchorn, these young (hiccup) gentlemen want a
+(hiccup) hunt.'
+
+'Oh! want must be their master, Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, with a broad
+grin on his flushed face, for he had been drinking all night, and was half
+drunk then.
+
+'Can't you manage it?' asked Sir Harry, mildly.
+
+''Ow is't possible. Sir 'Arry,' asked the huntsman, ''ow is't possible? No
+man's fonder of 'untin' than I am, but to turn out on sich a day as this
+would be a daring--a desperate violation of all the laws of registered
+propriety. The Pope's bull would be nothin' to it!'
+
+'How so?' asked Sir Harry, puzzled with the jumble.
+
+'How so?' repeated Watchorn; 'how so? Why, in the fust place, it's a mortal
+'ard frost, 'arder nor hiron; in the second place, I've got no arrangements
+made--you can't turn out a pack of 'igh-bred fox-'ounds as you would a lot
+of "staggers" or "muggers"; and, in the third place, you'll knock all your
+nags to bits, and they are a deal better in their wind than they are on
+their legs, as it is. No, Sir 'Arry--no,' continued he, slowly and
+thoughtfully. 'No, Sir 'Arry, no. Be Cardinal Wiseman, for once. Sir 'Arry;
+be Cardinal Wiseman for once, and don't _think_ of it.'
+
+'Well,' replied Sir Harry, looking at George Cheek, 'I suppose there's no
+help for it.'
+
+'It was quite a thaw where I came from,' observed Cheek, half to Sir Harry
+and half to the huntsman.
+
+''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Mr. Watchorn, with a chuck of his fringed
+chin, 'it generally is a thaw everywhere but where hounds meet.'
+
+'My Uncle Jollyboy wouldn't be stopped by such a frost as this,' observed
+Cheek.
+
+''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Watchorn, 'your Uncle Jellyboy's a very fine
+feller, I dare say--very fine feller; no such conjurers in these parts as
+he is. What man dare, I dare; he who dares more, is no man,' added
+Watchorn, giving his fat thigh a hearty slap.
+
+'Well done, old Talliho!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'We'll have you on the
+stage next.'
+
+'What will you wet your whistle with after your fine speech?' asked Lady
+Scattercash.
+
+'Take a tumbler of chumpine, if there is any,' replied Watchorn, looking
+about for a long-necked bottle.
+
+'Fear you'll come on badly,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, holding up an
+empty one, 'for Bouncey and I have just finished the last'; the captain
+chucking the bottle sideways on to the floor, and rolling it towards its
+companion in the corner.
+
+'Have a fresh bottle,' suggested Lady Scattercash, drawing the bell-string
+at her chair.
+
+'Champagne,' said her ladyship, as the footman answered the summons.
+
+'Two on 'em!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Three!' shouted Sir Harry.
+
+'We'll have a regular set-to,' observed Miss Howard, who was fond of
+champagne.
+
+'New Year's Day,' replied Bouncey, 'and ought to be properly observed.'
+
+Presently, Fiz--z,--pop,--bang! Fiz--z,--pop,--bang! went the bottles; and,
+as the hissing beverage foamed over the bottle-necks, glasses were sought
+and held out to catch the creaming contents.
+
+'Here's a (hiccup) happy new year to us all!' exclaimed Sir Harry, drinking
+off his wine. 'H-o-o-ray!' exclaimed the company in irregular order, as
+they drank off theirs.
+
+'We'll drink Mr. Watchorn and the Nonsuch hounds!' exclaimed Bob Spangles,
+as Watchorn, having drained off his tumbler, replaced it on the sideboard.
+
+'With all the honours!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, filling his glass and
+rising to give the time; 'Watchorn, your good health!' 'Watchorn, your good
+health!' sounded from all parts, which Watchorn kept acknowledging, and
+looking about for the means to return the compliment, his friends being
+more intent upon drinking his health than upon supplying him with wine. At
+last he caught the third of a bottle of 'chumpine,' and, emptying it into
+his tumbler, held it up while he thus addressed them:
+
+'Gen'lemen all!' said he, 'I thank you most 'ticklarly for this mark of
+your 'tention (applause); it's most gratifying to my feelins to be thus
+remembered (applause). I could say a great deal more, but the liquor won't
+wait.' So saying, he drained off his glass while the wine effervesced.
+
+'Well, and what d'ye (hiccup) of the weather now?' asked Sir Harry, as his
+huntsman again deposited his tumbler on the sideboard.
+
+'Pon my soul! Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, quite briskly, 'I really think
+we _might_ 'unt--we might try, at all events. The day seems changed,
+some'ow,' added he, staring vacantly out of the window on the bright sunny
+landscape, with the leafless trees dancing before his eyes.
+
+'_I_ think so,' said Sir Harry. 'What do you think, Mr. Sponge?' added he,
+appealing to our hero.
+
+'Half an hour may make a great difference,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'The sun
+will then be at its best.'
+
+'We'll try, at all events,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'That's right,' exclaimed George Cheek, waving a scarlet bandana over his
+head.
+
+'I shall expect you to ride up to the 'ounds, young gent,' observed
+Watchorn, darting an angry look at the speaker.
+
+'Won't I, old boy!' exclaimed George; 'ride over you, if you don't get out
+of the way.'
+
+''Deed,' sneered the huntsman, whisking about to leave the room; muttering,
+as he passed behind the large Indian screen at the door, something about
+'jawing jackanapes, well called Cheek.'
+
+''Unt in 'alf an hour!' exclaimed Watchorn, from the steps of the front
+door; an announcement that was received by the little Raws, and little
+Spooneys, and little Baskets, and little Bulgeys, and little Bricks, and
+little others, with rapturous applause.
+
+All was now commotion and hurry-scurry inside and out; glasses were
+drained, lips wiped, and napkins thrown hastily away, while ladies and
+gentlemen began grouping and talking about hats and habits, and what they
+should ride.
+
+'You go with me, Orlando,' said Lady Scattercash to our friend Bugles,
+recollecting the quantity of diachylon plaster it had taken to repair the
+damage of his former equestrian performance. 'You go with me, Orlando,'
+said she, 'in the phaeton; and I'll lend Lucy,' nodding towards Miss
+Glitters, 'my habit and horse.'
+
+'Who can lend me a coat?' asked Captain Seedeybuck, examining the skirts of
+a much frayed invisible-green surtout.
+
+'A coat!' replied Captain Quod; 'I can lend you a Joinville, if that will
+do as well,' the captain feeling his own extensive one as he spoke.
+
+'Hardly,' said Seedeybuck, turning about to ask Sir Harry.
+
+'What!--you are going to give Watchorn a tussle, are you?' asked Captain
+Cutitfat of George Cheek, as the latter began adjusting the fox-toothed
+riband about his hat.
+
+'I believe you,' replied George, with a knowing jerk of his head; adding,
+'it won't take much to beat him.'
+
+'What! he's a slow 'un, is he?' asked Cutitfat, in an undertone.
+
+'Slowest coach I ever saw,' growled George.
+
+'Won't ride, won't he?' asked the Captain.
+
+'Not if he can help it,' replied George, adding, 'but he's such a shocking
+huntsman--never saw such a huntsman in all my life.'
+
+George's experience lay between his Uncle Jellyboy, who rode eighteen stone
+and a half, Tom Scramble, the pedestrian huntsman of the Slowfoot hounds,
+near Mr. Latherington's, and Mr. Watchorn. But critics, especially hunting
+ones, are all ready made, as Lord Byron said.
+
+'Well, we'd better disperse and get ready,' observed Bob Spangles, making
+for the door; whereupon the tide of population flowed that way, and the
+room was presently cleared.
+
+George Cheek and the juveniles then returned to their friends in the front;
+and George got up pony races among the Johnny Raws, the Baskets, the
+Bulgeys, and the Spooneys, thrice round the carriage ring and a distance,
+to the detriment of the gravel and the discomfiture of the flower-bed in
+the centre.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIV
+
+THE KENNEL AND THE STUD
+
+
+We will now accompany Mr. Watchorn to the stable, whither his resolute legs
+carried him as soon as the champagne wrought the wonderful change in his
+opinion of the weather, though, as he every now and then crossed a spangled
+piece of ground upon which the sun had not struck, or stopped to crack a
+piece of ice with his toe, he shook his heated head and doubted whether
+_he_ was Cardinal Wiseman for making the attempt. Nothing but the fact of
+his considering it perfectly immaterial whether he was with his hounds or
+not encouraged him in the undertaking. 'Dash them!' said he, 'they must
+just take care of themselves.' With which laudable resolution, and an
+inward anathema at George Cheek, he left off trying the ground and tapping
+the ice.
+
+Watchorn's hurried, excited appearance produced little satisfaction among
+the grooms and helpers at the stables, who were congratulating themselves
+on the opportune arrival of the frost, and arranging how they should spend
+their New Year's Day.
+
+'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' exclaimed he, clapping his hands as he ran
+up the yard. 'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' repeated he, as the astonished
+helpers showed their bare arms and dirty shirts at the partially opened
+doors, responsive to the sound. 'Send Snaffle here, send Brown here, send
+Green here, send Snooks here,' exclaimed he, with the air of a man in
+authority.
+
+Now Snaffle was the stud-groom, a personage altogether independent of the
+huntsman, and, in the ordinary course of nature, Snaffle had just as much
+right to send for Watchorn as Watchorn had to send for him; but Watchorn
+being, as we said before, some way connected with Lady Scattercash, he just
+did as he liked among the whole of them, and they were too good judges to
+rebel.
+
+'Snaffle,' said he, as the portly, well-put-on personage waddled up to him;
+'Snaffle,' said he, 'how many sound 'osses have you?'
+
+'_None_, sir,' replied Snaffle confidently.
+
+'How many three-legged 'uns have you that can go, then?'
+
+'Oh! a good many,' replied Snaffle, raising his hands to tell them off on
+his fingers. 'There's Hop-the-twig, and Hannah Bell (Hannibal), and Ugly
+Jade, and Sir-danapalis--the Baronet as we calls him--and Harkaway, and
+Hit-me-hard, and Single-peeper, and Jack's-alive, and Groggytoes, and
+Greedyboy, and Puff-and-blow; that's to say _two_ and three-legged 'uns, at
+least,' observed Snaffle, qualifying his original assertion.
+
+'Ah, well!' said Watchorn, 'that'll do--two legs are too many for some of
+the rips they'll have to carry--Let me see,' continued he thoughtfully,
+'I'll ride 'Arkaway.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' said Snaffle.
+
+'Sir 'Arry, 'It-me-'ard.'
+
+'Won't you put him on Sir-danapalis?' asked Snaffle.
+
+'No,' replied Watchorn, 'no; I wants to save the Bart.--I wants to save the
+Bart. Sir 'Arry must ride 'It-me-'ard.'
+
+'Is her ladyship going?' asked Snaffle.
+
+'Her ladyship drives,' replied Watchorn. 'And you. Snooks,' addressing a
+bare-armed helper, 'tell Mr. Traces to turn her out a pony phaeton and
+pair, with fresh rosettes and all complete, you know.'
+
+'Yes sir,' said Snooks, with a touch of his forelock.
+
+'And you'd better tell Mr. Leather to have a horse for his master,'
+observed Watchorn to Snaffle, 'unless as how you wish to put him on one of
+yours.'
+
+'Not I,' exclaimed Snaffle; 'have enough to mount without him. D'ye know
+how many'll be goin'?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied Watchorn, hurrying off; adding, as he went, 'oh, hang 'em,
+just saddle 'em all, and let 'em scramble for 'em.'
+
+The scene then changed. Instead of hissing helpers pursuing their vocations
+in stable or saddle-room, they began bustling about with saddles on their
+heads and bridles in their hands, the day of expected ease being changed
+into one of unusual trouble. Mr. Leather declared, as he swept the clothes
+over Multum in Parvo's tail, that it was the most unconscionable proceeding
+he had ever witnessed; and muttered something about the quiet comforts he
+had left at Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's, hinting his regret at having come to
+Sir Harry's, in a sort of dialogue with himself as he saddled the horse.
+The beauties of the last place always come out strong when a servant gets
+to another. But we must accompany Mr. Watchorn.
+
+Though his early career with the Camberwell and Balham Hill Union harriers
+had not initiated him much into the delicacies of the chase, yet,
+recollecting the presence of Mr. Sponge, he felt suddenly seized with a
+desire of 'doing things as they should be'; and he went muttering to the
+kennel, thinking how he would leave Dinnerbell and Prosperous at home, and
+how the pack would look quite as well without Frantic running half a field
+ahead, or old Stormer and Stunner bringing up the rear with long protracted
+howls. He doubted, indeed, whether he would take Desperate, who was an
+incorrigible skirter; but as she was not much worse in this respect than
+Chatterer or Harmony, who was also an inveterate babbler, and the pack
+would look rather short without them, he reserved the point for further
+consideration, as the judges say.
+
+His speculations were interrupted by arriving at the kennel, and finding
+the door fast, he looked under the slate, and above the frame, and inside
+the window, and on the wall, for the key; and his shake, and kick, and
+clatter were only answered by a full chorus from the excited company
+within.
+
+'Hang the feller! what's got 'im!' exclaimed he, meaning Joe Haggish, the
+feeder, whom he expected to find there.
+
+Joe, however, was absent; not holiday-making, but on a diplomatic visit to
+Mr. Greystones, the miller, at Splashford, who had positively refused to
+supply any more meal, until his 'little bill' (£430) for the three previous
+years was settled; and flesh being very scarce in the country, the hounds
+were quite light and fit to go. Joe had gone to try and coax Greystones out
+of a ton or two of meal, on the strength of its being New Year's Day.
+
+'Dash the feller! wot's got'im?' exclaimed Watchorn, seizing the latch, and
+rattling it furiously. The melody of the hungry pack increased. ''Ord rot
+the door!' exclaimed the infuriated huntsman, setting his back against it;
+at the first push, open it flew. Watchorn fell back, and the astonished
+pack poured over his prostrate body, regardless alike of his holiday coat,
+his tidy tie, and toilenette vest. What a scrimmage! What a kick-up was
+there! Away the hounds scampered, towling and howling, some up to the
+fleshwheel, to see if there was any meat; some to the bone heap, to see if
+there was any there; others down to the dairy, to try and effect an
+entrance in it; while Launcher, and Lightsome, and Burster, rushed to the
+backyard of Nonsuch House, and were presently over ears in the pig-pail.
+
+'Get me my horn! get me my whop!--get me my cap!--get me my bouts!'
+exclaimed Watchorn, as he recovered his legs, and saw his wife eyeing the
+scene from the door. 'Get me my bouts!--get me my cap!--get me my
+whop!--get me my horn, woman!' continued he, reversing the order of things,
+and rubbing the hounds' feetmarks off his clothes as he spoke.
+
+Mrs. Watchorn was too well drilled to dwell upon orders, and she met her
+lord and master in the passage with the enumerated articles in her hand.
+Watchorn having deposited himself on an entrance-hall chair--for it was a
+roomy, well-furnished house, having been the steward's while there was
+anything to take care of--Mrs. Watchorn proceeded to strip off his gaiters
+while he drew on his boots and crowned himself with his cap. Mrs. Watchorn
+then buckled on his spurs, and he hurried off, horn in hand, desiring her
+to have him a basin of turtle-soup ready against he came in; adding, 'She
+knew where to get it.' The frosty air then resounded with the twang, twang,
+twang of his horn, and hounds began drawing up from all quarters, just as
+sportsmen cast up at a meet from no one knows where.
+
+'He-here, hounds--he-here, good dogs!' cried he, coaxing and making much of
+the first-comers: 'he-here. Galloper, old boy!' continued he, diving into
+his coat-pocket, and throwing him a bit of biscuit. The appearance of food
+had a very encouraging effect, for forthwith there was a general rush
+towards Watchorn, and it was only by rating and swinging his 'whop' about
+that he prevented the pack from pawing, and perhaps downing him. At length,
+having got them somewhat tranquillized, he set off on his return to the
+stables, coaxing the shy hounds, and rating and rapping those that seemed
+inclined to break away. Thus he managed to march into the stable-yard in
+pretty good order, just as the house party arrived in the opposite
+direction, attired in the most extraordinary and incongruous habiliments.
+There was Bob Spangles, in a swallow-tailed, mulberry-coloured scarlet,
+that looked like an old pen-wiper, white duck trousers, and lack-lustre
+Napoleon boots; Captain Cutitfat, in a smart new 'Moses and Son's'
+straight-cut scarlet, with bloodhound heads on the buttons, yellow-ochre
+leathers, and Wellington boots with drab knee-caps; little Bouncey in a
+tremendously baggy long-backed scarlet, whose gaping outside-pockets showed
+that they had carried its late owner's hands as well as his handkerchief;
+the clumsy device on the tarnished buttons looking quite as much like
+sheep's-heads as foxes'. Bouncey's tight tweed trousers were thrust into a
+pair of wide fisherman's boots, which, but for his little roundabout
+stomach, would have swallowed him up bodily. Captain Quod appeared in a
+venerable dresscoat of the Melton Hunt, made in the popular reign of Mr.
+Errington, whose much-stained and smeared silk facings bore testimony to
+the good cheer it had seen. As if in contrast to the light airiness of this
+garment, Quod had on a tremendously large shaggy brown waistcoat, with horn
+buttons, a double tier of pockets, and a nick out in front. With an unfair
+partiality his nether man was attired in a pair of shabby old black, or
+rather brown, dress trousers, thrust into long Wellington boots with brass
+heel spurs. Captain Seedeybuck had on a spruce swallow-tailed green coat of
+Sir Harry's, a pair of old tweed trousers of his own, thrust into long
+chamois-leather opera-boots, with red morocco tops, giving the whole a very
+unique and novel appearance. Mr. Orlando Bugles, though going to drive with
+my lady, thought it incumbent to put on his jack-boots, and appeared in
+kerseymere shorts, and a highly frogged and furred blue frock-coat, with
+the corner of a musked cambric kerchief acting the part of a star on his
+breast.
+
+"Here comes old sixteen-string'd Jack!" exclaimed Bob Spangles, as his
+brother-in-law, Sir Harry, came hitching and limping along, all strings,
+and tapes, and ends, as usual, followed by Mr. Sponge in the strict and
+severe order of sporting costume; double-stitched, back-stitched,
+sleeve-strapped, pull-devil, pull-baker coat, broad corduroy vest with
+fox-teeth buttons, still broader corded breeches, and the redoubtable
+vinegar tops. "Now we're all ready!" exclaimed Bob, working his arms as if
+anxious to be off, and giving a shrill shilling-gallery whistle with his
+fingers, causing the stable-doors to fly open, and the variously tackled
+steeds to emerge from their stalls.
+
+"A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!" exclaimed Miss Glitters,
+running up as fast as her long habit, or rather Lady Scattercash's long
+habit, would allow her. "A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!"
+repeated she, diving into the throng.
+
+'White Surrey is saddled for the field,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles,
+drawing himself up pompously, and waving his right hand gracefully towards
+her ladyship's Arab palfrey, inwardly congratulating himself that Miss
+Glitters was going to be bumped upon it instead of him.
+
+'Give us a leg up, Seedey!' exclaimed Lucy Glitters to the 'gent' of the
+green coat, fearing that Miss Howard, who was a little behind, might claim
+the horse.
+
+[Illustration: MR. BUGLES GOES OUT HUNTING AGAIN]
+
+Captain Seedeybuck seized her pretty little uplifted foot and vaulted her
+into the saddle as light as a cork. Taking the horse gently by the mouth,
+she gave him the slightest possible touch with the whip, and moved him
+about at will, instead of fretting and fighting him as the clumsy,
+heavy-handed Bugles had done. She looked beautiful on horseback, and for a
+time riveted the attention of our sportsmen. At length they began to think
+of themselves, and then there were such climbings on, and clutchings, and
+catchings, and clingings, and gently-ings, and who-ho-ings, and
+who-ah-ings, and questionings if 'such a horse was quiet?' if another
+'could leap well?' if a third 'had a good mouth?' and whether a fourth
+'ever ran away?'
+
+'Take my port-stirrup up two 'oles!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey from the top
+of high Hop-the-twig, sticking out a leg to let the groom do it.
+
+The captain had affected the sea instead of the land service, while a
+betting-list keeper, and found the bluff sailor character very taking.
+
+'Avast there!' exclaimed he, as the groom ran the buckle up to the desired
+hole. 'Now,' said he, gathering up the reins in a bunch, 'how many knots an
+hour can this 'orse go?'
+
+'Twenty,' replied the man, thinking he meant miles.
+
+'Let her go, then!' exclaimed the captain, kicking the horse's sides with
+his spurless heels.
+
+Mr. Watchorn now mounted Harkaway; Sir Harry scrambled on to Hit-me-hard;
+Miss Howard was hoisted on to Groggytoes, and all the rest being 'fit' with
+horses of some sort or other, and the races in the front being over the
+juveniles poured into the yard. Lady Scattercash's pony-phaeton turned out,
+and our friends were at length ready for a start.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXV
+
+THE HUNT
+
+
+While the foregoing arrangements were in progress, Mr. Watchorn had desired
+Slarkey, the knife-boy, to go into the old hay-loft and take the
+three-legged fox he would find, and put him down among the laurels by the
+summer-house, where he would draw up to him all 'reg'lar' like.
+Accordingly, Slarkey went, but the old cripple having mounted the rafters,
+Slarkey didn't see him, or rather seeing but one fox, he clutched him, with
+a greater regard to his not biting him than to seeing how many legs he had;
+consequently he bagged an uncommonly fine old dog fox, that Wiley Tom had
+just stolen from Lord Scamperdale's new cover at Faggotfurze; and it was
+not until Slarkey put him down among the bushes, and saw how lively he
+went, that he found out his mistake. However, there was no help for it,
+and he had just time to pocket the bag when Watchorn's half-drunken cheer,
+and the reverberating cracks of ponderous whips on either side of the Dean,
+announced the approach of the pack.
+
+'He-leu in there!' cried Watchorn to the hounds. ''Ord, dommee, but it's
+slippy,' said he to himself. 'Have at him. Plunderer, good dog! I wish I
+may be Cardinal Wiseman for comin',' added he, seeing how his breath showed
+on the air. 'Ho-o-i-cks! p_a_sh 'im hup! I'll be dashed if I shan't be
+down!' exclaimed he, as his horse slid a long slide. 'He-leu, in!
+Conqueror, old boy!' continued he, exclaiming loud enough for Mr. Sponge
+who was drawing near to hear, 'find us a fox that'll give us five and forty
+minnits!' the speaker inwardly hoping they might chop their bagman in
+cover. 'Y-o-o-icks! rout him out!' continued he, getting more energetic.
+'Y-o-o-icks! wind him! Y-o-o-icks! stir us hup a teaser!'
+
+'No go, I think,' observed George Cheek, ambling up on his leggy weed.
+
+'No go, ye young infidel,' growled Watchorn, 'who taught you to talk about
+go's, I wonder? ought to be at school larnin' to cipher, or ridin' the
+globes,' Mr. Watchorn not exactly knowing what the term 'use of the
+globes,' meant. 'D'ye call that _nothin_'!' exclaimed he, taking off his
+cap as he viewed the fox stealing along the gravel walk; adding to himself,
+as he saw his even action, and full, well-tagged brush, ''Ord rot him, he's
+got hold of the wrong 'un!'
+
+It was, however, no time for thought. In an instant the welkin rang with
+the outburst of the pack and the clamour of the field. 'Talli ho!' 'Talli
+ho!' 'Talli ho!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' cried a score of voices, and
+'Twang! twang! twang!' went the shrill horn of the huntsman. The whips,
+too, stood in their stirrups, cracking their ponderous thongs, which
+sounded like guns upon the frosty air, and contributed their 'Get together!
+get together, hounds!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark' to the
+general uproar. Oh, what a row, what a riot, what a racket! Watchorn being
+'in' for it, and recollecting how many saw a start who never thought of
+seeing a finish, immediately got his horse by the head, and singled himself
+out from the crowd now pressing at his horse's heels, determining, if the
+hounds didn't run into their fox in the park, to ride them off the scent at
+the very first opportunity. The 'chumpine' being still alive within him, in
+the excitement of the moment he leaped the hand-gate leading out of the
+shrubberies into the park; the noise the horse made in taking off
+resembling the trampling on wood-pavement.
+
+'Cuss it, but it's 'ard!' exclaimed he, as the horse slid two or three
+yards as he alighted on the frozen field.
+
+George Cheek followed him; and Multum in Parvo, taking the bit deliberately
+between his teeth, just walked through the gate, as if it had been made of
+paper.
+
+'Ah, ye brute!' groaned Mr. Sponge, in disgust, digging the Latchfords into
+his sides, as if he intended to make them meet in the middle. 'Ah, ye
+brute!' repeated he, giving him a hearty cropper as he put up his head
+after trying to kick him off.
+
+'Thank you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, cantering up; adding, 'you cleared
+the way nicely for me.'
+
+Nicely he had cleared it for them all; and the pent-up tide of
+equestrianism now poured over the park like the flood of an irrigated water
+meadow. Such ponies! such horses! such hugging! such kicking! such
+scrambling! and so little progress with many!
+
+The park being extensive--three hundred acres or more--there was ample
+space for the aspiring ones to single themselves out; and as Lady
+Scattercash and Orlando sat in the pony-phaeton, on the rising ground by
+the keeper's house, they saw a dark-clad horseman (George Cheek), Old
+Gingerbread Boots, as they called Mr. Sponge, with Lucy Glitters alongside
+of him, gradually stealing away from the crowd, and creeping up to Mr.
+Watchorn, who was sailing away with the hounds.
+
+'What a scrimmage!' exclaimed her ladyship, standing up in the carriage,
+and eyeing the
+
+    Strange confusion in the vale below.
+
+'There's Bob in his old purple,' said she, eyeing her brother hustling
+along; 'and there's "Fat" in his new Moses and Son; and Bouncey in poor
+Wax's coat; and there's Harry all legs and wings, as usual,' added she, as
+her husband was seen flibberty-gibbertying it along.
+
+'And there's Lucy; and where's Miss Howard, I wonder?' observed Orlando,
+straining his eyes after the scrambling field.
+
+Nothing but the inspiriting aid of 'chumpine,' and the hope that the thing
+would soon terminate, sustained Mr. Watchorn under the infliction in which
+he so unexpectedly found himself; for nothing would have tempted him to
+brave such a frost with the burning scent of a game four-legged fox. The
+park being spacious, and enclosed by a high plank paling, he hoped the fox
+would have the manners to confine himself within it; and so long as his
+threadings and windings favoured the supposition, our huntsman bustled
+along, yelling and screaming in apparent ecstasy at the top of his voice.
+The hounds, to be sure, wanted keeping together, for Frantic as usual had
+shot ahead, while the gorged pigpailers could never extricate themselves
+from the ponies.
+
+'F-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d!' elongated
+Watchorn, rising in his stirrups, and looking back with a grin at George
+Cheek, who was plying his weed with the whip, exclaiming, 'Ah, you
+confounded young warmint, I'll give you a warmin'! I'll teach you to jaw
+about 'untin'!'
+
+As he turned his head straight to look at his hounds, he was shocked to see
+Frantic falling backwards from a first attempt to leap the park-palings,
+and just as she gathered herself for a second effort, Desperate, Chatterer,
+and Galloper, charged in line and got over. Then came the general rush of
+the pack, attended with the usual success--some over, some back, some a-top
+of others.
+
+'Oh, the devil!' exclaimed Watchorn, pulling up short in a perfect agony of
+despair. 'Oh, the devil!' repeated he in a lower tone, as Mr. Sponge
+approached.
+
+'Where's there a gate?' roared our friend, skating up.
+
+'Gate! there's never a gate within a mile, and that's locked,' replied
+Watchorn sulkily.
+
+'Then here goes!' replied Mr. Sponge, gathering the chestnut together to
+give him an opportunity of purging himself of his previous _faux pas_.
+'Here goes!' repeated he, thrusting his hard hat firmly on his head. Taking
+his horse back a few paces, Mr. Sponge crammed him manfully at the palings,
+and got over with a rap.
+
+'Well done you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters in delight; adding to Watchorn,
+'Now, old Beardey, you go next.'
+
+Beardey was irresolute. He pretended to be anxious to get the tail hounds
+over.
+
+'Clear the way, then!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, putting her horse back, her
+bright eyes flashing as she spoke. She took him back as far as Mr. Sponge
+had done, touched him with the whip, and in an instant she was high in the
+air, landing safely on the far side.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Captains Quod and Cutitfat, who now came panting up.
+
+'Now, Mr. Watchorn!' cried Captain Seedeybuck, adding, 'You're a huntsman!'
+
+'Yooi over, Prosperous! Yooi over, Buster!' cheered Watchorn, still
+pretending anxiety about his hounds.
+
+'Let _me_ have a shy,' squeaked George Cheek, backing his giraffe, as he
+had seen Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters do.
+
+George took his screw by the head, and, giving him a hearty rib-roasting
+with his whip, ran him full tilt at the palings, and carried away half a
+rood.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' cried the liberated field.
+
+'_I_ knew how it would be,' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, in well-feigned disgust
+as he rode through the gap; adding, '_con_-founded young waggabone!
+Deserves to be well _chaste_-tized for breakin' people's palin's in that
+way--lettin' in all the rubbishin' tail.'
+
+The scene then changed. In lieu of the green, though hard, sward of the
+undulating park, our friends now found themselves on large frozen fallows,
+upon whose uneven surface the heaviest horses made no impression while the
+shuffling rats of ponies toiled and floundered about, almost receding in
+their progress. Mr. Sponge was just topping the fence out of the first one,
+and Miss Glitters was gathering her horse to ride at it, as Watchorn and
+Co. emerged from the park. Rounding the turnip-hill beyond, the leading
+hounds were racing with a breast-high scent, followed by the pack in
+long-drawn file.
+
+'What a mess!' said Watchorn to himself, shading the sun from his eyes with
+his hand; when, remembering his _rôle_, he exclaimed, 'Y-o-o-n-der they
+go!' as if in ecstasies at the sight. Seeing a gate at the bottom of the
+field, he got his horse by the head, and rattled him across the fallow,
+blowing his horn more in hopes of stopping the pack than with a view of
+bringing up the tail-hounds. He might have saved his breath, for the music
+of the pack completely drowned the noise of the horn. 'Dash it!' said he,
+thumping the broad end against his thigh; 'I wish I was quietly back in my
+parlour. Hold up, horse!' roared he, as Harkaway nearly came on his
+haunches in pulling up at the gate. 'I know who's _not_ Cardinal Wiseman,'
+continued he, stooping to open it.
+
+The gate was fast, and he had to alight and lift it off its hinges. Just as
+he had done so, and had got it sufficiently open for a horse to pass,
+George Cheek came up from behind, and slipped through before him.
+
+'Oh, you unrighteous young renegade! Did ever mortal see sich an
+uncivilized trick?' roared Watchorn; adding, as he climbed on to his horse
+again, and went spluttering through the frozen turnips after the offender,
+'You've no 'quaintance with Lord John Manners, I think!'
+
+'Oh dear!--oh dear!' exclaimed he, as his horse nearly came on his head,
+'but this is the most punishin' affair I ever was in at. Puseyism's nothin'
+to it.' And thereupon he indulged in no end of anathemas at Slarkey for
+bringing the wrong fox.
+
+'About time to take soundings, and cast anchor, isn't it?' gasped Captain
+Bouncey, toiling up red-hot on his pulling horse in a state of utter
+exhaustion, as Watchorn stood craneing and looking at a rasper through
+which Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters had passed, without disturbing a twig.
+
+'C--a--s--t anchor!' exclaimed Watchorn, in a tone of derision--'not this
+half-hour yet, I hope!--not this forty minnits yet, I hope;--not this hour
+and twenty minnits yet, I hope!' continued he, putting his horse
+irresolutely at the fence. The horse blundered through it, barking
+Watchorn's nose with a branch.
+
+''Ord rot it, cut off my nose!' exclaimed he, muffling it up in his hand.
+'Cut off my nose clean by my face, I do believe,' continued he, venturing
+to look into his hand for it. 'Well,' said he, eyeing the slight stain of
+blood on his glove, 'this will be a lesson to me as long as I live. If ever
+I 'unt again in a frost, may I be ----. Thank goodness! they've checked at
+last!' exclaimed he, as the music suddenly ceased, and Mr. Sponge and Miss
+Glitters sat motionless together on their panting, smoking steeds.
+
+Watchorn then stuck spurs to his horse, and being now on a flat rushy
+pasture, with a bridle-gate into the field where the hounds were casting,
+he hustled across, preparing his horn for a blow as soon as he got there.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang--twang,' he went, riding up the hedgerow in the
+contrary direction to what the hounds leant. 'Twang--twang--twang,' he
+continued, inwardly congratulating himself that the fox would never face
+the troop of urchins he saw coming down with their guns.
+
+'Hang him!--he's never that way!' observed Mr. Sponge, _sotto voce_, to
+Miss Glitters. 'He's never that way,' repeated he, seeing how Frantic flung
+to the right.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the horn, but the hounds regarded it not.
+
+'Do, Mr. Sponge, put the hounds to me!' roared Mr. Watchorn, dreading lest
+they might hit off the scent.
+
+Mr. Sponge answered the appeal by turning his horse the way the hounds were
+feathering, and giving them a slight cheer.
+
+''Ord rot it!' roared Watchorn, '_do_ let 'em alone! that's a _fresh_ fox!
+ours is over the 'ill,' pointing towards Bonnyfield Hill.
+
+'Hoop!' hallooed Mr. Sponge, taking off his hat, as Frantic hit off the
+scent to the right, and Galloper, and Melody, and all the rest scored to
+cry.
+
+'Oh, you confounded brown-bouted beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, returning
+his horn to its case, and eyeing Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters sailing away
+with the again breast-high-scent pack. 'Oh, you exorbitant usurer!'
+continued he, gathering his horse to skate after them. 'Well now, that's
+the most disgraceful proceedin' I ever saw in the whole course of my life.
+Hang me, if I'll stand such work! Dash me, but I'll 'quaint the
+Queen!--I'll tell Sir George Grey! I'll write to Mr. Walpole! Fo-orrard!
+fo-orrard!' hallooed he, as Bob Spangles and Bouncey popped upon him
+unexpectedly from behind, exclaiming with well-feigned glee, as he pointed
+to the streaming pack with his whip, ''Ord dash it, but we're in for a good
+thing!'
+
+Little Bouncey's horse was still yawning and star-gazing, and Bouncey,
+being quite unequal to riding him and well-nigh exhausted, 'downed' him
+against a rubbing-post in the middle of a field, making a 'cannon' with his
+own and his horse's head, and was immediately the centre of attraction for
+the panting tail. Bouncey got near a pint of sherry from among them before
+he recovered from the shock. So anxious were they about him, that not one
+of them thought of resuming the chase. Even the lagging whips couldn't
+leave him. George Cheek was presently _hors de combat_ in a hedge, and
+Watchorn seeing him 'see-sawing,' exclaimed, as he slipped through a gate:
+
+'I'll send your mar to you, you young 'umbug.'
+
+Watchorn would gladly have stopped too, for the fumes of the champagne were
+dead within him, and the riding was becoming every minute more dangerous.
+He trotted on, hoping each jump of brown boots would be the last, and
+inwardly wishing the wearer at the devil. Thus he passed through a
+considerable extent of country, over Harrowdale Lordship, or reputed
+Lordship, past Roundington Tower, down Sloppyside Banks, and on to
+Cheeseington Green; the severity of his affliction being alone mitigated by
+the intervention of accommodating roads and lines of field gates. These,
+however, Mr. Sponge generally declined, and went crashing on, now over high
+places, now over low, just as they came in his way, closely followed by the
+fair Lucy Glitters.
+
+'Well, I never see'd sich a man as that!' exclaimed Watchorn, eyeing Mr.
+Sponge clearing a stiff flight of rails, with a gap near at hand. 'Nor
+woman nouther!' added he, as Miss Glitters did the like. 'Well, I'm dashed
+if it arn't dangerous!' continued he, thumping his hand against his thick
+thigh, as the white nearly slipped upon landing. 'F-o-r-r-ard! for-rard!
+hoop!' screeched he, as he saw Miss Glitters looking back to see where he
+was. 'F-o-r-rard! for-rard!' repeated he; adding, in apparent delight, 'My
+eyes, but we're in for a stinger! Hold up, horse!' roared he, as his horse
+now went starring up to the knees through a long sheet of ice, squirting
+the clayey water into his rider's face. 'Hold up!' repeated he, adding,
+'I'm dashed if one mightn't as well be crashin' over the Christial Palace
+as ridin' over a country froze in this way! 'Ord rot it, how cold it is!'
+continued he, blowing on his finger-ends; 'I declare my 'ands are quite
+numb. Well done, old brown bouts!' exclaimed he, as a crash on the right
+attracted his attention; 'well done, old brown bouts!--broke every bar i'
+the gate!' adding, 'but I'll let Mr. Buckram know the way his beautiful
+horses are 'bused. Well,' continued he, after a long skate down the grassy
+side of Ditchburn Lane, 'there's no fun in this--none whatever. Who the
+deuce would be a huntsman that could be anything else? Dash it! I'd rayther
+be a hosier--I'd rayther be a 'atter--I'd rayther be an undertaker--I'd
+rayther be a Pusseyite parson--I'd rayther be a pig-jobber--I'd rayther be
+a besom-maker--I'd rayther be a dog's-meat man--I'd rayther be a cat's-meat
+man--I'd rayther go about a sellin' of chick-weed and sparrow-grass!' added
+he, as his horse nearly slipped up on his haunches.
+
+'Thank 'eavens there's relief at last!' exclaimed he, as on rising
+Gimmerhog Hill he saw Farmer Saintfoin's southdowns wheeling and
+clustering, indicative of the fox having passed; 'thank 'eavens, there's
+relief at last!' repeated he, reining up his horse to see the hounds charge
+them.
+
+Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters were now in the bottom below, fighting their
+way across a broad mill-course with a very stiff fence on the taking-off
+side.
+
+'Hold up!' roared Mr. Sponge, as, having bored a hole through the fence, he
+found himself on the margin of the water-race. The horse did hold up, and
+landed him--not without a scramble--on the far side. 'Run him at it, Lucy!'
+exclaimed Mr. Sponge, turning his horse half round to his fair companion.
+'Run him at it, Lucy!' repeated he; and Lucy fortunately hitting the gap,
+skimmed o'er the water like a swallow on a summer's eve.
+
+'Well done! you're a trump!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, standing in his
+stirrups, and holding on by the mane as his horse rose the opposing hill.
+
+He just got up in time to save the muttons; another second and the hounds
+would have been into them. Holding up his hand to beckon Lucy to stop, he
+sat eyeing them intently. Many of them had their heads up, and not a few
+were casting sheep's eyes at the sheep. Some few of the line hunters were
+persevering with the scent over the greasy ground. It was a critical
+moment. They cast to the right, then to the left, and again took a wider
+sweep in advance, returning however towards the sheep, as if they thought
+them the best spec after all.
+
+'Put 'em to me,' said Mr. Sponge, giving Miss Glitters his whip; 'put 'em
+to me!' said he, hallooing, 'Yor-geot, hounds!--yor-geot!'--which, being
+interpreted, means, 'here again, hounds!--here again!'
+
+'Oh, the conceited beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn to himself, as,
+disappointed of his finish, he sat feeling his nose, mopping his face, and
+watching the proceedings. 'Oh, the conceited beggar!' repeated he, adding,
+'old 'hogany bouts is _ab_solutely a goin' to kest them.'
+
+Cast them, however, he did, proceeding very cautiously in the direction the
+hounds seemed to lean. They were on a piece of cold scenting ground, across
+which they could hardly own the scent.
+
+'Don't hurry 'em!' cried Mr. Sponge to Miss Glitters, who was acting
+whipper-in with rather unnecessary vigour.
+
+As they got under the lee of the hedge, the scent improved a little, and,
+from an occasional feathering stern, a hound or two indulged in a whimper,
+until at length they fairly broke out in a cry. 'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+Watchorn to himself, looking first at the formidable leap before him, and
+then to see if there was any one coming up behind. 'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+he. 'No notion of lippin' of a navigable river--a downright arm of the
+sea,' added he, getting off.
+
+'Forward! forward!' screeched Mr. Sponge, capping the hounds on, when away
+they went, heads up and sterns down as before.
+
+'Ay, for-rard! for-rard!' mimicked Mr. Watchorn; adding, 'you're for-rard
+enough, at all events.'
+
+After running about three-quarters of a mile at best pace, Mr. Sponge
+viewed the fox crossing a large grass field with all the steam up he could
+raise, a few hundred yards ahead of the pack, who were streaming along most
+beautifully, not viewing, but gradually gaining upon him. At last they
+broke from scent to view, and presently rolled him over and over among
+them.
+
+'WHO-HOOP!' screamed Mr. Sponge, throwing himself off his horse
+and rushing in amongst them. 'WHO-HOOP!' repeated he, still
+louder, holding the fox up in grim death above the baying pack.
+
+'Who-hoop!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, reining up in delight alongside the
+chestnut. 'Who-hoop!' repeated she, diving into the saddle-pocket for her
+lace-fringed handkerchief.
+
+'Throw me my whip!' cried Mr. Sponge, repelling the attacks of the hounds
+from behind with his heels. Having got it, he threw the fox on the ground,
+and clearing a circle, he off with his brush in an instant. 'Tear him and
+eat him!' cried he, as the pack broke in on the carcass. 'Tear him and eat
+him!' repeated he, as he made his way up to Miss Glitters with the brush,
+exclaiming, 'We'll put this in your hat, alongside the cock's feathers.'
+
+The fair lady leant towards him, and as he adjusted it becomingly in her
+hat, looking at her bewitching eyes, her lovely face, and feeling the sweet
+fragrance of her breath, a something shot through Mr. Sponge's pull-devil,
+pull-baker coat, his corduroy waistcoat, his Eureka shirt, Angola vest, and
+penetrated the very cockles of his heart. He gave her such a series of
+smacking kisses as startled her horse and astonished a poacher who
+happened to be hid in the adjoining hedge.
+
+Sponge was never so happy in his life. He could have stood on his head, or
+been guilty of any sort of extravagance, short of wasting his money. Oh, he
+was happy! Oh, he was joyous! He was intoxicated with pleasure. As he eyed
+his angelic charmer, her lustrous eyes, her glowing cheeks, her pearly
+teeth, the bewitching fulness of her elegant _tournure_, and thought of the
+masterly way she rode the run--above all, of the dashing style in which she
+charged the mill-race--he felt a something quite different to anything he
+had experienced with any of the buxom widows or lackadaisical misses whom
+he could just love or not, according to circumstances, among whom his
+previous experience had lain. Miss Glitters, he knew, had nothing, and yet
+he felt he could not do without her; the puzzlement of his mind was, how
+the deuce they should manage matters--'make tongue and buckle meet,' as he
+elegantly phrased it.
+
+It is pleasant to hear a bachelor's pros and cons on the subject of
+matrimony; how the difficulties of the gentleman out of love vanish or
+change into advantages with the one in--'Oh, I would never think of
+marrying without a couple of thousand a year at the _very least_!' exclaims
+young Fastly. '_I_ can't do without four hunters and a hack. _I_ can't do
+without a valet. _I_ can't do without a brougham. _I_ must belong to
+half-a-dozen clubs. _I'll_ not marry any woman who can't keep me
+comfortable--bachelors can live upon nothing--bachelors are welcome
+everywhere--very different thing with a wife. Frightful things milliners'
+bills--fifty guineas for a dress, twenty for a bonnet--ladies' maids are
+the very devil--never satisfied--far worse to please than their
+mistresses.' And between the whiffs of a cigar he hums the old saw--
+
+    'Needles and pins, needles and pins,
+    When a man marries his sorrow begins.'
+
+Now take him on the other tack--Fast is smitten.
+
+''Ord hang it! a married man can live on very little,' soliloquizes our
+friend. A nice lovely creature to keep one at home. Hunting's all humbug;
+it's only the flash of the thing that makes one follow it. Then the danger
+far more than counterbalances the pleasure. Awful places one has to ride
+over, to be sure, or submit to be called "slow." Horrible thing to set up
+for a horseman, and then have to ride to maintain one's reputation. Will be
+thankful to give it up altogether. The bays will make capital
+carriage-horses, and one can often pick up a second-hand carriage as good
+as new. Shall save no end of money by not having to put "B" to my name in
+the assessed tax-payer. One club's as good as a dozen--will give up the
+Polyanthus and the Sunflower, and the Refuse and the Rag. Ladies' dresses
+are cheap enough. Saw a beautiful gown t'other day for a guinea. Will start
+Master Bergamotte. Does nothing for his wages; will scarce clean my boots.
+Can get a chap for half what I give him, who'll do double the work. Will
+make Beans into coachman. What a convenience to have one's wife's maid to
+sew on one's buttons, and keep one's toes in one's stocking-feet! Declare I
+lose half my things at the washing for want of marking. Hanged if I won't
+marry and be respectable--marriage is an honourable state!' And thereupon
+Tom grows a couple of inches taller in his own conceit.
+
+Though Mr. Sponge's thoughts did not travel in quite such a luxurious
+first-class train as the foregoing, he, Mr. Sponge, being more of a
+two-shirts-and-a-dicky sort of man, yet still the future ways and means
+weighed upon his mind, and calmed the transports of his present joy. Lucy
+was an angel! about that there was no dispute. He would make her Mrs.
+Sponge at all events. Touring about was very expensive. He could only
+counterbalance the extravagance of inns by the rigid rule of giving nothing
+to servants at private houses. He thought a nice airy lodging in the
+suburbs of London would answer every purpose, while his accurate knowledge
+of cab-fares would enable Lucy to continue her engagement at the Royal
+Amphitheatre without incurring the serious overcharges the inexperienced
+are exposed to. 'Where one can dine, two can dine,' mused Mr. Sponge; 'and
+I make no doubt we'll manage matters somehow.'
+
+'Twopence for your thoughts!' cried Lucy, trotting up, and touching him
+gently on the back with her light silver-mounted riding-whip. 'Twopence for
+your thoughts!' repeated she, as Mr. Sponge sauntered leisurely along,
+regardless of the bitter cold, followed by such of the hounds as chose to
+accompany him.
+
+'Ah!' replied he, brightening up; 'I was just thinking what a deuced good
+run we'd had.'
+
+'Indeed!' pouted the fair lady.
+
+'No, my darling; I was thinking what a very pretty girl you are,' rejoined
+he, sidling his horse up, and encircling her neat waist with his arm.
+
+A sweet smile dimpled her plump cheeks, and chased the recollection of the
+former answer away.
+
+It would not be pretty--indeed, we could not pretend to give even the
+outline of the conversation that followed. It was carried on in such broken
+and disjointed sentences, eyes and squeezes doing so much more work than
+words, that even a reporter would have had to draw largely upon his
+imagination for the substance. Suffice it to say that, though the
+thermometer was below zero, they never moved out of a foot's pace; the very
+hounds growing tired of the trail, and slinking off one by one as the
+opportunity occurred.
+
+A dazzling sun was going down with a blood-red glare, and the partially
+softened ground was fast resuming its fretwork of frost, as our hero and
+heroine were seen sauntering up the western avenue to Nonsuch House, as
+slowly and quietly as if it had been the hottest evening in summer.
+
+'Here's old Coppertops!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck, as, turning round in
+the billiard-room to chalk his cue, he espied them crawling along. 'And
+Lucy!' added he as he stood watching them.
+
+'How slowly they come!' observed Bob Spangles, going to the window.
+
+'Must have tired their horses,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'Just the sort of man to tire a horse,' rejoined Bob Spangles.
+
+'Hate that Sponge,' observed Captain Cutitfat.
+
+'So do I,' replied Captain Quod.
+
+'Well, never mind the beggar! It's you to play!' exclaimed Bob Spangles to
+Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+But Lady Scattercash, who was observing our friends from her boudoir
+window, saw with a woman's eye that there was something more than a mere
+case of tired horses; and, tripping downstairs, she arrived at the front
+door just as the fair Lucy dropped smilingly from her horse into Mr.
+Sponge's extended arms. Hurrying up into the boudoir, Lucy gave her
+ladyship one of Mr. Sponge's modified kisses, revealing the truth more
+eloquently than words could convey.
+
+'Oh,' Lady Scattercash was '_so_ glad!' '_so_ delighted!' '_so_ charmed!'
+
+Mr. Sponge was _such_ a _nice_ man, and _so rich_. She was sure he was
+rich--couldn't hunt if he wasn't. Would advise Lucy to have a good
+settlement, in case he broke his neck. And pin-money! pin-money was most
+useful! no husband ever let his wife have enough money. Must forget all
+about Harry Dacre and Charley Brown, and the swell in the Blues. Must be
+prudent for the future. Mr. Sponge would never know anything of the past.
+Then she reverted to the interesting subject of settlements. 'What had Mr.
+Sponge got, and what would he do?' This Lucy couldn't tell. 'What! hadn't
+he told her where is estates were?--'No.' 'Well, was his dad dead?' This
+Lucy didn't know either. They had got no further than the tender prop. 'Ah!
+well; would get it all out of him by degrees.' And with the reiteration of
+her 'so glads,' and the repayment of the kiss Lucy had advanced, her
+ladyship advised her to get off her habit and make herself comfortable
+while she ran downstairs to communicate the astonishing intelligence to the
+party below.
+
+'What d'ye think?' exclaimed she, bursting into the billiard-room, where
+the party were still engaged in a game at pool, all our sportsmen, except
+Captain Cutitfat, who still sported his new Moses and Son's scarlet, having
+divested themselves of their hunting-gear--'What d'ye think?' exclaimed
+she, darting into the middle of them.
+
+'That Bob don't cannon?' observed Captain Bouncey from below the bandage
+that encircled his broken head, nodding towards Bob Spangles, who was just
+going to make a stroke.
+
+'That Wax is out of limbo?' suggested Captain Seedeybuck, in the same
+breath.
+
+'No. Guess again!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, rubbing her hands in high
+glee.
+
+'That the Pope's got a son?' observed Captain Quod.
+
+'No. Guess again!' exclaimed her ladyship, laughing.
+
+'I give it up,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'So do I,' added Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'_That Mr. Sponge is going to be married_,' enunciated her ladyship, slowly
+and emphatically, waving her arms.
+
+'Ho-o-ray! Only think of that!' exclaimed Captain Quod. 'Old 'hogany-tops
+goin' to be spliced!'
+
+'Did you ever?' asked Bob Spangles.
+
+'No, I _never_,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'He should be called Spooney Sponge, not Soapey Sponge,' observed Captain
+Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, but to whom?' asked Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Ah, to whom indeed! That's the question,' rejoined her ladyship archly.
+
+'I know,' observed Bob Spangles.
+
+'No, you don't.'
+
+'Yes, I do.'
+
+'Who is it, then?' demanded her ladyship.
+
+'Lucy Glitters, to be sure,' replied Bob, who hadn't had his stare out of
+the billiard-room window for nothing.
+
+'Pity her,' observed Bouncey, sprawling along the billiard-table to play
+for a cannon.
+
+'Why?' asked Lady Scattercash.
+
+'Reg'lar scamp,' replied Bouncey, vexed at missing his stroke.
+
+'Dare say you know nothing about him,' snapped her ladyship.
+
+'Don't I?' replied Bouncey complacently; adding, 'that's all you know.'
+
+'He'll whop her, to a certainty,' observed Seedeybuck.
+
+'What makes you think that?' asked her ladyship.
+
+'Oh--ha--hem--haw--why, because he whopped his poor horse--whopped him over
+the ears. Whop his horse, whop his wife; whop his wife, whop his horse.
+Reg'lar Rule-of-three sum.'
+
+'Make her a bad husband, I dare say,' observed Bob Spangles, who was rather
+smitten with Lucy himself.
+
+'Never mind; a bad husband's a deal better than none, Bob,' replied Lady
+Scattercash, determined not to be put out of conceit of her man.
+
+'He, he, he!--haw, haw, haw!--ho, ho, ho! Well done you!' laughed several.
+
+'She'll have to keep him,' observed Captain Cutitfat, whose turn it now was
+to play.
+
+'What makes you think that?' asked Lady Scattercash, coming again to the
+charge.
+
+'He has nothing,' replied Fat coolly.
+
+''Deed, but he has--a very good property, too,' replied her ladyship.
+
+'In _Air_shire, I should think,' rejoined Fat.
+
+'No, in Englandshire,' retorted her ladyship: 'and great expectations from
+an uncle,' added she.
+
+'Ah--he looks like a man to be on good terms with his uncle,' sneered
+Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Make no doubt he pays him many a visit,' observed Seedeybuck.
+
+'Indeed! that's all you know,' snapped Lady Scattercash.
+
+'It's not all I know,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, then, what else do you know?' asked she.
+
+'I know he has nothing,' replied Seedey.
+
+'How do you know it?'
+
+'I _know_,' said Seedey, with an emphasis, now settling to his stroke.
+
+'Well, never mind,' retorted her ladyship; 'if he has nothing, she has
+nothing, and nothing can be nicer.'
+
+So saying, she hurried out of the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVI
+
+MR. SPONGE AT HOME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sponge was most warmly congratulated by Sir Harry and all the assembled
+captains, who inwardly hoped his marriage would have the effect of
+'snuffing him out,' as they said, and they had a most glorious
+jollification on the strength of it. They drank Lucy's and his health nine
+times over, with nine times nine each time. The consequence was, that the
+footmen and shutter were in earlier requisition than usual to carry them to
+their respective apartments. Sponge's head throbbed a good deal the next
+morning; nor was the pulsation abated by the recollection of his
+matrimonial engagement, and his total inability to keep the angel who had
+ridden herself into his affections. However, like all untried men, he was
+strong in the confidence of his own ability, and the sight of his smiling
+charmer chased away all prudential considerations as quickly as they arose.
+He made no doubt there would something turn up.
+
+Meanwhile, he was in good quarters, and Lady Scattercash having warmly
+espoused his cause, he assumed a considerable standing in the
+establishment. Old Beardey having ventured to complain of his interference
+in the kennel, my lady curtly told him he might 'make himself scarce if he
+liked'; a step that Beardey was quite ready to take, having heard of a
+desirable public-house at Newington Butts, provided Sir Harry paid him his
+wages. This not being quite convenient, Sir Harry gave him an order on
+'Cabbage and Co.' for three suits of clothes, and acquiesced in his taking
+a massive silver soup-tureen, on which, beneath the many quartered
+Scattercash arms, Mr. Watchorn placed an inscription, stating that it was
+presented to him by Sir Harry Scattercash, Baronet, and the noblemen and
+gentlemen of his hunt, in admiration of his talents as a huntsman and his
+character as a man.
+
+Mr. Sponge then became still more at home. It was very soon 'my hounds,'
+and 'my horses,' and 'my whips'; and he wrote to Jawleyford, and
+Puffington, and Guano, and Lumpleg, and Washball, and Spraggon, offering to
+make meets to suit their convenience, and even to mount them if required.
+His _Mogg_ was quite neglected in favour of Lucy; and it says much for the
+influence of female charms that, before they had been engaged a fortnight,
+he, who had been a perfect oracle in cab fares, would have been puzzled to
+tell the most ordinary fare on the most frequented route. He had forgotten
+all about them. Nevertheless, Lucy and he went out hunting as often as they
+could raise hounds, and when they had a good run and killed, he saluted
+her; and when they didn't kill, why--he just did the same. He headed and
+tailed the stringing pack, drafted the skirters and babblers (which he sent
+to Lord Scamperdale, with his compliments), and presently had the uneven
+kennel in something like shape.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nor was this the only way in which he made himself useful, for Nonsuch
+House being now supported almost entirely by voluntary contributions--that
+is to say, by the gullibility of tradesmen--his street and shop knowledge
+was valuable in determining who to 'do.' With the Post Office Directory and
+Mr. Sponge at his elbow, Mr. Bottleends, the butler--'delirius tremendous,'
+as Bottleends called it, having quite incapacitated Sir Harry--wrote off
+for champagne from this man, sherry from that, turtle from a third, turbot
+from a fourth, tea from a fifth, truffles from a sixth, wax-lights from
+one, sperm from another; and down came the things with such alacrity, such
+thanks for the past and hopes for the future, as we poor devils of the
+untitled world are quite unacquainted with. Nay, not content with giving
+him the goods, many of the poor demented creatures actually paraded their
+folly at their doors in new deal packing-cases, flourishingly directed
+'TO SIR HARRY SCATTERCASH, BART., NONSUCH HOUSE, &c. _By Express
+Train_.' In some cases they even paid the carriage.
+
+And here, in the midst of love, luxury, and fox-hunting, let us for a time
+leave our enterprising friend, Mr. Sponge, while we take a look at a
+species of cruelty that some people call 'sport.' For this purpose we will
+begin a fresh chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVII
+
+HOW THEY GOT UP THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC STEEPLE-CHASE'
+
+
+There is no saying what advantages railway communication may confer upon a
+country. But for the Granddiddle Junction, ----shire never would have had a
+steeple-chase--an 'Aristocratic,' at least--for it is observable that the
+more snobbish a thing is, the more certain they are to call it
+aristocratic. When it is too bad for anything, they call it 'Grand.' Well,
+as we said before, but for the Granddiddle Junction, ----shire would never
+have had a 'Grand Aristocratic Steeple-Chase.' A few friends or farmers
+might have got up a quiet thing among themselves, but it would never have
+seen a regular trade transaction, with its swell mob, sham captains, and
+all the paraphernalia of odd laying, 'secret tips,' and market rigging. Who
+will deny the benefit that must accrue to any locality by the infusion of
+all the loose fish of the kingdom?
+
+Formerly the prize-fights were the perquisite of the publicans. They it was
+who arranged for Shaggy Tom to pound Harry Billy's nob upon So-and-so's
+land, the preference being given to the locality that subscribed the most
+money to the fight. Since the decline of 'the ring,' steeple-chasing, and
+that still smaller grade of gambling--coursing, have come to their aid.
+Nine-tenths of the steeple-chasing and coursing-matches are got up by
+inn-keepers, for the good of their houses. Some of the town publicans,
+indeed, seem to think that the country was just made for their matches to
+come off in, and scarcely condescend to ask the leave of the landowners.
+
+We saw an advertisement the other day, where a low publican, in a
+manufacturing town, assured the subscribers to his coursing-club that he
+would take care to select open ground, with 'plenty of stout hares,' as if
+all the estates in the neighbourhood were at his command. Another
+advertised a steeple-chase in the centre of a good hunting
+country--'amateur and gentleman riders'--with a half-crown ordinary at the
+end! Fancy the respectability of a steeple-chase, with a half-crown
+ordinary at the end!
+
+Our 'Aristocratic' was got up on the good-of-the-house principle. Whatever
+benefit the Granddiddle Junction conferred upon the country at large, it
+had a very prejudicial effect upon the Old Duke of Cumberland Hotel and
+Posting House, which it left, high and dry, at an angle sufficiently near
+to be tantalized by the whirr and the whistle of the trains, and yet too
+far off to be benefited by the parties they brought. This once
+well-accustomed hostelry was kept by one Mr. Viney, a former butler in the
+Scattercash family, and who still retained the usual 'old and faithful
+servant' _entrée_ of Nonsuch House, having his beefsteak and bottle of wine
+in the steward's room whenever he chose to call. Viney had done good at the
+Old Duke of Cumberland; and no one, seeing him 'full fig,' would recognize,
+in the solemn grandeur of his stately person, the dirty knife-boy who had
+filled the place now occupied by the still dirtier Slarkey. But the days of
+road travelling departed, and Viney, who, beneath the Grecian-columned
+portico of his country-house-looking hotel, modulated the ovations of his
+cauliflower head to every description of traveller--from the lordly
+occupant of the barouche-and-four, down to the humble sitter in a gig--was
+cut off by one fell swoop from all further traffic. He was extinguished
+like a gaslight, and the pipe was laid on a fresh line.
+
+Fortunately Mr. Viney was pretty warm; he had done pretty well; and having
+enjoyed the intimacy of the great 'Jeames' of railway times, had got a hint
+not to engage the hotel beyond the opening of the line. Consequently, he
+now had the great house for a mere nothing until such times as the owner
+could convert it into that last refuge for deserted houses--an academy, or
+a 'young ladies' seminary.' Mr. Viney now, having plenty of leisure,
+frequently drove his 'missis' (once a lady's maid in a quality family) up
+to Nonsuch House, as well for the sake of the airing--for the road was
+pleasant and picturesque--as to see if he could get the 'little trifle' Sir
+Harry owed him for post-horses, bottles of soda-water, and such trifles as
+country gentlemen run up scores for at their posting-houses--scores that
+seldom get smaller by standing. In these excursions Mr. Viney made the
+acquaintance of Mr. Watchorn; and a huntsman being a character with whom
+even the landlord of an inn--we beg pardon, hotel and posting-house--may
+associate without degradation, Viney and Watchorn became intimate. Watchorn
+sympathized with Viney, and never failed to take a glass in passing, either
+at exercise or out hunting, to deplore that such a nice-looking house, so
+'near the station, too,' should be ruined as an inn. It was after a more
+than usual libation that Watchorn, trotting merrily along with the hounds,
+having accomplished three blank days in succession, asked himself, as he
+looked upon the surrounding vale from the rising ground of Hammercock Hill,
+with the cream-coloured station and the rose-coloured hotel peeping through
+the trees, whether something might not be done to give the latter a lift.
+At first he thought of a pigeon match--a sweepstake open to all
+England--fifty members say, at two pound ten each, seven pigeons, seven
+sparrows, twenty-one yards rise, two ounces of shot, and so on. But then,
+again, he thought there would be a difficulty in getting guns. A coursing
+match--how would that do? Answer: 'No hares.' The farmers had made such an
+outcry about the game, that the landowners had shot them all off, and now
+the farmers were grumbling that they couldn't get a course.
+
+'Dash my buttons!' exclaimed Watchorn; 'it would be the very thing for a
+steeple-chase! There's old Puff's hounds, and old Scamp's hounds, and these
+hounds,' looking down on the ill-sorted lot around him; 'and the deuce is
+in it if we couldn't give the thing such a start as would bring down the
+lads of the "village," and a vast amount of good business might be done.
+I'm dashed if it isn't the very country for a steeple-chase!' continued
+Watchorn, casting his eye over Cloverly Park, round the enclosure of
+Langworth Grange, and up the rising ground of Lark Lodge.
+
+The more Watchorn thought of it, the more he was satisfied of its
+feasibility, and he trotted over, the next day, to the Old Duke of
+Cumberland, to see his friend on the subject. Viney, like most victuallers,
+was more given to games of skill--billiards, shuttlecock, skittles,
+dominoes, and so on--than to the rude out-of-door chances of flood and
+field, and at first he doubted his ability to grapple with the details; but
+on Mr. Watchorn's assurance that he would keep him straight, he gave Mrs.
+Viney a key, desiring her to go into the inner cellar, and bring out a
+bottle of the green seal. This was ninety-shilling sherry--very good stuff
+to take; and, by the time they got into the second bottle, they had got
+into the middle of the scheme too. Viney was cautious and thoughtful. He
+had a high opinion of Watchorn's sagacity, and so long as Watchorn confined
+himself to weights, and stakes, and forfeits, and so on, he was content to
+leave himself in the hands of the huntsman; but when Watchorn came to talk
+of 'stewards,' putting this person and that together, Viney's experience
+came in aid. Viney knew a good deal. He had not stood twisting a napkin
+negligently before a plate-loaded sideboard without picking up a good many
+waifs and strays in the shape of those ins and outs, those likings and
+dislikings, those hatreds and jealousies, that foolish people let fall so
+freely before servants, as if for all the world the servants were
+sideboards themselves; and he had kept up his stock of service-gained
+knowledge by a liberal, though not a dignity-compromising intercourse--for
+there is no greater aristocrat than your out-of-livery servant--among the
+upper servants of all the families in the neighbourhood, so that he knew to
+a nicety who would pull together, and who wouldn't, whose name it would not
+do to mention to this person, and who it would not do to apply to before
+that.
+
+Neither Watchorn nor Viney being sportsmen, they thought they had nothing
+to do but apply to two friends who were; and after thinking over who hunted
+in couples, they were unfortunate enough to select our Flat Hat friends,
+Fyle and Fossick. Fyle was indignant beyond measure at being asked to be
+steward to a steeple-chase, and thrust the application into the fire; while
+Fossick just wrote below, 'I'll see you hanged first,' and sent it back
+without putting even a fresh head on the envelope. Nothing daunted,
+however, they returned to the charge, and without troubling the reader with
+unnecessary detail, we think it will be generally admitted that they at
+length made an excellent selection in Mr. Puffington, Guano, and Tom
+Washball.
+
+[Illustration: MR. VINEY AND MR. WATCHORN GETTING UP 'THE GRAND
+ARISTOCRATIC']
+
+Fortune favoured them also in getting a locality to run in, for Timothy
+Scourgefield, of Broom Hill, whose farm commanded a good circular three
+miles of country, with every variety of obstacle, having thrown up his
+lease for a thirty-per-cent reduction--a giving up that had been most
+unhandsomely accepted by his landlord--Timothy was most anxious to pay him
+off by doing every conceivable injury to the farm, than which nothing can
+be more promising than having a steeple-chase run over it. Scourgefield,
+therefore, readily agreed to let Viney and Watchorn do whatever they liked,
+on condition that he received entrance-money at the gate.
+
+The name occupied their attention some time, for it did not begin as the
+'Aristocratic.' The 'Great National,' the 'Grand Naval and Military,' the
+'Sports-man,' the 'Talli-ho,' the 'Out-and-Outer,' the 'Swell,' were all
+considered and canvassed, and its being called the 'Aristocratic' at length
+turned upon whether they got Lord Scamperdale to subscribe or not. This was
+accomplished by a deferential call by Mr. Viney upon Mr. Spraggon, with a
+little bill for three pound odd, which he presented, with the most urgent
+request that Jack wouldn't think of it then--any time that was most
+convenient to Mr. Spraggon--and then the introduction of the neatly-headed
+sheet-list. It was lucky that Viney was so easily satisfied, for poor Jack
+had only thirty shillings, of which he owed his washerwoman eight, and he
+was very glad to stuff Viney's bill into his stunner jacket-pocket, and
+apply himself exclusively to the contemplated steeple-chase.
+
+Like most of us, Jack had no objection to make a little money; and as he
+squinted his frightful eyes inside out at the paper, he thought over what
+horses they had in the stable that were like the thing; and then he sounded
+Viney as to whether he would put him one up for nothing, if he could induce
+his lordship to send. This, of course, Viney readily assented to, and again
+requesting Jack not to _think_ of his little bill till it was _perfectly_
+convenient to him--a favour that Jack was pretty sure to accord him--Mr.
+Viney took his departure, Jack undertaking to write him the result. The
+next day's post brought Viney the document--unpaid, of course--with a great
+'Scamperdale' scrawled across the top; and forthwith it was decided that
+the steeple-chase should be called the 'Grand Aristocratic.' Other names
+quickly followed, and it soon assumed an importance. Advertisements
+appeared in all the sporting and would-be sporting papers, headed with the
+imposing names of the stewards, secretary, and clerk of the course, Mr.
+Viney. The 'Grand Aristocratic Stakes,' of 20 sovs. each, half-forfeit, and
+£5 only if declared, &c. The winner to give two dozen of champagne to the
+ordinary, and the second horse to save his stake. Gentlemen riders (titled
+ones to be allowed 3 lb.). Over about three miles of fine hunting country,
+under the usual steeple-chase conditions.
+
+Then the game of the 'Peeping Toms,' and 'Sly Sams,' and 'Infallible Joes,'
+and 'Wideawake Jems,' with their tips and distribution of prints began; Tom
+counselling his numerous and daily increasing clients to get well on to No.
+9, Sardanapalus (the Bart., as Watchorn called him), while 'Infallible Joe'
+recommended his friends and patrons to be sweet on No. 6 (Hercules), and
+'Wide-awake Jem' was all for something else. A gentleman who took the
+trouble of getting tips from half a dozen of them, found that no two of
+them agreed in any particular. What information to make books upon!
+
+'But what good,' as our excellent friend Thackeray eloquently asks, 'ever
+came out of, or went into, a betting book? If I could be CALIPH
+OMAR for a week,' says he, 'I would pitch every one of those
+despicable manuscripts into the flames; from my-lord's, who is "in" with
+Jack Snaffle's stable, and is overreaching worse-informed rogues, and
+swindling greenhorns, down to Sam's, the butcher's boy, who books
+eighteen-penny odds in the tap-room, and stands to win five-and-twenty
+bob.' We say ditto to that, and are not sure that we wouldn't hang a 'leg'
+or a 'list' man or two into the bargain.
+
+Watchorn had a prophet of his own, one Enoch Wriggle, who, having tried his
+hand unsuccessfully first at tailoring, next as an accountant, then in the
+watercress, afterwards in the buy ''at-box, bonnet-box,' and lastly in the
+stale lobster and periwinkle line, had set up as an oracle on turf matters,
+forwarding the most accurate and infallible information to flats in
+exchange for half-crowns, heading his advertisements, 'If it be a sin to
+covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive!' Enoch did a considerable
+stroke of business, and couched his advice in such dubious terms, as
+generally to be able to claim a victory whichever way the thing went. So
+the 'offending soul' prospered; and from scarcely having shoes to his feet,
+he very soon set up a gig.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVIII
+
+HOW THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC' CAME OFF
+
+
+Steeple-chases are generally crude, ill-arranged things. Few sportsmen will
+act as stewards a second time; while the victim to the popular delusion of
+patronizing our 'national sports' considers--like gentlemen who have served
+the office of sheriff, or church-warden--that once in a lifetime is enough;
+hence, there is always the air of amateur actorship about them. There is
+always something wanting or forgotten. Either they forget the ropes, or
+they forget the scales, or they forget the weights, or they forget the
+bell, or--more commonly still--some of the parties forget themselves.
+Farmers, too, are easily satisfied with the benefits of an irresponsible
+mob careering over their farms, even though some of them are attired in the
+miscellaneous garb of hunting and racing costume. Indeed, it is just this
+mixture of two sports that spoils both; steeple-chasing being neither
+hunting nor racing. It has not the wild excitement of the one, nor the
+accurate calculating qualities of the other. The very horses have a
+peculiar air about them--neither hunters nor hacks, nor yet exactly
+race-horses. Some of them, doubtless, are fine, good-looking,
+well-conditioned animals; but the majority are lean, lathy, sunken-eyed,
+woe-begone, iron-marked, desperately-abused brutes, lacking all the lively
+energy that characterizes the movements of the up-to-the-mark hunter. In
+the early days of steeple-chasing a popular fiction existed that the horses
+were hunters; and grooms and fellows used to come nicking and grinning up
+to masters of hounds at checks and critical times, requesting them to note
+that they were out, in order to ask for certificates of the horses having
+been 'regularly hunted'--a species of regularity than which nothing could
+be more irregular. That nuisance, thank goodness, is abated. A
+steeple-chaser now generally stands on his own merits; a change for which
+sportsmen may be thankful.
+
+But to our story.
+
+The whole country was in a commotion about this 'Aristocratic'. The
+unsophisticated looked upon it as a grand _réunion_ of the aristocracy; and
+smart bonnets and cloaks, and jackets and parasols were ordered with the
+liberality incident to a distant view of Christmas. As Viney sipped his
+sherry-cobler of an evening, he laughed at the idea of a
+son-of-a-day-labourer like himself raising such a dust. Letters came
+pouring in to the clerk of the course from all quarters; some asking about
+beds; some about breakfasts; some about stakes; some about stables; some
+about this thing, some about that. Every room in the Old Duke of Cumberland
+was speedily bespoke. Post-horses rose in price, and Dobbin and Smiler, and
+Jumper and Cappy, and Jessy and Tumbler were jobbed from the neighbouring
+farmers, and converted for the occasion into posters. At last came the
+great and important day--day big with the fate of thousands of pounds; for
+the betting-list vermin had been plying their trade briskly throughout the
+kingdom, and all sorts of rumours had been raised relative to the qualities
+and conditions of the horses.
+
+Who doesn't know the chilling feel of an English spring, or rather of a day
+at the turn of the year before there is any spring? Our gala-day was a
+perfect specimen of the order--a white frost succeeded by a bright sun,
+with an east wind, warming one side of the face and starving the other. It
+was neither a day for fishing, nor hunting, nor coursing, nor anything but
+farming. The country, save where there were a few lingering patches of
+turnips, was all one dingy drab, with abundant scalds on the undrained
+fallows. The grass was more like hemp than anything else. The very rushes
+were yellow and sickly.
+
+Long before midday the whole country was in commotion. The same sort of
+people commingled that one would expect to see if there was a balloon to go
+up, and a man to go down, or be hung at the same place. Fine ladies in all
+the colours of the rainbow; and swarthy, beady-eyed dames, with their
+stalwart, big-calved, basket-carrying comrades; gentle young people from
+behind the counter; Dandy Candy merchants from behind the hedge;
+rough-coated dandies with their silver-mounted whips; and Shaggyford
+roughs, in their baggy, poacher-like coats, and formidable clubs; carriages
+and four, and carriages and pairs; and gigs and dog-carts, and
+Whitechapels, and Newport Pagnels, and long carts, and short carts, and
+donkey carts, converged from all quarters upon the point of attraction at
+Broom Hill.
+
+If Farmer Scourgefield had made a mob, he could not have got one that would
+be more likely to do damage to his farm than this steeple-chase one. Nor
+was the assemblage confined to the people of the country, for the
+Granddiddle Junction, by its connection with the great network of railways,
+enabled all patrons of this truly national sport to sweep down upon the
+spot like flocks of wolves; and train after train disgorged a generous
+mixture of sharps and flats, commingling with coatless, baggy-breeched
+vagabonds, the emissaries most likely of the Peeping Toms and Infallible
+Joes, if not the worthies themselves.
+
+'Dear, but it's a noble sight!' exclaimed Viney to Watchorn as they sat on
+their horses, below a rickety green-baize-covered scaffold, labelled,
+'GRAND STAND; admission, Two-and-sixpence,' raised against Scourgefield's
+stack-yard wall, eyeing the population pouring in from all parts. 'Dear,
+but it's a noble sight!' said he, shading the sun from his eyes, and
+endeavouring to identify the different vehicles in the distance. 'Yonder's
+the 'bus comin' again,' said he, looking towards the station, 'loaded like
+a market-gardener's turnip-waggon. That'll pay,' added he, with a knowing
+leer at the landlord of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. 'And who have we
+here, with the four horses and sky-blue flunkeys? Jawleyford, as I live!'
+added he, answering himself; adding, 'The beggar had better pay me what he
+owes.'
+
+How great Mr. Viney was! Some people, who have never had anything to do
+with horses, think it incumbent upon them, when they have, to sport
+top-boots, and accordingly, for the first time in his life, Viney appears
+in a pair of remarkably hard, tight, country-made boots, above which are a
+pair of baggy white cords, with the dirty finger-marks of the tailor still
+upon them. He sports a single-breasted green cutaway coat, with
+basket-buttons, a black satin roll-collared waistcoat, and a new white silk
+hat, that shines in the bright sun like a fish-kettle. His blue-striped
+kerchief is secured by a butterfly brooch. Who ever saw an innkeeper that
+could resist a brooch?
+
+He is riding a miserable rat of a badly clipped, mouse-coloured pony that
+looks like a velocipede under him.
+
+His companion, Mr. Watchorn, is very great, and hardly condescends to know
+the country people who claim his acquaintance as a huntsman. He is a Hotel
+Keeper--master of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. Enoch Wriggle stands
+beside them, dressed in the imposing style of a cockney sportsman. He has
+been puffing 'Sir Danapalus (the Bart.)' in public, and taking all the odds
+he can get against him in private. Watchorn knows that it is easier to make
+a horse lose than win. The restless-looking, lynx-eyed caitiff, in the
+dirty green shawl, with his hands stuffed into the front pockets of the
+brown tarriar coat, is their jockey, the renowned Captain Hangallows; he
+answers to the name of Sam Slick in Mr. Spavin the horse-dealer's yard in
+Oxford Street, when not in the country on similar excursions to the
+present. And now in the throng on the principal line are two conspicuous
+horses--a piebald and a white--carrying Mr. Sponge and Lucy Glitters. Lucy
+appears as she did on the frosty-day hunt, glowing with health and beauty,
+and rather straining the seams of Lady Scattercash's habit with the
+additional _embonpoint_ she has acquired by early hours in the country. She
+has made Mr. Sponge a white silk jacket to ride in, which he has on under
+his grey tarriar coat, and a cap of the same colour is in his hard hat. He
+has discarded the gosling-green cords for cream-coloured leathers, and, to
+please Lucy, has actually substituted a pair of rose-tinted tops for the
+'hogany bouts'. Altogether he is a great swell, and very like the
+bridegroom.
+
+But hark--what a crash! The leaders of Sir Harry Scattercash's drag start
+at a blind fiddler's dog stationed at the gate leading into the fields, a
+wheel catches the post, and in an instant the sham captains are scattered
+about the road: Bouncey on his head, Seedeyhuck across the wheelers, Quod
+on his back, and Sir Harry astride the gate. Meanwhile, the old fiddler,
+regardless of the shouts of the men and the shrieks of the ladies, scrapes
+away with the appropriate tune of 'The Devil among the Tailors!' A rush to
+the horses' heads arrests further mischief, the dislodged captains are at
+length righted, the nerves of the ladies composed, and Sir Harry once more
+essays to drive them up the hill to the stand. That feat being
+accomplished, then came the unloading, and consternation, and huddling of
+the tight-laced occupants at the idea of these female _women_ coming
+amongst them, and the usual peeping and spying, and eyeing of the
+'_creatures_.' 'What impudence!' 'Well, I think!' ''Pon my word!' 'What
+next!'--exclamations that were pretty well lost upon the fair objects of
+them amid the noise and flutter and confusion of the scene. But hark again!
+What's up now?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Hooray!' 'hooray!' 'h-o-o-o-ray!' 'Three cheers for the Squire!
+H-o-o-o-ray!' Old Puff as we live! The 'amazin' instance of a pop'lar man'
+greeted by the Swillingford snobs. The old frost-bitten dandy is flattered
+by the cheers, and bows condescendingly ere he alights from the
+well-appointed mail phaeton. See how graciously the ladies receive him, as,
+having ascended the stairs, he appears among them. 'A man is never too old
+to marry' is their maxim.
+
+The cry is still, 'They come! they come!' See at a hand-gallop, with his
+bay pony in a white lather, rides Pacey, grinning from ear to ear, with his
+red-backed betting-book peeping out of the breast pocket of his brown
+cutaway. He is staring and gaping to see who is looking at him.
+
+Pacey has made such a book as none but a wooden-headed boy like himself
+could make. He has been surfeited with tips. Peeping Tom had advised him to
+back Daddy Longlegs; and, _nullus error_, Sneaking Joe has counselled him
+that the 'Baronet' will be 'California without cholera, and gold without
+danger'; while Jemmy something, the jockey, who advertises that his 'tongue
+is not for falsehood framed,' though we should think it was framed for
+nothing else, has urged him to back Parvo to half the amount of the
+national debt.
+
+Altogether, Pacey has made such a mess that he cannot possibly win, and may
+lose almost any sum from a thousand pounds down to a hundred and eighty.
+Mr. Sponge has got well on with him, through the medium of Jack Spraggon.
+
+Pacey is now going to what he calls 'compare'--see that he has got his bets
+booked right; and, throwing his right leg over his cob's neck, he blobs on
+to the ground; and, leaving the pony to take care of itself, disappears in
+the crowd.
+
+What a hubbub! what roarings, and shoutings, and recognizings! 'Bless my
+heart! who'd have thought of seeing you?' and, 'By jingo! what's sent _you_
+here?'
+
+'My dear Waffles,' cries Jawleyford, rushing up to our Laverick Wells
+friend (who is looking very debauched), 'I'm overjoyed to see you. Do come
+upstairs and see Mrs. Jawleyford and the dear girls. It was only last
+night we were talking about you.' And so Jawleyford hurries Mr. Waffles
+off, just as Waffles is _in extremis_ about his horse.
+
+Looking around the scene there seems to be everybody that we have had the
+pleasure of introducing to the reader in the course of Mr. Sponge's Tour.
+Mr. and Mrs. Springwheat in their dog-cart, Mrs. Springey's figure looking
+as though 'wheat had got above forty, my lord'; old Jog and his handsome
+wife in the ugly old phaeton, well garnished with children, and a couple of
+sticks in the rough peeping out of the apron, Gustavus James held up in his
+mother's arms, with the curly blue feather nodding over his nose. There is
+also Farmer Peastraw, and faces that a patient inspection enables us to
+appropriate to Dribble, and Hook, and Capon, and Calcot, and Lumpleg, and
+Crane of Crane Hall, and Charley Slapp of red-coat times--people look so
+different in plain clothes to what they do in hunting ones. Here, too, is
+George Cheek, running down with perspiration, having run over from Dr.
+Latherington's, for which he will most likely 'catch it' when he gets back;
+and oh, wonder of wonders, here's Robert Foozle himself!
+
+'Well, Robert, you've come to the steeple-chase?'
+
+'Yes, I've come to the steeple-chase.'
+
+'Are you fond of steeple-chases?'
+
+'Yes, I'm fond of steeple-chases.'
+
+'I dare say you never were at one before,' observes his mother.
+
+'No, I never was at one before,' replies Robert.
+
+And though last not least, here's Facey Romford, with his arm in a sling,
+on Mr. Hobler, come to look after that sivin-p'und-ten, which we wish he
+may get.
+
+Hark! there's a row below the stand, and Viney is seen in a state of
+excitement inquiring for Mr. Washball. Pacey has objected to a gentleman
+rider, and Guano and Puffington have differed on the point. A nice, slim,
+well-put-on lad (Buckram's rough rider) has come to the scales and claimed
+to be allowed 3 lb. as the Honourable Captain Boville. Finding the point
+questioned, he abandons the 'handle', and sinks into plain Captain Boville.
+Pacey now objects to him altogether. 'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir; s-c-e-u-s-e me,
+sir,' simpers our friend Dick Bragg, sidling up to the objector with a sort
+of tendency of his turn-back-wristed hand to his hat. 'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir;
+s-c-e-u-s-e me,' repeats he, 'but I think you was wrong, sir, in objecting
+to Captain Boville, sir, as a gen'l'man rider, sir.'
+
+'Why?' demands Pacey, in the full flush of victory.
+
+'Oh, sir--because, sir--in fact, sir--he _is_ a gen'l'man, sir.'
+
+'_Is_ a gentleman! How do _you_ know?' demands Pacey, in the same tone as
+before.
+
+'Oh, sir, he's a gen'l'man--an undoubted gen'l'man. Everything about him
+shows that. Does nothing--breeches by Anderson--boots by Bartley; besides
+which, he drinks wine every day, and has a whole box of cigars in his
+bedroom. But don't take my word for it, pray,' continued Bragg, seeing
+Pacey was wavering; 'don't take my word for it, pray. There's a gen'l'man,
+a countryman of his, somewhere about,' added he, looking anxiously into the
+surrounding crowd--there's a gen'l'man, a countryman of his, somewhere
+about, if we could but find him,' Bragg standing on his tiptoes, and
+exclaiming, 'Mr. Buckram! Mr. Buckram! Has anybody seen anything of Mr.
+Buckram!'
+
+'Here!' replied a meek voice from behind; upon which there was an elbowing
+through the crowd, and presently a most respectable, rosy-gilled,
+grey-haired, hawbuck-looking man, attired in a new brown cutaway, with
+bright buttons and a velvet collar, with a buff waistcoat, came twirling an
+ash-stick in one hand, and fumbling the silver in his drab trousers' pocket
+with the other, in front of the bystanders.
+
+'Oh! 'ere he is!' exclaimed Bragg, appealing to the stranger with a hasty
+'_You_ know Captain Boville, don't you?'
+
+'Why, now, as to the matter of that,' replied the gentleman, gathering all
+the loose silver up into his hand and speaking very slowly, just as a
+country gentleman, who has all the live-long day to do nothing in, may be
+supposed to speak--' Why, now, as to the matter of that,' said he, eyeing
+Pacey intently, and beginning to drop the silver slowly as he spoke, 'I
+can't say that I've any very 'ticklar 'quaintance with the captin. I knows
+him, in course, just as one knows a neighbour's son. The captin's a good
+deal younger nor me,' continued he, raising his new eight-and-sixpenny
+Parisian, as if to show his sandy grey hair. 'I'm a'most sixty; and he, I
+dare say, is little more nor twenty,' dropping a half-crown as he said it.
+'But the captin's a nice young gent--a nice young gent, without any
+blandishment, I should say; and that's more nor one can say of all young
+gents nowadays,' said Buckram, looking at Pacey as he spoke, and dropping
+two consecutive half-crowns.
+
+'Why, but you live near him, don't you?' interrupted Bragg.
+
+'Near him,' repeated Buckram, feeling his well-shaven chin thoughtfully.
+'Why, yes--that's to say, near his dad. The fact is,' continued he, 'I've a
+little independence of my own,' dropping a heavy five-shilling piece as he
+said it,' and his father--old Bo, as I call him--adjoins me; and if either
+of us 'appen to have a _battue_, or a 'aunch of wenzun, and a few friends,
+we inwite each other, and wicey wersey, you know,' letting off a lot of
+shillings and sixpences. And just at the moment the blind fiddler struck up
+'The Devil among the Tailors,' when the shouts and laughter of the mob
+closed the scene.
+
+And now gentlemen, who heretofore have shown no more of the jockey than
+Cinderella's feet in the early part of the pantomime disclose of her ball
+attire, suddenly cast off the pea-jackets and bearskin wraps, and shawls
+and overcoats of winter, and shine forth in all the silken flutter of
+summer heat.
+
+We know of no more humiliating sight than misshapen gentlemen playing at
+jockeys. Playing at soldiers is bad enough, but playing at jockeys is
+infinitely worse--above all, playing at steeple-chase jockeys, combining,
+as they generally do, all the worst features of the hunting-field and
+racecourse--unsympathizing boots and breeches, dirty jackets that never
+fit, and caps that won't keep on. What a farce to see the great bulky
+fellows go to scale with their saddles strapped to their backs, as if to
+illustrate the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding
+plate!
+
+But the weighed-in ones are mounting. See, there's Jack Spraggon getting a
+hoist on to Daddy Longlegs! Did ever mortal see such a man for a jockey? He
+has cut off the laps of a stunner tartan jacket, and looks like a great
+backgammon-board. He has got his head into an old gold-banded military
+foraging-cap, which comes down almost on to the rims of his great
+tortoise-shell spectacles. Lord Scamperdale stands with his hand on the
+horse's mane, talking earnestly to Jack, doubtless giving him his final
+instructions. Other jockeys emerge from various parts of the
+farm-buildings; some out of stables; some out of cow-houses; others from
+beneath cart-sheds. The scene becomes enlivened with the varied colours of
+the riders--red, yellow, green, blue, violet, and stripes without end. Then
+comes the usual difficulty of identifying the parties, many of whose
+mothers wouldn't know them.
+
+'That's Captain Tongs,' observes Miss Simperley, 'in the blue. I remember
+dancing with him at Bath, and he did nothing but talk about
+steeple-chasing.'
+
+'And who's that in yellow?' asks Miss Hardy.
+
+'That's Captain Gander,' replies the gentleman on her left.
+
+'Well, I think he'll win,' replies the lady.
+
+'I'll bet you a pair of gloves he doesn't,' snaps Miss Moore, who fancies
+Captain Pusher, in the pink.
+
+'What a squat little jockey!' exclaims Miss Hamilton, as a little dumpling
+of a man in Lincoln green is led past the stand on a fine bay horse, some
+one recognizing the rider as our old friend Caingey Thornton.
+
+'And look who comes here?' whispers Miss Jawleyford to her sister, as Mr.
+Sponge, having accomplished a mount without derangement of temper, rides
+Hercules quietly past the stand, his whip-hand resting on his thigh, and
+his head turned to his fair companion on the white.
+
+'Oh, the wretch!' sneers Miss Amelia; and the fair sisters look at Lucy and
+then at him with the utmost disgust.
+
+Mr. Sponge may now be doubled up by half a dozen falls ere either of them
+would suggest the propriety of having him bled.
+
+Lucy's cheeks are rather blanched with the 'pale cast of thought,' for she
+is not sufficiently initiated in the mysteries of steeple-chasing to know
+that it is often quite as good for a man to lose as to win, which it had
+just been quietly arranged between Sponge and Buckram should be the case on
+this occasion, Buckram having got uncommonly 'well on' to the losing tune.
+Perhaps, however, Lucy was thinking of the peril, not the profit of the
+thing.
+
+The young ladies on the stand eye her with mingled feelings of pity and
+disdain, while the elderly ones shake their heads, call her a bold
+hussy--declare she's not so pretty--adding that they 'wouldn't have come if
+they'd known,' &c. &c.
+
+But it is half-past two (an hour and a half after time), and there is at
+last a disposition evinced by some of the parties to go to the post.
+Broad-backed parti-coloured jockeys are seen converging that way, and the
+betting-men close in, getting more and more clamorous for odds. What a
+hubbub! How they bellow! How they roar! A universal deafness seems to have
+come over the whole of them. 'Seven to one 'gain the Bart.!' screams
+one--'I'll take eight!' roars another. 'Five to one agen Herc'les!' cries a
+third--'Done!' roars a fourth. 'Twice over!' rejoins the other--'Done!'
+replies the taker. 'Ar'll take five to one agin the Daddy!'--'I'll lay
+six!' 'What'll any one lay 'gin Parvo?' And so they raise such an uproar
+that the squeak, squeak, squeak of the
+
+    'Devil among the tailors'
+
+is hardly heard.
+
+Then, in a partial lull, the voice of Lord Scamperdale rises, exclaiming,
+'Oh, you hideous Hobgoblin, bull-and-mouth of a boy! you think, because I'm
+a lord, and can't swear, or use coarse language--' And again the hubbub,
+led on by the
+
+    'Devil among the tailors,'
+
+drowns the exclamations of the speaker. It's that Pacey again; he's
+accusing the virtuous Mr. Spraggon of handing his extra weight to Lord
+Scamperdale; and Jack, in the full consciousness of injured guilt,
+intimates that the blood of the Spraggons won't stand that--that there's
+'only _one_ way of settling it, and he'll be ready for Pacey half an hour
+after the race.'
+
+At length the horses are all out--one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
+eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen--fifteen of
+them, moving about in all directions: some taking an up-gallop, others a
+down; some a spicy trot, others walking to and fro; while one has still his
+muzzle on, lest he should unship his rider and eat him; and another's groom
+follows, imploring the mob to keep off his heels if they don't want their
+heads in their hands. The noisy bell at length summons the scattered forces
+to the post, and the variegated riders form into as good a line as
+circumstances will allow. Just as Mr. Sponge turns his horse's head Lucy
+hands him her little silver sherry-flask, which our friend drains to the
+dregs. As he returns it, with a warm pressure of her soft hand, a pent-up
+flood of tears burst their bounds, and suffuse her lustrous eyes. She turns
+away to hide her emotion; at the same instant a wild shout rends the
+air--'W-h-i-r-r! They're off!'
+
+Thirteen get away, one turns tail, and our friend in the Lincoln green is
+left performing a _pas seul_, asking the rearing horse, with an oath, if he
+thinks 'he stole him'? while the mob shout and roar; and one wicked wag, in
+coaching parlance, advises him to pay the difference, and get inside.
+
+But what a display of horsemanship is exhibited by the flyers! Tongs comes
+off at the first fence, the horse making straight for a pond, while the
+rest rattle on in a mass. The second fence is small, but there's a ditch on
+the far side, and Pusher and Gander severally measure their lengths on the
+rushy pasture beyond. Still there are ten left, and nobody ever reckoned
+upon these getting to the far end.
+
+'Master wins, for a 'undr'd!' exclaims Leather, as, getting into the third
+field, Mr. Sponge takes a decided lead; and Lucy, encouraged by the sound,
+looks up, and sees her 'white jacket' throwing the dry fallow in the faces
+of the field.
+
+'Oh, how I hope he will!' exclaims she, clasping her hands, with upturned
+eyes; but when she ventures on another look, she sees old Spraggon drawing
+upon him, Hangallows's flaming red jacket not far off, and several others
+nearer than she liked. Still the tail was beginning to form. Another fence,
+and that a big one, draws it out. A striped jacket is down, and the horse,
+after a vain effort to rise, sinks lifeless on the ground. On they go all
+the same!
+
+Loud yells of exciting betting burst from the spectators, and Buckram gets
+well on for the cross.
+
+There are now five in front--Sponge, Spraggon, Hangallows, Boville, and
+another; and already the pace begins to tell. It wasn't possible to run it
+at the rate they started. Spraggon makes a desperate effort to get the
+lead; and Sponge, seeing Boville handy, pulls his horse, and lets the
+light-weight make play over a rough, heavy fallow with the chestnut. Jack
+spurs and flogs, and grins and foams at the mouth. Thus they get half round
+the oval course. They are now directly in front of the hill, and the
+spectators gaze with intense anxiety;--now vociferating the name of this
+horse, now of that; now shouting 'Red jacket!' now 'White!' while the blind
+fiddler perseveres with the old melody of--'The Devil among the Tailors.'
+
+'Now they come to the brook!' exclaims Leather, who has been over the
+ground; and as he speaks, Lucy distinctly sees Mr. Sponge's gather an
+effort to clear it; and--oh, horror!--the horse falls--he's down--no, he's
+up!--and her lover's in his seat again; and she flatters herself it was her
+sherry that saved him. Splash!--a horse and rider duck under; three get
+over; two go in; now another clears it, and the rest turn tail.
+
+What splashing and screaming, and whipping and spurring, and how hopeless
+the chance of any of them to recover their lost ground. The race is now
+clearly between five. Now for the wall! It's five feet high, built of heavy
+blocks, and strong in the staked-out part. As he nears it, Jack sits well
+back, getting Daddy Longlegs well by the head, and giving him a refresher
+with the whip. It is Jack's last move! His horse comes, neck and croup
+over, rolling Jack up like a ball of worsted on the far side. At the same
+moment, Multum in Parvo goes at it full tilt; and, not rising an inch,
+sends Captain Boville flying one way, his saddle another, himself a third,
+and the stones all ways. Mr. Sponge then slips through, closely followed by
+Hangallows and a jockey in yellow, with a tail of three after them. They
+then put on all the steam they can raise over the twenty-acre pasture that
+follows.
+
+The white!--the red!--the yaller! The red!--the white!--the yaller! and
+anybody's race! A sheet would cover them!--crack! whack! crack! how they
+flog! Hercules springs at the sound.
+
+Many of the excited spectators begin hallooing, and straddling, and working
+their arms as if their gestures and vociferations would assist the race.
+Lord Scamperdale stands transfixed. He is staring through his silver
+spectacles at the awkwardly lying ball that represents poor Spraggon.
+
+'By Heavens!' exclaims he, in an undertone to himself, 'I believe he's
+killed!' And thereupon he swung down the stand-stairs, rushed to his horse,
+and, clapping spurs to his sides, struck across the country to the spot.
+
+Long before he got there the increased uproar of the spectators announced
+the final struggle; and looking over his shoulder, he saw white jacket
+hugging his horse home, closely followed by red, and shooting past the
+winning-post.
+
+'Dash that Mr. Sponge!' growled his lordship, as the cheers of the winners
+closed the scene.
+
+'The brute's won, in spite of him!' gasped Buckram, turning deadly pale at
+the sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIX
+
+HOW OTHER THINGS CAME OFF
+
+
+'Twere hard to say whether Lucy's joy at Sponge's safety, or Lord
+Scamperdale's grief at poor Spraggon's death, was most overpowering. Each
+found relief in a copious flood of tears. Lucy sobbed and laughed, and
+sobbed and laughed again; and seemed as if her little heart would burst its
+bounds. The mob, ever open to sentiment--especially the sentiment of
+beauty--cheered and shouted as she rode with her lover from the winning to
+the weighing-post.
+
+'A', she's a bonny un!' exclaimed a countryman, looking intently up in her
+face.
+
+'She is that!' cried another, doing the same.
+
+'Three cheers for the lady!' shouted a tall Shaggyford rough, taking off
+his woolly cap, and waving it.
+
+'Hoo-ray! hoo-ray! hoo-ray!' shouted a group of flannel-clad navvies.
+
+'Three for white jacket!' then roared a blue-coated butcher, who had won as
+many half-crowns on the race.--Three cheers were given for the unwilling
+winner.
+
+'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself off his
+horse, and wringing his hands in despair, as a select party of
+thimble-riggers, who had gone to Jack's assistance, raised him up, and
+turned his ghastly face, with his eyes squinting inside out, and the foam
+still on his mouth, full upon him. 'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' repeated his
+lordship, sinking on his knees beside him, and grasping his stiffening hand
+as he spoke. His lordship sank overpowered upon the body.
+
+The thimble-riggers then availed themselves of the opportunity to ease his
+lordship and Jack of their watches and the few shillings they had about
+them, and departed.
+
+When a lord is in distress, consolation is never long in coming; and Lord
+Scamperdale had hardly got over the first paroxysms of grief, and gathered
+up Jack's cap, and the fragments of his spectacles, ere Jawleyford, who
+had noticed his abrupt departure from the stand and scurry across the
+country, arrived at the spot. His lordship was still in the full agony of
+woe; still grasping and bedewing Jack's cold hand with his tears.
+
+'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack! 'sobbed he, as
+he mopped the fast-chasing tears from his grizzly cheeks with a red cotton
+kerchief. 'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack!
+'repeated he, as a fresh flood spread o'er the rugged surface. 'Oh, what a
+tr-reasure, what a tr--tr--trump he was. Shall never get such another.
+Nobody could s--s--lang a fi--fi--field as he could; no hu--hu--humbug
+'bout him--never was su--su--such a fine natural bl--bl--blackguard'; and
+then his feelings wholly choked his utterance as he recollected how easily
+Jack was satisfied; how he could dine off tripe and cow-heel, mop up fat
+porridge for breakfast, and never grumbled at being put on a bad horse.
+
+The news of a man being killed soon reached the hill, and drew the
+attention of the mob from our hero and heroine, causing such a spread of
+population over the farm as must have been highly gratifying to
+Scourgefield, who stood watching the crashing of the fences and the
+demolition of the gates, thinking how he was paying his landlord off.
+
+Seeing the rude, unmannerly character of the mob, Jawleyford got his
+lordship by the arm, and led him away towards the hill, his lordship
+reeling, rather than walking, and indulging in all sorts of wild,
+incoherent cries and lamentations.
+
+'Sing out, Jack! sing out!' he would exclaim, as if in the agony of having
+his hounds ridden over; then, checking himself, he would shake his head and
+say, 'Ah, poor Jack, poor Jack! shall never look upon his like again--shall
+never get such a man to read the riot act, and keep all square.' And then a
+fresh gush of tears suffused his grizzly face.
+
+The minor casualties of those few butchering spasmodic moments may be
+briefly dismissed, though they were more numerous than most sportsmen see
+out hunting in a lifetime.
+
+One horse broke his back, another was drowned, Multum in Parvo was cut all
+to pieces, his rider had two ribs and a thumb broken, while Farmer
+Slyfield's stackyard was fired by some of the itinerant tribe, and all its
+uninsured contents destroyed--so that his landlord was not the only person
+who suffered by the grand occasion.
+
+Nor was this all, for Mr. Numboy, the coroner, hearing of Jack's death,
+held an inquest on the body; and, having empanelled a matter-of-fact
+jury--men who did not see the advantage of steeple-chasing, either in a
+political, commercial, agricultural, or national point of view, and who,
+having surveyed the line, and found nearly every fence dangerous, and the
+wall and brook doubly so, returned a verdict of manslaughter against Mr.
+Viney for setting it out, who was forthwith committed to the county gaol of
+Limbo Castle for trial at the ensuing assizes, from whence let us join the
+benevolent clerk of arraigns in wishing him a good deliverance.
+
+Many of the hardy 'tips' sounded the loud trump of victory, proclaiming
+that their innumerable friends had feathered their nests through their
+agency; but Peeping Tom and Infallible Joe, and Enoch Wriggle, 'the
+offending soul,' &c, found it convenient to bolt from their respective
+establishments, carrying with them their large fire-screens, camp-stools,
+and boards for posting up their lists, and setting up in new names in other
+quarters; while the Hen Angel was shortly afterwards closed, and the
+presentation-tureen made into 'white soup.'
+
+So much for the 'small deer.' We will now devote a concluding chapter to
+the 'great guns' of our story.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXX
+
+HOW LORD SCAMPERDALE AND CO. CAME OFF
+
+
+Our noble master's nerves were so dreadfully shattered by the lamentable
+catastrophe to poor Jack, that he stepped, or rather was pushed, into
+Jawleyford's carriage almost insensibly, and driven from the course to
+Jawleyford Court.
+
+There he remained sufficiently long for Mrs. Jawleyford to persuade him
+that he would be far better married, and that either of her amiable
+daughters would make him a most excellent wife. His lordship, after very
+mature consideration, and many most scrutinizing stares at both of them
+through his formidable spectacles, wondering which would be the least
+likely to ruin him--at length decided upon taking Miss Emily, the youngest,
+though for a long time the victory was doubtful, and Amelia practised her
+'Scamperdale' singing with unabated ardour and confidence up to the last.
+We believe, if the truth were known, it was a slight touch of rouge, that
+Amelia thought would clench the matter, that decided his lordship against
+her. Emily, we are happy to say, makes him an excellent wife, and has not
+got her head turned by becoming a countess. She has improved his lordship
+amazingly, got him smart new clothes, and persuaded him to grow bushy
+whiskers right down under his chin, and is now feeling her way to a pair of
+moustaches.
+
+Woodmansterne is quite another place. She has marshalled a proper
+establishment, and got him coaxed into the long put-a-way company rooms.
+Though he still indulges in his former cow-heel and other delicacies, they
+do not appear upon table; while he sports his silver-mounted specs on all
+occasions. The fruit and venison are freely distributed, and we have come
+in for a haunch in return for our attentions.
+
+Best of all, Lady Scamperdale has got his lordship to erect a handsome
+marble monument to poor Jack, instead of the cheap country stone he
+intended. The inscription states that it was erected by Samuel, Eighth Earl
+of Scamperdale, and Viscount Hardup, in the Peerage of Ireland, to the
+Memory of John Spraggon, Esquire, the best of Sportsmen, and the firmest of
+Friends. Who or what Jack was, nobody ever knew, and as he only left a hat
+and eighteen pence behind him, no next of kin has as yet cast up.
+
+Jawleyford has not stood the honour of the Scamperdale alliance quite so
+well as his daughter; and when our 'amaazin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+instigated perhaps by the desire to have old Scamp for a brother-in-law,
+offered to Amelia, Jaw got throaty and consequential, hemmed and hawed, and
+pretended to be stiff about it. Puff, however, produced such weighty
+testimonials, as soon exercised their wonted influence. In due time Puff
+very magnanimously proposed uniting his pack with Lord Scamperdale's,
+dividing the expense of one establishment between them, to which his
+lordship readily assented, advising Puff to get rid of Bragg by giving him
+the hounds, which he did; and that great sporting luminary may be seen
+'s-c-e-u-s-e'-ing himself, and offering his service to masters of hounds
+any Monday at Tattersall's--though he still prefers a 'quality place.'
+
+Benjamin Buckram, the gentleman with the small independence of his own, we
+are sorry to say has gone to the 'bad.' Aggravated by the loss he sustained
+by his horse winning the steeple-chase, he made an ill-advised onslaught on
+the cash-box of the London and Westminster Bank; and at three score years
+and ten this distinguished 'turfite,' who had participated with impunity in
+nearly all the great robberies of the last forty years, was doomed to
+transportation. And yet we have seen this cracksman captain--for he, too,
+was a captain at times--jostling and bellowing for odds among some of the
+highest and noblest of the land!
+
+Leather has descended to the cab-stand, of which he promises to be a
+distinguished ornament. He haunts the Piccadilly stands, and has what he
+calls ''stablish'd a raw' on Mr. Sponge to the extent of
+three-and-six-pence a week, under threats of exposing the robbery Sponge
+committed on our friend Mr. Waffles. That volatile genius, we are happy to
+add, is quite well, and open to the attentions of any young lady who thinks
+she can tame a wild young man. His financial affairs are not irretrievable.
+
+And now for the hero and heroine of our tale. The Sponges--for our friend
+married Lucy shortly after the steeple-chase--stayed at Nonsuch House until
+the bailiffs walked in. Sir Harry then bolted to Boulogne, where he shortly
+afterwards died, and Bugles very properly married my lady. They are now
+living at Wandsworth; Mr. Bugles and Lady Scattercash, very 'much thought
+of'--as Bugles says.
+
+Although Mr. Sponge did not gain as much by winning the steeple-chase as he
+would have done had Hercules allowed him to lose it, he still did pretty
+well; and being at length starved out of Nonsuch House, he arrived at his
+old quarters, the Bantam, in Bond Street, where he turned his attention
+very seriously to providing for Lucy and the little Sponge, who had now
+issued its prospectus. He thought over all the ways and means of making
+money without capital, rejecting Australia and California as unfit for
+sportsmen and men fond of their _Moggs_. Professional steeple-chasing Lucy
+decried, declaring she would rather return to her flag-exercises at
+Astley's, as soon as she was able, than have her dear Sponge risking his
+neck that way. Our friend at length began to fear fortune-making was not so
+easy as he thought--indeed, he was soon sure of it.
+
+One day as he was staring vacantly out of the Bantam coffee-room window,
+between the gilt labels, 'Hot Soups' and 'Dinners,' he was suddenly seized
+with a fit of virtuous indignation at the disreputable frauds practised by
+unprincipled adventurers on the unwary public, in the way of betting
+offices, and resolved that he would be the St. George to slay this great
+dragon of abuse. Accordingly, after due consultation with Lucy, he invested
+his all in fitting up and decorating the splendid establishment in Jermyn
+Street, St. James's, now known as the SPONGE AND CIGAR BETTING ROOMS, whose
+richness neither pen nor pencil can do justice to.
+
+We must, therefore, entreat our readers to visit this emporium of honesty,
+where, in addition to finding lists posted on all the great events of the
+day, they can have the use of a _Mogg_ while they indulge in one of Lucy's
+unrivalled cigars; and noblemen, gentlemen, and officers in the household
+troops may be accommodated with loans on their personal security to any
+amount. We see by Mr. Sponge's last advertisements that he has £116,300 to
+lend at three and a half per cent.!
+
+'What a farce,' we fancy we hear some enterprising youngster
+exclaim--'what a farce, to suppose that such a needy scamp as Mr. Sponge,
+who has been cheating everybody, has any money to lend, or to pay bets with
+if he loses!' Right, young gentleman, right; but not a bit greater farce
+than to suppose that any of the plausible money-lenders, or infallible
+'tips' with whom you, perhaps, have had connection have any either, in case
+it's called for. Nay, bad as he is, we'll back old Soapey to be better than
+any of them,--with which encomium we most heartily bid him ADIEU.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] Query, 'snob'?--Printer's Devil.
+
+[2] The Poetical Recorder of the Doings of the Dublin Garrison dogs, in
+_Bell's Life_.
+
+[3] _Vide_ 'Barnwell and Alderson's Reports.'
+
+[4] 'S,' for Scamperdale, showing they were his lordship's.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour
+
+Author: R. S. Surtees
+
+Release Date: October 28, 2005 [EBook #16957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. SPONGE'S SPORTING TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Michael Ciesielski, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<p><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a></p>
+<h1>Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour.</h1>
+
+
+<h2>R.S. Surtees</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/front.jpg" width="400" height="388" alt="Mr. Sponge completely scatters his Lordship" title="" />
+<span class="caption">Mr. Sponge completely scatters his Lordship</span>
+</div><p><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a></p>
+
+
+<h3>TO</h3>
+
+<h3>THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD ELCHO,</h3>
+
+<h3>IN GRATITUDE</h3>
+
+<h3>FOR MANY SEASONS OF EXCELLENT SPORT WITH HIS HOUNDS,</h3>
+
+<h3>ON THE BORDER.</h3>
+
+<h3>THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED,</h3>
+
+<h3>BY HIS</h3>
+
+<h3>OBLIGED AND FAITHFUL SERVANT,</h3>
+
+<h3>THE AUTHOR.</h3>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p>Transcriber's note: Minor typos have been corrected and table of contents has been created for the HTML version.<br /></p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. -->
+<p>
+<a href="#PREFACE"><b>PREFACE</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_I"><b>CHAPTER I</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_II"><b>CHAPTER II</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_III"><b>CHAPTER III</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_IV"><b>CHAPTER IV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_V"><b>CHAPTER V</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VI"><b>CHAPTER VI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VII"><b>CHAPTER VII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VIII"><b>CHAPTER VIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_IX"><b>CHAPTER IX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_X"><b>CHAPTER X</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XI"><b>CHAPTER XI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XII"><b>CHAPTER XII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIII"><b>CHAPTER XIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIV"><b>CHAPTER XIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XV"><b>CHAPTER XV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVI"><b>CHAPTER XVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVII"><b>CHAPTER XVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII"><b>CHAPTER XVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIX"><b>CHAPTER XIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XX"><b>CHAPTER XX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXI"><b>CHAPTER XXI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXII"><b>CHAPTER XXII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII"><b>CHAPTER XXIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV"><b>CHAPTER XXIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXV"><b>CHAPTER XXV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI"><b>CHAPTER XXVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVII"><b>CHAPTER XXVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVIII"><b>CHAPTER XXVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIX"><b>CHAPTER XXIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXX"><b>CHAPTER XXX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXI"><b>CHAPTER XXXI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXII"><b>CHAPTER XXXII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIII"><b>CHAPTER XXXIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIV"><b>CHAPTER XXXIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXV"><b>CHAPTER XXXV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVI"><b>CHAPTER XXXVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVII"><b>CHAPTER XXXVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVIII"><b>CHAPTER XXXVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIX"><b>CHAPTER XXXIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XL"><b>CHAPTER XL</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLI"><b>CHAPTER XLI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLII"><b>CHAPTER XLII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLIII"><b>CHAPTER XLIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLIV"><b>CHAPTER XLIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLV"><b>CHAPTER XLV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLVI"><b>CHAPTER XLVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLVII"><b>CHAPTER XLVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLVIII"><b>CHAPTER XLVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XLIX"><b>CHAPTER XLIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_L"><b>CHAPTER L</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LI"><b>CHAPTER LI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LII"><b>CHAPTER LII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LIII"><b>CHAPTER LIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LIV"><b>CHAPTER LIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LV"><b>CHAPTER LV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LVI"><b>CHAPTER LVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LVII"><b>CHAPTER LVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LVIII"><b>CHAPTER LVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LIX"><b>CHAPTER LIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LX"><b>CHAPTER LX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXI"><b>CHAPTER LXI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXII"><b>CHAPTER LXII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXIII"><b>CHAPTER LXIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXIV"><b>CHAPTER LXIV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXV"><b>CHAPTER LXV</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXVI"><b>CHAPTER LXVI</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXVII"><b>CHAPTER LXVII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXVIII"><b>CHAPTER LXVIII</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXIX"><b>CHAPTER LXIX</b></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_LXX"><b>CHAPTER LXX</b></a><br />
+</p>
+<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. -->
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p>The author gladly avails himself of the convenience of a Preface for
+stating, that it will be seen at the close of the work why he makes such a
+characterless character as Mr. Sponge the hero of his tale.</p>
+
+<p>He will be glad if it serves to put the rising generation on their guard
+against specious, promiscuous acquaintance, and trains them on to the noble
+sport of hunting, to the exclusion of its mercenary, illegitimate
+off-shoots.</p>
+
+<p><i>November 1852</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2>
+
+<h3>OUR HERO</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 140px;">
+<img src="images/image006.jpg" width="140" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>t was a murky October day that the hero of our tale, Mr. Sponge, or Soapey
+Sponge, as his good-natured friends call him, was seen mizzling along
+Oxford Street, wending his way to the West. Not that there was anything
+unusual in Sponge being seen in Oxford Street, for when in town his daily
+perambulations consist of a circuit, commencing from the Bantam Hotel in
+Bond Street into Piccadilly, through Leicester Square, and so on to
+Aldridge's, in St. Martin's Lane, thence by Moore's sporting-print shop,
+and on through some of those ambiguous and tortuous streets that, appearing
+to lead all ways at once and none in particular, land the explorer, sooner
+or later, on the south side of Oxford Street.</p>
+
+<p>Oxford Street acts to the north part of London what the Strand does to the
+south: it is sure to bring one up, sooner or later. A man can hardly get
+over either of them without knowing it. Well, Soapey having got into Oxford
+Street, would make his way at a squarey, in-kneed, duck-toed, sort of pace,
+regulated by the bonnets, the vehicles, and the equestrians he met to
+criticize; for of women, vehicles, and horses, he had voted himself a
+consummate judge. Indeed, he had <a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a>fully established in his own mind that
+Kiddey Downey and he were the only men in London who <i>really</i> knew anything
+about horses, and fully impressed with that conviction, he would halt, and
+stand, and stare, in a way that with any other man would have been
+considered impertinent. Perhaps it was impertinent in Soapey&mdash;we don't mean
+to say it wasn't&mdash;but he had done it so long, and was of so sporting a gait
+and cut, that he felt himself somewhat privileged. Moreover, the majority
+of horsemen are so satisfied with the animals they bestride, that they cock
+up their jibs and ride along with a 'find any fault with either me or my
+horse, if you can' sort of air.</p>
+
+<p>Thus Mr. Sponge proceeded leisurely along, now nodding to this man, now
+jerking his elbow to that, now smiling on a phaeton, now sneering at a
+'bus. If he did not look in at Shackell's or Bartley's, or any of the
+dealers on the line, he was always to be found about half-past five at
+Cumberland Gate, from whence he would strike leisurely down the Park, and
+after coming to a long check at Rotten Row rails, from whence he would pass
+all the cavalry in the Park in review, he would wend his way back to the
+Bantam, much in the style he had come. This was his summer proceeding.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge had pursued this enterprising life for some 'seasons'&mdash;ten at
+least&mdash;and supposing him to have begun at twenty or one-and-twenty, he
+would be about thirty at the time we have the pleasure of introducing him
+to our readers&mdash;a period of life at which men begin to suspect they were
+not quite so wise at twenty as they thought. Not that Mr. Sponge had any
+particular indiscretions to reflect upon, for he was tolerably sharp, but
+he felt that he might have made better use of his time, which may be
+shortly described as having been spent in hunting all the winter, and in
+talking about it all the summer. With this popular sport he combined the
+diversion of fortune-hunting, though we are concerned to say that his
+success, up to the period of our introduction, had not been commensurate
+with his deserts. Let us, however, hope that brighter days are about to
+dawn upon him.</p><p><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a></p>
+
+<p>Having now introduced our hero to our male and female friends, under his
+interesting pursuits of fox and fortune-hunter, it becomes us to say a few
+words as to his qualifications for carrying them on.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was a good-looking, rather vulgar-looking man. At a
+distance&mdash;say ten yards&mdash;his height, figure, and carriage gave him somewhat
+of a commanding appearance, but this was rather marred by a jerky, twitchy,
+uneasy sort of air, that too plainly showed he was not the natural, or what
+the lower orders call the <i>real</i> gentleman. Not that Sponge was shy. Far
+from it. He never hesitated about offering to a lady after a three days'
+acquaintance, or in asking a gentleman to take him a horse in over-night,
+with whom he might chance to come in contact in the hunting-field. And he
+did it all in such a cool, off-hand, matter-of-course sort of way, that
+people who would have stared with astonishment if anybody else had hinted
+at such a proposal, really seemed to come into the humour and spirit of the
+thing, and to look upon it rather as a matter of course than otherwise.
+Then his dexterity in getting into people's houses was only equalled by the
+difficulty of getting him out again, but this we must waive for the present
+in favour of his portraiture.</p>
+
+<p>In height, Mr. Sponge was above the middle size&mdash;five feet eleven or
+so&mdash;with a well borne up, not badly shaped, closely cropped oval head, a
+tolerably good, but somewhat receding forehead, bright hazel eyes, Roman
+nose, with carefully tended whiskers, reaching the corners of a well-formed
+mouth, and thence descending in semicircles into a vast expanse of hair
+beneath the chin.</p>
+
+<p>Having mentioned Mr. Sponge's groomy gait and horsey propensities, it were
+almost needless to say that his dress was in the sporting style&mdash;you saw
+what he was by his clothes. Every article seemed to be made to defy the
+utmost rigour of the elements. His hat (Lincoln and Bennett) was hard and
+heavy. It sounded upon an entrance-hall table like a drum. A little magical
+loop in the lining explained the cause of its weight. Somehow, his hats
+were never either old or <a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a>new&mdash;not that he bought them second-hand, but
+when he got a new one he took its 'long-coat' off, as he called it, with a
+singeing lamp, and made it look as if it had undergone a few probationary
+showers.</p>
+
+<p>When a good London hat recedes to a certain point, it gets no worse; it is
+not like a country-made thing that keeps going and going until it declines
+into a thing with no sort of resemblance to its original self. Barring its
+weight and hardness, the Sponge hat had no particular character apart from
+the Sponge head. It was not one of those punty ovals or Cheshire-cheese
+flats, or curly-sided things that enables one to say who is in a house and
+who is not, by a glance at the hats in the entrance, but it was just a
+quiet, round hat, without anything remarkable, either in the binding, the
+lining, or the band, but still it was a very becoming hat when Sponge had
+it on. There is a great deal of character in hats. We have seen hats that
+bring the owners to the recollection far more forcibly than the generality
+of portraits. But to our hero.</p>
+
+<p>That there may be a dandified simplicity in dress, is exemplified every day
+by our friends the Quakers, who adorn their beautiful brown Saxony coats
+with little inside velvet collars and fancy silk buttons, and even the
+severe order of sporting costume adopted by our friend Mr. Sponge is not
+devoid of capability in the way of tasteful adaptation. This Mr. Sponge
+chiefly showed in promoting a resemblance between his neck-cloths and
+waistcoats. Thus, if he wore a cream-coloured cravat, he would have a
+buff-coloured waistcoat, if a striped waistcoat, then the starcher would be
+imbued with somewhat of the same colour and pattern. The ties of these
+varied with their texture. The silk ones terminated in a sort of coaching
+fold, and were secured by a golden fox-head pin, while the striped
+starchers, with the aid of a pin on each side, just made a neat,
+unpretending tie in the middle, a sort of miniature of the flagrant,
+flyaway, Mile-End ones of aspiring youth of the present day. His coats were
+of the single-breasted cut-away order, with pockets outside, and generally
+either Oxford mixture or some dark <a name="Page_10" id="Page_10"></a>colour, that required you to place him
+in a favourable light to say what it was.</p>
+
+<p>His waistcoats, of course, were of the most correct form and material,
+generally either pale buff, or buff with a narrow stripe, similar to the
+undress vests of the servants of the Royal Family, only with the pattern
+run across instead of lengthways, as those worthies mostly have theirs, and
+made with good honest step collars, instead of the make-believe roll
+collars they sometimes convert their upright ones into. When in deep
+thought, calculating, perhaps, the value of a passing horse, or considering
+whether he should have beefsteaks or lamb chops for dinner, Sponge's thumbs
+would rest in the arm-holes of his waistcoat; in which easy, but not very
+elegant, attitude he would sometimes stand until all trace of the idea that
+elevated them had passed away from his mind.</p>
+
+<p>In the trouser line he adhered to the close-fitting costume of former days;
+and many were the trials, the easings, and the alterings, ere he got a pair
+exactly to his mind. Many were the customers who turned away on seeing his
+manly figure filling the swing mirror in 'Snip and Sneiders',' a monopoly
+that some tradesmen might object to, only Mr. Sponge's trousers being
+admitted to be perfect 'triumphs of the art,' the more such a walking
+advertisement was seen in the shop the better. Indeed, we believe it would
+have been worth Snip and Co.'s while to have let him have them for nothing.
+They were easy without being tight, or rather they looked tight without
+being so; there wasn't a bag, a wrinkle, or a crease that there shouldn't
+be, and strong and storm-defying as they seemed, they were yet as soft and
+as supple as a lady's glove. They looked more as if his legs had been blown
+in them than as if such irreproachable garments were the work of man's
+hands. Many were the nudges, and many the 'look at this chap's trousers,'
+that were given by ambitious men emulous of his appearance as he passed
+along, and many were the turnings round to examine their faultless fall
+upon his radiant boot. The boots, perhaps, might come in for a little of
+the glory, for they were beautifully soft <a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a>and cool-looking to the foot,
+easy without being loose, and he preserved the lustre of their polish, even
+up to the last moment of his walk. There never was a better man for getting
+through dirt, either on foot or horseback, than our friend.</p>
+
+<p>To the frequenters of the 'corner,' it were almost superfluous to mention
+that he is a constant attendant. He has several volumes of 'catalogues,'
+with the prices the horses have brought set down in the margins, and has a
+rare knack at recognizing old friends, altered, disguised, or disfigured as
+they may be&mdash;'I've seen that rip before,' he will say, with a knowing shake
+of the head, as some woe-begone devil goes, best leg foremost, up to the
+hammer, or, 'What! is that old beast back? why he's here every day.' No man
+can impose upon Soapy with a horse. He can detect the rough-coated
+plausibilities of the straw-yard, equally with the metamorphosis of the
+clipper or singer. His practised eye is not to be imposed upon either by
+the blandishments of the bang-tail, or the bereavements of the dock.
+Tattersall will hail him from his rostrum with&mdash;'Here's a horse will suit
+you, Mr. Sponge! cheap, good, and handsome! come and buy him.' But it is
+needless describing him here, for every out-of-place groom and
+dog-stealer's man knows him by sight.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. BENJAMIN BUCKRAM</h3>
+
+
+<p>Having dressed and sufficiently described our hero to enable our readers to
+form a general idea of the man, we have now to request them to return to
+the day of our introduction. Mr. Sponge had gone along Oxford Street at a
+somewhat improved pace to his usual wont&mdash;had paused for a shorter period
+in the ''bus' perplexed 'Circus,' and pulled up seldomer than usual between
+the Circus and the limits of his stroll. Behold him now at the Edgeware
+Road end, eyeing the 'buses <a name="Page_12" id="Page_12"></a>with a wanting-a-ride like air, instead of the
+contemptuous sneer he generally adopts towards those uncouth productions.
+Red, green, blue, drab, cinnamon-colour, passed and crossed, and jostled,
+and stopped, and blocked, and the cads telegraphed, and winked, and nodded,
+and smiled, and slanged, but Mr. Sponge regarded them not. He had a sort of
+''bus' panorama in his head, knew the run of them all, whence they started,
+where they stopped, where they watered, where they changed, and, wonderful
+to relate, had never been entrapped into a sixpenny fare when he meant to
+take a threepenny one. In cab and ''bus' geography there is not a more
+learned man in London.</p>
+
+<p>Mark him as he stands at the corner. He sees what he wants, it's the
+chequered one with the red and blue wheels that the Bayswater ones have got
+between them, and that the St. John's Wood and two Western Railway ones are
+trying to get into trouble by crossing. What a row! how the ruffians whip,
+and stamp, and storm, and all but pick each other's horses' teeth with
+their poles, how the cads gesticulate, and the passengers imprecate! now
+the bonnets are out of the windows, and the row increases. Six coachmen
+cutting and storming, six cads sawing the air, sixteen ladies in flowers
+screaming, six-and-twenty sturdy passengers swearing they will 'fine them
+all,' and Mr. Sponge is the only cool person in the scene. He doesn't rush
+into the throng and 'jump in,' for fear the 'bus should extricate itself
+and drive on without him; he doesn't make confusion worse confounded by
+intimating his behest; he doesn't soil his bright boots by stepping off the
+kerb-stone; but, quietly waiting the evaporation of the steam, and the
+disentanglement of the vehicles, by the smallest possible sign in the
+world, given at the opportune moment, and a steady adhesion to the flags,
+the 'bus is obliged either to 'come to,' or lose the fare, and he steps
+quietly in, and squeezes along to the far end, as though intent on going
+the whole hog of the journey.</p>
+
+<p>Away they rumble up the Edgeware Road; the gradual emergence from the brick
+and mortar of London <a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a>being marked as well by the telling out of passengers
+as by the increasing distances between the houses. First, it is all close
+huddle with both. Austere iron railings guard the subterranean kitchen
+areas, and austere looks indicate a desire on the part of the passengers to
+guard their own pockets; gradually little gardens usurp the places of the
+cramped areas, and, with their humanizing appearance, softer looks assume
+the place of frowning <i>anti</i> swell-mob ones.</p>
+
+<p>Presently a glimpse of green country or of distant hills may be caught
+between the wider spaces of the houses, and frequent settings down increase
+the space between the passengers; gradually conservatories appear and
+conversation strikes up; then come the exclusiveness of villas, some
+detached and others running out at last into real pure green fields studded
+with trees and picturesque pot-houses, before one of which latter a sudden
+wheel round and a jerk announces the journey done. The last passenger (if
+there is one) is then unceremoniously turned loose upon the country.</p>
+
+<p>Our readers will have the kindness to suppose our hero, Mr. Sponge, shot
+out of an omnibus at the sign of the Cat and Compasses, in the full
+rurality of grass country, sprinkled with fallows and turnip-fields. We
+should state that this unwonted journey was a desire to pay a visit to Mr.
+Benjamin Buckram, the horse-dealer's farm at Scampley, distant some mile
+and a half from where he was set down, a space that he now purposed
+travelling on foot.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Benjamin Buckram was a small horse-dealer&mdash;small, at least, when he was
+buying, though great when he was selling. It would do a youngster good to
+see Ben filling the two capacities. He dealt in second hand, that is to
+say, past mark of mouth horses; but on the present occasion, Mr. Sponge
+sought his services in the capacity of a letter rather than a seller of
+horses. Mr. Sponge wanted to job a couple of plausible-looking horses, with
+the option of buying them, provided he (Mr. Sponge) could sell them for
+more than he would have to give Mr. Buckram, exclusive of the hire. Mr.
+Buckram's job price, we should say, was as near twelve <a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a>pounds a month,
+containing twenty-eight days, as he could screw, the hirer, of course,
+keeping the animals.</p>
+
+<p>Scampley is one of those pretty little suburban farms, peculiar to the
+north and north-west side of London&mdash;farms varying from fifty to a hundred
+acres of well-manured, gravelly soil; each farm with its picturesque little
+buildings, consisting of small, honey-suckled, rose-entwined brick houses,
+with small, flat, pan-tiled roofs, and lattice-windows; and, hard by, a
+large hay-stack, three times the size of the house, or a desolate barn,
+half as big as all the rest of the buildings. From the smallness of the
+holdings, the farmhouses are dotted about as thickly, and at such varying
+distances from the roads, as to look like inferior 'villas,' falling out of
+rank; most of them have a half-smart, half-seedy sort of look.</p>
+
+<p>The rustics who cultivate them, or rather look after them, are neither
+exactly town nor country. They have the clownish dress and boorish gait of
+the regular 'chaws,' with a good deal of the quick, suspicious, sour
+sauciness of the low London resident. If you can get an answer from them at
+all, it is generally delivered in such a way as to show that the answerer
+thinks you are what they call 'chaffing them,' asking them what you know.</p>
+
+<p>These farms serve the double purpose of purveyors to the London stables,
+and hospitals for sick, overworked, or unsaleable horses. All the great
+job-masters and horse-dealers have these retreats in the country, and the
+smaller ones pretend to have, from whence, in due course, they can draw any
+sort of an animal a customer may want, just as little cellarless
+wine-merchants can get you any sort of wine from real establishments&mdash;if
+you only give them time.</p>
+
+<p>There was a good deal of mystery about Scampley. It was sometimes in the
+hands of Mr. Benjamin Buckram, sometimes in the hands of his assignees,
+sometimes in those of his cousin, Abraham Brown, and sometimes John Doe and
+Richard Roe were the occupants of it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Benjamin Buckram, though very far from being one, had the advantage of
+looking like a respectable <a name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></a>man. There was a certain plump, well-fed
+rosiness about him, which, aided by a bright-coloured dress, joined to a
+continual fumble in the pockets of his drab trousers, gave him the air of a
+'well-to-do-in-the-world' sort of man. Moreover, he sported a velvet collar
+to his blue coat, a more imposing ornament than it appears at first sight.
+To be sure, there are two sorts of velvet collars&mdash;the legitimate velvet
+collar, commencing with the coat, and the adopted velvet collar, put on
+when the cloth one gets shabby.</p>
+
+<p>Buckram's was always the legitimate velvet collar, new from the first, and,
+we really believe, a permanent velvet collar, adhered to in storm and in
+sunshine, has a very money-making impression on the world. It shows a
+spirit superior to feelings of paltry economy, and we think a person would
+be much more excusable for being victimized by a man with a good velvet
+collar to his coat, than by one exhibiting that spurious sign of
+gentility&mdash;a horse and gig.</p>
+
+<p>The reader will now have the kindness to consider Mr. Sponge arriving at
+Scampley.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mr. Buckram, who, having seen our friend
+advancing up the little twisting approach from the road to his house
+through a little square window almost blinded with Irish ivy, out of which
+he was in the habit of contemplating the arrival of his occasional lodgers,
+Doe and Roe. 'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed he, with well-assumed gaiety; 'you
+should have been here yesterday; sent away two sich osses&mdash;perfect
+'unters&mdash;the werry best I do think I ever saw in my life; either would have
+bin the werry oss for your money. But come in, Mr. Sponge, sir, come in,'
+continued he, backing himself through a little sentry-box of a green
+portico, to a narrow passage which branched off into little rooms on either
+side.</p>
+
+<p>As Buckram made this retrograde movement, he gave a gentle pull to the
+wooden handle of an old-fashioned wire bell-pull in the midst of buggy,
+four-in-hand, and other whips, hanging in the entrance, a touch that was
+acknowledged by a single tinkle of the bell in the stable-yard.</p><p><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a></p>
+
+<p>They then entered the little room on the right, whose walls were decorated
+with various sporting prints chiefly illustrative of steeple-chases, with
+here and there a stunted fox-brush, tossing about as a duster. The
+ill-ventilated room reeked with the effluvia of stale smoke, and the faded
+green baize of a little round table in the centre was covered with
+filbert-shells and empty ale-glasses. The whole furniture of the room
+wasn't worth five pounds.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, being now on the dealing tack, commenced in the
+poverty-stricken strain adapted to the occasion. Having deposited his hat
+on the floor, taken his left leg up to nurse, and given his hair a backward
+rub with his right hand, he thus commenced:</p>
+
+<p>'Now, Buckram,' said he, 'I'll tell you how it is. I'm deuced
+hard-up&mdash;regularly in Short's Gardens. I lost eighteen 'undred on the
+Derby, and seven on the Leger, the best part of my year's income, indeed;
+and I just want to hire two or three horses for the season, with the option
+of buying, if I like; and if you supply me well, I may be the means of
+bringing grist to your mill; you twig, eh?'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Mr. Sponge,' replied Buckram, sliding several consecutive
+half-crowns down the incline plane of his pocket. 'Well, Mr. Sponge, I
+shall be happy to do my best for you. I wish you'd come yesterday, though,
+as I said before, I jest had two of the neatest nags&mdash;a bay and a grey&mdash;not
+that colour makes any matter to a judge like you; there's no sounder sayin'
+than that a good oss is not never of a bad colour; only to a young gemman,
+you know, it's well to have 'em smart, and the ticket, in short;
+howsomever, I must do the best I can for you, and if there's nothin' in
+that tickles your fancy, why, you must give me a few days to see if I can
+arrange an exchange with some other gent; but the present is like to be a
+werry haggiwatin' season; had more happlications for osses nor ever I
+remembers, and I've been a dealer now, man and boy, turned of
+eight-and-thirty years; but young gents is whimsical, and it was a young
+'un wot got these, and there's no sayin' but he mayn't like them&mdash;indeed,
+one's rayther <a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a>difficult to ride&mdash;that's to say, the grey, the neatest of
+the two, and he <i>may</i> come back, and if so, you shall have him; and a
+safer, sweeter oss was never seen, or one more like to do credit to a gent:
+but you knows what an oss is, Mr. Sponge, and can do justice to me, and I
+should like to put summut good into your hands&mdash;<i>that</i> I should.'</p>
+
+<p>With conversation, or rather with balderdash, such as this, Mr. Buckram
+beguiled the few minutes necessary for removing the bandages, hiding the
+bottles, and stirring up the cripples about to be examined, and the heavy
+flap of the coach-house door announcing that all was ready, he forthwith
+led the way through a door in a brick wall into a little three-sides of a
+square yard, formed of stables and loose boxes, with a dilapidated
+dove-cote above a pump in the centre; Mr. Buckram, not growing corn, could
+afford to keep pigeons.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2>
+
+<h3>PETER LEATHER</h3>
+
+
+<p>Nothing bespeaks the character of a dealer's trade more than the servants
+and hangers-on of the establishment. The civiler in manner, and the better
+they are 'put on,' the higher the standing of the master, and the better
+the stamp of the horses.</p>
+
+<p>Those about Mr. Buckram's were of a very shady order. Dirty-shirted,
+sloggering, baggy-breeched, slangey-gaitered fellows, with the word 'gin'
+indelibly imprinted on their faces. Peter Leather, the head man, was one of
+the fallen angels of servitude. He had once driven a duke&mdash;the Duke of
+Dazzleton&mdash;having nothing whatever to do but dress himself and climb into
+his well-indented richly fringed throne, with a helper at each horse's head
+to 'let go' at a nod from his broad laced three-cornered hat. Then having
+got in his cargo (or rubbish, as he used to call them), he would start off
+at a pace that was truly terrific, cutting out this vehicle, <a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a>shooting past
+that, all but grazing a third, anathematizing the 'buses, and abusing the
+draymen. We don't know how he might be with the queen, but he certainly
+drove as though he thought nobody had any business in the street while the
+Duchess of Dazzleton wanted it. The duchess liked going fast, and Peter
+accommodated her. The duke jobbed his horses and didn't care about pace,
+and so things might have gone on very comfortably, if Peter one afternoon
+hadn't run his pole into the panel of a very plain but very neat yellow
+barouche, passing the end of New Bond Street, which having nothing but a
+simple crest&mdash;a stag's head on the panel&mdash;made him think it belonged to
+some bulky cit, taking the air with his rib, but who, unfortunately, turned
+out to be no less a person than Sir Giles Nabem, Knight, the great police
+magistrate, upon one of whose myrmidons in plain clothes, who came to the
+rescue, Peter committed a most violent assault, for which unlucky casualty
+his worship furnished him with rotatory occupation for his fat calves in
+the 'H. of C.,' as the clerk shortly designated the House of Correction.
+Thither Peter went, and in lieu of his lace-bedaubed coat, gold-gartered
+plushes, stockings, and buckled shoes, he was dressed up in a suit of
+tight-fitting yellow and black-striped worsteds, that gave him the
+appearance of a wasp without wings. Peter Leather then tumbled regularly
+down the staircase of servitude, the greatness of his fall being
+occasionally broken by landing in some inferior place. From the Duke of
+Dazzleton's, or rather from the tread-mill, he went to the Marquis of
+Mammon, whom he very soon left because he wouldn't wear a second-hand wig.
+From the marquis he got hired to the great Irish Earl of Coarsegab, who
+expected him to wash the carriage, wait at table, and do other incidentals
+never contemplated by a London coachman. Peter threw this place up with
+indignation on being told to take the letters to the post. He then lived on
+his 'means' for a while, a thing that is much finer in theory than in
+practice, and having about exhausted his substance and placed the bulk of
+his apparel in safe keeping, he condescended to take a place as job
+coachman <a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a>in a livery-stable&mdash;a 'horses let by the hour, day, or month'
+one, in which he enacted as many characters, at least made as many
+different appearances, as the late Mr. Mathews used to do in his celebrated
+'At Homes.' One day Peter would be seen ducking under the mews' entrance in
+one of those greasy, painfully well-brushed hats, the certain precursors of
+soiled linen and seedy, most seedy-covered buttoned coats, that would
+puzzle a conjuror to say whether they were black, or grey, or olive, or
+invisible green turned visible brown. Then another day he might be seen in
+old Mrs. Gadabout's sky-blue livery, with a tarnished, gold-laced hat,
+nodding over his nose; and on a third he would shine forth in Mrs.
+Major-General Flareup's cockaded one, with a worsted shoulder-knot, and a
+much over-daubed light drab livery coat, with crimson inexpressibles, so
+tight as to astonish a beholder how he ever got into them. Humiliation,
+however, has its limits as well as other things; and Peter having been
+invited to descend from his box&mdash;alas! a regular country patent leather
+one, and invest himself in a Quaker-collared blue coat, with a red vest,
+and a pair of blue trousers with a broad red stripe down the sides, to
+drive the Honourable old Miss Wrinkleton, of Harley Street, to Court in a
+'one oss pianoforte-case,' as he called a Clarence, he could stand it no
+longer, and, chucking the nether garments into the fire, he rushed
+frantically up the area-steps, mounted his box, and quilted the old
+crocodile of a horse all the way home, accompanying each cut with an
+imprecation such as '<i>me</i> make a guy of myself!' (whip) '<i>me</i> put on sich
+things!' (whip, whip) '<i>me</i> drive down Sin Jimses-street!' (whip, whip,
+whip), '<i>I'd</i> see her &mdash;&mdash; fust!' (whip, whip, whip), cutting at the old
+horse just as if he was laying it into Miss Wrinkleton, so that by the time
+he got home he had established a considerable lather on the old nag, which
+his master resenting a row ensued, the sequel of which may readily be
+imagined. After assisting Mrs. Clearstarch, the Kilburn laundress, in
+getting in and taking out her washing, for a few weeks, chance at last
+landed him at Mr. Benjamin Buckram's, from whence he is now about to be
+removed to become <a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a>our hero Mr. Sponge's Sancho Panza, in his fox-hunting,
+fortune-hunting career, and disseminate in remote parts his doctrines of
+the real honour and dignity of servitude. Now to the inspection.</p>
+
+<p>Peter Leather, having a peep-hole as well as his master, on seeing Mr.
+Sponge arrive, had given himself an extra rub over, and covered his dirty
+shirt with a clean, well-tied, white kerchief, and a whole coloured scarlet
+waistcoat, late the property of one of his noble employers, in hopes that
+Sponge's visit might lead to something. Peter was about sick of the
+suburbs, and thought, of course, that he couldn't be worse off than where
+he was.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's Mr. Sponge wants some osses,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Leather met
+them in the middle of the little yard, and brought his right arm round with
+a sort of military swing to his forehead; 'what 'ave we in?' continued
+Buckram, with the air of a man with so many horses that he didn't know what
+were in and what were out.</p>
+
+<p>'Vy we 'ave Rumbleton in,' replied Leather, thoughtfully, stroking down his
+hair as he spoke, 'and we 'ave Jack o'Lanthorn in, and we 'ave the Camel
+in, and there's the little Hirish oss with the sprig tail&mdash;Jack-a-Dandy, as
+I calls him, and the Flyer will be in to-night, he's just out a hairing, as
+it were, with old Mr. Callipash.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, Rumbleton won't do for Mr. Sponge,' observed Buckram, thoughtfully, at
+the same time letting go a tremendous avalanche of silver down his trouser
+pocket, 'Rumbleton won't do,' repeated he, 'nor Jack-a-Dandy nouther.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I wouldn't commend neither on 'em,' replied Peter, taking his cue
+from his master, 'only ven you axes me vot there's in, you knows vy I must
+give you a <i>cor</i>-rect answer, in course.'</p>
+
+<p>'In course,' nodded Buckram.</p>
+
+<p>Leather and Buckram had a good understanding in the lying line, and had
+fallen into a sort of tacit arrangement that if the former was staunch
+about the horses he was at liberty to make the best terms he could for
+himself. Whatever Buckram said, Leather swore to, <a name="Page_21" id="Page_21"></a>and they had established
+certain signals and expressions that each understood.</p>
+
+<p>'I've an unkimmon nice oss,' at length observed Mr. Buckram, with a
+scrutinizing glance at Sponge, 'and an oss in hevery respect werry like
+your work, but he's an oss I'll candidly state, I wouldn't put in every
+one's 'ands, for, in the fust place, he's wery walueous, and in the second,
+he requires an ossman to ride; howsomever, as I knows that you <i>can</i> ride,
+and if you doesn't mind taking my 'ead man,' jerking his elbow at Leather,
+'to look arter him, I wouldn't mind 'commodatin' on you, prowided we can
+'gree upon terms.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, let's see him,' interrupted Sponge, 'and we can talk about terms
+after.'</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Buckram, again letting loose a
+reaccumulated rush of silver down his pocket. 'Here, Tom! Joe! Harry!
+where's Sam?' giving the little tinkler of a bell a pull as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Sam be in the straw 'ouse,' replied Leather, passing through a stable into
+a wooden projection beyond, where the gentleman in question was enjoying a
+nap.</p>
+
+<p>'Sam!' said he, 'Sam!' repeated he, in a louder tone, as he saw the object
+of his search's nose popping through the midst of the straw.</p>
+
+<p>'What now?' exclaimed Sam, starting up, and looking wildly around; 'what
+now?' repeated he, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.</p>
+
+<p>'Get out Ercles,' said Leather, <i>sotto voce</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The lad was a mere stripling&mdash;some fifteen or sixteen, years,
+perhaps&mdash;tall, slight, and neat, with dark hair and eyes, and was dressed
+in a brown jacket&mdash;a real boy's jacket, without laps, white cords, and
+top-boots. It was his business to risk his neck and limbs at all hours of
+the day, on all sorts of horses, over any sort of place that any person
+chose to require him to put a horse at, and this he did with the daring
+pleasure of youth as yet undaunted by any serious fall. Sam now bestirred
+himself to get out the horse. The clambering of hoofs presently announced
+his approach.</p>
+
+<p>Whether Hercules was called Hercules on account of his amazing strength, or
+from a fanciful relationship to <a name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a>the famous horse of that name, we know
+not; but his strength and his colour would favour either supposition. He
+was an immense, tall, powerful, dark brown, sixteen hands horse, with an
+arched neck and crest, well set on, clean, lean head, and loins that looked
+as if they could shoot a man into the next county. His condition was
+perfect. His coat lay as close and even as satin, with cleanly developed
+muscle, and altogether he looked as hard as a cricket-ball. He had a famous
+switch tail, reaching nearly to his hocks, and making him look less than he
+would otherwise have done.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was too well versed in horse-flesh to imagine that such an
+animal would be in the possession of such a third-rate dealer as Buckram,
+unless there was something radically wrong about him, and as Sam and
+Leather were paying the horse those stable attentions that always precede a
+show out, Mr. Sponge settled in his own mind that the observation about his
+requiring a horseman to ride him, meant that he was vicious. Nor was he
+wrong in his anticipations, for not all Leather's whistlings, or Sam's
+endearings and watchings, could conceal the sunken, scowling eye, that as
+good as said, 'you'd better keep clear of me.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, however, was a dauntless horseman. What man dared he dared, and
+as the horse stepped proudly and freely out of the stable, Mr. Sponge
+thought he looked very like a hunter. Nor were Mr. Buckram's laudations
+wanting in the animal's behalf.</p>
+
+<p>'There's an 'orse!' exclaimed he, drawing his right hand out of his trouser
+pocket, and flourishing it towards him. 'If that 'orse were down in
+Leicestersheer,' added he, 'he'd fetch three 'under'd guineas. Sir Richard
+would 'ave him in a minnit&mdash;<i>that he would!</i>' added he, with a stamp of his
+foot as he saw the animal beginning to set up his back and wince at the
+approach of the lad. (We may here mention by way of parenthesis, that Mr.
+Buckram had brought him out of Warwicksheer for thirty pounds, where the
+horse had greatly distinguished himself, as well by kicking off sundry
+scarlet swells in the gaily thronged streets of Leamington, as by running
+away with divers others <a name="Page_23" id="Page_23"></a>over the wide-stretching grazing grounds of
+Southam and Dunchurch.)</p>
+
+<p>But to our story. The horse now stood staring on view: fire in his eye, and
+vigour in his every limb. Leather at his head, the lad at his side. Sponge
+and Buckram a little on the left.</p>
+
+<p>'W&mdash;h&mdash;o&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;y, my man, w&mdash;h&mdash;o&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;y,' continued Mr. Buckram, as a
+liberal show of the white of the eye was followed by a little wince and
+hoist of the hind quarters on the nearer approach of the lad.</p>
+
+<p>'Look sharp, boy,' said he, in a very different tone to the soothing one in
+which he had just been addressing the horse. The lad lifted up his leg for
+a hoist. Leather gave him one as quick as thought, and led on the horse as
+the lad gathered up his reins. They then made for a large field at the back
+of the house, with leaping-bars, hurdles, 'on and offs,' 'ins and outs,'
+all sorts of fancy leaps scattered about. Having got him fairly in, and the
+lad having got himself fairly settled in the saddle he gave the horse a
+touch with the spur as Leather let go his head, and after a desperate
+plunge or two started off at a gallop.</p>
+
+<p>'He's fresh,' observed Mr. Buckram confidentially to Mr. Sponge, 'he's
+fresh&mdash;wants work, in short&mdash;short of work&mdash;wouldn't put every one on
+him&mdash;wouldn't put one o' your timid cocknified chaps on him, for if ever he
+were to get the hupper 'and, vy I doesn't know as 'ow that we might get the
+hupper 'and o' him, agen, but the playful rogue knows ven he's got a
+workman on his back&mdash;see how he gives to the lad though he's only fifteen,
+and not strong of his hage nouther,' continued Mr. Buckram, 'and I guess if
+he had sich a consternation of talent as you on his back, he'd wery soon be
+as quiet as a lamb&mdash;not that he's wicious&mdash;far from it, only play&mdash;full of
+play, I may say, though to be sure, if a man gets spilt it don't argufy
+much whether it's done from play or from wice.'</p>
+
+<p>During this time the horse was going through his evolutions, hopping over
+this thing, popping over that, making as little of everything as practice
+makes them do.</p>
+
+<p>Having gone through the usual routine, the lad now <a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a>walked the glowing
+coated snorting horse back to where the trio stood. Mr. Sponge again looked
+him over, and still seeing no exception to take to him, bid the lad get off
+and lengthen the stirrups for him to take a ride. That was the difficulty.
+The first two minutes always did it. Mr. Sponge, however, nothing daunted,
+borrowed Sam's spurs, and making Leather hold the horse by the head till he
+got well into the saddle, and then lead him on a bit; he gave the animal
+such a dig in both sides as fairly threw him off his guard, and made him
+start away at a gallop, instead of standing and delivering, as was his
+wont.</p>
+
+<p>Away Mr. Sponge shot, pulling him about trying all his paces, and putting
+him at all sorts of leaps.</p>
+
+<p>Emboldened by the nerve and dexterity displayed by Mr. Sponge, Mr. Buckram
+stood meditating a further trial of his equestrian ability, as he watched
+him bucketing 'Ercles' about. Hercules had 'spang-hewed' so many triers,
+and the hideous contraction of his resolute back had deterred so many from
+mounting, that Buckram had begun to fear he would have to place him in the
+only remaining school for incurables, the 'bus. Hack-horse riders are
+seldom great horsemen. The very fact of their being hack-horse riders shows
+they are little accustomed to horses, or they would not give the fee-simple
+of an animal for a few weeks' work.</p>
+
+<p>'I've a wonderful clever little oss,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Sponge
+returned with a slack-rein and a satisfied air on the late resolute
+animal's back. '<i>Little</i> I can 'ardly call 'im,' continued Mr. Buckram,
+'only he's low; but you knows that the 'eight of an oss has nothin' to do
+with his size. Now this is a perfect dray-oss in miniature. An 'Arrow gent,
+lookin' at him t'other day christen'd him "Multum in Parvo." But though
+he's so <i>ter-men</i>-dous strong, he has the knack o' goin', specially in
+deep; and if you're not a-goin' to Sir Richard, but into some o' them
+plough sheers (shires), I'd 'commend him to you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Let's have a look at him,' replied Mr. Sponge, throwing his right leg over
+Hercules' head and sliding <a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a>from the saddle on to the ground, as if he were
+alighting from the quietest shooting pony in the world.</p>
+
+<p>All then was hurry, scurry, and scamper to get this second prodigy out.
+Presently he appeared. Multum in Parvo certainly was all that Buckram
+described him. A long, low, clean-headed, clean-necked, big-hocked,
+chestnut, with a long tail, and great, large, flat white legs, without mark
+or blemish upon them. Unlike Hercules, there was nothing indicative of vice
+or mischief about him. Indeed, he was rather a sedate, meditative-looking
+animal; and, instead of the watchful, arms'-length sort of way Leather and
+Co. treated Hercules, they jerked and punched Parvo about as if he were a
+cow.</p>
+
+<p>Still Parvo had his foibles. He was a resolute, head-strong animal, that
+would go his own way in spite of all the pulling and hauling in the world.
+If he took it into his obstinate head to turn into a particular field, into
+it he would be; or against the gate-post he would bump the rider's leg in a
+way that would make him remember the difference of opinion between them.
+His was not a fiery, hot-headed spirit, with object or reason for its
+guide, but just a regular downright pig-headed sort of stupidity, that
+nobody could account for. He had a mouth like a bull, and would walk clean
+through a gate sometimes rather than be at the trouble of rising to leap
+it; at other times he would hop over it like a bird. He could not beat Mr.
+Buckram's men, because they were always on the look-out for objects of
+contention with sharp spur rowels, ready to let into his sides the moment
+he began to stop; but a weak or a timid man on his back had no more chance
+than he would on an elephant. If the horse chose to carry him into the
+midst of the hounds at the meet, he would have him in&mdash;nay, he would think
+nothing of upsetting the master himself in the middle of the pack. Then the
+provoking part was, that the obstinate animal, after having done all the
+mischief, would just set to to eat as if nothing had happened. After
+rolling a sportsman in the mud, he would repair to the nearest hay-stack or
+grassy bank, and be caught. He was now ten years old, or a <i>leetle</i> more
+perhaps, and very wicked years some of them had <a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a>been. His adventures, his
+sellings and his returning, his lettings and his unlettings, his bumpings
+and spillings, his smashings and crashings, on the road, in the field, in
+single and in double harness, would furnish a volume of themselves; and in
+default of a more able historian, we purpose blending his future fortune
+with that of 'Ercles,' in the service of our hero Mr. Sponge, and his
+accomplished groom, and undertaking the important narration of them
+ourselves.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 264px;">
+<img src="images/image026.jpg" width="264" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+
+<h3>LAVERICK WELLS</h3>
+
+
+<p>We trust our opening chapters, aided by our friend Leech's pencil, will
+have enabled our readers to embody such a Sponge in their mind's eye as
+will assist them in following us through the course of his peregrinations.
+We do not profess to have drawn such a portrait as will raise the same sort
+of Sponge in the minds of all, but we trust we have given such a general
+outline of style, and indication of character, as an ordinary knowledge of
+the world will enable them to imagine a good, pushing, free-and-easy sort
+of man, wishing to be a gentleman without knowing how.</p>
+
+<p>Far more difficult is the task of conveying to our readers such information
+as will enable them to form an idea of our hero's ways and means. An
+accommodating world&mdash;especially the female portion of it&mdash;generally
+attribute ruin to the racer, and fortune to the fox-hunter; but though Mr.
+Sponge's large losses on the turf, as detailed by him to Mr. Buckram on the
+occasion of their deal or 'job,' would bring him in the category of the
+unfortunates; still that representation was nearly, if not altogether,
+fabulous. That Mr. Sponge might have lost a trifle on the great races of
+the year, we don't mean to deny, but that he lost such a sum as eighteen
+hundred on the Derby, and seven on the Leger, we are in a condition to
+contradict, for the best of all possible reasons, that he hadn't it to
+lose. At the same time we do not mean to attribute falsehood to Mr.
+Sponge&mdash;quite the contrary&mdash;it is no uncommon thing for merchants and
+traders&mdash;men who 'talk in thousands,' to declare that they lost twenty
+thousand by this, or forty thousand by that, simply meaning that they
+didn't make it, and if Mr. Sponge, by taking the longest of the long odds
+against the most wretched of the outsiders, might have won the sums he
+named, he surely had a right to say he lost them when he didn't get them.</p><p><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a></p>
+
+<p>It never does to be indigenously poor, if we may use such a term, and when
+a man gets to the end of his tether, he must have something or somebody to
+blame rather than his own extravagance or imprudence, and if there is no
+'rascally lawyer' who has bolted with his title-deeds, or fraudulent agent
+who has misappropriated his funds, why then, railroads, or losses on the
+turf, or joint-stock banks that have shut up at short notice, come in as
+the scapegoats. Very willing hacks they are, too, railways especially, and
+so frequently ridden, that it is no easy matter to discriminate between the
+real and the fictitious loser.</p>
+
+<p>But though we are able to contradict Mr. Sponge's losses on the turf, we
+are sorry we are not able to elevate him to the riches the character of a
+fox-hunter generally inspires. Still, like many men of whom the common
+observation is, 'nobody knows how he lives,' Mr. Sponge always seemed well
+to do in the world. There was no appearance of want about him. He always
+hunted: sometimes with five horses, sometimes with four, seldom with less
+than three, though at the period of our introduction he had come down to
+two. Nevertheless, those two, provided he could but make them 'go,' were
+well calculated to do the work of four. And hack horses, of all sorts, it
+may be observed, generally do double the work of private ones; and if there
+is one man in the world better calculated to get the work out of them than
+another, that man most assuredly is Mr. Sponge. And this reminds us, that
+we may as well state that his bargain with Buckram was a sort of jobbing
+deal. He had to pay ten guineas a month for each horse, with a sort of
+sliding scale of prices if he chose to buy&mdash;the price of 'Ercles' (the big
+brown) being fixed at fifty, inclusive of hire at the end of the first
+month, and gradually rising according to the length of time he kept him
+beyond that; while, 'Multum in Parvo,' the resolute chestnut, was booked at
+thirty, with the right of buying at five more, a contingency that Buckram
+little expected. He, we may add, had got him for ten, and dear he thought
+him when he got him home.</p><p><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a></p>
+
+<p>The world was now all before Mr. Sponge where to choose; and not being the
+man to keep hack horses to look at, we must be setting him a-going.</p>
+
+<p>'Leicesterscheer swells,' as Mr. Buckram would call them, with their
+fourteen hunters and four hacks, will smile at the idea of a man going from
+home to hunt with only a couple of 'screws,' but Mr. Sponge knew what he
+was about and didn't want any one to counsel him. He knew there were
+places where a man can follow up the effect produced by a red coat in the
+morning to great advantage in the evening; and if he couldn't hunt every
+day in the week, as he could have wished, he felt he might fill up his time
+perhaps quite as profitably in other ways. The ladies, to do them justice,
+are never at all suspicious about men&mdash;on the 'nibble'&mdash;always taking it
+for granted, they are 'all they could wish,' and they know each other so
+well, that any cautionary hint acts rather in a man's favour than
+otherwise. Moreover, hunting men, as we said before, are all supposed to be
+rich, and as very few ladies are aware that a horse can't hunt every day in
+the week, they just class the whole 'genus' fourteen-horse power men,
+ten-horse power men, five-horse power men, two-horse power men, together,
+and tying them in a bunch, label it '<i>very rich</i>,' and proceed to take
+measures accordingly.</p>
+
+<p>Let us now visit one of the 'strongholds' of fox and fortune-hunting.</p>
+
+<p>A sudden turn of a long, gently rising, but hitherto uninteresting road,
+brings the posting traveller suddenly upon the rich, well-wooded,
+beautifully undulating vale of Fordingford, whose fine green pastures are
+brightened with occasional gleams of a meandering river, flowing through
+the centre of the vale. In the far distance, looking as though close upon
+the blue hills, though in reality several miles apart, sundry spires and
+taller buildings are seen rising above the grey mists towards which a
+straight, undeviating, matter-of-fact line of railway passing up the right
+of the vale, directs the eye. This is the famed Laverick<a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a> Wells, the
+resort, as indeed all watering-places are, according to newspaper accounts,
+of</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">'Knights and dames,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all that wealth and lofty lineage claim.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>At the period of which we write, however, 'Laverick Wells' was in great
+feather&mdash;it had never known such times. Every house, every lodging, every
+hole and corner was full, and the great hotels, which more resemble
+Lancashire cotton-mills than English hostelries, were sending away
+applicants in the most offhand, indifferent way.</p>
+
+<p>The Laverick Wells hounds had formerly been under the management of the
+well-known Mr. Thomas Slocdolager, a hard-riding, hard-bitten, hold-harding
+sort of sportsman, whose whole soul was in the thing, and who would have
+ridden over his best friend in the ardour of the chase.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 270px;">
+<img src="images/image030.jpg" width="270" height="300" alt="MR. THOMAS SLOCDOLAGER, LATE MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. THOMAS SLOCDOLAGER, LATE MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In some countries such a creature may be considered an acquisition, and so
+long as he reigned at the Wells, people made the best they could of him,
+though it was painfully apparent to the livery-stable keepers, and others,
+who had the best interest of the place at heart, that such a red-faced,
+gloveless, drab-breeched, mahogany-booted buffer, who would throw off at
+the right time, and who resolutely set his great stubbly-cheeked face
+against all show meets and social intercourse in the field, was not exactly
+the man for a civilized place. Whether time might have enlightened Mr.
+Slocdolager as to the fact, that continuous killing of foxes, after
+fatiguingly long runs, was not the way to the hearts of the Laverick Wells
+sportsmen, is unknown, for on attempting to realize as fine a subscription
+as ever appeared upon paper, it melted so in the process of collection,
+that what was realized was hardly worth his <a name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></a>acceptance; saying so, in his
+usual blunt way, that if he hunted a country at his own expense he would
+hunt one that wasn't encumbered with fools, he just stamped his little
+wardrobe into a pair of old black saddle-bags, and rode out of town without
+saying 'tar, tar,' good-bye, carding, or P.P.C.-ing anybody.</p>
+
+<p>This was at the end of a season, a circumstance that considerably mitigated
+the inconvenience so abrupt a departure might have occasioned, and as one
+of the great beauties of Laverick Wells is, that it is just as much in
+vogue in summer as in winter, the inhabitants consoled themselves with the
+old aphorism, that there is as 'good fish in the sea as ever came out of
+it,' and cast about in search of some one to supply his place at as small
+cost to themselves as possible. In a place so replete with money and the
+enterprise of youth, little difficulty was anticipated, especially when the
+old bait of 'a name' being all that was wanted, 'an ample subscription,' to
+defray all expenses figuring in the background, was held out.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. WAFFLES</h3>
+
+
+<p>Among a host of most meritorious young men&mdash;(any of whom would get up
+behind a bill for five hundred pounds without looking to see that it wasn't
+a thousand)&mdash;among a host of most meritorious young men who made their
+appearance at Laverick Wells towards the close of Mr. Slocdolager's reign,
+was Mr. Waffles; a most enterprising youth, just on the verge of arriving
+of age, and into the possession of a very considerable amount of charming
+ready money.</p>
+
+<p>Were it not that a 'proud aristocracy,' as Sir Robert Peel called them,
+have shown that they can get over any little deficiency of birth if there
+is sufficiency of cash, we should have thought it necessary to make the
+best of Mr. Waffles' pedigree, but the tide of opinion <a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a>evidently setting
+the other way, we shall just give it as we had it, and let the proud
+aristocracy reject him if they like. Mr. Waffles' father, then, was either
+a great grazier or a great brazier&mdash;which, we are unable to say, 'for a
+small drop of ink having fallen,' not 'like dew,' but like a black beetle,
+on the first letter of the word in our correspondent's communication, it
+may do for either&mdash;but in one of which trades he made a 'mint of money,'
+and latish on in life married a lady who hitherto had filled the honourable
+office of dairy-maid in his house; she was a fine handsome woman and a year
+or two after the birth of this their only child, he departed this life,
+nearer eighty than seventy, leaving an 'inconsolable,' &amp;c., who
+unfortunately contracted matrimony with a master pork-butcher, before she
+got the fine flattering white monument up, causing young Waffles to be
+claimed for dry-nursing by that expert matron the High Court of Chancery;
+who, of course, had him properly educated&mdash;where, it is immaterial to
+relate, as we shall step on till we find him at college.</p>
+
+<p>Our friend, having proved rather too vivacious for the Oxford Dons, had
+been recommended to try the effects of the Laverick Wells, or any other
+waters he liked, and had arrived with a couple of hunters and a hack, much
+to the satisfaction of the neighbouring master of hounds and his huntsman;
+for Waffles had ridden over and maimed more hounds to his own share, during
+the two seasons he had been at Oxford, than that gentleman had been in the
+habit of appropriating to the use of the whole university. Corresponding
+with that gentleman's delight at getting rid of him was Mr. Slocdolager's
+dismay at his appearance, for fully satisfied that Oxford was the seat of
+fox-hunting as well as of all the other arts and sciences, Mr. Waffles
+undertook to enlighten him and his huntsman on the mysteries of their
+calling, and 'Old Sloc,' as he was called, being a very silent man, while
+Mr. Waffles was a very noisy one, Sloc was nearly talked deaf by him.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles was just in the hey-day of hot, rash, youthful indiscretion and
+extravagance. He had not the slightest idea of the value of money, and
+looked at <a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a>the fortune he was so closely approaching as perfectly
+inexhaustible. His rooms, the most spacious and splendid at that most
+spacious and splendid hotel, the 'Imperial,' were filled with a profusion
+of the most useless but costly articles. Jewellery without end, pictures
+innumerable, pictures that represented all sorts of imaginary sums of
+money, just as they represented all sorts of imaginary scenes, but whose
+real worth or genuineness would never be tested till the owner wanted to
+'convert them.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles was a 'pretty man.' Tall, slim, and slight, with long curly
+light hair, pink and white complexion, visionary whiskers, and a tendency
+to moustache that could best be seen sideways. He had light blue eyes;
+while his features generally were good, but expressive of little beyond
+great good-humour. In dress, he was both smart and various; indeed, we feel
+a difficulty in fixing him in any particular costume, so frequent and
+opposite were his changes. He had coats of every cut and colour. Sometimes
+he was the racing man with a bright-button'd Newmarket brown cut-away, and
+white-cord trousers, with drab cloth-boots; anon, he would be the officer,
+and shine forth in a fancy forage cap, cocked jauntily over a profusion of
+well-waxed curls, a richly braided surtout, with military overalls strapped
+down over highly varnished boots, whose hypocritical heels would sport a
+pair of large rowelled long-necked, ringing, brass spurs. Sometimes he was
+a Jack tar, with a little glazed hat, a once-round tie, a checked shirt, a
+blue jacket, roomy trousers, and broad-stringed pumps; and, before the
+admiring ladies had well digested him in that dress, he would be seen
+cantering away on a long-tailed white barb, in a pea-green duck-hunter,
+with cream-coloured leather and rose-tinted tops. He was</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'All things by turns, and nothing long.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Such was the gentleman elected to succeed the silent, matter-of-fact Mr.
+Slocdolager in the important office of Master of the Laverick Wells Hunt;
+and whatever may be the merits of either&mdash;upon which we pass no opinion&mdash;it
+cannot be denied that they were essentially different.<a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a> Mr. Slocdolager was
+a man of few words, and not at all a ladies' man. He could not even talk
+when he was crammed with wine, and though he could hold a good quantity,
+people soon found out they might just as well pour it into a jug as down
+his throat, so they gave up asking him out. He was a man of few coats, as
+well as of few words; one on, and one off, being the extent of his
+wardrobe. His scarlet was growing plum-colour, and the rest of his hunting
+costume has been already glanced at. He lodged above Smallbones, the
+veterinary surgeon, in a little back street, where he lived in the quietest
+way, dining when he came in from hunting,&mdash;dressing, or rather changing,
+only when he was wet, hunting each fox again over his brandy-and-water, and
+bundling off to bed long before many of his 'field' had left the
+dining-room. He was little better than a better sort of huntsman.</p>
+
+<p>Waffles, as we said before, had made himself conspicuous towards the close
+of Mr. Slocdolager's reign, chiefly by his dashing costume, his reckless
+riding, and his off-hand way of blowing up and slanging people.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, a stranger would have taken him for the master, a delusion that was
+heightened by his riding with a formidable-looking sherry-case, in the
+shape of a horn, at his saddle. Save when engaged in sucking this, his
+tongue was never at fault. It was jabber, jabber, jabber; chatter, chatter,
+chatter; prattle, prattle, prattle; occasionally about something, oftener
+about nothing, but in cover or out, stiff country or open, trotting or
+galloping, wet day or dry, good scenting day or bad, Waffles' clapper never
+was at rest. Like all noisy chaps, too, he could not bear any one to make a
+noise but himself. In furtherance of this, he called in the aid of his
+Oxfordshire rhetoric. He would halloo <i>at</i> people, designating them by some
+peculiarity that he thought he could wriggle out of, if necessary, instead
+of attacking them by name. Thus, if a man spoke, or placed himself where
+Waffles thought he ought not to be (that is to say, anywhere but where
+Waffles was himself), he would exclaim, 'Pray, sir, hold your tongue!&mdash;you,
+sir!&mdash;no, sir, not you&mdash;the man that speaks as if he had a brush in his
+throat!'&mdash;or, '<i>Do</i> come away, sir!&mdash;you, sir!&mdash;the <a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a>man in the
+mushroom-looking hat!'&mdash;or, 'that gentleman in the parsimonious boots!'
+looking at some one with very narrow tops.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 296px;">
+<img src="images/image035.jpg" width="296" height="371" alt="MR. WAFFLES, THE PRESENT MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. WAFFLES, THE PRESENT MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Still, he was a rattling, good-natured, harum-scarum fellow; and
+masterships of hounds, memberships of Parliament&mdash;all expensive
+unmoney-making offices,&mdash;being things that most men are anxious to foist
+upon their friends, Mr. Waffles' big talk and interference in the field
+procured him the honour of the first refusal. Not that he was the man to
+refuse, for he jumped at the offer, and, as he would be of age before the
+season came round, and would have got all his money out of Chancery, <a name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a>he
+disdained to talk about a subscription, and boldly took the hounds as his
+own. He then became a very important personage at Laverick Wells.</p>
+
+<p>He had always been a most important personage among the ladies, but as the
+men couldn't marry him, those who didn't want to borrow money of him, of
+course, ran him down. It used to be, 'Look at that dandified ass, Waffles,
+I declare the sight of him makes me sick'; or, 'What a barber's apprentice
+that fellow is, with his ringlets all smeared with Macassar.'</p>
+
+<p>Now it was Waffles this, Waffles that, 'Who dines with Waffles?' 'Waffles
+is the best fellow under the sun! By Jingo, I know no such man as Waffles!'
+'<i>Most deserving</i> young man!'</p>
+
+<p>In arriving at this conclusion, their judgement was greatly assisted by the
+magnificent way he went to work. Old Tom Towler, the whip, who had toiled
+at his calling for twenty long years on fifty pounds and what he could
+'pick up,' was advanced to a hundred and fifty, with a couple of men under
+him. Instead of riding worn-out, tumble-down, twenty-pound screws, he was
+mounted on hundred-guinea horses, for which the dealers were to have a
+couple of hundred, <i>when they were paid</i>. Everything was in the same
+proportion.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles' succession to the hunt made a great commotion among the
+fair&mdash;many elegant and interesting young ladies, who had been going on the
+pious tack against the Reverend Solomon Winkeyes, the popular bachelor
+preacher of St. Margaret's, teaching in his schools, distributing his
+tracts, and collecting the penny subscriptions for his clothing club, now
+took to riding in fan-tailed habits and feathered hats, and talking about
+leaping and hunting, and riding over rails. Mr. Waffles had a pound of
+hat-strings sent him in a week, and muffatees innumerable. Some, we are
+sorry to say, worked him cigar-cases. He, in return, having expended a vast
+of toil and ingenuity in inventing a 'button,' now had several dozen of
+them worked up into brooches, which he scattered about with a liberal hand.
+It was not one of your matter-of-fact story-telling buttons&mdash;a fox with
+'<span class="smcap">tally-ho</span>,' or a fox's head grinning in grim <a name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a>death&mdash;making a red
+coat look like a miniature butcher's shamble, but it was one of your
+queer-twisting lettered concerns, that may pass either for a military
+button or a naval button, or a club button, or even for a livery button.
+The letters, two W's, were so skilfully entwined, that even a
+compositor&mdash;and compositors are people who can read almost anything&mdash;would
+have been puzzled to decipher it. The letters were gilt, riveted on steel,
+and the wearers of the button-brooches were very soon dubbed by the
+non-recipients, 'Mr. Waffles' sheep.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 176px;">
+<img src="images/image037.jpg" width="176" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>A fine button naturally requires a fine coat to put it on, and many were
+the consultations and propositions as to what it should be. Mr. Slocdolager
+had done nothing in the decorative department, and many thought the failure
+of funds was a good deal attributable to that fact. Mr. Waffles was not the
+man to lose an opportunity of adding another costume to his wardrobe, and
+after an infinity of trouble, and trials of almost all the colours of the
+rainbow, he at length settled the following uniform, which, at least, had
+the charm of novelty to recommend it. The morning, or hunt-coat, was to be
+scarlet, with a cream-coloured collar and cuffs; and the evening, or dress
+coat, was to be cream-colour, with a scarlet collar and cuffs, and scarlet
+silk facings and linings, looking as if the wearer had turned the morning
+one inside out. Waistcoats, and other articles of dress, were left to the
+choice of the wearer, experience having proved that they are articles it is
+impossible to legislate upon with any effect.</p>
+
+<p>The old ladies, bless their disinterested hearts, alone looked on the hound
+freak with other than feelings of approbation.</p>
+
+<p>They thought it a pity he should take them. They wished he mightn't injure
+himself&mdash;hounds were expensive things&mdash;led to habits of
+irregularity&mdash;should be <a name="Page_38" id="Page_38"></a>sorry to see such a nice young man as Mr. Waffles
+led astray&mdash;not that it would make any difference to them, <i>but</i>&mdash;(looking
+significantly at their daughters). No fox had been hunted by more hounds
+than Waffles had been by the ladies; but though he had chatted and prattled
+with fifty fair maids&mdash;any one of whom he might have found difficult to
+resist, if 'pinned' single-handed by, in a country house, yet the
+multiplicity of assailants completely neutralized each other, and verified
+the truth of the adage that there is 'safety in a crowd.'</p>
+
+<p>If pretty, lisping Miss Wordsworth thought she had shot an arrow home to
+his heart over night, a fresh smile and dart from little Mary Ogleby's dark
+eyes extracted it in the morning, and made him think of her till the
+commanding figure and noble air of the Honourable Miss Letitia Amelia
+Susannah Jemimah de Jenkins, in all the elegance of first-rate millinery
+and dressmakership, drove her completely from his mind, to be in turn
+displaced by some one more bewitching. Mr. Waffles was reputed to be made
+of money, and he went at it as though he thought it utterly impossible to
+get through it. He was greatly aided in his endeavours by the fact of its
+being all in the funds&mdash;a great convenience to the spendthrift. It keeps
+him constantly in cash, and enables him to 'cut and come again,' as quick
+as ever he likes. Land is not half so accommodating; neither is money on
+mortgage. What with time spent in investigating a title, or giving notice
+to 'pay in,' an industrious man wants a second loan by the time, or perhaps
+before, he gets the first. Acres are not easy of conversion, and the mere
+fact of wanting to sell implies a deficiency somewhere. With money in the
+funds, a man has nothing to do but lodge a power of attorney with his
+broker, and write up for four or five thousand pounds, just as he would
+write to his bootmaker for four or five pairs of boots, the only difference
+being, that in all probability the money would be down before the boots.
+Then, with money in the funds, a man keeps up his credit to the far
+end&mdash;the last thousand telling no more tales than the first, and making
+just as good a show.</p><p><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a></p>
+
+<p>We are almost afraid to say what Mr. Waffles' means were, but we really
+believe, at the time he came of age, that he had 100,000<i>l.</i> in the funds,
+which were nearly at 'par'&mdash;a term expressive of each hundred being worth a
+hundred, and not eighty-nine or ninety pounds as is now the case, which
+makes a considerable difference in the melting. Now a real <i>bona fide</i>
+100,000<i>l.</i> always counts as three in common parlance, which latter sum
+would yield a larger income than gilds the horizon of the most mercenary
+mother's mind, say ten thousand a-year, which we believe is generally
+allowed to be 'v&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;ry handsome.'</p>
+
+<p>No wonder, then, that Mr. Waffles was such a hero. Another great
+recommendation about him was, that he had not had time to be much plucked.
+Many of the young men of fortune that appear upon town have lost half their
+feathers on the race-course or the gaming-table before the ladies get a
+chance at them; but here was a nice, fresh-coloured youth, with all his
+downy verdure full upon him. It takes a vast of clothes, even at Oxford
+prices, to come to a thousand pounds, and if we allow four or five thousand
+for his other extravagances, he could not have done much harm to a hundred
+thousand.</p>
+
+<p>Our friend, soon finding that he was 'cock of the walk,' had no notion of
+exchanging his greatness for the nothingness of London, and, save going up
+occasionally to see about opening the flood-gates of his fortune, he spent
+nearly the whole summer at Laverick Wells. A fine season it was, too&mdash;the
+finest season the Wells had ever known. When at length the long London
+season closed, there was a rush of rank and fashion to the English
+watering-places, quite unparalleled in the 'recollection of the oldest
+inhabitants.' There were blooming widows in every stage of grief and woe,
+from the becoming cap to the fashionable corset and ball flounce&mdash;widows
+who would never forget the dear deceased, or think of any other
+man&mdash;<i>unless he had at least five thousand a year</i>. Lovely girls, who
+didn't care a farthing if the man was 'only handsome'; and smiling mammas
+'egging them on,' who would look very different when they came to the
+horrid &pound; s. d. And <a name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></a>this mercantile expression leads us to the observation
+that we know nothing so dissimilar as a trading town and a watering-place.
+In the one, all is bustle, hurry, and activity; in the other, people don't
+seem to know what to do to get through the day. The city and west-end
+present somewhat of the contrast, but not to the extent of manufacturing or
+sea-port towns and watering-places. Bathing-places are a shade better than
+watering-places in the way of occupation, for people can sit staring at the
+sea, counting the ships, or polishing their nails with a shell, whereas at
+watering-places, they have generally little to do but stare at and talk of
+each other, and mark the progress of the day, by alternately drinking at
+the wells, eating at the hotels, and wandering between the library and the
+railway station. The ladies get on better, for where there are ladies there
+are always fine shops, and what between turning over the goods, and
+sweeping the streets with their trains, making calls, and arranging
+partners for balls, they get through their time very pleasantly; but what
+is 'life' to them is often death to the men.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+
+<h3>LAVERICK WELLS</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 194px;">
+<img src="images/image040.jpg" width="194" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>he flattering accounts Mr. Sponge read in the papers of the distinguished
+company assembled at Laverick Wells, together with details of the princely
+magnificence of the wealthy commoner, Mr. Waffles, who appeared to
+entertain all the world at dinner after each day's hunting made Mr. Sponge
+think it would be a very likely place to suit him. Accordingly, thither he
+despatched<a name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a> Mr. Leather with the redoubtable horses by the road, intending
+to follow in as many hours by the rail as it took them days to trudge on
+foot.</p>
+
+<p>Railways have helped hunting as well as other things, and enables a man to
+glide down into the grass 'sheers,' as Mr. Buckram calls them, with as
+little trouble, and in as short a time almost, as it took him to accomplish
+a meet at Croydon, or at the Magpies at Staines. But to our groom and
+horses.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was too good a judge to disfigure the horses with the miserable,
+pulpy, weather-bleached job-saddles and bridles of 'livery,' but had them
+properly turned out with well-made, slightly-worn London ones of his own,
+and nice, warm brown woollen rugs, below broadly bound,
+blue-and-white-striped sheeting, with richly braided lettering, and blue
+and white cordings. A good saddle and bridle makes a difference of ten
+pounds in the looks of almost any horse. There is no need because a man
+rides a hack horse to proclaim it to all the world; a fact that few hack
+horse letters seem to be aware of. Perhaps, indeed, they think to advertise
+them by means of their inferior appointments.</p>
+
+<p>Leather, too, did his best to keep up appearances, and turned out in a very
+stud-groomish-looking, basket-button'd, brown cutaway, with a clean striped
+vest, ample white cravat, drab breeches and boots, that looked as though
+they had brushed through a few bullfinches; and so they had, but not with
+Leather's legs in them, for he had bought them second-hand of a pad groom
+in distress. His hands were encased in cat's-skin sable gloves, showing
+that he was a gentleman who liked to be comfortable. Thus accoutred, he
+rode down Broad Street at Laverick Wells, looking like a fine, faithful old
+family servant, with a slight scorbutic affection of the nose. He had
+everything correctly arranged in true sporting marching order. The
+collar-shanks were neatly coiled under the headstalls, the clothing tightly
+rolled and balanced above the little saddle-bags on the led horse, 'Multum
+in Parvo's' back, with the story-telling whip sticking through the roller.</p><p><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a></p>
+
+<p>Leather arrived at Laverick Wells just as the first shades of a November
+night were drawing on, and anxious mammas and careful <i>chaperons</i> were
+separating their fair charges from their respective admirers and the
+dreaded night air, leaving the streets to the gaslight men and youths 'who
+love the moon.' The girls having been withdrawn, licentious youths linked
+arms, and bore down the broad <i>pav&eacute;</i>, quizzing this person, laughing at
+that, and staring the pin-stickers and straw-chippers out of countenance.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's an arrival!' exclaimed one. 'Dash my buttons, who have we here?'
+asked another, as Leather hove in sight. 'That's not a bad looking horse,'
+observed a third. 'Bid him five pounds for it for me,' rejoined a fourth.</p>
+
+<p>'I say, old Bardolph! who do them 'ere quadrupeds belong to?' asked one,
+taking a scented cigar out of his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>Leather, though as impudent a dog as any of them, and far more than a match
+for the best of them at a tournament of slang, being on his preferment,
+thought it best to be civil, and replied, with a touch of his hat, that
+they were 'Mr. Sponge's.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! old sponge biscuits!&mdash;I know him!' exclaimed a youth in a Tweed
+wrapper. 'My father married his aunt. Give my love to him, and tell him to
+breakfast with me at six in the morning&mdash;he! he! he!'</p>
+
+<p>'I say, old boy, that copper-coloured quadruped hasn't got all his shoes on
+before,' squeaked a childish voice, now raised for the first time.</p>
+
+<p>'That's intended, gov'nor,' growled Leather, riding on, indignant at the
+idea of any one attempting to 'sell him' with such an old stable joke. So
+Leather passed on through the now splendidly lit up streets, the large
+plate-glass windowed shops, radiant with gas, exhibiting rich,
+many-coloured velvets, silver gauzes, ribbons without end, fancy flowers,
+elegant shawls labelled 'Very chaste,' 'Patronized by Royalty,' 'Quite the
+go!' and white kid-gloves in such profusion that there seemed to be a pair
+for every person in the place.</p><p><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></a></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Leather established himself at the 'Eclipse Livery and Bait Stables,'
+in Pegasus Street, or Peg Street, as it is generally called, where he
+enacted the character of stud-groom to perfection, doing nothing himself,
+but seeing that others did his work, and strutting consequentially with the
+corn-sieves at feeding time.</p>
+
+<p>After Leather's long London experience, it is natural to suppose that he
+would not be long in falling in with some old acquaintance at a place like
+the 'Wells,' and the first night fortunately brought him in contact with a
+couple of grooms who had had the honour of his acquaintance when in all the
+radiance of his glass-blown wigged prosperity as body-coachman to the Duke
+of Dazzleton, and who knew nothing of the treadmill, or his subsequent
+career. This introduction served with his own easy assurance, and the
+deference country servants always pay to London ones, at once to give him
+standing, and it is creditable to the etiquette of servitude to say, that
+on joining the 'Mutton Chop and Mealy Potato Club,' at the Cat and
+Bagpipes, on the second night after his arrival, the whole club rose to
+receive him on entering, and placed him in the post of honour, on the right
+of the president.</p>
+
+<p>He was very soon quite at home with the whole of them, and ready to tell
+anything he knew of the great families in which he had lived. Of course, he
+abused the duke's place, and said he had been obliged to give him 'hup' at
+last, 'bein' quite an unpossible man to live with; indeed, his only wonder
+was, that he had been able to put hup with him so long.' The duchess was a
+'good cretur,' he said, and, indeed, it was mainly on her account that he
+stayed, but as to the duke, he was&mdash;everything that was bad, in short.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, on the other hand, had no reason to complain of the colours in
+which his stud-groom painted him. Instead of being the shirtless strapper
+of a couple of vicious hack hunters, Leather made himself out to be the
+general superintendent of the opulent owner of a large stud. The exact
+number varied with the number <a name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></a>of glasses of grog Leather had taken, but he
+never had less than a dozen, and sometimes as many as twenty hunters under
+his care. These, he said, were planted all over the kingdom; some at
+Melton, to ''unt with the Quorn'; some at Northampton, to ''unt with the
+Pytchley'; some at Lincoln, to ''unt with Lord 'Enry'; and some at Louth,
+to ''unt with'&mdash;he didn't know who. What a fine flattering, well-spoken
+world this is, when the speaker can raise his own consequence by our
+elevation! One would think that 'envy, hatred, malice, and all
+uncharitableness' had gone to California. A weak-minded man might have his
+head turned by hearing the description given of him by his friends. But
+hear the same party on the running-down tack!&mdash;when either his own
+importance is not involved, or dire offence makes it worth his while 'to
+cut off his nose to spite his face.' No one would recognize the portrait
+then drawn as one of the same individual.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Leather, as we said before, was in the laudatory strain, but, like many
+indiscreet people, he overdid it. Not content with magnifying the stud to
+the liberal extent already described, he must needs puff his master's
+riding, and indulge in insinuations about 'showing them all the way,' and
+so on. Now nothing 'aggrawates' other grooms so much as this sort of
+threat, and few things travel quicker than these sort of vapourings to
+their masters' ears. Indeed, we can only excuse the lengths to which
+Leather went, on the ground of his previous coaching career not having
+afforded him a due insight into the delicacies of the hunting stable; it
+being remembered that he was only now acting as stud-groom for the first
+time. However, be that as it may, he brewed up a pretty storm, and the
+longer it raged the stronger it became.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord dash it!' exclaimed young Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider,
+bursting into Scorer's billiard-room in the midst of a full gathering, who
+were looking on at a grand game of poule, 'Ord dash it! there's a fellow
+coming who swears by Jove that he'll take the shine out of us all, "cut us
+all down!"'</p><p><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I'll play him for what he likes!' exclaimed the cool, coatless Captain
+Macer, striking his ball away for a cannon.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang your play!' replied Spareneck; 'you're always thinking of play&mdash;it's
+hunting I'm talking of.' bringing his heavy, silver-mounted jockey-whip a
+crack down his leg.</p>
+
+<p>'You don't say so!' exclaimed Sam Shortcut, who had been flattered into
+riding rather harder than he liked, and feared his pluck might be put to
+the test.</p>
+
+<p>'What a ruffian!'&mdash;(puff)&mdash;observed Mr. Waffles, taking his cigar from his
+mouth as he sat on the bench, dressed as a racket-player, looking on at the
+game, 'he shalln't ride roughshod over us.'</p>
+
+<p>'That he shalln't!' exclaimed Caingey Thornton, Mr. Waffles's premier
+toady, and constant trencherman.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll ride him!' rejoined Mr. Spareneck, jockeying his arms, and
+flourishing his whip as if he was at work, adding: 'his old brandy-nosed,
+frosty-whiskered trumpeter of a groom says he's coming down by the five
+o'clock train. I vote we go and meet him&mdash;invite him to a steeple-chase by
+moonlight.'</p>
+
+<p>'I vote we go and see him, at all events,' observed Frank Hoppey, laying
+down his cue and putting on his coat, adding, 'I should like to see a man
+bold enough to beard a whole hunt&mdash;especially such a hunt as <i>ours</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'Finish the game first,' observed Captain Macer, who had rather the best of
+it.</p>
+
+<p>'No, leave the balls as they are till we come back,' rejoined Ned Stringer;
+'we shall be late. See, it's only ten <i>to</i>, now,' continued he, pointing to
+the timepiece above the fire; whereupon there was a putting away of cues,
+hurrying on of coats, seeking of hats, sorting of sticks, and a general
+desertion of the room for the railway station.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 336px;">
+<img src="images/image046.jpg" width="336" height="369" alt="MR. SPONGE ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+
+<h3>OUR HERO ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Punctual to the moment, the railway train, conveying the redoubtable
+genius, glid into the well-lighted, elegant little station of Laverick
+Wells, and out of a first-class carriage emerged Mr. Sponge, in a 'down the
+road' coat, carrying a horse-sheet wrapper in his hand. So small and
+insignificant did the station seem after the gigantic ones of London, that
+Mr. Sponge thought he had wasted his money in taking a first-class ticket,
+seeing there was no one to know. Mr. Leather, who was in attendance, having
+received him hat in hand, with all <a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a>the deference due to the master of
+twenty hunters, soon undeceived him on that point. Having eased him of his
+wrapper, and inquired about his luggage, and despatched a porter for a fly,
+they stood together over the portmanteau and hat-box till it arrived.</p>
+
+<p>'How are the horses?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the osses be nicely, sir,' replied Leather; 'they travelled down
+uncommon well, and I've had 'em both removed sin they com'd, so either on
+'em is fit to go i' the mornin' that you think proper.'</p>
+
+<p>'Where are the hounds?' asked our hero.</p>
+
+<p>''Ounds be at Whirleypool Windmill,' replied Leather, 'that's about five
+miles off.'</p>
+
+<p>'What sort of country is it?' inquired Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'It be a stiffish country from all accounts, with a good deal o' water
+jumpin'; that is to say, the Liffey runs twistin' and twinin' about it like
+a H'Eel.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then I'd better ride the brown, I think,' observed Sponge, after a pause:
+'he has size and stride enough to cover anything, if he will but face
+water.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll warrant him for that,' replied Leather; 'only let the Latchfords well
+into him, and he'll go.'</p>
+
+<p>'Are there many hunting-men down?' inquired our friend casually.</p>
+
+<p>'Great many,' replied Leather, 'great many; some good 'ands among 'em too;
+at least to say their grums, though I never believe all these jockeys say.
+There be some on 'em 'ere now,' observed Leather, in an undertone, with a
+wink of his roguish eye, and jerk of his head towards where a knot of them
+stood eyeing our friend most intently.</p>
+
+<p>'Which?' inquired Sponge, looking about the thinly peopled station.</p>
+
+<p>'There,' replied Leather, 'those by the book-stall. That be Mr. Waffles,'
+continued he, giving his master a touch in the ribs as he jerked his
+portmanteau into a fly, 'that be Mr. Waffles,' repeated he, with a knowing
+leer.</p>
+
+<p>'Which?' inquired Mr. Sponge eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>'The gent in the green wide-awake 'at, and big-button'd overcoat,' replied
+Leather, 'jest now a speakin' to the youth in the tweed and all tweed; that
+be Master<a name="Page_48" id="Page_48"></a> Caingey Thornton, as big a little blackguard as any in the
+place&mdash;lives upon Waffles, and yet never has a good word to say for him,
+no, nor for no one else&mdash;and yet to 'ear the little devil a-talkin' to him,
+you'd really fancy he believed there wasn't not never sich another man i'
+the world as Waffles&mdash;not another sich rider&mdash;not another sich
+racket-player&mdash;not another sich pigeon-shooter&mdash;not another sich fine chap
+altogether.'</p>
+
+<p>'Has Thornton any horses?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Not he,' replied Leather, 'not he, nor the gen'lman next him nouther&mdash;he,
+in the pilot coat, with the whip sticking out of the pocket, nor the one in
+the coffee-coloured 'at, nor none on 'em in fact'; adding, 'they all live
+on Squire Waffles&mdash;breakfast with him&mdash;dine with him&mdash;drink with him&mdash;smoke
+with him&mdash;and if any on 'em 'appen to 'ave an 'orse, why they sell to him,
+and so ride for nothin' themselves.'</p>
+
+<p>'A convenient sort of gentleman,' observed Mr. Sponge, thinking he, too,
+might accommodate him.</p>
+
+<p>The fly-man now touched his hat, indicative of a wish to be off, having a
+fare waiting elsewhere. Mr. Sponge directed him to proceed to the Brunswick
+Hotel, while, accompanied by Leather, he proceeded on foot to the stables.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Leather, of course, had the valuable stud under lock and key, with
+every crevice and air-hole well stuffed with straw, as if they had been the
+most valuable horses in the world. Having produced the ring-key from his
+pocket, Mr. Leather opened the door, and having got his master in, speedily
+closed it, lest a breath of fresh air might intrude. Having lighted a
+lucifer, he turned on the gas, and exhibited the blooming-coated horses,
+well littered in straw, showing that he was not the man to pay
+four-and-twenty shillings a week for nothing. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing them
+for some seconds with evident approbation.</p>
+
+<p>'If any one asks you about the horses, you can say they are <i>mine</i>, you
+know,' at length observed he casually, with an emphasis on the mine.</p>
+
+<p>'In course,' replied Leather.</p>
+
+<p>'I mean, you needn't say anything about their being<a name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a> <i>jobs</i>,' observed
+Sponge, fearing Leather mightn't exactly 'take.'</p>
+
+<p>'You trust me,' replied Leather, with a knowing wink and a jerk of his
+elbow against his master's side; 'you trust me,' repeated he, with a look
+as much as to say, 'we understand each other.'</p>
+
+<p>'I've hadded a few to them, indeed,' continued Leather, looking to see how
+his master took it.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you?' observed Mr. Sponge inquiringly.</p>
+
+<p>'I've made out that you've as good as twenty, one way or another,' observed
+Leather; 'some 'ere, some there, all over in fact, and that you jest run
+about the country, and 'unt with 'oever comes h'uppermost.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, and what's the upshot of it all?' inquired Mr. Sponge, thinking his
+groom seemed wonderfully enthusiastic in his interest.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, the hupshot of it is,' replied Leather, 'that the men are all mad,
+and the women all wild to see you. I hear at my club, the Mutton Chop and
+Mealy Potato Club, which is frequented by flunkies as well as grums, that
+there's nothin' talked of at dinner or tea, but the terrible rich stranger
+that's a comin', and the gals are all pulling caps, who's to have the first
+chance.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, chuckling at the sensation he was creating.</p>
+
+<p>'The Miss Shapsets, there be five on 'em, have had a game at fly loo for
+you,' continued Leather, 'at least so their little maid tells me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Fly <i>what</i>?' inquired Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Fly loo,' repeated Leather, 'fly loo.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge shook his head. For once he was not 'fly.'</p>
+
+<p>'You see,' continued Leather, in explanation, 'their father is one of them
+tight-laced candlestick priests wot abhors all sorts of wice and
+himmorality, and won't stand card playin', or gamblin', or nothin' o' that
+sort, so the young ladies when they want to settle a point, who's to be
+married first, or who's to have the richest 'usband, play fly loo. 'Sposing
+it's at breakfast time, they all sit quiet and sober like round the table,
+lookin' as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, and each has <a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a>a lump o'
+sugar on her plate, or by her cup, or somewhere, and whoever can 'tice a
+fly to come to her sugar first, wins the wager, or whatever it is they play
+for.'</p>
+
+<p>'Five on 'em,' as Leather said, being a hopeless number to extract any good
+from, Mr. Sponge changed the subject by giving orders for the morrow.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge's appearance being decidedly of the sporting order, and his
+horses maintaining the character, did not alleviate the agitated minds of
+the sporting beholders, ruffled as they were with the threatening,
+vapouring insinuations of the coachman-groom, Peter Leather. There is
+nothing sets men's backs up so readily, as a hint that any one is coming to
+take the 'shine' out of them across country. We have known the most deadly
+feuds engendered between parties who never spoke to each other by adroit
+go-betweens reporting to each what the other said, or, perhaps, did not
+say, but what the 'go-betweens' knew would so rouse the British lion as to
+make each ride to destruction if necessary.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a varmint-looking chap,' observed Mr. Waffles, as the party returned
+from the railway station; 'shouldn't wonder if he can go&mdash;dare say he'll
+try&mdash;shouldn't wonder if he's floored&mdash;awfully stiff country this for
+horses that are not used to it&mdash;most likely his are Leicestershire nags,
+used to fly&mdash;won't do here. If he attempts to take some of our big banked
+bullfinches in his stride, with a yawner on each side, will get into
+grief.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang him,' interrupted Caingey Thornton, 'there are good men in all
+countries.'</p>
+
+<p>'So there are!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider.</p>
+
+<p>'I've no notion of a fellow lording it, because he happens to come out of
+Leicestershire,' rejoined Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'Nor I!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck.</p>
+
+<p>'Why doesn't he stay in Leicestershire?' asked Mr. Hoppey, now raising his
+voice for the first time&mdash;adding, 'Who asked him here?'</p>
+
+<p>'Who, indeed?' sneered Mr. Thornton.</p><p><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a></p>
+
+<p>In this mood our friends arrived at the Imperial Hotel, where there was
+always a dinner the day before hunting&mdash;a dinner that, somehow, was served
+up in Mr. Waffles's rooms, who was allowed the privilege of paying for all
+those who did not pay for themselves; rather a considerable number, we
+believe.</p>
+
+<p>The best of everything being good enough for the guests, and profuse
+liberality the order of the day, the cloth generally disappeared before a
+contented audience, whatever humour they might have set down in. As the
+least people can do who dine at an inn and don't pay their own shot, is to
+drink the health of the man who does pay, Mr. Waffles was always lauded and
+applauded to the skies&mdash;such a master&mdash;such a sportsman&mdash;such
+knowledge&mdash;such science&mdash;such a pattern-card. On this occasion the toast
+was received with extra enthusiasm, for the proposer, Mr. Caingey Thornton,
+who was desperately in want of a mount, after going the rounds of the old
+laudatory course, alluded to the threatened vapourings of the stranger, and
+expressed his firm belief that he would 'meet with his match,' a 'taking of
+the bull by the horns,' that met with very considerable favour from the
+wine-flushed party, the majority of whom, at that moment, made very
+'small,' in their own minds, of the biggest fence that ever was seen.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing so easy as going best pace over the mahogany.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles, who was received with considerable applause, and patting of
+the table, responded to the toast in his usual felicitous style, assuring
+the company that he lived but for the enjoyment of their charming society,
+and that all the money in the world would be useless, if he hadn't Laverick
+Wells to spend it in. With regard to the vapourings of a 'certain
+gentleman,' he thought it would be very odd if some of them could not take
+the shine out of him, observing that 'Brag' was a good dog, but 'Holdfast'
+was a better, with certain other sporting similes and phrases, all
+indicative of showing fight. The steam is soon got up after dinner, and as
+they were all of the same mind, and <a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a>all agreed that a gross insult had
+been offered to the hunt in general, and themselves in particular, the only
+question was, how to revenge it. At last they hit upon it. Old Slocdolager,
+the late master of the hunt, had been in the habit of having Tom Towler,
+the huntsman, to his lodgings the night before hunting, where, over a glass
+of gin-and-water, they discussed the doings of the day, and the general
+arrangements of the country.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles had had him in sometimes, though for a different purpose&mdash;at
+least, in reality for a different purpose, though he always made hunting
+the excuse for sending for him, and that purpose was, to try how many
+silver foxes' heads full of port wine Tom could carry off without tumbling,
+and the old fellow being rather liquorishly inclined, had never made any
+objection to the experiment. Mr. Waffles now wanted him, to endeavour,
+under the mellowing influence of drink, to get him to enter cordially into
+what he knew would be distasteful to the old sportsman's feelings, namely,
+to substitute a 'drag' for the legitimate find and chase of the fox.
+Fox-hunting, though exciting and exhilarating at all times, except,
+perhaps, when the 'fallows are flying,' and the sportsman feels that in all
+probability, the further he goes the further he is left
+behind&mdash;Fox-hunting, we say, though exciting and exhilarating, does not,
+when the real truth is spoken, present such conveniences for neck-breaking,
+as people, who take their ideas from Mr. Ackermann's print-shop window,
+imagine. That there are large places in most fences is perfectly true; but
+that there are also weak ones is also the fact, and a practised eye catches
+up the latter uncommonly quick. Therefore, though a madman may ride at the
+big places, a sane man is not expected to follow; and even should any one
+be tempted so to do, the madman having acted pioneer, will have cleared the
+way, or at all events proved its practicability for the follower.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to this, however, hounds having to smell as they go, cannot
+travel at the ultra steeple-chase pace, so opposed to 'looking before you
+leap,' and so conducive to danger and difficulty, and as going even at a
+<a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a>fair pace depends upon the state of the atmosphere, and the scent the fox
+leaves behind, it is evident that where mere daring hard riding is the
+object, a fox-hunt cannot be depended upon for furnishing the necessary
+accommodation. A drag-hunt is quite a different thing. The drag can be made
+to any strength; enabling hounds to run as if they were tied to it, and can
+be trailed so as to bring in all the dangerous places in the country with a
+certain air of plausibility, enabling a man to look round and exclaim, as
+he crams at a bullfinch or brook, 'he's leading us over a most desperate
+country&mdash;never saw such fencing in all my life!' Drag-hunting, however, as
+we said before, is not popular with sportsmen, certainly not with huntsmen,
+and though our friends with their wounded feelings determined to have one,
+they had yet to smooth over old Tom to get him to come into their views.
+That was now the difficulty.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>OLD TOM TOWLER</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image053.jpg" width="200" height="165" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>here are few more difficult persons to identify than a huntsman in
+undress, and of all queer ones perhaps old Tom Towler was the queerest. Tom
+in his person furnished an apt illustration of the right appropriation of
+talent and the fitness of things, for he would neither have made a groom,
+nor a coachman, nor a postillion, nor a footman, nor a ploughman, nor a
+mechanic, nor anything we know of, and yet he was first-rate as a huntsman.
+He was too weak for a groom, too small for a coachman, too ugly for a
+postillion, too stunted for a footman, too light for a ploughman, too
+useless-looking for almost anything.</p><p><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a></p>
+
+<p>Any one looking at him in 'mufti' would exclaim, 'what an unfortunate
+object!' and perhaps offer him a penny, while in his hunting habiliments
+lords would hail him with, 'Well, Tom, how are you?' and baronets ask him
+'how he was?' Commoners felt honoured by his countenance, and yet, but for
+hunting, Tom would have been wasted&mdash;a cypher&mdash;an inapplicable sort of man.
+Old Tom, in his scarlet coat, black cap, and boots, and Tom in his
+undress&mdash;say, shirt-sleves, shorts, grey stockings and shoes, bore about
+the same resemblance to each other that a three months dead jay nailed to a
+keeper's lodge bears to the bright-plumaged bird when flying about. On
+horseback, Tom was a cockey, wiry-looking, keen-eyed, grim-visaged,
+hard-bitten little fellow, sitting as though he and his horse were all one,
+while on foot he was the most shambling, scambling, crooked-going crab that
+ever was seen. He was a complete mash of a man. He had been scalped by the
+branch of a tree, his nose knocked into a thing like a button by the kick
+of a horse, his teeth sent down his throat by a fall, his collar-bone
+fractured, his left leg broken and his right arm ditto, to say nothing of
+damage to his ribs, fingers, and feet, and having had his face scarified
+like pork by repeated brushings through strong thorn fences.</p>
+
+<p>But we will describe him as he appeared before Mr. Waffles, and the
+gentlemen of the Laverick Wells Hunt, on the night of Mr. Sponge's arrival.
+Tom's spirit being roused at hearing the boastings of Mr. Leather, and
+thinking, perhaps, his master might have something to say, or thinking,
+perhaps, to partake of the eleemosynary drink generally going on in large
+houses of public entertainment, had taken up his quarters in the bar of the
+'Imperial,' where he was attentively perusing the 'meets' in <i>Bell's Life</i>,
+reading how the Atherstone met at Gopsall, the Bedale at Hornby, the
+Cottesmore at Tilton Wood, and so on, with an industry worthy of a better
+cause; for Tom neither knew country, nor places, nor masters, nor hounds,
+nor huntsmen, nor anything, though he still felt an interest in reading
+where they were going to hunt. Thus he sat with a quick ear, one <a name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a>of the
+few undamaged organs of his body, cocked to hear if Tom Towler was asked
+for; when a waiter dropping his name from the landing of the staircase to
+the hall porter, asking if anybody had seen anything of him, Tom folded up
+his paper, put it in his pocket, and passing his hand over the few
+straggling bristles yet sticking about his bald head, proceeded, hat in
+hand, upstairs to his master's room.</p>
+
+<p>His appearance called forth a round of view halloos! Who-hoops! Tally-ho's!
+Hark forwards! amidst which, and the waving of napkins, and general noises,
+Tom proceeded at a twisting, limping, halting, sideways sort of scramble up
+the room. His crooked legs didn't seem to have an exact understanding with
+his body which way they were to go; one, the right one, being evidently
+inclined to lurch off to the side, while the left one went stamp, stamp,
+stamp, as if equally determined to resist any deviation.</p>
+
+<p>At length he reached the top of the table, where sat his master, with the
+glittering Fox's head before him. Having made a sort of scratch bow, Tom
+proceeded to stand at ease, as it were, on the left leg, while he placed
+the late recusant right, which was a trifle shorter, as a prop behind. No
+one, to look at the little wizen'd old man in the loose dark frock, baggy
+striped waistcoat, and patent cord breeches, extending below where the
+calves of his bow legs ought to have been, would have supposed that it was
+the noted huntsman and dashing rider, Tom Towler, whose name was celebrated
+throughout the country. He might have been a village tailor, or sexton, or
+barber; anything but a hero.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Tom,' said Mr. Waffles, taking up the Fox's head, as Tom came to
+anchor by his side, 'how are you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Nicely, thank you, sir,' replied Tom, giving the bald head another sweep.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles.&mdash;'What'll you drink?'</p>
+
+<p>Tom.&mdash;'Port, if you please, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'There it is for you, then,' said Mr. Waffles, brimming the Fox's head,
+which held about the third of a bottle (an inn bottle at least), and
+handing it to him.</p>
+
+<p>'Gentlemen all,' said Tom, passing his sleeve across <a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a>his mouth, and
+casting a side-long glance at the company as he raised the cup to drink
+their healths.</p>
+
+<p>He quaffed it off at a draught.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Tom, and what shall we do to-morrow?' asked Mr. Waffles, as Tom
+replaced the Fox's head, nose uppermost, on the table.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 296px;">
+<img src="images/image056.jpg" width="296" height="375" alt="OLD TOM TOWLER" title="" />
+<span class="caption">OLD TOM TOWLER</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Why, we must draw Ribston Wood fust, I s'pose,' replied Tom, 'and then on
+to Bradwell Grove, unless you thought well of tryin' Chesterton Common on
+the road, or&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Aye, aye,' interrupted Waffles, 'I know all that; <a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a>but what I want to know
+is, whether we can make sure of a run. We want to give this great
+metropolitan swell a benefit. You know who I mean?'</p>
+
+<p>'The gen'leman as is com'd to the Brunswick, I 'spose,' replied Tom; 'at
+least as <i>is</i> comin', for I've not heard that he's com'd yet.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, but he <i>has</i>,' replied Mr. Waffles, 'and I make no doubt will be out
+to-morrow.'</p>
+
+<p>'S&mdash;o&mdash;o,' observed Tom, in a long drawled note.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now! do you think you can engage to give us a run?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, seeing his huntsman did not seem inclined to help him to his
+point.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll do my best,' replied Tom, cautiously running the many contingencies
+through his mind.</p>
+
+<p>'Take another drop of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again raising the Fox's
+head. 'What'll you have?'</p>
+
+<p>'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.</p>
+
+<p>'There,' said Mr. Waffles, handing him another bumper; 'drink Fox-hunting.'</p>
+
+<p>'Fox-huntin',' said old Tom, quaffing off the measure, as before. A flush
+of life came into his weather-beaten face, just as a glow of heat enlivens
+a blacksmith's hearth, after a touch of the bellows.</p>
+
+<p>'You must never let this bumptious cock beat us,' observed Mr. Waffles.</p>
+
+<p>'No&mdash;o&mdash;o,' replied Tom, adding, 'there's no fear of that.'</p>
+
+<p>'But he swears he <i>will</i>!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton. 'He swears there
+isn't a man shall come within a field of him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' observed Tom, with a twinkle of his little bright eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'I tell you what, Tom,' observed Mr. Waffles, 'we must sarve him out,
+somehow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! he'll sarve hissel' out, in all probability,' replied Tom; carelessly
+adding, 'these boastin' chaps always do.'</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't we contrive something,' asked Mr. Waffles, 'to draw him out?'</p>
+
+<p>Tom was silent. He was a hunting huntsman, not a riding one.</p><p><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Have a glass of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again appealing to the Fox's
+head.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, sir, I've had a glass,' replied Tom, sinking the second one.</p>
+
+<p>'What will you have?' asked Mr. Waffles.</p>
+
+<p>'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.</p>
+
+<p>'Here it is,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, again handing him the measure.</p>
+
+<p>Up went the cup, over went the contents; but Tom set it down with a less
+satisfied face than before. He had had enough. The left leg prop, too, gave
+way, and he was nearly toppling on the table.</p>
+
+<p>Having got a chair for the dilapidated old man, they again essayed to get
+him into their line, with better success than before. Having plied him well
+with port, they now plied him well with the stranger, and what with the one
+and the other, and a glass or two of brandy-and-water, Tom became very
+tractable, and it was ultimately arranged that they should have a drag over
+the very stiffest parts of the country, wherein all who liked should take
+part, but that Mr. Caingey Thornton and Mr. Spareneck should be especially
+deputed to wait upon Mr. Sponge, and lead him into mischief. Of course it
+was to be a 'profound secret,' and equally, of course, it stood a good
+chance of being kept, seeing how many were in it, the additional number it
+would have to be communicated to before it could be carried out, and the
+happy state old Tom was in for arranging matters. Nevertheless, our friends
+at the 'Imperial' congratulated themselves on their success; and after a
+few minutes spent in discussing old Tom on his withdrawal, the party broke
+up, to array themselves in the splendid dress uniform of the 'Hunt,' to
+meet again at Miss Jumpheavy's ball.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE MEET&mdash;THE FIND, AND THE FINISH</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 159px;">
+<img src="images/image059.jpg" width="159" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>arly to bed and early to rise being among Mr. Sponge's maxims, he was
+enjoying the view of the pantiles at the back of his hotel shortly after
+daylight the next morning, a time about as difficult to fix in a November
+day as the age of a lady of a 'certain age.' It takes even an expeditious
+dresser ten minutes or a quarter of an hour extra the first time he has to
+deal with boots and breeches; and Mr. Sponge being quite a pattern card in
+his peculiar line, of course took a good deal more to get himself 'up'.</p>
+
+<p>An accustomed eye could see a more than ordinary stir in the streets that
+morning. Riding-masters and their assistants might be seen going along with
+strings of saddled and side-saddled screws; flys began to roll at an
+earlier hour, and natty tigers to kick about in buckskins prior to
+departing with hunters, good, bad, and indifferent.</p>
+
+<p>Each man had told his partner at Miss Jumpheavy's ball of the capital trick
+they were going to play the stranger; and a desire to see the stranger, far
+more than a desire to see the trick, caused many fair ones to forsake their
+downy couches who had much better have kept them.</p>
+
+<p>The world is generally very complaisant with regard to strangers, so long
+as they <i>are</i> strangers, generally making them out to be a good deal better
+than they really are, and Mr. Sponge came in for his full share of stranger
+credit. They not only brought all the twenty horses Leather said he had
+scattered about to Laverick Wells, but made him out to have a house in
+Eaton<a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a> Square, a yacht at Cowes, and a first-rate moor in Scotland, and
+some said a peerage in expectancy. No wonder that he 'drew,' as theatrical
+people say.</p>
+
+<p>Let us now suppose him breakfasted, and ready for a start.</p>
+
+<p>He was 'got up' with uncommon care in the most complete style of the severe
+order of sporting costume. It being now the commencement of the legitimate
+hunting season&mdash;the first week in November&mdash;he availed himself of the
+privileged period for turning out in everything new. Rejecting the now
+generally worn cap, he adhered to the heavy, close-napped hat, described in
+our opening chapter, whose connexion with his head, or back, if it came
+off, was secured by a small black silk cord, hooked through the band by a
+fox's tooth, and anchored to a button inside the haven of his low
+coat-collar. His neck was enveloped in the ample folds of a large white
+silk cravat, tied in a pointing diamond tie, and secured with a large
+silver horse-shoe pin, the shoe being almost large enough for the foot of a
+young donkey.</p>
+
+<p>His low, narrow-collared coat was of the infinitesimal order; that is to
+say, a coat, and yet as little of a coat as possible&mdash;very near a jacket,
+in fact. The seams, of course, were outside, and were it not for the
+extreme strength and evenness of the sewing and the evident intention of
+the thing, an ignorant person might have supposed that he had had his coat
+turned. A double layer of cloth extended the full length of the outside of
+the sleeves, much in the fashion of the stage-coachmen's greatcoats in
+former times; and instead of cuffs, the sleeves were carried out to the
+ends of the fingers, leaving it to the fancy of the wearer to sport a long
+cuff or a short cuff, or no cuff at all&mdash;just as the weather dictated.
+Though the coat was single-breasted, he had a hole made on the button side,
+to enable him to keep it together by means of a miniature snaffle, instead
+of a button. The snaffle passed across his chest, from whence the coatee,
+flowing easily back, displayed the broad ridge and furrow of a white cord
+waistcoat, with a low step collar, the vest reaching low down his figure,
+with large flap pockets and a nick out in front, like a <a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a>coachman's.
+Instead of buttons, the waistcoat was secured with foxes' tusks and catgut
+loops, while a heavy curb chain, passing from one pocket to the other,
+raised the impression that there was a watch in one and a bunch of seals in
+the other. The waistcoat was broadly bound with white binding, and, like
+the coat, evinced great strength and powers of resistance. His breeches
+were of a still broader furrow than the waistcoat, looking as if the
+ploughman had laid two ridges into one. They came low down the leg, and
+were met by a pair of well-made, well put on, very brown topped boots, a
+colour then unknown at Laverick Wells. His spurs were bright and heavy,
+with formidable necks and rowels, whose slightest touch would make a horse
+wince, and put him on his good behaviour.</p>
+
+<p>Nor did the great slapping brown horse, Hercules, turn out less imposingly
+than his master. Leather, though not the man to work himself, had a very
+good idea of work, and right manfully he made the helpers at the Eclipse
+livery and bait stables strap and groom his horses. Hercules was a fine
+animal. It did not require a man to be a great judge of a horse to see
+that. Even the ladies, though perhaps they would rather have had him a
+white or a cream colour, could not but admire his nut-brown muzzle, his
+glossy coat, his silky mane, and the elegant way in which he carried his
+flowing tail. His step was delightful to look at&mdash;so free, so accurate, and
+so easy. And that reminds us that we may as well be getting Mr. Sponge
+up&mdash;a feat of no easy accomplishment. Few hack hunters are without their
+little peculiarities. Some are runaways&mdash;some kick&mdash;some bite&mdash;some go tail
+first on the road&mdash;some go tail first at their fences&mdash;some rush as if they
+were going to eat them, others baulk them altogether&mdash;and few, very few,
+give satisfaction. Those that do, generally retire from the public stud to
+the private one. But to our particular quadruped, 'Hercules.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was not without his misgivings that, regardless of being on his
+preferment, the horse might exhibit more of his peculiarity than would
+forward his master's interests, and, independently of the disagreeableness
+<a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a>of being kicked off at the cover side, not being always compensated for by
+falling soft, Mr. Sponge thought, as the meet was not far off, and he did
+not sport a cover hack, it would look quite as well to ride his horse
+quietly on as go in a fly, provided always he could accomplish the
+mount&mdash;the mount&mdash;like the man walking with his head under his arm&mdash;being
+the first step to everything.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, Mr. Leather had the horse saddled and accoutred as quietly as
+possible&mdash;his warm clothing put over the saddle immediately, and everything
+kept as much in the usual course as possible, so that the noble animal's
+temper might not be ruffled by unaccustomed trouble or unusual objects.
+Leather having seen that the horse could not eject Mr. Sponge even in
+trousers, had little fear of his dislodging him in boots and breeches;
+still it was desirable to avoid all unseemly contention, and maintain the
+high character of the stud, by which means Leather felt that his own
+character and consequence would best be maintained. Accordingly, he
+refrained from calling in the aid of any of the stable assistants,
+preferring for once to do a little work himself, especially when the rider
+was up to the trick, and not 'a gent' to be cajoled into 'trying a horse.'
+Mr. Sponge, punctual to his time, appeared at the stable, and after much
+patting, whistling, so&mdash;so&mdash;ing, my man, and general ingratiation, the
+redoubtable nag was led out of the stable into a well-littered straw-yard,
+where, though he might be gored by a bull if he fell, the 'eyes of England'
+at all events would not witness the floorer. Horses, however, have
+wonderful memories and discrimination. Though so differently attired to
+what he was on the occasion of his trial, the horse seemed to recognize Mr.
+Sponge, and independently of a few snorts as he was led out, and an
+indignant stamp or two of his foot as it was let down, after Mr. Sponge was
+mounted he took things very quietly.</p>
+
+<p>'Now,' said Leather, in an undertone, patting the horse's arched neck,
+'I'll give you a hint; they're a goin' to run a drag to try what he's made
+on, so be on the look-out.'</p><p><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></a></p>
+
+<p>'How do you know?' asked Mr. Sponge, in surprise, drawing his reins as he
+spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I know</i>,' replied Mr. Leather with a wink.</p>
+
+<p>Just then the horse began to plunge, and paw, and give symptoms of
+uneasiness, and not wishing to fret or exhibit his weak points, Mr. Sponge
+gave him his head, and passing through the side-gate was presently in the
+street. He didn't exactly understand it, but having full confidence in his
+horsemanship, and believing the one he was on required nothing but riding,
+he was not afraid to take his chance.</p>
+
+<p>Not being the man to put his candle under a bushel, Mr. Sponge took the
+principal streets on his way out of town. We are not sure that he did not
+go rather out of his way to get them in, but that is neither here nor
+there, seeing he was a stranger who didn't know the way. What a sensation
+his appearance created as the gallant brown stepped proudly and freely up
+Coronation Street, showing his smart, clean, well-put-on head up and down
+on the unrestrained freedom of the snaffle.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, d&mdash;n it, there he is!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, jumping up from the
+breakfast-table, and nearly sweeping the contents off by catching the cloth
+with his spur.</p>
+
+<p>'Where?' exclaimed half-a-dozen voices, amid a general rush to the windows.</p>
+
+<p>'What a fright!' exclaimed little Miss Martindale, whispering into Miss
+Beauchamp's ear: 'I'm sure anybody may have him for me,' though she felt in
+her heart that he was far from bad looking.</p>
+
+<p>'I wonder how long he's taken to put on that choker,' observed Mr.
+Spareneck, eyeing him intently, not without an inward qualm that he had set
+himself a more difficult task than he imagined, to 'cut him down,'
+especially when he looked at the noble animal he bestrode, and the masterly
+way he sat him.</p>
+
+<p>'What a pair of profligate boots,' observed Captain Whitfield, as our
+friend now passed his lodgings.</p>
+
+<p>'It would be the duty of a right-thinking man to ride over a fellow in such
+a pair,' observed his friend, Mr. Cox, who was breakfasting with him.</p><p><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Ride over a fellow in such a pair!' exclaimed Whitfield. 'No well-bred
+horse would face such things, I should think.'</p>
+
+<p>'He seems to think a good deal of himself!' observed Mr. Cox, as Sponge
+cast an admiring eye down his shining boot.</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Whitfield; 'perhaps he'll have the conceit
+taken out of him before night.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I hope you'll be in time, old boy!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles to
+himself, as looking down from his bedroom window, he espied Mr. Sponge
+passing up the street on his way to cover. Mr. Waffles was just out of bed,
+and had yet to dress and breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>One man in scarlet sets all the rest on the fidget, and without troubling
+to lay 'that or that' together, they desert their breakfasts, hurry to the
+stables, get out their horses and rattle away, lest their watches should be
+wrong or some arrangement made that they are ignorant of. The hounds too,
+were on, as was seen as well by their footmarks, as by the bob, bob,
+bobbing of sundry black caps above the hedges, on the Borrowdon road as the
+huntsman and whips proceeded at that pleasant post-boy trot, that has
+roused the wrath of so many riders against horses that they could not get
+to keep in time.</p>
+
+<p>Now look at old Tom, cocked jauntily on the spicey bay and see what a
+different Tom he is to what he was last night. Instead of a battered,
+limping, shabby-looking little old man, he is all alive and rises to the
+action of his horse, as though they were all one. A fringe of grey hair
+protrudes beneath his smart velvet cap, which sets off a weather-beaten but
+keen and expressive face, lit up with little piercing black eyes. See how
+chirpy and cheery he is; how his right arm keeps rising and falling with
+his whip, beating responsive to the horse's action with the butt-end
+against his thigh. His new scarlet coat imparts a healthy hue to his face,
+and good boots and breeches hide the imperfections of his bad legs. His
+hounds seem to partake of the old man's gaiety, and gather round his horse
+or frolic forward on the grassy sidings of the road, till, getting <a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a>almost
+out of earshot, a single 'yooi doit!&mdash;Arrogant!'&mdash;or 'here again, Brusher!'
+brings them cheerfully back to whine and look in the old man's face for
+applause. Nor is he chary of his praise. 'G&mdash;oood
+betch!&mdash;Arrogant!&mdash;g&mdash;oood betch!' says he, leaning over his horse's
+shoulder towards her, and jerking his hand to induce her to proceed forward
+again. So the old man trots gaily on, now making of his horse, now coaxing
+a hound, now talking to a 'whip,' now touching or taking off his cap as he
+passes a sportsman, according to the estimation in which he holds him.</p>
+
+<p>As the hounds reach Whirleypool Windmill, there is a grand rush of
+pedestrians to meet them. First comes a velveteen-jacketed,
+leather-legginged keeper, with whom Tom (albeit suspicious of his honesty)
+thinks it prudent to shake hands; the miller and he, too, greet; and
+forthwith a black bottle with a single glass make their appearance, and
+pass current with the company. Then the earth-stopper draws nigh, and,
+resting a hand on Tom's horse's shoulder, whispers confidentially in his
+ear. The pedestrian sportsman of the country, too, has something to say;
+also a horse-breaker; while groups of awe-stricken children stand staring
+at the mighty Tom, thinking him the greatest man in the world.</p>
+
+<p>Railways and fox-hunting make most people punctual, and in less than five
+minutes from the halting of the hounds by the Windmill, the various roads
+leading up to it emit dark-coated grooms, who, dismounting, proceed to
+brush off the mud sparks, and rectify any little derangement the horses or
+their accoutrements may have contracted on the journey. Presently Mr.
+Sponge, and such other gentlemen as have ridden their own horses on, cast
+up, while from the eminence the road to Laverick Wells is distinctly
+traceable with scarlet coats and flys, with furs and flaunting feathers.
+Presently the foremost riders begin to canter up the hill, when</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">All around is gay, men, horses, dogs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in each smiling countenance appears<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fresh blooming health and universal joy.<br /></span>
+</div></div><p><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a></p>
+
+<p>Then the ladies mingle with the scene, some on horseback, some in flys, all
+chatter and prattle as usual, some saying smart things, some trying, all
+making themselves as agreeable as possible, and of course as captivating.
+Some were in ecstasies at dear Miss Jumpheavy's ball&mdash;she was such a <i>nice</i>
+creature&mdash;such a charming ball, and so well managed, while others were
+anticipating the delights of Mrs. Tom Hoppey's, and some again were asking
+which was Mr. Sponge. Then up went the eye-glasses, while Mr. Sponge sat
+looking as innocent and as killing as he could. 'Dear me!' exclaimed one,
+'he's younger than I thought.' 'That's him, is it?' observed another; 'I
+saw him ride up the street'; while the propriety-playing ones praised his
+horse, and said it was a beauty.</p>
+
+<p>The hounds, which they all had come to see, were never looked at.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles, like many men with nothing to do, was most unpunctual. He
+never seemed to know what o'clock it was, and yet he had a watch, hung in
+chains, and gewgaws, like a lady's chatelaine. Hunting partook of the
+general confusion. He did not profess to throw off till eleven, but it was
+often nearly twelve before he cast up. Then he would come up full tilt,
+surrounded by 'scarlets,' like a general with his staff; and once at the
+meet, there was a prodigious hurry to begin, equalled only by the eagerness
+to leave off. On this auspicious day he hove in sight, coming best pace
+along the road, about twenty minutes before twelve, with a more numerous
+retinue than usual. In dress, Mr. Waffles was the light, butterfly order of
+sportsman&mdash;once-round tie, French polish, paper boots, and so on. On this
+occasion he sported a shirt-collar with three or four blue lines, and then
+a white space followed by three or more blue lines, the whole terminating
+in blue spots about the size of fourpenny pieces at the points; a
+once-round blue silk tie, with white spots and flying ends. His coat was a
+light, jackety sort of thing, with little pockets behind, something in the
+style of Mr. Sponge's (a docked dressing-gown), but wanting the outside
+seaming, back strapping, and general strength that <a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a>characterized Mr.
+Sponge's. His waistcoat, of course, was a worked one&mdash;heart's-ease mingled
+with foxes' heads, on a true blue ground, the gift of&mdash;we'll not say
+who&mdash;his leathers were of the finest doe-skin, and his long-topped,
+pointed-toed boots so thin as to put all idea of wet or mud out of the
+question.</p>
+
+<p>Such was the youth who now cantered up and took off his cap to the rank,
+beauty, and fashion, assembled at Whirleypool Windmill. He then proceeded
+to pay his respects in detail. At length, having exhausted his 'nothings,'
+and said the same thing over again in a dozen different ways to a dozen
+different ladies, he gave a slight jerk of the head to Tom Towler, who
+forthwith whistled his hounds together, and attended by the whips, bustled
+from the scene.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;">
+<img src="images/image067.jpg" width="247" height="300" alt="CAPTAIN GREATGUN" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CAPTAIN GREATGUN</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Epping Hunt, in its most palmy days could not equal the exhibition that now
+took place. Some of the more lively of the horses, tired of waiting,
+perhaps pinched by the cold, for most of them were newly clipped, evinced
+their approbation of the move, by sundry squeals and capers, which being
+caught by others in the neighbourhood, the infection quickly spread, and in
+less than a minute there was such a scene of rocking, and rearing, and
+kicking, and prancing, and neighing and shooting over heads, and rolling
+over tails, and hanging on by manes, mingled with such screamings from the
+ladies in the flys, and such hearty-sounding kicks against splash boards
+and fly bottoms, from sundry of the vicious ones in harness, as never was
+witnessed. One gentleman, in a bran-new scarlet, mounted on a flourishing
+piebald, late the property of Mr. Batty, stood pawing and fighting the air,
+as if in the saw-dust circle, his unfortunate rider clinging round his
+neck, expecting to have the beast back over upon him. Another little <a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a>wiry
+chestnut, with abundance of rings, racing martingale, and tackle generally,
+just turned tail on the crowd and ran off home as hard as ever he could lay
+legs to the ground; while a good steady bay cob, with a barrel like a butt,
+and a tail like a hearth-brush, having selected the muddiest, dirtiest
+place he could find, deliberately proceeded to lie down, to the horror of
+his rider, Captain Greatgun, of the royal navy, who, feeling himself
+suddenly touch mother earth, thought he was going to be swallowed up alive,
+and was only awoke from the delusion by the shouts of the foot people,
+telling him to get clear of his horse before he began to roll.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 257px;">
+<img src="images/image068.jpg" width="257" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Hercules would fain have joined the truant set, and, at the first
+commotion, up went his great back, and <a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a>down went his ears, with a single
+lash out behind that meant mischief, but Mr. Sponge was on the alert, and
+just gave him such a dig with his spurs as restored order, without exposing
+anything that anybody could take notice of.</p>
+
+<p>The sudden storm was quickly lulled. The spilt ones scrambled up; the loose
+riders got tighter hold of their horses; the screaming fair ones sank
+languidly in their carriages; and the late troubled ocean of equestrians
+fell into irregular line <i>en route</i> for the cover.</p>
+
+<p>Bump, bump, bump; trot, trot, trot; jolt, jolt, jolt; shake, shake, shake;
+and carriages and cavalry got to Ribston Wood somehow or other. It is a
+long cover on a hill-side, from which parties, placing themselves in the
+green valley below, can see hounds 'draw,' that is to say, run through with
+their noses to the ground, if there are any men foolish enough to believe
+that ladies care for seeing such things. However, there they were.</p>
+
+<p>'Eu leu, in!' cries old Tom, with a wave of his arm, finding he can no
+longer restrain the ardour of the pack as they approach, and thinking to
+save his credit, by appearing to direct. 'Eu leu, in!' repeats he, with a
+heartier cheer, as the pack charge the rotten fence with a crash that
+echoes through the wood. The whips scuttle off to their respective points,
+gentlemen feel their horses' girths, hats are thrust firmly on the head,
+and the sherry and brandy flasks begin to be drained.</p>
+
+<p>'Tally ho!' cries a countryman at the top of the wood, hoisting his hat on
+a stick. At the magic sound, fear comes over some, joy over others, intense
+anxiety over all. What commotion! What indecision! What confusion! 'Which
+way?&mdash;Which way?' is the cry.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang, twang, twang,' goes old Tom's horn at the top of the wood, whither
+he seems to have flown, so quick has he got there.</p>
+
+<p>A dark-coated gentleman on a good family horse solves the important
+question&mdash;'Which way?'&mdash;by diving at once into the wood, crashing along
+till he comes to a cross-road that leads to the top, when the scene opening
+to 'open fresh fields and pastures new,' discloses divers other sections
+struggling up in long <a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a>drawn files, following other leaders, all puffing,
+and wheezing and holding on by the manes, many feeling as if they had had
+enough already&mdash;'Quick!' is the word, for the tail-hounds are flying the
+fence out of the first field over the body of the pack, which are running
+almost mute at best pace beyond, looking a good deal smaller than is
+agreeable to the eyes of a sportsman.</p>
+
+<p>'F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;r&mdash;rard!' screams old Tom, flying the fence after them, followed
+by jealous jostling riders in scarlet and colours, some anxious, some easy,
+some wanting to be at it, some wanting to look as if they did, some wishing
+to know if there was anything on the far side.</p>
+
+<p>Now Tom tops another fence, rising like a rocket and dropping like a bird;
+still 'F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;r&mdash;rard!' is the cry&mdash;away they go at racing pace.</p>
+
+<p>The field draws out like a telescope, leaving the largest portion at the
+end, and many&mdash;the fair and fat ones in particular&mdash;seeing the hopelessness
+of the case, pull up their horses, while yet on an eminence that commands a
+view. Fifteen or twenty horsemen enter for the race, and dash forward,
+though the hounds rather gain on old Tom, and the further they go the
+smaller the point of the telescope becomes. The pace is awful; many would
+give in but for the ladies. At the end of a mile or so, the determined ones
+show to the front, and the spirters and 'make-believes' gladly avail
+themselves of their pioneering powers.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, who got well through the wood, has been going at his ease, the
+great striding brown throwing the large fields behind him with ease, and
+taking his leaps safely and well. He now shows to the front, and old Tom,
+who is still 'F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;r&mdash;rarding' to his hounds, either rather falls back
+to the field or the field draws upon him. At all events they get together
+somehow. A belt of Scotch fir plantation, with a stiffish fence on each
+side, tries their mettle and the stoutness of their hats: crash they get
+through it, the noise they make among the thorns and rotten branches
+resembling the outburst of a fire. Several gentlemen here decline under
+cover of the trees.</p><p><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71"></a></p>
+
+<p>'F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;r&mdash;rard!' screams old Tom, as he dives through the stiff fence
+and lands in the field outside the plantation. He might have saved his
+breath, for the hounds were beating him as it was. Mr. Sponge bores through
+the same place, little aided, however, by anything old Tom has done to
+clear the way for him, and the rest follow in his wake.</p>
+
+<p>The field is now reduced to six, and two of the number, Mr. Spareneck and
+Caingey Thornton, become marked in their attention to our hero. Thornton is
+riding Mr. Waffles' crack steeple-chaser 'Dare-Devil,' and Mr. Spareneck is
+on a first-rate hunter belonging to the same gentleman, but they have not
+been able to get our friend Sponge into grief. On the contrary, his horse,
+though lathered goes as strong as ever, and Mr. Sponge, seeing their
+design, is as careful of him as possible, so as not to lose ground. His
+fine, strong, steady seat, and quiet handling, contrasts well with
+Thornton's rolling bucketing style, who has already begun to ply a heavy
+cutting whip, in aid of his spurs at his fences, accompanied with a half
+frantic 'g&mdash;u&mdash;r&mdash;r&mdash;r along!' and inquires of the horse if he thinks he
+stole him?</p>
+
+<p>The three soon get in front; fast as they go, the hounds go faster, and
+fence after fence is thrown behind them, just as a girl throws her
+skipping-rope.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and the whips follow, grinning with their tongues in their cheeks, Tom
+still screeching 'F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;rard!&mdash;F&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;rard!' at intervals.</p>
+
+<p>A big stone wall, built with mortar, and coped with heavy blocks of stone,
+is taken by the three abreast, for which they are rewarded by a gallop up
+Stretchfurrow pasture, from the summit of which they see the hounds
+streaming away to a fine grass country below, with pollard willows dotted
+here and there in the bottom.</p>
+
+<p>'Water!' says our friend Sponge to himself, wondering whether Hercules
+would face it. A desperate black bullfinch, so thick that they could hardly
+see through it, is shirked by consent, for a gate which a countryman opens,
+and another fence or two being passed, the splashing of some hounds in the
+water, and the shaking <a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a>of others on the opposite bank, show that, as
+usual, the willows are pretty true prophets.</p>
+
+<p>Caingey, grinning his coarse red face nearly double, and getting his horse
+well by the head, rams in the spurs, and flourishes his cutting whip high
+in air, with a 'g&mdash;u&mdash;u&mdash;ur along! do you think I'&mdash;the 'stole you' being
+lost under water just as Sponge clears the brook a little lower down.
+Spareneck then pulls up.</p>
+
+<p>When Nimrod had Dick Christian under water in the Whissendine in his
+Leicestershire run, and someone more humane than the rest of the field
+observed, as they rode on,</p>
+
+<p>'But he'll be drowned.'</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' exclaimed another.</p>
+
+<p>'But the pace,' Nimrod added, 'was too good to inquire.'</p>
+
+<p>Such, however, was not the case with our watering-place cock, Mr. Sponge.
+Independently of the absurdity of a man risking his neck for the sake of
+picking up a bunch of red herrings, Mr. Sponge, having beat everybody,
+could afford a little humanity, more especially as he rode his horse on
+sale, and there was now no one left to witness the further prowess of the
+steed. Accordingly, he availed himself of a heavy, newly-ploughed fallow,
+upon which he landed as he cleared the brook, for pulling up, and returned
+just as Mr. Spareneck, assisted by one of the whips, succeeded in landing
+Caingey on the taking-off side. Caingey was not a pretty boy at the best of
+times&mdash;none but the most partial parents could think him one&mdash;and his
+clumsy-featured, short, compressed face, and thick, lumpy figure, were
+anything but improved by a sort of pea-green net-work of water-weeds with
+which he arose from his bath. He was uncommonly well soaked, and had to be
+held up by the heels to let the water run out of his boots, pockets, and
+clothes. In this undignified position he was found by Mr. Waffles and such
+of the field as had ridden the line.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, Caingey, old boy! you look like a boiled porpoise with parsley
+sauce!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, pulling up where the unfortunate youth was
+spluttering <a name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a>and getting emptied like a jug. 'Confound it!' added he, as
+the water came gurgling out of his mouth, 'but you must have drunk the
+brook dry.'</p>
+
+<p>Caingey would have censured his inhumanity, but knowing the imprudence of
+quarrelling with his bread and butter, and also aware of the laughable,
+drowned-rat figure he must then be cutting, he thought it best to laugh,
+and take his change out of Mr. Waffles another time. Accordingly, he
+chuckled and laughed too, though his jaws nearly refused their office, and
+kindly transferred the blame of the accident from the horse to himself.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 295px;">
+<img src="images/image073.jpg" width="295" height="242" alt="MR. CAINGEY THORNTON DOESN&#39;T &#39;PUT ON STEAM ENOUGH&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. CAINGEY THORNTON DOESN&#39;T &#39;PUT ON STEAM ENOUGH&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'He didn't put on steam enough,' he said.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, old Tom, who had gone on with the hounds, having availed himself
+of a well-known bridge, a little above where Thornton went in, for getting
+over the brook, and having allowed a sufficient time to elapse for the
+proper completion of the farce, was now seen rounding the opposite hill,
+with his hounds clustered about his horse, with his mind conning over one
+of those <a name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></a>imaginary runs that experienced huntsmen know so well how to
+tell, when there is no one to contradict them.</p>
+
+<p>Having quartered his ground to get at his old friend the bridge again, he
+just trotted up with well-assumed gaiety as Caingey Thornton spluttered the
+last piece of green weed out from between his great thick lips.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Tom!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, 'what have you done with him?'</p>
+
+<p>'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with a slight touch of his cap, as though
+'killing' was a matter of every-day occurrence with them.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you, indeed!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, adopting the lie with avidity.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' said Tom gravely; 'he was nearly beat afore he got to the
+brook. Indeed, I thought Vanquisher would have had him in it; but, however,
+he got through, and the scent failed on the fallow, which gave him a
+chance; but I held them on to the hedgerow beyond, where they hit it off
+like wildfire, and they never stopped again till they tumbled him over at
+the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick. I've got his brush,'
+added Tom, producing a much tattered one from his pocket, 'if you'd like to
+have it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, no&mdash;yes&mdash;no,' replied Waffles, not wanting to be bothered with
+it; 'yet stay,' continued he, as his eye caught Mr. Sponge, who was still
+on foot beside his vanquished friend; 'give it to Mr. What-de-ye-call-'em,'
+added he, nodding towards our hero.</p>
+
+<p>'Sponge,' observed Tom, in an undertone, giving the brush to his master.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Sponge, will you do me the favour to accept the brush?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, advancing with it towards him; adding, 'I am sorry this unlucky
+bather should have prevented your seeing the end.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was a pretty good judge of brushes, and not a bad one of
+camphire; but if this one had smelt twice as strong as it did&mdash;indeed, if
+it had dropped to pieces in his hand, or the moths had flown up in his
+face, he would have pocketed it, seeing it paved the way to what he
+wanted&mdash;an introduction.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm very much obliged, I'm sure,' observed he, <a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a>advancing to take
+it&mdash;'very much obliged, indeed; been an extremely good run, and fast.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very fair&mdash;very fair,' observed Mr. Waffles, as though it were nothing in
+their way; 'seven miles in twenty minutes, I suppose, or something of that
+sort.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>One</i>-and-twenty,' interposed Tom, with a laudable anxiety for accuracy.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! one-and-twenty,' rejoined Mr. Waffles. 'I thought it would be
+somewhere thereabouts. Well, I suppose we've all had enough,' added he,
+'may as well go home and have some luncheon, and then a game at billiards,
+or rackets, or something. How's the old water-rat?' added he, turning to
+Thornton, who was now busy emptying his cap and mopping the velvet.</p>
+
+<p>The water-rat was as well as could be expected, but did not quite like the
+new aspect of affairs. He saw that Mr. Sponge was a first-rate horseman,
+and also knew that nothing ingratiated one man with another so much as
+skill and boldness in the field. It was by that means, indeed, that he had
+established himself in Mr. Waffles' good graces&mdash;an ingratiation that had
+been pretty serviceable to him, both in the way of meat, drink, mounting,
+and money. Had Mr. Sponge been, like himself, a needy, penniless
+adventurer, Caingey would have tried to have kept him out by some of those
+plausible, admonitory hints, that poverty makes men so obnoxious to; but in
+the case of a rich, flourishing individual, with such an astonishing stud
+as Leather made him out to have, it was clearly Caingey's policy to knock
+under and be subservient to Mr. Sponge also. Caingey, we should observe,
+was a bold, reckless rider, never seeming to care for his neck, but he was
+no match for Mr. Sponge, who had both skill and courage.</p>
+
+<p>Caingey being at length cleansed from his weeds, wiped from his mud, and
+made as comfortable as possible under the circumstances, was now hoisted on
+to the renowned steeple-chase horse again, who had scrambled out of the
+brook on the taking-off side, and, after meandering the banks for a certain
+distance, had been caught by the bridle in the branch of a willow&mdash;Caingey,
+we say, being again mounted, Mr. Sponge also, without <a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a>hindrance from the
+resolute brown horse, the first whip put himself a little in advance, while
+old Tom followed with the hounds, and the second whip mingled with the now
+increasing field, it being generally understood (by the uninitiated, at
+least) that hounds have no business to go home so long as any gentleman is
+inclined for a scurrey, no matter whether he has joined early or late. Mr.
+Waffles, on the contrary, was very easily satisfied, and never took the
+shine off a run with a kill by risking a subsequent defeat. Old Tom, though
+keen when others were keen, was not indifferent to his comforts, and soon
+came into the way of thinking that it was just as well to get home to his
+mutton-chops at two or three o'clock, as to be groping his way about
+bottomless bye-roads on dark winter nights.</p>
+
+<p>As he retraced his steps homeward, and overtook the scattered field of the
+morning, his talent for invention, or rather stretching, was again called
+into requisition.</p>
+
+<p>'What have you done with him, Tom?' asked Major Bouncer, eagerly bringing
+his sturdy collar-marked cob alongside of our huntsman.</p>
+
+<p>'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with the slightest possible touch of the
+cap. (Bouncer was no tip.)</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Bouncer, gaily, with that sort of sham satisfaction
+that most people express about things that can't concern them in the least.
+'Indeed! I'm deuced glad of that! Where did you kill him?'</p>
+
+<p>'At the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick,' replied Tom;
+adding, 'but, my word, he led us a dance afore we got there&mdash;up to
+Ditchington, down to Somerby, round by Temple Bell Wood, cross Goosegreen
+Common, then away for Stubbington Brooms, skirtin' Sanderwick Plantations,
+but scarce goin' into 'em, then by the round hill at Camerton leavin' great
+Heatherton to the right, and so straight on to Shapwick, where we killed,
+with every hound up&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'God bless me!' exclaimed Bouncer, apparently lost in admiration, though he
+scarcely knew the country; 'God bless me!' repeated he, 'what a run! The
+finest run that ever was seen.'</p><p><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Nine miles in twenty-five minutes,' replied Tom, tacking on a little both
+for time and distance.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>B-o-y</i> <span class="smcap">jove</span>!' exclaimed the major.</p>
+
+<p>Having shaken hands with, and congratulated Mr. Waffles most eagerly and
+earnestly, the major hurried off to tell as much as he could remember to
+the first person he met, just as the cheese-bearer at a christening looks
+out for some one to give the cheese to. The cheese-getter on this occasion
+was Doctor Lotion, who was going to visit old Jackey Thompson, of
+Woolleyburn. Jackey being then in a somewhat precarious state of health,
+and tolerably advanced in life, without any very self-evident heir, was
+obnoxious to the attentions of three distinct litters of cousins, some one
+or other of whom was constantly 'baying him.' Lotion, though a sapient man,
+and somewhat grinding in his practice, did not profess to grind old people
+young again, and feeling he could do very little for the body corporate,
+directed his attention to amusing Jackey's mind, and anything in the shape
+of gossip was extremely acceptable to the doctor to retail to his patient.
+Moreover, Jackey had been a bit of a sportsman, and was always extremely
+happy to see the hounds&mdash;<i>on anybody's land but his own</i>.</p>
+
+<p>So Lotion got primed with the story, and having gone through the usual
+routine of asking his patient how he was, how he had slept, looking at his
+tongue, and reporting on the weather, when the old posing question, 'What's
+the news?' was put, Lotion replied, as he too often had to reply, for he
+was a very slow hand at picking up information.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothin' particklar, I think, sir,' adding, in an off-hand sort of way,
+'you've heard of the greet run, I s'pose, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>'Great run!' exclaimed the octogenarian, as if it was a matter of the most
+vital importance to him; 'great run, sir; no, sir, not a word!'</p>
+
+<p>The doctor then retailed it.</p>
+
+<p>Old Jackey got possessed of this one idea&mdash;he thought of nothing else.
+Whoever came, he out with it, chapter and verse, with occasional
+variations. He told it to <a name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></a>all the 'cousins in waiting'; Jackey Thompson,
+of Carrington Ford; Jackey Thompson, of Houndesley; Jackey Thompson, of the
+Mill; and all the Bobs, Bills, Sams, Harrys, and Peters, composing the
+respective litters;&mdash;forgetting where he got it from, he nearly told it
+back to Lotion himself. We sometimes see old people affected this way&mdash;far
+more enthusiastic on a subject than young ones. Few dread the aspect of
+affairs so much as those who have little chance of seeing how they go.</p>
+
+<p>But to the run. The cousins reproduced the story according to their
+respective powers of exaggeration. One tacked on two miles, another ten,
+and so it went on and on, till it reached the ears of the great Mr.
+Seedeyman, the mighty WE of the country, as he sat in his den penning his
+'stunners' for his market-day <i>Mercury</i>. It had then distanced the great
+sea-serpent itself in length, having extended over thirty-three miles of
+country, which Mr. Seedeyman reported to have been run in one hour and
+forty minutes.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty good going, we should say.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2>
+
+<h3>THE FEELER</h3>
+
+
+<p>Bag fox-hunts, be they ever so good, are but unsatisfactory things; drag
+runs are, beyond all measure, unsatisfactory. After the best-managed bag
+fox-hunt, there is always a sort of suppressed joy, a deadly liveliness in
+the field. Those in the secret are afraid of praising it too much, lest the
+secret should ooze out, and strangers suppose that all their great runs are
+with bag foxes, while the mere retaking of an animal that one has had in
+hand before is not calculated to arouse any very pleasurable emotions.
+Nobody ever goes frantic at seeing an old donkey of a deer handed back into
+his carriage after a canter.</p><p><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a></p>
+
+<p>Our friends on this occasion soon exhausted what they had to say on the
+subject.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a nice horse of yours,' observed Mr. Waffles to Mr. Sponge, as the
+latter, on the strength of the musty brush, now rode alongside the master
+of the hounds.</p>
+
+<p>'I think he is,' replied Sponge, rubbing some of the now dried sweat from
+his shoulder and neck; 'I think he is; I like him a good deal better to-day
+than I did the first time I rode him.'</p>
+
+<p>'What, he's a new one, is he?' asked Mr. Waffles, taking a scented cigar
+from his mouth, and giving a steady sidelong stare at the horse.</p>
+
+<p>'Bought him in Leicestershire,' replied Sponge. 'He belonged to Lord
+Bullfrog, who didn't think him exactly up to his weight.'</p>
+
+<p>'Up to his weight!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton, who had now ridden up
+on the other side of his great patron, 'why, he must be another Daniel
+Lambert.'</p>
+
+<p>'Rather so,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'rides nineteen stun.'</p>
+
+<p>'What a monster!' exclaimed Thornton, who was of the pocket order.</p>
+
+<p>'I thought he didn't go fast enough at his fences the first time I rode
+him,' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing the curb slightly so as to show the
+horse's fine arched neck to advantage; 'but he went quick enough to-day, in
+all conscience,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'He did <i>that</i>,' observed Mr. Thornton, now bent on a toadying match. 'I
+never saw a finer lepper.'</p>
+
+<p>'He flew many feet beyond the brook,' observed Mr. Spareneck, who, thinking
+discretion was the better part of valour, had pulled up on seeing his
+comrade Thornton blobbing about in the middle of it, and therefore was
+qualified to speak to the fact.</p>
+
+<p>So they went on talking about the horse, and his points, and his speed, and
+his action, very likely as much for want of something to say, or to keep
+off the subject of the run, as from any real admiration of the animal.</p>
+
+<p>The true way to make a man take a fancy to a horse <a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a>is to make believe that
+you don't want to sell him&mdash;at all events, that you are easy about selling.
+Mr. Sponge had played this game so very often, that it came quite natural
+to him. He knew exactly how far to go, and having expressed his previous
+objection to the horse, he now most handsomely made the <i>amende honorable</i>
+by patting him on the neck, and declaring that he really thought he should
+keep him.</p>
+
+<p>It is said that every man has his weak or 'do-able' point, if the sharp
+ones can but discover it. This observation does not refer, we believe, to
+men with an innocent <i>penchant</i> for play, or the turf, or for buying
+pictures, or for collecting china, or for driving coaches and four, all of
+which tastes proclaim themselves sooner or later, but means that the most
+knowing, the most cautious, and the most careful, are all to be come over,
+somehow or another.</p>
+
+<p>There are few things more surprising in this remarkable world than the
+magnificent way people talk about money, or the meannesses they will resort
+to in order to get a little. We hear fellows flashing and talking in
+hundreds and thousands, who will do almost anything for a five-pound note.
+We have known men pretending to hunt countries at their own expense, and
+yet actually 'living out of the hounds.' Next to the accomplishment of
+that&mdash;apparently almost impossible feat&mdash;comes the dexterity required for
+living by horse-dealing.</p>
+
+<p>A little lower down in the scale comes the income derived from the
+profession of a 'go-between'&mdash;the gentleman who can buy the horse cheaper
+than you can. This was Caingey Thornton's trade. He was always lurking
+about people's stables talking to grooms and worming out secrets&mdash;whose
+horse had a cough, whose was a wind-sucker, whose was lame after hunting,
+and so on&mdash;and had a price current of every horse in the place&mdash;knew what
+had been given, what the owners asked, and had a pretty good guess what
+they would take.</p>
+
+<p>Waffles would have been an invaluable customer to Thornton if the former's
+groom, Mr. Figg, had not been rather too hard with his 'reg'lars.' He
+insisted on<a name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></a> Caingey dividing whatever he got out of his master with him.
+This reduced profits considerably; but still, as it was a profession that
+did not require any capital to set up with, Thornton could afford to be
+liberal, having only to tack on to one end to cut off at the other.</p>
+
+<p>After the opening Sponge gave as they rode home with the hounds, Thornton
+had no difficulty in sounding him on the subject.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll not think me impertinent, I hope,' observed Caingey, in his most
+deferential style, to our hero when they met at the News'-room the next
+day&mdash;'you'll not think me impertinent, I hope; but I think you said as we
+rode home, yesterday, that you didn't altogether like the brown horse you
+were on?'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Did I?</i>' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise; 'I think you must
+have misunderstood me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, no; it wasn't exactly that,' rejoined Mr. Thornton, 'but you said you
+liked him better than you did, I think?'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! I believe I did say something of the sort,' replied Sponge
+casually&mdash;'I believe I did say something of the sort; but he carried me so
+well that I thought better of him. The fact was,' continued Mr. Sponge,
+confidentially, 'I thought him rather too light mouthed; I like a horse
+that bears more on the hand.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' observed Mr. Thornton; 'most people think a light mouth a
+recommendation.'</p>
+
+<p>'I know they do,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'I know they do; but I like a horse
+that requires a little riding. Now this is too much of a made horse&mdash;too
+much of what I call an old man's horse, for me. Bullfrog, whom I bought him
+of, is very fat&mdash;eats a great deal of venison and turtle&mdash;all sorts of good
+things, in fact&mdash;and can't stand much tewing in the saddle; now, I rather
+like to feel that I am on a horse, and not in an arm-chair.'</p>
+
+<p>'He's a fine horse,' observed Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'So he ought,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I gave a hatful of money for him&mdash;two
+hundred and fifty golden sovereigns, and not a guinea back. Bullfrog's the
+biggest screw I ever dealt with.'</p><p><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82"></a></p>
+
+<p>That latter observation was highly encouraging to Thornton. It showed that
+Mr. Sponge was not one of your tight-laced dons, who take offence at the
+mere mention of 'drawbacks,' but, on the contrary, favoured the supposition
+that he would do the 'genteel,' should he happen to be a seller.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, if you should feel disposed to part with him, perhaps you will have
+the kindness to let me know,' observed Mr. Thornton; adding, 'he's not for
+myself, of course, but I think I know a man he would suit, and who would be
+inclined to give a good price for him.'</p>
+
+<p>'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I will,' repeated he, adding, 'if I <i>were</i>
+to sell him, I wouldn't take a farthing under three 'underd for him&mdash;three
+'underd <i>guineas</i>, mind, <i>not punds</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's a vast sum of money,' observed Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'Not a bit on't,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'He's worth it all, and a great deal
+more. Indeed, I haven't said, mind that, I'll take that for him; all I've
+said is, that I wouldn't take less.'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' replied Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a horse of high character,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'Indeed he has no
+business out of Leicestershire; and I don't know what set my fool of a
+groom to bring him here.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'll see if I can coax my friend into giving what you say,' observed
+Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'Nay, never mind coaxing,' replied Mr. Sponge, with the utmost
+indifference; 'never mind coaxing; if he's not anxious, my name's "easy."
+Only mind ye, if I ride him again, and he carries me as he did yesterday, I
+shall clap on another fifty. A horse of that figure can't be dear at any
+price,' added he. 'Put him in a steeple-chase, and you'd get your money
+back in ten minutes, and a bagful to boot.'</p>
+
+<p>'True,' observed Mr. Thornton, treasuring that fact up as an additional
+inducement to use to his friend.</p>
+
+<p>So the amiable gentlemen parted.</p><p><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+
+<h3>THE DEAL, AND THE DISASTER</h3>
+
+
+<p>If people are inclined to deal, bargains can very soon be struck at idle
+watering-places, where anything in the shape of occupation is a godsend,
+and bargainers know where to find each other in a minute. Everybody knows
+where everybody is.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you seen Jack Sprat?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes; he's just gone into Muddle's Bazaar with Miss Flouncey, looking
+uncommon sweet.' Or&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'Can you tell me where I shall find Mr. Slowman?'</p>
+
+<p>Answer.&mdash;'You'll find him at his lodgings, No. 15, Belvidere Terrace, till
+a quarter before seven. He's gone home to dress, to dine with Major and
+Mrs. Holdsworthy, at Grunton Villa, for I heard him order Jenkins's fly at
+that time.'</p>
+
+<p>Caingey Thornton knew exactly when he would find Mr. Waffles at Miss
+Lollypop's, the confectioner, eating ices and making love to that very
+interesting much-courted young lady. True to his time, there was Waffles,
+eating and eyeing the cherry-coloured ribbons, floating in graceful curls
+along with her raven-coloured ringlets, down Miss Lollypop's nice fresh
+plump cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>After expatiating on the great merits of the horse, and the certainty of
+getting all the money back by steeple-chasing him in the spring, and
+stating his conviction that Mr. Sponge would not take any part of the
+purchase-money in pictures or jewellery, or anything of that sort, Mr.
+Waffles gave his consent to deal, on the terms the following conversation
+shows.</p>
+
+<p>'My friend will give you your price, if you wouldn't mind taking his cheque
+and keeping it for a few months till he's into funds,' observed Mr.
+Thornton, who now sought Mr. Sponge out at the billiard-room.</p>
+
+<p>'Why,' observed Mr. Sponge, thoughtfully, 'you know horses are always ready
+money.'</p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Thornton; 'at least that's the theory <a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a>of the thing; only
+my friend is rather peculiarly situated at present.'</p>
+
+<p>'I suppose Mr. Waffles is your man?' observed Mr. Sponge, rightly judging
+that there couldn't be two such flats in the place.</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' said Mr. Thornton.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 260px;">
+<img src="images/image084.jpg" width="260" height="300" alt="MR. WAFFLES AT MISS LOLLYPOP&#39;S" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. WAFFLES AT MISS LOLLYPOP&#39;S</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'I'd rather take his "stiff" than his cheque,' observed Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause. 'I could get a bit of stiff <i>done</i>, but a cheque, you
+see&mdash;especially a post-dated one&mdash;is always objected to.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I dare say that will make no difference,' observed Mr. Thornton,
+'"stiff," if you prefer it&mdash;say three months; or perhaps you'll give us
+four?'</p><p><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Three's long enough, in all conscience,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a shake
+of the head, adding, 'Bullfrog made me pay down on the nail.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, so be it, then,' assented Mr. Thornton; 'you draw at three months,
+and Mr. Waffles will accept, payable at Coutts's.'</p>
+
+<p>After so much liberality, Mr. Caingey expected that Mr. Sponge would have
+hinted at something handsome for him; but all Sponge said was, 'So be it,'
+too, as he walked away to buy a bill-stamp.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles was more considerate, and promised him the first mount on his
+new purchase, though Caingey would rather have had a ten, or even a
+five-pound note.</p>
+
+<p>Towards the hour of ten on that eventful day, numerous gaitered, trousered,
+and jacketed grooms began to ride up and down the High Street, most of them
+with their stirrups crossed negligently on the pommels of the saddles, to
+indicate that their masters were going to ride the horses, and not them.
+The street grew lively, not so much with people going to hunt, as with
+people coming to see those who were. Tattered Hibernians, with rags on
+their backs and jokes on their lips; young English <i>chevaliers
+d'industrie</i>, with their hands ready to dive into anybody's pockets but
+their own; stablemen out of place, servants loitering on their errands,
+striplings helping them, ladies'-maids with novels or three-corner'd notes,
+and a good crop of beggars.</p>
+
+<p>'What, Spareneck, do you ride the grey to-day? I thought you'd done
+Gooseman out of a mount,' observed Ensign Downley, as a line of
+scarlet-coated youths hung over the balcony of the Imperial Hotel, after
+breakfast and before mounting for the day.</p>
+
+<p>Spareneck.&mdash;'No, that's for Tuesday. He wouldn't stand one to-day. What do
+you ride?'</p>
+
+<p>Downley.&mdash;'Oh, I've a hack, one of Screwman's, Perpetual Motion they call
+him, because he never gets any rest. That's him, I believe, with the
+lofty-actioned hind-legs,' added he, pointing to a weedy string-halty bay
+passing below, high in bone and low in flesh.</p><p><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Who's o' the gaudy chestnut?' asked Caingey Thornton, who now appeared,
+wiping his fat lips after his second glass of <i>eau de vie</i>.</p>
+
+<p>'That's Mr. Sponge's,' replied Spareneck in a low tone, knowing how soon a
+man catches his own name.</p>
+
+<p>'A deuced fine horse he is, too,' observed Caingey, in a louder key;
+adding, 'Sponge has the finest lot of horses of any man in England&mdash;in the
+world, I may say.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge himself now rose from the breakfast table, and was speedily
+followed by Mr. Waffles and the rest of the party, some bearing
+sofa-pillows and cushions to place on the balustrades, to loll at their
+ease, in imitation of the Coventry Club swells in Piccadilly. Then our
+friends smoked their cigars, reviewed the cavalry, and criticised the
+ladies who passed below in the flys on their way to the meet.</p>
+
+<p>'Come, old Bolter!' exclaimed one, 'here's Miss Bussington coming to look
+after you&mdash;got her mamma with her, too&mdash;so you may as well knock under at
+once, for she's determined to have you.'</p>
+
+<p>'A devil of a woman the old un is, too,' observed Ensign Downley; 'she
+nearly frightened Jack Simpers of ours into fits, by asking what he meant
+after dancing three dances with her daughter one night.'</p>
+
+<p>'My word, but Miss Jumpheavy must expect to do some execution to-day with
+that fine floating feather and her crimson satin dress and ermine,'
+observed Mr. Waffles, as that estimable lady drove past in her Victoria
+phaeton. 'She looks like the Queen of Sheba herself. But come, I suppose,'
+he added, taking a most diminutive Geneva watch out of his
+waistcoat-pocket, 'we should be going. See! there's your nag kicking up a
+shindy,' he said to Caingey Thornton, as the redoubtable brown was led down
+the street by a jean-jacketed groom, kicking and lashing out at everything
+he came near.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll kick him,' observed Thornton, retiring from the balcony to the
+brandy-bottle, and helping himself to a pretty good-sized glass. He then
+extricated his large <a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a>cutting whip from the confusion of whips with which
+it was mixed, and clonk, clonk, clonked downstairs to the door.</p>
+
+<p>'Multum in Parvo' stopped the doorway, across whose shoulder Leather passed
+the following hints, in a low tone of voice, to Mr. Sponge, as the latter
+stood drawing on his dogskin gloves, the observed, as he flattered himself,
+of all observers.</p>
+
+<p>'Mind now,' said Leather, 'this oss as a will of his own; though he seems
+so quiet like, he's not always to be depended on; so be on the look-out for
+squalls.'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, having had a glass of brandy, just mounted with the air of a man
+thoroughly at home with his horse, and drawing the rein, with a slight feel
+of the spur, passed on from the door to make way for the redoubtable
+Hercules. Hercules was evidently not in a good humour. His ears were laid
+back, and the rolling white eye showed mischief. Sponge saw all this, and
+turned to see whether Thornton's clumsy, wash-ball seat, would be able to
+control the fractious spirit of the horse.</p>
+
+<p>'Whoay!' roared Thornton, as his first dive at the stirrup missed, and was
+answered by a hearty kick out from the horse, the 'whoay' being given in a
+very different tone to the gentle, coaxing style of Mr. Buckram and his
+men. Had it not been for the brandy within and the lookers-on without,
+there is no saying but Caingey would have declined the horse's further
+acquaintance. As it was, he quickly repeated his attempt at the stirrup
+with the same sort of domineering 'whoay,' adding, as he landed in the
+saddle and snatched at the reins, 'Do you think I stole you?'</p>
+
+<p>Whatever the horse's opinion might be on that point, he didn't seem to care
+to express it, for finding kicking alone wouldn't do, he immediately
+commenced rearing too, and by a desperate plunge, broke away from the
+groom, before Thornton had either got him by the head or his feet in the
+stirrups. Three most desperate bounds he gave, rising at the bit as though
+he would come <a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a>back over if the hold was not relaxed, and the fourth effort
+bringing him to the opposite kerb-stone, he up again with such a bound and
+impetus that he crashed right through Messrs. Frippery and Flummery's fine
+plate-glass window, to the terror and astonishment of their elegant young
+counter-skippers, who were busy arranging their ribbons and finery for the
+day. Right through the window Hercules went, switching through book muslins
+and bar&egrave;ges as he would through a bullfinch, and attempting to make his
+exit by a large plate-glass mirror against the wall of the cloak-room
+beyond, which he dashed all to pieces with his head. Worse remains to be
+told. 'Multum in Parvo,' seeing his old comrade's hind-quarters
+disappearing through the window, just took the bit between his teeth, and
+followed, in spite of Mr. Sponge's every effort to turn him; and when at
+length he got him hauled round, the horse was found to have decorated
+himself with a sky-blue <i>visite</i> trimmed with Honiton lace, which he wore
+like a charger on his way to the Crusades, or a steed bearing a knight to
+the Eglinton tournament.</p>
+
+<p>Quick as it happened, and soon as it was over, all Laverick Wells seemed to
+have congregated in the street as our heroes rode out of the folding
+glass-doors.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image088.jpg" width="200" height="165" alt="" title="" />
+</div><p><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+
+<h3>AN OLD FRIEND</h3>
+
+
+<p>About a fortnight after the above catastrophe, and as the recollection of
+it was nearly effaced by Miss Jumpheavy's abduction of Ensign Downley, our
+friend, Mr. Waffles, on visiting his stud at the four o'clock stable-hour,
+found a most respectable, middle-aged, rosy-gilled,
+better-sort-of-farmer-looking man, straddling his tight drab-trousered
+legs, with a twisted ash plant propping his chin, behind the redoubtable
+Hercules. He had a bran-new hat on, a velvet-collared blue coat with metal
+buttons, that anywhere but in the searching glare and contrast of London
+might have passed for a spic-and-span new one; a small, striped,
+step-collared toilanette vest; and the aforesaid drab trousers, in the
+right-hand pocket of which his disengaged hand kept fishing up and slipping
+down an avalanche of silver, which made a pleasant musical accompaniment to
+his monetary conversation. On seeing Mr. Waffles, the stranger touched his
+hat, and appeared to be about to retire, when Mr. Figg, the stud-groom,
+thus addressed his master:</p>
+
+<p>'This be Mr. Buckram, sir, of London, sir; says he knows our brown 'orse,
+sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, indeed,' observed Mr. Waffles, taking a cigar from his mouth; 'knows
+no good of him, I should think. What part of London do you live in, Mr.
+Buckram?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I doesn't exactly live in London, my lord&mdash;that's to say, sir&mdash;a
+little way out of it, you know&mdash;have a little hindependence of my own, you
+understand.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang it, how should I understand anything of the sort&mdash;never set eyes on
+you before,' replied Mr. Waffles.</p>
+
+<p>The half-crowns now began to descend singly in the pocket, keeping up a
+protracted jingle, like the notes of a lazy, undecided musical snuff-box.
+By the time the last had dropped, Mr. Buckram had collected himself
+sufficiently to resume.</p><p><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></a></p>
+
+<p>Taking the ash-plant away from his mouth, with which he had been
+barricading his lips, he observed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'I know'd that oss when Lord Bullfrog had him,' nodding his head at our old
+friend as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce you did!' observed Mr. Waffles;' where was that?'</p>
+
+<p>'In Leicestersheer,' replied Mr. Buckram. 'I have a haunt as lives at Mount
+Sorrel; she has a little hindependence of her own, and I goes down
+'casionally to see her&mdash;in fact, I believes I'm her <i>hare</i>. Well, I was
+down there just at the beginnin' of the season, the 'ounds met at Kirby
+Gate&mdash;a mile or two to the south, you know, on the Leicester road&mdash;it was
+the fust day of the season, in fact&mdash;and there was a great crowd, and I was
+one; and havin' a heye for an oss, I was struck with this one, you
+understand, bein' as I thought, a 'ticklar nice 'un. Lord Bullfrog's man
+was a ridin' of him, and he kept him outside the crowd, showin' off his
+pints, and passin' him backwards and forwards under people's noses, to
+'tract the notish of the nobs&mdash;parsecutin, what I call&mdash;and I see'd Mr.
+Sponge struck&mdash;I've known Mr. Sponge many years, and a 'ticklar nice gent
+he is&mdash;well, Mr. Sponge pulled hup, and said to the grum, "Who's o' that
+oss?" "My Lor' Bullfrog's, sir," said the man. "He's a deuced nice 'un,"
+observed Mr. Sponge, thinkin', as he was a lord's, he might praise 'im,
+seein', in all probability, he weren't for sale. "He is <i>that</i>," said the
+grum, patting him on the neck, as though he were special fond on him. "Is
+my lord out?" asked Mr. Sponge. "No, sir; he's not come down yet," replied
+the man, "nor do I know when he will come. He's been down at Bath for some
+time 'sociatin' with the aldermen o' Bristol and has thrown up a vast o'
+bad flesh&mdash;two stun' sin' last season&mdash;and he's afeared this oss won't be
+able to carry 'im, and so he writ to me to take 'im out to-day, to show
+'im." "He'd carry <i>me</i>, I think," said Mr. Sponge, making hup his mind on
+the moment, jist as he makes hup his mind to ride at a fence&mdash;not that I
+think it's a good plan for a gent to show that he's sweet on an oss, for
+they're sure to make him pay for it. Howsomever, that's nouther here nor
+there. Well, jist as Mr. Sponge <a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a>said this, Sir Richard driv' hup, and
+havin' got his oss, away we trotted to the goss jist below, and the next
+thing I see'd was Mr. Sponge leadin' the 'ole field on this werry nag.
+Well, I heard no more till I got to Melton, for I didn't go to my haunt's
+at Mount Sorrel that night, and I saw little of the run, for my oss was
+rather puffy, livin' principally on chaff, bran mashes, swedes, and soft
+food; and when I got to Melton, I heard 'ow Mr. Sponge had bought this
+oss,' Mr. Buckram nodding his head at the horse as he spoke, 'and 'ow that
+he'd given the matter o' two 'under'd&mdash;or I'm not sure it weren't two
+'under'd-and-fifty guineas for 'im, and&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' interrupted Mr. Waffles, tired of his verbosity, 'and what did they
+say about the horse?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why,' continued Mr. Buckram, thoughtfully, propping his chin up with his
+stick, and drawing all the half-crowns up to the top of his pocket again,
+'the fust 'spicious thing I heard was Sir Digby Snaffle's grum, Sam, sayin'
+to Captain Screwley's bat-man grum, jist afore the George Inn door,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'"Well, Jack, Tommy's sold the brown oss!"</p>
+
+<p>'"N&mdash;<span class="smcap">o</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">o</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">r</span>!" exclaimed Jack, starin' 'is eyes
+out, as if it were unpossible.</p>
+
+<p>'"He '<i>as</i> though," said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'"Well, then, I 'ope the gemman's fond o' walkin'," exclaimed Jack, bustin'
+out a laughin' and runnin' on.</p>
+
+<p>'This rayther set me a thinkin',' continued Mr. Buckram, dropping a second
+half-crown, which jinked against the nest-egg one left at the bottom, 'and
+fearin' that Mr. Sponge had fallen 'mong the Philistines&mdash;which I was werry
+concerned about, for he's a real nice gent, but thoughtless, as many young
+gents are who 'ave plenty of tin&mdash;I made it my business to inquire 'bout
+this oss; and if he <i>is</i> the oss that I saw in Leicestersheer, and I 'ave
+little doubt about it (dropping two consecutive half-crowns as he spoke),
+though I've not seen him out, I&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! well, I bought him of Mr. Sponge, who said he got him from Lord
+Bullfrog,' interrupted Mr. Waffles.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! then he <i>is</i> the oss, in course,' said Mr. Buckram, with a sort of
+mournful chuck of the chin; 'he <i>is</i> the <a name="Page_92" id="Page_92"></a>oss,' repeated he; 'well, then,
+he's a dangerous hanimal,' added he, letting slip three half-crowns.</p>
+
+<p>'What does he do?' asked Mr. Waffles.</p>
+
+<p>'Do!' repeated Mr. Buckram, '<span class="smcap">do</span>! he'll do for anybody.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' responded Mr. Waffles; adding, 'how could Mr. Sponge sell me such
+a brute?'</p>
+
+<p>'I doesn't mean to say, mind ye,' observed Mr. Buckram, drawing back three
+half-crowns, as though he had gone that much too far,&mdash;'I doesn't mean to
+say, mind, that he's wot you call a misteched, runaway,
+rear-backwards-over-hanimal&mdash;but I mean to say he's a difficultish oss to
+ride&mdash;himpetuous&mdash;and one that, if he got the hupper 'and, would be werry
+likely to try and keep the hupper 'and&mdash;you understand me?' said he, eyeing
+Mr. Waffles intently, and dropping four half-crowns as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm tellin' you nothin' but the truth,' observed Mr. Buckram, after a
+pause, adding, 'in course it's nothin' to me, only bein' down here on a
+visit to a friend, and 'earin' that the oss were 'ere, I made bold to look
+in to see whether it was 'im or no. No offence, I 'opes,' added he, letting
+go the rest of the silver, and taking the prop from under his chin, with an
+obeisance as if he was about to be off.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, no offence at all,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, 'no offence&mdash;rather the
+contrary. Indeed, I'm much obliged to you for telling me what you have
+done. Just stop half a minute,' added he, thinking he might as well try and
+get something more out of him. While Mr. Waffles was considering his next
+question, Mr. Buckram saved him the trouble of thinking by 'leading the
+gallop' himself.</p>
+
+<p>'I believe 'im to be a <i>good</i> oss, and I believe 'im to be a <i>bad</i> oss,'
+observed Mr. Buckram, sententiously. 'I believe that oss, with a bold rider
+on his back, and well away with the 'ounds, would beat most osses goin',
+but it's the start that's the difficulty with him; for if, on the other
+'and, he don't incline to go, all the spurrin', and quiltin', and
+leatherin' in the world won't make 'im. It'll be a mercy o' Providence if
+he don't cut out work for the crowner some day.'</p><p><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Hang the brute!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, in disgust; 'I've a good mind to
+have his throat cut.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nay,' replied Mr. Buckram, brightening up, and stirring the silver round
+and round in his pocket like a whirlpool, 'nay,' replied he, 'he's fit for
+summat better nor that.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not much, I think,' replied Mr. Waffles, pouting with disgust. He now
+stood silent for a few seconds.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but what did they mean by hoping Mr. Sponge was fond of walking?' at
+length asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, vy,' replied Mr. Buckram, gathering all the money up again, 'I believe
+it was this 'ere,' beginning to drop them to half-minute time, and talking
+very slowly; 'the oss, I believe, got the better of Lord Bullfrog one day,
+somewhere a little on this side of Thrussinton&mdash;that, you know, is where
+Sir 'Arry built his kennels&mdash;between Mount Sorrel and Melton in fact&mdash;and
+havin' got his Lordship off, who, I should tell you, is an uncommon fat
+'un, he wouldn't let him on again, and he 'ad to lead him the matter of I
+don't know 'ow many miles'; Mr. Buckram letting go the whole balance of
+silver in a rush, as if to denote that it was no joke.</p>
+
+<p>'The brute!' observed Mr. Waffles, in disgust, adding, 'Well, as you seem
+to have a pretty good opinion of him, suppose you buy him; I'll let you
+have him cheap.'</p>
+
+<p>''Ord bless you&mdash;my lord&mdash;that's to say, sir!' exclaimed Buckram, shrugging
+up his shoulders, and raising his eyebrows as high as they would go, 'he'd
+be of no use to me, none votsomever&mdash;shouldn't know what to do with
+him&mdash;never do for 'arness&mdash;besides, I 'ave a werry good machiner as it
+is&mdash;at least, he sarves my turn, and that's everything, you know. No, sir,
+no,' continued he, slowly and thoughtfully, dropping the silver to
+half-minute time; 'no, sir, no; if I might make free with a gen'leman o'
+your helegance,' continued he, after a pause,' I'd say, sell 'im to a
+post-master or a buss-master, or some sich cattle as those, but I doesn't
+think I'd put 'im into the 'ands of no gen'leman, that's to say if I were
+<i>you</i>, at least,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, will you speculate on him yourself for <a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a>the buss-masters?'
+asked Mr. Waffles, tired alike of the colloquy and the quadruped.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 261px;">
+<img src="images/image094.jpg" width="261" height="300" alt="PORTRAIT OF LORD BULLFROG, FORMERLY OWNER OF &#39;HERCULES&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">PORTRAIT OF LORD BULLFROG, FORMERLY OWNER OF &#39;HERCULES&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Oh, vy, as to that,' replied Mr. Buckram, with an air of the most perfect
+indifference, 'vy, as to that&mdash;not bein' nouther a post-master nor a
+buss-master&mdash;but 'aving, as I said before, a little hindependence o' my
+own, vy, I couldn't in course give such a bountiful price as if I could
+turn 'im to account at once; but if it would be any 'commodation to you,'
+added he, working the silver up into full cry, 'I wouldn't mind givin' you
+the with (worth) of 'im&mdash;say, deductin' expenses hup to town, and standin'
+at livery afore I finds a customer&mdash;expenses hup to town,' continued Mr.
+Buckram, muttering to himself<a name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></a> in apparent calculation, 'standin' at
+livery&mdash;three-and-sixpence a night, grum, and so on&mdash;I wouldn't mind,'
+continued he briskly, 'givin' of you twenty pund for 'im&mdash;if you'd throw me
+back a sov.,' continued he, seeing Mr. Waffles' brow didn't contract into
+the frown he expected at having such a sum offered for his
+three-hundred-guinea horse.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of an hour, that wonderful invention of modern times,&mdash;the
+Electric Telegraph&mdash;conveyed the satisfactory words 'All right' to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, just as he was sitting down to dinner in a certain
+sumptuously sanded coffee-room in Conduit Street, who forthwith sealed and
+posted the following ready-written letter:</p>
+
+<p>'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.</p>
+<p>'SIR,</p>
+
+
+<p>'I have been greatly surprised and hurt to hear that you have thought fit
+to impeach my integrity, and insinuate that I had taken you in with the
+brown horse. Such insinuations touch one in a tender point&mdash;one's
+self-respect. The bargain, I may remind you, was of your own seeking, and I
+told you at the time I knew nothing of the horse, having only ridden him
+once, and I also told you where I got him. To show how unjust and unworthy
+your insinuations have been, I have now to inform you that, having
+ascertained that Lord Bullfrog knew he was vicious, I insisted on his
+lordship taking him back, and have only to add that, on my receiving him
+from you, I will return you your bill.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'I am, Sir, your obedient servant,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'H. SPONGE.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To <span class="smcap">w. waffles</span>, Esq.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i26">'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles was a good deal vexed and puzzled when he got this letter. He
+had parted with the horse, who was gone no one knew where, and Mr. Waffles
+felt that he had used a certain freedom of speech in speaking of the
+transaction. Mr. Sponge having left Laverick Wells, had, perhaps, led him a
+little astray with his tongue&mdash;slandering an absent man being generally
+<a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a>thought a pretty safe game; it now seemed Mr. Waffles was all wrong, and
+might have had his money back if he had not been in such a hurry to part
+with the horse. Like a good many people, he thought he had best eat up his
+words, which he did in the following manner:</p>
+
+<p>'IMPERIAL HOTEL, LAVERICK WELLS.</p>
+<p>'DEAR MR. SPONGE,</p>
+
+<p>'You are quite mistaken in supposing that I ever insinuated anything
+against <i>you</i> with regard to the horse. I said <i>he</i> was a beast, and it
+seems Lord Bullfrog admits it. However, never mind anything more about him,
+though I am equally obliged to you for the trouble you have taken. The fact
+is, I have parted with him.</p>
+
+<p>'We are having capital sport; never go out but we kill, sometimes a brace,
+sometimes a leash of foxes. Hoping you are recovered from the effects of
+your ride through the window, and will soon rejoin us, believe me, dear Mr.
+Sponge,'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours very sincerely,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'W. WAFFLES.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>To which Mr. Sponge shortly after rejoined as follows:</p>
+
+<p>'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.</p>
+<p>'DEAR WAFFLES,</p>
+
+<p>'Yours to hand&mdash;I am glad to receive a disclaimer of any unworthy
+imputations respecting the brown horse. Such insinuations are only for
+horse-dealers, not for men of high gentlemanly feeling.</p>
+
+<p>'I am sorry to say we have not got out of the horse as I hoped. Lord
+Bullfrog, who is a most cantankerous fellow, insists upon having him back,
+according to the terms of my letter; I must therefore trouble you to hunt
+him up, and let us accommodate his lordship with him again. If you will say
+where he is, I may very likely know some one who can assist us in getting
+him. You will excuse this trouble, I hope, considering that it was to serve
+you that I moved in the matter, and insisted on <a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a>returning him to his
+lordship, at a loss of &pound;50 to myself, having only given &pound;250 for him.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'I remain, dear Waffles,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours sincerely,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'H. SPONGE.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To <span class="smcap">w. waffles</span>, Esq.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i26">'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'LAVERICK WELLS.</p>
+<p>'DEAR SPONGE,<br /></p>
+
+<p>'I'm afraid Bullfrog will have to make himself happy without his horse, for
+I hav'n't the slightest idea where he is. I sold him to a cockneyfied,
+countryfied sort of a man, who said he had a small "hindependence of his
+own"&mdash;somewhere, I believe, about London. He didn't give much for him, as
+you may suppose, when I tell you he paid for him chiefly in silver. If I
+were you, I wouldn't trouble myself about him.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours very truly,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'W. WAFFLES.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To H. SPONGE, Esq.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Our hero addressed Mr. Waffles again, in the course of a few days, as
+follows:</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">'dear waffles</span>,</p>
+
+<p>'I am sorry to say Bullfrog won't be put off without the horse. He says I
+insisted on his taking him back, and now he insists on having him. I have
+had his lawyer, Mr. Chousam, of the great firm of Chousam, Doem, and Co.,
+of Throgmorton Street, at me, who says his lordship will play old
+gooseberry with us if we don't return him by Saturday. Pray put on all
+steam, and look him up.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours in haste,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'H. SPONGE.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles did put on all steam, and so successfully<a name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a> that he ran the
+horse to ground at our friend Mr. Buckram's. Though the horse was in the
+box adjoining the house, Mr. Buckram declared he had sold him to go to
+'Hireland'; to what county he really couldn't say, nor to what hunt; all he
+knew was, the gentleman said he was a 'captin,' and lived in a castle.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Waffles communicated the intelligence to Sponge, requesting him to do
+the best he could for him, who reported what his 'best' was in the
+following letter:</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">'dear waffles,</span></p>
+
+<p>'My lawyer has seen Chousam, and deuced stiff he says he was. It seems
+Bullfrog is indignant at being accused of a "do"; and having got me in the
+wrong box, by not being able to return the horse as claimed, he meant to
+work me. At first Chousam would hear of nothing but "l&mdash;a&mdash;w." Bullfrog's
+wounded honour could only be salved that way. Gradually, however, we
+diverged from l&mdash;a&mdash;w to &pound;&mdash;s.&mdash;d.; and the upshot of it is, that he will
+advise his lordship to take &pound;250 and be done with it. It's a bore; but I
+did it for the best, and shall be glad now to know your wishes on the
+subject. Meanwhile, I remain,'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours very truly,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'H. SPONGE.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To <span class="smcap">w. waffles</span>, Esq.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Formerly a remittance by post used to speak for itself. The tender-fingered
+clerks could detect an enclosure, however skilfully folded. Few people
+grudged double postage in those days. Now one letter is so much like
+another, that nothing short of opening them makes one any wiser. Mr. Sponge
+received Mr. Waffles' answer from the hands of the waiter with the sort of
+feeling that it was only the continuation of their correspondence. Judge,
+then, of his delight, when a nice, clean, crisp promissory note, on a
+five-shilling stamp, fell quivering to the floor. A few lines, expressive
+of Mr. Waffles' gratitude for the trouble our hero had taken, and hopes
+that it would not be inconvenient to take a note at two <a name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></a>months,
+accompanied it. At first Mr. Sponge was overjoyed. It would set him up for
+the season. He thought how he'd spend it. He had half a mind to go to
+Melton. There were no heiresses there, or else he would. Leamington would
+do, only it was rather expensive. Then he thought he might as well have
+done Waffles a little more.</p>
+
+<p>'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I don't do myself justice! I'm too much
+of a gentleman! I should have had five 'under'd&mdash;such an ass as Waffles
+deserves to be done!'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+
+<h3>A NEW SCHEME</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 264px;">
+<img src="images/image099.jpg" width="264" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Our friend Soapey was now in good feather; he had got a large price for his
+good-for-nothing horse, with a very handsome bonus for not getting him
+back, making him better off than he had been for some time. Gentlemen of
+his calibre are generally extremely affluent in everything except cash.
+They have bills without end&mdash;bills that nobody will touch, and book debts
+in abundance&mdash;book debts entered with metallic pencils in curious little
+clasped pocket-books, with such utter disregard of method that it would
+puzzle an accountant to comb them into anything like shape.</p>
+
+<p>It is true, what Mr. Sponge got from Mr. Waffles<a name="Page_100" id="Page_100"></a> were bills&mdash;but they were
+good bills, and of such reasonable date as the most exacting of the Jew
+tribe would 'do' for twenty per cent. Mr. Sponge determined to keep the
+game alive, and getting Hercules and Multum in Parvo together again, he
+added a showy piebald hack, that Buckram had just got from some circus
+people who had not been able to train him to their work.</p>
+
+<p>The question now was, where to man&#339;uvre this imposing stud&mdash;a problem
+that Mr. Sponge quickly solved.</p>
+
+<p>Among the many strangers who rushed into indiscriminate friendship with our
+hero at Laverick Wells, was Mr. Jawleyford, of Jawleyford Court, in
+----shire. Jawleyford was a great humbug. He was a fine, off-hand,
+open-hearted, cheery sort of fellow, who was always delighted to see you,
+would start at the view, and stand with open arms in the middle of the
+street, as though quite overjoyed at the meeting. Though he never gave
+dinners, nor anything where he was, he asked everybody, at least everybody
+who did give them, to visit him at Jawleyford Court. If a man was fond of
+fishing, he must come to Jawleyford Court, he must, indeed; he would take
+no refusal, he wouldn't leave him alone till he promised. He would show him
+such fishing&mdash;no waters in the world to compare with his. The Shannon and
+the Tweed were not to be spoken of in the same day as his waters in the
+Swiftley.</p>
+
+<p>Shooting, the same way. 'By Jove! are you a shooter? Well, I'm delighted to
+hear it. Well, now, we shall be at home all September, and up to the middle
+of October, and you must just come to us at your own time, and I will give
+you some of the finest partridge and pheasant shooting you ever saw in your
+life; Norfolk can show nothing to what I can. Now, my good fellow, say the
+word; <i>do</i> say you'll come, and then it will be a settled thing, and I
+shall look forward to it with such pleasure!'</p>
+
+<p>He was equally magnanimous about hunting, though, like a good many people
+who have 'had their hunts,' he pretended that his day was over, though he
+was a most zealous promoter of the sport. So he asked everybody <a name="Page_101" id="Page_101"></a>who did
+hunt to come and see him; and what with his hearty, affable manner, and the
+unlimited nature of his invitations, he generally passed for a deuced
+hospitable, good sort of fellow, and came in for no end of dinners and
+other entertainments for his wife and daughters, of which he had
+two&mdash;daughters, we mean, not wives. His time was about up at Laverick Wells
+when Mr. Sponge arrived there; nevertheless, during the few days that
+remained to them, Mr. Jawleyford contrived to scrape a pretty intimate
+acquaintance with a gentleman whose wealth was reported to equal, if it did
+not exceed, that of Mr. Waffles himself. The following was the closing
+scene between them:</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 245px;">
+<img src="images/image101.jpg" width="245" height="300" alt="Jawleyford of Jawleyford Court" title="" />
+<span class="caption">Jawleyford of Jawleyford Court</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Mr. Sponge,' said he, getting our hero by both hands in Culeyford's
+Billiard Room, and shaking them as though he could not bear the idea of
+separation; 'my dear Mr. Sponge,' added he, 'I grieve to say we're going
+to-morrow; I had hoped to have stayed a little longer, and to have enjoyed
+the pleasure of your most agreeable society.' (This was true; he would have
+stayed, only his banker wouldn't let him have any more money.) 'But,
+however, I won't say adieu,' continued he; 'no, I <i>won't</i> say adieu! I
+live, as you perhaps know, in one of the best hunting countries in
+England&mdash;my Lord Scamperdale's&mdash;Scamperdale and I are like brothers; I can
+do whatever I like with him&mdash;he has, I may say, the finest pack of hounds
+in the world; his huntsman, Jack Frostyface, I really believe, cannot be
+surpassed. Come, then, my dear fellow,' continued Mr. Jawleyford,
+increasing the grasp and shake of the hands, and looking most earnestly in
+Sponge's face, as if deprecating a refusal; 'come, then, my dear fellow,
+and see us; we will do whatever we can to entertain and make you
+comfortable. Scamperdale shall keep <a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a>our side of the country till you come;
+there are capital stables at Lucksford, close to the station, and you shall
+have a stall for your hack at Jawleyford, and a man to look after him, if
+you like; so now, don't say nay&mdash;your time shall be ours&mdash;we shall be at
+home all the rest of the winter, and I flatter myself, if you once come
+down, you will be inclined to repeat your visit; at least, I hope so.'</p>
+
+<p>There are two common sayings; one, 'that birds of a feather flock
+together'; the other, 'that two of a trade never agree'; which often seem
+to us to contradict each other in the actual intercourse of life. Humbugs
+certainly have the knack of drawing together, and yet they are always
+excellent friends, and will vouch for the goodness of each other in a way
+that few straight-forward men think it worth their while to adopt with
+regard to indifferent people. Indeed, humbugs are not always content to
+defend their absent brother humbugs when they hear them abused, but they
+will frequently lug each other in neck and crop, apparently for no other
+purpose than that of proclaiming what excellent fellows they are, and see
+if anybody will take up the cudgels against them.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, albeit with a considerable cross of the humbug himself, and one
+who perfectly understood the usual worthlessness of general invitations,
+was yet so taken with Mr. Jawleyford's hail-fellow-well-met, earnest sort
+of manner, that, adopting the convenient and familiar solution in such
+matters, that there is no rule without an exception, concluded that Mr.
+Jawleyford was the exception, and really meant what he said.</p>
+
+<p>Independently of the attractions offered by hunting, which were both strong
+and cogent, we have said there were two young ladies, to whom fame attached
+the enormous fortunes common in cases where there is a large property and
+no sons. Still Sponge was a wary bird, and his experience of the
+worthlessness of most general invitations made him think it just possible
+that it might not suit Mr. Jawleyford to receive him now, at the particular
+time he wanted to go; so after duly considering the case, and also the
+impressive nature of the <a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a>invitation, so recently given, too, he determined
+not to give Jawleyford the chance of refusing him, but just to say he was
+coming, and drop down upon him before he could say 'no.' Accordingly, he
+penned the following epistle:</p>
+
+<p>'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND-STREET, LONDON.</p>
+<p>'DEAR JAWLEYFORD,</p>
+
+<p>'I purpose being with you to-morrow, by the express train, which I see, by
+Bradshaw, arrives at Lucksford a quarter to three. I shall only bring two
+hunters and a hack, so perhaps you could oblige me by taking them in for
+the short time I shall stay, as it would not be convenient for me to
+separate them. Hoping to find Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies well, I
+remain, dear sir,'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours very truly,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'H. SPONGE.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To&mdash;<span class="smcap">jawleyford</span>, Esq., Jawleyford Court, Lucksford.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Curse the fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, nearly choking himself with a
+fish bone, as he opened and read the foregoing at breakfast. 'Curse the
+fellow!' he repeated, stamping the letter under foot, as though he would
+crush it to atoms. 'Who ever saw such a piece of impudence as that!'</p>
+
+<p>'What's the matter, my dear?' inquired Mrs. Jawleyford, alarmed lest it was
+her dunning jeweller writing again.</p>
+
+<p>'Matter!' shrieked Jawleyford, in a tone that sounded through the thick
+wall of the room, and caused the hobbling old gardener on the terrace to
+peep in at the heavy-mullioned window. 'Matter!' repeated he, as though he
+had got his <i>coup de gr&acirc;ce</i>; 'look there,' added he, handing over the
+letter.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, my dear,' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford soothingly, as soon as she saw it
+was not what she expected. 'Oh, my dear, I'm sure there's nothing to make
+you put yourself so much out of the way.' <a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a>'No!' roared Jawleyford,
+determined not to be done out of his grievance. 'No!' repeated he; 'do you
+call that nothing?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, nothing to make yourself unhappy about,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford,
+rather pleased than otherwise; for she was glad it was not from Rings, the
+jeweller, and, moreover, hated the monotony of Jawleyford Court, and was
+glad of anything to relieve it. If she had had her own way, she would have
+gadded about at watering-places all the year round.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Jawleyford, with a toss of the head and a shrug of
+resignation, 'you'll have me in gaol; I see that.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nay, my dear J.,' rejoined his wife, soothingly; 'I'm sure you've plenty
+of money.'</p>
+
+<p>'Have I!' ejaculated Jawleyford. 'Do you suppose, if I had, I'd have left
+Laverick Wells without paying Miss Bustlebey, or given a bill at three
+months for the house-rent?'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my dear, you've nothing to do but tell Mr. Screwemtight to get
+you some money from the tenants.'</p>
+
+<p>'Money from the tenants!' replied Mr. Jawleyford. 'Screwemtight tells me he
+can't get another farthing from any man on the estate.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, pooh!' said Mrs. Jawleyford; 'you're far too good to them. I always
+say Screwemtight looks far more to their interest than he does to yours.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 233px;">
+<img src="images/image105.jpg" width="233" height="301" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Jawleyford, we may observe, was one of the rather numerous race of
+paper-booted, pen-and-ink landowners. He always dressed in the country as
+he would in St. James's Street, and his communications with his tenantry
+were chiefly confined to dining with them twice a year in the great
+entrance-hall, after Mr. Screwemtight had eased them of their cash in the
+steward's room. Then Mr. Jawleyford would shine forth the very
+impersonification of what a landlord ought to be. Dressed in the height of
+the fashion, as if by his clothes to give the lie to his words, he would
+expatiate on the delights of such meetings of equality; declare that, next
+to those spent with his family, the only really happy moments of his life
+were those when <a name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a>he was surrounded by his tenantry; he doated on the manly
+character of the English farmer. Then he would advert to the great
+antiquity of the Jawleyford family, many generations of whom looked down
+upon them from the walls of the old hall; some on their war-steeds, some
+armed <i>cap-&agrave;-pie</i>, some in court-dresses, some in Spanish ones, one in a
+white dress with gold brocade breeches and a hat with an enormous plume,
+old Jawleyford (father of the present one) in the Windsor uniform, and our
+friend himself, the very prototype of what then stood before them. Indeed,
+he had been <a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a>painted in the act of addressing his hereditary chawbacons in
+the hall in which the picture was suspended. There he stood, with his
+bright auburn hair (now rather badger-pied, perhaps, but still very
+passable by candlelight)&mdash;his bright auburn hair, we say, swept boldly off
+his lofty forehead, his hazy grey eyes flashing with the excitement of
+drink and animation, his left hand reposing on the hip of his well-fitting
+black pantaloons, while the right one, radiant with rings, and trimmed with
+upturned wristband, sawed the air, as he rounded off the periods of the
+well-accustomed saws.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford, like a good many people, was very hospitable when in full
+fig&mdash;two soups, two fishes, and the necessary concomitants; but he would
+see any one far enough before he would give him a dinner merely because he
+wanted one. That sort of ostentatious banqueting has about brought country
+society in general to a deadlock. People tire of the constant revision of
+plate, linen, and china.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jawleyford, on the other hand, was a very rough-and-ready sort of
+woman, never put out of her way; and though she constantly preached the old
+doctrine that girls 'are much better single than married,' she was always
+on the look-out for opportunities of contradicting her assertions.</p>
+
+<p>She was an Irish lady, with a pedigree almost as long as Jawleyford's, but
+more compressible pride, and if she couldn't get a duke, she would take a
+marquis or an earl, or even put up with a rich commoner.</p>
+
+<p>The perusal, therefore, of Sponge's letter, operated differently upon her
+to what it did upon her husband, and though she would have liked a little
+more time, perhaps, she did not care to take him as they were. Jawleyford,
+however, resisted violently. It would be most particularly inconvenient to
+him to receive company at that time. If Mr. Sponge had gone through the
+whole three hundred and sixty-five days in the year, he could not have hit
+upon a more inconvenient one for him. Besides, he had no idea of people
+writing in that sort of a way, saying they were coming, without giving him
+the chance of saying no. <a name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></a>'Well, but, my dear, I dare say you asked him,'
+observed Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford was silent, the scene in the billiard-room recurring to his
+mind.</p>
+
+<p>'I've often told you, my dear,' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, kindly, 'that
+you shouldn't be so free with your invitations if you don't want people to
+come; things are very different now to what they were in the old coaching
+and posting days, when it took a day and a night and half the next day to
+get here, and I don't know how much money besides. You might then invite
+people with safety, but it is very different now, when they have nothing to
+do but put themselves into the express train and whisk down in a few
+hours.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, confound him, I didn't ask his horses,' exclaimed Jawleyford;
+'nor will I have them either,' continued he, with a jerk of the head, as he
+got up and rang the bell, as though determined to put a stop to that at all
+events.</p>
+
+<p>'Samuel,' said he, to the dirty page of a boy who answered the summons,
+'tell John Watson to go down to the Railway Tavern directly, and desire
+them to get a three-stalled stable ready for a gentleman's horses that are
+coming to-day&mdash;a gentleman of the name of Sponge,' added he, lest any one
+else should chance to come and usurp them&mdash;'and tell John to meet the
+express train, and tell the gentleman's groom where it is.'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>JAWLEYFORD COURT</h3>
+
+
+<p>True to a minute, the hissing engine drew the swiftly gliding train beneath
+the elegant and costly station at Lucksford&mdash;an edifice presenting a rare
+contrast to the wretched old red-tiled, five-windowed house, called the Red
+Lion, where a brandy-faced blacksmith <a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a>of a landlord used to emerge from
+the adjoining smithy, to take charge of any one who might arrive per coach
+for that part of the country. Mr. Sponge was quickly on the platform,
+seeing to the detachment of his horse-box.</p>
+
+<p>Just as the cavalry was about got into marching order, up rode John Watson,
+a ragamuffin-looking gamekeeper, in a green plush coat, with a very
+tarnished laced hat, mounted on a very shaggy white pony, whose hide seemed
+quite impervious to the visitations of a heavily-knotted dogwhip, with
+which he kept saluting his shoulders and sides.</p>
+
+<p>'Please, sir,' said he, riding up to Mr. Sponge, with a touch of the old
+hat, 'I've got you a capital three-stall stable at the Railway Tavern,
+here,' pointing to a newly built brick house standing on the rising ground.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! but I'm going to Jawleyford Court,' responded our friend, thinking the
+man was the 'tout' of the tavern.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Jawleyford don't take in horses, sir,' rejoined the man, with another
+touch of the hat.</p>
+
+<p>'He'll take in <i>mine</i>,' observed Mr. Sponge, with an air of authority.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I beg pardon, sir,' replied the keeper, thinking he had made a
+mistake; 'it was Mr. Sponge whose horses I had to bespeak stalls for,'
+touching his hat profusely as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, <i>this</i> be Mister Sponge,' observed Leather, who had been listening
+attentively to what passed.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed!' said the keeper, again turning to our hero with an 'I beg pardon,
+sir, but the stable <i>is</i> for you then, sir&mdash;for Mr. Sponge, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'How do you know that?' demanded our friend.</p>
+
+<p>''Cause Mr. Spigot, the butler, says to me, says he, "Mr. Watson," says
+he&mdash;my name's Watson, you see,' continued the speaker, sawing away at his
+hat, 'my name's Watson, you see, and I'm the head gamekeeper. "Mr. Watson,"
+says he, "you must go down to the tavern and order a three-stall stable for
+a gentleman of the name of Sponge, whose horses are a comin' to-day"; and
+in course I've come 'cordingly,' added Watson. <a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a>'A <i>three</i>-stall'd stable!'
+observed Mr. Sponge, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'A three-stall'd stable,' repeated Mr. Watson.</p>
+
+<p>'Confound him, but he said he'd take in a hack at all events,' observed
+Sponge, with a sideway shake of the head; 'and a hack he <i>shall</i> take in,
+too' he added. 'Are your stables full at Jawleyford Court?' he asked.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord bless you, no, sir,' replied Watson with a leer; 'there's nothin' in
+them but a couple of weedy hacks and a pair of old worn-out
+carriage-horses.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then I can get this hack taken in, at all events,' observed Sponge, laying
+his hand on the neck of the piebald as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, as to that,' replied Mr. Watson, with a shake of the head, 'I can't
+say nothin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'I must, though,' rejoined Sponge, tartly; 'he <i>said</i> he'd take in my hack,
+or I wouldn't have come.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, sir,' observed the keeper, 'you know best, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Confounded screw!' muttered Sponge, turning away to give his orders to
+Leather. 'I'll <i>work</i> him for it,' he added. 'He sha'n't get rid of <i>me</i> in
+a hurry&mdash;at least, not unless I can get a better billet elsewhere.'</p>
+
+<p>Having arranged the parting with Leather, and got a cart to carry his
+things, Mr. Sponge mounted the piebald, and put himself under the guidance
+of Watson to be conducted to his destination. The first part of the journey
+was performed in silence, Mr. Sponge not being particularly well pleased at
+the reception his request to have his horses taken in had met with. This
+silence he might perhaps have preserved throughout had it not occurred to
+him that he might pump something out of the servant about the family he was
+going to visit.</p>
+
+<p>'That's not a bad-like old cob of yours,' he observed, drawing rein so as
+to let the shaggy white come alongside of him.</p>
+
+<p>'He belies his looks, then,' replied Watson, with a grin of his cadaverous
+face, 'for he's just as bad a beast as ever looked through a bridle. It's a
+parfect disgrace to a gentleman to put a man on such a beast.'</p><p><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a></p>
+
+<p>Sponge saw the sort of man he had got to deal with, and proceeded
+accordingly.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you lived long with Mr. Jawleyford?' he asked.</p>
+
+<p>'No, nor will I, if I can help it,' replied Watson, with another grin and
+another touch of the old hat. Touching his hat was about the only piece of
+propriety he was up to.</p>
+
+<p>'What, he's not a brick, then?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Mean man,' replied Watson with a shake of the head; 'mean man,' he
+repeated. 'You're nowise connected with the fam'ly, I s'pose?' he asked
+with a look of suspicion lest he might be committing himself.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sponge; 'no; merely an acquaintance. We met at Laverick
+Wells, and he pressed me to come and see him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' said Watson, feeling at ease again.</p>
+
+<p>'Who did you live with before you came here?' asked Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause.</p>
+
+<p>'I lived many years&mdash;the greater part of my life, indeed&mdash;with Sir Harry
+Swift. <i>He</i> was a <i>real</i> gentleman now, if you like&mdash;free, open-handed
+gentleman&mdash;none of your close-shavin', cheese-parin' sort of gentlemen, or
+imitation gentlemen, as I calls them, but a man who knew what was due to
+good servants and gave them it. We had good wages, and all the proper
+"reglars." Bless you, I could sell a new suit of clothes there every year,
+instead of having to wear the last keeper's cast-offs, and a hat that would
+disgrace anything but a flay-crow. If the linin' wasn't stuffed full of
+gun-waddin' it would be over my nose,' he observed, taking it off and
+adjusting the layer of wadding as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'You should have stuck to Sir Harry,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I did,' rejoined Watson. 'I did, I stuck to him to the last. I'd have been
+with him now, only he couldn't get a manor at Boulogne, and a keeper was of
+no use without one.'</p>
+
+<p>'What, he went to Boulogne, did he?' observed Mr. Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Aye, the more's the pity,' replied Watson. 'He was a gentleman, every inch
+of him,' he added, with a shake of the head and a sigh, as if recurring to
+more prosperous times. 'He was what a gentleman ought to be,' he continued,
+'not one of your poor, pryin', inquisitive critturs, what's always fancyin'
+themselves cheated. I ordered everything in my department, and paid for it
+too; and never had a bill disputed or even commented on. I might have
+charged for a ton of powder, and never had nothin' said.'</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Jawleyford's not likely to find his way to Boulogne, I suppose?'
+observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Not he!' exclaimed Watson, 'not he!&mdash;safe bird&mdash;<i>very</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'He's rich, I suppose?' continued Sponge, with an air of indifference.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, <i>I</i> should say he was; though others say he's not,' replied Watson,
+cropping the old pony with the dog-whip, as it nearly fell on its nose. 'He
+can't fail to be rich, with all his property; though they're desperate
+hands for gaddin' about; always off to some waterin'-place or another,
+lookin' for husbands, I suppose. I wonder,' he continued, 'that gentlemen
+can't settle at home, and amuse themselves with coursin' and shootin'.' Mr.
+Watson, like many servants, thinking that the bulk of a gentleman's income
+should be spent in promoting the particular sport over which they preside.</p>
+
+<p>With this and similar discourse, they beguiled the short distance between
+the station and the Court&mdash;a distance, however, that looked considerably
+greater after the flying rapidity of the rail. But for these occasional
+returns to <i>terra firma</i>, people would begin to fancy themselves birds.
+After rounding a large but gently swelling hill, over the summit of which
+the road, after the fashion of old roads, led, our traveller suddenly
+looked down upon the wide vale of Sniperdown, with Jawleyford Court
+glittering with a bright open aspect, on a fine, gradual elevation, above
+the broad, smoothly gliding river. A clear atmosphere, indicative either of
+rain or frost, disclosed a vast tract of wild, flat, ill-cultivated-looking
+country to the south, little <a name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></a>interrupted by woods or signs of population;
+the whole losing itself, as it were, in an indistinct grey outline,
+commingling with the fleecy white clouds in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>'Here we be,' observed Watson, with a nod towards where a tarnished
+red-and-gold flag, floated, or rather flapped lazily in the winter's
+breeze, above an irregular mass of towers, turrets, and odd-shaped
+chimneys.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;">
+<img src="images/image112.jpg" width="250" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Jawleyford Court was a fine old mansion, partaking more of the character of
+a castle than a Court, with its keep and towers, battlements, heavily
+grated mullioned windows, and machicolated gallery. It stood, sombre and
+grey, in the midst of gigantic but now leafless <a name="Page_113" id="Page_113"></a>sycamores&mdash;trees that had
+to thank themselves for being sycamores; for, had they been oaks, or other
+marketable wood, they would have been made into bonnets or shawls long
+before now. The building itself was irregular, presenting different sorts
+of architecture, from pure Gothic down to some even perfectly modern
+buildings; still, viewed as a whole, it was massive and imposing; and as
+Mr. Sponge looked down upon it, he thought far more of Jawleyford and Co.
+than he did as the mere occupants of a modest, white-stuccoed,
+green-verandahed house, at Laverick Wells. Nor did his admiration diminish
+as he advanced, and, crossing by a battlemented bridge over the moat, he
+viewed the massive character of the buildings rising grandly from their
+rocky foundation. An imposing, solemn-toned old clock began striking four,
+as the horsemen rode under the Gothic portico, whose notes re-echoed and
+reverberated, and at last lost themselves among the towers and pinnacles of
+the building. Sponge, for a moment, was awe-stricken at the magnificence of
+the scene, feeling that it was what he would call 'a good many cuts above
+him'; but he soon recovered his wonted impudence.</p>
+
+<p>'He <i>would</i> have me,' thought he, recalling the pressing nature of the
+Jawleyford invitation.</p>
+
+<p>'If you'll hold my nag,' said Watson, throwing himself off the shaggy
+white, 'I'll ring the bell,' added he, running up a wide flight of steps to
+the hall-door. A riotous peal announced the arrival.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE JAWLEYFORD ESTABLISHMENT</h3>
+
+
+<p>The loud peal of the Jawleyford Court door-bell, announcing Mr. Sponge's
+arrival, with which we closed the last chapter, found the inhabitants
+variously engaged preparing for his reception.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jawleyford, with the aid of a very indifferent cook, was endeavouring
+to arrange a becoming dinner; the young ladies, with the aid of a somewhat
+better sort<a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a> of maid, were attractifying themselves, each looking with
+considerable jealousy on the efforts of the other; and Mr. Jawleyford was
+trotting from room to room, eyeing the various pictures of himself,
+wondering which was now the most like, and watching the emergence of
+curtains, carpets, and sofas from their brown holland covers.</p>
+
+<p>A gleam of sunshine seemed to reign throughout the mansion; the
+long-covered furniture appearing to have gained freshness by its
+retirement, just as a newly done-up hat surprises the wearer by its
+goodness; a few days, however, soon restores the defects of either.</p>
+
+<p>All these arrangements were suddenly brought to a close by the peal of the
+door-bell, just as the little stage-tinkle of a theatre stops preparation,
+and compels the actors to stand forward as they are. Mrs. Jawleyford threw
+aside her silk apron, and took a hasty glance of her face in the old
+eagle-topped mirror in the still-room; the young ladies discarded their
+coarse dirty pocket-handkerchiefs, and gently drew elaborately fringed ones
+through their taper fingers to give them an air of use, as they took a
+hasty review of themselves in the swing mirrors; the housemaid hurried off
+with a whole armful of brown holland; and Jawleyford threw himself into
+attitude in an elaborately carved, richly cushioned, easy-chair, with a
+Disraeli's <i>Life of Lord George Bentinck</i> in his hand. But Jawleyford's
+thoughts were far from his book. He was sitting on thorns lest there might
+not be a proper guard of honour to receive Mr. Sponge at the entrance.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford, as we said before, was not the man to entertain unless he could
+do it 'properly'; and, as we all have our pitch-notes of propriety up to
+which we play, we may state that Jawleyford's note was a butler and two
+footmen. A butler and two footmen he looked upon as perfectly indispensable
+to receiving company. He chose to have two footmen to follow the butler,
+who followed the gentleman to the spacious flight of steps leading from the
+great hall to the portico, as he mounted his horse. The world is governed a
+good deal by appearances. <a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a>Mr. Jawleyford started life with two most
+unimpeachable Johns. They were nearly six feet high, heads well up, and
+legs that might have done for models for a sculptor. They powdered with the
+greatest propriety, and by two o'clock each day were silk-stockinged and
+pumped in full-dress Jawleyford livery; sky-blue coats with massive silver
+<i>aiguillettes</i>, and broad silver seams down the front and round their
+waistcoat-pocket flaps; silver garters at their crimson plush breeches'
+knees: and thus attired, they were ready to turn out with the butler to
+receive visitors, and conduct them back to their carriages. Gradually they
+came down in style, but not in number, and, when Mr. Sponge visited Mr.
+Jawleyford, he had a sort of out-of-door man-of-all-work who metamorphosed
+himself into a second footman at short notice.</p>
+
+<p>'My dear Mr. Sponge!&mdash;I am delighted to see you!' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford,
+rising from his easy-chair, and throwing his Disraeli's <i>Bentinck</i> aside,
+as Mr. Spigot, the butler, in a deep, sonorous voice, announced our worthy
+friend. 'This is, indeed, most truly kind of you,' continued Jawleyford,
+advancing to meet him; and getting our friend by both hands, he began
+working his arms up and down like the under man in a saw-pit. 'This is,
+indeed, most truly kind,' he repeated; 'I assure you I shall never forget
+it. It's just what I like&mdash;it's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes&mdash;it's just
+what we <i>all</i> like&mdash;coming without fuss or ceremony. Spigot!' he added,
+hailing old Pomposo as the latter was slowly withdrawing, thinking what a
+humbug his master was&mdash;'Spigot!' he repeated in a louder voice; 'let the
+ladies know Mr. Sponge is here. Come to the fire, my dear fellow,'
+continued Jawleyford, clutching his guest by the arm, and drawing him
+towards where an ample grate of indifferent coals was crackling and
+spluttering beneath a magnificent old oak mantelpiece of the richest and
+costliest carved work. 'Come to the fire, my dear fellow,' he repeated,
+'for you feel cold; and I don't wonder at it, for the day is cheerless and
+uncomfortable, and you've had a long ride. Will you take anything before
+dinner?'</p><p><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a></p>
+
+<p>'What time do you dine?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing his hands as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Six o'clock,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'six o'clock&mdash;say six o'clock&mdash;not
+particular to a moment&mdash;days are short, you see&mdash;days are short.'</p>
+
+<p>'I think I should like a glass of sherry and a biscuit, then,' observed Mr.
+Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>And forthwith the bell was rung, and in due course of time Mr. Spigot
+arrived with a tray, followed by the Miss Jawleyfords, who had rather
+expected Mr. Sponge to be shown into the drawing-room to them, where they
+had composed themselves very prettily; one working a parrot in chenille,
+the other with a lapful of crochet.</p>
+
+<p>The Miss Jawleyfords&mdash;Amelia and Emily&mdash;were lively girls; hardly
+beauties&mdash;at least, not sufficiently so to attract attention in a crowd;
+but still, girls well calculated to 'bring a man to book,' in the country.
+Mr. Thackeray, who bound up all the home truths in circulation, and many
+that exist only in the inner chambers of the heart, calling the whole
+'Vanity Fair,' says, we think (though we don't exactly know where to lay
+hand on the passage), that it is not your real striking beauties who are
+the most dangerous&mdash;at all events, that do the most execution&mdash;but sly,
+quiet sort of girls, who do not strike the beholder at first sight, but
+steal insensibly upon him as he gets acquainted. The Miss Jawleyfords were
+of this order. Seen in plain morning gowns, a man would meet them in the
+street, without either turning round or making an observation, good, bad,
+or indifferent; but in the close quarters of a country house, with all the
+able assistance of first-rate London dresses, well flounced and set out,
+each bent on doing the agreeable, they became dangerous. The Miss
+Jawleyfords were uncommonly well got up, and Juliana, their mutual maid,
+deserved great credit for the impartiality she displayed in arraying them.
+There wasn't a halfpenny's worth of choice as to which was the best. This
+was the more creditable to the maid, inasmuch as the dresses&mdash;sea-green
+glac&eacute;s&mdash;were rather dashed; and the worse they looked, the likelier they
+would be to become her property. Half-dashed dresses, however, <a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a>that would
+look rather seedy by contrast, come out very fresh in the country,
+especially in winter, when day begins to close in at four. And here we may
+observe, what a dreary time is that which intervenes between the arrival of
+a guest and the dinner hour, in the dead winter months in the country. The
+English are a desperate people for overweighting their conversational
+powers. They have no idea of penning up their small talk, and bringing it
+to bear in generous flow upon one particular hour; but they keep dribbling
+it out throughout the live-long day, wearying their listeners without
+benefiting themselves&mdash;just as a careless waggoner scatters his load on the
+road. Few people are insensible to the advantage of having their champagne
+brisk, which can only be done by keeping the cork in; but few ever think of
+keeping the cork of their own conversation in. See a Frenchman&mdash;how light
+and buoyant he trips into a drawing-room, fresh from the satisfactory
+scrutiny of the looking-glass, with all the news, and jokes, and
+tittle-tattle of the day, in full bloom! How sparkling and radiant he is,
+with something smart and pleasant to say to every one! How thoroughly happy
+and easy he is; and what a contrast to phlegmatic John Bull, who stands
+with his great red fists doubled, looking as if he thought whoever spoke to
+him would be wanting him to endorse a bill of exchange! But, as we said
+before, the dread hour before dinner is an awful time in the
+country&mdash;frightful when there are two hours, and never a subject in common
+for the company to work upon. Laverick Wells and their mutual acquaintance
+was all Sponge and Jawleyford's stock-in-trade; and that was a very small
+capital to begin upon, for they had been there together too short a time to
+make much of a purse of conversation. Even the young ladies, with their
+inquiries after the respective flirtations&mdash;how Miss Sawney and Captain
+Snubnose were 'getting on'? and whether the rich Widow Spankley was likely
+to bring Sir Thomas Greedey to book?&mdash;failed to make up a conversation; for
+Sponge knew little of the ins and outs of these matters, his attention
+having been more directed to Mr. Waffles than any one else. Still, the<a name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></a>
+mere questions, put in a playful, womanly way, helped the time on, and
+prevented things coming to that frightful deadlock of silence, that causes
+an involuntary inward exclamation of 'How <i>am I</i> to get through the time
+with this man?' There are people who seem to think that sitting and looking
+at each other constitutes society. Women have a great advantage over men in
+the talking way; they have always something to say. Let a lot of women be
+huddled together throughout the whole of a livelong day, and they will yet
+have such a balance of conversation at night, as to render it necessary to
+convert a bedroom into a clearing-house, to get rid of it. Men, however,
+soon get high and dry, especially before dinner; and a host ought to be at
+liberty to read the Riot Act, and disperse them to their bedrooms, till
+such times as they wanted to eat and drink.</p>
+
+<p>A most scientifically sounded gong, beginning low, like distant thunder,
+and gradually increasing its murmur till it filled the whole mansion with
+its roar, at length relieved all parties from the labour of further
+efforts; and, looking at his watch, Jawleyford asked Mrs. Jawleyford, in an
+innocent, indifferent sort of way, which was Mr. Sponge's room; though he
+had been fussing about it not long before, and dusting the portrait of
+himself in his green-and-gold yeomanry uniform, with an old
+pocket-handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>'The crimson room, my dear,' replied the well-drilled Mrs. Jawleyford; and
+Spigot coming with candles, Jawleyford preceded 'Mr. Sponge' up a splendid
+richly carved oak staircase, of such gradual and easy rise that an invalid
+might almost have been drawn up it in a garden-chair.</p>
+
+<p>Passing a short distance along a spacious corridor, Mr. Jawleyford
+presently opened a door to the right, and led the way into a large gloomy
+room, with a little newly lighted wood fire crackling in an enormous grate,
+making darkness visible, and drawing the cold out of the walls. We need
+scarcely say it was that terrible room&mdash;the best; with three creaking,
+ill-fitting windows, and heavy crimson satin-damask furniture, so old as
+scarcely to be able to sustain its own weight. <a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a>'Ah! here you are,'
+observed Mr. Jawleyford, as he nearly tripped over Sponge's luggage as it
+stood by the fire. 'Here you are,' repeated he, giving the candle a
+flourish, to show the size of the room, and draw it back on the portrait of
+himself above the mantelpiece. 'Ah! I declare here's an old picture of
+myself,' said he, holding the candle up to the face, as if he hadn't seen
+it for some time&mdash;'a picture that was done when I was in the Bumperkin
+yeomanry,' continued he, passing the light before the facings. 'That was
+considered a good likeness at the time,' said he, looking affectionately at
+it, and feeling his nose to see if it was still the same size. 'Ours was a
+capital corps&mdash;one of the best, if not the very best in the service. The
+inspecting officer always spoke of it in the highest possible
+terms&mdash;especially of <i>my</i> company, which really was just as perfect as
+anything my Lord Cardigan, or any of your crack disciplinarians, can
+produce. However, never mind,' continued he, lowering the candle, seeing
+Mr. Sponge didn't enter into the spirit of the thing; 'you'll be wanting to
+dress. You'll find hot water on the table yonder,' pointing to the far
+corner of the room, where the outline of a jug might just be descried;
+'there's a bell in the bed if you want anything; and dinner will be ready
+as soon as you are dressed. You needn't make yourself very fine,' added he,
+as he retired; 'for we are only ourselves: hope we shall have some of our
+neighbours to-morrow or next day, but we are rather badly off for
+neighbours just here&mdash;at least, for short-notice neighbours.' So saying, he
+disappeared through the dark doorway.</p>
+
+<p>The latter statement was true enough, for Jawleyford, though apparently
+such a fine open-hearted, sociable sort of man, was in reality a very
+quarrelsome, troublesome fellow. He quarrelled with all his neighbours in
+succession, generally getting through them every two or three years; and
+his acquaintance were divided into two classes&mdash;the best and the worst
+fellows under the sun. A stranger revising Jawleyford after an absence of a
+year or two, would very likely find the best fellows of former days
+transformed into the worst ones of that.<a name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></a> Thus, Parson Hobanob, that pet
+victim of country caprice, would come in and go out of season like lamb or
+asparagus; Major Moustache and Jawleyford would be as 'thick as thieves'
+one day, and at daggers drawn the next; Squire Squaretoes, of Squaretoes
+House, and he, were continually kissing or cutting; and even distance&mdash;nine
+miles of bad road, and, of course, heavy tolls&mdash;could not keep the peace
+between lawyer Seedywig and him. What between rows and reconciliations,
+Jawleyford was always at work.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+
+<h3>THE DINNER</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 244px;">
+<img src="images/image120.jpg" width="244" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Notwithstanding Jawleyford's recommendation to the contrary, Mr. Sponge
+made himself an uncommon swell. He put on a desperately stiff starcher,
+secured in front with a large gold fox-head pin with carbuncle eyes; a
+fine, fancy-fronted shirt, with a slight tendency to pink, adorned with
+mosaic-gold-tethered studs of sparkling diamonds (or French paste, as the
+case might be); a white waistcoat with fancy buttons; a blue coat with
+bright plain ones, and a velvet collar, black tights, with broad
+black-and-white Cranbourne-alley-looking stockings (socks rather), and
+patent leather pumps with gilt buckles&mdash;Sponge was proud of his leg. The
+young ladies, too, turned out rather smart; for Amelia, finding that Emily
+was going to put on her new yellow watered silk, instead of a dyed satin
+she had talked of, made Juliana produce her broad-laced blue satin dress
+out of the wardrobe in the green dressing-room, where it had been laid away
+in an old tablecloth; and bound her<a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a> dark hair with a green-beaded wreath,
+which Emily met by crowning herself with a chaplet of white roses.</p>
+
+<p>Thus attired, with smiles assumed at the door, the young ladies entered the
+drawing-room in the full fervour of sisterly animosity. They were very much
+alike in size, shape, and face. They were tallish and full-figured. Miss
+Jawleyford's features being rather more strongly marked, and her eyes a
+shade darker than her sister's; while there was a sort of subdued air about
+her&mdash;the result, perhaps, of enlarged intercourse with the world&mdash;or maybe
+of disappointments. Emily's eyes sparkled and glittered, without knowing
+perhaps why.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner was presently announced. It was of the imposing order that people
+give their friends on a first visit, as though their appetites were larger
+on that day than on any other. They dined off plate; the sideboards
+glittered with the Jawleyford arms on cups, tankards, and salvers;
+'Brecknel and Turner's' flamed and swealed in profusion on the table; while
+every now and then an expiring lamp on the sideboards or brackets
+proclaimed the unwonted splendour of the scene, and added a flavour to the
+repast not contemplated by the cook. The room, which was large and lofty,
+being but rarely used, had a cold, uncomfortable feel; and, if it hadn't
+been for the looks of the thing, Jawleyford would, perhaps, as soon that
+they had dined in the little breakfast parlour. Still there was everything
+very smart; Spigot in full fig, with a shirt frill nearly tickling his
+nose, an acre of white waistcoat, and glorious calves swelling within his
+gauze-silk stockings. The improvised footman went creaking about, as such
+gentlemen generally do.</p>
+
+<p>The style was perhaps better than the repast: still they had turtle-soup
+(Shell and Tortoise, to be sure, but still turtle-soup); while the wines
+were supplied by the well-known firm of 'Wintle &amp; Co.' Jawleyford sank
+where he got it, and pretended that it had been 'ages' in his cellar: 'he
+really had such a stock that he thought he should never get through it'&mdash;to
+wit, two dozen old port at 36<i>s.</i> a dozen, and one dozen at 48<i>s.</i>; two
+dozen pale sherry at 36<i>s.</i>, and one dozen brown ditto at 48<i>s.</i>; <a name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></a>three
+bottles of Bucellas, of the 'finest quality imported,' at 38<i>s.</i> a dozen;
+Lisbon 'rich and dry,' at 32<i>s.</i>; and some marvellous creaming champagne at
+48<i>s.</i>, in which they were indulging when he made the declaration: 'don't
+wait of me, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, holding up a long
+needle-case of a glass with the Jawleyford crests emblazoned about; 'don't
+wait of me, pray,' repeated he, as Spigot finished dribbling the froth into
+Sponge's glass; and Jawleyford, with a flourishing bow and waive of his
+empty needle-case, drank Mr. Sponge's very good health, adding, 'I'm
+<i>extremely</i> happy to see you at Jawleyford Court.'</p>
+
+<p>It was then Jawleyford's turn to have a little froth; and having sucked it
+up with the air of a man drinking nectar, he set down his glass with a
+shake of the head, saying:</p>
+
+<p>'There's no such wine as that to be got now-a-days.'</p>
+
+<p>'Capital wine!&mdash;Excellent!' exclaimed Sponge, who was a better judge of ale
+than of champagne. 'Pray, where might you get it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Impossible to say!&mdash;Impossible to say!' replied Jawleyford, throwing up
+his hands with a shake, and shrugging his shoulders. 'I have such a stock
+of wine as is really quite ridiculous.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Quite</i> ridiculous,' thought Spigot, who, by the aid of a false key, had
+been through the cellar.</p>
+
+<p>Except the 'Shell and Tortoise' and 'Wintle,' the estate supplied the
+repast. The carp was out of the home-pond; the tench, or whatever it was,
+was out of the mill-pond; the mutton was from the farm; the
+carrot-and-turnip-and-beet-bedaubed stewed beef was from ditto; while the
+garden supplied the vegetables that luxuriated in the massive silver
+side-dishes. Watson's gun furnished the old hare and partridges that opened
+the ball of the second course; and tarts, jellies, preserves, and custards
+made their usual appearances. Some first-growth Chateaux Margaux 'Wintle,'
+again at 66<i>s.</i>, in very richly cut decanters accompanied the old 36<i>s.</i>
+port; and apples, pears, nuts, figs, preserved fruits, occupied the
+splendid green-and-gold dessert set. Everything, of course, was handed
+about&mdash;an ingenious <a name="Page_123" id="Page_123"></a>way of tormenting a person that has 'dined.' The
+ladies sat long, Mrs. Jawleyford taking three glasses of port (when she
+could get it); and it was a quarter to eight when they rose from the table.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford then moved an adjournment to the fire; which Sponge gladly
+seconded, for he had never been warm since he came into the house, the heat
+from the fires seeming to go up the chimneys. Spigot set them a little
+round table, placing the port and claret upon it, and bringing them a plate
+of biscuits in lieu of the dessert. He then reduced the illumination on the
+table, and extinguished such of the lamps as had not gone out of
+themselves. Having cast an approving glance around, and seen that they had
+what he considered right, he left them to their own devices.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you drink port or claret, Mr. Sponge?' asked Jawleyford, preparing to
+push whichever he preferred over to him.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll take a little port, <i>first</i>, if you please,' replied our friend&mdash;as
+much as to say, 'I'll finish off with claret.'</p>
+
+<p>'You'll find that very good, I expect,' said Mr. Jawleyford, passing the
+bottle to him; 'it's '20 wine&mdash;very rare wine to get now&mdash;was a very rich
+fruity wine, and was a long time before it came into drinking. Connoisseurs
+would give any money for it.'</p>
+
+<p>'It has still a good deal of body,' observed Sponge, turning off a glass
+and smacking his lips, at the same time holding the glass up to the candle
+to see the oily mark it made on the side.</p>
+
+<p>'Good sound wine&mdash;good sound wine,' said Mr. Jawleyford. 'Have plenty
+lighter, if you like.' The light wine was made by watering the strong.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no, thank you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no, thank you. I like good
+strong military port.'</p>
+
+<p>'So do I,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'so do I; only unfortunately it doesn't
+like me&mdash;am obliged to drink claret. When I was in the Bumperkin yeomanry
+we drank nothing but port.' And then Jawleyford diverged into a long
+rambling dissertation on messes and cavalry tactics, which nearly sent Mr.
+Sponge asleep.</p><p><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Where did you say the hounds are to-morrow?' at length asked he, after Mr.
+Jawleyford had talked himself out.</p>
+
+<p>'To-morrow,' repeated Mr. Jawleyford, thoughtfully, 'to-morrow&mdash;they don't
+hunt to-morrow&mdash;not one of their days&mdash;next day. Scrambleford
+Green&mdash;Scrambleford Green&mdash;no, no, I'm wrong&mdash;Dundleton Tower&mdash;Dundleton
+Tower.'</p>
+
+<p>'How far is that from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, ten miles&mdash;say ten miles,' replied Mr. Jawleyford. It was sometimes
+ten, and sometimes fifteen, depending upon whether Mr. Jawleyford wanted
+the party to go or not. These elastic places, however, are common in all
+countries&mdash;to sight-seers as well as to hunters. 'Close by&mdash;close by,' one
+day. 'Oh! a lo-o-ng way from here,' another.</p>
+
+<p>It is difficult, for parties who have nothing in common, to drive a
+conversation, especially when each keeps jibbing to get upon a private
+subject of his own. Jawleyford was all for sounding Sponge as to where he
+came from, and the situation of his property; for as yet, it must be
+remembered, he knew nothing of our friend, save what he had gleaned at
+Laverick Wells, where certainly all parties concurred in placing him high
+on the list of 'desirables,' while Sponge wanted to talk about hunting, the
+meets of the hounds, and hear what sort of a man Lord Scamperdale was. So
+they kept playing at cross-purposes, without either getting much out of the
+other. Jawleyford's intimacy with Lord Scamperdale seemed to have
+diminished with propinquity, for he now no longer talked of
+him&mdash;'Scamperdale this, and Scamperdale that&mdash;Scamperdale, with whom he
+could do anything he liked'; but he called him 'My Lord Scamperdale,' and
+spoke of him in a reverent and becoming way. Distance often lends boldness
+to the tongue, as the poet Campbell says it:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6">Lends enchantment to the view,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And robes the mountain in its azure hue.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>There are few great men who haven't a dozen people, at least, who 'keep
+them right,' as they call it. To hear<a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a> some of the creatures talk, one
+would fancy a lord was a lunatic as a matter of course.</p>
+
+<p>Spigot at last put an end to their efforts by announcing that 'tea and
+coffee were ready!' just as Mr. Sponge buzzed his bottle of port. They then
+adjourned from the gloom of the large oak-wainscoted dining-room, to the
+effulgent radiance of the well-lit, highly gilt, drawing-room, where our
+fair friends had commenced talking Mr. Sponge over as soon as they retired
+from the dining-room.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE TEA</h3>
+
+
+<p>'And what do you think of <i>him</i>?' asked mamma.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I think he's very well,' replied Emily gaily.</p>
+
+<p>'I should say he was very <i>toor</i>-lerable,' drawled Miss Jawleyford, who
+reckoned herself rather a judge, and indeed had had some experience of
+gentlemen.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Tolerable</i>, my dear!' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford, 'I should say he's very
+well&mdash;rather <i>distingu&eacute;</i>, indeed.'</p>
+
+<p>'I shouldn't say <i>that</i>,' replied Miss Jawleyford; 'his height and figure
+are certainly in his favour, but he isn't quite my idea of a gentleman. He
+is evidently on good terms with himself; but I should say, if it wasn't for
+his forwardness, he'd be awkward and uneasy.'</p>
+
+<p>'He's a fox-hunter, you know,' observed Emily.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I don't know that that should make him different to other
+people,' rejoined her sister. 'Captain Curzon, and Mr. Lancaster, and Mr.
+Preston, were all fox-hunters; but they didn't stare, and blurt, and kick
+their legs about, as this man does.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you are so fastidious!' rejoined her mamma; 'you must take men as you
+find them.'</p>
+
+<p>'I wonder where he lives?' observed Emily, who was quite ready to take our
+friend as he was.</p>
+
+<p>'I wonder where he <i>does</i> live?' chimed in Mrs. Jawleyford, for the
+suddenness of the descent had given them no time for inquiry. <a name="Page_126" id="Page_126"></a>'Somebody
+said Manchester,' observed Miss Jawleyford drily.</p>
+
+<p>'So much the better,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, 'for then he is sure to
+have plenty of money.'</p>
+
+<p>'Law, ma! but you don't s'pose pa would ever allow such a thing,' retorted
+Miss, recollecting her papa's frequent exhortations to them to look high.</p>
+
+<p>'If he's a landowner,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford 'we'll soon find him out in
+<i>Burke</i>. Emily, my dear,' added she, 'just go into your pa's room, and
+bring me the <i>Commoners</i>&mdash;you'll find it on the large table between the
+<i>Peerage</i> and the <i>Wellington Despatches</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>Emily tripped away to do as she was bid. The fair messenger presently
+returned, bearing both volumes, richly bound and lettered, with the
+Jawleyford crests studded down the backs, and an immense coat of arms on
+the side.</p>
+
+<p>A careful search among the S's produced nothing in the shape of Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Not likely, I should think,' observed Miss Jawleyford, with a toss of her
+head, as her mamma announced the fact.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, seeing that only one of the
+girls could have him, and that one was quite ready; 'never mind, I dare say
+I shall be able to find out something from himself,' and so they dropped
+the subject.</p>
+
+<p>In due time in swaggered our hero, himself, kicking his legs about as men
+in tights or tops generally do.</p>
+
+<p>'May I give you tea or coffee?' asked Emily, in the sweetest tone possible,
+as she raised her finely turned gloveless arm towards where the glittering
+appendages stood on the large silver tray.</p>
+
+<p>'Neither, thank you,' said Sponge, throwing himself into an easy-chair
+beside Mrs. Jawleyford. He then crossed his legs, and cocking up a toe for
+admiration, began to yawn.</p>
+
+<p>'You feel tired after your journey?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I'm not,' said Sponge, yawning again&mdash;a good yawn this time.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Jawleyford looked significantly at her sister&mdash;a long pause ensued.
+<a name="Page_127" id="Page_127"></a>'I knew a family of your name,' at length observed Mrs. Jawleyford, in the
+simple sort of way women begin pumping men. 'I knew a family of your name,'
+repeated she, seeing Sponge was half asleep&mdash;'the Sponges of Toadey Hall.
+Pray are they any relation of yours?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;ah&mdash;yes,' blurted Sponge: 'I suppose they are. The fact
+is&mdash;the&mdash;haw&mdash;Sponges&mdash;haw&mdash;are a rather large family&mdash;haw. Meet them
+almost everywhere.'</p>
+
+<p>'You don't live in the same county, perhaps?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'No, we don't,' replied he, with a yawn.</p>
+
+<p>'Is yours a good hunting country?' asked Jawleyford, thinking to sound him
+in another way.</p>
+
+<p>'No; a devilish bad 'un,' replied Sponge, adding with a grunt, 'or I
+wouldn't be here.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who hunts it?' asked Mr. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, as to that&mdash;haw,'&mdash;replied Sponge, stretching out his arms and legs
+to their fullest extent, and yawning most vigorously&mdash;'why, as to that, I
+can hardly say which you would call my country, for I have to do with so
+many; but I should say, of all the countries I am&mdash;haw&mdash;connected
+with&mdash;haw&mdash;Tom Scratch's is the worst.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jawleyford looked at Mrs. Jawleyford as a counsel who thinks he has
+made a grand hit looks at a jury before he sits down, and said no more.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jawleyford looked as innocent as most jurymen do after one of these
+forensic exploits.&mdash;Mr. Sponge beginning his nasal recreations, Mrs.
+Jawleyford motioned the ladies off to bed&mdash;Mr. Sponge and his host
+presently followed.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE EVENING'S REFLECTIONS</h3>
+
+
+<p>'Well, I think he'll do,' said our friend to himself, as having reached his
+bedroom, in accordance with modern fashion, he applied a cedar match to the
+now somewhat better burnt-up fire, for the purpose of lighting a cigar&mdash;a
+cigar! in the state-bedroom of<a name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></a> Jawleyford Court. Having divested himself
+of his smart blue coat and white waistcoat, and arrayed himself in a grey
+dressing-gown, he adjusted the loose cushions of a recumbent chair, and
+soused himself into its luxurious depths for a 'think over.'</p>
+
+<p>'He has money,' mused Sponge, between the copious whiffs of the cigar,
+'splendid style he lives in, to be sure' (puff), continued he, after
+another long draw, as he adjusted the ash at the end of the cigar. 'Two men
+in livery' (puff), 'one out, can't be done for nothing' (puff). 'What a
+profusion of plate, too!' (whiff)&mdash;'declare I never' (puff) 'saw such'
+(whiff, puff) 'magnificence in the whole course of my' (whiff, puff)
+'life.'</p>
+
+<p>The cigar being then well under way, he sucked and puffed and whiffed in an
+apparently vacant stupor, his legs crossed, and his eyes fixed on a
+projecting coal between the lower bars, as if intent on watching the
+alternations of flame and gas; though in reality he was running all the
+circumstances through his mind, comparing them with his past experience,
+and speculating on the probable result of the present adventure.</p>
+
+<p>He had seen a good deal of service in the matrimonial wars, and was
+entitled to as many bars as the most distinguished peninsular veteran. No
+woman with money, or the reputation of it, ever wanted an offer while he
+was in the way, for he would accommodate her at the second or third
+interview: and always pressed for an immediate fulfilment, lest the 'cursed
+lawyers' should interfere and interrupt their felicity. Somehow or other,
+the 'cursed lawyers' always had interfered; and as sure as they walked in,
+Mr. Sponge walked out. He couldn't bear the idea of their coarse,
+inquisitive inquiries. He was too much of a gentleman!</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Love, light as air, at sight of human ties<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spreads his light wings and in a moment flies.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>So Mr. Sponge fled, consoling himself with the reflection that there was no
+harm done, and hoping for 'better luck next time.'</p>
+
+<p>He roved from flower to flower like a butterfly, touching here, alighting
+there, but always passing away <a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a>with apparent indifference. He knew if he
+couldn't square matters at short notice, he would have no better chance
+with an extension of time; so, if he saw things taking the direction of
+inquiry he would just laugh the offer off, pretend he was only feeling his
+way&mdash;saw he was not acceptable&mdash;sorry for it&mdash;and away he would go to
+somebody else. He looked upon a woman much in the light of a horse; if she
+didn't suit one man, she would another, and there was no harm in trying. So
+he puffed and smoked, and smoked and puffed&mdash;gliding gradually into wealth
+and prosperity.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 228px;">
+<img src="images/image129.jpg" width="228" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE AS HE APPEARED IN THE BEST BEDROOM" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE AS HE APPEARED IN THE BEST BEDROOM</span>
+</div><p><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a></p>
+
+<p>A second cigar assisted his comprehension considerably&mdash;just as a second
+bottle of wine not only helps men through their difficulties, but shows
+them the way to unbounded wealth. Many of the bright railway schemes of
+former days, we make no doubt, were concocted under the inspiring influence
+of the bottle. Sponge now saw everything as he wished. All the errors of
+his former days were apparent to him. He saw how indiscreet it was
+confiding in Miss Trickery's cousin, the major; why the rich widow at
+Chesterfield had <i>chass&eacute;ed</i> him; and how he was done out of the beautiful
+Miss Rainbow, with her beautiful estate, with its lake, its heronry, and
+its perpetual advowson. Other mishaps he also considered.</p>
+
+<p>Having disposed of the past, he then turned his attention to the future.
+Here were two beautiful girls apparently full of money, between whom there
+wasn't the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice. Most exemplary parents, too,
+who didn't seem to care a farthing about money.</p>
+
+<p>He then began speculating on what the girls would have. 'Great house&mdash;great
+establishment&mdash;great estate, doubtless. Why, confound it,' continued he,
+casting his heavy eye lazily around, 'here's a room as big as a field in a
+cramped country! Can't have less than fifty thousand a-piece, I should say,
+at the least. Jawleyford, to be sure, is young,' thought he; 'may live a
+long time' (puff). 'If Mrs. J. were to die (Curse&mdash;the cigar's burnt my
+lips'), added he, throwing the remnant into the fire, and rolling out of
+the chair to prepare for turning into bed.</p>
+
+<p>If any one had told Sponge that there was a rich papa and mamma on the
+look-out merely for amiable young men to bestow their fair daughters upon,
+he would have laughed them to scorn, and said, 'Why, you fool, they are
+only laughing at you'; or 'Don't you see they are playing you off against
+somebody else?' But our hero, like other men, was blind where he himself
+was concerned, and concluded that he was the exception to the general rule.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Jawleyford had their consultation too.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Mr. Jawleyford, seating himself on the <a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a>high wire fender
+immediately below a marble bust of himself on the mantelpiece; 'I think
+he'll do.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who never saw any difficulty in
+the way of a match; 'I should say he is a very nice young man,' continued
+she.</p>
+
+<p>'Rather brusque in his manner, perhaps,' observed Jawleyford, who was quite
+the 'lady' himself. 'I wonder what he was?' added he, fingering away at his
+whiskers.</p>
+
+<p>'He's rich, I've no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'What makes you think so?' asked her loving spouse.</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford; 'somehow I feel certain he is&mdash;but
+I can't tell why&mdash;all fox-hunters are.'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know that,' replied Jawleyford, who knew some very poor ones. 'I
+should like to know what he has,' continued Jawleyford musingly, looking up
+at the deeply corniced ceiling as if he were calculating the chances among
+the filagree ornaments of the centre.</p>
+
+<p>'A hundred thousand, perhaps,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, who only knew two
+sums&mdash;fifty and a hundred thousand.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a vast of money,' replied Jawleyford, with a slight shake of the
+head.</p>
+
+<p>'Fifty at least, then,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, coming down half-way at
+once.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, if he has that, he'll do,' rejoined Jawleyford, who also had come
+down considerably in his expectations since the vision of his railway days,
+at whose bright light he had burnt his fingers.</p>
+
+<p>'He was said to have an immense fortune&mdash;I forget how much&mdash;at Laverick
+Wells,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, we'll see,' said Jawleyford, adding, 'I suppose either of the girls
+will be glad enough to take him?'</p>
+
+<p>'Trust them for that,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, with a knowing smile and
+nod of the head: 'trust them for that,' repeated she. 'Though Amelia does
+turn up her nose and pretend to be fine, rely upon it she only wants to be
+sure that he's worth having.'</p>
+
+<p>'Emily seems ready enough, at all events,' observed Jawleyford.</p><p><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a></p>
+
+<p>'She'll never get the chance,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford. 'Amelia is a very
+prudent girl, and won't commit herself, but she knows how to manage the
+men.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then,' said Jawleyford, with a hearty yawn, 'I suppose we may as
+well go to bed.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, he took his candle and retired.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE WET DAY</h3>
+
+
+<p>When the dirty slip-shod housemaid came in the morning with her
+blacksmith's-looking tool-box to light Mr. Sponge's fire, a riotous
+winter's day was in the full swing of its gloomy, deluging power. The wind
+howled, and roared, and whistled, and shrieked, playing a sort of &aelig;olian
+harp amongst the towers, pinnacles, and irregular castleisations of the
+house; while the old casements rattled and shook, as though some one were
+trying to knock them in.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang the day!' muttered Sponge from beneath the bedclothes. 'What the
+deuce is a man to do with himself on such a day as this, in the country?'
+thinking how much better he would be flattening his nose against the
+coffee-room window of the Bantam, or strolling through the horse-dealers'
+stables in Piccadilly or Oxford Street.</p>
+
+<p>Presently the over-night chair before the fire, with the picture of
+Jawleyford in the Bumperkin yeomanry, as seen through the parted curtains
+of the spacious bed, recalled his over-night speculations, and he began to
+think that perhaps he was just as well where he was. He then 'backed' his
+ideas to where he had left off, and again began speculating on the chances
+of his position. 'Deuced fine girls,' said he, 'both of 'em: wonder what
+he'll give 'em down?'&mdash;recurring to his over-night speculations, and
+hitting upon the point at which he had burnt his lips with the end of the
+cigar&mdash;namely, Jawleyford's youth, and the possibility of his marrying
+again if Mrs. Jawleyford were to die. 'It <a name="Page_133" id="Page_133"></a>won't do to raise up
+difficulties for one's self, however,' mused he; so, kicking off the
+bedclothes, he raised himself instead, and making for a window, began to
+gaze upon his expectant territory.</p>
+
+<p>It was a terrible day; the ragged, spongy clouds drifted heavily along, and
+the lowering gloom was only enlivened by the occasional driving rush of the
+tempest. Earth and sky were pretty much the same grey, damp, disagreeable
+hue.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Sponge to himself, having gazed sufficiently on the uninviting
+landscape, 'it's just as well it's not a hunting day&mdash;should have got
+terribly soused. Must get through the time as well as I can&mdash;girls to talk
+to&mdash;house to see. Hope I've brought my <i>Mogg</i>,' added he, turning to his
+portmanteau, and diving for his <i>Ten Thousand Cab Fares</i>. Having found the
+invaluable volume, his almost constant study, he then proceeded to array
+himself in what he considered the most captivating apparel; a new
+wide-sleeved dock-tail coatee, with outside pockets placed very low,
+faultless drab trousers, a buff waistcoat, with a cream-coloured once-round
+silk tie, secured by red cornelian cross-bars set in gold, for a pin. Thus
+attired, with <i>Mogg</i> in his pocket, he swaggered down to the
+breakfast-room, which he hit off by means of listening at the doors till he
+heard the sound of voices within.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies were all smiles and smirks, and there
+were no symptoms of Miss Jawleyford's <i>hauteur</i> perceptible. They all came
+forward and shook hands with our friend most cordially. Mr. Jawleyford,
+too, was all flourish and compliment; now tilting at the weather, now
+congratulating himself upon having secured Mr. Sponge's society in the
+house.</p>
+
+<p>That leisurely meal of protracted ease, a country-house breakfast, being at
+length accomplished, and the ladies having taken their departure, Mr.
+Jawleyford looked out on the terrace, upon which the angry rain was beating
+the standing water into bubbles, and observing that there was no chance of
+getting out, asked Mr. Sponge if he could amuse himself in the house.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes,' replied he, 'got a book in my pocket.'</p><p><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I suppose&mdash;the <i>New Monthly</i>, perhaps?' observed Mr. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Dizzey's <i>Life of Bentinck</i>, then, I dare say,' suggested Jawleyford;
+adding, 'I'm reading it myself.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, nor that either,' replied Sponge, with a knowing look; 'a much more
+useful work, I assure you,' added he, pulling the little purple-backed
+volume out of his pocket, and reading the gilt letters on the back:
+'<i>Mogg's Ten Thousand Cab Fares</i>. Price one shilling!'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, 'well, I should never have guessed
+that.'</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say not,' replied Sponge, 'I dare say not, it's a book I never
+travel without. It's invaluable in town, and you may study it to great
+advantage in the country. With <i>Mogg</i> in my hand, I can almost fancy myself
+in both places at once. Omnibus guide,' added he, turning over the leaves,
+and reading, 'Acton five, from the end of Oxford Street and the Edger
+Road&mdash;see Ealing; Edmonton seven, from Shoreditch Church&mdash;"Green Man and
+Still" Oxford Street&mdash;Shepherd's Bush and Starch Green, Bank, and
+Whitechapel&mdash;Tooting&mdash;Totteridge&mdash;Wandsworth; in short, every place near
+town. Then the cab fares are truly invaluable; you have ten thousand of
+them here,' said he, tapping the book, 'and you may calculate as many more
+for yourself as ever you like. Nothing to do but sit in an arm-chair on a
+wet day like this, and say, If from the Mile End turnpike to the "Castle"
+on the Kingsland Road is so much, how much should it be to the "Yorkshire
+Stingo," or Pine-Apple-Place, Maida Vale? And you measure by other fares
+till you get as near the place you want as you can, if it isn't set down in
+black and white to your hand in the book.'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' said Jawleyford, 'just so. It must be a very useful work indeed,
+very useful work. I'll get one&mdash;I'll get one. How much did you say it
+was&mdash;a guinea? a guinea?'</p>
+
+<p>'A shilling,' replied Sponge, adding, 'you may have mine for a guinea if
+you like.'</p>
+
+<p>'By Jove, what a day it is!' observed Jawleyford, <a name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></a>turning the
+conversation, as the wind dashed the hard sleet against the window like a
+shower of pebbles. 'Lucky to have a good house over one's head, such
+weather; and, by the way, that reminds me, I'll show you my new gallery and
+collection of curiosities&mdash;pictures, busts, marbles, antiques, and so on;
+there'll be fires on, and we shall be just as well there as here.' So
+saying, Jawleyford led the way through a dark, intricate, shabby passage,
+to where a much gilded white door, with a handsome crimson curtain over it
+announced the entrance to something better. 'Now,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+bowing as he threw open the door, and motioned, or rather flourished, his
+guest to enter&mdash;'now,' said he, 'you shall see what you shall see.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge entered accordingly, and found himself at the end of a gallery
+fifty feet by twenty, and fourteen high, lighted by skylights and small
+windows round the top. There were fires in handsome Caen-stone
+chimney-pieced fireplaces on either side, a large timepiece and an organ at
+the far end, and sundry white basins scattered about, catching the drops
+from the skylights.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang the rain!' exclaimed Jawleyford, as he saw it trickling over a river
+scene of Van Goyen's (gentlemen in a yacht, and figures in boats), and
+drip, drip, dripping on to the head of an infant Bacchus below.</p>
+
+<p>'He wants an umbrella, that young gentleman,' observed Sponge, as
+Jawleyford proceeded to dry him with his handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>'Fine thing,' observed Jawleyford, starting off to a side, and pointing to
+it; 'fine thing&mdash;Italian marble&mdash;by Fr&egrave;re&mdash;cost a vast of money&mdash;was
+offered three hundred for it. Are you a judge of these things?' asked
+Jawleyford; 'are you a judge of these things?'</p>
+
+<p>'A little,' replied Sponge, 'a little'; thinking he might as well see what
+his intended father-in-law's personal property was like.</p>
+
+<p>'There's a beautiful thing!' observed Jawleyford, pointing to another
+group. 'I picked that up for a mere nothing&mdash;twenty guineas&mdash;worth two
+hundred at least. Lipsalve, the great picture-dealer in Gammon Passage,
+offered me Murillo's "Adoration of the Virgin <a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a>and Shepherds," for which he
+showed me a receipt for a hundred and eighty-five, for it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Sponge, 'what is it?'</p>
+
+<p>'It's a Bacchanal group, after Poussin, sculptured by Marin. I bought it at
+Lord Breakdown's sale; it happened to be a wet day&mdash;much such a day as
+this&mdash;and things went for nothing. This you'll know, I presume?' observed
+Jawleyford, laying his hand on a life-size bust of Diana, in Italian
+marble.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford; 'I thought everybody had known this: this is my
+celebrated "Diana," by Noindon&mdash;one of the finest things in the world.
+Louis Philippe sent an agent over to this country expressly to buy it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why didn't you sell it him?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Didn't want the money,' replied Jawleyford, 'didn't want the money. In
+addition to which, though a king, he was a bit of a screw, and we couldn't
+agree upon terms. This,' observed Jawleyford, 'is a vase of the Cinque
+Cento period&mdash;a very fine thing; and this,' laying his hand on the crown of
+a much frizzed, barber's-window-looking bust, 'of course you know?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' repeated Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Look again, my dear fellow; you <i>must</i> know it,' observed Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'I suppose it's meant for you,' at last replied Sponge, seeing his host's
+anxiety.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Meant!</i> my dear fellow; why, don't you think it like?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, there's a resemblance, certainly,' said Sponge, 'now that one knows.
+But I shouldn't have guessed it was you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in a tone of mortification,
+'Do you <i>really</i> mean to say you don't think it like?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, yes, it's like,' replied Sponge, seeing which way his host wanted it;
+'it's like, certainly; the want of expression in the eye makes such a
+difference between a bust and a picture.'</p><p><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a></p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Jawleyford, comforted&mdash;'true,' repeated he, looking
+affectionately at it; 'I should say it was very like&mdash;like as anything can
+be. You are rather too much above it there, you see; sit down here,'
+continued he, leading Sponge to an ottoman surrounding a huge model of the
+column in the Place Vend&ocirc;me, that stood in the middle of the room&mdash;'sit
+down here now, and look, and say if you don't think it like?'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 299px;">
+<img src="images/image137.jpg" width="299" height="301" alt="&#39;THIS, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW?&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#39;THIS, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW?&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Oh, <i>very</i> like,' replied Sponge, as soon as he had seated himself. 'I see
+it now, directly; the mouth is yours to a T.'</p>
+
+<p>'And the chin. It's my chin, isn't it?' asked Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes; and the nose, and the forehead, and the whiskers, and the hair, and
+the shape of the head, and everything. Oh! I see it now as plain as a
+pikestaff,' observed Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I thought you would,' rejoined Jawleyford comforted&mdash;'I thought you would;
+it's generally considered an excellent likeness&mdash;so it should, indeed, for
+it cost a vast of money&mdash;fifty guineas! to say nothing of the lotus-leafed
+pedestal it's on. That's another of me,' continued Jawleyford, pointing to
+a bust above the fireplace, on the opposite side of the gallery; 'done some
+years since&mdash;ten or twelve, at least&mdash;not so like as this, but still like.
+That portrait up there, just above the "Finding of Moses," by Poussin,'
+pointing to a portrait of himself attitudinizing, with his hand on his hip,
+and frock-coat well thrown back, so as to show his figure and the silk
+lining to advantage, 'was done the other day, by a very rising young
+artist; though he has hardly done me justice, perhaps&mdash;particularly in the
+nose, which he's made far too thick and heavy; and the right hand, if
+anything, is rather clumsy; otherwise the colouring is good, and there is a
+considerable deal of taste in the arrangement of the background, and so
+on.'</p>
+
+<p>'What book is it you are pointing to?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'It's not a book,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'it's a plan&mdash;a plan of this
+gallery, in fact. I am supposed to be giving the final order for the
+erection of the very edifice we are now in.'</p>
+
+<p>'And a very handsome building it is,' observed Sponge, thinking he would
+make it a shooting-gallery when he got it.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, it's a handsome thing in its way,' assented Jawleyford; 'better if it
+had been water-tight, perhaps,' added he, as a big drop splashed upon the
+crown of his head.</p>
+
+<p>'The contents must be very valuable,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Very valuable,' replied Jawleyford. 'There's a thing I gave two hundred
+and fifty guineas for&mdash;that vase. It's of Parian marble, of the Cinque
+Cento period, beautifully sculptured in a dance of Bacchanals, arabesques,
+and chimera figures; it was considered cheap. Those fine monkeys in Dresden
+china, playing on musical instruments, were forty; those bronzes of
+scaramouches on ormolu plinths were seventy; that ormolu clock, of the
+style of Louis Quinze, by Le Roy, was eighty; those S&egrave;vres vases were a
+hundred&mdash;mounted, <a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a>you see, in ormolu, with lily candelabra for ten lights.
+The handles,' continued he, drawing Sponge's attention to them, 'are very
+handsome&mdash;composed of satyrs holding festoons of grapes and flowers, which
+surround the neck of the vase; on the sides are pastoral subjects, painted
+in the highest style&mdash;nothing can be more beautiful or more chaste.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing,' assented Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The pictures I should think are most valuable,' observed Jawleyford. 'My
+friend Lord Sparklebury said to me the last time he was here&mdash;he's now in
+Italy, increasing his collection&mdash;"Jawleyford, old boy," said he, for we
+are very intimate&mdash;just like brothers, in fact; "Jawleyford, old boy, I
+wonder whether your collection or mine would fetch most money, if they were
+Christie-&amp;-Manson'd." "Oh, your lordship," said I, "your Guidos, and
+Ostades, and Poussins, and Velasquez, are not to be surpassed." "True,"
+replied his lordship, "they are fine&mdash;very fine; but you have the Murillos.
+I'd like to give you a good round sum," added he, "to pick out half-a-dozen
+pictures out of your gallery." Do you understand pictures?' continued
+Jawleyford, turning short on his friend Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'A little,' replied Sponge, in a tone that might mean either yes or no&mdash;a
+great deal or nothing at all.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford then took him and worked him through his collection&mdash;talked of
+light and shade, and tone, and depth of colouring, tints, and pencillings;
+and put Sponge here and there and everywhere to catch the light (or rain,
+as the case might be); made him convert his hand into an opera-glass, and
+occasionally put his head between his legs to get an upside-down view&mdash;a
+feat that Sponge's equestrian experience made him pretty well up to. So
+they looked, and admired, and criticized, till Spigot's all-important
+figure came looming up the gallery and announced that luncheon was ready.</p>
+
+<p>'Bless me!' exclaimed Jawleyford, pulling a most diminutive Geneva watch,
+hung with pencils, pistol-keys, and other curiosities, out of his pocket;
+'Bless me, who'd have thought it? One o'clock, I declare! Well, if this
+doesn't prove the value of a gallery on a wet day.<a name="Page_140" id="Page_140"></a> I don't know what does.
+However,' said he, 'we must tear ourselves away for the present, and go and
+see what the ladies are about.'</p>
+
+<p>If ever a man may be excused for indulging in luncheon, it certainly is on
+a pouring wet day (when he eats for occupation), or when he is making love;
+both which excuses Mr. Sponge had to offer, so he just sat down and ate as
+heartily as the best of the party, not excepting his host himself, who was
+an excellent hand at luncheon.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford tried to get him back to the gallery after luncheon, but a look
+from his wife intimated that Sponge was wanted elsewhere, so he quietly saw
+him carried off to the music-room; and presently the notes of the 'grand
+piano,' and full clear voices of his daughters, echoing along the passage,
+intimated that they were trying what effect music would have upon him.</p>
+
+<p>When Mrs. Jawleyford looked in about an hour after, she found Mr. Sponge
+sitting over the fire with his <i>Mogg</i> in his hand, and the young ladies
+with their laps full of company-work, keeping up a sort of crossfire of
+conversation in the shape of question and answer. Mrs. Jawleyford's company
+making matters worse, they soon became tediously agreeable.</p>
+
+<p>In course of time, Jawleyford entered the room, with:</p>
+
+<p>'My dear Mr. Sponge, your groom has come up to know about your horse
+to-morrow. I told him it was utterly impossible to think of hunting, but he
+says he must have his orders from you. I should say,' added Jawleyford, 'it
+is <i>quite</i> out of the question&mdash;madness to think of it; much better in the
+house, such weather.'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know that,' replied Sponge, 'the rain's come down, and though the
+country will ride heavy, I don't see why we shouldn't have sport after it.'</p>
+
+<p>'But the glass is falling, and the wind's gone round the wrong way; the
+moon changed this morning&mdash;everything, in short, indicates continued wet,'
+replied Jawleyford. 'The rivers are all swollen, and the low grounds under
+water; besides, my dear fellow, consider the distance&mdash;consider the
+distance; sixteen miles, if it's a yard.'</p><p><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a></p>
+
+<p>'What, Dundleton Tower!' exclaimed Sponge, recollecting that Jawleyford had
+said it was only ten the night before.</p>
+
+<p>'Sixteen miles, and bad road,' replied Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce it is!' muttered Sponge; adding, 'Well, I'll go and see my
+groom, at all events.' So saying, he rang the bell as if the house was his
+own, and desired Spigot to show him the way to his servant.</p>
+
+<p>Leather, of course, was in the servants' hall, refreshing himself with cold
+meat and ale, after his ride up from Lucksford.</p>
+
+<p>Finding that he had ridden the hack up, he desired Leather to leave him
+there. 'Tell the groom I <i>must</i> have him put up,' said Sponge; 'and you
+ride the chestnut on in the morning. How far is it to Dundleton Tower?'
+asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Twelve or thirteen miles, they say, from here,' replied Leather; 'nine or
+ten from Lucksford.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that'll do,' said Sponge; 'you tell the groom here to have the hack
+saddled for me at nine o'clock, and you ride Multum in Parvo quietly on,
+either to the meet or till I overtake you.'</p>
+
+<p>'But how am I to get back to Lucksford?' asked Leather, cocking up a foot
+to show how thinly he was shod.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, just as you can,' replied Sponge; 'get the groom here to set you down
+with his master's hacks. I dare say they haven't been out to-day, and it'll
+do them good.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, Mr. Sponge left his valuable servant to do the best he could for
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>Having returned to the music-room, with the aid of an old county map Mr.
+Sponge proceeded to trace his way to Dundleton Tower; aided, or rather
+retarded, by Mr. Jawleyford, who kept pointing out all sorts of
+difficulties, till, if Mr. Sponge had followed his advice, he would have
+made eighteen or twenty miles of the distance. Sponge, however, being used
+to scramble about strange countries, saw the place was to be accomplished
+in ten or eleven. Jawleyford was sure he would lose himself, and Sponge was
+equally confident that he wouldn't.</p>
+
+<p>At length the glad sound of the gong put an end to all further argument;
+and the inmates of Jawleyford Court <a name="Page_142" id="Page_142"></a>retired, candle in hand, to their
+respective apartments, to adorn for a repetition of the yesterday's spread,
+with the addition of the Rev. Mr. Hobanob's company, to say grace, and
+praise the 'Wintle.'</p>
+
+<p>An appetiteless dinner was succeeded by tea and music, as before.</p>
+
+<p>The three elegant French clocks in the drawing-room being at variance, one
+being three-quarters of an hour before the slowest, and twenty minutes
+before the next, Mr. Hobanob (much to the horror of Jawleyford) having
+nearly fallen asleep with his S&egrave;vres coffee-cup in his hand, at last drew
+up his great silver watch by its jack-chain, and finding it was a quarter
+past ten, prepared to decamp&mdash;taking as affectionate a leave of the ladies
+as if he had been going to China. He was followed by Mr. Jawleyford, to see
+him pocket his pumps, and also by Mr. Sponge, to see what sort of a night
+it was.</p>
+
+<p>The sky was clear, stars sparkled in the firmament, and a young crescent
+moon shone with silvery brightness o'er the scene.</p>
+
+<p>'That'll do,' said Sponge, as he eyed it; 'no haze there. Come,' added he
+to his papa-in-law, as Hobanob's steps died out on the terrace, 'you'd
+better go to-morrow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Can't,' replied Jawleyford; 'go next day, perhaps&mdash;Scrambleford
+Green&mdash;better place&mdash;much. You may lock up,' said he, turning to Spigot,
+who, with both footmen, was in attendance to see Mr. Hobanob off; 'you may
+lock up, and tell the cook to have breakfast ready at nine precisely.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, never mind about breakfast for me,' interposed Sponge, 'I'll have some
+tea or coffee and chops, or boiled ham and eggs, or whatever's going, in my
+bedroom,' said he; 'so never mind altering your hour for me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, but my dear fellow, we'll all breakfast together' (Jawleyford had no
+notion of standing two breakfasts), 'we'll all breakfast together,' said
+he; 'no trouble, I assure you&mdash;rather the contrary. Say half-past
+eight&mdash;half-past eight. Spigot! to a minute, mind.'</p>
+
+<p>And Sponge, seeing there was no help for it, bid the ladies good night, and
+tumbled off to bed with little expectation of punctuality.</p><p><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 264px;">
+<img src="images/image143.jpg" width="264" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE&#39;S RAPID BREAKFAST" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE&#39;S RAPID BREAKFAST</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XX" id="CHAPTER_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE F.H.H.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Nor was Sponge wrong in his conjecture, for it was a quarter to nine ere
+Spigot appeared with the massive silver urn, followed by the train-band
+bold, bearing the heavy implements of breakfast. Then, though the young
+ladies were punctual, smiling, and affable as usual, Mrs. Jawleyford was
+absent, and she had the keys; so it was nearly nine before Mr. Sponge got
+his fork into his first mutton chop. Jawleyford was not <a name="Page_144" id="Page_144"></a>exactly pleased;
+he thought it didn't look well for a young man to prefer hunting to the
+society of his lovely and accomplished daughters. Hunting was all very well
+occasionally, but it did not do to make a business of it. This, however, he
+kept to himself.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll have a fine day, my dear Mr. Sponge,' said he, extending a hand, as
+he found our friend brown-booted and red-coated, working away at the
+breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes,' said Sponge, munching away for hard life. In less than ten minutes,
+he managed to get as much down as, with the aid of a knotch of bread that
+he pocketed, he thought would last him through the day; and, with a hasty
+adieu, he hurried off to find the stables, to get his hack. The piebald was
+saddled, bridled, and turned round in the stall; for all servants that are
+worth anything like to further hunting operations. With the aid of the
+groom's instructions, who accompanied him out of the courtyard, Sponge was
+enabled to set off at a hard canter, cheered by the groom's observation,
+that 'he thought he would be there in time.' On, on he went; now
+speculating on a turn; now pulling a scratch map he had made on a bit of
+paper out of his waistcoat-pocket; now inquiring the name of any place he
+saw of any person he met. So he proceeded for five or six miles without
+much difficulty; the road, though not all turnpike, being mainly over good
+sound township ones. It was at the village of Swineley, with its
+chubby-towered church and miserable hut-like cottages, that his troubles
+were to begin. He had two sharp turns to make&mdash;to ride through a
+straw-yard, and leap over a broken-down wall at the corner of a cottage&mdash;to
+get into Swaithing Green Lane, and so cut off an angle of two miles. The
+road then became a bridle one, and was, like all bridle ones, very plain to
+those who know them, and very puzzling to those who don't. It was evidently
+a little-frequented road; and what with looking out for footmarks (now
+nearly obliterated by the recent rains) and speculating on what queer
+corners of the fields the gates would be in, Mr. Sponge found it necessary
+to reduce his pace to a very moderate trot. Still he had made good way; and
+supposing they gave a quarter-of-an-hour's <a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a>law, and he had not been
+deceived as to distance, he thought he should get to the meet about the
+time. His horse, too, would be there, and perhaps Lord Scamperdale might
+give a little extra law on that account. He then began speculating on what
+sort of a man his lordship was, and the probable nature of his reception.
+He began to wish that Jawleyford had accompanied him, to introduce him. Not
+that Sponge was shy, but still he thought that Jawleyford's presence would
+do him good.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Scamperdale's hunt was not the most polished in the world. The hounds
+and the horses were a good deal better bred than the men. Of course his
+lordship gave the <i>tone</i> to the whole; and being a coarse, broad,
+barge-built sort of man, he had his clothes to correspond, and looked like
+a drayman in scarlet. He wore a great round flat-brimmed hat, which being
+adopted by the hunt generally, procured it the name of the 'F.H.H.,' or
+'Flat Hat Hunt.' Our readers, we dare say, have noticed it figuring away,
+in the list of hounds during the winter, along with the 'H.H.s,' 'V.W.H.s,'
+and other initialized packs. His lordship's clothes were of the large,
+roomy, baggy, abundant order, with great pockets, great buttons, and lots
+of strings flying out. Instead of tops, he sported leather leggings, which
+at a distance gave him the appearance of riding with his trousers up to his
+knees. These the hunt too adopted; and his 'particular,' Jack (Jack
+Spraggon), the man whom he mounted, and who was made much in his own mould,
+sported, like his patron, a pair of great broad-rimmed, tortoise-shell
+spectacles of considerable power. Jack was always at his lordship's elbow;
+and it was 'Jack' this, 'Jack' that, 'Jack' something, all day long. But we
+must return to Mr. Sponge, whom we left working his way through the
+intricate fields. At last he got through them, and into Red Pool Common,
+which, by leaving the windmill to the right, he cleared pretty cleverly,
+and entered upon a district still wilder and drearier than any he had
+traversed. Peewits screamed and hovered over land that seemed to grow
+little but rushes and water-grasses, with occasional heather. The <a name="Page_146" id="Page_146"></a>ground
+poached and splashed as he went; worst of all, time was nearly up.</p>
+
+<p>In vain Sponge strained his eyes in search of Dundleton Tower. In vain he
+fancied every high, sky-line-breaking place in the distance was the
+much-wished-for spot. Dundleton Tower was no more a tower than it was a
+town, and would seem to have been christened by the rule of contrary, for
+it was nothing but a great flat open space, without object or incident to
+note it.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, however, was not destined to see it.</p>
+
+<p>As he went floundering along through an apparently interminable and almost
+bottomless lane, whose sunken places and deep ruts were filled with clayey
+water, which played the very deuce with the cords and brown boots, the
+light note of a hound fell on his ear, and almost at the same instant, a
+something that he would have taken for a dog had it not been for the note
+of the hound, turned, as it were, from him, and went in a contrary
+direction.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge reined in the piebald, and stood transfixed. It was, indeed, the
+fox!&mdash;a magnificent full-brushed fellow, with a slight tendency to grey
+along the back, and going with the light spiry ease of an animal full of
+strength and running.</p>
+
+<p>'I wish I mayn't ketch it,' said Sponge to himself, shuddering at the idea
+of having headed him.</p>
+
+<p>It was, however, no time for thinking. The cry of hounds became more
+distinct&mdash;nearer and nearer they came, fuller and more melodious; but,
+alas! it was no music to Sponge. Presently the cheering of hunters was
+heard&mdash;'<span class="smcap">For</span>&mdash;<i>rard</i>! <span class="smcap">For</span>&mdash;<i>rard</i>!' and anon the rate of a
+whip farther back. Another second, and hounds, horses, and men were in
+view, streaming away over the large pasture on the left.</p>
+
+<p>There was a high, straggling fence between Sponge and the field, thick
+enough to prevent their identifying him, but not sufficiently high to
+screen him altogether. Sponge pulled round the piebald, and gathered
+himself together like a man going to be shot. The hounds came tearing full
+cry to where he was; there was a breast-high scent, and every one seemed to
+have it. They charged the fence at a wattled pace a few yards below <a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a>where
+he sat, and flying across the deep dirty lane, dashed full cry into the
+pasture beyond.</p>
+
+<p>'Hie back!' cried Sponge. 'Hie back!' trying to turn them; but instead of
+the piebald carrying him in front of the pack, as Sponge wanted, he took to
+rearing, and plunging, and pawing the air. The hounds meanwhile dashed
+jealously on without a scent, till first one and then another feeling
+ashamed, gave in; and at last a general lull succeeded the recent joyous
+cry. Awful period! terrible to any one, but dreadful to a stranger! Though
+Sponge was in the road, he well knew that no one has any business anywhere
+but with hounds, when a fox is astir.</p>
+
+<p>'Hold hard!' was now the cry, and the perspiring riders and lathered steeds
+came to a standstill.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' went a shrill horn; and a couple of whips, singling
+themselves out from the field, flew over the fence to where the hounds were
+casting.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' went the horn again.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile Sponge sat enjoying the following observations, which a westerly
+wind wafted into his ear.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, d&mdash;n me! that man in the lane's headed the fox,' puffed one.</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it?' gasped another.</p>
+
+<p>'Tom Washball!' exclaimed a third.</p>
+
+<p>'Heads more foxes than any man in the country,' puffed a fourth.</p>
+
+<p>'Always nicking and skirting,' exclaimed a fifth.</p>
+
+<p>'Never comes to the meet,' added a sixth.</p>
+
+<p>'Come on a cow to-day,' observed another.</p>
+
+<p>'Always chopping and changing,' added another; 'he'll come on a giraffe
+next.'</p>
+
+<p>Having commenced his career with the 'F.H.H.' so inauspiciously and yet
+escaped detection, Mr. Sponge thought of letting Tom Washball enjoy the
+honours of his <i>faux-pas</i>, and of sneaking quietly home as soon as the
+hounds hit off the scent; but unluckily, just as they were crossing the
+lane, what should heave in sight, cantering along at his leisure, but the
+redoubtable Multum in Parvo, who, having got rid of old Leather by bumping
+and thumping his leg against a gate-post, was enjoying a line of his own.</p><p><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Whoay!' cried Sponge, as he saw the horse quickening his pace to have a
+shy at the hounds as they crossed. 'Who&mdash;o&mdash;a&mdash;y!' roared he, brandishing
+his whip, and trying to turn the piebald round; but no, the brute wouldn't
+answer the bit, and dreading lest, in addition to heading the fox, he
+should kill 'the best hound in the pack,' Mr. Sponge threw himself off,
+regardless of the mud-bath in which he lit, and caught the runaway as he
+tried to dart past.</p>
+
+<p>'For-rard!&mdash;for-rard!&mdash;for-rard!' was again the cry, as the hounds hit off
+the scent; while the late pausing, panting sportsmen tackled vigorously
+with their steeds, and swept onward like the careering wind.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, albeit somewhat perplexed, had still sufficient presence of
+mind to see the necessity of immediate action; and though he had so lately
+contemplated beating a retreat, the unexpected appearance of Parvo altered
+the state of affairs.</p>
+
+<p>'Now or never,' said he, looking first at the disappearing field, and then
+for the non-appearing Leather. 'Hang it! I may as well see the run,' added
+he; so hooking the piebald on to an old stone gate-post that stood in the
+ragged fence, and lengthening a stirrup-leather, he vaulted into the
+saddle, and began lengthening the other as he went.</p>
+
+<p>It was one of Parvo's going days; indeed, it was that that old Leather and
+he had quarrelled about&mdash;Parvo wanting to follow the hounds, while Leather
+wanted to wait for his master. And Parvo had the knack of going, as well as
+the occasional inclination. Although such a drayhorse-looking animal, he
+could throw the ground behind him amazingly; and the deep-holding clay in
+which he now found himself was admirably suited to his short, powerful legs
+and enormous stride. The consequence was, that he was very soon up with the
+hindmost horsemen. These he soon passed, and was presently among those who
+ride hard when there is nothing to stop them. Such time as these sportsmen
+could now spare from looking out ahead was devoted to Sponge, whom they
+eyed with the utmost astonishment, as if he had dropped from the clouds.</p><p><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a></p>
+
+<p>A stranger&mdash;a real out-and-out stranger&mdash;had not visited their remote
+regions since the days of poor Nimrod. 'Who could it be?' But 'the pace,'
+as Nimrod used to say, 'was too good to inquire.' A little farther on, and
+Sponge drew upon the great guns of the hunt&mdash;the men who ride <i>to</i> hounds,
+and not <i>after</i> them; the same who had criticized him through the
+fence&mdash;Mr. Wake, Mr. Fossick, Parson Blossomnose, Mr. Fyle, Lord
+Scamperdale, Jack himself, and others. Great was their astonishment at the
+apparition, and incoherent the observations they dropped as they galloped
+on.</p>
+
+<p>'It isn't Wash, after all,' whispered Fyle into Blossomnose's ear, as they
+rode through a gate together.</p>
+
+<p>'No-o-o,' replied the nose, eyeing Sponge intently.</p>
+
+<p>'What a coat!' whispered one.</p>
+
+<p>'Jacket,' replied the other.</p>
+
+<p>'Lost his brush,' observed a third, winking at Sponge's docked tail.</p>
+
+<p>'He's going to ride over us all,' snapped Mr. Fossick, whom Sponge passed
+at a hand-canter, as the former was blobbing and floundering about the deep
+ruts leading out of a turnip-field.</p>
+
+<p>'He'll catch it just now,' said Mr. Wake, eyeing Sponge drawing upon his
+lordship and Jack, as they led the field as usual. Jack being at a
+respectful distance behind his great patron, espied Sponge first; and
+having taken a good stare at him through his formidable spectacles, to
+satisfy himself that it was nobody he knew&mdash;a stare that Sponge returned as
+well as a man without spectacles can return the stare of one with&mdash;Jack
+spurred his horse up to his lordship, and rising in his stirrups, shot into
+his ear&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'Why, here's the man on the cow!' adding, 'it isn't Washey.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who the deuce is it then?' asked his lordship, looking over his left
+shoulder, as he kept galloping on in the wake of his huntsman.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Jack; 'never saw him before.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nor I,' said his lordship, with an air as much as to say, 'It makes no
+matter.'</p>
+
+<p>His lordship, though well mounted, was not exactly<a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a> on the sort of horse
+for the country they were in; while Mr. Sponge, in addition to being on the
+very animal for it, had the advantage of the horse having gone the first
+part of the run without a rider: so Multum in Parvo, whether Mr. Sponge
+wished it or not, insisted on being as far forward as he could get. The
+more Sponge pulled and hauled, the more determined the horse was; till,
+having thrown both Jack and his lordship in the rear, he made for old
+Frostyface, the huntsman, who was riding well up to the still-flying pack.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Hold hard</span>, sir! For God's sake, hold hard!' screamed Frosty, who
+knew by intuition there was a horse behind, as well as he knew there was a
+man shooting in front, who, in all probability, had headed the fox.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Hold hard</span>, sir!' roared he, as, yawning and boring and shaking
+his head, Parvo dashed through the now yelping scattered pack, making
+straight for a stiff new gate, which he smashed through, just as a circus
+pony smashes through a paper hoop.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoo-ray!' shouted Jack Spraggon, on seeing the hounds were safe. 'Hoo-ray
+for the tailor!'</p>
+
+<p>'Billy Button, himself!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'never saw such a
+thing in my life!'</p>
+
+<p>'Who the deuce is he?' asked Blossomnose, in the full glow of
+pulling-five-year-old exertion.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'he's a shaver, whoever he is.'</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the frightened hounds were scattered right and left.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll lay a guinea he's one of those confounded waiting chaps,' observed
+Fyle, who had been handled rather roughly by one of the tribe, who had
+dropped 'quite promiscuously' upon a field where he was, just as Sponge had
+done with Lord Scamperdale's.</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' replied his lordship, eyeing Sponge's vain endeavours
+to turn the chestnut, and thinking how he would 'pitch into him' when he
+came up. 'By Jove,' added his lordship, 'if the fellow had taken the whole
+country round, he couldn't have chosen a worse spot for such an exploit;
+for there never <i>is</i> any <a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a>scent over here. See! not a hound can own it. Old
+Harmony herself throws up.</p>
+
+<p>The whips again are in their places, turning the astonished pack to
+Frostyface, who sets off on a casting expedition. The field, as usual, sit
+looking on; some blessing Sponge; some wondering who he was; others looking
+what o'clock it is; some dismounting and looking at their horses' feet.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots!' exclaimed his lordship, as, by dint of
+bitting and spurring, Sponge at length worked the beast round, and came
+sneaking back in the face of the whole field. 'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots,'
+repeated he, taking off his hat and bowing very low. 'Very much obl<i>e</i>ged
+to you, Mr. Brown Boots. Most particklarly obl<i>e</i>ged to you, Mr. Brown
+Boots,' with another low bow. 'Hang'd obl<i>e</i>ged to you, Mr. Brown Boots!
+D&mdash;n you, Mr. Brown Boots!' continued his lordship, looking at Sponge as if
+he would eat him.</p>
+
+<p>'Beg pardon, sir,' blurted Sponge; 'my horse&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang your horse!' screamed his lordship; 'it wasn't your horse that headed
+the fox, was it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Beg pardon&mdash;couldn't help it; I&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't help it. Hang your helps&mdash;you're <i>always</i> doing it, sir. You
+could stay at home, sir&mdash;I s'pose, sir&mdash;couldn't you, sir? eh, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge was silent.</p>
+
+<p>'See, sir!' continued his lordship, pointing to the mute pack now following
+the huntsman, 'you've lost us our fox, sir&mdash;yes, sir, lost us our fox, sir.
+D'ye call that nothin', sir? If you don't, <i>I</i> do, you
+perpendicular-looking Puseyite pig-jobber! By Jove! you think because I'm a
+lord, and can't swear, or use coarse language, that you may do what you
+like&mdash;but I'll take my hounds home, sir&mdash;yes, sir, I'll take my hounds
+home, sir.' So saying, his lordship roared <span class="smcap">home</span> to Frostyface;
+adding, in an undertone to the first whip, 'bid him go to Furzing-field
+gorse.'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXI" id="CHAPTER_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI</h2>
+
+<h3>A COUNTRY DINNER-PARTY</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 171px;">
+<img src="images/image152.jpg" width="171" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>ell, what sport?' asked Jawleyford, as he encountered his exceedingly
+dirty friend crossing the entrance hall to his bedroom on his return from
+his day, or rather his non-day, with the 'Flat Hat Hunt.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, not much&mdash;that's to say, nothing particular&mdash;I mean, I've not had
+any,' blurted Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'But you've had a run?' observed Jawleyford, pointing to his boots and
+breeches, stained with the variation of each soil.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I got most of that going to cover,' replied Sponge; 'country's awfully
+deep, roads abominably dirty!' adding, 'I wish I'd taken your advice, and
+stayed at home.'</p>
+
+<p>'I wish you had,' replied Jawleyford, 'you'd have had a most excellent
+rabbit-pie for luncheon. However, get changed, and we will hear all about
+it after.' So saying, Jawleyford waved an adieu, and Sponge stamped away in
+his dirty water-logged boots.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm afraid you are very wet, Mr. Sponge,' observed Amelia in the sweetest
+tone, with the most loving smile possible, as our friend, with three steps
+at a time, bounded upstairs, and nearly butted her on the landing, as she
+was on the point of coming down.</p>
+
+<p>'I am that,' exclaimed Sponge, delighted at the greeting; 'I am that,'
+repeated he, slapping his much-stained cords; 'dirty, too,' added he,
+looking down at his nether man.</p>
+
+<p>'Hadn't you better get changed as quick as possible?' asked Amelia, still
+keeping her position before him.</p><p><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Oh! all in good time,' replied Sponge, 'all in good time. The sight of you
+warms me more than a fire would do'; adding, 'I declare you look quite
+bewitching, after all the roughings and tumblings about out of doors.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! you've not had a fall, have you?' exclaimed Amelia, looking the
+picture of despair; 'you've not had a fall, have you? Do send for the
+doctor, and be bled.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then a door along the passage to the left opened; and Amelia, knowing
+pretty well who it was, smiled and tripped away, leaving Sponge to be bled
+or not as he thought proper.</p>
+
+<p>Our hero then made for his bedroom, where, having sucked off his adhesive
+boots, and divested himself of the rest of his hunting attire, he wrapped
+himself up in his grey flannel dressing-gown, and prepared for parboiling
+his legs and feet, amid agreeable anticipations arising out of the recent
+interview, and occasional references to his old friend <i>Mogg</i>, whenever he
+did not see his way on the matrimonial road as clearly as he could wish.
+'She'll have me, that's certain,' observed he.</p>
+
+<p>'Curse the water! how hot it is!' exclaimed he, catching his foot up out of
+the bath, into which he had incautiously plunged it without ascertaining
+the temperature of the water. He then sluiced it with cold, and next had to
+add a little more hot; at last he got it to his mind, and lighting a cigar,
+prepared for uninterrupted enjoyment.</p>
+
+<p>'Gad!' said he, 'she's by no means a bad-looking girl' (whiff). 'Devilish
+good-looking girl' (puff); 'good head and neck, and carries it well too'
+(puff)&mdash;'capital eye' (whiff), 'bright and clear' (puff); 'no cataracts
+there. She's all good together' (whiff, puff, whiff). 'Nice size too,'
+continued he, 'and well set up (whiff, puff, whiff); 'straight as a dairy
+maid' (puff); 'plenty of substance&mdash;grand thing substance' (puff). 'Hate a
+weedy woman&mdash;fifteen two and a half&mdash;that's to say, five feet four's plenty
+of height for a woman' (puff). 'Height of a woman has nothing to do with
+her size' (whiff). 'Wish she hadn't run off (puff); 'would like to have had
+a little more talk with her' (whiff, puff). 'Women never look so well as
+when one comes <a name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a>in wet and dirty from hunting' (puff). He then sank
+silently back in the easy-chair and whiffed and puffed all sorts of
+fantastic clouds and columns and corkscrews at his leisure. The cigar being
+finished, and the water in the foot-bath beginning to get cool, he emptied
+the remainder of the hot into it, and lighting a fresh cigar, began
+speculating on how the match was to be accomplished.</p>
+
+<p>The lady was safe, that was clear; he had nothing to do but 'pop.' That he
+would do in the evening, or in the morning, or any time&mdash;a man living in
+the house with a girl need never be in want of an opportunity. That
+preliminary over, and the usual answer 'Ask papa' obtained, then came the
+question, how was the old boy to be managed?&mdash;for men with marriageable
+daughters are to all intents and purposes 'old boys,' be their ages what
+they may.</p>
+
+<p>He became lost in reflection. He sat with his eyes fixed on the Jawleyford
+portrait above the mantelpiece, wondering whether he was the amiable,
+liberal, hearty, disinterested sort of man he appeared to be, indifferent
+about money, and only wanting unexceptionable young men for his daughters;
+or if he was a worldly minded man, like some he had met, who, after giving
+him every possible encouragement, sent him to the right-about like a
+servant. So Sponge smoked and thought, and thought and smoked, till the
+water in the foot-bath again getting cold, and the shades of night drawing
+on, he at last started up like a man determined to awake himself, and
+poking a match into the fire, lighted the candles on the toilet-table, and
+proceeded to adorn himself. Having again got himself into the killing
+tights and buckled pumps, with a fine flower-fronted shirt, ere he embarked
+on the delicacies and difficulties of the starcher, he stirred the little
+pittance of a fire, and, folding himself in his dressing-gown, endeavoured
+to prepare his mind for the calm consideration of all the minute bearings
+of the question by a little more <i>Mogg</i>. In idea he transferred himself to
+London, now fancying himself standing at the end of Burlington Arcade,
+hailing a Fulham or Turnham Green 'bus; now wrangling with a conductor<a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a> for
+charging him sixpence when there was a pennant flapping at his nose with
+the words "<span class="smcap">all the way 3d.</span>" upon it; now folding the wooden doors
+of a hansom cab in Oxford Street, calculating the extreme distance he could
+go for an eightpenny fare: until at last he fell into a downright vacant
+sort of reading, without rhyme or reason, just as one sometimes takes a
+read of a directory or a dictionary&mdash;"Conduit Street, George Street, to or
+from the Adelphi Terrace, Astley's Amphitheatre, Baker Street, King Street,
+Bryanston Square any part, Covent Garden Theatre, Foundling Hospital,
+Hatton Garden," and so on, till the thunder of the gong aroused him to a
+recollection of his duties. He then up and at his neckcloth.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well," said he, reverting to his lady love, as he eyed himself
+intently in the glass while performing the critical operation, "I'll just
+sound the old gentleman after dinner&mdash;one can do that sort of thing better
+over one's wine, perhaps, than at any other time: looks less formal too,"
+added he, giving the cravat a knowing crease at the side; "and if it
+doesn't seem to take, one can just pass it off as if it was done for
+somebody else&mdash;some young gentleman at Laverick Wells, for instance."</p>
+
+<p>So saying, he on with his white waistcoat, and crowned the conquering suit
+with a blue coat and metal buttons. Returning his <i>Mogg</i> to his
+dressing-gown pocket, he blew out the candles and groped his way downstairs
+in the dark.</p>
+
+<p>In passing the dining-room he looked in (to see if there were any
+champaign-glasses set, we believe), when he saw that he should not have an
+opportunity of sounding his intended papa-in-law after dinner, for he found
+the table laid for twelve, and a great display of plate, linen, and china.</p>
+
+<p>He then swaggered on to the drawing-room, which was in a blaze of light.
+The lively Emily had stolen a march on her sister, and had just entered,
+attired in a fine new pale yellow silk dress with a point-lace berthe and
+other adornments.</p>
+
+<p>High words had ensued between the sisters as to the meanness of Amelia in
+trying to take her beau from her, especially after the airs Amelia had
+given herself respecting <a name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a>Sponge; and a minute observer might have seen the
+slight tinge of red on Emily's eyelids denoting the usual issue of such
+scenes. The result was, that each determined to do the best she could for
+herself; and free trade being proclaimed, Emily proceeded to dress with all
+expedition, calculating that, as Mr. Sponge had come in wet, he would, very
+likely dress at once and appear in the drawing-room in good time. Nor was
+she out in her reckoning, for she had hardly enjoyed an approving glance in
+the mirror ere our hero came swaggering in, twitching his arms as if he
+hadn't got his wristbands adjusted, and working his legs as if they didn't
+belong to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, my dear Miss Emley!" exclaimed he, advancing gaily towards her with
+extended hand, which she took with all the pleasure in the world; adding,
+"and how have you been?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, pretty well, thank you," replied she, looking as though she would have
+said, "As well as I can be without you."</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, though a consummate judge of a horse, and all the minutiae
+connected with them, was still rather green in the matter of woman; and
+having settled in his own mind that Amelia should be his choice, he
+concluded that Emily knew all about it, and was working on her sister's
+account, instead of doing the agreeable for herself. And there it is where
+elder sisters have such an advantage over younger ones. They are always
+shown, or contrive to show themselves, first; and if a man once makes up
+his mind that the elder one will do, there is an end of the matter; and it
+is neither a deeper shade or two of blue, nor a brighter tinge of brown,
+nor a little smaller foot, nor a more elegant waist, that will make him
+change for a younger sister. The younger ones immediately become sisters in
+the men's minds, and retire, or are retired, from the field&mdash;"scratched,"
+as Sponge would say.</p>
+
+<p>Amelia, however, was not going to give Emily a chance; for, having dressed
+with all the expedition compatible with an attractive toilet&mdash;a
+lavender-coloured satin with broad black lace flounces, and some heavy<a name="Page_157" id="Page_157"></a>
+jewellery on her well-turned arms, she came sidling in so gently as almost
+to catch Emily in the act of playing the agreeable. Turning the sidle into
+a stately sail, with a haughty sort of sneer and toss of the head to her
+sister, as much as to say, 'What are you doing with my man?'&mdash;a sneer that
+suddenly changed into a sweet smile as her eye encountered Sponge's&mdash;she
+just motioned him off to a sofa, where she commenced a <i>sotto voce</i>
+conversation in the engaged-couple style.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 267px;">
+<img src="images/image157.jpg" width="267" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE AND THE MISSES JAWLEYFORD" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE AND THE MISSES JAWLEYFORD</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The plot then began to thicken. First came Jawleyford, in a terrible stew.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, this is too bad!' exclaimed he, stamping and flourishing a scented
+note, with a crest and initials at the <a name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a>top. 'This is too bad,' repeated
+he; 'people accepting invitations, and then crying off at the last moment.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it can't come, papa&mdash;the Foozles?' asked Emily.</p>
+
+<p>'No&mdash;Foozles be hanged,' sneered Jawleyford; 'they always come&mdash;<i>the
+Blossomnoses!</i>' replied he, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'The Blossomnoses!' exclaimed both girls, clasping their hands and looking
+up at the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>'What, all of them?' asked Emily.</p>
+
+<p>'All of them,' rejoined Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, that's four,' observed Emily.</p>
+
+<p>'To be sure it is,' replied Jawleyford; 'five, if you count them by
+appetites; for old Blossom always eats and drinks as much as two people.'</p>
+
+<p>'What excuse do they give?' asked Amelia.</p>
+
+<p>'Carriage-horse taken suddenly ill,' replied Jawleyford; 'as if that's any
+excuse when there are post-horses within half a dozen miles.'</p>
+
+<p>'He wouldn't have been stopped hunting for want of a horse, I dare say,'
+observed Amelia.</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say it's all a lie,' observed Jawleyford; adding, 'however, the
+invitation shall go for a dinner, all the same.'</p>
+
+<p>The denunciation was interrupted by the appearance of Spigot, who came
+looming up the spacious drawing-room in the full magnificence of black
+shorts, silk stockings, and buckled pumps, followed by a sheepish-looking,
+straight-haired, red apple-faced young gentleman, whom he announced as Mr.
+Robert Foozle. Robert was the hope of the house of Foozle; and it was
+fortunate his parents were satisfied with him, for few other people were.
+He was a young gentleman who shook hands with everybody, assented to
+anything that anybody said, and in answering a question, wherein indeed his
+conversation chiefly consisted, he always followed the words of the
+interrogation as much as he could. For instance: 'Well, Robert, have you
+been at Dulverton to-day?' Answer, 'No, I've not been at Dulverton to-day.'
+Question, 'Are you going to Dulverton to-morrow?' Answer, 'No, I'm not
+going to Dulverton<a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a> to-morrow.' Having shaken hands with the party all
+round, and turned to the fire to warm his red fists, Jawleyford having
+stood at 'attention' for such time as he thought Mrs. Foozle would be
+occupied before the glass in his study arranging her head-gear, and seeing
+no symptoms of any further announcement, at last asked Foozle if his papa
+and mamma were not coming.</p>
+
+<p>'No, my papa and mamma are not coming,' replied he.</p>
+
+<p>'Are you sure?' asked Jawleyford, in a tone of excitement.</p>
+
+<p>'Quite sure,' replied Foozle, in the most matter-of-course voice.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 236px;">
+<img src="images/image159.jpg" width="236" height="300" alt="MR. ROBERT FOOZLE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. ROBERT FOOZLE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'The deuce!' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping his foot upon the soft rug,
+adding, 'it never rains but it pours!'</p>
+
+<p>'Have you any note, or anything?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford, who had followed
+Robert Foozle into the room.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I have a note,' replied he, diving into the inner pocket of his coat,
+and producing one. The note was a letter&mdash;a letter from Mrs. Foozle to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, three sides and crossed; and seeing the magnitude thereof, Mrs.
+Jawleyford quietly put it into her reticule, observing, 'that she hoped Mr.
+and Mrs. Foozle were well?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, they are well,' replied Robert, notwithstanding he had express orders
+to say that his papa had the toothache, and his mamma the earache.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford then gave a furious ring at the bell for dinner, and in due
+course of time the party of six proceeded to a table for twelve. Sponge
+pawned Mrs. Jawleyford off upon Robert Foozle, which gave Sponge<a name="Page_160" id="Page_160"></a> the right
+to the fair Amelia, who walked off on his arm with a toss of her head at
+Emily, as though she thought him the finest, sprightliest man under the
+sun. Emily followed, and Jawleyford came sulking in alone, sore put out at
+the failure of what he meant for <i>the</i> grand entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>Lights blazed in profusion; lamps more accustomed had now become better
+behaved; and the whole strength of the plate was called in requisition,
+sadly puzzling the unfortunate cook to find something to put upon the
+dishes. She, however, was a real magnanimous-minded woman, who would
+undertake to cook a lord mayor's feast&mdash;soups, sweets, joints, entr&eacute;es, and
+all.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford was nearly silent during the dinner; indeed, he was too far off
+for conversation, had there been any for him to join in; which was not the
+case, for Amelia and Sponge kept up a hum of words, while Emily worked
+Robert Foozle with question and answer, such as:</p>
+
+<p>"Were your sisters out to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my sisters were out to-day."</p>
+
+<p>"Are your sisters going to the Christmas ball?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my sisters are going to the Christmas ball," &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>Still, nearly daft as Robert was, he was generally asked where there was
+anything going on; and more than one young la&mdash;but we will not tell about
+that, as he has nothing to do with our story.</p>
+
+<p>By the time the ladies took their departure, Mr. Jawleyford had somewhat
+recovered from the annoyance of his disappointment; and as they retired he
+rang the bell, and desired Spigot to set in the horse-shoe table, and bring
+a bottle of the "green seal," being the colour affixed on the bottles of a
+four-dozen hamper of port ("curious old port at 48<i>s</i>.") that had arrived
+from "Wintle &amp; Co." by rail (goods train of course) that morning.</p>
+
+<p>"There!" exclaimed Jawleyford, as Spigot placed the richly cut decanter on
+the horse-shoe table. "There!" repeated he, drawing the green curtain as if
+to shade it from the fire, but in reality to hide the dulness the recent
+<a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a>shaking had given it; "that wine," said he, "is a quarter of a century in
+bottle, at the very least."</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' observed Sponge: 'time it was drunk.'</p>
+
+<p>'A quarter of a century?' gaped Robert Foozle.</p>
+
+<p>'Quarter of a century if it's a day,' replied Jawleyford, smacking his lips
+as he set down his glass after imbibing the precious beverage.</p>
+
+<p>'Very fine,' observed Sponge; adding, as he sipped off his glass, 'it's odd
+to find such old wine so full-bodied.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now tell us all about your day's proceedings,' said Jawleyford,
+thinking it advisable to change the conversation at once. 'What sport had
+you with my lord?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, why, I really can't tell you much,' drawled Sponge, with an air of
+bewilderment. 'Strange country&mdash;strange faces&mdash;nobody I knew, and&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, true,' replied Jawleyford, 'true. It occurred to me after you were
+gone, that perhaps you might not know any one. Ours, you see, is rather an
+out-of-the-way country; few of our people go to town, or indeed anywhere
+else; they are all tarry-at-home birds. But they'd receive you with great
+politeness, I'm sure&mdash;if they knew you came from here, at least,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge was silent, and took a great gulp of the dull 'Wintle,' to save
+himself from answering.</p>
+
+<p>'Was my Lord Scamperdale out?' asked Jawleyford, seeing he was not going to
+get a reply.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I can really hardly tell you that,' replied Sponge. 'There were two
+men out, either of whom might be him; at least, they both seemed to take
+the lead, and&mdash;and&mdash;' he was going to say 'blow up the people,' but he
+thought he might as well keep that to himself.</p>
+
+<p>'Stout, hale-looking men, dressed much alike, with great broad
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles on?' asked Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, you are right, then,' rejoined Jawleyford; 'it would be my lord.'</p>
+
+<p>'And who was the other?' inquired our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, that Jack Spraggon,' replied Jawleyford, curling<a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a> up his nose, as if
+he was going to be sick; 'one of the most odious wretches under the sun. I
+really don't know any man that I have so great a dislike to, so utter a
+contempt for, as that Jack, as they call him.'</p>
+
+<p>'What is he?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, just a hanger-on of his lordship's; the creature has nothing&mdash;nothing
+whatever; he lives on my lord&mdash;eats his venison, drinks his claret, rides
+his horses, bullies those his lordship doesn't like to tackle with, and
+makes himself generally useful.'</p>
+
+<p>'He seems a man of that sort,' observed Sponge, as he thought over the
+compliment he had received.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, who else had you out, then?' asked Jawleyford. 'Was Tom Washball
+there?'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sponge: '<i>he</i> wasn't out, I know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's unfortunate,' observed Jawleyford, helping himself and passing
+the bottle. 'Tom's a capital fellow&mdash;a perfect gentleman&mdash;great friend of
+mine. If he'd been out you'd have had nothing to do but mention my name,
+and he'd have put you all right in a minute. Who else was there, then?'
+continued he.</p>
+
+<p>'There was a tall man in black, on a good-looking young brown horse, rather
+rash at his fences, but a fine style of goer.'</p>
+
+<p>'What!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'man in drab cords and jack-boots, with the
+brim of his hat rather turning upwards?'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' replied Sponge; 'and a double ribbon for a hat-string.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's Master Blossomnose,' observed Jawleyford, scarcely able to contain
+his indignation. 'That's Master Blossomnose,' repeated he, taking a back
+hand at the port in the excitement of the moment. 'More to his credit if he
+were to stay at home and attend to his parish,' added Jawleyford; meaning,
+it would have been more to his credit if he had fulfilled his engagement to
+him that evening, instead of going out hunting in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>The two then sat silent for a time, Sponge seeing where the sore place was,
+and Robert Foozle, as usual, seeing nothing. <a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a>'Ah, well,' observed
+Jawleyford, at length breaking silence, 'it was unfortunate you went this
+morning. I did my best to prevent you&mdash;told you what a long way it was, and
+so on. However, never mind, we will put all right to-morrow. His lordship,
+I'm sure, will be most happy to see you. So help yourself,' continued he,
+passing the 'Wintle,' 'and we will drink his health and success to
+fox-hunting.'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge filled a bumper and drank his lordship's health, with the
+accompaniment as desired; and turning to Robert Foozle, who was doing
+likewise, said, 'Are you fond of hunting?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I'm fond of hunting,' replied Foozle.</p>
+
+<p>'But you <i>don't</i> hunt, you know, Robert,' observed Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I don't hunt,' replied Robert.</p>
+
+<p>The 'green seal' being demolished, Jawleyford ordered a bottle of the
+'other,' attributing the slight discoloration (which he did not discover
+until they had nearly finished the bottle) to change of atmosphere in the
+outer cellar. Sponge tackled vigorously with the new-comer, which was
+better than the first; and Robert Foozle, drinking as he spoke, by pattern,
+kept filling away, much to Jawleyford's dissatisfaction, who was compelled
+to order a third. During the progress of its demolition, the host's tongue
+became considerably loosened. He talked of hunting and the charms of the
+chase&mdash;of the good fellowship it produced: and expatiated on the advantages
+it was of to the country in a national point of view, promoting as it did a
+spirit of manly enterprise, and encouraging our unrivalled breed of horses;
+both of which he looked upon as national objects, well worthy the attention
+of enlightened men like himself.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford was a great patron of the chase; and his keeper, Watson, always
+had a bag-fox ready to turn down when my lord's hounds met there.
+Jawleyford's covers were never known to be drawn blank. Though they had
+been shot in the day before, they always held a fox the next&mdash;if a fox was
+wanted.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge being quite at home on the subjects of horses <a name="Page_164" id="Page_164"></a>and hunting, lauded
+all his papa-in-law's observations up to the skies; occasionally
+considering whether it would be advisable to sell him a horse, and
+thinking, if he did, whether he should let him have one of the three he had
+down, or should get old Buckram to buy some quiet screw that would stand a
+little work and yield him (Sponge) a little profit, and yet not demolish
+the great patron of English sports. The more Jawleyford drank, the more
+energetic he became, and the greater pleasure he anticipated from the meet
+of the morrow. He docked the lord, and spoke of 'Scamperdale' as an
+excellent fellow&mdash;a real, good, hearty, honest Englishman&mdash;a man that 'the
+more you knew the more you liked'; all of which was very encouraging to
+Sponge. Spigot at length appeared to read the tea and coffee riot-act, when
+Jawleyford determined not to be done out of another bottle, pointing to the
+nearly emptied decanter, said to Robert Foozle, 'I suppose you'll not take
+any more wine?' To which Robert replied, 'No, I'll not take any more wine.'
+Whereupon, pushing out his chair and throwing away his napkin, Jawleyford
+arose and led the way to the drawing-room, followed by Sponge and this
+entertaining young gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>A round game followed tea; which, in its turn, was succeeded by a massive
+silver tray, chiefly decorated with cold water and tumblers; and as the
+various independent clocks in the drawing-room began chiming and striking
+eleven, Mr. Jawleyford thought he would try to get rid of Foozle by asking
+him if he hadn't better stay all night.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I think I'd better stay all night,' replied Foozle.</p>
+
+<p>'But won't they be expecting you at home, Robert?' asked Jawleyford, not
+feeling disposed to be caught in his own trap.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, they'll be expecting me at home,' replied Foozle.</p>
+
+<p>'Then, perhaps you had better not alarm them by staying,' suggested
+Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'No, perhaps I'd better not alarm them by staying,' repeated Foozle.
+Whereupon they all rose, and wishing him a very good night, Jawleyford
+handed him over to Spigot, who transferred him to one footman, who passed
+<a name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a>him to another, to button into his leather-headed shandridan.</p>
+
+<p>After talking Robert over, and expatiating on the misfortune it would be to
+have such a boy, Jawleyford rang the bell for the banquet of water to be
+taken away; and ordering breakfast half-an-hour earlier than usual, our
+friends went to bed.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXII" id="CHAPTER_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE F.H.H. AGAIN</h3>
+
+
+<p>Gentlemen unaccustomed to public hunting often make queer figures of
+themselves when they go out. We have seen them in all sorts of odd dresses,
+half fox-hunters half fishermen, half fox-hunters half sailors, with now
+and then a good sturdy cross of the farmer.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jawleyford was a cross between a military dandy and a squire. The
+green-and-gold Bumperkin foraging-cap, with the letters 'B.Y.C.' in front,
+was cocked jauntily on one side of his badger-pyed head, while he played
+sportively with the patent leather strap&mdash;now, toying with it on his lip,
+now dropping it below his chin, now hitching it up on to the peak. He had a
+tremendously stiff stock on&mdash;so hard that no pressure made it wrinkle, and
+so high that his pointed gills could hardly peer above it. His coat was a
+bright green cut-away&mdash;made when collars were worn very high and very
+hollow, and when waists were supposed to be about the middle of a man's
+back, Jawleyford's back buttons occupying that remarkable position. These,
+which were of dead gold with a bright rim, represented a hare full stretch
+for her life, and were the buttons of the old Muggeridge hunt&mdash;a hunt that
+had died many years ago from want of the necessary funds (80<i>l</i>.) to carry
+it on. The coat, which was single-breasted and velvet-collared, was
+extremely swallow-tailed, presenting a remarkable contrast to the
+barge-built, roomy roundabouts of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt; the
+collar rising behind, in the shape of <a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a>a Gothic arch, exhibited all the
+stitchings and threadings incident to that department of the garment.</p>
+
+<p>But if Mr. Jawleyford's coat went to 'hare,' his waistcoat was fox and all
+'fox.' On a bright blue ground he sported such an infinity of 'heads,' that
+there is no saying that he would have been safe in a kennel of unsteady
+hounds. One thing, to be sure, was in his favour&mdash;namely, that they were
+just as much like cats' heads as foxes'. The coat and waistcoat were old
+stagers, but his nether man was encased in rhubarb-coloured tweed
+pantaloons of the newest make&mdash;a species of material extremely soft and
+comfortable to wear, but not so well adapted for roughing it across
+country. These had a broad brown stripe down the sides, and were shaped out
+over the foot of his fine French-polished paper boots, the heels of which
+were decorated with long-necked, ringing spurs. Thus attired, with a little
+silver-mounted whip which he kept flourishing about, he encountered Mr.
+Sponge in the entrance-hall, after breakfast. Mr. Sponge, like all men who
+are 'extremely natty' themselves, men who wouldn't have a button out of
+place if it was ever so, hardly knew what to think of Jawleyford's costume.
+It was clear he was no sportsman; and then came the question, whether he
+was of the privileged few who may do what they like, and who can carry off
+any kind of absurdity. Whatever uneasiness Sponge felt on that score,
+Jawleyford, however, was quite at his ease, and swaggered about like an
+aide-de-camp at a review.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, we should be going, I suppose,' said he, drawing on a pair of
+half-dirty, lemon-coloured kid gloves, and sabreing the air with his whip.</p>
+
+<p>'Is Lord Scamperdale punctual?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Tol-lol,' replied Jawleyford, 'tol-lol.'</p>
+
+<p>'He'll wait for <i>you</i>, I suppose?' observed Sponge, thinking to try
+Jawleyford on that infallible criterion of favour.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, if he knew I was coming, I dare say he would,' replied Jawleyford
+slowly and deliberately, feeling it was now no time for flashing. 'If he
+knew I was coming I dare say he would,' repeated he; 'indeed, I make no
+doubt he would: but one doesn't like putting <a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a>great men out of their way;
+besides which, it's just as easy to be punctual as otherwise. When I was in
+the Bumperkin&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'But your horse is on, isn't it?' interrupted Sponge; 'he'll see your horse
+there, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Horse on, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'horse on? No, certainly
+not. How should I get there myself, if my horse was on?'</p>
+
+<p>'Hack, to be sure,' replied Sponge, striking a light for his cigar.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, but then I should have no groom to go with me,' observed Jawleyford,
+adding, 'one must make a certain appearance, you know. But come, my dear
+Mr. Sponge,' continued he, laying hold of our hero's arm, 'let us get to
+the door, for that cigar of yours will fumigate the whole house; and Mrs.
+Jawleyford hates the smell of tobacco.'</p>
+
+<p>Spigot, with his attendants in livery, here put a stop to the confab by
+hurrying past, drawing the bolts, and throwing back the spacious folding
+doors, as if royalty or Daniel Lambert himself were 'coming out.'</p>
+
+<p>The noise they made was heard outside; and on reaching the top of the
+spacious flight of steps, Sponge's piebald in charge of a dirty village
+lad, and Jawleyford's steeds with a sky-blue groom, were seen scuttling
+under the portoco, for the owners to mount. The Jawleyford cavalry was none
+of the best; but Jawleyford was pleased with it, and that is a great thing.
+Indeed, a thing had only to be Jawleyford's, to make Jawleyford excessively
+fond of it.</p>
+
+<p>'There!' exclaimed he, as they reached the third step from the bottom.
+'There!' repeated he, seizing Sponge by the arm, 'that's what I call shape.
+You don't see such an animal as that every day,' pointing to a not badly
+formed, but evidently worn-out, over-knee'd bay, that stood knuckling and
+trembling for Jawleyford to mount.</p>
+
+<p>'One of the "has beens," I should say,' replied Sponge, puffing a cloud of
+smoke right past Jawleyford's nose; adding, 'It's a pity but you could get
+him four new legs.'</p>
+
+<p>'Faith, I don't see that he wants anything of the sort,' retorted
+Jawleyford, nettled as well at the smoke as the observation.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a>'Well, where "ignorance is bliss," &amp;c.,' replied Sponge, with another
+great puff, which nearly blinded Jawleyford. 'Get on, and let's see how he
+goes,' added he, passing on to the piebald as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jawleyford then mounted; and having settled himself into a military
+seat, touched the old screw with the spur, and set off at a canter. The
+piebald, perhaps mistaking the portico for a booth, and thinking it was a
+good place to exhibit it, proceeded to die in the most approved form; and
+not all Sponge's 'Come-up's' or kicks could induce him to rise before he
+had gone through the whole ceremony. At length, with a mane full of gravel,
+a side well smeared, and a 'Wilkinson &amp; Kidd' sadly scratched, the
+<i>ci-devant</i> actor arose, much to the relief of the village lad, who having
+indulged in a gallop as he brought him from Lucksford, expected his death
+would be laid at his door. No sooner was he up, than, without waiting for
+him to shake himself, Mr. Soapey vaulted into the saddle, and seizing him
+by the head, let in the Latchfords in a style that satisfied the hack he
+was not going to canter in a circle. Away he went, best pace; for like all
+Mr. Sponge's horses, he had the knack of going, the general difficulty
+being to get them to go the way they were wanted.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge presently overtook Mr. Jawleyford, who had been brought up by a
+gate, which he was making sundry ineffectual Briggs-like passes and efforts
+to open; the gate and his horse seeming to have combined to prevent his
+getting through. Though an expert swordsman, he had never been able to
+accomplish, the art of opening a gate, especially one of those gingerly
+balanced spring-snecked things that require to be taken at the nick of
+time, or else they drop just as the horse gets his nose to them.</p>
+
+<p>'Why aren't you here to open the gate?' asked Jawleyford, snappishly, as
+the blue boy bustled up as his master's efforts became more hopeless at
+each attempt.</p>
+
+<p>The lad, like a wise fellow, dropped from his horse, and opening it with
+his hands, ran it back on foot.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford and Sponge then rode through.</p>
+
+<p>Canter, canter, canter, went Jawleyford, with an arm <a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a>akimbo, head well up,
+legs well down, toes well pointed, as if he were going to a race, where his
+work would end on arriving, instead of to a fox-hunt, where it would only
+begin.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 276px;">
+<img src="images/image169.jpg" width="276" height="300" alt="JAWLEYFORD GOING TO THE HUNT" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JAWLEYFORD GOING TO THE HUNT</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'You are rather hard on the old nag, aren't you?' at length asked Sponge,
+as, having cleared the rushy, swampy park, they came upon the macadamized
+turnpike, and Jawleyford selected the middle of it as the scene of his
+further progression.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no!' replied Jawleyford, tit-tup-ing along with a loose rein, as if he
+was on the soundest, freshest-legged horse in the world; 'oh no! my horses
+are used to it.' <a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a>'Well, but if you mean to hunt him,' observed Sponge,
+'he'll be blown before he gets to cover.'</p>
+
+<p>'Get him in wind, my dear fellow,' replied Jawleyford, 'get him in wind,'
+touching the horse with the spur as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Faith, but if he was as well on his legs as he is in his wind, he'd not be
+amiss,' rejoined Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>So they cantered and trotted, and trotted and cantered away, Sponge
+thinking he could afford pace as well as Jawleyford. Indeed, a horse has
+only to become a hack, to be able to do double the work he was ever
+supposed to be capable of.</p>
+
+<p>But to the meet.</p>
+
+<p>Scrambleford Green was a small straggling village on the top of a somewhat
+high hill, that divided the vale in which Jawleyford Court was situated
+from the more fertile one of Farthinghoe, in which Lord Scamperdale lived.</p>
+
+<p>It was one of those out-of-the-way places at which the meet of the hounds,
+and a love feast or fair, consisting of two fiddlers (one for each
+public-house), a few unlicensed packmen, three or four gingerbread stalls,
+a drove of cows and some sheep, form the great events of the year among a
+people who are thoroughly happy and contented with that amount of gaiety.
+Think of that, you 'used up' young gentlemen of twenty, who have exhausted
+the pleasures of the world! The hounds did not come to Scrambleford Green
+often, for it was not a favourite meet; and when they did come, Frosty and
+the men generally had them pretty much to themselves. This day, however,
+was the exception; and Old Tom Yarnley, whom age had bent nearly double,
+and who hobbled along on two sticks, declared that never in the course of
+his recollection, a period extending over the best part of a century, had
+he seen such a 'sight of red coats' as mustered that morning at
+Scrambleford Green. It seemed as if there had been a sudden rising of
+sportsmen. What brought them all out? What brought Mr. Puffington, the
+master of the Hanby hounds, out? What brought Blossomnose again? What Mr.
+Wake, Mr. Fossick, Mr. Fyle, who had all been out the day before? <a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a>Reader,
+the news had spread throughout the country that there was a great writer
+down; and they wanted to see what he would say of them&mdash;they had come to
+sit for their portraits, in fact. There was a great gathering, at least for
+the Flat Hat Hunt, who seldom mustered above a dozen. Tom Washball came, in
+a fine new coat and new flat-fliped hat with a broad binding; also Mr.
+Sparks, of Spark Hall; Major Mark; Mr. Archer, of Cheam Lodge; Mr. Reeves,
+of Coxwell Green; Mr. Bliss, of Boltonshaw; Mr. Joyce, of Ebstone; Dr.
+Capon, of Calcot; Mr. Dribble, of Hook; Mr. Slade, of Three-Burrow Hill;
+and several others. Great was the astonishment of each as the other cast
+up.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, here's Joe Reeves!' exclaimed Blossomnose. 'Who'd have thought of
+seeing you?'</p>
+
+<p>'And who'd have thought of seeing <i>you</i>?' rejoined Reeves, shaking hands
+with the jolly old nose.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's Tom Washball in time for once, I declare!' exclaimed Mr. Fyle, as
+Mr. Washball cantered up in apple-pie order.</p>
+
+<p>'Wonders will never cease!' observed Fossick, looking Washy over.</p>
+
+<p>So the field sat in a ring about the hounds in the centre of which, as
+usual, were Jack and Lord Scamperdale, looking with their great
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles, and short grey whiskers trimmed in a
+curve up to their noses, like a couple of horned owls in hats.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's the man on the cow!' exclaimed Jack, as he espied Sponge and
+Jawleyford rising the hill together, easing their horses by standing in
+their stirrups and holding on by their manes.</p>
+
+<p>'You don't say so!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, turning his horse in the
+direction Jack was looking, and staring for hard life too. 'So there is, I
+declare!' observed he.' And who the deuce is this with him?'</p>
+
+<p>'That ass Jawleyford, as I live!' exclaimed Jack, as the blue-coated
+servant now hove in sight.</p>
+
+<p>'So it is!' said Lord Scamperdale; 'the confounded humbug!'</p>
+
+<p>'This boy'll be after one of the young ladies,' observed Jack; 'not one of
+the writing chaps we thought he was.'</p><p><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Lord Scamperdale; adding, in an undertone, 'I
+vote we have a rise out of old Jaw. I'll let you in for a good thing&mdash;you
+shall dine with him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'You <i>shall</i>, though,' replied his lordship firmly.</p>
+
+<p>'Pray don't!' entreated Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, if you don't,' rejoined his lordship, 'you shall not have a
+mount out of me for a month.'</p>
+
+<p>While this conversation was going on, Jawleyford and Sponge, having risen
+the hill, had resumed their seats in the saddle, and Jawleyford, setting
+himself in attitude, tickled his horse with his spur, and proceeded to
+canter becomingly up to the pack; Sponge and the groom following a little
+behind.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, Jawleyford, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, putting his
+horse on a few steps to meet him as he came flourishing up. 'Ah,
+Jawleyford, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to see you,' extending a hand as
+he spoke. 'Jack, here, told me that he saw your flag flying as he passed,
+and I said what a pity it was but I'd known before; for Jawleyford, said I,
+is a real good fellow, one of the best fellows I know, and has asked me to
+dine so often that I'm almost ashamed to meet him; and it would have been
+such a nice opportunity to have volunteered a visit, the hounds being here,
+you see.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, that's so kind of your lordship!' exclaimed Jawleyford, quite
+delighted&mdash;'that's so kind of your lordship&mdash;that's just what I
+like!&mdash;that's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes!&mdash;that's just what we all
+like!&mdash;coming without fuss or ceremony, just as my friend Mr. Sponge, here,
+does. By the way, will your lordship give me leave to introduce my friend
+Mr. Sponge&mdash;my Lord Scamperdale.' Jawleyford suiting the action to the
+word, and man&#339;uvring the ceremony.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I made Mr. Sponge's acquaintance yesterday,' observed his lordship
+drily, giving a sort of servants' touch of his hat as he scrutinized our
+friend through his formidable glasses, adding, 'To tell you the truth,'
+addressing himself in an underone to Sponge, 'I took you for one of those
+nasty writing chaps, who I 'bominate.<a name="Page_173" id="Page_173"></a> But,' continued his lordship,
+returning to Jawleyford. 'I'll tell you what I said about the dinner. Jack,
+here, told me the flag was flying; and I said I only wished I'd known
+before, and I would certainly have proposed that Jack and I should dine
+with you, either to-day or to-morrow; but unfortunately I'd engaged myself
+to my Lord Barker's not five minutes before.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford, throwing out his hand and shrugging
+his shoulders as if in despair, 'you tantalize me&mdash;you do indeed. You
+should have come, or said nothing about it. You distress me&mdash;you do
+indeed.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'm wrong, perhaps,' replied his lordship, patting Jawleyford
+encouragingly on the shoulder; 'but, however, I'll tell you what,' said he,
+'Jack here's not engaged, and he shall come to you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Most happy to see Mr.&mdash;ha&mdash;hum&mdash;haw&mdash;Jack&mdash;that's to say, Mr. Spraggon,'
+replied Jawleyford, bowing very low, and laying his hand on his heart, as
+if quite overpowered at the idea of the honour.</p>
+
+<p>'Then, that's a bargain, Jack,' said his lordship, looking knowingly round
+at his much disconcerted friend; 'you dine and stay all night at Jawleyford
+Court to-morrow! and mind,' added he, 'make yourself 'greeable to the
+girls&mdash;ladies, that's to say.'</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't your lordship arrange it so that we might have the pleasure of
+seeing you both on some future day?' asked Jawleyford, anxious to avert the
+Jack calamity. 'Say next week,' continued he; 'or suppose you meet at the
+Court?'</p>
+
+<p>'Ha&mdash;he&mdash;hum. Meet at the Court,' mumbled his lordship&mdash;'meet at the
+Court&mdash;ha&mdash;he&mdash;ha&mdash;hum&mdash;no;&mdash;got no foxes.'</p>
+
+<p>'Plenty of foxes, I assure you, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford. 'Plenty of
+foxes!' repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>'We never find them, then, somehow,' observed his lordship, drily; 'at
+least, none but those three-legged beggars in the laurels at the back of
+the stables.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! that will be the fault of the hounds,' replied Jawleyford; 'they don't
+take sufficient time to draw&mdash;run through the covers too quickly.'</p><p><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Fault of the hounds be hanged!' exclaimed Jack, who was the champion of
+the pack generally. 'There's not a more patient, painstaking pack in the
+world than his lordship's.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah&mdash;well&mdash;ah&mdash;never mind that,' replied his lordship, 'Jaw and you can
+settle that point over your wine to-morrow; meanwhile, if your friend Mr.
+What's-his-name here, 'll get his horse,' continued his lordship,
+addressing himself to Jawleyford, but looking at Sponge, who was still on
+the piebald, 'we'll throw off.'</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, my lord,' replied Sponge; 'but I'll mount at the cover side.
+Sponge not being inclined to let the Flat Hat Hunt field see the difference
+of opinion that occasionally existed between the gallant brown and himself.</p>
+
+<p>'As you please,' rejoined his lordship, 'as you please,' jerking his head
+at Frostyface, who forthwith gave the office to the hounds; whereupon all
+was commotion. Away the cavalcade went, and in less than five minutes the
+late bustling village resumed its wonted quiet; the old man on sticks, two
+crones gossiping at a door, a rag-or-anything-else-gatherer going about
+with a donkey, and a parcel of dirty children tumbling about on the green,
+being all that remained on the scene. All the able-bodied men had followed
+the hounds. Why the hounds had ever climbed the long hill seemed a mystery,
+seeing that they returned the way they came.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford, though sore disconcerted at having 'Jack' pawned upon him,
+stuck to my lord, and rode on his right with the air of a general. He felt
+he was doing his duty as an Englishman in thus patronizing the
+hounds&mdash;encouraging a manly spirit of independence, and promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses. The post-boy trot at which hounds travel, to be
+sure, is not well adapted for dignity; but Jawleyford nourished and
+vapoured as well as he could under the circumstances, and considering they
+were going down hill. Lord Scamperdale rode along, laughing in his sleeve
+at the idea of the pleasant evening Jack and Jawleyford would have
+together, occasionally complimenting Jawleyford on the cut and condition of
+his horse, and advising him <a name="Page_175" id="Page_175"></a>to be careful of the switching raspers with
+which the country abounded, and which might be fatal to his nice
+nutmeg&mdash;coloured trousers. The rest of the 'field' followed, the fall of
+the ground enabling them to see 'how thick Jawleyford was with my lord.'
+Old Blossomnose, who, we should observe, had slipped away unperceived on
+Jawleyford's arrival, took a bird's-eye view from the rear. Naughty Blossom
+was riding the horse that ought to have gone in the 'chay' to Jawleyford
+Court.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE GREAT RUN</h3>
+
+
+<p>Our hero having inveigled the brown under lee of an out-house as the field
+moved along, was fortunate enough to achieve the saddle without disclosing
+the secrets of the stable; and as he rejoined the throng in all the pride
+of shape, action, and condition, even the top-sawyers, Fossick, Fyle,
+Bliss, and others, admitted that Hercules was not a bad-like horse; while
+the humbler-minded ones eyed Sponge with a mixture of awe and envy,
+thinking what a fine trade literature must be to stand such a horse.</p>
+
+<p>'Is your friend What's-his-name, a workman?' asked Lord Scamperdale,
+nodding towards Sponge as he trotted Hercules gently past on the turf by
+the side of the road along which they were riding.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no,' replied Jawleyford tartly. 'Oh no&mdash;gentleman, man of property&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'I did not mean was he a mechanic,' explained his lordship drily, 'but a
+workman; a good 'un across country, in fact.' His lordship working his arms
+as if he was going to set-to himself.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, a first-rate man!&mdash;first-rate man!' replied Jawleyford; 'beat them all
+at Laverick Wells.'</p>
+
+<p>'I thought so,' observed his lordship; adding to himself, 'then Jack shall
+take the conceit out of him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Jack!' halloaed he over his shoulder to his friend,<a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a> who was jogging a
+little behind; 'Jack!' repeated he, 'that Mr. Something&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Sponge</i>!' observed Jawleyford, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'That Mr. Sponge,' continued his lordship, 'is a stranger in the country:
+have the kindness to take <i>care</i> of him. You know what I mean?'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' replied Jack; 'I'll take care of him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Most polite of your lordship, I'm sure,' said Jawleyford, with a low bow,
+and laying his hand on his breast. 'I can assure you I shall never forget
+the marked attention I have received from your lordship this day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you for nothing,' grunted his lordship to himself.</p>
+
+<p>Bump, bump; trot, trot; jabber, jabber, on they went as before.</p>
+
+<p>They had now got to the cover, Tickler Gorse, and ere the last horsemen had
+reached the last angle of the long hill, Frostyface was rolling about on
+foot in the luxuriant evergreen; now wholly visible, now all but overhead,
+like a man buffeting among the waves of the sea. Save Frosty's cheery voice
+encouraging the invisible pack to 'wind him!' and 'rout him out!' an
+injunction that the shaking of the gorse showed they willingly obeyed, and
+an occasional exclamation from Jawleyford, of 'Beautiful! beautiful!&mdash;never
+saw better hounds!&mdash;can't be a finer pack!' not a sound disturbed the
+stillness of the scene. The waggoners on the road stopped their wains, the
+late noisy ploughmen leaned vacantly on their stilts, the turnip-pullers
+stood erect in air, and the shepherds' boys deserted the bleating
+flocks;&mdash;all was life and joy and liberty&mdash;'Liberty, equality, and
+foxhunt-ity!'</p>
+
+<p>'Yo&mdash;i&mdash;cks, wind him! Y&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;icks! rout him out!' went Frosty;
+occasionally varying the entertainment with a loud crack of his heavy whip,
+when he could get upon a piece of rising ground to clear the thong.</p>
+
+<p>'Tally-ho!' screamed Jawleyford, hoisting the Bumperkin Yeomanry cap in the
+air. 'Tally-ho!' repeated he, looking triumphantly round, as much as to
+say, 'What a clever boy am I!'</p>
+
+<p>'Hold your noise!' roared Jack, who was posted a <a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a>little below. 'Don't you
+see it's a hare?' added he, amidst the uproarious mirth of the company.</p>
+
+<p>'I haven't your great staring specs on, or I should have seen he hadn't a
+tail,' retorted Jawleyford, nettled at the tone in which Jack had addressed
+him.</p>
+
+<p>'Tail be&mdash;!' replied Jack, with a sneer; 'who but a tailor would call it a
+tail?'</p>
+
+<p>Just then a light low squeak of a whimper was heard in the thickest part of
+the gorse, and Frostyface cheered the hound to the echo. 'Hoick to,
+Pillager! H&mdash;o&mdash;o&mdash;ick!' screamed he, in a long-drawn note, that thrilled
+through every frame, and set the horses a-capering.</p>
+
+<p>Ere Frosty's prolonged screech was fairly finished, there was such an
+outburst of melody, and such a shaking of the gorse-bushes, as plainly
+showed there was no safety for Reynard in cover; and great was the bustle
+and commotion among the horsemen. Mr. Fossick lowered his hat-string and
+ran the fox's tooth through the buttonhole; Fyle drew his girths; Washball
+took a long swig at his hunting-horn-shaped monkey; Major Mark and Mr.
+Archer threw away their cigar ends; Mr. Bliss drew on his dogskin gloves;
+Mr. Wake rolled the thong of his whip round the stick, to be better able to
+encounter his puller; Mr. Sparks got a yokel to take up a link of his curb;
+George Smith and Joe Smith looked at their watches; Sandy McGregor, the
+factor, filled his great Scotch nose with Irish snuff, exclaiming, as he
+dismissed the balance from his fingers by a knock against his thigh, 'Oh,
+my mon, aw think this tod will gie us a ran!' while Blossomnose might be
+seen stealing gently forward, on the far side of a thick fence, for the
+double purpose of shirking Jawleyford and getting a good start.</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of these and similar preparations for the fray, up went a
+whip's cap at the low end of the cover; and a volley of 'Tallyhos' burst
+from our friends, as the fox, whisking his white-tipped brush in the air,
+was seen stealing away over the grassy hill beyond. What a commotion was
+there! How pale some looked! How happy others!</p>
+
+<p>'Sing out, Jack! for heaven's sake, sing out!'<a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a> exclaimed Lord Scamperdale;
+an enthusiastic sportsman, always as eager for a run as if he had never
+seen one. 'Sing out, Jack; or, by Jove, they'll override 'em at starting!'</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Hold hard</span>, gentlemen,' roared Jack, clapping spurs into his grey,
+or rather, into his lordship's grey, dashing in front, and drawing the
+horse across the road to stop the progression of the field. '<span class="smcap">Hold
+hard</span>, <i>one minute</i>!' repeated Jack, standing erect in his stirrups,
+and menacing them with his whip (a most formidable one). 'Whatever you do,
+<i>pray</i> let them get away! <i>Pray</i> don't spoil your own sport! Pray remember
+they're his lordship's hounds!&mdash;that they cost him five-and-twenty
+under'd&mdash;two thousand five under'd a year! And where, let me ax, with wheat
+down to nothing, would you get another, if he was to throw up?'</p>
+
+<p>As Jack made this inquiry, he took a hurried glance at the now pouring-out
+pack; and seeing they were safe away, he wiped the foam from his mouth on
+his sleeve, dropped into his saddle, and, catching his horse short round by
+the head, clapped spurs into his sides, and galloped away, exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>'Now, ye tinkers, we'll all start fair!'</p>
+
+<p>Then there was such a scrimmage! such jostling and elbowing among the
+jealous ones; such ramming and cramming among the eager ones; such
+pardon-begging among the polite ones; such spurting of ponies, such
+clambering of cart-horses. All were bent on going as far as they could&mdash;all
+except Jawleyford, who sat curvetting and prancing in the patronizing sort
+of way gentlemen do who encourage hounds for the sake of the manly spirit
+the sport engenders, and the advantage hunting is of in promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship having slipped away, horn in hand, under pretence of blowing
+the hounds out of cover, as soon as he set Jack at the field, had now got a
+good start, and, horse well in hand, was sailing away in their wake.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Frostyface, coming up alongside of him, holding
+his horse&mdash;a magnificent thoroughbred bay&mdash;well by the head, and settling
+himself into his saddle as he went.</p><p><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179"></a></p>
+
+<p>'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship, thrusting his spectacles on to his
+nose.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' went the huntsman's deep-sounding horn.</p>
+
+<p>'T'weet&mdash;t'weet&mdash;t'weet,' went his lordship's shriller one.</p>
+
+<p>'In for a stinger, my lurd,' observed Jack, returning his horn to the case.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope so,' replied his lordship, pocketing his.</p>
+
+<p>They then flew the first fence together.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Jack in the air, as he saw the hounds packing well
+together, and racing with a breast-high scent.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-r-rard!' screamed his lordship, who was a sort of echo to his
+huntsman, just as Jack Spraggon was echo to his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'He's away for Gunnersby Craigs,' observed Jack, pointing that way, for
+they were a good ten miles off.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope so,' replied his lordship, for whom the distance could never be too
+great, provided the pace corresponded.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-o-r-rard!' screamed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>So they went flying and 'forrarding' together; none of the field&mdash;thanks to
+Jack Spraggon&mdash;being able to overtake them.</p>
+
+<p>'Y-o-o-nder he goes!' at last cried Frosty, taking off his cap as he viewed
+the fox, some half-mile ahead, stealing away round the side of Newington
+Hill.</p>
+
+<p>'Tallyho!' screeched his lordship, riding with his flat hat in the air, by
+way of exciting the striving field to still further exertion.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a good 'un!' exclaimed Frosty, eyeing the fox's going.</p>
+
+<p>'He is that!' replied his lordship, staring at him with all his might.</p>
+
+<p>Then they rode on, and were presently rounding Newington Hill themselves,
+the hounds packing well together, and carrying a famous head.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship now looked to see what was going on behind.</p>
+
+<p>Scrambleford Hill was far in the rear. Jawleyford <a name="Page_180" id="Page_180"></a>and the boy in blue were
+altogether lost in the distance. A quarter of a mile or so this way were a
+couple of dots of horsemen, one on a white, the other on a dark
+colour&mdash;most likely Jones, the keeper, and Farmer Stubble, on the foaly
+mare. Then, a little nearer, was a man in a hedge, trying to coax his horse
+after him, stopping the way of two boys in white trousers, whose ponies
+looked like rats. Again, a little nearer, were some of the persevering
+ones&mdash;men who still hold on in the forlorn hopes of a check&mdash;all
+dark-coated, and mostly trousered. Then came the last of the red-coats&mdash;Tom
+Washball, Charley Joyce, and Sam Sloman, riding well in the first flight of
+second horsemen&mdash;his lordship's pad-groom, Mr. Fossick's man in drab with a
+green collar, Mr. Wake's in blue, also a lad in scarlet and a flat hat,
+with a second horse for the huntsman. Drawing still nearer came the
+ruck&mdash;men in red, men in brown, men in livery, a farmer or two in fustian,
+all mingled together; and a few hundred yards before these, and close upon
+his lordship, were the <i>&eacute;lite</i> of the field&mdash;five men in scarlet and one in
+black. Let us see who they are. By the powers, Mr. Sponge is first!&mdash;Sponge
+sailing away at his ease, followed by Jack, who is staring at him through
+his great lamps, longing to launch out at him, but as yet wanting an
+excuse; Sponge having ridden with judgement&mdash;judgement, at least, in
+everything except in having taken the lead of Jack. After Jack comes old
+black-booted Blossomnose; and Messrs. Wake, Fossick, and Fyle, complete our
+complement of five. They are all riding steadily and well; all very irate,
+however, at the stranger for going before them, and ready to back Jack in
+anything he may say or do.</p>
+
+<p>On, on they go; the hounds still pressing forward, though not carrying
+quite so good a head as before. In truth, they have run four miles in
+twenty minutes; pretty good going anywhere except upon paper, where they
+always go unnaturally fast. However, there they are, still pressing on,
+though with considerably less music than before.</p>
+
+<p>After rounding Newington Hill, they got into a wilder and worse sort of
+country, among moorish, ill-cultivated<a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a> land, with cold unwholesome-looking
+fallows. The day, too, seemed changing for the worse; a heavy black cloud
+hanging overhead. The hounds were at length brought to their noses.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship, who had been riding all eyes, ears, and fears, foresaw the
+probability of this; and pulling-to his horse, held up his hand, the usual
+signal for Jack to 'sing out' and stop the field. Sponge saw the signal,
+but, unfortunately, Hercules didn't; and tearing along with his head to the
+ground, resolutely bore our friend not only past his lordship, but right on
+to where the now stooping pack were barely feathering on the line.</p>
+
+<p>Then Jack and his lordship sang out together.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Hold hard!</i>' screeched his lordship, in a dreadful state of excitement.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Hold Hard</span>!' thundered Jack.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge <i>was</i> holding hard&mdash;hard enough to split the horse's jaws, but the
+beast would go on, notwithstanding.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, he's among 'em again!' shouted his lordship, as the
+resolute beast, with his upturned head almost pulled round to Sponge's
+knee, went star-gazing on like the blind man in Regent Street. 'Sing out,
+Jack! sing out! for heaven's sake sing out,' shrieked his lordship,
+shutting his eyes, as he added, 'or he'll kill every man jack of them.'</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Now, Sur</span>!' roared Jack, 'can't you steer that 'ere aggravatin'
+quadruped of yours?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you pestilential son of a pontry-maid!' screeched his lordship, as
+Brilliant ran yelping away from under Sponge's horse's feet. 'Sing out,
+Jack! sing out!' gasped his lordship again.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you scandalous, hypocritical, rusty-booted, numb-handed son of a
+puffing corn-cutter, why don't you turn your attention to feeding hens,
+cultivating cabbages, or making pantaloons for small folk, instead of
+killing hounds in this wholesale way?' roared Jack; an inquiry that set him
+foaming again.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you unsightly, sanctified, idolatrous, Bagnigge-Wells coppersmith, you
+think because I'm a lord, and can't swear or use coarse language, that you
+may do what you like; rot you, sir, I'll present you with a testimonial!
+<a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a>I'll settle a hundred a year upon you if you'll quit the country. By the
+powers, they're away again!' added his lordship, who, with one eye on
+Sponge and the other on the pack, had been watching Frosty lifting them
+over the bad scenting-ground, till, holding them on to a hedgerow beyond,
+they struck the scent on good sound pasture, and went away at score, every
+hound throwing his tongue, and filling the air with joyful melody. Away
+they swept like a hurricane. 'F-o-o-rard!' was again the cry.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang it, Jack,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, laying his hand on his
+<i>double's</i> shoulder, as they galloped alongside of each other, 'Hang it,
+Jack, see if you can't sarve out this unrighteous, mahogany-booted,
+rattle-snake. <i>Do</i> if you die for it!&mdash;I'll bury your remainders
+genteelly&mdash;patent coffin with brass nails, all to yourself&mdash;put Frosty and
+all the fellows in black, and raise a white marble monument to your memory,
+declaring you were the most spotless virtuous man under the sun.'</p>
+
+<p>'Let me off dining with Jaw, and I'll do my best,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Done!' screamed his lordship, flourishing his right arm in the air, as he
+flew over a great stone wall.</p>
+
+<p>A good many of the horses and sportsmen too had had enough before the
+hounds checked; and the quick way Frosty lifted them and hit off the scent,
+did not give them much time to recruit. Many of them now sat hat in hand,
+mopping, and puffing, and turning their red perspiring faces to the wind.
+'Poough,' gasped one, as if he was going to be sick; 'Puff,' went another;
+'Oh! but it's 'ot!' exclaimed a third, pulling off his limp neckcloth;
+'Wonder if there's any ale hereabouts,' cried a fourth; 'Terrible run!'
+observed a fifth; 'Ten miles at least,' gasped another. Meanwhile the
+hounds went streaming on; and it is wonderful how soon those who don't
+follow are left hopelessly in the rear.</p>
+
+<p>Of the few that did follow, Mr. Sponge, however, was one. Nothing daunted
+by the compliments that had been paid him, he got Hercules well in hand;
+and the horse dropping again on the bit, resumed his place in front, going
+as strong and steadily as ever. Thus he<a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a> went, throwing the mud in the
+faces of those behind, regardless of the oaths and imprecations that
+followed; Sponge knowing full well they would do the same by him if they
+could.</p>
+
+<p>'All jealousy,' said Sponge, spurring his horse. 'Never saw such a jealous
+set of dogs in my life.'</p>
+
+<p>An accommodating lane soon presented itself, along which they all pounded,
+with the hounds running parallel through the enclosures on the left; Sponge
+sending such volleys of pebbles and mud in his rear as made it advisable to
+keep a good way behind him. The line was now apparently for Firlingham
+Woods; but on nearing the thatched cottage on Gasper Heath, the fox, most
+likely being headed, had turned short to the right; and the chase now lay
+over Sheeplow Water meadows, and so on to Bolsover brick-fields, when the
+pack again changed from hunting to racing, and the pace for a time was
+severe. His lordship having got his second horse at the turn, was ready for
+the tussle, and plied away vigorously, riding, as usual, with all his
+heart, with all his mind, with all his soul, and with all his strength;
+while Jack, still on the grey, came plodding diligently along in the rear,
+saving his horse as much as he could. His lordship charged a stiff flight
+of rails in the brick-fields; while Jack, thinking to save his, rode at a
+weak place in the fence, a little higher up, and in an instant was soused
+overhead in a clay-hole.</p>
+
+<p>'Duck under, Jack! duck under!' screamed his lordship, as Jack's head rose
+to the surface. 'Duck under! you'll have it full directly!' added he,
+eyeing Sponge and the rest coming up.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, however, saw the splash, and turning a little lower down, landed
+safe on sound ground; while poor Blossomnose, who was next, went
+floundering overhead also. But the pace was too good to stop to fish them
+out.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash it,' said Sponge, looking at them splashing about, 'but that was a
+near go for me!'</p>
+
+<p>Jack being thus disposed of, Sponge, with increased confidence, rose in his
+stirrups, easing the redoubtable Hercules; and patting him on the shoulder,
+at the same time that he gave him the gentlest possible touch of the<a name="Page_184" id="Page_184"></a> spur,
+exclaimed, 'By the powers, we'll show these old Flat Hats the trick!' He
+then commenced humming:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Mister Sponge, the raspers taking,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sets the junkers' nerves a shaking;<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and riding cheerfully on, he at length found himself on the confines of a
+wild rough-looking moor, with an undulating range of hills in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>Frostyface and Lord Scamperdale here for the first time diverged from the
+line the hounds were running, and made for the neck of a smooth, flat,
+rather inviting-looking piece of ground, instead of crossing it, Sponge,
+thinking to get a niche, rode to it; and the 'deeper and deeper still' sort
+of flounder his horse made soon let him know that he was in a bog. The
+impetuous Hercules rushed and reared onwards as if to clear the wide
+expanse; and alighting still lower, shot Sponge right overhead in the
+middle.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image184.jpg" width="300" height="263" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'<i>That's</i> cooked <i>your</i> goose!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing Sponge and
+his horse floundering about in the black porridge-like mess.</p><p><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Catch my horse!' hallooed Sponge to the first whip, who came galloping up
+as Hercules was breasting his way out again.</p>
+
+<p>'Catch him yourself,' grunted the man, galloping on.</p>
+
+<p>A peat-cutter, more humane, received the horse as he emerged from the black
+sea, exclaiming, as the now-piebald Sponge came lobbing after on foot, 'A,
+sir! but ye should niver set tee to ride through sic a place as that!'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, having generously rewarded the man with a fourpenny piece, for
+catching his horse and scraping the thick of the mud off him, again
+mounted, and cantered round the point he should at first have gone; but his
+chance was out&mdash;the farther he went, the farther he was left behind; till
+at last, pulling up, he stood watching the diminishing pack, rolling like
+marbles over the top of Rotherjade Hill, followed by his lordship hugging
+his horse round the neck as he went, and the huntsman and whips leading and
+driving theirs up before them.</p>
+
+<p>'Nasty jealous old beggar!' said Sponge, eyeing his lessening lordship
+disappearing over the hill too. Sponge then performed the sickening
+ceremony of turning away from hounds running; not but that he might have
+plodded on on the line, and perhaps seen or heard what became of the fox,
+but Sponge didn't hunt on those terms. Like a good many other gentlemen, he
+would be first, or nowhere.</p>
+
+<p>If it was any consolation to him, he had plenty of companions in
+misfortune. The line was dotted with horsemen back to the brick-fields. The
+first person he overtook wending his way home in the discontented, moody
+humour of a thrown-out man, was Mr. Puffington master of the Hanby hounds;
+at whose appearance at the meet we expressed our surprise.</p>
+
+<p>Neighbouring masters of hounds are often more or less jealous of each
+other. No man in the master-of-hound world is too insignificant for
+censure. Lord Scamperdale <i>was</i> an undoubted sportsman; while poor Mr.
+Puffington thought of nothing but how to be thought one. Hearing the
+mistaken rumour that a great writer was down, he thought that his chance of
+immortality <a name="Page_186" id="Page_186"></a>was arrived; and, ordering his best horse, and putting on his
+best apparel, had braved the jibes and sneers of Jack and his lordship for
+the purpose of scraping acquaintance with the stranger. In that he had been
+foiled: there was no time at the meet to get introduced, neither could he
+get jostled beside Sponge in going down to the cover; while the quick find,
+the quick get away, followed by the quick thing we have described, were
+equally unfavourable to the undertaking. Nevertheless, Mr. Puffington had
+held on beyond the brick-fields; and had he but persevered a little
+farther, he would have had the satisfaction of helping Mr. Sponge out of
+the bog.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge now, seeing a red coat a little before, trotted on, and quickly
+overtook a fine nippy, satin-stocked, dandified looking gentleman, with
+marvellously smart leathers and boots&mdash;a great contrast to the large,
+roomy, bargemanlike costume of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt.</p>
+
+<p>'You're not hurt, I hope?' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, with well-feigned
+anxiety, as he looked at Mr. Sponge's black-daubed clothes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no!' replied Sponge. 'Oh no!&mdash;fell soft&mdash;fell soft. More dirt, less
+hurt&mdash;more dirt, less hurt.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, you've been in a bog!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, eyeing the
+much-stained Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>'Almost over head,' replied Sponge. 'Scamperdale saw me going, and hadn't
+the grace to halloa.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's like him,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'that's like him: there's
+nothing pleases him so much as getting fellows into grief.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not very polite to a stranger,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No, it isn't,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'no, it isn't; far from it
+indeed&mdash;far from it; but, low be it spoken,' added he, 'his lordship is
+only a roughish sort of customer.'</p>
+
+<p>'So he is,' replied Mr. Sponge, who thought it fine to abuse a nobleman.</p>
+
+<p>'The fact is,' said Mr. Puffington, 'these Flat Hat chaps are all snobs.
+They think there are no such fine fellows as themselves under the sun; and
+if ever a stranger looks near them, they make a point of being as rude and
+disagreeable to him as they possibly can. This is what they call keeping
+the hunt select.' <a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a>
+
+</p>
+<p>
+
+'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, recollecting how they had
+complimented him, adding, 'they seem a queer set.'</p>
+
+<p>'There's a fellow they call "Jack,"' observed Mr. Puffington, 'who acts as
+a sort of bulldog to his lordship, and worries whoever his lordship sets
+him upon. He got into a clay-hole a little farther back, and a precious
+splashing he was making, along with the chaplain, old Blossomnose.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I saw him,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'You should come and see <i>my</i> hounds,' observed Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'What are they?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The Hanby,' replied Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! then you are Mr. Puffington,' observed Sponge, who had a sort of
+general acquaintance with all the hounds and masters&mdash;indeed, with all the
+meets of all the hounds in the kingdom&mdash;which he read in the weekly lists
+in <i>Bell's Life</i>, just as he read <i>Mogg's Cab Fares</i>. 'Then you are Mr.
+Puffington?' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The same,' replied the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll have a look at you,' observed Sponge, adding, 'do you take in
+horses?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yours, of course,' replied Mr. Puffington, bowing; adding something about
+great public characters, which Sponge didn't understand.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll be down upon you, as the extinguisher said to the rushlight,'
+observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Do,' said Mr. Puffington; 'come before the frost. Where are you staying
+now?'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm at Jawleyford's,' replied our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!&mdash;Jawleyford's, are you?' repeated Mr. Puffington. 'Good fellow,
+Jawleyford&mdash;gentleman, Jawleyford. How long do you stay?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I haven't made up my mind,' replied Sponge. 'Have no thoughts of
+budging at present.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well&mdash;good quarters,' said Mr. Puffington, who now smelt a rat; 'good
+quarters&mdash;nice girls&mdash;fine fortune&mdash;fine place, Jawleyford Court. Well,
+book me for the next visit,' added he. <a name="Page_188" id="Page_188"></a>'I will,' said Sponge, 'and no
+mistake. What do they call your shop?'</p>
+
+<p>'Hanby House,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'Hanby House&mdash;anybody can tell you
+where Hanby House is.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll not forget,' said Mr. Sponge, booking it in his mind, and eyeing his
+victim.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll show you a fine pack of hounds,' said Mr. Puffington; 'far finer
+animals than those of old Scamperdale's&mdash;steady, true hunting hounds, that
+won't go a yard without a scent&mdash;none of your jealous, flashy, frantic
+devils, that will tear over half a township without one, and are always
+looking out for "halloas" and assistance&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington was interrupted in the comparison he was about to draw
+between his lordship's hounds and his, by arriving at the Bolsover
+brick-fields, and seeing Jack and Blossomnose, horse in hand, running to
+and fro, while sundry countrymen blobbed about in the clay-hole they had so
+recently occupied. Tom Washball, Mr. Wake, Mr. Fyle, Mr. Fossick, and
+several dark-coated horsemen and boys were congregated around. Jack had
+lost his spectacles, and Blossomnose his whip, and the countrymen were
+diving for them.</p>
+
+<p>'Not hurt, I hope?' said Mr. Puffington, in the most dandified tone of
+indifference, as he rode up to where Jack and Blossomnose were churning the
+water in their boots, stamping up and down, trying to get themselves warm.</p>
+
+<p>'Hurt be hanged!' replied Jack, who had a frightful squint, that turned his
+eyes inside out when he was in a passion: 'hurt be hanged!' said he; 'might
+have been drownded, for anything you'd have cared.'</p>
+
+<p>'I should have been sorry for that,' replied Mr. Puffington, adding, 'the
+Flat Hat Hunt could ill afford to lose so useful and ornamental a member.'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know what the Flat Hat Hunt can afford to lose,' spluttered Jack,
+who hadn't got all the clay out of his mouth; 'but I know they can afford
+to do without the company of certain gentlemen who shall be nameless,' said
+he, looking at Sponge and Puffington as he thought, but in reality showing
+nothing but the whites of his eyes. <a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a>'I told you so,' said Puffington,
+jerking his head towards Jack, as Sponge and he turned their horses' heads
+to ride away; 'I told you so,' repeated he; 'that's a specimen of their
+style'; adding, 'they are the greatest set of ruffians under the sun.'</p>
+
+<p>The new acquaintances then jogged on together as far as the cross-roads at
+Stewley, when Puffington, having bound Sponge in his own recognizance to
+come to him when he left Jawleyford Court, pointed him out his way, and
+with a most hearty shake of the hands the new-made friends parted.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV</h2>
+
+<h3>LORD SCAMPERDALE AT HOME</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image189.jpg" width="200" height="191" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>e fear our fair friends will expect something gay from the above
+heading&mdash;lamps and flambeaux outside, fiddlers, feathers, and flirters in.
+Nothing of the sort, fair ladies&mdash;nothing of the sort. Lord Scamperdale 'at
+home' simply means that his lordship was not out hunting, that he had got
+his dirty boots and breeches off, and dry tweeds and tartans on.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Scamperdale was the eighth earl; and, according to the usual
+alternating course of great English families&mdash;one generation living and the
+next starving&mdash;it was his lordship's turn to live; but the seventh earl
+having been rather unreasonable in the length of his lease, the present
+earl, who during the lifetime of his father was Lord Hardup, had contracted
+such parsimonious habits, that when he came into possession he could not
+shake them off; and but for the fortunate friendship of<a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a> Abraham Brown, the
+village blacksmith, who had given his young idea a sporting turn, entering
+him with ferrets and rabbits, and so training him on with terriers and
+rat-catching, badger-baiting and otter-hunting, up to the noble sport of
+fox-hunting itself, in all probability his lordship would have been a
+regular miser. As it was, he did not spend a halfpenny upon anything but
+hunting; and his hunting, though well, was still economically done, costing
+him some couple of thousand a year, to which, for the sake of euphony, Jack
+used to add an extra five hundred; 'two thousand five under'd a year,
+five-and-twenty under'd a year,' sounding better, as Jack thought, and more
+imposing, than a couple of thousand, or two thousand, a year. There were
+few days on which Jack didn't inform the field what the hounds cost his
+lordship, or rather what they didn't cost him.</p>
+
+<p>Woodmansterne, his lordship's principal residence, was a fine place. It
+stood in an undulating park of 800 acres, with its church, and its lakes,
+and its heronry, and its decoy, and its racecourse, and its varied grasses
+of the choicest kinds, for feeding the numerous herds of deer, so well
+known at Temple Bar and Charing Cross as the Woodmansterne venison. The
+house was a modern edifice, built by the sixth earl, who, having been a
+'liver,' had run himself aground by his enormous outlay on this Italian
+structure, which was just finished when he died. The fourth earl, who, we
+should have stated, was a 'liver' too, was a man of <i>vert&ugrave;</i>&mdash;a great
+traveller and collector of coins, pictures, statues, marbles, and
+curiosities generally&mdash;things that are very dear to buy, but oftentimes
+extremely cheap when sold; and, having collected a vast quantity from all
+parts of the world (no easy feat in those days), he made them heirlooms,
+and departed this life, leaving the next earl the pleasure of contemplating
+them. The fifth earl having duly starved through life, then made way for
+the sixth; who, finding such a quantity of valuables stowed away, as he
+thought, in rather a confined way, sent to London for a first-rate
+architect. Sir Thomas Squareall (who always posted with four horses), who
+forthwith pulled down the old <a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a>brick-and-stone Elizabethan mansion, and
+built the present splendid Italian structure, of the finest polished stone,
+at an expense of&mdash;furniture and all&mdash;say 120,000<i>l.</i>; Sir Thomas's
+estimates being 30,000<i>l.</i> The seventh earl of course they starved; and the
+present lord, at the age of forty-three, found himself in possession of
+house, and coins, and curiosities; and, best of all, of some 90,000<i>l.</i> in
+the funds, which had quietly rolled up during the latter part of his
+venerable parent's existence. His lordship then took counsel with
+himself&mdash;first, whether he should marry or remain single; secondly, whether
+he should live or starve. Having considered the subject with all the
+attention a limited allowance of brains permitted, he came to the
+resolution that the second proposition depended a good deal upon the first;
+'for,' said he to himself, 'if I marry, my lady, perhaps, may <i>make</i> me
+live; and therefore,' said he, 'perhaps I'd better remain single.' At all
+events, he came to the determination not to marry in a hurry; and until he
+did, he felt there was no occasion for him to inconvenience himself by
+living. So he had the house put away in brown holland, the carpets rolled
+up, the pictures covered, the statues shrouded in muslin, the cabinets of
+curiosities locked, the plate secured, the china closeted, and everything
+arranged with the greatest care against the time, which he put before him
+in the distance like a target, when he should marry and begin to live.</p>
+
+<p>At first he gave two or three great dinners a year, about the height of the
+fruit season, and when it was getting too ripe for carriage to London by
+the old coaches&mdash;when a grand airing of the state-rooms used to take place,
+and ladies from all parts of the county used to sit shivering with their
+bare shoulders, all anxious for the honours of the head of the table. His
+lordship always held out that he was a marrying man; but even if he hadn't
+they would have come all the same, an unmarried man being always clearly on
+the cards; and though he was stumpy, and clumsy, and ugly, with as little
+to say for himself as could well be conceived, they all agreed that he was
+a most engaging, attractive man&mdash;quite a pattern of a man. Even on
+horseback, and<a name="Page_192" id="Page_192"></a> in his hunting clothes, in which he looked far the best, he
+was only a coarse, square, bull-headed looking man, with hard, dry, round,
+matter-of-fact features, that never looked young, and yet somehow never get
+old. Indeed, barring the change from brown to grey of his short stubbly
+whiskers, which he trained with great care into a curve almost on to his
+cheek-bone, he looked very little older at the period of which we are
+writing than he did a dozen years before, when he was Lord Hardup. These
+dozen years, however, had brought him down in his doings.</p>
+
+<p>The dinners had gradually dwindled away altogether, and he had had all the
+large tablecloths and napkins rough dried and locked away against he got
+married; an event that he seemed more anxious to provide for the more
+unlikely it became. He had also abdicated the main body of the mansion, and
+taken up his quarters in what used to be the steward's room; into which he
+could creep quietly by a side door opening from the outer entrance, and so
+save frequent exposure to the cold and damp of the large cathedral-like
+hall beyond. Through the steward's room was what used to be the muniment
+room, which he converted into a bedroom for himself; and a little farther
+along the passage was another small chamber, made out of what used to be
+the plate-room, whereof Jack, or whoever was in office, had the possession.
+All three rooms were furnished in the roughest, coarsest, homeliest
+way&mdash;his lordship wishing to keep all the good furniture against he got
+married. The sitting-room, or parlour as his lordship called it, had an old
+grey drugget for a carpet, an old round black mahogany table on castors,
+that the last steward had ejected as too bad for him, four semi-circular
+wooden-bottomed walnut smoking-chairs; an old spindle-shanked sideboard,
+with very little middle, over which swung a few bookshelves, with the
+termination of their green strings surmounted by a couple of foxes'
+brushes. Small as the shelves were, they were larger than his lordship
+wanted&mdash;two books, one for Jack and one for himself, being all they
+contained; while the other shelves were filled with hunting-horns, odd
+spurs, knots<a name="Page_193" id="Page_193"></a> of whipcord, piles of halfpence, lucifer-match boxes,
+gun-charges, and such-like miscellaneous articles.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship's fare was as rough as his furniture. He was a great admirer
+of tripe, cow-heel, and delicacies of that kind; he had tripe twice a
+week&mdash;boiled one day, fried another. He was also a great patron of
+beefsteaks, which he ate half-raw, with slices of cold onion served in a
+saucer with water.</p>
+
+<p>It was a beefsteak-and-batter-pudding day on which the foregoing run took
+place; and his lordship and Jack having satisfied nature off their
+respective dishes&mdash;for they only had vegetables in common&mdash;and having
+finished off with some very strong Cheshire cheese, wheeled their chairs to
+the fire, while Bags the butler cleared the table and placed it between
+them. They were dressed in full suits of flaming large-check red-and-yellow
+tartans, the tartan of that noble clan the 'Stunners,' with black-and-white
+Shetland hose and red slippers. His lordship and Jack had related their
+mutual adventures by cross visits to each other's bedrooms while dressing:
+and, dinner being announced by the time they were ready, they had fallen
+to, and applied themselves diligently to the victuals, and now very
+considerately unbuttoned their many-pocketed waistcoats and stuck out their
+legs, to give it a fair chance of digesting. They seldom spoke much until
+his lordship had had his nap, which he generally took immediately after
+dinner; but on this particular night he sat bending forward in his chair,
+picking his teeth and looking at his toes, evidently ill at ease in his
+mind. Jack guessed the cause, but didn't say anything. Sponge, he thought,
+had beat him.</p>
+
+<p>At length his lordship threw himself back in his chair, and stretching his
+little queer legs out before him, began to breathe thicker and thicker,
+till at last he got the melody up to a grunt. It was not the fine generous
+snore of a sleep that he usually enjoyed, but short, fitful, broken naps,
+that generally terminated in spasmodic jerks of the arms or legs. These
+grew worse, till at last all four went at once, like the limbs of a Peter
+Waggey, when, throwing himself forward with a <a name="Page_194" id="Page_194"></a>violent effort, he awoke;
+and finding his horse was not a-top of him, as he thought, he gave vent to
+his feelings in the following ejaculations:</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Jack, I'm onhappy!' exclaimed he. 'I'm distressed!' continued he. 'I'm
+wretched!' added he, slapping his knees. 'I'm perfectly <i>miserable</i>!' he
+concluded, with a strong emphasis on the 'miserable.'</p>
+
+<p>'What's the matter?' asked Jack, who was half-asleep himself.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 232px;">
+<img src="images/image194.jpg" width="232" height="300" alt="HIS LORDSHIP AND JACK" title="" />
+<span class="caption">HIS LORDSHIP AND JACK</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Oh, that Mister Something!&mdash;he'll be the death of me!' observed his
+lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'I thought so,' replied Jack; 'what's the chap been after now?'</p>
+
+<p>'I dreamt he'd killed old Lablache&mdash;best hound I have,' replied his
+lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'He be &mdash;&mdash;,' grunted Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, it's all very well for you to say "he be this" and "he be that," but I
+can tell you what, that fellow is<a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a> going to be a very awkward customer&mdash;a
+terrible thorn in my side.'</p>
+
+<p>'Humph!' grunted Jack, who didn't see how.</p>
+
+<p>'There's mischief about that fellow,' continued his lordship, pouring
+himself out half a tumbler of gin, and filling it up with water. 'There's
+mischief about the fellow. I don't like his looks&mdash;I don't like his coat&mdash;I
+don't like his boots&mdash;I don't like anything about him. I'd rather see the
+back of him than the front. He must be got rid of,' added his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I did my best to-day, I'm sure,' replied Jack. 'I was deuced near
+wanting the patent coffin you were so good as to promise me.'</p>
+
+<p>'You did your work well,' replied his lordship; 'you did your work well;
+and you shall have my other specs till I can get you a new pair from town;
+and if you'll serve me again, I'll remember you in my will&mdash;I'll leave you
+something handsome.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm your man,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'I never was so bothered with a fellow in my life,' observed his lordship.
+'Captain Topsawyer was bad enough, and always pressed far too close on the
+hounds, but he would pull up at a check; but this rusty-booted 'bomination
+seems to think the hounds are kept for him to ride over. He must be got rid
+of somehow,' repeated his lordship; 'for we shall have no peace while he's
+here.'</p>
+
+<p>'If he's after either of the Jawley girls, he'll be bad to shake off,'
+observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'That's just the point,' replied his lordship, quaffing off his gin with
+the air of a man most thoroughly thirsty; 'that's just the point,' repeated
+he, setting down his tumbler. 'I think if he is, I could cook his goose for
+him.'</p>
+
+<p>'How so?' asked Jack, drinking off his glass.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I'll tell you,' replied his lordship, replenishing his tumbler, and
+passing the old gilt-labelled blue bottle over to Jack; 'you see, Frosty's
+a cunning old file, picks up all the news and gossip of the country when
+he's out at exercise with the hounds, or in going to cover&mdash;knows
+everything!&mdash;who licks his wife, and whose wife licks him&mdash;who's after such
+a girl, and so<a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a> on&mdash;and he's found out somehow that this Mr.
+What's-his-name isn't the man of metal he's passing for.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' exclaimed Jack, raising his eyebrows, and squinting his eyes
+inside out; Jack's opinion of a man being entirely regulated by his purse.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a fact,' said his lordship, with a knowing shake of his head. 'As we
+were toddling home with the hounds, I said to Frosty, "I hope that Mr.
+Something's comfortable in his bath"&mdash;meaning Gobblecow Bog, which he rode
+into. "Why," said Frosty, "it's no great odds what comes of such rubbage as
+that." Now, Frosty, you know, in a general way, is a most polite,
+fair-spoken man, specially before Christmas, when he begins to look for the
+tips; and as we are not much troubled with strangers, thanks to your
+sensible way of handling them, I thought Frosty would have made the most of
+this natural son of Dives, and been as polite to him as possible. However,
+he was evidently no favourite of Frosty's. So I just asked&mdash;not that one
+likes to be familiar with servants, you know, but still this brown-booted
+beggar is enough to excite one's curiosity and make any one go out of one's
+way a little&mdash;so I just asked Frosty what he knew about him. "All over the
+left," said Frosty, jerking his thumb back over his shoulder, and looking
+as knowing as a goose with one eye; "all over the left," repeated he.
+"What's over the left?" said I. "Why, this Mr. Sponge," said he. "How so?"
+asked I. "Why," said Frosty, "he's come gammonin' down here that he's a
+great man&mdash;full of money, and horses, and so on; but it's all my eye, he's
+no more a great man than I am."'</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce!' exclaimed Jack, who had sat squinting and listening intently
+as his lordship proceeded. 'Well, now, hang me, I thought he was a snob the
+moment I saw him,' continued he; Jack being one of those clever gentlemen
+who know everything after they are told.</p>
+
+<p>'"Well, how do you know, Jack?" said I to Frosty. "Oh, I knows," replied
+he, as if he was certain about it. However, I wasn't satisfied without
+knowing too; and, as we kept jogging on, we came to the old Coach and
+Horses, and I said to Jack, "We may as well have a <a name="Page_197" id="Page_197"></a>drop of something to
+warm us." So we halted, and had glasses of brandy apiece, whips and all;
+and then, as we jogged on again, I just said to Jack casually, "Did you say
+it was Mr. Blossomnose told you about old Brown Boots?"
+"No&mdash;Blossomnose&mdash;no," replied he, as if Blossom never had anything half so
+good to tell; "it was a young woman," said he, in an undertone, "who told
+me, and she had it from old Brown Boots's groom."'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that's good,' observed Jack, diving his hands into the very bottom
+of his great tartan trouser pockets, and shooting his legs out before him;
+'well, that's good,' repeated he, falling into a sort of reverie.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but what can we make of it?' at length inquired he, after a long
+pause, during which he ran the facts through his mind, and thought they
+could not be much ruder to Sponge than they had been. 'What can we make of
+it?' said he. 'The fellow can ride, and we can't prevent him hunting; and
+his having nothing only makes him less careful of his neck.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, that was just what I thought,' replied Lord Scamperdale, taking
+another tumbler of gin; 'that was just what I thought&mdash;the fellow can ride,
+and we can't prevent him; and just as I settled that in my sleep, I thought
+I saw him come staring along, with his great brown horse's head in the air,
+and crash right a-top of old Lablache. But I see my way clearer with him
+now. But help yourself,' continued his lordship, passing the gin-bottle
+over to Jack, feeling that what he had to say required a little
+recommendation. 'I think I can turn Frosty's information to some account.'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't see how,' observed Jack, replenishing his glass.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I</i> do, though,' replied his lordship, adding, 'but I must have your
+assistance.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, anything in moderation,' replied Jack, who had had to turn his hand
+to some very queer jobs occasionally.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll tell you what <i>I</i> think,' observed his lordship. 'I think there are
+two ways of getting rid of this haughty Philistine&mdash;this unclean
+spirit&mdash;this 'bomination of a man. I think, in the first place, if old
+Chatterbox knew<a name="Page_198" id="Page_198"></a> that he had nothing, he would very soon bow him out of
+Jawleyford Court; and in the second, that we might get rid of him by buying
+his horses.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Jack, 'I don't know but you're right. Chatterbox would soon
+wash his hands of him, as he has done of many promising young gentlemen
+before, if he has nothing; but people differ so in their ideas of what
+nothing consists of.'</p>
+
+<p>Jack spoke feelingly, for he was a gentleman who was generally spoken of as
+having nothing a year, paid quarterly; and yet he was in the enjoyment of
+an annuity of sixty pounds.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, why, when I say he has nothing,' replied Lord Scamperdale, 'I mean
+that he has not what Jawleyford, who is a bumptious sort of an ass, would
+consider sufficient to make him a fit match for one of his daughters. He
+may have a few hundreds a year, but Jaw, I'm sure, will look at nothing
+under thousands.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, certainly not,' said Jack, 'there's no doubt about that.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, you see, I was thinking,' observed Lord Scamperdale, eyeing
+Jack's countenance, 'that if you would dine there to-morrow, as we fixed&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, dash it! I couldn't do that,' interrupted Jack, drawing himself
+together in his chair like a horse refusing a leap; 'I couldn't do that&mdash;I
+couldn't dine with Jaw, not at no price.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' asked Lord Scamperdale; 'he'll give you a good
+dinner&mdash;fricassees, and all sorts of good things; far finer fare than you
+have here.'</p>
+
+<p>'That may all be,' replied Jack, 'but I don't want none of his food. I hate
+the sight of the fellow, and detest him fresh every time I see him.
+Consider, too, you said you'd let me off if I sarved out Sponge; and I'm
+sure I did my best. I led him over some awful places, and then what a
+ducking I got! My ears are full of water still,' added he, laying his head
+on one side to try to run it out.</p>
+
+<p>'You did well,' observed Lord Scamperdale&mdash;'you did well, and I fully
+intended to let you off, but then I <a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a>didn't know what a beggar I had to
+deal with. Come, say you'll go, that's a good fellow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't,' replied Jack, squinting frightfully.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll <i>oblige</i> me,' observed Lord Scamperdale.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well, I'd do anything to oblige your lordship,' replied Jack, thinking
+of the corner in the will. 'I'd do anything to oblige your lordship: but
+the fact is, sir, I'm not prepared to go. I've lost my specs&mdash;I've got no
+swell clothes&mdash;I can't go in the Stunner tartan,' added he, eyeing his
+backgammon-board-looking chest, and diving his hands into the capacious
+pockets of his shooting-jacket.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image199.jpg" width="300" height="218" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'I'll manage all that,' replied his lordship; 'I've got a pair of splendid
+silver-mounted spectacles in the Indian cabinet in the drawing-room, that
+I've kept to be married in. I'll lend them to you, and there's no saying
+but you may captivate Miss Jawleyford in them. Then as to clothes, there's
+my new damson-coloured velvet waistcoat with the steel buttons, and my fine
+blue coat with the velvet collar, silk facings, and our button on it;
+altogether I'll rig you out and make you such a swell as there's no saying
+but Miss Jawleyford'll offer to you, by way of consoling herself for the
+loss of Sponge.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm afraid you'll have to make a settlement for me, then,' observed our
+friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, you are a good fellow. Jack,' said his lordship, 'and I'd as soon
+make one on you as on any one.'</p>
+
+<p>'I s'pose you'll send me on wheels?' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'In course,' replied his lordship. 'Dog-cart&mdash;name behind&mdash;Right Honourable
+the Earl of Scamperdale&mdash;lad <a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a>with cockade&mdash;everything genteel'; adding,
+'by Jove, they'll take you for me!'</p>
+
+<p>Having settled all these matters, and arranged how the information was to
+be communicated to Jawleyford, the friends at length took their block-tin
+candlesticks, with their cauliflower-headed candles, and retired to bed.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXV" id="CHAPTER_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 161px;">
+<img src="images/image200.jpg" width="161" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>hen Mr. Sponge returned, all dirtied and stained, from the chase, he found
+his host sitting in an arm-chair over the study fire, dressing-gowned and
+slippered, with a pocket-handkerchief tied about his head, shamming
+illness, preparatory to putting off Mr. Spraggon. To be sure, he played
+rather a better knife and fork at dinner than is usual with persons with
+that peculiar ailment; but Mr. Sponge, being very hungry, and well attended
+to by the fair&mdash;moreover, not suspecting any ulterior design&mdash;just ate and
+jabbered away as usual, with the exception of omitting his sick papa-in-law
+in the round of his observations. So the dinner passed over.</p>
+
+<p>'Bring me a tumbler and some hot water and sugar,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+pressing his head against his hand, as Spigot, having placed some bottle
+ends on the table, and reduced the glare of light, was preparing to retire.
+'Bring me some hot water and sugar,' said he; 'and tell Harry he will have
+to go over to Lord Scamperdale's, with a note, the first thing in the
+morning.'</p>
+
+<p>The young ladies looked at each other, and then at <a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a>mamma, who, seeing what
+was wanted, looked at papa, and asked, 'if he was going to ask Lord
+Scamperdale over?' Amelia, among her many 'presentiments,' had long enjoyed
+one that she was destined to be Lady Scamperdale.</p>
+
+<p>'No&mdash;<i>over</i>&mdash;no,' snapped Jawleyford; 'what should put that in your head?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I thought as Mr. Sponge was here, you might think it a good time to
+ask him.'</p>
+
+<p>'His lordship knows he can come when he likes,' replied Jawleyford, adding,
+'it's to put that Mr. John Spraggon off, who thinks he may do the same.'</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both the young ladies. 'Mr. Spraggon!&mdash;what
+should set him here?'</p>
+
+<p>'What, indeed?' asked Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Poor man! I dare say there's no harm in him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford,
+who was always ready for anybody.</p>
+
+<p>'No good either,' replied Jawleyford&mdash;'at all events, we'll be just as well
+without him. You know him, don't you?' added he, turning to Sponge&mdash;'great
+coarse man in spectacles.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes, I know him,' replied Sponge; 'a great ruffian he is, too,' added
+he.</p>
+
+<p>'One ought to be in robust health to encounter such a man,' observed
+Jawleyford, 'and have time to get a man or two of the same sort to meet
+him. <i>We</i> can do nothing with such a man. I can't understand how his
+lordship puts up with such a fellow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Finds him useful, I suppose,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Spigot presently appeared with a massive silver salver, bearing tumblers,
+sugar, lemon, nutmeg, and other implements of negus.</p>
+
+<p>'Will you join me in a little wine-and-water?' asked Jawleyford, pointing
+to the apparatus and bottle ends, 'or will you have a fresh bottle?&mdash;plenty
+in the cellar,' added he, with a flourish of his hand, though he kept
+looking steadfastly at the negus-tray.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;why&mdash;I'm afraid&mdash;I doubt&mdash;I think I should hardly be able to do
+justice to a bottle single-handed,' replied Sponge. <a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a>'Then have negus,'
+said Jawleyford; 'you'll find it very refreshing; medical men recommend it
+after violent exercise in preference to wine. But pray have wine if you
+prefer it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah&mdash;well, I'll finish off with a little negus, perhaps,' replied Sponge,
+adding, 'meanwhile the ladies, I dare say, would like a little wine.'</p>
+
+<p>'The ladies drink white wine&mdash;sherry,' rejoined Jawleyford, determined to
+make a last effort to save his port. 'However, you can have a bottle of
+port to yourself, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very well,' said Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'One condition I must attach,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'which is, that you
+<i>finish</i> the bottle. Don't let us have any waste, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll do my best,' said Sponge, determined to have it; whereupon Mr.
+Jawleyford growled the word 'Port' to the butler, who had been witnessing
+his master's efforts to direct attention to the negus. Thwarted in his
+endeavour, Jawleyford's headache became worse, and the ladies, seeing how
+things were going, beat a precipitate retreat, leaving our hero to his
+fate.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll leave a note on my writing-table when I go to bed,' observed
+Jawleyford to Spigot, as the latter was retiring after depositing the
+bottle; 'and tell Harry to start with it early in the morning, so as to get
+to Woodmansterne about breakfast&mdash;nine o'clock, or so, at latest,' added
+he.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' replied Spigot, withdrawing with an air.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge then wanted to narrate the adventures of the day; but, independently
+of Jawleyford's natural indifference for hunting, he was too much out of
+humour at being done out of his wine to lend a willing ear; and after
+sundry 'hums,' 'indeeds,' 'sos,' &amp;c., Sponge thought he might as well think
+the run over to himself as trouble to put it into words, whereupon a long
+silence ensued, interrupted only by the tinkling of Jawleyford's spoon
+against his glass, and the bumps of the decanter as Sponge helped himself
+to his wine.</p>
+
+<p>At length Jawleyford, having had as much negus as he wanted, excused
+himself from further attendence, <a name="Page_203" id="Page_203"></a>under the plea of increasing illness, and
+retired to his study to concoct his letter to Jack.</p>
+
+<p>At first he was puzzled how to address him. If he had been Jack Spraggon,
+living in old Mother Nipcheese's lodgings at Starfield, as he was when Lord
+Scamperdale took him by the hand, he would have addressed him as 'Dear
+Sir,' or perhaps in the third person, 'Mr. Jawleyford presents his
+compliments to Mr. Spraggon,' &amp;c.; but, as my lord's right-hand man, Jack
+carried a certain weight, and commanded a certain influence, that he would
+never have acquired of himself.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford spoilt three sheets of cream-laid satin-wove note-paper (crested
+and ciphered) before he pleased himself with a beginning. First he had it
+'Dear Sir,' which he thought looked too stiff; then he had it 'My dear
+Sir,' which he thought looked too loving; next he had it 'Dear Spraggon,'
+which he considered as too familiar; and then he tried 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,'
+which he thought would do. Thus he wrote:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>'DEAR MR. SPRAGGON,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'I am sorry to be obliged to put you off; but since I came in from
+hunting I have been attacked with influenza, which will
+incapacitate me from the enjoyment of society at least for two or
+three days. I therefore think the kindest thing I can do is to
+write to put you off; and, in the hopes of seeing both you and my
+lord at no distant day.</p>
+
+<p>'I remain, dear sir, yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p>'CHARLES JAMES JAWLEYFORD,</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Jawleyford Court.</i></p>
+
+<p>'TO JOHN SPRAGGON, ESQ.,</p>
+
+<p>&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.'</p></div>
+
+<p>This he sealed with the great seal of Jawleyford Court&mdash;a coat of arms
+containing innumerable quarterings and heraldic devices. Having then
+refreshed his memory by looking through a bundle of bills, and selected the
+most threatening of the lawyers' letters to answer the next day, he
+proceeded to keep up the delusion of sickness, by retiring to sleep in his
+dressing-room. <a name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a>Our readers will now have the kindness to accompany us to
+Lord Scamperdale's: time, the morning after the foregoing. 'Love me, love
+my dog,' being a favourite saying of his lordship's, he fed himself, his
+friends, and his hounds, on the same meal. Jack and he were busy with two
+great basins full of porridge, which his lordship diluted with milk, while
+Jack stirred his up with hot dripping, when the put-off note arrived. His
+lordship was still in a complete suit of the great backgammon-board-looking
+red-and-yellow Stunner tartan: but as Jack was going from home, he had got
+himself into a pair of his lordship's yellow-ochre leathers and new
+top-boots, while he wore the Stunner jacket and waistcoat to save his
+lordship's Sunday green cutaway with metal buttons, and canary-coloured
+waistcoat. His lordship did not eat his porridge with his usual appetite,
+for he had had a disturbed night, Sponge having appeared to him in his
+dreams in all sorts of forms and predicaments; now jumping a-top of
+him&mdash;now upsetting Jack&mdash;now riding over Frostyface&mdash;now crashing among his
+hounds; and he awoke, fully determined to get rid of him by fair means or
+foul. Buying his horses did not seem so good a speculation as blowing his
+credit at Jawleyford Court, for, independently of disliking to part with
+his cash, his lordship remembered that there were other horses to get, and
+he should only be giving Sponge the means of purchasing them. The more,
+however, he thought of the Jawleyford project, the more satisfied he was
+that it would do; and Jack and he were in a sort of rehearsal, wherein his
+lordship personated Jawleyford, and was showing Jack (who was only a clumsy
+diplomatist) how to draw up to the subject of Sponge's pecuniary
+deficiencies, when the dirty old butler came with Jawleyford's note.</p>
+
+<p>'What's here?' exclaimed his lordship, fearing from its smartness, that it
+was from a lady. 'What's here?' repeated he, as he inspected the direction.
+'Oh, it's for <i>you</i>!' exclaimed he, chucking it over to Jack, considerably
+relieved by the discovery.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Me!</i>' replied Jack. 'Who can be writing to me?' said he, squinting his
+eyes inside out at the seal. He <a name="Page_205" id="Page_205"></a>opened it: 'Jawleyford Court,' read he.
+'Who the deuce can be writing to me from Jawleyford Court when I'm going
+there?'</p>
+
+<p>'A put-off, for a guinea!' exclaimed his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope so,' muttered Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope <i>not</i>,' replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'It is!' exclaimed Jack, reading, 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,' and so on.</p>
+
+<p>'The humbug!' muttered Lord Scamperdale, adding, 'I'll be bound he's got no
+more influenza than I have.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' observed Jack, sweeping a red cotton handkerchief, with which he
+had been protecting his leathers, off into his pocket, 'there's an end of
+that.'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't go so quick,' replied his lordship, ladling in the porridge.</p>
+
+<p>'Quick!' retorted Jack; 'why, what can you do?'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Do!</i> why, <i>go</i> to be sure,' replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'How can I go,' asked Jack, 'when the sinner's written to put me off?'</p>
+
+<p>'Nicely,' replied his lordship, 'nicely. I'll just send word back by the
+servant that you had started before the note arrived, but that you shall
+have it as soon as you return; and you just cast up there as if nothing had
+happened.' So saying, his lordship took hold of the whipcord-pull and gave
+the bell a peal.</p>
+
+<p>'There's no beating you,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>Bags now made his appearance again.</p>
+
+<p>'Is the servant here that brought this note?' asked his lordship, holding
+it up.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, <i>me</i> lord,' replied Bags.</p>
+
+<p>'Then tell him to tell his master, with my compliments, that Mr. Spraggon
+had set off for Jawleyford Court before it came, but that he shall have it
+as soon as he returns&mdash;you understand?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, <i>me</i> lord,' replied Bags, looking at Jack supping up the fat
+porridge, and wondering how the lie would go down with Harry, who was then
+discussing his master's merits and a horn of small beer with the lad who
+was going to drive Jack.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford Court was twenty miles from Woodmansterne as the crow flies, and
+any distance anybody liked <a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a>to call it by the road. The road, indeed, would
+seem to have been set out with a view of getting as many hills and as
+little level ground over which a traveller could make play as possible; and
+where it did not lead over the tops of the highest hills, it wound round
+their bases, in such little, vexatious, up-and-down, wavy dips as
+completely to do away with all chance of expedition. The route was not
+along one continuous trust, but here over a bit of turnpike and there over
+a bit of turnpike, with ever and anon long interregnums of township roads,
+repaired in the usual primitive style with mud and soft field-stones, that
+turned up like flitches of bacon. A man would travel from London to Exeter
+by rail in as short a time, and with far greater ease, than he would drive
+from Lord Scamperdale's to Jawleyford Court. His lordship being aware of
+this fact, and thinking, moreover, it was no use trashing a good horse over
+such roads, had desired Frostyface to put an old spavined grey mare, that
+he had bought for the kennel, into the dog-cart, and out of which, his
+lordship thought, if he could get a day's work or two, she would come all
+the cheaper to the boiler.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a good-shaped beast,' observed his lordship, as she now came
+hitching round to the door; 'I really think she would make a cover hack.'</p>
+
+<p>'Sooner you ride her than me,' replied Jack, seeing his lordship was coming
+the dealer over him&mdash;praising the shape when he could say nothing for the
+action.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but she'll take you to Jawleyford Court as quick as the best of
+them,' rejoined his lordship, adding, 'the roads are wretched, and Jaw's
+stables are a disgrace to humanity&mdash;might as well put a horse in a cellar.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' observed Jack, retiring from the parlour window to his little den
+along the passage, to put the finishing touch to his toilet&mdash;the green
+cutaway and buff waistcoat, which he further set off with a black satin
+stock&mdash;'Well,' said he, 'needs must when a certain gentleman drives.'</p>
+
+<p>He presently reappeared full fig, rubbing a fine new eight-and-sixpenny
+flat-brimmed hat round and round with a substantial puce-coloured bandana.
+<a name="Page_207" id="Page_207"></a>'Now for the specs!' exclaimed he, with the gaiety of a man in his
+Sunday's best, bound on a holiday trip. 'Now for the silver specs!'
+repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, true,' replied his lordship; 'I'd forgot the specs.' (He hadn't, only
+he thought his silver-mounted ones would be safer in his keeping than in
+Jack's.) 'I'd forgot the specs. However, never mind, you shall have these,'
+said he, taking his tortoise-shell-rimmed ones off his nose and handing
+them to Jack.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 261px;">
+<img src="images/image207.jpg" width="261" height="300" alt="MR. SPRAGGON&#39;S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPRAGGON&#39;S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'You promised me the silver ones,' observed our friend Jack, who wanted to
+be smart.</p>
+
+<p>'Did I?' replied his lordship; 'I declare I'd forgot. <a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a>Ah yes, I believe I
+did,' added he, with an air of sudden enlightenment&mdash;'the pair upstairs;
+but how the deuce to get at them I don't know, for the key of the Indian
+cabinet is locked in the old oak press in the still-room, and the key of
+the still-room is locked away in the linen-press in the green lumber-room
+at the top of the house, and the key of the green lumber-room is in a
+drawer at the bottom of the wardrobe in the Star-Chamber, and the&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well; never mind,' grunted Jack, interrupting the labyrinth of lies.
+'I dare say these will do&mdash;I dare say these will do,' putting them on;
+adding, 'Now, if you'll lend me a shawl for my neck, and a mackintosh, my
+name shall be <i>Walker</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'Better make it <i>Trotter</i>,' replied his lordship, 'considering the distance
+you have to go.'</p>
+
+<p>'Good,' said Jack, mounting and driving away.</p>
+
+<p>'It will be a blessing if we get there,' observed Jack to the liveried
+stable-lad, as the old bag of bones of a mare went hitching and limping
+away.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, she can go when she's warm,' replied the lad, taking her across the
+ears with the point of the whip. The wheels followed merrily over the
+sound, hard road through the park, and the gentle though almost
+imperceptible fall of the ground giving an impetus to the vehicle, they
+bowled away as if they had four of the soundest, freshest legs in the world
+before them, instead of nothing but a belly-band between them and eternity.</p>
+
+<p>When, however, they cleared the noble lodge and got upon the unscraped mud
+of the Deepdebt turnpike, the pace soon slackened, and, instead of the gig
+running away with the old mare, she was fairly brought to her collar. Being
+a game one, however, she struggled on with a trot, till at length, turning
+up the deeply spurlinged, clayey bottomed cross-road between Rookgate and
+Clamley, it was all she could do to drag the gig through the holding mire.
+Bump, bump, jolt, jolt, creak, creak, went the vehicle. Jack now diving his
+elbow into the lad's ribs, the lad now diving his into Jack's; both now
+threatening to go over on the same side, and again both nearly chucked on
+to the old mare's <a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a>quarters. A sharp, cutting sleet, driving pins and
+needles directly in their faces, further disconcerted our travellers. Jack
+felt acutely for his new eight-and-sixpenny hat, it being the only article
+of dress he had on of his own.</p>
+
+<p>Long and tedious as was the road, weak and jaded as was the mare, and long
+as Jack stopped at Starfield, he yet reached Jawleyford Court before the
+messenger Harry.</p>
+
+<p>As our friend Jawleyford was stamping about his study anathematizing a
+letter he had received from the solicitor to the directors of the Doembrown
+and Sinkall Railway, informing him that they were going to indulge in the
+winding-up act, he chanced to look out of his window just as the contracted
+limits of a winter's day were drawing the first folds of night's muslin
+curtain over the landscape, when he espied a gig drawn by a white horse,
+with a dot-and-go-one sort of action, hopping its way up the slumpey
+avenue.</p>
+
+<p>'That's Buggins the bailiff,' exclaimed he to himself, as the recollection
+of an unanswered lawyer's letter flashed across his mind; and he was just
+darting off to the bell to warn Spigot not to admit any one, when the lad's
+cockade, standing in relief against the sky-line, caused him to pause and
+gaze again at the unwonted apparition.</p>
+
+<p>'Who the deuce can it be?' asked he of himself, looking at his watch, and
+seeing it was a quarter-past four. 'It surely can't be my lord, or that
+Jack Spraggon coming after all?' added he, drawing out a telescope and
+opening a lancet-window.</p>
+
+<p>'Spraggon, as I live!' exclaimed he, as he caught Jack's harsh, spectacled
+features, and saw him titivating his hair and arranging his collar and
+stock as he approached.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that beats everything!' exclaimed Jawleyford, burning with rage as
+he fastened the window again.</p>
+
+<p>He stood for a few seconds transfixed to the spot, not knowing what on
+earth to do. At last resolution came to his aid, and, rushing upstairs to
+his dressing-room, <a name="Page_210" id="Page_210"></a>he quickly divested himself of his coat and waistcoat,
+and slipped on a dressing-gown and night-cap. He then stood, door in hand,
+listening for the arrival. He could just hear the gig grinding under the
+portico, and distinguish Jack's gruff voice saying to the servant from the
+top of the steps, 'We'll start <i>directly</i> after breakfast, mind.' A
+tremendous peal of the bell immediately followed, convulsing the whole
+house, for nobody had seen the vehicle approaching, and the establishment
+had fallen into the usual state of undress torpor that intervenes between
+calling hours and dinner-time.</p>
+
+<p>The bell not being answered as quickly as Jack expected, he just opened the
+door himself; and when Spigot arrived, with such a force as he could raise
+at the moment, Jack was in the act of 'peeling' himself, as he called it.</p>
+
+<p>'What time do we dine?' asked he, with the air of a man with the entr&eacute;e.</p>
+
+<p>'Seven o'clock, my lord&mdash;that's to say, sir&mdash;that's to say, my lord,' for
+Spigot really didn't know whether it was Jack or his master.</p>
+
+<p>'Seven o'clock!' muttered Jack. 'What the deuce is the use of dinin' at
+such an hour as that in winter?'</p>
+
+<p>Jack and my lord always dined as soon as they got home from hunting. Jack,
+having got himself out of his wraps, and run his bristles backwards with a
+pocket-comb, was ready for presentation.</p>
+
+<p>'What name shall I <i>e</i>nounce?' asked Mr. Spigot, fearful of committing
+himself before the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Mister Spraggon</span>, to be sure,' exclaimed Jack, thinking, because
+he knew who he was, that everybody else ought to know too.</p>
+
+<p>Spigot then led the way to the music-room.</p>
+
+<p>The peal at the bell had caused a suppressed commotion in the apartment.
+Buried in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned low chair, Mr. Sponge
+sat, <i>Mogg</i> in hand, with a toe cocked up, now dipping leisurely into his
+work&mdash;now whispering something sweet into Amelia's ear, who sat with her
+crochet-work at his side; while Emily played the piano, and Mrs. Jawleyford
+kept in the background, in the discreet way mothers do when <a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a>there is a
+little business going on. The room was in that happy state of misty light
+that usually precedes the entrance of candles&mdash;a light that no one likes to
+call darkness, lest their eyes might be supposed to be failing. It is a
+convenient light, however, for a timid stranger, especially where there are
+not many footstools set to trip him up&mdash;an exemption, we grieve to say, not
+accorded to every one.</p>
+
+<p>Though Mr. Spraggon was such a cool, impudent fellow with men, he was the
+most awkward, frightened wretch among ladies that ever was seen. His
+conversation consisted principally of coughing. 'Hem!'&mdash;cough&mdash;'yes,
+mum,'&mdash;hem&mdash;cough, cough&mdash;'the day,'&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;'mum,
+is'&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;'very,'&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;'mum, cold.' But we will introduce
+him to our family circle.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Mr. Spraggon!</span>' exclaimed Spigot in a tone equal to the one in
+which Jack had announced himself in the entrance; and forthwith there was
+such a stir in the twilit apartment&mdash;such suppressed exclamations of:</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Spraggon!&mdash;Mr. Spraggon! What can bring him here?'</p>
+
+<p>Our traveller's creaking boots and radiant leathers eclipsing the sombre
+habiliments of Mr. Spigot, Mrs. Jawleyford quickly rose from her Pembroke
+writing-desk, and proceeded to greet him.</p>
+
+<p>'My daughters I think you know, Mr. Spraggon; also Mr. Sponge? Mr.
+Spraggon,' continued she, with a wave of her hand to where our hero was
+ensconced in his form, in case they should not have made each other's
+speaking acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p>The young ladies rose, and curtsied prettily; while Mr. Sponge gave a sort
+of backward hitch of his head as he sat in his chair, as much as to say, 'I
+know as much of Mr. Spraggon as I want.'</p>
+
+<p>'Tell your master Mr. Spraggon is here,' added Mrs. Jawleyford to Spigot,
+as that worthy was leaving the room. 'It's a cold day, Mr. Spraggon; won't
+you come near the fire?' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, addressing our friend,
+who had come to a full stop just under the chandelier in the centre of the
+room. <a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a>'Hem&mdash;cough&mdash;hem&mdash;thank ye, mum,' muttered Jack. 'I'm
+not&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;cold, thank ye, mum.' His face and hands were purple
+notwithstanding.</p>
+
+<p>'How is my Lord Scamperdale?' asked Amelia, who had a strong inclination to
+keep in with all parties.</p>
+
+<p>'Hem&mdash;cough&mdash;hem&mdash;my lord&mdash;that's to say, my lady&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;I mean to
+say, my lord's pretty well, thank ye,' stuttered Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Is he coming?' asked Amelia.</p>
+
+<p>'Hem&mdash;cough&mdash;hem&mdash;my lord's&mdash;hem&mdash;not well&mdash;cough&mdash;no&mdash;hem&mdash;I mean to
+say&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;my lord's gone&mdash;hem&mdash;to dine&mdash;cough&mdash;hem&mdash;with
+his&mdash;cough&mdash;friend Lord Bubbley Jock&mdash;hem&mdash;cough&mdash;I mean Barker&mdash;cough.'</p>
+
+<p>Jack and Lord Scamperdale were so in the habit of calling his lordship by
+this nickname, that Jack let it slip, or rather cough out, inadvertently.</p>
+
+<p>In due time Spigot returned, with 'Master's compliments, and he was very
+sorry, but he was so unwell that he was quite unable to see any one.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, dear!' exclaimed Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Poor pa!' lisped Amelia.</p>
+
+<p>'What a pity!' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I must go and see him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, hurrying off.</p>
+
+<p>'Hem&mdash;cough&mdash;hem&mdash;hope he's not much&mdash;hem&mdash;damaged?' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>The old lady being thus got rid of, and Jawleyford disposed of&mdash;apparently
+for the night&mdash;Mr. Spraggon felt more comfortable, and presently yielded to
+Amelia's entreaties to come near the fire and thaw himself. Spigot brought
+candles, and Mr. Sponge sat moodily in his chair, alternately studying
+<i>Mogg's Cab Fares</i>&mdash;'Old Bailey, Newgate Street, to or from the Adelphi,
+the Terrace, 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>; Admiralty, 2<i>s.</i>'; and so on; and hazarding
+promiscuous sidelong sort of observations, that might be taken up by Jack
+or not, as he liked. He seemed determined to pay Mr. Jack off for his
+out-of-door impudence. Amelia, on the other hand, seemed desirous of making
+up for her suitor's rudeness, and kept talking to Jack with an assiduity
+that perfectly <a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a>astonished her sister, who had always heard her speak of
+him with the utmost abhorrence.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jawleyford found her husband in a desperate state of excitement, his
+influenza being greatly aggravated by Harry having returned very drunk,
+with the mare's knees desperately broken 'by a fall,' as Harry hiccuped
+out, or by his 'throwing her down,' as Jawleyford declared. Horses <i>fall</i>
+with their masters, servants <i>throw</i> them down. What a happiness it is when
+people can send their servants on errands by coaches or railways, instead
+of being kept on the fidget all day, lest a fifty-pound horse should be the
+price of a bodkin or a basket of fish!</p>
+
+<p>Amelia's condescension quite turned Jack's head; and when he went upstairs
+to dress, he squinted at his lordship's best clothes, all neatly laid out
+for him on the bed, with inward satisfaction at having brought them.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash me!' said he, 'I really think that girl has a fancy for me.' Then he
+examined himself minutely in the glass, brushed his whiskers up into a
+curve on his cheeks, the curves almost corresponding with the curve of his
+spectacles above; then he gave his bristly, porcupine-shaped head a
+backward rub with a sort of thing like a scrubbing-brush. 'If I'd only had
+the silver specs,' thought he, 'I should have done.'</p>
+
+<p>He then began to dress; an operation that, ever and anon was interrupted by
+the outburst of volleys of smoke from the little spluttering, smouldering
+fire in the little shabby room Jawleyford insisted on having him put into.</p>
+
+<p>Jack tried all things&mdash;opening the window and shutting the door, shutting
+the window and opening the door; but finding that, instead of curing it, he
+only produced the different degrees of comparison&mdash;bad, worse, worst&mdash;he at
+length shut both, and applied himself vigorously to dressing. He soon got
+into his stockings and pumps, also his black Saxony trousers; then came a
+fine black laced fringe cravat, and the damson-coloured velvet waistcoat
+with the cut-steel buttons.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash me, but I look pretty well in this!' said he, eyeing first one side
+and then the other as he buttoned <a name="Page_214" id="Page_214"></a>it. He then stuck a chased and figured
+fine gold brooch, with two pendant tassel-drops, set with turquoise and
+agates, that he had abstracted from his lordship's dressing-case, into his,
+or rather his lordship's finely worked shirt-front, and crowned the toilet
+with his lordship's best new blue coat with velvet collar, silk facings,
+and the Flat Hat Hunt button&mdash;'a striding fox,' with the letters 'F.H.H.'
+below.</p>
+
+<p>'Who shall say Mr. Spraggon's not a gentleman?' said he, as he perfumed one
+of his lordship's fine coronetted cambric handkerchiefs with
+lavender-water. Scent, in Jack's opinion, was one of the criterions of a
+gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>Somehow Jack felt quite differently towards the house of Jawleyford; and
+though he did not expect much pleasure in Mr. Sponge's company, he thought,
+nevertheless, that the ladies and he&mdash;Amelia and he at least&mdash;would get on
+very well. Forgetting that he had come to eject Sponge on the score of
+insufficiency, he really began to think he might be a very desirable match
+for one of them himself.</p>
+
+<p>'The Spraggons are a most respectable family,' said he, eyeing himself in
+the glass. 'If not very handsome, at all events, very genteel,' added he,
+speaking of himself in particular. So saying, he adorned himself with his
+spectacles and set off to explore his way downstairs. After divers mistakes
+he at length found himself in the drawing-room, where the rest of the party
+being assembled, they presently proceeded to dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Jack's amended costume did not produce any difference in Mr. Sponge's
+behaviour, who treated him with the utmost indifference. In truth, Sponge
+had rather a large balance against Jack for his impudence to him in the
+field. Nevertheless, the fair Amelia continued her attentions, and talked
+of hunting, occasionally diverging into observations on Lord Scamperdale's
+fine riding and manly character and appearance, in the roundabout way
+ladies send their messages and compliments to their friends.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner was flat. Jawleyford had stopped the champagne tap, though the
+needle-case glasses stood to <a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a>tantalize the party till about the time that
+the beverage ought to have been flowing, when Spigot took them off. The
+flatness then became flatter. Nevertheless, Jack worked away in his usual
+carnivorous style, and finished by paying his respects to all the sweets,
+jellies, and things in succession. He never got any of these, he said, at
+'home,' meaning at Lord Scamperdale's&mdash;Amelia thought, if she was 'my
+lady,' he would not get any meat there either.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 221px;">
+<img src="images/image215.jpg" width="221" height="300" alt="ENTER MR. JACK SPRAGGON, FULL DRESS" title="" />
+<span class="caption">ENTER MR. JACK SPRAGGON, FULL DRESS</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>At length Jack finished; and having discussed cheese, porter, and red
+herrings, the cloth was drawn, and a hard-featured dessert, consisting
+principally of apples, followed. The wine having made a couple of
+melancholy circuits, the strained conversation about came to a full stop,
+and Spigot having considerately placed the little round table, as if to
+keep the peace between them, the ladies left the male worthies to discuss
+their port and sherry together. Jack, according to Woodmansterne fashion,
+unbuttoned his waistcoat, and stuck his legs out before him&mdash;an example
+that Mr. Sponge quickly followed, and each assumed an attitude that as good
+as said 'I don't care twopence for you.' A dead silence then prevailed,
+interrupted only by the snap, snap, snapping of Jack's toothpick against
+his chair-edge, when he was not busy exploring his mouth with it. It seemed
+to be a match which should keep silence longest. Jack sat<a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a> squinting his
+eyes inside out at Sponge, while Sponge pretended to be occupied with the
+fire. The wine being with Sponge, and at length wanting some, he was
+constrained to make the first move, by passing it over to Jack, who helped
+himself to port and sherry simultaneously&mdash;a glass of sherry after dinner
+(in Jack's opinion) denoting a gentleman. Having smacked his lips over
+that, he presently turned to the glass of port. He checked his hand in
+passing it to his mouth, and bore the glass up to his nose.</p>
+
+<p>'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed he, setting the glass down on the table with a
+thump of disgust.</p>
+
+<p>It is curious what unexpected turns things sometimes take in the world, and
+how completely whole trains of well-preconcerted plans are often turned
+aside by mere accidents such as this. If it hadn't been for the corked
+bottle of port, there is no saying but these two worthies would have held a
+Quakers' meeting without the 'spirit' moving either of them.</p>
+
+<p>'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'It is!' rejoined Sponge, smelling at his half-emptied glass.</p>
+
+<p>'Better have another bottle,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly,' replied Sponge, ringing the bell. 'Spigot, this wine's
+corked,' observed Sponge, as old Pomposo entered the room.</p>
+
+<p>'Is it?' said Spigot, with the most perfect innocence, though he knew it
+came out of the corked batch. 'I'll bring another bottle,' added he,
+carrying it off as if he had a whole pipe at command, though in reality he
+had but another out. This fortunately was less corked than the first; and
+Jack having given an approving smack of his great thick lips, Mr. Sponge
+took it on his judgement, and gave a nod to Spigot, who forthwith took his
+departure.</p>
+
+<p>'Old trick that,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head, as Spigot shut
+the door.</p>
+
+<p>'Is it?' observed Mr. Sponge, taking up the observation, though in reality
+it was addressed to the fire.</p>
+
+<p>'Noted for it,' replied Jack, squinting at the sideboard, though he was
+staring intently at Sponge to see how he took it.</p><p><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well, I thought we had a bottle with a queer smatch the other night,'
+observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Old Blossomnose corked half a dozen in succession one night,' replied
+Jack.</p>
+
+<p>(He had corked three, but Jawleyford re-corked them, and Spigot was now
+reproducing them to our friends.)</p>
+
+<p>Although they had now got the ice broken, and entered into something like a
+conversation, it nevertheless went on very slowly, and they seemed to weigh
+each word before it was uttered. Jack, too, had time to run his peculiar
+situation through his mind, and ponder on his mission from Lord
+Scamperdale&mdash;on his lordship's detestation of Mr. Sponge, his anxiety to
+get rid of him, his promised corner in his will, and his lordship's hint
+about buying Sponge's horses if he could not get rid of him in any other
+way.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge, on his part, was thinking if there was any possibility of turning
+Jack to account.</p>
+
+<p>It may seem strange to the uninitiated that there should be prospect of
+gain to a middle-man in the matter of a horse-deal, save in the legitimate
+trade of auctioneers and commission stable-keepers; but we are sorry to say
+we have known men calling themselves gentlemen, who have not thought it
+derogatory to accept a 'trifle' for their good offices in the cause. 'I can
+buy cheaper than you,' they say, 'and we may as well divide the trifle
+between us.'</p>
+
+<p>That was Mr. Spraggon's principle, only that the word 'trifle' inadequately
+conveys his opinion on the point; Jack's notion being that a man was
+entitled to 5<i>l.</i> per cent. as of right, and as much more as he could get.</p>
+
+<p>It was not often that Jack got a 'bite' at my lord, which, perhaps, made
+him think it the more incumbent on him not to miss an opportunity. Having
+been told, of course he knew exactly the style of man he had to deal with
+in Mr. Sponge&mdash;a style of men of whom there is never any difficulty in
+asking if they will sell their horses, price being the only consideration.
+They are, indeed, a sort of unlicensed horse-dealers, from whose presence
+few hunts are wholly free. Mr. Spraggon thought if he could <a name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a>get Sponge to
+make it worth his while to get my lord to buy his horses, the&mdash;whatever he
+might get&mdash;would come in very comfortably to pay his Christmas bills.</p>
+
+<p>By the time the bottle drew to a close, our friends were rather better
+friends, and seemed more inclined to fraternize. Jack had the advantage of
+Sponge, for he could stare, or rather squint, at him without Sponge knowing
+it. The pint of wine apiece&mdash;at least, as near a pint apiece as Spigot
+could afford to let them have&mdash;somewhat strung Jack's nerves as well as his
+eyes, and he began to show more of the pupils and less of the whites than
+he did. He buzzed the bottle with such a hearty good will as settled the
+fate of another, which Sponge rang for as a matter of course. There was but
+the rejected one, which, however, Spigot put into a different decanter, and
+brought in with such an air as precluded either of them saying a word in
+disparagement of it.</p>
+
+<p>'Where are the hounds next week?' asked Sponge, sipping away at it.</p>
+
+<p>'Monday, Larkhall Hill; Tuesday, the cross-roads by Dallington Burn;
+Thursday, the Toll-bar at Whitburrow Green; Saturday, the kennels,' replied
+Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Good places?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Monday's good,' replied Jack; 'draw Thorney Gorse&mdash;sure find; second draw,
+Barnlow Woods, and home by Loxley, Padmore, and so on.'</p>
+
+<p>'What sort of a place is Tuesday?'</p>
+
+<p>'Tuesday?' repeated Jack. 'Tuesday! Oh, that's the cross-roads. Capital
+place, unless the fox takes to Rumborrow Craigs, or gets into Seedywood
+Forest, when there's an end of it&mdash;at least, an end of everything except
+pulling one's horse's legs off in the stiff clayey rides. It's a long way
+from here, though,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'How far?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Good twenty miles,' replied Jack. 'It's sixteen from us; it'll be a good
+deal more from here.'</p>
+
+<p>'His lordship will lay out overnight, then?' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Not he,' replied Jack. 'Takes better care of his sixpences than that. Up
+in the dark, breakfast by candlelight, grope our ways to the stable, and
+blunder<a name="Page_219" id="Page_219"></a> along the deep lanes, and through all the by-roads in the
+country&mdash;get there somehow or another.'</p>
+
+<p>'Keen hand!' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Mad!' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>They then paid their mutual respects to the port.</p>
+
+<p>'He hunts there on Tuesdays,' observed Jack, setting down his glass, 'so
+that he may have all Wednesday to get home in, and be sure of appearing on
+Thursday. There's no saying where he may finish with a cross-roads' meet.'</p>
+
+<p>By the time the worthies had finished the bottle, they had got a certain
+way into each other's confidence. The hint Lord Scamperdale had given about
+buying Sponge's horses still occupied Jack's mind; and the more he
+considered the subject, and the worth of a corner in his lordship's will,
+the more sensible he became of the truth of the old adage, that 'a bird in
+the hand is worth two in the bush.' 'My lord,' thought Jack, 'promises
+fair, but it is <i>but</i> a chance, and a remote one. He may live many
+years&mdash;as long, perhaps longer, than me. Indeed, he puts me on horses that
+are anything but calculated to promote longevity. Then he may marry a wife
+who may eject me, as some wives do eject their husbands' agreeable friends;
+or he may change his mind, and leave me nothing after all.'</p>
+
+<p>All things considered, Jack came to the conclusion that he should not be
+doing himself justice if he did not take advantage of such fair
+opportunities as chance placed in his way, and therefore he thought he
+might as well be picking up a penny during his lordship's life, as be
+waiting for a contingency that might never occur. Mr. Jawleyford's
+indisposition preventing Jack making the announcement he was sent to do,
+made it incumbent on him, as he argued, to see what could be done with the
+alternative his lordship had proposed&mdash;namely, buying Sponge's horses. At
+least, Jack salved his conscience over with the old plea of duty; and had
+come to that conclusion as he again helped himself to the last glass in the
+bottle.</p>
+
+<p>'Would you like a little claret?' asked Sponge, with all the hospitality of
+a host.</p>
+
+<p>'No, hang your claret!' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'A little brandy, perhaps?' suggested Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I shouldn't mind a glass of brandy,' replied Jack, 'by way of a nightcap.'</p>
+
+<p>Spigot, at this moment entering to announce tea and coffee, was interrupted
+in his oration by Sponge demanding some brandy.</p>
+
+<p>'Sorry,' replied Spigot, pretending to be quite taken by surprise, 'very
+sorry, sir&mdash;but, sir&mdash;master, sir&mdash;bed, sir&mdash;disturb him, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, dash it, never mind that!' exclaimed Jack; 'tell him Mr.
+Sprag&mdash;Sprag&mdash;Spraggon' (the bottle of port beginning to make Jack rather
+inarticulate)&mdash;'tell him Mr. Spraggon wants a little.'</p>
+
+<p>'Dursn't disturb him, sir,' responded Spigot, with a shake of his head;
+'much as my place, sir, is worth, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Haven't you a little drop in your pantry, think you?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The <i>cook</i> perhaps has,' replied Mr. Spigot, as if it was quite out of his
+line.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, go and ask her,' said Sponge; 'and bring some hot water and things,
+the same as we had last night, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spigot retired, and presently returned, bearing a tray with
+three-quarters of a bottle of brandy, which he impressed upon their minds
+was the 'cook's <i>own</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say,' hiccuped Jack, holding the bottle up to the light.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope she wasn't using it herself,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Tell her we'll (hiccup) her health,' hiccuped Jack, pouring a liberal
+potation into his tumbler.</p>
+
+<p>'That'll be all you'll <i>do</i>, I dare say,' muttered Spigot to himself, as he
+sauntered back to his pantry.</p>
+
+<p>'Does Jaw stand smoking?' asked Jack, as Spigot disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I should think so,' replied Sponge; 'a friend like you, I'm sure,
+would be welcome'&mdash;Sponge thinking to indulge in a cigar, and lay the blame
+on Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, if you think so,' said Jack, pulling out his cigar-case, or rather
+his lordship's, and staggering to the chimney-piece for a match, though
+there was a candle at his elbow, 'I'll have a pipe.'</p>
+
+<p>'So'll I,' said Sponge, 'if you'll give me a cigar.' <a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a>'Much yours as mine,'
+replied Jack, handing him his lordship's richly embroidered case with
+coronets and ciphers on either side, the gift of one of the many would-be
+Lady Scamperdales.</p>
+
+<p>'Want a light!' hiccuped Jack, who had now got a glow-worm end to his.</p>
+
+<p>'Thanks,' said Sponge, availing himself of the friendly overture.</p>
+
+<p>Our friends now whiffed and puffed away together&mdash;whiffing and puffing
+where whiffing and puffing had never been known before. The brandy began to
+disappear pretty quickly; it was better than the wine.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a n&mdash;n&mdash;nice&mdash;ish horse of yours,' stammered Jack, as he mixed
+himself a second tumbler.</p>
+
+<p>'Which?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The bur&mdash;bur&mdash;brown,' spluttered Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'He is <i>that</i>,' replied Sponge; 'best horse in this country by far.'</p>
+
+<p>'The che&mdash;che&mdash;chest&mdash;nut's not a ba&mdash;ba&mdash;bad un. I dare say,' observed
+Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'No, he's not,' replied Sponge; 'a deuced good un.'</p>
+
+<p>'I know a man who's rayther s&mdash;s&mdash;s&mdash;sweet on the b&mdash;b&mdash;br&mdash;brown,'
+observed Jack, squinting frightfully.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge sat silent for a few seconds, pretending to be wrapt up in his
+'sublime tobacco.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is he a buyer, or just a jawer?' he asked at last.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, a <i>buyer</i>,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll <i>sell</i>,' said Sponge, with a strong emphasis on the sell.</p>
+
+<p>'How much?' asked Jack, sobering with the excitement.</p>
+
+<p>'Which?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The brown,' rejoined Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Three hundred,' said Sponge; adding, 'I gave two for him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' said Jack.</p>
+
+<p>A long pause then ensued. Jack thinking whether he should put the question
+boldly as to what Sponge would give him for effecting a sale, or should
+beat about the bush a little. At last he thought it would be most prudent
+to beat about the bush, and see if Sponge would make an offer.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Jack, 'I'll s&mdash;s&mdash;s&mdash;see what I can do.'</p><p><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222"></a></p>
+
+<p>'That's a good fellow,' said Sponge; adding, 'I'll remember you if you do.'</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say I can s&mdash;s&mdash;s&mdash;sell them both, for that matter,' observed Jack,
+encouraged by the promise.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Sponge, 'I'll take the same for the chestnut; there isn't
+the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice between them.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Jack,' we'll s&mdash;s&mdash;s&mdash;see them next week.'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' said Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'You r&mdash;r&mdash;ride well up to the h&mdash;h&mdash;hounds,' continued Jack; 'and let his
+lordship s&mdash;s&mdash;see w&mdash;w&mdash;what they can do.'</p>
+
+<p>'I will,' said Sponge, wishing he was at work.</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind his rowing,' observed Jack; 'he c&mdash;c&mdash;can't help it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' replied Sponge, puffing away at his cigar.</p>
+
+<p>When men once begin to drink brandy-and-water (after wine) there's an end
+of all note of time. Our friends&mdash;for we 'may now call them so,' sat sip,
+sip, sipping&mdash;mix, mix, mixing; now strengthening, now weakening, now
+warming, now flavouring, till they had not only finished the hot water but
+a large jug of cold, that graced the centre of the table between two
+frosted tumblers, and had nearly got through the brandy too.</p>
+
+<p>'May as well fi&mdash;fi&mdash;fin&mdash;nish the bottle,' observed Jack, holding it up to
+the candle. 'Just a thi&mdash;thi&mdash;thim&mdash;bleful apiece,' added he, helping
+himself to about three-quarters of what there was.</p>
+
+<p>'You've taken your share,' observed Sponge, as the bottle suspended payment
+before he got half the quantity that Jack had.</p>
+
+<p>'Sque&mdash;ee&mdash;eze it,' replied Jack, suiting the action to the word, and
+working away at an exhausted lemon.</p>
+
+<p>At length they finished.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I s'pose we may as well go and have some tea,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'It's not announced yet,' said Sponge, 'but I make no doubt it will be
+ready.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, the worthies rose, and, after sundry bumps and certain
+irregularities of course, they each succeeded in reaching the door. The
+passage lamp had died out<a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a> and filled the corridor with its fragrance.
+Sponge, however, knew the way, and the darkness favored the adjustment of
+cravats and the fingering of hair. Having got up a sort of drunken simper,
+Sponge opened the drawing-room door, expecting to find smiling ladies in a
+blaze of light. All, however, was darkness, save the expiring embers in the
+grate. The tick, tick, tick, ticking of the clocks sounded wonderfully
+clear.</p>
+
+<p>'Gone to bed!' exclaimed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Who-hoop</span>!' shrieked Jack, at the top of his voice.</p>
+
+<p>'What's smatter, gentlemen?&mdash;What's smatter?' exclaimed Spigot rushing in,
+rubbing his eyes with one hand, and holding a block tin candlestick in the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothin',' replied Jack, squinting his eyes inside out; adding, 'get me a
+devilled&mdash;' (hiccup).</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know how to do them here, sir,' snapped Spigot.</p>
+
+<p>'Devilled turkey's leg though you do, you rascal!' rejoined Jack, doubling
+his fists and putting himself in posture.</p>
+
+<p>'Beg pardon, sir,' replied Spigot, 'but the cook, sir, is gone to bed, sir.
+Do you know, sir, what o'clock it is, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'What time is it?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Twenty minutes to two,' replied Spigot, holding up a sort of pocket
+warming-pan, which he called a watch.</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce!' exclaimed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Who'd ha' thought it?' muttered Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, I suppose we may as well go to bed,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'S'pose so,' replied Jack; 'nothin' more to get.'</p>
+
+<p>'Do you know your room?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'To be sure I do,' replied Jack; 'don't think I'm d&mdash;d&mdash;dr&mdash;drunk, do you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Not likely,' rejoined Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Jack then commenced a very crab-like ascent of the stairs, which
+fortunately were easy, or he would never have got up. Mr. Sponge, who still
+occupied the state apartments, took leave of Jack at his own door, and Jack
+went bumping and blundering on in search of the branch passage leading to
+his piggery. He found the green baize door that usually distinguishes the
+entrance<a name="Page_224" id="Page_224"></a> to these secondary suites, and was presently lurching along its
+contracted passage. As luck would have it, however, he got into his host's
+dressing-room, where that worthy slept; and when Jawleyford jumped up in
+the morning, as was his wont, to see what sort of a day it was, he trod on
+Jack's face, who had fallen down in his clothes alongside of the bed, and
+Jawleyford broke Jack's spectacles across the bridge of his nose.</p>
+
+<p>'Rot it!' roared Jack, jumping up, 'don't ride over a fellow that way!'
+When, shaking himself to try whether any limbs were broken, he found he was
+in his dress clothes instead of in the roomy garments of the Flat Hat Hunt.
+'Who are you? where am I? what the deuce do you mean by breaking my specs?'
+he exclaimed, squinting frightfully at his host.</p>
+
+<p>'My dear sir,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, from the top of his night-shirt,
+'I'm very sorry, but&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang your <i>buts</i>! you shouldn't ride so near a man!' exclaimed Jack,
+gathering up the fragments of his spectacles; when, recollecting himself,
+he finished by saying, 'Perhaps I'd better go to my own room.'</p>
+
+<p>'Perhaps you had,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, advancing towards the door to
+show him the way.</p>
+
+<p>'Let me have a candle,' said Jack, preparing to follow.</p>
+
+<p>'Candle, my dear fellow! why, it's broad daylight,' replied his host.</p>
+
+<p>'Is it?' said Jack, apparently unconscious of the fact. 'What's the hour?'</p>
+
+<p>'Five minutes to eight,' replied Jawleyford, looking at a timepiece.</p>
+
+<p>When Jack got into his own den he threw himself into an old invalid chair,
+and sat rubbing the fractured spectacles together as if he thought they
+would unite by friction, though in reality he was endeavouring to run the
+overnight's proceedings through his mind. The more he thought of Amelia's
+winning ways, the more satisfied he was that he had made an impression, and
+then the more vexed he was at having his spectacles broken: for though he
+considered himself very presentable without them, still he could not but
+feel that they were a desirable addition. Then, too, he had a splitting
+headache; <a name="Page_225" id="Page_225"></a>and finding that breakfast was not till ten and might be a good
+deal later, all things considered, he determined to be off and follow up
+his success under more favourable auspices. Considering that all the
+clothes he had with him were his lordship's, he thought it immaterial which
+he went home in, so to save trouble he just wrapped himself up in his
+mackintosh and travelled in the dress ones he had on.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 251px;">
+<img src="images/image225.jpg" width="251" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>It was fortunate for Mr. Sponge that he went, for, when Jawleyford smelt
+the indignity that had been offered to his dining-room, he broke out in
+such a torrent of indignation as would have been extremely unpleasant if
+there had not been some one to lay the blame on. Indeed, he was not
+particularly gracious to Mr. Sponge <a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a>as it was; but that arose as much from
+certain dark hints that had worked their way from the servants' hall into
+'my lady's chamber' as to our friend's pecuniary resources and prospects.
+Jawleyford began to suspect that Sponge might not be quite the great
+'catch' he was represented.</p>
+
+<p>Beyond, however, putting a few searching questions&mdash;which Mr. Sponge
+skilfully parried&mdash;advising his daughters to be cautious, lessening the
+number of lights, and lowering the scale of his entertainments generally,
+Mr. Jawleyford did not take any decided step in the matter. Mr. Spraggon
+comforted Lord Scamperdale with the assurance that Amelia had no idea of
+Sponge, who he made no doubt would very soon be out of the country&mdash;and his
+lordship went to church and prayed most devoutly for him to go.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. AND MRS. SPRINGWHEAT</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>'Lord Scamperdale's foxhounds meet on Monday at Larkhall Hill,'
+&amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;<i>County Paper</i>.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>The Flat Hat Hunt had relapsed into its wonted quiet, and 'Larkhall Hill'
+saw none but the regular attendants, men without the slightest particle of
+curve in their hats&mdash;hats, indeed, that looked as if the owners sat upon
+them when they hadn't them on their heads. There was Fyle, and Fossick, and
+Blossomnose, and <a name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a>Sparks, and Joyce, and Capon, and Dribble, and a few
+others, but neither Washball nor Puffington, nor any of the holiday birds.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 389px;">
+<img src="images/image226.jpg" width="389" height="300" alt="HIS LORDSHIP HAS IT ALL TO HIMSELF" title="" />
+<span class="caption">HIS LORDSHIP HAS IT ALL TO HIMSELF</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Precisely at ten, my lord, and his hounds, and his huntsman, and his whips,
+and his Jack, trotted round Farmer Springwheat's spacious back premises,
+and appeared in due form before the green rails in front. 'Pride attends us
+all,' as the poet says; and if his lordship had ridden into the yard, and
+halloaed out for a glass of home-brewed, Springwheat would have trapped
+every fox on his farm, and the blooming Mrs. Springwheat would have had an
+interminable poultry-bill against the hunt; whereas, simply by 'making
+things pleasant'&mdash;that is to say, coming to breakfast&mdash;Springwheat saw his
+corn trampled on, nay, led the way over it himself, and Mrs. Springwheat
+saw her Dorkings disappear without a murmur&mdash;unless, indeed, an inquiry
+when his lordship would be coming could be considered in that light.</p>
+
+<p>Larkhall Hill stood in the centre of a circle, on a gentle eminence,
+commanding a view over a farm whose fertile fields and well-trimmed fences
+sufficiently indicated its boundaries, and looked indeed as if all the good
+of the country had come up to it. It was green and luxuriant even in
+winter, while the strong cane-coloured stubbles showed what a crop there
+had been. Turnips as big as cheeses swelled above the ground. In a little
+narrow dell, whose existence was more plainly indicated from the house by
+several healthy spindling larches shooting up from among the green gorse,
+was the cover&mdash;an almost certain find, with the almost equal certainty of a
+run from it. It occupied both sides of the sandy, rabbit-frequented dell,
+through which ran a sparkling stream, and it possessed the great advantage
+to foot-people of letting them see the fox found. Larkhall Hill was,
+therefore, a favourite both with horse and foot. So much good&mdash;at all
+events, so much well-farmed land would seem to justify a better or more
+imposing-looking house, the present one consisting, exclusive of the
+projecting garret ones in the Dutch tile roof, of the usual four windows
+and a door, that so well tell their <a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a>own tale; passage in the middle,
+staircase in front, parlour on the right, best ditto on the left, with
+rooms to correspond above. To be sure, there was a great depth of house to
+the back; but this in no way contributed to the importance of the front,
+from which point alone the Springwheats chose to have it contemplated. If
+the back arrangements could have been divided, and added to the sides, they
+would have made two very good wings to the old red brick rose-entwined
+mansion. Having mentioned that its colour was red, it is almost superfluous
+to add that the door and rails were green.</p>
+
+<p>This was a busy morning at Larkhall Hill. It was the first day of the
+season of my lord's hounds meeting there, and the handsome Mrs. Springwheat
+had had as much trouble in overhauling the china and linen, and in dressing
+the children, preparatory to breakfast, as Springwheat had had in
+collecting knives and forks, and wine-glasses and tumblers for his
+department of the entertainment, to say nothing of looking after his new
+tops and cords. 'The Hill,' as the country people call it, was 'full fig';
+and a bright, balmy winter's day softened the atmosphere, and felt as
+though a summer's day had been shaken out of its place into winter. It is
+not often that the English climate is accommodating enough to lend its aid
+to set off a place to advantage.</p>
+
+<p>Be that, however, as it may, things looked smiling both without and within.
+Mrs. Springwheat, by dint of early rising and superintendence, had got
+things into such a state of forwardness as to be able to adorn herself with
+a little jaunty cap&mdash;curious in microscopic punctures and cherry-coloured
+ribbon interlardments&mdash;placed so far back on her finely-shaped head as to
+proclaim beyond all possibility of cavil that it was there for ornament,
+and not for the purpose of concealing the liberties of time with her
+well-kept, clearly parted, raven-black hair. Liberties of time, forsooth!
+Mrs. Springwheat was in the heighday of womanhood; and though she had
+presented Springwheat with twins three times in succession, besides an
+eldest son, she was as young, fresh-looking, and finely figured as she was
+the day she was married. She was now dressed in a very fine French <a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a>grey
+merino, with a very small crochet-work collar, and, of course, capacious
+muslin sleeves. The high flounces to her dress set off her smart waist to
+great advantage.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Springwheat had got everything ready, and herself too, by the time
+Lord Scamperdale's second horseman rode into the yard and demanded a stall
+for his horse. Knowing how soon the balloon follows the pilot, she
+immediately ranged the Stunner-tartan-clad children in the breakfast-room;
+and as the first whip's rate sounded as he rode round the corner, she sank
+into an easy-chair by the fire, with a lace-fringed kerchief in the one
+hand and the <i>Mark Lane Express</i> in the other.</p>
+
+<p>'Halloa! Springey!' followed by the heavy crack of a whip, announced the
+arrival of his lordship before the green palings; and a loud view halloa
+burst from Jack, as the object of inquiry was seen dancing about the
+open-windowed room above, with his face all flushed with the exertion of
+pulling on a very tight boot.</p>
+
+<p>'Come in, my lord! pray, come in! The missis is below!' exclaimed
+Springwheat, from the window; and just at the moment the pad-groom emerged
+from the house, and ran to his lordship's horse's head.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship and Jack then dismounted, and gave their hacks in charge of
+the servant; while Wake, and Fyle, and Archer, who were also of the party,
+scanned the countenances of the surrounding idlers, to see in whose hands
+they had best confide their nags.</p>
+
+<p>In Lord Scamperdale stamped, followed by his train-band bold, and Maria,
+the maid, being duly stationed in the passage, threw open the parlour door
+on the left, and discovered Mrs. Springwheat sitting in attitude.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, my lady, and how are you?' exclaimed his lordship, advancing gaily,
+and seizing both her pretty hands as she rose to receive him. 'I declare,
+you look younger and prettier every time I see you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! my lord,' simpered Mrs. Springwheat, 'you gentlemen are always so
+complimentary.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not a bit of it!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing her intently through his
+silver spectacles, for he had been obliged to let Jack have the other pair
+of tortoiseshell-rimmed ones. <a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a>'Not a bit of it,' repeated his lordship. 'I
+always tell Jack you are the handsomest woman in Christendom; don't I,
+Jack?' inquired his lordship, appealing to his factotum.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, my lord,' replied Jack, who always swore to whatever his lordship
+said.</p>
+
+<p>'By Jove!' continued his lordship, with a stamp of his foot, 'if I could
+find such a woman I'd marry her to-morrow. Not such women as you to pick up
+every day. And what a lot of pretty pups!' exclaimed his lordship, starting
+back, pretending to be struck with the row of staring, black-haired,
+black-eyed, half-frightened children. 'Now, that's what I call a good
+entry,' continued his lordship, scrutinizing them attentively, and pointing
+them out to Jack; 'all dogs&mdash;all boys I mean!' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'No, my lord,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, laughing, 'these are girls,'
+laying her hand on the heads of two of them, who were now full giggle at
+the idea of being taken for boys.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, they're devilish handsome, anyhow,' replied his lordship, thinking
+he might as well be done with the inspection.</p>
+
+<p>Springwheat himself now made his appearance, as fine a sample of a man as
+his wife was of a woman. His face was flushed with the exertion of pulling
+on his tight boots, and his lordship felt the creases the hooks had left as
+he shook him by the hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Springey,' said he, 'I was just asking your wife after the new
+babby.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, thank you, my lord,' replied Springey, with a shake of his curly head;
+'thank you, my lord; no new babbies, my lord, with wheat below forty, my
+lord.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but you've got a pair of new boots, at all events,' observed his
+lordship, eyeing Springwheat's refractory calves bagging over the tops of
+them.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed have I!' replied Springwheat; 'and a pair of uncommon awkward tight
+customers they are,' added he, trying to move his feet about in them.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! you should always have a chap to wear your boots a few times before
+you put them on yourself,'<a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a> observed his lordship. 'I never have a pair of
+tight uns,' added he; 'Jack here always does the needful by mine.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's all very well for lords,' replied Mr. Springwheat; 'but us farmers
+wear out our boots fast enough ourselves, without anybody to help us.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I s'pose we may as well fall to,' observed his lordship, casting
+his eye upon the well-garnished table. 'All these good things are meant to
+eat, I s'pose,' added he: 'cakes, and sweets, and jellies without end: and
+as to your sideboard,' said he, turning round and looking at it, 'it's a
+match for any Lord Mayor's. A round of beef, a ham, a tongue, and is that a
+goose or a turkey?'</p>
+
+<p>'A turkey, my lord,' replied Springwheat; 'home-fed, my lord.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, home-fed, indeed!' ejaculated his lordship, with a shake of the head:
+'home-fed: wish I could feed at home. The man who said that</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">E'en from the peasant to the lord,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The turkey smokes on every board,<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>told a big un, for I'm sure none ever smokes on mine.'</p>
+
+<p>'Take a little here to-day, then,' observed Mr. Springwheat, cutting deep
+into the white breast.</p>
+
+<p>'I will,' replied his lordship, 'I will: and a slice of tongue, too,' added
+he.</p>
+
+<p>'There are some hot sausingers comin',' observed Mr. Springwheat.</p>
+
+<p>'You <i>don't</i> say so,' replied his lordship, apparently thunderstruck at the
+announcement. 'Well, I must have all three. By Jove, Jack!' said he,
+appealing to his friend, 'but you've lit on your legs coming here. Here's a
+breakfast fit to set before the Queen&mdash;muffins, and crumpets, and cakes.
+Let me advise you to make the best use of your time, for you have but
+twenty minutes,' continued his lordship, looking at his watch, 'and muffins
+and crumpets don't come in your way every day.'</p>
+
+<p>''Deed they don't,' replied Jack, with a grin.</p>
+
+<p>'Will your lordship take tea or coffee?' asked Mrs. Springwheat, who had
+now taken her seat at the top of <a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a>the table, behind a richly chased
+equipage for the distribution of those beverages.</p>
+
+<p>''Pon my word,' replied his lordship, apparently bewildered&mdash;''pon my word,
+I don't know what to say. Tea or coffee? To tell you the truth, I was going
+to take something out of my black friend yonder,' nodding to where a French
+bottle like a tall bully was lifting its head above an encircling stand of
+liqueur-glasses.</p>
+
+<p>'Suppose you have a little of what we call laced tea, my lord&mdash;tea with a
+dash of brandy in it?' suggested Mr. Springwheat.</p>
+
+<p>'Laced tea,' repeated his lordship; 'laced tea: so I will,' said he.
+'Deuced good idea&mdash;deuced good idea,' continued he, bringing the bottle and
+seating himself on Mrs. Springwheat's right, while his host helped him to a
+most plentiful plate of turkey and tongue. The table was now about full, as
+was the room; the guests just rolling in as they would to a public-house,
+and helping themselves to whatever they liked. Great was the noise of
+eating.</p>
+
+<p>As his lordship was in the full enjoyment of his plateful of meat, he
+happened to look up, and, the space between him and the window being clear,
+he saw something that caused him to drop his knife and fork and fall back
+in his chair as if he was shot.</p>
+
+<p>'My lord's ill!' exclaimed Mr. Springwheat, who, being the only man with
+his nose up, was the first to perceive it.</p>
+
+<p>'Clap him on the back!' shrieked Mrs. Springwheat, who considered that an
+infallible recipe for the ailments of children.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both, as they rushed to his assistance, 'what
+is the matter with my lord?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, that Mister something!' gasped his lordship, bending forward in his
+chair, and venturing another glance through the window.</p>
+
+<p>Sure enough, there was Sponge, in the act of dismounting from the piebald,
+and resigning it with becoming dignity to his trusty groom, Mr. Leather,
+who stood most respectfully&mdash;Parvo in hand&mdash;waiting to receive it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, being of opinion that a red coat is a<a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a> passport everywhere,
+having stamped the mud sparks off his boots at the door, swaggered in with
+the greatest coolness, exclaiming as he bobbed his head to the lady, and
+looked round at the company:</p>
+
+<p>'What, grubbing away! grubbing away, eh?'</p>
+
+<p>'Won't you take a little refreshment?' asked Mr. Springwheat, in the hearty
+way these hospitable fellows welcome everybody.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I will,' replied Sponge, turning to the sideboard as though it were
+an inn. 'That's a monstrous fine ham,' observed he; 'why doesn't somebody
+cut it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Let me help you to some, sir,' replied Mr. Springwheat, seizing the
+buck-handled knife and fork, and diving deep into the rich red meat with
+the knife.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge having got two bountiful slices, with a knotch of home-made
+brown bread, and some mustard on his plate, now made for the table, and
+elbowed himself into a place between Mr. Fossick and Sparks, immediately
+opposite Mr. Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'Good morning,' said he to that worthy, as he saw the whites of his eyes
+showing through his spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>'Mornin',' muttered Jack, as if his mouth was either too full to
+articulate, or he didn't want to have anything to say to Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's a fine hunting morning, my lord,' observed Sponge, addressing
+himself to his lordship, who sat on Jack's left.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's a very fine hunting morning, my lord,' repeated Sponge, not getting
+an answer to his first assertion.</p>
+
+<p>'Is it?' blurted his lordship, pretending to be desperately busy with the
+contents of his plate, though in reality his appetite was gone.</p>
+
+<p>A dead pause now ensued, interrupted only by the clattering of knives and
+forks, and the occasional exclamations of parties in want of some
+particular article of food. A chill had come over the scene&mdash;a chill whose
+cause was apparent to every one, except the worthy host and hostess, who
+had not heard of Mr. Sponge's descent upon the country. They attributed it
+to his lordship's indisposition, and Mr. Springwheat endeavoured to cheer
+him up with the prospect of sport.</p><p><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a></p>
+
+<p>'There's a brace, if not a leash, of foxes in cover, my lord,' observed he,
+seeing his lordship was only playing with the contents of his plate.</p>
+
+<p>'Is there?' exclaimed his lordship, brightening up: 'let's be at 'em!'
+added he, jumping up and diving under the side-table for his flat hat and
+heavy iron hammer-headed whip. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs. Springwheat,'
+exclaimed he, putting on his hat and seizing both her soft fat-fingered
+hands and squeezing them ardently. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs.
+Springwheat,' repeated he, adding, 'By Jove! if ever there was an angel in
+petticoats, you're her; I'd give a hundred pounds for such a wife as you!
+I'd give a thousand pounds for such a wife as you! By the powers! I'd give
+five thousand pounds for such a wife as you!' With which asseverations his
+lordship stamped away in his great clumsy boots, amidst the ill-suppressed
+laughter of the party.</p>
+
+<p>'No hurry, gentlemen&mdash;no hurry,' observed Mr. Springwheat, as some of the
+keen ones were preparing to follow, and began sorting their hats, and
+making the mistakes incident to their being all the same shape. 'No hurry,
+sir&mdash;no hurry, sir,' repeated Springwheat, addressing Mr. Sponge
+specifically; 'his lordship will have a talk to his hounds yet, and his
+horse is still in the stable.'</p>
+
+<p>With this assurance Mr. Sponge resumed his seat at the table, where several
+of the hungry ones were plying their knives and forks as if they were
+indeed breaking their fasts.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, old boy, and how are you?' asked Sponge, as the whites of Jack's
+eyes again settled upon him, on the latter's looking up from his plateful
+of sausages.</p>
+
+<p>'Nicely. How are you?' asked Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Nicely too,' replied Sponge, in the laconic way men speak who have been
+engaged in some common enterprise&mdash;getting drunk, pelting people with
+rotten eggs, or anything of that sort.</p>
+
+<p>'Jaw and the ladies well?' asked Jack, in the same strain.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nicely,' said Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Take a glass of cherry-brandy,' exclaimed the hospitable Mr. Springwheat:
+'nothing like a drop of something for steadying the nerves.'</p>
+
+<p>'Presently,' replied Sponge, 'presently; meanwhile I'll trouble the missis
+for a cup of coffee. Coffee without sugar,' said Sponge, addressing the
+lady.</p>
+
+<p>'With pleasure,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, glad to get a little custom for
+her goods. Most of the gentlemen had been at the bottles and sideboard.</p>
+
+<p>Springwheat, seeing Mr. Sponge, the only person who, as a stranger, there
+was any occasion for him to attend to, in the care of his wife, now slipped
+out of the room, and mounting his five-year-old horse, whose tail stuck out
+like the long horn of a coach, as his ploughman groom said, rode off to
+join the hunt.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, but those are capital sarsingers!' observed Jack, smacking
+his lips and eating away for hard life. 'Just look if my lord's on his
+horse yet,' added he to one of the children, who had begun to hover round
+the table and dive their fingers into the sweets.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied the child; 'he's still on foot, playing with the dogs.'</p>
+
+<p>'Here goes, then,' said Jack, 'for another plate,' suiting the action to
+the word, and running with his plate to the sausage-dish.</p>
+
+<p>'Have a hot one,' exclaimed Mrs. Springwheat, adding, 'it will be done in a
+minute.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, thank ye,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head, adding, 'I might be
+done in a minute too.'</p>
+
+<p>'He'll wait for you, I suppose?' observed Sponge, addressing Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Not so clear about that,' replied Jack, gobbling away; 'time and my lord
+wait for no man. But it's hardly the half-hour yet,' added he, looking at
+his watch.</p>
+
+<p>He then fell to with the voracity of a hound after hunting. Sponge, too,
+made the most of his time, as did two or three others who still remained.</p>
+
+<p>'Now for the jumping-powder!' at length exclaimed Sponge, looking round for
+the bottle. 'What shall it be, cherry or neat?' continued he, pointing to
+the two. <a name="Page_236" id="Page_236"></a>'Cherry for me,' replied Jack, squinting and eating away without
+looking up.</p>
+
+<p>'I say <i>neat</i>,' rejoined Sponge, helping himself out of the French bottle.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll be hard to hold after that,' observed Jack, as he eyed Sponge
+tossing it off.</p>
+
+<p>'I hope my horse won't,' replied Sponge, remembering he was going to ride
+the resolute chestnut.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image236.jpg" width="300" height="290" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'You'll show us the way, I dare say,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Sponge, helping himself to a second glass.</p>
+
+<p>'What! at it again!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'Take care you don't ride over
+my lord.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll take care of the old file,' said Sponge; 'it wouldn't do to kill the
+goose that lays the golden what-do-ye-call-'ems, you know&mdash;he, he, he!'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' chuckled Jack;' 'deed it wouldn't&mdash;must make the most of him.'</p><p><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a></p>
+
+<p>'What sort of a humour is he in to-day?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Middlin',' replied Jack, 'middlin'; he'll abuse you most likely, but that
+you mustn't mind.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' replied Sponge, who was used to that sort of thing.</p>
+
+<p>'You mustn't mind me either,' observed Jack, sweeping the last piece of
+sausage into his mouth with his knife, and jumping up from the table. 'When
+his lordship rows I row,' added he, diving under the side-table for his
+flat hat.</p>
+
+<p>'Hark! there's the horn!' exclaimed Sponge, rushing to the window.</p>
+
+<p>'So there is,' responded Jack, standing transfixed on one leg to the spot.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, they're away!' exclaimed Sponge, as his lordship was seen
+hat in hand careering over the meadow, beyond the cover, with the tail
+hounds straining to overtake their flying comrades. Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang
+went Frostyface's horn; crack&mdash;crack&mdash;crack went the ponderous thongs of
+the whips; shouts, and yells, and yelps, and whoops, and halloas,
+proclaimed the usual wild excitement of this privileged period of the
+chase. All was joy save among the gourmands assembled at the door&mdash;they
+looked blank indeed.</p>
+
+<p>'What a sell!' exclaimed Sponge, in disgust, who, with Jack, saw the
+hopelessness of the case.</p>
+
+<p>'Yonder he goes!' exclaimed a lad, who had run up from the cover to see the
+hunt from the rising ground.</p>
+
+<p>'Where?' exclaimed Sponge, straining his eyeballs.</p>
+
+<p>'There!' said the lad, pointing due south. 'D'ye see Tommy Claychop's
+pasture? Now he's through the hedge and into Mrs. Starveland's turnip
+field, making right for Bramblebrake Wood on the hill.'</p>
+
+<p>'So he is,' said Sponge, who now caught sight of the fox emerging from the
+turnips on to a grass field beyond.</p>
+
+<p>Jack stood staring through his great spectacles, without deigning a word.</p>
+
+<p>'What shall we do?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Do?' replied Jack, with his chin still up; 'go home, I should think.'</p><p><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238"></a></p>
+
+<p>'There's a man down!' exclaimed a groom, who formed one of the group, as a
+dark-coated rider and horse measured their length on a pasture.</p>
+
+<p>'It's Mr. Sparks,' said another, adding, 'he's always rolling about.'</p>
+
+<p>'Lor', look at the parson!' exclaimed a third, as Blossomnose was seen
+gathering his horse and setting up his shoulders preparatory to riding at a
+gate.</p>
+
+<p>'Well done, old 'un!' roared a fourth, as the horse flew over it,
+apparently without an effort.</p>
+
+<p>'Now for Tom!' cried several, as the second whip went galloping up on the
+line of the gate.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! he won't have it!' was the cry, as the horse suddenly stopped short,
+nearly shooting Tom over his head. 'Try him again&mdash;try him again&mdash;take a
+good run&mdash;that's him&mdash;there, he's over!' was the cry, as Tom flourished his
+arm in the air on landing.</p>
+
+<p>'Look! there's old Tommy Baker, the rat-ketcher!' cried another, as a man
+went working his arms and legs on an old white pony across a fallow.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, Tommy! Tommy! you'd better shut up,' observed another: 'a pig could go
+as fast as that.'</p>
+
+<p>And so they criticized the laggers.</p>
+
+<p>'How did my lord get his horse?' asked Spraggon of the groom who had
+brought them on, who now joined the eye-straining group at the door.</p>
+
+<p>'It was taken down to him at the cover,' replied the man. 'My lord went in
+on foot, and the horse went round the back way. The horse wasn't there half
+a minute before he was wanted; for no sooner were the hounds in at one end
+than out popped the fox at t'other. Sich a whopper!&mdash;biggest fox that ever
+was seen.'</p>
+
+<p>'They are all the biggest foxes that ever were seen,' snapped Mr. Sponge.
+'I'll be bound he was not a bit bigger than common.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll be bound not, either,' growled Mr. Spraggon, squinting frightfully at
+the man, adding, 'go, get me my hack, and don't be talking nonsense there.'</p>
+
+<p>Our friends then remounted their hacks and parted company in very moderate
+humours, feeling fully satisfied that his lordship had done it on purpose.</p><p><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVII" id="CHAPTER_XXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXVII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE FINEST RUN THAT EVER WAS SEEN</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 151px;">
+<img src="images/image239.jpg" width="151" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>oo-ray, Jack! Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, bursting into his
+sanctum where Mr. Spraggon sat in his hunting coat and slippers, spelling
+away at a second-hand copy of <i>Bell's Life</i> by the light of a melancholy
+mould candle. 'Hooray, Jack! hooray!' repeated he, waving that proud
+trophy, a splendid fox's brush, over his grizzly head.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship was the picture of delight. He had had a tremendous run&mdash;the
+finest run that ever was seen! His hounds had behaved to perfection; his
+horse&mdash;though he had downed him three times&mdash;had carried him well, and his
+lordship stood with his crownless flat hat in his hand, and one coat lap in
+the pocket of the other&mdash;a grinning, exulting, self-satisfied specimen of a
+happy Englishman.</p>
+
+<p>'Lor! what a sight you are!' observed Jack, turning the light of the candle
+upon his lordship's dirty person. 'Why, I declare you're an inch thick with
+mud,' he added, 'mud from head to foot,' he continued, working the light up
+and down.</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind the mud, you old badger!' roared his lordship, still waving the
+brush over his head: 'never mind the mud, you old badger; the mud'll come
+off, or<a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a> may stay on; but such a run as we've had does not come off every
+day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'm glad you have had a run,' replied Jack. 'I'm glad you have had a
+run,' adding, 'I was afraid at one time that your day's sport was spoiled.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, do you know,' replied his lordship, 'when I saw that unrighteous
+snob, I was near sick. If it were possible for a man to faint, I should
+have thought I was going to do so. At first I thought of going home, taking
+the hounds away too; then I thought of going myself and leaving the hounds;
+then I thought if I left the hounds it would only make the sinful
+scaramouch more outrageous, and I should be sitting on pins and needles
+till they came home, thinking how he was crashing among them. Next I
+thought of drawing all the unlikely places in the country, and making a
+blank day of it. Then I thought that would only be like cutting off my nose
+to spite my face. Then I didn't know what on earth to do. At last, when I
+saw the critter's great pecker steadily down in his plate, I thought I
+would try and steal a march upon him, and get away with my fox while he was
+feeding; and, oh! how thankful I was when I looked back from Bramblebrake
+Hill, and saw no signs of him in the distance.'</p>
+
+<p>'It wasn't likely you'd see him,' interrupted Jack, 'for he never got away
+from the front door. I twigged what you were after, and kept him up in talk
+about his horses and his ridin' till I saw you were fairly away.'</p>
+
+<p>'You did well,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, patting Jack on the back; 'you
+did well, my old buck-o'-wax; and, by Jove! we'll have a bottle of port&mdash;a
+bottle of port, as I live,' repeated his lordship, as if he had made up his
+mind to do a most magnificent act.</p>
+
+<p>'But what's happened you behind?&mdash;what's happened you behind?' asked Jack,
+as his lordship turned to the fire, and exhibited his docked tail.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, hang the coat!&mdash;it's neither here nor there,' replied his lordship;
+'hat neither,' he added, exhibiting its crushed proportions. 'Old
+Blossomnose did the coat; and as to the hat, I did it myself&mdash;at least, old
+Daddy Longlegs and I did it between us. We got into<a name="Page_241" id="Page_241"></a> a grass-field, of
+which they had cut a few roods of fence, just enough to tempt a man out of
+a very deep lane, and away we sailed, in the enjoyment of fine sound sward,
+with the rest of the field plunging and floundering, and holding and
+grinning, and thinking what fools they were for not following my
+example&mdash;when, lo and behold! I got to the bottom of the field, and found
+there was no way out&mdash;no chance of a bore through the great thick, high
+hedge, except at a branchy willow, where there was just enough room to
+squeeze a horse through, provided he didn't rise at the ditch on the far
+side. At first I was for getting off; indeed, had my right foot out of the
+stirrup, when the hounds dashed forrard with such energy&mdash;looking like
+running&mdash;and remembering the tremendous climb I should have to get on to
+old Daddy's back again, and seeing some of the nasty jealous chaps in the
+lane eyeing me through the fence, thinking how I was floored, I determined
+to stay where I was; and gathering the horse together, tried to squeeze
+through the hole. Well, he went shuffling and sliding down to it, as though
+he were conscious of the difficulty, and poked his head quietly past the
+tree, when, getting a sight of the ditch on the far side, he rose, and
+banged my head against the branch above, crushing my hat right over my
+eyes, and in that position he carried me through blindfold.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack, turning his spectacles full upon his lordship,
+and adding, 'it's lucky he didn't crack your crown.'</p>
+
+<p>'It is,' assented his lordship, feeling his head to satisfy himself that he
+had not done so.</p>
+
+<p>'And how did you lose your tail?' asked Jack, having got the information
+about the hat.</p>
+
+<p>'The tail! ah, the tail!' replied his lordship, feeling behind, where it
+wasn't;' I'll tell you how that was: you see we went away like blazes from
+Springwheat's gorse&mdash;nice gorse it is, and nice woman he has for a
+wife&mdash;but, however, that's neither here nor there; what I was going to tell
+you about was the run, and how I lost my tail. Well, we got away like
+winking; no sooner were the hounds in on one side than away went<a name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a> the fox
+on the other. Not a soul shouted till he was clean gone; hats in the air
+was all that told his departure. The fox thus had time to run matters
+through his mind&mdash;think whether he should go to Ravenscar Craigs, or make
+for the main earths at Painscastle Grove. He chose the latter, doubtless
+feeling himself strong and full of running; and if we had chosen his ground
+for him he could not have taken us a finer line. He went as straight as an
+arrow through Bramblebrake Wood, and then away down the hill over those
+great enormous pastures to Haselbury Park, which he skirted, leaving
+Evercreech Green on the left, pointing as if for Dormston Dean. Here he was
+chased by a cur, and the hounds were brought to a momentary check. Frosty,
+however, was well up, and a hat being held up on Hothersell Hill, he
+clapped forrard and laid the hounds on beyond. We then viewed the fox
+sailing away over Eddlethorp Downs, still pointing for Painscastle Grove,
+with the Hamerton Brook lighting up here and there in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>'The field, I should tell you, were fairly taken by surprise. There wasn't
+a man ready for a start; my horse had only just come down. Fossick was on
+foot, drawing his girths; Fyle was striking a light to smoke a cigar on his
+hack; Blossomnose and Capon's grooms were fistling and wisping their
+horses; Dribble, as usual, was all behind; and altogether there was such a
+scene of hurry and confusion as never was seen.</p>
+
+<p>'As they came to the brook they got somewhat into line, and one saw who was
+there. Five or six of us charged it together, and two went under. One was
+Springwheat on his bay, who was somewhat pumped out; the other was said to
+be Hook. Old Daddy Longlegs skimmed it like a swallow, and, getting his
+hind-legs well under him, shot over the pastures beyond, as if he was going
+upon turf. The hounds all this time had been running, or rather racing,
+nearly mute. They now, however, began to feel for the scent; and, as they
+got upon the cold, bleak grounds above Somerton Quarries, they were fairly
+brought to their noses. Uncommon glad I was to see them; for ten minutes
+more, at the <a name="Page_243" id="Page_243"></a>pace they had been going, would have shaken off every man
+Jack of us. As it was, it was bellows to mend; and Calcott's roarer roared
+as surely roarer never roared before. You could hear him half a mile off.
+We had barely time, however, to turn our horses to the wind, and ease them
+for a few moments, before the pace began to mend, and from a catching to a
+holding scent they again poured across Wallingburn pastures, and away to
+Roughacres Court. It was between these places that I got my head duntled
+into my hat,' continued his lordship, knocking the crownless hat against
+his mud-stained knee. 'However, I didn't care a button, though I'd not worn
+it above two years, and it might have lasted me a long time about home; but
+misfortunes seldom come singly, and I was soon to have another. The few of
+us that were left were all for the lanes, and very accommodating the one
+between Newton Bushell and the Forty-foot Bank was, the hounds running
+parallel within a hundred yards on the left for nearly a mile. When,
+however, we got to the old water-mill in the fields below, the fox made a
+bend to the left, as if changing his mind, and making for Newtonbroome
+Woods, and we were obliged to try the fortunes of war in the fields. The
+first fence we came to looked like nothing, and there was a weak place
+right in my line that I rode at, expecting the horse would easily bore
+through a few twigs that crossed the upper part of it. These, however,
+happened to be twisted, to stop the gap, and not having put on enough
+steam, they checked him as he rose, and brought him right down on his head
+in the broad ditch, on the far side. Old Blossomnose, who was following
+close behind, not making any allowance for falls, was in the air before I
+was well down, and his horse came with a forefoot, into my pocket, and tore
+the lap clean off by the skirt'; his lordship exhibiting the lap as he
+spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'It's your new coat, too,' observed Jack, examining it with concern as he
+spoke.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed, is it!' replied his lordship, with a shake of the head. ''Deed, is
+it! That's the consequence of having gone out to breakfast. If it had been
+to-morrow, <a name="Page_244" id="Page_244"></a>for instance, I should have had number two on, or maybe number
+three,' his lordship having coats of every shade and grade, from stainless
+scarlet down to tattered mulberry colour.</p>
+
+<p>'It'll mend, however,' observed his lordship, taking it back from Jack;
+'it'll mend, however,' he said, fitting it round to the skirt as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nicely!' replied Jack; 'it's come off clean by the skirt. But what
+said Old Blossom?' inquired Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he was full of apologies and couldn't helps it as usual,' replied his
+lordship; 'he was down, too, I should tell you, with his horse on his left
+leg; but there wasn't much time for apologies or explanation, for the
+hounds were running pretty sharp, considering how long they had been at
+work, and there was the chance of others jumping upon us if we didn't get
+out of the way, so we both scrambled up as quick as we could and got into
+our places again.'</p>
+
+<p>'Which way did you go, then?' asked Jack, who had listened with the
+attention of a man who knows every yard of the country.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' continued his lordship, casting back to where he got his fall, 'the
+fox crossed the Coatenburn township, picking all the plough and
+bad-scenting ground as he went, but it was of no use, his fate was sealed;
+and though he began to run short, and dodge and thread the hedge-rows, they
+hunted him yard by yard till he again made an effort for his life, and took
+over Mossingburn Moor, pointing for Penrose Tower on the hill. Here
+Frosty's horse, Little Jumper, declined, and we left him standing in the
+middle of the moor with a stiff neck, kicking and staring and looking
+mournfully at his flanks. Daddy Longlegs, too, had begun to sob, and in
+vain I looked back in hopes of seeing Jack-a-Dandy coming up. "Well," said
+I to myself, "I've got a pair of good strong boots on, and I'll finish the
+run on foot but I'll see it"; when, just at the moment, the pack broke from
+scent to view and rolled the fox up like a hedgehog amongst them.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well done!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'that was a run with a vengeance!'
+<a name="Page_245" id="Page_245"></a>'Wasn't it?' replied his lordship, rubbing his hands and stamping; 'the
+finest run that ever was seen&mdash;the finest run that ever was seen!'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, it couldn't be less than twelve miles from point to point,' observed
+Jack, thinking it over.</p>
+
+<p>'Not a yard,' replied his lordship, 'not a yard, and from fourteen to
+fifteen as the hounds ran.'</p>
+
+<p>'It would be all that,' assented Jack. 'How long were you in doing it?' he
+asked.</p>
+
+<p>'An hour and forty minutes,' replied his lordship; 'an hour and forty
+minutes from the find to the finish'; adding, 'I'll stick the brush and
+present it to Mrs. Springwheat.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's to be hoped Springy's out of the brook,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'To be hoped so,' replied his lordship, thinking, if he wasn't whether he
+should marry Mrs. Springwheat or not.</p>
+
+<p>Well now, after all that, we fancy we hear our fair friends exclaim, 'Thank
+goodness, there's an end of Lord Scamperdale and his hunting; he has had a
+good run, and will rest quiet for a time; we shall now hear something of
+Amelia and Emily, and the doings at Jawleyford Court.' Mistaken lady! If
+you are lucky enough to marry an out-and-out fox-hunter, you will find that
+a good run is only adding fuel to the fire, only making him anxious for
+more. Lord Scamperdale's sporting fire was in full blaze. His bumps and his
+thumps, his rolls, and his scrambles, only brought out the beauties and
+perfections of the thing. He cared nothing for his hat-crown, no; nor for
+his coat-lap either. Nay, he wouldn't have cared if it had been made into a
+spencer.</p>
+
+<p>'What's to-day? Monday,' said his lordship, answering himself. 'Monday,' he
+repeated; 'Monday&mdash;bubble-and-squeak, I guess&mdash;sooner it's ready the
+better, for I'm half-famished&mdash;didn't do half-justice to that nice
+breakfast at Springy's. That nasty brown-booted buffer completely threw me
+off my feed. By the way, what became of the chestnut-booted animal?'</p>
+
+<p>'Went home,' replied Jack; 'fittest place for him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hope he'll stay there,' rejoined his lordship. 'No fear of his being at
+the roads to-morrow, is there?' <a name="Page_246" id="Page_246"></a>'None,' replied Jack. 'I told him it was
+quite an impossible distance from him, twenty miles at least.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's grand!' exclaimed his lordship; 'that's grand! Then we'll have a
+rare, ding-dong hey&mdash;away pop. There'll be no end of those nasty, jealous,
+Puffington dogs out; and if we have half such a scent as we had to-day,
+we'll sew some of them up, we'll show 'em what hunting is. Now,' he added,
+'if you'll go and get the bottle of port, I'll clean myself, and then we'll
+have dinner as quick as we can.'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVIII" id="CHAPTER_XXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE FAITHFUL GROOM</h3>
+
+
+<p>We left our friend Mr. Sponge wending his way home moodily, after having
+lost his day at Larkhall Hill. Some of our readers will, perhaps, say, why
+didn't he clap on, and try to catch up the hounds at a check, or at all
+events rejoin them for an afternoon fox? Gentle reader! Mr. Sponge did not
+hunt on those terms; he was a front-rank or a 'nowhere' man, and
+independently of catching hounds up being always a fatiguing and hazardous
+speculation, especially on a fine-scenting day, the exertion would have
+taken more out of his horse than would have been desirable for successful
+display in a second run. Mr. Sponge, therefore, determined to go home.</p>
+
+<p>As he sauntered along, musing on the mishaps of the chase, wondering how
+Miss Jawleyford would look, and playing himself an occasional tune with his
+spur against his stirrup, who should come trotting behind him but Mr.
+Leather on the redoubtable chestnut? Mr. Sponge beckoned him alongside. The
+horse looked blooming and bright; his eye was clear and cheerful, and there
+was a sort of springy graceful action that looked like easy going.</p>
+
+<p>One always fancies a horse most with another man on him. We see all his
+good points without feeling his imperfections&mdash;his trippings, or startings,
+or snatchings, <a name="Page_247" id="Page_247"></a>or borings, or roughness of action, and Mr. Sponge
+proceeded to make a silent estimate of Multum in Parvo's qualities as he
+trotted gently along on the grassy side of the somewhat wide road.</p>
+
+<p>'By Jove! it's a pity but his lordship had seen him,' thought Sponge, as
+the emulation of companionship made the horse gradually increase his pace,
+and steal forward with the lightest, freest action imaginable. 'If he was
+but all right,' continued Sponge, with a shake of the head, 'he would be
+worth any money, for he has the strength of a dray-horse, with the symmetry
+and action of a racer.'</p>
+
+<p>Then Sponge thought he shouldn't have an opportunity of showing the horse
+till Thursday, for Jack had satisfied him that the next day's meet was
+quite beyond distance from Jawleyford Court.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a bore,' said he, rising in his stirrups, and tickling the piebald
+with his spurs, as if he were going to set-to for a race. He thought of
+having a trial of speed with the chestnut, up a slip of turf they were now
+approaching; but a sudden thought struck him, and he desisted. 'These
+horses have done nothing to-day,' he said; 'why shouldn't I send the
+chestnut on for to-morrow?'</p>
+
+<p>'Do you know where the cross-roads are?' he asked his groom.</p>
+
+<p>'Cross-roads, cross-roads&mdash;what cross-roads?' replied Leather.</p>
+
+<p>'Where the hounds meet to-morrow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the cross-roads at Somethin' Burn,' rejoined Leather
+thoughtfully&mdash;'no, 'deed, I don't,' he added. 'From all 'counts, they seem
+to be somewhere on the far side of the world.'</p>
+
+<p>That was not a very encouraging answer; and feeling it would require a good
+deal of persuasion to induce Mr. Leather to go in search of them without
+clothing and the necessary requirements for his horses, Mr. Sponge went
+trotting on, in hopes of seeing some place where he might get a sight of
+the map of the county. So they proceeded in silence, till a sudden turn of
+the road brought them to the spire and housetops of the <a name="Page_248" id="Page_248"></a>little
+agricultural town of Barleyboll. It differed nothing from the ordinary run
+of small towns. It had a pond at one end, an inn in the middle, a church at
+one side, a fashionable milliner from London, a merchant tailor from the
+same place, and a hardware shop or two where they also sold treacle,
+Dartford gunpowder, pocket-handkerchiefs, sheep-nets, patent medicines,
+cheese, blacking, marbles, mole-traps, men's hats, and other miscellaneous
+articles. It was quite enough of a town, however, to raise a presumption
+that there would be a map of the county at the inn.</p>
+
+<p>'We'll just put the horses up for a few minutes, I think,' said Sponge,
+turning into the stable-yard at the end of the Red Lion Hotel and Posting
+House, adding, 'I want to write a letter, and perhaps,' said he, looking at
+his watch, 'you may be wanting your dinner.'</p>
+
+<p>Having resigned his horse to his servant, Mr. Sponge walked in, receiving
+the marked attention usually paid to a red coat. Mine host left his bar,
+where he was engaged in the usual occupation of drinking with customers for
+the 'good of the house.' A map of the county, of such liberal dimensions,
+was speedily produced, as would have terrified any one unaccustomed to
+distances and scales on which maps are laid down. For instance, Jawleyford
+Court, as the crow flies, was the same distance from the cross-roads at
+Dallington Burn as York was from London, in a map of England hanging beside
+it.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a goodish way,' said Sponge, getting a lighter off the chimney-piece,
+and measuring the distances. 'From Jawleyford Court to Billingsborough
+Rise, say seven miles; from Billingsborough Rise to Downington Wharf, other
+seven; from Downington Wharf to Shapcot, which seems the nearest point,
+will be&mdash;say five or six, perhaps&mdash;nineteen or twenty in all. Well, that's
+my work,' he observed, scratching his head, 'at least, my hack's; and from
+here, home,' he continued, measuring away as he spoke, 'will be twelve or
+thirteen. Well, that's nothing,' he said. 'Now for the horse,' he
+continued, again applying the lighter in a different direction. 'From here
+to Hardington will be, say, eight <a name="Page_249" id="Page_249"></a>miles; from Hardington to Bewley, other
+five; eight and five are thirteen; and there, I should say, he might sleep.
+That would leave ten or twelve miles for the morning; nothing for a hack
+hunter; 'specially such a horse as that, and one that's done nothing for I
+don't know how long.'</p>
+
+<p>Altogether, Mr. Sponge determined to try it, especially considering that if
+he didn't get Tuesday, there would be nothing till Thursday; and he was not
+the man to keep a hack hunter standing idle.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly he sought Mr. Leather, whom he found busily engaged in the
+servants' apartment, with a cold round of beef and a foaming flagon of ale
+before him.</p>
+
+<p>'Leather,' he said, in a tone of authority, 'I'll hunt to-morrow&mdash;ride the
+horse I should have ridden to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Where at?' asked Leather, diving his fork into a bottle of pickles, and
+fishing out an onion.</p>
+
+<p>'The cross-roads,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'The cross-roads be fifty miles from here!' cried Leather.</p>
+
+<p>'Nonsense!' rejoined Sponge; 'I've just measured the distance. It's nothing
+of the sort.'</p>
+
+<p>'How far do you make it, then?' asked Leather, tucking in the beef.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, from here to Hardington is about six, and from Hardington to Bewley,
+four&mdash;ten in all,' replied Sponge. 'You can stay at Bewley all night, and
+then it is but a few miles on in the morning.'</p>
+
+<p>'And whativer am I to do for clothin'?' asked Leather, adding, 'I've
+nothin' with me&mdash;nothin' nouther for oss nor man.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the ostler'll lend you what you want,' replied Sponge, in a tone of
+determination, adding, 'you can make shift for one night surely?'</p>
+
+<p>'One night surely!' retorted Leather. 'D'ye think an oss can't be ruined in
+one night?&mdash;humph!'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll risk it,' said Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'But I won't,' replied Leather, blowing the foam from the tankard, and
+taking a long swig at the ale. 'I thinks I knows my duty to my gov'nor
+better nor that,'<a name="Page_250" id="Page_250"></a> continued he, setting it down. 'I'll not see his
+waluable 'unters stowed away in pigsties&mdash;not I, indeed.'</p>
+
+<p>The fact was, Leather had an invitation to sup with the servants at
+Jawleyford Court that night, and he was not going to be done out of his
+engagement, especially as Mr. Sponge only allowed him two shillings a day
+for expenses wherever he was.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image250.jpg" width="300" height="286" alt="MR. LEATHER AND SPONGE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. LEATHER AND SPONGE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Well, you're a cool hand, anyhow,' observed Mr. Sponge, quite taken by
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p>'Cool 'and, or not cool 'and,' replied Leather, munching away, 'I'll do my
+duty to my master. I'm not one o' your coatless, characterless scamps wot
+'ang about livery-stables ready to do anything they're bid. No sir, no,' he
+continued, pronging another onion; '<i>I</i> have <a name="Page_251" id="Page_251"></a>some regard for the hinterest
+o' my master. I'll do my duty in the station o' life in which I'm placed,
+and won't be 'fraid to face no man.' So saying, Mr. Leather cut himself a
+grand circumference of beef.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was taken aback, for he had never seen a conscientious
+livery-stable helper before, and did not believe in the existence of such
+articles. However, here was Mr. Leather assuming a virtue, whether he had
+it or not; and Mr. Sponge being in the man's power, of course durst not
+quarrel with him. It was clear that Leather would not go; and the question
+was, what should Mr. Sponge do? 'Why shouldn't I go myself?' he thought,
+shutting his eyes, as if to keep his faculties free from outward
+distraction. He ran the thing quickly over in his mind. 'What Leather can
+do, I can do,' he said, remembering that a groom never demeaned himself by
+working where there was an ostler. 'These things I have on will do quite
+well for to-morrow, at least among such rough-and-ready dogs as the Flat
+Hat men, who seem as if they had their clothes pitched on with a fork.'</p>
+
+<p>His mind was quickly made up, and calling for pen, ink, and paper, he wrote
+a hasty note to Jawleyford, explaining why he would not cast up till the
+morrow; he then got the chestnut out of the stable, and desiring the ostler
+to give the note to Leather, and tell him to go home with his hack, he just
+rode out of the yard without giving Leather the chance of saying 'nay.' He
+then jogged on at a pace suitable to the accurate measurement of the
+distance.</p>
+
+<p>The horse seemed to like having Sponge's red coat on better than Leather's
+brown, and champed his bit, and stepped away quite gaily.</p>
+
+<p>'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, laying the rein on its neck, and leaning
+forward to pat him; 'it's a pity but you were always in this humour&mdash;you'd
+be worth a mint of money if you were.' He then resumed his seat in the
+saddle, and bethought him how he would show them the way on the morrow. 'If
+he doesn't beat every horse in the field, it shan't be my fault,' thought
+he; and thereupon he gave him the slightest possible touch<a name="Page_252" id="Page_252"></a> with the spur,
+and the horse shot away up a strip of grass like an arrow.</p>
+
+<p>'By Jove, but you <i>can</i> go!' said he, pulling up as the grass ran out upon
+the hard road.</p>
+
+<p>Thus he reached the village of Hardington, which he quickly cleared, and
+took the well-defined road to Bewley&mdash;a road adorned with milestones and
+set out with a liberal horse-track at either side.</p>
+
+<p>Day had closed ere our friend reached Bewley, but the children returning
+from school, and the country folks leaving their work, kept assuring him
+that he was on the right line, till the lights of the town, bursting upon
+him as he rounded the hill above, showed him the end of his journey.</p>
+
+<p>The best stalls at the head inn&mdash;the Bull's Head&mdash;were all full, several
+trusty grooms having arrived with the usual head-stalls and rolls of
+clothing on their horses, denoting the object of their mission. Most of the
+horses had been in some hours, and were now standing well littered up with
+straw, while the grooms were in the tap talking over their masters,
+discussing the merits of their horses, or arguing whether Lord Scamperdale
+was mad or not. They had just come to the conclusion that his lordship was
+mad, but not incapable of taking care of his affairs, when the trampling of
+Sponge's horse's feet drew them out to see who was coming next. Sponge's
+red coat at once told his tale, and procured him the usual attention.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Leather's fear of the want of clothing for the valuable hunter proved
+wholly groundless, for each groom having come with a plentiful supply for
+his own horse, all the inn stock was at the service of the stranger. The
+stable, to be sure, was not quite so good as might be desired, but it was
+warm and water-tight, and the corn was far from bad. Altogether, Mr. Sponge
+thought he would do very well, and, having seen to his horse, proceeded to
+choose between beef-steaks and mutton chops for his own entertainment, and
+with the aid of the old country paper and some very questionable port, he
+passed the evening in anticipation of the sports of the morrow.</p><p><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIX" id="CHAPTER_XXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXIX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE CROSS-ROADS AT DALLINGTON BURN</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 194px;">
+<img src="images/image253.jpg" width="194" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>hen his lordship and Jack mounted their hacks in the morning to go to the
+cross-roads at Dallington Burn, it was so dark that they could not see
+whether they were on bays or browns. It was a dull, murky day, with heavy
+spongy clouds overhead.</p>
+
+<p>There had been a great deal of rain in the night, and the horses poached
+and squashed as they went. Our sportsmen, however, were prepared as well
+for what had fallen as for what might come; for they were encased in
+enormously thick boots, with baggy overalls, and coats and waistcoats of
+the stoutest and most abundant order. They had each a sack of a mackintosh
+strapped on to their saddle fronts. Thus they went blobbing and groping
+their way along, varying the monotony of the journey by an occasional spurt
+of muddy water up into their faces, or the more nerve-trying noise of a
+floundering stumble over a heap of stones by the roadside. The country
+people stared with astonishment as they passed, and the muggers and
+tinkers, who were withdrawing their horses from the farmers' fields, stood
+trembling, lest they might be the 'pollis' coming after them.</p>
+
+<p>'I think it'll be a fine day,' observed his lordship, <a name="Page_254" id="Page_254"></a>after they had
+bumped for some time in silence without its getting much lighter. 'I think
+it will be a fine day,' he said, taking his chin out of his great
+puddingy-spotted neckcloth, and turning his spectacled face up to the
+clouds.</p>
+
+<p>'The want of light is its chief fault,' observed Jack, adding, 'it's deuced
+dark!'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, it'll get better of that,' observed his lordship. 'It's not much after
+eight yet,' he added, staring at his watch, and with difficulty making out
+that it was half-past. 'Days take off terribly about this time of year,' he
+observed; 'I've seen about Christmas when it has never been rightly light
+all day long.'</p>
+
+<p>They then floundered on again for some time further as before.</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder if we have a large field,' at length observed Jack,
+bringing his hack alongside his lordship's.</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder if Puff himself was to come&mdash;all over brooches and rings
+as usual,' replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'And Charley Slapp, I'll be bund to say,' observed Jack. 'He a regular
+hanger-on of Puff's.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ass, that Slapp,' said his lordship; 'hate the sight of him!'</p>
+
+<p>'So do I,' replied Jack, adding, 'hate a hanger-on!'</p>
+
+<p>'There are the hounds,' said his lordship, as they now approached Culverton
+Dean, and a line of something white was discernible travelling the
+zig-zagging road on the opposite side.</p>
+
+<p>'Are they, think you?' replied Jack, staring through his great spectacles;
+'are they, think you? It looks to me more like a flock of sheep.'</p>
+
+<p>'I believe you're right,' said his lordship, staring too; 'indeed, I hear
+the dog. The hounds, however, can't be far ahead.'</p>
+
+<p>They then drew into single file to take the broken horse-track through the
+steep woody dean.</p>
+
+<p>'This is the longest sixteen miles I know,' observed Jack, as they emerged
+from it, and overtook the sheep.</p>
+
+<p>'It is,' replied his lordship, spurring his hack, who was now beginning to
+lag: 'the fact is, it's eighteen,' he continued; 'only if I was to tell
+Frosty it was<a name="Page_255" id="Page_255"></a> eighteen, he would want to lay overnight, and that wouldn't
+do. Besides the trouble and inconvenience, it would spoil the best part of
+a five-pund note; and five-pund notes don't grow upon gooseberry-bushes&mdash;at
+least, not in my garden.'</p>
+
+<p>'Rather scarce in all gardens just now, I think,' observed Jack; 'at least,
+I never hear of anybody with one to spare.'</p>
+
+<p>'Money's like snow,' said his lordship, 'a very meltable article; and
+talking of snow,' he said, looking up at the heavy clouds, 'I wish we
+mayn't be going to have some&mdash;I don't like the look of things overhead.'</p>
+
+<p>'Heavy,' replied Jack; 'heavy: however, it's due about now.'</p>
+
+<p>'Due or not due,' said his lordship, 'it's a thing one never wishes to
+come; anybody may have my share of snow that likes&mdash;frost too.'</p>
+
+<p>The road, or rather track, now passed over Blobbington Moor, and our
+friends had enough to do to keep their horses out of peat-holes and bogs,
+without indulging in conversation. At length they cleared the moor, and,
+pulling out a gap at the corner of the inclosures, cut across a few fields,
+and got on to the Stumpington turnpike.</p>
+
+<p>'The hounds are here,' said Jack, after studying the muddy road for some
+time.</p>
+
+<p>'They'll not be there long,' replied his lordship, 'for Grabtintoll Gate
+isn't far ahead, and we don't waste our substance on pikes.'</p>
+
+<p>His lordship was right. The imprints soon diverged up a muddy lane on the
+right, and our sportsmen now got into a road so deep and bottomless as to
+put the idea of stones quite out of the question.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang the road!' exclaimed his lordship, as his hack nearly came on his
+nose, 'hang the road!' repeated he, adding, 'if Puff wasn't such an ass, I
+really think I'd give him up the cross-road country.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's bad to get at from us,' observed Jack, who didn't like such trashing
+distances.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! but it's a rare good country when you get to it,' replied his
+lordship, shortening his rein and spurring his steed.</p><p><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256"></a></p>
+
+<p>The lane being at length cleared, the road became more practicable, passing
+over large pastures where a horseman could choose his own ground, instead
+of being bound by the narrow limits of the law. But though the road
+improved, the day did not; a thick fog coming drifting up from the
+south-east in aid of the general obscurity of the scene.</p>
+
+<p>'The day's gettin' <i>wuss</i>,' observed Jack, snuffling and staring about.</p>
+
+<p>'It'll blow over,' replied his lordship, who was not easily disheartened.
+'It'll blow over,' repeated he, adding, 'often rare scents such days as
+these. But we must put on,' continued he, looking at his watch, 'for it's
+half-past, and we are a mile or more off yet.' So saying, he clapped spurs
+to his hack and shot away at a canter, followed by Jack at a long-drawn
+'hammer and pincers' trot.</p>
+
+<p>A hunt is something like an Assize circuit, where certain great guns show
+everywhere, and smaller men drop in here and there, snatching a day or a
+brief, as the case may be. Sergeant Bluff and Sergeant Huff rustle and
+wrangle in every court, while Mr. Meeke and Mr. Sneeke enjoy their frights
+on the forensic arenas of their respective towns, on behalf of simple
+neighbours, who look upon them as thorough Solomons. So with hunts. Certain
+men who seem to have been sent into the world for the express purpose of
+hunting, arrive at every meet, far and near, with a punctuality that is
+truly surprising, and rarely associated with pleasure.</p>
+
+<p>If you listen to their conversation, it is generally a dissertation on the
+previous day's sport, with inquiries as to the nearest way to cover the
+next. Sometimes it is seasoned with censure of some other pack they have
+been seeing. These men are mounted and appointed in a manner that shows
+what a perfect profession hunting is with them. Of course, they come
+cantering to cover, lest any one should suppose they ride their horses on.</p>
+
+<p>The 'Cross-roads' was like two hunts or two circuits joining, for it
+generally drew the picked men from each, to say nothing of outriggers and
+chance customers. The regular attendants of either hunt were sufficiently<a name="Page_257" id="Page_257"></a>
+distinguishable as well by the flat hats and baggy garments of the one, as
+by the dandified, Jemmy Jessamy air of the other. If a lord had not been at
+the head of the Flat Hats, the Puffington men would have considered them
+insufferable snobs. But to our day.</p>
+
+<p>As usual, where hounds have to travel a long distance, the field were
+assembled before they arrived. Almost all the cantering gentlemen had cast
+up.</p>
+
+<p>One cross-road meet being so much like another, it will not be worth while
+describing the one at Dallington Burn. The reader will have the kindness to
+imagine a couple of roads crossing an open common, with an armless
+sign-post on one side, and a rubble-stone bridge, with several of the
+coping-stones lying in the shallow stream below, on the other.</p>
+
+<p>The country round about, if any country could have been seen, would have
+shown wild, open, and cheerless. Here a patch of wood, there a patch of
+heath, but its general aspect bare and unfruitful. The commanding outline
+of Beechwood Forest was not visible for the weather. Time now, let us
+suppose, half-past ten, with a full muster of horsemen and a fog making
+unwonted dulness of the scene&mdash;the old sign-pole being the most conspicuous
+object of the whole.</p>
+
+<p>Hark! what a clamour there is about it. It's like a betting-post at
+Newmarket. How loud the people talk! What's the news? Queen Anne dead, or
+is there another French Revolution, or a fixed duty on corn? Reader, Mr.
+Puffington's hounds have had a run, and the Flat Hat men are disputing it.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing of the sort! nothing of the sort!' exclaims Fossick, 'I know every
+yard of the country, and you can't make more nor eight of it anyhow, if
+eight.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I've measured it on the map,' replied the speaker (Charley Slapp
+himself), 'and it's thirteen, if it's a yard.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then the country's grown bigger since my day,' rejoins Fossick, 'for I was
+dropped at Stubgrove, which is within a mile of where you found, and I've
+walked, and I've ridden, and I've driven every yard of the<a name="Page_258" id="Page_258"></a> distance, and
+you can't make it more than eight, if it's as much. Can you, Capon?'
+exclaimed Fossick, appealing to another of the 'flat brims,' whose luminous
+face now shone through the fog.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Capon, adding, 'not so much, I should say.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then up trotted Frostyface with the hounds.</p>
+
+<p>'Good morning, Frosty! good morning!' exclaim half-a-dozen voices, that it
+would be difficult to appropriate from the denseness of the fog. Frosty and
+the whips make a general salute with their caps.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Frosty, I suppose you've heard what a run we had yesterday?'
+exclaims Charley Slapp, as soon as Frosty and the hounds are settled.</p>
+
+<p>'Had they, sir&mdash;had they?' replies Frosty, with a slight touch of his cap
+and a sneer. 'Glad to hear it, sir&mdash;glad to hear it. Hope they killed,
+sir&mdash;hope they killed!' with a still slighter touch of the cap.</p>
+
+<p>'Killed, aye!&mdash;killed in the open just below Crabstone Green, in <i>your</i>
+country,' adding, 'It was one of your foxes, I believe.'</p>
+
+<p>'Glad of it, sir&mdash;glad of it, sir,' replies Frosty. 'They wanted blood
+sadly&mdash;they wanted blood sadly. Quite welcome to one of our foxes,
+sir&mdash;<i>quite</i> welcome. That's a brace and a 'alf they've killed.'</p>
+
+<p>'Brace and a ha-r-r-f!' drawls Slapp, in well-feigned disgust; 'brace and a
+ha-r-r-f!&mdash;why, it makes them ten brace, and six run to ground.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, don't tell <i>me</i>,' retorts Frosty, with a shake of disgust; 'don't tell
+me. I knows better&mdash;I knows better. They'd only killed a brace since they
+began hunting up to yesterday. The rest were all cubs, poor things!&mdash;all
+cubs, poor things! Mr. Puffington's hounds are not the sort of animals to
+kill foxes: nasty, skirtin', flashy, jealous divils; always starin' about
+for holloas and assistance. I'll be d&mdash;&mdash;d if I'd give eighteenpence for
+the 'ole lot on 'em.'</p>
+
+<p>A loud guffaw from the Flat Hat men greeted this wholesale condemnation.
+The Puffington men looked unutterable things, and there is no saying what
+disagreeable comparisons might have been instituted (for <a name="Page_259" id="Page_259"></a>the
+Puffingtonians mustered strong) had not his lordship and Jack cast up at
+the moment. Hats off and politeness was then the order of the day.</p>
+
+<p>'Mornin',' said his lordship, with a snatch of his hat in return, as he
+pulled up and stared into the cloud-enveloped crowd; 'Mornin', Fyle;
+mornin', Fossick,' he continued, as he distinguished those worthies, as
+much by their hats as anything else. 'Where are the horses?' he said to
+Frostyface.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image259.jpg" width="300" height="300" alt="JACK FROSTY AND CHARLEY SLAPP" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JACK FROSTY AND CHARLEY SLAPP</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Just beyond there, my lord,' replied the huntsman, pointing with his whip
+to where a cockaded servant was 'to-and-froing' a couple of hunters&mdash;a
+brown and a chestnut.</p>
+
+<p>'Let's be doing,' said his lordship, trotting up to them and throwing
+himself off his hack like a sack. Having divested himself of his muddy
+overalls, he<a name="Page_260" id="Page_260"></a> mounted the brown, a splendid sixteen-hands horse in tip-top
+condition, and again made for the field in all the pride of masterly
+equestrianism. A momentary gleam of sunshine shot o'er the scene; a jerk of
+the head acted as a signal to throw off, and away they all moved from the
+meet.</p>
+
+<p>Thorneybush Gorse was a large eight-acre cover, formed partly of gorse and
+partly of stunted blackthorn, with here and there a sprinkling of Scotch
+firs. His lordship paid two pounds a year for it, having vainly tried to
+get it for thirty shillings, which was about the actual value of the land,
+but the proprietor claimed a little compensation for the trampling of
+horses about it; moreover, the Puffington men would have taken it at two
+pounds. It was a sure find, and the hounds dashed into it with a scent.</p>
+
+<p>The field ranged themselves at the accustomed corner, both hunts full of
+their previous day's run. Frostyface's 'Yoicks, wind him!' 'Yoicks, push
+him up!' was drowned in a medley of voices.</p>
+
+<p>A loud, clear, shrill 'TALLY-HO, AWAY!' from the far side of the cover
+caused all tongues to stop, and all hands to drop on the reins. Great was
+the excitement! Each hunt was determined to take the shine out of the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang, twang, twang!' 'Tweet, tweet, tweet!' went his lordship's and
+Frostyface's horns, as they came bounding over the gorse to the spot, with
+the eager pack rushing at their horses' heels. Then as the hounds crossed
+the line of scent, there was such an outburst of melody in cover, and such
+gathering of reins and thrusting on of hats outside! The hounds dashed out
+of cover as if somebody was kicking them. A man in scarlet was seen flying
+through the fog, producing the usual hold-hardings. 'Hold hard, sir!' 'God
+bless you, hold hard, sir!' with inquiries as to 'who the chap was that was
+going to catch the fox.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's Lumpleg!' exclaimed one of the Flat Hat men.</p>
+
+<p>'No, it's not!' roared a Puffingtonite; 'Lumpleg's here.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then it's Charley Slapp; he's always doing it,'<a name="Page_261" id="Page_261"></a> rejoined the first
+speaker. 'Most jealous man in the world.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is he!' exclaimed Slapp, cantering past at his ease on a thoroughbred
+grey, as if he could well afford to dispense with a start.</p>
+
+<p>Reader! it was neither Lumpleg nor Slapp, nor any of the Puffington snobs,
+or Flat Hat swells, or Puffington swells, or Flat Hat snobs. It was our old
+friend Sponge; Monsieur Tonson again! Having arrived late, he had posted
+himself, unseen, by the cover side, and the fox had broke close to him.
+Unfortunately, he had headed him back, and a pretty kettle of fish was the
+result. Not only had he headed him back, but the resolute chestnut, having
+taken it into his head to run away, had snatched the bit between his teeth;
+and carried him to the far side of a field ere Sponge managed to
+man&#339;uvre him round on a very liberal semi-circle, and face the now
+flying sportsmen, who came hurrying on through the mist like a charge of
+yeomanry after a salute. All was excitement, hurry-scurry, and
+horse-hugging, with the usual spurring, elbowing, and exertion to get into
+places, Mr. Fossick considering he had as much right to be before Mr. Fyle
+as Mr. Fyle had to be before old Capon.</p>
+
+<p>It apparently being all the same to the chestnut which way he went so long
+as he had his run, he now bore Sponge back as quickly as he had carried him
+away, and with yawning mouth, and head in the air, he dashed right at the
+coming horsemen, charging Lord Scamperdale full tilt as he was in the act
+of returning his horn to its case. Great was the collision! His lordship
+flew one way, his horse another, his hat a third, his whip a fourth, his
+spectacles a fifth; in fact, he was scattered all over. In an instant he
+lay the centre of a circle, kicking on his back like a lively turtle.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! I'm kilt!' he roared, striking out as if he was swimming, or rather
+floating. 'I'm kilt!' he repeated. 'He's broken my back&mdash;he's broken my
+legs&mdash;he's broken my ribs&mdash;he's broken my collar-bone&mdash;he's knocked my
+right eye into the heel of my left boot. Oh! will nobody catch him and kill
+him? Will nobody<a name="Page_262" id="Page_262"></a> do for him? Will you see an English nobleman knocked
+about like a ninepin?' added his lordship, scrambling up to go in pursuit
+of Mr. Sponge himself, exclaiming, as he stood shaking his fist at him,
+'Rot ye, sir! hangin's too good for ye! you should be condemned to hunt in
+Berwickshire the rest of your life!'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXX" id="CHAPTER_XXX"></a>CHAPTER XXX</h2>
+
+<h3>BOLTING THE BADGER</h3>
+
+
+<p>When a man and his horse differ seriously in public, and the man feels the
+horse has the best of it, it is wise for the man to appear to accommodate
+his views to those of the horse, rather than risk a defeat. It is best to
+let the horse go his way, and pretend it is yours. There is no secret so
+close as that between a rider and his horse.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, having scattered Lord Scamperdale in the summary way described
+in our last chapter, let the chestnut gallop away, consoling himself with
+the idea that even if the hounds did hunt, it would be impossible for him
+to show his horse to advantage on so dark and unfavourable a day. He,
+therefore, just let the beast gallop till he began to flag, and then he
+spurred him and made him gallop on his account. He thus took his change out
+of him, and arrived at Jawleyford Court a little after luncheon time.</p>
+
+<p>Brief as had been his absence, things had undergone a great change. Certain
+dark hints respecting his ways and means had worked their way from the
+servants' hall to my lady's chamber, and into the upper regions generally.
+These had been augmented by Leather's, the trusty groom's, overnight visit,
+in fulfilment of his engagement to sup with the servants. Nor was Mr.
+Leather's anger abated by the unceremonious way Mr. Sponge rode off with
+the horse, leaving him to hear of his departure from the ostler. Having
+broken faith with him, he considered it his duty to be 'upsides' with him,
+and tell the servants all he knew about him. Accordingly<a name="Page_263" id="Page_263"></a> he let out, in
+strict confidence of course, to Spigot, that so far from Mr. Sponge being a
+gentleman of 'fortin,' as he called it, with a dozen or two hunters planted
+here and there, he was nothing but the hirer of a couple of hacks, with
+himself as a job-groom, by the week. Spigot, who was on the best of terms
+with the 'cook-housekeeper,' and had his clothes washed on the sly in the
+laundry, could not do less than communicate the intelligence to her, from
+whom it went to the lady's-maid, and thence circulated in the upper
+regions.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 238px;">
+<img src="images/image263.jpg" width="238" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Juliana, the maid, finding Miss Amelia less indisposed to hear Mr. Sponge
+run down than she expected, proceeded to add her own observations to the
+information derived from Leather, the groom. 'Indeed, she couldn't say that
+she thought much of Mr. Sponge herself; his shirts were coarse, so were his
+pocket-handkerchiefs; and she never yet saw a real gent without a valet.'</p>
+
+<p>Amelia, without any positive intention of giving up Mr. Sponge, at least
+not until she saw further, had nevertheless got an idea that she was
+destined for a much higher sphere. Having duly considered all the
+circumstances of Mr. Spraggon's visit to Jawleyford Court, conned over
+several mysterious coughs and half-finished sentences he had indulged in,
+she had about come to the conclusion that the real object of his mission
+was to negotiate a matrimonial alliance on behalf of Lord Scamperdale. His
+lordship's constantly expressed intention of getting married was well
+calculated to mislead one whose experience of the world was not
+<a name="Page_264" id="Page_264"></a>sufficiently great to know that those men who are always talking about it
+are the least likely to get married, just as men who are always talking
+about buying horses are the men who never do buy them. Be that, however, as
+it may, Amelia was tolerably easy about Mr. Sponge. If he had money she
+could take him; if he hadn't, she could let him alone.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford, too, who was more hospitable at a distance, and in imagination
+than in reality, had had about enough of our friend. Indeed, a man whose
+talk was of hunting, and his reading <i>Mogg</i> was not likely to have much in
+common with a gentleman of taste and elegance, as our friend set up to be.
+The delicate inquiry that Mrs. Jawleyford now made, as to 'whether he knew
+Mr. Sponge to be a man of fortune,' set him off at a tangent.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Me</span> know he's a man of fortune! <i>I</i> know nothing of his fortune.
+You asked him here, not <span class="smcap">me</span>,' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping
+furiously.</p>
+
+<p>'No, my dear,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford mildly; 'he asked himself, you know;
+but I thought, perhaps, you might have said something that&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Me</span> say anything!' interrupted Jawleyford. '<i>I</i> never said
+anything&mdash;at least, nothing that any man with a particle of sense would
+think anything of,' continued he, remembering the scene in the
+billiard-room. 'It's one thing to tell a man, if he comes your way, you'll
+be glad to see him, and another to ask him to come bag and baggage, as this
+impudent Mr. Sponge has done,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who saw where the shoe was pinching
+her bear.</p>
+
+<p>'I wish he was off,' observed Jawleyford, after a pause. 'He bothers me
+excessively&mdash;I'll try and get rid of him by saying we are going from home.'</p>
+
+<p>'Where can you say we are going to?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, anywhere,' replied Jawleyford; 'he doesn't know the people about here:
+the Tewkesbury's, the Woolerton's, the Brown's&mdash;anybody.'</p>
+
+<p>Before they had got any definite plan of proceeding arranged, Mr. Sponge
+returned from the chase. <a name="Page_265" id="Page_265"></a>'Ah, my dear sir!' exclaimed Jawleyford,
+half-gaily, half-moodily, extending a couple of fingers as Sponge entered
+his study: 'we thought you had taken French leave of us, and were off.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge asked if his groom had not delivered his note.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jawleyford boldly, though he had it in his pocket; 'at least,
+not that I've seen. Mrs. Jawleyford, perhaps, may have got it,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Sponge; 'it was very idle of him.' He then proceeded to
+detail to Jawleyford what the reader already knows, how he had lost his day
+at Larkhall Hill, and had tried to make up for it by going to the
+cross-roads. 'Ah!' exclaimed Jawleyford, when he was done; 'that's a
+pity&mdash;great pity&mdash;monstrous pity&mdash;never knew anything so unlucky in my
+life.'</p>
+
+<p>'Misfortunes will happen,' replied Sponge, in a tone of unconcern.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, it wasn't so much the loss of the hunt I was thinking of,' replied
+Jawleyford, 'as the arrangements we have made in consequence of thinking
+you were gone.'</p>
+
+<p>'What are they?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, my Lord Barker, a great friend of ours&mdash;known him from a boy&mdash;just
+like brothers, in short&mdash;sent over this morning to ask us all
+there&mdash;shooting party, charades, that sort of thing&mdash;and we accepted.'</p>
+
+<p>'But that need make no difference,' replied Sponge; 'I'll go too.'</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford was taken aback. He had not calculated upon so much coolness.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' stammered he, 'that might do, to be sure; but&mdash;if&mdash;I'm not quite
+sure that I could take any one&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'But if you're as thick as you say, you can have no difficulty,' replied
+our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Jawleyford; 'but then we go a large party ourselves&mdash;two
+and two's four,' said he, 'to say nothing of servants; besides, his
+lordship mayn't have room&mdash;house will most likely be full.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, a single man can always be put up; shake-down&mdash;anything does for him,'
+replied Sponge. <a name="Page_266" id="Page_266"></a>'But you would lose your hunting,' replied Jawleyford.
+'Barkington Tower is quite out of Lord Scamperdale's country.'</p>
+
+<p>'That doesn't matter,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I don't think I'll trouble
+his lordship much more. These Flat Hat gentlemen are not over and above
+civil, in my opinion.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Jawleyford, nettled at this thwarting of his attempt,
+'that's for your consideration. However, as you've come, I'll talk to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, and see if we can get off the Barkington expedition.'</p>
+
+<p>'But don't get off on my account,' replied Sponge. 'I can stay here quite
+well. I dare say you'll not be away long.'</p>
+
+<p>This was worse still; it held out no hope of getting rid of him. Jawleyford
+therefore resolved to try and smoke and starve him out. When our friend
+went to dress, he found his old apartment, the state-room, put away, the
+heavy brocade curtains brown-hollanded, the jugs turned upside down, the
+bed stripped of its clothes and the looking-glass laid a-top of it.</p>
+
+<p>The smirking housemaid, who was just rolling the fire-irons up in the
+hearth-rug, greeted him with a 'Please, sir, we've shifted you into the
+brown room, east,' leading the way to the condemned cell that 'Jack' had
+occupied, where a newly lit fire was puffing out dense clouds of brown
+smoke, obscuring even the gilt letters on the back of <i>Mogg's Cab Fares</i>,
+as the little volume lay on the toilet-table.</p>
+
+<p>'What's happened now?' asked our friend of the maid, putting his arm round
+her waist, and giving her a hearty squeeze. 'What's happened now, that
+you've put me into this dog-hole?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! I don't know,' replied she, laughing; 'I s'pose they're afraid you'll
+bring the old rotten curtains down in the other room with smokin'. Master's
+a sad old wife,' added she.</p>
+
+<p>A great change had come over everything. The fare, the lights, the footmen,
+the everything, underwent grievous diminution. The lamps were extinguished,
+and the transparent wax gave way to Palmer's composites, <a name="Page_267" id="Page_267"></a>under the mild
+influence of whose unsearching light the young ladies sported their dashed
+dresses with impunity. Competition between them, indeed, was about an end.
+Amelia claimed Mr. Sponge, should he be worth having, and should the
+Scamperdale scheme fail; while Emily, having her mamma's assurance that he
+would not do for either of them, resigned herself complacently to what she
+could not help.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 272px;">
+<img src="images/image267.jpg" width="272" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, on his part, saw that all things portended a close. He cared
+nothing about the old willow-pattern set usurping the place of the
+Jawleyford-armed china; but the contents of the dishes were bad, and the
+wine, if possible, worse. Most palpable Marsala did duty for sherry, and
+the corked port was again in requisition. <a name="Page_268" id="Page_268"></a>Jawleyford was no longer the
+brisk, cheery-hearted Jawleyford of Laverick Wells, but a crusty, fidgety,
+fire-stirring sort of fellow, desperately given to his <i>Morning Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Worst of all, when Mr. Sponge retired to his den to smoke a cigar and study
+his dear cab fares, he was so suffocated with smoke that he was obliged to
+put out the fire, notwithstanding the weather was cold, indeed inclining to
+frost. He lit his cigar notwithstanding; and, as he indulged in it, he ran
+all the circumstances of his situation through his mind. His pressing
+invitation&mdash;his magnificent reception&mdash;the attention of the ladies&mdash;and now
+the sudden change everything had taken. He couldn't make it out, somehow;
+but the consequences were plain enough. 'The fellow's a humbug,' at length
+said he, throwing the cigar-end away, and turning into bed, when the
+information Watson the keeper gave him on arriving recurred to his mind,
+and he was satisfied that Jawleyford was a humbug. It was clear Mr. Sponge
+had made a mistake in coming; the best thing he could do now was to back
+out, and see if the fair Amelia would take it to heart. In the midst of his
+cogitations Mr. Puffington's pressing invitation occurred to his mind, and
+it appeared to be the very thing for him, affording him an immediate asylum
+within reach of the fair lady, should she be likely to die.</p>
+
+<p>Next day he wrote to volunteer a visit.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington, who was still in ignorance of our friend's real character,
+and still believed him to be a second 'Nimrod' out on a 'tour,' was
+overjoyed at his letter; and, strange to relate, the same post that brought
+his answer jumping at the proposal, brought a letter from Lord Scamperdale
+to Jawleyford, saying that, 'as soon as Jawleyford was <i>quite alone</i>
+(scored under) he would like to pay him a visit.' His lordship, we should
+inform the reader, notwithstanding his recent mishap, still held out
+against Jack Spraggon's recommendation to get rid of Mr. Sponge by buying
+his horses, and he determined to try this experiment first. His lordship
+thought at one time of entering into an explanation, <a name="Page_269" id="Page_269"></a>telling Mr.
+Jawleyford the damage Sponge had done him, and the nuisance he was
+entailing upon him by harbouring him; but not being a great scholar, and
+several hard words turning up that his lordship could not well clear in the
+spelling, he just confined himself to a laconic, which, as it turned out,
+was a most fortunate course. Indeed, he had another difficulty besides the
+spelling, for the hounds having as usual had a great run after Mr. Sponge
+had floored him&mdash;knocked his right eye into the heel of his left boot, as
+he said&mdash;in the course of which run his lordship's horse had rolled over
+him on a road, he was like the railway people&mdash;unable to distinguish
+between capital and income&mdash;unable to say which were Sponge's bangs and
+which his own; so, like a hard cricket-ball sort of a man as he was, he
+just pocketed all, and wrote as we have described.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship's and Mr. Puffington's letters diffused joy into a house that
+seemed likely to be distracted with trouble.</p>
+
+<p>So then endeth our thirtieth chapter, and a very pleasant ending it is, for
+we leave everyone in perfect good humour and spirits, Sponge pleased at
+having got a fresh billet, Jawleyford delighted at the coming of the lord,
+and each fair lady practising in private how to sign her Christian name in
+conjunction with 'Scamperdale.'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXI" id="CHAPTER_XXXI"></a>CHAPTER XXXI</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. PUFFINGTON; OR THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN</h3>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington took the Mangeysterne, now the Hanby hounds, because he
+thought they would give him consequence. Not that he was particularly
+deficient in that article; but being a new man in the county, he thought
+that taking them would make him popular, and give him standing. He had no
+natural inclination for hunting, but seeing friends who had no taste for
+the turf take upon themselves the responsibility <a name="Page_270" id="Page_270"></a>of stewardships, he saw
+no reason why he should not make a similar sacrifice at the shrine of
+Diana. Indeed, Puff was not bred for a sportsman. His father, a most
+estimable man, and one with whom we have spent many a convivial evening,
+was a great starch-maker at Stepney; and his mother was the daughter of an
+eminent Worcestershire stone-china maker. Save such ludicrous hunts as they
+might have seen on their brown jugs, we do not believe either of them had
+any acquaintance whatever with the chase. Old Puffington was, however, what
+a wise heir esteems a great deal more&mdash;an excellent man of business, and
+amassed mountains of money. To see his establishment at Stepney, one would
+think the whole world was going to be starched. Enormous dock-tailed
+dray-horses emerged with ponderous waggons heaped up to the very skies,
+while others would come rumbling in, laden with wheat, potatoes, and other
+starch-making ingredients. Puffington's blue roans were well known about
+town, and were considered the handsomest horses of the day; quite equal to
+Barclay and Perkin's piebalds.</p>
+
+<p>Old Puffington was not like a sportsman. He was a little, soft, rosy,
+roundabout man, with stiff resolute legs that did not look as if they could
+be bent to a saddle. He was great, however, in a gig, and slouched like a
+sack.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Puffington, <i>n&eacute;e</i> Smith, was a tall handsome woman, who thought a good
+deal of herself. When she and her spouse married, they lived close to the
+manufactory, in a sweet little villa replete with every elegance and
+convenience&mdash;a pond, which they called a lake&mdash;laburnums without end; a
+yew, clipped into a dock-tailed waggon-horse; standing for three horses and
+gigs, with an acre and half of land for a cow.</p>
+
+<p>Old Puffington, however, being unable to keep those dearest documents of
+the British merchant, his balance-sheets, to himself, and Mrs. Puffington
+finding a considerable sum going to the 'good' every year, insisted, on the
+birth of their only child, our friend, upon migrating to the 'west,' as she
+called it, and at one bold stroke they established themselves in Heathcote
+Street, <a name="Page_271" id="Page_271"></a>Mecklenburgh Square. Novelists had not then written this part down
+as 'Mesopotamia,' and it was quite as genteel as Harley or Wimpole Street
+are now. Their chief object then was to increase their wealth and make
+their only son 'a gentleman.' They sent him to Eton, and in due time to
+Christ Church, where, of course, he established a red coat to persecute Sir
+Thomas Mostyn's and the Duke of Beaufort's hounds, much to the annoyance of
+their respective huntsmen, Stephen Goodall and Philip Payne, and the
+aggravation of poor old Griff. Lloyd.</p>
+
+<p>What between the field and college, young Puffington made the acquaintance
+of several very dashing young sparks&mdash;Lord Firebrand, Lord Mudlark, Lord
+Deuceace, Sir Harry Blueun, and others, whom he always spoke of as
+'Deuceace,' 'Blueun,' etc., in the easy style that marks the perfect
+gentleman.<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> How proud the old people were of him! How they would sit
+listening to him, flashing, and telling how Deuceace and he floored a
+Charley, or Blueun and he pitched a snob out of the boxes into the pit.
+This was in the old Tom-and-Jerry days, when fisticuffs were the fashion.
+One evening, after he had indulged us with a more than usual dose, and was
+leaving the room to dress for an eight o'clock dinner at Long's, 'Buzzer!'
+exclaimed the old man, clutching our arm, as the tears started to his eyes,
+'Buzzer! that's an am<i>aa</i>zin' instance of a pop'lar man!' And certainly, if
+a large acquaintance is a criterion of popularity, young Puffington, as he
+was then called, had his fair share. He once did us the honour&mdash;an honour
+we shall never forget&mdash;of walking down Bond Street with us, in the
+spring-tide of fashion, of a glorious summer's day, when you could not
+cross Conduit Street under a lapse of a quarter of an hour, and carriages
+seemed to have come to an interminable lock at the Piccadilly end of the
+street. In those days great people went about like great people, in
+handsome hammer-clothed, arms-emblazoned coaches, with plethoric
+three-corner-hatted coachmen, and gigantic, lace-bedizened,
+quivering-calved Johnnies, instead of <a name="Page_272" id="Page_272"></a>rumbling along like apothecaries in
+pill-boxes, with a handle inside to let themselves out. Young men, too,
+dressed as if they were dressed&mdash;as if they were got up with some care and
+attention&mdash;instead of wearing the loose, careless, flowing, sack-like
+garments they do now.</p>
+
+<p>We remember the day as if it were but yesterday; Puffington overtook us in
+Oxford Street, where we were taking our usual sauntering stare into the
+shop windows, and instead of shirking or slipping behind our back, he
+actually ran his arm up to the hilt in ours, and turned us into the middle
+of the flags, with an 'Ah, Buzzer, old boy, what are you doing in this
+debauched part of the town? Come along with me, and I'll show you Life!'</p>
+
+<p>So saying he linked arms, and pursuing our course at a proper kill-time
+sort of pace, we were at length brought up at the end of Vere Street, along
+which there was a regular rush of carriages, cutting away as if they were
+going to a fire instead of to a finery shop.</p>
+
+<p>Many were the smiles, and bows, and nods, and finger kisses, and bright
+eyes, and sweet glances, that the fair flyers shot at our friend as they
+darted past. We were lost in astonishment at the sight. 'Verily,' said we,
+'but the old man was right. This <i>is</i> an am<i>aa</i>zin' instance of a pop'lar
+man.'</p>
+
+<p>Young Puffington was then in the heyday of youth, about one-and-twenty or
+so, fair-haired, fresh-complexioned, slim, and standing, with the aid of
+high-heeled boots, little under six feet high. He had taken after his
+mother, not after old Tom Trodgers, as they called his papa. At length we
+crossed over Oxford Street, and taking the shady side of Bond Street, were
+quickly among the real swells of the world&mdash;men who crawled along as if
+life was a perfect burden to them&mdash;men with eye-glasses fixed and tasselled
+canes in their hands, scarcely less ponderous than those borne by the
+footmen. Great Heavens! but they were tight, and smart, and shiny; and
+Puffington was just as tight, and smart, and shiny as any of them. He was
+as much in his element here as he appeared to be out of it in Oxford
+Street. It might be prejudice, or want of penetration <a name="Page_273" id="Page_273"></a>on our part, but we
+thought he looked as high-bred as any of them. They all seemed to know each
+other, and the nodding, and winking, and jerking, began as soon as we got
+across. Puff kindly acted as cicerone, or we should not have been aware of
+the consequence we were encountering.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Jemmy!' exclaimed a debauched-looking youth to our friend, 'how are
+you?&mdash;breakfasted yet?'</p>
+
+<p>'Going to,' replied Puffington, whom they called Jemmy because his name was
+Tommy.</p>
+
+<p>'That,' said he, in an undertone, 'is a <i>capital</i> fellow&mdash;Lord Legbail,
+eldest son of the Marquis of Loosefish&mdash;will be Lord Loosefish. We were at
+the Finish together till six this morning&mdash;such fun!&mdash;bonneted a Charley,
+stole his rattle, and broke an early breakfast-man's stall all to shivers.'
+Just then up came a broad-brimmed hat, above a confused mass of greatcoats
+and coloured shawls.</p>
+
+<p>'Holloa, Jack!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, laying hold of a mother-of-pearl
+button nearly as large as a tart-plate, 'not off yet?'</p>
+
+<p>'Just going,' replied Jack, with a touch of his hat, as he rolled on,
+adding, 'want aught down the road?'</p>
+
+<p>'What coachman is that?' asked we.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Coachman!</i>' replied Puff, with a snort. 'That's Jack Linchpin&mdash;Honourable
+Jack Linchpin&mdash;son of Lord Splinterbars&mdash;best gentleman coachman in
+England.'</p>
+
+<p>So Puffington sauntered along, good morninging 'Sir Harrys' and 'Sir
+Jameses,' and 'Lord Johns' and 'Lord Toms,' till, seeing a batch of
+irreproachable dandies flattening their noses against the windows of the
+Sailors' Old Club, in whose eyes, he perhaps thought, our city coat and
+country gaiters would not find much favour, he gave us a hasty parting
+squeeze of the arm and bolted into Long's just as a mountainous
+hackney-coach was rumbling between us and them.</p>
+
+<p>But to the old man. Time rolled on, and at length old Puffington paid the
+debt of nature&mdash;the only debt, by the way, that he was slow in
+discharging&mdash;and our friend found himself in possession, not only of the
+starch manufactory, but of a very great accumulation of consols&mdash;so great
+that, though starch is as inoffensive <a name="Page_274" id="Page_274"></a>a thing as a man can well deal in, a
+thing that never obtrudes itself, or, indeed appears in a shop unless it is
+asked for&mdash;notwithstanding all this, and though it was bringing him in lots
+of money, our friend determined to 'cut the shop' and be done with trade
+altogether.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, he sold the premises and good-will, with all the stock of
+potatoes and wheat, to the foreman, old Soapsuds, at something below what
+they were really worth, rather than make any row in the way of advertising;
+and the name of 'Soapsuds, Brothers &amp; Co.' reigns on the
+blue-and-whitey-brown parcel-ends, where formerly that of Puffington stood
+supreme.</p>
+
+<p>It is a melancholy fact, which those best acquainted with London society
+can vouch for, that her 'swells' are a very ephemeral race. Take the last
+five-and-twenty years&mdash;say from the days of the Golden Ball and Pea-green
+Hayne down to those of Molly C&mdash;&mdash;l and Mr. D-l-f-ld&mdash;and see what a
+succession of joyous&mdash;no, not joyous, but rattling, careless, dashing,
+sixty-percenting youths we have had.</p>
+
+<p>And where are they all now? Some dead, some at Boulogne-sur-Mer, some in
+Denman Lodge, some perhaps undergoing the polite attentions of Mr.
+Commissioner Phillips, or figuring in Mr. Hemp's periodical publication of
+gentlemen 'who are wanted.'</p>
+
+<p>In speaking of 'swells,' of course we are not alluding to men with
+reference to their clothes alone, but to men whose dashing, and perhaps
+eccentric, exteriors are but indicative of their general system of
+extravagance. The man who rests his claims to distinction solely on his
+clothes will very soon find himself in want of society. Many things
+contribute to thin the ranks of our swells. Many, as we said before, outrun
+the constable. Some get fat, some get married, some get tired, and a few
+get wiser. There is, however, always a fine pushing crop coming on. A man
+like Puffington, who starts a dandy (in contradistinction to a swell), and
+adheres steadily to clothes&mdash;talking eternally of the cuts of coats or the
+ties of cravats&mdash;up to the sober age of forty, must be always falling back
+on the rising generation for society.</p>
+
+<p>Puffington was not what the old ladies call a profligate <a name="Page_275" id="Page_275"></a>young man. On the
+contrary, he was naturally a nice, steady young man; and only indulged in
+the vagaries we have described because they were indulged in by the
+high-born and gay.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and Jerry had a great deal to answer for in the way of leading
+soft-headed young men astray; and old Puffington having had the misfortune
+to christen our friend 'Thomas,' of course his companions dubbed him
+'Corinthian Tom'; by which name he has been known ever since.</p>
+
+<p>A man of such undoubted wealth could not be otherwise than a great
+favourite with the fair, and innumerable were the invitations that poured
+into his chambers in the Albany&mdash;dinner parties, evening parties, balls,
+concerts, boxes for the opera; and as each succeeding season drew to a
+close, invitations to those last efforts of the desperate, boating and
+whitebait parties.</p>
+
+<p>Corinthian Tom went to them all&mdash;at least, to as many as he could
+manage&mdash;always dressing in the most exemplary way, as though he had been
+asked to show his fine clothes instead of to make love to the ladies.
+Manifold were the hopes and expectations that he raised. Puff could not
+understand that, though it is all very well to be 'an am<i>aa</i>zin' instance
+of a pop'lar man' with the men, that the same sort of thing does not do
+with the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>We have heard that there were six mammas, bowling about in their barouches,
+at the close of his second season, innuendoing, nodding, and hinting to
+their friends, 'that, &amp;c.,' when there wasn't one of their daughters who
+had penetrated the rhinoceros-like hide of his own conceit. The consequence
+was that all these ladies, all their daughters, all the relations and
+connexions of this life, thought it incumbent upon them to 'blow' our
+friend Puff&mdash;proclaim how infamously he had behaved&mdash;all because he had
+danced three supper dances with one girl, brought another a fine bouquet
+from Covent Garden, walked a third away from her party at a picnic at
+Erith, begged the mamma of a fourth to take her to a Woolwich ball, sent a
+fifth a ticket for a Toxophilite meeting, and dangled about the carriage of
+the sixth at a review at the Scrubbs. Poor Puff never <a name="Page_276" id="Page_276"></a>thought of being
+more than an am<i>aa</i>zin' instance of a pop'lar man!</p>
+
+<p>Not that the ladies' denunciations did the Corinthian any harm at
+first&mdash;old ladies know each other better than that; and each new mamma had
+no doubt but Mrs. Depecarde or Mrs. Mainchance, as the case might be, had
+been deceiving herself&mdash;'was always doing so, indeed; her ugly girls were
+not likely to attract any one&mdash;certainly not such an elegant man as
+Corinthian Tom.'</p>
+
+<p>But as season after season passed away, and the Corinthian still played the
+old game&mdash;still went the old rounds&mdash;the dinner and ball invitations
+gradually dwindled away, till he became a mere stop-gap at the one, and a
+landing-place appendage at the other.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 270px;">
+<img src="images/image276.jpg" width="270" height="300" alt="MR. PUFFINGTON, FROM THE ORIGINAL PICTURE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. PUFFINGTON, FROM THE ORIGINAL PICTURE</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXII" id="CHAPTER_XXXII"></a>CHAPTER XXXII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE MAN OF P-R-O-R-PERTY</h3>
+
+
+<p>And now behold Mr. Puffington, fat, fair, and rather more than
+forty&mdash;Puffington, no longer the light limber lad who patronized us in Bond
+Street, but Puffington a plump, portly sort of personage, filling his smart
+clothes uncommonly full. Men no longer hailing him heartily from bay
+windows, or greeting him cheerily in short but familiar terms, but bowing
+ceremoniously as they passed with their wives, or perhaps turning down
+streets or into shops to avoid him. What is the last rose of summer to do
+under such circumstances? What, indeed, but retire into the country? A man
+may shine there long after he is voted a bore in town, provided none of his
+old friends are there to proclaim him. Country people are tolerant of
+twaddle, and slow of finding things out for themselves. Puff now turned his
+attention to the country, or rather to the advertisements of estates for
+sale, and immortal George Robins soon fitted him with one of his earthly
+paradises; a mansion replete with every modern elegance, luxury, and
+convenience, situated in the heart of the most lovely scenery in the world,
+with eight hundred acres of land of the finest quality, capable of growing
+forty bushels of wheat after turnips. In addition to the estate there was a
+lordship or reputed lordship to shoot over, a river to fish in, a pack of
+fox-hounds to hunt with, and the advertisements gave a sly hint as to the
+possibility of the property influencing the representation of the
+neighbouring borough of Swillingford, if not of returning the member
+itself.</p>
+
+<p>This was Hanby House, and though the description undoubtedly partook of
+George's usual high-flown <i>couleur-de-rose</i> style, the manor being only a
+manor provided the owner sacrificed his interest in Swillingford by driving
+off its poachers, and the river being only a river when the tiny Swill was
+swollen into one, still Hanby House was a very nice attractive sort of
+place, and seen in the rich foliage of its summer dress, with all its roses
+<a name="Page_278" id="Page_278"></a>and flowering shrubs in full blow, the description was not so wide of the
+mark as Robins's descriptions usually were. Puff bought it, and became what
+he called 'a man of p-r-o-r-perty.' To be sure, after he got possession he
+found that it was only an acre here and there that would grow forty bushels
+of wheat after turnips, and that there was a good deal more to do at the
+house than he expected, the furniture of the late occupants having hidden
+many defects, added to which they had walked off with almost everything
+they could wrench down, under the name of fixtures; indeed, there was not a
+peg to hang up his hat when he entered. This, however, was nothing, and
+Puff very soon made it into one of the most perfect bachelor residences
+that ever was seen. Not but that it was a family house, with good nurseries
+and offices of every description; but Puff used to take a sort of wicked
+pleasure in telling the ladies who came trooping over with their daughters,
+pretending they thought he was from home, and wishing to see the elegant
+furniture, that there was nothing in the nurseries, which he was going to
+convert into billiard and smoking-rooms. This, and a few similar sallies,
+earned our friend the reputation of a wit in the country.</p>
+
+<p>There was great rush of gentlemen to call upon him; many of the mammas
+seemed to think that first come would be first served, and sent their
+husbands over before he was fairly squatted. Various and contradictory were
+the accounts they brought home. Men are so stupid at seeing and remembering
+things. Old Mr. Muddle came back bemused with sherry, declaring that he
+thought Mr. Puffington was as old as he was (sixty-two), while Mrs.
+Mousetrap thought he wasn't more than thirty at the outside. She described
+him as 'painfully handsome.' Mr. Slowan couldn't tell whether the
+drawing-room furniture was chintz, or damask, or what it was; indeed, he
+wasn't sure that he was in the drawing-room at all; while Mr. Gapes
+insisted that the carpet was a Turkey carpet, whereas it was a royal cut
+pile. It might be that the smartness and freshness of everything confused
+the bucolic minds, little accustomed to wholesale grandeur.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279"></a>Mr. Puffington quite eclipsed all the old country families with their
+'company rooms' and put-away furniture. Then, when he began to grind about
+the country in his lofty mail-phaeton, with a pair of spanking,
+high-stepping bays, and a couple of arm-folded, lolling grooms, shedding
+his cards in return for their calls, there was such a talk, such a
+commotion, as had never been known before. Then, indeed, he was appreciated
+at his true worth.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 272px;">
+<img src="images/image279.jpg" width="272" height="300" alt="AN &#39;AMA-A-ZIN&#39; POP&#39;LAR&#39; MAN" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN &#39;AMA-A-ZIN&#39; POP&#39;LAR&#39; MAN</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Mr. Puffington was here the other day,' said Mrs. Smirk to Mrs. Smooth, in
+the well-known 'great-deal-more-meant-than-said' style. 'Oh such a charming
+man! Such ease! such manners! such knowledge of high life!' <a name="Page_280" id="Page_280"></a>Puff had been
+at his old tricks. He had resuscitated Lord Legbail, now Earl of Loosefish;
+imported Sir Harry Blueun from somewhere near Geneva, whither he had
+retired on marrying his mistress; and resuscitated Lord Mudlark, who had
+broken his neck many years before from his tandem in Piccadilly. Whatever
+was said, Puff always had a duplicate or illustration involving a nobleman.
+The great names might be rather far-fetched at times, to be sure, but when
+people are inclined to be pleased they don't keep putting that and that
+together to see how they fit, and whether they come naturally or are lugged
+in neck and heels. Puff's talk was very telling.</p>
+
+<p>One great man to a house is the usual country allowance, and many are not
+very long in letting out who theirs are; but Puffington seemed to have the
+whole peerage, baronetage, and knightage at command. Old Mrs. Slyboots,
+indeed, thought that he must be connected with the peerage some way; his
+mother, perhaps, had been the daughter of a peer, and she gave herself an
+infinity of trouble in hunting through the 'matches'&mdash;with what success it
+is not necessary to say. The old ladies unanimously agreed that he was a
+most agreeable, interesting young man; and though the young ones did
+pretend to run him down among themselves, calling him ugly, and so on, it
+was only in the vain hope of dissuading each other from thinking of him.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington still stuck to the 'am<i>aa</i>zin' pop'lar man' character; a
+character that is not so convenient to support in the country as it is in
+town. The borough of Swillingford, as we have already intimated, was not
+the best conducted borough in the world; indeed, when we say that the
+principal trade of the place was poaching, our country readers will be able
+to form a very accurate opinion on that head. When Puff took possession of
+Hanby there was a fair show of pheasants about the house, and a good
+sprinkling of hares and partridges over the estate and manor generally; but
+refusing to prosecute the first poachers that were caught, the rest took
+the hint, and cleared everything off in a week, dividing the plunder among
+them. They also burnt his <a name="Page_281" id="Page_281"></a>river and bagged his fine Dorking fowls, and all
+these feats being accomplished with impunity, they turned their attention
+to his fat sheep.</p>
+
+<p>'Poacher' is only a mild term for 'thief.'</p>
+
+<p>Puff was a perfect milch-cow in the way of generosity. He gave to
+everything and everybody, and did not seem to be acquainted with any
+smaller sum than a five-pound note; a five-pound note to replace Giles
+Jolter's cart-horse (that used to carry his own game for the poachers to
+the poulterers at Plunderstone)&mdash;five pounds to buy Dame Doubletongue
+another pig, though she had only just given three pounds for the one that
+died&mdash;five pounds towards the fire at farmer Scratchley's, though it had
+taken place two years before Puff came into the country, and Scratchley had
+been living upon it ever since&mdash;and sundry other five pounds to other
+equally deserving and amiable people. He put his name down for fifty to the
+Mangeysterne hounds without ever being asked; which reminds us that we
+ought to be directing our attention to that noble establishment.</p>
+
+<p>It is hard to have to go behind the scenes of an ill-supported hunt, and we
+will be as brief and tender with the cripples as we can. The Mangeysterne
+hounds wanted that great ingredient of prosperity, a large nest-egg
+subscriber, to whom all others could be tributary&mdash;paying or not as might
+be convenient. The consequence was they were always up the spout. They were
+neither a scratch pack nor a regular pack, but something betwixt and
+between. They were hunted by a saddler, who found his own horses, and
+sometimes he had a whip and sometimes he hadn't. The establishment died as
+often as old Mantalini himself. Every season that came to a close was
+proclaimed to be their last, but somehow or other they always managed to
+scramble into existence on the approach of another. It is a way, indeed,
+that delicate packs have of recruiting their finances. Nevertheless, the
+Mangeysternes did look very like coming to an end about the time that Mr.
+Puffington bought Hanby House. The saddler huntsman had failed; John Doe
+had taken one of his screws, and Richard Roe the other, <a name="Page_282" id="Page_282"></a>and anybody might
+have the hounds that liked: Puffington then turned up.</p>
+
+<p>Great was the joy diffused throughout the Mangeysterne country when it
+transpired, through the medium of his valet, Louis Bergamotte, that 'his
+lor' had <i>beaucoup habit rouge</i>' in his wardrobe. Not only habit rouge, but
+habit blue and buff, that he used to sport with 'Old Beaufort' and the
+Badminton Hunt&mdash;coats that he certainly had no chance of ever getting into
+again, but still which he kept as memorials of the past&mdash;souvenirs of the
+days when he was young and slim. The bottle-conjurer could just as soon
+have got into his quart bottle as Puff could into the Beaufort coat at the
+time of which we are writing. The intelligence of their existence was
+quickly followed by the aforesaid fifty-pound cheque. A meeting of the
+Mangeysterne hunt was called at the sign of the Thirsty Freeman in
+Swillingford&mdash;Sir Charles Figgs, Knight&mdash;a large-promising but badly paying
+subscriber&mdash;in the chair, when it was proposed and carried unanimously that
+Mr. Puffington was eminently qualified for the mastership of the hunt, and
+that it be offered to him accordingly. Puff 'bit.' He recalled his early
+exploits with 'Mostyn and old Beaufort,' and resolved that the hunt had
+taken a right view of his abilities. In coming to this decision he,
+perhaps, was not altogether uninfluenced by a plausible subscription list,
+which seemed about equal to the ordinary expenses, supposing that any
+reliance could be placed on the figures and calculations of Sir Charles.
+All those, however, who have had anything to do with subscription
+lists&mdash;and in these days of universal testimonializing who has not?&mdash;well
+know that pounds upon paper and pounds in the pocket are very different
+things. Above all Puff felt that he was a new man in the country, and that
+taking the hounds would give him weight.</p>
+
+<p>The 'Mangeysterne dogs' then began to 'look up'; Mr. Puffington took to
+them in earnest; bought a 'Beckford,' and shortened his military stirrups
+to a hunting seat.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXIII</h2>
+
+<h3>A SWELL HUNTSMAN</h3>
+
+
+<p>One evening the rattle of Puff's pole-chains brought, in addition to the
+usual rush of shirt-sleeved helpers, an extremely smart, dapper little man,
+who might be either a jockey or a gentleman, or both, or neither. He was a
+clean-shaved, close-trimmed, spruce little fellow; remarkably natty about
+the legs&mdash;indeed, all over. His close-napped hat was carefully brushed, and
+what little hair appeared below its slightly curved brim was of the
+pepper-and-salt mixture of&mdash;say, fifty years. His face, though somewhat
+wrinkled and weather-beaten, was bright and healthy; and there was a
+twinkle about his little grey eyes that spoke of quickness and watchful
+observation. Altogether, he was a very quick-looking little man&mdash;a sort of
+man that would know what you were going to say before you had well broke
+ground. He wore no gills; and his neatly tied starcher had a white ground
+with small black spots, about the size of currants. The slight interregnum
+between it and his step-collared striped vest (blue stripe on a
+canary-coloured ground) showed three golden foxes' heads, acting as studs
+to his well-washed, neatly plaited shirt; while a sort of careless turn
+back of the right cuff showed similar ornaments at his wrists. His
+single-breasted, cutaway coat was Oxford mixture, with a thin cord binding,
+and very natty light kerseymere mother-o'-pearl buttoned breeches, met a
+pair of bright, beautifully fitting, rose-tinted tops, that wrinkled most
+elegantly down to the Jersey-patterned spur. He was a remarkably well got
+up little man, and looked the horseman all over.</p>
+
+<p>As he emerged from the stable, where he had been mastering the ins and outs
+of the establishment, learning what was allowed and what was not, what had
+not been found fault with and, therefore, might be presumed upon, and so
+on, he carried the smart dogskin leather <a name="Page_284" id="Page_284"></a>glove of one hand in the other,
+while the fox's head of a massive silver-mounted jockey-whip peered from
+under his arm. On a ring round the fox's neck was the following
+inscription: 'FROM JACK BRAGG TO HIS COUSIN DICK.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington having drawn up his mail-phaeton, and thrown the ribbons to
+the active grooms at the horses' heads in the true coaching style,
+proceeded to descend from his throne, and had reached the ground ere he was
+aware of the presence of a stranger. Seeing him then, he made the sort of
+half-obeisance of a man that does not know whether he is addressing a
+gentleman or a servant, or, maybe, a scamp, going about with a prospectus.
+Puff had been bit in the matter of some maps in London, and was wary, as
+all people ought to be, of these birds.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger came sidling up with a half-bow, half-touch of the hat,
+drawling out:</p>
+
+<p>''Sceuuse me, sir&mdash;'sceuuse me, sir,' with another half-bow and another
+half-touch of the hat. 'I'm Mister Bragg, sir&mdash;Mister Richard Bragg, sir;
+of whom you have most likely heard.'</p>
+
+<p>'Bragg&mdash;Richard Bragg,' repeated our friend, thoughtfully, while he scanned
+the man's features, and ran his sporting acquaintance through his mind's
+eye.</p>
+
+<p>'Bragg, Bragg,' repeated he, without hitting him off.</p>
+
+<p>'I was huntsman, sir, to my Lord Reynard, sir,' observed the stranger, with
+a touch of the hat to each 'sir.' 'Thought p'r'aps you might have known his
+ludship, sir. Before him, sir, I held office, sir, under the Duke of
+Downeybird, sir, of Downeybird Castle, sir, in Downeybirdshire, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington, with a half-bow and a smile of
+politeness.</p>
+
+<p>'Hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne <i>dogs</i>, sir,' continued the
+stranger, with rather a significant emphasis on the word
+'<i>dogs</i>'&mdash;'hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne <i>dogs</i>, sir, it
+occurred to me that possibly I might be useful to you, sir, in your new
+calling, sir; and if you were of the same opinion, sir, why, sir, I should
+be glad to negotiate a connexion, sir.'</p><p><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Hem!&mdash;hem!&mdash;hem!' coughed Mr. Puffington. 'In the way of a huntsman do you
+mean?' afraid to talk of servitude to so fine a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' said Mr. Bragg, with a chuck of his head, 'just so. The fact is,
+though I'm used to the grass countries, sir, and could go to the Marquis of
+Maneylies, sir, to-morrow, sir, I should prefer a quiet place in a somewhat
+inferior country, sir, to a five-days-a-week one in the best. Five and six
+days a week, sir, is a terrible tax, sir, on the constitution, sir; and
+though, sir, I'm thankful to say, sir, I've pretty good 'ealth, sir, yet,
+sir, you know, sir, it don't do, sir, to take too great liberties with
+oneself, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, measuring off
+a touch, as it were, to each 'sir,' the action becoming quick towards the
+end.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, to tell you the truth,' said Puff, looking rather sheepish, 'to tell
+you the truth&mdash;I intended&mdash;I thought at least of&mdash;of&mdash;of&mdash;hunting them
+myself.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! that's another pair of shoes altogether, as we say in France,' replied
+Bragg, with a low bow and a copious round of the hand to the hat. 'That's
+<i>another</i> pair of shoes altogether,' repeated he, tapping his boot with his
+whip.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I <i>thought</i> of it,' rejoined Puff, not feeling quite sure whether he
+could or not.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Mr. Bragg, drawing on his dogskin glove as if to be off.</p>
+
+<p>'My friend Swellcove does it,' observed Puff.</p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Bragg, 'true; but my Lord Swellcove is one of a thousand.
+See how many have failed for one that has succeeded. Why, even my Lord
+Scamperdale was 'bliged to give it up, and no man rides harder than my Lord
+Scamperdale&mdash;always goes as if he had a spare neck in his pocket. But he
+couldn't 'unt a pack of 'ounds. Your gen'l'men 'untsmen are all very well
+on fine scentin' days when everything goes smoothly and well, and the
+'ounds are tied to their fox, as it were; but see them in difficulties&mdash;a
+failing scent, 'ounds pressed upon by the field, fox chased by a dog, storm
+in the air, big brook to get over to make a cast. Oh, sir, sir, it makes
+even me, with all my acknowledged science and<a name="Page_286" id="Page_286"></a> experience, shudder to think
+of the ordeal one undergoes!'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, staring, and beginning to think it
+mightn't be quite so easy as it looked.</p>
+
+<p>'I don't wish, sir, to dissuade you, sir, from the attempt, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg; 'far from it, sir&mdash;for he, sir, who never makes an effort, sir,
+never risks a failure, sir, and in great attempts, sir, 'tis glorious to
+fail, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, and then sticking
+the fox-head handle of his whip under his chin.</p>
+
+<p>Puff stood mute for some seconds.</p>
+
+<p>'My Lord Scamperdale,' continued Mr. Bragg, scrutinizing our friend
+attentively, 'was as likely a man, sir, as ever I see'd, sir, to make an
+'untsman, for he had a deal of ret (rat) ketchin' cunnin' about him, and,
+as I said before, didn't care one dim for his neck, but a more signal
+disastrous failure was never recognized. It was quite lamentable to witness
+his proceeding.'</p>
+
+<p>'How?' asked Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'How, sir?' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'why, sir, in all wayses. He had no dog
+language, to begin with&mdash;he had little idea of making a cast&mdash;no science,
+no judgement, no manner&mdash;no nothin'&mdash;I'm dim'd if ever I see'd sich a mess
+as he made.'</p>
+
+<p>Puff looked unutterable things.</p>
+
+<p>'He never did no good, in fact, till I fit him with Frostyface. <i>I</i> taught
+Frosty,' continued Mr. Bragg. 'He whipped in to me when I 'unted the Duke
+of Downeybird's 'ounds&mdash;nice, 'cute, civil chap he was&mdash;of all my
+pupils&mdash;and I've made some first-rate 'untsmen, I'm dim'd if I don't think
+Frostyface does me about as much credit as any on 'em. Ah, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg, with a shake of his head, 'take my word for it, sir, there's
+nothin' like a professional. S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir,' added he, with a low bow
+and a sort of military salute of his hat; 'but dim all gen'l'men 'untsmen,
+say I.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bragg had talked himself into several good places. Lord Reynard's and
+the Duke of Downeybird's among <a name="Page_287" id="Page_287"></a>others. He had never been able to keep any
+beyond his third season, his sauce or his science being always greater than
+the sport he showed. Still he kept up appearances, and was nothing daunted,
+it being a maxim of his that 'as one door closed another opened.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington's was the door that now opened for him.</p>
+
+<p>What greater humiliation can a free-born Briton be subjected to than paying
+a man eighty or a hundred pounds a year, and finding him house, coals, and
+candles, and perhaps a cow, to be his master?</p>
+
+<p>Such was the case with poor Mr. Puffington, and such, we grieve to say, is
+the case with nine-tenths of the men who keep hounds; with all, indeed,
+save those who can hunt themselves, or who are blest with an aspiring whip,
+ready to step into the huntsman's boots if he seems inclined to put them
+off in the field. How many portly butlers are kept in subjection by having
+a footman ready to supplant them. Of all cards in the servitude pack,
+however, the huntsman's is the most difficult one to play. A man may say,
+'I'm dim'd if I won't clean my own boots or my own horse, before I'll put
+up with such a fellow's impudence'; but when it comes to hunting his own
+hounds, it is quite another pair of shoes, as Mr. Bragg would say.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bragg regularly took possession of poor Puff; as regularly as a
+policeman takes possession of a prisoner. The reader knows the sort of
+feeling one has when a lawyer, a doctor, an architect, or any one whom we
+have called in to assist, takes the initiative, and treats one as a
+nonentity, pooh-poohing all one's pet ideas, and upsetting all one's
+well-considered arrangements.</p>
+
+<p>Bragg soon saw he had a greenhorn to deal with, and treated Puff
+accordingly. If a 'perfect servant' is only to be got out of the
+establishments of the great, Mr. Bragg might be looked upon as a paragon of
+perfection, and now combined in his own person all the bad practices of all
+the places he had been in. Having 'accepted Mr. Puffington's situation,' as
+the elegant phraseology of servitude goes, he considered that Mr.
+Puffington had nothing more to do with the hounds, and that any<a name="Page_288" id="Page_288"></a>
+interference in 'his department' was a piece of impertinence. Puffington
+felt like a man who has bought a good horse, but which he finds on riding
+is rather more of a horse than he likes. He had no doubt that Bragg was a
+good man, but he thought he was rather more of a gentleman than he
+required. On the other hand, Mr. Bragg's opinion of his master may be
+gleaned from the following letter which he wrote to his successor, Mr.
+Brick, at Lord Reynard's:</p>
+
+<p>'HANBY HOUSE, SWILLINGFORD.</p>
+<p>'DEAR BRICK,<br /></p>
+
+<p>'If your old man is done daffling with your draft, I should like to have
+the pick of it. I'm with one Mr. Puffington, a city gent. His father was a
+great confectioner in the Poultry, just by the Mansion House, and made his
+money out of Lord Mares. I shall only stay with him till I can get myself
+suited in the rank of life in which I have been accustomed to move; but in
+the meantime I consider it necessary for my own credit to do things as they
+should be. You know my sort of hound; good shoulders, deep chests, strong
+loins, straight legs, round feet, with plenty of bone all over. I hate a
+weedy animal; a small hound, light of bone, is only fit to hunt a kat in a
+kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>'I shall also want a couple of whips&mdash;not fellows like waiters from
+<i>Crawley's</i> hotel, but light, active <i>men</i>, not boys. I'll have nothin' to
+do with boys; every boy requires a man to look arter him. No; a couple of
+short, light, active men&mdash;say from five-and-twenty to thirty, with bow-legs
+and good cheery voices, as nearly of the same make as you can find them. I
+shall not give them large wage, you know; but they will have opportunities
+of improving themselves under me, and qualifying themselves for high
+places. But mind, they <i>must be steady</i>&mdash;I'll keep no unsteady servants;
+the first act of drunkenness, with me, is the last.</p>
+
+<p>'I shall also want a second horseman; and here I wouldn't mind a mute boy
+who could keep his elbows down and never touch the curb; but he must be
+bred in the line; a huntsman's second horseman is a critical<a name="Page_289" id="Page_289"></a> article, and
+the sporting world must not be put in mourning for Dick Bragg. The lad will
+have to clean my boots, and wait at table when I have company&mdash;yourself,
+for instance.</p>
+
+<p>'This is only a poor, rough, ungentlemanly sort of shire, as far as I have
+seen it; and however they got on with the things I found that they called
+hounds I can't for the life of me imagine. I understand they went stringing
+over the country like a flock of wild geese. However, I have rectified that
+in a manner by knocking all the fast 'uns and slow 'uns on the head; and I
+shall require at least twenty couple before I can take the field. In your
+official report of what your old file puts back, you'll have the kindness
+to cobble us up good long pedigrees, and carry half of them at least back
+to the Beaufort Justice. My man has got a crochet into his head about that
+hound, and I'm dimmed if he doesn't think half the hounds in England are
+descended from the Beaufort Justice. These hounds are at present called the
+Mangeysternes, a very proper title, I should say, from all I've seen and
+heard. That, however, must be changed; and we must have a button struck,
+instead of the plain pewter plates the men have been in the habit of
+hunting in.</p>
+
+<p>'As to horses, I'm sure I don't know what we are to do in that line. Our
+pastrycook seems to think that a hunter, like one of his pa's pies, can be
+made and baked in a day. He talks of going over to Rowdedow Fair, and
+picking some up himself; but I should say a gentleman demeans himself sadly
+who interferes with the just prerogative of the groom. It has never been
+allowed I know in any place I have lived; nor do I think servants do
+justice to themselves or their order who submit to it. Howsomever the
+crittur has what Mr. Cobden would call the "raw material" for sport&mdash;that
+is to say, plenty of money&mdash;and I must see and apply it in such a way as
+will produce it. I'll do the thing as it should be, or not at all.</p>
+
+<p>'I hope your good lady is well&mdash;also all the little Bricks. I purpose
+making a little tower of some of the best kennels as soon as the drafts are
+arranged, and will<a name="Page_290" id="Page_290"></a> spend a day or two with you, and see how you get on
+without me. Dear Brick,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Yours to the far end,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'RICHARD BRAGG.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'To <span class="smcap">benjamin brick</span>, Esq.,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Huntsman to the Right Hon. the Earl of Reynard,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'Turkeypout Park.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p>'P.S.&mdash;I hope your old man keeps a cleaner tongue in
+his head than he did when I was premier. I always say
+there was a good bargeman spoiled when they made him
+a lord.</p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i23">'R.B.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXXIV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE BEAUFORT JUSTICE</h3>
+
+
+<p>There is nothing more indicative of real fine people than the easy
+indifferent sort of way they take leave of their friends. They never seem
+to care a farthing for parting.</p>
+
+<p>Our friend Jawleyford was quite a man of fashion in this respect. He saw
+Sponge's preparations for departure with an unconcerned air, and a&mdash;'sorry
+you're going,' was all that accompanied an imitation shake, or rather touch
+of the hand, on leaving. There was no 'I hope we shall see you again soon,'
+or 'Pray look in if you are passing our way,' or 'Now that you've found
+your way here we hope you'll not be long in being back,' or any of those
+blarneyments that fools take for earnest and wise men for nothing.
+Jawleyford had been bit once, and he was not going to give Mr. Sponge a
+second chance. Amelia too, we are sorry to say, did not seem particularly
+distressed, though she gave him just as much of a sweet look as he squeezed
+her hand, as said, 'Now, if you <i>should</i> be a man of money, and my Lord
+Scamperdale does not make me my lady, you may,' &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>There is an old saying, that it is well to be 'off with the old love before
+one is on with the new,' and Amelia thought it was well to be on with the
+new love before<a name="Page_291" id="Page_291"></a> she was off with the old. Sponge, therefore, was to be in
+abeyance.</p>
+
+<p>We mentioned the delight infused into Jawleyford Court by the receipt of
+Lord Scamperdale's letter, volunteering a visit, nor was his lordship less
+gratified at hearing in reply that Mr. Sponge was on the eve of departure,
+leaving the coast clear for his reception. His lordship was not only
+delighted at getting rid of his horror, but at proving the superiority of
+his judgement over that of Jack, who had always stoutly maintained that the
+only way to get rid of Mr. Sponge was by buying his horses.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that's <i>good</i>,' said his lordship, as he read the letter; 'that's
+<i>good</i>,' repeated he, with a hearty slap of his thigh. 'Jaw's not such a
+bad chap after all; worse chaps in the world than Jaw.' And his lordship
+worked away at the point till he very nearly got him up to be a good chap.</p>
+
+<p>They say it never rains but it pours, and letters seldom come singly; at
+least, if they do they are quickly followed by others.</p>
+
+<p>As Jack and his lordship were discussing their gin, after a repast of
+cow-heel and batter-pudding, Baggs entered with the old brown
+weather-bleached letter-bag, containing a county paper, the second-hand
+copy of <i>Bell's Life</i>, that his lordship and Frostyface took in between
+them, and a very natty 'thick cream-laid' paper note.</p>
+
+<p>'That must be from a woman,' observed Jack, squinting ardently at the
+writing, as his lordship inspected the fine seal.</p>
+
+<p>'Not far wrong,' replied his lordship. 'From a bitch of a fellow, at all
+events,' said he, reading the words 'Hanby House' in the wax.</p>
+
+<p>'What can old Puffey be wanting now?' inquired Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Some bother about hounds, most likely,' replied his lordship, breaking the
+seal, adding, 'the thing's always amusing itself with playing at sportsman.
+Hang his impudence!' exclaimed his lordship, as he opened the note.</p>
+
+<p>'What's happened now?' asked Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'How d'ye think he begins?' asked his lordship, looking at his friend.</p><p><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Can't tell, I'm sure,' said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.</p>
+
+<p>'Dear Scamp!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing out his arms.</p>
+
+<p>'Dear Scamp!' repeated Jack in astonishment. 'It must be a mistake. It must
+be dear Frost, not dear Scamp.'</p>
+
+<p>'Dear Scamp is the word,' replied his lordship, again applying himself to
+the letter. 'Dear Scamp,' repeated he, with a snort, adding, 'the impudent
+button-maker! I'll dear Scamp him! "Dear Scamp, our friend Sponge!" Bo-o-y
+the powers, just fancy that! 'exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself back
+in his chair, as if thoroughly overcome with disgust. '<i>Our friend Sponge!</i>
+the man who nearly knocked me into the middle of the week after next&mdash;the
+man who, first and last, has broken every bone in my skin&mdash;the man who I
+hate the sight of, and detest afresh every time I see&mdash;the 'bomination of
+all 'bominations; and then to call him our friend Sponge! "Our friend
+Sponge,"' continued his lordship, reading, '"is coming on a visit of
+inspection to my hounds, and I should be glad if you would meet him."'</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder!' exclaimed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Meet him!</i>' snapped his lordship; 'I'd go ten miles to avoid him.'</p>
+
+<p>'"Glad if you would meet him,"' repeated his lordship, returning to the
+letter, and reading as follows: '"If you bring a couple of nags or so we
+can put them up, and you may get a wrinkle or two from Bragg." A wrinkle or
+two from Bragg! 'exclaimed his lordship, dropping the letter and rolling in
+his chair with laughter. 'A wrinkle or two from Bragg!&mdash;he&mdash;he&mdash;he&mdash;he! The
+idea of a wrinkle or two from Bragg!&mdash;haw&mdash;haw&mdash;haw&mdash;haw!</p>
+
+<p>'That beats cockfightin',' observed Jack, squinting frightfully.</p>
+
+<p>'Doesn't it?' replied his lordship. 'The man who's so brimful of science
+that he doesn't kill above three brace of foxes in a season.'</p>
+
+<p>'Which Puff calls thirty,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Th-i-r-ty!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'I'll lay he'll not kill
+thirty in ten years.'</p><p><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293"></a></p>
+
+<p>His lordship then picked the letter from the floor, and resumed where he
+had left off.</p>
+
+<p>'"I expect you will meet Tom Washball, Lumpleg, and Charley Slapp."'</p>
+
+<p>'A very pretty party,' observed Jack, adding, 'Wouldn't be seen goin' to a
+bull-bait with any on 'em.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nor I,' replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'Birds of a feather,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' said his lordship, resuming his reading.</p>
+
+<p>'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you&mdash;" The devil you have!'
+exclaimed his lordship, grinding his teeth with disgust. 'Useful to <i>me</i>,
+you confounded haberdasher!&mdash;you hav'n't a hound in your pack that I'd
+take. "I think I have a hound that may be useful to you&mdash;"' repeated his
+lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'A Beaufort Justice one, for a guinea!' interrupted Jack, adding, 'He got
+the name into his head at Oxford, and has been harping upon it ever since.'</p>
+
+<p>'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you&mdash;"' resumed his
+lordship, for the third time. '"It is Old Merriman, a remarkably stout,
+true line hunting hound; but who is getting slow for me&mdash;" Slow for you,
+you beggar!' exclaimed his lordship; 'I should have thought nothin' short
+of a wooden 'un would have been too slow for you. "He's a six-season
+hunter, and is by Fitzwilliam's Singwell out of his Darling. Singwell was
+by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock's Rhapsody. Rallywood was by Old
+Lonsdale's&mdash;" Old Lonsdale's!&mdash;the snob!' sneered Lord Scamperdale&mdash;'"Old
+Lonsdale's Palafox, out of Anson's&mdash;" Anson's!&mdash;curse the fellow,' again
+muttered his lordship&mdash;'"out of Anson's Madrigal. Darling was by old
+Grafton's Bolivar, out of Blowzy. Bolivar was by the Brocklesby; that's
+Yarborough's&mdash;" That's Yarborough's!' sneered his lordship, 'as if one
+didn't know that as well as him&mdash;"by the Brocklesby; that's Yarborough's
+Marmion out of Petre's Matchless; and Marmion was by that undeniable hound,
+the&mdash;" the&mdash;what?' asked his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>'Beaufort Justice, to be sure!' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'"The Beaufort Justice!"' read his lordship, with due emphasis.</p><p><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Hurrah!' exclaimed Jack, waving the dirty, egg-stained, mustardy copy of
+<i>Bell's Life</i> over his head. 'Hurrah! I told you so.'</p>
+
+<p>'But hark to Justice!' exclaimed his lordship, resuming his reading. '"I've
+always been a great admirer of the Beaufort Justice blood&mdash;"'</p>
+
+<p>'No doubt,' said Jack; 'it's the only blood you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'"It was in great repute in the Badminton country in old Beaufort's time,
+with whom I hunted a great deal many years ago, I'm sorry to say. The late
+Mr. Warde, who, of course, was very justly partial to his own sort, had
+never any objection to breeding from this <i>Beaufort</i> Justice. He was of
+Lord Egremont's blood, by the New Forest Justice; Justice by Mr. Gilbert's
+Jasper; and Jasper bred by Egremont&mdash;" Oh, the hosier!' exclaimed his
+lordship; 'he'll be the death of me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is that all?' asked Jack, as his lordship seemed lost in meditation.</p>
+
+<p>'All?&mdash;no!' replied he, starting up, adding, 'here's something about you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Me!' exclaimed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'"If Mr. Spraggon is with you, and you like to bring him, I can manage to
+put him up too,"' read his lordship. 'What think you of that?' asked his
+lordship, turning to our friend, who was now squinting his eyes inside out
+with anger.</p>
+
+<p>'Think of it!' retorted Jack, kicking out his legs&mdash;'think of it!&mdash;why, I
+think he's a dim'd impittant feller, as Bragg would say.'</p>
+
+<p>'So he is,' replied his lordship; 'treating my friend Jack so.'</p>
+
+<p>'I've a good mind to go,' observed Jack, after a pause, thinking he might
+punish Puff, and try to do a little business with Sponge. 'I've a good mind
+to go,' repeated he; 'just by way of paying Master Puff off. He's a
+consequential jackass, and wants taking down a peg or two.'</p>
+
+<p>'I think you may as well go and do it,' replied his lordship, after
+thinking the matter over; 'I think you may as well go and do it. Not that
+he'll be good to take the conceit out of, but you may vex him a bit; and
+also learn something of the movements of his friend<a name="Page_295" id="Page_295"></a> Sponge. If he sarves
+Puff out as he's sarved me,' continued his lordship, rubbing his ribs with
+his elbows, 'he'll very soon have enough of him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Jack, 'I really think it will be worth doing. I've never been
+at the beggar's shop, and they say he lives well.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Well</i>, aye!' exclaimed his lordship; 'fat o' the land&mdash;dare say that man
+has fish and soup every day.'</p>
+
+<p>'And wax-candles to read by, most likely,' observed Jack, squinting at the
+dim mutton-fats that Baggs now brought in.</p>
+
+<p>'Not so grand as that,' observed his lordship, doubting whether any man
+could be guilty of such extravagance; 'composites, p'raps.'</p>
+
+<p>It being decided that Jack should answer Mr. Puffington's invitation as
+well and saucily as he could, and a sheet of very inferior paper being at
+length discovered in the sideboard drawer, our friends forthwith proceeded
+to concoct it. Jack having at length got all square, and the black-ink
+lines introduced below, dipped his pen in the little stone ink-bottle, and,
+squinting up at his lordship, said:</p>
+
+<p>'How shall I begin?'</p>
+
+<p>'Begin?' replied he. 'Begin&mdash;oh, let's see&mdash;begin&mdash;begin, "Dear Puff," to
+be sure.'</p>
+
+<p>'That'll do,' said Jack, writing away.</p>
+
+<p>('Dear Puff!' sneered our friend, when he read it; 'the idea of a fellow
+like that writing to a man of my p-r-o-r-perty that way.')</p>
+
+<p>'Say "Scamp,"' continued his lordship, dictating again, '"is engaged, but
+I'll be with you at feeding-time."'</p>
+
+<p>('Scamp's engaged,' read Puffington, with a contemptuous curl of the lip,
+''Scamp's engaged: I like the impudence of a fellow like that calling
+noblemen nicknames.')</p>
+
+<p>The letter concluded by advising Puffington to stick to the Beaufort
+Justice blood, for there was nothing in the world like it. And now, having
+got both our friends booked for visits, we must yield precedence to the
+nobleman, and accompany him to Jawleyford Court.</p><p><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296"></a></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image296.jpg" width="300" height="274" alt="LORD SCAMPERDALE AS HE APPEARED IN HIS &#39;SWELL&#39; CLOTHES" title="" />
+<span class="caption">LORD SCAMPERDALE AS HE APPEARED IN HIS &#39;SWELL&#39; CLOTHES</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXV" id="CHAPTER_XXXV"></a>CHAPTER XXXV</h2>
+
+<h3>LORD SCAMPERDALE AT JAWLEYFORD COURT</h3>
+
+
+<p>Although we have hitherto depicted Lord Scamperdale either in his great
+uncouth hunting-clothes or in the flare-up red and yellow Stunner tartan,
+it must not be supposed that he had not fine clothes when he chose to wear
+them, only he wanted to save them, as he said, to be married in. That he
+had fine ones, indeed, was evident from the rig-out he lent Jack when that
+worthy went to Jawleyford Court, and, in addition to those which were of
+the evening order, he had an uncommonly smart Stultz frock-coat, with a
+velvet collar, facings, and cuffs, and a silk lining. Though so rough and
+ready among the men, he was quite the dandy among the ladies, and was as
+anxious about his appearance as a girl of sixteen. He got himself<a name="Page_297" id="Page_297"></a> clipped
+and trimmed, and shaved with the greatest care, curving his whiskers high
+on to the cheekbones, leaving a great breadth of bare fallow below.</p>
+
+<p>Baggs the butler was despatched betimes to Jawleyford Court with the
+dog-cart freighted with clothes, driven by a groom to attend to the horses,
+while his lordship mounted his galloping grey hack towards noon, and dashed
+through the country like a comet. The people, who were only accustomed to
+see him in his short, country-cut hunting-coats, baggy breeches, and
+shapeless boots, could hardly recognize the frock-coated, fancy-vested,
+military-trousered swell, as Lord Scamperdale. Even Titus Grabbington, the
+superintendent of police, declared that he wouldn't have known him but for
+his hat and specs. The latter, we need hardly say, were the silver
+ones&mdash;the pair that he would not let Jack have when he went to Jawleyford
+Court. So his lordship went capering and careering along, avoiding, of
+course, all the turnpike-gates, of which he had a mortal aversion.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford Court was in full dress to receive him&mdash;everything was full fig.
+Spigot appeared in buckled shorts and black silk stockings; while vases of
+evergreens and winter flowers mounted sentry on passage tables and
+landing-places. Everything bespoke the elegant presence of the fair.</p>
+
+<p>To the credit of Dame Fortune let us record that everything went smoothly
+and well. Even the kitchen fire behaved as it ought. Neither did Lord
+Scamperdale arrive before he was wanted, a very common custom with people
+unused to public visiting. He cast up just when he was wanted. His ring of
+the door-bell acted like the little tinkling bell at a theatre, sending all
+parties to their places, for the curtain to rise.</p>
+
+<p>Spigot and his two footmen answered the summons, while his lordship's groom
+rushed out of a side-door, with his mouth full of cold meat, to take his
+hack.</p>
+
+<p>Having given his flat hat to Spigot, his whip-stick to one footman, and his
+gloves to the other, he proceeded to the family tableau in the
+drawing-room.</p>
+
+<p>Though his lordship lived so much by himself he was neither <i>gauche</i> nor
+stupid when he went into society.<a name="Page_298" id="Page_298"></a> Unlike Mr. Spraggon, he had a tremendous
+determination of words to the mouth, and went best pace with his tongue
+instead of coughing and hemming, and stammering and stuttering&mdash;wishing
+himself 'well out of it,' as the saying is. His seclusion only seemed to
+sharpen his faculties and make him enjoy society more. He gushed forth like
+a pent-up fountain. He was not a bit afraid of the ladies&mdash;rather the
+contrary; indeed, he would make love to them all&mdash;all that were
+good-looking, at least, for he always candidly said that he 'wouldn't have
+anything to do with the ugly 'uns.' If anything, he was rather too
+vehement, and talked to the ladies in such an earnest, interested sort of
+way, as made even bystanders think there was 'something in it,' whereas, in
+point of fact, it was mere manner.</p>
+
+<p>He began as soon as ever he got to Jawleyford Court&mdash;at least, as soon as
+he had paid his respects all round and got himself partially thawed at the
+fire; for the cold had struck through his person, his fine clothes being a
+poor substitute for his thick double-milled red coat, blankety waistcoat,
+and Jersey shirt.</p>
+
+<p>There are some good-natured, well-meaning people in this world who think
+that fox-hunters can talk of nothing but hunting, and who put themselves to
+very serious inconvenience in endeavouring to get up a little conversation
+for them. We knew a bulky old boy of this sort, who invariably, after the
+cloth was drawn, and he had given each leg a kick out to see if they were
+on, commenced with, 'Well, I suppose, Mr. Harkington has a fine set of dogs
+this season?' 'A fine set of dogs this season! 'What an observation! How on
+earth could any one hope to drive a conversation on the subject with such a
+commencement?</p>
+
+<p>Some ladies are equally obliging in this respect. They can stoop to almost
+any subject that they think will procure them husbands. Music!&mdash;if a man is
+fond of music, they will sing themselves into his good graces in no time.
+Painting!&mdash;oh, they adore painting&mdash;though in general they don't profess to
+be great hands at it themselves. Balls, boating, archery, racing&mdash;all these
+they can take a lively interest in; or, if occasion requires, <a name="Page_299" id="Page_299"></a>can go on
+the serious tack and hunt a parson with penny subscriptions for a
+clothing-club or soup-kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>Fox-hunting!&mdash;we do not know that fox-hunting is so safe a speculation for
+young ladies as any of the foregoing. There are many pros and cons in the
+matter of the chase. A man may think&mdash;especially in these hard times, with
+'wheat below forty,' as Mr. Springwheat would say&mdash;that it will be as much
+as he can do to mount himself. Again, he may not think a lady looks any
+better for running down with perspiration, and being daubed with mud. Above
+all, if he belongs to the worshipful company of Craners, he may not like
+for his wife to be seen beating him across country.</p>
+
+<p>Still, there are many ways that young ladies may insinuate themselves into
+the good graces of sportsmen without following them into the hunting-field.
+Talking about their horses, above all admiring them, taking an interest in
+their sport, seeing that they have nice papers of sandwiches to take out
+with them, or recommending them to be bled when they come home with dirty
+faces after falls.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Amelia Jawleyford, who was most elegantly attired in a sea-green silk
+dress with large imitation pearl buttons, claiming the usual privilege of
+seniority of birth, very soon led the charge against Lord Scamperdale.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, what a lovely horse that is you were riding,' observed she, as his
+lordship kept stooping with both his little red fists close into the bars
+of the grate.</p>
+
+<p>'Isn't it!' exclaimed he, rubbing his hands heartily together. 'Isn't it!'
+repeated he, adding, 'that's what I call a clipper.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why do you call it so?' asked she.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I don't mean that clipper is its name,' replied he; 'indeed, we call
+her Cherry Bounce in the stable&mdash;but she's what they call a clipper&mdash;a good
+'un to go, you know,' continued he, staring at the fair speaker through his
+great, formidable spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>We believe there is nothing frightens a woman so much as staring at her
+through spectacles. A barrister in barnacles is a far more formidable
+cross-examiner than one without. But, to his lordship's back.</p>
+
+<p>'Will he eat bread out of your hand?' asked Amelia, <a name="Page_300" id="Page_300"></a>adding, 'I <i>should</i> so
+like a horse that would eat bread out of my hand.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes; or cheese either,' replied his lordship, who was a bit of a wag,
+and as likely to try a horse with one as the other.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, how delightful! what a charming horse!' exclaimed Amelia, turning her
+fine eyes up to the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>'Are you fond of horses?' asked his lordship, smacking one hand against the
+other, making a noise like the report of a pistol.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, so fond!' exclaimed Amelia, with a start; for she hadn't got through
+her favourite, and, as she thought, most attractive attitude.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now, that's nice,' said his lordship, giving his other hand a
+similar bang, adding, 'I like a woman that's fond of horses.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then 'Melia and you'll 'gree nicely,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, who was
+always ready to give a helping hand to her own daughters, at least.</p>
+
+<p>'I don't doubt it!' replied his lordship, with emphasis, and a third bang
+of his hand, louder if possible than before. 'And do <i>you</i> like horses?'
+asked his lordship, darting sharply round on Emily, who had been yielding,
+or rather submitting, to the precedence of her sister.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes; and hounds, too!' replied she eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>'And hounds, too!' exclaimed his lordship, with a start, and another hearty
+bang of the fist, adding, 'well, now, I like a woman that likes hounds.'</p>
+
+<p>Amelia frowned at the unhandsome march her sister had stolen upon her. Just
+then in came Jawleyford, much to the annoyance of all parties. A host
+should never show before the dressing-bell rings.</p>
+
+<p>When that glad sound was at length heard, the ladies, as usual, immediately
+withdrew; and of course the first thing Amelia did when she got to her room
+was to run to the glass to see how she had been looking: when, grievous to
+relate, she found an angry hot spot in the act of breaking out on her nose.</p>
+
+<p>What a distressing situation for a young lady, especially one with a
+spectacled suitor. 'Oh, dear!' she thought, as she eyed it in the glass,
+'it will look <a name="Page_301" id="Page_301"></a>like Vesuvius itself through his formidable inquisitors.'
+Worst of all, it was on the side she would have next him at dinner, should
+he choose to sit with his back to the fire. However, there was no help for
+it, and the maid kindly assuring her, as she worked away at her hair, that
+it 'would never be seen,' she ceased to watch it, and turned her attention
+to her toilette. The fine, new broad-lace flounced, light-blue satin
+dress&mdash;a dress so much like a ball dress as to be only appreciable as a
+dinner one by female eyes&mdash;was again in requisition; while her fine arms
+were encircled with chains and armlets of various brilliance and devices.
+Thus attired, with a parting inspection of the spot, she swept downstairs,
+with as smart a bouquet as the season would afford. As luck would have it,
+she encountered his lordship himself wandering about the passage in search
+of the drawing-room, of whose door he had not made a sufficient observation
+on leaving. He too, was uncommonly smart, with the identical dress-coat Mr.
+Spraggon wore, a white waistcoat with turquoise buttons, a lace-frilled
+shirt, and a most extensive once-round Joinville. He had been eminently
+successful in accomplishing a tie that would almost rival the sticks
+farmers put upon truant geese to prevent their getting through gaps or
+under gates.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Miss Amelia having come to his lordship's assistance, and eased him
+of his candle, now showed him into the drawing-room; and his hands being
+disengaged, like a true Englishman, he must be doing, and accordingly he
+commenced an attack on her bouquet.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a fine nosegay!' exclaimed he, staring and rubbing his snub nose
+into the midst of it.</p>
+
+<p>'Let me give you a piece,' replied Amelia, proceeding to detach some of the
+best.</p>
+
+<p>'Do,' replied his lordship, banging one hand against the other, adding,
+'I'll wear it next my heart of hearts.'</p>
+
+<p>In sidled Miss Emily just as his lordship was adjusting it in his
+button-hole, and the inconstant man immediately chopped over to her.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now, that <i>is</i> a beautiful nosegay!' exclaimed he, turning upon her
+in precisely the same way, with a bang of the hand and a dive of his nose
+into Emily's.</p><p><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302"></a></p>
+
+<p>She did not offer him any, and his lordship continued his attentions to her
+until Mrs. Jawleyford entered.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner was presently announced; but his lordship, instead of choosing to
+sit with his back to the fire, took the single chair opposite, which gave
+him a commanding view of the young ladies. He did not, however, take any
+advantage of his position during the repast, neither did he talk much, his
+maxim being to let his meat stop his mouth. The preponderance of his
+observations, perhaps, were addressed to Amelia, though a watchful observer
+might have seen that the spectacles were oftener turned upon Emily. Up to
+the withdrawal of the cloth, however, there was no perceptible advantage on
+either side.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 270px;">
+<img src="images/image302.jpg" width="270" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>As his lordship settled to the sweets, at which he was a great hand at
+dessert, Amelia essayed to try her influence with the popular subject of a
+ball. <a name="Page_303" id="Page_303"></a>'I wish the members of your hunt would give us a ball, my lord,'
+observed she.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, hay, hum&mdash;ball,' replied he, ladling up the syrup of some preserved
+peaches that he had been eating; 'ball, ball, ball. No place to give it&mdash;no
+place to give it,' repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, give it in the town-hall, or the long room at the Angel,' replied she.</p>
+
+<p>'Town-hall&mdash;long room at the Angel&mdash;Angel at the long room of the
+town-hall&mdash;oh, certainly, certainly, certainly,' muttered he, scraping away
+at the contents of his plate.</p>
+
+<p>'Then that's a bargain, mind,' observed Amelia significantly.</p>
+
+<p>'Bargain, bargain, bargain&mdash;certainly,' replied he; 'and I'll lead off with
+you, or you'll lead off with me&mdash;whichever way it is&mdash;meanwhile, I'll
+trouble you for a piece of that gingerbread.'</p>
+
+<p>Having supplied him with a most liberal slice, she resumed the subject of
+the ball.</p>
+
+<p>'Then we'll fix it so,' observed she.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, fix it so, certainly&mdash;certainly fix it so,' replied his lordship,
+filling his mouth full of gingerbread.</p>
+
+<p>'Suppose we have it on the day of the races?' continued Amelia.</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't be better,' replied his lordship; 'couldn't be better,' repeated
+he, eyeing her intently through his formidable specs.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship was quite in the assenting humour, and would have agreed to
+anything&mdash;anything short of lending one a five-pound note.</p>
+
+<p>Amelia was charmed with her success. Despite the spot on her nose, she felt
+she was winning.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship sat like a target, shot at by all, but making the most of his
+time, both in the way of eating and staring between questions.</p>
+
+<p>At length the ladies withdrew, and his lordship having waddled to the door
+to assist their egress, now availed himself of Jawleyford's invitation to
+occupy an arm-chair during the enjoyment of his 'Wintle.'</p>
+
+<p>Whether it was the excellence of the beverage, or <a name="Page_304" id="Page_304"></a>that his lordship was
+unaccustomed to wine-drinking, or that Jawleyford's conversation was
+unusually agreeable, we know not, but the summons to tea and coffee was
+disregarded, and when at length they did make their appearance, his
+lordship was what the ladies call rather elevated, and talked thicker than
+there was any occasion for. He was very voluble at first&mdash;told all how
+Sponge had knocked him about, how he detested him, and wouldn't allow him
+to come to the hunt ball, &amp;c.; but he gradually died out, and at last fell
+asleep beside Mrs. Jawleyford on the sofa, with his little legs crossed,
+and a half-emptied coffee-cup in his hand, which Mr. Jawleyford and she
+kept anxiously watching, expecting the contents to be over the fine satin
+furniture every moment.</p>
+
+<p>In this pleasant position they remained till he awoke himself with a hearty
+snore, and turned the coffee over on to the carpet. Fortunately there was
+little damage done, and, it being nearly twelve o'clock, his lordship
+waddled off to bed.</p>
+
+<p>Amelia, when she came to think matters over in the retirement of her own
+room, was well satisfied with the progress she had made. She thought she
+only wanted opportunity to capture him. Though she was most anxious for a
+good night in order that she might appear to advantage in the morning,
+sleep forsook her eyelids, and she lay awake long thinking what she would
+do when she was my lady&mdash;how she would warm Woodmansterne, and what a
+dashing equipage she would keep. At length she dropped off, just as she
+thought she was getting into her well-appointed chariot, showing a becoming
+portion of her elegantly turned ankles.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning she attired herself in her new light blue satin robe,
+corsage Albanaise, with a sort of three-quarter sleeves, and muslin under
+ones&mdash;something, we believe, out of the last book of fashion. She also had
+her hair uncommonly well arranged, and sported a pair of clean
+primrose-coloured gloves. 'Now for victory,' said she, as she took a
+parting glance at herself in general, and the hot spot in particular.</p>
+
+<p>Judge of her disgust on meeting her mamma on the staircase at learning that
+his lordship had got up at six <a name="Page_305" id="Page_305"></a>o'clock, and had gone to meet his hounds on
+the other side of the county. That Baggs had boiled his oatmeal porridge in
+his bedroom, and his lordship had eaten it as he was dressing.</p>
+
+<p>It may be asked, what was the maid about not to tell her.</p>
+
+<p>The fact is, that ladies'-maids are only numb hands in all that relates to
+hunting, and though Juliana knew that his lordship was up, she thought he
+had gone to have his hunt before breakfast, just as the young gentlemen in
+the last place she lived in used to go and have a bathe.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 299px;">
+<img src="images/image305.jpg" width="299" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Baggs, we may add, was a married man, and Juliana and he had not had much
+conversation.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXXVI</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. BRAGG'S KENNEL MANAGEMENT</h3>
+
+
+<p>The reader will now have the kindness to consider that Mr. Puffington has
+undergone his swell huntsman, Dick Bragg, for three whole years, during
+which time it was difficult to say whether his winter's service or his
+summer's impudence was most oppressive. Either way, Mr. Puffington had had
+enough both of him and the honours of hound-keeping. Mr. Bragg was not a
+judicious tyrant. He lorded it too much over Mr. Puffington; was too fond
+of showing himself off, and exposing his master's ignorance before the
+servants, and field. A stranger would have thought that Mr. Bragg, and not
+'Mr. Puff,' as Bragg called him, kept the hounds. Mr. Puffington took it
+pretty quietly at first, Bragg inundating him with what they did at the
+Duke of Downeybird's, Lord Reynard's, and the other great places in which
+he had lived, till he almost made Puff believe that such treatment was a
+necessary consequence of hound-keeping. Moreover, the cost was heavy, and
+the promised subscriptions were almost wholly imaginary; even if they had
+been paid, they would not have covered a quarter of the expense Mr. Bragg
+ran him to; and worst of all, there was an increasing instead of a
+diminishing expenditure. Trust a servant for keeping things up to the mark.</p>
+
+<p>All things, however, have an end, and Mr. Bragg began to get to the end of
+Mr. Puff's patience. As Puff got older he got fonder of his five-pound
+notes, and began to scrutinize bills and ask questions; to be, as Mr. Bragg
+said, 'very little of the gentleman'; Bragg, however, being quite one of
+your 'make-hay-while-the-sun-shines' sort, and knowing too well the style
+of man to calculate on a lengthened duration of office, just put on the
+steam of extravagance, and seemed inclined to try how much he could spend
+for his master. His bills for draft hounds were enormous; he was
+continually chopping <a name="Page_307" id="Page_307"></a>and changing his horses, often almost without
+consulting his master; he had a perfect museum of saddles and bridles, in
+which every invention and variety of bit was exhibited; and he had paid as
+much as twenty pounds to different 'valets' and grooms for invaluable
+recipes for cleaning leather breeches and gloves. Altogether, Bragg overdid
+the thing; and when Mr. Puffington, in the solitude of a winter's day, took
+pen, ink, and paper, and drew out a 'balance sheet,' he found that on the
+average of six brace of foxes to the season, they had cost him about three
+hundred pounds a head killing. It was true that Bragg always returned five
+or six and twenty brace; but that was as between Bragg and the public, as
+between Bragg and his master the smaller figure was the amount.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington had had enough of it, and he now thought if he could get Mr.
+Sponge (who he still believed to be a sporting author on his travels) to
+immortalize him, he might retire into privacy, and talk of 'when <i>I</i> kept
+hounds,' 'when <i>I</i> hunted the country,' 'when <i>I</i> was master of hounds <i>I</i>
+did this, and <i>I</i> did that,' and fuss, and be important as we often see
+ex-masters of hounds when they go out with other packs. It was this
+erroneous impression with regard to Mr. Sponge that took our friend to the
+meet of Lord Scamperdale's hounds at Scrambleford Green, when he gave Mr.
+Sponge a general invitation to visit him before he left the country, an
+invitation that was as acceptable to Mr. Sponge on his expulsion from
+Jawleyford Court, as it was agreeable to Mr. Puffington&mdash;by opening a route
+by which he might escape from the penalty of hound-keeping, and the
+persecution of his huntsman.</p>
+
+<p>The reader will therefore now have the kindness to consider Mr. Puffington
+in receipt of Mr. Sponge's note, volunteering a visit.</p>
+
+<p>With gay and cheerful steps our friend hurried off to the kennel, to
+communicate the intelligence to Mr. Bragg of an intended honour that he
+inwardly hoped would have the effect of extinguishing that great sporting
+luminary.</p>
+
+<p>Arriving at the kennel, he learned from the old feeder, <a name="Page_308" id="Page_308"></a>Jack Horsehide,
+who, as usual, was sluicing the flags with water, though the weather was
+wet, that Mr. Bragg was in the house (a house that had been the steward's
+in the days of the former owner of Hanby House). Thither Mr. Puffington
+proceeded; and the front door being open he entered, and made for the
+little parlour on the right. Opening the door without knocking, what should
+he find but the swell huntsman, Mr. Bragg, full fig, in his cap, best
+scarlet and leathers, astride a saddle-stand, sitting for his portrait!</p>
+
+<p>'<i>O, dim it!</i>' exclaimed Bragg, clasping the front of the stand as if it
+was a horse, and throwing himself off, an operation that had the effect of
+bringing the new saddle on which he was seated bang on the floor. 'O,
+sc-e-e-use me, sir,' seeing it was his master, 'I thought it was my
+servant; this, sir,' continued he, blushing and looking as foolish as men
+do when caught getting their hair curled or sitting for their portraits,
+'this, sir, is my friend, Mr. Ruddle, the painter, sir&mdash;yes, sir&mdash;very
+talented young man, sir&mdash;asked me to sit for my portrait, sir&mdash;is going to
+publish a series of portraits of all the best huntsmen in England, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'And masters of hounds,' interposed Mr. Ruddle, casting a sheep's eye at
+Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'And masters of hounds, sir,' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'yes, sir, and masters of
+hounds, sir'; Mr. Bragg being still somewhat flurried at the unexpected
+intrusion.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well,' interrupted Mr. Puffington, who was still eager about his
+mission, 'we'll talk about that after. At present I'm come to tell you,'
+continued he, holding up Mr. Sponge's note, 'that we must brush up a
+little&mdash;going to have a visit of inspection from the great Mr. Sponge.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed, sir!' replied Mr. Bragg, with the slightest possible touch of his
+cap, which he still kept on. 'Mr. Sponge, sir!&mdash;indeed, sir&mdash;Mr. Sponge,
+sir&mdash;pray who may <i>he</i> be, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;why&mdash;hay&mdash;hum&mdash;haw&mdash;he's Mr. Sponge, you know&mdash;been hunting with Lord
+Scamperdale, you know&mdash;great sportsman, in fact&mdash;great authority, you
+know.' <a name="Page_309" id="Page_309"></a>'Indeed&mdash;great authority is he&mdash;indeed&mdash;oh&mdash;yes&mdash;thinks so
+p'raps&mdash;sc-e-e-use me, sir, but des-say, sir, I've forgot more, sir, than
+Mr. Sponge ever knew, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but you mustn't tell him so,' observed Mr. Puffington, fearful that
+Bragg might spoil sport.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, tell him&mdash;no,' sneered Bragg, with a jerk of the head; 'tell him&mdash;no;
+I'm not exactly such a donkey as that; on the contrary, I'll make things
+pleasant, sir&mdash;sugar his milk for him, sir, in short, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Sugar his milk!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, who was only a matter-of-fact
+man; 'sugar his milk! I dare say he takes tea.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, sugar his tea,' replied Bragg, with a smile, adding, 'can
+'commodate myself, sir, to circumstances, sir,' at the same time taking off
+his cap and setting a chair for his master.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, but I'm not going to stay,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'I only
+came up to let you know who you had to expect, so that you might prepare,
+you know&mdash;have all on the square, you know&mdash;best horses&mdash;best hounds&mdash;best
+appearance in general, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'That I'll attend to,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a toss of the head&mdash;'that
+<i>I'll</i> attend to,' repeated he, with an emphasis on the <i>I'll</i>, as much as
+to say, 'Don't you meddle with what doesn't concern you.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington would fain have rebuked him for his impertinence, as indeed
+he often would fain have rebuked him; but Mr. Bragg had so overpowered him
+with science, and impressed him with the necessity of keeping him&mdash;albeit
+Mr. Puffington was sensible that he killed very few foxes&mdash;that, having put
+up with him so long, he thought it would never do to risk a quarrel, which
+might lose him the chance of getting rid of him and hounds altogether;
+therefore, Mr. Puffington, instead of saying, 'You conceited humbug, get
+out of this,' or indulging in any observations that might lead to
+controversy, said, with a satisfied, confidential nod of the head:</p>
+
+<p>'I'm sure you will&mdash;I'm sure you will,' and took his departure, leaving Mr.
+Bragg, to remount the saddle-stand and take the remainder of his sitting.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVII" id="CHAPTER_XXXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVII</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. PUFFINGTON'S DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Perhaps it was fortunate that Mr. Bragg did take the kennel management upon
+himself, or there is no saying but what with that and the house department,
+coupled with the usual fussiness of a bachelor, the Sponge visit might have
+proved too much for our master. The notice of the intended visit was short;
+and there were invitations to send out, and answers to get, bedrooms to
+prepare, and culinary arrangements to make&mdash;arrangements that people in
+town, with all their tradespeople at their elbows, can have no idea of the
+difficulty of effecting in the country. Mr. Puffington was fully employed.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to the parties mentioned as asked in his note to Lord
+Scamperdale, viz. Washball, Charley Slapp, and Lumpleg, were Parson
+Blossomnose; Mr. Fossick of the Flat Hat Hunt, who declined&mdash;Mr. Crane of
+Crane Hall; Captain Guano, late of that noble corps the Spotted Horse
+Marines; and others who accepted. Mr. Spraggon was a sort of volunteer, at
+all events an undesired guest, unless his lordship accompanied him. It so
+happened that the least wanted guest was the first to arrive on the
+all-important day.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Scamperdale, knowing our friend Jack was not over affluent, had no
+idea of spoiling him by too much luxury, and as the railway would serve a
+certain distance in the line of Hanby House, he despatched Jack to the
+Over-shoes-over-boots station with the dog-cart, and told him he would be
+sure to find a 'bus, or to get some sort of conveyance at the Squandercash
+station to take him up to Puffington's; at all events, his lordship added
+to himself, 'If he doesn't, it'll do him no harm to walk, and he can easily
+get a boy to carry his bag.'</p>
+
+<p>The latter was the case; for though the station-master assured Jack, on his
+arrival at Squandercash, that there was a 'bus, or a mail gig, or a
+something to every other train, there was nothing in connexion with the one
+that <a name="Page_311" id="Page_311"></a>brought him, nor would he undertake to leave his carpet-bag at Hanby
+House before breakfast-time the next morning.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 274px;">
+<img src="images/image311.jpg" width="274" height="300" alt="JACK PROTESTS AGAINST ALL RAILWAYS" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JACK PROTESTS AGAINST ALL RAILWAYS</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Jack was highly enraged, and proceeded to squint his eyes inside out, and
+abuse all railways, and chairmen, and directors, and secretaries, and
+clerks, and porters, vowing that railways were the greatest nuisances under
+the sun&mdash;that they were a perfect impediment instead of a facility to
+travelling&mdash;and declared that formerly a gentleman had nothing to do but
+order his four horses, and have them turned out at every stage as he came
+up, instead of being stopped in the <i>ridicklous</i> manner he then was; and he
+strutted and stamped about the station as if he would put a stop to the
+whole line. <a name="Page_312" id="Page_312"></a>His vehemence and big talk operated favourably on the Cockney
+station-master, who, thinking he must be a duke, or some great man, began
+to consider how to get him forwarded. It being only a thinly populated
+district&mdash;though there was a station equal to any mercantile emergency,
+indeed to the requirements of the whole county&mdash;he ran the resources of the
+immediate neighbourhood through his mind, and at length was obliged to
+admit&mdash;humbly and respectfully&mdash;that he really was afraid Martha Muggins's
+donkey was the only available article.</p>
+
+<p>Jack fumed and bounced at the very mention of such a thing, vowing that it
+was a downright insult to propose it; and he was so bumptious that the
+station-master, who had nothing to gain by the transaction, sought the
+privacy of the electric telegraph office, and left him to vent the balance
+of his wrath upon the porters.</p>
+
+<p>Of course they could do nothing more than the king of their little colony
+had suggested; and finding there was no help for it, Mr. Spraggon at last
+submitted to the humiliation, and set off to follow young Muggins with his
+bag on the donkey, in his best top-boots, worn under his trousers&mdash;an
+unpleasant operation to any one, but especially to a man like Jack, who
+preferred wearing his tops out against the flaps of his friends' saddles,
+rather than his soles by walking upon them. However, necessity said yes;
+and cocking his flat hat jauntily on his head, he stuck a cheroot in his
+mouth, and went smoking and swaggering on, looking&mdash;or rather
+squinting&mdash;bumptiously at everybody he met, as much as to say, 'Don't
+suppose I'm walking from necessity! I've plenty of tin.'</p>
+
+<p>The third cheroot brought Jack and his suite within sight of Hanby House.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington had about got through all the fuss of his preparations,
+arranged the billets of the guests and of those scarcely less important
+personages&mdash;their servants, allotted the stables, and rehearsed the wines,
+when a chance glance through the gaily furnished drawing-room window
+discovered Jack trudging up the trimly kept avenue.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's that nasty Spraggon,' exclaimed he, eyeing<a name="Page_313" id="Page_313"></a> Jack dragging his legs
+along, adding, 'I'll be bound to say he'll never think of wiping his filthy
+feet if I don't go to meet him.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, Puffington rushed to the entrance, and crowning himself with a
+white wide-awake, advanced cheerily to do so.</p>
+
+<p>Jack, who was more used to 'cold shoulder' than cordial reception, squinted
+and stared with surprise at the unwonted warmth, so different to their last
+interview, when Jack was fresh out of his clay-hole in the Brick Fields;
+but not being easily put out of his way, he just took Puff as Puff took
+him. They talked of Scamperdale, and they talked of Frostyface, and the
+number of foxes he had killed, the price of corn, and the difference its
+price made in the keep of hounds and horses. Altogether they were very
+'thick.'</p>
+
+<p>'And how's our friend Sponge?' asked Puffington, as the conversation at
+length began to flag.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he's nicely,' replied Jack, adding, 'hasn't he come yet?'</p>
+
+<p>'Not that I've seen,' answered Puffington, adding, 'I thought, perhaps, you
+might come together.'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' grunted Jack; 'he comes from Jawleyford's, you know; I'm from
+Woodmansterne.'</p>
+
+<p>'We'll go and see if he's come,' observed Puffington, opening a door in the
+garden-wall, into which he had man&#339;uvred Jack, communicating with the
+courtyard of the stable.</p>
+
+<p>'Here are his horses,' observed Puffington, as Mr. Leather rode through the
+great gates on the opposite side, with the renowned hunters in full
+marching order.</p>
+
+<p>'Monstrous fine animals they are,' said Jack, squinting intently at them.</p>
+
+<p>'They are that,' replied Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Sponge seems a very pleasant, gentlemanly man,' observed Mr.
+Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he is,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Can you tell me&mdash;can you inform me&mdash;that's to say, can you give me any
+idea,' hesitated Puffington, 'what is the usual practice&mdash;the usual
+course&mdash;the usual understanding as to the treatment of those sort of
+gentlemen?'</p><p><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the best of everything's good enough for them,' replied Jack, adding,
+'just as it is with me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I don't mean in the way of eating and drinking, but in the way of
+encouragement&mdash;in the way of a present, you know?' adding&mdash;'What did my
+lord do?' seeing Jack was slow at comprehension.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, my lord bad-worded him well,' replied Jack, adding, 'he didn't get
+much encouragement from him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's the worst of my lord,' observed Puffington; 'he's rather
+coarse&mdash;rather too indifferent to public opinion. In a case of this sort,
+you know, that doesn't happen every day, or, perhaps, more than once in a
+man's life, it's just as well to be favourably spoken of as not, you know';
+adding, as he looked intently at Jack&mdash;'Do you understand me?'</p>
+
+<p>Jack, who was tolerably quick at a chance, now began to see how things
+were, and to fathom Mr. Puffington's mistake. His ready imagination
+immediately saw there might be something made of it, so he prepared to keep
+up the delusion.</p>
+
+<p>'Wh-o-o-y!' said he, straddling out his legs, clasping his hands together,
+and squinting steadily through his spectacles, to try and see, by
+Puffington's countenance, how much he would stand. 'W-h-o-o-y!' repeated
+he, 'I shouldn't think&mdash;though, mind, it's mere conjectur' on my part&mdash;that
+you couldn't offer him less than&mdash;twenty or five-and-twenty punds; or, say,
+from that to thirty,' continued Jack, seeing that Puff's countenance
+remained complacent under the rise.</p>
+
+<p>'And that you think would be sufficient?' asked Puff, adding&mdash;'If one does
+the thing at all, you know, it's as well to do it handsomely.'</p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Jack, sticking out his great thick lips, 'true. I'm a great
+advocate for doing things handsomely. Many a row I have with my lord for
+thanking fellows, and saying he'll <i>remember</i> them instead of giving them
+sixpence or a shilling; but really I should say, if you were to give him
+forty or fifty pund&mdash;say a fifty&mdash;pund note, he'd be&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>The rest of the sentence was lost by the appearance of Mr. Sponge,
+cantering up the avenue on the conspicuous <a name="Page_315" id="Page_315"></a>piebald. Mr. Puffington and Mr.
+Spraggon greeted him as he alighted at the door.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge was quickly followed by Tom Washball; then came Charley Slapp and
+Lumpleg, and Captain Guano came in a gig. Mutual bows and bobs and shakes
+of the hand being exchanged, amid offers of 'anything before dinner' from
+the host, the guests were at length shown to their respective apartments,
+from which in due time they emerged, looking like so many bridegrooms.</p>
+
+<p>First came the worthy master of the hounds himself, in his scarlet
+dress-coat, lined with white satin; Tom Washball, and Charley Slapp also
+sported Puff's uniform; while Captain Guano, who was proud of his leg,
+sported the uniform of the Muffington Hunt&mdash;a pea-green coat lined with
+yellow, and a yellow collar, white shorts with gold garters, and black silk
+stockings.</p>
+
+<p>Spraggon had been obliged to put up with Lord Scamperdale's second best
+coat, his lordship having taken the best one himself; but it was passable
+enough by candle light, and the seediness of the blue cloth was relieved by
+a velvet collar and a new set of the Flat Hat Hunt buttons. Mr. Sponge wore
+a plain scarlet with a crimson velvet collar, and a bright fox on the
+frosted ground of a gilt button, with tights as before; and when Mr. Crane
+arrived he was found to be attired in a dress composed partly of Mr.
+Puffington's and partly of the Muggeridge Hunt uniform&mdash;the red coat of the
+former surmounting the white shorts and black stockings of the other.
+Altogether, however, they were uncommonly smart, and it is to be hoped that
+they appreciated each other.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner was sumptuous. Puff, of course, was in the chair; and Captain
+Guano coming last into the room, and being very fond of office, was vice.
+When men run to the 'noble science' of gastronomy, they generally outstrip
+the ladies in the art of dinner-giving, for they admit of no makeweight, or
+merely ornamental dishes, but concentrate the cook's energies on sterling
+and approved dishes. Everything men set on is meant to be eaten. Above all,
+men are not too fine to have the plate-warmer in the room, the deficiency
+of hot plates proving<a name="Page_316" id="Page_316"></a> fatal to many a fine feast. It was evident that Puff
+prided himself on his table. His linen was the finest and whitest, his
+glass the most elegant and transparent, his plate the brightest, and his
+wines the most costly and <i>recherch&eacute;</i>. Like many people, however, who are
+not much in the habit of dinner-giving, he was anxious and fussy, too
+intent upon making people comfortable to allow of their being so, and too
+anxious to get victuals and drink down their throats to allow of their
+enjoying either.</p>
+
+<p>He not only produced a tremendous assortment of wines&mdash;Hock, Sauterne,
+Champagne, Barsack, Burgundy, but descended into endless varieties of
+sherries and Madeiras. These he pressed upon people, always insisting that
+the last sample was the best.</p>
+
+<p>In these hospitable exertions Puffington was ably assisted by Captain
+Guano, who, being fond of wine, came in for a good quantity; first of all
+by asking everyone to take wine with him, and then in return every one
+asking him to do the same with them. The present absurd non-asking system
+was not then in vogue. The great captain, noisy and talkative at all times,
+began to be boisterous almost before the cloth was drawn.</p>
+
+<p>Puffington was equally promiscuous with his after-dinner wines. He had all
+sorts of clarets, and 'curious old ports.' The party did not seem to have
+any objection to spoil their digestions for the next day, and took whatever
+he produced with great alacrity. Lengthened were the candle examinations,
+solemn the sips, and sounding the smacks that preceded the delivery of
+their Campbell-like judgements.</p>
+
+<p>The conversation, which at first was altogether upon wine, gradually
+diverged upon sporting, and they presently brewed up a very considerable
+cry. Foremost among the noisy ones was Captain Guano. He seemed inclined to
+take the shine out of everybody.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! if they could but find a good fox that would give them a run of ten
+miles&mdash;say, ten miles&mdash;just ten miles would satisfy him&mdash;say, from
+Barnesley Wold to Chingforde Wood, or from Carleburg Clump to Wetherden
+Head. He was going to ride his famous horse Jack-a-Dandy&mdash;the finest horse
+that ever was foaled! No<a name="Page_317" id="Page_317"></a> day too long for him&mdash;no pace too great for
+him&mdash;no fence too stiff for him&mdash;no brook too broad for him.'</p>
+
+<p>Tom Washball, too, talked as if wearing a red coat was not the only purpose
+for which he hunted; and altogether they seemed to be an amazing, sporting,
+hard-riding set.</p>
+
+<p>When at length they rose to go to bed, it struck each man as he followed
+his neighbour upstairs that the one before him walked very crookedly.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVIII" id="CHAPTER_XXXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>A DAY WITH PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Day dawned cheerfully. If there was rather more sun than the strict rules
+of Beckford prescribe, still sunshine is not a thing to quarrel with under
+any circumstances&mdash;certainly not for a gentleman to quarrel with who wants
+his place seen to advantage on the occasion of a meet of hounds. Everything
+at Hanby House was in apple-pie order. All the stray leaves that the
+capricious wintry winds still kept raising from unknown quarters, and
+whisking about the trim lawns, were hunted and caught, while a heavy roller
+passed over the Kensington gravel, pressing out the hoof and wheelmarks of
+the previous day. The servants were up betimes, preparing the house for
+those that were in it, and a <i>d&eacute;je&ucirc;ner &agrave; la fourchette</i> for chance
+customers, from without.</p>
+
+<p>They were equally busy at the stable. Although Mr. Bragg did profess such
+indifference for Mr. Sponge's opinion, he nevertheless thought it might
+perhaps be as well to be condescending to the stranger. Accordingly, he
+ordered his whips to be on the alert, to tie their ties and put on their
+boots as they ought to be, and to hoist their caps becomingly on the
+appearance of our friend. Bragg, like a good many huntsmen, had a sort of
+tariff of politeness, that he indicated by the manner in which he saluted
+the field. To a lord, he made a sweep of his cap like the dome of St.
+Paul's; a baronet came in for about half as much; a knight, to a quarter.
+Bragg had<a name="Page_318" id="Page_318"></a> also a sort of City or monetary tariff of politeness&mdash;a tariff
+that was oftener called in requisition than the 'Debrett' one, in Mr.
+Puffington's country. To a good 'tip' he vouchsafed as much cap as he gave
+to a lord; to a middling 'tip' he gave a sort of move that might either
+pass for a touch of the cap or a more comfortable adjustment of it to his
+head; a very small 'tip' had a forefinger to the peak; while he who gave
+nothing at all got a good stare or a good morning! or something of that
+sort. A man watching the arrival of the field could see who gave the fives,
+who the fours, who the threes, who the twos, who the ones, and who were the
+great 0's.</p>
+
+<p>But to our day with Mr. Puffington's hounds.</p>
+
+<p>Our over-night friends were not quite so brisk in the morning as the
+servants and parties outside. Puffington's 'mixture' told upon a good many
+of them. Washball had a headache, so had Lumpleg; Crane was seedy; and
+Captain Guano, sea-green. Soda-water was in great request.</p>
+
+<p>There was a splendid breakfast, table and sideboard looking as if Fortnum
+and Mason or Morel had opened a branch establishment at Hanby House. Though
+the staying guests could not do much for the good things set out, they were
+not wasted, for the place was fairly taken by storm shortly before the
+advertised hour of meeting; and what at one time looked like a most
+extravagant supply, at another seemed likely to prove a deficiency. Each
+man helped himself to whatever he fancied, without waiting for the ceremony
+of an invitation, in the usual style of fox-hunting hospitality.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes before eleven, a 'gently, Rantaway,' accompanied by a slight
+crack of a whip, drew the seedy and satisfied parties to the oriel window,
+to see Mr. Bragg pass along with his hounds. They were just gliding
+noiselessly over the green sward, Mr. Bragg rising in his stirrups, as
+spruce as a game-cock, with his thoroughbred bay gambolling and pawing with
+delight at the frolic of the hounds, some clustering around him, others
+shooting forward a little, as if to show how obediently they would return
+at his whistle. Mr. Bragg was known as the whistling huntsman, and was<a name="Page_319" id="Page_319"></a> a
+great man for telegraphing and signalizing with his arms, boasting that he
+could make hounds so handy that they could do everything, except pay the
+turnpike-gates. At his appearance the men all began to shuffle to the
+passage and entrance-hall, to look for their hats and whips; and presently
+there was a great outpouring of red coats upon the lawn, all straddling and
+waddling of course. Then Mr. Bragg, seeing an audience, with a slight
+whistle and wave of his right arm, wheeled his forces round, and trotted
+gaily towards where our guests had grouped themselves, within the light
+iron railing that separated the smooth slope from the field. As he reined
+in his horse, he gave his cap an aerial sweep, taking off perpendicularly,
+and finishing at his horse's ears&mdash;an example that was immediately followed
+by the whips, and also by Mr. Bragg's second horseman, Tom Stot.</p>
+
+<p>'Good morning, Mister Bragg! Good morning, Mister Bragg!&mdash;Good morning,
+Mister Bragg!' burst from the assembled spectators: for Mr. Bragg was one
+of those people that one occasionally meets whom everybody 'Misters.'
+Mister Bragg, rising in his stirrups with a gracious smile, passed a very
+polite bow along the line.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's a fine morning, Mr. Bragg,' observed Tom Washball, who thought it
+knowing to talk to servants.</p>
+
+<p>'Y<i>as</i>, sir,' replied Bragg, 'y<i>as</i>,' with a slight inclination to cap;
+'<i>r-a-y</i>-ther more s<i>a</i>n, p'raps, than desirable,' continued he, raising
+his face towards the heavens; 'but still by no means a bad day, sir&mdash;no,
+sir&mdash;by no means a bad day, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hounds looking well,' observed Charley Slapp between the whiffs of a
+cigar.</p>
+
+<p>'Y<i>as</i>, sir,' said Bragg, 'y<i>as</i>,' looking around them with a
+self-satisfied smile; adding, 'so they ought, sir&mdash;so they ought; if <i>I</i>
+can't bring a pack out as they should be, don't know who can.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, here's our old Rummager, I declare!' exclaimed Spraggon, who, having
+vaulted the iron hurdles, was now among the pack. 'Why, here's our old
+Rummager, I declare!' repeated he, laying his whip on the head of a
+solemn-looking black and white hound, somewhat down in the toes, and
+looking as if he was about done.</p><p><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, leaning over his horse's shoulder, and
+whispering into Jack's ear; 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but <i>drop</i> that, sir, if
+you please, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Drop what?' asked Jack, squinting through his great tortoiseshell-rimmed
+spectacles up into Bragg's face.</p>
+
+<p>''Bout knowing of that 'ound, sir,' whispered Bragg; 'the fact is, sir&mdash;we
+call him Merryman, sir; master don't know I got him from you, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'O-o-o,' replied Jack, squinting, if possible, more frightfully than
+before.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's the hound I offered to Scamperdale,' observed Puffington,
+seeing the movement, and coming up to where Jack stood; 'that's the hound I
+offered to Scamperdale,' repeated he, taking the old dog's head between his
+hands. 'There's no better hound in the world than this,' continued he,
+patting and smoothing him; 'and no better <i>bred</i> hound either,' added he,
+rubbing the dog's sides with his whip.</p>
+
+<p>'How is he bred?' asked Jack, who knew the hound's pedigree better than he
+did his own.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I got him from Reynard&mdash;no, I mean from Downeybird&mdash;the Duke, you
+know; but he was bred by Fitzwilliam&mdash;by his Singwell out of Darling.
+Singwell was by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock Rhapsody; but to
+make a long story short, he's lineally descended from the Beaufort
+Justice.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack hardly able to contain himself; 'that's undeniable
+blood.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'm glad to hear you say so,' replied Puffington. 'I'm glad to hear
+you say so, for you understand these things&mdash;no man better; and I confess
+I've a warm side to that Beaufort Justice blood.'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't wonder at it,' replied Jack, laughing his waistcoat strings off.</p>
+
+<p>'The great Mr. Warde,' continued Mr. Puffington, 'who was justly partial to
+his own sort, had never any objection to breeding from the Beaufort
+Justice.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, nor nobody else that knew what he was about,' replied Jack, turning
+away to conceal his laughter.</p>
+
+<p>'We should be moving, I think, sir,' observed Bragg, anxious to put an end
+to the conversation; 'we should<a name="Page_321" id="Page_321"></a> be moving, I think, sir,' repeated he,
+with a rap of his forefinger against his cap peak. 'It's past eleven,'
+added he, looking at his gold watch, and shutting it against his cheek.</p>
+
+<p>'What do you draw first?' asked Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Draw&mdash;draw&mdash;draw,' replied Puffington. 'Oh, we'll draw Rabbitborough
+Gorse&mdash;that's a new cover I've inclosed on my pro-o-r-perty.'</p>
+
+<p>'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smile, and another rap of the
+cap: 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but I'm going to Hollyburn Hanger first.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well, Hollyburn Hanger,' replied Puffington, complacently; 'either
+will do very well.'</p>
+
+<p>If Puff had proposed Hollyburn Hanger, Bragg would have said Rabbitborough
+Gorse.</p>
+
+<p>The move of the hounds caused a rush of gentlemen to their horses, and
+there was the usual scramblings up, and fidgetings, and funkings, and
+who-o-hayings and drawing of girths, and taking up of curbs, and
+lengthening and shortening of stirrups.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Guano couldn't get his stirrups to his liking anyhow. ''Ord hang
+these leathers,' roared he, clutching up a stirrup-iron; 'who the devil
+would ever have sent one out a-huntin' with a pair of new
+stirrup-leathers?'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang you and the stirrup leathers,' growled the groom, as his master rode
+away; 'you're always wantin' sumfin to find fault with. I'm blowed if it
+arn't a disgrace to an oss to carry such a man,' added he, eyeing the
+chestnut fidgeting and wincing as the captain worked away at the stirrups.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bragg trotted briskly on with the hounds, preceded by Joe Banks the
+first whip, and having Jack Swipes the second, and Tom Stot, riding
+together behind him, to keep off the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>Thus the cavalcade swept down the avenue, crossed the Swillingford
+turnpike, and took through a well-kept field road, which speedily brought
+them to the cover&mdash;rough, broomy, brushwood-covered banks, of about three
+acres in extent, lying on either side of the little Hollyburn Brook, one of
+the tiny streams that in angry times helped to swell the Swill into a
+river.</p><p><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Dim all these foot people!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, in well-feigned disgust,
+as he came in view, and found all the Swillingford snobs, all the tinkers
+and tailors, and cobblers and poachers, and sheep-stealers, all the
+scowling, rotten-fustianed, baggy-pocketed scamps of the country ranged
+round the cover, some with dogs, some with guns, some with snares, and all
+with sticks or staffs. 'Well, I'm dimmed if ever I seed sich a&mdash;' The rest
+of the speech being lost amidst the exclamations of: 'Ah! the hunds! the
+hunds! hoop! tally-o the hunds!' and a general rush of the ruffians to meet
+them.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<img src="images/image322.jpg" width="289" height="300" alt="CAPTAIN GUANO CAN&#39;T GET HIS STIRRUPS THE RIGHT LENGTH" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CAPTAIN GUANO CAN&#39;T GET HIS STIRRUPS THE RIGHT LENGTH</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Captain Guano, who had now come up, joined in the denunciation, inwardly
+congratulating himself on the probability that the first cover, at least,
+would be drawn blank. <a name="Page_323" id="Page_323"></a>Tom Washball, who was riding a very troublesome
+tail-foremost grey, also censured the proceeding.</p>
+
+<p>And Mr. Puffington, still an 'am<i>aa</i>izin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+exclaimed, as he rode among them, 'Ah! my good fellows, I'd rather you'd
+come up and had some ale than disturbed the cover'; a hint that the wily
+ones immediately took, rushing up to the house, and availing themselves of
+the absence of the butler, who had followed the hounds, to take a couple of
+dozen of his best fiddle-handled forks while the footman was drawing them
+the ale.</p>
+
+<p>The whips being duly signalled by Bragg to their points&mdash;Brick to the north
+corner, Swipes to the south&mdash;and the field being at length drawn up to his
+liking, Mr. Bragg looked at Mr. Puffington for his signal (the only piece
+of interference he allowed him); at a nod Mr. Bragg gave a wave of his cap,
+and the pack dashed into cover with a cry.</p>
+
+<p>'Yo-o-icks&mdash;wind him! Yo-o-icks&mdash;pash him up!' cheered Bragg, standing
+erect in his stirrups, eyeing the hounds spreading and sniffing about, now
+this way, now that&mdash;now pushing through a thicket, now threading and
+smelling along a meuse. 'Yo-o-icks&mdash;wind him! Yo-o-icks&mdash;pash him up!'
+repeated he, cracking his whip, and moving slowly on. He then varied the
+entertainment by whistling, in a sharp, shrill key, something like the
+chirp of a sparrow-hawk.</p>
+
+<p>Thus the hounds rummaged and scrimmaged for some minutes.</p>
+
+<p>'No fox here,' observed Captain Guano, bringing his horse alongside of Mr.
+Bragg's.</p>
+
+<p>'Not so sure o' <i>that</i>,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a sneer, for he had a
+great contempt for the captain. 'Not so sure o' that,' replied he, eyeing
+Thunderer and Galloper feathering up the brook.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang these stirrups!' exclaimed the captain, again attempting to adjust
+them; adding, 'I declare I have no seat whatever in this saddle.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nor in any other,' muttered Bragg. 'Yo-icks, Galloper! Yo-icks, Thunderer!
+Ge-e-ntly, Warrior!' continued he, cracking his whip, as Warrior pounced at
+a bunny.</p><p><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324"></a></p>
+
+<p>The hounds were evidently on a scent, hardly strong enough to own, but
+sufficiently indicated by their feathering, and the rush of their comrades
+to the spot.</p>
+
+<p>'A fox for a thousand!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, eyeing them, and looking at
+his watch.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, d&mdash;mn me! I've got one stirrup longer than another now!' roared
+Captain Guano, trying the fresh adjustment. 'I've got one stirrup longer
+than another!' added he in a terrible pucker.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image324.jpg" width="300" height="233" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>A low snatch of a whimper now proceeded from Galloper, and Bragg cheered
+him to the echo. In another second a great banging brown fox burst from
+among the broom, and dashed down the little dean. What noises, what
+exclamations rent the air! 'Talli-ho! talliho! talliho!' screamed a host of
+voices, in every variety of intonation, from the half-frantic yell of a
+party seeing him, down to the shout of a mere partaker of the epidemic.
+Shouting is very contagious. The horsemen gathered up their reins, pressed
+down their hats, and threw away their cigar-ends.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord hang it!' roared Captain Guano, still fumbling <a name="Page_325" id="Page_325"></a>at the leathers, 'I
+shall never be able to ride with stirrups in this state.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hang your stirrups!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, shooting past him; adding,
+'It was your <i>saddle</i> last time.'</p>
+
+<p>Bragg's queer tootle of his horn, for he was full of strange blows, now
+sounded at the low end of the cover; and, having a pet line of gaps and
+other conveniences that he knew how to turn to on the minute, he soon shot
+so far ahead as to give him the appearance (to the slow 'uns) of having
+flown. Brick and Swipes quickly had all the hounds after him, and Stot,
+dropping his elbows, made for the road, to ride the second horse gently on
+the line. The field, as usual, divided into two parts, the soft riders and
+the hard ones&mdash;the soft riders going by the fields, the hard riders by the
+road. Messrs. Spraggon, Sponge, Slapp, Quilter, Rasper, Crasher, Smasher,
+and some half-dozen more, bustled after Bragg; while the worthy master Mr.
+Puffington, Lumpleg, Washball, Crane, Guano, Shirker, and very many others,
+came pounding along the lane. There was a good scent, and the hounds shot
+across the Fleecyhaughwater Meadows, over the hill, to the village of
+Berrington Roothings, where, the fox having been chased by a cur, the
+hounds were brought to a check on some very bad scenting-ground, on the
+common, a little to the left of the village, at the end of a quarter of an
+hour or so. The road having been handy, the hard riders were there almost
+as soon as the soft ones; and there being no impediments on the common,
+they all pushed boldly on among the now stooping hounds.</p>
+
+<p>'Hold hard, gentlemen!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, rising in his stirrups and
+telegraphing with his right arm. 'Hold hard!&mdash;pray do!' added he, with
+little better success. 'Dim it, gen'lemen, hold hard!' added he, as they
+still pressed upon the pack. 'Have a little regard for a huntsman's
+raputation,' continued he. 'Remember that it rises and falls with the sport
+he shows'&mdash;exhortations that seemed to be pretty well lost upon the field,
+who began comparing notes as to their respective achievements, enlarging
+the leaps and magnifying the <a name="Page_326" id="Page_326"></a>distance into double what they had been.
+Puffington and some of the fat ones sat gasping and mopping their brows.</p>
+
+<p>Seeing there was not much chance of the hounds hitting off the scent by
+themselves, Mr. Bragg began telegraphing with his arm to the whippers-in,
+much in the manner of the captain of a Thames steamer to the lad at the
+engine, and forthwith they drove the pack on for our swell huntsman to make
+his cast. As good luck would have it, Bragg crossed the line of the fox
+before he had got half-through his circle, and away the hounds dashed, at a
+pace and with a cry that looked very like killing. Mr. Bragg was in
+ecstasies, and rode in a manner very contrary to his wont. All again was
+life, energy, and action; and even some who hoped there was an end of the
+thing, and that they might go home and say, as usual, 'that they had had a
+very good run, but not killed,' were induced to proceed.</p>
+
+<p>Away they all went as before.</p>
+
+<p>At the end of eighteen minutes more the hounds ran into their fox in the
+little green valley below Mountnessing Wood, and Mr. Bragg had him
+stretched on the green with the pack baying about him, and the horses of
+the field-riders getting led about by the country people, while the riders
+stood glorying in the splendour of the thing. All had a direct interest in
+making it out as good as possible, and Mr. Bragg was quite ready to
+appropriate as much praise as ever they liked to give.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord dim him,' said he, turning up the fox's grim head with his foot, 'but
+Mr. Bragg's an awkward customer for gen'lemen of your description.'</p>
+
+<p>'You hunted him well!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, who was trumpeter general
+of the establishment.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smirk and a condescending bow, 'if Richard
+Bragg can't kill foxes, I don't know who can.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then 'Puffington and Co.' hove in sight up the valley, their faces
+beaming with delight as the tableau before them told the tale. They
+hastened to the spot.</p>
+
+<p>'How many brace is that?' asked Puffington, with<a name="Page_327" id="Page_327"></a> the most matter-of-course
+air, as he trotted up, and reined in his horse outside the circle.</p>
+
+<p>'Seventeen brace, your grace, I mean to say my lord, that's to say <i>sur</i>,'
+replied Bragg, with a strong emphasis on the <i>sur</i>, as if to say, 'I'm not
+used to you snobs of commoners.'</p>
+
+<p>'Seventeen brace!' sneered Jack Spraggon to Sponge, adding, in a whisper,
+'More like <i>seven</i> foxes.'</p>
+
+<p>'And how many run to ground?' asked Puffington, alighting.</p>
+
+<p>'Four brace,' replied Bragg, stooping to cut off the brush.</p>
+
+<p>We were wrong in saying that Bragg only allowed Puff the privilege of
+nodding his head to say when he might throw off. He let him lead the 'lie
+gallop' in the kill department.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington then presented Mr. Sponge with the brush, and the usual
+solemnities being observed, the sherry flasks were produced and drained,
+the biscuits munched, and, amidst the smoke of cigars, the ring broke up in
+great good-will.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIX" id="CHAPTER_XXXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXXIX</h2>
+
+<h3>Writing A Run</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image327.jpg" width="200" height="142" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>he first fumes of excitement over, after a run with a kill, the field
+begin to take things more coolly and veraciously, and ere long some of them
+begin to pick holes in the affair. The men of the hunt run it up, while
+those of the next hunt run it down. Added to this there are generally some
+cavilling, captious fellows in every field who extol a run to the master's
+face, and abuse it<a name="Page_328" id="Page_328"></a> behind his back. So it was on the present occasion. The
+men of the hunt&mdash;Charley Slapp, Lumpleg, Guano, Crane, Washball, and
+others&mdash;lauded and magnified it into something magnificent; while Fossick,
+Fyle, Wake, Blossomnose, and others of the 'Flat Hat Hunt,' pronounced it a
+niceish thing&mdash;a pretty burst; and Mr. Vosper, who had hunted for
+five-and-twenty seasons without ever subscribing one farthing to hounds,
+always declaring that each season was 'his last,' or that he was going to
+confine himself entirely to some other pack, said it was nothing to make a
+row about, that he had seen fifty better things with the Tinglebury
+harriers, and never a word said.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Sponge to Spraggon, between the whiffs of a cigar, as they
+rode together; 'it wasn't so bad, was it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Bad!&mdash;no,' squinted Jack, 'devilish good&mdash;for Puff, at least,' adding, 'I
+question he's had a better this season.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, we are in luck,' observed Tom Washball, riding up and joining them;
+'we are in luck to have a satisfactory thing with you great connoisseurs
+out.'</p>
+
+<p>'A pretty thing enough,' replied Jack, 'pretty thing enough.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I don't mean to say it's equal to many we've had this season,' replied
+Washball; 'nothing like the Boughton Hill day, nor yet the Hembury Forest
+one; but still, considering the meet and the state of the country&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Hout! the country's good enough,' growled Jack, who hated Washball;
+adding, 'a good fox makes any country good'; with which observation he
+sidled up to Sponge, leaving Washball in the middle of the road.</p>
+
+<p>'That reminds me,' said Jack, <i>sotto voce</i> to Sponge, 'that the crittur
+wants his run puffed, and he thinks you can do it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Me!' exclaimed Sponge, 'what's put that in his head?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, you see,' exclaimed Jack, 'the first time you came out with our
+hounds at Dundleton Tower, you'll remember&mdash;or rather, the first time we
+saw you, when your horse ran away with you&mdash;somebody, Fyle, I think<a name="Page_329" id="Page_329"></a> it
+was, said you were a literary cove; and Puff, catchin' at the idea, has
+never been able to get rid of it since: and the fact is, he'd like to be
+flattered&mdash;he'd be uncommonly pleased if you were to "soft sawder" him
+handsomely.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Me!</i>' exclaimed Sponge; 'bless your heart, man, I can't write
+anything&mdash;nothing fit to print, at least.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hout, fiddle!' retorted Spraggon, 'you can write as well as any other man;
+see what lots of fellows write, and nobody ever finds fault.'</p>
+
+<p>'But the spellin' bothers one,' replied Sponge, with a shake of his elbow
+and body, as if the idea was quite out of the question.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang the spellin',' muttered Jack, 'one can always borrow a dictionary; or
+let the man of the paper&mdash;the editor, as they call him&mdash;smooth out the
+spellin'. You say at the end of your letter, that your hands are cold, or
+your hand aches with holdin' a pullin' horse, and you'll thank him to
+correct any inadvertencies&mdash;you needn't call them errors, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'But where's the use of it?' exclaimed Sponge; 'it'll do us no good, you
+know, praisin' Puff's pack, or himself, or anything about him.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's just the point,' said Jack, 'that's just the point. I can make it
+answer both our purposes,' said he, with a nudge of the elbow, and an
+inside-out squint of his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, that's another matter,' replied our friend; 'if we can turn the thing
+to account, well and good&mdash;I'm your man for a shy.'</p>
+
+<p>'We <i>can</i> turn it to account,' rejoined Jack; 'we <i>can</i> turn it to
+account&mdash;at least <i>I</i> can; but then you must do it. He wouldn't take it as
+any compliment from me. It's the stranger that sees all things in their
+true lights. D'ye understand?' asked he eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>'I twig,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'You write the account,' continued Jack, 'and I'll manage the rest.'</p>
+
+<p>'You must help me,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly,' replied Jack; 'we'll do it together, and go halves in the
+plunder.'</p>
+
+<p>'Humph,' mused Sponge: 'halves,' said he to himself. 'And what will you
+give me for my half?' asked he.</p><p><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Give you!' exclaimed Jack, brightening up. 'Give you! Let me see,'
+continued he, pretending to consider&mdash;'Puff's rich&mdash;Puff's a liberal
+fellow&mdash;Puff's a conceited beggar&mdash;mix it strong,' said Jack, 'and I'll
+give you ten pounds.'</p>
+
+<p>'Make it twelve,' replied Sponge, after a pause.</p>
+
+<p>If Jack had said twelve. Sponge would have asked fourteen.</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't,' said Jack, with a shake of the head; 'it really isn't with
+(worth) the money.'</p>
+
+<p>The two then rode on in silence for some little distance.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll tell you what I'll do,' said Jack, spurring his horse, and trotting
+up the space that the other had now shot ahead. 'I'll split the difference
+with you!'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, give me the sov.,' said Sponge, holding out his hand for earnest.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I haven't a sov. upon me,' replied Jack; 'but, honour bright, I'll do
+what I say.'</p>
+
+<p>'Give me eleven golden sovereigns for my chance,' repeated Sponge slowly,
+in order that there might be no mistake.</p>
+
+<p>'Eleven golden sovereigns for your chance,' repeated Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Done!' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Done!' repeated Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Let's jog on and do it at once while the thing's fresh in our minds,' said
+Jack, working his horse into a trot.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge did the same; and the grass-siding of Orlantire Parkwall favouring
+their design, they increased the trot to a canter. They soon passed the
+park's bounds, and entering upon one of those rarities&mdash;an unenclosed
+common, angled its limits so as to escape the side-bar, and turning up
+Farningham Green lane, came out upon the Kingsworth and Swillingford
+turnpike within sight of Hanby House.</p>
+
+<p>'We'd better pull up and walk the horses gently in, p'raps,' observed
+Sponge, reining his in.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! I was only wantin' to get home before the rest,' observed Jack,
+pulling up too.</p>
+
+<p>They then proceeded more leisurely together.</p>
+
+<p>'We'd better get into one of our bedrooms to do it,' observed Jack, as they
+passed the lodge. <a name="Page_331" id="Page_331"></a>'Just so,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I dare say we shall
+want all the quiet we can get.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no!' said Jack; 'the thing's simple enough&mdash;met at such a place&mdash;found
+at such another&mdash;killed at so and so.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I hope it will,' said Sponge, riding into the stable-yard, and
+resigning his steed to the care of his groom.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 273px;">
+<img src="images/image331.jpg" width="273" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Jack did the same by Sponge's other horse, which he had been riding, and in
+reply to Leather's inquiry (who stood with his right hand ready, as if to
+shake hands with him), 'how the horse had carried him?' replied:</p>
+
+<p>'Cursed ill,' and stamped away without giving him anything.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, <i>you're</i> a gen'leman, you are,' muttered Leather, as he led the horse
+away. <a name="Page_332" id="Page_332"></a>'Now, come!' exclaimed Jack to Sponge, 'come! let's get in before
+any of those bothersome fellows come'; adding, as he dived into a passage,
+'I'll show you the back way.'</p>
+
+<p>After passing a scullery, a root-house, and a spacious entrance-hall, upon
+a table in which stood the perpetual beer-jug and bread-basket, a green
+baize door let them into the regions of upper service, and passing the
+dashed carpets of the housekeeper's room and butler's pantry, a red baize
+door let them into the far-side of the front entrance. Having deposited
+their hats and whips, they bounded up the richly carpeted staircase to
+their rooms.</p>
+
+<p>Hanby House, as we have already said, was splendidly furnished. All the
+grandeur did not run to the entertaining rooms; but each particular
+apartment, from the state bedroom down to the smallest bachelor snuggery,
+was replete with elegance and comfort.</p>
+
+<p>Like many houses, however, the bedrooms possessed every imaginable luxury
+except boot-jacks and pens that would write. In Sponge's room for instance,
+there were hip-baths, and foot-baths, a shower-bath, and hot and cold baths
+adjoining, and mirrors innumerable; an eight-day mantel-clock, by Moline of
+Geneva, that struck the hours, half-hours, and quarters: cut-glass toilet
+candlesticks, with silver sconces; an elegant zebra-wood cabinet; also a
+beautiful davenport of zebra-wood, with a plate-glass back, containing a
+pen rug worked on silver ground, an ebony match box, a blue crystal,
+containing a sponge pen-wiper, a beautiful envelope-case, a white-cornelian
+seal, with 'Hanby House' upon it, wax of all colours, papers of all
+textures, envelopes without end&mdash;every imaginable requirement of
+correspondence except a pen that would write. There <i>were</i> pens,
+indeed&mdash;there almost always are&mdash;but they were miserable apologies of
+things; some were mere crow-quills&mdash;sort of cover-hacks of pens, while
+others were great, clumsy, heavy-heeled, cart-horse sort of things, clotted
+up to the hocks with ink, or split all the way through&mdash;vexatious
+apologies, that throw a person over just at the critical moment, when he
+has got his sheet prepared and his ideas all ready to pour upon paper;
+<a name="Page_333" id="Page_333"></a>then splut&mdash;splut&mdash;splutter goes the pen, and away goes the train of
+thought. Bold is the man who undertakes to write his letters in his bedroom
+with country-house pens. But, to our friends. Jack and Sponge slept next
+door to each other; Sponge, as we have already said, occupying the
+state-room, with its canopy-topped bedstead, carved and panelled sides, and
+elegant chintz curtains lined with pink, and massive silk-and-bullion
+tassels; while Jack occupied the dressing-room, which was the state bedroom
+in miniature, only a good deal more comfortable. The rooms communicated
+with double doors, and our friends very soon effected a passage.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you any 'baccy?' asked Jack, waddling in in his slippers, after
+having sucked off his tops without the aid of a boot-jack.</p>
+
+<p>'There's some in my jacket pocket,' replied Sponge, nodding to where it
+hung in the wardrobe; 'but it won't do to smoke here, will it?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' inquired Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Such a fine room,' replied Sponge, looking around.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, fine be hanged!' replied Jack, adding, as he made for the jacket, 'no
+place too fine for smokin' in.'</p>
+
+<p>Having helped himself to one of the best cigars, and lighted it, Jack
+composed himself cross-legged in an easy, spring, stuffed chair, while
+Sponge fussed about among the writing implements, watering and stirring up
+the clotted ink, and denouncing each pen in succession, as he gave it the
+initiatory trial in writing the word 'Sponge.'</p>
+
+<p>'Curse the pens!' exclaimed he, throwing the last bright crisp yellow thing
+from him in disgust. 'There's not one among 'em that can go!&mdash;all reg'larly
+stumped up.'</p>
+
+<p>'Haven't you a penknife?' asked Jack, taking the cigar out of his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Take a razor, then,' said Jack, who was good at an expedient.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll take one of yours,' said Sponge, going into the dressing-room for
+one. <a name="Page_334" id="Page_334"></a>'Hang it, but you're rather too sharp,' exclaimed Jack, with a shake
+of his head.</p>
+
+<p>'It's more than your razor 'll be when I'm done with it,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Having at length, with the aid of Jack's razor, succeeded in getting a pen
+that would write, Mr. Sponge selected a sheet of best cream-laid satin
+paper, and, taking a cane-bottomed chair, placed himself at the table in an
+attitude for writing. Dipping the fine yellow pen in the ink, he looked in
+Jack's face for an idea. Jack, who had now got well advanced in the cigar,
+sat squinting through his spectacles at our scribe, though apparently
+looking at the top of the bed.</p>
+
+<p>'Well?' said Sponge, with a look of inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Jack, in a tone of indifference.</p>
+
+<p>'How shall I begin?' asked Sponge, twirling the pen between his fingers,
+and spluttering the ink over the paper.</p>
+
+<p>'Begin!' replied Jack, 'begin, oh, begin, just as you usually begin.'</p>
+
+<p>'As a letter?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I 'spose so,' replied Jack; 'how would you think?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I don't know,' replied Sponge. 'Will <i>you</i> try your hand?' added he,
+holding out the pen.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, I'm busy just now, you see,' said he, pointing to his cigar, 'and
+that horse of yours' (Jack had ridden the redoubtable chestnut,
+Multum in Parvo, who had gone very well in the company of Hercules) pulled
+so confoundedly that I've almost lost the use of my fingers,' continued he,
+working away as if he had got the cramp in both hands; 'but I'll prompt
+you,' added he, 'I'll prompt you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why don't you begin then?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Begin!' exclaimed Jack, taking the cigar from his lips; 'begin!' repeated
+he, 'oh, I'll begin directly&mdash;didn't know you were ready.'</p>
+
+<p>Jack then threw himself back in his chair, and sticking out his little
+bandy legs, turned the whites of his eyes up to the ceiling, as if lost in
+meditation.</p>
+
+<p>'Begin,' said he, after a pause, 'begin, "This splendid pack had a stunning
+run."'</p>
+
+<p>'But we must put <i>what</i> pack first,' observed Sponge, <a name="Page_335" id="Page_335"></a>writing the words
+'Mr. Puffington's hounds' at the top of the paper. 'Well,' said he, writing
+on, 'this stunning pack had a splendid run.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, not stunning <i>pack</i>,' growled Jack, '<i>splendid</i> pack&mdash;"this splendid
+pack had a stunning run."'</p>
+
+<p>'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, writing it down; 'well,' said he looking up,
+'I've got it.'</p>
+
+<p>'This stunning pack had a splendid run,' repeated Jack, squinting away at
+the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>'I thought you said <i>splendid</i> pack,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'So I did,' replied Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'You said stunning just now,' rejoined he.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that was a slip of the tongue,' said Jack. 'This splendid pack had a
+stunning run,' repeated Jack, appealing again to his cigar for inspiration;
+'well, then,' said he, after a pause, 'you just go on as usual, you know,'
+continued he, with a flourish of his great red hand.</p>
+
+<p>'As usual!' exclaimed Sponge, 'you don't s'pose one's pen goes of itself.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, no,' replied Jack, knocking the ashes off his cigar on to the
+arabesque-patterned tapestry carpet&mdash;'why, no, not exactly; but these
+things, you know, are a good deal matter of course; just describe what you
+saw, you know, and butter Puff well, that's the main point.'</p>
+
+<p>'But you forget,' replied Sponge, 'I don't know the country, I don't know
+the people, I don't know anything at all about the run&mdash;I never once looked
+at the hounds.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's nothin',' replied Jack, 'there'd be plenty like you in that
+respect. However,' continued he, gathering himself up in his chair as if
+for an effort, 'you can say&mdash;let me see what you can say&mdash;you can say,
+"this splendid pack had a stunning run from Hollyburn Hanger, the property
+of its truly popular master, Mr. Puffington," or&mdash;stop,' said Jack,
+checking himself, 'say, "the property of its truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington." The cover's just as much mine as it's his,'
+observed Jack; 'it belongs to old Sir Timothy Tensthemain, who's vegetating
+at Boulogne-sur-Mer, but Puff says he'll buy it when it comes to the
+hammer, so we'll flatter him by considering it his already, just as we
+flatter him by calling him a sportsman&mdash;<i>sportsman</i>!' <a name="Page_336" id="Page_336"></a>added Jack, with a
+sneer, 'he's just as much taste for the thing as a cow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Sponge, looking up, 'I've got "truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington,"' adding, 'hadn't we better say something about the
+meet and the grand spread here before we begin with the run?'</p>
+
+<p>'True,' replied Jack, after a long-drawn whiff and another adjustment of
+the end of his cigar; 'say that "a splendid field of well-appointed
+sportsmen"&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen,' wrote Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'"Among whom we recognized several distinguished strangers and members of
+Lord Scamperdale's hunt." That means you and I,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'"Of Lord Scamperdale's hunt&mdash;that means you and I"'&mdash;read Sponge, as he
+wrote it.</p>
+
+<p>'But you're not to put in that; you're not to write "that means you and I,"
+my man,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I thought that was part of the sentence,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No, no,' said Jack; 'I meant to say that you and I were the distinguished
+strangers and members of Lord Scamperdale's hunt; but that's between
+ourselves, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Good,' said Sponge; 'then I'll strike that out,' running his pen through
+the words 'that means you and I.' 'Now get on,' said he, appealing to Jack,
+adding, 'we've a deal to do yet.'</p>
+
+<p>'Say,' said Jack, '"after partaking of the well-known profuse and splendid
+hospitality of Hanby House, they proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger,
+where a fine seasoned fox&mdash;though some said he was a bag one&mdash;"'</p>
+
+<p>'Did they?' exclaimed Sponge, adding, 'well, I thought he went away rather
+queerly.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, it was only old Bung the brewer, who runs down every run he doesn't
+ride.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind,' replied Sponge, 'we'll make the best of it, whatever it
+was'; writing away as he spoke, and repeating the words 'bag one' as he
+penned them.</p>
+
+<p>'"Broke away,"' continued Jack:</p>
+
+<p>'"In view of the whole field,"' added Sponge. <a name="Page_337" id="Page_337"></a>'Just so,' assented Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'"Every hound scoring to cry, and making the "&mdash;the&mdash;the&mdash;what d'ye call
+the thing?' asked Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Country,' suggested Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head.</p>
+
+<p>'Hill and dale?' tried Sponge again.</p>
+
+<p>'Welkin!' exclaimed Jack, hitting it off himself&mdash;'"makin' the welkin ring
+with their melody!" makin' the welkin ring with their melody,' repeated he,
+with exultation.</p>
+
+<p>'Capital!' observed Sponge, as he wrote it.</p>
+
+<p>'Equal to Littlelegs,'<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.</p>
+
+<p>'We'll make a grand thing of it,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'So we will,' replied Jack, adding, 'if we had but a book of po'try we'd
+weave in some lines here. You haven't a book o' no sort with you that we
+could prig a little po'try from?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sponge thoughtfully. 'I'm afraid not; indeed, I'm sure not.
+I've got nothin' but <i>Mogg's Cab Fares</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that won't do,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head. 'But stay,'
+said he, 'there are some books over yonder,' pointing to the top of an
+Indian cabinet, and squinting in a totally different direction. 'Let's see
+what they are,' added he, rising, and stumping away to where they stood. <i>I
+Promessi Sposi</i>, read he off the back of one. 'What can that mean! Ah, it's
+Latin,' said he, opening the volume. <i>Contes &agrave; ma Fille</i>, read he off the
+back of another. 'That sounds like racin',' observed he, opening the
+volume, 'it's Latin too,' said he, returning it. 'However, never mind,
+we'll "sugar Puff's milk," as Mr. Bragg would say, without po'try.' So
+saying, Mr. Spraggon stumped back to his easy-chair. 'Well, now,' said he,
+seating himself comfortably in it, 'let's see where did we go first? "He
+broke at the lower end of the cover, and, crossing the brook, made straight
+for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which, you may say, "there's always a
+ravishing scent."' <a name="Page_338" id="Page_338"></a>'Have you got that?' asked Jack, after what he thought
+a sufficient lapse of time for writing it.</p>
+
+<p>'"Ravishing scent,"' repeated Sponge as he wrote the words.</p>
+
+<p>'Very good,' said Jack, smoking and considering. '"From there,"' continued
+he, '"he made a bit of a bend, as if inclining for the plantations at
+Winstead, but, changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing
+over nearly the highest part of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+little village of Berrington Roothings below."'</p>
+
+<p>'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I haven't got half that; I've only got to "the
+plantations at Winstead."' Sponge made play with his pen, and presently
+held it up in token of being done.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' pondered Jack, 'there was a check there. Say,' continued he,
+addressing himself to Sponge, '"Here the hounds came to a check."'</p>
+
+<p>'Here the hounds came to a check,' wrote Sponge. 'Shall we say anything
+about distance?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'P'raps we may as well,' replied Jack. 'We shall have to stretch it though
+a bit.'</p>
+
+<p>'Let's see,' continued he; 'from the cover to Berrington Roothings over by
+Shillington Hill and Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows will be&mdash;say, two miles and
+a half or three miles at the most&mdash;call it four, well, four miles&mdash;say four
+miles in twelve minutes, twenty miles an hour,&mdash;too quick&mdash;four miles in
+fifteen minutes, sixteen miles an hour; no&mdash;I think p'raps it'll be safer
+to lump the distance at the end, and put in a place or two that nobody
+knows the name of, for the convenience of those who were not out.'</p>
+
+<p>'But those who <i>were</i> out will blab, won't they?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Only to each other,' replied Jack. 'They'll all stand up for the truth of
+it as against strangers. You need never be afraid of over-eggin' the
+puddin' for those that were out.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then,' observed Sponge, looking at his paper to report progress,
+'we've got the hounds to a check. "Here the hounds came to a check,"' read
+he. <a name="Page_339" id="Page_339"></a>'Ah! now, then,' said Jack, in a tone of disgust, 'we must say summut
+handsome of Bragg; and of all conceited animals under the sun, he certainly
+is the most conceited. I never saw such a man! How that unfortunate,
+infatuated master of his keeps him, I can't for the life of me imagine.
+<i>Master</i>! faith, Bragg's the <i>master</i>,' continued Jack, who now began to
+foam at the mouth. 'He laughs at old Puff to his face; yet it's wonderful
+the influence Bragg has over him. I really believe he has talked Puff into
+believing that there's not such another huntsman under the sun, and really
+he's as great a muff as ever walked. He can just dress the character, and
+that's all.' So saying Jack wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his red coat
+preparatory to displaying Mr. Bragg upon paper.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now we are at fault,' said Jack, motioning Sponge to resume; 'we are
+at fault; now say, "but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past mark of
+mouth&mdash;" He <i>is</i> a good horse, at least <i>was</i>,' observed Jack, adding, 'I
+sold Puff him, he was one of old Sugarlip's,' meaning Lord Scamperdale's.</p>
+
+<p>'Sure to be a good 'un, then,' replied Sponge, with a wink, adding, 'I
+wonder if he'd like to buy any more?'</p>
+
+<p>'We'll talk about that after,' replied Jack, 'at present let us get on with
+our run.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Sponge, 'I've got it: "Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on
+his favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past
+mark of mouth&mdash;"'</p>
+
+<p>'"Was well up with his hounds,"' continued Jack, '"and with a gently,
+Rantipole! and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to make one of those
+scientific casts for which this eminent huntsman is so justly celebrated."
+Justly <i>celebrated</i>!' repeated Jack, spitting on the carpet with a hawk of
+disgust; 'the conceited self-sufficient bantam-cock never made a cast worth
+a copper, or rode a yard but when he thought somebody was looking at him.'</p>
+
+<p>'I've got it,' said Sponge, who had plied his pen to good purpose.</p>
+
+<p>'Justly celebrated,' repeated Jack, with a snort.<a name="Page_340" id="Page_340"></a> 'Well, then, say,
+"Hitting off the scent like a workman"&mdash;big H, you know, for a fresh
+sentence&mdash;"they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch farm
+buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn, he crossed
+Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right, and passing straight
+on by the gibbet at Harpen." Those are all bits of places, observed Jack,
+'that none but the country folks know; indeed, I shouldn't have known them
+but for shootin' over them when old Bloss lived at the Green. Well, now,
+have you got all that?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'"Gibbet at Harpen,"' read Sponge, as he wrote it.</p>
+
+<p>'"Here, then, the gallant pack, breaking from scent to view,"' continued
+Jack, speaking slowly, '"ran into their fox in the open close upon
+Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from the first, and into which a few
+more strides would have carried him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen,
+and the hunting of the hounds was the admiration of all who saw it. The
+distance couldn't have been less than"&mdash;than&mdash;what shall we say?' asked
+Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Ten, twelve miles, as the crow flies,' suggested Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' said Jack,' that would be too much. Say ten'; adding, 'that will be
+four miles more than it was.'</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind,' said Sponge, as he wrote it; 'folks like good measure with
+runs as well as ribbons.'</p>
+
+<p>'Now we must butter old Puff,' observed Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'What can we say for him?' asked Sponge; 'that he never went off the road?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, by Jove!' said Jack; 'you'll spoil all if you do that: better leave it
+alone altogether than do that. Say, "the justly popular owner of this most
+celebrated pack, though riding good fourteen stone" (he rides far more,'
+observed Jack; 'at least sixteen; but it'll please him to make out that he
+<i>can</i> ride fourteen), "led the welters, on his famous chestnut horse,
+Tappey Lappey."'</p>
+
+<p>'What shall we say about the rest?' asked Sponge; 'Lumpleg, Slapp, Guano,
+and all those?'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 265px;">
+<img src="images/image341.jpg" width="265" height="300" alt="JACK AND MR. SPONGE WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SWILLINGFORD
+PAPER" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JACK AND MR. SPONGE WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SWILLINGFORD
+PAPER</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Oh, say nothin',' replied Jack; 'we've nothin' to do with nobody but Puff,
+and we couldn't mention them <a name="Page_341" id="Page_341"></a>without bringin' in our Flat Hat men
+too&mdash;Blossomnose, Fyle, Fossick, and so on. Besides, it would spoil all to
+say that Guano was up&mdash;people would say directly it couldn't have been much
+of a run if Guano was there. You might finish off,' observed Jack, after a
+pause, 'by saying that "after this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+like a thorough sportsman, and one who never trashes his hounds
+unnecessarily&mdash;unlike some masters," you may say, "who never know when to
+leave off" (that will be a hit at Old Scamp,' observed Jack, with a
+frightful squint), '"returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party
+of sportsmen&mdash;" or, say, "a distinguished party of noblemen and
+gentlemen"&mdash;that'll please the ass more&mdash;"a large party of noblemen and
+<a name="Page_342" id="Page_342"></a>gentlemen were partaking of his"&mdash;his&mdash;what shall we call it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Grub!' said Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No, no&mdash;summut genteel&mdash;his&mdash;his&mdash;his&mdash;"splendid hospitality!"' concluded
+Jack, waving his arm triumphantly over his head.</p>
+
+<p>'Hard work, authorship!' exclaimed Sponge, as he finished writing, and
+threw down the pen.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'I could go on for an hour.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, <i>you</i>!&mdash;that's all very well,' replied Sponge, 'for you, squatting
+comfortably in your arm-chair: but consider me, toiling with my pen,
+bothered with the writing, and craning at the spelling.'</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind, we've done it,' replied Jack, adding, 'Puff'll be as pleased
+as Punch. We've polished him off uncommon. That's just the sort of account
+to tickle the beggar. He'll go riding about the country, showing it to
+everybody, and wondering who wrote it.'</p>
+
+<p>'And what shall we send it to?&mdash;the <i>Sporting Magazine</i>, or what?' asked
+Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Sporting Magazine!</i>&mdash;no,' replied Jack; 'wouldn't be out till next
+year&mdash;quick's the word in these railway times. Send it to a
+newspaper&mdash;<i>Bell's Life</i>, or one of the Swillingford papers. Either of them
+would be glad to put it in.'</p>
+
+<p>'I hope they'll be able to read it,' observed Sponge, looking at the
+blotched and scrawled manuscript.</p>
+
+<p>'Trust them for that,' replied Jack, adding, 'If there's any word that
+bothers them, they've nothing to do but look in the dictionary&mdash;these folks
+all have dictionaries, wonderful fellows for spellin'.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then a little buttony page, in green and gold, came in to ask if there
+were any letters for the post; and our friends hastily made up their
+packet, directing it to the editor of the Swillingford '<span class="smcap">guide to glory
+and freeman's friend</span>'; words that in the hurried style of Mr. Sponge's
+penmanship looked very like '<span class="smcap">guide to grog, and freeman's
+friend</span>.'</p><p><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XL" id="CHAPTER_XL"></a>CHAPTER XL</h2>
+
+<h3>A LITERARY BLOOMER</h3>
+
+
+<p>Time was when the independent borough of Swillingford supported two
+newspapers, or rather two editors, the editor of the <i>Swillingford
+Patriot</i>, and the editor of the <i>Swillingford Guide to Glory</i>; but those
+were stirring days, when politics ran high and votes and corn commanded
+good prices. The papers were never very prosperous concerns, as may be
+supposed when we say that the circulation of the former at its best time
+was barely seven hundred, while that of the latter never exceeded a
+thousand.</p>
+
+<p>They were both started at the reform times, when the reduction of the
+stamp-duty brought so many aspiring candidates for literary fame into the
+field, and for a time they were conducted with all the bitter hostility
+that a contracted neighbourhood, and a constant crossing by the editors of
+each other's path, could engender. The competition, too, for
+advertisements, was keen, and the editors were continually taunting each
+other with taking them for the duty alone. &AElig;neas M'Quirter was the editor
+of the <i>Patriot</i>, and Felix Grimes that of the <i>Guide to Glory</i>.</p>
+
+<p>M'Quirter, we need hardly say, was a Scotsman&mdash;a big, broad-shouldered
+Sawney&mdash;formidable in 'slacks,' as he called his trousers, and terrific in
+kilts; while Grimes was a native of Swillingford, an ex-schoolmaster and
+parish clerk, and now an auctioneer, a hatter, a dyer and bleacher, a
+paper-hanger, to which the wits said when he set up his paper, he added the
+trade of 'stainer.'</p>
+
+<p>At first the rival editors carried on a 'war to the knife' sort of contest
+with one another, each denouncing his adversary in terms of the most
+unmeasured severity. In this they were warmly supported by a select knot of
+admirers, to whom they read their weekly effusions at their respective
+'houses of call' the evening before publication. Gradually the fire of
+bitterness began to pale, and the excitement of friends to die out;
+M'Quirter <a name="Page_344" id="Page_344"></a>presently put forth a signal of distress. To accommodate 'a
+large and influential number of its subscribers and patrons,' he determined
+to publish on a Tuesday instead of on a Saturday as heretofore, whereupon
+Mr. Grimes, who had never been able to fill a single sheet properly, now
+doubled his paper, lowered his charge for advertisements, and hinted at his
+intention of publishing an occasional supplement.</p>
+
+<p>However exciting it may be for a time, parties soon tire of carrying on a
+losing game for the mere sake of abusing each other, and &AElig;neas M'Quirter
+not being behind the generality of his countrymen in 'canniness' and
+shrewdness of intellect, came to the conclusion that it was no use doing so
+in this case, especially as the few remaining friends who still applauded
+would be very sorry to subscribe anything towards his losses. He therefore
+very quietly negotiated the sale of his paper to the rival editor, and
+having concluded a satisfactory bargain, he placed the bulk of his property
+in the poke of his plaid, and walked out of Swillingford just as if bent on
+taking the air, leaving Mr. Grimes in undisputed possession of both papers,
+who forthwith commenced leading both Whig and Tory mind, the one on the
+Tuesday, the other on the Saturday.</p>
+
+<p>The pot and pipe companions of course saw how things were, but the majority
+of the readers living in the country just continued to pin their faith to
+the printed declarations of their oracles, while Grimes kept up the
+delusion of sincerity by every now and then fulminating a tremendous
+denunciation against his trimming, vacillating, inconsistent opponent on
+the Tuesday, and then retaliating with equal vigour upon himself on the
+Saturday. He wrote his own 'leaders,' both Whig and Tory, the arguments of
+one side pointing out answers for the other. Sometimes he led the way for a
+triumphant refutal, while the general tone of the articles was quite of the
+'upset a ministry' style. Indeed, Grimes strutted and swaggered as if the
+fate of the nation rested with him.</p>
+
+<p>The papers themselves were not very flourishing-looking concerns, the
+wide-spread paragraphs, the staring type, the catching advertisements,
+forming a <a name="Page_345" id="Page_345"></a>curious contrast to the close packing of <i>The Times</i>. The 'Gutta
+Percha Company,' 'Locock's Female Pills,' 'Keating's Cough Lozenges,' and
+the 'Triumphs of Medicine,' all with staring woodcuts and royal arms,
+occupied conspicuous places in every paper. A new advertisement was a
+novelty. However, the two papers answered a great deal better than either
+did singly, and any lack of matter was easily supplied from the magazines
+and new books. In this department, indeed, in the department of elegant
+light literature generally, Mr. Grimes was ably assisted by his eldest
+daughter, Lucy, a young lady of a certain age&mdash;say liberal thirty&mdash;an
+ardent Bloomer&mdash;with a considerable taste for sentimental poetry, with
+which she generally filled the poet's corner. This assistance enabled
+Grimes to look after his auctioneering, bleaching, and paper-hanging
+concerns, and it so happened that when the foregoing run arrived at the
+office he, having seen the next paper ready for press, had gone to Mr.
+Vosper's, some ten miles off, to paper his drawing-room, consequently the
+duties of deciding upon its publication devolved on the Bloomer. Now, she
+was a most refined, puritanical young woman, full of sentiment and
+elegance, with a strong objection to what she considered the inhumanities
+of the chase. At first she was for rejecting the article altogether, and
+had it been a run with the Tinglebury Harriers, or even, we believe, with
+Lord Scamperdale's hounds, she would have consigned it to the 'Balaam box,'
+but seeing it was with Mr. Puffington's hounds, whose house they had
+papered, and who advertised with them, she condescended to read it; and
+though her delicacy was shocked at encountering the word 'stunning' at the
+outset, and also at the term 'ravishing scent' farther on, she nevertheless
+sent the manuscript to the compositors, after making such alterations and
+corrections as she thought would fit it for eyes polite. The consequence
+was that the article appeared in the following form, though whether all the
+absurdities were owing to Miss Lucy's corrections, or the carelessness of
+the writer, or the printers, had anything to do with it, we are not able to
+say. The errors, some of them arising from the mere <a name="Page_346" id="Page_346"></a>alteration or
+substitution of a letter, will strike a sporting more than a general
+reader. Thus it appeared in the middle of the third sheet of the
+<i>Swillingford Patriot</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS.</p>
+
+<p>This splendid pack had a superb run from Hollyburn Hanger, the
+property of its truly popular and sporting owner, Mr. Puffington.
+A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen, among whom we
+recognized several distinguished strangers, and members of Lord
+Scamperdale's hunt, were present. After partaking of the
+well-known profuse and splendid hospitality of Hanby House, they
+proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger, where a fine seasonal fox,
+though some said he was a bay one, broke away in view of the whole
+pack, every hound scorning to cry, and making the welkin ring with
+their melody. He broke at the lower end of the cover, and crossing
+the brook, made straight for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which
+there is always an exquisite perfume; from there he made a slight
+bend, as if inclining for the plantations at Winstead, but
+changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing over
+nearly the highest point of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+little village of Berrington Roothings below. Here the hounds came
+to a check, but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat
+past work of mouth, was well up with his hounds, and with a
+'gentle rantipole!' and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to
+make one of those scientific rests for which this eminent huntsman
+is so justly celebrated. Hitting off the scent like a coachman,
+they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch Farm
+buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn,
+he crossed Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right,
+and passing straight on by the gibbet at Harpen. Here, then, the
+gallant pack, breaking from scent to view, ran into their box in
+the open close upon Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from
+the first, and into which a few more strides <a name="Page_347" id="Page_347"></a>would have carried
+him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen, and the grunting of
+the hounds was the admiration of all who heard it. The distance
+could not have been less than ten miles as a cow goes. The justly
+popular owner of this most celebrated pack, though riding good
+fourteen stones, led the Walters on his famous chestnut horse
+Tappy Lappey. After this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+like a thorough sportsman, and one who never thrashes his hounds
+unnecessarily&mdash;unlike some masters who never know when to leave
+off&mdash;returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party of
+noblemen and gentlemen partook of his splendid hospitality.</p></div>
+
+<p>And the considerate Bloomer added of her own accord, 'We hope we shall have
+to record many such runs in the imperishable columns of our paper.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<img src="images/image347.jpg" width="292" height="300" alt="MISS GRIMES GIVING THE &#39;CORRECTED&#39; COPY TO THE PRINTER" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MISS GRIMES GIVING THE &#39;CORRECTED&#39; COPY TO THE PRINTER</span>
+</div><p><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLI" id="CHAPTER_XLI"></a>CHAPTER XLI</h2>
+
+<h3>A DINNER AND A DEAL</h3>
+
+
+<p>Another grand dinner, on a more extensive scale than its predecessor,
+marked the day of this glorious run.</p>
+
+<p>'There's goin' to be a great blow-out,' observed Mr. Spraggon to Mr.
+Sponge, as, crossing his hands and resting them on the crown of his head,
+he threw himself back in his easy-chair, to recruit after the exertion of
+concocting the description of the run.</p>
+
+<p>'How d'ye know?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Saw by the dinner table as we passed,' replied Jack, adding, 'it reaches
+nearly to the door.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' said Sponge, 'I wonder who's coming?'</p>
+
+<p>'Most likely Guano again; indeed, I know he is, for I asked his groom if he
+was going home, and he said no; and Lumpleg, you may be sure, and possibly
+old Blossomnose, Slapp, and, very likely, young Pacey.'</p>
+
+<p>'Are they chaps with any "go" in them?&mdash;shake their elbows, or anything of
+that sort?' asked Sponge, working away as if he had the dice-box in his
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>'I hardly know,' replied Jack thoughtfully. 'I hardly know. Young Pacey, I
+think, might be made summut on; but his uncle, Major Screw, looks uncommon
+sharp after him, and he's a minor.'</p>
+
+<p>'Would he <i>pay</i>?' asked Sponge, who, keeping as he said, 'no books,' was
+not inclined to do business on 'tick.'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Jack, squinting at half-cock; 'don't know&mdash;would
+depend a good deal, I should say, upon how it was done. It's a deuced
+unhandsome world this. If one wins a trifle of a youngster at cards, let it
+be ever so openly done, it's sure to say one's cheated him, just because
+one happens to be a little older, as if age had anything to do with making
+the cards come right.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's an ungenerous world,' observed Sponge, 'and it's no use being abused
+for nothing. What sort of a genius is Pacey? Is he inclined to go the
+pace?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, quite,' replied Jack; 'his great desire is to be thought a
+sportsman.'</p><p><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349"></a></p>
+
+<p>'A sportsman or a sporting man?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'W-h-o-y! I should say p'raps a sportin' man more than the sportsman,'
+replied Jack. 'He's a great lumberin' lad, buttons his great stomach into a
+Newmarket cutaway, and carries a betting-book in his breast pocket.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he's a bettor, is he!' exclaimed Sponge, brightening up.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a raw poult of a chap,' replied Jack; 'just ready for anything&mdash;in a
+small way, at least&mdash;a chap that's always offering two to one in
+half-crowns. He'll have money, though, and can't be far off age. His father
+was a great spectacle-maker. You have heard of Pacey's spectacles?'</p>
+
+<p>'Can't say as how I have,' replied Sponge, adding, 'they are more in your
+line than mine.'</p>
+
+<p>The further consideration of the youth was interrupted by the entrance of a
+footman with hot water, who announced that dinner would be ready in half an
+hour.</p>
+
+<p>'Who's there coming?' asked Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know 'xactly, sir,' replied the man; 'believe much the same party as
+yesterday, with the addition of Mr. Pacey; Mr. Miller, of Newton; Mr. Fogo,
+of Bellevue; Mr. Brown, of the Hill; and some others whose names I forget.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is Major Screw coming?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I rayther think not, sir. I think I heard Mr. Plummey, the butler, say he
+declined.'</p>
+
+<p>'So much the better,' growled Jack, throwing off his purple-lapped coat in
+commencement of his toilette. As the two dressed they discussed the point
+how Pacey might be done.</p>
+
+<p>When our friends got downstairs it was evident there was a great spread.
+Two red-plushed footmen stood on guard in the entrance, helping the
+arrivers out of their wraps, while a buzz of conversation sounded through
+the partially opened drawing-room door, as Mr. Plummey stood, handle in
+hand, to announce the names of the guests. Our friends, having the entr&eacute;e,
+of course passed in as at home, and mingled with the comers and stayers.
+Guest after guest quickly followed, almost all making <a name="Page_350" id="Page_350"></a>the same
+observation, namely, that it was a fine day for the time of year, and then
+each sidled off, rubbing his hands, to the fire. Captain Guano monopolized
+about one-half of it, like a Colossus of Rhodes, with a coat-lap under each
+arm. He seemed to think that, being a stayer, he had more right to the fire
+than the mere diners.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington moved briskly among the motley throng, now expatiating on
+the splendour of the run, now hoping a friend was hungry, asking a third
+after his wife, and apologizing to a fourth for not having called on his
+sister. Still his real thoughts were in the kitchen, and he kept counting
+noses and looking anxiously at the timepiece. After the door had had a
+longer rest than usual, Blossomnose at last cast up: 'Now we're all here
+surely!' thought he, counting about; 'one, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen,
+myself fifteen&mdash;fifteen, fifteen, must be another&mdash;sixteen, eight couple
+asked. Oh, that Pacey's wanting; always comes late, won't wait'&mdash;so saying,
+or rather thinking, Mr. Puffington rang the bell and ordered dinner. Pacey
+then cast up.</p>
+
+<p>He was just the sort of swaggering youth that Jack had described; a youth
+who thought money would do everything in the world&mdash;make him a gentleman,
+in short. He came rolling into the room, grinning as if he had done
+something fine in being late. He had both his great red hands in his tight
+trouser pockets, and drew the right one out to favour his friends with it
+'all hot.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm late, I guess,' said he, grinning round at the assembled guests, now
+dispersed in the various attitudes of expectant eaters, some standing ready
+for a start, some half-sitting on tables and sofa ends, others resigning
+themselves complacently to their chairs, abusing Mr. Pacey and all dinner
+delayers.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm late, I guess,' repeated he, as he now got navigated up to his host
+and held out his hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, never mind,' replied Puffington, accepting as little of the proffered
+paw as he could; 'never mind,' repeated he, adding, as he looked at the
+French clock on the mantelpiece now chiming a quarter past six, 'I dare say
+I told you we dined at half-past five.'</p><p><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Dare say you did, old boy,' replied Pacey, kicking out his legs, and
+giving Puffington what he meant for a friendly poke in the stomach, but
+which in reality nearly knocked his wind out; 'dare say you did, old boy,
+but so you did last time, if you remember, and deuce a bite did I get
+before six; so I thought I'd be quits with you
+this&mdash;<i>he&mdash;he&mdash;he&mdash;haw&mdash;haw&mdash;haw</i>,' grinning and staring about as if he had
+done something very clever.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 228px;">
+<img src="images/image351.jpg" width="228" height="300" alt="MR. PACEY" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. PACEY</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Pacey was one of those deplorable beings&mdash;a country swell. Tomkins and
+Hopkins, the haberdashers of Swillingford, never exhibited an ugly
+out-of-the-way neckcloth or waistcoat with the words 'patronized by the
+Prince,' 'very fashionable,' or 'quite the go,' upon them, but he
+immediately adorned himself in one. On the present occasion he was attired
+in a wide-stretching, lace-tipped, black Joinville, with recumbent gills,
+showing the heavy amplitude of his enormous jaws, while the extreme
+scooping out of a collarless, flashy-buttoned, chain-daubed, black silk
+waistcoat, with broad blue stripes, afforded an uninterrupted view of a
+costly embroidered shirt, the view extending, indeed, up to a portion of
+his white satin 'forget-me-not' embroidered braces. His coat was a
+broad-sterned, brass-buttoned blue, with pockets outside, and of course he
+wore a pair of creaking highly varnished boots. He was apparently, about
+twenty; just about the age when a youth thinks it fine to associate with
+men, and an age at which some men are not above taking advantage of a
+youth. Perhaps <a name="Page_352" id="Page_352"></a>he looked rather older than he was, for he was stiff built
+and strong, with an ample crop of whiskers extending from his great red
+docken ears round his harvest moon of a face. He was lumpy, and clumsy, and
+heavy all over. Having now got inducted, he began to stare round the party,
+and first addressed our worthy friend Mr. Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Sprag, how are you?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Specs' (alluding to his father's trade), 'how are you?' replied
+Jack, with a growl, to the evident satisfaction of the party, who seemed to
+regard Pacey as the common enemy.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately just at the moment Mr. Plummey restored harmony by announcing
+dinner; and after the usual backing and retiring of mock modesty, Mr.
+Puffington said he would 'show them the way,' when there was as great a
+rush to get in, to avoid the bugbear of sitting with their backs to the
+fire, as there had been apparent disposition not to go at all.
+Notwithstanding the unfavourable aspect of affairs, Mr. Spraggon placed
+himself next Mr. Pacey, who sat a good way down the table, while Mr. Sponge
+occupied the post of honour by our host.</p>
+
+<p>In accordance with the usual tactics of these sort of gentlemen, Spraggon
+and Sponge essayed to be two&mdash;if not exactly strangers, at all events
+gentlemen with very little acquaintance. Spraggon took advantage of a dead
+silence to call up the table to <i>Mister</i> Sponge to take wine; a compliment
+that Sponge acknowledged the accordance of by a very low bow into his
+plate, and by-and-by Mister Sponge 'Mistered' Mr. Spraggon to return the
+compliment.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you know much of that&mdash;that&mdash;that&mdash;<i>chap</i>?' (he would have said snob if
+he'd thought it would be safe) asked Pacey, as Sponge returned to still
+life after the first wine ceremony.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Spraggon, 'nor do I wish.'</p>
+
+<p>'Great snob,' observed Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Shocking,' assented Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'He's got a good horse or two, though,' observed Pacey; 'I saw them on the
+road coming here the other day.' Pacey, like many youngsters, professed to
+be a <a name="Page_353" id="Page_353"></a>judge of horses, and thought himself rather sharp at a deal.</p>
+
+<p>'They are <i>good</i> horses,' replied Jack, with an emphasis on the good,
+adding, 'I'd be very glad to have one of them.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spraggon then asked Mr. Pacey to take champagne, as the commencement of
+a better understanding.</p>
+
+<p>The wine flowed freely, and the guests, particularly the fresh infusion,
+did ample justice to it. The guests of the day before, having indulged
+somewhat freely, were more moderate at first, though they seemed well
+inclined to do their best after they got their stomachs a little restored.
+Spraggon could drink any given quantity at any time.</p>
+
+<p>The conversation got brisker and brisker: and before the cloth was drawn
+there was a very general clamour, in which all sorts of subjects seemed to
+be mixed&mdash;each man addressing himself to his immediate neighbour; one
+talking of taxes&mdash;another of tares&mdash;a third, of hunting and the system of
+kennel&mdash;a fourth, of the corn-laws&mdash;old Blossomnose, about tithes&mdash;Slapp,
+about timber and water-jumping&mdash;Miller, about Collison's pills; and Guano,
+about anything that he could get a word edged in about. Great, indeed, was
+the hubbub. Gradually, however, as the evening advanced Pacey and Guano
+out-talked the rest, and at length Pacey got the noise pretty well to
+himself. When anything definite could be extracted from the mass of
+confusion, he was expatiating on steeple-chasing, hurdle-racing, weights
+for age, ons and offs clever&mdash;a sort of mixture of hunting, racing, and
+'Alken.'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge cocked his ear, and sat on the watch, occasionally hazarding an
+observation, while Jack, who was next Pacey, on the left, pretended to
+decry Sponge's judgement, asking <i>sotto voce</i>, with a whiff through his
+nose, what such a Cockney as that could know about horses? What between
+Jack's encouragement, and the inspiring influence of the bottle, aided by
+his own self-sufficiency, Pacey began to look upon Sponge with anything but
+admiration; and at last it occurred to him that he would be a very proper
+subject to, what he called, 'take the shine out of.'</p><p><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354"></a></p>
+
+<p>'That isn't a bad-like nag, that chestnut of yours, for the wheeler of a
+coach, Mr. Sponge,' exclaimed he, at the instigation of Spraggon, to our
+friend, producing, of course, a loud guffaw from the party.</p>
+
+<p>'No, he isn't,' replied Sponge coolly, adding, 'very like one, I should
+say.'</p>
+
+<p>'Devilish <i>good</i> horse,' growled Jack in Pacey's ear.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I dare say,' whispered Pacey, pretending to be scraping up the orange
+syrup in his plate, adding, 'I'm only chaffing the beggar.'</p>
+
+<p>'He looks solitary without the coach at his tail,' continued Pacey, looking
+up, and again addressing Sponge up the table.</p>
+
+<p>'He does,' affirmed Sponge, amidst the laughter of the party.</p>
+
+<p>Pacey didn't know how to take this; whether as a 'sell' or a compliment to
+his own wit. He sat for a few seconds grinning and staring like a fool; at
+last after gulping down a bumper of claret, he again fixed his unmeaning
+green eyes upon Sponge, and exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>'I'll challenge your horse, Mr. Sponge.'</p>
+
+<p>A burst of applause followed the announcement; for it was evident that
+amusement was in store.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll w-h-a-w-t?' replied Sponge, staring, and pretending ignorance.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll challenge your horse,' repeated Pacey with confidence, and in a tone
+that stopped the lingering murmur of conversation, and fixed the attention
+of the company on himself.</p>
+
+<p>'I don't understand you,' replied Sponge, pretending astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>'Lor bless us! why, where have you lived all your life?' asked Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, partly in one place, and partly in another,' was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>'I should think so,' replied Pacey, with a look of compassion, adding, in
+an undertone, 'a good deal with your mother, I should think.'</p>
+
+<p>'If you could get that horse at a moderate figure,' whispered Jack to his
+neighbour, and squinting his eyes inside out as he spoke, 'he's well worth
+having.'</p><p><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355"></a></p>
+
+<p>'The beggar won't sell him,' muttered Pacey, who was fonder of talking
+about buying horses than of buying them.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes, he will,' replied Jack; 'he didn't understand what you meant. Mr.
+Sponge,' said he, addressing himself slowly and distinctly up the table to
+our hero&mdash;'Mr. Sponge, my friend Mr. Pacey here challenges your chestnut.'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge still stared in well-feigned astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a custom we have in this country,' continued Jack, looking, as he
+thought, at Sponge, but, in reality, squinting most frightfully at the
+sideboard.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you mean he wants to buy him?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes,' replied Jack confidently.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I don't,' whispered Pacey, giving Jack a kick under the table. Pacey
+had not yet drunk sufficient wine to be rash.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, yes,' replied Jack tartly, 'you do,' adding, in an undertone, 'leave
+it to me, man, and I'll let you in for a good thing. Yes, Mr. Sponge,'
+continued he, addressing himself to our hero, 'Mr. Pacey fancies the
+chestnut and challenges him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why doesn't he ask the price?' replied Sponge, who was always ready for a
+deal.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, the price must be left to a third party,' said Jack. 'The principle of
+the thing is this,' continued he, enlisting the aid of his fingers to
+illustrate his position: 'Mr. Pacey, here,' said he, applying the
+forefinger of his right hand to the thumb of the left, looking earnestly at
+Sponge, but in reality squinting up at the chandelier&mdash;'Mr. Pacey here
+challenges your horse Multum-in-somethin'&mdash;I forget what you said you call
+him&mdash;but the nag I rode to-day. Well, then,' continued Jack, 'you'
+(demonstrating Sponge by pressing his two forefingers together, and holding
+them erect) 'accept the challenge, but can challenge anything Mr. Pacey
+has&mdash;a horse, dog, gun&mdash;anything; and, having fixed on somethin' then a
+third party' (who Jack represented by cocking up his thumb), 'any one you
+like to name, makes the award. Well, having agreed upon that party' (Jack
+still cocking up the thumb to represent the arbitrator), 'he says,<a name="Page_356" id="Page_356"></a> "Give
+me money." The two then put, say half a crown or five shillin's each, into
+his hand, to which the arbitrator adds the same sum for himself. That being
+done, the arbitrator says, "Hands in pockets, gen'lemen."' (Jack diving his
+right hand up to the hilt in his own.) 'If this be an award, Mr. Pacey's
+horse gives Mr. Sponge's horse so much&mdash;draw.' (Jack suiting the action to
+the word, and laying his fist on the table.) 'If each person's hand
+contains money, it is an award&mdash;it is a deal; and the arbitrator gets the
+half-crowns, or whatever it is, for his trouble; so that, in course, he has
+a direct interest in makin' such an award as will lead to a deal. <i>Now</i> do
+you understand?' continued Jack, addressing himself earnestly to Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I think I do,' replied Sponge who had been at the game pretty often.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then,' continued Jack, reverting to his original position, 'my
+friend, Mr. Pacey here, challenges your chestnut.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, never mind,' muttered Pacey peevishly, in an undertone, with a frown
+on his face, giving Jack a dig in the ribs with his elbow. 'Never mind,'
+repeated he; '<i>I</i> don't care about it&mdash;<i>I</i> don't want the horse.'</p>
+
+<p>'But <i>I</i> do,' growled Jack, adding, in an undertone also, as he stooped for
+his napkin, 'don't spoil sport, man; he's as good a horse as ever stepped;
+and if you'll challenge him, I'll stand between you and danger.'</p>
+
+<p>'But he may challenge something I don't want to part with,' observed Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Then you've nothin' to do,' replied Jack, 'but bring up your hand without
+any money in it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! I forgot,' replied Pacey, who did not like not to appear what he
+called 'fly.' 'Well, then, I challenge your chestnut!' exclaimed he,
+perking up, and shouting up the table to Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Good!' replied our friend. 'I challenge your watch and chain, then,'
+looking at Pacey's chain-daubed vest.</p>
+
+<p>'Name <i>me</i> arbitrator,' muttered Jack, as he again stooped for his napkin.</p>
+
+<p>'Who shall handicap us? Captain Guano, Mr. Lumpleg, or who?' asked Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Suppose we say Spraggon?&mdash;he says he rode the horse to-day,' replied
+Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Quite agreeable,' said Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, Jack!' 'Now, Spraggon!' 'Now, old Solomon!' 'Now, Doctor Wiseman,'
+resounded from different parts of the table.</p>
+
+<p>Jack looked solemn; and diving both hands into his breeches' pockets, stuck
+out his legs extensively before him.</p>
+
+<p>'Give me money,' said he pompously. They each handed him half a crown; and
+Jack added a third for himself. 'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut
+horse, and Mr. Sponge challenges Mr. Pacey's gold watch,' observed Jack
+sententiously.</p>
+
+<p>'Come, old Slowman, go on!' exclaimed Guano, adding, 'have you got no
+further than that?'</p>
+
+<p>'Hurry no man's cattle,' replied Jack tartly, adding, 'you may keep a
+donkey yourself some day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse,' repeated Jack. 'How old
+is the chestnut, Mr. Sponge?' added he, addressing himself to our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Upon my word I hardly know,' replied Sponge, 'he's past mark of mouth; but
+I think a hunter's age has very little to do with his worth.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who-y, that depends,' rejoined Jack, blowing out his cheeks, and looking
+as pompous as possible&mdash;'that depends a good deal upon how he's been used
+in his youth.'</p>
+
+<p>'He's about nine, I should say,' observed Sponge, pretending to have been
+calculating, though, in reality, he knew nothing whatever about the horse's
+age. 'Say nine, or rising ten, and never did a day's work till he was six.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' said Jack, with an important bow, adding, 'being easy with them
+at the beginnin' puts on a deal to the end. Perfect hunter, I s'pose?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, you can judge of that yourself,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Perfect hunter, <i>I</i> should say,' rejoined Jack, 'and steady at his
+fences&mdash;don't know that I ever rode a better fencer. Well,' continued he,
+having apparently pondered all that over in his mind, 'I must trouble you
+to let me look at your ticker,' said he, turning short round on his
+neighbour.</p><p><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358"></a></p>
+
+<p>'There,' said Mr. Pacey, producing a fine flash watch from his
+waistcoat-pocket, and holding it to Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'The chain's included in the challenge, mind,' observed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'In course,' said Jack; 'it's what the pawnbrokers call a watch with its
+appurts.' (Jack had his watch at his uncle's and knew the terms exactly.)</p>
+
+<p>'It's a repeater, mind,' observed Pacey, taking off the chain.</p>
+
+<p>'The chain's heavy,' said Jack, running it up in his hand; 'and here's a
+pistol-key and a beautiful pencil-case, with the Pacey crest and motto,'
+observed Jack, trying to decipher the latter. 'If it had been without the
+words, whatever they are,' said he, giving up the attempt, 'it would have
+been worth more, but the gold's fine, and a new stone can easily be put
+in.'</p>
+
+<p>He then pulled an old hunting-card out of his pocket, and proceeded to make
+sundry calculations and estimates in pencil on the back.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now,' said he, at length, looking up, 'I should say, such a watch as
+that and appurts,' holding them up, 'couldn't be bought in a shop under
+eight-and-twenty pund.'</p>
+
+<p>'It cost five-and-thirty,' observed Mr. Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Did it!' rejoined Jack, adding, 'then you were done.'</p>
+
+<p>Jack then proceeded to do a little more arithmetic, during which process
+Mr. Puffington passed the wine and gave as a toast&mdash;'Success to the
+handicap.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' at length said Jack, having apparently struck a balance, 'hands in
+pocket, gen'lemen. If this is an award, Mr. Pacey's gold watch and appurts
+gives Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse seventy golden sovereigns. Show money,'
+whispered Jack to Pacey, adding, 'I'll stand the shot.'</p>
+
+<p>'Stop!' roared Guano, 'do either of you sport your hand?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I do,' replied Mr. Pacey coolly.</p>
+
+<p>'And I,' said Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Hold hard, then, gen'lemen!' roared Jack, getting excited, and beginning
+to foam. 'Hold hard, gen'lemen!' repeated he, just as he was in the habit
+of roaring<a name="Page_359" id="Page_359"></a> at the troublesome customers in Lord Scamperdale's field; 'Mr.
+Pacey and Mr. Sponge both sport their hands.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll lay a guinea Pacey doesn't hold money,' exclaimed Guano.</p>
+
+<p>'Done!' exclaimed Parson Blossomnose.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll bet it does,' observed Charley Slapp.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll take you,' replied Mr. Miller.</p>
+
+<p>Then the hubbub of betting commenced, and raged with fury for a short time;
+some betting sovereigns, some half-sovereigns, other half-crowns and
+shillings, as to whether the hands of one or both held money.</p>
+
+<p>Givers and takers being at length accommodated, perfect silence at length
+reigned, and all eyes turned upon the double fists of the respective
+champions.</p>
+
+<p>Jack having adjusted his great tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, and put on
+a most consequential air, inquired, like a gambling-house keeper, if they
+were 'All done'&mdash;had all 'made their game?' And 'Yes! yes! yes!' resounded
+from all quarters.</p>
+
+<p>'Then, gen'lemen,' said Jack, addressing Pacey and Sponge, who still kept
+their closed hands on the table, '<i>show</i>!'</p>
+
+<p>At the word, their hands opened, and each held money.</p>
+
+<p>'A deal! a deal! a deal!' resounded through the room, accompanied with
+clapping of hands, thumping of the table, and dancing of glasses. 'You owe
+me a guinea,' exclaimed one. 'I want half a sovereign of you,' roared
+another. 'Here's my half-crown,' said a third, handing one across the table
+to the fortunate winner. A general settlement took place, in the midst of
+which the 'watch and appurts' were handed to Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'We'll drink Mr. Pacey's health,' said Mr. Puffington, helping himself to a
+bumper, and passing the lately replenished decanters. 'He's done the thing
+like a sportsman, and deserves to have luck with his deal. Your good
+health, Mr. Pacey!' continued he, addressing himself specifically to our
+friend, 'and luck to your horse.'</p>
+
+<p>'Your good health, Mr. Pacey&mdash;your good health, Mr. Pacey&mdash;your good
+health, Mr. Pacey,' then followed in the various intonations that mark the
+feelings of the<a name="Page_360" id="Page_360"></a> speaker towards the toastee, as the bottles passed round
+the table.</p>
+
+<p>The excitement seemed to have given fresh zest to the wine, and those who
+had been shirking, or filling on heel-taps, now began filling bumpers,
+while those who always filled bumpers now took back hands.</p>
+
+<p>There is something about horse-dealing that seems to interest every one.
+Conversation took a brisk turn, and nothing but the darkness of the night
+prevented their having the horse out and trying him. Pacey wanted him
+brought into the dining-room, <i>&agrave; la</i> Briggs, but Puff wouldn't stand that.
+The transfer seemed to have invested the animal with supernatural charms,
+and those who in general cared nothing about horses wanted to have a sight
+of him.</p>
+
+<p>Toasting having commenced, as usual, it was proceeded with. Sponge's health
+followed that of Mr. Pacey's, Mr. Puffington availing himself of the
+opportunity afforded by proposing it, of expressing the gratification it
+afforded himself and all true sportsmen to see so distinguished a character
+in the country; and he concluded by hoping that the diminution of his stud
+would not interfere with the length of his visit&mdash;a toast that was drunk
+with great applause.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge replied by saying, 'That he certainly had not intended parting
+with his horse, though one more or less was neither here nor there,
+especially in these railway times, when a man had nothing to do but take a
+half-guinea's worth of electric wire, and have another horse in less than
+no time; but Mr. Pacey having taken a fancy to the horse, he had been more
+accommodating to him than he had to his friend, Mr. Spraggon, if he would
+allow him to call him so (Jack squinted and bowed assent), who,' continued
+Mr. Sponge, 'had in vain attempted that morning to get him to put a price
+upon him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very true,' whispered Jack to Pacey, with a feel of the elbow in his ribs,
+adding, in an undertone, 'the beggar doesn't think I've got him in spite of
+him, though.'</p>
+
+<p>'The horse,' Mr. Sponge continued, 'was an undeniable good 'un, and he
+wished Mr. Pacey joy of his bargain.'</p>
+
+<p>This venture having been so successful, others attempted<a name="Page_361" id="Page_361"></a> similar means,
+appointing Mr. Spraggon the arbitrator. Captain Guano challenged Mr. Fogo's
+phaeton, while Mr. Fogo retaliated upon the captain's chestnut horse; but
+the captain did not hold money to the award. Blossomnose challenged Mr.
+Miller's pig; but the latter could not be induced to claim anything of the
+worthy rector's for Mr. Spraggon to exercise his appraising talents upon.
+After an evening of much noise and confusion, the wine-heated party at last
+broke up&mdash;the staying company retiring to their couches, and the outlying
+ones finding their ways home as best they could.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLII" id="CHAPTER_XLII"></a>CHAPTER XLII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE MORNING'S REFLECTIONS</h3>
+
+
+<p>When young Pacey awoke in the morning he had a very bad headache, and his
+temples throbbed as if the veins would burst their bounds. The first thing
+that recalled the actual position of affairs to his mind was feeling under
+the pillow for his watch: a fruitless search that ended in recalling
+something of the overnight's proceedings.</p>
+
+<p>Pacey liked a cheap flash, and when elated with wine might be betrayed into
+indiscretions that his soberer moments were proof against. Indeed, among
+youths of his own age he was reckoned rather a sharp hand; and it was the
+vanity of associating with men, and wishing to appear a match for them,
+that occasionally brought him into trouble. In a general way, he was a very
+cautious hand.</p>
+
+<p>He now lay tumbling and tossing about in bed, and little by little he laid
+together the outline of the evening's proceedings, beginning with his
+challenging Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and ending with the resignation of his
+watch and chain. He thought he was wrong to do anything of the sort. He
+didn't want the horse, not he. What should he do with him? he had one more
+than he wanted as it was. Then, paying for him seventy sovereigns! confound
+it, it would be very inconvenient&mdash;<i>most</i> inconvenient&mdash;indeed,<a name="Page_362" id="Page_362"></a> he
+couldn't do it, so there was an end of it. The facilities of carrying out
+after-dinner transactions frequently vanish with the morning's sun. So it
+was with Mr. Pacey. Then he began to think how to get out of it. Should he
+tell Mr. Sponge candidly the state of his finances, and trust to his
+generosity for letting him off? Was Mr. Sponge a likely man to do it? He
+thought he was. But, then, would he blab? He thought he would, and that
+would blow him among those by whom he wished to be thought knowing, a man
+not to be done. Altogether he was very much perplexed: seventy pounds was a
+vast of money; and then there was his watch gone, too! a hundred and more
+altogether. He must have been drunk to do it&mdash;<i>very</i> drunk, he should say;
+and then he began to think whether he had not better treat it as an
+after-dinner frolic, and pretend to forget all about it. That seemed
+feasible.</p>
+
+<p>All at once it occurred to Pacey that Mr. Spraggon was the purchaser, and
+that he was only a middle-man. His headache forsook him for the moment, and
+he felt a new man. It was clearly the case, and bit by bit he recollected
+all about it. How Jack had told him to challenge the horse, and he would
+stand to the bargain; how he had whispered him (Pacey) to name him (Jack)
+arbitrator; and how he had done so, and Jack had made the award. Then he
+began to think that the horse must be a good one, as Jack would not set too
+high a price on him, seeing that he was the purchaser. Then he wondered
+that he had put enough on to induce Sponge to sell him: that rather puzzled
+him. He lay a long time tossing, and proing and coning, without being able
+to arrive at any satisfactory solution of the matter. At last he rang his
+bell, and finding it was eight o'clock he got up, and proceeded to dress
+himself; which operation being accomplished, he sought Jack's room, to have
+a little confidential conversation with him on the subject, and arrange
+about paying Sponge for the horse, without letting out who was the
+purchaser.</p>
+
+<p>Jack was snoring, with his great mouth wide open, and his grizzly head
+enveloped in a white cotton nightcap. The noise of Pacey entering awoke
+him.</p><p><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well, old boy' growled he, turning over as soon as he saw who it was,
+'what are you up to?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nothing particular,' replied Mr. Pacey, in a careless sort of tone.</p>
+
+<p>'Then make yourself scarce, or I'll baptize you in a way you won't like,'
+growled Jack, diving under the bedclothes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, why I just wanted to have&mdash;have half a dozen words with you about our
+last night's' (ha&mdash;hem&mdash;haw!) 'handicap, you know&mdash;about the horse, you
+know.'</p>
+
+<p>'About the w-h-a-w-t?' drawled Jack, as if perfectly ignorant of what Pacey
+was talking about.</p>
+
+<p>'About the horse, you know&mdash;about Mr. Sponge's horse, you know&mdash;that you
+got me to challenge for you, you know,' stammered Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, dash it, the chap's drunk,' growled Jack aloud to himself, adding to
+Pacey, 'you shouldn't get up so soon, man&mdash;sleep the drink off.'</p>
+
+<p>Pacey stood nonplussed.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't you remember, Mr. Spraggon,' at last asked he, after watching the
+tassel of Jack's cap peeping above the bedclothes, 'what took place last
+night, you know? You asked me to get you Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and you
+know I did, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hout, lad, disperse!&mdash;get out of this!' exclaimed Jack, starting his great
+red face above the bedclothes and squinting frightfully at Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, my dear friend, but you did,' observed Pacey soothingly.</p>
+
+<p>'Nonsense!' roared Jack, again ducking under.</p>
+
+<p>Pacey stood agape.</p>
+
+<p>'Come!' exclaimed Jack, again starting up, 'cut your stick!&mdash;be off!&mdash;make
+yourself scarce!&mdash;give your rags a gallop, in short!&mdash;don't be after
+disturbin' a gen'leman of fortin's rest in this way.'</p>
+
+<p>'But, my dear Mr. Spraggon,' resumed Pacey, in the same gentle tone, 'you
+surely forget what you asked me to do.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I do</i>,' replied Jack firmly.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my dear Mr. Spraggon, if you'll have the kindness to
+recollect&mdash;to consider&mdash;to reflect on what<a name="Page_364" id="Page_364"></a> passed, you'll surely remember
+commissioning me to challenge Mr. Sponge's horse for you?'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Me!</i>' exclaimed Jack, bouncing up in bed, and sitting squinting
+furiously. '<i>Me!</i>' repeated he; '<i>un</i>possible. How could <i>I</i> do such a
+thing? Why, I handicap'd him, man, for you, man?'</p>
+
+<p>'You told me, for all that,' replied Mr. Pacey, with a jerk of the head.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack, taking his cap by the tassel, and twisting
+it off his head,' that won't do!&mdash;downright impeachment of one's integrity.
+Oh, by Jingo! that won't do!' motioning as if he was going to bounce out of
+bed; 'can't stand that&mdash;impeach one's integrity, you know, better take
+one's life, you know. Life without honour's nothin', you know. Cock
+Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I assure you, I didn't mean anything of that sort,' exclaimed Mr.
+Pacey, frightened at Jack's vehemence, and the way in which he now foamed
+at the mouth, and flourished his nightcap about. 'Oh, I assure you, I
+didn't mean anything of that sort,' repeated he, 'only I thought p'raps you
+mightn't recollect all that had passed, p'raps; and if we were to talk
+matters quietly over, by putting that and that together, we might assist
+each other and&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, by Jove!' interrupted Jack, dashing his nightcap against the bedpost,
+'too late for anything of that sort, sir&mdash;<i>down</i>right impeachment of one's
+integrity, sir&mdash;must be settled another way, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'But, I assure you, you mistake!' exclaimed Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Rot your mistakes!' interrupted Jack; 'there's no mistake in the matter.
+You've <i>reg</i>larly impeached my integrity&mdash;blood of the Spraggons won't
+stand that. "Death before Dishonour!"' shouted he, at the top of his voice,
+flourishing his nightcap over his head, and then dashing it on to the
+middle of the floor.</p>
+
+<p>'What's the matter?&mdash;what's the matter?&mdash;what's the matter?' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge, rushing through the connecting door. 'What's the matter?' repeated
+he, placing himself between the bed in which Jack still sat upright,
+squinting his eyes inside out, and where Mr. Pacey stood.</p><p><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jack, clasping his raised hands in
+thankfulness, 'I'm so glad you're here!&mdash;I'm so thankful you're come! I've
+been insulted!&mdash;oh, goodness, how I've been insulted!' added he, throwing
+himself back in the bed, as if thoroughly overcome with his feelings.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but what's the matter?&mdash;what is it all about?' asked Sponge coolly,
+having a pretty good guess what it was.</p>
+
+<p>'Never was so insulted in my life!' ejaculated Jack, from under the
+bedclothes.</p>
+
+<p>'Well but what <i>is</i> it?' repeated Sponge, appealing to Pacey, who stood as
+pale as ashes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! nothing,' replied he; 'quite a mistake; Mr. Spraggon misunderstood me
+altogether.'</p>
+
+<p>'Mistake! There's no mistake in the matter!' exclaimed Jack, appearing
+again on the surface like an otter; 'you gave me the lie as plain as a
+pikestaff.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing in his breath and raising his
+eyebrows right up into the roof of his head. 'Indeed!' repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>'No; nothing of the sort, I assure you,' asserted Mr. Pacey.</p>
+
+<p>'Must have satisfaction!' exclaimed Jack, again diving under the
+bedclothes.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but let us hear how matters stand,' said Mr. Sponge coolly, as
+Jack's grizzly head disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll be my second,' growled Jack, from under the bedclothes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! second be hanged,' retorted Sponge. 'You've nothing to fight about;
+Mr. Pacey says he didn't mean anything, that you misunderstood him, and
+what more can a man want?'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' replied Mr. Pacey, 'just so. I assure you I never intended the
+slightest imputation on Mr. Spraggon.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm sure not,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'H-u-m-p-h,' grunted Jack from under the bedclothes, like a pig in the
+straw. Not showing any disposition to appear on the surface again, Mr.
+Sponge, after standing a second or two, gave a jerk of his head to Mr.
+Pacey,<a name="Page_366" id="Page_366"></a> and forthwith conducted him into his own room, shutting the door
+between Mr. Spraggon and him.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then inquired into the matter, kindly sympathizing with Mr.
+Pacey, who he was certain never meant anything disrespectful to Mr.
+Spraggon, who, Mr. Sponge thought, seemed rather quick at taking offence;
+though, doubtless, as Mr. Sponge observed, 'a man was perfectly right in
+being tenacious of his integrity,' a position that he illustrated by a
+familiar passage from Shakespeare, about stealing a purse and stealing
+trash, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>Emboldened by his kindness, Mr. Pacey then got Mr. Sponge on to talk about
+the horse of which he had become the unwilling possessor&mdash;the renowned
+chestnut, Multum in Parvo.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge spoke like a very prudent, conscientious man; said that really
+it was difficult to give an opinion about a horse; that what suited one man
+might not suit another&mdash;that <i>he</i> considered Multum in Parvo a very good
+horse; indeed, that he wouldn't have parted with him if he hadn't more than
+he wanted, and the cream of the season had passed without his meeting with
+any of those casualties that rendered the retention of an extra horse or
+two desirable. Altogether, he gave Mr. Pacey to understand that he held him
+to his bargain. Having thanked Sponge for his great kindness, and got an
+order on the groom (Mr. Leather) to have the horse out, Mr. Pacey took his
+departure to the stable, and Sponge having summoned his neighbour Mr.
+Spraggon from his bed, the two proceeded to a passage window that commanded
+a view of the stable-yard.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Pacey presently went swaggering across it, cracking his jockey whip
+against his leg, followed by Mr. Leather, with a saddle on his shoulder and
+a bridle in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>'He'd better keep his whip quiet,' observed Mr. Sponge, with a shake of his
+head, as he watched Pacey's movements.</p>
+
+<p>'The beggar thinks he can ride anything,' observed Jack.</p>
+
+<p>'He'll find his mistake out just now,' replied Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367"></a></p>
+
+<p>Presently the stable-door opened, and the horse stepped slowly and quietly
+out, looking blooming and bright after his previous day's gallop. Pacey,
+running his eyes over his clean muscular legs and finely shaped form,
+thought he hadn't done so far amiss after all. Leather stood at the horse's
+head, whistling and soothing him, feeling anything but the easy confidence
+that Mr. Pacey exhibited. Putting his whip under his arm, Pacey just walked
+up to the horse, and, placing the point of his foot in the stirrup, hoisted
+himself on by the mane, without deigning to take hold of the reins. Having
+soused himself into the saddle, he then began feeling the stirrups.</p>
+
+<p>'How are they for length, sir?' asked Leather, with a hitch of his hand to
+his forehead.</p>
+
+<p>'They'll do,' replied Pacey, in a tone of indifference, gathering up the
+reins, and applying his left heel to the horse's side, while he gave him a
+touch of the whip on the other. The horse gave a wince, and a hitch up
+behind; as much as to say, 'If you do that again I'll kick in right
+earnest,' and then walked quietly out of the yard.</p>
+
+<p>'I took the fiery edge off him yesterday, I think,' observed Jack, as he
+watched the horse's leisurely movements.</p>
+
+<p>'Not so sure of that,' replied Sponge, adding, as he left the
+passage-window, 'He'll be trying him in the park; let's go and see him from
+my window.'</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, our friends placed themselves at Sponge's bedroom window, and
+presently the clash of a gate announced that Sponge was right in his
+speculation. In another second the horse and rider appeared in sight&mdash;the
+horse going much at his ease, but Mr. Pacey preparing himself for action.
+He began working the bridle and kicking his sides, to get him into a
+canter; an exertion that produced quite a contrary effect, for the animal
+slackened his pace as Pacey's efforts increased. When, however, he took his
+whip from under his arm, the horse darted right up into the air, and
+plunging down again, with one convulsive effort shot Mr. Pacey several
+yards over his head, knocking his head clean through his hat. The brute
+then began to graze, as if nothing particular had happened. This easy
+indifference,<a name="Page_369" id="Page_369"></a> however, did not extend to the neighbourhood; for no sooner
+was Mr. Pacey floored than there was such a rush of grooms, and helpers,
+and footmen, and gardeners&mdash;to say nothing of women, from all parts of the
+grounds, as must have made it very agreeable to him to know how he had been
+watched. One picked him up&mdash;another his hat-crown&mdash;a third his whip&mdash;a
+fourth his gloves&mdash;while Margaret, the housemaid, rushed to the rescue with
+her private bottle of <i>sal volatile</i>&mdash;and John, the under-butler, began to
+extricate him from the new-fashioned neckcloth he had made of his hat.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image368.jpg" width="300" height="185" alt="MR. PACEY TRIES MULTUM-IN-PARVO" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. PACEY TRIES MULTUM-IN-PARVO</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Though our friend was a good deal shaken by the fall, the injury to his
+body was trifling compared to that done to his mind. Being kicked off a
+horse was an indignity he had never calculated upon. Moreover, it was done
+in such a masterly manner as clearly showed it could be repeated at
+pleasure. In addition to which everybody laughs at a man that is kicked
+off. All these considerations rushed to his mind, and made him determine
+not to brook the mirth of the guests as well as the servants.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly he borrowed a hat and started off home, and seeking his
+guardian, Major Screw, confided to him the position of affairs. The major,
+who was a man of the world, forthwith commenced a negotiation with Mr.
+Sponge, who, after a good deal of haggling, and not until the horse had
+shot the major over his head, too, at length, as a great favour, consented
+to take fifty pounds to rescind the bargain, accompanying his kindness by
+telling the major to advise his ward never to dabble in horseflesh after
+dinner; a piece of advice that we also very respectfully tender to our
+juvenile readers.</p>
+
+<p>And Sponge shortly after sent Spraggon a five pound note as his share of
+the transaction.</p><p><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLIII" id="CHAPTER_XLIII"></a>CHAPTER XLIII</h2>
+
+<h3>ANOTHER SICK HOST</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 163px;">
+<img src="images/image370.jpg" width="163" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>hen Mr. Puffington read Messrs. Sponge and Spraggon's account of the run
+with his hounds, in the Swillingford paper, he was perfectly horrified;
+words cannot describe the disgust that he felt. It came upon him quite by
+surprise, for he expected to be immortalized in some paper or work of
+general circulation, in which the Lords Loosefish, Sir Toms, and Sir Harrys
+of former days might recognize the spirited doings of their early friend.
+He wanted the superiority of his establishment, the excellence of his
+horses, the stoutness of his hounds, and the polish of his field,
+proclaimed, with perhaps a quiet cut at the Flat-Hat gentry; instead of
+which he had a mixed medley sort of a mess, whose humdrum monotony was only
+relieved by the absurdities and errors with which it was crammed. At first,
+Mr. Puffington could not make out what it meant, whether it was a hoax for
+the purpose of turning run-writing into ridicule, or it had suffered
+mutilation at the hands of the printer. Calling a good scent an exquisite
+perfume looked suspicious of a hoax, but then seasonal fox for seasoned
+fox, scorning to cry for scoring to cry, bay fox for bag fox, grunting for
+hunting, thrashing for trashing, rests for casts, and other absurdities,
+looked more like accident than design.</p><p><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371"></a></p>
+
+<p>These are the sort of errors that non-sporting compositors might easily
+make, one term being as much like English to them as the other, though
+amazingly different to the eye or the ear of a sportsman. Mr. Puffington
+was thoroughly disgusted. He was sick of hounds and horses, and Bragg, and
+hay and corn, and kennels and meal, and saddles and bridles; and now, this
+absurdity seemed to cap the whole thing. He was ill-prepared for such a
+shock. The exertion of successive dinner-giving&mdash;above all, of bachelor
+dinner-giving&mdash;and that too in the country, where men sit, talk, talk,
+talking, sip, sip, sipping, and 'just another bottle-ing'; more, we
+believe, from want of something else to do than from any natural
+inclination to exceed; the exertion, we say, of such parties had completely
+unstrung our fat friend, and ill-prepared his nerves for such a shock.
+Being a great man for his little comforts, he always breakfasted in his
+dressing-room, which he had fitted up in the most luxurious style, and
+where he had his newspapers (most carefully ironed out) laid with his
+letters against he came in. It was late on the morning following our last
+chapter ere he thought he had got rid of as much of his winey headache as
+fitful sleep would carry off, and enveloped himself in a blue and
+yellow-flowered silk dressing-gown and Turkish slippers. He looked at his
+letters, and knowing their outsides, left them for future perusal, and
+sousing himself into the depths of a many-cushioned easy-chair, proceeded
+to spell his <i>Morning Post</i>&mdash;Tattersall's advertisements&mdash;'Grosjean's
+Pale-tots'&mdash;'Mr. Albert Smith'&mdash;'Coals, best Stewart Hetton or
+Lambton's'&mdash;'Police Intelligence,' and such other light reading as does not
+require any great effort to connect or comprehend.</p>
+
+<p>Then came his breakfast, for which he had very little appetite, though he
+relished his coffee, and also an anchovy. While dawdling over these, he
+heard sundry wheels grinding about below the window, and the bumping and
+thumping of boxes, indicative of 'goings away,' for which he couldn't say
+he felt sorry. He couldn't even be at the trouble of getting up and going
+to the window to see who it was that was off, so weary and<a name="Page_372" id="Page_372"></a> head-achy was
+he. He rolled and lolled in his chair, now taking a sip of coffee, now a
+bite of anchovy toast, now considering whether he durst venture on an egg,
+and again having recourse to the <i>Post</i>. At last, having exhausted all the
+light reading in it, and scanned through the list of hunting appointments,
+he took up the Swillingford paper to see that they had got his 'meets'
+right for the next week. How astonished he was to find the previous day's
+run staring him in the face, headed 'SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S
+HOUNDS,' in the imposing type here displayed. 'Well, that's quick work,
+however,' said he, casting his eyes up to the ceiling in astonishment, and
+thinking how unlike it was the Swillingford papers, which were always a
+week, but generally a fortnight behindhand with information. 'Splendid run
+with Mr. Puffington's hounds,' read he again, wondering who had done it:
+Bardolph, the innkeeper; Allsop, the cabinet-maker; Tuggins, the doctor,
+were all out; so was Weatherhog, the butcher. Which of them could it be?
+Grimes, the editor, wasn't there; indeed, he couldn't ride, and the country
+was not adapted for a gig.</p>
+
+<p>He then began to read it, and the further he got the more he was disgusted.
+At last, when he came to the 'seasonal fox, which some thought was a bay
+one,' his indignation knew no bounds, and crumpling the paper up in a heap,
+he threw it from him in disgust. Just then in came Plummey, the butler.
+Plummey saw at a glance what had happened; for Mr. Bragg, and the whips,
+and the grooms, and the helpers, and the feeder&mdash;the whole hunting
+establishment&mdash;were up in arms at the burlesque, and vowing vengeance
+against the author of it. Mr. Spraggon, on seeing what a mess had been made
+of his labours, availed himself of the offer of a seat in Captain Guano's
+dog-cart, and was clear of the premises; while Mr. Sponge determined to
+profit by Spraggon's absence, and lay the blame on him.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Plummey!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, as his servant entered, 'I'm
+deuced unwell&mdash;quite knocked up, in short,' clapping his hand on his
+forehead, adding, 'I shall not be able to dine downstairs to-day.'</p><p><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373"></a></p>
+
+<p>''Deed, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey, in a tone of commiseration&mdash;''deed, sir;
+sorry to hear that, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Are they all gone?' asked Mr. Puffington, dropping his
+boiled-gooseberry-looking eyes upon the fine-flowered carpet.</p>
+
+<p>'All gone, sir&mdash;all gone,' replied Mr. Plummey; 'all except Mr. Sponge.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he's still here!' replied Mr. Puffington, shuddering with disgust at
+the recollection of the newspaper run. 'Is he going to-day?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'No, sir&mdash;I dare say not, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey. 'His man&mdash;his
+groom&mdash;his&mdash;whatever he calls him, expects they'll be staying some time.'</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, whose hospitality, like
+Jawleyford's, was greater in imagination than in reality.</p>
+
+<p>'Shall I take these things away?' asked Plummey, after a pause.</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't you manage to get him to go?' asked Mr. Puffington, still harping
+on his remaining guest.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know, sir. I could try, sir&mdash;believe he's bad to move, sir,' replied
+Plummey, with a grin.</p>
+
+<p>'Is he really?' replied Mr. Puffington, alarmed lest Sponge should fasten
+himself upon him for good.</p>
+
+<p>'They say so,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'but I don't speak from any personal
+knowledge, for I know nothing of the man.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Mr. Puffington, amused at his servant's exclusiveness, 'I wish
+you would try to get rid of him, bow him out civilly, you know&mdash;say I'm
+unwell&mdash;very unwell&mdash;deuced unwell&mdash;<i>ordered</i> to keep quiet&mdash;say it as if
+from yourself, you know&mdash;it mustn't appear as if it came from me, you
+know.'</p>
+
+<p>'In course not,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'in course not,' adding, 'I'll do my
+best, sir&mdash;I'll do my best.' So saying, he took up the breakfast things and
+departed.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge regaling himself with a cigar in the stables and shrubberies, it
+was some time before Mr. Plummey had an opportunity of trying his diplomacy
+upon him, it being contrary to Mr. Plummey's custom to go out of doors
+after any one. At last he saw Sponge coming<a name="Page_374" id="Page_374"></a> lounging along the
+terrace-walk, looking like a man thoroughly disengaged, and, timing himself
+properly, encountered him in the entrance.</p>
+
+<p>'Beg pardon, sir,' said Mr. Plummey, 'but cook, sir, wishes to know, sir,
+if you dine here to-day, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>'Of course,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'where would you have me dine?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I don't know, sir&mdash;only Mr. Puffington, sir, is very poorly, sir, and
+I thought p'raps you'd be dining out.</p>
+
+<p>'Poorly is he?' replied Mr. Sponge; 'sorry to hear that&mdash;what's the matter
+with him?'</p>
+
+<p>'Bad bilious attack, I think,' replied Plummey&mdash;'very subject to them, at
+this time of year particklarly; was laid up, at least confined to his room,
+three weeks last year of a similar attack.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, not relishing the information.</p>
+
+<p>'Then I must say you'll dine here?' said the butler.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes; I must have my dinner, of course,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'I'm not ill,
+you know. No occasion to make a great spread for me, you know; but still I
+must have some victuals, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Mr. Plummey.</p>
+
+<p>'I couldn't think of leaving Mr. Puffington when he's poorly,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, half to himself and half to the butler.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, master&mdash;that's to say, Mr. Puffington&mdash;always does best when left
+alone,' observed Mr. Plummey, catching at the sentence: 'indeed the medical
+men recommend perfect quiet and moderate living as the best thing.'</p>
+
+<p>'Do they?' replied Sponge, taking out another cigar. Mr. Plummey then
+withdrew, and presently went upstairs to report progress, or rather want of
+progress, to the gentleman whom he sometimes condescended to call 'master.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Puffington had been taking another spell at the paper, and we need
+hardly say that the more he read of the run the less he liked it.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's Mr. Sponge's handiwork,' observed<a name="Page_375" id="Page_375"></a> Plummey, as with a sneer of
+disgust Mr. Puffington threw the paper from him as Plummey entered the
+room.</p>
+
+<p>'How do you know?' asked Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'Saw it, sir&mdash;saw it in the letter-bag going to the post.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Spraggon and he did it after they came in from hunting.'</p>
+
+<p>'I thought as much,' replied Mr. Puffington, in disgust.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Plummey then related how unsuccessful had been his attempts to get rid
+of the now most unwelcome guest. Mr. Puffington listened with attention,
+determined to get rid of him somehow or other. Plummey was instructed to
+ply Sponge well with hints, all of which, however, Mr. Sponge skilfully
+parried. So, at last, Mr. Puffington scrawled a miserable-looking note,
+explaining how very ill he was, how he regretted being deprived of Mr.
+Sponge's agreeable society, but hoping that it would suit Mr. Sponge to
+return as soon as he was better and pay the remainder of his visit&mdash;a
+pretty intelligible notice to quit, and one which even the cool Mr. Sponge
+was rather at a loss how to parry.</p>
+
+<p>He did not like the aspect of affairs. In addition to having to spend the
+evening by himself, the cook sent him a very moderate dinner, smoked soup,
+sodden fish, scraggy cutlets, and sour pudding. Mr. Plummey, too, seemed to
+have put all the company bottle-ends together for him. This would not do.
+If Sponge could have satisfied himself that his host would not be better in
+a day or two, he would have thought seriously of leaving; but as he could
+not bring himself to think that he would not, and, moreover, had no place
+to go to, had it not been for the concluding portion of Mr. Puffington's
+note, he would have made an effort to stay. That, however, put it rather
+out of his power, especially as it was done so politely, and hinted at a
+renewal of the visit. Mr. Sponge spent the evening in cogitating what he
+should do&mdash;thinking what sportsmen had held out the hand of
+good-fellowship, and hinted at hoping to have the pleasure of seeing him.
+Fyle, Fossick, Blossomnose, Capon, Dribble, Hook, and others, were all run
+through his mind, without his thinking it prudent to attempt to<a name="Page_376" id="Page_376"></a> fix a
+volunteer visit upon any of them. Many people he knew could pen polite
+excuses, who yet could not hit them off at the moment, especially in that
+great arena of hospitality&mdash;the hunting-field. He went to bed very much
+perplexed.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLIV" id="CHAPTER_XLIV"></a>CHAPTER XLIV</h2>
+
+<h3>WANTED&mdash;A RICH GOD-PAPA!</h3>
+
+
+<p>'When one door shuts another opens,' say the saucy servants; and fortune
+was equally favourable to our friend Mr. Sponge. Though he could not think
+of any one to whom he could volunteer a visit. Dame Fortune provided him
+with an overture from a party who wanted him! But we will introduce his new
+host, or rather victim.</p>
+
+<p>People hunt from various motives&mdash;some for the love of the thing&mdash;some for
+show&mdash;some for fashion&mdash;some for health&mdash;some for appetites&mdash;some for
+coffee-housing&mdash;some to say they have hunted&mdash;some because others hunt.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did not hunt from any of these motives, and it would
+puzzle a conjurer to make out why he hunted; indeed, the members of the
+different hunts he patronized&mdash;for he was one of the run-about,
+non-subscribing sort&mdash;were long in finding out. It was observed that he
+generally affected countries abounding in large woods, such as Stretchaway
+Forest, Hazelbury Chase, and Oakington Banks, into which he would dive with
+the greatest avidity. At first people thought he was a very keen hand,
+anxious to see a fox handsomely found, if he could not see him handsomely
+finished, against which latter luxury his figure and activity, or want of
+activity, were somewhat opposed. Indeed, when we say that he went by the
+name of the Woolpack, our readers will be able to imagine the style of man
+he was: long-headed, short-necked, large-girthed, dumpling-legged little
+fellow, who, like most fat men, made himself dangerous by compressing a
+most unreasonable stomach into a circumscribed coat, each particular button
+of<a name="Page_377" id="Page_377"></a> which looked as if it was ready to burst off, and knock out the eye of
+any one who might have the temerity to ride alongside of him. He was a
+puffy, wheezy, sententious little fellow, who accompanied his parables with
+a snort into a large finely plaited shirt-frill, reaching nearly up to his
+nose. His hunting-costume consisted of a black coat and waistcoat, with
+white moleskin breeches, much cracked and darned about the knees and other
+parts, as nether garments made of that treacherous stuff often are. His
+shapeless tops, made regardless of the refinements of 'right and left,'
+dangled at his horse's sides like a couple of stable-buckets; and he
+carried his heavy iron hammer-headed whip over his shoulder like a flail.
+But we are drawing his portrait instead of saying why he hunted. Well,
+then, having married Mrs. Springwheat's sister, who was always boasting to
+Mrs. Crowdey what a loving, doting husband Springey was after hunting, Mrs.
+Crowdey had induced Crowdey to try his hand, and though soon satisfied that
+he hadn't the slightest taste for the sport, but being a great man for what
+he called gibbey-sticks, he hunted for the purpose of finding them. As we
+said before, he generally appeared at large woodlands, into which he would
+ride with the hounds, plunging through the stiffest clay, and forcing his
+way through the strongest thickets, making observations all the while of
+the hazels, and the hollies, and the blackthorns, and, we are sorry to say,
+sometimes of the young oaks and ashes, that he thought would fashion into
+curious-handled walking-sticks; and these he would return for at a future
+day, getting them with as large clubs as possible, which he would cut into
+the heads of beasts, or birds, or fishes, or men. At the time of which we
+are writing, he had accumulated a vast quantity&mdash;thousands; the garret at
+the top of his house was quite full, so were most of the closets, while the
+rafters in the kitchen, and cellars, and out-houses, were crowded with
+others in a state of <i>d&eacute;shabille</i>. He calculated his stock at immense
+worth, we don't know how many thousand pounds; and as he cut, and puffed,
+and wheezed, and modelled, with a volume of Buffon, or the picture of some
+eminent man before him, he chuckled,<a name="Page_378" id="Page_378"></a> and thought how well he was providing
+for his family. He had been at it so long, and argued so stoutly, that Mrs.
+Jogglebury Crowdey, if not quite convinced of the accuracy of his
+calculations, nevertheless thought it well to encourage his hunting
+predilections, inasmuch as it brought him in contact with people he would
+not otherwise meet, who, she thought, might possibly be useful to their
+children. Accordingly, she got him his breakfast betimes on
+hunting-mornings, charged his pockets with currant-buns, and saw to the
+mending of his moleskins when he came home, after any of those casualties
+that occur as well in the chase as in gibbey-stick hunting.</p>
+
+<p>A stranger being a marked man in a rural country, Mr. Sponge excited more
+curiosity in Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's mind than Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did
+in Mr. Sponge's. In truth, Jogglebury was one of those unsportsmanlike
+beings, that a regular fox-hunter would think it waste of words to inquire
+about, and if Mr. Sponge saw him, he did not recollect him; while, on the
+other hand, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey went home very full of our friend. Now,
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a fine, bustling, managing woman, with a large
+family, for whom she exerted all her energies to procure desirable
+god-papas and mammas; and, no sooner did she hear of this newcomer, than
+she longed to appropriate him for god-papa to their youngest son.</p>
+
+<p>'Jog, my dear,' said she, to her spouse, as they sat at tea; 'it would be
+well to look after him.'</p>
+
+<p>'What for, my dear?' asked Jog, who was staring a stick, with a
+half-finished head of Lord Brougham for a handle, out of countenance.</p>
+
+<p>'What for, Jog? Why, can't you guess?'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jog doggedly.</p>
+
+<p>'No!' ejaculated his spouse. 'Why, Jog, you certainly are the stupidest man
+in existence.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not necessarily!' replied Jog, with a jerk of his head and a puff into his
+shirt-frill that set it all in a flutter.</p>
+
+<p>'Not necessarily!' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, who was what they call a
+'spirited woman,' in the same rising tone as before. 'Not necessarily! but
+I say necessarily&mdash;yes, necessarily. Do you hear me, Mr. Jogglebury?'</p><p><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I hear you,' replied Jogglebury scornfully, with another jerk, and another
+puff into the frill.</p>
+
+<p>The two then sat silent for some minutes, Jogglebury still contemplating
+the progressing head of Lord Brougham, and recalling the eye and features
+that some five-and-twenty years before had nearly withered him in a breach
+of promise action, 'Smiler <i>v</i>. Jogglebury,'<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> that being our friend's
+name before his uncle Crowdey left him his property.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 268px;">
+<img src="images/image379.jpg" width="268" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury having an object in view, and knowing that, though
+Jogglebury might lead, he would not drive, availed herself of the lull to
+trim her sail, to try and catch him on the other tack.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey,' said she, in a passive <a name="Page_380" id="Page_380"></a>tone of regret, 'I
+certainly thought however indifferent you might be to me' (and here she
+applied her handkerchief&mdash;rather a coarse one&mdash;to her eyes) 'that still you
+had some regard for the interests of your (sob) children'; and here the
+waterfalls of her beady black eyes went off in a gush.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, my dear,' replied Jogglebury, softened, 'I'm (puff) sure I'm
+(wheeze) anxious for my (puff) children. You don't s'pose if I wasn't
+(puff), I'd (wheeze) labour as I (puff&mdash;wheeze) do to leave them
+fortins?'&mdash;alluding to his exertions in the gibbey-stick line.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Jog, I dare say you're very good and very industrious,' sobbed Mrs.
+Jogglebury, 'but I sometimes (sob) think that you might apply your (sob)
+energies to a better (sob) purpose.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed, my dear (puff), I don't see that (wheeze),' replied Jogglebury,
+mildly.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, now, if you were to try and get this rich Mr. Sponge for a god-papa
+for Gustavus James,' continued she, drying her eyes as she came to the
+point, '<i>that</i>, I should say, would be worthy of you.'</p>
+
+<p>'But, my (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, 'I don't know Mr. (wheeze)
+Sponge, to begin with.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's nothing,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'he's a stranger, and you should
+call upon him.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jogglebury sat silent, still staring at Lord Brougham, thinking how he
+pitched into him, and how sick he was when the jury, without retiring from
+the box, gave five hundred pounds damages against him.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a fox-hunter, too,' continued his wife; 'and you ought to be civil to
+him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my (puff) dear, he's as likely to (wheeze) these fifty years as
+any (puff, wheeze) man I ever looked at,' replied Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'there's no saying when a
+fox-hunter may break his neck. My word! but Mrs. Slooman tells me pretty
+stories of Sloo's doings with the harriers&mdash;jumping over hurdles, and
+everything that comes in the way, and galloping along the stony lanes as if
+the wind was a snail compared to his horse. I tell you. Jog, you should
+call on this gentleman&mdash;'</p><p><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Mr. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'And ask him to come and stay here,' continued Mrs. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'Perhaps he mightn't like it (puff),' replied Jogglebury. 'I don't know
+that we could (puff) entertain him as he's (wheeze) accustomed to be,'
+added he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'we can entertain him well enough.
+You always say fox-hunters are not ceremonious. I tell you what, Jog, you
+don't think half enough of yourself. You are far too easily set aside. My
+word! but I know some people who would give themselves pretty airs if their
+husband was chairman of a board of guardians, and trustee of I don't know
+how many of Her Majesty's turnpike roads,' Mrs. Jog here thinking of her
+sister Mrs. Springwheat, who, she used to say, had married a mere farmer.
+'I tell you, Jog, you're far too humble, you don't think half enough of
+yourself.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you don't (puff) consider that all people ain't
+(puff) fond of (wheeze) children,' observed Jogglebury, after a pause.
+'Indeed, I've (puff) observed that some (wheeze) don't like them.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, but those will be nasty little brats, like Mrs. James Wakenshaw's, or
+Mrs. Tom Cheek's. But such children as ours! such charmers! such delights!
+there isn't a man in the county, from the Lord-Lieutenant downwards, who
+wouldn't be proud&mdash;who wouldn't think it a compliment&mdash;to be asked to be
+god-papa to such children. I tell you what, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, it
+would be far better to get them rich god-papas and god-mammas than to leave
+them a whole house full of sticks.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my (puff) dear, the (wheeze) sticks will prove very (wheeze)
+hereafter,' replied Jogglebury, bridling up at the imputation on his hobby.</p>
+
+<p>'I <i>hope</i> so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, in a tone of incredulity.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my (puff) dear, I (wheeze) you that they will be&mdash;indeed
+(puff), I may (wheeze) say that they (puff) are. It was only the other
+(puff) day that (wheeze) Patrick O'Fogo offered me five-and-twenty (wheeze)
+shillings for my (puff) blackthorn Daniel O'Connell,<a name="Page_382" id="Page_382"></a> which is by no means
+so (puff) good as the (wheeze) wild-cherry one, or, indeed (puff), as the
+yew-tree one that I (wheeze) out of Spankerley Park.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'd have taken it if I'd been you,' observed Mrs. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'But he's (puff) worth far more,' retorted Jogglebury angrily; 'why
+(wheeze) Lumpleg offered me as much for Disraeli.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'd have taken it, too,' rejoined Mrs. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'But I should have (wheeze) spoilt my (puff) set,' replied the gibbey-stick
+man. 'S'pose any (wheeze) body was to (puff) offer me five guineas a (puff)
+piece for the (puff) pick of my (puff) collection&mdash;my (puff) Wellingtons,
+my (wheeze) Napoleons, my (puff) Byrons, my (wheeze) Walter Scotts, my
+(puff) Lord Johns, d'ye think I'd take it?'</p>
+
+<p>'I should hope so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'I should (puff) do no such thing,' snorted her husband into his frill. 'I
+should hope,' continued he, speaking slowly and solemnly, 'that a (puff)
+wise ministry will purchase the whole (puff) collection for a (wheeze)
+grateful nation, when the (wheeze)' something 'is no more (wheeze).' The
+concluding words being lost in the emotion of the speaker (as the reporters
+say).</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but will you go and call on Mr. Sponge, dear?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, anxious as well to turn the subject as to make good her original
+point.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, my dear, I've no objection,' replied Joggle, wiping a tear from the
+corner of his eye with his coat-cuff.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a good soul!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury soothingly. 'Go to-morrow,
+like a nice, sensible man.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very well,' replied her now complacent spouse.</p>
+
+<p>'And ask him to come here,' continued she.</p>
+
+<p>'I can't (puff) ask him to (puff) come, my dear (wheeze), until he
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) returns my (puff) call.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, fiddle,' replied his wife, 'you always say fox-hunters never stand
+upon ceremony; why should you stand upon any with him?'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jogglebury was posed, and sat silent.</p><p><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLV" id="CHAPTER_XLV"></a>CHAPTER XLV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE DISCOMFITED DIPLOMATIST</h3>
+
+
+<p>Well, then, as we said before, when one door shuts another opens; and just
+as Mr. Puffington's door was closing on poor Mr. Sponge, who should cast up
+but our newly introduced friend, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey. Mr. Sponge was
+sitting in solitary state in the fine drawing-room, studying his old friend
+<i>Mogg</i>, calculating what he could ride from Spur Street, Leicester Square,
+by Short's Gardens, and across Waterloo Bridge, to the Elephant and Castle
+for, when the grinding of a vehicle on the gravelled ring attracted his
+attention. Looking out of the window, he saw a horse's head in a faded-red,
+silk-fronted bridle, with the letters 'J.C.' on the winkers; not 'J.C.'
+writhing in the elegant contortions of modern science, but 'J.C.' in the
+good, plain, matter-of-fact characters we have depicted above.</p>
+
+<p>'That'll be the doctor,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he resumed his
+reading and calculations, amidst a peal of the door-bell, well calculated
+to arouse the whole house. 'He's a good un to ring!' added he, looking up
+and wondering when the last lingering tinkle would cease.</p>
+
+<p>Before the fact was ascertained, there was a hurried tramp of feet past the
+drawing-room door, and presently the entrance one opened and let in&mdash;a rush
+of wind.</p>
+
+<p>'Is Mr. Sponge at home?' demanded a slow, pompous-speaking, deep-toned
+voice, evidently from the vehicle.</p>
+
+<p>'Yez-ur,' was the immediate answer.</p>
+
+<p>'Who can that be?' exclaimed Sponge, pocketing his <i>Mogg</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Then there was a creaking of springs and a jingling against iron steps, and
+presently a high-blowing, heavy-stepping body was heard crossing the
+entrance-hall, while an out-stripping footman announced Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, leaving the owner to follow his name at his leisure.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury had insisted on Jog putting on his new black frock&mdash;a very
+long coat, fitting like a sack,<a name="Page_384" id="Page_384"></a> with the well-filled pockets bagging
+behind, like a poor man's dinner wallet. In lieu of the shrunk and darned
+white moleskins, receding in apparent disgust from the dingy tops, he had
+got his nether man enveloped in a pair of fine cinnamon-coloured tweeds,
+with broad blue stripes down the sides, and shaped out over the clumsy
+foot.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 267px;">
+<img src="images/image384.jpg" width="267" height="300" alt="MR. JOGGLEBURY INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO MR. SPONGE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. JOGGLEBURY INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO MR. SPONGE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Puff, wheeze, puff, he now came waddling and labouring along, hat in hand,
+hurrying after the servant; puff, wheeze, puff, and he found himself in the
+room. 'Your servant, sir,' said he, sticking himself out behind, and
+addressing Mr. Sponge, making a ground sweep with his woolly hat.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Yours</i>,' said Mr. Sponge, with a similar bow.</p><p><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Fine day (puff&mdash;wheeze),' observed Mr. Jogglebury, blowing into his large
+frill.</p>
+
+<p>'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge, adding, 'won't you be seated?'</p>
+
+<p>'How's Puffington?' gasped our visitor, sousing himself upon one of the
+rosewood chairs in a way that threatened destruction to the slender fabric.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, he's pretty middling, <i>I</i> should say,' replied Sponge, now making up
+his mind that he was addressing the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>'Pretty middlin' (puff),' repeated Jogglebury, blowing into his frill;
+'pretty middlin' (wheeze); I s'pose that means he's got a (puff) gumboil.
+My third (wheeze) girl, Margaret Henrietta has one.'</p>
+
+<p>'Do you want to see him?' asked Sponge, after a pause, which seemed to
+indicate that his friend's conversation had come to a period, or full stop.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jogglebury unconcernedly. 'No; I'll leave a (puff) card for
+him (wheeze),' added he, fumbling in his wallet behind for his card-case.
+'My (puff) object is to pay my (wheeze) respects to you,' observed he,
+drawing a great carved Indian case from his pocket, and pulling off the top
+with a noise like the drawing of a cork.</p>
+
+<p>'Much obliged for the compliment,' observed Mr. Sponge, as Jogglebury
+fumbled and broke his nails in attempting to get a card out.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you stay long in this part of the world?' asked he, as at last he
+succeeded, and commenced tapping the corners of the card on the table.</p>
+
+<p>'I really don't know,' replied Mr. Sponge, as the particulars of his
+situation flashed across his mind. Could this pudding-headed man be a chap
+Puffington had got to come and sound him, thought he.</p>
+
+<p>Jogglebury sat silent for a time, examining his feet attentively as if to
+see they were pairs, and scrutinizing the bags of his cinnamon-coloured
+trousers.</p>
+
+<p>'I was going to say (hem&mdash;cough&mdash;hem),' at length observed he, looking up,
+'that's to say, I was thinking (hem&mdash;wheeze&mdash;cough&mdash;hem), or rather I
+should say, Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey sent me to say&mdash;I mean to <a name="Page_386" id="Page_386"></a>say,'
+continued he, stamping one of his ponderous feet against the floor as if to
+force out his words, 'Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey and I would be glad&mdash;happy,
+that's to say (hem)&mdash;if you would arrange (hem) to (wheeze) pay us a visit
+(hem).'</p>
+
+<p>'Most happy, I'm sure!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, jumping at the offer.</p>
+
+<p>'Before you go (hem),' continued our visitor, taking up the sentence where
+Sponge had interrupted him; 'I (hem) live about nine miles (hem) from here
+(hem).'</p>
+
+<p>'Are there any hounds in your neighbourhood?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes,' replied Mr. Jogglebury slowly; 'Mr. Puffington here draws up to
+Greatacre Gorse within a few (puff&mdash;wheeze) miles&mdash;say, three (puff)&mdash;of my
+(wheeze) house; and Sir Harry Scattercash (puff) hunts all the
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) country below, right away down to the (puff&mdash;wheeze) sea.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, you're a devilish good fellow!' exclaimed Sponge; 'and I'll tell you
+what, as I'm sure you mean what you say, I'll take you at your word and go
+at once; and that'll give our friend here time to come round.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, but (puff&mdash;wheeze&mdash;gasp),' started Mr. Jogglebury, the blood rushing
+to his great yellow, whiskerless cheeks, 'I'm not quite (gasp) sure that
+Mrs. (gasp) Jogglebury (puff) Crowdey would be (puff&mdash;wheeze&mdash;gasp)
+prepared.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, <i>hang</i> preparation!' interrupted Mr. Sponge. 'I'll take you as you
+are. Never mind me. I hate being made company of. Just treat me like one of
+yourselves; toad-in-the-hole, dog-in-the-blanket, beef-steaks and
+oyster-sauce, rabbits and onions&mdash;anything; nothing comes amiss to me.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, and while Jogglebury sat purple and unable to articulate, Mr.
+Sponge applied his hand to the ivory bell-knob and sounded an imposing
+peal. Mr. Jogglebury sat wondering what was going to happen, and thinking
+what a wigging he would get from Mrs. J. if he didn't manage to shake off
+his friend. Above all, he recollected that they had nothing but haddocks
+and hashed mutton for dinner.</p><p><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Tell Leather I want him,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of authority, as the
+footman answered the summons; then, turning to his guest, as the man was
+leaving the room, he said, 'Won't you take something after your drive&mdash;cold
+meat, glass of sherry, soda-water, bottled porter&mdash;anything in that line?'</p>
+
+<p>In an ordinary way, Jogglebury would have said, 'if you please,' at the
+sound of the words 'cold meat,' for he was a dead hand at luncheon; but the
+fix he was in completely took away his appetite, and he sat wheezing and
+thinking whether to make another effort, or to wait the arrival of Leather.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Leather appeared, jean-jacketed and gaitered, smoothing his hair
+over his forehead, after the manner of the brotherhood.</p>
+
+<p>'Leather,' said Mr. Sponge, in the same tone of importance, 'I'm going to
+this gentleman's'; for as yet he had not sufficiently mastered the name to
+be able to venture upon it in the owner's presence. 'Leather, I'm going to
+this gentleman's, and I want you to bring me a horse over in the morning;
+or stay,' said he, interrupting himself, and, turning to Jogglebury, he
+exclaimed, 'I dare say you could manage to put me up a couple of horses,
+couldn't you? and then we should be all cosy and jolly together, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>''Pon my word,' gasped Jogglebury nearly choked by the proposal; ''pon my
+word, I can hardly (puff) say, I hardly (wheeze) know, but if you'll
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) allow me, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll (puff&mdash;wheeze)
+home, and see what I can (puff) do in the way of entertainment for
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) man as well as for (puff&mdash;wheeze) horse.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, <i>thank you</i>, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Sponge, seeing the intended
+dodge; '<i>thank you</i>, my dear fellow!' repeated he; 'but that's giving you
+too much trouble&mdash;<i>far</i> too much trouble!&mdash;couldn't think of such a
+thing&mdash;no, indeed, I couldn't. <i>I'll</i> tell you what we'll do&mdash;<i>I'll</i> tell
+you what we'll do. You shall drive me over in that shandrydan-rattle-trap
+thing of yours'&mdash;Sponge looking out of the window, as he spoke, at the
+queer-shaped, jumped-together, lack-lustre-looking vehicle, <a name="Page_388" id="Page_388"></a>with a
+turnover seat behind, now in charge of a pepper-and-salt attired youth,
+with a shabby hat, looped up by a thin silver cord to an acorn on the
+crown, and baggy Berlin gloves&mdash;'and I'll just see what there is in the way
+of stabling; and if I think it will do, then I'll give a boy sixpence or a
+shilling to come over to Leather, here,' jerking his head towards his
+factotum; 'if it won't do, why then&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'We shall want <i>three</i> stalls, sir&mdash;recollect, sir, 'interrupted Leather,
+who did not wish to move his quarters.</p>
+
+<p>'True, I forgot,' replied Sponge, with a frown at his servant's
+officiousness; 'however, if we can get two good stalls for the hunters,'
+said he, 'we'll manage the hack somehow or other.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Mr. Leather, in a tone of resignation, knowing how hopeless
+it was arguing with his master.</p>
+
+<p>'I really think,' gasped Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, encouraged by the apparent
+sympathy of the servant to make a last effort, 'I really think,' repeated
+he, as the hashed mutton and haddocks again flashed across his mind, 'that
+my (puff&mdash;wheeze) plan is the (puff) best; let me (puff&mdash;wheeze) home and
+see how all (puff&mdash;wheeze) things are, and then I'll write you a
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) line, or send a (puff&mdash;wheeze) servant over.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no&mdash;that's far too much trouble. I'll just
+go over with you now and reconnoitre.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'm afraid Mrs. (puff&mdash;wheeze) Crowdey will hardly be prepared for
+(puff&mdash;wheeze) visitors,' ejaculated our friend, recollecting it was
+washing-day, and that Mary Ann would be wanted in the laundry.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't mention it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'don't mention it. I hate to be
+made company of. Just give me what you have yourselves&mdash;just give me what
+you have yourselves. Where two can dine, three can dine, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was nonplussed.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now,' said Mr. Sponge, turning again to Leather; 'just go upstairs
+and help me to pack up my things; and,' addressing himself to our visitor,
+he said, 'perhaps you'll amuse yourself with the paper&mdash;the <i>Post</i>&mdash;or
+<a name="Page_389" id="Page_389"></a>I'll lend you my <i>Mogg</i>,' continued he, offering the little gilt-lettered,
+purple-backed volume as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank'ee,' replied Mr. Jogglebury, who was still tapping away at the card,
+which he had now worked very soft.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then left him with the volume in his hand, and proceeded
+upstairs to his bedroom.</p>
+
+<p>In less than twenty minutes, the vehicle was got under way, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey and Mr. Sponge occupying the roomy seats in front, and Bartholomew
+Badger, the before-mentioned tiger, and Mr. Sponge's portmanteau and
+carpet-bag, being in the very diminutive turnover seat behind. The carriage
+was followed by the straining eyes of sundry Johns and Janes, who
+unanimously agreed that Mr. Sponge was the meanest, shabbiest gent they had
+ever had in <i>their</i> house. Mr. Leather was, therefore, roasted in the
+servants' hall, where the sins of the masters are oft visited upon the
+servants.</p>
+
+<p>But to our travellers.</p>
+
+<p>Little conversation passed between our friends for the first few miles,
+for, in addition to the road being rough, the driving-seat was so high, and
+the other so low, that Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's parables broke against Mr.
+Sponge's hat-crown, instead of dropping into his ear; besides which, the
+unwilling host's mind was a good deal occupied with wishing that there had
+been three haddocks instead of two, and speculating whether Mrs. Crowdey
+would be more pleased at the success of his mission, or put out of her way
+by Mr. Sponge's unexpected coming. Above all, he had marked some very
+promising-looking sticks&mdash;two blackthorns and a holly&mdash;to cut on his way
+home, and he was intent on not missing them. So sudden was the jerk that
+announced his coming on the first one, as nearly to throw the old family
+horse on his knees, and almost to break Mr. Sponge's nose against the brass
+edge of the cocked-up splash-board. Ere Mr. Sponge recovered his
+equilibrium, the whip was in the case, the reins dangling about the old
+screw's heels, and Mr. Crowdey scrambling up a steep bank to where a very
+thick boundary-hedge shut out the view of the adjacent country. Presently,
+chop, chop, chop, was heard, from Mr. Crowdey's pocket axe, with a
+<a name="Page_390" id="Page_390"></a>tug&mdash;wheeze&mdash;puff from himself; next a crash of separation; and then the
+purple-faced Mr. Crowdey came bearing down the bank dragging a great
+blackthorn bush after him.</p>
+
+<p>'What have you got there?' inquired Mr. Sponge, with surprise.</p>
+
+<p>'Got! (wheeze&mdash;puff&mdash;wheeze),' replied Mr. Crowdey, pulling up short, and
+mopping his perspiring brow with a great claret-coloured bandana. 'Got!
+I've (puff&mdash;wheeze) got what I (wheeze) think will (puff) into a most
+elaborate and (wheeze) valuable walking-stick. This I (puff) think,'
+continued he, eyeing the great ball with which he had got it up, 'will
+(wheeze) come in most valuably (puff) for my great (puff&mdash;wheeze&mdash;gasp)
+national undertaking&mdash;the (puff) Kings and (wheeze) Queens of Great Britain
+(gasp).'</p>
+
+<p>'What are <i>they</i>?' asked Mr. Sponge, astonished at his vehemence.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! (puff&mdash;wheeze&mdash;gasp) haven't you heard?' exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury,
+taking off his great woolly hat, and giving his lank, dark hair, streaked
+with grey, a sweep round his low forehead with the bandana. 'Oh!
+(puff&mdash;gasp) haven't you heard?' repeated he, getting a little more breath.
+'I'm (wheeze) undertaking a series of (gasp) sticks,
+representing&mdash;(gasp)&mdash;immortalizing, I may say (puff), all the (wheeze)
+crowned heads of England (puff).'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'They'll be a most valuable collection (wheeze&mdash;puff),' continued Mr.
+Jogglebury, still eyeing the knob. 'This,' added he, 'shall be William the
+Fourth.' He then commenced lopping and docking the sides, making
+Bartholomew Badger bury them in a sand-pit hard by, observing, in a
+confidential wheeze to Mr. Sponge, 'that he had once been county-courted
+for a similar trespass before.' The top and lop being at length disposed
+of, Mr. Crowdey, grasping the club-end, struck the other forcibly against
+the ground, exclaiming, 'There!&mdash;there's a (puff) stick! Who knows what
+that (puff&mdash;wheeze) stick may be worth some day?'</p>
+
+<p>He then bundled into his carriage and drove on.</p>
+
+<p>Two more stoppages marked their arrival at the other <a name="Page_391" id="Page_391"></a>sticks, which being
+duly captured and fastened within the straps of the carriage-apron, Mr.
+Crowdey drove on somewhat more at ease in his mind, at all events somewhat
+comforted at the thoughts of having increased his wealth. He did not become
+talkative&mdash;indeed that was not his forte, but he puffed into his
+shirt-frill, and made a few observations, which, if they did not possess
+much originality, at all events showed that he was not asleep.</p>
+
+<p>'Those are draining-tiles,' said he, after a hearty stare at a cart-load.
+Then about five minutes after he blew again, and said, 'I don't think
+(puff) that (wheeze) draining without (gasp) manuring will constitute high
+farming (puff).'</p>
+
+<p>So he jolted and wheezed, and jerked and jagged the old quadruped's mouth,
+occasionally hissing between his teeth, and stamping against the bottom of
+the carriage, when other persuasive efforts failed to induce it to keep up
+the semblance of a trot. At last the ill-supported hobble died out into a
+walk, and Mr. Crowdey, complacently dropping his fat hand on his fat knees,
+seemed to resign himself to his fate.</p>
+
+<p>So they crawled along the up-and-downy piece of road below Poplarton
+plantations, Mr. Jogglebury keeping a sharp eye upon the underwood for
+sticks. After passing these, they commenced the gradual ascent of
+Roundington Hill, when a sudden sweep of the road brought them in view of
+the panorama of the rich Vale of Butterflower.</p>
+
+<p>'There's a snug-looking box,' observed Sponge, as he at length espied a
+confused jumble of gable-ends and chimney-pots rising from amidst a clump
+of Scotch firs and other trees, looking less like a farmhouse than anything
+he had seen.</p>
+
+<p>'That's my house (puff); that's Puddingpote Bower (wheeze),' replied
+Crowdey slowly and pompously, adding an 'e' to the syllable, to make it
+sound better, the haddocks, hashed mutton, and all the horrors of impromptu
+hospitality rushing upon his mind.</p>
+
+<p>Things began to look worse the nearer he got home. He didn't care to
+aggravate the old animal into a trot. He again wondered whether Mrs. J.
+would be pleased at the success of his mission, or angry at the unexpected
+coming.</p><p><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Where are the stables?' asked Sponge, as he scanned the in-and-out
+irregularities of the building.</p>
+
+<p>'Stables (wheeze), stables (puff),' repeated Crowdey&mdash;thinking of his
+troubles&mdash;of its being washing-day, and Mary Ann, or Murry Ann, as he
+called her, the under-butler, being engaged; of Bartholomew Badger having
+the horse and fe-<i>a</i>-ton to clean, &amp;c.&mdash;'stables,' repeated he for the
+third time; 'stables are at the back, behind, in fact; you'll see a (puff)
+vane&mdash;a (wheeze) fox, on the top.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, brightening up, thinking there would be
+old hay and corn.</p>
+
+<p>They now came to a half-Swiss, half-Gothic little cottage of a lodge, and
+the old horse turned instinctively into the open white gate with pea-green
+bands.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's Mrs. Crow&mdash;Crow&mdash;Crowdey!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively, as a
+tall woman, in flare-up red and yellow stunner tartan, with a swarm of
+little children, similarly attired, suddenly appeared at an angle of the
+road, the lady handling a great alpaca umbrella-looking parasol in the
+stand-and-deliver style.</p>
+
+<p>'What's kept you?' exclaimed she, as the vehicle got within ear-shot.
+'What's kept you?' repeated she, in a sharper key, holding her parasol
+across the road, but taking no notice of our friend Sponge, who, in truth,
+she took for Edgebone, the butcher. 'Oh! you've been after your sticks,
+have you?' added she, as her spouse drew the vehicle up alongside of her,
+and she caught the contents of the apron-straps.</p>
+
+<p>'My dear (puff)' gasped her husband, 'I've brought Mr. (wheeze) Sponge,'
+said he, winking his right eye, and jerking his head over his left
+shoulder, looking very frightened all the time. 'Mr. (puff) Sponge, Mrs.
+(gasp) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,' continued he, motioning with his hand.</p>
+
+<p>Finding himself in the presence of his handsome hostess, Sponge made her
+one of his best bows, and offered to resign his seat in the carriage to
+her. This she declined, alleging that she had the children with
+her&mdash;looking round on the grinning, gaping group, the majority of them with
+their mouths smeared with lollipops. Crowdey, who was not so stupid as he
+looked, was<a name="Page_393" id="Page_393"></a> nettled at Sponge's attempting to fix his wife upon him at
+such a critical moment, and immediately retaliated with, 'P'raps (puff)
+you'd like to (puff) out and (wheeze) walk.'</p>
+
+<p>There was no help for this, and Sponge having alighted, Mr. Crowdey said,
+half to Mr. Sponge and half to his fine wife, 'Then (puff&mdash;wheeze) I'll
+just (puff) on and get Mr. (wheeze) Sponge's room ready.' So saying, he
+gave the old nag a hearty jerk with the bit, and two or three longitudinal
+cuts with the knotty-pointed whip, and jingled away with a bevy of children
+shouting, hanging on, and dragging behind, amidst exclamations from Mrs.
+Crowdey, of 'O Anna Maria! Juliana Jane! O Frederick James, you naughty
+boy! you'll spoil your new shoes! Archibald John, you'll be kilt! you'll be
+run over to a certainty. O Jogglebury, you inhuman man!' continued she,
+running and brandishing her alpaca parasol, 'you'll run over your children!
+you'll run over your children!'</p>
+
+<p>'My (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, looking coolly over his shoulder,'
+how can they be (wheeze) run over behind?'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image393.jpg" width="300" height="262" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>So saying Jogglebury ground away at his leisure.</p><p><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLVI" id="CHAPTER_XLVI"></a>CHAPTER XLVI</h2>
+
+<h3>PUDDINGPOTE BOWER, THE SEAT OF JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY, ESQ.</h3>
+
+
+<p>'Your good husband,' observed Mr. Sponge as he now overtook his hostess and
+proceeded with her towards the house, 'has insisted upon bringing me over
+to spend a few days till my friend Puffington recovers. He's just got the
+gout. I said I was 'fraid it mightn't be quite convenient to you, but Mr.
+Crowdey assured me you were in the habit of receivin' fox-hunters at short
+notice; and so I have taken him at his word, you see, and come.'</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury, who was still out of wind from her run after the carriage,
+assured him that she was extremely happy to see him, though she couldn't
+help thinking what a noodle Jog was to bring a stranger on a washing-day.
+That, however, was a point she would reserve for Jog.</p>
+
+<p>Just then a loud outburst from the children announced the approach of the
+eighth wonder of the world, in the person of Gustavus James in the nurse's
+arms, with a curly blue feather nodding over his nose. Mrs. Jogglebury's
+black eyes brightened with delight as she ran forward to meet him; and in
+her mind's eye she saw him inheriting a splendid mansion, with a retinue of
+powdered footmen in pea-green liveries and broad gold-laced hats.
+Great&mdash;prospectively great, at least&mdash;as had been her successes in the
+sponsor line with her other children, she really thought, getting Mr.
+Sponge for a god-papa for Gustavus James eclipsed all her other doings.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, having been liberal in his admiration of the other children, of
+course could not refuse unbounded applause to the evident object of a
+mother's regards; and, chucking the young gentleman under his double chin,
+asked him how he was, and said something about something he had in his
+'box,' alluding to a paper of cheap comfits he had bought at Sugarchalk's,
+the confectioner's, sale in Oxford Street, and which he carried <a name="Page_395" id="Page_395"></a>about for
+contingencies like the present. This pleased Mrs. Crowdey&mdash;looking, as she
+thought, as if he had come predetermined to do what she wanted. Amidst
+praises and stories of the prodigy, they reached the house.</p>
+
+<p>If a 'hall' means a house with an entrance-'hall,' Puddingpote Bower did
+not aspire to be one. A visitor dived, <i>in medias res</i>, into the passage at
+once. In it stood an oak-cased family clock, and a large glass-case, with
+an alarming-looking, stuffed tiger-like cat, on an imitation marble slab.
+Underneath the slab, indeed all about the passage, were scattered
+children's hats and caps, hoops, tops, spades, and mutilated toys&mdash;spotted
+horses without heads, soldiers without arms, windmills without sails, and
+wheelbarrows without wheels. In a corner were a bunch of 'gibbeys' in the
+rough, and alongside the weather-glass hung Jog's formidable flail of a
+hunting-whip.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge found his portmanteau standing bolt upright in the passage, with
+the bag alongside of it, just as they had been chucked out of the phaeton
+by Bartholomew Badger, who, having got orders to put the horse right, and
+then to put himself right to wait at dinner, Mr. Jogglebury proceeded to
+vociferate:</p>
+
+<p>'Murry Ann!&mdash;Murry Ann!' in such a way that Mary Ann thought either that
+the cat had got young Crowdey, or the house was on fire. 'Oh! Murry Ann!'
+exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury, as she came darting into the passage from the
+back settlements, up to the elbows in soap-suds; 'I want you to (puff)
+upstairs with me, and help to get my (wheeze) gibbey-sticks out of the best
+room; there's a (puff) gentleman coming to (wheeze) here.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, indeed, sir,' replied Mary Ann, smiling, and dropping down her
+sleeves&mdash;glad to find it was no worse.</p>
+
+<p>They then proceeded upstairs together.</p>
+
+<p>All the gibbey-sticks were bundled out, both the finished ones, that were
+varnished and laid away carefully in the wardrobe, and those that were
+undergoing surgical treatment, in the way of twistings, and bendings, and
+tyings in the closets. As they routed them out of hole and corner,
+Jogglebury kept up a sort of running <a name="Page_396" id="Page_396"></a>recommendation to mercy, mingled with
+an inquiry into the state of the household affairs.</p>
+
+<p>'Now (puff), Murry Ann!' exclaimed he; 'take care you don't scratch that
+(puff) Franky Burdett,' handing her a highly varnished oak stick, with the
+head of Sir Francis for a handle; 'and how many (gasp) haddocks d'ye say
+there are in the house?'</p>
+
+<p>'Three, sir,' replied Mary Ann.</p>
+
+<p>'Three!' repeated he, with an emphasis. 'I thought your (gasp) missus told
+me there were but (puff) two; and, Murry Ann, you must put the new (puff)
+quilt on the (gasp) bed, and (puff) just look under it (gasp) and you'll
+find the (puff) old Truro rolled up in a dirty (puff) pocket hankercher;
+and, Murry Ann, d'ye think the new (wheeze) purtaters came that I bought of
+(puff) Billy Bloxom? If so, you'd better (puff) some for dinner, and get
+the best (wheeze) decanters out; and, Murry Ann, there are two gibbeys on
+the (puff) surbase at the back of the bed, which you may as well (puff)
+away. Ah! here he is,' added Mr. Jogglebury, as Mr. Sponge's voice rose now
+from the passage into the room above.</p>
+
+<p>Things now looked pretty promising. Mr. Sponge's attentions to the children
+generally, and to Gustavus James in particular, coupled with his
+free-and-easy mode of introducing himself, made Mrs. Crowdey feel far more
+at her ease with regard to entertaining him than she would have done if her
+neighbour, Mr. Makepeace, or the Rev. Mr. Facey himself, had dropped in to
+take 'pot luck,' as they called it. With either of these she would have
+wished to appear as if their every-day form was more in accordance with
+their company style, whereas Jog and she wanted to get something out of Mr.
+Sponge, instead of electrifying him with their grandeur. That Gustavus
+James was destined for greatness she had not the least doubt. She began to
+think whether it might not be advisable to call him Gustavus James Sponge.
+Jog, too, was comforted at hearing there were three haddocks, for though
+hospitably inclined, he did not at all like the idea of being on short
+commons himself. He had sufficient confidence in Mrs. Jogglebury's
+management&mdash;especially as the guest was of her own <a name="Page_397" id="Page_397"></a>seeking&mdash;to know that
+she would make up a tolerable dinner.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 265px;">
+<img src="images/image397.jpg" width="265" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Nor was he out of his reckoning, for at half-past five Bartholomew
+announced dinner, when in sailed Mrs. Crowdey fresh from the composition of
+it and from the becoming revision of her own dress. Instead of the loose,
+flowing, gipsified, stunner tartan of the morning, she was attired in a
+close-fitting French grey silk, showing as well the fulness and whiteness
+of her exquisite bust, as the beautiful formation of her arms. Her raven
+hair was ably parted and flattened on either side of her well-shaped head.
+Sponge felt proud of the honour of having such a fine creature on his arm,
+and kicked about in his tights more than usual.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner, though it might show symptoms of hurry, was yet plentiful and
+good of its kind; and if Bartholomew had not been always getting in Murry
+Ann's way, would have been well set on and served. Jog quaffed quantities
+of foaming bottled porter during the progress <a name="Page_398" id="Page_398"></a>of it, and threw himself
+back in his chair at the end, as if thoroughly overcome with his exertions.
+Scarcely were the wine and dessert set on, ere a violent outbreak in the
+nursery caused Mrs. Crowdey to hurry away, leaving Mr. Sponge to enjoy the
+company of her husband.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll drink (puff) fox-hunting, I s'pose,' observed Jog after a pause,
+helping himself to a bumper of port and passing the bottle to Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'With all my heart,' replied our hero, filling up.</p>
+
+<p>'Fine (puff, wheeze) amusement,' observed Mr. Crowdey, with a yawn after
+another pause, and beating the devil's tattoo upon the table to keep
+himself awake.</p>
+
+<p>'Very,' replied Mr. Sponge, wondering how such a thick-winded chap as Jog
+managed to partake of it.</p>
+
+<p>'Fine (puff, wheeze) appetizer,' observed Jogglebury, after another pause.</p>
+
+<p>'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Jog began to snore, and as the increasing melody of his nose gave
+little hopes of returning animation, Mr. Sponge had recourse to his old
+friend <i>Mogg</i> and amidst speculations as to time and distances, managed to
+finish the port. We will now pass to the next morning.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever deficiency there might be at dinner was amply atoned for at
+breakfast, which was both good and abundant; bread and cake of all sorts,
+eggs, muffins, toast, honey, jellies, and preserves without end. On the
+side-table was a dish of hot kidneys and a magnificent red home-fed ham.</p>
+
+<p>But a greater treat far, as Mrs. Jogglebury thought, was in the guests set
+around. There were arranged all her tulips in succession, beginning with
+that greatest of all wonders, Gustavus James, and running on with Anna
+Maria, Frederick John, Juliana Jane, Margaret Henrietta, Sarah Amelia, down
+to Peter William, the heir, who sat next his pa. These formed a close line
+on the side of the table opposite the fire, that side being left for Mr.
+Sponge. All the children had clean pinafores on, and their hairs plastered
+according to nursery regulation. Mr. Sponge's appearance was a signal for
+silence, and they all sat staring at him in mute astonishment. <a name="Page_399" id="Page_399"></a>Baby,
+Gustavus James, did more; for after reconnoitring him through a sort of
+lattice window formed of his fingers, he whined out, 'Who's that ogl-e-y
+man, ma?' amidst the titter of the rest of the line.</p>
+
+<p>'Hush! my dear,' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, hoping Mr. Sponge hadn't heard.
+But Gustavus James was not to be put down, and he renewed the charge as his
+mamma began pouring out the tea.</p>
+
+<p>'Send that ogl-e-y man away, ma!' whined he, in a louder tone, at which all
+the children burst out a-laughing.</p>
+
+<p>'Baby (puff), Gustavus! (wheeze),' exclaimed Jog, knocking with the handle
+of his knife against the table, and frowning at the prodigy.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, pa, he <i>is</i> a ogl-e-y man,' replied the child, amid the
+ill-suppressed laughter of the rest.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, but what have <i>I</i> got!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, producing a gaudily
+done-up paper of comfits from his pocket, opening and distributing the
+unwholesome contents along the line, stopping the orator's mouth first with
+a great, red-daubed, almond comfit.</p>
+
+<p>Breakfast was then proceeded with without further difficulty. As it drew to
+a close, and Mr. Sponge began nibbling at the sweets instead of continuing
+his attack on the solids, Mrs. Jogglebury began eyeing and telegraphing her
+husband.</p>
+
+<p>'Jog, my dear,' said she, looking significantly at him, and then at the
+egg-stand, which still contained three eggs.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, my dear,' replied Jog, with a vacant stare, pretending not to
+understand.</p>
+
+<p>'You'd better eat them,' said she, looking again at the eggs.</p>
+
+<p>'I've (puff) breakfasted, my (wheeze) dear,' replied Jog pompously, wiping
+his mouth on his claret-coloured bandana.</p>
+
+<p>'They'll be wasted if you don't,' replied Mrs. Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but they'll be wasted if I eat them without (wheeze) wanting them,'
+rejoined he.</p>
+
+<p>'Nonsense, Jog, you always say that,' retorted his wife. <a name="Page_400" id="Page_400"></a>'Nonsense (puff),
+nonsense (wheeze), I say they <i>will</i>.'</p>
+
+<p>'I say they <i>won't</i>!' replied Mrs. Jog; 'now will they, Mr. Sponge?'
+continued she, appealing to our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, no, not so much as if they went out,' replied our friend, thinking
+Mrs. Jog was the one to side with.</p>
+
+<p>'Then you'd better (puff, wheeze, gasp) eat them between you,' replied Jog,
+getting up and strutting out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>Presently he appeared in front of the house, crowned in a pea-green
+wide-awake, with a half-finished gibbey in his hand; and as Mr. Sponge did
+not want to offend him, and moreover wanted to get his horses billeted on
+him, he presently made an excuse for joining him.</p>
+
+<p>Although his horses were standing 'free gratis,' as he called it, at Mr.
+Puffington's, and though he would have thought nothing of making Mr.
+Leather come over with one each hunting morning, still he felt that if the
+hounds were much on the other side of Puddingpote Bower, it would not be so
+convenient as having them there. Despite the egg controversy, he thought a
+judicious application of soft sawder might accomplish what he wanted. At
+all events, he would try.</p>
+
+<p>Jog had brought himself short up, and was standing glowering with his hands
+in his coat-pockets, as if he had never seen the place before.</p>
+
+<p>'Pretty look-out you have here, Mr. Jogglebury,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+joining him.</p>
+
+<p>'Very,' replied Jog, still cogitating the egg question, and thinking he
+wouldn't have so many boiled the next day.</p>
+
+<p>'All yours?' asked Sponge, waving his hand as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'My (puff) ter-ri-tory goes up to those (wheeze) firs in the grass-field on
+the hill,' replied Jogglebury, pompously.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' said Mr. Sponge, 'they are fine trees'; thinking what a finish
+they would make for a steeple-chase.</p>
+
+<p>'My (puff) uncle, Crowdey, planted those (wheeze) trees,' observed Jog. 'I
+observe,' added he, 'that it is easier to cut down a (puff) tree than to
+make it (wheeze) again.' <a name="Page_401" id="Page_401"></a>'I believe you're right,' replied Mr. Sponge;
+'that idea has struck me very often.'</p>
+
+<p>'Has it?' replied Jog, puffing voluminously into his frill.</p>
+
+<p>They then advanced a few paces, and, leaning on the iron hurdles, commenced
+staring at the cows.</p>
+
+<p>'Where are the stables?' at last asked Sponge, seeing no inclination to
+move on the part of his host.</p>
+
+<p>'Stables (wheeze)&mdash;stables (puff),' replied Jogglebury, recollecting
+Sponge's previous day's proposal&mdash;'stables (wheeze) are behind,' said he,
+'at the back there (puff); nothin' to see at them (wheeze).'</p>
+
+<p>'There'll be the horse you drove yesterday; won't you go to see how he is?'
+asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sure to be well (puff); never nothing the matter with him (wheeze),'
+replied Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'May as well see,' rejoined Mr. Sponge, turning up a narrow walk that
+seemed to lead to the back.</p>
+
+<p>Jog followed doggedly. He had a good deal of John Bull in him, and did not
+fancy being taken possession of in that sort of way; and thought, moreover,
+that Mr. Sponge had not behaved very well in the matter of the egg
+controversy.</p>
+
+<p>The stables certainly were nothing to boast of. They were in an old
+rubble-stone, red-tiled building, without even the delicacy of a ceiling.
+Nevertheless, there was plenty of room even after Jogglebury had cut off
+one end for a cow-house.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, you might hunt the country with all this stabling,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, as he entered the low door. 'One, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine. Nine stalls, I declare,' added he, after counting them.</p>
+
+<p>'My (puff) uncle used to (wheeze) a good deal of his own (puff) land,'
+replied Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well, I'll tell you what: these stables will be much better for being
+occupied,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'And I'll tell you what I'll do for you.'</p>
+
+<p>'But they <i>are</i> occupied!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively.</p>
+
+<p>'Only half,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'or a quarter, I <a name="Page_402" id="Page_402"></a>may say&mdash;not even that,
+indeed. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll have my horses over here, and you
+shall find them in straw in return for the manure, and just charge me for
+hay and corn at market price, you know. That'll make it all square and
+fair, and no obligation, you know. I hate obligations,' added he, eyeing
+Jog's disconcerted face.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, but (puff, wheeze, gasp)&mdash;' exclaimed Jogglebury, reddening up&mdash;'I
+don't (puff) know that I can (gasp) that. I mean (puff) that this (wheeze)
+stable is all the (gasp) 'commodation I have; and if we had (puff) company,
+or (gasp) anything of that sort, I don't know where we should (wheeze)
+their horses,' continued he. 'Besides, I don't (puff, wheeze) know about
+the market price of (gasp) corn. My (wheeze) tenant, Tom Hayrick, at the
+(puff) farm on the (wheeze) hill yonder, supplies me with the (puff)
+quantity I (wheeze) want, and we just (puff, wheeze, gasp) settle once a
+(puff) half-year, or so.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I see,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'you mean to say you wouldn't know how to
+strike the average so as to say what I ought to pay.'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' rejoined Mr. Jogglebury, jumping at the idea.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of indifference; 'it's no great
+odds&mdash;it's no great odds&mdash;more the name of the thing than anything else;
+one likes to be independent, you know&mdash;one likes to be independent; but as
+I shan't be with you long, I'll just put up with it for once&mdash;I'll just put
+up with it for once&mdash;and let you find me&mdash;and let you find me.' So saying,
+he walked away, leaving Jogglebury petrified at his impudence.</p>
+
+<p>'That husband of yours is a monstrous good fellow,' observed Mr. Sponge to
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who he now met coming out with her tail: 'he <i>will</i> insist
+on my having my horses over here&mdash;most liberal, handsome thing of him, I'm
+sure; and that reminds me, can you manage to put up my servant?'</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say we can,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury thoughtfully. 'He's not a very
+fine gentleman, is he?' asked she, knowing that servants were often more
+difficult to please than their masters. <a name="Page_403" id="Page_403"></a>'Oh, not at all,' replied Sponge;
+'not at all&mdash;wouldn't suit me if he was&mdash;wouldn't suit me if he was.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then up waddled Jogglebury, puffing and wheezing like a stranded
+grampus; the idea having just struck him that he might get off on the plea
+of not having room for the servant.</p>
+
+<p>'It's very unfortunate (wheeze)&mdash;that's to say, it never occurred to me
+(puff), but I quite forgot (gasp) that we haven't (wheeze) room for your
+(puff) servant.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, you are a good fellow,' replied Mr. Sponge&mdash;'a devilish good fellow. I
+was just telling Mrs. Jogglebury&mdash;wasn't I, Mrs. Jogglebury?&mdash;what an
+excellent fellow you are, and how kind you'd been about the horses and
+corn, and all that sort of thing, when it occurred to me that it mightn't
+be convenient, p'raps to put up a servant; but your wife assures me that it
+will; so that settles the matter, you know&mdash;that settles the matter and
+I'll now send for the horses forthwith.'</p>
+
+<p>Jog was utterly disconcerted, and didn't know which way to turn for an
+excuse. Mrs. Jogglebury, though she would rather have been without the
+establishment, did not like to peril Gustavus James's prospects by
+appearing displeased; so she smilingly said she would see and do what they
+could.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then procured a messenger to take a note to Hanby House, for Mr.
+Leather, and having written it, amused himself for a time with his cigars
+and his <i>Mogg</i> in his bedroom, and then turned out to see the stable got
+ready, and pick up any information about the hounds, or anything else, from
+anybody he could lay hold of. As luck would have it, he fell in with a
+groom travelling a horse to hunt with Sir Harry Scattercash's hounds,
+which, he said, met at Snobston Green, some eight or nine miles off, the
+next day, and whither Mr. Sponge decided on going.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jogglebury's equanimity returning at dinner time, Mr. Sponge was
+persuasive enough to induce him to accompany him, and it was finally
+arranged that Leather should go on with the horses, and Jog should drive
+Sponge to cover in the phe-<i>a</i>-ton.</p><p><a name="Page_404" id="Page_404"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLVII" id="CHAPTER_XLVII"></a>CHAPTER XLVII</h2>
+
+<h3>A FAMILY BREAKFAST ON A HUNTING MORNING</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 196px;">
+<img src="images/image404.jpg" width="196" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a good deal disconcerted at Gustavus James's
+irreverence to his intended god-papa, and did her best, both by promises
+and entreaties, to bring him to a more becoming state of mind. She promised
+him abundance of good things if he would astonish Mr. Sponge with some of
+his wonderful stories, and expatiated on Mr. Sponge's goodness in bringing
+him the nice comfits, though Mrs. Jogglebury could not but in her heart
+blame them for some little internal inconvenience the wonder had
+experienced during the night. However, she brought him to breakfast in
+pretty good form, where he was cocked up in his high chair beside his
+mamma, the rest of the infantry occupying the position of the previous day,
+all under good-behaviour orders.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately, Mr. Sponge, not having been able to get himself up to his
+satisfaction, was late in coming down; and when he did make his appearance,
+the unusual sight of a man in a red coat, a green tie, a blue vest, brown
+boots, &amp;c., completely upset their propriety, and deranged the order of the
+young gentleman's performance. Mr. Sponge, too, conscious that he was late,
+was more eager for his breakfast than anxious to be astonished; so, what
+with repressing the demands of the youngster, watching that the others did
+not break loose, and getting Jog and Mr. Sponge what they wanted, Mrs.
+Crowdey had her hands full. At last, having got them set a-going, she took
+a lump of sugar out of the<a name="Page_405" id="Page_405"></a> basin, and showing it to the wonder, laid it
+beside her plate, whispering 'Now, my beauty!' into his ear, as she
+adjusted him in his chair. The child, who had been wound up like a musical
+snuff-box, then went off as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Bah, bah, back sheep, have 'ou any 'ool?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ess, marry, have I, three bags full;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Un for ye master, un for ye dame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Un for ye 'ittle boy 'ot 'uns about ye 'are.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>But unfortunately, Mr. Sponge was busy with his breakfast, and the prodigy
+wasted his sweetness on the desert air.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury, who had sat listening in ecstasies, saw the offended eye
+and pouting lip of the boy, and attempted to make up with exclamations of
+'That <i>is</i> a clever fellow! That <i>is</i> a wonder!' at the same time showing
+him the sugar.</p>
+
+<p>'A little more (puff) tea, my (wheeze) dear,' said Jogglebury, thrusting
+his great cup up the table.</p>
+
+<p>'Hush! Jog, hush!' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, holding up her forefinger, and
+looking significantly first at him, and then at the urchin.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, "Obin and Ichard," my darling,' continued she, addressing herself
+coaxingly to Gustavus James.</p>
+
+<p>'No, <i>not</i> "Obin and Ichard,"' replied the child peevishly.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, my darling, <i>do</i>, that's a treasure.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, <i>my</i> (puff) darling, give me some (wheeze) tea,' interposed
+Jogglebury, knocking with his knuckles on the table.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh dear. Jog, you and your tea!&mdash;you're always wanting tea,' replied Mrs.
+Jogglebury snappishly.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you forget that Mr. (wheeze) Sponge and I have
+to be at (puff) Snobston Green at a (wheeze) quarter to eleven, and it's
+good twelve (gasp) miles off.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but it'll not take you long to get there,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury;
+'will it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she, again appealing to our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Sure I don't know,' replied Sponge, eating away; 'Mr. Crowdey finds
+conveyance&mdash;I only find company.'</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey then prepared to pour her <a name="Page_406" id="Page_406"></a>husband out another cup
+of tea, and the musical snuff-box, being now left to itself, went off of
+its own accord with:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Diddle, diddle, doubt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My candle's out.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My 'ittle dame's not at 'ome&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So saddle my hog, and bridle my dog'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bring my 'ittle dame 'ome.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>A poem that in the original programme was intended to come in after 'Obin
+and Ichard,' which was to be the <i>chef-d'&#339;uvre</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jog was delighted, and found herself pouring the tea into the
+sugar-basin instead of into Jog's cup.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, too, applauded. 'Well, that <i>was</i> very clever,' said he,
+filling his mouth with cold ham.</p>
+
+<p>'"Saddle my dog, and bridle my hog"&mdash;I'll trouble you for another cup of
+tea,' addressing Mrs. Crowdey.</p>
+
+<p>'No, not "saddle my dog," sil-l-e-y man!' drawled the child, making a pet
+lip: '"saddle my <i>hog</i>."'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! "saddle my hog," was it?' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise;
+'I thought it was "saddle my dog." I'll trouble you for the sugar, Mrs.
+Jogglebury'; adding, 'you have devilish good cream here; how many cows have
+you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Cows (puff), cows (wheeze)?' replied Jogglebury; 'how many cows?' repeated
+he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, <i>two</i>,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury tartly, vexed at the interruption.</p>
+
+<p>'Pardon me (puff),' replied Jogglebury slowly and solemnly, with a full
+blow into his frill; 'pardon me, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,
+but there are <i>three</i> (wheeze).'</p>
+
+<p>'Not in milk. Jog&mdash;not in milk,' retorted Mrs. Crowdey.</p>
+
+<p>'Three cows, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey, notwithstanding,'
+rejoined our host.</p>
+
+<p>'Well; but when people talk of cream, and ask how many cows you have, they
+mean in milk, <i>Mister</i> Jogglebury Crowdey.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not necessarily. Mistress Jogglebury Crowdey,' replied the pertinacious
+Jog, with another heavy snort. <a name="Page_407" id="Page_407"></a>'Ah, now you're coming your fine poor-law
+guardian knowledge,' rejoined his wife. Jog was chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Union.</p>
+
+<p>While this was going on, young hopeful was sitting cocked up in his high
+chair, evidently mortified at the want of attention.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Crowdey saw how things were going, and turning from the cow question,
+endeavoured to re-engage him in his recitations.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, my angel!' exclaimed she, again showing him the sugar; 'tell us about
+"Obin and Ichard."'</p>
+
+<p>'No&mdash;not "Obin and Ichard,"' pouted the child.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes, my sweet, <i>do</i>, that's a good child; the gentleman in the pretty
+coat, who gives baby the nice things, wants to hear it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Come, out with it, young man!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, now putting a large
+piece of cold beef into his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>'Not a 'ung man,' muttered the child, bursting out a-crying, and extending
+his little fat arms to his mamma.</p>
+
+<p>'No, my angel, not a 'ung man yet,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, taking him out
+of the chair, and hugging him to her bosom.</p>
+
+<p>'He'll be a man before his mother for all that,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+nothing disconcerted by the noise.</p>
+
+<p>Jog had now finished his breakfast, and having pocketed three buns and two
+pieces of toast, with a thick layer of cold ham between them, looked at his
+great warming-pan of a watch, and said to his guest, 'When you're (wheeze),
+I'm (puff).' So saying he got up, and gave his great legs one or two
+convulsive shakes, as if to see that they were on.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury looked reproachfully at him, as much as to say, 'How <i>can</i>
+you behave so?'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, as he eyed Jog's ill-made, queerly put on garments, wished that
+he had not desired Leather to go to the meet. It would have been better to
+have got the horses a little way off, and have shirked Jog, who did not
+look like a desirable introducer to a hunting field.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll be with you directly,' replied Mr. Sponge, gulping <a name="Page_408" id="Page_408"></a>down the remains
+of his tea; adding, 'I've just got to run upstairs and get a cigar.' So
+saying, he jumped up and disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>Murry Ann, not approving of Sponge's smoking in his bedroom, had hid the
+cigar-case under the toilet cover, at the back of the glass, and it was
+some time before he found it.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury availed herself of the lapse of time, and his absence, to
+pacify her young Turk, and try to coax him into reciting the marvellous
+'Obin and Ichard.'</p>
+
+<p>As Mr. Sponge came clanking downstairs with the cigar-case in his hand, she
+met him (accidentally, of course) at the bottom, with the boy in her arms,
+and exclaimed, 'O Mr. Sponge, here's Gustavus James wants to tell you a
+little story.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge stopped&mdash;inwardly hoping that it would not be a long one.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, my darling,' said she, sticking the boy up straight to get him to
+begin.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, then!' exclaimed Mr. Crowdey, in the true Jehu-like style, from the
+vehicle at the door, in which he had composed himself.</p>
+
+<p>'Coming, Jog! coming!' replied Mrs. Crowdey, with a frown on her brow at
+the untimely interruption; then appealing again to the child, who was
+nestling in his mother's bosom, as if disinclined to show off, she said,
+'Now, my darling, let the gentleman hear how nicely you'll say it.'</p>
+
+<p>The child still slunk.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a fine fellow, out with it!' said Mr. Sponge, taking up his hat to
+be off.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, then!' exclaimed his host again.</p>
+
+<p>'Coming!' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>As if to thwart him, the child then began, Mrs. Jogglebury holding up her
+forefinger as well in admiration as to keep silence:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Obin and Ichard, two pretty men,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lay in bed till 'e clock struck ten;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Up starts Obin, and looks at the sky&mdash;'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And then the brat stopped.</p><p><a name="Page_409" id="Page_409"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Very beautiful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'very beautiful! One of Moore's,
+isn't it? Thank you, my little dear, thank you,' added he, chucking him
+under the chin, and putting on his hat to be off.</p>
+
+<p>'O, but stop, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, 'you haven't heard it
+all&mdash;there's more yet.'</p>
+
+<p>Then turning to the child, she thus attempted to give him the cue.</p>
+
+<p>'O, ho! bother&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Now, then! time's hup!' again shouted Jogglebury into the passage.</p>
+
+<p>'O dear, Mr. Jogglebury, will you hold your stoopid tongue!' exclaimed she,
+adding, 'you certainly are the most tiresome man under the sun.' She then
+turned to the child with:</p>
+
+<p>'O ho! bother Ichard' again.</p>
+
+<p>But the child was mute, and Mr. Sponge fearing, from some indistinct
+growling that proceeded from the carriage, that a storm was brewing,
+endeavoured to cut short the entertainment by exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>'Wonderful two-year-old! Pity he's not in the Darby. Dare say he'll tell me
+the rest when I come back.'</p>
+
+<p>But this only added fuel to the fire of Mrs. Jogglebury's ardour, and made
+her more anxious that Sponge should not lose a word of it. Accordingly she
+gave the fat dumpling another jerk up on her arm, and repeated:</p>
+
+<p>'O ho! bother Ichard, the&mdash;What's very high?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+coaxingly.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Sun's very high,'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>replied the child.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, my darling!' exclaimed the delighted mamma. Mrs. Jogglebury then
+proceeded with:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6">'Ou go before&mdash;'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Child</span>.&mdash;'With bottle and bag,'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Mamma</span>.&mdash;'And I'll follow after&mdash;'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Child</span>.&mdash;'With 'ittle Jack Nag.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Well now, that <i>is</i> wonderful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, hurrying on his
+dog-skin gloves, and wishing both Obin and Ichard farther.</p>
+
+<p>'Isn't it!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, in ecstasies; <a name="Page_410" id="Page_410"></a>then addressing the
+child, she said, 'Now that <i>is</i> a good boy&mdash;that <i>is</i> a fine fellow. Now
+couldn't he say it all over by himself, doesn't he think?' Mrs. Jogglebury
+looking at Sponge, as if she was meditating the richest possible treat for
+him.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh,' replied Mr. Sponge, quite tired of the detention, 'he'll tell me it
+when I return&mdash;he'll tell me it when I return,' at the same time giving the
+child another parting chuck under the chin. But the child was not to be put
+off in that way, and instead of crouching, and nestling, and hiding its
+face, it looked up quite boldly, and after a little hesitation went through
+'Obin and Ichard,' to the delight of Mrs. Jogglebury, the mortification of
+Sponge, and the growling denunciations of old Jog, who still kept his place
+in the vehicle. Mr. Sponge could not but stay the poem out.</p>
+
+<p>At last they got started, Jog driving. Sponge occupying the low seat, Jog's
+flail and Sponge's cane whip-stick stuck in the straps of the apron. Jog
+was very crusty at first, and did little but whip and flog the old horse,
+and puff and growl about being late, keeping people waiting, over-driving
+the horse, and so on.</p>
+
+<p>'Have a cigar?' at last asked Sponge, opening the well-filled case, and
+tendering that olive branch to his companion.</p>
+
+<p>'Cigar (wheeze), cigar (puff)?' replied Jog, eyeing the case; 'why, no,
+p'raps not, I think (wheeze), thank'e.'</p>
+
+<p>'Do you never smoke?' asked Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'(Puff&mdash;wheeze) Not often,' replied Jogglebury, looking about him with an
+air of indifference. He did not like to say no, because Springwheat smoked,
+though Mrs. Springey highly disapproved of it.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll find them very mild,' observed Sponge, taking one out for himself,
+and again tendering the case to his friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Mild (wheeze), mild (puff), are they?' said Jog, thinking he would try
+one.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then struck a light, and, getting his own cigar well under way,
+lit one for his friend, and presented it to him. They then went puffing,
+and whipping, and smoking in silence. Jog spoke first. <a name="Page_411" id="Page_411"></a>'I'm going to be
+(puff) sick,' observed he, slowly and solemnly.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope not,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a hearty whiff, up into the air.</p>
+
+<p>'I <i>am</i> going to be (puff) sick,' observed Jog, after another pause.</p>
+
+<p>'Be sick on your own side, then,' replied Sponge, with another hearty
+whiff.</p>
+
+<p>'By the (puff) powers! I <i>am</i> (puff) sick!' exclaimed Jogglebury, after
+another pause, and throwing away the cigar. 'Oh, dear!' exclaimed he, 'you
+shouldn't have given me that nasty (puff) thing.'</p>
+
+<p>'My dear fellow, I didn't know it would make you sick,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but (puff) if they (wheeze) other people sick, in all (puff)
+probability they'll (wheeze) me. There!' exclaimed he, pulling up again.</p>
+
+<p>The delays occasioned by these catastrophes, together with the time lost by
+'Obin and Ichard,' threw our sportsmen out considerably. When they reached
+Chalkerley Gate it wanted ten minutes to eleven, and they had still three
+miles to go.</p>
+
+<p>'We shall be late,' observed Sponge inwardly denouncing 'Obin and Ichard.'</p>
+
+<p>'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Jog, adding, with a puff into his frill,
+'consequences of making me sick, you see.'</p>
+
+<p>'My dear fellow, if you don't know your own stomach by this time, you did
+ought to do,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I (puff) flatter myself I <i>do</i> (wheeze) my own stomach,' replied
+Jogglebury tartly.</p>
+
+<p>They then rumbled on for some time in silence.</p>
+
+<p>When they came within sight of Snobston Green, the coast was clear. Not a
+red coat, or hunting indication of any sort, was to be seen.</p>
+
+<p>'I told you so (puff)!' growled Jog, blowing full into his frill, and
+pulling up short.</p>
+
+<p>'They be gone to Hackberry Dean,' said an old man, breaking stones by the
+roadside.</p>
+
+<p>'Hackberry Dean (puff)&mdash;Hackberry Dean (wheeze)!' replied Jog thoughtfully;
+'then we must (puff) by Tollarton Mill, and through the (wheeze) village to
+Stewley?' <a name="Page_412" id="Page_412"></a>'Y-e-a-z,' drawled the man.</p>
+
+<p>Jog then drove on a few paces, and turned up a lane to the left, whose
+finger-post directed the road 'to Tollarton.' He seemed less disconcerted
+than Sponge, who kept inwardly anathematizing, not only 'Obin and Ichard,'
+but 'Diddle, diddle, doubt'&mdash;'Bah, bah, black sheep'&mdash;the whole tribe of
+nursery ballads, in short.</p>
+
+<p>The fact was, Jog wanted to be into Hackberry Dean, which was full of fine,
+straight hollies, fit either for gibbeys or whip-sticks, and the hounds
+being there gave him the entr&eacute;e. It was for helping himself there, without
+this excuse, that he had been 'county-courted,' and he did not care to
+renew his acquaintance with the judge. He now whipped and jagged the old
+nag, as if intent on catching the hounds. Mr. Sponge liberated his whip
+from the apron-straps, and lent a hand when Jog began to flag. So they
+rattled and jingled away at an amended pace. Still it seemed to Mr. Sponge
+as if they would never get there. Having passed through Tollarton, and
+cleared the village of Stewley, Mr. Sponge strained his eyes in every
+direction where there was a bit of wood, in hopes of seeing something of
+the hounds. Meanwhile Jog was shuffling his little axe from below the
+cushion of the driving-seat into the pocket of his great-coat. All of a
+sudden he pulled up, as they were passing a bank of wood (Hackberry Dean),
+and handing the reins to his companion, said:</p>
+
+<p>'Just lay hold for a minute whilst I (puff) out.'</p>
+
+<p>'What's happened?' asked Sponge. 'Not sick again, are you?'</p>
+
+<p>'No (puff), not exactly (wheeze) sick, but I want to be out all the (puff)
+same.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, out he bundled, and, crushing through the fern-grown woodbiney
+fence, darted into the wood in a way that astonished our hero. Presently
+the chop, chop, chop of the axe revealed the mystery.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, the fool's at his sticks!' exclaimed Sponge, disgusted at
+the contretemps. 'Mister Jogglebury!' roared he, 'Mister Jogglebury, we
+shall never catch up the hounds at this rate!'</p><p><a name="Page_413" id="Page_413"></a></p>
+
+<p>But Jog was deaf&mdash;chop, chop, chop was all the answer Mr. Sponge got.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, hang me if ever I saw such a fellow!' continued Sponge, thinking he
+would drive on if he only knew the way.</p>
+
+<p>'Chop, chop, chop,' continued the axe.</p>
+
+<p>'Mister Jogglebury! Mister Jogglebury Crowdey <i>a-hooi</i>!' roared Sponge, at
+the top of his voice.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 265px;">
+<img src="images/image413.jpg" width="265" height="300" alt="MR. JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY ON HIS HOBBY" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY ON HIS HOBBY</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The axe stopped. 'Anybody comin'?' resounded from the wood.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>You come</i>,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Presently,' was the answer; and the chop, chop, chopping was resumed.</p>
+
+<p>'The man's mad,' muttered Mr. Sponge, throwing himself back in the seat.
+<a name="Page_414" id="Page_414"></a>At length Jog appeared brushing and tearing his way out of the wood, with
+two fine hollies under his arm. He was running down with perspiration, and
+looked anxiously up and down the road as he blundered through the fence to
+see if there was any one coming.</p>
+
+<p>'I really think (puff) this will make a four-in-hander (wheeze),' exclaimed
+he, as he advanced towards the carriage, holding a holly so as to show its
+full length&mdash;'not that I (puff, wheeze, gasp) do much in that (puff,
+wheeze) line, but really it is such a (puff, wheeze) beauty that I couldn't
+(puff, wheeze, gasp) resist it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I thought we were going to hunt,' observed Mr. Sponge dryly.</p>
+
+<p>'Hunt (puff)! so we are (wheeze); but there are no hounds (gasp). My good
+(puff) man,' continued he, addressing a smock-frocked countryman, who now
+came up, 'have you seen anything of the (wheeze) hounds?'</p>
+
+<p>'E-e-s,' replied the man. 'They be gone to Brookdale Plantin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then we'd better (puff) after them,' said Jog, running the stick through
+the apron-straps, and bundling into the phaeton with the long one in his
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>Away they rattled and jingled as before.</p>
+
+<p>'How far is it?' asked Mr. Sponge, vexed at the detention.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh (puff), close by (wheeze),' replied Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Close by,' as most of our sporting readers well know to their cost, is
+generally anything but close by. Nor was Jog's close by, close by on this
+occasion.</p>
+
+<p>'There,' said Jog, after they had got crawled up Trampington Hill; 'that's
+it (puff) to the right, by the (wheeze) water there,' pointing to a
+plantation about a mile off, with a pond shining at the end.</p>
+
+<p>Just as Mr. Sponge caught view of the water, the twang of a horn was heard,
+and the hounds came pouring, full cry, out of cover, followed by about
+twenty variously clad horsemen, and our friend had the satisfaction of
+seeing them run clean out of sight, over as fine a country as ever was
+crossed. Worst of all, he thought he saw Leather pounding away on the
+chestnut.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_415" id="Page_415"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLVIII" id="CHAPTER_XLVIII"></a>CHAPTER XLVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>HUNTING THE HOUNDS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Tramptinton Hill, whose summit they had just reached as the hounds broke
+cover, commanded an extensive view over the adjoining vale, and, as Mr.
+Sponge sat shading his eyes with his hands from a bright wintry sun, he
+thought he saw them come to a check, and afterwards bend to the left.</p>
+
+<p>'I really think,' said he, addressing his still perspiring companion, 'that
+if you were to make for that road on the left' (pointing one out as seen
+between the low hedge-rows in the distance), 'we might catch them up yet.'</p>
+
+<p>'Left (puff), left (wheeze)?' replied Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, staring about
+with anything but the quickness that marked his movements when he dived
+into Hackberry Dean.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't you see,' asked Sponge tartly, 'there's a road by the corn-stacks
+yonder?' Pointing them out.</p>
+
+<p>'I see,' replied Jogglebury, blowing freely into his shirt-frill. 'I see,'
+repeated he, staring that way; 'but I think (puff) that's a mere (wheeze)
+occupation road, leading to (gasp) nowhere.'</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind, let's try!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, giving the rein a jerk, to
+get the horse into motion again; adding, 'it's no use sitting here, you
+know, like a couple of fools, when the hounds are running.'</p>
+
+<p>'Couple of (puff)!' growled Jog, not liking the appellation, and wishing to
+be home with the long holly. 'I don't see anything (wheeze) foolish in the
+(puff) business.'</p>
+
+<p>'There they are!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who had kept his eye on the spot he
+last viewed them, and now saw the horsemen titt-up-ing across a grass field
+in the easy way that distance makes very uneasy riding look. 'Cut along!'
+exclaimed he, laying into the horse's hind-quarters with his hunting-whip.</p><p><a name="Page_416" id="Page_416"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Don't! the horse is (puff) tired,' retorted Jog angrily, holding the
+horse, instead of letting him go to Sponge's salute.</p>
+
+<p>'Not a bit on't!' exclaimed Sponge; 'fresh as paint! Spring him a bit,
+that's a good fellow!' added he.</p>
+
+<p>Jog didn't fancy being dictated to in this way, and just crawled along at
+his own pace, some six miles an hour, his dull phlegmatic face contrasting
+with the eager excitement of Mr. Sponge's countenance. If it had not been
+that Jog wanted to see that Leather did not play any tricks with his horse,
+he would not have gone a yard to please Mr. Sponge. Jog might, however,
+have been easy on that score, for Leather had just buckled the curb-rein of
+the horse's bridle round a tree in the plantations where they found, and
+the animal, being used to this sort of work, had fallen-to quite
+contentedly upon the grass within reach.</p>
+
+<p>Bilkington Pike now appeared in view, and Jog drew in as he spied it. He
+knew the damage: sixpence for carriages, and he doubted that Sponge would
+pay it.</p>
+
+<p>'It's no use going any (wheeze) farther,' observed he, drawing up into a
+walk, as he eyed the red-brick gable end of the toll-house, and the
+formidable white gate across the road.</p>
+
+<p>Tom Coppers had heard the hounds, and, knowing the hurry sportsmen are
+often in, had taken the precaution to lock the gate.</p>
+
+<p>'Just a <i>leetle</i> farther!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge soothingly, whose anxiety
+in looking after the hounds had prevented his seeing this formidable
+impediment. 'If you would just drive up to that farmhouse on the hill,'
+pointing to one about half a mile off, 'I think we should be able to decide
+whether it's worth going on or not.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well (puff), well (wheeze), well (gasp),' pondered Jogglebury, still
+staring at the gate, 'if you (puff) think it's worth (wheeze) while going
+through the (gasp) gate,' nodding towards it as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, never mind the gate,' replied Mr. Sponge, with an ostentatious dive
+into his breeches pocket, as if he was going to pay it.</p>
+
+<p>He kept his hand in his pocket till he came close <a name="Page_417" id="Page_417"></a>up to the gate, when,
+suddenly drawing it out, he said:</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, hang it! I've left my purse at home! Never mind, drive on,' said he to
+his host; exclaiming to the man, 'it's Mr. Crowdey's carriage&mdash;Mr.
+Jogglebury Crowdey's carriage! Mr. Crowdey, the chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Poor-Law Union!'</p>
+
+<p>'Sixpence!' shouted the man, following the phaeton with outstretched hand.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord, hang it (puff)! I could have done that (wheeze),' growled
+Jogglebury, pulling up.</p>
+
+<p>'You harn't got no ticket,' said Coppers, coming up, 'and ain't a-goin' to
+not never no meetin' o' trustees, are you?' asked he, seeing the importance
+of the person with whom he had to deal;&mdash;a trustee of that and other roads,
+and one who always availed himself of his privilege of going to the
+meetings toll-free.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Jog, pompously handing Sponge the whip and reins.</p>
+
+<p>He then rose deliberately from his seat, and slowly unbuttoned each
+particular button of the brown great-coat he had over the tight black
+hunting one. He then unbuttoned the black, and next the right-hand pocket
+of the white moleskins, in which he carried his money. He then deliberately
+fished up his green-and-gold purse, a souvenir of Miss Smiler (the
+plaintiff in the breach-of-promise action, Smiler <i>v.</i> Jogglebury), and
+holding it with both hands before his eyes, to see which end contained the
+silver, he slowly drew the slide, and took out a shilling, though there
+were plenty of sixpences in.</p>
+
+<p>This gave the man an errand into the toll-house to get one, and, by way of
+marking his attention, when he returned he said, in the negative way that
+country people put a question:</p>
+
+<p>'You'll not need a ticket, will you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Ticket (puff), ticket (wheeze)?' repeated Jog thoughtfully. 'Yes, I'll
+take a ticket,' said he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! hang it, no,' replied Sponge; 'let's get on!' stamping against the
+bottom of the phaeton to set the horse a-going. <a name="Page_418" id="Page_418"></a>'Costs nothin',' observed
+Jog drily, drawing the reins, as the man again returned to the gate-house.</p>
+
+<p>A considerable delay then took place; first, Pikey had to find his glasses,
+as he called his spectacles, to look out a one-horse-chaise ticket. Then he
+had to look out the tickets, when he found he had all sorts except a
+one-horse-chaise one ready&mdash;waggons, hearses, mourning-coaches,
+saddle-horses, chaises and pair, mules, asses, every sort but the one that
+was wanted. Well, then he had to fill one up, and to do this he had, first,
+to find the ink-horn, and then a pen that would 'mark,' so that,
+altogether, a delay took place that would have been peculiarly edifying to
+a Kennington Common or Lambeth gate-keeper to witness.</p>
+
+<p>But it was not all over yet. Having got the ticket Jog examined it
+minutely, to see that it was all right, then held it to his nose to smell
+it, and ultimately drew the purse slide, and deposited it among the
+sovereigns. He then restored that expensive trophy to his pocket, shook his
+leg, to send it down, then buttoned the pocket, and took the tight black
+coat with both hands and dragged it across his chest, so as to get his
+stomach in. He then gasped and held his breath, making himself as small as
+possible, while he coaxed the buttons into the holes; and that difficult
+process being at length accomplished, he stood still awhile to take breath
+after the exertion. Then he began to rebutton the easy, brown great-coat,
+going deliberately up the whole series, from the small button below, to
+keep the laps together, up to the one on the neck, or where the neck would
+have been if Jog had not been all stomach up to the chin. He then soused
+himself into his seat, and, snorting heavily through his nostrils, took the
+reins and whip and long holly from Mr. Sponge, and drove leisurely on.
+Sponge sat anathematizing his slowness.</p>
+
+<p>When they reached the farmhouse on the hill the hounds were fairly in view.
+The huntsman was casting them, and the horsemen were grouped about as
+usual, while the laggers were stealing quietly up the lanes and by-roads,
+thinking nobody would see them. Save the whites or the greys, our friends
+in the 'chay' were not <a name="Page_419" id="Page_419"></a>sufficiently near to descry the colours of the
+horses; but Mr. Sponge could not help thinking that he recognized the
+outline of the wicked chestnut, Multum in Parvo.</p>
+
+<p>'By the powers, but if it is him,' muttered he to himself, clenching his
+fist and grinding his teeth as he spoke, 'but I'll&mdash;I'll&mdash;I'll make <i>sich</i>
+an example of you,' meaning of Leather.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge could not exactly say what he would do, for it was by no means a
+settled point whether Leather or he were master. But to the hounds. If it
+had not been for Mr. Sponge's shabbiness at the turnpike gate, we really
+believe he might now have caught them up, for the road to them was down
+hill all the way, and the impetus of the vehicle would have sent the old
+screw along. That delay, however, was fatal. Before they had gone a quarter
+of the distance the hounds suddenly struck the scent at a hedge-row, and,
+with heads up and sterns down, went straight away at a pace that
+annihilated all hope. They were out of sight in a minute. It was clearly a
+case of kill.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, there's a go!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, folding his arms, and throwing
+himself back in the phaeton in disgust. 'I think I never saw such a mess as
+we've made this morning.'</p>
+
+<p>And he looked at the stick in the apron, and the long holly between Jog's
+legs, and longed to lay them about his great back.</p>
+
+<p>'Well (puff), I s'pose (wheeze) we may as well (puff) home now?' observed
+Jog, looking about him quite unconcernedly.</p>
+
+<p>'I think so,' snapped Sponge, adding, 'we've done it for once, at all
+events.'</p>
+
+<p>The observation, however, was lost upon Jog, whose mind was occupied with
+thinking how to get the phaeton round without upsetting. The road was
+narrow at best, and the newly laid stone-heaps had encroached upon its
+bounds. He first tried to back between two stone-heaps, but only succeeded
+in running a wheel into one; he then tried the forward tack, with no better
+success, till Mr. Sponge seeing matters were getting worse, just jumped
+out, and taking the old horse by the head, <a name="Page_420" id="Page_420"></a>executed the man&#339;uvre that
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey first attempted. They then commenced retracing their
+steps, rather a long trail, even for people in an amiable mood, but a
+terribly long one for disagreeing ones.</p>
+
+<p>Jog, to be sure, was pretty comfortable. He had got all he wanted&mdash;all he
+went out a-hunting for; and as he hissed and jerked the old horse along, he
+kept casting an eye at the contents of the apron, thinking what crowned, or
+great man's head, the now rough, club-headed knobs should be fashioned to
+represent; and indulged in speculations as to their prospective worth and
+possible destination. He had not the slightest doubt that a thousand sticks
+to each of his children would be as good as a couple of thousand pounds
+a-piece; sometimes he thought more, but never less. Mr. Sponge, on the
+other hand, brooded over the loss of the run; indulged in all sorts of
+speculations as to the splendour of the affair; pictured the figure he
+would have cut on the chestnut, and the price he might have got for him in
+the field. Then he thought of the bucketing Leather would give him; the way
+he would ram him at everything; how he would let him go with a slack rein
+in the deep&mdash;very likely making him over-reach&mdash;nay, there was no saying
+but he might stake him.</p>
+
+<p>Then he thought over all the misfortunes and mishaps of the day. The
+unpropitious toilet; the aggravation of 'Obin and Ichard'; the delay caused
+by Jog being sick with his cigar; the divergence into Hackberry Dean; and
+the long protracted wait at the toll-bar. Reviewing all the circumstances
+fairly and dispassionately, Mr. Sponge came to the determination of having
+nothing more to do with Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey in the hunting way. These,
+or similar cogitations and resolutions were, at length, interrupted by
+their arriving at home, as denoted by an outburst of children rushing from
+the lodge to receive them&mdash;Gustavus James, in his nurse's arms, bringing up
+the rear, to whom our friend could hardly raise the semblance of a smile.</p>
+
+<p>It was all that little brat! thought he.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_421" id="Page_421"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLIX" id="CHAPTER_XLIX"></a>CHAPTER XLIX</h2>
+
+<h3>COUNTRY QUARTERS</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 188px;">
+<img src="images/image421.jpg" width="188" height="200" alt="LADY SCATTERCASH" title="" />
+<span class="caption">LADY SCATTERCASH</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>ir Harry Scattercash's were only an ill-supported pack of hounds; they
+were not kept upon any fixed principles. We do not mean to say that they
+had not plenty to eat, but their management was only of the scrimmaging
+order. Sir Harry was what is technically called 'going it.' Like our noble
+friend, Lord Hard-up, now Earl of Scamperdale, he had worked through the
+morning of life without knowing what it was to be troubled with money; but,
+unlike his lordship, now that he had unexpectedly come into some, he seemed
+bent upon trying how fast he could get through it. In this laudable
+endeavour he was ably assisted by Lady Scattercash, late the lovely and
+elegant Miss Spangles, of the 'Theatre Royal, Sadler's Wells.' Sir Harry
+had married her before his windfall made him a baronet, having, at the
+time, some intention of trying his luck on the stage, but he always
+declared that he never regretted his choice; on the contrary, he said, if
+he had gone among the 'duchesses,' he could not have suited himself better.
+Lady Scattercash could ride&mdash;indeed, she used to do scenes in the circle
+(two horses and a flag)&mdash;and she could drive, and smoke, and sing, and was
+possessed of many other accomplishments. Sir Harry would sometimes drink
+straight on end for a week, and <a name="Page_422" id="Page_422"></a>then not taste wine again for a month;
+sometimes the hounds hunted, and sometimes they did not; sometimes they
+were advertized, and sometimes they were not; sometimes they went out on
+one day, and sometimes on another; sometimes they were fixed to be at such
+a place, and went to quite a different one. When Sir Harry was on a
+drinking-bout they were shut up altogether; and the huntsman, Tom Watchorn,
+late of the 'Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers,' an early
+acquaintance of Miss Spangles&mdash;indeed, some said he was her uncle&mdash;used to
+go away on a drinking excursion too. Altogether, they were what the country
+people called a very 'promiscuous set.' The hounds were of all sorts and
+sizes; the horses of no particular stamp; and the men scamps and vagabonds
+of the first class.</p>
+
+<p>With such a master and such an establishment, we need hardly say that no
+stranger ever came into the country for the purpose of hunting. Sir Harry's
+fields were entirely composed of his own choice 'set,' and a few farmers,
+and people whom he could abuse and do what he liked with. Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, to be sure, had mentioned Sir Harry approvingly, when he went to
+Mr. Puffington's, to inveigle Mr. Sponge over to Puddingpote Bower; but
+what might suit Mr. Jogglebury, who went out to seek gibbey sticks, might
+not suit a person who went out for the purpose of hunting a fox in order to
+show off and sell his horses. In fact, Puddingpote Bower was an exceedingly
+bad hunting quarter, as things turned out. Sir Harry Scattercash, having
+had the run described in our two preceding chapters, and having just
+imported a few of the 'sock-and-buskin' sort from town, was not likely to
+be going out again for a time; while Mr. Puffington, finding where Mr.
+Sponge had taken refuge, determined not to meet within reach of Puddingpote
+Bower, if he could possibly help it; and Lord Scamperdale was almost always
+beyond distance, unless horse and rider lay out over-night&mdash;a proceeding
+always deprecated by prudent sportsmen. Mr. Sponge, therefore, got more of
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's company than he wanted, and Mr. Crowdey got more
+of Mr. Sponge's than he <a name="Page_423" id="Page_423"></a>desired. In vain Jog took him up into his attics
+and his closets, and his various holes and corners, and showed him his
+enormous stock of sticks&mdash;some tied in sheaves, like corn; some put up more
+sparingly; and others, again, wrapped in silver paper, with their valuable
+heads enveloped in old gloves. Jog would untie the strings of these, and
+placing the heads in the most favourable position before our friend, just
+as an artist would a portrait, question him as to whom he thought they
+were.</p>
+
+<p>'There, now (puff),' said he, holding up one that he thought there could be
+no mistake about; 'who do you (wheeze) that is?'</p>
+
+<p>'Deaf Burke,' replied Mr. Sponge, after a stare.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Deaf Burke!</i> (puff),' replied Jog indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it, then?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Can't you see? (wheeze),' replied Jog tartly.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sponge, after another examination. 'It's not Scroggins, is
+it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Napoleon (puff) Bonaparte,' replied Jog, with great dignity, returning the
+head to the glove.</p>
+
+<p>He showed several others, with little better success, Mr. Sponge seeming
+rather to take a pleasure in finding ridiculous likenesses, instead of
+helping his host out in his conceits. The stick-mania was a failure, as far
+as Mr. Sponge was concerned. Neither were the peregrinations about the
+farms, or ter-ri-to-ry, as Jog called his estate, more successful; a man's
+estate, like his children, being seldom of much interest to any but
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>Jog and Sponge were soon most heartily sick of each other. Nor did Mrs.
+Jog's charms, nor the voluble enunciation of 'Obin and Ichard,' followed by
+'Bah, bah, black sheep,' &amp;c., from that wonderful boy, Gustavus James, mend
+matters; for the young rogue having been in Mr. Sponge's room while Murry
+Ann was doing it out, had torn the back off Sponge's <i>Mogg</i>, and made such
+a mess of his tooth-brush, by cleaning his shoes with it, as never was
+seen.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge soon began to think it was not worth while staying at
+Puddingpote Bower for the mere sake of his keep, seeing there was no
+hunting to be had from it, and it did not do to keep hack hunters idle,
+especially <a name="Page_424" id="Page_424"></a>in open weather. Leather and he, for once, were of the same
+opinion, and that worthy shook his head, and said Mr. Crowdey was 'awful
+mean,' at the same time pulling out a sample of bad ship oats, that he had
+got from a neighbouring ostler, to show the 'stuff' their 'osses' were a
+eatin' of. The fact was, Jog's beer was nothing like so strong as Mr.
+Puffington's; added to which, Mr. Crowdey carried the principles of the
+poor-law union into his own establishment, and dieted his servants upon
+certain rules. Sunday, roast beef, potatoes, and pudding under the meat;
+Monday, fried beef, and stick-jaw (as they profanely called a certain
+pudding); Wednesday, leg of mutton, and so on. The allowance of beer was a
+pint and a half per diem to Bartholomew, and a pint to each woman; and Mr.
+Crowdey used to observe from the head of the servants' dinner-table on the
+arrival of each cargo, 'Now this (puff) beer is to (wheeze) a month, and,
+if you choose to drink it in a (gasp) day, you'll go without any for the
+rest of the (wheeze) time'; an intimation that had a very favourable effect
+upon the tap. Mr. Leather, however, did not like it. 'Puffington's
+servants,' he said, 'had beer whenever they chose,' and he thought it
+'awful mean' restricting the quantity. Mr. Jog, however, was not to be
+moved. Thus time crawled heavily on.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Jog had a long confab one night on the expediency of getting
+rid of Mr. Sponge. Mrs. Jog wanted to keep him on till after the
+christening; while Jog combated her reasons by representing the
+improbability of its doing Gustavus James any good having him for a
+godpapa, seeing Sponge's age, and the probability of his marrying himself.
+Mrs. Jog, however, was very determined; rather too much so, indeed, for she
+awakened Jog's jealousy, who lay tossing and tumbling about all through the
+night.</p>
+
+<p>He was up very early, and as Mrs. Jog was falling into a comfortable nap,
+she was aroused by his well-known voice hallooing as loud as he could in
+the middle of the entrance-passage.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Bartholo</span>-<i>me-e-w!</i>' the last syllable being pronounced or
+prolonged like a mew of a cat. <a name="Page_425" id="Page_425"></a>'<span class="smcap">Bartholo</span>-<i>me-e-w!</i>' repeated he,
+not getting an answer to the first shout.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Murry Ann</span>!' shouted he, after another pause.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Murry Ann</span>!' exclaimed he, still louder.</p>
+
+<p>Just then, the iron latch of a door at the top of the house opened, and a
+female voice exclaimed hurriedly over the banisters:</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir! here, sir! comin' sir! comin'!'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Murry Ann (puff), that's (wheeze) you, is it?' asked Jog, still
+speaking at the top of his voice.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! then, Murry Ann, I wanted to (puff)&mdash;that you'd better get the (puff)
+breakfast ready early. I think Mr. (gasp)&mdash;Sponge will be (wheezing) away
+to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.</p>
+
+<p>All this was said in such a tone as could not fail to be heard all over the
+house; certainly into Mr. Sponge's room, which was midway between the
+speakers.</p>
+
+<p>What prevented Mr. Sponge wheezing away, will appear in the next chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_L" id="CHAPTER_L"></a>CHAPTER L</h2>
+
+<h3>SIR HARRY SCATTERCASH'S HOUNDS</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 156px;">
+<img src="images/image425.jpg" width="156" height="200" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>he reason Mr. Sponge did not take his departure, after the pretty
+intelligible hint given by his host, was that, as he was passing his
+shilling army razor over his soapy chin, he saw a stockingless lad, in a
+purply coat and faded hunting-cap, making his way up to the house, at a
+pace that betokened more than ordinary vagrancy. It was the kennel, stable,
+and servants' hall courier of Nonsuch House, come to say that Sir Harry
+hunted that day.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Mr. Leather knocked at Mr. Sponge's bedroom door, and, being
+invited in, announced the fact.</p><p><a name="Page_426" id="Page_426"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Sir 'Arry's 'ounds 'unt,' said he, twisting the door handle as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'What time?' asked Mr. Sponge, with his half-shaven face turned towards
+him.</p>
+
+<p>'Meet at eleven,' replied Leather.</p>
+
+<p>'Where?' inquired Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Nonsuch House, 'bout nine miles off.'</p>
+
+<p>It was thirteen, but Mr. Leather heard the malt liquor was good and wanted
+to taste it.</p>
+
+<p>'Take on the brown, then,' said Mr. Sponge, quite pompously;' and tell
+Bartholomew to have the hack at the door at ten&mdash;or say a quarter to. Tell
+him, I'll lick him for every minute he's late; and, mind, don't let old
+Rory O'More here know,' meaning our friend Jog, 'or he may take a fancy to
+go, and we shall never get there,' alluding to their former excursion.</p>
+
+<p>'No, no,' replied Mr. Leather, leaving the room.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then arrayed himself in his hunting costume&mdash;scarlet coat, green
+tie, blue vest, gosling-coloured cords, and brown tops; and was greeted
+with a round of applause from the little Jogs as he entered the
+breakfast-room. Gustavus James would handle him; and, considering that his
+paws were all over raspberry jam, our friend would as soon have dispensed
+with his attentions. Mrs. Jog was all smiles, and Jog all scowls.</p>
+
+<p>A little after ten our friend, cigar in mouth, was in the saddle. Mrs. Jog,
+with Gustavus James in her arms, and all the children clustering about,
+stood in the passage to see him start, and watch the capers and caprioles
+of the piebald, as he ambled down the avenue.</p>
+
+<p>'Nine miles&mdash;nine miles,' muttered Mr. Sponge to himself, as he passed
+through the Lodge and turned up the Quarryburn road; 'do it in an hour well
+enough,' said he, sticking spurs into the hack, and cantering away.</p>
+
+<p>Having kept this pace up for about five miles, till he thought from the
+view he had taken of the map it was about time to be turning, he hailed a
+blacksmith in his shop, who, next to saddlers, are generally the most
+intelligent people about hounds, and asked how far it was to Sir Harry's?</p>
+
+<p>'Eight miles,' replied the man, in a minute. <a name="Page_427" id="Page_427"></a>'Impossible!' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge. 'It was only nine at starting, and I've come I don't know how
+many.'</p>
+
+<p>The next person Mr. Sponge met told him it was ten miles; the third, after
+asking him where he had come from, said he was a stranger in the country,
+and had never heard of the place; and, what with Mr. Leather's original
+mis-statement, misdirections from other people, and mistakes of his own, it
+was more good luck than good management that got Mr. Sponge to Nonsuch
+House in time.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 258px;">
+<img src="images/image427.jpg" width="258" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE STARTING FROM THE BOWER" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE STARTING FROM THE BOWER</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The fact was, the whole hunt was knocked up in a hurry. Sir Harry, and the
+choice spirits by whom he was surrounded, had not finished celebrating the
+triumphs of the Snobston Green day, and as it was not <a name="Page_428" id="Page_428"></a>likely that the
+hounds would be out again soon, the people of the hunting establishment
+were taking their ease. Watchorn had gone to be entertained at a public
+supper, given by the poachers and fox-stealers of the village of Bark-shot,
+as a 'mark of respect for his abilities as a sportsman and his integrity as
+a man,' meaning his indifference to his master's interests; while the
+first-whip had gone to visit his aunt, and the groom was away negotiating
+the exchange of a cow. With things in this state, Wily Tom of Tinklerhatch,
+a noted fox-stealer in Lord Scamperdale's country, had arrived with a great
+thundering dog fox, stolen from his lordship's cover near the cross roads
+at Dallington Burn, which being communicated to our friends about midnight
+in the smoking-room at Nonsuch House, it was resolved to hunt him
+forthwith, especially as one of the guests, Mr. Orlando Bugles, of the
+Surrey Theatre, was obliged to return to town immediately, and, as he
+sometimes enacted the part of Squire Tallyho, it was thought a little of
+the reality might correct the Tom and Jerry style in which he did it.
+Accordingly, orders were issued for a hunt, notwithstanding the hounds were
+fed and the horses watered. Sir Harry didn't 'care a rap; let them go as
+fast as they could.'</p>
+
+<p>All these circumstances conspired to make them late; added to which, when
+Watchorn, the huntsman, cast up, which he did on a higgler's horse, he
+found the only sound one in his stud had gone to the neighbouring town to
+get some fiddlers&mdash;her ladyship having determined to compliment Mr. Bugles'
+visit by a quadrille party. Bugles and she were old friends. When Mr.
+Sponge cast up at half-past eleven, things were still behind-hand.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Harry and party had had a wet night of it, and were all more or less
+drunk. They had kept up the excitement with a champagne breakfast and
+various liqueurs, to say nothing of cigars. They were a sad
+debauched-looking set, some of them scarcely out of their teens, with
+pallid cheeks, trembling hands, sunken eyes, and all the symptoms of
+premature decay. Others&mdash;the sock-and-buskin ones&mdash;were a made-up, wigged,
+and padded set. Bugles was resplendent. He had on a <a name="Page_429" id="Page_429"></a>dress scarlet coat,
+lined and faced with yellow satin (one of the properties, we believe, of
+the Victoria), a beautifully worked pink shirt-front, a pitch-plaster
+coloured waistcoat, white ducks, and jack-boots, with brass heel spurs. He
+carried his whip in the arm's-length-way of a circus master following a
+horse. Some dozen of these curiosities were staggering, and swaggering, and
+smoking in front of Nonsuch House, to the edification of a lot of gaping
+grooms and chawbacons, when Mr. Sponge cantered becomingly up on the
+piebald. Lady Scattercash, with several elegantly dressed females, all with
+cigars in their mouths, were conversing with them from the open
+drawing-room windows above, while sundry good-looking damsels ogled them
+from the attics above. Such was the tableau that presented itself to Mr.
+Sponge as he cantered round the turn that brought him in front of the
+Elizabethan mansion of Nonsuch House.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Harry, who was still rather drunk, thinking that every person there
+must be either one of his party, or a friend of one of his party, or a
+neighbour, or some one that he had seen before, reeled up to our friend as
+he stopped, and, shaking him heartily by the hand, asked him to come in and
+have something to eat. This was a godsend to Mr. Sponge, who accepted the
+proffered hand most readily, shaking it in a way that quite satisfied Sir
+Harry he was right in some one or other of his conjectures. Bugles, and all
+the reeling, swaggering bucks, looked respectfully at the well-appointed
+man, and Bugles determined to have a pair of nut-brown tops as soon as ever
+he got back to town.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Harry was a tall, wan, pale young man, with a strong tendency to
+delirium tremens; that, and consumption, appeared to be running a match for
+his person. He was a harum-scarum fellow, all strings, and tapes, and ends,
+and flue. He looked as if he slept in his clothes. His hat was fastened on
+with a ribbon, or rather a ribbon passed round near the band, in order to
+fasten it on, for it was seldom or ever applied to the purpose, and the
+ends generally went flying out behind like a Chinaman's tail. Then his
+flashy, many-coloured cravats, stared and straggled in all directions,
+while his untied waistcoat-strings <a name="Page_430" id="Page_430"></a>protruded between the laps of his old
+short-waisted swallow-tailed scarlet, mixing in glorious confusion with
+those of his breeches behind. The knee-strings were generally also loose;
+the web straps of his boots were seldom in; and, what with one set of
+strings and another, he had acquired the name of Sixteen-string'd Jack. Mr.
+Sponge having dismounted, and given his hack to the now half-drunken
+Leather, followed Sir Harry through a foil and four-in-hand whip-hung hall
+to the deserted breakfast-room, where chairs stood in all directions, and
+crumpled napkins strewed the floor. The litter of eggs, and remnants of
+muffins, and diminished piles of toast, and broken bread and empty toast
+racks, and cups and saucers, and half-emptied glasses, and wholly emptied
+champagne bottles, were scattered up and down a disorderly table, further
+littered with newspapers, letter backs, county court summonses, mustard
+pots, anchovies, pickles&mdash;all the odds and ends of a most miscellaneous
+meal. The side-table exhibited cold joints, game, poultry, lukewarm hashed
+venison, and sundry lamp-lit dishes of savoury grills.</p>
+
+<p>'Here you are!' exclaimed Sir Harry, taking his hunting-whip and sweeping
+the contents of one end of the table on to the floor with a crash that
+brought in the butler and some theatrical-looking servants.</p>
+
+<p>'Take those filthy things away! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry, crushing
+the broken china smaller under his heels; 'and (hiccup) bring some
+red-herrings and soda-water. What the deuce does the (hiccup) cook mean by
+not (hiccuping) things as he ought? Now,' said he, addressing Mr. Sponge,
+and raking the plates and dishes up to him with the handle of his whip,
+just as a gaming-table keeper rakes up the stakes, 'now,' said he, 'make
+your (hiccup) game. There'll be some hot (hiccup) in directly.' He meant to
+say 'tea,' but the word failed him.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge fell to with avidity. He was always ready to eat, and attacked
+first one thing and then another, as though he had not had any breakfast at
+Puddingpote Bower.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Harry remained mute for some minutes, sitting <a name="Page_431" id="Page_431"></a>cross-legged and
+backwards in his chair, with his throbbing temples resting upon the back,
+wondering where it was that he had met Mr. Sponge. He looked different
+without his hat; and, though he saw it was no one he knew particularly, he
+could not help thinking he had seen him before.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, he thought it was clear, from Mr. Sponge's manner, that they had
+met, and he was just going to ask him whether it was at Offley's or the
+Coal Hole, when a sudden move outside attracted his attention. It was the
+hounds.</p>
+
+<p>The huntsman's horse having at length returned from the fiddler hunt, and
+being whisped over, and made tolerably decent, Mr. Watchorn, having
+exchanged the postilion saddle in which it had been ridden for a horn-cased
+hunting one, had mounted, and, opening the kennel-door, had liberated the
+pent-up pack, who came tearing out full cry and spread themselves over the
+country, regardless alike of the twang, twang, twang of the horn and the
+furious onslaught of a couple of stable lads in scarlet and caps, who, true
+to the title of 'whippers-in,' let drive at all they could get within reach
+of. The hounds had not been out, even to exercise, since the Snobston-Green
+day, and were as wild as hawks. They were ready to run anything. Furious
+and Furrier tackled with a cow. Bountiful ran a black cart-colt, and made
+him leap the haw-haw. Sempstress, Singwell, and Saladin (puppies), went
+after some crows. Mercury took after the stable cat, while old Thunderer
+and Come-by-chance (supposed to be one of Lord Scamperdale's) joined in
+pursuit of a cur. Watchorn, however, did not care for these little
+ebullitions of spirit, and never having been accustomed to exercise the
+Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers, he did not see any occasion for
+troubling the fox-hounds. 'They would soon settle,' he said, 'when they got
+a scent.'</p>
+
+<p>It was this riotous start that diverted Sixteen-string'd Jack's attention
+from our friend, and, looking out of the window, Mr. Sponge saw all the
+company preparing to be off. There was the elegant Bugles mounting her
+ladyship's white Arab; the brothers Spangles climbing <a name="Page_432" id="Page_432"></a>on to their
+cream-colours; Mr. This getting on to the postman's pony, and Mr. That on
+to the gamekeeper's. Mr. Sponge hurried out to get to the brown ere his
+anger arose at being left behind, and provoked a scene. He only just
+arrived in time; for the twang of the horn, the cracks of the whips, the
+clamorous rates of the servants, the yelping of the hounds, and the general
+commotion, had got up his courage, and he launched out in such a way, when
+Mr. Sponge mounted, as would have shot a loose rider into the air. As it
+was, Mr. Sponge grappled manfully with him, and, letting the Latchfords
+into his sides, shoved him in front of the throng, as if nothing had
+happened. Mr. Leather then slunk back to the stables, to get out the hack
+to have a hunt in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>The hounds, as we said before, were desperately wild; but at length, by
+dint of coaxing and cracking, and whooping and hallooing, they got some ten
+couples out of the five-and-twenty gathered together, and Mr. Watchorn,
+putting himself at their head, trotted briskly on, blowing most lustily, in
+the hopes that the rest would follow. So he clattered along the avenue,
+formed between rows of sombre-headed firs and sweeping spruce, out of which
+whirred clouds of pheasants, and scuttling rabbits, and stupid hares kept
+crossing and recrossing, to the derangement of Mr. Watchorn's temper, and
+the detriment of the unsteady pack. Squeak, squeak, squeal sounded right
+and left, followed sometimes by the heavy retributive hand of Justice on
+the offenders' hides, and sometimes by the snarl, snap, and worry of a
+couple of hounds contending for the prey. Twang, twang, twang, still went
+the horn; and when the huntsman reached the unicorn-crested gates, between
+tea-caddy looking lodges, he found himself in possession of a clear
+majority of his unsizable pack. Some were rather bloody to be sure, and a
+few carried scraps of game, which fastidious masters would as soon have
+seen them without; but neither Sir Harry nor his huntsman cared about
+appearances.</p>
+
+<p>On clearing the lodges, and passing about a quarter of a mile on the
+Hardington road, hedge-rows ceased, and they came upon Farleyfair Downs,
+across which Mr. <a name="Page_433" id="Page_433"></a>Watchorn now struck, making for a square plantation, near
+the first hill-top, where it had been arranged the bag-fox should be shook.
+It was a fine day, rather brighter perhaps, than sportsmen like, and there
+was a crispness in the air indicative of frost, but then there is generally
+a burning scent just before one. So thought Mr. Watchorn, as he turned his
+feverish face up to the bright, blue sky, imbibing the fine fresh air of
+the wide-extending downs, instead of the stale tobacco smoke of the fetid
+beer-shop. As he trotted over the springy sward, up the gently rising
+ground, he rose in his stirrups; and, laying hold of his horse's mane,
+turned to survey the long-drawn, lagging field behind.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he to himself, as he ran
+them over in his eye, and thought there might be twenty or five-and-twenty
+horsemen; 'you'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he, 'if you mean
+to get away, for Wily Tom has his hat on the ground, which shows he has put
+him down, and if he's the sort of gem'man I expect he'll not be long in
+cover.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, he resumed his seat in the saddle, and easing his horse,
+endeavoured, by sundry dog noises&mdash;such as, 'Yooi doit, Ravager!' 'Gently,
+Paragon!' 'Here again. Mercury!'&mdash;to restrain the ardour of the leading
+hounds, so as to let the rebellious tail ones up and go into cover with
+something like a body. This was rather a difficult task to accomplish, for
+those with him being light, and consequently anxious to be doing and ready
+for riot, were difficult to restrain from dashing forward; while those that
+had taken their diversion and refreshment among the game, were easy whether
+they did anything more or not.</p>
+
+<p>While Watchorn was thus man&#339;uvring his forces Wily Tom beckoned him on,
+and old Cruiser and Marmion, who had often been at the game before, and
+knew what Wily Tom's hat on the ground meant, flew to him full cry, drawing
+all their companions after them.</p>
+
+<p>'I think he's away to the west,' said Tom in an undertone, resting his hand
+on Watchorn's horse's shoulder; 'back home,' added he, jerking his head
+with a knowing leer of his roguish eye. <a name="Page_434" id="Page_434"></a>'They're on him!' exclaimed he
+after a pause, as the outburst of melody proclaimed that the hounds had
+crossed his line. Then there was such racing and striving among the field
+to get up, and such squeezing and crowding, and 'Mind, my horse kicks!' at
+the little white hunting wicket leading into cover. 'Knock down the wall!'
+exclaimed one. 'Get out of the way; I'll ride over it!' roared another. 'We
+shall be here all day!' vociferated a third. 'That's a header!' cried
+another, as a clatter of stones was followed by a pair of white breeches
+summerseting in the air with a horse underneath. 'It's Tom Sawbones, the
+doctor!' exclaimed one, 'and he can mend himself.' 'By Jove! but he's
+killed!' shrieked another. 'Not a bit of it,' added a third, as the dead
+man rose and ran after his horse. 'Let Mr. Bugles through,' cried Sir
+Harry, seeing his friend, or rather his wife's friend, was fretting the
+Arab.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, the melody of hounds increased, and each man, as he got through
+the little gate, rose in his stirrups and hustled his horse along the green
+ride to catch up those on before. The plantation was about twenty acres,
+rather thick and briary at the bottom; and master Reynard, finding it was
+pretty safe, and, moreover, having attempted to break just by where some
+chawbacons were ploughing, had headed short back, so that, when the excited
+field rushed through the parallel gate on the far side of the plantation,
+expecting to see the pack streaming away over the downs, they found most of
+the hounds with their heads in the air, some looking for halloos, others
+watching their companions trying to carry the scent over the fallow.</p>
+
+<p>Watchorn galloped up in the frantic state half-witted huntsmen generally
+are, and one of the impromptu whips being in attendance, got quickly round
+the hounds, and commenced a series of assaults upon them that very soon
+sent them scuttling to Mr. Watchorn for safety. If they had been at the
+hares again, or even worrying sheep, he could not have rated or flogged
+more severely.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Marksman! Marksman!</span> <i>ough, ye old Divil, get to him!</i>' roared the
+whip, aiming a stinging cut with his <a name="Page_435" id="Page_435"></a>heavy knotty-pointed whip, at a
+venerable sage who still snuffed down a furrow to satisfy himself the fox
+was not on before he returned to cover&mdash;an exertion that overbalanced the
+whip, and would have landed him on the ground, had not he caught by the
+spur in the old mare's flank. Then he went on scrambling and rating after
+Marksman, the field exclaiming, as the Edmonton people did, by Johnny
+Gilpin:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>He's on! no, he's off, he hangs by the mane!</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 269px;">
+<img src="images/image435.jpg" width="269" height="300" alt="&#39;LET MR. BUGLES THROUGH&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#39;LET MR. BUGLES THROUGH&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>At last he got shuffled back into the saddle, and the cry of hounds in
+cover attracting the outsiders back, the scene quickly changed, and the
+horsemen were again <a name="Page_436" id="Page_436"></a>overhead in wood. They now swept up the grass ride to
+the exposed part of the higher ground, the trees gradually diminishing in
+size, till, on reaching the top, they did not come much above a horse's
+shoulder. This point commanded a fine view over the adjacent country.
+Behind was the rich vale of Dairylow, with its villages and spires, and
+trees and enclosures, while in front was nothing but the undulating,
+wide-stretching downs, reaching to the soft grey hills in the distance.
+There was not, however, much time for contemplating scenery; for Wily Tom,
+who had stolen to this point immediately the hounds took up the scent, now
+viewed the fox stealing over a gap in the wall, and, the field catching
+sight, there was such a hullabaloo as would have made a more composed and
+orderly minded fox think it better to break instead of running the outside
+of the wall as this one intended to do. What wind there was swept over the
+downs; and putting himself straight to catch it, he went away whisking his
+brush in the air, as if he was fresh out of his kennel instead of a sack.
+Then what a commotion there was! Such jumpings off to lead down, such
+huggings and holdings, and wooa-ings of those that sat on, such slidings
+and scramblings, and loosenings and rollings of stones. Then the frantic
+horses began to bound, and the frightened riders to exclaim:</p>
+
+<p>'Do get out of my way, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Mind, sir! I'm a-top of you!'</p>
+
+<p>'Give him his head and let him go!' exclaimed the still drunken brother Bob
+Spangles, sliding his horse down with a slack rein.</p>
+
+<p>'That's your sort!' roared Sir Harry, and just as he said it, his horse
+dropped on his hind-quarters like a rabbit, landing Sir Harry comfortably
+on his feet, amid the roars of the foot-people, and the mirth of such of
+the horsemen as were not too frightened to laugh.</p>
+
+<p>'I think I'll stay where I am,' observed Mr. Bugles, preparing for a
+bird's-eye view where he was. 'This hunting,' said he, getting off the
+fidgety Arab, 'seems dangerous.'</p>
+
+<p>The parties who accomplished the descent had now some fine plain sailing
+for their trouble. The line lay <a name="Page_437" id="Page_437"></a>across the open downs, composed of sound,
+springy, racing-like turf, extremely well adapted for trying the pace
+either of horses or hounds. And very soon it did try the pace of them, for
+they had not gone above a mile before there was very considerable tailing
+with both. To be sure, they had never been very well together, but still
+the line lengthened instead of contracting. Horses that could hardly be
+held downhill, and that applied themselves to the turf, on landing, as if
+they could never have enough of it, now began to bear upon the rein and
+hang back to those behind; while the hounds came straggling along like a
+flock of wild geese, with full half a mile between the leader and the last.
+However, they all threw their tongues, and each man flattered himself that
+the hound he was with was the first. In vain the galloping Watchorn looked
+back and tootled his horn; in vain he worked with his cap; in vain the
+whips rode at the tail hounds, cursing and swearing, and vowing they would
+cut them in two.</p>
+
+<p>There was no getting them together. Every now and then the fox might be
+seen, looking about the size of a marble, as he rounded some distant hill,
+each succeeding view making him less, till, at last, he seemed no bigger
+than a pea.</p>
+
+<p>Five-and-twenty minutes best pace over downs is calculated to try the
+mettle of anything; and, long before the leading hounds reached
+Cockthropple Dean, the field was choked by the pace. Sir Harry had long
+been tailed off; both the brothers Spangles had dropped astern; the horse
+of one had dropped too; Sawbones, the doctor's, had got a stiff neck;
+Willing, the road surveyor, and Mr. Lavender, the grocer, pulled up
+together. Muddyman, the farmer's four-year-old, had enough at the end of
+ten minutes; both the whips tired theirs in a quarter of an hour; and in
+less than twenty minutes Watchorn and Sponge were alone in their glory, or
+rather Sponge was in his glory, for Watchorn's horse was beat.</p>
+
+<p>'Lend me your horn!' exclaimed Sponge, as he heard by the hammer and
+pincering of Watchorn's horse, it was all U P with him.</p><p><a name="Page_438" id="Page_438"></a></p>
+
+<p>The horse stopped as if shot; and getting the horn, Mr. Sponge went on, the
+brown laying himself out as if still full of running. Cockthropple Dean was
+now close at hand, and in all probability the fox would not leave it. So
+thought Mr. Sponge as he dived into it, astonished at the chorus and echo
+of the hounds.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 270px;">
+<img src="images/image438.jpg" width="270" height="300" alt="&#39;HE&#39;S AWAY!&mdash;REET &#39;CROSS TORNOPS&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#39;HE&#39;S AWAY!&mdash;REET &#39;CROSS TORNOPS&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Tally ho!' shouted a countryman on the opposite side; and the road Sponge
+had taken being favourable to the point, he made for it at a hand-gallop,
+horn in hand, to blow as soon as he got there.</p>
+
+<p>'He's away!' cried the man as soon as our friend appeared; 'reet 'cross
+tornops!' added he, pointing with his hoe.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then put his horse's head that way, and<a name="Page_439" id="Page_439"></a> blew a long shrill
+reverberating blast. As he paused to take breath and listen, he heard the
+sound of horses' hoofs, and presently a stentorian voice, half frantic with
+rage, exclaimed from behind:</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Who the Dickens are you</span>?'</p>
+
+<p>'Who the Dickens are you?' retorted Mr. Sponge, without looking round.</p>
+
+<p>'They commonly call me the <span class="smcap">Earl of Scamperdale</span>,' roared the same
+sweet voice, 'and those are my hounds.'</p>
+
+<p>'They're not your hounds!' snapped Mr. Sponge, now looking round on his
+big-spectacled, flat-hatted lordship, who was closely followed by his
+double, Mr. Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'Not my hounds!' screeched his lordship. 'Oh, ye barber's apprentice! Oh,
+ye draper's assistant! Oh ye unmitigated Mahomedon! Sing out, Jack! sing
+out! For Heaven's sake, sing out!' added he, throwing out his arms in
+perfect despair.</p>
+
+<p>'Not his lordship's hounds!' roared Jack, now rising in his stirrups and
+brandishing his big whip. 'Not his lordship's hounds! Tell me <i>that</i>, when
+they cost him five-and-twenty 'underd&mdash;two thousand five 'underd a year!
+Oh, by Jingo, but that's a pretty go! If they're not his lordship's hounds,
+I should like to know whose they are?' and thereupon Jack wiped the foam
+from his mouth on his sleeve.</p>
+
+<p>'Sir Harry's!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, again putting the horn to his lips,
+and blowing another shrill blast.</p>
+
+<p>'Sir Harry's!' screeched his lordship in disgust, for he hated the very
+sound of his name&mdash;'Sir Harry's! Oh, you rusty-booted ruffian! Tell me that
+to my very face!'</p>
+
+<p>'Sir Harry's!' repeated Jack, again standing erect in his stirrups. 'What!
+impeach his lordship's integrity&mdash;oh, by Jove, there's an end of
+everything! Death before dishonour! Slugs in a saw-pit! Pistols and coffee
+for two! Cock Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!' And Jack,
+sinking exhausted on his saddle, again wiped the foam from his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship then went at Sponge again.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you sanctified, putrified, pestilential, perpendicular,
+gingerbread-booted, counter-skippin' snob, you<a name="Page_440" id="Page_440"></a> think because I'm a lord,
+and can't swear or use coarse language, that you may do what you like; but
+I'll let you see the contrary,' said he, brandishing his brother to Jack's
+whip. 'Mark you, sir, I'll fight you, sir, any non-huntin' day you like,
+sir, 'cept Sunday.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then the clatter and blowing of horses was heard, and Frostyface
+emerged from the wood followed by the hounds, who, swinging themselves
+'forrard' over the turnips, hit off the scent and went away full cry,
+followed by his lordship and Jack, leaving Mr. Sponge transfixed with
+astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>'Changed foxes,' at length said Sponge, with a shake of his head; and just
+then the cry of hounds on the opposite bank confirmed his conjecture, and
+he got to Sir Harry's in time to take up his lordship's fox.</p>
+
+<p>His lordship's hounds ran into Sir Harry's fox about two miles farther on,
+but the hounds would not break him up; and, on examining him, he was found
+to have been aniseeded; and, worst of all, by the mark on his ear to be one
+that they had turned down themselves the season before, being one of a
+litter that Sly had stolen from Sir Harry's cover at Seedeygorse&mdash;a
+beautiful instance of retributive justice.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LI" id="CHAPTER_LI"></a>CHAPTER LI</h2>
+
+<h3>FARMER PEASTRAW'S D&Icirc;N&Eacute;-MATIN&Eacute;E</h3>
+
+
+<p>There are pleasanter situations than being left alone with twenty couple of
+even the best-mannered fox-hounds; far pleasanter situations than being
+left alone with such a tearing, frantic lot as composed Sir Harry
+Scattercash's pack. Sportsmen are so used (with some hounds at least) to
+see foxes 'in hand' that they never think there is any difficulty in
+getting them there; and it is only a single-handed combat with the pack
+that shows them that the hound does not bring the fox up in his mouth like
+a retriever. A tyro's first <i>t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te</i> with a half-killed fox, with the
+baying pack circling round, must leave as pleasing a souvenir on the
+memory<a name="Page_441" id="Page_441"></a> as Mr. Gordon Cumming would derive from his first interview with a
+lion.</p>
+
+<p>Our friend Mr. Sponge was now engaged with a game of 'pull devil, pull
+baker' with the hounds for the fox, the difficulty of his situation being
+heightened by having to contend with the impetuous temper of a
+high-couraged, dangerous horse. To be sure, the gallant Hercules was a good
+deal subdued by the distance and severity of the pace, but there are few
+horses that get to the end of a run that have not sufficient kick left in
+them to do mischief to hounds, especially when raised or frightened by the
+smell of blood; nevertheless, there was no help for it. Mr. Sponge knew
+that unless he carried off some trophy, it would never be believed he had
+killed the fox. Considering all this, and also that there was no one to
+tell what damage he did, he just rode slap into the middle of the pack, as
+Marksman, Furious, Thunderer, and Bountiful were in the act of despatching
+the fox. Singwell and Saladin (puppies) having been sent away howling, the
+one bit through the jowl, the other through the foot.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! leave him&mdash;leave him&mdash;leave him!' screeched Mr. Sponge, trampling over
+Warrior and Tempest, the brown horse lashing out furiously at Melody and
+Lapwing. 'Ah, leave him! leave him!' repeated he, throwing himself off his
+horse by the fox, and clearing a circle with his whip, aided by the hoofs
+of the animal. There lay the fox before him killed, but as yet little
+broken by the pack. He was a noble fellow; bright and brown, in the full
+vigour of life and condition, with a gameness, even in death, that no other
+animal shows. Mr. Sponge put his foot on the body, and quickly whipped off
+his brush. Before he had time to pocket it, the repulsed pack broke in upon
+him and carried off the carcass.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! dash ye, you may have <i>that</i>,' said he, cutting at them with his whip
+as they clustered upon it like a swarm of bees. They had not had a wild fox
+for five weeks.</p>
+
+<p>'Who-hoop!' cried Mr. Sponge, in the hopes of attracting some of the field.
+'<span class="smcap">Who-hoop</span>!' repeated <a name="Page_442" id="Page_442"></a>he, as loud as he could halloo. 'Where can
+they all be, I wonder?' said he, looking around; and echo answered&mdash;where?</p>
+
+<p>The hounds had now crunched their fox, or as much of him as they wanted.
+Old Marksman ran about with his head, and Warrior with a haunch.</p>
+
+<p>'Drop it, you old beggar!' cried Mr. Sponge, cutting at Marksman with his
+whip, and Mr. Sponge being too near to make a trial of speed prudent, the
+old dog did as he was bid, and slunk away.</p>
+
+<p>Our friend then appended this proud trophy to his saddle-flap by a piece of
+whipcord, and, mounting the now tractable Hercules, began to cast about in
+search of a landmark. Like most down countries, this one was somewhat
+deceptive; there were plenty of landmarks, but they were all the same
+sort&mdash;clumps of trees on hill-tops, and plantations on hill-sides, but
+nothing of a distinguishing character, nothing that a stranger could say,
+'I remember seeing that as I came'; or, 'I remember passing that in the
+run.' The landscape seemed all alike: north, south, east, and west, equally
+indifferent.</p>
+
+<p>'Curse the thing,' said Mr. Sponge, adjusting himself in his saddle, and
+looking about; 'I haven't the <i>slightest</i> idea where I am. I'll blow the
+horn, and see if that will bring any one.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, he applied the horn to his lips, and blew a keen, shrill blast,
+that spread over the surrounding country, and was echoed back by the
+distant hills. A few lost hounds cast up from various quarters, in the
+unexpected way that hounds do come to a horn. Among them were a few branded
+with S,<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> who did not at all set off the beauty of the rest.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot you, you belong to that old ruffian, do you?' said Mr. Sponge,
+riding and cutting at one with his whip, exclaiming, 'Get away to him, ye
+beggar, or I'll tuck you up short.'</p>
+
+<p>He now, for the first time, saw them together in anything like numbers, and
+was struck with the queerness and inequality of the whole. They were of all
+sorts and sizes, from the solemn towering calf-like fox-hound <a name="Page_443" id="Page_443"></a>down to the
+little wriggling harrier. They seemed, too, to be troubled with various
+complaints and infirmities. Some had the mange; some had blear eyes; some
+had but one; many were out at the elbows; and not a few down at the toes.
+However, they had killed a fox, and 'Handsome is that handsome does,' said
+Mr. Sponge, as, with his horse surrounded by them, he moved on in quest of
+his way home.</p>
+
+<p>At first, he thought to retrace his steps by the marks of his horse's
+hoofs, and succeeded in getting back to the dean, where Sir Harry's hounds
+changed foxes with Lord Scamperdale's; but he got confused with the
+imprints of the other horses, and very soon had to trust entirely to
+chance. Chance, we are sorry to say, did not befriend him; for, after
+wandering over the wide-extending downs, he came upon the little hamlet of
+Tinkler Hatch, and was informed that he had been riding in a semicircle.</p>
+
+<p>He there got some gruel for his horse, and, with day closing in, now set
+off, as directed, on the Ribchester road, with the assurance that he
+'couldn't miss his way.' Some of the hounds here declined following him any
+farther, and slunk into cottages and outhouses as they passed along. Mr.
+Sponge, however, did not care for their company.</p>
+
+<p>Having travelled musingly along two or three miles of road, now thinking
+over the glorious run&mdash;now of the gallant way in which Hercules had carried
+him&mdash;now of the pity it was that there was nobody there to see&mdash;now of the
+encounter with Lord Scamperdale, just as he passed a well-filled stackyard,
+that had shut out the view of a flaming red brick house with a pea-green
+door and windows, an outburst of 'hoo-rays!' followed by one cheer
+more&mdash;'hoo-ray!' made the remaining wild hounds prick up their ears, and
+our friend rein in his horse, to hear what was 'up.' A bright fire in a
+room on the right of the door overpowered the clouds of tobacco-smoke with
+which the room was enveloped, and revealed sundry scarlet coats in the full
+glow of joyous hilarity. It was Sir Harry and friends recruiting at Fanner
+Peastraw's after their exertions; for, though <a name="Page_444" id="Page_444"></a>they could not make much of
+hunting, they were always ready to drink. They were having a rare
+set-to&mdash;rashers of bacon, wedges of cheese, with oceans of malt-liquor. It
+was the appearance of a magnificent cold round of home-fed beef, red with
+saltpetre and flaky with white fat, borne on high by their host, that
+elicited the applause and the one cheer more that broke on Mr. Sponge's ear
+as he was passing&mdash;applause that was renewed as they caught a glimpse of
+his red coat, not on account of his safety or that of the hounds, but
+simply because being in the cheering mood, they were ready to cheer
+anything.</p>
+
+<p>'Hil-loo! there's Mr. What's-his-name!' exclaimed brother Bob Spangles, as
+he caught view of Sponge and the hounds passing the window.</p>
+
+<p>'So there is!' roared another; 'Hoo-ray!'</p>
+
+<p>'Hoo-ray!' yelled two or three more.</p>
+
+<p>'Stop him!' cried another.</p>
+
+<p>'Call him in,' roared Sir Harry, 'and let's liquor him.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hilloo! Mister What's-your-name!' exclaimed the other Spangles, throwing
+up the window. 'Hilloo, won't you come in and have some refreshment?'</p>
+
+<p>'Who's there?' asked Mr. Sponge, reining in the brown.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, we're all here,' shouted brother Bob Spangles, holding up a tumbler of
+hot brandy-and-water; 'we're all here&mdash;Sir Harry and all,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'But what shall I do with the hounds?' asked Mr. Sponge, looking down upon
+the confused pack, now crowding about his horse's head.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, let the beef-eaters&mdash;the scene-shifters&mdash;I meant to say the
+servants&mdash;those fellows, you know, in scarlet and black caps, look after
+them,' replied brother Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'But there are none of them here,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, looking back on
+the deserted road.</p>
+
+<p>'None of them here!' hiccuped Sir Harry, who had now got reeled to the
+window. 'None of them here,' repeated he, staring vacantly at the uneven
+pack. 'Oh (hiccup) I'll tell you what do&mdash;(hiccup) them into a barn or a
+stable, or a (hiccup) of any sort, and we'll send for them when we want to
+(hiccup) again.' <a name="Page_445" id="Page_445"></a>'Then just you call them to you,' replied Sponge,
+thinking they would go to their master. 'Just you call them,' repeated he,
+'and I'll put them to you.'</p>
+
+<p>'(Hiccup) call to them?' replied Harry. 'I can't (hiccup).'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes!' rejoined Mr. Sponge; 'call one or two by their names, and the
+rest will follow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Names! (hiccup) I don't know any of their nasty names,' replied Sir Harry,
+staring wildly.</p>
+
+<p>'Towler! Towler! Towler! here, good dog&mdash;hoop!&mdash;here's your liquor!' cried
+brother Bob Spangles, holding the smoking tumbler of brandy-and-water out
+of the window, as if to tempt any hound that chose to answer to the name of
+Towler.</p>
+
+<p>There didn't seem to be a Towler in the pack; at least, none of them
+qualified for the brandy-and-water.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I'll (hiccup) you what we'll do,' exclaimed Sir Harry: 'I'll (hiccup)
+you what we'll do. 'We'll just give them a (hiccup) kick a-piece and send
+them (hiccuping) home,' Sir Harry reeling back into the room to the black
+horse-hair sofa, where his whip was.</p>
+
+<p>He presently appeared at the door, and, going into the midst of the hounds,
+commenced laying about him, rating, and cutting, and kicking, and shouting.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/image445.jpg" width="150" height="300" alt="SIR HARRY OF NONSUCH HOUSE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR HARRY OF NONSUCH HOUSE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Geete away home with ye, ye brutes; what are you all (hiccup)ing here
+about? Ah! cut off his tail!' cried he, staggering after a venerable
+blear-eyed sage, who dropped his stern and took off.</p>
+
+<p>'Be off! Does your mother know you're out?' cried Bob Spangles, out of the
+window, to old Marksman, who stood wondering what to do.</p>
+
+<p>The old hound took the hint also.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, then, old feller,' cried Sir Harry, staggering up to Mr. Sponge, who
+still sat on his horse, in mute <a name="Page_446" id="Page_446"></a>astonishment at Sir Harry's mode of
+dealing with his hounds. 'Now, then, old feller,' said he, seizing Mr.
+Sponge by the hand, 'get rid of your quadruped, and (hiccup) in, and make
+yourself "o'er all the (hiccups) of life victorious," as Bob Spangles says,
+when he (hiccups) it neat. This is old (hiccup) Peastraw's, a (hiccup)
+tenant of mine, and he'll be most (hiccup) to see you.'</p>
+
+<p>'But what must I do with my horse?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing some of the
+dried sweat off the brown's shoulder as he spoke; adding, 'I should like to
+get him a feed of corn.'</p>
+
+<p>'Give him some ale, and a (hiccup) of sherry in it,' replied Sir Harry;
+'it'll do him far more good&mdash;make his mane grow,' smoothing the horse's
+thin, silky mane as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I'll put him up,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'and then come to you,'
+throwing himself, jockey fashion, off the horse as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'That's a (hiccup) feller,' said Sir Harry; adding, 'here's old Pea himself
+come to see after you.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, Sir Harry reeled back to his comrades in the house, leaving Mr.
+Sponge in the care of the farmer.</p>
+
+<p>'This way, sir; this way,' said the burly Mr. Peastraw, leading the way
+into his farmyard, where a line of hunters stood shivering under a long
+cart-shed.</p>
+
+<p>'But I can't put my horse in here,' observed Mr. Sponge, looking at the
+unfortunate brutes.</p>
+
+<p>'No, sir, no,' replied Mr. Peastraw; 'put yours in a stable, sir; put yours
+in a stable'; adding, 'these young gents don't care much about their
+horses.'</p>
+
+<p>'Does anybody know the chap's name?' asked Sir Harry, reeling back into the
+room.</p>
+
+<p>'Know his name!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, don't you?'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Sir Harry, with a vacant stare.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, you went up and shook hands with him, as if you were as thick as
+thieves,' replied Bob.</p>
+
+<p>'Did I?' hiccuped Sir Harry. 'Well, I thought I knew him. At least, I
+thought it was somebody I had (hiccup)ed before; and at one's own (hiccup)
+house, you know, one's 'bliged to be (hiccup) feller well (hiccup) <a name="Page_447" id="Page_447"></a>with
+everybody that comes. But surely, some of you know his (hiccup) name,'
+added he, looking about at the company.</p>
+
+<p>'I think I know his (hiccup) face,' replied Bob Spangles, imitating his
+brother-in-law.</p>
+
+<p>'I've seen him somewhere,' observed the other Spangles, through a mouthful
+of beef.</p>
+
+<p>'So have I,' exclaimed some one else, 'but where I can't say.'</p>
+
+<p>'Most likely at church,' observed brother Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I don't think he'll corrupt me,' observed Captain Quod, speaking
+between the fumes of a cigar.</p>
+
+<p>'He'll not borrow much of me,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, producing a
+much tarnished green purse, and exhibiting two fourpenny-pieces at one end,
+and three-halfpence at the other.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I dare say he's a good feller,' observed Sir Harry; 'I make no doubt
+he's one of the right sort.'</p>
+
+<p>Just then in came the man himself, hat and whip in hand, waving the brush
+proudly over his head.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, that's (hiccup) right, old feller,' exclaimed Sir Harry, again
+advancing with extended hand to meet him, adding, 'you'd (hiccup) all you
+wanted for your (hiccup) horse: mutton broth&mdash;I mean barley-water,
+foot-bath, everything right. Let me introduce my (hiccup) brother-in-law,
+Bob Spangles, my (hiccup) friend Captain Ladofwax, Captain Quod, Captain
+(hiccup) Bouncey, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and my (hiccup)
+brother-in-law, Mr. Spangles, as lushy a cove as ever was seen; ar'n't you,
+old boy?' added he, grasping the latter by the arm.</p>
+
+<p>All these gentlemen severally bobbed their heads as Sir Harry called them
+over, and then resumed their respective occupations&mdash;eating, drinking, and
+smoking.</p>
+
+<p>These were some of the debauched gentlemen Mr. Sponge had seen before
+Nonsuch House in the morning. They were all captains, or captains by
+courtesy. Ladofwax had been a painter and glazier in the Borough, where he
+made the acquaintance of Captain Quod, while that gentleman was an inmate
+of Captain Hudson's <a name="Page_448" id="Page_448"></a>strong house. Captain Bouncey was the too well-known
+betting-office keeper; and Seedeybuck was such a constant customer of Mr.
+Commissioner Fonblanque's court, that that worthy legal luminary, on
+discharging him for the fifth time, said to him, with a very significant
+shake of the head, 'You'd better not come here again, sir.' Seedeybuck,
+being of the same opinion, had since fastened himself on to Sir Harry
+Scattercash, who found him in meat, drink, washing, and lodging. They were
+all attired in red coats, of one sort or another, though some of which were
+of a very antediluvian, and others of a very dressing-gown cut. Bouncey's
+had a hare on the button, and Seedeybuck's coat sat on him like a sack.
+Still a scarlet coat is a scarlet coat in the eyes of some, and the coats
+were not a bit more unsportsmanlike than the men. To Mr. Sponge's
+astonishment, instead of breaking out in inquiries as to where they had run
+to, the time, the distance, who was up, who was down, and so on, they began
+recommending the victuals and drink; and this, notwithstanding Mr. Sponge
+kept flourishing the brush.</p>
+
+<p>'We've had a rare run,' said he, addressing himself to Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you (hiccup)? I'm glad of it (hiccup). Pray have something to
+(hiccup) after it; you <i>must</i> be (hiccup).'</p>
+
+<p>'Let me help you to some of this cold round of beef?' exclaimed Captain
+Bouncey, brandishing the great broad-bladed carving knife.</p>
+
+<p>'Have a slice of 'ot 'am,' suggested Captain Quod.</p>
+
+<p>'The finest run I ever rode!' observed Mr. Sponge, still endeavouring to
+get a hearing.</p>
+
+<p>'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry;' those (hiccup) hounds of mine are
+uncommon (hiccup).' He didn't know what they were, and the hiccup came very
+opportunely.</p>
+
+<p>'The pace was terrific!' exclaimed Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry; 'and that's what makes me (hiccup)
+you're so (hiccup). Pea, here, has some rare old October&mdash;(hiccup) bushels
+to the (hiccup) hogshead.' <a name="Page_449" id="Page_449"></a>'It's capital!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck,
+frothing himself a tumblerful out of the tall brown jug.</p>
+
+<p>'So is this,' rejoined Captain Quod, pouring himself out a liberal
+allowance of gin.</p>
+
+<p>'That horse of mine carried me MAG<i>nificently</i>!' observed Mr. Sponge, with
+a commanding emphasis on the MAG.</p>
+
+<p>'Dare say he would,' replied Sir Harry; 'he looked like a (hiccup)er&mdash;a
+white 'un, wasn't he?'</p>
+
+<p>'No; a <i>brown</i>,' replied Mr. Sponge, disgusted at the mistake.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well; but there <i>was</i> somebody on a white,' replied Sir Harry.
+'Oh&mdash;ah&mdash;yes&mdash;it was old Bugles on my lady's horse. By the (hiccup) way
+(hiccup), gentlemen, what's got Mr. Orlando (hiccup) Bugles?' asked Sir
+Harry, staring wildly round.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! old Bugles! old Pad-the-Hoof! old Mr. Funker! the horse frightened him
+so, that he went home crying,' replied Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope he didn't lose him?' asked Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no,' replied Bob; 'he gave a lad a shilling to lead him, and they
+trudged away very quietly together.'</p>
+
+<p>'The old (hiccup)!' exclaimed Sir Harry; 'he told me he was a member of the
+Surrey something.'</p>
+
+<p>'The Sorry Union,' replied Captain Quod. 'He <i>was</i> out with them once, and
+fell off on his head and knocked his hat-crown out.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I was telling you about the run,' interposed Mr. Sponge, again
+endeavouring to enlist an audience. 'I was telling you about the run,'
+repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't trouble yourself, my dear sir,' interrupted Captain Bouncey; 'we
+know all about it&mdash;found&mdash;checked&mdash;killed, killed&mdash;found&mdash;checked.'</p>
+
+<p>'You <i>can't</i> know all about it!' snapped Mr. Sponge; 'for there wasn't a
+soul there but myself, much to my horror, for I had a reg'lar row with old
+Scamperdale, and never a soul to back me.'</p>
+
+<p>'What! you fell in with that mealy-mouthed gentleman, who can't (hiccup)
+swear because he's a (hiccup) lord, did you?' asked Sir Harry, his
+attention being now drawn to our friend.</p><p><a name="Page_450" id="Page_450"></a></p>
+
+<p>'<i>I did</i>,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'and a pretty passage of politeness we had
+of it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry. 'Tell us (hiccup) all about it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said Mr. Sponge, laying the brush lengthways before him on the
+table, as if he was going to demonstrate upon it. 'Well, you see we had a
+devil of a run&mdash;I don't know how many miles, as hard as ever we could lay
+legs to the ground; one by one the field all dropped astern, except the
+huntsman and myself. At last he gave in, or rather his horse did, and I was
+left alone in my glory. Well, we went over the downs at a pace that nothing
+but blood could live with, and, though my horse has never been beat, and is
+as thorough-bred as Eclipse&mdash;a horse that I have refused three hundred
+guineas for over and over again, I really did begin to think I might get to
+the bottom of him, when all of a sudden we came to a dean.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! Cockthropple that would be,' observed Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Dare say,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'Cock-anything-you-like-to-call-it for me.
+Well, when we got there, I thought we should have some breathing time, for
+the fox would be sure to hug it. But no; no sooner had I got there than a
+countryman hallooed him away on the far side. I got to the halloo as quick
+as I could, and just as I was blowing the horn,' producing Watchorn's from
+his pocket as he spoke; 'for I must tell you,' said he, 'that when I saw
+the huntsman's horse was beat, I took this from him&mdash;a horn to a foot
+huntsman being of no more use, you know, than a side-pocket to a cow, or a
+frilled shirt to a pig. Well, as I was tootleing the horn for hard life,
+who should turn out of the wood but old mealy-mouth himself, as you call
+him, and a pretty volley of abuse he let drive at me.'</p>
+
+<p>'No doubt,' hiccuped Sir Harry; 'but what was <i>he</i> doing there?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! I should tell you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'his hounds had run a fox into
+it, and were on him full cry when I got there.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll be bund,' cried Sir Harry, 'it was all sham&mdash;that he just (hiccup)
+and excuse for getting into that cover.<a name="Page_451" id="Page_451"></a> The old (hiccup) beggar is always
+at some trick, (hiccup)-ing my foxes or disturbing my covers or something,'
+Sir Harry being just enough of a master of hounds to be jealous of the
+neighbouring ones.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, however, there he was,' continued Mr. Sponge; 'and the first
+intimation I had of the fact was a great, gruff voice, exclaiming, "Who the
+Dickens are you?"</p>
+
+<p>'"Who the Dickens are you?" replied I.'</p>
+
+<p>'Bravo!' shouted Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Capital!' exclaimed Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Go it, you cripples! Newgate's on fire!' shouted Captain Quod.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, what said he?' asked Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'"They commonly call me the Earl of Scamperdale," roared he, "and those are
+<span class="smcap">my hounds</span>."</p>
+
+<p>'"They're <i>not</i> your hounds," replied I.</p>
+
+<p>'"Whose are they, then?" asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'"Sir Harry Scattercash's, a devilish deal better fellow," replied I.</p>
+
+<p>'"Oh, by Jove!" roared he, "there's an end of everything, Jack," shouted he
+to old Spraggon, "this gentleman says these are not my hounds!"</p>
+
+<p>'"I'll tell you what it is, my lord," said I, gathering my whip and riding
+close up as if I was goin' to pitch into him, "I'll tell you what it is;
+you think, because you're a lord, you may abuse people as you like, but by
+Jingo you've mistaken your man. I'll not put up with any of your nonsense.
+The Sponges are as old a family as the Scamperdales, and I'll fight you any
+non-hunting day you like with pistols, broadswords, fists or
+blunder-busses."'</p>
+
+<p>'Well done you! Bravo! that's your sort!' with loud thumping of tables and
+clapping of hands, resounded from all parts.</p>
+
+<p>'By Jove, fill him up a stiff'un! he deserves a good drink after that!'
+exclaimed Sir Harry, pouring Mr. Sponge out a beaker, equal parts brandy
+and water.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge immediately became a hero, and was freely admitted into their
+circle. He was clearly a choice spirit&mdash;a trump of the first water&mdash;and
+they only wanted his name to be uncommonly thick with him. As it was,<a name="Page_452" id="Page_452"></a> they
+plied him with victuals and drink, all seeming anxious to bring him up to
+the same happy state of inebriety as themselves. They talked and they
+chattered, and they abused Old Scamperdale and Jack Spraggon, and lauded
+Mr. Sponge up to the skies.</p>
+
+<p>Thus day closed in, with Farmer Peastraw's bright fire shedding its
+cheering glow over the now encircling group. One would have thought that,
+with their hearts mellow, and their bodies comfortable, their minds would
+have turned to that sport in whose honour they sported the scarlet; but no,
+hunting was never mentioned. They were quite as genteel as Nimrod's swell
+friends at Melton, who cut it altogether. They rambled from subject to
+subject, chiefly on indoor and London topics; billiards, betting-offices,
+Coal Holes, Cremorne, Cider Cellars, Judge and Jury Courts, there being an
+evident confusion in their minds between the characters of sportsmen and
+sporting men, or gents as they are called. Mr. Sponge tried hard to get
+them on the right tack, were it only for the sake of singing the praises of
+the horse for which he had so often refused three hundred guineas, but he
+never succeeded in retaining an hearing. Talkers were far more plentiful
+than listeners.</p>
+
+<p>At last they got to singing, and when men begin to sing, it is a sign that
+they are either drunk, or have had enough of each other's company. Sir
+Harry's hiccup, from which he was never wholly free, increased tenfold, and
+he hiccuped and spluttered at almost every word. His hand, which shook so
+at starting that it was odds whether he got his glass to his mouth or his
+ear, was now steadied, but his glazed eye and green haggard countenance
+showed at what a fearful sacrifice the temporary steadiness had been
+obtained. At last his jaw dropped on his chest, his left arm hung
+listlessly over the back of the chair, and he fell asleep. Captain Quod,
+too, was overcome, and threw himself full-length on the sofa. Captain
+Seedeybuck began to talk thick.</p>
+
+<p>Just as they were all about brought to a standstill, the trampling of
+horses, the rumbling of wheels, and the shrill twang, twang, twang of the
+now almost forgotten mail horn, roused them from their reveries. <a name="Page_453" id="Page_453"></a>It was
+Sir Harry's drag scouring the country in search of our party. It had been
+to all the public-houses and beer-shops within a radius of some miles of
+Nonsuch House, and was now taking a speculative blow through the centre of
+the circle.</p>
+
+<p>It was a clear frosty night, and the horses' hoofs rang, and the wheels
+rolled soundly over the hard road, cracking the thin ice, yet hardly
+sufficiently frozen to prevent a slight upshot from the wheels.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<img src="images/image453.jpg" width="289" height="300" alt="MR. BUGLES PREFERS DANCING TO HUNTING" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. BUGLES PREFERS DANCING TO HUNTING</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Twang, twang, twang, went the horn full upon Farmer Peastraw's house,
+causing the sleepers to start, and the waking ones to make for the window.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Coach-a-hoy</span>!' cried Bob Spangles, smashing a pane in a vain
+attempt to get the window up. The coachman pulled up at the sound.</p>
+
+<p>'Here we are, Sir Harry!' cried Bob Spangles, into <a name="Page_454" id="Page_454"></a>his brother-in-law's
+ear, but Sir Harry was too far gone; he could not 'come to time.' Presently
+a footman entered with furred coats, and shawls, and checkered rugs, in
+which those who were sufficiently sober enveloped themselves, and those who
+were too far gone were huddled by Peastraw and the man; and amid much hurry
+and confusion, and jostling for inside seats, the party freighted the
+coach, and whisked away before Mr. Sponge knew where he was.</p>
+
+<p>When they arrived at Nonsuch House, they found Mr. Bugles exercising the
+fiddlers by dancing the ladies in turns.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LII" id="CHAPTER_LII"></a>CHAPTER LII</h2>
+
+<h3>A MOONLIGHT RIDE</h3>
+
+
+<p>The position, then, of Mr. Sponge was this. He was left on a frosty,
+moonlight night at the door of a strange farmhouse, staring after a
+receding coach, containing all his recent companions.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll not be goin' wi' 'em, then?' observed Mr. Peastraw, who stood
+beside him, listening to the shrill notes of the horn dying out in the
+distance.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Rummy lot,' observed Mr. Peastraw, with a shake of the head.</p>
+
+<p>'Are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Very!' replied Mr. Peastraw. 'Be the death of Sir Harry among 'em.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who are they all?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Rubbish!' replied Peastraw with a sneer, diving his hands into the depths
+of his pockets. 'Well, we'd better go in,' added he, pulling his hands out
+and rubbing them, to betoken that he felt cold.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, not being much of a drinker, was more overcome with what he had
+taken than a seasoned cask would have been; added to which the keen night
+air striking upon his heated frame soon sent the liquor into his head. He
+began to feel queer.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' said he to his host, 'I think I'd better be going.'</p><p><a name="Page_455" id="Page_455"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Where are you bound for?' asked Mr. Peastraw.</p>
+
+<p>'To Puddingpote Bower,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'S-o-o,' observed Mr. Peastraw thoughtfully; 'Mr. Crowdey's&mdash;Mr. Jogglebury
+that was?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'He is a deuce of a man, that, for breaking people's hedges,' observed Mr.
+Peastraw; after a pause, 'he can't see a straight stick of no sort, but
+he's sure to be at it.'</p>
+
+<p>'He's a great man for walking-sticks,' replied Mr. Sponge, staggering in
+the direction of the stable in which he put his horse.</p>
+
+<p>The house clock then struck ten.</p>
+
+<p>'She's fast,' observed Mr. Peastraw, fearing his guest might be wanting to
+stay all night.</p>
+
+<p>'How far will Puddingpote Bower be from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, no distance, sir, no distance,' replied Mr. Peastraw, now leading out
+the horse. 'Can't miss your way, sir&mdash;can't miss your way. First turn on
+the right takes you to Collins' Green; then keep by the side of the church,
+next the pond; then go straight forward for about a mile and a half, or two
+miles, till you come to a small village called Lea Green; turn short at the
+finger-post as you enter, and keep right along by the side of the hills
+till you come to the Winslow Woods; leave them to the left, and pass by Mr.
+Roby's farm, at Runton&mdash;you'll know Mr. Roby?'</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' replied Mr. Sponge, hoisting himself into the saddle, and holding
+out a hand to take leave of his host.</p>
+
+<p>'Good night, sir; good night!' exclaimed Mr. Peastraw, shaking it; 'and
+have the goodness to tell Mr. Crowdey from me that the next time he comes
+here a bush-rangin', I'll thank him to shut the gates after him. He set all
+my young stock wrong the last time he was here.'</p>
+
+<p>'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge, riding off.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Peastraw's directions were well calculated to confuse a clearer head
+than Mr. Sponge then carried; and the reader will not be surprised to learn
+that, long before he reached the Winslow Woods, he was regularly
+bewildered. Indeed, there is no surer way of losing oneself than trying to
+follow a long train of directions<a name="Page_456" id="Page_456"></a> in a strange country. It is far better
+to establish one's own landmarks, and make for them as the natural course
+of the country seems to direct. Our forefathers had a wonderful knack of
+getting to points with as little circumlocution as possible. Mr. Sponge,
+however, knew no points, and was quite at sea; indeed, even if he had, they
+would have been of little use, for a fitful and frequently obscured moon
+threw such bewildering lights and shades around, that a native would have
+had some difficulty in recognizing the country. The frost grew more
+intense, the stars shone clear and bright, and the cold took our friend by
+the nape of the neck, shooting across his shoulder-blades and right down
+his back. Mr. Sponge wished and wished he was anywhere but where he
+was&mdash;flattening his nose against the coffee-room window of the Bantam,
+tooling in a hansom as hard as he could go, squaring along Oxford Street
+criticizing horses&mdash;nay, he wouldn't care to be undergoing Gustavus James
+himself&mdash;anything, rather than rambling about a strange country in a cold
+winter's night, with nothing but the hooting of owls and the occasional
+bark of shepherds' dogs to enliven his solitude. The houses were few and
+far between. The lights in the cottages had long been extinguished, and the
+occupiers of such of the farmhouses as would come to his knocks were gruff
+in their answers, and short in their directions. At length, after riding,
+and riding, and riding, more with a view of keeping himself awake than in
+the expectation of finding his way, just as he was preparing to arouse the
+inmates of a cottage by the roadside, a sudden gleam of moonlight fell upon
+the building, revealing the half-Swiss, half-Gothic lodge of Puddingpote
+Bower.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LIII" id="CHAPTER_LIII"></a>CHAPTER LIII</h2>
+
+<h3>PUDDINGPOTE BOWER</h3>
+
+
+<p>We must now back the train a little, and have a look at Jog and Co.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Jog had had another squabble after Mr.<a name="Page_457" id="Page_457"></a> Sponge's departure in
+the morning, Mr. Jog reproving Mrs. Jog for the interest she seemed to take
+in Mr. Sponge, as shown by her going to the door to see him amble away on
+the piebald hack. Mrs. Jog justified herself on the score of Gustavus
+James, with whom she was quite sure Mr. Sponge was much struck, and to
+whom, she made no doubt, he would leave his ample fortune. Jog, on the
+other hand, wheezed and puffed into his frill, and reasserted that Mr.
+Sponge was as likely to live as Gustavus James, and to marry and to have a
+bushel of children of his own; while Mrs. Jog rejoined that he was 'sure to
+break his neck'&mdash;breaking their necks being, as she conceived, the
+inevitable end of fox-hunters. Jog, who had not prosecuted the sport of
+hunting long enough to be able to gainsay her assertion, though he took
+especial care to defer the operation of breaking his own neck as long as he
+could, fell back upon the expense and inconvenience of keeping Mr. Sponge
+and his three horses, and his saucy servant, who had taught their domestics
+to turn up their noses at his diet table; above all, at his stick-jaw and
+undeniable small-beer. So they went fighting and squabbling on, till at
+last the scene ended, as usual, by Mrs. Jogglebury bursting into tears, and
+declaring that Jog didn't care a farthing either for her or her children.
+Jog then bundled off, to try and fashion a most incorrigible-looking,
+knotty blackthorn into a head of Lord Chancellor Lyndhurst. He afterwards
+took a turn at a hazel that he thought would make a Joe Hume. Having
+occupied himself with these till the children's dinner-hour, he took a
+wandering, snatching sort of meal, and then put on his paletot, with a
+little hatchet in the pocket, and went off in search of the raw material in
+his own and the neighbouring hedges.</p>
+
+<p>Evening came, and with it came Jog, laden, as usual, with an armful of
+gibbeys, but the shades of night followed evening ere there was any tidings
+of the sporting inmates of his house. At length, just as Jog was taking his
+last stroll prior to going in for good, he espied a pair of vacillating
+white breeches coming up the avenue with a clearly drunken man inside them.
+Jog stood <a name="Page_458" id="Page_458"></a>straining his eyes watching their movements, wondering whether
+they would keep the saddle or come off&mdash;whenever the breeches seemed
+irrevocably gone, they invariably recovered themselves with a jerk or a
+lurch&mdash;Jog now saw it was Leather on the piebald, and though he had no
+fancy for the man, he stood to let him come up, thinking to hear something
+of Sponge. Leather in due time saw the great looming outline of our friend
+and came staring and shaking his head, endeavouring to identify it. He
+thought at first it was the Squire&mdash;next he thought it wasn't&mdash;then he was
+sure it wasn't.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! it's you, old boy, is it?' at last exclaimed he, pulling up beside the
+large holly against which our friend had placed himself, 'It's you, old
+boy, is it?' repeated he, extending his right hand and nearly overbalancing
+himself, adding as he recovered his equilibrium, 'I thought it was the old
+Woolpack at first,' nodding his head towards the house. 'Well,' spluttered
+he, pulling up, and sitting, as he thought, quite straight in the saddle,
+'we've had the finest day's sport and the most equitable drink I've enjoyed
+for many a long day. 'Ord bless us, what a gent that Sir 'Arry is! He's the
+sort of man that should have money. I'm blowed, if I were queen, but I'd
+melt all the great blubber-headed fellows like this 'ere Crowdey down, and
+make one sich man as Sir 'Arry out of the 'ole on 'em. Beer! they don't
+know wot beer is there! nothin' but the werry strongest hale, instead of
+the puzzon one gets at this awful mean place, that looks like nothin' but
+the weshin' o' brewers' haprons. Oh! I 'umbly begs pardon,' exclaimed he,
+dropping from his horse on to his knees on discovering that he was
+addressing Mr. Crowdey&mdash;'I thought it was Robins, the mole-ketcher.'</p>
+
+<p>'Thought it was Robins, the mole-catcher,' growled Jog; 'what have you to
+do with (puff) Robins, the (wheeze) mole-catcher?'</p>
+
+<p>Jog boiled over with indignation. At first he thought of kicking Leather, a
+feat that his suppliant position made extremely convenient, if not
+tempting. Prudence, however, suggested that Leather might have him up for
+the assault. So he stood puffing and wheezing and <a name="Page_459" id="Page_459"></a>eyeing the blear-eyed,
+brandy-nosed old drunkard with, as he thought, a withering look of
+contempt; and then, though the man was drunk and the night was dark, he
+waddled off, leaving Mr. Leather on his once white breeches' knees. If Jog
+had had reasonable time, say an hour or an hour and twenty minutes, to
+improvise it in, he would have said something uncommonly sharp; as it was
+he left him with the pertinent inquiry we have recorded&mdash;'What have you to
+do with Robins, the mole-catcher?' We need hardly say that this little
+incident did not at all ingratiate Mr. Sponge with his host, who re-entered
+his house in a worse humour than ever. It was insulting a gentleman on his
+own ter-ri-tory&mdash;bearding an Englishman in his own castle. 'Not to be borne
+(puff),' said Jog.</p>
+
+<p>It was now nearly five o'clock, Jog's dinner hour, and still no Mr. Sponge.
+Mrs. Jog proposed waiting half an hour, indeed, she had told Susan, the
+cook, to keep the dinner back a little, to give Mr. Sponge a chance, who
+could not possibly change his tight hunting things for his evening tights
+in the short space of time that Jog could drop off his loose-flowing
+garments, wash his hands, and run the comb through his lank, candle-like
+hair.</p>
+
+<p>Five o'clock struck, and Jog was just applying his hand to the fat
+red-and-black worsted bell-pull, when Mrs. Jog announced what she had done.</p>
+
+<p>'Put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff)!' repeated he,
+blowing furiously into his clean shirt-frill, which stuck up under his nose
+like a hand-saw; 'put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff), I
+wish you wouldn't do such (wheeze) things without consulting (gasp) me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my dear, you couldn't possibly sit down without him,' observed
+Mrs. Jog mildly.</p>
+
+<p>'Possibly! (puff), possibly! (wheeze),' repeated Jog. 'There's no possibly
+in the matter,' retorted he, blowing more furiously into the frill.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jog was silent.</p>
+
+<p>'A man should conform to the (puff) hours of the (wheeze) house,' observed
+Jog, after a pause.</p><p><a name="Page_460" id="Page_460"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my dear, you know hunters are always allowed a little law,'
+observed Mrs. Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Law! (puff), law! (wheeze),' retorted Jog. 'I never want any law,'
+thinking of Smiler <i>v.</i> Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>Half-past five o'clock came, and still no Sponge; and Mrs. Jog, thinking it
+would be better to arrange to have something hot for him when he came, than
+to do further battle with her husband, gave the bell the double ring
+indicative of 'bring dinner.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nay (puff), nay (wheeze); when you have (gasp)ed so long,' growled Jog,
+taking the other tack, 'you might as well have (wheez)ed a little
+longer'&mdash;snorting into his frill as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jogglebury said nothing, but slipped quietly out, as if after her
+keys, to tell Susan to keep so-and-so in the meat-screen, and have a few
+potatoes ready to boil against Mr. Sponge arrived. She then sidled back
+quietly into the room. Jog and she presently proceeded to that
+all-important meal. Jog blowing out the company candles on the side-table
+as he passed.</p>
+
+<p>Jog munched away with a capital appetite; but Mrs. Jog, who took the bulk
+of her lading in at the children's dinner, sat trifling with the contents
+of her plate, listening alternately for the sound of horses' hoofs outside,
+and for nursery squalls in.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner passed over, and the fruity port and sugary sherry soon usurped the
+places that stick-jaw pudding and cheese had occupied.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. (puff) Sponge must be (wheeze), I think,' observed Jog, hauling his
+great silver watch out, like a bucket, from his fob, on seeing that it only
+wanted ten minutes to seven.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Jog!' exclaimed Mrs. Jog, clasping her beautiful hands, and casting
+her bright beady eyes up to the low ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Jog! What's the matter now? (puff&mdash;wheeze&mdash;gasp),' exclaimed our
+friend, reddening up, and fixing his stupid eyes intently on his wife.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nothing,' replied Mrs. Jog, unclasping her hands, and bringing down
+her eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nothin'!' retorted Jog. 'Nothin'!' repeated <a name="Page_461" id="Page_461"></a>he. 'Ladies don't get
+into such tantrums for nothin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, Jog, I was thinking if anything should have ha&mdash;ha&mdash;happened
+Mr. Sponge, how Gustavus Ja&mdash;Ja&mdash;James will have lost his chance.' And
+thereupon she dived for her lace-fringed pocket-handkerchief, and hurried
+out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>But Mrs. Jog had said quite enough to make the caldron of Jog's jealousy
+boil over, and he sat staring into the fire, imagining all sorts of
+horrible devices in the coals and cinders, and conjuring up all sorts of
+evils, until he felt himself possessed of a hundred and twenty thousand
+devils.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll get shot of this chap at last,' said he, with a knowing jerk of his
+head and a puff into his frill, as he drew his thick legs under his chair,
+and made a semi-circle to get at the bottle. 'I'll get shot of this chap,'
+repeated he, pouring himself out a bumper of the syrupy port, and eyeing it
+at the composite candle. He drained off the glass, and immediately filled
+another. That, too, went down; then he took another, and another, and
+another; and seeing the bottle get low, he thought he might as well finish
+it. He felt better after it. Not that he was a bit more reconciled to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, but he felt more equal to cope with him&mdash;he even felt as
+if he could fight him. There did not, however, seem to be much likelihood
+of his having to perform that ceremony, for nine o'clock struck and no Mr.
+Sponge, and at half-past Mr. Crowdey stumped off to bed.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Crowdey, having given Bartholomew and Susan a dirty pack of cards to
+play with to keep them awake till Mr. Sponge arrived, went to bed, too, and
+the house was presently tranquil.</p>
+
+<p>It, however, happened that that amazing prodigy, Gustavus James, having
+been out on a sort of eleemosynary excursion among the neighbouring farmers
+and people, exhibiting as well his fine blue-feathered hat, as his
+astonishing proficiency in 'Bah! bah! black sheep,' and 'Obin and Ichard,'
+getting seed-cake from one, sponge cake from another, and toffy from a
+third, was <a name="Page_462" id="Page_462"></a>troubled with a very bad stomach-ache during the night, of
+which he soon made the house sensible by his screams and his cries. Jog and
+his wife were presently at him; and, as Jog sat in his white cotton
+nightcap and flowing flannel dressing-gown in an easy chair in the nursery,
+he heard the crack of the whip, and the prolonged <i>yeea-yu-u-p</i> of Mr.
+Sponge's arrival. Presently the trampling of a horse was heard passing
+round to the stable. The clock then struck one.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 266px;">
+<img src="images/image462.jpg" width="266" height="300" alt="GUSTAVUS JAMES IN TROUBLE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">GUSTAVUS JAMES IN TROUBLE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Pretty hour for a man to come home to a strange house!' observed Mr. Jog,
+for the nurse, or Murry Ann, or Mrs. Jog, or any one that liked, to take
+up.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jog was busy with the rhubarb and magnesia, and the others said
+nothing. After the lapse of a few<a name="Page_463" id="Page_463"></a> minutes, the clank, clank, clank of Mr.
+Sponge's spurs was heard as he passed round to the front, and Mr. Jog stole
+out on to the landing to hear how he would get in.</p>
+
+<p>Thump! thump! thump! went Mr. Sponge at the door; rap&mdash;tap&mdash;tap he went at
+it with his whip.</p>
+
+<p>'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Bartholomew from the inside.</p>
+
+<p>Presently the shooting of bolts, the withdrawal of bands, and the opening
+of doors, were heard.</p>
+
+<p>'Not gone to bed yet, old boy?' said Mr. Sponge, as he entered.</p>
+
+<p>'No, thir!' snuffled the boy, who had a bad cold, 'been thitten up for
+you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Old puff-and-blow gone?' asked Mr. Sponge, depositing his hat and whip on
+a chair.</p>
+
+<p>The boy gave no answer.</p>
+
+<p>'Is old bellows-to-mend gone to bed?' asked Mr. Sponge in a louder voice.</p>
+
+<p>'The charman's gone,' replied the boy, who looked upon his master&mdash;the
+chairman of the Stir-it-stiff Union&mdash;as the impersonification of all
+earthly greatness.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash your impittance,' growled Jog, slinking back into the nursery; 'I'll
+pay you off! (puff),' added he, with a jerk of his white night-capped head,
+'I'll bellows-to-mend you! (wheeze).'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LIV" id="CHAPTER_LIV"></a>CHAPTER LIV</h2>
+
+<h3>FAMILY JARS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Gustavus James's internal qualms being at length appeased, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey returned to bed, but not to sleep&mdash;sleep there was none for him. He
+was full of indignation and jealousy, and felt suspicious of the very
+bolster itself. He had been insulted&mdash;grossly insulted. Three such
+names&mdash;the 'Woolpack,' 'Old puff-and-blow,' and 'Bellows-to-mend'&mdash;no
+gentleman, surely, ever was called before by a guest, in his own house.
+Called, too, before his own servant. What veneration, what respect, could a
+servant feel for a<a name="Page_464" id="Page_464"></a> master whom he heard called 'Old bellows-to-mend'? It
+damaged the respect inspired by the chairmanship of the Stir-it-stiff
+Union, to say nothing of the trusteeship of the Sloppyhocks, Tolpuddle, and
+other turnpike-roads. It annihilated everything. So he fumed, and fretted,
+and snorted, and snored. Worst of all, he had no one to whom he could
+unburden his grievance. He could not make the partner of his bosom a
+partner in his woes, because&mdash;and he bounced about so that he almost shot
+the clothes off the bed, at the thoughts of the 'why.'</p>
+
+<p>Thus he lay tumbling and tossing, and fuming and wheezing and puffing, now
+vowing vengeance against Leather, who he recollected had called him the
+'Woolpack,' and determining to have him turned off in the morning for his
+impudence&mdash;now devising schemes for getting rid of Mr. Sponge and him
+together. Oh, could he but see them off! could he but see the portmanteau
+and carpet-bag again standing in the passage, he would gladly lend his
+phaeton to carry them anywhere. He would drive it himself for the pleasure
+of knowing and feeling he was clear of them. He wouldn't haggle about the
+pikes; nay, he would even give Sponge a gibbey, any he liked&mdash;the pick of
+the whole&mdash;Wellington, Napoleon Bonaparte, a crowned head even, though it
+would damage the set. So he lay, rolling and restless, hearing every clock
+strike; now trying to divert his thoughts, by making a rough calculation
+what all his gibbeys put together were worth; now considering whether he
+had forgotten to go for any he had marked in the course of his
+peregrinations; now wishing he had laid one about old Leather, when he fell
+on his knees after calling him the 'Woolpack'; then wondering whether
+Leather would have had him before the County Court for damages, or taken
+him before Justice Slowcoach for the assault. As morning advanced, his
+thoughts again turned upon the best mode of getting rid of his most
+unwelcome guests, and he arose and dressed, with the full determination of
+trying what he could do.</p>
+
+<p>Having tried the effects of an upstairs shout the morning before, he
+decided to see what a down one would do; accordingly, he mounted the stairs
+and climbed the <a name="Page_465" id="Page_465"></a>sort of companion-ladder that led to the servants' attics,
+where he kept a stock of gibbeys in the rafters. Having reached this, he
+cleared his throat, laid his head over the banisters, and putting an open
+hand on each side of his mouth to direct the sound, exclaimed with a loud
+and audible voice:</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Bartholo</span>&mdash;<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>!'</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Bar&mdash;tho&mdash;lo</span>&mdash;<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>!' repeated he, after a pause, with a
+full separation of the syllables and a prolonged intonation of the
+<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>.</p>
+
+<p>No Bartholomew answered.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Murray Ann</span>!' then hallooed Jog, in a sharper, quicker key.
+'<span class="smcap">Murray Ann</span>!' repeated he, still louder, after a pause.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir! here, sir!' exclaimed that invaluable servant, tidying her
+pink-ribboned cap as she hurried into the passage below. Looking up, she
+caught sight of her master's great sallow chaps hanging like a flitch of
+bacon over the garret banister.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Murry Ann,' bellowed Mr. Jog, at the top of his voice, still holding
+his hands to his mouth, as soon as he saw her, 'Oh, Murry Ann, you'd better
+get the (puff) breakfast ready; I think the (gasp) Mr. Sponge will be
+(wheezing) away to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.</p>
+
+<p>'And tell Bartholomew to get his washin' bills in.'</p>
+
+<p>'He harn't had no washin' done,' replied Mary Ann, raising her voice to
+correspond with that of her master.</p>
+
+<p>'Then his bill for postage,' replied Mr. Jog, in the same tone.</p>
+
+<p>'He harn't had no letters neither,' replied Mary Ann.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, then, just get the breakfast ready,' rejoined Jog, adding, 'he'll be
+(wheezing) away as soon as he gets it, I (puff) expect.'</p>
+
+<p>'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as, with throbbing head, he lay
+tumbling about in bed, alleviating the recollections of the previous day's
+debauch with an occasional dive into his old friend <i>Mogg</i>. Corporeally, he
+was in bed at Puddingpote Bower, but mentally, he was at the door of the
+Goose and Gridiron, in St. Paul's Churchyard, waiting for the three o'clock
+bus, coming from the Bank to take him to Isleworth Gate.</p><p><a name="Page_466" id="Page_466"></a></p>
+
+<p>Jog's bellow to 'Bartholo&mdash;<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>' interrupted the journey, just as in
+imagination Mr. Sponge was putting his foot on the wheel and hallooing to
+the driver to hand him the strap to help him on to the box.</p>
+
+<p>'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he heard Jog's reiterated
+assertion that he would be wheezing away that day. 'Wish you may get it,
+old boy,' added he, tucking the now backless <i>Mogg</i> under his pillow, and
+turning over for a snooze.</p>
+
+<p>When he got down, he found the party ranged at breakfast, minus the
+interesting prodigy, Gustavus James, whom Sponge proceeded to inquire after
+as soon as he had made his obeisance to his host and hostess, and
+distributed a round of daubed comfits to the rest of the juvenile party.</p>
+
+<p>'But where's my little friend, Augustus James?' asked he, on arriving at
+the wonder's high chair by the side of mamma. 'Where's my little friend,
+Augustus James?' asked he, with an air of concern.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, <i>Gustavus</i> James,' replied Mrs. Jog, with an emphasis on Gustavus;
+'<i>Gustavus</i> James is not very well this morning; had a little indigestion
+during the night.'</p>
+
+<p>'Poor little hound,' observed Mr. Sponge, filling his mouth with hot
+kidney, glad to be rid for a time of the prodigy. 'I thought I heard a row
+when I came home, which was rather late for an early man like me, but the
+fact was, nothing would serve Sir Harry but I should go with him to get
+some refreshment at a tenant's of his; and we got on talking, first about
+one thing, and then about another, and the time slipped away so quickly,
+that day was gone before I knew where I was; and though Sir Harry was most
+anxious&mdash;indeed, would hardly take a refusal&mdash;for me to go home with him, I
+felt that, being a guest here, I couldn't do it&mdash;at least, not then; so I
+got my horse, and tried to find my way with such directions as the farmer
+gave me, and soon lost my way, for the moon was uncertain, and the country
+all strange both to me and my horse.'</p>
+
+<p>'What farmer was it?' asked Jog, with the butter streaming down the gutters
+of his chin from a mouthful of thick toast. <a name="Page_467" id="Page_467"></a>'Farmer&mdash;farmer&mdash;farmer&mdash;let
+me see, what farmer it was,' replied Mr. Sponge thoughtfully, again
+attacking the kidneys. 'Oh, farmer Beanstraw, I should say.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Pea</i>straw, p'raps?' suggested Jog, colouring up, and staring intently at
+Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Pea&mdash;Peastraw was the name,' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I know him,' said Jog; 'Peastraw of Stoke.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, he said he knew you.' replied Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Did he?' asked Jog eagerly. 'What did he say?'</p>
+
+<p>'Say&mdash;let me see what he said,' replied he, pretending to recollect.' He
+said "you are a deuced good feller," and I'd to make his compliments to
+you, and to say that there were some nice young ash saplings on his farm
+that you were welcome to cut.'</p>
+
+<p>'Did he?' exclaimed Jog; 'I'm sure that's very (puff) polite of him. I'll
+(wheeze) over there the first opportunity.'</p>
+
+<p>'And what did you make of Sir Harry?' asked Mrs. Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Did you (puff) say you were going to (wheeze) over to him?' asked Jog
+eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>'I told him I'd go to him before I left the country,' replied Mr. Sponge
+carelessly; adding, 'Sir Harry is rather too fast a man for me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Too fast for himself, I should think,' observed Mrs. Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Fine (puff&mdash;wheeze) young man,' growled Jog into the bottom of his cup.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you known him long?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, we fox-hunters all know each other,' replied Mr. Sponge evasively.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now that's what I tell Mr. Jogglebury,' exclaimed she. 'Mr. Jog's so
+shy, that there's no getting him to do what he ought,' added the lady. 'No
+one, to hear him, would think he's the great man he is.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ought (puff)&mdash;ought (wheeze),' retorted Jog, puffing furiously into his
+capacious shirt-frill. 'It's one (puff) thing to know (puff) people out
+with the (wheeze) hounds, and another to go calling upon them at their
+(gasp) houses.' <a name="Page_468" id="Page_468"></a>'Well, but, my dear, that's the way people make
+acquaintance,' replied his wife. 'Isn't it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she,
+appealing to our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, certainly,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'certainly; all men are equal out
+hunting.'</p>
+
+<p>'So I say,' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury; 'and yet I can't get Jog to call on
+Sir George Stiff, though he meets him frequently out hunting.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but then I can't (puff) upon him out hunting (wheeze), and then
+we're not all equal (gasp) when we go home.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, our friend rose from his chair, and after giving each leg its
+usual shake, and banging his pockets behind to feel that he had his keys
+safe, he strutted consequentially up to the window to see how the day
+looked.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, not being desirous of continuing the 'calling' controversy,
+especially as it might lead to inquiries relative to his acquaintance with
+Sir Harry, finished the contents of his plate quickly, drank up his tea,
+and was presently alongside of his host, asking him whether he 'was good
+for a ride, a walk, or what?'</p>
+
+<p>'A (puff) ride, a (wheeze) walk, or a (gasp) what?' repeated Jog
+thoughtfully. 'No, I (puff) think I'll stay at (puff) home,' thinking that
+would be the safest plan.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord, hang it, you'll never lie at earth such a day as this!' exclaimed
+Sponge, looking out on the bright, sunny landscape.</p>
+
+<p>'Got a great deal to do,' retorted Jog, who, like all thoroughly idle men,
+was always dreadfully busy. He then dived into a bundle of rough sticks,
+and proceeded to select one to fashion into the head of Mr. Hume. Sponge,
+being unable to make anything of him, was obliged to exhaust the day in the
+stable, and in sauntering about the country. It was clear Jog was
+determined to be rid of him, and he was sadly puzzled what to do. Dinner
+found his host in no better humour, and after a sort of Quakers' meeting of
+an evening, they parted heartily sick of each other.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><a name="Page_469" id="Page_469"></a></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LV" id="CHAPTER_LV"></a>CHAPTER LV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE TRIGGER</h3>
+
+
+<p>Jog slept badly again, and arose next morning full of projects for getting
+rid of his impudent, unceremonious, free-and-easy guest.</p>
+
+<p>Having tried both an up and a downstairs shout, he now went out and planted
+himself immediately under Mr. Sponge's bedroom window, and, clearing his
+voice, commenced his usual vociferations.</p>
+
+<p>'Bartholo&mdash;<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>!' whined he. '<i>Bartholo&mdash;m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>!' repeated he,
+somewhat louder. '<span class="smcap">Bar&mdash;tholo</span>&mdash;<i>m&mdash;e&mdash;w</i>!' roared he, in a voice of
+thunder.</p>
+
+<p>Bartholomew did not answer.</p>
+
+<p>'Murry Ann!' exclaimed Jog, after a pause. '<i>Murry Ann!</i>' repeated he,
+still louder. '<span class="smcap">Murray Ann</span>!' roared he, at the top of his voice.</p>
+
+<p>'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Mary Ann, peeping down upon him from the
+garret-window.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Murry Ann,' cried Mr. Jog, looking up, and catching the ends of her
+blue ribbons streaming past the window-frame, as she changed her nightcap
+for a day one, 'oh, Murry Ann, you'd better be (puff)in' forrard with the
+(gasp) breakfast; Mr. Sponge'll most likely be (wheeze)in' away to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann, adjusting the cap becomingly.</p>
+
+<p>'Confounded, puffing, wheezing, gasping, broken-winded old blockhead it
+is!' growled Mr. Sponge, wishing he could get to his former earth at
+Puffington's, or anywhere else. When he got down he found Jog in a very
+roomy, bright, green-plush shooting-jacket, with pockets innumerable, and a
+whistle suspended to a button-hole. His nether man was encased in a pair of
+most dilapidated white moleskins, that had been degraded from hunting into
+shooting ones, and whose cracks and darns showed the perils to which their
+wearer had been exposed. Below these were drab, horn-buttoned gaiters, and
+hob-nailed shoes.</p><p><a name="Page_470" id="Page_470"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Going a-gunning, are you?' asked Mr. Sponge, after the morning salutation,
+which Jog returned most gruffly.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll go with you,' said Mr. Sponge, at once dispelling the delusion of his
+wheezing away.</p>
+
+<p>'Only going to frighten the (puff) rooks off the (gasp) wheat,' replied Jog
+carelessly, not wishing to let Sponge see what a numb hand he was with a
+gun.</p>
+
+<p>'I thought you told me you were going to get me a hare,' observed Mrs. Jog;
+adding, 'I'm sure shooting is a much more rational amusement than tearing
+your clothes going after the hounds,' eyeing the much dilapidated moleskins
+as she spoke.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jog found shooting more useful than hunting.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, if a (puff) hare comes in my (gasp) way, I'll turn her over,' replied
+Jog carelessly, as if turning them over was quite a matter of course with
+him; adding, 'but I'm not (wheezing) out for the express purpose of
+shooting one.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well,' observed Sponge, 'I'll go with you, all the same.'</p>
+
+<p>'But I've only got one gun,' gasped Jog, thinking it would be worse to have
+Sponge laughing at his shooting than even leaving him at home.</p>
+
+<p>'Then, we'll shoot turn and turn about,' replied the pertinacious guest.</p>
+
+<p>Jog did his best to dissuade him, observing that the birds were (puff)
+scarce and (wheeze) wild, and the (gasp) hares much troubled with poachers;
+but Mr. Sponge wanted a walk, and moreover had a fancy for seeing Jog
+handle his gun.</p>
+
+<p>Having cut himself some extremely substantial sandwiches, and filled his
+'monkey' full of sherry, our friend Jog slipped out the back way to loosen
+old Ponto, who acted the triple part of pointer, house-dog, and horse to
+Gustavus James. He was a great fat, black-and-white brute, with a head like
+a hat-box, a tail like a clothes-peg, and a back as broad as a well-fed
+sheep's. The old brute was so frantic at the sight of his master in his
+green coat, and wide-awake to match, that he jumped and bounced, and
+barked, and rattled his chain, and set up such yells, that his noise
+sounded all over the house, and soon<a name="Page_471" id="Page_471"></a> brought Mr. Sponge to the scene of
+action, where stood our friend, loading his gun and looking as
+consequential as possible.</p>
+
+<p>'I shall only just take a (puff) stroll over moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry,'
+observed Jog, as Mr. Sponge emerged at the back door.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image471.jpg" width="300" height="252" alt="FRANTIC DELIGHT OF PONTO" title="" />
+<span class="caption">FRANTIC DELIGHT OF PONTO</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Jog's pace was about two miles and a half an hour, stoppages included, and
+he thought it advisable to prepare Mr. Sponge for the trial. He then
+shouldered his gun and waddled away, first over the stile into Farmer
+Stiffland's stubble, round which Ponto ranged in the most riotous,
+independent way, regardless of Jog's whistles and rates and the crack of
+his little knotty whip. Jog then crossed the old pasture into Mr. Lowland's
+turnips, into which Ponto dashed in the same energetic way, but these
+impediments to travelling soon told on his great buttermilk carcass, and
+brought him to a more subdued pace; still, the dog had a good deal more
+energy than his master. Round he went, sniffing and hunting, then dashing
+right through the middle of the field, as if he<a name="Page_472" id="Page_472"></a> was out on his own account
+alone, and had nothing whatever to do with a master.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, your dog'll spring all the birds out of shot,' observed Mr. Sponge;
+and, just as he spoke, whirr! rose a covey of partridges, eleven in number,
+quite at an impossible distance, but Jog blazed away all the same.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot it, man! if you'd only held your (something) tongue,' growled
+Jog, as he shaded the sun from his eyes to mark them down, 'I'd have
+(wheezed) half of them over.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nonsense, man!' replied Mr. Sponge. 'They were a mile out of shot.'</p>
+
+<p>'I think I should know my (puff) gun better than (wheeze) you,' replied
+Jog, bringing it down to load.</p>
+
+<p>'They're down!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who, having watched them till they
+began to skim in their flight, saw them stop, flap their wings, and drop
+among some straggling gorse on the hill before them. 'Let's break the
+covey; we shall bag them better singly.'</p>
+
+<p>'Take time (puff), replied Jog, snorting into his frill, and measuring out
+his powder most leisurely. 'Take time (wheeze),' repeated he; 'they're just
+on the bounds of moy ter-ri-to-ry.'</p>
+
+<p>Jog had had many a game at romps with these birds, and knew their haunts
+and habits to a nicety. The covey consisted of thirteen at first, but by
+repeated blazings into the 'brown of 'em,' he had succeeded in knocking
+down two. Jog was not one of your conceited shots, who never fired but when
+he was sure of killing; on the contrary, he always let drive far or near;
+and even if he shot a hare, which he sometimes did, with the first barrel,
+he always popped the second into her, to make sure. The chairman's shooting
+afforded amusement to the neighbourhood. On one occasion a party of
+reapers, having watched him miss twelve shots in succession, gave him three
+cheers on coming to the thirteenth&mdash;but to our day. Jog had now got his gun
+reloaded with mischief, the cap put on, and all ready for a fresh start.
+Ponto, meanwhile, had been ranging, Jog thinking it better to let him take
+the edge off his ardour than conform to the strict rules of lying down or
+coming to heel. <a name="Page_473" id="Page_473"></a>'Now, let's on,' cried Mr. Sponge, stepping out quickly.</p>
+
+<p>'Take time (puff), take time (wheeze),' gasped Jog, waddling along; 'better
+let 'em settle a little (puff). Better let 'em settle a little (gasp),'
+added he, labouring on.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no, keep them moving,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'keep them moving. Only get
+at 'em on the hill, and drive 'em into the fields below, and we shall have
+rare fun.'</p>
+
+<p>'But the (puff) fields below are not mine,' gasped Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Whose are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh (puff), Mrs. Moses's,' gasped Jog. 'My stoopid old uncle,' continued
+he, stopping, and laying hold of Mr. Sponge's arm, as if to illustrate his
+position, but in reality to get breath, 'my stoopid old uncle (puff) missed
+buying that (wheeze) land when old Harry Griperton died. I only wanted that
+to make moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry extend all the (gasp) way up to
+Cockwhistle Park there,' continued he, climbing on to a stile they now
+approached, and setting aside the top stone. 'That's Cockwhistle Park, up
+there&mdash;just where you see the (puff) windmill&mdash;then (puff) moy (wheeze)
+ter-ri-to-ry comes up to the (wheeze) fallow you see all yellow with runch;
+and if my old (puff) uncle (wheeze) Crowdey had had the sense of a (gasp)
+goose, he'd have (wheezed) that when it was sold. Moy (puff) name was
+(wheeze) Jogglebury,' added he, 'before my (gasp) uncle died.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind about that,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'let us go on after
+these birds.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, we'll (puff) up to them presently,' observed Jog, labouring away, with
+half a ton of clay at each foot, the sun having dispelled the frost where
+it struck, and made the land carry.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Presently!</i>' retorted Mr. Sponge. 'But you should make haste, man.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but let me go my own (puff) pace,' snapped Jog, labouring away.</p>
+
+<p>'Pace!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'your own crawl, you should say.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' growled Jog, with an angry snort.</p>
+
+<p>They now got through a well-established cattle-gap into a very rushy,
+squashy, gorse-grown pasture, at the bottom of the rising ground on which
+Mr. Sponge had <a name="Page_474" id="Page_474"></a>marked the birds. Ponto, whose energetic exertions had been
+gradually relaxing, until he had settled down to a leisurely hunting-dog,
+suddenly stood transfixed, with the right foot up, and his gaze settled on
+a rushy tuft.</p>
+
+<p>'P-o-o-n-to!' ejaculated Jog, expecting every minute to see him dash at it.
+'P-o-o-n-to!' repeated he, raising his hand.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge stood on the tip-toe of expectation; Jog raised his wide-awake
+hat from his eyes and advanced cautiously with the engine of destruction
+cocked. Up started a great hare; bang! went the gun, with the hare none the
+worse. Bang! went the other barrel, which the hare acknowledged by two or
+three stotting bounds and an increase of pace.</p>
+
+<p>'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Away went Ponto in pursuit.</p>
+
+<p>'P-o-o-n-to!' shrieked Jog, stamping with rage.</p>
+
+<p>'I could have wiped your nose,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, covering the hare
+with a hedge-stake placed to his shoulder like a gun.</p>
+
+<p>'Could you?' growled Jog; ''spose you wipe your own,' added he, not
+understanding the meaning of the term.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, old Ponto went rolling away most energetically, the farther he
+went the farther he was left behind, till the hare having scuttled out of
+sight, he wheeled about and came leisurely back, as if he was doing all
+right.</p>
+
+<p>Jog was very wroth, and vented his anger on the dog, which, he declared,
+had caused him to miss, vowing, as he rammed away at the charge, that he
+never missed such a shot before. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing him with a look of
+incredulity, thinking that a man who could miss such a shot could miss
+anything. They were now all ready for a fresh start, and Ponto, having
+pocketed his objurgation, dashed forward again up the rising ground over
+which the covey had dropped.</p>
+
+<p>Jog's thick wind was a serious impediment to the expeditious mounting of
+the hill, and the dog seemed aware of his infirmity, and to take pleasure
+in aggravating him.</p>
+
+<p>'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog, as he slipped, and <a name="Page_475" id="Page_475"></a>scrambled, and toiled, sorely
+impeded by the encumbrance of his gun.</p>
+
+<p>But P-o-o-n-to heeded him not. He knew his master couldn't catch him, and
+if he did, that he durstn't flog him.</p>
+
+<p>'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog again, still louder, catching at a bush to prevent
+his slipping back. 'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-to!' wheezed he; but the dog just
+rolled his great stern, and bustled about more actively than ever.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang ye! but I'd cut you in two if I had you!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge,
+eyeing his independent proceedings.</p>
+
+<p>'He's not a bad (puff) dog,' observed Jog, mopping the perspiration from
+his brow.</p>
+
+<p>'He's not a good 'un,' retorted Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'D'ye think not (wheeze)?' asked Jog.</p>
+
+<p>'Sure of it,' replied Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Serves me,' growled Jog, labouring up the hill.</p>
+
+<p>'Easy served,' replied Mr. Sponge, whistling, and eyeing the independent
+animal.</p>
+
+<p>'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-t-o!' gasped Jog, as he dashed forward on reaching
+level ground more eagerly than ever.</p>
+
+<p>'P-o-o-n-to! T-o-o-h-o-o!' repeated he, in a still louder tone, with the
+same success.</p>
+
+<p>'You'd better get up to him,' observed Mr. Sponge, 'or he'll spring all the
+birds.'</p>
+
+<p>Jog, however, blundered on at his own pace, growling:</p>
+
+<p>'Most (puff) haste, least (wheeze) speed.'</p>
+
+<p>The dog was now fast drawing upon where the birds lit; and Mr. Sponge and
+Jog having reached the top of the hill, Mr. Sponge stood still to watch the
+result.</p>
+
+<p>Up whirred four birds out of a patch of gorse behind the dog, all
+presenting most beautiful shots. Jog blazed a barrel at them without
+touching a feather, and the report of the gun immediately raised three
+brace more into the thick of which he fired with similar success. They all
+skimmed away unhurt.</p>
+
+<p>'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge again. 'You're what they call a good
+shooter but a bad hitter.'</p>
+
+<p>'You're what they call a (wheeze) fellow,' growled Jog.</p>
+
+<p>He meant to say 'saucy,' but the word wouldn't rise. He then commenced
+reloading his gun, and lecturing <a name="Page_476" id="Page_476"></a>P-o-o-n-to, who still continued his
+exertions, and inwardly anathematizing Mr. Sponge. He wished he had left
+him at home. Then recollecting Mrs. Jog, he thought perhaps he was as well
+where he was. Still his presence made him shoot worse than usual, and there
+was no occasion for that.</p>
+
+<p>'Let <i>me</i> have a shot now,' said Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Shot (puff)&mdash;shot (wheeze); well, take a shot if you choose,' replied he.</p>
+
+<p>Just as Mr. Sponge got the gun, up rose the eleventh bird, and he knocked
+it over.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image476.jpg" width="300" height="189" alt="MR. SPONGE GIVES PONTO A LESSON" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE GIVES PONTO A LESSON</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'<i>That's</i> the way to do it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, as the bird fell dead
+before Ponto.</p>
+
+<p>The excited dog, unused to such descents, snatched it up and ran off. Just
+as he was getting out of shot, Mr. Sponge fired the other barrel at him,
+causing him to drop the bird and run yelping and howling away. Jog was
+furious. He stamped, and gasped, and fumed, and wheezed, and seemed like to
+burst with anger and indignation. Though the dog ran away as hard as he
+could lick, Jog insisted that he was mortally wounded, and would die. 'He
+never saw so (wheeze) a thing done. He wouldn't have taken twenty pounds
+for the dog. No, he wouldn't have taken thirty. Forty wouldn't have bought
+<a name="Page_477" id="Page_477"></a>him. He was worth fifty of anybody's money,' and so he went on, fuming and
+advancing his value as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge stole away to where the dog had dropped the bird; and Mr. Jog,
+availing himself of his absence, retraced his steps down the hill, and
+struck off home at a much faster pace than he came. Arrived there, he found
+the dog in the kitchen, somewhat sore from the visitation of the shot, but
+not sufficiently injured to prevent his enjoying a most liberal plate of
+stick-jaw pudding supplied by a general contribution of the servants. Jog's
+wrath was then turned in another direction, and he blew up for the waste
+and extravagance of the act, hinting pretty freely that he knew who it was
+that had set them against it. Altogether he was full of troubles,
+vexations, and annoyances; and after spending another most disagreeable
+evening with our friend Sponge, went to bed more determined than ever to
+get rid of him.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LVI" id="CHAPTER_LVI"></a>CHAPTER LVI</h2>
+
+<h3>NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN</h3>
+
+
+<p>Poor Jog again varied his hints the next morning. After sundry prefatory
+'Murry Anns!' and 'Bar-tho-lo-<i>mews</i>!' he at length got the latter to
+answer, when, raising his voice so as to fill the whole house, he desired
+him to go to the stable, and let Mr. Sponge's man know his master would be
+(wheezing) away.</p>
+
+<p>'You're wrong there, old buck,' growled Leather, as he heard the foregoing;
+'he's half-way to Sir 'Arry's by this time.'</p>
+
+<p>And sure enough, Mr. Sponge was, as none knew better than Leather, who had
+got him his horse, the hack being indisposed&mdash;that is to say, having been
+out all night with Mr. Leather on a drinking excursion, Leather having just
+got home in time to receive the purple-coated, bare-footed runner of
+Nonsuch House, who dropped in, <i>en passant</i>, to see if there was anything
+to stow away in his roomy trouser-pockets, and leave word that Sir Harry
+was going to hunt, and would meet before the house.</p><p><a name="Page_478" id="Page_478"></a></p>
+
+<p>Leather, though somewhat muzzy, was sufficiently sober to be able to
+deliver this message, and acquaint Mr. Sponge with the impossibility of his
+'ridin' the 'ack.' Indeed, he truly said that he had 'been hup with him all
+night, and at one time thought it was all hover with him,' the
+all-overishness consisting of Mr. Leather being nearly all over the hack's
+head, in consequence of the animal shying at another drunken man lying
+across the road.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge listened to the recital with the indifference of a man who rides
+hack-horses, and coolly observed that Leather must take on the chestnut,
+and he would ride the brown to cover.</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't, sir, couldn't,' replied Leather, with a shake of the head and a
+twinkle of his roguish, watery grey eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge, who never saw any difficulty.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sur,' replied Leather, in a tone of despondency, 'it would be quite
+unpossible. Consider wot a day the last one was; why, he didn't get to rest
+till three the next mornin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'It'll only be walking exercise,' observed Mr. Sponge; 'do him good.'</p>
+
+<p>'Better valk the chestnut,' replied Mr. Leather; 'Multum in Parvo hasn't
+'ad a good day this I don't know wen, and will be all the better of a
+bucketin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'But I hate crawling to cover on my horse,' replied Mr. Sponge, who liked
+cantering along with a flourish.</p>
+
+<p>'You'll have to crawl if you ride 'Ercles,' observed Leather, 'if not walk.
+Bless you! I've been a-nussin' of him and the 'ack most the 'ole night.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, who began to be alarmed lest his hunting
+might be brought to an abrupt termination.</p>
+
+<p>'True as I'm 'ere,' rejoined Leather. 'He's just as much off his grub as he
+vos when he com'd in; never see'd an 'oss more reg'larly dished&mdash;more&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, well,' said Mr. Sponge, interrupting the catalogue of grievances; 'I
+s'pose I must do as you say&mdash;I s'pose I must do as you say: what sort of a
+day is it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Vy, the day's not a bad day; at least that's to say,<a name="Page_479" id="Page_479"></a> it's not a wery
+haggrivatin' day. I've seen a betterer day, in course; but I've also seen
+many a much worser day, and days at this time of year, you know, are apt to
+change&mdash;sometimes, in course, for the betterer&mdash;sometimes, in course, for
+the worser.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is it a frost?' snapped Mr. Sponge, tired of his loquacity.</p>
+
+<p>'Is it a frost?' repeated Mr. Leather thoughtfully; 'is it a frost? Vy, no;
+I should say it <i>isn't</i> a frost&mdash;at least, not a frost to 'urt; there may
+be a little rind on the ground and a little rawness in the hair, but the
+general concatenation&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Hout, tout!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'let's have none of your dictionary
+words.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Leather stood silent, twisting his hat about.</p>
+
+<p>The consequence of all this was, that Mr. Sponge determined to ride over to
+Nonsuch House to breakfast, which would give his horse half an hour in the
+stable to eat a feed of corn. Accordingly, he desired Leather to bring him
+his shaving-water, and have the horse ready in the stable in half an hour,
+whither, in due time, Mr. Sponge emerged by the back door, without
+encountering any of the family. The ambling piebald looked so crestfallen
+and woebegone in all the swaddling-clothes in which Leather had got him
+enveloped, that Mr. Sponge did not care to look at the gallant Hercules,
+who occupied a temporary loose-box at the far end of the dark stable, lest
+he might look worse. He, therefore, just mounted Multum in Parvo as Leather
+led him out at the door, and set off without a word.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, hang me, but you are a good judge of weather,' exclaimed Sponge to
+himself, as he got into the field at the back of the house, and found the
+horse made little impression on the grass. '<i>No frost!</i>' repeated he,
+breathing into the air; 'why it's freezing now, out of the sun.'</p>
+
+<p>On getting into Marygold Lane, our friend drew rein, and was for turning
+back, but the resolute chestnut took the bit between his teeth and shook
+his head, as if determined to go on.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you brute!' growled Mr. Sponge, letting the<a name="Page_480" id="Page_480"></a> spurs into his sides with
+a hearty good-will, which caused the animal to kick, as if he meant to
+stand on his head. 'Ah, you <i>will</i>, will ye?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, letting
+the spurs in again as the animal replaced his legs on the ground. Up they
+went again, if possible higher than before.</p>
+
+<p>The brute was clearly full of mischief, and even if the hounds did not
+throw off, which there was little prospect of their doing from the
+appearance of the weather, Mr. Sponge felt that it would be well to get
+some of the nonsense taken out of him; and, moreover, going to Nonsuch
+House would give him a chance of establishing a billet there&mdash;a chance that
+he had been deprived of by Sir Harry's abrupt departure from Farmer
+Peastraw's. So saying, our friend gathered his horse together, and settling
+himself in his saddle, made his sound hoofs ring upon the hard road.</p>
+
+<p>'He <i>may</i> hunt,' thought Mr. Sponge, as he rattled along; 'such a rum
+beggar as Sir Harry may think it fun to go out in a frost. It's hard, too,'
+said he, as he saw the poor turnip-pullers enveloped in their thick shawls,
+and watched them thumping their arms against their sides to drive the cold
+from their finger-ends.</p>
+
+<p>Multum in Parvo was a good, sound-constitutioned horse, hard and firm as a
+cricket-ball, a horse that would not turn a hair for a trifle even on a
+hunting morning, let alone on such a thorough chiller as this one was; and
+Mr. Sponge, after going along at a good round pace, and getting over the
+ground much quicker than he did when the road was all new to him, and he
+had to ask his way, at length drew in to see what o'clock it was. It was
+only half-past nine, and already in the far distance he saw the encircling
+woods of Nonsuch House.</p>
+
+<p>'Shall be early,' said Mr. Sponge, returning his watch to his
+waistcoat-pocket, and diving into his cutty coat-pocket for the cigar-case.
+Having struck a light, he now laid the rein on the horse's neck and
+proceeded leisurely along, the animal stepping gaily and throwing its head
+about as if he was the quietest, most trustworthy nag in the world. If he
+got there at half-past ten, Mr. Sponge <a name="Page_481" id="Page_481"></a>calculated he would have plenty of
+time to see after his horse, get his own breakfast, and see how the land
+lay for a billet.</p>
+
+<p>It would be impossible to hunt before twelve; so he went smoking and
+sauntering along, now wondering whether he would be able to establish a
+billet, now thinking how he would like to sell Sir Harry a horse, then
+considering whether he would be likely to pay for him, and enlivening the
+general reflections by ringing his spurs against his stirrup-irons.</p>
+
+<p>Having passed the lodges at the end of the avenue, he cocked his hat,
+twiddled his hair, felt his tie, and arranged for a becoming appearance.
+The sudden turn of the road brought him full upon the house. How changed
+the scene! Instead of the scarlet-coated youths thronging the gravelled
+ring, flourishing their scented kerchiefs and hunting-whips&mdash;instead of
+buxom Abigails and handsome mistresses hanging out of the windows, flirting
+and chatting and ogling, the door was shut, the blinds were down, the
+shutters closed, and the whole house had the appearance of mourning.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge reined up involuntarily, startled at the change of scene. What
+could have happened! Could Sir Harry be dead? Could my lady have eloped?
+'Oh, that horrid Bugles!' thought he; 'he looked like a gay deceiver.' And
+Mr. Sponge felt as if he had sustained a personal injury.</p>
+
+<p>Just as these thoughts were passing in his mind, a drowsy, slatternly
+charwoman, in an old black straw bonnet and grey bed-gown, opened one of
+the shutters, and throwing up the sash of the window by where Mr. Sponge
+sat, disclosed the contents of the apartment. The last waxlight was just
+dying out in the centre of a splendid candelabra on the middle of a table
+scattered about with claret-jugs, glasses, decanters, pine-apple tops,
+grape-dishes, cakes, anchovy-toast plates, devilled biscuit-racks&mdash;all the
+concomitants of a sumptuous entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>'Sir Harry at home?' asked Mr. Sponge, making the woman sensible of his
+presence, by cracking his whip close to her ear. <a name="Page_482" id="Page_482"></a>'No,' replied the dame
+gruffly, commencing an assault upon the nearest chair with a duster.</p>
+
+<p>'Where is he?' asked our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Bed, to be sure,' replied the woman, in the same tone.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 266px;">
+<img src="images/image482.jpg" width="266" height="300" alt="MR. SPONGE&#39;S RED COAT COMMANDS NO RESPECT" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SPONGE&#39;S RED COAT COMMANDS NO RESPECT</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Bed, to be sure,' repeated Mr. Sponge. 'I don't think there's any 'sure'
+in the case. Do you know what o'clock it is?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied the woman, flopping away at another chair, and arranging the
+crimson velvet curtains on the holders.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was rather nonplussed. His red coat did not command the respect
+that a red coat generally does. The fact was, they had such queer people in
+red coats at <a name="Page_483" id="Page_483"></a>Nonsuch House, that a red coat was rather an object of
+suspicion than otherwise.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my good woman,' continued Mr. Sponge, softening his tone, 'can
+you tell me where I shall find anybody who can tell me anything about the
+hounds?'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' growled the woman, still flopping, and whisking, and knocking the
+furniture about.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll remember you for your trouble,' observed Mr. Sponge, diving his right
+hand into his breeches' pocket.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,' observed the woman, now ceasing her
+evolutions, and parting her grisly, disordered tresses, as she advanced and
+stood staring, with her arms akimbo, out of the window. She was the
+under-housemaid's deputy; all the servants at Nonsuch House doing the rough
+of their work by deputy. Lady Scattercash was a <i>real</i> lady, and liked to
+have the credit of the house maintained, which of course can only be done
+by letting the upper servants do nothing. 'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,'
+observed the woman.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Bottleends?' repeated Mr. Sponge; 'who's he?'</p>
+
+<p>'The butler, to be sure,' replied she, astonished that any person should
+have to ask who such an important personage was.</p>
+
+<p>'Can't you call him?' asked Mr. Sponge, still fumbling in his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>'Couldn't, if it was ever so,' replied the dame, smoothing her dirty
+blue-checked apron with her still dirtier hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' repeated the woman; 'why, 'cause Mr. Bottleends won't be
+disturbed by no one. He said when he went to bed that he hadn't to be
+called till to-morrow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not called till to-morrow!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'then is Sir Harry from
+home?'</p>
+
+<p>'From home, no; what should put that i' your head?' sneered the woman.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, if the butler's in bed, one may suppose the master's away.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hout!' snapped the woman; 'Sir Harry's i' bed&mdash;Captin Seedeybuck's i'
+bed&mdash;Captin Quod's i' bed&mdash;Captin Spangle's i' bed&mdash;Captin Bouncey's i'
+bed&mdash;Captin Cutitfat's i' bed&mdash;they're all i' bed 'cept me, and<a name="Page_484" id="Page_484"></a> I've got
+the house to clean and right, and high time it was cleaned and righted, for
+they've not been i' bed these three nights any on 'em.' So saying, she
+flourished her duster as if about to set-to again.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but tell me,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'can I see the footman, or the
+huntsman, or the groom, or a helper, or anybody?'</p>
+
+<p>'Deary knows,' replied the woman thoughtfully, resting her chin on her
+hand. 'I dare say they'll be all i' bed too.'</p>
+
+<p>'But they are going to hunt, aren't they?' asked our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Hunt!</i>' exclaimed the woman; 'what should put that i' your head.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, they sent me word they were.'</p>
+
+<p>'It'll be i' bed, then,' observed she, again giving symptoms of a desire to
+return to her dusting.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge, who still kept his hand in his pocket, sat on his horse in a
+state of stupid bewilderment. He had never seen a case of this sort
+before&mdash;a house shut up, and a master of hounds in bed when the hounds were
+to meet before the door. It couldn't be the case: the woman must be
+dreaming, or drunk, or both.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but, my good woman,' exclaimed he, as she gave a punishing cut at
+the chair, as if to make up for lost time; 'well, but, my good woman, I
+wish you would try and find somebody who can tell me something about the
+hounds. I'm sure they must be going to hunt. I'll remember you for your
+trouble, if you will,' added he, again diving his hand up to the wrist in
+his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>'I tell you,' replied the woman slowly and deliberately, 'there'll be no
+huntin' to-day. Huntin'!' exclaimed she; 'how can they hunt when they've
+all had to be carried to bed?'</p>
+
+<p>'Carried to bed! had they?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'what, were they drunk?'</p>
+
+<p>'Drunk! aye, to be sure. What would you have them be?' replied the crone,
+who seemed to think that drinking was a necessary concomitant of hunting.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but I can see the footman or somebody, surely,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+fearing that his chance was out for <a name="Page_485" id="Page_485"></a>a billet, and recollecting old Jog's
+'Bartholo-<i>m-e-ws</i>!' and 'Murry Anns!' and intimations for him to start.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed you can't,' replied the dame&mdash;'ye can see nebody but me,' added she,
+fixing her twinkling eyes intently upon him as she spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that's a pretty go,' observed Mr. Sponge aloud to himself, ringing
+his spurs against his stirrup-irons.</p>
+
+<p>'Pretty go or ugly go,' snapped the woman, thinking it was a reflection on
+herself, 'it's all you'll get'; and thereupon she gave the back of the
+chair a hearty bastinadoing as if in exemplification of the way she would
+like to serve Mr. Sponge out for the observation.</p>
+
+<p>'I came here thinking to get some breakfast,' observed Mr. Sponge, casting
+an eye upon the disordered table, and reconnoitring the bottles and the
+remains of the dessert.</p>
+
+<p>'Did you?' said the woman; 'I wish you may get it.'</p>
+
+<p>'I wish I may,' replied he. 'If you would manage that for me, just some
+coffee and a mutton chop or two, I'd remember you,' said he, still
+tantalizing her with the sound of the silver in his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>'Me manish it!' exclaimed the woman, her hopes again rising at the sound;
+'me manish it! how d'ye think I'm to manish sich things?' asked she.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, get at the cook, or the housekeeper, or somebody,' replied Mr.
+Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Cook or housekeeper!' exclaimed she. 'There'll be no cook or housekeeper
+astir here these many hours yet; I question,' added she, 'they get up
+to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'What! they've been put to bed too, have they?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'W-h-y no&mdash;not zactly that,' drawled the woman; 'but when sarvants are kept
+up three nights out of four, they must make up for lost time when they
+can.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' mused Mr. Sponge, 'this is a bother, at all events; get no
+breakfast, lose my hunt, and perhaps a billet into the bargain. Well,
+there's sixpence for you, my good woman,' said he at length, drawing his
+hand out of his pocket and handing her the contents through the window;
+adding, 'don't make a beast of yourself with it.'</p><p><a name="Page_486" id="Page_486"></a></p>
+
+<p>'It's nabbut <i>fourpence</i>,' observed the woman, holding it out on the palm
+of her hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well, you're welcome to it whatever it is,' replied our friend,
+turning his horse to go away. A thought then struck him. 'Could you get me
+a pen and ink, think you?' asked he; 'I want to write a line to Sir Harry.'</p>
+
+<p>'Pen and ink!' replied the woman, who had pocketed the groat and resumed
+her dusting; 'I don't know where they keep no such things as penses and
+inkses.'</p>
+
+<p>'Most likely in the drawing-room or the sitting-room, or perhaps in the
+butler's pantry,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, you can come in and see,' replied the woman, thinking there was no
+occasion to give herself any more trouble for the fourpenny-piece.</p>
+
+<p>Our worthy friend sat on his horse a few seconds staring intently into the
+dining-room window, thinking that lapse of time might cause the
+fourpenny-piece to be sufficiently respected to procure him something like
+directions how to proceed as well to get rid of his horse, as to procure
+access to the house, the door of which stood frowningly shut. In this,
+however, he was mistaken, for no sooner had the woman uttered the words,
+'Well, you can come in and see,' than she flaunted into the interior of the
+room, and commenced a regular series of assaults upon the furniture,
+throwing the hearth-rug over one chair back, depositing the fire-irons in
+another, rearing the steel fender up against the Carrara marble
+chimney-piece, and knocking things about in the independent way that
+servants treat unoffending furniture, when master and mistress are
+comfortably esconced in bed. 'Flop' went the duster again; 'bang' went the
+furniture; 'knock' this chair went against that, and she seemed bent upon
+putting all things into that happy state of sixes and sevens that
+characterizes a sale of household furniture, when chairs mount tables, and
+the whole system of domestic economy is revolutionized. Seeing that he was
+not going to get anything more for his money, our friend at length turned
+his horse and found his way to the stables by the unerring drag of
+carriage-wheels. All things there being as matters were in the house, he
+put the redoubtable nag into a stall,<a name="Page_487" id="Page_487"></a> and helped him to a liberal measure
+of oats out of the well-stored unlocked corn-bin. He then sought the back
+of the house by the worn flagged-way that connected it with the stables.
+The back yard was in the admired confusion that might be expected from the
+woman's account. Empty casks and hampers were piled and stowed away in all
+directions, while regiments of champagne and other bottles stood and lay
+about among blacking bottles, Seltzer-water bottles, boot-trees,
+bath-bricks, old brushes, and stumpt-up besoms. Several pair of dirty
+top-boots, most of them with the spurs on, were chucked into the shoe-house
+just as they had been taken off. The kitchen, into which our friend now
+entered, was in the same disorderly state. Numerous copper pans stood
+simmering on the charcoal stoves, and the jointless jack still revolved on
+the spit. A dirty slip-shod girl sat sleeping, with her apron thrown over
+her head, which rested on the end of a table. The open door of the
+servants' hall hard by disclosed a pile of dress and other clothes, which,
+after mopping up the ale and other slops, would be carefully folded and
+taken back to the rooms of their respective owners.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image487.jpg" width="300" height="192" alt="DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF NONSUCH HOUSE" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF NONSUCH HOUSE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'Halloo!' cried Mr. Sponge, shaking the sleeping girl by the shoulder,
+which caused her to start up, stare,<a name="Page_488" id="Page_488"></a> and rub her eyes in wild affright.
+'Halloo!' repeated he, 'what's happened you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, beg pardon, sir!' exclaimed she; 'beg pardon,' continued she, clasping
+her hands; 'I'll never do so again, sir; no, sir, I'll never do so again,
+indeed I won't.'</p>
+
+<p>She had just stolen a shape of blanc-mange, and thought she was caught.</p>
+
+<p>'Then show me where I'll find pen and ink and paper,' replied our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sir, I don't know nothin' about them,' replied the girl; 'indeed, sir,
+I don't'; thinking it was some other petty larceny he was inquiring about.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but you can tell me where to find a sheet of paper, surely?'
+rejoined he.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, indeed, sir, I can't,' replied she; 'I know nothin' about nothin' of
+the sort.' Servants never do.</p>
+
+<p>'What sort?' asked Mr. Sponge, wondering at her vehemence.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, sir, about what you said,' sobbed the girl, applying the corner of
+her dirty apron to her eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang it, the girl's mad,' rejoined our friend, brushing by, and making for
+the passage beyond. This brought him past the still-room, the steward's
+room, the housekeeper's room, and the butler's pantry. All were in most
+glorious confusion; in the latter, Captain Cutitfat's lacquer-toed,
+lavender-coloured dress-boots were reposing in the silver soup tureen, and
+Captain Bouncey's varnished pumps were stuffed into a wine-cooler. The last
+detachment of empty bottles stood or lay about the floor, commingling with
+boot-jacks, knife-trays, bath-bricks, coat-brushes, candle-end boxes,
+plates, lanterns, lamp-glasses, oil bottles, corkscrews,
+wine-strainers&mdash;the usual miscellaneous appendages of a butler's pantry.
+All was still and quiet; not a sound, save the loud ticking of a timepiece,
+or the occasional creak of a jarring door, disturbed the solemn silence of
+the house. A nimble-handed mugger or tramp might have carried off whatever
+he liked.</p>
+
+<p>Passing onward, Mr. Sponge came to a red-baized, brass-nailed door, which,
+opening freely on a patent spring, revealed the fine proportions of a light
+picture-gallery <a name="Page_489" id="Page_489"></a>with which the bright mahogany doors of the entertaining
+rooms communicated. Opening the first door he came to, our friend found
+himself in the elegant drawing-room, on whose round bird's-eye-maple table,
+in the centre, were huddled all the unequal-lengthed candles of the
+previous night's illumination. It was a handsome apartment, fitted up in
+the most costly style; with rose-colour brocaded satin damask, the curtains
+trimmed with silk tassel fringe, and ornamented with massive bullion
+tassels on cornices, Cupids supporting wreaths under an arch, with open
+carved-work and enrichments in burnished gold. The room, save the muster of
+the candles, was just as it had been left; and the richly gilt sofa still
+retained the indentations of the sitters, with the luxurious down pillows,
+left as they had been supporting their backs.</p>
+
+<p>The room reeked of tobacco, and the ends and ashes of cigars dotted the
+tables and white marble chimney-piece, and the gilt slabs and the finely
+flowered Tournay carpet, just as the fires of gipsies dot and disfigure the
+fair face of a country. Costly china and nick-nacks of all sorts were
+scattered about in profusion. Altogether, it was a beautiful room.</p>
+
+<p>'No want of money here,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he eyed it, and
+thought what havoc Gustavus James would make among the ornaments if he had
+a chance.</p>
+
+<p>He then looked about for pen, ink, and paper. These were distributed so
+wide apart as to show the little request they were in. Having at length
+succeeded in getting what he wanted gathered together, Mr. Sponge sat down
+on the luxurious sofa, considering how he should address his host, as he
+hoped. Mr. Sponge was not a shy man, but, considering the circumstances
+under which he made Sir Harry Scattercash's acquaintance, together with his
+design upon his hospitality&mdash;above all, considering the crew by whom Sir
+Harry was surrounded&mdash;it required some little tact to pave the way without
+raising the present inmates of the house against him. There are no people
+so anxious to protect others from robbery as those who are robbing them
+themselves. Mr. Sponge thought, and thought, and thought. At last <a name="Page_490" id="Page_490"></a>he
+resolved to write on the subject of the hounds. After sundry attempts on
+pink, blue, and green-tinted paper, he at last succeeded in hitting off the
+following, on yellow:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p>'NONSUCH HOUSE.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Dear sir harry</span>,&mdash;I rode over this morning, hearing you
+were to hunt, and am sorry to find you indisposed. I wish you
+would drop me a line to Mr. Crowdey's, Puddingpote Bower, saying
+when next you go out, as I should much like to have another look
+at your splendid pack before I leave this country, which I fear
+will have to be soon.&mdash;Yours in haste,</p>
+
+<p>'H. SPONGE.</p>
+
+<p>'P.S.&mdash;I hope you all got safe home the other night from Mr.
+Peastraw's.'</p></div>
+
+<p>Having put this into a richly gilt and embossed envelope, our friend
+directed it conspicuously to Sir Harry Scattercash, Bart., and stuck it in
+the centre of the mantelpiece. He then retraced his steps through the back
+regions, informing the sleeping beauty he had before disturbed, and who was
+now busy scouring a pan, that he had left a letter in the drawing-room for
+Sir Harry, and if she would see that he got it, he (Mr. Sponge) would
+remember her the next time he came, which he inwardly hoped would be soon.
+He then made for the stable, and got his horse, to go home, sauntering more
+leisurely along than one would expect of a man who had not got his
+breakfast, especially one riding a hack hunter.</p>
+
+<p>The truth was, Mr. Sponge did not much like the aspect of affairs. Sir
+Harry's was evidently a desperately 'fast' house; added to which, the
+guests by whom he was surrounded were clearly of the wide-awake order, who
+could not spare any pickings for a stranger. Indeed, Mr. Sponge felt that
+they rather cold-shouldered him at Farmer Peastraw's, and were in a greater
+hurry to be off when the drag came, than the mere difference between inside
+and outside seats required. He much questioned whether he got into Sir
+Harry's at all. If it came to a vote, he thought he should not. Then, what
+was he to do? Old Jog was clearly tired of him; and he had <a name="Page_491" id="Page_491"></a>nowhere else to
+go to. The thought made him stick spurs into the chestnut, and hurry home
+to Puddingpote Bower, where he endeavoured to soothe his host by more than
+insinuating that he was going on a visit to Nonsuch House. Jog inwardly
+prayed that he might.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LVII" id="CHAPTER_LVII"></a>CHAPTER LVII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE DEBATE</h3>
+
+
+<p>It was just as Mr. Sponge predicted with regard to his admission to Nonsuch
+House. The first person who spied his note to Sir Harry Scattercash was
+Captain Seedeybuck, who, going into the drawing-room, the day after Mr.
+Sponge's visit, to look for the top of his cigar-case, saw it occupying the
+centre of the mantelpiece. Having mastered its contents, the Captain
+refolded and placed it where he found it, with the simple observation to
+himself of&mdash;'That cock won't fight.'</p>
+
+<p>Captain Quod saw it next, then Captain Bouncey, who told Captain Cutitfat
+what was in it, who agreed with Bouncey that it wouldn't do to have Mr.
+Sponge there.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, it seemed agreed on all hands that their party rather wanted
+weeding than increasing.</p>
+
+<p>Thus, in due time, everybody in the house knew the contents of the note
+save Sir Harry, though none of them thought it worth while telling him of
+it. On the third morning, however, as the party were assembling for
+breakfast, he came into the room reading it.</p>
+
+<p>'This (hiccup) note ought to have been delivered before,' observed he,
+holding it up.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed, my dear,' replied Lady Scattercash, who was sitting gloriously
+fine and very beautiful at the head of the table, 'I don't know anything
+about it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it from?' asked brother Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. (hiccup) Sponge,' replied Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'What a name!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Who is he?' asked Captain Quod.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry; 'he writes to (hiccup) about the hounds.'
+<a name="Page_492" id="Page_492"></a>'Oh, it'll be that brown-booted buffer,' observed Captain Bouncey, 'that
+we left at old Peastraw's.'</p>
+
+<p>'No doubt,' assented Captain Cutitfat, adding, 'what business has he with
+the hounds?'</p>
+
+<p>'He wants to know when we are going to (hiccup) again,' observed Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Does he?' replied Captain Seedeybuck. 'That, I suppose, will depend upon
+Watchorn.'</p>
+
+<p>The party now got settled to breakfast, and as soon as the first burst of
+appetite was appeased, the conversation again turned upon our friend Mr.
+Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Who <i>is</i> this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Bouncey, the billiard-marker,
+with the air of a thorough exclusive.</p>
+
+<p>Nobody answered.</p>
+
+<p>'Who's your friend?' asked he of Sir Harry direct.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry, from between the mouthfuls of a highly
+cayenned grill.</p>
+
+<p>'P'raps a bolting betting-office keeper,' suggested Captain Ladofwax, who
+hated Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'He looks more like a glazier, I think,' retorted Captain Bouncey, with a
+look of defiance at the speaker.</p>
+
+<p>'Lucky if he is one,' retorted Captain Ladofwax, reddening up to the eyes;
+'he may have a chance of repairing somebody's daylights.' The captain
+raising his saucer, to discharge it at his opponent's head.</p>
+
+<p>'Gently with the cheney!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, who was too much used
+to such scenes to care about the belligerents. Bob Spangles caught
+Ladofwax's arm at the nick of time, and saved the saucer.</p>
+
+<p>'Hout! you (hiccup) fellows are always (hiccup)ing,' exclaimed Sir Harry.
+'I declare I'll have you both (hiccup)ed over to keep the peace.'</p>
+
+<p>They then broke out into wordy recrimination and abuse, each declaring that
+he wouldn't stay a day longer in the house if the other remained; but as
+they had often said so before, and still gave no symptoms of going, their
+assertion produced little effect upon anybody. Sir Harry would not have
+cared if all his guests had gone together. Peace and order being at length
+restored, the conversation again turned upon Mr. Sponge.</p><p><a name="Page_493" id="Page_493"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I suppose we must have another (hiccup) hunt soon,' observed Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'In course,' replied Bob Spangles; 'it's no use keeping the hungry brutes
+unless you work them.'</p>
+
+<p>'You'll have a bagman, I presume,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, who did not
+like the trouble of travelling about the country to draw for a fox.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes,' replied Sir Harry; 'Watchorn will manage all that. He's always
+(hiccup) in that line. We'd better have a hunt soon, and then, Mr. (hiccup)
+Bugles, you can see it.' Sir Harry addressing himself to a gentleman he was
+as anxious to get rid of as Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was to get rid of Mr.
+Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'No; Mr. Bugles won't go out any more,' replied Lady Scattercash
+peremptorily. 'He was nearly killed last time'; her ladyship casting an
+angry glance at her husband, and a very loving one on the object of her
+solicitude.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, nought's never in danger!' observed Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'Then <i>you</i> can go, Bob,' snapped his sister.</p>
+
+<p>'I intend,' replied Bob.</p>
+
+<p>'Then (hiccup), gentlemen, I think I'll just write this Mr. (hiccup)
+What's-his-name to (hiccup) over here,' observed Sir Harry, 'and then he'll
+be ready for the (hiccup) hunt whenever we choose to (hiccup) one.'</p>
+
+<p>The proposition fell still-born among the party.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't you think we can do without him?' at last suggested Captain
+Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I</i> think so,' observed the elder Spangles, without looking up from his
+plate.</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it?' asked Lady Scattercash.</p>
+
+<p>'The man that was here the other morning&mdash;the man in the queer
+chestnut-coloured boots,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I think he's rather good-looking; I vote we have him,' replied her
+ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>That was rather a damper for Sir Harry; but upon reflection, he thought he
+could not be worse off with Mr. Sponge and Mr. Bugles than he was with Mr.
+Bugles alone; so, having finished a poor appetiteless breakfast,<a name="Page_494" id="Page_494"></a> he
+repaired to what he called his 'study,' and with a feeble, shaky hand,
+scrawled an invitation to Mr. Sponge to come over to Nonsuch House, and
+take his chance of a run with his hounds. He then sealed and posted the
+letter without further to do.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LVIII" id="CHAPTER_LVIII"></a>CHAPTER LVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>FACEY ROMFORD</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image494.jpg" width="200" height="197" alt="MR. FACEY ROMFORD" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. FACEY ROMFORD</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>our days had now elapsed since Mr. Sponge penned his overture to Sir
+Harry, and each succeeding day satisfied him more of the utter
+impossibility of holding on much longer in his then billet at Puddingpote
+Bower. Not only was Jog coarse and incessant in his hints to him to be off,
+but Jawleyford-like he had lowered the standard of entertainment so
+greatly, that if it hadn't been that Mr. Sponge had his servant and horses
+kept also, he might as well have been living at his own expense. The
+company lights were all extinguished; great, strong-smelling,
+cauliflower-headed moulds, that were always wanting snuffing, usurped the
+place of Belmont wax; napkins were withdrawn; second-hand table-cloths
+introduced; marsala did duty for sherry; and the stickjaw pudding assumed a
+consistency that was almost incompatible with articulation.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of this time Sponge wrote to Puffington, saying if he was
+better he would return and finish his visit; but the wary Puff sent a
+messenger off express with a note, lamenting that he was ordered to Handley
+Cross for his health, but 'pop'lar man' like, hoping that the pleasure of
+Sponge's company was only deferred for another season. Jawleyford, even
+Sponge thought hopeless; and, altogether, he was very much perplexed. He
+had made a little money certainly, with his horses; but a permanent
+investment of his elegant person, such as<a name="Page_495" id="Page_495"></a> he had long been on the look-out
+for, seemed as far off as ever. On the afternoon of the fifth day, as he
+was taking a solitary stroll about the country, having about made up his
+mind to be off to town, just as he was crossing Jog's buttercup meadow on
+his way to the stable, a rapid bang! bang! caused him to start, and,
+looking over the hedge, he saw a brawny-looking sportsman in brown
+reloading his gun, with a brace of liver-and-white setters crouching like
+statues in the stubble.</p>
+
+<p>'Seek dead!' presently said the shooter, with a slight wave of his hand;
+and in an instant each dog was picking up his bird.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll have a word with you,' said Sponge, 'on and off-ing' the hedge, his
+beat causing the shooter to start and look as if inclined for a run; second
+thoughts said Sponge was too near, and he'd better brave it.</p>
+
+<p>'What sport?' asked Sponge, striding towards him.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, pretty middling,' replied the shooter, a great red-headed, freckly
+faced fellow, with backward-lying whiskers, crowned in a drab rustic. 'Oh,
+pretty middling,' repeated he, not knowing whether to act on the friendly
+or defensive.</p>
+
+<p>'Fine day!' said Sponge, eyeing his fox-maskey whiskers and stout, muscular
+frame.</p>
+
+<p>'It is,' replied the shooter; adding, 'just followed my birds over the
+boundary. No 'fence, I s'pose&mdash;no 'fence.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no,' said Mr. Sponge. 'Jog, I dessay, 'll be very glad to see you.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you'll be Mr. Sponge?' observed the stranger, jumping to a conclusion.</p>
+
+<p>'I am,' replied our hero; adding, 'may I ask who I have the honour of
+addressing?'</p>
+
+<p>'My name's Romford&mdash;Charley Romford; everybody knows me. Very glad to make
+your 'quaintance,' tendering Sponge a great, rough, heavy hand. 'I was
+goin' to call upon you,' observed the stranger, as he ceased swinging
+Sponge's arm to and fro like a pump-handle; 'I was goin' to call upon you,
+to see if you'd come over to Washingforde, and have some shootin' at me
+Oncle's&mdash;Oncle Gilroy's, at Queercove Hill.'</p><p><a name="Page_496" id="Page_496"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Most happy!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking it was the very thing he wanted.</p>
+
+<p>'Get a day with the harriers, too, if you like,' continued the shooter,
+increasing the temptation.</p>
+
+<p>'Better still!' thought Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'I've only bachelor 'commodation to offer you; but p'raps you'll not mind
+roughing it a bit?' observed Romford.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, faith, not I!' replied Sponge, thinking of the luxuries of
+Puffington's bachelor habitation. 'What sort of stables have you?' asked
+our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Capital stables&mdash;excellent stables!' replied the shooter; 'stalls six feet
+in the clear, by twelve dip (deep), iron racks, oak stall-posts covered
+with zinc, beautiful oats, capital beans, splendacious hay&mdash;won without a
+shower!'</p>
+
+<p>'Bravo!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking he had lit on his legs, and might snap
+his fingers at Jog and his hints. He'd take the high hand, and give Jog up.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm your man!' said Sponge, in high glee.</p>
+
+<p>'When will you come?' asked Romford.</p>
+
+<p>'To-morrow!' replied Sponge firmly.</p>
+
+<p>'So be it,' rejoined his proffered host; and, with another hearty swing of
+the arm, the newly made friends parted.</p>
+
+<p>Charley Romford, or Facey, as he was commonly called, from his being the
+admitted most impudent man in the country, was a great, round-faced,
+coarse-featured, prize-fighting sort of fellow, who lived chiefly by his
+wits, which he exercised in all the legitimate lines of industry&mdash;poaching,
+betting, boxing, horse-dealing, cards, quoits&mdash;anything that came
+uppermost. That he was a man of enterprise, we need hardly add, when he had
+formed a scheme for doing our Sponge&mdash;a man that we do not think any of our
+readers would trouble themselves to try a 'plant' upon.</p>
+
+<p>This impudent Facey, as if in contradiction of terms, was originally
+intended for a civil engineer; but having early in life voted himself heir
+to his uncle, Mr. Gilroy, of Queercove Hill, a great cattle-jobber, with a
+'small independence of his own'&mdash;three hundred a year, perhaps, <a name="Page_497" id="Page_497"></a>which a
+kind world called six&mdash;Facey thought he would just hang about until his
+uncle was done with his shoes, and then be lord of Queercove Hill.</p>
+
+<p>Now, 'me Oncle Gilroy,' of whom Facey was constantly talking, had a
+left-handed wife and promising family in the sylvan retirement of St.
+John's Wood, whither he used to retire after his business in 'Smi'fiel''
+was over; so that Facey, for once, was out in his calculations. Gilroy,
+however, being as knowing as 'his nevvey,' as he called him, just
+encouraged Facey in his shooting, fishing, and idle propensities generally,
+doubtless finding it more convenient to have his fish and game for nothing
+than to pay for them.</p>
+
+<p>Facey, having the apparently inexhaustible sum of a thousand pounds, began
+life as a fox-hunter&mdash;in a very small way, to be sure&mdash;more for the purpose
+of selling horses than anything else; but, having succeeded in 'doing' all
+the do-able gentlemen, both with the 'Tip and Go' and Cranerfield hounds,
+his occupation was gone, it requiring an extended field&mdash;such as our friend
+Sponge roamed&mdash;to carry on cheating in horses for any length of time. Facey
+was soon blown, his name in connexion with a horse being enough to prevent
+any one looking at him. Indeed, we question that there is any less
+desirable mode of making, or trying to make money, than by cheating or even
+dealing in horses. Many people fancy themselves cheated, whatever they get;
+while the man who is really cheated never forgets it, and proclaims it to
+the end of time. Moreover, no one can go on cheating in horses for any
+length of time, without putting himself in the power of his groom; and let
+those who have seen how servants lord it over each other say how they would
+like to subject themselves to similar treatment.&mdash;But to our story.</p>
+
+<p>Facey Romford had now a splendid milk-white horse, well-known in Mr.
+Nobbington's and Lord Leader's hunts as Mr. Hobler, but who Facey kindly
+rechristened the 'Nonpareil,' which the now rising price of oats, and
+falling state of his finances, made him particularly anxious to get rid of,
+ere the horse performed the equestrian feat of 'eating its head off.' He
+was a very <a name="Page_498" id="Page_498"></a>hunter-like looking horse, but his misfortune consisted in
+having such shocking seedy toes, that he couldn't keep his shoes on. If he
+got through the first field with them on, they were sure to be off at the
+fence. This horse Facey voted to be the very thing for Mr. Sponge, and
+hearing that he had come into the country to hunt, it occurred to him that
+it would be a capital thing if he could get him to take Mother Overend's
+spare bed and lodge with him, twelve shillings a week being more than Facey
+liked paying for his rooms. Not that he paid twelve shillings for the rooms
+alone; on the contrary, he had a two-stalled stable, with a sort of kennel
+for his pointers, and a sty for his pig into the bargain. This pig, which
+was eaten many times in anticipation, had at length fallen a victim to the
+butcher, and Facey's larder was uncommonly well found in black-puddings,
+sausages, spare ribs, and the other component parts of a pig: so that he
+was in very hospitable circumstances&mdash;at least, in his rough and ready idea
+of what hospitality ought to be. Indeed, whether he had or not, he'd have
+risked it, being quite as good at carrying things off with a high hand as
+Mr. Sponge himself.</p>
+
+<p>The invitation came most opportunely; for, worn out with jealousy and
+watching, Jog had made up his mind to cut to Australia, and when Sponge
+returned after meeting Facey, Jog was in the act of combing out an
+advertisement, offering all that desirable sporting residence called
+Puddingpote Bower, with the coach-house, stables, and offices thereunto
+belonging, to let, and announcing that the whole of the valuable household
+furniture, comprising mahogany, dining, loo, card, and Pembroke tables;
+sofa, couch, and chairs in hair seating; cheffonier, with plate glass;
+book-case; flower-stands; pianoforte, by Collard and Collard; music-stool
+and Canterbury; chimney and pier-glasses; mirror; ormolu time-piece;
+alabaster and wax figures and shades; china; Brussels carpets and rugs;
+fenders and fire-irons; curtains and cornices; Venetian blinds; mahogany
+four-post, French, and camp bedsteads; feather beds; hair mattresses;
+mahogany chests of drawers; dressing-glasses; wash and dressing-tables;
+<a name="Page_499" id="Page_499"></a>patent shower-bath; bed and table-linen; dinner and tea-ware;
+warming-pans, &amp;c., would be exposed to immediate and unreserved sale.</p>
+
+<p>How gratefully Sponge's inquiry if he knew Mr. Romford fell on his ear, as
+they sat moodily together after dinner over some very low-priced port.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh yes (puff)&mdash;oh yes (wheeze)&mdash;oh yes (gasp)! Know Charley
+Romford&mdash;Facey, as they call him. He's (puff, wheeze, gasp) heir to old Mr.
+Gilroy, of Queercove Hill.'</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' rejoined Sponge, 'just so; that's the man&mdash;stout, square-built
+fellow, with backward-growing whiskers. I'm going to stay with him to shoot
+at old Gil's. Where does Charley live?'</p>
+
+<p>'Live!' exclaimed Jog, almost choked with delight at the information;
+'live! live!' repeated he, for the third time; 'lives at (puff, wheeze,
+gasp, cough) Washingforde&mdash;yes, at Washingforde; 'bout ten miles from
+(puff, wheeze) here. When d'ye go?'</p>
+
+<p>'To-morrow,' replied Sponge, with an air of offended dignity.</p>
+
+<p>Jog was so rejoiced that he could hardly sit on his chair.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jog, when she heard it, felt that Gustavus James's chance of
+independence was gone; for well she knew that Jog would never let Sponge
+come back to the Bower.</p>
+
+<p>We need scarcely say that Jog was up betimes in the morning, most anxious
+to forward Mr. Sponge's departure. He offered to allow Bartholomew to
+convey him and his 'traps' in the phaeton&mdash;an offer that Mr. Sponge availed
+himself of as far as his 'traps' were concerned, though he preferred
+cantering over on his piebald to trailing along in Jog's jingling chay. So
+matters were arranged, and Mr. Sponge forthwith proceeded to put his brown
+boots, his substantial cords, his superfine tights, his cuttey scarlet, his
+dress blue saxony, his clean linen, his heavy spurs, and though last, not
+least in importance, his now backless <i>Mogg</i>, into his solid leather
+portmanteau, sweeping the surplus of his wardrobe into a capacious
+carpet-bag. While the guest was thus busy upstairs, the host wandered about
+restlessly, now stirring up this person, now hurrying that, in the full
+enjoyment of the much-coveted departure. His <a name="Page_500" id="Page_500"></a>pleasure was, perhaps, rather
+damped by a running commentary he overheard through the lattice-window of
+the stable, from Leather, as he stripped his horses and tried to roll up
+their clothing in a moderate compass.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot your great carcass!' exclaimed he, giving the roll a hearty kick
+in its bulging-out stomach, on finding that he had not got it as small as
+he wanted. ''Ord rot your great carcass,' repeated he, scratching his head
+and eyeing it as it lay; 'this is all the consequence of your nasty
+brewers' hapron weshins&mdash;blowin' of one out, like a bladder!' and,
+thereupon, he placed his hand on his stomach to feel how his own was.
+'Never see'd sich a house, or sich an awful mean man!' continued he,
+stooping and pommelling the package with his fists. It was of no use, he
+could not get it as small as he wished&mdash;'Must have my jacket out on you, I
+do believe,' added he, seeing where the impediment was; 'sticks in your
+gizzard just like a lump of old Puff-and-blow's puddin''; and then he
+thrust his hand into the folds of the clothing, and pulled out the greasy
+garment. 'Now,' said he, stooping again, 'I think we may manish ye'; and he
+took the roll in his arms and hoisted it on to Hercules, whom he meant to
+make the led horse, observing aloud, as he adjusted it on the saddle, and
+whacked it well with his hands to make it lie right, 'I wish it was old
+Jog&mdash;wouldn't I sarve him out!' He then turned his horses round in their
+stalls, tucked his greasy jacket under the flap of the saddle-bags, took
+his ash-stick from the crook, and led them out of the capacious door. Jog
+looked at him with mingled feelings of disgust and delight. Leather just
+gave his old hat flipe a rap with his forefinger as he passed with the
+horses&mdash;a salute that Jog did not condescend to return.</p>
+
+<p>Having eyed the receding horses with great satisfaction, Jog re-entered the
+house by the kitchens, to have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Sponge off. He
+found the portmanteau and carpet-bag standing in the passage, and just at
+the moment the sound of the phaeton wheels fell on his ear, as Bartholomew
+drove round from the coach-house to the door. Mr. Sponge was already in
+<a name="Page_501" id="Page_501"></a>the parlour, making his adieus to Mrs. Jog and the children, who were all
+assembled for the purpose.</p>
+
+<p>'What, are you goin'?' (puff) asked Jog, with an air of surprise.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge; adding, as he tendered his hand, 'the best
+friends must part, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well (puff), but you'd better have your (wheeze) horse round,' observed
+Jog, anxious to avoid any overture for a return.</p>
+
+<p>'Thankee,' replied Mr. Sponge, making a parting bow; 'I'll get him at the
+stable.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'll go with you,' said Jog, leading the way.</p>
+
+<p>Leather had saddled, and bridled, and turned him round in the stall, with
+one of Mr. Jog's blanket-rugs on, which Mr. Sponge just swept over his tail
+into the manger, and led the horse out.</p>
+
+<p>'Adieu!' said he, offering his hand to his host.</p>
+
+<p>'Good-bye!&mdash;good (puff) sport to you,' said Jog, shaking it heartily.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then mounted his hack, and cocking out his toe, rode off at a
+canter.</p>
+
+<p>At the same moment, Bartholomew drove away from the front door; and Jog,
+having stood watching the phaeton over the rise of Pennypound Hill, scraped
+his feet, re-entered his house, and rubbing them heartily on the mat as he
+closed the sash-door, observed aloud to himself, with a jerk of his head:</p>
+
+<p>'Well, now, that's the most (puff) impittent feller I ever saw in my life!
+Catch me (gasp) godpapa-hunting again.'</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LIX" id="CHAPTER_LIX"></a>CHAPTER LIX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE ADJOURNED DEBATE</h3>
+
+
+<p>The fatal invitation to Mr. Sponge having been sent, the question that now
+occupied the minds of the assembled sharpers at Nonsuch House, was, whether
+he was a pigeon or one of themselves. That point occupied their very deep
+and serious consideration. If he was a 'pigeon,' they could clearly
+accommodate him, <a name="Page_502" id="Page_502"></a>but if, on the other hand, he was one of themselves, it
+was painfully apparent that there were far too many of them there already.
+Of course, the subject was not discussed in full and open conclave&mdash;they
+were all highly honourable men in the gross&mdash;and it was only in the small
+and secret groups of those accustomed to hunt together and unburden their
+minds, that the real truth was elicited.</p>
+
+<p>'What an ass Sir Harry is, to ask this Mr. Sponge,' observed Captain Quod
+to Captain Seedeybuck, as (cigar in mouth) they paced backwards and
+forwards under the flagged veranda on the west side of the house, on the
+morning that Sir Harry had announced his intention of asking him.</p>
+
+<p>'Confounded ass,' assented Seedeybuck, from between the whiffs of his
+cigar.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash it! one would think he had more money than he knew what to do with,'
+observed the first speaker, 'instead of not knowing where to lay hands on a
+halfpenny.'</p>
+
+<p>'Soon be who-hoop,' here observed Quod, with a shake of the head.</p>
+
+<p>'Fear so,' replied Seedeybuck. 'Have you heard anything fresh?'</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing particular. The County Court bailiff was here with some summonses,
+which, of course, he put in the fire.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah! that's what he always does. He got tired of papering the smoking-room
+with them,' replied Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, it's a pity,' observed Quod, spitting as he spoke; 'but what can you
+expect, eaten up as he is by such a set of rubbish.'</p>
+
+<p>'Shockin',' replied Seedeybuck, thinking how long he and his friend might
+have fattened there together.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you know anything of this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Quod, after a
+pause.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothin',' replied Seedeybuck, 'except what we saw of him here; but I'm
+sure he won't do.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I think not either,' replied Quod; 'I didn't like his looks&mdash;he
+seems quite one of the free-and-easy sort.'</p><p><a name="Page_503" id="Page_503"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Quite,' observed Seedeybuck, determined to make a set against him, instead
+of cultivating his acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p>'This Mr. Sponge won't be any great addition to our party, I think,'
+muttered Captain Bouncey to Captain Cutitfat, as they stood within the bay
+of the library window, in apparent contemplation of the cows, but in
+reality conning the Sponge matter over in their minds.</p>
+
+<p>'I think not,' replied Captain Cutitfat, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'Wonder what made Sir Harry ask him!' whispered Bouncey, adding, aloud, for
+the bystanders to hear, 'That's a fine cow, isn't it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Very,' replied Cutitfat, in the same key, adding, in a whisper, with a
+shrug of his shoulders, 'Wonder what made him ask half the people that are
+here!'</p>
+
+<p>'The black and white one isn't a bad un,' observed Bouncey, nodding his
+head towards the cows, adding in an undertone, 'Most of them asked
+themselves, I should think.'</p>
+
+<p>'Admiring the cows. Captain Bouncey?' asked the beautiful and tolerably
+virtuous Miss Glitters, of the Astley's Royal Amphitheatre, who had come
+down to spend a few days with her old friend, Lady Scattercash. 'Admiring
+the cows, Captain Bouncey?' asked she, sidling her elegant figure between
+our friends in the bay.</p>
+
+<p>'We were just saying how nice it would be to have two or three pretty
+girls, and a sillabub, under those cedars,' replied Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, charming!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, her dark eyes sparkling as she
+spoke. 'Harriet!' exclaimed she, addressing herself to a young lady, who
+called herself Howard, but whose real name was Brown&mdash;Jane
+Brown&mdash;'Harriet!' exclaimed she, 'Captain Bouncey is going to give a <i>f&ecirc;te
+champ&ecirc;tre</i> under those lovely cedars.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, how nice!' exclaimed Harriet, clapping her hands in
+ecstasies&mdash;theatrical ecstasies at least.</p>
+
+<p>'It must be Sir Harry,' replied the billiard-table man, not fancying being
+'let in' for anything.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! Sir Harry will let us have anything we like, I'm sure,' rejoined Miss
+Glitters.</p>
+
+
+<p>'What is it (hiccup)?' asked Sir Harry, who, hearing his name, now joined
+the party.</p><p><a name="Page_504" id="Page_504"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Oh, we want you to give us a dance under those charming cedars,' replied
+the lady, looking lovingly at him.</p>
+
+<p>'Cedars!' hiccuped Sir Harry, 'where do you see any cedars?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why there,' replied Miss Glitters, nodding towards a clump of evergreens.</p>
+
+<p>'Those are (hiccup) hollies,' replied Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 277px;">
+<img src="images/image504.jpg" width="277" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Well, under the hollies,' rejoined Miss Glitters; adding, 'it was Captain
+Bouncey who said they were cedars.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, I meant those beyond,' observed the captain, nodding in another
+direction.</p>
+
+<p>'Those are (hiccup) Scotch firs,' rejoined Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind what they are,' resumed the lady; 'let us have a dance
+under them.'</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly,' replied Sir Harry, who was always ready for anything. <a name="Page_505" id="Page_505"></a>'We
+shall have plenty of partners,' observed Miss Howard, recollecting how many
+men there were in the house.</p>
+
+<p>'And another coming,' observed Captain Cutitfat, still fretting at the
+idea.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Miss Howard, raising her hands and eyebrows in delight;
+'and who is he?' asked she, with unfeigned glee.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh such a (hiccup) swell,' replied Sir Harry; 'reg'lar Leicestershire man.
+A (hiccup) Quornite, in fact.'</p>
+
+<p>'We'll not have the dance till he comes, then,' observed Miss Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'No more we will,' said Miss Howard, withdrawing from the group.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LX" id="CHAPTER_LX"></a>CHAPTER LX</h2>
+
+<h3>FACEY ROMFORD AT HOME</h3>
+
+
+<p>We will now suppose our distinguished Sponge entering the village, or what
+the natives call the town of Washingforde, towards the close of a short
+December day, on his arrival from Mr. Jog's.</p>
+
+<p>'What sort of stables are there?' asked he, reining up his hack, as he
+encountered the brandy-nosed Leather airing himself on the main street.</p>
+
+<p>'Stables be good enough&mdash;forage, too,' replied the stud groom&mdash;'<i>per</i>-wided
+you likes the sittivation.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the sittivation 'll be good enough,' retorted Sponge, thinking that,
+groom-like, Leather was grumbling because he hadn't got the best stables.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, sir, as you please,' replied the man.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, where are they?' asked Sponge, seeing there was more in Leather's
+manner than met the eye.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Rose and Crown!</i>' replied Leather, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'Rose and Crown!' exclaimed Sponge, starting in his saddle; 'Rose and
+Crown! Why, I'm going to stay with Mr. Romford!'</p>
+
+<p>'So he said.' replied Leather; 'so he said. I met him as I com'd in with
+the osses, and said he to me, said he, "You'll find captle quarters at the
+Crown!"' <a name="Page_506" id="Page_506"></a>'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, dropping the reins on his
+hack's neck; 'the deuce!' repeated he with a look of disgust. 'Why, where
+does he live?'</p>
+
+<p>''Bove the saddler's, thonder,' replied Leather, nodding to a small
+bow-windowed white house a little lower down, with the gilt-lettered words:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">OVEREND,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">SADDLER AND HARNESS-MAKER TO THE QUEEN,<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>above a very meagrely stocked shop.</p>
+
+<p>'The devil!' replied Mr. Sponge, boiling up as he eyed the cottage-like
+dimensions of the place.</p>
+
+<p>The dialogue was interrupted by a sledge-hammer-like blow on Sponge's back,
+followed by such a proffered hand as could proceed from none but his host.</p>
+
+<p>'Glad to see ye!' exclaimed Facey, swinging Sponge's arm to and fro. 'Get
+off!' continued he, half dragging him down, 'and let's go in; for it's
+beastly cold, and dinner'll be ready in no time!'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, he led the captive Sponge down street, like a prisoner, by the
+arm, and, opening the thin house-door, pushed him up a very straight
+staircase into a little low cabin-like room, hung with boxing-gloves,
+foils, and pictures of fighters and ballet girls.</p>
+
+<p>'Glad to see ye!' again said Facey, poking the diminutive fire. 'Axed Nosey
+Nickel and Gutty Weazel to meet you,' continued he, looking at the little
+'dinner-for-two' table; 'but Nosey's gone wrong in a tooth, and Gutty's
+away sweetheartin'. However, we'll be very cosy and jolly together; and if
+you want to wash your hands, or anything afore dinner, I'll show you your
+bedroom,' continued he, backing Sponge across the staircase landing to
+where a couple of little black doors opened into rooms, formed by dividing
+what had been the duplicate of the sitting-room into two.</p>
+
+<p>'There!' exclaimed Facey, pointing to Sponge's portmanteau and bag,
+standing midway between the window and door: 'There! there are your traps.
+Yonder's the washhand-stand. You can put your shavin'-things on the chair
+below the lookin'-glass 'gainst the wall,' pointing to a fragment of glass
+nailed <a name="Page_507" id="Page_507"></a>against the stencilled wall, all of which Sponge stood eyeing with
+a mingled air of resignation and contempt; but when Facey pointed to:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The chest, contrived a double debt to pay&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and said that was where Sponge would have to curl himself up, our friend
+shook his head, and declared he could not.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, fiddle!' replied Facey, 'Jack Weatherley slept in it for months, and
+he's half a hand higher than you&mdash;sixteen hands, if he's an inch.' And
+Sponge jerked his head and bit his lips, thinking he was 'done' for once.</p>
+
+<p>'W-h-o-y, ar thought you'd been a fox-hunter,' observed Facey, seeing his
+guest's disconcerted look.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but bein' a fox-hunter won't enable one to sleep in a band-box, or
+to shut one's-self up like a telescope,' retorted the indignant Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord hang it, man! you're so nasty partickler,' rejoined Facey; 'you're so
+nasty partickler. You'll never do to go out duck-shootin' i' your shirt.
+Dash it, man! Oncle Gilroy would disinherit me if ar was such a chap.
+However, look sharp,' continued he, 'if you are goin' to clean yourself;
+for dinner 'll be ready in no time, indeed, I hear Mrs. End dishin' it up.'
+So saying, Facey rolled out of the room, and Sponge presently heard him
+pulling off his clogs of shoes in the adjoining one. Dinner spoke for
+itself, for the house reeked with the smell of fried onions and roast pork.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Sponge didn't like pork; and there was nothing but pork, or pig in one
+shape or another. Spare ribs, liver and bacon, sausages, black puddings,
+&amp;c.&mdash;all very good in their way, but which came with a bad grace after the
+comforts of Jog's, the elegance of Puffington's, and the early splendour of
+Jawleyford's. Our hero was a good deal put out, and felt as if he was
+imposed upon. What business had a man like this to ask him to stay with
+him&mdash;a man who dined by daylight, and ladled his meat with a great
+two-pronged fork?</p>
+
+<p>Facey, though he saw Mr. Sponge wasn't pleased, praised and pressed
+everything in succession down to <a name="Page_508" id="Page_508"></a>a very strong cheese; and as the
+slip-shod girl whisked away crumbs and all in the coarse tablecloth, he
+exclaimed in a most open-hearted air, 'Well, now, what shall we have to
+drink?' adding, 'You smoke, of course&mdash;shall it be gin, rum, or
+Hollands&mdash;Hollands, rum, or gin?'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge was half inclined to propose wine, but recollecting what sloe-juice
+sort of stuff it was sure to be, and that Facey, in all probability, would
+make him finish it, he just replied, 'Oh, I don't care; 'spose we say gin?'</p>
+
+<p>'Gin be it,' said Facey, rising from his seat, and making for a little
+closet in the wall, he produced a bottle labelled 'Fine London Spirit';
+and, hallooing to the girl to get a few 'Captins' out of the box under his
+bed, he scattered a lot of glasses about the table, and placed a green
+dessert-dish for the biscuits against they came.</p>
+
+<p>Night had now closed in&mdash;a keen, boisterous, wintry night, making the
+pocketful of coals that ornamented the grate peculiarly acceptable.</p>
+
+<p>'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' exclaimed Facey, as a blash of sleet dashed
+across the window as if some one had thrown a handful of pebbles against
+it. 'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' repeated he, rising and closing the
+shutters, and letting down the little scanty red curtain. 'Let us draw in
+and have a hot brew,' continued he, stirring the fire under the kettle, and
+handing a lot of cigars out of the table-drawer. They then sat smoking and
+sipping, and smoking and sipping, each making a mental estimate of the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>'Shall we have a game at cards? or what shall we do to pass the evenin'?'
+at length asked our host. 'Better have a game at cards, p'raps,' continued
+he.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank'ee, no; thank'ee, no. I've a book in my pocket,' replied Sponge,
+diving into his jacket-pocket; adding, as he fished up his <i>Mogg</i>, 'always
+carry a book of light reading about with me.'</p>
+
+<p>'What, you're a literary cove, are you?' asked Facey, in a tone of
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p>'Not exactly that,' replied Sponge; 'but I like to improve my mind.' He
+then opened the valuable work, taking a dip into the Omnibus
+Guide&mdash;'Brentford, 7 from Hyde Park Corner&mdash;European Coffee House, near
+<a name="Page_509" id="Page_509"></a>the Bank, daily,' and so worked his way on through the 'Brighton Railway
+Station, Brixton, Bromley both in Kent and Middlesex, Bushey Heath,
+Camberwell, Camden Town, and Carshalton,' right into Cheam, when Facey, who
+had been eyeing him intently, not at all relishing his style of proceeding
+and wishing to be doing, suddenly exclaimed, as he darted up:</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 269px;">
+<img src="images/image509.jpg" width="269" height="300" alt="FACEY ROMFORD TREATS SPONGE TO A LITTLE MUSIC" title="" />
+<span class="caption">FACEY ROMFORD TREATS SPONGE TO A LITTLE MUSIC</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>'B-o-y Jove! You've not heard me play the flute! No more you have. Dash it,
+how remiss!' continued he, making for the little bookshelf on which it lay;
+adding, as he blew into it and sucked the joints, 'you're musical, of
+course?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I can stand music,' muttered Sponge, with a jerk of his head, as if a
+tune was neither here nor there with him.</p>
+
+<p>'By Jingo! you should see me Oncle Gilroy when <a name="Page_510" id="Page_510"></a>a'rm playin'! The old man
+act'ly sheds tears of delight&mdash;he's so pleased.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' replied Sponge, now passing on into <i>Mogg's Cab
+Fares</i>&mdash;'Aldersgate Street, Hare Court, to or from Bagnigge Wells,' and so
+on, when Facey struck up the most squeaking, discordant, broken-winded</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Jump Jim Crow'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>that ever was heard, making the sensitive Sponge shudder, and setting all
+his teeth on edge.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang me, but that flute of yours wants nitre, or a dose of physic, or
+something most dreadful!' at length exclaimed he, squeezing up his face as
+if in the greatest agony, as the laboured:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Jump about and wheel about'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>completely threw Sponge over in his calculation as to what he could ride
+from Aldgate Pump to the Pied Bull at Islington for.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh no!' replied Facey, with an air of indifference, as he took off the end
+and jerked out the steam. 'Oh no&mdash;only wants work&mdash;only wants work,' added
+he, putting it together again, exclaiming, as he looked at the now sulky
+Sponge, 'Well, what shall it be?'</p>
+
+<p>'Whatever you please,' replied our friend, dipping frantically into his
+<i>Mogg</i>.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, I'll play you me oncle's favourite tune, "The Merry Swiss
+Boy,"' whereupon Facey set to most vigorously with that once most popular
+air. It, however, came off as rustily as 'Jim Crow,' for whose feats Facey
+evidently had a partiality; for no sooner did he get squeaked through 'me
+oncle's' tune than he returned to the nigger melody with redoubled zeal,
+and puffed and blew Sponge's calculations as to what he could ride from
+'Mother Redcap's at Camden Town down Liquorpond Street, up Snow Hill, and
+so on, to the 'Angel' in Ratcliff Highway for, clean out of his head. Nor
+did there seem any prospect of relief, for no sooner did Facey get through
+one tune than he at the other again.</p>
+
+<p>'Rot it!' at length exclaimed Sponge, throwing his <i>Mogg</i> from him in
+despair, 'you'll deafen me with that abominable noise.' <a name="Page_511" id="Page_511"></a>'Bless my heart!'
+exclaimed Facey, in well-feigned surprise, 'Bless my heart! Why, I thought
+you liked music, my dear feller!' adding, 'I was playin' to please you.'</p>
+
+<p>'The deuce you were!' snapped Mr. Sponge. 'I wish I'd known sooner: I'd
+have saved you a deal of wind.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, my dear feller,' replied Facey, 'I wished to entertain you the best
+in my power. One must do somethin', you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'I'd rather do anything than undergo that horrid noise,' replied Sponge,
+ringing his left ear with his forefinger.</p>
+
+<p>'Let's have a game at cards, then,' rejoined Facey soothingly, seeing he
+had sufficiently agonized Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Cards,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'Cards,' repeated he thoughtfully, stroking
+his hairy chin. 'Cards,' added he, for the third time, as he conned Facey's
+rotund visage, and wondered if he was a sharper. If the cards were fair,
+Sponge didn't care trying his luck. It all depended upon that. 'Well,' said
+he, in a tone of indifference, as he picked up his <i>Mogg</i>, thinking he
+wouldn't pay if he lost, 'I'll give you a turn. What shall it be?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;w-h-o-y&mdash;s'pose we say <i>&eacute;cart&eacute;</i>?' replied Facey, in an off-hand sort
+of way.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' drawled Sponge, pocketing his <i>Mogg</i>, preparatory to action.</p>
+
+<p>'You haven't a clean pack, have you?' asked Sponge, as Facey, diving into a
+drawer, produced a very dirty, thumb-marked set.</p>
+
+<p>'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't,' replied Facey. 'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't: but,
+honour bright, these are all right and fair. Wouldn't cheat a man, if it
+was ever so.'</p>
+
+<p>'Sure you wouldn't,' replied Sponge, nothing comforted by the assertion.</p>
+
+<p>They then resumed their seats opposite each other at the little table, with
+the hot water and sugar, and 'Fine London Spirit' bottle equitably placed
+between them.</p>
+
+<p>At first Mr. Sponge was the victor, and by nine o'clock had scored
+eight-and-twenty shillings against his host, when he was inclined to leave
+off, alleging that he was an early man, and would go to bed&mdash;an arrangement
+that Facey seemed to come into, only pressing Sponge to accompany the gin
+he was now helping himself to with <a name="Page_512" id="Page_512"></a>another cigar. This seemed all fair and
+reasonable; and as Sponge conned matters over, through the benign influence
+of the ''baccy,' he really thought Facey mightn't be such a bad beggar
+after all.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then,' said he, as he finished cigar and glass together, 'if you'll
+give me eight-and-twenty bob, I'll be off to Bedfordshire.'</p>
+
+<p>'You'll give me my revenge surely!' exclaimed Facey, in pretended
+astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>'To-morrow night,' replied Sponge firmly, thinking it would have to go hard
+with him if he remained there to give it.</p>
+
+<p>'Nay, <i>now</i>!' rejoined Facey, adding, 'it's quite early. Me Oncle Gilroy
+and I always play much later at Queercove Hill.'</p>
+
+<p>Sponge hesitated. If he had got the money, he would have refused
+point-blank; as it was, he thought, perhaps the only chance of getting it
+was to go on. With no small reluctance and misgivings he mixed himself
+another tumbler of gin and water, and, changing seats, resumed the game.
+Nor was our discreet friend far wrong in his calculations, for luck now
+changed, and Facey seemed to have the king quite at command. In less than
+an hour he had not only wiped off the eight-and-twenty shillings, but had
+scored three pound fifteen against his guest. Facey would now leave off.
+Sponge, on the other hand, wanted to go on. Facey, however, was firm. 'I'll
+cut you double or quits, then,' cried Sponge, in rash despair. Facey
+accommodated him and doubled the debt.</p>
+
+<p>'Again!' exclaimed Sponge, with desperate energy.</p>
+
+<p>'No! no more, thank ye,' replied Facey coolly. 'Fair play's a jewel.'</p>
+
+<p>'So it is,' assented Mr. Sponge, thinking he hadn't had it.</p>
+
+<p>'Now,' continued Facey, poking into the table-drawer and producing a dirty
+scrap of paper, with a little pocket ink-case, 'if you'll give me an
+"I.O.U.," we'll shut up shop.'</p>
+
+<p>'An "I.O.U.!"' retorted Sponge, looking virtuously indignant. 'An "I.O.U.!"
+I'll give you your money i' the mornin'.'</p><p><a name="Page_513" id="Page_513"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I know you will,' replied Facey coolly, putting himself in boxing
+attitude, exclaiming, as he measured out a distance, 'just feel the biceps
+muscle of my arm&mdash;do believe I could fell an ox. However, never mind,'
+continued he, seeing Sponge declined the feel. 'Life's uncertain: so you
+give me an "I.O.U." and we'll be all right and square. Short reckonin's
+make long friends, you know,' added he, pointing peremptorily to the paper.</p>
+
+<p>'I'd better give you a cheque at once,' retorted Sponge, looking the very
+essence of chivalry.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Money</i>, if you please,' replied Facey; muttering, with a jerk of his
+head, 'don't like paper.'</p>
+
+<p>The renowned Sponge, for once, was posed. He had the money, but he didn't
+like to part with it. So he gave the 'I.O.U.' and, lighting a
+twelve-to-the-pound candle, sulked off to undress and crawl into the little
+impossibility of a bed.</p>
+
+<p>Night, however, brought no relief to our distinguished friend; for, little
+though the bed was, it was large enough to admit lodgers, and poor Sponge
+was nearly worried by the half-famished vermin, who seemed bent on making
+up for the long fast they had endured since the sixteen-hands-man left.
+Worst of all, as day dawned, the eternal 'Jim Crow' recommenced his
+saltations, varied only with the:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Come, arouse ye, arouse ye, my merry Swiss boy'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>of 'me Oncle Gilroy.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, dash my buttons!' groaned Sponge, as the discordant noise shot
+through his aching head, 'but this is the worst spec I ever made in my
+life. Fed on pork, fluted deaf, bit with bugs, and robbed at cards&mdash;fairly,
+downrightly robbed. Never was a more reg'ler plant put on a man. Thank
+goodness, however, I haven't paid him&mdash;never will, either. Such a
+confounded, disreputable scoundrel deserves to be punished&mdash;big, bad,
+blackguard-looking fellow! How the deuce I could ever be taken in by such a
+fellow! Believe he's nothing but a great poaching blackleg. Hasn't the
+faintest outlines of a gentleman about him&mdash;not the slightest particle&mdash;not
+the remotest glimmerin'.'</p><p><a name="Page_514" id="Page_514"></a></p>
+
+<p>These and similar reflections were interrupted by a great thump against the
+thin lath-and-plaster wall that separated their rooms, or rather closets,
+accompanied by an exclamation of:</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Halloo, old boy! how goes it?</span>'&mdash;an inquiry to which our friend
+deigned no answer.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot ye! you're awake,' muttered Facey to himself, well knowing that
+no one could sleep after such a 'Jim-Crow-ing' and 'Swiss-boy-ing' as he
+had given him. He therefore resumed his battery, thumping as though he
+would knock the partition in.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Halloo</span>!' at last exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'who's there?'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, old Sivin-Pund-Ten, how goes it?' asked Facey, in a tone of the
+keenest irony.</p>
+
+<p>'You be &mdash;&mdash;!' growled Mr. Sponge, in disgust.</p>
+
+<p>'Breakfast in half an hour!' resumed Facey. 'Pigs'-puddin's and
+sarsingers&mdash;all 'ot&mdash;pipin' 'ot!' continued our host.</p>
+
+<p>'Wish you were pipin' 'ot,' growled Mr. Sponge, as he jerked himself out of
+his little berth.</p>
+
+<p>Though Facey pumped him pretty hard during this second pig repast, he could
+make nothing out of Sponge with regard to his movements&mdash;our friend
+parrying all his inquiries with his <i>Mogg</i>, and assurances that he could
+amuse himself. In vain Facey represented that his Oncle Gilroy would be
+expecting them; that Mr. Hobler was ready for him to ride over on; Sponge
+wasn't inclined to shoot, but begged Facey wouldn't stay at home on his
+account. The fact was, Sponge meditated a bolt, and was in close confab
+with Leather, in the Rose and Crown stables, arranging matters, when the
+sound of his name in the yard caused him to look out, when&mdash;oh, welcome
+sight!&mdash;a Puddingpote Bower messenger put Sir Harry's note in his hand,
+which had at length arrived at Jog's through their very miscellaneous
+transit, called a post. Sponge, in the joy of his heart, actually gave the
+lad a shilling! He now felt like a new man. He didn't care a rap for Facey,
+and, ordering Leather to give him the hack and follow with the hunters, he
+presently cantered out of town as sprucely as if all was on the square.</p><p><a name="Page_515" id="Page_515"></a></p>
+
+<p>When, however, Facey found how matters stood, he determined to stop
+Sponge's things, which Leather resisted; and, Facey showing fight, Leather
+butted him with his head, sending him backwards downstairs and putting his
+shoulder out. Leather than marched off with the kit, amid the honours of
+war.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXI" id="CHAPTER_LXI"></a>CHAPTER LXI</h2>
+
+<h3>NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 252px;">
+<img src="images/image515.jpg" width="252" height="300" alt="&#39;MR. SPONGE, MY LADY&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#39;MR. SPONGE, MY LADY&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>he gallant inmates of Nonsuch House had resolved themselves into a
+committee of speculation, as to whether Mr. Sponge was coming or not;
+indeed, they had been betting upon it, the odds at first being a hundred to
+one that he came, though they had fallen a point or two on the arrival of
+the post without an answer.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I say Mr. What-d'ye-call-him&mdash;Sponge&mdash;doesn't come!' exclaimed
+Captain Seedeybuck, as he lay full length, with his shaggy greasy head on
+the fine rose-coloured satin sofa, and his legs cocked over the cushion.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' asked Miss Glitters, who was beguiling the twilight half-hour
+before candles with knitting.</p>
+
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied Seedeybuck, twirling his moustache, 'don't know&mdash;have
+a presentiment he won't.'</p>
+
+<p>'Sure to come!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey, knocking the ashes off his cigar
+on to the fine Tournay carpet.</p><p><a name="Page_516" id="Page_516"></a></p>
+
+<p>'I'll lay ten to one&mdash;ten fifties to one&mdash;he does,&mdash;a thousand to ten if
+you like.' If all the purses in the house had been clubbed together, we
+don't believe they would have raised fifty pounds.</p>
+
+<p>'What sort of a looking man is he?' asked Miss Glitters, now counting her
+loops.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;whoy&mdash;ha&mdash;hem&mdash;haw&mdash;he's just an ordinary sort of lookin' man&mdash;nothin'
+'tickler any way,' drawled Captain Seedeybuck, now wetting and twirling his
+moustache.</p>
+
+<p>'Two legs, a head, a back, and so on, I presume,' observed the lady.</p>
+
+<p>'Just so,' assented Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a horsey-lookin' sort o' man, I should say,' observed Captain
+Bouncey, 'walks as if he ought to be ridin'&mdash;wears vinegar tops.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hate vinegar tops,' growled Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>Just then, in came Lady Scattercash, attended by Mr. Orlando Bugles, the
+ladies' attractions having caused that distinguished performer to forfeit
+his engagement at the Surrey Theatre. Captain Cutitfat, Bob Spangles, and
+Sir Harry quickly followed, and the Sponge question was presently renewed.</p>
+
+<p>'Who says old brown boots comes?' exclaimed Seedeybuck from the sofa.</p>
+
+<p>'Who's that with his nasty nob on my fine satin sofa?' asked the lady.</p>
+
+<p>'Bob Spangles,' replied Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing of the sort,' rejoined the lady; 'and I'll trouble you to get
+off.'</p>
+
+<p>'Can't&mdash;I've got a bone in my leg,' rejoined the captain.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll soon make you,' replied her ladyship, seizing the squab, and pulling
+it on to the floor.</p>
+
+<p>As the captain was scrambling up, in came Peter&mdash;one of the wageless
+footmen&mdash;with candles, which having distributed equitably about the room,
+he approached Lady Scattercash, and asked, in an independent sort of way,
+what room Mr. Soapsuds was to have.</p>
+
+<p>'Soapsuds!&mdash;Soapsuds!&mdash;that's not his name,' exclaimed her ladyship.</p><p><a name="Page_517" id="Page_517"></a></p>
+
+<p>'<i>Sponge</i>, you fool! Soapey Sponge,' exclaimed Cutitfat, who had ferreted
+out Sponge's <i>nomme de Londres</i>.</p>
+
+<p>'He's not come, has he?' asked Miss Glitters eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, my lady&mdash;that's to say, miss,' replied Peter.</p>
+
+<p>'Come, has he!' chorused three or four voices.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, he must have a (hiccup) room,' observed Sir Harry. 'The green&mdash;the
+one above the billiard-room will do,' added he.</p>
+
+<p>'But <i>I</i> have that, Sir Harry,' exclaimed Miss Howard.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, it'll hold two well enough,' observed Miss Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'Then <i>you</i> can be the second,' replied Miss Howard, with a toss of her
+head.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' sneered Miss Glitters, bridling up. 'I like that.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but where's the (hiccup) man to be put?' asked Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'There's Ladofwax's room,' suggested her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'The captain's locked the door and taken the key with him,' replied the
+footman; 'he said he'd be back in a day or two.'</p>
+
+<p>'Back in a (hiccup) or two!' observed Sir Harry. 'Where is he gone?'</p>
+
+<p>The man smiled.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Borrowed</i>,' observed Captain Quod, with an emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed Sir Harry, adding, 'well, I thought that was Nabbum's
+gig with the old grey.'</p>
+
+<p>'He'll not be back in a hurry,' observed Bouncey. 'He'll be like the
+Boulogne gents, who are always going to England, but never do.'</p>
+
+<p>'Poor Wax!' observed Quod; 'he's a big fool, to give him his due.'</p>
+
+<p>'If you give him his due it's more than he gives other people, it seems.'
+observed Miss Howard.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, fie, Miss H.!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but the (hiccup) man must have a (hiccup) bed somewhere,' observed
+Sir Harry; adding to the footman, 'you'd better (hiccup) the door open, you
+know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Perhaps you'd better try what one of yours will do,' observed Bob
+Spangles, to the convulsion of the company.</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of their mirth Mr. Bottleends was seen piloting Mr. Sponge up
+to her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'Mr. Sponge, my lady,' said he in as low and deferential <a name="Page_518" id="Page_518"></a>a tone as if he
+got his wages punctually every quarter-day.</p>
+
+<p>'How do you do. Mr. Sponge?' said her ladyship, tendering him her hand with
+an elegant curtsey.</p>
+
+<p>'How are you, Mr. (hiccup) Sponge?' asked Sir Harry, offering his; 'I
+believe you know the (hiccup) company?' continued he, waving his hand
+around; 'Miss (hiccup) Glitters, Captain (hiccup) Quod, Captain Bouncey,
+Mr. (hiccup) Bugles, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and so on'; whereupon
+Miss Glitters curtsied, the gentlemen bobbed their heads and drew near our
+hero, who had now stationed himself before the fire.</p>
+
+<p>'Coldish to-night,' said he, stooping, and placing both hands to the bars.
+'Coldish,' repeated he, rubbing his hands and looking around.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 175px;">
+<img src="images/image518.jpg" width="175" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'It generally is about this time of year, I think,' observed Miss Glitters,
+who was quite ready to enter for our friend.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope it won't stop hunting,' said Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Hope not,' replied Sir Harry; 'would be a bore if it did.'</p>
+
+<p>'I wonder you gentlemen don't prefer hunting in a frost,' observed Miss
+Howard; 'one would think it would be just the time you'd want a good
+warming.'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't agree with you, there,' replied Mr. Sponge, looking at her, and
+thinking she was not nearly so pretty as Miss Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you hunt to-morrow?' asked he of Sir Harry, not having been able to
+obtain any information at the stables.</p>
+
+<p>'(Hiccup) to-morrow? Oh, I dare say we shall,' replied Sir Harry, who kept
+his hounds as he did his carriages, to be used when wanted. 'Dare say we
+shall,' repeated he.</p>
+
+<p>But though Sir Harry spoke thus encouragingly of their prospects, he took
+no steps, as far as Mr. Sponge could learn, to carry out the design.
+Indeed, the subject <a name="Page_519" id="Page_519"></a>of hunting was never once mentioned, the conversation
+after dinner, instead of being about the Quorn, or the Pytchley, or Jack
+Thompson with the Atherstone, turning upon the elegance and lighting of the
+Casinos in the Adelaide Gallery and Windmill Street, and the relative
+merits of those establishments over the Casino de Venise in High Holborn.
+Nor did morning produce any change for the better, for Sir Harry and all
+the captains came down in their usual flashy broken-down player-looking
+attire, their whole thoughts being absorbed in arranging for a pool at
+billiards, in which the ladies took part. So with billiards, brandy, and
+''baccy,'&mdash;''baccy,' brandy, and billiards, varied with an occasional
+stroll about the grounds, the non-sporting inmates of Nonsuch House
+beguiled the time, much to Mr. Sponge's disgust, whose soul was on fire and
+eager for the fray. The reader's perhaps being the same, we will skip
+Christmas and pass on to New Year's Day.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXII" id="CHAPTER_LXII"></a>CHAPTER LXII</h2>
+
+<h3>A FAMILY BREAKFAST</h3>
+
+
+<p>'Twere almost superfluous to say that <span class="smcap">new year's day</span> is always a
+great holiday. It is a day on which custom commands people to be happy and
+idle, whether they have the means of being happy and idle or not. It is a
+day for which happiness and idleness are 'booked,' and parties are planned
+and arranged long beforehand. Some go to the town, some to the country;
+some take rail; some take steam; some take greyhounds; some take gigs;
+while others take guns and pop at all the little dicky-birds that come in
+their way. The rural population generally incline to a hunt. They are not
+very particular as to style, so long as there are a certain number of
+hounds, and some men in scarlet, to blow their horns, halloo, and crack
+their whips.</p>
+
+<p>The population, especially the rising population about Nonsuch House, all
+inclined that way. A New Year's Day's hunt with Sir Harry had long been
+looked forward <a name="Page_520" id="Page_520"></a>to by the little Raws, and the little Spooneys, and the big
+and little Cheeks, and we don't know how many others. Nay, it had been
+talked of by the elder boys at their respective schools&mdash;we beg pardon,
+academies&mdash;Dr. Switchington's, Mr. Latherington's, Mrs. Skelper's, and a
+liberal allowance of boasting indulged in, as to how they would show each
+other the way over the hedges and ditches. The thing had long been talked
+of. Old Johnny Raw had asked Sir Harry to arrange the day so long ago that
+Sir Harry had forgotten all about it. Sir Harry was one of those
+good-natured souls who can't say 'No' to any one. If anybody had asked if
+they might set fire to his house, he would have said:</p>
+
+<p>'Oh (hiccup) certainly, my dear (hiccup) fellow, if it will give you any
+(hiccup) pleasure.'</p>
+
+<p>Now, for the hiccup day.</p>
+
+<p>It is generally a frost on New Year's Day. However wet and sloppy the
+weather may be up to the end of the year, it generally turns over a new
+leaf on that day. New Year's Day is generally a bright, bitter, sunshiny
+day, with starry ice, and a most decided anti-hunting feeling about
+it&mdash;light, airy, ringy, anything but cheery for hunting.</p>
+
+<p>Thus it was in Sir Harry Scattercash's county. Having smoked and drunk the
+old year out, the captains and company retired to their couches without
+thinking about hunting. Mr. Sponge, indeed, was about tired of asking when
+the hounds would be going out. It was otherwise, however, with the rising
+generation, who were up betimes, and began pouring in upon Nonsuch House in
+every species of garb, on every description of steed, by every line and
+avenue of approach.</p>
+
+<p>'Halloo! what's up now?' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, as she caught view of
+the first batch rounding the corner to the front of the house.</p>
+
+<p>'Who have we here?' asked Miss Glitters, as a ponderous, parti-coloured
+clown, on a great, curly-coated cart-horse, brought up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>'Early callers,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, eating away complacently.</p>
+
+<p>'Friends of Mr. Sponge's, most likely,' suggested Captain Quod.</p><p><a name="Page_521" id="Page_521"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Some of the little Sponges come to see their pa, p'raps,' lisped Miss
+Howard, pretending to be shocked after she had said it.</p>
+
+<p>'Bravo, Miss Howard!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, clapping his hands.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I</i> said nothing, Captain,' observed the young lady with becoming prudery.</p>
+
+<p>'Here we are again!' exclaimed Captain Quod, as a troop of various-sized
+urchins, in pea-jackets, with blue noses and red comforters, on very shaggy
+ponies, the two youngest swinging in panniers over an ass, drew up
+alongside of the first comers.</p>
+
+<p>'Whose sliding-scale of innocence is that, I wonder!' exclaimed Miss
+Howard, contemplating the variously sized chubby faces through the window.</p>
+
+<p>'He, he, he! ho, ho, ho!' giggled the guests.</p>
+
+<p>Another batch of innocence now hove in sight.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, those are the little (hiccup) Raws,' observed Sir Harry, catching
+sight of the sky-blue collar of the servant's long drab coat. 'Good chap,
+old Johnny Raw; ask them to (hiccup) in,' continued he, 'and give them some
+(hiccup) cherry brandy'; and thereupon Sir Harry began nodding and smiling,
+and making signs to them to come in. The youngsters, however, maintained
+their position.</p>
+
+<p>'The little stupexes!' exclaimed Miss Howard, going to the window, and
+throwing up the sash. 'Come in, young gents!' cried she, in a commanding
+tone, addressing herself to the last comers. 'Come in, and have some toffy
+and lollypops! D'ye hear?' continued she, in a still louder voice, and
+motioning her head towards the door.</p>
+
+<p>The boys sat mute.</p>
+
+<p>'You little stupid monkeys,' muttered she in an undertone, as the cold air
+struck upon her head. 'Come in, like good boys,' added she in a louder key,
+pointing with her finger towards the door.</p>
+
+<p>'Nor, thenk ye!' at last drawled the elder of the boys.</p>
+
+<p>'Nor, thenk ye!' repeated Miss Howard, imitating the drawl. 'Why not?'
+asked she sharply.</p>
+
+<p>The boy stared stupidly.</p><p><a name="Page_522" id="Page_522"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Why won't you come in?' asked she, again addressing him.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know!' replied the boy, staring vacantly at his younger brother, as
+he rubbed a pearl off his nose on the back of his hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know!' ejaculated Miss Howard, stamping her little foot on the
+Turkey carpet.</p>
+
+<p>'Mar said we hadn't,' whined the younger boy, coming to the rescue of his
+brother.</p>
+
+<p>'Mar said we hadn't!' retorted the fair interrogator. 'Why not?'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know,' replied the elder.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't know! you little stupid animal,' snapped Miss Howard, the cold air
+increasing the warmth of her temper. 'I wonder what you <i>do</i> know. Why did
+your ma say you were not to come in?' continued she, addressing the younger
+one.</p>
+
+<p>'Because&mdash;because,' hesitated he, 'she said the house was full of
+trumpets.'</p>
+
+<p>'Trumpets, you little scamp!' exclaimed the lady, reddening up; 'I'll get a
+whip and cut your jacket into ribbons on your back.' And thereupon she
+banged down the window and closed the conversation.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXIII" id="CHAPTER_LXIII"></a>CHAPTER LXIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE RISING GENERATION</h3>
+
+
+<p>The lull that prevailed in the breakfast-room on Miss Howard's return from
+the window was speedily interrupted by fresh arrivals before the door. The
+three Master Baskets in coats and lay-over collars, Master Shutter in a
+jacket and trousers, the two Master Bulgeys in woollen overalls with very
+large hunting whips, Master Brick in a velveteen shooting-jacket, and the
+two Cheeks with their tweed trousers thrust into fiddle-case boots, on all
+sorts of ponies and family horses, began pawing and disordering the gravel
+in front of Nonsuch House.</p>
+
+<p>George Cheek was the head boy at Mr. Latherington's classical and
+commercial academy, at Flagellation Hall<a name="Page_523" id="Page_523"></a> (late the Crown and Sceptre Hotel
+and Posting House, on the Bankstone road), where, for forty pounds a year,
+eighty young gentlemen were fitted for the pulpit, the senate, the bar, the
+counting-house, or anything else their fond parents fancied them fit for.</p>
+
+<p>George was a tall stripling, out at the elbows, in at the knees, with his
+red knuckled hands thrust a long way through his tight coat. He was just of
+that awkward age when boys fancy themselves men, and men are not prepared
+to lower themselves to their level. Ladies get on better with them than
+men: either the ladies are more tolerant of twaddle, or their discerning
+eyes see in the gawky youth the germ of future usefulness. George was on
+capital terms with himself. He was the oracle of Mr. Latherington's school,
+where he was not only head boy and head swell, but a considerable authority
+on sporting matters. He took in <i>Bell's Life</i>, which he read from beginning
+to end, and 'noted its contents,' as they say in the city.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll tell you what all these little (hiccup) animals will be wanting,'
+observed Sir Harry, as he cayenne-peppered a turkey's leg; 'they'll be come
+for a (hiccup) hunt.'</p>
+
+<p>'Wish they may get it,' observed Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'why, the
+ground's as hard as iron.'</p>
+
+<p>'There's a big boy,' observed Miss Howard, eyeing George Cheek through the
+window.</p>
+
+<p>'Let's have him in, and see what he's got to say for himself,' said Miss
+Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>You</i> ask him, then,' rejoined Miss Howard, who didn't care to risk
+another rub.</p>
+
+<p>'Peter,' said Lady Scattercash to the footman, who had been loitering
+about, listening to the conversation,&mdash;'Peter, go and ask that tall boy
+with the blue neckerchief and the riband round his hat to come in.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, my lady,' replied Peter.</p>
+
+<p>'And the (hiccup) Spooneys, and the (hiccup) Bulgeys, and the (hiccup)
+Raws, and all the little (hiccup) rascals,' added Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'The Raws won't come. Sir H.,' observed Miss Howard soberly.</p><p><a name="Page_524" id="Page_524"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Bigger fools they,' replied Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Peter returned with a tail, headed by George Cheek, who came
+striding and slouching up the room, and stuck himself down on Lady
+Scattercash's right. The small boys squeezed themselves in as they could,
+one by Captain Seedeybuck, another by Captain Bouncey, one by Miss
+Glitters, a fourth by Miss Howard, and so on. They all fell ravenously upon
+the provisions.</p>
+
+<p>Gobble, gobble, gobble was the order of the day.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked Lady
+Scattercash of George Cheek, as she gave him a cup of coffee.</p>
+
+<p>Her ladyship hadn't much liking for youths of his age, and would just as
+soon vex them as not.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked she again, not
+getting an answer to her first inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>'Not at all,' growled Cheek, reddening up.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, flogged!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'You wouldn't have a young man like
+him flogged; it's only the little boys that get that&mdash;is it, Mister Cheek?'</p>
+
+<p>'To be sure not,' assented the youth.</p>
+
+<p>'Mister Cheek's a man,' observed Miss Glitters, eyeing him archly, as he
+sat stuffing his mouth with currant-loaf plentifully besmeared with
+raspberry-jam. 'He'll be wanting a wife soon,' added she, smiling across
+the table at Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'I question but he's got one,' observed the captain.</p>
+
+<p>'No, ar haven't,' replied Cheek, pleased at the imputation.</p>
+
+<p>'Then there's a chance for you. Miss G.,' retorted the captain. 'Mrs.
+George Cheek would look well on a glazed card with gilt edges.'</p>
+
+<p>'What a cub!' exclaimed Miss Howard, in disgust.</p>
+
+<p>'You're another,' replied Master Cheek, amidst a roar of laughter from the
+party.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but you ask your master if you mayn't have a wife next half, and
+we'll see if we can't arrange matters,' observed Miss Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'Noo, ar sharn't,' replied George, stuffing his mouth full of preserved
+apricot.</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' asked Miss Howard,<a name="Page_525" id="Page_525"></a> 'Because&mdash;because&mdash;ar'll have somethin'
+younger,' replied George.</p>
+
+<p>'Bravo, young Chesterfield!' exclaimed Miss Howard; adding, 'what it is to
+be thick with Lord John Manners!'</p>
+
+<p>'Ar'm not,' growled the boy, amidst the mirth of the company.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but what must we do with these little (hiccup)?'
+asked Sir Harry, at last rising from the breakfast-table, and looking
+listlessly round the company for an answer.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 263px;">
+<img src="images/image525.jpg" width="263" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Oh! liquor them well, and send them home to their mammas,' suggested
+Captain Bouncey, who was all for the drink.</p>
+
+<p>'But they won't take their (hiccup),' replied Sir Harry, holding up a
+Curacao bottle to show how little had disappeared.</p><p><a name="Page_526" id="Page_526"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Try them with cherry brandy,' suggested Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'it's
+sweeter. Now, young man,' continued he, addressing George Cheek, as he
+poured him out a wineglassful, 'this is the real Daffy's elixir that you
+read of in the papers. It's the finest compound that ever was known. It
+will make your hair curl, your whiskers grow, and you a man before your
+mother.'</p>
+
+<p>'N-o-a, n-o-ar, don't want any more,' growled the young gentleman, turning
+away in disgust. 'Ar won't drink any more.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but be sociable,' observed Miss Howard, helping herself to a glass.</p>
+
+<p>'N-o-a, no, ar don't want to be sociable,' growled he, diving into his
+trouser-pockets, and wriggling about on his chair.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, what <i>will</i> you do?' asked Miss Howard.</p>
+
+<p>'Hunt,' replied the youth.</p>
+
+<p>'Hunt!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, the ground's as hard as bricks.'</p>
+
+<p>'N-o-a, it's not,' replied the youth.</p>
+
+<p>'What a whelp!' exclaimed Miss Howard, rising from the table in disgust.</p>
+
+<p>'My Uncle Jellyboy wouldn't let such a frost stop him, I know,' observed
+the boy.</p>
+
+<p>'Who's your Uncle Jellyboy?' asked Miss Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'He's a farmer, and keeps a few harriers at Scutley,' observed Bob
+Spangles, <i>sotto voce</i>.</p>
+
+<p>'And is that your extraordinary horse with all the legs?' asked Miss
+Howard, putting her glass to her eye, and scrutinizing a lank,
+woolly-coated weed, getting led about by a blue-aproned gardener. 'Is that
+your extraordinary horse, with all the legs?' repeated she, following the
+animal about with her glass.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoots, it hasn't more legs than other people's,' growled George.</p>
+
+<p>'It's got ten, at all events,' replied Miss Howard, to the astonishment of
+the juveniles.</p>
+
+<p>'Nor, it hasn't,' replied George.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, it has,' rejoined the lady.</p>
+
+<p>'Nor, it hasn't,' repeated George.</p><p><a name="Page_527" id="Page_527"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Come and see,' said the lady; adding, 'perhaps it's put out some since you
+got off.'</p>
+
+<p>George slouched up to where she stood at the window.</p>
+
+<p>'Now,' said he, as the gardener turned the horse round, and he saw it had
+but four, 'how many has it?'</p>
+
+<p>'Ten!' replied Miss Howard.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoots,' replied George, 'you think it's April Fool's Day, I dare say.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, I don't,' replied Miss Howard; 'but I maintain your horse has ten
+legs. See, now!' continued she, 'what do you call these coming here?'</p>
+
+<p>'His two forelegs,' replied George.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, two fours&mdash;twice four's eight, eh? and his two hind ones make ten.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hoots,' growled George, amidst the mirth of his comrades, 'you're makin' a
+fool o' one.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but what must I do with all these little (hiccup) creatures?' asked
+Sir Harry again, seeing the plot still thickening outside.</p>
+
+<p>'Turn them out a bagman?' suggested Mr. Sponge, in an undertone; adding,
+'Watchorn has a three-legged 'un, I know, in the hay-loft.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, Watchorn wouldn't (hiccup) on such a day as this,' replied Sir Harry.
+'New Year's Day, too&mdash;most likely away, seeing his young hounds at walk.'</p>
+
+<p>'We might see, at all events,' observed Mr. Sponge.</p>
+
+<p>'Well,' assented Sir Harry, ringing the bell. 'Peter,' said he, as the
+servant answered the summons, 'I wish you would (hiccup) to Mr. Watchorn's,
+and ask if he'll have the kindness to (hiccup) down here.' Sir Harry was
+obliged to be polite, for Watchorn, too, was on the 'free' list as Miss
+Glitters called it.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, Sir Harry,' replied Peter, leaving the room.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Peter's white legs were seen wending their way among the laurels
+and evergreens, in the direction of Mr. Watchorn's house; he having a house
+and grass for six cows, all whose milk, he declared, went to the puppies
+and young hounds. Luckily, or unluckily perhaps, Mr. Watchorn was at home,
+and was in the act of shaving as Peter entered. He was a square-built
+dark-faced, dark-haired, good-looking, ill-looking fellow<a name="Page_528" id="Page_528"></a> who cultivated
+his face on the four-course system of husbandry. First, he had a bare
+fallow&mdash;we mean a clean shave; that of course was followed by a full crop
+of hair all over, except on his upper lip; then he had a soldier's shave,
+off by the ear; which in turn was followed by a Newgate frill. The latter
+was his present style. He had now no whiskers, but an immense protuberance
+of bristly black hair, rising like a wave above his kerchief. Though he
+cared no more about hunting than his master, he was very fond of his red
+coat, which he wore on all occasions, substituting a hat for a cap when
+'off duty,' as he called it. Having attired himself in his best scarlet, of
+which he claimed three a year&mdash;one for wet days, one for dry days, another
+for high days&mdash;very natty kerseymere shorts and gaiters, with a
+small-striped, standing-collar, toilenette waistcoat, he proceeded to obey
+the summons.</p>
+
+<p>'Watchorn,' said Sir Harry, as the important gentleman appeared at the
+breakfast-room door&mdash;'Watchorn, these young (hiccup) gentlemen want a
+(hiccup) hunt.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! want must be their master, Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, with a broad
+grin on his flushed face, for he had been drinking all night, and was half
+drunk then.</p>
+
+<p>'Can't you manage it?' asked Sir Harry, mildly.</p>
+
+<p>''Ow is't possible. Sir 'Arry,' asked the huntsman, ''ow is't possible? No
+man's fonder of 'untin' than I am, but to turn out on sich a day as this
+would be a daring&mdash;a desperate violation of all the laws of registered
+propriety. The Pope's bull would be nothin' to it!'</p>
+
+<p>'How so?' asked Sir Harry, puzzled with the jumble.</p>
+
+<p>'How so?' repeated Watchorn; 'how so? Why, in the fust place, it's a mortal
+'ard frost, 'arder nor hiron; in the second place, I've got no arrangements
+made&mdash;you can't turn out a pack of 'igh-bred fox-'ounds as you would a lot
+of "staggers" or "muggers"; and, in the third place, you'll knock all your
+nags to bits, and they are a deal better in their wind than they are on
+their legs, as it is. No, Sir 'Arry&mdash;no,' continued he, slowly and
+thoughtfully. 'No, Sir 'Arry, no. Be Cardinal Wiseman, for once. Sir 'Arry;
+be Cardinal Wiseman for once, and don't <i>think</i> of it.'</p><p><a name="Page_529" id="Page_529"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well,' replied Sir Harry, looking at George Cheek, 'I suppose there's no
+help for it.'</p>
+
+<p>'It was quite a thaw where I came from,' observed Cheek, half to Sir Harry
+and half to the huntsman.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Mr. Watchorn, with a chuck of his fringed
+chin, 'it generally is a thaw everywhere but where hounds meet.'</p>
+
+<p>'My Uncle Jollyboy wouldn't be stopped by such a frost as this,' observed
+Cheek.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Watchorn, 'your Uncle Jellyboy's a very fine
+feller, I dare say&mdash;very fine feller; no such conjurers in these parts as
+he is. What man dare, I dare; he who dares more, is no man,' added
+Watchorn, giving his fat thigh a hearty slap.</p>
+
+<p>'Well done, old Talliho!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'We'll have you on the
+stage next.'</p>
+
+<p>'What will you wet your whistle with after your fine speech?' asked Lady
+Scattercash.</p>
+
+<p>'Take a tumbler of chumpine, if there is any,' replied Watchorn, looking
+about for a long-necked bottle.</p>
+
+<p>'Fear you'll come on badly,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, holding up an
+empty one, 'for Bouncey and I have just finished the last'; the captain
+chucking the bottle sideways on to the floor, and rolling it towards its
+companion in the corner.</p>
+
+<p>'Have a fresh bottle,' suggested Lady Scattercash, drawing the bell-string
+at her chair.</p>
+
+<p>'Champagne,' said her ladyship, as the footman answered the summons.</p>
+
+<p>'Two on 'em!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'Three!' shouted Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'We'll have a regular set-to,' observed Miss Howard, who was fond of
+champagne.</p>
+
+<p>'New Year's Day,' replied Bouncey, 'and ought to be properly observed.'</p>
+
+<p>Presently, Fiz&mdash;z,&mdash;pop,&mdash;bang! Fiz&mdash;z,&mdash;pop,&mdash;bang! went the bottles; and,
+as the hissing beverage foamed over the bottle-necks, glasses were sought
+and held out to catch the creaming contents.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's a (hiccup) happy new year to us all!' exclaimed Sir Harry, drinking
+off his wine. <a name="Page_530" id="Page_530"></a>'H-o-o-ray!' exclaimed the company in irregular order, as
+they drank off theirs.</p>
+
+<p>'We'll drink Mr. Watchorn and the Nonsuch hounds!' exclaimed Bob Spangles,
+as Watchorn, having drained off his tumbler, replaced it on the sideboard.</p>
+
+<p>'With all the honours!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, filling his glass and
+rising to give the time; 'Watchorn, your good health!' 'Watchorn, your good
+health!' sounded from all parts, which Watchorn kept acknowledging, and
+looking about for the means to return the compliment, his friends being
+more intent upon drinking his health than upon supplying him with wine. At
+last he caught the third of a bottle of 'chumpine,' and, emptying it into
+his tumbler, held it up while he thus addressed them:</p>
+
+<p>'Gen'lemen all!' said he, 'I thank you most 'ticklarly for this mark of
+your 'tention (applause); it's most gratifying to my feelins to be thus
+remembered (applause). I could say a great deal more, but the liquor won't
+wait.' So saying, he drained off his glass while the wine effervesced.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, and what d'ye (hiccup) of the weather now?' asked Sir Harry, as his
+huntsman again deposited his tumbler on the sideboard.</p>
+
+<p>'Pon my soul! Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, quite briskly, 'I really think
+we <i>might</i> 'unt&mdash;we might try, at all events. The day seems changed,
+some'ow,' added he, staring vacantly out of the window on the bright sunny
+landscape, with the leafless trees dancing before his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I</i> think so,' said Sir Harry. 'What do you think, Mr. Sponge?' added he,
+appealing to our hero.</p>
+
+<p>'Half an hour may make a great difference,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'The sun
+will then be at its best.'</p>
+
+<p>'We'll try, at all events,' observed Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'That's right,' exclaimed George Cheek, waving a scarlet bandana over his
+head.</p>
+
+<p>'I shall expect you to ride up to the 'ounds, young gent,' observed
+Watchorn, darting an angry look at the speaker.</p>
+
+<p>'Won't I, old boy!' exclaimed George; 'ride over you, if you don't get out
+of the way.'</p><p><a name="Page_531" id="Page_531"></a></p>
+
+<p>''Deed,' sneered the huntsman, whisking about to leave the room; muttering,
+as he passed behind the large Indian screen at the door, something about
+'jawing jackanapes, well called Cheek.'</p>
+
+<p>''Unt in 'alf an hour!' exclaimed Watchorn, from the steps of the front
+door; an announcement that was received by the little Raws, and little
+Spooneys, and little Baskets, and little Bulgeys, and little Bricks, and
+little others, with rapturous applause.</p>
+
+<p>All was now commotion and hurry-scurry inside and out; glasses were
+drained, lips wiped, and napkins thrown hastily away, while ladies and
+gentlemen began grouping and talking about hats and habits, and what they
+should ride.</p>
+
+<p>'You go with me, Orlando,' said Lady Scattercash to our friend Bugles,
+recollecting the quantity of diachylon plaster it had taken to repair the
+damage of his former equestrian performance. 'You go with me, Orlando,'
+said she, 'in the phaeton; and I'll lend Lucy,' nodding towards Miss
+Glitters, 'my habit and horse.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who can lend me a coat?' asked Captain Seedeybuck, examining the skirts of
+a much frayed invisible-green surtout.</p>
+
+<p>'A coat!' replied Captain Quod; 'I can lend you a Joinville, if that will
+do as well,' the captain feeling his own extensive one as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'Hardly,' said Seedeybuck, turning about to ask Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p>'What!&mdash;you are going to give Watchorn a tussle, are you?' asked Captain
+Cutitfat of George Cheek, as the latter began adjusting the fox-toothed
+riband about his hat.</p>
+
+<p>'I believe you,' replied George, with a knowing jerk of his head; adding,
+'it won't take much to beat him.'</p>
+
+<p>'What! he's a slow 'un, is he?' asked Cutitfat, in an undertone.</p>
+
+<p>'Slowest coach I ever saw,' growled George.</p>
+
+<p>'Won't ride, won't he?' asked the Captain.</p>
+
+<p>'Not if he can help it,' replied George, adding, 'but he's such a shocking
+huntsman&mdash;never saw such a huntsman in all my life.'</p><p><a name="Page_532" id="Page_532"></a></p>
+
+<p>George's experience lay between his Uncle Jellyboy, who rode eighteen stone
+and a half, Tom Scramble, the pedestrian huntsman of the Slowfoot hounds,
+near Mr. Latherington's, and Mr. Watchorn. But critics, especially hunting
+ones, are all ready made, as Lord Byron said.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, we'd better disperse and get ready,' observed Bob Spangles, making
+for the door; whereupon the tide of population flowed that way, and the
+room was presently cleared.</p>
+
+<p>George Cheek and the juveniles then returned to their friends in the front;
+and George got up pony races among the Johnny Raws, the Baskets, the
+Bulgeys, and the Spooneys, thrice round the carriage ring and a distance,
+to the detriment of the gravel and the discomfiture of the flower-bed in
+the centre.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXIV" id="CHAPTER_LXIV"></a>CHAPTER LXIV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE KENNEL AND THE STUD</h3>
+
+
+<p>We will now accompany Mr. Watchorn to the stable, whither his resolute legs
+carried him as soon as the champagne wrought the wonderful change in his
+opinion of the weather, though, as he every now and then crossed a spangled
+piece of ground upon which the sun had not struck, or stopped to crack a
+piece of ice with his toe, he shook his heated head and doubted whether
+<i>he</i> was Cardinal Wiseman for making the attempt. Nothing but the fact of
+his considering it perfectly immaterial whether he was with his hounds or
+not encouraged him in the undertaking. 'Dash them!' said he, 'they must
+just take care of themselves.' With which laudable resolution, and an
+inward anathema at George Cheek, he left off trying the ground and tapping
+the ice.</p>
+
+<p>Watchorn's hurried, excited appearance produced little satisfaction among
+the grooms and helpers at the stables, who were congratulating themselves
+on the opportune arrival of the frost, and arranging how they should spend
+their New Year's Day.</p><p><a name="Page_533" id="Page_533"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' exclaimed he, clapping his hands as he ran
+up the yard. 'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' repeated he, as the astonished
+helpers showed their bare arms and dirty shirts at the partially opened
+doors, responsive to the sound. 'Send Snaffle here, send Brown here, send
+Green here, send Snooks here,' exclaimed he, with the air of a man in
+authority.</p>
+
+<p>Now Snaffle was the stud-groom, a personage altogether independent of the
+huntsman, and, in the ordinary course of nature, Snaffle had just as much
+right to send for Watchorn as Watchorn had to send for him; but Watchorn
+being, as we said before, some way connected with Lady Scattercash, he just
+did as he liked among the whole of them, and they were too good judges to
+rebel.</p>
+
+<p>'Snaffle,' said he, as the portly, well-put-on personage waddled up to him;
+'Snaffle,' said he, 'how many sound 'osses have you?'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>None</i>, sir,' replied Snaffle confidently.</p>
+
+<p>'How many three-legged 'uns have you that can go, then?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! a good many,' replied Snaffle, raising his hands to tell them off on
+his fingers. 'There's Hop-the-twig, and Hannah Bell (Hannibal), and Ugly
+Jade, and Sir-danapalis&mdash;the Baronet as we calls him&mdash;and Harkaway, and
+Hit-me-hard, and Single-peeper, and Jack's-alive, and Groggytoes, and
+Greedyboy, and Puff-and-blow; that's to say <i>two</i> and three-legged 'uns, at
+least,' observed Snaffle, qualifying his original assertion.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, well!' said Watchorn, 'that'll do&mdash;two legs are too many for some of
+the rips they'll have to carry&mdash;Let me see,' continued he thoughtfully,
+'I'll ride 'Arkaway.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, sir,' said Snaffle.</p>
+
+<p>'Sir 'Arry, 'It-me-'ard.'</p>
+
+<p>'Won't you put him on Sir-danapalis?' asked Snaffle.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Watchorn, 'no; I wants to save the Bart.&mdash;I wants to save the
+Bart. Sir 'Arry must ride 'It-me-'ard.'</p>
+
+<p>'Is her ladyship going?' asked Snaffle.</p>
+
+<p>'Her ladyship drives,' replied Watchorn. 'And you. Snooks,' addressing a
+bare-armed helper, 'tell Mr.<a name="Page_534" id="Page_534"></a> Traces to turn her out a pony phaeton and
+pair, with fresh rosettes and all complete, you know.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir,' said Snooks, with a touch of his forelock.</p>
+
+<p>'And you'd better tell Mr. Leather to have a horse for his master,'
+observed Watchorn to Snaffle, 'unless as how you wish to put him on one of
+yours.'</p>
+
+<p>'Not I,' exclaimed Snaffle; 'have enough to mount without him. D'ye know
+how many'll be goin'?' asked he.</p>
+
+<p>'No,' replied Watchorn, hurrying off; adding, as he went, 'oh, hang 'em,
+just saddle 'em all, and let 'em scramble for 'em.'</p>
+
+<p>The scene then changed. Instead of hissing helpers pursuing their vocations
+in stable or saddle-room, they began bustling about with saddles on their
+heads and bridles in their hands, the day of expected ease being changed
+into one of unusual trouble. Mr. Leather declared, as he swept the clothes
+over Multum in Parvo's tail, that it was the most unconscionable proceeding
+he had ever witnessed; and muttered something about the quiet comforts he
+had left at Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's, hinting his regret at having come to
+Sir Harry's, in a sort of dialogue with himself as he saddled the horse.
+The beauties of the last place always come out strong when a servant gets
+to another. But we must accompany Mr. Watchorn.</p>
+
+<p>Though his early career with the Camberwell and Balham Hill Union harriers
+had not initiated him much into the delicacies of the chase, yet,
+recollecting the presence of Mr. Sponge, he felt suddenly seized with a
+desire of 'doing things as they should be'; and he went muttering to the
+kennel, thinking how he would leave Dinnerbell and Prosperous at home, and
+how the pack would look quite as well without Frantic running half a field
+ahead, or old Stormer and Stunner bringing up the rear with long protracted
+howls. He doubted, indeed, whether he would take Desperate, who was an
+incorrigible skirter; but as she was not much worse in this respect than
+Chatterer or Harmony, who was also an inveterate babbler, and the pack
+would look rather short without them, he reserved the point for further
+consideration, as the judges say.</p><p><a name="Page_535" id="Page_535"></a></p>
+
+<p>His speculations were interrupted by arriving at the kennel, and finding
+the door fast, he looked under the slate, and above the frame, and inside
+the window, and on the wall, for the key; and his shake, and kick, and
+clatter were only answered by a full chorus from the excited company
+within.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang the feller! what's got 'im!' exclaimed he, meaning Joe Haggish, the
+feeder, whom he expected to find there.</p>
+
+<p>Joe, however, was absent; not holiday-making, but on a diplomatic visit to
+Mr. Greystones, the miller, at Splashford, who had positively refused to
+supply any more meal, until his 'little bill' (&pound;430) for the three previous
+years was settled; and flesh being very scarce in the country, the hounds
+were quite light and fit to go. Joe had gone to try and coax Greystones out
+of a ton or two of meal, on the strength of its being New Year's Day.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash the feller! wot's got'im?' exclaimed Watchorn, seizing the latch, and
+rattling it furiously. The melody of the hungry pack increased. ''Ord rot
+the door!' exclaimed the infuriated huntsman, setting his back against it;
+at the first push, open it flew. Watchorn fell back, and the astonished
+pack poured over his prostrate body, regardless alike of his holiday coat,
+his tidy tie, and toilenette vest. What a scrimmage! What a kick-up was
+there! Away the hounds scampered, towling and howling, some up to the
+fleshwheel, to see if there was any meat; some to the bone heap, to see if
+there was any there; others down to the dairy, to try and effect an
+entrance in it; while Launcher, and Lightsome, and Burster, rushed to the
+backyard of Nonsuch House, and were presently over ears in the pig-pail.</p>
+
+<p>'Get me my horn! get me my whop!&mdash;get me my cap!&mdash;get me my bouts!'
+exclaimed Watchorn, as he recovered his legs, and saw his wife eyeing the
+scene from the door. 'Get me my bouts!&mdash;get me my cap!&mdash;get me my
+whop!&mdash;get me my horn, woman!' continued he, reversing the order of things,
+and rubbing the hounds' feetmarks off his clothes as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Watchorn was too well drilled to dwell upon <a name="Page_536" id="Page_536"></a>orders, and she met her
+lord and master in the passage with the enumerated articles in her hand.
+Watchorn having deposited himself on an entrance-hall chair&mdash;for it was a
+roomy, well-furnished house, having been the steward's while there was
+anything to take care of&mdash;Mrs. Watchorn proceeded to strip off his gaiters
+while he drew on his boots and crowned himself with his cap. Mrs. Watchorn
+then buckled on his spurs, and he hurried off, horn in hand, desiring her
+to have him a basin of turtle-soup ready against he came in; adding, 'She
+knew where to get it.' The frosty air then resounded with the twang, twang,
+twang of his horn, and hounds began drawing up from all quarters, just as
+sportsmen cast up at a meet from no one knows where.</p>
+
+<p>'He-here, hounds&mdash;he-here, good dogs!' cried he, coaxing and making much of
+the first-comers: 'he-here. Galloper, old boy!' continued he, diving into
+his coat-pocket, and throwing him a bit of biscuit. The appearance of food
+had a very encouraging effect, for forthwith there was a general rush
+towards Watchorn, and it was only by rating and swinging his 'whop' about
+that he prevented the pack from pawing, and perhaps downing him. At length,
+having got them somewhat tranquillized, he set off on his return to the
+stables, coaxing the shy hounds, and rating and rapping those that seemed
+inclined to break away. Thus he managed to march into the stable-yard in
+pretty good order, just as the house party arrived in the opposite
+direction, attired in the most extraordinary and incongruous habiliments.
+There was Bob Spangles, in a swallow-tailed, mulberry-coloured scarlet,
+that looked like an old pen-wiper, white duck trousers, and lack-lustre
+Napoleon boots; Captain Cutitfat, in a smart new 'Moses and Son's'
+straight-cut scarlet, with bloodhound heads on the buttons, yellow-ochre
+leathers, and Wellington boots with drab knee-caps; little Bouncey in a
+tremendously baggy long-backed scarlet, whose gaping outside-pockets showed
+that they had carried its late owner's hands as well as his handkerchief;
+the clumsy device on the tarnished buttons looking quite as much like
+sheep's-heads as foxes'. Bouncey's tight tweed trousers were thrust into <a name="Page_537" id="Page_537"></a>a
+pair of wide fisherman's boots, which, but for his little roundabout
+stomach, would have swallowed him up bodily. Captain Quod appeared in a
+venerable dresscoat of the Melton Hunt, made in the popular reign of Mr.
+Errington, whose much-stained and smeared silk facings bore testimony to
+the good cheer it had seen. As if in contrast to the light airiness of this
+garment, Quod had on a tremendously large shaggy brown waistcoat, with horn
+buttons, a double tier of pockets, and a nick out in front. With an unfair
+partiality his nether man was attired in a pair of shabby old black, or
+rather brown, dress trousers, thrust into long Wellington boots with brass
+heel spurs. Captain Seedeybuck had on a spruce swallow-tailed green coat of
+Sir Harry's, a pair of old tweed trousers of his own, thrust into long
+chamois-leather opera-boots, with red morocco tops, giving the whole a very
+unique and novel appearance. Mr. Orlando Bugles, though going to drive with
+my lady, thought it incumbent to put on his jack-boots, and appeared in
+kerseymere shorts, and a highly frogged and furred blue frock-coat, with
+the corner of a musked cambric kerchief acting the part of a star on his
+breast.</p>
+
+<p>"Here comes old sixteen-string'd Jack!" exclaimed Bob Spangles, as his
+brother-in-law, Sir Harry, came hitching and limping along, all strings,
+and tapes, and ends, as usual, followed by Mr. Sponge in the strict and
+severe order of sporting costume; double-stitched, back-stitched,
+sleeve-strapped, pull-devil, pull-baker coat, broad corduroy vest with
+fox-teeth buttons, still broader corded breeches, and the redoubtable
+vinegar tops. "Now we're all ready!" exclaimed Bob, working his arms as if
+anxious to be off, and giving a shrill shilling-gallery whistle with his
+fingers, causing the stable-doors to fly open, and the variously tackled
+steeds to emerge from their stalls.</p>
+
+<p>"A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!" exclaimed Miss Glitters,
+running up as fast as her long habit, or rather Lady Scattercash's long
+habit, would allow her. "A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!"
+repeated she, diving into the throng.</p><p><a name="Page_538" id="Page_538"></a></p>
+
+<p>'White Surrey is saddled for the field,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles,
+drawing himself up pompously, and waving his right hand gracefully towards
+her ladyship's Arab palfrey, inwardly congratulating himself that Miss
+Glitters was going to be bumped upon it instead of him.</p>
+
+<p>'Give us a leg up, Seedey!' exclaimed Lucy Glitters to the 'gent' of the
+green coat, fearing that Miss Howard, who was a little behind, might claim
+the horse.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image538.jpg" width="300" height="259" alt="MR. BUGLES GOES OUT HUNTING AGAIN" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. BUGLES GOES OUT HUNTING AGAIN</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Captain Seedeybuck seized her pretty little uplifted foot and vaulted her
+into the saddle as light as a cork. Taking the horse gently by the mouth,
+she gave him the slightest possible touch with the whip, and moved him
+about at will, instead of fretting and fighting him as the clumsy,
+heavy-handed Bugles had done. She looked beautiful on horseback, and for a
+time riveted the attention of our sportsmen. At length they began to think
+of themselves, and then there were such climbings on, and clutchings, and
+catchings, and clingings, and gently-ings, and who-ho-ings, and
+who-ah-ings, and questionings if 'such a horse was quiet?' if another<a name="Page_539" id="Page_539"></a>
+'could leap well?' if a third 'had a good mouth?' and whether a fourth
+'ever ran away?'</p>
+
+<p>'Take my port-stirrup up two 'oles!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey from the top
+of high Hop-the-twig, sticking out a leg to let the groom do it.</p>
+
+<p>The captain had affected the sea instead of the land service, while a
+betting-list keeper, and found the bluff sailor character very taking.</p>
+
+<p>'Avast there!' exclaimed he, as the groom ran the buckle up to the desired
+hole. 'Now,' said he, gathering up the reins in a bunch, 'how many knots an
+hour can this 'orse go?'</p>
+
+<p>'Twenty,' replied the man, thinking he meant miles.</p>
+
+<p>'Let her go, then!' exclaimed the captain, kicking the horse's sides with
+his spurless heels.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Watchorn now mounted Harkaway; Sir Harry scrambled on to Hit-me-hard;
+Miss Howard was hoisted on to Groggytoes, and all the rest being 'fit' with
+horses of some sort or other, and the races in the front being over the
+juveniles poured into the yard. Lady Scattercash's pony-phaeton turned out,
+and our friends were at length ready for a start.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXV" id="CHAPTER_LXV"></a>CHAPTER LXV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE HUNT</h3>
+
+
+<p>While the foregoing arrangements were in progress, Mr. Watchorn had desired
+Slarkey, the knife-boy, to go into the old hay-loft and take the
+three-legged fox he would find, and put him down among the laurels by the
+summer-house, where he would draw up to him all 'reg'lar' like.
+Accordingly, Slarkey went, but the old cripple having mounted the rafters,
+Slarkey didn't see him, or rather seeing but one fox, he clutched him, with
+a greater regard to his not biting him than to seeing how many legs he had;
+consequently he bagged an uncommonly fine old dog fox, that Wiley Tom had
+just stolen from Lord Scamperdale's new cover at Faggotfurze; and it was
+not until Slarkey put him down among the bushes, and saw how lively he
+went, that<a name="Page_540" id="Page_540"></a> he found out his mistake. However, there was no help for it,
+and he had just time to pocket the bag when Watchorn's half-drunken cheer,
+and the reverberating cracks of ponderous whips on either side of the Dean,
+announced the approach of the pack.</p>
+
+<p>'He-leu in there!' cried Watchorn to the hounds. ''Ord, dommee, but it's
+slippy,' said he to himself. 'Have at him. Plunderer, good dog! I wish I
+may be Cardinal Wiseman for comin',' added he, seeing how his breath showed
+on the air. 'Ho-o-i-cks! p<i>a</i>sh 'im hup! I'll be dashed if I shan't be
+down!' exclaimed he, as his horse slid a long slide. 'He-leu, in!
+Conqueror, old boy!' continued he, exclaiming loud enough for Mr. Sponge
+who was drawing near to hear, 'find us a fox that'll give us five and forty
+minnits!' the speaker inwardly hoping they might chop their bagman in
+cover. 'Y-o-o-icks! rout him out!' continued he, getting more energetic.
+'Y-o-o-icks! wind him! Y-o-o-icks! stir us hup a teaser!'</p>
+
+<p>'No go, I think,' observed George Cheek, ambling up on his leggy weed.</p>
+
+<p>'No go, ye young infidel,' growled Watchorn, 'who taught you to talk about
+go's, I wonder? ought to be at school larnin' to cipher, or ridin' the
+globes,' Mr. Watchorn not exactly knowing what the term 'use of the
+globes,' meant. 'D'ye call that <i>nothin</i>'!' exclaimed he, taking off his
+cap as he viewed the fox stealing along the gravel walk; adding to himself,
+as he saw his even action, and full, well-tagged brush, ''Ord rot him, he's
+got hold of the wrong 'un!'</p>
+
+<p>It was, however, no time for thought. In an instant the welkin rang with
+the outburst of the pack and the clamour of the field. 'Talli ho!' 'Talli
+ho!' 'Talli ho!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' cried a score of voices, and
+'Twang! twang! twang!' went the shrill horn of the huntsman. The whips,
+too, stood in their stirrups, cracking their ponderous thongs, which
+sounded like guns upon the frosty air, and contributed their 'Get together!
+get together, hounds!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark' to the
+general uproar. Oh, what a row, what a riot, what a racket! <a name="Page_541" id="Page_541"></a>Watchorn being
+'in' for it, and recollecting how many saw a start who never thought of
+seeing a finish, immediately got his horse by the head, and singled himself
+out from the crowd now pressing at his horse's heels, determining, if the
+hounds didn't run into their fox in the park, to ride them off the scent at
+the very first opportunity. The 'chumpine' being still alive within him, in
+the excitement of the moment he leaped the hand-gate leading out of the
+shrubberies into the park; the noise the horse made in taking off
+resembling the trampling on wood-pavement.</p>
+
+<p>'Cuss it, but it's 'ard!' exclaimed he, as the horse slid two or three
+yards as he alighted on the frozen field.</p>
+
+<p>George Cheek followed him; and Multum in Parvo, taking the bit deliberately
+between his teeth, just walked through the gate, as if it had been made of
+paper.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, ye brute!' groaned Mr. Sponge, in disgust, digging the Latchfords into
+his sides, as if he intended to make them meet in the middle. 'Ah, ye
+brute!' repeated he, giving him a hearty cropper as he put up his head
+after trying to kick him off.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, cantering up; adding, 'you cleared
+the way nicely for me.'</p>
+
+<p>Nicely he had cleared it for them all; and the pent-up tide of
+equestrianism now poured over the park like the flood of an irrigated water
+meadow. Such ponies! such horses! such hugging! such kicking! such
+scrambling! and so little progress with many!</p>
+
+<p>The park being extensive&mdash;three hundred acres or more&mdash;there was ample
+space for the aspiring ones to single themselves out; and as Lady
+Scattercash and Orlando sat in the pony-phaeton, on the rising ground by
+the keeper's house, they saw a dark-clad horseman (George Cheek), Old
+Gingerbread Boots, as they called Mr. Sponge, with Lucy Glitters alongside
+of him, gradually stealing away from the crowd, and creeping up to Mr.
+Watchorn, who was sailing away with the hounds.</p>
+
+<p>'What a scrimmage!' exclaimed her ladyship, standing up in the carriage,
+and eyeing the</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Strange confusion in the vale below.<br /></span>
+</div></div><p><a name="Page_542" id="Page_542"></a></p>
+
+<p>'There's Bob in his old purple,' said she, eyeing her brother hustling
+along; 'and there's "Fat" in his new Moses and Son; and Bouncey in poor
+Wax's coat; and there's Harry all legs and wings, as usual,' added she, as
+her husband was seen flibberty-gibbertying it along.</p>
+
+<p>'And there's Lucy; and where's Miss Howard, I wonder?' observed Orlando,
+straining his eyes after the scrambling field.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing but the inspiriting aid of 'chumpine,' and the hope that the thing
+would soon terminate, sustained Mr. Watchorn under the infliction in which
+he so unexpectedly found himself; for nothing would have tempted him to
+brave such a frost with the burning scent of a game four-legged fox. The
+park being spacious, and enclosed by a high plank paling, he hoped the fox
+would have the manners to confine himself within it; and so long as his
+threadings and windings favoured the supposition, our huntsman bustled
+along, yelling and screaming in apparent ecstasy at the top of his voice.
+The hounds, to be sure, wanted keeping together, for Frantic as usual had
+shot ahead, while the gorged pigpailers could never extricate themselves
+from the ponies.</p>
+
+<p>'F-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d!' elongated
+Watchorn, rising in his stirrups, and looking back with a grin at George
+Cheek, who was plying his weed with the whip, exclaiming, 'Ah, you
+confounded young warmint, I'll give you a warmin'! I'll teach you to jaw
+about 'untin'!'</p>
+
+<p>As he turned his head straight to look at his hounds, he was shocked to see
+Frantic falling backwards from a first attempt to leap the park-palings,
+and just as she gathered herself for a second effort, Desperate, Chatterer,
+and Galloper, charged in line and got over. Then came the general rush of
+the pack, attended with the usual success&mdash;some over, some back, some a-top
+of others.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the devil!' exclaimed Watchorn, pulling up short in a perfect agony of
+despair. 'Oh, the devil!' repeated he in a lower tone, as Mr. Sponge
+approached.</p>
+
+<p>'Where's there a gate?' roared our friend, skating up.</p>
+
+<p>'Gate! there's never a gate within a mile, and that's locked,' replied
+Watchorn sulkily.</p><p><a name="Page_543" id="Page_543"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Then here goes!' replied Mr. Sponge, gathering the chestnut together to
+give him an opportunity of purging himself of his previous <i>faux pas</i>.
+'Here goes!' repeated he, thrusting his hard hat firmly on his head. Taking
+his horse back a few paces, Mr. Sponge crammed him manfully at the palings,
+and got over with a rap.</p>
+
+<p>'Well done you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters in delight; adding to Watchorn,
+'Now, old Beardey, you go next.'</p>
+
+<p>Beardey was irresolute. He pretended to be anxious to get the tail hounds
+over.</p>
+
+<p>'Clear the way, then!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, putting her horse back, her
+bright eyes flashing as she spoke. She took him back as far as Mr. Sponge
+had done, touched him with the whip, and in an instant she was high in the
+air, landing safely on the far side.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Captains Quod and Cutitfat, who now came panting up.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, Mr. Watchorn!' cried Captain Seedeybuck, adding, 'You're a huntsman!'</p>
+
+<p>'Yooi over, Prosperous! Yooi over, Buster!' cheered Watchorn, still
+pretending anxiety about his hounds.</p>
+
+<p>'Let <i>me</i> have a shy,' squeaked George Cheek, backing his giraffe, as he
+had seen Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters do.</p>
+
+<p>George took his screw by the head, and, giving him a hearty rib-roasting
+with his whip, ran him full tilt at the palings, and carried away half a
+rood.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoo-ray!' cried the liberated field.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>I</i> knew how it would be,' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, in well-feigned disgust
+as he rode through the gap; adding, '<i>con</i>-founded young waggabone!
+Deserves to be well <i>chaste</i>-tized for breakin' people's palin's in that
+way&mdash;lettin' in all the rubbishin' tail.'</p>
+
+<p>The scene then changed. In lieu of the green, though hard, sward of the
+undulating park, our friends now found themselves on large frozen fallows,
+upon whose uneven surface the heaviest horses made no impression while the
+shuffling rats of ponies toiled and floundered about, almost receding in
+their progress. Mr. Sponge was just topping the fence out of the first one,
+and Miss Glitters was gathering her horse to ride at it, as<a name="Page_544" id="Page_544"></a> Watchorn and
+Co. emerged from the park. Rounding the turnip-hill beyond, the leading
+hounds were racing with a breast-high scent, followed by the pack in
+long-drawn file.</p>
+
+<p>'What a mess!' said Watchorn to himself, shading the sun from his eyes with
+his hand; when, remembering his <i>r&ocirc;le</i>, he exclaimed, 'Y-o-o-n-der they
+go!' as if in ecstasies at the sight. Seeing a gate at the bottom of the
+field, he got his horse by the head, and rattled him across the fallow,
+blowing his horn more in hopes of stopping the pack than with a view of
+bringing up the tail-hounds. He might have saved his breath, for the music
+of the pack completely drowned the noise of the horn. 'Dash it!' said he,
+thumping the broad end against his thigh; 'I wish I was quietly back in my
+parlour. Hold up, horse!' roared he, as Harkaway nearly came on his
+haunches in pulling up at the gate. 'I know who's <i>not</i> Cardinal Wiseman,'
+continued he, stooping to open it.</p>
+
+<p>The gate was fast, and he had to alight and lift it off its hinges. Just as
+he had done so, and had got it sufficiently open for a horse to pass,
+George Cheek came up from behind, and slipped through before him.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you unrighteous young renegade! Did ever mortal see sich an
+uncivilized trick?' roared Watchorn; adding, as he climbed on to his horse
+again, and went spluttering through the frozen turnips after the offender,
+'You've no 'quaintance with Lord John Manners, I think!'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh dear!&mdash;oh dear!' exclaimed he, as his horse nearly came on his head,
+'but this is the most punishin' affair I ever was in at. Puseyism's nothin'
+to it.' And thereupon he indulged in no end of anathemas at Slarkey for
+bringing the wrong fox.</p>
+
+<p>'About time to take soundings, and cast anchor, isn't it?' gasped Captain
+Bouncey, toiling up red-hot on his pulling horse in a state of utter
+exhaustion, as Watchorn stood craneing and looking at a rasper through
+which Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters had passed, without disturbing a twig.</p>
+
+<p>'C&mdash;a&mdash;s&mdash;t anchor!' exclaimed Watchorn, in a tone of derision&mdash;'not this
+half-hour yet, I hope!&mdash;not this forty minnits yet, I hope;&mdash;not this hour
+and twenty<a name="Page_545" id="Page_545"></a> minnits yet, I hope!' continued he, putting his horse
+irresolutely at the fence. The horse blundered through it, barking
+Watchorn's nose with a branch.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot it, cut off my nose!' exclaimed he, muffling it up in his hand.
+'Cut off my nose clean by my face, I do believe,' continued he, venturing
+to look into his hand for it. 'Well,' said he, eyeing the slight stain of
+blood on his glove, 'this will be a lesson to me as long as I live. If ever
+I 'unt again in a frost, may I be &mdash;&mdash;. Thank goodness! they've checked at
+last!' exclaimed he, as the music suddenly ceased, and Mr. Sponge and Miss
+Glitters sat motionless together on their panting, smoking steeds.</p>
+
+<p>Watchorn then stuck spurs to his horse, and being now on a flat rushy
+pasture, with a bridle-gate into the field where the hounds were casting,
+he hustled across, preparing his horn for a blow as soon as he got there.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' he went, riding up the hedgerow in the
+contrary direction to what the hounds leant. 'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' he
+continued, inwardly congratulating himself that the fox would never face
+the troop of urchins he saw coming down with their guns.</p>
+
+<p>'Hang him!&mdash;he's never that way!' observed Mr. Sponge, <i>sotto voce</i>, to
+Miss Glitters. 'He's never that way,' repeated he, seeing how Frantic flung
+to the right.</p>
+
+<p>'Twang&mdash;twang&mdash;twang,' went the horn, but the hounds regarded it not.</p>
+
+<p>'Do, Mr. Sponge, put the hounds to me!' roared Mr. Watchorn, dreading lest
+they might hit off the scent.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge answered the appeal by turning his horse the way the hounds were
+feathering, and giving them a slight cheer.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord rot it!' roared Watchorn, '<i>do</i> let 'em alone! that's a <i>fresh</i> fox!
+ours is over the 'ill,' pointing towards Bonnyfield Hill.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoop!' hallooed Mr. Sponge, taking off his hat, as Frantic hit off the
+scent to the right, and Galloper, and Melody, and all the rest scored to
+cry.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, you confounded brown-bouted beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, returning
+his horn to its case, and <a name="Page_546" id="Page_546"></a>eyeing Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters sailing away
+with the again breast-high-scent pack. 'Oh, you exorbitant usurer!'
+continued he, gathering his horse to skate after them. 'Well now, that's
+the most disgraceful proceedin' I ever saw in the whole course of my life.
+Hang me, if I'll stand such work! Dash me, but I'll 'quaint the
+Queen!&mdash;I'll tell Sir George Grey! I'll write to Mr. Walpole! Fo-orrard!
+fo-orrard!' hallooed he, as Bob Spangles and Bouncey popped upon him
+unexpectedly from behind, exclaiming with well-feigned glee, as he pointed
+to the streaming pack with his whip, ''Ord dash it, but we're in for a good
+thing!'</p>
+
+<p>Little Bouncey's horse was still yawning and star-gazing, and Bouncey,
+being quite unequal to riding him and well-nigh exhausted, 'downed' him
+against a rubbing-post in the middle of a field, making a 'cannon' with his
+own and his horse's head, and was immediately the centre of attraction for
+the panting tail. Bouncey got near a pint of sherry from among them before
+he recovered from the shock. So anxious were they about him, that not one
+of them thought of resuming the chase. Even the lagging whips couldn't
+leave him. George Cheek was presently <i>hors de combat</i> in a hedge, and
+Watchorn seeing him 'see-sawing,' exclaimed, as he slipped through a gate:</p>
+
+<p>'I'll send your mar to you, you young 'umbug.'</p>
+
+<p>Watchorn would gladly have stopped too, for the fumes of the champagne were
+dead within him, and the riding was becoming every minute more dangerous.
+He trotted on, hoping each jump of brown boots would be the last, and
+inwardly wishing the wearer at the devil. Thus he passed through a
+considerable extent of country, over Harrowdale Lordship, or reputed
+Lordship, past Roundington Tower, down Sloppyside Banks, and on to
+Cheeseington Green; the severity of his affliction being alone mitigated by
+the intervention of accommodating roads and lines of field gates. These,
+however, Mr. Sponge generally declined, and went crashing on, now over high
+places, now over low, just as they came in his way, closely followed by the
+fair Lucy Glitters.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I never see'd sich a man as that!' exclaimed<a name="Page_547" id="Page_547"></a> Watchorn, eyeing Mr.
+Sponge clearing a stiff flight of rails, with a gap near at hand. 'Nor
+woman nouther!' added he, as Miss Glitters did the like. 'Well, I'm dashed
+if it arn't dangerous!' continued he, thumping his hand against his thick
+thigh, as the white nearly slipped upon landing. 'F-o-r-r-ard! for-rard!
+hoop!' screeched he, as he saw Miss Glitters looking back to see where he
+was. 'F-o-r-rard! for-rard!' repeated he; adding, in apparent delight, 'My
+eyes, but we're in for a stinger! Hold up, horse!' roared he, as his horse
+now went starring up to the knees through a long sheet of ice, squirting
+the clayey water into his rider's face. 'Hold up!' repeated he, adding,
+'I'm dashed if one mightn't as well be crashin' over the Christial Palace
+as ridin' over a country froze in this way! 'Ord rot it, how cold it is!'
+continued he, blowing on his finger-ends; 'I declare my 'ands are quite
+numb. Well done, old brown bouts!' exclaimed he, as a crash on the right
+attracted his attention; 'well done, old brown bouts!&mdash;broke every bar i'
+the gate!' adding, 'but I'll let Mr. Buckram know the way his beautiful
+horses are 'bused. Well,' continued he, after a long skate down the grassy
+side of Ditchburn Lane, 'there's no fun in this&mdash;none whatever. Who the
+deuce would be a huntsman that could be anything else? Dash it! I'd rayther
+be a hosier&mdash;I'd rayther be a 'atter&mdash;I'd rayther be an undertaker&mdash;I'd
+rayther be a Pusseyite parson&mdash;I'd rayther be a pig-jobber&mdash;I'd rayther be
+a besom-maker&mdash;I'd rayther be a dog's-meat man&mdash;I'd rayther be a cat's-meat
+man&mdash;I'd rayther go about a sellin' of chick-weed and sparrow-grass!' added
+he, as his horse nearly slipped up on his haunches.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank 'eavens there's relief at last!' exclaimed he, as on rising
+Gimmerhog Hill he saw Farmer Saintfoin's southdowns wheeling and
+clustering, indicative of the fox having passed; 'thank 'eavens, there's
+relief at last!' repeated he, reining up his horse to see the hounds charge
+them.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters were now in the bottom below, fighting their
+way across a broad mill-course with a very stiff fence on the taking-off
+side.</p><p><a name="Page_548" id="Page_548"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Hold up!' roared Mr. Sponge, as, having bored a hole through the fence, he
+found himself on the margin of the water-race. The horse did hold up, and
+landed him&mdash;not without a scramble&mdash;on the far side. 'Run him at it, Lucy!'
+exclaimed Mr. Sponge, turning his horse half round to his fair companion.
+'Run him at it, Lucy!' repeated he; and Lucy fortunately hitting the gap,
+skimmed o'er the water like a swallow on a summer's eve.</p>
+
+<p>'Well done! you're a trump!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, standing in his
+stirrups, and holding on by the mane as his horse rose the opposing hill.</p>
+
+<p>He just got up in time to save the muttons; another second and the hounds
+would have been into them. Holding up his hand to beckon Lucy to stop, he
+sat eyeing them intently. Many of them had their heads up, and not a few
+were casting sheep's eyes at the sheep. Some few of the line hunters were
+persevering with the scent over the greasy ground. It was a critical
+moment. They cast to the right, then to the left, and again took a wider
+sweep in advance, returning however towards the sheep, as if they thought
+them the best spec after all.</p>
+
+<p>'Put 'em to me,' said Mr. Sponge, giving Miss Glitters his whip; 'put 'em
+to me!' said he, hallooing, 'Yor-geot, hounds!&mdash;yor-geot!'&mdash;which, being
+interpreted, means, 'here again, hounds!&mdash;here again!'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the conceited beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn to himself, as,
+disappointed of his finish, he sat feeling his nose, mopping his face, and
+watching the proceedings. 'Oh, the conceited beggar!' repeated he, adding,
+'old 'hogany bouts is <i>ab</i>solutely a goin' to kest them.'</p>
+
+<p>Cast them, however, he did, proceeding very cautiously in the direction the
+hounds seemed to lean. They were on a piece of cold scenting ground, across
+which they could hardly own the scent.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't hurry 'em!' cried Mr. Sponge to Miss Glitters, who was acting
+whipper-in with rather unnecessary vigour.</p>
+
+<p>As they got under the lee of the hedge, the scent improved a little, and,
+from an occasional feathering stern, a hound or two indulged in a whimper,
+until at length they fairly broke out in a cry. <a name="Page_549" id="Page_549"></a>'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+Watchorn to himself, looking first at the formidable leap before him, and
+then to see if there was any one coming up behind. 'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+he. 'No notion of lippin' of a navigable river&mdash;a downright arm of the
+sea,' added he, getting off.</p>
+
+<p>'Forward! forward!' screeched Mr. Sponge, capping the hounds on, when away
+they went, heads up and sterns down as before.</p>
+
+<p>'Ay, for-rard! for-rard!' mimicked Mr. Watchorn; adding, 'you're for-rard
+enough, at all events.'</p>
+
+<p>After running about three-quarters of a mile at best pace, Mr. Sponge
+viewed the fox crossing a large grass field with all the steam up he could
+raise, a few hundred yards ahead of the pack, who were streaming along most
+beautifully, not viewing, but gradually gaining upon him. At last they
+broke from scent to view, and presently rolled him over and over among
+them.</p>
+
+<p>'<span class="smcap">Who-hoop</span>!' screamed Mr. Sponge, throwing himself off his horse
+and rushing in amongst them. '<span class="smcap">Who-hoop</span>!' repeated he, still
+louder, holding the fox up in grim death above the baying pack.</p>
+
+<p>'Who-hoop!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, reining up in delight alongside the
+chestnut. 'Who-hoop!' repeated she, diving into the saddle-pocket for her
+lace-fringed handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>'Throw me my whip!' cried Mr. Sponge, repelling the attacks of the hounds
+from behind with his heels. Having got it, he threw the fox on the ground,
+and clearing a circle, he off with his brush in an instant. 'Tear him and
+eat him!' cried he, as the pack broke in on the carcass. 'Tear him and eat
+him!' repeated he, as he made his way up to Miss Glitters with the brush,
+exclaiming, 'We'll put this in your hat, alongside the cock's feathers.'</p>
+
+<p>The fair lady leant towards him, and as he adjusted it becomingly in her
+hat, looking at her bewitching eyes, her lovely face, and feeling the sweet
+fragrance of her breath, a something shot through Mr. Sponge's pull-devil,
+pull-baker coat, his corduroy waistcoat, his Eureka shirt, Angola vest, and
+penetrated the very cockles of his heart. He gave her such a series of
+smacking kisses <a name="Page_550" id="Page_550"></a>as startled her horse and astonished a poacher who
+happened to be hid in the adjoining hedge.</p>
+
+<p>Sponge was never so happy in his life. He could have stood on his head, or
+been guilty of any sort of extravagance, short of wasting his money. Oh, he
+was happy! Oh, he was joyous! He was intoxicated with pleasure. As he eyed
+his angelic charmer, her lustrous eyes, her glowing cheeks, her pearly
+teeth, the bewitching fulness of her elegant <i>tournure</i>, and thought of the
+masterly way she rode the run&mdash;above all, of the dashing style in which she
+charged the mill-race&mdash;he felt a something quite different to anything he
+had experienced with any of the buxom widows or lackadaisical misses whom
+he could just love or not, according to circumstances, among whom his
+previous experience had lain. Miss Glitters, he knew, had nothing, and yet
+he felt he could not do without her; the puzzlement of his mind was, how
+the deuce they should manage matters&mdash;'make tongue and buckle meet,' as he
+elegantly phrased it.</p>
+
+<p>It is pleasant to hear a bachelor's pros and cons on the subject of
+matrimony; how the difficulties of the gentleman out of love vanish or
+change into advantages with the one in&mdash;'Oh, I would never think of
+marrying without a couple of thousand a year at the <i>very least</i>!' exclaims
+young Fastly. '<i>I</i> can't do without four hunters and a hack. <i>I</i> can't do
+without a valet. <i>I</i> can't do without a brougham. <i>I</i> must belong to
+half-a-dozen clubs. <i>I'll</i> not marry any woman who can't keep me
+comfortable&mdash;bachelors can live upon nothing&mdash;bachelors are welcome
+everywhere&mdash;very different thing with a wife. Frightful things milliners'
+bills&mdash;fifty guineas for a dress, twenty for a bonnet&mdash;ladies' maids are
+the very devil&mdash;never satisfied&mdash;far worse to please than their
+mistresses.' And between the whiffs of a cigar he hums the old saw&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Needles and pins, needles and pins,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When a man marries his sorrow begins.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Now take him on the other tack&mdash;Fast is smitten.</p>
+
+<p>''Ord hang it! a married man can live on very little,' soliloquizes our
+friend. A nice lovely creature to keep one at home. Hunting's all humbug;
+it's only the flash <a name="Page_551" id="Page_551"></a>of the thing that makes one follow it. Then the danger
+far more than counterbalances the pleasure. Awful places one has to ride
+over, to be sure, or submit to be called "slow." Horrible thing to set up
+for a horseman, and then have to ride to maintain one's reputation. Will be
+thankful to give it up altogether. The bays will make capital
+carriage-horses, and one can often pick up a second-hand carriage as good
+as new. Shall save no end of money by not having to put "B" to my name in
+the assessed tax-payer. One club's as good as a dozen&mdash;will give up the
+Polyanthus and the Sunflower, and the Refuse and the Rag. Ladies' dresses
+are cheap enough. Saw a beautiful gown t'other day for a guinea. Will start
+Master Bergamotte. Does nothing for his wages; will scarce clean my boots.
+Can get a chap for half what I give him, who'll do double the work. Will
+make Beans into coachman. What a convenience to have one's wife's maid to
+sew on one's buttons, and keep one's toes in one's stocking-feet! Declare I
+lose half my things at the washing for want of marking. Hanged if I won't
+marry and be respectable&mdash;marriage is an honourable state!' And thereupon
+Tom grows a couple of inches taller in his own conceit.</p>
+
+<p>Though Mr. Sponge's thoughts did not travel in quite such a luxurious
+first-class train as the foregoing, he, Mr. Sponge, being more of a
+two-shirts-and-a-dicky sort of man, yet still the future ways and means
+weighed upon his mind, and calmed the transports of his present joy. Lucy
+was an angel! about that there was no dispute. He would make her Mrs.
+Sponge at all events. Touring about was very expensive. He could only
+counterbalance the extravagance of inns by the rigid rule of giving nothing
+to servants at private houses. He thought a nice airy lodging in the
+suburbs of London would answer every purpose, while his accurate knowledge
+of cab-fares would enable Lucy to continue her engagement at the Royal
+Amphitheatre without incurring the serious overcharges the inexperienced
+are exposed to. 'Where one can dine, two can dine,' mused Mr. Sponge; 'and
+I make no doubt we'll manage matters somehow.'</p>
+
+<p>'Twopence for your thoughts!' cried Lucy, trotting <a name="Page_552" id="Page_552"></a>up, and touching him
+gently on the back with her light silver-mounted riding-whip. 'Twopence for
+your thoughts!' repeated she, as Mr. Sponge sauntered leisurely along,
+regardless of the bitter cold, followed by such of the hounds as chose to
+accompany him.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah!' replied he, brightening up; 'I was just thinking what a deuced good
+run we'd had.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed!' pouted the fair lady.</p>
+
+<p>'No, my darling; I was thinking what a very pretty girl you are,' rejoined
+he, sidling his horse up, and encircling her neat waist with his arm.</p>
+
+<p>A sweet smile dimpled her plump cheeks, and chased the recollection of the
+former answer away.</p>
+
+<p>It would not be pretty&mdash;indeed, we could not pretend to give even the
+outline of the conversation that followed. It was carried on in such broken
+and disjointed sentences, eyes and squeezes doing so much more work than
+words, that even a reporter would have had to draw largely upon his
+imagination for the substance. Suffice it to say that, though the
+thermometer was below zero, they never moved out of a foot's pace; the very
+hounds growing tired of the trail, and slinking off one by one as the
+opportunity occurred.</p>
+
+<p>A dazzling sun was going down with a blood-red glare, and the partially
+softened ground was fast resuming its fretwork of frost, as our hero and
+heroine were seen sauntering up the western avenue to Nonsuch House, as
+slowly and quietly as if it had been the hottest evening in summer.</p>
+
+<p>'Here's old Coppertops!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck, as, turning round in
+the billiard-room to chalk his cue, he espied them crawling along. 'And
+Lucy!' added he as he stood watching them.</p>
+
+<p>'How slowly they come!' observed Bob Spangles, going to the window.</p>
+
+<p>'Must have tired their horses,' suggested Captain Quod.</p>
+
+<p>'Just the sort of man to tire a horse,' rejoined Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'Hate that Sponge,' observed Captain Cutitfat.</p>
+
+<p>'So do I,' replied Captain Quod.</p><p><a name="Page_553" id="Page_553"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind the beggar! It's you to play!' exclaimed Bob Spangles to
+Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>But Lady Scattercash, who was observing our friends from her boudoir
+window, saw with a woman's eye that there was something more than a mere
+case of tired horses; and, tripping downstairs, she arrived at the front
+door just as the fair Lucy dropped smilingly from her horse into Mr.
+Sponge's extended arms. Hurrying up into the boudoir, Lucy gave her
+ladyship one of Mr. Sponge's modified kisses, revealing the truth more
+eloquently than words could convey.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh,' Lady Scattercash was '<i>so</i> glad!' '<i>so</i> delighted!' '<i>so</i> charmed!'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge was <i>such</i> a <i>nice</i> man, and <i>so rich</i>. She was sure he was
+rich&mdash;couldn't hunt if he wasn't. Would advise Lucy to have a good
+settlement, in case he broke his neck. And pin-money! pin-money was most
+useful! no husband ever let his wife have enough money. Must forget all
+about Harry Dacre and Charley Brown, and the swell in the Blues. Must be
+prudent for the future. Mr. Sponge would never know anything of the past.
+Then she reverted to the interesting subject of settlements. 'What had Mr.
+Sponge got, and what would he do?' This Lucy couldn't tell. 'What! hadn't
+he told her where is estates were?&mdash;'No.' 'Well, was his dad dead?' This
+Lucy didn't know either. They had got no further than the tender prop. 'Ah!
+well; would get it all out of him by degrees.' And with the reiteration of
+her 'so glads,' and the repayment of the kiss Lucy had advanced, her
+ladyship advised her to get off her habit and make herself comfortable
+while she ran downstairs to communicate the astonishing intelligence to the
+party below.</p>
+
+<p>'What d'ye think?' exclaimed she, bursting into the billiard-room, where
+the party were still engaged in a game at pool, all our sportsmen, except
+Captain Cutitfat, who still sported his new Moses and Son's scarlet, having
+divested themselves of their hunting-gear&mdash;'What d'ye think?' exclaimed
+she, darting into the middle of them.</p>
+
+<p>'That Bob don't cannon?' observed Captain Bouncey <a name="Page_554" id="Page_554"></a>from below the bandage
+that encircled his broken head, nodding towards Bob Spangles, who was just
+going to make a stroke.</p>
+
+<p>'That Wax is out of limbo?' suggested Captain Seedeybuck, in the same
+breath.</p>
+
+<p>'No. Guess again!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, rubbing her hands in high
+glee.</p>
+
+<p>'That the Pope's got a son?' observed Captain Quod.</p>
+
+<p>'No. Guess again!' exclaimed her ladyship, laughing.</p>
+
+<p>'I give it up,' replied Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'So do I,' added Captain Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'<i>That Mr. Sponge is going to be married</i>,' enunciated her ladyship, slowly
+and emphatically, waving her arms.</p>
+
+<p>'Ho-o-ray! Only think of that!' exclaimed Captain Quod. 'Old 'hogany-tops
+goin' to be spliced!'</p>
+
+<p>'Did you ever?' asked Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I <i>never</i>,' replied Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'He should be called Spooney Sponge, not Soapey Sponge,' observed Captain
+Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, but to whom?' asked Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah, to whom indeed! That's the question,' rejoined her ladyship archly.</p>
+
+<p>'I know,' observed Bob Spangles.</p>
+
+<p>'No, you don't.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I do.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who is it, then?' demanded her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'Lucy Glitters, to be sure,' replied Bob, who hadn't had his stare out of
+the billiard-room window for nothing.</p>
+
+<p>'Pity her,' observed Bouncey, sprawling along the billiard-table to play
+for a cannon.</p>
+
+<p>'Why?' asked Lady Scattercash.</p>
+
+<p>'Reg'lar scamp,' replied Bouncey, vexed at missing his stroke.</p>
+
+<p>'Dare say you know nothing about him,' snapped her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't I?' replied Bouncey complacently; adding, 'that's all you know.'</p><p><a name="Page_555" id="Page_555"></a></p>
+
+<p>'He'll whop her, to a certainty,' observed Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'What makes you think that?' asked her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh&mdash;ha&mdash;hem&mdash;haw&mdash;why, because he whopped his poor horse&mdash;whopped him over
+the ears. Whop his horse, whop his wife; whop his wife, whop his horse.
+Reg'lar Rule-of-three sum.'</p>
+
+<p>'Make her a bad husband, I dare say,' observed Bob Spangles, who was rather
+smitten with Lucy himself.</p>
+
+<p>'Never mind; a bad husband's a deal better than none, Bob,' replied Lady
+Scattercash, determined not to be put out of conceit of her man.</p>
+
+<p>'He, he, he!&mdash;haw, haw, haw!&mdash;ho, ho, ho! Well done you!' laughed several.</p>
+
+<p>'She'll have to keep him,' observed Captain Cutitfat, whose turn it now was
+to play.</p>
+
+<p>'What makes you think that?' asked Lady Scattercash, coming again to the
+charge.</p>
+
+<p>'He has nothing,' replied Fat coolly.</p>
+
+<p>''Deed, but he has&mdash;a very good property, too,' replied her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p>'In <i>Air</i>shire, I should think,' rejoined Fat.</p>
+
+<p>'No, in Englandshire,' retorted her ladyship: 'and great expectations from
+an uncle,' added she.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah&mdash;he looks like a man to be on good terms with his uncle,' sneered
+Captain Bouncey.</p>
+
+<p>'Make no doubt he pays him many a visit,' observed Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed! that's all you know,' snapped Lady Scattercash.</p>
+
+<p>'It's not all I know,' replied Seedeybuck.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, what else do you know?' asked she.</p>
+
+<p>'I know he has nothing,' replied Seedey.</p>
+
+<p>'How do you know it?'</p>
+
+<p>'I <i>know</i>,' said Seedey, with an emphasis, now settling to his stroke.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, never mind,' retorted her ladyship; 'if he has nothing, she has
+nothing, and nothing can be nicer.'</p>
+
+<p>So saying, she hurried out of the room.</p><p><a name="Page_556" id="Page_556"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXVI" id="CHAPTER_LXVI"></a>CHAPTER LXVI</h2>
+
+<h3>MR. SPONGE AT HOME</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/image556.jpg" width="200" height="183" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>ponge was most warmly congratulated by Sir Harry and all the assembled
+captains, who inwardly hoped his marriage would have the effect of
+'snuffing him out,' as they said, and they had a most glorious
+jollification on the strength of it. They drank Lucy's and his health nine
+times over, with nine times nine each time. The consequence was, that the
+footmen and shutter were in earlier requisition than usual to carry them to
+their respective apartments. Sponge's head throbbed a good deal the next
+morning; nor was the pulsation abated by the recollection of his
+matrimonial engagement, and his total inability to keep the angel who had
+ridden herself into his affections. However, like all untried men, he was
+strong in the confidence of his own ability, and the sight of his smiling
+charmer chased away all prudential considerations as quickly as they arose.
+He made no doubt there would something turn up.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, he was in good quarters, and Lady Scattercash having warmly
+espoused his cause, he assumed a considerable standing in the
+establishment. Old Beardey having ventured to complain of his interference
+in the kennel, my lady curtly told him he might 'make himself scarce if he
+liked'; a step that Beardey was quite ready to take, having heard of a
+desirable public-house at Newington Butts, provided Sir Harry paid him his
+wages. This not being quite convenient, Sir Harry gave him an order on
+'Cabbage and Co.' for three suits of clothes, and acquiesced in his taking
+a massive silver soup-tureen, on which, beneath the many quartered
+Scattercash arms, Mr. Watchorn placed an inscription, <a name="Page_557" id="Page_557"></a>stating that it was
+presented to him by Sir Harry Scattercash, Baronet, and the noblemen and
+gentlemen of his hunt, in admiration of his talents as a huntsman and his
+character as a man.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge then became still more at home. It was very soon 'my hounds,'
+and 'my horses,' and 'my whips'; and he wrote to Jawleyford, and
+Puffington, and Guano, and Lumpleg, and Washball, and Spraggon, offering to
+make meets to suit their convenience, and even to mount them if required.
+His <i>Mogg</i> was quite neglected in favour of Lucy; and it says much for the
+influence of female charms that, before they had been engaged a fortnight,
+he, who had been a perfect oracle in cab fares, would have been puzzled to
+tell the most ordinary fare on the most frequented route. He had forgotten
+all about them. Nevertheless, Lucy and he went out hunting as often as they
+could raise hounds, and when they had a good run and killed, he saluted
+her; and when they didn't kill, why&mdash;he just did the same. He headed and
+tailed the stringing pack, drafted the skirters and babblers (which he sent
+to Lord Scamperdale, with his compliments), and presently had the uneven
+kennel in something like shape.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image557.jpg" width="300" height="275" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Nor was this the only way in which he made himself useful, for Nonsuch
+House being now supported almost entirely by voluntary contributions&mdash;that
+is to say, by the gullibility of tradesmen&mdash;his street and shop knowledge
+was valuable in determining who to 'do.' With the Post Office Directory and
+Mr. Sponge at his elbow, Mr. Bottleends, the butler&mdash;'delirius tremendous,'
+as Bottleends called it, having quite incapacitated Sir Harry&mdash;wrote off
+for champagne from this man, sherry from that, turtle from a third, turbot
+from a fourth, tea from a fifth, truffles from a sixth, wax-lights from
+one, sperm from another; and down came the things with <a name="Page_558" id="Page_558"></a>such alacrity, such
+thanks for the past and hopes for the future, as we poor devils of the
+untitled world are quite unacquainted with. Nay, not content with giving
+him the goods, many of the poor demented creatures actually paraded their
+folly at their doors in new deal packing-cases, flourishingly directed
+'<span class="smcap">to sir harry scattercash, bart., nonsuch house,</span> &amp;c. <i>By Express
+Train</i>.' In some cases they even paid the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>And here, in the midst of love, luxury, and fox-hunting, let us for a time
+leave our enterprising friend, Mr. Sponge, while we take a look at a
+species of cruelty that some people call 'sport.' For this purpose we will
+begin a fresh chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXVII" id="CHAPTER_LXVII"></a>CHAPTER LXVII</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW THEY GOT UP THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC STEEPLE-CHASE'</h3>
+
+
+<p>There is no saying what advantages railway communication may confer upon a
+country. But for the Granddiddle Junction, &mdash;&mdash;shire never would have had a
+steeple-chase&mdash;an 'Aristocratic,' at least&mdash;for it is observable that the
+more snobbish a thing is, the more certain they are to call it
+aristocratic. When it is too bad for anything, they call it 'Grand.' Well,
+as we said before, but for the Granddiddle Junction, &mdash;&mdash;shire would never
+have had a 'Grand Aristocratic Steeple-Chase.' A few friends or farmers
+might have got up a quiet thing among themselves, but it would never have
+seen a regular trade transaction, with its swell mob, sham captains, and
+all the paraphernalia of odd laying, 'secret tips,' and market rigging. Who
+will deny the benefit that must accrue to any locality by the infusion of
+all the loose fish of the kingdom?</p>
+
+<p>Formerly the prize-fights were the perquisite of the publicans. They it was
+who arranged for Shaggy Tom to pound Harry Billy's nob upon So-and-so's
+land, the preference being given to the locality that subscribed the most
+money to the fight. Since the decline of 'the ring,' steeple-chasing, and
+that still smaller grade of gambling&mdash;coursing, <a name="Page_559" id="Page_559"></a>have come to their aid.
+Nine-tenths of the steeple-chasing and coursing-matches are got up by
+inn-keepers, for the good of their houses. Some of the town publicans,
+indeed, seem to think that the country was just made for their matches to
+come off in, and scarcely condescend to ask the leave of the landowners.</p>
+
+<p>We saw an advertisement the other day, where a low publican, in a
+manufacturing town, assured the subscribers to his coursing-club that he
+would take care to select open ground, with 'plenty of stout hares,' as if
+all the estates in the neighbourhood were at his command. Another
+advertised a steeple-chase in the centre of a good hunting
+country&mdash;'amateur and gentleman riders'&mdash;with a half-crown ordinary at the
+end! Fancy the respectability of a steeple-chase, with a half-crown
+ordinary at the end!</p>
+
+<p>Our 'Aristocratic' was got up on the good-of-the-house principle. Whatever
+benefit the Granddiddle Junction conferred upon the country at large, it
+had a very prejudicial effect upon the Old Duke of Cumberland Hotel and
+Posting House, which it left, high and dry, at an angle sufficiently near
+to be tantalized by the whirr and the whistle of the trains, and yet too
+far off to be benefited by the parties they brought. This once
+well-accustomed hostelry was kept by one Mr. Viney, a former butler in the
+Scattercash family, and who still retained the usual 'old and faithful
+servant' <i>entr&eacute;e</i> of Nonsuch House, having his beefsteak and bottle of wine
+in the steward's room whenever he chose to call. Viney had done good at the
+Old Duke of Cumberland; and no one, seeing him 'full fig,' would recognize,
+in the solemn grandeur of his stately person, the dirty knife-boy who had
+filled the place now occupied by the still dirtier Slarkey. But the days of
+road travelling departed, and Viney, who, beneath the Grecian-columned
+portico of his country-house-looking hotel, modulated the ovations of his
+cauliflower head to every description of traveller&mdash;from the lordly
+occupant of the barouche-and-four, down to the humble sitter in a gig&mdash;was
+cut off by one fell swoop from all further traffic. He was extinguished
+like a gaslight, and the pipe was laid on a fresh line.</p><p><a name="Page_560" id="Page_560"></a></p>
+
+<p>Fortunately Mr. Viney was pretty warm; he had done pretty well; and having
+enjoyed the intimacy of the great 'Jeames' of railway times, had got a hint
+not to engage the hotel beyond the opening of the line. Consequently, he
+now had the great house for a mere nothing until such times as the owner
+could convert it into that last refuge for deserted houses&mdash;an academy, or
+a 'young ladies' seminary.' Mr. Viney now, having plenty of leisure,
+frequently drove his 'missis' (once a lady's maid in a quality family) up
+to Nonsuch House, as well for the sake of the airing&mdash;for the road was
+pleasant and picturesque&mdash;as to see if he could get the 'little trifle' Sir
+Harry owed him for post-horses, bottles of soda-water, and such trifles as
+country gentlemen run up scores for at their posting-houses&mdash;scores that
+seldom get smaller by standing. In these excursions Mr. Viney made the
+acquaintance of Mr. Watchorn; and a huntsman being a character with whom
+even the landlord of an inn&mdash;we beg pardon, hotel and posting-house&mdash;may
+associate without degradation, Viney and Watchorn became intimate. Watchorn
+sympathized with Viney, and never failed to take a glass in passing, either
+at exercise or out hunting, to deplore that such a nice-looking house, so
+'near the station, too,' should be ruined as an inn. It was after a more
+than usual libation that Watchorn, trotting merrily along with the hounds,
+having accomplished three blank days in succession, asked himself, as he
+looked upon the surrounding vale from the rising ground of Hammercock Hill,
+with the cream-coloured station and the rose-coloured hotel peeping through
+the trees, whether something might not be done to give the latter a lift.
+At first he thought of a pigeon match&mdash;a sweepstake open to all
+England&mdash;fifty members say, at two pound ten each, seven pigeons, seven
+sparrows, twenty-one yards rise, two ounces of shot, and so on. But then,
+again, he thought there would be a difficulty in getting guns. A coursing
+match&mdash;how would that do? Answer: 'No hares.' The farmers had made such an
+outcry about the game, that the landowners had shot them all off, and now
+the farmers were grumbling that they couldn't get a course.</p><p><a name="Page_561" id="Page_561"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Dash my buttons!' exclaimed Watchorn; 'it would be the very thing for a
+steeple-chase! There's old Puff's hounds, and old Scamp's hounds, and these
+hounds,' looking down on the ill-sorted lot around him; 'and the deuce is
+in it if we couldn't give the thing such a start as would bring down the
+lads of the "village," and a vast amount of good business might be done.
+I'm dashed if it isn't the very country for a steeple-chase!' continued
+Watchorn, casting his eye over Cloverly Park, round the enclosure of
+Langworth Grange, and up the rising ground of Lark Lodge.</p>
+
+<p>The more Watchorn thought of it, the more he was satisfied of its
+feasibility, and he trotted over, the next day, to the Old Duke of
+Cumberland, to see his friend on the subject. Viney, like most victuallers,
+was more given to games of skill&mdash;billiards, shuttlecock, skittles,
+dominoes, and so on&mdash;than to the rude out-of-door chances of flood and
+field, and at first he doubted his ability to grapple with the details; but
+on Mr. Watchorn's assurance that he would keep him straight, he gave Mrs.
+Viney a key, desiring her to go into the inner cellar, and bring out a
+bottle of the green seal. This was ninety-shilling sherry&mdash;very good stuff
+to take; and, by the time they got into the second bottle, they had got
+into the middle of the scheme too. Viney was cautious and thoughtful. He
+had a high opinion of Watchorn's sagacity, and so long as Watchorn confined
+himself to weights, and stakes, and forfeits, and so on, he was content to
+leave himself in the hands of the huntsman; but when Watchorn came to talk
+of 'stewards,' putting this person and that together, Viney's experience
+came in aid. Viney knew a good deal. He had not stood twisting a napkin
+negligently before a plate-loaded sideboard without picking up a good many
+waifs and strays in the shape of those ins and outs, those likings and
+dislikings, those hatreds and jealousies, that foolish people let fall so
+freely before servants, as if for all the world the servants were
+sideboards themselves; and he had kept up his stock of service-gained
+knowledge by a liberal, though not a dignity-compromising intercourse&mdash;for
+there is no greater aristocrat than your out-of-livery <a name="Page_562" id="Page_562"></a>servant&mdash;among the
+upper servants of all the families in the neighbourhood, so that he knew to
+a nicety who would pull together, and who wouldn't, whose name it would not
+do to mention to this person, and who it would not do to apply to before
+that.</p>
+
+<p>Neither Watchorn nor Viney being sportsmen, they thought they had nothing
+to do but apply to two friends who were; and after thinking over who hunted
+in couples, they were unfortunate enough to select our Flat Hat friends,
+Fyle and Fossick. Fyle was indignant beyond measure at being asked to be
+steward to a steeple-chase, and thrust the application into the fire; while
+Fossick just wrote below, 'I'll see you hanged first,' and sent it back
+without putting even a fresh head on the envelope. Nothing daunted,
+however, they returned to the charge, and without troubling the reader with
+unnecessary detail, we think it will be generally admitted that they at
+length made an excellent selection in Mr. Puffington, Guano, and Tom
+Washball.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image562.jpg" width="300" height="201" alt="MR. VINEY AND MR. WATCHORN GETTING UP &#39;THE GRAND
+ARISTOCRATIC&#39;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. VINEY AND MR. WATCHORN GETTING UP &#39;THE GRAND
+ARISTOCRATIC&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Fortune favoured them also in getting a locality to run in, for Timothy
+Scourgefield, of Broom Hill, whose farm commanded a good circular three
+miles of country, with every variety of obstacle, having thrown up his
+lease for a thirty-per-cent reduction&mdash;a giving up that had been most
+unhandsomely accepted by his landlord&mdash;Timothy was most anxious to pay him
+off by doing every conceivable injury to the farm, than which nothing can
+be more promising than having a steeple-chase run over it. Scourgefield,
+therefore, readily agreed to let Viney and Watchorn do whatever they liked,
+on condition that he received entrance-money at the gate.</p><p><a name="Page_563" id="Page_563"></a></p>
+
+<p>The name occupied their attention some time, for it did not begin as the
+'Aristocratic.' The 'Great National,' the 'Grand Naval and Military,' the
+'Sports-man,' the 'Talli-ho,' the 'Out-and-Outer,' the 'Swell,' were all
+considered and canvassed, and its being called the 'Aristocratic' at length
+turned upon whether they got Lord Scamperdale to subscribe or not. This was
+accomplished by a deferential call by Mr. Viney upon Mr. Spraggon, with a
+little bill for three pound odd, which he presented, with the most urgent
+request that Jack wouldn't think of it then&mdash;any time that was most
+convenient to Mr. Spraggon&mdash;and then the introduction of the neatly-headed
+sheet-list. It was lucky that Viney was so easily satisfied, for poor Jack
+had only thirty shillings, of which he owed his washerwoman eight, and he
+was very glad to stuff Viney's bill into his stunner jacket-pocket, and
+apply himself exclusively to the contemplated steeple-chase.</p>
+
+<p>Like most of us, Jack had no objection to make a little money; and as he
+squinted his frightful eyes inside out at the paper, he thought over what
+horses they had in the stable that were like the thing; and then he sounded
+Viney as to whether he would put him one up for nothing, if he could induce
+his lordship to send. This, of course, Viney readily assented to, and again
+requesting Jack not to <i>think</i> of his little bill till it was <i>perfectly</i>
+convenient to him&mdash;a favour that Jack was pretty sure to accord him&mdash;Mr.
+Viney took his departure, Jack undertaking to write him the result. The
+next day's post brought Viney the document&mdash;unpaid, of course&mdash;with a great
+'Scamperdale' scrawled across the top; and forthwith it was decided that
+the steeple-chase should be called the 'Grand Aristocratic.' Other names
+quickly followed, and it soon assumed an importance. Advertisements
+appeared in all the sporting and would-be sporting papers, headed with the
+imposing names of the stewards, secretary, and clerk of the course, Mr.
+Viney. The 'Grand Aristocratic Stakes,' of 20 sovs. each, half-forfeit, and
+&pound;5 only if declared, &amp;c. The winner to give two dozen of champagne to the
+ordinary, and the second horse to save his stake. Gentlemen <a name="Page_564" id="Page_564"></a>riders (titled
+ones to be allowed 3 lb.). Over about three miles of fine hunting country,
+under the usual steeple-chase conditions.</p>
+
+<p>Then the game of the 'Peeping Toms,' and 'Sly Sams,' and 'Infallible Joes,'
+and 'Wideawake Jems,' with their tips and distribution of prints began; Tom
+counselling his numerous and daily increasing clients to get well on to No.
+9, Sardanapalus (the Bart., as Watchorn called him), while 'Infallible Joe'
+recommended his friends and patrons to be sweet on No. 6 (Hercules), and
+'Wide-awake Jem' was all for something else. A gentleman who took the
+trouble of getting tips from half a dozen of them, found that no two of
+them agreed in any particular. What information to make books upon!</p>
+
+<p>'But what good,' as our excellent friend Thackeray eloquently asks, 'ever
+came out of, or went into, a betting book? If I could be <span class="smcap">Caliph
+Omar</span> for a week,' says he, 'I would pitch every one of those
+despicable manuscripts into the flames; from my-lord's, who is "in" with
+Jack Snaffle's stable, and is overreaching worse-informed rogues, and
+swindling greenhorns, down to Sam's, the butcher's boy, who books
+eighteen-penny odds in the tap-room, and stands to win five-and-twenty
+bob.' We say ditto to that, and are not sure that we wouldn't hang a 'leg'
+or a 'list' man or two into the bargain.</p>
+
+<p>Watchorn had a prophet of his own, one Enoch Wriggle, who, having tried his
+hand unsuccessfully first at tailoring, next as an accountant, then in the
+watercress, afterwards in the buy ''at-box, bonnet-box,' and lastly in the
+stale lobster and periwinkle line, had set up as an oracle on turf matters,
+forwarding the most accurate and infallible information to flats in
+exchange for half-crowns, heading his advertisements, 'If it be a sin to
+covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive!' Enoch did a considerable
+stroke of business, and couched his advice in such dubious terms, as
+generally to be able to claim a victory whichever way the thing went. So
+the 'offending soul' prospered; and from scarcely having shoes to his feet,
+he very soon set up a gig.</p><p><a name="Page_565" id="Page_565"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXVIII" id="CHAPTER_LXVIII"></a>CHAPTER LXVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC' CAME OFF</h3>
+
+
+<p>Steeple-chases are generally crude, ill-arranged things. Few sportsmen will
+act as stewards a second time; while the victim to the popular delusion of
+patronizing our 'national sports' considers&mdash;like gentlemen who have served
+the office of sheriff, or church-warden&mdash;that once in a lifetime is enough;
+hence, there is always the air of amateur actorship about them. There is
+always something wanting or forgotten. Either they forget the ropes, or
+they forget the scales, or they forget the weights, or they forget the
+bell, or&mdash;more commonly still&mdash;some of the parties forget themselves.
+Farmers, too, are easily satisfied with the benefits of an irresponsible
+mob careering over their farms, even though some of them are attired in the
+miscellaneous garb of hunting and racing costume. Indeed, it is just this
+mixture of two sports that spoils both; steeple-chasing being neither
+hunting nor racing. It has not the wild excitement of the one, nor the
+accurate calculating qualities of the other. The very horses have a
+peculiar air about them&mdash;neither hunters nor hacks, nor yet exactly
+race-horses. Some of them, doubtless, are fine, good-looking,
+well-conditioned animals; but the majority are lean, lathy, sunken-eyed,
+woe-begone, iron-marked, desperately-abused brutes, lacking all the lively
+energy that characterizes the movements of the up-to-the-mark hunter. In
+the early days of steeple-chasing a popular fiction existed that the horses
+were hunters; and grooms and fellows used to come nicking and grinning up
+to masters of hounds at checks and critical times, requesting them to note
+that they were out, in order to ask for certificates of the horses having
+been 'regularly hunted'&mdash;a species of regularity than which nothing could
+be more irregular. That nuisance, thank goodness, is abated. A
+steeple-chaser now generally stands on his own merits; a change for which
+sportsmen may be thankful.</p><p><a name="Page_566" id="Page_566"></a></p>
+
+<p>But to our story.</p>
+
+<p>The whole country was in a commotion about this 'Aristocratic'. The
+unsophisticated looked upon it as a grand <i>r&eacute;union</i> of the aristocracy; and
+smart bonnets and cloaks, and jackets and parasols were ordered with the
+liberality incident to a distant view of Christmas. As Viney sipped his
+sherry-cobler of an evening, he laughed at the idea of a
+son-of-a-day-labourer like himself raising such a dust. Letters came
+pouring in to the clerk of the course from all quarters; some asking about
+beds; some about breakfasts; some about stakes; some about stables; some
+about this thing, some about that. Every room in the Old Duke of Cumberland
+was speedily bespoke. Post-horses rose in price, and Dobbin and Smiler, and
+Jumper and Cappy, and Jessy and Tumbler were jobbed from the neighbouring
+farmers, and converted for the occasion into posters. At last came the
+great and important day&mdash;day big with the fate of thousands of pounds; for
+the betting-list vermin had been plying their trade briskly throughout the
+kingdom, and all sorts of rumours had been raised relative to the qualities
+and conditions of the horses.</p>
+
+<p>Who doesn't know the chilling feel of an English spring, or rather of a day
+at the turn of the year before there is any spring? Our gala-day was a
+perfect specimen of the order&mdash;a white frost succeeded by a bright sun,
+with an east wind, warming one side of the face and starving the other. It
+was neither a day for fishing, nor hunting, nor coursing, nor anything but
+farming. The country, save where there were a few lingering patches of
+turnips, was all one dingy drab, with abundant scalds on the undrained
+fallows. The grass was more like hemp than anything else. The very rushes
+were yellow and sickly.</p>
+
+<p>Long before midday the whole country was in commotion. The same sort of
+people commingled that one would expect to see if there was a balloon to go
+up, and a man to go down, or be hung at the same place. Fine ladies in all
+the colours of the rainbow; and swarthy, beady-eyed dames, with their
+stalwart, big-calved, basket-carrying comrades; gentle young people from
+<a name="Page_567" id="Page_567"></a>behind the counter; Dandy Candy merchants from behind the hedge;
+rough-coated dandies with their silver-mounted whips; and Shaggyford
+roughs, in their baggy, poacher-like coats, and formidable clubs; carriages
+and four, and carriages and pairs; and gigs and dog-carts, and
+Whitechapels, and Newport Pagnels, and long carts, and short carts, and
+donkey carts, converged from all quarters upon the point of attraction at
+Broom Hill.</p>
+
+<p>If Farmer Scourgefield had made a mob, he could not have got one that would
+be more likely to do damage to his farm than this steeple-chase one. Nor
+was the assemblage confined to the people of the country, for the
+Granddiddle Junction, by its connection with the great network of railways,
+enabled all patrons of this truly national sport to sweep down upon the
+spot like flocks of wolves; and train after train disgorged a generous
+mixture of sharps and flats, commingling with coatless, baggy-breeched
+vagabonds, the emissaries most likely of the Peeping Toms and Infallible
+Joes, if not the worthies themselves.</p>
+
+<p>'Dear, but it's a noble sight!' exclaimed Viney to Watchorn as they sat on
+their horses, below a rickety green-baize-covered scaffold, labelled,
+'GRAND STAND; admission, Two-and-sixpence,' raised against Scourgefield's
+stack-yard wall, eyeing the population pouring in from all parts. 'Dear,
+but it's a noble sight!' said he, shading the sun from his eyes, and
+endeavouring to identify the different vehicles in the distance. 'Yonder's
+the 'bus comin' again,' said he, looking towards the station, 'loaded like
+a market-gardener's turnip-waggon. That'll pay,' added he, with a knowing
+leer at the landlord of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. 'And who have we
+here, with the four horses and sky-blue flunkeys? Jawleyford, as I live!'
+added he, answering himself; adding, 'The beggar had better pay me what he
+owes.'</p>
+
+<p>How great Mr. Viney was! Some people, who have never had anything to do
+with horses, think it incumbent upon them, when they have, to sport
+top-boots, and accordingly, for the first time in his life, Viney appears
+in a pair of remarkably hard, tight, country-made boots,<a name="Page_568" id="Page_568"></a> above which are a
+pair of baggy white cords, with the dirty finger-marks of the tailor still
+upon them. He sports a single-breasted green cutaway coat, with
+basket-buttons, a black satin roll-collared waistcoat, and a new white silk
+hat, that shines in the bright sun like a fish-kettle. His blue-striped
+kerchief is secured by a butterfly brooch. Who ever saw an innkeeper that
+could resist a brooch?</p>
+
+<p>He is riding a miserable rat of a badly clipped, mouse-coloured pony that
+looks like a velocipede under him.</p>
+
+<p>His companion, Mr. Watchorn, is very great, and hardly condescends to know
+the country people who claim his acquaintance as a huntsman. He is a Hotel
+Keeper&mdash;master of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. Enoch Wriggle stands
+beside them, dressed in the imposing style of a cockney sportsman. He has
+been puffing 'Sir Danapalus (the Bart.)' in public, and taking all the odds
+he can get against him in private. Watchorn knows that it is easier to make
+a horse lose than win. The restless-looking, lynx-eyed caitiff, in the
+dirty green shawl, with his hands stuffed into the front pockets of the
+brown tarriar coat, is their jockey, the renowned Captain Hangallows; he
+answers to the name of Sam Slick in Mr. Spavin the horse-dealer's yard in
+Oxford Street, when not in the country on similar excursions to the
+present. And now in the throng on the principal line are two conspicuous
+horses&mdash;a piebald and a white&mdash;carrying Mr. Sponge and Lucy Glitters. Lucy
+appears as she did on the frosty-day hunt, glowing with health and beauty,
+and rather straining the seams of Lady Scattercash's habit with the
+additional <i>embonpoint</i> she has acquired by early hours in the country. She
+has made Mr. Sponge a white silk jacket to ride in, which he has on under
+his grey tarriar coat, and a cap of the same colour is in his hard hat. He
+has discarded the gosling-green cords for cream-coloured leathers, and, to
+please Lucy, has actually substituted a pair of rose-tinted tops for the
+'hogany bouts'. Altogether he is a great swell, and very like the
+bridegroom.</p>
+
+<p>But hark&mdash;what a crash! The leaders of Sir Harry Scattercash's drag start
+at a blind fiddler's dog stationed <a name="Page_569" id="Page_569"></a>at the gate leading into the fields, a
+wheel catches the post, and in an instant the sham captains are scattered
+about the road: Bouncey on his head, Seedeyhuck across the wheelers, Quod
+on his back, and Sir Harry astride the gate. Meanwhile, the old fiddler,
+regardless of the shouts of the men and the shrieks of the ladies, scrapes
+away with the appropriate tune of 'The Devil among the Tailors!' A rush to
+the horses' heads arrests further mischief, the dislodged captains are at
+length righted, the nerves of the ladies composed, and Sir Harry once more
+essays to drive them up the hill to the stand. That feat being
+accomplished, then came the unloading, and consternation, and huddling of
+the tight-laced occupants at the idea of these female <i>women</i> coming
+amongst them, and the usual peeping and spying, and eyeing of the
+'<i>creatures</i>.' 'What impudence!' 'Well, I think!' ''Pon my word!' 'What
+next!'&mdash;exclamations that were pretty well lost upon the fair objects of
+them amid the noise and flutter and confusion of the scene. But hark again!
+What's up now?</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/image569.jpg" width="300" height="257" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Hooray!' 'hooray!' 'h-o-o-o-ray!' 'Three cheers <a name="Page_570" id="Page_570"></a>for the Squire!
+H-o-o-o-ray!' Old Puff as we live! The 'amazin' instance of a pop'lar man'
+greeted by the Swillingford snobs. The old frost-bitten dandy is flattered
+by the cheers, and bows condescendingly ere he alights from the
+well-appointed mail phaeton. See how graciously the ladies receive him, as,
+having ascended the stairs, he appears among them. 'A man is never too old
+to marry' is their maxim.</p>
+
+<p>The cry is still, 'They come! they come!' See at a hand-gallop, with his
+bay pony in a white lather, rides Pacey, grinning from ear to ear, with his
+red-backed betting-book peeping out of the breast pocket of his brown
+cutaway. He is staring and gaping to see who is looking at him.</p>
+
+<p>Pacey has made such a book as none but a wooden-headed boy like himself
+could make. He has been surfeited with tips. Peeping Tom had advised him to
+back Daddy Longlegs; and, <i>nullus error</i>, Sneaking Joe has counselled him
+that the 'Baronet' will be 'California without cholera, and gold without
+danger'; while Jemmy something, the jockey, who advertises that his 'tongue
+is not for falsehood framed,' though we should think it was framed for
+nothing else, has urged him to back Parvo to half the amount of the
+national debt.</p>
+
+<p>Altogether, Pacey has made such a mess that he cannot possibly win, and may
+lose almost any sum from a thousand pounds down to a hundred and eighty.
+Mr. Sponge has got well on with him, through the medium of Jack Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>Pacey is now going to what he calls 'compare'&mdash;see that he has got his bets
+booked right; and, throwing his right leg over his cob's neck, he blobs on
+to the ground; and, leaving the pony to take care of itself, disappears in
+the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>What a hubbub! what roarings, and shoutings, and recognizings! 'Bless my
+heart! who'd have thought of seeing you?' and, 'By jingo! what's sent <i>you</i>
+here?'</p>
+
+<p>'My dear Waffles,' cries Jawleyford, rushing up to our Laverick Wells
+friend (who is looking very debauched), 'I'm overjoyed to see you. Do come
+upstairs and see Mrs. Jawleyford and the dear girls. It was only last<a name="Page_571" id="Page_571"></a>
+night we were talking about you.' And so Jawleyford hurries Mr. Waffles
+off, just as Waffles is <i>in extremis</i> about his horse.</p>
+
+<p>Looking around the scene there seems to be everybody that we have had the
+pleasure of introducing to the reader in the course of Mr. Sponge's Tour.
+Mr. and Mrs. Springwheat in their dog-cart, Mrs. Springey's figure looking
+as though 'wheat had got above forty, my lord'; old Jog and his handsome
+wife in the ugly old phaeton, well garnished with children, and a couple of
+sticks in the rough peeping out of the apron, Gustavus James held up in his
+mother's arms, with the curly blue feather nodding over his nose. There is
+also Farmer Peastraw, and faces that a patient inspection enables us to
+appropriate to Dribble, and Hook, and Capon, and Calcot, and Lumpleg, and
+Crane of Crane Hall, and Charley Slapp of red-coat times&mdash;people look so
+different in plain clothes to what they do in hunting ones. Here, too, is
+George Cheek, running down with perspiration, having run over from Dr.
+Latherington's, for which he will most likely 'catch it' when he gets back;
+and oh, wonder of wonders, here's Robert Foozle himself!</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Robert, you've come to the steeple-chase?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I've come to the steeple-chase.'</p>
+
+<p>'Are you fond of steeple-chases?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, I'm fond of steeple-chases.'</p>
+
+<p>'I dare say you never were at one before,' observes his mother.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I never was at one before,' replies Robert.</p>
+
+<p>And though last not least, here's Facey Romford, with his arm in a sling,
+on Mr. Hobler, come to look after that sivin-p'und-ten, which we wish he
+may get.</p>
+
+<p>Hark! there's a row below the stand, and Viney is seen in a state of
+excitement inquiring for Mr. Washball. Pacey has objected to a gentleman
+rider, and Guano and Puffington have differed on the point. A nice, slim,
+well-put-on lad (Buckram's rough rider) has come to the scales and claimed
+to be allowed 3 lb. as the Honourable Captain Boville. Finding the point
+questioned, he abandons the 'handle', and sinks into plain Captain Boville.
+Pacey now objects to him altogether. <a name="Page_572" id="Page_572"></a>'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir; s-c-e-u-s-e me,
+sir,' simpers our friend Dick Bragg, sidling up to the objector with a sort
+of tendency of his turn-back-wristed hand to his hat. 'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir;
+s-c-e-u-s-e me,' repeats he, 'but I think you was wrong, sir, in objecting
+to Captain Boville, sir, as a gen'l'man rider, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why?' demands Pacey, in the full flush of victory.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sir&mdash;because, sir&mdash;in fact, sir&mdash;he <i>is</i> a gen'l'man, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Is</i> a gentleman! How do <i>you</i> know?' demands Pacey, in the same tone as
+before.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, sir, he's a gen'l'man&mdash;an undoubted gen'l'man. Everything about him
+shows that. Does nothing&mdash;breeches by Anderson&mdash;boots by Bartley; besides
+which, he drinks wine every day, and has a whole box of cigars in his
+bedroom. But don't take my word for it, pray,' continued Bragg, seeing
+Pacey was wavering; 'don't take my word for it, pray. There's a gen'l'man,
+a countryman of his, somewhere about,' added he, looking anxiously into the
+surrounding crowd&mdash;there's a gen'l'man, a countryman of his, somewhere
+about, if we could but find him,' Bragg standing on his tiptoes, and
+exclaiming, 'Mr. Buckram! Mr. Buckram! Has anybody seen anything of Mr.
+Buckram!'</p>
+
+<p>'Here!' replied a meek voice from behind; upon which there was an elbowing
+through the crowd, and presently a most respectable, rosy-gilled,
+grey-haired, hawbuck-looking man, attired in a new brown cutaway, with
+bright buttons and a velvet collar, with a buff waistcoat, came twirling an
+ash-stick in one hand, and fumbling the silver in his drab trousers' pocket
+with the other, in front of the bystanders.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! 'ere he is!' exclaimed Bragg, appealing to the stranger with a hasty
+'<i>You</i> know Captain Boville, don't you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, now, as to the matter of that,' replied the gentleman, gathering all
+the loose silver up into his hand and speaking very slowly, just as a
+country gentleman, who has all the live-long day to do nothing in, may be
+supposed to speak&mdash;' Why, now, as to the matter of that,'<a name="Page_573" id="Page_573"></a> said he, eyeing
+Pacey intently, and beginning to drop the silver slowly as he spoke, 'I
+can't say that I've any very 'ticklar 'quaintance with the captin. I knows
+him, in course, just as one knows a neighbour's son. The captin's a good
+deal younger nor me,' continued he, raising his new eight-and-sixpenny
+Parisian, as if to show his sandy grey hair. 'I'm a'most sixty; and he, I
+dare say, is little more nor twenty,' dropping a half-crown as he said it.
+'But the captin's a nice young gent&mdash;a nice young gent, without any
+blandishment, I should say; and that's more nor one can say of all young
+gents nowadays,' said Buckram, looking at Pacey as he spoke, and dropping
+two consecutive half-crowns.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, but you live near him, don't you?' interrupted Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>'Near him,' repeated Buckram, feeling his well-shaven chin thoughtfully.
+'Why, yes&mdash;that's to say, near his dad. The fact is,' continued he, 'I've a
+little independence of my own,' dropping a heavy five-shilling piece as he
+said it,' and his father&mdash;old Bo, as I call him&mdash;adjoins me; and if either
+of us 'appen to have a <i>battue</i>, or a 'aunch of wenzun, and a few friends,
+we inwite each other, and wicey wersey, you know,' letting off a lot of
+shillings and sixpences. And just at the moment the blind fiddler struck up
+'The Devil among the Tailors,' when the shouts and laughter of the mob
+closed the scene.</p>
+
+<p>And now gentlemen, who heretofore have shown no more of the jockey than
+Cinderella's feet in the early part of the pantomime disclose of her ball
+attire, suddenly cast off the pea-jackets and bearskin wraps, and shawls
+and overcoats of winter, and shine forth in all the silken flutter of
+summer heat.</p>
+
+<p>We know of no more humiliating sight than misshapen gentlemen playing at
+jockeys. Playing at soldiers is bad enough, but playing at jockeys is
+infinitely worse&mdash;above all, playing at steeple-chase jockeys, combining,
+as they generally do, all the worst features of the hunting-field and
+racecourse&mdash;unsympathizing boots and breeches, dirty jackets that never
+fit, and caps that won't keep on. What a farce to see the great bulky
+<a name="Page_574" id="Page_574"></a>fellows go to scale with their saddles strapped to their backs, as if to
+illustrate the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding
+plate!</p>
+
+<p>But the weighed-in ones are mounting. See, there's Jack Spraggon getting a
+hoist on to Daddy Longlegs! Did ever mortal see such a man for a jockey? He
+has cut off the laps of a stunner tartan jacket, and looks like a great
+backgammon-board. He has got his head into an old gold-banded military
+foraging-cap, which comes down almost on to the rims of his great
+tortoise-shell spectacles. Lord Scamperdale stands with his hand on the
+horse's mane, talking earnestly to Jack, doubtless giving him his final
+instructions. Other jockeys emerge from various parts of the
+farm-buildings; some out of stables; some out of cow-houses; others from
+beneath cart-sheds. The scene becomes enlivened with the varied colours of
+the riders&mdash;red, yellow, green, blue, violet, and stripes without end. Then
+comes the usual difficulty of identifying the parties, many of whose
+mothers wouldn't know them.</p>
+
+<p>'That's Captain Tongs,' observes Miss Simperley, 'in the blue. I remember
+dancing with him at Bath, and he did nothing but talk about
+steeple-chasing.'</p>
+
+<p>'And who's that in yellow?' asks Miss Hardy.</p>
+
+<p>'That's Captain Gander,' replies the gentleman on her left.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I think he'll win,' replies the lady.</p>
+
+<p>'I'll bet you a pair of gloves he doesn't,' snaps Miss Moore, who fancies
+Captain Pusher, in the pink.</p>
+
+<p>'What a squat little jockey!' exclaims Miss Hamilton, as a little dumpling
+of a man in Lincoln green is led past the stand on a fine bay horse, some
+one recognizing the rider as our old friend Caingey Thornton.</p>
+
+<p>'And look who comes here?' whispers Miss Jawleyford to her sister, as Mr.
+Sponge, having accomplished a mount without derangement of temper, rides
+Hercules quietly past the stand, his whip-hand resting on his thigh, and
+his head turned to his fair companion on the white.</p><p><a name="Page_575" id="Page_575"></a></p>
+
+<p>'Oh, the wretch!' sneers Miss Amelia; and the fair sisters look at Lucy and
+then at him with the utmost disgust.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Sponge may now be doubled up by half a dozen falls ere either of them
+would suggest the propriety of having him bled.</p>
+
+<p>Lucy's cheeks are rather blanched with the 'pale cast of thought,' for she
+is not sufficiently initiated in the mysteries of steeple-chasing to know
+that it is often quite as good for a man to lose as to win, which it had
+just been quietly arranged between Sponge and Buckram should be the case on
+this occasion, Buckram having got uncommonly 'well on' to the losing tune.
+Perhaps, however, Lucy was thinking of the peril, not the profit of the
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>The young ladies on the stand eye her with mingled feelings of pity and
+disdain, while the elderly ones shake their heads, call her a bold
+hussy&mdash;declare she's not so pretty&mdash;adding that they 'wouldn't have come if
+they'd known,' &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>But it is half-past two (an hour and a half after time), and there is at
+last a disposition evinced by some of the parties to go to the post.
+Broad-backed parti-coloured jockeys are seen converging that way, and the
+betting-men close in, getting more and more clamorous for odds. What a
+hubbub! How they bellow! How they roar! A universal deafness seems to have
+come over the whole of them. 'Seven to one 'gain the Bart.!' screams
+one&mdash;'I'll take eight!' roars another. 'Five to one agen Herc'les!' cries a
+third&mdash;'Done!' roars a fourth. 'Twice over!' rejoins the other&mdash;'Done!'
+replies the taker. 'Ar'll take five to one agin the Daddy!'&mdash;'I'll lay
+six!' 'What'll any one lay 'gin Parvo?' And so they raise such an uproar
+that the squeak, squeak, squeak of the</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Devil among the tailors'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>is hardly heard.</p>
+
+<p>Then, in a partial lull, the voice of Lord Scamperdale rises, exclaiming,
+'Oh, you hideous Hobgoblin, bull-and-mouth of a boy! you think, because I'm
+a lord, and <a name="Page_576" id="Page_576"></a>can't swear, or use coarse language&mdash;' And again the hubbub,
+led on by the</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Devil among the tailors,'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>drowns the exclamations of the speaker. It's that Pacey again; he's
+accusing the virtuous Mr. Spraggon of handing his extra weight to Lord
+Scamperdale; and Jack, in the full consciousness of injured guilt,
+intimates that the blood of the Spraggons won't stand that&mdash;that there's
+'only <i>one</i> way of settling it, and he'll be ready for Pacey half an hour
+after the race.'</p>
+
+<p>At length the horses are all out&mdash;one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
+eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen&mdash;fifteen of
+them, moving about in all directions: some taking an up-gallop, others a
+down; some a spicy trot, others walking to and fro; while one has still his
+muzzle on, lest he should unship his rider and eat him; and another's groom
+follows, imploring the mob to keep off his heels if they don't want their
+heads in their hands. The noisy bell at length summons the scattered forces
+to the post, and the variegated riders form into as good a line as
+circumstances will allow. Just as Mr. Sponge turns his horse's head Lucy
+hands him her little silver sherry-flask, which our friend drains to the
+dregs. As he returns it, with a warm pressure of her soft hand, a pent-up
+flood of tears burst their bounds, and suffuse her lustrous eyes. She turns
+away to hide her emotion; at the same instant a wild shout rends the
+air&mdash;'W-h-i-r-r! They're off!'</p>
+
+<p>Thirteen get away, one turns tail, and our friend in the Lincoln green is
+left performing a <i>pas seul</i>, asking the rearing horse, with an oath, if he
+thinks 'he stole him'? while the mob shout and roar; and one wicked wag, in
+coaching parlance, advises him to pay the difference, and get inside.</p>
+
+<p>But what a display of horsemanship is exhibited by the flyers! Tongs comes
+off at the first fence, the horse making straight for a pond, while the
+rest rattle on in a mass. The second fence is small, but there's a ditch on
+the far side, and Pusher and Gander severally measure their lengths on the
+rushy pasture beyond. Still there <a name="Page_577" id="Page_577"></a>are ten left, and nobody ever reckoned
+upon these getting to the far end.</p>
+
+<p>'Master wins, for a 'undr'd!' exclaims Leather, as, getting into the third
+field, Mr. Sponge takes a decided lead; and Lucy, encouraged by the sound,
+looks up, and sees her 'white jacket' throwing the dry fallow in the faces
+of the field.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, how I hope he will!' exclaims she, clasping her hands, with upturned
+eyes; but when she ventures on another look, she sees old Spraggon drawing
+upon him, Hangallows's flaming red jacket not far off, and several others
+nearer than she liked. Still the tail was beginning to form. Another fence,
+and that a big one, draws it out. A striped jacket is down, and the horse,
+after a vain effort to rise, sinks lifeless on the ground. On they go all
+the same!</p>
+
+<p>Loud yells of exciting betting burst from the spectators, and Buckram gets
+well on for the cross.</p>
+
+<p>There are now five in front&mdash;Sponge, Spraggon, Hangallows, Boville, and
+another; and already the pace begins to tell. It wasn't possible to run it
+at the rate they started. Spraggon makes a desperate effort to get the
+lead; and Sponge, seeing Boville handy, pulls his horse, and lets the
+light-weight make play over a rough, heavy fallow with the chestnut. Jack
+spurs and flogs, and grins and foams at the mouth. Thus they get half round
+the oval course. They are now directly in front of the hill, and the
+spectators gaze with intense anxiety;&mdash;now vociferating the name of this
+horse, now of that; now shouting 'Red jacket!' now 'White!' while the blind
+fiddler perseveres with the old melody of&mdash;'The Devil among the Tailors.'</p>
+
+<p>'Now they come to the brook!' exclaims Leather, who has been over the
+ground; and as he speaks, Lucy distinctly sees Mr. Sponge's gather an
+effort to clear it; and&mdash;oh, horror!&mdash;the horse falls&mdash;he's down&mdash;no, he's
+up!&mdash;and her lover's in his seat again; and she flatters herself it was her
+sherry that saved him. Splash!&mdash;a horse and rider duck under; three get
+over; two go in; now another clears it, and the rest turn tail.</p>
+
+<p>What splashing and screaming, and whipping and <a name="Page_578" id="Page_578"></a>spurring, and how hopeless
+the chance of any of them to recover their lost ground. The race is now
+clearly between five. Now for the wall! It's five feet high, built of heavy
+blocks, and strong in the staked-out part. As he nears it, Jack sits well
+back, getting Daddy Longlegs well by the head, and giving him a refresher
+with the whip. It is Jack's last move! His horse comes, neck and croup
+over, rolling Jack up like a ball of worsted on the far side. At the same
+moment, Multum in Parvo goes at it full tilt; and, not rising an inch,
+sends Captain Boville flying one way, his saddle another, himself a third,
+and the stones all ways. Mr. Sponge then slips through, closely followed by
+Hangallows and a jockey in yellow, with a tail of three after them. They
+then put on all the steam they can raise over the twenty-acre pasture that
+follows.</p>
+
+<p>The white!&mdash;the red!&mdash;the yaller! The red!&mdash;the white!&mdash;the yaller! and
+anybody's race! A sheet would cover them!&mdash;crack! whack! crack! how they
+flog! Hercules springs at the sound.</p>
+
+<p>Many of the excited spectators begin hallooing, and straddling, and working
+their arms as if their gestures and vociferations would assist the race.
+Lord Scamperdale stands transfixed. He is staring through his silver
+spectacles at the awkwardly lying ball that represents poor Spraggon.</p>
+
+<p>'By Heavens!' exclaims he, in an undertone to himself, 'I believe he's
+killed!' And thereupon he swung down the stand-stairs, rushed to his horse,
+and, clapping spurs to his sides, struck across the country to the spot.</p>
+
+<p>Long before he got there the increased uproar of the spectators announced
+the final struggle; and looking over his shoulder, he saw white jacket
+hugging his horse home, closely followed by red, and shooting past the
+winning-post.</p>
+
+<p>'Dash that Mr. Sponge!' growled his lordship, as the cheers of the winners
+closed the scene.</p>
+
+<p>'The brute's won, in spite of him!' gasped Buckram, turning deadly pale at
+the sight.</p><p><a name="Page_579" id="Page_579"></a></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXIX" id="CHAPTER_LXIX"></a>CHAPTER LXIX</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW OTHER THINGS CAME OFF</h3>
+
+
+<p>'Twere hard to say whether Lucy's joy at Sponge's safety, or Lord
+Scamperdale's grief at poor Spraggon's death, was most overpowering. Each
+found relief in a copious flood of tears. Lucy sobbed and laughed, and
+sobbed and laughed again; and seemed as if her little heart would burst its
+bounds. The mob, ever open to sentiment&mdash;especially the sentiment of
+beauty&mdash;cheered and shouted as she rode with her lover from the winning to
+the weighing-post.</p>
+
+<p>'A', she's a bonny un!' exclaimed a countryman, looking intently up in her
+face.</p>
+
+<p>'She is that!' cried another, doing the same.</p>
+
+<p>'Three cheers for the lady!' shouted a tall Shaggyford rough, taking off
+his woolly cap, and waving it.</p>
+
+<p>'Hoo-ray! hoo-ray! hoo-ray!' shouted a group of flannel-clad navvies.</p>
+
+<p>'Three for white jacket!' then roared a blue-coated butcher, who had won as
+many half-crowns on the race.&mdash;Three cheers were given for the unwilling
+winner.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself off his
+horse, and wringing his hands in despair, as a select party of
+thimble-riggers, who had gone to Jack's assistance, raised him up, and
+turned his ghastly face, with his eyes squinting inside out, and the foam
+still on his mouth, full upon him. 'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' repeated his
+lordship, sinking on his knees beside him, and grasping his stiffening hand
+as he spoke. His lordship sank overpowered upon the body.</p>
+
+<p>The thimble-riggers then availed themselves of the opportunity to ease his
+lordship and Jack of their watches and the few shillings they had about
+them, and departed.</p>
+
+<p>When a lord is in distress, consolation is never long in coming; and Lord
+Scamperdale had hardly got over the first paroxysms of grief, and gathered
+up Jack's cap, and the fragments of his spectacles, ere Jawleyford, who
+<a name="Page_580" id="Page_580"></a>had noticed his abrupt departure from the stand and scurry across the
+country, arrived at the spot. His lordship was still in the full agony of
+woe; still grasping and bedewing Jack's cold hand with his tears.</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack! 'sobbed he, as
+he mopped the fast-chasing tears from his grizzly cheeks with a red cotton
+kerchief. 'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack!
+'repeated he, as a fresh flood spread o'er the rugged surface. 'Oh, what a
+tr-reasure, what a tr&mdash;tr&mdash;trump he was. Shall never get such another.
+Nobody could s&mdash;s&mdash;lang a fi&mdash;fi&mdash;field as he could; no hu&mdash;hu&mdash;humbug
+'bout him&mdash;never was su&mdash;su&mdash;such a fine natural bl&mdash;bl&mdash;blackguard'; and
+then his feelings wholly choked his utterance as he recollected how easily
+Jack was satisfied; how he could dine off tripe and cow-heel, mop up fat
+porridge for breakfast, and never grumbled at being put on a bad horse.</p>
+
+<p>The news of a man being killed soon reached the hill, and drew the
+attention of the mob from our hero and heroine, causing such a spread of
+population over the farm as must have been highly gratifying to
+Scourgefield, who stood watching the crashing of the fences and the
+demolition of the gates, thinking how he was paying his landlord off.</p>
+
+<p>Seeing the rude, unmannerly character of the mob, Jawleyford got his
+lordship by the arm, and led him away towards the hill, his lordship
+reeling, rather than walking, and indulging in all sorts of wild,
+incoherent cries and lamentations.</p>
+
+<p>'Sing out, Jack! sing out!' he would exclaim, as if in the agony of having
+his hounds ridden over; then, checking himself, he would shake his head and
+say, 'Ah, poor Jack, poor Jack! shall never look upon his like again&mdash;shall
+never get such a man to read the riot act, and keep all square.' And then a
+fresh gush of tears suffused his grizzly face.</p>
+
+<p>The minor casualties of those few butchering spasmodic moments may be
+briefly dismissed, though they were more numerous than most sportsmen see
+out hunting in a lifetime.</p><p><a name="Page_581" id="Page_581"></a></p>
+
+<p>One horse broke his back, another was drowned, Multum in Parvo was cut all
+to pieces, his rider had two ribs and a thumb broken, while Farmer
+Slyfield's stackyard was fired by some of the itinerant tribe, and all its
+uninsured contents destroyed&mdash;so that his landlord was not the only person
+who suffered by the grand occasion.</p>
+
+<p>Nor was this all, for Mr. Numboy, the coroner, hearing of Jack's death,
+held an inquest on the body; and, having empanelled a matter-of-fact
+jury&mdash;men who did not see the advantage of steeple-chasing, either in a
+political, commercial, agricultural, or national point of view, and who,
+having surveyed the line, and found nearly every fence dangerous, and the
+wall and brook doubly so, returned a verdict of manslaughter against Mr.
+Viney for setting it out, who was forthwith committed to the county gaol of
+Limbo Castle for trial at the ensuing assizes, from whence let us join the
+benevolent clerk of arraigns in wishing him a good deliverance.</p>
+
+<p>Many of the hardy 'tips' sounded the loud trump of victory, proclaiming
+that their innumerable friends had feathered their nests through their
+agency; but Peeping Tom and Infallible Joe, and Enoch Wriggle, 'the
+offending soul,' &amp;c., found it convenient to bolt from their respective
+establishments, carrying with them their large fire-screens, camp-stools,
+and boards for posting up their lists, and setting up in new names in other
+quarters; while the Hen Angel was shortly afterwards closed, and the
+presentation-tureen made into 'white soup.'</p>
+
+<p>So much for the 'small deer.' We will now devote a concluding chapter to
+the 'great guns' of our story.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_LXX" id="CHAPTER_LXX"></a>CHAPTER LXX</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW LORD SCAMPERDALE AND CO. CAME OFF</h3>
+
+
+<p>Our noble master's nerves were so dreadfully shattered by the lamentable
+catastrophe to poor Jack, that he stepped, or rather was pushed, into
+Jawleyford's carriage almost insensibly, and driven from the course to
+Jawleyford Court.</p><p><a name="Page_582" id="Page_582"></a></p>
+
+<p>There he remained sufficiently long for Mrs. Jawleyford to persuade him
+that he would be far better married, and that either of her amiable
+daughters would make him a most excellent wife. His lordship, after very
+mature consideration, and many most scrutinizing stares at both of them
+through his formidable spectacles, wondering which would be the least
+likely to ruin him&mdash;at length decided upon taking Miss Emily, the youngest,
+though for a long time the victory was doubtful, and Amelia practised her
+'Scamperdale' singing with unabated ardour and confidence up to the last.
+We believe, if the truth were known, it was a slight touch of rouge, that
+Amelia thought would clench the matter, that decided his lordship against
+her. Emily, we are happy to say, makes him an excellent wife, and has not
+got her head turned by becoming a countess. She has improved his lordship
+amazingly, got him smart new clothes, and persuaded him to grow bushy
+whiskers right down under his chin, and is now feeling her way to a pair of
+moustaches.</p>
+
+<p>Woodmansterne is quite another place. She has marshalled a proper
+establishment, and got him coaxed into the long put-a-way company rooms.
+Though he still indulges in his former cow-heel and other delicacies, they
+do not appear upon table; while he sports his silver-mounted specs on all
+occasions. The fruit and venison are freely distributed, and we have come
+in for a haunch in return for our attentions.</p>
+
+<p>Best of all, Lady Scamperdale has got his lordship to erect a handsome
+marble monument to poor Jack, instead of the cheap country stone he
+intended. The inscription states that it was erected by Samuel, Eighth Earl
+of Scamperdale, and Viscount Hardup, in the Peerage of Ireland, to the
+Memory of John Spraggon, Esquire, the best of Sportsmen, and the firmest of
+Friends. Who or what Jack was, nobody ever knew, and as he only left a hat
+and eighteen pence behind him, no next of kin has as yet cast up.</p>
+
+<p>Jawleyford has not stood the honour of the Scamperdale alliance quite so
+well as his daughter; and when our 'amaazin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+instigated <a name="Page_583" id="Page_583"></a>perhaps by the desire to have old Scamp for a brother-in-law,
+offered to Amelia, Jaw got throaty and consequential, hemmed and hawed, and
+pretended to be stiff about it. Puff, however, produced such weighty
+testimonials, as soon exercised their wonted influence. In due time Puff
+very magnanimously proposed uniting his pack with Lord Scamperdale's,
+dividing the expense of one establishment between them, to which his
+lordship readily assented, advising Puff to get rid of Bragg by giving him
+the hounds, which he did; and that great sporting luminary may be seen
+'s-c-e-u-s-e'-ing himself, and offering his service to masters of hounds
+any Monday at Tattersall's&mdash;though he still prefers a 'quality place.'</p>
+
+<p>Benjamin Buckram, the gentleman with the small independence of his own, we
+are sorry to say has gone to the 'bad.' Aggravated by the loss he sustained
+by his horse winning the steeple-chase, he made an ill-advised onslaught on
+the cash-box of the London and Westminster Bank; and at three score years
+and ten this distinguished 'turfite,' who had participated with impunity in
+nearly all the great robberies of the last forty years, was doomed to
+transportation. And yet we have seen this cracksman captain&mdash;for he, too,
+was a captain at times&mdash;jostling and bellowing for odds among some of the
+highest and noblest of the land!</p>
+
+<p>Leather has descended to the cab-stand, of which he promises to be a
+distinguished ornament. He haunts the Piccadilly stands, and has what he
+calls ''stablish'd a raw' on Mr. Sponge to the extent of
+three-and-six-pence a week, under threats of exposing the robbery Sponge
+committed on our friend Mr. Waffles. That volatile genius, we are happy to
+add, is quite well, and open to the attentions of any young lady who thinks
+she can tame a wild young man. His financial affairs are not irretrievable.</p>
+
+<p>And now for the hero and heroine of our tale. The Sponges&mdash;for our friend
+married Lucy shortly after the steeple-chase&mdash;stayed at Nonsuch House until
+the bailiffs walked in. Sir Harry then bolted to Boulogne, where he shortly
+afterwards died, and Bugles very <a name="Page_584" id="Page_584"></a>properly married my lady. They are now
+living at Wandsworth; Mr. Bugles and Lady Scattercash, very 'much thought
+of'&mdash;as Bugles says.</p>
+
+<p>Although Mr. Sponge did not gain as much by winning the steeple-chase as he
+would have done had Hercules allowed him to lose it, he still did pretty
+well; and being at length starved out of Nonsuch House, he arrived at his
+old quarters, the Bantam, in Bond Street, where he turned his attention
+very seriously to providing for Lucy and the little Sponge, who had now
+issued its prospectus. He thought over all the ways and means of making
+money without capital, rejecting Australia and California as unfit for
+sportsmen and men fond of their <i>Moggs</i>. Professional steeple-chasing Lucy
+decried, declaring she would rather return to her flag-exercises at
+Astley's, as soon as she was able, than have her dear Sponge risking his
+neck that way. Our friend at length began to fear fortune-making was not so
+easy as he thought&mdash;indeed, he was soon sure of it.</p>
+
+<p>One day as he was staring vacantly out of the Bantam coffee-room window,
+between the gilt labels, 'Hot Soups' and 'Dinners,' he was suddenly seized
+with a fit of virtuous indignation at the disreputable frauds practised by
+unprincipled adventurers on the unwary public, in the way of betting
+offices, and resolved that he would be the St. George to slay this great
+dragon of abuse. Accordingly, after due consultation with Lucy, he invested
+his all in fitting up and decorating the splendid establishment in Jermyn
+Street, St. James's, now known as the SPONGE AND CIGAR BETTING ROOMS, whose
+richness neither pen nor pencil can do justice to.</p>
+
+<p>We must, therefore, entreat our readers to visit this emporium of honesty,
+where, in addition to finding lists posted on all the great events of the
+day, they can have the use of a <i>Mogg</i> while they indulge in one of Lucy's
+unrivalled cigars; and noblemen, gentlemen, and officers in the household
+troops may be accommodated with loans on their personal security to any
+amount. We see by Mr. Sponge's last advertisements that he has &pound;116,300 to
+lend at three and a half per cent.!</p>
+
+<p>'What a farce,' we fancy we hear some enterprising<a name="Page_585" id="Page_585"></a> youngster
+exclaim&mdash;'what a farce, to suppose that such a needy scamp as Mr. Sponge,
+who has been cheating everybody, has any money to lend, or to pay bets with
+if he loses!' Right, young gentleman, right; but not a bit greater farce
+than to suppose that any of the plausible money-lenders, or infallible
+'tips' with whom you, perhaps, have had connection have any either, in case
+it's called for. Nay, bad as he is, we'll back old Soapey to be better than
+any of them,&mdash;with which encomium we most heartily bid him <span class="smcap">Adieu</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 259px;">
+<img src="images/image585.jpg" width="259" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Query, 'snob'?&mdash;Printer's Devil.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> The Poetical Recorder of the Doings of the Dublin Garrison
+dogs, in <i>Bell's Life</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> <i>Vide</i> 'Barnwell and Alderson's Reports.'</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> 'S,' for Scamperdale, showing they were his lordship's.</p></div>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,21668 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour
+
+Author: R. S. Surtees
+
+Release Date: October 28, 2005 [EBook #16957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. SPONGE'S SPORTING TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Michael Ciesielski, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour.
+
+
+R.S. Surtees
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Sponge completely scatters his Lordship_]
+
+
+Transcriber's Note: Minor typos corrected and footnotes moved
+to end of text.
+
+TO
+
+THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD ELCHO,
+
+IN GRATITUDE
+
+FOR MANY SEASONS OF EXCELLENT SPORT WITH HIS HOUNDS,
+
+ON THE BORDER.
+
+THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED,
+
+BY HIS
+
+OBLIGED AND FAITHFUL SERVANT,
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The author gladly avails himself of the convenience of a Preface for
+stating, that it will be seen at the close of the work why he makes such a
+characterless character as Mr. Sponge the hero of his tale.
+
+He will be glad if it serves to put the rising generation on their guard
+against specious, promiscuous acquaintance, and trains them on to the noble
+sport of hunting, to the exclusion of its mercenary, illegitimate
+off-shoots.
+
+_November 1852_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+OUR HERO
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was a murky October day that the hero of our tale, Mr. Sponge, or Soapey
+Sponge, as his good-natured friends call him, was seen mizzling along
+Oxford Street, wending his way to the West. Not that there was anything
+unusual in Sponge being seen in Oxford Street, for when in town his daily
+perambulations consist of a circuit, commencing from the Bantam Hotel in
+Bond Street into Piccadilly, through Leicester Square, and so on to
+Aldridge's, in St. Martin's Lane, thence by Moore's sporting-print shop,
+and on through some of those ambiguous and tortuous streets that, appearing
+to lead all ways at once and none in particular, land the explorer, sooner
+or later, on the south side of Oxford Street.
+
+Oxford Street acts to the north part of London what the Strand does to the
+south: it is sure to bring one up, sooner or later. A man can hardly get
+over either of them without knowing it. Well, Soapey having got into Oxford
+Street, would make his way at a squarey, in-kneed, duck-toed, sort of pace,
+regulated by the bonnets, the vehicles, and the equestrians he met to
+criticize; for of women, vehicles, and horses, he had voted himself a
+consummate judge. Indeed, he had fully established in his own mind that
+Kiddey Downey and he were the only men in London who _really_ knew anything
+about, horses, and fully impressed with that conviction, he would halt, and
+stand, and stare, in a way that with any other man would have been
+considered impertinent. Perhaps it was impertinent in Soapey--we don't mean
+to say it wasn't--but he had done it so long, and was of so sporting a gait
+and cut, that he felt himself somewhat privileged. Moreover, the majority
+of horsemen are so satisfied with the animals they bestride, that they cock
+up their jibs and ride along with a 'find any fault with either me or my
+horse, if you can' sort of air.
+
+Thus Mr. Sponge proceeded leisurely along, now nodding to this man, now
+jerking his elbow to that, now smiling on a phaeton, now sneering at a
+'bus. If he did not look in at Shackell's or Bartley's, or any of the
+dealers on the line, he was always to be found about half-past five at
+Cumberland Gate, from whence he would strike leisurely down the Park, and
+after coming to a long check at Rotten Row rails, from whence he would pass
+all the cavalry in the Park in review, he would wend his way back to the
+Bantam, much in the style he had come. This was his summer proceeding.
+
+Mr. Sponge had pursued this enterprising life for some 'seasons'--ten at
+least--and supposing him to have begun at twenty or one-and-twenty, he
+would be about thirty at the time we have the pleasure of introducing him
+to our readers--a period of life at which men begin to suspect they were
+not quite so wise at twenty as they thought. Not that Mr. Sponge had any
+particular indiscretions to reflect upon, for he was tolerably sharp, but
+he felt that he might have made better use of his time, which may be
+shortly described as having been spent in hunting all the winter, and in
+talking about it all the summer. With this popular sport he combined the
+diversion of fortune-hunting, though we are concerned to say that his
+success, up to the period of our introduction, had not been commensurate
+with his deserts. Let us, however, hope that brighter days are about to
+dawn upon him.
+
+Having now introduced our hero to our male and female friends, under his
+interesting pursuits of fox and fortune-hunter, it becomes us to say a few
+words as to his qualifications for carrying them on.
+
+Mr. Sponge was a good-looking, rather vulgar-looking man. At a
+distance--say ten yards--his height, figure, and carriage gave him somewhat
+of a commanding appearance, but this was rather marred by a jerky, twitchy,
+uneasy sort of air, that too plainly showed he was not the natural, or what
+the lower orders call the _real_ gentleman. Not that Sponge was shy. Far
+from it. He never hesitated about offering to a lady after a three days'
+acquaintance, or in asking a gentleman to take him a horse in over-night,
+with whom he might chance to come in contact in the hunting-field. And he
+did it all in such a cool, off-hand, matter-of-course sort of way, that
+people who would have stared with astonishment if anybody else had hinted
+at such a proposal, really seemed to come into the humour and spirit of the
+thing, and to look upon it rather as a matter of course than otherwise.
+Then his dexterity in getting into people's houses was only equalled by the
+difficulty of getting him out again, but this we must waive for the present
+in favour of his portraiture.
+
+In height, Mr. Sponge was above the middle size--five feet eleven or
+so--with a well borne up, not badly shaped, closely cropped oval head, a
+tolerably good, but somewhat receding forehead, bright hazel eyes, Roman
+nose, with carefully tended whiskers, reaching the corners of a well-formed
+mouth, and thence descending in semicircles into a vast expanse of hair
+beneath the chin.
+
+Having mentioned Mr. Sponge's groomy gait and horsey propensities, it were
+almost needless to say that his dress was in the sporting style--you saw
+what he was by his clothes. Every article seemed to be made to defy the
+utmost rigour of the elements. His hat (Lincoln and Bennett) was hard and
+heavy. It sounded upon an entrance-hall table like a drum. A little magical
+loop in the lining explained the cause of its weight. Somehow, his hats
+were never either old or new--not that he bought them second-hand, but
+when he got a new one he took its 'long-coat' off, as he called it, with a
+singeing lamp, and made it look as if it had undergone a few probationary
+showers.
+
+When a good London hat recedes to a certain point, it gets no worse; it is
+not like a country-made thing that keeps going and going until it declines
+into a thing with no sort of resemblance to its original self. Barring its
+weight and hardness, the Sponge hat had no particular character apart from
+the Sponge head. It was not one of those punty ovals or Cheshire-cheese
+flats, or curly-sided things that enables one to say who is in a house and
+who is not, by a glance at the hats in the entrance, but it was just a
+quiet, round hat, without anything remarkable, either in the binding, the
+lining, or the band, but still it was a very becoming hat when Sponge had
+it on. There is a great deal of character in hats. We have seen hats that
+bring the owners to the recollection far more forcibly than the generality
+of portraits. But to our hero.
+
+That there may be a dandified simplicity in dress, is exemplified every day
+by our friends the Quakers, who adorn their beautiful brown Saxony coats
+with little inside velvet collars and fancy silk buttons, and even the
+severe order of sporting costume adopted by our friend Mr. Sponge is not
+devoid of capability in the way of tasteful adaptation. This Mr. Sponge
+chiefly showed in promoting a resemblance between his neck-cloths and
+waistcoats. Thus, if he wore a cream-coloured cravat, he would have a
+buff-coloured waistcoat, if a striped waistcoat, then the starcher would be
+imbued with somewhat of the same colour and pattern. The ties of these
+varied with their texture. The silk ones terminated in a sort of coaching
+fold, and were secured by a golden fox-head pin, while the striped
+starchers, with the aid of a pin on each side, just made a neat,
+unpretending tie in the middle, a sort of miniature of the flagrant,
+flyaway, Mile-End ones of aspiring youth of the present day. His coats were
+of the single-breasted cut-away order, with pockets outside, and generally
+either Oxford mixture or some dark colour, that required you to place him
+in a favourable light to say what it was.
+
+His waistcoats, of course, were of the most correct form and material,
+generally either pale buff, or buff with a narrow stripe, similar to the
+undress vests of the servants of the Royal Family, only with the pattern
+run across instead of lengthways, as those worthies mostly have theirs, and
+made with good honest step collars, instead of the make-believe roll
+collars they sometimes convert their upright ones into. When in deep
+thought, calculating, perhaps, the value of a passing horse, or considering
+whether he should have beefsteaks or lamb chops for dinner, Sponge's thumbs
+would rest in the arm-holes of his waistcoat; in which easy, but not very
+elegant, attitude he would sometimes stand until all trace of the idea that
+elevated them had passed away from his mind.
+
+In the trouser line he adhered to the close-fitting costume of former days;
+and many were the trials, the easings, and the alterings, ere he got a pair
+exactly to his mind. Many were the customers who turned away on seeing his
+manly figure filling the swing mirror in 'Snip and Sneiders',' a monopoly
+that some tradesmen might object to, only Mr. Sponge's trousers being
+admitted to be perfect 'triumphs of the art,' the more such a walking
+advertisement was seen in the shop the better. Indeed, we believe it would
+have been worth Snip and Co.'s while to have let him have them for nothing.
+They were easy without being tight, or rather they looked tight without
+being so; there wasn't a bag, a wrinkle, or a crease that there shouldn't
+be, and strong and storm-defying as they seemed, they were yet as soft and
+as supple as a lady's glove. They looked more as if his legs had been blown
+in them than as if such irreproachable garments were the work of man's
+hands. Many were the nudges, and many the 'look at this chap's trousers,'
+that were given by ambitious men emulous of his appearance as he passed
+along, and many were the turnings round to examine their faultless fall
+upon his radiant boot. The boots, perhaps, might come in for a little of
+the glory, for they were beautifully soft and cool-looking to the foot,
+easy without being loose, and he preserved the lustre of their polish, even
+up to the last moment of his walk. There never was a better man for getting
+through dirt, either on foot or horseback, than our friend.
+
+To the frequenters of the 'corner,' it were almost superfluous to mention
+that he is a constant attendant. He has several volumes of 'catalogues,'
+with the prices the horses have brought set down in the margins, and has a
+rare knack at recognizing old friends, altered, disguised, or disfigured as
+they may be--'I've seen that rip before,' he will say, with a knowing shake
+of the head, as some woe-begone devil goes, best leg foremost, up to the
+hammer, or, 'What! is that old beast back? why he's here every day.' No man
+can impose upon Soapy with a horse. He can detect the rough-coated
+plausibilities of the straw-yard, equally with the metamorphosis of the
+clipper or singer. His practised eye is not to be imposed upon either by
+the blandishments of the bang-tail, or the bereavements of the dock.
+Tattersall will hail him from his rostrum with--'Here's a horse will suit
+you, Mr. Sponge! cheap, good, and handsome! come and buy him.' But it is
+needless describing him here, for every out-of-place groom and
+dog-stealer's man knows him by sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+MR. BENJAMIN BUCKRAM
+
+
+Having dressed and sufficiently described our hero to enable our readers to
+form a general idea of the man, we have now to request them to return to
+the day of our introduction. Mr. Sponge had gone along Oxford Street at a
+somewhat improved pace to his usual wont--had paused for a shorter period
+in the ''bus' perplexed 'Circus,' and pulled up seldomer than usual between
+the Circus and the limits of his stroll. Behold him now at the Edgeware
+Road end, eyeing the 'buses with a wanting-a-ride like air, instead of the
+contemptuous sneer he generally adopts towards those uncouth productions.
+Red, greenn, blue, drab, cinnamon-colour, passed and crossed, and jostled,
+and stopped, and blocked, and the cads telegraphed, and winked, and nodded,
+and smiled, and slanged, but Mr. Sponge regarded them not. He had a sort of
+''bus' panorama in his head, knew the run of them all, whence they started,
+where they stopped, where they watered, where they changed, and, wonderful
+to relate, had never been entrapped into a sixpenny fare when he meant to
+take a threepenny one. In cab and ''bus' geography there is not a more
+learned man in London.
+
+Mark him as he stands at the corner. He sees what he wants, it's the
+chequered one with the red and blue wheels that the Bayswater ones have got
+between them, and that the St. John's Wood and two Western Railway ones are
+trying to get into trouble by crossing. What a row! how the ruffians whip,
+and stamp, and storm, and all but pick each other's horses' teeth with
+their poles, how the cads gesticulate, and the passengers imprecate! now
+the bonnets are out of the windows, and the row increases. Six coachmen
+cutting and storming, six cads sawing the air, sixteen ladies in flowers
+screaming, six-and-twenty sturdy passengers swearing they will 'fine them
+all,' and Mr. Sponge is the only cool person in the scene. He doesn't rush
+into the throng and 'jump in,' for fear the 'bus should extricate itself
+and drive on without him; he doesn't make confusion worse confounded by
+intimating his behest; he doesn't soil his bright boots by stepping off the
+kerb-stone; but, quietly waiting the evaporation of the steam, and the
+disentanglement of the vehicles, by the smallest possible sign in the
+world, given at the opportune moment, and a steady adhesion to the flags,
+the 'bus is obliged either to 'come to,' or lose the fare, and he steps
+quietly in, and squeezes along to the far end, as though intent on going
+the whole hog of the journey.
+
+Away they rumble up the Edgeware Road; the gradual emergence from the brick
+and mortar of London being marked as well by the telling out of passengers
+as by the increasing distances between the houses. First, it is all close
+huddle with both. Austere iron railings guard the subterranean kitchen
+areas, and austere looks indicate a desire on the part of the passengers to
+guard their own pockets; gradually little gardens usurp the places of the
+cramped areas, and, with their humanizing appearance, softer looks assume
+the place of frowning _anti_ swell-mob ones.
+
+Presently a glimpse of green country or of distant hills may be caught
+between the wider spaces of the houses, and frequent settings down increase
+the space between the passengers; gradually conservatories appear and
+conversation strikes up; then come the exclusiveness of villas, some
+detached and others running out at last into real pure green fields studded
+with trees and picturesque pot-houses, before one of which latter a sudden
+wheel round and a jerk announces the journey done. The last passenger (if
+there is one) is then unceremoniously turned loose upon the country.
+
+Our readers will have the kindness to suppose our hero, Mr. Sponge, shot
+out of an omnibus at the sign of the Cat and Compasses, in the full
+rurality of grass country, sprinkled with fallows and turnip-fields. We
+should state that this unwonted journey was a desire to pay a visit to Mr.
+Benjamin Buckram, the horse-dealer's farm at Scampley, distant some mile
+and a half from where he was set down, a space that he now purposed
+travelling on foot.
+
+Mr. Benjamin Buckram was a small horse-dealer--small, at least, when he was
+buying, though great when he was selling. It would do a youngster good to
+see Ben filling the two capacities. He dealt in second hand, that is to
+say, past mark of mouth horses; but on the present occasion, Mr. Sponge
+sought his services in the capacity of a letter rather than a seller of
+horses. Mr. Sponge wanted to job a couple of plausible-looking horses, with
+the option of buying them, provided he (Mr. Sponge) could sell them for
+more than he would have to give Mr. Buckram, exclusive of the hire. Mr.
+Buckram's job price, we should say, was as near twelve pounds a month,
+containing twenty-eight days, as he could screw, the hirer, of course,
+keeping the animals.
+
+Scampley is one of those pretty little suburban farms, peculiar to the
+north and north-west side of London--farms varying from fifty to a hundred
+acres of well-manured, gravelly soil; each farm with its picturesque little
+buildings, consisting of small, honey-suckled, rose-entwined brick houses,
+with small, flat, pan-tiled roofs, and lattice-windows; and, hard by, a
+large hay-stack, three times the size of the house, or a desolate barn,
+half as big as all the rest of the buildings. From the smallness of the
+holdings, the farmhouses are dotted about as thickly, and at such varying
+distances from the roads, as to look like inferior 'villas,' falling out of
+rank; most of them have a half-smart, half-seedy sort of look.
+
+The rustics who cultivate them, or rather look after them, are neither
+exactly town nor country. They have the clownish dress and boorish gait of
+the regular 'chaws,' with a good deal of the quick, suspicious, sour
+sauciness of the low London resident. If you can get an answer from them at
+all, it is generally delivered in such a way as to show that the answerer
+thinks you are what they call 'chaffing them,' asking them what you know.
+
+These farms serve the double purpose of purveyors to the London stables,
+and hospitals for sick, overworked, or unsaleable horses. All the great
+job-masters and horse-dealers have these retreats in the country, and the
+smaller ones pretend to have, from whence, in due course, they can draw any
+sort of an animal a customer may want, just as little cellarless
+wine-merchants can get you any sort of wine from real establishments--if
+you only give them time.
+
+There was a good deal of mystery about Scampley. It was sometimes in the
+hands of Mr. Benjamin Buckram, sometimes in the hands of his assignees,
+sometimes in those of his cousin, Abraham Brown, and sometimes John Doe and
+Richard Roe were the occupants of it.
+
+Mr. Benjamin Buckram, though very far from being one, had the advantage of
+looking like a respectable man. There was a certain plump, well-fed
+rosiness about him, which, aided by a bright-coloured dress, joined to a
+continual fumble in the pockets of his drab trousers, gave him the air of a
+'well-to-do-in-the-world' sort of man. Moreover, he sported a velvet collar
+to his blue coat, a more imposing ornament than it appears at first sight.
+To be sure, there are two sorts of velvet collars--the legitimate velvet
+collar, commencing with the coat, and the adopted velvet collar, put on
+when the cloth one gets shabby.
+
+Buckram's was always the legitimate velvet collar, new from the first, and,
+we really believe, a permanent velvet collar, adhered to in storm and in
+sunshine, has a very money-making impression on the world. It shows a
+spirit superior to feelings of paltry economy, and we think a person would
+be much more excusable for being victimized by a man with a good velvet
+collar to his coat, than by one exhibiting that spurious sign of
+gentility--a horse and gig.
+
+The reader will now have the kindness to consider Mr. Sponge arriving at
+Scampley.
+
+'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mr. Buckram, who, having seen our friend
+advancing up the little twisting approach from the road to his house
+through a little square window almost blinded with Irish ivy, out of which
+he was in the habit of contemplating the arrival of his occasional lodgers,
+Doe and Roe. 'Ah, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed he, with well-assumed gaiety; 'you
+should have been here yesterday; sent away two sich osses--perfect
+'unters--the werry best I do think I ever saw in my life; either would have
+bin the werry oss for your money. But come in, Mr. Sponge, sir, come in,'
+continued he, backing himself through a little sentry-box of a green
+portico, to a narrow passage which branched off into little rooms on either
+side.
+
+As Buckram made this retrograde movement, he gave a gentle pull to the
+wooden handle of an old-fashioned wire bell-pull in the midst of buggy,
+four-in-hand, and other whips, hanging in the entrance, a touch that was
+acknowledged by a single tinkle of the bell in the stable-yard.
+
+They then entered the little room on the right, whose walls were decorated
+with various sporting prints chiefly illustrative of steeple-chases, with
+here and there a stunted fox-brush, tossing about as a duster. The
+ill-ventilated room reeked with the effluvia of stale smoke, and the faded
+green baize of a little round table in the centre was covered with
+filbert-shells and empty ale-glasses. The whole furniture of the room
+wasn't worth five pounds.
+
+Mr. Sponge, being now on the dealing tack, commenced in the
+poverty-stricken strain adapted to the occasion. Having deposited his hat
+on the floor, taken his left leg up to nurse, and given his hair a backward
+rub with his right hand, he thus commenced:
+
+'Now, Buckram,' said he, 'I'll tell you how it is. I'm deuced
+hard-up--regularly in Short's Gardens. I lost eighteen 'undred on the
+Derby, and seven on the Leger, the best part of my year's income, indeed;
+and I just want to hire two or three horses for the season, with the option
+of buying, if I like; and if you supply me well, I may be the means of
+bringing grist to your mill; you twig, eh?'
+
+'Well, Mr. Sponge,' replied Buckram, sliding several consecutive
+half-crowns down the incline plane of his pocket. 'Well, Mr. Sponge, I
+shall be happy to do my best for you. I wish you'd come yesterday, though,
+as I said before, I jest had two of the neatest nags--a bay and a grey--not
+that colour makes any matter to a judge like you; there's no sounder sayin'
+than that a good oss is not never of a bad colour; only to a young gemman,
+you know, it's well to have 'em smart, and the ticket, in short;
+howsomever, I must do the best I can for you, and if there's nothin' in
+that tickles your fancy, why, you must give me a few days to see if I can
+arrange an exchange with some other gent; but the present is like to be a
+werry haggiwatin' season; had more happlications for osses nor ever I
+remembers, and I've been a dealer now, man and boy, turned of
+eight-and-thirty years; but young gents is whimsical, and it was a young
+'un wot got these, and there's no sayin' but he mayn't like them--indeed,
+one's rayther difficult to ride--that's to say, the grey, the neatest of
+the two, and he _may_ come back, and if so, you shall have him; and a
+safer, sweeter oss was never seen, or one more like to do credit to a gent:
+but you knows what an oss is, Mr. Sponge, and can do justice to me, and I
+should like to put summut good into your hands--_that_ I should.'
+
+With conversation, or rather with balderdash, such as this, Mr. Buckram
+beguiled the few minutes necessary for removing the bandages, hiding the
+bottles, and stirring up the cripples about to be examined, and the heavy
+flap of the coach-house door announcing that all was ready, he forthwith
+led the way through a door in a brick wall into a little three-sides of a
+square yard, formed of stables and loose boxes, with a dilapidated
+dove-cote above a pump in the centre; Mr. Buckram, not growing corn, could
+afford to keep pigeons.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+PETER LEATHER
+
+
+Nothing bespeaks the character of a dealer's trade more than the servants
+and hangers-on of the establishment. The civiler in manner, and the better
+they are 'put on,' the higher the standing of the master, and the better
+the stamp of the horses.
+
+Those about Mr. Buckram's were of a very shady order. Dirty-shirted,
+sloggering, baggy-breeched, slangey-gaitered fellows, with the word 'gin'
+indelibly imprinted on their faces. Peter Leather, the head man, was one of
+the fallen angels of servitude. He had once driven a duke--the Duke of
+Dazzleton--having nothing whatever to do but dress himself and climb into
+his well-indented richly fringed throne, with a helper at each horse's head
+to 'let go' at a nod from his broad laced three-cornered hat. Then having
+got in his cargo (or rubbish, as he used to call them), he would start off
+at a pace that was truly terrific, cutting out this vehicle, shooting past
+that, all but grazing a third, anathematizing the 'buses, and abusing the
+draymen. We don't know how he might be with the queen, but he certainly
+drove as though he thought nobody had any business in the street while the
+Duchess of Dazzleton wanted it. The duchess liked going fast, and Peter
+accommodated her. The duke jobbed his horses and didn't care about pace,
+and so things might have gone on very comfortably, if Peter one afternoon
+hadn't run his pole into the panel of a very plain but very neat yellow
+barouche, passing the end of New Bond Street, which having nothing but a
+simple crest--a stag's head on the panel--made him think it belonged to
+some bulky cit, taking the air with his rib, but who, unfortunately, turned
+out to be no less a person than Sir Giles Nabem, Knight, the great police
+magistrate, upon one of whose myrmidons in plain clothes, who came to the
+rescue, Peter committed a most violent assault, for which unlucky casualty
+his worship furnished him with rotatory occupation for his fat calves in
+the 'H. of C.,' as the clerk shortly designated the House of Correction.
+Thither Peter went, and in lieu of his lace-bedaubed coat, gold-gartered
+plushes, stockings, and buckled shoes, he was dressed up in a suit of
+tight-fitting yellow and black-striped worsteds, that gave him the
+appearance of a wasp without wings. Peter Leather then tumbled regularly
+down the staircase of servitude, the greatness of his fall being
+occasionally broken by landing in some inferior place. From the Duke of
+Dazzleton's, or rather from the tread-mill, he went to the Marquis of
+Mammon, whom he very soon left because he wouldn't wear a second-hand wig.
+From the marquis he got hired to the great Irish Earl of Coarsegab, who
+expected him to wash the carriage, wait at table, and do other incidentals
+never contemplated by a London coachman. Peter threw this place up with
+indignation on being told to take the letters to the post. He then lived on
+his 'means' for a while, a thing that is much finer in theory than in
+practice, and having about exhausted his substance and placed the bulk of
+his apparel in safe keeping, he condescended to take a place as job
+coachman in a livery-stable--a 'horses let by the hour, day, or month'
+one, in which he enacted as many characters, at least made as many
+different appearances, as the late Mr. Mathews used to do in his celebrated
+'At Homes.' One day Peter would be seen ducking under the mews' entrance in
+one of those greasy, painfully well-brushed hats, the certain precursors of
+soiled linen and seedy, most seedy-covered buttoned coats, that would
+puzzle a conjuror to say whether they were black, or grey, or olive, or
+invisible green turned visible brown. Then another day he might be seen in
+old Mrs. Gadabout's sky-blue livery, with a tarnished, gold-laced hat,
+nodding over his nose; and on a third he would shine forth in Mrs.
+Major-General Flareup's cockaded one, with a worsted shoulder-knot, and a
+much over-daubed light drab livery coat, with crimson inexpressibles, so
+tight as to astonish a beholder how he ever got into them. Humiliation,
+however, has its limits as well as other things; and Peter having been
+invited to descend from his box--alas! a regular country patent leather
+one, and invest himself in a Quaker-collared blue coat, with a red vest,
+and a pair of blue trousers with a broad red stripe down the sides, to
+drive the Honourable old Miss Wrinkleton, of Harley Street, to Court in a
+'one oss pianoforte-case,' as he called a Clarence, he could stand it no
+longer, and, chucking the nether garments into the fire, he rushed
+frantically up the area-steps, mounted his box, and quilted the old
+crocodile of a horse all the way home, accompanying each cut with an
+imprecation such as '_me_ make a guy of myself!' (whip) '_me_ put on sich
+things!' (whip, whip) '_me_ drive down Sin Jimses-street!' (whip, whip,
+whip), '_I'd_ see her ---- fust!' (whip, whip, whip), cutting at the old
+horse just as if he was laying it into Miss Wrinkleton, so that by the time
+he got home he had established a considerable lather on the old nag, which
+his master resenting a row ensued, the sequel of which may readily be
+imagined. After assisting Mrs. Clearstarch, the Kilburn laundress, in
+getting in and taking out her washing, for a few weeks, chance at last
+landed him at Mr. Benjamin Buckram's, from whence he is now about to be
+removed to become our hero Mr. Sponge's Sancho Panza, in his fox-hunting,
+fortune-hunting career, and disseminate in remote parts his doctrines of
+the real honour and dignity of servitude. Now to the inspection.
+
+Peter Leather, having a peep-hole as well as his master, on seeing Mr.
+Sponge arrive, had given himself an extra rub over, and covered his dirty
+shirt with a clean, well-tied, white kerchief, and a whole coloured scarlet
+waistcoat, late the property of one of his noble employers, in hopes that
+Sponge's visit might lead to something. Peter was about sick of the
+suburbs, and thought, of course, that he couldn't be worse off than where
+he was.
+
+'Here's Mr. Sponge wants some osses,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Leather met
+them in the middle of the little yard, and brought his right arm round with
+a sort of military swing to his forehead; 'what 'ave we in?' continued
+Buckram, with the air of a man with so many horses that he didn't know what
+were in and what were out.
+
+'Vy we 'ave Rumbleton in,' replied Leather, thoughtfully, stroking down his
+hair as he spoke, 'and we 'ave Jack o'Lanthorn in, and we 'ave the Camel
+in, and there's the little Hirish oss with the sprig tail--Jack-a-Dandy, as
+I calls him, and the Flyer will be in to-night, he's just out a hairing, as
+it were, with old Mr. Callipash.'
+
+'Ah, Rumbleton won't do for Mr. Sponge,' observed Buckram, thoughtfully, at
+the same time letting go a tremendous avalanche of silver down his trouser
+pocket, 'Rumbleton won't do,' repeated he, 'nor Jack-a-Dandy nouther.'
+
+'Why, I wouldn't commend neither on 'em,' replied Peter, taking his cue
+from his master, 'only ven you axes me vot there's in, you knows vy I must
+give you a _cor_-rect answer, in course.'
+
+'In course,' nodded Buckram.
+
+Leather and Buckram had a good understanding in the lying line, and had
+fallen into a sort of tacit arrangement that if the former was staunch
+about the horses he was at liberty to make the best terms he could for
+himself. Whatever Buckram said, Leather swore to, and they had established
+certain signals and expressions that each understood.
+
+'I've an unkimmon nice oss,' at length observed Mr. Buckram, with a
+scrutinizing glance at Sponge, 'and an oss in hevery respect werry like
+your work, but he's an oss I'll candidly state, I wouldn't put in every
+one's 'ands, for, in the fust place, he's wery walueous, and in the second,
+he requires an ossman to ride; howsomever, as I knows that you _can_ ride,
+and if you doesn't mind taking my 'ead man,' jerking his elbow at Leather,
+'to look arter him, I wouldn't mind 'commodatin' on you, prowided we can
+'gree upon terms.'
+
+'Well, let's see him,' interrupted Sponge, 'and we can talk about terms
+after.'
+
+'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Buckram, again letting loose a
+reaccumulated rush of silver down his pocket. 'Here, Tom! Joe! Harry!
+where's Sam?' giving the little tinkler of a bell a pull as he spoke.
+
+'Sam be in the straw 'ouse,' replied Leather, passing through a stable into
+a wooden projection beyond, where the gentleman in question was enjoying a
+nap.
+
+'Sam!' said he, 'Sam!' repeated he, in a louder tone, as he saw the object
+of his search's nose popping through the midst of the straw.
+
+'What now?' exclaimed Sam, starting up, and looking wildly around; 'what
+now?' repeated he, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.
+
+'Get out Ercles,' said Leather, _sotto voce_.
+
+The lad was a mere stripling--some fifteen or sixteen, years,
+perhaps--tall, slight, and neat, with dark hair and eyes, and was dressed
+in a brown jacket--a real boy's jacket, without laps, white cords, and
+top-boots. It was his business to risk his neck and limbs at all hours of
+the day, on all sorts of horses, over any sort of place that any person
+chose to require him to put a horse at, and this he did with the daring
+pleasure of youth as yet undaunted by any serious fall. Sam now bestirred
+himself to get out the horse. The clambering of hoofs presently announced
+his approach.
+
+Whether Hercules was called Hercules on account of his amazing strength, or
+from a fanciful relationship to the famous horse of that name, we know
+not; but his strength and his colour would favour either supposition. He
+was an immense, tall, powerful, dark brown, sixteen hands horse, with an
+arched neck and crest, well set on, clean, lean head, and loins that looked
+as if they could shoot a man into the next county. His condition was
+perfect. His coat lay as close and even as satin, with cleanly developed
+muscle, and altogether he looked as hard as a cricket-ball. He had a famous
+switch tail, reaching nearly to his hocks, and making him look less than he
+would otherwise have done.
+
+Mr. Sponge was too well versed in horse-flesh to imagine that such an
+animal would be in the possession of such a third-rate dealer as Buckram,
+unless there was something radically wrong about him, and as Sam and
+Leather were paying the horse those stable attentions that always precede a
+show out, Mr. Sponge settled in his own mind that the observation about his
+requiring a horseman to ride him, meant that he was vicious. Nor was he
+wrong in his anticipations, for not all Leather's whistlings, or Sam's
+endearings and watchings, could conceal the sunken, scowling eye, that as
+good as said, 'you'd better keep clear of me.'
+
+Mr. Sponge, however, was a dauntless horseman. What man dared he dared, and
+as the horse stepped proudly and freely out of the stable, Mr. Sponge
+thought he looked very like a hunter. Nor were Mr. Buckram's laudations
+wanting in the animal's behalf.
+
+'There's an 'orse!' exclaimed he, drawing his right hand out of his trouser
+pocket, and flourishing it towards him. 'If that 'orse were down in
+Leicestersheer,' added he, 'he'd fetch three 'under'd guineas. Sir Richard
+would 'ave him in a minnit--_that he would!_' added he, with a stamp of his
+foot as he saw the animal beginning to set up his back and wince at the
+approach of the lad. (We may here mention by way of parenthesis, that Mr.
+Buckram had brought him out of Warwicksheer for thirty pounds, where the
+horse had greatly distinguished himself, as well by kicking off sundry
+scarlet swells in the gaily thronged streets of Leamington, as by running
+away with divers others over the wide-stretching grazing grounds of
+Southam and Dunchurch.)
+
+But to our story. The horse now stood staring on view: fire in his eye, and
+vigour in his every limb. Leather at his head, the lad at his side. Sponge
+and Buckram a little on the left.
+
+'W--h--o--a--a--y, my man, w--h--o--a--a--y,' continued Mr. Buckram, as a
+liberal show of the white of the eye was followed by a little wince and
+hoist of the hind quarters on the nearer approach of the lad.
+
+'Look sharp, boy,' said he, in a very different tone to the soothing one in
+which he had just been addressing the horse. The lad lifted up his leg for
+a hoist. Leather gave him one as quick as thought, and led on the horse as
+the lad gathered up his reins. They then made for a large field at the back
+of the house, with leaping-bars, hurdles, 'on and offs,' 'ins and outs,'
+all sorts of fancy leaps scattered about. Having got him fairly in, and the
+lad having got himself fairly settled in the saddle he gave the horse a
+touch with the spur as Leather let go his head, and after a desperate
+plunge or two started off at a gallop.
+
+'He's fresh,' observed Mr. Buckram confidentially to Mr. Sponge, 'he's
+fresh--wants work, in short--short of work--wouldn't put every one on
+him--wouldn't put one o' your timid cocknified chaps on him, for if ever he
+were to get the hupper 'and, vy I doesn't know as 'ow that we might get the
+hupper 'and o' him, agen, but the playful rogue knows ven he's got a
+workman on his back--see how he gives to the lad though he's only fifteen,
+and not strong of his hage nouther,' continued Mr. Buckram, 'and I guess if
+he had sich a consternation of talent as you on his back, he'd wery soon be
+as quiet as a lamb--not that he's wicious--far from it, only play--full of
+play, I may say, though to be sure, if a man gets spilt it don't argufy
+much whether it's done from play or from wice.'
+
+During this time the horse was going through his evolutions, hopping over
+this thing, popping over that, making as little of everything as practice
+makes them do.
+
+Having gone through the usual routine, the lad now walked the glowing
+coated snorting horse back to where the trio stood. Mr. Sponge again looked
+him over, and still seeing no exception to take to him, bid the lad get off
+and lengthen the stirrups for him to take a ride. That was the difficulty.
+The first two minutes always did it. Mr. Sponge, however, nothing daunted,
+borrowed Sam's spurs, and making Leather hold the horse by the head till he
+got well into the saddle, and then lead him on a bit; he gave the animal
+such a dig in both sides as fairly threw him off his guard, and made him
+start away at a gallop, instead of standing and delivering, as was his
+wont.
+
+Away Mr. Sponge shot, pulling him about, trying all his paces, and putting
+him at all sorts of leaps.
+
+Emboldened by the nerve and dexterity displayed by Mr. Sponge, Mr. Buckram
+stood meditating a further trial of his equestrian ability, as he watched
+him bucketing 'Ercles' about. Hercules had 'spang-hewed' so many triers,
+and the hideous contraction of his resolute back had deterred so many from
+mounting, that Buckram had begun to fear he would have to place him in the
+only remaining school for incurables, the 'bus. Hack-horse riders are
+seldom great horsemen. The very fact of their being hack-horse riders shows
+they are little accustomed to horses, or they would not give the fee-simple
+of an animal for a few weeks' work.
+
+'I've a wonderful clever little oss,' observed Mr. Buckram, as Sponge
+returned with a slack-rein and a satisfied air on the late resolute
+animal's back. '_Little_ I can 'ardly call 'im,' continued Mr. Buckram,
+'only he's low; but you knows that the 'eight of an oss has nothin' to do
+with his size. Now this is a perfect dray-oss in miniature. An 'Arrow gent,
+lookin' at him t'other day christen'd him "Multum in Parvo." But though
+he's so _ter-men_-dous strong, he has the knack o' goin', specially in
+deep; and if you're not a-goin' to Sir Richard, but into some o' them
+plough sheers (shires), I'd 'commend him to you.'
+
+'Let's have a look at him,' replied Mr. Sponge, throwing his right leg over
+Hercules' head and sliding from the saddle on to the ground, as if he were
+alighting from the quietest shooting pony in the world.
+
+All then was hurry, scurry, and scamper to get this second prodigy out.
+Presently he appeared. Multum in Parvo certainly was all that Buckram
+described him. A long, low, clean-headed, clean-necked, big-hocked,
+chestnut, with a long tail, and great, large, flat white legs, without mark
+or blemish upon them. Unlike Hercules, there was nothing indicative of vice
+or mischief about him. Indeed, he was rather a sedate, meditative-looking
+animal; and, instead of the watchful, arms'-length sort of way Leather and
+Co. treated Hercules, they jerked and punched Parvo about as if he were a
+cow.
+
+Still Parvo had his foibles. He was a resolute, head-strong animal, that
+would go his own way in spite of all the pulling and hauling in the world.
+If he took it into his obstinate head to turn into a particular field, into
+it he would be; or against the gate-post he would bump the rider's leg in a
+way that would make him remember the difference of opinion between them.
+His was not a fiery, hot-headed spirit, with object or reason for its
+guide, but just a regular downright pig-headed sort of stupidity, that
+nobody could account for. He had a mouth like a bull, and would walk clean
+through a gate sometimes rather than be at the trouble of rising to leap
+it; at other times he would hop over it like a bird. He could not beat Mr.
+Buckram's men, because they were always on the look-out for objects of
+contention with sharp spur rowels, ready to let into his sides the moment
+he began to stop; but a weak or a timid man on his back had no more chance
+than he would on an elephant. If the horse chose to carry him into the
+midst of the hounds at the meet, he would have him in--nay, he would think
+nothing of upsetting the master himself in the middle of the pack. Then the
+provoking part was, that the obstinate animal, after having done all the
+mischief, would just set to to eat as if nothing had happened. After
+rolling a sportsman in the mud, he would repair to the nearest hay-stack or
+grassy bank, and be caught. He was now ten years old, or a _leetle_ more
+perhaps, and very wicked years some of them had been. His adventures, his
+sellings and his returning, his lettings and his unlettings, his bumpings
+and spillings, his smashings and crashings, on the road, in the field, in
+single and in double harness, would furnish a volume of themselves; and in
+default of a more able historian, we purpose blending his future fortune
+with that of 'Ercles,' in the service of our hero Mr. Sponge, and his
+accomplished groom, and undertaking the important narration of them
+ourselves.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+We trust our opening chapters, aided by our friend Leech's pencil, will
+have enabled our readers to embody such a Sponge in their mind's eye as
+will assist them in following us through the course of his peregrinations.
+We do not profess to have drawn such a portrait as will raise the same sort
+of Sponge in the minds of all, but we trust we have given such a general
+outline of style, and indication of character, as an ordinary knowledge of
+the world will enable them to imagine a good, pushing, free-and-easy sort
+of man, wishing to be a gentleman without knowing how.
+
+Far more difficult is the task of conveying to our readers such information
+as will enable them to form an idea of our hero's ways and means. An
+accommodating world--especially the female portion of it--generally
+attribute ruin to the racer, and fortune to the fox-hunter; but though Mr.
+Sponge's large losses on the turf, as detailed by him to Mr. Buckram on the
+occasion of their deal or 'job,' would bring him in the category of the
+unfortunates; still that representation was nearly, if not altogether,
+fabulous. That Mr. Sponge might have lost a trifle on the great races of
+the year, we don't mean to deny, but that he lost such a sum as eighteen
+hundred on the Derby, and seven on the Leger, we are in a condition to
+contradict, for the best of all possible reasons, that he hadn't it to
+lose. At the same time we do not mean to attribute falsehood to Mr.
+Sponge--quite the contrary--it is no uncommon thing for merchants and
+traders--men who 'talk in thousands,' to declare that they lost twenty
+thousand by this, or forty thousand by that, simply meaning that they
+didn't make it, and if Mr. Sponge, by taking the longest of the long odds
+against the most wretched of the outsiders, might have won the sums he
+named, he surely had a right to say he lost them when he didn't get them.
+
+It never does to be indigenously poor, if we may use such a term, and when
+a man gets to the end of his tether, he must have something or somebody to
+blame rather than his own extravagance or imprudence, and if there is no
+'rascally lawyer' who has bolted with his title-deeds, or fraudulent agent
+who has misappropriated his funds, why then, railroads, or losses on the
+turf, or joint-stock banks that have shut up at short notice, come in as
+the scapegoats. Very willing hacks they are, too, railways especially, and
+so frequently ridden, that it is no easy matter to discriminate between the
+real and the fictitious loser.
+
+But though we are able to contradict Mr. Sponge's losses on the turf, we
+are sorry we are not able to elevate him to the riches the character of a
+fox-hunter generally inspires. Still, like many men of whom the common
+observation is, 'nobody knows how he lives,' Mr. Sponge always seemed well
+to do in the world. There was no appearance of want about him. He always
+hunted: sometimes with five horses, sometimes with four, seldom with less
+than three, though at the period of our introduction he had come down to
+two. Nevertheless, those two, provided he could but make them 'go,' were
+well calculated to do the work of four. And hack horses, of all sorts, it
+may be observed, generally do double the work of private ones; and if there
+is one man in the world better calculated to get the work out of them than
+another, that man most assuredly is Mr. Sponge. And this reminds us, that
+we may as well state that his bargain with Buckram was a sort of jobbing
+deal. He had to pay ten guineas a month for each horse, with a sort of
+sliding scale of prices if he chose to buy--the price of 'Ercles' (the big
+brown) being fixed at fifty, inclusive of hire at the end of the first
+month, and gradually rising according to the length of time he kept him
+beyond that; while, 'Multum in Parvo,' the resolute chestnut, was booked at
+thirty, with the right of buying at five more, a contingency that Buckram
+little expected. He, we may add, had got him for ten, and dear he thought
+him when he got him home.
+
+The world was now all before Mr. Sponge where to choose; and not being the
+man to keep hack horses to look at, we must be setting him a-going.
+
+'Leicesterscheer swells,' as Mr. Buckram would call them, with their
+fourteen hunters and four hacks, will smile at the idea of a man going from
+home to hunt with only a couple of 'screws,' but Mr. Sponge knew what he
+was about, and didn't want any one to counsel him. He knew there were
+places where a man can follow up the effect produced by a red coat in the
+morning to great advantage in the evening; and if he couldn't hunt every
+day in the week, as he could have wished, he felt he might fill up his time
+perhaps quite as profitably in other ways. The ladies, to do them justice,
+are never at all suspicious about men--on the 'nibble'--always taking it
+for granted, they are 'all they could wish,' and they know each other so
+well, that any cautionary hint acts rather in a man's favour than
+otherwise. Moreover, hunting men, as we said before, are all supposed to be
+rich, and as very few ladies are aware that a horse can't hunt every day in
+the week, they just class the whole 'genus' fourteen-horse power men,
+ten-horse power men, five-horse power men, two-horse power men, together,
+and tying them in a bunch, label it '_very rich_,' and proceed to take
+measures accordingly.
+
+Let us now visit one of the 'strongholds' of fox and fortune-hunting.
+
+A sudden turn of a long, gently rising, but hitherto uninteresting road,
+brings the posting traveller suddenly upon the rich, well-wooded,
+beautifully undulating vale of Fordingford, whose fine green pastures are
+brightened with occasional gleams of a meandering river, flowing through
+the centre of the vale. In the far distance, looking as though close upon
+the blue hills, though in reality several miles apart, sundry spires and
+taller buildings are seen rising above the grey mists towards which a
+straight, undeviating, matter-of-fact line of railway passing up the right
+of the vale, directs the eye. This is the famed Laverick Wells, the
+resort, as indeed all watering-places are, according to newspaper accounts,
+of
+
+                           'Knights and dames,
+    And all that wealth and lofty lineage claim.'
+
+At the period of which we write, however, 'Laverick Wells' was in great
+feather--it had never known such times. Every house, every lodging, every
+hole and corner was full, and the great hotels, which more resemble
+Lancashire cotton-mills than English hostelries, were sending away
+applicants in the most offhand, indifferent way.
+
+The Laverick Wells hounds had formerly been under the management of the
+well-known Mr. Thomas Slocdolager, a hard-riding, hard-bitten, hold-harding
+sort of sportsman, whose whole soul was in the thing, and who would have
+ridden over his best friend in the ardour of the chase.
+
+[Illustration: MR. THOMAS SLOCDOLAGER, LATE MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS]
+
+In some countries such a creature may be considered an acquisition, and so
+long as he reigned at the Wells, people made the best they could of him,
+though it was painfully apparent to the livery-stable keepers, and others,
+who had the best interest of the place at heart, that such a red-faced,
+gloveless, drab-breeched, mahogany-booted buffer, who would throw off at
+the right time, and who resolutely set his great stubbly-cheeked face
+against all show meets and social intercourse in the field, was not exactly
+the man for a civilized place. Whether time might have enlightened Mr.
+Slocdolager as to the fact, that continuous killing of foxes, after
+fatiguingly long runs, was not the way to the hearts of the Laverick Wells
+sportsmen, is unknown, for on attempting to realize as fine a subscription
+as ever appeared upon paper, it melted so in the process of collection,
+that what was realized was hardly worth his acceptance; saying so, in his
+usual blunt way, that if he hunted a country at his own expense he would
+hunt one that wasn't encumbered with fools, he just stamped his little
+wardrobe into a pair of old black saddle-bags, and rode out of town without
+saying 'tar, tar,' good-bye, carding, or P.P.C.-ing anybody.
+
+This was at the end of a season, a circumstance that considerably mitigated
+the inconvenience so abrupt a departure might have occasioned, and as one
+of the great beauties of Laverick Wells is, that it is just as much in
+vogue in summer as in winter, the inhabitants consoled themselves with the
+old aphorism, that there is as 'good fish in the sea as ever came out of
+it,' and cast about in search of some one to supply his place at as small
+cost to themselves as possible. In a place so replete with money and the
+enterprise of youth, little difficulty was anticipated, especially when the
+old bait of 'a name' being all that was wanted, 'an ample subscription,' to
+defray all expenses figuring in the background, was held out.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+MR. WAFFLES
+
+
+Among a host of most meritorious young men--(any of whom would get up
+behind a bill for five hundred pounds without looking to see that it wasn't
+a thousand)--among a host of most meritorious young men who made their
+appearance at Laverick Wells towards the close of Mr. Slocdolager's reign,
+was Mr. Waffles; a most enterprising youth, just on the verge of arriving
+of age, and into the possession of a very considerable amount of charming
+ready money.
+
+Were it not that a 'proud aristocracy,' as Sir Robert Peel called them,
+have shown that they can get over any little deficiency of birth if there
+is sufficiency of cash, we should have thought it necessary to make the
+best of Mr. Waffles' pedigree, but the tide of opinion evidently setting
+the other way, we shall just give it as we had it, and let the proud
+aristocracy reject him if they like. Mr. Waffles' father, then, was either
+a great grazier or a great brazier--which, we are unable to say, 'for a
+small drop of ink having fallen,' not 'like dew,' but like a black beetle,
+on the first letter of the word in our correspondent's communication, it
+may do for either--but in one of which trades he made a 'mint of money,'
+and latish on in life married a lady who hitherto had filled the honourable
+office of dairy-maid in his house; she was a fine handsome woman and a year
+or two after the birth of this their only child, he departed this life,
+nearer eighty than seventy, leaving an 'inconsolable,' &c., who
+unfortunately contracted matrimony with a master pork-butcher, before she
+got the fine flattering white monument up, causing young Waffles to be
+claimed for dry-nursing by that expert matron the High Court of Chancery;
+who, of course, had him properly educated--where, it is immaterial to
+relate, as we shall step on till we find him at college.
+
+Our friend, having proved rather too vivacious for the Oxford Dons, had
+been recommended to try the effects of the Laverick Wells, or any other
+waters he liked, and had arrived with a couple of hunters and a hack, much
+to the satisfaction of the neighbouring master of hounds and his huntsman;
+for Waffles had ridden over and maimed more hounds to his own share, during
+the two seasons he had been at Oxford, than that gentleman had been in the
+habit of appropriating to the use of the whole university. Corresponding
+with that gentleman's delight at getting rid of him was Mr. Slocdolager's
+dismay at his appearance, for fully satisfied that Oxford was the seat of
+fox-hunting as well as of all the other arts and sciences, Mr. Waffles
+undertook to enlighten him and his huntsman on the mysteries of their
+calling, and 'Old Sloc,' as he was called, being a very silent man, while
+Mr. Waffles was a very noisy one, Sloc was nearly talked deaf by him.
+
+Mr. Waffles was just in the hey-day of hot, rash, youthful indiscretion and
+extravagance. He had not the slightest idea of the value of money, and
+looked at the fortune he was so closely approaching as perfectly
+inexhaustible. His rooms, the most spacious and splendid at that most
+spacious and splendid hotel, the 'Imperial,' were filled with a profusion
+of the most useless but costly articles. Jewellery without end, pictures
+innumerable, pictures that represented all sorts of imaginary sums of
+money, just as they represented all sorts of imaginary scenes, but whose
+real worth or genuineness would never be tested till the owner wanted to
+'convert them.'
+
+Mr. Waffles was a 'pretty man.' Tall, slim, and slight, with long curly
+light hair, pink and white complexion, visionary whiskers, and a tendency
+to moustache that could best be seen sideways. He had light blue eyes;
+while his features generally were good, but expressive of little beyond
+great good-humour. In dress, he was both smart and various; indeed, we feel
+a difficulty in fixing him in any particular costume, so frequent and
+opposite were his changes. He had coats of every cut and colour. Sometimes
+he was the racing man with a bright-button'd Newmarket brown cut-away, and
+white-cord trousers, with drab cloth-boots; anon, he would be the officer,
+and shine forth in a fancy forage cap, cocked jauntily over a profusion of
+well-waxed curls, a richly braided surtout, with military overalls strapped
+down over highly varnished boots, whose hypocritical heels would sport a
+pair of large rowelled long-necked, ringing, brass spurs. Sometimes he was
+a Jack tar, with a little glazed hat, a once-round tie, a checked shirt, a
+blue jacket, roomy trousers, and broad-stringed pumps; and, before the
+admiring ladies had well digested him in that dress, he would be seen
+cantering away on a long-tailed white barb, in a pea-green duck-hunter,
+with cream-coloured leather and rose-tinted tops. He was
+
+    'All things by turns, and nothing long.'
+
+Such was the gentleman elected to succeed the silent, matter-of-fact Mr.
+Slocdolager in the important office of Master of the Laverick Wells Hunt;
+and whatever may be the merits of either--upon which we pass no opinion--it
+cannot be denied that they were essentially different. Mr. Slocdolager was
+a man of few words, and not at all a ladies' man. He could not even talk
+when he was crammed with wine, and though he could hold a good quantity,
+people soon found out they might just as well pour it into a jug as down
+his throat, so they gave up asking him out. He was a man of few coats, as
+well as of few words; one on, and one off, being the extent of his
+wardrobe. His scarlet was growing plum-colour, and the rest of his hunting
+costume has been already glanced at. He lodged above Smallbones, the
+veterinary surgeon, in a little back street, where he lived in the quietest
+way, dining when he came in from hunting,--dressing, or rather changing,
+only when he was wet, hunting each fox again over his brandy-and-water, and
+bundling off to bed long before many of his 'field' had left the
+dining-room. He was little better than a better sort of huntsman.
+
+Waffles, as we said before, had made himself conspicuous towards the close
+of Mr. Slocdolager's reign, chiefly by his dashing costume, his reckless
+riding, and his off-hand way of blowing up and slanging people.
+
+Indeed, a stranger would have taken him for the master, a delusion that was
+heightened by his riding with a formidable-looking sherry-case, in the
+shape of a horn, at his saddle. Save when engaged in sucking this, his
+tongue was never at fault. It was jabber, jabber, jabber; chatter, chatter,
+chatter; prattle, prattle, prattle; occasionally about something, oftener
+about nothing, but in cover or out, stiff country or open, trotting or
+galloping, wet day or dry, good scenting day or bad, Waffles' clapper never
+was at rest. Like all noisy chaps, too, he could not bear any one to make a
+noise but himself. In furtherance of this, he called in the aid of his
+Oxfordshire rhetoric. He would halloo _at_ people, designating them by some
+peculiarity that he thought he could wriggle out of, if necessary, instead
+of attacking them by name. Thus, if a man spoke, or placed himself where
+Waffles thought he ought not to be (that is to say, anywhere but where
+Waffles was himself), he would exclaim, 'Pray, sir, hold your tongue!--you,
+sir!--no, sir, not you--the man that speaks as if he had a brush in his
+throat!'--or, '_Do_ come away, sir!--you, sir!--the man in the
+mushroom-looking hat!'--or, 'that gentleman in the parsimonious boots!'
+looking at some one with very narrow tops.
+
+[Illustration: MR. WAFFLES, THE PRESENT MASTER OF THE LAVERICK WELLS
+HOUNDS]
+
+Still, he was a rattling, good-natured, harum-scarum fellow; and
+masterships of hounds, memberships of Parliament--all expensive
+unmoney-making offices,--being things that most men are anxious to foist
+upon their friends, Mr. Waffles' big talk and interference in the field
+procured him the honour of the first refusal. Not that he was the man to
+refuse, for he jumped at the offer, and, as he would be of age before the
+season came round, and would have got all his money out of Chancery, he
+disdained to talk about a subscription, and boldly took the hounds as his
+own. He then became a very important personage at Laverick Wells.
+
+He had always been a most important personage among the ladies, but as the
+men couldn't marry him, those who didn't want to borrow money of him, of
+course, ran him down. It used to be, 'Look at that dandified ass, Waffles,
+I declare the sight of him makes me sick'; or, 'What a barber's apprentice
+that fellow is, with his ringlets all smeared with Macassar.'
+
+Now it was Waffles this, Waffles that, 'Who dines with Waffles?' 'Waffles
+is the best fellow under the sun! By Jingo, I know no such man as Waffles!'
+'_Most deserving_ young man!'
+
+In arriving at this conclusion, their judgement was greatly assisted by the
+magnificent way he went to work. Old Tom Towler, the whip, who had toiled
+at his calling for twenty long years on fifty pounds and what he could
+'pick up,' was advanced to a hundred and fifty, with a couple of men under
+him. Instead of riding worn-out, tumble-down, twenty-pound screws, he was
+mounted on hundred-guinea horses, for which the dealers were to have a
+couple of hundred, _when they were paid_. Everything was in the same
+proportion.
+
+Mr. Waffles' succession to the hunt made a great commotion among the
+fair--many elegant and interesting young ladies, who had been going on the
+pious tack against the Reverend Solomon Winkeyes, the popular bachelor
+preacher of St. Margaret's, teaching in his schools, distributing his
+tracts, and collecting the penny subscriptions for his clothing club, now
+took to riding in fan-tailed habits and feathered hats, and talking about
+leaping and hunting, and riding over rails. Mr. Waffles had a pound of
+hat-strings sent him in a week, and muffatees innumerable. Some, we are
+sorry to say, worked him cigar-cases. He, in return, having expended a vast
+of toil and ingenuity in inventing a 'button,' now had several dozen of
+them worked up into brooches, which he scattered about with a liberal hand.
+It was not one of your matter-of-fact story-telling buttons--a fox with
+'TALLY-HO,' or a fox's head grinning in grim death--making a red
+coat look like a miniature butcher's shamble, but it was one of your
+queer-twisting lettered concerns, that may pass either for a military
+button or a naval button, or a club button, or even for a livery button.
+The letters, two W's, were so skilfully entwined, that even a
+compositor--and compositors are people who can read almost anything--would
+have been puzzled to decipher it. The letters were gilt, riveted on steel,
+and the wearers of the button-brooches were very soon dubbed by the
+non-recipients, 'Mr. Waffles' sheep.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A fine button naturally requires a fine coat to put it on, and many were
+the consultations and propositions as to what it should be. Mr. Slocdolager
+had done nothing in the decorative department, and many thought the failure
+of funds was a good deal attributable to that fact. Mr. Waffles was not the
+man to lose an opportunity of adding another costume to his wardrobe, and
+after an infinity of trouble, and trials of almost all the colours of the
+rainbow, he at length settled the following uniform, which, at least, had
+the charm of novelty to recommend it. The morning, or hunt-coat, was to be
+scarlet, with a cream-coloured collar and cuffs; and the evening, or dress
+coat, was to be cream-colour, with a scarlet collar and cuffs, and scarlet
+silk facings and linings, looking as if the wearer had turned the morning
+one inside out. Waistcoats, and other articles of dress, were left to the
+choice of the wearer, experience having proved that they are articles it is
+impossible to legislate upon with any effect.
+
+The old ladies, bless their disinterested hearts, alone looked on the hound
+freak with other than feelings of approbation.
+
+They thought it a pity he should take them. They wished he mightn't injure
+himself--hounds were expensive things--led to habits of
+irregularity--should be sorry to see such a nice young man as Mr. Waffles
+led astray--not that it would make any difference to them, _but_--(looking
+significantly at their daughters). No fox had been hunted by more hounds
+than Waffles had been by the ladies; but though he had chatted and prattled
+with fifty fair maids--any one of whom he might have found difficult to
+resist, if 'pinned' single-handed by, in a country house, yet the
+multiplicity of assailants completely neutralized each other, and verified
+the truth of the adage that there is 'safety in a crowd.'
+
+If pretty, lisping Miss Wordsworth thought she had shot an arrow home to
+his heart over night, a fresh smile and dart from little Mary Ogleby's dark
+eyes extracted it in the morning, and made him think of her till the
+commanding figure and noble air of the Honourable Miss Letitia Amelia
+Susannah Jemimah de Jenkins, in all the elegance of first-rate millinery
+and dressmakership, drove her completely from his mind, to be in turn
+displaced by some one more bewitching. Mr. Waffles was reputed to be made
+of money, and he went at it as though he thought it utterly impossible to
+get through it. He was greatly aided in his endeavours by the fact of its
+being all in the funds--a great convenience to the spendthrift. It keeps
+him constantly in cash, and enables him to 'cut and come again,' as quick
+as ever he likes. Land is not half so accommodating; neither is money on
+mortgage. What with time spent in investigating a title, or giving notice
+to 'pay in,' an industrious man wants a second loan by the time, or perhaps
+before, he gets the first. Acres are not easy of conversion, and the mere
+fact of wanting to sell implies a deficiency somewhere. With money in the
+funds, a man has nothing to do but lodge a power of attorney with his
+broker, and write up for four or five thousand pounds, just as he would
+write to his bootmaker for four or five pairs of boots, the only difference
+being, that in all probability the money would be down before the boots.
+Then, with money in the funds, a man keeps up his credit to the far
+end--the last thousand telling no more tales than the first, and making
+just as good a show.
+
+We are almost afraid to say what Mr. Waffles' means were, but we really
+believe, at the time he came of age, that he had 100,000_l._ in the funds,
+which were nearly at 'par'--a term expressive of each hundred being worth a
+hundred, and not eighty-nine or ninety pounds as is now the case, which
+makes a considerable difference in the melting. Now a real _bona fide_
+100,000_l._ always counts as three in common parlance, which latter sum
+would yield a larger income than gilds the horizon of the most mercenary
+mother's mind, say ten thousand a-year, which we believe is generally
+allowed to be 'v--a--a--ry handsome.'
+
+No wonder, then, that Mr. Waffles was such a hero. Another great
+recommendation about him was, that he had not had time to be much plucked.
+Many of the young men of fortune that appear upon town have lost half their
+feathers on the race-course or the gaming-table before the ladies get a
+chance at them; but here was a nice, fresh-coloured youth, with all his
+downy verdure full upon him. It takes a vast of clothes, even at Oxford
+prices, to come to a thousand pounds, and if we allow four or five thousand
+for his other extravagances, he could not have done much harm to a hundred
+thousand.
+
+Our friend, soon finding that he was 'cock of the walk,' had no notion of
+exchanging his greatness for the nothingness of London, and, save going up
+occasionally to see about opening the flood-gates of his fortune, he spent
+nearly the whole summer at Laverick Wells. A fine season it was, too--the
+finest season the Wells had ever known. When at length the long London
+season closed, there was a rush of rank and fashion to the English
+watering-places, quite unparalleled in the 'recollection of the oldest
+inhabitants.' There were blooming widows in every stage of grief and woe,
+from the becoming cap to the fashionable corset and ball flounce--widows
+who would never forget the dear deceased, or think of any other
+man--_unless he had at least five thousand a year_. Lovely girls, who
+didn't care a farthing if the man was 'only handsome'; and smiling mammas
+'egging them on,' who would look very different when they came to the
+horrid L s. d. And this mercantile expression leads us to the observation
+that we know nothing so dissimilar as a trading town and a watering-place.
+In the one, all is bustle, hurry, and activity; in the other, people don't
+seem to know what to do to get through the day. The city and west-end
+present somewhat of the contrast, but not to the extent of manufacturing or
+sea-port towns and watering-places. Bathing-places are a shade better than
+watering-places in the way of occupation, for people can sit staring at the
+sea, counting the ships, or polishing their nails with a shell, whereas at
+watering-places, they have generally little to do but stare at and talk of
+each other, and mark the progress of the day, by alternately drinking at
+the wells, eating at the hotels, and wandering between the library and the
+railway station. The ladies get on better, for where there are ladies there
+are always fine shops, and what between turning over the goods, and
+sweeping the streets with their trains, making calls, and arranging
+partners for balls, they get through their time very pleasantly; but what
+is 'life' to them is often death to the men.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The flattering accounts Mr. Sponge read in the papers of the distinguished
+company assembled at Laverick Wells, together with details of the princely
+magnificence of the wealthy commoner, Mr. Waffles, who appeared to
+entertain all the world at dinner after each day's hunting made Mr. Sponge
+think it would be a very likely place to suit him. Accordingly, thither he
+despatched Mr. Leather with the redoubtable horses by the road, intending
+to follow in as many hours by the rail as it took them days to trudge on
+foot.
+
+Railways have helped hunting as well as other things, and enables a man to
+glide down into the grass 'sheers,' as Mr. Buckram calls them, with as
+little trouble, and in as short a time almost, as it took him to accomplish
+a meet at Croydon, or at the Magpies at Staines. But to our groom and
+horses.
+
+Mr. Sponge was too good a judge to disfigure the horses with the miserable,
+pulpy, weather-bleached job-saddles and bridles of 'livery,' but had them
+properly turned out with well-made, slightly-worn London ones of his own,
+and nice, warm brown woollen rugs, below broadly bound,
+blue-and-white-striped sheeting, with richly braided lettering, and blue
+and white cordings. A good saddle and bridle makes a difference of ten
+pounds in the looks of almost any horse. There is no need because a man
+rides a hack horse to proclaim it to all the world; a fact that few hack
+horse letters seem to be aware of. Perhaps, indeed, they think to advertise
+them by means of their inferior appointments.
+
+Leather, too, did his best to keep up appearances, and turned out in a very
+stud-groomish-looking, basket-button'd, brown cutaway, with a clean striped
+vest, ample white cravat, drab breeches and boots, that looked as though
+they had brushed through a few bullfinches; and so they had, but not with
+Leather's legs in them, for he had bought them second-hand of a pad groom
+in distress. His hands were encased in cat's-skin sable gloves, showing
+that he was a gentleman who liked to be comfortable. Thus accoutred, he
+rode down Broad Street at Laverick Wells, looking like a fine, faithful old
+family servant, with a slight scorbutic affection of the nose. He had
+everything correctly arranged in true sporting marching order. The
+collar-shanks were neatly coiled under the headstalls, the clothing tightly
+rolled and balanced above the little saddle-bags on the led horse, 'Multum
+in Parvo's' back, with the story-telling whip sticking through the roller.
+
+Leather arrived at Laverick Wells just as the first shades of a November
+night were drawing on, and anxious mammas and careful _chaperons_ were
+separating their fair charges from their respective admirers and the
+dreaded night air, leaving the streets to the gaslight men and youths 'who
+love the moon.' The girls having been withdrawn, licentious youths linked
+arms, and bore down the broad _pave_, quizzing this person, laughing at
+that, and staring the pin-stickers and straw-chippers out of countenance.
+
+'Here's an arrival!' exclaimed one. 'Dash my buttons, who have we here?'
+asked another, as Leather hove in sight. 'That's not a bad looking horse,'
+observed a third. 'Bid him five pounds for it for me,' rejoined a fourth.
+
+'I say, old Bardolph! who do them 'ere quadrupeds belong to?' asked one,
+taking a scented cigar out of his mouth.
+
+Leather, though as impudent a dog as any of them, and far more than a match
+for the best of them at a tournament of slang, being on his preferment,
+thought it best to be civil, and replied, with a touch of his hat, that
+they were 'Mr. Sponge's.'
+
+'Ah! old sponge biscuits!--I know him!' exclaimed a youth in a Tweed
+wrapper. 'My father married his aunt. Give my love to him, and tell him to
+breakfast with me at six in the morning--he! he! he!'
+
+'I say, old boy, that copper-coloured quadruped hasn't got all his shoes on
+before,' squeaked a childish voice, now raised for the first time.
+
+'That's intended, gov'nor,' growled Leather, riding on, indignant at the
+idea of any one attempting to 'sell him' with such an old stable joke. So
+Leather passed on through the now splendidly lit up streets, the large
+plate-glass windowed shops, radiant with gas, exhibiting rich,
+many-coloured velvets, silver gauzes, ribbons without end, fancy flowers,
+elegant shawls labelled 'Very chaste,' 'Patronized by Royalty,' 'Quite the
+go!' and white kid-gloves in such profusion that there seemed to be a pair
+for every person in the place.
+
+Mr. Leather established himself at the 'Eclipse Livery and Bait Stables,'
+in Pegasus Street, or Peg Street, as it is generally called, where he
+enacted the character of stud-groom to perfection, doing nothing himself,
+but seeing that others did his work, and strutting consequentially with the
+corn-sieves at feeding time.
+
+After Leather's long London experience, it is natural to suppose that he
+would not be long in falling in with some old acquaintance at a place like
+the 'Wells,' and the first night fortunately brought him in contact with a
+couple of grooms who had had the honour of his acquaintance when in all the
+radiance of his glass-blown wigged prosperity as body-coachman to the Duke
+of Dazzleton, and who knew nothing of the treadmill, or his subsequent
+career. This introduction served with his own easy assurance, and the
+deference country servants always pay to London ones, at once to give him
+standing, and it is creditable to the etiquette of servitude to say, that
+on joining the 'Mutton Chop and Mealy Potato Club,' at the Cat and
+Bagpipes, on the second night after his arrival, the whole club rose to
+receive him on entering, and placed him in the post of honour, on the right
+of the president.
+
+He was very soon quite at home with the whole of them, and ready to tell
+anything he knew of the great families in which he had lived. Of course, he
+abused the duke's place, and said he had been obliged to give him 'hup' at
+last, 'bein' quite an unpossible man to live with; indeed, his only wonder
+was, that he had been able to put hup with him so long.' The duchess was a
+'good cretur,' he said, and, indeed, it was mainly on her account that he
+stayed, but as to the duke, he was--everything that was bad, in short.
+
+Mr. Sponge, on the other hand, had no reason to complain of the colours in
+which his stud-groom painted him. Instead of being the shirtless strapper
+of a couple of vicious hack hunters Leather made himself out to be the
+general superintendent of the opulent owner of a large stud. The exact
+number varied with the number of glasses of grog Leather had taken, but he
+never had less than a dozen, and sometimes as many as twenty hunters under
+his care. These, he said, were planted all over the kingdom; some at
+Melton, to ''unt with the Quorn'; some at Northampton, to ''unt with the
+Pytchley'; some at Lincoln, to ''unt with Lord 'Enry'; and some at Louth,
+to ''unt with'--he didn't know who. What a fine flattering, well-spoken
+world this is, when the speaker can raise his own consequence by our
+elevation! One would think that 'envy, hatred, malice, and all
+uncharitableness' had gone to California. A weak-minded man might have his
+head turned by hearing the description given of him by his friends. But
+hear the same party on the running-down tack!--when either his own
+importance is not involved, or dire offence makes it worth his while 'to
+cut off his nose to spite his face.' No one would recognize the portrait
+then drawn as one of the same individual.
+
+Mr. Leather, as we said before, was in the laudatory strain, but, like many
+indiscreet people, he overdid it. Not content with magnifying the stud to
+the liberal extent already described, he must needs puff his master's
+riding, and indulge in insinuations about 'showing them all the way,' and
+so on. Now nothing 'aggrawates' other grooms so much as this sort of
+threat, and few things travel quicker than these sort of vapourings to
+their masters' ears. Indeed, we can only excuse the lengths to which
+Leather went, on the ground of his previous coaching career not having
+afforded him a due insight into the delicacies of the hunting stable; it
+being remembered that he was only now acting as stud-groom for the first
+time. However, be that as it may, he brewed up a pretty storm, and the
+longer it raged the stronger it became.
+
+''Ord dash it!' exclaimed young Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider,
+bursting into Scorer's billiard-room in the midst of a full gathering, who
+were looking on at a grand game of poule, 'Ord dash it! there's a fellow
+coming who swears by Jove that he'll take the shine out of us all, "cut us
+all down!"'
+
+'I'll play him for what he likes!' exclaimed the cool, coatless Captain
+Macer, striking his ball away for a cannon.
+
+'Hang your play!' replied Spareneck; 'you're always thinking of play--it's
+hunting I'm talking of.' bringing his heavy, silver-mounted jockey-whip a
+crack down his leg.
+
+'You don't say so!' exclaimed Sam Shortcut, who had been flattered into
+riding rather harder than he liked, and feared his pluck might be put to
+the test.
+
+'What a ruffian!'--(puff)--observed Mr. Waffles, taking his cigar from his
+mouth as he sat on the bench, dressed as a racket-player, looking on at the
+game, 'he shalln't ride roughshod over us.'
+
+'That he shalln't!' exclaimed Caingey Thornton, Mr. Waffles's premier
+toady, and constant trencherman.
+
+'I'll ride him!' rejoined Mr. Spareneck, jockeying his arms, and
+flourishing his whip as if he was at work, adding: 'his old brandy-nosed,
+frosty-whiskered trumpeter of a groom says he's coming down by the five
+o'clock train. I vote we go and meet him--invite him to a steeple-chase by
+moonlight.'
+
+'I vote we go and see him, at all events,' observed Frank Hoppey, laying
+down his cue and putting on his coat, adding, 'I should like to see a man
+bold enough to beard a whole hunt--especially such a hunt as _ours_.'
+
+'Finish the game first,' observed Captain Macer, who had rather the best of
+it.
+
+'No, leave the balls as they are till we come back,' rejoined Ned Stringer;
+'we shall be late. See, it's only ten _to_, now,' continued he, pointing to
+the timepiece above the fire; whereupon there was a putting away of cues,
+hurrying on of coats, seeking of hats, sorting of sticks, and a general
+desertion of the room for the railway station.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+OUR HERO ARRIVES AT LAVERICK WELLS
+
+
+Punctual to the moment, the railway train, conveying the redoubtable
+genius, glid into the well-lighted, elegant little station of Laverick
+Wells, and out of a first-class carriage emerged Mr. Sponge, in a 'down the
+road' coat, carrying a horse-sheet wrapper in his hand. So small and
+insignificant did the station seem after the gigantic ones of London, that
+Mr. Sponge thought he had wasted his money in taking a first-class ticket,
+seeing there was no one to know. Mr. Leather, who was in attendance, having
+received him hat in hand, with all the deference due to the master of
+twenty hunters, soon undeceived him on that point. Having eased him of his
+wrapper, and inquired about his luggage, and despatched a porter for a fly,
+they stood together over the portmanteau and hat-box till it arrived.
+
+'How are the horses?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Oh, the osses be nicely, sir,' replied Leather; 'they travelled down
+uncommon well, and I've had 'em both removed sin they com'd, so either on
+'em is fit to go i' the mornin' that you think proper.'
+
+'Where are the hounds?' asked our hero.
+
+''Ounds be at Whirleypool Windmill,' replied Leather, 'that's about five
+miles off.'
+
+'What sort of country is it?' inquired Sponge.
+
+'It be a stiffish country from all accounts, with a good deal o' water
+jumpin'; that is to say, the Liffey runs twistin' and twinin' about it like
+a H'Eel.'
+
+'Then I'd better ride the brown, I think,' observed Sponge, after a pause:
+'he has size and stride enough to cover anything, if he will but face
+water.'
+
+'I'll warrant him for that,' replied Leather; 'only let the Latchfords well
+into him, and he'll go.'
+
+'Are there many hunting-men down?' inquired our friend casually.
+
+'Great many,' replied Leather, 'great many; some good 'ands among 'em too;
+at least to say their grums, though I never believe all these jockeys say.
+There be some on 'em 'ere now,' observed Leather, in an undertone, with a
+wink of his roguish eye, and jerk of his head towards where a knot of them
+stood eyeing our friend most intently.
+
+'Which?' inquired Sponge, looking about the thinly peopled station.
+
+'There,' replied Leather, 'those by the book-stall. That be Mr. Waffles,'
+continued he, giving his master a touch in the ribs as he jerked his
+portmanteau into a fly, 'that be Mr. Waffles,' repeated he, with a knowing
+leer.
+
+'Which?' inquired Mr. Sponge eagerly.
+
+'The gent in the green wide-awake 'at, and big-button'd overcoat,' replied
+Leather, 'jest now a speakin' to the youth in the tweed and all tweed; that
+be Master Caingey Thornton, as big a little blackguard as any in the
+place--lives upon Waffles, and yet never has a good word to say for him,
+no, nor for no one else--and yet to 'ear the little devil a-talkin' to him,
+you'd really fancy he believed there wasn't not never sich another man i'
+the world as Waffles--not another sich rider--not another sich
+racket-player--not another sich pigeon-shooter--not another sich fine chap
+altogether.'
+
+'Has Thornton any horses?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Not he,' replied Leather, 'not he, nor the gen'lman next him nouther--he,
+in the pilot coat, with the whip sticking out of the pocket, nor the one in
+the coffee-coloured 'at, nor none on 'em in fact'; adding, 'they all live
+on Squire Waffles--breakfast with him--dine with him--drink with him--smoke
+with him--and if any on 'em 'appen to 'ave an 'orse, why they sell to him,
+and so ride for nothin' themselves.'
+
+'A convenient sort of gentleman,' observed Mr. Sponge, thinking he, too,
+might accommodate him.
+
+The fly-man now touched his hat, indicative of a wish to be off, having a
+fare waiting elsewhere. Mr. Sponge directed him to proceed to the Brunswick
+Hotel, while, accompanied by Leather, he proceeded on foot to the stables.
+
+Mr. Leather, of course, had the valuable stud under lock and key, with
+every crevice and air-hole well stuffed with straw, as if they had been the
+most valuable horses in the world. Having produced the ring-key from his
+pocket, Mr. Leather opened the door, and having got his master in, speedily
+closed it, lest a breath of fresh air might intrude. Having lighted a
+lucifer, he turned on the gas, and exhibited the blooming-coated horses,
+well littered in straw, showing that he was not the man to pay
+four-and-twenty shillings a week for nothing. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing them
+for some seconds with evident approbation.
+
+'If any one asks you about the horses, you can say they are _mine_, you
+know,' at length observed he casually, with an emphasis on the mine.
+
+'In course,' replied Leather.
+
+'I mean, you needn't say anything about their being _jobs_,' observed
+Sponge, fearing Leather mightn't exactly 'take.'
+
+'You trust me,' replied Leather, with a knowing wink and a jerk of his
+elbow against his master's side; 'you trust me,' repeated he, with a look
+as much as to say, 'we understand each other.'
+
+'I've hadded a few to them, indeed,' continued Leather, looking to see how
+his master took it.
+
+'Have you?' observed Mr. Sponge inquiringly.
+
+'I've made out that you've as good as twenty, one way or another,' observed
+Leather; 'some 'ere, some there, all over in fact, and that you jest run
+about the country, and 'unt with 'oever comes h'uppermost.'
+
+'Well, and what's the upshot of it all?' inquired Mr. Sponge, thinking his
+groom seemed wonderfully enthusiastic in his interest.
+
+'Why, the hupshot of it is,' replied Leather, 'that the men are all mad,
+and the women all wild to see you. I hear at my club, the Mutton Chop and
+Mealy Potato Club, which is frequented by flunkies as well as grums, that
+there's nothin' talked of at dinner or tea, but the terrible rich stranger
+that's a comin', and the gals are all pulling caps, who's to have the first
+chance.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, chuckling at the sensation he was creating.
+
+'The Miss Shapsets, there be five on 'em, have had a game at fly loo for
+you,' continued Leather, 'at least so their little maid tells me.'
+
+'Fly _what_?' inquired Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Fly loo,' repeated Leather, 'fly loo.'
+
+Mr. Sponge shook his head. For once he was not 'fly.'
+
+'You see,' continued Leather, in explanation, 'their father is one of them
+tight-laced candlestick priests wot abhors all sorts of wice and
+himmorality, and won't stand card playin', or gamblin', or nothin' o' that
+sort, so the young ladies when they want to settle a point, who's to be
+married first, or who's to have the richest 'usband, play fly loo. 'Sposing
+it's at breakfast time, they all sit quiet and sober like round the table,
+lookin' as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, and each has a lump o'
+sugar on her plate, or by her cup, or somewhere, and whoever can 'tice a
+fly to come to her sugar first, wins the wager, or whatever it is they play
+for.'
+
+'Five on 'em,' as Leather said, being a hopeless number to extract any good
+from, Mr. Sponge changed the subject by giving orders for the morrow.
+
+Mr. Sponge's appearance being decidedly of the sporting order, and his
+horses maintaining the character, did not alleviate the agitated minds of
+the sporting beholders, ruffled as they were with the threatening,
+vapouring insinuations of the coachman-groom, Peter Leather. There is
+nothing sets men's backs up so readily, as a hint that any one is coming to
+take the 'shine' out of them across country. We have known the most deadly
+feuds engendered between parties who never spoke to each other by adroit
+go-betweens reporting to each what the other said, or, perhaps, did not
+say, but what the 'go-betweens' knew would so rouse the British lion as to
+make each ride to destruction if necessary.
+
+'He's a varmint-looking chap,' observed Mr. Waffles, as the party returned
+from the railway station; 'shouldn't wonder if he can go--dare say he'll
+try--shouldn't wonder if he's floored--awfully stiff country this for
+horses that are not used to it--most likely his are Leicestershire nags,
+used to fly--won't do here. If he attempts to take some of our big banked
+bullfinches in his stride, with a yawner on each side, will get into
+grief.'
+
+'Hang him,' interrupted Caingey Thornton, 'there are good men in all
+countries.'
+
+'So there are!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, the steeple-chase rider.
+
+'I've no notion of a fellow lording it, because he happens to come out of
+Leicestershire,' rejoined Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Nor I!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck.
+
+'Why doesn't he stay in Leicestershire?' asked Mr. Hoppey, now raising his
+voice for the first time--adding, 'Who asked him here?'
+
+'Who, indeed?' sneered Mr. Thornton.
+
+In this mood our friends arrived at the Imperial Hotel, where there was
+always a dinner the day before hunting--a dinner that, somehow, was served
+up in Mr. Waffles's rooms, who was allowed the privilege of paying for all
+those who did not pay for themselves; rather a considerable number, we
+believe.
+
+The best of everything being good enough for the guests, and profuse
+liberality the order of the day, the cloth generally disappeared before a
+contented audience, whatever humour they might have set down in. As the
+least people can do who dine at an inn and don't pay their own shot, is to
+drink the health of the man who does pay, Mr. Waffles was always lauded and
+applauded to the skies--such a master--such a sportsman--such
+knowledge--such science--such a pattern-card. On this occasion the toast
+was received with extra enthusiasm, for the proposer, Mr. Caingey Thornton,
+who was desperately in want of a mount, after going the rounds of the old
+laudatory course, alluded to the threatened vapourings of the stranger, and
+expressed his firm belief that he would 'meet with his match,' a 'taking of
+the bull by the horns,' that met with very considerable favour from the
+wine-flushed party, the majority of whom, at that moment, made very
+'small,' in their own minds, of the biggest fence that ever was seen.
+
+There is nothing so easy as going best pace over the mahogany.
+
+Mr. Waffles, who was received with considerable applause, and patting of
+the table, responded to the toast in his usual felicitous style, assuring
+the company that he lived but for the enjoyment of their charming society,
+and that all the money in the world would be useless, if he hadn't Laverick
+Wells to spend it in. With regard to the vapourings of a 'certain
+gentleman,' he thought it would be very odd if some of them could not take
+the shine out of him, observing that 'Brag' was a good dog, but 'Holdfast'
+was a better, with certain other sporting similes and phrases, all
+indicative of showing fight. The steam is soon got up after dinner, and as
+they were all of the same mind, and all agreed that a gross insult had
+been offered to the hunt in general, and themselves in particular, the only
+question was, how to revenge it. At last they hit upon it. Old Slocdolager,
+the late master of the hunt, had been in the habit of having Tom Towler,
+the huntsman, to his lodgings the night before hunting, where, over a glass
+of gin-and-water, they discussed the doings of the day, and the general
+arrangements of the country.
+
+Mr. Waffles had had him in sometimes, though for a different purpose--at
+least, in reality for a different purpose, though he always made hunting
+the excuse for sending for him, and that purpose was, to try how many
+silver foxes' heads full of port wine Tom could carry off without tumbling,
+and the old fellow being rather liquorishly inclined, had never made any
+objection to the experiment. Mr. Waffles now wanted him, to endeavour,
+under the mellowing influence of drink, to get him to enter cordially into
+what he knew would be distasteful to the old sportsman's feelings, namely,
+to substitute a 'drag' for the legitimate find and chase of the fox.
+Fox-hunting, though exciting and exhilarating at all times, except,
+perhaps, when the 'fallows are flying,' and the sportsman feels that in all
+probability, the further he goes the further he is left
+behind--Fox-hunting, we say, though exciting and exhilarating, does not,
+when the real truth is spoken, present such conveniences for neck-breaking,
+as people, who take their ideas from Mr. Ackermann's print-shop window,
+imagine. That there are large places in most fences is perfectly true; but
+that there are also weak ones is also the fact, and a practised eye catches
+up the latter uncommonly quick. Therefore, though a madman may ride at the
+big places, a sane man is not expected to follow; and even should any one
+be tempted so to do, the madman having acted pioneer, will have cleared the
+way, or at all events proved its practicability for the follower.
+
+In addition to this, however, hounds having to smell as they go, cannot
+travel at the ultra steeple-chase pace, so opposed to 'looking before you
+leap,' and so conducive to danger and difficulty, and as going even at a
+fair pace depends upon the state of the atmosphere, and the scent the fox
+leaves behind, it is evident that where mere daring hard riding is the
+object, a fox-hunt cannot be depended upon for furnishing the necessary
+accommodation. A drag-hunt is quite a different thing. The drag can be made
+to any strength; enabling hounds to run as if they were tied to it, and can
+be trailed so as to bring in all the dangerous places in the country with a
+certain air of plausibility, enabling a man to look round and exclaim, as
+he crams at a bullfinch or brook, 'he's leading us over a most desperate
+country--never saw such fencing in all my life!' Drag-hunting, however, as
+we said before, is not popular with sportsmen, certainly not with huntsmen,
+and though our friends with their wounded feelings determined to have one,
+they had yet to smooth over old Tom to get him to come into their views.
+That was now the difficulty.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+OLD TOM TOWLER
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There are few more difficult persons to identify than a huntsman in
+undress, and of all queer ones perhaps old Tom Towler was the queerest. Tom
+in his person furnished an apt illustration of the right appropriation of
+talent and the fitness of things, for he would neither have made a groom,
+nor a coachman, nor a postillion, nor a footman, nor a ploughman, nor a
+mechanic, nor anything we know of, and yet he was first-rate as a huntsman.
+He was too weak for a groom, too small for a coachman, too ugly for a
+postillion, too stunted for a footman, too light for a ploughman, too
+useless-looking for almost anything.
+
+Any one looking at him in 'mufti' would exclaim, 'what an unfortunate
+object!' and perhaps offer him a penny, while in his hunting habiliments
+lords would hail him with, 'Well, Tom, how are you?' and baronets ask him
+'how he was?' Commoners felt honoured by his countenance, and yet, but for
+hunting, Tom would have been wasted--a cypher--an inapplicable sort of man.
+Old Tom, in his scarlet coat, black cap, and boots, and Tom in his
+undress--say, shirt-sleves, shorts, grey stockings and shoes, bore about
+the same resemblance to each other that a three months dead jay nailed to a
+keeper's lodge bears to the bright-plumaged bird when flying about. On
+horseback, Tom was a cockey, wiry-looking, keen-eyed, grim-visaged,
+hard-bitten little fellow, sitting as though he and his horse were all one,
+while on foot he was the most shambling, scambling, crooked-going crab that
+ever was seen. He was a complete mash of a man. He had been scalped by the
+branch of a tree, his nose knocked into a thing like a button by the kick
+of a horse, his teeth sent down his throat by a fall, his collar-bone
+fractured, his left leg broken and his right arm ditto, to say nothing of
+damage to his ribs, fingers, and feet, and having had his face scarified
+like pork by repeated brushings through strong thorn fences.
+
+But we will describe him as he appeared before Mr. Waffles, and the
+gentlemen of the Laverick Wells Hunt, on the night of Mr. Sponge's arrival.
+Tom's spirit being roused at hearing the boastings of Mr. Leather, and
+thinking, perhaps, his master might have something to say, or thinking,
+perhaps, to partake of the eleemosynary drink generally going on in large
+houses of public entertainment, had taken up his quarters in the bar of the
+'Imperial,' where he was attentively perusing the 'meets' in _Bell's Life_,
+reading how the Atherstone met at Gopsall, the Bedale at Hornby, the
+Cottesmore at Tilton Wood, and so on, with an industry worthy of a better
+cause; for Tom neither knew country, nor places, nor masters, nor hounds,
+nor huntsmen, nor anything, though he still felt an interest in reading
+where they were going to hunt. Thus he sat with a quick ear, one of the
+few undamaged organs of his body, cocked to hear if Tom Towler was asked
+for; when a waiter dropping his name from the landing of the staircase to
+the hall porter, asking if anybody had seen anything of him, Tom folded up
+his paper, put it in his pocket, and passing his hand over the few
+straggling bristles yet sticking about his bald head, proceeded, hat in
+hand, upstairs to his master's room.
+
+His appearance called forth a round of view halloos! Who-hoops! Tally-ho's!
+Hark forwards! amidst which, and the waving of napkins, and general noises,
+Tom proceeded at a twisting, limping, halting, sideways sort of scramble up
+the room. His crooked legs didn't seem to have an exact understanding with
+his body which way they were to go; one, the right one, being evidently
+inclined to lurch off to the side, while the left one went stamp, stamp,
+stamp, as if equally determined to resist any deviation.
+
+At length he reached the top of the table, where sat his master, with the
+glittering Fox's head before him. Having made a sort of scratch bow, Tom
+proceeded to stand at ease, as it were, on the left leg, while he placed
+the late recusant right, which was a trifle shorter, as a prop behind. No
+one, to look at the little wizen'd old man in the loose dark frock, baggy
+striped waistcoat, and patent cord breeches, extending below where the
+calves of his bow legs ought to have been, would have supposed that it was
+the noted huntsman and dashing rider, Tom Towler, whose name was celebrated
+throughout the country. He might have been a village tailor, or sexton, or
+barber; anything but a hero.
+
+'Well, Tom,' said Mr. Waffles, taking up the Fox's head, as Tom came to
+anchor by his side, 'how are you?'
+
+'Nicely, thank you, sir,' replied Tom, giving the bald head another sweep.
+
+Mr. Waffles.--'What'll you drink?'
+
+Tom.--'Port, if you please, sir.'
+
+'There it is for you, then,' said Mr. Waffles, brimming the Fox's head,
+which held about the third of a bottle (an inn bottle at least), and
+handing it to him.
+
+'Gentlemen all,' said Tom, passing his sleeve across his mouth, and
+casting a side-long glance at the company as he raised the cup to drink
+their healths.
+
+He quaffed it off at a draught.
+
+'Well, Tom, and what shall we do to-morrow?' asked Mr. Waffles, as Tom
+replaced the Fox's head, nose uppermost, on the table.
+
+[Illustration: OLD TOM TOWLER]
+
+'Why, we must draw Ribston Wood fust, I s'pose,' replied Tom, 'and then on
+to Bradwell Grove, unless you thought well of tryin' Chesterton Common on
+the road, or--'
+
+'Aye, aye,' interrupted Waffles, 'I know all that; but what I want to know
+is, whether we can make sure of a run. We want to give this great
+metropolitan swell a benefit. You know who I mean?'
+
+'The gen'leman as is com'd to the Brunswick, I 'spose,' replied Tom; 'at
+least as _is_ comin', for I've not heard that he's com'd yet.'
+
+'Oh, but he _has_,' replied Mr. Waffles, 'and I make no doubt will be out
+to-morrow.'
+
+'S--o--o,' observed Tom, in a long drawled note.
+
+'Well, now! do you think you can engage to give us a run?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, seeing his huntsman did not seem inclined to help him to his
+point.
+
+'I'll do my best,' replied Tom, cautiously running the many contingencies
+through his mind.
+
+'Take another drop of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again raising the Fox's
+head. 'What'll you have?'
+
+'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.
+
+'There,' said Mr. Waffles, handing him another bumper; 'drink Fox-hunting.'
+
+'Fox-huntin',' said old Tom, quaffing off the measure, as before. A flush
+of life came into his weather-beaten face, just as a glow of heat enlivens
+a blacksmith's hearth, after a touch of the bellows.
+
+'You must never let this bumptious cock beat us,' observed Mr. Waffles.
+
+'No--o--o,' replied Tom, adding, 'there's no fear of that.'
+
+'But he swears he _will_!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton. 'He swears there
+isn't a man shall come within a field of him.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Tom, with a twinkle of his little bright eyes.
+
+'I tell you what, Tom,' observed Mr. Waffles, 'we must sarve him out,
+somehow.'
+
+'Oh! he'll sarve hissel' out, in all probability,' replied Tom; carelessly
+adding, 'these boastin' chaps always do.'
+
+'Couldn't we contrive something,' asked Mr. Waffles, 'to draw him out?'
+
+Tom was silent. He was a hunting huntsman, not a riding one.
+
+'Have a glass of something,' said Mr. Waffles, again appealing to the Fox's
+head.
+
+'Thank you, sir, I've had a glass,' replied Tom, sinking the second one.
+
+'What will you have?' asked Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Port, if you please,' replied Tom.
+
+'Here it is,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, again handing him the measure.
+
+Up went the cup, over went the contents; but Tom set it down with a less
+satisfied face than before. He had had enough. The left leg prop, too, gave
+way, and he was nearly toppling on the table.
+
+Having got a chair for the dilapidated old man, they again essayed to get
+him into their line, with better success than before. Having plied him well
+with port, they now plied him well with the stranger, and what with the one
+and the other, and a glass or two of brandy-and-water, Tom became very
+tractable, and it was ultimately arranged that they should have a drag over
+the very stiffest parts of the country, wherein all who liked should take
+part, but that Mr. Caingey Thornton and Mr. Spareneck should be especially
+deputed to wait upon Mr. Sponge, and lead him into mischief. Of course it
+was to be a 'profound secret,' and equally, of course, it stood a good
+chance of being kept, seeing how many were in it, the additional number it
+would have to be communicated to before it could be carried out, and the
+happy state old Tom was in for arranging matters. Nevertheless, our friends
+at the 'Imperial' congratulated themselves on their success; and after a
+few minutes spent in discussing old Tom on his withdrawal, the party broke
+up, to array themselves in the splendid dress uniform of the 'Hunt,' to
+meet again at Miss Jumpheavy's ball.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE MEET--THE FIND, AND THE FINISH
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Early to bed and early to rise being among Mr. Sponge's maxims, he was
+enjoying the view of the pantiles at the back of his hotel shortly after
+daylight the next morning, a time about as difficult to fix in a November
+day as the age of a lady of a 'certain age.' It takes even an expeditious
+dresser ten minutes or a quarter of an hour extra the first time he has to
+deal with boots and breeches; and Mr. Sponge being quite a pattern card in
+his peculiar line, of course took a good deal more to get himself 'up'.
+
+An accustomed eye could see a more than ordinary stir in the streets that
+morning. Riding-masters and their assistants might be seen going along with
+strings of saddled and side-saddled screws; flys began to roll at an
+earlier hour, and natty tigers to kick about in buckskins prior to
+departing with hunters, good, bad, and indifferent.
+
+Each man had told his partner at Miss Jumpheavy's ball of the capital trick
+they were going to play the stranger; and a desire to see the stranger, far
+more than a desire to see the trick, caused many fair ones to forsake their
+downy couches who had much better have kept them.
+
+The world is generally very complaisant with regard to strangers, so long
+as they _are_ strangers, generally making them out to be a good deal better
+than they really are, and Mr. Sponge came in for his full share of stranger
+credit. They not only brought all the twenty horses Leather said he had
+scattered about to Laverick Wells, but made him out to have a house in
+Eaton Square, a yacht at Cowes, and a first-rate moor in Scotland, and
+some said a peerage in expectancy. No wonder that he 'drew,' as theatrical
+people say.
+
+Let us now suppose him breakfasted, and ready for a start.
+
+He was 'got up' with uncommon care in the most complete style of the severe
+order of sporting costume. It being now the commencement of the legitimate
+hunting season--the first week in November--he availed himself of the
+privileged period for turning out in everything new. Rejecting the now
+generally worn cap, he adhered to the heavy, close-napped hat, described in
+our opening chapter, whose connexion with his head, or back, if it came
+off, was secured by a small black silk cord, hooked through the band by a
+fox's tooth, and anchored to a button inside the haven of his low
+coat-collar. His neck was enveloped in the ample folds of a large white
+silk cravat, tied in a pointing diamond tie, and secured with a large
+silver horse-shoe pin, the shoe being almost large enough for the foot of a
+young donkey.
+
+His low, narrow-collared coat was of the infinitesimal order; that is to
+say, a coat, and yet as little of a coat as possible--very near a jacket,
+in fact. The seams, of course, were outside, and were it not for the
+extreme strength and evenness of the sewing and the evident intention of
+the thing, an ignorant person might have supposed that he had had his coat
+turned. A double layer of cloth extended the full length of the outside of
+the sleeves, much in the fashion of the stage-coachmen's greatcoats in
+former times; and instead of cuffs, the sleeves were carried out to the
+ends of the fingers, leaving it to the fancy of the wearer to sport a long
+cuff or a short cuff, or no cuff at all--just as the weather dictated.
+Though the coat was single-breasted, he had a hole made on the button side,
+to enable him to keep it together by means of a miniature snaffle, instead
+of a button. The snaffle passed across his chest, from whence the coatee,
+flowing easily back, displayed the broad ridge and furrow of a white cord
+waistcoat, with a low step collar, the vest reaching low down his figure,
+with large flap pockets and a nick out in front, like a coachman's.
+Instead of buttons, the waistcoat was secured with foxes' tusks and catgut
+loops, while a heavy curb chain, passing from one pocket to the other,
+raised the impression that there was a watch in one and a bunch of seals in
+the other. The waistcoat was broadly bound with white binding, and, like
+the coat, evinced great strength and powers of resistance. His breeches
+were of a still broader furrow than the waistcoat, looking as if the
+ploughman had laid two ridges into one. They came low down the leg, and
+were met by a pair of well-made, well put on, very brown topped boots, a
+colour then unknown at Laverick Wells. His spurs were bright and heavy,
+with formidable necks and rowels, whose slightest touch would make a horse
+wince, and put him on his good behaviour.
+
+Nor did the great slapping brown horse, Hercules, turn out less imposingly
+than his master. Leather, though not the man to work himself, had a very
+good idea of work, and right manfully he made the helpers at the Eclipse
+livery and bait stables strap and groom his horses. Hercules was a fine
+animal. It did not require a man to be a great judge of a horse to see
+that. Even the ladies, though perhaps they would rather have had him a
+white or a cream colour, could not but admire his nut-brown muzzle, his
+glossy coat, his silky mane, and the elegant way in which he carried his
+flowing tail. His step was delightful to look at--so free, so accurate, and
+so easy. And that reminds us that we may as well be getting Mr. Sponge
+up--a feat of no easy accomplishment. Few hack hunters are without their
+little peculiarities. Some are runaways--some kick--some bite--some go tail
+first on the road--some go tail first at their fences--some rush as if they
+were going to eat them, others baulk them altogether--and few, very few,
+give satisfaction. Those that do, generally retire from the public stud to
+the private one. But to our particular quadruped, 'Hercules.'
+
+Mr. Sponge was not without his misgivings that, regardless of being on his
+preferment, the horse might exhibit more of his peculiarity than would
+forward his master's interests, and, independently of the disagreeableness
+of being kicked off at the cover side, not being always compensated for by
+falling soft, Mr. Sponge thought, as the meet was not far off, and he did
+not sport a cover hack, it would look quite as well to ride his horse
+quietly on as go in a fly, provided always he could accomplish the
+mount--the mount--like the man walking with his head under his arm--being
+the first step to everything.
+
+Accordingly, Mr. Leather had the horse saddled and accoutred as quietly as
+possible--his warm clothing put over the saddle immediately, and everything
+kept as much in the usual course as possible, so that the noble animal's
+temper might not be ruffled by unaccustomed trouble or unusual objects.
+Leather having seen that the horse could not eject Mr. Sponge even in
+trousers, had little fear of his dislodging him in boots and breeches;
+still it was desirable to avoid all unseemly contention, and maintain the
+high character of the stud, by which means Leather felt that his own
+character and consequence would best be maintained. Accordingly, he
+refrained from calling in the aid of any of the stable assistants,
+preferring for once to do a little work himself, especially when the rider
+was up to the trick, and not 'a gent' to be cajoled into 'trying a horse.'
+Mr. Sponge, punctual to his time, appeared at the stable, and after much
+patting, whistling, so--so--ing, my man, and general ingratiation, the
+redoubtable nag was led out of the stable into a well-littered straw-yard,
+where, though he might be gored by a bull if he fell, the 'eyes of England'
+at all events would not witness the floorer. Horses, however, have
+wonderful memories and discrimination. Though so differently attired to
+what he was on the occasion of his trial, the horse seemed to recognize Mr.
+Sponge, and independently of a few snorts as he was led out, and an
+indignant stamp or two of his foot as it was let down, after Mr. Sponge was
+mounted he took things very quietly.
+
+'Now,' said Leather, in an undertone, patting the horse's arched neck,
+'I'll give you a hint; they're a goin' to run a drag to try what he's made
+on, so be on the look-out.'
+
+'How do you know?' asked Mr. Sponge, in surprise, drawing his reins as he
+spoke.
+
+'_I know_,' replied Mr. Leather with a wink.
+
+Just then the horse began to plunge, and paw, and give symptoms of
+uneasiness, and not wishing to fret or exhibit his weak points, Mr. Sponge
+gave him his head, and passing through the side-gate was presently in the
+street. He didn't exactly understand it, but having full confidence in his
+horsemanship, and believing the one he was on required nothing but riding,
+he was not afraid to take his chance.
+
+Not being the man to put his candle under a bushel, Mr. Sponge took the
+principal streets on his way out of town. We are not sure that he did not
+go rather out of his way to get them in, but that is neither here nor
+there, seeing he was a stranger who didn't know the way. What a sensation
+his appearance created as the gallant brown stepped proudly and freely up
+Coronation Street, showing his smart, clean, well-put-on head up and down
+on the unrestrained freedom of the snaffle.
+
+'Oh, d--n it, there he is!' exclaimed Mr. Spareneck, jumping up from the
+breakfast-table, and nearly sweeping the contents off by catching the cloth
+with his spur.
+
+'Where?' exclaimed half-a-dozen voices, amid a general rush to the windows.
+
+'What a fright!' exclaimed little Miss Martindale, whispering into Miss
+Beauchamp's ear: 'I'm sure anybody may have him for me,' though she felt in
+her heart that he was far from bad looking.
+
+'I wonder how long he's taken to put on that choker,' observed Mr.
+Spareneck, eyeing him intently, not without an inward qualm that he had set
+himself a more difficult task than he imagined, to 'cut him down,'
+especially when he looked at the noble animal he bestrode, and the masterly
+way he sat him.
+
+'What a pair of profligate boots,' observed Captain Whitfield, as our
+friend now passed his lodgings.
+
+'It would be the duty of a right-thinking man to ride over a fellow in such
+a pair,' observed his friend, Mr. Cox, who was breakfasting with him.
+
+'Ride over a fellow in such a pair!' exclaimed Whitfield. 'No well-bred
+horse would face such things, I should think.'
+
+'He seems to think a good deal of himself!' observed Mr. Cox, as Sponge
+cast an admiring eye down his shining boot.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Whitfield; 'perhaps he'll have the conceit
+taken out of him before night.'
+
+'Well, I hope you'll be in time, old boy!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles to
+himself, as looking down from his bedroom window, he espied Mr. Sponge
+passing up the street on his way to cover. Mr. Waffles was just out of bed,
+and had yet to dress and breakfast.
+
+One man in scarlet sets all the rest on the fidget, and without troubling
+to lay 'that or that' together, they desert their breakfasts, hurry to the
+stables, get out their horses and rattle away, lest their watches should be
+wrong or some arrangement made that they are ignorant of. The hounds too,
+were on, as was seen as well by their footmarks, as by the bob, bob,
+bobbing of sundry black caps above the hedges, on the Borrowdon road as the
+huntsman and whips proceeded at that pleasant post-boy trot, that has
+roused the wrath of so many riders against horses that they could not get
+to keep in time.
+
+Now look at old Tom, cocked jauntily on the spicey bay and see what a
+different Tom he is to what he was last night. Instead of a battered,
+limping, shabby-looking little old man, he is all alive and rises to the
+action of his horse, as though they were all one. A fringe of grey hair
+protrudes beneath his smart velvet cap, which sets off a weather-beaten but
+keen and expressive face, lit up with little piercing black eyes. See how
+chirpy and cheery he is; how his right arm keeps rising and falling with
+his whip, beating responsive to the horse's action with the butt-end
+against his thigh. His new scarlet coat imparts a healthy hue to his face,
+and good boots and breeches hide the imperfections of his bad legs. His
+hounds seem to partake of the old man's gaiety, and gather round his horse
+or frolic forward on the grassy sidings of the road, till, getting almost
+out of earshot, a single 'yooi doit!--Arrogant!'--or 'here again, Brusher!'
+brings them cheerfully back to whine and look in the old man's
+face for applause. Nor is he chary of his praise. 'G--oood
+betch!--Arrogant!--g--oood betch!' says he, leaning over his horse's
+shoulder towards her, and jerking his hand to induce her to proceed forward
+again. So the old man trots gaily on, now making of his horse, now coaxing
+a hound, now talking to a 'whip,' now touching or taking off his cap as he
+passes a sportsman, according to the estimation in which he holds him.
+
+As the hounds reach Whirleypool Windmill, there is a grand rush of
+pedestrians to meet them. First comes a velveteen-jacketed,
+leather-legginged keeper, with whom Tom (albeit suspicious of his honesty)
+thinks it prudent to shake hands; the miller and he, too, greet; and
+forthwith a black bottle with a single glass make their appearance, and
+pass current with the company. Then the earth-stopper draws nigh, and,
+resting a hand on Tom's horse's shoulder, whispers confidentially in his
+ear. The pedestrian sportsman of the country, too, has something to say;
+also a horse-breaker; while groups of awe-stricken children stand staring
+at the mighty Tom, thinking him the greatest man in the world.
+
+Railways and fox-hunting make most people punctual, and in less than five
+minutes from the halting of the hounds by the Windmill, the various roads
+leading up to it emit dark-coated grooms, who, dismounting, proceed to
+brush off the mud sparks, and rectify any little derangement the horses or
+their accoutrements may have contracted on the journey. Presently Mr.
+Sponge, and such other gentlemen as have ridden their own horses on, cast
+up, while from the eminence the road to Laverick Wells is distinctly
+traceable with scarlet coats and flys, with furs and flaunting feathers.
+Presently the foremost riders begin to canter up the hill, when
+
+      All around is gay, men, horses, dogs,
+    And in each smiling countenance appears
+    Fresh blooming health and universal joy.
+
+Then the ladies mingle with the scene, some on horseback, some in flys, all
+chatter and prattle as usual, some saying smart things, some trying, all
+making themselves as agreeable as possible, and of course as captivating.
+Some were in ecstasies at dear Miss Jumpheavy's ball--she was such a _nice_
+creature--such a charming ball, and so well managed, while others were
+anticipating the delights of Mrs. Tom Hoppey's, and some again were asking
+which was Mr. Sponge. Then up went the eye-glasses, while Mr. Sponge sat
+looking as innocent and as killing as he could. 'Dear me!' exclaimed one,
+'he's younger than I thought.' 'That's him, is it?' observed another; 'I
+saw him ride up the street'; while the propriety-playing ones praised his
+horse, and said it was a beauty.
+
+The hounds, which they all had come to see, were never looked at.
+
+Mr. Waffles, like many men with nothing to do, was most unpunctual. He
+never seemed to know what o'clock it was, and yet he had a watch, hung in
+chains, and gewgaws, like a lady's chatelaine. Hunting partook of the
+general confusion. He did not profess to throw off till eleven, but it was
+often nearly twelve before he cast up. Then he would come up full tilt,
+surrounded by 'scarlets,' like a general with his staff; and once at the
+meet, there was a prodigious hurry to begin, equalled only by the eagerness
+to leave off. On this auspicious day he hove in sight, coming best pace
+along the road, about twenty minutes before twelve, with a more numerous
+retinue than usual. In dress, Mr. Waffles was the light, butterfly order of
+sportsman--once-round tie, French polish, paper boots, and so on. On this
+occasion he sported a shirt-collar with three or four blue lines, and then
+a white space followed by three or more blue lines, the whole terminating
+in blue spots about the size of fourpenny pieces at the points; a
+once-round blue silk tie, with white spots and flying ends. His coat was a
+light, jackety sort of thing, with little pockets behind, something in the
+style of Mr. Sponge's (a docked dressing-gown), but wanting the outside
+seaming, back strapping, and general strength that characterized Mr.
+Sponge's. His waistcoat, of course, was a worked one--heart's-ease mingled
+with foxes' heads, on a true blue ground, the gift of--we'll not say
+who--his leathers were of the finest doe-skin, and his long-topped,
+pointed-toed boots so thin as to put all idea of wet or mud out of the
+question.
+
+Such was the youth who now cantered up and took off his cap to the rank,
+beauty, and fashion, assembled at Whirleypool Windmill. He then proceeded
+to pay his respects in detail. At length, having exhausted his 'nothings,'
+and said the same thing over again in a dozen different ways to a dozen
+different ladies, he gave a slight jerk of the head to Tom Towler, who
+forthwith whistled his hounds together, and attended by the whips, bustled
+from the scene.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN GREATGUN]
+
+Epping Hunt, in its most palmy days could not equal the exhibition that now
+took place. Some of the more lively of the horses, tired of waiting,
+perhaps pinched by the cold, for most of them were newly clipped, evinced
+their approbation of the move, by sundry squeals and capers, which being
+caught by others in the neighbourhood, the infection quickly spread, and in
+less than a minute there was such a scene of rocking, and rearing, and
+kicking, and prancing, and neighing and shooting over heads, and rolling
+over tails, and hanging on by manes, mingled with such screamings from the
+ladies in the flys, and such hearty-sounding kicks against splash boards
+and fly bottoms, from sundry of the vicious ones in harness, as never was
+witnessed. One gentleman, in a bran-new scarlet, mounted on a flourishing
+piebald, late the property of Mr. Batty, stood pawing and fighting the air,
+as if in the saw-dust circle, his unfortunate rider clinging round his
+neck, expecting to have the beast back over upon him. Another little wiry
+chestnut, with abundance of rings, racing martingale, and tackle generally,
+just turned tail on the crowd and ran off home as hard as ever he could lay
+legs to the ground; while a good steady bay cob, with a barrel like a butt,
+and a tail like a hearth-brush, having selected the muddiest, dirtiest
+place he could find, deliberately proceeded to lie down, to the horror of
+his rider, Captain Greatgun, of the royal navy, who, feeling himself
+suddenly touch mother earth, thought he was going to be swallowed up alive,
+and was only awoke from the delusion by the shouts of the foot people,
+telling him to get clear of his horse before he began to roll.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Hercules would fain have joined the truant set, and, at the first
+commotion, up went his great back, and down went his ears, with a single
+lash out behind that meant mischief, but Mr. Sponge was on the alert, and
+just gave him such a dig with his spurs as restored order, without exposing
+anything that anybody could take notice of.
+
+The sudden storm was quickly lulled. The spilt ones scrambled up; the loose
+riders got tighter hold of their horses; the screaming fair ones sank
+languidly in their carriages; and the late troubled ocean of equestrians
+fell into irregular line _en route_ for the cover.
+
+Bump, bump, bump; trot, trot, trot; jolt, jolt, jolt; shake, shake, shake;
+and carriages and cavalry got to Ribston Wood somehow or other. It is a
+long cover on a hill-side, from which parties, placing themselves in the
+green valley below, can see hounds 'draw,' that is to say, run through with
+their noses to the ground, if there are any men foolish enough to believe
+that ladies care for seeing such things. However, there they were.
+
+'Eu leu, in!' cries old Tom, with a wave of his arm, finding he can no
+longer restrain the ardour of the pack as they approach, and thinking to
+save his credit, by appearing to direct. 'Eu leu, in!' repeats he, with a
+heartier cheer, as the pack charge the rotten fence with a crash that
+echoes through the wood. The whips scuttle off to their respective points,
+gentlemen feel their horses' girths, hats are thrust firmly on the head,
+and the sherry and brandy flasks begin to be drained.
+
+'Tally ho!' cries a countryman at the top of the wood, hoisting his hat on
+a stick. At the magic sound, fear comes over some, joy over others, intense
+anxiety over all. What commotion! What indecision! What confusion! 'Which
+way?--Which way?' is the cry.
+
+'Twang, twang, twang,' goes old Tom's horn at the top of the wood, whither
+he seems to have flown, so quick has he got there.
+
+A dark-coated gentleman on a good family horse solves the important
+question--'Which way?'--by diving at once into the wood, crashing along
+till he comes to a cross-road that leads to the top, when the scene opening
+to 'open fresh fields and pastures new,' discloses divers other sections
+struggling up in long drawn files, following other leaders, all puffing,
+and wheezing and holding on by the manes, many feeling as if they had had
+enough already--'Quick!' is the word, for the tail-hounds are flying the
+fence out of the first field over the body of the pack, which are running
+almost mute at best pace beyond, looking a good deal smaller than is
+agreeable to the eyes of a sportsman.
+
+'F--o--o--r--rard!' screams old Tom, flying the fence after them, followed
+by jealous jostling riders in scarlet and colours, some anxious, some easy,
+some wanting to be at it, some wanting to look as if they did, some wishing
+to know if there was anything on the far side.
+
+Now Tom tops another fence, rising like a rocket and dropping like a bird;
+still 'F--o--o--r--rard!' is the cry--away they go at racing pace.
+
+The field draws out like a telescope, leaving the largest portion at the
+end, and many--the fair and fat ones in particular--seeing the hopelessness
+of the case, pull up their horses, while yet on an eminence that commands a
+view. Fifteen or twenty horsemen enter for the race, and dash forward,
+though the hounds rather gain on old Tom, and the further they go the
+smaller the point of the telescope becomes. The pace is awful; many would
+give in but for the ladies. At the end of a mile or so, the determined ones
+show to the front, and the spirters and 'make-believes' gladly avail
+themselves of their pioneering powers.
+
+Mr. Sponge, who got well through the wood, has been going at his ease, the
+great striding brown throwing the large fields behind him with ease, and
+taking his leaps safely and well. He now shows to the front, and old Tom,
+who is still 'F--o--o--r--rarding' to his hounds, either rather falls back
+to the field or the field draws upon him. At all events they get together
+somehow. A belt of Scotch fir plantation, with a stiffish fence on each
+side, tries their mettle and the stoutness of their hats: crash they get
+through it, the noise they make among the thorns and rotten branches
+resembling the outburst of a fire. Several gentlemen here decline under
+cover of the trees.
+
+'F--o--o--r--rard!' screams old Tom, as he dives through the stiff fence
+and lands in the field outside the plantation. He might have saved his
+breath, for the hounds were beating him as it was. Mr. Sponge bores through
+the same place, little aided, however, by anything old Tom has done to
+clear the way for him, and the rest follow in his wake.
+
+The field is now reduced to six, and two of the number, Mr. Spareneck and
+Caingey Thornton, become marked in their attention to our hero. Thornton is
+riding Mr. Waffles' crack steeple-chaser 'Dare-Devil,' and Mr. Spareneck is
+on a first-rate hunter belonging to the same gentleman, but they have not
+been able to get our friend Sponge into grief. On the contrary, his horse,
+though lathered goes as strong as ever, and Mr. Sponge, seeing their
+design, is as careful of him as possible, so as not to lose ground. His
+fine, strong, steady seat, and quiet handling, contrasts well with
+Thornton's rolling bucketing style, who has already begun to ply a heavy
+cutting whip, in aid of his spurs at his fences, accompanied with a half
+frantic 'g--u--r--r--r along!' and inquires of the horse if he thinks he
+stole him?
+
+The three soon get in front; fast as they go, the hounds go faster, and
+fence after fence is thrown behind them, just as a girl throws her
+skipping-rope.
+
+Tom and the whips follow, grinning with their tongues in their cheeks, Tom
+still screeching 'F--o--o--o--rard!--F--o--o--o--rard!' at intervals.
+
+A big stone wall, built with mortar, and coped with heavy blocks of stone,
+is taken by the three abreast, for which they are rewarded by a gallop up
+Stretchfurrow pasture, from the summit of which they see the hounds
+streaming away to a fine grass country below, with pollard willows dotted
+here and there in the bottom.
+
+'Water!' says our friend Sponge to himself, wondering whether Hercules
+would face it. A desperate black bullfinch, so thick that they could hardly
+see through it, is shirked by consent, for a gate which a countryman opens,
+and another fence or two being passed, the splashing of some hounds in the
+water, and the shaking of others on the opposite bank, show that, as
+usual, the willows are pretty true prophets.
+
+Caingey, grinning his coarse red face nearly double, and getting his horse
+well by the head, rams in the spurs, and flourishes his cutting whip high
+in air, with a 'g--u--u--ur along! do you think I'--the 'stole you' being
+lost under water just as Sponge clears the brook a little lower down.
+Spareneck then pulls up.
+
+When Nimrod had Dick Christian under water in the Whissendine in his
+Leicestershire run, and someone more humane than the rest of the field
+observed, as they rode on,
+
+'But he'll be drowned.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' exclaimed another.
+
+'But the pace,' Nimrod added, 'was too good to inquire.'
+
+Such, however, was not the case with our watering-place cock, Mr. Sponge.
+Independently of the absurdity of a man risking his neck for the sake of
+picking up a bunch of red herrings, Mr. Sponge, having beat everybody,
+could afford a little humanity, more especially as he rode his horse on
+sale, and there was now no one left to witness the further prowess of the
+steed. Accordingly, he availed himself of a heavy, newly-ploughed fallow,
+upon which he landed as he cleared the brook, for pulling up, and returned
+just as Mr. Spareneck, assisted by one of the whips, succeeded in landing
+Caingey on the taking-off side. Caingey was not a pretty boy at the best of
+times--none but the most partial parents could think him one--and his
+clumsy-featured, short, compressed face, and thick, lumpy figure, were
+anything but improved by a sort of pea-green net-work of water-weeds with
+which he arose from his bath. He was uncommonly well soaked, and had to be
+held up by the heels to let the water run out of his boots, pockets, and
+clothes. In this undignified position he was found by Mr. Waffles and such
+of the field as had ridden the line.
+
+'Why, Caingey, old boy! you look like a boiled porpoise with parsley
+sauce!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, pulling up where the unfortunate youth was
+spluttering and getting emptied like a jug. 'Confound it!' added he, as
+the water came gurgling out of his mouth, 'but you must have drunk the
+brook dry.'
+
+Caingey would have censured his inhumanity, but knowing the imprudence of
+quarrelling with his bread and butter, and also aware of the laughable,
+drowned-rat figure he must then be cutting, he thought it best to laugh,
+and take his change out of Mr. Waffles another time. Accordingly, he
+chuckled and laughed too, though his jaws nearly refused their office, and
+kindly transferred the blame of the accident from the horse to himself.
+
+[Illustration: MR. CAINGEY THORNTON DOESN'T 'PUT ON STEAM ENOUGH']
+
+'He didn't put on steam enough,' he said.
+
+Meanwhile, old Tom, who had gone on with the hounds, having availed himself
+of a well-known bridge, a little above where Thornton went in, for getting
+over the brook, and having allowed a sufficient time to elapse for the
+proper completion of the farce, was now seen rounding the opposite hill,
+with his hounds clustered about his horse, with his mind conning over one
+of those imaginary runs that experienced huntsmen know so well how to
+tell, when there is no one to contradict them.
+
+Having quartered his ground to get at his old friend the bridge again, he
+just trotted up with well-assumed gaiety as Caingey Thornton spluttered the
+last piece of green weed out from between his great thick lips.
+
+'Well, Tom!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, 'what have you done with him?'
+
+'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with a slight touch of his cap, as though
+'killing' was a matter of every-day occurrence with them.
+
+'Have you, indeed!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, adopting the lie with avidity.
+
+'Yes, sir,' said Tom gravely; 'he was nearly beat afore he got to the
+brook. Indeed, I thought Vanquisher would have had him in it; but, however,
+he got through, and the scent failed on the fallow, which gave him a
+chance; but I held them on to the hedgerow beyond, where they hit it off
+like wildfire, and they never stopped again till they tumbled him over at
+the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick. I've got his brush,'
+added Tom, producing a much tattered one from his pocket, 'if you'd like to
+have it?'
+
+'Thank you, no--yes--no,' replied Waffles, not wanting to be bothered with
+it; 'yet stay,' continued he, as his eye caught Mr. Sponge, who was still
+on foot beside his vanquished friend; 'give it to Mr. What-de-ye-call-'em,'
+added he, nodding towards our hero.
+
+'Sponge,' observed Tom, in an undertone, giving the brush to his master.
+
+'Mr. Sponge, will you do me the favour to accept the brush?' asked Mr.
+Waffles, advancing with it towards him; adding, 'I am sorry this unlucky
+bather should have prevented your seeing the end.'
+
+Mr. Sponge was a pretty good judge of brushes, and not a bad one of
+camphire; but if this one had smelt twice as strong as it did--indeed, if
+it had dropped to pieces in his hand, or the moths had flown up in his
+face, he would have pocketed it, seeing it paved the way to what he
+wanted--an introduction.
+
+'I'm very much obliged, I'm sure,' observed he, advancing to take
+it--'very much obliged, indeed; been an extremely good run, and fast.'
+
+'Very fair--very fair,' observed Mr. Waffles, as though it were nothing in
+their way; 'seven miles in twenty minutes, I suppose, or something of that
+sort.'
+
+'_One_-and-twenty,' interposed Tom, with a laudable anxiety for accuracy.
+
+'Ah! one-and-twenty,' rejoined Mr. Waffles. 'I thought it would be
+somewhere thereabouts. Well, I suppose we've all had enough,' added he,
+'may as well go home and have some luncheon, and then a game at billiards,
+or rackets, or something. How's the old water-rat?' added he, turning to
+Thornton, who was now busy emptying his cap and mopping the velvet.
+
+The water-rat was as well as could be expected, but did not quite like the
+new aspect of affairs. He saw that Mr. Sponge was a first-rate horseman,
+and also knew that nothing ingratiated one man with another so much as
+skill and boldness in the field. It was by that means, indeed, that he had
+established himself in Mr. Waffles' good graces--an ingratiation that had
+been pretty serviceable to him, both in the way of meat, drink, mounting,
+and money. Had Mr. Sponge been, like himself, a needy, penniless
+adventurer, Caingey would have tried to have kept him out by some of those
+plausible, admonitory hints, that poverty makes men so obnoxious to; but in
+the case of a rich, flourishing individual, with such an astonishing stud
+as Leather made him out to have, it was clearly Caingey's policy to knock
+under and be subservient to Mr. Sponge also. Caingey, we should observe,
+was a bold, reckless rider, never seeming to care for his neck, but he was
+no match for Mr. Sponge, who had both skill and courage.
+
+Caingey being at length cleansed from his weeds, wiped from his mud, and
+made as comfortable as possible under the circumstances, was now hoisted on
+to the renowned steeple-chase horse again, who had scrambled out of the
+brook on the taking-off side, and, after meandering the banks for a certain
+distance, had been caught by the bridle in the branch of a willow--Caingey,
+we say, being again mounted, Mr. Sponge also, without hindrance from the
+resolute brown horse, the first whip put himself a little in advance, while
+old Tom followed with the hounds, and the second whip mingled with the now
+increasing field, it being generally understood (by the uninitiated, at
+least) that hounds have no business to go home so long as any gentleman is
+inclined for a scurrey, no matter whether he has joined early or late. Mr.
+Waffles, on the contrary, was very easily satisfied, and never took the
+shine off a run with a kill by risking a subsequent defeat. Old Tom, though
+keen when others were keen, was not indifferent to his comforts, and soon
+came into the way of thinking that it was just as well to get home to his
+mutton-chops at two or three o'clock, as to be groping his way about
+bottomless bye-roads on dark winter nights.
+
+As he retraced his steps homeward, and overtook the scattered field of the
+morning, his talent for invention, or rather stretching, was again called
+into requisition.
+
+'What have you done with him, Tom?' asked Major Bouncer, eagerly bringing
+his sturdy collar-marked cob alongside of our huntsman.
+
+'Killed him, sir,' replied Tom, with the slightest possible touch of the
+cap. (Bouncer was no tip.)
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Bouncer, gaily, with that sort of sham satisfaction
+that most people express about things that can't concern them in the least.
+'Indeed! I'm deuced glad of that! Where did you kill him?'
+
+'At the back of Mr. Plummey's farm-buildings, at Shapwick,' replied Tom;
+adding, 'but, my word, he led us a dance afore we got there--up to
+Ditchington, down to Somerby, round by Temple Bell Wood, cross Goosegreen
+Common, then away for Stubbington Brooms, skirtin' Sanderwick Plantations,
+but scarce goin' into 'em, then by the round hill at Camerton leavin' great
+Heatherton to the right, and so straight on to Shapwick, where we killed,
+with every hound up--'
+
+'God bless me!' exclaimed Bouncer, apparently lost in admiration, though he
+scarcely knew the country; 'God bless me!' repeated he, 'what a run! The
+finest run that ever was seen.'
+
+'Nine miles in twenty-five minutes,' replied Tom, tacking on a little both
+for time and distance.
+
+'_B-o-y_ JOVE!' exclaimed the major.
+
+Having shaken hands with, and congratulated Mr. Waffles most eagerly and
+earnestly, the major hurried off to tell as much as he could remember to
+the first person he met, just as the cheese-bearer at a christening looks
+out for some one to give the cheese to. The cheese-getter on this occasion
+was Doctor Lotion, who was going to visit old Jackey Thompson, of
+Woolleyburn. Jackey being then in a somewhat precarious state of health,
+and tolerably advanced in life, without any very self-evident heir, was
+obnoxious to the attentions of three distinct litters of cousins, some one
+or other of whom was constantly 'baying him.' Lotion, though a sapient man,
+and somewhat grinding in his practice, did not profess to grind old people
+young again, and feeling he could do very little for the body corporate,
+directed his attention to amusing Jackey's mind, and anything in the shape
+of gossip was extremely acceptable to the doctor to retail to his patient.
+Moreover, Jackey had been a bit of a sportsman, and was always extremely
+happy to see the hounds--_on anybody's land but his own_.
+
+So Lotion got primed with the story, and having gone through the usual
+routine of asking his patient how he was, how he had slept, looking at his
+tongue, and reporting on the weather, when the old posing question, 'What's
+the news?' was put, Lotion replied, as he too often had to reply, for he
+was a very slow hand at picking up information.
+
+'Nothin' particklar, I think, sir,' adding, in an off-hand sort of way,
+'you've heard of the greet run, I s'pose, sir?'
+
+'Great run!' exclaimed the octogenarian, as if it was a matter of the most
+vital importance to him; 'great run, sir; no, sir, not a word!'
+
+The doctor then retailed it.
+
+Old Jackey got possessed of this one idea--he thought of nothing else.
+Whoever came, he out with it, chapter and verse, with occasional
+variations. He told it to all the 'cousins in waiting'; Jackey Thompson,
+of Carrington Ford; Jackey Thompson, of Houndesley; Jackey Thompson, of the
+Mill; and all the Bobs, Bills, Sams, Harrys, and Peters, composing the
+respective litters;--forgetting where he got it from, he nearly told it
+back to Lotion himself. We sometimes see old people affected this way--far
+more enthusiastic on a subject than young ones. Few dread the aspect of
+affairs so much as those who have little chance of seeing how they go.
+
+But to the run. The cousins reproduced the story according to their
+respective powers of exaggeration. One tacked on two miles, another ten,
+and so it went on and on, till it reached the ears of the great Mr.
+Seedeyman, the mighty WE of the country, as he sat in his den penning his
+'stunners' for his market-day _Mercury_. It had then distanced the great
+sea-serpent itself in length, having extended over thirty-three miles of
+country, which Mr. Seedeyman reported to have been run in one hour and
+forty minutes.
+
+Pretty good going, we should say.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+THE FEELER
+
+
+Bag fox-hunts, be they ever so good, are but unsatisfactory things; drag
+runs are, beyond all measure, unsatisfactory. After the best-managed bag
+fox-hunt, there is always a sort of suppressed joy, a deadly liveliness in
+the field. Those in the secret are afraid of praising it too much, lest the
+secret should ooze out, and strangers suppose that all their great runs are
+with bag foxes, while the mere retaking of an animal that one has had in
+hand before is not calculated to arouse any very pleasurable emotions.
+Nobody ever goes frantic at seeing an old donkey of a deer handed back into
+his carriage after a canter.
+
+Our friends on this occasion soon exhausted what they had to say on the
+subject.
+
+'That's a nice horse of yours,' observed Mr. Waffles to Mr. Sponge, as the
+latter, on the strength of the musty brush, now rode alongside the master
+of the hounds.
+
+'I think he is,' replied Sponge, rubbing some of the now dried sweat from
+his shoulder and neck; 'I think he is; I like him a good deal better to-day
+than I did the first time I rode him.'
+
+'What, he's a new one, is he?' asked Mr. Waffles, taking a scented cigar
+from his mouth, and giving a steady sidelong stare at the horse.
+
+'Bought him in Leicestershire,' replied Sponge. 'He belonged to Lord
+Bullfrog, who didn't think him exactly up to his weight.'
+
+'Up to his weight!' exclaimed Mr. Caingey Thornton, who had now ridden up
+on the other side of his great patron, 'why, he must be another Daniel
+Lambert.'
+
+'Rather so,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'rides nineteen stun.'
+
+'What a monster!' exclaimed Thornton, who was of the pocket order.
+
+'I thought he didn't go fast enough at his fences the first time I rode
+him,' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing the curb slightly so as to show the
+horse's fine arched neck to advantage; 'but he went quick enough to-day, in
+all conscience,' added he.
+
+'He did _that_,' observed Mr. Thornton, now bent on a toadying match. 'I
+never saw a finer lepper.'
+
+'He flew many feet beyond the brook,' observed Mr. Spareneck, who, thinking
+discretion was the better part of valour, had pulled up on seeing his
+comrade Thornton blobbing about in the middle of it, and therefore was
+qualified to speak to the fact.
+
+So they went on talking about the horse, and his points, and his speed, and
+his action, very likely as much for want of something to say, or to keep
+off the subject of the run, as from any real admiration of the animal.
+
+The true way to make a man take a fancy to a horse is to make believe that
+you don't want to sell him--at all events, that you are easy about selling.
+Mr. Sponge had played this game so very often, that it came quite natural
+to him. He knew exactly how far to go, and having expressed his previous
+objection to the horse, he now most handsomely made the _amende honorable_
+by patting him on the neck, and declaring that he really thought he should
+keep him.
+
+It is said that every man has his weak or 'do-able' point, if the sharp
+ones can but discover it. This observation does not refer, we believe, to
+men with an innocent _penchant_ for play, or the turf, or for buying
+pictures, or for collecting china, or for driving coaches and four, all of
+which tastes proclaim themselves sooner or later, but means that the most
+knowing, the most cautious, and the most careful, are all to be come over,
+somehow or another.
+
+There are few things more surprising in this remarkable world than the
+magnificent way people talk about money, or the meannesses they will resort
+to in order to get a little. We hear fellows flashing and talking in
+hundreds and thousands, who will do almost anything for a five-pound note.
+We have known men pretending to hunt countries at their own expense, and
+yet actually 'living out of the hounds.' Next to the accomplishment of
+that--apparently almost impossible feat--comes the dexterity required for
+living by horse-dealing.
+
+A little lower down in the scale comes the income derived from the
+profession of a 'go-between'--the gentleman who can buy the horse cheaper
+than you can. This was Caingey Thornton's trade. He was always lurking
+about people's stables talking to grooms and worming out secrets--whose
+horse had a cough, whose was a wind-sucker, whose was lame after hunting,
+and so on--and had a price current of every horse in the place--knew what
+had been given, what the owners asked, and had a pretty good guess what
+they would take.
+
+Waffles would have been an invaluable customer to Thornton if the former's
+groom, Mr. Figg, had not been rather too hard with his 'reg'lars.' He
+insisted on Caingey dividing whatever he got out of his master with him.
+This reduced profits considerably; but still, as it was a profession that
+did not require any capital to set up with, Thornton could afford to be
+liberal, having only to tack on to one end to cut off at the other.
+
+After the opening Sponge gave as they rode home with the hounds, Thornton
+had no difficulty in sounding him on the subject.
+
+'You'll not think me impertinent, I hope,' observed Caingey, in his most
+deferential style, to our hero when they met at the News'-room the next
+day--'you'll not think me impertinent, I hope; but I think you said as we
+rode home, yesterday, that you didn't altogether like the brown horse you
+were on?'
+
+'_Did I?_' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise; 'I think you must
+have misunderstood me.'
+
+'Why, no; it wasn't exactly that,' rejoined Mr. Thornton, 'but you said you
+liked him better than you did, I think?'
+
+'Ah! I believe I did say something of the sort,' replied Sponge
+casually--'I believe I did say something of the sort; but he carried me so
+well that I thought better of him. The fact was,' continued Mr. Sponge,
+confidentially, 'I thought him rather too light mouthed; I like a horse
+that bears more on the hand.'
+
+'Indeed!' observed Mr. Thornton; 'most people think a light mouth a
+recommendation.'
+
+'I know they do,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'I know they do; but I like a horse
+that requires a little riding. Now this is too much of a made horse--too
+much of what I call an old man's horse, for me. Bullfrog, whom I bought him
+of, is very fat--eats a great deal of venison and turtle--all sorts of good
+things, in fact--and can't stand much tewing in the saddle; now, I rather
+like to feel that I am on a horse, and not in an arm-chair.'
+
+'He's a fine horse,' observed Mr. Thornton.
+
+'So he ought,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I gave a hatful of money for him--two
+hundred and fifty golden sovereigns, and not a guinea back. Bullfrog's the
+biggest screw I ever dealt with.'
+
+That latter observation was highly encouraging to Thornton. It showed that
+Mr. Sponge was not one of your tight-laced dons, who take offence at the
+mere mention of 'drawbacks,' but, on the contrary, favoured the supposition
+that he would do the 'genteel,' should he happen to be a seller.
+
+'Well, if you should feel disposed to part with him, perhaps you will have
+the kindness to let me know,' observed Mr. Thornton; adding, 'he's not for
+myself, of course, but I think I know a man he would suit, and who would be
+inclined to give a good price for him.'
+
+'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'I will,' repeated he, adding, 'if I _were_
+to sell him, I wouldn't take a farthing under three 'underd for him--three
+'underd _guineas_, mind, _not punds_.'
+
+'That's a vast sum of money,' observed Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Not a bit on't,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'He's worth it all, and a great deal
+more. Indeed, I haven't said, mind that, I'll take that for him; all I've
+said is, that I wouldn't take less.'
+
+'Just so,' replied Mr. Thornton.
+
+'He's a horse of high character,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'Indeed he has no
+business out of Leicestershire; and I don't know what set my fool of a
+groom to bring him here.'
+
+'Well, I'll see if I can coax my friend into giving what you say,' observed
+Mr. Thornton.
+
+'Nay, never mind coaxing,' replied Mr. Sponge, with the utmost
+indifference; 'never mind coaxing; if he's not anxious, my name's "easy."
+Only mind ye, if I ride him again, and he carries me as he did yesterday, I
+shall clap on another fifty. A horse of that figure can't be dear at any
+price,' added he. 'Put him in a steeple-chase, and you'd get your money
+back in ten minutes, and a bagful to boot.'
+
+'True,' observed Mr. Thornton, treasuring that fact up as an additional
+inducement to use to his friend.
+
+So the amiable gentlemen parted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE DEAL, AND THE DISASTER
+
+
+If people are inclined to deal, bargains can very soon be struck at idle
+watering-places, where anything in the shape of occupation is a godsend,
+and bargainers know where to find each other in a minute. Everybody knows
+where everybody is.
+
+'Have you seen Jack Sprat?'
+
+'Oh yes; he's just gone into Muddle's Bazaar with Miss Flouncey, looking
+uncommon sweet.' Or--
+
+'Can you tell me where I shall find Mr. Slowman?'
+
+Answer.--'You'll find him at his lodgings, No. 15, Belvidere Terrace, till
+a quarter before seven. He's gone home to dress, to dine with Major and
+Mrs. Holdsworthy, at Grunton Villa, for I heard him order Jenkins's fly at
+that time.'
+
+Caingey Thornton knew exactly when he would find Mr. Waffles at Miss
+Lollypop's, the confectioner, eating ices and making love to that very
+interesting much-courted young lady. True to his time, there was Waffles,
+eating and eyeing the cherry-coloured ribbons, floating in graceful curls
+along with her raven-coloured ringlets, down Miss Lollypop's nice fresh
+plump cheeks.
+
+After expatiating on the great merits of the horse, and the certainty of
+getting all the money back by steeple-chasing him in the spring, and
+stating his conviction that Mr. Sponge would not take any part of the
+purchase-money in pictures or jewellery, or anything of that sort, Mr.
+Waffles gave his consent to deal, on the terms the following conversation
+shows.
+
+'My friend will give you your price, if you wouldn't mind taking his cheque
+and keeping it for a few months till he's into funds,' observed Mr.
+Thornton, who now sought Mr. Sponge out at the billiard-room.
+
+'Why,' observed Mr. Sponge, thoughtfully, 'you know horses are always ready
+money.'
+
+'True,' replied Thornton; 'at least that's the theory of the thing; only
+my friend is rather peculiarly situated at present.'
+
+'I suppose Mr. Waffles is your man?' observed Mr. Sponge, rightly judging
+that there couldn't be two such flats in the place.
+
+'Just so,' said Mr. Thornton.
+
+[Illustration: MR. WAFFLES AT MISS LOLLYPOP'S]
+
+'I'd rather take his "stiff" than his cheque,' observed Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause. 'I could get a bit of stiff _done_, but a cheque, you
+see--especially a post-dated one--is always objected to.'
+
+'Well, I dare say that will make no difference,' observed Mr. Thornton,
+'"stiff," if you prefer it--say three months; or perhaps you'll give us
+four?'
+
+'Three's long enough, in all conscience,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a shake
+of the head, adding, 'Bullfrog made me pay down on the nail.'
+
+'Well, so be it, then,' assented Mr. Thornton; 'you draw at three months,
+and Mr. Waffles will accept, payable at Coutts's.'
+
+After so much liberality, Mr. Caingey expected that Mr. Sponge would have
+hinted at something handsome for him; but all Sponge said was, 'So be it,'
+too, as he walked away to buy a bill-stamp.
+
+Mr. Waffles was more considerate, and promised him the first mount on his
+new purchase, though Caingey would rather have had a ten, or even a
+five-pound note.
+
+Towards the hour of ten on that eventful day, numerous gaitered, trousered,
+and jacketed grooms began to ride up and down the High Street, most of them
+with their stirrups crossed negligently on the pommels of the saddles, to
+indicate that their masters were going to ride the horses, and not them.
+The street grew lively, not so much with people going to hunt, as with
+people coming to see those who were. Tattered Hibernians, with rags on
+their backs and jokes on their lips; young English _chevaliers
+d'industrie_, with their hands ready to dive into anybody's pockets but
+their own; stablemen out of place, servants loitering on their errands,
+striplings helping them, ladies'-maids with novels or three-corner'd notes,
+and a good crop of beggars.
+
+'What, Spareneck, do you ride the grey to-day? I thought you'd done
+Gooseman out of a mount,' observed Ensign Downley, as a line of
+scarlet-coated youths hung over the balcony of the Imperial Hotel, after
+breakfast and before mounting for the day.
+
+Spareneck.--'No, that's for Tuesday. He wouldn't stand one to-day. What do
+you ride?'
+
+Downley.--'Oh, I've a hack, one of Screwman's, Perpetual Motion they call
+him, because he never gets any rest. That's him, I believe, with the
+lofty-actioned hind-legs,' added he, pointing to a weedy string-halty bay
+passing below, high in bone and low in flesh.
+
+'Who's o' the gaudy chestnut?' asked Caingey Thornton, who now appeared,
+wiping his fat lips after his second glass of _eau de vie_.
+
+'That's Mr. Sponge's,' replied Spareneck in a low tone, knowing how soon a
+man catches his own name.
+
+'A deuced fine horse he is, too,' observed Caingey, in a louder key;
+adding, 'Sponge has the finest lot of horses of any man in England--in the
+world, I may say.'
+
+Mr. Sponge himself now rose from the breakfast table, and was speedily
+followed by Mr. Waffles and the rest of the party, some bearing
+sofa-pillows and cushions to place on the balustrades, to loll at their
+ease, in imitation of the Coventry Club swells in Piccadilly. Then our
+friends smoked their cigars, reviewed the cavalry, and criticised the
+ladies who passed below in the flys on their way to the meet.
+
+'Come, old Bolter!' exclaimed one, 'here's Miss Bussington coming to look
+after you--got her mamma with her, too--so you may as well knock under at
+once, for she's determined to have you.'
+
+'A devil of a woman the old un is, too,' observed Ensign Downley; 'she
+nearly frightened Jack Simpers of ours into fits, by asking what he meant
+after dancing three dances with her daughter one night.'
+
+'My word, but Miss Jumpheavy must expect to do some execution to-day with
+that fine floating feather and her crimson satin dress and ermine,'
+observed Mr. Waffles, as that estimable lady drove past in her Victoria
+phaeton. 'She looks like the Queen of Sheba herself. But come, I suppose,'
+he added, taking a most diminutive Geneva watch out of his
+waistcoat-pocket, 'we should be going. See! there's your nag kicking up a
+shindy,' he said to Caingey Thornton, as the redoubtable brown was led down
+the street by a jean-jacketed groom, kicking and lashing out at everything
+he came near.
+
+'I'll kick him,' observed Thornton, retiring from the balcony to the
+brandy-bottle, and helping himself to a pretty good-sized glass. He then
+extricated his large cutting whip from the confusion of whips with which
+it was mixed, and clonk, clonk, clonked downstairs to the door.
+
+'Multum in Parvo' stopped the doorway, across whose shoulder Leather passed
+the following hints, in a low tone of voice, to Mr. Sponge, as the latter
+stood drawing on his dogskin gloves, the observed, as he flattered himself,
+of all observers.
+
+'Mind now,' said Leather, 'this oss as a will of his own; though he seems
+so quiet like, he's not always to be depended on; so be on the look-out for
+squalls.'
+
+Sponge, having had a glass of brandy, just mounted with the air of a man
+thoroughly at home with his horse, and drawing the rein, with a slight feel
+of the spur, passed on from the door to make way for the redoubtable
+Hercules. Hercules was evidently not in a good humour. His ears were laid
+back, and the rolling white eye showed mischief. Sponge saw all this, and
+turned to see whether Thornton's clumsy, wash-ball seat, would be able to
+control the fractious spirit of the horse.
+
+'Whoay!' roared Thornton, as his first dive at the stirrup missed, and was
+answered by a hearty kick out from the horse, the 'whoay' being given in a
+very different tone to the gentle, coaxing style of Mr. Buckram and his
+men. Had it not been for the brandy within and the lookers-on without,
+there is no saying but Caingey would have declined the horse's further
+acquaintance. As it was, he quickly repeated his attempt at the stirrup
+with the same sort of domineering 'whoay,' adding, as he landed in the
+saddle and snatched at the reins, 'Do you think I stole you?'
+
+Whatever the horse's opinion might be on that point, he didn't seem to care
+to express it, for finding kicking alone wouldn't do, he immediately
+commenced rearing too, and by a desperate plunge, broke away from the
+groom, before Thornton had either got him by the head or his feet in the
+stirrups. Three most desperate bounds he gave, rising at the bit as though
+he would come back over if the hold was not relaxed, and the fourth effort
+bringing him to the opposite kerb-stone, he up again with such a bound and
+impetus that he crashed right through Messrs. Frippery and Flummery's fine
+plate-glass window, to the terror and astonishment of their elegant young
+counter-skippers, who were busy arranging their ribbons and finery for the
+day. Right through the window Hercules went, switching through book muslins
+and bareges as he would through a bullfinch, and attempting to make his
+exit by a large plate-glass mirror against the wall of the cloak-room
+beyond, which he dashed all to pieces with his head. Worse remains to be
+told. 'Multum in Parvo,' seeing his old comrade's hind-quarters
+disappearing through the window, just took the bit between his teeth, and
+followed, in spite of Mr. Sponge's every effort to turn him; and when at
+length he got him hauled round, the horse was found to have decorated
+himself with a sky-blue _visite_ trimmed with Honiton lace, which he wore
+like a charger on his way to the Crusades, or a steed bearing a knight to
+the Eglinton tournament.
+
+Quick as it happened, and soon as it was over, all Laverick Wells seemed to
+have congregated in the street as our heroes rode out of the folding
+glass-doors.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+AN OLD FRIEND
+
+
+About a fortnight after the above catastrophe, and as the recollection of
+it was nearly effaced by Miss Jumpheavy's abduction of Ensign Downley, our
+friend, Mr. Waffles, on visiting his stud at the four o'clock
+stable-hour, found a most respectable, middle-aged, rosy-gilled,
+better-sort-of-farmer-looking man, straddling his tight drab-trousered
+legs, with a twisted ash plant propping his chin, behind the redoubtable
+Hercules. He had a bran-new hat on, a velvet-collared blue coat with metal
+buttons, that anywhere but in the searching glare and contrast of London
+might have passed for a spic-and-span new one; a small, striped,
+step-collared toilanette vest; and the aforesaid drab trousers, in the
+right-hand pocket of which his disengaged hand kept fishing up and slipping
+down an avalanche of silver, which made a pleasant musical accompaniment to
+his monetary conversation. On seeing Mr. Waffles, the stranger touched his
+hat, and appeared to be about to retire, when Mr. Figg, the stud-groom,
+thus addressed his master:
+
+'This be Mr. Buckram, sir, of London, sir; says he knows our brown 'orse,
+sir.'
+
+'Ah, indeed,' observed Mr. Waffles, taking a cigar from his mouth; 'knows
+no good of him, I should think. What part of London do you live in, Mr.
+Buckram?' asked he.
+
+'Why, I doesn't exactly live in London, my lord--that's to say, sir--a
+little way out of it, you know--have a little hindependence of my own, you
+understand.'
+
+'Hang it, how should I understand anything of the sort--never set eyes on
+you before,' replied Mr. Waffles.
+
+The half-crowns now began to descend singly in the pocket, keeping up a
+protracted jingle, like the notes of a lazy, undecided musical snuff-box.
+By the time the last had dropped, Mr. Buckram had collected himself
+sufficiently to resume.
+
+Taking the ash-plant away from his mouth, with which he had been
+barricading his lips, he observed--
+
+'I know'd that oss when Lord Bullfrog had him,' nodding his head at our old
+friend as he spoke.
+
+'The deuce you did!' observed Mr. Waffles;' where was that?'
+
+'In Leicestersheer,' replied Mr. Buckram. 'I have a haunt as lives at Mount
+Sorrel; she has a little hindependence of her own, and I goes down
+'casionally to see her--in fact, I believes I'm her _hare_. Well, I was
+down there just at the beginnin' of the season, the 'ounds met at Kirby
+Gate--a mile or two to the south, you know, on the Leicester road--it was
+the fust day of the season, in fact--and there was a great crowd, and I was
+one; and havin' a heye for an oss, I was struck with this one, you
+understand, bein' as I thought, a 'ticklar nice 'un. Lord Bullfrog's man
+was a ridin' of him, and he kept him outside the crowd, showin' off his
+pints, and passin' him backwards and forwards under people's noses, to
+'tract the notish of the nobs--parsecutin, what I call--and I see'd Mr.
+Sponge struck--I've known Mr. Sponge many years, and a 'ticklar nice gent
+he is--well, Mr. Sponge pulled hup, and said to the grum, "Who's o' that
+oss?" "My Lor' Bullfrog's, sir," said the man. "He's a deuced nice 'un,"
+observed Mr. Sponge, thinkin', as he was a lord's, he might praise 'im,
+seein', in all probability, he weren't for sale. "He is _that_," said the
+grum, patting him on the neck, as though he were special fond on him. "Is
+my lord out?" asked Mr. Sponge. "No, sir; he's not come down yet," replied
+the man, "nor do I know when he will come. He's been down at Bath for some
+time 'sociatin' with the aldermen o' Bristol and has thrown up a vast o'
+bad flesh--two stun' sin' last season--and he's afeared this oss won't be
+able to carry 'im, and so he writ to me to take 'im out to-day, to show
+'im." "He'd carry _me_, I think," said Mr. Sponge, making hup his mind on
+the moment, jist as he makes hup his mind to ride at a fence--not that I
+think it's a good plan for a gent to show that he's sweet on an oss, for
+they're sure to make him pay for it. Howsomever, that's nouther here nor
+there. Well, jist as Mr. Sponge said this, Sir Richard driv' hup, and
+havin' got his oss, away we trotted to the goss jist below, and the next
+thing I see'd was Mr. Sponge leadin' the 'ole field on this werry nag.
+Well, I heard no more till I got to Melton, for I didn't go to my haunt's
+at Mount Sorrel that night, and I saw little of the run, for my oss was
+rather puffy, livin' principally on chaff, bran mashes, swedes, and soft
+food; and when I got to Melton, I heard 'ow Mr. Sponge had bought this
+oss,' Mr. Buckram nodding his head at the horse as he spoke, 'and 'ow that
+he'd given the matter o' two 'under'd--or I'm not sure it weren't two
+'under'd-and-fifty guineas for 'im, and--'
+
+'Well,' interrupted Mr. Waffles, tired of his verbosity, 'and what did they
+say about the horse?'
+
+'Why,' continued Mr. Buckram, thoughtfully, propping his chin up with his
+stick, and drawing all the half-crowns up to the top of his pocket again,
+'the fust 'spicious thing I heard was Sir Digby Snaffle's grum, Sam, sayin'
+to Captain Screwley's bat-man grum, jist afore the George Inn door,--
+
+'"Well, Jack, Tommy's sold the brown oss!"
+
+'"N--O--O--R!" exclaimed Jack, starin' 'is eyes
+out, as if it were unpossible.
+
+'"He '_as_ though," said Sam.
+
+'"Well, then, I 'ope the gemman's fond o' walkin'," exclaimed Jack, bustin'
+out a laughin' and runnin' on.
+
+'This rayther set me a thinkin',' continued Mr. Buckram, dropping a second
+half-crown, which jinked against the nest-egg one left at the bottom, 'and
+fearin' that Mr. Sponge had fallen 'mong the Philistines--which I was werry
+concerned about, for he's a real nice gent, but thoughtless, as many young
+gents are who 'ave plenty of tin--I made it my business to inquire 'bout
+this oss; and if he _is_ the oss that I saw in Leicestersheer, and I 'ave
+little doubt about it (dropping two consecutive half-crowns as he spoke),
+though I've not seen him out, I--'
+
+'Ah! well, I bought him of Mr. Sponge, who said he got him from Lord
+Bullfrog,' interrupted Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Ah! then he _is_ the oss, in course,' said Mr. Buckram, with a sort of
+mournful chuck of the chin; 'he _is_ the oss,' repeated he; 'well, then,
+he's a dangerous hanimal,' added he, letting slip three half-crowns.
+
+'What does he do?' asked Mr. Waffles.
+
+'Do!' repeated Mr. Buckram, 'DO! he'll do for anybody.'
+
+'Indeed,' responded Mr. Waffles; adding, 'how could Mr. Sponge sell me such
+a brute?'
+
+'I doesn't mean to say, mind ye,' observed Mr. Buckram, drawing back three
+half-crowns, as though he had gone that much too far,--'I doesn't mean to
+say, mind, that he's wot you call a misteched, runaway,
+rear-backwards-over-hanimal--but I mean to say he's a difficultish oss to
+ride--himpetuous--and one that, if he got the hupper 'and, would be werry
+likely to try and keep the hupper 'and--you understand me?' said he, eyeing
+Mr. Waffles intently, and dropping four half-crowns as he spoke.
+
+'I'm tellin' you nothin' but the truth,' observed Mr. Buckram, after a
+pause, adding, 'in course it's nothin' to me, only bein' down here on a
+visit to a friend, and 'earin' that the oss were 'ere, I made bold to look
+in to see whether it was 'im or no. No offence, I 'opes,' added he, letting
+go the rest of the silver, and taking the prop from under his chin, with an
+obeisance as if he was about to be off.
+
+'Oh, no offence at all,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, 'no offence--rather the
+contrary. Indeed, I'm much obliged to you for telling me what you have
+done. Just stop half a minute,' added he, thinking he might as well try and
+get something more out of him. While Mr. Waffles was considering his next
+question, Mr. Buckram saved him the trouble of thinking by 'leading the
+gallop' himself.
+
+'I believe 'im to be a _good_ oss, and I believe 'im to be a _bad_ oss,'
+observed Mr. Buckram, sententiously. 'I believe that oss, with a bold rider
+on his back, and well away with the 'ounds, would beat most osses goin',
+but it's the start that's the difficulty with him; for if, on the other
+'and, he don't incline to go, all the spurrin', and quiltin', and
+leatherin' in the world won't make 'im. It'll be a mercy o' Providence if
+he don't cut out work for the crowner some day.'
+
+'Hang the brute!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, in disgust; 'I've a good mind to
+have his throat cut.'
+
+'Nay,' replied Mr. Buckram, brightening up, and stirring the silver round
+and round in his pocket like a whirlpool, 'nay,' replied he, 'he's fit for
+summat better nor that.'
+
+'Not much, I think,' replied Mr. Waffles, pouting with disgust. He now
+stood silent for a few seconds.
+
+'Well, but what did they mean by hoping Mr. Sponge was fond of walking?' at
+length asked he.
+
+'Oh, vy,' replied Mr. Buckram, gathering all the money up again, 'I believe
+it was this 'ere,' beginning to drop them to half-minute time, and talking
+very slowly; 'the oss, I believe, got the better of Lord Bullfrog one day,
+somewhere a little on this side of Thrussinton--that, you know, is where
+Sir 'Arry built his kennels--between Mount Sorrel and Melton in fact--and
+havin' got his Lordship off, who, I should tell you, is an uncommon fat
+'un, he wouldn't let him on again, and he 'ad to lead him the matter of I
+don't know 'ow many miles'; Mr. Buckram letting go the whole balance of
+silver in a rush, as if to denote that it was no joke.
+
+'The brute!' observed Mr. Waffles, in disgust, adding, 'Well, as you seem
+to have a pretty good opinion of him, suppose you buy him; I'll let you
+have him cheap.'
+
+''Ord bless you--my lord--that's to say, sir!' exclaimed Buckram, shrugging
+up his shoulders, and raising his eyebrows as high as they would go, 'he'd
+be of no use to me, none votsomever--shouldn't know what to do with
+him--never do for 'arness--besides, I 'ave a werry good machiner as it
+is--at least, he sarves my turn, and that's everything, you know. No, sir,
+no,' continued he, slowly and thoughtfully, dropping the silver to
+half-minute time; 'no, sir, no; if I might make free with a gen'leman o'
+your helegance,' continued he, after a pause,' I'd say, sell 'im to a
+post-master or a buss-master, or some sich cattle as those, but I doesn't
+think I'd put 'im into the 'ands of no gen'leman, that's to say if I were
+_you_, at least,' added he.
+
+'Well, then, will you speculate on him yourself for the buss-masters?'
+asked Mr. Waffles, tired alike of the colloquy and the quadruped.
+
+[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF LORD BULLFROG, FORMERLY OWNER OF 'HERCULES']
+
+'Oh, vy, as to that,' replied Mr. Buckram, with an air of the most perfect
+indifference, 'vy, as to that--not bein' nouther a post-master nor a
+buss-master--but 'aving, as I said before, a little hindependence o' my
+own, vy, I couldn't in course give such a bountiful price as if I could
+turn 'im to account at once; but if it would be any 'commodation to you,'
+added he, working the silver up into full cry, 'I wouldn't mind givin' you
+the with (worth) of 'im--say, deductin' expenses hup to town, and standin'
+at livery afore I finds a customer--expenses hup to town,' continued Mr.
+Buckram, muttering to himself in apparent calculation, 'standin' at
+livery--three-and-sixpence a night, grum, and so on--I wouldn't mind,'
+continued he briskly, 'givin' of you twenty pund for 'im--if you'd throw me
+back a sov.,' continued he, seeing Mr. Waffles' brow didn't contract into
+the frown he expected at having such a sum offered for his
+three-hundred-guinea horse.
+
+In the course of an hour, that wonderful invention of modern times,--the
+Electric Telegraph--conveyed the satisfactory words 'All right' to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, just as he was sitting down to dinner in a certain
+sumptuously sanded coffee-room in Conduit Street, who forthwith sealed and
+posted the following ready-written letter:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.
+
+    'SIR,
+
+'I have been greatly surprised and hurt to hear that you have thought fit
+to impeach my integrity, and insinuate that I had taken you in with the
+brown horse. Such insinuations touch one in a tender point--one's
+self-respect. The bargain, I may remind you, was of your own seeking, and I
+told you at the time I knew nothing of the horse, having only ridden him
+once, and I also told you where I got him. To show how unjust and unworthy
+your insinuations have been, I have now to inform you that, having
+ascertained that Lord Bullfrog knew he was vicious, I insisted on his
+lordship taking him back, and have only to add that, on my receiving him
+from you, I will return you your bill.'
+
+    'I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.,
+      'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'
+
+Mr. Waffles was a good deal vexed and puzzled when he got this letter. He
+had parted with the horse, who was gone no one knew where, and Mr. Waffles
+felt that he had used a certain freedom of speech in speaking of the
+transaction. Mr. Sponge having left Laverick Wells, had, perhaps, led him a
+little astray with his tongue--slandering an absent man being generally
+thought a pretty safe game; it now seemed Mr. Waffles was all wrong, and
+might have had his money back if he had not been in such a hurry to part
+with the horse. Like a good many people, he thought he had best eat up his
+words, which he did in the following manner:
+
+    'IMPERIAL HOTEL, LAVERICK WELLS.
+
+    'DEAR MR. SPONGE,
+
+'You are quite mistaken in supposing that I ever insinuated anything
+against _you_ with regard to the horse. I said _he_ was a beast, and it
+seems Lord Bullfrog admits it. However, never mind anything more about him,
+though I am equally obliged to you for the trouble you have taken. The fact
+is, I have parted with him.
+
+'We are having capital sport; never go out but we kill, sometimes a brace,
+sometimes a leash of foxes. Hoping you are recovered from the effects of
+your ride through the window, and will soon rejoin us, believe me, dear Mr.
+Sponge,'
+
+    'Yours very sincerely,
+
+    'W. WAFFLES.'
+
+To which Mr. Sponge shortly after rejoined as follows:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.
+
+    'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'Yours to hand--I am glad to receive a disclaimer of any unworthy
+imputations respecting the brown horse. Such insinuations are only for
+horse-dealers, not for men of high gentlemanly feeling.
+
+'I am sorry to say we have not got out of the horse as I hoped. Lord
+Bullfrog, who is a most cantankerous fellow, insists upon having him back,
+according to the terms of my letter; I must therefore trouble you to hunt
+him up, and let us accommodate his lordship with him again. If you will say
+where he is, I may very likely know some one who can assist us in getting
+him. You will excuse this trouble, I hope, considering that it was to serve
+you that I moved in the matter, and insisted on returning him to his
+lordship, at a loss of L50 to myself, having only given L250 for him.'
+
+    'I remain, dear Waffles,
+
+    'Yours sincerely,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.'
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.,
+      'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'
+
+    'LAVERICK WELLS.
+
+    'DEAR SPONGE,
+
+'I'm afraid Bullfrog will have to make himself happy without his horse, for
+I hav'n't the slightest idea where he is. I sold him to a cockneyfied,
+countryfied sort of a man, who said he had a small "hindependence of his
+own"--somewhere, I believe, about London. He didn't give much for him, as
+you may suppose, when I tell you he paid for him chiefly in silver. If I
+were you, I wouldn't trouble myself about him.'
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'W. WAFFLES.
+
+    'To H. SPONGE, Esq.'
+
+Our hero addressed Mr. Waffles again, in the course of a few days, as
+follows:
+
+'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'I am sorry to say Bullfrog won't be put off without the horse. He says I
+insisted on his taking him back, and now he insists on having him. I have
+had his lawyer, Mr. Chousam, of the great firm of Chousam, Doem, and Co.,
+of Throgmorton Street, at me, who says his lordship will play old
+gooseberry with us if we don't return him by Saturday. Pray put on all
+steam, and look him up.'
+
+    'Yours in haste,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'
+
+Mr. Waffles did put on all steam, and so successfully that he ran the
+horse to ground at our friend Mr. Buckram's. Though the horse was in the
+box adjoining the house, Mr. Buckram declared he had sold him to go to
+'Hireland'; to what county he really couldn't say, nor to what hunt; all he
+knew was, the gentleman said he was a 'captin,' and lived in a castle.
+
+Mr. Waffles communicated the intelligence to Sponge, requesting him to do
+the best he could for him, who reported what his 'best' was in the
+following letter:
+
+
+'DEAR WAFFLES,
+
+'My lawyer has seen Chousam, and deuced stiff he says he was. It seems
+Bullfrog is indignant at being accused of a "do"; and having got me in the
+wrong box, by not being able to return the horse as claimed, he meant to
+work me. At first Chousam would hear of nothing but "l--a--w." Bullfrog's
+wounded honour could only be salved that way. Gradually, however, we
+diverged from l--a--w to L--s.--d.; and the upshot of it is, that he will
+advise his lordship to take L250 and be done with it. It's a bore; but I
+did it for the best, and shall be glad now to know your wishes on the
+subject. Meanwhile, I remain,'
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'
+
+Formerly a remittance by post used to speak for itself. The tender-fingered
+clerks could detect an enclosure, however skilfully folded. Few people
+grudged double postage in those days. Now one letter is so much like
+another, that nothing short of opening them makes one any wiser. Mr. Sponge
+received Mr. Waffles' answer from the hands of the waiter with the sort of
+feeling that it was only the continuation of their correspondence. Judge,
+then, of his delight, when a nice, clean, crisp promissory note, on a
+five-shilling stamp, fell quivering to the floor. A few lines, expressive
+of Mr. Waffles' gratitude for the trouble our hero had taken, and hopes
+that it would not be inconvenient to take a note at two months,
+accompanied it. At first Mr. Sponge was overjoyed. It would set him up for
+the season. He thought how he'd spend it. He had half a mind to go to
+Melton. There were no heiresses there, or else he would. Leamington would
+do, only it was rather expensive. Then he thought he might as well have
+done Waffles a little more.
+
+'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I don't do myself justice! I'm too much
+of a gentleman! I should have had five 'under'd--such an ass as Waffles
+deserves to be done!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+A NEW SCHEME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Our friend Soapey was now in good feather; he had got a large price for his
+good-for-nothing horse, with a very handsome bonus for not getting him
+back, making him better off than he had been for some time. Gentlemen of
+his calibre are generally extremely affluent in everything except cash.
+They have bills without end--bills that nobody will touch, and book debts
+in abundance--book debts entered with metallic pencils in curious little
+clasped pocket-books, with such utter disregard of method that it would
+puzzle an accountant to comb them into anything like shape.
+
+It is true, what Mr. Sponge got from Mr. Waffles were bills--but they were
+good bills, and of such reasonable date as the most exacting of the Jew
+tribe would 'do' for twenty per cent. Mr. Sponge determined to keep the
+game alive, and getting Hercules and Multum in Parvo together again, he
+added a showy piebald hack, that Buckram had just got from some circus
+people who had not been able to train him to their work.
+
+The question now was, where to manoeuvre this imposing stud--a problem
+that Mr. Sponge quickly solved.
+
+Among the many strangers who rushed into indiscriminate friendship with our
+hero at Laverick Wells, was Mr. Jawleyford, of Jawleyford Court, in
+----shire. Jawleyford was a great humbug. He was a fine, off-hand,
+open-hearted, cheery sort of fellow, who was always delighted to see you,
+would start at the view, and stand with open arms in the middle of the
+street, as though quite overjoyed at the meeting. Though he never gave
+dinners, nor anything where he was, he asked everybody, at least everybody
+who did give them, to visit him at Jawleyford Court. If a man was fond of
+fishing, he must come to Jawleyford Court, he must, indeed; he would take
+no refusal, he wouldn't leave him alone till he promised. He would show him
+such fishing--no waters in the world to compare with his. The Shannon and
+the Tweed were not to be spoken of in the same day as his waters in the
+Swiftley.
+
+Shooting, the same way. 'By Jove! are you a shooter? Well, I'm delighted to
+hear it. Well, now, we shall be at home all September, and up to the middle
+of October, and you must just come to us at your own time, and I will give
+you some of the finest partridge and pheasant shooting you ever saw in your
+life; Norfolk can show nothing to what I can. Now, my good fellow, say the
+word; _do_ say you'll come, and then it will be a settled thing, and I
+shall look forward to it with such pleasure!'
+
+He was equally magnanimous about hunting, though, like a good many people
+who have 'had their hunts,' he pretended that his day was over, though he
+was a most zealous promoter of the sport. So he asked everybody who did
+hunt to come and see him; and what with his hearty, affable manner, and the
+unlimited nature of his invitations, he generally passed for a deuced
+hospitable, good sort of fellow, and came in for no end of dinners and
+other entertainments for his wife and daughters, of which he had
+two--daughters, we mean, not wives. His time was about up at Laverick Wells
+when Mr. Sponge arrived there; nevertheless, during the few days that
+remained to them, Mr. Jawleyford contrived to scrape a pretty intimate
+acquaintance with a gentleman whose wealth was reported to equal, if it did
+not exceed, that of Mr. Waffles himself. The following was the closing
+scene between them:
+
+[Illustration: Jawleyford of Jawleyford Court]
+
+'Mr. Sponge,' said he, getting our hero by both hands in Culeyford's
+Billiard Room, and shaking them as though he could not bear the idea of
+separation; 'my dear Mr. Sponge,' added he, 'I grieve to say we're going
+to-morrow; I had hoped to have stayed a little longer, and to have enjoyed
+the pleasure of your most agreeable society.' (This was true; he would have
+stayed, only his banker wouldn't let him have any more money.) 'But,
+however, I won't say adieu,' continued he; 'no, I _won't_ say adieu! I
+live, as you perhaps know, in one of the best hunting countries in
+England--my Lord Scamperdale's--Scamperdale and I are like brothers; I can
+do whatever I like with him--he has, I may say, the finest pack of hounds
+in the world; his huntsman, Jack Frostyface, I really believe, cannot be
+surpassed. Come, then, my dear fellow,' continued Mr. Jawleyford,
+increasing the grasp and shake of the hands, and looking most earnestly in
+Sponge's face, as if deprecating a refusal; 'come, then, my dear fellow,
+and see us; we will do whatever we can to entertain and make you
+comfortable. Scamperdale shall keep our side of the country till you come;
+there are capital stables at Lucksford, close to the station, and you shall
+have a stall for your hack at Jawleyford, and a man to look after him, if
+you like; so now, don't say nay--your time shall be ours--we shall be at
+home all the rest of the winter, and I flatter myself, if you once come
+down, you will be inclined to repeat your visit; at least, I hope so.'
+
+There are two common sayings; one, 'that birds of a feather flock
+together'; the other, 'that two of a trade never agree'; which often seem
+to us to contradict each other in the actual intercourse of life. Humbugs
+certainly have the knack of drawing together, and yet they are always
+excellent friends, and will vouch for the goodness of each other in a way
+that few straight-forward men think it worth their while to adopt with
+regard to indifferent people. Indeed, humbugs are not always content to
+defend their absent brother humbugs when they hear them abused, but they
+will frequently lug each other in neck and crop, apparently for no other
+purpose than that of proclaiming what excellent fellows they are, and see
+if anybody will take up the cudgels against them.
+
+Mr. Sponge, albeit with a considerable cross of the humbug himself, and one
+who perfectly understood the usual worthlessness of general invitations,
+was yet so taken with Mr. Jawleyford's hail-fellow-well-met, earnest sort
+of manner, that, adopting the convenient and familiar solution in such
+matters, that there is no rule without an exception, concluded that Mr.
+Jawleyford was the exception, and really meant what he said.
+
+Independently of the attractions offered by hunting, which were both strong
+and cogent, we have said there were two young ladies, to whom fame attached
+the enormous fortunes common in cases where there is a large property and
+no sons. Still Sponge was a wary bird, and his experience of the
+worthlessness of most general invitations made him think it just possible
+that it might not suit Mr. Jawleyford to receive him now, at the particular
+time he wanted to go; so after duly considering the case, and also the
+impressive nature of the invitation, so recently given, too, he determined
+not to give Jawleyford the chance of refusing him, but just to say he was
+coming, and drop down upon him before he could say 'no.' Accordingly, he
+penned the following epistle:
+
+    'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND-STREET, LONDON.
+
+    'DEAR JAWLEYFORD,
+
+'I purpose being with you to-morrow, by the express train, which I see, by
+Bradshaw, arrives at Lucksford a quarter to three. I shall only bring two
+hunters and a hack, so perhaps you could oblige me by taking them in for
+the short time I shall stay, as it would not be convenient for me to
+separate them. Hoping to find Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies well, I
+remain, dear sir,'
+
+    'Yours very truly,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'To--JAWLEYFORD, Esq., Jawleyford Court, Lucksford.'
+
+'Curse the fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, nearly choking himself with a
+fish bone, as he opened and read the foregoing at breakfast. 'Curse the
+fellow!' he repeated, stamping the letter under foot, as though he would
+crush it to atoms. 'Who ever saw such a piece of impudence as that!'
+
+'What's the matter, my dear?' inquired Mrs. Jawleyford, alarmed lest it was
+her dunning jeweller writing again.
+
+'Matter!' shrieked Jawleyford, in a tone that sounded through the thick
+wall of the room, and caused the hobbling old gardener on the terrace to
+peep in at the heavy-mullioned window. 'Matter!' repeated he, as though he
+had got his _coup de grace_; 'look there,' added he, handing over the
+letter.
+
+'Oh, my dear,' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford soothingly, as soon as she saw it
+was not what she expected. 'Oh, my dear, I'm sure there's nothing to make
+you put yourself so much out of the way.' 'No!' roared Jawleyford,
+determined not to be done out of his grievance. 'No!' repeated he; 'do you
+call that nothing?'
+
+'Why, nothing to make yourself unhappy about,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford,
+rather pleased than otherwise; for she was glad it was not from Rings, the
+jeweller, and, moreover, hated the monotony of Jawleyford Court, and was
+glad of anything to relieve it. If she had had her own way, she would have
+gadded about at watering-places all the year round.
+
+'Well,' said Jawleyford, with a toss of the head and a shrug of
+resignation, 'you'll have me in gaol; I see that.'
+
+'Nay, my dear J.,' rejoined his wife, soothingly; 'I'm sure you've plenty
+of money.'
+
+'Have I!' ejaculated Jawleyford. 'Do you suppose, if I had, I'd have left
+Laverick Wells without paying Miss Bustlebey, or given a bill at three
+months for the house-rent?'
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you've nothing to do but tell Mr. Screwemtight to get
+you some money from the tenants.'
+
+'Money from the tenants!' replied Mr. Jawleyford. 'Screwemtight tells me he
+can't get another farthing from any man on the estate.'
+
+'Oh, pooh!' said Mrs. Jawleyford; 'you're far too good to them. I always
+say Screwemtight looks far more to their interest than he does to yours.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jawleyford, we may observe, was one of the rather numerous race of
+paper-booted, pen-and-ink landowners. He always dressed in the country as
+he would in St. James's Street, and his communications with his tenantry
+were chiefly confined to dining with them twice a year in the great
+entrance-hall, after Mr. Screwemtight had eased them of their cash in the
+steward's room. Then Mr. Jawleyford would shine forth the very
+impersonification of what a landlord ought to be. Dressed in the height of
+the fashion, as if by his clothes to give the lie to his words, he would
+expatiate on the delights of such meetings of equality; declare that, next
+to those spent with his family, the only really happy moments of his life
+were those when he was surrounded by his tenantry; he doated on the manly
+character of the English farmer. Then he would advert to the great
+antiquity of the Jawleyford family, many generations of whom looked down
+upon them from the walls of the old hall; some on their war-steeds, some
+armed _cap-a-pie_, some in court-dresses, some in Spanish ones, one in a
+white dress with gold brocade breeches and a hat with an enormous plume,
+old Jawleyford (father of the present one) in the Windsor uniform, and our
+friend himself, the very prototype of what then stood before them. Indeed,
+he had been painted in the act of addressing his hereditary chawbacons in
+the hall in which the picture was suspended. There he stood, with his
+bright auburn hair (now rather badger-pied, perhaps, but still very
+passable by candlelight)--his bright auburn hair, we say, swept boldly off
+his lofty forehead, his hazy grey eyes flashing with the excitement of
+drink and animation, his left hand reposing on the hip of his well-fitting
+black pantaloons, while the right one, radiant with rings, and trimmed with
+upturned wristband, sawed the air, as he rounded off the periods of the
+well-accustomed saws.
+
+Jawleyford, like a good many people, was very hospitable when in full
+fig--two soups, two fishes, and the necessary concomitants; but he would
+see any one far enough before he would give him a dinner merely because he
+wanted one. That sort of ostentatious banqueting has about brought country
+society in general to a deadlock. People tire of the constant revision of
+plate, linen, and china.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford, on the other hand, was a very rough-and-ready sort of
+woman, never put out of her way; and though she constantly preached the old
+doctrine that girls 'are much better single than married,' she was always
+on the look-out for opportunities of contradicting her assertions.
+
+She was an Irish lady, with a pedigree almost as long as Jawleyford's, but
+more compressible pride, and if she couldn't get a duke, she would take a
+marquis or an earl, or even put up with a rich commoner.
+
+The perusal, therefore, of Sponge's letter, operated differently upon her
+to what it did upon her husband, and though she would have liked a little
+more time, perhaps, she did not care to take him as they were. Jawleyford,
+however, resisted violently. It would be most particularly inconvenient to
+him to receive company at that time. If Mr. Sponge had gone through the
+whole three hundred and sixty-five days in the year, he could not have hit
+upon a more inconvenient one for him. Besides, he had no idea of people
+writing in that sort of a way, saying they were coming, without giving him
+the chance of saying no. 'Well, but, my dear, I dare say you asked him,'
+observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+Jawleyford was silent, the scene in the billiard-room recurring to his
+mind.
+
+'I've often told you, my dear,' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, kindly, 'that
+you shouldn't be so free with your invitations if you don't want people to
+come; things are very different now to what they were in the old coaching
+and posting days, when it took a day and a night and half the next day to
+get here, and I don't know how much money besides. You might then invite
+people with safety, but it is very different now, when they have nothing to
+do but put themselves into the express train and whisk down in a few
+hours.'
+
+'Well, but, confound him, I didn't ask his horses,' exclaimed Jawleyford;
+'nor will I have them either,' continued he, with a jerk of the head, as he
+got up and rang the bell, as though determined to put a stop to that at all
+events.
+
+'Samuel,' said he, to the dirty page of a boy who answered the summons,
+'tell John Watson to go down to the Railway Tavern directly, and desire
+them to get a three-stalled stable ready for a gentleman's horses that are
+coming to-day--a gentleman of the name of Sponge,' added he, lest any one
+else should chance to come and usurp them--'and tell John to meet the
+express train, and tell the gentleman's groom where it is.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+True to a minute, the hissing engine drew the swiftly gliding train beneath
+the elegant and costly station at Lucksford--an edifice presenting a rare
+contrast to the wretched old red-tiled, five-windowed house, called the Red
+Lion, where a brandy-faced blacksmith of a landlord used to emerge from
+the adjoining smithy, to take charge of any one who might arrive per coach
+for that part of the country. Mr. Sponge was quickly on the platform,
+seeing to the detachment of his horse-box.
+
+Just as the cavalry was about got into marching order, up rode John Watson,
+a ragamuffin-looking gamekeeper, in a green plush coat, with a very
+tarnished laced hat, mounted on a very shaggy white pony, whose hide seemed
+quite impervious to the visitations of a heavily-knotted dogwhip, with
+which he kept saluting his shoulders and sides.
+
+'Please, sir,' said he, riding up to Mr. Sponge, with a touch of the old
+hat, 'I've got you a capital three-stall stable at the Railway Tavern,
+here,' pointing to a newly built brick house standing on the rising ground.
+
+'Oh! but I'm going to Jawleyford Court,' responded our friend, thinking the
+man was the 'tout' of the tavern.
+
+'Mr. Jawleyford don't take in horses, sir,' rejoined the man, with another
+touch of the hat.
+
+'He'll take in _mine_,' observed Mr. Sponge, with an air of authority.
+
+'Oh, I beg pardon, sir,' replied the keeper, thinking he had made a
+mistake; 'it was Mr. Sponge whose horses I had to bespeak stalls for,'
+touching his hat profusely as he spoke.
+
+'Well, _this_ be Mister Sponge,' observed Leather, who had been listening
+attentively to what passed.
+
+''Deed!' said the keeper, again turning to our hero with an 'I beg pardon,
+sir, but the stable _is_ for you then, sir--for Mr. Sponge, sir.'
+
+'How do you know that?' demanded our friend.
+
+''Cause Mr. Spigot, the butler, says to me, says he, "Mr. Watson," says
+he--my name's Watson, you see,' continued the speaker, sawing away at his
+hat, 'my name's Watson, you see, and I'm the head gamekeeper. "Mr. Watson,"
+says he, "you must go down to the tavern and order a three-stall stable for
+a gentleman of the name of Sponge, whose horses are a comin' to-day"; and
+in course I've come 'cordingly,' added Watson. 'A _three_-stall'd stable!'
+observed Mr. Sponge, with an emphasis.
+
+'A three-stall'd stable,' repeated Mr. Watson.
+
+'Confound him, but he said he'd take in a hack at all events,' observed
+Sponge, with a sideway shake of the head; 'and a hack he _shall_ take in,
+too' he added. 'Are your stables full at Jawleyford Court?' he asked.
+
+''Ord bless you, no, sir,' replied Watson with a leer; 'there's nothin' in
+them but a couple of weedy hacks and a pair of old worn-out
+carriage-horses.'
+
+'Then I can get this hack taken in, at all events,' observed Sponge, laying
+his hand on the neck of the piebald as he spoke.
+
+'Why, as to that,' replied Mr. Watson, with a shake of the head, 'I can't
+say nothin'.'
+
+'I must, though,' rejoined Sponge, tartly; 'he _said_ he'd take in my hack,
+or I wouldn't have come.'
+
+'Well, sir,' observed the keeper, 'you know best, sir.'
+
+'Confounded screw!' muttered Sponge, turning away to give his orders to
+Leather. 'I'll _work_ him for it,' he added. 'He sha'n't get rid of _me_ in
+a hurry--at least, not unless I can get a better billet elsewhere.'
+
+Having arranged the parting with Leather, and got a cart to carry his
+things, Mr. Sponge mounted the piebald, and put himself under the guidance
+of Watson to be conducted to his destination. The first part of the journey
+was performed in silence, Mr. Sponge not being particularly well pleased at
+the reception his request to have his horses taken in had met with. This
+silence he might perhaps have preserved throughout had it not occurred to
+him that he might pump something out of the servant about the family he was
+going to visit.
+
+'That's not a bad-like old cob of yours,' he observed, drawing rein so as
+to let the shaggy white come alongside of him.
+
+'He belies his looks, then,' replied Watson, with a grin of his cadaverous
+face, 'for he's just as bad a beast as ever looked through a bridle. It's a
+parfect disgrace to a gentleman to put a man on such a beast.'
+
+Sponge saw the sort of man he had got to deal with, and proceeded
+accordingly.
+
+'Have you lived long with Mr. Jawleyford?' he asked.
+
+'No, nor will I, if I can help it,' replied Watson, with another grin and
+another touch of the old hat. Touching his hat was about the only piece of
+propriety he was up to.
+
+'What, he's not a brick, then?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Mean man,' replied Watson with a shake of the head; 'mean man,' he
+repeated. 'You're nowise connected with the fam'ly, I s'pose?' he asked
+with a look of suspicion lest he might be committing himself.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge; 'no; merely an acquaintance. We met at Laverick
+Wells, and he pressed me to come and see him.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Watson, feeling at ease again.
+
+'Who did you live with before you came here?' asked Mr. Sponge, after a
+pause.
+
+'I lived many years--the greater part of my life, indeed--with Sir Harry
+Swift. _He_ was a _real_ gentleman now, if you like--free, open-handed
+gentleman--none of your close-shavin', cheese-parin' sort of gentlemen, or
+imitation gentlemen, as I calls them, but a man who knew what was due to
+good servants and gave them it. We had good wages, and all the proper
+"reglars." Bless you, I could sell a new suit of clothes there every year,
+instead of having to wear the last keeper's cast-offs, and a hat that would
+disgrace anything but a flay-crow. If the linin' wasn't stuffed full of
+gun-waddin' it would be over my nose,' he observed, taking it off and
+adjusting the layer of wadding as he spoke.
+
+'You should have stuck to Sir Harry,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I did,' rejoined Watson. 'I did, I stuck to him to the last. I'd have been
+with him now, only he couldn't get a manor at Boulogne, and a keeper was of
+no use without one.'
+
+'What, he went to Boulogne, did he?' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Aye, the more's the pity,' replied Watson. 'He was a gentleman, every inch
+of him,' he added, with a shake of the head and a sigh, as if recurring to
+more prosperous times. 'He was what a gentleman ought to be,' he continued,
+'not one of your poor, pryin', inquisitive critturs, what's always fancyin'
+themselves cheated. I ordered everything in my department, and paid for it
+too; and never had a bill disputed or even commented on. I might have
+charged for a ton of powder, and never had nothin' said.'
+
+'Mr. Jawleyford's not likely to find his way to Boulogne, I suppose?'
+observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Not he!' exclaimed Watson, 'not he!--safe bird--_very_.'
+
+'He's rich, I suppose?' continued Sponge, with an air of indifference.
+
+'Why, _I_ should say he was; though others say he's not,' replied Watson,
+cropping the old pony with the dog-whip, as it nearly fell on its nose. 'He
+can't fail to be rich, with all his property; though they're desperate
+hands for gaddin' about; always off to some waterin'-place or another,
+lookin' for husbands, I suppose. I wonder,' he continued, 'that gentlemen
+can't settle at home, and amuse themselves with coursin' and shootin'.' Mr.
+Watson, like many servants, thinking that the bulk of a gentleman's income
+should be spent in promoting the particular sport over which they preside.
+
+With this and similar discourse, they beguiled the short distance between
+the station and the Court--a distance, however, that looked considerably
+greater after the flying rapidity of the rail. But for these occasional
+returns to _terra firma_, people would begin to fancy themselves birds.
+After rounding a large but gently swelling hill, over the summit of which
+the road, after the fashion of old roads, led, our traveller suddenly
+looked down upon the wide vale of Sniperdown, with Jawleyford Court
+glittering with a bright open aspect, on a fine, gradual elevation, above
+the broad, smoothly gliding river. A clear atmosphere, indicative either of
+rain or frost, disclosed a vast tract of wild, flat, ill-cultivated-looking
+country to the south, little interrupted by woods or signs of population;
+the whole losing itself, as it were, in an indistinct grey outline,
+commingling with the fleecy white clouds in the distance.
+
+'Here we be,' observed Watson, with a nod towards where a tarnished
+red-and-gold flag, floated, or rather flapped lazily in the winter's
+breeze, above an irregular mass of towers, turrets, and odd-shaped
+chimneys.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jawleyford Court was a fine old mansion, partaking more of the character of
+a castle than a Court, with its keep and towers, battlements, heavily
+grated mullioned windows, and machicolated gallery. It stood, sombre and
+grey, in the midst of gigantic but now leafless sycamores--trees that had
+to thank themselves for being sycamores; for, had they been oaks, or other
+marketable wood, they would have been made into bonnets or shawls long
+before now. The building itself was irregular, presenting different sorts
+of architecture, from pure Gothic down to some even perfectly modern
+buildings; still, viewed as a whole, it was massive and imposing; and as
+Mr. Sponge looked down upon it, he thought far more of Jawleyford and Co.
+than he did as the mere occupants of a modest, white-stuccoed,
+green-verandahed house, at Laverick Wells. Nor did his admiration diminish
+as he advanced, and, crossing by a battlemented bridge over the moat, he
+viewed the massive character of the buildings rising grandly from their
+rocky foundation. An imposing, solemn-toned old clock began striking four,
+as the horsemen rode under the Gothic portico, whose notes re-echoed and
+reverberated, and at last lost themselves among the towers and pinnacles of
+the building. Sponge, for a moment, was awe-stricken at the magnificence of
+the scene, feeling that it was what he would call 'a good many cuts above
+him'; but he soon recovered his wonted impudence.
+
+'He _would_ have me,' thought he, recalling the pressing nature of the
+Jawleyford invitation.
+
+'If you'll hold my nag,' said Watson, throwing himself off the shaggy
+white, 'I'll ring the bell,' added he, running up a wide flight of steps to
+the hall-door. A riotous peal announced the arrival.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+THE JAWLEYFORD ESTABLISHMENT
+
+
+The loud peal of the Jawleyford Court door-bell, announcing Mr. Sponge's
+arrival, with which we closed the last chapter, found the inhabitants
+variously engaged preparing for his reception.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford, with the aid of a very indifferent cook, was endeavouring
+to arrange a becoming dinner; the young ladies, with the aid of a somewhat
+better sort of maid, were attractifying themselves, each looking with
+considerable jealousy on the efforts of the other; and Mr. Jawleyford was
+trotting from room to room, eyeing the various pictures of himself,
+wondering which was now the most like, and watching the emergence of
+curtains, carpets, and sofas from their brown holland covers.
+
+A gleam of sunshine seemed to reign throughout the mansion; the
+long-covered furniture appearing to have gained freshness by its
+retirement, just as a newly done-up hat surprises the wearer by its
+goodness; a few days, however, soon restores the defects of either.
+
+All these arrangements were suddenly brought to a close by the peal of the
+door-bell, just as the little stage-tinkle of a theatre stops preparation,
+and compels the actors to stand forward as they are. Mrs. Jawleyford threw
+aside her silk apron, and took a hasty glance of her face in the old
+eagle-topped mirror in the still-room; the young ladies discarded their
+coarse dirty pocket-handkerchiefs, and gently drew elaborately fringed ones
+through their taper fingers to give them an air of use, as they took a
+hasty review of themselves in the swing mirrors; the housemaid hurried off
+with a whole armful of brown holland; and Jawleyford threw himself into
+attitude in an elaborately carved, richly cushioned, easy-chair, with a
+Disraeli's _Life of Lord George Bentinck_ in his hand. But Jawleyford's
+thoughts were far from his book. He was sitting on thorns lest there might
+not be a proper guard of honour to receive Mr. Sponge at the entrance.
+
+Jawleyford, as we said before, was not the man to entertain unless he could
+do it 'properly'; and, as we all have our pitch-notes of propriety up to
+which we play, we may state that Jawleyford's note was a butler and two
+footmen. A butler and two footmen he looked upon as perfectly indispensable
+to receiving company. He chose to have two footmen to follow the butler,
+who followed the gentleman to the spacious flight of steps leading from the
+great hall to the portico, as he mounted his horse. The world is governed a
+good deal by appearances. Mr. Jawleyford started life with two most
+unimpeachable Johns. They were nearly six feet high, heads well up, and
+legs that might have done for models for a sculptor. They powdered with the
+greatest propriety, and by two o'clock each day were silk-stockinged and
+pumped in full-dress Jawleyford livery; sky-blue coats with massive silver
+_aiguillettes_, and broad silver seams down the front and round their
+waistcoat-pocket flaps; silver garters at their crimson plush breeches'
+knees: and thus attired, they were ready to turn out with the butler to
+receive visitors, and conduct them back to their carriages. Gradually they
+came down in style, but not in number, and, when Mr. Sponge visited Mr.
+Jawleyford, he had a sort of out-of-door man-of-all-work who metamorphosed
+himself into a second footman at short notice.
+
+'My dear Mr. Sponge!--I am delighted to see you!' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford,
+rising from his easy-chair, and throwing his Disraeli's _Bentinck_ aside,
+as Mr. Spigot, the butler, in a deep, sonorous voice, announced our worthy
+friend. 'This is, indeed, most truly kind of you,' continued Jawleyford,
+advancing to meet him; and getting our friend by both hands, he began
+working his arms up and down like the under man in a saw-pit. 'This is,
+indeed, most truly kind,' he repeated; 'I assure you I shall never forget
+it. It's just what I like--it's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes--it's just
+what we _all_ like--coming without fuss or ceremony. Spigot!' he added,
+hailing old Pomposo as the latter was slowly withdrawing, thinking what a
+humbug his master was--'Spigot!' he repeated in a louder voice; 'let the
+ladies know Mr. Sponge is here. Come to the fire, my dear fellow,'
+continued Jawleyford, clutching his guest by the arm, and drawing him
+towards where an ample grate of indifferent coals was crackling and
+spluttering beneath a magnificent old oak mantelpiece of the richest and
+costliest carved work. 'Come to the fire, my dear fellow,' he repeated,
+'for you feel cold; and I don't wonder at it, for the day is cheerless and
+uncomfortable, and you've had a long ride. Will you take anything before
+dinner?'
+
+'What time do you dine?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing his hands as he spoke.
+
+'Six o'clock,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'six o'clock--say six o'clock--not
+particular to a moment--days are short, you see--days are short.'
+
+'I think I should like a glass of sherry and a biscuit, then,' observed Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+And forthwith the bell was rung, and in due course of time Mr. Spigot
+arrived with a tray, followed by the Miss Jawleyfords, who had rather
+expected Mr. Sponge to be shown into the drawing-room to them, where they
+had composed themselves very prettily; one working a parrot in chenille,
+the other with a lapful of crochet.
+
+The Miss Jawleyfords--Amelia and Emily--were lively girls; hardly
+beauties--at least, not sufficiently so to attract attention in a crowd;
+but still, girls well calculated to 'bring a man to book,' in the country.
+Mr. Thackeray, who bound up all the home truths in circulation, and many
+that exist only in the inner chambers of the heart, calling the whole
+'Vanity Fair,' says, we think (though we don't exactly know where to lay
+hand on the passage), that it is not your real striking beauties who are
+the most dangerous--at all events, that do the most execution--but sly,
+quiet sort of girls, who do not strike the beholder at first sight, but
+steal insensibly upon him as he gets acquainted. The Miss Jawleyfords were
+of this order. Seen in plain morning gowns, a man would meet them in the
+street, without either turning round or making an observation, good, bad,
+or indifferent; but in the close quarters of a country house, with all the
+able assistance of first-rate London dresses, well flounced and set out,
+each bent on doing the agreeable, they became dangerous. The Miss
+Jawleyfords were uncommonly well got up, and Juliana, their mutual maid,
+deserved great credit for the impartiality she displayed in arraying them.
+There wasn't a halfpenny's worth of choice as to which was the best. This
+was the more creditable to the maid, inasmuch as the dresses--sea-green
+glaces--were rather dashed; and the worse they looked, the likelier they
+would be to become her property. Half-dashed dresses, however, that would
+look rather seedy by contrast, come out very fresh in the country,
+especially in winter, when day begins to close in at four. And here we may
+observe, what a dreary time is that which intervenes between the arrival of
+a guest and the dinner hour, in the dead winter months in the country. The
+English are a desperate people for overweighting their conversational
+powers. They have no idea of penning up their small talk, and bringing it
+to bear in generous flow upon one particular hour; but they keep dribbling
+it out throughout the live-long day, wearying their listeners without
+benefiting themselves--just as a careless waggoner scatters his load on the
+road. Few people are insensible to the advantage of having their champagne
+brisk, which can only be done by keeping the cork in; but few ever think of
+keeping the cork of their own conversation in. See a Frenchman--how light
+and buoyant he trips into a drawing-room, fresh from the satisfactory
+scrutiny of the looking-glass, with all the news, and jokes, and
+tittle-tattle of the day, in full bloom! How sparkling and radiant he is,
+with something smart and pleasant to say to every one! How thoroughly happy
+and easy he is; and what a contrast to phlegmatic John Bull, who stands
+with his great red fists doubled, looking as if he thought whoever spoke to
+him would be wanting him to endorse a bill of exchange! But, as we said
+before, the dread hour before dinner is an awful time in the
+country--frightful when there are two hours, and never a subject in common
+for the company to work upon. Laverick Wells and their mutual acquaintance
+was all Sponge and Jawleyford's stock-in-trade; and that was a very small
+capital to begin upon, for they had been there together too short a time to
+make much of a purse of conversation. Even the young ladies, with their
+inquiries after the respective flirtations--how Miss Sawney and Captain
+Snubnose were 'getting on'? and whether the rich Widow Spankley was likely
+to bring Sir Thomas Greedey to book?--failed to make up a conversation; for
+Sponge knew little of the ins and outs of these matters, his attention
+having been more directed to Mr. Waffles than any one else. Still, the
+mere questions, put in a playful, womanly way, helped the time on, and
+prevented things coming to that frightful deadlock of silence, that causes
+an involuntary inward exclamation of 'How _am I_ to get through the time
+with this man?' There are people who seem to think that sitting and looking
+at each other constitutes society. Women have a great advantage over men in
+the talking way; they have always something to say. Let a lot of women be
+huddled together throughout the whole of a livelong day, and they will yet
+have such a balance of conversation at night, as to render it necessary to
+convert a bedroom into a clearing-house, to get rid of it. Men, however,
+soon get high and dry, especially before dinner; and a host ought to be at
+liberty to read the Riot Act, and disperse them to their bedrooms, till
+such times as they wanted to eat and drink.
+
+A most scientifically sounded gong, beginning low, like distant thunder,
+and gradually increasing its murmur till it filled the whole mansion with
+its roar, at length relieved all parties from the labour of further
+efforts; and, looking at his watch, Jawleyford asked Mrs. Jawleyford, in an
+innocent, indifferent sort of way, which was Mr. Sponge's room; though he
+had been fussing about it not long before, and dusting the portrait of
+himself in his green-and-gold yeomanry uniform, with an old
+pocket-handkerchief.
+
+'The crimson room, my dear,' replied the well-drilled Mrs. Jawleyford; and
+Spigot coming with candles, Jawleyford preceded 'Mr. Sponge' up a splendid
+richly carved oak staircase, of such gradual and easy rise that an invalid
+might almost have been drawn up it in a garden-chair.
+
+Passing a short distance along a spacious corridor, Mr. Jawleyford
+presently opened a door to the right, and led the way into a large gloomy
+room, with a little newly lighted wood fire crackling in an enormous grate,
+making darkness visible, and drawing the cold out of the walls. We need
+scarcely say it was that terrible room--the best; with three creaking,
+ill-fitting windows, and heavy crimson satin-damask furniture, so old as
+scarcely to be able to sustain its own weight. 'Ah! here you are,'
+observed Mr. Jawleyford, as he nearly tripped over Sponge's luggage as it
+stood by the fire. 'Here you are,' repeated he, giving the candle a
+flourish, to show the size of the room, and draw it back on the portrait of
+himself above the mantelpiece. 'Ah! I declare here's an old picture of
+myself,' said he, holding the candle up to the face, as if he hadn't seen
+it for some time--'a picture that was done when I was in the Bumperkin
+yeomanry,' continued he, passing the light before the facings. 'That was
+considered a good likeness at the time,' said he, looking affectionately at
+it, and feeling his nose to see if it was still the same size. 'Ours was a
+capital corps--one of the best, if not the very best in the service. The
+inspecting officer always spoke of it in the highest possible
+terms--especially of _my_ company, which really was just as perfect as
+anything my Lord Cardigan, or any of your crack disciplinarians, can
+produce. However, never mind,' continued he, lowering the candle, seeing
+Mr. Sponge didn't enter into the spirit of the thing; 'you'll be wanting to
+dress. You'll find hot water on the table yonder,' pointing to the far
+corner of the room, where the outline of a jug might just be descried;
+'there's a bell in the bed if you want anything; and dinner will be ready
+as soon as you are dressed. You needn't make yourself very fine,' added he,
+as he retired; 'for we are only ourselves: hope we shall have some of our
+neighbours to-morrow or next day, but we are rather badly off for
+neighbours just here--at least, for short-notice neighbours.' So saying, he
+disappeared through the dark doorway.
+
+The latter statement was true enough, for Jawleyford, though apparently
+such a fine open-hearted, sociable sort of man, was in reality a very
+quarrelsome, troublesome fellow. He quarrelled with all his neighbours in
+succession, generally getting through them every two or three years; and
+his acquaintance were divided into two classes--the best and the worst
+fellows under the sun. A stranger revising Jawleyford after an absence of a
+year or two, would very likely find the best fellows of former days
+transformed into the worst ones of that. Thus, Parson Hobanob, that pet
+victim of country caprice, would come in and go out of season like lamb or
+asparagus; Major Moustache and Jawleyford would be as 'thick as thieves'
+one day, and at daggers drawn the next; Squire Squaretoes, of Squaretoes
+House, and he, were continually kissing or cutting; and even distance--nine
+miles of bad road, and, of course, heavy tolls--could not keep the peace
+between lawyer Seedywig and him. What between rows and reconciliations,
+Jawleyford was always at work.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE DINNER
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Notwithstanding Jawleyford's recommendation to the contrary, Mr. Sponge
+made himself an uncommon swell. He put on a desperately stiff starcher,
+secured in front with a large gold fox-head pin with carbuncle eyes; a
+fine, fancy-fronted shirt, with a slight tendency to pink, adorned with
+mosaic-gold-tethered studs of sparkling diamonds (or French paste, as the
+case might be); a white waistcoat with fancy buttons; a blue coat with
+bright plain ones, and a velvet collar, black tights, with broad
+black-and-white Cranbourne-alley-looking stockings (socks rather), and
+patent leather pumps with gilt buckles--Sponge was proud of his leg. The
+young ladies, too, turned out rather smart; for Amelia, finding that Emily
+was going to put on her new yellow watered silk, instead of a dyed satin
+she had talked of, made Juliana produce her broad-laced blue satin dress
+out of the wardrobe in the green dressing-room, where it had been laid away
+in an old tablecloth; and bound her dark hair with a green-beaded wreath,
+which Emily met by crowning herself with a chaplet of white roses.
+
+Thus attired, with smiles assumed at the door, the young ladies entered the
+drawing-room in the full fervour of sisterly animosity. They were very much
+alike in size, shape, and face. They were tallish and full-figured. Miss
+Jawleyford's features being rather more strongly marked, and her eyes a
+shade darker than her sister's; while there was a sort of subdued air about
+her--the result, perhaps, of enlarged intercourse with the world--or maybe
+of disappointments. Emily's eyes sparkled and glittered, without knowing
+perhaps why.
+
+Dinner was presently announced. It was of the imposing order that people
+give their friends on a first visit, as though their appetites were larger
+on that day than on any other. They dined off plate; the sideboards
+glittered with the Jawleyford arms on cups, tankards, and salvers;
+'Brecknel and Turner's' flamed and swealed in profusion on the table; while
+every now and then an expiring lamp on the sideboards or brackets
+proclaimed the unwonted splendour of the scene, and added a flavour to the
+repast not contemplated by the cook. The room, which was large and lofty,
+being but rarely used, had a cold, uncomfortable feel; and, if it hadn't
+been for the looks of the thing, Jawleyford would, perhaps, as soon that
+they had dined in the little breakfast parlour. Still there was everything
+very smart; Spigot in full fig, with a shirt frill nearly tickling his
+nose, an acre of white waistcoat, and glorious calves swelling within his
+gauze-silk stockings. The improvised footman went creaking about, as such
+gentlemen generally do.
+
+The style was perhaps better than the repast: still they had turtle-soup
+(Shell and Tortoise, to be sure, but still turtle-soup); while the wines
+were supplied by the well-known firm of 'Wintle & Co.' Jawleyford sank
+where he got it, and pretended that it had been 'ages' in his cellar: 'he
+really had such a stock that he thought he should never get through it'--to
+wit, two dozen old port at 36_s._ a dozen, and one dozen at 48_s._; two
+dozen pale sherry at 36_s._, and one dozen brown ditto at 48_s._; three
+bottles of Bucellas, of the 'finest quality imported,' at 38_s._ a dozen;
+Lisbon 'rich and dry,' at 32_s._; and some marvellous creaming champagne at
+48_s._, in which they were indulging when he made the declaration: 'don't
+wait of me, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, holding up a long
+needle-case of a glass with the Jawleyford crests emblazoned about; 'don't
+wait of me, pray,' repeated he, as Spigot finished dribbling the froth into
+Sponge's glass; and Jawleyford, with a flourishing bow and waive of his
+empty needle-case, drank Mr. Sponge's very good health, adding, 'I'm
+_extremely_ happy to see you at Jawleyford Court.'
+
+It was then Jawleyford's turn to have a little froth; and having sucked it
+up with the air of a man drinking nectar, he set down his glass with a
+shake of the head, saying:
+
+'There's no such wine as that to be got now-a-days.'
+
+'Capital wine!--Excellent!' exclaimed Sponge, who was a better judge of ale
+than of champagne. 'Pray, where might you get it?'
+
+'Impossible to say!--Impossible to say!' replied Jawleyford, throwing up
+his hands with a shake, and shrugging his shoulders. 'I have such a stock
+of wine as is really quite ridiculous.'
+
+'_Quite_ ridiculous,' thought Spigot, who, by the aid of a false key, had
+been through the cellar.
+
+Except the 'Shell and Tortoise' and 'Wintle,' the estate supplied the
+repast. The carp was out of the home-pond; the tench, or whatever it was,
+was out of the mill-pond; the mutton was from the farm; the
+carrot-and-turnip-and-beet-bedaubed stewed beef was from ditto; while the
+garden supplied the vegetables that luxuriated in the massive silver
+side-dishes. Watson's gun furnished the old hare and partridges that opened
+the ball of the second course; and tarts, jellies, preserves, and custards
+made their usual appearances. Some first-growth Chateaux Margaux 'Wintle,'
+again at 66_s._, in very richly cut decanters accompanied the old 36_s._
+port; and apples, pears, nuts, figs, preserved fruits, occupied the
+splendid green-and-gold dessert set. Everything, of course, was handed
+about--an ingenious way of tormenting a person that has 'dined.' The
+ladies sat long, Mrs. Jawleyford taking three glasses of port (when she
+could get it); and it was a quarter to eight when they rose from the table.
+
+Jawleyford then moved an adjournment to the fire; which Sponge gladly
+seconded, for he had never been warm since he came into the house, the heat
+from the fires seeming to go up the chimneys. Spigot set them a little
+round table, placing the port and claret upon it, and bringing them a plate
+of biscuits in lieu of the dessert. He then reduced the illumination on the
+table, and extinguished such of the lamps as had not gone out of
+themselves. Having cast an approving glance around, and seen that they had
+what he considered right, he left them to their own devices.
+
+'Do you drink port or claret, Mr. Sponge?' asked Jawleyford, preparing to
+push whichever he preferred over to him.
+
+'I'll take a little port, _first_, if you please,' replied our friend--as
+much as to say, 'I'll finish off with claret.'
+
+'You'll find that very good, I expect,' said Mr. Jawleyford, passing the
+bottle to him; 'it's '20 wine--very rare wine to get now--was a very rich
+fruity wine, and was a long time before it came into drinking. Connoisseurs
+would give any money for it.'
+
+'It has still a good deal of body,' observed Sponge, turning off a glass
+and smacking his lips, at the same time holding the glass up to the candle
+to see the oily mark it made on the side.
+
+'Good sound wine--good sound wine,' said Mr. Jawleyford. 'Have plenty
+lighter, if you like.' The light wine was made by watering the strong.
+
+'Oh no, thank you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no, thank you. I like good
+strong military port.'
+
+'So do I,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'so do I; only unfortunately it doesn't
+like me--am obliged to drink claret. When I was in the Bumperkin yeomanry
+we drank nothing but port.' And then Jawleyford diverged into a long
+rambling dissertation on messes and cavalry tactics, which nearly sent Mr.
+Sponge asleep.
+
+'Where did you say the hounds are to-morrow?' at length asked he, after Mr.
+Jawleyford had talked himself out.
+
+'To-morrow,' repeated Mr. Jawleyford, thoughtfully, 'to-morrow--they don't
+hunt to-morrow--not one of their days--next day. Scrambleford
+Green--Scrambleford Green--no, no, I'm wrong--Dundleton Tower--Dundleton
+Tower.'
+
+'How far is that from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, ten miles--say ten miles,' replied Mr. Jawleyford. It was sometimes
+ten, and sometimes fifteen, depending upon whether Mr. Jawleyford wanted
+the party to go or not. These elastic places, however, are common in all
+countries--to sight-seers as well as to hunters. 'Close by--close by,' one
+day. 'Oh! a lo-o-ng way from here,' another.
+
+It is difficult, for parties who have nothing in common, to drive a
+conversation, especially when each keeps jibbing to get upon a private
+subject of his own. Jawleyford was all for sounding Sponge as to where he
+came from, and the situation of his property; for as yet, it must be
+remembered, he knew nothing of our friend, save what he had gleaned at
+Laverick Wells, where certainly all parties concurred in placing him high
+on the list of 'desirables,' while Sponge wanted to talk about hunting, the
+meets of the hounds, and hear what sort of a man Lord Scamperdale was. So
+they kept playing at cross-purposes, without either getting much out of the
+other. Jawleyford's intimacy with Lord Scamperdale seemed to have
+diminished with propinquity, for he now no longer talked of
+him--'Scamperdale this, and Scamperdale that--Scamperdale, with whom he
+could do anything he liked'; but he called him 'My Lord Scamperdale,' and
+spoke of him in a reverent and becoming way. Distance often lends boldness
+to the tongue, as the poet Campbell says it:
+
+          Lends enchantment to the view,
+    And robes the mountain in its azure hue.
+
+There are few great men who haven't a dozen people, at least, who 'keep
+them right,' as they call it. To hear some of the creatures talk, one
+would fancy a lord was a lunatic as a matter of course.
+
+Spigot at last put an end to their efforts by announcing that 'tea and
+coffee were ready!' just as Mr. Sponge buzzed his bottle of port. They then
+adjourned from the gloom of the large oak-wainscoted dining-room, to the
+effulgent radiance of the well-lit, highly gilt, drawing-room, where our
+fair friends had commenced talking Mr. Sponge over as soon as they retired
+from the dining-room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+THE TEA
+
+
+'And what do you think of _him_?' asked mamma.
+
+'Oh, I think he's very well,' replied Emily gaily.
+
+'I should say he was very _toor_-lerable,' drawled Miss Jawleyford, who
+reckoned herself rather a judge, and indeed had had some experience of
+gentlemen.
+
+'_Tolerable_, my dear!' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford, 'I should say he's very
+well--rather _distingue_, indeed.'
+
+'I shouldn't say _that_,' replied Miss Jawleyford; 'his height and figure
+are certainly in his favour, but he isn't quite my idea of a gentleman. He
+is evidently on good terms with himself; but I should say, if it wasn't for
+his forwardness, he'd be awkward and uneasy.'
+
+'He's a fox-hunter, you know,' observed Emily.
+
+'Well, but I don't know that that should make him different to other
+people,' rejoined her sister. 'Captain Curzon, and Mr. Lancaster, and Mr.
+Preston, were all fox-hunters; but they didn't stare, and blurt, and kick
+their legs about, as this man does.'
+
+'Oh, you are so fastidious!' rejoined her mamma; 'you must take men as you
+find them.'
+
+'I wonder where he lives?' observed Emily, who was quite ready to take our
+friend as he was.
+
+'I wonder where he _does_ live?' chimed in Mrs. Jawleyford, for the
+suddenness of the descent had given them no time for inquiry. 'Somebody
+said Manchester,' observed Miss Jawleyford drily.
+
+'So much the better,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, 'for then he is sure to
+have plenty of money.'
+
+'Law, ma! but you don't s'pose pa would ever allow such a thing,' retorted
+Miss, recollecting her papa's frequent exhortations to them to look high.
+
+'If he's a landowner,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford 'we'll soon find him out in
+_Burke_. Emily, my dear,' added she, 'just go into your pa's room, and
+bring me the _Commoners_--you'll find it on the large table between the
+_Peerage_ and the _Wellington Despatches_.'
+
+Emily tripped away to do as she was bid. The fair messenger presently
+returned, bearing both volumes, richly bound and lettered, with the
+Jawleyford crests studded down the backs, and an immense coat of arms on
+the side.
+
+A careful search among the S's produced nothing in the shape of Sponge.
+
+'Not likely, I should think,' observed Miss Jawleyford, with a toss of her
+head, as her mamma announced the fact.
+
+'Well, never mind,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, seeing that only one of the
+girls could have him, and that one was quite ready; 'never mind, I dare say
+I shall be able to find out something from himself,' and so they dropped
+the subject.
+
+In due time in swaggered our hero, himself, kicking his legs about as men
+in tights or tops generally do.
+
+'May I give you tea or coffee?' asked Emily, in the sweetest tone possible,
+as she raised her finely turned gloveless arm towards where the glittering
+appendages stood on the large silver tray.
+
+'Neither, thank you,' said Sponge, throwing himself into an easy-chair
+beside Mrs. Jawleyford. He then crossed his legs, and cocking up a toe for
+admiration, began to yawn.
+
+'You feel tired after your journey?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'No, I'm not,' said Sponge, yawning again--a good yawn this time.
+
+Miss Jawleyford looked significantly at her sister--a long pause ensued.
+'I knew a family of your name,' at length observed Mrs. Jawleyford, in the
+simple sort of way women begin pumping men. 'I knew a family of your name,'
+repeated she, seeing Sponge was half asleep--'the Sponges of Toadey Hall.
+Pray are they any relation of yours?'
+
+'Oh--ah--yes,' blurted Sponge: 'I suppose they are. The fact
+is--the--haw--Sponges--haw--are a rather large family--haw. Meet them
+almost everywhere.'
+
+'You don't live in the same county, perhaps?' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'No, we don't,' replied he, with a yawn.
+
+'Is yours a good hunting country?' asked Jawleyford, thinking to sound him
+in another way.
+
+'No; a devilish bad 'un,' replied Sponge, adding with a grunt, 'or I
+wouldn't be here.'
+
+'Who hunts it?' asked Mr. Jawleyford.
+
+'Why, as to that--haw,'--replied Sponge, stretching out his arms and legs
+to their fullest extent, and yawning most vigorously--'why, as to that, I
+can hardly say which you would call my country, for I have to do with so
+many; but I should say, of all the countries I am--haw--connected
+with--haw--Tom Scratch's is the worst.'
+
+Mr. Jawleyford looked at Mrs. Jawleyford as a counsel who thinks he has
+made a grand hit looks at a jury before he sits down, and said no more.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford looked as innocent as most jurymen do after one of these
+forensic exploits.--Mr. Sponge beginning his nasal recreations, Mrs.
+Jawleyford motioned the ladies off to bed--Mr. Sponge and his host
+presently followed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+THE EVENING'S REFLECTIONS
+
+
+'Well, I think he'll do,' said our friend to himself, as having reached his
+bedroom, in accordance with modern fashion, he applied a cedar match to the
+now somewhat better burnt-up fire, for the purpose of lighting a cigar--a
+cigar! in the state-bedroom of Jawleyford Court. Having divested himself
+of his smart blue coat and white waistcoat, and arrayed himself in a grey
+dressing-gown, he adjusted the loose cushions of a recumbent chair, and
+soused himself into its luxurious depths for a 'think over.'
+
+'He has money,' mused Sponge, between the copious whiffs of the cigar,
+'splendid style he lives in, to be sure' (puff), continued he, after
+another long draw, as he adjusted the ash at the end of the cigar. 'Two men
+in livery' (puff), 'one out, can't be done for nothing' (puff). 'What a
+profusion of plate, too!' (whiff)--'declare I never' (puff) 'saw such'
+(whiff, puff) 'magnificence in the whole course of my' (whiff, puff)
+'life.'
+
+The cigar being then well under way, he sucked and puffed and whiffed in an
+apparently vacant stupor, his legs crossed, and his eyes fixed on a
+projecting coal between the lower bars, as if intent on watching the
+alternations of flame and gas; though in reality he was running all the
+circumstances through his mind, comparing them with his past experience,
+and speculating on the probable result of the present adventure.
+
+He had seen a good deal of service in the matrimonial wars, and was
+entitled to as many bars as the most distinguished peninsular veteran. No
+woman with money, or the reputation of it, ever wanted an offer while he
+was in the way, for he would accommodate her at the second or third
+interview: and always pressed for an immediate fulfilment, lest the 'cursed
+lawyers' should interfere and interrupt their felicity. Somehow or other,
+the 'cursed lawyers' always had interfered; and as sure as they walked in,
+Mr. Sponge walked out. He couldn't bear the idea of their coarse,
+inquisitive inquiries. He was too much of a gentleman!
+
+    Love, light as air, at sight of human ties
+    Spreads his light wings and in a moment flies.
+
+So Mr. Sponge fled, consoling himself with the reflection that there was no
+harm done, and hoping for 'better luck next time.'
+
+He roved from flower to flower like a butterfly, touching here, alighting
+there, but always passing away with apparent indifference. He knew if he
+couldn't square matters at short notice, he would have no better chance
+with an extension of time; so, if he saw things taking the direction of
+inquiry he would just laugh the offer off, pretend he was only feeling his
+way--saw he was not acceptable--sorry for it--and away he would go to
+somebody else. He looked upon a woman much in the light of a horse; if she
+didn't suit one man, she would another, and there was no harm in trying. So
+he puffed and smoked, and smoked and puffed--gliding gradually into wealth
+and prosperity.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE AS HE APPEARED IN THE BEST BEDROOM]
+
+A second cigar assisted his comprehension considerably--just as a second
+bottle of wine not only helps men through their difficulties, but shows
+them the way to unbounded wealth. Many of the bright railway schemes of
+former days, we make no doubt, were concocted under the inspiring influence
+of the bottle. Sponge now saw everything as he wished. All the errors of
+his former days were apparent to him. He saw how indiscreet it was
+confiding in Miss Trickery's cousin, the major; why the rich widow at
+Chesterfield had _chasseed_ him; and how he was done out of the beautiful
+Miss Rainbow, with her beautiful estate, with its lake, its heronry, and
+its perpetual advowson. Other mishaps he also considered.
+
+Having disposed of the past, he then turned his attention to the future.
+Here were two beautiful girls apparently full of money, between whom there
+wasn't the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice. Most exemplary parents, too,
+who didn't seem to care a farthing about money.
+
+He then began speculating on what the girls would have. 'Great house--great
+establishment--great estate, doubtless. Why, confound it,' continued he,
+casting his heavy eye lazily around, 'here's a room as big as a field in a
+cramped country! Can't have less than fifty thousand a-piece, I should say,
+at the least. Jawleyford, to be sure, is young,' thought he; 'may live a
+long time' (puff). 'If Mrs. J. were to die (Curse--the cigar's burnt my
+lips'), added he, throwing the remnant into the fire, and rolling out of
+the chair to prepare for turning into bed.
+
+If any one had told Sponge that there was a rich papa and mamma on the
+look-out merely for amiable young men to bestow their fair daughters upon,
+he would have laughed them to scorn, and said, 'Why, you fool, they are
+only laughing at you'; or 'Don't you see they are playing you off against
+somebody else?' But our hero, like other men, was blind where he himself
+was concerned, and concluded that he was the exception to the general rule.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jawleyford had their consultation too.
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Jawleyford, seating himself on the high wire fender
+immediately below a marble bust of himself on the mantelpiece; 'I think
+he'll do.'
+
+'Oh, no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who never saw any difficulty in
+the way of a match; 'I should say he is a very nice young man,' continued
+she.
+
+'Rather brusque in his manner, perhaps,' observed Jawleyford, who was quite
+the 'lady' himself. 'I wonder what he was?' added he, fingering away at his
+whiskers.
+
+'He's rich, I've no doubt,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'What makes you think so?' asked her loving spouse.
+
+'I don't know,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford; 'somehow I feel certain he is--but
+I can't tell why--all fox-hunters are.'
+
+'I don't know that,' replied Jawleyford, who knew some very poor ones. 'I
+should like to know what he has,' continued Jawleyford musingly, looking up
+at the deeply corniced ceiling as if he were calculating the chances among
+the filagree ornaments of the centre.
+
+'A hundred thousand, perhaps,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, who only knew two
+sums--fifty and a hundred thousand.
+
+'That's a vast of money,' replied Jawleyford, with a slight shake of the
+head.
+
+'Fifty at least, then,' suggested Mrs. Jawleyford, coming down half-way at
+once.
+
+'Well, if he has that, he'll do,' rejoined Jawleyford, who also had come
+down considerably in his expectations since the vision of his railway days,
+at whose bright light he had burnt his fingers.
+
+'He was said to have an immense fortune--I forget how much--at Laverick
+Wells,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Well, we'll see,' said Jawleyford, adding, 'I suppose either of the girls
+will be glad enough to take him?'
+
+'Trust them for that,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, with a knowing smile and
+nod of the head: 'trust them for that,' repeated she. 'Though Amelia does
+turn up her nose and pretend to be fine, rely upon it she only wants to be
+sure that he's worth having.'
+
+'Emily seems ready enough, at all events,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'She'll never get the chance,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford. 'Amelia is a very
+prudent girl, and won't commit herself, but she knows how to manage the
+men.'
+
+'Well, then,' said Jawleyford, with a hearty yawn, 'I suppose we may as
+well go to bed.'
+
+So saying, he took his candle and retired.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+THE WET DAY
+
+
+When the dirty slip-shod housemaid came in the morning with her
+blacksmith's-looking tool-box to light Mr. Sponge's fire, a riotous
+winter's day was in the full swing of its gloomy, deluging power. The wind
+howled, and roared, and whistled, and shrieked, playing a sort of aeolian
+harp amongst the towers, pinnacles, and irregular castleisations of the
+house; while the old casements rattled and shook, as though some one were
+trying to knock them in.
+
+'Hang the day!' muttered Sponge from beneath the bedclothes. 'What the
+deuce is a man to do with himself on such a day as this, in the country?'
+thinking how much better he would be flattening his nose against the
+coffee-room window of the Bantam, or strolling through the horse-dealers'
+stables in Piccadilly or Oxford Street.
+
+Presently the over-night chair before the fire, with the picture of
+Jawleyford in the Bumperkin yeomanry, as seen through the parted curtains
+of the spacious bed, recalled his over-night speculations, and he began to
+think that perhaps he was just as well where he was. He then 'backed' his
+ideas to where he had left off, and again began speculating on the chances
+of his position. 'Deuced fine girls,' said he, 'both of 'em: wonder what
+he'll give 'em down?'--recurring to his over-night speculations, and
+hitting upon the point at which he had burnt his lips with the end of the
+cigar--namely, Jawleyford's youth, and the possibility of his marrying
+again if Mrs. Jawleyford were to die. 'It won't do to raise up
+difficulties for one's self, however,' mused he; so, kicking off the
+bedclothes, he raised himself instead, and making for a window, began to
+gaze upon his expectant territory.
+
+It was a terrible day; the ragged, spongy clouds drifted heavily along, and
+the lowering gloom was only enlivened by the occasional driving rush of the
+tempest. Earth and sky were pretty much the same grey, damp, disagreeable
+hue.
+
+'Well,' said Sponge to himself, having gazed sufficiently on the uninviting
+landscape, 'it's just as well it's not a hunting day--should have got
+terribly soused. Must get through the time as well as I can--girls to talk
+to--house to see. Hope I've brought my _Mogg_,' added he, turning to his
+portmanteau, and diving for his _Ten Thousand Cab Fares_. Having found the
+invaluable volume, his almost constant study, he then proceeded to array
+himself in what he considered the most captivating apparel; a new
+wide-sleeved dock-tail coatee, with outside pockets placed very low,
+faultless drab trousers, a buff waistcoat, with a cream-coloured once-round
+silk tie, secured by red cornelian cross-bars set in gold, for a pin. Thus
+attired, with _Mogg_ in his pocket, he swaggered down to the
+breakfast-room, which he hit off by means of listening at the doors till he
+heard the sound of voices within.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies were all smiles and smirks, and there
+were no symptoms of Miss Jawleyford's _hauteur_ perceptible. They all came
+forward and shook hands with our friend most cordially. Mr. Jawleyford,
+too, was all flourish and compliment; now tilting at the weather, now
+congratulating himself upon having secured Mr. Sponge's society in the
+house.
+
+That leisurely meal of protracted ease, a country-house breakfast, being at
+length accomplished, and the ladies having taken their departure, Mr.
+Jawleyford looked out on the terrace, upon which the angry rain was beating
+the standing water into bubbles, and observing that there was no chance of
+getting out, asked Mr. Sponge if he could amuse himself in the house.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied he, 'got a book in my pocket.'
+
+'Ah, I suppose--the _New Monthly_, perhaps?' observed Mr. Jawleyford.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Dizzey's _Life of Bentinck_, then, I dare say,' suggested Jawleyford;
+adding, 'I'm reading it myself.'
+
+'No, nor that either,' replied Sponge, with a knowing look; 'a much more
+useful work, I assure you,' added he, pulling the little purple-backed
+volume out of his pocket, and reading the gilt letters on the back:
+'_Mogg's Ten Thousand Cab Fares_. Price one shilling!'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, 'well, I should never have guessed
+that.'
+
+'I dare say not,' replied Sponge, 'I dare say not, it's a book I never
+travel without. It's invaluable in town, and you may study it to great
+advantage in the country. With _Mogg_ in my hand, I can almost fancy myself
+in both places at once. Omnibus guide,' added he, turning over the leaves,
+and reading, 'Acton five, from the end of Oxford Street and the Edger
+Road--see Ealing; Edmonton seven, from Shoreditch Church--"Green Man and
+Still" Oxford Street--Shepherd's Bush and Starch Green, Bank, and
+Whitechapel--Tooting--Totteridge--Wandsworth; in short, every place near
+town. Then the cab fares are truly invaluable; you have ten thousand of
+them here,' said he, tapping the book, 'and you may calculate as many more
+for yourself as ever you like. Nothing to do but sit in an arm-chair on a
+wet day like this, and say, If from the Mile End turnpike to the "Castle"
+on the Kingsland Road is so much, how much should it be to the "Yorkshire
+Stingo," or Pine-Apple-Place, Maida Vale? And you measure by other fares
+till you get as near the place you want as you can, if it isn't set down in
+black and white to your hand in the book.'
+
+'Just so,' said Jawleyford, 'just so. It must be a very useful work indeed,
+very useful work. I'll get one--I'll get one. How much did you say it
+was--a guinea? a guinea?'
+
+'A shilling,' replied Sponge, adding, 'you may have mine for a guinea if
+you like.'
+
+'By Jove, what a day it is!' observed Jawleyford, turning the
+conversation, as the wind dashed the hard sleet against the window like a
+shower of pebbles. 'Lucky to have a good house over one's head, such
+weather; and, by the way, that reminds me, I'll show you my new gallery and
+collection of curiosities--pictures, busts, marbles, antiques, and so on;
+there'll be fires on, and we shall be just as well there as here.' So
+saying, Jawleyford led the way through a dark, intricate, shabby passage,
+to where a much gilded white door, with a handsome crimson curtain over it
+announced the entrance to something better. 'Now,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+bowing as he threw open the door, and motioned, or rather flourished, his
+guest to enter--'now,' said he, 'you shall see what you shall see.'
+
+Mr. Sponge entered accordingly, and found himself at the end of a gallery
+fifty feet by twenty, and fourteen high, lighted by skylights and small
+windows round the top. There were fires in handsome Caen-stone
+chimney-pieced fireplaces on either side, a large timepiece and an organ at
+the far end, and sundry white basins scattered about, catching the drops
+from the skylights.
+
+'Hang the rain!' exclaimed Jawleyford, as he saw it trickling over a river
+scene of Van Goyen's (gentlemen in a yacht, and figures in boats), and
+drip, drip, dripping on to the head of an infant Bacchus below.
+
+'He wants an umbrella, that young gentleman,' observed Sponge, as
+Jawleyford proceeded to dry him with his handkerchief.
+
+'Fine thing,' observed Jawleyford, starting off to a side, and pointing to
+it; 'fine thing--Italian marble--by Frere--cost a vast of money--was
+offered three hundred for it. Are you a judge of these things?' asked
+Jawleyford; 'are you a judge of these things?'
+
+'A little,' replied Sponge, 'a little'; thinking he might as well see what
+his intended father-in-law's personal property was like.
+
+'There's a beautiful thing!' observed Jawleyford, pointing to another
+group. 'I picked that up for a mere nothing--twenty guineas--worth two
+hundred at least. Lipsalve, the great picture-dealer in Gammon Passage,
+offered me Murillo's "Adoration of the Virgin and Shepherds," for which he
+showed me a receipt for a hundred and eighty-five, for it.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Sponge, 'what is it?'
+
+'It's a Bacchanal group, after Poussin, sculptured by Marin. I bought it at
+Lord Breakdown's sale; it happened to be a wet day--much such a day as
+this--and things went for nothing. This you'll know, I presume?' observed
+Jawleyford, laying his hand on a life-size bust of Diana, in Italian
+marble.
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford; 'I thought everybody had known this: this is my
+celebrated "Diana," by Noindon--one of the finest things in the world.
+Louis Philippe sent an agent over to this country expressly to buy it.'
+
+'Why didn't you sell it him?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Didn't want the money,' replied Jawleyford, 'didn't want the money. In
+addition to which, though a king, he was a bit of a screw, and we couldn't
+agree upon terms. This,' observed Jawleyford, 'is a vase of the Cinque
+Cento period--a very fine thing; and this,' laying his hand on the crown of
+a much frizzed, barber's-window-looking bust, 'of course you know?'
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in astonishment.
+
+'No,' repeated Sponge.
+
+'Look again, my dear fellow; you _must_ know it,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'I suppose it's meant for you,' at last replied Sponge, seeing his host's
+anxiety.
+
+'_Meant!_ my dear fellow; why, don't you think it like?'
+
+'Why, there's a resemblance, certainly,' said Sponge, 'now that one knows.
+But I shouldn't have guessed it was you.'
+
+'Oh, my dear Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jawleyford, in a tone of mortification,
+'Do you _really_ mean to say you don't think it like?'
+
+'Why, yes, it's like,' replied Sponge, seeing which way his host wanted it;
+'it's like, certainly; the want of expression in the eye makes such a
+difference between a bust and a picture.'
+
+'True,' replied Jawleyford, comforted--'true,' repeated he, looking
+affectionately at it; 'I should say it was very like--like as anything can
+be. You are rather too much above it there, you see; sit down here,'
+continued he, leading Sponge to an ottoman surrounding a huge model of the
+column in the Place Vendome, that stood in the middle of the room--'sit
+down here now, and look, and say if you don't think it like?'
+
+[Illustration: 'THIS, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW?']
+
+'Oh, _very_ like,' replied Sponge, as soon as he had seated himself. 'I see
+it now, directly; the mouth is yours to a T.'
+
+'And the chin. It's my chin, isn't it?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Yes; and the nose, and the forehead, and the whiskers, and the hair, and
+the shape of the head, and everything. Oh! I see it now as plain as a
+pikestaff,' observed Sponge.
+
+'I thought you would,' rejoined Jawleyford comforted--'I thought you would;
+it's generally considered an excellent likeness--so it should, indeed, for
+it cost a vast of money--fifty guineas! to say nothing of the lotus-leafed
+pedestal it's on. That's another of me,' continued Jawleyford, pointing to
+a bust above the fireplace, on the opposite side of the gallery; 'done some
+years since--ten or twelve, at least--not so like as this, but still like.
+That portrait up there, just above the "Finding of Moses," by Poussin,'
+pointing to a portrait of himself attitudinizing, with his hand on his hip,
+and frock-coat well thrown back, so as to show his figure and the silk
+lining to advantage, 'was done the other day, by a very rising young
+artist; though he has hardly done me justice, perhaps--particularly in the
+nose, which he's made far too thick and heavy; and the right hand, if
+anything, is rather clumsy; otherwise the colouring is good, and there is a
+considerable deal of taste in the arrangement of the background, and so
+on.'
+
+'What book is it you are pointing to?' asked Sponge.
+
+'It's not a book,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, 'it's a plan--a plan of this
+gallery, in fact. I am supposed to be giving the final order for the
+erection of the very edifice we are now in.'
+
+'And a very handsome building it is,' observed Sponge, thinking he would
+make it a shooting-gallery when he got it.
+
+'Yes, it's a handsome thing in its way,' assented Jawleyford; 'better if it
+had been water-tight, perhaps,' added he, as a big drop splashed upon the
+crown of his head.
+
+'The contents must be very valuable,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Very valuable,' replied Jawleyford. 'There's a thing I gave two hundred
+and fifty guineas for--that vase. It's of Parian marble, of the Cinque
+Cento period, beautifully sculptured in a dance of Bacchanals, arabesques,
+and chimera figures; it was considered cheap. Those fine monkeys in Dresden
+china, playing on musical instruments, were forty; those bronzes of
+scaramouches on ormolu plinths were seventy; that ormolu clock, of the
+style of Louis Quinze, by Le Roy, was eighty; those Sevres vases were a
+hundred--mounted, you see, in ormolu, with lily candelabra for ten lights.
+The handles,' continued he, drawing Sponge's attention to them, 'are very
+handsome--composed of satyrs holding festoons of grapes and flowers, which
+surround the neck of the vase; on the sides are pastoral subjects, painted
+in the highest style--nothing can be more beautiful or more chaste.'
+
+'Nothing,' assented Sponge.
+
+'The pictures I should think are most valuable,' observed Jawleyford. 'My
+friend Lord Sparklebury said to me the last time he was here--he's now in
+Italy, increasing his collection--"Jawleyford, old boy," said he, for we
+are very intimate--just like brothers, in fact; "Jawleyford, old boy, I
+wonder whether your collection or mine would fetch most money, if they were
+Christie-&-Manson'd." "Oh, your lordship," said I, "your Guidos, and
+Ostades, and Poussins, and Velasquez, are not to be surpassed." "True,"
+replied his lordship, "they are fine--very fine; but you have the Murillos.
+I'd like to give you a good round sum," added he, "to pick out half-a-dozen
+pictures out of your gallery." Do you understand pictures?' continued
+Jawleyford, turning short on his friend Sponge.
+
+'A little,' replied Sponge, in a tone that might mean either yes or no--a
+great deal or nothing at all.
+
+Jawleyford then took him and worked him through his collection--talked of
+light and shade, and tone, and depth of colouring, tints, and pencillings;
+and put Sponge here and there and everywhere to catch the light (or rain,
+as the case might be); made him convert his hand into an opera-glass, and
+occasionally put his head between his legs to get an upside-down view--a
+feat that Sponge's equestrian experience made him pretty well up to. So
+they looked, and admired, and criticized, till Spigot's all-important
+figure came looming up the gallery and announced that luncheon was ready.
+
+'Bless me!' exclaimed Jawleyford, pulling a most diminutive Geneva watch,
+hung with pencils, pistol-keys, and other curiosities, out of his pocket;
+'Bless me, who'd have thought it? One o'clock, I declare! Well, if this
+doesn't prove the value of a gallery on a wet day. I don't know what does.
+However,' said he, 'we must tear ourselves away for the present, and go and
+see what the ladies are about.'
+
+If ever a man may be excused for indulging in luncheon, it certainly is on
+a pouring wet day (when he eats for occupation), or when he is making love;
+both which excuses Mr. Sponge had to offer, so he just sat down and ate as
+heartily as the best of the party, not excepting his host himself, who was
+an excellent hand at luncheon.
+
+Jawleyford tried to get him back to the gallery after luncheon, but a look
+from his wife intimated that Sponge was wanted elsewhere, so he quietly saw
+him carried off to the music-room; and presently the notes of the 'grand
+piano,' and full clear voices of his daughters, echoing along the passage,
+intimated that they were trying what effect music would have upon him.
+
+When Mrs. Jawleyford looked in about an hour after, she found Mr. Sponge
+sitting over the fire with his _Mogg_ in his hand, and the young ladies
+with their laps full of company-work, keeping up a sort of crossfire of
+conversation in the shape of question and answer. Mrs. Jawleyford's company
+making matters worse, they soon became tediously agreeable.
+
+In course of time, Jawleyford entered the room, with:
+
+'My dear Mr. Sponge, your groom has come up to know about your horse
+to-morrow. I told him it was utterly impossible to think of hunting, but he
+says he must have his orders from you. I should say,' added Jawleyford, 'it
+is _quite_ out of the question--madness to think of it; much better in the
+house, such weather.'
+
+'I don't know that,' replied Sponge, 'the rain's come down, and though the
+country will ride heavy, I don't see why we shouldn't have sport after it.'
+
+'But the glass is falling, and the wind's gone round the wrong way; the
+moon changed this morning--everything, in short, indicates continued wet,'
+replied Jawleyford. 'The rivers are all swollen, and the low grounds under
+water; besides, my dear fellow, consider the distance--consider the
+distance; sixteen miles, if it's a yard.'
+
+'What, Dundleton Tower!' exclaimed Sponge, recollecting that Jawleyford had
+said it was only ten the night before.
+
+'Sixteen miles, and bad road,' replied Jawleyford.
+
+'The deuce it is!' muttered Sponge; adding, 'Well, I'll go and see my
+groom, at all events.' So saying, he rang the bell as if the house was his
+own, and desired Spigot to show him the way to his servant.
+
+Leather, of course, was in the servants' hall, refreshing himself with cold
+meat and ale, after his ride up from Lucksford.
+
+Finding that he had ridden the hack up, he desired Leather to leave him
+there. 'Tell the groom I _must_ have him put up,' said Sponge; 'and you
+ride the chestnut on in the morning. How far is it to Dundleton Tower?'
+asked he.
+
+'Twelve or thirteen miles, they say, from here,' replied Leather; 'nine or
+ten from Lucksford.'
+
+'Well, that'll do,' said Sponge; 'you tell the groom here to have the hack
+saddled for me at nine o'clock, and you ride Multum in Parvo quietly on,
+either to the meet or till I overtake you.'
+
+'But how am I to get back to Lucksford?' asked Leather, cocking up a foot
+to show how thinly he was shod.
+
+'Oh, just as you can,' replied Sponge; 'get the groom here to set you down
+with his master's hacks. I dare say they haven't been out to-day, and it'll
+do them good.'
+
+So saying, Mr. Sponge left his valuable servant to do the best he could for
+himself.
+
+Having returned to the music-room, with the aid of an old county map Mr.
+Sponge proceeded to trace his way to Dundleton Tower; aided, or rather
+retarded, by Mr. Jawleyford, who kept pointing out all sorts of
+difficulties, till, if Mr. Sponge had followed his advice, he would have
+made eighteen or twenty miles of the distance. Sponge, however, being used
+to scramble about strange countries, saw the place was to be accomplished
+in ten or eleven. Jawleyford was sure he would lose himself, and Sponge was
+equally confident that he wouldn't.
+
+At length the glad sound of the gong put an end to all further argument;
+and the inmates of Jawleyford Court retired, candle in hand, to their
+respective apartments, to adorn for a repetition of the yesterday's spread,
+with the addition of the Rev. Mr. Hobanob's company, to say grace, and
+praise the 'Wintle.'
+
+An appetiteless dinner was succeeded by tea and music, as before.
+
+The three elegant French clocks in the drawing-room being at variance, one
+being three-quarters of an hour before the slowest, and twenty minutes
+before the next, Mr. Hobanob (much to the horror of Jawleyford) having
+nearly fallen asleep with his Sevres coffee-cup in his hand, at last drew
+up his great silver watch by its jack-chain, and finding it was a quarter
+past ten, prepared to decamp--taking as affectionate a leave of the ladies
+as if he had been going to China. He was followed by Mr. Jawleyford, to see
+him pocket his pumps, and also by Mr. Sponge, to see what sort of a night
+it was.
+
+The sky was clear, stars sparkled in the firmament, and a young crescent
+moon shone with silvery brightness o'er the scene.
+
+'That'll do,' said Sponge, as he eyed it; 'no haze there. Come,' added he
+to his papa-in-law, as Hobanob's steps died out on the terrace, 'you'd
+better go to-morrow.'
+
+'Can't,' replied Jawleyford; 'go next day, perhaps--Scrambleford
+Green--better place--much. You may lock up,' said he, turning to Spigot,
+who, with both footmen, was in attendance to see Mr. Hobanob off; 'you may
+lock up, and tell the cook to have breakfast ready at nine precisely.'
+
+'Oh, never mind about breakfast for me,' interposed Sponge, 'I'll have some
+tea or coffee and chops, or boiled ham and eggs, or whatever's going, in my
+bedroom,' said he; 'so never mind altering your hour for me.'
+
+'Oh, but my dear fellow, we'll all breakfast together' (Jawleyford had no
+notion of standing two breakfasts), 'we'll all breakfast together,' said
+he; 'no trouble, I assure you--rather the contrary. Say half-past
+eight--half-past eight. Spigot! to a minute, mind.'
+
+And Sponge, seeing there was no help for it, bid the ladies good night, and
+tumbled off to bed with little expectation of punctuality.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE'S RAPID BREAKFAST]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+THE F.H.H.
+
+
+Nor was Sponge wrong in his conjecture, for it was a quarter to nine ere
+Spigot appeared with the massive silver urn, followed by the train-band
+bold, bearing the heavy implements of breakfast. Then, though the young
+ladies were punctual, smiling, and affable as usual, Mrs. Jawleyford was
+absent, and she had the keys; so it was nearly nine before Mr. Sponge got
+his fork into his first mutton chop. Jawleyford was not exactly pleased;
+he thought it didn't look well for a young man to prefer hunting to the
+society of his lovely and accomplished daughters. Hunting was all very well
+occasionally, but it did not do to make a business of it. This, however, he
+kept to himself.
+
+'You'll have a fine day, my dear Mr. Sponge,' said he, extending a hand, as
+he found our friend brown-booted and red-coated, working away at the
+breakfast.
+
+'Yes,' said Sponge, munching away for hard life. In less than ten minutes,
+he managed to get as much down as, with the aid of a knotch of bread that
+he pocketed, he thought would last him through the day; and, with a hasty
+adieu, he hurried off to find the stables, to get his hack. The piebald was
+saddled, bridled, and turned round in the stall; for all servants that are
+worth anything like to further hunting operations. With the aid of the
+groom's instructions, who accompanied him out of the courtyard, Sponge was
+enabled to set off at a hard canter, cheered by the groom's observation,
+that 'he thought he would be there in time.' On, on he went; now
+speculating on a turn; now pulling a scratch map he had made on a bit of
+paper out of his waistcoat-pocket; now inquiring the name of any place he
+saw of any person he met. So he proceeded for five or six miles without
+much difficulty; the road, though not all turnpike, being mainly over good
+sound township ones. It was at the village of Swineley, with its
+chubby-towered church and miserable hut-like cottages, that his troubles
+were to begin. He had two sharp turns to make--to ride through a
+straw-yard, and leap over a broken-down wall at the corner of a cottage--to
+get into Swaithing Green Lane, and so cut off an angle of two miles. The
+road then became a bridle one, and was, like all bridle ones, very plain to
+those who know them, and very puzzling to those who don't. It was evidently
+a little-frequented road; and what with looking out for footmarks (now
+nearly obliterated by the recent rains) and speculating on what queer
+corners of the fields the gates would be in, Mr. Sponge found it necessary
+to reduce his pace to a very moderate trot. Still he had made good way; and
+supposing they gave a quarter-of-an-hour's law, and he had not been
+deceived as to distance, he thought he should get to the meet about the
+time. His horse, too, would be there, and perhaps Lord Scamperdale might
+give a little extra law on that account. He then began speculating on what
+sort of a man his lordship was, and the probable nature of his reception.
+He began to wish that Jawleyford had accompanied him, to introduce him. Not
+that Sponge was shy, but still he thought that Jawleyford's presence would
+do him good.
+
+Lord Scamperdale's hunt was not the most polished in the world. The hounds
+and the horses were a good deal better bred than the men. Of course his
+lordship gave the _tone_ to the whole; and being a coarse, broad,
+barge-built sort of man, he had his clothes to correspond, and looked like
+a drayman in scarlet. He wore a great round flat-brimmed hat, which being
+adopted by the hunt generally, procured it the name of the 'F.H.H.,' or
+'Flat Hat Hunt.' Our readers, we dare say, have noticed it figuring away,
+in the list of hounds during the winter, along with the 'H.H.s,' 'V.W.H.s,'
+and other initialized packs. His lordship's clothes were of the large,
+roomy, baggy, abundant order, with great pockets, great buttons, and lots
+of strings flying out. Instead of tops, he sported leather leggings, which
+at a distance gave him the appearance of riding with his trousers up to his
+knees. These the hunt too adopted; and his 'particular,' Jack (Jack
+Spraggon), the man whom he mounted, and who was made much in his own mould,
+sported, like his patron, a pair of great broad-rimmed, tortoise-shell
+spectacles of considerable power. Jack was always at his lordship's elbow;
+and it was 'Jack' this, 'Jack' that, 'Jack' something, all day long. But we
+must return to Mr. Sponge, whom we left working his way through the
+intricate fields. At last he got through them, and into Red Pool Common,
+which, by leaving the windmill to the right, he cleared pretty cleverly,
+and entered upon a district still wilder and drearier than any he had
+traversed. Peewits screamed and hovered over land that seemed to grow
+little but rushes and water-grasses, with occasional heather. The ground
+poached and splashed as he went; worst of all, time was nearly up.
+
+In vain Sponge strained his eyes in search of Dundleton Tower. In vain he
+fancied every high, sky-line-breaking place in the distance was the
+much-wished-for spot. Dundleton Tower was no more a tower than it was a
+town, and would seem to have been christened by the rule of contrary, for
+it was nothing but a great flat open space, without object or incident to
+note it.
+
+Sponge, however, was not destined to see it.
+
+As he went floundering along through an apparently interminable and almost
+bottomless lane, whose sunken places and deep ruts were filled with clayey
+water, which played the very deuce with the cords and brown boots, the
+light note of a hound fell on his ear, and almost at the same instant, a
+something that he would have taken for a dog had it not been for the note
+of the hound, turned, as it were, from him, and went in a contrary
+direction.
+
+Sponge reined in the piebald, and stood transfixed. It was, indeed, the
+fox!--a magnificent full-brushed fellow, with a slight tendency to grey
+along the back, and going with the light spiry ease of an animal full of
+strength and running.
+
+'I wish I mayn't ketch it,' said Sponge to himself, shuddering at the idea
+of having headed him.
+
+It was, however, no time for thinking. The cry of hounds became more
+distinct--nearer and nearer they came, fuller and more melodious; but,
+alas! it was no music to Sponge. Presently the cheering of hunters was
+heard--'FOR--_rard_! FOR--_rard_!' and anon the rate of a
+whip farther back. Another second, and hounds, horses, and men were in
+view, streaming away over the large pasture on the left.
+
+There was a high, straggling fence between Sponge and the field, thick
+enough to prevent their identifying him, but not sufficiently high to
+screen him altogether. Sponge pulled round the piebald, and gathered
+himself together like a man going to be shot. The hounds came tearing full
+cry to where he was; there was a breast-high scent, and every one seemed to
+have it. They charged the fence at a wattled pace a few yards below where
+he sat, and flying across the deep dirty lane, dashed full cry into the
+pasture beyond.
+
+'Hie back!' cried Sponge. 'Hie back!' trying to turn them; but instead of
+the piebald carrying him in front of the pack, as Sponge wanted, he took to
+rearing, and plunging, and pawing the air. The hounds meanwhile dashed
+jealously on without a scent, till first one and then another feeling
+ashamed, gave in; and at last a general lull succeeded the recent joyous
+cry. Awful period! terrible to any one, but dreadful to a stranger! Though
+Sponge was in the road, he well knew that no one has any business anywhere
+but with hounds, when a fox is astir.
+
+'Hold hard!' was now the cry, and the perspiring riders and lathered steeds
+came to a standstill.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went a shrill horn; and a couple of whips, singling
+themselves out from the field, flew over the fence to where the hounds were
+casting.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the horn again.
+
+Meanwhile Sponge sat enjoying the following observations, which a westerly
+wind wafted into his ear.
+
+'Oh, d--n me! that man in the lane's headed the fox,' puffed one.
+
+'Who is it?' gasped another.
+
+'Tom Washball!' exclaimed a third.
+
+'Heads more foxes than any man in the country,' puffed a fourth.
+
+'Always nicking and skirting,' exclaimed a fifth.
+
+'Never comes to the meet,' added a sixth.
+
+'Come on a cow to-day,' observed another.
+
+'Always chopping and changing,' added another; 'he'll come on a giraffe
+next.'
+
+Having commenced his career with the 'F.H.H.' so inauspiciously and yet
+escaped detection, Mr. Sponge thought of letting Tom Washball enjoy the
+honours of his _faux-pas_, and of sneaking quietly home as soon as the
+hounds hit off the scent; but unluckily, just as they were crossing the
+lane, what should heave in sight, cantering along at his leisure, but the
+redoubtable Multum in Parvo, who, having got rid of old Leather by bumping
+and thumping his leg against a gate-post, was enjoying a line of his own.
+
+'Whoay!' cried Sponge, as he saw the horse quickening his pace to have a
+shy at the hounds as they crossed. 'Who--o--a--y!' roared he, brandishing
+his whip, and trying to turn the piebald round; but no, the brute wouldn't
+answer the bit, and dreading lest, in addition to heading the fox, he
+should kill 'the best hound in the pack,' Mr. Sponge threw himself off,
+regardless of the mud-bath in which he lit, and caught the runaway as he
+tried to dart past.
+
+'For-rard!--for-rard!--for-rard!' was again the cry, as the hounds hit off
+the scent; while the late pausing, panting sportsmen tackled vigorously
+with their steeds, and swept onward like the careering wind.
+
+Mr. Sponge, albeit somewhat perplexed, had still sufficient presence of
+mind to see the necessity of immediate action; and though he had so lately
+contemplated beating a retreat, the unexpected appearance of Parvo altered
+the state of affairs.
+
+'Now or never,' said he, looking first at the disappearing field, and then
+for the non-appearing Leather. 'Hang it! I may as well see the run,' added
+he; so hooking the piebald on to an old stone gate-post that stood in the
+ragged fence, and lengthening a stirrup-leather, he vaulted into the
+saddle, and began lengthening the other as he went.
+
+It was one of Parvo's going days; indeed, it was that that old Leather and
+he had quarrelled about--Parvo wanting to follow the hounds, while Leather
+wanted to wait for his master. And Parvo had the knack of going, as well as
+the occasional inclination. Although such a drayhorse-looking animal, he
+could throw the ground behind him amazingly; and the deep-holding clay in
+which he now found himself was admirably suited to his short, powerful legs
+and enormous stride. The consequence was, that he was very soon up with the
+hindmost horsemen. These he soon passed, and was presently among those who
+ride hard when there is nothing to stop them. Such time as these sportsmen
+could now spare from looking out ahead was devoted to Sponge, whom they
+eyed with the utmost astonishment, as if he had dropped from the clouds.
+
+A stranger--a real out-and-out stranger--had not visited their remote
+regions since the days of poor Nimrod. 'Who could it be?' But 'the pace,'
+as Nimrod used to say, 'was too good to inquire.' A little farther on, and
+Sponge drew upon the great guns of the hunt--the men who ride _to_ hounds,
+and not _after_ them; the same who had criticized him through the
+fence--Mr. Wake, Mr. Fossick, Parson Blossomnose, Mr. Fyle, Lord
+Scamperdale, Jack himself, and others. Great was their astonishment at the
+apparition, and incoherent the observations they dropped as they galloped
+on.
+
+'It isn't Wash, after all,' whispered Fyle into Blossomnose's ear, as they
+rode through a gate together.
+
+'No-o-o,' replied the nose, eyeing Sponge intently.
+
+'What a coat!' whispered one.
+
+'Jacket,' replied the other.
+
+'Lost his brush,' observed a third, winking at Sponge's docked tail.
+
+'He's going to ride over us all,' snapped Mr. Fossick, whom Sponge passed
+at a hand-canter, as the former was blobbing and floundering about the deep
+ruts leading out of a turnip-field.
+
+'He'll catch it just now,' said Mr. Wake, eyeing Sponge drawing upon his
+lordship and Jack, as they led the field as usual. Jack being at a
+respectful distance behind his great patron, espied Sponge first; and
+having taken a good stare at him through his formidable spectacles, to
+satisfy himself that it was nobody he knew--a stare that Sponge returned as
+well as a man without spectacles can return the stare of one with--Jack
+spurred his horse up to his lordship, and rising in his stirrups, shot into
+his ear--
+
+'Why, here's the man on the cow!' adding, 'it isn't Washey.'
+
+'Who the deuce is it then?' asked his lordship, looking over his left
+shoulder, as he kept galloping on in the wake of his huntsman.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack; 'never saw him before.'
+
+'Nor I,' said his lordship, with an air as much as to say, 'It makes no
+matter.'
+
+His lordship, though well mounted, was not exactly on the sort of horse
+for the country they were in; while Mr. Sponge, in addition to being on the
+very animal for it, had the advantage of the horse having gone the first
+part of the run without a rider: so Multum in Parvo, whether Mr. Sponge
+wished it or not, insisted on being as far forward as he could get. The
+more Sponge pulled and hauled, the more determined the horse was; till,
+having thrown both Jack and his lordship in the rear, he made for old
+Frostyface, the huntsman, who was riding well up to the still-flying pack.
+
+'HOLD HARD, sir! For God's sake, hold hard!' screamed Frosty, who
+knew by intuition there was a horse behind, as well as he knew there was a
+man shooting in front, who, in all probability, had headed the fox.
+
+'HOLD HARD, sir!' roared he, as, yawning and boring and shaking
+his head, Parvo dashed through the now yelping scattered pack, making
+straight for a stiff new gate, which he smashed through, just as a circus
+pony smashes through a paper hoop.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' shouted Jack Spraggon, on seeing the hounds were safe. 'Hoo-ray
+for the tailor!'
+
+'Billy Button, himself!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'never saw such a
+thing in my life!'
+
+'Who the deuce is he?' asked Blossomnose, in the full glow of
+pulling-five-year-old exertion.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'he's a shaver, whoever he is.'
+
+Meanwhile the frightened hounds were scattered right and left.
+
+'I'll lay a guinea he's one of those confounded waiting chaps,' observed
+Fyle, who had been handled rather roughly by one of the tribe, who had
+dropped 'quite promiscuously' upon a field where he was, just as Sponge had
+done with Lord Scamperdale's.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied his lordship, eyeing Sponge's vain endeavours
+to turn the chestnut, and thinking how he would 'pitch into him' when he
+came up. 'By Jove,' added his lordship, 'if the fellow had taken the whole
+country round, he couldn't have chosen a worse spot for such an exploit;
+for there never _is_ any scent over here. See! not a hound can own it. Old
+Harmony herself throws up.
+
+The whips again are in their places, turning the astonished pack to
+Frostyface, who sets off on a casting expedition. The field, as usual, sit
+looking on; some blessing Sponge; some wondering who he was; others looking
+what o'clock it is; some dismounting and looking at their horses' feet.
+
+'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots!' exclaimed his lordship, as, by dint of
+bitting and spurring, Sponge at length worked the beast round, and came
+sneaking back in the face of the whole field. 'Thank you, Mr. Brown Boots,'
+repeated he, taking off his hat and bowing very low. 'Very much obl_e_ged
+to you, Mr. Brown Boots. Most particklarly obl_e_ged to you, Mr. Brown
+Boots,' with another low bow. 'Hang'd obl_e_ged to you, Mr. Brown Boots!
+D--n you, Mr. Brown Boots!' continued his lordship, looking at Sponge as if
+he would eat him.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' blurted Sponge; 'my horse--'
+
+'Hang your horse!' screamed his lordship; 'it wasn't your horse that headed
+the fox, was it?'
+
+'Beg pardon--couldn't help it; I--'
+
+'Couldn't help it. Hang your helps--you're _always_ doing it, sir. You
+could stay at home, sir--I s'pose, sir--couldn't you, sir? eh, sir?'
+
+Sponge was silent.
+
+'See, sir!' continued his lordship, pointing to the mute pack now following
+the huntsman, 'you've lost us our fox, sir--yes, sir, lost us our
+fox, sir. D'ye call that nothin', sir? If you don't, _I_ do, you
+perpendicular-looking Puseyite pig-jobber! By Jove! you think because I'm a
+lord, and can't swear, or use coarse language, that you may do what you
+like--but I'll take my hounds home, sir--yes, sir, I'll take my hounds
+home, sir.' So saying, his lordship roared HOME to Frostyface;
+adding, in an undertone to the first whip, 'bid him go to Furzing-field
+gorse.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+A COUNTRY DINNER-PARTY
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Well, what sport?' asked Jawleyford, as he encountered his exceedingly
+dirty friend crossing the entrance hall to his bedroom on his return from
+his day, or rather his non-day, with the 'Flat Hat Hunt.'
+
+'Why, not much--that's to say, nothing particular--I mean, I've not had
+any,' blurted Sponge.
+
+'But you've had a run?' observed Jawleyford, pointing to his boots and
+breeches, stained with the variation of each soil.
+
+'Ah, I got most of that going to cover,' replied Sponge; 'country's awfully
+deep, roads abominably dirty!' adding, 'I wish I'd taken your advice, and
+stayed at home.'
+
+'I wish you had,' replied Jawleyford, 'you'd have had a most excellent
+rabbit-pie for luncheon. However, get changed, and we will hear all about
+it after.' So saying, Jawleyford waved an adieu, and Sponge stamped away in
+his dirty water-logged boots.
+
+'I'm afraid you are very wet, Mr. Sponge,' observed Amelia in the sweetest
+tone, with the most loving smile possible, as our friend, with three steps
+at a time, bounded upstairs, and nearly butted her on the landing, as she
+was on the point of coming down.
+
+'I am that,' exclaimed Sponge, delighted at the greeting; 'I am that,'
+repeated he, slapping his much-stained cords; 'dirty, too,' added he,
+looking down at his nether man.
+
+'Hadn't you better get changed as quick as possible?' asked Amelia, still
+keeping her position before him.
+
+'Oh! all in good time,' replied Sponge, 'all in good time. The sight of you
+warms me more than a fire would do'; adding, 'I declare you look quite
+bewitching, after all the roughings and tumblings about out of doors.'
+
+'Oh! you've not had a fall, have you?' exclaimed Amelia, looking the
+picture of despair; 'you've not had a fall, have you? Do send for the
+doctor, and be bled.'
+
+Just then a door along the passage to the left opened; and Amelia, knowing
+pretty well who it was, smiled and tripped away, leaving Sponge to be bled
+or not as he thought proper.
+
+Our hero then made for his bedroom, where, having sucked off his adhesive
+boots, and divested himself of the rest of his hunting attire, he wrapped
+himself up in his grey flannel dressing-gown, and prepared for parboiling
+his legs and feet, amid agreeable anticipations arising out of the recent
+interview, and occasional references to his old friend _Mogg_, whenever he
+did not see his way on the matrimonial road as clearly as he could wish.
+'She'll have me, that's certain,' observed he.
+
+'Curse the water! how hot it is!' exclaimed he, catching his foot up out of
+the bath, into which he had incautiously plunged it without ascertaining
+the temperature of the water. He then sluiced it with cold, and next had to
+add a little more hot; at last he got it to his mind, and lighting a cigar,
+prepared for uninterrupted enjoyment.
+
+'Gad!' said he, 'she's by no means a bad-looking girl' (whiff). 'Devilish
+good-looking girl' (puff); 'good head and neck, and carries it well too'
+(puff)--'capital eye' (whiff), 'bright and clear' (puff); 'no cataracts
+there. She's all good together' (whiff, puff, whiff). 'Nice size too,'
+continued he, 'and well set up (whiff, puff, whiff); 'straight as a dairy
+maid' (puff); 'plenty of substance--grand thing substance' (puff). 'Hate a
+weedy woman--fifteen two and a half--that's to say, five feet four's plenty
+of height for a woman' (puff). 'Height of a woman has nothing to do with
+her size' (whiff). 'Wish she hadn't run off (puff); 'would like to have had
+a little more talk with her' (whiff, puff). 'Women never look so well as
+when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting' (puff). He then sank
+silently back in the easy-chair and whiffed and puffed all sorts of
+fantastic clouds and columns and corkscrews at his leisure. The cigar being
+finished, and the water in the foot-bath beginning to get cool, he emptied
+the remainder of the hot into it, and lighting a fresh cigar, began
+speculating on how the match was to be accomplished.
+
+The lady was safe, that was clear; he had nothing to do but 'pop.' That he
+would do in the evening, or in the morning, or any time--a man living in
+the house with a girl need never be in want of an opportunity. That
+preliminary over, and the usual answer 'Ask papa' obtained, then came the
+question, how was the old boy to be managed?--for men with marriageable
+daughters are to all intents and purposes 'old boys,' be their ages what
+they may.
+
+He became lost in reflection. He sat with his eyes fixed on the Jawleyford
+portrait above the mantelpiece, wondering whether he was the amiable,
+liberal, hearty, disinterested sort of man he appeared to be, indifferent
+about money, and only wanting unexceptionable young men for his daughters;
+or if he was a worldly minded man, like some he had met, who, after giving
+him every possible encouragement, sent him to the right-about like a
+servant. So Sponge smoked and thought, and thought and smoked, till the
+water in the foot-bath again getting cold, and the shades of night drawing
+on, he at last started up like a man determined to awake himself, and
+poking a match into the fire, lighted the candles on the toilet-table, and
+proceeded to adorn himself. Having again got himself into the killing
+tights and buckled pumps, with a fine flower-fronted shirt, ere he embarked
+on the delicacies and difficulties of the starcher, he stirred the little
+pittance of a fire, and, folding himself in his dressing-gown, endeavoured
+to prepare his mind for the calm consideration of all the minute bearings
+of the question by a little more _Mogg_. In idea he transferred himself to
+London, now fancying himself standing at the end of Burlington Arcade,
+hailing a Fulham or Turnham Green 'bus; now wrangling with a conductor for
+charging him sixpence when there was a pennant flapping at his nose with
+the words "ALL THE WAY 3D." upon it; now folding the wooden doors
+of a hansom cab in Oxford Street, calculating the extreme distance he could
+go for an eightpenny fare: until at last he fell into a downright vacant
+sort of reading, without rhyme or reason, just as one sometimes takes a
+read of a directory or a dictionary--"Conduit Street, George Street, to or
+from the Adelphi Terrace, Astley's Amphitheatre, Baker Street, King Street,
+Bryanston Square any part, Covent Garden Theatre, Foundling Hospital,
+Hatton Garden," and so on, till the thunder of the gong aroused him to a
+recollection of his duties. He then up and at his neckcloth.
+
+"Ah, well," said he, reverting to his lady love, as he eyed himself
+intently in the glass while performing the critical operation, "I'll just
+sound the old gentleman after dinner--one can do that sort of thing better
+over one's wine, perhaps, than at any other time: looks less formal too,"
+added he, giving the cravat a knowing crease at the side; "and if it
+doesn't seem to take, one can just pass it off as if it was done for
+somebody else--some young gentleman at Laverick Wells, for instance."
+
+So saying, he on with his white waistcoat, and crowned the conquering suit
+with a blue coat and metal buttons. Returning his _Mogg_ to his
+dressing-gown pocket, he blew out the candles and groped his way downstairs
+in the dark.
+
+In passing the dining-room he looked in (to see if there were any
+champaign-glasses set, we believe), when he saw that he should not have an
+opportunity of sounding his intended papa-in-law after dinner, for he found
+the table laid for twelve, and a great display of plate, linen, and china.
+
+He then swaggered on to the drawing-room, which was in a blaze of light.
+The lively Emily had stolen a march on her sister, and had just entered,
+attired in a fine new pale yellow silk dress with a point-lace berthe and
+other adornments.
+
+High words had ensued between the sisters as to the meanness of Amelia in
+trying to take her beau from her, especially after the airs Amelia had
+given herself respecting Sponge; and a minute observer might have seen the
+slight tinge of red on Emily's eyelids denoting the usual issue of such
+scenes. The result was, that each determined to do the best she could for
+herself; and free trade being proclaimed, Emily proceeded to dress with all
+expedition, calculating that, as Mr. Sponge had come in wet, he would, very
+likely dress at once and appear in the drawing-room in good time. Nor was
+she out in her reckoning, for she had hardly enjoyed an approving glance in
+the mirror ere our hero came swaggering in, twitching his arms as if he
+hadn't got his wristbands adjusted, and working his legs as if they didn't
+belong to him.
+
+"Ah, my dear Miss Emley!" exclaimed he, advancing gaily towards her with
+extended hand, which she took with all the pleasure in the world; adding,
+"and how have you been?"
+
+"Oh, pretty well, thank you," replied she, looking as though she would have
+said, "As well as I can be without you."
+
+Sponge, though a consummate judge of a horse, and all the minutiae
+connected with them, was still rather green in the matter of woman; and
+having settled in his own mind that Amelia should be his choice, he
+concluded that Emily knew all about it, and was working on her sister's
+account, instead of doing the agreeable for herself. And there it is where
+elder sisters have such an advantage over younger ones. They are always
+shown, or contrive to show themselves, first; and if a man once makes up
+his mind that the elder one will do, there is an end of the matter; and it
+is neither a deeper shade or two of blue, nor a brighter tinge of brown,
+nor a little smaller foot, nor a more elegant waist, that will make him
+change for a younger sister. The younger ones immediately become sisters in
+the men's minds, and retire, or are retired, from the field--"scratched,"
+as Sponge would say.
+
+Amelia, however, was not going to give Emily a chance; for, having dressed
+with all the expedition compatible with an attractive toilet--a
+lavender-coloured satin with broad black lace flounces, and some heavy
+jewellery on her well-turned arms, she came sidling in so gently as almost
+to catch Emily in the act of playing the agreeable. Turning the sidle into
+a stately sail, with a haughty sort of sneer and toss of the head to her
+sister, as much as to say, 'What are you doing with my man?'--a sneer that
+suddenly changed into a sweet smile as her eye encountered Sponge's--she
+just motioned him off to a sofa, where she commenced a _sotto voce_
+conversation in the engaged-couple style.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE AND THE MISSES JAWLEYFORD]
+
+The plot then began to thicken. First came Jawleyford, in a terrible stew.
+
+'Well, this is too bad!' exclaimed he, stamping and flourishing a scented
+note, with a crest and initials at the top. 'This is too bad,' repeated
+he; 'people accepting invitations, and then crying off at the last moment.'
+
+'Who is it can't come, papa--the Foozles?' asked Emily.
+
+'No--Foozles be hanged,' sneered Jawleyford; 'they always come--_the
+Blossomnoses!_' replied he, with an emphasis.
+
+'The Blossomnoses!' exclaimed both girls, clasping their hands and looking
+up at the ceiling.
+
+'What, all of them?' asked Emily.
+
+'All of them,' rejoined Jawleyford.
+
+'Why, that's four,' observed Emily.
+
+'To be sure it is,' replied Jawleyford; 'five, if you count them by
+appetites; for old Blossom always eats and drinks as much as two people.'
+
+'What excuse do they give?' asked Amelia.
+
+'Carriage-horse taken suddenly ill,' replied Jawleyford; 'as if that's any
+excuse when there are post-horses within half a dozen miles.'
+
+'He wouldn't have been stopped hunting for want of a horse, I dare say,'
+observed Amelia.
+
+'I dare say it's all a lie,' observed Jawleyford; adding, 'however, the
+invitation shall go for a dinner, all the same.'
+
+The denunciation was interrupted by the appearance of Spigot, who came
+looming up the spacious drawing-room in the full magnificence of black
+shorts, silk stockings, and buckled pumps, followed by a sheepish-looking,
+straight-haired, red apple-faced young gentleman, whom he announced as Mr.
+Robert Foozle. Robert was the hope of the house of Foozle; and it was
+fortunate his parents were satisfied with him, for few other people were.
+He was a young gentleman who shook hands with everybody, assented to
+anything that anybody said, and in answering a question, wherein indeed his
+conversation chiefly consisted, he always followed the words of the
+interrogation as much as he could. For instance: 'Well, Robert, have you
+been at Dulverton to-day?' Answer, 'No, I've not been at Dulverton to-day.'
+Question, 'Are you going to Dulverton to-morrow?' Answer, 'No, I'm not
+going to Dulverton to-morrow.' Having shaken hands with the party all
+round, and turned to the fire to warm his red fists, Jawleyford having
+stood at 'attention' for such time as he thought Mrs. Foozle would be
+occupied before the glass in his study arranging her head-gear, and seeing
+no symptoms of any further announcement, at last asked Foozle if his papa
+and mamma were not coming.
+
+'No, my papa and mamma are not coming,' replied he.
+
+'Are you sure?' asked Jawleyford, in a tone of excitement.
+
+'Quite sure,' replied Foozle, in the most matter-of-course voice.
+
+[Illustration: MR. ROBERT FOOZLE]
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping his foot upon the soft rug,
+adding, 'it never rains but it pours!'
+
+'Have you any note, or anything?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford, who had followed
+Robert Foozle into the room.
+
+'Yes, I have a note,' replied he, diving into the inner pocket of his coat,
+and producing one. The note was a letter--a letter from Mrs. Foozle to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, three sides and crossed; and seeing the magnitude thereof, Mrs.
+Jawleyford quietly put it into her reticule, observing, 'that she hoped Mr.
+and Mrs. Foozle were well?'
+
+'Yes, they are well,' replied Robert, notwithstanding he had express orders
+to say that his papa had the toothache, and his mamma the earache.
+
+Jawleyford then gave a furious ring at the bell for dinner, and in due
+course of time the party of six proceeded to a table for twelve. Sponge
+pawned Mrs. Jawleyford off upon Robert Foozle, which gave Sponge the right
+to the fair Amelia, who walked off on his arm with a toss of her head at
+Emily, as though she thought him the finest, sprightliest man under the
+sun. Emily followed, and Jawleyford came sulking in alone, sore put out at
+the failure of what he meant for _the_ grand entertainment.
+
+Lights blazed in profusion; lamps more accustomed had now become better
+behaved; and the whole strength of the plate was called in requisition,
+sadly puzzling the unfortunate cook to find something to put upon the
+dishes. She, however, was a real magnanimous-minded woman, who would
+undertake to cook a lord mayor's feast--soups, sweets, joints, entrees, and
+all.
+
+Jawleyford was nearly silent during the dinner; indeed, he was too far off
+for conversation, had there been any for him to join in; which was not the
+case, for Amelia and Sponge kept up a hum of words, while Emily worked
+Robert Foozle with question and answer, such as:
+
+"Were your sisters out to-day?"
+
+"Yes, my sisters were out to-day."
+
+"Are your sisters going to the Christmas ball?"
+
+"Yes, my sisters are going to the Christmas ball," &c. &c.
+
+Still, nearly daft as Robert was, he was generally asked where there was
+anything going on; and more than one young la--but we will not tell about
+that, as he has nothing to do with our story.
+
+By the time the ladies took their departure, Mr. Jawleyford had somewhat
+recovered from the annoyance of his disappointment; and as they retired he
+rang the bell, and desired Spigot to set in the horse-shoe table, and bring
+a bottle of the "green seal," being the colour affixed on the bottles of a
+four-dozen hamper of port ("curious old port at 48_s_.") that had arrived
+from "Wintle & Co." by rail (goods train of course) that morning.
+
+"There!" exclaimed Jawleyford, as Spigot placed the richly cut decanter on
+the horse-shoe table. "There!" repeated he, drawing the green curtain as if
+to shade it from the fire, but in reality to hide the dulness the recent
+shaking had given it; "that wine," said he, "is a quarter of a century in
+bottle, at the very least."
+
+'Indeed,' observed Sponge: 'time it was drunk.'
+
+'A quarter of a century?' gaped Robert Foozle.
+
+'Quarter of a century if it's a day,' replied Jawleyford, smacking his lips
+as he set down his glass after imbibing the precious beverage.
+
+'Very fine,' observed Sponge; adding, as he sipped off his glass, 'it's odd
+to find such old wine so full-bodied.'
+
+'Well, now tell us all about your day's proceedings,' said Jawleyford,
+thinking it advisable to change the conversation at once. 'What sport had
+you with my lord?'
+
+'Oh, why, I really can't tell you much,' drawled Sponge, with an air of
+bewilderment. 'Strange country--strange faces--nobody I knew, and--'
+
+'Ah, true,' replied Jawleyford, 'true. It occurred to me after you were
+gone, that perhaps you might not know any one. Ours, you see, is rather an
+out-of-the-way country; few of our people go to town, or indeed anywhere
+else; they are all tarry-at-home birds. But they'd receive you with great
+politeness, I'm sure--if they knew you came from here, at least,' added he.
+
+Sponge was silent, and took a great gulp of the dull 'Wintle,' to save
+himself from answering.
+
+'Was my Lord Scamperdale out?' asked Jawleyford, seeing he was not going to
+get a reply.
+
+'Why, I can really hardly tell you that,' replied Sponge. 'There were two
+men out, either of whom might be him; at least, they both seemed to take
+the lead, and--and--' he was going to say 'blow up the people,' but he
+thought he might as well keep that to himself.
+
+'Stout, hale-looking men, dressed much alike, with great broad
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles on?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Just so,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Ah, you are right, then,' rejoined Jawleyford; 'it would be my lord.'
+
+'And who was the other?' inquired our friend.
+
+'Oh, that Jack Spraggon,' replied Jawleyford, curling up his nose, as if
+he was going to be sick; 'one of the most odious wretches under the sun. I
+really don't know any man that I have so great a dislike to, so utter a
+contempt for, as that Jack, as they call him.'
+
+'What is he?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Oh, just a hanger-on of his lordship's; the creature has nothing--nothing
+whatever; he lives on my lord--eats his venison, drinks his claret, rides
+his horses, bullies those his lordship doesn't like to tackle with, and
+makes himself generally useful.'
+
+'He seems a man of that sort,' observed Sponge, as he thought over the
+compliment he had received.
+
+'Well, who else had you out, then?' asked Jawleyford. 'Was Tom Washball
+there?'
+
+'No,' replied Sponge: '_he_ wasn't out, I know.'
+
+'Ah, that's unfortunate,' observed Jawleyford, helping himself and passing
+the bottle. 'Tom's a capital fellow--a perfect gentleman--great friend of
+mine. If he'd been out you'd have had nothing to do but mention my name,
+and he'd have put you all right in a minute. Who else was there, then?'
+continued he.
+
+'There was a tall man in black, on a good-looking young brown horse, rather
+rash at his fences, but a fine style of goer.'
+
+'What!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'man in drab cords and jack-boots, with the
+brim of his hat rather turning upwards?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Sponge; 'and a double ribbon for a hat-string.'
+
+'That's Master Blossomnose,' observed Jawleyford, scarcely able to contain
+his indignation. 'That's Master Blossomnose,' repeated he, taking a back
+hand at the port in the excitement of the moment. 'More to his credit if he
+were to stay at home and attend to his parish,' added Jawleyford; meaning,
+it would have been more to his credit if he had fulfilled his engagement to
+him that evening, instead of going out hunting in the morning.
+
+The two then sat silent for a time, Sponge seeing where the sore place was,
+and Robert Foozle, as usual, seeing nothing. 'Ah, well,' observed
+Jawleyford, at length breaking silence, 'it was unfortunate you went this
+morning. I did my best to prevent you--told you what a long way it was, and
+so on. However, never mind, we will put all right to-morrow. His lordship,
+I'm sure, will be most happy to see you. So help yourself,' continued he,
+passing the 'Wintle,' 'and we will drink his health and success to
+fox-hunting.'
+
+Sponge filled a bumper and drank his lordship's health, with the
+accompaniment as desired; and turning to Robert Foozle, who was doing
+likewise, said, 'Are you fond of hunting?'
+
+'Yes, I'm fond of hunting,' replied Foozle.
+
+'But you _don't_ hunt, you know, Robert,' observed Jawleyford.
+
+'No, I don't hunt,' replied Robert.
+
+The 'green seal' being demolished, Jawleyford ordered a bottle of the
+'other,' attributing the slight discoloration (which he did not discover
+until they had nearly finished the bottle) to change of atmosphere in the
+outer cellar. Sponge tackled vigorously with the new-comer, which was
+better than the first; and Robert Foozle, drinking as he spoke, by pattern,
+kept filling away, much to Jawleyford's dissatisfaction, who was compelled
+to order a third. During the progress of its demolition, the host's tongue
+became considerably loosened. He talked of hunting and the charms of the
+chase--of the good fellowship it produced: and expatiated on the advantages
+it was of to the country in a national point of view, promoting as it did a
+spirit of manly enterprise, and encouraging our unrivalled breed of horses;
+both of which he looked upon as national objects, well worthy the attention
+of enlightened men like himself.
+
+Jawleyford was a great patron of the chase; and his keeper, Watson, always
+had a bag-fox ready to turn down when my lord's hounds met there.
+Jawleyford's covers were never known to be drawn blank. Though they had
+been shot in the day before, they always held a fox the next--if a fox was
+wanted.
+
+Sponge being quite at home on the subjects of horses and hunting, lauded
+all his papa-in-law's observations up to the skies; occasionally
+considering whether it would be advisable to sell him a horse, and
+thinking, if he did, whether he should let him have one of the three he had
+down, or should get old Buckram to buy some quiet screw that would stand a
+little work and yield him (Sponge) a little profit, and yet not demolish
+the great patron of English sports. The more Jawleyford drank, the more
+energetic he became, and the greater pleasure he anticipated from the meet
+of the morrow. He docked the lord, and spoke of 'Scamperdale' as an
+excellent fellow--a real, good, hearty, honest Englishman--a man that 'the
+more you knew the more you liked'; all of which was very encouraging to
+Sponge. Spigot at length appeared to read the tea and coffee riot-act, when
+Jawleyford determined not to be done out of another bottle, pointing to the
+nearly emptied decanter, said to Robert Foozle, 'I suppose you'll not take
+any more wine?' To which Robert replied, 'No, I'll not take any more wine.'
+Whereupon, pushing out his chair and throwing away his napkin, Jawleyford
+arose and led the way to the drawing-room, followed by Sponge and this
+entertaining young gentleman.
+
+A round game followed tea; which, in its turn, was succeeded by a massive
+silver tray, chiefly decorated with cold water and tumblers; and as the
+various independent clocks in the drawing-room began chiming and striking
+eleven, Mr. Jawleyford thought he would try to get rid of Foozle by asking
+him if he hadn't better stay all night.
+
+'Yes, I think I'd better stay all night,' replied Foozle.
+
+'But won't they be expecting you at home, Robert?' asked Jawleyford, not
+feeling disposed to be caught in his own trap.
+
+'Yes, they'll be expecting me at home,' replied Foozle.
+
+'Then, perhaps you had better not alarm them by staying,' suggested
+Jawleyford.
+
+'No, perhaps I'd better not alarm them by staying,' repeated Foozle.
+Whereupon they all rose, and wishing him a very good night, Jawleyford
+handed him over to Spigot, who transferred him to one footman, who passed
+him to another, to button into his leather-headed shandridan.
+
+After talking Robert over, and expatiating on the misfortune it would be to
+have such a boy, Jawleyford rang the bell for the banquet of water to be
+taken away; and ordering breakfast half-an-hour earlier than usual, our
+friends went to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+THE F.H.H. AGAIN
+
+
+Gentlemen unaccustomed to public hunting often make queer figures of
+themselves when they go out. We have seen them in all sorts of odd dresses,
+half fox-hunters half fishermen, half fox-hunters half sailors, with now
+and then a good sturdy cross of the farmer.
+
+Mr. Jawleyford was a cross between a military dandy and a squire. The
+green-and-gold Bumperkin foraging-cap, with the letters 'B.Y.C.' in front,
+was cocked jauntily on one side of his badger-pyed head, while he played
+sportively with the patent leather strap--now, toying with it on his lip,
+now dropping it below his chin, now hitching it up on to the peak. He had a
+tremendously stiff stock on--so hard that no pressure made it wrinkle, and
+so high that his pointed gills could hardly peer above it. His coat was a
+bright green cut-away--made when collars were worn very high and very
+hollow, and when waists were supposed to be about the middle of a man's
+back, Jawleyford's back buttons occupying that remarkable position. These,
+which were of dead gold with a bright rim, represented a hare full stretch
+for her life, and were the buttons of the old Muggeridge hunt--a hunt that
+had died many years ago from want of the necessary funds (80_l_.) to carry
+it on. The coat, which was single-breasted and velvet-collared, was
+extremely swallow-tailed, presenting a remarkable contrast to the
+barge-built, roomy roundabouts of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt; the
+collar rising behind, in the shape of a Gothic arch, exhibited all the
+stitchings and threadings incident to that department of the garment.
+
+But if Mr. Jawleyford's coat went to 'hare,' his waistcoat was fox and all
+'fox.' On a bright blue ground he sported such an infinity of 'heads,' that
+there is no saying that he would have been safe in a kennel of unsteady
+hounds. One thing, to be sure, was in his favour--namely, that they were
+just as much like cats' heads as foxes'. The coat and waistcoat were old
+stagers, but his nether man was encased in rhubarb-coloured tweed
+pantaloons of the newest make--a species of material extremely soft and
+comfortable to wear, but not so well adapted for roughing it across
+country. These had a broad brown stripe down the sides, and were shaped out
+over the foot of his fine French-polished paper boots, the heels of which
+were decorated with long-necked, ringing spurs. Thus attired, with a little
+silver-mounted whip which he kept flourishing about, he encountered Mr.
+Sponge in the entrance-hall, after breakfast. Mr. Sponge, like all men who
+are 'extremely natty' themselves, men who wouldn't have a button out of
+place if it was ever so, hardly knew what to think of Jawleyford's costume.
+It was clear he was no sportsman; and then came the question, whether he
+was of the privileged few who may do what they like, and who can carry off
+any kind of absurdity. Whatever uneasiness Sponge felt on that score,
+Jawleyford, however, was quite at his ease, and swaggered about like an
+aide-de-camp at a review.
+
+'Well, we should be going, I suppose,' said he, drawing on a pair of
+half-dirty, lemon-coloured kid gloves, and sabreing the air with his whip.
+
+'Is Lord Scamperdale punctual?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Tol-lol,' replied Jawleyford, 'tol-lol.'
+
+'He'll wait for _you_, I suppose?' observed Sponge, thinking to try
+Jawleyford on that infallible criterion of favour.
+
+'Why, if he knew I was coming, I dare say he would,' replied Jawleyford
+slowly and deliberately, feeling it was now no time for flashing. 'If he
+knew I was coming I dare say he would,' repeated he; 'indeed, I make no
+doubt he would: but one doesn't like putting great men out of their way;
+besides which, it's just as easy to be punctual as otherwise. When I was in
+the Bumperkin--'
+
+'But your horse is on, isn't it?' interrupted Sponge; 'he'll see your horse
+there, you know.'
+
+'Horse on, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, 'horse on? No, certainly
+not. How should I get there myself, if my horse was on?'
+
+'Hack, to be sure,' replied Sponge, striking a light for his cigar.
+
+'Ah, but then I should have no groom to go with me,' observed Jawleyford,
+adding, 'one must make a certain appearance, you know. But come, my dear
+Mr. Sponge,' continued he, laying hold of our hero's arm, 'let us get to
+the door, for that cigar of yours will fumigate the whole house; and Mrs.
+Jawleyford hates the smell of tobacco.'
+
+Spigot, with his attendants in livery, here put a stop to the confab by
+hurrying past, drawing the bolts, and throwing back the spacious folding
+doors, as if royalty or Daniel Lambert himself were 'coming out.'
+
+The noise they made was heard outside; and on reaching the top of the
+spacious flight of steps, Sponge's piebald in charge of a dirty village
+lad, and Jawleyford's steeds with a sky-blue groom, were seen scuttling
+under the portoco, for the owners to mount. The Jawleyford cavalry was none
+of the best; but Jawleyford was pleased with it, and that is a great thing.
+Indeed, a thing had only to be Jawleyford's, to make Jawleyford excessively
+fond of it.
+
+'There!' exclaimed he, as they reached the third step from the bottom.
+'There!' repeated he, seizing Sponge by the arm, 'that's what I call shape.
+You don't see such an animal as that every day,' pointing to a not badly
+formed, but evidently worn-out, over-knee'd bay, that stood knuckling and
+trembling for Jawleyford to mount.
+
+'One of the "has beens," I should say,' replied Sponge, puffing a cloud of
+smoke right past Jawleyford's nose; adding, 'It's a pity but you could get
+him four new legs.'
+
+'Faith, I don't see that he wants anything of the sort,' retorted
+Jawleyford, nettled as well at the smoke as the observation.
+
+'Well, where "ignorance is bliss," &c.,' replied Sponge, with another
+great puff, which nearly blinded Jawleyford. 'Get on, and let's see how he
+goes,' added he, passing on to the piebald as he spoke.
+
+Mr. Jawleyford then mounted; and having settled himself into a military
+seat, touched the old screw with the spur, and set off at a canter. The
+piebald, perhaps mistaking the portico for a booth, and thinking it was a
+good place to exhibit it, proceeded to die in the most approved form; and
+not all Sponge's 'Come-up's' or kicks could induce him to rise before he
+had gone through the whole ceremony. At length, with a mane full of gravel,
+a side well smeared, and a 'Wilkinson & Kidd' sadly scratched, the
+_ci-devant_ actor arose, much to the relief of the village lad, who having
+indulged in a gallop as he brought him from Lucksford, expected his death
+would be laid at his door. No sooner was he up, than, without waiting for
+him to shake himself, Mr. Soapey vaulted into the saddle, and seizing him
+by the head, let in the Latchfords in a style that satisfied the hack he
+was not going to canter in a circle. Away he went, best pace; for like all
+Mr. Sponge's horses, he had the knack of going, the general difficulty
+being to get them to go the way they were wanted.
+
+Sponge presently overtook Mr. Jawleyford, who had been brought up by a
+gate, which he was making sundry ineffectual Briggs-like passes and efforts
+to open; the gate and his horse seeming to have combined to prevent his
+getting through. Though an expert swordsman, he had never been able to
+accomplish, the art of opening a gate, especially one of those gingerly
+balanced spring-snecked things that require to be taken at the nick of
+time, or else they drop just as the horse gets his nose to them.
+
+'Why aren't you here to open the gate?' asked Jawleyford, snappishly, as
+the blue boy bustled up as his master's efforts became more hopeless at
+each attempt.
+
+The lad, like a wise fellow, dropped from his horse, and opening it with
+his hands, ran it back on foot.
+
+Jawleyford and Sponge then rode through.
+
+Canter, canter, canter, went Jawleyford, with an arm akimbo, head well up,
+legs well down, toes well pointed, as if he were going to a race, where his
+work would end on arriving, instead of to a fox-hunt, where it would only
+begin.
+
+[Illustration: JAWLEYFORD GOING TO THE HUNT]
+
+'You are rather hard on the old nag, aren't you?' at length asked Sponge,
+as, having cleared the rushy, swampy park, they came upon the macadamized
+turnpike, and Jawleyford selected the middle of it as the scene of his
+further progression.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Jawleyford, tit-tup-ing along with a loose rein, as if he
+was on the soundest, freshest-legged horse in the world; 'oh no! my horses
+are used to it.' 'Well, but if you mean to hunt him,' observed Sponge,
+'he'll be blown before he gets to cover.'
+
+'Get him in wind, my dear fellow,' replied Jawleyford, 'get him in wind,'
+touching the horse with the spur as he spoke.
+
+'Faith, but if he was as well on his legs as he is in his wind, he'd not be
+amiss,' rejoined Sponge.
+
+So they cantered and trotted, and trotted and cantered away, Sponge
+thinking he could afford pace as well as Jawleyford. Indeed, a horse has
+only to become a hack, to be able to do double the work he was ever
+supposed to be capable of.
+
+But to the meet.
+
+Scrambleford Green was a small straggling village on the top of a somewhat
+high hill, that divided the vale in which Jawleyford Court was situated
+from the more fertile one of Farthinghoe, in which Lord Scamperdale lived.
+
+It was one of those out-of-the-way places at which the meet of the hounds,
+and a love feast or fair, consisting of two fiddlers (one for each
+public-house), a few unlicensed packmen, three or four gingerbread stalls,
+a drove of cows and some sheep, form the great events of the year among a
+people who are thoroughly happy and contented with that amount of gaiety.
+Think of that, you 'used up' young gentlemen of twenty, who have exhausted
+the pleasures of the world! The hounds did not come to Scrambleford Green
+often, for it was not a favourite meet; and when they did come, Frosty and
+the men generally had them pretty much to themselves. This day, however,
+was the exception; and Old Tom Yarnley, whom age had bent nearly double,
+and who hobbled along on two sticks, declared that never in the course of
+his recollection, a period extending over the best part of a century, had
+he seen such a 'sight of red coats' as mustered that morning at
+Scrambleford Green. It seemed as if there had been a sudden rising of
+sportsmen. What brought them all out? What brought Mr. Puffington, the
+master of the Hanby hounds, out? What brought Blossomnose again? What Mr.
+Wake, Mr. Fossick, Mr. Fyle, who had all been out the day before? Reader,
+the news had spread throughout the country that there was a great writer
+down; and they wanted to see what he would say of them--they had come to
+sit for their portraits, in fact. There was a great gathering, at least for
+the Flat Hat Hunt, who seldom mustered above a dozen. Tom Washball came, in
+a fine new coat and new flat-fliped hat with a broad binding; also Mr.
+Sparks, of Spark Hall; Major Mark; Mr. Archer, of Cheam Lodge; Mr. Reeves,
+of Coxwell Green; Mr. Bliss, of Boltonshaw; Mr. Joyce, of Ebstone; Dr.
+Capon, of Calcot; Mr. Dribble, of Hook; Mr. Slade, of Three-Burrow Hill;
+and several others. Great was the astonishment of each as the other cast
+up.
+
+'Why, here's Joe Reeves!' exclaimed Blossomnose. 'Who'd have thought of
+seeing you?'
+
+'And who'd have thought of seeing _you_?' rejoined Reeves, shaking hands
+with the jolly old nose.
+
+'Here's Tom Washball in time for once, I declare!' exclaimed Mr. Fyle, as
+Mr. Washball cantered up in apple-pie order.
+
+'Wonders will never cease!' observed Fossick, looking Washy over.
+
+So the field sat in a ring about the hounds in the centre of which, as
+usual, were Jack and Lord Scamperdale, looking with their great
+tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles, and short grey whiskers trimmed in a
+curve up to their noses, like a couple of horned owls in hats.
+
+'Here's the man on the cow!' exclaimed Jack, as he espied Sponge and
+Jawleyford rising the hill together, easing their horses by standing in
+their stirrups and holding on by their manes.
+
+'You don't say so!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, turning his horse in the
+direction Jack was looking, and staring for hard life too. 'So there is, I
+declare!' observed he.' And who the deuce is this with him?'
+
+'That ass Jawleyford, as I live!' exclaimed Jack, as the blue-coated
+servant now hove in sight.
+
+'So it is!' said Lord Scamperdale; 'the confounded humbug!'
+
+'This boy'll be after one of the young ladies,' observed Jack; 'not one of
+the writing chaps we thought he was.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Lord Scamperdale; adding, in an undertone, 'I
+vote we have a rise out of old Jaw. I'll let you in for a good thing--you
+shall dine with him.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Jack.
+
+'You _shall_, though,' replied his lordship firmly.
+
+'Pray don't!' entreated Jack.
+
+'By the powers, if you don't,' rejoined his lordship, 'you shall not have a
+mount out of me for a month.'
+
+While this conversation was going on, Jawleyford and Sponge, having risen
+the hill, had resumed their seats in the saddle, and Jawleyford, setting
+himself in attitude, tickled his horse with his spur, and proceeded to
+canter becomingly up to the pack; Sponge and the groom following a little
+behind.
+
+'Ah, Jawleyford, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, putting his
+horse on a few steps to meet him as he came flourishing up. 'Ah,
+Jawleyford, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to see you,' extending a hand as
+he spoke. 'Jack, here, told me that he saw your flag flying as he passed,
+and I said what a pity it was but I'd known before; for Jawleyford, said I,
+is a real good fellow, one of the best fellows I know, and has asked me to
+dine so often that I'm almost ashamed to meet him; and it would have been
+such a nice opportunity to have volunteered a visit, the hounds being here,
+you see.'
+
+'Oh, that's so kind of your lordship!' exclaimed Jawleyford, quite
+delighted--'that's so kind of your lordship--that's just what I
+like!--that's just what Mrs. Jawleyford likes!--that's just what we all
+like!--coming without fuss or ceremony, just as my friend Mr. Sponge, here,
+does. By the way, will your lordship give me leave to introduce my friend
+Mr. Sponge--my Lord Scamperdale.' Jawleyford suiting the action to the
+word, and manoeuvring the ceremony.
+
+'Ah, I made Mr. Sponge's acquaintance yesterday,' observed his lordship
+drily, giving a sort of servants' touch of his hat as he scrutinized our
+friend through his formidable glasses, adding, 'To tell you the truth,'
+addressing himself in an underone to Sponge, 'I took you for one of those
+nasty writing chaps, who I 'bominate. But,' continued his lordship,
+returning to Jawleyford. 'I'll tell you what I said about the dinner. Jack,
+here, told me the flag was flying; and I said I only wished I'd known
+before, and I would certainly have proposed that Jack and I should dine
+with you, either to-day or to-morrow; but unfortunately I'd engaged myself
+to my Lord Barker's not five minutes before.'
+
+'Ah, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford, throwing out his hand and shrugging
+his shoulders as if in despair, 'you tantalize me--you do indeed. You
+should have come, or said nothing about it. You distress me--you do
+indeed.'
+
+'Well, I'm wrong, perhaps,' replied his lordship, patting Jawleyford
+encouragingly on the shoulder; 'but, however, I'll tell you what,' said he,
+'Jack here's not engaged, and he shall come to you.'
+
+'Most happy to see Mr.--ha--hum--haw--Jack--that's to say, Mr. Spraggon,'
+replied Jawleyford, bowing very low, and laying his hand on his heart, as
+if quite overpowered at the idea of the honour.
+
+'Then, that's a bargain, Jack,' said his lordship, looking knowingly round
+at his much disconcerted friend; 'you dine and stay all night at Jawleyford
+Court to-morrow! and mind,' added he, 'make yourself 'greeable to the
+girls--ladies, that's to say.'
+
+'Couldn't your lordship arrange it so that we might have the pleasure of
+seeing you both on some future day?' asked Jawleyford, anxious to avert the
+Jack calamity. 'Say next week,' continued he; 'or suppose you meet at the
+Court?'
+
+'Ha--he--hum. Meet at the Court,' mumbled his lordship--'meet at the
+Court--ha--he--ha--hum--no;--got no foxes.'
+
+'Plenty of foxes, I assure you, my lord!' exclaimed Jawleyford. 'Plenty of
+foxes!' repeated he.
+
+'We never find them, then, somehow,' observed his lordship, drily; 'at
+least, none but those three-legged beggars in the laurels at the back of
+the stables.'
+
+'Ah! that will be the fault of the hounds,' replied Jawleyford; 'they don't
+take sufficient time to draw--run through the covers too quickly.'
+
+'Fault of the hounds be hanged!' exclaimed Jack, who was the champion of
+the pack generally. 'There's not a more patient, painstaking pack in the
+world than his lordship's.'
+
+'Ah--well--ah--never mind that,' replied his lordship, 'Jaw and you can
+settle that point over your wine to-morrow; meanwhile, if your friend Mr.
+What's-his-name here, 'll get his horse,' continued his lordship,
+addressing himself to Jawleyford, but looking at Sponge, who was still on
+the piebald, 'we'll throw off.'
+
+'Thank you, my lord,' replied Sponge; 'but I'll mount at the cover side.
+Sponge not being inclined to let the Flat Hat Hunt field see the difference
+of opinion that occasionally existed between the gallant brown and himself.
+
+'As you please,' rejoined his lordship, 'as you please,' jerking his head
+at Frostyface, who forthwith gave the office to the hounds; whereupon all
+was commotion. Away the cavalcade went, and in less than five minutes the
+late bustling village resumed its wonted quiet; the old man on sticks, two
+crones gossiping at a door, a rag-or-anything-else-gatherer going about
+with a donkey, and a parcel of dirty children tumbling about on the green,
+being all that remained on the scene. All the able-bodied men had followed
+the hounds. Why the hounds had ever climbed the long hill seemed a mystery,
+seeing that they returned the way they came.
+
+Jawleyford, though sore disconcerted at having 'Jack' pawned upon him,
+stuck to my lord, and rode on his right with the air of a general. He felt
+he was doing his duty as an Englishman in thus patronizing the
+hounds--encouraging a manly spirit of independence, and promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses. The post-boy trot at which hounds travel, to be
+sure, is not well adapted for dignity; but Jawleyford nourished and
+vapoured as well as he could under the circumstances, and considering they
+were going down hill. Lord Scamperdale rode along, laughing in his sleeve
+at the idea of the pleasant evening Jack and Jawleyford would have
+together, occasionally complimenting Jawleyford on the cut and condition of
+his horse, and advising him to be careful of the switching raspers with
+which the country abounded, and which might be fatal to his nice
+nutmeg--coloured trousers. The rest of the 'field' followed, the fall of
+the ground enabling them to see 'how thick Jawleyford was with my lord.'
+Old Blossomnose, who, we should observe, had slipped away unperceived on
+Jawleyford's arrival, took a bird's-eye view from the rear. Naughty Blossom
+was riding the horse that ought to have gone in the 'chay' to Jawleyford
+Court.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+THE GREAT RUN
+
+
+Our hero having inveigled the brown under lee of an out-house as the field
+moved along, was fortunate enough to achieve the saddle without disclosing
+the secrets of the stable; and as he rejoined the throng in all the pride
+of shape, action, and condition, even the top-sawyers, Fossick, Fyle,
+Bliss, and others, admitted that Hercules was not a bad-like horse; while
+the humbler-minded ones eyed Sponge with a mixture of awe and envy,
+thinking what a fine trade literature must be to stand such a horse.
+
+'Is your friend What's-his-name, a workman?' asked Lord Scamperdale,
+nodding towards Sponge as he trotted Hercules gently past on the turf by
+the side of the road along which they were riding.
+
+'Oh no,' replied Jawleyford tartly. 'Oh no--gentleman, man of property--'
+
+'I did not mean was he a mechanic,' explained his lordship drily, 'but a
+workman; a good 'un across country, in fact.' His lordship working his arms
+as if he was going to set-to himself.
+
+'Oh, a first-rate man!--first-rate man!' replied Jawleyford; 'beat them all
+at Laverick Wells.'
+
+'I thought so,' observed his lordship; adding to himself, 'then Jack shall
+take the conceit out of him.'
+
+'Jack!' halloaed he over his shoulder to his friend, who was jogging a
+little behind; 'Jack!' repeated he, 'that Mr. Something--'
+
+'_Sponge_!' observed Jawleyford, with an emphasis.
+
+'That Mr. Sponge,' continued his lordship, 'is a stranger in the country:
+have the kindness to take _care_ of him. You know what I mean?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Jack; 'I'll take care of him.'
+
+'Most polite of your lordship, I'm sure,' said Jawleyford, with a low bow,
+and laying his hand on his breast. 'I can assure you I shall never forget
+the marked attention I have received from your lordship this day.'
+
+'Thank you for nothing,' grunted his lordship to himself.
+
+Bump, bump; trot, trot; jabber, jabber, on they went as before.
+
+They had now got to the cover, Tickler Gorse, and ere the last horsemen had
+reached the last angle of the long hill, Frostyface was rolling about on
+foot in the luxuriant evergreen; now wholly visible, now all but overhead,
+like a man buffeting among the waves of the sea. Save Frosty's cheery voice
+encouraging the invisible pack to 'wind him!' and 'rout him out!' an
+injunction that the shaking of the gorse showed they willingly obeyed, and
+an occasional exclamation from Jawleyford, of 'Beautiful! beautiful!--never
+saw better hounds!--can't be a finer pack!' not a sound disturbed the
+stillness of the scene. The waggoners on the road stopped their wains, the
+late noisy ploughmen leaned vacantly on their stilts, the turnip-pullers
+stood erect in air, and the shepherds' boys deserted the bleating
+flocks;--all was life and joy and liberty--'Liberty, equality, and
+foxhunt-ity!'
+
+'Yo--i--cks, wind him! Y--o--o--icks! rout him out!' went Frosty;
+occasionally varying the entertainment with a loud crack of his heavy whip,
+when he could get upon a piece of rising ground to clear the thong.
+
+'Tally-ho!' screamed Jawleyford, hoisting the Bumperkin Yeomanry cap in the
+air. 'Tally-ho!' repeated he, looking triumphantly round, as much as to
+say, 'What a clever boy am I!'
+
+'Hold your noise!' roared Jack, who was posted a little below. 'Don't you
+see it's a hare?' added he, amidst the uproarious mirth of the company.
+
+'I haven't your great staring specs on, or I should have seen he hadn't a
+tail,' retorted Jawleyford, nettled at the tone in which Jack had addressed
+him.
+
+'Tail be--!' replied Jack, with a sneer; 'who but a tailor would call it a
+tail?'
+
+Just then a light low squeak of a whimper was heard in the thickest part of
+the gorse, and Frostyface cheered the hound to the echo. 'Hoick to,
+Pillager! H--o--o--ick!' screamed he, in a long-drawn note, that thrilled
+through every frame, and set the horses a-capering.
+
+Ere Frosty's prolonged screech was fairly finished, there was such an
+outburst of melody, and such a shaking of the gorse-bushes, as plainly
+showed there was no safety for Reynard in cover; and great was the bustle
+and commotion among the horsemen. Mr. Fossick lowered his hat-string and
+ran the fox's tooth through the buttonhole; Fyle drew his girths; Washball
+took a long swig at his hunting-horn-shaped monkey; Major Mark and Mr.
+Archer threw away their cigar ends; Mr. Bliss drew on his dogskin gloves;
+Mr. Wake rolled the thong of his whip round the stick, to be better able to
+encounter his puller; Mr. Sparks got a yokel to take up a link of his curb;
+George Smith and Joe Smith looked at their watches; Sandy McGregor, the
+factor, filled his great Scotch nose with Irish snuff, exclaiming, as he
+dismissed the balance from his fingers by a knock against his thigh, 'Oh,
+my mon, aw think this tod will gie us a ran!' while Blossomnose might be
+seen stealing gently forward, on the far side of a thick fence, for the
+double purpose of shirking Jawleyford and getting a good start.
+
+In the midst of these and similar preparations for the fray, up went a
+whip's cap at the low end of the cover; and a volley of 'Tallyhos' burst
+from our friends, as the fox, whisking his white-tipped brush in the air,
+was seen stealing away over the grassy hill beyond. What a commotion was
+there! How pale some looked! How happy others!
+
+'Sing out, Jack! for heaven's sake, sing out!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale;
+an enthusiastic sportsman, always as eager for a run as if he had never
+seen one. 'Sing out, Jack; or, by Jove, they'll override 'em at starting!'
+
+'HOLD HARD, gentlemen,' roared Jack, clapping spurs into his grey,
+or rather, into his lordship's grey, dashing in front, and drawing the
+horse across the road to stop the progression of the field. 'HOLD
+HARD, _one minute_!' repeated Jack, standing erect in his stirrups,
+and menacing them with his whip (a most formidable one). 'Whatever you do,
+_pray_ let them get away! _Pray_ don't spoil your own sport! Pray remember
+they're his lordship's hounds!--that they cost him five-and-twenty
+under'd--two thousand five under'd a year! And where, let me ax, with wheat
+down to nothing, would you get another, if he was to throw up?'
+
+As Jack made this inquiry, he took a hurried glance at the now pouring-out
+pack; and seeing they were safe away, he wiped the foam from his mouth on
+his sleeve, dropped into his saddle, and, catching his horse short round by
+the head, clapped spurs into his sides, and galloped away, exclaiming:
+
+'Now, ye tinkers, we'll all start fair!'
+
+Then there was such a scrimmage! such jostling and elbowing among the
+jealous ones; such ramming and cramming among the eager ones; such
+pardon-begging among the polite ones; such spurting of ponies, such
+clambering of cart-horses. All were bent on going as far as they could--all
+except Jawleyford, who sat curvetting and prancing in the patronizing sort
+of way gentlemen do who encourage hounds for the sake of the manly spirit
+the sport engenders, and the advantage hunting is of in promoting our
+unrivalled breed of horses.
+
+His lordship having slipped away, horn in hand, under pretence of blowing
+the hounds out of cover, as soon as he set Jack at the field, had now got a
+good start, and, horse well in hand, was sailing away in their wake.
+
+'F-o-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Frostyface, coming up alongside of him, holding
+his horse--a magnificent thoroughbred bay--well by the head, and settling
+himself into his saddle as he went.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship, thrusting his spectacles on to his
+nose.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the huntsman's deep-sounding horn.
+
+'T'weet--t'weet--t'weet,' went his lordship's shriller one.
+
+'In for a stinger, my lurd,' observed Jack, returning his horn to the case.
+
+'Hope so,' replied his lordship, pocketing his.
+
+They then flew the first fence together.
+
+'F-o-r-r-ard!' screamed Jack in the air, as he saw the hounds packing well
+together, and racing with a breast-high scent.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screamed his lordship, who was a sort of echo to his
+huntsman, just as Jack Spraggon was echo to his lordship.
+
+'He's away for Gunnersby Craigs,' observed Jack, pointing that way, for
+they were a good ten miles off.
+
+'Hope so,' replied his lordship, for whom the distance could never be too
+great, provided the pace corresponded.
+
+'F-o-o-r-rard!' screamed Jack.
+
+'F-o-r-rard!' screeched his lordship.
+
+So they went flying and 'forrarding' together; none of the field--thanks to
+Jack Spraggon--being able to overtake them.
+
+'Y-o-o-nder he goes!' at last cried Frosty, taking off his cap as he viewed
+the fox, some half-mile ahead, stealing away round the side of Newington
+Hill.
+
+'Tallyho!' screeched his lordship, riding with his flat hat in the air, by
+way of exciting the striving field to still further exertion.
+
+'He's a good 'un!' exclaimed Frosty, eyeing the fox's going.
+
+'He is that!' replied his lordship, staring at him with all his might.
+
+Then they rode on, and were presently rounding Newington Hill themselves,
+the hounds packing well together, and carrying a famous head.
+
+His lordship now looked to see what was going on behind.
+
+Scrambleford Hill was far in the rear. Jawleyford and the boy in blue were
+altogether lost in the distance. A quarter of a mile or so this way were a
+couple of dots of horsemen, one on a white, the other on a dark
+colour--most likely Jones, the keeper, and Farmer Stubble, on the foaly
+mare. Then, a little nearer, was a man in a hedge, trying to coax his horse
+after him, stopping the way of two boys in white trousers, whose ponies
+looked like rats. Again, a little nearer, were some of the persevering
+ones--men who still hold on in the forlorn hopes of a check--all
+dark-coated, and mostly trousered. Then came the last of the red-coats--Tom
+Washball, Charley Joyce, and Sam Sloman, riding well in the first flight of
+second horsemen--his lordship's pad-groom, Mr. Fossick's man in drab with a
+green collar, Mr. Wake's in blue, also a lad in scarlet and a flat hat,
+with a second horse for the huntsman. Drawing still nearer came the
+ruck--men in red, men in brown, men in livery, a farmer or two in fustian,
+all mingled together; and a few hundred yards before these, and close upon
+his lordship, were the _elite_ of the field--five men in scarlet and one in
+black. Let us see who they are. By the powers, Mr. Sponge is first!--Sponge
+sailing away at his ease, followed by Jack, who is staring at him through
+his great lamps, longing to launch out at him, but as yet wanting an
+excuse; Sponge having ridden with judgement--judgement, at least, in
+everything except in having taken the lead of Jack. After Jack comes old
+black-booted Blossomnose; and Messrs. Wake, Fossick, and Fyle, complete our
+complement of five. They are all riding steadily and well; all very irate,
+however, at the stranger for going before them, and ready to back Jack in
+anything he may say or do.
+
+On, on they go; the hounds still pressing forward, though not carrying
+quite so good a head as before. In truth, they have run four miles in
+twenty minutes; pretty good going anywhere except upon paper, where they
+always go unnaturally fast. However, there they are, still pressing on,
+though with considerably less music than before.
+
+After rounding Newington Hill, they got into a wilder and worse sort of
+country, among moorish, ill-cultivated land, with cold unwholesome-looking
+fallows. The day, too, seemed changing for the worse; a heavy black cloud
+hanging overhead. The hounds were at length brought to their noses.
+
+His lordship, who had been riding all eyes, ears, and fears, foresaw the
+probability of this; and pulling-to his horse, held up his hand, the usual
+signal for Jack to 'sing out' and stop the field. Sponge saw the signal,
+but, unfortunately, Hercules didn't; and tearing along with his head to the
+ground, resolutely bore our friend not only past his lordship, but right on
+to where the now stooping pack were barely feathering on the line.
+
+Then Jack and his lordship sang out together.
+
+'_Hold hard!_' screeched his lordship, in a dreadful state of excitement.
+
+'HOLD HARD!' thundered Jack.
+
+Sponge _was_ holding hard--hard enough to split the horse's jaws, but the
+beast would go on, notwithstanding.
+
+'By the powers, he's among 'em again!' shouted his lordship, as the
+resolute beast, with his upturned head almost pulled round to Sponge's
+knee, went star-gazing on like the blind man in Regent Street. 'Sing out,
+Jack! sing out! for heaven's sake sing out,' shrieked his lordship,
+shutting his eyes, as he added, 'or he'll kill every man jack of them.'
+
+'NOW, SUR!' roared Jack, 'can't you steer that 'ere aggravatin'
+quadruped of yours?'
+
+'Oh, you pestilential son of a pontry-maid!' screeched his lordship, as
+Brilliant ran yelping away from under Sponge's horse's feet. 'Sing out,
+Jack! sing out!' gasped his lordship again.
+
+'Oh, you scandalous, hypocritical, rusty-booted, numb-handed son of a
+puffing corn-cutter, why don't you turn your attention to feeding hens,
+cultivating cabbages, or making pantaloons for small folk, instead of
+killing hounds in this wholesale way?' roared Jack; an inquiry that set him
+foaming again.
+
+'Oh, you unsightly, sanctified, idolatrous, Bagnigge-Wells coppersmith, you
+think because I'm a lord, and can't swear or use coarse language, that you
+may do what you like; rot you, sir, I'll present you with a testimonial!
+I'll settle a hundred a year upon you if you'll quit the country. By the
+powers, they're away again!' added his lordship, who, with one eye on
+Sponge and the other on the pack, had been watching Frosty lifting them
+over the bad scenting-ground, till, holding them on to a hedgerow beyond,
+they struck the scent on good sound pasture, and went away at score, every
+hound throwing his tongue, and filling the air with joyful melody. Away
+they swept like a hurricane. 'F-o-o-rard!' was again the cry.
+
+'Hang it, Jack,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, laying his hand on his
+_double's_ shoulder, as they galloped alongside of each other, 'Hang it,
+Jack, see if you can't sarve out this unrighteous, mahogany-booted,
+rattle-snake. _Do_ if you die for it!--I'll bury your remainders
+genteelly--patent coffin with brass nails, all to yourself--put Frosty and
+all the fellows in black, and raise a white marble monument to your memory,
+declaring you were the most spotless virtuous man under the sun.'
+
+'Let me off dining with Jaw, and I'll do my best,' replied Jack.
+
+'Done!' screamed his lordship, flourishing his right arm in the air, as he
+flew over a great stone wall.
+
+A good many of the horses and sportsmen too had had enough before the
+hounds checked; and the quick way Frosty lifted them and hit off the scent,
+did not give them much time to recruit. Many of them now sat hat in hand,
+mopping, and puffing, and turning their red perspiring faces to the wind.
+'Poough,' gasped one, as if he was going to be sick; 'Puff,' went another;
+'Oh! but it's 'ot!' exclaimed a third, pulling off his limp neckcloth;
+'Wonder if there's any ale hereabouts,' cried a fourth; 'Terrible run!'
+observed a fifth; 'Ten miles at least,' gasped another. Meanwhile the
+hounds went streaming on; and it is wonderful how soon those who don't
+follow are left hopelessly in the rear.
+
+Of the few that did follow, Mr. Sponge, however, was one. Nothing daunted
+by the compliments that had been paid him, he got Hercules well in hand;
+and the horse dropping again on the bit, resumed his place in front, going
+as strong and steadily as ever. Thus he went, throwing the mud in the
+faces of those behind, regardless of the oaths and imprecations that
+followed; Sponge knowing full well they would do the same by him if they
+could.
+
+'All jealousy,' said Sponge, spurring his horse. 'Never saw such a jealous
+set of dogs in my life.'
+
+An accommodating lane soon presented itself, along which they all pounded,
+with the hounds running parallel through the enclosures on the left; Sponge
+sending such volleys of pebbles and mud in his rear as made it advisable to
+keep a good way behind him. The line was now apparently for Firlingham
+Woods; but on nearing the thatched cottage on Gasper Heath, the fox, most
+likely being headed, had turned short to the right; and the chase now lay
+over Sheeplow Water meadows, and so on to Bolsover brick-fields, when the
+pack again changed from hunting to racing, and the pace for a time was
+severe. His lordship having got his second horse at the turn, was ready for
+the tussle, and plied away vigorously, riding, as usual, with all his
+heart, with all his mind, with all his soul, and with all his strength;
+while Jack, still on the grey, came plodding diligently along in the rear,
+saving his horse as much as he could. His lordship charged a stiff flight
+of rails in the brick-fields; while Jack, thinking to save his, rode at a
+weak place in the fence, a little higher up, and in an instant was soused
+overhead in a clay-hole.
+
+'Duck under, Jack! duck under!' screamed his lordship, as Jack's head rose
+to the surface. 'Duck under! you'll have it full directly!' added he,
+eyeing Sponge and the rest coming up.
+
+Sponge, however, saw the splash, and turning a little lower down, landed
+safe on sound ground; while poor Blossomnose, who was next, went
+floundering overhead also. But the pace was too good to stop to fish them
+out.
+
+'Dash it,' said Sponge, looking at them splashing about, 'but that was a
+near go for me!'
+
+Jack being thus disposed of, Sponge, with increased confidence, rose in his
+stirrups, easing the redoubtable Hercules; and patting him on the shoulder,
+at the same time that he gave him the gentlest possible touch of the spur,
+exclaimed, 'By the powers, we'll show these old Flat Hats the trick!' He
+then commenced humming:
+
+    Mister Sponge, the raspers taking,
+    Sets the junkers' nerves a shaking;
+
+and riding cheerfully on, he at length found himself on the confines of a
+wild rough-looking moor, with an undulating range of hills in the distance.
+
+Frostyface and Lord Scamperdale here for the first time diverged from the
+line the hounds were running, and made for the neck of a smooth, flat,
+rather inviting-looking piece of ground, instead of crossing it, Sponge,
+thinking to get a niche, rode to it; and the 'deeper and deeper still' sort
+of flounder his horse made soon let him know that he was in a bog. The
+impetuous Hercules rushed and reared onwards as if to clear the wide
+expanse; and alighting still lower, shot Sponge right overhead in the
+middle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'_That's_ cooked _your_ goose!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing Sponge and
+his horse floundering about in the black porridge-like mess.
+
+'Catch my horse!' hallooed Sponge to the first whip, who came galloping up
+as Hercules was breasting his way out again.
+
+'Catch him yourself,' grunted the man, galloping on.
+
+A peat-cutter, more humane, received the horse as he emerged from the black
+sea, exclaiming, as the now-piebald Sponge came lobbing after on foot, 'A,
+sir! but ye should niver set tee to ride through sic a place as that!'
+
+Sponge, having generously rewarded the man with a fourpenny piece, for
+catching his horse and scraping the thick of the mud off him, again
+mounted, and cantered round the point he should at first have gone; but his
+chance was out--the farther he went, the farther he was left behind; till
+at last, pulling up, he stood watching the diminishing pack, rolling like
+marbles over the top of Rotherjade Hill, followed by his lordship hugging
+his horse round the neck as he went, and the huntsman and whips leading and
+driving theirs up before them.
+
+'Nasty jealous old beggar!' said Sponge, eyeing his lessening lordship
+disappearing over the hill too. Sponge then performed the sickening
+ceremony of turning away from hounds running; not but that he might have
+plodded on on the line, and perhaps seen or heard what became of the fox,
+but Sponge didn't hunt on those terms. Like a good many other gentlemen, he
+would be first, or nowhere.
+
+If it was any consolation to him, he had plenty of companions in
+misfortune. The line was dotted with horsemen back to the brick-fields. The
+first person he overtook wending his way home in the discontented, moody
+humour of a thrown-out man, was Mr. Puffington master of the Hanby hounds;
+at whose appearance at the meet we expressed our surprise.
+
+Neighbouring masters of hounds are often more or less jealous of each
+other. No man in the master-of-hound world is too insignificant for
+censure. Lord Scamperdale _was_ an undoubted sportsman; while poor Mr.
+Puffington thought of nothing but how to be thought one. Hearing the
+mistaken rumour that a great writer was down, he thought that his chance of
+immortality was arrived; and, ordering his best horse, and putting on his
+best apparel, had braved the jibes and sneers of Jack and his lordship for
+the purpose of scraping acquaintance with the stranger. In that he had been
+foiled: there was no time at the meet to get introduced, neither could he
+get jostled beside Sponge in going down to the cover; while the quick find,
+the quick get away, followed by the quick thing we have described, were
+equally unfavourable to the undertaking. Nevertheless, Mr. Puffington had
+held on beyond the brick-fields; and had he but persevered a little
+farther, he would have had the satisfaction of helping Mr. Sponge out of
+the bog.
+
+Sponge now, seeing a red coat a little before, trotted on, and quickly
+overtook a fine nippy, satin-stocked, dandified looking gentleman, with
+marvellously smart leathers and boots--a great contrast to the large,
+roomy, bargemanlike costume of the members of the Flat Hat Hunt.
+
+'You're not hurt, I hope?' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, with well-feigned
+anxiety, as he looked at Mr. Sponge's black-daubed clothes.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Sponge. 'Oh no!--fell soft--fell soft. More dirt, less
+hurt--more dirt, less hurt.'
+
+'Why, you've been in a bog!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, eyeing the
+much-stained Hercules.
+
+'Almost over head,' replied Sponge. 'Scamperdale saw me going, and hadn't
+the grace to halloa.'
+
+'Ah, that's like him,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'that's like him: there's
+nothing pleases him so much as getting fellows into grief.'
+
+'Not very polite to a stranger,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'No, it isn't,' replied Mr. Puffington, 'no, it isn't; far from it
+indeed--far from it; but, low be it spoken,' added he, 'his lordship is
+only a roughish sort of customer.'
+
+'So he is,' replied Mr. Sponge, who thought it fine to abuse a nobleman.
+
+'The fact is,' said Mr. Puffington, 'these Flat Hat chaps are all snobs.
+They think there are no such fine fellows as themselves under the sun; and
+if ever a stranger looks near them, they make a point of being as rude and
+disagreeable to him as they possibly can. This is what they call keeping
+the hunt select.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Mr. Sponge, recollecting how they had complimented
+him, adding, 'they seem a queer set.'
+
+'There's a fellow they call "Jack,"' observed Mr. Puffington, 'who acts as
+a sort of bulldog to his lordship, and worries whoever his lordship sets
+him upon. He got into a clay-hole a little farther back, and a precious
+splashing he was making, along with the chaplain, old Blossomnose.'
+
+'Ah, I saw him,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'You should come and see _my_ hounds,' observed Mr. Puffington.
+
+'What are they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The Hanby,' replied Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Oh! then you are Mr. Puffington,' observed Sponge, who had a sort of
+general acquaintance with all the hounds and masters--indeed, with all the
+meets of all the hounds in the kingdom--which he read in the weekly lists
+in _Bell's Life_, just as he read _Mogg's Cab Fares_. 'Then you are Mr.
+Puffington?' observed Sponge.
+
+'The same,' replied the stranger.
+
+'I'll have a look at you,' observed Sponge, adding, 'do you take in
+horses?'
+
+'Yours, of course,' replied Mr. Puffington, bowing; adding something about
+great public characters, which Sponge didn't understand.
+
+'I'll be down upon you, as the extinguisher said to the rushlight,'
+observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Do,' said Mr. Puffington; 'come before the frost. Where are you staying
+now?'
+
+'I'm at Jawleyford's,' replied our friend.
+
+'Indeed!--Jawleyford's, are you?' repeated Mr. Puffington. 'Good fellow,
+Jawleyford--gentleman, Jawleyford. How long do you stay?'
+
+'Why, I haven't made up my mind,' replied Sponge. 'Have no thoughts of
+budging at present.'
+
+'Ah, well--good quarters,' said Mr. Puffington, who now smelt a rat; 'good
+quarters--nice girls--fine fortune--fine place, Jawleyford Court. Well,
+book me for the next visit,' added he. 'I will,' said Sponge, 'and no
+mistake. What do they call your shop?'
+
+'Hanby House,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'Hanby House--anybody can tell you
+where Hanby House is.'
+
+'I'll not forget,' said Mr. Sponge, booking it in his mind, and eyeing his
+victim.
+
+'I'll show you a fine pack of hounds,' said Mr. Puffington; 'far finer
+animals than those of old Scamperdale's--steady, true hunting hounds, that
+won't go a yard without a scent--none of your jealous, flashy, frantic
+devils, that will tear over half a township without one, and are always
+looking out for "halloas" and assistance--'
+
+Mr. Puffington was interrupted in the comparison he was about to draw
+between his lordship's hounds and his, by arriving at the Bolsover
+brick-fields, and seeing Jack and Blossomnose, horse in hand, running to
+and fro, while sundry countrymen blobbed about in the clay-hole they had so
+recently occupied. Tom Washball, Mr. Wake, Mr. Fyle, Mr. Fossick, and
+several dark-coated horsemen and boys were congregated around. Jack had
+lost his spectacles, and Blossomnose his whip, and the countrymen were
+diving for them.
+
+'Not hurt, I hope?' said Mr. Puffington, in the most dandified tone of
+indifference, as he rode up to where Jack and Blossomnose were churning the
+water in their boots, stamping up and down, trying to get themselves warm.
+
+'Hurt be hanged!' replied Jack, who had a frightful squint, that turned his
+eyes inside out when he was in a passion: 'hurt be hanged!' said he; 'might
+have been drownded, for anything you'd have cared.'
+
+'I should have been sorry for that,' replied Mr. Puffington, adding, 'the
+Flat Hat Hunt could ill afford to lose so useful and ornamental a member.'
+
+'I don't know what the Flat Hat Hunt can afford to lose,' spluttered Jack,
+who hadn't got all the clay out of his mouth; 'but I know they can afford
+to do without the company of certain gentlemen who shall be nameless,' said
+he, looking at Sponge and Puffington as he thought, but in reality showing
+nothing but the whites of his eyes. 'I told you so,' said Puffington,
+jerking his head towards Jack, as Sponge and he turned their horses' heads
+to ride away; 'I told you so,' repeated he; 'that's a specimen of their
+style'; adding, 'they are the greatest set of ruffians under the sun.'
+
+The new acquaintances then jogged on together as far as the cross-roads at
+Stewley, when Puffington, having bound Sponge in his own recognizance to
+come to him when he left Jawleyford Court, pointed him out his way, and
+with a most hearty shake of the hands the new-made friends parted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+LORD SCAMPERDALE AT HOME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We fear our fair friends will expect something gay from the above
+heading--lamps and flambeaux outside, fiddlers, feathers, and flirters in.
+Nothing of the sort, fair ladies--nothing of the sort. Lord Scamperdale 'at
+home' simply means that his lordship was not out hunting, that he had got
+his dirty boots and breeches off, and dry tweeds and tartans on.
+
+Lord Scamperdale was the eighth earl; and, according to the usual
+alternating course of great English families--one generation living and the
+next starving--it was his lordship's turn to live; but the seventh earl
+having been rather unreasonable in the length of his lease, the present
+earl, who during the lifetime of his father was Lord Hardup, had contracted
+such parsimonious habits, that when he came into possession he could not
+shake them off; and but for the fortunate friendship of Abraham Brown, the
+village blacksmith, who had given his young idea a sporting turn, entering
+him with ferrets and rabbits, and so training him on with terriers and
+rat-catching, badger-baiting and otter-hunting, up to the noble sport of
+fox-hunting itself, in all probability his lordship would have been a
+regular miser. As it was, he did not spend a halfpenny upon anything but
+hunting; and his hunting, though well, was still economically done, costing
+him some couple of thousand a year, to which, for the sake of euphony, Jack
+used to add an extra five hundred; 'two thousand five under'd a year,
+five-and-twenty under'd a year,' sounding better, as Jack thought, and more
+imposing, than a couple of thousand, or two thousand, a year. There were
+few days on which Jack didn't inform the field what the hounds cost his
+lordship, or rather what they didn't cost him.
+
+Woodmansterne, his lordship's principal residence, was a fine place. It
+stood in an undulating park of 800 acres, with its church, and its lakes,
+and its heronry, and its decoy, and its racecourse, and its varied grasses
+of the choicest kinds, for feeding the numerous herds of deer, so well
+known at Temple Bar and Charing Cross as the Woodmansterne venison. The
+house was a modern edifice, built by the sixth earl, who, having been a
+'liver,' had run himself aground by his enormous outlay on this Italian
+structure, which was just finished when he died. The fourth earl, who, we
+should have stated, was a 'liver' too, was a man of _vertu_--a great
+traveller and collector of coins, pictures, statues, marbles, and
+curiosities generally--things that are very dear to buy, but oftentimes
+extremely cheap when sold; and, having collected a vast quantity from all
+parts of the world (no easy feat in those days), he made them heirlooms,
+and departed this life, leaving the next earl the pleasure of contemplating
+them. The fifth earl having duly starved through life, then made way for
+the sixth; who, finding such a quantity of valuables stowed away, as he
+thought, in rather a confined way, sent to London for a first-rate
+architect. Sir Thomas Squareall (who always posted with four horses), who
+forthwith pulled down the old brick-and-stone Elizabethan mansion, and
+built the present splendid Italian structure, of the finest polished stone,
+at an expense of--furniture and all--say 120,000_l._; Sir Thomas's
+estimates being 30,000_l._ The seventh earl of course they starved; and the
+present lord, at the age of forty-three, found himself in possession of
+house, and coins, and curiosities; and, best of all, of some 90,000_l._ in
+the funds, which had quietly rolled up during the latter part of his
+venerable parent's existence. His lordship then took counsel with
+himself--first, whether he should marry or remain single; secondly, whether
+he should live or starve. Having considered the subject with all the
+attention a limited allowance of brains permitted, he came to the
+resolution that the second proposition depended a good deal upon the first;
+'for,' said he to himself, 'if I marry, my lady, perhaps, may _make_ me
+live; and therefore,' said he, 'perhaps I'd better remain single.' At all
+events, he came to the determination not to marry in a hurry; and until he
+did, he felt there was no occasion for him to inconvenience himself by
+living. So he had the house put away in brown holland, the carpets rolled
+up, the pictures covered, the statues shrouded in muslin, the cabinets of
+curiosities locked, the plate secured, the china closeted, and everything
+arranged with the greatest care against the time, which he put before him
+in the distance like a target, when he should marry and begin to live.
+
+At first he gave two or three great dinners a year, about the height of the
+fruit season, and when it was getting too ripe for carriage to London by
+the old coaches--when a grand airing of the state-rooms used to take place,
+and ladies from all parts of the county used to sit shivering with their
+bare shoulders, all anxious for the honours of the head of the table. His
+lordship always held out that he was a marrying man; but even if he hadn't
+they would have come all the same, an unmarried man being always clearly on
+the cards; and though he was stumpy, and clumsy, and ugly, with as little
+to say for himself as could well be conceived, they all agreed that he was
+a most engaging, attractive man--quite a pattern of a man. Even on
+horseback, and in his hunting clothes, in which he looked far the best, he
+was only a coarse, square, bull-headed looking man, with hard, dry, round,
+matter-of-fact features, that never looked young, and yet somehow never get
+old. Indeed, barring the change from brown to grey of his short stubbly
+whiskers, which he trained with great care into a curve almost on to his
+cheek-bone, he looked very little older at the period of which we are
+writing than he did a dozen years before, when he was Lord Hardup. These
+dozen years, however, had brought him down in his doings.
+
+The dinners had gradually dwindled away altogether, and he had had all the
+large tablecloths and napkins rough dried and locked away against he got
+married; an event that he seemed more anxious to provide for the more
+unlikely it became. He had also abdicated the main body of the mansion, and
+taken up his quarters in what used to be the steward's room; into which he
+could creep quietly by a side door opening from the outer entrance, and so
+save frequent exposure to the cold and damp of the large cathedral-like
+hall beyond. Through the steward's room was what used to be the muniment
+room, which he converted into a bedroom for himself; and a little farther
+along the passage was another small chamber, made out of what used to be
+the plate-room, whereof Jack, or whoever was in office, had the possession.
+All three rooms were furnished in the roughest, coarsest, homeliest
+way--his lordship wishing to keep all the good furniture against he got
+married. The sitting-room, or parlour as his lordship called it, had an old
+grey drugget for a carpet, an old round black mahogany table on castors,
+that the last steward had ejected as too bad for him, four semi-circular
+wooden-bottomed walnut smoking-chairs; an old spindle-shanked sideboard,
+with very little middle, over which swung a few bookshelves, with the
+termination of their green strings surmounted by a couple of foxes'
+brushes. Small as the shelves were, they were larger than his lordship
+wanted--two books, one for Jack and one for himself, being all they
+contained; while the other shelves were filled with hunting-horns, odd
+spurs, knots of whipcord, piles of halfpence, lucifer-match boxes,
+gun-charges, and such-like miscellaneous articles.
+
+His lordship's fare was as rough as his furniture. He was a great admirer
+of tripe, cow-heel, and delicacies of that kind; he had tripe twice a
+week--boiled one day, fried another. He was also a great patron of
+beefsteaks, which he ate half-raw, with slices of cold onion served in a
+saucer with water.
+
+It was a beefsteak-and-batter-pudding day on which the foregoing run took
+place; and his lordship and Jack having satisfied nature off their
+respective dishes--for they only had vegetables in common--and having
+finished off with some very strong Cheshire cheese, wheeled their chairs to
+the fire, while Bags the butler cleared the table and placed it between
+them. They were dressed in full suits of flaming large-check red-and-yellow
+tartans, the tartan of that noble clan the 'Stunners,' with black-and-white
+Shetland hose and red slippers. His lordship and Jack had related their
+mutual adventures by cross visits to each other's bedrooms while dressing:
+and, dinner being announced by the time they were ready, they had fallen
+to, and applied themselves diligently to the victuals, and now very
+considerately unbuttoned their many-pocketed waistcoats and stuck out their
+legs, to give it a fair chance of digesting. They seldom spoke much until
+his lordship had had his nap, which he generally took immediately after
+dinner; but on this particular night he sat bending forward in his chair,
+picking his teeth and looking at his toes, evidently ill at ease in his
+mind. Jack guessed the cause, but didn't say anything. Sponge, he thought,
+had beat him.
+
+At length his lordship threw himself back in his chair, and stretching his
+little queer legs out before him, began to breathe thicker and thicker,
+till at last he got the melody up to a grunt. It was not the fine generous
+snore of a sleep that he usually enjoyed, but short, fitful, broken naps,
+that generally terminated in spasmodic jerks of the arms or legs. These
+grew worse, till at last all four went at once, like the limbs of a Peter
+Waggey, when, throwing himself forward with a violent effort, he awoke;
+and finding his horse was not a-top of him, as he thought, he gave vent to
+his feelings in the following ejaculations:
+
+'Oh, Jack, I'm onhappy!' exclaimed he. 'I'm distressed!' continued he. 'I'm
+wretched!' added he, slapping his knees. 'I'm perfectly _miserable_!' he
+concluded, with a strong emphasis on the 'miserable.'
+
+'What's the matter?' asked Jack, who was half-asleep himself.
+
+
+[Illustration: HIS LORDSHIP AND JACK]
+
+'Oh, that Mister Something!--he'll be the death of me!' observed his
+lordship.
+
+'I thought so,' replied Jack; 'what's the chap been after now?'
+
+'I dreamt he'd killed old Lablache--best hound I have,' replied his
+lordship.
+
+'He be ----,' grunted Jack.
+
+'Ah, it's all very well for you to say "he be this" and "he be that," but I
+can tell you what, that fellow is going to be a very awkward customer--a
+terrible thorn in my side.'
+
+'Humph!' grunted Jack, who didn't see how.
+
+'There's mischief about that fellow,' continued his lordship, pouring
+himself out half a tumbler of gin, and filling it up with water. 'There's
+mischief about the fellow. I don't like his looks--I don't like his coat--I
+don't like his boots--I don't like anything about him. I'd rather see the
+back of him than the front. He must be got rid of,' added his lordship.
+
+'Well, I did my best to-day, I'm sure,' replied Jack. 'I was deuced near
+wanting the patent coffin you were so good as to promise me.'
+
+'You did your work well,' replied his lordship; 'you did your work well;
+and you shall have my other specs till I can get you a new pair from town;
+and if you'll serve me again, I'll remember you in my will--I'll leave you
+something handsome.'
+
+'I'm your man,' replied Jack.
+
+'I never was so bothered with a fellow in my life,' observed his lordship.
+'Captain Topsawyer was bad enough, and always pressed far too close on the
+hounds, but he would pull up at a check; but this rusty-booted 'bomination
+seems to think the hounds are kept for him to ride over. He must be got rid
+of somehow,' repeated his lordship; 'for we shall have no peace while he's
+here.'
+
+'If he's after either of the Jawley girls, he'll be bad to shake off,'
+observed Jack.
+
+'That's just the point,' replied his lordship, quaffing off his gin with
+the air of a man most thoroughly thirsty; 'that's just the point,' repeated
+he, setting down his tumbler. 'I think if he is, I could cook his goose for
+him.'
+
+'How so?' asked Jack, drinking off his glass.
+
+'Why, I'll tell you,' replied his lordship, replenishing his tumbler, and
+passing the old gilt-labelled blue bottle over to Jack; 'you see, Frosty's
+a cunning old file, picks up all the news and gossip of the country when
+he's out at exercise with the hounds, or in going to cover--knows
+everything!--who licks his wife, and whose wife licks him--who's after such
+a girl, and so on--and he's found out somehow that this Mr.
+What's-his-name isn't the man of metal he's passing for.'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Jack, raising his eyebrows, and squinting his eyes
+inside out; Jack's opinion of a man being entirely regulated by his purse.
+
+'It's a fact,' said his lordship, with a knowing shake of his head. 'As we
+were toddling home with the hounds, I said to Frosty, "I hope that Mr.
+Something's comfortable in his bath"--meaning Gobblecow Bog, which he rode
+into. "Why," said Frosty, "it's no great odds what comes of such rubbage as
+that." Now, Frosty, you know, in a general way, is a most polite,
+fair-spoken man, specially before Christmas, when he begins to look for the
+tips; and as we are not much troubled with strangers, thanks to your
+sensible way of handling them, I thought Frosty would have made the most of
+this natural son of Dives, and been as polite to him as possible. However,
+he was evidently no favourite of Frosty's. So I just asked--not that one
+likes to be familiar with servants, you know, but still this brown-booted
+beggar is enough to excite one's curiosity and make any one go out of one's
+way a little--so I just asked Frosty what he knew about him. "All over the
+left," said Frosty, jerking his thumb back over his shoulder, and looking
+as knowing as a goose with one eye; "all over the left," repeated he.
+"What's over the left?" said I. "Why, this Mr. Sponge," said he. "How so?"
+asked I. "Why," said Frosty, "he's come gammonin' down here that he's a
+great man--full of money, and horses, and so on; but it's all my eye, he's
+no more a great man than I am."'
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Jack, who had sat squinting and listening intently
+as his lordship proceeded. 'Well, now, hang me, I thought he was a snob the
+moment I saw him,' continued he; Jack being one of those clever gentlemen
+who know everything after they are told.
+
+'"Well, how do you know, Jack?" said I to Frosty. "Oh, I knows," replied
+he, as if he was certain about it. However, I wasn't satisfied without
+knowing too; and, as we kept jogging on, we came to the old Coach and
+Horses, and I said to Jack, "We may as well have a drop of something to
+warm us." So we halted, and had glasses of brandy apiece, whips and all;
+and then, as we jogged on again, I just said to Jack casually, "Did you say
+it was Mr. Blossomnose told you about old Brown Boots?"
+"No--Blossomnose--no," replied he, as if Blossom never had anything half so
+good to tell; "it was a young woman," said he, in an undertone, "who told
+me, and she had it from old Brown Boots's groom."'
+
+'Well, that's good,' observed Jack, diving his hands into the very bottom
+of his great tartan trouser pockets, and shooting his legs out before him;
+'well, that's good,' repeated he, falling into a sort of reverie.
+
+'Well, but what can we make of it?' at length inquired he, after a long
+pause, during which he ran the facts through his mind, and thought they
+could not be much ruder to Sponge than they had been. 'What can we make of
+it?' said he. 'The fellow can ride, and we can't prevent him hunting; and
+his having nothing only makes him less careful of his neck.'
+
+'Why, that was just what I thought,' replied Lord Scamperdale, taking
+another tumbler of gin; 'that was just what I thought--the fellow can ride,
+and we can't prevent him; and just as I settled that in my sleep, I thought
+I saw him come staring along, with his great brown horse's head in the air,
+and crash right a-top of old Lablache. But I see my way clearer with him
+now. But help yourself,' continued his lordship, passing the gin-bottle
+over to Jack, feeling that what he had to say required a little
+recommendation. 'I think I can turn Frosty's information to some account.'
+
+'I don't see how,' observed Jack, replenishing his glass.
+
+'_I_ do, though,' replied his lordship, adding, 'but I must have your
+assistance.'
+
+'Well, anything in moderation,' replied Jack, who had had to turn his hand
+to some very queer jobs occasionally.
+
+'I'll tell you what _I_ think,' observed his lordship. 'I think there are
+two ways of getting rid of this haughty Philistine--this unclean
+spirit--this 'bomination of a man. I think, in the first place, if old
+Chatterbox knew that he had nothing, he would very soon bow him out of
+Jawleyford Court; and in the second, that we might get rid of him by buying
+his horses.'
+
+'Well,' replied Jack, 'I don't know but you're right. Chatterbox would soon
+wash his hands of him, as he has done of many promising young gentlemen
+before, if he has nothing; but people differ so in their ideas of what
+nothing consists of.'
+
+Jack spoke feelingly, for he was a gentleman who was generally spoken of as
+having nothing a year, paid quarterly; and yet he was in the enjoyment of
+an annuity of sixty pounds.
+
+'Oh, why, when I say he has nothing,' replied Lord Scamperdale, 'I mean
+that he has not what Jawleyford, who is a bumptious sort of an ass, would
+consider sufficient to make him a fit match for one of his daughters. He
+may have a few hundreds a year, but Jaw, I'm sure, will look at nothing
+under thousands.'
+
+'Oh, certainly not,' said Jack, 'there's no doubt about that.'
+
+'Well, then, you see, I was thinking,' observed Lord Scamperdale, eyeing
+Jack's countenance, 'that if you would dine there to-morrow, as we fixed--'
+
+'Oh, dash it! I couldn't do that,' interrupted Jack, drawing himself
+together in his chair like a horse refusing a leap; 'I couldn't do that--I
+couldn't dine with Jaw, not at no price.'
+
+'Why not?' asked Lord Scamperdale; 'he'll give you a good
+dinner--fricassees, and all sorts of good things; far finer fare than you
+have here.'
+
+'That may all be,' replied Jack, 'but I don't want none of his food. I hate
+the sight of the fellow, and detest him fresh every time I see him.
+Consider, too, you said you'd let me off if I sarved out Sponge; and I'm
+sure I did my best. I led him over some awful places, and then what a
+ducking I got! My ears are full of water still,' added he, laying his head
+on one side to try to run it out.
+
+'You did well,' observed Lord Scamperdale--'you did well, and I fully
+intended to let you off, but then I didn't know what a beggar I had to
+deal with. Come, say you'll go, that's a good fellow.'
+
+'Couldn't,' replied Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+'You'll _oblige_ me,' observed Lord Scamperdale.
+
+'Ah, well, I'd do anything to oblige your lordship,' replied Jack, thinking
+of the corner in the will. 'I'd do anything to oblige your lordship: but
+the fact is, sir, I'm not prepared to go. I've lost my specs--I've got no
+swell clothes--I can't go in the Stunner tartan,' added he, eyeing his
+backgammon-board-looking chest, and diving his hands into the capacious
+pockets of his shooting-jacket.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'I'll manage all that,' replied his lordship; 'I've got a pair of splendid
+silver-mounted spectacles in the Indian cabinet in the drawing-room, that
+I've kept to be married in. I'll lend them to you, and there's no saying
+but you may captivate Miss Jawleyford in them. Then as to clothes, there's
+my new damson-coloured velvet waistcoat with the steel buttons, and my fine
+blue coat with the velvet collar, silk facings, and our button on it;
+altogether I'll rig you out and make you such a swell as there's no saying
+but Miss Jawleyford'll offer to you, by way of consoling herself for the
+loss of Sponge.'
+
+'I'm afraid you'll have to make a settlement for me, then,' observed our
+friend.
+
+'Well, you are a good fellow. Jack,' said his lordship, 'and I'd as soon
+make one on you as on any one.'
+
+'I s'pose you'll send me on wheels?' observed Jack.
+
+'In course,' replied his lordship. 'Dog-cart--name behind--Right Honourable
+the Earl of Scamperdale--lad with cockade--everything genteel'; adding,
+'by Jove, they'll take you for me!'
+
+Having settled all these matters, and arranged how the information was to
+be communicated to Jawleyford, the friends at length took their block-tin
+candlesticks, with their cauliflower-headed candles, and retired to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When Mr. Sponge returned, all dirtied and stained, from the chase, he found
+his host sitting in an arm-chair over the study fire, dressing-gowned and
+slippered, with a pocket-handkerchief tied about his head, shamming
+illness, preparatory to putting off Mr. Spraggon. To be sure, he played
+rather a better knife and fork at dinner than is usual with persons with
+that peculiar ailment; but Mr. Sponge, being very hungry, and well attended
+to by the fair--moreover, not suspecting any ulterior design--just ate and
+jabbered away as usual, with the exception of omitting his sick papa-in-law
+in the round of his observations. So the dinner passed over.
+
+'Bring me a tumbler and some hot water and sugar,' said Mr. Jawleyford,
+pressing his head against his hand, as Spigot, having placed some bottle
+ends on the table, and reduced the glare of light, was preparing to retire.
+'Bring me some hot water and sugar,' said he; 'and tell Harry he will have
+to go over to Lord Scamperdale's, with a note, the first thing in the
+morning.'
+
+The young ladies looked at each other, and then at mamma, who, seeing what
+was wanted, looked at papa, and asked, 'if he was going to ask Lord
+Scamperdale over?' Amelia, among her many 'presentiments,' had long enjoyed
+one that she was destined to be Lady Scamperdale.
+
+'No--_over_--no,' snapped Jawleyford; 'what should put that in your head?'
+
+'Oh, I thought as Mr. Sponge was here, you might think it a good time to
+ask him.'
+
+'His lordship knows he can come when he likes,' replied Jawleyford, adding,
+'it's to put that Mr. John Spraggon off, who thinks he may do the same.'
+
+'Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both the young ladies. 'Mr. Spraggon!--what
+should set him here?'
+
+'What, indeed?' asked Jawleyford.
+
+'Poor man! I dare say there's no harm in him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford,
+who was always ready for anybody.
+
+'No good either,' replied Jawleyford--'at all events, we'll be just as well
+without him. You know him, don't you?' added he, turning to Sponge--'great
+coarse man in spectacles.'
+
+'Oh yes, I know him,' replied Sponge; 'a great ruffian he is, too,' added
+he.
+
+'One ought to be in robust health to encounter such a man,' observed
+Jawleyford, 'and have time to get a man or two of the same sort to meet
+him. _We_ can do nothing with such a man. I can't understand how his
+lordship puts up with such a fellow.'
+
+'Finds him useful, I suppose,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+Spigot presently appeared with a massive silver salver, bearing tumblers,
+sugar, lemon, nutmeg, and other implements of negus.
+
+'Will you join me in a little wine-and-water?' asked Jawleyford, pointing
+to the apparatus and bottle ends, 'or will you have a fresh bottle?--plenty
+in the cellar,' added he, with a flourish of his hand, though he kept
+looking steadfastly at the negus-tray.
+
+'Oh--why--I'm afraid--I doubt--I think I should hardly be able to do
+justice to a bottle single-handed,' replied Sponge. 'Then have negus,'
+said Jawleyford; 'you'll find it very refreshing; medical men recommend it
+after violent exercise in preference to wine. But pray have wine if you
+prefer it.'
+
+'Ah--well, I'll finish off with a little negus, perhaps,' replied Sponge,
+adding, 'meanwhile the ladies, I dare say, would like a little wine.'
+
+'The ladies drink white wine--sherry,' rejoined Jawleyford, determined to
+make a last effort to save his port. 'However, you can have a bottle of
+port to yourself, you know.'
+
+'Very well,' said Sponge.
+
+'One condition I must attach,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'which is, that you
+_finish_ the bottle. Don't let us have any waste, you know.'
+
+'I'll do my best,' said Sponge, determined to have it; whereupon Mr.
+Jawleyford growled the word 'Port' to the butler, who had been witnessing
+his master's efforts to direct attention to the negus. Thwarted in his
+endeavour, Jawleyford's headache became worse, and the ladies, seeing how
+things were going, beat a precipitate retreat, leaving our hero to his
+fate.
+
+'I'll leave a note on my writing-table when I go to bed,' observed
+Jawleyford to Spigot, as the latter was retiring after depositing the
+bottle; 'and tell Harry to start with it early in the morning, so as to get
+to Woodmansterne about breakfast--nine o'clock, or so, at latest,' added
+he.
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Spigot, withdrawing with an air.
+
+Sponge then wanted to narrate the adventures of the day; but, independently
+of Jawleyford's natural indifference for hunting, he was too much out of
+humour at being done out of his wine to lend a willing ear; and after
+sundry 'hums,' 'indeeds,' 'sos,' &c., Sponge thought he might as well think
+the run over to himself as trouble to put it into words, whereupon a long
+silence ensued, interrupted only by the tinkling of Jawleyford's spoon
+against his glass, and the bumps of the decanter as Sponge helped himself
+to his wine.
+
+At length Jawleyford, having had as much negus as he wanted, excused
+himself from further attendence, under the plea of increasing illness, and
+retired to his study to concoct his letter to Jack.
+
+At first he was puzzled how to address him. If he had been Jack Spraggon,
+living in old Mother Nipcheese's lodgings at Starfield, as he was when Lord
+Scamperdale took him by the hand, he would have addressed him as 'Dear
+Sir,' or perhaps in the third person, 'Mr. Jawleyford presents his
+compliments to Mr. Spraggon,' &c.; but, as my lord's right-hand man, Jack
+carried a certain weight, and commanded a certain influence, that he would
+never have acquired of himself.
+
+Jawleyford spoilt three sheets of cream-laid satin-wove note-paper (crested
+and ciphered) before he pleased himself with a beginning. First he had it
+'Dear Sir,' which he thought looked too stiff; then he had it 'My dear
+Sir,' which he thought looked too loving; next he had it 'Dear Spraggon,'
+which he considered as too familiar; and then he tried 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,'
+which he thought would do. Thus he wrote:
+
+    'DEAR MR. SPRAGGON,--
+
+    'I am sorry to be obliged to put you off; but since I came in from
+    hunting I have been attacked with influenza, which will
+    incapacitate me from the enjoyment of society at least for two or
+    three days. I therefore think the kindest thing I can do is to
+    write to put you off; and, in the hopes of seeing both you and my
+    lord at no distant day.
+
+    'I remain, dear sir, yours sincerely,
+
+    'CHARLES JAMES JAWLEYFORD,
+
+    '_Jawleyford Court._
+
+    'TO JOHN SPRAGGON, ESQ.,
+
+    &c. &c. &c.'
+
+This he sealed with the great seal of Jawleyford Court--a coat of arms
+containing innumerable quarterings and heraldic devices. Having then
+refreshed his memory by looking through a bundle of bills, and selected the
+most threatening of the lawyers' letters to answer the next day, he
+proceeded to keep up the delusion of sickness, by retiring to sleep in his
+dressing-room. Our readers will now have the kindness to accompany us to
+Lord Scamperdale's: time, the morning after the foregoing. 'Love me, love
+my dog,' being a favourite saying of his lordship's, he fed himself, his
+friends, and his hounds, on the same meal. Jack and he were busy with two
+great basins full of porridge, which his lordship diluted with milk, while
+Jack stirred his up with hot dripping, when the put-off note arrived. His
+lordship was still in a complete suit of the great backgammon-board-looking
+red-and-yellow Stunner tartan: but as Jack was going from home, he had got
+himself into a pair of his lordship's yellow-ochre leathers and new
+top-boots, while he wore the Stunner jacket and waistcoat to save his
+lordship's Sunday green cutaway with metal buttons, and canary-coloured
+waistcoat. His lordship did not eat his porridge with his usual appetite,
+for he had had a disturbed night, Sponge having appeared to him in his
+dreams in all sorts of forms and predicaments; now jumping a-top of
+him--now upsetting Jack--now riding over Frostyface--now crashing among his
+hounds; and he awoke, fully determined to get rid of him by fair means or
+foul. Buying his horses did not seem so good a speculation as blowing his
+credit at Jawleyford Court, for, independently of disliking to part with
+his cash, his lordship remembered that there were other horses to get, and
+he should only be giving Sponge the means of purchasing them. The more,
+however, he thought of the Jawleyford project, the more satisfied he was
+that it would do; and Jack and he were in a sort of rehearsal, wherein his
+lordship personated Jawleyford, and was showing Jack (who was only a clumsy
+diplomatist) how to draw up to the subject of Sponge's pecuniary
+deficiencies, when the dirty old butler came with Jawleyford's note.
+
+'What's here?' exclaimed his lordship, fearing from its smartness, that it
+was from a lady. 'What's here?' repeated he, as he inspected the direction.
+'Oh, it's for _you_!' exclaimed he, chucking it over to Jack, considerably
+relieved by the discovery.
+
+'_Me!_' replied Jack. 'Who can be writing to me?' said he, squinting his
+eyes inside out at the seal. He opened it: 'Jawleyford Court,' read he.
+'Who the deuce can be writing to me from Jawleyford Court when I'm going
+there?'
+
+'A put-off, for a guinea!' exclaimed his lordship.
+
+'Hope so,' muttered Jack.
+
+'Hope _not_,' replied his lordship.
+
+'It is!' exclaimed Jack, reading, 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,' and so on.
+
+'The humbug!' muttered Lord Scamperdale, adding, 'I'll be bound he's got no
+more influenza than I have.'
+
+'Well,' observed Jack, sweeping a red cotton handkerchief, with which he
+had been protecting his leathers, off into his pocket, 'there's an end of
+that.'
+
+'Don't go so quick,' replied his lordship, ladling in the porridge.
+
+'Quick!' retorted Jack; 'why, what can you do?'
+
+'_Do!_ why, _go_ to be sure,' replied his lordship.
+
+'How can I go,' asked Jack, 'when the sinner's written to put me off?'
+
+'Nicely,' replied his lordship, 'nicely. I'll just send word back by the
+servant that you had started before the note arrived, but that you shall
+have it as soon as you return; and you just cast up there as if nothing had
+happened.' So saying, his lordship took hold of the whipcord-pull and gave
+the bell a peal.
+
+'There's no beating you,' observed Jack.
+
+Bags now made his appearance again.
+
+'Is the servant here that brought this note?' asked his lordship, holding
+it up.
+
+'Yes, _me_ lord,' replied Bags.
+
+'Then tell him to tell his master, with my compliments, that Mr. Spraggon
+had set off for Jawleyford Court before it came, but that he shall have it
+as soon as he returns--you understand?'
+
+'Yes, _me_ lord,' replied Bags, looking at Jack supping up the fat
+porridge, and wondering how the lie would go down with Harry, who was then
+discussing his master's merits and a horn of small beer with the lad who
+was going to drive Jack.
+
+Jawleyford Court was twenty miles from Woodmansterne as the crow flies, and
+any distance anybody liked to call it by the road. The road, indeed, would
+seem to have been set out with a view of getting as many hills and as
+little level ground over which a traveller could make play as possible; and
+where it did not lead over the tops of the highest hills, it wound round
+their bases, in such little, vexatious, up-and-down, wavy dips as
+completely to do away with all chance of expedition. The route was not
+along one continuous trust, but here over a bit of turnpike and there over
+a bit of turnpike, with ever and anon long interregnums of township roads,
+repaired in the usual primitive style with mud and soft field-stones, that
+turned up like flitches of bacon. A man would travel from London to Exeter
+by rail in as short a time, and with far greater ease, than he would drive
+from Lord Scamperdale's to Jawleyford Court. His lordship being aware of
+this fact, and thinking, moreover, it was no use trashing a good horse over
+such roads, had desired Frostyface to put an old spavined grey mare, that
+he had bought for the kennel, into the dog-cart, and out of which, his
+lordship thought, if he could get a day's work or two, she would come all
+the cheaper to the boiler.
+
+'That's a good-shaped beast,' observed his lordship, as she now came
+hitching round to the door; 'I really think she would make a cover hack.'
+
+'Sooner you ride her than me,' replied Jack, seeing his lordship was coming
+the dealer over him--praising the shape when he could say nothing for the
+action.
+
+'Well, but she'll take you to Jawleyford Court as quick as the best of
+them,' rejoined his lordship, adding, 'the roads are wretched, and Jaw's
+stables are a disgrace to humanity--might as well put a horse in a cellar.'
+
+'Well,' observed Jack, retiring from the parlour window to his little den
+along the passage, to put the finishing touch to his toilet--the green
+cutaway and buff waistcoat, which he further set off with a black satin
+stock--'Well,' said he, 'needs must when a certain gentleman drives.'
+
+He presently reappeared full fig, rubbing a fine new eight-and-sixpenny
+flat-brimmed hat round and round with a substantial puce-coloured bandana.
+'Now for the specs!' exclaimed he, with the gaiety of a man in his
+Sunday's best, bound on a holiday trip. 'Now for the silver specs!'
+repeated he.
+
+'Ah, true,' replied his lordship; 'I'd forgot the specs.' (He hadn't, only
+he thought his silver-mounted ones would be safer in his keeping than in
+Jack's.) 'I'd forgot the specs. However, never mind, you shall have these,'
+said he, taking his tortoise-shell-rimmed ones off his nose and handing
+them to Jack.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBASSY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT]
+
+'You promised me the silver ones,' observed our friend Jack, who wanted to
+be smart.
+
+'Did I?' replied his lordship; 'I declare I'd forgot. Ah yes, I believe I
+did,' added he, with an air of sudden enlightenment--'the pair upstairs;
+but how the deuce to get at them I don't know, for the key of the Indian
+cabinet is locked in the old oak press in the still-room, and the key of
+the still-room is locked away in the linen-press in the green lumber-room
+at the top of the house, and the key of the green lumber-room is in a
+drawer at the bottom of the wardrobe in the Star-Chamber, and the--'
+
+'Ah, well; never mind,' grunted Jack, interrupting the labyrinth of lies.
+'I dare say these will do--I dare say these will do,' putting them on;
+adding, 'Now, if you'll lend me a shawl for my neck, and a mackintosh, my
+name shall be _Walker_.'
+
+'Better make it _Trotter_,' replied his lordship, 'considering the distance
+you have to go.'
+
+'Good,' said Jack, mounting and driving away.
+
+'It will be a blessing if we get there,' observed Jack to the liveried
+stable-lad, as the old bag of bones of a mare went hitching and limping
+away.
+
+'Oh, she can go when she's warm,' replied the lad, taking her across the
+ears with the point of the whip. The wheels followed merrily over the
+sound, hard road through the park, and the gentle though almost
+imperceptible fall of the ground giving an impetus to the vehicle, they
+bowled away as if they had four of the soundest, freshest legs in the world
+before them, instead of nothing but a belly-band between them and eternity.
+
+When, however, they cleared the noble lodge and got upon the unscraped mud
+of the Deepdebt turnpike, the pace soon slackened, and, instead of the gig
+running away with the old mare, she was fairly brought to her collar. Being
+a game one, however, she struggled on with a trot, till at length, turning
+up the deeply spurlinged, clayey bottomed cross-road between Rookgate and
+Clamley, it was all she could do to drag the gig through the holding mire.
+Bump, bump, jolt, jolt, creak, creak, went the vehicle. Jack now diving his
+elbow into the lad's ribs, the lad now diving his into Jack's; both now
+threatening to go over on the same side, and again both nearly chucked on
+to the old mare's quarters. A sharp, cutting sleet, driving pins and
+needles directly in their faces, further disconcerted our travellers. Jack
+felt acutely for his new eight-and-sixpenny hat, it being the only article
+of dress he had on of his own.
+
+Long and tedious as was the road, weak and jaded as was the mare, and long
+as Jack stopped at Starfield, he yet reached Jawleyford Court before the
+messenger Harry.
+
+As our friend Jawleyford was stamping about his study anathematizing a
+letter he had received from the solicitor to the directors of the Doembrown
+and Sinkall Railway, informing him that they were going to indulge in the
+winding-up act, he chanced to look out of his window just as the contracted
+limits of a winter's day were drawing the first folds of night's muslin
+curtain over the landscape, when he espied a gig drawn by a white horse,
+with a dot-and-go-one sort of action, hopping its way up the slumpey
+avenue.
+
+'That's Buggins the bailiff,' exclaimed he to himself, as the recollection
+of an unanswered lawyer's letter flashed across his mind; and he was just
+darting off to the bell to warn Spigot not to admit any one, when the lad's
+cockade, standing in relief against the sky-line, caused him to pause and
+gaze again at the unwonted apparition.
+
+'Who the deuce can it be?' asked he of himself, looking at his watch, and
+seeing it was a quarter-past four. 'It surely can't be my lord, or that
+Jack Spraggon coming after all?' added he, drawing out a telescope and
+opening a lancet-window.
+
+'Spraggon, as I live!' exclaimed he, as he caught Jack's harsh, spectacled
+features, and saw him titivating his hair and arranging his collar and
+stock as he approached.
+
+'Well, that beats everything!' exclaimed Jawleyford, burning with rage as
+he fastened the window again.
+
+He stood for a few seconds transfixed to the spot, not knowing what on
+earth to do. At last resolution came to his aid, and, rushing upstairs to
+his dressing-room, he quickly divested himself of his coat and waistcoat,
+and slipped on a dressing-gown and night-cap. He then stood, door in hand,
+listening for the arrival. He could just hear the gig grinding under the
+portico, and distinguish Jack's gruff voice saying to the servant from the
+top of the steps, 'We'll start _directly_ after breakfast, mind.' A
+tremendous peal of the bell immediately followed, convulsing the whole
+house, for nobody had seen the vehicle approaching, and the establishment
+had fallen into the usual state of undress torpor that intervenes between
+calling hours and dinner-time.
+
+The bell not being answered as quickly as Jack expected, he just opened the
+door himself; and when Spigot arrived, with such a force as he could raise
+at the moment, Jack was in the act of 'peeling' himself, as he called it.
+
+'What time do we dine?' asked he, with the air of a man with the entree.
+
+'Seven o'clock, my lord--that's to say, sir--that's to say, my lord,' for
+Spigot really didn't know whether it was Jack or his master.
+
+'Seven o'clock!' muttered Jack. 'What the deuce is the use of dinin' at
+such an hour as that in winter?'
+
+Jack and my lord always dined as soon as they got home from hunting. Jack,
+having got himself out of his wraps, and run his bristles backwards with a
+pocket-comb, was ready for presentation.
+
+'What name shall I _e_nounce?' asked Mr. Spigot, fearful of committing
+himself before the ladies.
+
+'MISTER SPRAGGON, to be sure,' exclaimed Jack, thinking, because
+he knew who he was, that everybody else ought to know too.
+
+Spigot then led the way to the music-room.
+
+The peal at the bell had caused a suppressed commotion in the apartment.
+Buried in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned low chair, Mr. Sponge
+sat, _Mogg_ in hand, with a toe cocked up, now dipping leisurely into his
+work--now whispering something sweet into Amelia's ear, who sat with her
+crochet-work at his side; while Emily played the piano, and Mrs. Jawleyford
+kept in the background, in the discreet way mothers do when there is a
+little business going on. The room was in that happy state of misty light
+that usually precedes the entrance of candles--a light that no one likes to
+call darkness, lest their eyes might be supposed to be failing. It is a
+convenient light, however, for a timid stranger, especially where there are
+not many footstools set to trip him up--an exemption, we grieve to say, not
+accorded to every one.
+
+Though Mr. Spraggon was such a cool, impudent fellow with men, he was the
+most awkward, frightened wretch among ladies that ever was seen. His
+conversation consisted principally of coughing. 'Hem!'--cough--'yes,
+mum,'--hem--cough, cough--'the day,'--hem--cough--'mum,
+is'--hem--cough--'very,'--hem--cough--'mum, cold.' But we will introduce
+him to our family circle.
+
+'MR. SPRAGGON!' exclaimed Spigot in a tone equal to the one in
+which Jack had announced himself in the entrance; and forthwith there was
+such a stir in the twilit apartment--such suppressed exclamations of:
+
+'Mr. Spraggon!--Mr. Spraggon! What can bring him here?'
+
+Our traveller's creaking boots and radiant leathers eclipsing the sombre
+habiliments of Mr. Spigot, Mrs. Jawleyford quickly rose from her Pembroke
+writing-desk, and proceeded to greet him.
+
+'My daughters I think you know, Mr. Spraggon; also Mr. Sponge? Mr.
+Spraggon,' continued she, with a wave of her hand to where our hero was
+ensconced in his form, in case they should not have made each other's
+speaking acquaintance.
+
+The young ladies rose, and curtsied prettily; while Mr. Sponge gave a sort
+of backward hitch of his head as he sat in his chair, as much as to say, 'I
+know as much of Mr. Spraggon as I want.'
+
+'Tell your master Mr. Spraggon is here,' added Mrs. Jawleyford to Spigot,
+as that worthy was leaving the room. 'It's a cold day, Mr. Spraggon; won't
+you come near the fire?' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, addressing our friend,
+who had come to a full stop just under the chandelier in the centre of the
+room. 'Hem--cough--hem--thank ye, mum,' muttered Jack. 'I'm
+not--hem--cough--cold, thank ye, mum.' His face and hands were purple
+notwithstanding.
+
+'How is my Lord Scamperdale?' asked Amelia, who had a strong inclination to
+keep in with all parties.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--my lord--that's to say, my lady--hem--cough--I mean to
+say, my lord's pretty well, thank ye,' stuttered Jack.
+
+'Is he coming?' asked Amelia.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--my lord's--hem--not well--cough--no--hem--I mean to
+say--hem--cough--my lord's gone--hem--to dine--cough--hem--with
+his--cough--friend Lord Bubbley Jock--hem--cough--I mean Barker--cough.'
+
+Jack and Lord Scamperdale were so in the habit of calling his lordship by
+this nickname, that Jack let it slip, or rather cough out, inadvertently.
+
+In due time Spigot returned, with 'Master's compliments, and he was very
+sorry, but he was so unwell that he was quite unable to see any one.'
+
+'Oh, dear!' exclaimed Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Poor pa!' lisped Amelia.
+
+'What a pity!' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I must go and see him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, hurrying off.
+
+'Hem--cough--hem--hope he's not much--hem--damaged?' observed Jack.
+
+The old lady being thus got rid of, and Jawleyford disposed of--apparently
+for the night--Mr. Spraggon felt more comfortable, and presently yielded to
+Amelia's entreaties to come near the fire and thaw himself. Spigot brought
+candles, and Mr. Sponge sat moodily in his chair, alternately studying
+_Mogg's Cab Fares_--'Old Bailey, Newgate Street, to or from the Adelphi,
+the Terrace, 1_s._ 6_d._; Admiralty, 2_s._'; and so on; and hazarding
+promiscuous sidelong sort of observations, that might be taken up by Jack
+or not, as he liked. He seemed determined to pay Mr. Jack off for his
+out-of-door impudence. Amelia, on the other hand, seemed desirous of making
+up for her suitor's rudeness, and kept talking to Jack with an assiduity
+that perfectly astonished her sister, who had always heard her speak of
+him with the utmost abhorrence.
+
+Mrs. Jawleyford found her husband in a desperate state of excitement, his
+influenza being greatly aggravated by Harry having returned very drunk,
+with the mare's knees desperately broken 'by a fall,' as Harry hiccuped
+out, or by his 'throwing her down,' as Jawleyford declared. Horses _fall_
+with their masters, servants _throw_ them down. What a happiness it is when
+people can send their servants on errands by coaches or railways, instead
+of being kept on the fidget all day, lest a fifty-pound horse should be the
+price of a bodkin or a basket of fish!
+
+Amelia's condescension quite turned Jack's head; and when he went upstairs
+to dress, he squinted at his lordship's best clothes, all neatly laid out
+for him on the bed, with inward satisfaction at having brought them.
+
+'Dash me!' said he, 'I really think that girl has a fancy for me.' Then he
+examined himself minutely in the glass, brushed his whiskers up into a
+curve on his cheeks, the curves almost corresponding with the curve of his
+spectacles above; then he gave his bristly, porcupine-shaped head a
+backward rub with a sort of thing like a scrubbing-brush. 'If I'd only had
+the silver specs,' thought he, 'I should have done.'
+
+He then began to dress; an operation that, ever and anon was interrupted by
+the outburst of volleys of smoke from the little spluttering, smouldering
+fire in the little shabby room Jawleyford insisted on having him put into.
+
+Jack tried all things--opening the window and shutting the door, shutting
+the window and opening the door; but finding that, instead of curing it, he
+only produced the different degrees of comparison--bad, worse, worst--he at
+length shut both, and applied himself vigorously to dressing. He soon got
+into his stockings and pumps, also his black Saxony trousers; then came a
+fine black laced fringe cravat, and the damson-coloured velvet waistcoat
+with the cut-steel buttons.
+
+'Dash me, but I look pretty well in this!' said he, eyeing first one side
+and then the other as he buttoned it. He then stuck a chased and figured
+fine gold brooch, with two pendant tassel-drops, set with turquoise and
+agates, that he had abstracted from his lordship's dressing-case, into his,
+or rather his lordship's finely worked shirt-front, and crowned the toilet
+with his lordship's best new blue coat with velvet collar, silk facings,
+and the Flat Hat Hunt button--'a striding fox,' with the letters 'F.H.H.'
+below.
+
+'Who shall say Mr. Spraggon's not a gentleman?' said he, as he perfumed one
+of his lordship's fine coronetted cambric handkerchiefs with
+lavender-water. Scent, in Jack's opinion, was one of the criterions of a
+gentleman.
+
+Somehow Jack felt quite differently towards the house of Jawleyford; and
+though he did not expect much pleasure in Mr. Sponge's company, he thought,
+nevertheless, that the ladies and he--Amelia and he at least--would get on
+very well. Forgetting that he had come to eject Sponge on the score of
+insufficiency, he really began to think he might be a very desirable match
+for one of them himself.
+
+'The Spraggons are a most respectable family,' said he, eyeing himself in
+the glass. 'If not very handsome, at all events, very genteel,' added he,
+speaking of himself in particular. So saying, he adorned himself with his
+spectacles and set off to explore his way downstairs. After divers mistakes
+he at length found himself in the drawing-room, where the rest of the party
+being assembled, they presently proceeded to dinner.
+
+Jack's amended costume did not produce any difference in Mr. Sponge's
+behaviour, who treated him with the utmost indifference. In truth, Sponge
+had rather a large balance against Jack for his impudence to him in the
+field. Nevertheless, the fair Amelia continued her attentions, and talked
+of hunting, occasionally diverging into observations on Lord Scamperdale's
+fine riding and manly character and appearance, in the roundabout way
+ladies send their messages and compliments to their friends.
+
+The dinner was flat. Jawleyford had stopped the champagne tap, though the
+needle-case glasses stood to tantalize the party till about the time that
+the beverage ought to have been flowing, when Spigot took them off. The
+flatness then became flatter. Nevertheless, Jack worked away in his usual
+carnivorous style, and finished by paying his respects to all the sweets,
+jellies, and things in succession. He never got any of these, he said, at
+'home,' meaning at Lord Scamperdale's--Amelia thought, if she was 'my
+lady,' he would not get any meat there either.
+
+[Illustration: ENTER MR. JACK SPRAGGON, FULL DRESS]
+
+At length Jack finished; and having discussed cheese, porter, and red
+herrings, the cloth was drawn, and a hard-featured dessert, consisting
+principally of apples, followed. The wine having made a couple of
+melancholy circuits, the strained conversation about came to a full stop,
+and Spigot having considerately placed the little round table, as if to
+keep the peace between them, the ladies left the male worthies to discuss
+their port and sherry together. Jack, according to Woodmansterne fashion,
+unbuttoned his waistcoat, and stuck his legs out before him--an example
+that Mr. Sponge quickly followed, and each assumed an attitude that as good
+as said 'I don't care twopence for you.' A dead silence then prevailed,
+interrupted only by the snap, snap, snapping of Jack's toothpick against
+his chair-edge, when he was not busy exploring his mouth with it. It seemed
+to be a match which should keep silence longest. Jack sat squinting his
+eyes inside out at Sponge, while Sponge pretended to be occupied with the
+fire. The wine being with Sponge, and at length wanting some, he was
+constrained to make the first move, by passing it over to Jack, who helped
+himself to port and sherry simultaneously--a glass of sherry after dinner
+(in Jack's opinion) denoting a gentleman. Having smacked his lips over
+that, he presently turned to the glass of port. He checked his hand in
+passing it to his mouth, and bore the glass up to his nose.
+
+'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed he, setting the glass down on the table with a
+thump of disgust.
+
+It is curious what unexpected turns things sometimes take in the world, and
+how completely whole trains of well-preconcerted plans are often turned
+aside by mere accidents such as this. If it hadn't been for the corked
+bottle of port, there is no saying but these two worthies would have held a
+Quakers' meeting without the 'spirit' moving either of them.
+
+'Corked, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'It is!' rejoined Sponge, smelling at his half-emptied glass.
+
+'Better have another bottle,' observed Jack.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Sponge, ringing the bell. 'Spigot, this wine's
+corked,' observed Sponge, as old Pomposo entered the room.
+
+'Is it?' said Spigot, with the most perfect innocence, though he knew it
+came out of the corked batch. 'I'll bring another bottle,' added he,
+carrying it off as if he had a whole pipe at command, though in reality he
+had but another out. This fortunately was less corked than the first; and
+Jack having given an approving smack of his great thick lips, Mr. Sponge
+took it on his judgement, and gave a nod to Spigot, who forthwith took his
+departure.
+
+'Old trick that,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head, as Spigot shut
+the door.
+
+'Is it?' observed Mr. Sponge, taking up the observation, though in reality
+it was addressed to the fire.
+
+'Noted for it,' replied Jack, squinting at the sideboard, though he was
+staring intently at Sponge to see how he took it.
+
+'Well, I thought we had a bottle with a queer smatch the other night,'
+observed Sponge.
+
+'Old Blossomnose corked half a dozen in succession one night,' replied
+Jack.
+
+(He had corked three, but Jawleyford re-corked them, and Spigot was now
+reproducing them to our friends.)
+
+Although they had now got the ice broken, and entered into something like a
+conversation, it nevertheless went on very slowly, and they seemed to weigh
+each word before it was uttered. Jack, too, had time to run his peculiar
+situation through his mind, and ponder on his mission from Lord
+Scamperdale--on his lordship's detestation of Mr. Sponge, his anxiety to
+get rid of him, his promised corner in his will, and his lordship's hint
+about buying Sponge's horses if he could not get rid of him in any other
+way.
+
+Sponge, on his part, was thinking if there was any possibility of turning
+Jack to account.
+
+It may seem strange to the uninitiated that there should be prospect of
+gain to a middle-man in the matter of a horse-deal, save in the legitimate
+trade of auctioneers and commission stable-keepers; but we are sorry to say
+we have known men calling themselves gentlemen, who have not thought it
+derogatory to accept a 'trifle' for their good offices in the cause. 'I can
+buy cheaper than you,' they say, 'and we may as well divide the trifle
+between us.'
+
+That was Mr. Spraggon's principle, only that the word 'trifle' inadequately
+conveys his opinion on the point; Jack's notion being that a man was
+entitled to 5_l._ per cent. as of right, and as much more as he could get.
+
+It was not often that Jack got a 'bite' at my lord, which, perhaps, made
+him think it the more incumbent on him not to miss an opportunity. Having
+been told, of course he knew exactly the style of man he had to deal with
+in Mr. Sponge--a style of men of whom there is never any difficulty in
+asking if they will sell their horses, price being the only consideration.
+They are, indeed, a sort of unlicensed horse-dealers, from whose presence
+few hunts are wholly free. Mr. Spraggon thought if he could get Sponge to
+make it worth his while to get my lord to buy his horses, the--whatever he
+might get--would come in very comfortably to pay his Christmas bills.
+
+By the time the bottle drew to a close, our friends were rather better
+friends, and seemed more inclined to fraternize. Jack had the advantage of
+Sponge, for he could stare, or rather squint, at him without Sponge knowing
+it. The pint of wine apiece--at least, as near a pint apiece as Spigot
+could afford to let them have--somewhat strung Jack's nerves as well as his
+eyes, and he began to show more of the pupils and less of the whites than
+he did. He buzzed the bottle with such a hearty good will as settled the
+fate of another, which Sponge rang for as a matter of course. There was but
+the rejected one, which, however, Spigot put into a different decanter, and
+brought in with such an air as precluded either of them saying a word in
+disparagement of it.
+
+'Where are the hounds next week?' asked Sponge, sipping away at it.
+
+'Monday, Larkhall Hill; Tuesday, the cross-roads by Dallington Burn;
+Thursday, the Toll-bar at Whitburrow Green; Saturday, the kennels,' replied
+Jack.
+
+'Good places?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Monday's good,' replied Jack; 'draw Thorney Gorse--sure find; second draw,
+Barnlow Woods, and home by Loxley, Padmore, and so on.'
+
+'What sort of a place is Tuesday?'
+
+'Tuesday?' repeated Jack. 'Tuesday! Oh, that's the cross-roads. Capital
+place, unless the fox takes to Rumborrow Craigs, or gets into Seedywood
+Forest, when there's an end of it--at least, an end of everything except
+pulling one's horse's legs off in the stiff clayey rides. It's a long way
+from here, though,' observed Jack.
+
+'How far?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Good twenty miles,' replied Jack. 'It's sixteen from us; it'll be a good
+deal more from here.'
+
+'His lordship will lay out overnight, then?' observed Sponge.
+
+'Not he,' replied Jack. 'Takes better care of his sixpences than that. Up
+in the dark, breakfast by candlelight, grope our ways to the stable, and
+blunder along the deep lanes, and through all the by-roads in the
+country--get there somehow or another.'
+
+'Keen hand!' observed Sponge.
+
+'Mad!' replied Jack.
+
+They then paid their mutual respects to the port.
+
+'He hunts there on Tuesdays,' observed Jack, setting down his glass, 'so
+that he may have all Wednesday to get home in, and be sure of appearing on
+Thursday. There's no saying where he may finish with a cross-roads' meet.'
+
+By the time the worthies had finished the bottle, they had got a certain
+way into each other's confidence. The hint Lord Scamperdale had given about
+buying Sponge's horses still occupied Jack's mind; and the more he
+considered the subject, and the worth of a corner in his lordship's will,
+the more sensible he became of the truth of the old adage, that 'a bird in
+the hand is worth two in the bush.' 'My lord,' thought Jack, 'promises
+fair, but it is _but_ a chance, and a remote one. He may live many
+years--as long, perhaps longer, than me. Indeed, he puts me on horses that
+are anything but calculated to promote longevity. Then he may marry a wife
+who may eject me, as some wives do eject their husbands' agreeable friends;
+or he may change his mind, and leave me nothing after all.'
+
+All things considered, Jack came to the conclusion that he should not be
+doing himself justice if he did not take advantage of such fair
+opportunities as chance placed in his way, and therefore he thought he
+might as well be picking up a penny during his lordship's life, as be
+waiting for a contingency that might never occur. Mr. Jawleyford's
+indisposition preventing Jack making the announcement he was sent to do,
+made it incumbent on him, as he argued, to see what could be done with the
+alternative his lordship had proposed--namely, buying Sponge's horses. At
+least, Jack salved his conscience over with the old plea of duty; and had
+come to that conclusion as he again helped himself to the last glass in the
+bottle.
+
+'Would you like a little claret?' asked Sponge, with all the hospitality of
+a host.
+
+'No, hang your claret!' replied Jack.
+
+'A little brandy, perhaps?' suggested Sponge.
+
+'I shouldn't mind a glass of brandy,' replied Jack, 'by way of a nightcap.'
+
+Spigot, at this moment entering to announce tea and coffee, was interrupted
+in his oration by Sponge demanding some brandy.
+
+'Sorry,' replied Spigot, pretending to be quite taken by surprise, 'very
+sorry, sir--but, sir--master, sir--bed, sir--disturb him, sir.'
+
+'Oh, dash it, never mind that!' exclaimed Jack; 'tell him Mr.
+Sprag--Sprag--Spraggon' (the bottle of port beginning to make Jack rather
+inarticulate)--'tell him Mr. Spraggon wants a little.'
+
+'Dursn't disturb him, sir,' responded Spigot, with a shake of his head;
+'much as my place, sir, is worth, sir.'
+
+'Haven't you a little drop in your pantry, think you?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The _cook_ perhaps has,' replied Mr. Spigot, as if it was quite out of his
+line.
+
+'Well, go and ask her,' said Sponge; 'and bring some hot water and things,
+the same as we had last night, you know.'
+
+Mr. Spigot retired, and presently returned, bearing a tray with
+three-quarters of a bottle of brandy, which he impressed upon their minds
+was the 'cook's _own_.'
+
+'I dare say,' hiccuped Jack, holding the bottle up to the light.
+
+'Hope she wasn't using it herself,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Tell her we'll (hiccup) her health,' hiccuped Jack, pouring a liberal
+potation into his tumbler.
+
+'That'll be all you'll _do_, I dare say,' muttered Spigot to himself, as he
+sauntered back to his pantry.
+
+'Does Jaw stand smoking?' asked Jack, as Spigot disappeared.
+
+'Oh, I should think so,' replied Sponge; 'a friend like you, I'm sure,
+would be welcome'--Sponge thinking to indulge in a cigar, and lay the blame
+on Jack.
+
+'Well, if you think so,' said Jack, pulling out his cigar-case, or rather
+his lordship's, and staggering to the chimney-piece for a match, though
+there was a candle at his elbow, 'I'll have a pipe.'
+
+'So'll I,' said Sponge, 'if you'll give me a cigar.' 'Much yours as mine,'
+replied Jack, handing him his lordship's richly embroidered case with
+coronets and ciphers on either side, the gift of one of the many would-be
+Lady Scamperdales.
+
+'Want a light!' hiccuped Jack, who had now got a glow-worm end to his.
+
+'Thanks,' said Sponge, availing himself of the friendly overture.
+
+Our friends now whiffed and puffed away together--whiffing and puffing
+where whiffing and puffing had never been known before. The brandy began to
+disappear pretty quickly; it was better than the wine.
+
+'That's a n--n--nice--ish horse of yours,' stammered Jack, as he mixed
+himself a second tumbler.
+
+'Which?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The bur--bur--brown,' spluttered Jack.
+
+'He is _that_,' replied Sponge; 'best horse in this country by far.'
+
+'The che--che--chest--nut's not a ba--ba--bad un. I dare say,' observed
+Jack.
+
+'No, he's not,' replied Sponge; 'a deuced good un.'
+
+'I know a man who's rayther s--s--s--sweet on the b--b--br--brown,'
+observed Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+Sponge sat silent for a few seconds, pretending to be wrapt up in his
+'sublime tobacco.'
+
+'Is he a buyer, or just a jawer?' he asked at last.
+
+'Oh, a _buyer_,' replied Jack.
+
+'I'll _sell_,' said Sponge, with a strong emphasis on the sell.
+
+'How much?' asked Jack, sobering with the excitement.
+
+'Which?' asked Sponge.
+
+'The brown,' rejoined Jack.
+
+'Three hundred,' said Sponge; adding, 'I gave two for him.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Jack.
+
+A long pause then ensued. Jack thinking whether he should put the question
+boldly as to what Sponge would give him for effecting a sale, or should
+beat about the bush a little. At last he thought it would be most prudent
+to beat about the bush, and see if Sponge would make an offer.
+
+'Well,' said Jack, 'I'll s--s--s--see what I can do.'
+
+'That's a good fellow,' said Sponge; adding, 'I'll remember you if you do.'
+
+'I dare say I can s--s--s--sell them both, for that matter,' observed Jack,
+encouraged by the promise.
+
+'Well,' replied Sponge, 'I'll take the same for the chestnut; there isn't
+the toss-up of a halfpenny for choice between them.'
+
+'Well,' said Jack,' we'll s--s--s--see them next week.'
+
+'Just so,' said Sponge.
+
+'You r--r--ride well up to the h--h--hounds,' continued Jack; 'and let his
+lordship s--s--see w--w--what they can do.'
+
+'I will,' said Sponge, wishing he was at work.
+
+'Never mind his rowing,' observed Jack; 'he c--c--can't help it.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge, puffing away at his cigar.
+
+When men once begin to drink brandy-and-water (after wine) there's an end
+of all note of time. Our friends--for we 'may now call them so,' sat sip,
+sip, sipping--mix, mix, mixing; now strengthening, now weakening, now
+warming, now flavouring, till they had not only finished the hot water but
+a large jug of cold, that graced the centre of the table between two
+frosted tumblers, and had nearly got through the brandy too.
+
+'May as well fi--fi--fin--nish the bottle,' observed Jack, holding it up to
+the candle. 'Just a thi--thi--thim--bleful apiece,' added he, helping
+himself to about three-quarters of what there was.
+
+'You've taken your share,' observed Sponge, as the bottle suspended payment
+before he got half the quantity that Jack had.
+
+'Sque--ee--eze it,' replied Jack, suiting the action to the word, and
+working away at an exhausted lemon.
+
+At length they finished.
+
+'Well, I s'pose we may as well go and have some tea,' observed Jack.
+
+'It's not announced yet,' said Sponge, 'but I make no doubt it will be
+ready.'
+
+So saying, the worthies rose, and, after sundry bumps and certain
+irregularities of course, they each succeeded in reaching the door. The
+passage lamp had died out and filled the corridor with its fragrance.
+Sponge, however, knew the way, and the darkness favored the adjustment of
+cravats and the fingering of hair. Having got up a sort of drunken simper,
+Sponge opened the drawing-room door, expecting to find smiling ladies in a
+blaze of light. All, however, was darkness, save the expiring embers in the
+grate. The tick, tick, tick, ticking of the clocks sounded wonderfully
+clear.
+
+'Gone to bed!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'WHO-HOOP!' shrieked Jack, at the top of his voice.
+
+'What's smatter, gentlemen?--What's smatter?' exclaimed Spigot rushing in,
+rubbing his eyes with one hand, and holding a block tin candlestick in the
+other.
+
+'Nothin',' replied Jack, squinting his eyes inside out; adding, 'get me a
+devilled--' (hiccup).
+
+'Don't know how to do them here, sir,' snapped Spigot.
+
+'Devilled turkey's leg though you do, you rascal!' rejoined Jack, doubling
+his fists and putting himself in posture.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' replied Spigot, 'but the cook, sir, is gone to bed, sir.
+Do you know, sir, what o'clock it is, sir?'
+
+'No,' replied Jack.
+
+'What time is it?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Twenty minutes to two,' replied Spigot, holding up a sort of pocket
+warming-pan, which he called a watch.
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'Who'd ha' thought it?' muttered Jack.
+
+'Well, then, I suppose we may as well go to bed,' observed Sponge.
+
+'S'pose so,' replied Jack; 'nothin' more to get.'
+
+'Do you know your room?' asked Sponge.
+
+'To be sure I do,' replied Jack; 'don't think I'm d--d--dr--drunk, do you?'
+
+'Not likely,' rejoined Sponge.
+
+Jack then commenced a very crab-like ascent of the stairs, which
+fortunately were easy, or he would never have got up. Mr. Sponge, who still
+occupied the state apartments, took leave of Jack at his own door, and Jack
+went bumping and blundering on in search of the branch passage leading to
+his piggery. He found the green baize door that usually distinguishes the
+entrance to these secondary suites, and was presently lurching along its
+contracted passage. As luck would have it, however, he got into his host's
+dressing-room, where that worthy slept; and when Jawleyford jumped up in
+the morning, as was his wont, to see what sort of a day it was, he trod on
+Jack's face, who had fallen down in his clothes alongside of the bed, and
+Jawleyford broke Jack's spectacles across the bridge of his nose.
+
+'Rot it!' roared Jack, jumping up, 'don't ride over a fellow that way!'
+When, shaking himself to try whether any limbs were broken, he found he was
+in his dress clothes instead of in the roomy garments of the Flat Hat Hunt.
+'Who are you? where am I? what the deuce do you mean by breaking my specs?'
+he exclaimed, squinting frightfully at his host.
+
+'My dear sir,' exclaimed Mr. Jawleyford, from the top of his night-shirt,
+'I'm very sorry, but--'
+
+'Hang your _buts_! you shouldn't ride so near a man!' exclaimed Jack,
+gathering up the fragments of his spectacles; when, recollecting himself,
+he finished by saying, 'Perhaps I'd better go to my own room.'
+
+'Perhaps you had,' replied Mr. Jawleyford, advancing towards the door to
+show him the way.
+
+'Let me have a candle,' said Jack, preparing to follow.
+
+'Candle, my dear fellow! why, it's broad daylight,' replied his host.
+
+'Is it?' said Jack, apparently unconscious of the fact. 'What's the hour?'
+
+'Five minutes to eight,' replied Jawleyford, looking at a timepiece.
+
+When Jack got into his own den he threw himself into an old invalid chair,
+and sat rubbing the fractured spectacles together as if he thought they
+would unite by friction, though in reality he was endeavouring to run the
+overnight's proceedings through his mind. The more he thought of Amelia's
+winning ways, the more satisfied he was that he had made an impression, and
+then the more vexed he was at having his spectacles broken: for though he
+considered himself very presentable without them, still he could not but
+feel that they were a desirable addition. Then, too, he had a splitting
+headache; and finding that breakfast was not till ten and might be a good
+deal later, all things considered, he determined to be off and follow up
+his success under more favourable auspices. Considering that all the
+clothes he had with him were his lordship's, he thought it immaterial which
+he went home in, so to save trouble he just wrapped himself up in his
+mackintosh and travelled in the dress ones he had on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was fortunate for Mr. Sponge that he went, for, when Jawleyford smelt
+the indignity that had been offered to his dining-room, he broke out in
+such a torrent of indignation as would have been extremely unpleasant if
+there had not been some one to lay the blame on. Indeed, he was not
+particularly gracious to Mr. Sponge as it was; but that arose as much from
+certain dark hints that had worked their way from the servants' hall into
+'my lady's chamber' as to our friend's pecuniary resources and prospects.
+Jawleyford began to suspect that Sponge might not be quite the great
+'catch' he was represented.
+
+Beyond, however, putting a few searching questions--which Mr. Sponge
+skilfully parried--advising his daughters to be cautious, lessening the
+number of lights, and lowering the scale of his entertainments generally,
+Mr. Jawleyford did not take any decided step in the matter. Mr. Spraggon
+comforted Lord Scamperdale with the assurance that Amelia had no idea of
+Sponge, who he made no doubt would very soon be out of the country--and his
+lordship went to church and prayed most devoutly for him to go.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+MR. AND MRS. SPRINGWHEAT
+
+    'Lord Scamperdale's foxhounds meet on Monday at Larkhall Hill,'
+    &c. &c.--_County Paper_.
+
+
+The Flat Hat Hunt had relapsed into its wonted quiet, and 'Larkhall Hill'
+saw none but the regular attendants, men without the slightest particle of
+curve in their hats--hats, indeed, that looked as if the owners sat upon
+them when they hadn't them on their heads. There was Fyle, and Fossick, and
+Blossomnose, and Sparks, and Joyce, and Capon, and Dribble, and a few
+others, but neither Washball nor Puffington, nor any of the holiday birds.
+
+[Illustration: HIS LORDSHIP HAS IT ALL TO HIMSELF]
+
+Precisely at ten, my lord, and his hounds, and his huntsman, and his whips,
+and his Jack, trotted round Farmer Springwheat's spacious back premises,
+and appeared in due form before the green rails in front. 'Pride attends us
+all,' as the poet says; and if his lordship had ridden into the yard, and
+halloaed out for a glass of home-brewed, Springwheat would have trapped
+every fox on his farm, and the blooming Mrs. Springwheat would have had an
+interminable poultry-bill against the hunt; whereas, simply by 'making
+things pleasant'--that is to say, coming to breakfast--Springwheat saw his
+corn trampled on, nay, led the way over it himself, and Mrs. Springwheat
+saw her Dorkings disappear without a murmur--unless, indeed, an inquiry
+when his lordship would be coming could be considered in that light.
+
+Larkhall Hill stood in the centre of a circle, on a gentle eminence,
+commanding a view over a farm whose fertile fields and well-trimmed fences
+sufficiently indicated its boundaries, and looked indeed as if all the good
+of the country had come up to it. It was green and luxuriant even in
+winter, while the strong cane-coloured stubbles showed what a crop there
+had been. Turnips as big as cheeses swelled above the ground. In a little
+narrow dell, whose existence was more plainly indicated from the house by
+several healthy spindling larches shooting up from among the green gorse,
+was the cover--an almost certain find, with the almost equal certainty of a
+run from it. It occupied both sides of the sandy, rabbit-frequented dell,
+through which ran a sparkling stream, and it possessed the great advantage
+to foot-people of letting them see the fox found. Larkhall Hill was,
+therefore, a favourite both with horse and foot. So much good--at all
+events, so much well-farmed land would seem to justify a better or more
+imposing-looking house, the present one consisting, exclusive of the
+projecting garret ones in the Dutch tile roof, of the usual four windows
+and a door, that so well tell their own tale; passage in the middle,
+staircase in front, parlour on the right, best ditto on the left, with
+rooms to correspond above. To be sure, there was a great depth of house to
+the back; but this in no way contributed to the importance of the front,
+from which point alone the Springwheats chose to have it contemplated. If
+the back arrangements could have been divided, and added to the sides, they
+would have made two very good wings to the old red brick rose-entwined
+mansion. Having mentioned that its colour was red, it is almost superfluous
+to add that the door and rails were green.
+
+This was a busy morning at Larkhall Hill. It was the first day of the
+season of my lord's hounds meeting there, and the handsome Mrs. Springwheat
+had had as much trouble in overhauling the china and linen, and in dressing
+the children, preparatory to breakfast, as Springwheat had had in
+collecting knives and forks, and wine-glasses and tumblers for his
+department of the entertainment, to say nothing of looking after his new
+tops and cords. 'The Hill,' as the country people call it, was 'full fig';
+and a bright, balmy winter's day softened the atmosphere, and felt as
+though a summer's day had been shaken out of its place into winter. It is
+not often that the English climate is accommodating enough to lend its aid
+to set off a place to advantage.
+
+Be that, however, as it may, things looked smiling both without and within.
+Mrs. Springwheat, by dint of early rising and superintendence, had got
+things into such a state of forwardness as to be able to adorn herself with
+a little jaunty cap--curious in microscopic punctures and cherry-coloured
+ribbon interlardments--placed so far back on her finely-shaped head as to
+proclaim beyond all possibility of cavil that it was there for ornament,
+and not for the purpose of concealing the liberties of time with her
+well-kept, clearly parted, raven-black hair. Liberties of time, forsooth!
+Mrs. Springwheat was in the heighday of womanhood; and though she had
+presented Springwheat with twins three times in succession, besides an
+eldest son, she was as young, fresh-looking, and finely figured as she was
+the day she was married. She was now dressed in a very fine French grey
+merino, with a very small crochet-work collar, and, of course, capacious
+muslin sleeves. The high flounces to her dress set off her smart waist to
+great advantage.
+
+Mrs. Springwheat had got everything ready, and herself too, by the time
+Lord Scamperdale's second horseman rode into the yard and demanded a stall
+for his horse. Knowing how soon the balloon follows the pilot, she
+immediately ranged the Stunner-tartan-clad children in the breakfast-room;
+and as the first whip's rate sounded as he rode round the corner, she sank
+into an easy-chair by the fire, with a lace-fringed kerchief in the one
+hand and the _Mark Lane Express_ in the other.
+
+'Halloa! Springey!' followed by the heavy crack of a whip, announced the
+arrival of his lordship before the green palings; and a loud view halloa
+burst from Jack, as the object of inquiry was seen dancing about the
+open-windowed room above, with his face all flushed with the exertion of
+pulling on a very tight boot.
+
+'Come in, my lord! pray, come in! The missis is below!' exclaimed
+Springwheat, from the window; and just at the moment the pad-groom emerged
+from the house, and ran to his lordship's horse's head.
+
+His lordship and Jack then dismounted, and gave their hacks in charge of
+the servant; while Wake, and Fyle, and Archer, who were also of the party,
+scanned the countenances of the surrounding idlers, to see in whose hands
+they had best confide their nags.
+
+In Lord Scamperdale stamped, followed by his train-band bold, and Maria,
+the maid, being duly stationed in the passage, threw open the parlour door
+on the left, and discovered Mrs. Springwheat sitting in attitude.
+
+'Well, my lady, and how are you?' exclaimed his lordship, advancing gaily,
+and seizing both her pretty hands as she rose to receive him. 'I declare,
+you look younger and prettier every time I see you.'
+
+'Oh! my lord,' simpered Mrs. Springwheat, 'you gentlemen are always so
+complimentary.'
+
+'Not a bit of it!' exclaimed his lordship, eyeing her intently through his
+silver spectacles, for he had been obliged to let Jack have the other pair
+of tortoiseshell-rimmed ones. 'Not a bit of it,' repeated his lordship. 'I
+always tell Jack you are the handsomest woman in Christendom; don't I,
+Jack?' inquired his lordship, appealing to his factotum.
+
+'Yes, my lord,' replied Jack, who always swore to whatever his lordship
+said.
+
+'By Jove!' continued his lordship, with a stamp of his foot, 'if I could
+find such a woman I'd marry her to-morrow. Not such women as you to pick up
+every day. And what a lot of pretty pups!' exclaimed his lordship, starting
+back, pretending to be struck with the row of staring, black-haired,
+black-eyed, half-frightened children. 'Now, that's what I call a good
+entry,' continued his lordship, scrutinizing them attentively, and pointing
+them out to Jack; 'all dogs--all boys I mean!' added he.
+
+'No, my lord,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, laughing, 'these are girls,'
+laying her hand on the heads of two of them, who were now full giggle at
+the idea of being taken for boys.
+
+'Well, they're devilish handsome, anyhow,' replied his lordship, thinking
+he might as well be done with the inspection.
+
+Springwheat himself now made his appearance, as fine a sample of a man as
+his wife was of a woman. His face was flushed with the exertion of pulling
+on his tight boots, and his lordship felt the creases the hooks had left as
+he shook him by the hand.
+
+'Well, Springey,' said he, 'I was just asking your wife after the new
+babby.'
+
+'Oh, thank you, my lord,' replied Springey, with a shake of his curly head;
+'thank you, my lord; no new babbies, my lord, with wheat below forty, my
+lord.'
+
+'Well, but you've got a pair of new boots, at all events,' observed his
+lordship, eyeing Springwheat's refractory calves bagging over the tops of
+them.
+
+''Deed have I!' replied Springwheat; 'and a pair of uncommon awkward tight
+customers they are,' added he, trying to move his feet about in them.
+
+'Ah! you should always have a chap to wear your boots a few times before
+you put them on yourself,' observed his lordship. 'I never have a pair of
+tight uns,' added he; 'Jack here always does the needful by mine.'
+
+'That's all very well for lords,' replied Mr. Springwheat; 'but us farmers
+wear out our boots fast enough ourselves, without anybody to help us.'
+
+'Well, but I s'pose we may as well fall to,' observed his lordship, casting
+his eye upon the well-garnished table. 'All these good things are meant to
+eat, I s'pose,' added he: 'cakes, and sweets, and jellies without end: and
+as to your sideboard,' said he, turning round and looking at it, 'it's a
+match for any Lord Mayor's. A round of beef, a ham, a tongue, and is that a
+goose or a turkey?'
+
+'A turkey, my lord,' replied Springwheat; 'home-fed, my lord.'
+
+'Ah, home-fed, indeed!' ejaculated his lordship, with a shake of the head:
+'home-fed: wish I could feed at home. The man who said that
+
+    E'en from the peasant to the lord,
+    The turkey smokes on every board,
+
+told a big un, for I'm sure none ever smokes on mine.'
+
+'Take a little here to-day, then,' observed Mr. Springwheat, cutting deep
+into the white breast.
+
+'I will,' replied his lordship, 'I will: and a slice of tongue, too,' added
+he.
+
+'There are some hot sausingers comin',' observed Mr. Springwheat.
+
+'You _don't_ say so,' replied his lordship, apparently thunderstruck at the
+announcement. 'Well, I must have all three. By Jove, Jack!' said he,
+appealing to his friend, 'but you've lit on your legs coming here. Here's a
+breakfast fit to set before the Queen--muffins, and crumpets, and cakes.
+Let me advise you to make the best use of your time, for you have but
+twenty minutes,' continued his lordship, looking at his watch, 'and muffins
+and crumpets don't come in your way every day.'
+
+''Deed they don't,' replied Jack, with a grin.
+
+'Will your lordship take tea or coffee?' asked Mrs. Springwheat, who had
+now taken her seat at the top of the table, behind a richly chased
+equipage for the distribution of those beverages.
+
+''Pon my word,' replied his lordship, apparently bewildered--''pon my word,
+I don't know what to say. Tea or coffee? To tell you the truth, I was going
+to take something out of my black friend yonder,' nodding to where a French
+bottle like a tall bully was lifting its head above an encircling stand of
+liqueur-glasses.
+
+'Suppose you have a little of what we call laced tea, my lord--tea with a
+dash of brandy in it?' suggested Mr. Springwheat.
+
+'Laced tea,' repeated his lordship; 'laced tea: so I will,' said he.
+'Deuced good idea--deuced good idea,' continued he, bringing the bottle and
+seating himself on Mrs. Springwheat's right, while his host helped him to a
+most plentiful plate of turkey and tongue. The table was now about full, as
+was the room; the guests just rolling in as they would to a public-house,
+and helping themselves to whatever they liked. Great was the noise of
+eating.
+
+As his lordship was in the full enjoyment of his plateful of meat, he
+happened to look up, and, the space between him and the window being clear,
+he saw something that caused him to drop his knife and fork and fall back
+in his chair as if he was shot.
+
+'My lord's ill!' exclaimed Mr. Springwheat, who, being the only man with
+his nose up, was the first to perceive it.
+
+'Clap him on the back!' shrieked Mrs. Springwheat, who considered that an
+infallible recipe for the ailments of children.
+
+'Oh, Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both, as they rushed to his assistance, 'what
+is the matter with my lord?'
+
+'Oh, that Mister something!' gasped his lordship, bending forward in his
+chair, and venturing another glance through the window.
+
+Sure enough, there was Sponge, in the act of dismounting from the piebald,
+and resigning it with becoming dignity to his trusty groom, Mr. Leather,
+who stood most respectfully--Parvo in hand--waiting to receive it.
+
+Mr. Sponge, being of opinion that a red coat is a passport everywhere,
+having stamped the mud sparks off his boots at the door, swaggered in with
+the greatest coolness, exclaiming as he bobbed his head to the lady, and
+looked round at the company:
+
+'What, grubbing away! grubbing away, eh?'
+
+'Won't you take a little refreshment?' asked Mr. Springwheat, in the hearty
+way these hospitable fellows welcome everybody.
+
+'Yes, I will,' replied Sponge, turning to the sideboard as though it were
+an inn. 'That's a monstrous fine ham,' observed he; 'why doesn't somebody
+cut it?'
+
+'Let me help you to some, sir,' replied Mr. Springwheat, seizing the
+buck-handled knife and fork, and diving deep into the rich red meat with
+the knife.
+
+Mr. Sponge having got two bountiful slices, with a knotch of home-made
+brown bread, and some mustard on his plate, now made for the table, and
+elbowed himself into a place between Mr. Fossick and Sparks, immediately
+opposite Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Good morning,' said he to that worthy, as he saw the whites of his eyes
+showing through his spectacles.
+
+'Mornin',' muttered Jack, as if his mouth was either too full to
+articulate, or he didn't want to have anything to say to Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Here's a fine hunting morning, my lord,' observed Sponge, addressing
+himself to his lordship, who sat on Jack's left.
+
+'Here's a very fine hunting morning, my lord,' repeated Sponge, not getting
+an answer to his first assertion.
+
+'Is it?' blurted his lordship, pretending to be desperately busy with the
+contents of his plate, though in reality his appetite was gone.
+
+A dead pause now ensued, interrupted only by the clattering of knives and
+forks, and the occasional exclamations of parties in want of some
+particular article of food. A chill had come over the scene--a chill whose
+cause was apparent to every one, except the worthy host and hostess, who
+had not heard of Mr. Sponge's descent upon the country. They attributed it
+to his lordship's indisposition, and Mr. Springwheat endeavoured to cheer
+him up with the prospect of sport.
+
+'There's a brace, if not a leash, of foxes in cover, my lord,' observed he,
+seeing his lordship was only playing with the contents of his plate.
+
+'Is there?' exclaimed his lordship, brightening up: 'let's be at 'em!'
+added he, jumping up and diving under the side-table for his flat hat and
+heavy iron hammer-headed whip. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs. Springwheat,'
+exclaimed he, putting on his hat and seizing both her soft fat-fingered
+hands and squeezing them ardently. 'Good morning, my dear Mrs.
+Springwheat,' repeated he, adding, 'By Jove! if ever there was an angel in
+petticoats, you're her; I'd give a hundred pounds for such a wife as you!
+I'd give a thousand pounds for such a wife as you! By the powers! I'd give
+five thousand pounds for such a wife as you!' With which asseverations his
+lordship stamped away in his great clumsy boots, amidst the ill-suppressed
+laughter of the party.
+
+'No hurry, gentlemen--no hurry,' observed Mr. Springwheat, as some of the
+keen ones were preparing to follow, and began sorting their hats, and
+making the mistakes incident to their being all the same shape. 'No hurry,
+sir--no hurry, sir,' repeated Springwheat, addressing Mr. Sponge
+specifically; 'his lordship will have a talk to his hounds yet, and his
+horse is still in the stable.'
+
+With this assurance Mr. Sponge resumed his seat at the table, where several
+of the hungry ones were plying their knives and forks as if they were
+indeed breaking their fasts.
+
+'Well, old boy, and how are you?' asked Sponge, as the whites of Jack's
+eyes again settled upon him, on the latter's looking up from his plateful
+of sausages.
+
+'Nicely. How are you?' asked Jack.
+
+'Nicely too,' replied Sponge, in the laconic way men speak who have been
+engaged in some common enterprise--getting drunk, pelting people with
+rotten eggs, or anything of that sort.
+
+'Jaw and the ladies well?' asked Jack, in the same strain.
+
+'Oh, nicely,' said Sponge.
+
+'Take a glass of cherry-brandy,' exclaimed the hospitable Mr. Springwheat:
+'nothing like a drop of something for steadying the nerves.'
+
+'Presently,' replied Sponge, 'presently; meanwhile I'll trouble the missis
+for a cup of coffee. Coffee without sugar,' said Sponge, addressing the
+lady.
+
+'With pleasure,' replied Mrs. Springwheat, glad to get a little custom for
+her goods. Most of the gentlemen had been at the bottles and sideboard.
+
+Springwheat, seeing Mr. Sponge, the only person who, as a stranger, there
+was any occasion for him to attend to, in the care of his wife, now slipped
+out of the room, and mounting his five-year-old horse, whose tail stuck out
+like the long horn of a coach, as his ploughman groom said, rode off to
+join the hunt.
+
+'By the powers, but those are capital sarsingers!' observed Jack, smacking
+his lips and eating away for hard life. 'Just look if my lord's on his
+horse yet,' added he to one of the children, who had begun to hover round
+the table and dive their fingers into the sweets.
+
+'No,' replied the child; 'he's still on foot, playing with the dogs.'
+
+'Here goes, then,' said Jack, 'for another plate,' suiting the action to
+the word, and running with his plate to the sausage-dish.
+
+'Have a hot one,' exclaimed Mrs. Springwheat, adding, 'it will be done in a
+minute.'
+
+'No, thank ye,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head, adding, 'I might be
+done in a minute too.'
+
+'He'll wait for you, I suppose?' observed Sponge, addressing Jack.
+
+'Not so clear about that,' replied Jack, gobbling away; 'time and my lord
+wait for no man. But it's hardly the half-hour yet,' added he, looking at
+his watch.
+
+He then fell to with the voracity of a hound after hunting. Sponge, too,
+made the most of his time, as did two or three others who still remained.
+
+'Now for the jumping-powder!' at length exclaimed Sponge, looking round for
+the bottle. 'What shall it be, cherry or neat?' continued he, pointing to
+the two. 'Cherry for me,' replied Jack, squinting and eating away without
+looking up.
+
+'I say _neat_,' rejoined Sponge, helping himself out of the French bottle.
+
+'You'll be hard to hold after that,' observed Jack, as he eyed Sponge
+tossing it off.
+
+'I hope my horse won't,' replied Sponge, remembering he was going to ride
+the resolute chestnut.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'You'll show us the way, I dare say,' observed Jack.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Sponge, helping himself to a second glass.
+
+'What! at it again!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'Take care you don't ride over
+my lord.'
+
+'I'll take care of the old file,' said Sponge; 'it wouldn't do to kill the
+goose that lays the golden what-do-ye-call-'ems, you know--he, he, he!'
+
+'No,' chuckled Jack;' 'deed it wouldn't--must make the most of him.'
+
+'What sort of a humour is he in to-day?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Middlin',' replied Jack, 'middlin'; he'll abuse you most likely, but that
+you mustn't mind.'
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge, who was used to that sort of thing.
+
+'You mustn't mind me either,' observed Jack, sweeping the last piece of
+sausage into his mouth with his knife, and jumping up from the table. 'When
+his lordship rows I row,' added he, diving under the side-table for his
+flat hat.
+
+'Hark! there's the horn!' exclaimed Sponge, rushing to the window.
+
+'So there is,' responded Jack, standing transfixed on one leg to the spot.
+
+'By the powers, they're away!' exclaimed Sponge, as his lordship was seen
+hat in hand careering over the meadow, beyond the cover, with the tail
+hounds straining to overtake their flying comrades. Twang--twang--twang
+went Frostyface's horn; crack--crack--crack went the ponderous thongs of
+the whips; shouts, and yells, and yelps, and whoops, and halloas,
+proclaimed the usual wild excitement of this privileged period of the
+chase. All was joy save among the gourmands assembled at the door--they
+looked blank indeed.
+
+'What a sell!' exclaimed Sponge, in disgust, who, with Jack, saw the
+hopelessness of the case.
+
+'Yonder he goes!' exclaimed a lad, who had run up from the cover to see the
+hunt from the rising ground.
+
+'Where?' exclaimed Sponge, straining his eyeballs.
+
+'There!' said the lad, pointing due south. 'D'ye see Tommy Claychop's
+pasture? Now he's through the hedge and into Mrs. Starveland's turnip
+field, making right for Bramblebrake Wood on the hill.'
+
+'So he is,' said Sponge, who now caught sight of the fox emerging from the
+turnips on to a grass field beyond.
+
+Jack stood staring through his great spectacles, without deigning a word.
+
+'What shall we do?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Do?' replied Jack, with his chin still up; 'go home, I should think.'
+
+'There's a man down!' exclaimed a groom, who formed one of the group, as a
+dark-coated rider and horse measured their length on a pasture.
+
+'It's Mr. Sparks,' said another, adding, 'he's always rolling about.'
+
+'Lor', look at the parson!' exclaimed a third, as Blossomnose was seen
+gathering his horse and setting up his shoulders preparatory to riding at a
+gate.
+
+'Well done, old 'un!' roared a fourth, as the horse flew over it,
+apparently without an effort.
+
+'Now for Tom!' cried several, as the second whip went galloping up on the
+line of the gate.
+
+'Ah! he won't have it!' was the cry, as the horse suddenly stopped short,
+nearly shooting Tom over his head. 'Try him again--try him again--take a
+good run--that's him--there, he's over!' was the cry, as Tom flourished his
+arm in the air on landing.
+
+'Look! there's old Tommy Baker, the rat-ketcher!' cried another, as a man
+went working his arms and legs on an old white pony across a fallow.
+
+'Ah, Tommy! Tommy! you'd better shut up,' observed another: 'a pig could go
+as fast as that.'
+
+And so they criticized the laggers.
+
+'How did my lord get his horse?' asked Spraggon of the groom who had
+brought them on, who now joined the eye-straining group at the door.
+
+'It was taken down to him at the cover,' replied the man. 'My lord went in
+on foot, and the horse went round the back way. The horse wasn't there half
+a minute before he was wanted; for no sooner were the hounds in at one end
+than out popped the fox at t'other. Sich a whopper!--biggest fox that ever
+was seen.'
+
+'They are all the biggest foxes that ever were seen,' snapped Mr. Sponge.
+'I'll be bound he was not a bit bigger than common.'
+
+'I'll be bound not, either,' growled Mr. Spraggon, squinting frightfully at
+the man, adding, 'go, get me my hack, and don't be talking nonsense there.'
+
+Our friends then remounted their hacks and parted company in very moderate
+humours, feeling fully satisfied that his lordship had done it on purpose.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+THE FINEST RUN THAT EVER WAS SEEN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Hoo-ray, Jack! Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, bursting into his
+sanctum where Mr. Spraggon sat in his hunting coat and slippers, spelling
+away at a second-hand copy of _Bell's Life_ by the light of a melancholy
+mould candle. 'Hooray, Jack! hooray!' repeated he, waving that proud
+trophy, a splendid fox's brush, over his grizzly head.
+
+His lordship was the picture of delight. He had had a tremendous run--the
+finest run that ever was seen! His hounds had behaved to perfection; his
+horse--though he had downed him three times--had carried him well, and his
+lordship stood with his crownless flat hat in his hand, and one coat lap in
+the pocket of the other--a grinning, exulting, self-satisfied specimen of a
+happy Englishman.
+
+'Lor! what a sight you are!' observed Jack, turning the light of the candle
+upon his lordship's dirty person. 'Why, I declare you're an inch thick with
+mud,' he added, 'mud from head to foot,' he continued, working the light up
+and down.
+
+'Never mind the mud, you old badger!' roared his lordship, still waving the
+brush over his head: 'never mind the mud, you old badger; the mud'll come
+off, or may stay on; but such a run as we've had does not come off every
+day.'
+
+'Well, I'm glad you have had a run,' replied Jack. 'I'm glad you have had a
+run,' adding, 'I was afraid at one time that your day's sport was spoiled.'
+
+'Well, do you know,' replied his lordship, 'when I saw that unrighteous
+snob, I was near sick. If it were possible for a man to faint, I should
+have thought I was going to do so. At first I thought of going home, taking
+the hounds away too; then I thought of going myself and leaving the hounds;
+then I thought if I left the hounds it would only make the sinful
+scaramouch more outrageous, and I should be sitting on pins and needles
+till they came home, thinking how he was crashing among them. Next I
+thought of drawing all the unlikely places in the country, and making a
+blank day of it. Then I thought that would only be like cutting off my nose
+to spite my face. Then I didn't know what on earth to do. At last, when I
+saw the critter's great pecker steadily down in his plate, I thought I
+would try and steal a march upon him, and get away with my fox while he was
+feeding; and, oh! how thankful I was when I looked back from Bramblebrake
+Hill, and saw no signs of him in the distance.'
+
+'It wasn't likely you'd see him,' interrupted Jack, 'for he never got away
+from the front door. I twigged what you were after, and kept him up in talk
+about his horses and his ridin' till I saw you were fairly away.'
+
+'You did well,' exclaimed Lord Scamperdale, patting Jack on the back; 'you
+did well, my old buck-o'-wax; and, by Jove! we'll have a bottle of port--a
+bottle of port, as I live,' repeated his lordship, as if he had made up his
+mind to do a most magnificent act.
+
+'But what's happened you behind?--what's happened you behind?' asked Jack,
+as his lordship turned to the fire, and exhibited his docked tail.
+
+'Oh, hang the coat!--it's neither here nor there,' replied his lordship;
+'hat neither,' he added, exhibiting its crushed proportions. 'Old
+Blossomnose did the coat; and as to the hat, I did it myself--at least, old
+Daddy Longlegs and I did it between us. We got into a grass-field, of
+which they had cut a few roods of fence, just enough to tempt a man out of
+a very deep lane, and away we sailed, in the enjoyment of fine sound sward,
+with the rest of the field plunging and floundering, and holding and
+grinning, and thinking what fools they were for not following my
+example--when, lo and behold! I got to the bottom of the field, and found
+there was no way out--no chance of a bore through the great thick, high
+hedge, except at a branchy willow, where there was just enough room to
+squeeze a horse through, provided he didn't rise at the ditch on the far
+side. At first I was for getting off; indeed, had my right foot out of the
+stirrup, when the hounds dashed forrard with such energy--looking like
+running--and remembering the tremendous climb I should have to get on to
+old Daddy's back again, and seeing some of the nasty jealous chaps in the
+lane eyeing me through the fence, thinking how I was floored, I determined
+to stay where I was; and gathering the horse together, tried to squeeze
+through the hole. Well, he went shuffling and sliding down to it, as though
+he were conscious of the difficulty, and poked his head quietly past the
+tree, when, getting a sight of the ditch on the far side, he rose, and
+banged my head against the branch above, crushing my hat right over my
+eyes, and in that position he carried me through blindfold.'
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack, turning his spectacles full upon his lordship,
+and adding, 'it's lucky he didn't crack your crown.'
+
+'It is,' assented his lordship, feeling his head to satisfy himself that he
+had not done so.
+
+'And how did you lose your tail?' asked Jack, having got the information
+about the hat.
+
+'The tail! ah, the tail!' replied his lordship, feeling behind, where it
+wasn't;' I'll tell you how that was: you see we went away like blazes from
+Springwheat's gorse--nice gorse it is, and nice woman he has for a
+wife--but, however, that's neither here nor there; what I was going to tell
+you about was the run, and how I lost my tail. Well, we got away like
+winking; no sooner were the hounds in on one side than away went the fox
+on the other. Not a soul shouted till he was clean gone; hats in the air
+was all that told his departure. The fox thus had time to run matters
+through his mind--think whether he should go to Ravenscar Craigs, or make
+for the main earths at Painscastle Grove. He chose the latter, doubtless
+feeling himself strong and full of running; and if we had chosen his ground
+for him he could not have taken us a finer line. He went as straight as an
+arrow through Bramblebrake Wood, and then away down the hill over those
+great enormous pastures to Haselbury Park, which he skirted, leaving
+Evercreech Green on the left, pointing as if for Dormston Dean. Here he was
+chased by a cur, and the hounds were brought to a momentary check. Frosty,
+however, was well up, and a hat being held up on Hothersell Hill, he
+clapped forrard and laid the hounds on beyond. We then viewed the fox
+sailing away over Eddlethorp Downs, still pointing for Painscastle Grove,
+with the Hamerton Brook lighting up here and there in the distance.
+
+'The field, I should tell you, were fairly taken by surprise. There wasn't
+a man ready for a start; my horse had only just come down. Fossick was on
+foot, drawing his girths; Fyle was striking a light to smoke a cigar on his
+hack; Blossomnose and Capon's grooms were fistling and wisping their
+horses; Dribble, as usual, was all behind; and altogether there was such a
+scene of hurry and confusion as never was seen.
+
+'As they came to the brook they got somewhat into line, and one saw who was
+there. Five or six of us charged it together, and two went under. One was
+Springwheat on his bay, who was somewhat pumped out; the other was said to
+be Hook. Old Daddy Longlegs skimmed it like a swallow, and, getting his
+hind-legs well under him, shot over the pastures beyond, as if he was going
+upon turf. The hounds all this time had been running, or rather racing,
+nearly mute. They now, however, began to feel for the scent; and, as they
+got upon the cold, bleak grounds above Somerton Quarries, they were fairly
+brought to their noses. Uncommon glad I was to see them; for ten minutes
+more, at the pace they had been going, would have shaken off every man
+Jack of us. As it was, it was bellows to mend; and Calcott's roarer roared
+as surely roarer never roared before. You could hear him half a mile off.
+We had barely time, however, to turn our horses to the wind, and ease them
+for a few moments, before the pace began to mend, and from a catching to a
+holding scent they again poured across Wallingburn pastures, and away to
+Roughacres Court. It was between these places that I got my head duntled
+into my hat,' continued his lordship, knocking the crownless hat against
+his mud-stained knee. 'However, I didn't care a button, though I'd not worn
+it above two years, and it might have lasted me a long time about home; but
+misfortunes seldom come singly, and I was soon to have another. The few of
+us that were left were all for the lanes, and very accommodating the one
+between Newton Bushell and the Forty-foot Bank was, the hounds running
+parallel within a hundred yards on the left for nearly a mile. When,
+however, we got to the old water-mill in the fields below, the fox made a
+bend to the left, as if changing his mind, and making for Newtonbroome
+Woods, and we were obliged to try the fortunes of war in the fields. The
+first fence we came to looked like nothing, and there was a weak place
+right in my line that I rode at, expecting the horse would easily bore
+through a few twigs that crossed the upper part of it. These, however,
+happened to be twisted, to stop the gap, and not having put on enough
+steam, they checked him as he rose, and brought him right down on his head
+in the broad ditch, on the far side. Old Blossomnose, who was following
+close behind, not making any allowance for falls, was in the air before I
+was well down, and his horse came with a forefoot, into my pocket, and tore
+the lap clean off by the skirt'; his lordship exhibiting the lap as he
+spoke.
+
+'It's your new coat, too,' observed Jack, examining it with concern as he
+spoke.
+
+''Deed, is it!' replied his lordship, with a shake of the head. ''Deed, is
+it! That's the consequence of having gone out to breakfast. If it had been
+to-morrow, for instance, I should have had number two on, or maybe number
+three,' his lordship having coats of every shade and grade, from stainless
+scarlet down to tattered mulberry colour.
+
+'It'll mend, however,' observed his lordship, taking it back from Jack;
+'it'll mend, however,' he said, fitting it round to the skirt as he spoke.
+
+'Oh, nicely!' replied Jack; 'it's come off clean by the skirt. But what
+said Old Blossom?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Oh, he was full of apologies and couldn't helps it as usual,' replied his
+lordship; 'he was down, too, I should tell you, with his horse on his left
+leg; but there wasn't much time for apologies or explanation, for the
+hounds were running pretty sharp, considering how long they had been at
+work, and there was the chance of others jumping upon us if we didn't get
+out of the way, so we both scrambled up as quick as we could and got into
+our places again.'
+
+'Which way did you go, then?' asked Jack, who had listened with the
+attention of a man who knows every yard of the country.
+
+'Well,' continued his lordship, casting back to where he got his fall, 'the
+fox crossed the Coatenburn township, picking all the plough and
+bad-scenting ground as he went, but it was of no use, his fate was sealed;
+and though he began to run short, and dodge and thread the hedge-rows, they
+hunted him yard by yard till he again made an effort for his life, and took
+over Mossingburn Moor, pointing for Penrose Tower on the hill. Here
+Frosty's horse, Little Jumper, declined, and we left him standing in the
+middle of the moor with a stiff neck, kicking and staring and looking
+mournfully at his flanks. Daddy Longlegs, too, had begun to sob, and in
+vain I looked back in hopes of seeing Jack-a-Dandy coming up. "Well," said
+I to myself, "I've got a pair of good strong boots on, and I'll finish the
+run on foot but I'll see it"; when, just at the moment, the pack broke from
+scent to view and rolled the fox up like a hedgehog amongst them.'
+
+'Well done!' exclaimed Jack, adding, 'that was a run with a vengeance!'
+'Wasn't it?' replied his lordship, rubbing his hands and stamping; 'the
+finest run that ever was seen--the finest run that ever was seen!'
+
+'Why, it couldn't be less than twelve miles from point to point,' observed
+Jack, thinking it over.
+
+'Not a yard,' replied his lordship, 'not a yard, and from fourteen to
+fifteen as the hounds ran.'
+
+'It would be all that,' assented Jack. 'How long were you in doing it?' he
+asked.
+
+'An hour and forty minutes,' replied his lordship; 'an hour and forty
+minutes from the find to the finish'; adding, 'I'll stick the brush and
+present it to Mrs. Springwheat.'
+
+'It's to be hoped Springy's out of the brook,' observed Jack.
+
+'To be hoped so,' replied his lordship, thinking, if he wasn't whether he
+should marry Mrs. Springwheat or not.
+
+Well now, after all that, we fancy we hear our fair friends exclaim, 'Thank
+goodness, there's an end of Lord Scamperdale and his hunting; he has had a
+good run, and will rest quiet for a time; we shall now hear something of
+Amelia and Emily, and the doings at Jawleyford Court.' Mistaken lady! If
+you are lucky enough to marry an out-and-out fox-hunter, you will find that
+a good run is only adding fuel to the fire, only making him anxious for
+more. Lord Scamperdale's sporting fire was in full blaze. His bumps and his
+thumps, his rolls, and his scrambles, only brought out the beauties and
+perfections of the thing. He cared nothing for his hat-crown, no; nor for
+his coat-lap either. Nay, he wouldn't have cared if it had been made into a
+spencer.
+
+'What's to-day? Monday,' said his lordship, answering himself. 'Monday,' he
+repeated; 'Monday--bubble-and-squeak, I guess--sooner it's ready the
+better, for I'm half-famished--didn't do half-justice to that nice
+breakfast at Springy's. That nasty brown-booted buffer completely threw me
+off my feed. By the way, what became of the chestnut-booted animal?'
+
+'Went home,' replied Jack; 'fittest place for him.'
+
+'Hope he'll stay there,' rejoined his lordship. 'No fear of his being at
+the roads to-morrow, is there?' 'None,' replied Jack. 'I told him it was
+quite an impossible distance from him, twenty miles at least.'
+
+'That's grand!' exclaimed his lordship; 'that's grand! Then we'll have a
+rare, ding-dong hey--away pop. There'll be no end of those nasty, jealous,
+Puffington dogs out; and if we have half such a scent as we had to-day,
+we'll sew some of them up, we'll show 'em what hunting is. Now,' he added,
+'if you'll go and get the bottle of port, I'll clean myself, and then we'll
+have dinner as quick as we can.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+THE FAITHFUL GROOM
+
+
+We left our friend Mr. Sponge wending his way home moodily, after having
+lost his day at Larkhall Hill. Some of our readers will, perhaps, say, why
+didn't he clap on, and try to catch up the hounds at a check, or at all
+events rejoin them for an afternoon fox? Gentle reader! Mr. Sponge did not
+hunt on those terms; he was a front-rank or a 'nowhere' man, and
+independently of catching hounds up being always a fatiguing and hazardous
+speculation, especially on a fine-scenting day, the exertion would have
+taken more out of his horse than would have been desirable for successful
+display in a second run. Mr. Sponge, therefore, determined to go home.
+
+As he sauntered along, musing on the mishaps of the chase, wondering how
+Miss Jawleyford would look, and playing himself an occasional tune with his
+spur against his stirrup, who should come trotting behind him but Mr.
+Leather on the redoubtable chestnut? Mr. Sponge beckoned him alongside. The
+horse looked blooming and bright; his eye was clear and cheerful, and there
+was a sort of springy graceful action that looked like easy going.
+
+One always fancies a horse most with another man on him. We see all his
+good points without feeling his imperfections--his trippings, or startings,
+or snatchings, or borings, or roughness of action, and Mr. Sponge
+proceeded to make a silent estimate of Multum in Parvo's qualities as he
+trotted gently along on the grassy side of the somewhat wide road.
+
+'By Jove! it's a pity but his lordship had seen him,' thought Sponge, as
+the emulation of companionship made the horse gradually increase his pace,
+and steal forward with the lightest, freest action imaginable. 'If he was
+but all right,' continued Sponge, with a shake of the head, 'he would be
+worth any money, for he has the strength of a dray-horse, with the symmetry
+and action of a racer.'
+
+Then Sponge thought he shouldn't have an opportunity of showing the horse
+till Thursday, for Jack had satisfied him that the next day's meet was
+quite beyond distance from Jawleyford Court.
+
+'It's a bore,' said he, rising in his stirrups, and tickling the piebald
+with his spurs, as if he were going to set-to for a race. He thought of
+having a trial of speed with the chestnut, up a slip of turf they were now
+approaching; but a sudden thought struck him, and he desisted. 'These
+horses have done nothing to-day,' he said; 'why shouldn't I send the
+chestnut on for to-morrow?'
+
+'Do you know where the cross-roads are?' he asked his groom.
+
+'Cross-roads, cross-roads--what cross-roads?' replied Leather.
+
+'Where the hounds meet to-morrow.'
+
+'Oh, the cross-roads at Somethin' Burn,' rejoined Leather
+thoughtfully--'no, 'deed, I don't,' he added. 'From all 'counts, they seem
+to be somewhere on the far side of the world.'
+
+That was not a very encouraging answer; and feeling it would require a good
+deal of persuasion to induce Mr. Leather to go in search of them without
+clothing and the necessary requirements for his horses, Mr. Sponge went
+trotting on, in hopes of seeing some place where he might get a sight of
+the map of the county. So they proceeded in silence, till a sudden turn of
+the road brought them to the spire and housetops of the little
+agricultural town of Barleyboll. It differed nothing from the ordinary run
+of small towns. It had a pond at one end, an inn in the middle, a church at
+one side, a fashionable milliner from London, a merchant tailor from the
+same place, and a hardware shop or two where they also sold treacle,
+Dartford gunpowder, pocket-handkerchiefs, sheep-nets, patent medicines,
+cheese, blacking, marbles, mole-traps, men's hats, and other miscellaneous
+articles. It was quite enough of a town, however, to raise a presumption
+that there would be a map of the county at the inn.
+
+'We'll just put the horses up for a few minutes, I think,' said Sponge,
+turning into the stable-yard at the end of the Red Lion Hotel and Posting
+House, adding, 'I want to write a letter, and perhaps,' said he, looking at
+his watch, 'you may be wanting your dinner.'
+
+Having resigned his horse to his servant, Mr. Sponge walked in, receiving
+the marked attention usually paid to a red coat. Mine host left his bar,
+where he was engaged in the usual occupation of drinking with customers for
+the 'good of the house.' A map of the county, of such liberal dimensions,
+was speedily produced, as would have terrified any one unaccustomed to
+distances and scales on which maps are laid down. For instance, Jawleyford
+Court, as the crow flies, was the same distance from the cross-roads at
+Dallington Burn as York was from London, in a map of England hanging beside
+it.
+
+'It's a goodish way,' said Sponge, getting a lighter off the chimney-piece,
+and measuring the distances. 'From Jawleyford Court to Billingsborough
+Rise, say seven miles; from Billingsborough Rise to Downington Wharf, other
+seven; from Downington Wharf to Shapcot, which seems the nearest point,
+will be--say five or six, perhaps--nineteen or twenty in all. Well, that's
+my work,' he observed, scratching his head, 'at least, my hack's; and from
+here, home,' he continued, measuring away as he spoke, 'will be twelve or
+thirteen. Well, that's nothing,' he said. 'Now for the horse,' he
+continued, again applying the lighter in a different direction. 'From here
+to Hardington will be, say, eight miles; from Hardington to Bewley, other
+five; eight and five are thirteen; and there, I should say, he might sleep.
+That would leave ten or twelve miles for the morning; nothing for a hack
+hunter; 'specially such a horse as that, and one that's done nothing for I
+don't know how long.'
+
+Altogether, Mr. Sponge determined to try it, especially considering that if
+he didn't get Tuesday, there would be nothing till Thursday; and he was not
+the man to keep a hack hunter standing idle.
+
+Accordingly he sought Mr. Leather, whom he found busily engaged in the
+servants' apartment, with a cold round of beef and a foaming flagon of ale
+before him.
+
+'Leather,' he said, in a tone of authority, 'I'll hunt to-morrow--ride the
+horse I should have ridden to-day.'
+
+'Where at?' asked Leather, diving his fork into a bottle of pickles, and
+fishing out an onion.
+
+'The cross-roads,' replied Sponge.
+
+'The cross-roads be fifty miles from here!' cried Leather.
+
+'Nonsense!' rejoined Sponge; 'I've just measured the distance. It's nothing
+of the sort.'
+
+'How far do you make it, then?' asked Leather, tucking in the beef.
+
+'Why, from here to Hardington is about six, and from Hardington to Bewley,
+four--ten in all,' replied Sponge. 'You can stay at Bewley all night, and
+then it is but a few miles on in the morning.'
+
+'And whativer am I to do for clothin'?' asked Leather, adding, 'I've
+nothin' with me--nothin' nouther for oss nor man.'
+
+'Oh, the ostler'll lend you what you want,' replied Sponge, in a tone of
+determination, adding, 'you can make shift for one night surely?'
+
+'One night surely!' retorted Leather. 'D'ye think an oss can't be ruined in
+one night?--humph!'
+
+'I'll risk it,' said Sponge.
+
+'But I won't,' replied Leather, blowing the foam from the tankard, and
+taking a long swig at the ale. 'I thinks I knows my duty to my gov'nor
+better nor that,' continued he, setting it down. 'I'll not see his
+waluable 'unters stowed away in pigsties--not I, indeed.'
+
+The fact was, Leather had an invitation to sup with the servants at
+Jawleyford Court that night, and he was not going to be done out of his
+engagement, especially as Mr. Sponge only allowed him two shillings a day
+for expenses wherever he was.
+
+[Illustration: MR. LEATHER AND SPONGE HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION]
+
+'Well, you're a cool hand, anyhow,' observed Mr. Sponge, quite taken by
+surprise.
+
+'Cool 'and, or not cool 'and,' replied Leather, munching away, 'I'll do my
+duty to my master. I'm not one o' your coatless, characterless scamps wot
+'ang about livery-stables ready to do anything they're bid. No sir, no,' he
+continued, pronging another onion; '_I_ have some regard for the hinterest
+o' my master. I'll do my duty in the station o' life in which I'm placed,
+and won't be 'fraid to face no man.' So saying, Mr. Leather cut himself a
+grand circumference of beef.
+
+Mr. Sponge was taken aback, for he had never seen a conscientious
+livery-stable helper before, and did not believe in the existence of such
+articles. However, here was Mr. Leather assuming a virtue, whether he had
+it or not; and Mr. Sponge being in the man's power, of course durst not
+quarrel with him. It was clear that Leather would not go; and the question
+was, what should Mr. Sponge do? 'Why shouldn't I go myself?' he thought,
+shutting his eyes, as if to keep his faculties free from outward
+distraction. He ran the thing quickly over in his mind. 'What Leather can
+do, I can do,' he said, remembering that a groom never demeaned himself by
+working where there was an ostler. 'These things I have on will do quite
+well for to-morrow, at least among such rough-and-ready dogs as the Flat
+Hat men, who seem as if they had their clothes pitched on with a fork.'
+
+His mind was quickly made up, and calling for pen, ink, and paper, he wrote
+a hasty note to Jawleyford, explaining why he would not cast up till the
+morrow; he then got the chestnut out of the stable, and desiring the ostler
+to give the note to Leather, and tell him to go home with his hack, he just
+rode out of the yard without giving Leather the chance of saying 'nay.' He
+then jogged on at a pace suitable to the accurate measurement of the
+distance.
+
+The horse seemed to like having Sponge's red coat on better than Leather's
+brown, and champed his bit, and stepped away quite gaily.
+
+'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, laying the rein on its neck, and leaning
+forward to pat him; 'it's a pity but you were always in this humour--you'd
+be worth a mint of money if you were.' He then resumed his seat in the
+saddle, and bethought him how he would show them the way on the morrow. 'If
+he doesn't beat every horse in the field, it shan't be my fault,' thought
+he; and thereupon he gave him the slightest possible touch with the spur,
+and the horse shot away up a strip of grass like an arrow.
+
+'By Jove, but you _can_ go!' said he, pulling up as the grass ran out upon
+the hard road.
+
+Thus he reached the village of Hardington, which he quickly cleared, and
+took the well-defined road to Bewley--a road adorned with milestones and
+set out with a liberal horse-track at either side.
+
+Day had closed ere our friend reached Bewley, but the children returning
+from school, and the country folks leaving their work, kept assuring him
+that he was on the right line, till the lights of the town, bursting upon
+him as he rounded the hill above, showed him the end of his journey.
+
+The best stalls at the head inn--the Bull's Head--were all full, several
+trusty grooms having arrived with the usual head-stalls and rolls of
+clothing on their horses, denoting the object of their mission. Most of the
+horses had been in some hours, and were now standing well littered up with
+straw, while the grooms were in the tap talking over their masters,
+discussing the merits of their horses, or arguing whether Lord Scamperdale
+was mad or not. They had just come to the conclusion that his lordship was
+mad, but not incapable of taking care of his affairs, when the trampling of
+Sponge's horse's feet drew them out to see who was coming next. Sponge's
+red coat at once told his tale, and procured him the usual attention.
+
+Mr. Leather's fear of the want of clothing for the valuable hunter proved
+wholly groundless, for each groom having come with a plentiful supply for
+his own horse, all the inn stock was at the service of the stranger. The
+stable, to be sure, was not quite so good as might be desired, but it was
+warm and water-tight, and the corn was far from bad. Altogether, Mr. Sponge
+thought he would do very well, and, having seen to his horse, proceeded to
+choose between beef-steaks and mutton chops for his own entertainment, and
+with the aid of the old country paper and some very questionable port, he
+passed the evening in anticipation of the sports of the morrow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+THE CROSS-ROADS AT DALLINGTON BURN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When his lordship and Jack mounted their hacks in the morning to go to the
+cross-roads at Dallington Burn, it was so dark that they could not see
+whether they were on bays or browns. It was a dull, murky day, with heavy
+spongy clouds overhead.
+
+There had been a great deal of rain in the night, and the horses poached
+and squashed as they went. Our sportsmen, however, were prepared as well
+for what had fallen as for what might come; for they were encased in
+enormously thick boots, with baggy overalls, and coats and waistcoats of
+the stoutest and most abundant order. They had each a sack of a mackintosh
+strapped on to their saddle fronts. Thus they went blobbing and groping
+their way along, varying the monotony of the journey by an occasional spurt
+of muddy water up into their faces, or the more nerve-trying noise of a
+floundering stumble over a heap of stones by the roadside. The country
+people stared with astonishment as they passed, and the muggers and
+tinkers, who were withdrawing their horses from the farmers' fields, stood
+trembling, lest they might be the 'pollis' coming after them.
+
+'I think it'll be a fine day,' observed his lordship, after they had
+bumped for some time in silence without its getting much lighter. 'I think
+it will be a fine day,' he said, taking his chin out of his great
+puddingy-spotted neckcloth, and turning his spectacled face up to the
+clouds.
+
+'The want of light is its chief fault,' observed Jack, adding, 'it's deuced
+dark!'
+
+'Ah, it'll get better of that,' observed his lordship. 'It's not much after
+eight yet,' he added, staring at his watch, and with difficulty making out
+that it was half-past. 'Days take off terribly about this time of year,' he
+observed; 'I've seen about Christmas when it has never been rightly light
+all day long.'
+
+They then floundered on again for some time further as before.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder if we have a large field,' at length observed Jack,
+bringing his hack alongside his lordship's.
+
+'Shouldn't wonder if Puff himself was to come--all over brooches and rings
+as usual,' replied his lordship.
+
+'And Charley Slapp, I'll be bund to say,' observed Jack. 'He a regular
+hanger-on of Puff's.'
+
+'Ass, that Slapp,' said his lordship; 'hate the sight of him!'
+
+'So do I,' replied Jack, adding, 'hate a hanger-on!'
+
+'There are the hounds,' said his lordship, as they now approached Culverton
+Dean, and a line of something white was discernible travelling the
+zig-zagging road on the opposite side.
+
+'Are they, think you?' replied Jack, staring through his great spectacles;
+'are they, think you? It looks to me more like a flock of sheep.'
+
+'I believe you're right,' said his lordship, staring too; 'indeed, I hear
+the dog. The hounds, however, can't be far ahead.'
+
+They then drew into single file to take the broken horse-track through the
+steep woody dean.
+
+'This is the longest sixteen miles I know,' observed Jack, as they emerged
+from it, and overtook the sheep.
+
+'It is,' replied his lordship, spurring his hack, who was now beginning to
+lag: 'the fact is, it's eighteen,' he continued; 'only if I was to tell
+Frosty it was eighteen, he would want to lay overnight, and that wouldn't
+do. Besides the trouble and inconvenience, it would spoil the best part of
+a five-pund note; and five-pund notes don't grow upon gooseberry-bushes--at
+least, not in my garden.'
+
+'Rather scarce in all gardens just now, I think,' observed Jack; 'at least,
+I never hear of anybody with one to spare.'
+
+'Money's like snow,' said his lordship, 'a very meltable article; and
+talking of snow,' he said, looking up at the heavy clouds, 'I wish we
+mayn't be going to have some--I don't like the look of things overhead.'
+
+'Heavy,' replied Jack; 'heavy: however, it's due about now.'
+
+'Due or not due,' said his lordship, 'it's a thing one never wishes to
+come; anybody may have my share of snow that likes--frost too.'
+
+The road, or rather track, now passed over Blobbington Moor, and our
+friends had enough to do to keep their horses out of peat-holes and bogs,
+without indulging in conversation. At length they cleared the moor, and,
+pulling out a gap at the corner of the inclosures, cut across a few fields,
+and got on to the Stumpington turnpike.
+
+'The hounds are here,' said Jack, after studying the muddy road for some
+time.
+
+'They'll not be there long,' replied his lordship, 'for Grabtintoll Gate
+isn't far ahead, and we don't waste our substance on pikes.'
+
+His lordship was right. The imprints soon diverged up a muddy lane on the
+right, and our sportsmen now got into a road so deep and bottomless as to
+put the idea of stones quite out of the question.
+
+'Hang the road!' exclaimed his lordship, as his hack nearly came on his
+nose, 'hang the road!' repeated he, adding, 'if Puff wasn't such an ass, I
+really think I'd give him up the cross-road country.'
+
+'It's bad to get at from us,' observed Jack, who didn't like such trashing
+distances.
+
+'Ah! but it's a rare good country when you get to it,' replied his
+lordship, shortening his rein and spurring his steed.
+
+The lane being at length cleared, the road became more practicable, passing
+over large pastures where a horseman could choose his own ground, instead
+of being bound by the narrow limits of the law. But though the road
+improved, the day did not; a thick fog coming drifting up from the
+south-east in aid of the general obscurity of the scene.
+
+'The day's gettin' _wuss_,' observed Jack, snuffling and staring about.
+
+'It'll blow over,' replied his lordship, who was not easily disheartened.
+'It'll blow over,' repeated he, adding, 'often rare scents such days as
+these. But we must put on,' continued he, looking at his watch, 'for it's
+half-past, and we are a mile or more off yet.' So saying, he clapped spurs
+to his hack and shot away at a canter, followed by Jack at a long-drawn
+'hammer and pincers' trot.
+
+A hunt is something like an Assize circuit, where certain great guns show
+everywhere, and smaller men drop in here and there, snatching a day or a
+brief, as the case may be. Sergeant Bluff and Sergeant Huff rustle and
+wrangle in every court, while Mr. Meeke and Mr. Sneeke enjoy their frights
+on the forensic arenas of their respective towns, on behalf of simple
+neighbours, who look upon them as thorough Solomons. So with hunts. Certain
+men who seem to have been sent into the world for the express purpose of
+hunting, arrive at every meet, far and near, with a punctuality that is
+truly surprising, and rarely associated with pleasure.
+
+If you listen to their conversation, it is generally a dissertation on the
+previous day's sport, with inquiries as to the nearest way to cover the
+next. Sometimes it is seasoned with censure of some other pack they have
+been seeing. These men are mounted and appointed in a manner that shows
+what a perfect profession hunting is with them. Of course, they come
+cantering to cover, lest any one should suppose they ride their horses on.
+
+The 'Cross-roads' was like two hunts or two circuits joining, for it
+generally drew the picked men from each, to say nothing of outriggers and
+chance customers. The regular attendants of either hunt were sufficiently
+distinguishable as well by the flat hats and baggy garments of the one, as
+by the dandified, Jemmy Jessamy air of the other. If a lord had not been at
+the head of the Flat Hats, the Puffington men would have considered them
+insufferable snobs. But to our day.
+
+As usual, where hounds have to travel a long distance, the field were
+assembled before they arrived. Almost all the cantering gentlemen had cast
+up.
+
+One cross-road meet being so much like another, it will not be worth while
+describing the one at Dallington Burn. The reader will have the kindness to
+imagine a couple of roads crossing an open common, with an armless
+sign-post on one side, and a rubble-stone bridge, with several of the
+coping-stones lying in the shallow stream below, on the other.
+
+The country round about, if any country could have been seen, would have
+shown wild, open, and cheerless. Here a patch of wood, there a patch of
+heath, but its general aspect bare and unfruitful. The commanding outline
+of Beechwood Forest was not visible for the weather. Time now, let us
+suppose, half-past ten, with a full muster of horsemen and a fog making
+unwonted dulness of the scene--the old sign-pole being the most conspicuous
+object of the whole.
+
+Hark! what a clamour there is about it. It's like a betting-post at
+Newmarket. How loud the people talk! What's the news? Queen Anne dead, or
+is there another French Revolution, or a fixed duty on corn? Reader, Mr.
+Puffington's hounds have had a run, and the Flat Hat men are disputing it.
+
+'Nothing of the sort! nothing of the sort!' exclaims Fossick, 'I know every
+yard of the country, and you can't make more nor eight of it anyhow, if
+eight.'
+
+'Well, but I've measured it on the map,' replied the speaker (Charley Slapp
+himself), 'and it's thirteen, if it's a yard.'
+
+'Then the country's grown bigger since my day,' rejoins Fossick, 'for I was
+dropped at Stubgrove, which is within a mile of where you found, and I've
+walked, and I've ridden, and I've driven every yard of the distance, and
+you can't make it more than eight, if it's as much. Can you, Capon?'
+exclaimed Fossick, appealing to another of the 'flat brims,' whose luminous
+face now shone through the fog.
+
+'No,' replied Capon, adding, 'not so much, I should say.'
+
+Just then up trotted Frostyface with the hounds.
+
+'Good morning, Frosty! good morning!' exclaim half-a-dozen voices, that it
+would be difficult to appropriate from the denseness of the fog. Frosty and
+the whips make a general salute with their caps.
+
+'Well, Frosty, I suppose you've heard what a run we had yesterday?'
+exclaims Charley Slapp, as soon as Frosty and the hounds are settled.
+
+'Had they, sir--had they?' replies Frosty, with a slight touch of his cap
+and a sneer. 'Glad to hear it, sir--glad to hear it. Hope they killed,
+sir--hope they killed!' with a still slighter touch of the cap.
+
+'Killed, aye!--killed in the open just below Crabstone Green, in _your_
+country,' adding, 'It was one of your foxes, I believe.'
+
+'Glad of it, sir--glad of it, sir,' replies Frosty. 'They wanted blood
+sadly--they wanted blood sadly. Quite welcome to one of our foxes,
+sir--_quite_ welcome. That's a brace and a 'alf they've killed.'
+
+'Brace and a ha-r-r-f!' drawls Slapp, in well-feigned disgust; 'brace and a
+ha-r-r-f!--why, it makes them ten brace, and six run to ground.'
+
+'Oh, don't tell _me_,' retorts Frosty, with a shake of disgust; 'don't tell
+me. I knows better--I knows better. They'd only killed a brace since they
+began hunting up to yesterday. The rest were all cubs, poor things!--all
+cubs, poor things! Mr. Puffington's hounds are not the sort of animals to
+kill foxes: nasty, skirtin', flashy, jealous divils; always starin' about
+for holloas and assistance. I'll be d----d if I'd give eighteenpence for
+the 'ole lot on 'em.'
+
+A loud guffaw from the Flat Hat men greeted this wholesale condemnation.
+The Puffington men looked unutterable things, and there is no saying what
+disagreeable comparisons might have been instituted (for the
+Puffingtonians mustered strong) had not his lordship and Jack cast up at
+the moment. Hats off and politeness was then the order of the day.
+
+'Mornin',' said his lordship, with a snatch of his hat in return, as he
+pulled up and stared into the cloud-enveloped crowd; 'Mornin', Fyle;
+mornin', Fossick,' he continued, as he distinguished those worthies, as
+much by their hats as anything else. 'Where are the horses?' he said to
+Frostyface.
+
+[Illustration: JACK FROSTY AND CHARLEY SLAPP]
+
+'Just beyond there, my lord,' replied the huntsman, pointing with his whip
+to where a cockaded servant was 'to-and-froing' a couple of hunters--a
+brown and a chestnut.
+
+'Let's be doing,' said his lordship, trotting up to them and throwing
+himself off his hack like a sack. Having divested himself of his muddy
+overalls, he mounted the brown, a splendid sixteen-hands horse in tip-top
+condition, and again made for the field in all the pride of masterly
+equestrianism. A momentary gleam of sunshine shot o'er the scene; a jerk of
+the head acted as a signal to throw off, and away they all moved from the
+meet.
+
+Thorneybush Gorse was a large eight-acre cover, formed partly of gorse and
+partly of stunted blackthorn, with here and there a sprinkling of Scotch
+firs. His lordship paid two pounds a year for it, having vainly tried to
+get it for thirty shillings, which was about the actual value of the land,
+but the proprietor claimed a little compensation for the trampling of
+horses about it; moreover, the Puffington men would have taken it at two
+pounds. It was a sure find, and the hounds dashed into it with a scent.
+
+The field ranged themselves at the accustomed corner, both hunts full of
+their previous day's run. Frostyface's 'Yoicks, wind him!' 'Yoicks, push
+him up!' was drowned in a medley of voices.
+
+A loud, clear, shrill 'TALLY-HO, AWAY!' from the far side of the cover
+caused all tongues to stop, and all hands to drop on the reins. Great was
+the excitement! Each hunt was determined to take the shine out of the
+other.
+
+'Twang, twang, twang!' 'Tweet, tweet, tweet!' went his lordship's and
+Frostyface's horns, as they came bounding over the gorse to the spot, with
+the eager pack rushing at their horses' heels. Then as the hounds crossed
+the line of scent, there was such an outburst of melody in cover, and such
+gathering of reins and thrusting on of hats outside! The hounds dashed out
+of cover as if somebody was kicking them. A man in scarlet was seen flying
+through the fog, producing the usual hold-hardings. 'Hold hard, sir!' 'God
+bless you, hold hard, sir!' with inquiries as to 'who the chap was that was
+going to catch the fox.'
+
+'It's Lumpleg!' exclaimed one of the Flat Hat men.
+
+'No, it's not!' roared a Puffingtonite; 'Lumpleg's here.'
+
+'Then it's Charley Slapp; he's always doing it,' rejoined the first
+speaker. 'Most jealous man in the world.'
+
+'Is he!' exclaimed Slapp, cantering past at his ease on a thoroughbred
+grey, as if he could well afford to dispense with a start.
+
+Reader! it was neither Lumpleg nor Slapp, nor any of the Puffington snobs,
+or Flat Hat swells, or Puffington swells, or Flat Hat snobs. It was our old
+friend Sponge; Monsieur Tonson again! Having arrived late, he had posted
+himself, unseen, by the cover side, and the fox had broke close to him.
+Unfortunately, he had headed him back, and a pretty kettle of fish was the
+result. Not only had he headed him back, but the resolute chestnut, having
+taken it into his head to run away, had snatched the bit between his teeth;
+and carried him to the far side of a field ere Sponge managed to
+manoere him round on a very liberal semi-circle, and face the now
+flying sportsmen, who came hurrying on through the mist like a charge of
+yeomanry after a salute. All was excitement, hurry-scurry, and
+horse-hugging, with the usual spurring, elbowing, and exertion to get into
+places, Mr. Fossick considering he had as much right to be before Mr. Fyle
+as Mr. Fyle had to be before old Capon.
+
+It apparently being all the same to the chestnut which way he went so long
+as he had his run, he now bore Sponge back as quickly as he had carried him
+away, and with yawning mouth, and head in the air, he dashed right at the
+coming horsemen, charging Lord Scamperdale full tilt as he was in the act
+of returning his horn to its case. Great was the collision! His lordship
+flew one way, his horse another, his hat a third, his whip a fourth, his
+spectacles a fifth; in fact, he was scattered all over. In an instant he
+lay the centre of a circle, kicking on his back like a lively turtle.
+
+'Oh! I'm kilt!' he roared, striking out as if he was swimming, or rather
+floating. 'I'm kilt!' he repeated. 'He's broken my back--he's broken my
+legs--he's broken my ribs--he's broken my collar-bone--he's knocked my
+right eye into the heel of my left boot. Oh! will nobody catch him and kill
+him? Will nobody do for him? Will you see an English nobleman knocked
+about like a ninepin?' added his lordship, scrambling up to go in pursuit
+of Mr. Sponge himself, exclaiming, as he stood shaking his fist at him,
+'Rot ye, sir! hangin's too good for ye! you should be condemned to hunt in
+Berwickshire the rest of your life!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+BOLTING THE BADGER
+
+
+When a man and his horse differ seriously in public, and the man feels the
+horse has the best of it, it is wise for the man to appear to accommodate
+his views to those of the horse, rather than risk a defeat. It is best to
+let the horse go his way, and pretend it is yours. There is no secret so
+close as that between a rider and his horse.
+
+Mr. Sponge, having scattered Lord Scamperdale in the summary way described
+in our last chapter, let the chestnut gallop away, consoling himself with
+the idea that even if the hounds did hunt, it would be impossible for him
+to show his horse to advantage on so dark and unfavourable a day. He,
+therefore, just let the beast gallop till he began to flag, and then he
+spurred him and made him gallop on his account. He thus took his change out
+of him, and arrived at Jawleyford Court a little after luncheon time.
+
+Brief as had been his absence, things had undergone a great change. Certain
+dark hints respecting his ways and means had worked their way from the
+servants' hall to my lady's chamber, and into the upper regions generally.
+These had been augmented by Leather's, the trusty groom's, overnight visit,
+in fulfilment of his engagement to sup with the servants. Nor was Mr.
+Leather's anger abated by the unceremonious way Mr. Sponge rode off with
+the horse, leaving him to hear of his departure from the ostler. Having
+broken faith with him, he considered it his duty to be 'upsides' with him,
+and tell the servants all he knew about him. Accordingly he let out, in
+strict confidence of course, to Spigot, that so far from Mr. Sponge being a
+gentleman of 'fortin,' as he called it, with a dozen or two hunters planted
+here and there, he was nothing but the hirer of a couple of hacks, with
+himself as a job-groom, by the week. Spigot, who was on the best of terms
+with the 'cook-housekeeper,' and had his clothes washed on the sly in the
+laundry, could not do less than communicate the intelligence to her, from
+whom it went to the lady's-maid, and thence circulated in the upper
+regions.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Juliana, the maid, finding Miss Amelia less indisposed to hear Mr. Sponge
+run down than she expected, proceeded to add her own observations to the
+information derived from Leather, the groom. 'Indeed, she couldn't say that
+she thought much of Mr. Sponge herself; his shirts were coarse, so were his
+pocket-handkerchiefs; and she never yet saw a real gent without a valet.'
+
+Amelia, without any positive intention of giving up Mr. Sponge, at least
+not until she saw further, had nevertheless got an idea that she was
+destined for a much higher sphere. Having duly considered all the
+circumstances of Mr. Spraggon's visit to Jawleyford Court, conned over
+several mysterious coughs and half-finished sentences he had indulged in,
+she had about come to the conclusion that the real object of his mission
+was to negotiate a matrimonial alliance on behalf of Lord Scamperdale. His
+lordship's constantly expressed intention of getting married was well
+calculated to mislead one whose experience of the world was not
+sufficiently great to know that those men who are always talking about it
+are the least likely to get married, just as men who are always talking
+about buying horses are the men who never do buy them. Be that, however, as
+it may, Amelia was tolerably easy about Mr. Sponge. If he had money she
+could take him; if he hadn't, she could let him alone.
+
+Jawleyford, too, who was more hospitable at a distance, and in imagination
+than in reality, had had about enough of our friend. Indeed, a man whose
+talk was of hunting, and his reading _Mogg_ was not likely to have much in
+common with a gentleman of taste and elegance, as our friend set up to be.
+The delicate inquiry that Mrs. Jawleyford now made, as to 'whether he knew
+Mr. Sponge to be a man of fortune,' set him off at a tangent.
+
+'ME know he's a man of fortune! _I_ know nothing of his fortune.
+You asked him here, not ME,' exclaimed Jawleyford, stamping
+furiously.
+
+'No, my dear,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford mildly; 'he asked himself, you know;
+but I thought, perhaps, you might have said something that--'
+
+'ME say anything!' interrupted Jawleyford. '_I_ never said
+anything--at least, nothing that any man with a particle of sense would
+think anything of,' continued he, remembering the scene in the
+billiard-room. 'It's one thing to tell a man, if he comes your way, you'll
+be glad to see him, and another to ask him to come bag and baggage, as this
+impudent Mr. Sponge has done,' added he.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford, who saw where the shoe was pinching
+her bear.
+
+'I wish he was off,' observed Jawleyford, after a pause. 'He bothers me
+excessively--I'll try and get rid of him by saying we are going from home.'
+
+'Where can you say we are going to?' asked Mrs. Jawleyford.
+
+'Oh, anywhere,' replied Jawleyford; 'he doesn't know the people about here:
+the Tewkesbury's, the Woolerton's, the Brown's--anybody.'
+
+Before they had got any definite plan of proceeding arranged, Mr. Sponge
+returned from the chase. 'Ah, my dear sir!' exclaimed Jawleyford,
+half-gaily, half-moodily, extending a couple of fingers as Sponge entered
+his study: 'we thought you had taken French leave of us, and were off.'
+
+Mr. Sponge asked if his groom had not delivered his note.
+
+'No,' replied Jawleyford boldly, though he had it in his pocket; 'at least,
+not that I've seen. Mrs. Jawleyford, perhaps, may have got it,' added he.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Sponge; 'it was very idle of him.' He then proceeded to
+detail to Jawleyford what the reader already knows, how he had lost his day
+at Larkhall Hill, and had tried to make up for it by going to the
+cross-roads. 'Ah!' exclaimed Jawleyford, when he was done; 'that's a
+pity--great pity--monstrous pity--never knew anything so unlucky in my
+life.'
+
+'Misfortunes will happen,' replied Sponge, in a tone of unconcern.
+
+'Ah, it wasn't so much the loss of the hunt I was thinking of,' replied
+Jawleyford, 'as the arrangements we have made in consequence of thinking
+you were gone.'
+
+'What are they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Why, my Lord Barker, a great friend of ours--known him from a boy--just
+like brothers, in short--sent over this morning to ask us all
+there--shooting party, charades, that sort of thing--and we accepted.'
+
+'But that need make no difference,' replied Sponge; 'I'll go too.'
+
+Jawleyford was taken aback. He had not calculated upon so much coolness.
+
+'Well,' stammered he, 'that might do, to be sure; but--if--I'm not quite
+sure that I could take any one--'
+
+'But if you're as thick as you say, you can have no difficulty,' replied
+our friend.
+
+'True,' replied Jawleyford; 'but then we go a large party ourselves--two
+and two's four,' said he, 'to say nothing of servants; besides, his
+lordship mayn't have room--house will most likely be full.'
+
+'Oh, a single man can always be put up; shake-down--anything does for him,'
+replied Sponge. 'But you would lose your hunting,' replied Jawleyford.
+'Barkington Tower is quite out of Lord Scamperdale's country.'
+
+'That doesn't matter,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I don't think I'll trouble
+his lordship much more. These Flat Hat gentlemen are not over and above
+civil, in my opinion.'
+
+'Well,' replied Jawleyford, nettled at this thwarting of his attempt,
+'that's for your consideration. However, as you've come, I'll talk to Mrs.
+Jawleyford, and see if we can get off the Barkington expedition.'
+
+'But don't get off on my account,' replied Sponge. 'I can stay here quite
+well. I dare say you'll not be away long.'
+
+This was worse still; it held out no hope of getting rid of him. Jawleyford
+therefore resolved to try and smoke and starve him out. When our friend
+went to dress, he found his old apartment, the state-room, put away, the
+heavy brocade curtains brown-hollanded, the jugs turned upside down, the
+bed stripped of its clothes and the looking-glass laid a-top of it.
+
+The smirking housemaid, who was just rolling the fire-irons up in the
+hearth-rug, greeted him with a 'Please, sir, we've shifted you into the
+brown room, east,' leading the way to the condemned cell that 'Jack' had
+occupied, where a newly lit fire was puffing out dense clouds of brown
+smoke, obscuring even the gilt letters on the back of _Mogg's Cab Fares_,
+as the little volume lay on the toilet-table.
+
+'What's happened now?' asked our friend of the maid, putting his arm round
+her waist, and giving her a hearty squeeze. 'What's happened now, that
+you've put me into this dog-hole?' asked he.
+
+'Oh! I don't know,' replied she, laughing; 'I s'pose they're afraid you'll
+bring the old rotten curtains down in the other room with smokin'. Master's
+a sad old wife,' added she.
+
+A great change had come over everything. The fare, the lights, the footmen,
+the everything, underwent grievous diminution. The lamps were extinguished,
+and the transparent wax gave way to Palmer's composites, under the mild
+influence of whose unsearching light the young ladies sported their dashed
+dresses with impunity. Competition between them, indeed, was about an end.
+Amelia claimed Mr. Sponge, should he be worth having, and should the
+Scamperdale scheme fail; while Emily, having her mamma's assurance that he
+would not do for either of them, resigned herself complacently to what she
+could not help.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION]
+
+Mr. Sponge, on his part, saw that all things portended a close. He cared
+nothing about the old willow-pattern set usurping the place of the
+Jawleyford-armed china; but the contents of the dishes were bad, and the
+wine, if possible, worse. Most palpable Marsala did duty for sherry, and
+the corked port was again in requisition. Jawleyford was no longer the
+brisk, cheery-hearted Jawleyford of Laverick Wells, but a crusty, fidgety,
+fire-stirring sort of fellow, desperately given to his _Morning Post_.
+
+Worst of all, when Mr. Sponge retired to his den to smoke a cigar and study
+his dear cab fares, he was so suffocated with smoke that he was obliged to
+put out the fire, notwithstanding the weather was cold, indeed inclining to
+frost. He lit his cigar notwithstanding; and, as he indulged in it, he ran
+all the circumstances of his situation through his mind. His pressing
+invitation--his magnificent reception--the attention of the ladies--and now
+the sudden change everything had taken. He couldn't make it out, somehow;
+but the consequences were plain enough. 'The fellow's a humbug,' at length
+said he, throwing the cigar-end away, and turning into bed, when the
+information Watson the keeper gave him on arriving recurred to his mind,
+and he was satisfied that Jawleyford was a humbug. It was clear Mr. Sponge
+had made a mistake in coming; the best thing he could do now was to back
+out, and see if the fair Amelia would take it to heart. In the midst of his
+cogitations Mr. Puffington's pressing invitation occurred to his mind, and
+it appeared to be the very thing for him, affording him an immediate asylum
+within reach of the fair lady, should she be likely to die.
+
+Next day he wrote to volunteer a visit.
+
+Mr. Puffington, who was still in ignorance of our friend's real character,
+and still believed him to be a second 'Nimrod' out on a 'tour,' was
+overjoyed at his letter; and, strange to relate, the same post that brought
+his answer jumping at the proposal, brought a letter from Lord Scamperdale
+to Jawleyford, saying that, 'as soon as Jawleyford was _quite alone_
+(scored under) he would like to pay him a visit.' His lordship, we should
+inform the reader, notwithstanding his recent mishap, still held out
+against Jack Spraggon's recommendation to get rid of Mr. Sponge by buying
+his horses, and he determined to try this experiment first. His lordship
+thought at one time of entering into an explanation, telling Mr.
+Jawleyford the damage Sponge had done him, and the nuisance he was
+entailing upon him by harbouring him; but not being a great scholar, and
+several hard words turning up that his lordship could not well clear in the
+spelling, he just confined himself to a laconic, which, as it turned out,
+was a most fortunate course. Indeed, he had another difficulty besides the
+spelling, for the hounds having as usual had a great run after Mr. Sponge
+had floored him--knocked his right eye into the heel of his left boot, as
+he said--in the course of which run his lordship's horse had rolled over
+him on a road, he was like the railway people--unable to distinguish
+between capital and income--unable to say which were Sponge's bangs and
+which his own; so, like a hard cricket-ball sort of a man as he was, he
+just pocketed all, and wrote as we have described.
+
+His lordship's and Mr. Puffington's letters diffused joy into a house that
+seemed likely to be distracted with trouble.
+
+So then endeth our thirtieth chapter, and a very pleasant ending it is, for
+we leave everyone in perfect good humour and spirits, Sponge pleased at
+having got a fresh billet, Jawleyford delighted at the coming of the lord,
+and each fair lady practising in private how to sign her Christian name in
+conjunction with 'Scamperdale.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+MR. PUFFINGTON; OR THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN
+
+
+Mr. Puffington took the Mangeysterne, now the Hanby hounds, because he
+thought they would give him consequence. Not that he was particularly
+deficient in that article; but being a new man in the county, he thought
+that taking them would make him popular, and give him standing. He had no
+natural inclination for hunting, but seeing friends who had no taste for
+the turf take upon themselves the responsibility of stewardships, he saw
+no reason why he should not make a similar sacrifice at the shrine of
+Diana. Indeed, Puff was not bred for a sportsman. His father, a most
+estimable man, and one with whom we have spent many a convivial evening,
+was a great starch-maker at Stepney; and his mother was the daughter of an
+eminent Worcestershire stone-china maker. Save such ludicrous hunts as they
+might have seen on their brown jugs, we do not believe either of them had
+any acquaintance whatever with the chase. Old Puffington was, however, what
+a wise heir esteems a great deal more--an excellent man of business, and
+amassed mountains of money. To see his establishment at Stepney, one would
+think the whole world was going to be starched. Enormous dock-tailed
+dray-horses emerged with ponderous waggons heaped up to the very skies,
+while others would come rumbling in, laden with wheat, potatoes, and other
+starch-making ingredients. Puffington's blue roans were well known about
+town, and were considered the handsomest horses of the day; quite equal to
+Barclay and Perkin's piebalds.
+
+Old Puffington was not like a sportsman. He was a little, soft, rosy,
+roundabout man, with stiff resolute legs that did not look as if they could
+be bent to a saddle. He was great, however, in a gig, and slouched like a
+sack.
+
+Mrs. Puffington, _nee_ Smith, was a tall handsome woman, who thought a good
+deal of herself. When she and her spouse married, they lived close to the
+manufactory, in a sweet little villa replete with every elegance and
+convenience--a pond, which they called a lake--laburnums without end; a
+yew, clipped into a dock-tailed waggon-horse; standing for three horses and
+gigs, with an acre and half of land for a cow.
+
+Old Puffington, however, being unable to keep those dearest documents of
+the British merchant, his balance-sheets, to himself, and Mrs. Puffington
+finding a considerable sum going to the 'good' every year, insisted, on the
+birth of their only child, our friend, upon migrating to the 'west,' as she
+called it, and at one bold stroke they established themselves in Heathcote
+Street, Mecklenburgh Square. Novelists had not then written this part down
+as 'Mesopotamia,' and it was quite as genteel as Harley or Wimpole Street
+are now. Their chief object then was to increase their wealth and make
+their only son 'a gentleman.' They sent him to Eton, and in due time to
+Christ Church, where, of course, he established a red coat to persecute Sir
+Thomas Mostyn's and the Duke of Beaufort's hounds, much to the annoyance of
+their respective huntsmen, Stephen Goodall and Philip Payne, and the
+aggravation of poor old Griff. Lloyd.
+
+What between the field and college, young Puffington made the acquaintance
+of several very dashing young sparks--Lord Firebrand, Lord Mudlark, Lord
+Deuceace, Sir Harry Blueun, and others, whom he always spoke of as
+'Deuceace,' 'Blueun,' etc., in the easy style that marks the perfect
+gentleman.[1] How proud the old people were of him! How they would sit
+listening to him, flashing, and telling how Deuceace and he floored a
+Charley, or Blueun and he pitched a snob out of the boxes into the pit.
+This was in the old Tom-and-Jerry days, when fisticuffs were the fashion.
+One evening, after he had indulged us with a more than usual dose, and was
+leaving the room to dress for an eight o'clock dinner at Long's, 'Buzzer!'
+exclaimed the old man, clutching our arm, as the tears started to his eyes,
+'Buzzer! that's an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar man!' And certainly, if
+a large acquaintance is a criterion of popularity, young Puffington, as he
+was then called, had his fair share. He once did us the honour--an honour
+we shall never forget--of walking down Bond Street with us, in the
+spring-tide of fashion, of a glorious summer's day, when you could not
+cross Conduit Street under a lapse of a quarter of an hour, and carriages
+seemed to have come to an interminable lock at the Piccadilly end of the
+street. In those days great people went about like great people, in
+handsome hammer-clothed, arms-emblazoned coaches, with plethoric
+three-corner-hatted coachmen, and gigantic, lace-bedizened,
+quivering-calved Johnnies, instead of rumbling along like apothecaries in
+pill-boxes, with a handle inside to let themselves out. Young men, too,
+dressed as if they were dressed--as if they were got up with some care and
+attention--instead of wearing the loose, careless, flowing, sack-like
+garments they do now.
+
+We remember the day as if it were but yesterday; Puffington overtook us in
+Oxford Street, where we were taking our usual sauntering stare into the
+shop windows, and instead of shirking or slipping behind our back, he
+actually ran his arm up to the hilt in ours, and turned us into the middle
+of the flags, with an 'Ah, Buzzer, old boy, what are you doing in this
+debauched part of the town? Come along with me, and I'll show you Life!'
+
+So saying he linked arms, and pursuing our course at a proper kill-time
+sort of pace, we were at length brought up at the end of Vere Street, along
+which there was a regular rush of carriages, cutting away as if they were
+going to a fire instead of to a finery shop.
+
+Many were the smiles, and bows, and nods, and finger kisses, and bright
+eyes, and sweet glances, that the fair flyers shot at our friend as they
+darted past. We were lost in astonishment at the sight. 'Verily,' said we,
+'but the old man was right. This _is_ an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar
+man.'
+
+Young Puffington was then in the heyday of youth, about one-and-twenty or
+so, fair-haired, fresh-complexioned, slim, and standing, with the aid of
+high-heeled boots, little under six feet high. He had taken after his
+mother, not after old Tom Trodgers, as they called his papa. At length we
+crossed over Oxford Street, and taking the shady side of Bond Street, were
+quickly among the real swells of the world--men who crawled along as if
+life was a perfect burden to them--men with eye-glasses fixed and tasselled
+canes in their hands, scarcely less ponderous than those borne by the
+footmen. Great Heavens! but they were tight, and smart, and shiny; and
+Puffington was just as tight, and smart, and shiny as any of them. He was
+as much in his element here as he appeared to be out of it in Oxford
+Street. It might be prejudice, or want of penetration on our part, but we
+thought he looked as high-bred as any of them. They all seemed to know each
+other, and the nodding, and winking, and jerking, began as soon as we got
+across. Puff kindly acted as cicerone, or we should not have been aware of
+the consequence we were encountering.
+
+'Well, Jemmy!' exclaimed a debauched-looking youth to our friend, 'how are
+you?--breakfasted yet?'
+
+'Going to,' replied Puffington, whom they called Jemmy because his name was
+Tommy.
+
+'That,' said he, in an undertone, 'is a _capital_ fellow--Lord Legbail,
+eldest son of the Marquis of Loosefish--will be Lord Loosefish. We were at
+the Finish together till six this morning--such fun!--bonneted a Charley,
+stole his rattle, and broke an early breakfast-man's stall all to shivers.'
+Just then up came a broad-brimmed hat, above a confused mass of greatcoats
+and coloured shawls.
+
+'Holloa, Jack!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, laying hold of a mother-of-pearl
+button nearly as large as a tart-plate, 'not off yet?'
+
+'Just going,' replied Jack, with a touch of his hat, as he rolled on,
+adding, 'want aught down the road?'
+
+'What coachman is that?' asked we.
+
+'_Coachman!_' replied Puff, with a snort. 'That's Jack Linchpin--Honourable
+Jack Linchpin--son of Lord Splinterbars--best gentleman coachman in
+England.'
+
+So Puffington sauntered along, good morninging 'Sir Harrys' and 'Sir
+Jameses,' and 'Lord Johns' and 'Lord Toms,' till, seeing a batch of
+irreproachable dandies flattening their noses against the windows of the
+Sailors' Old Club, in whose eyes, he perhaps thought, our city coat and
+country gaiters would not find much favour, he gave us a hasty parting
+squeeze of the arm and bolted into Long's just as a mountainous
+hackney-coach was rumbling between us and them.
+
+But to the old man. Time rolled on, and at length old Puffington paid the
+debt of nature--the only debt, by the way, that he was slow in
+discharging--and our friend found himself in possession, not only of the
+starch manufactory, but of a very great accumulation of consols--so great
+that, though starch is as inoffensive a thing as a man can well deal in, a
+thing that never obtrudes itself, or, indeed appears in a shop unless it is
+asked for--notwithstanding all this, and though it was bringing him in lots
+of money, our friend determined to 'cut the shop' and be done with trade
+altogether.
+
+Accordingly, he sold the premises and good-will, with all the stock of
+potatoes and wheat, to the foreman, old Soapsuds, at something below what
+they were really worth, rather than make any row in the way of advertising;
+and the name of 'Soapsuds, Brothers & Co.' reigns on the
+blue-and-whitey-brown parcel-ends, where formerly that of Puffington stood
+supreme.
+
+It is a melancholy fact, which those best acquainted with London society
+can vouch for, that her 'swells' are a very ephemeral race. Take the last
+five-and-twenty years--say from the days of the Golden Ball and Pea-green
+Hayne down to those of Molly C----l and Mr. D-l-f-ld--and see what a
+succession of joyous--no, not joyous, but rattling, careless, dashing,
+sixty-percenting youths we have had.
+
+And where are they all now? Some dead, some at Boulogne-sur-Mer, some in
+Denman Lodge, some perhaps undergoing the polite attentions of Mr.
+Commissioner Phillips, or figuring in Mr. Hemp's periodical publication of
+gentlemen 'who are wanted.'
+
+In speaking of 'swells,' of course we are not alluding to men with
+reference to their clothes alone, but to men whose dashing, and perhaps
+eccentric, exteriors are but indicative of their general system of
+extravagance. The man who rests his claims to distinction solely on his
+clothes will very soon find himself in want of society. Many things
+contribute to thin the ranks of our swells. Many, as we said before, outrun
+the constable. Some get fat, some get married, some get tired, and a few
+get wiser. There is, however, always a fine pushing crop coming on. A man
+like Puffington, who starts a dandy (in contradistinction to a swell), and
+adheres steadily to clothes--talking eternally of the cuts of coats or the
+ties of cravats--up to the sober age of forty, must be always falling back
+on the rising generation for society.
+
+Puffington was not what the old ladies call a profligate young man. On the
+contrary, he was naturally a nice, steady young man; and only indulged in
+the vagaries we have described because they were indulged in by the
+high-born and gay.
+
+Tom and Jerry had a great deal to answer for in the way of leading
+soft-headed young men astray; and old Puffington having had the misfortune
+to christen our friend 'Thomas,' of course his companions dubbed him
+'Corinthian Tom'; by which name he has been known ever since.
+
+A man of such undoubted wealth could not be otherwise than a great
+favourite with the fair, and innumerable were the invitations that poured
+into his chambers in the Albany--dinner parties, evening parties, balls,
+concerts, boxes for the opera; and as each succeeding season drew to a
+close, invitations to those last efforts of the desperate, boating and
+whitebait parties.
+
+Corinthian Tom went to them all--at least, to as many as he could
+manage--always dressing in the most exemplary way, as though he had been
+asked to show his fine clothes instead of to make love to the ladies.
+Manifold were the hopes and expectations that he raised. Puff could not
+understand that, though it is all very well to be 'an am_aa_zin' instance
+of a pop'lar man' with the men, that the same sort of thing does not do
+with the ladies.
+
+We have heard that there were six mammas, bowling about in their barouches,
+at the close of his second season, innuendoing, nodding, and hinting to
+their friends, 'that, &c.,' when there wasn't one of their daughters who
+had penetrated the rhinoceros-like hide of his own conceit. The consequence
+was that all these ladies, all their daughters, all the relations and
+connexions of this life, thought it incumbent upon them to 'blow' our
+friend Puff--proclaim how infamously he had behaved--all because he had
+danced three supper dances with one girl, brought another a fine bouquet
+from Covent Garden, walked a third away from her party at a picnic at
+Erith, begged the mamma of a fourth to take her to a Woolwich ball, sent a
+fifth a ticket for a Toxophilite meeting, and dangled about the carriage of
+the sixth at a review at the Scrubbs. Poor Puff never thought of being
+more than an am_aa_zin' instance of a pop'lar man!
+
+Not that the ladies' denunciations did the Corinthian any harm at
+first--old ladies know each other better than that; and each new mamma had
+no doubt but Mrs. Depecarde or Mrs. Mainchance, as the case might be, had
+been deceiving herself--'was always doing so, indeed; her ugly girls were
+not likely to attract any one--certainly not such an elegant man as
+Corinthian Tom.'
+
+But as season after season passed away, and the Corinthian still played the
+old game--still went the old rounds--the dinner and ball invitations
+gradually dwindled away, till he became a mere stop-gap at the one, and a
+landing-place appendage at the other.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUFFINGTON, FROM THE ORIGINAL PICTURE]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+THE MAN OF P-R-O-R-PERTY
+
+
+And now behold Mr. Puffington, fat, fair, and rather more than
+forty--Puffington, no longer the light limber lad who patronized us in Bond
+Street, but Puffington a plump, portly sort of personage, filling his smart
+clothes uncommonly full. Men no longer hailing him heartily from bay
+windows, or greeting him cheerily in short but familiar terms, but bowing
+ceremoniously as they passed with their wives, or perhaps turning down
+streets or into shops to avoid him. What is the last rose of summer to do
+under such circumstances? What, indeed, but retire into the country? A man
+may shine there long after he is voted a bore in town, provided none of his
+old friends are there to proclaim him. Country people are tolerant of
+twaddle, and slow of finding things out for themselves. Puff now turned his
+attention to the country, or rather to the advertisements of estates for
+sale, and immortal George Robins soon fitted him with one of his earthly
+paradises; a mansion replete with every modern elegance, luxury, and
+convenience, situated in the heart of the most lovely scenery in the world,
+with eight hundred acres of land of the finest quality, capable of growing
+forty bushels of wheat after turnips. In addition to the estate there was a
+lordship or reputed lordship to shoot over, a river to fish in, a pack of
+fox-hounds to hunt with, and the advertisements gave a sly hint as to the
+possibility of the property influencing the representation of the
+neighbouring borough of Swillingford, if not of returning the member
+itself.
+
+This was Hanby House, and though the description undoubtedly partook of
+George's usual high-flown _couleur-de-rose_ style, the manor being only a
+manor provided the owner sacrificed his interest in Swillingford by driving
+off its poachers, and the river being only a river when the tiny Swill was
+swollen into one, still Hanby House was a very nice attractive sort of
+place, and seen in the rich foliage of its summer dress, with all its roses
+and flowering shrubs in full blow, the description was not so wide of the
+mark as Robins's descriptions usually were. Puff bought it, and became what
+he called 'a man of p-r-o-r-perty.' To be sure, after he got possession he
+found that it was only an acre here and there that would grow forty bushels
+of wheat after turnips, and that there was a good deal more to do at the
+house than he expected, the furniture of the late occupants having hidden
+many defects, added to which they had walked off with almost everything
+they could wrench down, under the name of fixtures; indeed, there was not a
+peg to hang up his hat when he entered. This, however, was nothing, and
+Puff very soon made it into one of the most perfect bachelor residences
+that ever was seen. Not but that it was a family house, with good nurseries
+and offices of every description; but Puff used to take a sort of wicked
+pleasure in telling the ladies who came trooping over with their daughters,
+pretending they thought he was from home, and wishing to see the elegant
+furniture, that there was nothing in the nurseries, which he was going to
+convert into billiard and smoking-rooms. This, and a few similar sallies,
+earned our friend the reputation of a wit in the country.
+
+There was great rush of gentlemen to call upon him; many of the mammas
+seemed to think that first come would be first served, and sent their
+husbands over before he was fairly squatted. Various and contradictory were
+the accounts they brought home. Men are so stupid at seeing and remembering
+things. Old Mr. Muddle came back bemused with sherry, declaring that he
+thought Mr. Puffington was as old as he was (sixty-two), while Mrs.
+Mousetrap thought he wasn't more than thirty at the outside. She described
+him as 'painfully handsome.' Mr. Slowan couldn't tell whether the
+drawing-room furniture was chintz, or damask, or what it was; indeed, he
+wasn't sure that he was in the drawing-room at all; while Mr. Gapes
+insisted that the carpet was a Turkey carpet, whereas it was a royal cut
+pile. It might be that the smartness and freshness of everything confused
+the bucolic minds, little accustomed to wholesale grandeur.
+
+Mr. Puffington quite eclipsed all the old country families with their
+'company rooms' and put-away furniture. Then, when he began to grind about
+the country in his lofty mail-phaeton, with a pair of spanking,
+high-stepping bays, and a couple of arm-folded, lolling grooms, shedding
+his cards in return for their calls, there was such a talk, such a
+commotion, as had never been known before. Then, indeed, he was appreciated
+at his true worth.
+
+[Illustration: AN 'AMA-A-ZIN' POP'LAR' MAN]
+
+'Mr. Puffington was here the other day,' said Mrs. Smirk to Mrs. Smooth, in
+the well-known 'great-deal-more-meant-than-said' style. 'Oh such a charming
+man! Such ease! such manners! such knowledge of high life!' Puff had been
+at his old tricks. He had resuscitated Lord Legbail, now Earl of Loosefish;
+imported Sir Harry Blueun from somewhere near Geneva, whither he had
+retired on marrying his mistress; and resuscitated Lord Mudlark, who had
+broken his neck many years before from his tandem in Piccadilly. Whatever
+was said, Puff always had a duplicate or illustration involving a nobleman.
+The great names might be rather far-fetched at times, to be sure, but when
+people are inclined to be pleased they don't keep putting that and that
+together to see how they fit, and whether they come naturally or are lugged
+in neck and heels. Puff's talk was very telling.
+
+One great man to a house is the usual country allowance, and many are not
+very long in letting out who theirs are; but Puffington seemed to have the
+whole peerage, baronetage, and knightage at command. Old Mrs. Slyboots,
+indeed, thought that he must be connected with the peerage some way; his
+mother, perhaps, had been the daughter of a peer, and she gave herself an
+infinity of trouble in hunting through the 'matches'--with what success it
+is not necessary to say. The old ladies unanimously agreed that he was a
+most agreeable, interesting young man; and though the young ones did
+pretend to run him down among themselves, calling him ugly, and so on, it
+was only in the vain hope of dissuading each other from thinking of him.
+
+Mr. Puffington still stuck to the 'am_aa_zin' pop'lar man' character; a
+character that is not so convenient to support in the country as it is in
+town. The borough of Swillingford, as we have already intimated, was not
+the best conducted borough in the world; indeed, when we say that the
+principal trade of the place was poaching, our country readers will be able
+to form a very accurate opinion on that head. When Puff took possession of
+Hanby there was a fair show of pheasants about the house, and a good
+sprinkling of hares and partridges over the estate and manor generally; but
+refusing to prosecute the first poachers that were caught, the rest took
+the hint, and cleared everything off in a week, dividing the plunder among
+them. They also burnt his river and bagged his fine Dorking fowls, and all
+these feats being accomplished with impunity, they turned their attention
+to his fat sheep.
+
+'Poacher' is only a mild term for 'thief.'
+
+Puff was a perfect milch-cow in the way of generosity. He gave to
+everything and everybody, and did not seem to be acquainted with any
+smaller sum than a five-pound note; a five-pound note to replace Giles
+Jolter's cart-horse (that used to carry his own game for the poachers to
+the poulterers at Plunderstone)--five pounds to buy Dame Doubletongue
+another pig, though she had only just given three pounds for the one that
+died--five pounds towards the fire at farmer Scratchley's, though it had
+taken place two years before Puff came into the country, and Scratchley had
+been living upon it ever since--and sundry other five pounds to other
+equally deserving and amiable people. He put his name down for fifty to the
+Mangeysterne hounds without ever being asked; which reminds us that we
+ought to be directing our attention to that noble establishment.
+
+It is hard to have to go behind the scenes of an ill-supported hunt, and we
+will be as brief and tender with the cripples as we can. The Mangeysterne
+hounds wanted that great ingredient of prosperity, a large nest-egg
+subscriber, to whom all others could be tributary--paying or not as might
+be convenient. The consequence was they were always up the spout. They were
+neither a scratch pack nor a regular pack, but something betwixt and
+between. They were hunted by a saddler, who found his own horses, and
+sometimes he had a whip and sometimes he hadn't. The establishment died as
+often as old Mantalini himself. Every season that came to a close was
+proclaimed to be their last, but somehow or other they always managed to
+scramble into existence on the approach of another. It is a way, indeed,
+that delicate packs have of recruiting their finances. Nevertheless, the
+Mangeysternes did look very like coming to an end about the time that Mr.
+Puffington bought Hanby House. The saddler huntsman had failed; John Doe
+had taken one of his screws, and Richard Roe the other, and anybody might
+have the hounds that liked: Puffington then turned up.
+
+Great was the joy diffused throughout the Mangeysterne country when it
+transpired, through the medium of his valet, Louis Bergamotte, that 'his
+lor' had _beaucoup habit rouge_' in his wardrobe. Not only habit rouge, but
+habit blue and buff, that he used to sport with 'Old Beaufort' and the
+Badminton Hunt--coats that he certainly had no chance of ever getting into
+again, but still which he kept as memorials of the past--souvenirs of the
+days when he was young and slim. The bottle-conjurer could just as soon
+have got into his quart bottle as Puff could into the Beaufort coat at the
+time of which we are writing. The intelligence of their existence was
+quickly followed by the aforesaid fifty-pound cheque. A meeting of the
+Mangeysterne hunt was called at the sign of the Thirsty Freeman in
+Swillingford--Sir Charles Figgs, Knight--a large-promising but badly paying
+subscriber--in the chair, when it was proposed and carried unanimously that
+Mr. Puffington was eminently qualified for the mastership of the hunt, and
+that it be offered to him accordingly. Puff 'bit.' He recalled his early
+exploits with 'Mostyn and old Beaufort,' and resolved that the hunt had
+taken a right view of his abilities. In coming to this decision he,
+perhaps, was not altogether uninfluenced by a plausible subscription list,
+which seemed about equal to the ordinary expenses, supposing that any
+reliance could be placed on the figures and calculations of Sir Charles.
+All those, however, who have had anything to do with subscription
+lists--and in these days of universal testimonializing who has not?--well
+know that pounds upon paper and pounds in the pocket are very different
+things. Above all Puff felt that he was a new man in the country, and that
+taking the hounds would give him weight.
+
+The 'Mangeysterne dogs' then began to 'look up'; Mr. Puffington took to
+them in earnest; bought a 'Beckford,' and shortened his military stirrups
+to a hunting seat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+A SWELL HUNTSMAN
+
+
+One evening the rattle of Puff's pole-chains brought, in addition to the
+usual rush of shirt-sleeved helpers, an extremely smart, dapper little man,
+who might be either a jockey or a gentleman, or both, or neither. He was a
+clean-shaved, close-trimmed, spruce little fellow; remarkably natty about
+the legs--indeed, all over. His close-napped hat was carefully brushed, and
+what little hair appeared below its slightly curved brim was of the
+pepper-and-salt mixture of--say, fifty years. His face, though somewhat
+wrinkled and weather-beaten, was bright and healthy; and there was a
+twinkle about his little grey eyes that spoke of quickness and watchful
+observation. Altogether, he was a very quick-looking little man--a sort of
+man that would know what you were going to say before you had well broke
+ground. He wore no gills; and his neatly tied starcher had a white ground
+with small black spots, about the size of currants. The slight interregnum
+between it and his step-collared striped vest (blue stripe on a
+canary-coloured ground) showed three golden foxes' heads, acting as studs
+to his well-washed, neatly plaited shirt; while a sort of careless turn
+back of the right cuff showed similar ornaments at his wrists. His
+single-breasted, cutaway coat was Oxford mixture, with a thin cord binding,
+and very natty light kerseymere mother-o'-pearl buttoned breeches, met a
+pair of bright, beautifully fitting, rose-tinted tops, that wrinkled most
+elegantly down to the Jersey-patterned spur. He was a remarkably well got
+up little man, and looked the horseman all over.
+
+As he emerged from the stable, where he had been mastering the ins and outs
+of the establishment, learning what was allowed and what was not, what had
+not been found fault with and, therefore, might be presumed upon, and so
+on, he carried the smart dogskin leather glove of one hand in the other,
+while the fox's head of a massive silver-mounted jockey-whip peered from
+under his arm. On a ring round the fox's neck was the following
+inscription: 'FROM JACK BRAGG TO HIS COUSIN DICK.'
+
+Mr. Puffington having drawn up his mail-phaeton, and thrown the ribbons to
+the active grooms at the horses' heads in the true coaching style,
+proceeded to descend from his throne, and had reached the ground ere he was
+aware of the presence of a stranger. Seeing him then, he made the sort of
+half-obeisance of a man that does not know whether he is addressing a
+gentleman or a servant, or, maybe, a scamp, going about with a prospectus.
+Puff had been bit in the matter of some maps in London, and was wary, as
+all people ought to be, of these birds.
+
+The stranger came sidling up with a half-bow, half-touch of the hat,
+drawling out:
+
+''Sceuuse me, sir--'sceuuse me, sir,' with another half-bow and another
+half-touch of the hat. 'I'm Mister Bragg, sir--Mister Richard Bragg, sir;
+of whom you have most likely heard.'
+
+'Bragg--Richard Bragg,' repeated our friend, thoughtfully, while he scanned
+the man's features, and ran his sporting acquaintance through his mind's
+eye.
+
+'Bragg, Bragg,' repeated he, without hitting him off.
+
+'I was huntsman, sir, to my Lord Reynard, sir,' observed the stranger, with
+a touch of the hat to each 'sir.' 'Thought p'r'aps you might have known his
+ludship, sir. Before him, sir, I held office, sir, under the Duke of
+Downeybird, sir, of Downeybird Castle, sir, in Downeybirdshire, sir.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington, with a half-bow and a smile of
+politeness.
+
+'Hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne _dogs_, sir,' continued the
+stranger, with rather a significant emphasis on the word
+'_dogs_'--'hearing, sir, you had taken these Mangeysterne _dogs_, sir, it
+occurred to me that possibly I might be useful to you, sir, in your new
+calling, sir; and if you were of the same opinion, sir, why, sir, I should
+be glad to negotiate a connexion, sir.'
+
+'Hem!--hem!--hem!' coughed Mr. Puffington. 'In the way of a huntsman do you
+mean?' afraid to talk of servitude to so fine a gentleman.
+
+'Just so,' said Mr. Bragg, with a chuck of his head, 'just so. The fact is,
+though I'm used to the grass countries, sir, and could go to the Marquis of
+Maneylies, sir, to-morrow, sir, I should prefer a quiet place in a somewhat
+inferior country, sir, to a five-days-a-week one in the best. Five and six
+days a week, sir, is a terrible tax, sir, on the constitution, sir; and
+though, sir, I'm thankful to say, sir, I've pretty good 'ealth, sir, yet,
+sir, you know, sir, it don't do, sir, to take too great liberties with
+oneself, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, measuring off
+a touch, as it were, to each 'sir,' the action becoming quick towards the
+end.
+
+'Why, to tell you the truth,' said Puff, looking rather sheepish, 'to tell
+you the truth--I intended--I thought at least of--of--of--hunting them
+myself.'
+
+'Ah! that's another pair of shoes altogether, as we say in France,' replied
+Bragg, with a low bow and a copious round of the hand to the hat. 'That's
+_another_ pair of shoes altogether,' repeated he, tapping his boot with his
+whip.
+
+'Why, I _thought_ of it,' rejoined Puff, not feeling quite sure whether he
+could or not.
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Bragg, drawing on his dogskin glove as if to be off.
+
+'My friend Swellcove does it,' observed Puff.
+
+'True,' replied Bragg, 'true; but my Lord Swellcove is one of a thousand.
+See how many have failed for one that has succeeded. Why, even my Lord
+Scamperdale was 'bliged to give it up, and no man rides harder than my Lord
+Scamperdale--always goes as if he had a spare neck in his pocket. But he
+couldn't 'unt a pack of 'ounds. Your gen'l'men 'untsmen are all very well
+on fine scentin' days when everything goes smoothly and well, and the
+'ounds are tied to their fox, as it were; but see them in difficulties--a
+failing scent, 'ounds pressed upon by the field, fox chased by a dog, storm
+in the air, big brook to get over to make a cast. Oh, sir, sir, it makes
+even me, with all my acknowledged science and experience, shudder to think
+of the ordeal one undergoes!'
+
+'Indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, staring, and beginning to think it
+mightn't be quite so easy as it looked.
+
+'I don't wish, sir, to dissuade you, sir, from the attempt, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg; 'far from it, sir--for he, sir, who never makes an effort, sir,
+never risks a failure, sir, and in great attempts, sir, 'tis glorious to
+fail, sir'; Mr. Bragg sawing away at his hat as he spoke, and then sticking
+the fox-head handle of his whip under his chin.
+
+Puff stood mute for some seconds.
+
+'My Lord Scamperdale,' continued Mr. Bragg, scrutinizing our friend
+attentively, 'was as likely a man, sir, as ever I see'd, sir, to make an
+'untsman, for he had a deal of ret (rat) ketchin' cunnin' about him, and,
+as I said before, didn't care one dim for his neck, but a more signal
+disastrous failure was never recognized. It was quite lamentable to witness
+his proceeding.'
+
+'How?' asked Mr. Puffington.
+
+'How, sir?' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'why, sir, in all wayses. He had no dog
+language, to begin with--he had little idea of making a cast--no science,
+no judgement, no manner--no nothin'--I'm dim'd if ever I see'd sich a mess
+as he made.'
+
+Puff looked unutterable things.
+
+'He never did no good, in fact, till I fit him with Frostyface. _I_ taught
+Frosty,' continued Mr. Bragg. 'He whipped in to me when I 'unted the Duke
+of Downeybird's 'ounds--nice, 'cute, civil chap he was--of all my
+pupils--and I've made some first-rate 'untsmen, I'm dim'd if I don't think
+Frostyface does me about as much credit as any on 'em. Ah, sir,' continued
+Mr. Bragg, with a shake of his head, 'take my word for it, sir, there's
+nothin' like a professional. S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir,' added he, with a low bow
+and a sort of military salute of his hat; 'but dim all gen'l'men 'untsmen,
+say I.'
+
+Mr. Bragg had talked himself into several good places. Lord Reynard's and
+the Duke of Downeybird's among others. He had never been able to keep any
+beyond his third season, his sauce or his science being always greater than
+the sport he showed. Still he kept up appearances, and was nothing daunted,
+it being a maxim of his that 'as one door closed another opened.'
+
+Mr. Puffington's was the door that now opened for him.
+
+What greater humiliation can a free-born Briton be subjected to than paying
+a man eighty or a hundred pounds a year, and finding him house, coals, and
+candles, and perhaps a cow, to be his master?
+
+Such was the case with poor Mr. Puffington, and such, we grieve to say, is
+the case with nine-tenths of the men who keep hounds; with all, indeed,
+save those who can hunt themselves, or who are blest with an aspiring whip,
+ready to step into the huntsman's boots if he seems inclined to put them
+off in the field. How many portly butlers are kept in subjection by having
+a footman ready to supplant them. Of all cards in the servitude pack,
+however, the huntsman's is the most difficult one to play. A man may say,
+'I'm dim'd if I won't clean my own boots or my own horse, before I'll put
+up with such a fellow's impudence'; but when it comes to hunting his own
+hounds, it is quite another pair of shoes, as Mr. Bragg would say.
+
+Mr. Bragg regularly took possession of poor Puff; as regularly as a
+policeman takes possession of a prisoner. The reader knows the sort of
+feeling one has when a lawyer, a doctor, an architect, or any one whom we
+have called in to assist, takes the initiative, and treats one as a
+nonentity, pooh-poohing all one's pet ideas, and upsetting all one's
+well-considered arrangements.
+
+Bragg soon saw he had a greenhorn to deal with, and treated Puff
+accordingly. If a 'perfect servant' is only to be got out of the
+establishments of the great, Mr. Bragg might be looked upon as a paragon of
+perfection, and now combined in his own person all the bad practices of all
+the places he had been in. Having 'accepted Mr. Puffington's situation,' as
+the elegant phraseology of servitude goes, he considered that Mr.
+Puffington had nothing more to do with the hounds, and that any
+interference in 'his department' was a piece of impertinence. Puffington
+felt like a man who has bought a good horse, but which he finds on riding
+is rather more of a horse than he likes. He had no doubt that Bragg was a
+good man, but he thought he was rather more of a gentleman than he
+required. On the other hand, Mr. Bragg's opinion of his master may be
+gleaned from the following letter which he wrote to his successor, Mr.
+Brick, at Lord Reynard's:
+
+    'HANBY HOUSE, SWILLINGFORD.
+
+    'DEAR BRICK,
+
+'If your old man is done daffling with your draft, I should like to have
+the pick of it. I'm with one Mr. Puffington, a city gent. His father was a
+great confectioner in the Poultry, just by the Mansion House, and made his
+money out of Lord Mares. I shall only stay with him till I can get myself
+suited in the rank of life in which I have been accustomed to move; but in
+the meantime I consider it necessary for my own credit to do things as they
+should be. You know my sort of hound; good shoulders, deep chests, strong
+loins, straight legs, round feet, with plenty of bone all over. I hate a
+weedy animal; a small hound, light of bone, is only fit to hunt a kat in a
+kitchen.
+
+'I shall also want a couple of whips--not fellows like waiters from
+_Crawley's_ hotel, but light, active _men_, not boys. I'll have nothin' to
+do with boys; every boy requires a man to look arter him. No; a couple of
+short, light, active men--say from five-and-twenty to thirty, with bow-legs
+and good cheery voices, as nearly of the same make as you can find them. I
+shall not give them large wage, you know; but they will have opportunities
+of improving themselves under me, and qualifying themselves for high
+places. But mind, they _must be steady_--I'll keep no unsteady servants;
+the first act of drunkenness, with me, is the last.
+
+'I shall also want a second horseman; and here I wouldn't mind a mute boy
+who could keep his elbows down and never touch the curb; but he must be
+bred in the line; a huntsman's second horseman is a critical article, and
+the sporting world must not be put in mourning for Dick Bragg. The lad will
+have to clean my boots, and wait at table when I have company--yourself,
+for instance.
+
+'This is only a poor, rough, ungentlemanly sort of shire, as far as I have
+seen it; and however they got on with the things I found that they called
+hounds I can't for the life of me imagine. I understand they went stringing
+over the country like a flock of wild geese. However, I have rectified that
+in a manner by knocking all the fast 'uns and slow 'uns on the head; and I
+shall require at least twenty couple before I can take the field. In your
+official report of what your old file puts back, you'll have the kindness
+to cobble us up good long pedigrees, and carry half of them at least back
+to the Beaufort Justice. My man has got a crochet into his head about that
+hound, and I'm dimmed if he doesn't think half the hounds in England are
+descended from the Beaufort Justice. These hounds are at present called the
+Mangeysternes, a very proper title, I should say, from all I've seen and
+heard. That, however, must be changed; and we must have a button struck,
+instead of the plain pewter plates the men have been in the habit of
+hunting in.
+
+'As to horses, I'm sure I don't know what we are to do in that line. Our
+pastrycook seems to think that a hunter, like one of his pa's pies, can be
+made and baked in a day. He talks of going over to Rowdedow Fair, and
+picking some up himself; but I should say a gentleman demeans himself sadly
+who interferes with the just prerogative of the groom. It has never been
+allowed I know in any place I have lived; nor do I think servants do
+justice to themselves or their order who submit to it. Howsomever the
+crittur has what Mr. Cobden would call the "raw material" for sport--that
+is to say, plenty of money--and I must see and apply it in such a way as
+will produce it. I'll do the thing as it should be, or not at all.
+
+'I hope your good lady is well--also all the little Bricks. I purpose
+making a little tower of some of the best kennels as soon as the drafts are
+arranged, and will spend a day or two with you, and see how you get on
+without me. Dear Brick,
+
+    'Yours to the far end,
+
+    'RICHARD BRAGG.
+
+    'To BENJAMIN BRICK, Esq.,
+
+    'Huntsman to the Right Hon. the Earl of Reynard,
+
+    'Turkeypout Park.
+
+    'P.S.--I hope your old man keeps a cleaner tongue in
+    his head than he did when I was premier. I always say
+    there was a good bargeman spoiled when they made him
+    a lord.
+
+    'R.B.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+THE BEAUFORT JUSTICE
+
+
+There is nothing more indicative of real fine people than the easy
+indifferent sort of way they take leave of their friends. They never seem
+to care a farthing for parting.
+
+Our friend Jawleyford was quite a man of fashion in this respect. He saw
+Sponge's preparations for departure with an unconcerned air, and a--'sorry
+you're going,' was all that accompanied an imitation shake, or rather touch
+of the hand, on leaving. There was no 'I hope we shall see you again soon,'
+or 'Pray look in if you are passing our way,' or 'Now that you've found
+your way here we hope you'll not be long in being back,' or any of those
+blarneyments that fools take for earnest and wise men for nothing.
+Jawleyford had been bit once, and he was not going to give Mr. Sponge a
+second chance. Amelia too, we are sorry to say, did not seem particularly
+distressed, though she gave him just as much of a sweet look as he squeezed
+her hand, as said, 'Now, if you _should_ be a man of money, and my Lord
+Scamperdale does not make me my lady, you may,' &c.
+
+There is an old saying, that it is well to be 'off with the old love before
+one is on with the new,' and Amelia thought it was well to be on with the
+new love before she was off with the old. Sponge, therefore, was to be in
+abeyance.
+
+We mentioned the delight infused into Jawleyford Court by the receipt of
+Lord Scamperdale's letter, volunteering a visit, nor was his lordship less
+gratified at hearing in reply that Mr. Sponge was on the eve of departure,
+leaving the coast clear for his reception. His lordship was not only
+delighted at getting rid of his horror, but at proving the superiority of
+his judgement over that of Jack, who had always stoutly maintained that the
+only way to get rid of Mr. Sponge was by buying his horses.
+
+'Well, that's _good_,' said his lordship, as he read the letter; 'that's
+_good_,' repeated he, with a hearty slap of his thigh. 'Jaw's not such a
+bad chap after all; worse chaps in the world than Jaw.' And his lordship
+worked away at the point till he very nearly got him up to be a good chap.
+
+They say it never rains but it pours, and letters seldom come singly; at
+least, if they do they are quickly followed by others.
+
+As Jack and his lordship were discussing their gin, after a repast of
+cow-heel and batter-pudding, Baggs entered with the old brown
+weather-bleached letter-bag, containing a county paper, the second-hand
+copy of _Bell's Life_, that his lordship and Frostyface took in between
+them, and a very natty 'thick cream-laid' paper note.
+
+'That must be from a woman,' observed Jack, squinting ardently at the
+writing, as his lordship inspected the fine seal.
+
+'Not far wrong,' replied his lordship. 'From a bitch of a fellow, at all
+events,' said he, reading the words 'Hanby House' in the wax.
+
+'What can old Puffey be wanting now?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Some bother about hounds, most likely,' replied his lordship, breaking the
+seal, adding, 'the thing's always amusing itself with playing at sportsman.
+Hang his impudence!' exclaimed his lordship, as he opened the note.
+
+'What's happened now?' asked Jack.
+
+'How d'ye think he begins?' asked his lordship, looking at his friend.
+
+'Can't tell, I'm sure,' said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.
+
+'Dear Scamp!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing out his arms.
+
+'Dear Scamp!' repeated Jack in astonishment. 'It must be a mistake. It must
+be dear Frost, not dear Scamp.'
+
+'Dear Scamp is the word,' replied his lordship, again applying himself to
+the letter. 'Dear Scamp,' repeated he, with a snort, adding, 'the impudent
+button-maker! I'll dear Scamp him! "Dear Scamp, our friend Sponge!" Bo-o-y
+the powers, just fancy that! 'exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself back
+in his chair, as if thoroughly overcome with disgust. '_Our friend Sponge!_
+the man who nearly knocked me into the middle of the week after next--the
+man who, first and last, has broken every bone in my skin--the man who I
+hate the sight of, and detest afresh every time I see--the 'bomination of
+all 'bominations; and then to call him our friend Sponge! "Our friend
+Sponge,"' continued his lordship, reading, '"is coming on a visit of
+inspection to my hounds, and I should be glad if you would meet him."'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'_Meet him!_' snapped his lordship; 'I'd go ten miles to avoid him.'
+
+'"Glad if you would meet him,"' repeated his lordship, returning to the
+letter, and reading as follows: '"If you bring a couple of nags or so we
+can put them up, and you may get a wrinkle or two from Bragg." A wrinkle or
+two from Bragg! 'exclaimed his lordship, dropping the letter and rolling in
+his chair with laughter. 'A wrinkle or two from Bragg!--he--he--he--he! The
+idea of a wrinkle or two from Bragg!--haw--haw--haw--haw!
+
+'That beats cockfightin',' observed Jack, squinting frightfully.
+
+'Doesn't it?' replied his lordship. 'The man who's so brimful of science
+that he doesn't kill above three brace of foxes in a season.'
+
+'Which Puff calls thirty,' observed Jack.
+
+'Th-i-r-ty!' exclaimed his lordship, adding, 'I'll lay he'll not kill
+thirty in ten years.'
+
+His lordship then picked the letter from the floor, and resumed where he
+had left off.
+
+'"I expect you will meet Tom Washball, Lumpleg, and Charley Slapp."'
+
+'A very pretty party,' observed Jack, adding, 'Wouldn't be seen goin' to a
+bull-bait with any on 'em.'
+
+'Nor I,' replied his lordship.
+
+'Birds of a feather,' observed Jack.
+
+'Just so,' said his lordship, resuming his reading.
+
+'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--" The devil you have!'
+exclaimed his lordship, grinding his teeth with disgust. 'Useful to _me_,
+you confounded haberdasher!--you hav'n't a hound in your pack that I'd
+take. "I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--"' repeated his
+lordship.
+
+'A Beaufort Justice one, for a guinea!' interrupted Jack, adding, 'He got
+the name into his head at Oxford, and has been harping upon it ever since.'
+
+'"I think I have a hound that may be useful to you--"' resumed his
+lordship, for the third time. '"It is Old Merriman, a remarkably stout,
+true line hunting hound; but who is getting slow for me--" Slow for you,
+you beggar!' exclaimed his lordship; 'I should have thought nothin' short
+of a wooden 'un would have been too slow for you. "He's a six-season
+hunter, and is by Fitzwilliam's Singwell out of his Darling. Singwell was
+by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock's Rhapsody. Rallywood was by Old
+Lonsdale's--" Old Lonsdale's!--the snob!' sneered Lord Scamperdale--'"Old
+Lonsdale's Palafox, out of Anson's--" Anson's!--curse the fellow,' again
+muttered his lordship--'"out of Anson's Madrigal. Darling was by old
+Grafton's Bolivar, out of Blowzy. Bolivar was by the Brocklesby; that's
+Yarborough's--" That's Yarborough's!' sneered his lordship, 'as if one
+didn't know that as well as him--"by the Brocklesby; that's Yarborough's
+Marmion out of Petre's Matchless; and Marmion was by that undeniable hound,
+the--" the--what?' asked his lordship.
+
+'Beaufort Justice, to be sure!' replied Jack.
+
+'"The Beaufort Justice!"' read his lordship, with due emphasis.
+
+'Hurrah!' exclaimed Jack, waving the dirty, egg-stained, mustardy copy of
+_Bell's Life_ over his head. 'Hurrah! I told you so.'
+
+'But hark to Justice!' exclaimed his lordship, resuming his reading. '"I've
+always been a great admirer of the Beaufort Justice blood--"'
+
+'No doubt,' said Jack; 'it's the only blood you know.'
+
+'"It was in great repute in the Badminton country in old Beaufort's time,
+with whom I hunted a great deal many years ago, I'm sorry to say. The late
+Mr. Warde, who, of course, was very justly partial to his own sort, had
+never any objection to breeding from this _Beaufort_ Justice. He was of
+Lord Egremont's blood, by the New Forest Justice; Justice by Mr. Gilbert's
+Jasper; and Jasper bred by Egremont--" Oh, the hosier!' exclaimed his
+lordship; 'he'll be the death of me.'
+
+'Is that all?' asked Jack, as his lordship seemed lost in meditation.
+
+'All?--no!' replied he, starting up, adding, 'here's something about you.'
+
+'Me!' exclaimed Jack.
+
+'"If Mr. Spraggon is with you, and you like to bring him, I can manage to
+put him up too,"' read his lordship. 'What think you of that?' asked his
+lordship, turning to our friend, who was now squinting his eyes inside out
+with anger.
+
+'Think of it!' retorted Jack, kicking out his legs--'think of it!--why, I
+think he's a dim'd impittant feller, as Bragg would say.'
+
+'So he is,' replied his lordship; 'treating my friend Jack so.'
+
+'I've a good mind to go,' observed Jack, after a pause, thinking he might
+punish Puff, and try to do a little business with Sponge. 'I've a good mind
+to go,' repeated he; 'just by way of paying Master Puff off. He's a
+consequential jackass, and wants taking down a peg or two.'
+
+'I think you may as well go and do it,' replied his lordship, after
+thinking the matter over; 'I think you may as well go and do it. Not that
+he'll be good to take the conceit out of, but you may vex him a bit; and
+also learn something of the movements of his friend Sponge. If he sarves
+Puff out as he's sarved me,' continued his lordship, rubbing his ribs with
+his elbows, 'he'll very soon have enough of him.'
+
+'Well,' said Jack, 'I really think it will be worth doing. I've never been
+at the beggar's shop, and they say he lives well.'
+
+'_Well_, aye!' exclaimed his lordship; 'fat o' the land--dare say that man
+has fish and soup every day.'
+
+'And wax-candles to read by, most likely,' observed Jack, squinting at the
+dim mutton-fats that Baggs now brought in.
+
+'Not so grand as that,' observed his lordship, doubting whether any man
+could be guilty of such extravagance; 'composites, p'raps.'
+
+It being decided that Jack should answer Mr. Puffington's invitation as
+well and saucily as he could, and a sheet of very inferior paper being at
+length discovered in the sideboard drawer, our friends forthwith proceeded
+to concoct it. Jack having at length got all square, and the black-ink
+lines introduced below, dipped his pen in the little stone ink-bottle, and,
+squinting up at his lordship, said:
+
+'How shall I begin?'
+
+'Begin?' replied he. 'Begin--oh, let's see--begin--begin, "Dear Puff," to
+be sure.'
+
+'That'll do,' said Jack, writing away.
+
+('Dear Puff!' sneered our friend, when he read it; 'the idea of a fellow
+like that writing to a man of my p-r-o-r-perty that way.')
+
+'Say "Scamp,"' continued his lordship, dictating again, '"is engaged, but
+I'll be with you at feeding-time."'
+
+('Scamp's engaged,' read Puffington, with a contemptuous curl of the lip,
+'Scamp's engaged: I like the impudence of a fellow like that calling
+noblemen nicknames.')
+
+The letter concluded by advising Puffington to stick to the Beaufort
+Justice blood, for there was nothing in the world like it. And now, having
+got both our friends booked for visits, we must yield precedence to the
+nobleman, and accompany him to Jawleyford Court.
+
+[Illustration: LORD SCAMPERDALE AS HE APPEARED IN HIS 'SWELL' CLOTHES]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+LORD SCAMPERDALE AT JAWLEYFORD COURT
+
+
+Although we have hitherto depicted Lord Scamperdale either in his great
+uncouth hunting-clothes or in the flare-up red and yellow Stunner tartan,
+it must not be supposed that he had not fine clothes when he chose to wear
+them, only he wanted to save them, as he said, to be married in. That he
+had fine ones, indeed, was evident from the rig-out he lent Jack when that
+worthy went to Jawleyford Court, and, in addition to those which were of
+the evening order, he had an uncommonly smart Stultz frock-coat, with a
+velvet collar, facings, and cuffs, and a silk lining. Though so rough and
+ready among the men, he was quite the dandy among the ladies, and was as
+anxious about his appearance as a girl of sixteen. He got himself clipped
+and trimmed, and shaved with the greatest care, curving his whiskers high
+on to the cheekbones, leaving a great breadth of bare fallow below.
+
+Baggs the butler was despatched betimes to Jawleyford Court with the
+dog-cart freighted with clothes, driven by a groom to attend to the horses,
+while his lordship mounted his galloping grey hack towards noon, and dashed
+through the country like a comet. The people, who were only accustomed to
+see him in his short, country-cut hunting-coats, baggy breeches, and
+shapeless boots, could hardly recognize the frock-coated, fancy-vested,
+military-trousered swell, as Lord Scamperdale. Even Titus Grabbington, the
+superintendent of police, declared that he wouldn't have known him but for
+his hat and specs. The latter, we need hardly say, were the silver
+ones--the pair that he would not let Jack have when he went to Jawleyford
+Court. So his lordship went capering and careering along, avoiding, of
+course, all the turnpike-gates, of which he had a mortal aversion.
+
+Jawleyford Court was in full dress to receive him--everything was full fig.
+Spigot appeared in buckled shorts and black silk stockings; while vases of
+evergreens and winter flowers mounted sentry on passage tables and
+landing-places. Everything bespoke the elegant presence of the fair.
+
+To the credit of Dame Fortune let us record that everything went smoothly
+and well. Even the kitchen fire behaved as it ought. Neither did Lord
+Scamperdale arrive before he was wanted, a very common custom with people
+unused to public visiting. He cast up just when he was wanted. His ring of
+the door-bell acted like the little tinkling bell at a theatre, sending all
+parties to their places, for the curtain to rise.
+
+Spigot and his two footmen answered the summons, while his lordship's groom
+rushed out of a side-door, with his mouth full of cold meat, to take his
+hack.
+
+Having given his flat hat to Spigot, his whip-stick to one footman, and his
+gloves to the other, he proceeded to the family tableau in the
+drawing-room.
+
+Though his lordship lived so much by himself he was neither _gauche_ nor
+stupid when he went into society. Unlike Mr. Spraggon, he had a tremendous
+determination of words to the mouth, and went best pace with his tongue
+instead of coughing and hemming, and stammering and stuttering--wishing
+himself 'well out of it,' as the saying is. His seclusion only seemed to
+sharpen his faculties and make him enjoy society more. He gushed forth like
+a pent-up fountain. He was not a bit afraid of the ladies--rather the
+contrary; indeed, he would make love to them all--all that were
+good-looking, at least, for he always candidly said that he 'wouldn't have
+anything to do with the ugly 'uns.' If anything, he was rather too
+vehement, and talked to the ladies in such an earnest, interested sort of
+way, as made even bystanders think there was 'something in it,' whereas, in
+point of fact, it was mere manner.
+
+He began as soon as ever he got to Jawleyford Court--at least, as soon as
+he had paid his respects all round and got himself partially thawed at the
+fire; for the cold had struck through his person, his fine clothes being a
+poor substitute for his thick double-milled red coat, blankety waistcoat,
+and Jersey shirt.
+
+There are some good-natured, well-meaning people in this world who think
+that fox-hunters can talk of nothing but hunting, and who put themselves to
+very serious inconvenience in endeavouring to get up a little conversation
+for them. We knew a bulky old boy of this sort, who invariably, after the
+cloth was drawn, and he had given each leg a kick out to see if they were
+on, commenced with, 'Well, I suppose, Mr. Harkington has a fine set of dogs
+this season?' 'A fine set of dogs this season! 'What an observation! How on
+earth could any one hope to drive a conversation on the subject with such a
+commencement?
+
+Some ladies are equally obliging in this respect. They can stoop to almost
+any subject that they think will procure them husbands. Music!--if a man is
+fond of music, they will sing themselves into his good graces in no time.
+Painting!--oh, they adore painting--though in general they don't profess to
+be great hands at it themselves. Balls, boating, archery, racing--all these
+they can take a lively interest in; or, if occasion requires, can go on
+the serious tack and hunt a parson with penny subscriptions for a
+clothing-club or soup-kitchen.
+
+Fox-hunting!--we do not know that fox-hunting is so safe a speculation for
+young ladies as any of the foregoing. There are many pros and cons in the
+matter of the chase. A man may think--especially in these hard times, with
+'wheat below forty,' as Mr. Springwheat would say--that it will be as much
+as he can do to mount himself. Again, he may not think a lady looks any
+better for running down with perspiration, and being daubed with mud. Above
+all, if he belongs to the worshipful company of Craners, he may not like
+for his wife to be seen beating him across country.
+
+Still, there are many ways that young ladies may insinuate themselves into
+the good graces of sportsmen without following them into the hunting-field.
+Talking about their horses, above all admiring them, taking an interest in
+their sport, seeing that they have nice papers of sandwiches to take out
+with them, or recommending them to be bled when they come home with dirty
+faces after falls.
+
+Miss Amelia Jawleyford, who was most elegantly attired in a sea-green silk
+dress with large imitation pearl buttons, claiming the usual privilege of
+seniority of birth, very soon led the charge against Lord Scamperdale.
+
+'Oh, what a lovely horse that is you were riding,' observed she, as his
+lordship kept stooping with both his little red fists close into the bars
+of the grate.
+
+'Isn't it!' exclaimed he, rubbing his hands heartily together. 'Isn't it!'
+repeated he, adding, 'that's what I call a clipper.'
+
+'Why do you call it so?' asked she.
+
+'Oh, I don't mean that clipper is its name,' replied he; 'indeed, we call
+her Cherry Bounce in the stable--but she's what they call a clipper--a good
+'un to go, you know,' continued he, staring at the fair speaker through his
+great, formidable spectacles.
+
+We believe there is nothing frightens a woman so much as staring at her
+through spectacles. A barrister in barnacles is a far more formidable
+cross-examiner than one without. But, to his lordship's back.
+
+'Will he eat bread out of your hand?' asked Amelia, adding, 'I _should_ so
+like a horse that would eat bread out of my hand.'
+
+'Oh yes; or cheese either,' replied his lordship, who was a bit of a wag,
+and as likely to try a horse with one as the other.
+
+'Oh, how delightful! what a charming horse!' exclaimed Amelia, turning her
+fine eyes up to the ceiling.
+
+'Are you fond of horses?' asked his lordship, smacking one hand against the
+other, making a noise like the report of a pistol.
+
+'Oh, so fond!' exclaimed Amelia, with a start; for she hadn't got through
+her favourite, and, as she thought, most attractive attitude.
+
+'Well, now, that's nice,' said his lordship, giving his other hand a
+similar bang, adding, 'I like a woman that's fond of horses.'
+
+'Then 'Melia and you'll 'gree nicely,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, who was
+always ready to give a helping hand to her own daughters, at least.
+
+'I don't doubt it!' replied his lordship, with emphasis, and a third bang
+of his hand, louder if possible than before. 'And do _you_ like horses?'
+asked his lordship, darting sharply round on Emily, who had been yielding,
+or rather submitting, to the precedence of her sister.
+
+'Oh yes; and hounds, too!' replied she eagerly.
+
+'And hounds, too!' exclaimed his lordship, with a start, and another hearty
+bang of the fist, adding, 'well, now, I like a woman that likes hounds.'
+
+Amelia frowned at the unhandsome march her sister had stolen upon her. Just
+then in came Jawleyford, much to the annoyance of all parties. A host
+should never show before the dressing-bell rings.
+
+When that glad sound was at length heard, the ladies, as usual, immediately
+withdrew; and of course the first thing Amelia did when she got to her room
+was to run to the glass to see how she had been looking: when, grievous to
+relate, she found an angry hot spot in the act of breaking out on her nose.
+
+What a distressing situation for a young lady, especially one with a
+spectacled suitor. 'Oh, dear!' she thought, as she eyed it in the glass,
+'it will look like Vesuvius itself through his formidable inquisitors.'
+Worst of all, it was on the side she would have next him at dinner, should
+he choose to sit with his back to the fire. However, there was no help for
+it, and the maid kindly assuring her, as she worked away at her hair, that
+it 'would never be seen,' she ceased to watch it, and turned her attention
+to her toilette. The fine, new broad-lace flounced, light-blue satin
+dress--a dress so much like a ball dress as to be only appreciable as a
+dinner one by female eyes--was again in requisition; while her fine arms
+were encircled with chains and armlets of various brilliance and devices.
+Thus attired, with a parting inspection of the spot, she swept downstairs,
+with as smart a bouquet as the season would afford. As luck would have it,
+she encountered his lordship himself wandering about the passage in search
+of the drawing-room, of whose door he had not made a sufficient observation
+on leaving. He too, was uncommonly smart, with the identical dress-coat Mr.
+Spraggon wore, a white waistcoat with turquoise buttons, a lace-frilled
+shirt, and a most extensive once-round Joinville. He had been eminently
+successful in accomplishing a tie that would almost rival the sticks
+farmers put upon truant geese to prevent their getting through gaps or
+under gates.
+
+Well, Miss Amelia having come to his lordship's assistance, and eased him
+of his candle, now showed him into the drawing-room; and his hands being
+disengaged, like a true Englishman, he must be doing, and accordingly he
+commenced an attack on her bouquet.
+
+'That's a fine nosegay!' exclaimed he, staring and rubbing his snub nose
+into the midst of it.
+
+'Let me give you a piece,' replied Amelia, proceeding to detach some of the
+best.
+
+'Do,' replied his lordship, banging one hand against the other, adding,
+'I'll wear it next my heart of hearts.'
+
+In sidled Miss Emily just as his lordship was adjusting it in his
+button-hole, and the inconstant man immediately chopped over to her.
+
+'Well, now, that _is_ a beautiful nosegay!' exclaimed he, turning upon her
+in precisely the same way, with a bang of the hand and a dive of his nose
+into Emily's.
+
+She did not offer him any, and his lordship continued his attentions to her
+until Mrs. Jawleyford entered.
+
+Dinner was presently announced; but his lordship, instead of choosing to
+sit with his back to the fire, took the single chair opposite, which gave
+him a commanding view of the young ladies. He did not, however, take any
+advantage of his position during the repast, neither did he talk much, his
+maxim being to let his meat stop his mouth. The preponderance of his
+observations, perhaps, were addressed to Amelia, though a watchful observer
+might have seen that the spectacles were oftener turned upon Emily. Up to
+the withdrawal of the cloth, however, there was no perceptible advantage on
+either side.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As his lordship settled to the sweets, at which he was a great hand at
+dessert, Amelia essayed to try her influence with the popular subject of a
+ball. 'I wish the members of your hunt would give us a ball, my lord,'
+observed she.
+
+'Ah, hay, hum--ball,' replied he, ladling up the syrup of some preserved
+peaches that he had been eating; 'ball, ball, ball. No place to give it--no
+place to give it,' repeated he.
+
+'Oh, give it in the town-hall, or the long room at the Angel,' replied she.
+
+'Town-hall--long room at the Angel--Angel at the long room of the
+town-hall--oh, certainly, certainly, certainly,' muttered he, scraping away
+at the contents of his plate.
+
+'Then that's a bargain, mind,' observed Amelia significantly.
+
+'Bargain, bargain, bargain--certainly,' replied he; 'and I'll lead off with
+you, or you'll lead off with me--whichever way it is--meanwhile, I'll
+trouble you for a piece of that gingerbread.'
+
+Having supplied him with a most liberal slice, she resumed the subject of
+the ball.
+
+'Then we'll fix it so,' observed she.
+
+'Oh, fix it so, certainly--certainly fix it so,' replied his lordship,
+filling his mouth full of gingerbread.
+
+'Suppose we have it on the day of the races?' continued Amelia.
+
+'Couldn't be better,' replied his lordship; 'couldn't be better,' repeated
+he, eyeing her intently through his formidable specs.
+
+His lordship was quite in the assenting humour, and would have agreed to
+anything--anything short of lending one a five-pound note.
+
+Amelia was charmed with her success. Despite the spot on her nose, she felt
+she was winning.
+
+His lordship sat like a target, shot at by all, but making the most of his
+time, both in the way of eating and staring between questions.
+
+At length the ladies withdrew, and his lordship having waddled to the door
+to assist their egress, now availed himself of Jawleyford's invitation to
+occupy an arm-chair during the enjoyment of his 'Wintle.'
+
+Whether it was the excellence of the beverage, or that his lordship was
+unaccustomed to wine-drinking, or that Jawleyford's conversation was
+unusually agreeable, we know not, but the summons to tea and coffee was
+disregarded, and when at length they did make their appearance, his
+lordship was what the ladies call rather elevated, and talked thicker than
+there was any occasion for. He was very voluble at first--told all how
+Sponge had knocked him about, how he detested him, and wouldn't allow him
+to come to the hunt ball, &c.; but he gradually died out, and at last fell
+asleep beside Mrs. Jawleyford on the sofa, with his little legs crossed,
+and a half-emptied coffee-cup in his hand, which Mr. Jawleyford and she
+kept anxiously watching, expecting the contents to be over the fine satin
+furniture every moment.
+
+In this pleasant position they remained till he awoke himself with a hearty
+snore, and turned the coffee over on to the carpet. Fortunately there was
+little damage done, and, it being nearly twelve o'clock, his lordship
+waddled off to bed.
+
+Amelia, when she came to think matters over in the retirement of her own
+room, was well satisfied with the progress she had made. She thought she
+only wanted opportunity to capture him. Though she was most anxious for a
+good night in order that she might appear to advantage in the morning,
+sleep forsook her eyelids, and she lay awake long thinking what she would
+do when she was my lady--how she would warm Woodmansterne, and what a
+dashing equipage she would keep. At length she dropped off, just as she
+thought she was getting into her well-appointed chariot, showing a becoming
+portion of her elegantly turned ankles.
+
+In the morning she attired herself in her new light blue satin robe,
+corsage Albanaise, with a sort of three-quarter sleeves, and muslin under
+ones--something, we believe, out of the last book of fashion. She also had
+her hair uncommonly well arranged, and sported a pair of clean
+primrose-coloured gloves. 'Now for victory,' said she, as she took a
+parting glance at herself in general, and the hot spot in particular.
+
+Judge of her disgust on meeting her mamma on the staircase at learning that
+his lordship had got up at six o'clock, and had gone to meet his hounds on
+the other side of the county. That Baggs had boiled his oatmeal porridge in
+his bedroom, and his lordship had eaten it as he was dressing.
+
+It may be asked, what was the maid about not to tell her.
+
+The fact is, that ladies'-maids are only numb hands in all that relates to
+hunting, and though Juliana knew that his lordship was up, she thought he
+had gone to have his hunt before breakfast, just as the young gentlemen in
+the last place she lived in used to go and have a bathe.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Baggs, we may add, was a married man, and Juliana and he had not had much
+conversation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+MR. BRAGG'S KENNEL MANAGEMENT
+
+
+The reader will now have the kindness to consider that Mr. Puffington has
+undergone his swell huntsman, Dick Bragg, for three whole years, during
+which time it was difficult to say whether his winter's service or his
+summer's impudence was most oppressive. Either way, Mr. Puffington had had
+enough both of him and the honours of hound-keeping. Mr. Bragg was not a
+judicious tyrant. He lorded it too much over Mr. Puffington; was too fond
+of showing himself off, and exposing his master's ignorance before the
+servants, and field. A stranger would have thought that Mr. Bragg, and not
+'Mr. Puff,' as Bragg called him, kept the hounds. Mr. Puffington took it
+pretty quietly at first, Bragg inundating him with what they did at the
+Duke of Downeybird's, Lord Reynard's, and the other great places in which
+he had lived, till he almost made Puff believe that such treatment was a
+necessary consequence of hound-keeping. Moreover, the cost was heavy, and
+the promised subscriptions were almost wholly imaginary; even if they had
+been paid, they would not have covered a quarter of the expense Mr. Bragg
+ran him to; and worst of all, there was an increasing instead of a
+diminishing expenditure. Trust a servant for keeping things up to the mark.
+
+All things, however, have an end, and Mr. Bragg began to get to the end of
+Mr. Puff's patience. As Puff got older he got fonder of his five-pound
+notes, and began to scrutinize bills and ask questions; to be, as Mr. Bragg
+said, 'very little of the gentleman'; Bragg, however, being quite one of
+your 'make-hay-while-the-sun-shines' sort, and knowing too well the style
+of man to calculate on a lengthened duration of office, just put on the
+steam of extravagance, and seemed inclined to try how much he could spend
+for his master. His bills for draft hounds were enormous; he was
+continually chopping and changing his horses, often almost without
+consulting his master; he had a perfect museum of saddles and bridles, in
+which every invention and variety of bit was exhibited; and he had paid as
+much as twenty pounds to different 'valets' and grooms for invaluable
+recipes for cleaning leather breeches and gloves. Altogether, Bragg overdid
+the thing; and when Mr. Puffington, in the solitude of a winter's day, took
+pen, ink, and paper, and drew out a 'balance sheet,' he found that on the
+average of six brace of foxes to the season, they had cost him about three
+hundred pounds a head killing. It was true that Bragg always returned five
+or six and twenty brace; but that was as between Bragg and the public, as
+between Bragg and his master the smaller figure was the amount.
+
+Mr. Puffington had had enough of it, and he now thought if he could get Mr.
+Sponge (who he still believed to be a sporting author on his travels) to
+immortalize him, he might retire into privacy, and talk of 'when _I_ kept
+hounds,' 'when _I_ hunted the country,' 'when _I_ was master of hounds _I_
+did this, and _I_ did that,' and fuss, and be important as we often see
+ex-masters of hounds when they go out with other packs. It was this
+erroneous impression with regard to Mr. Sponge that took our friend to the
+meet of Lord Scamperdale's hounds at Scrambleford Green, when he gave Mr.
+Sponge a general invitation to visit him before he left the country, an
+invitation that was as acceptable to Mr. Sponge on his expulsion from
+Jawleyford Court, as it was agreeable to Mr. Puffington--by opening a route
+by which he might escape from the penalty of hound-keeping, and the
+persecution of his huntsman.
+
+The reader will therefore now have the kindness to consider Mr. Puffington
+in receipt of Mr. Sponge's note, volunteering a visit.
+
+With gay and cheerful steps our friend hurried off to the kennel, to
+communicate the intelligence to Mr. Bragg of an intended honour that he
+inwardly hoped would have the effect of extinguishing that great sporting
+luminary.
+
+Arriving at the kennel, he learned from the old feeder, Jack Horsehide,
+who, as usual, was sluicing the flags with water, though the weather was
+wet, that Mr. Bragg was in the house (a house that had been the steward's
+in the days of the former owner of Hanby House). Thither Mr. Puffington
+proceeded; and the front door being open he entered, and made for the
+little parlour on the right. Opening the door without knocking, what should
+he find but the swell huntsman, Mr. Bragg, full fig, in his cap, best
+scarlet and leathers, astride a saddle-stand, sitting for his portrait!
+
+'_O, dim it!_' exclaimed Bragg, clasping the front of the stand as if it
+was a horse, and throwing himself off, an operation that had the effect of
+bringing the new saddle on which he was seated bang on the floor. 'O,
+sc-e-e-use me, sir,' seeing it was his master, 'I thought it was my
+servant; this, sir,' continued he, blushing and looking as foolish as men
+do when caught getting their hair curled or sitting for their portraits,
+'this, sir, is my friend, Mr. Ruddle, the painter, sir--yes, sir--very
+talented young man, sir--asked me to sit for my portrait, sir--is going to
+publish a series of portraits of all the best huntsmen in England, sir.'
+
+'And masters of hounds,' interposed Mr. Ruddle, casting a sheep's eye at
+Mr. Puffington.
+
+'And masters of hounds, sir,' repeated Mr. Bragg; 'yes, sir, and masters of
+hounds, sir'; Mr. Bragg being still somewhat flurried at the unexpected
+intrusion.
+
+'Ah, well,' interrupted Mr. Puffington, who was still eager about his
+mission, 'we'll talk about that after. At present I'm come to tell you,'
+continued he, holding up Mr. Sponge's note, 'that we must brush up a
+little--going to have a visit of inspection from the great Mr. Sponge.'
+
+'Indeed, sir!' replied Mr. Bragg, with the slightest possible touch of his
+cap, which he still kept on. 'Mr. Sponge, sir!--indeed, sir--Mr. Sponge,
+sir--pray who may _he_ be, sir?'
+
+'Oh--why--hay--hum--haw--he's Mr. Sponge, you know--been hunting with Lord
+Scamperdale, you know--great sportsman, in fact--great authority, you
+know.' 'Indeed--great authority is he--indeed--oh--yes--thinks so
+p'raps--sc-e-e-use me, sir, but des-say, sir, I've forgot more, sir, than
+Mr. Sponge ever knew, sir.'
+
+'Well, but you mustn't tell him so,' observed Mr. Puffington, fearful that
+Bragg might spoil sport.
+
+'Oh, tell him--no,' sneered Bragg, with a jerk of the head; 'tell him--no;
+I'm not exactly such a donkey as that; on the contrary, I'll make things
+pleasant, sir--sugar his milk for him, sir, in short, sir.'
+
+'Sugar his milk!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, who was only a matter-of-fact
+man; 'sugar his milk! I dare say he takes tea.'
+
+'Well, then, sugar his tea,' replied Bragg, with a smile, adding, 'can
+'commodate myself, sir, to circumstances, sir,' at the same time taking off
+his cap and setting a chair for his master.
+
+'Thank you, but I'm not going to stay,' replied Mr. Puffington; 'I only
+came up to let you know who you had to expect, so that you might prepare,
+you know--have all on the square, you know--best horses--best hounds--best
+appearance in general, you know.'
+
+'That I'll attend to,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a toss of the head--'that
+_I'll_ attend to,' repeated he, with an emphasis on the _I'll_, as much as
+to say, 'Don't you meddle with what doesn't concern you.'
+
+Mr. Puffington would fain have rebuked him for his impertinence, as indeed
+he often would fain have rebuked him; but Mr. Bragg had so overpowered him
+with science, and impressed him with the necessity of keeping him--albeit
+Mr. Puffington was sensible that he killed very few foxes--that, having put
+up with him so long, he thought it would never do to risk a quarrel, which
+might lose him the chance of getting rid of him and hounds altogether;
+therefore, Mr. Puffington, instead of saying, 'You conceited humbug, get
+out of this,' or indulging in any observations that might lead to
+controversy, said, with a satisfied, confidential nod of the head:
+
+'I'm sure you will--I'm sure you will,' and took his departure, leaving Mr.
+Bragg, to remount the saddle-stand and take the remainder of his sitting.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+MR. PUFFINGTON'S DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS
+
+
+Perhaps it was fortunate that Mr. Bragg did take the kennel management upon
+himself, or there is no saying but what with that and the house department,
+coupled with the usual fussiness of a bachelor, the Sponge visit might have
+proved too much for our master. The notice of the intended visit was short;
+and there were invitations to send out, and answers to get, bedrooms to
+prepare, and culinary arrangements to make--arrangements that people in
+town, with all their tradespeople at their elbows, can have no idea of the
+difficulty of effecting in the country. Mr. Puffington was fully employed.
+
+In addition to the parties mentioned as asked in his note to Lord
+Scamperdale, viz. Washball, Charley Slapp, and Lumpleg, were Parson
+Blossomnose; Mr. Fossick of the Flat Hat Hunt, who declined--Mr. Crane of
+Crane Hall; Captain Guano, late of that noble corps the Spotted Horse
+Marines; and others who accepted. Mr. Spraggon was a sort of volunteer, at
+all events an undesired guest, unless his lordship accompanied him. It so
+happened that the least wanted guest was the first to arrive on the
+all-important day.
+
+Lord Scamperdale, knowing our friend Jack was not over affluent, had no
+idea of spoiling him by too much luxury, and as the railway would serve a
+certain distance in the line of Hanby House, he despatched Jack to the
+Over-shoes-over-boots station with the dog-cart, and told him he would be
+sure to find a 'bus, or to get some sort of conveyance at the Squandercash
+station to take him up to Puffington's; at all events, his lordship added
+to himself, 'If he doesn't, it'll do him no harm to walk, and he can easily
+get a boy to carry his bag.'
+
+The latter was the case; for though the station-master assured Jack, on his
+arrival at Squandercash, that there was a 'bus, or a mail gig, or a
+something to every other train, there was nothing in connexion with the one
+that brought him, nor would he undertake to leave his carpet-bag at Hanby
+House before breakfast-time the next morning.
+
+[Illustration: JACK PROTESTS AGAINST ALL RAILWAYS]
+
+Jack was highly enraged, and proceeded to squint his eyes inside out, and
+abuse all railways, and chairmen, and directors, and secretaries, and
+clerks, and porters, vowing that railways were the greatest nuisances under
+the sun--that they were a perfect impediment instead of a facility to
+travelling--and declared that formerly a gentleman had nothing to do but
+order his four horses, and have them turned out at every stage as he came
+up, instead of being stopped in the _ridicklous_ manner he then was; and he
+strutted and stamped about the station as if he would put a stop to the
+whole line. His vehemence and big talk operated favourably on the Cockney
+station-master, who, thinking he must be a duke, or some great man, began
+to consider how to get him forwarded. It being only a thinly populated
+district--though there was a station equal to any mercantile emergency,
+indeed to the requirements of the whole county--he ran the resources of the
+immediate neighbourhood through his mind, and at length was obliged to
+admit--humbly and respectfully--that he really was afraid Martha Muggins's
+donkey was the only available article.
+
+Jack fumed and bounced at the very mention of such a thing, vowing that it
+was a downright insult to propose it; and he was so bumptious that the
+station-master, who had nothing to gain by the transaction, sought the
+privacy of the electric telegraph office, and left him to vent the balance
+of his wrath upon the porters.
+
+Of course they could do nothing more than the king of their little colony
+had suggested; and finding there was no help for it, Mr. Spraggon at last
+submitted to the humiliation, and set off to follow young Muggins with his
+bag on the donkey, in his best top-boots, worn under his trousers--an
+unpleasant operation to any one, but especially to a man like Jack, who
+preferred wearing his tops out against the flaps of his friends' saddles,
+rather than his soles by walking upon them. However, necessity said yes;
+and cocking his flat hat jauntily on his head, he stuck a cheroot in his
+mouth, and went smoking and swaggering on, looking--or rather
+squinting--bumptiously at everybody he met, as much as to say, 'Don't
+suppose I'm walking from necessity! I've plenty of tin.'
+
+The third cheroot brought Jack and his suite within sight of Hanby House.
+
+Mr. Puffington had about got through all the fuss of his preparations,
+arranged the billets of the guests and of those scarcely less important
+personages--their servants, allotted the stables, and rehearsed the wines,
+when a chance glance through the gaily furnished drawing-room window
+discovered Jack trudging up the trimly kept avenue.
+
+'Here's that nasty Spraggon,' exclaimed he, eyeing Jack dragging his legs
+along, adding, 'I'll be bound to say he'll never think of wiping his filthy
+feet if I don't go to meet him.'
+
+So saying, Puffington rushed to the entrance, and crowning himself with a
+white wide-awake, advanced cheerily to do so.
+
+Jack, who was more used to 'cold shoulder' than cordial reception, squinted
+and stared with surprise at the unwonted warmth, so different to their last
+interview, when Jack was fresh out of his clay-hole in the Brick Fields;
+but not being easily put out of his way, he just took Puff as Puff took
+him. They talked of Scamperdale, and they talked of Frostyface, and the
+number of foxes he had killed, the price of corn, and the difference its
+price made in the keep of hounds and horses. Altogether they were very
+'thick.'
+
+'And how's our friend Sponge?' asked Puffington, as the conversation at
+length began to flag.
+
+'Oh, he's nicely,' replied Jack, adding, 'hasn't he come yet?'
+
+'Not that I've seen,' answered Puffington, adding, 'I thought, perhaps, you
+might come together.'
+
+'No,' grunted Jack; 'he comes from Jawleyford's, you know; I'm from
+Woodmansterne.'
+
+'We'll go and see if he's come,' observed Puffington, opening a door in the
+garden-wall, into which he had manoeuvred Jack, communicating with the
+courtyard of the stable.
+
+'Here are his horses,' observed Puffington, as Mr. Leather rode through the
+great gates on the opposite side, with the renowned hunters in full
+marching order.
+
+'Monstrous fine animals they are,' said Jack, squinting intently at them.
+
+'They are that,' replied Puffington.
+
+'Mr. Sponge seems a very pleasant, gentlemanly man,' observed Mr.
+Puffington.
+
+'Oh, he is,' replied Jack.
+
+'Can you tell me--can you inform me--that's to say, can you give me any
+idea,' hesitated Puffington, 'what is the usual practice--the usual
+course--the usual understanding as to the treatment of those sort of
+gentlemen?'
+
+'Oh, the best of everything's good enough for them,' replied Jack, adding,
+'just as it is with me.'
+
+'Ah, I don't mean in the way of eating and drinking, but in the way of
+encouragement--in the way of a present, you know?' adding--'What did my
+lord do?' seeing Jack was slow at comprehension.
+
+'Oh, my lord bad-worded him well,' replied Jack, adding, 'he didn't get
+much encouragement from him.'
+
+'Ah, that's the worst of my lord,' observed Puffington; 'he's rather
+coarse--rather too indifferent to public opinion. In a case of this sort,
+you know, that doesn't happen every day, or, perhaps, more than once in a
+man's life, it's just as well to be favourably spoken of as not, you know';
+adding, as he looked intently at Jack--'Do you understand me?'
+
+Jack, who was tolerably quick at a chance, now began to see how things
+were, and to fathom Mr. Puffington's mistake. His ready imagination
+immediately saw there might be something made of it, so he prepared to keep
+up the delusion.
+
+'Wh-o-o-y!' said he, straddling out his legs, clasping his hands together,
+and squinting steadily through his spectacles, to try and see, by
+Puffington's countenance, how much he would stand. 'W-h-o-o-y!' repeated
+he, 'I shouldn't think--though, mind, it's mere conjectur' on my part--that
+you couldn't offer him less than--twenty or five-and-twenty punds; or, say,
+from that to thirty,' continued Jack, seeing that Puff's countenance
+remained complacent under the rise.
+
+'And that you think would be sufficient?' asked Puff, adding--'If one does
+the thing at all, you know, it's as well to do it handsomely.'
+
+'True,' replied Jack, sticking out his great thick lips, 'true. I'm a great
+advocate for doing things handsomely. Many a row I have with my lord for
+thanking fellows, and saying he'll _remember_ them instead of giving them
+sixpence or a shilling; but really I should say, if you were to give him
+forty or fifty pund--say a fifty--pund note, he'd be--'
+
+The rest of the sentence was lost by the appearance of Mr. Sponge,
+cantering up the avenue on the conspicuous piebald. Mr. Puffington and Mr.
+Spraggon greeted him as he alighted at the door.
+
+Sponge was quickly followed by Tom Washball; then came Charley Slapp and
+Lumpleg, and Captain Guano came in a gig. Mutual bows and bobs and shakes
+of the hand being exchanged, amid offers of 'anything before dinner' from
+the host, the guests were at length shown to their respective apartments,
+from which in due time they emerged, looking like so many bridegrooms.
+
+First came the worthy master of the hounds himself, in his scarlet
+dress-coat, lined with white satin; Tom Washball, and Charley Slapp also
+sported Puff's uniform; while Captain Guano, who was proud of his leg,
+sported the uniform of the Muffington Hunt--a pea-green coat lined with
+yellow, and a yellow collar, white shorts with gold garters, and black silk
+stockings.
+
+Spraggon had been obliged to put up with Lord Scamperdale's second best
+coat, his lordship having taken the best one himself; but it was passable
+enough by candle light, and the seediness of the blue cloth was relieved by
+a velvet collar and a new set of the Flat Hat Hunt buttons. Mr. Sponge wore
+a plain scarlet with a crimson velvet collar, and a bright fox on the
+frosted ground of a gilt button, with tights as before; and when Mr. Crane
+arrived he was found to be attired in a dress composed partly of Mr.
+Puffington's and partly of the Muggeridge Hunt uniform--the red coat of the
+former surmounting the white shorts and black stockings of the other.
+Altogether, however, they were uncommonly smart, and it is to be hoped that
+they appreciated each other.
+
+The dinner was sumptuous. Puff, of course, was in the chair; and Captain
+Guano coming last into the room, and being very fond of office, was vice.
+When men run to the 'noble science' of gastronomy, they generally outstrip
+the ladies in the art of dinner-giving, for they admit of no makeweight, or
+merely ornamental dishes, but concentrate the cook's energies on sterling
+and approved dishes. Everything men set on is meant to be eaten. Above all,
+men are not too fine to have the plate-warmer in the room, the deficiency
+of hot plates proving fatal to many a fine feast. It was evident that Puff
+prided himself on his table. His linen was the finest and whitest, his
+glass the most elegant and transparent, his plate the brightest, and his
+wines the most costly and _recherche_. Like many people, however, who are
+not much in the habit of dinner-giving, he was anxious and fussy, too
+intent upon making people comfortable to allow of their being so, and too
+anxious to get victuals and drink down their throats to allow of their
+enjoying either.
+
+He not only produced a tremendous assortment of wines--Hock, Sauterne,
+Champagne, Barsack, Burgundy, but descended into endless varieties of
+sherries and Madeiras. These he pressed upon people, always insisting that
+the last sample was the best.
+
+In these hospitable exertions Puffington was ably assisted by Captain
+Guano, who, being fond of wine, came in for a good quantity; first of all
+by asking everyone to take wine with him, and then in return every one
+asking him to do the same with them. The present absurd non-asking system
+was not then in vogue. The great captain, noisy and talkative at all times,
+began to be boisterous almost before the cloth was drawn.
+
+Puffington was equally promiscuous with his after-dinner wines. He had all
+sorts of clarets, and 'curious old ports.' The party did not seem to have
+any objection to spoil their digestions for the next day, and took whatever
+he produced with great alacrity. Lengthened were the candle examinations,
+solemn the sips, and sounding the smacks that preceded the delivery of
+their Campbell-like judgements.
+
+The conversation, which at first was altogether upon wine, gradually
+diverged upon sporting, and they presently brewed up a very considerable
+cry. Foremost among the noisy ones was Captain Guano. He seemed inclined to
+take the shine out of everybody.
+
+'Oh! if they could but find a good fox that would give them a run of ten
+miles--say, ten miles--just ten miles would satisfy him--say, from
+Barnesley Wold to Chingforde Wood, or from Carleburg Clump to Wetherden
+Head. He was going to ride his famous horse Jack-a-Dandy--the finest horse
+that ever was foaled! No day too long for him--no pace too great for
+him--no fence too stiff for him--no brook too broad for him.'
+
+Tom Washball, too, talked as if wearing a red coat was not the only purpose
+for which he hunted; and altogether they seemed to be an amazing, sporting,
+hard-riding set.
+
+When at length they rose to go to bed, it struck each man as he followed
+his neighbour upstairs that the one before him walked very crookedly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+A DAY WITH PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS
+
+
+Day dawned cheerfully. If there was rather more sun than the strict rules
+of Beckford prescribe, still sunshine is not a thing to quarrel with under
+any circumstances--certainly not for a gentleman to quarrel with who wants
+his place seen to advantage on the occasion of a meet of hounds. Everything
+at Hanby House was in apple-pie order. All the stray leaves that the
+capricious wintry winds still kept raising from unknown quarters, and
+whisking about the trim lawns, were hunted and caught, while a heavy roller
+passed over the Kensington gravel, pressing out the hoof and wheelmarks of
+the previous day. The servants were up betimes, preparing the house for
+those that were in it, and a _dejeuner a la fourchette_ for chance
+customers, from without.
+
+They were equally busy at the stable. Although Mr. Bragg did profess such
+indifference for Mr. Sponge's opinion, he nevertheless thought it might
+perhaps be as well to be condescending to the stranger. Accordingly, he
+ordered his whips to be on the alert, to tie their ties and put on their
+boots as they ought to be, and to hoist their caps becomingly on the
+appearance of our friend. Bragg, like a good many huntsmen, had a sort of
+tariff of politeness, that he indicated by the manner in which he saluted
+the field. To a lord, he made a sweep of his cap like the dome of St.
+Paul's; a baronet came in for about half as much; a knight, to a quarter.
+Bragg had also a sort of City or monetary tariff of politeness--a tariff
+that was oftener called in requisition than the 'Debrett' one, in Mr.
+Puffington's country. To a good 'tip' he vouchsafed as much cap as he gave
+to a lord; to a middling 'tip' he gave a sort of move that might either
+pass for a touch of the cap or a more comfortable adjustment of it to his
+head; a very small 'tip' had a forefinger to the peak; while he who gave
+nothing at all got a good stare or a good morning! or something of that
+sort. A man watching the arrival of the field could see who gave the fives,
+who the fours, who the threes, who the twos, who the ones, and who were the
+great 0's.
+
+But to our day with Mr. Puffington's hounds.
+
+Our over-night friends were not quite so brisk in the morning as the
+servants and parties outside. Puffington's 'mixture' told upon a good many
+of them. Washball had a headache, so had Lumpleg; Crane was seedy; and
+Captain Guano, sea-green. Soda-water was in great request.
+
+There was a splendid breakfast, table and sideboard looking as if Fortnum
+and Mason or Morel had opened a branch establishment at Hanby House. Though
+the staying guests could not do much for the good things set out, they were
+not wasted, for the place was fairly taken by storm shortly before the
+advertised hour of meeting; and what at one time looked like a most
+extravagant supply, at another seemed likely to prove a deficiency. Each
+man helped himself to whatever he fancied, without waiting for the ceremony
+of an invitation, in the usual style of fox-hunting hospitality.
+
+A few minutes before eleven, a 'gently, Rantaway,' accompanied by a slight
+crack of a whip, drew the seedy and satisfied parties to the oriel window,
+to see Mr. Bragg pass along with his hounds. They were just gliding
+noiselessly over the green sward, Mr. Bragg rising in his stirrups, as
+spruce as a game-cock, with his thoroughbred bay gambolling and pawing with
+delight at the frolic of the hounds, some clustering around him, others
+shooting forward a little, as if to show how obediently they would return
+at his whistle. Mr. Bragg was known as the whistling huntsman, and was a
+great man for telegraphing and signalizing with his arms, boasting that he
+could make hounds so handy that they could do everything, except pay the
+turnpike-gates. At his appearance the men all began to shuffle to the
+passage and entrance-hall, to look for their hats and whips; and presently
+there was a great outpouring of red coats upon the lawn, all straddling and
+waddling of course. Then Mr. Bragg, seeing an audience, with a slight
+whistle and wave of his right arm, wheeled his forces round, and trotted
+gaily towards where our guests had grouped themselves, within the light
+iron railing that separated the smooth slope from the field. As he reined
+in his horse, he gave his cap an aerial sweep, taking off perpendicularly,
+and finishing at his horse's ears--an example that was immediately followed
+by the whips, and also by Mr. Bragg's second horseman, Tom Stot.
+
+'Good morning, Mister Bragg! Good morning, Mister Bragg!--Good morning,
+Mister Bragg!' burst from the assembled spectators: for Mr. Bragg was one
+of those people that one occasionally meets whom everybody 'Misters.'
+Mister Bragg, rising in his stirrups with a gracious smile, passed a very
+polite bow along the line.
+
+'Here's a fine morning, Mr. Bragg,' observed Tom Washball, who thought it
+knowing to talk to servants.
+
+'Y_as_, sir,' replied Bragg, 'y_as_,' with a slight inclination to cap;
+'_r-a-y_-ther more s_a_n, p'raps, than desirable,' continued he, raising
+his face towards the heavens; 'but still by no means a bad day, sir--no,
+sir--by no means a bad day, sir.'
+
+'Hounds looking well,' observed Charley Slapp between the whiffs of a
+cigar.
+
+'Y_as_, sir,' said Bragg, 'y_as_,' looking around them with a
+self-satisfied smile; adding, 'so they ought, sir--so they ought; if _I_
+can't bring a pack out as they should be, don't know who can.'
+
+'Why, here's our old Rummager, I declare!' exclaimed Spraggon, who, having
+vaulted the iron hurdles, was now among the pack. 'Why, here's our old
+Rummager, I declare!' repeated he, laying his whip on the head of a
+solemn-looking black and white hound, somewhat down in the toes, and
+looking as if he was about done.
+
+'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, leaning over his horse's shoulder, and
+whispering into Jack's ear; 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but _drop_ that, sir, if
+you please, sir.'
+
+'Drop what?' asked Jack, squinting through his great tortoiseshell-rimmed
+spectacles up into Bragg's face.
+
+''Bout knowing of that 'ound, sir,' whispered Bragg; 'the fact is, sir--we
+call him Merryman, sir; master don't know I got him from you, sir.'
+
+'O-o-o,' replied Jack, squinting, if possible, more frightfully than
+before.
+
+'Ah, that's the hound I offered to Scamperdale,' observed Puffington,
+seeing the movement, and coming up to where Jack stood; 'that's the hound I
+offered to Scamperdale,' repeated he, taking the old dog's head between his
+hands. 'There's no better hound in the world than this,' continued he,
+patting and smoothing him; 'and no better _bred_ hound either,' added he,
+rubbing the dog's sides with his whip.
+
+'How is he bred?' asked Jack, who knew the hound's pedigree better than he
+did his own.
+
+'Why, I got him from Reynard--no, I mean from Downeybird--the Duke, you
+know; but he was bred by Fitzwilliam--by his Singwell out of Darling.
+Singwell was by the Rutland Rallywood out of Tavistock Rhapsody; but to
+make a long story short, he's lineally descended from the Beaufort
+Justice.'
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Jack hardly able to contain himself; 'that's undeniable
+blood.'
+
+'Well, I'm glad to hear you say so,' replied Puffington. 'I'm glad to hear
+you say so, for you understand these things--no man better; and I confess
+I've a warm side to that Beaufort Justice blood.'
+
+'Don't wonder at it,' replied Jack, laughing his waistcoat strings off.
+
+'The great Mr. Warde,' continued Mr. Puffington, 'who was justly partial to
+his own sort, had never any objection to breeding from the Beaufort
+Justice.'
+
+'No, nor nobody else that knew what he was about,' replied Jack, turning
+away to conceal his laughter.
+
+'We should be moving, I think, sir,' observed Bragg, anxious to put an end
+to the conversation; 'we should be moving, I think, sir,' repeated he,
+with a rap of his forefinger against his cap peak. 'It's past eleven,'
+added he, looking at his gold watch, and shutting it against his cheek.
+
+'What do you draw first?' asked Jack.
+
+'Draw--draw--draw,' replied Puffington. 'Oh, we'll draw Rabbitborough
+Gorse--that's a new cover I've inclosed on my pro-o-r-perty.'
+
+'Sc-e-e-use me, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smile, and another rap of the
+cap: 'sc-e-e-use me, sir, but I'm going to Hollyburn Hanger first.'
+
+'Ah, well, Hollyburn Hanger,' replied Puffington, complacently; 'either
+will do very well.'
+
+If Puff had proposed Hollyburn Hanger, Bragg would have said Rabbitborough
+Gorse.
+
+The move of the hounds caused a rush of gentlemen to their horses, and
+there was the usual scramblings up, and fidgetings, and funkings, and
+who-o-hayings and drawing of girths, and taking up of curbs, and
+lengthening and shortening of stirrups.
+
+Captain Guano couldn't get his stirrups to his liking anyhow. ''Ord hang
+these leathers,' roared he, clutching up a stirrup-iron; 'who the devil
+would ever have sent one out a-huntin' with a pair of new
+stirrup-leathers?'
+
+'Hang you and the stirrup leathers,' growled the groom, as his master rode
+away; 'you're always wantin' sumfin to find fault with. I'm blowed if it
+arn't a disgrace to an oss to carry such a man,' added he, eyeing the
+chestnut fidgeting and wincing as the captain worked away at the stirrups.
+
+Mr. Bragg trotted briskly on with the hounds, preceded by Joe Banks the
+first whip, and having Jack Swipes the second, and Tom Stot, riding
+together behind him, to keep off the crowd.
+
+Thus the cavalcade swept down the avenue, crossed the Swillingford
+turnpike, and took through a well-kept field road, which speedily brought
+them to the cover--rough, broomy, brushwood-covered banks, of about three
+acres in extent, lying on either side of the little Hollyburn Brook, one of
+the tiny streams that in angry times helped to swell the Swill into a
+river.
+
+'Dim all these foot people!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, in well-feigned disgust,
+as he came in view, and found all the Swillingford snobs, all the tinkers
+and tailors, and cobblers and poachers, and sheep-stealers, all the
+scowling, rotten-fustianed, baggy-pocketed scamps of the country ranged
+round the cover, some with dogs, some with guns, some with snares, and all
+with sticks or staffs. 'Well, I'm dimmed if ever I seed sich a--' The rest
+of the speech being lost amidst the exclamations of: 'Ah! the hunds! the
+hunds! hoop! tally-o the hunds!' and a general rush of the ruffians to meet
+them.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN GUANO CAN'T GET HIS STIRRUPS THE RIGHT LENGTH]
+
+Captain Guano, who had now come up, joined in the denunciation, inwardly
+congratulating himself on the probability that the first cover, at least,
+would be drawn blank. Tom Washball, who was riding a very troublesome
+tail-foremost grey, also censured the proceeding.
+
+And Mr. Puffington, still an 'am_aa_izin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+exclaimed, as he rode among them, 'Ah! my good fellows, I'd rather you'd
+come up and had some ale than disturbed the cover'; a hint that the wily
+ones immediately took, rushing up to the house, and availing themselves of
+the absence of the butler, who had followed the hounds, to take a couple of
+dozen of his best fiddle-handled forks while the footman was drawing them
+the ale.
+
+The whips being duly signalled by Bragg to their points--Brick to the north
+corner, Swipes to the south--and the field being at length drawn up to his
+liking, Mr. Bragg looked at Mr. Puffington for his signal (the only piece
+of interference he allowed him); at a nod Mr. Bragg gave a wave of his cap,
+and the pack dashed into cover with a cry.
+
+'Yo-o-icks--wind him! Yo-o-icks--pash him up!' cheered Bragg, standing
+erect in his stirrups, eyeing the hounds spreading and sniffing about, now
+this way, now that--now pushing through a thicket, now threading and
+smelling along a meuse. 'Yo-o-icks--wind him! Yo-o-icks--pash him up!'
+repeated he, cracking his whip, and moving slowly on. He then varied the
+entertainment by whistling, in a sharp, shrill key, something like the
+chirp of a sparrow-hawk.
+
+Thus the hounds rummaged and scrimmaged for some minutes.
+
+'No fox here,' observed Captain Guano, bringing his horse alongside of Mr.
+Bragg's.
+
+'Not so sure o' _that_,' replied Mr. Bragg, with a sneer, for he had a
+great contempt for the captain. 'Not so sure o' that,' replied he, eyeing
+Thunderer and Galloper feathering up the brook.
+
+'Hang these stirrups!' exclaimed the captain, again attempting to adjust
+them; adding, 'I declare I have no seat whatever in this saddle.'
+
+'Nor in any other,' muttered Bragg. 'Yo-icks, Galloper! Yo-icks, Thunderer!
+Ge-e-ntly, Warrior!' continued he, cracking his whip, as Warrior pounced at
+a bunny.
+
+The hounds were evidently on a scent, hardly strong enough to own, but
+sufficiently indicated by their feathering, and the rush of their comrades
+to the spot.
+
+'A fox for a thousand!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, eyeing them, and looking at
+his watch.
+
+'Oh, d--mn me! I've got one stirrup longer than another now!' roared
+Captain Guano, trying the fresh adjustment. 'I've got one stirrup longer
+than another!' added he in a terrible pucker.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A low snatch of a whimper now proceeded from Galloper, and Bragg cheered
+him to the echo. In another second a great banging brown fox burst from
+among the broom, and dashed down the little dean. What noises, what
+exclamations rent the air! 'Talli-ho! talliho! talliho!' screamed a host of
+voices, in every variety of intonation, from the half-frantic yell of a
+party seeing him, down to the shout of a mere partaker of the epidemic.
+Shouting is very contagious. The horsemen gathered up their reins, pressed
+down their hats, and threw away their cigar-ends.
+
+''Ord hang it!' roared Captain Guano, still fumbling at the leathers, 'I
+shall never be able to ride with stirrups in this state.'
+
+'Hang your stirrups!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, shooting past him; adding,
+'It was your _saddle_ last time.'
+
+Bragg's queer tootle of his horn, for he was full of strange blows, now
+sounded at the low end of the cover; and, having a pet line of gaps and
+other conveniences that he knew how to turn to on the minute, he soon shot
+so far ahead as to give him the appearance (to the slow 'uns) of having
+flown. Brick and Swipes quickly had all the hounds after him, and Stot,
+dropping his elbows, made for the road, to ride the second horse gently on
+the line. The field, as usual, divided into two parts, the soft riders and
+the hard ones--the soft riders going by the fields, the hard riders by the
+road. Messrs. Spraggon, Sponge, Slapp, Quilter, Rasper, Crasher, Smasher,
+and some half-dozen more, bustled after Bragg; while the worthy master Mr.
+Puffington, Lumpleg, Washball, Crane, Guano, Shirker, and very many others,
+came pounding along the lane. There was a good scent, and the hounds shot
+across the Fleecyhaughwater Meadows, over the hill, to the village of
+Berrington Roothings, where, the fox having been chased by a cur, the
+hounds were brought to a check on some very bad scenting-ground, on the
+common, a little to the left of the village, at the end of a quarter of an
+hour or so. The road having been handy, the hard riders were there almost
+as soon as the soft ones; and there being no impediments on the common,
+they all pushed boldly on among the now stooping hounds.
+
+'Hold hard, gentlemen!' exclaimed Mr. Bragg, rising in his stirrups and
+telegraphing with his right arm. 'Hold hard!--pray do!' added he, with
+little better success. 'Dim it, gen'lemen, hold hard!' added he, as they
+still pressed upon the pack. 'Have a little regard for a huntsman's
+raputation,' continued he. 'Remember that it rises and falls with the sport
+he shows'--exhortations that seemed to be pretty well lost upon the field,
+who began comparing notes as to their respective achievements, enlarging
+the leaps and magnifying the distance into double what they had been.
+Puffington and some of the fat ones sat gasping and mopping their brows.
+
+Seeing there was not much chance of the hounds hitting off the scent by
+themselves, Mr. Bragg began telegraphing with his arm to the whippers-in,
+much in the manner of the captain of a Thames steamer to the lad at the
+engine, and forthwith they drove the pack on for our swell huntsman to make
+his cast. As good luck would have it, Bragg crossed the line of the fox
+before he had got half-through his circle, and away the hounds dashed, at a
+pace and with a cry that looked very like killing. Mr. Bragg was in
+ecstasies, and rode in a manner very contrary to his wont. All again was
+life, energy, and action; and even some who hoped there was an end of the
+thing, and that they might go home and say, as usual, 'that they had had a
+very good run, but not killed,' were induced to proceed.
+
+Away they all went as before.
+
+At the end of eighteen minutes more the hounds ran into their fox in the
+little green valley below Mountnessing Wood, and Mr. Bragg had him
+stretched on the green with the pack baying about him, and the horses of
+the field-riders getting led about by the country people, while the riders
+stood glorying in the splendour of the thing. All had a direct interest in
+making it out as good as possible, and Mr. Bragg was quite ready to
+appropriate as much praise as ever they liked to give.
+
+''Ord dim him,' said he, turning up the fox's grim head with his foot, 'but
+Mr. Bragg's an awkward customer for gen'lemen of your description.'
+
+'You hunted him well!' exclaimed Charley Slapp, who was trumpeter general
+of the establishment.
+
+'Oh, sir,' replied Bragg, with a smirk and a condescending bow, 'if Richard
+Bragg can't kill foxes, I don't know who can.'
+
+Just then 'Puffington and Co.' hove in sight up the valley, their faces
+beaming with delight as the tableau before them told the tale. They
+hastened to the spot.
+
+'How many brace is that?' asked Puffington, with the most matter-of-course
+air, as he trotted up, and reined in his horse outside the circle.
+
+'Seventeen brace, your grace, I mean to say my lord, that's to say _sur_,'
+replied Bragg, with a strong emphasis on the _sur_, as if to say, 'I'm not
+used to you snobs of commoners.'
+
+'Seventeen brace!' sneered Jack Spraggon to Sponge, adding, in a whisper,
+'More like _seven_ foxes.'
+
+'And how many run to ground?' asked Puffington, alighting.
+
+'Four brace,' replied Bragg, stooping to cut off the brush.
+
+We were wrong in saying that Bragg only allowed Puff the privilege of
+nodding his head to say when he might throw off. He let him lead the 'lie
+gallop' in the kill department.
+
+Mr. Puffington then presented Mr. Sponge with the brush, and the usual
+solemnities being observed, the sherry flasks were produced and drained,
+the biscuits munched, and, amidst the smoke of cigars, the ring broke up in
+great good-will.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+Writing A Run
+
+
+[Illustration: letter T]
+
+The first fumes of excitement over, after a run with a kill, the field
+begin to take things more coolly and veraciously, and ere long some of them
+begin to pick holes in the affair. The men of the hunt run it up, while
+those of the next hunt run it down. Added to this there are generally some
+cavilling, captious fellows in every field who extol a run to the master's
+face, and abuse it behind his back. So it was on the present occasion. The
+men of the hunt--Charley Slapp, Lumpleg, Guano, Crane, Washball, and
+others--lauded and magnified it into something magnificent; while Fossick,
+Fyle, Wake, Blossomnose, and others of the 'Flat Hat Hunt,' pronounced it a
+niceish thing--a pretty burst; and Mr. Vosper, who had hunted for
+five-and-twenty seasons without ever subscribing one farthing to hounds,
+always declaring that each season was 'his last,' or that he was going to
+confine himself entirely to some other pack, said it was nothing to make a
+row about, that he had seen fifty better things with the Tinglebury
+harriers, and never a word said.
+
+'Well,' said Sponge to Spraggon, between the whiffs of a cigar, as they
+rode together; 'it wasn't so bad, was it?'
+
+'Bad!--no,' squinted Jack, 'devilish good--for Puff, at least,' adding, 'I
+question he's had a better this season.'
+
+'Well, we are in luck,' observed Tom Washball, riding up and joining them;
+'we are in luck to have a satisfactory thing with you great connoisseurs
+out.'
+
+'A pretty thing enough,' replied Jack, 'pretty thing enough.'
+
+'Oh, I don't mean to say it's equal to many we've had this season,' replied
+Washball; 'nothing like the Boughton Hill day, nor yet the Hembury Forest
+one; but still, considering the meet and the state of the country--'
+
+'Hout! the country's good enough,' growled Jack, who hated Washball;
+adding, 'a good fox makes any country good'; with which observation he
+sidled up to Sponge, leaving Washball in the middle of the road.
+
+'That reminds me,' said Jack, _sotto voce_ to Sponge, 'that the crittur
+wants his run puffed, and he thinks you can do it.'
+
+'Me!' exclaimed Sponge, 'what's put that in his head?'
+
+'Why, you see,' exclaimed Jack, 'the first time you came out with our
+hounds at Dundleton Tower, you'll remember--or rather, the first time we
+saw you, when your horse ran away with you--somebody, Fyle, I think it
+was, said you were a literary cove; and Puff, catchin' at the idea, has
+never been able to get rid of it since: and the fact is, he'd like to be
+flattered--he'd be uncommonly pleased if you were to "soft sawder" him
+handsomely.'
+
+'_Me!_' exclaimed Sponge; 'bless your heart, man, I can't write
+anything--nothing fit to print, at least.'
+
+'Hout, fiddle!' retorted Spraggon, 'you can write as well as any other man;
+see what lots of fellows write, and nobody ever finds fault.'
+
+'But the spellin' bothers one,' replied Sponge, with a shake of his elbow
+and body, as if the idea was quite out of the question.
+
+'Hang the spellin',' muttered Jack, 'one can always borrow a dictionary; or
+let the man of the paper--the editor, as they call him--smooth out the
+spellin'. You say at the end of your letter, that your hands are cold, or
+your hand aches with holdin' a pullin' horse, and you'll thank him to
+correct any inadvertencies--you needn't call them errors, you know.'
+
+'But where's the use of it?' exclaimed Sponge; 'it'll do us no good, you
+know, praisin' Puff's pack, or himself, or anything about him.'
+
+'That's just the point,' said Jack, 'that's just the point. I can make it
+answer both our purposes,' said he, with a nudge of the elbow, and an
+inside-out squint of his eyes.
+
+'Oh, that's another matter,' replied our friend; 'if we can turn the thing
+to account, well and good--I'm your man for a shy.'
+
+'We _can_ turn it to account,' rejoined Jack; 'we _can_ turn it to
+account--at least _I_ can; but then you must do it. He wouldn't take it as
+any compliment from me. It's the stranger that sees all things in their
+true lights. D'ye understand?' asked he eagerly.
+
+'I twig,' replied Sponge.
+
+'You write the account,' continued Jack, 'and I'll manage the rest.'
+
+'You must help me,' observed Sponge.
+
+'Certainly,' replied Jack; 'we'll do it together, and go halves in the
+plunder.'
+
+'Humph,' mused Sponge: 'halves,' said he to himself. 'And what will you
+give me for my half?' asked he.
+
+'Give you!' exclaimed Jack, brightening up. 'Give you! Let me see,'
+continued he, pretending to consider--'Puff's rich--Puff's a liberal
+fellow--Puff's a conceited beggar--mix it strong,' said Jack, 'and I'll
+give you ten pounds.'
+
+'Make it twelve,' replied Sponge, after a pause.
+
+If Jack had said twelve. Sponge would have asked fourteen.
+
+'Couldn't,' said Jack, with a shake of the head; 'it really isn't with
+(worth) the money.'
+
+The two then rode on in silence for some little distance.
+
+'I'll tell you what I'll do,' said Jack, spurring his horse, and trotting
+up the space that the other had now shot ahead. 'I'll split the difference
+with you!'
+
+'Well, give me the sov.,' said Sponge, holding out his hand for earnest.
+
+'Why, I haven't a sov. upon me,' replied Jack; 'but, honour bright, I'll do
+what I say.'
+
+'Give me eleven golden sovereigns for my chance,' repeated Sponge slowly,
+in order that there might be no mistake.
+
+'Eleven golden sovereigns for your chance,' repeated Jack.
+
+'Done!' replied Sponge.
+
+'Done!' repeated Jack.
+
+'Let's jog on and do it at once while the thing's fresh in our minds,' said
+Jack, working his horse into a trot.
+
+Sponge did the same; and the grass-siding of Orlantire Parkwall favouring
+their design, they increased the trot to a canter. They soon passed the
+park's bounds, and entering upon one of those rarities--an unenclosed
+common, angled its limits so as to escape the side-bar, and turning up
+Farningham Green lane, came out upon the Kingsworth and Swillingford
+turnpike within sight of Hanby House.
+
+'We'd better pull up and walk the horses gently in, p'raps,' observed
+Sponge, reining his in.
+
+'Ah! I was only wantin' to get home before the rest,' observed Jack,
+pulling up too.
+
+They then proceeded more leisurely together.
+
+'We'd better get into one of our bedrooms to do it,' observed Jack, as they
+passed the lodge. 'Just so,' replied Sponge, adding, 'I dare say we shall
+want all the quiet we can get.'
+
+'Oh no!' said Jack; 'the thing's simple enough--met at such a place--found
+at such another--killed at so and so.'
+
+'Well, I hope it will,' said Sponge, riding into the stable-yard, and
+resigning his steed to the care of his groom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jack did the same by Sponge's other horse, which he had been riding, and in
+reply to Leather's inquiry (who stood with his right hand ready, as if to
+shake hands with him), 'how the horse had carried him?' replied:
+
+'Cursed ill,' and stamped away without giving him anything.
+
+'Ah, _you're_ a gen'leman, you are,' muttered Leather, as he led the horse
+away. 'Now, come!' exclaimed Jack to Sponge, 'come! let's get in before
+any of those bothersome fellows come'; adding, as he dived into a passage,
+'I'll show you the back way.'
+
+After passing a scullery, a root-house, and a spacious entrance-hall, upon
+a table in which stood the perpetual beer-jug and bread-basket, a green
+baize door let them into the regions of upper service, and passing the
+dashed carpets of the housekeeper's room and butler's pantry, a red baize
+door let them into the far-side of the front entrance. Having deposited
+their hats and whips, they bounded up the richly carpeted staircase to
+their rooms.
+
+Hanby House, as we have already said, was splendidly furnished. All the
+grandeur did not run to the entertaining rooms; but each particular
+apartment, from the state bedroom down to the smallest bachelor snuggery,
+was replete with elegance and comfort.
+
+Like many houses, however, the bedrooms possessed every imaginable luxury
+except boot-jacks and pens that would write. In Sponge's room for instance,
+there were hip-baths, and foot-baths, a shower-bath, and hot and cold baths
+adjoining, and mirrors innumerable; an eight-day mantel-clock, by Moline of
+Geneva, that struck the hours, half-hours, and quarters: cut-glass toilet
+candlesticks, with silver sconces; an elegant zebra-wood cabinet; also a
+beautiful davenport of zebra-wood, with a plate-glass back, containing a
+pen rug worked on silver ground, an ebony match box, a blue crystal,
+containing a sponge pen-wiper, a beautiful envelope-case, a white-cornelian
+seal, with 'Hanby House' upon it, wax of all colours, papers of all
+textures, envelopes without end--every imaginable requirement of
+correspondence except a pen that would write. There _were_ pens,
+indeed--there almost always are--but they were miserable apologies of
+things; some were mere crow-quills--sort of cover-hacks of pens, while
+others were great, clumsy, heavy-heeled, cart-horse sort of things, clotted
+up to the hocks with ink, or split all the way through--vexatious
+apologies, that throw a person over just at the critical moment, when he
+has got his sheet prepared and his ideas all ready to pour upon paper;
+then splut--splut--splutter goes the pen, and away goes the train of
+thought. Bold is the man who undertakes to write his letters in his bedroom
+with country-house pens. But, to our friends. Jack and Sponge slept next
+door to each other; Sponge, as we have already said, occupying the
+state-room, with its canopy-topped bedstead, carved and panelled sides, and
+elegant chintz curtains lined with pink, and massive silk-and-bullion
+tassels; while Jack occupied the dressing-room, which was the state bedroom
+in miniature, only a good deal more comfortable. The rooms communicated
+with double doors, and our friends very soon effected a passage.
+
+'Have you any 'baccy?' asked Jack, waddling in in his slippers, after
+having sucked off his tops without the aid of a boot-jack.
+
+'There's some in my jacket pocket,' replied Sponge, nodding to where it
+hung in the wardrobe; 'but it won't do to smoke here, will it?' asked he.
+
+'Why not?' inquired Jack.
+
+'Such a fine room,' replied Sponge, looking around.
+
+'Oh, fine be hanged!' replied Jack, adding, as he made for the jacket, 'no
+place too fine for smokin' in.'
+
+Having helped himself to one of the best cigars, and lighted it, Jack
+composed himself cross-legged in an easy, spring, stuffed chair, while
+Sponge fussed about among the writing implements, watering and stirring up
+the clotted ink, and denouncing each pen in succession, as he gave it the
+initiatory trial in writing the word 'Sponge.'
+
+'Curse the pens!' exclaimed he, throwing the last bright crisp yellow thing
+from him in disgust. 'There's not one among 'em that can go!--all reg'larly
+stumped up.'
+
+'Haven't you a penknife?' asked Jack, taking the cigar out of his mouth.
+
+'Not I,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Take a razor, then,' said Jack, who was good at an expedient.
+
+'I'll take one of yours,' said Sponge, going into the dressing-room for
+one. 'Hang it, but you're rather too sharp,' exclaimed Jack, with a shake
+of his head.
+
+'It's more than your razor 'll be when I'm done with it,' replied Sponge.
+
+Having at length, with the aid of Jack's razor, succeeded in getting a pen
+that would write, Mr. Sponge selected a sheet of best cream-laid satin
+paper, and, taking a cane-bottomed chair, placed himself at the table in an
+attitude for writing. Dipping the fine yellow pen in the ink, he looked in
+Jack's face for an idea. Jack, who had now got well advanced in the cigar,
+sat squinting through his spectacles at our scribe, though apparently
+looking at the top of the bed.
+
+'Well?' said Sponge, with a look of inquiry.
+
+'Well,' replied Jack, in a tone of indifference.
+
+'How shall I begin?' asked Sponge, twirling the pen between his fingers,
+and spluttering the ink over the paper.
+
+'Begin!' replied Jack, 'begin, oh, begin, just as you usually begin.'
+
+'As a letter?' asked Sponge.
+
+'I 'spose so,' replied Jack; 'how would you think?'
+
+'Oh, I don't know,' replied Sponge. 'Will _you_ try your hand?' added he,
+holding out the pen.
+
+'Why, I'm busy just now, you see,' said he, pointing to his cigar, 'and
+that horse of yours' (Jack had ridden the redoubtable chestnut,
+Multum in Parvo, who had gone very well in the company of Hercules) pulled
+so confoundedly that I've almost lost the use of my fingers,' continued he,
+working away as if he had got the cramp in both hands; 'but I'll prompt
+you,' added he, 'I'll prompt you.'
+
+'Why don't you begin then?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Begin!' exclaimed Jack, taking the cigar from his lips; 'begin!' repeated
+he, 'oh, I'll begin directly--didn't know you were ready.'
+
+Jack then threw himself back in his chair, and sticking out his little
+bandy legs, turned the whites of his eyes up to the ceiling, as if lost in
+meditation.
+
+'Begin,' said he, after a pause, 'begin, "This splendid pack had a stunning
+run."'
+
+'But we must put _what_ pack first,' observed Sponge, writing the words
+'Mr. Puffington's hounds' at the top of the paper. 'Well,' said he, writing
+on, 'this stunning pack had a splendid run.'
+
+'No, not stunning _pack_,' growled Jack, '_splendid_ pack--"this splendid
+pack had a stunning run."'
+
+'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, writing it down; 'well,' said he looking up,
+'I've got it.'
+
+'This stunning pack had a splendid run,' repeated Jack, squinting away at
+the ceiling.
+
+'I thought you said _splendid_ pack,' observed Sponge.
+
+'So I did,' replied Jack.
+
+'You said stunning just now,' rejoined he.
+
+'Ah, that was a slip of the tongue,' said Jack. 'This splendid pack had a
+stunning run,' repeated Jack, appealing again to his cigar for inspiration;
+'well, then,' said he, after a pause, 'you just go on as usual, you know,'
+continued he, with a flourish of his great red hand.
+
+'As usual!' exclaimed Sponge, 'you don't s'pose one's pen goes of itself.'
+
+'Why, no,' replied Jack, knocking the ashes off his cigar on to the
+arabesque-patterned tapestry carpet--'why, no, not exactly; but these
+things, you know, are a good deal matter of course; just describe what you
+saw, you know, and butter Puff well, that's the main point.'
+
+'But you forget,' replied Sponge, 'I don't know the country, I don't know
+the people, I don't know anything at all about the run--I never once looked
+at the hounds.'
+
+'That's nothin',' replied Jack, 'there'd be plenty like you in that
+respect. However,' continued he, gathering himself up in his chair as if
+for an effort, 'you can say--let me see what you can say--you can say,
+"this splendid pack had a stunning run from Hollyburn Hanger, the property
+of its truly popular master, Mr. Puffington," or--stop,' said Jack,
+checking himself, 'say, "the property of its truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington." The cover's just as much mine as it's his,'
+observed Jack; 'it belongs to old Sir Timothy Tensthemain, who's vegetating
+at Boulogne-sur-Mer, but Puff says he'll buy it when it comes to the
+hammer, so we'll flatter him by considering it his already, just as we
+flatter him by calling him a sportsman--_sportsman_!' added Jack, with a
+sneer, 'he's just as much taste for the thing as a cow.'
+
+'Well,' said Sponge, looking up, 'I've got "truly popular and sporting
+master, Mr. Puffington,"' adding, 'hadn't we better say something about the
+meet and the grand spread here before we begin with the run?'
+
+'True,' replied Jack, after a long-drawn whiff and another adjustment of
+the end of his cigar; 'say that "a splendid field of well-appointed
+sportsmen"--'
+
+'A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen,' wrote Sponge.
+
+'"Among whom we recognized several distinguished strangers and members of
+Lord Scamperdale's hunt." That means you and I,' observed Jack.
+
+'"Of Lord Scamperdale's hunt--that means you and I"'--read Sponge, as he
+wrote it.
+
+'But you're not to put in that; you're not to write "that means you and I,"
+my man,' observed Jack.
+
+'Oh, I thought that was part of the sentence,' replied Sponge.
+
+'No, no,' said Jack; 'I meant to say that you and I were the distinguished
+strangers and members of Lord Scamperdale's hunt; but that's between
+ourselves, you know.'
+
+'Good,' said Sponge; 'then I'll strike that out,' running his pen through
+the words 'that means you and I.' 'Now get on,' said he, appealing to Jack,
+adding, 'we've a deal to do yet.'
+
+'Say,' said Jack, '"after partaking of the well-known profuse and splendid
+hospitality of Hanby House, they proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger,
+where a fine seasoned fox--though some said he was a bag one--"'
+
+'Did they?' exclaimed Sponge, adding, 'well, I thought he went away rather
+queerly.'
+
+'Oh, it was only old Bung the brewer, who runs down every run he doesn't
+ride.'
+
+'Well, never mind,' replied Sponge, 'we'll make the best of it, whatever it
+was'; writing away as he spoke, and repeating the words 'bag one' as he
+penned them.
+
+'"Broke away,"' continued Jack:
+
+'"In view of the whole field,"' added Sponge. 'Just so,' assented Jack.
+
+'"Every hound scoring to cry, and making the "--the--the--what d'ye call
+the thing?' asked Jack.
+
+'Country,' suggested Sponge.
+
+'No,' replied Jack, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Hill and dale?' tried Sponge again.
+
+'Welkin!' exclaimed Jack, hitting it off himself--'"makin' the welkin ring
+with their melody!" makin' the welkin ring with their melody,' repeated he,
+with exultation.
+
+'Capital!' observed Sponge, as he wrote it.
+
+'Equal to Littlelegs,'[2] said Jack, squinting his eyes inside out.
+
+'We'll make a grand thing of it,' observed Sponge.
+
+'So we will,' replied Jack, adding, 'if we had but a book of po'try we'd
+weave in some lines here. You haven't a book o' no sort with you that we
+could prig a little po'try from?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge thoughtfully. 'I'm afraid not; indeed, I'm sure not.
+I've got nothin' but _Mogg's Cab Fares_.'
+
+'Ah, that won't do,' observed Jack, with a shake of the head. 'But stay,'
+said he, 'there are some books over yonder,' pointing to the top of an
+Indian cabinet, and squinting in a totally different direction. 'Let's see
+what they are,' added he, rising, and stumping away to where they stood. _I
+Promessi Sposi_, read he off the back of one. 'What can that mean! Ah, it's
+Latin,' said he, opening the volume. _Contes a ma Fille_, read he off the
+back of another. 'That sounds like racin',' observed he, opening the
+volume, 'it's Latin too,' said he, returning it. 'However, never mind,
+we'll "sugar Puff's milk," as Mr. Bragg would say, without po'try.' So
+saying, Mr. Spraggon stumped back to his easy-chair. 'Well, now,' said he,
+seating himself comfortably in it, 'let's see where did we go first? "He
+broke at the lower end of the cover, and, crossing the brook, made straight
+for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which, you may say, "there's always a
+ravishing scent."' 'Have you got that?' asked Jack, after what he thought
+a sufficient lapse of time for writing it.
+
+'"Ravishing scent,"' repeated Sponge as he wrote the words.
+
+'Very good,' said Jack, smoking and considering. '"From there,"' continued
+he, '"he made a bit of a bend, as if inclining for the plantations at
+Winstead, but, changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing
+over nearly the highest part of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+little village of Berrington Roothings below."'
+
+'Stop!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I haven't got half that; I've only got to "the
+plantations at Winstead."' Sponge made play with his pen, and presently
+held it up in token of being done.
+
+'Well,' pondered Jack, 'there was a check there. Say,' continued he,
+addressing himself to Sponge, '"Here the hounds came to a check."'
+
+'Here the hounds came to a check,' wrote Sponge. 'Shall we say anything
+about distance?' asked he.
+
+'P'raps we may as well,' replied Jack. 'We shall have to stretch it though
+a bit.'
+
+'Let's see,' continued he; 'from the cover to Berrington Roothings over by
+Shillington Hill and Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows will be--say, two miles and
+a half or three miles at the most--call it four, well, four miles--say four
+miles in twelve minutes, twenty miles an hour,--too quick--four miles in
+fifteen minutes, sixteen miles an hour; no--I think p'raps it'll be safer
+to lump the distance at the end, and put in a place or two that nobody
+knows the name of, for the convenience of those who were not out.'
+
+'But those who _were_ out will blab, won't they?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Only to each other,' replied Jack. 'They'll all stand up for the truth of
+it as against strangers. You need never be afraid of over-eggin' the
+puddin' for those that were out.'
+
+'Well, then,' observed Sponge, looking at his paper to report progress,
+'we've got the hounds to a check. "Here the hounds came to a check,"' read
+he. 'Ah! now, then,' said Jack, in a tone of disgust, 'we must say summut
+handsome of Bragg; and of all conceited animals under the sun, he certainly
+is the most conceited. I never saw such a man! How that unfortunate,
+infatuated master of his keeps him, I can't for the life of me imagine.
+_Master_! faith, Bragg's the _master_,' continued Jack, who now began to
+foam at the mouth. 'He laughs at old Puff to his face; yet it's wonderful
+the influence Bragg has over him. I really believe he has talked Puff into
+believing that there's not such another huntsman under the sun, and really
+he's as great a muff as ever walked. He can just dress the character, and
+that's all.' So saying Jack wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his red coat
+preparatory to displaying Mr. Bragg upon paper.
+
+'Well, now we are at fault,' said Jack, motioning Sponge to resume; 'we are
+at fault; now say, "but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past mark of
+mouth--" He _is_ a good horse, at least _was_,' observed Jack, adding, 'I
+sold Puff him, he was one of old Sugarlip's,' meaning Lord Scamperdale's.
+
+'Sure to be a good 'un, then,' replied Sponge, with a wink, adding, 'I
+wonder if he'd like to buy any more?'
+
+'We'll talk about that after,' replied Jack, 'at present let us get on with
+our run.'
+
+'Well,' said Sponge, 'I've got it: "Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on
+his favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat past
+mark of mouth--"'
+
+'"Was well up with his hounds,"' continued Jack, '"and with a gently,
+Rantipole! and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to make one of those
+scientific casts for which this eminent huntsman is so justly celebrated."
+Justly _celebrated_!' repeated Jack, spitting on the carpet with a hawk of
+disgust; 'the conceited self-sufficient bantam-cock never made a cast worth
+a copper, or rode a yard but when he thought somebody was looking at him.'
+
+'I've got it,' said Sponge, who had plied his pen to good purpose.
+
+'Justly celebrated,' repeated Jack, with a snort. 'Well, then, say,
+"Hitting off the scent like a workman"--big H, you know, for a fresh
+sentence--"they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch farm
+buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn, he crossed
+Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right, and passing straight
+on by the gibbet at Harpen." Those are all bits of places, observed Jack,
+'that none but the country folks know; indeed, I shouldn't have known them
+but for shootin' over them when old Bloss lived at the Green. Well, now,
+have you got all that?' asked he.
+
+'"Gibbet at Harpen,"' read Sponge, as he wrote it.
+
+'"Here, then, the gallant pack, breaking from scent to view,"' continued
+Jack, speaking slowly, '"ran into their fox in the open close upon
+Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from the first, and into which a few
+more strides would have carried him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen,
+and the hunting of the hounds was the admiration of all who saw it. The
+distance couldn't have been less than"--than--what shall we say?' asked
+Jack.
+
+'Ten, twelve miles, as the crow flies,' suggested Sponge.
+
+'No,' said Jack,' that would be too much. Say ten'; adding, 'that will be
+four miles more than it was.'
+
+'Never mind,' said Sponge, as he wrote it; 'folks like good measure with
+runs as well as ribbons.'
+
+'Now we must butter old Puff,' observed Spraggon.
+
+'What can we say for him?' asked Sponge; 'that he never went off the road?'
+
+'No, by Jove!' said Jack; 'you'll spoil all if you do that: better leave it
+alone altogether than do that. Say, "the justly popular owner of this most
+celebrated pack, though riding good fourteen stone" (he rides far more,'
+observed Jack; 'at least sixteen; but it'll please him to make out that he
+_can_ ride fourteen), "led the welters, on his famous chestnut horse,
+Tappey Lappey."'
+
+'What shall we say about the rest?' asked Sponge; 'Lumpleg, Slapp, Guano,
+and all those?'
+
+[Illustration: JACK AND MR. SPONGE WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SWILLINGFORD
+PAPER]
+
+'Oh, say nothin',' replied Jack; 'we've nothin' to do with nobody but Puff,
+and we couldn't mention them without bringin' in our Flat Hat men
+too--Blossomnose, Fyle, Fossick, and so on. Besides, it would spoil all to
+say that Guano was up--people would say directly it couldn't have been much
+of a run if Guano was there. You might finish off,' observed Jack, after a
+pause, 'by saying that "after this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+like a thorough sportsman, and one who never trashes his hounds
+unnecessarily--unlike some masters," you may say, "who never know when to
+leave off" (that will be a hit at Old Scamp,' observed Jack, with a
+frightful squint), '"returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party
+of sportsmen--" or, say, "a distinguished party of noblemen and
+gentlemen"--that'll please the ass more--"a large party of noblemen and
+gentlemen were partaking of his"--his--what shall we call it?'
+
+'Grub!' said Sponge.
+
+'No, no--summut genteel--his--his--his--"splendid hospitality!"' concluded
+Jack, waving his arm triumphantly over his head.
+
+'Hard work, authorship!' exclaimed Sponge, as he finished writing, and
+threw down the pen.
+
+'Oh, I don't know,' replied Jack, adding, 'I could go on for an hour.'
+
+'Ah, _you_!--that's all very well,' replied Sponge, 'for you, squatting
+comfortably in your arm-chair: but consider me, toiling with my pen,
+bothered with the writing, and craning at the spelling.'
+
+'Never mind, we've done it,' replied Jack, adding, 'Puff'll be as pleased
+as Punch. We've polished him off uncommon. That's just the sort of account
+to tickle the beggar. He'll go riding about the country, showing it to
+everybody, and wondering who wrote it.'
+
+'And what shall we send it to?--the _Sporting Magazine_, or what?' asked
+Sponge.
+
+'_Sporting Magazine!_--no,' replied Jack; 'wouldn't be out till next
+year--quick's the word in these railway times. Send it to a
+newspaper--_Bell's Life_, or one of the Swillingford papers. Either of them
+would be glad to put it in.'
+
+'I hope they'll be able to read it,' observed Sponge, looking at the
+blotched and scrawled manuscript.
+
+'Trust them for that,' replied Jack, adding, 'If there's any word that
+bothers them, they've nothing to do but look in the dictionary--these folks
+all have dictionaries, wonderful fellows for spellin'.'
+
+Just then a little buttony page, in green and gold, came in to ask if there
+were any letters for the post; and our friends hastily made up their
+packet, directing it to the editor of the Swillingford 'GUIDE TO GLORY
+AND FREEMAN'S FRIEND'; words that in the hurried style of Mr. Sponge's
+penmanship looked very like 'GUIDE TO GROG, AND FREEMAN'S
+FRIEND.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+A LITERARY BLOOMER
+
+
+Time was when the independent borough of Swillingford supported two
+newspapers, or rather two editors, the editor of the _Swillingford
+Patriot_, and the editor of the _Swillingford Guide to Glory_; but those
+were stirring days, when politics ran high and votes and corn commanded
+good prices. The papers were never very prosperous concerns, as may be
+supposed when we say that the circulation of the former at its best time
+was barely seven hundred, while that of the latter never exceeded a
+thousand.
+
+They were both started at the reform times, when the reduction of the
+stamp-duty brought so many aspiring candidates for literary fame into the
+field, and for a time they were conducted with all the bitter hostility
+that a contracted neighbourhood, and a constant crossing by the editors of
+each other's path, could engender. The competition, too, for
+advertisements, was keen, and the editors were continually taunting each
+other with taking them for the duty alone. AEneas M'Quirter was the editor
+of the _Patriot_, and Felix Grimes that of the _Guide to Glory_.
+
+M'Quirter, we need hardly say, was a Scotsman--a big, broad-shouldered
+Sawney--formidable in 'slacks,' as he called his trousers, and terrific in
+kilts; while Grimes was a native of Swillingford, an ex-schoolmaster and
+parish clerk, and now an auctioneer, a hatter, a dyer and bleacher, a
+paper-hanger, to which the wits said when he set up his paper, he added the
+trade of 'stainer.'
+
+At first the rival editors carried on a 'war to the knife' sort of contest
+with one another, each denouncing his adversary in terms of the most
+unmeasured severity. In this they were warmly supported by a select knot of
+admirers, to whom they read their weekly effusions at their respective
+'houses of call' the evening before publication. Gradually the fire of
+bitterness began to pale, and the excitement of friends to die out;
+M'Quirter presently put forth a signal of distress. To accommodate 'a
+large and influential number of its subscribers and patrons,' he determined
+to publish on a Tuesday instead of on a Saturday as heretofore, whereupon
+Mr. Grimes, who had never been able to fill a single sheet properly, now
+doubled his paper, lowered his charge for advertisements, and hinted at his
+intention of publishing an occasional supplement.
+
+However exciting it may be for a time, parties soon tire of carrying on a
+losing game for the mere sake of abusing each other, and AEneas M'Quirter
+not being behind the generality of his countrymen in 'canniness' and
+shrewdness of intellect, came to the conclusion that it was no use doing so
+in this case, especially as the few remaining friends who still applauded
+would be very sorry to subscribe anything towards his losses. He therefore
+very quietly negotiated the sale of his paper to the rival editor, and
+having concluded a satisfactory bargain, he placed the bulk of his property
+in the poke of his plaid, and walked out of Swillingford just as if bent on
+taking the air, leaving Mr. Grimes in undisputed possession of both papers,
+who forthwith commenced leading both Whig and Tory mind, the one on the
+Tuesday, the other on the Saturday.
+
+The pot and pipe companions of course saw how things were, but the majority
+of the readers living in the country just continued to pin their faith to
+the printed declarations of their oracles, while Grimes kept up the
+delusion of sincerity by every now and then fulminating a tremendous
+denunciation against his trimming, vacillating, inconsistent opponent on
+the Tuesday, and then retaliating with equal vigour upon himself on the
+Saturday. He wrote his own 'leaders,' both Whig and Tory, the arguments of
+one side pointing out answers for the other. Sometimes he led the way for a
+triumphant refutal, while the general tone of the articles was quite of the
+'upset a ministry' style. Indeed, Grimes strutted and swaggered as if the
+fate of the nation rested with him.
+
+The papers themselves were not very flourishing-looking concerns, the
+wide-spread paragraphs, the staring type, the catching advertisements,
+forming a curious contrast to the close packing of _The Times_. The 'Gutta
+Percha Company,' 'Locock's Female Pills,' 'Keating's Cough Lozenges,' and
+the 'Triumphs of Medicine,' all with staring woodcuts and royal arms,
+occupied conspicuous places in every paper. A new advertisement was a
+novelty. However, the two papers answered a great deal better than either
+did singly, and any lack of matter was easily supplied from the magazines
+and new books. In this department, indeed, in the department of elegant
+light literature generally, Mr. Grimes was ably assisted by his eldest
+daughter, Lucy, a young lady of a certain age--say liberal thirty--an
+ardent Bloomer--with a considerable taste for sentimental poetry, with
+which she generally filled the poet's corner. This assistance enabled
+Grimes to look after his auctioneering, bleaching, and paper-hanging
+concerns, and it so happened that when the foregoing run arrived at the
+office he, having seen the next paper ready for press, had gone to Mr.
+Vosper's, some ten miles off, to paper his drawing-room, consequently the
+duties of deciding upon its publication devolved on the Bloomer. Now, she
+was a most refined, puritanical young woman, full of sentiment and
+elegance, with a strong objection to what she considered the inhumanities
+of the chase. At first she was for rejecting the article altogether, and
+had it been a run with the Tinglebury Harriers, or even, we believe, with
+Lord Scamperdale's hounds, she would have consigned it to the 'Balaam box,'
+but seeing it was with Mr. Puffington's hounds, whose house they had
+papered, and who advertised with them, she condescended to read it; and
+though her delicacy was shocked at encountering the word 'stunning' at the
+outset, and also at the term 'ravishing scent' farther on, she nevertheless
+sent the manuscript to the compositors, after making such alterations and
+corrections as she thought would fit it for eyes polite. The consequence
+was that the article appeared in the following form, though whether all the
+absurdities were owing to Miss Lucy's corrections, or the carelessness of
+the writer, or the printers, had anything to do with it, we are not able to
+say. The errors, some of them arising from the mere alteration or
+substitution of a letter, will strike a sporting more than a general
+reader. Thus it appeared in the middle of the third sheet of the
+_Swillingford Patriot_:
+
+    SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S HOUNDS.
+
+    This splendid pack had a superb run from Hollyburn Hanger, the
+    property of its truly popular and sporting owner, Mr. Puffington.
+    A splendid field of well-appointed sportsmen, among whom we
+    recognized several distinguished strangers, and members of Lord
+    Scamperdale's hunt, were present. After partaking of the
+    well-known profuse and splendid hospitality of Hanby House, they
+    proceeded at once to Hollyburn Hanger, where a fine seasonal fox,
+    though some said he was a bay one, broke away in view of the whole
+    pack, every hound scorning to cry, and making the welkin ring with
+    their melody. He broke at the lower end of the cover, and crossing
+    the brook, made straight for Fleecyhaugh Water Meadows, over which
+    there is always an exquisite perfume; from there he made a slight
+    bend, as if inclining for the plantations at Winstead, but
+    changing his mind, he faced the rising ground, and crossing over
+    nearly the highest point of Shillington Hill, made direct for the
+    little village of Berrington Roothings below. Here the hounds came
+    to a check, but Mr. Bragg, who had ridden gallantly on his
+    favourite bay, as fine an animal as ever went, though somewhat
+    past work of mouth, was well up with his hounds, and with a
+    'gentle rantipole!' and a single wave of his arm, proceeded to
+    make one of those scientific rests for which this eminent huntsman
+    is so justly celebrated. Hitting off the scent like a coachman,
+    they went away again at score, and passing by Moorlinch Farm
+    buildings, and threading the strip of plantation by Bexley Burn,
+    he crossed Silverbury Green, leaving Longford Hutch to the right,
+    and passing straight on by the gibbet at Harpen. Here, then, the
+    gallant pack, breaking from scent to view, ran into their box in
+    the open close upon Mountnessing Wood, evidently his point from
+    the first, and into which a few more strides would have carried
+    him. It was as fine a run as ever was seen, and the grunting of
+    the hounds was the admiration of all who heard it. The distance
+    could not have been less than ten miles as a cow goes. The justly
+    popular owner of this most celebrated pack, though riding good
+    fourteen stones, led the Walters on his famous chestnut horse
+    Tappy Lappey. After this truly brilliant affair, Mr. Puffington,
+    like a thorough sportsman, and one who never thrashes his hounds
+    unnecessarily--unlike some masters who never know when to leave
+    off--returned to Hanby House, where a distinguished party of
+    noblemen and gentlemen partook of his splendid hospitality.
+
+And the considerate Bloomer added of her own accord, 'We hope we shall have
+to record many such runs in the imperishable columns of our paper.'
+
+[Illustration: MISS GRIMES GIVING THE 'CORRECTED' COPY TO THE PRINTER]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+A DINNER AND A DEAL
+
+
+Another grand dinner, on a more extensive scale than its predecessor,
+marked the day of this glorious run.
+
+'There's goin' to be a great blow-out,' observed Mr. Spraggon to Mr.
+Sponge, as, crossing his hands and resting them on the crown of his head,
+he threw himself back in his easy-chair, to recruit after the exertion of
+concocting the description of the run.
+
+'How d'ye know?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Saw by the dinner table as we passed,' replied Jack, adding, 'it reaches
+nearly to the door.'
+
+'Indeed,' said Sponge, 'I wonder who's coming?'
+
+'Most likely Guano again; indeed, I know he is, for I asked his groom if he
+was going home, and he said no; and Lumpleg, you may be sure, and possibly
+old Blossomnose, Slapp, and, very likely, young Pacey.'
+
+'Are they chaps with any "go" in them?--shake their elbows, or anything of
+that sort?' asked Sponge, working away as if he had the dice-box in his
+hand.
+
+'I hardly know,' replied Jack thoughtfully. 'I hardly know. Young Pacey, I
+think, might be made summut on; but his uncle, Major Screw, looks uncommon
+sharp after him, and he's a minor.'
+
+'Would he _pay_?' asked Sponge, who, keeping as he said, 'no books,' was
+not inclined to do business on 'tick.'
+
+'Don't know,' replied Jack, squinting at half-cock; 'don't know--would
+depend a good deal, I should say, upon how it was done. It's a deuced
+unhandsome world this. If one wins a trifle of a youngster at cards, let it
+be ever so openly done, it's sure to say one's cheated him, just because
+one happens to be a little older, as if age had anything to do with making
+the cards come right.'
+
+'It's an ungenerous world,' observed Sponge, 'and it's no use being abused
+for nothing. What sort of a genius is Pacey? Is he inclined to go the
+pace?'
+
+'Oh, quite,' replied Jack; 'his great desire is to be thought a
+sportsman.'
+
+'A sportsman or a sporting man?' asked Sponge.
+
+'W-h-o-y! I should say p'raps a sportin' man more than the sportsman,'
+replied Jack. 'He's a great lumberin' lad, buttons his great stomach into a
+Newmarket cutaway, and carries a betting-book in his breast pocket.'
+
+'Oh, he's a bettor, is he!' exclaimed Sponge, brightening up.
+
+'He's a raw poult of a chap,' replied Jack; 'just ready for anything--in a
+small way, at least--a chap that's always offering two to one in
+half-crowns. He'll have money, though, and can't be far off age. His father
+was a great spectacle-maker. You have heard of Pacey's spectacles?'
+
+'Can't say as how I have,' replied Sponge, adding, 'they are more in your
+line than mine.'
+
+The further consideration of the youth was interrupted by the entrance of a
+footman with hot water, who announced that dinner would be ready in half an
+hour.
+
+'Who's there coming?' asked Jack.
+
+'Don't know 'xactly, sir,' replied the man; 'believe much the same party as
+yesterday, with the addition of Mr. Pacey; Mr. Miller, of Newton; Mr. Fogo,
+of Bellevue; Mr. Brown, of the Hill; and some others whose names I forget.'
+
+'Is Major Screw coming?' asked Sponge.
+
+'I rayther think not, sir. I think I heard Mr. Plummey, the butler, say he
+declined.'
+
+'So much the better,' growled Jack, throwing off his purple-lapped coat in
+commencement of his toilette. As the two dressed they discussed the point
+how Pacey might be done.
+
+When our friends got downstairs it was evident there was a great spread.
+Two red-plushed footmen stood on guard in the entrance, helping the
+arrivers out of their wraps, while a buzz of conversation sounded through
+the partially opened drawing-room door, as Mr. Plummey stood, handle in
+hand, to announce the names of the guests. Our friends, having the entree,
+of course passed in as at home, and mingled with the comers and stayers.
+Guest after guest quickly followed, almost all making the same
+observation, namely, that it was a fine day for the time of year, and then
+each sidled off, rubbing his hands, to the fire. Captain Guano monopolized
+about one-half of it, like a Colossus of Rhodes, with a coat-lap under each
+arm. He seemed to think that, being a stayer, he had more right to the fire
+than the mere diners.
+
+Mr. Puffington moved briskly among the motley throng, now expatiating on
+the splendour of the run, now hoping a friend was hungry, asking a third
+after his wife, and apologizing to a fourth for not having called on his
+sister. Still his real thoughts were in the kitchen, and he kept counting
+noses and looking anxiously at the timepiece. After the door had had a
+longer rest than usual, Blossomnose at last cast up: 'Now we're all here
+surely!' thought he, counting about; 'one, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen,
+myself fifteen--fifteen, fifteen, must be another--sixteen, eight couple
+asked. Oh, that Pacey's wanting; always comes late, won't wait'--so saying,
+or rather thinking, Mr. Puffington rang the bell and ordered dinner. Pacey
+then cast up.
+
+He was just the sort of swaggering youth that Jack had described; a youth
+who thought money would do everything in the world--make him a gentleman,
+in short. He came rolling into the room, grinning as if he had done
+something fine in being late. He had both his great red hands in his tight
+trouser pockets, and drew the right one out to favour his friends with it
+'all hot.'
+
+'I'm late, I guess,' said he, grinning round at the assembled guests, now
+dispersed in the various attitudes of expectant eaters, some standing ready
+for a start, some half-sitting on tables and sofa ends, others resigning
+themselves complacently to their chairs, abusing Mr. Pacey and all dinner
+delayers.
+
+'I'm late, I guess,' repeated he, as he now got navigated up to his host
+and held out his hand.
+
+'Oh, never mind,' replied Puffington, accepting as little of the proffered
+paw as he could; 'never mind,' repeated he, adding, as he looked at the
+French clock on the mantelpiece now chiming a quarter past six, 'I dare say
+I told you we dined at half-past five.'
+
+'Dare say you did, old boy,' replied Pacey, kicking out his legs, and
+giving Puffington what he meant for a friendly poke in the stomach, but
+which in reality nearly knocked his wind out; 'dare say you did, old boy,
+but so you did last time, if you remember, and deuce a bite
+did I get before six; so I thought I'd be quits with you
+this--_he--he--he--haw--haw--haw_,' grinning and staring about as if he had
+done something very clever.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PACEY]
+
+Pacey was one of those deplorable beings--a country swell. Tomkins and
+Hopkins, the haberdashers of Swillingford, never exhibited an ugly
+out-of-the-way neckcloth or waistcoat with the words 'patronized by the
+Prince,' 'very fashionable,' or 'quite the go,' upon them, but he
+immediately adorned himself in one. On the present occasion he was attired
+in a wide-stretching, lace-tipped, black Joinville, with recumbent gills,
+showing the heavy amplitude of his enormous jaws, while the extreme
+scooping out of a collarless, flashy-buttoned, chain-daubed, black silk
+waistcoat, with broad blue stripes, afforded an uninterrupted view of a
+costly embroidered shirt, the view extending, indeed, up to a portion of
+his white satin 'forget-me-not' embroidered braces. His coat was a
+broad-sterned, brass-buttoned blue, with pockets outside, and of course he
+wore a pair of creaking highly varnished boots. He was apparently, about
+twenty; just about the age when a youth thinks it fine to associate with
+men, and an age at which some men are not above taking advantage of a
+youth. Perhaps he looked rather older than he was, for he was stiff built
+and strong, with an ample crop of whiskers extending from his great red
+docken ears round his harvest moon of a face. He was lumpy, and clumsy, and
+heavy all over. Having now got inducted, he began to stare round the party,
+and first addressed our worthy friend Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Well, Sprag, how are you?' asked he.
+
+'Well, Specs' (alluding to his father's trade), 'how are you?' replied
+Jack, with a growl, to the evident satisfaction of the party, who seemed to
+regard Pacey as the common enemy.
+
+Fortunately just at the moment Mr. Plummey restored harmony by announcing
+dinner; and after the usual backing and retiring of mock modesty, Mr.
+Puffington said he would 'show them the way,' when there was as great a
+rush to get in, to avoid the bugbear of sitting with their backs to the
+fire, as there had been apparent disposition not to go at all.
+Notwithstanding the unfavourable aspect of affairs, Mr. Spraggon placed
+himself next Mr. Pacey, who sat a good way down the table, while Mr. Sponge
+occupied the post of honour by our host.
+
+In accordance with the usual tactics of these sort of gentlemen, Spraggon
+and Sponge essayed to be two--if not exactly strangers, at all events
+gentlemen with very little acquaintance. Spraggon took advantage of a dead
+silence to call up the table to _Mister_ Sponge to take wine; a compliment
+that Sponge acknowledged the accordance of by a very low bow into his
+plate, and by-and-by Mister Sponge 'Mistered' Mr. Spraggon to return the
+compliment.
+
+'Do you know much of that--that--that--_chap_?' (he would have said snob if
+he'd thought it would be safe) asked Pacey, as Sponge returned to still
+life after the first wine ceremony.
+
+'No,' replied Spraggon, 'nor do I wish.'
+
+'Great snob,' observed Pacey.
+
+'Shocking,' assented Spraggon.
+
+'He's got a good horse or two, though,' observed Pacey; 'I saw them on the
+road coming here the other day.' Pacey, like many youngsters, professed to
+be a judge of horses, and thought himself rather sharp at a deal.
+
+'They are _good_ horses,' replied Jack, with an emphasis on the good,
+adding, 'I'd be very glad to have one of them.'
+
+Mr. Spraggon then asked Mr. Pacey to take champagne, as the commencement of
+a better understanding.
+
+The wine flowed freely, and the guests, particularly the fresh infusion,
+did ample justice to it. The guests of the day before, having indulged
+somewhat freely, were more moderate at first, though they seemed well
+inclined to do their best after they got their stomachs a little restored.
+Spraggon could drink any given quantity at any time.
+
+The conversation got brisker and brisker: and before the cloth was drawn
+there was a very general clamour, in which all sorts of subjects seemed to
+be mixed--each man addressing himself to his immediate neighbour; one
+talking of taxes--another of tares--a third, of hunting and the system of
+kennel--a fourth, of the corn-laws--old Blossomnose, about tithes--Slapp,
+about timber and water-jumping--Miller, about Collison's pills; and Guano,
+about anything that he could get a word edged in about. Great, indeed, was
+the hubbub. Gradually, however, as the evening advanced Pacey and Guano
+out-talked the rest, and at length Pacey got the noise pretty well to
+himself. When anything definite could be extracted from the mass of
+confusion, he was expatiating on steeple-chasing, hurdle-racing, weights
+for age, ons and offs clever--a sort of mixture of hunting, racing, and
+'Alken.'
+
+Sponge cocked his ear, and sat on the watch, occasionally hazarding an
+observation, while Jack, who was next Pacey, on the left, pretended to
+decry Sponge's judgement, asking _sotto voce_, with a whiff through his
+nose, what such a Cockney as that could know about horses? What between
+Jack's encouragement, and the inspiring influence of the bottle, aided by
+his own self-sufficiency, Pacey began to look upon Sponge with anything but
+admiration; and at last it occurred to him that he would be a very proper
+subject to, what he called, 'take the shine out of.'
+
+'That isn't a bad-like nag, that chestnut of yours, for the wheeler of a
+coach, Mr. Sponge,' exclaimed he, at the instigation of Spraggon, to our
+friend, producing, of course, a loud guffaw from the party.
+
+'No, he isn't,' replied Sponge coolly, adding, 'very like one, I should
+say.'
+
+'Devilish _good_ horse,' growled Jack in Pacey's ear.
+
+'Oh, I dare say,' whispered Pacey, pretending to be scraping up the orange
+syrup in his plate, adding, 'I'm only chaffing the beggar.'
+
+'He looks solitary without the coach at his tail,' continued Pacey, looking
+up, and again addressing Sponge up the table.
+
+'He does,' affirmed Sponge, amidst the laughter of the party.
+
+Pacey didn't know how to take this; whether as a 'sell' or a compliment to
+his own wit. He sat for a few seconds grinning and staring like a fool; at
+last after gulping down a bumper of claret, he again fixed his unmeaning
+green eyes upon Sponge, and exclaimed:
+
+'I'll challenge your horse, Mr. Sponge.'
+
+A burst of applause followed the announcement; for it was evident that
+amusement was in store.
+
+'You'll w-h-a-w-t?' replied Sponge, staring, and pretending ignorance.
+
+'I'll challenge your horse,' repeated Pacey with confidence, and in a tone
+that stopped the lingering murmur of conversation, and fixed the attention
+of the company on himself.
+
+'I don't understand you,' replied Sponge, pretending astonishment.
+
+'Lor bless us! why, where have you lived all your life?' asked Pacey.
+
+'Oh, partly in one place, and partly in another,' was the answer.
+
+'I should think so,' replied Pacey, with a look of compassion, adding, in
+an undertone, 'a good deal with your mother, I should think.'
+
+'If you could get that horse at a moderate figure,' whispered Jack to his
+neighbour, and squinting his eyes inside out as he spoke, 'he's well worth
+having.'
+
+'The beggar won't sell him,' muttered Pacey, who was fonder of talking
+about buying horses than of buying them.
+
+'Oh yes, he will,' replied Jack; 'he didn't understand what you meant. Mr.
+Sponge,' said he, addressing himself slowly and distinctly up the table to
+our hero--'Mr. Sponge, my friend Mr. Pacey here challenges your chestnut.'
+
+Sponge still stared in well-feigned astonishment.
+
+'It's a custom we have in this country,' continued Jack, looking, as he
+thought, at Sponge, but, in reality, squinting most frightfully at the
+sideboard.
+
+'Do you mean he wants to buy him?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Yes,' replied Jack confidently.
+
+'No, I don't,' whispered Pacey, giving Jack a kick under the table. Pacey
+had not yet drunk sufficient wine to be rash.
+
+'Yes, yes,' replied Jack tartly, 'you do,' adding, in an undertone, 'leave
+it to me, man, and I'll let you in for a good thing. Yes, Mr. Sponge,'
+continued he, addressing himself to our hero, 'Mr. Pacey fancies the
+chestnut and challenges him.'
+
+'Why doesn't he ask the price?' replied Sponge, who was always ready for a
+deal.
+
+'Ah, the price must be left to a third party,' said Jack. 'The principle of
+the thing is this,' continued he, enlisting the aid of his fingers to
+illustrate his position: 'Mr. Pacey, here,' said he, applying the
+forefinger of his right hand to the thumb of the left, looking earnestly at
+Sponge, but in reality squinting up at the chandelier--'Mr. Pacey here
+challenges your horse Multum-in-somethin'--I forget what you said you call
+him--but the nag I rode to-day. Well, then,' continued Jack, 'you'
+(demonstrating Sponge by pressing his two forefingers together, and holding
+them erect) 'accept the challenge, but can challenge anything Mr. Pacey
+has--a horse, dog, gun--anything; and, having fixed on somethin' then a
+third party' (who Jack represented by cocking up his thumb), 'any one you
+like to name, makes the award. Well, having agreed upon that party' (Jack
+still cocking up the thumb to represent the arbitrator), 'he says, "Give
+me money." The two then put, say half a crown or five shillin's each, into
+his hand, to which the arbitrator adds the same sum for himself. That being
+done, the arbitrator says, "Hands in pockets, gen'lemen."' (Jack diving his
+right hand up to the hilt in his own.) 'If this be an award, Mr. Pacey's
+horse gives Mr. Sponge's horse so much--draw.' (Jack suiting the action to
+the word, and laying his fist on the table.) 'If each person's hand
+contains money, it is an award--it is a deal; and the arbitrator gets the
+half-crowns, or whatever it is, for his trouble; so that, in course, he has
+a direct interest in makin' such an award as will lead to a deal. _Now_ do
+you understand?' continued Jack, addressing himself earnestly to Sponge.
+
+'I think I do,' replied Sponge who had been at the game pretty often.
+
+'Well, then,' continued Jack, reverting to his original position, 'my
+friend, Mr. Pacey here, challenges your chestnut.'
+
+'No, never mind,' muttered Pacey peevishly, in an undertone, with a frown
+on his face, giving Jack a dig in the ribs with his elbow. 'Never mind,'
+repeated he; '_I_ don't care about it--_I_ don't want the horse.'
+
+'But _I_ do,' growled Jack, adding, in an undertone also, as he stooped for
+his napkin, 'don't spoil sport, man; he's as good a horse as ever stepped;
+and if you'll challenge him, I'll stand between you and danger.'
+
+'But he may challenge something I don't want to part with,' observed Pacey.
+
+'Then you've nothin' to do,' replied Jack, 'but bring up your hand without
+any money in it.'
+
+'Ah! I forgot,' replied Pacey, who did not like not to appear what he
+called 'fly.' 'Well, then, I challenge your chestnut!' exclaimed he,
+perking up, and shouting up the table to Sponge.
+
+'Good!' replied our friend. 'I challenge your watch and chain, then,'
+looking at Pacey's chain-daubed vest.
+
+'Name _me_ arbitrator,' muttered Jack, as he again stooped for his napkin.
+
+'Who shall handicap us? Captain Guano, Mr. Lumpleg, or who?' asked Sponge.
+
+'Suppose we say Spraggon?--he says he rode the horse to-day,' replied
+Pacey.
+
+'Quite agreeable,' said Sponge.
+
+'Now, Jack!' 'Now, Spraggon!' 'Now, old Solomon!' 'Now, Doctor Wiseman,'
+resounded from different parts of the table.
+
+Jack looked solemn; and diving both hands into his breeches' pockets, stuck
+out his legs extensively before him.
+
+'Give me money,' said he pompously. They each handed him half a crown; and
+Jack added a third for himself. 'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut
+horse, and Mr. Sponge challenges Mr. Pacey's gold watch,' observed Jack
+sententiously.
+
+'Come, old Slowman, go on!' exclaimed Guano, adding, 'have you got no
+further than that?'
+
+'Hurry no man's cattle,' replied Jack tartly, adding, 'you may keep a
+donkey yourself some day.'
+
+'Mr. Pacey challenges Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse,' repeated Jack. 'How old
+is the chestnut, Mr. Sponge?' added he, addressing himself to our friend.
+
+'Upon my word I hardly know,' replied Sponge, 'he's past mark of mouth; but
+I think a hunter's age has very little to do with his worth.'
+
+'Who-y, that depends,' rejoined Jack, blowing out his cheeks, and looking
+as pompous as possible--'that depends a good deal upon how he's been used
+in his youth.'
+
+'He's about nine, I should say,' observed Sponge, pretending to have been
+calculating, though, in reality, he knew nothing whatever about the horse's
+age. 'Say nine, or rising ten, and never did a day's work till he was six.'
+
+'Indeed!' said Jack, with an important bow, adding, 'being easy with them
+at the beginnin' puts on a deal to the end. Perfect hunter, I s'pose?'
+
+'Why, you can judge of that yourself,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Perfect hunter, _I_ should say,' rejoined Jack, 'and steady at his
+fences--don't know that I ever rode a better fencer. Well,' continued he,
+having apparently pondered all that over in his mind, 'I must trouble you
+to let me look at your ticker,' said he, turning short round on his
+neighbour.
+
+'There,' said Mr. Pacey, producing a fine flash watch from his
+waistcoat-pocket, and holding it to Jack.
+
+'The chain's included in the challenge, mind,' observed Sponge.
+
+'In course,' said Jack; 'it's what the pawnbrokers call a watch with its
+appurts.' (Jack had his watch at his uncle's and knew the terms exactly.)
+
+'It's a repeater, mind,' observed Pacey, taking off the chain.
+
+'The chain's heavy,' said Jack, running it up in his hand; 'and here's a
+pistol-key and a beautiful pencil-case, with the Pacey crest and motto,'
+observed Jack, trying to decipher the latter. 'If it had been without the
+words, whatever they are,' said he, giving up the attempt, 'it would have
+been worth more, but the gold's fine, and a new stone can easily be put
+in.'
+
+He then pulled an old hunting-card out of his pocket, and proceeded to make
+sundry calculations and estimates in pencil on the back.
+
+'Well, now,' said he, at length, looking up, 'I should say, such a watch as
+that and appurts,' holding them up, 'couldn't be bought in a shop under
+eight-and-twenty pund.'
+
+'It cost five-and-thirty,' observed Mr. Pacey.
+
+'Did it!' rejoined Jack, adding, 'then you were done.'
+
+Jack then proceeded to do a little more arithmetic, during which process
+Mr. Puffington passed the wine and gave as a toast--'Success to the
+handicap.'
+
+'Well,' at length said Jack, having apparently struck a balance, 'hands in
+pocket, gen'lemen. If this is an award, Mr. Pacey's gold watch and appurts
+gives Mr. Sponge's chestnut horse seventy golden sovereigns. Show money,'
+whispered Jack to Pacey, adding, 'I'll stand the shot.'
+
+'Stop!' roared Guano, 'do either of you sport your hand?'
+
+'Yes, I do,' replied Mr. Pacey coolly.
+
+'And I,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Hold hard, then, gen'lemen!' roared Jack, getting excited, and beginning
+to foam. 'Hold hard, gen'lemen!' repeated he, just as he was in the habit
+of roaring at the troublesome customers in Lord Scamperdale's field; 'Mr.
+Pacey and Mr. Sponge both sport their hands.'
+
+'I'll lay a guinea Pacey doesn't hold money,' exclaimed Guano.
+
+'Done!' exclaimed Parson Blossomnose.
+
+'I'll bet it does,' observed Charley Slapp.
+
+'I'll take you,' replied Mr. Miller.
+
+Then the hubbub of betting commenced, and raged with fury for a short time;
+some betting sovereigns, some half-sovereigns, other half-crowns and
+shillings, as to whether the hands of one or both held money.
+
+Givers and takers being at length accommodated, perfect silence at length
+reigned, and all eyes turned upon the double fists of the respective
+champions.
+
+Jack having adjusted his great tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, and put on
+a most consequential air, inquired, like a gambling-house keeper, if they
+were 'All done'--had all 'made their game?' And 'Yes! yes! yes!' resounded
+from all quarters.
+
+'Then, gen'lemen,' said Jack, addressing Pacey and Sponge, who still kept
+their closed hands on the table, '_show_!'
+
+At the word, their hands opened, and each held money.
+
+'A deal! a deal! a deal!' resounded through the room, accompanied with
+clapping of hands, thumping of the table, and dancing of glasses. 'You owe
+me a guinea,' exclaimed one. 'I want half a sovereign of you,' roared
+another. 'Here's my half-crown,' said a third, handing one across the table
+to the fortunate winner. A general settlement took place, in the midst of
+which the 'watch and appurts' were handed to Mr. Sponge.
+
+'We'll drink Mr. Pacey's health,' said Mr. Puffington, helping himself to a
+bumper, and passing the lately replenished decanters. 'He's done the thing
+like a sportsman, and deserves to have luck with his deal. Your good
+health, Mr. Pacey!' continued he, addressing himself specifically to our
+friend, 'and luck to your horse.'
+
+'Your good health, Mr. Pacey--your good health, Mr. Pacey--your good
+health, Mr. Pacey,' then followed in the various intonations that mark the
+feelings of the speaker towards the toastee, as the bottles passed round
+the table.
+
+The excitement seemed to have given fresh zest to the wine, and those who
+had been shirking, or filling on heel-taps, now began filling bumpers,
+while those who always filled bumpers now took back hands.
+
+There is something about horse-dealing that seems to interest every one.
+Conversation took a brisk turn, and nothing but the darkness of the night
+prevented their having the horse out and trying him. Pacey wanted him
+brought into the dining-room, _a la_ Briggs, but Puff wouldn't stand that.
+The transfer seemed to have invested the animal with supernatural charms,
+and those who in general cared nothing about horses wanted to have a sight
+of him.
+
+Toasting having commenced, as usual, it was proceeded with. Sponge's health
+followed that of Mr. Pacey's, Mr. Puffington availing himself of the
+opportunity afforded by proposing it, of expressing the gratification it
+afforded himself and all true sportsmen to see so distinguished a character
+in the country; and he concluded by hoping that the diminution of his stud
+would not interfere with the length of his visit--a toast that was drunk
+with great applause.
+
+Mr. Sponge replied by saying, 'That he certainly had not intended parting
+with his horse, though one more or less was neither here nor there,
+especially in these railway times, when a man had nothing to do but take a
+half-guinea's worth of electric wire, and have another horse in less than
+no time; but Mr. Pacey having taken a fancy to the horse, he had been more
+accommodating to him than he had to his friend, Mr. Spraggon, if he would
+allow him to call him so (Jack squinted and bowed assent), who,' continued
+Mr. Sponge, 'had in vain attempted that morning to get him to put a price
+upon him.'
+
+'Very true,' whispered Jack to Pacey, with a feel of the elbow in his ribs,
+adding, in an undertone, 'the beggar doesn't think I've got him in spite of
+him, though.'
+
+'The horse,' Mr. Sponge continued, 'was an undeniable good 'un, and he
+wished Mr. Pacey joy of his bargain.'
+
+This venture having been so successful, others attempted similar means,
+appointing Mr. Spraggon the arbitrator. Captain Guano challenged Mr. Fogo's
+phaeton, while Mr. Fogo retaliated upon the captain's chestnut horse; but
+the captain did not hold money to the award. Blossomnose challenged Mr.
+Miller's pig; but the latter could not be induced to claim anything of the
+worthy rector's for Mr. Spraggon to exercise his appraising talents upon.
+After an evening of much noise and confusion, the wine-heated party at last
+broke up--the staying company retiring to their couches, and the outlying
+ones finding their ways home as best they could.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+THE MORNING'S REFLECTIONS
+
+
+When young Pacey awoke in the morning he had a very bad headache, and his
+temples throbbed as if the veins would burst their bounds. The first thing
+that recalled the actual position of affairs to his mind was feeling under
+the pillow for his watch: a fruitless search that ended in recalling
+something of the overnight's proceedings.
+
+Pacey liked a cheap flash, and when elated with wine might be betrayed into
+indiscretions that his soberer moments were proof against. Indeed, among
+youths of his own age he was reckoned rather a sharp hand; and it was the
+vanity of associating with men, and wishing to appear a match for them,
+that occasionally brought him into trouble. In a general way, he was a very
+cautious hand.
+
+He now lay tumbling and tossing about in bed, and little by little he laid
+together the outline of the evening's proceedings, beginning with his
+challenging Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and ending with the resignation of his
+watch and chain. He thought he was wrong to do anything of the sort. He
+didn't want the horse, not he. What should he do with him? he had one more
+than he wanted as it was. Then, paying for him seventy sovereigns! confound
+it, it would be very inconvenient--_most_ inconvenient--indeed, he
+couldn't do it, so there was an end of it. The facilities of carrying out
+after-dinner transactions frequently vanish with the morning's sun. So it
+was with Mr. Pacey. Then he began to think how to get out of it. Should he
+tell Mr. Sponge candidly the state of his finances, and trust to his
+generosity for letting him off? Was Mr. Sponge a likely man to do it? He
+thought he was. But, then, would he blab? He thought he would, and that
+would blow him among those by whom he wished to be thought knowing, a man
+not to be done. Altogether he was very much perplexed: seventy pounds was a
+vast of money; and then there was his watch gone, too! a hundred and more
+altogether. He must have been drunk to do it--_very_ drunk, he should say;
+and then he began to think whether he had not better treat it as an
+after-dinner frolic, and pretend to forget all about it. That seemed
+feasible.
+
+All at once it occurred to Pacey that Mr. Spraggon was the purchaser, and
+that he was only a middle-man. His headache forsook him for the moment, and
+he felt a new man. It was clearly the case, and bit by bit he recollected
+all about it. How Jack had told him to challenge the horse, and he would
+stand to the bargain; how he had whispered him (Pacey) to name him (Jack)
+arbitrator; and how he had done so, and Jack had made the award. Then he
+began to think that the horse must be a good one, as Jack would not set too
+high a price on him, seeing that he was the purchaser. Then he wondered
+that he had put enough on to induce Sponge to sell him: that rather puzzled
+him. He lay a long time tossing, and proing and coning, without being able
+to arrive at any satisfactory solution of the matter. At last he rang his
+bell, and finding it was eight o'clock he got up, and proceeded to dress
+himself; which operation being accomplished, he sought Jack's room, to have
+a little confidential conversation with him on the subject, and arrange
+about paying Sponge for the horse, without letting out who was the
+purchaser.
+
+Jack was snoring, with his great mouth wide open, and his grizzly head
+enveloped in a white cotton nightcap. The noise of Pacey entering awoke
+him.
+
+'Well, old boy' growled he, turning over as soon as he saw who it was,
+'what are you up to?'
+
+'Oh, nothing particular,' replied Mr. Pacey, in a careless sort of tone.
+
+'Then make yourself scarce, or I'll baptize you in a way you won't like,'
+growled Jack, diving under the bedclothes.
+
+'Oh, why I just wanted to have--have half a dozen words with you about our
+last night's' (ha--hem--haw!) 'handicap, you know--about the horse, you
+know.'
+
+'About the w-h-a-w-t?' drawled Jack, as if perfectly ignorant of what Pacey
+was talking about.
+
+'About the horse, you know--about Mr. Sponge's horse, you know--that you
+got me to challenge for you, you know,' stammered Pacey.
+
+'Oh, dash it, the chap's drunk,' growled Jack aloud to himself, adding to
+Pacey, 'you shouldn't get up so soon, man--sleep the drink off.'
+
+Pacey stood nonplussed.
+
+'Don't you remember, Mr. Spraggon,' at last asked he, after watching the
+tassel of Jack's cap peeping above the bedclothes, 'what took place last
+night, you know? You asked me to get you Mr. Sponge's chestnut, and you
+know I did, you know.'
+
+'Hout, lad, disperse!--get out of this!' exclaimed Jack, starting his great
+red face above the bedclothes and squinting frightfully at Pacey.
+
+'Well, my dear friend, but you did,' observed Pacey soothingly.
+
+'Nonsense!' roared Jack, again ducking under.
+
+Pacey stood agape.
+
+'Come!' exclaimed Jack, again starting up, 'cut your stick!--be off!--make
+yourself scarce!--give your rags a gallop, in short!--don't be after
+disturbin' a gen'leman of fortin's rest in this way.'
+
+'But, my dear Mr. Spraggon,' resumed Pacey, in the same gentle tone, 'you
+surely forget what you asked me to do.'
+
+'_I do_,' replied Jack firmly.
+
+'Well, but, my dear Mr. Spraggon, if you'll have the kindness to
+recollect--to consider--to reflect on what passed, you'll surely remember
+commissioning me to challenge Mr. Sponge's horse for you?'
+
+'_Me!_' exclaimed Jack, bouncing up in bed, and sitting squinting
+furiously. '_Me!_' repeated he; '_un_possible. How could _I_ do such a
+thing? Why, I handicap'd him, man, for you, man?'
+
+'You told me, for all that,' replied Mr. Pacey, with a jerk of the head.
+
+'Oh, by Jove!' exclaimed Jack, taking his cap by the tassel, and twisting
+it off his head,' that won't do!--downright impeachment of one's integrity.
+Oh, by Jingo! that won't do!' motioning as if he was going to bounce out of
+bed; 'can't stand that--impeach one's integrity, you know, better take
+one's life, you know. Life without honour's nothin', you know. Cock
+Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!'
+
+'Oh, I assure you, I didn't mean anything of that sort,' exclaimed Mr.
+Pacey, frightened at Jack's vehemence, and the way in which he now foamed
+at the mouth, and flourished his nightcap about. 'Oh, I assure you, I
+didn't mean anything of that sort,' repeated he, 'only I thought p'raps you
+mightn't recollect all that had passed, p'raps; and if we were to talk
+matters quietly over, by putting that and that together, we might assist
+each other and--'
+
+'Oh, by Jove!' interrupted Jack, dashing his nightcap against the bedpost,
+'too late for anything of that sort, sir--_down_right impeachment of one's
+integrity, sir--must be settled another way, sir.'
+
+'But, I assure you, you mistake!' exclaimed Pacey.
+
+'Rot your mistakes!' interrupted Jack; 'there's no mistake in the matter.
+You've _reg_larly impeached my integrity--blood of the Spraggons won't
+stand that. "Death before Dishonour!"' shouted he, at the top of his voice,
+flourishing his nightcap over his head, and then dashing it on to the
+middle of the floor.
+
+'What's the matter?--what's the matter?--what's the matter?' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge, rushing through the connecting door. 'What's the matter?' repeated
+he, placing himself between the bed in which Jack still sat upright,
+squinting his eyes inside out, and where Mr. Pacey stood.
+
+'Oh, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Jack, clasping his raised hands in
+thankfulness, 'I'm so glad you're here!--I'm so thankful you're come! I've
+been insulted!--oh, goodness, how I've been insulted!' added he, throwing
+himself back in the bed, as if thoroughly overcome with his feelings.
+
+'Well, but what's the matter?--what is it all about?' asked Sponge coolly,
+having a pretty good guess what it was.
+
+'Never was so insulted in my life!' ejaculated Jack, from under the
+bedclothes.
+
+'Well but what _is_ it?' repeated Sponge, appealing to Pacey, who stood as
+pale as ashes.
+
+'Oh! nothing,' replied he; 'quite a mistake; Mr. Spraggon misunderstood me
+altogether.'
+
+'Mistake! There's no mistake in the matter!' exclaimed Jack, appearing
+again on the surface like an otter; 'you gave me the lie as plain as a
+pikestaff.'
+
+'Indeed!' observed Mr. Sponge, drawing in his breath and raising his
+eyebrows right up into the roof of his head. 'Indeed!' repeated he.
+
+'No; nothing of the sort, I assure you,' asserted Mr. Pacey.
+
+'Must have satisfaction!' exclaimed Jack, again diving under the
+bedclothes.
+
+'Well, but let us hear how matters stand,' said Mr. Sponge coolly, as
+Jack's grizzly head disappeared.
+
+'You'll be my second,' growled Jack, from under the bedclothes.
+
+'Oh! second be hanged,' retorted Sponge. 'You've nothing to fight about;
+Mr. Pacey says he didn't mean anything, that you misunderstood him, and
+what more can a man want?'
+
+'Just so,' replied Mr. Pacey, 'just so. I assure you I never intended the
+slightest imputation on Mr. Spraggon.'
+
+'I'm sure not,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'H-u-m-p-h,' grunted Jack from under the bedclothes, like a pig in the
+straw. Not showing any disposition to appear on the surface again, Mr.
+Sponge, after standing a second or two, gave a jerk of his head to Mr.
+Pacey, and forthwith conducted him into his own room, shutting the door
+between Mr. Spraggon and him.
+
+Mr. Sponge then inquired into the matter, kindly sympathizing with Mr.
+Pacey, who he was certain never meant anything disrespectful to Mr.
+Spraggon, who, Mr. Sponge thought, seemed rather quick at taking offence;
+though, doubtless, as Mr. Sponge observed, 'a man was perfectly right in
+being tenacious of his integrity,' a position that he illustrated by a
+familiar passage from Shakespeare, about stealing a purse and stealing
+trash, &c.
+
+Emboldened by his kindness, Mr. Pacey then got Mr. Sponge on to talk about
+the horse of which he had become the unwilling possessor--the renowned
+chestnut, Multum in Parvo.
+
+Mr. Sponge spoke like a very prudent, conscientious man; said that really
+it was difficult to give an opinion about a horse; that what suited one man
+might not suit another--that _he_ considered Multum in Parvo a very good
+horse; indeed, that he wouldn't have parted with him if he hadn't more than
+he wanted, and the cream of the season had passed without his meeting with
+any of those casualties that rendered the retention of an extra horse or
+two desirable. Altogether, he gave Mr. Pacey to understand that he held him
+to his bargain. Having thanked Sponge for his great kindness, and got an
+order on the groom (Mr. Leather) to have the horse out, Mr. Pacey took his
+departure to the stable, and Sponge having summoned his neighbour Mr.
+Spraggon from his bed, the two proceeded to a passage window that commanded
+a view of the stable-yard.
+
+Mr. Pacey presently went swaggering across it, cracking his jockey whip
+against his leg, followed by Mr. Leather, with a saddle on his shoulder and
+a bridle in his hand.
+
+'He'd better keep his whip quiet,' observed Mr. Sponge, with a shake of his
+head, as he watched Pacey's movements.
+
+'The beggar thinks he can ride anything,' observed Jack.
+
+'He'll find his mistake out just now,' replied Sponge.
+
+Presently the stable-door opened, and the horse stepped slowly and quietly
+out, looking blooming and bright after his previous day's gallop. Pacey,
+running his eyes over his clean muscular legs and finely shaped form,
+thought he hadn't done so far amiss after all. Leather stood at the horse's
+head, whistling and soothing him, feeling anything but the easy confidence
+that Mr. Pacey exhibited. Putting his whip under his arm, Pacey just walked
+up to the horse, and, placing the point of his foot in the stirrup, hoisted
+himself on by the mane, without deigning to take hold of the reins. Having
+soused himself into the saddle, he then began feeling the stirrups.
+
+'How are they for length, sir?' asked Leather, with a hitch of his hand to
+his forehead.
+
+'They'll do,' replied Pacey, in a tone of indifference, gathering up the
+reins, and applying his left heel to the horse's side, while he gave him a
+touch of the whip on the other. The horse gave a wince, and a hitch up
+behind; as much as to say, 'If you do that again I'll kick in right
+earnest,' and then walked quietly out of the yard.
+
+'I took the fiery edge off him yesterday, I think,' observed Jack, as he
+watched the horse's leisurely movements.
+
+'Not so sure of that,' replied Sponge, adding, as he left the
+passage-window, 'He'll be trying him in the park; let's go and see him from
+my window.'
+
+Accordingly, our friends placed themselves at Sponge's bedroom window, and
+presently the clash of a gate announced that Sponge was right in his
+speculation. In another second the horse and rider appeared in sight--the
+horse going much at his ease, but Mr. Pacey preparing himself for action.
+He began working the bridle and kicking his sides, to get him into a
+canter; an exertion that produced quite a contrary effect, for the animal
+slackened his pace as Pacey's efforts increased. When, however, he took his
+whip from under his arm, the horse darted right up into the air, and
+plunging down again, with one convulsive effort shot Mr. Pacey several
+yards over his head, knocking his head clean through his hat. The brute
+then began to graze, as if nothing particular had happened. This easy
+indifference, however, did not extend to the neighbourhood; for no sooner
+was Mr. Pacey floored than there was such a rush of grooms, and helpers,
+and footmen, and gardeners--to say nothing of women, from all parts of the
+grounds, as must have made it very agreeable to him to know how he had been
+watched. One picked him up--another his hat-crown--a third his whip--a
+fourth his gloves--while Margaret, the housemaid, rushed to the rescue with
+her private bottle of _sal volatile_--and John, the under-butler, began to
+extricate him from the new-fashioned neckcloth he had made of his hat.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PACEY TRIES MULTUM-IN-PARVO]
+
+Though our friend was a good deal shaken by the fall, the injury to his
+body was trifling compared to that done to his mind. Being kicked off a
+horse was an indignity he had never calculated upon. Moreover, it was done
+in such a masterly manner as clearly showed it could be repeated at
+pleasure. In addition to which everybody laughs at a man that is kicked
+off. All these considerations rushed to his mind, and made him determine
+not to brook the mirth of the guests as well as the servants.
+
+Accordingly he borrowed a hat and started off home, and seeking his
+guardian, Major Screw, confided to him the position of affairs. The major,
+who was a man of the world, forthwith commenced a negotiation with Mr.
+Sponge, who, after a good deal of haggling, and not until the horse had
+shot the major over his head, too, at length, as a great favour, consented
+to take fifty pounds to rescind the bargain, accompanying his kindness by
+telling the major to advise his ward never to dabble in horseflesh after
+dinner; a piece of advice that we also very respectfully tender to our
+juvenile readers.
+
+And Sponge shortly after sent Spraggon a five pound note as his share of
+the transaction.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+ANOTHER SICK HOST
+
+
+[Illustration: letter W]
+
+When Mr. Puffington read Messrs. Sponge and Spraggon's account of the run
+with his hounds, in the Swillingford paper, he was perfectly horrified;
+words cannot describe the disgust that he felt. It came upon him quite by
+surprise, for he expected to be immortalized in some paper or work of
+general circulation, in which the Lords Loosefish, Sir Toms, and Sir Harrys
+of former days might recognize the spirited doings of their early friend.
+He wanted the superiority of his establishment, the excellence of his
+horses, the stoutness of his hounds, and the polish of his field,
+proclaimed, with perhaps a quiet cut at the Flat-Hat gentry; instead of
+which he had a mixed medley sort of a mess, whose humdrum monotony was only
+relieved by the absurdities and errors with which it was crammed. At first,
+Mr. Puffington could not make out what it meant, whether it was a hoax for
+the purpose of turning run-writing into ridicule, or it had suffered
+mutilation at the hands of the printer. Calling a good scent an exquisite
+perfume looked suspicious of a hoax, but then seasonal fox for seasoned
+fox, scorning to cry for scoring to cry, bay fox for bag fox, grunting for
+hunting, thrashing for trashing, rests for casts, and other absurdities,
+looked more like accident than design.
+
+These are the sort of errors that non-sporting compositors might easily
+make, one term being as much like English to them as the other, though
+amazingly different to the eye or the ear of a sportsman. Mr. Puffington
+was thoroughly disgusted. He was sick of hounds and horses, and Bragg, and
+hay and corn, and kennels and meal, and saddles and bridles; and now, this
+absurdity seemed to cap the whole thing. He was ill-prepared for such a
+shock. The exertion of successive dinner-giving--above all, of bachelor
+dinner-giving--and that too in the country, where men sit, talk, talk,
+talking, sip, sip, sipping, and 'just another bottle-ing'; more, we
+believe, from want of something else to do than from any natural
+inclination to exceed; the exertion, we say, of such parties had completely
+unstrung our fat friend, and ill-prepared his nerves for such a shock.
+Being a great man for his little comforts, he always breakfasted in his
+dressing-room, which he had fitted up in the most luxurious style, and
+where he had his newspapers (most carefully ironed out) laid with his
+letters against he came in. It was late on the morning following our last
+chapter ere he thought he had got rid of as much of his winey headache as
+fitful sleep would carry off, and enveloped himself in a blue and
+yellow-flowered silk dressing-gown and Turkish slippers. He looked at his
+letters, and knowing their outsides, left them for future perusal, and
+sousing himself into the depths of a many-cushioned easy-chair, proceeded
+to spell his _Morning Post_--Tattersall's advertisements--'Grosjean's
+Pale-tots'--'Mr. Albert Smith'--'Coals, best Stewart Hetton or
+Lambton's'--'Police Intelligence,' and such other light reading as does not
+require any great effort to connect or comprehend.
+
+Then came his breakfast, for which he had very little appetite, though he
+relished his coffee, and also an anchovy. While dawdling over these, he
+heard sundry wheels grinding about below the window, and the bumping and
+thumping of boxes, indicative of 'goings away,' for which he couldn't say
+he felt sorry. He couldn't even be at the trouble of getting up and going
+to the window to see who it was that was off, so weary and head-achy was
+he. He rolled and lolled in his chair, now taking a sip of coffee, now a
+bite of anchovy toast, now considering whether he durst venture on an egg,
+and again having recourse to the _Post_. At last, having exhausted all the
+light reading in it, and scanned through the list of hunting appointments,
+he took up the Swillingford paper to see that they had got his 'meets'
+right for the next week. How astonished he was to find the previous day's
+run staring him in the face, headed 'SPLENDID RUN WITH MR. PUFFINGTON'S
+HOUNDS,' in the imposing type here displayed. 'Well, that's quick work,
+however,' said he, casting his eyes up to the ceiling in astonishment, and
+thinking how unlike it was the Swillingford papers, which were always a
+week, but generally a fortnight behindhand with information. 'Splendid run
+with Mr. Puffington's hounds,' read he again, wondering who had done it:
+Bardolph, the innkeeper; Allsop, the cabinet-maker; Tuggins, the doctor,
+were all out; so was Weatherhog, the butcher. Which of them could it be?
+Grimes, the editor, wasn't there; indeed, he couldn't ride, and the country
+was not adapted for a gig.
+
+He then began to read it, and the further he got the more he was disgusted.
+At last, when he came to the 'seasonal fox, which some thought was a bay
+one,' his indignation knew no bounds, and crumpling the paper up in a heap,
+he threw it from him in disgust. Just then in came Plummey, the butler.
+Plummey saw at a glance what had happened; for Mr. Bragg, and the whips,
+and the grooms, and the helpers, and the feeder--the whole hunting
+establishment--were up in arms at the burlesque, and vowing vengeance
+against the author of it. Mr. Spraggon, on seeing what a mess had been made
+of his labours, availed himself of the offer of a seat in Captain Guano's
+dog-cart, and was clear of the premises; while Mr. Sponge determined to
+profit by Spraggon's absence, and lay the blame on him.
+
+'Oh, Plummey!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, as his servant entered, 'I'm
+deuced unwell--quite knocked up, in short,' clapping his hand on his
+forehead, adding, 'I shall not be able to dine downstairs to-day.'
+
+''Deed, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey, in a tone of commiseration--''deed, sir;
+sorry to hear that, sir.'
+
+'Are they all gone?' asked Mr. Puffington, dropping his
+boiled-gooseberry-looking eyes upon the fine-flowered carpet.
+
+'All gone, sir--all gone,' replied Mr. Plummey; 'all except Mr. Sponge.'
+
+'Oh, he's still here!' replied Mr. Puffington, shuddering with disgust at
+the recollection of the newspaper run. 'Is he going to-day?' asked he.
+
+'No, sir--I dare say not, sir,' replied Mr. Plummey. 'His man--his
+groom--his--whatever he calls him, expects they'll be staying some time.'
+
+'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Puffington, whose hospitality, like
+Jawleyford's, was greater in imagination than in reality.
+
+'Shall I take these things away?' asked Plummey, after a pause.
+
+'Couldn't you manage to get him to go?' asked Mr. Puffington, still harping
+on his remaining guest.
+
+'Don't know, sir. I could try, sir--believe he's bad to move, sir,' replied
+Plummey, with a grin.
+
+'Is he really?' replied Mr. Puffington, alarmed lest Sponge should fasten
+himself upon him for good.
+
+'They say so,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'but I don't speak from any personal
+knowledge, for I know nothing of the man.'
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Puffington, amused at his servant's exclusiveness, 'I wish
+you would try to get rid of him, bow him out civilly, you know--say I'm
+unwell--very unwell--deuced unwell--_ordered_ to keep quiet--say it as if
+from yourself, you know--it mustn't appear as if it came from me, you
+know.'
+
+'In course not,' replied Mr. Plummey, 'in course not,' adding, 'I'll do my
+best, sir--I'll do my best.' So saying, he took up the breakfast things and
+departed.
+
+Mr. Sponge regaling himself with a cigar in the stables and shrubberies, it
+was some time before Mr. Plummey had an opportunity of trying his diplomacy
+upon him, it being contrary to Mr. Plummey's custom to go out of doors
+after any one. At last he saw Sponge coming lounging along the
+terrace-walk, looking like a man thoroughly disengaged, and, timing himself
+properly, encountered him in the entrance.
+
+'Beg pardon, sir,' said Mr. Plummey, 'but cook, sir, wishes to know, sir,
+if you dine here to-day, sir?'
+
+'Of course,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'where would you have me dine?'
+
+'Oh, I don't know, sir--only Mr. Puffington, sir, is very poorly, sir, and
+I thought p'raps you'd be dining out.
+
+'Poorly is he?' replied Mr. Sponge; 'sorry to hear that--what's the matter
+with him?'
+
+'Bad bilious attack, I think,' replied Plummey--'very subject to them, at
+this time of year particklarly; was laid up, at least confined to his room,
+three weeks last year of a similar attack.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, not relishing the information.
+
+'Then I must say you'll dine here?' said the butler.
+
+'Yes; I must have my dinner, of course,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'I'm not ill,
+you know. No occasion to make a great spread for me, you know; but still I
+must have some victuals, you know.'
+
+'Certainly, sir, certainly,' replied Mr. Plummey.
+
+'I couldn't think of leaving Mr. Puffington when he's poorly,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, half to himself and half to the butler.
+
+'Oh, master--that's to say, Mr. Puffington--always does best when left
+alone,' observed Mr. Plummey, catching at the sentence: 'indeed the medical
+men recommend perfect quiet and moderate living as the best thing.'
+
+'Do they?' replied Sponge, taking out another cigar. Mr. Plummey then
+withdrew, and presently went upstairs to report progress, or rather want of
+progress, to the gentleman whom he sometimes condescended to call 'master.'
+
+Mr. Puffington had been taking another spell at the paper, and we need
+hardly say that the more he read of the run the less he liked it.
+
+'Ah, that's Mr. Sponge's handiwork,' observed Plummey, as with a sneer of
+disgust Mr. Puffington threw the paper from him as Plummey entered the
+room.
+
+'How do you know?' asked Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Saw it, sir--saw it in the letter-bag going to the post.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Puffington.
+
+'Mr. Spraggon and he did it after they came in from hunting.'
+
+'I thought as much,' replied Mr. Puffington, in disgust.
+
+Mr. Plummey then related how unsuccessful had been his attempts to get rid
+of the now most unwelcome guest. Mr. Puffington listened with attention,
+determined to get rid of him somehow or other. Plummey was instructed to
+ply Sponge well with hints, all of which, however, Mr. Sponge skilfully
+parried. So, at last, Mr. Puffington scrawled a miserable-looking note,
+explaining how very ill he was, how he regretted being deprived of Mr.
+Sponge's agreeable society, but hoping that it would suit Mr. Sponge to
+return as soon as he was better and pay the remainder of his visit--a
+pretty intelligible notice to quit, and one which even the cool Mr. Sponge
+was rather at a loss how to parry.
+
+He did not like the aspect of affairs. In addition to having to spend the
+evening by himself, the cook sent him a very moderate dinner, smoked soup,
+sodden fish, scraggy cutlets, and sour pudding. Mr. Plummey, too, seemed to
+have put all the company bottle-ends together for him. This would not do.
+If Sponge could have satisfied himself that his host would not be better in
+a day or two, he would have thought seriously of leaving; but as he could
+not bring himself to think that he would not, and, moreover, had no place
+to go to, had it not been for the concluding portion of Mr. Puffington's
+note, he would have made an effort to stay. That, however, put it rather
+out of his power, especially as it was done so politely, and hinted at a
+renewal of the visit. Mr. Sponge spent the evening in cogitating what he
+should do--thinking what sportsmen had held out the hand of
+good-fellowship, and hinted at hoping to have the pleasure of seeing him.
+Fyle, Fossick, Blossomnose, Capon, Dribble, Hook, and others, were all run
+through his mind, without his thinking it prudent to attempt to fix a
+volunteer visit upon any of them. Many people he knew could pen polite
+excuses, who yet could not hit them off at the moment, especially in that
+great arena of hospitality--the hunting-field. He went to bed very much
+perplexed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV
+
+WANTED--A RICH GOD-PAPA!
+
+
+'When one door shuts another opens,' say the saucy servants; and fortune
+was equally favourable to our friend Mr. Sponge. Though he could not think
+of any one to whom he could volunteer a visit. Dame Fortune provided him
+with an overture from a party who wanted him! But we will introduce his new
+host, or rather victim.
+
+People hunt from various motives--some for the love of the thing--some for
+show--some for fashion--some for health--some for appetites--some for
+coffee-housing--some to say they have hunted--some because others hunt.
+
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did not hunt from any of these motives, and it would
+puzzle a conjurer to make out why he hunted; indeed, the members of the
+different hunts he patronized--for he was one of the run-about,
+non-subscribing sort--were long in finding out. It was observed that he
+generally affected countries abounding in large woods, such as Stretchaway
+Forest, Hazelbury Chase, and Oakington Banks, into which he would dive with
+the greatest avidity. At first people thought he was a very keen hand,
+anxious to see a fox handsomely found, if he could not see him handsomely
+finished, against which latter luxury his figure and activity, or want of
+activity, were somewhat opposed. Indeed, when we say that he went by the
+name of the Woolpack, our readers will be able to imagine the style of man
+he was: long-headed, short-necked, large-girthed, dumpling-legged little
+fellow, who, like most fat men, made himself dangerous by compressing a
+most unreasonable stomach into a circumscribed coat, each particular button
+of which looked as if it was ready to burst off, and knock out the eye of
+any one who might have the temerity to ride alongside of him. He was a
+puffy, wheezy, sententious little fellow, who accompanied his parables with
+a snort into a large finely plaited shirt-frill, reaching nearly up to his
+nose. His hunting-costume consisted of a black coat and waistcoat, with
+white moleskin breeches, much cracked and darned about the knees and other
+parts, as nether garments made of that treacherous stuff often are. His
+shapeless tops, made regardless of the refinements of 'right and left,'
+dangled at his horse's sides like a couple of stable-buckets; and he
+carried his heavy iron hammer-headed whip over his shoulder like a flail.
+But we are drawing his portrait instead of saying why he hunted. Well,
+then, having married Mrs. Springwheat's sister, who was always boasting to
+Mrs. Crowdey what a loving, doting husband Springey was after hunting, Mrs.
+Crowdey had induced Crowdey to try his hand, and though soon satisfied that
+he hadn't the slightest taste for the sport, but being a great man for what
+he called gibbey-sticks, he hunted for the purpose of finding them. As we
+said before, he generally appeared at large woodlands, into which he would
+ride with the hounds, plunging through the stiffest clay, and forcing his
+way through the strongest thickets, making observations all the while of
+the hazels, and the hollies, and the blackthorns, and, we are sorry to say,
+sometimes of the young oaks and ashes, that he thought would fashion into
+curious-handled walking-sticks; and these he would return for at a future
+day, getting them with as large clubs as possible, which he would cut into
+the heads of beasts, or birds, or fishes, or men. At the time of which we
+are writing, he had accumulated a vast quantity--thousands; the garret at
+the top of his house was quite full, so were most of the closets, while the
+rafters in the kitchen, and cellars, and out-houses, were crowded with
+others in a state of _deshabille_. He calculated his stock at immense
+worth, we don't know how many thousand pounds; and as he cut, and puffed,
+and wheezed, and modelled, with a volume of Buffon, or the picture of some
+eminent man before him, he chuckled, and thought how well he was providing
+for his family. He had been at it so long, and argued so stoutly, that Mrs.
+Jogglebury Crowdey, if not quite convinced of the accuracy of his
+calculations, nevertheless thought it well to encourage his hunting
+predilections, inasmuch as it brought him in contact with people he would
+not otherwise meet, who, she thought, might possibly be useful to their
+children. Accordingly, she got him his breakfast betimes on
+hunting-mornings, charged his pockets with currant-buns, and saw to the
+mending of his moleskins when he came home, after any of those casualties
+that occur as well in the chase as in gibbey-stick hunting.
+
+A stranger being a marked man in a rural country, Mr. Sponge excited more
+curiosity in Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's mind than Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey did
+in Mr. Sponge's. In truth, Jogglebury was one of those unsportsmanlike
+beings, that a regular fox-hunter would think it waste of words to inquire
+about, and if Mr. Sponge saw him, he did not recollect him; while, on the
+other hand, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey went home very full of our friend. Now,
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a fine, bustling, managing woman, with a large
+family, for whom she exerted all her energies to procure desirable
+god-papas and mammas; and, no sooner did she hear of this newcomer, than
+she longed to appropriate him for god-papa to their youngest son.
+
+'Jog, my dear,' said she, to her spouse, as they sat at tea; 'it would be
+well to look after him.'
+
+'What for, my dear?' asked Jog, who was staring a stick, with a
+half-finished head of Lord Brougham for a handle, out of countenance.
+
+'What for, Jog? Why, can't you guess?'
+
+'No,' replied Jog doggedly.
+
+'No!' ejaculated his spouse. 'Why, Jog, you certainly are the stupidest man
+in existence.'
+
+'Not necessarily!' replied Jog, with a jerk of his head and a puff into his
+shirt-frill that set it all in a flutter.
+
+'Not necessarily!' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, who was what they call a
+'spirited woman,' in the same rising tone as before. 'Not necessarily! but
+I say necessarily--yes, necessarily. Do you hear me, Mr. Jogglebury?'
+
+'I hear you,' replied Jogglebury scornfully, with another jerk, and another
+puff into the frill.
+
+The two then sat silent for some minutes, Jogglebury still contemplating
+the progressing head of Lord Brougham, and recalling the eye and features
+that some five-and-twenty years before had nearly withered him in a breach
+of promise action, 'Smiler _v_. Jogglebury,'[3] that being our friend's
+name before his uncle Crowdey left him his property.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury having an object in view, and knowing that, though
+Jogglebury might lead, he would not drive, availed herself of the lull to
+trim her sail, to try and catch him on the other tack.
+
+'Well, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey,' said she, in a passive tone of regret, 'I
+certainly thought however indifferent you might be to me' (and here she
+applied her handkerchief--rather a coarse one--to her eyes) 'that still you
+had some regard for the interests of your (sob) children'; and here the
+waterfalls of her beady black eyes went off in a gush.
+
+'Well, my dear,' replied Jogglebury, softened, 'I'm (puff) sure I'm
+(wheeze) anxious for my (puff) children. You don't s'pose if I wasn't
+(puff), I'd (wheeze) labour as I (puff--wheeze) do to leave them
+fortins?'--alluding to his exertions in the gibbey-stick line.
+
+'Oh, Jog, I dare say you're very good and very industrious,' sobbed Mrs.
+Jogglebury, 'but I sometimes (sob) think that you might apply your (sob)
+energies to a better (sob) purpose.'
+
+'Indeed, my dear (puff), I don't see that (wheeze),' replied Jogglebury,
+mildly.
+
+'Why, now, if you were to try and get this rich Mr. Sponge for a god-papa
+for Gustavus James,' continued she, drying her eyes as she came to the
+point, '_that_, I should say, would be worthy of you.'
+
+'But, my (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, 'I don't know Mr. (wheeze)
+Sponge, to begin with.'
+
+'That's nothing,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'he's a stranger, and you should
+call upon him.'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury sat silent, still staring at Lord Brougham, thinking how he
+pitched into him, and how sick he was when the jury, without retiring from
+the box, gave five hundred pounds damages against him.
+
+'He's a fox-hunter, too,' continued his wife; 'and you ought to be civil to
+him.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, he's as likely to (wheeze) these fifty years as
+any (puff, wheeze) man I ever looked at,' replied Jogglebury.
+
+'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'there's no saying when a
+fox-hunter may break his neck. My word! but Mrs. Slooman tells me pretty
+stories of Sloo's doings with the harriers--jumping over hurdles, and
+everything that comes in the way, and galloping along the stony lanes as if
+the wind was a snail compared to his horse. I tell you. Jog, you should
+call on this gentleman--'
+
+'Well,' replied Mr. Jogglebury.
+
+'And ask him to come and stay here,' continued Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'Perhaps he mightn't like it (puff),' replied Jogglebury. 'I don't know
+that we could (puff) entertain him as he's (wheeze) accustomed to be,'
+added he.
+
+'Oh, nonsense,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury; 'we can entertain him well enough.
+You always say fox-hunters are not ceremonious. I tell you what, Jog, you
+don't think half enough of yourself. You are far too easily set aside. My
+word! but I know some people who would give themselves pretty airs if their
+husband was chairman of a board of guardians, and trustee of I don't know
+how many of Her Majesty's turnpike roads,' Mrs. Jog here thinking of her
+sister Mrs. Springwheat, who, she used to say, had married a mere farmer.
+'I tell you, Jog, you're far too humble, you don't think half enough of
+yourself.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you don't (puff) consider that all people ain't
+(puff) fond of (wheeze) children,' observed Jogglebury, after a pause.
+'Indeed, I've (puff) observed that some (wheeze) don't like them.'
+
+'Oh, but those will be nasty little brats, like Mrs. James Wakenshaw's, or
+Mrs. Tom Cheek's. But such children as ours! such charmers! such delights!
+there isn't a man in the county, from the Lord-Lieutenant downwards, who
+wouldn't be proud--who wouldn't think it a compliment--to be asked to be
+god-papa to such children. I tell you what, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, it
+would be far better to get them rich god-papas and god-mammas than to leave
+them a whole house full of sticks.'
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, the (wheeze) sticks will prove very (wheeze)
+hereafter,' replied Jogglebury, bridling up at the imputation on his hobby.
+
+'I _hope_ so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, in a tone of incredulity.
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, I (wheeze) you that they will be--indeed
+(puff), I may (wheeze) say that they (puff) are. It was only the other
+(puff) day that (wheeze) Patrick O'Fogo offered me five-and-twenty (wheeze)
+shillings for my (puff) blackthorn Daniel O'Connell, which is by no means
+so (puff) good as the (wheeze) wild-cherry one, or, indeed (puff), as the
+yew-tree one that I (wheeze) out of Spankerley Park.'
+
+'I'd have taken it if I'd been you,' observed Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'But he's (puff) worth far more,' retorted Jogglebury angrily; 'why
+(wheeze) Lumpleg offered me as much for Disraeli.'
+
+'Well, I'd have taken it, too,' rejoined Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'But I should have (wheeze) spoilt my (puff) set,' replied the gibbey-stick
+man. 'S'pose any (wheeze) body was to (puff) offer me five guineas a (puff)
+piece for the (puff) pick of my (puff) collection--my (puff) Wellingtons,
+my (wheeze) Napoleons, my (puff) Byrons, my (wheeze) Walter Scotts, my
+(puff) Lord Johns, d'ye think I'd take it?'
+
+'I should hope so,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'I should (puff) do no such thing,' snorted her husband into his frill. 'I
+should hope,' continued he, speaking slowly and solemnly, 'that a (puff)
+wise ministry will purchase the whole (puff) collection for a (wheeze)
+grateful nation, when the (wheeze)' something 'is no more (wheeze).' The
+concluding words being lost in the emotion of the speaker (as the reporters
+say).
+
+'Well, but will you go and call on Mr. Sponge, dear?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, anxious as well to turn the subject as to make good her original
+point.
+
+'Well, my dear, I've no objection,' replied Joggle, wiping a tear from the
+corner of his eye with his coat-cuff.
+
+'That's a good soul!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury soothingly. 'Go to-morrow,
+like a nice, sensible man.'
+
+'Very well,' replied her now complacent spouse.
+
+'And ask him to come here,' continued she.
+
+'I can't (puff) ask him to (puff) come, my dear (wheeze), until he
+(puff--wheeze) returns my (puff) call.'
+
+'Oh, fiddle,' replied his wife, 'you always say fox-hunters never stand
+upon ceremony; why should you stand upon any with him?'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury was posed, and sat silent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+THE DISCOMFITED DIPLOMATIST
+
+
+Well, then, as we said before, when one door shuts another opens; and just
+as Mr. Puffington's door was closing on poor Mr. Sponge, who should cast up
+but our newly introduced friend, Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey. Mr. Sponge was
+sitting in solitary state in the fine drawing-room, studying his old friend
+_Mogg_, calculating what he could ride from Spur Street, Leicester Square,
+by Short's Gardens, and across Waterloo Bridge, to the Elephant and Castle
+for, when the grinding of a vehicle on the gravelled ring attracted his
+attention. Looking out of the window, he saw a horse's head in a faded-red,
+silk-fronted bridle, with the letters 'J.C.' on the winkers; not 'J.C.'
+writhing in the elegant contortions of modern science, but 'J.C.' in the
+good, plain, matter-of-fact characters we have depicted above.
+
+'That'll be the doctor,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he resumed his
+reading and calculations, amidst a peal of the door-bell, well calculated
+to arouse the whole house. 'He's a good un to ring!' added he, looking up
+and wondering when the last lingering tinkle would cease.
+
+Before the fact was ascertained, there was a hurried tramp of feet past the
+drawing-room door, and presently the entrance one opened and let in--a rush
+of wind.
+
+'Is Mr. Sponge at home?' demanded a slow, pompous-speaking, deep-toned
+voice, evidently from the vehicle.
+
+'Yez-ur,' was the immediate answer.
+
+'Who can that be?' exclaimed Sponge, pocketing his _Mogg_.
+
+Then there was a creaking of springs and a jingling against iron steps, and
+presently a high-blowing, heavy-stepping body was heard crossing the
+entrance-hall, while an out-stripping footman announced Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, leaving the owner to follow his name at his leisure.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury had insisted on Jog putting on his new black frock--a very
+long coat, fitting like a sack, with the well-filled pockets bagging
+behind, like a poor man's dinner wallet. In lieu of the shrunk and darned
+white moleskins, receding in apparent disgust from the dingy tops, he had
+got his nether man enveloped in a pair of fine cinnamon-coloured tweeds,
+with broad blue stripes down the sides, and shaped out over the clumsy
+foot.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOGGLEBURY INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO MR. SPONGE]
+
+Puff, wheeze, puff, he now came waddling and labouring along, hat in hand,
+hurrying after the servant; puff, wheeze, puff, and he found himself in the
+room. 'Your servant, sir,' said he, sticking himself out behind, and
+addressing Mr. Sponge, making a ground sweep with his woolly hat.
+
+'_Yours_,' said Mr. Sponge, with a similar bow.
+
+'Fine day (puff--wheeze),' observed Mr. Jogglebury, blowing into his large
+frill.
+
+'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge, adding, 'won't you be seated?'
+
+'How's Puffington?' gasped our visitor, sousing himself upon one of the
+rosewood chairs in a way that threatened destruction to the slender fabric.
+
+'Oh, he's pretty middling, _I_ should say,' replied Sponge, now making up
+his mind that he was addressing the doctor.
+
+'Pretty middlin' (puff),' repeated Jogglebury, blowing into his frill;
+'pretty middlin' (wheeze); I s'pose that means he's got a (puff) gumboil.
+My third (wheeze) girl, Margaret Henrietta has one.'
+
+'Do you want to see him?' asked Sponge, after a pause, which seemed to
+indicate that his friend's conversation had come to a period, or full stop.
+
+'No,' replied Jogglebury unconcernedly. 'No; I'll leave a (puff) card for
+him (wheeze),' added he, fumbling in his wallet behind for his card-case.
+'My (puff) object is to pay my (wheeze) respects to you,' observed he,
+drawing a great carved Indian case from his pocket, and pulling off the top
+with a noise like the drawing of a cork.
+
+'Much obliged for the compliment,' observed Mr. Sponge, as Jogglebury
+fumbled and broke his nails in attempting to get a card out.
+
+'Do you stay long in this part of the world?' asked he, as at last he
+succeeded, and commenced tapping the corners of the card on the table.
+
+'I really don't know,' replied Mr. Sponge, as the particulars of his
+situation flashed across his mind. Could this pudding-headed man be a chap
+Puffington had got to come and sound him, thought he.
+
+Jogglebury sat silent for a time, examining his feet attentively as if to
+see they were pairs, and scrutinizing the bags of his cinnamon-coloured
+trousers.
+
+'I was going to say (hem--cough--hem),' at length observed he, looking up,
+'that's to say, I was thinking (hem--wheeze--cough--hem), or rather I
+should say, Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey sent me to say--I mean to say,'
+continued he, stamping one of his ponderous feet against the floor as if to
+force out his words, 'Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey and I would be glad--happy,
+that's to say (hem)--if you would arrange (hem) to (wheeze) pay us a visit
+(hem).'
+
+'Most happy, I'm sure!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, jumping at the offer.
+
+'Before you go (hem),' continued our visitor, taking up the sentence where
+Sponge had interrupted him; 'I (hem) live about nine miles (hem) from here
+(hem).'
+
+'Are there any hounds in your neighbourhood?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied Mr. Jogglebury slowly; 'Mr. Puffington here draws up to
+Greatacre Gorse within a few (puff--wheeze) miles--say, three (puff)--of my
+(wheeze) house; and Sir Harry Scattercash (puff) hunts all the
+(puff--wheeze) country below, right away down to the (puff--wheeze) sea.'
+
+'Well, you're a devilish good fellow!' exclaimed Sponge; 'and I'll tell you
+what, as I'm sure you mean what you say, I'll take you at your word and go
+at once; and that'll give our friend here time to come round.'
+
+'Oh, but (puff--wheeze--gasp),' started Mr. Jogglebury, the blood rushing
+to his great yellow, whiskerless cheeks, 'I'm not quite (gasp) sure that
+Mrs. (gasp) Jogglebury (puff) Crowdey would be (puff--wheeze--gasp)
+prepared.'
+
+'Oh, _hang_ preparation!' interrupted Mr. Sponge. 'I'll take you as you
+are. Never mind me. I hate being made company of. Just treat me like one of
+yourselves; toad-in-the-hole, dog-in-the-blanket, beef-steaks and
+oyster-sauce, rabbits and onions--anything; nothing comes amiss to me.'
+
+So saying, and while Jogglebury sat purple and unable to articulate, Mr.
+Sponge applied his hand to the ivory bell-knob and sounded an imposing
+peal. Mr. Jogglebury sat wondering what was going to happen, and thinking
+what a wigging he would get from Mrs. J. if he didn't manage to shake off
+his friend. Above all, he recollected that they had nothing but haddocks
+and hashed mutton for dinner.
+
+'Tell Leather I want him,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of authority, as the
+footman answered the summons; then, turning to his guest, as the man was
+leaving the room, he said, 'Won't you take something after your drive--cold
+meat, glass of sherry, soda-water, bottled porter--anything in that line?'
+
+In an ordinary way, Jogglebury would have said, 'if you please,' at the
+sound of the words 'cold meat,' for he was a dead hand at luncheon; but the
+fix he was in completely took away his appetite, and he sat wheezing and
+thinking whether to make another effort, or to wait the arrival of Leather.
+
+Presently Leather appeared, jean-jacketed and gaitered, smoothing his hair
+over his forehead, after the manner of the brotherhood.
+
+'Leather,' said Mr. Sponge, in the same tone of importance, 'I'm going to
+this gentleman's'; for as yet he had not sufficiently mastered the name to
+be able to venture upon it in the owner's presence. 'Leather, I'm going to
+this gentleman's, and I want you to bring me a horse over in the morning;
+or stay,' said he, interrupting himself, and, turning to Jogglebury, he
+exclaimed, 'I dare say you could manage to put me up a couple of horses,
+couldn't you? and then we should be all cosy and jolly together, you know.'
+
+''Pon my word,' gasped Jogglebury nearly choked by the proposal; ''pon my
+word, I can hardly (puff) say, I hardly (wheeze) know, but if you'll
+(puff--wheeze) allow me, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll (puff--wheeze)
+home, and see what I can (puff) do in the way of entertainment for
+(puff--wheeze) man as well as for (puff--wheeze) horse.'
+
+'Oh, _thank you_, my dear fellow!' exclaimed Sponge, seeing the intended
+dodge; '_thank you_, my dear fellow!' repeated he; 'but that's giving you
+too much trouble--_far_ too much trouble!--couldn't think of such a
+thing--no, indeed, I couldn't. _I'll_ tell you what we'll do--_I'll_ tell
+you what we'll do. You shall drive me over in that shandrydan-rattle-trap
+thing of yours'--Sponge looking out of the window, as he spoke, at the
+queer-shaped, jumped-together, lack-lustre-looking vehicle, with a
+turnover seat behind, now in charge of a pepper-and-salt attired youth,
+with a shabby hat, looped up by a thin silver cord to an acorn on the
+crown, and baggy Berlin gloves--'and I'll just see what there is in the way
+of stabling; and if I think it will do, then I'll give a boy sixpence or a
+shilling to come over to Leather, here,' jerking his head towards his
+factotum; 'if it won't do, why then--'
+
+'We shall want _three_ stalls, sir--recollect, sir, 'interrupted Leather,
+who did not wish to move his quarters.
+
+'True, I forgot,' replied Sponge, with a frown at his servant's
+officiousness; 'however, if we can get two good stalls for the hunters,'
+said he, 'we'll manage the hack somehow or other.'
+
+'Well,' replied Mr. Leather, in a tone of resignation, knowing how hopeless
+it was arguing with his master.
+
+'I really think,' gasped Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, encouraged by the apparent
+sympathy of the servant to make a last effort, 'I really think,' repeated
+he, as the hashed mutton and haddocks again flashed across his mind, 'that
+my (puff--wheeze) plan is the (puff) best; let me (puff--wheeze) home and
+see how all (puff--wheeze) things are, and then I'll write you a
+(puff--wheeze) line, or send a (puff--wheeze) servant over.'
+
+'Oh no,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'oh no--that's far too much trouble. I'll just
+go over with you now and reconnoitre.'
+
+'I'm afraid Mrs. (puff--wheeze) Crowdey will hardly be prepared for
+(puff--wheeze) visitors,' ejaculated our friend, recollecting it was
+washing-day, and that Mary Ann would be wanted in the laundry.
+
+'Don't mention it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'don't mention it. I hate to be
+made company of. Just give me what you have yourselves--just give me what
+you have yourselves. Where two can dine, three can dine, you know.'
+
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was nonplussed.
+
+'Well, now,' said Mr. Sponge, turning again to Leather; 'just go upstairs
+and help me to pack up my things; and,' addressing himself to our visitor,
+he said, 'perhaps you'll amuse yourself with the paper--the _Post_--or
+I'll lend you my _Mogg_,' continued he, offering the little gilt-lettered,
+purple-backed volume as he spoke.
+
+'Thank'ee,' replied Mr. Jogglebury, who was still tapping away at the card,
+which he had now worked very soft.
+
+Mr. Sponge then left him with the volume in his hand, and proceeded
+upstairs to his bedroom.
+
+In less than twenty minutes, the vehicle was got under way, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey and Mr. Sponge occupying the roomy seats in front, and Bartholomew
+Badger, the before-mentioned tiger, and Mr. Sponge's portmanteau and
+carpet-bag, being in the very diminutive turnover seat behind. The carriage
+was followed by the straining eyes of sundry Johns and Janes, who
+unanimously agreed that Mr. Sponge was the meanest, shabbiest gent they had
+ever had in _their_ house. Mr. Leather was, therefore, roasted in the
+servants' hall, where the sins of the masters are oft visited upon the
+servants.
+
+But to our travellers.
+
+Little conversation passed between our friends for the first few miles,
+for, in addition to the road being rough, the driving-seat was so high, and
+the other so low, that Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's parables broke against Mr.
+Sponge's hat-crown, instead of dropping into his ear; besides which, the
+unwilling host's mind was a good deal occupied with wishing that there had
+been three haddocks instead of two, and speculating whether Mrs. Crowdey
+would be more pleased at the success of his mission, or put out of her way
+by Mr. Sponge's unexpected coming. Above all, he had marked some very
+promising-looking sticks--two blackthorns and a holly--to cut on his way
+home, and he was intent on not missing them. So sudden was the jerk that
+announced his coming on the first one, as nearly to throw the old family
+horse on his knees, and almost to break Mr. Sponge's nose against the brass
+edge of the cocked-up splash-board. Ere Mr. Sponge recovered his
+equilibrium, the whip was in the case, the reins dangling about the old
+screw's heels, and Mr. Crowdey scrambling up a steep bank to where a very
+thick boundary-hedge shut out the view of the adjacent country. Presently,
+chop, chop, chop, was heard, from Mr. Crowdey's pocket axe, with a
+tug--wheeze--puff from himself; next a crash of separation; and then the
+purple-faced Mr. Crowdey came bearing down the bank dragging a great
+blackthorn bush after him.
+
+'What have you got there?' inquired Mr. Sponge, with surprise.
+
+'Got! (wheeze--puff--wheeze),' replied Mr. Crowdey, pulling up short, and
+mopping his perspiring brow with a great claret-coloured bandana. 'Got!
+I've (puff--wheeze) got what I (wheeze) think will (puff) into a most
+elaborate and (wheeze) valuable walking-stick. This I (puff) think,'
+continued he, eyeing the great ball with which he had got it up, 'will
+(wheeze) come in most valuably (puff) for my great (puff--wheeze--gasp)
+national undertaking--the (puff) Kings and (wheeze) Queens of Great Britain
+(gasp).'
+
+'What are _they_?' asked Mr. Sponge, astonished at his vehemence.
+
+'Oh! (puff--wheeze--gasp) haven't you heard?' exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury,
+taking off his great woolly hat, and giving his lank, dark hair, streaked
+with grey, a sweep round his low forehead with the bandana. 'Oh!
+(puff--gasp) haven't you heard?' repeated he, getting a little more
+breath. 'I'm (wheeze) undertaking a series of (gasp) sticks,
+representing--(gasp)--immortalizing, I may say (puff), all the (wheeze)
+crowned heads of England (puff).'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'They'll be a most valuable collection (wheeze--puff),' continued Mr.
+Jogglebury, still eyeing the knob. 'This,' added he, 'shall be William the
+Fourth.' He then commenced lopping and docking the sides, making
+Bartholomew Badger bury them in a sand-pit hard by, observing, in a
+confidential wheeze to Mr. Sponge, 'that he had once been county-courted
+for a similar trespass before.' The top and lop being at length disposed
+of, Mr. Crowdey, grasping the club-end, struck the other forcibly against
+the ground, exclaiming, 'There!--there's a (puff) stick! Who knows what
+that (puff--wheeze) stick may be worth some day?'
+
+He then bundled into his carriage and drove on.
+
+Two more stoppages marked their arrival at the other sticks, which being
+duly captured and fastened within the straps of the carriage-apron, Mr.
+Crowdey drove on somewhat more at ease in his mind, at all events somewhat
+comforted at the thoughts of having increased his wealth. He did not become
+talkative--indeed that was not his forte, but he puffed into his
+shirt-frill, and made a few observations, which, if they did not possess
+much originality, at all events showed that he was not asleep.
+
+'Those are draining-tiles,' said he, after a hearty stare at a cart-load.
+Then about five minutes after he blew again, and said, 'I don't think
+(puff) that (wheeze) draining without (gasp) manuring will constitute high
+farming (puff).'
+
+So he jolted and wheezed, and jerked and jagged the old quadruped's mouth,
+occasionally hissing between his teeth, and stamping against the bottom of
+the carriage, when other persuasive efforts failed to induce it to keep up
+the semblance of a trot. At last the ill-supported hobble died out into a
+walk, and Mr. Crowdey, complacently dropping his fat hand on his fat knees,
+seemed to resign himself to his fate.
+
+So they crawled along the up-and-downy piece of road below Poplarton
+plantations, Mr. Jogglebury keeping a sharp eye upon the underwood for
+sticks. After passing these, they commenced the gradual ascent of
+Roundington Hill, when a sudden sweep of the road brought them in view of
+the panorama of the rich Vale of Butterflower.
+
+'There's a snug-looking box,' observed Sponge, as he at length espied a
+confused jumble of gable-ends and chimney-pots rising from amidst a clump
+of Scotch firs and other trees, looking less like a farmhouse than anything
+he had seen.
+
+'That's my house (puff); that's Puddingpote Bower (wheeze),' replied
+Crowdey slowly and pompously, adding an 'e' to the syllable, to make it
+sound better, the haddocks, hashed mutton, and all the horrors of impromptu
+hospitality rushing upon his mind.
+
+Things began to look worse the nearer he got home. He didn't care to
+aggravate the old animal into a trot. He again wondered whether Mrs. J.
+would be pleased at the success of his mission, or angry at the unexpected
+coming.
+
+'Where are the stables?' asked Sponge, as he scanned the in-and-out
+irregularities of the building.
+
+'Stables (wheeze), stables (puff),' repeated Crowdey--thinking of his
+troubles--of its being washing-day, and Mary Ann, or Murry Ann, as he
+called her, the under-butler, being engaged; of Bartholomew Badger having
+the horse and fe-_a_-ton to clean, &c.--'stables,' repeated he for the
+third time; 'stables are at the back, behind, in fact; you'll see a (puff)
+vane--a (wheeze) fox, on the top.'
+
+'Ah, indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, brightening up, thinking there would be
+old hay and corn.
+
+They now came to a half-Swiss, half-Gothic little cottage of a lodge, and
+the old horse turned instinctively into the open white gate with pea-green
+bands.
+
+'Here's Mrs. Crow--Crow--Crowdey!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively, as a
+tall woman, in flare-up red and yellow stunner tartan, with a swarm of
+little children, similarly attired, suddenly appeared at an angle of the
+road, the lady handling a great alpaca umbrella-looking parasol in the
+stand-and-deliver style.
+
+'What's kept you?' exclaimed she, as the vehicle got within ear-shot.
+'What's kept you?' repeated she, in a sharper key, holding her parasol
+across the road, but taking no notice of our friend Sponge, who, in truth,
+she took for Edgebone, the butcher. 'Oh! you've been after your sticks,
+have you?' added she, as her spouse drew the vehicle up alongside of her,
+and she caught the contents of the apron-straps.
+
+'My dear (puff)' gasped her husband, 'I've brought Mr. (wheeze) Sponge,'
+said he, winking his right eye, and jerking his head over his left
+shoulder, looking very frightened all the time. 'Mr. (puff) Sponge, Mrs.
+(gasp) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,' continued he, motioning with his hand.
+
+Finding himself in the presence of his handsome hostess, Sponge made her
+one of his best bows, and offered to resign his seat in the carriage to
+her. This she declined, alleging that she had the children with
+her--looking round on the grinning, gaping group, the majority of them with
+their mouths smeared with lollipops. Crowdey, who was not so stupid as he
+looked, was nettled at Sponge's attempting to fix his wife upon him at
+such a critical moment, and immediately retaliated with, 'P'raps (puff)
+you'd like to (puff) out and (wheeze) walk.'
+
+There was no help for this, and Sponge having alighted, Mr. Crowdey said,
+half to Mr. Sponge and half to his fine wife, 'Then (puff--wheeze) I'll
+just (puff) on and get Mr. (wheeze) Sponge's room ready.' So saying, he
+gave the old nag a hearty jerk with the bit, and two or three longitudinal
+cuts with the knotty-pointed whip, and jingled away with a bevy of children
+shouting, hanging on, and dragging behind, amidst exclamations from Mrs.
+Crowdey, of 'O Anna Maria! Juliana Jane! O Frederick James, you naughty
+boy! you'll spoil your new shoes! Archibald John, you'll be kilt! you'll be
+run over to a certainty. O Jogglebury, you inhuman man!' continued she,
+running and brandishing her alpaca parasol, 'you'll run over your children!
+you'll run over your children!'
+
+'My (puff) dear,' replied Jogglebury, looking coolly over his shoulder,'
+how can they be (wheeze) run over behind?'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+So saying Jogglebury ground away at his leisure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+PUDDINGPOTE BOWER, THE SEAT OF JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY, ESQ.
+
+
+'Your good husband,' observed Mr. Sponge as he now overtook his hostess and
+proceeded with her towards the house, 'has insisted upon bringing me over
+to spend a few days till my friend Puffington recovers. He's just got the
+gout. I said I was 'fraid it mightn't be quite convenient to you, but Mr.
+Crowdey assured me you were in the habit of receivin' fox-hunters at short
+notice; and so I have taken him at his word, you see, and come.'
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who was still out of wind from her run after the carriage,
+assured him that she was extremely happy to see him, though she couldn't
+help thinking what a noodle Jog was to bring a stranger on a washing-day.
+That, however, was a point she would reserve for Jog.
+
+Just then a loud outburst from the children announced the approach of the
+eighth wonder of the world, in the person of Gustavus James in the nurse's
+arms, with a curly blue feather nodding over his nose. Mrs. Jogglebury's
+black eyes brightened with delight as she ran forward to meet him; and in
+her mind's eye she saw him inheriting a splendid mansion, with a retinue of
+powdered footmen in pea-green liveries and broad gold-laced hats.
+Great--prospectively great, at least--as had been her successes in the
+sponsor line with her other children, she really thought, getting Mr.
+Sponge for a god-papa for Gustavus James eclipsed all her other doings.
+
+Mr. Sponge, having been liberal in his admiration of the other children, of
+course could not refuse unbounded applause to the evident object of a
+mother's regards; and, chucking the young gentleman under his double chin,
+asked him how he was, and said something about something he had in his
+'box,' alluding to a paper of cheap comfits he had bought at Sugarchalk's,
+the confectioner's, sale in Oxford Street, and which he carried about for
+contingencies like the present. This pleased Mrs. Crowdey--looking, as she
+thought, as if he had come predetermined to do what she wanted. Amidst
+praises and stories of the prodigy, they reached the house.
+
+If a 'hall' means a house with an entrance-'hall,' Puddingpote Bower did
+not aspire to be one. A visitor dived, _in medias res_, into the passage at
+once. In it stood an oak-cased family clock, and a large glass-case, with
+an alarming-looking, stuffed tiger-like cat, on an imitation marble slab.
+Underneath the slab, indeed all about the passage, were scattered
+children's hats and caps, hoops, tops, spades, and mutilated toys--spotted
+horses without heads, soldiers without arms, windmills without sails, and
+wheelbarrows without wheels. In a corner were a bunch of 'gibbeys' in the
+rough, and alongside the weather-glass hung Jog's formidable flail of a
+hunting-whip.
+
+Mr. Sponge found his portmanteau standing bolt upright in the passage, with
+the bag alongside of it, just as they had been chucked out of the phaeton
+by Bartholomew Badger, who, having got orders to put the horse right, and
+then to put himself right to wait at dinner, Mr. Jogglebury proceeded to
+vociferate:
+
+'Murry Ann!--Murry Ann!' in such a way that Mary Ann thought either that
+the cat had got young Crowdey, or the house was on fire. 'Oh! Murry Ann!'
+exclaimed Mr. Jogglebury, as she came darting into the passage from the
+back settlements, up to the elbows in soap-suds; 'I want you to (puff)
+upstairs with me, and help to get my (wheeze) gibbey-sticks out of the best
+room; there's a (puff) gentleman coming to (wheeze) here.'
+
+'Oh, indeed, sir,' replied Mary Ann, smiling, and dropping down her
+sleeves--glad to find it was no worse.
+
+They then proceeded upstairs together.
+
+All the gibbey-sticks were bundled out, both the finished ones, that were
+varnished and laid away carefully in the wardrobe, and those that were
+undergoing surgical treatment, in the way of twistings, and bendings, and
+tyings in the closets. As they routed them out of hole and corner,
+Jogglebury kept up a sort of running recommendation to mercy, mingled with
+an inquiry into the state of the household affairs.
+
+'Now (puff), Murry Ann!' exclaimed he; 'take care you don't scratch that
+(puff) Franky Burdett,' handing her a highly varnished oak stick, with the
+head of Sir Francis for a handle; 'and how many (gasp) haddocks d'ye say
+there are in the house?'
+
+'Three, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Three!' repeated he, with an emphasis. 'I thought your (gasp) missus told
+me there were but (puff) two; and, Murry Ann, you must put the new (puff)
+quilt on the (gasp) bed, and (puff) just look under it (gasp) and you'll
+find the (puff) old Truro rolled up in a dirty (puff) pocket hankercher;
+and, Murry Ann, d'ye think the new (wheeze) purtaters came that I bought of
+(puff) Billy Bloxom? If so, you'd better (puff) some for dinner, and get
+the best (wheeze) decanters out; and, Murry Ann, there are two gibbeys on
+the (puff) surbase at the back of the bed, which you may as well (puff)
+away. Ah! here he is,' added Mr. Jogglebury, as Mr. Sponge's voice rose now
+from the passage into the room above.
+
+Things now looked pretty promising. Mr. Sponge's attentions to the children
+generally, and to Gustavus James in particular, coupled with his
+free-and-easy mode of introducing himself, made Mrs. Crowdey feel far more
+at her ease with regard to entertaining him than she would have done if her
+neighbour, Mr. Makepeace, or the Rev. Mr. Facey himself, had dropped in to
+take 'pot luck,' as they called it. With either of these she would have
+wished to appear as if their every-day form was more in accordance with
+their company style, whereas Jog and she wanted to get something out of Mr.
+Sponge, instead of electrifying him with their grandeur. That Gustavus
+James was destined for greatness she had not the least doubt. She began to
+think whether it might not be advisable to call him Gustavus James Sponge.
+Jog, too, was comforted at hearing there were three haddocks, for though
+hospitably inclined, he did not at all like the idea of being on short
+commons himself. He had sufficient confidence in Mrs. Jogglebury's
+management--especially as the guest was of her own seeking--to know that
+she would make up a tolerable dinner.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nor was he out of his reckoning, for at half-past five Bartholomew
+announced dinner, when in sailed Mrs. Crowdey fresh from the composition of
+it and from the becoming revision of her own dress. Instead of the loose,
+flowing, gipsified, stunner tartan of the morning, she was attired in a
+close-fitting French grey silk, showing as well the fulness and whiteness
+of her exquisite bust, as the beautiful formation of her arms. Her raven
+hair was ably parted and flattened on either side of her well-shaped head.
+Sponge felt proud of the honour of having such a fine creature on his arm,
+and kicked about in his tights more than usual.
+
+The dinner, though it might show symptoms of hurry, was yet plentiful and
+good of its kind; and if Bartholomew had not been always getting in Murry
+Ann's way, would have been well set on and served. Jog quaffed quantities
+of foaming bottled porter during the progress of it, and threw himself
+back in his chair at the end, as if thoroughly overcome with his exertions.
+Scarcely were the wine and dessert set on, ere a violent outbreak in the
+nursery caused Mrs. Crowdey to hurry away, leaving Mr. Sponge to enjoy the
+company of her husband.
+
+'You'll drink (puff) fox-hunting, I s'pose,' observed Jog after a pause,
+helping himself to a bumper of port and passing the bottle to Sponge.
+
+'With all my heart,' replied our hero, filling up.
+
+'Fine (puff, wheeze) amusement,' observed Mr. Crowdey, with a yawn after
+another pause, and beating the devil's tattoo upon the table to keep
+himself awake.
+
+'Very,' replied Mr. Sponge, wondering how such a thick-winded chap as Jog
+managed to partake of it.
+
+'Fine (puff, wheeze) appetizer,' observed Jogglebury, after another pause.
+
+'It is,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+Presently Jog began to snore, and as the increasing melody of his nose gave
+little hopes of returning animation, Mr. Sponge had recourse to his old
+friend _Mogg_ and amidst speculations as to time and distances, managed to
+finish the port. We will now pass to the next morning.
+
+Whatever deficiency there might be at dinner was amply atoned for at
+breakfast, which was both good and abundant; bread and cake of all sorts,
+eggs, muffins, toast, honey, jellies, and preserves without end. On the
+side-table was a dish of hot kidneys and a magnificent red home-fed ham.
+
+But a greater treat far, as Mrs. Jogglebury thought, was in the guests set
+around. There were arranged all her tulips in succession, beginning with
+that greatest of all wonders, Gustavus James, and running on with Anna
+Maria, Frederick John, Juliana Jane, Margaret Henrietta, Sarah Amelia, down
+to Peter William, the heir, who sat next his pa. These formed a close line
+on the side of the table opposite the fire, that side being left for Mr.
+Sponge. All the children had clean pinafores on, and their hairs plastered
+according to nursery regulation. Mr. Sponge's appearance was a signal for
+silence, and they all sat staring at him in mute astonishment. Baby,
+Gustavus James, did more; for after reconnoitring him through a sort of
+lattice window formed of his fingers, he whined out, 'Who's that ogl-e-y
+man, ma?' amidst the titter of the rest of the line.
+
+'Hush! my dear,' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, hoping Mr. Sponge hadn't heard.
+But Gustavus James was not to be put down, and he renewed the charge as his
+mamma began pouring out the tea.
+
+'Send that ogl-e-y man away, ma!' whined he, in a louder tone, at which all
+the children burst out a-laughing.
+
+'Baby (puff), Gustavus! (wheeze),' exclaimed Jog, knocking with the handle
+of his knife against the table, and frowning at the prodigy.
+
+'Well, pa, he _is_ a ogl-e-y man,' replied the child, amid the
+ill-suppressed laughter of the rest.
+
+'Ah, but what have _I_ got!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, producing a gaudily
+done-up paper of comfits from his pocket, opening and distributing the
+unwholesome contents along the line, stopping the orator's mouth first with
+a great, red-daubed, almond comfit.
+
+Breakfast was then proceeded with without further difficulty. As it drew to
+a close, and Mr. Sponge began nibbling at the sweets instead of continuing
+his attack on the solids, Mrs. Jogglebury began eyeing and telegraphing her
+husband.
+
+'Jog, my dear,' said she, looking significantly at him, and then at the
+egg-stand, which still contained three eggs.
+
+'Well, my dear,' replied Jog, with a vacant stare, pretending not to
+understand.
+
+'You'd better eat them,' said she, looking again at the eggs.
+
+'I've (puff) breakfasted, my (wheeze) dear,' replied Jog pompously, wiping
+his mouth on his claret-coloured bandana.
+
+'They'll be wasted if you don't,' replied Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Well, but they'll be wasted if I eat them without (wheeze) wanting them,'
+rejoined he.
+
+'Nonsense, Jog, you always say that,' retorted his wife. 'Nonsense (puff),
+nonsense (wheeze), I say they _will_.'
+
+'I say they _won't_!' replied Mrs. Jog; 'now will they, Mr. Sponge?'
+continued she, appealing to our friend.
+
+'Why, no, not so much as if they went out,' replied our friend, thinking
+Mrs. Jog was the one to side with.
+
+'Then you'd better (puff, wheeze, gasp) eat them between you,' replied Jog,
+getting up and strutting out of the room.
+
+Presently he appeared in front of the house, crowned in a pea-green
+wide-awake, with a half-finished gibbey in his hand; and as Mr. Sponge did
+not want to offend him, and moreover wanted to get his horses billeted on
+him, he presently made an excuse for joining him.
+
+Although his horses were standing 'free gratis,' as he called it, at Mr.
+Puffington's, and though he would have thought nothing of making Mr.
+Leather come over with one each hunting morning, still he felt that if the
+hounds were much on the other side of Puddingpote Bower, it would not be so
+convenient as having them there. Despite the egg controversy, he thought a
+judicious application of soft sawder might accomplish what he wanted. At
+all events, he would try.
+
+Jog had brought himself short up, and was standing glowering with his hands
+in his coat-pockets, as if he had never seen the place before.
+
+'Pretty look-out you have here, Mr. Jogglebury,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+joining him.
+
+'Very,' replied Jog, still cogitating the egg question, and thinking he
+wouldn't have so many boiled the next day.
+
+'All yours?' asked Sponge, waving his hand as he spoke.
+
+'My (puff) ter-ri-tory goes up to those (wheeze) firs in the grass-field on
+the hill,' replied Jogglebury, pompously.
+
+'Indeed,' said Mr. Sponge, 'they are fine trees'; thinking what a finish
+they would make for a steeple-chase.
+
+'My (puff) uncle, Crowdey, planted those (wheeze) trees,' observed Jog. 'I
+observe,' added he, 'that it is easier to cut down a (puff) tree than to
+make it (wheeze) again.' 'I believe you're right,' replied Mr. Sponge;
+'that idea has struck me very often.'
+
+'Has it?' replied Jog, puffing voluminously into his frill.
+
+They then advanced a few paces, and, leaning on the iron hurdles, commenced
+staring at the cows.
+
+'Where are the stables?' at last asked Sponge, seeing no inclination to
+move on the part of his host.
+
+'Stables (wheeze)--stables (puff),' replied Jogglebury, recollecting
+Sponge's previous day's proposal--'stables (wheeze) are behind,' said he,
+'at the back there (puff); nothin' to see at them (wheeze).'
+
+'There'll be the horse you drove yesterday; won't you go to see how he is?'
+asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, sure to be well (puff); never nothing the matter with him (wheeze),'
+replied Jogglebury.
+
+'May as well see,' rejoined Mr. Sponge, turning up a narrow walk that
+seemed to lead to the back.
+
+Jog followed doggedly. He had a good deal of John Bull in him, and did not
+fancy being taken possession of in that sort of way; and thought, moreover,
+that Mr. Sponge had not behaved very well in the matter of the egg
+controversy.
+
+The stables certainly were nothing to boast of. They were in an old
+rubble-stone, red-tiled building, without even the delicacy of a ceiling.
+Nevertheless, there was plenty of room even after Jogglebury had cut off
+one end for a cow-house.
+
+'Why, you might hunt the country with all this stabling,' observed Mr.
+Sponge, as he entered the low door. 'One, two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine. Nine stalls, I declare,' added he, after counting them.
+
+'My (puff) uncle used to (wheeze) a good deal of his own (puff) land,'
+replied Jogglebury.
+
+'Ah, well, I'll tell you what: these stables will be much better for being
+occupied,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'And I'll tell you what I'll do for you.'
+
+'But they _are_ occupied!' gasped Jogglebury, convulsively.
+
+'Only half,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'or a quarter, I may say--not even that,
+indeed. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll have my horses over here, and you
+shall find them in straw in return for the manure, and just charge me for
+hay and corn at market price, you know. That'll make it all square and
+fair, and no obligation, you know. I hate obligations,' added he, eyeing
+Jog's disconcerted face.
+
+'Oh, but (puff, wheeze, gasp)--' exclaimed Jogglebury, reddening up--'I
+don't (puff) know that I can (gasp) that. I mean (puff) that this (wheeze)
+stable is all the (gasp) 'commodation I have; and if we had (puff) company,
+or (gasp) anything of that sort, I don't know where we should (wheeze)
+their horses,' continued he. 'Besides, I don't (puff, wheeze) know about
+the market price of (gasp) corn. My (wheeze) tenant, Tom Hayrick, at the
+(puff) farm on the (wheeze) hill yonder, supplies me with the (puff)
+quantity I (wheeze) want, and we just (puff, wheeze, gasp) settle once a
+(puff) half-year, or so.'
+
+'Ah, I see,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'you mean to say you wouldn't know how to
+strike the average so as to say what I ought to pay.'
+
+'Just so,' rejoined Mr. Jogglebury, jumping at the idea.
+
+'Ah, well,' said Mr. Sponge, in a tone of indifference; 'it's no great
+odds--it's no great odds--more the name of the thing than anything else;
+one likes to be independent, you know--one likes to be independent; but as
+I shan't be with you long, I'll just put up with it for once--I'll just put
+up with it for once--and let you find me--and let you find me.' So saying,
+he walked away, leaving Jogglebury petrified at his impudence.
+
+'That husband of yours is a monstrous good fellow,' observed Mr. Sponge to
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who he now met coming out with her tail: 'he _will_ insist
+on my having my horses over here--most liberal, handsome thing of him, I'm
+sure; and that reminds me, can you manage to put up my servant?'
+
+'I dare say we can,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury thoughtfully. 'He's not a very
+fine gentleman, is he?' asked she, knowing that servants were often more
+difficult to please than their masters. 'Oh, not at all,' replied Sponge;
+'not at all--wouldn't suit me if he was--wouldn't suit me if he was.'
+
+Just then up waddled Jogglebury, puffing and wheezing like a stranded
+grampus; the idea having just struck him that he might get off on the plea
+of not having room for the servant.
+
+'It's very unfortunate (wheeze)--that's to say, it never occurred to me
+(puff), but I quite forgot (gasp) that we haven't (wheeze) room for your
+(puff) servant.'
+
+'Ah, you are a good fellow,' replied Mr. Sponge--'a devilish good fellow. I
+was just telling Mrs. Jogglebury--wasn't I, Mrs. Jogglebury?--what an
+excellent fellow you are, and how kind you'd been about the horses and
+corn, and all that sort of thing, when it occurred to me that it mightn't
+be convenient, p'raps to put up a servant; but your wife assures me that it
+will; so that settles the matter, you know--that settles the matter and
+I'll now send for the horses forthwith.'
+
+Jog was utterly disconcerted, and didn't know which way to turn for an
+excuse. Mrs. Jogglebury, though she would rather have been without the
+establishment, did not like to peril Gustavus James's prospects by
+appearing displeased; so she smilingly said she would see and do what they
+could.
+
+Mr. Sponge then procured a messenger to take a note to Hanby House, for Mr.
+Leather, and having written it, amused himself for a time with his cigars
+and his _Mogg_ in his bedroom, and then turned out to see the stable got
+ready, and pick up any information about the hounds, or anything else, from
+anybody he could lay hold of. As luck would have it, he fell in with a
+groom travelling a horse to hunt with Sir Harry Scattercash's hounds,
+which, he said, met at Snobston Green, some eight or nine miles off, the
+next day, and whither Mr. Sponge decided on going.
+
+Mr. Jogglebury's equanimity returning at dinner time, Mr. Sponge was
+persuasive enough to induce him to accompany him, and it was finally
+arranged that Leather should go on with the horses, and Jog should drive
+Sponge to cover in the phe-_a_-ton.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+A FAMILY BREAKFAST ON A HUNTING MORNING
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey was a good deal disconcerted at Gustavus James's
+irreverence to his intended god-papa, and did her best, both by promises
+and entreaties, to bring him to a more becoming state of mind. She promised
+him abundance of good things if he would astonish Mr. Sponge with some of
+his wonderful stories, and expatiated on Mr. Sponge's goodness in bringing
+him the nice comfits, though Mrs. Jogglebury could not but in her heart
+blame them for some little internal inconvenience the wonder had
+experienced during the night. However, she brought him to breakfast in
+pretty good form, where he was cocked up in his high chair beside his
+mamma, the rest of the infantry occupying the position of the previous day,
+all under good-behaviour orders.
+
+Unfortunately, Mr. Sponge, not having been able to get himself up to his
+satisfaction, was late in coming down; and when he did make his appearance,
+the unusual sight of a man in a red coat, a green tie, a blue vest, brown
+boots, &c., completely upset their propriety, and deranged the order of the
+young gentleman's performance. Mr. Sponge, too, conscious that he was late,
+was more eager for his breakfast than anxious to be astonished; so, what
+with repressing the demands of the youngster, watching that the others did
+not break loose, and getting Jog and Mr. Sponge what they wanted, Mrs.
+Crowdey had her hands full. At last, having got them set a-going, she took
+a lump of sugar out of the basin, and showing it to the wonder, laid it
+beside her plate, whispering 'Now, my beauty!' into his ear, as she
+adjusted him in his chair. The child, who had been wound up like a musical
+snuff-box, then went off as follows:
+
+    'Bah, bah, back sheep, have 'ou any 'ool?
+    Ess, marry, have I, three bags full;
+    Un for ye master, un for ye dame,
+    Un for ye 'ittle boy 'ot 'uns about ye 'are.'
+
+But unfortunately, Mr. Sponge was busy with his breakfast, and the prodigy
+wasted his sweetness on the desert air.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury, who had sat listening in ecstasies, saw the offended eye
+and pouting lip of the boy, and attempted to make up with exclamations of
+'That _is_ a clever fellow! That _is_ a wonder!' at the same time showing
+him the sugar.
+
+'A little more (puff) tea, my (wheeze) dear,' said Jogglebury, thrusting
+his great cup up the table.
+
+'Hush! Jog, hush!' exclaimed Mrs. Crowdey, holding up her forefinger, and
+looking significantly first at him, and then at the urchin.
+
+'Now, "Obin and Ichard," my darling,' continued she, addressing herself
+coaxingly to Gustavus James.
+
+'No, _not_ "Obin and Ichard,"' replied the child peevishly.
+
+'Yes, my darling, _do_, that's a treasure.'
+
+'Well, _my_ (puff) darling, give me some (wheeze) tea,' interposed
+Jogglebury, knocking with his knuckles on the table.
+
+'Oh dear. Jog, you and your tea!--you're always wanting tea,' replied Mrs.
+Jogglebury snappishly.
+
+'Well, but, my (puff) dear, you forget that Mr. (wheeze) Sponge and I have
+to be at (puff) Snobston Green at a (wheeze) quarter to eleven, and it's
+good twelve (gasp) miles off.'
+
+'Well, but it'll not take you long to get there,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury;
+'will it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she, again appealing to our friend.
+
+'Sure I don't know,' replied Sponge, eating away; 'Mr. Crowdey finds
+conveyance--I only find company.'
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury Crowdey then prepared to pour her husband out another cup
+of tea, and the musical snuff-box, being now left to itself, went off of
+its own accord with:
+
+    'Diddle, diddle, doubt,
+    My candle's out.
+    My 'ittle dame's not at 'ome--
+    So saddle my hog, and bridle my dog'
+    And bring my 'ittle dame 'ome.'
+
+A poem that in the original programme was intended to come in after 'Obin
+and Ichard,' which was to be the _chef-d'oeuvre_.
+
+Mrs. Jog was delighted, and found herself pouring the tea into the
+sugar-basin instead of into Jog's cup.
+
+Mr. Sponge, too, applauded. 'Well, that _was_ very clever,' said he,
+filling his mouth with cold ham.
+
+'"Saddle my dog, and bridle my hog"--I'll trouble you for another cup of
+tea,' addressing Mrs. Crowdey.
+
+'No, not "saddle my dog," sil-l-e-y man!' drawled the child, making a pet
+lip: '"saddle my _hog_."'
+
+'Oh! "saddle my hog," was it?' replied Mr. Sponge, with apparent surprise;
+'I thought it was "saddle my dog." I'll trouble you for the sugar, Mrs.
+Jogglebury'; adding, 'you have devilish good cream here; how many cows have
+you?'
+
+'Cows (puff), cows (wheeze)?' replied Jogglebury; 'how many cows?' repeated
+he.
+
+'Oh, _two_,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury tartly, vexed at the interruption.
+
+'Pardon me (puff),' replied Jogglebury slowly and solemnly, with a full
+blow into his frill; 'pardon me, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey,
+but there are _three_ (wheeze).'
+
+'Not in milk. Jog--not in milk,' retorted Mrs. Crowdey.
+
+'Three cows, Mrs. (puff) Jogglebury (wheeze) Crowdey, notwithstanding,'
+rejoined our host.
+
+'Well; but when people talk of cream, and ask how many cows you have, they
+mean in milk, _Mister_ Jogglebury Crowdey.'
+
+'Not necessarily. Mistress Jogglebury Crowdey,' replied the pertinacious
+Jog, with another heavy snort. 'Ah, now you're coming your fine poor-law
+guardian knowledge,' rejoined his wife. Jog was chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Union.
+
+While this was going on, young hopeful was sitting cocked up in his high
+chair, evidently mortified at the want of attention.
+
+Mrs. Crowdey saw how things were going, and turning from the cow question,
+endeavoured to re-engage him in his recitations.
+
+'Now, my angel!' exclaimed she, again showing him the sugar; 'tell us about
+"Obin and Ichard."'
+
+'No--not "Obin and Ichard,"' pouted the child.
+
+'Oh yes, my sweet, _do_, that's a good child; the gentleman in the pretty
+coat, who gives baby the nice things, wants to hear it.'
+
+'Come, out with it, young man!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, now putting a large
+piece of cold beef into his mouth.
+
+'Not a 'ung man,' muttered the child, bursting out a-crying, and extending
+his little fat arms to his mamma.
+
+'No, my angel, not a 'ung man yet,' replied Mrs. Jogglebury, taking him out
+of the chair, and hugging him to her bosom.
+
+'He'll be a man before his mother for all that,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+nothing disconcerted by the noise.
+
+Jog had now finished his breakfast, and having pocketed three buns and two
+pieces of toast, with a thick layer of cold ham between them, looked at his
+great warming-pan of a watch, and said to his guest, 'When you're (wheeze),
+I'm (puff).' So saying he got up, and gave his great legs one or two
+convulsive shakes, as if to see that they were on.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury looked reproachfully at him, as much as to say, 'How _can_
+you behave so?'
+
+Mr. Sponge, as he eyed Jog's ill-made, queerly put on garments, wished that
+he had not desired Leather to go to the meet. It would have been better to
+have got the horses a little way off, and have shirked Jog, who did not
+look like a desirable introducer to a hunting field.
+
+'I'll be with you directly,' replied Mr. Sponge, gulping down the remains
+of his tea; adding, 'I've just got to run upstairs and get a cigar.' So
+saying, he jumped up and disappeared.
+
+Murry Ann, not approving of Sponge's smoking in his bedroom, had hid the
+cigar-case under the toilet cover, at the back of the glass, and it was
+some time before he found it.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury availed herself of the lapse of time, and his absence, to
+pacify her young Turk, and try to coax him into reciting the marvellous
+'Obin and Ichard.'
+
+As Mr. Sponge came clanking downstairs with the cigar-case in his hand, she
+met him (accidentally, of course) at the bottom, with the boy in her arms,
+and exclaimed, 'O Mr. Sponge, here's Gustavus James wants to tell you a
+little story.'
+
+Mr. Sponge stopped--inwardly hoping that it would not be a long one.
+
+'Now, my darling,' said she, sticking the boy up straight to get him to
+begin.
+
+'Now, then!' exclaimed Mr. Crowdey, in the true Jehu-like style, from the
+vehicle at the door, in which he had composed himself.
+
+'Coming, Jog! coming!' replied Mrs. Crowdey, with a frown on her brow at
+the untimely interruption; then appealing again to the child, who was
+nestling in his mother's bosom, as if disinclined to show off, she said,
+'Now, my darling, let the gentleman hear how nicely you'll say it.'
+
+The child still slunk.
+
+'That's a fine fellow, out with it!' said Mr. Sponge, taking up his hat to
+be off.
+
+'Now, then!' exclaimed his host again.
+
+'Coming!' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+As if to thwart him, the child then began, Mrs. Jogglebury holding up her
+forefinger as well in admiration as to keep silence:
+
+    'Obin and Ichard, two pretty men,
+    Lay in bed till 'e clock struck ten;
+    Up starts Obin, and looks at the sky--'
+
+And then the brat stopped.
+
+'Very beautiful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'very beautiful! One of Moore's,
+isn't it? Thank you, my little dear, thank you,' added he, chucking him
+under the chin, and putting on his hat to be off.
+
+'O, but stop, Mr. Sponge!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, 'you haven't heard it
+all--there's more yet.'
+
+Then turning to the child, she thus attempted to give him the cue.
+
+'O, ho! bother--'
+
+'Now, then! time's hup!' again shouted Jogglebury into the passage.
+
+'O dear, Mr. Jogglebury, will you hold your stoopid tongue!' exclaimed she,
+adding, 'you certainly are the most tiresome man under the sun.' She then
+turned to the child with:
+
+'O ho! bother Ichard' again.
+
+But the child was mute, and Mr. Sponge fearing, from some indistinct
+growling that proceeded from the carriage, that a storm was brewing,
+endeavoured to cut short the entertainment by exclaiming:
+
+'Wonderful two-year-old! Pity he's not in the Darby. Dare say he'll tell me
+the rest when I come back.'
+
+But this only added fuel to the fire of Mrs. Jogglebury's ardour, and made
+her more anxious that Sponge should not lose a word of it. Accordingly she
+gave the fat dumpling another jerk up on her arm, and repeated:
+
+'O ho! bother Ichard, the--What's very high?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury
+coaxingly.
+
+    'Sun's very high,'
+
+replied the child.
+
+'Yes, my darling!' exclaimed the delighted mamma. Mrs. Jogglebury then
+proceeded with:
+
+                     'Ou go before--'
+    CHILD.--'With bottle and bag,'
+    MAMMA.--'And I'll follow after--'
+    CHILD.--'With 'ittle Jack Nag.'
+
+'Well now, that _is_ wonderful!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, hurrying on his
+dog-skin gloves, and wishing both Obin and Ichard farther.
+
+'Isn't it!' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury, in ecstasies; then addressing the
+child, she said, 'Now that _is_ a good boy--that _is_ a fine fellow. Now
+couldn't he say it all over by himself, doesn't he think?' Mrs. Jogglebury
+looking at Sponge, as if she was meditating the richest possible treat for
+him.
+
+'Oh,' replied Mr. Sponge, quite tired of the detention, 'he'll tell me it
+when I return--he'll tell me it when I return,' at the same time giving the
+child another parting chuck under the chin. But the child was not to be put
+off in that way, and instead of crouching, and nestling, and hiding its
+face, it looked up quite boldly, and after a little hesitation went through
+'Obin and Ichard,' to the delight of Mrs. Jogglebury, the mortification of
+Sponge, and the growling denunciations of old Jog, who still kept his place
+in the vehicle. Mr. Sponge could not but stay the poem out.
+
+At last they got started, Jog driving. Sponge occupying the low seat, Jog's
+flail and Sponge's cane whip-stick stuck in the straps of the apron. Jog
+was very crusty at first, and did little but whip and flog the old horse,
+and puff and growl about being late, keeping people waiting, over-driving
+the horse, and so on.
+
+'Have a cigar?' at last asked Sponge, opening the well-filled case, and
+tendering that olive branch to his companion.
+
+'Cigar (wheeze), cigar (puff)?' replied Jog, eyeing the case; 'why, no,
+p'raps not, I think (wheeze), thank'e.'
+
+'Do you never smoke?' asked Sponge.
+
+'(Puff--wheeze) Not often,' replied Jogglebury, looking about him with an
+air of indifference. He did not like to say no, because Springwheat smoked,
+though Mrs. Springey highly disapproved of it.
+
+'You'll find them very mild,' observed Sponge, taking one out for himself,
+and again tendering the case to his friend.
+
+'Mild (wheeze), mild (puff), are they?' said Jog, thinking he would try
+one.
+
+Mr. Sponge then struck a light, and, getting his own cigar well under way,
+lit one for his friend, and presented it to him. They then went puffing,
+and whipping, and smoking in silence. Jog spoke first. 'I'm going to be
+(puff) sick,' observed he, slowly and solemnly.
+
+'Hope not,' replied Mr. Sponge, with a hearty whiff, up into the air.
+
+'I _am_ going to be (puff) sick,' observed Jog, after another pause.
+
+'Be sick on your own side, then,' replied Sponge, with another hearty
+whiff.
+
+'By the (puff) powers! I _am_ (puff) sick!' exclaimed Jogglebury, after
+another pause, and throwing away the cigar. 'Oh, dear!' exclaimed he, 'you
+shouldn't have given me that nasty (puff) thing.'
+
+'My dear fellow, I didn't know it would make you sick,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well, but (puff) if they (wheeze) other people sick, in all (puff)
+probability they'll (wheeze) me. There!' exclaimed he, pulling up again.
+
+The delays occasioned by these catastrophes, together with the time lost by
+'Obin and Ichard,' threw our sportsmen out considerably. When they reached
+Chalkerley Gate it wanted ten minutes to eleven, and they had still three
+miles to go.
+
+'We shall be late,' observed Sponge inwardly denouncing 'Obin and Ichard.'
+
+'Shouldn't wonder,' replied Jog, adding, with a puff into his frill,
+'consequences of making me sick, you see.'
+
+'My dear fellow, if you don't know your own stomach by this time, you did
+ought to do,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I (puff) flatter myself I _do_ (wheeze) my own stomach,' replied
+Jogglebury tartly.
+
+They then rumbled on for some time in silence.
+
+When they came within sight of Snobston Green, the coast was clear. Not a
+red coat, or hunting indication of any sort, was to be seen.
+
+'I told you so (puff)!' growled Jog, blowing full into his frill, and
+pulling up short.
+
+'They be gone to Hackberry Dean,' said an old man, breaking stones by the
+roadside.
+
+'Hackberry Dean (puff)--Hackberry Dean (wheeze)!' replied Jog thoughtfully;
+'then we must (puff) by Tollarton Mill, and through the (wheeze) village to
+Stewley?' 'Y-e-a-z,' drawled the man.
+
+Jog then drove on a few paces, and turned up a lane to the left, whose
+finger-post directed the road 'to Tollarton.' He seemed less disconcerted
+than Sponge, who kept inwardly anathematizing, not only 'Obin and Ichard,'
+but 'Diddle, diddle, doubt'--'Bah, bah, black sheep'--the whole tribe of
+nursery ballads, in short.
+
+The fact was, Jog wanted to be into Hackberry Dean, which was full of fine,
+straight hollies, fit either for gibbeys or whip-sticks, and the hounds
+being there gave him the entree. It was for helping himself there, without
+this excuse, that he had been 'county-courted,' and he did not care to
+renew his acquaintance with the judge. He now whipped and jagged the old
+nag, as if intent on catching the hounds. Mr. Sponge liberated his whip
+from the apron-straps, and lent a hand when Jog began to flag. So they
+rattled and jingled away at an amended pace. Still it seemed to Mr. Sponge
+as if they would never get there. Having passed through Tollarton, and
+cleared the village of Stewley, Mr. Sponge strained his eyes in every
+direction where there was a bit of wood, in hopes of seeing something of
+the hounds. Meanwhile Jog was shuffling his little axe from below the
+cushion of the driving-seat into the pocket of his great-coat. All of a
+sudden he pulled up, as they were passing a bank of wood (Hackberry Dean),
+and handing the reins to his companion, said:
+
+'Just lay hold for a minute whilst I (puff) out.'
+
+'What's happened?' asked Sponge. 'Not sick again, are you?'
+
+'No (puff), not exactly (wheeze) sick, but I want to be out all the (puff)
+same.'
+
+So saying, out he bundled, and, crushing through the fern-grown woodbiney
+fence, darted into the wood in a way that astonished our hero. Presently
+the chop, chop, chop of the axe revealed the mystery.
+
+'By the powers, the fool's at his sticks!' exclaimed Sponge, disgusted at
+the contretemps. 'Mister Jogglebury!' roared he, 'Mister Jogglebury, we
+shall never catch up the hounds at this rate!'
+
+But Jog was deaf--chop, chop, chop was all the answer Mr. Sponge got.
+
+'Well, hang me if ever I saw such a fellow!' continued Sponge, thinking he
+would drive on if he only knew the way.
+
+'Chop, chop, chop,' continued the axe.
+
+'Mister Jogglebury! Mister Jogglebury Crowdey _a-hooi_!' roared Sponge, at
+the top of his voice.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOGGLEBURY CROWDEY ON HIS HOBBY]
+
+The axe stopped. 'Anybody comin'?' resounded from the wood.
+
+'_You come_,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Presently,' was the answer; and the chop, chop, chopping was resumed.
+
+'The man's mad,' muttered Mr. Sponge, throwing himself back in the seat.
+At length Jog appeared brushing and tearing his way out of the wood, with
+two fine hollies under his arm. He was running down with perspiration, and
+looked anxiously up and down the road as he blundered through the fence to
+see if there was any one coming.
+
+'I really think (puff) this will make a four-in-hander (wheeze),' exclaimed
+he, as he advanced towards the carriage, holding a holly so as to show its
+full length--'not that I (puff, wheeze, gasp) do much in that (puff,
+wheeze) line, but really it is such a (puff, wheeze) beauty that I couldn't
+(puff, wheeze, gasp) resist it.'
+
+'Well, but I thought we were going to hunt,' observed Mr. Sponge dryly.
+
+'Hunt (puff)! so we are (wheeze); but there are no hounds (gasp). My good
+(puff) man,' continued he, addressing a smock-frocked countryman, who now
+came up, 'have you seen anything of the (wheeze) hounds?'
+
+'E-e-s,' replied the man. 'They be gone to Brookdale Plantin'.'
+
+'Then we'd better (puff) after them,' said Jog, running the stick through
+the apron-straps, and bundling into the phaeton with the long one in his
+hand.
+
+Away they rattled and jingled as before.
+
+'How far is it?' asked Mr. Sponge, vexed at the detention.
+
+'Oh (puff), close by (wheeze),' replied Jog.
+
+'Close by,' as most of our sporting readers well know to their cost, is
+generally anything but close by. Nor was Jog's close by, close by on this
+occasion.
+
+'There,' said Jog, after they had got crawled up Trampington Hill; 'that's
+it (puff) to the right, by the (wheeze) water there,' pointing to a
+plantation about a mile off, with a pond shining at the end.
+
+Just as Mr. Sponge caught view of the water, the twang of a horn was heard,
+and the hounds came pouring, full cry, out of cover, followed by about
+twenty variously clad horsemen, and our friend had the satisfaction of
+seeing them run clean out of sight, over as fine a country as ever was
+crossed. Worst of all, he thought he saw Leather pounding away on the
+chestnut.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII
+
+HUNTING THE HOUNDS
+
+
+Tramptinton Hill, whose summit they had just reached as the hounds broke
+cover, commanded an extensive view over the adjoining vale, and, as Mr.
+Sponge sat shading his eyes with his hands from a bright wintry sun, he
+thought he saw them come to a check, and afterwards bend to the left.
+
+'I really think,' said he, addressing his still perspiring companion, 'that
+if you were to make for that road on the left' (pointing one out as seen
+between the low hedge-rows in the distance), 'we might catch them up yet.'
+
+'Left (puff), left (wheeze)?' replied Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey, staring about
+with anything but the quickness that marked his movements when he dived
+into Hackberry Dean.
+
+'Don't you see,' asked Sponge tartly, 'there's a road by the corn-stacks
+yonder?' Pointing them out.
+
+'I see,' replied Jogglebury, blowing freely into his shirt-frill. 'I see,'
+repeated he, staring that way; 'but I think (puff) that's a mere (wheeze)
+occupation road, leading to (gasp) nowhere.'
+
+'Never mind, let's try!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, giving the rein a jerk, to
+get the horse into motion again; adding, 'it's no use sitting here, you
+know, like a couple of fools, when the hounds are running.'
+
+'Couple of (puff)!' growled Jog, not liking the appellation, and wishing to
+be home with the long holly. 'I don't see anything (wheeze) foolish in the
+(puff) business.'
+
+'There they are!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who had kept his eye on the spot he
+last viewed them, and now saw the horsemen titt-up-ing across a grass field
+in the easy way that distance makes very uneasy riding look. 'Cut along!'
+exclaimed he, laying into the horse's hind-quarters with his hunting-whip.
+
+'Don't! the horse is (puff) tired,' retorted Jog angrily, holding the
+horse, instead of letting him go to Sponge's salute.
+
+'Not a bit on't!' exclaimed Sponge; 'fresh as paint! Spring him a bit,
+that's a good fellow!' added he.
+
+Jog didn't fancy being dictated to in this way, and just crawled along at
+his own pace, some six miles an hour, his dull phlegmatic face contrasting
+with the eager excitement of Mr. Sponge's countenance. If it had not been
+that Jog wanted to see that Leather did not play any tricks with his horse,
+he would not have gone a yard to please Mr. Sponge. Jog might, however,
+have been easy on that score, for Leather had just buckled the curb-rein of
+the horse's bridle round a tree in the plantations where they found, and
+the animal, being used to this sort of work, had fallen-to quite
+contentedly upon the grass within reach.
+
+Bilkington Pike now appeared in view, and Jog drew in as he spied it. He
+knew the damage: sixpence for carriages, and he doubted that Sponge would
+pay it.
+
+'It's no use going any (wheeze) farther,' observed he, drawing up into a
+walk, as he eyed the red-brick gable end of the toll-house, and the
+formidable white gate across the road.
+
+Tom Coppers had heard the hounds, and, knowing the hurry sportsmen are
+often in, had taken the precaution to lock the gate.
+
+'Just a _leetle_ farther!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge soothingly, whose anxiety
+in looking after the hounds had prevented his seeing this formidable
+impediment. 'If you would just drive up to that farmhouse on the hill,'
+pointing to one about half a mile off, 'I think we should be able to decide
+whether it's worth going on or not.'
+
+'Well (puff), well (wheeze), well (gasp),' pondered Jogglebury, still
+staring at the gate, 'if you (puff) think it's worth (wheeze) while going
+through the (gasp) gate,' nodding towards it as he spoke.
+
+'Oh, never mind the gate,' replied Mr. Sponge, with an ostentatious dive
+into his breeches pocket, as if he was going to pay it.
+
+He kept his hand in his pocket till he came close up to the gate, when,
+suddenly drawing it out, he said:
+
+'Oh, hang it! I've left my purse at home! Never mind, drive on,' said he to
+his host; exclaiming to the man, 'it's Mr. Crowdey's carriage--Mr.
+Jogglebury Crowdey's carriage! Mr. Crowdey, the chairman of the
+Stir-it-stiff Poor-Law Union!'
+
+'Sixpence!' shouted the man, following the phaeton with outstretched hand.
+
+''Ord, hang it (puff)! I could have done that (wheeze),' growled
+Jogglebury, pulling up.
+
+'You harn't got no ticket,' said Coppers, coming up, 'and ain't a-goin' to
+not never no meetin' o' trustees, are you?' asked he, seeing the importance
+of the person with whom he had to deal;--a trustee of that and other roads,
+and one who always availed himself of his privilege of going to the
+meetings toll-free.
+
+'No,' replied Jog, pompously handing Sponge the whip and reins.
+
+He then rose deliberately from his seat, and slowly unbuttoned each
+particular button of the brown great-coat he had over the tight black
+hunting one. He then unbuttoned the black, and next the right-hand pocket
+of the white moleskins, in which he carried his money. He then deliberately
+fished up his green-and-gold purse, a souvenir of Miss Smiler (the
+plaintiff in the breach-of-promise action, Smiler _v._ Jogglebury), and
+holding it with both hands before his eyes, to see which end contained the
+silver, he slowly drew the slide, and took out a shilling, though there
+were plenty of sixpences in.
+
+This gave the man an errand into the toll-house to get one, and, by way of
+marking his attention, when he returned he said, in the negative way that
+country people put a question:
+
+'You'll not need a ticket, will you?'
+
+'Ticket (puff), ticket (wheeze)?' repeated Jog thoughtfully. 'Yes, I'll
+take a ticket,' said he.
+
+'Oh! hang it, no,' replied Sponge; 'let's get on!' stamping against the
+bottom of the phaeton to set the horse a-going. 'Costs nothin',' observed
+Jog drily, drawing the reins, as the man again returned to the gate-house.
+
+A considerable delay then took place; first, Pikey had to find his glasses,
+as he called his spectacles, to look out a one-horse-chaise ticket. Then he
+had to look out the tickets, when he found he had all sorts except a
+one-horse-chaise one ready--waggons, hearses, mourning-coaches,
+saddle-horses, chaises and pair, mules, asses, every sort but the one that
+was wanted. Well, then he had to fill one up, and to do this he had, first,
+to find the ink-horn, and then a pen that would 'mark,' so that,
+altogether, a delay took place that would have been peculiarly edifying to
+a Kennington Common or Lambeth gate-keeper to witness.
+
+But it was not all over yet. Having got the ticket Jog examined it
+minutely, to see that it was all right, then held it to his nose to smell
+it, and ultimately drew the purse slide, and deposited it among the
+sovereigns. He then restored that expensive trophy to his pocket, shook his
+leg, to send it down, then buttoned the pocket, and took the tight black
+coat with both hands and dragged it across his chest, so as to get his
+stomach in. He then gasped and held his breath, making himself as small as
+possible, while he coaxed the buttons into the holes; and that difficult
+process being at length accomplished, he stood still awhile to take breath
+after the exertion. Then he began to rebutton the easy, brown great-coat,
+going deliberately up the whole series, from the small button below, to
+keep the laps together, up to the one on the neck, or where the neck would
+have been if Jog had not been all stomach up to the chin. He then soused
+himself into his seat, and, snorting heavily through his nostrils, took the
+reins and whip and long holly from Mr. Sponge, and drove leisurely on.
+Sponge sat anathematizing his slowness.
+
+When they reached the farmhouse on the hill the hounds were fairly in view.
+The huntsman was casting them, and the horsemen were grouped about as
+usual, while the laggers were stealing quietly up the lanes and by-roads,
+thinking nobody would see them. Save the whites or the greys, our friends
+in the 'chay' were not sufficiently near to descry the colours of the
+horses; but Mr. Sponge could not help thinking that he recognized the
+outline of the wicked chestnut, Multum in Parvo.
+
+'By the powers, but if it is him,' muttered he to himself, clenching his
+fist and grinding his teeth as he spoke, 'but I'll--I'll--I'll make _sich_
+an example of you,' meaning of Leather.
+
+Mr. Sponge could not exactly say what he would do, for it was by no means a
+settled point whether Leather or he were master. But to the hounds. If it
+had not been for Mr. Sponge's shabbiness at the turnpike gate, we really
+believe he might now have caught them up, for the road to them was down
+hill all the way, and the impetus of the vehicle would have sent the old
+screw along. That delay, however, was fatal. Before they had gone a quarter
+of the distance the hounds suddenly struck the scent at a hedge-row, and,
+with heads up and sterns down, went straight away at a pace that
+annihilated all hope. They were out of sight in a minute. It was clearly a
+case of kill.
+
+'Well, there's a go!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, folding his arms, and throwing
+himself back in the phaeton in disgust. 'I think I never saw such a mess as
+we've made this morning.'
+
+And he looked at the stick in the apron, and the long holly between Jog's
+legs, and longed to lay them about his great back.
+
+'Well (puff), I s'pose (wheeze) we may as well (puff) home now?' observed
+Jog, looking about him quite unconcernedly.
+
+'I think so,' snapped Sponge, adding, 'we've done it for once, at all
+events.'
+
+The observation, however, was lost upon Jog, whose mind was occupied with
+thinking how to get the phaeton round without upsetting. The road was
+narrow at best, and the newly laid stone-heaps had encroached upon its
+bounds. He first tried to back between two stone-heaps, but only succeeded
+in running a wheel into one; he then tried the forward tack, with no better
+success, till Mr. Sponge seeing matters were getting worse, just jumped
+out, and taking the old horse by the head, executed the manoeuvre that
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey first attempted. They then commenced retracing their
+steps, rather a long trail, even for people in an amiable mood, but a
+terribly long one for disagreeing ones.
+
+Jog, to be sure, was pretty comfortable. He had got all he wanted--all he
+went out a-hunting for; and as he hissed and jerked the old horse along, he
+kept casting an eye at the contents of the apron, thinking what crowned, or
+great man's head, the now rough, club-headed knobs should be fashioned to
+represent; and indulged in speculations as to their prospective worth and
+possible destination. He had not the slightest doubt that a thousand sticks
+to each of his children would be as good as a couple of thousand pounds
+a-piece; sometimes he thought more, but never less. Mr. Sponge, on the
+other hand, brooded over the loss of the run; indulged in all sorts of
+speculations as to the splendour of the affair; pictured the figure he
+would have cut on the chestnut, and the price he might have got for him in
+the field. Then he thought of the bucketing Leather would give him; the way
+he would ram him at everything; how he would let him go with a slack rein
+in the deep--very likely making him over-reach--nay, there was no saying
+but he might stake him.
+
+Then he thought over all the misfortunes and mishaps of the day. The
+unpropitious toilet; the aggravation of 'Obin and Ichard'; the delay caused
+by Jog being sick with his cigar; the divergence into Hackberry Dean; and
+the long protracted wait at the toll-bar. Reviewing all the circumstances
+fairly and dispassionately, Mr. Sponge came to the determination of having
+nothing more to do with Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey in the hunting way. These,
+or similar cogitations and resolutions were, at length, interrupted by
+their arriving at home, as denoted by an outburst of children rushing from
+the lodge to receive them--Gustavus James, in his nurse's arms, bringing up
+the rear, to whom our friend could hardly raise the semblance of a smile.
+
+It was all that little brat! thought he.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+COUNTRY QUARTERS
+
+
+[Illustration: LADY SCATTERCASH]
+
+Sir Harry Scattercash's were only an ill-supported pack of hounds; they
+were not kept upon any fixed principles. We do not mean to say that they
+had not plenty to eat, but their management was only of the scrimmaging
+order. Sir Harry was what is technically called 'going it.' Like our noble
+friend, Lord Hard-up, now Earl of Scamperdale, he had worked through the
+morning of life without knowing what it was to be troubled with money; but,
+unlike his lordship, now that he had unexpectedly come into some, he seemed
+bent upon trying how fast he could get through it. In this laudable
+endeavour he was ably assisted by Lady Scattercash, late the lovely and
+elegant Miss Spangles, of the 'Theatre Royal, Sadler's Wells.' Sir Harry
+had married her before his windfall made him a baronet, having, at the
+time, some intention of trying his luck on the stage, but he always
+declared that he never regretted his choice; on the contrary, he said, if
+he had gone among the 'duchesses,' he could not have suited himself better.
+Lady Scattercash could ride--indeed, she used to do scenes in the circle
+(two horses and a flag)--and she could drive, and smoke, and sing, and was
+possessed of many other accomplishments. Sir Harry would sometimes drink
+straight on end for a week, and then not taste wine again for a month;
+sometimes the hounds hunted, and sometimes they did not; sometimes they
+were advertized, and sometimes they were not; sometimes they went out on
+one day, and sometimes on another; sometimes they were fixed to be at such
+a place, and went to quite a different one. When Sir Harry was on a
+drinking-bout they were shut up altogether; and the huntsman, Tom Watchorn,
+late of the 'Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers,' an early
+acquaintance of Miss Spangles--indeed, some said he was her uncle--used to
+go away on a drinking excursion too. Altogether, they were what the country
+people called a very 'promiscuous set.' The hounds were of all sorts and
+sizes; the horses of no particular stamp; and the men scamps and vagabonds
+of the first class.
+
+With such a master and such an establishment, we need hardly say that no
+stranger ever came into the country for the purpose of hunting. Sir Harry's
+fields were entirely composed of his own choice 'set,' and a few farmers,
+and people whom he could abuse and do what he liked with. Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey, to be sure, had mentioned Sir Harry approvingly, when he went to
+Mr. Puffington's, to inveigle Mr. Sponge over to Puddingpote Bower; but
+what might suit Mr. Jogglebury, who went out to seek gibbey sticks, might
+not suit a person who went out for the purpose of hunting a fox in order to
+show off and sell his horses. In fact, Puddingpote Bower was an exceedingly
+bad hunting quarter, as things turned out. Sir Harry Scattercash, having
+had the run described in our two preceding chapters, and having just
+imported a few of the 'sock-and-buskin' sort from town, was not likely to
+be going out again for a time; while Mr. Puffington, finding where Mr.
+Sponge had taken refuge, determined not to meet within reach of Puddingpote
+Bower, if he could possibly help it; and Lord Scamperdale was almost always
+beyond distance, unless horse and rider lay out over-night--a proceeding
+always deprecated by prudent sportsmen. Mr. Sponge, therefore, got more of
+Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's company than he wanted, and Mr. Crowdey got more
+of Mr. Sponge's than he desired. In vain Jog took him up into his attics
+and his closets, and his various holes and corners, and showed him his
+enormous stock of sticks--some tied in sheaves, like corn; some put up more
+sparingly; and others, again, wrapped in silver paper, with their valuable
+heads enveloped in old gloves. Jog would untie the strings of these, and
+placing the heads in the most favourable position before our friend, just
+as an artist would a portrait, question him as to whom he thought they
+were.
+
+'There, now (puff),' said he, holding up one that he thought there could be
+no mistake about; 'who do you (wheeze) that is?'
+
+'Deaf Burke,' replied Mr. Sponge, after a stare.
+
+'_Deaf Burke!_ (puff),' replied Jog indignantly.
+
+'Who is it, then?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Can't you see? (wheeze),' replied Jog tartly.
+
+'No,' replied Sponge, after another examination. 'It's not Scroggins, is
+it?'
+
+'Napoleon (puff) Bonaparte,' replied Jog, with great dignity, returning the
+head to the glove.
+
+He showed several others, with little better success, Mr. Sponge seeming
+rather to take a pleasure in finding ridiculous likenesses, instead of
+helping his host out in his conceits. The stick-mania was a failure, as far
+as Mr. Sponge was concerned. Neither were the peregrinations about the
+farms, or ter-ri-to-ry, as Jog called his estate, more successful; a man's
+estate, like his children, being seldom of much interest to any but
+himself.
+
+Jog and Sponge were soon most heartily sick of each other. Nor did Mrs.
+Jog's charms, nor the voluble enunciation of 'Obin and Ichard,' followed by
+'Bah, bah, black sheep,' &c, from that wonderful boy, Gustavus James, mend
+matters; for the young rogue having been in Mr. Sponge's room while Murry
+Ann was doing it out, had torn the back off Sponge's _Mogg_, and made such
+a mess of his tooth-brush, by cleaning his shoes with it, as never was
+seen.
+
+Mr. Sponge soon began to think it was not worth while staying at
+Puddingpote Bower for the mere sake of his keep, seeing there was no
+hunting to be had from it, and it did not do to keep hack hunters idle,
+especially in open weather. Leather and he, for once, were of the same
+opinion, and that worthy shook his head, and said Mr. Crowdey was 'awful
+mean,' at the same time pulling out a sample of bad ship oats, that he had
+got from a neighbouring ostler, to show the 'stuff' their 'osses' were a
+eatin' of. The fact was, Jog's beer was nothing like so strong as Mr.
+Puffington's; added to which, Mr. Crowdey carried the principles of the
+poor-law union into his own establishment, and dieted his servants upon
+certain rules. Sunday, roast beef, potatoes, and pudding under the meat;
+Monday, fried beef, and stick-jaw (as they profanely called a certain
+pudding); Wednesday, leg of mutton, and so on. The allowance of beer was a
+pint and a half per diem to Bartholomew, and a pint to each woman; and Mr.
+Crowdey used to observe from the head of the servants' dinner-table on the
+arrival of each cargo, 'Now this (puff) beer is to (wheeze) a month, and,
+if you choose to drink it in a (gasp) day, you'll go without any for the
+rest of the (wheeze) time'; an intimation that had a very favourable effect
+upon the tap. Mr. Leather, however, did not like it. 'Puffington's
+servants,' he said, 'had beer whenever they chose,' and he thought it
+'awful mean' restricting the quantity. Mr. Jog, however, was not to be
+moved. Thus time crawled heavily on.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jog had a long confab one night on the expediency of getting
+rid of Mr. Sponge. Mrs. Jog wanted to keep him on till after the
+christening; while Jog combated her reasons by representing the
+improbability of its doing Gustavus James any good having him for a
+godpapa, seeing Sponge's age, and the probability of his marrying himself.
+Mrs. Jog, however, was very determined; rather too much so, indeed, for she
+awakened Jog's jealousy, who lay tossing and tumbling about all through the
+night.
+
+He was up very early, and as Mrs. Jog was falling into a comfortable nap,
+she was aroused by his well-known voice hallooing as loud as he could in
+the middle of the entrance-passage.
+
+'BARTHOLO-_me-e-w!_' the last syllable being pronounced or
+prolonged like a mew of a cat. 'BARTHOLO-_me-e-w!_' repeated he,
+not getting an answer to the first shout.
+
+'MURRY ANN!' shouted he, after another pause.
+
+'MURRY ANN!' exclaimed he, still louder.
+
+Just then, the iron latch of a door at the top of the house opened, and a
+female voice exclaimed hurriedly over the banisters:
+
+'Yes, sir! here, sir! comin' sir! comin'!'
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann (puff), that's (wheeze) you, is it?' asked Jog, still
+speaking at the top of his voice.
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Oh! then, Murry Ann, I wanted to (puff)--that you'd better get the (puff)
+breakfast ready early. I think Mr. (gasp)--Sponge will be (wheezing) away
+to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+All this was said in such a tone as could not fail to be heard all over the
+house; certainly into Mr. Sponge's room, which was midway between the
+speakers.
+
+What prevented Mr. Sponge wheezing away, will appear in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L
+
+SIR HARRY SCATTERCASH'S HOUNDS
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The reason Mr. Sponge did not take his departure, after the pretty
+intelligible hint given by his host, was that, as he was passing his
+shilling army razor over his soapy chin, he saw a stockingless lad, in a
+purply coat and faded hunting-cap, making his way up to the house, at a
+pace that betokened more than ordinary vagrancy. It was the kennel, stable,
+and servants' hall courier of Nonsuch House, come to say that Sir Harry
+hunted that day.
+
+Presently Mr. Leather knocked at Mr. Sponge's bedroom door, and, being
+invited in, announced the fact.
+
+'Sir 'Arry's 'ounds 'unt,' said he, twisting the door handle as he spoke.
+
+'What time?' asked Mr. Sponge, with his half-shaven face turned towards
+him.
+
+'Meet at eleven,' replied Leather.
+
+'Where?' inquired Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Nonsuch House, 'bout nine miles off.'
+
+It was thirteen, but Mr. Leather heard the malt liquor was good and wanted
+to taste it.
+
+'Take on the brown, then,' said Mr. Sponge, quite pompously;' and tell
+Bartholomew to have the hack at the door at ten--or say a quarter to. Tell
+him, I'll lick him for every minute he's late; and, mind, don't let old
+Rory O'More here know,' meaning our friend Jog, 'or he may take a fancy to
+go, and we shall never get there,' alluding to their former excursion.
+
+'No, no,' replied Mr. Leather, leaving the room.
+
+Mr. Sponge then arrayed himself in his hunting costume--scarlet coat, green
+tie, blue vest, gosling-coloured cords, and brown tops; and was greeted
+with a round of applause from the little Jogs as he entered the
+breakfast-room. Gustavus James would handle him; and, considering that his
+paws were all over raspberry jam, our friend would as soon have dispensed
+with his attentions. Mrs. Jog was all smiles, and Jog all scowls.
+
+A little after ten our friend, cigar in mouth, was in the saddle. Mrs. Jog,
+with Gustavus James in her arms, and all the children clustering about,
+stood in the passage to see him start, and watch the capers and caprioles
+of the piebald, as he ambled down the avenue.
+
+'Nine miles--nine miles,' muttered Mr. Sponge to himself, as he passed
+through the Lodge and turned up the Quarryburn road; 'do it in an hour well
+enough,' said he, sticking spurs into the hack, and cantering away.
+
+Having kept this pace up for about five miles, till he thought from the
+view he had taken of the map it was about time to be turning, he hailed a
+blacksmith in his shop, who, next to saddlers, are generally the most
+intelligent people about hounds, and asked how far it was to Sir Harry's?
+
+'Eight miles,' replied the man, in a minute. 'Impossible!' exclaimed Mr.
+Sponge. 'It was only nine at starting, and I've come I don't know how
+many.'
+
+The next person Mr. Sponge met told him it was ten miles; the third, after
+asking him where he had come from, said he was a stranger in the country,
+and had never heard of the place; and, what with Mr. Leather's original
+mis-statement, misdirections from other people, and mistakes of his own, it
+was more good luck than good management that got Mr. Sponge to Nonsuch
+House in time.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE STARTING FROM THE BOWER]
+
+The fact was, the whole hunt was knocked up in a hurry. Sir Harry, and the
+choice spirits by whom he was surrounded, had not finished celebrating the
+triumphs of the Snobston Green day, and as it was not likely that the
+hounds would be out again soon, the people of the hunting establishment
+were taking their ease. Watchorn had gone to be entertained at a public
+supper, given by the poachers and fox-stealers of the village of Bark-shot,
+as a 'mark of respect for his abilities as a sportsman and his integrity as
+a man,' meaning his indifference to his master's interests; while the
+first-whip had gone to visit his aunt, and the groom was away negotiating
+the exchange of a cow. With things in this state, Wily Tom of Tinklerhatch,
+a noted fox-stealer in Lord Scamperdale's country, had arrived with a great
+thundering dog fox, stolen from his lordship's cover near the cross roads
+at Dallington Burn, which being communicated to our friends about midnight
+in the smoking-room at Nonsuch House, it was resolved to hunt him
+forthwith, especially as one of the guests, Mr. Orlando Bugles, of the
+Surrey Theatre, was obliged to return to town immediately, and, as he
+sometimes enacted the part of Squire Tallyho, it was thought a little of
+the reality might correct the Tom and Jerry style in which he did it.
+Accordingly, orders were issued for a hunt, notwithstanding the hounds were
+fed and the horses watered. Sir Harry didn't 'care a rap; let them go as
+fast as they could.'
+
+All these circumstances conspired to make them late; added to which, when
+Watchorn, the huntsman, cast up, which he did on a higgler's horse, he
+found the only sound one in his stud had gone to the neighbouring town to
+get some fiddlers--her ladyship having determined to compliment Mr. Bugles'
+visit by a quadrille party. Bugles and she were old friends. When Mr.
+Sponge cast up at half-past eleven, things were still behind-hand.
+
+Sir Harry and party had had a wet night of it, and were all more or less
+drunk. They had kept up the excitement with a champagne breakfast and
+various liqueurs, to say nothing of cigars. They were a sad
+debauched-looking set, some of them scarcely out of their teens, with
+pallid cheeks, trembling hands, sunken eyes, and all the symptoms of
+premature decay. Others--the sock-and-buskin ones--were a made-up, wigged,
+and padded set. Bugles was resplendent. He had on a dress scarlet coat,
+lined and faced with yellow satin (one of the properties, we believe, of
+the Victoria), a beautifully worked pink shirt-front, a pitch-plaster
+coloured waistcoat, white ducks, and jack-boots, with brass heel spurs. He
+carried his whip in the arm's-length-way of a circus master following a
+horse. Some dozen of these curiosities were staggering, and swaggering, and
+smoking in front of Nonsuch House, to the edification of a lot of gaping
+grooms and chawbacons, when Mr. Sponge cantered becomingly up on the
+piebald. Lady Scattercash, with several elegantly dressed females, all with
+cigars in their mouths, were conversing with them from the open
+drawing-room windows above, while sundry good-looking damsels ogled them
+from the attics above. Such was the tableau that presented itself to Mr.
+Sponge as he cantered round the turn that brought him in front of the
+Elizabethan mansion of Nonsuch House.
+
+Sir Harry, who was still rather drunk, thinking that every person there
+must be either one of his party, or a friend of one of his party, or a
+neighbour, or some one that he had seen before, reeled up to our friend as
+he stopped, and, shaking him heartily by the hand, asked him to come in and
+have something to eat. This was a godsend to Mr. Sponge, who accepted the
+proffered hand most readily, shaking it in a way that quite satisfied Sir
+Harry he was right in some one or other of his conjectures. Bugles, and all
+the reeling, swaggering bucks, looked respectfully at the well-appointed
+man, and Bugles determined to have a pair of nut-brown tops as soon as ever
+he got back to town.
+
+Sir Harry was a tall, wan, pale young man, with a strong tendency to
+delirium tremens; that, and consumption, appeared to be running a match for
+his person. He was a harum-scarum fellow, all strings, and tapes, and ends,
+and flue. He looked as if he slept in his clothes. His hat was fastened on
+with a ribbon, or rather a ribbon passed round near the band, in order to
+fasten it on, for it was seldom or ever applied to the purpose, and the
+ends generally went flying out behind like a Chinaman's tail. Then his
+flashy, many-coloured cravats, stared and straggled in all directions,
+while his untied waistcoat-strings protruded between the laps of his old
+short-waisted swallow-tailed scarlet, mixing in glorious confusion with
+those of his breeches behind. The knee-strings were generally also loose;
+the web straps of his boots were seldom in; and, what with one set of
+strings and another, he had acquired the name of Sixteen-string'd Jack. Mr.
+Sponge having dismounted, and given his hack to the now half-drunken
+Leather, followed Sir Harry through a foil and four-in-hand whip-hung hall
+to the deserted breakfast-room, where chairs stood in all directions, and
+crumpled napkins strewed the floor. The litter of eggs, and remnants of
+muffins, and diminished piles of toast, and broken bread and empty toast
+racks, and cups and saucers, and half-emptied glasses, and wholly emptied
+champagne bottles, were scattered up and down a disorderly table, further
+littered with newspapers, letter backs, county court summonses, mustard
+pots, anchovies, pickles--all the odds and ends of a most miscellaneous
+meal. The side-table exhibited cold joints, game, poultry, lukewarm hashed
+venison, and sundry lamp-lit dishes of savoury grills.
+
+'Here you are!' exclaimed Sir Harry, taking his hunting-whip and sweeping
+the contents of one end of the table on to the floor with a crash that
+brought in the butler and some theatrical-looking servants.
+
+'Take those filthy things away! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry, crushing
+the broken china smaller under his heels; 'and (hiccup) bring some
+red-herrings and soda-water. What the deuce does the (hiccup) cook mean by
+not (hiccuping) things as he ought? Now,' said he, addressing Mr. Sponge,
+and raking the plates and dishes up to him with the handle of his whip,
+just as a gaming-table keeper rakes up the stakes, 'now,' said he, 'make
+your (hiccup) game. There'll be some hot (hiccup) in directly.' He meant to
+say 'tea,' but the word failed him.
+
+Mr. Sponge fell to with avidity. He was always ready to eat, and attacked
+first one thing and then another, as though he had not had any breakfast at
+Puddingpote Bower.
+
+Sir Harry remained mute for some minutes, sitting cross-legged and
+backwards in his chair, with his throbbing temples resting upon the back,
+wondering where it was that he had met Mr. Sponge. He looked different
+without his hat; and, though he saw it was no one he knew particularly, he
+could not help thinking he had seen him before.
+
+Indeed, he thought it was clear, from Mr. Sponge's manner, that they had
+met, and he was just going to ask him whether it was at Offley's or the
+Coal Hole, when a sudden move outside attracted his attention. It was the
+hounds.
+
+The huntsman's horse having at length returned from the fiddler hunt, and
+being whisped over, and made tolerably decent, Mr. Watchorn, having
+exchanged the postilion saddle in which it had been ridden for a horn-cased
+hunting one, had mounted, and, opening the kennel-door, had liberated the
+pent-up pack, who came tearing out full cry and spread themselves over the
+country, regardless alike of the twang, twang, twang of the horn and the
+furious onslaught of a couple of stable lads in scarlet and caps, who, true
+to the title of 'whippers-in,' let drive at all they could get within reach
+of. The hounds had not been out, even to exercise, since the Snobston-Green
+day, and were as wild as hawks. They were ready to run anything. Furious
+and Furrier tackled with a cow. Bountiful ran a black cart-colt, and made
+him leap the haw-haw. Sempstress, Singwell, and Saladin (puppies), went
+after some crows. Mercury took after the stable cat, while old Thunderer
+and Come-by-chance (supposed to be one of Lord Scamperdale's) joined in
+pursuit of a cur. Watchorn, however, did not care for these little
+ebullitions of spirit, and never having been accustomed to exercise the
+Camberwell and Balham Hill Union Harriers, he did not see any occasion for
+troubling the fox-hounds. 'They would soon settle,' he said, 'when they got
+a scent.'
+
+It was this riotous start that diverted Sixteen-string'd Jack's attention
+from our friend, and, looking out of the window, Mr. Sponge saw all the
+company preparing to be off. There was the elegant Bugles mounting her
+ladyship's white Arab; the brothers Spangles climbing on to their
+cream-colours; Mr. This getting on to the postman's pony, and Mr. That on
+to the gamekeeper's. Mr. Sponge hurried out to get to the brown ere his
+anger arose at being left behind, and provoked a scene. He only just
+arrived in time; for the twang of the horn, the cracks of the whips, the
+clamorous rates of the servants, the yelping of the hounds, and the general
+commotion, had got up his courage, and he launched out in such a way, when
+Mr. Sponge mounted, as would have shot a loose rider into the air. As it
+was, Mr. Sponge grappled manfully with him, and, letting the Latchfords
+into his sides, shoved him in front of the throng, as if nothing had
+happened. Mr. Leather then slunk back to the stables, to get out the hack
+to have a hunt in the distance.
+
+The hounds, as we said before, were desperately wild; but at length, by
+dint of coaxing and cracking, and whooping and hallooing, they got some ten
+couples out of the five-and-twenty gathered together, and Mr. Watchorn,
+putting himself at their head, trotted briskly on, blowing most lustily, in
+the hopes that the rest would follow. So he clattered along the avenue,
+formed between rows of sombre-headed firs and sweeping spruce, out of which
+whirred clouds of pheasants, and scuttling rabbits, and stupid hares kept
+crossing and recrossing, to the derangement of Mr. Watchorn's temper, and
+the detriment of the unsteady pack. Squeak, squeak, squeal sounded right
+and left, followed sometimes by the heavy retributive hand of Justice on
+the offenders' hides, and sometimes by the snarl, snap, and worry of a
+couple of hounds contending for the prey. Twang, twang, twang, still went
+the horn; and when the huntsman reached the unicorn-crested gates, between
+tea-caddy looking lodges, he found himself in possession of a clear
+majority of his unsizable pack. Some were rather bloody to be sure, and a
+few carried scraps of game, which fastidious masters would as soon have
+seen them without; but neither Sir Harry nor his huntsman cared about
+appearances.
+
+On clearing the lodges, and passing about a quarter of a mile on the
+Hardington road, hedge-rows ceased, and they came upon Farleyfair Downs,
+across which Mr. Watchorn now struck, making for a square plantation, near
+the first hill-top, where it had been arranged the bag-fox should be shook.
+It was a fine day, rather brighter perhaps, than sportsmen like, and there
+was a crispness in the air indicative of frost, but then there is generally
+a burning scent just before one. So thought Mr. Watchorn, as he turned his
+feverish face up to the bright, blue sky, imbibing the fine fresh air of
+the wide-extending downs, instead of the stale tobacco smoke of the fetid
+beer-shop. As he trotted over the springy sward, up the gently rising
+ground, he rose in his stirrups; and, laying hold of his horse's mane,
+turned to survey the long-drawn, lagging field behind.
+
+'You'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he to himself, as he ran
+them over in his eye, and thought there might be twenty or five-and-twenty
+horsemen; 'you'll have to look sharp, my hearties,' said he, 'if you mean
+to get away, for Wily Tom has his hat on the ground, which shows he has put
+him down, and if he's the sort of gem'man I expect he'll not be long in
+cover.'
+
+So saying, he resumed his seat in the saddle, and easing his horse,
+endeavoured, by sundry dog noises--such as, 'Yooi doit, Ravager!' 'Gently,
+Paragon!' 'Here again. Mercury!'--to restrain the ardour of the leading
+hounds, so as to let the rebellious tail ones up and go into cover with
+something like a body. This was rather a difficult task to accomplish, for
+those with him being light, and consequently anxious to be doing and ready
+for riot, were difficult to restrain from dashing forward; while those that
+had taken their diversion and refreshment among the game, were easy whether
+they did anything more or not.
+
+While Watchorn was thus manoeuvring his forces Wily Tom beckoned him on,
+and old Cruiser and Marmion, who had often been at the game before, and
+knew what Wily Tom's hat on the ground meant, flew to him full cry, drawing
+all their companions after them.
+
+'I think he's away to the west,' said Tom in an undertone, resting his hand
+on Watchorn's horse's shoulder; 'back home,' added he, jerking his head
+with a knowing leer of his roguish eye. 'They're on him!' exclaimed he
+after a pause, as the outburst of melody proclaimed that the hounds had
+crossed his line. Then there was such racing and striving among the field
+to get up, and such squeezing and crowding, and 'Mind, my horse kicks!' at
+the little white hunting wicket leading into cover. 'Knock down the wall!'
+exclaimed one. 'Get out of the way; I'll ride over it!' roared another. 'We
+shall be here all day!' vociferated a third. 'That's a header!' cried
+another, as a clatter of stones was followed by a pair of white breeches
+summerseting in the air with a horse underneath. 'It's Tom Sawbones, the
+doctor!' exclaimed one, 'and he can mend himself.' 'By Jove! but he's
+killed!' shrieked another. 'Not a bit of it,' added a third, as the dead
+man rose and ran after his horse. 'Let Mr. Bugles through,' cried Sir
+Harry, seeing his friend, or rather his wife's friend, was fretting the
+Arab.
+
+Meanwhile, the melody of hounds increased, and each man, as he got through
+the little gate, rose in his stirrups and hustled his horse along the green
+ride to catch up those on before. The plantation was about twenty acres,
+rather thick and briary at the bottom; and master Reynard, finding it was
+pretty safe, and, moreover, having attempted to break just by where some
+chawbacons were ploughing, had headed short back, so that, when the excited
+field rushed through the parallel gate on the far side of the plantation,
+expecting to see the pack streaming away over the downs, they found most of
+the hounds with their heads in the air, some looking for halloos, others
+watching their companions trying to carry the scent over the fallow.
+
+Watchorn galloped up in the frantic state half-witted huntsmen generally
+are, and one of the impromptu whips being in attendance, got quickly round
+the hounds, and commenced a series of assaults upon them that very soon
+sent them scuttling to Mr. Watchorn for safety. If they had been at the
+hares again, or even worrying sheep, he could not have rated or flogged
+more severely.
+
+'MARKSMAN! MARKSMAN! _ough, ye old Divil, get to him!_' roared the
+whip, aiming a stinging cut with his heavy knotty-pointed whip, at a
+venerable sage who still snuffed down a furrow to satisfy himself the fox
+was not on before he returned to cover--an exertion that overbalanced the
+whip, and would have landed him on the ground, had not he caught by the
+spur in the old mare's flank. Then he went on scrambling and rating after
+Marksman, the field exclaiming, as the Edmonton people did, by Johnny
+Gilpin:
+
+    He's on! no, he's off, he hangs by the mane!
+
+[Illustration: 'LET MR. BUGLES THROUGH']
+
+At last he got shuffled back into the saddle, and the cry of hounds in
+cover attracting the outsiders back, the scene quickly changed, and the
+horsemen were again overhead in wood. They now swept up the grass ride to
+the exposed part of the higher ground, the trees gradually diminishing in
+size, till, on reaching the top, they did not come much above a horse's
+shoulder. This point commanded a fine view over the adjacent country.
+Behind was the rich vale of Dairylow, with its villages and spires, and
+trees and enclosures, while in front was nothing but the undulating,
+wide-stretching downs, reaching to the soft grey hills in the distance.
+There was not, however, much time for contemplating scenery; for Wily Tom,
+who had stolen to this point immediately the hounds took up the scent, now
+viewed the fox stealing over a gap in the wall, and, the field catching
+sight, there was such a hullabaloo as would have made a more composed and
+orderly minded fox think it better to break instead of running the outside
+of the wall as this one intended to do. What wind there was swept over the
+downs; and putting himself straight to catch it, he went away whisking his
+brush in the air, as if he was fresh out of his kennel instead of a sack.
+Then what a commotion there was! Such jumpings off to lead down, such
+huggings and holdings, and wooa-ings of those that sat on, such slidings
+and scramblings, and loosenings and rollings of stones. Then the frantic
+horses began to bound, and the frightened riders to exclaim:
+
+'Do get out of my way, sir.'
+
+'Mind, sir! I'm a-top of you!'
+
+'Give him his head and let him go!' exclaimed the still drunken brother Bob
+Spangles, sliding his horse down with a slack rein.
+
+'That's your sort!' roared Sir Harry, and just as he said it, his horse
+dropped on his hind-quarters like a rabbit, landing Sir Harry comfortably
+on his feet, amid the roars of the foot-people, and the mirth of such of
+the horsemen as were not too frightened to laugh.
+
+'I think I'll stay where I am,' observed Mr. Bugles, preparing for a
+bird's-eye view where he was. 'This hunting,' said he, getting off the
+fidgety Arab, 'seems dangerous.'
+
+The parties who accomplished the descent had now some fine plain sailing
+for their trouble. The line lay across the open downs, composed of sound,
+springy, racing-like turf, extremely well adapted for trying the pace
+either of horses or hounds. And very soon it did try the pace of them, for
+they had not gone above a mile before there was very considerable tailing
+with both. To be sure, they had never been very well together, but still
+the line lengthened instead of contracting. Horses that could hardly be
+held downhill, and that applied themselves to the turf, on landing, as if
+they could never have enough of it, now began to bear upon the rein and
+hang back to those behind; while the hounds came straggling along like a
+flock of wild geese, with full half a mile between the leader and the last.
+However, they all threw their tongues, and each man flattered himself that
+the hound he was with was the first. In vain the galloping Watchorn looked
+back and tootled his horn; in vain he worked with his cap; in vain the
+whips rode at the tail hounds, cursing and swearing, and vowing they would
+cut them in two.
+
+There was no getting them together. Every now and then the fox might be
+seen, looking about the size of a marble, as he rounded some distant hill,
+each succeeding view making him less, till, at last, he seemed no bigger
+than a pea.
+
+Five-and-twenty minutes best pace over downs is calculated to try the
+mettle of anything; and, long before the leading hounds reached
+Cockthropple Dean, the field was choked by the pace. Sir Harry had long
+been tailed off; both the brothers Spangles had dropped astern; the horse
+of one had dropped too; Sawbones, the doctor's, had got a stiff neck;
+Willing, the road surveyor, and Mr. Lavender, the grocer, pulled up
+together. Muddyman, the farmer's four-year-old, had enough at the end of
+ten minutes; both the whips tired theirs in a quarter of an hour; and in
+less than twenty minutes Watchorn and Sponge were alone in their glory, or
+rather Sponge was in his glory, for Watchorn's horse was beat.
+
+'Lend me your horn!' exclaimed Sponge, as he heard by the hammer and
+pincering of Watchorn's horse, it was all U P with him.
+
+The horse stopped as if shot; and getting the horn, Mr. Sponge went on, the
+brown laying himself out as if still full of running. Cockthropple Dean was
+now close at hand, and in all probability the fox would not leave it. So
+thought Mr. Sponge as he dived into it, astonished at the chorus and echo
+of the hounds.
+
+[Illustration: 'HE'S AWAY!--REET 'CROSS TORNOPS']
+
+'Tally ho!' shouted a countryman on the opposite side; and the road Sponge
+had taken being favourable to the point, he made for it at a hand-gallop,
+horn in hand, to blow as soon as he got there.
+
+'He's away!' cried the man as soon as our friend appeared; 'reet 'cross
+tornops!' added he, pointing with his hoe.
+
+Mr. Sponge then put his horse's head that way, and blew a long shrill
+reverberating blast. As he paused to take breath and listen, he heard the
+sound of horses' hoofs, and presently a stentorian voice, half frantic with
+rage, exclaimed from behind:
+
+'WHO THE DICKENS ARE YOU?'
+
+'Who the Dickens are you?' retorted Mr. Sponge, without looking round.
+
+'They commonly call me the EARL OF SCAMPERDALE,' roared the same
+sweet voice, 'and those are my hounds.'
+
+'They're not your hounds!' snapped Mr. Sponge, now looking round on his
+big-spectacled, flat-hatted lordship, who was closely followed by his
+double, Mr. Spraggon.
+
+'Not my hounds!' screeched his lordship. 'Oh, ye barber's apprentice! Oh,
+ye draper's assistant! Oh ye unmitigated Mahomedon! Sing out, Jack! sing
+out! For Heaven's sake, sing out!' added he, throwing out his arms in
+perfect despair.
+
+'Not his lordship's hounds!' roared Jack, now rising in his stirrups and
+brandishing his big whip. 'Not his lordship's hounds! Tell me _that_, when
+they cost him five-and-twenty 'underd--two thousand five 'underd a year!
+Oh, by Jingo, but that's a pretty go! If they're not his lordship's hounds,
+I should like to know whose they are?' and thereupon Jack wiped the foam
+from his mouth on his sleeve.
+
+'Sir Harry's!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, again putting the horn to his lips,
+and blowing another shrill blast.
+
+'Sir Harry's!' screeched his lordship in disgust, for he hated the very
+sound of his name--'Sir Harry's! Oh, you rusty-booted ruffian! Tell me that
+to my very face!'
+
+'Sir Harry's!' repeated Jack, again standing erect in his stirrups. 'What!
+impeach his lordship's integrity--oh, by Jove, there's an end of
+everything! Death before dishonour! Slugs in a saw-pit! Pistols and coffee
+for two! Cock Pheasant at Weybridge, six o'clock i' the mornin'!' And Jack,
+sinking exhausted on his saddle, again wiped the foam from his mouth.
+
+His lordship then went at Sponge again.
+
+'Oh, you sanctified, putrified, pestilential, perpendicular,
+gingerbread-booted, counter-skippin' snob, you think because I'm a lord,
+and can't swear or use coarse language, that you may do what you like; but
+I'll let you see the contrary,' said he, brandishing his brother to Jack's
+whip. 'Mark you, sir, I'll fight you, sir, any non-huntin' day you like,
+sir, 'cept Sunday.'
+
+Just then the clatter and blowing of horses was heard, and Frostyface
+emerged from the wood followed by the hounds, who, swinging themselves
+'forrard' over the turnips, hit off the scent and went away full cry,
+followed by his lordship and Jack, leaving Mr. Sponge transfixed with
+astonishment.
+
+'Changed foxes,' at length said Sponge, with a shake of his head; and just
+then the cry of hounds on the opposite bank confirmed his conjecture, and
+he got to Sir Harry's in time to take up his lordship's fox.
+
+His lordship's hounds ran into Sir Harry's fox about two miles farther on,
+but the hounds would not break him up; and, on examining him, he was found
+to have been aniseeded; and, worst of all, by the mark on his ear to be one
+that they had turned down themselves the season before, being one of a
+litter that Sly had stolen from Sir Harry's cover at Seedeygorse--a
+beautiful instance of retributive justice.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI
+
+FARMER PEASTRAW'S DINE-MATINEE
+
+
+There are pleasanter situations than being left alone with twenty couple of
+even the best-mannered fox-hounds; far pleasanter situations than being
+left alone with such a tearing, frantic lot as composed Sir Harry
+Scattercash's pack. Sportsmen are so used (with some hounds at least) to
+see foxes 'in hand' that they never think there is any difficulty in
+getting them there; and it is only a single-handed combat with the pack
+that shows them that the hound does not bring the fox up in his mouth like
+a retriever. A tyro's first _tete-a-tete_ with a half-killed fox, with the
+baying pack circling round, must leave as pleasing a souvenir on the
+memory as Mr. Gordon Cumming would derive from his first interview with a
+lion.
+
+Our friend Mr. Sponge was now engaged with a game of 'pull devil, pull
+baker' with the hounds for the fox, the difficulty of his situation being
+heightened by having to contend with the impetuous temper of a
+high-couraged, dangerous horse. To be sure, the gallant Hercules was a good
+deal subdued by the distance and severity of the pace, but there are few
+horses that get to the end of a run that have not sufficient kick left in
+them to do mischief to hounds, especially when raised or frightened by the
+smell of blood; nevertheless, there was no help for it. Mr. Sponge knew
+that unless he carried off some trophy, it would never be believed he had
+killed the fox. Considering all this, and also that there was no one to
+tell what damage he did, he just rode slap into the middle of the pack, as
+Marksman, Furious, Thunderer, and Bountiful were in the act of despatching
+the fox. Singwell and Saladin (puppies) having been sent away howling, the
+one bit through the jowl, the other through the foot.
+
+'Ah! leave him--leave him--leave him!' screeched Mr. Sponge, trampling over
+Warrior and Tempest, the brown horse lashing out furiously at Melody and
+Lapwing. 'Ah, leave him! leave him!' repeated he, throwing himself off his
+horse by the fox, and clearing a circle with his whip, aided by the hoofs
+of the animal. There lay the fox before him killed, but as yet little
+broken by the pack. He was a noble fellow; bright and brown, in the full
+vigour of life and condition, with a gameness, even in death, that no other
+animal shows. Mr. Sponge put his foot on the body, and quickly whipped off
+his brush. Before he had time to pocket it, the repulsed pack broke in upon
+him and carried off the carcass.
+
+'Ah! dash ye, you may have _that_,' said he, cutting at them with his whip
+as they clustered upon it like a swarm of bees. They had not had a wild fox
+for five weeks.
+
+'Who-hoop!' cried Mr. Sponge, in the hopes of attracting some of the field.
+'WHO-HOOP!' repeated he, as loud as he could halloo. 'Where can
+they all be, I wonder?' said he, looking around; and echo answered--where?
+
+The hounds had now crunched their fox, or as much of him as they wanted.
+Old Marksman ran about with his head, and Warrior with a haunch.
+
+'Drop it, you old beggar!' cried Mr. Sponge, cutting at Marksman with his
+whip, and Mr. Sponge being too near to make a trial of speed prudent, the
+old dog did as he was bid, and slunk away.
+
+Our friend then appended this proud trophy to his saddle-flap by a piece of
+whipcord, and, mounting the now tractable Hercules, began to cast about in
+search of a landmark. Like most down countries, this one was somewhat
+deceptive; there were plenty of landmarks, but they were all the same
+sort--clumps of trees on hill-tops, and plantations on hill-sides, but
+nothing of a distinguishing character, nothing that a stranger could say,
+'I remember seeing that as I came'; or, 'I remember passing that in the
+run.' The landscape seemed all alike: north, south, east, and west, equally
+indifferent.
+
+'Curse the thing,' said Mr. Sponge, adjusting himself in his saddle, and
+looking about; 'I haven't the _slightest_ idea where I am. I'll blow the
+horn, and see if that will bring any one.'
+
+So saying, he applied the horn to his lips, and blew a keen, shrill blast,
+that spread over the surrounding country, and was echoed back by the
+distant hills. A few lost hounds cast up from various quarters, in the
+unexpected way that hounds do come to a horn. Among them were a few branded
+with S,[4] who did not at all set off the beauty of the rest.
+
+''Ord rot you, you belong to that old ruffian, do you?' said Mr. Sponge,
+riding and cutting at one with his whip, exclaiming, 'Get away to him, ye
+beggar, or I'll tuck you up short.'
+
+He now, for the first time, saw them together in anything like numbers, and
+was struck with the queerness and inequality of the whole. They were of all
+sorts and sizes, from the solemn towering calf-like fox-hound down to the
+little wriggling harrier. They seemed, too, to be troubled with various
+complaints and infirmities. Some had the mange; some had blear eyes; some
+had but one; many were out at the elbows; and not a few down at the toes.
+However, they had killed a fox, and 'Handsome is that handsome does,' said
+Mr. Sponge, as, with his horse surrounded by them, he moved on in quest of
+his way home.
+
+At first, he thought to retrace his steps by the marks of his horse's
+hoofs, and succeeded in getting back to the dean, where Sir Harry's hounds
+changed foxes with Lord Scamperdale's; but he got confused with the
+imprints of the other horses, and very soon had to trust entirely to
+chance. Chance, we are sorry to say, did not befriend him; for, after
+wandering over the wide-extending downs, he came upon the little hamlet of
+Tinkler Hatch, and was informed that he had been riding in a semicircle.
+
+He there got some gruel for his horse, and, with day closing in, now set
+off, as directed, on the Ribchester road, with the assurance that he
+'couldn't miss his way.' Some of the hounds here declined following him any
+farther, and slunk into cottages and outhouses as they passed along. Mr.
+Sponge, however, did not care for their company.
+
+Having travelled musingly along two or three miles of road, now thinking
+over the glorious run--now of the gallant way in which Hercules had carried
+him--now of the pity it was that there was nobody there to see--now of the
+encounter with Lord Scamperdale, just as he passed a well-filled stackyard,
+that had shut out the view of a flaming red brick house with a pea-green
+door and windows, an outburst of 'hoo-rays!' followed by one cheer
+more--'hoo-ray!' made the remaining wild hounds prick up their ears, and
+our friend rein in his horse, to hear what was 'up.' A bright fire in a
+room on the right of the door overpowered the clouds of tobacco-smoke with
+which the room was enveloped, and revealed sundry scarlet coats in the full
+glow of joyous hilarity. It was Sir Harry and friends recruiting at Fanner
+Peastraw's after their exertions; for, though they could not make much of
+hunting, they were always ready to drink. They were having a rare
+set-to--rashers of bacon, wedges of cheese, with oceans of malt-liquor. It
+was the appearance of a magnificent cold round of home-fed beef, red with
+saltpetre and flaky with white fat, borne on high by their host, that
+elicited the applause and the one cheer more that broke on Mr. Sponge's ear
+as he was passing--applause that was renewed as they caught a glimpse of
+his red coat, not on account of his safety or that of the hounds, but
+simply because being in the cheering mood, they were ready to cheer
+anything.
+
+'Hil-loo! there's Mr. What's-his-name!' exclaimed brother Bob Spangles, as
+he caught view of Sponge and the hounds passing the window.
+
+'So there is!' roared another; 'Hoo-ray!'
+
+'Hoo-ray!' yelled two or three more.
+
+'Stop him!' cried another.
+
+'Call him in,' roared Sir Harry, 'and let's liquor him.'
+
+'Hilloo! Mister What's-your-name!' exclaimed the other Spangles, throwing
+up the window. 'Hilloo, won't you come in and have some refreshment?'
+
+'Who's there?' asked Mr. Sponge, reining in the brown.
+
+'Oh, we're all here,' shouted brother Bob Spangles, holding up a tumbler of
+hot brandy-and-water; 'we're all here--Sir Harry and all,' added he.
+
+'But what shall I do with the hounds?' asked Mr. Sponge, looking down upon
+the confused pack, now crowding about his horse's head.
+
+'Oh, let the beef-eaters--the scene-shifters--I meant to say the
+servants--those fellows, you know, in scarlet and black caps, look after
+them,' replied brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'But there are none of them here,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, looking back on
+the deserted road.
+
+'None of them here!' hiccuped Sir Harry, who had now got reeled to the
+window. 'None of them here,' repeated he, staring vacantly at the uneven
+pack. 'Oh (hiccup) I'll tell you what do--(hiccup) them into a barn or a
+stable, or a (hiccup) of any sort, and we'll send for them when we want to
+(hiccup) again.' 'Then just you call them to you,' replied Sponge,
+thinking they would go to their master. 'Just you call them,' repeated he,
+'and I'll put them to you.'
+
+'(Hiccup) call to them?' replied Harry. 'I can't (hiccup).'
+
+'Oh yes!' rejoined Mr. Sponge; 'call one or two by their names, and the
+rest will follow.'
+
+'Names! (hiccup) I don't know any of their nasty names,' replied Sir Harry,
+staring wildly.
+
+'Towler! Towler! Towler! here, good dog--hoop!--here's your liquor!' cried
+brother Bob Spangles, holding the smoking tumbler of brandy-and-water out
+of the window, as if to tempt any hound that chose to answer to the name of
+Towler.
+
+There didn't seem to be a Towler in the pack; at least, none of them
+qualified for the brandy-and-water.
+
+'Oh, I'll (hiccup) you what we'll do,' exclaimed Sir Harry: 'I'll (hiccup)
+you what we'll do. 'We'll just give them a (hiccup) kick a-piece and send
+them (hiccuping) home,' Sir Harry reeling back into the room to the black
+horse-hair sofa, where his whip was.
+
+He presently appeared at the door, and, going into the midst of the hounds,
+commenced laying about him, rating, and cutting, and kicking, and shouting.
+
+[Illustration: SIR HARRY OF NONSUCH HOUSE]
+
+'Geete away home with ye, ye brutes; what are you all (hiccup)ing here
+about? Ah! cut off his tail!' cried he, staggering after a venerable
+blear-eyed sage, who dropped his stern and took off.
+
+'Be off! Does your mother know you're out?' cried Bob Spangles, out of the
+window, to old Marksman, who stood wondering what to do.
+
+The old hound took the hint also.
+
+'Now, then, old feller,' cried Sir Harry, staggering up to Mr. Sponge, who
+still sat on his horse, in mute astonishment at Sir Harry's mode of
+dealing with his hounds. 'Now, then, old feller,' said he, seizing Mr.
+Sponge by the hand, 'get rid of your quadruped, and (hiccup) in, and make
+yourself "o'er all the (hiccups) of life victorious," as Bob Spangles says,
+when he (hiccups) it neat. This is old (hiccup) Peastraw's, a (hiccup)
+tenant of mine, and he'll be most (hiccup) to see you.'
+
+'But what must I do with my horse?' asked Mr. Sponge, rubbing some of the
+dried sweat off the brown's shoulder as he spoke; adding, 'I should like to
+get him a feed of corn.'
+
+'Give him some ale, and a (hiccup) of sherry in it,' replied Sir Harry;
+'it'll do him far more good--make his mane grow,' smoothing the horse's
+thin, silky mane as he spoke.
+
+'Well, I'll put him up,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'and then come to you,'
+throwing himself, jockey fashion, off the horse as he spoke.
+
+'That's a (hiccup) feller,' said Sir Harry; adding, 'here's old Pea himself
+come to see after you.'
+
+So saying, Sir Harry reeled back to his comrades in the house, leaving Mr.
+Sponge in the care of the farmer.
+
+'This way, sir; this way,' said the burly Mr. Peastraw, leading the way
+into his farmyard, where a line of hunters stood shivering under a long
+cart-shed.
+
+'But I can't put my horse in here,' observed Mr. Sponge, looking at the
+unfortunate brutes.
+
+'No, sir, no,' replied Mr. Peastraw; 'put yours in a stable, sir; put yours
+in a stable'; adding, 'these young gents don't care much about their
+horses.'
+
+'Does anybody know the chap's name?' asked Sir Harry, reeling back into the
+room.
+
+'Know his name!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, don't you?'
+
+'No,' replied Sir Harry, with a vacant stare.
+
+'Why, you went up and shook hands with him, as if you were as thick as
+thieves,' replied Bob.
+
+'Did I?' hiccuped Sir Harry. 'Well, I thought I knew him. At least, I
+thought it was somebody I had (hiccup)ed before; and at one's own (hiccup)
+house, you know, one's 'bliged to be (hiccup) feller well (hiccup) with
+everybody that comes. But surely, some of you know his (hiccup) name,'
+added he, looking about at the company.
+
+'I think I know his (hiccup) face,' replied Bob Spangles, imitating his
+brother-in-law.
+
+'I've seen him somewhere,' observed the other Spangles, through a mouthful
+of beef.
+
+'So have I,' exclaimed some one else, 'but where I can't say.'
+
+'Most likely at church,' observed brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'Well, I don't think he'll corrupt me,' observed Captain Quod, speaking
+between the fumes of a cigar.
+
+'He'll not borrow much of me,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, producing a
+much tarnished green purse, and exhibiting two fourpenny-pieces at one end,
+and three-halfpence at the other.
+
+'Oh, I dare say he's a good feller,' observed Sir Harry; 'I make no doubt
+he's one of the right sort.'
+
+Just then in came the man himself, hat and whip in hand, waving the brush
+proudly over his head.
+
+'Ah, that's (hiccup) right, old feller,' exclaimed Sir Harry, again
+advancing with extended hand to meet him, adding, 'you'd (hiccup) all you
+wanted for your (hiccup) horse: mutton broth--I mean barley-water,
+foot-bath, everything right. Let me introduce my (hiccup) brother-in-law,
+Bob Spangles, my (hiccup) friend Captain Ladofwax, Captain Quod, Captain
+(hiccup) Bouncey, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and my (hiccup)
+brother-in-law, Mr. Spangles, as lushy a cove as ever was seen; ar'n't you,
+old boy?' added he, grasping the latter by the arm.
+
+All these gentlemen severally bobbed their heads as Sir Harry called them
+over, and then resumed their respective occupations--eating, drinking, and
+smoking.
+
+These were some of the debauched gentlemen Mr. Sponge had seen before
+Nonsuch House in the morning. They were all captains, or captains by
+courtesy. Ladofwax had been a painter and glazier in the Borough, where he
+made the acquaintance of Captain Quod, while that gentleman was an inmate
+of Captain Hudson's strong house. Captain Bouncey was the too well-known
+betting-office keeper; and Seedeybuck was such a constant customer of Mr.
+Commissioner Fonblanque's court, that that worthy legal luminary, on
+discharging him for the fifth time, said to him, with a very significant
+shake of the head, 'You'd better not come here again, sir.' Seedeybuck,
+being of the same opinion, had since fastened himself on to Sir Harry
+Scattercash, who found him in meat, drink, washing, and lodging. They were
+all attired in red coats, of one sort or another, though some of which were
+of a very antediluvian, and others of a very dressing-gown cut. Bouncey's
+had a hare on the button, and Seedeybuck's coat sat on him like a sack.
+Still a scarlet coat is a scarlet coat in the eyes of some, and the coats
+were not a bit more unsportsmanlike than the men. To Mr. Sponge's
+astonishment, instead of breaking out in inquiries as to where they had run
+to, the time, the distance, who was up, who was down, and so on, they began
+recommending the victuals and drink; and this, notwithstanding Mr. Sponge
+kept flourishing the brush.
+
+'We've had a rare run,' said he, addressing himself to Sir Harry.
+
+'Have you (hiccup)? I'm glad of it (hiccup). Pray have something to
+(hiccup) after it; you _must_ be (hiccup).'
+
+'Let me help you to some of this cold round of beef?' exclaimed Captain
+Bouncey, brandishing the great broad-bladed carving knife.
+
+'Have a slice of 'ot 'am,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'The finest run I ever rode!' observed Mr. Sponge, still endeavouring to
+get a hearing.
+
+'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry;' those (hiccup) hounds of mine are
+uncommon (hiccup).' He didn't know what they were, and the hiccup came very
+opportunely.
+
+'The pace was terrific!' exclaimed Sponge.
+
+'Dare say it would,' replied Sir Harry; 'and that's what makes me (hiccup)
+you're so (hiccup). Pea, here, has some rare old October--(hiccup) bushels
+to the (hiccup) hogshead.' 'It's capital!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck,
+frothing himself a tumblerful out of the tall brown jug.
+
+'So is this,' rejoined Captain Quod, pouring himself out a liberal
+allowance of gin.
+
+'That horse of mine carried me MAG_nificently_!' observed Mr. Sponge, with
+a commanding emphasis on the MAG.
+
+'Dare say he would,' replied Sir Harry; 'he looked like a (hiccup)er--a
+white 'un, wasn't he?'
+
+'No; a _brown_,' replied Mr. Sponge, disgusted at the mistake.
+
+'Ah, well; but there _was_ somebody on a white,' replied Sir Harry.
+'Oh--ah--yes--it was old Bugles on my lady's horse. By the (hiccup) way
+(hiccup), gentlemen, what's got Mr. Orlando (hiccup) Bugles?' asked Sir
+Harry, staring wildly round.
+
+'Oh! old Bugles! old Pad-the-Hoof! old Mr. Funker! the horse frightened him
+so, that he went home crying,' replied Bob Spangles.
+
+'Hope he didn't lose him?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'Oh no,' replied Bob; 'he gave a lad a shilling to lead him, and they
+trudged away very quietly together.'
+
+'The old (hiccup)!' exclaimed Sir Harry; 'he told me he was a member of the
+Surrey something.'
+
+'The Sorry Union,' replied Captain Quod. 'He _was_ out with them once, and
+fell off on his head and knocked his hat-crown out.'
+
+'Well, but I was telling you about the run,' interposed Mr. Sponge, again
+endeavouring to enlist an audience. 'I was telling you about the run,'
+repeated he.
+
+'Don't trouble yourself, my dear sir,' interrupted Captain Bouncey; 'we
+know all about it--found--checked--killed, killed--found--checked.'
+
+'You _can't_ know all about it!' snapped Mr. Sponge; 'for there wasn't a
+soul there but myself, much to my horror, for I had a reg'lar row with old
+Scamperdale, and never a soul to back me.'
+
+'What! you fell in with that mealy-mouthed gentleman, who can't (hiccup)
+swear because he's a (hiccup) lord, did you?' asked Sir Harry, his
+attention being now drawn to our friend.
+
+'_I did_,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'and a pretty passage of politeness we had
+of it.'
+
+'Indeed! (hiccup),' exclaimed Sir Harry. 'Tell us (hiccup) all about it.'
+
+'Well,' said Mr. Sponge, laying the brush lengthways before him on the
+table, as if he was going to demonstrate upon it. 'Well, you see we had a
+devil of a run--I don't know how many miles, as hard as ever we could lay
+legs to the ground; one by one the field all dropped astern, except the
+huntsman and myself. At last he gave in, or rather his horse did, and I was
+left alone in my glory. Well, we went over the downs at a pace that nothing
+but blood could live with, and, though my horse has never been beat, and is
+as thorough-bred as Eclipse--a horse that I have refused three hundred
+guineas for over and over again, I really did begin to think I might get to
+the bottom of him, when all of a sudden we came to a dean.'
+
+'Ah! Cockthropple that would be,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'Dare say,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'Cock-anything-you-like-to-call-it for me.
+Well, when we got there, I thought we should have some breathing time, for
+the fox would be sure to hug it. But no; no sooner had I got there than a
+countryman hallooed him away on the far side. I got to the halloo as quick
+as I could, and just as I was blowing the horn,' producing Watchorn's from
+his pocket as he spoke; 'for I must tell you,' said he, 'that when I saw
+the huntsman's horse was beat, I took this from him--a horn to a foot
+huntsman being of no more use, you know, than a side-pocket to a cow, or a
+frilled shirt to a pig. Well, as I was tootleing the horn for hard life,
+who should turn out of the wood but old mealy-mouth himself, as you call
+him, and a pretty volley of abuse he let drive at me.'
+
+'No doubt,' hiccuped Sir Harry; 'but what was _he_ doing there?'
+
+'Oh! I should tell you,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'his hounds had run a fox into
+it, and were on him full cry when I got there.'
+
+'I'll be bund,' cried Sir Harry, 'it was all sham--that he just (hiccup)
+and excuse for getting into that cover. The old (hiccup) beggar is always
+at some trick, (hiccup)-ing my foxes or disturbing my covers or something,'
+Sir Harry being just enough of a master of hounds to be jealous of the
+neighbouring ones.
+
+'Well, however, there he was,' continued Mr. Sponge; 'and the first
+intimation I had of the fact was a great, gruff voice, exclaiming, "Who the
+Dickens are you?"
+
+'"Who the Dickens are you?" replied I.'
+
+'Bravo!' shouted Sir Harry.
+
+'Capital!' exclaimed Seedeybuck.
+
+'Go it, you cripples! Newgate's on fire!' shouted Captain Quod.
+
+'Well, what said he?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'"They commonly call me the Earl of Scamperdale," roared he, "and those are
+MY HOUNDS."
+
+'"They're _not_ your hounds," replied I.
+
+'"Whose are they, then?" asked he.
+
+'"Sir Harry Scattercash's, a devilish deal better fellow," replied I.
+
+'"Oh, by Jove!" roared he, "there's an end of everything, Jack," shouted he
+to old Spraggon, "this gentleman says these are not my hounds!"
+
+'"I'll tell you what it is, my lord," said I, gathering my whip and riding
+close up as if I was goin' to pitch into him, "I'll tell you what it is;
+you think, because you're a lord, you may abuse people as you like, but by
+Jingo you've mistaken your man. I'll not put up with any of your nonsense.
+The Sponges are as old a family as the Scamperdales, and I'll fight you any
+non-hunting day you like with pistols, broadswords, fists or
+blunder-busses."'
+
+'Well done you! Bravo! that's your sort!' with loud thumping of tables and
+clapping of hands, resounded from all parts.
+
+'By Jove, fill him up a stiff'un! he deserves a good drink after that!'
+exclaimed Sir Harry, pouring Mr. Sponge out a beaker, equal parts brandy
+and water.
+
+Mr. Sponge immediately became a hero, and was freely admitted into their
+circle. He was clearly a choice spirit--a trump of the first water--and
+they only wanted his name to be uncommonly thick with him. As it was, they
+plied him with victuals and drink, all seeming anxious to bring him up to
+the same happy state of inebriety as themselves. They talked and they
+chattered, and they abused Old Scamperdale and Jack Spraggon, and lauded
+Mr. Sponge up to the skies.
+
+Thus day closed in, with Farmer Peastraw's bright fire shedding its
+cheering glow over the now encircling group. One would have thought that,
+with their hearts mellow, and their bodies comfortable, their minds would
+have turned to that sport in whose honour they sported the scarlet; but no,
+hunting was never mentioned. They were quite as genteel as Nimrod's swell
+friends at Melton, who cut it altogether. They rambled from subject to
+subject, chiefly on indoor and London topics; billiards, betting-offices,
+Coal Holes, Cremorne, Cider Cellars, Judge and Jury Courts, there being an
+evident confusion in their minds between the characters of sportsmen and
+sporting men, or gents as they are called. Mr. Sponge tried hard to get
+them on the right tack, were it only for the sake of singing the praises of
+the horse for which he had so often refused three hundred guineas, but he
+never succeeded in retaining an hearing. Talkers were far more plentiful
+than listeners.
+
+At last they got to singing, and when men begin to sing, it is a sign that
+they are either drunk, or have had enough of each other's company. Sir
+Harry's hiccup, from which he was never wholly free, increased tenfold, and
+he hiccuped and spluttered at almost every word. His hand, which shook so
+at starting that it was odds whether he got his glass to his mouth or his
+ear, was now steadied, but his glazed eye and green haggard countenance
+showed at what a fearful sacrifice the temporary steadiness had been
+obtained. At last his jaw dropped on his chest, his left arm hung
+listlessly over the back of the chair, and he fell asleep. Captain Quod,
+too, was overcome, and threw himself full-length on the sofa. Captain
+Seedeybuck began to talk thick.
+
+Just as they were all about brought to a standstill, the trampling of
+horses, the rumbling of wheels, and the shrill twang, twang, twang of the
+now almost forgotten mail horn, roused them from their reveries. It was
+Sir Harry's drag scouring the country in search of our party. It had been
+to all the public-houses and beer-shops within a radius of some miles of
+Nonsuch House, and was now taking a speculative blow through the centre of
+the circle.
+
+It was a clear frosty night, and the horses' hoofs rang, and the wheels
+rolled soundly over the hard road, cracking the thin ice, yet hardly
+sufficiently frozen to prevent a slight upshot from the wheels.
+
+[Illustration: MR. BUGLES PREFERS DANCING TO HUNTING]
+
+Twang, twang, twang, went the horn full upon Farmer Peastraw's house,
+causing the sleepers to start, and the waking ones to make for the window.
+
+'COACH-A-HOY!' cried Bob Spangles, smashing a pane in a vain
+attempt to get the window up. The coachman pulled up at the sound.
+
+'Here we are, Sir Harry!' cried Bob Spangles, into his brother-in-law's
+ear, but Sir Harry was too far gone; he could not 'come to time.' Presently
+a footman entered with furred coats, and shawls, and checkered rugs, in
+which those who were sufficiently sober enveloped themselves, and those who
+were too far gone were huddled by Peastraw and the man; and amid much hurry
+and confusion, and jostling for inside seats, the party freighted the
+coach, and whisked away before Mr. Sponge knew where he was.
+
+When they arrived at Nonsuch House, they found Mr. Bugles exercising the
+fiddlers by dancing the ladies in turns.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII
+
+A MOONLIGHT RIDE
+
+
+The position, then, of Mr. Sponge was this. He was left on a frosty,
+moonlight night at the door of a strange farmhouse, staring after a
+receding coach, containing all his recent companions.
+
+'You'll not be goin' wi' 'em, then?' observed Mr. Peastraw, who stood
+beside him, listening to the shrill notes of the horn dying out in the
+distance.
+
+'No,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Rummy lot,' observed Mr. Peastraw, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Very!' replied Mr. Peastraw. 'Be the death of Sir Harry among 'em.'
+
+'Who are they all?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Rubbish!' replied Peastraw with a sneer, diving his hands into the depths
+of his pockets. 'Well, we'd better go in,' added he, pulling his hands out
+and rubbing them, to betoken that he felt cold.
+
+Mr. Sponge, not being much of a drinker, was more overcome with what he had
+taken than a seasoned cask would have been; added to which the keen night
+air striking upon his heated frame soon sent the liquor into his head. He
+began to feel queer.
+
+'Well,' said he to his host, 'I think I'd better be going.'
+
+'Where are you bound for?' asked Mr. Peastraw.
+
+'To Puddingpote Bower,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'S-o-o,' observed Mr. Peastraw thoughtfully; 'Mr. Crowdey's--Mr. Jogglebury
+that was?'
+
+'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'He is a deuce of a man, that, for breaking people's hedges,' observed Mr.
+Peastraw; after a pause, 'he can't see a straight stick of no sort, but
+he's sure to be at it.'
+
+'He's a great man for walking-sticks,' replied Mr. Sponge, staggering in
+the direction of the stable in which he put his horse.
+
+The house clock then struck ten.
+
+'She's fast,' observed Mr. Peastraw, fearing his guest might be wanting to
+stay all night.
+
+'How far will Puddingpote Bower be from here?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh, no distance, sir, no distance,' replied Mr. Peastraw, now leading out
+the horse. 'Can't miss your way, sir--can't miss your way. First turn on
+the right takes you to Collins' Green; then keep by the side of the church,
+next the pond; then go straight forward for about a mile and a half, or two
+miles, till you come to a small village called Lea Green; turn short at the
+finger-post as you enter, and keep right along by the side of the hills
+till you come to the Winslow Woods; leave them to the left, and pass by Mr.
+Roby's farm, at Runton--you'll know Mr. Roby?'
+
+'Not I,' replied Mr. Sponge, hoisting himself into the saddle, and holding
+out a hand to take leave of his host.
+
+'Good night, sir; good night!' exclaimed Mr. Peastraw, shaking it; 'and
+have the goodness to tell Mr. Crowdey from me that the next time he comes
+here a bush-rangin', I'll thank him to shut the gates after him. He set all
+my young stock wrong the last time he was here.'
+
+'I will,' replied Mr. Sponge, riding off.
+
+Mr. Peastraw's directions were well calculated to confuse a clearer head
+than Mr. Sponge then carried; and the reader will not be surprised to learn
+that, long before he reached the Winslow Woods, he was regularly
+bewildered. Indeed, there is no surer way of losing oneself than trying to
+follow a long train of directions in a strange country. It is far better
+to establish one's own landmarks, and make for them as the natural course
+of the country seems to direct. Our forefathers had a wonderful knack of
+getting to points with as little circumlocution as possible. Mr. Sponge,
+however, knew no points, and was quite at sea; indeed, even if he had, they
+would have been of little use, for a fitful and frequently obscured moon
+threw such bewildering lights and shades around, that a native would have
+had some difficulty in recognizing the country. The frost grew more
+intense, the stars shone clear and bright, and the cold took our friend by
+the nape of the neck, shooting across his shoulder-blades and right down
+his back. Mr. Sponge wished and wished he was anywhere but where he
+was--flattening his nose against the coffee-room window of the Bantam,
+tooling in a hansom as hard as he could go, squaring along Oxford Street
+criticizing horses--nay, he wouldn't care to be undergoing Gustavus James
+himself--anything, rather than rambling about a strange country in a cold
+winter's night, with nothing but the hooting of owls and the occasional
+bark of shepherds' dogs to enliven his solitude. The houses were few and
+far between. The lights in the cottages had long been extinguished, and the
+occupiers of such of the farmhouses as would come to his knocks were gruff
+in their answers, and short in their directions. At length, after riding,
+and riding, and riding, more with a view of keeping himself awake than in
+the expectation of finding his way, just as he was preparing to arouse the
+inmates of a cottage by the roadside, a sudden gleam of moonlight fell upon
+the building, revealing the half-Swiss, half-Gothic lodge of Puddingpote
+Bower.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII
+
+PUDDINGPOTE BOWER
+
+
+We must now back the train a little, and have a look at Jog and Co.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Jog had had another squabble after Mr. Sponge's departure in
+the morning, Mr. Jog reproving Mrs. Jog for the interest she seemed to take
+in Mr. Sponge, as shown by her going to the door to see him amble away on
+the piebald hack. Mrs. Jog justified herself on the score of Gustavus
+James, with whom she was quite sure Mr. Sponge was much struck, and to
+whom, she made no doubt, he would leave his ample fortune. Jog, on the
+other hand, wheezed and puffed into his frill, and reasserted that Mr.
+Sponge was as likely to live as Gustavus James, and to marry and to have a
+bushel of children of his own; while Mrs. Jog rejoined that he was 'sure to
+break his neck'--breaking their necks being, as she conceived, the
+inevitable end of fox-hunters. Jog, who had not prosecuted the sport of
+hunting long enough to be able to gainsay her assertion, though he took
+especial care to defer the operation of breaking his own neck as long as he
+could, fell back upon the expense and inconvenience of keeping Mr. Sponge
+and his three horses, and his saucy servant, who had taught their domestics
+to turn up their noses at his diet table; above all, at his stick-jaw and
+undeniable small-beer. So they went fighting and squabbling on, till at
+last the scene ended, as usual, by Mrs. Jogglebury bursting into tears, and
+declaring that Jog didn't care a farthing either for her or her children.
+Jog then bundled off, to try and fashion a most incorrigible-looking,
+knotty blackthorn into a head of Lord Chancellor Lyndhurst. He afterwards
+took a turn at a hazel that he thought would make a Joe Hume. Having
+occupied himself with these till the children's dinner-hour, he took a
+wandering, snatching sort of meal, and then put on his paletot, with a
+little hatchet in the pocket, and went off in search of the raw material in
+his own and the neighbouring hedges.
+
+Evening came, and with it came Jog, laden, as usual, with an armful of
+gibbeys, but the shades of night followed evening ere there was any tidings
+of the sporting inmates of his house. At length, just as Jog was taking his
+last stroll prior to going in for good, he espied a pair of vacillating
+white breeches coming up the avenue with a clearly drunken man inside them.
+Jog stood straining his eyes watching their movements, wondering whether
+they would keep the saddle or come off--whenever the breeches seemed
+irrevocably gone, they invariably recovered themselves with a jerk or a
+lurch--Jog now saw it was Leather on the piebald, and though he had no
+fancy for the man, he stood to let him come up, thinking to hear something
+of Sponge. Leather in due time saw the great looming outline of our friend
+and came staring and shaking his head, endeavouring to identify it. He
+thought at first it was the Squire--next he thought it wasn't--then he was
+sure it wasn't.
+
+'Oh! it's you, old boy, is it?' at last exclaimed he, pulling up beside the
+large holly against which our friend had placed himself, 'It's you, old
+boy, is it?' repeated he, extending his right hand and nearly overbalancing
+himself, adding as he recovered his equilibrium, 'I thought it was the old
+Woolpack at first,' nodding his head towards the house. 'Well,' spluttered
+he, pulling up, and sitting, as he thought, quite straight in the saddle,
+'we've had the finest day's sport and the most equitable drink I've enjoyed
+for many a long day. 'Ord bless us, what a gent that Sir 'Arry is! He's the
+sort of man that should have money. I'm blowed, if I were queen, but I'd
+melt all the great blubber-headed fellows like this 'ere Crowdey down, and
+make one sich man as Sir 'Arry out of the 'ole on 'em. Beer! they don't
+know wot beer is there! nothin' but the werry strongest hale, instead of
+the puzzon one gets at this awful mean place, that looks like nothin' but
+the weshin' o' brewers' haprons. Oh! I 'umbly begs pardon,' exclaimed he,
+dropping from his horse on to his knees on discovering that he was
+addressing Mr. Crowdey--'I thought it was Robins, the mole-ketcher.'
+
+'Thought it was Robins, the mole-catcher,' growled Jog; 'what have you to
+do with (puff) Robins, the (wheeze) mole-catcher?'
+
+Jog boiled over with indignation. At first he thought of kicking Leather, a
+feat that his suppliant position made extremely convenient, if not
+tempting. Prudence, however, suggested that Leather might have him up for
+the assault. So he stood puffing and wheezing and eyeing the blear-eyed,
+brandy-nosed old drunkard with, as he thought, a withering look of
+contempt; and then, though the man was drunk and the night was dark, he
+waddled off, leaving Mr. Leather on his once white breeches' knees. If Jog
+had had reasonable time, say an hour or an hour and twenty minutes, to
+improvise it in, he would have said something uncommonly sharp; as it was
+he left him with the pertinent inquiry we have recorded--'What have you to
+do with Robins, the mole-catcher?' We need hardly say that this little
+incident did not at all ingratiate Mr. Sponge with his host, who re-entered
+his house in a worse humour than ever. It was insulting a gentleman on his
+own ter-ri-tory--bearding an Englishman in his own castle. 'Not to be borne
+(puff),' said Jog.
+
+It was now nearly five o'clock, Jog's dinner hour, and still no Mr. Sponge.
+Mrs. Jog proposed waiting half an hour, indeed, she had told Susan, the
+cook, to keep the dinner back a little, to give Mr. Sponge a chance, who
+could not possibly change his tight hunting things for his evening tights
+in the short space of time that Jog could drop off his loose-flowing
+garments, wash his hands, and run the comb through his lank, candle-like
+hair.
+
+Five o'clock struck, and Jog was just applying his hand to the fat
+red-and-black worsted bell-pull, when Mrs. Jog announced what she had done.
+
+'Put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff)!' repeated he,
+blowing furiously into his clean shirt-frill, which stuck up under his nose
+like a hand-saw; 'put off the dinner (wheeze)! put off the dinner (puff), I
+wish you wouldn't do such (wheeze) things without consulting (gasp) me.'
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you couldn't possibly sit down without him,' observed
+Mrs. Jog mildly.
+
+'Possibly! (puff), possibly! (wheeze),' repeated Jog. 'There's no possibly
+in the matter,' retorted he, blowing more furiously into the frill.
+
+Mrs. Jog was silent.
+
+'A man should conform to the (puff) hours of the (wheeze) house,' observed
+Jog, after a pause.
+
+'Well, but, my dear, you know hunters are always allowed a little law,'
+observed Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Law! (puff), law! (wheeze),' retorted Jog. 'I never want any law,'
+thinking of Smiler _v._ Jogglebury.
+
+Half-past five o'clock came, and still no Sponge; and Mrs. Jog, thinking it
+would be better to arrange to have something hot for him when he came, than
+to do further battle with her husband, gave the bell the double ring
+indicative of 'bring dinner.'
+
+'Nay (puff), nay (wheeze); when you have (gasp)ed so long,' growled Jog,
+taking the other tack, 'you might as well have (wheez)ed a little
+longer'--snorting into his frill as he spoke.
+
+Mrs. Jogglebury said nothing, but slipped quietly out, as if after her
+keys, to tell Susan to keep so-and-so in the meat-screen, and have a few
+potatoes ready to boil against Mr. Sponge arrived. She then sidled back
+quietly into the room. Jog and she presently proceeded to that
+all-important meal. Jog blowing out the company candles on the side-table
+as he passed.
+
+Jog munched away with a capital appetite; but Mrs. Jog, who took the bulk
+of her lading in at the children's dinner, sat trifling with the contents
+of her plate, listening alternately for the sound of horses' hoofs outside,
+and for nursery squalls in.
+
+Dinner passed over, and the fruity port and sugary sherry soon usurped the
+places that stick-jaw pudding and cheese had occupied.
+
+'Mr. (puff) Sponge must be (wheeze), I think,' observed Jog, hauling his
+great silver watch out, like a bucket, from his fob, on seeing that it only
+wanted ten minutes to seven.
+
+'Oh, Jog!' exclaimed Mrs. Jog, clasping her beautiful hands, and casting
+her bright beady eyes up to the low ceiling.
+
+'Oh, Jog! What's the matter now? (puff--wheeze--gasp),' exclaimed our
+friend, reddening up, and fixing his stupid eyes intently on his wife.
+
+'Oh, nothing,' replied Mrs. Jog, unclasping her hands, and bringing down
+her eyes.
+
+'Oh, nothin'!' retorted Jog. 'Nothin'!' repeated he. 'Ladies don't get
+into such tantrums for nothin'.'
+
+'Well, then, Jog, I was thinking if anything should have ha--ha--happened
+Mr. Sponge, how Gustavus Ja--Ja--James will have lost his chance.' And
+thereupon she dived for her lace-fringed pocket-handkerchief, and hurried
+out of the room.
+
+But Mrs. Jog had said quite enough to make the caldron of Jog's jealousy
+boil over, and he sat staring into the fire, imagining all sorts of
+horrible devices in the coals and cinders, and conjuring up all sorts of
+evils, until he felt himself possessed of a hundred and twenty thousand
+devils.
+
+'I'll get shot of this chap at last,' said he, with a knowing jerk of his
+head and a puff into his frill, as he drew his thick legs under his chair,
+and made a semi-circle to get at the bottle. 'I'll get shot of this chap,'
+repeated he, pouring himself out a bumper of the syrupy port, and eyeing it
+at the composite candle. He drained off the glass, and immediately filled
+another. That, too, went down; then he took another, and another, and
+another; and seeing the bottle get low, he thought he might as well finish
+it. He felt better after it. Not that he was a bit more reconciled to our
+friend Mr. Sponge, but he felt more equal to cope with him--he even felt as
+if he could fight him. There did not, however, seem to be much likelihood
+of his having to perform that ceremony, for nine o'clock struck and no Mr.
+Sponge, and at half-past Mr. Crowdey stumped off to bed.
+
+Mrs. Crowdey, having given Bartholomew and Susan a dirty pack of cards to
+play with to keep them awake till Mr. Sponge arrived, went to bed, too, and
+the house was presently tranquil.
+
+It, however, happened that that amazing prodigy, Gustavus James, having
+been out on a sort of eleemosynary excursion among the neighbouring farmers
+and people, exhibiting as well his fine blue-feathered hat, as his
+astonishing proficiency in 'Bah! bah! black sheep,' and 'Obin and Ichard,'
+getting seed-cake from one, sponge cake from another, and toffy from a
+third, was troubled with a very bad stomach-ache during the night, of
+which he soon made the house sensible by his screams and his cries. Jog and
+his wife were presently at him; and, as Jog sat in his white cotton
+nightcap and flowing flannel dressing-gown in an easy chair in the nursery,
+he heard the crack of the whip, and the prolonged _yeea-yu-u-p_ of Mr.
+Sponge's arrival. Presently the trampling of a horse was heard passing
+round to the stable. The clock then struck one.
+
+[Illustration: GUSTAVUS JAMES IN TROUBLE]
+
+'Pretty hour for a man to come home to a strange house!' observed Mr. Jog,
+for the nurse, or Murry Ann, or Mrs. Jog, or any one that liked, to take
+up.
+
+Mrs. Jog was busy with the rhubarb and magnesia, and the others said
+nothing. After the lapse of a few minutes, the clank, clank, clank of Mr.
+Sponge's spurs was heard as he passed round to the front, and Mr. Jog stole
+out on to the landing to hear how he would get in.
+
+Thump! thump! thump! went Mr. Sponge at the door; rap--tap--tap he went at
+it with his whip.
+
+'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Bartholomew from the inside.
+
+Presently the shooting of bolts, the withdrawal of bands, and the opening
+of doors, were heard.
+
+'Not gone to bed yet, old boy?' said Mr. Sponge, as he entered.
+
+'No, thir!' snuffled the boy, who had a bad cold, 'been thitten up for
+you.'
+
+'Old puff-and-blow gone?' asked Mr. Sponge, depositing his hat and whip on
+a chair.
+
+The boy gave no answer.
+
+'Is old bellows-to-mend gone to bed?' asked Mr. Sponge in a louder voice.
+
+'The charman's gone,' replied the boy, who looked upon his master--the
+chairman of the Stir-it-stiff Union--as the impersonification of all
+earthly greatness.
+
+'Dash your impittance,' growled Jog, slinking back into the nursery; 'I'll
+pay you off! (puff),' added he, with a jerk of his white night-capped head,
+'I'll bellows-to-mend you! (wheeze).'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV
+
+FAMILY JARS
+
+
+Gustavus James's internal qualms being at length appeased, Mr. Jogglebury
+Crowdey returned to bed, but not to sleep--sleep there was none for him. He
+was full of indignation and jealousy, and felt suspicious of the very
+bolster itself. He had been insulted--grossly insulted. Three such
+names--the 'Woolpack,' 'Old puff-and-blow,' and 'Bellows-to-mend'--no
+gentleman, surely, ever was called before by a guest, in his own house.
+Called, too, before his own servant. What veneration, what respect, could a
+servant feel for a master whom he heard called 'Old bellows-to-mend'? It
+damaged the respect inspired by the chairmanship of the Stir-it-stiff
+Union, to say nothing of the trusteeship of the Sloppyhocks, Tolpuddle, and
+other turnpike-roads. It annihilated everything. So he fumed, and fretted,
+and snorted, and snored. Worst of all, he had no one to whom he could
+unburden his grievance. He could not make the partner of his bosom a
+partner in his woes, because--and he bounced about so that he almost shot
+the clothes off the bed, at the thoughts of the 'why.'
+
+Thus he lay tumbling and tossing, and fuming and wheezing and puffing, now
+vowing vengeance against Leather, who he recollected had called him the
+'Woolpack,' and determining to have him turned off in the morning for his
+impudence--now devising schemes for getting rid of Mr. Sponge and him
+together. Oh, could he but see them off! could he but see the portmanteau
+and carpet-bag again standing in the passage, he would gladly lend his
+phaeton to carry them anywhere. He would drive it himself for the pleasure
+of knowing and feeling he was clear of them. He wouldn't haggle about the
+pikes; nay, he would even give Sponge a gibbey, any he liked--the pick of
+the whole--Wellington, Napoleon Bonaparte, a crowned head even, though it
+would damage the set. So he lay, rolling and restless, hearing every clock
+strike; now trying to divert his thoughts, by making a rough calculation
+what all his gibbeys put together were worth; now considering whether he
+had forgotten to go for any he had marked in the course of his
+peregrinations; now wishing he had laid one about old Leather, when he fell
+on his knees after calling him the 'Woolpack'; then wondering whether
+Leather would have had him before the County Court for damages, or taken
+him before Justice Slowcoach for the assault. As morning advanced, his
+thoughts again turned upon the best mode of getting rid of his most
+unwelcome guests, and he arose and dressed, with the full determination of
+trying what he could do.
+
+Having tried the effects of an upstairs shout the morning before, he
+decided to see what a down one would do; accordingly, he mounted the stairs
+and climbed the sort of companion-ladder that led to the servants' attics,
+where he kept a stock of gibbeys in the rafters. Having reached this, he
+cleared his throat, laid his head over the banisters, and putting an open
+hand on each side of his mouth to direct the sound, exclaimed with a loud
+and audible voice:
+
+'BARTHOLO--_m--e--w_!'
+
+'BAR--THO--LO--_m--e--e--w_!' repeated he, after a pause, with a
+full separation of the syllables and a prolonged intonation of the
+_m--e--w_.
+
+No Bartholomew answered.
+
+'MURRAY ANN!' then hallooed Jog, in a sharper, quicker key.
+'MURRAY ANN!' repeated he, still louder, after a pause.
+
+'Yes, sir! here, sir!' exclaimed that invaluable servant, tidying her
+pink-ribboned cap as she hurried into the passage below. Looking up, she
+caught sight of her master's great sallow chaps hanging like a flitch of
+bacon over the garret banister.
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann,' bellowed Mr. Jog, at the top of his voice, still holding
+his hands to his mouth, as soon as he saw her, 'Oh, Murry Ann, you'd better
+get the (puff) breakfast ready; I think the (gasp) Mr. Sponge will be
+(wheezing) away to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'And tell Bartholomew to get his washin' bills in.'
+
+'He harn't had no washin' done,' replied Mary Ann, raising her voice to
+correspond with that of her master.
+
+'Then his bill for postage,' replied Mr. Jog, in the same tone.
+
+'He harn't had no letters neither,' replied Mary Ann.
+
+'Oh, then, just get the breakfast ready,' rejoined Jog, adding, 'he'll be
+(wheezing) away as soon as he gets it, I (puff) expect.'
+
+'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as, with throbbing head, he lay
+tumbling about in bed, alleviating the recollections of the previous day's
+debauch with an occasional dive into his old friend _Mogg_. Corporeally, he
+was in bed at Puddingpote Bower, but mentally, he was at the door of the
+Goose and Gridiron, in St. Paul's Churchyard, waiting for the three o'clock
+bus, coming from the Bank to take him to Isleworth Gate.
+
+Jog's bellow to 'Bartholo--_m--e--w_' interrupted the journey, just as in
+imagination Mr. Sponge was putting his foot on the wheel and hallooing to
+the driver to hand him the strap to help him on to the box.
+
+'Will he?' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he heard Jog's reiterated
+assertion that he would be wheezing away that day. 'Wish you may get it,
+old boy,' added he, tucking the now backless _Mogg_ under his pillow, and
+turning over for a snooze.
+
+When he got down, he found the party ranged at breakfast, minus the
+interesting prodigy, Gustavus James, whom Sponge proceeded to inquire after
+as soon as he had made his obeisance to his host and hostess, and
+distributed a round of daubed comfits to the rest of the juvenile party.
+
+'But where's my little friend, Augustus James?' asked he, on arriving at
+the wonder's high chair by the side of mamma. 'Where's my little friend,
+Augustus James?' asked he, with an air of concern.
+
+'Oh, _Gustavus_ James,' replied Mrs. Jog, with an emphasis on Gustavus;
+'_Gustavus_ James is not very well this morning; had a little indigestion
+during the night.'
+
+'Poor little hound,' observed Mr. Sponge, filling his mouth with hot
+kidney, glad to be rid for a time of the prodigy. 'I thought I heard a row
+when I came home, which was rather late for an early man like me, but the
+fact was, nothing would serve Sir Harry but I should go with him to get
+some refreshment at a tenant's of his; and we got on talking, first about
+one thing, and then about another, and the time slipped away so quickly,
+that day was gone before I knew where I was; and though Sir Harry was most
+anxious--indeed, would hardly take a refusal--for me to go home with him, I
+felt that, being a guest here, I couldn't do it--at least, not then; so I
+got my horse, and tried to find my way with such directions as the farmer
+gave me, and soon lost my way, for the moon was uncertain, and the country
+all strange both to me and my horse.'
+
+'What farmer was it?' asked Jog, with the butter streaming down the gutters
+of his chin from a mouthful of thick toast. 'Farmer--farmer--farmer--let
+me see, what farmer it was,' replied Mr. Sponge thoughtfully, again
+attacking the kidneys. 'Oh, farmer Beanstraw, I should say.'
+
+'_Pea_straw, p'raps?' suggested Jog, colouring up, and staring intently at
+Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Pea--Peastraw was the name,' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I know him,' said Jog; 'Peastraw of Stoke.'
+
+'Ah, he said he knew you.' replied Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Did he?' asked Jog eagerly. 'What did he say?'
+
+'Say--let me see what he said,' replied he, pretending to recollect.' He
+said "you are a deuced good feller," and I'd to make his compliments to
+you, and to say that there were some nice young ash saplings on his farm
+that you were welcome to cut.'
+
+'Did he?' exclaimed Jog; 'I'm sure that's very (puff) polite of him. I'll
+(wheeze) over there the first opportunity.'
+
+'And what did you make of Sir Harry?' asked Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Did you (puff) say you were going to (wheeze) over to him?' asked Jog
+eagerly.
+
+'I told him I'd go to him before I left the country,' replied Mr. Sponge
+carelessly; adding, 'Sir Harry is rather too fast a man for me.'
+
+'Too fast for himself, I should think,' observed Mrs. Jog.
+
+'Fine (puff--wheeze) young man,' growled Jog into the bottom of his cup.
+
+'Have you known him long?' asked Mrs. Jogglebury.
+
+'Oh, we fox-hunters all know each other,' replied Mr. Sponge evasively.
+
+'Well, now that's what I tell Mr. Jogglebury,' exclaimed she. 'Mr. Jog's so
+shy, that there's no getting him to do what he ought,' added the lady. 'No
+one, to hear him, would think he's the great man he is.'
+
+'Ought (puff)--ought (wheeze),' retorted Jog, puffing furiously into his
+capacious shirt-frill. 'It's one (puff) thing to know (puff) people out
+with the (wheeze) hounds, and another to go calling upon them at their
+(gasp) houses.' 'Well, but, my dear, that's the way people make
+acquaintance,' replied his wife. 'Isn't it, Mr. Sponge?' continued she,
+appealing to our friend.
+
+'Oh, certainly,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'certainly; all men are equal out
+hunting.'
+
+'So I say,' exclaimed Mrs. Jogglebury; 'and yet I can't get Jog to call on
+Sir George Stiff, though he meets him frequently out hunting.'
+
+'Well, but then I can't (puff) upon him out hunting (wheeze), and then
+we're not all equal (gasp) when we go home.'
+
+So saying, our friend rose from his chair, and after giving each leg its
+usual shake, and banging his pockets behind to feel that he had his keys
+safe, he strutted consequentially up to the window to see how the day
+looked.
+
+Mr. Sponge, not being desirous of continuing the 'calling' controversy,
+especially as it might lead to inquiries relative to his acquaintance with
+Sir Harry, finished the contents of his plate quickly, drank up his tea,
+and was presently alongside of his host, asking him whether he 'was good
+for a ride, a walk, or what?'
+
+'A (puff) ride, a (wheeze) walk, or a (gasp) what?' repeated Jog
+thoughtfully. 'No, I (puff) think I'll stay at (puff) home,' thinking that
+would be the safest plan.
+
+''Ord, hang it, you'll never lie at earth such a day as this!' exclaimed
+Sponge, looking out on the bright, sunny landscape.
+
+'Got a great deal to do,' retorted Jog, who, like all thoroughly idle men,
+was always dreadfully busy. He then dived into a bundle of rough sticks,
+and proceeded to select one to fashion into the head of Mr. Hume. Sponge,
+being unable to make anything of him, was obliged to exhaust the day in the
+stable, and in sauntering about the country. It was clear Jog was
+determined to be rid of him, and he was sadly puzzled what to do. Dinner
+found his host in no better humour, and after a sort of Quakers' meeting of
+an evening, they parted heartily sick of each other.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LV
+
+THE TRIGGER
+
+
+Jog slept badly again, and arose next morning full of projects for getting
+rid of his impudent, unceremonious, free-and-easy guest.
+
+Having tried both an up and a downstairs shout, he now went out and planted
+himself immediately under Mr. Sponge's bedroom window, and, clearing his
+voice, commenced his usual vociferations.
+
+'Bartholo--_m--e--w_!' whined he. '_Bartholo--m--e--w_!' repeated he,
+somewhat louder. 'BAR--THOLO--_m--e--w_!' roared he, in a voice of
+thunder.
+
+Bartholomew did not answer.
+
+'Murry Ann!' exclaimed Jog, after a pause. '_Murry Ann!_' repeated he,
+still louder. 'MURRAY ANN!' roared he, at the top of his voice.
+
+'Comin', sir! comin'!' exclaimed Mary Ann, peeping down upon him from the
+garret-window.
+
+'Oh, Murry Ann,' cried Mr. Jog, looking up, and catching the ends of her
+blue ribbons streaming past the window-frame, as she changed her nightcap
+for a day one, 'oh, Murry Ann, you'd better be (puff)in' forrard with the
+(gasp) breakfast; Mr. Sponge'll most likely be (wheeze)in' away to-day.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' replied Mary Ann, adjusting the cap becomingly.
+
+'Confounded, puffing, wheezing, gasping, broken-winded old blockhead it
+is!' growled Mr. Sponge, wishing he could get to his former earth at
+Puffington's, or anywhere else. When he got down he found Jog in a very
+roomy, bright, green-plush shooting-jacket, with pockets innumerable, and a
+whistle suspended to a button-hole. His nether man was encased in a pair of
+most dilapidated white moleskins, that had been degraded from hunting into
+shooting ones, and whose cracks and darns showed the perils to which their
+wearer had been exposed. Below these were drab, horn-buttoned gaiters, and
+hob-nailed shoes.
+
+'Going a-gunning, are you?' asked Mr. Sponge, after the morning salutation,
+which Jog returned most gruffly.
+
+'I'll go with you,' said Mr. Sponge, at once dispelling the delusion of his
+wheezing away.
+
+'Only going to frighten the (puff) rooks off the (gasp) wheat,' replied Jog
+carelessly, not wishing to let Sponge see what a numb hand he was with a
+gun.
+
+'I thought you told me you were going to get me a hare,' observed Mrs. Jog;
+adding, 'I'm sure shooting is a much more rational amusement than tearing
+your clothes going after the hounds,' eyeing the much dilapidated moleskins
+as she spoke.
+
+Mrs. Jog found shooting more useful than hunting.
+
+'Oh, if a (puff) hare comes in my (gasp) way, I'll turn her over,' replied
+Jog carelessly, as if turning them over was quite a matter of course with
+him; adding, 'but I'm not (wheezing) out for the express purpose of
+shooting one.'
+
+'Ah, well,' observed Sponge, 'I'll go with you, all the same.'
+
+'But I've only got one gun,' gasped Jog, thinking it would be worse to have
+Sponge laughing at his shooting than even leaving him at home.
+
+'Then, we'll shoot turn and turn about,' replied the pertinacious guest.
+
+Jog did his best to dissuade him, observing that the birds were (puff)
+scarce and (wheeze) wild, and the (gasp) hares much troubled with poachers;
+but Mr. Sponge wanted a walk, and moreover had a fancy for seeing Jog
+handle his gun.
+
+Having cut himself some extremely substantial sandwiches, and filled his
+'monkey' full of sherry, our friend Jog slipped out the back way to loosen
+old Ponto, who acted the triple part of pointer, house-dog, and horse to
+Gustavus James. He was a great fat, black-and-white brute, with a head like
+a hat-box, a tail like a clothes-peg, and a back as broad as a well-fed
+sheep's. The old brute was so frantic at the sight of his master in his
+green coat, and wide-awake to match, that he jumped and bounced, and
+barked, and rattled his chain, and set up such yells, that his noise
+sounded all over the house, and soon brought Mr. Sponge to the scene of
+action, where stood our friend, loading his gun and looking as
+consequential as possible.
+
+'I shall only just take a (puff) stroll over moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry,'
+observed Jog, as Mr. Sponge emerged at the back door.
+
+[Illustration: FRANTIC DELIGHT OF PONTO]
+
+Jog's pace was about two miles and a half an hour, stoppages included, and
+he thought it advisable to prepare Mr. Sponge for the trial. He then
+shouldered his gun and waddled away, first over the stile into Farmer
+Stiffland's stubble, round which Ponto ranged in the most riotous,
+independent way, regardless of Jog's whistles and rates and the crack of
+his little knotty whip. Jog then crossed the old pasture into Mr. Lowland's
+turnips, into which Ponto dashed in the same energetic way, but these
+impediments to travelling soon told on his great buttermilk carcass, and
+brought him to a more subdued pace; still, the dog had a good deal more
+energy than his master. Round he went, sniffing and hunting, then dashing
+right through the middle of the field, as if he was out on his own account
+alone, and had nothing whatever to do with a master.
+
+'Why, your dog'll spring all the birds out of shot,' observed Mr. Sponge;
+and, just as he spoke, whirr! rose a covey of partridges, eleven in number,
+quite at an impossible distance, but Jog blazed away all the same.
+
+''Ord rot it, man! if you'd only held your (something) tongue,' growled
+Jog, as he shaded the sun from his eyes to mark them down, 'I'd have
+(wheezed) half of them over.'
+
+'Nonsense, man!' replied Mr. Sponge. 'They were a mile out of shot.'
+
+'I think I should know my (puff) gun better than (wheeze) you,' replied
+Jog, bringing it down to load.
+
+'They're down!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, who, having watched them till they
+began to skim in their flight, saw them stop, flap their wings, and drop
+among some straggling gorse on the hill before them. 'Let's break the
+covey; we shall bag them better singly.'
+
+'Take time (puff), replied Jog, snorting into his frill, and measuring out
+his powder most leisurely. 'Take time (wheeze),' repeated he; 'they're just
+on the bounds of moy ter-ri-to-ry.'
+
+Jog had had many a game at romps with these birds, and knew their haunts
+and habits to a nicety. The covey consisted of thirteen at first, but by
+repeated blazings into the 'brown of 'em,' he had succeeded in knocking
+down two. Jog was not one of your conceited shots, who never fired but when
+he was sure of killing; on the contrary, he always let drive far or near;
+and even if he shot a hare, which he sometimes did, with the first barrel,
+he always popped the second into her, to make sure. The chairman's shooting
+afforded amusement to the neighbourhood. On one occasion a party of
+reapers, having watched him miss twelve shots in succession, gave him three
+cheers on coming to the thirteenth--but to our day. Jog had now got his gun
+reloaded with mischief, the cap put on, and all ready for a fresh start.
+Ponto, meanwhile, had been ranging, Jog thinking it better to let him take
+the edge off his ardour than conform to the strict rules of lying down or
+coming to heel. 'Now, let's on,' cried Mr. Sponge, stepping out quickly.
+
+'Take time (puff), take time (wheeze),' gasped Jog, waddling along; 'better
+let 'em settle a little (puff). Better let 'em settle a little (gasp),'
+added he, labouring on.
+
+'Oh no, keep them moving,' replied Mr. Sponge, 'keep them moving. Only get
+at 'em on the hill, and drive 'em into the fields below, and we shall have
+rare fun.'
+
+'But the (puff) fields below are not mine,' gasped Jog.
+
+'Whose are they?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Oh (puff), Mrs. Moses's,' gasped Jog. 'My stoopid old uncle,' continued
+he, stopping, and laying hold of Mr. Sponge's arm, as if to illustrate his
+position, but in reality to get breath, 'my stoopid old uncle (puff) missed
+buying that (wheeze) land when old Harry Griperton died. I only wanted that
+to make moy (wheeze) ter-ri-to-ry extend all the (gasp) way up to
+Cockwhistle Park there,' continued he, climbing on to a stile they now
+approached, and setting aside the top stone. 'That's Cockwhistle Park, up
+there--just where you see the (puff) windmill--then (puff) moy (wheeze)
+ter-ri-to-ry comes up to the (wheeze) fallow you see all yellow with runch;
+and if my old (puff) uncle (wheeze) Crowdey had had the sense of a (gasp)
+goose, he'd have (wheezed) that when it was sold. Moy (puff) name was
+(wheeze) Jogglebury,' added he, 'before my (gasp) uncle died.'
+
+'Well, never mind about that,' replied Mr. Sponge; 'let us go on after
+these birds.'
+
+'Oh, we'll (puff) up to them presently,' observed Jog, labouring away, with
+half a ton of clay at each foot, the sun having dispelled the frost where
+it struck, and made the land carry.
+
+'_Presently!_' retorted Mr. Sponge. 'But you should make haste, man.'
+
+'Well, but let me go my own (puff) pace,' snapped Jog, labouring away.
+
+'Pace!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'your own crawl, you should say.'
+
+'Indeed!' growled Jog, with an angry snort.
+
+They now got through a well-established cattle-gap into a very rushy,
+squashy, gorse-grown pasture, at the bottom of the rising ground on which
+Mr. Sponge had marked the birds. Ponto, whose energetic exertions had been
+gradually relaxing, until he had settled down to a leisurely hunting-dog,
+suddenly stood transfixed, with the right foot up, and his gaze settled on
+a rushy tuft.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' ejaculated Jog, expecting every minute to see him dash at it.
+'P-o-o-n-to!' repeated he, raising his hand.
+
+Mr. Sponge stood on the tip-toe of expectation; Jog raised his wide-awake
+hat from his eyes and advanced cautiously with the engine of destruction
+cocked. Up started a great hare; bang! went the gun, with the hare none the
+worse. Bang! went the other barrel, which the hare acknowledged by two or
+three stotting bounds and an increase of pace.
+
+'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge.
+
+Away went Ponto in pursuit.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' shrieked Jog, stamping with rage.
+
+'I could have wiped your nose,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, covering the hare
+with a hedge-stake placed to his shoulder like a gun.
+
+'Could you?' growled Jog; ''spose you wipe your own,' added he, not
+understanding the meaning of the term.
+
+Meanwhile, old Ponto went rolling away most energetically, the farther he
+went the farther he was left behind, till the hare having scuttled out of
+sight, he wheeled about and came leisurely back, as if he was doing all
+right.
+
+Jog was very wroth, and vented his anger on the dog, which, he declared,
+had caused him to miss, vowing, as he rammed away at the charge, that he
+never missed such a shot before. Mr. Sponge stood eyeing him with a look of
+incredulity, thinking that a man who could miss such a shot could miss
+anything. They were now all ready for a fresh start, and Ponto, having
+pocketed his objurgation, dashed forward again up the rising ground over
+which the covey had dropped.
+
+Jog's thick wind was a serious impediment to the expeditious mounting of
+the hill, and the dog seemed aware of his infirmity, and to take pleasure
+in aggravating him.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog, as he slipped, and scrambled, and toiled, sorely
+impeded by the encumbrance of his gun.
+
+But P-o-o-n-to heeded him not. He knew his master couldn't catch him, and
+if he did, that he durstn't flog him.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to!' gasped Jog again, still louder, catching at a bush to prevent
+his slipping back. 'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-to!' wheezed he; but the dog just
+rolled his great stern, and bustled about more actively than ever.
+
+'Hang ye! but I'd cut you in two if I had you!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge,
+eyeing his independent proceedings.
+
+'He's not a bad (puff) dog,' observed Jog, mopping the perspiration from
+his brow.
+
+'He's not a good 'un,' retorted Mr. Sponge.
+
+'D'ye think not (wheeze)?' asked Jog.
+
+'Sure of it,' replied Sponge.
+
+'Serves me,' growled Jog, labouring up the hill.
+
+'Easy served,' replied Mr. Sponge, whistling, and eyeing the independent
+animal.
+
+'T-o-o-h-o-o! P-o-o-n-t-o!' gasped Jog, as he dashed forward on reaching
+level ground more eagerly than ever.
+
+'P-o-o-n-to! T-o-o-h-o-o!' repeated he, in a still louder tone, with the
+same success.
+
+'You'd better get up to him,' observed Mr. Sponge, 'or he'll spring all the
+birds.'
+
+Jog, however, blundered on at his own pace, growling:
+
+'Most (puff) haste, least (wheeze) speed.'
+
+The dog was now fast drawing upon where the birds lit; and Mr. Sponge and
+Jog having reached the top of the hill, Mr. Sponge stood still to watch the
+result.
+
+Up whirred four birds out of a patch of gorse behind the dog, all
+presenting most beautiful shots. Jog blazed a barrel at them without
+touching a feather, and the report of the gun immediately raised three
+brace more into the thick of which he fired with similar success. They all
+skimmed away unhurt.
+
+'Well missed!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge again. 'You're what they call a good
+shooter but a bad hitter.'
+
+'You're what they call a (wheeze) fellow,' growled Jog.
+
+He meant to say 'saucy,' but the word wouldn't rise. He then commenced
+reloading his gun, and lecturing P-o-o-n-to, who still continued his
+exertions, and inwardly anathematizing Mr. Sponge. He wished he had left
+him at home. Then recollecting Mrs. Jog, he thought perhaps he was as well
+where he was. Still his presence made him shoot worse than usual, and there
+was no occasion for that.
+
+'Let _me_ have a shot now,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Shot (puff)--shot (wheeze); well, take a shot if you choose,' replied he.
+
+Just as Mr. Sponge got the gun, up rose the eleventh bird, and he knocked
+it over.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE GIVES PONTO A LESSON]
+
+'_That's_ the way to do it!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, as the bird fell dead
+before Ponto.
+
+The excited dog, unused to such descents, snatched it up and ran off. Just
+as he was getting out of shot, Mr. Sponge fired the other barrel at him,
+causing him to drop the bird and run yelping and howling away. Jog was
+furious. He stamped, and gasped, and fumed, and wheezed, and seemed like to
+burst with anger and indignation. Though the dog ran away as hard as he
+could lick, Jog insisted that he was mortally wounded, and would die. 'He
+never saw so (wheeze) a thing done. He wouldn't have taken twenty pounds
+for the dog. No, he wouldn't have taken thirty. Forty wouldn't have bought
+him. He was worth fifty of anybody's money,' and so he went on, fuming and
+advancing his value as he spoke.
+
+Mr. Sponge stole away to where the dog had dropped the bird; and Mr. Jog,
+availing himself of his absence, retraced his steps down the hill, and
+struck off home at a much faster pace than he came. Arrived there, he found
+the dog in the kitchen, somewhat sore from the visitation of the shot, but
+not sufficiently injured to prevent his enjoying a most liberal plate of
+stick-jaw pudding supplied by a general contribution of the servants. Jog's
+wrath was then turned in another direction, and he blew up for the waste
+and extravagance of the act, hinting pretty freely that he knew who it was
+that had set them against it. Altogether he was full of troubles,
+vexations, and annoyances; and after spending another most disagreeable
+evening with our friend Sponge, went to bed more determined than ever to
+get rid of him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVI
+
+NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN
+
+
+Poor Jog again varied his hints the next morning. After sundry prefatory
+'Murry Anns!' and 'Bar-tho-lo-_mews_!' he at length got the latter to
+answer, when, raising his voice so as to fill the whole house, he desired
+him to go to the stable, and let Mr. Sponge's man know his master would be
+(wheezing) away.
+
+'You're wrong there, old buck,' growled Leather, as he heard the foregoing;
+'he's half-way to Sir 'Arry's by this time.'
+
+And sure enough, Mr. Sponge was, as none knew better than Leather, who had
+got him his horse, the hack being indisposed--that is to say, having been
+out all night with Mr. Leather on a drinking excursion, Leather having just
+got home in time to receive the purple-coated, bare-footed runner of
+Nonsuch House, who dropped in, _en passant_, to see if there was anything
+to stow away in his roomy trouser-pockets, and leave word that Sir Harry
+was going to hunt, and would meet before the house.
+
+Leather, though somewhat muzzy, was sufficiently sober to be able to
+deliver this message, and acquaint Mr. Sponge with the impossibility of his
+'ridin' the 'ack.' Indeed, he truly said that he had 'been hup with him all
+night, and at one time thought it was all hover with him,' the
+all-overishness consisting of Mr. Leather being nearly all over the hack's
+head, in consequence of the animal shying at another drunken man lying
+across the road.
+
+Mr. Sponge listened to the recital with the indifference of a man who rides
+hack-horses, and coolly observed that Leather must take on the chestnut,
+and he would ride the brown to cover.
+
+'Couldn't, sir, couldn't,' replied Leather, with a shake of the head and a
+twinkle of his roguish, watery grey eyes.
+
+'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge, who never saw any difficulty.
+
+'Oh, sur,' replied Leather, in a tone of despondency, 'it would be quite
+unpossible. Consider wot a day the last one was; why, he didn't get to rest
+till three the next mornin'.'
+
+'It'll only be walking exercise,' observed Mr. Sponge; 'do him good.'
+
+'Better valk the chestnut,' replied Mr. Leather; 'Multum in Parvo hasn't
+'ad a good day this I don't know wen, and will be all the better of a
+bucketin'.'
+
+'But I hate crawling to cover on my horse,' replied Mr. Sponge, who liked
+cantering along with a flourish.
+
+'You'll have to crawl if you ride 'Ercles,' observed Leather, 'if not walk.
+Bless you! I've been a-nussin' of him and the 'ack most the 'ole night.'
+
+'Indeed!' replied Mr. Sponge, who began to be alarmed lest his hunting
+might be brought to an abrupt termination.
+
+'True as I'm 'ere,' rejoined Leather. 'He's just as much off his grub as he
+vos when he com'd in; never see'd an 'oss more reg'larly dished--more--'
+
+'Well, well,' said Mr. Sponge, interrupting the catalogue of grievances; 'I
+s'pose I must do as you say--I s'pose I must do as you say: what sort of a
+day is it?'
+
+'Vy, the day's not a bad day; at least that's to say, it's not a wery
+haggrivatin' day. I've seen a betterer day, in course; but I've also seen
+many a much worser day, and days at this time of year, you know, are apt to
+change--sometimes, in course, for the betterer--sometimes, in course, for
+the worser.'
+
+'Is it a frost?' snapped Mr. Sponge, tired of his loquacity.
+
+'Is it a frost?' repeated Mr. Leather thoughtfully; 'is it a frost? Vy, no;
+I should say it _isn't_ a frost--at least, not a frost to 'urt; there may
+be a little rind on the ground and a little rawness in the hair, but the
+general concatenation--'
+
+'Hout, tout!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'let's have none of your dictionary
+words.'
+
+Mr. Leather stood silent, twisting his hat about.
+
+The consequence of all this was, that Mr. Sponge determined to ride over to
+Nonsuch House to breakfast, which would give his horse half an hour in the
+stable to eat a feed of corn. Accordingly, he desired Leather to bring him
+his shaving-water, and have the horse ready in the stable in half an hour,
+whither, in due time, Mr. Sponge emerged by the back door, without
+encountering any of the family. The ambling piebald looked so crestfallen
+and woebegone in all the swaddling-clothes in which Leather had got him
+enveloped, that Mr. Sponge did not care to look at the gallant Hercules,
+who occupied a temporary loose-box at the far end of the dark stable, lest
+he might look worse. He, therefore, just mounted Multum in Parvo as Leather
+led him out at the door, and set off without a word.
+
+'Well, hang me, but you are a good judge of weather,' exclaimed Sponge to
+himself, as he got into the field at the back of the house, and found the
+horse made little impression on the grass. '_No frost!_' repeated he,
+breathing into the air; 'why it's freezing now, out of the sun.'
+
+On getting into Marygold Lane, our friend drew rein, and was for turning
+back, but the resolute chestnut took the bit between his teeth and shook
+his head, as if determined to go on.
+
+'Oh, you brute!' growled Mr. Sponge, letting the spurs into his sides with
+a hearty good-will, which caused the animal to kick, as if he meant to
+stand on his head. 'Ah, you _will_, will ye?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, letting
+the spurs in again as the animal replaced his legs on the ground. Up they
+went again, if possible higher than before.
+
+The brute was clearly full of mischief, and even if the hounds did not
+throw off, which there was little prospect of their doing from the
+appearance of the weather, Mr. Sponge felt that it would be well to get
+some of the nonsense taken out of him; and, moreover, going to Nonsuch
+House would give him a chance of establishing a billet there--a chance that
+he had been deprived of by Sir Harry's abrupt departure from Farmer
+Peastraw's. So saying, our friend gathered his horse together, and settling
+himself in his saddle, made his sound hoofs ring upon the hard road.
+
+'He _may_ hunt,' thought Mr. Sponge, as he rattled along; 'such a rum
+beggar as Sir Harry may think it fun to go out in a frost. It's hard, too,'
+said he, as he saw the poor turnip-pullers enveloped in their thick shawls,
+and watched them thumping their arms against their sides to drive the cold
+from their finger-ends.
+
+Multum in Parvo was a good, sound-constitutioned horse, hard and firm as a
+cricket-ball, a horse that would not turn a hair for a trifle even on a
+hunting morning, let alone on such a thorough chiller as this one was; and
+Mr. Sponge, after going along at a good round pace, and getting over the
+ground much quicker than he did when the road was all new to him, and he
+had to ask his way, at length drew in to see what o'clock it was. It was
+only half-past nine, and already in the far distance he saw the encircling
+woods of Nonsuch House.
+
+'Shall be early,' said Mr. Sponge, returning his watch to his
+waistcoat-pocket, and diving into his cutty coat-pocket for the cigar-case.
+Having struck a light, he now laid the rein on the horse's neck and
+proceeded leisurely along, the animal stepping gaily and throwing its head
+about as if he was the quietest, most trustworthy nag in the world. If he
+got there at half-past ten, Mr. Sponge calculated he would have plenty of
+time to see after his horse, get his own breakfast, and see how the land
+lay for a billet.
+
+It would be impossible to hunt before twelve; so he went smoking and
+sauntering along, now wondering whether he would be able to establish a
+billet, now thinking how he would like to sell Sir Harry a horse, then
+considering whether he would be likely to pay for him, and enlivening the
+general reflections by ringing his spurs against his stirrup-irons.
+
+Having passed the lodges at the end of the avenue, he cocked his hat,
+twiddled his hair, felt his tie, and arranged for a becoming appearance.
+The sudden turn of the road brought him full upon the house. How changed
+the scene! Instead of the scarlet-coated youths thronging the gravelled
+ring, flourishing their scented kerchiefs and hunting-whips--instead of
+buxom Abigails and handsome mistresses hanging out of the windows, flirting
+and chatting and ogling, the door was shut, the blinds were down, the
+shutters closed, and the whole house had the appearance of mourning.
+
+Mr. Sponge reined up involuntarily, startled at the change of scene. What
+could have happened! Could Sir Harry be dead? Could my lady have eloped?
+'Oh, that horrid Bugles!' thought he; 'he looked like a gay deceiver.' And
+Mr. Sponge felt as if he had sustained a personal injury.
+
+Just as these thoughts were passing in his mind, a drowsy, slatternly
+charwoman, in an old black straw bonnet and grey bed-gown, opened one of
+the shutters, and throwing up the sash of the window by where Mr. Sponge
+sat, disclosed the contents of the apartment. The last waxlight was just
+dying out in the centre of a splendid candelabra on the middle of a table
+scattered about with claret-jugs, glasses, decanters, pine-apple tops,
+grape-dishes, cakes, anchovy-toast plates, devilled biscuit-racks--all the
+concomitants of a sumptuous entertainment.
+
+'Sir Harry at home?' asked Mr. Sponge, making the woman sensible of his
+presence, by cracking his whip close to her ear. 'No,' replied the dame
+gruffly, commencing an assault upon the nearest chair with a duster.
+
+'Where is he?' asked our friend.
+
+'Bed, to be sure,' replied the woman, in the same tone.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPONGE'S RED COAT COMMANDS NO RESPECT]
+
+'Bed, to be sure,' repeated Mr. Sponge. 'I don't think there's any 'sure'
+in the case. Do you know what o'clock it is?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied the woman, flopping away at another chair, and arranging the
+crimson velvet curtains on the holders.
+
+Mr. Sponge was rather nonplussed. His red coat did not command the respect
+that a red coat generally does. The fact was, they had such queer people in
+red coats at Nonsuch House, that a red coat was rather an object of
+suspicion than otherwise.
+
+'Well, but, my good woman,' continued Mr. Sponge, softening his tone, 'can
+you tell me where I shall find anybody who can tell me anything about the
+hounds?'
+
+'No,' growled the woman, still flopping, and whisking, and knocking the
+furniture about.
+
+'I'll remember you for your trouble,' observed Mr. Sponge, diving his right
+hand into his breeches' pocket.
+
+'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,' observed the woman, now ceasing her
+evolutions, and parting her grisly, disordered tresses, as she advanced and
+stood staring, with her arms akimbo, out of the window. She was the
+under-housemaid's deputy; all the servants at Nonsuch House doing the rough
+of their work by deputy. Lady Scattercash was a _real_ lady, and liked to
+have the credit of the house maintained, which of course can only be done
+by letting the upper servants do nothing. 'Mr. Bottleends be gone to bed,'
+observed the woman.
+
+'Mr. Bottleends?' repeated Mr. Sponge; 'who's he?'
+
+'The butler, to be sure,' replied she, astonished that any person should
+have to ask who such an important personage was.
+
+'Can't you call him?' asked Mr. Sponge, still fumbling in his pocket.
+
+'Couldn't, if it was ever so,' replied the dame, smoothing her dirty
+blue-checked apron with her still dirtier hand.
+
+'Why not?' asked Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Why not?' repeated the woman; 'why, 'cause Mr. Bottleends won't be
+disturbed by no one. He said when he went to bed that he hadn't to be
+called till to-morrow.'
+
+'Not called till to-morrow!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'then is Sir Harry from
+home?'
+
+'From home, no; what should put that i' your head?' sneered the woman.
+
+'Why, if the butler's in bed, one may suppose the master's away.'
+
+'Hout!' snapped the woman; 'Sir Harry's i' bed--Captin Seedeybuck's i'
+bed--Captin Quod's i' bed--Captin Spangle's i' bed--Captin Bouncey's i'
+bed--Captin Cutitfat's i' bed--they're all i' bed 'cept me, and I've got
+the house to clean and right, and high time it was cleaned and righted, for
+they've not been i' bed these three nights any on 'em.' So saying, she
+flourished her duster as if about to set-to again.
+
+'Well, but tell me,' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'can I see the footman, or the
+huntsman, or the groom, or a helper, or anybody?'
+
+'Deary knows,' replied the woman thoughtfully, resting her chin on her
+hand. 'I dare say they'll be all i' bed too.'
+
+'But they are going to hunt, aren't they?' asked our friend.
+
+'_Hunt!_' exclaimed the woman; 'what should put that i' your head.'
+
+'Why, they sent me word they were.'
+
+'It'll be i' bed, then,' observed she, again giving symptoms of a desire to
+return to her dusting.
+
+Mr. Sponge, who still kept his hand in his pocket, sat on his horse in a
+state of stupid bewilderment. He had never seen a case of this sort
+before--a house shut up, and a master of hounds in bed when the hounds were
+to meet before the door. It couldn't be the case: the woman must be
+dreaming, or drunk, or both.
+
+'Well, but, my good woman,' exclaimed he, as she gave a punishing cut at
+the chair, as if to make up for lost time; 'well, but, my good woman, I
+wish you would try and find somebody who can tell me something about the
+hounds. I'm sure they must be going to hunt. I'll remember you for your
+trouble, if you will,' added he, again diving his hand up to the wrist in
+his pocket.
+
+'I tell you,' replied the woman slowly and deliberately, 'there'll be no
+huntin' to-day. Huntin'!' exclaimed she; 'how can they hunt when they've
+all had to be carried to bed?'
+
+'Carried to bed! had they?' exclaimed Mr. Sponge; 'what, were they drunk?'
+
+'Drunk! aye, to be sure. What would you have them be?' replied the crone,
+who seemed to think that drinking was a necessary concomitant of hunting.
+
+'Well, but I can see the footman or somebody, surely,' observed Mr. Sponge,
+fearing that his chance was out for a billet, and recollecting old Jog's
+'Bartholo-_m-e-ws_!' and 'Murry Anns!' and intimations for him to start.
+
+''Deed you can't,' replied the dame--'ye can see nebody but me,' added she,
+fixing her twinkling eyes intently upon him as she spoke.
+
+'Well, that's a pretty go,' observed Mr. Sponge aloud to himself, ringing
+his spurs against his stirrup-irons.
+
+'Pretty go or ugly go,' snapped the woman, thinking it was a reflection on
+herself, 'it's all you'll get'; and thereupon she gave the back of the
+chair a hearty bastinadoing as if in exemplification of the way she would
+like to serve Mr. Sponge out for the observation.
+
+'I came here thinking to get some breakfast,' observed Mr. Sponge, casting
+an eye upon the disordered table, and reconnoitring the bottles and the
+remains of the dessert.
+
+'Did you?' said the woman; 'I wish you may get it.'
+
+'I wish I may,' replied he. 'If you would manage that for me, just some
+coffee and a mutton chop or two, I'd remember you,' said he, still
+tantalizing her with the sound of the silver in his pocket.
+
+'Me manish it!' exclaimed the woman, her hopes again rising at the sound;
+'me manish it! how d'ye think I'm to manish sich things?' asked she.
+
+'Why, get at the cook, or the housekeeper, or somebody,' replied Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'Cook or housekeeper!' exclaimed she. 'There'll be no cook or housekeeper
+astir here these many hours yet; I question,' added she, 'they get up
+to-day.'
+
+'What! they've been put to bed too, have they?' asked he.
+
+'W-h-y no--not zactly that,' drawled the woman; 'but when sarvants are kept
+up three nights out of four, they must make up for lost time when they
+can.'
+
+'Well,' mused Mr. Sponge, 'this is a bother, at all events; get no
+breakfast, lose my hunt, and perhaps a billet into the bargain. Well,
+there's sixpence for you, my good woman,' said he at length, drawing his
+hand out of his pocket and handing her the contents through the window;
+adding, 'don't make a beast of yourself with it.'
+
+'It's nabbut _fourpence_,' observed the woman, holding it out on the palm
+of her hand.
+
+'Ah, well, you're welcome to it whatever it is,' replied our friend,
+turning his horse to go away. A thought then struck him. 'Could you get me
+a pen and ink, think you?' asked he; 'I want to write a line to Sir Harry.'
+
+'Pen and ink!' replied the woman, who had pocketed the groat and resumed
+her dusting; 'I don't know where they keep no such things as penses and
+inkses.'
+
+'Most likely in the drawing-room or the sitting-room, or perhaps in the
+butler's pantry,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well, you can come in and see,' replied the woman, thinking there was no
+occasion to give herself any more trouble for the fourpenny-piece.
+
+Our worthy friend sat on his horse a few seconds staring intently into the
+dining-room window, thinking that lapse of time might cause the
+fourpenny-piece to be sufficiently respected to procure him something like
+directions how to proceed as well to get rid of his horse, as to procure
+access to the house, the door of which stood frowningly shut. In this,
+however, he was mistaken, for no sooner had the woman uttered the words,
+'Well, you can come in and see,' than she flaunted into the interior of the
+room, and commenced a regular series of assaults upon the furniture,
+throwing the hearth-rug over one chair back, depositing the fire-irons in
+another, rearing the steel fender up against the Carrara marble
+chimney-piece, and knocking things about in the independent way that
+servants treat unoffending furniture, when master and mistress are
+comfortably esconced in bed. 'Flop' went the duster again; 'bang' went the
+furniture; 'knock' this chair went against that, and she seemed bent upon
+putting all things into that happy state of sixes and sevens that
+characterizes a sale of household furniture, when chairs mount tables, and
+the whole system of domestic economy is revolutionized. Seeing that he was
+not going to get anything more for his money, our friend at length turned
+his horse and found his way to the stables by the unerring drag of
+carriage-wheels. All things there being as matters were in the house, he
+put the redoubtable nag into a stall, and helped him to a liberal measure
+of oats out of the well-stored unlocked corn-bin. He then sought the back
+of the house by the worn flagged-way that connected it with the stables.
+The back yard was in the admired confusion that might be expected from the
+woman's account. Empty casks and hampers were piled and stowed away in all
+directions, while regiments of champagne and other bottles stood and lay
+about among blacking bottles, Seltzer-water bottles, boot-trees,
+bath-bricks, old brushes, and stumpt-up besoms. Several pair of dirty
+top-boots, most of them with the spurs on, were chucked into the shoe-house
+just as they had been taken off. The kitchen, into which our friend now
+entered, was in the same disorderly state. Numerous copper pans stood
+simmering on the charcoal stoves, and the jointless jack still revolved on
+the spit. A dirty slip-shod girl sat sleeping, with her apron thrown over
+her head, which rested on the end of a table. The open door of the
+servants' hall hard by disclosed a pile of dress and other clothes, which,
+after mopping up the ale and other slops, would be carefully folded and
+taken back to the rooms of their respective owners.
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF NONSUCH HOUSE]
+
+'Halloo!' cried Mr. Sponge, shaking the sleeping girl by the shoulder,
+which caused her to start up, stare, and rub her eyes in wild affright.
+'Halloo!' repeated he, 'what's happened you?'
+
+'Oh, beg pardon, sir!' exclaimed she; 'beg pardon,' continued she, clasping
+her hands; 'I'll never do so again, sir; no, sir, I'll never do so again,
+indeed I won't.'
+
+She had just stolen a shape of blanc-mange, and thought she was caught.
+
+'Then show me where I'll find pen and ink and paper,' replied our friend.
+
+'Oh, sir, I don't know nothin' about them,' replied the girl; 'indeed, sir,
+I don't'; thinking it was some other petty larceny he was inquiring about.
+
+'Well, but you can tell me where to find a sheet of paper, surely?'
+rejoined he.
+
+'Oh, indeed, sir, I can't,' replied she; 'I know nothin' about nothin' of
+the sort.' Servants never do.
+
+'What sort?' asked Mr. Sponge, wondering at her vehemence.
+
+'Well, sir, about what you said,' sobbed the girl, applying the corner of
+her dirty apron to her eyes.
+
+'Hang it, the girl's mad,' rejoined our friend, brushing by, and making for
+the passage beyond. This brought him past the still-room, the steward's
+room, the housekeeper's room, and the butler's pantry. All were in most
+glorious confusion; in the latter, Captain Cutitfat's lacquer-toed,
+lavender-coloured dress-boots were reposing in the silver soup tureen, and
+Captain Bouncey's varnished pumps were stuffed into a wine-cooler. The last
+detachment of empty bottles stood or lay about the floor, commingling with
+boot-jacks, knife-trays, bath-bricks, coat-brushes, candle-end boxes,
+plates, lanterns, lamp-glasses, oil bottles, corkscrews,
+wine-strainers--the usual miscellaneous appendages of a butler's pantry.
+All was still and quiet; not a sound, save the loud ticking of a timepiece,
+or the occasional creak of a jarring door, disturbed the solemn silence of
+the house. A nimble-handed mugger or tramp might have carried off whatever
+he liked.
+
+Passing onward, Mr. Sponge came to a red-baized, brass-nailed door, which,
+opening freely on a patent spring, revealed the fine proportions of a light
+picture-gallery with which the bright mahogany doors of the entertaining
+rooms communicated. Opening the first door he came to, our friend found
+himself in the elegant drawing-room, on whose round bird's-eye-maple table,
+in the centre, were huddled all the unequal-lengthed candles of the
+previous night's illumination. It was a handsome apartment, fitted up in
+the most costly style; with rose-colour brocaded satin damask, the curtains
+trimmed with silk tassel fringe, and ornamented with massive bullion
+tassels on cornices, Cupids supporting wreaths under an arch, with open
+carved-work and enrichments in burnished gold. The room, save the muster of
+the candles, was just as it had been left; and the richly gilt sofa still
+retained the indentations of the sitters, with the luxurious down pillows,
+left as they had been supporting their backs.
+
+The room reeked of tobacco, and the ends and ashes of cigars dotted the
+tables and white marble chimney-piece, and the gilt slabs and the finely
+flowered Tournay carpet, just as the fires of gipsies dot and disfigure the
+fair face of a country. Costly china and nick-nacks of all sorts were
+scattered about in profusion. Altogether, it was a beautiful room.
+
+'No want of money here,' said Mr. Sponge to himself, as he eyed it, and
+thought what havoc Gustavus James would make among the ornaments if he had
+a chance.
+
+He then looked about for pen, ink, and paper. These were distributed so
+wide apart as to show the little request they were in. Having at length
+succeeded in getting what he wanted gathered together, Mr. Sponge sat down
+on the luxurious sofa, considering how he should address his host, as he
+hoped. Mr. Sponge was not a shy man, but, considering the circumstances
+under which he made Sir Harry Scattercash's acquaintance, together with his
+design upon his hospitality--above all, considering the crew by whom Sir
+Harry was surrounded--it required some little tact to pave the way without
+raising the present inmates of the house against him. There are no people
+so anxious to protect others from robbery as those who are robbing them
+themselves. Mr. Sponge thought, and thought, and thought. At last he
+resolved to write on the subject of the hounds. After sundry attempts on
+pink, blue, and green-tinted paper, he at last succeeded in hitting off the
+following, on yellow:
+
+    'NONSUCH HOUSE.
+
+    'DEAR SIR HARRY,--I rode over this morning, hearing you
+    were to hunt, and am sorry to find you indisposed. I wish you
+    would drop me a line to Mr. Crowdey's, Puddingpote Bower, saying
+    when next you go out, as I should much like to have another look
+    at your splendid pack before I leave this country, which I fear
+    will have to be soon.--Yours in haste,
+
+    'H. SPONGE.
+
+    'P.S.--I hope you all got safe home the other night from Mr.
+    Peastraw's.'
+
+Having put this into a richly gilt and embossed envelope, our friend
+directed it conspicuously to Sir Harry Scattercash, Bart., and stuck it in
+the centre of the mantelpiece. He then retraced his steps through the back
+regions, informing the sleeping beauty he had before disturbed, and who was
+now busy scouring a pan, that he had left a letter in the drawing-room for
+Sir Harry, and if she would see that he got it, he (Mr. Sponge) would
+remember her the next time he came, which he inwardly hoped would be soon.
+He then made for the stable, and got his horse, to go home, sauntering more
+leisurely along than one would expect of a man who had not got his
+breakfast, especially one riding a hack hunter.
+
+The truth was, Mr. Sponge did not much like the aspect of affairs. Sir
+Harry's was evidently a desperately 'fast' house; added to which, the
+guests by whom he was surrounded were clearly of the wide-awake order, who
+could not spare any pickings for a stranger. Indeed, Mr. Sponge felt that
+they rather cold-shouldered him at Farmer Peastraw's, and were in a greater
+hurry to be off when the drag came, than the mere difference between inside
+and outside seats required. He much questioned whether he got into Sir
+Harry's at all. If it came to a vote, he thought he should not. Then, what
+was he to do? Old Jog was clearly tired of him; and he had nowhere else to
+go to. The thought made him stick spurs into the chestnut, and hurry home
+to Puddingpote Bower, where he endeavoured to soothe his host by more than
+insinuating that he was going on a visit to Nonsuch House. Jog inwardly
+prayed that he might.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVII
+
+THE DEBATE
+
+
+It was just as Mr. Sponge predicted with regard to his admission to Nonsuch
+House. The first person who spied his note to Sir Harry Scattercash was
+Captain Seedeybuck, who, going into the drawing-room, the day after Mr.
+Sponge's visit, to look for the top of his cigar-case, saw it occupying the
+centre of the mantelpiece. Having mastered its contents, the Captain
+refolded and placed it where he found it, with the simple observation to
+himself of--'That cock won't fight.'
+
+Captain Quod saw it next, then Captain Bouncey, who told Captain Cutitfat
+what was in it, who agreed with Bouncey that it wouldn't do to have Mr.
+Sponge there.
+
+Indeed, it seemed agreed on all hands that their party rather wanted
+weeding than increasing.
+
+Thus, in due time, everybody in the house knew the contents of the note
+save Sir Harry, though none of them thought it worth while telling him of
+it. On the third morning, however, as the party were assembling for
+breakfast, he came into the room reading it.
+
+'This (hiccup) note ought to have been delivered before,' observed he,
+holding it up.
+
+'Indeed, my dear,' replied Lady Scattercash, who was sitting gloriously
+fine and very beautiful at the head of the table, 'I don't know anything
+about it.'
+
+'Who is it from?' asked brother Bob Spangles.
+
+'Mr. (hiccup) Sponge,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+'What a name!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'Who is he?' asked Captain Quod.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry; 'he writes to (hiccup) about the hounds.'
+'Oh, it'll be that brown-booted buffer,' observed Captain Bouncey, 'that
+we left at old Peastraw's.'
+
+'No doubt,' assented Captain Cutitfat, adding, 'what business has he with
+the hounds?'
+
+'He wants to know when we are going to (hiccup) again,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'Does he?' replied Captain Seedeybuck. 'That, I suppose, will depend upon
+Watchorn.'
+
+The party now got settled to breakfast, and as soon as the first burst of
+appetite was appeased, the conversation again turned upon our friend Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'Who _is_ this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Bouncey, the billiard-marker,
+with the air of a thorough exclusive.
+
+Nobody answered.
+
+'Who's your friend?' asked he of Sir Harry direct.
+
+'Don't know,' replied Sir Harry, from between the mouthfuls of a highly
+cayenned grill.
+
+'P'raps a bolting betting-office keeper,' suggested Captain Ladofwax, who
+hated Captain Bouncey.
+
+'He looks more like a glazier, I think,' retorted Captain Bouncey, with a
+look of defiance at the speaker.
+
+'Lucky if he is one,' retorted Captain Ladofwax, reddening up to the eyes;
+'he may have a chance of repairing somebody's daylights.' The captain
+raising his saucer, to discharge it at his opponent's head.
+
+'Gently with the cheney!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, who was too much used
+to such scenes to care about the belligerents. Bob Spangles caught
+Ladofwax's arm at the nick of time, and saved the saucer.
+
+'Hout! you (hiccup) fellows are always (hiccup)ing,' exclaimed Sir Harry.
+'I declare I'll have you both (hiccup)ed over to keep the peace.'
+
+They then broke out into wordy recrimination and abuse, each declaring that
+he wouldn't stay a day longer in the house if the other remained; but as
+they had often said so before, and still gave no symptoms of going, their
+assertion produced little effect upon anybody. Sir Harry would not have
+cared if all his guests had gone together. Peace and order being at length
+restored, the conversation again turned upon Mr. Sponge.
+
+'I suppose we must have another (hiccup) hunt soon,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'In course,' replied Bob Spangles; 'it's no use keeping the hungry brutes
+unless you work them.'
+
+'You'll have a bagman, I presume,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, who did not
+like the trouble of travelling about the country to draw for a fox.
+
+'Oh yes,' replied Sir Harry; 'Watchorn will manage all that. He's always
+(hiccup) in that line. We'd better have a hunt soon, and then, Mr. (hiccup)
+Bugles, you can see it.' Sir Harry addressing himself to a gentleman he was
+as anxious to get rid of as Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey was to get rid of Mr.
+Sponge.
+
+'No; Mr. Bugles won't go out any more,' replied Lady Scattercash
+peremptorily. 'He was nearly killed last time'; her ladyship casting an
+angry glance at her husband, and a very loving one on the object of her
+solicitude.
+
+'Oh, nought's never in danger!' observed Bob Spangles.
+
+'Then _you_ can go, Bob,' snapped his sister.
+
+'I intend,' replied Bob.
+
+'Then (hiccup), gentlemen, I think I'll just write this Mr. (hiccup)
+What's-his-name to (hiccup) over here,' observed Sir Harry, 'and then he'll
+be ready for the (hiccup) hunt whenever we choose to (hiccup) one.'
+
+The proposition fell still-born among the party.
+
+'Don't you think we can do without him?' at last suggested Captain
+Seedeybuck.
+
+'_I_ think so,' observed the elder Spangles, without looking up from his
+plate.
+
+'Who is it?' asked Lady Scattercash.
+
+'The man that was here the other morning--the man in the queer
+chestnut-coloured boots,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles.
+
+'Oh, I think he's rather good-looking; I vote we have him,' replied her
+ladyship.
+
+That was rather a damper for Sir Harry; but upon reflection, he thought he
+could not be worse off with Mr. Sponge and Mr. Bugles than he was with Mr.
+Bugles alone; so, having finished a poor appetiteless breakfast, he
+repaired to what he called his 'study,' and with a feeble, shaky hand,
+scrawled an invitation to Mr. Sponge to come over to Nonsuch House, and
+take his chance of a run with his hounds. He then sealed and posted the
+letter without further to do.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVIII
+
+FACEY ROMFORD
+
+
+[Illustration: MR. FACEY ROMFORD]
+
+Four days had now elapsed since Mr. Sponge penned his overture to Sir
+Harry, and each succeeding day satisfied him more of the utter
+impossibility of holding on much longer in his then billet at Puddingpote
+Bower. Not only was Jog coarse and incessant in his hints to him to be off,
+but Jawleyford-like he had lowered the standard of entertainment so
+greatly, that if it hadn't been that Mr. Sponge had his servant and horses
+kept also, he might as well have been living at his own expense. The
+company lights were all extinguished; great, strong-smelling,
+cauliflower-headed moulds, that were always wanting snuffing, usurped the
+place of Belmont wax; napkins were withdrawn; second-hand table-cloths
+introduced; marsala did duty for sherry; and the stickjaw pudding assumed a
+consistency that was almost incompatible with articulation.
+
+In the course of this time Sponge wrote to Puffington, saying if he was
+better he would return and finish his visit; but the wary Puff sent a
+messenger off express with a note, lamenting that he was ordered to Handley
+Cross for his health, but 'pop'lar man' like, hoping that the pleasure of
+Sponge's company was only deferred for another season. Jawleyford, even
+Sponge thought hopeless; and, altogether, he was very much perplexed. He
+had made a little money certainly, with his horses; but a permanent
+investment of his elegant person, such as he had long been on the look-out
+for, seemed as far off as ever. On the afternoon of the fifth day, as he
+was taking a solitary stroll about the country, having about made up his
+mind to be off to town, just as he was crossing Jog's buttercup meadow on
+his way to the stable, a rapid bang! bang! caused him to start, and,
+looking over the hedge, he saw a brawny-looking sportsman in brown
+reloading his gun, with a brace of liver-and-white setters crouching like
+statues in the stubble.
+
+'Seek dead!' presently said the shooter, with a slight wave of his hand;
+and in an instant each dog was picking up his bird.
+
+'I'll have a word with you,' said Sponge, 'on and off-ing' the hedge, his
+beat causing the shooter to start and look as if inclined for a run; second
+thoughts said Sponge was too near, and he'd better brave it.
+
+'What sport?' asked Sponge, striding towards him.
+
+'Oh, pretty middling,' replied the shooter, a great red-headed, freckly
+faced fellow, with backward-lying whiskers, crowned in a drab rustic. 'Oh,
+pretty middling,' repeated he, not knowing whether to act on the friendly
+or defensive.
+
+'Fine day!' said Sponge, eyeing his fox-maskey whiskers and stout, muscular
+frame.
+
+'It is,' replied the shooter; adding, 'just followed my birds over the
+boundary. No 'fence, I s'pose--no 'fence.'
+
+'Oh no,' said Mr. Sponge. 'Jog, I dessay, 'll be very glad to see you.'
+
+'Oh, you'll be Mr. Sponge?' observed the stranger, jumping to a conclusion.
+
+'I am,' replied our hero; adding, 'may I ask who I have the honour of
+addressing?'
+
+'My name's Romford--Charley Romford; everybody knows me. Very glad to make
+your 'quaintance,' tendering Sponge a great, rough, heavy hand. 'I was
+goin' to call upon you,' observed the stranger, as he ceased swinging
+Sponge's arm to and fro like a pump-handle; 'I was goin' to call upon you,
+to see if you'd come over to Washingforde, and have some shootin' at me
+Oncle's--Oncle Gilroy's, at Queercove Hill.'
+
+'Most happy!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking it was the very thing he wanted.
+
+'Get a day with the harriers, too, if you like,' continued the shooter,
+increasing the temptation.
+
+'Better still!' thought Sponge.
+
+'I've only bachelor 'commodation to offer you; but p'raps you'll not mind
+roughing it a bit?' observed Romford.
+
+'Oh, faith, not I!' replied Sponge, thinking of the luxuries of
+Puffington's bachelor habitation. 'What sort of stables have you?' asked
+our friend.
+
+'Capital stables--excellent stables!' replied the shooter; 'stalls six feet
+in the clear, by twelve dip (deep), iron racks, oak stall-posts covered
+with zinc, beautiful oats, capital beans, splendacious hay--won without a
+shower!'
+
+'Bravo!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking he had lit on his legs, and might snap
+his fingers at Jog and his hints. He'd take the high hand, and give Jog up.
+
+'I'm your man!' said Sponge, in high glee.
+
+'When will you come?' asked Romford.
+
+'To-morrow!' replied Sponge firmly.
+
+'So be it,' rejoined his proffered host; and, with another hearty swing of
+the arm, the newly made friends parted.
+
+Charley Romford, or Facey, as he was commonly called, from his being the
+admitted most impudent man in the country, was a great, round-faced,
+coarse-featured, prize-fighting sort of fellow, who lived chiefly by his
+wits, which he exercised in all the legitimate lines of industry--poaching,
+betting, boxing, horse-dealing, cards, quoits--anything that came
+uppermost. That he was a man of enterprise, we need hardly add, when he had
+formed a scheme for doing our Sponge--a man that we do not think any of our
+readers would trouble themselves to try a 'plant' upon.
+
+This impudent Facey, as if in contradiction of terms, was originally
+intended for a civil engineer; but having early in life voted himself heir
+to his uncle, Mr. Gilroy, of Queercove Hill, a great cattle-jobber, with a
+'small independence of his own'--three hundred a year, perhaps, which a
+kind world called six--Facey thought he would just hang about until his
+uncle was done with his shoes, and then be lord of Queercove Hill.
+
+Now, 'me Oncle Gilroy,' of whom Facey was constantly talking, had a
+left-handed wife and promising family in the sylvan retirement of St.
+John's Wood, whither he used to retire after his business in 'Smi'fiel''
+was over; so that Facey, for once, was out in his calculations. Gilroy,
+however, being as knowing as 'his nevvey,' as he called him, just
+encouraged Facey in his shooting, fishing, and idle propensities generally,
+doubtless finding it more convenient to have his fish and game for nothing
+than to pay for them.
+
+Facey, having the apparently inexhaustible sum of a thousand pounds, began
+life as a fox-hunter--in a very small way, to be sure--more for the purpose
+of selling horses than anything else; but, having succeeded in 'doing' all
+the do-able gentlemen, both with the 'Tip and Go' and Cranerfield hounds,
+his occupation was gone, it requiring an extended field--such as our friend
+Sponge roamed--to carry on cheating in horses for any length of time. Facey
+was soon blown, his name in connexion with a horse being enough to prevent
+any one looking at him. Indeed, we question that there is any less
+desirable mode of making, or trying to make money, than by cheating or even
+dealing in horses. Many people fancy themselves cheated, whatever they get;
+while the man who is really cheated never forgets it, and proclaims it to
+the end of time. Moreover, no one can go on cheating in horses for any
+length of time, without putting himself in the power of his groom; and let
+those who have seen how servants lord it over each other say how they would
+like to subject themselves to similar treatment.--But to our story.
+
+Facey Romford had now a splendid milk-white horse, well-known in Mr.
+Nobbington's and Lord Leader's hunts as Mr. Hobler, but who Facey kindly
+rechristened the 'Nonpareil,' which the now rising price of oats, and
+falling state of his finances, made him particularly anxious to get rid of,
+ere the horse performed the equestrian feat of 'eating its head off.' He
+was a very hunter-like looking horse, but his misfortune consisted in
+having such shocking seedy toes, that he couldn't keep his shoes on. If he
+got through the first field with them on, they were sure to be off at the
+fence. This horse Facey voted to be the very thing for Mr. Sponge, and
+hearing that he had come into the country to hunt, it occurred to him that
+it would be a capital thing if he could get him to take Mother Overend's
+spare bed and lodge with him, twelve shillings a week being more than Facey
+liked paying for his rooms. Not that he paid twelve shillings for the rooms
+alone; on the contrary, he had a two-stalled stable, with a sort of kennel
+for his pointers, and a sty for his pig into the bargain. This pig, which
+was eaten many times in anticipation, had at length fallen a victim to the
+butcher, and Facey's larder was uncommonly well found in black-puddings,
+sausages, spare ribs, and the other component parts of a pig: so that he
+was in very hospitable circumstances--at least, in his rough and ready idea
+of what hospitality ought to be. Indeed, whether he had or not, he'd have
+risked it, being quite as good at carrying things off with a high hand as
+Mr. Sponge himself.
+
+The invitation came most opportunely; for, worn out with jealousy and
+watching, Jog had made up his mind to cut to Australia, and when Sponge
+returned after meeting Facey, Jog was in the act of combing out an
+advertisement, offering all that desirable sporting residence called
+Puddingpote Bower, with the coach-house, stables, and offices thereunto
+belonging, to let, and announcing that the whole of the valuable household
+furniture, comprising mahogany, dining, loo, card, and Pembroke tables;
+sofa, couch, and chairs in hair seating; cheffonier, with plate glass;
+book-case; flower-stands; pianoforte, by Collard and Collard; music-stool
+and Canterbury; chimney and pier-glasses; mirror; ormolu time-piece;
+alabaster and wax figures and shades; china; Brussels carpets and rugs;
+fenders and fire-irons; curtains and cornices; Venetian blinds; mahogany
+four-post, French, and camp bedsteads; feather beds; hair mattresses;
+mahogany chests of drawers; dressing-glasses; wash and dressing-tables;
+patent shower-bath; bed and table-linen; dinner and tea-ware;
+warming-pans, &c., would be exposed to immediate and unreserved sale.
+
+How gratefully Sponge's inquiry if he knew Mr. Romford fell on his ear, as
+they sat moodily together after dinner over some very low-priced port.
+
+'Oh yes (puff)--oh yes (wheeze)--oh yes (gasp)! Know Charley
+Romford--Facey, as they call him. He's (puff, wheeze, gasp) heir to old Mr.
+Gilroy, of Queercove Hill.'
+
+'Just so,' rejoined Sponge, 'just so; that's the man--stout, square-built
+fellow, with backward-growing whiskers. I'm going to stay with him to shoot
+at old Gil's. Where does Charley live?'
+
+'Live!' exclaimed Jog, almost choked with delight at the information;
+'live! live!' repeated he, for the third time; 'lives at (puff, wheeze,
+gasp, cough) Washingforde--yes, at Washingforde; 'bout ten miles from
+(puff, wheeze) here. When d'ye go?'
+
+'To-morrow,' replied Sponge, with an air of offended dignity.
+
+Jog was so rejoiced that he could hardly sit on his chair.
+
+Mrs. Jog, when she heard it, felt that Gustavus James's chance of
+independence was gone; for well she knew that Jog would never let Sponge
+come back to the Bower.
+
+We need scarcely say that Jog was up betimes in the morning, most anxious
+to forward Mr. Sponge's departure. He offered to allow Bartholomew to
+convey him and his 'traps' in the phaeton--an offer that Mr. Sponge availed
+himself of as far as his 'traps' were concerned, though he preferred
+cantering over on his piebald to trailing along in Jog's jingling chay. So
+matters were arranged, and Mr. Sponge forthwith proceeded to put his brown
+boots, his substantial cords, his superfine tights, his cuttey scarlet, his
+dress blue saxony, his clean linen, his heavy spurs, and though last, not
+least in importance, his now backless _Mogg_, into his solid leather
+portmanteau, sweeping the surplus of his wardrobe into a capacious
+carpet-bag. While the guest was thus busy upstairs, the host wandered about
+restlessly, now stirring up this person, now hurrying that, in the full
+enjoyment of the much-coveted departure. His pleasure was, perhaps, rather
+damped by a running commentary he overheard through the lattice-window of
+the stable, from Leather, as he stripped his horses and tried to roll up
+their clothing in a moderate compass.
+
+''Ord rot your great carcass!' exclaimed he, giving the roll a hearty kick
+in its bulging-out stomach, on finding that he had not got it as small as
+he wanted. ''Ord rot your great carcass,' repeated he, scratching his head
+and eyeing it as it lay; 'this is all the consequence of your nasty
+brewers' hapron weshins--blowin' of one out, like a bladder!' and,
+thereupon, he placed his hand on his stomach to feel how his own was.
+'Never see'd sich a house, or sich an awful mean man!' continued he,
+stooping and pommelling the package with his fists. It was of no use, he
+could not get it as small as he wished--'Must have my jacket out on you, I
+do believe,' added he, seeing where the impediment was; 'sticks in your
+gizzard just like a lump of old Puff-and-blow's puddin''; and then he
+thrust his hand into the folds of the clothing, and pulled out the greasy
+garment. 'Now,' said he, stooping again, 'I think we may manish ye'; and he
+took the roll in his arms and hoisted it on to Hercules, whom he meant to
+make the led horse, observing aloud, as he adjusted it on the saddle, and
+whacked it well with his hands to make it lie right, 'I wish it was old
+Jog--wouldn't I sarve him out!' He then turned his horses round in their
+stalls, tucked his greasy jacket under the flap of the saddle-bags, took
+his ash-stick from the crook, and led them out of the capacious door. Jog
+looked at him with mingled feelings of disgust and delight. Leather just
+gave his old hat flipe a rap with his forefinger as he passed with the
+horses--a salute that Jog did not condescend to return.
+
+Having eyed the receding horses with great satisfaction, Jog re-entered the
+house by the kitchens, to have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Sponge off. He
+found the portmanteau and carpet-bag standing in the passage, and just at
+the moment the sound of the phaeton wheels fell on his ear, as Bartholomew
+drove round from the coach-house to the door. Mr. Sponge was already in
+the parlour, making his adieus to Mrs. Jog and the children, who were all
+assembled for the purpose.
+
+'What, are you goin'?' (puff) asked Jog, with an air of surprise.
+
+'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge; adding, as he tendered his hand, 'the best
+friends must part, you know.'
+
+'Well (puff), but you'd better have your (wheeze) horse round,' observed
+Jog, anxious to avoid any overture for a return.
+
+'Thankee,' replied Mr. Sponge, making a parting bow; 'I'll get him at the
+stable.'
+
+'I'll go with you,' said Jog, leading the way.
+
+Leather had saddled, and bridled, and turned him round in the stall, with
+one of Mr. Jog's blanket-rugs on, which Mr. Sponge just swept over his tail
+into the manger, and led the horse out.
+
+'Adieu!' said he, offering his hand to his host.
+
+'Good-bye!--good (puff) sport to you,' said Jog, shaking it heartily.
+
+Mr. Sponge then mounted his hack, and cocking out his toe, rode off at a
+canter.
+
+At the same moment, Bartholomew drove away from the front door; and Jog,
+having stood watching the phaeton over the rise of Pennypound Hill, scraped
+his feet, re-entered his house, and rubbing them heartily on the mat as he
+closed the sash-door, observed aloud to himself, with a jerk of his head:
+
+'Well, now, that's the most (puff) impittent feller I ever saw in my life!
+Catch me (gasp) godpapa-hunting again.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIX
+
+THE ADJOURNED DEBATE
+
+
+The fatal invitation to Mr. Sponge having been sent, the question that now
+occupied the minds of the assembled sharpers at Nonsuch House, was, whether
+he was a pigeon or one of themselves. That point occupied their very deep
+and serious consideration. If he was a 'pigeon,' they could clearly
+accommodate him, but if, on the other hand, he was one of themselves, it
+was painfully apparent that there were far too many of them there already.
+Of course, the subject was not discussed in full and open conclave--they
+were all highly honourable men in the gross--and it was only in the small
+and secret groups of those accustomed to hunt together and unburden their
+minds, that the real truth was elicited.
+
+'What an ass Sir Harry is, to ask this Mr. Sponge,' observed Captain Quod
+to Captain Seedeybuck, as (cigar in mouth) they paced backwards and
+forwards under the flagged veranda on the west side of the house, on the
+morning that Sir Harry had announced his intention of asking him.
+
+'Confounded ass,' assented Seedeybuck, from between the whiffs of his
+cigar.
+
+'Dash it! one would think he had more money than he knew what to do with,'
+observed the first speaker, 'instead of not knowing where to lay hands on a
+halfpenny.'
+
+'Soon be who-hoop,' here observed Quod, with a shake of the head.
+
+'Fear so,' replied Seedeybuck. 'Have you heard anything fresh?'
+
+'Nothing particular. The County Court bailiff was here with some summonses,
+which, of course, he put in the fire.'
+
+'Ah! that's what he always does. He got tired of papering the smoking-room
+with them,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, it's a pity,' observed Quod, spitting as he spoke; 'but what can you
+expect, eaten up as he is by such a set of rubbish.'
+
+'Shockin',' replied Seedeybuck, thinking how long he and his friend might
+have fattened there together.
+
+'Do you know anything of this Mr. Sponge?' asked Captain Quod, after a
+pause.
+
+'Nothin',' replied Seedeybuck, 'except what we saw of him here; but I'm
+sure he won't do.'
+
+'Well, I think not either,' replied Quod; 'I didn't like his looks--he
+seems quite one of the free-and-easy sort.'
+
+'Quite,' observed Seedeybuck, determined to make a set against him, instead
+of cultivating his acquaintance.
+
+'This Mr. Sponge won't be any great addition to our party, I think,'
+muttered Captain Bouncey to Captain Cutitfat, as they stood within the bay
+of the library window, in apparent contemplation of the cows, but in
+reality conning the Sponge matter over in their minds.
+
+'I think not,' replied Captain Cutitfat, with an emphasis.
+
+'Wonder what made Sir Harry ask him!' whispered Bouncey, adding, aloud, for
+the bystanders to hear, 'That's a fine cow, isn't it?'
+
+'Very,' replied Cutitfat, in the same key, adding, in a whisper, with a
+shrug of his shoulders, 'Wonder what made him ask half the people that are
+here!'
+
+'The black and white one isn't a bad un,' observed Bouncey, nodding his
+head towards the cows, adding in an undertone, 'Most of them asked
+themselves, I should think.'
+
+'Admiring the cows. Captain Bouncey?' asked the beautiful and tolerably
+virtuous Miss Glitters, of the Astley's Royal Amphitheatre, who had come
+down to spend a few days with her old friend, Lady Scattercash. 'Admiring
+the cows, Captain Bouncey?' asked she, sidling her elegant figure between
+our friends in the bay.
+
+'We were just saying how nice it would be to have two or three pretty
+girls, and a sillabub, under those cedars,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Oh, charming!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, her dark eyes sparkling as she
+spoke. 'Harriet!' exclaimed she, addressing herself to a young lady, who
+called herself Howard, but whose real name was Brown--Jane
+Brown--'Harriet!' exclaimed she, 'Captain Bouncey is going to give a _fete
+champetre_ under those lovely cedars.'
+
+'Oh, how nice!' exclaimed Harriet, clapping her hands in
+ecstasies--theatrical ecstasies at least.
+
+'It must be Sir Harry,' replied the billiard-table man, not fancying being
+'let in' for anything.
+
+'Oh! Sir Harry will let us have anything we like, I'm sure,' rejoined Miss
+Glitters.
+
+
+'What is it (hiccup)?' asked Sir Harry, who, hearing his name, now joined
+the party.
+
+'Oh, we want you to give us a dance under those charming cedars,' replied
+the lady, looking lovingly at him.
+
+'Cedars!' hiccuped Sir Harry, 'where do you see any cedars?'
+
+'Why there,' replied Miss Glitters, nodding towards a clump of evergreens.
+
+'Those are (hiccup) hollies,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Well, under the hollies,' rejoined Miss Glitters; adding, 'it was Captain
+Bouncey who said they were cedars.'
+
+'Ah, I meant those beyond,' observed the captain, nodding in another
+direction.
+
+'Those are (hiccup) Scotch firs,' rejoined Sir Harry.
+
+'Well, never mind what they are,' resumed the lady; 'let us have a dance
+under them.'
+
+'Certainly,' replied Sir Harry, who was always ready for anything. 'We
+shall have plenty of partners,' observed Miss Howard, recollecting how many
+men there were in the house.
+
+'And another coming,' observed Captain Cutitfat, still fretting at the
+idea.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Miss Howard, raising her hands and eyebrows in delight;
+'and who is he?' asked she, with unfeigned glee.
+
+'Oh such a (hiccup) swell,' replied Sir Harry; 'reg'lar Leicestershire man.
+A (hiccup) Quornite, in fact.'
+
+'We'll not have the dance till he comes, then,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'No more we will,' said Miss Howard, withdrawing from the group.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LX
+
+FACEY ROMFORD AT HOME
+
+
+We will now suppose our distinguished Sponge entering the village, or what
+the natives call the town of Washingforde, towards the close of a short
+December day, on his arrival from Mr. Jog's.
+
+'What sort of stables are there?' asked he, reining up his hack, as he
+encountered the brandy-nosed Leather airing himself on the main street.
+
+'Stables be good enough--forage, too,' replied the stud groom--'_per_-wided
+you likes the sittivation.'
+
+'Oh, the sittivation 'll be good enough,' retorted Sponge, thinking that,
+groom-like, Leather was grumbling because he hadn't got the best stables.
+
+'Well, sir, as you please,' replied the man.
+
+'Why, where are they?' asked Sponge, seeing there was more in Leather's
+manner than met the eye.
+
+'_Rose and Crown!_' replied Leather, with an emphasis.
+
+'Rose and Crown!' exclaimed Sponge, starting in his saddle; 'Rose and
+Crown! Why, I'm going to stay with Mr. Romford!'
+
+'So he said.' replied Leather; 'so he said. I met him as I com'd in with
+the osses, and said he to me, said he, "You'll find captle quarters at the
+Crown!"' 'The deuce!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, dropping the reins on his
+hack's neck; 'the deuce!' repeated he with a look of disgust. 'Why, where
+does he live?'
+
+''Bove the saddler's, thonder,' replied Leather, nodding to a small
+bow-windowed white house a little lower down, with the gilt-lettered words:
+
+    OVEREND,
+    SADDLER AND HARNESS-MAKER TO THE QUEEN,
+
+above a very meagrely stocked shop.
+
+'The devil!' replied Mr. Sponge, boiling up as he eyed the cottage-like
+dimensions of the place.
+
+The dialogue was interrupted by a sledge-hammer-like blow on Sponge's back,
+followed by such a proffered hand as could proceed from none but his host.
+
+'Glad to see ye!' exclaimed Facey, swinging Sponge's arm to and fro. 'Get
+off!' continued he, half dragging him down, 'and let's go in; for it's
+beastly cold, and dinner'll be ready in no time!'
+
+So saying, he led the captive Sponge down street, like a prisoner, by the
+arm, and, opening the thin house-door, pushed him up a very straight
+staircase into a little low cabin-like room, hung with boxing-gloves,
+foils, and pictures of fighters and ballet girls.
+
+'Glad to see ye!' again said Facey, poking the diminutive fire. 'Axed Nosey
+Nickel and Gutty Weazel to meet you,' continued he, looking at the little
+'dinner-for-two' table; 'but Nosey's gone wrong in a tooth, and Gutty's
+away sweetheartin'. However, we'll be very cosy and jolly together; and if
+you want to wash your hands, or anything afore dinner, I'll show you your
+bedroom,' continued he, backing Sponge across the staircase landing to
+where a couple of little black doors opened into rooms, formed by dividing
+what had been the duplicate of the sitting-room into two.
+
+'There!' exclaimed Facey, pointing to Sponge's portmanteau and bag,
+standing midway between the window and door: 'There! there are your traps.
+Yonder's the washhand-stand. You can put your shavin'-things on the chair
+below the lookin'-glass 'gainst the wall,' pointing to a fragment of glass
+nailed against the stencilled wall, all of which Sponge stood eyeing with
+a mingled air of resignation and contempt; but when Facey pointed to:
+
+    'The chest, contrived a double debt to pay--
+    A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day'
+
+and said that was where Sponge would have to curl himself up, our friend
+shook his head, and declared he could not.
+
+'Oh, fiddle!' replied Facey, 'Jack Weatherley slept in it for months, and
+he's half a hand higher than you--sixteen hands, if he's an inch.' And
+Sponge jerked his head and bit his lips, thinking he was 'done' for once.
+
+'W-h-o-y, ar thought you'd been a fox-hunter,' observed Facey, seeing his
+guest's disconcerted look.
+
+'Well, but bein' a fox-hunter won't enable one to sleep in a band-box, or
+to shut one's-self up like a telescope,' retorted the indignant Sponge.
+
+''Ord hang it, man! you're so nasty partickler,' rejoined Facey; 'you're so
+nasty partickler. You'll never do to go out duck-shootin' i' your shirt.
+Dash it, man! Oncle Gilroy would disinherit me if ar was such a chap.
+However, look sharp,' continued he, 'if you are goin' to clean yourself;
+for dinner 'll be ready in no time, indeed, I hear Mrs. End dishin' it up.'
+So saying, Facey rolled out of the room, and Sponge presently heard him
+pulling off his clogs of shoes in the adjoining one. Dinner spoke for
+itself, for the house reeked with the smell of fried onions and roast pork.
+
+Now, Sponge didn't like pork; and there was nothing but pork, or pig in one
+shape or another. Spare ribs, liver and bacon, sausages, black puddings,
+&c.--all very good in their way, but which came with a bad grace after the
+comforts of Jog's, the elegance of Puffington's, and the early splendour of
+Jawleyford's. Our hero was a good deal put out, and felt as if he was
+imposed upon. What business had a man like this to ask him to stay with
+him--a man who dined by daylight, and ladled his meat with a great
+two-pronged fork?
+
+Facey, though he saw Mr. Sponge wasn't pleased, praised and pressed
+everything in succession down to a very strong cheese; and as the
+slip-shod girl whisked away crumbs and all in the coarse tablecloth, he
+exclaimed in a most open-hearted air, 'Well, now, what shall we have to
+drink?' adding, 'You smoke, of course--shall it be gin, rum, or
+Hollands--Hollands, rum, or gin?'
+
+Sponge was half inclined to propose wine, but recollecting what sloe-juice
+sort of stuff it was sure to be, and that Facey, in all probability, would
+make him finish it, he just replied, 'Oh, I don't care; 'spose we say gin?'
+
+'Gin be it,' said Facey, rising from his seat, and making for a little
+closet in the wall, he produced a bottle labelled 'Fine London Spirit';
+and, hallooing to the girl to get a few 'Captins' out of the box under his
+bed, he scattered a lot of glasses about the table, and placed a green
+dessert-dish for the biscuits against they came.
+
+Night had now closed in--a keen, boisterous, wintry night, making the
+pocketful of coals that ornamented the grate peculiarly acceptable.
+
+'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' exclaimed Facey, as a blash of sleet dashed
+across the window as if some one had thrown a handful of pebbles against
+it. 'B-o-y Jove, what a night!' repeated he, rising and closing the
+shutters, and letting down the little scanty red curtain. 'Let us draw in
+and have a hot brew,' continued he, stirring the fire under the kettle, and
+handing a lot of cigars out of the table-drawer. They then sat smoking and
+sipping, and smoking and sipping, each making a mental estimate of the
+other.
+
+'Shall we have a game at cards? or what shall we do to pass the evenin'?'
+at length asked our host. 'Better have a game at cards, p'raps,' continued
+he.
+
+'Thank'ee, no; thank'ee, no. I've a book in my pocket,' replied Sponge,
+diving into his jacket-pocket; adding, as he fished up his _Mogg_, 'always
+carry a book of light reading about with me.'
+
+'What, you're a literary cove, are you?' asked Facey, in a tone of
+surprise.
+
+'Not exactly that,' replied Sponge; 'but I like to improve my mind.' He
+then opened the valuable work, taking a dip into the Omnibus
+Guide--'Brentford, 7 from Hyde Park Corner--European Coffee House, near
+the Bank, daily,' and so worked his way on through the 'Brighton Railway
+Station, Brixton, Bromley both in Kent and Middlesex, Bushey Heath,
+Camberwell, Camden Town, and Carshalton,' right into Cheam, when Facey, who
+had been eyeing him intently, not at all relishing his style of proceeding
+and wishing to be doing, suddenly exclaimed, as he darted up:
+
+[Illustration: FACEY ROMFORD TREATS SPONGE TO A LITTLE MUSIC]
+
+'B-o-y Jove! You've not heard me play the flute! No more you have. Dash it,
+how remiss!' continued he, making for the little bookshelf on which it lay;
+adding, as he blew into it and sucked the joints, 'you're musical, of
+course?'
+
+'Oh, I can stand music,' muttered Sponge, with a jerk of his head, as if a
+tune was neither here nor there with him.
+
+'By Jingo! you should see me Oncle Gilroy when a'rm playin'! The old man
+act'ly sheds tears of delight--he's so pleased.'
+
+'Indeed,' replied Sponge, now passing on into _Mogg's Cab
+Fares_--'Aldersgate Street, Hare Court, to or from Bagnigge Wells,' and so
+on, when Facey struck up the most squeaking, discordant, broken-winded
+
+    'Jump Jim Crow'
+
+that ever was heard, making the sensitive Sponge shudder, and setting all
+his teeth on edge.
+
+'Hang me, but that flute of yours wants nitre, or a dose of physic, or
+something most dreadful!' at length exclaimed he, squeezing up his face as
+if in the greatest agony, as the laboured:
+
+    'Jump about and wheel about'
+
+completely threw Sponge over in his calculation as to what he could ride
+from Aldgate Pump to the Pied Bull at Islington for.
+
+'Oh no!' replied Facey, with an air of indifference, as he took off the end
+and jerked out the steam. 'Oh no--only wants work--only wants work,' added
+he, putting it together again, exclaiming, as he looked at the now sulky
+Sponge, 'Well, what shall it be?'
+
+'Whatever you please,' replied our friend, dipping frantically into his
+_Mogg_.
+
+'Well, then, I'll play you me oncle's favourite tune, "The Merry Swiss
+Boy,"' whereupon Facey set to most vigorously with that once most popular
+air. It, however, came off as rustily as 'Jim Crow,' for whose feats Facey
+evidently had a partiality; for no sooner did he get squeaked through 'me
+oncle's' tune than he returned to the nigger melody with redoubled zeal,
+and puffed and blew Sponge's calculations as to what he could ride from
+'Mother Redcap's at Camden Town down Liquorpond Street, up Snow Hill, and
+so on, to the 'Angel' in Ratcliff Highway for, clean out of his head. Nor
+did there seem any prospect of relief, for no sooner did Facey get through
+one tune than he at the other again.
+
+'Rot it!' at length exclaimed Sponge, throwing his _Mogg_ from him in
+despair, 'you'll deafen me with that abominable noise.' 'Bless my heart!'
+exclaimed Facey, in well-feigned surprise, 'Bless my heart! Why, I thought
+you liked music, my dear feller!' adding, 'I was playin' to please you.'
+
+'The deuce you were!' snapped Mr. Sponge. 'I wish I'd known sooner: I'd
+have saved you a deal of wind.'
+
+'Why, my dear feller,' replied Facey, 'I wished to entertain you the best
+in my power. One must do somethin', you know.'
+
+'I'd rather do anything than undergo that horrid noise,' replied Sponge,
+ringing his left ear with his forefinger.
+
+'Let's have a game at cards, then,' rejoined Facey soothingly, seeing he
+had sufficiently agonized Sponge.
+
+'Cards,' replied Mr. Sponge. 'Cards,' repeated he thoughtfully, stroking
+his hairy chin. 'Cards,' added he, for the third time, as he conned Facey's
+rotund visage, and wondered if he was a sharper. If the cards were fair,
+Sponge didn't care trying his luck. It all depended upon that. 'Well,' said
+he, in a tone of indifference, as he picked up his _Mogg_, thinking he
+wouldn't pay if he lost, 'I'll give you a turn. What shall it be?'
+
+'Oh--w-h-o-y--s'pose we say _ecarte_?' replied Facey, in an off-hand sort
+of way.
+
+'Well,' drawled Sponge, pocketing his _Mogg_, preparatory to action.
+
+'You haven't a clean pack, have you?' asked Sponge, as Facey, diving into a
+drawer, produced a very dirty, thumb-marked set.
+
+'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't,' replied Facey. 'W-h-o-y, no, I haven't: but,
+honour bright, these are all right and fair. Wouldn't cheat a man, if it
+was ever so.'
+
+'Sure you wouldn't,' replied Sponge, nothing comforted by the assertion.
+
+They then resumed their seats opposite each other at the little table, with
+the hot water and sugar, and 'Fine London Spirit' bottle equitably placed
+between them.
+
+At first Mr. Sponge was the victor, and by nine o'clock had scored
+eight-and-twenty shillings against his host, when he was inclined to leave
+off, alleging that he was an early man, and would go to bed--an arrangement
+that Facey seemed to come into, only pressing Sponge to accompany the gin
+he was now helping himself to with another cigar. This seemed all fair and
+reasonable; and as Sponge conned matters over, through the benign influence
+of the ''baccy,' he really thought Facey mightn't be such a bad beggar
+after all.
+
+'Well, then,' said he, as he finished cigar and glass together, 'if you'll
+give me eight-and-twenty bob, I'll be off to Bedfordshire.'
+
+'You'll give me my revenge surely!' exclaimed Facey, in pretended
+astonishment.
+
+'To-morrow night,' replied Sponge firmly, thinking it would have to go hard
+with him if he remained there to give it.
+
+'Nay, _now_!' rejoined Facey, adding, 'it's quite early. Me Oncle Gilroy
+and I always play much later at Queercove Hill.'
+
+Sponge hesitated. If he had got the money, he would have refused
+point-blank; as it was, he thought, perhaps the only chance of getting it
+was to go on. With no small reluctance and misgivings he mixed himself
+another tumbler of gin and water, and, changing seats, resumed the game.
+Nor was our discreet friend far wrong in his calculations, for luck now
+changed, and Facey seemed to have the king quite at command. In less than
+an hour he had not only wiped off the eight-and-twenty shillings, but had
+scored three pound fifteen against his guest. Facey would now leave off.
+Sponge, on the other hand, wanted to go on. Facey, however, was firm. 'I'll
+cut you double or quits, then,' cried Sponge, in rash despair. Facey
+accommodated him and doubled the debt.
+
+'Again!' exclaimed Sponge, with desperate energy.
+
+'No! no more, thank ye,' replied Facey coolly. 'Fair play's a jewel.'
+
+'So it is,' assented Mr. Sponge, thinking he hadn't had it.
+
+'Now,' continued Facey, poking into the table-drawer and producing a dirty
+scrap of paper, with a little pocket ink-case, 'if you'll give me an
+"I.O.U.," we'll shut up shop.'
+
+'An "I.O.U.!"' retorted Sponge, looking virtuously indignant. 'An "I.O.U.!"
+I'll give you your money i' the mornin'.'
+
+'I know you will,' replied Facey coolly, putting himself in boxing
+attitude, exclaiming, as he measured out a distance, 'just feel the biceps
+muscle of my arm--do believe I could fell an ox. However, never mind,'
+continued he, seeing Sponge declined the feel. 'Life's uncertain: so you
+give me an "I.O.U." and we'll be all right and square. Short reckonin's
+make long friends, you know,' added he, pointing peremptorily to the paper.
+
+'I'd better give you a cheque at once,' retorted Sponge, looking the very
+essence of chivalry.
+
+'_Money_, if you please,' replied Facey; muttering, with a jerk of his
+head, 'don't like paper.'
+
+The renowned Sponge, for once, was posed. He had the money, but he didn't
+like to part with it. So he gave the 'I.O.U.' and, lighting a
+twelve-to-the-pound candle, sulked off to undress and crawl into the little
+impossibility of a bed.
+
+Night, however, brought no relief to our distinguished friend; for, little
+though the bed was, it was large enough to admit lodgers, and poor Sponge
+was nearly worried by the half-famished vermin, who seemed bent on making
+up for the long fast they had endured since the sixteen-hands-man left.
+Worst of all, as day dawned, the eternal 'Jim Crow' recommenced his
+saltations, varied only with the:
+
+    'Come, arouse ye, arouse ye, my merry Swiss boy'
+
+of 'me Oncle Gilroy.'
+
+'Well, dash my buttons!' groaned Sponge, as the discordant noise shot
+through his aching head, 'but this is the worst spec I ever made in my
+life. Fed on pork, fluted deaf, bit with bugs, and robbed at cards--fairly,
+downrightly robbed. Never was a more reg'ler plant put on a man. Thank
+goodness, however, I haven't paid him--never will, either. Such a
+confounded, disreputable scoundrel deserves to be punished--big, bad,
+blackguard-looking fellow! How the deuce I could ever be taken in by such a
+fellow! Believe he's nothing but a great poaching blackleg. Hasn't the
+faintest outlines of a gentleman about him--not the slightest particle--not
+the remotest glimmerin'.'
+
+These and similar reflections were interrupted by a great thump against the
+thin lath-and-plaster wall that separated their rooms, or rather closets,
+accompanied by an exclamation of:
+
+'HALLOO, OLD BOY! HOW GOES IT?'--an inquiry to which our friend
+deigned no answer.
+
+''Ord rot ye! you're awake,' muttered Facey to himself, well knowing that
+no one could sleep after such a 'Jim-Crow-ing' and 'Swiss-boy-ing' as he
+had given him. He therefore resumed his battery, thumping as though he
+would knock the partition in.
+
+'HALLOO!' at last exclaimed Mr. Sponge, 'who's there?'
+
+'Well, old Sivin-Pund-Ten, how goes it?' asked Facey, in a tone of the
+keenest irony.
+
+'You be ----!' growled Mr. Sponge, in disgust.
+
+'Breakfast in half an hour!' resumed Facey. 'Pigs'-puddin's and
+sarsingers--all 'ot--pipin' 'ot!' continued our host.
+
+'Wish you were pipin' 'ot,' growled Mr. Sponge, as he jerked himself out of
+his little berth.
+
+Though Facey pumped him pretty hard during this second pig repast, he could
+make nothing out of Sponge with regard to his movements--our friend
+parrying all his inquiries with his _Mogg_, and assurances that he could
+amuse himself. In vain Facey represented that his Oncle Gilroy would be
+expecting them; that Mr. Hobler was ready for him to ride over on; Sponge
+wasn't inclined to shoot, but begged Facey wouldn't stay at home on his
+account. The fact was, Sponge meditated a bolt, and was in close confab
+with Leather, in the Rose and Crown stables, arranging matters, when the
+sound of his name in the yard caused him to look out, when--oh, welcome
+sight!--a Puddingpote Bower messenger put Sir Harry's note in his hand,
+which had at length arrived at Jog's through their very miscellaneous
+transit, called a post. Sponge, in the joy of his heart, actually gave the
+lad a shilling! He now felt like a new man. He didn't care a rap for Facey,
+and, ordering Leather to give him the hack and follow with the hunters, he
+presently cantered out of town as sprucely as if all was on the square.
+
+When, however, Facey found how matters stood, he determined to stop
+Sponge's things, which Leather resisted; and, Facey showing fight, Leather
+butted him with his head, sending him backwards downstairs and putting his
+shoulder out. Leather than marched off with the kit, amid the honours of
+war.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXI
+
+NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 'MR. SPONGE, MY LADY']
+
+The gallant inmates of Nonsuch House had resolved themselves into a
+committee of speculation, as to whether Mr. Sponge was coming or not;
+indeed, they had been betting upon it, the odds at first being a hundred to
+one that he came, though they had fallen a point or two on the arrival of
+the post without an answer.
+
+'Well, I say Mr. What-d'ye-call-him--Sponge--doesn't come!' exclaimed
+Captain Seedeybuck, as he lay full length, with his shaggy greasy head on
+the fine rose-coloured satin sofa, and his legs cocked over the cushion.
+
+'Why not?' asked Miss Glitters, who was beguiling the twilight half-hour
+before candles with knitting.
+
+
+'Don't know,' replied Seedeybuck, twirling his moustache, 'don't know--have
+a presentiment he won't.'
+
+'Sure to come!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey, knocking the ashes off his cigar
+on to the fine Tournay carpet.
+
+'I'll lay ten to one--ten fifties to one--he does,--a thousand to ten if
+you like.' If all the purses in the house had been clubbed together, we
+don't believe they would have raised fifty pounds.
+
+'What sort of a looking man is he?' asked Miss Glitters, now counting her
+loops.
+
+'Oh--whoy--ha--hem--haw--he's just an ordinary sort of lookin' man--nothin'
+'tickler any way,' drawled Captain Seedeybuck, now wetting and twirling his
+moustache.
+
+'Two legs, a head, a back, and so on, I presume,' observed the lady.
+
+'Just so,' assented Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'He's a horsey-lookin' sort o' man, I should say,' observed Captain
+Bouncey, 'walks as if he ought to be ridin'--wears vinegar tops.'
+
+'Hate vinegar tops,' growled Seedeybuck.
+
+Just then, in came Lady Scattercash, attended by Mr. Orlando Bugles, the
+ladies' attractions having caused that distinguished performer to forfeit
+his engagement at the Surrey Theatre. Captain Cutitfat, Bob Spangles, and
+Sir Harry quickly followed, and the Sponge question was presently renewed.
+
+'Who says old brown boots comes?' exclaimed Seedeybuck from the sofa.
+
+'Who's that with his nasty nob on my fine satin sofa?' asked the lady.
+
+'Bob Spangles,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Nothing of the sort,' rejoined the lady; 'and I'll trouble you to get
+off.'
+
+'Can't--I've got a bone in my leg,' rejoined the captain.
+
+'I'll soon make you,' replied her ladyship, seizing the squab, and pulling
+it on to the floor.
+
+As the captain was scrambling up, in came Peter--one of the wageless
+footmen--with candles, which having distributed equitably about the room,
+he approached Lady Scattercash, and asked, in an independent sort of way,
+what room Mr. Soapsuds was to have.
+
+'Soapsuds!--Soapsuds!--that's not his name,' exclaimed her ladyship.
+
+'_Sponge_, you fool! Soapey Sponge,' exclaimed Cutitfat, who had ferreted
+out Sponge's _nomme de Londres_.
+
+'He's not come, has he?' asked Miss Glitters eagerly.
+
+'Yes, my lady--that's to say, miss,' replied Peter.
+
+'Come, has he!' chorused three or four voices.
+
+'Well, he must have a (hiccup) room,' observed Sir Harry. 'The green--the
+one above the billiard-room will do,' added he.
+
+'But _I_ have that, Sir Harry,' exclaimed Miss Howard.
+
+'Oh, it'll hold two well enough,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'Then _you_ can be the second,' replied Miss Howard, with a toss of her
+head.
+
+'Indeed!' sneered Miss Glitters, bridling up. 'I like that.'
+
+'Well, but where's the (hiccup) man to be put?' asked Sir Harry.
+
+'There's Ladofwax's room,' suggested her ladyship.
+
+'The captain's locked the door and taken the key with him,' replied the
+footman; 'he said he'd be back in a day or two.'
+
+'Back in a (hiccup) or two!' observed Sir Harry. 'Where is he gone?'
+
+The man smiled.
+
+'_Borrowed_,' observed Captain Quod, with an emphasis.
+
+'Indeed!' exclaimed Sir Harry, adding, 'well, I thought that was Nabbum's
+gig with the old grey.'
+
+'He'll not be back in a hurry,' observed Bouncey. 'He'll be like the
+Boulogne gents, who are always going to England, but never do.'
+
+'Poor Wax!' observed Quod; 'he's a big fool, to give him his due.'
+
+'If you give him his due it's more than he gives other people, it seems.'
+observed Miss Howard.
+
+'Oh, fie, Miss H.!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, but the (hiccup) man must have a (hiccup) bed somewhere,' observed
+Sir Harry; adding to the footman, 'you'd better (hiccup) the door open, you
+know.'
+
+'Perhaps you'd better try what one of yours will do,' observed Bob
+Spangles, to the convulsion of the company.
+
+In the midst of their mirth Mr. Bottleends was seen piloting Mr. Sponge up
+to her ladyship.
+
+'Mr. Sponge, my lady,' said he in as low and deferential a tone as if he
+got his wages punctually every quarter-day.
+
+'How do you do. Mr. Sponge?' said her ladyship, tendering him her hand with
+an elegant curtsey.
+
+'How are you, Mr. (hiccup) Sponge?' asked Sir Harry, offering his; 'I
+believe you know the (hiccup) company?' continued he, waving his hand
+around; 'Miss (hiccup) Glitters, Captain (hiccup) Quod, Captain Bouncey,
+Mr. (hiccup) Bugles, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and so on'; whereupon
+Miss Glitters curtsied, the gentlemen bobbed their heads and drew near our
+hero, who had now stationed himself before the fire.
+
+'Coldish to-night,' said he, stooping, and placing both hands to the bars.
+'Coldish,' repeated he, rubbing his hands and looking around.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'It generally is about this time of year, I think,' observed Miss Glitters,
+who was quite ready to enter for our friend.
+
+'Hope it won't stop hunting,' said Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Hope not,' replied Sir Harry; 'would be a bore if it did.'
+
+'I wonder you gentlemen don't prefer hunting in a frost,' observed Miss
+Howard; 'one would think it would be just the time you'd want a good
+warming.'
+
+'I don't agree with you, there,' replied Mr. Sponge, looking at her, and
+thinking she was not nearly so pretty as Miss Glitters.
+
+'Do you hunt to-morrow?' asked he of Sir Harry, not having been able to
+obtain any information at the stables.
+
+'(Hiccup) to-morrow? Oh, I dare say we shall,' replied Sir Harry, who kept
+his hounds as he did his carriages, to be used when wanted. 'Dare say we
+shall,' repeated he.
+
+But though Sir Harry spoke thus encouragingly of their prospects, he took
+no steps, as far as Mr. Sponge could learn, to carry out the design.
+Indeed, the subject of hunting was never once mentioned, the conversation
+after dinner, instead of being about the Quorn, or the Pytchley, or Jack
+Thompson with the Atherstone, turning upon the elegance and lighting of the
+Casinos in the Adelaide Gallery and Windmill Street, and the relative
+merits of those establishments over the Casino de Venise in High Holborn.
+Nor did morning produce any change for the better, for Sir Harry and all
+the captains came down in their usual flashy broken-down player-looking
+attire, their whole thoughts being absorbed in arranging for a pool at
+billiards, in which the ladies took part. So with billiards, brandy, and
+''baccy,'--''baccy,' brandy, and billiards, varied with an occasional
+stroll about the grounds, the non-sporting inmates of Nonsuch House
+beguiled the time, much to Mr. Sponge's disgust, whose soul was on fire and
+eager for the fray. The reader's perhaps being the same, we will skip
+Christmas and pass on to New Year's Day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXII
+
+A FAMILY BREAKFAST
+
+
+'Twere almost superfluous to say that NEW YEAR'S DAY is always a
+great holiday. It is a day on which custom commands people to be happy and
+idle, whether they have the means of being happy and idle or not. It is a
+day for which happiness and idleness are 'booked,' and parties are planned
+and arranged long beforehand. Some go to the town, some to the country;
+some take rail; some take steam; some take greyhounds; some take gigs;
+while others take guns and pop at all the little dicky-birds that come in
+their way. The rural population generally incline to a hunt. They are not
+very particular as to style, so long as there are a certain number of
+hounds, and some men in scarlet, to blow their horns, halloo, and crack
+their whips.
+
+The population, especially the rising population about Nonsuch House, all
+inclined that way. A New Year's Day's hunt with Sir Harry had long been
+looked forward to by the little Raws, and the little Spooneys, and the big
+and little Cheeks, and we don't know how many others. Nay, it had been
+talked of by the elder boys at their respective schools--we beg pardon,
+academies--Dr. Switchington's, Mr. Latherington's, Mrs. Skelper's, and a
+liberal allowance of boasting indulged in, as to how they would show each
+other the way over the hedges and ditches. The thing had long been talked
+of. Old Johnny Raw had asked Sir Harry to arrange the day so long ago that
+Sir Harry had forgotten all about it. Sir Harry was one of those
+good-natured souls who can't say 'No' to any one. If anybody had asked if
+they might set fire to his house, he would have said:
+
+'Oh (hiccup) certainly, my dear (hiccup) fellow, if it will give you any
+(hiccup) pleasure.'
+
+Now, for the hiccup day.
+
+It is generally a frost on New Year's Day. However wet and sloppy the
+weather may be up to the end of the year, it generally turns over a new
+leaf on that day. New Year's Day is generally a bright, bitter, sunshiny
+day, with starry ice, and a most decided anti-hunting feeling about
+it--light, airy, ringy, anything but cheery for hunting.
+
+Thus it was in Sir Harry Scattercash's county. Having smoked and drunk the
+old year out, the captains and company retired to their couches without
+thinking about hunting. Mr. Sponge, indeed, was about tired of asking when
+the hounds would be going out. It was otherwise, however, with the rising
+generation, who were up betimes, and began pouring in upon Nonsuch House in
+every species of garb, on every description of steed, by every line and
+avenue of approach.
+
+'Halloo! what's up now?' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, as she caught view of
+the first batch rounding the corner to the front of the house.
+
+'Who have we here?' asked Miss Glitters, as a ponderous, parti-coloured
+clown, on a great, curly-coated cart-horse, brought up the rear.
+
+'Early callers,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, eating away complacently.
+
+'Friends of Mr. Sponge's, most likely,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'Some of the little Sponges come to see their pa, p'raps,' lisped Miss
+Howard, pretending to be shocked after she had said it.
+
+'Bravo, Miss Howard!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, clapping his hands.
+
+'_I_ said nothing, Captain,' observed the young lady with becoming prudery.
+
+'Here we are again!' exclaimed Captain Quod, as a troop of various-sized
+urchins, in pea-jackets, with blue noses and red comforters, on very shaggy
+ponies, the two youngest swinging in panniers over an ass, drew up
+alongside of the first comers.
+
+'Whose sliding-scale of innocence is that, I wonder!' exclaimed Miss
+Howard, contemplating the variously sized chubby faces through the window.
+
+'He, he, he! ho, ho, ho!' giggled the guests.
+
+Another batch of innocence now hove in sight.
+
+'Oh, those are the little (hiccup) Raws,' observed Sir Harry, catching
+sight of the sky-blue collar of the servant's long drab coat. 'Good chap,
+old Johnny Raw; ask them to (hiccup) in,' continued he, 'and give them some
+(hiccup) cherry brandy'; and thereupon Sir Harry began nodding and smiling,
+and making signs to them to come in. The youngsters, however, maintained
+their position.
+
+'The little stupexes!' exclaimed Miss Howard, going to the window, and
+throwing up the sash. 'Come in, young gents!' cried she, in a commanding
+tone, addressing herself to the last comers. 'Come in, and have some toffy
+and lollypops! D'ye hear?' continued she, in a still louder voice, and
+motioning her head towards the door.
+
+The boys sat mute.
+
+'You little stupid monkeys,' muttered she in an undertone, as the cold air
+struck upon her head. 'Come in, like good boys,' added she in a louder key,
+pointing with her finger towards the door.
+
+'Nor, thenk ye!' at last drawled the elder of the boys.
+
+'Nor, thenk ye!' repeated Miss Howard, imitating the drawl. 'Why not?'
+asked she sharply.
+
+The boy stared stupidly.
+
+'Why won't you come in?' asked she, again addressing him.
+
+'Don't know!' replied the boy, staring vacantly at his younger brother, as
+he rubbed a pearl off his nose on the back of his hand.
+
+'Don't know!' ejaculated Miss Howard, stamping her little foot on the
+Turkey carpet.
+
+'Mar said we hadn't,' whined the younger boy, coming to the rescue of his
+brother.
+
+'Mar said we hadn't!' retorted the fair interrogator. 'Why not?'
+
+'Don't know,' replied the elder.
+
+'Don't know! you little stupid animal,' snapped Miss Howard, the cold air
+increasing the warmth of her temper. 'I wonder what you _do_ know. Why did
+your ma say you were not to come in?' continued she, addressing the younger
+one.
+
+'Because--because,' hesitated he, 'she said the house was full of
+trumpets.'
+
+'Trumpets, you little scamp!' exclaimed the lady, reddening up; 'I'll get a
+whip and cut your jacket into ribbons on your back.' And thereupon she
+banged down the window and closed the conversation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIII
+
+THE RISING GENERATION
+
+
+The lull that prevailed in the breakfast-room on Miss Howard's return from
+the window was speedily interrupted by fresh arrivals before the door. The
+three Master Baskets in coats and lay-over collars, Master Shutter in a
+jacket and trousers, the two Master Bulgeys in woollen overalls with very
+large hunting whips, Master Brick in a velveteen shooting-jacket, and the
+two Cheeks with their tweed trousers thrust into fiddle-case boots, on all
+sorts of ponies and family horses, began pawing and disordering the gravel
+in front of Nonsuch House.
+
+George Cheek was the head boy at Mr. Latherington's classical and
+commercial academy, at Flagellation Hall (late the Crown and Sceptre Hotel
+and Posting House, on the Bankstone road), where, for forty pounds a year,
+eighty young gentlemen were fitted for the pulpit, the senate, the bar, the
+counting-house, or anything else their fond parents fancied them fit for.
+
+George was a tall stripling, out at the elbows, in at the knees, with his
+red knuckled hands thrust a long way through his tight coat. He was just of
+that awkward age when boys fancy themselves men, and men are not prepared
+to lower themselves to their level. Ladies get on better with them than
+men: either the ladies are more tolerant of twaddle, or their discerning
+eyes see in the gawky youth the germ of future usefulness. George was on
+capital terms with himself. He was the oracle of Mr. Latherington's school,
+where he was not only head boy and head swell, but a considerable authority
+on sporting matters. He took in _Bell's Life_, which he read from beginning
+to end, and 'noted its contents,' as they say in the city.
+
+'I'll tell you what all these little (hiccup) animals will be wanting,'
+observed Sir Harry, as he cayenne-peppered a turkey's leg; 'they'll be come
+for a (hiccup) hunt.'
+
+'Wish they may get it,' observed Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'why, the
+ground's as hard as iron.'
+
+'There's a big boy,' observed Miss Howard, eyeing George Cheek through the
+window.
+
+'Let's have him in, and see what he's got to say for himself,' said Miss
+Glitters.
+
+'_You_ ask him, then,' rejoined Miss Howard, who didn't care to risk
+another rub.
+
+'Peter,' said Lady Scattercash to the footman, who had been loitering
+about, listening to the conversation,--'Peter, go and ask that tall boy
+with the blue neckerchief and the riband round his hat to come in.'
+
+'Yes, my lady,' replied Peter.
+
+'And the (hiccup) Spooneys, and the (hiccup) Bulgeys, and the (hiccup)
+Raws, and all the little (hiccup) rascals,' added Sir Harry.
+
+'The Raws won't come. Sir H.,' observed Miss Howard soberly.
+
+'Bigger fools they,' replied Sir Harry.
+
+Presently Peter returned with a tail, headed by George Cheek, who came
+striding and slouching up the room, and stuck himself down on Lady
+Scattercash's right. The small boys squeezed themselves in as they could,
+one by Captain Seedeybuck, another by Captain Bouncey, one by Miss
+Glitters, a fourth by Miss Howard, and so on. They all fell ravenously upon
+the provisions.
+
+Gobble, gobble, gobble was the order of the day.
+
+'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked Lady
+Scattercash of George Cheek, as she gave him a cup of coffee.
+
+Her ladyship hadn't much liking for youths of his age, and would just as
+soon vex them as not.
+
+'Well, and how often have you been flogged this half?' asked she again, not
+getting an answer to her first inquiry.
+
+'Not at all,' growled Cheek, reddening up.
+
+'Oh, flogged!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'You wouldn't have a young man like
+him flogged; it's only the little boys that get that--is it, Mister Cheek?'
+
+'To be sure not,' assented the youth.
+
+'Mister Cheek's a man,' observed Miss Glitters, eyeing him archly, as he
+sat stuffing his mouth with currant-loaf plentifully besmeared with
+raspberry-jam. 'He'll be wanting a wife soon,' added she, smiling across
+the table at Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'I question but he's got one,' observed the captain.
+
+'No, ar haven't,' replied Cheek, pleased at the imputation.
+
+'Then there's a chance for you. Miss G.,' retorted the captain. 'Mrs.
+George Cheek would look well on a glazed card with gilt edges.'
+
+'What a cub!' exclaimed Miss Howard, in disgust.
+
+'You're another,' replied Master Cheek, amidst a roar of laughter from the
+party.
+
+'Well, but you ask your master if you mayn't have a wife next half, and
+we'll see if we can't arrange matters,' observed Miss Glitters.
+
+'Noo, ar sharn't,' replied George, stuffing his mouth full of preserved
+apricot.
+
+'Why not?' asked Miss Howard, 'Because--because--ar'll have somethin'
+younger,' replied George.
+
+'Bravo, young Chesterfield!' exclaimed Miss Howard; adding, 'what it is to
+be thick with Lord John Manners!'
+
+'Ar'm not,' growled the boy, amidst the mirth of the company.
+
+'Well, but what must we do with these little (hiccup)?'
+asked Sir Harry, at last rising from the breakfast-table, and looking
+listlessly round the company for an answer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Oh! liquor them well, and send them home to their mammas,' suggested
+Captain Bouncey, who was all for the drink.
+
+'But they won't take their (hiccup),' replied Sir Harry, holding up a
+Curacao bottle to show how little had disappeared.
+
+'Try them with cherry brandy,' suggested Captain Seedeybuck; adding, 'it's
+sweeter. Now, young man,' continued he, addressing George Cheek, as he
+poured him out a wineglassful, 'this is the real Daffy's elixir that you
+read of in the papers. It's the finest compound that ever was known. It
+will make your hair curl, your whiskers grow, and you a man before your
+mother.'
+
+'N-o-a, n-o-ar, don't want any more,' growled the young gentleman, turning
+away in disgust. 'Ar won't drink any more.'
+
+'Well, but be sociable,' observed Miss Howard, helping herself to a glass.
+
+'N-o-a, no, ar don't want to be sociable,' growled he, diving into his
+trouser-pockets, and wriggling about on his chair.
+
+'Well, then, what _will_ you do?' asked Miss Howard.
+
+'Hunt,' replied the youth.
+
+'Hunt!' exclaimed Bob Spangles; 'why, the ground's as hard as bricks.'
+
+'N-o-a, it's not,' replied the youth.
+
+'What a whelp!' exclaimed Miss Howard, rising from the table in disgust.
+
+'My Uncle Jellyboy wouldn't let such a frost stop him, I know,' observed
+the boy.
+
+'Who's your Uncle Jellyboy?' asked Miss Glitters.
+
+'He's a farmer, and keeps a few harriers at Scutley,' observed Bob
+Spangles, _sotto voce_.
+
+'And is that your extraordinary horse with all the legs?' asked Miss
+Howard, putting her glass to her eye, and scrutinizing a lank,
+woolly-coated weed, getting led about by a blue-aproned gardener. 'Is that
+your extraordinary horse, with all the legs?' repeated she, following the
+animal about with her glass.
+
+'Hoots, it hasn't more legs than other people's,' growled George.
+
+'It's got ten, at all events,' replied Miss Howard, to the astonishment of
+the juveniles.
+
+'Nor, it hasn't,' replied George.
+
+'Yes, it has,' rejoined the lady.
+
+'Nor, it hasn't,' repeated George.
+
+'Come and see,' said the lady; adding, 'perhaps it's put out some since you
+got off.'
+
+George slouched up to where she stood at the window.
+
+'Now,' said he, as the gardener turned the horse round, and he saw it had
+but four, 'how many has it?'
+
+'Ten!' replied Miss Howard.
+
+'Hoots,' replied George, 'you think it's April Fool's Day, I dare say.'
+
+'No, I don't,' replied Miss Howard; 'but I maintain your horse has ten
+legs. See, now!' continued she, 'what do you call these coming here?'
+
+'His two forelegs,' replied George.
+
+'Well, two fours--twice four's eight, eh? and his two hind ones make ten.'
+
+'Hoots,' growled George, amidst the mirth of his comrades, 'you're makin' a
+fool o' one.'
+
+'Well, but what must I do with all these little (hiccup) creatures?' asked
+Sir Harry again, seeing the plot still thickening outside.
+
+'Turn them out a bagman?' suggested Mr. Sponge, in an undertone; adding,
+'Watchorn has a three-legged 'un, I know, in the hay-loft.'
+
+'Oh, Watchorn wouldn't (hiccup) on such a day as this,' replied Sir Harry.
+'New Year's Day, too--most likely away, seeing his young hounds at walk.'
+
+'We might see, at all events,' observed Mr. Sponge.
+
+'Well,' assented Sir Harry, ringing the bell. 'Peter,' said he, as the
+servant answered the summons, 'I wish you would (hiccup) to Mr. Watchorn's,
+and ask if he'll have the kindness to (hiccup) down here.' Sir Harry was
+obliged to be polite, for Watchorn, too, was on the 'free' list as Miss
+Glitters called it.
+
+'Yes, Sir Harry,' replied Peter, leaving the room.
+
+Presently Peter's white legs were seen wending their way among the laurels
+and evergreens, in the direction of Mr. Watchorn's house; he having a house
+and grass for six cows, all whose milk, he declared, went to the puppies
+and young hounds. Luckily, or unluckily perhaps, Mr. Watchorn was at home,
+and was in the act of shaving as Peter entered. He was a square-built
+dark-faced, dark-haired, good-looking, ill-looking fellow who cultivated
+his face on the four-course system of husbandry. First, he had a bare
+fallow--we mean a clean shave; that of course was followed by a full crop
+of hair all over, except on his upper lip; then he had a soldier's shave,
+off by the ear; which in turn was followed by a Newgate frill. The latter
+was his present style. He had now no whiskers, but an immense protuberance
+of bristly black hair, rising like a wave above his kerchief. Though he
+cared no more about hunting than his master, he was very fond of his red
+coat, which he wore on all occasions, substituting a hat for a cap when
+'off duty,' as he called it. Having attired himself in his best scarlet, of
+which he claimed three a year--one for wet days, one for dry days, another
+for high days--very natty kerseymere shorts and gaiters, with a
+small-striped, standing-collar, toilenette waistcoat, he proceeded to obey
+the summons.
+
+'Watchorn,' said Sir Harry, as the important gentleman appeared at the
+breakfast-room door--'Watchorn, these young (hiccup) gentlemen want a
+(hiccup) hunt.'
+
+'Oh! want must be their master, Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, with a broad
+grin on his flushed face, for he had been drinking all night, and was half
+drunk then.
+
+'Can't you manage it?' asked Sir Harry, mildly.
+
+''Ow is't possible. Sir 'Arry,' asked the huntsman, ''ow is't possible? No
+man's fonder of 'untin' than I am, but to turn out on sich a day as this
+would be a daring--a desperate violation of all the laws of registered
+propriety. The Pope's bull would be nothin' to it!'
+
+'How so?' asked Sir Harry, puzzled with the jumble.
+
+'How so?' repeated Watchorn; 'how so? Why, in the fust place, it's a mortal
+'ard frost, 'arder nor hiron; in the second place, I've got no arrangements
+made--you can't turn out a pack of 'igh-bred fox-'ounds as you would a lot
+of "staggers" or "muggers"; and, in the third place, you'll knock all your
+nags to bits, and they are a deal better in their wind than they are on
+their legs, as it is. No, Sir 'Arry--no,' continued he, slowly and
+thoughtfully. 'No, Sir 'Arry, no. Be Cardinal Wiseman, for once. Sir 'Arry;
+be Cardinal Wiseman for once, and don't _think_ of it.'
+
+'Well,' replied Sir Harry, looking at George Cheek, 'I suppose there's no
+help for it.'
+
+'It was quite a thaw where I came from,' observed Cheek, half to Sir Harry
+and half to the huntsman.
+
+''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Mr. Watchorn, with a chuck of his fringed
+chin, 'it generally is a thaw everywhere but where hounds meet.'
+
+'My Uncle Jollyboy wouldn't be stopped by such a frost as this,' observed
+Cheek.
+
+''Deed, sir, 'deed,' replied Watchorn, 'your Uncle Jellyboy's a very fine
+feller, I dare say--very fine feller; no such conjurers in these parts as
+he is. What man dare, I dare; he who dares more, is no man,' added
+Watchorn, giving his fat thigh a hearty slap.
+
+'Well done, old Talliho!' exclaimed Miss Glitters. 'We'll have you on the
+stage next.'
+
+'What will you wet your whistle with after your fine speech?' asked Lady
+Scattercash.
+
+'Take a tumbler of chumpine, if there is any,' replied Watchorn, looking
+about for a long-necked bottle.
+
+'Fear you'll come on badly,' observed Captain Seedeybuck, holding up an
+empty one, 'for Bouncey and I have just finished the last'; the captain
+chucking the bottle sideways on to the floor, and rolling it towards its
+companion in the corner.
+
+'Have a fresh bottle,' suggested Lady Scattercash, drawing the bell-string
+at her chair.
+
+'Champagne,' said her ladyship, as the footman answered the summons.
+
+'Two on 'em!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Three!' shouted Sir Harry.
+
+'We'll have a regular set-to,' observed Miss Howard, who was fond of
+champagne.
+
+'New Year's Day,' replied Bouncey, 'and ought to be properly observed.'
+
+Presently, Fiz--z,--pop,--bang! Fiz--z,--pop,--bang! went the bottles; and,
+as the hissing beverage foamed over the bottle-necks, glasses were sought
+and held out to catch the creaming contents.
+
+'Here's a (hiccup) happy new year to us all!' exclaimed Sir Harry, drinking
+off his wine. 'H-o-o-ray!' exclaimed the company in irregular order, as
+they drank off theirs.
+
+'We'll drink Mr. Watchorn and the Nonsuch hounds!' exclaimed Bob Spangles,
+as Watchorn, having drained off his tumbler, replaced it on the sideboard.
+
+'With all the honours!' exclaimed Captain Cutitfat, filling his glass and
+rising to give the time; 'Watchorn, your good health!' 'Watchorn, your good
+health!' sounded from all parts, which Watchorn kept acknowledging, and
+looking about for the means to return the compliment, his friends being
+more intent upon drinking his health than upon supplying him with wine. At
+last he caught the third of a bottle of 'chumpine,' and, emptying it into
+his tumbler, held it up while he thus addressed them:
+
+'Gen'lemen all!' said he, 'I thank you most 'ticklarly for this mark of
+your 'tention (applause); it's most gratifying to my feelins to be thus
+remembered (applause). I could say a great deal more, but the liquor won't
+wait.' So saying, he drained off his glass while the wine effervesced.
+
+'Well, and what d'ye (hiccup) of the weather now?' asked Sir Harry, as his
+huntsman again deposited his tumbler on the sideboard.
+
+'Pon my soul! Sir 'Arry,' replied Watchorn, quite briskly, 'I really think
+we _might_ 'unt--we might try, at all events. The day seems changed,
+some'ow,' added he, staring vacantly out of the window on the bright sunny
+landscape, with the leafless trees dancing before his eyes.
+
+'_I_ think so,' said Sir Harry. 'What do you think, Mr. Sponge?' added he,
+appealing to our hero.
+
+'Half an hour may make a great difference,' observed Mr. Sponge. 'The sun
+will then be at its best.'
+
+'We'll try, at all events,' observed Sir Harry.
+
+'That's right,' exclaimed George Cheek, waving a scarlet bandana over his
+head.
+
+'I shall expect you to ride up to the 'ounds, young gent,' observed
+Watchorn, darting an angry look at the speaker.
+
+'Won't I, old boy!' exclaimed George; 'ride over you, if you don't get out
+of the way.'
+
+''Deed,' sneered the huntsman, whisking about to leave the room; muttering,
+as he passed behind the large Indian screen at the door, something about
+'jawing jackanapes, well called Cheek.'
+
+''Unt in 'alf an hour!' exclaimed Watchorn, from the steps of the front
+door; an announcement that was received by the little Raws, and little
+Spooneys, and little Baskets, and little Bulgeys, and little Bricks, and
+little others, with rapturous applause.
+
+All was now commotion and hurry-scurry inside and out; glasses were
+drained, lips wiped, and napkins thrown hastily away, while ladies and
+gentlemen began grouping and talking about hats and habits, and what they
+should ride.
+
+'You go with me, Orlando,' said Lady Scattercash to our friend Bugles,
+recollecting the quantity of diachylon plaster it had taken to repair the
+damage of his former equestrian performance. 'You go with me, Orlando,'
+said she, 'in the phaeton; and I'll lend Lucy,' nodding towards Miss
+Glitters, 'my habit and horse.'
+
+'Who can lend me a coat?' asked Captain Seedeybuck, examining the skirts of
+a much frayed invisible-green surtout.
+
+'A coat!' replied Captain Quod; 'I can lend you a Joinville, if that will
+do as well,' the captain feeling his own extensive one as he spoke.
+
+'Hardly,' said Seedeybuck, turning about to ask Sir Harry.
+
+'What!--you are going to give Watchorn a tussle, are you?' asked Captain
+Cutitfat of George Cheek, as the latter began adjusting the fox-toothed
+riband about his hat.
+
+'I believe you,' replied George, with a knowing jerk of his head; adding,
+'it won't take much to beat him.'
+
+'What! he's a slow 'un, is he?' asked Cutitfat, in an undertone.
+
+'Slowest coach I ever saw,' growled George.
+
+'Won't ride, won't he?' asked the Captain.
+
+'Not if he can help it,' replied George, adding, 'but he's such a shocking
+huntsman--never saw such a huntsman in all my life.'
+
+George's experience lay between his Uncle Jellyboy, who rode eighteen stone
+and a half, Tom Scramble, the pedestrian huntsman of the Slowfoot hounds,
+near Mr. Latherington's, and Mr. Watchorn. But critics, especially hunting
+ones, are all ready made, as Lord Byron said.
+
+'Well, we'd better disperse and get ready,' observed Bob Spangles, making
+for the door; whereupon the tide of population flowed that way, and the
+room was presently cleared.
+
+George Cheek and the juveniles then returned to their friends in the front;
+and George got up pony races among the Johnny Raws, the Baskets, the
+Bulgeys, and the Spooneys, thrice round the carriage ring and a distance,
+to the detriment of the gravel and the discomfiture of the flower-bed in
+the centre.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIV
+
+THE KENNEL AND THE STUD
+
+
+We will now accompany Mr. Watchorn to the stable, whither his resolute legs
+carried him as soon as the champagne wrought the wonderful change in his
+opinion of the weather, though, as he every now and then crossed a spangled
+piece of ground upon which the sun had not struck, or stopped to crack a
+piece of ice with his toe, he shook his heated head and doubted whether
+_he_ was Cardinal Wiseman for making the attempt. Nothing but the fact of
+his considering it perfectly immaterial whether he was with his hounds or
+not encouraged him in the undertaking. 'Dash them!' said he, 'they must
+just take care of themselves.' With which laudable resolution, and an
+inward anathema at George Cheek, he left off trying the ground and tapping
+the ice.
+
+Watchorn's hurried, excited appearance produced little satisfaction among
+the grooms and helpers at the stables, who were congratulating themselves
+on the opportune arrival of the frost, and arranging how they should spend
+their New Year's Day.
+
+'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' exclaimed he, clapping his hands as he ran
+up the yard. 'Look sharp, lads! look sharp!' repeated he, as the astonished
+helpers showed their bare arms and dirty shirts at the partially opened
+doors, responsive to the sound. 'Send Snaffle here, send Brown here, send
+Green here, send Snooks here,' exclaimed he, with the air of a man in
+authority.
+
+Now Snaffle was the stud-groom, a personage altogether independent of the
+huntsman, and, in the ordinary course of nature, Snaffle had just as much
+right to send for Watchorn as Watchorn had to send for him; but Watchorn
+being, as we said before, some way connected with Lady Scattercash, he just
+did as he liked among the whole of them, and they were too good judges to
+rebel.
+
+'Snaffle,' said he, as the portly, well-put-on personage waddled up to him;
+'Snaffle,' said he, 'how many sound 'osses have you?'
+
+'_None_, sir,' replied Snaffle confidently.
+
+'How many three-legged 'uns have you that can go, then?'
+
+'Oh! a good many,' replied Snaffle, raising his hands to tell them off on
+his fingers. 'There's Hop-the-twig, and Hannah Bell (Hannibal), and Ugly
+Jade, and Sir-danapalis--the Baronet as we calls him--and Harkaway, and
+Hit-me-hard, and Single-peeper, and Jack's-alive, and Groggytoes, and
+Greedyboy, and Puff-and-blow; that's to say _two_ and three-legged 'uns, at
+least,' observed Snaffle, qualifying his original assertion.
+
+'Ah, well!' said Watchorn, 'that'll do--two legs are too many for some of
+the rips they'll have to carry--Let me see,' continued he thoughtfully,
+'I'll ride 'Arkaway.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' said Snaffle.
+
+'Sir 'Arry, 'It-me-'ard.'
+
+'Won't you put him on Sir-danapalis?' asked Snaffle.
+
+'No,' replied Watchorn, 'no; I wants to save the Bart.--I wants to save the
+Bart. Sir 'Arry must ride 'It-me-'ard.'
+
+'Is her ladyship going?' asked Snaffle.
+
+'Her ladyship drives,' replied Watchorn. 'And you. Snooks,' addressing a
+bare-armed helper, 'tell Mr. Traces to turn her out a pony phaeton and
+pair, with fresh rosettes and all complete, you know.'
+
+'Yes sir,' said Snooks, with a touch of his forelock.
+
+'And you'd better tell Mr. Leather to have a horse for his master,'
+observed Watchorn to Snaffle, 'unless as how you wish to put him on one of
+yours.'
+
+'Not I,' exclaimed Snaffle; 'have enough to mount without him. D'ye know
+how many'll be goin'?' asked he.
+
+'No,' replied Watchorn, hurrying off; adding, as he went, 'oh, hang 'em,
+just saddle 'em all, and let 'em scramble for 'em.'
+
+The scene then changed. Instead of hissing helpers pursuing their vocations
+in stable or saddle-room, they began bustling about with saddles on their
+heads and bridles in their hands, the day of expected ease being changed
+into one of unusual trouble. Mr. Leather declared, as he swept the clothes
+over Multum in Parvo's tail, that it was the most unconscionable proceeding
+he had ever witnessed; and muttered something about the quiet comforts he
+had left at Mr. Jogglebury Crowdey's, hinting his regret at having come to
+Sir Harry's, in a sort of dialogue with himself as he saddled the horse.
+The beauties of the last place always come out strong when a servant gets
+to another. But we must accompany Mr. Watchorn.
+
+Though his early career with the Camberwell and Balham Hill Union harriers
+had not initiated him much into the delicacies of the chase, yet,
+recollecting the presence of Mr. Sponge, he felt suddenly seized with a
+desire of 'doing things as they should be'; and he went muttering to the
+kennel, thinking how he would leave Dinnerbell and Prosperous at home, and
+how the pack would look quite as well without Frantic running half a field
+ahead, or old Stormer and Stunner bringing up the rear with long protracted
+howls. He doubted, indeed, whether he would take Desperate, who was an
+incorrigible skirter; but as she was not much worse in this respect than
+Chatterer or Harmony, who was also an inveterate babbler, and the pack
+would look rather short without them, he reserved the point for further
+consideration, as the judges say.
+
+His speculations were interrupted by arriving at the kennel, and finding
+the door fast, he looked under the slate, and above the frame, and inside
+the window, and on the wall, for the key; and his shake, and kick, and
+clatter were only answered by a full chorus from the excited company
+within.
+
+'Hang the feller! what's got 'im!' exclaimed he, meaning Joe Haggish, the
+feeder, whom he expected to find there.
+
+Joe, however, was absent; not holiday-making, but on a diplomatic visit to
+Mr. Greystones, the miller, at Splashford, who had positively refused to
+supply any more meal, until his 'little bill' (L430) for the three previous
+years was settled; and flesh being very scarce in the country, the hounds
+were quite light and fit to go. Joe had gone to try and coax Greystones out
+of a ton or two of meal, on the strength of its being New Year's Day.
+
+'Dash the feller! wot's got'im?' exclaimed Watchorn, seizing the latch, and
+rattling it furiously. The melody of the hungry pack increased. ''Ord rot
+the door!' exclaimed the infuriated huntsman, setting his back against it;
+at the first push, open it flew. Watchorn fell back, and the astonished
+pack poured over his prostrate body, regardless alike of his holiday coat,
+his tidy tie, and toilenette vest. What a scrimmage! What a kick-up was
+there! Away the hounds scampered, towling and howling, some up to the
+fleshwheel, to see if there was any meat; some to the bone heap, to see if
+there was any there; others down to the dairy, to try and effect an
+entrance in it; while Launcher, and Lightsome, and Burster, rushed to the
+backyard of Nonsuch House, and were presently over ears in the pig-pail.
+
+'Get me my horn! get me my whop!--get me my cap!--get me my bouts!'
+exclaimed Watchorn, as he recovered his legs, and saw his wife eyeing the
+scene from the door. 'Get me my bouts!--get me my cap!--get me my
+whop!--get me my horn, woman!' continued he, reversing the order of things,
+and rubbing the hounds' feetmarks off his clothes as he spoke.
+
+Mrs. Watchorn was too well drilled to dwell upon orders, and she met her
+lord and master in the passage with the enumerated articles in her hand.
+Watchorn having deposited himself on an entrance-hall chair--for it was a
+roomy, well-furnished house, having been the steward's while there was
+anything to take care of--Mrs. Watchorn proceeded to strip off his gaiters
+while he drew on his boots and crowned himself with his cap. Mrs. Watchorn
+then buckled on his spurs, and he hurried off, horn in hand, desiring her
+to have him a basin of turtle-soup ready against he came in; adding, 'She
+knew where to get it.' The frosty air then resounded with the twang, twang,
+twang of his horn, and hounds began drawing up from all quarters, just as
+sportsmen cast up at a meet from no one knows where.
+
+'He-here, hounds--he-here, good dogs!' cried he, coaxing and making much of
+the first-comers: 'he-here. Galloper, old boy!' continued he, diving into
+his coat-pocket, and throwing him a bit of biscuit. The appearance of food
+had a very encouraging effect, for forthwith there was a general rush
+towards Watchorn, and it was only by rating and swinging his 'whop' about
+that he prevented the pack from pawing, and perhaps downing him. At length,
+having got them somewhat tranquillized, he set off on his return to the
+stables, coaxing the shy hounds, and rating and rapping those that seemed
+inclined to break away. Thus he managed to march into the stable-yard in
+pretty good order, just as the house party arrived in the opposite
+direction, attired in the most extraordinary and incongruous habiliments.
+There was Bob Spangles, in a swallow-tailed, mulberry-coloured scarlet,
+that looked like an old pen-wiper, white duck trousers, and lack-lustre
+Napoleon boots; Captain Cutitfat, in a smart new 'Moses and Son's'
+straight-cut scarlet, with bloodhound heads on the buttons, yellow-ochre
+leathers, and Wellington boots with drab knee-caps; little Bouncey in a
+tremendously baggy long-backed scarlet, whose gaping outside-pockets showed
+that they had carried its late owner's hands as well as his handkerchief;
+the clumsy device on the tarnished buttons looking quite as much like
+sheep's-heads as foxes'. Bouncey's tight tweed trousers were thrust into a
+pair of wide fisherman's boots, which, but for his little roundabout
+stomach, would have swallowed him up bodily. Captain Quod appeared in a
+venerable dresscoat of the Melton Hunt, made in the popular reign of Mr.
+Errington, whose much-stained and smeared silk facings bore testimony to
+the good cheer it had seen. As if in contrast to the light airiness of this
+garment, Quod had on a tremendously large shaggy brown waistcoat, with horn
+buttons, a double tier of pockets, and a nick out in front. With an unfair
+partiality his nether man was attired in a pair of shabby old black, or
+rather brown, dress trousers, thrust into long Wellington boots with brass
+heel spurs. Captain Seedeybuck had on a spruce swallow-tailed green coat of
+Sir Harry's, a pair of old tweed trousers of his own, thrust into long
+chamois-leather opera-boots, with red morocco tops, giving the whole a very
+unique and novel appearance. Mr. Orlando Bugles, though going to drive with
+my lady, thought it incumbent to put on his jack-boots, and appeared in
+kerseymere shorts, and a highly frogged and furred blue frock-coat, with
+the corner of a musked cambric kerchief acting the part of a star on his
+breast.
+
+"Here comes old sixteen-string'd Jack!" exclaimed Bob Spangles, as his
+brother-in-law, Sir Harry, came hitching and limping along, all strings,
+and tapes, and ends, as usual, followed by Mr. Sponge in the strict and
+severe order of sporting costume; double-stitched, back-stitched,
+sleeve-strapped, pull-devil, pull-baker coat, broad corduroy vest with
+fox-teeth buttons, still broader corded breeches, and the redoubtable
+vinegar tops. "Now we're all ready!" exclaimed Bob, working his arms as if
+anxious to be off, and giving a shrill shilling-gallery whistle with his
+fingers, causing the stable-doors to fly open, and the variously tackled
+steeds to emerge from their stalls.
+
+"A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!" exclaimed Miss Glitters,
+running up as fast as her long habit, or rather Lady Scattercash's long
+habit, would allow her. "A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!"
+repeated she, diving into the throng.
+
+'White Surrey is saddled for the field,' replied Mr. Orlando Bugles,
+drawing himself up pompously, and waving his right hand gracefully towards
+her ladyship's Arab palfrey, inwardly congratulating himself that Miss
+Glitters was going to be bumped upon it instead of him.
+
+'Give us a leg up, Seedey!' exclaimed Lucy Glitters to the 'gent' of the
+green coat, fearing that Miss Howard, who was a little behind, might claim
+the horse.
+
+[Illustration: MR. BUGLES GOES OUT HUNTING AGAIN]
+
+Captain Seedeybuck seized her pretty little uplifted foot and vaulted her
+into the saddle as light as a cork. Taking the horse gently by the mouth,
+she gave him the slightest possible touch with the whip, and moved him
+about at will, instead of fretting and fighting him as the clumsy,
+heavy-handed Bugles had done. She looked beautiful on horseback, and for a
+time riveted the attention of our sportsmen. At length they began to think
+of themselves, and then there were such climbings on, and clutchings, and
+catchings, and clingings, and gently-ings, and who-ho-ings, and
+who-ah-ings, and questionings if 'such a horse was quiet?' if another
+'could leap well?' if a third 'had a good mouth?' and whether a fourth
+'ever ran away?'
+
+'Take my port-stirrup up two 'oles!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey from the top
+of high Hop-the-twig, sticking out a leg to let the groom do it.
+
+The captain had affected the sea instead of the land service, while a
+betting-list keeper, and found the bluff sailor character very taking.
+
+'Avast there!' exclaimed he, as the groom ran the buckle up to the desired
+hole. 'Now,' said he, gathering up the reins in a bunch, 'how many knots an
+hour can this 'orse go?'
+
+'Twenty,' replied the man, thinking he meant miles.
+
+'Let her go, then!' exclaimed the captain, kicking the horse's sides with
+his spurless heels.
+
+Mr. Watchorn now mounted Harkaway; Sir Harry scrambled on to Hit-me-hard;
+Miss Howard was hoisted on to Groggytoes, and all the rest being 'fit' with
+horses of some sort or other, and the races in the front being over the
+juveniles poured into the yard. Lady Scattercash's pony-phaeton turned out,
+and our friends were at length ready for a start.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXV
+
+THE HUNT
+
+
+While the foregoing arrangements were in progress, Mr. Watchorn had desired
+Slarkey, the knife-boy, to go into the old hay-loft and take the
+three-legged fox he would find, and put him down among the laurels by the
+summer-house, where he would draw up to him all 'reg'lar' like.
+Accordingly, Slarkey went, but the old cripple having mounted the rafters,
+Slarkey didn't see him, or rather seeing but one fox, he clutched him, with
+a greater regard to his not biting him than to seeing how many legs he had;
+consequently he bagged an uncommonly fine old dog fox, that Wiley Tom had
+just stolen from Lord Scamperdale's new cover at Faggotfurze; and it was
+not until Slarkey put him down among the bushes, and saw how lively he
+went, that he found out his mistake. However, there was no help for it,
+and he had just time to pocket the bag when Watchorn's half-drunken cheer,
+and the reverberating cracks of ponderous whips on either side of the Dean,
+announced the approach of the pack.
+
+'He-leu in there!' cried Watchorn to the hounds. ''Ord, dommee, but it's
+slippy,' said he to himself. 'Have at him. Plunderer, good dog! I wish I
+may be Cardinal Wiseman for comin',' added he, seeing how his breath showed
+on the air. 'Ho-o-i-cks! p_a_sh 'im hup! I'll be dashed if I shan't be
+down!' exclaimed he, as his horse slid a long slide. 'He-leu, in!
+Conqueror, old boy!' continued he, exclaiming loud enough for Mr. Sponge
+who was drawing near to hear, 'find us a fox that'll give us five and forty
+minnits!' the speaker inwardly hoping they might chop their bagman in
+cover. 'Y-o-o-icks! rout him out!' continued he, getting more energetic.
+'Y-o-o-icks! wind him! Y-o-o-icks! stir us hup a teaser!'
+
+'No go, I think,' observed George Cheek, ambling up on his leggy weed.
+
+'No go, ye young infidel,' growled Watchorn, 'who taught you to talk about
+go's, I wonder? ought to be at school larnin' to cipher, or ridin' the
+globes,' Mr. Watchorn not exactly knowing what the term 'use of the
+globes,' meant. 'D'ye call that _nothin_'!' exclaimed he, taking off his
+cap as he viewed the fox stealing along the gravel walk; adding to himself,
+as he saw his even action, and full, well-tagged brush, ''Ord rot him, he's
+got hold of the wrong 'un!'
+
+It was, however, no time for thought. In an instant the welkin rang with
+the outburst of the pack and the clamour of the field. 'Talli ho!' 'Talli
+ho!' 'Talli ho!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' 'Hoop!' cried a score of voices, and
+'Twang! twang! twang!' went the shrill horn of the huntsman. The whips,
+too, stood in their stirrups, cracking their ponderous thongs, which
+sounded like guns upon the frosty air, and contributed their 'Get together!
+get together, hounds!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark away!' 'Hark' to the
+general uproar. Oh, what a row, what a riot, what a racket! Watchorn being
+'in' for it, and recollecting how many saw a start who never thought of
+seeing a finish, immediately got his horse by the head, and singled himself
+out from the crowd now pressing at his horse's heels, determining, if the
+hounds didn't run into their fox in the park, to ride them off the scent at
+the very first opportunity. The 'chumpine' being still alive within him, in
+the excitement of the moment he leaped the hand-gate leading out of the
+shrubberies into the park; the noise the horse made in taking off
+resembling the trampling on wood-pavement.
+
+'Cuss it, but it's 'ard!' exclaimed he, as the horse slid two or three
+yards as he alighted on the frozen field.
+
+George Cheek followed him; and Multum in Parvo, taking the bit deliberately
+between his teeth, just walked through the gate, as if it had been made of
+paper.
+
+'Ah, ye brute!' groaned Mr. Sponge, in disgust, digging the Latchfords into
+his sides, as if he intended to make them meet in the middle. 'Ah, ye
+brute!' repeated he, giving him a hearty cropper as he put up his head
+after trying to kick him off.
+
+'Thank you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, cantering up; adding, 'you cleared
+the way nicely for me.'
+
+Nicely he had cleared it for them all; and the pent-up tide of
+equestrianism now poured over the park like the flood of an irrigated water
+meadow. Such ponies! such horses! such hugging! such kicking! such
+scrambling! and so little progress with many!
+
+The park being extensive--three hundred acres or more--there was ample
+space for the aspiring ones to single themselves out; and as Lady
+Scattercash and Orlando sat in the pony-phaeton, on the rising ground by
+the keeper's house, they saw a dark-clad horseman (George Cheek), Old
+Gingerbread Boots, as they called Mr. Sponge, with Lucy Glitters alongside
+of him, gradually stealing away from the crowd, and creeping up to Mr.
+Watchorn, who was sailing away with the hounds.
+
+'What a scrimmage!' exclaimed her ladyship, standing up in the carriage,
+and eyeing the
+
+    Strange confusion in the vale below.
+
+'There's Bob in his old purple,' said she, eyeing her brother hustling
+along; 'and there's "Fat" in his new Moses and Son; and Bouncey in poor
+Wax's coat; and there's Harry all legs and wings, as usual,' added she, as
+her husband was seen flibberty-gibbertying it along.
+
+'And there's Lucy; and where's Miss Howard, I wonder?' observed Orlando,
+straining his eyes after the scrambling field.
+
+Nothing but the inspiriting aid of 'chumpine,' and the hope that the thing
+would soon terminate, sustained Mr. Watchorn under the infliction in which
+he so unexpectedly found himself; for nothing would have tempted him to
+brave such a frost with the burning scent of a game four-legged fox. The
+park being spacious, and enclosed by a high plank paling, he hoped the fox
+would have the manners to confine himself within it; and so long as his
+threadings and windings favoured the supposition, our huntsman bustled
+along, yelling and screaming in apparent ecstasy at the top of his voice.
+The hounds, to be sure, wanted keeping together, for Frantic as usual had
+shot ahead, while the gorged pigpailers could never extricate themselves
+from the ponies.
+
+'F-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d! f-o-o-o-r-r-a-r-d!' elongated
+Watchorn, rising in his stirrups, and looking back with a grin at George
+Cheek, who was plying his weed with the whip, exclaiming, 'Ah, you
+confounded young warmint, I'll give you a warmin'! I'll teach you to jaw
+about 'untin'!'
+
+As he turned his head straight to look at his hounds, he was shocked to see
+Frantic falling backwards from a first attempt to leap the park-palings,
+and just as she gathered herself for a second effort, Desperate, Chatterer,
+and Galloper, charged in line and got over. Then came the general rush of
+the pack, attended with the usual success--some over, some back, some a-top
+of others.
+
+'Oh, the devil!' exclaimed Watchorn, pulling up short in a perfect agony of
+despair. 'Oh, the devil!' repeated he in a lower tone, as Mr. Sponge
+approached.
+
+'Where's there a gate?' roared our friend, skating up.
+
+'Gate! there's never a gate within a mile, and that's locked,' replied
+Watchorn sulkily.
+
+'Then here goes!' replied Mr. Sponge, gathering the chestnut together to
+give him an opportunity of purging himself of his previous _faux pas_.
+'Here goes!' repeated he, thrusting his hard hat firmly on his head. Taking
+his horse back a few paces, Mr. Sponge crammed him manfully at the palings,
+and got over with a rap.
+
+'Well done you!' exclaimed Miss Glitters in delight; adding to Watchorn,
+'Now, old Beardey, you go next.'
+
+Beardey was irresolute. He pretended to be anxious to get the tail hounds
+over.
+
+'Clear the way, then!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, putting her horse back, her
+bright eyes flashing as she spoke. She took him back as far as Mr. Sponge
+had done, touched him with the whip, and in an instant she was high in the
+air, landing safely on the far side.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' exclaimed Captains Quod and Cutitfat, who now came panting up.
+
+'Now, Mr. Watchorn!' cried Captain Seedeybuck, adding, 'You're a huntsman!'
+
+'Yooi over, Prosperous! Yooi over, Buster!' cheered Watchorn, still
+pretending anxiety about his hounds.
+
+'Let _me_ have a shy,' squeaked George Cheek, backing his giraffe, as he
+had seen Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters do.
+
+George took his screw by the head, and, giving him a hearty rib-roasting
+with his whip, ran him full tilt at the palings, and carried away half a
+rood.
+
+'Hoo-ray!' cried the liberated field.
+
+'_I_ knew how it would be,' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, in well-feigned disgust
+as he rode through the gap; adding, '_con_-founded young waggabone!
+Deserves to be well _chaste_-tized for breakin' people's palin's in that
+way--lettin' in all the rubbishin' tail.'
+
+The scene then changed. In lieu of the green, though hard, sward of the
+undulating park, our friends now found themselves on large frozen fallows,
+upon whose uneven surface the heaviest horses made no impression while the
+shuffling rats of ponies toiled and floundered about, almost receding in
+their progress. Mr. Sponge was just topping the fence out of the first one,
+and Miss Glitters was gathering her horse to ride at it, as Watchorn and
+Co. emerged from the park. Rounding the turnip-hill beyond, the leading
+hounds were racing with a breast-high scent, followed by the pack in
+long-drawn file.
+
+'What a mess!' said Watchorn to himself, shading the sun from his eyes with
+his hand; when, remembering his _role_, he exclaimed, 'Y-o-o-n-der they
+go!' as if in ecstasies at the sight. Seeing a gate at the bottom of the
+field, he got his horse by the head, and rattled him across the fallow,
+blowing his horn more in hopes of stopping the pack than with a view of
+bringing up the tail-hounds. He might have saved his breath, for the music
+of the pack completely drowned the noise of the horn. 'Dash it!' said he,
+thumping the broad end against his thigh; 'I wish I was quietly back in my
+parlour. Hold up, horse!' roared he, as Harkaway nearly came on his
+haunches in pulling up at the gate. 'I know who's _not_ Cardinal Wiseman,'
+continued he, stooping to open it.
+
+The gate was fast, and he had to alight and lift it off its hinges. Just as
+he had done so, and had got it sufficiently open for a horse to pass,
+George Cheek came up from behind, and slipped through before him.
+
+'Oh, you unrighteous young renegade! Did ever mortal see sich an
+uncivilized trick?' roared Watchorn; adding, as he climbed on to his horse
+again, and went spluttering through the frozen turnips after the offender,
+'You've no 'quaintance with Lord John Manners, I think!'
+
+'Oh dear!--oh dear!' exclaimed he, as his horse nearly came on his head,
+'but this is the most punishin' affair I ever was in at. Puseyism's nothin'
+to it.' And thereupon he indulged in no end of anathemas at Slarkey for
+bringing the wrong fox.
+
+'About time to take soundings, and cast anchor, isn't it?' gasped Captain
+Bouncey, toiling up red-hot on his pulling horse in a state of utter
+exhaustion, as Watchorn stood craneing and looking at a rasper through
+which Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters had passed, without disturbing a twig.
+
+'C--a--s--t anchor!' exclaimed Watchorn, in a tone of derision--'not this
+half-hour yet, I hope!--not this forty minnits yet, I hope;--not this hour
+and twenty minnits yet, I hope!' continued he, putting his horse
+irresolutely at the fence. The horse blundered through it, barking
+Watchorn's nose with a branch.
+
+''Ord rot it, cut off my nose!' exclaimed he, muffling it up in his hand.
+'Cut off my nose clean by my face, I do believe,' continued he, venturing
+to look into his hand for it. 'Well,' said he, eyeing the slight stain of
+blood on his glove, 'this will be a lesson to me as long as I live. If ever
+I 'unt again in a frost, may I be ----. Thank goodness! they've checked at
+last!' exclaimed he, as the music suddenly ceased, and Mr. Sponge and Miss
+Glitters sat motionless together on their panting, smoking steeds.
+
+Watchorn then stuck spurs to his horse, and being now on a flat rushy
+pasture, with a bridle-gate into the field where the hounds were casting,
+he hustled across, preparing his horn for a blow as soon as he got there.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang--twang,' he went, riding up the hedgerow in the
+contrary direction to what the hounds leant. 'Twang--twang--twang,' he
+continued, inwardly congratulating himself that the fox would never face
+the troop of urchins he saw coming down with their guns.
+
+'Hang him!--he's never that way!' observed Mr. Sponge, _sotto voce_, to
+Miss Glitters. 'He's never that way,' repeated he, seeing how Frantic flung
+to the right.
+
+'Twang--twang--twang,' went the horn, but the hounds regarded it not.
+
+'Do, Mr. Sponge, put the hounds to me!' roared Mr. Watchorn, dreading lest
+they might hit off the scent.
+
+Mr. Sponge answered the appeal by turning his horse the way the hounds were
+feathering, and giving them a slight cheer.
+
+''Ord rot it!' roared Watchorn, '_do_ let 'em alone! that's a _fresh_ fox!
+ours is over the 'ill,' pointing towards Bonnyfield Hill.
+
+'Hoop!' hallooed Mr. Sponge, taking off his hat, as Frantic hit off the
+scent to the right, and Galloper, and Melody, and all the rest scored to
+cry.
+
+'Oh, you confounded brown-bouted beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn, returning
+his horn to its case, and eyeing Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters sailing away
+with the again breast-high-scent pack. 'Oh, you exorbitant usurer!'
+continued he, gathering his horse to skate after them. 'Well now, that's
+the most disgraceful proceedin' I ever saw in the whole course of my life.
+Hang me, if I'll stand such work! Dash me, but I'll 'quaint the
+Queen!--I'll tell Sir George Grey! I'll write to Mr. Walpole! Fo-orrard!
+fo-orrard!' hallooed he, as Bob Spangles and Bouncey popped upon him
+unexpectedly from behind, exclaiming with well-feigned glee, as he pointed
+to the streaming pack with his whip, ''Ord dash it, but we're in for a good
+thing!'
+
+Little Bouncey's horse was still yawning and star-gazing, and Bouncey,
+being quite unequal to riding him and well-nigh exhausted, 'downed' him
+against a rubbing-post in the middle of a field, making a 'cannon' with his
+own and his horse's head, and was immediately the centre of attraction for
+the panting tail. Bouncey got near a pint of sherry from among them before
+he recovered from the shock. So anxious were they about him, that not one
+of them thought of resuming the chase. Even the lagging whips couldn't
+leave him. George Cheek was presently _hors de combat_ in a hedge, and
+Watchorn seeing him 'see-sawing,' exclaimed, as he slipped through a gate:
+
+'I'll send your mar to you, you young 'umbug.'
+
+Watchorn would gladly have stopped too, for the fumes of the champagne were
+dead within him, and the riding was becoming every minute more dangerous.
+He trotted on, hoping each jump of brown boots would be the last, and
+inwardly wishing the wearer at the devil. Thus he passed through a
+considerable extent of country, over Harrowdale Lordship, or reputed
+Lordship, past Roundington Tower, down Sloppyside Banks, and on to
+Cheeseington Green; the severity of his affliction being alone mitigated by
+the intervention of accommodating roads and lines of field gates. These,
+however, Mr. Sponge generally declined, and went crashing on, now over high
+places, now over low, just as they came in his way, closely followed by the
+fair Lucy Glitters.
+
+'Well, I never see'd sich a man as that!' exclaimed Watchorn, eyeing Mr.
+Sponge clearing a stiff flight of rails, with a gap near at hand. 'Nor
+woman nouther!' added he, as Miss Glitters did the like. 'Well, I'm dashed
+if it arn't dangerous!' continued he, thumping his hand against his thick
+thigh, as the white nearly slipped upon landing. 'F-o-r-r-ard! for-rard!
+hoop!' screeched he, as he saw Miss Glitters looking back to see where he
+was. 'F-o-r-rard! for-rard!' repeated he; adding, in apparent delight, 'My
+eyes, but we're in for a stinger! Hold up, horse!' roared he, as his horse
+now went starring up to the knees through a long sheet of ice, squirting
+the clayey water into his rider's face. 'Hold up!' repeated he, adding,
+'I'm dashed if one mightn't as well be crashin' over the Christial Palace
+as ridin' over a country froze in this way! 'Ord rot it, how cold it is!'
+continued he, blowing on his finger-ends; 'I declare my 'ands are quite
+numb. Well done, old brown bouts!' exclaimed he, as a crash on the right
+attracted his attention; 'well done, old brown bouts!--broke every bar i'
+the gate!' adding, 'but I'll let Mr. Buckram know the way his beautiful
+horses are 'bused. Well,' continued he, after a long skate down the grassy
+side of Ditchburn Lane, 'there's no fun in this--none whatever. Who the
+deuce would be a huntsman that could be anything else? Dash it! I'd rayther
+be a hosier--I'd rayther be a 'atter--I'd rayther be an undertaker--I'd
+rayther be a Pusseyite parson--I'd rayther be a pig-jobber--I'd rayther be
+a besom-maker--I'd rayther be a dog's-meat man--I'd rayther be a cat's-meat
+man--I'd rayther go about a sellin' of chick-weed and sparrow-grass!' added
+he, as his horse nearly slipped up on his haunches.
+
+'Thank 'eavens there's relief at last!' exclaimed he, as on rising
+Gimmerhog Hill he saw Farmer Saintfoin's southdowns wheeling and
+clustering, indicative of the fox having passed; 'thank 'eavens, there's
+relief at last!' repeated he, reining up his horse to see the hounds charge
+them.
+
+Mr. Sponge and Miss Glitters were now in the bottom below, fighting their
+way across a broad mill-course with a very stiff fence on the taking-off
+side.
+
+'Hold up!' roared Mr. Sponge, as, having bored a hole through the fence, he
+found himself on the margin of the water-race. The horse did hold up, and
+landed him--not without a scramble--on the far side. 'Run him at it, Lucy!'
+exclaimed Mr. Sponge, turning his horse half round to his fair companion.
+'Run him at it, Lucy!' repeated he; and Lucy fortunately hitting the gap,
+skimmed o'er the water like a swallow on a summer's eve.
+
+'Well done! you're a trump!' exclaimed Mr. Sponge, standing in his
+stirrups, and holding on by the mane as his horse rose the opposing hill.
+
+He just got up in time to save the muttons; another second and the hounds
+would have been into them. Holding up his hand to beckon Lucy to stop, he
+sat eyeing them intently. Many of them had their heads up, and not a few
+were casting sheep's eyes at the sheep. Some few of the line hunters were
+persevering with the scent over the greasy ground. It was a critical
+moment. They cast to the right, then to the left, and again took a wider
+sweep in advance, returning however towards the sheep, as if they thought
+them the best spec after all.
+
+'Put 'em to me,' said Mr. Sponge, giving Miss Glitters his whip; 'put 'em
+to me!' said he, hallooing, 'Yor-geot, hounds!--yor-geot!'--which, being
+interpreted, means, 'here again, hounds!--here again!'
+
+'Oh, the conceited beggar!' exclaimed Mr. Watchorn to himself, as,
+disappointed of his finish, he sat feeling his nose, mopping his face, and
+watching the proceedings. 'Oh, the conceited beggar!' repeated he, adding,
+'old 'hogany bouts is _ab_solutely a goin' to kest them.'
+
+Cast them, however, he did, proceeding very cautiously in the direction the
+hounds seemed to lean. They were on a piece of cold scenting ground, across
+which they could hardly own the scent.
+
+'Don't hurry 'em!' cried Mr. Sponge to Miss Glitters, who was acting
+whipper-in with rather unnecessary vigour.
+
+As they got under the lee of the hedge, the scent improved a little, and,
+from an occasional feathering stern, a hound or two indulged in a whimper,
+until at length they fairly broke out in a cry. 'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+Watchorn to himself, looking first at the formidable leap before him, and
+then to see if there was any one coming up behind. 'I'll lose a shoe,' said
+he. 'No notion of lippin' of a navigable river--a downright arm of the
+sea,' added he, getting off.
+
+'Forward! forward!' screeched Mr. Sponge, capping the hounds on, when away
+they went, heads up and sterns down as before.
+
+'Ay, for-rard! for-rard!' mimicked Mr. Watchorn; adding, 'you're for-rard
+enough, at all events.'
+
+After running about three-quarters of a mile at best pace, Mr. Sponge
+viewed the fox crossing a large grass field with all the steam up he could
+raise, a few hundred yards ahead of the pack, who were streaming along most
+beautifully, not viewing, but gradually gaining upon him. At last they
+broke from scent to view, and presently rolled him over and over among
+them.
+
+'WHO-HOOP!' screamed Mr. Sponge, throwing himself off his horse
+and rushing in amongst them. 'WHO-HOOP!' repeated he, still
+louder, holding the fox up in grim death above the baying pack.
+
+'Who-hoop!' exclaimed Miss Glitters, reining up in delight alongside the
+chestnut. 'Who-hoop!' repeated she, diving into the saddle-pocket for her
+lace-fringed handkerchief.
+
+'Throw me my whip!' cried Mr. Sponge, repelling the attacks of the hounds
+from behind with his heels. Having got it, he threw the fox on the ground,
+and clearing a circle, he off with his brush in an instant. 'Tear him and
+eat him!' cried he, as the pack broke in on the carcass. 'Tear him and eat
+him!' repeated he, as he made his way up to Miss Glitters with the brush,
+exclaiming, 'We'll put this in your hat, alongside the cock's feathers.'
+
+The fair lady leant towards him, and as he adjusted it becomingly in her
+hat, looking at her bewitching eyes, her lovely face, and feeling the sweet
+fragrance of her breath, a something shot through Mr. Sponge's pull-devil,
+pull-baker coat, his corduroy waistcoat, his Eureka shirt, Angola vest, and
+penetrated the very cockles of his heart. He gave her such a series of
+smacking kisses as startled her horse and astonished a poacher who
+happened to be hid in the adjoining hedge.
+
+Sponge was never so happy in his life. He could have stood on his head, or
+been guilty of any sort of extravagance, short of wasting his money. Oh, he
+was happy! Oh, he was joyous! He was intoxicated with pleasure. As he eyed
+his angelic charmer, her lustrous eyes, her glowing cheeks, her pearly
+teeth, the bewitching fulness of her elegant _tournure_, and thought of the
+masterly way she rode the run--above all, of the dashing style in which she
+charged the mill-race--he felt a something quite different to anything he
+had experienced with any of the buxom widows or lackadaisical misses whom
+he could just love or not, according to circumstances, among whom his
+previous experience had lain. Miss Glitters, he knew, had nothing, and yet
+he felt he could not do without her; the puzzlement of his mind was, how
+the deuce they should manage matters--'make tongue and buckle meet,' as he
+elegantly phrased it.
+
+It is pleasant to hear a bachelor's pros and cons on the subject of
+matrimony; how the difficulties of the gentleman out of love vanish or
+change into advantages with the one in--'Oh, I would never think of
+marrying without a couple of thousand a year at the _very least_!' exclaims
+young Fastly. '_I_ can't do without four hunters and a hack. _I_ can't do
+without a valet. _I_ can't do without a brougham. _I_ must belong to
+half-a-dozen clubs. _I'll_ not marry any woman who can't keep me
+comfortable--bachelors can live upon nothing--bachelors are welcome
+everywhere--very different thing with a wife. Frightful things milliners'
+bills--fifty guineas for a dress, twenty for a bonnet--ladies' maids are
+the very devil--never satisfied--far worse to please than their
+mistresses.' And between the whiffs of a cigar he hums the old saw--
+
+    'Needles and pins, needles and pins,
+    When a man marries his sorrow begins.'
+
+Now take him on the other tack--Fast is smitten.
+
+''Ord hang it! a married man can live on very little,' soliloquizes our
+friend. A nice lovely creature to keep one at home. Hunting's all humbug;
+it's only the flash of the thing that makes one follow it. Then the danger
+far more than counterbalances the pleasure. Awful places one has to ride
+over, to be sure, or submit to be called "slow." Horrible thing to set up
+for a horseman, and then have to ride to maintain one's reputation. Will be
+thankful to give it up altogether. The bays will make capital
+carriage-horses, and one can often pick up a second-hand carriage as good
+as new. Shall save no end of money by not having to put "B" to my name in
+the assessed tax-payer. One club's as good as a dozen--will give up the
+Polyanthus and the Sunflower, and the Refuse and the Rag. Ladies' dresses
+are cheap enough. Saw a beautiful gown t'other day for a guinea. Will start
+Master Bergamotte. Does nothing for his wages; will scarce clean my boots.
+Can get a chap for half what I give him, who'll do double the work. Will
+make Beans into coachman. What a convenience to have one's wife's maid to
+sew on one's buttons, and keep one's toes in one's stocking-feet! Declare I
+lose half my things at the washing for want of marking. Hanged if I won't
+marry and be respectable--marriage is an honourable state!' And thereupon
+Tom grows a couple of inches taller in his own conceit.
+
+Though Mr. Sponge's thoughts did not travel in quite such a luxurious
+first-class train as the foregoing, he, Mr. Sponge, being more of a
+two-shirts-and-a-dicky sort of man, yet still the future ways and means
+weighed upon his mind, and calmed the transports of his present joy. Lucy
+was an angel! about that there was no dispute. He would make her Mrs.
+Sponge at all events. Touring about was very expensive. He could only
+counterbalance the extravagance of inns by the rigid rule of giving nothing
+to servants at private houses. He thought a nice airy lodging in the
+suburbs of London would answer every purpose, while his accurate knowledge
+of cab-fares would enable Lucy to continue her engagement at the Royal
+Amphitheatre without incurring the serious overcharges the inexperienced
+are exposed to. 'Where one can dine, two can dine,' mused Mr. Sponge; 'and
+I make no doubt we'll manage matters somehow.'
+
+'Twopence for your thoughts!' cried Lucy, trotting up, and touching him
+gently on the back with her light silver-mounted riding-whip. 'Twopence for
+your thoughts!' repeated she, as Mr. Sponge sauntered leisurely along,
+regardless of the bitter cold, followed by such of the hounds as chose to
+accompany him.
+
+'Ah!' replied he, brightening up; 'I was just thinking what a deuced good
+run we'd had.'
+
+'Indeed!' pouted the fair lady.
+
+'No, my darling; I was thinking what a very pretty girl you are,' rejoined
+he, sidling his horse up, and encircling her neat waist with his arm.
+
+A sweet smile dimpled her plump cheeks, and chased the recollection of the
+former answer away.
+
+It would not be pretty--indeed, we could not pretend to give even the
+outline of the conversation that followed. It was carried on in such broken
+and disjointed sentences, eyes and squeezes doing so much more work than
+words, that even a reporter would have had to draw largely upon his
+imagination for the substance. Suffice it to say that, though the
+thermometer was below zero, they never moved out of a foot's pace; the very
+hounds growing tired of the trail, and slinking off one by one as the
+opportunity occurred.
+
+A dazzling sun was going down with a blood-red glare, and the partially
+softened ground was fast resuming its fretwork of frost, as our hero and
+heroine were seen sauntering up the western avenue to Nonsuch House, as
+slowly and quietly as if it had been the hottest evening in summer.
+
+'Here's old Coppertops!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck, as, turning round in
+the billiard-room to chalk his cue, he espied them crawling along. 'And
+Lucy!' added he as he stood watching them.
+
+'How slowly they come!' observed Bob Spangles, going to the window.
+
+'Must have tired their horses,' suggested Captain Quod.
+
+'Just the sort of man to tire a horse,' rejoined Bob Spangles.
+
+'Hate that Sponge,' observed Captain Cutitfat.
+
+'So do I,' replied Captain Quod.
+
+'Well, never mind the beggar! It's you to play!' exclaimed Bob Spangles to
+Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+But Lady Scattercash, who was observing our friends from her boudoir
+window, saw with a woman's eye that there was something more than a mere
+case of tired horses; and, tripping downstairs, she arrived at the front
+door just as the fair Lucy dropped smilingly from her horse into Mr.
+Sponge's extended arms. Hurrying up into the boudoir, Lucy gave her
+ladyship one of Mr. Sponge's modified kisses, revealing the truth more
+eloquently than words could convey.
+
+'Oh,' Lady Scattercash was '_so_ glad!' '_so_ delighted!' '_so_ charmed!'
+
+Mr. Sponge was _such_ a _nice_ man, and _so rich_. She was sure he was
+rich--couldn't hunt if he wasn't. Would advise Lucy to have a good
+settlement, in case he broke his neck. And pin-money! pin-money was most
+useful! no husband ever let his wife have enough money. Must forget all
+about Harry Dacre and Charley Brown, and the swell in the Blues. Must be
+prudent for the future. Mr. Sponge would never know anything of the past.
+Then she reverted to the interesting subject of settlements. 'What had Mr.
+Sponge got, and what would he do?' This Lucy couldn't tell. 'What! hadn't
+he told her where is estates were?--'No.' 'Well, was his dad dead?' This
+Lucy didn't know either. They had got no further than the tender prop. 'Ah!
+well; would get it all out of him by degrees.' And with the reiteration of
+her 'so glads,' and the repayment of the kiss Lucy had advanced, her
+ladyship advised her to get off her habit and make herself comfortable
+while she ran downstairs to communicate the astonishing intelligence to the
+party below.
+
+'What d'ye think?' exclaimed she, bursting into the billiard-room, where
+the party were still engaged in a game at pool, all our sportsmen, except
+Captain Cutitfat, who still sported his new Moses and Son's scarlet, having
+divested themselves of their hunting-gear--'What d'ye think?' exclaimed
+she, darting into the middle of them.
+
+'That Bob don't cannon?' observed Captain Bouncey from below the bandage
+that encircled his broken head, nodding towards Bob Spangles, who was just
+going to make a stroke.
+
+'That Wax is out of limbo?' suggested Captain Seedeybuck, in the same
+breath.
+
+'No. Guess again!' exclaimed Lady Scattercash, rubbing her hands in high
+glee.
+
+'That the Pope's got a son?' observed Captain Quod.
+
+'No. Guess again!' exclaimed her ladyship, laughing.
+
+'I give it up,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'So do I,' added Captain Seedeybuck.
+
+'_That Mr. Sponge is going to be married_,' enunciated her ladyship, slowly
+and emphatically, waving her arms.
+
+'Ho-o-ray! Only think of that!' exclaimed Captain Quod. 'Old 'hogany-tops
+goin' to be spliced!'
+
+'Did you ever?' asked Bob Spangles.
+
+'No, I _never_,' replied Captain Bouncey.
+
+'He should be called Spooney Sponge, not Soapey Sponge,' observed Captain
+Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, but to whom?' asked Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Ah, to whom indeed! That's the question,' rejoined her ladyship archly.
+
+'I know,' observed Bob Spangles.
+
+'No, you don't.'
+
+'Yes, I do.'
+
+'Who is it, then?' demanded her ladyship.
+
+'Lucy Glitters, to be sure,' replied Bob, who hadn't had his stare out of
+the billiard-room window for nothing.
+
+'Pity her,' observed Bouncey, sprawling along the billiard-table to play
+for a cannon.
+
+'Why?' asked Lady Scattercash.
+
+'Reg'lar scamp,' replied Bouncey, vexed at missing his stroke.
+
+'Dare say you know nothing about him,' snapped her ladyship.
+
+'Don't I?' replied Bouncey complacently; adding, 'that's all you know.'
+
+'He'll whop her, to a certainty,' observed Seedeybuck.
+
+'What makes you think that?' asked her ladyship.
+
+'Oh--ha--hem--haw--why, because he whopped his poor horse--whopped him over
+the ears. Whop his horse, whop his wife; whop his wife, whop his horse.
+Reg'lar Rule-of-three sum.'
+
+'Make her a bad husband, I dare say,' observed Bob Spangles, who was rather
+smitten with Lucy himself.
+
+'Never mind; a bad husband's a deal better than none, Bob,' replied Lady
+Scattercash, determined not to be put out of conceit of her man.
+
+'He, he, he!--haw, haw, haw!--ho, ho, ho! Well done you!' laughed several.
+
+'She'll have to keep him,' observed Captain Cutitfat, whose turn it now was
+to play.
+
+'What makes you think that?' asked Lady Scattercash, coming again to the
+charge.
+
+'He has nothing,' replied Fat coolly.
+
+''Deed, but he has--a very good property, too,' replied her ladyship.
+
+'In _Air_shire, I should think,' rejoined Fat.
+
+'No, in Englandshire,' retorted her ladyship: 'and great expectations from
+an uncle,' added she.
+
+'Ah--he looks like a man to be on good terms with his uncle,' sneered
+Captain Bouncey.
+
+'Make no doubt he pays him many a visit,' observed Seedeybuck.
+
+'Indeed! that's all you know,' snapped Lady Scattercash.
+
+'It's not all I know,' replied Seedeybuck.
+
+'Well, then, what else do you know?' asked she.
+
+'I know he has nothing,' replied Seedey.
+
+'How do you know it?'
+
+'I _know_,' said Seedey, with an emphasis, now settling to his stroke.
+
+'Well, never mind,' retorted her ladyship; 'if he has nothing, she has
+nothing, and nothing can be nicer.'
+
+So saying, she hurried out of the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVI
+
+MR. SPONGE AT HOME
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sponge was most warmly congratulated by Sir Harry and all the assembled
+captains, who inwardly hoped his marriage would have the effect of
+'snuffing him out,' as they said, and they had a most glorious
+jollification on the strength of it. They drank Lucy's and his health nine
+times over, with nine times nine each time. The consequence was, that the
+footmen and shutter were in earlier requisition than usual to carry them to
+their respective apartments. Sponge's head throbbed a good deal the next
+morning; nor was the pulsation abated by the recollection of his
+matrimonial engagement, and his total inability to keep the angel who had
+ridden herself into his affections. However, like all untried men, he was
+strong in the confidence of his own ability, and the sight of his smiling
+charmer chased away all prudential considerations as quickly as they arose.
+He made no doubt there would something turn up.
+
+Meanwhile, he was in good quarters, and Lady Scattercash having warmly
+espoused his cause, he assumed a considerable standing in the
+establishment. Old Beardey having ventured to complain of his interference
+in the kennel, my lady curtly told him he might 'make himself scarce if he
+liked'; a step that Beardey was quite ready to take, having heard of a
+desirable public-house at Newington Butts, provided Sir Harry paid him his
+wages. This not being quite convenient, Sir Harry gave him an order on
+'Cabbage and Co.' for three suits of clothes, and acquiesced in his taking
+a massive silver soup-tureen, on which, beneath the many quartered
+Scattercash arms, Mr. Watchorn placed an inscription, stating that it was
+presented to him by Sir Harry Scattercash, Baronet, and the noblemen and
+gentlemen of his hunt, in admiration of his talents as a huntsman and his
+character as a man.
+
+Mr. Sponge then became still more at home. It was very soon 'my hounds,'
+and 'my horses,' and 'my whips'; and he wrote to Jawleyford, and
+Puffington, and Guano, and Lumpleg, and Washball, and Spraggon, offering to
+make meets to suit their convenience, and even to mount them if required.
+His _Mogg_ was quite neglected in favour of Lucy; and it says much for the
+influence of female charms that, before they had been engaged a fortnight,
+he, who had been a perfect oracle in cab fares, would have been puzzled to
+tell the most ordinary fare on the most frequented route. He had forgotten
+all about them. Nevertheless, Lucy and he went out hunting as often as they
+could raise hounds, and when they had a good run and killed, he saluted
+her; and when they didn't kill, why--he just did the same. He headed and
+tailed the stringing pack, drafted the skirters and babblers (which he sent
+to Lord Scamperdale, with his compliments), and presently had the uneven
+kennel in something like shape.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nor was this the only way in which he made himself useful, for Nonsuch
+House being now supported almost entirely by voluntary contributions--that
+is to say, by the gullibility of tradesmen--his street and shop knowledge
+was valuable in determining who to 'do.' With the Post Office Directory and
+Mr. Sponge at his elbow, Mr. Bottleends, the butler--'delirius tremendous,'
+as Bottleends called it, having quite incapacitated Sir Harry--wrote off
+for champagne from this man, sherry from that, turtle from a third, turbot
+from a fourth, tea from a fifth, truffles from a sixth, wax-lights from
+one, sperm from another; and down came the things with such alacrity, such
+thanks for the past and hopes for the future, as we poor devils of the
+untitled world are quite unacquainted with. Nay, not content with giving
+him the goods, many of the poor demented creatures actually paraded their
+folly at their doors in new deal packing-cases, flourishingly directed
+'TO SIR HARRY SCATTERCASH, BART., NONSUCH HOUSE, &c. _By Express
+Train_.' In some cases they even paid the carriage.
+
+And here, in the midst of love, luxury, and fox-hunting, let us for a time
+leave our enterprising friend, Mr. Sponge, while we take a look at a
+species of cruelty that some people call 'sport.' For this purpose we will
+begin a fresh chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVII
+
+HOW THEY GOT UP THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC STEEPLE-CHASE'
+
+
+There is no saying what advantages railway communication may confer upon a
+country. But for the Granddiddle Junction, ----shire never would have had a
+steeple-chase--an 'Aristocratic,' at least--for it is observable that the
+more snobbish a thing is, the more certain they are to call it
+aristocratic. When it is too bad for anything, they call it 'Grand.' Well,
+as we said before, but for the Granddiddle Junction, ----shire would never
+have had a 'Grand Aristocratic Steeple-Chase.' A few friends or farmers
+might have got up a quiet thing among themselves, but it would never have
+seen a regular trade transaction, with its swell mob, sham captains, and
+all the paraphernalia of odd laying, 'secret tips,' and market rigging. Who
+will deny the benefit that must accrue to any locality by the infusion of
+all the loose fish of the kingdom?
+
+Formerly the prize-fights were the perquisite of the publicans. They it was
+who arranged for Shaggy Tom to pound Harry Billy's nob upon So-and-so's
+land, the preference being given to the locality that subscribed the most
+money to the fight. Since the decline of 'the ring,' steeple-chasing, and
+that still smaller grade of gambling--coursing, have come to their aid.
+Nine-tenths of the steeple-chasing and coursing-matches are got up by
+inn-keepers, for the good of their houses. Some of the town publicans,
+indeed, seem to think that the country was just made for their matches to
+come off in, and scarcely condescend to ask the leave of the landowners.
+
+We saw an advertisement the other day, where a low publican, in a
+manufacturing town, assured the subscribers to his coursing-club that he
+would take care to select open ground, with 'plenty of stout hares,' as if
+all the estates in the neighbourhood were at his command. Another
+advertised a steeple-chase in the centre of a good hunting
+country--'amateur and gentleman riders'--with a half-crown ordinary at the
+end! Fancy the respectability of a steeple-chase, with a half-crown
+ordinary at the end!
+
+Our 'Aristocratic' was got up on the good-of-the-house principle. Whatever
+benefit the Granddiddle Junction conferred upon the country at large, it
+had a very prejudicial effect upon the Old Duke of Cumberland Hotel and
+Posting House, which it left, high and dry, at an angle sufficiently near
+to be tantalized by the whirr and the whistle of the trains, and yet too
+far off to be benefited by the parties they brought. This once
+well-accustomed hostelry was kept by one Mr. Viney, a former butler in the
+Scattercash family, and who still retained the usual 'old and faithful
+servant' _entree_ of Nonsuch House, having his beefsteak and bottle of wine
+in the steward's room whenever he chose to call. Viney had done good at the
+Old Duke of Cumberland; and no one, seeing him 'full fig,' would recognize,
+in the solemn grandeur of his stately person, the dirty knife-boy who had
+filled the place now occupied by the still dirtier Slarkey. But the days of
+road travelling departed, and Viney, who, beneath the Grecian-columned
+portico of his country-house-looking hotel, modulated the ovations of his
+cauliflower head to every description of traveller--from the lordly
+occupant of the barouche-and-four, down to the humble sitter in a gig--was
+cut off by one fell swoop from all further traffic. He was extinguished
+like a gaslight, and the pipe was laid on a fresh line.
+
+Fortunately Mr. Viney was pretty warm; he had done pretty well; and having
+enjoyed the intimacy of the great 'Jeames' of railway times, had got a hint
+not to engage the hotel beyond the opening of the line. Consequently, he
+now had the great house for a mere nothing until such times as the owner
+could convert it into that last refuge for deserted houses--an academy, or
+a 'young ladies' seminary.' Mr. Viney now, having plenty of leisure,
+frequently drove his 'missis' (once a lady's maid in a quality family) up
+to Nonsuch House, as well for the sake of the airing--for the road was
+pleasant and picturesque--as to see if he could get the 'little trifle' Sir
+Harry owed him for post-horses, bottles of soda-water, and such trifles as
+country gentlemen run up scores for at their posting-houses--scores that
+seldom get smaller by standing. In these excursions Mr. Viney made the
+acquaintance of Mr. Watchorn; and a huntsman being a character with whom
+even the landlord of an inn--we beg pardon, hotel and posting-house--may
+associate without degradation, Viney and Watchorn became intimate. Watchorn
+sympathized with Viney, and never failed to take a glass in passing, either
+at exercise or out hunting, to deplore that such a nice-looking house, so
+'near the station, too,' should be ruined as an inn. It was after a more
+than usual libation that Watchorn, trotting merrily along with the hounds,
+having accomplished three blank days in succession, asked himself, as he
+looked upon the surrounding vale from the rising ground of Hammercock Hill,
+with the cream-coloured station and the rose-coloured hotel peeping through
+the trees, whether something might not be done to give the latter a lift.
+At first he thought of a pigeon match--a sweepstake open to all
+England--fifty members say, at two pound ten each, seven pigeons, seven
+sparrows, twenty-one yards rise, two ounces of shot, and so on. But then,
+again, he thought there would be a difficulty in getting guns. A coursing
+match--how would that do? Answer: 'No hares.' The farmers had made such an
+outcry about the game, that the landowners had shot them all off, and now
+the farmers were grumbling that they couldn't get a course.
+
+'Dash my buttons!' exclaimed Watchorn; 'it would be the very thing for a
+steeple-chase! There's old Puff's hounds, and old Scamp's hounds, and these
+hounds,' looking down on the ill-sorted lot around him; 'and the deuce is
+in it if we couldn't give the thing such a start as would bring down the
+lads of the "village," and a vast amount of good business might be done.
+I'm dashed if it isn't the very country for a steeple-chase!' continued
+Watchorn, casting his eye over Cloverly Park, round the enclosure of
+Langworth Grange, and up the rising ground of Lark Lodge.
+
+The more Watchorn thought of it, the more he was satisfied of its
+feasibility, and he trotted over, the next day, to the Old Duke of
+Cumberland, to see his friend on the subject. Viney, like most victuallers,
+was more given to games of skill--billiards, shuttlecock, skittles,
+dominoes, and so on--than to the rude out-of-door chances of flood and
+field, and at first he doubted his ability to grapple with the details; but
+on Mr. Watchorn's assurance that he would keep him straight, he gave Mrs.
+Viney a key, desiring her to go into the inner cellar, and bring out a
+bottle of the green seal. This was ninety-shilling sherry--very good stuff
+to take; and, by the time they got into the second bottle, they had got
+into the middle of the scheme too. Viney was cautious and thoughtful. He
+had a high opinion of Watchorn's sagacity, and so long as Watchorn confined
+himself to weights, and stakes, and forfeits, and so on, he was content to
+leave himself in the hands of the huntsman; but when Watchorn came to talk
+of 'stewards,' putting this person and that together, Viney's experience
+came in aid. Viney knew a good deal. He had not stood twisting a napkin
+negligently before a plate-loaded sideboard without picking up a good many
+waifs and strays in the shape of those ins and outs, those likings and
+dislikings, those hatreds and jealousies, that foolish people let fall so
+freely before servants, as if for all the world the servants were
+sideboards themselves; and he had kept up his stock of service-gained
+knowledge by a liberal, though not a dignity-compromising intercourse--for
+there is no greater aristocrat than your out-of-livery servant--among the
+upper servants of all the families in the neighbourhood, so that he knew to
+a nicety who would pull together, and who wouldn't, whose name it would not
+do to mention to this person, and who it would not do to apply to before
+that.
+
+Neither Watchorn nor Viney being sportsmen, they thought they had nothing
+to do but apply to two friends who were; and after thinking over who hunted
+in couples, they were unfortunate enough to select our Flat Hat friends,
+Fyle and Fossick. Fyle was indignant beyond measure at being asked to be
+steward to a steeple-chase, and thrust the application into the fire; while
+Fossick just wrote below, 'I'll see you hanged first,' and sent it back
+without putting even a fresh head on the envelope. Nothing daunted,
+however, they returned to the charge, and without troubling the reader with
+unnecessary detail, we think it will be generally admitted that they at
+length made an excellent selection in Mr. Puffington, Guano, and Tom
+Washball.
+
+[Illustration: MR. VINEY AND MR. WATCHORN GETTING UP 'THE GRAND
+ARISTOCRATIC']
+
+Fortune favoured them also in getting a locality to run in, for Timothy
+Scourgefield, of Broom Hill, whose farm commanded a good circular three
+miles of country, with every variety of obstacle, having thrown up his
+lease for a thirty-per-cent reduction--a giving up that had been most
+unhandsomely accepted by his landlord--Timothy was most anxious to pay him
+off by doing every conceivable injury to the farm, than which nothing can
+be more promising than having a steeple-chase run over it. Scourgefield,
+therefore, readily agreed to let Viney and Watchorn do whatever they liked,
+on condition that he received entrance-money at the gate.
+
+The name occupied their attention some time, for it did not begin as the
+'Aristocratic.' The 'Great National,' the 'Grand Naval and Military,' the
+'Sports-man,' the 'Talli-ho,' the 'Out-and-Outer,' the 'Swell,' were all
+considered and canvassed, and its being called the 'Aristocratic' at length
+turned upon whether they got Lord Scamperdale to subscribe or not. This was
+accomplished by a deferential call by Mr. Viney upon Mr. Spraggon, with a
+little bill for three pound odd, which he presented, with the most urgent
+request that Jack wouldn't think of it then--any time that was most
+convenient to Mr. Spraggon--and then the introduction of the neatly-headed
+sheet-list. It was lucky that Viney was so easily satisfied, for poor Jack
+had only thirty shillings, of which he owed his washerwoman eight, and he
+was very glad to stuff Viney's bill into his stunner jacket-pocket, and
+apply himself exclusively to the contemplated steeple-chase.
+
+Like most of us, Jack had no objection to make a little money; and as he
+squinted his frightful eyes inside out at the paper, he thought over what
+horses they had in the stable that were like the thing; and then he sounded
+Viney as to whether he would put him one up for nothing, if he could induce
+his lordship to send. This, of course, Viney readily assented to, and again
+requesting Jack not to _think_ of his little bill till it was _perfectly_
+convenient to him--a favour that Jack was pretty sure to accord him--Mr.
+Viney took his departure, Jack undertaking to write him the result. The
+next day's post brought Viney the document--unpaid, of course--with a great
+'Scamperdale' scrawled across the top; and forthwith it was decided that
+the steeple-chase should be called the 'Grand Aristocratic.' Other names
+quickly followed, and it soon assumed an importance. Advertisements
+appeared in all the sporting and would-be sporting papers, headed with the
+imposing names of the stewards, secretary, and clerk of the course, Mr.
+Viney. The 'Grand Aristocratic Stakes,' of 20 sovs. each, half-forfeit, and
+L5 only if declared, &c. The winner to give two dozen of champagne to the
+ordinary, and the second horse to save his stake. Gentlemen riders (titled
+ones to be allowed 3 lb.). Over about three miles of fine hunting country,
+under the usual steeple-chase conditions.
+
+Then the game of the 'Peeping Toms,' and 'Sly Sams,' and 'Infallible Joes,'
+and 'Wideawake Jems,' with their tips and distribution of prints began; Tom
+counselling his numerous and daily increasing clients to get well on to No.
+9, Sardanapalus (the Bart., as Watchorn called him), while 'Infallible Joe'
+recommended his friends and patrons to be sweet on No. 6 (Hercules), and
+'Wide-awake Jem' was all for something else. A gentleman who took the
+trouble of getting tips from half a dozen of them, found that no two of
+them agreed in any particular. What information to make books upon!
+
+'But what good,' as our excellent friend Thackeray eloquently asks, 'ever
+came out of, or went into, a betting book? If I could be CALIPH
+OMAR for a week,' says he, 'I would pitch every one of those
+despicable manuscripts into the flames; from my-lord's, who is "in" with
+Jack Snaffle's stable, and is overreaching worse-informed rogues, and
+swindling greenhorns, down to Sam's, the butcher's boy, who books
+eighteen-penny odds in the tap-room, and stands to win five-and-twenty
+bob.' We say ditto to that, and are not sure that we wouldn't hang a 'leg'
+or a 'list' man or two into the bargain.
+
+Watchorn had a prophet of his own, one Enoch Wriggle, who, having tried his
+hand unsuccessfully first at tailoring, next as an accountant, then in the
+watercress, afterwards in the buy ''at-box, bonnet-box,' and lastly in the
+stale lobster and periwinkle line, had set up as an oracle on turf matters,
+forwarding the most accurate and infallible information to flats in
+exchange for half-crowns, heading his advertisements, 'If it be a sin to
+covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive!' Enoch did a considerable
+stroke of business, and couched his advice in such dubious terms, as
+generally to be able to claim a victory whichever way the thing went. So
+the 'offending soul' prospered; and from scarcely having shoes to his feet,
+he very soon set up a gig.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXVIII
+
+HOW THE 'GRAND ARISTOCRATIC' CAME OFF
+
+
+Steeple-chases are generally crude, ill-arranged things. Few sportsmen will
+act as stewards a second time; while the victim to the popular delusion of
+patronizing our 'national sports' considers--like gentlemen who have served
+the office of sheriff, or church-warden--that once in a lifetime is enough;
+hence, there is always the air of amateur actorship about them. There is
+always something wanting or forgotten. Either they forget the ropes, or
+they forget the scales, or they forget the weights, or they forget the
+bell, or--more commonly still--some of the parties forget themselves.
+Farmers, too, are easily satisfied with the benefits of an irresponsible
+mob careering over their farms, even though some of them are attired in the
+miscellaneous garb of hunting and racing costume. Indeed, it is just this
+mixture of two sports that spoils both; steeple-chasing being neither
+hunting nor racing. It has not the wild excitement of the one, nor the
+accurate calculating qualities of the other. The very horses have a
+peculiar air about them--neither hunters nor hacks, nor yet exactly
+race-horses. Some of them, doubtless, are fine, good-looking,
+well-conditioned animals; but the majority are lean, lathy, sunken-eyed,
+woe-begone, iron-marked, desperately-abused brutes, lacking all the lively
+energy that characterizes the movements of the up-to-the-mark hunter. In
+the early days of steeple-chasing a popular fiction existed that the horses
+were hunters; and grooms and fellows used to come nicking and grinning up
+to masters of hounds at checks and critical times, requesting them to note
+that they were out, in order to ask for certificates of the horses having
+been 'regularly hunted'--a species of regularity than which nothing could
+be more irregular. That nuisance, thank goodness, is abated. A
+steeple-chaser now generally stands on his own merits; a change for which
+sportsmen may be thankful.
+
+But to our story.
+
+The whole country was in a commotion about this 'Aristocratic'. The
+unsophisticated looked upon it as a grand _reunion_ of the aristocracy; and
+smart bonnets and cloaks, and jackets and parasols were ordered with the
+liberality incident to a distant view of Christmas. As Viney sipped his
+sherry-cobler of an evening, he laughed at the idea of a
+son-of-a-day-labourer like himself raising such a dust. Letters came
+pouring in to the clerk of the course from all quarters; some asking about
+beds; some about breakfasts; some about stakes; some about stables; some
+about this thing, some about that. Every room in the Old Duke of Cumberland
+was speedily bespoke. Post-horses rose in price, and Dobbin and Smiler, and
+Jumper and Cappy, and Jessy and Tumbler were jobbed from the neighbouring
+farmers, and converted for the occasion into posters. At last came the
+great and important day--day big with the fate of thousands of pounds; for
+the betting-list vermin had been plying their trade briskly throughout the
+kingdom, and all sorts of rumours had been raised relative to the qualities
+and conditions of the horses.
+
+Who doesn't know the chilling feel of an English spring, or rather of a day
+at the turn of the year before there is any spring? Our gala-day was a
+perfect specimen of the order--a white frost succeeded by a bright sun,
+with an east wind, warming one side of the face and starving the other. It
+was neither a day for fishing, nor hunting, nor coursing, nor anything but
+farming. The country, save where there were a few lingering patches of
+turnips, was all one dingy drab, with abundant scalds on the undrained
+fallows. The grass was more like hemp than anything else. The very rushes
+were yellow and sickly.
+
+Long before midday the whole country was in commotion. The same sort of
+people commingled that one would expect to see if there was a balloon to go
+up, and a man to go down, or be hung at the same place. Fine ladies in all
+the colours of the rainbow; and swarthy, beady-eyed dames, with their
+stalwart, big-calved, basket-carrying comrades; gentle young people from
+behind the counter; Dandy Candy merchants from behind the hedge;
+rough-coated dandies with their silver-mounted whips; and Shaggyford
+roughs, in their baggy, poacher-like coats, and formidable clubs; carriages
+and four, and carriages and pairs; and gigs and dog-carts, and
+Whitechapels, and Newport Pagnels, and long carts, and short carts, and
+donkey carts, converged from all quarters upon the point of attraction at
+Broom Hill.
+
+If Farmer Scourgefield had made a mob, he could not have got one that would
+be more likely to do damage to his farm than this steeple-chase one. Nor
+was the assemblage confined to the people of the country, for the
+Granddiddle Junction, by its connection with the great network of railways,
+enabled all patrons of this truly national sport to sweep down upon the
+spot like flocks of wolves; and train after train disgorged a generous
+mixture of sharps and flats, commingling with coatless, baggy-breeched
+vagabonds, the emissaries most likely of the Peeping Toms and Infallible
+Joes, if not the worthies themselves.
+
+'Dear, but it's a noble sight!' exclaimed Viney to Watchorn as they sat on
+their horses, below a rickety green-baize-covered scaffold, labelled,
+'GRAND STAND; admission, Two-and-sixpence,' raised against Scourgefield's
+stack-yard wall, eyeing the population pouring in from all parts. 'Dear,
+but it's a noble sight!' said he, shading the sun from his eyes, and
+endeavouring to identify the different vehicles in the distance. 'Yonder's
+the 'bus comin' again,' said he, looking towards the station, 'loaded like
+a market-gardener's turnip-waggon. That'll pay,' added he, with a knowing
+leer at the landlord of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. 'And who have we
+here, with the four horses and sky-blue flunkeys? Jawleyford, as I live!'
+added he, answering himself; adding, 'The beggar had better pay me what he
+owes.'
+
+How great Mr. Viney was! Some people, who have never had anything to do
+with horses, think it incumbent upon them, when they have, to sport
+top-boots, and accordingly, for the first time in his life, Viney appears
+in a pair of remarkably hard, tight, country-made boots, above which are a
+pair of baggy white cords, with the dirty finger-marks of the tailor still
+upon them. He sports a single-breasted green cutaway coat, with
+basket-buttons, a black satin roll-collared waistcoat, and a new white silk
+hat, that shines in the bright sun like a fish-kettle. His blue-striped
+kerchief is secured by a butterfly brooch. Who ever saw an innkeeper that
+could resist a brooch?
+
+He is riding a miserable rat of a badly clipped, mouse-coloured pony that
+looks like a velocipede under him.
+
+His companion, Mr. Watchorn, is very great, and hardly condescends to know
+the country people who claim his acquaintance as a huntsman. He is a Hotel
+Keeper--master of the Hen Angel, Newington Butts. Enoch Wriggle stands
+beside them, dressed in the imposing style of a cockney sportsman. He has
+been puffing 'Sir Danapalus (the Bart.)' in public, and taking all the odds
+he can get against him in private. Watchorn knows that it is easier to make
+a horse lose than win. The restless-looking, lynx-eyed caitiff, in the
+dirty green shawl, with his hands stuffed into the front pockets of the
+brown tarriar coat, is their jockey, the renowned Captain Hangallows; he
+answers to the name of Sam Slick in Mr. Spavin the horse-dealer's yard in
+Oxford Street, when not in the country on similar excursions to the
+present. And now in the throng on the principal line are two conspicuous
+horses--a piebald and a white--carrying Mr. Sponge and Lucy Glitters. Lucy
+appears as she did on the frosty-day hunt, glowing with health and beauty,
+and rather straining the seams of Lady Scattercash's habit with the
+additional _embonpoint_ she has acquired by early hours in the country. She
+has made Mr. Sponge a white silk jacket to ride in, which he has on under
+his grey tarriar coat, and a cap of the same colour is in his hard hat. He
+has discarded the gosling-green cords for cream-coloured leathers, and, to
+please Lucy, has actually substituted a pair of rose-tinted tops for the
+'hogany bouts'. Altogether he is a great swell, and very like the
+bridegroom.
+
+But hark--what a crash! The leaders of Sir Harry Scattercash's drag start
+at a blind fiddler's dog stationed at the gate leading into the fields, a
+wheel catches the post, and in an instant the sham captains are scattered
+about the road: Bouncey on his head, Seedeyhuck across the wheelers, Quod
+on his back, and Sir Harry astride the gate. Meanwhile, the old fiddler,
+regardless of the shouts of the men and the shrieks of the ladies, scrapes
+away with the appropriate tune of 'The Devil among the Tailors!' A rush to
+the horses' heads arrests further mischief, the dislodged captains are at
+length righted, the nerves of the ladies composed, and Sir Harry once more
+essays to drive them up the hill to the stand. That feat being
+accomplished, then came the unloading, and consternation, and huddling of
+the tight-laced occupants at the idea of these female _women_ coming
+amongst them, and the usual peeping and spying, and eyeing of the
+'_creatures_.' 'What impudence!' 'Well, I think!' ''Pon my word!' 'What
+next!'--exclamations that were pretty well lost upon the fair objects of
+them amid the noise and flutter and confusion of the scene. But hark again!
+What's up now?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Hooray!' 'hooray!' 'h-o-o-o-ray!' 'Three cheers for the Squire!
+H-o-o-o-ray!' Old Puff as we live! The 'amazin' instance of a pop'lar man'
+greeted by the Swillingford snobs. The old frost-bitten dandy is flattered
+by the cheers, and bows condescendingly ere he alights from the
+well-appointed mail phaeton. See how graciously the ladies receive him, as,
+having ascended the stairs, he appears among them. 'A man is never too old
+to marry' is their maxim.
+
+The cry is still, 'They come! they come!' See at a hand-gallop, with his
+bay pony in a white lather, rides Pacey, grinning from ear to ear, with his
+red-backed betting-book peeping out of the breast pocket of his brown
+cutaway. He is staring and gaping to see who is looking at him.
+
+Pacey has made such a book as none but a wooden-headed boy like himself
+could make. He has been surfeited with tips. Peeping Tom had advised him to
+back Daddy Longlegs; and, _nullus error_, Sneaking Joe has counselled him
+that the 'Baronet' will be 'California without cholera, and gold without
+danger'; while Jemmy something, the jockey, who advertises that his 'tongue
+is not for falsehood framed,' though we should think it was framed for
+nothing else, has urged him to back Parvo to half the amount of the
+national debt.
+
+Altogether, Pacey has made such a mess that he cannot possibly win, and may
+lose almost any sum from a thousand pounds down to a hundred and eighty.
+Mr. Sponge has got well on with him, through the medium of Jack Spraggon.
+
+Pacey is now going to what he calls 'compare'--see that he has got his bets
+booked right; and, throwing his right leg over his cob's neck, he blobs on
+to the ground; and, leaving the pony to take care of itself, disappears in
+the crowd.
+
+What a hubbub! what roarings, and shoutings, and recognizings! 'Bless my
+heart! who'd have thought of seeing you?' and, 'By jingo! what's sent _you_
+here?'
+
+'My dear Waffles,' cries Jawleyford, rushing up to our Laverick Wells
+friend (who is looking very debauched), 'I'm overjoyed to see you. Do come
+upstairs and see Mrs. Jawleyford and the dear girls. It was only last
+night we were talking about you.' And so Jawleyford hurries Mr. Waffles
+off, just as Waffles is _in extremis_ about his horse.
+
+Looking around the scene there seems to be everybody that we have had the
+pleasure of introducing to the reader in the course of Mr. Sponge's Tour.
+Mr. and Mrs. Springwheat in their dog-cart, Mrs. Springey's figure looking
+as though 'wheat had got above forty, my lord'; old Jog and his handsome
+wife in the ugly old phaeton, well garnished with children, and a couple of
+sticks in the rough peeping out of the apron, Gustavus James held up in his
+mother's arms, with the curly blue feather nodding over his nose. There is
+also Farmer Peastraw, and faces that a patient inspection enables us to
+appropriate to Dribble, and Hook, and Capon, and Calcot, and Lumpleg, and
+Crane of Crane Hall, and Charley Slapp of red-coat times--people look so
+different in plain clothes to what they do in hunting ones. Here, too, is
+George Cheek, running down with perspiration, having run over from Dr.
+Latherington's, for which he will most likely 'catch it' when he gets back;
+and oh, wonder of wonders, here's Robert Foozle himself!
+
+'Well, Robert, you've come to the steeple-chase?'
+
+'Yes, I've come to the steeple-chase.'
+
+'Are you fond of steeple-chases?'
+
+'Yes, I'm fond of steeple-chases.'
+
+'I dare say you never were at one before,' observes his mother.
+
+'No, I never was at one before,' replies Robert.
+
+And though last not least, here's Facey Romford, with his arm in a sling,
+on Mr. Hobler, come to look after that sivin-p'und-ten, which we wish he
+may get.
+
+Hark! there's a row below the stand, and Viney is seen in a state of
+excitement inquiring for Mr. Washball. Pacey has objected to a gentleman
+rider, and Guano and Puffington have differed on the point. A nice, slim,
+well-put-on lad (Buckram's rough rider) has come to the scales and claimed
+to be allowed 3 lb. as the Honourable Captain Boville. Finding the point
+questioned, he abandons the 'handle', and sinks into plain Captain Boville.
+Pacey now objects to him altogether. 'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir; s-c-e-u-s-e me,
+sir,' simpers our friend Dick Bragg, sidling up to the objector with a sort
+of tendency of his turn-back-wristed hand to his hat. 'S-c-e-u-s-e me, sir;
+s-c-e-u-s-e me,' repeats he, 'but I think you was wrong, sir, in objecting
+to Captain Boville, sir, as a gen'l'man rider, sir.'
+
+'Why?' demands Pacey, in the full flush of victory.
+
+'Oh, sir--because, sir--in fact, sir--he _is_ a gen'l'man, sir.'
+
+'_Is_ a gentleman! How do _you_ know?' demands Pacey, in the same tone as
+before.
+
+'Oh, sir, he's a gen'l'man--an undoubted gen'l'man. Everything about him
+shows that. Does nothing--breeches by Anderson--boots by Bartley; besides
+which, he drinks wine every day, and has a whole box of cigars in his
+bedroom. But don't take my word for it, pray,' continued Bragg, seeing
+Pacey was wavering; 'don't take my word for it, pray. There's a gen'l'man,
+a countryman of his, somewhere about,' added he, looking anxiously into the
+surrounding crowd--there's a gen'l'man, a countryman of his, somewhere
+about, if we could but find him,' Bragg standing on his tiptoes, and
+exclaiming, 'Mr. Buckram! Mr. Buckram! Has anybody seen anything of Mr.
+Buckram!'
+
+'Here!' replied a meek voice from behind; upon which there was an elbowing
+through the crowd, and presently a most respectable, rosy-gilled,
+grey-haired, hawbuck-looking man, attired in a new brown cutaway, with
+bright buttons and a velvet collar, with a buff waistcoat, came twirling an
+ash-stick in one hand, and fumbling the silver in his drab trousers' pocket
+with the other, in front of the bystanders.
+
+'Oh! 'ere he is!' exclaimed Bragg, appealing to the stranger with a hasty
+'_You_ know Captain Boville, don't you?'
+
+'Why, now, as to the matter of that,' replied the gentleman, gathering all
+the loose silver up into his hand and speaking very slowly, just as a
+country gentleman, who has all the live-long day to do nothing in, may be
+supposed to speak--' Why, now, as to the matter of that,' said he, eyeing
+Pacey intently, and beginning to drop the silver slowly as he spoke, 'I
+can't say that I've any very 'ticklar 'quaintance with the captin. I knows
+him, in course, just as one knows a neighbour's son. The captin's a good
+deal younger nor me,' continued he, raising his new eight-and-sixpenny
+Parisian, as if to show his sandy grey hair. 'I'm a'most sixty; and he, I
+dare say, is little more nor twenty,' dropping a half-crown as he said it.
+'But the captin's a nice young gent--a nice young gent, without any
+blandishment, I should say; and that's more nor one can say of all young
+gents nowadays,' said Buckram, looking at Pacey as he spoke, and dropping
+two consecutive half-crowns.
+
+'Why, but you live near him, don't you?' interrupted Bragg.
+
+'Near him,' repeated Buckram, feeling his well-shaven chin thoughtfully.
+'Why, yes--that's to say, near his dad. The fact is,' continued he, 'I've a
+little independence of my own,' dropping a heavy five-shilling piece as he
+said it,' and his father--old Bo, as I call him--adjoins me; and if either
+of us 'appen to have a _battue_, or a 'aunch of wenzun, and a few friends,
+we inwite each other, and wicey wersey, you know,' letting off a lot of
+shillings and sixpences. And just at the moment the blind fiddler struck up
+'The Devil among the Tailors,' when the shouts and laughter of the mob
+closed the scene.
+
+And now gentlemen, who heretofore have shown no more of the jockey than
+Cinderella's feet in the early part of the pantomime disclose of her ball
+attire, suddenly cast off the pea-jackets and bearskin wraps, and shawls
+and overcoats of winter, and shine forth in all the silken flutter of
+summer heat.
+
+We know of no more humiliating sight than misshapen gentlemen playing at
+jockeys. Playing at soldiers is bad enough, but playing at jockeys is
+infinitely worse--above all, playing at steeple-chase jockeys, combining,
+as they generally do, all the worst features of the hunting-field and
+racecourse--unsympathizing boots and breeches, dirty jackets that never
+fit, and caps that won't keep on. What a farce to see the great bulky
+fellows go to scale with their saddles strapped to their backs, as if to
+illustrate the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding
+plate!
+
+But the weighed-in ones are mounting. See, there's Jack Spraggon getting a
+hoist on to Daddy Longlegs! Did ever mortal see such a man for a jockey? He
+has cut off the laps of a stunner tartan jacket, and looks like a great
+backgammon-board. He has got his head into an old gold-banded military
+foraging-cap, which comes down almost on to the rims of his great
+tortoise-shell spectacles. Lord Scamperdale stands with his hand on the
+horse's mane, talking earnestly to Jack, doubtless giving him his final
+instructions. Other jockeys emerge from various parts of the
+farm-buildings; some out of stables; some out of cow-houses; others from
+beneath cart-sheds. The scene becomes enlivened with the varied colours of
+the riders--red, yellow, green, blue, violet, and stripes without end. Then
+comes the usual difficulty of identifying the parties, many of whose
+mothers wouldn't know them.
+
+'That's Captain Tongs,' observes Miss Simperley, 'in the blue. I remember
+dancing with him at Bath, and he did nothing but talk about
+steeple-chasing.'
+
+'And who's that in yellow?' asks Miss Hardy.
+
+'That's Captain Gander,' replies the gentleman on her left.
+
+'Well, I think he'll win,' replies the lady.
+
+'I'll bet you a pair of gloves he doesn't,' snaps Miss Moore, who fancies
+Captain Pusher, in the pink.
+
+'What a squat little jockey!' exclaims Miss Hamilton, as a little dumpling
+of a man in Lincoln green is led past the stand on a fine bay horse, some
+one recognizing the rider as our old friend Caingey Thornton.
+
+'And look who comes here?' whispers Miss Jawleyford to her sister, as Mr.
+Sponge, having accomplished a mount without derangement of temper, rides
+Hercules quietly past the stand, his whip-hand resting on his thigh, and
+his head turned to his fair companion on the white.
+
+'Oh, the wretch!' sneers Miss Amelia; and the fair sisters look at Lucy and
+then at him with the utmost disgust.
+
+Mr. Sponge may now be doubled up by half a dozen falls ere either of them
+would suggest the propriety of having him bled.
+
+Lucy's cheeks are rather blanched with the 'pale cast of thought,' for she
+is not sufficiently initiated in the mysteries of steeple-chasing to know
+that it is often quite as good for a man to lose as to win, which it had
+just been quietly arranged between Sponge and Buckram should be the case on
+this occasion, Buckram having got uncommonly 'well on' to the losing tune.
+Perhaps, however, Lucy was thinking of the peril, not the profit of the
+thing.
+
+The young ladies on the stand eye her with mingled feelings of pity and
+disdain, while the elderly ones shake their heads, call her a bold
+hussy--declare she's not so pretty--adding that they 'wouldn't have come if
+they'd known,' &c. &c.
+
+But it is half-past two (an hour and a half after time), and there is at
+last a disposition evinced by some of the parties to go to the post.
+Broad-backed parti-coloured jockeys are seen converging that way, and the
+betting-men close in, getting more and more clamorous for odds. What a
+hubbub! How they bellow! How they roar! A universal deafness seems to have
+come over the whole of them. 'Seven to one 'gain the Bart.!' screams
+one--'I'll take eight!' roars another. 'Five to one agen Herc'les!' cries a
+third--'Done!' roars a fourth. 'Twice over!' rejoins the other--'Done!'
+replies the taker. 'Ar'll take five to one agin the Daddy!'--'I'll lay
+six!' 'What'll any one lay 'gin Parvo?' And so they raise such an uproar
+that the squeak, squeak, squeak of the
+
+    'Devil among the tailors'
+
+is hardly heard.
+
+Then, in a partial lull, the voice of Lord Scamperdale rises, exclaiming,
+'Oh, you hideous Hobgoblin, bull-and-mouth of a boy! you think, because I'm
+a lord, and can't swear, or use coarse language--' And again the hubbub,
+led on by the
+
+    'Devil among the tailors,'
+
+drowns the exclamations of the speaker. It's that Pacey again; he's
+accusing the virtuous Mr. Spraggon of handing his extra weight to Lord
+Scamperdale; and Jack, in the full consciousness of injured guilt,
+intimates that the blood of the Spraggons won't stand that--that there's
+'only _one_ way of settling it, and he'll be ready for Pacey half an hour
+after the race.'
+
+At length the horses are all out--one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
+eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen--fifteen of
+them, moving about in all directions: some taking an up-gallop, others a
+down; some a spicy trot, others walking to and fro; while one has still his
+muzzle on, lest he should unship his rider and eat him; and another's groom
+follows, imploring the mob to keep off his heels if they don't want their
+heads in their hands. The noisy bell at length summons the scattered forces
+to the post, and the variegated riders form into as good a line as
+circumstances will allow. Just as Mr. Sponge turns his horse's head Lucy
+hands him her little silver sherry-flask, which our friend drains to the
+dregs. As he returns it, with a warm pressure of her soft hand, a pent-up
+flood of tears burst their bounds, and suffuse her lustrous eyes. She turns
+away to hide her emotion; at the same instant a wild shout rends the
+air--'W-h-i-r-r! They're off!'
+
+Thirteen get away, one turns tail, and our friend in the Lincoln green is
+left performing a _pas seul_, asking the rearing horse, with an oath, if he
+thinks 'he stole him'? while the mob shout and roar; and one wicked wag, in
+coaching parlance, advises him to pay the difference, and get inside.
+
+But what a display of horsemanship is exhibited by the flyers! Tongs comes
+off at the first fence, the horse making straight for a pond, while the
+rest rattle on in a mass. The second fence is small, but there's a ditch on
+the far side, and Pusher and Gander severally measure their lengths on the
+rushy pasture beyond. Still there are ten left, and nobody ever reckoned
+upon these getting to the far end.
+
+'Master wins, for a 'undr'd!' exclaims Leather, as, getting into the third
+field, Mr. Sponge takes a decided lead; and Lucy, encouraged by the sound,
+looks up, and sees her 'white jacket' throwing the dry fallow in the faces
+of the field.
+
+'Oh, how I hope he will!' exclaims she, clasping her hands, with upturned
+eyes; but when she ventures on another look, she sees old Spraggon drawing
+upon him, Hangallows's flaming red jacket not far off, and several others
+nearer than she liked. Still the tail was beginning to form. Another fence,
+and that a big one, draws it out. A striped jacket is down, and the horse,
+after a vain effort to rise, sinks lifeless on the ground. On they go all
+the same!
+
+Loud yells of exciting betting burst from the spectators, and Buckram gets
+well on for the cross.
+
+There are now five in front--Sponge, Spraggon, Hangallows, Boville, and
+another; and already the pace begins to tell. It wasn't possible to run it
+at the rate they started. Spraggon makes a desperate effort to get the
+lead; and Sponge, seeing Boville handy, pulls his horse, and lets the
+light-weight make play over a rough, heavy fallow with the chestnut. Jack
+spurs and flogs, and grins and foams at the mouth. Thus they get half round
+the oval course. They are now directly in front of the hill, and the
+spectators gaze with intense anxiety;--now vociferating the name of this
+horse, now of that; now shouting 'Red jacket!' now 'White!' while the blind
+fiddler perseveres with the old melody of--'The Devil among the Tailors.'
+
+'Now they come to the brook!' exclaims Leather, who has been over the
+ground; and as he speaks, Lucy distinctly sees Mr. Sponge's gather an
+effort to clear it; and--oh, horror!--the horse falls--he's down--no, he's
+up!--and her lover's in his seat again; and she flatters herself it was her
+sherry that saved him. Splash!--a horse and rider duck under; three get
+over; two go in; now another clears it, and the rest turn tail.
+
+What splashing and screaming, and whipping and spurring, and how hopeless
+the chance of any of them to recover their lost ground. The race is now
+clearly between five. Now for the wall! It's five feet high, built of heavy
+blocks, and strong in the staked-out part. As he nears it, Jack sits well
+back, getting Daddy Longlegs well by the head, and giving him a refresher
+with the whip. It is Jack's last move! His horse comes, neck and croup
+over, rolling Jack up like a ball of worsted on the far side. At the same
+moment, Multum in Parvo goes at it full tilt; and, not rising an inch,
+sends Captain Boville flying one way, his saddle another, himself a third,
+and the stones all ways. Mr. Sponge then slips through, closely followed by
+Hangallows and a jockey in yellow, with a tail of three after them. They
+then put on all the steam they can raise over the twenty-acre pasture that
+follows.
+
+The white!--the red!--the yaller! The red!--the white!--the yaller! and
+anybody's race! A sheet would cover them!--crack! whack! crack! how they
+flog! Hercules springs at the sound.
+
+Many of the excited spectators begin hallooing, and straddling, and working
+their arms as if their gestures and vociferations would assist the race.
+Lord Scamperdale stands transfixed. He is staring through his silver
+spectacles at the awkwardly lying ball that represents poor Spraggon.
+
+'By Heavens!' exclaims he, in an undertone to himself, 'I believe he's
+killed!' And thereupon he swung down the stand-stairs, rushed to his horse,
+and, clapping spurs to his sides, struck across the country to the spot.
+
+Long before he got there the increased uproar of the spectators announced
+the final struggle; and looking over his shoulder, he saw white jacket
+hugging his horse home, closely followed by red, and shooting past the
+winning-post.
+
+'Dash that Mr. Sponge!' growled his lordship, as the cheers of the winners
+closed the scene.
+
+'The brute's won, in spite of him!' gasped Buckram, turning deadly pale at
+the sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXIX
+
+HOW OTHER THINGS CAME OFF
+
+
+'Twere hard to say whether Lucy's joy at Sponge's safety, or Lord
+Scamperdale's grief at poor Spraggon's death, was most overpowering. Each
+found relief in a copious flood of tears. Lucy sobbed and laughed, and
+sobbed and laughed again; and seemed as if her little heart would burst its
+bounds. The mob, ever open to sentiment--especially the sentiment of
+beauty--cheered and shouted as she rode with her lover from the winning to
+the weighing-post.
+
+'A', she's a bonny un!' exclaimed a countryman, looking intently up in her
+face.
+
+'She is that!' cried another, doing the same.
+
+'Three cheers for the lady!' shouted a tall Shaggyford rough, taking off
+his woolly cap, and waving it.
+
+'Hoo-ray! hoo-ray! hoo-ray!' shouted a group of flannel-clad navvies.
+
+'Three for white jacket!' then roared a blue-coated butcher, who had won as
+many half-crowns on the race.--Three cheers were given for the unwilling
+winner.
+
+'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' exclaimed his lordship, throwing himself off his
+horse, and wringing his hands in despair, as a select party of
+thimble-riggers, who had gone to Jack's assistance, raised him up, and
+turned his ghastly face, with his eyes squinting inside out, and the foam
+still on his mouth, full upon him. 'Oh, my poor dear Jack!' repeated his
+lordship, sinking on his knees beside him, and grasping his stiffening hand
+as he spoke. His lordship sank overpowered upon the body.
+
+The thimble-riggers then availed themselves of the opportunity to ease his
+lordship and Jack of their watches and the few shillings they had about
+them, and departed.
+
+When a lord is in distress, consolation is never long in coming; and Lord
+Scamperdale had hardly got over the first paroxysms of grief, and gathered
+up Jack's cap, and the fragments of his spectacles, ere Jawleyford, who
+had noticed his abrupt departure from the stand and scurry across the
+country, arrived at the spot. His lordship was still in the full agony of
+woe; still grasping and bedewing Jack's cold hand with his tears.
+
+'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack! 'sobbed he, as
+he mopped the fast-chasing tears from his grizzly cheeks with a red cotton
+kerchief. 'Oh, my dear Jack! Oh, my dear Jawleyford! Oh, my dear Jack!
+'repeated he, as a fresh flood spread o'er the rugged surface. 'Oh, what a
+tr-reasure, what a tr--tr--trump he was. Shall never get such another.
+Nobody could s--s--lang a fi--fi--field as he could; no hu--hu--humbug
+'bout him--never was su--su--such a fine natural bl--bl--blackguard'; and
+then his feelings wholly choked his utterance as he recollected how easily
+Jack was satisfied; how he could dine off tripe and cow-heel, mop up fat
+porridge for breakfast, and never grumbled at being put on a bad horse.
+
+The news of a man being killed soon reached the hill, and drew the
+attention of the mob from our hero and heroine, causing such a spread of
+population over the farm as must have been highly gratifying to
+Scourgefield, who stood watching the crashing of the fences and the
+demolition of the gates, thinking how he was paying his landlord off.
+
+Seeing the rude, unmannerly character of the mob, Jawleyford got his
+lordship by the arm, and led him away towards the hill, his lordship
+reeling, rather than walking, and indulging in all sorts of wild,
+incoherent cries and lamentations.
+
+'Sing out, Jack! sing out!' he would exclaim, as if in the agony of having
+his hounds ridden over; then, checking himself, he would shake his head and
+say, 'Ah, poor Jack, poor Jack! shall never look upon his like again--shall
+never get such a man to read the riot act, and keep all square.' And then a
+fresh gush of tears suffused his grizzly face.
+
+The minor casualties of those few butchering spasmodic moments may be
+briefly dismissed, though they were more numerous than most sportsmen see
+out hunting in a lifetime.
+
+One horse broke his back, another was drowned, Multum in Parvo was cut all
+to pieces, his rider had two ribs and a thumb broken, while Farmer
+Slyfield's stackyard was fired by some of the itinerant tribe, and all its
+uninsured contents destroyed--so that his landlord was not the only person
+who suffered by the grand occasion.
+
+Nor was this all, for Mr. Numboy, the coroner, hearing of Jack's death,
+held an inquest on the body; and, having empanelled a matter-of-fact
+jury--men who did not see the advantage of steeple-chasing, either in a
+political, commercial, agricultural, or national point of view, and who,
+having surveyed the line, and found nearly every fence dangerous, and the
+wall and brook doubly so, returned a verdict of manslaughter against Mr.
+Viney for setting it out, who was forthwith committed to the county gaol of
+Limbo Castle for trial at the ensuing assizes, from whence let us join the
+benevolent clerk of arraigns in wishing him a good deliverance.
+
+Many of the hardy 'tips' sounded the loud trump of victory, proclaiming
+that their innumerable friends had feathered their nests through their
+agency; but Peeping Tom and Infallible Joe, and Enoch Wriggle, 'the
+offending soul,' &c, found it convenient to bolt from their respective
+establishments, carrying with them their large fire-screens, camp-stools,
+and boards for posting up their lists, and setting up in new names in other
+quarters; while the Hen Angel was shortly afterwards closed, and the
+presentation-tureen made into 'white soup.'
+
+So much for the 'small deer.' We will now devote a concluding chapter to
+the 'great guns' of our story.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXX
+
+HOW LORD SCAMPERDALE AND CO. CAME OFF
+
+
+Our noble master's nerves were so dreadfully shattered by the lamentable
+catastrophe to poor Jack, that he stepped, or rather was pushed, into
+Jawleyford's carriage almost insensibly, and driven from the course to
+Jawleyford Court.
+
+There he remained sufficiently long for Mrs. Jawleyford to persuade him
+that he would be far better married, and that either of her amiable
+daughters would make him a most excellent wife. His lordship, after very
+mature consideration, and many most scrutinizing stares at both of them
+through his formidable spectacles, wondering which would be the least
+likely to ruin him--at length decided upon taking Miss Emily, the youngest,
+though for a long time the victory was doubtful, and Amelia practised her
+'Scamperdale' singing with unabated ardour and confidence up to the last.
+We believe, if the truth were known, it was a slight touch of rouge, that
+Amelia thought would clench the matter, that decided his lordship against
+her. Emily, we are happy to say, makes him an excellent wife, and has not
+got her head turned by becoming a countess. She has improved his lordship
+amazingly, got him smart new clothes, and persuaded him to grow bushy
+whiskers right down under his chin, and is now feeling her way to a pair of
+moustaches.
+
+Woodmansterne is quite another place. She has marshalled a proper
+establishment, and got him coaxed into the long put-a-way company rooms.
+Though he still indulges in his former cow-heel and other delicacies, they
+do not appear upon table; while he sports his silver-mounted specs on all
+occasions. The fruit and venison are freely distributed, and we have come
+in for a haunch in return for our attentions.
+
+Best of all, Lady Scamperdale has got his lordship to erect a handsome
+marble monument to poor Jack, instead of the cheap country stone he
+intended. The inscription states that it was erected by Samuel, Eighth Earl
+of Scamperdale, and Viscount Hardup, in the Peerage of Ireland, to the
+Memory of John Spraggon, Esquire, the best of Sportsmen, and the firmest of
+Friends. Who or what Jack was, nobody ever knew, and as he only left a hat
+and eighteen pence behind him, no next of kin has as yet cast up.
+
+Jawleyford has not stood the honour of the Scamperdale alliance quite so
+well as his daughter; and when our 'amaazin' instance of a pop'lar man,'
+instigated perhaps by the desire to have old Scamp for a brother-in-law,
+offered to Amelia, Jaw got throaty and consequential, hemmed and hawed, and
+pretended to be stiff about it. Puff, however, produced such weighty
+testimonials, as soon exercised their wonted influence. In due time Puff
+very magnanimously proposed uniting his pack with Lord Scamperdale's,
+dividing the expense of one establishment between them, to which his
+lordship readily assented, advising Puff to get rid of Bragg by giving him
+the hounds, which he did; and that great sporting luminary may be seen
+'s-c-e-u-s-e'-ing himself, and offering his service to masters of hounds
+any Monday at Tattersall's--though he still prefers a 'quality place.'
+
+Benjamin Buckram, the gentleman with the small independence of his own, we
+are sorry to say has gone to the 'bad.' Aggravated by the loss he sustained
+by his horse winning the steeple-chase, he made an ill-advised onslaught on
+the cash-box of the London and Westminster Bank; and at three score years
+and ten this distinguished 'turfite,' who had participated with impunity in
+nearly all the great robberies of the last forty years, was doomed to
+transportation. And yet we have seen this cracksman captain--for he, too,
+was a captain at times--jostling and bellowing for odds among some of the
+highest and noblest of the land!
+
+Leather has descended to the cab-stand, of which he promises to be a
+distinguished ornament. He haunts the Piccadilly stands, and has what he
+calls ''stablish'd a raw' on Mr. Sponge to the extent of
+three-and-six-pence a week, under threats of exposing the robbery Sponge
+committed on our friend Mr. Waffles. That volatile genius, we are happy to
+add, is quite well, and open to the attentions of any young lady who thinks
+she can tame a wild young man. His financial affairs are not irretrievable.
+
+And now for the hero and heroine of our tale. The Sponges--for our friend
+married Lucy shortly after the steeple-chase--stayed at Nonsuch House until
+the bailiffs walked in. Sir Harry then bolted to Boulogne, where he shortly
+afterwards died, and Bugles very properly married my lady. They are now
+living at Wandsworth; Mr. Bugles and Lady Scattercash, very 'much thought
+of'--as Bugles says.
+
+Although Mr. Sponge did not gain as much by winning the steeple-chase as he
+would have done had Hercules allowed him to lose it, he still did pretty
+well; and being at length starved out of Nonsuch House, he arrived at his
+old quarters, the Bantam, in Bond Street, where he turned his attention
+very seriously to providing for Lucy and the little Sponge, who had now
+issued its prospectus. He thought over all the ways and means of making
+money without capital, rejecting Australia and California as unfit for
+sportsmen and men fond of their _Moggs_. Professional steeple-chasing Lucy
+decried, declaring she would rather return to her flag-exercises at
+Astley's, as soon as she was able, than have her dear Sponge risking his
+neck that way. Our friend at length began to fear fortune-making was not so
+easy as he thought--indeed, he was soon sure of it.
+
+One day as he was staring vacantly out of the Bantam coffee-room window,
+between the gilt labels, 'Hot Soups' and 'Dinners,' he was suddenly seized
+with a fit of virtuous indignation at the disreputable frauds practised by
+unprincipled adventurers on the unwary public, in the way of betting
+offices, and resolved that he would be the St. George to slay this great
+dragon of abuse. Accordingly, after due consultation with Lucy, he invested
+his all in fitting up and decorating the splendid establishment in Jermyn
+Street, St. James's, now known as the SPONGE AND CIGAR BETTING ROOMS, whose
+richness neither pen nor pencil can do justice to.
+
+We must, therefore, entreat our readers to visit this emporium of honesty,
+where, in addition to finding lists posted on all the great events of the
+day, they can have the use of a _Mogg_ while they indulge in one of Lucy's
+unrivalled cigars; and noblemen, gentlemen, and officers in the household
+troops may be accommodated with loans on their personal security to any
+amount. We see by Mr. Sponge's last advertisements that he has L116,300 to
+lend at three and a half per cent.!
+
+'What a farce,' we fancy we hear some enterprising youngster
+exclaim--'what a farce, to suppose that such a needy scamp as Mr. Sponge,
+who has been cheating everybody, has any money to lend, or to pay bets with
+if he loses!' Right, young gentleman, right; but not a bit greater farce
+than to suppose that any of the plausible money-lenders, or infallible
+'tips' with whom you, perhaps, have had connection have any either, in case
+it's called for. Nay, bad as he is, we'll back old Soapey to be better than
+any of them,--with which encomium we most heartily bid him ADIEU.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] Query, 'snob'?--Printer's Devil.
+
+[2] The Poetical Recorder of the Doings of the Dublin Garrison dogs, in
+_Bell's Life_.
+
+[3] _Vide_ 'Barnwell and Alderson's Reports.'
+
+[4] 'S,' for Scamperdale, showing they were his lordship's.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour, by R. S. Surtees
+
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