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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16772-8.txt b/16772-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..51b8568 --- /dev/null +++ b/16772-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12133 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une Âme): +The Autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, by Thérèse Martin (of Lisieux) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une Âme): The Autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux + With Additional Writings and Sayings of St. Thérèse + +Author: Thérèse Martin (of Lisieux) + +Translator: Thomas Taylor + +Release Date: September 28, 2005 [EBook #16772] +[Date last updated: January 3, 2009] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF A SOUL *** + + + + +Produced by David McClamrock + + + + + +ST. THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX + +THE STORY OF A SOUL (L'HISTOIRE D'UNE ÂME): THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF +ST. THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX + +WITH ADDITIONAL WRITINGS AND SAYINGS OF ST. THÉRÈSE + +______________________________ + +NOTE TO THIS ELECTRONIC EDITION + +This electronic edition of the autobiography of St. Thérèse of +Lisieux (_The Story of a Soul_) includes much, but not all, of the +content of _Soeur Thérèse of Lisieux_ (London: Burns, Oates & +Washbourne, 1912; 8th ed., 1922), edited by Rev. T.N. Taylor. All +the translated writings and sayings of St. Thérèse contained in +that book are in this electronic edition, including the +autobiography as well as "Counsels and Reminiscences," letters, +and selected poems. Also included are the preface by Cardinal +Bourne, the prologue relating Thérèse's parentage and birth, and +the epilogue describing her final illness, her death, and related +events. Not included are the illustrations, the list of +illustrations, accounts of favors attributed to the intercession +of St. Thérèse, documents related to her beatification, and some +other material not written by her. + +Footnotes have been re-numbered sequentially in each chapter. They +are presented at the end of each chapter, and some have been +slightly modified for ease of reference. A few footnotes, +referring to page numbers in the original, have been modified or +omitted. Citations to the Psalms, many of which were numbered +differently in Catholic Bibles of St. Thérèse's time than they +commonly are today, have the "new" number in brackets next to the +"old" number from the original--e.g., "Psalm 22[23]:1-4." Footnote +numbers are shown in brackets, e.g., "[1]." + +The original page headers, page numbering, disclaimer of any +intention to anticipate the judgment of the Church in calling St. +Thérèse a "saint" before her canonization, and other extraneous +matter, which were deemed suitable for a printed book in 1922 but +not for an e-book in 2005, are not here. The French "oe" ligature, +in words such as "soeur," is not available in the standard +ISO-8859-1 character set, and obviously is represented here by the +two-letter combination "oe." Italics are represented by +underscores at the beginning and end, _like this._ The first word +of each chapter is not set in all caps as it was in the printed +book. A few obvious typographical errors have been corrected, with +the changes in brackets, e.g., "[s]he" for "the" in Chapter IX. +All else, including capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and +British spelling, is intended to reflect the content of the eighth +edition of _Soeur Thérèse of Lisieux._ If it does not, the fault +is that of the transcriber (me, David McClamrock). + +______________________________ + +SOEUR THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +A NEW AND COMPLETE TRANSLATION OF L'HISTOIRE D'UNE ÂME, WITH AN +ACCOUNT OF SOME FAVOURS ATTRIBUTED TO THE INTERCESSION OF SOEUR +THÉRÈSE + +EDITED BY T. N. TAYLOR: PRIEST OF THE ARCHDIOCESE OF GLASGOW: +WITNESS BEFORE THE TRIBUNAL OF THE BEATIFICATION + +BURNS, OATES & WASHBOURNE LD. + +TWENTY-EIGHT ORCHARD STREET, LONDON, W., AND EIGHT TO TEN +PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C. + +______________________________ + +NIHIL OBSTAT JOANNES N. STRASSMAIER, S.J. Censor Deputatus + +IMPRIMATUR EDMUNDUS Canonicus SURMONT Vicarius Generalis + +WESTMONASTERII, die nonâ Decembris, 1912. + +______________________________ + +CONTENTS + +______________________________ + +DEDICATION + +PREFACE BY H.E. CARDINAL BOURNE + +PROLOGUE: PARENTAGE AND BIRTH + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY + +Chapter I. Earliest Memories + " II. A Catholic Household + " III. Pauline Enters the Carmel + " IV. First Communion and Confirmation + " V. Vocation of Thérèse + " VI. A Pilgrimage to Rome + " VII. The Little Flower Enters the Carmel + " VIII. Profession of Soeur Thérèse + " IX. The Night of the Soul + " X. The New Commandment + " XI. A Canticle of Love + +EPILOGUE: A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +COUNSELS AND REMINISCENCES + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE + To Céline + To Mother Agnes of Jesus + To Sister Mary of the Sacred Heart + To Sister Frances Teresa + To Marie Guérin + To Jeanne Guérin + To Missionaries + +PRAYERS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE + Her Act of Oblation + A Morning Prayer + Act of Consecration to the Holy Face + Prayer in Honour of the Holy Child + Prayer to the Holy Child + Prayer to the Holy Face + Prayer in Honour of St. Joan of Arc + Prayer to Obtain Humility + +DAYS OF GRACE + +SELECTED POEMS + My Song of To-day + Memories + I Thirst for Love + To Scatter Flowers + Why I Love Thee, Mary + +SHOWER OF ROSES [omitted] + +PROCESS OF BEATIFICATION [omitted] + +LETTERS OF PIUS X AND OTHERS [omitted] + +INDULGENCED PRAYERS [omitted] + +SUPPLEMENT [omitted] + +______________________________ + +THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE SERVANT OF GOD, SOEUR THÉRÈSE, IN +THANKSGIVING FOR GRACES OBTAINED, AND TO HER "PETITE MÈRE," MOTHER +AGNES OF JESUS, IN GRATEFUL MEMORY OF INNUMERABLE KINDNESSES +EXTENDING OVER MANY YEARS + +______________________________ + +PREFACE + +As we become acquainted with the histories of those in whom, in +long succession, God has been pleased to show forth examples of +holiness of life, it seems as if every phase of human existence +had in the history of the Church received its consecration as a +power to bring men nearer to their Maker. But there is no limit to +the types of sanctity which the Creator is pleased to unfold +before His Creatures. To many, on reading for the first time the +story of Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face, it +came almost as a shock to find a very youthful member of an +austere Order, strictly retired from the world, engaged in hidden +prayer and mortification, appearing before us to reveal to the +whole world the wonders of the close intimacy of friendship to +which her Divine Spouse had been pleased to call her. Certainly +the way by which Soeur Thérèse was led is not the normal life of +Carmel, nor hers the manner whereby most Carmelites are called to +accomplish the wondrous apostolate of intercession to which their +lives are given. But no less certain is it that, in her particular +case, her work for God and her apostolate were not to be confined +between the walls of her religious home, or to be limited by her +few years on earth. + +In the first place, we know that it was by obedience that the +record of God's dealings with her soul were set down in writing. +And again, the long tale of graces granted in such strange +profusion through her intercession is proof sufficient that it was +not without Divine permission and guidance that the history of her +special and peculiar vocation has become the property of all +Catholics in every land. It is for God to keep, and for Him to +make known the secrets of His Love for men. And in the case of +Soeur Thérèse it has been His Will to divulge His secrets in most +generous consideration for our needs. + +What are the hidden treasures which Our Divine Master thus reveals +to us through His chosen little servant? + +It is the old story of simplicity in God's service, of the perfect +accomplishment of small recurring duties, of trustful confidence +in Him who made and has redeemed and sanctified us. Humility, +self-effacement, obedience, hiddenness, unfaltering charity, with +all the self-control and constant effort that they imply, are +written on every page of the history of this little Saint. And, as +we turn its pages, the lesson is borne in upon our souls that +there is no surer nor safer way of pleasing Our Father Who is in +Heaven than by remaining ever as little children in His sight. +Doubtless for many of her clients whose hearts are kindled as they +read this book, Soeur Thérèse will obtain, as she has done so +often in the past, wonderful gifts for health of soul and body. +But may she win for all of us without exception a deep and +fruitful conviction of the unchanging truth, that unless we become +as little children in the doing of our Heavenly Father's Will, we +cannot enter into our Eternal Home. + +FRANCIS CARDINAL BOURNE, Archbishop of Westminster. + +Feast of the Presentation of Our Blessed Lady, 1912. + +______________________________ + +PROLOGUE: THE PARENTAGE & BIRTH OF MARIE FRANÇOISE THÉRÈSE MARTIN + +In the month of September, 1843, a young man of twenty climbed the +mountain of the Great St. Bernard. His eyes shone with a holy +enthusiasm as the splendour of the Alps stirred to the depths his +responsive nature. Presently, accustomed as they were to discern +God's beauty in the beauty of His handiwork, they glistened with +tears. He paused for a space, then, continuing his journey, soon +reached the celebrated monastery that like a beacon on those +heights darts afar its beams of faith and magnificent charity. + +The Prior, struck by the frank and open countenance of his guest, +welcomed him with more than wonted hospitality. Louis Joseph +Stanislaus Martin was the pilgrim's name. He was born on August +22, 1823, at Bordeaux, while his father, a brave and devout +soldier, was captain in the garrison there. "God has predestined +this little one for Himself," said the saintly Bishop of Bordeaux +on the occasion of his baptism, and events have proved the truth +of his words. From this town, by the banks of the Garonne, his +parents went to Alençon in lower Normandy, and there in their new +home, as in their old one, Louis was the cherished Benjamin. + +It was not the loveliness of Swiss lakes and mountains and skies +that had drawn the traveller from distant Alençon. He came to the +monastery--and his journey was chiefly on foot--to consecrate his +days to God. On learning his purpose the Prior questioned him upon +his knowledge of Latin, only to discover that the young aspirant +had not completed his course of studies in that language. "I am +indeed sorry, my child," said the venerable monk, "since this is +an essential condition, but you must not be disheartened. Go back +to your own country, apply yourself diligently, and when you have +ended your studies we shall receive you with open arms." + +Louis was disappointed. He set out for home--for exile he would +have said--but ere long he saw clearly that his life was to be +dedicated to God in another and equally fruitful way, and that the +Alpine monastery was to be nothing more to him than a sweet memory. + +* * * * * * + +A few years after the vain quest of Louis Martin, a similar scene +was enacted in Alençon itself. Accompanied by her mother, Zélie +Guérin--an attractive and pious girl--presented herself at the +Convent of the Sisters of Charity in the hope of gaining +admission. For years it had been her desire to share the Sisters' +work, but this was not to be. In the interview that followed, the +Superioress--guided by the Holy Ghost--decided unhesitatingly +that Zélie's vocation was not for the religious life. God wanted +her in the world, and so she returned to her parents, and to the +companionship of her elder sister and her younger brother. Shortly +afterwards the gates of the Visitation Convent at Le Mans closed +upon her beloved sister, and Zélie's thoughts turned to the +Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. "O my God"--she repeated constantly-- +"since I am unworthy to be Thy Spouse, like my dear sister, I +shall enter the married state to fulfill Thy Holy Will, and I +beseech Thee to make me the mother of many children, and to grant +that all of them may be dedicated to Thee." + +God gave ear to her prayer, and His Finger was visible in the +circumstances which led to her becoming the wife of Louis Martin, +on July 12, 1858, in Alençon's lovely Church of Notre Dame. Like +the chaste Tobias, they were joined together in matrimony--"solely +for the love of children, in whom God's Name might be blessed for +ever and ever." Nine white flowers bloomed in this sacred garden. +Of the nine, four were transplanted to Paradise ere their buds had +quite unfolded, while five were gathered in God's walled gardens +upon earth, one entering the Visitation Convent at Caen, the others the +Carmel of Lisieux. From the cradle all were dedicated to Mary +Immaculate, and all received her name: Marie Louise, Marie Pauline, +Marie Léonie, Marie Hélène, who died at the age of four and a half, +Marie Joseph Louis, Marie Joseph Jean Baptiste, Marie Céline, Marie +Mélanie Therèse, who died when three months old, and lastly, _Marie +Françoise Thérèse._ + +The two boys were the fruit of prayers and tears. After the birth +of the four elder girls, their parents entreated St. Joseph to +obtain for them the favour of a son who should become a priest and +a missionary. Marie Joseph soon was given them, and his pretty +ways appealed to all hearts, but only five months had run their +course when Heaven demanded what it had lent. Then followed more +urgent novenas. + +The grandeur of the Priesthood, glorious upon earth, ineffable in +eternity, was so well understood by those Christian parents, that +their hearts coveted it most dearly. At all costs the family must +have a Priest of the Lord, one who would be an apostle, +peradventure a martyr. But, "the thoughts of the Lord are not our +thoughts, His ways are not our ways." Another little Joseph was +born, and with him hope once again grew strong. Alas! Nine months +had scarcely passed when he, too, fled from this world and joined +his angel brother. + +They did not ask again. Yet, could the veil of the future have +been lifted, their heavy hearts would, of a surety, have been +comforted. A child was to be vouchsafed them who would be a herald +of Divine love, not to China alone, but to all the ends of the +earth. + +Nay, they themselves were destined to shine as apostles, and we +read on one of the first pages of the Portuguese edition of the +Autobiography, these significant words of an eminent Jesuit: + +"To the Sacred Memory of Louis Joseph Stanislaus Martin and of +Zélie Guérin, the blessed parents of Sister Teresa of the Child +Jesus, for an example to all Christian parents." + +They little dreamed of this future apostolate, nevertheless they +made ready their souls day by day to be God's own instruments in +God's good time. With most loving resignation they greeted the +many crosses which the Lord laid upon them--the Lord whose tender +name of Father is truest in the dark hour of trial. + +Every morning saw them at Mass; together they knelt at the Holy +Table. They strictly observed the fasts and abstinences of the +Church, kept Sunday as a day of complete rest from work in spite +of the remonstrance of friends, and found in pious reading their +most delightful recreation. They prayed in common--after the +touching example of Captain Martin, whose devout way of repeating +the _Our Father_ brought tears to all eyes. Thus the great +Christian virtues flourished in their home. Wealth did not bring +luxury in its train, and a strict simplicity was invariably +observed. + +"How mistaken are the great majority of men!" Madame Martin used +often to say. "If they are rich, they at once desire honours; and +if these are obtained, they are still unhappy; for never can that +heart be satisfied which seeks anything but God." + +Her whole ambition as a mother was directed to Heaven. "Four of my +children are already well settled in life," she once wrote; "and +the others will go likewise to that Heavenly Kingdom--enriched +with greater merit because the combat will have been more +prolonged." + +Charity in all its forms was a natural outlet to the piety of +these simple hearts. Husband and wife set aside each year a +considerable portion of their earnings for the Propagation of the +Faith; they relieved poor persons in distress, and ministered to +them with their own hands. On one occasion Monsieur Martin, like a +good Samaritan, was seen to raise a drunken man from the ground in +a busy thoroughfare, take his bag of tools, support him on his +arm, and lead him home. Another time when he saw, in a railway +station, a poor and starving epileptic without the means to return +to his distant home, he was so touched with pity that he took off +his hat and, placing in it an alms, proceeded to beg from the +passengers on behalf of the sufferer. Money poured in, and it was +with a heart brimming over with gratitude that the sick man +blessed his benefactor. + +Never did he allow the meannesses of human respect to degrade his +Christian dignity. In whatever company he might be, he always +saluted the Blessed Sacrament when passing a Church; and he never +met a priest without paying him a mark of respect. A word from his +lips sufficed to silence whosoever dared blaspheme in his presence. + +In reward for his virtues, God showered even temporal blessings on +His faithful servant. In 1871 he was able to give up his business +as a jeweller, and retire to a house in the Rue St. Blaise. The +making of point-lace, however, begun by Madame Martin, was still +carried on. + +In that house the "Little Flower of Jesus" first saw the sunshine. +Again and again, in the pages of her Autobiography, she calls +herself by this modest name of the _Little Flower,_ emblematic of +her humility, her purity, her simplicity, and it may be added, of +the poetry of her soul. The reader will learn in the Epilogue how +it was also used by one of her favourite martyr-saints--the now +Blessed Théophane Vénard. On the manuscript of her Autobiography +she set the title: _"The Story of the Springtime of a little white +Flower,"_ and in truth such it was, for long ere the rigours of +life's winter came round, the Flower was blossoming in Paradise. + +It was, however, in mid-winter, January 2, 1873, that this ninth +child of Louis Martin and Zélie Guérin was born. Marie and Pauline +were at home for the Christmas holidays from the Visitation +Convent at Le Mans, and though there was, it is true, a slight +disappointment that the future priest was still denied them, it +quickly passed, and the little one was regarded as a special gift +from Heaven. Later on, her beloved Father delighted in calling +her his "Little Queen," adding at times the high-sounding +titles--"Of France and Navarre." + +The Little Queen was indeed well received that winter's morning, +and in the course of the day a poor waif rang timidly at the door +of the happy home, and presented a paper bearing the following +simple stanza: + +"Smile and swiftly grow; All beckons thee to joy, Sweet love, and +tenderest care. Smile gladly at the dawn, Bud of an hour!--for +thou Shalt be a stately rose." + +It was a charming prophecy, for the bud unfolded its petals and +became a rose--a rose of love--but not for long, "for the space of +a morn!" + +* * * * * * + +On January 4, she was carried to the Church of Notre Dame to +receive the Sacrament of Baptism; her eldest sister, Marie, was +her godmother, and she was given the name of _Marie Françoise +Thérèse._[1] + +All was joy at first, but soon the tender bud drooped on its +delicate stem: little hope was held out--it must wither and die. +"You must pray to St. Francis de Sales," wrote her aunt from the +convent at Le Mans, "and you must promise, if the child recovers, +to call her by her second name, Frances." This was a sword-thrust +for the Mother. Leaning over the cradle of her Thérèse, she +awaited the coming of the end, saying: "Only when the last hope +has gone, will I promise to call her Frances." + +The gentle St. Francis waived his claim in favour of the great +Reformer of the Carmelite Order: the child recovered, and so +retained her sweet name of Thérèse. Sorrow, however, was mixed +with the Mother's joy, when it became necessary to send the babe +to a foster-mother in the country. There the "little rose-bud" +grew in beauty, and after some months had gained strength +sufficient to allow of her being brought back to Alençon. Her +memory of this short but happy time spent with her sainted Mother +in the Rue St. Blaise was extraordinarily vivid. To-day a tablet +on the balcony of No. 42 informs the passers-by that here was born +a certain Carmelite, by name, Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and +the Holy Face. Fifteen years have gone since the meeting in Heaven +of Madame Martin and her Carmelite child, and if the pilgrimage to +where the Little Flower first saw the light of day, be not so +large as that to the grave where her remains await their glorious +resurrection, it may nevertheless be numbered in thousands. And to +the English-speaking pilgrim there is an added pleasure in the +fact that her most notable convert, the first minister of the +United Free Church of Scotland to enter the True Fold, performs, +with his convert wife, the courteous duties of host. + +* * * * * * + +It will not be amiss to say a brief word here on the brother and +sister of Madame Martin. Her sister--in religion, Sister Marie +Dosithea--led a life so holy at Le Mans that she was cited by Dom +Guéranger, perhaps the most distinguished Benedictine of the +nineteenth century, as the model of a perfect nun. By her own +confession, she had never been guilty from earliest childhood of +the smallest deliberate fault. She died on February 24, 1877. It +was in the convent made fragrant by such holiness that her niece +Pauline Martin, elder sister and "little mother" of Thérèse, and +for five years her Prioress at the Carmel, received her education. +And if the Little Flower may have imbibed the liturgical spirit +from her teachers, the daughters of St. Benedict in Lisieux, so +that she could say before her death: "I do not think it is +possible for anyone to have desired more than I to assist properly +at choir and to recite perfectly the Divine Office"--may it not be +to the influences from Le Mans that may be traced something of the +honey-sweet spirit of St. Francis de Sales which pervades the +pages of the Autobiography? + +With the brother of Zélie Guérin the reader will make acquaintance +in the narrative of Thérèse. He was a chemist in Lisieux, and it +was there his daughter Jeanne Guérin married Dr. La Néele and his +younger child Marie entered the Carmel. Our foreign missionaries +had a warm friend in the uncle of Thérèse--for his charities he +was made godfather to an African King; and to the Catholic +Press--that home missionary--he was ever most devoted. Founder, at +Lisieux, of the Nocturnal Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and +a zealous member of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, he was +called to his abundant reward on September 28, 1909. Verily the +lamp of faith is not extinct in the land of the Norman. + +The Father of Thérèse, after the death of his wife, likewise made +his home in the delightful town which lies amid the beautiful +apple orchards of the valley of the Touques. Lisieux is deeply +interesting by reason of its fine old churches of St. Jacques and +St. Pierre, and its wonderful specimens of quaint houses, some of +which date from the twelfth century. In matters of faith it is +neither fervent nor hostile, and in 1877 its inhabitants little +thought that through their new citizen, Marie Françoise Thérèse +Martin, their town would be rendered immortal. + +* * * * * * + +"The cell at Lisieux reminds us of the cell of the Blessed Gabriel +at Isola. There is the same even tenor of way, the same +magnificant fidelity in little things, the same flames of divine +charity, consuming but concealed. Nazareth, with the simplicity of +its Child, and the calm abysmal love of Mary and Joseph--Nazareth, +adorable but imitable, gives the key to her spirit, and her +Autobiography does but repeat the lessons of the thirty hidden +years."[2] + +And it repeats them with an unrivalled charm. "This master of +asceticism," writes a biographer[3] of St. Ignatius Loyola, "loved +the garden and loved the flowers. In the balcony of his study he +sat gazing on the stars: it was then Lainez heard him say: 'Oh, +how earth grows base to me when I look on Heaven!' . . . The like +imaginative strain, so scorned of our petty day, inhered in all +the lofty souls of that age. Even the Saints of our day speak a +less radiant language: and sanctity shows 'shorn of its rays' +through the black fog of universal utilitarianism, the materiality +which men have drawn into the very lungs of their souls." + +This is not true of the sainted authoress of the chapters that +follow--"less radiant," in the medium of a translation. In her +own inimitable pages, as in those of a Campion or an Ignatius, a +Teresa of Avila, or a John of the Cross--the Spirit of Poetry is +the handmaiden of Holiness. This new lover of flowers and student +of the stars, this "strewer of roses," has uplifted a million +hearts from the "base earth" and "black fog" to the very throne of +God, and her mission is as yet but begun. + +The pen of Soeur Thérèse herself must now take up the narrative. +It will do so in words that do not merely tell of love but set the +heart on fire, and at the same time lay bare the workings of God +in a soul that "since the age of three never refused the Good God +anything." The writing of this Autobiography was an act of +obedience, and the Prioress who imposed the task sought, in all +simplicity, her own personal edification. But the fragrance of its +pages was such that she was advised to publish them to the world. +She did so in 1899 under the title of _L'Histoire d'une Âme._ An +English version by M. H. Dziewicki appeared in 1901. + +This new translation relates more fully the story of the +childhood, girlhood, and brief convent days of Soeur Thérèse. It +tells of her "Roses," and sets forth again, in our world-wide +tongue, her world-wide embassy--the ever ancient message of God's +Merciful Love, the ever new _way_ to Him of "confidence and +self-surrender." + +The Editor. +______________________________ + +[1] The baptismal entry, with its numerous signatures, is shown to +visitors, and a tablet in the baptistry of the beautiful Gothic +church tells the pilgrim that here the "Little Queen" was made a +child of God. [Ed.] + +[2] _"As Little Children"_: the abridged life of Soeur Thérèse. +Published at the Orphans' Press, Rochdale. + +[3] Francis Thompson. + +______________________________ + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX, ENTITLED BY +HERSELF: "THE STORY OF THE SPRINGTIME OF A LITTLE WHITE FLOWER" + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER I +EARLIEST MEMORIES + +It is to you, dear Mother, that I am about to confide the story of +my soul. When you asked me to write it, I feared the task might +unsettle me, but since then Our Lord has deigned to make me +understand that by simple obedience I shall please Him best. I +begin therefore to sing what must be my eternal song: "the Mercies +of the Lord."[1] + +Before setting about my task I knelt before the statue of Our Lady +which had given my family so many proofs of Our Heavenly Mother's +loving care.[2] As I knelt I begged of that dear Mother to guide +my hand, and thus ensure that only what was pleasing to her should +find place here. + +Then opening the Gospels, my eyes fell on these words: "Jesus, +going up into a mountain, called unto Him whom He would +Himself."[3] + +They threw a clear light upon the mystery of my vocation and of my +entire life, and above all upon the favours which Our Lord has +granted to my soul. He does not call those who are worthy, but +those whom He will. As St. Paul says: "God will have mercy on whom +He will have mercy.[4] So then it is not of him that willeth, nor +of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."[5] + +I often asked myself why God had preferences, why all souls did +not receive an equal measure of grace. I was filled with wonder +when I saw extraordinary favours showered on great sinners like +St. Paul, St. Augustine, St. Mary Magdalen, and many others, whom +He forced, so to speak, to receive His grace. In reading the lives +of the Saints I was surprised to see that there were certain +privileged souls, whom Our Lord favoured from the cradle to the +grave, allowing no obstacle in their path which might keep them +from mounting towards Him, permitting no sin to soil the spotless +brightness of their baptismal robe. And again it puzzled me why so +many poor savages should die without having even heard the name of +God. + +Our Lord has deigned to explain this mystery to me. He showed me +the book of nature, and I understood that every flower created by +Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the +whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or +the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the +lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide +beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely +hues. And so it is in the world of souls, Our Lord's living +garden. He has been pleased to create great Saints who may be +compared to the lily and the rose, but He has also created lesser +ones, who must be content to be daisies or simple violets +flowering at His Feet, and whose mission it is to gladden His +Divine Eyes when He deigns to look down on them. And the more +gladly they do His Will the greater is their perfection. + +I understood this also, that God's Love is made manifest as well +in a simple soul which does not resist His grace as in one more +highly endowed. In fact, the characteristic of love being +self-abasement, if all souls resembled the holy Doctors who have +illuminated the Church, it seems that God in coming to them would +not stoop low enough. But He has created the little child, who +knows nothing and can but utter feeble cries, and the poor savage +who has only the natural law to guide him, and it is to their +hearts that He deigns to stoop. These are the field flowers whose +simplicity charms Him; and by His condescension to them Our +Saviour shows His infinite greatness. As the sun shines both on +the cedar and on the floweret, so the Divine Sun illumines every +soul, great and small, and all correspond to His care--just as in +nature the seasons are so disposed that on the appointed day the +humblest daisy shall unfold its petals. + +You will wonder, dear Mother, to what all this is leading, for +till now I have said nothing that sounds like the story of my +life; but did you not tell me to write quite freely whatever came +into my mind? So, it will not be my life properly speaking, that +you will find in these pages, but my thoughts about the graces +which it has pleased Our Lord to bestow on me. + +I am now at a time of life when I can look back on the past, for +my soul has been refined in the crucible of interior and exterior +trials. Now, like a flower after the storm, I can raise my head +and see that the words of the Psalm are realised in me: "The Lord +is my Shepherd and I shall want nothing. He hath set me in a place +of pasture. He hath brought me up on the water of refreshment. He +hath converted my soul. He hath led me on the paths of justice for +His own Name's sake. For though I should walk in the midst of the +shadow of death, I will fear no evils for Thou are with me."[6] + +Yes, to me Our Lord has always been "compassionate and merciful, +long-suffering and plenteous in mercy."[7] + +And so it gives me great joy, dear Mother, to come to you and sing +His unspeakable mercies. It is for you alone that I write the +story of the little flower gathered by Jesus. This thought will +help me to speak freely, without troubling either about style or +about the many digressions that I shall make; for a Mother's heart +always understands her child, even when it can only lisp, and so I +am sure of being understood and my meaning appreciated. + +If a little flower could speak, it seems to me that it would tell +us quite simply all that God has done for it, without hiding any +of its gifts. It would not, under the pretext of humility, say +that it was not pretty, or that it had not a sweet scent, that the +sun had withered its petals, or the storm bruised its stem, if it +knew that such were not the case. + +The Little Flower, that now tells her tale, rejoiced in having to +publish the wholly undeserved favours bestowed upon her by Our +Lord. She knows that she had nothing in herself worthy of +attracting Him: His Mercy alone showered blessings on her. He +allowed her to grow in holy soil enriched with the odour of +purity, and preceded by eight lilies of shining whiteness. In His +Love He willed to preserve her from the poisoned breath of the +world--hardly had her petals unfolded when this good Master +transplanted her to the mountain of Carmel, Our Lady's chosen +garden. + +And now, dear Mother, having summed up in a few words all that +God's goodness has done for me, I will relate in detail the story +of my childhood. I know that, though to others it may seem +wearisome, your motherly heart will find pleasure in it. In the +story of my soul, up to the time of my entry into the Carmel, +there are three clearly marked periods: the first, in spite of its +shortness, is by no means the least rich in memories. + +It extends from the dawn of reason to the death of my dearly loved +Mother; in other words, till I was four years and eight months +old. God, in His goodness, did me the favour of awakening my +intelligence very early, and He has imprinted the recollections of +my childhood so deeply in my memory that past events seem to have +happened but yesterday. Without doubt He wished to make me know +and appreciate the Mother He had given me. Alas! His Divine Hand +soon took her from me to crown her in Heaven. + +All my life it has pleased Him to surround me with affection. My +first recollections are of loving smiles and tender caresses; but +if He made others love me so much, He made me love them too, for I +was of an affectionate nature. + +You can hardly imagine how much I loved my Father and Mother, and, +being very demonstrative, I showed my love in a thousand little +ways, though the means I employed make me smile now when I think +of them. + +Dear Mother, you have given me the letters which my Mother wrote +at this time to Pauline, who was at school at the Visitation +Convent at Le Mans. I remember perfectly the events they refer to, +but it will be easier for me simply to quote some passages, though +these charming letters, inspired by a Mother's love, are too often +full of my praises. + +In proof of what I have said about my way of showing affection for +my parents, here is an example: "Baby is the dearest little rogue; +she comes to kiss me, and at the same time wishes me to die. 'Oh, +how I wish you would die, dear Mamma,' she said, and when she was +scolded she was quite astonished, and answered: 'But I want you to +go to Heaven, and you say we must die to go there'; and in her +outburst of affection for her Father she wishes him to die too. +The dear little thing will hardly leave me, she follows me +everywhere, but likes going into the garden best; when I am not +there she refuses to stay, and cries so much that they are obliged +to bring her back. She will not even go upstairs alone without +calling me at each step, 'Mamma! Mamma!' and if I forget to answer +'Yes, darling!' she waits where she is, and will not move." + +I was nearly three years old when my Mother wrote: "Little Thérèse +asked me the other day if she would go to Heaven. 'Yes, if you are +good,' I told her. 'Oh, Mamma,' she answered, 'then if I am not +good, shall I go to Hell? Well, you know what I will do--I shall +fly to you in Heaven, and you will hold me tight in your arms, and +how could God take me away then?' I saw that she was convinced +that God could do nothing to her if she hid herself in my arms." + +"Marie loves her little sister very much; indeed she is a child +who delights us all. She is extraordinarily outspoken, and it is +charming to see her run after me to confess her childish faults: +'Mamma, I have pushed Céline; I slapped her once, but I'll not do +it again.' The moment she has done anything mischievous, everyone +must know. Yesterday, without meaning to do so, she tore off a +small piece of wall paper; you would have been sorry for her--she +wanted to tell her father immediately. When he came home four +hours later, everyone else had forgotten about it, but she ran at +once to Marie saying: 'Tell Papa that I tore the paper.' She +waited there like a criminal for sentence; but she thinks she is +more easily forgiven if she accuses herself." + +Papa's name fills me with many happy memories. Mamma laughingly +said he always did whatever I wanted, but he answered: "Well, why +not? She is the Queen!" Then he would lift me on to his shoulder, +and caress me in all sorts of ways. Yet I cannot say that he +spoilt me. I remember one day while I was swinging he called out +as he passed: "Come and kiss me, little Queen." Contrary to my +usual custom, I would not stir, and answered pertly: "You must +come for it, Papa." He refused quite rightly, and went away. Marie +was there and scolded me, saying: "How naughty to answer Papa like +that!" Her reproof took effect; I got off the swing at once, and +the whole house resounded with my cries. I hurried upstairs, not +waiting this time to call Mamma at each step; my one thought was +to find Papa and make my peace with him. I need not tell you that +this was soon done. + +I could not bear to think I had grieved my beloved parents, and I +acknowledged my faults instantly, as this little anecdote, related +by my Mother, will show: "One morning before going downstairs I +wanted to kiss Thérèse; she seemed to be fast asleep, and I did +not like to wake her, but Marie said: 'Mamma, I am sure she is +only pretending.' So I bent down to kiss her forehead, and +immediately she hid herself under the clothes, saying in the tone +of a spoilt child: 'I don't want anyone to look at me.' I was not +pleased with her, and told her so. A minute or two afterwards I +heard her crying, and was surprised to see her by my side. She had +got out of her cot by herself, and had come downstairs with bare +feet, stumbling over her long nightdress. Her little face was wet +with tears: 'Mamma,' she said, throwing herself on my knee, 'I am +sorry for being naughty--forgive me!' Pardon was quickly granted; +I took the little angel in my arms and pressed her to my heart, +smothering her with kisses." + +I remember also my great affection for my eldest sister Marie, who +had just left school. Without seeming to do so, I took in all that +I saw and heard, and I think that I reflected on things then as I +do now. I listened attentively while she taught Céline, and was +very good and obedient, so as to obtain the privilege of being +allowed in the room during lessons. She gave me many trifling +presents which pleased me greatly. I was proud of my two big +sisters; but as Pauline seemed so far away from us, I thought of +her all day long. When I was only just learning to talk, and Mamma +asked: "What are you thinking about?" my answer invariably was: +"Pauline." Sometimes I heard people saying that Pauline would be a +nun, and, without quite knowing what it meant, I thought: "I will +be a nun too." This is one of my first recollections, and I have +never changed my mind; so it was the example of this beloved +sister which, from the age of two, drew me to the Divine Spouse of +Virgins. My dearest Mother, what tender memories of Pauline I +could confide to you here! But it would take me too long. + +Léonie had also a very warm place in my heart; she loved me very +much, and her love was returned. In the evening when she came home +from school she used to take care of me while the others went out, +and it seems to me I can still hear the sweet songs she sang to +put me to sleep. I remember perfectly the day of her First +Communion, and I remember also her companion, the poor child whom +my Mother dressed, according to the touching custom of the +well-to-do families in Alençon. This child did not leave Léonie +for an instant on that happy day, and in the evening at the grand +dinner she sat in the place of honour. Alas! I was too small to +stay up for this feast, but I shared in it a little, thanks to +Papa's goodness, for he came himself to bring his little Queen a +piece of the iced cake. + +The only one now left to speak of is Céline, the companion of my +childhood. My memories of her are so many that I do not know which +to choose. We understood each other perfectly, but I was much more +forward and lively, and far less ingenuous. Here is a letter which +will show you, dear Mother, how sweet was Céline, and how naughty +Thérèse. I was then nearly three years old, and Céline six and a +half. "Céline is naturally inclined to be good; as to the little +puss, Thérèse, one cannot tell how she will turn out, she is so +young and heedless. She is a very intelligent child, but has not +nearly so sweet a disposition as her sister, and her stubbornness +is almost unconquerable. When she has said 'No,' nothing will make +her change; one could leave her all day in the cellar without +getting her to say 'Yes.' She would sooner sleep there." + +I had another fault also, of which my Mother did not speak in her +letters: it was self-love. Here are two instances: --One day, no +doubt wishing to see how far my pride would go, she smiled and +said to me, "Thérèse, if you will kiss the ground I will give you +a halfpenny." In those days a halfpenny was a fortune, and in +order to gain it I had not far to stoop, for I was so tiny there +was not much distance between me and the ground; but my pride was +up in arms, and holding myself very erect, I said, "No, thank you, +Mamma, I would rather go without it." + +Another time we were going into the country to see some friends. +Mamma told Marie to put on my prettiest frock, but not to let me +have bare arms. I did not say a word, and appeared as indifferent +as children of that age should be, but I said to myself, "I should +have looked much prettier with bare arms." + +With such a disposition I feel sure that had I been brought up by +careless parents I should have become very wicked, and perhaps +have lost my soul. But Jesus watched over His little Spouse, and +turned even her faults to advantage, for, being checked early in +life, they became a means of leading her towards perfection. For +instance, as I had great self-love and an innate love of good as +well, it was enough to tell me once: "You must not do that," and I +never wanted to do it again. Having only good example before my +eyes, I naturally wished to follow it, and I see with pleasure in +my Mother's letters that as I grew older I began to be a greater +comfort. This is what she writes in 1876: "Even Thérèse is anxious +to make sacrifices. Marie has given her little sisters a string of +beads on purpose to count their acts of self-denial. They have +really spiritual, but very amusing, conversations together. Céline +said the other day: 'How can God be in such a tiny Host?' Thérèse +answered: 'That is not strange, because God is Almighty!' 'And +what does Almighty mean?' 'It means that He can do whatever He +likes.' + +"But it is more amusing still to see Thérèse put her hand in her +pocket, time after time, to pull a bead along the string, whenever +she makes a little sacrifice. The children are inseparable, and +are quite sufficient company for one another. Nurse has given +Thérèse two bantams, and every day after dinner she and Céline sit +by the fire and play with them. + +"One morning Thérèse got out of her cot and climbed into Céline's. +The nurse went to fetch her to be dressed, and, when at last she +found her, the little thing said, hugging her sister very hard: +'Oh, Louise! leave me here, don't you see that we are like the +little white bantams, we can't be separated from one another.'" + +It is quite true that I could not be separated from Céline; I +would rather leave my dessert unfinished at table than let her go +without me, and I would get down from my high chair when she did, +and off we went to play together. On Sundays, as I was still too +small to go to the long services, Mamma stayed at home to take +care of me. I was always very good, walking about on tip-toe; but +as soon as I heard the door open there was a tremendous outburst +of joy--I threw myself on my dear little sister, exclaiming: "Oh, +Céline! give me the blessed bread, quick!"[8] One day she had not +brought any--what was to be done? I could not do without it, for I +called this little feast my Mass. A bright idea struck me: "You +have no blessed bread! --make some." Céline immediately opened the +cupboard, took out the bread, cut a tiny bit off, and after saying +a Hail Mary quite solemnly over it, triumphantly presented it to +me; and I, making the sign of the Cross, ate it with devotion, +fancying it tasted exactly like the real blessed bread. + +One day Léonie, thinking no doubt that she was too big to play +with dolls, brought us a basket filled with clothes, pretty pieces +of stuff, and other trifles on which her doll was laid: "Here, +dears," she said, "choose whatever you like." Céline looked at it, +and took a woollen ball. After thinking about it for a minute, I +put out my hand saying: "I choose everything," and I carried off +both doll and basket without more ado. + +This childish incident was a forecast, so to speak, of my whole +life. Later on, when the way of perfection was opened out before +me, I realised that in order to become a Saint one must suffer +much, always seek the most perfect path, and forget oneself. I +also understood that there are many degrees of holiness, that each +soul is free to respond to the calls of Our Lord, to do much or +little for His Love--in a word, to choose amongst the sacrifices +He asks. And then also, as in the days of my childhood, I cried +out: "My God, I choose everything, I will not be a Saint by +halves, I am not afraid of suffering for Thee, I only fear one +thing, and that is to do my own will. Accept the offering of my +will, for I choose all that Thou willest." + +But, dear Mother, I am forgetting myself--I must not tell you yet +of my girlhood, I am still speaking of the baby of three and four +years old. + +I remember a dream I had at that age which impressed itself very +deeply on my memory. I thought I was walking alone in the garden +when, suddenly, I saw near the arbour two hideous little devils +dancing with surprising agility on a barrel of lime, in spite of +the heavy irons attached to their feet. At first they cast fiery +glances at me; then, as though suddenly terrified, I saw them, in +the twinkling of an eye, throw themselves down to the bottom of +the barrel, from which they came out somehow, only to run and hide +themselves in the laundry which opened into the garden. Finding +them such cowards, I wanted to know what they were going to do, +and, overcoming my fears, I went to the window. The wretched +little creatures were there, running about on the tables, not +knowing how to hide themselves from my gaze. From time to time +they came nearer, peering through the windows with an uneasy air, +then, seeing that I was still there, they began to run about again +looking quite desperate. Of course this dream was nothing +extraordinary; yet I think Our Lord made use of it to show me that +a soul in the state of grace has nothing to fear from the devil, +who is a coward, and will even fly from the gaze of a little child. + +Dear Mother, how happy I was at that age! I was beginning to enjoy +life, and goodness itself seemed full of charms. Probably my +character was the same as it is now, for even then I had great +self-command, and made a practice of never complaining when my +things were taken; even if I was unjustly accused, I preferred to +keep silence. There was no merit in this, for I did it naturally. + +How quickly those sunny years of my childhood passed away, and +what tender memories they have imprinted on my mind! I remember +the Sunday walks when my dear Mother always accompanied us; and I +can still feel the impression made on my childish heart at the +sight of the fields bright with cornflowers, poppies, and +marguerites. Even at that age I loved far-stretching views, sunlit +spaces and stately trees; in a word, all nature charmed me and +lifted up my soul to Heaven. + +Often, during these walks, we met poor people. I was always chosen +to give them an alms, which made me feel very happy. Sometimes, my +dear Father, knowing the way was too long for his little Queen, +took me home. This was a cause of grief, and to console me Céline +would fill her basket with daisies, and give them to me on her +return. Truly everything on earth smiled on me; I found flowers +strewn at every step, and my naturally happy disposition helped to +make life bright. But a new era was about to dawn. + +I was to be the Spouse of Our Lord at such an early age that it +was necessary I should suffer from my childhood. As the early +spring flowers begin to come up under the snow and open at the +first rays of the sun, so the Little Flower whose story I am +writing had to pass through the winter of trial and to have her +tender cup filled with the dew of tears. +______________________________ + +[1] Ps. 88[89]:1. + +[2] This statue twice appeared as if endowed with life, in order +to enlighten and console Mme. Martin, mother of Thérèse. A like +favour was granted to Thérèse herself, as will be seen in the +course of the narrative. + +[3] Mark 3:13. + +[4] Cf. Exodus 33:19. + +[5] Cf. Rom. 9:16. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 22[23]:1-4. + +[7] Ps. 102[103]:8. + +[8] The custom still prevails in some parts of France of blessing +bread at the Offertory of the Mass and then distributing it to the +faithful. It is known as _pain bénit._ This blessing only takes +place at the Parochial Mass. [Ed.] + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER II +A CATHOLIC HOUSEHOLD + +All the details of my Mother's illness are still fresh in my mind. +I remember especially her last weeks on earth, when Céline and I +felt like poor little exiles. Every morning a friend came to fetch +us, and we spent the day with her. Once, we had not had time to +say our prayers before starting, and on the way my little sister +whispered: "Must we tell her that we have not said our prayers?" +"Yes," I answered. So, very timidly, Céline confided our secret to +her, and she exclaimed: "Well, well, children, you shall say +them." Then she took us to a large room, and left us there. Céline +looked at me in amazement. I was equally astonished, and +exclaimed: "This is not like Mamma, she always said our prayers +with us." During the day, in spite of all efforts to amuse us, the +thought of our dear Mother was constantly in our minds. I remember +once, when my sister had an apricot given to her, she leant +towards me and said: "We will not eat it, I will give it to +Mamma." Alas! our beloved Mother was now too ill to eat any +earthly fruit; she would never more be satisfied but by the glory +of Heaven. There she would drink of the mysterious wine which +Jesus, at His Last Supper, promised to share with us in the +Kingdom of His Father. + +The touching ceremony of Extreme Unction made a deep impression on +me. I can still see the place where I knelt, and hear my poor +Father's sobs. + +My dear Mother died on August 28, 1877, in her forty-sixth year. +The day after her death my Father took me in his arms and said: +"Come and kiss your dear Mother for the last time." Without saying +a word I put my lips to her icy forehead. I do not remember having +cried much, and I did not talk to anyone of all that filled my +heart; I looked and listened in silence, and I saw many things +they would have hidden from me. Once I found myself close to the +coffin in the passage. I stood looking at it for a long time; I +had never seen one before, but I knew what it was. I was so small +that I had to lift up my head to see its whole length, and it +seemed to me very big and very sad. + +Fifteen years later I was again standing by another coffin, that +of our holy Mother Genevieve,[1] and I was carried back to the +days of my childhood. Memories crowded upon me; it was the same +little Thérèse who looked at it, but she had grown, and the coffin +seemed small. She had not to lift up her head to it, now she only +raised her eyes to contemplate Heaven which seemed to her very +full of joy, for trials had matured and strengthened her soul, so +that nothing on earth could make her grieve. + +Our Lord did not leave me wholly an orphan; on the day of my +Mother's funeral He gave me another mother, and allowed me to +choose her freely. We were all five together, looking at one +another sadly, when our nurse, overcome with emotion, said, +turning to Céline and to me: "Poor little dears, you no longer +have a Mother." Then Céline threw herself into Marie's arms, +crying: "Well, you will be my Mother now." I was so accustomed to +imitate Céline that I should undoubtedly have followed her +example, but I feared Pauline would be sad and feel herself left +out if she too had not a little daughter. So, with a loving look, +I hid my face on her breast saying in my turn: "And Pauline will +be my Mother." + +That day, as I have said, began the second period of my life. It +was the most sorrowful of all, especially after Pauline, my second +Mother, entered the Carmel; and it lasted from the time I was four +years old until I was fourteen, when I recovered much of my +childish gaiety, even though I understood more fully the serious +side of life. + +I must tell you that after my Mother's death my naturally happy +disposition completely changed. Instead of being lively and +demonstrative as I had been, I became timid, shy, and extremely +sensitive; a look was enough to make me burst into tears. I could +not bear to be noticed or to meet strangers, and was only at ease +in my own family circle. There I was always cherished with the +most loving care; my Father's affectionate heart seemed endowed +with a mother's love, and my sisters were no less tender and +devoted. If Our Lord had not lavished so much love and sunshine on +His Little Flower, she never could have become acclimatised to +this earth. Still too weak to bear the storm, she needed warmth, +refreshing dew, and soft breezes, and these gifts were never +wanting to her, even in the chilling seasons of trials. + +Soon after my Mother's death, Papa made up his mind to leave +Alençon and live at Lisieux, so that we might be near our uncle, +my Mother's brother. He made this sacrifice in order that my young +sisters should have the benefit of their aunt's guidance in their +new life, and that she might act as a mother towards them. I did +not feel any grief at leaving my native town: children love change +and anything out of the common, and so I was pleased to come to +Lisieux. I remember the journey quite well, and our arrival in the +evening at my uncle's house, and I can still see my little +cousins, Jeanne and Marie, waiting on the doorstep with my aunt. +How touching was the affection all these dear ones showed us! + +The next day they took us to our new home, _Les Buissonets,_[2] +situated in a quiet part of the town. I was charmed with the house +my Father had taken. The large upper window from which there was +an extensive view, the flower garden in front, and the kitchen +garden at the back--all these seemed delightfully new to my +childish mind; and this happy home became the scene of many joys +and of family gatherings which I can never forget. Elsewhere, as I +said before, I felt an exile, I cried and fretted for my Mother; +but here my little heart expanded, and I smiled on life once more. + +When I woke there were my sisters ready to caress me, and I said +my prayers kneeling between them. Then Pauline gave me my reading +lesson, and I remember that "Heaven" was the first word I could +read alone. When lessons were over I went upstairs, where Papa was +generally to be found, and how pleased I was when I had good marks +to show. Every afternoon I went out for a walk with him, and we +paid a visit to the Blessed Sacrament in one or other of the +Churches. It was in this way that I first saw the Chapel of the +Carmel: "Look, little Queen," Papa said to me, "behind that big +grating there are holy nuns who are always praying to Almighty +God." Little did I think that nine years later I should be amongst +them, that in this blessed Carmel I should receive so many graces. + +On returning home I learnt my lessons, and then spent the rest of +the day playing in the garden near Papa. I never cared for dolls, +but one of my favourite amusements was making coloured mixtures +with seeds and the bark of trees. If the colours were pretty, I +would promptly offer them to Papa in a little cup and entice him +to taste them; then my dearest Father would leave his work and +smilingly pretend to drink. I was very fond of flowers, and amused +myself by making little altars in holes which I happened to find +in the middle of my garden wall. When finished I would run and +call Papa, and he seemed delighted with them. I should never stop +if I told you of the thousand and one incidents of this kind that +I can remember. How shall I make you understand the love that my +Father lavished on his little Queen! + +Those were specially happy days for me when I went fishing with my +dear "King," as I used to call him. Sometimes I tried my hand with +a small rod of my own, but generally I preferred to sit on the +grass some distance away. Then my reflections became really deep, +and, without knowing what meditation meant, my soul was absorbed +in prayer. Far-off sounds reached me, the murmuring of the wind, +sometimes a few uncertain notes of music from a military band in +the town a long way off; all this imparted a touch of melancholy +to my thoughts. Earth seemed a place of exile, and I dreamed of +Heaven. + +The afternoon passed quickly away, and it was soon time to go +home, but before packing up I would eat the provisions I had +brought in a small basket. Somehow the slices of bread and jam, +prepared by my sisters, looked different; they had seemed so +tempting, and now they looked stale and uninviting. Even such a +trifle as this made the earth seem sadder, and I realised that +only in Heaven will there be unclouded joy. + +Speaking of clouds, I remember how one day when we were out, the +blue sky became overcast and a storm came on, accompanied by vivid +lightning. I looked round on every side, so as to lose nothing of +the grand sight. A thunderbolt fell in a field close by, and, far +from feeling the least bit afraid, I was delighted--it seemed that +God was so near. Papa was not so pleased, and put an end to my +reverie, for already the tall grass and daisies, taller than I, +were sparkling with rain-drops, and we had to cross several fields +to reach the road. In spite of his fishing tackle, he carried me +in his arms while I looked down in the beautiful jewelled drops, +almost sorry that I could not be drenched by them. + +I do not think I have told you that in our daily walks at Lisieux, +as in Alençon, I often used to give alms to the beggars. One day +we came upon a poor old man who dragged himself painfully along on +crutches. I went up to give him a penny. He looked sadly at me for +a long time, and then, shaking his head with a sorrowful smile, he +refused my alms. I cannot tell you what I felt; I had wished to +help and comfort him, and instead of that, I had, perhaps, hurt +him and caused him pain. He must have guessed my thought, for I +saw him turn round and smile at me when we were some way off. + +Just then Papa bought me a cake. I wished very much to run after +the old man and give it to him, for I thought: "Well, he did not +want money, but I am sure he would like to have a cake." I do not +know what held me back, and I felt so sad I could hardly keep from +crying; then I remembered having heard that one obtains all the +favours asked for on one's First Communion Day. This thought +consoled me immediately, and though I was only six years old at +the time, I said to myself: "I will pray for my poor old man on +the day of my First Communion." Five years later I faithfully kept +my resolution. I have always thought that my childish prayer for +this suffering member of Christ has been blessed and rewarded. + +As I grew older my love of God grew more and more. I often offered +my heart to Him, using the words my Mother had taught me, and I +tried very hard to please Him in all my actions, taking great care +never to offend Him. And yet one day I committed a fault which I +must tell you here--it gives me a good opportunity of humbling +myself, though I believe I have grieved over it with perfect +contrition. + +It was the month of May, 1878. My sisters decided that I was too +small to go to the May devotions every evening, so I stayed at +home with the nurse and said my prayers with her before the little +altar which I had arranged according to my own taste. Everything +was small--candlesticks, vases, and the rest; two wax vestas were +quite sufficient to light it up properly. Sometimes Victoire, the +maid, gave me some little bits of real candle, but not often. + +One evening, when we went to our prayers, I said to her: "Will you +begin the _Memorare?_ I am going to light the candles." She tried +to begin, and then looked at me and burst out laughing. Seeing my +precious vestas burning quickly away, I begged her once more to +say the _Memorare._ Again there was silence, broken only by bursts +of laughter. All my natural good temper deserted me. I got up +feeling dreadfully angry, and, stamping my foot furiously, I cried +out: "Victoire, you naughty girl!" She stopped laughing at once, +and looked at me in utter astonishment, then showed me--too +late--the surprise she had in store hidden under her apron--two +pieces of candle. My tears of anger were soon changed into tears +of sorrow; I was very much ashamed and grieved, and made a firm +resolution never to act in such a way again. + +Shortly after this I made my first confession.[3] It is a very +sweet memory. Pauline had warned me: "Thérèse, darling, it is not +to a man but to God Himself that you are going to tell your sins." +I was so persuaded of this that I asked her quite seriously if I +should not tell Father Ducellier that I loved him "with my whole +heart," as it was really God I was going to speak to in his person. + +Well instructed as to what I was to do, I entered the +confessional, and turning round to the priest, so as to see him +better, I made my confession and received absolution in a spirit +of lively faith--my sister having assured me that at this solemn +moment the tears of the Holy Child Jesus would purify my soul. I +remember well that he exhorted me above all to a tender devotion +towards Our Lady, and I promised to redouble my love for her who +already filled so large a place in my heart. Then I passed him my +Rosary to be blessed, and came out of the Confessional more joyful +and lighthearted than I had ever felt before. It was evening, and +as soon as I got to a street lamp I stopped and took the newly +blessed Rosary out of my pocket, turning it over and over. "What +are you looking at, Thérèse, dear?" asked Pauline. "I am seeing +what a blessed Rosary looks like." This childish answer amused my +sisters very much. I was deeply impressed by the graces I had +received, and wished to go to confession again for all the big +feasts, for these confessions filled me with joy. The feasts! What +precious memories these simple words bring to me. I loved them; +and my sisters knew so well how to explain the mysteries hidden in +each one. Those days of earth became days of Heaven. Above all I +loved the procession of the Blessed Sacrament: what a joy it was +to strew flowers in God's path! But before scattering them on the +ground I threw them high in the air, and was never so happy as +when I saw my rose-leaves touch the sacred Monstrance. + +And if the great feasts came but seldom, each week brought one +very dear to my heart, and that was Sunday. What a glorious day! +The Feast of God! The day of rest! First of all the whole family +went to High Mass, and I remember that before the sermon we had to +come down from our places, which were some way from the pulpit, +and find seats in the nave. This was not always easy, but to +little Thérèse and her Father everyone offered a place. My uncle +was delighted when he saw us come down; he called me his +"Sunbeam," and said that to see the venerable old man leading his +little daughter by the hand was a sight which always filled him +with joy. I never troubled myself if people looked at me, I was +only occupied in listening attentively to the preacher. A sermon +on the Passion of our Blessed Lord was the first I understood, and +it touched me deeply. I was then five and a half, and after that +time I was able to understand and appreciate all instructions. If +St. Teresa was mentioned, my Father would bend down and whisper to +me: "Listen attentively, little Queen, he is speaking of your holy +patroness." I really did listen attentively, but I must own I +looked at Papa more than at the preacher, for I read many things +in his face. Sometimes his eyes were filled with tears which he +strove in vain to keep back; and as he listened to the eternal +truths he seemed no longer of this earth, his soul was absorbed in +the thought of another world. Alas! Many long and sorrowful years +had to pass before Heaven was to be opened to him, and Our Lord +with His Own Divine Hand was to wipe away the bitter tears of His +faithful servant. + +To go back to the description of our Sundays. This happy day which +passed so quickly had also its touch of melancholy; my happiness +was full till Compline, but after that a feeling of sadness took +possession of me. I thought of the morrow when one had to begin +again the daily life of work and lessons, and my heart, feeling +like an exile on this earth, longed for the repose of Heaven--the +never ending Sabbath of our true Home. Every Sunday my aunt +invited us in turns to spend the evening with her. I was always +glad when mine came, and it was a pleasure to listen to my uncle's +conversation. His talk was serious, but it interested me, and he +little knew that I paid such attention; but my joy was not unmixed +with fear when he took me on his knee and sang "Bluebeard" in his +deep voice. + +About eight o'clock Papa would come to fetch me. I remember that I +used to look up at the stars with inexpressible delight. Orion's +belt fascinated me especially, for I saw in it a likeness to the +letter "T." "Look, Papa," I would cry, "my name is written in +Heaven!" Then, not wishing to see this dull earth any longer, I +asked him to lead me, and with my head thrown back, I gazed +unweariedly at the starry skies. + +I could tell you much about our winter evenings at home. After a +game of draughts my sisters read aloud Dom Guéranger's _Liturgical +Year,_ and then a few pages of some other interesting and +instructive book. While this was going on I established myself on +Papa's knee, and when the reading was done he used to sing +soothing snatches of melody in his beautiful voice, as if to lull +me to sleep, and I would lay my head on his breast while he rocked +me gently to and fro. + +Later on we went upstairs for night prayers, and there again my +place was beside my beloved Father, and I had only to look at him +to know how the Saints pray. Pauline put me to bed, and I +invariably asked her: "Have I been good to-day? Is God pleased +with me? Will the Angels watch over me?" The answer was always +"Yes," otherwise I should have spent the whole night in tears. +After these questions my sisters kissed me, and little Thérèse was +left alone in the dark. + +I look on it as a real grace that from childhood I was taught to +overcome my fears. Sometimes in the evening Pauline would send me +to fetch something from a distant room; she would take no refusal, +and she was quite right, for otherwise I should have become very +nervous, whereas now it is difficult to frighten me. I wonder +sometimes how my little Mother was able to bring me up with so +much tenderness, and yet without spoiling me, for she did not pass +over the least fault. It is true she never scolded me without +cause, and I knew well she would never change her mind when once a +thing was decided upon. + +To this dearly loved sister I confided my most intimate thoughts; +she cleared up all my doubts. One day I expressed surprise that +God does not give an equal amount of glory to all the elect in +Heaven--I was afraid that they would not all be quite happy. She +sent me to fetch Papa's big tumbler, and put it beside my tiny +thimble, then, filling both with water, she asked me which seemed +the fuller. I replied that one was as full as the other--it was +impossible to pour more water into either of them, for they could +not hold it. In this way Pauline made it clear to me that in +Heaven the least of the Blessed does not envy the happiness of the +greatest; and so, by bringing the highest mysteries down to the +level of my understanding, she gave my soul the food it needed. + +Joyfully each year I welcomed the prize day. Though I was the only +competitor, justice was none the less strictly observed, and I +never received rewards unless they were well merited. My heart +used to beat with excitement when I heard the decisions, and in +presence of the whole family received prizes from Papa's hands. It +was to me like a picture of the Judgment Day! + +Seeing Papa so cheerful, no suspicion of the terrible trials which +awaited him crossed my mind; but one day God showed me, in an +extraordinary vision, a vivid picture of the trouble to come. My +Father was away on a journey, and could not return as early as +usual. It was about two or three o'clock in the afternoon; the sun +was shining brightly, and all the world seemed gay. I was alone at +the window, looking on to the kitchen garden, my mind full of +cheerful thoughts, when I saw before me, in front of the +wash-house, a man dressed exactly like Papa, of the same height +and appearance, but more bent and aged. I say _aged,_ to describe +his general appearance, for I did not see his face as his head was +covered with a thick veil. He advanced slowly, with measured step, +along my little garden; at that instant a feeling of supernatural +fear seized me, and I called out loudly in a trembling voice: +"Papa, Papa!" The mysterious person seemed not to hear, he +continued his walk without even turning, and went towards a clump +of firs which grew in the middle of the garden. I expected to see +him reappear at the other side of the big trees, but the prophetic +vision had vanished. + +It was all over in a moment, but it was a moment which impressed +itself so deeply on my memory that even now, after so many years, +the remembrance of it is as vivid as the vision itself. + +My sisters were all together in an adjoining room. Hearing me call +"Papa!" they were frightened themselves, but Marie, hiding her +feelings, ran to me and said: "Why are you calling Papa, when he +is at Alençon?" I told her what I had seen, and to reassure me +they said that Nurse must have covered her head with her apron on +purpose to frighten me. Victoire, however, when questioned, +declared she had not left the kitchen--besides, the truth was too +deeply impressed on my mind: I had seen a man, and that man was +exactly like my Father. We all went to look behind the clump of +trees, and, finding nothing, my sisters told me to think no more +about it. Ah, that was not in my power! Often and often my +imagination brought before me this mysterious vision, often and +often I tried to raise the veil which hid its true meaning, and +deep down in my heart I had a conviction that some day it would be +fully revealed to me. And you know all, dear Mother. You know that +it was really my Father whom God showed me, bent by age, and +bearing on his venerable face and his white head the symbol of his +terrible trial.[4] + +As the Adorable Face of Jesus was veiled during His Passion, so it +was fitting that the face of His humble servant should be veiled +during the days of his humiliation, in order that it might shine +with greater brilliancy in Heaven. How I admire God's ways! He +showed us this precious cross beforehand, as a father shows his +children the glorious future he is preparing for them--a future +which will bring them an inheritance of priceless treasures. + +But a thought comes into my mind: "Why did God give this light to +a child who, if she had understood it, would have died of grief?" +"Why?" Here is one of those incomprehensible mysteries which we +shall only understand in Heaven, where they will be the subject of +our eternal admiration. My God, how good Thou art! How well dost +Thou suit the trial to our strength! + +At that time I had not courage even to think that Papa could die, +without being terrified. One day he was standing on a high +step-ladder, and as I was close by he called out: "Move away, +little Queen; if I fall I shall crush you." Instantly I felt an +inward shock, and, going still nearer to the ladder, I thought: +"At least if Papa falls I shall not have the pain of seeing him +die, for I shall die with him." I could never say how much I loved +him. I admired everything he did. When he explained his ideas on +serious matters, as if I were a big girl, I answered him naïvely: +"It is quite certain, Papa, that if you spoke like that to the +great men who govern the country they would take you and make you +King. Then France would be happier than it was ever been; but you +would be unhappy, because that is the lot of kings; besides you +would no longer be my King alone, so I am glad that they do not +know you." + +When I was six or seven years old I saw the sea for the first +time. The sight made a deep impression on me, I could not take my +eyes off it. Its majesty, and the roar of the waves, all spoke to +my soul of the greatness and power of God. I remember, when we +were on the beach, a man and woman looked at me for a long time, +then, asking Papa if I was his child, they remarked that I was a +very pretty little girl. Papa at once made a sign to them not to +flatter me; I was delighted to hear what they said, for I did not +think I was pretty. My sisters were most careful never to talk +before me in such a way as to spoil my simplicity and childish +innocence; and, because I believed so implicitly in them, I +attached little importance to the admiration of these people and +thought no more about it. + +That evening at the hour when the sun seems to sink into the vast +ocean, leaving behind it a trail of glory, I sat with Pauline on a +bare rock, and gazed for long on this golden furrow which she told +me was an image of grace illumining the way of faithful souls here +below. Then I pictured my soul as a tiny barque, with a graceful +white sail, in the midst of the furrow, and I resolved never to +let it withdraw from the sight of Jesus, so that it might sail +peacefully and quickly towards the Heavenly Shore. +______________________________ + +[1] This holy nun had been professed at the Carmel of Poitiers, +and was sent from there to make the foundation at Lisieux in 1838. +Her memory is held in benediction in both these convents; in the +sight of God she constantly practised the most heroic virtue, and +on December 5, 1891, crowned a life of good works by a holy death. +She was then eighty-six years of age. + +[2] This house, an object of deep interest to the clients of Soeur +Thérèse, is much frequented by pilgrims to Lisieux. [Ed.] + +[3] This first confession was made in the beautiful church of St. +Pierre, formerly the cathedral of Lisieux. [Ed.] + +[4] It seems advisable, on account of the vague allusions which +occur here and elsewhere, to state what happened to M. Louis +Martin. At the age of sixty-six, having already had several +partial attacks, he was struck with general paralysis, and his +mind gave way altogether. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER III +PAULINE ENTERS THE CARMEL + +I was eight and a half when Léonie left school, and I took her +place at the Benedictine Abbey in Lisieux. The girls of my class +were all older than myself; one of them was fourteen, and, though +not clever, she knew how to impose on the little ones. Seeing me +so young, nearly always first in class, and a favourite with all +the nuns, she was jealous, and used to pay me out in a thousand +ways. Naturally timid and sensitive, I did not know how to defend +myself, and could only cry in silence. Céline and my elder sisters +did not know of my grief, and, not being advanced enough in virtue +to rise above these troubles, I suffered considerably. + +Every evening I went home, and then my spirits rose. I would climb +on to Papa's knee, telling him what marks I had, and his caresses +made me forget all my troubles. With what delight I announced the +result of my first essay, for I won the maximum number of marks. +In reward I received a silver coin which I put in my money box for +the poor, and nearly every Thursday I was able to increase the +fund. + +Indeed, to be spoilt was a real necessity for me. The Little +Flower had need to strike its tender roots deeper and deeper into +the dearly loved garden of home, for nowhere else could it find +the nourishment it required. Thursday was a holiday, but it was +not like the holidays I had under Pauline, which I generally spent +upstairs with Papa. Not knowing how to play like other children, I +felt myself a dull companion. I tried my best to do as the others +did, but without success. + +After Céline, who was, so to say, indispensable to me, I sought +the company of my little cousin Marie, because she left me free to +choose the games I liked best. We were already closely united in +heart and will, as if God were showing us in advance how one day +in the Carmel we should embrace the same religious life.[1] + +Very often, at my uncle's house, we used to play at being two +austere hermits, with only a poor hut, a little patch of corn, and +a garden in which to grow a few vegetables. Our life was to be +spent in continual contemplation, one praying while the other +engaged in active duties. All was done with religious gravity and +decorum. If we went out, the make-believe continued even in the +street; the two hermits would say the Rosary, using their fingers +to count on, so as not to display their devotion before those who +might scoff. One day, however, the hermit Thérèse forgot +herself--before eating a cake, given her for lunch, she made a +large Sign of the Cross, and some worldly folk did not repress a +smile. + +We were so bent on always doing the same thing that sometimes we +carried it too far. Endeavouring one evening, on our way home from +school, to imitate the modest demeanour of the hermits, I said to +Marie: "Lead me, I am going to shut my eyes." "So am I," she +answered. Being on the pavement we were in no fear of vehicles, +and for a short while all went well, and we enjoyed walking with +our eyes shut; but presently we both fell over some boxes standing +at a shop door and knocked them down. The shopkeeper came out in a +rage to replace them, but the would-be blind pair picked +themselves up and ran off as fast as they could, with eyes wide +open. Then the hermits had to listen to a well-deserved scolding +from Jeanne, the maid, who seemed as vexed as the shopkeeper. + +I have not yet told you how Céline and I altered when we came to +Lisieux. She had now become the little romp, full of mischief, +while Thérèse had turned into a very quiet little girl, far too +much inclined to tears. I needed a champion, and who can say how +courageously my dear little sister played that part. We used to +enjoy making each other little presents, for, at that age, the +simplicity of our hearts was unspoiled. Like the spring flowers +they unfolded, glad to receive the morning dew, while the same +soft breezes swayed their petals. Yes, our joys were mutual. I +felt this especially on the happy day of Céline's First Communion; +I was only seven years old, and had not yet begun school at the +Abbey. How sweet is the remembrance of her preparation! Every +evening during its last weeks my sisters talked to her of the +great event. I listened, eager to prepare myself too, and my heart +swelled with grief when I was told to go away because I was still +too young. I thought that four years was not too long to spend in +making ready to receive Our dear Lord. One evening I heard someone +say to my happy little sister: "From the time of your First +Communion you must begin an entirely new life." At once I made a +resolution not to wait till the time of my First Communion, but to +begin with Céline. During her retreat she remained as a boarder at +the Abbey, and it seemed to me she was away a long time; but at +last the happy day came. What a delightful impression it has left +on my mind--it was like a foretaste of my own First Communion! How +many graces I received that day! I look on it as one of the most +beautiful of my life. + +I have gone back a little in order to recall these happy memories; +but now I must tell you of the mournful parting which crushed my +heart when Our Lord took from me my little Mother whom I loved so +dearly. I told her once that I would like to go away with her to a +far-off desert; she replied that it was her wish too, but that she +was waiting till I was big enough to set out. This impossible +promise I took in earnest, and what was my grief when I heard +Pauline talking to Marie about soon entering the Carmel! I did not +know the Carmel; but I knew that she was leaving me to enter a +convent, and that she would not wait for me. + +How can I describe the anguish I suffered! In a flash I saw life +spread out before me as it really is, full of sufferings and +frequent partings, and I shed bitter tears. At that time I did not +know the joy of sacrifice; I was weak--so weak that I look on it +as a great grace that I was able to bear such a trial, one +seemingly so much beyond my strength--and yet live. I shall never +forget how tenderly my little Mother consoled me, while explaining +the religious life. Then one evening, when I was thinking over the +picture she had drawn, I felt that the Carmel was the desert where +God wished me also to hide. I felt this so strongly that I had not +the least doubt about it; nor was it a childish dream, but the +certainty of a Divine Call. This impression, which I cannot +properly describe, left me with a feeling of great inward peace. + +Next day I confided my desires to Pauline. They seemed to her as a +proof of God's Will, and she promised to take me soon to the +Carmel, to see the Mother Prioress and to tell her my secret. This +solemn visit was fixed for a certain Sunday, and great was my +embarrassment on hearing that my cousin Marie--who was still young +enough to be allowed to see the Carmelites--was to come with us.[2] + +I had to contrive a means of being alone with the Reverend Mother, +and this is what I planned. I told Marie, that, as we were to have +the great privilege of seeing her, we must be very good and +polite, and tell her our little secrets, and in order to do that, +we must go out of the room in turns. Though she did not quite like +it, because she had no secrets to confide, Marie took me at my +word, and so I was able to be alone with you, dear Mother. You +listened to my great disclosure, and believed in my vocation, but +you told me that postulants were not received at the age of nine, +and that I must wait till I was sixteen. In spite of my ardent +desire to enter with Pauline and make my First Communion on her +clothing day, I had to be resigned. + +At last the 2nd of October came--a day of tears, but also of +blessings, when Our Lord gathered the first of His flowers, the +chosen flower who, later on, was to become the Mother of her +sisters.[3] Whilst Papa, with my uncle and Marie, climbed the +mountain of Carmel to offer his first sacrifice, my aunt took me +to Mass, with my sisters and cousins. We were bathed in tears, and +people gazed at us in astonishment when we entered the church, but +that did not stop our crying. I even wondered how the sun could go +on shining. Perhaps, dear Mother, you think I exaggerate my grief +a little. I confess that this parting ought not to have upset me +so much, but my soul was yet far from mature, and I had to pass +through many trials before reaching the haven of peace, before +tasting the delicious fruits of perfect love and of complete +abandonment to God's Will. + +In the afternoon of that October day, 1882, behind the grating of +the Carmel, I saw my beloved Pauline, now become Sister Agnes of +Jesus. Oh, how much I suffered in that parlour! As I am writing +the story of my soul, it seems to me that I ought to tell you +everything. Well, I acknowledge that I hardly counted the first +pains of this parting, in comparison with those which followed. I, +who had been accustomed to talk with my little Mother of all that +was in my heart, could now scarcely snatch two or three minutes +with her at the end of the family visits; even these short minutes +were passed in tears, and I went away with my heart torn with +grief. + +I did not realise that it was impossible to give us each half an +hour, and that of course Papa and Marie must have the largest +share. I could not understand all this, and I said from the depths +of my heart: "Pauline is lost to me." + +This suffering so affected me that I soon became seriously ill. +The illness was undoubtedly the work of the devil, who, in his +fury at this first entry into the Carmel, tried to avenge himself +on me for the great harm my family was to do him in the future. +However, he little knew that the Queen of Heaven was watching +faithfully over her Little Flower, that she was smiling upon it +from on high, ready to still the tempest just when the delicate +and fragile stalk was in danger of being broken once and for all. +At the close of the year 1882 I began to suffer from constant +headaches; they were bearable, however, and did not prevent me +from continuing my studies. This lasted till the Easter of 1883. +Just then Papa went to Paris with my elder sisters, and confided +Céline and me to the care of our uncle and aunt. One evening I was +alone with my uncle, and he talked so tenderly of my Mother and of +bygone days that I was deeply moved and began to cry. My +sensitiveness touched him too; he was surprised that one of my age +should feel as I did. So he determined to do all he could to +divert my mind during the holidays. + +But God had decided otherwise. That very evening my headache +became acute, and I was seized with a strange shivering which +lasted all night. My aunt, like a real mother, never left me for a +moment; all through my illness she lavished on me the most tender +and devoted care. You may imagine my poor Father's grief when he +returned from Paris to find me in this hopeless state; he thought +I was going to die, but Our Lord might have said to him: "This +sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God."[4] + +Yes, God was glorified by means of this trial, by the wonderful +resignation of my Father and sisters. And to Marie especially what +suffering it brought, and how grateful I am to this dear sister! +She seemed to divine my wants by instinct, for a mother's heart is +more knowing than the science of the most skilful doctors. + +And now Pauline's clothing day was drawing near; but, fearing to +distress me, no one dared mention it in my presence, since it was +taken for granted that I should not be well enough to be there. +Deep down in my heart, however, I firmly believed that God would +give me the consolation of seeing dear Pauline on that day. I was +quite sure that this feast would be unclouded; I knew that Our +Lord would not try His Spouse by depriving her of my presence, she +had already suffered so much on account of my illness. And so it +turned out. I was there, able to embrace my dear little Mother, to +sit on her knee, and, hiding myself under her veil, to receive her +loving caresses. I was able to feast my eyes upon her--she looked +so lovely in her veil and mantle of white. Truly it was a day of +happiness in the midst of heavy trials; but this day, or rather +this hour, passed only too quickly, and soon we were in the +carriage which was to take us away from the Carmel. On reaching +home I was made to lie down, though I did not feel at all tired; +but next day I had a serious relapse, and became so ill that, +humanly speaking, there was no hope of any recovery. + +I do not know how to describe this extraordinary illness. I said +things which I had never thought of; I acted as though I were +forced to act in spite of myself; I seemed nearly always to be +delirious; and yet I feel certain that I was never, for a minute, +deprived of my reason. Sometimes I remained in a state of extreme +exhaustion for hours together, unable to make the least movement, +and yet, in spite of this extraordinary torpor, hearing the least +whisper. I remember it still. And what fears the devil inspired! I +was afraid of everything; my bed seemed to be surrounded by +frightful precipices; nails in the wall took the terrifying +appearance of long fingers, shrivelled and blackened with fire, +making me cry out in terror. One day, while Papa stood looking at +me in silence, the hat in his hand was suddenly transformed into +some horrible shape, and I was so frightened that he went away +sobbing. + +But if God allowed the devil to approach me in this open way, +Angels too were sent to console and strengthen me. Marie never +left me, and never showed the least trace of weariness in spite of +all the trouble I gave her--for I could not rest when she was +away. During meals, when Victoire took care of me, I never ceased +calling tearfully "Marie! Marie!" When she wanted to go out, it +was only if she were going to Mass or to see Pauline that I kept +quiet. As for Léonie and my little Céline, they could not do +enough for me. On Sundays they shut themselves up for hours with a +poor child who seemed almost to have lost her reason. My own dear +sisters, how much I made you suffer! My uncle and aunt were also +devoted to me. My aunt came to see me every day, and brought me +many little gifts. I could never tell you how my love for these +dear ones increased during this illness. I understood better than +ever what Papa had so often told us: "Always remember, children, +that your uncle and aunt have devoted themselves to you in a way +that is quite exceptional." In his old age he experienced this +himself, and now he must bless and protect those who lavished upon +him such affectionate care.[5] + +When my sufferings grew less, my great delight was to weave +garlands of daisies and forget-me-nots for Our Lady's statue. We +were in the beautiful month of May, when all nature is clothed +with the flowers of spring; the Little Flower alone drooped, and +seemed as though it had withered for ever. Yet she too had a +shining sun, the miraculous statue of the Queen of Heaven. How +often did not the Little Flower turn towards this glorious Sun! + +One day Papa came into my room in the deepest distress, and I +watched him go up to Marie and give her some money, bidding her +write to Paris, and have a novena of Masses said at the shrine of +Our Lady of Victories,[6] to obtain the cure of his poor little +Queen. How touching were his faith and love! How much I longed to +get up and tell him I was cured! Alas! my wishes could not work a +miracle, and it needed one to restore me to health. Yes, it needed +a great miracle, and this was wrought by Our Lady of Victories +herself. + +One Sunday, during the novena, Marie went into the garden, leaving +me with Léonie, who was reading by the window. After a short time +I began to call: "Marie! Marie!" very softly. Léonie, accustomed +to hear me fret like this, took no notice, so I called louder, +until Marie came back to me. I saw her come into the room quite +well, but, for the first time, I failed to recognise her. I looked +all round and glanced anxiously into the garden, still calling: +"Marie! Marie!" Her anguish was perhaps greater than mine, and +that was unutterable. At last, after many fruitless efforts to +make me recognise her, she whispered a few words to Léonie, and +went away pale and trembling. Léonie presently carried me to the +window. There I saw the garden, and Marie walking up and down, but +still I did not recognise her; she came forward, smiling, and held +out her arms to me calling tenderly: "Thérèse, dear little +Thérèse!" This last effort failing, she came in again and knelt in +tears at the foot of my bed; turning towards the statue of Our +Lady, she entreated her with the fervour of a mother who begs the +life of her child and will not be refused. Léonie and Céline +joined her, and that cry of faith forced the gates of Heaven. I +too, finding no help on earth and nearly dead with pain, turned to +my Heavenly Mother, begging her from the bottom of my heart to +have pity on me. Suddenly the statue seemed to come to life and +grow beautiful, with a divine beauty that I shall never find words +to describe. The expression of Our Lady's face was ineffably +sweet, tender, and compassionate; but what touched me to the very +depths of my soul was her gracious smile. Then, all my pain +vanished, two big tears started to my eyes and fell silently. . . . + +They were indeed tears of unmixed heavenly joy. "Our Blessed Lady +has come to me, she has smiled at me. How happy I am, but I shall +tell no one, or my happiness will leave me!" Such were my +thoughts. Looking around, I recognised Marie; she seemed very much +overcome, and looked lovingly at me, as though she guessed that I +had just received a great grace. + +Indeed her prayers had gained me this unspeakable favour--a smile +from the Blessed Virgin! When she saw me with my eyes fixed on the +statue, she said to herself: "Thérèse is cured!" And it was true. +The Little Flower had come to life again--a bright ray from its +glorious Sun had warmed and set it free for ever from its cruel +enemy. "The dark winter is past, the rain is over and gone,"[7] +and Our Lady's Little Flower gathered such strength that five +years later it opened wide its petals on the fertile mountain of +Carmel. + +As I said before, Marie was convinced that Our Blessed Lady, while +restoring my bodily health, had granted me some hidden grace. So, +when I was alone with her, I could not resist her tender and +pressing inquiries. I was so astonished to find my secret already +known, without my having said a word, that I told her everything. +Alas! as I had foreseen, my joy was turned into bitterness. For +four years the remembrance of this grace was a cause of real pain +to me, and it was only in the blessed sanctuary of Our Lady of +Victories, at my Mother's feet, that I once again found peace. +There it was restored to me in all its fulness, as I will tell you +later. + +This is how my joy was changed into sadness. When Marie had heard +the childish, but perfectly sincere, account of the grace I had +received, she begged my leave to tell them at the Carmel, and I +did not like to refuse her. My first visit there after my illness +was full of joy at seeing Pauline clothed in the habit of Our Lady +of Carmel. It was a happy time for us both, we had so much to say, +we had both suffered so much. My heart was so full that I could +hardly speak. + +You were there, dear Mother, and plainly showed your affection for +me; I saw several other Sisters too, and you must remember how +they questioned me about my cure. Some asked if Our Lady was +holding the Infant Jesus in her arms, others if the Angels were +with her, and so on. All these questions distressed and grieved +me, and I could only make one answer: "Our Lady looked very +beautiful; I saw her come towards me and smile." But noticing that +the nuns thought something quite different had happened from what +I had told them, I began to persuade myself that I had been guilty +of an untruth. + +If only I had kept my secret I should have kept my happiness also. +But Our Lady allowed this trouble to befall me for the good of my +soul; perhaps without it vanity would have crept into my heart, +whereas now I was humbled, and I looked on myself with feelings of +contempt. My God, Thou alone knowest all that I suffered! +______________________________ + +[1] Marie Guérin entered the Carmel at Lisieux on August 15, 1895, +and took the name of Sister Mary of the Eucharist. She died on +April 14, 1905, aged thirty-four. + +[2] With the Carmelites the grating is only opened for near +relatives and very young children. [Ed.] + +[3] "Pauline" has several times been Prioress of the Carmel of +Lisieux, and in 1909 again succeeded to that office on the death +of the young and saintly Mother Mary of St. Angelus of the Child +Jesus. [Ed.] + +[4] John 11:4. + +[5] Mme. Guérin died holily on February 13, 1900, aged fifty-two. +During her illness Thérèse assisted her in an extraordinary way, +several times making her presence felt. Monsieur Guérin, having +for many years used his pen in defence of the Church, and his +fortune in the support of good works, died a beautiful death on +September 28, 1909, in his sixty-ninth year. [Ed.] + +[6] It was in this small church--once deserted and to-day perhaps +the most frequented in Paris--that the saintly Abbé Desgenettes +was inspired by Our Lady, in 1836, to establish the Confraternity +of the Immaculate Heart of Mary for the conversion of sinners. +[Ed.] + +[7] Cant. 2:11. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER IV +FIRST COMMUNION AND CONFIRMATION + +While describing this visit to the Carmel, my thoughts are carried +back to the first one which I paid after Pauline entered. On the +morning of that happy day, I wondered what name would be given to +me later on. I knew that there was already a Sister Teresa of +Jesus; nevertheless, my beautiful name of Thérèse could not be +taken from me. Suddenly I thought of the Child Jesus whom I loved +so dearly, and I felt how much I should like to be called Teresa +of the Child Jesus. I was careful not to tell you of my wish, dear +Mother, yet you said to me, in the middle of our conversation: +"When you come to us, little one, you will be called 'Teresa of +the Child Jesus.'" My joy was great indeed. This happy coincidence +of thought seemed a special favour from the Holy Child. + +So far I have not said anything about my love for pictures and +books, and yet I owe some of the happiest and strongest +impressions which have encouraged me in the practice of virtue to +the beautiful pictures Pauline used to show me. Everything was +forgotten while looking at them. For instance, "The Little Flower +of the Divine Prisoner" suggested so many thoughts that I would +remain gazing at it in a kind of ecstasy. I offered myself to Our +Lord to be His Little Flower; I longed to console Him, to draw as +near as possible to the Tabernacle, to be looked on, cared for, +and gathered by Him. + +As I was of no use at games, I should have preferred to spend all +my time in reading. Happily for me, I had visible guardian angels +to guide me in this matter; they chose books suitable to my age, +which interested me and at the same time provided food for my +thoughts and affections. I was only allowed a limited time for +this favourite recreation, and it became an occasion of much +self-sacrifice, for as soon as the time had elapsed I made it my +duty to stop instantly, even in the middle of a most interesting +passage. + +As to the impressions produced on me by these books, I must +frankly own that, in reading certain tales of chivalry, I did not +always understand the realities of life. And so, in my admiration +of the patriotic deeds of the heroines of France, especially of +the Venerable Joan of Arc, I longed to do what they had done. +About this time I received what I have looked on as one of the +greatest graces of my life, for, at that age, I was not favoured +with lights from Heaven, as I am now. + +Our Lord made me understand that the only true glory is that which +lasts for ever; and that to attain it there is no necessity to do +brilliant deeds, but rather to hide from the eyes of others, and +even from oneself, so that "the left hand knows not what the right +hand does."[1] Then, as I reflected that I was born for great +things, and sought the means to attain them, it was made known to +me interiorly that my personal glory would never reveal itself +before the eyes of men, but that it would consist in becoming a +Saint. + +This aspiration may very well appear rash, seeing how imperfect I +was, and am, even now, after so many years of religious life; yet +I still feel the same daring confidence that one day I shall +become a great Saint. I am not trusting in my own merits, for I +have none; but I trust in Him Who is Virtue and Holiness itself. +It is He alone Who, pleased with my feeble efforts, will raise me +to Himself, and, by clothing me with His merits, make me a Saint. +At that time I did not realise that to become one it is necessary +to suffer a great deal; but God soon disclosed this secret to me +by means of the trials I have related. + +I must now continue my story where I left off. Three months after +my cure Papa took me away for a change. It was a very pleasant +time, and I began to see something of the world. All around me was +joy and gladness; I was petted, made much of, admired--in fact, +for a whole fortnight my path was strewn with flowers. The Wise +Man is right when he says: "The bewitching of vanity overturneth +the innocent mind."[2] At ten years of age the heart is easily +fascinated, and I confess that in my case this kind of life had +its charms. Alas! the world knows well how to combine its +pleasures with the service of God. How little it thinks of death! +And yet death has come to many people I knew then, young, rich, +and happy. I recall to mind the delightful places where they +lived, and ask myself where they are now, and what profit they +derive to-day from the beautiful houses and grounds where I saw +them enjoying all the good things of this life, and I reflect that +"All is vanity besides loving God and serving Him alone."[3] + +Perhaps Our Lord wished me to know something of the world before +He paid His first visit to my soul, so that I might choose more +deliberately the way in which I was to follow Him. + +I shall always remember my First Communion Day as one of unclouded +happiness. It seems to me that I could not have been better +prepared. Do you remember, dear Mother, the charming little book +you gave me three months before the great day? I found in it a +helpful method which prepared me gradually and thoroughly. It is +true I had been thinking about my First Communion for a long time, +but, as your precious manuscript told me, I must stir up in my +heart fresh transports of love and fill it anew with flowers. So, +each day I made a number of little sacrifices and acts of love, +which were to be changed into so many flowers: now violets, +another time roses, then cornflowers, daisies, or +forget-me-nots--in a word, all nature's blossoms were to form in +me a cradle for the Holy Child. + +I had Marie, too, who took Pauline's place. Every evening I spent +a long time with her, listening eagerly to all she said. How +delightfully she talked to me! I felt myself set on fire by her +noble, generous spirit. As the warriors of old trained their +children in the profession of arms, so she trained me for the +battle of life, and roused my ardour by pointing to the victor's +glorious palm. She spoke, too, of the imperishable riches which +are so easy to amass each day, and of the folly of trampling them +under foot when one has but to stoop and gather them. When she +talked so eloquently, I was sorry that I was the only one to +listen to her teaching, for, in my simplicity, it seemed to me +that the greatest sinners would be converted if they but heard +her, and that, forsaking the perishable riches of this world, they +would seek none but the riches of Heaven. + +I should have liked at this time to practise mental prayer, but +Marie, finding me sufficiently devout, only let me say my vocal +prayers. A mistress at the Abbey asked me once what I did on +holidays, when I stayed at home. I answered timidly: "I often hide +myself in a corner of my room where I can shut myself in with the +bed curtains, and then I think." "But what do you think about?" +said the good nun, laughing. "I think about the Good God, about +the shortness of life, and about eternity: in a word, I _think."_ +My mistress did not forget this, and later on she used to remind +me of the time when I thought, asking me if I still _thought._ +. . . Now, I know that I was really praying, while my Divine +Master +gently instructed me. + +The three months' preparation for First Communion passed quickly +by; it was soon time for me to begin my retreat, and, during it, I +stayed at the Abbey. Oh, what a blessed retreat it was! I do not +think that one can experience such joy except in a religious +house; there, with only a few children, it is easy for each one to +receive special attention. I write this in a spirit of filial +gratitude; our mistresses at the Abbey showed us a true motherly +affection. I do not know why, but I saw plainly that they watched +over me more carefully than they did over the others. + +Every night the first mistress, carrying her little lamp, opened +my bed curtains softly, and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. +She showed me such affection that, touched by her kindness, I said +one night: "Mother, I love you so much that I am going to tell you +a great secret." Then I took from under my pillow the precious +little book you had given me, and showed it to her, my eyes +sparkling with pleasure. She opened it with care, and, looking +through it attentively, told me how privileged I was. In fact, +several times during the retreat, the truth came home to me that +very few motherless children of my age are as lovingly cared for +as I was then. + +I listened most attentively to the instructions given us by Father +Domin, and wrote careful notes on them, but I did not put down any +of my own thoughts, as I knew I should remember them quite well. +And so it proved. + +How happy I was to attend Divine Office as the nuns did! I was +easily distinguished from my companions by a large crucifix, which +Léonie had given me, and which, like the missionaries, I carried +in my belt. They thought I was trying to imitate my Carmelite +sister, and indeed my thoughts did often turn lovingly to her. I +knew she was in retreat too, not that Jesus might give Himself to +her, but that she might give herself entirely to Jesus, and this +on the same day as I made my First Communion. The time of quiet +waiting was therefore doubly dear to me. + +At last there dawned the most beautiful day of all the days of my +life. How perfectly I remember even the smallest details of those +sacred hours! the joyful awakening, the reverent and tender +embraces of my mistresses and older companions, the room filled +with snow-white frocks, where each child was dressed in turn, and, +above all, our entrance into the chapel and the melody of the +morning hymn: "O Altar of God, where the Angels are hovering." + +But I would not and I could not tell you all. Some things lose +their fragrance when exposed to the air, and so, too, one's inmost +thoughts cannot be translated into earthly words without instantly +losing their deep and heavenly meaning. How sweet was the first +embrace of Jesus! It was indeed an embrace of love. I felt that I +was loved, and I said: "I love Thee, and I give myself to Thee for +ever." Jesus asked nothing of me, and claimed no sacrifice; for a +long time He and little Thérèse had known and understood one +another. That day our meeting was more than simple recognition, it +was perfect union. We were no longer two. Thérèse had disappeared +like a drop of water lost in the immensity of the ocean; Jesus +alone remained--He was the Master, the King! Had not Thérèse asked +Him to take away her liberty which frightened her? She felt +herself so weak and frail, that she wished to be for ever united +to the Divine Strength. + +And then my joy became so intense, so deep, that it could not be +restrained; tears of happiness welled up and overflowed. My +companions were astonished, and asked each other afterwards: "Why +did she cry? Had she anything on her conscience? No, it is because +neither her Mother nor her dearly loved Carmelite sister is here." +And no one understood that all the joy of Heaven had come down +into one heart, and that this heart, exiled, weak, and mortal as +it was, could not contain it without tears. + +How could my Mother's absence grieve me on my First Communion Day? +As Heaven itself dwelt in my soul, in receiving a visit from Our +Divine Lord I received one from my dear Mother too. Nor was I +crying on account of Pauline's absence, for we were even more +closely united than before. No, I repeat it--joy alone, a joy too +deep for words, overflowed within me. + +During the afternoon I read the act of consecration to Our Lady, +for myself and my companions. I was chosen probably because I had +been deprived of my earthly Mother while still so young. With all +my heart I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary, and +asked her to watch over me. She seemed to look lovingly on her +Little Flower and to smile at her again, and I thought of the +visible smile which had once cured me, and of all I owed her. Had +she not herself, on the morning of that 8th of May, placed in the +garden of my soul her Son Jesus--"the Flower of the field and the +Lily of the valleys"?[4] + +On the evening of this happy day Papa and I went to the Carmel, +and I saw Pauline, now become the Spouse of Christ. She wore a +white veil like mine and a crown of roses. My joy was unclouded, +for I hoped soon to join her, and at her side to wait for Heaven. + +I was pleased with the feast prepared for me at home, and was +delighted with the beautiful watch given to me by Papa. My +happiness was perfect, and nothing troubled the inward peace of my +soul. Night came, and so ended that beautiful day. Even the +brightest days are followed by darkness; one alone will know no +setting, the day of the First and Eternal Communion in our true +Home. Somehow the next day seemed sorrowful. The pretty clothes +and the presents I had received could not satisfy me. Henceforth +Our Lord alone could fill my heart, and all I longed for was the +blissful moment when I should receive Him again. + +I made my second Communion on Ascension Day, and had the happiness +of kneeling at the rails between Papa and Marie. My tears flowed +with inexpressible sweetness; I kept repeating those words of St. +Paul: "I live now, not I; but Christ liveth in me."[5] After this +second visit of Our Lord I longed for nothing else but to receive +Him. Alas! the feasts seemed so far apart. . . . + +On the eve of these happy days Marie helped me to prepare, as she +had done for my First Communion. I remember once she spoke of +suffering, and said that in all probability, instead of making me +walk by this road, God, in His goodness, would carry me always +like a little child. Her words came into my mind next day after my +Communion; my heart became inflamed with an ardent desire for +suffering, and I felt convinced that many crosses were in store +for me. Then my soul was flooded with such consolation as I have +never since experienced. Suffering became attractive, and I found +in it charms which held me spellbound, though as yet I did not +appreciate them to the full. + +I had one other great wish; it was to love God only, and to find +my joy in Him alone. During my thanksgiving after Holy Communion I +often repeated this passage from the _Imitation of Christ:_ "O my +God, who art unspeakable sweetness, turn for me into bitterness +all the consolations of earth."[6] These words rose to my lips +quite naturally; I said them like a child, who, without well +understanding, repeats what a friend may suggest. Later on I will +tell you, dear Mother, how Our Lord has been pleased to fulfill my +desire, how He, and He alone, has always been my joy; but if I +were to speak of it now I should have to pass on to my girlhood, +and there is still much to tell you of my early days. + +Soon after my First Communion I went into retreat again, before +being confirmed. I prepared myself with the greatest care for the +coming of the Holy Ghost; I could not understand anyone not doing +so before receiving this Sacrament of Love. As the ceremony could +not take place on the day fixed, I had the consolation of +remaining somewhat longer in retreat. How happy I felt! Like the +Apostles, I looked with joy for the promised Comforter, gladdened +by the thought that I should soon be a perfect Christan, and have +the holy Cross, the symbol of this wondrous Sacrament, traced upon +my forehead for eternity. I did not feel the mighty wind of the +first Pentecost, but rather the gentle breeze which the prophet +Elias heard on Mount Horeb. On that day I received the gift of +fortitude in suffering--a gift I needed sorely, for the martyrdom +of my soul was soon to begin. + +When these delightful feasts, which can never be forgotten, were +over, I had to resume my life as a day scholar, at the Abbey. I +made good progress with my lessons, and remembered easily the +sense of what I read, but I had the greatest difficulty in +learning by heart; only at catechism were my efforts crowned with +success. The Chaplain called me his little "Doctor of +Theology,"[7] no doubt because of my name, Thérèse. + +During recreation I often gave myself up to serious thoughts, +while from a distance I watched my companions at play. This was my +favourite occupation, but I had another which gave me real +pleasure. I would search carefully for any poor little birds that +had fallen dead under the big trees, and I then buried them with +great ceremony, all in the same cemetery, in a special grass plot. +Sometimes I told stories to my companions, and often even the big +girls came to listen; but soon our mistress, very rightly, brought +my career as an orator to an end, saying she wanted us to exercise +our bodies and not our brains. At this time I chose as friends two +little girls of my own age; but how shallow are the hearts of +creatures! One of them had to stay at home for some months; while +she was away I thought about her very often, and on her return I +showed how pleased I was. However, all I got was a glance of +indifference--my friendship was not appreciated. I felt this very +keenly, and I no longer sought an affection which had proved so +inconstant. Nevertheless I still love my little school friend, and +continue to pray for her, for God has given me a faithful heart, +and when once I love, I love for ever. + +Observing that some of the girls were very devoted to one or other +of the mistresses, I tried to imitate them, but I never succeeded +in winning special favour. O happy failure, from how many evils +have you saved me! I am most thankful to Our Lord that He let me +find only bitterness in earthly friendships. With a heart like +mine, I should have been taken captive and had my wings clipped, +and how then should I have been able to "fly away and be at +rest"?[8] + +How can a heart given up to human affections be closely united to +God? It seems to me that it is impossible. I have seen so many +souls, allured by this false light, fly right into it like poor +moths, and burn their wings, and then return, wounded, to Our +Lord, the Divine fire which burns and does not consume. I know +well Our Lord saw that I was too weak to be exposed to temptation, +for, without doubt, had the deceitful light of created love +dazzled my eyes, I should have been entirely consumed. Where +strong souls find joy and practise detachment faithfully, I only +found bitterness. No merit, then, is due to me for not having +given up to these frail ties, since I was only preserved from them +by the Mercy of God. I fully realised that without Him I should +have fallen as low as St. Mary Magdalen, and the Divine Master's +words re-echoed sweetly in my soul. Yes, I know that "To whom less +is forgiven he loveth less,"[9] but I know too that Our Lord has +forgiven me more than St. Mary Magdalen. Here is an example which +will, at any rate, show you some of my thoughts. + +Let us suppose that the son of a very clever doctor, stumbling +over a stone on the road, falls and breaks his leg. His father +hastens to him, lifts him lovingly, and binds up the fractured +limb, putting forth all his skill. The son, when cured, displays +the utmost gratitude, and he has excellent reason for doing so. +But let us take another supposition. + +The father, aware that a dangerous stone lies in his son's path, +is beforehand with the danger and removes it, unseen by anyone. +The son, thus tenderly cared for, not knowing of the mishap from +which his father's hand has saved him, naturally will not show him +any gratitude, and will love him less than if he had cured him of +a grievous wound. But suppose he heard the whole truth, would he +not in that case love him still more? Well now, I am this child, +the object of the foreseeing love of a Father "Who did not send +His son to call the just, but sinners."[10] He wishes me to love +Him, because He has forgiven me, not much, but everything. Without +waiting for me to love Him much, as St. Mary Magdalen did, He has +made me understand how He has loved me with an ineffable love and +forethought, so that now my love may know no bounds. + +I had often heard it said, both in retreats and elsewhere, that He +is more deeply loved by repentant souls than by those who have not +lost their baptismal innocence. Ah! If I could but give the lie to +those words. . . . + +But I have wandered so far from my subject that I hardly know +where to begin again. It was during the retreat before my second +Communion that I was attacked by the terrible disease of scruples. +One must have passed through this martyrdom to understand it. It +would be quite impossible for me to tell you what I suffered for +nearly two years. All my thoughts and actions, even the simplest, +were a source of trouble and anguish to me; I had no peace till I +had told Marie everything, and this was most painful, since I +imagined I was obliged to tell absolutely all my thoughts, even +the most extravagant. As soon as I had unburdened myself I felt a +momentary peace, but it passed like a flash, and my martyrdom +began again. Many an occasion for patience did I provide for my +dear sister. + +That year we spent a fortnight of our holidays at the sea-side. My +aunt, who always showed us such motherly care, treated us to all +possible pleasures--donkey rides, shrimping, and the rest. She +even spoiled us in the matter of clothes. I remember one day she +gave me some pale blue ribbon; although I was twelve and a half, I +was still such a child that I quite enjoyed tying it in my hair. +But this childish pleasure seemed sinful to me, and I had so many +scruples that I had to go to Confession, even at Trouville. + +While I was there I had an experience which did me good. My cousin +Marie often suffered from sick headaches. On these occasions my +aunt used to fondle her and coax her with the most endearing +names, but the only response was continual tears and the unceasing +cry: "My head aches!" I had a headache nearly every day, though I +did not say so; but one evening I thought I would imitate Marie. +So I sat down in an armchair in a corner of the room, and set to +work to cry. My aunt, as well as my cousin Jeanne, to whom I was +very devoted, hastened to me to know what was the matter. I +answered like Marie: "My head aches." It would seem that +complaining was not in my line; no one would believe that a +headache was the reason of my tears. Instead of petting me as +usual, my aunt spoke to me seriously. Even Jeanne reproached me, +very kindly it is true, and was grieved at my want of simplicity +and trust in my aunt. She thought I had a big scruple, and was not +giving the real reason of my tears. At last, getting nothing for +my pains, I made up my mind not to imitate other people any more. +I thought of the fable of the ass and the little dog; I was the +ass, who, seeing that the little dog got all the petting, put his +clumsy hoof on the table to try and secure his share. If I did not +have a beating like the poor beast, at any rate I got what I +deserved--a severe lesson, which cured me once for all of the +desire to attract attention. + +I must go back now to the subject of my scruples. They made me so +ill that I was obliged to leave school when I was thirteen. In +order to continue my education, Papa took me several times a week +to a lady who was an excellent teacher. Her lessons served the +double purpose of instructing me and making me associate with +other people. + +Visitors were often shown into the old-fashioned room where I sat +with my books and exercises. As far as possible my teacher's +mother carried on the conversation, but still I did not learn much +while it lasted. Seemingly absorbed in my book, I could hear many +things it would have been better for me not to hear. One lady said +I had beautiful hair; another asked, as she left, who was that +pretty little girl. Such remarks, the more flattering because I +was not meant to hear them, gave me a feeling of pleasure which +showed plainly that I was full of self-love. + +I am very sorry for souls who lose themselves in this way. It is +so easy to go astray in the seductive paths of the world. Without +doubt, for a soul somewhat advanced in virtue, the sweetness +offered by the world is mingled with bitterness, and the immense +void of its desires cannot be filled by the flattery of a moment; +but I repeat, if my heart had not been lifted up towards God from +the first moment of consciousness, if the world had smiled on me +from the beginning of my life, what should I have become? Dearest +Mother, with what a grateful heart do I sing "the Mercies of the +Lord!" Has He not, according to the words of Holy Wisdom, "taken +me away from the world lest wickedness should alter my +understanding, or deceit beguile my soul?"[11] + +Meanwhile I resolved to consecrate myself in a special way to Our +Blessed Lady, and I begged to be enrolled among the Children of +Mary.[12] To gain this favour I had to go twice a week to the +Convent, and I must confess this cost me something, I was so shy. +There was no question of the affection I felt towards my +mistresses, but, as I said before, I had no special friend among +them, with whom I could have spent many hours like other old +pupils. So I worked in silence till the end of the lesson, and +then, as no one took any notice of me, I went to the tribune in +the Chapel till Papa came to fetch me home. Here, during this +silent visit, I found my one consolation--for was not Jesus my +only Friend? To Him alone could I open my heart; all conversation +with creatures, even on holy subjects, wearied me. It is true that +in these periods of loneliness I sometimes felt sad, and I used +often to console myself by repeating this line of a beautiful poem +Papa had taught me: "Time is thy barque, and not thy +dwelling-place." + +Young as I was, these words restored my courage, and even now, in +spite of having outgrown many pious impressions of childhood, the +symbol of a ship always delights me and helps me to bear the exile +of this life. Does not the Wise Man tell us--"Life is like a ship +that passeth through the waves: when it is gone by, the trace +thereof cannot be found"?[13] + +When my thoughts run on in this way, my soul loses itself as it +were in the infinite; I seem already to touch the Heavenly Shore +and to receive Our Lord's embrace. I fancy I can see Our Blessed +Lady coming to meet me, with my Father and Mother, my little +brothers and sisters; and I picture myself enjoying true family +joys for all eternity. + +But before reaching Our Father's Home in Heaven, I had to go +through many partings on this earth. The year in which I was made +a Child of Mary, Our Lady took from me my sister Marie, the only +support of my soul,[14] my oracle and inseparable companion since +the departure of Pauline. As soon as I knew of her decision, I +made up my mind to take no further pleasure in anything here +below. I could not tell you how many tears I shed. But at this +time I was much given to crying, not only over big things, but +over trifling ones too. For instance: I was very anxious to +advance in virtue, but I went about it in a strange way. I was not +accustomed to wait on myself; Céline always arranged our room, and +I never did any household work. Sometimes, in order to please Our +Lord, I used to make my bed, or, if she were out in the evening, +to bring in her plants and seedlings. As I said before, it was +simply to please Our Lord that I did these things, and so I ought +not to have expected any thanks from creatures. But, alas! I did +expect them, and, if unfortunately Céline did not seem surprised +and grateful for my little services, I was not pleased, and tears +rose to my eyes. + +Again, if by accident I offended anyone, instead of taking it in +the right way, I fretted till I made myself ill, thus making my +fault worse, instead of mending it; and when I began to realise my +foolishness, I would cry for having cried. + +In fact, I made troubles out of everything. Now, things are quite +different. God in His goodness has given me grace not to be cast +down by any passing difficulty. When I think of what I used to be, +my heart overflows with gratitude. The graces I have received have +changed me so completely, that I am scarcely the same person. + +After Marie entered the Carmel, and I no longer had her to listen +to my scruples, I turned towards Heaven and confided them to the +four little angels who had already gone before me, for I thought +that these innocent souls, who had never known sorrow or fear, +ought to have pity on their poor little suffering sister. I talked +to them with childish simplicity, telling them that, as I was the +youngest of the family, I had always been the most petted and +loved by my parents and sisters; that if they had remained on +earth they would no doubt have given me the same proofs of their +affection. The fact that they had gone to Heaven seemed no reason +why they should forget me--on the contrary, as they were able to +draw form the treasury of Heaven, they ought to obtain for me the +grace of peace, and prove that they still knew how to love me. + +The answer was not long in coming; soon my soul was flooded with +the sweetest peace. I knew that I was loved, not only on earth but +also in Heaven. From that time my devotion for these little +brothers and sisters increased; I loved to talk to them and tell +them of all the sorrows of this exile, and of my wish to join them +soon in our Eternal Home. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Matt. 6:3. + +[2] Wisdom 4:12. + +[3] _Imit.,_ I, ch. i. 3. + +[4] Cant. 2:1. + +[5] Gal. 2:20. + +[6] _Imit.,_ III, ch. xxvi. 3. + +[7] St. Teresa, who reformed the Carmelite Order, and died in +1582, is sometimes called the Doctor of Mystical Theology, because +of her luminous writings on the relations of the soul with God in +prayer. [Ed.] + +[8] Ps. 54[55]:7. + +[9] Luke 7:47. + +[10] Luke 5:32. + +[11] Cf. Wisdom 4:11. + +[12] It was on May 31, 1886, that she became a Sodalist of Our +Lady. [Ed.] + +[13] Wisdom 5:10. + +[14] Marie entered the Carmel of Lisieux on October 15, 1886, +taking the name of Sister Mary of the Sacred Heart. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER V VOCATION OF THÉRÈSE + +I was far from meriting all the graces which Our Lord showered on +me. I had a constant and ardent desire to advance in virtue, but +often my actions were spoilt by imperfections. My extreme +sensitiveness made me almost unbearable. All arguments were +useless. I simply could not correct myself of this miserable +fault. How, then, could I hope soon to be admitted to the Carmel? +A miracle on a small scale was needed to give me strength of +character all at once, and God worked this long-desired miracle on +Christmas Day, 1886. + +On that blessed night the sweet Infant Jesus, scarce an hour old, +filled the darkness of my soul with floods of light. By becoming +weak and little, for love of me, He made me strong and brave; He +put His own weapons into my hands, so that I went from victory to +victory, beginning, if I may say so, "to run as a giant."[1] The +fountain of my tears was dried up, and from that time they flowed +neither easily nor often. + +Now I will tell you, dear Mother, how I received this inestimable +grace of complete conversion. I knew that when we reached home +after Midnight Mass I should find my shoes in the chimney-corner, +filled with presents, just as when I was a little child, which +proves that my sisters still treated me as a baby. Papa, too, +liked to watch my enjoyment and hear my cries of delight at each +fresh surprise that came from the magic shoes, and his pleasure +added to mine. But the time had come when Our Lord wished to free +me from childhood's failings, and even withdraw me from its +innocent pleasures. On this occasion, instead of indulging me as +he generally did, Papa seemed vexed, and on my way upstairs I +heard him say: "Really all this is too babyish for a big girl like +Thérèse, and I hope it is the last year it will happen." His words +cut me to the quick. Céline, knowing how sensitive I was, +whispered: "Don't go downstairs just yet--wait a little, you would +cry too much if you looked at your presents before Papa." But +Thérèse was no longer the same--Jesus had changed her heart. + +Choking back my tears, I ran down to the dining-room, and, though +my heart beat fast, I picked up my shoes, and gaily pulled out all +the things, looking as happy as a queen. Papa laughed, and did not +show any trace of displeasure, and Céline thought she must be +dreaming. But happily it was a reality; little Thérèse had +regained, once for all, the strength of mind which she had lost at +the age of four and a half. + +On this night of grace, the third period of my life began--the +most beautiful of all, the one most filled with heavenly favours. +In an instant Our Lord, satisfied with my good will, accomplished +the work I had not been able to do during all these years. Like +the Apostle I could say: "Master, we have laboured all night, and +have taken nothing."[2] + +More merciful to me even than to His beloved disciples, Our Lord +Himself took the net, cast it, and drew it out full of fishes. He +made me a fisher of men. Love and a spirit of self-forgetfulness +took possession of me, and from that time I was perfectly happy. + +One Sunday, closing my book at the end of Mass, a picture of Our +Lord on the Cross half slipped out, showing only one of His Divine +Hands, pierced and bleeding. I felt an indescribable thrill such +as I had never felt before. My heart was torn with grief to see +that Precious Blood falling to the ground, and no one caring to +treasure It as It fell, and I resolved to remain continually in +spirit at the foot of the Cross, that I might receive the Divine +Dew of Salvation and pour it forth upon souls. From that day the +cry of my dying Saviour--"I thirst!"--sounded incessantly in my +heart, and kindled therein a burning zeal hitherto unknown to me. +My one desire was to give my Beloved to drink; I felt myself +consumed with thirst for souls, and I longed at any cost to snatch +sinners from the everlasting flames of hell. + +In order still further to enkindle my ardour, Our Divine Master +soon proved to me how pleasing to him was my desire. Just then I +heard much talk of a notorious criminal, Pranzini, who was +sentenced to death for several shocking murders, and, as he was +quite impenitent, everyone feared he would be eternally lost. How +I longed to avert this irreparable calamity! In order to do so I +employed all the spiritual means I could think of, and, knowing +that my own efforts were unavailing, I offered for his pardon the +infinite merits of Our Saviour and the treasures of Holy Church. + +Need I say that in the depths of my heart I felt certain my +request would be granted? But, that I might gain courage to +persevere in the quest for souls, I said in all simplicity: "My +God, I am quite sure that Thou wilt pardon this unhappy Pranzini. +I should still think so if he did not confess his sins or give any +sign of sorrow, because I have such confidence in Thy unbounded +Mercy; but this is my first sinner, and therefore I beg for just +one sign of repentance to reassure me." My prayer was granted to +the letter. My Father never allowed us to read the papers, but I +did not think there was any disobedience in looking at the part +about Pranzini. The day after his execution I hastily opened the +paper, _La Croix,_ and what did I see? Tears betrayed my emotion; +I was obliged to run out of the room. Pranzini had mounted the +scaffold without confessing or receiving absolution, and the +executioners were already dragging him towards the fatal block, +when all at once, apparently in answer to a sudden inspiration, he +turned round, seized the crucifix which the Priest was offering to +him, and kissed Our Lord's Sacred Wounds three times. . . . I had +obtained the sign I asked for, and to me it was especially sweet. +Was it not when I saw the Precious Blood flowing from the Wounds +of Jesus that the thirst for souls first took possession of me? I +wished to give them to drink of the Blood of the Immaculate Lamb +that It might wash away their stains, and the lips of "my first +born" had been pressed to these Divine Wounds. What a wonderful +answer! + +After receiving this grace my desire for the salvation of souls +increased day by day. I seemed to hear Our Lord whispering to me, +as He did to the Samaritan woman: "Give me to drink!"[3] It was +indeed an exchange of love: upon souls I poured forth the Precious +Blood of Jesus, and to Jesus I offered these souls refreshed with +the Dew of Calvary. In this way I thought to quench His Thirst; +but the more I gave Him to drink, so much the more did the thirst +of my own poor soul increase, and I accepted it as the most +delightful recompense. + +In a short time God, in His goodness, had lifted me out of the +narrow sphere in which I lived. The great step was taken; but, +alas! I had still a long road to travel. Now that I was free from +scruples and morbid sensitiveness, my mind developed. I had always +loved what was noble and beautiful, and about this time I was +seized with a passionate desire for learning. Not content with +lessons from my teachers, I took up certain subjects by myself, +and learnt more in a few months than I had in my whole school +life. Was not this ardour--"vanity and vexation of spirit"?[4] For +me, with my impetuous nature, this was one of the most dangerous +times of my life, but Our Lord fulfilled in me those words of +Ezechiel's prophecy: "Behold thy time was the time of lovers: and +I spread my garment over thee. And I swore to thee, and I entered +into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord God, and thou becamest +Mine. And I washed thee with water, and I anointed thee with oil. +I clothed thee with fine garments, and put a chain about thy neck. +Thou didst eat fine flour and honey and oil, and wast made +exceedingly beautiful, and wast advanced to be a queen."[5] + +Yes, Our Lord has done all this for me. I might take each word of +that striking passage and show how it has been completely realised +in me, but the graces of which I have already told you are +sufficient proof. So I will only speak now of the food with which +my Divine Master abundantly provided me. For a long time I had +nourished my spiritual life with the "fine flour" contained in the +_Imitation of Christ._ It was the only book which did me good, for +I had not yet found the treasures hidden in the Holy Gospels. I +always had it with me, to the amusement of my people at home. My +aunt used often to open it, and make me repeat by heart the first +chapter she chanced to light upon. + +Seeing my great thirst for knowledge, God was pleased, when I was +fourteen, to add to the "fine flour," "honey" and "oil" in +abundance. + +This "honey" and "oil" I found in the conferences of Father +Arminjon on _The End of this World and the Mysteries of the World +to Come._ While reading this book my soul was flooded with a +happiness quite supernatural. I experienced a foretaste of what +God has prepared for those who love Him; and, seeing that eternal +rewards are so much in excess of the petty sacrifices of this +life, I yearned to love Our Lord, to love Him passionately, and to +give Him countless proofs of affection while this was still in my +power. + +Céline had become the most intimate sharer of my thoughts, +especially since Christmas. Our Lord, Who wished to make us +advance in virtue together, drew us to one another by ties +stronger than blood. He made us sisters in spirit as well as in +the flesh. The words of our Holy Father, St. John of the Cross, +were realised in us: + + Treading within Thy Footsteps + Young maidens lightly run upon the way. + From the spark's contact, + And the spicèd wine, + They give forth aspirations of a balm divine. + +It was lightly indeed that we followed in the footsteps of Our +Saviour. The burning sparks which He cast into our souls, the +strong wine which He gave us to drink, made us lose sight of all +earthly things, and we breathed forth sighs of love. + +Very sweet is the memory of our intercourse. Every evening we went +up to our attic window together and gazed at the starry depths of +the sky, and I think very precious graces were bestowed on us +then. As the _Imitation_ says: "God communicates Himself sometimes +amid great light, at other times sweetly in signs and figures."[6] + +In this way He deigned to manifest Himself to our hearts; but how +slight and transparent was the veil! Doubt was no longer possible; +already Faith and Hope had given place to Love, which made us find +Him whom we sought, even on this earth. When He found us +alone--"He gave us His kiss, and now no one may despise us."[7] + +These divine impressions could not but bear fruit. The practice of +virtue gradually became sweet and natural to me. At first my looks +betrayed the effort, but, little by little, self-sacrifice seemed +to come more easily and without hesitation. Our Lord has said: "To +everyone that hath shall be given, and he shall abound."[8] + +Each grace faithfully received brought many others. He gave +Himself to me in Holy Communion oftener than I should have dared +to hope. I had made it my practice to go to Communion as often as +my confessor allowed me, but never to ask for leave to go more +frequently. Now, however, I should act differently, for I am +convinced that a soul ought to disclose to her director the +longing she has to receive her God. He does not come down from +Heaven each day in order to remain in a golden ciborium, but to +find another Heaven--the Heaven of our souls in which He takes +such delight. + +Our Lord, Who knew my desire, inspired my confessor to allow me to +go to Communion several times a week, and this permission, coming +as it did straight from Him, filled me with joy. + +In those days I did not dare to speak of my inner feelings; the +road which I trod was so direct, so clear, that I did not feel the +need of any guide but Jesus. I compared directors to mirrors who +faithfully reflect Our Saviour to the souls under their care, and +I thought that in my case He did not use an intermediary but acted +directly. + +When a gardener gives special attention to a fruit which he wishes +to ripen early, he does so, not with a view to leaving it on the +tree, but in order to place it on a well-spread table. Our Lord +lavished His favours on His Little Flower in the same way. He +wishes His Mercies to shine forth in me--He Who, while on earth, +cried out in a transport of joy: "I bless Thee, O Father, because +Thou hast hidden these things from the wise and prudent and hast +revealed them to little ones."[9] + +And because I was small and frail, He bent down to me and +instructed me sweetly in the secrets of His love. As St. John of +the Cross says in his "Canticle of the Soul": + + On that happy night + In secret I went forth, beheld by none, + And seeing naught; + Having no light nor guide + Excepting that which burned within my heart, + + Which lit my way + More safely than the glare of noon-day sun + To where, expectant, + He waited for me Who doth know me well, + Where none appeared but He. + +This place was Carmel, but before I could "sit down under His +Shadow Whom I desired,"[10] I had to pass through many trials. And +yet the Divine Call was becoming so insistent that, had it been +necessary for me to go through fire, I would have thrown myself +into it to follow my Divine Master. + +Pauline[11] was the only one who encouraged me in my vocation; +Marie thought I was too young, and you, dear Mother, no doubt to +prove me, tried to restrain my ardour. From the start I +encountered nothing but difficulties. Then, too, I dared not speak +of it to Céline, and this silence pained me deeply; it was so hard +to have a secret she did not share. + +However, this dear sister soon found out my intention, and, far +from wishing to keep me back, she accepted the sacrifice with +wonderful courage. As she also wished to be a nun, she ought to +have been given the first opportunity; but, imitating the martyrs +of old, who used joyfully to embrace those chosen to go before +them into the arena, she allowed me to leave her, and took my +troubles as much to heart as if it were a question of her own +vocation. From Céline, then, I had nothing to fear, but I did not +know how to set about telling Papa. How could his little Queen +talk of leaving him when he had already parted with his two eldest +daughters? Moreover, this year he had been stricken with a serious +attack of paralysis, and though he recovered quickly we were full +of anxiety for the future. + +What struggles I went through before I could make up my mind to +speak! But I had to act decisively; I was now fourteen and a half, +and in six months' time the blessed feast of Christmas would be +here. I had resolved to enter the Carmel at the same hour at which +a year before I had received the grace of conversion. + +I chose the feast of Pentecost on which to make my great +disclosure. All day I was praying for light from the Holy Ghost, +and begging the Apostles to pray for me, to inspire me with the +words I ought to use. Were they not the very ones to help a timid +child whom God destines to become an apostle of apostles by prayer +and sacrifice? + +In the afternoon, when Vespers were over, I found the opportunity +I wanted. My Father was sitting in the garden, his hands clasped, +admiring the wonders of nature. The rays of the setting sun gilded +the tops of the tall trees, and the birds chanted their evening +prayer. + +His beautiful face wore a heavenly expression--I could feel that +his soul was full of peace. Without a word, I sat down by his +side, my eyes already wet with tears. He looked at me with +indescribable tenderness, and, pressing me to his heart, said: +"What is it, little Queen? Tell me everything." Then, in order to +hide his own emotion, he rose and walked slowly up and down, still +holding me close to him. + +Through my tears I spoke of the Carmel and of my great wish to +enter soon. He, too, wept, but did not say a word to turn me from +my vocation; he only told me that I was very young to make such a +grave decision, and as I insisted, and fully explained my reasons, +my noble and generous Father was soon convinced. We walked about +for a long time; my heart was lightened, and Papa no longer shed +tears. He spoke to me as Saints speak, and showed me some flowers +growing in the low stone wall. Picking one of them, he gave it to +me, and explained the loving care with which God had made it +spring up and grow till now. + +I fancied myself listening to my own story, so close was the +resemblance between the little flower and little Thérèse. I +received this floweret as a relic, and noticed that in gathering +it my Father had pulled it up by the roots without breaking them; +it seemed destined to live on, but in other and more fertile soil. +Papa had just done the same for me. He allowed me to leave the +sweet valley, where I had passed the first years of my life, for +the mountain of Carmel. I fastened my little white flower to a +picture of Our Lady of Victories--the Blessed Virgin smiles on +it, and the Infant Jesus seems to hold it in His Hand. It is there +still, but the stalk is broken close to the root. God doubtless +wishes me to understand that He will soon break all the earthly +ties of His Little Flower and will not leave her to wither on this +earth. + +Having obtained my Father's consent, I thought I could now fly to +the Carmel without hindrance. Far from it! When I told my uncle of +my project, he declared that to enter such a severe Order at the +age of fifteen seemed to him against all common sense, and that it +would be doing a wrong to religion to let a child embrace such a +life. He added that he should oppose it in every way possible, and +that nothing short of a miracle would make him change his mind. + +I could see that all arguments were useless, so I left him, my +heart weighed down by profound sadness. My only consolation was +prayer. I entreated Our Lord to work this miracle for me because +thus only could I respond to His appeal. Some time went by, and my +uncle did not seem even to remember our conversation, though I +learnt later that it had been constantly in his thoughts. + +Before allowing a ray of hope to shine on my soul, Our Lord +deigned to send me another most painful trial which lasted for +three days. Never had I understood so well the bitter grief of Our +Lady and St. Joseph when they were searching the streets of +Jerusalem for the Divine Child. I seemed to be in a frightful +desert, or rather, my soul was like a frail skiff, without a +pilot, at the mercy of the stormy waves. I knew that Jesus was +there asleep in my little boat, but how could I see Him while the +night was so dark? If the storm had really broken, a flash of +lightning would perhaps have pierced the clouds that hung over me: +even though it were but a passing ray, it would have enabled me to +catch a momentary glimpse of the Beloved of my heart--but this was +denied me. Instead, it was night, dark night, utter desolation, +death! Like my Divine Master in the Agony in the Garden, I felt +that I was alone, and found no comfort on earth or in Heaven. + +Nature itself seemed to share my bitter sadness, for during these +three days there was not a ray of sunshine and the rain fell in +torrents. I have noticed again and again that in all the important +events of my life nature has reflected my feelings. When I wept, +the skies wept with me; when I rejoiced, no cloud darkened the +blue of the heavens. On the fourth day, a Saturday, I went to see +my uncle. What was my surprise when I found his attitude towards +me entirely changed! He invited me into his study, a privilege I +had not asked for; then, after gently reproaching me for being a +little constrained with him, he told me that the miracle of which +he had spoken was no longer needed. He had prayed God to guide his +heart aright, and his prayer had been heard. I felt as if I hardly +knew him, he seemed so different. He embraced me with fatherly +affection, saying with much feeling: "Go in peace, my dear child, +you are a privileged little flower which Our Lord wishes to +gather. I will put no obstacle in the way." + +Joyfully I went home. . . . The clouds had quite disappeared from +the sky, and in my soul also dark night was over. Jesus had +awakened to gladden my heart. I no longer heard the roar of the +waves. Instead of the bitter wind of trial, a light breeze swelled +my sail, and I fancied myself safe in port. Alas! more than one +storm was yet to rise, sometimes even making me fear that I should +be driven, without hope of return, from the shore which I longed +to reach. + +I had obtained my uncle's consent, only to be told by you, dear +Mother, that the Superior of the Carmelites would not allow me to +enter till I was twenty-one. No one had dreamt of this serious +opposition, the hardest of all to overcome. And yet, without +losing courage, I went with Papa to lay my request before him. He +received me very coldly, and could not be induced to change his +mind. We left him at last with a very decided "No." "Of course," +he added, "I am only the Bishop's delegate; if he allows you to +enter, I shall have nothing more to say." + +When we came out of the Presbytery again, it was raining in +torrents, and my soul, too, was overcast with heavy clouds. Papa +did not know how to console me, but he promised, if I wished, to +take me to Bayeux to see the Bishop, and to this I eagerly +consented. + +Many things happened, however, before we were able to go. To all +appearances my life seemed to continue as formerly. I went on +studying, and, what is more important, I went on growing in the +love of God. Now and then I experienced what were indeed raptures +of love. + +One evening, not knowing in what words to tell Our Lord how much I +loved him, and how much I wished that He was served and honoured +everywhere, I thought sorrowfully that from the depths of hell +there does not go up to Him one single act of love. Then, from my +inmost heart, I cried out that I would gladly be cast into that +place of torment and blasphemy so that He might be eternally loved +even there. This could not be for His Glory, since He only wishes +our happiness, but love feels the need of saying foolish things. +If I spoke in this way, it was not that I did not long to go to +Heaven, but for me Heaven was nothing else than Love, and in my +ardour I felt that nothing could separate me from the Divine Being +Who held me captive. + +About this time Our Lord gave me the consolation of an intimate +knowledge of the souls of children. I gained it in this way. +During the illness of a poor woman, I interested myself in her two +little girls, the elder of whom was not yet six. It was a real +pleasure to see how simply they believed all that I told them. +Baptism does indeed plant deeply in our souls the theological +virtues, since from early childhood the hope of heavenly reward is +strong enough to make us practise self-denial. When I wanted my +two little girls to be specially kind to one another, instead of +promising them toys and sweets, I talked to them about the eternal +recompense the Holy Child Jesus would give to good children. The +elder one, who was coming to the use of reason, used to look quite +pleased and asked me charming questions about the little Jesus and +His beautiful Heaven. She promised me faithfully always to give in +to her little sister, adding that all through her life she would +never forget what I had taught her. I used to compare these +innocent souls to soft wax, ready to receive any impression--evil, +alas! as well as good, and I understood the words of Our Lord: "It +were better to be thrown into the sea than to scandalise one of +these little ones."[12] + +How many souls might attain to great sanctity if only they were +directed aright from the first! I know God has not need of anyone +to help Him in His work of sanctification, but as He allows a +clever gardener to cultivate rare and delicate plants, giving him +the skill to accomplish it, while reserving to Himself the right +of making them grow, so does He wish to be helped in the +cultivation of souls. What would happen if an ignorant gardener +did not graft his trees in the right way? if he did not understand +the nature of each, and wished, for instance, to make roses grow +on peach trees? + +This reminds me that I used to have among my birds a canary which +sang beautifully, and also a little linnet taken from the nest, of +which I was very fond. This poor little prisoner, deprived of the +teaching it should have received from its parents, and hearing the +joyous trills of the canary from morning to night, tried hard to +imitate them. A difficult task indeed for a linnet! It was +delightful to follow the efforts of the poor little thing; his +sweet voice found great difficulty in accommodating itself to the +vibrant notes of his master, but he succeeded in time, and, to my +great surprise, his song became exactly like the song of the +canary. + +Oh, dear Mother, you know who taught me to sing from the days of +my earliest childhood! You know the voices which drew me on. And +now I trust that one day, in spite of my weakness, I may sing for +ever the Canticle of Love, the harmonious notes of which I have +often heard sweetly sounding here below. + +But where am I? These thoughts have carried me too far, and I must +resume the history of my vocation. + +On October 31, 1887, alone with Papa, I started for Bayeux, my +heart full of hope, but also excited at the idea of presenting +myself at the Bishop's house. For the first time in my life, I was +going to pay a visit without any of my sisters, and this to a +Bishop. I, who had never yet had to speak except to answer +questions addressed to me, would have to explain and enlarge on my +reasons for begging to enter the Carmel, and so give proofs of the +genuineness of my vocation. + +It cost me a great effort to overcome my shyness sufficiently to +do this. But it is true that Love knows no such word as +"impossible," for it deems "all things possible, all things +allowed." Nothing whatsoever but the love of Jesus could have made +me face these difficulties and others which followed, for I had to +purchase my happiness by heavy trials. Now, it is true, I think I +bought it very cheaply, and I would willingly bear a thousand +times more bitter suffering to gain it, if it were not already +mine. + +When we reached the Bishop's house, the floodgates of Heaven +seemed open once more. The Vicar-General, Father Révérony, who had +settled the date of our coming, received us very kindly, though he +looked a little surprised, and seeing tears in my eyes said: +"Those diamonds must not be shown to His Lordship!" We were led +through large reception-rooms which made me feel how small I was, +and I wondered what I should dare say. The Bishop was walking in a +corridor with two Priests. I saw the Vicar-General speak a few +words to him, then they came into the room where we were waiting. +There were three large armchairs in front of the fireplace, where +a bright fire blazed. + +As his Lordship entered, my Father and I knelt for his blessing; +then he made us sit down. Father Révérony offered me the armchair +in the middle. I excused myself politely, but he insisted, telling +me to show if I knew how to obey. I did so without any more +hesitation, and was mortified to see him take an ordinary chair +while I was buried in an enormous seat that would comfortably have +held four children like me--more comfortably in fact, for I was +far from being at ease. I hoped that Papa was going to do all the +talking, but he told me to explain the reason of our visit. I did +so as eloquently as I could, though I knew well that one word from +the Superior would have carried more weight than all my reasons, +while his opposition told strongly against me. The Bishop asked +how long I had wanted to enter the Carmel. "A very long time, my +Lord!" "Come!" said the Vicar-General, laughing, "it cannot be as +long as fifteen years." "That is true," I answered, "but it is not +much less, for I have wished to give myself to God from the time I +was three." The Bishop, no doubt to please Papa, tried to explain +that I ought to remain some time longer with him; but, to his +great surprise and edification, my Father took my part, adding +respectfully that we were going to Rome with the diocesan +pilgrimage, and that I should not hesitate to speak to the Holy +Father if I could not obtain permission before then. However, it +was decided that, previous to giving an answer, an interview with +the Superior was absolutely necessary. This was particularly +unpleasant hearing, for I knew his declared and determined +opposition; and, in spite of the advice not to allow the Bishop to +see any diamonds, I not only showed them but let them fall. He +seemed touched, and caressed me fondly. I was afterwards told he +had never treated any child so kindly. + +"All is not lost, little one," he said, "but I am very glad that +you are going to Rome with your good Father; you will thus +strengthen your vocation. Instead of weeping, you ought to +rejoice. I am going to Lisieux next week, and I will talk to the +Superior about you. You shall certainly have my answer when you +are in Italy." His Lordship then took us to the garden, and was +much interested when Papa told him that, to make myself look +older, I had put up my hair for the first time that very morning. +This was not forgotten, for I know that even now, whenever the +Bishop tells anyone about his "little daughter," he always repeats +the story about her hair. I must say I should prefer my little +secret to have been kept. As he took us to the door, the +Vicar-General remarked that such a thing had never been seen--a +father as anxious to give his child to God as the child was to +offer herself. + +We had to return to Lisieux without a favourable answer. It seemed +to me as though my future were shattered for ever; the nearer I +drew to the goal, the greater my difficulties became. But all the +time I felt deep down in my heart a wondrous peace, because I knew +that I was only seeking the Will of my Lord. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Psalm 18[19]:5. + +[2] Luke 5:5. + +[3] John 4:7. + +[4] Eccl. 1:14. + +[5] Ezechiel 16:8, 9, 13. + +[6] Cf. _Imit.,_ III, ch. xliii. 4. + +[7] Cf. Cant. 8:1. + +[8] Luke 19:26. + +[9] Cf. Luke 10:21. + +[10] Cant. 2:3. + +[11] Sister Agnes of Jesus. + +[12] Cf. Matt. 18:6. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER VI +A PILGRIMAGE TO ROME + +Three days after the journey to Bayeux, I started on a much longer +one--to the Eternal City. This journey taught me the vanity of +all that passes away. Nevertheless I saw splendid monuments; I +studied the countless wonders of art and religion; and better than +all, I trod the very ground the Holy Apostles had trodden--the +ground watered by the blood of martyrs--and my soul grew by +contact with these holy things. + +I was delighted to go to Rome; but I could quite understand people +crediting Papa with the hope that in this way I should be brought +to change my mind about the religious life. It might certainly +have upset a vocation that was not very strong. + +To begin with, Céline and I found ourselves in the company of many +distinguished people. In fact, there were scarcely any others in +the pilgrimage; but, far from being dazzled thereby, titles seemed +to us but a "vapour of smoke,"[1] and I understood the words of +the _Imitation:_ "Be not solicitous for the shadow of a great +name."[2] I understood that true greatness is not found in a name +but in the soul. The Prophet Isaias tells us: "The Lord shall call +His servants by another name,"[3] and we read in St. John: "To him +that overcometh I will give a white counter, and on the counter a +new name written which no man knoweth but he that receiveth +it."[4] In Heaven, therefore, we shall know our titles of +nobility, and "then shall every man have praise from God,"[5] and +he who on earth chose to be poorest and least known for love of +his Saviour, he will be the first, the noblest, and the richest. + +The second thing I learnt had to do with Priests. Up to this time +I had not understood the chief aim of the Carmelite Reform. To +pray for sinners delighted me; to pray for Priests, whose souls +seemed pure as crystal, that indeed astonished me. But in Italy I +realised my vocation, and even so long a journey was a small price +to pay for such valuable knowledge. During that month I met with +many holy Priests, and yet I saw that even though the sublime +dignity of Priesthood raises them higher than the Angels, they are +still but weak and imperfect men. And so if holy Priests, whom Our +Lord in the Gospel calls the salt of the earth, have need of our +prayers, what must we think of the lukewarm? Has not Our Lord +said: "If the salt lose its savour wherewith shall it be +salted?"[6] Oh, dear Mother, how beautiful is our vocation! We +Carmelites are called to preserve "the salt of the earth." We +offer our prayers and sacrifices for the apostles of the Lord; we +ourselves ought to be their apostles, while they, by word and +example, are preaching the Gospel to our brethren. Have we not a +glorious mission to fulfill? But I must say no more, for I feel +that on this subject my pen would run on for ever. + +Now let me describe my journey in some detail. At three o'clock in +the morning of November 4, we passed through the silent streets. +Lisieux still lay shrouded in the darkness of night. I felt that I +was going out into the unknown, and that great things were +awaiting me in Rome. When we reached Paris, Papa took us to see +all the sights. For me there was but one--Our Lady of Victories. I +can never tell you what I felt at her shrine; the graces Our Lady +granted me were like those of my First Communion Day. I was filled +with peace and happiness. In this holy spot the Blessed Virgin, my +Mother, told me plainly that it was really she who had smiled on +me and cured me. With intense fervour I entreated her to keep me +always, and to realise my heart's desire by hiding me under her +spotless mantle, and I also asked her to remove from me every +occasion of sin. + +I was well aware that during this journey I should come across +things that might disturb me; knowing nothing of evil, I feared I +might discover it. As yet I had not experienced that "to the pure +all things are pure,"[7] that a simple and upright soul does not +see evil in anything, because evil only exists in impure hearts +and not in inanimate objects. I prayed specially to St. Joseph to +watch over me; from my childhood, devotion to him has been +interwoven with my love for our Blessed Lady. Every day I said the +prayer beginning: "St. Joseph, Father and Protector of Virgins" +. . . so I felt I was well protected and quite safe from danger. + +We left Paris on November 7, after our solemn Consecration to the +Sacred Heart in the Basilica of Montmartre.[8] Each compartment of +the train was named after a Saint, and the selection was made in +honour of some Priest occupying it--his own patron or that of his +parish being chosen. But in the presence of all the pilgrims our +compartment was named after St. Martin! My Father, deeply touched +by this compliment, went at once to thank Mgr. Legoux, +Vicar-General of Coutances and director of the pilgrimage. From +this onwards he was often called "Monsieur Saint Martin." + +Father Révérony watched my behaviour closely. I could tell that he +was doing so; at table, if I were not opposite to him, he would +lean forward to look at me and listen to what I was saying. I +think he must have been satisfied with his investigations, for, +towards the end of the journey, he seemed more favourably +disposed. I say towards the end, for in Rome he was far from being +my advocate, as I will tell you presently. Still I would not have +it thought he deceived me in any way by falling short of the good +will he had shown at Bayeux. On the contrary, I am sure that he +always felt kindly towards me, and that if he opposed my wishes it +was only to put me to the test. + +On our way into Italy we passed through Switzerland, with its high +mountains, their snowy peaks lost in the clouds, its rushing +torrents, and its deep valleys filled with giant ferns and purple +heather. Great good was wrought in my soul by these beauties of +nature so abundantly scattered abroad. They lifted it to Him Who +had been pleased to lavish such masterpieces upon this transient +earth. + +Sometimes we were high up the mountain side, while at our feet an +unfathomable abyss seemed ready to engulf us. A little later we +were passing through a charming village with its cottages and +graceful belfry, above which light fleecy clouds floated lazily. +Farther on a great lake with its blue waters, so calm and clear, +would blend with the glowing splendour of the setting sun. I +cannot tell you how deeply I was impressed with this scenery so +full of poetry and grandeur. It was a foretaste of the wonders of +Heaven. Then the thought of religious life would come before me, +as it really is, with its constraints and its little daily +sacrifices made in secret. I understood how easily one might +become wrapped in self and forget the sublime end of one's +vocation, and I thought: "Later on, when the time of trial comes, +when I am enclosed in the Carmel and shall only be able to see a +little bit of sky, I will remember this day and it will encourage +me. I will make light of my own small interests by thinking of the +greatness and majesty of God; I will love Him alone, and will not +be so foolish as to attach myself to the fleeting trifles of this +world, now that my heart has had a glimpse of what is reserved for +those who love Him." + +After having contemplated the works of God, I turned next to +admire those of His creatures. Milan was the first Italian town we +visited, and we carefully studied its Cathedral of white marble, +adorned with countless statues. Céline and I left the timid ones, +who hid their faces in fear after climbing to the first stage, +and, following the bolder pilgrims, we reached the top, from +whence we viewed the city below. When we came down we started on +the first of our expeditions; these lasted the whole month of the +pilgrimage, and quite cured me of a desire to be always lazily +riding in a carriage. + +The "Campo Santo"[9] charmed us. The whole vast enclosure is +covered with marble statues, so exquisitely carved as to be +life-like, and placed with an apparent negligence that only +enhances their charm. You feel almost tempted to console the +imaginary personages that surround you, their expression so +exactly portrays a calm and Christian sorrow. And what works of +art! Here is a child putting flowers on its father's grave--one +forgets how solid is marble--the delicate petals appear to slip +through its fingers. Sometimes the light veils of the widows, and +the ribbons of the young girls, seem floating on the breeze. + +We could not find words to express our admiration, but an old +gentleman who followed us everywhere--regretting no doubt his +inability to share our sentiments--said in a tone of ill-temper: +"Oh, what enthusiasts these French people are!" and yet he also +was French. I think the poor man would have done better to stay at +home. Instead of enjoying the journey he was always grumbling: +nothing pleased him, neither cities, hotels, people, nor anything +else. My Father, whose disposition was the exact opposite, was +quite content, no matter what happened, and tried to cheer our +friend, offering him his place in the carriage or elsewhere, and +with his wonted goodness encouraging him to look on the bright +side of things. But nothing could cheer him. How many different +kinds of people we saw and how interesting it is to study the +world when one is just about to leave it! + +In Venice the scene changed completely. Instead of the bustle of a +large city, silence reigned, broken only by the lapping of the +waters and the cries of the gondoliers as they plied their oars; +it is a city full of charm but full of sadness. Even the Palace of +the Doges, splendid though it be, is sad; we walked through halls +whose vaulted roofs have long since ceased to re-echo the voices +of the governors in their sentences of life and death. Its dark +dungeons are no longer a living tomb for unfortunate prisoners to +pine within. + +While visiting these dreadful prisons I fancied myself in the +times of the martyrs, and gladly would I have chosen this sombre +abode for my dwelling if there had been any question of confessing +my faith. Presently the guide's voice roused me from my reverie, +and I crossed the "Bridge of Sighs," so called because of the +sighs uttered by the wretched prisoners as they passed from their +dungeons to sentence and to death. After leaving Venice we visited +Padua and there venerated the relic of St. Anthony's tongue; then +Bologna, where St. Catherine's body rests. Her face still bears +the impress of the kiss bestowed on her by the Infant Jesus. + +I was indeed happy when on the way to Loreto. Our Lady had chosen +an ideal spot in which to place her Holy House. Everything is +poor, simple, and primitive; the women still wear the graceful +dress of the country and have not, as in the large towns, adopted +the modern Paris fashions. I found Loreto enchanting. And what +shall I say of the Holy House? I was overwhelmed with emotion when +I realised that I was under the very roof that had sheltered the +Holy Family. I gazed on the same walls Our Lord had looked on. I +trod the ground once moistened with the sweat of St. Joseph's +toil, and saw the little chamber of the Annunciation, where the +Blessed Virgin Mary held Jesus in her arms after she had borne Him +there in her virginal womb. I even put my Rosary into the little +porringer used by the Divine Child. How sweet those memories! + +But our greatest joy was to receive Jesus in His own House, and +thus become His living temple in the very place which He had +honoured by His Divine Presence. According to Roman custom the +Blessed Sacrament is reserved at one Altar in each Church, and +there only is it given to the faithful. At Loreto this Altar was +in the Basilica--which is built round the Holy House, enclosing it +as a precious stone might be enclosed in a casket of white marble. +The exterior mattered little to us, it was in the _diamond_ itself +that we wished to receive the Bread of Angels. My Father, with his +habitual gentleness, followed the other pilgrims, but his +daughters, less easily satisfied, went towards the Holy House. + +God favoured us, for a Priest was on the point of celebrating +Mass; we told him of our great wish, and he immediately asked for +two hosts, which he placed on the paten. You may picture, dear +Mother, the ecstatic happiness of that Communion; no words can +describe it. What will be our joy when we communicate eternally in +the dwelling of the King of Heaven? It will be undimmed by the +grief of parting, and will know no end. His House will be ours for +all eternity, and there will be no need to covet fragments from +the walls hallowed by the Divine Presence. He will not give us His +earthly Home--He only shows it to us to make us love poverty and +the hidden life. What He has in store for us is the Palace of His +Glory, where we shall no longer see Him veiled under the form of a +child or the appearance of bread, but as He is, in the brightness +of His Infinite Beauty. + +Now I am going to tell you about Rome--Rome, where I thought to +find comfort and where I found the cross. It was night when we +arrived. I was asleep, and was awakened by the porters calling: +"Roma!" The pilgrims caught up the cry and repeated: "Roma, Roma!" +Then I knew that it was not a dream, I was really in Rome! + +Our first day, and perhaps the most enjoyable, was spent outside +the walls. There, everything retains its stamp of antiquity, +whilst in Rome, with its hotels and shops, one might fancy oneself +in Paris. This drive in the Roman Campagna has left a specially +delightful impression on my mind. + +How shall I describe the feelings which thrilled me when I gazed +on the Coliseum? At last I saw the arena where so many Martyrs had +shed their blood for Christ. My first impulse was to kiss the +ground sanctified by their glorious combats. But what a +disappointment! The soil has been raised, and the real arena is +now buried at the depth of about twenty-six feet. + +As the result of excavations the centre is nothing but a mass of +rubbish, and an insurmountable barrier guards the entrance; in any +case no one dare penetrate into the midst of these dangerous +ruins. But was it possible to be in Rome and not go down to the +real Coliseum? No, indeed! And I no longer listened to the guide's +explanations: one thought only filled my mind--I must reach the +arena. + +We are told in the Gospel that St. Mary Magdalen remained close to +the Sepulchre and stooped down constantly to look in; she was +rewarded by seeing two Angels. So, like her, I kept stooping down +and I saw, not two Angels, but what I was in search of. I uttered +a cry of joy and called out to my sister: "Come, follow me, we +shall be able to get through." We hurried on at once, scrambling +over the ruins which crumbled under our feet. Papa, aghast at our +boldness, called out to us, but we did not hear. + +As the warriors of old felt their courage grow in face of peril, +so our joy increased in proportion to the fatigue and danger we +had to face to attain the object of our desires. Céline, more +foreseeing than I, had listened to the guide. She remembered that +he had pointed out a particular stone marked with a cross, and had +told us it was the place where the Martyrs had fought the good +fight. She set to work to find it, and having done so we threw +ourselves on our knees on this sacred ground. Our souls united in +one and the same prayer. My heart beat violently when I pressed my +lips to the dust reddened with the blood of the early Christians. +I begged for the grace to be a martyr for Jesus, and I felt in the +depths of my heart that my prayer was heard. All this took but a +short time. After collecting some stones we approached the walls +once more to face the danger. We were so happy that Papa had not +the heart to scold us, and I could see that he was proud of our +courage. + +From the Coliseum we went to the Catacombs, and there Céline and I +laid ourselves down in what had once been the tomb of St. Cecilia, +and took some of the earth sanctified by her holy remains. Before +our journey to Rome I had not felt any special devotion to St. +Cecilia, but on visiting the house where she was martyred, and +hearing her proclaimed "Queen of harmony"--because of the sweet +song she sang in her heart to her Divine Spouse--I felt more than +devotion towards her, it was real love as for a friend. She became +my chosen patroness, and the keeper of all my secrets; her +abandonment to God and her boundless confidence delighted me +beyond measure. They were so great that they enabled her to make +souls pure which had never till then desired aught but earthly +pleasures. + +St. Cecilia is like the Spouse in the Canticles. I find in her the +Scriptural "choir in an armed camp."[10] Her life was one +melodious song in the midst of the greatest trials; and this is +not strange, because we read that "the Book of the Holy Gospels +lay ever on her heart,"[11] while in her heart reposed the Spouse +of Virgins. + +Our visit to the Church of St. Agnes was also very delightful. I +tried, but without success, to obtain a relic to take back to my +little Mother, Sister Agnes of Jesus. Men refused me, but God +Himself came to my aid: a little bit of red marble, from an +ancient mosaic dating back to the time of the sweet martyr, fell +as my feet. Was this not touching? St. Agnes herself gave me a +keepsake from her house. + +We spent six days in visiting the great wonders in Rome, and on +the seventh saw the greatest of all--Leo XIII. I longed for, yet +dreaded, that day, for on it depended my vocation. I had received +no answer from the Bishop of Bayeux, and so the Holy Father's +permission was my one and only hope. But in order to obtain this +permission I had first to ask it. The mere thought made me +tremble, for I must dare speak to the Pope, and that, in presence +of many Cardinals, Archbishops, and Bishops! + +On Sunday morning, November 20, we went to the Vatican, and were +taken to the Pope's private chapel. At eight o'clock we assisted +at his Mass, during which his fervent piety, worthy of the Vicar +of Christ, gave evidence that he was in truth the "Holy Father." + +The Gospel for that day contained these touching words: "Fear not, +little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a +Kingdom."[12] My heart was filled with perfect confidence. No, I +would not fear, I would trust that the Kingdom of the Carmel would +soon be mine. I did not think of those other words of Our Lord: "I +dispose to you, as my Father hath disposed to Me, a Kingdom."[13] +That is to say, I will give you crosses and trials, and thus will +you become worthy to possess My Kingdom. _If you desire to sit on +His right hand you must drink the chalice which He has drunk +Himself._[14] "Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and +so to enter into His glory?"[15] + +A Mass of thanksgiving followed, and then the audience began. Leo +XIII, whose cassock and cape were of white, was seated on a raised +chair, and round him were grouped various dignitaries of the +church. According to custom each visitor knelt in turn and kissed, +first the foot and next the hand of the venerable Pontiff, and +finally received his blessing; then two of the Noble Guard signed +to the pilgrim that he must rise and pass on to the adjoining room +to make way for those who followed. + +No one uttered a word, but I was firmly determined to speak, when +suddenly the Vicar-General of Bayeux, Father Révérony, who was +standing at the Pope's right hand, told us in a loud voice that he +absolutely forbade anyone to address the Holy Father. My heart +beat fast. I turned to Céline, mutely inquiring what I should do. +"Speak!" she said. + +The next moment I found myself on my knees before the Holy Father. +I kissed his foot and he held out his hand; then raising my eyes, +which were filled with tears, I said entreatingly: "Holy Father, I +have a great favour to ask you." At once he bent towards me till +his face almost touched mine, and his piercing black eyes seemed +to read my very soul. "Holy Father," I repeated, "in honour of +your jubilee, will you allow me to enter the Carmel when I am +fifteen?" + +The Vicar-General, surprised and displeased, said quickly: "Holy +Father, this is a child who desires to become a Carmelite, but the +Superiors of the Carmel are looking into the matter." "Well, my +child," said His Holiness, "do whatever the Superiors decide." +Clasping my hands and resting them on his knee, I made a final +effort: "Holy Father, if only you say 'yes,' everyone else would +agree." + +He looked at me fixedly and said clearly and emphatically: "Well, +well! You will enter if it is God's Will." I was going to speak +again, when the Noble Guards motioned to me. As I paid little +attention they came forward, the Vicar-General with them, for I +was still kneeling before the Pope with my hands resting on his +knee. Just as I was forced to rise, the dear Holy Father gently +placed his hand on my lips, then lifted it to bless me, letting +his eyes follow me for quite a long time. + +My Father was much distressed to find me coming from the audience +in tears; he had passed out before me, and so did not know +anything about my request. The Vicar-General had shown him unusual +kindness, presenting him to Leo XIII as the father of two +Carmelites. The Sovereign Pontiff, as a special sign of +benevolence, had placed his hand on his head, thus appearing in +the name of Christ Himself to mark him with a mysterious seal. But +now that this father of _four_ Carmelites is in Heaven, it is no +longer the hand of Christ's Vicar which rests on his brow, +prophesying his martyrdom: it is the hand of the Spouse of +Virgins, of the King of Heaven; and this Divine Hand will never be +taken away from the head which it has blessed. + +This trial was indeed a heavy one, but I must admit that in spite +of my tears I felt a deep inward peace, for I had made every +effort in my power to respond to the appeal of my Divine Master. +This peace, however, dwelt in the depths of my soul--on the +surface all was bitterness; and Jesus was silent--absent it would +seem, for nothing revealed that He was there. + +On that day, too, the sun dared not shine, and the beautiful blue +sky of Italy, hidden by dark clouds, mingled its tears with mine. +All was at an end. My journey had no further charm for me since it +had failed in its object. It is true the Holy Father's words: "You +will enter if it is God's Will," should have consoled me, they +were indeed a prophecy. In spite of all these obstacles, what God +in His goodness willed, has come to pass. He has not allowed His +creatures to do what they will but only what He wills. Sometime +before this took place I had offered myself to the Child Jesus to +be His little plaything. I told Him not to treat me like one of +those precious toys which children only look at and dare not +touch, but to treat me like a little ball of no value, that could +be thrown on the ground, kicked about, pierced, left in a corner, +or pressed to His Heart just as it might please Him. In a word I +wished to amuse the Holy child and to let Him play with me as He +fancied. Here indeed He was answering my prayer. In Rome Jesus +pierced His little plaything. He wanted to see what was inside +. . . and when satisfied, He let it drop and went to sleep. What +was +He doing during His sweet slumber, and what became of the ball +thus cast on one side? He dreamed that He was still at play, that +He took it up or threw it down, that He rolled it far away, but at +last He pressed it to His Heart, nor did He allow it again to slip +from His tiny Hand. Dear Mother, you can imagine the sadness of +the little ball lying neglected on the ground! And yet it +continued to hope against hope. + +After our audience my Father went to call on Brother Simeon--the +founder and director of St. Joseph's College--and there he met +Father Révérony. He reproached him gently for not having helped me +in my difficult task, and told the whole story to Brother Simeon. +The good old man listened with much interest and even made notes, +saying with evident feeling: "This kind of thing is not seen in +Italy." + +The next day we started for Naples and Pompeii. Vesuvius did us +the honour of emitting from its crater a thick volume of smoke, +accompanied by numerous loud reports. The traces of the +devastation of Pompeii are terrifying. They show forth the power +of God: "He looketh upon the earth, and maketh it tremble; He +toucheth the mountains and they smoke." + +I should like to have wandered alone among its ruins, meditating +on the instability of human things, but such solitude was not to +be thought of. + +At Naples we made an expedition to the monastery of San Martino; +it crowns a high hill overlooking the whole city. On the way back +the horses took the bit in their teeth, and it is solely to our +Guardian Angels that I attribute our safe return to the splendid +hotel. This word "splendid" is not too strong to describe it; in +fact during the whole journey we stayed only at the most expansive +hotels. I had never been surrounded by such luxury, but it is +indeed a true saying that riches do not make happiness. I should +have been a thousand times more contented under a thatched room, +with the hope of entering the Carmel, than I was amid marble +staircases, gilded ceilings, and silken hangings, with my heart +full of sorrow. + +I realised thoroughly that joy is not found in the things which +surround us, but lives only in the soul. One could possess it as +well in an obscure prison as in the palace of a king. And so now I +am happier at the Carmel, in the midst of trials within and +without, than I was in the world where I had everything I wanted, +and, above all, the joys of a happy home. + +Although I felt heavy of heart, outwardly I was as usual, for I +thought no one had any knowledge of my petition to the Pope. I was +mistaken. One day, when the other pilgrims had gone to the +refreshment-room and Céline and I were alone, Mgr. Legoux came to +the door of the carriage. He looked at me attentively and smiling +said: "Well, and how is our little Carmelite?" This showed me that +my secret was known to all the pilgrims, and I gathered it, too, +from their kindly looks; but happily no one spoke to me on the +subject. + +At Assisi I had a little adventure. While visiting the places +sanctified by the virtues of St. Francis and St. Clare I lost the +buckle of my belt in the monastery. It took me some time to find +and put it back in place, and when I reached the door all the +carriages had started except one; that belonged to the +Vicar-General of Bayeux! Should I run after those which were no +longer in sight and so perhaps miss the train, or should I beg for +a seat in the carriage of Father Révérony? I decided that this was +the wiser plan. + +I tried to hide my extreme embarrassment and explained things. He +was placed in a difficulty himself, for all the seats were +occupied, but one of the party promptly gave me his place and sat +by the driver. I felt like a squirrel caught in a snare. I was ill +at ease in the midst of these great people, and I had to sit face +to face with the most formidable of all. He was exceedingly kind, +however, and now and then interrupted his conversation to talk to +me about the Carmel and promise that he would do all in his power +to realise my desire of entering at fifteen. This meeting was like +balm to my wounds, though it did not prevent me from suffering. I +had now lost all trust in creatures and could only lean on God +Himself. + +And yet my distress did not hinder me from taking a deep interest +in the holy places we visited. In Florence we saw the shrine of +St. Mary Magdalen of Pazzi, in the choir of the Carmelite Church. +All the pilgrims wanted to touch the Saint's tomb with their +Rosaries, but my hand was the only one small enough to pass +through the grating. So I was deputed for this important and +lengthy task, and I did it with pride. + +It was not the first time I had obtained special favours. One day, +at _Santa Croce,_ in Rome, we venerated the relics of the True +Cross, together with two of the Thorns, and one of the Sacred +Nails. I wanted to examine them closely, so I remained behind, and +when the monk in charge was going to replace them on the Altar, I +asked if I might touch the precious treasures. He said I might do +so, but was doubtful if I should succeed; however, I put my little +finger into one of the openings of the reliquary and was able to +touch the Sacred Nail once hallowed by the Blood of Our Saviour. +You see I behaved towards Him like a child who thinks it may do as +it pleases and looks on its Father's treasures as its own. + +Having passed through Pisa and Genoa we came back to France by one +of the loveliest routes. At times we were close to the sea, and +one day during a storm it seemed as though the waves would reach +the train. Farther on we travelled through plains covered with +orange trees, olives, and feathery palms, while at night the +numerous seaports twinkled with lights, and stars came out in the +deep blue sky. But I watched the fairy picture fade away from my +eyes without any regret--my heart was set elsewhere. + +My Father proposed to take me to Jerusalem, but in spite of the +natural wish I had to visit the places sanctified by Our Lord's +Footsteps, I was weary of earthly pilgrimages and only longed for +the beauties of Heaven. In order to win these beauties for souls I +wanted to become a prisoner as quickly as possible. I felt that I +must suffer and struggle still more before the gates of my blessed +prison would open; yet my trust in God did not grow less, and I +still hoped to enter at Christmas. + +We had hardly reached home when I paid a visit to the Carmel. You +must remember well that interview, dear Mother. I left myself +entirely in your hands, for I had exhausted all my resources. You +told me to write to the Bishop and remind him of his promise. I +obeyed at once, and as soon as my letter was posted I felt I +should obtain the coveted permission without any delay. Alas! each +day brought fresh disappointments. The beautiful feast of +Christmas dawned; still Jesus slept. He left His little ball on +the ground without even glancing that way. + +This was indeed a sore trial, but Our Lord, Whose Heart is always +watching, taught me that He granted miracles to those whose faith +is small as a grain of mustard seed, in the hope of strengthening +this slender faith; whilst for His intimate friends, for His +Mother, He did not work miracles till He had proved their faith. +Did He not permit Lazarus to die even though Mary and Martha had +sent word that he was sick? And at the marriage feast of Cana, +when Our Lady asked her Divine Son to aid the master of the house, +did He not answer that His hour had not yet come? But after the +trial what a reward! Water is changed into wine, and Lazarus rises +from the dead. In this way did my Beloved act with His little +Thérèse; after He had tried her for a long time He granted all her +desires. + +For my New Year's gift of 1888, Jesus again gave me His Cross. You +told me, dear Mother, that you had had the Bishop's answer since +December 28, the feast of Holy Innocents; that he authorised my +immediate entry into the Carmel, but that nevertheless you had +decided not to open its doors till after Lent. I could not +restrain my tears at the thought of such a long delay. This trial +affected me in a special manner, for I felt my earthly ties were +severed, and yet the Ark in its turn refused to admit the poor +little dove. + +How did these three months pass? They were fruitful in sufferings +and still more so in other graces. At first the thought came into +my mind that I would not put any extra restraint on myself, I +would lead a life somewhat less strictly ordered than was my +custom. But Our Lord made me understand the benefit I might derive +from this time He had granted me, and I then resolved to give +myself up to a more serious and mortified life. When I say +mortified, I do not mean that I imitated the penances of the +Saints; far from resembling those beautiful souls who have +practised all sorts of mortifications from their infancy, I made +mine consist in simply checking my inclinations, keeping back an +impatient answer, doing little services to those around me without +setting store thereby, and a hundred other things of the kind. By +practising these trifles I prepared myself to become the Spouse of +Jesus, and I can never tell you, Mother, how much the added delay +helped me to grow in abandonment, in humility, and in other +virtues. +______________________________ + +[1] Joel 2:19. + +[2] _Imitation of Christ,_ III, xxiv. 2. + +[3] Isa. 65:15. + +[4] Apoc. 2:17. + +[5] 1 Cor. 4:5. + +[6] Matt. 5:13. + +[7] Tit. 1:15. + +[8] Montmartre--the "Mount of Martyrs"--is the hill whereon St. +Denis, apostle and bishop of Paris, was martyred with his two +companions in the third century. It was a famous place of +pilgrimage in medieval times, and here St. Ignatius and the first +Jesuits took their vows. Under the presidency of Marshal MacMahon, +the erection of the well-known Basilica was voted in 1873 by the +French Chamber of Deputies as a national act of reparation to the +Sacred Heart. [Ed.] + +[9] Cemetery. + +[10] Cf. Cant. 7:1. + +[11] Office of St. Cecilia. + +[12] Luke 12:32. + +[13] Luke 22:29. + +[14] Cf. Matt. 20:22. + +[15] Luke 24:26. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER VII +THE LITTLE FLOWER ENTERS THE CARMEL + +Monday, April 9, 1888, being the Feast of the Annunciation, +transferred from Passiontide, was the day chosen for me to enter +the Carmel. On the evening before, we were gathered around the +table where I was to take my place for the last time. These +farewells are in themselves heartrending, and just when I would +have liked to be forgotten I received the tenderest expressions of +affection, as if to increase the pain of parting. + +The next morning, after a last look at the happy home of my +childhood, I set out for the Carmel, where we all heard Mass. At +the moment of Communion, when Jesus had entered our hearts, I +heard sobs on all sides. I did not shed a tear, but as I led the +way to the cloister door my heart beat so violently that I +wondered if I were going to die. Oh, the agony of that moment! One +must have experienced it in order to understand. I embraced all my +dear ones and knelt for my Father's blessing. He, too, knelt down +and blessed me through his tears. It was a sight to gladden the +Angels, this old man giving his child to God while she was yet in +the springtime of life. At length the doors of the Carmel closed +upon me. . . . I found a welcome in your arms, dear Mother, and +received the embraces of another family, whose devotedness and +love is not dreamt of by the outside world. + +At last my desires were realised, and I cannot describe the deep +sweet peace which filled my soul. This peace has remained with me +during the eight and a half years of my life here, and has never +left me even amid the greatest trials. + +Everything in the Convent delighted me, especially our little +cell.[1] I fancied myself transported to the desert. I repeat that +my happiness was calm and peaceful--not even the lightest breeze +ruffled the tranquil waters on which my little barque sailed; no +cloud darkened the blue sky. I felt fully recompensed for all I +had gone through, and I kept saying: "Now I am here for ever." +Mine was no passing joy, it did not fade like first illusions. +From illusions God in His Mercy has ever preserved me. I found the +religious life just what I expected, and sacrifice was never a +matter of surprise. Yet you know well that from the beginning my +ways was strewn with thorns rather than with roses. + +In the first place, my soul had for its daily food the bread of +spiritual dryness. Then, too, dear Mother, Our Lord allowed you, +unconsciously, to treat me very severely. You found fault with me +whenever you met me. I remember once I had left a cobweb in the +cloister, and you said to me before the whole community: "It is +easy to see that our cloisters are swept by a child of fifteen. It +is disgraceful! Go and sweep away that cobweb, and be more careful +in future." + +On the rare occasions when I spent an hour with you for spiritual +direction, you seemed to be scolding me nearly all the time, and +what pained me most of all was that I did not see how to correct +my faults: for instance, my slow ways and want of thoroughness in +my duties, faults which you were careful to point out. + +One day it occurred to me that you would certainly prefer me to +spend my free time in work instead of in prayer, as was my custom; +so I plied my needle industriously without even raising my eyes. +No one ever knew of this, as I wished to be faithful to Our Lord +and do things solely for Him to see. + +When I was a postulant our Mistress used to send me every +afternoon at half-past four to weed the garden. This was a real +penance, the more so, dear Mother, because I was almost sure to +meet you on the way, and once you remarked: "Really, this child +does absolutely nothing. What are we to think of a novice who must +have a walk every day?" And yet, dear Mother, how grateful I am to +you for giving me such a sound and valuable training. It was an +inestimable grace. What should I have become, if, as the world +outside believed, I had been but the pet of the Community? +Perhaps, instead of seeing Our Lord in the person of my superiors, +I should only have considered the creature, and my heart, which +had been so carefully guarded in the world, would have been +ensnared by human affection in the cloister. Happily, your +motherly prudence saved me from such a disaster. + +And not only in this matter, but in other and more bitter trials, +I can truly say that Suffering opened her arms to me from the +first, and I took her to my heart. In the solemn examination +before my profession I declared--as was customary--the reason of +my entry into the Carmel: "I have come to save souls, and +especially to pray for Priests." One cannot attain the end without +adopting the means, and as Our Lord made me understand that it was +by the Cross He would give me souls, the more crosses I met with, +the stronger grew my attraction to suffering. For five years this +way was mine, but I alone knew it; this was precisely the flower I +wished to offer to Jesus, a hidden flower which keeps its perfume +only for Heaven. + +Two months after my entry Father Pichon was surprised at the +workings of grace in my soul; he thought my piety childlike and my +path an easy one. My conversation with this good Father would have +brought me great comfort, had it not been for the extreme +difficulty I found in opening my heart. Nevertheless I made a +general confession, and after it he said to me: "Before God, the +Blessed Virgin, and Angels, and all the Saints, I declare that you +have never committed a mortal sin. Thank God for the favours He +has so freely bestowed on you without any merit on your part." + +Without any merit on my part! That was not difficult to believe. +Fully conscious of my weakness and imperfection, my heart +overflowed with gratitude. I had distressed myself, fearing I +might have stained my baptismal robe, and this assurance, coming +as it did from the lips of a director, a man of wisdom and +holiness, such as our Mother St. Teresa desired, seemed to come +from God Himself. Father Pichon added: "May Our Lord always be +your Superior and your Novice Master!" And indeed He ever was, and +likewise my Director. In saying this I do not mean to imply that I +was not communicative with my superiors; far from being reserved, +I always tried to be as an open book. + +Our Mistress was a true saint, the perfect type of the first +Carmelites, and I seldom left her side, for she had to teach me +how to work. Her kindness was beyond words, I loved and +appreciated her, and yet my soul did not expand. I could not +explain myself, words failed me, and so the time of spiritual +direction became a veritable martyrdom. + +One of the older nuns seemed to understand what I felt, for she +once said to me during recreation: "I should think, child, you +have not much to tell your superiors." "Why do you think that, +dear Mother?" I asked. "Because your soul is very simple; but when +you are perfect you will become more simple still. The nearer one +approaches God, the simpler one becomes." + +This good Mother was right. Nevertheless the great difficulty I +found in opening my heart, though it came from simplicity, was a +genuine trial. Now, however, without having lost my simplicity, I +am able to express my thoughts with the greatest ease. + +I have already said that Our Lord Himself had acted as my +Spiritual Guide. Hardly had Father Pichon become my director when +his Superiors sent him to Canada. I was only able to hear from him +once in the year, so now the Little Flower which had been +transplanted to the mountain of Carmel quickly turned to the +Director of Directors, and unfolded itself under the shadow of His +Cross, having for refreshing dew His Tears, His Precious Blood, +and for radiant sun His Adorable Face. + +Until then I had not appreciated the beauties of the Holy Face; it +was my dear Mother, Agnes of Jesus, who unveiled them to me. As +she had been the first of her sisters to enter the Carmel, so she +was the first to penetrate the mysteries of love hidden in the +Face of Our Divine Spouse. Then she showed them to me and I +understood better than ever, in what true glory consists. He whose +"Kingdom is not of this world"[2] taught me that the only royalty +to be coveted lies in being "unknown and esteemed as naught,"[3] +and in the joy of self-abasement. And I wished that my face, like +the Face of Jesus, "should be, as it were, hidden and +despised,"[4] so that no one on earth should esteem me. I thirsted +to suffer and to be forgotten. + +Most merciful has been the way by which the Divine Master has ever +led me. He has never inspired me with any desire and left it +unsatisfied, and that is why I have always found His bitter +chalice full of sweetness. + +At the end of May, Marie, our eldest, was professed, and Thérèse, +the Benjamin, had the privilege of crowning her with roses on the +day of her mystical espousals. After this happy feast trials again +came upon us. Ever since his first attack of paralysis we realised +that my Father was very easily tired. During our journey to Rome I +often noticed that he seemed exhausted and in pain. But, above +all, I remarked his progress in the path of holiness; he had +succeeded in obtaining a complete mastery over the impetuosity of +his natural disposition, and earthly things were unable to ruffle +his calm. Let me give you an instance. + +During our pilgrimage we were in the train for days and nights +together, and to wile away the time our companions played cards, +and occasionally grew very noisy. One day they asked us to join +them, but we refused, saying we knew little about the game; we did +not find the time long--only too short, indeed, to enjoy the +beautiful views which opened before us. Presently their annoyance +became evident, and then dear Papa began quietly to defend us, +pointing out that as we were on pilgrimage, more of our time might +be given to prayer. + +One of the players, forgetting the respect due to age, called out +thoughtlessly: "Thank God, Pharisees are rare!" My Father did not +answer a word, he even seemed pleased; and later on he found an +opportunity of shaking hands with this man, and of speaking so +pleasantly that the latter must have thought his rude words had +either not been heard, or at least were forgotten. + +His habit of forgiveness did not date from this day; my Mother and +all who knew him bore witness that no uncharitable word ever +passed his lips. + +His faith and generosity were likewise equal to any trial. This is +how he announced my departure to one of his friends: "Thérèse, my +little Queen, entered the Carmel yesterday. God alone could ask +such a sacrifice; but He helps me so mightily that even in the +midst of tears my heart is overflowing with joy." + +This faithful servant must needs receive a reward worthy of his +virtues, and he himself claimed that reward. You remember the +interview when he said to us: "Children, I have just come back +from Alençon, and there, in the Church of Notre Dame, I received +such graces and consolations that I made this prayer: 'My God, it +is too much, yes, I am too happy; I shall not get to Heaven like +this, I wish to suffer something for Thee--and I offered myself as +a'"--the word _victim_ died on his lips. He dared not pronounce it +before us, but we understood. You know, dear Mother, the story of +our trial; I need not recall its sorrowful details. + +And now my clothing day drew near. Contrary to all expectations, +my Father had recovered from a second attack, and the Bishop fixed +the ceremony for January 10. The time of waiting had been long +indeed, but now what a beautiful feast! Nothing was wanting, not +even snow. + +Do you remember my telling you, dear Mother, how fond I am of +snow? While I was still quite small, its whiteness entranced me. +Why had I such a fancy for snow? Perhaps it was because, being a +little winter flower, my eyes first saw the earth clad in its +beautiful white mantle. So, on my clothing day, I wished to see it +decked, like myself, in spotless white. The weather was so mild +that it might have been spring, and I no longer dared hope for +snow. The morning of the feast brought no change and I gave up my +childish desire, as impossible to be realised. My Father came to +meet me at the enclosure door, his eyes full of tears, and +pressing me to his heart exclaimed: "Ah! Here is my little Queen!" +Then, giving me his arm, we made our solemn entry into the public +Chapel. This was his day of triumph, his last feast on earth; now +his sacrifice was complete, and his children belonged to God.[5] +Céline had already confided to him that later on she also wished +to leave the world for the Carmel. On hearing this he was beside +himself with joy: "Let us go before the Blessed Sacrament," he +said, "and thank God for all the graces He has granted us and the +honour He has paid me in choosing His Spouses from my household. +God has indeed done me great honour in asking for my children. If +I possessed anything better I would hasten to offer it to Him." +That something better was himself, "and God received him as a +victim of holocaust; He tried him as gold in the furnace, and +found him worthy of Himself."[6] + +After the ceremony in the Chapel I re-entered the Convent and the +Bishop intoned the _Te Deum._ One of the Priests observed to him +that this hymn of thanksgiving was only sung at professions, but, +once begun, it was continued to the end. Was it not right that +this feast should be complete, since in it all other joyful days +were reunited? + +The instant I set foot in the enclosure again my eyes fell on the +statue of the Child Jesus smiling on me amid the flowers and +lights; then, turning towards the quadrangle, I saw that, in spite +of the mildness of the weather, it was covered with snow. What a +delicate attention on the part of Jesus! Gratifying the least wish +of His little Spouse, He even sent her this. Where is the creature +so mighty that he can make one flake of it fall to please his +beloved? + +Everyone was amazed, and since then many people, hearing of my +desire, have described this event as "the little miracle" of my +clothing day, and thought it strange I should be so fond of snow. +So much the better, it shows still more the wonderful +condescension of the Spouse of Virgins--of Him Who loves lilies +white as the snow. After the ceremony the Bishop entered. He gave +me many proofs of his fatherly tenderness, and, in presence of all +the Priests, spoke of my visit to Bayeux and the journey to Rome; +nor did he forget to tell them how I had put up my hair before +visiting him. Then, laying his hand on my head, he blessed me +affectionately. My mind dwelt with ineffable sweetness on the +caresses Our Lord will soon lavish upon me before all the Saints, +and this consoling thought was a foretaste of Heaven. I have just +said that January 10 was a day of triumph for my dear Father. I +liken it to the feast of the entry of Christ into Jerusalem, on +Palm Sunday. As in the case of Our Divine Master, his day of +triumph was followed by long days of sorrow; and, even as the +agony of Jesus pierced the heart of His divine Mother, so our +hearts were deeply wounded by the humiliations and sufferings of +him, whom we loved best on earth. . . . I remember that in the +month of June 1888, when we were fearing another stroke of +paralysis, I surprised our Novice Mistress by saying: "I am +suffering a great deal, Mother, yet I feel I can suffer still +more." I did not then foresee the trial awaiting us. I did not +know that on February 12, one month after my clothing day, our +beloved Father would drink so deeply of such a bitter chalice. I +no longer said I could suffer more, words cannot express our +grief; nor shall I attempt to describe it here. + +In Heaven, we shall enjoy dwelling on these dark days of exile. +Yet the three years of my Father's martyrdom seem to me the +sweetest and most fruitful of our lives. I would not exchange them +for the most sublime ecstasies, and my heart cries out in +gratitude for such a priceless treasure: "We have rejoiced for the +days wherein Thou hast afflicted us."[7] Precious and sweet was +this bitter cross, and our hearts only breathed out sighs of +grateful love. We no longer walked--we ran, we flew along the path +of perfection. + +Léonie and Céline, though living in the world, were no longer of +the world. The letters they wrote were full of the most edifying +resignation. And what talks I had with Céline! Far from separating +us, the grating of the Carmel united us more closely: the same +thoughts, the same desires, the same love for Our Lord and for +souls, made our very life. Not a word concerning things of earth +entered into our conversation; but, just as in former days we +lifted longing eyes to Heaven, so now our hearts strained after +the joys beyond time and space, and, for the sake of an eternal +happiness, we chose to suffer and be despised here below. + +Though my suffering seemed to have reached its height, yet my +attraction thereto did not grow less, and soon my soul shared in +the trials my heart had to bear. My spiritual aridity increased, +and I found no comfort either in Heaven or on earth; yet, amid +these waters of tribulation that I had so thirsted for, I was the +happiest of mortals. + +Thus passed the time of my betrothal, too long a time for me. At +the end of the year you told me, dear Mother, that I must not yet +think of my profession, as our Ecclesiastical Superior expressly +forbade it. I had therefore to wait for eight months more. At +first I found it very difficult to be resigned to such a +sacrifice, but divine light penetrated my soul before long. + +At this time I was using for my meditations Surin's _Foundations +of the Spiritual life._ One day during prayer, it was brought home +to me that my too eager desire to take my vows was mingled with +much self-love; as I belonged to Our Lord and was His little +plaything to console and please Him, it was for me to do His Will, +not for Him to do mine. I also understood that a bride would not +be pleasing to the bridegroom on her wedding day were she not +magnificently attired. But, what had I made ready? So I said to +Our Lord: "I do not ask Thee to hasten the day of my profession, I +will wait as long as Thou pleasest, only I cannot bear that +through any fault of mine my union with Thee should be delayed; I +will set to work and carefully prepare a wedding-dress enriched +with diamonds and precious stones, and, when Thou findest it +sufficiently rich, I am sure that nothing will keep Thee from +accepting me as Thy Spouse." + +I took up the task with renewed zest. Since my clothing day I had +received abundant lights on religious perfection, chiefly +concerning the vow of poverty. Whilst I was a postulant I liked to +have nice things to use and to find everything needful ready to +hand. Jesus bore with me patiently, for He gives His light little +by little. At the beginning of my spiritual life, about the age of +fourteen, I used to ask myself how, in days to come, I should more +clearly understand the true meaning of perfection. I imagined I +then understood it completely, but I soon came to realise that the +more one advances along this path the farther one seems from the +goal, and now I am resigned to be always imperfect, and I even +find joy therein. + +To return to the lessons which Our Lord taught me. One evening +after Compline I searched in vain for our lamp on the shelves +where they are kept, and, as it was the time of the "Great +Silence," I could not recover it. I guessed rightly that a Sister, +believing it to be her own, had taken it; but just on that evening +I had counted much on doing some work, and was I to spend a whole +hour in the dark on account of this mistake? Without the interior +light of grace I should undoubtedly have pitied myself, but, with +that light, I felt happy instead of aggrieved, and reflected that +poverty consists in being deprived not only of what is convenient, +but of what is necessary. And, in this exterior darkness, I found +my soul illumined by a brightness that was divine. + +At this time I was seized with a craving for whatever was ugly and +inconvenient; and was thus quite pleased when a pretty little jug +was taken from our cell and a large chipped one put in its place. +I also tried hard not to make excuses, but I found this very +difficult, especially with our Mistress; from her I did not like +to hide anything. + +My first victory was not a great one, but it cost me a good deal. +A small jar, left behind a window, was found broken. No one knew +who had put it there, but our Mistress was displeased, and, +thinking I was to blame in leaving it about, told me I was very +untidy and must be more careful in future. Without answering, I +kissed the ground and promised to be more observant. I was so +little advanced in virtue that these small sacrifices cost me +dear, and I had to console myself with the thought that at the day +of Judgment all would be known. + +Above all I endeavoured to practise little hidden acts of virtue; +thus I took pleasure in folding the mantles forgotten by the +Sisters, and I sought for every possible occasion of helping them. +One of God's gifts was a great attraction towards penance, but I +was not permitted to satisfy it; the only mortification allowed me +consisted in mortifying my self-love, and this did me far more +good than bodily penance would have done. + +However, Our Lady helped me with my wedding-dress, and, as soon as +it was finished, every obstacle vanished and my profession was +fixed for September 8, 1890. + +All that I have set down in these few words would take many pages +to relate; but those pages will never be read on earth. . . . +______________________________ + +[1] Nuns, in the spirit of poverty, avoid using the word _my,_ as +denoting private possessions; so, later on, "our lamp," "our +handkerchief," will occur. [Ed.] + +[2] John 18:36. + +[3] _Imit.,_ I, ii. 3. + +[4] Is. 53:3. + +[5] Léonie, having entered an order too severe for her delicate +health, had been obliged to return home to her Father. Later she +became a Visitation nun at Caen, and took the name of Sister +Frances Teresa. + +[6] Cf. Wisdom 3:5,6. + +[7] Ps. 89[90]:15. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER VIII PROFESSION OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE + +Need I tell you, dear Mother, about the retreat before my +profession? Far from receiving consolation, I went through it in a +state of utter dryness and as if abandoned by God. Jesus, as was +His wont, slept in my little barque. How rarely do souls suffer +Him to sleep in peace! This Good Master is so wearied with +continually making fresh advances that He eagerly avails Himself +of the repose I offer Him, and, no doubt, He will sleep on until +my great and everlasting retreat; but, instead of being grieved at +this, I am glad. + +In truth I am no Saint, as this frame of mind well shows. I ought +not to rejoice in my dryness of soul, but rather attribute it to +my want of fervour and fidelity. That I fall asleep so often +during meditation, and thanksgiving after Communion, should +distress me. Well, I am not distressed. I reflect that little +children are equally dear to their parents whether they are asleep +or awake; that, in order to perform operations, doctors put their +patients to sleep; and finally that "The Lord knoweth our frame, +He remembereth that we are but dust."[1] Yet, apparently barren as +was my retreat--and those which followed have been no less so--I +unconsciously received many interior lights on the best means of +pleasing God, and practising virtue. I have often observed that +Our Lord will not give me any store of provisions, but nourishes +me each moment with food that is ever new; I find it within me +without knowing how it has come there. I simply believe that it is +Jesus Himself hidden in my poor heart, who is secretly at work, +inspiring me with what He wishes me to do as each occasion arises. + +Shortly before my profession I received the Holy Father's +blessing, through the hands of Brother Simeon; and this precious +Blessing undoubtedly helped me through the most terrible storm of +my whole life. + +On the eve of the great day, instead of being filled with the +customary sweetness, my vocation suddenly seemed to me as unreal +as a dream. The devil--for it was he--made me feel sure that I was +wholly unsuited for life in the Carmel, and that I was deceiving +my superiors by entering on a way to which I was not called. The +darkness was so bewildering that I understood but one thing--I had +no religious vocation, and must return to the world. I cannot +describe the agony I endured. What was I to do in such a +difficulty? I chose the right course, deciding to tell my Novice +Mistress of the temptation without delay. I sent for her to come +out of choir, and though full of confusion, I confessed the state +of my soul. Fortunately she saw more clearly than I did, and +reassured me completely by laughing frankly at my story. The devil +was put to instant flight by my humble avowal; what he wanted was +to keep me from speaking, and thus draw me into his snares. But it +was my turn now to ensnare him, for, to make my humiliation more +complete, I also told you everything, dear Mother, and your +consoling words dispelled my last fears. + +On the morning of September 8, a wave of peace flooded my soul, +and, in "that peace which surpasseth all understanding,"[2] I +pronounced my holy vows. + +Many were the graces I asked. I felt myself truly a queen and took +advantage of my title to obtain every favour from the King for His +ungrateful subjects. No one was forgotten. I wished that every +sinner on earth might be converted; that on that day Purgatory +should set its captives free; and I bore upon my heart this letter +containing what I desired for myself: + +"O Jesus, my Divine Spouse, grant that my baptismal robe may never +be sullied. Take me from this world rather than let me stain my +soul by committing the least wilful fault. May I never seek or +find aught but Thee alone! May all creatures be nothing to me and +I nothing to them! May no earthly thing disturb my peace! + +"O Jesus, I ask but Peace. . . . Peace, and above all, Love. . . . +Love--without limit. Jesus, I ask that for Thy sake I may die a +Martyr; give me martyrdom of soul or body. Or rather give me both +the one and the other. + +"Grant that I may fulfill my engagements in all their perfection; +that no one may think of me; that I may be trodden under foot, +forgotten, as a little grain of sand. I offer myself to Thee, O my +Beloved, that Thou mayest ever perfectly accomplish in me Thy Holy +Will, without let or hindrance from creatures." + +When at the close of this glorious day I laid my crown of roses, +according to custom, at Our Lady's feet, it was without regret. I +felt that time would never lessen my happiness. + +It was the Nativity of Mary. What a beautiful feast on which to +become the Spouse of Jesus! It was the _little_ new-born Holy +Virgin who presented her _little_ Flower to the _little_ Jesus. +That day everything was little except the graces I +received--except my peace and joy in gazing upon the beautiful +star-lit sky at night, and in thinking that soon I should fly away +to Heaven and be united to my Divine Spouse amid eternal bliss. + +On September 24 took place the ceremony of my receiving the veil. +This feast was indeed _veiled_ in tears. Papa was too ill to come +and bless his little Queen; at the last minute Mgr. Hugonin, who +should have presided, was unable to do so, and, for other reasons +also, the day was a painful one. And yet amid it all, my soul was +profoundly at peace. That day it pleased Our Lord that I should +not be able to restrain my tears, and those tears were not +understood. It is true I had borne far harder trials without +shedding a tear; but then I had been helped by special graces, +whilst on this day Jesus left me to myself, and I soon showed my +weakness. + +Eight days after I had taken the veil my cousin, Jeanne Guérin, +was married to Dr. La Néele. When she came to see us afterwards +and I heard of all the little attentions she lavished on her +husband, my heart thrilled and I thought: "It shall never be said +that a woman in the world does more for her husband than I do for +Jesus, my Beloved." And, filled with fresh ardour, I set myself +more earnestly than ever to please my Heavenly Spouse, the King of +Kings, Who had deigned to honour me by a divine alliance. + +Having seen the letter announcing the marriage, I amused myself by +composing the following invitation, which I read to the novices in +order to bring home to them what had struck me so forcibly--that +the glory of all earthly unions is as nothing compared to the +titles of a Spouse of Our Divine Lord. + +"God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Sovereign Ruler of the +Universe, and the Glorious Virgin Mary, Queen of the Heavenly +Court, announce to you the Spiritual Espousals of their August +Son, Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, with little Thérèse +Martin, now Princess and Lady of His Kingdoms of the Holy +Childhood and the Passion, assigned to her as a dowry, by her +Divine Spouse, from which Kingdoms she holds her titles of +nobility--_of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face._ It was not +possible to invite you to the Wedding Feast which took place on +the Mountain of Carmel, September 8, 1890--the Heavenly Court was +alone admitted--but you are requested to be present at the Wedding +Feast which will take place to-morrow, the day of Eternity, when +Jesus, the Son of God, will come in the clouds of Heaven, in the +splendour of His Majesty, to judge the living and the dead. + +"The hour being still uncertain, you are asked to hold yourselves +in readiness and watch."[3] + +And now, Mother, what more shall I say? It was through your hands +that I gave myself to Our Lord, and you have known me from +childhood--need I write my secrets? Forgive me if I cut short the +story of my religious life. + +During the general retreat following my profession I received +great graces. As a rule I find preached retreats most trying, but +this one was quite an exception. I anticipated so much suffering +that I prepared myself by a fervent novena. It was said that the +good Priest understood better how to convert sinners than to +direct the souls of nuns. Well then, I must be a great sinner, for +God made use of this holy religious to bring me much consolation. +At that time I had all kinds of interior trials which I found it +impossible to explain to anyone; suddenly, I was able to lay open +my whole soul. The Father understood me in a marvellous way; he +seemed to divine my state, and launched me full sail upon that +ocean of confidence and love in which I had longed to advance, but +so far had not dared. He told me that my faults did not pain the +Good God, and added: "At this moment I hold His place, and I +assure you from Him that He is well pleased with your soul." How +happy these consoling words made me! I had never been told before +that it was possible for faults not to pain the Sacred Heart; this +assurance filled me with joy and helped me to bear with patience +the exile of this life. It was also the echo of my inmost +thoughts. In truth I had long known that the Lord is more tender +than a mother, and I have sounded the depths of more than one +mother's heart. I know that a mother is ever ready to forgive her +child's small thoughtless faults. How often have I not had this +sweet experience! No reproach could have touched me more than one +single kiss from my Mother. My nature is such that fear makes me +shrink, while, under love's sweet rule, I not only advance--I fly. + +Two months after this happy retreat our Venerable Foundress, +Mother Genevieve of St. Teresa, quitted our little convent to +enter the Heavenly Carmel. Before speaking of my impressions at +the time of her death, I should like to tell you what a joy it was +to have lived for some years with a soul whose holiness was not +inimitable, but lay in the practice of simple and hidden virtues. +More than once she was to me a source of great consolation. + +One Sunday I went to the infirmary to pay her a visit, but, as two +of the older nuns were there, I was retiring quietly, when she +called me and said, with something of inspiration in her manner: +"Wait, my child, I have just a word for you; you are always asking +me for a spiritual bouquet, well, to-day I give you this one: +Serve the Lord in peace and in joy. Remember that Our God is the +God of peace." + +I thanked her quite simply and went out of the room. I was moved +almost to tears, and was convinced that God had revealed to her +the state of my soul. That day I had been sorely tried, almost to +sadness. Such was the darkness that I no longer knew if I were +beloved of God, and so, dear Mother, you can understand what light +and consolation succeeded this gloom. + +The following Sunday I asked her whether she had received any +revelation about me, but she assured me that she had not, and this +only made me admire her the more, for it showed how intimately +Jesus lived in her soul and directed her words and actions. Such +holiness seems to me the most true, the most holy; it is the +holiness I desire, for it is free from all illusion. + +On the day when this revered Mother ended her exile, I received a +very special grace. It was the first time I had assisted at a +death-bed, yet though the sight enchanted me by its beauty, my two +hours of watching had made me very drowsy. I was grieved at this, +but, at the moment her soul took its flight to Heaven, my feelings +were completely changed. In an instant I was filled with an +indescribable joy and fervour, as if the soul of our blessed +Foundress made me share in the happiness she already enjoyed--for +I am quite convinced she went straight to Heaven. I had said to +her some time previously: "You will not go to Purgatory, dear +Mother." "I hope not," she answered sweetly. Certainly God would +not disappoint a hope so full of humility; and the proof that He +did not, lies in the many favours we have received. + +The Sisters hastened to claim something belonging to our beloved +Mother, and you know what a precious relic is mine. During her +agony I had noticed a tear glistening like a beautiful diamond. +That tear, the last she shed on this earth, did not fall, I still +saw it shining when her body was exposed in the choir. When +evening came, I made bold to approach unseen, with a little piece +of linen, and I now have the happiness of possessing the last tear +of a Saint. + +I attach no importance to my dreams, and indeed, they seldom have +any special meaning, though I do often wonder how it is that, as I +think of God all the day, my mind does not dwell on Him more in my +sleep. Generally I dream of the woods and the flowers, the brooks +and the sea, and nearly always of pretty children; or I chase +birds and butterflies such as I have never seen. But, if my dreams +are sometimes poetical, they are never mystical. + +However, one night after Mother Genevieve's death, I had a more +consoling one. I thought I saw her giving to each of us something +that had belonged to herself. When my turn came, her hands were +empty, and I was afraid I was not to receive anything; but she +looked at me lovingly, and said three times: "To you I leave my +heart." + +About a month after that seraphic death, towards the close of the +year 1891, an epidemic of influenza raged in the Community; I only +had it slightly and was able to be about with two other Sisters. +It is impossible to imagine the heartrending state of our Carmel +throughout those days of sorrow. The worst sufferers were nursed +by those who could hardly drag themselves about; death was all +around us, and, when a Sister had breathed her last, we had to +leave her instantly. + +My nineteenth birthday was saddened by the death of Mother +Sub-Prioress; I assisted with the infirmarian during her agony, +and two more deaths quickly followed. I now had to do the Sacristy +work single-handed, and I wonder sometimes how I was equal to it +all. + +One morning, when it was time to rise, I had a presentiment that +Sister Magdalen was no more. The dormitory was quite in darkness, +no one was leaving her cell. I decided, however, to go in to +Sister Magdalen, and I found her dressed, but lying dead on her +bed. I was not in the least afraid, and running to the Sacristy I +quickly brought a blessed candle, and placed on her head a wreath +of roses. Amid all this desolation I felt the Hand of God and knew +that His Heart was watching over us. Our dear Sisters left this +life for a happier one without any struggle; an expression of +heavenly joy shone on their faces, and they seemed only to be +enjoying a pleasant sleep. During all these long and trying weeks +I had the unspeakable consolation of receiving Holy Communion +every day. How sweet it was! For a long time Jesus treated me as a +spoilt child, for a longer time than His more faithful Spouses. He +came to me daily for several months after the influenza had +ceased, a privilege not granted to the Community. I had not asked +this favour, but I was unspeakably happy to be united day after +day to my Beloved. + +Great was my joy in being allowed to touch the Sacred Vessels and +prepare the Altar linen on which Our Lord was to be laid. I felt +that I must increase in fervour, and I often recalled those words +addressed to deacons at their ordination: "Be you holy, you who +carry the Vessels of the Lord." + +What can I tell you, dear Mother, about my thanksgivings after +Communion? There is no time when I taste less consolation. But +this is what I should expect. I desire to receive Our Lord, not +for my own satisfaction, but simply to give Him pleasure. + +I picture my soul as a piece of waste ground and beg Our Blessed +Lady to take away my imperfections--which are as heaps of +rubbish--and to build upon it a splendid tabernacle worthy of +Heaven, and adorn it with her own adornments. Then I invite all +the Angels and Saints to come and sing canticles of love, and it +seems to me that Jesus is well pleased to see Himself received so +grandly, and I share in His joy. But all this does not prevent +distractions and drowsiness from troubling me, and not +unfrequently I resolve to continue my thanksgiving throughout the +day, since I made it so badly in choir. + +You see, dear Mother, that my way is not the way of fear; I can +always make myself happy, and profit by my imperfections, and Our +Lord Himself encourages me in this path. Once, contrary to my +usual custom, I felt troubled when I approached the Holy Table. +For several days there had not been a sufficient number of Hosts, +and I had only received a small part of one; this morning I +foolishly thought: "If the same thing happens to-day, I shall +imagine that Jesus does not care to come into my heart." I +approached the rails. What a joy awaited me! The Priest hesitated +a moment, then gave me two entire Hosts. Was this not a sweet +response? + +I have much to be thankful for. I will tell you quite openly what +the Lord has done for me. He has shown unto me the same mercy as +unto King Solomon. All my desires have been satisfied; not only my +desires of perfection, but even those of which I understood the +vanity, in theory, if not in practice. I had always looked on +Sister Agnes of Jesus as my model, and I wished to be like her in +everything. She used to paint exquisite miniatures and write +beautiful poems, and this inspired me with a desire to learn to +paint,[4] and express my thoughts in verse, that I might do some +good to those around me. But I would not ask for these natural +gifts, and my desire remained hidden in my heart. + +Jesus, too, had hidden Himself in this poor little heart, and He +was pleased to show me once more the vanity of all that passes. To +the great astonishment of the Community, I succeeded in painting +several pictures and in writing poems which have been a help to +certain souls. And just as Solomon, "turning to all the works +which his hand had wrought, and to the labours wherein he had +laboured in vain, saw in all things vanity and vexation of +mind,"[5] so experience showed me that the sole happiness of earth +consists in lying hidden, and remaining in total ignorance of +created things. I understood that without love even the most +brilliant deeds count for nothing. These gifts, which Our Lord +lavished upon me, far from doing me any harm, drew me towards Him; +I saw that He alone is unchangeable, He alone can fill the vast +abyss of my desires. + +Talking of my desires, I must tell you about others of quite a +different kind, which the Divine Master has also been pleased to +grant: childish desires, like the wish for snow on my clothing +day. You know, dear Mother, how fond I am of flowers. When I made +myself a prisoner at the age of fifteen, I gave up for ever the +delights of rambling through meadows bright with the treasures of +spring. Well, I never possessed so many flowers as I have had +since entering the Carmel. In the world young men present their +betrothed with beautiful bouquets, and Jesus did not forget me. +For His Altar I received, in abundance, all the flowers I loved +best: cornflowers, poppies, marguerites--one little friend only +was missing, the purple vetch. I longed to see it again, and at +last it came to gladden me and show that, in the least as in the +greatest, God gives a hundred-fold, even in this life, to those +who have left all for His Love. + +But one desire, the dearest of all, and for many reasons the most +difficult, remained unfulfilled. It was to see Céline enter the +Carmel of Lisieux. However, I had made a sacrifice of my longing, +and committed to God alone the future of my loved sister. I was +willing she should be sent to far distant lands if it must be so; +but I wanted above all things to see her like myself, the Spouse +of Jesus. I suffered deeply, aware that she was exposed in the +world to dangers I had never even known. My affection for her was +maternal rather than sisterly, and I was filled with solicitude +for the welfare of her soul. + +She was to go one evening with my aunt and cousins to a dance. I +know not why, but I felt more anxious than usual, and I shed many +tears, imploring Our Lord to hinder her dancing. And this was just +what happened; for He did not suffer His little Spouse to dance +that evening, although as a rule she did so most gracefully. And, +to the astonishment of everyone, her partner, too, found that he +was only able to walk gravely up and down with Mademoiselle. The +poor young man slipped away in confusion, and did not dare appear +again that evening. This unique occurrence increased my confidence +in Our Lord, and showed me clearly that He had already set His +seal on my sister's brow. + +On July 29, 1894, God called my saintly and much-tried Father to +Himself. For the last two years of his life he was completely +paralysed; so my uncle took him into his house and surrounded him +with the tenderest care. He became quite helpless and was only +able to visit us once during the whole course of his illness. It +was a sad interview. At the moment of parting, as we said +good-bye, he raised his eyes, and pointing upwards said in a voice +full of tears: "In Heaven!" + +Now that he was with God, the last ties which kept his consoling +Angel in the world were broken. Angels do not remain on this +earth; when they have accomplished their mission, they return +instantly to Heaven. That is why they have wings. Céline tried +therefore to fly to the Carmel; but the obstacles seemed +insurmountable. One day, when matters were going from bad to +worse, I said to Our Lord after Holy Communion: "Thou knowest, +dear Jesus, how earnestly I have desired that the trials my Father +endured should serve as his purgatory. I long to know if my wish +is granted. I do not ask Thee to speak to me, I only want a sign. +Thou knowest how much opposed is Sister N. to Céline's entering; +if she withdraw her opposition, I shall regard it as an answer +from Thee, and in this way I shall know that my Father went +straight to Heaven." + +God, Who holds in His Hand the hearts of His creatures, and +inclines them as He will, deigned in His infinite mercy and +ineffable condescension to change that Sister's mind. She was the +first person I met after my thanksgiving, and, with tears in her +eyes, she spoke of Céline's entrance, which she now ardently +desired. Shortly afterwards the Bishop set every obstacle aside, +and then you were able, dear Mother, without any hesitation, to +open our doors to the poor little exile.[6] + +Now I have no desire left, unless it be to love Jesus even unto +folly! It is Love alone that draws me. I no longer wish either for +suffering or death, yet both are precious to me. Long did I call +upon them as the messengers of joy. I have suffered much, and I +have thought my barque near indeed to the Everlasting Shore. From +earliest childhood I have imagined that the Little Flower would be +gathered in its springtime; now, the spirit of self-abandonment +alone is my guide. I have no other compass, and know not how to +ask anything with eagerness, save the perfect accomplishment of +God's designs upon my soul. I can say these words of the Canticle +of our Father, St. John of the Cross: + +"I drank deep in the cellar of my Friend, And, coming forth again, +Knew naught of all this plain, And lost the flock I erst was wont +to tend. My soul and all its wealth I gave to be His Own; No more +I tend my flock, all other work is done, And all my exercise is +Love alone."[7] + +Or rather: + +"Love hath so wrought in me Since I have known its sway, That all +within me, whether good or ill, It makes subservient to the end it +seeks, And soon transforms my soul into itself."[8] + +Full sweet is the way of Love. It is true one may fall and be +unfaithful to grace; but Love, knowing how to profit by +everything, quickly consumes whatever is displeasing to Jesus, +leaving in the heart only a deep and humble peace. I have obtained +many spiritual lights through the works of St. John of the Cross. +When I was seventeen and eighteen they were my only food; but, +later on, and even now, all spiritual authors leave me cold and +dry. However beautiful and touching a book may be, my heart does +not respond, and I read without understanding, or, if I +understand, I cannot meditate. In my helplessness the Holy +Scriptures and the _Imitation_ are of the greatest assistance; in +them I find a hidden manna, genuine and pure. But it is from the +Gospels that I find most help in the time of prayer; from them I +draw all that I need for my poor soul. I am always discovering in +them new lights and hidden mysterious meanings. I know and I have +experienced that "the Kingdom of God is within us."[9] Our Lord +has no need of books or teachers to instruct our souls. He, the +Teacher of Teachers, instructs us without any noise of words. I +have never heard Him speak, yet I know He is within me. He is +there, always guiding and inspiring me; and just when I need them, +lights, hitherto unseen, break in. This is not as a rule during my +prayers, but in the midst of my daily duties. Sometimes, however, +as this evening, at the close of a meditation spent in utter +dryness, a word of comfort is given to me: "Here is the Master I +give thee, He will teach thee all that thou shouldst do. I wish +thee to read in the Book of Life in which is contained the science +of love. . . ."[10] + +The Science of Love! How sweetly do these words echo in my soul! +That science alone do I desire. Having given all my substance for +it, like the Spouse in the Canticles, "I think that I have given +nothing."[11] After so many graces, may I not sing with the +Psalmist that "the Lord is good, that His Mercy endureth for +ever"?[12] + +It seems to me that if everyone were to receive such favours God +would be feared by none, but loved to excess; that no one would +ever commit the least wilful fault--and this through love, not +fear. + +Yet all souls cannot be alike. It is necessary that they should +differ from one another in order that each Divine Perfection may +receive its special honour. To me, He has given His Infinite +Mercy, and it is in this ineffable mirror that I contemplate his +other attributes. Therein all appear to me radiant with Love. His +Justice, even more perhaps than the rest, seems to me to be +clothed with Love. What joy to think that Our Lord is just, that +is to say, that He takes our weakness into account, that He knows +perfectly the frailty of our nature! Of what, then, need I be +afraid? + +Will not the God of Infinite Justice, Who deigns so lovingly to +pardon the sins of the Prodigal Son, be also just to me "who am +always with Him"?[13] + +In the year 1895 I received the grace to understand, more than +ever, how much Jesus desires to be loved. Thinking one day of +those who offer themselves as victims to the Justice of God, in +order to turn aside the punishment reserved for sinners by taking +it upon themselves, I felt this offering to be noble and generous, +but was very far from feeling myself drawn to make it. "O my +Divine Master," I cried from the bottom of my heart, "shall Thy +Justice alone receive victims of holocaust? Has not Thy Merciful +Love also need thereof? On all sides it is ignored, rejected . . . +the hearts on which Thou wouldst lavish it turn to creatures, +there to seek their happiness in the miserable satisfaction of a +moment, instead of casting themselves into Thine Arms, into the +unfathomable furnace of Thine Infinite Love. + +"O my God! must Thy Love which is disdained lie hidden in Thy +Heart? Methinks, if Thou shouldst find souls offering themselves +as victims of holocaust to Thy Love, Thou wouldst consume them +rapidly; Thou wouldst be well pleased to suffer the flames of +infinite tenderness to escape that are imprisoned in Thy Heart. + +"If Thy Justice--which is of earth--must needs be satisfied, how +much more must Thy Merciful Love desire to inflame souls, since +_"Thy mercy reacheth even to the Heavens"_?[14] O Jesus! Let me be +that happy victim--consume Thy holocaust with the Fire of Divine +Love!" + +Dear Mother, you know the love, or rather the oceans of grace +which flooded my soul immediately after I made that Act of +Oblation on June 9, 1895. From that day I have been penetrated and +surrounded with love. Every moment this Merciful Love renews me +and purifies me, leaving in my soul no trace of sin. I cannot fear +Purgatory; I know I do not merit to enter, even, into that place +of expiation with the Holy Souls, but I also know that the fire of +Love is more sanctifying than the fire of Purgatory. I know that +Jesus could not wish useless suffering for us, and He would not +inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfill +them. +______________________________ + +[1] Psalm 102[103]:14. + +[2] Phil. 4:7. + +[3] This letter, the style of which may seem strange to English +ears, is modelled closely on the formal and quaint letters whereby +French parents of the better class announce to their friends the +marriage of their children. Such letters of _"faire-part"_ are +issued in the name of relatives to the third or fourth degree. +[Ed.] + +[4] Thérèse had kept this wish hidden in her heart from the days +of her childhood, and later in life she made the following +confidence: "I was ten the day Papa told Céline that she was to +begin painting lessons. I felt quite envious. Then he turned to me +and said: 'Well, little Queen, would you like to learn painting +too?' I was going to say: 'Yes, indeed I should,' when Marie +remarked that I had not the same taste for it as Céline. She +carried her point, and I said nothing, thinking it was a splendid +opportunity to make a big sacrifice for Our Lord; I was so anxious +to learn, that even now I wonder how I was able to keep silence." + +[5] Eccl. 2:11. + +[6] Céline entered the Convent on September 14, 1894, and took the +name of Sister Genevieve of St. Teresa. + +[7] Spiritual Canticle: Stanzas 18 and 20. + +[8] Hymn to the Deity. + +[9] Luke 17:21. + +[10] Revelation of Our Lord to Bd. Margaret Mary. + +[11] Cant. 8:7. + +[12] Psalm 103[104]:1. + +[13] Luke 15:31. + +[14] Cf. Psalm 35[36]:6. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER IX +THE NIGHT OF THE SOUL + +Dear Mother, I thought I had written enough, and now you wish for +more details of my religious life. I will not argue, but I cannot +help smiling when I have to tell you things that you know quite as +well as I do. Nevertheless, I will obey. I do not ask what use +this manuscript can be to any one, I assure you that even were you +to burn it before my eyes, without having read it, I should not +mind in the least. + +The opinion is not uncommon in the Community that you have always +indulged me, ever since I entered the Convent; however, "Man seeth +those things that appear, but the Lord beholdeth the heart."[1] +Dear Mother, once again I thank you for not having spared me. +Jesus knew well that His Little Flower needed the life-giving +water of humiliation--it was too weak to take root otherwise, and +to you it owes so great a blessing. But for some months, the +Divine Master has entirely changed His method of cultivating His +Little Flower. Finding no doubt that it has been sufficiently +watered, He now allows it to expand under the warm rays of a +brilliant sun. He smiles on it, and this favour also comes through +you, dear Mother, but far from doing it harm, those smiles make +the Little Flower grow in a wondrous way. Deep down in its heart +it treasures those precious drops of dew--the mortifications of +other days--and they remind it that it is small and frail. Even +were all creatures to draw near to admire and flatter it, that +would not add a shade of idle satisfaction to the true joy which +thrills it, on realising that in God's Eyes it is but a poor, +worthless thing, and nothing more. + +When I say that I am indifferent to praise, I am not speaking, +dear Mother, of the love and confidence you show me; on the +contrary I am deeply touched thereby, but I feel that I have now +nothing to fear, and I can listen to those praises unperturbed, +attributing to God all that is good in me. If it please Him to +make me appear better than I am, it is nothing to me, He can act +as He will. My God, how many ways dost Thou lead souls! We read of +Saints who left absolutely nothing at their death, not the least +thing by which to remember them, not even a single line of +writing; and there are others like our holy Mother, St. Teresa, +who have enriched the Church with their sublime teaching, and have +not hesitated to reveal "the secrets of the King,"[2] that He may +be better known and better loved. + +Which of these two ways is more pleasing to Our Lord? It seems to +me that they are equally so. + +All those beloved by God have followed the inspiration of the Holy +Ghost, who commanded the prophets to write: "Tell the just man +that all is well."[3] Yes, all is well when one seeks only the +Master's Will, and so I, poor Little Flower, obey my Jesus when I +try to please you, who represent him here on earth. + +You know it has ever been my desire to become a Saint, but I have +always felt, in comparing myself with the Saints, that I am as far +removed from them as the grain of sand, which the passer-by +tramples underfoot, is remote from the mountain whose summit is +lost in the clouds. + +Instead of being discouraged, I concluded that God would not +inspire desires which could not be realised, and that I may aspire +to sanctity in spite of my littleness. For me to become great is +impossible. I must bear with myself and my many imperfections; but +I will seek out a means of getting to Heaven by a little way--very +short and very straight, a little way that is wholly new. We live +in an age of inventions; nowadays the rich need not trouble to +climb the stairs, they have lifts instead. Well, I mean to try and +find a lift by which I may be raised unto God, for I am too tiny +to climb the steep stairway of perfection. I have sought to find +in Holy Scripture some suggestion as to what this lift might be +which I so much desired, and I read these words uttered by the +Eternal Wisdom Itself: "Whosoever is a little one, let him come to +Me."[4] Then I drew near to God, feeling sure that I had +discovered what I sought; but wishing to know further what He +would do to the little one, I continued my search and this is what +I found: "You shall be carried at the breasts and upon the knees; +as one whom the mother caresseth, so will I comfort you."[5] + +Never have I been consoled by words more tender and sweet. Thine +Arms, then, O Jesus, are the lift which must raise me up even unto +Heaven. To get there I need not grow; on the contrary, I must +remain little, I must become still less. O my God, thou hast gone +beyond my expectation, and I . . . "I will sing Thy mercies! Thou +hast taught me, O Lord, from my youth and till now I have declared +Thy wonderful works, and thus unto old age and grey hairs."[6] + +What will this old age be for me? It seems to me that it could as +well be now as later: two thousand years are no more in the Eyes +of the Lord than twenty years . . . than a single day! But do not +think, dear Mother, that your child is anxious to leave you, and +deems it a greater grace to die in the morning rather than in the +evening of life; to please Jesus is what [s]he really values and +desires above all things. Now that He seems to come near and draw +her to His Heavenly Home, she is glad; she has understood that God +has need of no one to do good upon earth, still less of her than +of others. Meantime I know your will, dear Mother. You wish me to +carry out, at your side, a work which is both sweet and easy,[7] +and this work I shall complete in Heaven. You have said to me, as +Our Lord said to St. Peter: "Feed my lambs." I am amazed, for I +feel that I am so little. I have entreated you to feed your little +lambs yourself and to keep me among them. You have complied in +part with my reasonable wish, and have called me their companion, +rather than their mistress, telling me nevertheless to lead them +through fertile and shady pastures, to point out where the grass +is sweetest and best, and warn them against the brilliant but +poisonous flowers, which they must never touch except to crush +under foot. + +How is it, dear Mother, that my youth and inexperience have not +frightened you? Are you not afraid that I shall let your lambs +stray afar? In acting as you have done, perhaps you remembered +that Our Lord is often pleased to give wisdom to little ones. + +On this earth it is rare indeed to find souls who do not measure +God's Omnipotence by their own narrow thoughts. The world is +always ready to admit exceptions everywhere here below. God alone +is denied this liberty. It has long been the custom among men to +reckon experience by age, for in his youth the holy King David +sang to His Lord: "I am young and despised,"[8] but in the same +Psalm he does not fear to say: "I have had understanding above old +men, because I have sought Thy commandments, Thy word is a lamp to +my feet, and a light to my paths; I have sworn, and I am +determined, to keep the judgments of Thy Justice."[9] + +And you did not even consider it imprudent to assure me one day, +that the Divine Master had enlightened my soul and given me the +experience of years. I am too little now to be guilty of vanity; I +am likewise too little to endeavour to prove my humility by +fine-sounding words. I prefer to own in all simplicity that "He +that is mighty hath done great things to me"--[10] and the +greatest is that He has shown me my littleness and how incapable I +am of anything good. + +My soul has known trials of many kinds. I have suffered much on +this earth. In my childhood I suffered with sadness, but now I +find sweetness in all things. Anyone but you, dear Mother, who +know me thoroughly, would smile at reading these pages, for has +ever a soul seemed less tried than mine? But if the martyrdom +which I have endured for the past year were made known, how +astonished everyone would be! Since it is your wish I will try to +describe it, but there are no words really to explain these +things. The words will always fall short of the reality. + +During Lent last year I felt much better than ever and continued +so until Holy Week, in spite of the fast which I observed in all +its rigour. But in the early hours of Good Friday, Jesus gave me +to hope that I should soon join Him in His beautiful Home. How +sweet is this memory! + +I could not obtain permission to remain watching at the Altar of +Repose throughout the Thursday night, and I returned to our cell +at midnight. Scarcely was my head laid on the pillow when I felt a +hot stream rise to my lips. I thought I was going to die, and my +heart nearly broke with joy. But as I had already put out our +lamp, I mortified my curiosity until the morning and slept in +peace. At five o'clock, when it was time to get up, I remembered +at once that I had some good news to learn, and going to the +window I found, as I had expected, that our handkerchief was +soaked with blood. Dearest Mother, what hope was mine! I was +firmly convinced that on this anniversary of His Death, my Beloved +had allowed me to hear His first call, like a sweet, distant +murmur, heralding His joyful approach. + +I assisted at Prime and Chapter most fervently, and then I +hastened to cast myself at my Mother's knees and confide to her my +happiness. I did not feel the least pain, so I easily obtained +permission to finish Lent as I had begun, and on this Good Friday +I shared in all the austerities of the Carmel without any +relaxation. Never had these austerities seemed sweeter to me; the +hope of soon entering Heaven transported me with joy. + +Still full of joy, I returned to our cell on the evening of that +happy day, and was quietly falling asleep, when my sweet Jesus +gave me the same sign as on the previous night, of my speedy +entrance to Eternal Life. I felt such a clear and lively Faith +that the thought of Heaven was my sole delight. I could not +believe it possible for men to be utterly devoid of Faith, and I +was convinced that those who deny the existence of another world +really lie in their hearts. + +But during the Paschal days, so full of light, our Lord made me +understand that there really are in truth souls bereft of Faith +and Hope, who, through abuse of grace, lose these precious +treasures, the only source of pure and lasting joy. He allowed my +soul to be overwhelmed with darkness, and the thought of Heaven, +which had consoled me from my earliest childhood, now became a +subject of conflict and torture. This trial did not last merely +for days or weeks; I have been suffering for months, and I still +await deliverance. I wish I could express what I feel, but it is +beyond me. One must have passed through this dark tunnel to +understand its blackness. However, I will try to explain it by +means of a comparison. + +Let me suppose that I had been born in a land of thick fogs, and +had never seen the beauties of nature, or a single ray of +sunshine, although I had heard of these wonders from my early +youth, and knew that the country wherein I dwelt was not my real +home--there was another land, unto which I should always look +forward. Now this is not a fable, invented by an inhabitant of the +land of fogs, it is the solemn truth, for the King of that sunlit +country dwelt for three and thirty years in the land of darkness, +and alas!--the darkness did not understand that He was the Light +of the World._[11] + +But, dear Lord, Thy child has understood Thou art the Light +Divine; she asks Thy pardon for her unbelieving brethren, and is +willing to eat the bread of sorrow as long as Thou mayest wish. +For love of Thee she will sit at that table of bitterness where +these poor sinners take their food, and she will not stir from it +until Thou givest the sign. But may she not say in her own name, +and the name of her guilty brethren: "O God, be merciful to us +sinners!"[12] Send us away justified. May all those on whom Faith +does not shine see the light at last! O my God, if that table +which they profane can be purified by one that loves Thee, I am +willing to remain there alone to eat the bread of tears, until it +shall please Thee to bring me to Thy Kingdom of Light: the only +favour I ask is, that I may never give Thee cause for offence. + +From the time of my childhood I felt that one day I should be set +free from this land of darkness. I believed it, not only because I +had been told so by others, but my heart's most secret and deepest +longings assured me that there was in store for me another and +more beautiful country--an abiding dwelling-place. I was like +Christopher Columbus, whose genius anticipated the discovery of +the New World. And suddenly the mists about me have penetrated my +very soul and have enveloped me so completely that I cannot even +picture to myself this promised country . . . all has faded away. +When my heart, weary of the surrounding darkness, tries to find +some rest in the thought of a life to come, my anguish increases. +It seems to me that out of the darkness I hear the mocking voice +of the unbeliever: "You dream of a land of light and fragrance, +you dream that the Creator of these wonders will be yours for +ever, you think one day to escape from these mists where you now +languish. Nay, rejoice in death, which will give you, not what you +hope for, but a night darker still, the night of utter +nothingness!" . . . + +Dear Mother, this description of what I suffer is as far removed +from reality as the first rough outline is from the model, but I +fear that to write more were to blaspheme . . . even now I may +have said too much. May God forgive me! He knows that I try to +live by Faith, though it does not afford me the least consolation. +I have made more acts of Faith in this last year than during all +the rest of my life. + +Each time that my enemy would provoke me to combat, I behave as a +gallant soldier. I know that a duel is an act of cowardice, and +so, without once looking him in the face, I turn my back on the +foe, then I hasten to my Saviour, and vow that I am ready to shed +my blood in witness of my belief in Heaven. I tell him, if only He +will deign to open it to poor unbelievers, I am content to +sacrifice all pleasure in the thought of it as long as I live. And +in spite of this trial, which robs me of all comfort, I still can +say: "Thou hast given me, O Lord, delight in all Thou dost."[13] +For what joy can be greater than to suffer for Thy Love? The more +the suffering is and the less it appears before men, the more is +it to Thy Honour and Glory. Even if--but I know it to be +impossible--Thou shouldst not deign to heed my sufferings, I +should still be happy to bear them, in the hope that by my tears I +might perhaps prevent or atone for one sin against Faith. + +No doubt, dear Mother, you will think I exaggerate somewhat _the +night of my soul._ If you judge by the poems I have composed this +year, it must seem as though I have been flooded with +consolations, like a child for whom the veil of Faith is almost +rent asunder. And yet it is not a veil--it is a wall which rises +to the very heavens and shuts out the starry sky. + +When I sing of the happiness of Heaven and the eternal possession +of God, I do not feel any joy therein, for I sing only of what I +wish to believe. Sometimes, I confess, a little ray of sunshine +illumines my dark night, and I enjoy peace for an instant, but +later, the remembrance of this ray of light, instead of consoling +me, makes the blackness thicker still. + +And yet never have I felt so deeply how sweet and merciful is the +Lord. He did not send me this heavy cross when it might have +discouraged me, but at a time when I was able to bear it. Now it +simply takes from me all natural satisfaction I might feel in my +longing for Heaven. + +Dear Mother, it seems to me that at present there is nothing to +impede my upward flight, for I have no longer any desire save to +love Him till I die. I am free; I fear nothing now, not even what +I dreaded more than anything else, a long illness which would make +me a burden to the Community. Should it please the Good God, I am +quite content to have my bodily and mental sufferings prolonged +for years. I do not fear a long life; I do not shrink from the +struggle. The Lord is the rock upon which I stand--"Who teacheth +my hands to fight, and my fingers to war. He is my Protector and I +have hoped in Him."[14] I have never asked God to let me die +young, It is true I have always thought I should do so, but it is +a favour I have not tried to obtain. + +Our Lord is often content with the wish to do something for His +Glory, and you know the immensity of my desires. You know also +that Jesus has offered me more than one bitter chalice through my +dearly loved sisters. The holy King David was right when he sang: +"Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell +together in unity."[15] But such unity can only exist upon earth +in the midst of sacrifice. It was not in order to be with my +sisters that I came to this holy Carmel; on the contrary, I knew +well that in curbing my natural affection I should have much to +suffer. + +How can it be said that it is more perfect to separate oneself +from home and friends? Has anyone ever reproached brothers who +fight side by side, or together win the martyr's palm? It is true, +no doubt, they encourage each other; but it is also true that the +martyrdom of each is a martyrdom to them all. + +And so it is in the religious life; theologians call it a +martyrdom. A heart given to God loses nothing of its natural +affection--on the contrary, this affection grows stronger by +becoming purer and more spiritual. It is with this love, dear +Mother, that I love you and my sisters. I am glad to fight beside +you for the glory of the King of Heaven, but I am ready to go to +another battlefield, did the Divine Commander but express a wish. +An order would not be necessary: a simple look, a sign, would +suffice. + +Ever since I came to the Carmel I have thought that if Our Lord +did not take me quickly to Heaven, my lot would be that of Noe's +dove, and that one day he would open the window of the Ark and bid +me fly to heathen lands, bearing the olive branch. This thought +has helped me to soar above all created things. + +Knowing that even in the Carmel there must be partings, I tried to +make my abode in Heaven; and I accepted not only exile in the +midst of an unknown people, but what was far more bitter, I +accepted exile for my sisters. And indeed, two of them were asked +for by the Carmel of Saïgon, our own foundation. For a time there +was serious question of their being sent, and I would not say a +word to hold them back, though my heart ached at the thought of +the trials awaiting them. Now all that is at an end; the superiors +were absolutely opposed to their departure, and I only touched the +cup with my lips long enough to taste of its bitterness. + +Let me tell you, dear Mother, why, if Our Lady cures me, I wish to +respond to the call from our Mothers of Hanoï. It appears that to +live in foreign Carmels, a very special vocation is needed, and +many souls think they are called without being so in reality. You +have told me that I have this vocation, and that my health alone +stands in the way. But if I am destined one day to leave this +Carmel, it will not be without a pang. My heart is naturally +sensitive, and because this is a cause of much suffering, I wish +to offer Jesus whatsoever it can bear. Here, I am loved by you and +all the Sisters, and this love is very sweet to me, and I dream of +a convent where I should be unknown, where I should taste the +bitterness of exile. I know only too well how useless I am, and so +it is not for the sake of the services I might render to the +Carmel of Hanoï that I would leave all that is dearest to me--my +sole reason would be to do God's Will, and sacrifice myself for +Him. + +And I should not suffer any disappointment, for when we expect +nothing but suffering, then the least joy is a surprise; and later +on suffering itself becomes the greatest of all joys, when we seek +it as a precious treasure. + +But I know I shall never recover from this sickness, and yet I am +at peace. For years I have not belonged to myself, I have +surrendered myself wholly to Jesus, and He is free to do with me +whatsoever He pleases. He has spoken to me of exile, and has asked +me if I would consent to drink of that chalice. At once I essayed +to grasp it, but He, withdrawing His Hand, showed me that my +consent was all He desired. + +O my God! from how much disquiet do we free ourselves by the vow +of obedience! Happy is the simple religious. Her one guide being +the will of her superiors, she is ever sure of following the right +path, and has no fear of being mistaken, even when it seems that +her superiors are making a mistake. But if she ceases to consult +the unerring compass, then at once her soul goes astray in barren +wastes, where the waters of grace quickly fail. Dear Mother, you +are the compass Jesus has given me to direct me safely to the +Eternal Shore. I find it most sweet to fix my eyes upon you, and +then do the Will of my Lord. By allowing me to suffer these +temptations against Faith, He has greatly increased the spirit of +Faith, which makes me see Him living in your soul, and through you +communicating His holy commands. + +I am well aware that you lighten the burden of obedience for me, +but deep in my heart I feel that my attitude would not change, nor +would my filial affection grow less, were you to treat me with +severity: and this because I should still see the Will of God +manifesting itself in another way for the greater good of my soul. + +Among the numberless graces that I have received this year, not +the least is an understanding of how far-reaching is the precept +of charity. I had never before fathomed these words of Our Lord: +"The second commandment is like to the first: Thou shalt love thy +neighbour as thyself."[16] I had set myself above all to love God, +and it was in loving Him that I discovered the hidden meaning of +these other words: "It is not those who say, Lord, Lord! who enter +into the Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the Will of My +Father."[17] + +Jesus revealed me this Will when at the Last Supper He gave His +New Commandment in telling His Apostles to _love one another as He +had loved them._[18] I set myself to find out how He had loved His +Apostles; and I saw that it was not for their natural qualities, +for they were ignorant men, full of earthly ideas. And yet He +calls them His Friends, His Brethren; He desires to see them near +Him in the Kingdom of His Father, and in order to admit them to +this Kingdom He wills to die on the Cross, saying: "Greater love +than this no man hath, that a man lay down his life for his +friends."[19] + +As I meditated on these Divine words, I saw how imperfect was the +love I bore my Sisters in religion. I understood that I did not +love them as Our Lord loves them. I know now that true charity +consists in bearing all our neighbours' defects--not being +surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest +virtues. Above all I know that charity must not remain shut up in +the heart, for "No man lighteth a candle, and putteth it in a +hidden place, nor under a bushel; but upon a candlestick, that +they who come in may see the light."[20] + +It seems to me, dear Mother, this candle represents that charity +which enlightens and gladdens, not only those who are dear to us, +but all _those who are of the household._ + +In the Old Law, when God told His people to love their neighbour +as themselves, He had not yet come down upon earth; and knowing +full well how man loves himself, He could not ask anything +greater. But when Our Lord gave His Apostles a New +Commandment--"His own commandment"[21]--He was not content with +saying: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself," but would have +them love even as He had loved, and as He will love till the end +of time. + +O my Jesus! Thou does never ask what is impossible; Thou knowest +better than I, how frail and imperfect I am, and Thou knowest that +I shall never love my Sisters as Thou hast loved them, unless +within me Thou lovest them, dear Lord! It is because Thou dost +desire to grant me this grace that Thou hast given a New +Commandment. Oh how I love it, since I am assured thereby that it +is Thy Will to love in me all those Thou dost bid me love! + +Yes, I know when I show charity to others, it is simply Jesus +acting in me, and the more closely I am united to Him, the more +dearly I love my Sisters. If I wish to increase this love in my +heart, and the devil tries to bring before me the defects of a +Sister, I hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives; I call +to mind that though I may have seen her fall once, no doubt she +has gained many victories over herself, which in her humility she +conceals. It is even possible that what seems to me a fault, may +very likely, on account of her good intention, be an act of +virtue. I have no difficulty in persuading myself of this, because +I have had the same experience. One day, during recreation, the +portress came to ask for a Sister to help her. I had a childish +longing to do this work, and it happened the choice fell upon me. +I therefore began to fold up our needlework, but so slowly that my +neighbour, who I knew would like to take my place, was ready +before me. The Sister who had asked for help, seeing how +deliberate I was, said laughingly: "I thought you would not add +this pearl to your crown, you are so extremely slow," and all the +Community thought I had yielded to natural reluctance. I cannot +tell you what profit I derived from this incident, and it made me +indulgent towards others. It still checks any feelings of vanity, +when I am praised, for I reflect that since my small acts of +virtue can be mistaken for imperfections, why should not my +imperfections be mistaken for virtue? And I say with St. Paul: "To +me it is a very small thing to be judged by you, or by man's day. +But neither do I judge myself. He that judgeth me is the Lord."[22] + +And it is the Lord, it is Jesus, Who is my judge. Therefore I will +try always to think leniently of others, that He may judge me +leniently, or rather not at all, since He says: "Judge not, and ye +shall not be judged."[23] + +But returning to the Holy Gospel where Our Lord explains to me +clearly in what His New Commandment consists, I read in St. +Matthew: "You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love +thy neighbour, and hate thy enemy: but I say unto you, Love your +enemies, and pray for them that persecute you."[24] + +There are, of course, no enemies in the Carmel; but, after all, we +have our natural likes and dislikes. We may feel drawn towards one +Sister, and may be tempted to go a long way round to avoid meeting +another. Well, Our Lord tells me that this is the Sister to love +and pray for, even though her behaviour may make me imagine she +does not care for me. "If you love them that love you, what thanks +are to you? For sinners also love those that love them."[25] And +it is not enough to love, we must prove our love; naturally one +likes to please a friend, but that is not charity, for sinners do +the same. + +Our Lord also taught me: "Give to everyone that asketh thee; and +of him that taketh away thy goods, ask them not again."[26] To +give to everyone who asks is not so pleasant as to give of one's +own accord. If we are asked pleasantly, it is easy to give; but if +we are asked discourteously, then, unless we are perfect in +charity, there is an inward rebellion, and we find no end of +excuses for refusing. Perhaps, after first pointing out the +rudeness of the request, we make such a favour of consenting +thereto, that the slight service takes far less time to perform +than was lost in arguing the point. And if it is difficult to give +to whosoever asks, it is far more difficult to let what belongs to +us be taken without asking it again. Dear Mother, I say this is +hard, but I should rather say that it seems hard, for "The yoke of +the Lord is sweet and His burden light."[27] And when we submit to +that yoke, we at once feel its sweetness. + +I have said Jesus does not wish me to ask again for what is my +own. This ought to seem quite easy, for, in reality, nothing is +mine. I ought, then, to be glad when an occasion arises which +brings home to me the poverty to which I am vowed. I used to think +myself completely detached, but since Our Lord's words have become +clear, I see that I am indeed very imperfect. + +For instance: when starting to paint, if I find the brushes in +disorder, and a ruler or penknife gone, I feel inclined to lose +patience, and have to keep a firm hold over myself not to betray +my feelings. Of course I may ask for these needful things, and if +I do so humbly I am not disobeying Our Lord's command. I am then +like the poor who hold out their hands for the necessaries of +life, and, if refused, are not surprised, since no one owes them +anything. Deep peace inundates the soul when it soars above mere +natural sentiments. There is no joy equal to that which is shared +by the truly poor in spirit. If they ask with detachment for +something necessary, and not only is it refused, but an attempt is +made to take away what they already possess, they are following +the Master's advice: "If any man will take away thy coat, let him +have thy cloak also."[28] To give up one's cloak is, it seems to +me, to renounce every right, and to regard oneself as the servant, +the slave, of all. Without a cloak it is easier to walk or run, +and so the Master adds: "And whosoever shall force thee to go one +mile, go with him other two."[29] + +It is therefore not enough for me to give to whoever asks--I ought +to anticipate the wish, and show myself glad to be of service; but +if anything of mine be taken away, I should show myself glad to be +rid of it. I cannot always carry out to the letter the words of +the Gospel, for there are occasions when I am compelled to refuse +some request. Yet when charity is deeply rooted in the soul it +lets itself be outwardly seen, and there is a way of refusing so +graciously what one is unable to give, that the refusal affords as +much pleasure as the gift would have done. It is true that people +do not hesitate to ask from those who readily oblige, nevertheless +I ought not to avoid importunate Sisters on the pretext that I +shall be forced to refuse. The Divine Master has said: "From him +that would borrow of thee turn not away."[30] Nor should I be kind +in order to appear so, or in the hope that the Sister will return +the service, for once more it is written: "If you lend to them of +whom you hope to receive, what thanks are to you? For sinners also +lend to sinners for to receive as much. But you do good and lend, +hoping for nothing thereby, and your reward shall be great."[31] + +Verily, the reward is great even on earth. In this path it is only +the first step which costs. To lend without hope of being repaid +seems hard; one would rather give outright, for what you give is +no longer yours. When a Sister says confidently: "I want your help +for some hours--I have our Mother's leave, and be assured I will +do as much for you later," one may know well that these hours +_lent_ will not be repaid, and be sorely tempted to say: "I prefer +to _give_ them." But that would gratify self-love, besides letting +the Sister feel that you do not rely much on her promise. The +Divine precepts run contrary to our natural inclinations, and +without the help of grace it would be impossible to understand +them, far less to put them in practice. + +Dear Mother, I feel that I have expressed myself with more than +usual confusion, and I do not know what you can find to interest +you in these rambling pages, but I am not aiming at a literary +masterpiece, and if I weary you by this discourse on charity, it +will at least prove your child's good will. I must confess I am +far from living up to my ideal, and yet the very desire to do so +gives me a feeling of peace. If I fall into some fault, I arise +again at once--and for some months now I have not even had to +struggle. I have been able to say with our holy Father, St. John +of the Cross: "My house is entirely at peace," and I attribute +this interior peace to a victory I gained over myself. Since that +victory, the hosts of Heaven have hastened to my aid, for they +will not allow me to be wounded, now that I have fought so +valiantly. + +A holy nun of our community annoyed me in all that she did; the +devil must have had something to do with it, and he it was +undoubtedly who made me see in her so many disagreeable points. I +did not want to yield to my natural antipathy, for I remembered +that charity ought to betray itself in deeds, and not exist merely +in the feelings, so I set myself to do for this sister all I +should do for the one I loved most. Every time I met her I prayed +for her, and offered to God her virtues and merits. I felt that +this was very pleasing to Our Lord, for there is no artist who is +not gratified when his works are praised, and the Divine Artist of +souls is pleased when we do not stop at the exterior, but, +penetrating to the inner sanctuary He has chosen, admire its +beauty. + +I did not rest satisfied with praying for this Sister, who gave me +such occasions for self-mastery, I tried to render her as many +services as I could, and when tempted to answer her sharply, I +made haste to smile and change the subject, for the _Imitation_ +says: "It is more profitable to leave everyone to his way of +thinking than to give way to contentious discourses." And +sometimes when the temptation was very severe, I would run like a +deserter from the battlefield if I could do so without letting the +Sister guess my inward struggle. + +One day she said to me with a beaming face: "My dear Soeur +Thérèse, tell me what attraction you find in me, for whenever we +meet, you greet me with such a sweet smile." Ah! What attracted me +was Jesus hidden in the depths of her soul--Jesus who maketh sweet +even that which is most bitter. + +I spoke just now, dear Mother, of the flight that is my last +resource to escape defeat. It is not honourable, I confess, but +during my noviciate, whenever I had recourse to this means, it +invariably succeeded. I will give you a striking example, which +will, I am sure, amuse you. You had been ill with bronchitis for +several days, and we were all uneasy about you. One morning, in my +duty as sacristan, I came to put back the keys of the +Communion-grating. This was my work, and I was very pleased to +have an opportunity of seeing you, though I took good care not to +show it. One of the Sisters, full of solicitude, feared I should +awake you, and tried to take the keys from me. I told her as +politely as I could, that I was quite as anxious as she was there +should be no noise, and added that it was my right to return them. +I see now that it would have been more perfect simply to yield, +but I did not see it then, and so I followed her into the room. +Very soon what she feared came to pass: the noise did awaken you. +All the blame fell upon me; the Sister I had argued with began a +long discourse, of which the point was: Soeur Thérèse made all the +noise. I was burning to defend myself, but a happy inspiration of +grace came to me. I thought that if I began to justify myself I +should certainly lose my peace of mind, and as I had too little +virtue to let myself be unjustly accused without answering, my +last chance of safety lay in flight. No sooner thought than done. +I hurried away, but my heart beat so violently, I could not go +far, and I was obliged to sit down on the stairs to enjoy in quiet +the fruit of my victory. This is an odd kind of courage, +undoubtedly, but I think it is best not to expose oneself in the +face of certain defeat. + +When I recall these days of my noviciate I understand how far I +was from perfection, and the memory of certain things makes me +laugh. How good God has been, to have trained my soul and given it +wings All the snares of the hunter can no longer frighten me, for +"A net is spread in vain before the eyes of them that have +wings."[32] + +It may be that some day my present state will appear to me full of +defects, but nothing now surprises me, and I do not even distress +myself because I am so weak. On the contrary I glory therein, and +expect each day to find fresh imperfections. Nay, I must confess, +these lights on my own nothingness are of more good to my soul +than lights on matters of Faith. Remembering that "Charity +covereth a multitude of sins,"[33] I draw from this rich mine, +which Our Saviour has opened to us in the Gospels. I search the +depths of His adorable words, and cry out with David: "I have run +in the way of Thy commandments since Thou hast enlarged my +heart."[34] And charity alone can make wide the heart. O Jesus! +Since its sweet flame consumes my heart, I run with delight in the +way of Thy New Commandment, and I desire to run therein until that +blessed day when, with Thy company of Virgins, I shall follow Thee +through Thy boundless Realm, singing Thy New Canticle--The +Canticle of Love. +______________________________ + +[1] 1 Kings 16:7. + +[2] Tobias 12:7. + +[3] Cf. Isaias 3:10. + +[4] Prov. 9:4. + +[5] Isa. 66:12, 13. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 70[71]:17, 18. + +[7] Soeur Thérèse had charge of the novices without being given +the title of Novice Mistress. + +[8] Ps. 118[119]:141. + +[9] Ps. 118[119]:100, 105, 106. + +[10] Luke 1:49. + +[11] Cf. John 1:5. + +[12] Cf. Luke 18:13. + +[13] Ps. 91[92]:5. + +[14] Ps. 143[144]:1, 2. + +[15] Ps. 132[133]:1. + +[16] Matt. 22:39. + +[17] Cf. Matt. 7:21. + +[18] Cf. John 13:34. + +[19] John 15:12. + +[20] Luke 11:33. + +[21] John 15:12. + +[22] 1 Cor. 4:3,4. + +[23] Luke 6:37. + +[24] Matt. 5:43, 44. + +[25] Luke 6:32. + +[26] Luke 6:30. + +[27] Matt. 11:30. + +[28] Matt. 5:40. + +[29] Matt. 5:41. + +[30] Matt. 5:42. + +[31] Luke 6:34, 35. + +[32] Prov. 1:27. + +[33] Prov. 10:12. + +[34] Ps. 118[119]:32. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER X +THE NEW COMMANDMENT + +Dear Mother, God in His infinite goodness has given me a clear +insight into the deep mysteries of Charity. If I could but express +what I know, you would hear a heavenly music; but alas! I can only +stammer like a child, and if God's own words were not my support, +I should be tempted to beg leave to hold my peace. When the Divine +Master tells me to give to whosoever asks of me, and to let what +is mine be taken without asking it again, it seems to me that He +speaks not only of the goods of earth, but also of the goods of +Heaven. Besides, neither one nor the other are really mine; I +renounced the former by the vow of poverty, and the latter gifts +are simply lent. If God withdraw them, I have no right to complain. + +But our very own ideas, the fruit of our mind and heart, form a +treasury on which none dare lay hands. For instance, if I reveal +to a Sister some light given me in prayer, and she repeats it +later on as though it were her own, it seems as though she +appropriates what is mine. Or, if during recreation someone makes +an apt and witty remark, which her neighbour repeats to the +Community, without acknowledging whence it came, it is a sort of +theft; and the person who originated the remark is naturally +inclined to seize the first opportunity of delicately insinuating +that her thoughts have been borrowed. + +I could not so well explain all these weaknesses of human nature +had I not experienced them. I should have preferred to indulge in +the illusion that I was the only one who suffered thus, had you +not bidden me advise the novices in their difficulties. I have +learnt much in the discharge of this duty, and especially I feel +bound to put in practice what I teach. + +I can say with truth that by God's grace I am no more attached to +the gifts of the intellect than to material things. If it happens +that a thought of mine should please my Sisters, I find it quite +easy to let them regard it as their own. My thoughts belong to the +Holy Ghost. They are not mine. St. Paul assures us that _without +the Spirit of Love, we cannot call God our Father._[1] + +And besides, though far from depreciating those beautiful thoughts +which bring us nearer to God, I have long been of opinion that we +must be careful not to over-estimate their worth. The highest +inspirations are of no value without good works. It is true that +others may derive much profit therefrom, if they are duly grateful +to our Lord for allowing them to share in the abundance of one of +His privileged souls; but should this privileged soul take pride +in spiritual wealth, and imitate the Pharisee, she becomes like to +a hostess dying of starvation at a well-spread table, while her +guests enjoy the richest fare, and perhaps cast envious glances at +the possessor of so many treasures. + +Verily it is true that God alone can sound the heart. How +short-sighted are His creatures! When they see a soul whose lights +surpass their own, they conclude that the Divine Master loves them +less. Since when has He lost the right to make use of one of His +children, in order to supply the others with the nourishment they +need? That right was not lost in the days of Pharaoh, for God said +unto him: "And therefore have I raised thee, that I may show My +power in thee, and My name may be spoken of throughout all the +earth."[2] + +Generations have passed away since the Most High spoke these +words, and His ways have not changed. He has ever chosen human +instruments for the accomplishment of His work. + +If an artist's canvas could but think and speak, surely it would +never complain of being touched and re-touched by the brush, nor +would it feel envious thereof, knowing that all its beauty is due +to the artist alone. So, too, the brush itself could not boast of +the masterpiece it had helped to produce, for it must know that an +artist is never at a loss; that difficulties do but stimulate him; +and that at times it pleases him to make use of instruments the +most unlikely and defective. + +Dear Mother, I am the little brush that Jesus has chosen to paint +His likeness in the souls you have confided to my care. Now an +artist has several brushes--two at the least: the first, which is +more useful, gives the ground tints and rapidly covers the whole +canvas; the other, and smaller one, puts in the lesser touches. +Mother, you represent the big brush which our Lord holds lovingly +in His Hand when He wishes to do some great work in the souls of +your children; and I am the little one He deigns to use +afterwards, to fill in the minor details. + +The first time the Divine Master took up His little brush was +about December 8, 1892. I shall always remember that time as one +of special grace. + +When I entered the Carmel, I found in the noviciate a companion +about eight years older than I was. In spite of this difference of +age, we became the closest friends, and to encourage an affection +which gave promise of fostering virtue we were allowed to converse +together on spiritual subjects. My companion charmed me by her +innocence and by her open and frank disposition, though I was +surprised to find how her love for you differed from mine; and +besides, I regretted many things in her behaviour. But God had +already given me to understand that there are souls for whom in +His Mercy He waits unweariedly, and to whom He gives His light by +degrees; so I was very careful not to forestall Him. + +One day when I was thinking over the permission we had to talk +together, so that we might--as our holy constitutions tells +us--incite ourselves more ardently to the love of our Divine +Spouse, it came home to me sadly that our conversations did not +attain the desired end; and I understood that either I must no +longer fear to speak out, or else I must put an end to what was +degenerating into mere worldly talk. I begged our Lord to inspire +me with words, kind and convincing; or better still, to speak +Himself for me. He heard my prayer, for those _who look upon Him +shall be enlightened,_[3] and "to the upright a light is risen in +the darkness."[4] The first of these texts I apply to myself, the +other to my companion, who was truly upright in heart. + +The next time we met, the poor little Sister saw at once that my +manner had changed, and, blushing deeply, she sat down beside me. +I pressed her to my heart, and told her gently what was in my +mind; then I pointed out to her in what true love consists, and +proved that in loving her Prioress with such natural affection she +was in reality loving herself. I confided to her the sacrifices of +this kind which I had been obliged to make at the beginning of my +religious life, and before long her tears were mingled with mine. +She admitted very humbly that she was in the wrong and that I was +right, and, begging me as a favour always to point out her faults, +she promised to begin a new life. From this time our love for one +another became truly spiritual; in us were fulfilled these words +of the Holy Ghost: "A brother that is helped by his brother is +like a strong city."[5] + +Dear Mother, you know very well that it was not my wish to turn my +companion away from you, I only wanted her to grasp that true love +feeds on sacrifice, and that in proportion as our souls renounce +natural enjoyments our affections become stronger and more +detached. + +I remember that when I was a postulant I was sometimes so +violently tempted to seek my own satisfaction by having a word +with you, that I was obliged to hurry past your cell and hold on +to the banisters to keep myself from turning back. Numerous +permissions I wanted to ask, and a hundred pretexts for yielding +to my desires suggested themselves, but now I am truly glad that I +did not listen. I already enjoy the reward promised to those who +fight bravely. I no longer feel the need of refusing myself these +consolations, for my heart is fixed on God. Because it has loved +Him only, it has grown, little by little, and now it can give to +those who are dear to Him a far deeper and truer love than if it +were centred in a barren and selfish affection. + +I have told you of the first piece of work which you accomplished +together with Our Lord by means of the little brush, but that was +only the prelude to the masterpiece which was afterwards to be +painted. From the moment I entered the sanctuary of souls, I saw +at a glance that the task was beyond my strength. Throwing myself +without delay into Our Lord's Arms, I imitated those tiny +children, who, when they are frightened, hide their faces on their +father's shoulder, and I said: + +"Dear Lord, Thou seest that I am too small to feed these little +ones, but if through me Thou wilt give to each what is suitable, +then fill my hands, and without leaving the shelter of Thine Arms, +or even turning away, I will distribute Thy treasures to the souls +who come to me asking for food. Should they find it to their +taste, I shall know that this is due not to me, but to Thee; and +if, on the contrary, they find fault with its bitterness, I shall +not be cast down, but try to persuade them that it cometh from +Thee, while taking good care to make no change in it." + +The knowledge that it was impossible to do anything of myself +rendered my task easier. My one interior occupation was to unite +myself more and more closely to God, knowing that the rest would +be given to me over and above. And indeed my hope has never been +deceived; I have always found my hands filled when sustenance was +needed for the souls of my Sisters. But had I done otherwise, and +relied on my own strength, I should very soon have been forced to +abandon my task. + +From afar it seems so easy to do good to souls, to teach them to +love God more, and to model them according to one's own ideas. +But, when we draw nearer, we quickly feel that without God's help +this is quite as impossible as to bring back the sun when once it +has set. We must forget ourselves, and put aside our tastes and +ideas, and guide souls not by our own way, but along the path +which Our Lord points out. Even this is not the most difficult +part; what costs me more than all is having to observe their +faults, their slightest imperfections, and wage war against them. + +Unhappily for me--I was going to say, but that would be cowardly, +so I will say--happily for my Sisters, ever since I placed myself +in the Arms of Jesus I have been like a watchman on the look-out +for the enemy from the highest turret of a fortified castle. +Nothing escapes my vigilance; indeed, I am sometimes surprised at +my own clear-sightedness, and I think it was quite excusable in +the prophet Jonas to fly before the face of the Lord, that he +might not have to announce the ruin of Ninive. Rather than make +one single reproach, I would prefer to receive a thousand, yet I +feel it is necessary that the task should cause me pain, for if I +spoke only through natural impulse, then the soul in fault would +not understand its defects and would simply think: "This Sister is +displeased, and her displeasure falls on me although I am full of +the best intentions." + +But in this, as in all else, I must practise sacrifice and +self-denial. Even in the matter of writing a letter, I feel that +it will produce no fruit, unless I am disinclined to write, and +only do so from obedience. + +When conversing with a novice I am on the watch to mortify myself, +and I avoid asking questions which would satisfy my curiosity. If +she begins to speak on an interesting subject, and, leaving it +unfinished, passes on to another that wearies me, I take care not +to remind her of the interruption, for it seems to me that no good +can come of self-seeking. + +I know, dear Mother, that your little lambs find me severe; if +they were to read these lines, they would say that, so far as they +can see, it does not distress me to run after them, and show them +how they have soiled their beautiful white fleece, or torn it in +the brambles. Well, the little lambs may say what they like--in +their hearts they know I love them dearly; there is no fear of my +imitating "the hireling . . . who seeth the wolf coming and +leaveth the sheep, and flieth."[6] + +I am ready to lay down my life for them, and my affection is so +disinterested that I would not have my novices know this. By God's +help, I have never tried to draw their hearts to myself, for I +have always understood that my mission was to lead them to Him and +to you, dear Mother, who on this earth hold His place in their +regard, and whom, therefore, they must love and respect. + +I said before, that I have learnt much by guiding others. In the +first place I see that all souls have more or less the same +battles to fight, and on the other hand, that one soul differs +widely from another, so each must be dealt with differently. With +some I must humble myself, and not shrink from acknowledging my +own struggles and defeats; then they confess more readily the +faults into which they fall, and are pleased that I know by +experience what they suffer. With others, my only means of success +is to be firm, and never go back on what I have once said; +self-abasement would be taken for weakness. + +Our Lord has granted me the grace never to fear the conflict; at +all costs I must do my duty. I have more than once been told: "If +you want me to obey, you must be gentle and not severe, otherwise +you will gain nothing." But no one is a good judge in his own +case. During a painful operation a child will be sure to cry out +and say that the remedy is worse than the disease; but if after a +few days he is cured, then he is greatly delighted that he can run +about and play. And it is the same with souls: they soon recognise +that a little bitter is better than too much sweet, and they are +not afraid to make the acknowledgment. Sometimes the change which +takes place from one day to another seems almost magical. + +A novice will say to me: "You did well to be severe yesterday; at +first I was indignant, but when I thought it all over, I saw that +you were quite right. I left your cell thinking: 'This ends it. I +will tell Our Mother that I shall never go to Soeur Thérèse +again'; but I knew this was the devil's suggestion, and then I +felt you were praying for me, and I grew calm. I began to see +things more clearly, and now I come to you for further guidance." + +I am only too happy to follow the dictates of my heart and hasten +to console with a little sweetness, but I see that one must not +press forward too quickly--a word might undo the work that cost so +many tears. If I say the least thing which seems to tone down the +hard truths of the previous day, I see my little Sister trying to +take advantage of the opening thus given her. At once I have +recourse to prayer, I turn to Our Blessed Lady, and Jesus always +triumphs. Verily in prayer and sacrifice lies all my strength, +they are my invincible arms; experience has taught me that they +touch hearts far more easily than words. + +Two years ago, during Lent, a novice came to me smiling, and said: +"You would never imagine what I dreamt last night--I thought I was +with my sister, who is so worldly, and I wanted to withdraw her +from all vain things; to this end I explained the words of your +hymn: + +'They richly lose who love Thee, dearest Lord; Thine are my +perfumes, Thine for evermore.' + +I felt that my words sank deep into her soul, and I was overjoyed. +This morning it seems to me that perhaps Our Lord would like me to +gain Him this soul. How would it do if I wrote at Easter and +described my dream, telling her that Jesus desires to have her for +His Spouse?" I answered that she might certainly ask permission. + +As Lent was not nearly over, you were surprised, dear Mother, at +such a premature request, and, evidently guided by God, you +replied that Carmelites should save souls by prayer rather than by +letters. When I heard your decision I said to the little Sister: +"We must set to work and pray hard; if our prayers are answered at +the end of Lent, what a joy it will be!" O Infinite Mercy of our +Lord! At the close of Lent, one soul more had given herself to +God. It was a real miracle of grace--a miracle obtained through +the fervour of a humble novice. + +How wonderful is the power of prayer! It is like unto a queen, +who, having free access to the king, obtains whatsoever she asks. +In order to secure a hearing there is no need to recite set +prayers composed for the occasion--were it so, I ought indeed to +be pitied! + +Apart from the Divine Office, which in spite of my unworthiness is +a daily joy, I have not the courage to look through books for +beautiful prayers. I only get a headache because of their number, +and besides, one is more lovely than another. Unable therefore to +say them all, and lost in choice, I do as children who have not +learnt to read--I simply tell Our Lord all that I want, and He +always understands. + +With me prayer is an uplifting of the heart; a glance towards +heaven; a cry of gratitude and love, uttered equally in sorrow and +in joy. In a word, it is something noble, supernatural, which +expands my soul and unites it to God. Sometimes when I am in such +a state of spiritual dryness that not a single good thought occurs +to me, I say very slowly the "Our Father" or the "Hail Mary," and +these prayers suffice to take me out of myself, and wonderfully +refresh me. + +But what was I speaking of? Again I am lost in a maze of +reflections. Forgive me, dear Mother, for wandering thus. My story +is like a tangled skein, but I fear I can do no better. I write my +thoughts as they come; I fish at random in the stream of my heart, +and offer you all that I catch. + +I was telling you about the novices. They often say: "You have an +answer for everything. This time I thought I should puzzle you. +Where do you find all that you teach us?" Some are even simple +enough to think I can read their souls, because at times it +happens I discover to them--without revelation--the subject of +their thoughts. The senior novice had determined to hide from me a +great sorrow. She spent the night in anguish, keeping back her +tears lest her eyes might betray her. Yet she came to me with a +smile next day, seeming even more cheerful than usual, and when I +said: "You are in trouble, I am sure," she looked at me in +inexpressible amazement. Her surprise was so great that it reacted +on me, and imparted a sense of the supernatural. I felt that God +was close to us. Unwittingly--for I have not the gift of reading +souls--I had spoken as one inspired, and was able to console her +completely. + +And now, dear Mother, I will tell you wherein I gain most with the +novices. You know they are allowed without restriction to say +anything to me, agreeable or the reverse; this is all the easier +since they do not owe me the respect due to a Novice-Mistress. I +cannot say that Our Lord makes me walk in the way of exterior +humiliation; He is satisfied with humbling me in my inmost soul. +In the eyes of creatures all is success, and I walk in the +dangerous path of honour--if a religious may so speak. I +understand God's way and that of my superiors in this respect; for +if the Community thought me incapable, unintelligent, and wanting +in judgment, I could be of no possible use to you, dear Mother. +This is why the Divine Master has thrown a veil over all my +shortcomings, both interior and exterior. Because of this veil I +receive many compliments from the novices--compliments without +flattery, for they really mean what they say; and they do not +inspire me with vanity, for the remembrance of my weakness is ever +before me. At times my soul tires of this over-sweet food, and I +long to hear something other than praise; then Our Lord serves me +with a nice little salad, well spiced, with plenty of vinegar--oil +alone is wanting, and this it is which makes it more to my taste. +And the salad is offered to me by the novices at the moment I +least expect. God lifts the veil that hides my faults, and my dear +little Sisters, beholding me as I really am, do not find me +altogether agreeable. With charming simplicity, they tell me how I +try them and what they dislike in me; in fact, they are as frank +as though they were speaking of someone else, for they are aware +that I am pleased when they act in this way. + +I am more than pleased--I am transported with delight by this +splendid banquet set before me. How can anything so contrary to +our natural inclinations afford such extraordinary pleasure? Had I +not experienced it, I could not have believed it possible. + +One day, when I was ardently longing for some humiliation, a young +postulant came to me and sated my desire so completely, that I was +reminded of the occasion when Semei cursed David, and I repeated +to myself the words of the holy King: "Yea, it is the Lord who +hath bidden him say all these things."[7] In this way God takes +care of me. He cannot always provide that strength-giving bread, +exterior humiliation, but from time to time He allows me to eat of +"the crumbs from the table of the children."[8] How magnificent +are His Mercies! + +Dear Mother, since that Infinite Mercy is the subject of this my +earthly song, I ought also to discover to you one real advantage, +reaped with many others in the discharge of my task. Formerly, if +I saw a Sister acting in a way that displeased me, and was +seemingly contrary to rule, I would think: "Ah, how glad I should +be if only I could warn her and point out where she is wrong." +Since, however, this burden has been laid upon me my ideas have +changed, and when I happen to see something not quite right, I say +with a sigh of relief: "Thank God! It is not a novice, and I am +not obliged to correct"; and at once I try to find excuses, and +credit the doer with the good intentions she no doubt possesses. + +Your devotedness, dear Mother, now that I am ill, has also taught +me many a lesson of charity. No remedy is too costly, and if one +does not succeed, you unhesitatingly try something new. When I am +present at recreation, how careful you are to shield me from +draughts. I feel that I ought to be as compassionate for the +spiritual infirmities of my Sisters as you are for my bodily ills. + +I have noticed that it is the holiest nuns who are most deeply +loved; everyone is anxious to seek their company, and do them +service, without even being asked. These very souls who are well +able to bear with want of affection and little attentions are +always surrounded by an atmosphere of love. Our Father, St. John +of the Cross, says with great truth: "All good things have come +unto me, since I no longer sought them for myself." + +Imperfect souls, on the contrary, are left alone. They are +treated, it is true, with the measure of politeness which +religious life demands; yet their company is avoided, lest a word +might be said which would hurt their feelings. When I say +imperfect souls, I am not referring to souls with spiritual +imperfections only, for the holiest souls will not be perfect till +they are in heaven. I mean those who are also afflicted with want +of tact and refinement, as well as ultra-sensitive souls. I know +such defects are incurable, but I also know how patient you would +be, in nursing and striving to relieve me, were my illness to last +for many years. + +From all this I draw the conclusion:--I ought to seek the +companionship of those Sisters towards whom I feel a natural +aversion, and try to be their good Samaritan. A word or a smile is +often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul. And yet it is +not merely in the hope of giving consolation that I try to be +kind. If it were, I know that I should soon be discouraged, for +well-intentioned words are often totally misunderstood. +Consequently, not to lose my time or labour, I try to act solely +to please Our Lord, and follow this precept of the Gospel: "When +thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends or thy +brethren, lest perhaps they also invite thee again and a +recompense be made to thee. But when thou makest a feast, call the +poor, the maimed, the blind, and the lame, and thou shalt be +blessed, because they have naught wherewith to make thee +recompense, and thy Father Who seeth in secret will repay thee."[9] + +What feast can I offer my Sisters but a spiritual one of sweet and +joyful charity! I know none other, and I wish to imitate St. Paul, +who rejoiced with those who rejoiced. It is true that he wept with +those who wept, and at my feast, too, the tears must sometimes +fall, still I shall always try to change them into smiles, for +"God loveth a cheerful giver."[10] + +I remember an act of charity with which God inspired me while I +was still a novice, and this act, though seemingly small, has been +rewarded even in this life by Our Heavenly Father, "Who seeth in +secret." + +Shortly before Sister St. Peter became quite bedridden, it was +necessary every evening, at ten minutes to six, for someone to +leave meditation and take her to the refectory. It cost me a good +deal to offer my services, for I knew the difficulty, or I should +say the impossibility, of pleasing the poor invalid. But I did not +want to lose such a good opportunity, for I recalled Our Lord's +words: "As long as you did it to one of these my least brethren, +you did it to Me."[11] I therefore humbly offered my aid. It was +not without difficulty I induced her to accept it, but after +considerable persuasion I succeeded. Every evening, when I saw her +shake her sand-glass, I understood that she meant: "Let us go!" +Summoning up all my courage I rose, and the ceremony began. First +of all, her stool had to be moved and carried in a particular way, +and on no account must there be any hurry. The solemn procession +ensued. I had to follow the good Sister, supporting her by her +girdle; I did it as gently as possible, but if by some mischance +she stumbled, she imagined I had not a firm hold, and that she was +going to fall. "You are going too fast," she would say, "I shall +fall and hurt myself!" Then when I tried to lead her more quietly: +"Come quicker . . . I cannot feel you . . . you are letting me go! +I was right when I said you were too young to take care of me." + +When we reached the refectory without further mishap, more +troubles were in store. I had to settle my poor invalid in her +place, taking great pains not to hurt her. Then I had to turn back +her sleeves, always according to her own special rubric, and after +that I was allowed to go. + +But I soon noticed that she found it very difficult to cut her +bread, so I did not leave her till I had performed this last +service. She was much touched by this attention on my part, for +she had not expressed any wish on the subject; it was by this +unsought-for kindness that I gained her entire confidence, and +chiefly because--as I learnt later--at the end of my humble task +I bestowed upon her my sweetest smile. + +Dear Mother, it is long since all this happened, but Our Lord +allows the memory of it to linger with me like a perfume from +Heaven. One cold winter evening, I was occupied in the lowly work +of which I have just spoken, when suddenly I heard in the distance +the harmonious strains of music outside the convent walls. I +pictured a drawing-room, brilliantly lighted and decorated, and +richly furnished. Young ladies, elegantly dressed, exchanged a +thousand compliments, as is the way of the world. Then I looked on +the poor invalid I was tending. Instead of sweet music I heard her +complaints, instead of rich gilding I saw the brick walls of our +bare cloister, scarcely visible in the dim light. The contrast was +very moving. Our Lord so illuminated my soul with the rays of +truth, before which the pleasures of the world are but as +darkness, that for a thousand years of such worldly delights, I +would not have bartered even the ten minutes spent in my act of +charity. + +If even now, in days of pain and amid the smoke of battle, the +thought that God has withdrawn us from the world is so entrancing, +what will it be when, in eternal glory and everlasting repose, we +realise the favour beyond compare He has done us here, by singling +us out to dwell in His Carmel, the very portal of Heaven? + +I have not always felt these transports of joy in performing acts +of charity, but at the beginning of my religious life Jesus wished +to make me feel how sweet to Him is charity, when found in the +hearts of his Spouses. Thus when I led Sister St. Peter, it was +with so much love that I could not have shown more were I guiding +Our Divine Lord Himself. + +The practice of charity has not always been so pleasant as I have +just pointed out, dear Mother, and to prove it I will recount some +of my many struggles. + +For a long time my place at meditation was near a Sister who +fidgeted continually, either with her Rosary, or something else; +possibly, as I am very quick of hearing, I alone heard her, but I +cannot tell you how much it tried me. I should have liked to turn +round, and by looking at the offender, make her stop the noise; +but in my heart I knew that I ought to bear it tranquilly, both +for the love of God and to avoid giving pain. So I kept quiet, but +the effort cost me so much that sometimes I was bathed in +perspiration, and my meditation consisted merely in suffering with +patience. After a time I tried to endure it in peace and joy, at +least deep down in my soul, and I strove to take actual pleasure +in the disagreeable little noise. Instead of trying not to hear +it, which was impossible, I set myself to listen, as though it had +been some delightful music, and my meditation--which was not the +"prayer of quiet"--was passed in offering this music to Our Lord. + +Another time I was working in the laundry, and the Sister +opposite, while washing handkerchiefs, repeatedly splashed me with +dirty water. My first impulse was to draw back and wipe my face, +to show the offender I should be glad if she would behave more +quietly; but the next minute I thought how foolish it was to +refuse the treasures God offered me so generously, and I refrained +from betraying my annoyance. On the contrary, I made such efforts +to welcome the shower of dirty water, that at the end of half an +hour I had taken quite a fancy to this novel kind of aspersion, +and I resolved to come as often as I could to the happy spot where +such treasures were freely bestowed. + +Dear Mother, you see that I am a very little soul, who can only +offer very little things to Our Lord. It still happens that I +frequently let slip the occasion of these slender sacrifices, +which bring so much peace, but this does not discourage me; I bear +the loss of a little peace, and I try to be more watchful for the +future. + +How happy does Our Lord make me, and how sweet and easy is His +service on this earth! He has always given me what I desired, or +rather He has made me desire what He wishes to give. A short time +before my terrible temptation against Faith, I had reflected how +few exterior trials, worthy of mention, had fallen to my lot, and +that if I were to have interior trials, God must change my path; +and this I did not think He would do. Yet I could not always live +at ease. Of what means, then, would He make use? + +I had not long to wait for an answer, and it showed me that He +whom I love is never at a loss, for without changing my way, He +sent me this great trial; and thus mingled a healing bitterness +with all the sweet. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Rom. 8:15. + +[2] Exod. 9:16. + +[3] Cf. Ps. 33[34]:6. + +[4] Ps. 111[112]:4. + +[5] Prov. 18:19. + +[6] John 10:12. + +[7] Cf. 2 Kings 16:10. + +[8] Mark 7:28. + +[9] Cf. Luke 14:12, 13, 14. + +[10] 2 Cor. 9:7. + +[11] Matt. 25:40. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER XI A CANTICLE OF LOVE + +It is not only when He is about to send me some trial that Our +Lord gives me warning and awakens my desire for it. For years I +had cherished a longing which seemed impossible of realisation--to +have a brother a Priest. I often used to think that if my little +brothers had not gone to Heaven, I should have had the happiness +of seeing them at the Altar. I greatly regretted being deprived of +this joy. Yet God went beyond my dream; I only asked for one +brother who would remember me each day at the Holy Altar, and He +has united me in the bonds of spiritual friendship with two of His +apostles. I should like to tell you, dear Mother, how Our Divine +Master fulfilled my desire. + +In 1895 our holy Mother, St. Teresa, sent my first brother as a +gift for my feast. It was washing day, and I was busy at my work, +when Mother Agnes of Jesus, then Prioress, called me aside and +read me a letter from a young Seminarist, in which he said he had +been inspired by St. Teresa to ask for a sister who would devote +herself specially to his salvation, and to the salvation of his +future flock. He promised always to remember this spiritual sister +when saying Mass, and the choice fell upon me. Dear Mother, I +cannot tell you how happy this made me. Such unlooked-for +fulfillment of my desire awoke in my heart the joy of a child; it +carried me back to those early days, when pleasures were so keen, +that my heart seemed too small to contain them. Years had passed +since I had tasted a like happiness, so fresh, so unfamiliar, as +if forgotten chords had been stirred within me. + +Fully aware of my obligations, I set to work, and strove to +redouble my fervour. Now and again I wrote to my new brother. +Undoubtedly, it is by prayer and sacrifice that we can help our +missionaries, but sometimes, when it pleases Our Lord to unite two +souls for His Glory, He permits them to communicate their +thoughts, and thus inspire each other to love God more. Of course +an express command from those in authority is needed for this, +otherwise, it seems to me, that such a correspondence would do +more harm than good, if not to the missionary, at least to the +Carmelite, whose manner of life tends to continual introversion. +This exchange of letters, though rare, would occupy her mind +uselessly; instead of uniting her to God, she would perhaps fancy +she was doing wonders, when in reality, under cover of zeal, she +was doing nothing but producing needless distraction.--And here +am I, launched, not upon a distraction, but upon a dissertation +equally superfluous. I shall never be able to correct myself of +these lengthy digressions which must be so wearisome to you, dear +Mother. Forgive me, should I offend again. + +Last year, at the end of May, it was your turn to give me my +second brother, and when I represented that, having given all my +merits to one future apostle, I feared they could not be given to +another, you told me that obedience would double their value. In +the depths of my heart I thought the same thing, and, since the +zeal of a Carmelite ought to embrace the whole world, I hope, with +God's help, to be of use to even more than two missionaries. I +pray for all, not forgetting our Priests at home, whose ministry +is quite as difficult as that of the missionary preaching to the +heathen. . . . In a word, I wish to be a true daughter of the +Church, like our holy Mother St. Teresa, and pray for all the +intentions of Christ's Vicar. That is the one great aim of my +life. But just as I should have had a special interest in my +little brothers had they lived, and that, without neglecting the +general interests of the Church, so now, I unite myself in a +special way to the new brothers whom Jesus has given me. All that +I possess is theirs also. God is too good to give by halves; He is +so rich that He gives me all I ask for, even though I do not lose +myself in lengthy enumerations. As I have two brothers and my +little sisters, the novices, the days would be too short were I to +ask in detail for the needs of each soul, and I fear I might +forget something important. Simple souls cannot understand +complicated methods, and, as I am one of their number, Our Lord +has inspired me with a very simple way of fulfilling my +obligations. One day, after Holy Communion, He made me understand +these words of the Canticles: "Draw me: we will run after Thee to +the odour of Thy ointments."[1] O my Jesus, there is no need to +say: "In drawing me, draw also the souls that I love": these +words, "Draw me," suffice. When a soul has let herself be taken +captive by the inebriating odour of Thy perfumes, she cannot run +alone; as a natural consequence of her attraction towards Thee, +the souls of all those she loves are drawn in her train. + +Just as a torrent carries into the depths of the sea all that it +meets on its way, so, my Jesus, does the soul who plunges into the +shoreless ocean of Thy Love bring with it all its treasures. My +treasures are the souls it has pleased thee to unite with mine; +Thou hast confided them to me, and therefore I do not fear to use +Thy own words, uttered by Thee on the last night that saw Thee +still a traveller on this earth. Jesus, my Beloved! I know not +when my exile will have an end. Many a night I may yet sing Thy +Mercies here below, but for me also will come the last night, and +then I shall be able to say: + +"I have glorified Thee upon earth: I have finished the work which +Thou gavest me to do. I have manifested Thy name to the men whom +Thou hast given me out of the world. Thine they were, and to me +Thou gavest them; and they have kept Thy word. Now they have known +that all things which Thou hast given me are from Thee: because +the words which Thou gavest me I have given to them; and they +have received them, and have known for certain that I came forth +from Thee, and they have believed that Thou didst send me. I pray +for them: I pray not for the world, but for them whom Thou hast +given me, because they are Thine. And all mine are Thine, and +Thine are mine; and I am glorified in them. And now I am no more +in the world, and these are in the world, and I come to Thee. Holy +Father, keep them in Thy name, whom Thou hast given me, that they +may be one, as we also are one. And now I come to Thee, and these +things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy filled in +themselves. I do not ask that Thou take them away out of the +world, but that Thou preserve them from evil. They are not of the +world, as I also am not of the world. And not for them only do I +pray, but for those also who through their word shall believe in +me. Father, I will that where I am they also whom Thou hast given +me may be with me, that they may see my glory which Thou hast +given me, because Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the +world. And I have made known Thy name unto them, and will make it +known, that the love wherewith Thou hast loved me may be in them +and I in them."[2] + +Yea, Lord, thus would I repeat Thy words, before losing myself in +Thy loving embrace. Perhaps it is daring, but, for a long time, +hast thou not allowed me to be daring with Thee? Thou hast said to +me, as the Prodigal's father to his elder son: "All I have is +thine."[3] And therefore I may use thy very own words to draw down +favours from Our Heavenly Father on all who are dear to me. + +My God, Thou knowest that I have ever desired to love Thee alone. +It has been my only ambition. Thy love has gone before me, even +from the days of my childhood. It has grown with my growth, and +now it is an abyss whose depths I cannot fathom. + +Love attracts love; mine darts towards Thee, and would fain make +the abyss brim over, but alas! it is not even as a dewdrop in the +ocean. To love Thee as Thou lovest me, I must make Thy Love mine +own. Thus alone can I find rest. O my Jesus, it seems to me that +Thou couldst not have overwhelmed a soul with more love than Thou +hast poured out on mine, and that is why I dare ask Thee to love +those Thou hast given me, even as Thou lovest me. + +If, in Heaven, I find that thou lovest them more than Thou lovest +me, I shall rejoice, for I acknowledge that their deserts are +greater than mine, but now, I can conceive no love more vast than +that with which Thou hast favoured me, without any merit on my +part. + +. . . . . . . + +Dear Mother, what I have just written amazes me. I had no +intention of writing it. When I said: "The words which Thou gavest +me I have given unto them," I was thinking only of my little +sisters in the noviciate. I am not able to teach missionaries, and +the words I wrote for them were from the prayer of Our Lord: "I do +not ask that Thou shouldst take them out of the world; I pray also +for them who through their word shall believe in Thee." + +How could I forget those souls they are to win by their sufferings +and exhortations? + +But I have not told you all my thoughts on this passage of the +Sacred Canticles: "Draw me--we will run!" Our Lord has said: "No +man can come to Me except the Father Who hath sent Me, draw +him,"[4] and later He tells us that _whosoever seeks shall find, +whosoever asks shall receive, that unto him that knocks it shall +be opened,_ and He adds that whatever we ask the Father in His +Name shall be given us. It was no doubt for this reason that, long +before the birth of Our Lord, the Holy Spirit dictated these +prophetic words: "Draw me--we will run!" By asking to be drawn, we +desire an intimate union with the object of our love. If iron and +fire were endowed with reason, and the iron could say: "Draw me!" +would not that prove its desire to be identified with the fire to +the point of sharing its substance? Well, this is precisely my +prayer. I asked Jesus to draw me into the Fire of His love, and to +unite me so closely to Himself that He may live and act in me. I +feel that the more the fire of love consumes my heart, so much the +more shall I say: "Draw me!" and the more also will souls who draw +near me _run swiftly in the sweet odour of the Beloved._ + +Yes, they will run--we shall all run together, for souls that are +on fire can never be at rest. They may indeed, like St. Mary +Magdalen, sit at the feet of Jesus, listening to His sweet and +burning words, but, though they seem to give Him nothing, they +give much more than Martha, who busied herself about many things. +It is not Martha's work that Our Lord blames, but her +over-solicitude; His Blessed Mother humbly occupied herself in the +same kind of work when she prepared the meals for the Holy Family. +All the Saints have understood this, especially those who have +illumined the earth with the light of Christ's teaching. Was it +not from prayer that St. Paul, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, +St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa, and so many other friends of +God drew that wonderful science which has enthralled the loftiest +minds? "Give me a lever and a fulcrum on which to lean it," said +Archimedes, "and I will lift the world." + +What he could not obtain because his request had only a material +end, without reference to God, the Saints have obtained in all its +fulness. They lean on God Almighty's power itself and their lever +is the prayer that inflames with love's fire. With this lever they +have raised the world--with this lever the Saints of the Church +Militant still raise it, and will raise it to the end of time. + +Dear Mother, I have still to tell you what I understand by the +_sweet odour of the Beloved._ As Our Lord is now in Heaven, I can +only follow Him by the footprints He has left--footprints full of +life, full of fragrance. I have only to open the Holy Gospels and +at once I breathe the perfume of Jesus, and then I know which way +to run; and it is not to the first place, but to the last, that I +hasten. I leave the Pharisee to go up, and full of confidence I +repeat the humble prayer of the Publican. Above all I follow +Magdalen, for the amazing, rather I should say, the loving +audacity, that delights the Heart of Jesus, has cast its spell +upon mine. It is not because I have been preserved from mortal sin +that I lift up my heart to God in trust and love. I feel that even +had I on my conscience every crime one could commit, I should lose +nothing of my confidence: my heart broken with sorrow, I would +throw myself into the Arms of my Saviour. I know that He loves the +Prodigal Son, I have heard His words to St. Mary Magdalen, to the +woman taken in adultery, and to the woman of Samaria. No one could +frighten me, for I know what to believe concerning His Mercy and +His Love. And I know that all that multitude of sins would +disappear in an instant, even as a drop of water cast into a +flaming furnace. + +It is told in the Lives of the Fathers of the Desert how one of +them converted a public sinner, whose evil deeds were the scandal +of the whole country. This wicked woman, touched by grace, +followed the Saint into the desert, there to perform rigorous +penance. But on the first night of the journey, before even +reaching the place of her retirement, the bonds that bound her to +earth were broken by the vehemence of her loving sorrow. The holy +man, at the same instant, saw her soul borne by Angels to the +Bosom of God. + +This is a striking example of what I want to say, but these things +cannot be expressed. Dearest Mother, if weak and imperfect souls +like mine felt what I feel, none would despair of reaching the +summit of the Mountain of Love, since Jesus does not ask for great +deeds, but only for gratitude and self-surrender. + +He says: "I will not take the he-goats from out of the flocks, for +all the beasts of the forests are mine, the cattle on the hills +and the oxen. I know all the fowls of the air. If I were hungry, I +would not tell thee, for the world is Mine, and the fulness +thereof. Shall I eat the flesh of bullocks, or shall I drink the +blood of goats? Offer to God the sacrifice of praise and +thanksgiving."[5] + +This is all Our Lord claims from us. He has need of our love--He +has no need of our works. The same God, Who declares that He has +no need to tell us if He be hungry, did not disdain to beg a +little water from the Samaritan woman. He was athirst, but when He +said: "Give me to drink,"[6] He, the Creator of the Universe, +asked for the love of His creature. He thirsted for love. + +And this thirst of Our Divine Lord was ever on the increase. +Amongst the disciples of the world, He meets with nothing but +indifference and ingratitude, and alas! among His own, how few +hearts surrender themselves without reserve to the infinite +tenderness of His Love. Happy are we who are privileged to +understand the inmost secrets of Our Divine Spouse. If you, dear +Mother, would but set down in writing all you know, what wonders +could you not unfold! + +But, like Our Blessed Lady, you prefer to _keep all these things +in your heart._[7] To me you say that "It is honourable to reveal +and confess the world of God."[8] Yet you are right to keep +silence, for no earthly words can convey the secrets of Heaven. + +As for me, in spite of all I have written, I have not as yet +begun. I see so many beautiful horizons, such infinitely varied +tints, that the palette of the Divine Painter will alone, after +the darkness of this life, be able to supply me with the colours +wherewith I may portray the wonders that my soul descries. Since, +however, you have expressed a desire to penetrate into the hidden +sanctuary of my heart, and to have in writing what was the most +consoling dream of my life, I will end this story of my soul, by +an act of obedience. If you will allow me, it is to Jesus I will +address myself, for in this way I shall speak more easily. You may +find my expressions somewhat exaggerated, but I assure you there +is no exaggeration in my heart--there all is calm and peace. + +O my Jesus, who can say how tenderly and gently Thou dost lead my +soul! The storm had raged there ever since Easter, the glorious +feast of Thy triumph, until, in the month of May, there shone +through the darkness of my night one bright ray of grace. . . . My +mind dwelt on mysterious dreams sent sometimes to Thy favoured +ones, and I thought how such a consolation was not to be +mine--that for me, it was night, always the dark night. And in the +midst of the storm I fell asleep. The following day, May 10, just +at dawn, I dreamt that I was walking in a gallery alone with Our +Mother. Suddenly, without knowing how they had entered, I +perceived three Carmelites, in mantles and long veils, and I knew +that they came from Heaven. "Ah!" I thought, "how glad I should be +if I could but look on the face of one of these Carmelites!" And, +as if my wish had been heard, I saw the tallest of the three +Saints advance towards me. An inexpressible joy took possession of +me as she raised her veil, and then covered me with it. + +At once I recognised our Venerable Mother, Anne of Jesus, +foundress of the Carmel in France.[9] Her face was beautiful with +an unearthly beauty; no rays came from it, and yet, in spite of +the thick veil which enveloped us, I could see it suffused by a +soft light, which seemed to emanate from her heavenly countenance. +She caressed me tenderly, and seeing myself the object of such +affection, I made bold to say: "Dear Mother, I entreat you, tell +me, will Our Lord leave me much longer in this world? Will He not +soon come to fetch me?" She smiled sweetly, and answered, "Yes, +soon . . . very soon . . . I promise you." "Dear Mother," I asked +again, "tell me if He does not want more from me than these poor +little acts and desires that I offer Him. Is He pleased with me?" +Then our Venerable Mother's face shone with a new splendour, and +her expression became still more gracious: "The Good God asks no +more of you," she said, "He is pleased, quite pleased," and, +taking my head between her hands, she kissed me so tenderly that +it would be impossible to describe the joy I felt. My heart was +overflowing with gladness, and, remembering my Sisters, I was +about to beseech some favour for them, when, alas! I awoke. My +happiness was too great for words. Many months have passed since I +had this wonderful dream, and yet its memory is as fresh and +delightful as ever. I can still picture the loving smiles of this +holy Carmelite and feel her fond caresses. O Jesus! "Thou didst +command the winds and the storm, and there came a great calm."[10] + +On waking, I realised that Heaven does indeed exist, and that this +Heaven is peopled with souls who cherish me as their child, and +this impression still remains with me--all the sweeter, because, +up to that time, I had but little devotion to the Venerable Mother +Anne of Jesus. I had never sought her help, and but rarely heard +her name. And now I know and understand how constantly I was in +her thoughts, and the knowledge adds to my love for her and for +all the dear ones in my Father's Home. + +O my Beloved! this was but the prelude of graces yet greater which +Thou didst desire to heap upon me. Let me remind Thee of them +to-day, and forgive my folly if I venture to tell Thee once more +of my hopes, and my heart's well nigh infinite longings--forgive +me and grant my desire, that it may be well with my soul. To be +Thy Spouse, O my Jesus, to be a daughter of Carmel, and by my +union with Thee to be the mother of souls, should not all this +content me? And yet other vocations make themselves felt--I feel +called to the Priesthood and to the Apostolate--I would be a +Martyr, a Doctor of the Church. I should like to accomplish the +most heroic deeds--the spirit of the Crusader burns within me, and +I long to die on the field of battle in defence of Holy Church. + +The vocation of a Priest! With what love, my Jesus, would I bear +Thee in my hand, when my words brought Thee down from Heaven! With +what love would I give Thee to souls! And yet, while longing to be +a Priest, I admire and envy the humility of St. Francis of Assisi, +and am drawn to imitate him by refusing the sublime dignity of the +Priesthood. How reconcile these opposite tendencies?[11] + +Like the Prophets and Doctors, I would be a light unto souls, I +would travel to every land to preach Thy name, O my Beloved, and +raise on heathen soil the glorious standard of Thy Cross. One +mission alone would not satisfy my longings. I would spread the +Gospel to the ends of the earth, even to the most distant isles. I +would be a Missionary, not for a few years only, but, were it +possible, from the beginning of the world till the consummation of +time. Above all, I thirst for the Martyr's crown. It was the +desire of my earliest days, and the desire has deepened with the +years passed in the Carmel's narrow cell. But this too is folly, +since I do not sigh for one torment; I need them all to slake my +thirst. Like Thee, O Adorable Spouse, I would be scourged, I would +be crucified! I would be flayed like St. Bartholomew, plunged into +boiling oil like St. John, or, like St. Ignatius of Antioch, +ground by the teeth of wild beasts into a bread worthy of God.[12] + +With St. Agnes and St. Cecilia I would offer my neck to the sword +of the executioner, and like Joan of Arc I would murmur the name +of Jesus at the stake. + +My heart thrills at the thought of the frightful tortures +Christians are to suffer at the time of Anti-Christ, and I long to +undergo them all. Open, O Jesus, the Book of Life, in which are +written the deeds of Thy Saints: all the deeds told in that book I +long to have accomplished for Thee. To such folly as this what +answer wilt Thou make? Is there on the face of this earth a soul +more feeble than mine? And yet, precisely because I am feeble, it +has delighted Thee to accede to my least and most child-like +desires, and to-day it is Thy good pleasure to realise those other +desires, more vast than the Universe. These aspirations becoming a +true martyrdom, I opened, one day, the Epistles of St. Paul to +seek relief in my sufferings. My eyes fell on the 12th and 13th +chapters of the First Epistle to the Corinthians. I read that all +cannot become Apostles, Prophets, and Doctors; that the Church is +composed of different members; that the eye cannot also be the +hand. The answer was clear, but it did not fulfill my desires, or +give to me the peace I sought. "Then descending into the depths of +my nothingness, I was so lifted up that I reached my aim."[13] + +Without being discouraged I read on, and found comfort in this +counsel: "Be zealous for the better gifts. And I show unto you a +yet more excellent way."[14] The Apostle then explains how all +perfect gifts are nothing without Love, that Charity is the most +excellent way of going surely to God. At last I had found rest. + +Meditating on the mystical Body of Holy Church, I could not +recognise myself among any of its members as described by St. +Paul, or was it not rather that I wished to recognise myself in +all? Charity provided me with the key to my vocation. I understood +that since the Church is a body composed of different members, the +noblest and most important of all the organs would not be wanting. +I knew that the Church has a heart, that this heart burns with +love, and that it is love alone which gives life to its members. I +knew that if this love were extinguished, the Apostles would no +longer preach the Gospel, and the Martyrs would refuse to shed +their blood. I understood that love embraces all vocations, that +it is all things, and that it reaches out through all the ages, +and to the uttermost limits of the earth, because it is eternal. + +Then, beside myself with joy, I cried out: "O Jesus, my Love, at +last I have found my vocation. My vocation is love! Yes, I have +found my place in the bosom of the Church, and this place, O my +God, Thou hast Thyself given to me: in the heart of the Church, my +Mother, I will be LOVE! . . . Thus I shall be all things: thus +will my dream be realised. . . ." + +Why do I say I am beside myself with joy? This does not convey my +thought. Rather is it peace which has become my portion--the calm +peace of the sailor when he catches sight of the beacon which +lights him to port. O luminous Beacon of Love! I know how to come +even unto Thee, I have found the means of borrowing Thy Fires. + +I am but a weak and helpless child, yet it is my very weakness +which makes me dare to offer myself, O Jesus, as victim to Thy +Love. + +In olden days pure and spotless holocausts alone were acceptable +to the Omnipotent God. Nor could His Justice be appeased, save by +the most perfect sacrifices. But the law of fear has given place +to the law of love, and Love has chosen me, a weak and imperfect +creature, as its victim. Is not such a choice worthy of God's +Love? Yea, for in order that Love may be fully satisfied, it must +stoop even unto nothingness, and must transform that nothingness +into fire. O my God, I know it--"Love is repaid by love +alone."[15] Therefore I have sought, I have found, how to ease my +heart, by rendering Thee love for love. + +"Use the riches that make men unjust, to find you friends who may +receive you into everlasting dwellings."[16] This, O Lord, is the +advice Thou gavest to Thy disciples after complaining that "the +children of this world are wiser in their generation than the +children of light."[17] + +Child of light, as I am, I understood that my desires to be all +things, and to embrace all vocations, were riches that might well +make me unjust; so I set to work to use them for the making of +friends. Mindful of the prayer of Eliseus when he asked the +Prophet Elias for his double spirit, I presented myself before the +company of the Angels and Saints and addressed them thus: "I am +the least of all creatures. I know my mean estate, but I know that +noble and generous hearts love to do good. Therefore, O Blessed +Inhabitants of the Celestial City, I entreat you to adopt me as +your child. All the glory that you help me to acquire, will be +yours; only deign to hear my prayer, and obtain for me a double +portion of the love of God." + +O my God! I cannot measure the extent of my request, I should fear +to be crushed by the very weight of its audacity. My only excuse +is my claim to childhood, and that children do not grasp the full +meaning of their words. Yet if a father or mother were on the +throne and possessed vast treasures, they would not hesitate to +grant the desires of those little ones, more dear to them than +life itself. To give them pleasure they will stoop even unto folly. + +Well, I am a child of Holy Church, and the Church is a Queen, +because she is now espoused to the Divine King of Kings. I ask not +for riches or glory, not even the glory of Heaven--that belongs by +right to my brothers the Angels and Saints, and my own glory shall +be the radiance that streams from the queenly brow of my Mother, +the Church. Nay, I ask for Love. To love Thee, Jesus, is now my +only desire. Great deeds are not for me; I cannot preach the +Gospel or shed my blood. No matter! My brothers work in my stead, +and I, a little child, stay close to the throne, and love Thee for +all who are in the strife. + +But how shall I show my love, since love proves itself by deeds? +Well! The little child will strew flowers . . . she will embrace +the Divine Throne with their fragrance, she will sing Love's +Canticle in silvery tones. Yes, my Beloved, it is thus my short +life shall be spent in Thy sight. The only way I have of proving +my love is to strew flowers before Thee--that is to say, I will +let no tiny sacrifice pass, no look, no word. I wish to profit by +the smallest actions, and to do them for Love. I wish to suffer +for Love's sake, and for Love's sake even to rejoice: thus shall I +strew flowers. Not one shall I find without scattering its petals +before Thee . . . and I will sing . . . I will sing always, even +if my roses must be gathered from amidst thorns; and the longer +and sharper the thorns, the sweeter shall be my song. + +But of what avail to thee, my Jesus, are my flowers and my songs? +I know it well: this fragrant shower, these delicate petals of +little price, these songs of love from a poor little heart like +mine, will nevertheless be pleasing unto Thee. Trifles they are, +but Thou wilt smile on them. The Church Triumphant, stooping +towards her child, will gather up these scattered rose leaves, +and, placing them in Thy Divine Hands, there to acquire an +infinite value, will shower them on the Church Suffering to +extinguish its flames, and on the Church Militant to obtain its +victory. + +O my Jesus, I love Thee! I love my Mother, the Church; I bear in +mind that "the least act of pure love is of more value to her than +all other works together."[18] + +But is this pure love really in my heart? Are not my boundless +desires but dreams--but foolishness? If this be so, I beseech Thee +to enlighten me; Thou knowest I seek but the truth. If my desires +be rash, then deliver me from them, and from this most grievous of +all martyrdoms. And yet I confess, if I reach not those heights to +which my soul aspires, this very martyrdom, this foolishness, will +have been sweeter to me than eternal bliss will be, unless by a +miracle Thou shouldst take from me all memory of the hopes I +entertained upon earth. Jesus, Jesus! If the mere desire of Thy +Love awakens such delight, what will it be to possess it, to enjoy +it for ever? + +How can a soul so imperfect as mine aspire to the plenitude of +Love? What is the key of this mystery? O my only Friend, why dost +Thou not reserve these infinite longings to lofty souls, to the +eagles that soar in the heights? Alas! I am but a poor little +unfledged bird. I am not an eagle, I have but the eagle's eyes and +heart! Yet, notwithstanding my exceeding littleless, I dare to +gaze upon the Divine Sun of Love, and I burn to dart upwards unto +Him! I would fly, I would imitate the eagles; but all that I can +do is to lift up my little wings--it is beyond my feeble power to +soar. What is to become of me? Must I die of sorrow because of my +helplessness? Oh, no! I will not even grieve. With daring +self-abandonment there will I remain until death, my gaze fixed +upon that Divine Sun. Nothing shall affright me, nor wind nor +rain. And should impenetrable clouds conceal the Orb of Love, and +should I seem to believe that beyond this life there is darkness +only, that would be the hour of perfect joy, the hour in which to +push my confidence to its uttermost bounds. I should not dare to +detach my gaze, well knowing that beyond the dark clouds the sweet +Sun still shines. + +So far, O my God, I understand Thy Love for me. But Thou knowest +how often I forget this, my only care. I stray from Thy side, and +my scarcely fledged wings become draggled in the muddy pools of +earth; then I lament "like a young swallow,"[19] and my lament +tells Thee all, and I remember, O Infinite Mercy! that "Thou didst +not come to call the just, but sinners."[20] + +Yet shouldst Thou still be deaf to the plaintive cries of Thy +feeble creature, shouldst Thou still be veiled, then I am content +to remain benumbed with cold, my wings bedraggled, and once more I +rejoice in this well-deserved suffering. + +O Sun, my only Love, I am happy to feel myself so small, so frail +in Thy sunshine, and I am in peace . . . I know that all the +eagles of Thy Celestial Court have pity on me, they guard and +defend me, they put to flight the vultures--the demons that fain +would devour me. I fear them not, these demons, I am not destined +to be their prey, but the prey of the Divine Eagle. + +O Eternal Word! O my Saviour! Thou art the Divine Eagle Whom I +love--Who lurest me. Thou Who, descending to this land of exile, +didst will to suffer and to die, in order to bear away the souls +of men and plunge them into the very heart of the Blessed +Trinity--Love's Eternal Home! Thou Who, reascending into +inaccessible light, dost still remain concealed here in our vale +of tears under the snow-white semblance of the Host, and this, to +nourish me with Thine own substance! O Jesus! forgive me if I tell +Thee that Thy Love reacheth even unto folly. And in face of this +folly, what wilt Thou, but that my heart leap up to Thee? How +could my trust have any limits? + +I know that the Saints have made themselves as fools for Thy sake; +being 'eagles,' they have done great things. I am too little for +great things, and my folly it is to hope that Thy Love accepts me +as victim; my folly it is to count on the aid of Angels and +Saints, in order that I may fly unto Thee with thine own wings, O +my Divine Eagle! For as long a time as Thou willest I shall +remain--my eyes fixed upon Thee. I long to be allured by Thy +Divine Eyes; I would become Love's prey. I have the hope that Thou +wilt one day swoop down upon me, and, bearing me away to the +Source of all Love, Thou wilt plunge me at last into that glowing +abyss, that I may become for ever its happy Victim. + +O Jesus! would that I could tell all _little souls_ of Thine +ineffable condescension! I feel that if by any possibility Thou +couldst find one weaker than my own, Thou wouldst take delight in +loading her with still greater favours, provided that she +abandoned herself with entire confidence to Thine Infinite Mercy. +But, O my Spouse, why these desires of mine to make known the +secrets of Thy Love? Is it not Thyself alone Who hast taught them +to me, and canst Thou not unveil them to others? Yea! I know it, +and this I implore Thee! . . . + +I ENTREAT THEE TO LET THY DIVINE EYES REST UPON A VAST NUMBER OF +LITTLE SOULS, I ENTREAT THEE TO CHOOSE, IN THIS WORLD, A LEGION OF +LITTLE VICTIMS OF THY LOVE. +_____________________________ + +[1] Cant. 1:3. + +[2] Cf. John 17. + +[3] Luke 15:31. + +[4] John 6:44. + +[5] Ps. 49[50]:9-14. + +[6] John 4:7. + +[7] Cf. Luke 2:19. + +[8] Tob. 12:7. + +[9] The Venerable Mother Anne of Jesus--in the world, Anne of +Lobera--was born in Spain in 1545. She entered the Carmelite +Order in 1570, in the first convent of St. Joseph of Avila, and +shortly afterwards became the counsellor and coadjutor of St. +Teresa, who called her, "her daughter and her crown." St. John of +the Cross, who was her spiritual director for fourteen years, +described her as "a seraph incarnate," and her prudence and +sanctity were held in such esteem that the most learned men +consulted her in their doubts, and accepted her answers as +oracles. She was always faithful to the spirit of St. Teresa, and +had received from Heaven the mission to restore the Carmel to its +primitive perfection. Having founded three convents of the Reform +in Spain, she established one in France, and another in Belgium. +She died in the odor of sanctity in the Carmel of Brussels on +March 4, 1621. On May 3, 1878, His Holiness Pope Leo XIII signed +the Decree introducing the Cause of her Beatification. + +[10] Matt. 8:10. + +[11] St. Francis of Assisi, out of humility, refused to accept the +sublime dignity of the Priesthood, and remained a Deacon until his +death. [Ed.] + +[12] An allusion to the beautiful words of the martyr St. Ignatius +of Antioch, uttered when he heard the roar of the lions in the +Roman arena. "I am the wheat of Christ; let me be ground by the +teeth of the wild beasts, that I may become clean bread." [Ed.] + +[13] St. John of the Cross. + +[14] 1 Cor. 12:31. + +[15] St. John of the Cross. + +[16] Cf. Luke 16:9. + +[17] Luke 16:8. + +[18] St. John of the Cross. + +[19] Isa. 38:14. + +[20] Matt. 9:15. + +_____________________________ + + +END OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY + +_____________________________ + + +EPILOGUE: A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +"Many pages of this story"--said its writer--"will never be read +upon earth." It is necessary to repeat and emphasize her words. +There are sufferings which are not to be disclosed here below; Our +Lord has jealously reserved to Himself the right to reveal their +merit and glory, in the clear vision where all veils shall be +removed. "My God," she cried on the day of her religious +profession, "give me martyrdom of soul or body . . . or rather +give me both the one and the other!" And Our Lord Who, as she +herself avowed, fulfilled all her desires, granted this one also, +and in more abundant measure than the rest. He caused "the floods +of infinite tenderness pent up in His Divine Heart to overflow +into the soul of His little Spouse." This was the "Martyrdom of +Love," so well described in her melodious song. But it was her own +doctrine that, "to dedicate oneself as a Victim of Love is not to +be dedicated to sweetness and consolations; it is to offer oneself +to all that is painful and bitter, because Love lives only by +sacrifice . . . and the more we would surrender ourselves to Love, +the more we must surrender ourselves to suffering." + +Therefore, because she desired to attain "the loftiest height of +Love," the Divine Master led her thither by the rugged path of +sorrow, and it was only on its bleak summit that she died a +_Victim of Love._ + +. . . . . . . + +We have seen how great was her sacrifice in leaving her happy home +and the Father who loved her so tenderly. It may be imagined that +this sacrifice was softened, because at the Carmel she found again +her two elder and dearly loved sisters. On the contrary, this +afforded the young postulant many an occasion for repressing her +strong natural affections. The rules of solitude and silence were +strictly observed, and she only saw her sisters at recreation. Had +she been less mortified, she might often have sat beside them, but +"by preference she sought out the company of those religious who +were least agreeable to her," and no one could tell whether or not +she bore a special affection towards her own sisters. + +Some time after her entrance, she was appointed as "aid" to Sister +Agnes of Jesus, her dear "Pauline"; this was a fresh occasion for +sacrifice. Thérèse knew that all unnecessary conversation was +forbidden, and therefore she never allowed herself even the least +word. "O my little Mother," she said later, "how I suffered! I +could not open my heart to you, and I thought you no longer knew +me!" + +After five years of this heroic silence, Sister Agnes of Jesus was +elected Prioress. On the evening of the election Thérèse might +well have rejoiced that henceforth she could speak freely to her +"little Mother," and, as of old, pour out her soul. But sacrifice +had become her daily food. If she sought one favour more than +another, it was that she might be looked on as the lowest and the +least; and, among all the religious, not one saw less of the +Mother Prioress. + +She desired to live the life of Carmel with all the perfection +required by St. Teresa, and, although a martyr to habitual +dryness, her prayer was continuous. On one occasion a novice, +entering her cell, was struck by the heavenly expression of her +countenance. She was sewing industriously, and yet seemed lost in +deep contemplation. "What are you thinking of?" the young Sister +asked. "I am meditating on the 'Our Father,'" Thérèse answered. +"It is so sweet to call God, 'Our Father!'" . . . and tears +glistened in her eyes. Another time she said, "I cannot well see +what more I shall have in Heaven than I have now; I shall see God, +it is true, but, as to being with Him, I am that already even on +earth." + +The flame of Divine Love consumed her, and this is what she +herself relates: "A few days after the oblation of myself to God's +Merciful Love, I was in the choir, beginning the Way of the Cross, +when I felt myself suddenly wounded by a dart of fire so ardent +that I thought I should die. I do not know how to explain this +transport; there is no comparison to describe the intensity of +that flame. It seemed as though an invisible force plunged me +wholly into fire. . . . But oh! what fire! what sweetness!" + +When Mother Prioress asked her if this rapture was the first she +had experienced, she answered simply: "Dear Mother, I have had +several transports of love, and one in particular during my +Noviciate, when I remained for a whole week far removed from this +world. It seemed as though a veil were thrown over all earthly +things. But, I was not then consumed by a real fire. I was able to +bear those transports of love without expecting to see the ties +that bound me to earth give way; whilst, on the day of which I now +speak, one minute--one second--more and my soul must have been set +free. Alas! I found myself again on earth, and dryness at once +returned to my heart." True, the Divine Hand had withdrawn the +fiery dart--but the wound was unto death! + +In that close union with God, Thérèse acquired a remarkable +mastery over self. All sweet virtues flourished in the garden of +her soul, but do not let us imagine that these wondrous flowers +grew without effort on her part. + +"In this world there is no fruitfulness without suffering--either +physical pain, secret sorrow, or trials known sometimes only to +God. When good thoughts and generous resolutions have sprung up in +our souls through reading the lives of the Saints, we ought not to +content ourselves, as in the case of profane books, with paying a +certain tribute of admiration to the genius of their authors--we +should rather consider the price which, doubtless, they have paid +for that supernatural good they have produced."[1] + +And, if to-day Thérèse transforms so many hearts, and the good she +does on earth is beyond reckoning, we may well believe she bought +it all at the price with which Jesus bought back our souls: by +suffering and the Cross! + +Not the least of these sufferings was the unceasing war she waged +against herself, refusing every satisfaction to the demands of her +naturally proud and impetuous nature. While still a child she had +acquired the habit of never excusing herself or making a +complaint; at the Carmel she strove to be the little servant of +her Sisters in religion, and in that same spirit of humility she +endeavoured to obey all without distinction. + +One evening, during her illness, the Community had assembled in +the garden to sing a hymn before an Altar of the Sacred Heart. +Soeur Thérèse, who was already wasted by fever, joined them with +difficulty, and, arriving quite exhausted, was obliged to sit down +at once. When the hymn began, one of the Sisters made her a sign +to stand up. Without hesitation, the humble child rose, and, in +spite of the fever and great oppression from which she was +suffering, remained standing to the end. + +The Infirmarian had advised her to take a little walk in the +garden for a quarter of an hour each day. This recommendation was +for her a command. One afternoon a Sister, noticing what an effort +it cost her, said: "Soeur Thérèse, you would do much better to +rest; walking like this cannot do you any good. You only tire +yourself!" "That is true," she replied, "but, do you know what +gives me strength? I offer each step for some missionary. I think +that possibly, over there, far away, one of them is weary and +tired in his apostolic labours, and to lessen his fatigue I offer +mine to the Good God." + +She gave her novices some beautiful examples of detachment. One +year the relations of the Sisters and the servants of the Convent +had sent bouquets of flowers for Mother Prioress's feast. Thérèse +was arranging them most tastefully, when a Lay-sister said +crossly: "It is easy to see that the large bouquets have been +given by your friends. I suppose those sent by the poor will again +be put in the background!" . . . A sweet smile was the only reply, +and notwithstanding the unpleasing effect, she immediately put the +flowers sent by the servants in the most conspicuous place. + +Struck with admiration, the Lay-sister went at once to the +Prioress to accuse herself of her unkindness, and to praise the +patience and humility shown by Soeur Thérèse. + +After the death of Thérèse that same Sister, full of confidence, +pressed her forehead against the feet of the saintly nun, once +more asking forgiveness for her fault. At the same instant she +felt herself cured of cerebral anæmia, from which she had suffered +for many years, and which had prevented her from applying herself +either to reading or mental prayer. + +Far from avoiding humiliations, Soeur Thérèse sought them eagerly, +and for that reason she offered herself as "aid" to a Sister who, +she well knew, was difficult to please, and her generous proposal +was accepted. One day, when she had suffered much from this +Sister, a novice asked her why she looked so happy. Great was her +surprise on receiving the reply: "It is because Sister N. has just +been saying disagreeable things to me. What pleasure she has given +me! I wish I could meet her now, and give her a sweet smile." . . +. As she was still speaking, the Sister in question knocked at the +door, and the astonished novice could see for herself how the +Saints forgive. Soeur Thérèse acknowledged later on, she "soared +so high above earthly things that humiliations did but make her +stronger." + +To all these virtues she joined a wonderful courage. From her +entrance into the Carmel, at the age of fifteen, she was allowed +to follow all the practices of its austere Rule, the fasts alone +excepted. Sometimes her companions in the noviciate, seeing how +pale she looked, tried to obtain a dispensation for her, either +from the Night Office, or from rising at the usual hour in the +morning, but the Mother Prioress would never yield to these +requests. "A soul of such mettle," she would say, "ought not to be +dealt with as a child; dispensations are not meant for her. Let +her be, for God sustains her. Besides, if she is really ill, she +should come and tell me herself."[2] + +But it was always a principle with Thérèse that "We should go to +the end of our strength before we complain." How many times did +she assist at Matins suffering from vertigo or violent headaches! +"I am able to walk," she would say, "and so I ought to be at my +duty." And, thanks to this undaunted energy, she performed acts +that were heroic. + +It was with difficulty that her delicate stomach accustomed itself +to the frugal fare of the Carmel. Certain things made her ill, but +she knew so well how to hide this, that no one ever suspected it. +Her neighbour at table said that she had tried in vain to discover +the dishes that she preferred, and the kitchen Sisters, finding +her so easy to please, invariably served her with what was left. +It was only during her last illness, when she was ordered to say +what disagreed with her, that her mortifications came to light. +"When Jesus wishes us to suffer," she said at that time, "there +can be no evading it. And so, when Sister Mary of the Sacred +Heart[3] was procuratrix, she endeavoured to look after me with a +mother's tenderness. To all appearances, I was well cared for, and +yet what mortifications did she not impose upon me! for she served +me according to her own taste, which was entirely opposed to mine." + +Thérèse's spirit of sacrifice was far-reaching; she eagerly sought +what was painful and disagreeable, as her rightful share. All that +God asked she gave Him without hesitation or reserve. + +"During my postulancy," she said, "it cost me a great deal to +perform certain exterior penances, customary in our convents, but +I never yielded to these repugnances; it seemed to me that the +image of my Crucified Lord looked at me with beseeching eyes, and +begged these sacrifices." + +Her vigilance was so keen, that she never left unobserved any +little recommendations of the Mother Prioress, or any of the small +rules which render the religious life so meritorious. One of the +old nuns, having remarked her extraordinary fidelity on this +point, ever afterwards regarded her as a Saint. Soeur Thérèse was +accustomed to say that she never did any great penances. That was +because her fervour counted as nothing the few that were allowed +her. It happened, however, that she fell ill through wearing for +too long a time a small iron Cross, studded with sharp points, +that pressed into her flesh. "Such a trifle would not have caused +this," she said afterwards, "if God had not wished thus to make me +understand that the greater austerities of the Saints are not +meant for me--nor for the souls that walk in the path of +'spiritual childhood.'" + +. . . . . . . + +"The souls that are the most dear to My Father," Our Lord once +said to Saint Teresa, "are those He tries the most, and the +greatness of their trials is the measure of His Love." Thérèse was +a soul most dear to God, and He was about to fill up the measure +of His Love by making her pass through a veritable martyrdom. The +reader will remember the call on Good Friday, April 3, 1896, when, +to use her own expression, she heard the "distant murmur which +announced the approach of the Bridegroom"; but she had still to +endure long months of pain before the blessed hour of her +deliverance. + +On the morning of that Good Friday, she made so little of the +hæmorrhage of the previous night, that Mother Prioress allowed her +to practise all the penances prescribed by the Rule for that day. +In the afternoon, a novice saw her cleaning windows. Her face was +livid, and, in spite of her great energy, it was evident that her +strength was almost spent. Seeing her fatigue, the novice, who +loved her dearly, burst into tears, and begged leave to obtain her +some little reprieve. But the young novice-mistress strictly +forbade her, saying that she was quite able to bear this slight +fatigue on the day on which Jesus had suffered and died. + +Soon a persistent cough made the Mother Prioress feel anxious; she +ordered Soeur Thérèse a more strengthening diet, and the cough +ceased for some time. "Truly sickness is too slow a liberator," +exclaimed our dear little Sister, "I can only rely upon Love." + +She was strongly tempted to respond to the appeal of the +Carmelites of Hanoï, who much desired to have her, and began a +novena to the Venerable Théophane Vénard[4] to obtain her cure, +but alas! that novena proved but the beginning of a more serious +phase of her malady. + +Like her Divine Master, she passed through the world doing good; +like Him, she had been forgotten and unknown, and now, still +following in His Footsteps, she was to climb the hill of Calvary. +Accustomed to see her always suffering, yet always joyous and +brave, Mother Prioress, doubtless inspired by God, allowed her to +take part in the Community exercises, some of which tired her +extremely. At night, she would courageously mount the stairs +alone, pausing at each step to take breath. It was with difficulty +that she reached her cell, and then in so exhausted a state, that +sometimes, as she avowed later, it took her quite an hour to +undress. After all this exertion it was upon a hard pallet that +she took her rest. Her nights, too, were very bad, and when asked +if she would not like someone to be near her in her hours of pain, +she replied: "Oh, no! on the contrary, I am only too glad to be in +a cell away from my Sisters, that I may not be heard. I am content +to suffer alone--as soon as I am pitied and loaded with +attentions, my happiness leaves me." + +What strength of soul these words betray! Where we find sorrow she +found joy. What to us is to hard to bear--being overlooked and +ignored by creatures--became to her a source of delight. And her +Divine Spouse knew well how to provide that bitter joy she found +so sweet. Painful remedies had often to be applied. One day, when +she had suffered from them more than usual, she was resting in her +cell during recreation, and overheard a Sister in the kitchen +speaking of her thus: "Soeur Thérèse will not live long, and +really sometimes I wonder what our Mother Prioress will find to +say about her when she dies.[5] She will be sorely puzzled, for +this little Sister, amiable as she is, has certainly never done +anything worth speaking about." The Infirmarian, who had also +overheard the remark, turned to Thérèse and said: "If you relied +upon the opinion of creatures you would indeed be disillusioned +today." "The opinion of creatures!" she replied; "happily God has +given me the grace to be absolutely indifferent to that. Let me +tell you something which showed me, once and for all, how much it +is worth. A few days after my Clothing, I went to our dear +Mother's room, and one of the Sisters who happened to be there, +said on seeing me: 'Dear Mother, this novice certainly does you +credit. How well she looks! I hope she may be able to observe the +Rule for many years to come.' I was feeling decidedly pleased at +this compliment when another Sister came in, and, looking at me, +said: 'Poor little Soeur Thérèse, how very tired you seem! You +quite alarm me. If you do not soon improve, I am afraid you will +not be able to keep the Rule very long.' I was then only sixteen, +but this little incident made such an impression on me, that I +never again set store on the varying opinion of creatures." + +On another occasion someone remarked: "It is said that you have +never suffered much." Smiling, she pointed to a glass containing +medicine of a bright red colour. "You see this little glass?" she +said. "One would suppose that it contained a most delicious +draught, whereas, in reality, it is more bitter than anything else +I take. It is the image of my life. To others it has been all rose +colour; they have thought that I continually drank of a most +delicious wine; yet to me it has been full of bitterness. I say +bitterness, and yet my life has not been a bitter one, for I have +learned to find my joy and sweetness in all that is bitter." + +"You are suffering very much just now, are you not?" "Yes, but +then I have so longed to suffer." "How it distresses us to see you +in such pain, and to think that it may increase!" said her novices. + +"Oh! Do not grieve about me. I have reached a point where I can no +longer suffer, because all suffering is become so sweet. Besides, +it is quite a mistake to trouble yourselves as to what I may still +have to undergo. It is like meddling with God's work. We who run +in the way of Love must never allow ourselves to be disturbed by +anything. If I did not simply live from one moment to another, it +would be impossible for me to be patient; but I only look at the +present, I forget the past, and I take good care not to forestall +the future. When we yield to discouragement or despair, it is +usually because we think too much about the past and the future. +But pray much for me, for it is often just when I cry to Heaven +for help that I feel most abandoned." + +"How do you manage not to give way to discouragement at such +times?" "I turn to God and all His Saints, and thank them +notwithstanding; I believe they want to see how far my trust may +extend. But the words of Job have not entered my heart in vain: +'Even if God should kill me, I would still trust in Him.'[6] I own +it has taken a long time to arrive at this degree of +self-abandonment; but I have reached it now, and it is the Lord +Himself Who has brought me there." + +Another time she said: "Our Lord's Will fills my heart to the +brim, and hence, if aught else is added, it cannot penetrate to +any depth, but, like oil on the surface of limpid waters, glides +easily across. If my heart were not already brimming over, and +must needs be filled by the feelings of joy and sadness that +alternate so rapidly, then indeed would it be flooded by a wave of +bitter pain; but these quick-succeeding changes scarcely ruffle +the surface of my soul, and in its depths there reigns a peace +that nothing can disturb." + +And yet her soul was enveloped in thick darkness, and her +temptations against Faith, ever conquered but ever returning, were +there to rob her of all feeling of happiness at the thought of her +approaching death. "Were it not for this trial, which is +impossible to understand," she would say, "I think I should die of +joy at the prospect of soon leaving this earth." + +By this trial, the Divine Master wished to put the finishing +touches to her purification, and thus enable her not only to walk +with rapid steps, but to run in her little way of confidence and +abandonment. Her words repeatedly proved this. "I desire neither +death nor life. Were Our Lord to offer me my choice, I would not +choose. I only will what He wills; it is what He does that I love. +I do not fear the last struggle, nor any pains--however great--my +illness may bring. God has always been my help. He has led me by +the hand from my earliest childhood, and on Him I rely. My agony +may reach the furthest limits, but I am convinced He will never +forsake me." + +Such confidence in God, of necessity stirred the fury of the +devil--of him who, at life's close, tries every ruse to sow the +seeds of despair in the hearts of the dying. + +"Last night I was seized with a terrible feeling of anguish," she +confessed to Mother Agnes of Jesus on one occasion; "I was lost in +darkness, and from out of it came an accursed voice: 'Are you +certain God loves you? Has He Himself told you so? The opinion of +creatures will not justify you in His sight.' These thoughts had +long tortured me, when your little note, like a message from +Heaven, was brought to me. You recalled to me, dear Mother, the +special graces Jesus had lavished upon me, and, as though you had +had a revelation concerning my trial, you assured me I was deeply +loved by God, and was on the eve of receiving from His Hands my +eternal crown. Immediately peace and joy were restored to my +heart. Yet the thought came to me, 'It is my little Mother's +affection that makes her write these words.' Straightway I felt +inspired to take up the Gospels, and, opening the book at random, +I lighted on a passage which had hitherto escaped me: 'He whom God +hath sent speaketh the Words of God, for God doth not give the +Spirit by measure.'[7] Then I fell asleep fully consoled. It was +you, dear Mother, whom the Good God sent me, and I must believe +you, because you speak the Words of God." + +For several days, during the month of August, Thérèse remained, so +to speak, beside herself, and implored that prayers might be +offered for her. She had never before been seen in this state, and +in her inexpressible anguish she kept repeating: "Oh! how +necessary it is to pray for the agonising! If one only knew!" + +One night she entreated the Infirmarian to sprinkle her bed with +Holy Water, saying: "I am besieged by the devil. I do not see him, +but I feel him; he torments me and holds me with a grip of iron, +that I may not find one crumb of comfort; he augments my woes, +that I may be driven to despair. . . . And I cannot pray. I can +only look at Our Blessed Lady and say: 'Jesus!' How needful is +that prayer we use at Compline: 'Procul recedant somnia et noctium +phantasmata!' ('Free us from the phantoms of the night.') +Something mysterious is happening within me. I am not suffering +for myself, but for some other soul, and satan is angry." The +Infirmarian, startled, lighted a blessed candle, and the spirit of +darkness fled, never to return; but the sufferer remained to the +end in a state of extreme anguish. + +One day, while she was contemplating the beautiful heavens, some +one said to her: "soon your home will be there, beyond the blue +sky. How lovingly you gaze at it!" She only smiled, but afterwards +she said to the Mother Prioress: "Dear Mother, the Sisters do not +realise my sufferings. Just now, when looking at the sky, I merely +admired the beauty of the material heaven--the true Heaven seems +more than ever closed against me. At first their words troubled +me, but an interior voice whispered: 'Yes, you were looking to +Heaven out of love. Since your soul is entirely delivered up to +love, all your actions, even the most indifferent, are marked with +this divine seal.' At once I was consoled." + +In spite of the darkness which enveloped her, her Divine Saviour +sometimes left the door of her prison ajar. Those were moments in +which her soul lost itself in transports of confidence and love. +Thus it happened that on a certain day, when walking in the garden +supported by one of her own sisters, she stopped at the charming +spectacle of a hen sheltering its pretty little ones under its +wing. Her eyes filled with tears, and, turning to her companion, +she said: "I cannot remain here any longer, let us go in!" And +even when she reached her cell, her tears continued to fall, and +it was some time before she could speak. At last she looked at her +sister with a heavenly expression, and said: "I was thinking of +Our Lord, and the beautiful comparison He chose in order to make +us understand His ineffable tenderness. This is what He has done +for me all the days of my life. He has completely hidden me under +His Wing. I cannot express all that has just stirred my heart; it +is well for me that God conceals Himself, and lets me see the +effects of His Mercy but rarely, and as it were from 'behind the +lattices.' Were it not so I could never bear such sweetness." + +. . . . . . . + +Disconsolate at the prospect of losing their treasure, the +Community began a novena to Our Lady of Victories on June 5, 1897, +in the fervent hope that she would once again miraculously raise +the drooping Little Flower. But her answer was the same as that +given by the blessed Martyr, Théophane Vénard, and they were +forced to accept with generosity the bitterness of the coming +separation. + +At the beginning of July, her state became very serious, and she +was at last removed to the Infirmary. Seeing her empty cell, and +knowing she would never return to it, Mother Agnes of Jesus said +to her: "When you are no longer with us, how sad I shall feel when +I look at this cell!" + +"For consolation, little Mother, you can think how happy I am up +there, and remember that much of my happiness was acquired in that +little cell; for," she added, raising her beautiful eyes to +Heaven, "I have suffered so much there, and I should have been +happy to die there." + +As she entered the Infirmary she looked towards the miraculous +statue of Our Lady, which had been brought thither. It would be +impossible to describe that look. "What is it you see?" said her +sister Marie, the witness of her miraculous cure as a child. And +Thérèse answered: "Never has she seemed to me so beautiful . . . +but to-day it is the statue, whereas that other day, as you well +know, it was not the statue!" And from that time she often +received similar consolations. + +One evening she exclaimed: "Oh, how I love Our Blessed Lady! Had I +been a Priest, how I would have sung her praises! She is spoken of +as unapproachable, whereas she should be represented as easy of +imitation. . . . She is more Mother than Queen. I have heard it +said that her splendour eclipses that of all the Saints as the +rising sun makes all the stars disappear. It sounds so strange. +That a Mother should take away the glory of her children! I think +quite the reverse. I believe that she will greatly increase the +splendour of the elect . . . Our Mother Mary! Oh! how simple her +life must have been!" and, continuing her discourse, she drew such +a sweet and delightful picture of the Holy Family that all present +were lost in admiration. + +A very heavy cross awaited her before going to join her Spouse. +From August 16 to September 30, the happy day of her death, she +was unable to receive Holy Communion, because of her continual +sickness. Few have hungered for the Bread of Angels like this +seraph of earth. Again and again during that last winter of her +life, after nights of intolerable pain, she rose at early morn to +partake of the Manna of Heaven, and she thought no price too heavy +to pay for the bliss of feeding upon God. Before depriving her +altogether of this Heavenly Food, Our Lord often visited her on +her bed of pain. Her Communion on July 16, the feast of Our Lady +of Mount Carmel, was specially touching. During the previous night +she composed some verses which were to be sung before Communion. + +Thou know'st the baseness of my soul, O Lord, Yet fearest not to +stoop and enter me. Come to my heart, O Sacrament adored! Come to +my heart . . . it craveth but for Thee! And when Thou comest, +straightway let me die Of very love for Thee; this boon impart! +Oh, hearken Jesus, to my suppliant cry: Come to my heart! + +In the morning, when the Holy Viaticum was carried to the +Infirmary, the cloisters were thickly strewn with wild flowers and +rose-petals. A young Priest, who was about to say his first Mass +that day in the Chapel of the Carmel, bore the Blessed Sacrament +to the dying Sister; and at her desire, Sister Mary of the +Eucharist--whose voice was exceptionally sweet--sang the following +couplet: + +Sweet martyrdom! to die of love's keen fire: +The martyrdom of which my heart is fain! +Hasten, ye Cherubim, to tune your lyre; +I shall not linger long in exile's pain! +. . . . . . . + +Fulfill my dream, O Jesus, since I sigh +Of love to die! + +A few days later Thérèse grew worse, and on July 30 she received +Extreme Unction. Radiant with delight the little Victim of Love +said to us: "The door of my dark prison is ajar. I am steeped in +joy, especially since our Father Superior has assured me that +to-day my soul is like unto that of a little child after Baptism." + +No doubt she thought she was quickly to join the white-robed band +of the Holy Innocents. She little knew that two long months of +martyrdom had still to run their course. "Dear Mother," she said, +"I entreat you, give me leave to die. Let me offer my life for +such and such an intention"--naming it to the Prioress. And when +the permission was refused, she replied: "Well, I know that just +at this moment Our Lord has such a longing for a tiny bunch of +grapes--which no one will give Him--that He will perforce have to +come and steal it. . . . I do not ask anything; this would be to +stray from my path of self-surrender. I only beseech Our Lady to +remind her Jesus of the title of _Thief,_ which He takes to +Himself in the Gospels, so that He may not forget to come and +carry me away." + +. . . . . . . + +One day Soeur Thérèse took an ear of corn from a sheaf they had +brought her. It was so laden with grain that it bent on its stalk, +and after gazing upon it for some time she said to the Mother +Prioress: "Mother, that ear of corn is the image of my soul. God +has loaded it with graces for me and for many others. And it is my +dearest wish ever to bend beneath the weight of God's gifts, +acknowledging that all comes from Him." + +She was right. Her soul was indeed laden with graces, and it was +easy to discern the Spirit of God speaking His praises out of the +mouth of that innocent child. + +Had not this Spirit of Truth already dictated these words to the +great Teresa of Avila: + +"Let those souls who have reached to perfect union with God hold +themselves in high esteem, with a humble and holy presumption. Let +them keep unceasingly before their eyes the remembrance of the +good things they have received, and beware of the thought that +they are practising humility in not recognising the gifts of God. +Is it not clear that the constant remembrance of gifts bestowed +serves to increase the love of the giver? How can he who ignores +the riches he possesses, spend them generously upon others?" + +But the above was not the only occasion on which the "little +Thérèse of Lisieux"[8] gave utterance to words that proved +prophetic. In the month of April, 1895, while she was still in +excellent health, she said in confidence to one of the older nuns: +"I shall die soon. I do not say that it will be in a few months, +but in two or three years at most; I know it because of what is +taking place in my soul." + +The novices betrayed surprise when she read their inmost thoughts. +"This is my secret," she said to them: "I never reprimand you +without first invoking Our Blessed Lady, and asking her to inspire +me as to what will be most for your good, and I am often +astonished myself at the things I teach you. At such times I feel +that I make no mistake, and that it is Jesus Who speak by my lips." + +During her illness one of her sisters had experienced some moments +of acute distress, amounting almost to discouragement, at the +thought of the inevitable parting. Immediately afterwards she went +to the Infirmary, but was careful not to let any sign of grief be +seen. What was her surprise when Thérèse, in a sad and serious +tone, thus addressed her: "We ought not to weep like those who +have no hope." + +One of the Mothers, having come to visit her, did her a trifling +service. "How happy I should be," thought the Mother, "if this +Angel would only say: 'I will repay you in Heaven!' At that +instant Soeur Thérèse, turning to her, said: "Mother, I will repay +you in Heaven!" + +But more surprising than all, was her consciousness of the mission +for which Our Lord had destined her. The veil which hides the +future seemed lifted, and more than once she revealed to us its +secrets, in prophecies which have already been realised. + +"I have never given the Good God aught but love; it is with Love +He will repay. + +AFTER MY DEATH I WILL LET FALL A SHOWER OF ROSES." + +At another time she interrupted a Sister, who was speaking to her +of the happiness of Heaven, by the sublime words: "It is not that +which attracts me." + +"And what attracts you?" asked the other. "Oh! it is Love! To +love, to be beloved, and _to return to earth to win love for our +Love!"_ + +One evening, she welcomed Mother Agnes of Jesus with an +extraordinary expression of joy: "Mother!" she said, "some notes +from a concert far away have just reached my ears, and have made +me think that soon I shall be listening to the wondrous melodies +of Paradise. The thought, however, gave me but a moment's joy--one +hope alone makes my heart beat fast: the Love that I shall receive +and the Love I shall be able to give! + +"I feel that my mission is soon to begin--my mission to make +others love God as I love Him . . . to each souls my _little way_ +. . . + +I WILL SPEND MY HEAVEN IN DOING GOOD UPON EARTH. + +Nor is this impossible, since from the very heart of the Beatific +Vision, the Angels keep watch over us. No, there can be no rest +for me until the end of the world. But when the Angel shall have +said: 'Time is no more!' then I shall rest, then I shall be able +to rejoice, because the number of the elect will be complete." + +"And what is this _little way_ that you would teach to souls?" + +"IT IS THE WAY OF SPIRITUAL CHILDHOOD, THE WAY OF TRUST AND +ABSOLUTE SELF-SURRENDER. + +I want to point out to them the means that I have always found so +perfectly successful, to tell them that there is but one thing to +do here below: we must offer Jesus _the flowers of little +sacrifices_ and win Him by a caress. That is how I have won Him, +and that is why I shall be made so welcome." + +"Should I guide you wrongly by my _little way_ of love," she said +to a novice, "do not fear that I shall allow you to continue +therein; I should soon come back to the earth, and tell you to +take another road. If I do not return, then believe in the truth +of these my words: We can never have too much confidence in the +Good God, He is so mighty, so merciful. As we hope in Him so shall +we receive." + +On the eve of the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, a novice said +to her: "I think that if you were to die to-morrow, after Holy +Communion, I should be quite consoled--it would be such a +beautiful death!" Thérèse answered quickly: "Die after Holy +Communion! Upon a great feast! Nay, not so. _In my 'little way' +everything is most ordinary; all that I do, little souls must be +able to do likewise."_ + +And to one of her missionary brothers she wrote: "What draws me to +my Heavenly Home is the summons of my Lord, together with the hope +that at length I shall love Him as my heart desires, and shall be +able to make Him loved by a multitude of souls who will bless Him +throughout eternity." + +And in another letter to China: "I trust fully that I shall not +remain idle in Heaven; my desire is to continue my work for the +Church and for souls. I ask this of God, and I am convinced He +will hear my prayer. You see that if I quit the battle-field so +soon, it is not from a selfish desire of repose. For a long time +now, suffering has been my Heaven here upon earth, and I can +hardly conceive how I shall become acclimatised to a land where +joy is unmixed with sorrow. Jesus will certainly have to work a +complete change in my soul--else I could never support the +ecstasies of Paradise." + +It was quite true, suffering had become her Heaven upon earth--she +welcomed it as we do happiness. "When I suffer much," she would +say, "when something painful or disagreeable happens to me, +instead of a melancholy look, I answer by a smile. At first I did +not always succeed, but now it has become a habit which I am glad +to have acquired." + +A certain Sister entertained doubts concerning the patience of +Thérèse. One day, during a visit, she remarked that the invalid's +face wore an expression of unearthly joy, and she sought to know +the reason. "It is because the pain is so acute just now," Thérèse +replied; "I have always forced myself to love suffering and to +give it a glad welcome." "Why are you so bright this morning?" +asked Mother Agnes of Jesus. "Because of two little crosses. +Nothing gives me 'little joys' like 'little crosses.'" And another +time: "You have had many trials to-day?" "Yes, but I love them! +. . . I love all the Good God sends me!" "Your sufferings are +terrible!" "No--they are not terrible: can a little Victim of Love +find anything terrible that is sent by her Spouse? Each moment He +sends me what I am able to bear, and nothing more, and if He +increase the pain, my strength is increased as well. But I could +never ask for greater sufferings--I am too little a soul. They +would then be of my own choice. I should have to bear them all +without Him, and I have never been able to do anything when left +to myself." + +Thus spoke that wise and prudent Virgin on her deathbed, and her +lamp, filled to the brim with the oil of virtue, burned brightly +to the end. If, as the Holy Spirit reminds us in the Book of +Proverbs: _"A man's doctrine is proved by his patience,"_[9] those +who have heard her may well believe in her doctrine, for she has +proved it by a patience no test could overcome. + +At each visit the doctor expressed his admiration. "If only you +knew what she has to endure! I have never seen any one suffer so +intensely with such a look of supernatural joy. . . . I shall not +be able to cure her; she was not made for this earth." In view of +her extreme weakness, he ordered some strengthening remedies. +Thérèse was at first distressed because of their cost, but she +afterwards admitted: "I am no longer troubled at having to take +those expensive remedies, for I have read that when they were +given to St. Gertrude, she was gladdened by the thought that it +would redound to the good of our benefactors, since Our Lord +Himself has said: 'Whatever you do to the least of My little ones, +you do unto Me.'"[10] "I am convinced that medicines are powerless +to cure me," she added, "but I have made a covenant with God that +the poor missionaries who have neither time nor means to take care +of themselves may profit thereby." + +She was much moved by the constant gifts of flowers made to her by +her friends outside the Convent, and again by the visits of a +sweet little redbreast that loved to play about her bed. She saw +in these things the Hand of God. "Mother, I feel deeply the many +touching proofs of God's Love for me. I am laden with them . . . +nevertheless, I continue in the deepest gloom! . . . I suffer much +. . . very much! and yet my state is one of profound peace. All my +longings have been realised . . . I am full of confidence." + +Shortly afterwards she told me this touching little incident: "One +evening, during the 'Great Silence,' the Infirmarian brought me a +hot-water bottle for my feet, and put tincture of iodine on my +chest. I was in a burning fever, and parched with thirst, and, +whilst submitting to these remedies, I could not help saying to +Our Lord: 'My Jesus, Thou seest I am already burning, and they +have brought me more heat and fire. Oh! if they had brought me +even half a glass of water, what a comfort it would have been! +. . . My Jesus! Thy little child is so thirsty. But she is glad to +have this opportunity of resembling Thee more closely, and thus +helping Thee to save souls.' The Infirmarian soon left me, and I +did not expect to see her again until the following morning. What +was my surprise when she returned a few minutes later with a +refreshing drink! 'It has just struck me that you may be thirsty,' +she said, 'so I shall bring you something every evening.' I looked +at her astounded, and when I was once more alone, I melted into +tears. Oh! how good Jesus is! how tender and loving! How easy it +is to reach His Heart!" + +. . . . . . . + +On September 6, the little Spouse of Jesus received a touching +proof of the loving thought of His Sacred Heart. She had +frequently expressed a wish to possess a relic of her special +patron, the Venerable Théophane Vénard, but as her desire was not +realised, she said no more. She was quite overcome, therefore, +when Mother Prioress brought her the longed-for treasure--received +that very day. She kissed it repeatedly, and would not consent to +part with it. + +It may be asked why she was so devoted to this young Martyr. She +herself explained the reason in an affectionate interview with her +own sisters: "Théophane Vénard is a _little_ saint; his life was +not marked by anything extraordinary. He had an ardent devotion to +Our Immaculate Mother and a tender love of his own family." +Dwelling on these words she added: "And I, too, love my family +with a tender love; I fail to understand those Saints who do not +share my feelings. As a parting gift I have copied for you some +passages from his last letters home. His soul and mine have many +points of resemblance, and his words do but re-echo my thoughts." + +We give here a copy of that letter, which one might have believed +was composed by Thérèse herself: + +"I can find nothing on earth that can make me truly happy; the +desires of my heart are too vast, and nothing of what the world +calls happiness can satisfy it. Time for me will soon be no more, +my thoughts are fixed on Eternity. My heart is full of peace, like +a tranquil lake or a cloudless sky. I do not regret this life on +earth. I thirst for the waters of Life Eternal. + +"Yet a little while and my soul will have quitted this earth, will +have finished her exile, will have ended her combat. I go to +Heaven. I am about to enter the Abode of the Blessed--to see what +the eye hath never seen, to hear what the ear hath never heard, to +enjoy those things the heart of man hath not conceived . . . I +have reached the hour so coveted by us all. It is indeed true that +Our Lord chooses the little ones to confound the great ones of +this earth. I do not rely upon my own strength but upon Him Who, +on the Cross, vanquished the powers of hell. + +"I am a spring flower which the Divine Master culls for His +pleasure. We are all flowers, planted on this earth, and God will +gather us in His own good time--some sooner, some later . . . I, +little flower of one day, am the first to be gathered! But we +shall meet again in Paradise, where lasting joy will be our +portion. + +"Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus, using the words of the angelic +martyr--Théophane Vénard." + +Toward the end of September, when something was repeated to her +that had been said at recreation, concerning the responsibility of +those who have care of souls, she seemed to revive a little and +gave utterance to these beautiful words: "To him that is little, +mercy is granted.[11] It is possible to remain _little_ even in +the most responsible position, and is it not written that, at the +last day, 'the Lord will arise to save the meek and lowly ones of +the earth'?[12] He does not say 'to judge,' but 'to save!'" + +As time went on, the tide of suffering rose higher and higher, and +she became so weak, that she was unable to make the slightest +movement without assistance. Even to hear anyone whisper increased +her discomfort; and the fever and oppression were so extreme that +it was with the greatest difficulty she was able to articulate a +word. And yet a sweet smile was always on her lips. Her only fear +was lest she should give her Sisters any extra trouble, and until +two days before her death she would never allow any one to remain +with her during the night. However, in spite of her entreaties, +the Infirmarian would visit her from time to time. On one occasion +she found Thérèse with hands joined and eyes raised to Heaven. +"What are you doing?" she asked; "you ought to try and go to +sleep." "I cannot, Sister, I am suffering too much, so I am +praying. . . ." "And what do you say to Jesus?" "I say nothing--I +only love Him!" + +"Oh! how good God is!" . . . she sometimes exclaimed. "Truly He +must be very good to give me strength to bear all I have to +suffer." One day she said to the Mother Prioress: "Mother, I would +like to make known to you the state of my soul; but I cannot, I +feel too much overcome just now." In the evening Thérèse sent her +these lines, written in pencil with a trembling hand: + +"O my God! how good Thou art to the little Victim of Thy Merciful +Love! Now, even when Thou joinest these bodily pains to those of +my soul, I cannot bring myself to say: 'The anguish of death hath +encompassed me.'[13] I rather cry out in my gratitude: 'I have +gone down into the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no +evil, because Thou, O Lord, art with me.'"[14] + +Her little Mother said to her: "Some think that you are afraid of +death." "That may easily come to pass," she answered; "I do not +rely on my own feelings, for I know how frail I am. It will be +time enough to bear that cross if it comes, meantime I wish to +rejoice in my present happiness. When the Chaplain asked me if I +was resigned to die, I answered: 'Father, I need rather to be +resigned to live--I feel nothing but joy at the thought of death.' +Do not be troubled, dear Mother, if I suffer much and show no sign +of happiness at the end. Did not Our Lord Himself die 'a Victim of +Love,' and see how great was His Agony!" + +. . . . . . . + +At last dawned the eternal day. It was Thursday, September 30, +1897. In the morning, the sweet Victim, her eyes fixed on Our +Lady's statue, spoke thus of her last night on earth: "Oh! with +what fervour I have prayed to her! . . . And yet it has been pure +agony, without a ray of consolation. . . . Earth's air is failing +me: when shall I breathe the air of Heaven?" + +For weeks she had been unable to raise herself in bed, but, at +half-past two in the afternoon, she sat up and exclaimed: "Dear +Mother, the chalice is full to overflowing! I could never have +believed that it was possible to suffer so intensely. . . . I can +only explain it by my extreme desire to save souls. . . ." And a +little while after: "Yes, all that I have written about my thirst +for suffering is really true! I do not regret having surrendered +myself to Love." + +She repeated these last words several times. A little later she +added: "Mother, prepare me to die well." The good Mother Prioress +encouraged her with these words: "My child, you are quite ready to +appear before God, for you have always understood the virtue of +humility." Then, in striking words, Thérèse bore witness to +herself: + +"Yes, I feel it; my soul has ever sought the truth. . . . I have +understood humility of heart!" + +. . . . . . . + +At half-past four, her agony began--the agony of this "Victim of +Divine Love." When the Community gathered round her, she thanked +them with the sweetest smile, and then, completely given over to +love and suffering, the Crucifix clasped in her failing hands, she +entered on the final combat. The sweat of death lay heavy on her +brow . . . she trembled . . . but, as a pilot, when close to +harbour, is not dismayed by the fury of the storm, so this soul, +strong in faith, saw close at hand the beacon-lights of Heaven, +and valiantly put forth every effort to reach the shore. + +As the convent bells rang the evening Angelus, she fixed an +inexpressible look upon the statue of the Immaculate Virgin, the +Star of the Sea. Was it not the moment to repeat her beautiful +prayer: + +"O thou who camest to smile on me in the morn of my life, come +once again and smile, Mother, for now it is eventide!"[15] + +A few minutes after seven, turning to the Prioress, the poor +little Martyr asked: "Mother, is it not the agony? . . . am I not +going to die?" "Yes, my child, it is the agony, but Jesus perhaps +wills that it be prolonged for some hours." In a sweet and +plaintive voice she replied: "Ah, very well then . . . very well +. . . I do not wish to suffer less!" + +Then, looking at her crucifix: + +"Oh! . . . I love Him! . . . My God, I . . . love . . . Thee!" + +These were her last words. She had scarcely uttered them when, to +our great surprise, she sank down quite suddenly, her head +inclined a little to the right, in the attitude of the Virgin +Martyrs offering themselves to the sword; or rather, as a Victim +of Love, awaiting from the Divine Archer the fiery shaft, by which +she longs to die. + +Suddenly she raised herself, as though called by a mysterious +voice; and opening her eyes, which shone with unutterable +happiness and peace, fixed her gaze a little above the statue of +Our Lady. Thus she remained for about the space of a _Credo,_ when +her blessed soul, now become the prey of the "Divine Eagle," was +borne away to the heights of Heaven. + +. . . . . . . + +A few days before her death, this little Saint had said: "The +death of Love which I so much desire is that of Jesus upon the +Cross." Her prayer was fully granted. Darkness enveloped her, and +her soul was steeped in anguish. And yet, may we not apply to her +also that sublime prophecy of St. John of the Cross, referring to +souls consumed by the fire of Divine Love: "They die Victims of +the onslaughts of Love, in raptured ecstasies--like the swan, +whose song grows sweeter as death draws nigh. Wherefore the +Psalmist declared: 'Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death +of His Saints.'[16] For then it is that the rivers of love burst +forth from the soul and are whelmed in the Ocean of Divine Love." + +No sooner had her spotless soul taken its flight than the joy of +that last rapture imprinted itself on her brow, and a radiant +smile illumined her face. We placed a palm-branch in her hand; and +the lilies and roses that adorned her in death were figures of her +white robe of baptism made red by her Martyrdom of Love. + +On the Saturday and Sunday a large crowd passed before the grating +of the nuns' chapel, to gaze on the mortal remains of the "Little +Flower of Jesus." Hundreds of medals and rosaries were brought to +touch the "Little Queen" as she lay in the triumphant beauty of +her last sleep. + +. . . . . . . + +On October 4, the day of the funeral, there gathered in the Chapel +of the Carmel a goodly company of Priests. The honour was surely +due to one who had prayed so earnestly for those called to that +sacred office. After a last solemn blessing, this grain of +priceless wheat was cast into the furrow by the hands of Holy +Mother Church. + +Who shall tell how many ripened ears have sprung forth since, how +many the sheaves that are yet to come? "Amen, amen, I say to you, +unless the grain of wheat, falling into the ground, die, itself +remaineth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit."[17] +Once more the word of the Divine Reaper has been magnificently +fulfilled. + +THE PRIORESS OF THE CARMEL. +_____________________________ + +[1] Dom Guéranger. + +[2] Mother Mary of Gonzaga died Dec. 17, 1904, at the age of 71. +Mother Agnes of Jesus (Pauline) was at that time Prioress. The +former--herself of the line of St. Antony of Padua--recognized in +Soeur Thérèse "an heroic soul, filled with holiness, and capable +of becoming one day an excellent Prioress." With this end in view, +she trained her with a strictness for which the young Saint was +most grateful. In the arms of Mother Mary of Gonzaga the "Little +Flower of Jesus" was welcomed to the Carmel, and in those arms she +died--"happy," she declared, "not to have in that hour as +Superioress her 'little Mother,' in order the better to exercise +her spirit of faith in authority." [Ed.] + +[3] As will be remembered, this was Marie, her eldest sister. [Ed.] + +[4] The Blessed Théophane Vénard was born at St. Loup, in the +diocese of Poitiers, on the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lady, +Nov. 21, 1829. He was martyred at Kecho, Tong-King, on the Feast +of the Presentation of Our Lord, Feb. 2, 1861, at the age of 32. A +long and delightful correspondence with his family, begun in his +college days and completed from his "cage" at Kecho, reveals a +kinship of poesy as well as of sanctity and of the love of home, +between the two "spring flowers." The beauty of his soul was so +visible in his boyish face that he was spared all torture during +his two months in the "cage." In 1909, the year in which Thérèse +became "Servant of God" by the commencement of the Episcopal +Process, her patron received the honours of Beatification. Another +child of France--Joan, its "Martyr-Maid"--whose praises have been +sung in affectionate verse by the Saints of St. Loup and Lisieux, +was beatified that same year. [Ed.] + +[5] An allusion to the obituary notice sent to each of the French +Carmels when a Carmelite nun dies in that country. In the case of +those who die in the odour of sanctity these notices sometimes run +to considerable length. Four notices issued from the Carmel of +Lisieux are of great interest to the clients of Soeur Thérèse, and +are in course of publication at the Orphans' Press, Rochdale; +those of the Carmel's saintly Foundress, Mother Genevieve of St. +Teresa, whose death is referred to in Chapter VIII; Mother Mary of +Gonzaga, the Prioress of Thérèse; Sister Mary of the Eucharist +(Marie Guérin), the cousin of Thérèse (Chapter III); and most +interesting of all, the long sketch, partly autobiographical, of +Mother Mary of St. Angelus (Marie Ange), the "trophy of Thérèse," +brought by her intercession to the Carmel in 1902--where the +writer made her acquaintance in the following spring; she became +Prioress in 1908, dying eighteen months later in the odour of +sanctity, aged only 28. [Ed.] + +[6] Cf. Job 13:15. + +[7] John 3:34. + +[8] When asked before her death how they should pray to her in +Heaven, Soeur Thérèse, with her wonted simplicity, made answer: +"You will call me 'Little Thérèse'--_petite Thérèse."_ And at +Gallipoli, on the occasion of her celebrated apparition in the +Carmel there, when the Prioress, taking her to be St. Teresa of +Avila, addressed her as "our holy Mother," the visitor, adopting +her then official title, replied:--"Nay, I am not our holy +Mother, I am the Servant of God, _Soeur Thérèse of Lisieux_." +This, her own name of Soeur Thérèse, has been retained in the +present edition, unless where it was advisable to set down her +name in full--Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and of the Holy +Face. The name of the "Little Flower," borrowed by her from the +Blessed Théophane Vénard, and used so extensively in the pages of +her manuscript, is the one by which she is best known in +English-speaking lands. [Ed.] + +[9] Cf. Prov. 19:11. + +[10] Matt. 25:49. + +[11] Wisdom 6:7. + +[12] Cf. Ps. 75[76]:10. + +[13] Cf. Ps. 17[18]:5. + +[14] Cf. Ps. 22[23]:4. + +[15] From the last poem written by Soeur Thérèse. + +[16] Ps. 115[116]:15. + +[17] John 12:24, 25. + +_____________________________ + + +COUNSELS AND REMINISCENCES OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE, +THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + +Most of what follows has been gathered from the conversations of +Soeur Thérèse with her novices. Her advice cannot but prove +helpful to souls within the cloister, and likewise to many in the +world who may be attracted by her simple and easy _little way_ to +God. + +* * * * * * + +One of the novices, greatly discouraged at the thought of her +imperfections, tells us that her mistress spoke to her as follows: + +"You make me think of a little child that is learning to stand but +does not yet know how to walk. In his desire to reach the top of +the stairs to find his mother, he lifts his little foot to climb +the first step. It is all in vain, and at each renewed effort he +falls. Well, be like that little child. Always keep lifting your +foot to climb the ladder of holiness, and do not imagine that you +can mount even the first step. All God asks of you is good will. +From the top of the ladder He looks lovingly upon you, and soon, +touched by your fruitless efforts, He will Himself come down, and, +taking you in His Arms, will carry you to His Kingdom never again +to leave Him. But should you cease to raise your foot, you will be +left for long on the earth." + +* * * * * * + +"The only way to advance rapidly in the path of love is to remain +always very little. That is what I did, and now I can sing with +our holy Father, St. John of the Cross: + +'Then I abased myself so low, so very low, That I ascended to such +heights, such heights indeed, That I did overtake the prey I +chased!'" + +* * * * * * + +Under a temptation which seemed to me irresistible, I said to her: +"This time, I cannot surmount it." She replied: "Why seek to +surmount it? Rather pass beneath. It is all well for great souls +to soar above the clouds when the storm rages; we have simply to +suffer the showers. What does it matter if we get wet? We shall +dry ourselves in the sunshine of love. + +"It recalls a little incident of my childhood. One day a horse was +standing in front of the garden gate, and preventing us from +getting through. My companions talked to him and tried to make him +move off, but while they were still talking I quietly slipped +between his legs . . . Such is the advantage of remaining small." + +* * * * * * + +Our Lord said to the mother of the sons of Zebedee: 'To sit on my +right or left hand is for them for whom it is prepared by my +Father.'[1] I imagine that these chosen places, which have been +refused alike to great Saints and Martyrs, will be reserved for +little children; and did not David foretell it when he said, that +'the little Benjamin will preside amidst the assemblies[2] of the +Saints.'" + +* * * * * * + +"You are wrong to find fault with this thing and with that, or to +try and make everyone see things as you see them. We desire to be +'as little children,' and little children do not know what is +best: to them all seems right. Let us imitate their ways. Besides, +there is no merit in doing what reason dictates." + +* * * * * * + +"My patrons and my special favourites in Heaven are those who, so +to speak, stole it, such as the Holy Innocents and the Good Thief. +The great Saints won it by their works; I wish to be like the +thieves and to win it by stratagem--a stratagem of love which will +open its gates both to me and to poor sinners. In the Book of +Proverbs the Holy Ghost encourages me, for He says: 'Come to me, +little one, to learn subtlety!'"[3] + +* * * * * * + +"What would you do if you could begin over again your religious +life?" + +"I think I should do as I have already done." + +"Then you do not share the feeling of the hermit who said: 'While +a quarter of an hour, or even a breath of life still remains to +me, I shall fear the fires of hell even though I should have spent +long years in penance'?" + +"No, I do not share that fear; I am too small. Little children are +not damned." + +"You are ever seeking to be as little children are, but tell us +what must be done to obtain that childlike spirit. 'Remaining +little'--what does it mean?" + +"'Remaining little' means--to recognise one's nothingness, to +await everything from the Goodness of God, to avoid being too much +troubled at our faults; finally, not to worry over amassing +spiritual riches, not to be solicitous about anything. Even +amongst the poor, while a child is still small, he is given what +is necessary; but, once he is grown up, his father will no longer +feed him, and tells him to seek work and support himself. Well, it +was to avoid hearing this, that I have never wished to grow up, +for I feel incapable of earning my livelihood, which is Life +Eternal!" + +* * * * * * + +In imitation of our saintly Mistress I also wished never to grow +up; she called me therefore "the little one," and during a retreat +she wrote to me the following notes: + +"Do not fear to tell Jesus that you love him, even though you may +not feel that love. In this way you will compel Him to come to +your aid, and to carry you like a little child who is too weak to +walk. + +"It is indeed a great source of trial, when everything looks +black, but this does not depend entirely on yourself. Do all in +your power to detach your heart from earthly cares, especially +from creatures; then be assured Our Lord will do the rest. He +could not permit you to fall into the abyss. Be comforted, little +one! In Heaven everything will no longer look black, but dazzling +white. There all will be clothed in the Divine radiance of Our +Spouse--the Lily of the Valley. Together we will follow Him +whithersoever He goeth. Meantime we must make good use of this +life's brief day. Let us give Our Lord pleasure, let us by +self-sacrifice give Him souls! Above all, let us be little--so +little that everyone might tread us underfoot without our even +seeming to suffer pain. + +"I am not surprised at the failures of the little one; she forgets +that in her rôle of missionary and warrior she ought to forgo all +childish consolations. It is wrong to pass one's time in fretting, +instead of sleeping on the Heart of Jesus. + +"Should the little one fear the dark of the night, or complain at +not seeing Him who carries her, let her shut her eyes. It is the +one sacrifice God asks. By remaining thus, the dark will cease to +terrify, because she will not see it, and before long, peace--if +not joy--will re-enter her soul." + +* * * * * * + +To help me accept a humiliation she confided to me what follows: + +"If I had not been received into the Carmel, I would have entered +a Refuge, and lived there unknown and despised among the poor +'penitents.' My joy would have been to pass for one, and I would +have become an apostle among my companions, telling them my +thoughts on the Infinite Mercy of God." + +"But how could you have hidden your innocence from your Confessor?" + +"I would have told him that while still in the world I made a +general confession, and that it was forbidden me to repeat it." + +* * * * * * + +"Oh! When I think of all I have to acquire!" + +"Or rather to lose! It is Jesus Who takes upon Himself to fill +your soul according as you rid it of imperfections. I see clearly +that you are mistaking the road, and that you will never arrive at +the end of your journey. You want to climb the mountain, whereas +God wishes you to descend it. He is awaiting you in the fruitful +valley of humility." + +* * * * * * + +"To me it seems that humility is truth. I do not know whether I am +humble, but I do know that I see the truth in all things." + +* * * * * * + +"Indeed you are a Saint!" + +"No, I am not a Saint. I have never wrought the works of a Saint. +_I am but a tiny soul whom Almighty God has loaded with His +favours._ + +"The truth of what I say will be made known to you in Heaven." + +"But have you not always been faithful to those favours?" + +"Yes, _from the age of three I have never refused our Good God +anything._ Still I cannot glorify myself. See how this evening the +tree-tops are gilded by the setting sun. So likewise my soul +appears to you all shining and golden because it is exposed to the +rays of Love. But should the Divine Sun no longer shine thereon, +it would instantly be sunk in gloom." + +"We too would like to become all golden--what must we do?" + +"You must practise the little virtues. This is sometimes +difficult, but God never refuses the first grace--courage for +self-conquest; and if the soul correspond to that grace, she at +once finds herself in God's sunlight. The praise given to Judith +has always struck me: 'Thou hast done manfully, and thy heart has +been strengthened.'[4] In the onset we must act with courage. By +this means the heart gains strength, and victory follows victory." + +* * * * * * + +In conformity with the Rule, Soeur Thérèse never raised her eyes +in the refectory, and, as I found great difficulty in this +observance, she composed for me the following prayer. It reveals +her exceeding humility, because in it she asked a grace of which I +alone stood in need: + +"O Jesus, in honour and in imitation of the example Thou gavest in +the house of Herod, Thy two little Spouses resolve to keep their +eyes cast down in the refectory. When that impious king scoffed at +Thee, O Infinite Beauty, no complaint came from Thy Lips. Thou +didst not even deign to fix on him Thy Adorable Eyes. He was not +worthy of the favour, but we who are Thy Spouses, we desire to +draw Thy Divine Gaze upon ourselves. As often as we refrain from +raising our eyes, we beg Thee to reward us by a glance of love, +and we even dare ask Thee not to refuse this sweet glance when we +fail in our self-control, for we will humble ourselves most +sincerely before Thee." + +* * * * * * + +I confided to her that I made no progress, and that consequently I +had lost heart. + +"Up to the age of fourteen," she said, "I practised virtue without +tasting its sweetness. I desired suffering, but I did not think of +making it my joy; that grace was vouchsafed me later. My soul was +like a beautiful tree the flowers of which had scarcely opened +when they fell. + +"Offer to God the sacrifice of never gathering any fruit. If He +will that throughout your whole life you should feel a repugnance +to suffering and humiliation--if He permit that all the flowers of +your desires and of your good will should fall to the ground +without any fruit appearing, do not worry. At the hour of death, +in the twinkling of an eye, He will cause fair fruits to ripen on +the tree of your soul. + +"We read in the Book of Ecclesiasticus: 'There is an inactive man +that wanteth help, is very weak in ability, and full of poverty: +yet the Eye of God hath looked upon him for good, and hath lifted +him up from his low estate, and hath exalted his head: and many +have wondered at him, and have glorified God. . . . Trust in God, +and stay in thy place. For it is easy in the Eyes of God, on a +sudden, to make the poor man rich. The blessing of God maketh +haste to reward the just, and in a swift hour His blessing beareth +fruit.'"[5] + +"But if I fall, I shall always be found imperfect; whereas you are +looked upon as holy." + +"That is, perhaps, because I have never desired to be considered +so. . . . But that you should be found imperfect is just what is +best. Here is your harvest. To believe oneself imperfect and +others perfect--this is true happiness. Should earthly creatures +think you devoid of holiness, they rob you of nothing, and you are +none the poorer: it is they who lose. For is there anything more +sweet than the inward joy of thinking well of our neighbour? + +"As for myself I am glad and rejoice, not only when I am looked +upon as imperfect, but above all when I feel that it is true. +Compliments, on the contrary, do but displease me." + +* * * * * * + +"God has a special love for you since He entrusts souls to your +care." + +"That makes no difference, and I am really only what I am in His +Eyes. It is not because He wills me to be His interpreter among +you, that He loves me more; rather, He makes me your little +handmaid. It is for you, and not for myself, that He has bestowed +upon me those charms and those virtues which you see. + +"I often compare myself to a little bowl filled by God with good +things. All the kittens come to eat from it, and they sometimes +quarrel as to which will have the largest share. But the Holy +Child Jesus keeps a sharp watch. 'I am willing you should feed +from My little bowl,' He says, 'but take heed lest you upset and +break it.' + +"In truth there is no great danger, because I am already on the +ground. Not so with Prioresses; set, as they are, on tables, they +run far more risks. Honours are always dangerous. What poisonous +food is served daily to those in high positions! What deadly fumes +of incense! A soul must be well detached from herself to pass +unscathed through it all." + +* * * * * * + +"It is a consolation for you to do good and to procure the Glory +of God. I wish I were equally favoured." + +"What if God does make use of me, rather than of another, to +procure His Glory! Provided His Kingdom be established among +souls, the instrument matters not. Besides, He has no need of +anyone. + +"Some time ago I was watching the flicker, almost invisible, of a +tiny night-light, when one of the Sisters drew near, and, lighting +her candle in the dying flame, passed it round to light all those +of the Community. 'Who dare glory in his own good works?' I +reflected. 'From one faint spark such as this, it would be +possible to set the whole earth on fire.' We often think we +receive graces and are divinely illumined by means of brilliant +candles. But from whence comes their light? From the prayers, +perhaps, of some humble, hidden soul, whose inward shining is not +apparent to human eyes; a soul of unrecognised virtue and, in her +own sight, of little value--a dying flame. + +"What mysteries will yet be unveiled to us! I have often thought +that perhaps I owe all the graces with which I am laden, to some +little soul whom I shall know only in Heaven. + +"It is God's Will that in this world souls shall dispense to each +other, by prayer, the treasures of Heaven, in order that when they +reach their Everlasting Home they may love one another with +grateful hearts, and with an affection far in excess of that which +reigns in the most perfect family on earth. + +"There no looks of indifference will meet us, because all the +Saints will be mutually indebted to each other. No envious glances +will be cast, for the happiness of each one of the Blessed will be +the happiness of all. With the Doctors of the Church we shall be +like unto Doctors; with the Martyrs, like unto Martyrs; with the +Virgins, like unto Virgins; and just as the members of one family +are proud one of the other, so without the least jealousy shall we +take pride in our brothers and sisters. + +"When we see the glory of the great Saints, and know that through +the secret working of Providence we have contributed to it, who +knows whether the joy we shall feel will not be as intense, +perhaps sweeter, than the happiness they themselves possess? + +"And do you not think that the great Saints, on their side, seeing +what they owe to all little souls, will love them with a love +beyond compare? The friendships of Paradise will be both sweet and +full of surprise, of this I am certain. The familiar friend of an +Apostle, or of a great Doctor of the Church, may be a shepherd +boy, and a simple little child may be united in closest intimacy +with a Patriarch. . . . I long to enter that Kingdom of Love!" + +* * * * * * + +"Believe me, the writing of pious books, the composing of the +sublimest poetry, all that does not equal the smallest act of +self-denial. When, however, our inability to do good gives us +pain, our only resource is to offer up the good works of others, +and in this lies the benefit of the Communion of Saints. Recall to +mind that beautiful verse of the canticle of our Father, St. John +of the Cross: + +'Return, my dove! See on the height The wounded Hart, To whom +refreshment brings The breeze, stirred by thy wings.' + +"Thus the Spouse, the wounded Hart, is not attracted by the +height, but only by the breeze from the pinions of the dove--a +breeze which one single stroke of wing is sufficient to create." + +* * * * * * + +"The one thing which is not open to envy is the lowest place. Here +alone, therefore, there is neither vanity nor affliction of +spirit. Yet, 'the way of a man is not his own,'[6] and sometimes +we find ourselves wishing for what dazzles. In that hour let us in +all humility take our place among the imperfect, and look upon +ourselves as little souls who at every instant need to be upheld +by the goodness of God. From the moment He sees us fully convinced +of our nothingness, and hears us cry out: 'My foot stumbles, Lord, +but Thy Mercy is my strength,'[7] He reaches out His Hand to us. +But, should we attempt great things, even under pretext of zeal, +He deserts us. It suffices, therefore, to humble ourselves, to +bear with meekness our imperfections. Herein lies--for us--true +holiness." + +* * * * * * + +One day I was complaining of being more tired than my Sisters, +for, besides the ordinary duties, I had other work unknown to the +rest. Soeur Thérèse replied: + +"I should like always to see you a brave soldier, never grumblng +at hardships, but considering the wounds of your companions as +most serious, and your own as mere scratches. You feel this +fatigue so much because no one is aware of it. + +"Now the Blessed Margaret Mary, at the time she had two whitlows, +confessed that she really suffered from the hidden one only. The +other, which she was unable to hide, excited her Sisters' pity and +made her an object of compassion. This is indeed a very natural +feeling, the desire that people should know of our aches and +pains, but in giving way to it we play the coward." + +* * * * * * + +"When we are guilty of a fault we must never attribute it to some +physical cause, such as illness or the weather. We must ascribe it +to our own imperfections, without being discouraged thereby. +'Occasions do not make a man frail, but show what he is.'"[8] + +* * * * * * + +"God did not permit that our Mother should tell me to write my +poems as soon as I had composed them, and, fearful of committing a +sin against poverty, I would not ask leave. I had therefore to +wait for some free time, and at eight o'clock in the evening I +often found it extremely difficult to remember what I had composed +in the morning. + +"True, these trifles are a species of martyrdom; but we must be +careful not to alleviate the pain of the martyrdom by permitting +ourselves, or securing permission for, a thousand and one things +which would tend to make the religious life both comfortable and +agreeable." + +* * * * * * + +One day, as I was in tears, Soeur Thérèse told me to avoid the +habit of allowing others to see the trifles that worried me, +adding that nothing made community life more trying than +unevenness of temper. + +"You are indeed right," I answered, "such was my own thought. +Henceforward my tears will be for God alone. I shall confide my +worries to One Who will understand and console me." + +"Tears for God!" she promptly replied, "that must not be. Far less +to Him than to creatures ought you to show a mournful face. Our +Divine Master has only our monasteries where He may obtain some +solace for His Heart. He comes to us in search of rest--to forget +the unceasing complaints of His friends in the world, who, instead +of appreciating the value of the Cross, receive it far more often +with moans and tears. Would you then be as the mediocre souls? +Frankly, this is not disinterested love. . . . _It is for us to +console our Lord, and not for Him to console us._ His Heart is so +tender that if you cry He will dry your tears; but thereafter He +will go away sad, since you did not suffer Him to repose +tranquilly within you. Our Lord loves the glad of heart, the +children that greet Him with a smile. When will you learn to hide +your troubles from Him, or to tell Him gaily that you are happy to +suffer for Him?" + +"The face is the mirror of the soul," she said once, "and yours, +like that of a contented little child, should always be calm and +serene. Even when alone, be cheerful, remembering always that you +are in the sight of the Angels." + +* * * * * * + +I was anxious she should congratulate me on what, in my eyes, was +an heroic act of virtue; but she said to me: + +"Compare this little act of virtue with what our Lord has the +right to expect of you! Rather should you humble yourself for +having lost so many opportunities of proving your love." + +Little satisfied with this answer, I awaited an opportunity of +finding out how Soeur Thérèse herself would act under trial, and +the occasion was not long in coming. Reverend Mother asked us to +do some extremely tiring work which bristled with difficulties, +and, on purpose, I made it still more difficult for our Mistress. + +Not for one second, however, could I detect her in fault, and, +heedless of the fatigue involved, she remained gracious and +amiable, eager throughout to help others at her own expense. At +last I could resist no longer, and I confessed to her what my +thoughts had been. + +"How comes it," I said, "that you can be so patient? You are ever +the same--calm and full of joy." "It was not always the case with +me," she replied, "but since I have abandoned all thought of +self-seeking, I live the happiest life possible." + +* * * * * * + +Our dear Mistress used to say that during recreation, more than at +any other time, we should find opportunities for practising virtue. + +"If your desire be to draw great profit, do not go with the idea +of procuring relaxation, but rather with the intention of +entertaining others and practising complete detachment from self. +Thus, for instance, if you are telling one of the Sisters +something you think entertaining, and she should interrupt to tell +you something else, show yourself interested, even though in +reality her story may not interest you in the least. Be careful, +also, not to try to resume what you were saying. In this way you +will leave recreation filled with a great interior peace and +endowed with fresh strength for the practice of virtue, because +you have not sought to please yourself, but others. If only we +could realise what we gain by self-denial in all things!" + +"You realise it, certainly, for you have always practised +self-denial." + +"Yes, I have forgotten myself, and I have tried not to see myself +in anything." + +* * * * * * + +"When some one knocks at our door, or when we are rung for, we +must practise mortification and refrain from doing even another +stitch before answering. I have practised this myself, and I +assure you that it is a source of peace." + +After this advice, and according as occasion offered, I promptly +answered every summons. One day, during her illness, she was +witness of this, and said: + +"At the hour of death you will be very happy to find this to your +account. You have just done something more glorious than if, +through clever diplomacy, you had procured the good-will of the +Government for all religious communities and had been proclaimed +throughout France as a second Judith." + +* * * * * * + +Questioned as to her method of sanctifying meals, she answered: + +"In the refectory we have but one thing to do: perform a lowly +action with lofty thoughts. I confess that the sweetest +aspirations of love often come to me in the refectory. Sometimes I +am brought to a standstill by the thought that were Our Lord in my +place He would certainly partake of those same dishes which are +served to me. It is quite probable that during His lifetime He +tasted of similar food--He must have eaten bread and fruit. + +"Here are my little rubrics: + +"I imagine myself at Nazareth, in the house of the Holy Family. +If, for instance, I am served with salad, cold fish, wine, or +anything pungent in taste, I offer it to St. Joseph. To our +Blessed Lady I offer hot foods and ripe fruit, and to the Infant +Jesus our feast-day fare, especially rice and preserves. Lastly, +when I am served a wretched dinner I say cheerfully: 'To-day, my +little one, it is all for you!'" + +Thus in many pretty ways she hid her mortifications. One fast-day, +however, when our Reverend Mother ordered her some special food, I +found her seasoning it with wormwood because it was too much to +her taste. On another occasion I saw her drinking very slowly a +most unpleasant medicine. "Make haste," I said, "drink it off at +once!" "Oh, no!" she answered; "must I not profit of these small +opportunities for penance since the greater ones are forbidden me?" + +Toward the end of her life I learned that, during her noviciate, +one of our Sisters, when fastening the scapular for her, ran the +large pin through her shoulder, and for hours she bore the pain +with joy. On another occasion she gave me proof of her interior +mortification. I had received a most interesting letter which was +read aloud at recreation, during her absence. In the evening she +expressed the wish to read it, and I gave it to her. Later on, +when she returned it, I begged her to tell me what she thought of +one of the points of the letter which I knew ought to have charmed +her. She seemed rather confused, and after a pause she answered: +"God asked of me the sacrifice of this letter because of the +eagerness I displayed the other day . . . so I have not read it." + +* * * * * * + +When speaking to her of the mortifications of the Saints, she +remarked: "It was well that Our Lord warned us: 'In My Father's +House there are many mansions, otherwise I would have told +you.'[9] For, if every soul called to perfection were obliged to +perform these austerities in order to enter Heaven, He would have +told us, and we should have willingly undertaken them. But He has +declared that, 'there are many mansions in His House.' If there +are some for great souls, for the Fathers of the Desert and for +Martyrs of penance, there must also be one for little children. +And in that one a place is kept for us, if we but love Him dearly +together with Our Father and the Spirit of Love." + +* * * * * * + +"While in the world, I used, on waking, to think of all the +pleasant or unpleasant things which might happen throughout the +day, and if I foresaw nothing but worries I got up with a heavy +heart. Now it is quite the reverse. I think of the pains and of +the sufferings awaiting me, and I rise, feeling all the more +courageous and light of heart in proportion to the opportunities I +foresee of proving my love for Our Lord, and of gaining--mother of +souls as I am--my children's livelihood. Then I kiss my crucifix, +and, laying it gently on my pillow, I leave it there while I +dress, and I say: 'My Jesus, Thou hast toiled and wept enough +during Thy three-and-thirty years on this miserable earth. Rest +Thee, to-day! It is my turn to suffer and to fight.'" + +* * * * * * + +One washing-day I was sauntering towards the laundry, and looking +at the flowers as I passed. Soeur Thérèse was following, and +quickly overtook me: "Is that," she said quietly, "how people +hurry themselves when they have children, and are obliged to work +to procure them food?" + +* * * * * * + +"Do you know which are my Sundays and feast-days? They are the +days on which God tries me the most." + +* * * * * * + +I was distressed at my want of courage, and Soeur Thérèse said to +me: "You are complaining of what should be your greatest +happiness. If you fought only when you felt eagerness, where would +be your merit? What does it matter, even if you are devoid of +courage, provided you act as though you possessed it? If you feel +too lazy to pick up a bit of thread, and yet do so for love of +Jesus, you acquire more merit than for a much nobler action done +in a moment of fervour. Instead of grieving, be glad that, by +allowing you to feel your own weakness, Our Lord is furnishing you +with an opportunity of saving a greater number of souls." + +* * * * * * + +I asked her whether Our Lord were not displeased at the sight of +my many failings. This was her answer: "Be comforted, for He Whom +you have chosen as your Spouse has every imaginable perfection; +but--dare I say it?--He has one great infirmity too--He is blind! +And there is a science about which He knows nothing--addition! +These two great defects, much to be deplored in an earthly +bridegroom, do but make ours infinitely more lovable. Were it +necessary that He should be clear-sighted, and familiar with the +science of figures, do you not think that, confronted with our +many sins, He would send us back to our nothingness? But His Love +for us makes him actually blind. + +"If the greatest sinner on earth should repent at the moment of +his death, and draw His last breath in an act of love, neither the +many graces he had abused, nor the multiplied crimes he had +committed, would stand in his way. Our Lord would see nothing, +count nothing, but the sinner's last prayer, and without delay He +would receive him into the arms of His Mercy. + +"But, to make Him thus blind and to prevent Him doing the smallest +sum of addition, we must approach Him through His Heart--on that +side He is vulnerable and defenceless." + +* * * * * * + +I had grieved her, and had gone to ask her pardon: "If you but +knew what I feel!" she exclaimed. "Never have I more clearly +understood the love with which Jesus receives us when we seek His +forgiveness. If I, His poor little creature, feel so tenderly +towards you when you come back to me, what must pass through Our +Lord's Divine Heart when we return to Him? Far more quickly than I +have just done will He blot out our sins from His memory. . . . +Nay, He will even love us more tenderly than before we fell." + +* * * * * * + +I had an immense dread of the judgments of God, and no argument of +Soeur Thérèse could remove it. One day I put to her the following +objection: "It is often said to us that in God's sight the angels +themselves are not pure. How, therefore, can you expect me to be +otherwise than filled with fear?" + +She replied: "There is but one means of compelling God not to +judge us, and it is--to appear before Him empty-handed." "And how +can that be done?" "It is quite simple: lay nothing by, spend your +treasures as you gain them. Were I to live to be eighty, I should +always be poor, because I cannot economise. All my earnings are +immediately spent on the ransom of souls. + +"Were I to await the hour of death to offer my trifling coins for +valuation, Our Lord would not fail to discover in them some base +metal, and they would certainly have to be refined in Purgatory. +Is it not recorded of certain great Saints that, on appearing +before the Tribunal of God, their hands laden with merit, they +have yet been sent to that place of expiation, because in God's +Eyes all our justice is unclean?" + +"But," I replied, "if God does not judge our good actions, He will +judge our bad ones." "Do not say that! Our Lord is Justice itself, +and if He does not judge our good actions, neither will He judge +our bad ones. It seems to me, that for Victims of Love there will +be no judgment. God will rather hasten to reward with eternal +delights His own Love which He will behold burning in their +hearts." + +"To enjoy such a privilege, would it suffice to repeat that Act of +Oblation which you have composed?" "Oh, no! words do not suffice. +To be a true Victim of Love we must surrender ourselves entirely. +. . . _Love will consume us only in the measure of our +self-surrender."_ + +* * * * * * + +I was grieving bitterly over a fault I had committed. "Take your +Crucifix," she said, "and kiss it." I kissed the Feet. + +"Is that how a child kisses its father? Throw your arms at once +round His Neck and kiss His Face." When I had done so, she +continued: "That is not sufficient--He must return your caress." I +had to press the Crucifix to both my cheeks, whereupon she added: +"Now, all is forgiven." + +* * * * * * + +I told her one day that if I must be reproached I preferred +deserving it to being unjustly accused. "For my part," she +replied, "I prefer to be charged unjustly, because, having nothing +to reproach myself with, I offer gladly this little injustice to +God. Then, humbling myself, I think how easily I might have +deserved the reproach. The more you advance, the fewer the +combats; or rather, the more easy the victory, because the good +side of things will be more visible. Then your soul will soar +above creatures. As for me, I feel utterly indifferent to all +accusations because I have learned the hollowness of human +judgment." + +She added further: "When misunderstood and judged unfavourably, +what benefit do we derive from defending ourselves? Leave things +as they are, and say nothing. It is so sweet to allow ourselves to +be judged anyhow, rightly or wrongly. + +"It is not written in the Gospel that Saint Mary Magdalen put +forth excuses when charged by her sister with sitting idle at Our +Lord's Feet. She did not say: 'Martha, if you knew the happiness +that is mine and if you heard the words that I hear, you too would +leave everything to share my joy and my repose.' No, she preferred +to keep silent. . . . Blessed silence which giveth such peace to +the soul!" + +* * * * * * + +At a moment of temptation and struggle I received this note: "'The +just man shall correct me in mercy and shall reprove me; but let +not the oil of the sinner perfume my head.'[10] It is only by the +just that I can be either reproved or corrected, because all my +Sisters are pleasing to God. It is less bitter to be rebuked by a +sinner than by a just man; but through compassion for sinners, to +obtain their conversion, I beseech Thee, O my God, to permit that +I may be well rebuked by those just souls who surround me. I ask +also that the _oil of praise,_ so sweet to our nature, _may not +perfume my head,_ that is to say, my mind, by making me believe +that I possess virtues when I have merely performed a few good +actions. + +"Jesus! 'Thy Name is as oil poured out,'[11] and it is into this +divine perfume that I desire wholly to plunge myself, far from the +gaze of mankind." + +* * * * * * + +"It is not playing the game to argue with a Sister that she is in +the wrong, even when it is true, because we are not answerable for +her conduct. We must not be _Justices of the peace,_ but _Angels +of peace_ only." + +* * * * * * + +"You give yourselves up too much to what you are doing," she used +to say to us; "you worry about the future as though it were in +your hands. Are you much concerned at this moment as to what is +happening in other Carmelite convents, and whether the nuns there +are busy or otherwise? Does their work prevent you praying or +meditating? Well, just in the same way, you ought to detach +yourselves from your own personal labours, conscientiously +spending on them the time prescribed, but with perfect freedom of +heart. We read that the Israelites, while building the walls of +Jerusalem, worked with one hand and held a sword in the other.[12] +This is an image of what we should do: avoid being wholly absorbed +in our work." + +* * * * * * + +"One Sunday," Thérèse relates, "I was going toward the chestnut +avenue, full of rejoicing, for it was spring-time, and I wanted to +enjoy nature's beauties. What a bitter disappointment! My dear +chestnuts had been pruned, and the branches, already covered with +buds, now lay on the ground. On seeing this havoc, and thinking +that three years must elapse before it could be repaired, my heart +felt very sore. But the grief did not last long. 'If I were in +another convent,' I reflected, 'what would it matter to me if the +chestnut-trees of the Carmel at Lisieux were entirely cut down?' I +will not worry about things that pass. God shall be my all. I will +take my walks in the wooded groves of His Love, whereon none dare +lay hands." + +* * * * * * + +A novice asked her Sisters to help her shake some blankets. As +they were somewhat liable to tear because of their worn condition, +she insisted, rather sharply, on their being handled with care. +"What would you do," said Thérèse to the impatient one, "if it +were not your duty to mend these blankets? There would be no +thought of self in the matter, and if you did call attention to +the fact that they are easily torn, it would be done in quite an +impersonal way. In all your actions, you should avoid the least +trace of self-seeking." + +* * * * * * + +Seeing one of our Sisters very much fatigued, I said to Soeur +Thérèse: "It grieves me to see people suffer, especially those who +are holy." She instantly replied: "I do not feel as you do. Saints +who suffer never excite my pity. I know they have strength to bear +their sufferings, and that through them they are giving great +glory to God. But I compassionate greatly those who are not +Saints, and who do not know how to profit by suffering. They +indeed awake my pity. I would strain every nerve to help and +comfort them." + +* * * * * * + +"Were I to live longer, it is the office of Infirmarian that would +most please me. I would not ask for it, but were it imposed +through obedience, I should consider myself highly favoured. I +think I should fulfill its duties with much affection, always +mindful of Our Lord's words: 'I was sick, and you visited Me.'[13] +The infirmary bell should be for you as heavenly music, and you +ought purposely to pass by the windows of the sick that it might +be easy for them to summon you. Consider yourself as a little +slave whom everyone has the right to command. Could you but see +the Angels who from the heights of Heaven watch your combats in +the arena! They are awaiting the end of the fight to crown you and +cover you with flowers. You know that we claim to rank as _little +Martyrs_ . . . . but we must win our palms. + +"God does not despise these hidden struggles with ourselves, so +much richer in merit because they are unseen: 'The patient man is +better than the valiant, and he that ruleth his spirit than he +that taketh cities.'[14] Through our little acts of charity, +practised in the dark, as it were, we obtain the conversion of the +heathen, help the missionaries, and gain for them plentiful alms, +thus building both spiritual and material dwellings for Our +Eucharistic God." + +* * * * * * + +I had seen Mother Prioress showing, as I thought, more confidence +and affection to one of our Sisters than she extended to me. +Expecting to win sympathy, I told my trouble to Soeur Thérèse, and +great was my surprise when she put me the question: "Do you think +you love our Mother very much?" "Certainly! otherwise I should be +indifferent if others were preferred to me." + +"Well, I shall prove that you are absolutely mistaken, and that it +is not our Mother that you love, but yourself. When we really love +others, we rejoice at their happiness, and we make every sacrifice +to procure it. Therefore if you had this true, disinterested +affection, and loved our Mother for her own sake, you would be +glad to see her find pleasure even at your expense; and since you +think she has less satisfaction in talking with you than with +another Sister, you ought not to grieve at being apparently +neglected." + +* * * * * * + +I was distressed at my many distractions during prayers: "I also +have many," she said, "but as soon as I am aware of them, I pray +for those people the thought of whom is diverting my attention, +and in this way they reap benefit from my distractions. . . . I +accept all for the love of God, even the wildest fancies that +cross my mind." + +* * * * * * + +I was regretting a pin which I had been asked for, and which I had +found most useful. "How rich you are," said Thérèse, "you will +never be happy!" + +* * * * * * + +The grotto of the Holy Child was in her charge, and, knowing that +one of our Mothers greatly disliked perfumes, she never put any +sweet-smelling flowers there, not even a tiny violet. This cost +her many a real sacrifice. One day, just as she had placed a +beautiful artificial rose at the foot of the statue, the Mother +called her. Soeur Thérèse, surmising that it was to bid her remove +the rose, was anxious to spare her any humiliation. She therefore +took the flower to the good Sister, and, forestalling all +observations, said: "Look, Mother, how well nature is imitated +nowadays: would you not think this rose had been freshly gathered +from the garden?" + +* * * * * * + +"There are moments," she told us, "when we are so miserable +within, that there is nothing for it but to get away from +ourselves. At those times God does not oblige us to remain at +home. He even permits our own company to become distasteful to us +in order that we may leave it. Now I know no other means of exit +save through the doorway of charitable works, on a visit to Jesus +and Mary." + +* * * * * * + +"When I picture the Holy Family, the thought that does me most +good is--the simplicity of their home-life. Our Lady and St. +Joseph were well aware that Jesus was God, while at the same time +great wonders were hidden from them, and--like us--they lived by +faith. You have heard those words of the Gospel: 'They understood +not the word that He spoke unto them';[15] and those others no +less mysterious: 'His Father and Mother were wondering at those +things which were spoken concerning Him.'[16] They seemed to be +learning something new, for this word 'wondering' implies a +certain amount of surprise." + +* * * * * * + +"There is a verse in the Divine Office which I recite each day +with reluctance: 'I have inclined my heart to do Thy +justifications for ever, because of the reward.'[17] I hasten to +add in my heart: 'My Jesus, Thou knowest I do not serve Thee for +sake of reward, but solely out of love, and a desire to win Thee +souls." + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven only shall we be in possession of the clear truth. On +earth, even in matters of Holy Scripture, our vision is dim. It +distresses me to see the differences in its translations, and had +I been a Priest I would have learned Hebrew, so as to read the +Word of God as He deigned to utter it in human speech." + +* * * * * * + +Soeur Thérèse often spoke to me of a well-known toy with which she +had amused herself when a child. This was the kaleidoscope, shaped +like a small telescope, through which, as it is made to revolve, +one perceives an endless variety of pretty-coloured figures. + +"This toy," she said, "excited my admiration, and I wondered what +could provide so charming a phenomenon, when one day, after a +lengthy examination, I found that it consisted simply of tiny bits +of paper and cloth scattered inside. A further examination +revealed that there were three mirrors inside the tube, and the +problem was solved. It became for me the illustration of a great +truth. + +"So long as our actions, even the most trivial, remain within +Love's kaleidoscope, so long the Blessed Trinity, figured by the +three mirrors, imparts to them a wonderful brightness and beauty. +The eye-piece is Jesus Christ, and He, looking from outside +through Himself into the kaleidoscope, finds perfect all our +works. But, should we leave that ineffable abode of Love, He would +see but the rags and chaff of unclean and worthless deeds." + +* * * * * * + +I told Soeur Thérèse of the strange phenomena produced by +magnetism on persons who surrender their will to the hypnotiser. +It seemed to interest her greatly, and next day she said to me: +"Your conversation yesterday did me so much good! How I long to be +hypnotised by Our Lord! It was my waking thought, and verily it +was sweet to surrender Him my will. I want Him to take possession +of my faculties in such wise that my acts may no more be mine, or +human, but Divine--inspired and guided by the Spirit of Love." + +* * * * * * + +Before my profession I received through my saintly Novice-mistress +a very special grace. We had been washing all day. I was worn-out +with fatigue and harassed with spiritual worries. That night, +before meditation, I wanted to speak to her, but she dismissed me +with the remark: "That is the bell for meditation, and I have not +time to console you; besides, I see plainly that it would be +useless trouble. For the present, God wishes you to suffer alone." +I followed her to meditation so discouraged that, for the first +time, I doubted of my vocation. I should never be able to be a +Carmelite. The life was too hard. + +I had been kneeling for some minutes, when all at once, in the +midst of this interior struggle--without having asked or even +wished for peace--I felt a sudden and extraordinary change of +soul. I no longer knew myself. My vocation appeared to me both +lovely and lovable. I saw the sweetness and priceless value of +suffering. All the privations and fatigues of the religious life +appeared to me infinitely preferable to worldly pleasures, and I +came away from my meditation completely transformed. + +Next day I told my Mistress what had taken place, and, seeing she +was deeply touched, I begged to know the reason. "God is good," +she exclaimed. "Last evening you inspired me with such profound +pity that I prayed incessantly for you at the beginning of +meditation. I besought Our Lord to bring you comfort, to change +your dispositions, and show you the value of suffering. He has +indeed heard my prayers." + +* * * * * * + +Being somewhat of a child in my ways, the Holy Child--to help me +in the practice of virtue--inspired me with the thought of amusing +myself with Him, and I chose the game of _ninepins._ I imagined +them of all sizes and colours, representing the souls I wished to +reach. The ball was--_love._ + +In December, 1896, the novices received, for the benefit of the +Foreign Missions, various trifles towards a Christmas tree, and at +the bottom of the box containing them was a _top_--a rare thing in +a Carmelite convent. My companions remarked: "What an ugly +thing!--of what use will it be?" But I, who knew the game, caught +hold of it, exclaiming: "Nay, what fun! it will spin a whole day +without stopping if it be well whipped"; and thereupon I spun it +around to their great surprise. + +Soeur Thérèse was quietly watching us, and on Christmas night, +after midnight Mass, I found in our cell the famous top, with a +delightful letter addressed as follows: + +_To My Beloved Little Spouse_ + +_Player of Ninepins on the Mountain of Carmel_ + +_Christmas Night, 1896._ + +MY BELOVED LITTLE SPOUSE,--I am well pleased with thee! All the +year round thou hast amused Me by playing at _ninepins._ I was so +overjoyed that the whole court of Angels was surprised and +charmed. Several little cherubs have asked me why I did not make +them children. Others wanted to know if the melody of their +instruments were not more pleasing to me than thy joyous laugh +when a ninepin fell at the stroke of thy love-ball. My answer to +them was, that they must not regret they are not children, since +one day they would play with thee in the meadows of Heaven. I told +them also that thy smiles were certainly more sweet to Me than +their harmonies, because these smiles were purchased by suffering +and forgetfulness of self. + +And now, my cherished Spouse, it is my turn to ask something of +thee. Thou wilt not refuse Me--thou lovest Me too much. Let us +change the game. Ninepins amuse me greatly, but at present I +should like to play at spinning a top, and, if thou dost consent, +thou shalt be the top. I give thee one as a model. Thou seest that +it is ugly to look at, and would be kicked aside by whosoever did +not know the game. But at the sight of it a child would leap for +joy and shout: "What fun! it will spin a whole day without +stopping!" + +Although thou too art not attractive, I--the little Jesus--love +thee, and beg of thee to keep always spinning to amuse Me. True, +it needs a whip to make a top spin. Then let thy Sisters supply +the whip, and be thou most grateful to those who shall make thee +turn fastest. When I shall have had plenty of fun, I will bring +thee to join Me here, and our games shall be full of unalloyed +delight.--Thy little Brother, + +JESUS. + +* * * * * * + +I had the habit of constantly crying about the merest trifles, and +this was a source of great pain to Soeur Thérèse. One day a bright +idea occurred to her: taking a mussel-shell from her painting +table, and, holding my hands lest I should prevent her, she +gathered my tears in the shell, and soon they were turned into +merry laughter. + +"There," she said, "from this onwards I permit you to cry as much +as you like on condition that it is into the shell!" + +A week, however, before her death I spent a whole evening in tears +at the thought of her fast-approaching end. She knew it, and said: +"You have been crying. Was it into the shell?" I was unable to +tell an untruth, and my answer grieved her. "I am going to die," +she continued, "and I shall not be at rest about you unless you +promise to follow faithfully my advice. I consider it of the +utmost importance for the good of your soul." + +I promised what she asked, begging leave, however, as a favour, to +be allowed to cry at her death. "But," she answered, "why cry at +my death? Those tears will certainly be useless. You will be +bewailing my happiness! Still I have pity on your weakness, and +for the first few days you have leave to cry, though afterwards +you must again take up the shell." + +It has cost me some heroic efforts, but I have been faithful. I +have kept the shell at hand, and each time the wish to cry +overcame me, I laid hold of the pitiless thing. However urgent the +tears, the trouble of passing it from one eye to the other so +distracted my thoughts, that before very long this ingenious +method entirely cured me of my sensibility. + +* * * * * * + +Owing to a fault which had caused Soeur Thérèse much pain, but of +which I had deeply repented, I intended to deprive myself of Holy +Communion. I wrote to her of my resolution, and this was her +reply: "Little flower, most dear to Jesus, by this humiliation +your roots are feeding upon the earth. You must now open wide your +petals, or rather lift high your head, so that the Manna of the +Angels may, like a divine dew, come down to strengthen you and +supply all your wants. Good-night, poor little flower! Ask of +Jesus that all the prayers offered for my cure may serve to +increase the fire which ought to consume me." + +* * * * * * + +"At the moment of Communion I sometimes liken my soul to that of a +little child of three or four, whose hair has been ruffled and +clothes soiled at play. This is a picture of what befalls me in my +struggling with souls. But Our Blessed Lady comes promptly to the +rescue, takes off _my soiled pinafore,_ and arranges my hair, +adorning it with a pretty ribbon or a simple flower. . . . Then I +am quite nice, and able, without any shame, to seat myself at the +Banquet of Angels." + +* * * * * * + +In the infirmary we scarcely waited for the end of her +thanksgiving before seeking her advice. At first, this somewhat +distressed her, and she would make gentle reproaches, but soon she +yielded to us, saying: "I must not wish for more rest than Our +Lord. When He withdrew into the desert after preaching, the crowds +would come and intrude upon His solitude. Come, then, to me as +much as you like; I must die sword in hand--'the sword of the +Spirit, which is the Word of God.'"[18] + +* * * * * * + +"Advise us," we said to her, "how to profit by our spiritual +instructions." "Go for guidance with great simplicity, not +counting too much on help which may fail you at any moment. You +would then have to say with the Spouse in the Canticles: 'The +keepers took away my cloak and wounded me; when I had a little +passed by them, I found Him whom my soul loveth.'[19] If you ask +with humility and with detachment after your Beloved, the +_keepers_ will tell you. More often, you will find Jesus only when +you have passed by all creatures. Many times have I repeated this +verse of the Spiritual Canticle of St. John of the Cross: + +'Messengers, I pray, no more Between us send, who know not how To +tell me what my spirit longs to know. For they Thy charms who +read--For ever telling of a thousand more--Make all my wounds to +bleed, While deeper then before Doth an--I know not what!--my +spirit grieve With stammerings vague, and of all life bereave.'" + +* * * * * * + +"If, supposing the impossible, God Himself could not see my good +actions, I would not be troubled. I love Him so much I would like +to give Him joy without His knowing who gave. When He sees the +gift being made, He is, as it were, obliged to make a +return. . . . I should wish to spare Him the trouble." + +* * * * * * + +"Had I been rich, I could never have seen a poor person hungry +without giving him to eat. This is my way also in the spiritual +life. There are many souls on the brink of hell, and as my +earnings come to hand they are scattered among these sinners. The +time has never yet been when I could say: 'Now I am going to work +for myself.'" + +* * * * * * + +"There are people who make the worst of everything. As for me, I +do just the contrary. I always see the good side of things, and +even if my portion be suffering, without a glimmer of solace, +well, I make it my joy." + +* * * * * * + +"Whatever has come from God's Hands has always pleased me, even +those things which have seemed to me less good and less beautiful +than the gifts made to others." + +* * * * * * + +"When staying with my aunt, while I was still a little girl, I was +given a certain book to read. In one of the stories great praise +was bestowed on a schoolmistress who by her tact escaped from +every difficulty without hurting anyone's feelings. Her method of +saying to one person: 'You are right,' and to another: 'You are +not wrong,' struck me particularly, and as I read I reflected that +I would not have acted in that way because we should always tell +the truth. And this I always do, though I grant it is much more +difficult. It would be far less trouble for us, when told of a +worry, to cast the blame on the absent. Less trouble . . . +nevertheless I do just the contrary, and if I am disliked it +cannot be helped. Let the novices not come to me if they do not +want to learn the truth." + +* * * * * * + +"Before a reproof[20] bear fruit it must cost something and be +free from the least trace of passion. Kindness must not degenerate +into weakness. When we have had good reason for finding fault, we +must leave it, and not allow ourselves to worry over having given +pain. To seek out the delinquent for the purpose of consoling her, +is to do more harm than good. Left alone, she is compelled to look +beyond creatures, and to turn to God; she is forced to see her +faults and to humble herself. Otherwise she would become +accustomed to expect consolation after a merited rebuke, and would +act like a spoilt child who stamps and screams, knowing well that +by this means its mother will be forced to return and dry its +tears." + +* * * * * * + +"'Let the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, be ever +in your mouth and in your hearts.'[21] If we find any one +particular person disagreeable we should never be disheartened, +much less cease our endeavour to reform that soul. We should wield +_the sword of the Spirit,_ and so correct her faults. Things +should never be allowed to pass for the sake of our own ease. We +must carry on the war even when there is no hope of victory. +Success matters nothing, and we must fight on and never complain: +'I shall gain nothing from that soul, she does not understand, +there is nothing for it but to abandon her.' That would be the act +of a coward. We must do our duty to the very end." + +* * * * * * + +"Formerly, if any of my friends were in trouble, and I did not +succeed in consoling them when they came to see me, I left the +parlour quite heart-broken. Soon, however, Our Lord made me +understand how incapable I was of bringing comfort to a soul, and +from that day I no longer grieved when my visitors went away +downcast. I confided to God the sufferings of those so dear to me, +and I felt sure that He heard my prayer. At their next visit I +learned that I was not mistaken. After this experience, I no +longer worry when I have involuntarily given pain. . . . I simply +ask Our Lord to make amends." + +* * * * * * + +"What do you think of all the graces that have been heaped upon +you?"--"I think 'the Spirit of God breatheth where He will.'"[22] + +* * * * * * + +"Mother," she one day said to the Prioress, "were I unfaithful, +were I to commit even the smallest infidelity, I feel that my soul +would be plunged into the most terrible anguish, and I should be +unable to welcome death." + +Mother Prioress evinced surprise at hearing her speak in this +strain, and she continued: "I am speaking of infidelity in the +matter of pride. If, for example, I were to say: 'I have acquired +such or such a virtue and I can practise it'; or again: 'My God, +Thou knowest I love Thee too much to dwell on one single thought +against faith,' straightway I should be assailed by the most +dangerous temptations and should certainly yield. To prevent this +misfortune I have but to say humbly and from my heart: 'My God, I +beseech Thee not to let me be unfaithful.' + +"I understand clearly how St. Peter fell. He placed too much +reliance on his own ardent nature, instead of leaning solely on +the Divine strength. Had he only said: 'Lord, give me strength to +follow Thee unto death!' the grace would not have been refused him. + +"How is it, Mother, that Our Lord, knowing what was about to +happen, did not say to him: 'Ask of Me the strength to do what is +in thy mind?' I think His purpose was to give us a twofold +lesson--first: that He taught His Apostles nothing by His presence +which He does not teach us through the inspirations of grace; and +secondly: that, having made choice of St. Peter to govern the +whole Church, wherein there are many sinners, He wished him to +test in himself what man can do without God's help. This is why +Jesus said to him before his fall: 'Thou being once converted +confirm thy brethren';[23] that is, 'Tell them the story of thy +sin--show them by thy own experience, how necessary it is for +salvation to rely solely upon Me.'" + +* * * * * * + +I was much afflicted at seeing her ill, and I often exclaimed: +"Life is so dreary!" "Life is not dreary"--she would immediately +say; "on the contrary, it is most gay. Now if you said: 'Exile is +dreary,' I could understand. It is a mistake to call 'life' that +which must have an end. Such a word should be only used of the +joys of Heaven--joys that are unfading--and in this true meaning +life is not sad but gay--most gay. . . ." + +Her own gaiety was a thing of delight. For several days she had +been much better, and we were saying to her: "We do not yet know +of what disease you will die. . . ." "But," she answered, "I shall +die of death! Did not God tell Adam of what he would die when He +said to him: 'Thou shalt die of death'?"[24] + +"Then death will come to fetch you?"--"No, not death, but the Good +God. Death is not, as pictures tell us, a phantom, a horrid +spectre. The Catechism says that it is the separation of soul and +body--no more! Well, I do not fear a separation which will unite +me for ever to God." + +"Will the _Divine Thief,"_ some one asked, "soon come to steal His +little bunch of grapes?" "I see Him in the distance, and I take +good care not to cry out: 'Stop thief!' Rather, I call to Him: +'This way, this way!'" + +* * * * * * + +Asked under what name we should pray to her in Heaven, she +answered humbly: "Call me _Little Thérèse."_ + +* * * * * * + +I was telling her that the most beautiful angels, all robed in +white, would bear her soul to Heaven: "Fancies like those," she +answered, "do not help me, and my soul can only feed upon truth. +God and His Angels are pure spirits. No human eye can see them as +they really are. That is why I have never asked extraordinary +favours. I prefer to await the Eternal Vision." + +"To console me at your death I have asked God to send me a +beautiful dream."--"That is a thing I would never do . . . ask for +consolations. Since you wish to resemble me, you know what are my +ideas on this: + +'Fear not, O Lord, that I shall waken Thee: I shall await in peace +the Heavenly Shore.' + +"It is so sweet to serve God in the dark night and in the midst of +trial. After all, we have but this life in which to live by faith." + +* * * * * * + +"I am happy at the thought of going to Heaven, but when I reflect +on these words of Our Lord: 'I come quickly, and My reward is with +Me, to render to every man according to his works,'[25] I think +that He will find my case a puzzle: I have no works. . . . Well, +He will render unto me _according to His own works!"_ + +* * * * * * + +"The chief plenary indulgence, which is within reach of everybody, +and can be gained without the ordinary conditions, is that of +charity--which 'covereth a multitude of sins.'"[26] + +* * * * * * + +"Surely you will not even pass through Purgatory. If such a thing +should happen, then certainly nobody goes straight to +Heaven."--"That gives me little thought. I shall be quite content +with the Merciful God's decision. Should I go to Purgatory, I +shall--like the three Hebrew children in the furnace--walk amid +the flames singing the Canticle of Love." + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven you will be placed among the Seraphim." "If so, I shall +not imitate them. At the sight of God _they cover themselves with +their wings_[27]: I shall take good care not to hide myself with +mine." + +* * * * * * + +I showed her a picture which represented Joan of Arc being +comforted in prison by her Voices, and she remarked: "I also am +comforted by an interior voice. From above, the Saints encourage +me, saying: 'So long as thou art a captive in chains, thou canst +not fulfill thy mission, but later on, after thy death, will come +thy day of triumph.'" + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven, God will do all I desire, because on earth I have +never done my own will." + +* * * * * * + +"You will look down upon us from Heaven, will you not?"--"No, I +will come down." + +* * * * * * + +Some months before the death of Soeur Thérèse, _The Life of St. +Aloysius_ was being read in the refectory, and one of the Mothers +was struck by the mutual and tender affection which existed +between the young Saint and the aged Jesuit, Father Corbinelli. + +"You are little Aloysius," she said to Thérèse, "and I am old +Father Corbinelli--be mindful of me when you enter Heaven." "Would +you like me to fetch you thither soon, dear Mother?" "No, I have +not yet suffered enough." "Nay, Mother, I tell you that you have +suffered quite enough." To which Mother Hermance replied: "I dare +not say Yes. . . . In so grave a matter I must have the sanction +of authority." So the request was made to Mother Prioress, who, +without attaching much importance to it, gave her sanction. + +Now, on one of the last days of her life, Soeur Thérèse, scarcely +able to speak owing to her great weakness, received through the +infirmarian a bouquet of flowers. It had been gathered by Mother +Hermance, and was accompanied by an entreaty for one word of +affection. The message: "Tell Mother Hermance of the Heart of +Jesus that during Mass this morning I saw Father Corbinelli's +grave close to that of little Aloysius." + +"That is well," replied the good Mother, greatly touched; "tell +Soeur Thérèse that I have understood. . . ." And from that moment +she felt convinced her death was near. It took place just one year +later, and, according to the prediction of the "Little Aloysius," +the two graves lie side by side. + +* * * * * * + +The last words penned by the hand of Soeur Thérèse were: "O Mary, +were I Queen of Heaven, and wert thou Thérèse, I should wish to be +Thérèse, that I might see thee Queen of Heaven!" +_____________________________ + +[1] Cf. Matt. 20:23. + +[2] Cf. Ps. 67[68]:28. + +[3] Cf. Prov. 1:4. + +[4] Judith 15:11. + +[5] Ecclus. 11:12, 13, 22, 23, 24. + +[6] Jer. 10:23. + +[7] Cf. Psalm 93[94]:18. + +[8] _Imit.,_ I, xvi. 4. + +[9] John 14:2. + +[10] Cf. Psalm 111[112]:5. + +[11] Cant. 1:2. + +[12] Cf. 2 Esdras 4:17. + +[13] Matt. 25:36. + +[14] Prov. 16:32. + +[15] Luke 2:50. + +[16] Luke 2:33. + +[17] Ps. 118[119]:112. + +[18] Ephes. 6:17. + +[19] Cf. Cant. 5:7, 3:4. + +[20] In this and the following "counsel" it should be remembered +that it is a Novice-Mistress who is speaking. [Ed.] + +[21] Cf. Ephes. 6:17; Isaias 61:21. + +[22] Cf. John 3:8. + +[23] Luke 22:32. + +[24] Cf. Gen. 2:17. A play on the French: _Tu mourras de mort._ +[Ed.] + +[25] Apoc. 22:12. + +[26] Prov. 10:12. + +[27] Cf. Isaias 6:2. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE +THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE TO HER SISTER CÉLINE + +I + +J.M.J.T. + +May 8, 1888. + +DEAREST CÉLINE,--There are moments when I wonder whether I am +really and truly in the Carmel; sometimes I can scarcely believe +it. What have I done for God that He should shower so many graces +upon me? + +A whole month has passed since we parted; but why do I say parted? +Even were the wide ocean between us, our souls would remain as +one. And yet I know that not to have me is real suffering, and if +I listened to myself I should ask Jesus to let me bear the sadness +in your stead! I do not listen, as you see; I should be afraid of +being selfish in wishing for myself the better part--I mean the +suffering. You are right--life is often burdensome and bitter. It +is painful to begin a day of toil, especially when Jesus hides +Himself from our love. What is this sweet Friend about? Does He +not see our anguish and the burden that weighs us down? Why does +He not come and comfort us? + +Be not afraid. . . . He is here at hand. He is watching, and it is +He who begs from us this pain, these tears. . . . He needs them +for souls, for our souls, and He longs to give us a magnificent +reward. I assure you that it costs Him dear to fill us with +bitterness, but He knows that it is the only means of preparing us +to know Him as He knows Himself, and to become ourselves Divine! +Our soul is indeed great and our destiny glorious. Let us lift +ourselves above all things that pass, and hold ourselves far from +the earth! Up above, the air is so pure. . . . Jesus may hide +Himself, but we know that He is there. + + +II + +October 20, 1888. + +MY DEAREST SISTER,--Do not let your weakness make you unhappy. +When, in the morning, we feel no courage or strength for the +practice of virtue, it is really a grace: it is the time to "lay +the axe to the root of the tree,"[1] relying upon Jesus alone. If +we fall, an act of love will set all right, and Jesus smiles. He +helps us without seeming to do so; and the tears which sinners +cause Him to shed are wiped away by our poor weak love. Love can +do all things. The most impossible tasks seem to it easy and +sweet. You know well that Our Lord does not look so much at the +greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, as at the +love with which we do them. What, then, have we to fear? + +You wish to become a Saint, and you ask me if this is not +attempting too much. Céline, I will not tell you to aim at the +seraphic holiness of the most privileged souls, but rather to be +"perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect."[2] You see that your +dream--that our dreams and our desires--are not fancies, since +Jesus Himself has laid their realisation upon us as a commandment. + + +III + +January, 1889. + +MY DEAR LITTLE CÉLINE,--Jesus offers you the cross, a very heavy +cross, and you are afraid of not being able to carry it without +giving way. Why? Our Beloved Himself fell three times on the way +to Calvary, and why should we not imitate our Spouse? What a +favour from Jesus, and how He must love us to send us so great a +sorrow! Eternity itself will not be long enough to bless Him for +it. He heaps his favours upon us as upon the greatest Saints. +What, then, are His loving designs for our souls? That is a secret +which will only be revealed to us in our Heavenly Home, on the day +when "the Lord shall wipe away all our tears."[3] + +Now we have nothing more to hope for on earth--"the cool evenings +are passed"[4]--for us suffering alone remains! Ours is an +enviable lot, and the Seraphim in Heaven are jealous of our +happiness. + +The other day I came across this striking passage: "To be resigned +and to be united to the will of God are not the same; there is the +same difference between them as that which exists between union +and unity; in union there are still two, in unity there is but +one."[5] Yes, let us be one with God even in this life; and for +this we should be more than resigned, we should embrace the Cross +with joy. + + +IV + +February 28, 1889. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--Jesus is "a Spouse of blood."[6] He wishes +for Himself all the blood of our hearts. You are right--it costs +us dear to give Him what He asks. But what a joy that it does +cost! It is happiness to bear our crosses, and to feel our +weakness in doing so. + +Céline, far from complaining to Our Lord of this cross which He +sends us, I cannot fathom the Infinite Love which had led Him to +treat us in this way. Our dear Father must indeed be loved by God +to have so much suffering given to him. I know that by humiliation +alone can Saints be made, and I also know that our trial is a mine +of gold for us to turn to account. I, who am but a little grain of +sand, wish to set to work, though I have neither courage nor +strength. Now this very want of power will make my task easier, +for I wish to work for love. Our martyrdom is beginning . . . Let +us go forth to suffer together, dear sister, and let us offer our +sufferings to Jesus for the salvation of souls. + + +V + +March 12, 1899. + +. . . I must forget this world. Here everything wearies me--I find +only one joy, that of suffering, and this joy, which is not one of +sense, is above all joy. Life is passing, and eternity is drawing +near. Soon we shall live the very life of God. After we have been +filled at the source of all bitterness, our thirst will be +quenched at the very Fountain of all sweetness. + +"The figure of this world passeth away"[7]--soon we shall see new +skies--a more radiant sun will light with its splendour crystal +seas and infinite horizons. We shall no longer be prisoners in a +land of exile, all will have passed away, and with our Heavenly +Spouse we shall sail upon boundless seas. Now, "our harps are +hanging on the willows which grow by the rivers of Babylon,"[8] +but in the day of our deliverance what harmonies will they not +give forth, how joyfully shall we make all their strings vibrate! +Now, "we shed tears as we remember Sion, for how can we sing the +songs of the Lord in a land of exile?"[9] The burden of our song +is suffering. Jesus offers us a chalice of great bitterness. Let +us not withdraw our lips from it, but suffer in peace. He who says +_peace_ does not say _joy,_ or at least sensible joy: to suffer in +peace it is enough to will heartily all that Our Lord wills. Do +not think we can find love without suffering, for our nature +remains and must be taken into account; but it puts great +treasures within our reach. Suffering is indeed our very +livelihood, and is so precious that Jesus came down upon earth on +purpose to possess it. We should like to suffer generously and +nobly; we should like never to fall. What an illusion! What does +it matter to me if I fall at every moment! In that way I realise +my weakness, and I gain thereby. My God, Thou seest how little I +am good for, when Thou dost carry me in Thy Arms; and if Thou +leavest me alone, well, it is because it pleases Thee to see me +lie on the ground. Then why should I be troubled? + +If you are willing to bear in peace the trial of not being pleased +with yourself, you will be offering the Divine Master a home in +your heart. It is true that you will suffer, because you will be +like a stranger to your own house; but do not be afraid--the +poorer you are, the more Jesus will love you. I know that He is +better pleased to see you stumbling in the night upon a stony +road, than walking in the full light of day upon a path carpeted +with flowers, because these flowers might hinder your advance. + + +VI + +July 14, 1889. + +MY DARLING SISTER,--I am ever with you in spirit. Yes, it is very +hard to live upon this earth, but to-morrow, in a brief hour, we +shall be at rest. O my God, what shall we then see? What is this +life which will have no end? Our Lord will be the soul of our +soul. O unsearchable mystery! "Eye hath not seen nor ear heard, +neither hath it entered into the heart of man what things God hath +prepared for them that love Him."[10] And all this will come +soon--very soon--if we love Jesus ardently. It seems to me that +God has no need of years to perfect His labour of love in a soul. +One ray from His Heart can in an instant make His flower blossom +forth, never to fade. . . . Céline, during the fleeting moments +that remain to us, let us save souls! I feel that Our Spouse asks +us for souls--above all, for the souls of Priests. . . . It is He +Who bids me tell you this. + +There is but one thing to be done here below: to love Jesus, and +to save souls for Him that He may be more loved. We must not let +slip the smallest opportunity of giving Him joy. We must refuse +Him nothing. He is in such need of love. + +We are His chosen lilies. He dwells as a King in our midst--He +lets us share the honours of His Royalty--His Divine Blood bedews +our petals--and His Thorns as they wound us spread abroad the +perfume of our love. + + +VII + +October 22, 1889. + +MY DEAREST CÉLINE,--I send you a picture of the Holy Face. The +contemplation of this Divine subject seems to me to belong in a +special way to my little sister, truly the sister of my soul. May +she be another Veronica, and wipe away all the Blood and Tears of +Jesus, her only Love! May she give Him souls! May she force her +way through the soldiers--that is, the world--to come close to His +side. . . . Happy will she be when she sees in Heaven the value of +that mysterious draught with which she quenched the thirst of her +Heavenly Spouse; when she sees His Lips, once parched with burning +thirst, speaking to her the one eternal word--love, and the thanks +which shall have no end. . . . + +Good-bye, dear little Veronica;[11] to-morrow, no doubt, your +Beloved will ask some new sacrifice, a fresh relief for His thirst +. . . but "let us go and die with Him!" + + +VIII + +July 18, 1890. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--I send you a passage from Isaias which +will comfort you. Long ago the Prophet's soul was filled with the +thought of the hidden beauties of the Divine Face, as our souls +are now. Many a century has passed since then. It makes me wonder +what is Time. Time is but a mirage, a dream. Already God sees us +in glory, and rejoices in our everlasting bliss. How much good I +derive from this thought! I understand now why He allows us to +suffer. + +Since Our Beloved has "trodden the wine-press alone,"[12] the +wine-press from which He gives us to drink--on our side let us not +refuse to be clothed in blood-stained garments, or to tread out +for Jesus a new wine which may quench His thirst! When "He looks +around Him," He will not be able to say now that "He is +alone"[13]--we shall be there to help Him. + +"His look as it were hidden."[14] Alas! it is so even to this day, +and no one understands His Tears. "Open to Me, My Sister, My +Spouse," he says to us, "for My Head is full of dew and My Locks +of the drops of the night."[15] Thus Jesus complains to our souls +when He is deserted and forgotten . . . _To be forgotten._ It is +this, I think, which gives Him most pain. + +And our dear Father!--it is heartrending, but how can we repine +since Our Lord Himself was looked upon "as one struck by God and +afflicted"?[16] In this great sorrow we should forget ourselves, +and pray for Priests--our lives must be entirely devoted to them. +Our Divine Master makes me feel more and more that this is what He +asks of you and me. + + +IX + +September 23, 1890. + +O Céline, how can I tell you all that is happening within me? What +a wound I have received! And yet I feel it is inflicted by a +loving Hand, by a Hand divinely jealous. + +All was ready for my espousals;[17] but do you not think that +something was still wanting to the feast? It is true, Jesus had +already enriched me with many jewels, but no doubt there was one +of incomparable beauty still missing; this priceless diamond He +has given me to-day . . . Papa will not be here to-morrow! Céline, +I confess that I have cried bitterly. . . . I am still crying so +that I can scarcely hold my pen. + +You know how intensely I longed to see our dearest Father again; +but now I feel that it is God's Will that he should not be at my +feast. God has allowed it simply to try our love. Jesus wishes me +to be an orphan . . . to be alone, with Him alone, so that He may +unite Himself more closely to me. He wishes, too, to give me back +in Heaven this joy so lawfully desired, but which He has denied me +here on earth. + +To-day's trial is one of those sorrows that are difficult to +understand: a joy was set before us, one most natural and easy of +attainment. We stretched forth our hands . . . and the coveted joy +was withdrawn. But it is not the hand of man which has done this +thing--it is God's work. Céline, understand your Thérèse, and let +us accept cheerfully the thorn which is offered us. To-morrow's +feast will be one of tears, but I feel that Jesus will be greatly +consoled. . . . + + +X + +October 14, 1890. + +MY DARLING SISTER,--I know quite well all you are suffering. I +know your anguish, and I share it. Oh! If I could but impart to +you the peace which Jesus has put into my soul amid my most bitter +tears. Be comforted--all passes away. Our life of yesterday is +spent; death too will come and go, and then we shall rejoice in +life, true life, for countless ages, for evermore. Meanwhile let +us make of our heart a garden of delights where Our sweet Saviour +may come and take His rest. Let us plant only lilies there, and +sing with St. John of the Cross: + +"There I remained in deep oblivion, My head reposing upon Him I +love, Lost to myself and all! I cast my cares away And let them, +heedless, mid the lilies lie."[18] + + +XI + +April 26, 1891. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--Three years ago our hearts had not yet +been bruised, and life was one glad smile. Then Jesus looked down +upon us, and all things were changed into an ocean of tears . . . +but likewise into an ocean of grace and of love. God has taken +from us him whom we loved so tenderly--was it not that we might be +able to say more truly than ever: "Our Father Who art in heaven"? +How consoling is this divine word, and what vast horizons it opens +before us! + +My darling Céline, you who asked me so many questions when we were +little, I wonder how it was you never asked: "Why has God not made +me an Angel?" Well, I am going to tell you. Our Lord wishes to +have His Court here on earth, as He has in Heaven; He wishes for +angel-martyrs and angel-apostles; and if He has not made you an +Angel in Heaven, it is because He wishes you to be an Angel of +earth, so that you may be able to suffer for His Love. + +Dearest sister, the shadows will soon disappear, the rays of the +Eternal Sun will thaw the hoar frost of winter. . . . A little +longer, and we shall be in our true country, and our childhood's +joys--those Sunday evenings, those outpourings of the heart--will +be given back to us for ever! + + +XII + +August 15, 1892. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--To write to you to-day I am obliged to +steal a little time from Our Lord. He will forgive, because it is +of Him that we are going to speak together. The vast solitudes and +enchanting views which unfold themselves before you ought to +uplift your soul. I do not see those things, and I content myself +by saying with St. John of the Cross in his Spiritual Canticle: + +In Christ I have the mountains, The quiet, wooded valleys. + +Lately I have been thinking what I could undertake for the +salvation of souls, and these simple words of the Gospel have +given me light. Pointing to the fields of ripe corn, Jesus once +said to His disciples: "Lift up your eyes and see the fields, for +they are already white with the harvest";[19] and again: "The +harvest indeed is great, but the labourers are few; pray ye +therefore the Lord of the harvest that He send forth +labourers."[20] + +Here is a mystery indeed! Is not Jesus all-powerful? Do not +creatures belong to Him who made them? Why does He deign to say: +"Pray ye the Lord of the harvest that He send forth labourers"? It +is because His Love for us is so unsearchable, so tender, that He +wishes us to share in all He does. The Creator of the Universe +awaits the prayer of a poor little soul to save a multitude of +other souls, ransomed, like her, at the price of His Blood. + +Our vocation is not to go forth and reap in Our Father's fields. +Jesus does not say to us: "Look down and reap the harvest." Our +mission is even more sublime. "Lift up your eyes and see," saith +our Divine Master, "see how in Heaven there are empty thrones. It +is for you to fill them. . . . You are as Moses praying on the +mountain, so ask Me for labourers and they shall be sent. I only +await a prayer, a sigh! Is not the apostolate of prayer--so to +speak--higher than that of the spoken word? It is for us by prayer +to train workers who will spread the glad tidings of the Gospel +and who will save countless souls--the souls to whom we shall be +the spiritual Mothers. What, then, have we to envy in the Priests +of the Lord? + + +XIII + +MY DARLING SISTER,--The affection of our childhood days has +changed into a closest union of mind and heart. Jesus has drawn us +to Him together, for are you not already His? He has put the world +beneath our feet. Like Zaccheus we have climbed into a tree to +behold Him--mysterious tree, raising us high above all things, +from whence we can say: "All is mine, all is for me: the Earth and +the Heavens are mine, God Himself is mine, and the Mother of my +God is for me."[21] + +Speaking of that Blessed Mother, I must tell you of one of my +simple ways. Sometimes I find myself saying to her: "Dearest +Mother, it seems to me that I am happier than you. I have you for +my Mother, and you have no Blessed Virgin to love. . . . It is +true, you are the Mother of Jesus, but you have given Him to me; +and He, from the Cross, has given you to be our Mother--thus we +are richer than you! Long ago, in your humility, you wished to +become the little handmaid of the Mother of God; and I--poor +little creature--am not your handmaid but your child! You are the +Mother of Jesus, and you are also _mine!"_ + +Our greatness in Jesus is verily marvellous, my Céline. He has +unveiled for us many a mystery by making us climb the mystical +tree of which I spoke above. And now what science is He going to +teach? Have we not learned all things from Him? + +"Make haste to come down, for this day I must abide in thy +house."[22] Jesus bids us come down. Where, then, must we go? The +Jews asked Him: "Master, where dwellest thou?"[23] And He +answered, "The foxes have holes and the birds of the air nests, +but the Son of Man hath not where to lay His Head."[24] If we are +to be the dwelling-place of Jesus, we must come down even to +this--we must be so poor that we have not where to lay our heads. + +This grace of light has been given to me during my retreat. Our +Lord desires that we should receive Him into our hearts, and no +doubt they are empty of creatures. Alas! mine is not empty of +self; that is why He bids me come down. And I shall come down even +to the very ground, that Jesus may find within my heart a +resting-place for His Divine Head, and may feel that there at +least He is loved and understood. + + +XIV + +April 25, 1893. + +MY LITTLE CÉLINE,--I must come and disclose the desires of Jesus +with regard to your soul. Remember that He did not say: "I am the +flower of the gardens, a carefully-tended Rose"; but, "I am the +Flower of the fields and the Lily of the valleys."[25] Well, you +must be always as a drop of dew hidden in the heart of this +beautiful Lily of the valley. + +The dew-drop--what could be simpler, what more pure? It is not the +child of the clouds; it is born beneath the starry sky, and +survives but a night. When the sun darts forth its ardent rays, +the delicate pearls adorning each blade of grass quickly pass into +the lightest of vapour. . . . There is the portrait of my little +Céline! She is a drop of dew, an offspring of Heaven--her true +Home. Through the night of this life she must hide herself in the +_Field-flower's_ golden cup; no eye must discover her abode. + +Happy dewdrop, known to God alone, think not of the rushing +torrents of this world! Envy not even the crystal stream which +winds among the meadows. The ripple of its waters is sweet indeed, +but it can be heard by creatures. Besides, the Field-flower could +never contain it in its cup. One must be so little to draw near to +Jesus, and few are the souls that aspire to be little and unknown. +"Are not the river and the brook," they urge, "of more use than a +dewdrop? Of what avail is it? Its only purpose is to refresh for +one moment some poor little field-flower." + +Ah! They little know the true _Flower of the field._ Did they know +Him they would understand better Our Lord's reproach to Martha. +Our Beloved needs neither our brilliant deeds nor our beautiful +thoughts. Were He in search of lofty ideas, has He not His Angels, +whose knowledge infinitely surpasses that of the greatest genius +of earth? Neither intellect nor other talents has He come to seek +among us. . . . He has become the _Flower of the field_ to show +how much He loves simplicity. + +_The Lily of the valley_ asks but a single dewdrop, which for one +night shall rest in its cup, hidden from all human eyes. But when +the shadows shall begin to fade, when the _Flower of the field_ +shall have become the _Sun of Justice,_[26] then the dewdrop--the +humble sharer of His exile--will rise up to Him as love's vapour. +He will shed on her a ray of His light, and before the whole court +of Heaven she will shine eternally like a precious pearl, a +dazzling mirror of the Divine Sun. + + +XV + +August 2, 1893. + +MY DEAR CÉLINE,--What you write fills me with joy; you are making +your way by a royal road. The Spouse in the Canticles, unable to +find her Beloved in the time of repose, went forth to seek Him in +the city. But in vain . . . it was only without the walls she +found Him. It is not in the sweetness of repose that Jesus would +have us discover His Adorable Presence. He hides Himself and +shrouds Himself in darkness. True, this was not His way with the +multitude, for we read that all the people were carried away as +soon as He spoke to them. + +The weaker souls He charmed by His divine eloquence with the aim +of strengthening them against the day of temptation and trial, but +His faithful friends were few that day when "He was silent"[27] in +the presence of His judges. Sweet melody to my heart is that +silence of the Divine Master! + +He would have us give Him alms as to a poor man, and puts +Himself--so to speak--at our mercy. He will take nothing that is +not cheerfully given, and the veriest trifle is precious in His +Divine Eyes. He stretches forth His Hand to receive a little love, +that in the radiant day of the Judgment He may speak to us those +ineffably sweet words: "Come, ye blessed of My Father, for I was +hungry and you gave Me to drink, I was a stranger and you took Me +in, I was sick and you visited Me, I was in prison and you came to +Me."[28] + +Dearest Céline, let us rejoice in the lot that is ours! Let us +give and give again, and give royally, never forgetting that Our +Beloved is a hidden Treasure which few souls know how to find. Now +to discover that which is hidden we must needs hide ourselves in +the hiding-place. Let our life, then, be one of concealment. The +author of the _Imitation_ tells us: + +"If thou would'st know and learn something to the purpose, love to +be unknown, and to be esteemed as nothing . . . [29] Having +forsaken all things, a man should forsake himself. . . [30] Let +this man glory in this and another in that, but thou for thy part +rejoice neither in this nor in that, but in the contempt of +thyself."[31] + + +XVI + +MY DEAR CÉLINE,--You tell me that my letters do good to you. I am +indeed glad, but I assure you that I am under no misapprehension: +"Unless the Lord build the house, they labour in vain who build +it."[32] The greatest eloquence cannot call forth a single act of +love without that grace which touches the heart. + +Think of a beautiful peach with its delicate tint of rose, with +its flavour so sweet that no human skill could invent such nectar. +Tell me, Céline, is it for the peach's own sake that God created +that colour so fair to the eye, that velvety covering so soft to +the touch? Is it for itself that He made it so sweet? Nay, it is +for us; the only thing that is all its own and is essential to its +being, is the stone; it possesses nothing beyond. + +Thus also it pleases Jesus to lavish His gifts on certain souls in +order to draw yet others to Himself; in His Mercy He humbles them +inwardly and gently compels them to recognise their nothingness +and His Almighty Power. Now this sentiment of humility is like a +kernel of grace which God hastens to develop against that blessed +day, when, clothed with an imperishable beauty, they will be +placed, without danger, on the banqueting-table of Paradise. Dear +little sister, sweet echo of my soul, Thérèse is far from the +heights of fervour at this moment; but when I am in this state of +spiritual dryness, unable to pray, or to practise virtue, I look +for little opportunities, for the smallest trifles, to please my +Jesus: a smile or a kind word, for instance, when I would wish to +be silent, or to show that I am bored. If no such occasion offer, +I try at least to say over and over again that I love Him. This is +not hard, and it keeps alive the fire in my heart. Even should the +fire of love seem dead, I would still throw my tiny straws on the +ashes, and I am confident it would light up again. + +It is true I am not always faithful, but I never lose courage. I +leave myself in the Arms of Our Lord. He teaches me to draw profit +from everything, from the good and from the bad which He finds in +me.[33] He teaches me to speculate in the Bank of Love, or rather +it is He Who speculates for me, without telling me how He does +it--that is His affair, not mine. I have but to surrender myself +wholly to Him, to do so without reserve, without even the +satisfaction of knowing what it is all bringing to me. . . . After +all, I am not the prodigal child, and Jesus need not trouble about +a feast for me, _because I am always with Him._[34] + +I have read in the Gospel that the Good Shepherd leaves the +faithful ones of His flock in the desert to hasten after the lost +sheep. This confidence touches me deeply. You see He is sure of +them. How could they stray away? They are prisoners of Love. In +like manner does the Beloved Shepherd of our souls deprive us of +the sweets of His Presence, to give His consolations to sinners; +or if He lead us to Mount Thabor it is but for one brief moment +. . . the pasture land is nearly always in the valleys, "it is +there +that He takes His rest at mid-day."[35] + + +XVII + +October 20, 1893. + +MY DEAR SISTER,--I find in the Canticle of Canticles this passage +which may be fitly applied to you: "What dost thou see in thy +beloved but a band of musicians in an armed camp?"[36] Through +suffering, your life has in truth become a battle-field, and there +must be a band of musicians, so you shall be the little harp of +Jesus. But no concert is complete without singing, and if Jesus +plays, must not Céline make melody with her voice? When the music +is plaintive, she will sing the songs of exile; when the music is +gay, she will lilt the airs of her Heavenly Home. . . . + +Whatever may happen, all earthly events, be they happy or sad, +will be but distant sounds, unable to awake a vibration from the +harp of Jesus. He reserves to Himself alone the right of lightly +touching its strings. + +I cannot think without delight of that sweet saint, Cecilia. What +an example she gives us! In the midst of a pagan world, in the +very heart of danger, at the moment when she was to be united to a +man whose love was so utterly of earth, it seems to me as if she +should have wept and trembled with fear. But instead, "during the +music of the marriage-feast Cecilia kept singing in her +heart."[37] What perfect resignation! No doubt she heard other +melodies than those of this world; her Divine Spouse too was +singing, and the Angels repeated in chorus the refrain of +Bethlehem's blessed night: "Glory to God in the highest, and on +earth peace to men of goodwill."[38] + +The Glory of God! St. Cecilia understood it well, and longed for +it with all her heart. She guessed that her Jesus was thirsting +for souls . . . and that is why her whole desire was to bring to +Him quickly the soul of the young Roman, whose only thought was of +human glory. This wise Virgin will make of him a Martyr, and +multitudes will follow in his footsteps. She knows no fear: the +Angels in their song made promise of peace. She knows that the +Prince of Peace is bound to protect her, to guard her virginity, +and to make her recompense. . . . "Oh, how beautiful is the chaste +generation!"[39] + +Dearest sister, I hardly know what I write; I let my pen follow +the dictates of my heart. You tell me that you feel your weakness, +but that is a grace. It is Our Lord Who sows the seeds of distrust +of self in your soul. Do not be afraid! If you do not fail to give +Him pleasure in small things, he will be obliged to help you in +great ones. + +The Apostles laboured long without Him, they toiled a whole night +and caught no fish. Their labours were not inacceptable to him, +but He wished to prove that He is the Giver of all things. So an +act of humility was asked of the Apostles, and Our loving Lord +called to them: "Children, have you anything to eat?"[40] St. +Peter, avowing his helplessness, cried out: "Lord, we have +laboured all the night, and have taken nothing."[41] It is enough, +the Heart of Jesus is touched. . . . Had the Apostle caught some +small fish, perhaps our Divine Master would not have worked a +miracle; but he had caught _nothing,_ and so through the power and +goodness of God his nets were soon filled with great fishes. Such +is Our Lord's way. He gives as God--with divine largesse--but He +insists on humility of heart. + + +XVIII + +July 7, 1894. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--I do not know if you are still in the same +frame of mind as when you last wrote to me; I presume that you +are, and I answer with this passage of the Canticle of Canticles, +which explains so well the state of a soul in utter dryness, a +soul which cannot find joy or consolation in anything: "I went +down into the garden of nut-trees to see the fruits of the +valleys, and to look if the vineyard had flourished, and the +pomegranates were in bud. I no longer knew where I was: my soul +was troubled because of the chariots of Aminadab."[42] + +There is the true picture of our souls. Often we go down in the +fertile valleys where our heart loves to find its nourishment; and +the vast fields of Holy Scripture, which have so often opened to +yield us richest treasures, now seem but an arid and waterless +waste. We no longer even know where we stand. In place of peace +and light, all is sorrow and darkness. But, like the Spouse in the +Canticles, we know the cause of this trial: "My soul was troubled +because of the chariots of Aminadab." We are not as yet in our +true country, and as gold is tired in the fire so must our souls +be purified by temptation. We sometimes think we are abandoned. +Alas! _the chariots_--that is to say, the idle clamours which +beset and disturb us--are they within the soul or without? We +cannot tell, but Jesus knows; He sees all our grief, and in the +night, on a sudden, His Voice is heard: "Return, return, O +Sulamitess: return, return, that we may behold thee."[43] + +O gracious call! We dared no longer even look upon ourselves, the +sight filled us with horror, and Jesus calls us that He may look +upon us at leisure. He wills to see us; He comes, and with Him +come the other two Persons of the Adorable Trinity to take +possession of our soul. + +Our Lord had promised this, when, with unspeakable tenderness, He +had said of old: "If anyone love Me he will keep My word, and My +Father will love him, and We will come to him, and will make Our +abode with him."[44] To keep the word of Jesus, then, is one +condition of our happiness, the proof of our love for Him; and +this word seems to me to be His very Self, for He calls Himself +the Uncreated _Word_ of the Father. + +In the same Gospel of St. John He makes the sublime prayer: +"Sanctify them by Thy word, Thy word is truth."[45] And in another +passage Jesus teaches us that He is "the Way and the Truth and the +Life."[46] We know, then, what is this word which must be kept; we +cannot say, like Pilate: "What is truth?"[47] We possess the +Truth, for our Beloved dwells in our hearts. + +Often _this Beloved is to us a bundle of myrrh._[48] We share the +chalice of His sufferings; but how sweet it will be to us one day +to hear these gentle words: "You are they who have continued with +Me in My temptations, and I dispose to you, as My Father hath +disposed to Me, a kingdom."[49] + + +XIX + +August 19, 1894. + +This is perhaps the last time that I need have recourse to writing +in order to talk to you, my dear little sister. God in His +goodness has granted my dearest wish. Come, and we will suffer +together . . . Then Jesus will take one of us, and the others will +remain in exile yet a little longer. Now, listen well to what I am +going to say: God will never, never separate us; and if I die +before you, do not think that I shall be far away--never shall we +have been more closely united. You must not be grieved at my +childish prophecy. I am not ill, I have an iron constitution; but +the Lord can break iron as if it were clay. + +Our dear Father makes his presence felt in a way which touches me +deeply. After a death lasting for five long years, what joy to +find him as he used to be, nay, more a father than ever! How well +he is going to repay you for the care you so generously bestowed +on him! You were his Angel, now he will be yours. He has only been +one month in heaven, and already, through the power of his +intercession, all your plans are succeeding. It is easy for him +now to arrange matters for us, and he has had less to suffer on +Céline's account than he had for his poor little Queen. + +For a long time you have been asking me for news about the +noviciate, especially about my work, and now I am going to satisfy +you. In my dealings with the novices I am like a setter on the +scent of game. The rôle gives me much anxiety because it so very +exacting. You shall decide for yourself if this be not the case. +All day long, from morn till night, I am in pursuit of game. +Mother Prioress and the Novice Mistress play the part of +sportsmen--but sportsmen are too big to be creeping through the +cover, whereas a little dog can push its way in anywhere . . . and +then its scent is so keen! I keep a close watch upon my little +rabbits; I do not want to do them any harm, but I tell them +gently: "You must keep your fur glossy, and must not look +foolishly about as does a rabbit of the warren." In fact, I try to +make them such as the Hunter of Souls would have them, simple +little creatures that go on browsing heedless of everything else. + +I laugh now, but seriously I am quite convinced that one of these +rabbits--you know which one I mean--is worth a hundred times more +than the setter; it has run through many a danger, and I own that, +had I been in its place, I should have long since been lost for +ever in the great forest of the world. + + +XX + +I am so glad, dearest Céline, that you do not feel any particular +attraction at the thought of entering the Carmel. This is really a +mark of Our Lord's favour, and shows that He looks for a gift from +your hands. He knows that it is so much sweeter to give than to +receive. What happiness to suffer for Him Who loves us even unto +folly, and to pass for fools in the eyes of the world! We judge +others by ourselves, and, as the world will not hearken to reason, +it calls us unreasonable too. + +We may console ourselves, we are not the first. Folly was the only +crime with which Herod could reproach Our Lord . . . and, after +all, Herod was right. Yes, indeed, it was folly to come and seek +the poor hearts of mortal men to make them thrones for Him, the +King of Glory, Who sitteth above the Cherubim! Was He not +supremely happy in the company of His Father and the Holy Spirit +of Love? Why, then, come down on earth to seek sinners and make of +them His closest friends? Nay, our folly could never exceed His, +and our deeds are quite within the bounds of reason. The world may +leave us alone. I repeat, it is the world that is _insane,_ +because it heeds not what Jesus has done and suffered to save it +from eternal damnation. + +We are neither idlers nor spendthrifts. Our Divine Master has +taken our defence upon Himself. Remember the scene in the house of +Lazarus: Martha was serving, while Mary had no thought of food but +only of how she could please her Beloved. And "she broke her +alabaster box, and poured out upon her Saviour's Head the precious +spikenard,[50] and the house was filled with the odour of the +ointment."[51] + +The Apostles murmured against Magdalen. This still happens, for so +do men murmur against us. Even some fervent Catholics think our +ways are exaggerated, and that--with Martha--we ought to wait upon +Jesus, instead of pouring out on Him the odorous ointment of our +lives. Yet what does it matter if these ointment-jars--our +lives--be broken, since Our Lord is consoled, and the world in +spite of itself is forced to inhale the perfumes they give forth? +It has much need of these perfumes to purify the unwholesome air +it breathes. + +For a while only, good-bye, dearest sister. Your barque is near to +port. The breezes filling its sails are the zephyrs of +Love--breezes that speed more swiftly than the lightning-flash. +Good-bye! in a few days we shall be together within these Carmel +walls . . . and in the after days together in Paradise. Did not +Jesus say during His Passion: "Hereafter you shall see the Son of +Man sitting on the right hand of the power of God and coming in +the clouds of heaven"?[52] . . . We shall be there! + +THÉRÈSE. +_____________________________ + +[1] Matt. 3:10. + +[2] Matt. 5:48. + +[3] Apoc. 21:4. + +[4] St. John of the Cross. + +[5] Mme. Swetchine. + +[6] Exodus 4:25. + +[7] I Cor. 7:31. + +[8] Cf. Ps. 136:2. + +[9] Cf. Ps. 136:1, 4. + +[10] I Cor. 2:9. + +[11] It is remarkable that Soeur Thérèse applied this name to her +sister Céline, who, under her inspiration, was later to reproduce +so faithfully the true likeness of Our Lord, from the Holy Winding +Sheet of Turin. [Ed.] [Remainder of long footnote, discussing this +likeness, its reproduction, and related matters, omitted from this +electronic edition.] + +[12] Isa. 63:3. + +[13] Cf. Isa. 63:5. + +[14] Isa. 53:3. + +[15] Cant. 5:2. + +[16] Is. 53:4. + +[17] Soeur Thérèse received the veil on September 24, 1890. + +[18] St. John of the Cross: _The Night of the Soul,_ 8th stanza. + +[19] John 4:35. + +[20] Matt. 9:37, 38. + +[21] St. John of the Cross. + +[22] Luke 19:5. + +[23] John 1:38. + +[24] Luke 9:58. + +[25] Cant. 2:1. + +[26] Malachias 4:2. + +[27] Matt. 26:23. + +[28] Matt. 25:34-36. + +[29] _Imit.,_ Bk. I, ch. ii. 3. + +[30] _Ib.,_ Bk. II, ch. xi. 4. + +[31] _Ib.,_ Bk. III, ch. xlix. 7. + +[32] Ps. 126[127]:1. + +[33] St. John of the Cross. + +[34] Cf. Luke 15:31. + +[35] Cant. 1:6. + +[36] Cf. Cant. 7:1. + +[37] Office of St. Cecilia. + +[38] Luke 2:14. + +[39] Wisdom 4:1. + +[40] John 21:5. + +[41] Luke 5:5. Soeur Thérèse joins in one the two miraculous +draughts of fishes. [Ed.] + +[42] Cf. Cant. 6:10, 11. + +[43] Cant. 6:12. + +[44] John 14:23. + +[45] Cf. John 17:17. + +[46] John 14:6. + +[47] John 18:38. + +[48] Cf. Cant. 1:12. + +[49] Luke 22:28, 29. + +[50] Cf. Mark 14:3. + +[51] John 12:3. + +[52] Matt. 26:64. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO MOTHER AGNES OF JESUS + +Selections + + +I + +(Written in 1887, shortly before Thérèse entered the Carmel.) + +MY DARLING LITTLE MOTHER,--You are right when you tell me that +every cup must contain its drop of gall. I find that trials are a +great help towards detachment from the things of earth: they make +one look higher than this world. Nothing here can satisfy, and we +can find rest only in holding ourselves ready to do God's will. + +My frail barque has great difficulty in reaching port. I sighted +it long since, and still I find myself afar off. Yet Jesus steers +this little barque, and I am sure that on His appointed day it +will come safely to the blessed haven of the Carmel. O Pauline! +when Jesus shall have vouchsafed me this grace, I wish to give +myself entirely to Him, to suffer always for Him, to live for Him +alone. I do not fear His rod, for even when the smart is keenest +we feel that it is His sweet Hand which strikes. + +It is such joy to think that for each pain cheerfully borne we +shall love God more through eternity. Happy should I be if at the +hour of my death I could offer Jesus a single soul. There would be +one soul less in hell, and one more to bless God in Heaven. + + +II + +(Written during her retreat before receiving the habit.) + +January, 1889. + +Dryness and drowsiness--such is the state of my soul in its +intercourse with Jesus! But since my Beloved wishes to sleep I +shall not prevent Him. I am only too happy that He does not treat +me as a stranger, but rather in a homely way. He riddles his +"little ball" with pin-pricks that hurt indeed, though when they +come from the Hand of this loving Friend, the pain is all +sweetness, so gentle in His touch. How different the hand of man! + +Yet I am happy, most happy to suffer! If Jesus Himself does not +pierce me, He guides the hand which does. Mother! If you knew how +utterly indifferent to earthly things I desire to be, and of how +little concern to me are all the beauties of creation. I should be +wretched were I to possess them. My heart seems so vast when I +think of the goods of earth--all of them together unable to fill +it. But by the side of Jesus how small does it appear! He is full +good to me--this God who soon will be my Spouse. He is divinely +lovable for not permitting me to be the captive of any passing +joy. He knows well that if He sent me but a shadow of earthly +happiness I should cling to it with all the intense ardour of my +heart, and He refuses even this shadow . . . He prefers to leave +me in darkness, rather than afford me a false glimmer which would +not be Himself. + +I do not wish creatures to have one atom of my love. I wish to +give all to Jesus, since He makes me understand that He alone is +perfect happiness. All!--all shall be for Him! And even when I +have nothing, as is the case to-night, I will give Him this +nothing . . . + + +III + +1889. + +. . . . . . . + +I have a longing for those heart-wounds, those pin-pricks which +inflict so much pain. I know of no ecstasy to which I do not +prefer sacrifice. There I find happiness, and there alone. The +slender reed has no fear of being broken, for it is planted beside +the waters of Love. When, therefore, it bends before the gale, it +gathers strength in the refreshing stream, and longs for yet +another storm to pass and sway its head. My very weakness makes me +strong. No harm can come to me since, in whatever happens, I see +only the tender Hand of Jesus . . . Besides, no suffering is too +big a price to pay for the glorious palm. + + +IV + +(Written during her retreat before profession.) + +September, 1890. + +MY DEAREST MOTHER,--Your little hermit must give you an account of +her journey. Before starting, my Beloved asked me in what land I +wished to travel, and what road I wished to take. I told him that +I had only one desire, that of reaching the summit of the +_Mountain of Love._ + +Thereupon roads innumerable spread before my gaze, but so many of +these were perfect that I felt incapable of choosing any of my own +free will. Then I said to my Divine Guide: "Thou knowest where +lies the goal of my desire, and for Whose sake I would climb the +Mountain. Thou knowest Who possesses the love of my heart. For Him +only I set out on this journey; lead me therefore by the paths of +His choosing: my joy shall be full if only He is pleased." + +And Our Lord took me by the hand, and led me through an +underground passage where it is neither hot nor cold, where the +sun shines not, and where neither wind nor rain can enter--a place +where I see nothing but a half-veiled light, the light that gleams +from the downcast Eyes of the Face of Jesus. + +My Spouse speaks not a word, and I say nothing save that I love +Him more than myself; and in the depths of my heart I know this is +true, for I am more His than mine. I cannot see that we are +advancing toward our journey's goal since we travel by a +subterranean way; and yet, without knowing how, it seems to me +that we are nearing the summit of the Mountain. + +I give thanks to my Jesus for making me walk in darkness, and in +this darkness I enjoy profound peace. Willingly do I consent to +remain through all my religious life in this gloomy passage into +which He has led me. I desire only that my darkness may obtain +light for sinners. I am content, nay, full of joy, to be without +all consolation. I should be ashamed if my love were like that of +those earthly brides who are ever looking for gifts from their +bridegrooms, or seeking to catch the loving smile which fills them +with delight. + +Thérèse, the little Spouse of Jesus, loves Him for Himself; she +only looks on the Face of her Beloved to catch a glimpse of the +Tears which delight her with their secret charm. She longs to wipe +away those Tears, or to gather them up like priceless diamonds +with which to adorn her bridal dress. _Jesus!_ . . . _Oh! I would +so love Him! Love Him as He has never yet been loved!_ . . . + +At all cost I must win the palm of St. Agnes; if it cannot be mine +through blood, I must win it by Love. + + +V + +1891. + +Love can take the place of a long life. Jesus does not consider +time, for He is Eternal. He only looks at the love. My little +Mother, beg Him to bestow it upon me in full measure. I do not +desire that thrill of love which I can feel; if Jesus feel its +thrill, then that is enough for me. It is so sweet to love Him, to +make Him loved. Ask Him to take me to Him on my profession-day, if +by living on I should ever offend Him, because I wish to bear +unsullied to Heaven the white robe of my second Baptism.[1] Now +Jesus can grant me the grace never to offend Him more, or rather +never to commit any faults but those which do not offend Him or +give Him pain; faults which serve but to humble me and strengthen +my love. There is no one to lean on apart from Jesus. He alone +faileth not, and it is exceeding joy to think that He can never +change. + + +VI + +1891. + +MY DEAREST LITTLE MOTHER,--Your letter has done me such good. The +sentence: "Let us refrain from saying a word which could raise us +in the eyes of others," has indeed enlightened my soul. Yes, we +must keep all for Jesus with jealous care. It is so good to work +for Him alone. How it fills the heart with joy, and lends wings to +the soul! Ask of Jesus that Thérèse--His _grain of sand_--may save +Him a multitude of souls in a short space of time, so that she may +the sooner behold His Adorable Face. + + +VII + +1892. + +Here is the dream of this "grain of sand": Love Jesus alone, and +naught else beside! The grain of sand is so small that if it +wished to open its heart to any other but Jesus, there would no +longer be room for this Beloved. + +What happiness to be so entirely hidden that no one gives us a +thought--to be unknown even to those with whom we live! My little +Mother, I long to be unknown to everyone of God's creatures! I +have never desired glory amongst men, and if their contempt used +to attract my heart, I have realized that even this is too +glorious for me, and I thirst to be forgotten. + +The Glory of Jesus--this is my sole ambition. I abandon my glory +to Him; and if He seem to forget me, well, He is free to do so +since I am no longer my own, but His. He will weary sooner of +making me wait than I shall of waiting. + + +VIII + +[One day when Soeur Thérèse was suffering acutely from +feverishness, one of the Sisters urged her to help in a difficult +piece of painting. For a moment Thérèse's countenance betrayed an +inward struggle, which did not escape the notice of Mother Agnes +of Jesus. That same evening Thérèse wrote her the following +letter.] + +May 28, 1897. + +MY DEAREST MOTHER,--I have just been shedding sweet tears--tears +of repentance, but still more of thankfulness and love. To-day I +showed you the treasure of my patience, and how virtuous I am--I +who preach so well to others! I am glad that you have seen my want +of perfection. You did not scold me, and yet I deserved it. But at +all times your gentleness speaks to me more forcibly than would +severe words. To me you are the image of God's Mercy. + +Sister N., on the contrary, is more often the image of God's +severity. Well, I have just met her, and, instead of passing me +coldly by, she embraced me and said: "Poor little Sister, I am so +sorry . . . I do not want to tire you; it was wrong of me to ask +your help; leave the work alone." In my heart I felt perfect +sorrow, and I was much surprised to escape all blame. I know she +must really deem me imperfect. She spoke in this way because she +thinks I am soon to die. However that may be, I have heard nothing +but kind and tender words from her; and so I consider her most +kind, and myself an unamiable creatures. + +When I returned to our cell, I was wondering what Jesus thought, +when all at once I remembered His words to the woman taken in +adultery: "Hath no man condemned thee?"[2] With tears in my eyes, +I answered Him: "No one, Lord, . . . neither my little Mother--the +image of Thy Mercy--nor Sister N., the image of Thy Justice. I +feel that I can go in peace, because neither wilt Thou condemn me." + +I confess I am much happier because of my weakness than +if--sustained by grace--I had been a model of patience. It does me +so much good to see that Jesus is always sweet and tender towards +me. Truly it is enough to make me die of grateful love. + +My little Mother, you will understand how this evening the vessel +of God's Mercy has overflowed for your child. . . . _Even now I +know it! Yea, all my hopes will be fulfilled_ . . . + +VERILY THE LORD WILL WORK WONDERS FOR ME, AND THEY WILL INFINITELY +SURPASS MY BOUNDLESS DESIRES. +_____________________________ + +[1] Soeur Thérèse here alludes to the probable opinion of +theologians that--as in Baptism--all stain of sin is removed and +all temporal punishment for sin remitted, by the vows taken on the +day of religious profession. [Ed.] + +[2] John 8:10. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO SISTER MARY OF THE SACRED HEART + + +I + +February 21, 1888. + +MY DEAR MARIE,--You cannot think what a lovely present Papa made +me last week; I believe if I gave you a hundred or even a thousand +guesses you would never find out what it was. Well, my dear Father +bought me a new-born lamb, all white and fleecy. He said that +before I entered the Carmel he wanted me to have this pleasure. We +were all delighted, especially Céline. What touched me more than +anything was Papa's thoughtfulness. Besides, a lamb is symbolic, +and it made me think of Pauline. + +So far, so good, but now for the sequel. We were already building +castles in the air, and expected that in two or three days the +lamb would be frisking round us. But the pretty creature died that +same afternoon. Poor little thing, scarcely was it born when it +suffered and died. It looked so gentle and innocent that Céline +made a sketch of it, and then we laid it in a grave dug by Papa. +It appeared to be asleep. I did not want the earth to be its +covering, so we put snow upon our pet, and all was over. + +You do not know, dearest Godmother, how this little creature's +death has made me reflect. Clearly we must not become attached to +anything, no matter how innocent, because it will slip from our +grasp when least expected; nothing but the eternal can content us. + + +II + +(Written during her retreat before receiving the habit.) + +January 8, 1889. + +Your little _Lamb_--as you love to call me, dearest sister--would +borrow from you some strength and courage. I cannot speak to Our +Lord, and He is silent too. Pray that my retreat may be pleasing +to the Heart of Him Who alone reads the secrets of the soul. + +Life is full of sacrifice, it is true, but why seek happiness +here? For life is but "a night to be spent in a wretched inn," as +our holy Mother St. Teresa says. I assure you my heart thirsts +ardently for happiness, but I see clearly that no creature can +quench that thirst. On the contrary, the oftener I would drink +from these seductive waters the more burning will my thirst +become. I know a source where "they that drink shall yet +thirst,"[1] but with a delicious thirst, a thirst one can always +allay. . . . That source is the suffering known to Jesus only. + + +III + +August 14, 1889. + +You ask for a word from your little Lamb. But what shall I say? Is +it not you who have taught me? Remember those days when I sat upon +your knee, and you talked to me of Heaven. + +I can still hear you say: "Look at those who want to become rich, +and see how they toil to obtain money. Now, my little Thérèse, +through every moment of the day and with far less trouble, we can +lay up riches in Heaven. Diamonds are so plentiful, we can gather +them together as with a rake, and we do this by performing all our +actions for the love of God." Then I would leave you, my heart +overflowing with joy, and fully bent on amassing great wealth. + +Time has flown since those happy hours spent together in our dear +nest. Jesus has visited us, and has found us worthy to be tried in +the crucible of suffering. God has said that on the last day "He +will wipe away all tears from our eyes,"[2] and no doubt the more +tears there are to dry, the greater will be the happiness. + +Pray to-morrow for the little one who owes you her upbringing, and +who, without you, might never have come to the Carmel. + + +IV + +(During her retreat before profession) + +September 4, 1890. + +The heavenly music falls but faintly on the ear of your child, and +it has been a dreary journey towards her Bridal Day. It is true +her Betrothed has led her through fertile lands and gorgeous +scenery, but the dark night has prevented her admiring, much less +revelling in, the beauty all around. Perhaps you think this +grieved her. Oh, no! she is happy to follow her Betrothed for His +own sake, and not for the sake of His gifts. He is so ravishingly +beautiful, even when silent--even when concealed. Weary of earthly +consolation, your little child wishes for her Beloved alone. I +believe that the work of Jesus during this retreat has been to +detach me from everything but Himself. My only comfort is the +exceeding strength and peace that is mine. Besides, I hope to be +just what He wills I should be, and in this lies all my happiness. + +Did you but know how great is my joy at giving pleasure to Jesus +through being utterly deprived of all joy! . . . . Truly this is +the very refinement of all joy--joy we do not feel. + + +V + +September 7, 1890. + +To-morrow I shall be the Spouse of Jesus, of Him Whose "look was +as it were hidden and despised."[3] What a future this alliance +opens up! How can I thank Him, how render myself less unworthy of +so great a favour? + +I thirst after Heaven, that blessed abode where our love for Jesus +will be without bounds. True, we must pass through suffering and +tears to reach that home, but I wish to suffer all that my Beloved +is pleased to send me; I wish to let Him do as He wills with His +"little ball." You tell me, dearest Godmother, that my Holy Child +is beautifully adorned for my wedding-day;[4] perhaps, however, +you wonder why I have not put new rose-coloured candles. The old +ones appeal to me more because they were lighted for the first +time on my clothing-day. They were then fresh and of rosy hue. +Papa had given them to me; he was there, and all was joyful. But +now their tint has faded. Are there yet any rose-coloured joys on +earth for your little Thérèse? No, for her there are only heavenly +joys; joys where the hollowness of all things gives place to the +Uncreated Reality. + + +VI + +MY DEAREST SISTER,--I do not find it difficult to answer +you. . . . How can you ask me if it be possible for you to love +God as I love Him! My desire for martyrdom is as nothing; it is +not to that I owe the boundless confidence that fills my heart. +Such desires might be described as spiritual riches, which are +_the unjust mammon,_[5] when one is complacent in them as in +something great. . . . These aspirations are a consolation Jesus +sometimes grants to weak souls like mine--and there are many +such! But when He withholds this consolation, it is a special +grace. Remember these words of a holy monk: "The martyrs +suffered with joy, and the King of Martyrs in sorrow." Did not +Jesus cry out: "My father, remove this chalice from Me"?[6] Do +not think, then, that my desires are a proof of my love. Indeed +I know well that it is certainly not these desires which make +God take pleasure in my soul. What does please Him is to find me +love my littleness, my poverty: it is the blind trust which I +have in His Mercy. . . . There is my sole treasure, dearest +Godmother, and why should it not be yours? + +Are you not ready to suffer all that God wills? Assuredly; and so +if you wish to know joy and to love suffering, you are really +seeking your own consolation, because once we love, all suffering +disappears. Verily, if we were to go together to martyrdom, you +would gain great merit, and I should have none, unless it pleased +Our Lord to change my dispositions. + +Dear sister, do you not understand that to love Jesus and to be +His Victim of Love, the more weak and wretched we are the better +material do we make for this consuming and transfiguring Love? +. . . The simple desire to be a Victim suffices, but we must also +consent to ever remain poor and helpless, and here lies the +difficulty: "Where shall we find one that is truly poor in spirit? +We must seek him afar off," says the author of the _Imitation._[7] +He does not say that we must search among great souls, but "afar +off"--that is to say, in abasement and in nothingness. Let us +remain far from all that dazzles, loving our littleness, and +content to have no joy. Then we shall be truly poor in spirit, and +Jesus will come to seek us however far off we may be, and +transform us into flames of Love. . . . I long to make you +understand what I feel. Confidence alone must lead us to +Love. . . . Does not fear lead to the thought of the strict justice +that is threatened to sinners? But that is not the justice Jesus +will show to such as love Him. + +God would not vouchsafe you the desire to be the Victim of His +Merciful Love, were this not a favour in store--or rather already +granted, since you are wholly surrendered unto Him and long to be +consumed by Him, and God never inspires a longing which He cannot +fulfill. + +The road lies clear, and along it we must run together. I feel +that Jesus wishes to bestow on us the same graces; He wishes to +grant us both a free entrance into His Heavenly Kingdom. Dearest +Godmother, you would like to hear still more of the secrets which +Jesus confides to your child, but human speech cannot tell what +the human heart itself can scarcely conceive. Besides, Jesus +confides His secrets to you likewise. This I know, for you it was +who taught me to listen to His Divine teaching. On the day of my +Baptism you promised in my name that I would serve Him alone. You +were the Angel who led me and guided me in my days of exile and +offered me to Our Lord. As a child loves its mother, I love you; +in Heaven only will you realise the gratitude with which my heart +is full to overflowing. + +Your little daughter, + +Teresa of the Child Jesus. +_____________________________ + +[1] Eccles. 24:29. + +[2] Apoc. 21:4. + +[3] Isa. 53:3. + +[4] She alludes to the Statue of the Holy Child in the cloister, +which was under her own special care. [Ed.] + +[5] Luke 16:2. + +[6] Luke 22:42. + +[7] Cf. _Imit.,_ II, xi. 4. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO SISTER FRANCES TERESA[1] + + +I + +August 13, 1893. + +DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--At last your desires are satisfied. Like the +dove sent forth from the ark, you have been unable to find a spot +on earth whereon to rest, and have long been on the wing seeking +to re-enter the blessed abode where your heart had for ever fixed +its home. Jesus has kept you waiting, but at last, touched by the +plaintive cry of His dove, He has put forth His Divine Hand, and, +taking hold of it, has set it in His Heart--that sanctuary of His +Love. + +It is quite a spiritual joy, this joy of mine. For I shall never +look upon you again, never hear your voice as I outpour my heart +into yours. Yet I know that earth is but a halting-place to us who +journey towards a Heavenly Home. What matter if the routes we +follow lie apart? Our goal is the same--that Heaven where we shall +meet, no more to be separated. There we shall taste for ever the +sweets of our earthly home. We shall have much to tell one another +when this exile is ended. Speech here below is so inadequate, but +a single glance will be enough for perfect understanding in our +home beyond; and I believe that our happiness will be greater than +if we had never been parted here. + +Meanwhile we must live by sacrifice. Without it there would be no +merit in the religious life. As someone told us in a conference: +"The reason why the forest oak raises its head so high is because, +hemmed in on all sides, it wastes no sap in putting forth branches +underneath, but towers aloft. Thus in the religious life the soul, +hedged in all around by the rule and by the practice of community +life, of necessity finds there a means of lifting a high head +towards Heaven." + +Dearest sister, pray for your little Thérèse that she may draw +profit from her exile on earth and from the plentiful means +granted her of meriting Heaven. + + +II + +January, 1895. + +DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--How fruitful for Heaven has been the year +that is gone! . . . Our dear Father has seen that which the eye of +man cannot see, he has heard the minstrelsy of the angels . . . +now his heart understands, and his soul enjoys "the things which +God hath prepared for those who love Him."[2] . . . Our turn will +come, and it is full sweet to think our sails are set towards the +Eternal Shore. + +Do you not find, as I do, that our beloved Father's death has +drawn us nearer to Heaven? More than half of our loved ones +already enjoy the Vision of God, and the five who remain in exile +will follow soon. This thought of the shortness of life gives me +courage, and helps me to put up with the weariness of the journey. +What matters a little toil upon earth? We pass . . . "We have not +here a lasting city."[3] + +Think of your Thérèse during this month consecrated to the Infant +Jesus, and beg of Him that she may always remain a very little +child. I will offer the same prayer for you, because I know your +desires, and that humility is your favourite virtue. + +Which Thérèse will be the more fervent? . . . She who will be the +more humble, the more closely united to Jesus, and the more +faithful in making love the mainspring of every action. We must +not let slip one single occasion of sacrifice, everything has such +value in the religious life . . . Pick up a pin from a motive of +love, and you may thereby convert a soul. Jesus alone can make our +deeds of such worth, so let us love Him with every fibre of our +heart. + + +III + +July 12, 1896. + +MY DEAR LITTLE LÉONIE,--I should have answered your letter last +Sunday if it had been given to me, but you know that, being the +youngest, I run the risk of not seeing letters for some +considerable time after my sisters, and occasionally not at all. I +only read yours on Friday, so forgive my delay. + +You are right--Jesus is content with a tender look or a sigh of +love. For my part, I find it quite easy to practise perfection, +now that I realise it only means making Jesus captive through His +Heart. Look at a little child who has just vexed its mother, +either by giving way to temper or by disobedience. If it hides in +a corner and is sulky, or if it cries for fear of being punished, +its mother will certainly not forgive the fault. But should it run +to her with its little arms outstreteched, and say; "Kiss me, +Mother; I will not do it again!" what mother would not straightway +clasp her child lovingly to her heart, and forget all it had done? +. . . She knows quite well that her little one will repeat the +fault--no matter, her darling will escape all punishment so long +as it makes appeal to her heart. + +Even when the law of fear was in force, before Our Lord's coming, +the prophet Isaias said--speaking in the name of the King of +Heaven: "Can a woman forget her babe? . . . And if she should +forget, yet will I not forget thee."[4] What a touching promise! +We who live under the law of Love, shall we not profit by the +loving advances made by our Spouse? How can anybody fear Him Who +allows Himself to be made captive "with one hair of our neck"?[5] + +Let us learn to keep Him prisoner--this God, the Divine Beggar of +love. By telling us that a single hair can work this wonder, He +shows us that the smallest actions done for His Love are those +which charm His Heart. If it were necessary to do great things, we +should be deserving of pity, but we are happy beyond measure, +because Jesus lets Himself be led captive by the smallest action. +. . . With you, dear Léonie, little sacrifices are never lacking. +Is not your life made up of them? I rejoice to see you in presence +of such wealth, especially when I remember that you know how to +make profit thereby, not only for yourself but likewise for poor +sinners. It is so sweet to help Jesus to save the souls which He +has ransomed at the price of His Precious Blood, and which only +await our help to keep them from the abyss. + +It seems to me that if our sacrifices take Jesus captive, our joys +make Him prisoner too. All that is needful to attain this end is, +that instead of giving ourselves over to selfish happiness, we +offer to our Spouse the little joys He scatters in our path, to +charm our hearts and draw them towards Him. + +You ask for news of my health. Well, my cough has quite +disappeared. Does that please you? It will not prevent Our Lord +from taking me to Himself whensoever He wishes. And I need not +prepare for that journey, since my whole endeavour is to remain as +a little child. Jesus Himself must pay all its expenses, as well +as the price of my admission to Heaven. + +Good-bye, dearest one, pray to Him without fail for the last and +least of your sisters. + + +IV + +July 17, 1897. + +MY DEAR LÉONIE,--I am so pleased to be able to write to you again. +Some days ago I thought I should never again have this +consolation, but it seems God wishes to prolong somewhat the time +of my exile. This does not trouble me--I would not enter Heaven +one moment sooner through my own will. The only real happiness on +earth is to strive always to think "how goodly is the chalice"[6] +that Jesus give us. Yours is indeed a goodly one, dear Léonie. If +you wish to be a Saint--and it will not be hard--keep only one end +in view: give pleasure to Jesus, and bind yourself more closely to +Him. + +Good-bye, my dear sister, I should wish the thought of my entering +Heaven to fill you with joy, because I shall then be better able +to give you proof of my tender love. In the Heart of our Heavenly +Spouse we shall live His very life, and through eternity I shall +remain, + +Your very little sister, + +TERESA OF THE CHILD JESUS. +_____________________________ + +[1] Nearly all the letters written by Soeur Thérèse to her sister +Léonie are lost. These few have been recovered. It will be +remembered that Léonie entered the Convent of the Visitation at +Caen. See note, page 113. + +[2] Cf. I Cor. 2:9. + +[3] Heb. 13:14. + +[4] Isa. 49:15. + +[5] Cant. 4:9. + +[6] Ps. 22[23]:5. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO HER COUSIN MARIE GUÉRIN + + +I + +1888. + +Before you confided in me,[1] I felt you were suffering, and my +heart was one with yours. Since you have the humility to ask +advice of your little Thérèse, this is what she thinks: you have +grieved me greatly by abstaining from Holy Communion, because you +have grieved Our Lord. The devil must be very cunning to deceive a +soul in this way. Do you not know, dear Marie, that by acting thus +you help him to accomplish his end? The treacherous creature knows +quite well that when a soul is striving to belong wholly to God he +cannot cause her to sin, so he merely tries to persuade her that +she has sinned. This is a considerable gain, but not enough to +satisfy his hatred, so he aims at something more, and tries to +shut out Jesus from a tabernacle which Jesus covets. Unable to +enter this sanctuary himself, he wishes that at least it remain +empty and without its God. Alas, what will become of that poor +little heart? When the devil has succeeded in keeping a soul from +Holy Communion he has gained all his ends . . . while Jesus +weeps! . . . + +Remember, little Marie, that this sweet Jesus is there in the +Tabernacle expressly for you and you alone. Remember that He burns +with the desire to enter your heart. Do not listen to satan. Laugh +him to scorn, and go without fear to receive Jesus, the God of +peace and of love. + +"Thérèse thinks all this"--you say--"because she does not know my +difficulties." She does know, and knows them well; she understands +everything, and she tells you confidently that you can go without +fear to receive your only true Friend. She, too, has passed +through the martyrdom of scruples, but Jesus gave her the grace to +receive the Blessed Sacrament always, even when she imagined she +had committed great sins. I assure you I have found that this is +the only means of ridding oneself of the devil. When he sees that +he is losing his time he leaves us in peace. + +In truth it is impossible that a heart which can only find rest in +contemplation of the Tabernacle--and yours is such, you tell +me--could so far offend Our Lord as not to be able to receive Him +. . . What does offend Jesus, what wounds Him to the Heart, is +want of confidence. + +Pray much that the best portion of your life may not be +overshadowed by idle fears. We have only life's brief moments to +spend for the Glory of God, and well does satan know it. This is +why he employs every ruse to make us consume them in useless +labour. Dear sister, go often to Holy Communion, go very +often--that is your one remedy. + + +II + +1894 + +You are like some little village maiden who, when sought in +marriage by a mighty king would not dare to accept him, on the +plea that she is not rich enough, and is strange to the ways of a +court. But does not her royal lover know better than she does, the +extent of her poverty and ignorance? + +Marie, though you are nothing, do not forget that Jesus is All. +You have only to lose your own nothingness in that Infinite All, +and thenceforth to think only of that All who alone is worthy of +your love. + +You tell me you wish to see the fruit of your efforts. That is +exactly what Jesus would hide from you. He likes to contemplate by +Himself these little fruits of our virtue. They console Him. + +You are quite wrong, Marie, if you think that Thérèse walks +eagerly along the way of Sacrifice: her weakness is still very +great, and every day some new and wholesome experience brings this +home more clearly. Yet Jesus delights to teach her how to _glory +in her infirmities._[2] It is a great grace, and I pray Him to +give it to you, for with it come peace and tranquillity of heart. +When we see our misery we do not like to look at ourselves but +only upon our Beloved. + +You ask me for a method of obtaining perfection. I know of +Love--and Love only! Our hearts are made for this alone. Sometimes +I endeavour to find some other word for love; but in a land of +exile "words which have a beginning and an end"[3] are quite +unable to render adequately the emotions of the soul, and so we +must keep to the one simple word--LOVE. + +But on whom shall our poor hearts lavish this love, and who will +be worthy of this treasure? Is there anyone who will understand it +and--above all--is there anyone who will be able to repay? Marie, +Jesus alone understands love: He alone can give back all--yea, +infinitely more than the utmost we can give. +_____________________________ + +[1] The allusion is to the scruples from which Marie suffered. +Having read this letter--which is a strong plea for Frequent +Communion--Pope Pius X declared it "most opportune." Thérèse was +but fifteen when she wrote it. [Ed.] + +[2] 2 Cor. 11:5. + +[3] St. Augustine. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTER TO HER COUSIN, JEANNE GUÉRIN (MADAME LA NÉELE) + +August, 1895. + +It is a very great sacrifice that God has asked of you, my dear +Jeanne, in calling your little Marie to the Carmel; but remember +that He has promised a hundredfold to anyone who for His Love hath +left father or mother or _sister._[1] Now, for love of Jesus, you +have not hesitated to part with a sister dearer to you than words +can say, and therefore He is bound to keep His promise. I know +that these words are generally applied to those who enter the +religious life, but my heart tells me they were spoken, too, for +those whose generosity is such that they will sacrifice to God +even the loved ones they hold dearer than life itself. +_____________________________ + +[1] Mark 10:30. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO HER BROTHER MISSIONARIES + + +I + +1895. + +Our Divine Lord asks no sacrifice beyond our strength. At times, +it is true, He makes us taste to the full the bitterness of the +chalice He puts to our lips. And when He demands the sacrifice of +all that is dearest on earth, it is impossible without a very +special grace not to cry out as He did during His Agony in the +Garden: "My Father, let this chalice pass from me!" But we must +hasten to add: "Yet not as I will, but as Thou wilt."[1] It is so +consoling to think that Jesus, "the Strong God,"[2] has felt all +our weaknesses and shuddered at the sight of the bitter +chalice--that very chalice He had so ardently desired. + +Your lot is indeed a beautiful one, since Our Lord has chosen it +for you, and has first touched with His own Lips the cup which He +holds out to yours. A Saint has said: "The greatest honour God can +bestow upon a soul is not to give to it great things, but to ask +of it great things." Jesus treats you as a privileged child. It is +His wish you should begin your mission even now,[3] and save souls +through the Cross. Was it not by suffering and death that He +ransomed the world? I know that you aspire to the happiness of +laying down your life for Him; but the martyrdom of the heart is +not less fruitful than the shedding of blood, and this martyrdom +is already yours. Have I not, then, good reason to say that your +lot is a beautiful one--worthy an apostle of Christ? + + +II + +1896. + +Let us work together for the salvation of souls! We have but the +one day of this life to save them, and so give to Our Lord a proof +of our love. To-morrow will be Eternity, then Jesus will reward +you a hundredfold for the sweet joys you have given up for Him. He +knows the extent of your sacrifice. He knows that the sufferings +of those you hold dear increase your own; but He has suffered this +same martyrdom for our salvation. He, too, left His Mother; He +beheld that sinless Virgin standing at the foot of the Cross, her +heart pierced through with a sword of sorrow, and I hope he will +console your own dear mother. . . . I beg Him most earnestly to do +so. + +Ah! If the Divine Master would permit those you are about to leave +for His Love but one glimpse of the glory in store, and the vast +retinue of souls that will escort you to Heaven, already they +would be repaid for the great sacrifice that is at hand. + + +III + +February 24, 1896. + +Please say this little prayer for me each day; it sums up all my +desires: + +"Merciful Father, in the name of Thy sweet Jesus, of the Blessed +Virgin, and all the Saints, I beg Thee to consume my sister with +Thy spirit of love, and to grant her the grace to make Thee +greatly loved." + +If Our Lord takes me soon to Himself, I ask you still to continue +this prayer, because my longing will be the same in Heaven as upon +earth: _to love Jesus and to make Him loved._ + + +IV + +. . . . . . . + +All I desire is God's Holy Will, and if in Heaven I could no +longer work for His glory, I should prefer exile to Home. + + +V + +June 21, 1897 + +You may well sing of the Mercies of God! They shine forth in you +with splendour. You love St. Augustine and St. Mary Magdalen, +those souls to whom many sins were forgiven because they loved +much. I love them too; I love their sorrow, and especially their +audacious love. When I see Mary Magdalen come forth before all +Simon's guests to wash with her tears her Master's Feet--those +Feet that for the first time she touches--I feel her heart has +fathomed that abyss of love and mercy, the Heart of Jesus; and I +feel, too, that not only was He willing to forgive, but even +liberally to dispense the favours of a Divine and intimate +friendship, and to raise her to the loftiest heights of prayer. + +My Brother, since I also have been given to understand the Love of +the Heart of Jesus, I confess that all fear has been driven from +mine. The remembrance of my faults humbles me; and it helps me +never to rely upon my own strength--which is but weakness--but +more than all, it speaks to me of mercy and of love. When a soul +with childlike trust casts her faults into Love's all-devouring +furnace, how shall they escape being utterly consumed? + +I know that many Saints have passed their lives in the practice of +amazing penance for the sake of expiating their sins. But what of +that? "In my Father's house there are many mansions."[4] These are +the words of Jesus, and therefore I follow the path He marks out +for me; I try to be nowise concerned about myself and what Jesus +deigns to accomplish in my soul. + + +VI + +1897. + +On this earth where everything changes, one thing alone does never +change--our Heavenly King's treatment of His friends. From the day +He raised the standard of the Cross, in its shadow all must fight +and win. "The life of every missionary abounds in crosses," said +Théophane Vénard. And again: "True happiness consists in +suffering, and in order to live we must die." + +Rejoice, my Brother, that the first efforts of your Apostolate are +stamped with the seal of the Cross. Far more by suffering and by +persecution than by eloquent discourses does Jesus wish to build +up His Kingdom. + +You are still--you tell me--a little child who cannot speak. +Neither could Father Mazel, who was ordained with you, and yet he +has already won the palm . . . Far beyond our thoughts are the +thoughts of God! When I learnt that this young missionary had died +before he had set foot on the field of his labours, I felt myself +drawn to invoke him. I seemed to see him amidst the glorious +Martyr choir. No doubt, in the eyes of men he does not merit the +title of Martyr, but in the eyes of God this inglorious death is +no less precious than the sacrifice of him who lays down his life +for the Faith. + +Though one must be exceeding pure before appearing in the sight of +the All-Holy God, still I know that He is infinitely just, and +this very Justice which terrifies so many souls is the source of +all my confidence and joy. Justice is not only stern severity +towards the guilty; it takes account of the good intention, and +gives to virtue its reward. Indeed I hope as much from the Justice +of God as from His Mercy. It is because He is just, that "He is +compassionate and merciful, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy. +For He knoweth our frame, He remembereth that we are dust. As a +father hath compassion on his children, so hath the Lord +compassion on us."[5] + +O my Brother, after these beautiful and consoling words of the +Royal Prophet, how can we doubt God's power to open the gates of +His Kingdom to His children who have loved Him unto perfect +sacrifice, who have not only left home and country so as to make +Him known and loved, but even long to lay down their lives for +Him? . . . Jesus said truly there is no greater love than this. +Nor will He be outdone in generosity. How could He cleanse in the +flames of Purgatory souls consumed with the fire of Divine Love? + +I have used many words to express my thought, and yet I fear I +have failed. What I wish to convey is, that in my opinion all +missionaries are Martyrs by will and desire, and not even one +should pass through the purifying flames. + +This, then, is what I think about the Justice of God; my own way +is all confidence and love, and I cannot understand those souls +who are afraid of so affectionate a Friend. Sometimes, when I read +books in which perfection is put before us with the goal +obstructed by a thousand obstacles, my poor little head is quickly +fatigued. I close the learned treatise, which tires my brain and +dries up my heart, and I turn to the Sacred Scriptures. Then all +becomes clear and lightsome--a single word opens out infinite +vistas, perfection appears easy, and I see that it is enough to +acknowledge our nothingness, and like children surrender ourselves +into the Arms of the Good God. Leaving to great and lofty minds +the beautiful books which I cannot understand, still less put in +practice, I rejoice in my littleness because "only little children +and those who are like them shall be admitted to the Heavenly +banquet."[6] Fortunately--"there are many mansions in my Father's +House":[7] if there were only those--to me--incomprehensible +mansions with their baffling roads, I should certainly never enter +there . . . + + +VII + +July 13, 1897. + +Your soul is too great to cling to the consolations of earth, and +even now its abode should be in Heaven, for it is written: "Where +your treasure is, there will your heart be also."[8] Is not Jesus +your only treasure? Now that He is in Heaven, it is there your +heart should dwell. This sweet Saviour has long since forgotten +your infidelities. He sees only your longing after perfection, and +the sight makes glad His Heart. + +Stay no longer at His Feet, I beseech you, but follow this first +impulse to throw yourself into His Arms. Your place is there, and +I see clearly--more clearly than in your former letters--that all +other heavenly route is barred to you save the way your little +sister treads. + +I hold with you when you say that the Heart of Jesus is more +grieved by the thousand little imperfections of His friends than +by the faults, even grave, which His enemies commit. Yet it seems +to me, dear Brother, it is only when those who are His own are +habitually guilty of want of thought, and neglect to seek His +pardon, that He can say: "These Wounds which you see in the midst +of My Hands, I have received in the house of those who love +Me."[9] But His Heart thrills with you when He had to deal with +all those who truly love, and who after each little fault come to +fling themselves into His Arms imploring forgiveness. He says to +His Angels what the prodigal's father said to his servants: "Put a +ring upon his finger, and let us rejoice."[10] O Brother! Verily +the Divine Heart's Goodness and Merciful Love are little known! It +is true that to enjoy these treasures we must humble ourselves, +must confess our nothingness . . . and here is where many a soul +draws back. + + +VIII + +1897. + +What attracts me towards our Heavenly Home is the Master's +call--the hope of loving Him at last to the fulfilling of all my +desire--the thought that I shall be able to win Him the love of a +multitude of souls, who will bless Him through all eternity. + +I have never asked God that I might die young--that to me were a +cowardly prayer; but from my childhood He has deigned to inspire +me with a strong conviction that my life would be a short one. + +I feel we must tread the same road to Heaven--the road of +suffering and love. When I myself have reached the port, I will +teach you how best to sail the world's tempestuous sea--with the +self-abandonment of a child well aware of a father's love, and of +his vigilance in the hour of danger. + +I long so much to make you understand the expectant love of the +Heart of Jesus. Your last letter has made my own heart thrill +sweetly. I learnt how closely your soul is sister to mine, since +God calls that soul to mount to Himself by the _lift of love,_ +without climbing the steep stairway of fear. I am not surprised +you find it hard to be familiar with Jesus--one cannot become so +in a day; but this I do know, I shall aid you much more to tread +this beautiful path when I lay aside the burden of this perishable +body. Ere long you will exclaim with St. Augustine: "Love is my +lodestone!" + + +IX + +July 26, 1897. + +When you read these few lines I shall perhaps be no more. I know +not the future; yet I can confidently say that my Spouse is at the +door. It would need a miracle to keep me in exile, and I do not +think that Jesus will work that miracle--He does nothing that is +of no avail. + +Brother, I am so happy to die! Yes, happy . . . not because I +shall be free from suffering: on the contrary, suffering combined +with love seems the one thing worthy of desire in this vale of +tears; but happy to die because far more than on earth I shall +help the souls I hold dear. + +Jesus has always treated me as a spoilt child. . . . It is true +that His Cross has been with me from the cradle, but for that +Cross He has given me a passionate love . . . + + +X + +August 14, 1897. + +I am about to go before God, and I understand now more than ever +that one thing only is needful--to work for Him alone, and do +nothing for self or creatures. Jesus wishes to own your heart +completely. Before this can be, you will have much to suffer . . . +but oh! what joy when comes the happy hour of going Home! I shall +not die--I do but enter into Life . . . and whatsoever I cannot +tell you here upon earth I will make you understand from the +heights of Heaven. . . . +_____________________________ + +[1] Matt. 26:39. + +[2] Isa. 9:6. + +[3] This letter and the following are addressed to a Seminarist. +[Ed.] + +[4] John 14:2. + +[5] Ps. 102[103]:8, 14, 13. + +[6] Cf. Matt. 19:14. + +[7] John 14:2. + +[8] Luke 12:34. + +[9] Cf. Zach. 13:6. + +[10] Cf. Luke 15:22. + +_____________________________ + + +PRAYERS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + + +AN ACT OF OBLATION AS A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +_This Prayer was found after the death of Sister Teresa of the +Child Jesus and of the Holy Face in the copy of the Gospels which +she carried night and day close to her heart._ + +O my God, O Most Blessed Trinity, I desire to love Thee and to +make Thee loved--to labour for the glory of Holy Church by saving +souls here upon earth and by delivering those suffering in +Purgatory. I desire to fulfill perfectly Thy Holy Will, and to +reach the degree of glory Thou hast prepared for me in Thy +Kingdom. In a word, I wish to be holy, but, knowing how helpless I +am, I beseech Thee, my God, to be Thyself my holiness. + +Since Thou hast loved me so much as to give me Thy Only-Begotten +Son to be my Saviour and my Spouse, the infinite treasures of His +merits are mine. Gladly do I offer them to Thee, and I beg of Thee +to behold me only through the Eyes of Jesus, and in His Heart +aflame with love. Moreover, I offer Thee all the merits of the +Saints both of Heaven and of earth, together with their acts of +love, and those of the holy Angels. Lastly, I offer Thee, O +Blessed Trinity, the love and the merits of the Blessed Virgin, my +dearest Mother--to her I commit this Oblation, praying her to +present it to Thee. + +During the days of His life on earth her Divine Son, my sweet +Spouse, spake these words: "If you ask the Father anything in My +Name, He will give it you."[1] Therefore I am certain Thou wilt +fulfill my longing. O my God, I know that the more Thou wishest to +bestow, the more Thou dost make us desire. In my heart I feel +boundless desires, and I confidently beseech Thee to take +possession of my soul. I cannot receive Thee in Holy Communion as +often as I should wish; but, O Lord, art Thou not all-powerful? +Abide in me as Thou dost in the Tabernacle--never abandon Thy +Little Victim. I long to console Thee for ungrateful sinners, and +I implore Thee to take from me all liberty to sin. If through +weakness I should chance to fall, may a glance from Thine Eyes +straightway cleanse my soul, and consume all my imperfections--as +fire transforms all things into itself. + +I thank Thee, O my God, for all the graces Thou hast granted me: +especially for having purified me in the crucible of suffering. At +the Day of Judgment I shall gaze on Thee with joy, as Thou bearest +Thy sceptre of the Cross. And since Thou hast deigned to give me +this precious Cross as my portion, I hope to be like unto Thee in +Paradise and to behold the Sacred Wounds of Thy Passion shine on +my glorified body. + +After earth's exile I trust to possess Thee in the Home of our +Father; but I do not seek to lay up treasures in Heaven. I wish to +labour for Thy Love alone--with the sole aim of pleasing Thee, of +consoling Thy Sacred Heart, and of saving souls who will love Thee +through eternity. + +When comes the evening of life, I shall stand before Thee with +empty hands, because I do not ask Thee, my God, to take account of +my works. All our works of justice are blemished in Thine Eyes. I +wish therefore to be robed with Thine own Justice, and to receive +from Thy Love the everlasting gift of Thyself. I desire no other +Throne, no other Crown but Thee, O my Beloved! + +In Thy sight time is naught--"one day is a thousand years."[2] +Thou canst in a single instant prepare me to appear before Thee. + +* * * * * * * + +In order that my life may be one Act of perfect Love, I offer +myself as a Victim of Holocaust to Thy Merciful Love, imploring +Thee to consume me unceasingly, and to allow the floods of +infinite tenderness gathered up in Thee to overflow into my soul, +that so I may become a very martyr of Thy Love, O my God! May this +martyrdom, after having prepared me to appear in Thy Presence, +free me from this life at the last, and may my soul take its +flight--without delay--into the eternal embrace of Thy Merciful +Love! + +* * * * * * * + +O my Beloved, I desire at every beat of my heart to renew this +Oblation an infinite number of times, "till the shadows +retire,"[3] and everlastingly I can tell Thee my love face to face. + +MARY FRANCES TERESA OF THE CHILD JESUS AND OF THE HOLY FACE. + +The ninth of June, Feast of the Most Blessed Trinity, In the year +of grace, 1895. + + +A MORNING PRAYER + +O my God! I offer Thee all my actions of this day for the +intentions and for the glory of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I +desire to sanctify every beat of my heart, my every thought, my +simplest works, by uniting them to Its infinite merits; and I wish +to make reparation for my sins by casting them into the furnace of +Its Merciful Love. + +O my God! I ask of Thee for myself and for those whom I hold dear, +the grace to fulfil perfectly Thy Holy Will, to accept for love of +Thee the joys and sorrows of this passing life, so that we may one +day be united together in Heaven for all Eternity. Amen. + + +AN ACT OF CONSECRATION TO THE HOLY FACE + +Written for the Novices + +O Adorable Face of Jesus, since Thou hast deigned to make special +choice of our souls, in order to give Thyself to them, we come to +consecrate these souls to Thee. We seem, O Jesus, to hear Thee +say: "Open to Me, My Sisters, My Spouses, for My Face is wet with +the dew, and My Locks with the drops of the night."[4] Our souls +understand Thy language of love; we desire to wipe Thy sweet Face, +and to console Thee for the contempt of the wicked. In their eyes +Thou art still "as it were hidden . . . they esteem Thee an object +of reproach."[5] + +O Blessed Face, more lovely than the lilies and the roses of the +spring, Thou art not hidden from us. The tears which dim Thine +Eyes are as precious pearls which we delight to gather, and, +through their infinite value, to purchase the souls of our +brethren. + +From Thy Adorable Lips we have heard Thy loving plaint: "I +thirst." Since we know that this thirst which consumes Thee is a +thirst for love, to quench it we would wish to possess an infinite +love. + +Dear Spouse of our souls, if we could love with the love of all +hearts, that love would be Thine. . . . Give us, O Lord, this +love! Then come to thy Spouses and satisfy Thy Thirst. + +And give to us souls, dear Lord . . . We thirst for souls!--Above +all for the souls of Apostles and Martyrs . . . that through them +we may inflame all poor sinners with love of Thee. + +O Adorable Face, we shall succeed in winning this grace from Thee! +Unmindful of our exile, "by the rivers of Babylon," we will sing +in Thine Ears the sweetest of melodies. Since Thou art the true +and only Home of our souls, _our songs shall not be sung in a +strange land._[6] O Beloved Face of Jesus, while we await the +Eternal Day when we shall gaze upon Thine Infinite Glory, our only +desire is to delight Thy Divine Eyes by keeping our faces hidden +too, so that no one on earth may recognize us . . . Dear Jesus, +Heaven for us is Thy Hidden Face! + + +VARIOUS PRAYERS + +_"If you ask the Father anything in My Name, He will give it +you."_-- John 16:23. + +O Eternal Father, Thy Only-Begotten Son, the dear Child Jesus, +belongs to me since Thou hast given Him. I offer Thee the infinite +merits of His Divine Childhood, and I beseech Thee in His Name to +open the gates of Heaven to a countless host of little ones who +will for ever follow this Divine Lamb. + +_"Just as the King's image is a talisman through which anything +may be purchased in his Kingdom, so through My Adorable Face--that +priceless coin of my Humanity--you will obtain all you desire."_ + Our Lord to Sister Mary of St. Peter.[7] + +Eternal Father, since Thou hast given me for my inheritance the +Adorable Face of Thy Divine Son, I offer that Face to Thee, and I +beg Thee, in exchange for this _coin_ of infinite value, to forget +the ingratitude of those souls who are consecrated to Thee, and to +pardon all poor sinners. + + +PRAYER TO THE HOLY CHILD + +O Jesus, dear Holy Child, my only treasure, I abandon myself to +Thy every whim. I seek no other joy than that of calling forth Thy +sweet Smile. Vouchsafe to me the graces and the virtues of Thy +Holy Childhood, so that on the day of my birth into Heaven the +Angels and Saints may recognise in Thy Spouse: _Teresa of the +Child Jesus._ + + +PRAYER TO THE HOLY FACE + +O Adorable Face of Jesus, sole beauty which ravisheth my heart, +vouchsafe to impress on my soul Thy Divine Likeness, so that it +may not be possible for Thee to look at Thy Spouse without +beholding Thyself. O my Beloved, for love of Thee I am content not +to see here on earth the sweetness of Thy Glance, nor to feel the +ineffable Kiss of Thy Sacred Lips, but I beg of Thee to inflame me +with Thy Love, so that it may consume me quickly, and that soon +_Teresa of the Holy Face_ may behold Thy glorious Countenance in +Heaven. + + +PRAYER + +_Inspired by the sight of a statue of The Blessed Joan of Arc_ + +O Lord God of Hosts, who hast said in Thy Gospel: "I am not come +to bring peace but a sword,"[8] arm me for the combat. I burn to +do battle for Thy Glory, but I pray Thee to enliven my +courage. . . . Then with holy David I shall be able to exclaim: +"Thou alone art my shield; it is Thou, O Lord Who teachest my +hands to fight."[9] + +O my Beloved, I know the warfare in which I am to engage; it is +not on the open field I shall fight. . . . I am a prisoner held +captive by Thy Love; of my own free will I have riveted the +fetters which bind me to Thee, and cut me off for ever from the +world. My sword is Love! with it--like Joan of Arc--"I will drive +the strangers from the land, and I will have Thee proclaimed +King"--over the Kingdom of souls. + +Of a truth Thou hast no need of so weak an instrument as I, but +Joan, thy chaste and valiant Spouse, has said: "We must do battle +before God gives the victory." O my Jesus! I will do battle, then, +for Thy love, until the evening of my life. As Thou didst not will +to enjoy rest upon earth, I wish to follow Thy example; and then +this promise which came from thy Sacred Lips will be fulfilled in +me: "If any man minister to me, let him follow Me, and where I am +there also shall My servant be, and . . . him will My Father +honour."[10] To be with Thee, to be in Thee, that is my one +desire; this promise of fulfilment, which Thou dost give, helps me +to bear with my exile as I wait the joyous Eternal Day when I +shall see Thee face to face. + + +PRAYER TO OBTAIN HUMILITY + +_Written for a Novice_ + +O JESUS! When Thou wast a wayfarer upon earth, Thou didst +say:--"Learn of Me, for I am Meek and Humble of Heart, and you +shall find rest to your souls."[11] O Almighty King of Heaven! my +soul indeed finds rest in seeing Thee condescend to wash the feet +of Thy Apostles--"having taken the form of a slave."[12] I recall +the words Thou didst utter to teach me the practice of humility: +"I have given you an example, that as I have done to you, so you +do also. The servant is not greater than his Lord . . . If you +know these things, you shall be blessed if you do them."[13] I +understand, dear Lord, these words which come from Thy Meek and +Humble Heart, and I wish to put them in practice with the help of +Thy grace. + +I desire to humble myself in all sincerity, and to submit my will +to that of my Sisters, without ever contradicting them, and +without questioning whether they have the right to command. No +one, O my Beloved! had that right over Thee, and yet Thou didst +obey not only the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph, but even Thy +executioners. And now, in the Holy Eucharist, I see Thee complete +Thy self-abasement. O Divine King of Glory, with wondrous +humility, Thou dost submit Thyself to all Thy Priests, without any +distinction between those who love Thee and those who, alas! are +lukewarm or cold in Thy service. They may advance or delay the +hour of the Holy Sacrifice: Thou art always ready to come down +from Heaven at their call. + +O my Beloved, under the white Eucharistic Veil Thou dost indeed +appear to me Meek and Humble of Heart! To teach me humility, Thou +canst not further abase Thyself, and so I wish to respond to Thy +Love, by putting myself in the lowest place, by sharing Thy +humiliations, so that I may "have part with Thee"[14] in the +Kingdom of Heaven. + +I implore Thee, dear Jesus, to send me a humiliation whensoever I +try to set myself above others. + +And yet, dear Lord, Thou knowest my weakness. Each morning I +resolve to be humble, and in the evening I recognise that I have +often been guilty of pride. The sight of these faults tempts me to +discouragement; yet I know that discouragement is itself but a +form of pride. I wish, therefore, O my God, to build all my trust +upon Thee. As Thou canst do all things, deign to implant in my +soul this virtue which I desire, and to obtain it from Thy +Infinite Mercy, I will often say to Thee: "Jesus, Meek and Humble +of Heart, make my heart like unto Thine." +_____________________________ + +[1] John 16:23. + +[2] Ps. 39[40]:4. + +[3] Cant. 4:6. + +[4] Cf. Cant. 5:2. + +[5] Cf. Isa. 53:3. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 136[137]:4. + +[7] Sister Mary of St. Peter entered the Carmel of Tours in 1840. +Three years later she had the first of a series of revelations +concerning devotion to the Holy Face as a means of reparation for +blasphemy. See _Life of Léon Papin-Dupont,_ known as "The Holy Man +of Tours." + +[8] Matt. 10:34. + +[9] Cf. Ps. 143[144]:1, 2. + +[10] John 12:26. + +[11] Matt. 11:29. + +[12] Phil. 2:7. + +[13] John 13:15-17. + +[14] Cf. John 13:8. + +_____________________________ + + +MOTTO OF THE LITTLE FLOWER + +From St. John of the Cross + +"LOVE IS REPAID BY LOVE ALONE" + +_____________________________ + + +"MY DAYS OF GRACE" + +Birthday . . . . January 2, 1873 +Baptism . . . . January 4, 1873 +The Smile of Our Lady . May 10, 1883 +First Communion . . May 8, 1884 +Confirmation . . . June 14, 1884 +Conversion. . . . December 25, 1886 +Audience with Leo XIII. November 20, 1887 +Entry into the Carmel . April 9, 1888 +Clothing . . . . January 10, 1889 +Profession. . . . September 8, 1890 +Taking of the Veil. . September 24, 1890 +Act of Oblation . . June 9, 1895 + +[ENTRY INTO HEAVEN--September 30, 1897] + +_____________________________ + + +SELECTED POEMS OF SOEUR THÉRÈSE, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + + +MY SONG OF TO-DAY + +Oh! how I love Thee, Jesus! my soul aspires to Thee-- + And yet for one day only my simple prayer I pray! +Come reign within my heart, smile tenderly on me, + To-day, dear Lord, to-day! + +But if I dare take thought of what the morrow brings, + It fills my fickle heart with dreary, dull dismay; +I crave, indeed, my God, the Cross and sufferings, + But only for to-day! + +O sweetest Star of Heaven! O Virgin, spotless, blest, + Shining with Jesus' light, guiding to Him my way! +Mother! beneath thy veil let my tired spirit rest, + For this brief passing day! + +Soon shall I fly afar among the holy choirs, + Then shall be mine the joy that knoweth no decay; +And then my lips shall sing, to Heaven's angelic lyres, + The eternal, glad To-day! + +June, 1894. + + +MEMORIES + +Selected Stanzas + +"I find in my Beloved the mountains, the lonely and wooded +vales, the distant isles, the murmur of the waters, the soft +whisper of the zephyrs . . . the quiet night with its sister +the dawn, the perfect solitude--all that delights and all +that fires our love."--St. John of the Cross. + +I hold full sweet your memory, +My childhood days, so glad, so free. +To keep my innocence, dear Lord, for Thee, +Thy Love came to me night and day, + Alway. +. . . . . . . + +I loved the swallows' graceful flight, +The turtle doves' low chant at night, +The pleasant sound of insects gay and bright, +The grassy vale where doth belong + Their song. +. . . . . . . + +I loved the glow-worm on the sod; +The countless stars, so near to God, +But most I loved, in all the sky abroad, +The shining moon of silver bright, + At night. +. . . . . . . + +The grass is withered in its bed; +The flowers within my hands are dead. +Would that my weary feet, Jesu! might tread +Thy Heavenly Fields, and I might be + With Thee! +. . . . . . . + +My rainbow in the rain-washed skies-- +Horizon where my suns arise-- +My isle in far-off seas--pearl I most prize-- +Sweet spring and butterflies--I see + In Thee! +. . . . . . . + +In Thee I have the springs, the rills, +The mignonette, the daffodils, +The Eglantine, the harebell on the hills, +The trembling poplar, sighing low + And slow. +. . . . . . . + +The lovely lake, the valley fair +And lonely in the lambent air, +The ocean touched with silver everywhere-- +In Thee their treasures, all combined, + I find. +. . . . . . . + +I go to chant, with Angel-throngs, +The homage that to Thee belongs. +Soon let me fly away, to join their songs! +Oh, let me die of love, I pray, + One day! +. . . . . . . + +I hear, e'en I, Thy last and least, +The music from Thy Heavenly Feast; +There, deign receive me as Thy loving guest +And, to my harp, let me but sing, + My King! +. . . . . . . + +Unto the Saints I shall be near, +To Mary, and those once treasured here. +Life is all past, and dried is every tear; +To me my home again is given-- + In Heaven. + +April 28, 1895. + + +I THIRST FOR LOVE + +In wondrous Love, Thou didst come down from Heaven + To immolate Thyself, O Christ, for me; +So, in my turn, my love to Thee is given-- + I wish to suffer and to die for Thee. + +Thou, Lord, didst speak this truth benign: + "To die for one loved tenderly, +Of greatest love on earth is sign"; + And now, such love is mine-- + Such love for Thee! + +Do Thou abide with me, O Pilgrim blest! + Behind the hill fast sinks the dying day. +Helped by Thy Cross, I mount the rocky crest; + Oh, come, to guide me on my Heavenward Way. + +To be like Thee is my desire; + Thy Voice finds echo in my soul. +Suffering I crave! Thy words of fire + Lift me above earth's mire, + And sin's control. + +Chanting Thy victories, gloriously sublime, + The Seraphim--all Heaven--cry to me, +That even Thou, to conquer sin and crime, + Upon this earth a sufferer needs must be. + +For me upon life's dreary way + What scorn, what anguish, Thou didst bear! +Let me but hide me day by day, + Be least of all, alway, + Thy lot to share. + +Ah, Christ! Thy great example teaches me + Myself to humble, honours to despise. +A little one--as Thou--I choose to be, + Forgetting self, so I may charm Thine Eyes. + +My peace I find in solitude, + Nor ask I more, dear Lord, than this: +Be Thou my sole beatitude, + And ever--in Thee--renewed + My joy, my bliss! + +Thou, the great God Whom earth and Heaven adore, + Thou dwell'st a prisoner for me night and day; +And every hour I hear Thy Voice implore: + "I thirst--I thirst--I thirst--for love alway!" + +I, too, Thy prisoner am I; + I, too, cry ever unto Thee +Thine own divine and tender cry: + "I thirst!" Oh, let me die + Of love for Thee. + +For love of Thee I thirst! fulfil my hope; + Augment in me Thine own celestial flame! +For love of Thee I thirst! too scant earth's scope: + The glorious Vision of Thy Face I claim! + +My long, slow martyrdom of fire + Still more and more consumeth me. +Thou art my joy, my one desire, + Jesu! may I expire + Of love for Thee. + +April 30, 1896. + + +TO SCATTER FLOWERS + +O Jesus! O my Love! each eve I come to fling + My springtide roses sweet before Thy Cross divine; +By their plucked petals fair, my hands so gladly bring, + I long to dry Thine every tear! + +To scatter flowers!--that means each sacrifice: + My lightest sighs and pains, my heaviest, saddest hours, +My hopes, my joys, my prayers--I will not count the price-- + Behold my flowers! + +With deep untold delight Thy beauty fills my soul, + Would I might light this love in hearts of all who live! +For this, my fairest flowers, all things in my control, + How fondly, gladly would I give! + +To scatter flowers!--behold my chosen sword + For saving sinners' souls and filling Heaven's bowers: +The victory is mine--yea, I disarm Thee, Lord, + With these my flowers! + +The petals in their flight caress Thy Holy Face; + They tell Thee that my heart is Thine, and Thine alone. +Thou knowest what these leaves are saying in my place: + On me Thou smilest from Thy Throne. + +To scatter flowers!--that means, to speak of Thee-- + My only pleasure here, where tears fill all the hours; +But soon, with Angel Hosts, my spirit shall be free + To scatter flowers. + +June 28, 1896. + + +WHY I LOVE THEE, MARY! + +Last Poem written by Soeur Thérèse + +Concluding Stanzas + +Henceforth thy shelter in thy woe was John's most humble dwelling; + The son of Zebedee replaced the Son Whom Heaven adored. +Naught else the Gospels tell us of thy life, in grace excelling; + It is the last they say of thee, sweet Mother of my Lord! + +But oh! I think that silence means that, high in Heaven's Glory, + When time is past, and to their House thy children safe are +come, +The Eternal Word, my Mother dear, Himself will tell thy story, + To charm our souls--thy children's souls--in our Eternal Home. + +Soon I shall hear that harmony, that blissful, wondrous singing; + Soon, unto Heaven that waits for us, my soul shall swiftly fly. +O thou who cam'st to smile on me at dawn of life's beginning! + Come once again to smile on me . . . Mother! the night is nigh. + +I fear no more thy majesty, so far removed above me, + For I have suffered sore with thee: now hear me, Mother mild! +Oh, let me tell thee face to face, dear Mary! how I love thee; + And say to thee for evermore: I am Thy little child. + +May 1897. + +NOTE.--The above poems are reprinted from the translation of the +Little Flower's poems made by Susan L. Emery, of Dorchester, +Mass., +U.S.A., and published by the Carmel of Boston. [Ed.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une +Âme): The Autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, by Thérèse Martin (of Lisieux) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF A SOUL *** + +***** This file should be named 16772-8.txt or 16772-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/7/7/16772/ + +Produced by David McClamrock + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/16772-8.zip b/16772-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f7bf70 --- /dev/null +++ b/16772-8.zip diff --git a/16772.txt b/16772.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec1aeb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/16772.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12131 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une Ame): +The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux, by Therese Martin (of Lisieux) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une Ame): The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux + With Additional Writings and Sayings of St. Therese + +Author: Therese Martin (of Lisieux) + +Translator: Thomas Taylor + +Release Date: September 28, 2005 [EBook #16772] +[Date last updated: January 3, 2009] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF A SOUL *** + + + + +Produced by David McClamrock + + + + + +ST. THERESE OF LISIEUX + +THE STORY OF A SOUL (L'HISTOIRE D'UNE AME): THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF +ST. THERESE OF LISIEUX + +WITH ADDITIONAL WRITINGS AND SAYINGS OF ST. THERESE + +______________________________ + +NOTE TO THIS ELECTRONIC EDITION + +This electronic edition of the autobiography of St. Therese of +Lisieux (_The Story of a Soul_) includes much, but not all, of the +content of _Soeur Therese of Lisieux_ (London: Burns, Oates & +Washbourne, 1912; 8th ed., 1922), edited by Rev. T.N. Taylor. All +the translated writings and sayings of St. Therese contained in +that book are in this electronic edition, including the +autobiography as well as "Counsels and Reminiscences," letters, +and selected poems. Also included are the preface by Cardinal +Bourne, the prologue relating Therese's parentage and birth, and +the epilogue describing her final illness, her death, and related +events. Not included are the illustrations, the list of +illustrations, accounts of favors attributed to the intercession +of St. Therese, documents related to her beatification, and some +other material not written by her. + +Footnotes have been re-numbered sequentially in each chapter. They +are presented at the end of each chapter, and some have been +slightly modified for ease of reference. A few footnotes, +referring to page numbers in the original, have been modified or +omitted. Citations to the Psalms, many of which were numbered +differently in Catholic Bibles of St. Therese's time than they +commonly are today, have the "new" number in brackets next to the +"old" number from the original--e.g., "Psalm 22[23]:1-4." Footnote +numbers are shown in brackets, e.g., "[1]." + +The original page headers, page numbering, disclaimer of any +intention to anticipate the judgment of the Church in calling St. +Therese a "saint" before her canonization, and other extraneous +matter, which were deemed suitable for a printed book in 1922 but +not for an e-book in 2005, are not here. The French "oe" ligature, +in words such as "soeur," is not available in the standard +ISO-8859-1 character set, and obviously is represented here by the +two-letter combination "oe." Italics are represented by +underscores at the beginning and end, _like this._ The first word +of each chapter is not set in all caps as it was in the printed +book. A few obvious typographical errors have been corrected, with +the changes in brackets, e.g., "[s]he" for "the" in Chapter IX. +All else, including capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and +British spelling, is intended to reflect the content of the eighth +edition of _Soeur Therese of Lisieux._ If it does not, the fault +is that of the transcriber (me, David McClamrock). + +______________________________ + +SOEUR THERESE OF LISIEUX, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +A NEW AND COMPLETE TRANSLATION OF L'HISTOIRE D'UNE AME, WITH AN +ACCOUNT OF SOME FAVOURS ATTRIBUTED TO THE INTERCESSION OF SOEUR +THERESE + +EDITED BY T. N. TAYLOR: PRIEST OF THE ARCHDIOCESE OF GLASGOW: +WITNESS BEFORE THE TRIBUNAL OF THE BEATIFICATION + +BURNS, OATES & WASHBOURNE LD. + +TWENTY-EIGHT ORCHARD STREET, LONDON, W., AND EIGHT TO TEN +PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C. + +______________________________ + +NIHIL OBSTAT JOANNES N. STRASSMAIER, S.J. Censor Deputatus + +IMPRIMATUR EDMUNDUS Canonicus SURMONT Vicarius Generalis + +WESTMONASTERII, die nona Decembris, 1912. + +______________________________ + +CONTENTS + +______________________________ + +DEDICATION + +PREFACE BY H.E. CARDINAL BOURNE + +PROLOGUE: PARENTAGE AND BIRTH + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY + +Chapter I. Earliest Memories + " II. A Catholic Household + " III. Pauline Enters the Carmel + " IV. First Communion and Confirmation + " V. Vocation of Therese + " VI. A Pilgrimage to Rome + " VII. The Little Flower Enters the Carmel + " VIII. Profession of Soeur Therese + " IX. The Night of the Soul + " X. The New Commandment + " XI. A Canticle of Love + +EPILOGUE: A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +COUNSELS AND REMINISCENCES + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THERESE + To Celine + To Mother Agnes of Jesus + To Sister Mary of the Sacred Heart + To Sister Frances Teresa + To Marie Guerin + To Jeanne Guerin + To Missionaries + +PRAYERS OF SOEUR THERESE + Her Act of Oblation + A Morning Prayer + Act of Consecration to the Holy Face + Prayer in Honour of the Holy Child + Prayer to the Holy Child + Prayer to the Holy Face + Prayer in Honour of St. Joan of Arc + Prayer to Obtain Humility + +DAYS OF GRACE + +SELECTED POEMS + My Song of To-day + Memories + I Thirst for Love + To Scatter Flowers + Why I Love Thee, Mary + +SHOWER OF ROSES [omitted] + +PROCESS OF BEATIFICATION [omitted] + +LETTERS OF PIUS X AND OTHERS [omitted] + +INDULGENCED PRAYERS [omitted] + +SUPPLEMENT [omitted] + +______________________________ + +THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE SERVANT OF GOD, SOEUR THERESE, IN +THANKSGIVING FOR GRACES OBTAINED, AND TO HER "PETITE MERE," MOTHER +AGNES OF JESUS, IN GRATEFUL MEMORY OF INNUMERABLE KINDNESSES +EXTENDING OVER MANY YEARS + +______________________________ + +PREFACE + +As we become acquainted with the histories of those in whom, in +long succession, God has been pleased to show forth examples of +holiness of life, it seems as if every phase of human existence +had in the history of the Church received its consecration as a +power to bring men nearer to their Maker. But there is no limit to +the types of sanctity which the Creator is pleased to unfold +before His Creatures. To many, on reading for the first time the +story of Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face, it +came almost as a shock to find a very youthful member of an +austere Order, strictly retired from the world, engaged in hidden +prayer and mortification, appearing before us to reveal to the +whole world the wonders of the close intimacy of friendship to +which her Divine Spouse had been pleased to call her. Certainly +the way by which Soeur Therese was led is not the normal life of +Carmel, nor hers the manner whereby most Carmelites are called to +accomplish the wondrous apostolate of intercession to which their +lives are given. But no less certain is it that, in her particular +case, her work for God and her apostolate were not to be confined +between the walls of her religious home, or to be limited by her +few years on earth. + +In the first place, we know that it was by obedience that the +record of God's dealings with her soul were set down in writing. +And again, the long tale of graces granted in such strange +profusion through her intercession is proof sufficient that it was +not without Divine permission and guidance that the history of her +special and peculiar vocation has become the property of all +Catholics in every land. It is for God to keep, and for Him to +make known the secrets of His Love for men. And in the case of +Soeur Therese it has been His Will to divulge His secrets in most +generous consideration for our needs. + +What are the hidden treasures which Our Divine Master thus reveals +to us through His chosen little servant? + +It is the old story of simplicity in God's service, of the perfect +accomplishment of small recurring duties, of trustful confidence +in Him who made and has redeemed and sanctified us. Humility, +self-effacement, obedience, hiddenness, unfaltering charity, with +all the self-control and constant effort that they imply, are +written on every page of the history of this little Saint. And, as +we turn its pages, the lesson is borne in upon our souls that +there is no surer nor safer way of pleasing Our Father Who is in +Heaven than by remaining ever as little children in His sight. +Doubtless for many of her clients whose hearts are kindled as they +read this book, Soeur Therese will obtain, as she has done so +often in the past, wonderful gifts for health of soul and body. +But may she win for all of us without exception a deep and +fruitful conviction of the unchanging truth, that unless we become +as little children in the doing of our Heavenly Father's Will, we +cannot enter into our Eternal Home. + +FRANCIS CARDINAL BOURNE, Archbishop of Westminster. + +Feast of the Presentation of Our Blessed Lady, 1912. + +______________________________ + +PROLOGUE: THE PARENTAGE & BIRTH OF MARIE FRANCOISE THERESE MARTIN + +In the month of September, 1843, a young man of twenty climbed the +mountain of the Great St. Bernard. His eyes shone with a holy +enthusiasm as the splendour of the Alps stirred to the depths his +responsive nature. Presently, accustomed as they were to discern +God's beauty in the beauty of His handiwork, they glistened with +tears. He paused for a space, then, continuing his journey, soon +reached the celebrated monastery that like a beacon on those +heights darts afar its beams of faith and magnificent charity. + +The Prior, struck by the frank and open countenance of his guest, +welcomed him with more than wonted hospitality. Louis Joseph +Stanislaus Martin was the pilgrim's name. He was born on August +22, 1823, at Bordeaux, while his father, a brave and devout +soldier, was captain in the garrison there. "God has predestined +this little one for Himself," said the saintly Bishop of Bordeaux +on the occasion of his baptism, and events have proved the truth +of his words. From this town, by the banks of the Garonne, his +parents went to Alencon in lower Normandy, and there in their new +home, as in their old one, Louis was the cherished Benjamin. + +It was not the loveliness of Swiss lakes and mountains and skies +that had drawn the traveller from distant Alencon. He came to the +monastery--and his journey was chiefly on foot--to consecrate his +days to God. On learning his purpose the Prior questioned him upon +his knowledge of Latin, only to discover that the young aspirant +had not completed his course of studies in that language. "I am +indeed sorry, my child," said the venerable monk, "since this is +an essential condition, but you must not be disheartened. Go back +to your own country, apply yourself diligently, and when you have +ended your studies we shall receive you with open arms." + +Louis was disappointed. He set out for home--for exile he would +have said--but ere long he saw clearly that his life was to be +dedicated to God in another and equally fruitful way, and that the +Alpine monastery was to be nothing more to him than a sweet memory. + +* * * * * * + +A few years after the vain quest of Louis Martin, a similar scene +was enacted in Alencon itself. Accompanied by her mother, Zelie +Guerin--an attractive and pious girl--presented herself at the +Convent of the Sisters of Charity in the hope of gaining +admission. For years it had been her desire to share the Sisters' +work, but this was not to be. In the interview that followed, the +Superioress--guided by the Holy Ghost--decided unhesitatingly +that Zelie's vocation was not for the religious life. God wanted +her in the world, and so she returned to her parents, and to the +companionship of her elder sister and her younger brother. Shortly +afterwards the gates of the Visitation Convent at Le Mans closed +upon her beloved sister, and Zelie's thoughts turned to the +Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. "O my God"--she repeated constantly-- +"since I am unworthy to be Thy Spouse, like my dear sister, I +shall enter the married state to fulfill Thy Holy Will, and I +beseech Thee to make me the mother of many children, and to grant +that all of them may be dedicated to Thee." + +God gave ear to her prayer, and His Finger was visible in the +circumstances which led to her becoming the wife of Louis Martin, +on July 12, 1858, in Alencon's lovely Church of Notre Dame. Like +the chaste Tobias, they were joined together in matrimony--"solely +for the love of children, in whom God's Name might be blessed for +ever and ever." Nine white flowers bloomed in this sacred garden. +Of the nine, four were transplanted to Paradise ere their buds had +quite unfolded, while five were gathered in God's walled gardens +upon earth, one entering the Visitation Convent at Caen, the others the +Carmel of Lisieux. From the cradle all were dedicated to Mary +Immaculate, and all received her name: Marie Louise, Marie Pauline, +Marie Leonie, Marie Helene, who died at the age of four and a half, +Marie Joseph Louis, Marie Joseph Jean Baptiste, Marie Celine, Marie +Melanie Therese, who died when three months old, and lastly, _Marie +Francoise Therese._ + +The two boys were the fruit of prayers and tears. After the birth +of the four elder girls, their parents entreated St. Joseph to +obtain for them the favour of a son who should become a priest and +a missionary. Marie Joseph soon was given them, and his pretty +ways appealed to all hearts, but only five months had run their +course when Heaven demanded what it had lent. Then followed more +urgent novenas. + +The grandeur of the Priesthood, glorious upon earth, ineffable in +eternity, was so well understood by those Christian parents, that +their hearts coveted it most dearly. At all costs the family must +have a Priest of the Lord, one who would be an apostle, +peradventure a martyr. But, "the thoughts of the Lord are not our +thoughts, His ways are not our ways." Another little Joseph was +born, and with him hope once again grew strong. Alas! Nine months +had scarcely passed when he, too, fled from this world and joined +his angel brother. + +They did not ask again. Yet, could the veil of the future have +been lifted, their heavy hearts would, of a surety, have been +comforted. A child was to be vouchsafed them who would be a herald +of Divine love, not to China alone, but to all the ends of the +earth. + +Nay, they themselves were destined to shine as apostles, and we +read on one of the first pages of the Portuguese edition of the +Autobiography, these significant words of an eminent Jesuit: + +"To the Sacred Memory of Louis Joseph Stanislaus Martin and of +Zelie Guerin, the blessed parents of Sister Teresa of the Child +Jesus, for an example to all Christian parents." + +They little dreamed of this future apostolate, nevertheless they +made ready their souls day by day to be God's own instruments in +God's good time. With most loving resignation they greeted the +many crosses which the Lord laid upon them--the Lord whose tender +name of Father is truest in the dark hour of trial. + +Every morning saw them at Mass; together they knelt at the Holy +Table. They strictly observed the fasts and abstinences of the +Church, kept Sunday as a day of complete rest from work in spite +of the remonstrance of friends, and found in pious reading their +most delightful recreation. They prayed in common--after the +touching example of Captain Martin, whose devout way of repeating +the _Our Father_ brought tears to all eyes. Thus the great +Christian virtues flourished in their home. Wealth did not bring +luxury in its train, and a strict simplicity was invariably +observed. + +"How mistaken are the great majority of men!" Madame Martin used +often to say. "If they are rich, they at once desire honours; and +if these are obtained, they are still unhappy; for never can that +heart be satisfied which seeks anything but God." + +Her whole ambition as a mother was directed to Heaven. "Four of my +children are already well settled in life," she once wrote; "and +the others will go likewise to that Heavenly Kingdom--enriched +with greater merit because the combat will have been more +prolonged." + +Charity in all its forms was a natural outlet to the piety of +these simple hearts. Husband and wife set aside each year a +considerable portion of their earnings for the Propagation of the +Faith; they relieved poor persons in distress, and ministered to +them with their own hands. On one occasion Monsieur Martin, like a +good Samaritan, was seen to raise a drunken man from the ground in +a busy thoroughfare, take his bag of tools, support him on his +arm, and lead him home. Another time when he saw, in a railway +station, a poor and starving epileptic without the means to return +to his distant home, he was so touched with pity that he took off +his hat and, placing in it an alms, proceeded to beg from the +passengers on behalf of the sufferer. Money poured in, and it was +with a heart brimming over with gratitude that the sick man +blessed his benefactor. + +Never did he allow the meannesses of human respect to degrade his +Christian dignity. In whatever company he might be, he always +saluted the Blessed Sacrament when passing a Church; and he never +met a priest without paying him a mark of respect. A word from his +lips sufficed to silence whosoever dared blaspheme in his presence. + +In reward for his virtues, God showered even temporal blessings on +His faithful servant. In 1871 he was able to give up his business +as a jeweller, and retire to a house in the Rue St. Blaise. The +making of point-lace, however, begun by Madame Martin, was still +carried on. + +In that house the "Little Flower of Jesus" first saw the sunshine. +Again and again, in the pages of her Autobiography, she calls +herself by this modest name of the _Little Flower,_ emblematic of +her humility, her purity, her simplicity, and it may be added, of +the poetry of her soul. The reader will learn in the Epilogue how +it was also used by one of her favourite martyr-saints--the now +Blessed Theophane Venard. On the manuscript of her Autobiography +she set the title: _"The Story of the Springtime of a little white +Flower,"_ and in truth such it was, for long ere the rigours of +life's winter came round, the Flower was blossoming in Paradise. + +It was, however, in mid-winter, January 2, 1873, that this ninth +child of Louis Martin and Zelie Guerin was born. Marie and Pauline +were at home for the Christmas holidays from the Visitation +Convent at Le Mans, and though there was, it is true, a slight +disappointment that the future priest was still denied them, it +quickly passed, and the little one was regarded as a special gift +from Heaven. Later on, her beloved Father delighted in calling +her his "Little Queen," adding at times the high-sounding +titles--"Of France and Navarre." + +The Little Queen was indeed well received that winter's morning, +and in the course of the day a poor waif rang timidly at the door +of the happy home, and presented a paper bearing the following +simple stanza: + +"Smile and swiftly grow; All beckons thee to joy, Sweet love, and +tenderest care. Smile gladly at the dawn, Bud of an hour!--for +thou Shalt be a stately rose." + +It was a charming prophecy, for the bud unfolded its petals and +became a rose--a rose of love--but not for long, "for the space of +a morn!" + +* * * * * * + +On January 4, she was carried to the Church of Notre Dame to +receive the Sacrament of Baptism; her eldest sister, Marie, was +her godmother, and she was given the name of _Marie Francoise +Therese._[1] + +All was joy at first, but soon the tender bud drooped on its +delicate stem: little hope was held out--it must wither and die. +"You must pray to St. Francis de Sales," wrote her aunt from the +convent at Le Mans, "and you must promise, if the child recovers, +to call her by her second name, Frances." This was a sword-thrust +for the Mother. Leaning over the cradle of her Therese, she +awaited the coming of the end, saying: "Only when the last hope +has gone, will I promise to call her Frances." + +The gentle St. Francis waived his claim in favour of the great +Reformer of the Carmelite Order: the child recovered, and so +retained her sweet name of Therese. Sorrow, however, was mixed +with the Mother's joy, when it became necessary to send the babe +to a foster-mother in the country. There the "little rose-bud" +grew in beauty, and after some months had gained strength +sufficient to allow of her being brought back to Alencon. Her +memory of this short but happy time spent with her sainted Mother +in the Rue St. Blaise was extraordinarily vivid. To-day a tablet +on the balcony of No. 42 informs the passers-by that here was born +a certain Carmelite, by name, Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and +the Holy Face. Fifteen years have gone since the meeting in Heaven +of Madame Martin and her Carmelite child, and if the pilgrimage to +where the Little Flower first saw the light of day, be not so +large as that to the grave where her remains await their glorious +resurrection, it may nevertheless be numbered in thousands. And to +the English-speaking pilgrim there is an added pleasure in the +fact that her most notable convert, the first minister of the +United Free Church of Scotland to enter the True Fold, performs, +with his convert wife, the courteous duties of host. + +* * * * * * + +It will not be amiss to say a brief word here on the brother and +sister of Madame Martin. Her sister--in religion, Sister Marie +Dosithea--led a life so holy at Le Mans that she was cited by Dom +Gueranger, perhaps the most distinguished Benedictine of the +nineteenth century, as the model of a perfect nun. By her own +confession, she had never been guilty from earliest childhood of +the smallest deliberate fault. She died on February 24, 1877. It +was in the convent made fragrant by such holiness that her niece +Pauline Martin, elder sister and "little mother" of Therese, and +for five years her Prioress at the Carmel, received her education. +And if the Little Flower may have imbibed the liturgical spirit +from her teachers, the daughters of St. Benedict in Lisieux, so +that she could say before her death: "I do not think it is +possible for anyone to have desired more than I to assist properly +at choir and to recite perfectly the Divine Office"--may it not be +to the influences from Le Mans that may be traced something of the +honey-sweet spirit of St. Francis de Sales which pervades the +pages of the Autobiography? + +With the brother of Zelie Guerin the reader will make acquaintance +in the narrative of Therese. He was a chemist in Lisieux, and it +was there his daughter Jeanne Guerin married Dr. La Neele and his +younger child Marie entered the Carmel. Our foreign missionaries +had a warm friend in the uncle of Therese--for his charities he +was made godfather to an African King; and to the Catholic +Press--that home missionary--he was ever most devoted. Founder, at +Lisieux, of the Nocturnal Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and +a zealous member of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, he was +called to his abundant reward on September 28, 1909. Verily the +lamp of faith is not extinct in the land of the Norman. + +The Father of Therese, after the death of his wife, likewise made +his home in the delightful town which lies amid the beautiful +apple orchards of the valley of the Touques. Lisieux is deeply +interesting by reason of its fine old churches of St. Jacques and +St. Pierre, and its wonderful specimens of quaint houses, some of +which date from the twelfth century. In matters of faith it is +neither fervent nor hostile, and in 1877 its inhabitants little +thought that through their new citizen, Marie Francoise Therese +Martin, their town would be rendered immortal. + +* * * * * * + +"The cell at Lisieux reminds us of the cell of the Blessed Gabriel +at Isola. There is the same even tenor of way, the same +magnificant fidelity in little things, the same flames of divine +charity, consuming but concealed. Nazareth, with the simplicity of +its Child, and the calm abysmal love of Mary and Joseph--Nazareth, +adorable but imitable, gives the key to her spirit, and her +Autobiography does but repeat the lessons of the thirty hidden +years."[2] + +And it repeats them with an unrivalled charm. "This master of +asceticism," writes a biographer[3] of St. Ignatius Loyola, "loved +the garden and loved the flowers. In the balcony of his study he +sat gazing on the stars: it was then Lainez heard him say: 'Oh, +how earth grows base to me when I look on Heaven!' . . . The like +imaginative strain, so scorned of our petty day, inhered in all +the lofty souls of that age. Even the Saints of our day speak a +less radiant language: and sanctity shows 'shorn of its rays' +through the black fog of universal utilitarianism, the materiality +which men have drawn into the very lungs of their souls." + +This is not true of the sainted authoress of the chapters that +follow--"less radiant," in the medium of a translation. In her +own inimitable pages, as in those of a Campion or an Ignatius, a +Teresa of Avila, or a John of the Cross--the Spirit of Poetry is +the handmaiden of Holiness. This new lover of flowers and student +of the stars, this "strewer of roses," has uplifted a million +hearts from the "base earth" and "black fog" to the very throne of +God, and her mission is as yet but begun. + +The pen of Soeur Therese herself must now take up the narrative. +It will do so in words that do not merely tell of love but set the +heart on fire, and at the same time lay bare the workings of God +in a soul that "since the age of three never refused the Good God +anything." The writing of this Autobiography was an act of +obedience, and the Prioress who imposed the task sought, in all +simplicity, her own personal edification. But the fragrance of its +pages was such that she was advised to publish them to the world. +She did so in 1899 under the title of _L'Histoire d'une Ame._ An +English version by M. H. Dziewicki appeared in 1901. + +This new translation relates more fully the story of the +childhood, girlhood, and brief convent days of Soeur Therese. It +tells of her "Roses," and sets forth again, in our world-wide +tongue, her world-wide embassy--the ever ancient message of God's +Merciful Love, the ever new _way_ to Him of "confidence and +self-surrender." + +The Editor. +______________________________ + +[1] The baptismal entry, with its numerous signatures, is shown to +visitors, and a tablet in the baptistry of the beautiful Gothic +church tells the pilgrim that here the "Little Queen" was made a +child of God. [Ed.] + +[2] _"As Little Children"_: the abridged life of Soeur Therese. +Published at the Orphans' Press, Rochdale. + +[3] Francis Thompson. + +______________________________ + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF SOEUR THERESE OF LISIEUX, ENTITLED BY +HERSELF: "THE STORY OF THE SPRINGTIME OF A LITTLE WHITE FLOWER" + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER I +EARLIEST MEMORIES + +It is to you, dear Mother, that I am about to confide the story of +my soul. When you asked me to write it, I feared the task might +unsettle me, but since then Our Lord has deigned to make me +understand that by simple obedience I shall please Him best. I +begin therefore to sing what must be my eternal song: "the Mercies +of the Lord."[1] + +Before setting about my task I knelt before the statue of Our Lady +which had given my family so many proofs of Our Heavenly Mother's +loving care.[2] As I knelt I begged of that dear Mother to guide +my hand, and thus ensure that only what was pleasing to her should +find place here. + +Then opening the Gospels, my eyes fell on these words: "Jesus, +going up into a mountain, called unto Him whom He would +Himself."[3] + +They threw a clear light upon the mystery of my vocation and of my +entire life, and above all upon the favours which Our Lord has +granted to my soul. He does not call those who are worthy, but +those whom He will. As St. Paul says: "God will have mercy on whom +He will have mercy.[4] So then it is not of him that willeth, nor +of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."[5] + +I often asked myself why God had preferences, why all souls did +not receive an equal measure of grace. I was filled with wonder +when I saw extraordinary favours showered on great sinners like +St. Paul, St. Augustine, St. Mary Magdalen, and many others, whom +He forced, so to speak, to receive His grace. In reading the lives +of the Saints I was surprised to see that there were certain +privileged souls, whom Our Lord favoured from the cradle to the +grave, allowing no obstacle in their path which might keep them +from mounting towards Him, permitting no sin to soil the spotless +brightness of their baptismal robe. And again it puzzled me why so +many poor savages should die without having even heard the name of +God. + +Our Lord has deigned to explain this mystery to me. He showed me +the book of nature, and I understood that every flower created by +Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the +whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or +the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the +lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide +beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely +hues. And so it is in the world of souls, Our Lord's living +garden. He has been pleased to create great Saints who may be +compared to the lily and the rose, but He has also created lesser +ones, who must be content to be daisies or simple violets +flowering at His Feet, and whose mission it is to gladden His +Divine Eyes when He deigns to look down on them. And the more +gladly they do His Will the greater is their perfection. + +I understood this also, that God's Love is made manifest as well +in a simple soul which does not resist His grace as in one more +highly endowed. In fact, the characteristic of love being +self-abasement, if all souls resembled the holy Doctors who have +illuminated the Church, it seems that God in coming to them would +not stoop low enough. But He has created the little child, who +knows nothing and can but utter feeble cries, and the poor savage +who has only the natural law to guide him, and it is to their +hearts that He deigns to stoop. These are the field flowers whose +simplicity charms Him; and by His condescension to them Our +Saviour shows His infinite greatness. As the sun shines both on +the cedar and on the floweret, so the Divine Sun illumines every +soul, great and small, and all correspond to His care--just as in +nature the seasons are so disposed that on the appointed day the +humblest daisy shall unfold its petals. + +You will wonder, dear Mother, to what all this is leading, for +till now I have said nothing that sounds like the story of my +life; but did you not tell me to write quite freely whatever came +into my mind? So, it will not be my life properly speaking, that +you will find in these pages, but my thoughts about the graces +which it has pleased Our Lord to bestow on me. + +I am now at a time of life when I can look back on the past, for +my soul has been refined in the crucible of interior and exterior +trials. Now, like a flower after the storm, I can raise my head +and see that the words of the Psalm are realised in me: "The Lord +is my Shepherd and I shall want nothing. He hath set me in a place +of pasture. He hath brought me up on the water of refreshment. He +hath converted my soul. He hath led me on the paths of justice for +His own Name's sake. For though I should walk in the midst of the +shadow of death, I will fear no evils for Thou are with me."[6] + +Yes, to me Our Lord has always been "compassionate and merciful, +long-suffering and plenteous in mercy."[7] + +And so it gives me great joy, dear Mother, to come to you and sing +His unspeakable mercies. It is for you alone that I write the +story of the little flower gathered by Jesus. This thought will +help me to speak freely, without troubling either about style or +about the many digressions that I shall make; for a Mother's heart +always understands her child, even when it can only lisp, and so I +am sure of being understood and my meaning appreciated. + +If a little flower could speak, it seems to me that it would tell +us quite simply all that God has done for it, without hiding any +of its gifts. It would not, under the pretext of humility, say +that it was not pretty, or that it had not a sweet scent, that the +sun had withered its petals, or the storm bruised its stem, if it +knew that such were not the case. + +The Little Flower, that now tells her tale, rejoiced in having to +publish the wholly undeserved favours bestowed upon her by Our +Lord. She knows that she had nothing in herself worthy of +attracting Him: His Mercy alone showered blessings on her. He +allowed her to grow in holy soil enriched with the odour of +purity, and preceded by eight lilies of shining whiteness. In His +Love He willed to preserve her from the poisoned breath of the +world--hardly had her petals unfolded when this good Master +transplanted her to the mountain of Carmel, Our Lady's chosen +garden. + +And now, dear Mother, having summed up in a few words all that +God's goodness has done for me, I will relate in detail the story +of my childhood. I know that, though to others it may seem +wearisome, your motherly heart will find pleasure in it. In the +story of my soul, up to the time of my entry into the Carmel, +there are three clearly marked periods: the first, in spite of its +shortness, is by no means the least rich in memories. + +It extends from the dawn of reason to the death of my dearly loved +Mother; in other words, till I was four years and eight months +old. God, in His goodness, did me the favour of awakening my +intelligence very early, and He has imprinted the recollections of +my childhood so deeply in my memory that past events seem to have +happened but yesterday. Without doubt He wished to make me know +and appreciate the Mother He had given me. Alas! His Divine Hand +soon took her from me to crown her in Heaven. + +All my life it has pleased Him to surround me with affection. My +first recollections are of loving smiles and tender caresses; but +if He made others love me so much, He made me love them too, for I +was of an affectionate nature. + +You can hardly imagine how much I loved my Father and Mother, and, +being very demonstrative, I showed my love in a thousand little +ways, though the means I employed make me smile now when I think +of them. + +Dear Mother, you have given me the letters which my Mother wrote +at this time to Pauline, who was at school at the Visitation +Convent at Le Mans. I remember perfectly the events they refer to, +but it will be easier for me simply to quote some passages, though +these charming letters, inspired by a Mother's love, are too often +full of my praises. + +In proof of what I have said about my way of showing affection for +my parents, here is an example: "Baby is the dearest little rogue; +she comes to kiss me, and at the same time wishes me to die. 'Oh, +how I wish you would die, dear Mamma,' she said, and when she was +scolded she was quite astonished, and answered: 'But I want you to +go to Heaven, and you say we must die to go there'; and in her +outburst of affection for her Father she wishes him to die too. +The dear little thing will hardly leave me, she follows me +everywhere, but likes going into the garden best; when I am not +there she refuses to stay, and cries so much that they are obliged +to bring her back. She will not even go upstairs alone without +calling me at each step, 'Mamma! Mamma!' and if I forget to answer +'Yes, darling!' she waits where she is, and will not move." + +I was nearly three years old when my Mother wrote: "Little Therese +asked me the other day if she would go to Heaven. 'Yes, if you are +good,' I told her. 'Oh, Mamma,' she answered, 'then if I am not +good, shall I go to Hell? Well, you know what I will do--I shall +fly to you in Heaven, and you will hold me tight in your arms, and +how could God take me away then?' I saw that she was convinced +that God could do nothing to her if she hid herself in my arms." + +"Marie loves her little sister very much; indeed she is a child +who delights us all. She is extraordinarily outspoken, and it is +charming to see her run after me to confess her childish faults: +'Mamma, I have pushed Celine; I slapped her once, but I'll not do +it again.' The moment she has done anything mischievous, everyone +must know. Yesterday, without meaning to do so, she tore off a +small piece of wall paper; you would have been sorry for her--she +wanted to tell her father immediately. When he came home four +hours later, everyone else had forgotten about it, but she ran at +once to Marie saying: 'Tell Papa that I tore the paper.' She +waited there like a criminal for sentence; but she thinks she is +more easily forgiven if she accuses herself." + +Papa's name fills me with many happy memories. Mamma laughingly +said he always did whatever I wanted, but he answered: "Well, why +not? She is the Queen!" Then he would lift me on to his shoulder, +and caress me in all sorts of ways. Yet I cannot say that he +spoilt me. I remember one day while I was swinging he called out +as he passed: "Come and kiss me, little Queen." Contrary to my +usual custom, I would not stir, and answered pertly: "You must +come for it, Papa." He refused quite rightly, and went away. Marie +was there and scolded me, saying: "How naughty to answer Papa like +that!" Her reproof took effect; I got off the swing at once, and +the whole house resounded with my cries. I hurried upstairs, not +waiting this time to call Mamma at each step; my one thought was +to find Papa and make my peace with him. I need not tell you that +this was soon done. + +I could not bear to think I had grieved my beloved parents, and I +acknowledged my faults instantly, as this little anecdote, related +by my Mother, will show: "One morning before going downstairs I +wanted to kiss Therese; she seemed to be fast asleep, and I did +not like to wake her, but Marie said: 'Mamma, I am sure she is +only pretending.' So I bent down to kiss her forehead, and +immediately she hid herself under the clothes, saying in the tone +of a spoilt child: 'I don't want anyone to look at me.' I was not +pleased with her, and told her so. A minute or two afterwards I +heard her crying, and was surprised to see her by my side. She had +got out of her cot by herself, and had come downstairs with bare +feet, stumbling over her long nightdress. Her little face was wet +with tears: 'Mamma,' she said, throwing herself on my knee, 'I am +sorry for being naughty--forgive me!' Pardon was quickly granted; +I took the little angel in my arms and pressed her to my heart, +smothering her with kisses." + +I remember also my great affection for my eldest sister Marie, who +had just left school. Without seeming to do so, I took in all that +I saw and heard, and I think that I reflected on things then as I +do now. I listened attentively while she taught Celine, and was +very good and obedient, so as to obtain the privilege of being +allowed in the room during lessons. She gave me many trifling +presents which pleased me greatly. I was proud of my two big +sisters; but as Pauline seemed so far away from us, I thought of +her all day long. When I was only just learning to talk, and Mamma +asked: "What are you thinking about?" my answer invariably was: +"Pauline." Sometimes I heard people saying that Pauline would be a +nun, and, without quite knowing what it meant, I thought: "I will +be a nun too." This is one of my first recollections, and I have +never changed my mind; so it was the example of this beloved +sister which, from the age of two, drew me to the Divine Spouse of +Virgins. My dearest Mother, what tender memories of Pauline I +could confide to you here! But it would take me too long. + +Leonie had also a very warm place in my heart; she loved me very +much, and her love was returned. In the evening when she came home +from school she used to take care of me while the others went out, +and it seems to me I can still hear the sweet songs she sang to +put me to sleep. I remember perfectly the day of her First +Communion, and I remember also her companion, the poor child whom +my Mother dressed, according to the touching custom of the +well-to-do families in Alencon. This child did not leave Leonie +for an instant on that happy day, and in the evening at the grand +dinner she sat in the place of honour. Alas! I was too small to +stay up for this feast, but I shared in it a little, thanks to +Papa's goodness, for he came himself to bring his little Queen a +piece of the iced cake. + +The only one now left to speak of is Celine, the companion of my +childhood. My memories of her are so many that I do not know which +to choose. We understood each other perfectly, but I was much more +forward and lively, and far less ingenuous. Here is a letter which +will show you, dear Mother, how sweet was Celine, and how naughty +Therese. I was then nearly three years old, and Celine six and a +half. "Celine is naturally inclined to be good; as to the little +puss, Therese, one cannot tell how she will turn out, she is so +young and heedless. She is a very intelligent child, but has not +nearly so sweet a disposition as her sister, and her stubbornness +is almost unconquerable. When she has said 'No,' nothing will make +her change; one could leave her all day in the cellar without +getting her to say 'Yes.' She would sooner sleep there." + +I had another fault also, of which my Mother did not speak in her +letters: it was self-love. Here are two instances:--One day, no +doubt wishing to see how far my pride would go, she smiled and +said to me, "Therese, if you will kiss the ground I will give you +a halfpenny." In those days a halfpenny was a fortune, and in +order to gain it I had not far to stoop, for I was so tiny there +was not much distance between me and the ground; but my pride was +up in arms, and holding myself very erect, I said, "No, thank you, +Mamma, I would rather go without it." + +Another time we were going into the country to see some friends. +Mamma told Marie to put on my prettiest frock, but not to let me +have bare arms. I did not say a word, and appeared as indifferent +as children of that age should be, but I said to myself, "I should +have looked much prettier with bare arms." + +With such a disposition I feel sure that had I been brought up by +careless parents I should have become very wicked, and perhaps +have lost my soul. But Jesus watched over His little Spouse, and +turned even her faults to advantage, for, being checked early in +life, they became a means of leading her towards perfection. For +instance, as I had great self-love and an innate love of good as +well, it was enough to tell me once: "You must not do that," and I +never wanted to do it again. Having only good example before my +eyes, I naturally wished to follow it, and I see with pleasure in +my Mother's letters that as I grew older I began to be a greater +comfort. This is what she writes in 1876: "Even Therese is anxious +to make sacrifices. Marie has given her little sisters a string of +beads on purpose to count their acts of self-denial. They have +really spiritual, but very amusing, conversations together. Celine +said the other day: 'How can God be in such a tiny Host?' Therese +answered: 'That is not strange, because God is Almighty!' 'And +what does Almighty mean?' 'It means that He can do whatever He +likes.' + +"But it is more amusing still to see Therese put her hand in her +pocket, time after time, to pull a bead along the string, whenever +she makes a little sacrifice. The children are inseparable, and +are quite sufficient company for one another. Nurse has given +Therese two bantams, and every day after dinner she and Celine sit +by the fire and play with them. + +"One morning Therese got out of her cot and climbed into Celine's. +The nurse went to fetch her to be dressed, and, when at last she +found her, the little thing said, hugging her sister very hard: +'Oh, Louise! leave me here, don't you see that we are like the +little white bantams, we can't be separated from one another.'" + +It is quite true that I could not be separated from Celine; I +would rather leave my dessert unfinished at table than let her go +without me, and I would get down from my high chair when she did, +and off we went to play together. On Sundays, as I was still too +small to go to the long services, Mamma stayed at home to take +care of me. I was always very good, walking about on tip-toe; but +as soon as I heard the door open there was a tremendous outburst +of joy--I threw myself on my dear little sister, exclaiming: "Oh, +Celine! give me the blessed bread, quick!"[8] One day she had not +brought any--what was to be done? I could not do without it, for I +called this little feast my Mass. A bright idea struck me: "You +have no blessed bread!--make some." Celine immediately opened the +cupboard, took out the bread, cut a tiny bit off, and after saying +a Hail Mary quite solemnly over it, triumphantly presented it to +me; and I, making the sign of the Cross, ate it with devotion, +fancying it tasted exactly like the real blessed bread. + +One day Leonie, thinking no doubt that she was too big to play +with dolls, brought us a basket filled with clothes, pretty pieces +of stuff, and other trifles on which her doll was laid: "Here, +dears," she said, "choose whatever you like." Celine looked at it, +and took a woollen ball. After thinking about it for a minute, I +put out my hand saying: "I choose everything," and I carried off +both doll and basket without more ado. + +This childish incident was a forecast, so to speak, of my whole +life. Later on, when the way of perfection was opened out before +me, I realised that in order to become a Saint one must suffer +much, always seek the most perfect path, and forget oneself. I +also understood that there are many degrees of holiness, that each +soul is free to respond to the calls of Our Lord, to do much or +little for His Love--in a word, to choose amongst the sacrifices +He asks. And then also, as in the days of my childhood, I cried +out: "My God, I choose everything, I will not be a Saint by +halves, I am not afraid of suffering for Thee, I only fear one +thing, and that is to do my own will. Accept the offering of my +will, for I choose all that Thou willest." + +But, dear Mother, I am forgetting myself--I must not tell you yet +of my girlhood, I am still speaking of the baby of three and four +years old. + +I remember a dream I had at that age which impressed itself very +deeply on my memory. I thought I was walking alone in the garden +when, suddenly, I saw near the arbour two hideous little devils +dancing with surprising agility on a barrel of lime, in spite of +the heavy irons attached to their feet. At first they cast fiery +glances at me; then, as though suddenly terrified, I saw them, in +the twinkling of an eye, throw themselves down to the bottom of +the barrel, from which they came out somehow, only to run and hide +themselves in the laundry which opened into the garden. Finding +them such cowards, I wanted to know what they were going to do, +and, overcoming my fears, I went to the window. The wretched +little creatures were there, running about on the tables, not +knowing how to hide themselves from my gaze. From time to time +they came nearer, peering through the windows with an uneasy air, +then, seeing that I was still there, they began to run about again +looking quite desperate. Of course this dream was nothing +extraordinary; yet I think Our Lord made use of it to show me that +a soul in the state of grace has nothing to fear from the devil, +who is a coward, and will even fly from the gaze of a little child. + +Dear Mother, how happy I was at that age! I was beginning to enjoy +life, and goodness itself seemed full of charms. Probably my +character was the same as it is now, for even then I had great +self-command, and made a practice of never complaining when my +things were taken; even if I was unjustly accused, I preferred to +keep silence. There was no merit in this, for I did it naturally. + +How quickly those sunny years of my childhood passed away, and +what tender memories they have imprinted on my mind! I remember +the Sunday walks when my dear Mother always accompanied us; and I +can still feel the impression made on my childish heart at the +sight of the fields bright with cornflowers, poppies, and +marguerites. Even at that age I loved far-stretching views, sunlit +spaces and stately trees; in a word, all nature charmed me and +lifted up my soul to Heaven. + +Often, during these walks, we met poor people. I was always chosen +to give them an alms, which made me feel very happy. Sometimes, my +dear Father, knowing the way was too long for his little Queen, +took me home. This was a cause of grief, and to console me Celine +would fill her basket with daisies, and give them to me on her +return. Truly everything on earth smiled on me; I found flowers +strewn at every step, and my naturally happy disposition helped to +make life bright. But a new era was about to dawn. + +I was to be the Spouse of Our Lord at such an early age that it +was necessary I should suffer from my childhood. As the early +spring flowers begin to come up under the snow and open at the +first rays of the sun, so the Little Flower whose story I am +writing had to pass through the winter of trial and to have her +tender cup filled with the dew of tears. +______________________________ + +[1] Ps. 88[89]:1. + +[2] This statue twice appeared as if endowed with life, in order +to enlighten and console Mme. Martin, mother of Therese. A like +favour was granted to Therese herself, as will be seen in the +course of the narrative. + +[3] Mark 3:13. + +[4] Cf. Exodus 33:19. + +[5] Cf. Rom. 9:16. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 22[23]:1-4. + +[7] Ps. 102[103]:8. + +[8] The custom still prevails in some parts of France of blessing +bread at the Offertory of the Mass and then distributing it to the +faithful. It is known as _pain benit._ This blessing only takes +place at the Parochial Mass. [Ed.] + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER II +A CATHOLIC HOUSEHOLD + +All the details of my Mother's illness are still fresh in my mind. +I remember especially her last weeks on earth, when Celine and I +felt like poor little exiles. Every morning a friend came to fetch +us, and we spent the day with her. Once, we had not had time to +say our prayers before starting, and on the way my little sister +whispered: "Must we tell her that we have not said our prayers?" +"Yes," I answered. So, very timidly, Celine confided our secret to +her, and she exclaimed: "Well, well, children, you shall say +them." Then she took us to a large room, and left us there. Celine +looked at me in amazement. I was equally astonished, and +exclaimed: "This is not like Mamma, she always said our prayers +with us." During the day, in spite of all efforts to amuse us, the +thought of our dear Mother was constantly in our minds. I remember +once, when my sister had an apricot given to her, she leant +towards me and said: "We will not eat it, I will give it to +Mamma." Alas! our beloved Mother was now too ill to eat any +earthly fruit; she would never more be satisfied but by the glory +of Heaven. There she would drink of the mysterious wine which +Jesus, at His Last Supper, promised to share with us in the +Kingdom of His Father. + +The touching ceremony of Extreme Unction made a deep impression on +me. I can still see the place where I knelt, and hear my poor +Father's sobs. + +My dear Mother died on August 28, 1877, in her forty-sixth year. +The day after her death my Father took me in his arms and said: +"Come and kiss your dear Mother for the last time." Without saying +a word I put my lips to her icy forehead. I do not remember having +cried much, and I did not talk to anyone of all that filled my +heart; I looked and listened in silence, and I saw many things +they would have hidden from me. Once I found myself close to the +coffin in the passage. I stood looking at it for a long time; I +had never seen one before, but I knew what it was. I was so small +that I had to lift up my head to see its whole length, and it +seemed to me very big and very sad. + +Fifteen years later I was again standing by another coffin, that +of our holy Mother Genevieve,[1] and I was carried back to the +days of my childhood. Memories crowded upon me; it was the same +little Therese who looked at it, but she had grown, and the coffin +seemed small. She had not to lift up her head to it, now she only +raised her eyes to contemplate Heaven which seemed to her very +full of joy, for trials had matured and strengthened her soul, so +that nothing on earth could make her grieve. + +Our Lord did not leave me wholly an orphan; on the day of my +Mother's funeral He gave me another mother, and allowed me to +choose her freely. We were all five together, looking at one +another sadly, when our nurse, overcome with emotion, said, +turning to Celine and to me: "Poor little dears, you no longer +have a Mother." Then Celine threw herself into Marie's arms, +crying: "Well, you will be my Mother now." I was so accustomed to +imitate Celine that I should undoubtedly have followed her +example, but I feared Pauline would be sad and feel herself left +out if she too had not a little daughter. So, with a loving look, +I hid my face on her breast saying in my turn: "And Pauline will +be my Mother." + +That day, as I have said, began the second period of my life. It +was the most sorrowful of all, especially after Pauline, my second +Mother, entered the Carmel; and it lasted from the time I was four +years old until I was fourteen, when I recovered much of my +childish gaiety, even though I understood more fully the serious +side of life. + +I must tell you that after my Mother's death my naturally happy +disposition completely changed. Instead of being lively and +demonstrative as I had been, I became timid, shy, and extremely +sensitive; a look was enough to make me burst into tears. I could +not bear to be noticed or to meet strangers, and was only at ease +in my own family circle. There I was always cherished with the +most loving care; my Father's affectionate heart seemed endowed +with a mother's love, and my sisters were no less tender and +devoted. If Our Lord had not lavished so much love and sunshine on +His Little Flower, she never could have become acclimatised to +this earth. Still too weak to bear the storm, she needed warmth, +refreshing dew, and soft breezes, and these gifts were never +wanting to her, even in the chilling seasons of trials. + +Soon after my Mother's death, Papa made up his mind to leave +Alencon and live at Lisieux, so that we might be near our uncle, +my Mother's brother. He made this sacrifice in order that my young +sisters should have the benefit of their aunt's guidance in their +new life, and that she might act as a mother towards them. I did +not feel any grief at leaving my native town: children love change +and anything out of the common, and so I was pleased to come to +Lisieux. I remember the journey quite well, and our arrival in the +evening at my uncle's house, and I can still see my little +cousins, Jeanne and Marie, waiting on the doorstep with my aunt. +How touching was the affection all these dear ones showed us! + +The next day they took us to our new home, _Les Buissonets,_[2] +situated in a quiet part of the town. I was charmed with the house +my Father had taken. The large upper window from which there was +an extensive view, the flower garden in front, and the kitchen +garden at the back--all these seemed delightfully new to my +childish mind; and this happy home became the scene of many joys +and of family gatherings which I can never forget. Elsewhere, as I +said before, I felt an exile, I cried and fretted for my Mother; +but here my little heart expanded, and I smiled on life once more. + +When I woke there were my sisters ready to caress me, and I said +my prayers kneeling between them. Then Pauline gave me my reading +lesson, and I remember that "Heaven" was the first word I could +read alone. When lessons were over I went upstairs, where Papa was +generally to be found, and how pleased I was when I had good marks +to show. Every afternoon I went out for a walk with him, and we +paid a visit to the Blessed Sacrament in one or other of the +Churches. It was in this way that I first saw the Chapel of the +Carmel: "Look, little Queen," Papa said to me, "behind that big +grating there are holy nuns who are always praying to Almighty +God." Little did I think that nine years later I should be amongst +them, that in this blessed Carmel I should receive so many graces. + +On returning home I learnt my lessons, and then spent the rest of +the day playing in the garden near Papa. I never cared for dolls, +but one of my favourite amusements was making coloured mixtures +with seeds and the bark of trees. If the colours were pretty, I +would promptly offer them to Papa in a little cup and entice him +to taste them; then my dearest Father would leave his work and +smilingly pretend to drink. I was very fond of flowers, and amused +myself by making little altars in holes which I happened to find +in the middle of my garden wall. When finished I would run and +call Papa, and he seemed delighted with them. I should never stop +if I told you of the thousand and one incidents of this kind that +I can remember. How shall I make you understand the love that my +Father lavished on his little Queen! + +Those were specially happy days for me when I went fishing with my +dear "King," as I used to call him. Sometimes I tried my hand with +a small rod of my own, but generally I preferred to sit on the +grass some distance away. Then my reflections became really deep, +and, without knowing what meditation meant, my soul was absorbed +in prayer. Far-off sounds reached me, the murmuring of the wind, +sometimes a few uncertain notes of music from a military band in +the town a long way off; all this imparted a touch of melancholy +to my thoughts. Earth seemed a place of exile, and I dreamed of +Heaven. + +The afternoon passed quickly away, and it was soon time to go +home, but before packing up I would eat the provisions I had +brought in a small basket. Somehow the slices of bread and jam, +prepared by my sisters, looked different; they had seemed so +tempting, and now they looked stale and uninviting. Even such a +trifle as this made the earth seem sadder, and I realised that +only in Heaven will there be unclouded joy. + +Speaking of clouds, I remember how one day when we were out, the +blue sky became overcast and a storm came on, accompanied by vivid +lightning. I looked round on every side, so as to lose nothing of +the grand sight. A thunderbolt fell in a field close by, and, far +from feeling the least bit afraid, I was delighted--it seemed that +God was so near. Papa was not so pleased, and put an end to my +reverie, for already the tall grass and daisies, taller than I, +were sparkling with rain-drops, and we had to cross several fields +to reach the road. In spite of his fishing tackle, he carried me +in his arms while I looked down in the beautiful jewelled drops, +almost sorry that I could not be drenched by them. + +I do not think I have told you that in our daily walks at Lisieux, +as in Alencon, I often used to give alms to the beggars. One day +we came upon a poor old man who dragged himself painfully along on +crutches. I went up to give him a penny. He looked sadly at me for +a long time, and then, shaking his head with a sorrowful smile, he +refused my alms. I cannot tell you what I felt; I had wished to +help and comfort him, and instead of that, I had, perhaps, hurt +him and caused him pain. He must have guessed my thought, for I +saw him turn round and smile at me when we were some way off. + +Just then Papa bought me a cake. I wished very much to run after +the old man and give it to him, for I thought: "Well, he did not +want money, but I am sure he would like to have a cake." I do not +know what held me back, and I felt so sad I could hardly keep from +crying; then I remembered having heard that one obtains all the +favours asked for on one's First Communion Day. This thought +consoled me immediately, and though I was only six years old at +the time, I said to myself: "I will pray for my poor old man on +the day of my First Communion." Five years later I faithfully kept +my resolution. I have always thought that my childish prayer for +this suffering member of Christ has been blessed and rewarded. + +As I grew older my love of God grew more and more. I often offered +my heart to Him, using the words my Mother had taught me, and I +tried very hard to please Him in all my actions, taking great care +never to offend Him. And yet one day I committed a fault which I +must tell you here--it gives me a good opportunity of humbling +myself, though I believe I have grieved over it with perfect +contrition. + +It was the month of May, 1878. My sisters decided that I was too +small to go to the May devotions every evening, so I stayed at +home with the nurse and said my prayers with her before the little +altar which I had arranged according to my own taste. Everything +was small--candlesticks, vases, and the rest; two wax vestas were +quite sufficient to light it up properly. Sometimes Victoire, the +maid, gave me some little bits of real candle, but not often. + +One evening, when we went to our prayers, I said to her: "Will you +begin the _Memorare?_ I am going to light the candles." She tried +to begin, and then looked at me and burst out laughing. Seeing my +precious vestas burning quickly away, I begged her once more to +say the _Memorare._ Again there was silence, broken only by bursts +of laughter. All my natural good temper deserted me. I got up +feeling dreadfully angry, and, stamping my foot furiously, I cried +out: "Victoire, you naughty girl!" She stopped laughing at once, +and looked at me in utter astonishment, then showed me--too +late--the surprise she had in store hidden under her apron--two +pieces of candle. My tears of anger were soon changed into tears +of sorrow; I was very much ashamed and grieved, and made a firm +resolution never to act in such a way again. + +Shortly after this I made my first confession.[3] It is a very +sweet memory. Pauline had warned me: "Therese, darling, it is not +to a man but to God Himself that you are going to tell your sins." +I was so persuaded of this that I asked her quite seriously if I +should not tell Father Ducellier that I loved him "with my whole +heart," as it was really God I was going to speak to in his person. + +Well instructed as to what I was to do, I entered the +confessional, and turning round to the priest, so as to see him +better, I made my confession and received absolution in a spirit +of lively faith--my sister having assured me that at this solemn +moment the tears of the Holy Child Jesus would purify my soul. I +remember well that he exhorted me above all to a tender devotion +towards Our Lady, and I promised to redouble my love for her who +already filled so large a place in my heart. Then I passed him my +Rosary to be blessed, and came out of the Confessional more joyful +and lighthearted than I had ever felt before. It was evening, and +as soon as I got to a street lamp I stopped and took the newly +blessed Rosary out of my pocket, turning it over and over. "What +are you looking at, Therese, dear?" asked Pauline. "I am seeing +what a blessed Rosary looks like." This childish answer amused my +sisters very much. I was deeply impressed by the graces I had +received, and wished to go to confession again for all the big +feasts, for these confessions filled me with joy. The feasts! What +precious memories these simple words bring to me. I loved them; +and my sisters knew so well how to explain the mysteries hidden in +each one. Those days of earth became days of Heaven. Above all I +loved the procession of the Blessed Sacrament: what a joy it was +to strew flowers in God's path! But before scattering them on the +ground I threw them high in the air, and was never so happy as +when I saw my rose-leaves touch the sacred Monstrance. + +And if the great feasts came but seldom, each week brought one +very dear to my heart, and that was Sunday. What a glorious day! +The Feast of God! The day of rest! First of all the whole family +went to High Mass, and I remember that before the sermon we had to +come down from our places, which were some way from the pulpit, +and find seats in the nave. This was not always easy, but to +little Therese and her Father everyone offered a place. My uncle +was delighted when he saw us come down; he called me his +"Sunbeam," and said that to see the venerable old man leading his +little daughter by the hand was a sight which always filled him +with joy. I never troubled myself if people looked at me, I was +only occupied in listening attentively to the preacher. A sermon +on the Passion of our Blessed Lord was the first I understood, and +it touched me deeply. I was then five and a half, and after that +time I was able to understand and appreciate all instructions. If +St. Teresa was mentioned, my Father would bend down and whisper to +me: "Listen attentively, little Queen, he is speaking of your holy +patroness." I really did listen attentively, but I must own I +looked at Papa more than at the preacher, for I read many things +in his face. Sometimes his eyes were filled with tears which he +strove in vain to keep back; and as he listened to the eternal +truths he seemed no longer of this earth, his soul was absorbed in +the thought of another world. Alas! Many long and sorrowful years +had to pass before Heaven was to be opened to him, and Our Lord +with His Own Divine Hand was to wipe away the bitter tears of His +faithful servant. + +To go back to the description of our Sundays. This happy day which +passed so quickly had also its touch of melancholy; my happiness +was full till Compline, but after that a feeling of sadness took +possession of me. I thought of the morrow when one had to begin +again the daily life of work and lessons, and my heart, feeling +like an exile on this earth, longed for the repose of Heaven--the +never ending Sabbath of our true Home. Every Sunday my aunt +invited us in turns to spend the evening with her. I was always +glad when mine came, and it was a pleasure to listen to my uncle's +conversation. His talk was serious, but it interested me, and he +little knew that I paid such attention; but my joy was not unmixed +with fear when he took me on his knee and sang "Bluebeard" in his +deep voice. + +About eight o'clock Papa would come to fetch me. I remember that I +used to look up at the stars with inexpressible delight. Orion's +belt fascinated me especially, for I saw in it a likeness to the +letter "T." "Look, Papa," I would cry, "my name is written in +Heaven!" Then, not wishing to see this dull earth any longer, I +asked him to lead me, and with my head thrown back, I gazed +unweariedly at the starry skies. + +I could tell you much about our winter evenings at home. After a +game of draughts my sisters read aloud Dom Gueranger's _Liturgical +Year,_ and then a few pages of some other interesting and +instructive book. While this was going on I established myself on +Papa's knee, and when the reading was done he used to sing +soothing snatches of melody in his beautiful voice, as if to lull +me to sleep, and I would lay my head on his breast while he rocked +me gently to and fro. + +Later on we went upstairs for night prayers, and there again my +place was beside my beloved Father, and I had only to look at him +to know how the Saints pray. Pauline put me to bed, and I +invariably asked her: "Have I been good to-day? Is God pleased +with me? Will the Angels watch over me?" The answer was always +"Yes," otherwise I should have spent the whole night in tears. +After these questions my sisters kissed me, and little Therese was +left alone in the dark. + +I look on it as a real grace that from childhood I was taught to +overcome my fears. Sometimes in the evening Pauline would send me +to fetch something from a distant room; she would take no refusal, +and she was quite right, for otherwise I should have become very +nervous, whereas now it is difficult to frighten me. I wonder +sometimes how my little Mother was able to bring me up with so +much tenderness, and yet without spoiling me, for she did not pass +over the least fault. It is true she never scolded me without +cause, and I knew well she would never change her mind when once a +thing was decided upon. + +To this dearly loved sister I confided my most intimate thoughts; +she cleared up all my doubts. One day I expressed surprise that +God does not give an equal amount of glory to all the elect in +Heaven--I was afraid that they would not all be quite happy. She +sent me to fetch Papa's big tumbler, and put it beside my tiny +thimble, then, filling both with water, she asked me which seemed +the fuller. I replied that one was as full as the other--it was +impossible to pour more water into either of them, for they could +not hold it. In this way Pauline made it clear to me that in +Heaven the least of the Blessed does not envy the happiness of the +greatest; and so, by bringing the highest mysteries down to the +level of my understanding, she gave my soul the food it needed. + +Joyfully each year I welcomed the prize day. Though I was the only +competitor, justice was none the less strictly observed, and I +never received rewards unless they were well merited. My heart +used to beat with excitement when I heard the decisions, and in +presence of the whole family received prizes from Papa's hands. It +was to me like a picture of the Judgment Day! + +Seeing Papa so cheerful, no suspicion of the terrible trials which +awaited him crossed my mind; but one day God showed me, in an +extraordinary vision, a vivid picture of the trouble to come. My +Father was away on a journey, and could not return as early as +usual. It was about two or three o'clock in the afternoon; the sun +was shining brightly, and all the world seemed gay. I was alone at +the window, looking on to the kitchen garden, my mind full of +cheerful thoughts, when I saw before me, in front of the +wash-house, a man dressed exactly like Papa, of the same height +and appearance, but more bent and aged. I say _aged,_ to describe +his general appearance, for I did not see his face as his head was +covered with a thick veil. He advanced slowly, with measured step, +along my little garden; at that instant a feeling of supernatural +fear seized me, and I called out loudly in a trembling voice: +"Papa, Papa!" The mysterious person seemed not to hear, he +continued his walk without even turning, and went towards a clump +of firs which grew in the middle of the garden. I expected to see +him reappear at the other side of the big trees, but the prophetic +vision had vanished. + +It was all over in a moment, but it was a moment which impressed +itself so deeply on my memory that even now, after so many years, +the remembrance of it is as vivid as the vision itself. + +My sisters were all together in an adjoining room. Hearing me call +"Papa!" they were frightened themselves, but Marie, hiding her +feelings, ran to me and said: "Why are you calling Papa, when he +is at Alencon?" I told her what I had seen, and to reassure me +they said that Nurse must have covered her head with her apron on +purpose to frighten me. Victoire, however, when questioned, +declared she had not left the kitchen--besides, the truth was too +deeply impressed on my mind: I had seen a man, and that man was +exactly like my Father. We all went to look behind the clump of +trees, and, finding nothing, my sisters told me to think no more +about it. Ah, that was not in my power! Often and often my +imagination brought before me this mysterious vision, often and +often I tried to raise the veil which hid its true meaning, and +deep down in my heart I had a conviction that some day it would be +fully revealed to me. And you know all, dear Mother. You know that +it was really my Father whom God showed me, bent by age, and +bearing on his venerable face and his white head the symbol of his +terrible trial.[4] + +As the Adorable Face of Jesus was veiled during His Passion, so it +was fitting that the face of His humble servant should be veiled +during the days of his humiliation, in order that it might shine +with greater brilliancy in Heaven. How I admire God's ways! He +showed us this precious cross beforehand, as a father shows his +children the glorious future he is preparing for them--a future +which will bring them an inheritance of priceless treasures. + +But a thought comes into my mind: "Why did God give this light to +a child who, if she had understood it, would have died of grief?" +"Why?" Here is one of those incomprehensible mysteries which we +shall only understand in Heaven, where they will be the subject of +our eternal admiration. My God, how good Thou art! How well dost +Thou suit the trial to our strength! + +At that time I had not courage even to think that Papa could die, +without being terrified. One day he was standing on a high +step-ladder, and as I was close by he called out: "Move away, +little Queen; if I fall I shall crush you." Instantly I felt an +inward shock, and, going still nearer to the ladder, I thought: +"At least if Papa falls I shall not have the pain of seeing him +die, for I shall die with him." I could never say how much I loved +him. I admired everything he did. When he explained his ideas on +serious matters, as if I were a big girl, I answered him naively: +"It is quite certain, Papa, that if you spoke like that to the +great men who govern the country they would take you and make you +King. Then France would be happier than it was ever been; but you +would be unhappy, because that is the lot of kings; besides you +would no longer be my King alone, so I am glad that they do not +know you." + +When I was six or seven years old I saw the sea for the first +time. The sight made a deep impression on me, I could not take my +eyes off it. Its majesty, and the roar of the waves, all spoke to +my soul of the greatness and power of God. I remember, when we +were on the beach, a man and woman looked at me for a long time, +then, asking Papa if I was his child, they remarked that I was a +very pretty little girl. Papa at once made a sign to them not to +flatter me; I was delighted to hear what they said, for I did not +think I was pretty. My sisters were most careful never to talk +before me in such a way as to spoil my simplicity and childish +innocence; and, because I believed so implicitly in them, I +attached little importance to the admiration of these people and +thought no more about it. + +That evening at the hour when the sun seems to sink into the vast +ocean, leaving behind it a trail of glory, I sat with Pauline on a +bare rock, and gazed for long on this golden furrow which she told +me was an image of grace illumining the way of faithful souls here +below. Then I pictured my soul as a tiny barque, with a graceful +white sail, in the midst of the furrow, and I resolved never to +let it withdraw from the sight of Jesus, so that it might sail +peacefully and quickly towards the Heavenly Shore. +______________________________ + +[1] This holy nun had been professed at the Carmel of Poitiers, +and was sent from there to make the foundation at Lisieux in 1838. +Her memory is held in benediction in both these convents; in the +sight of God she constantly practised the most heroic virtue, and +on December 5, 1891, crowned a life of good works by a holy death. +She was then eighty-six years of age. + +[2] This house, an object of deep interest to the clients of Soeur +Therese, is much frequented by pilgrims to Lisieux. [Ed.] + +[3] This first confession was made in the beautiful church of St. +Pierre, formerly the cathedral of Lisieux. [Ed.] + +[4] It seems advisable, on account of the vague allusions which +occur here and elsewhere, to state what happened to M. Louis +Martin. At the age of sixty-six, having already had several +partial attacks, he was struck with general paralysis, and his +mind gave way altogether. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER III +PAULINE ENTERS THE CARMEL + +I was eight and a half when Leonie left school, and I took her +place at the Benedictine Abbey in Lisieux. The girls of my class +were all older than myself; one of them was fourteen, and, though +not clever, she knew how to impose on the little ones. Seeing me +so young, nearly always first in class, and a favourite with all +the nuns, she was jealous, and used to pay me out in a thousand +ways. Naturally timid and sensitive, I did not know how to defend +myself, and could only cry in silence. Celine and my elder sisters +did not know of my grief, and, not being advanced enough in virtue +to rise above these troubles, I suffered considerably. + +Every evening I went home, and then my spirits rose. I would climb +on to Papa's knee, telling him what marks I had, and his caresses +made me forget all my troubles. With what delight I announced the +result of my first essay, for I won the maximum number of marks. +In reward I received a silver coin which I put in my money box for +the poor, and nearly every Thursday I was able to increase the +fund. + +Indeed, to be spoilt was a real necessity for me. The Little +Flower had need to strike its tender roots deeper and deeper into +the dearly loved garden of home, for nowhere else could it find +the nourishment it required. Thursday was a holiday, but it was +not like the holidays I had under Pauline, which I generally spent +upstairs with Papa. Not knowing how to play like other children, I +felt myself a dull companion. I tried my best to do as the others +did, but without success. + +After Celine, who was, so to say, indispensable to me, I sought +the company of my little cousin Marie, because she left me free to +choose the games I liked best. We were already closely united in +heart and will, as if God were showing us in advance how one day +in the Carmel we should embrace the same religious life.[1] + +Very often, at my uncle's house, we used to play at being two +austere hermits, with only a poor hut, a little patch of corn, and +a garden in which to grow a few vegetables. Our life was to be +spent in continual contemplation, one praying while the other +engaged in active duties. All was done with religious gravity and +decorum. If we went out, the make-believe continued even in the +street; the two hermits would say the Rosary, using their fingers +to count on, so as not to display their devotion before those who +might scoff. One day, however, the hermit Therese forgot +herself--before eating a cake, given her for lunch, she made a +large Sign of the Cross, and some worldly folk did not repress a +smile. + +We were so bent on always doing the same thing that sometimes we +carried it too far. Endeavouring one evening, on our way home from +school, to imitate the modest demeanour of the hermits, I said to +Marie: "Lead me, I am going to shut my eyes." "So am I," she +answered. Being on the pavement we were in no fear of vehicles, +and for a short while all went well, and we enjoyed walking with +our eyes shut; but presently we both fell over some boxes standing +at a shop door and knocked them down. The shopkeeper came out in a +rage to replace them, but the would-be blind pair picked +themselves up and ran off as fast as they could, with eyes wide +open. Then the hermits had to listen to a well-deserved scolding +from Jeanne, the maid, who seemed as vexed as the shopkeeper. + +I have not yet told you how Celine and I altered when we came to +Lisieux. She had now become the little romp, full of mischief, +while Therese had turned into a very quiet little girl, far too +much inclined to tears. I needed a champion, and who can say how +courageously my dear little sister played that part. We used to +enjoy making each other little presents, for, at that age, the +simplicity of our hearts was unspoiled. Like the spring flowers +they unfolded, glad to receive the morning dew, while the same +soft breezes swayed their petals. Yes, our joys were mutual. I +felt this especially on the happy day of Celine's First Communion; +I was only seven years old, and had not yet begun school at the +Abbey. How sweet is the remembrance of her preparation! Every +evening during its last weeks my sisters talked to her of the +great event. I listened, eager to prepare myself too, and my heart +swelled with grief when I was told to go away because I was still +too young. I thought that four years was not too long to spend in +making ready to receive Our dear Lord. One evening I heard someone +say to my happy little sister: "From the time of your First +Communion you must begin an entirely new life." At once I made a +resolution not to wait till the time of my First Communion, but to +begin with Celine. During her retreat she remained as a boarder at +the Abbey, and it seemed to me she was away a long time; but at +last the happy day came. What a delightful impression it has left +on my mind--it was like a foretaste of my own First Communion! How +many graces I received that day! I look on it as one of the most +beautiful of my life. + +I have gone back a little in order to recall these happy memories; +but now I must tell you of the mournful parting which crushed my +heart when Our Lord took from me my little Mother whom I loved so +dearly. I told her once that I would like to go away with her to a +far-off desert; she replied that it was her wish too, but that she +was waiting till I was big enough to set out. This impossible +promise I took in earnest, and what was my grief when I heard +Pauline talking to Marie about soon entering the Carmel! I did not +know the Carmel; but I knew that she was leaving me to enter a +convent, and that she would not wait for me. + +How can I describe the anguish I suffered! In a flash I saw life +spread out before me as it really is, full of sufferings and +frequent partings, and I shed bitter tears. At that time I did not +know the joy of sacrifice; I was weak--so weak that I look on it +as a great grace that I was able to bear such a trial, one +seemingly so much beyond my strength--and yet live. I shall never +forget how tenderly my little Mother consoled me, while explaining +the religious life. Then one evening, when I was thinking over the +picture she had drawn, I felt that the Carmel was the desert where +God wished me also to hide. I felt this so strongly that I had not +the least doubt about it; nor was it a childish dream, but the +certainty of a Divine Call. This impression, which I cannot +properly describe, left me with a feeling of great inward peace. + +Next day I confided my desires to Pauline. They seemed to her as a +proof of God's Will, and she promised to take me soon to the +Carmel, to see the Mother Prioress and to tell her my secret. This +solemn visit was fixed for a certain Sunday, and great was my +embarrassment on hearing that my cousin Marie--who was still young +enough to be allowed to see the Carmelites--was to come with us.[2] + +I had to contrive a means of being alone with the Reverend Mother, +and this is what I planned. I told Marie, that, as we were to have +the great privilege of seeing her, we must be very good and +polite, and tell her our little secrets, and in order to do that, +we must go out of the room in turns. Though she did not quite like +it, because she had no secrets to confide, Marie took me at my +word, and so I was able to be alone with you, dear Mother. You +listened to my great disclosure, and believed in my vocation, but +you told me that postulants were not received at the age of nine, +and that I must wait till I was sixteen. In spite of my ardent +desire to enter with Pauline and make my First Communion on her +clothing day, I had to be resigned. + +At last the 2nd of October came--a day of tears, but also of +blessings, when Our Lord gathered the first of His flowers, the +chosen flower who, later on, was to become the Mother of her +sisters.[3] Whilst Papa, with my uncle and Marie, climbed the +mountain of Carmel to offer his first sacrifice, my aunt took me +to Mass, with my sisters and cousins. We were bathed in tears, and +people gazed at us in astonishment when we entered the church, but +that did not stop our crying. I even wondered how the sun could go +on shining. Perhaps, dear Mother, you think I exaggerate my grief +a little. I confess that this parting ought not to have upset me +so much, but my soul was yet far from mature, and I had to pass +through many trials before reaching the haven of peace, before +tasting the delicious fruits of perfect love and of complete +abandonment to God's Will. + +In the afternoon of that October day, 1882, behind the grating of +the Carmel, I saw my beloved Pauline, now become Sister Agnes of +Jesus. Oh, how much I suffered in that parlour! As I am writing +the story of my soul, it seems to me that I ought to tell you +everything. Well, I acknowledge that I hardly counted the first +pains of this parting, in comparison with those which followed. I, +who had been accustomed to talk with my little Mother of all that +was in my heart, could now scarcely snatch two or three minutes +with her at the end of the family visits; even these short minutes +were passed in tears, and I went away with my heart torn with +grief. + +I did not realise that it was impossible to give us each half an +hour, and that of course Papa and Marie must have the largest +share. I could not understand all this, and I said from the depths +of my heart: "Pauline is lost to me." + +This suffering so affected me that I soon became seriously ill. +The illness was undoubtedly the work of the devil, who, in his +fury at this first entry into the Carmel, tried to avenge himself +on me for the great harm my family was to do him in the future. +However, he little knew that the Queen of Heaven was watching +faithfully over her Little Flower, that she was smiling upon it +from on high, ready to still the tempest just when the delicate +and fragile stalk was in danger of being broken once and for all. +At the close of the year 1882 I began to suffer from constant +headaches; they were bearable, however, and did not prevent me +from continuing my studies. This lasted till the Easter of 1883. +Just then Papa went to Paris with my elder sisters, and confided +Celine and me to the care of our uncle and aunt. One evening I was +alone with my uncle, and he talked so tenderly of my Mother and of +bygone days that I was deeply moved and began to cry. My +sensitiveness touched him too; he was surprised that one of my age +should feel as I did. So he determined to do all he could to +divert my mind during the holidays. + +But God had decided otherwise. That very evening my headache +became acute, and I was seized with a strange shivering which +lasted all night. My aunt, like a real mother, never left me for a +moment; all through my illness she lavished on me the most tender +and devoted care. You may imagine my poor Father's grief when he +returned from Paris to find me in this hopeless state; he thought +I was going to die, but Our Lord might have said to him: "This +sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God."[4] + +Yes, God was glorified by means of this trial, by the wonderful +resignation of my Father and sisters. And to Marie especially what +suffering it brought, and how grateful I am to this dear sister! +She seemed to divine my wants by instinct, for a mother's heart is +more knowing than the science of the most skilful doctors. + +And now Pauline's clothing day was drawing near; but, fearing to +distress me, no one dared mention it in my presence, since it was +taken for granted that I should not be well enough to be there. +Deep down in my heart, however, I firmly believed that God would +give me the consolation of seeing dear Pauline on that day. I was +quite sure that this feast would be unclouded; I knew that Our +Lord would not try His Spouse by depriving her of my presence, she +had already suffered so much on account of my illness. And so it +turned out. I was there, able to embrace my dear little Mother, to +sit on her knee, and, hiding myself under her veil, to receive her +loving caresses. I was able to feast my eyes upon her--she looked +so lovely in her veil and mantle of white. Truly it was a day of +happiness in the midst of heavy trials; but this day, or rather +this hour, passed only too quickly, and soon we were in the +carriage which was to take us away from the Carmel. On reaching +home I was made to lie down, though I did not feel at all tired; +but next day I had a serious relapse, and became so ill that, +humanly speaking, there was no hope of any recovery. + +I do not know how to describe this extraordinary illness. I said +things which I had never thought of; I acted as though I were +forced to act in spite of myself; I seemed nearly always to be +delirious; and yet I feel certain that I was never, for a minute, +deprived of my reason. Sometimes I remained in a state of extreme +exhaustion for hours together, unable to make the least movement, +and yet, in spite of this extraordinary torpor, hearing the least +whisper. I remember it still. And what fears the devil inspired! I +was afraid of everything; my bed seemed to be surrounded by +frightful precipices; nails in the wall took the terrifying +appearance of long fingers, shrivelled and blackened with fire, +making me cry out in terror. One day, while Papa stood looking at +me in silence, the hat in his hand was suddenly transformed into +some horrible shape, and I was so frightened that he went away +sobbing. + +But if God allowed the devil to approach me in this open way, +Angels too were sent to console and strengthen me. Marie never +left me, and never showed the least trace of weariness in spite of +all the trouble I gave her--for I could not rest when she was +away. During meals, when Victoire took care of me, I never ceased +calling tearfully "Marie! Marie!" When she wanted to go out, it +was only if she were going to Mass or to see Pauline that I kept +quiet. As for Leonie and my little Celine, they could not do +enough for me. On Sundays they shut themselves up for hours with a +poor child who seemed almost to have lost her reason. My own dear +sisters, how much I made you suffer! My uncle and aunt were also +devoted to me. My aunt came to see me every day, and brought me +many little gifts. I could never tell you how my love for these +dear ones increased during this illness. I understood better than +ever what Papa had so often told us: "Always remember, children, +that your uncle and aunt have devoted themselves to you in a way +that is quite exceptional." In his old age he experienced this +himself, and now he must bless and protect those who lavished upon +him such affectionate care.[5] + +When my sufferings grew less, my great delight was to weave +garlands of daisies and forget-me-nots for Our Lady's statue. We +were in the beautiful month of May, when all nature is clothed +with the flowers of spring; the Little Flower alone drooped, and +seemed as though it had withered for ever. Yet she too had a +shining sun, the miraculous statue of the Queen of Heaven. How +often did not the Little Flower turn towards this glorious Sun! + +One day Papa came into my room in the deepest distress, and I +watched him go up to Marie and give her some money, bidding her +write to Paris, and have a novena of Masses said at the shrine of +Our Lady of Victories,[6] to obtain the cure of his poor little +Queen. How touching were his faith and love! How much I longed to +get up and tell him I was cured! Alas! my wishes could not work a +miracle, and it needed one to restore me to health. Yes, it needed +a great miracle, and this was wrought by Our Lady of Victories +herself. + +One Sunday, during the novena, Marie went into the garden, leaving +me with Leonie, who was reading by the window. After a short time +I began to call: "Marie! Marie!" very softly. Leonie, accustomed +to hear me fret like this, took no notice, so I called louder, +until Marie came back to me. I saw her come into the room quite +well, but, for the first time, I failed to recognise her. I looked +all round and glanced anxiously into the garden, still calling: +"Marie! Marie!" Her anguish was perhaps greater than mine, and +that was unutterable. At last, after many fruitless efforts to +make me recognise her, she whispered a few words to Leonie, and +went away pale and trembling. Leonie presently carried me to the +window. There I saw the garden, and Marie walking up and down, but +still I did not recognise her; she came forward, smiling, and held +out her arms to me calling tenderly: "Therese, dear little +Therese!" This last effort failing, she came in again and knelt in +tears at the foot of my bed; turning towards the statue of Our +Lady, she entreated her with the fervour of a mother who begs the +life of her child and will not be refused. Leonie and Celine +joined her, and that cry of faith forced the gates of Heaven. I +too, finding no help on earth and nearly dead with pain, turned to +my Heavenly Mother, begging her from the bottom of my heart to +have pity on me. Suddenly the statue seemed to come to life and +grow beautiful, with a divine beauty that I shall never find words +to describe. The expression of Our Lady's face was ineffably +sweet, tender, and compassionate; but what touched me to the very +depths of my soul was her gracious smile. Then, all my pain +vanished, two big tears started to my eyes and fell silently. . . . + +They were indeed tears of unmixed heavenly joy. "Our Blessed Lady +has come to me, she has smiled at me. How happy I am, but I shall +tell no one, or my happiness will leave me!" Such were my +thoughts. Looking around, I recognised Marie; she seemed very much +overcome, and looked lovingly at me, as though she guessed that I +had just received a great grace. + +Indeed her prayers had gained me this unspeakable favour--a smile +from the Blessed Virgin! When she saw me with my eyes fixed on the +statue, she said to herself: "Therese is cured!" And it was true. +The Little Flower had come to life again--a bright ray from its +glorious Sun had warmed and set it free for ever from its cruel +enemy. "The dark winter is past, the rain is over and gone,"[7] +and Our Lady's Little Flower gathered such strength that five +years later it opened wide its petals on the fertile mountain of +Carmel. + +As I said before, Marie was convinced that Our Blessed Lady, while +restoring my bodily health, had granted me some hidden grace. So, +when I was alone with her, I could not resist her tender and +pressing inquiries. I was so astonished to find my secret already +known, without my having said a word, that I told her everything. +Alas! as I had foreseen, my joy was turned into bitterness. For +four years the remembrance of this grace was a cause of real pain +to me, and it was only in the blessed sanctuary of Our Lady of +Victories, at my Mother's feet, that I once again found peace. +There it was restored to me in all its fulness, as I will tell you +later. + +This is how my joy was changed into sadness. When Marie had heard +the childish, but perfectly sincere, account of the grace I had +received, she begged my leave to tell them at the Carmel, and I +did not like to refuse her. My first visit there after my illness +was full of joy at seeing Pauline clothed in the habit of Our Lady +of Carmel. It was a happy time for us both, we had so much to say, +we had both suffered so much. My heart was so full that I could +hardly speak. + +You were there, dear Mother, and plainly showed your affection for +me; I saw several other Sisters too, and you must remember how +they questioned me about my cure. Some asked if Our Lady was +holding the Infant Jesus in her arms, others if the Angels were +with her, and so on. All these questions distressed and grieved +me, and I could only make one answer: "Our Lady looked very +beautiful; I saw her come towards me and smile." But noticing that +the nuns thought something quite different had happened from what +I had told them, I began to persuade myself that I had been guilty +of an untruth. + +If only I had kept my secret I should have kept my happiness also. +But Our Lady allowed this trouble to befall me for the good of my +soul; perhaps without it vanity would have crept into my heart, +whereas now I was humbled, and I looked on myself with feelings of +contempt. My God, Thou alone knowest all that I suffered! +______________________________ + +[1] Marie Guerin entered the Carmel at Lisieux on August 15, 1895, +and took the name of Sister Mary of the Eucharist. She died on +April 14, 1905, aged thirty-four. + +[2] With the Carmelites the grating is only opened for near +relatives and very young children. [Ed.] + +[3] "Pauline" has several times been Prioress of the Carmel of +Lisieux, and in 1909 again succeeded to that office on the death +of the young and saintly Mother Mary of St. Angelus of the Child +Jesus. [Ed.] + +[4] John 11:4. + +[5] Mme. Guerin died holily on February 13, 1900, aged fifty-two. +During her illness Therese assisted her in an extraordinary way, +several times making her presence felt. Monsieur Guerin, having +for many years used his pen in defence of the Church, and his +fortune in the support of good works, died a beautiful death on +September 28, 1909, in his sixty-ninth year. [Ed.] + +[6] It was in this small church--once deserted and to-day perhaps +the most frequented in Paris--that the saintly Abbe Desgenettes +was inspired by Our Lady, in 1836, to establish the Confraternity +of the Immaculate Heart of Mary for the conversion of sinners. +[Ed.] + +[7] Cant. 2:11. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER IV +FIRST COMMUNION AND CONFIRMATION + +While describing this visit to the Carmel, my thoughts are carried +back to the first one which I paid after Pauline entered. On the +morning of that happy day, I wondered what name would be given to +me later on. I knew that there was already a Sister Teresa of +Jesus; nevertheless, my beautiful name of Therese could not be +taken from me. Suddenly I thought of the Child Jesus whom I loved +so dearly, and I felt how much I should like to be called Teresa +of the Child Jesus. I was careful not to tell you of my wish, dear +Mother, yet you said to me, in the middle of our conversation: +"When you come to us, little one, you will be called 'Teresa of +the Child Jesus.'" My joy was great indeed. This happy coincidence +of thought seemed a special favour from the Holy Child. + +So far I have not said anything about my love for pictures and +books, and yet I owe some of the happiest and strongest +impressions which have encouraged me in the practice of virtue to +the beautiful pictures Pauline used to show me. Everything was +forgotten while looking at them. For instance, "The Little Flower +of the Divine Prisoner" suggested so many thoughts that I would +remain gazing at it in a kind of ecstasy. I offered myself to Our +Lord to be His Little Flower; I longed to console Him, to draw as +near as possible to the Tabernacle, to be looked on, cared for, +and gathered by Him. + +As I was of no use at games, I should have preferred to spend all +my time in reading. Happily for me, I had visible guardian angels +to guide me in this matter; they chose books suitable to my age, +which interested me and at the same time provided food for my +thoughts and affections. I was only allowed a limited time for +this favourite recreation, and it became an occasion of much +self-sacrifice, for as soon as the time had elapsed I made it my +duty to stop instantly, even in the middle of a most interesting +passage. + +As to the impressions produced on me by these books, I must +frankly own that, in reading certain tales of chivalry, I did not +always understand the realities of life. And so, in my admiration +of the patriotic deeds of the heroines of France, especially of +the Venerable Joan of Arc, I longed to do what they had done. +About this time I received what I have looked on as one of the +greatest graces of my life, for, at that age, I was not favoured +with lights from Heaven, as I am now. + +Our Lord made me understand that the only true glory is that which +lasts for ever; and that to attain it there is no necessity to do +brilliant deeds, but rather to hide from the eyes of others, and +even from oneself, so that "the left hand knows not what the right +hand does."[1] Then, as I reflected that I was born for great +things, and sought the means to attain them, it was made known to +me interiorly that my personal glory would never reveal itself +before the eyes of men, but that it would consist in becoming a +Saint. + +This aspiration may very well appear rash, seeing how imperfect I +was, and am, even now, after so many years of religious life; yet +I still feel the same daring confidence that one day I shall +become a great Saint. I am not trusting in my own merits, for I +have none; but I trust in Him Who is Virtue and Holiness itself. +It is He alone Who, pleased with my feeble efforts, will raise me +to Himself, and, by clothing me with His merits, make me a Saint. +At that time I did not realise that to become one it is necessary +to suffer a great deal; but God soon disclosed this secret to me +by means of the trials I have related. + +I must now continue my story where I left off. Three months after +my cure Papa took me away for a change. It was a very pleasant +time, and I began to see something of the world. All around me was +joy and gladness; I was petted, made much of, admired--in fact, +for a whole fortnight my path was strewn with flowers. The Wise +Man is right when he says: "The bewitching of vanity overturneth +the innocent mind."[2] At ten years of age the heart is easily +fascinated, and I confess that in my case this kind of life had +its charms. Alas! the world knows well how to combine its +pleasures with the service of God. How little it thinks of death! +And yet death has come to many people I knew then, young, rich, +and happy. I recall to mind the delightful places where they +lived, and ask myself where they are now, and what profit they +derive to-day from the beautiful houses and grounds where I saw +them enjoying all the good things of this life, and I reflect that +"All is vanity besides loving God and serving Him alone."[3] + +Perhaps Our Lord wished me to know something of the world before +He paid His first visit to my soul, so that I might choose more +deliberately the way in which I was to follow Him. + +I shall always remember my First Communion Day as one of unclouded +happiness. It seems to me that I could not have been better +prepared. Do you remember, dear Mother, the charming little book +you gave me three months before the great day? I found in it a +helpful method which prepared me gradually and thoroughly. It is +true I had been thinking about my First Communion for a long time, +but, as your precious manuscript told me, I must stir up in my +heart fresh transports of love and fill it anew with flowers. So, +each day I made a number of little sacrifices and acts of love, +which were to be changed into so many flowers: now violets, +another time roses, then cornflowers, daisies, or +forget-me-nots--in a word, all nature's blossoms were to form in +me a cradle for the Holy Child. + +I had Marie, too, who took Pauline's place. Every evening I spent +a long time with her, listening eagerly to all she said. How +delightfully she talked to me! I felt myself set on fire by her +noble, generous spirit. As the warriors of old trained their +children in the profession of arms, so she trained me for the +battle of life, and roused my ardour by pointing to the victor's +glorious palm. She spoke, too, of the imperishable riches which +are so easy to amass each day, and of the folly of trampling them +under foot when one has but to stoop and gather them. When she +talked so eloquently, I was sorry that I was the only one to +listen to her teaching, for, in my simplicity, it seemed to me +that the greatest sinners would be converted if they but heard +her, and that, forsaking the perishable riches of this world, they +would seek none but the riches of Heaven. + +I should have liked at this time to practise mental prayer, but +Marie, finding me sufficiently devout, only let me say my vocal +prayers. A mistress at the Abbey asked me once what I did on +holidays, when I stayed at home. I answered timidly: "I often hide +myself in a corner of my room where I can shut myself in with the +bed curtains, and then I think." "But what do you think about?" +said the good nun, laughing. "I think about the Good God, about +the shortness of life, and about eternity: in a word, I _think."_ +My mistress did not forget this, and later on she used to remind +me of the time when I thought, asking me if I still _thought._ +. . . Now, I know that I was really praying, while my Divine +Master +gently instructed me. + +The three months' preparation for First Communion passed quickly +by; it was soon time for me to begin my retreat, and, during it, I +stayed at the Abbey. Oh, what a blessed retreat it was! I do not +think that one can experience such joy except in a religious +house; there, with only a few children, it is easy for each one to +receive special attention. I write this in a spirit of filial +gratitude; our mistresses at the Abbey showed us a true motherly +affection. I do not know why, but I saw plainly that they watched +over me more carefully than they did over the others. + +Every night the first mistress, carrying her little lamp, opened +my bed curtains softly, and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. +She showed me such affection that, touched by her kindness, I said +one night: "Mother, I love you so much that I am going to tell you +a great secret." Then I took from under my pillow the precious +little book you had given me, and showed it to her, my eyes +sparkling with pleasure. She opened it with care, and, looking +through it attentively, told me how privileged I was. In fact, +several times during the retreat, the truth came home to me that +very few motherless children of my age are as lovingly cared for as I +was then. I listened most attentively to the instructions given us by +Father Domin, and wrote careful notes on them, but I did not put down +any of my own thoughts, as I knew I should remember them quite well. And +so it proved. + +How happy I was to attend Divine Office as the nuns did! I was +easily distinguished from my companions by a large crucifix, which +Leonie had given me, and which, like the missionaries, I carried +in my belt. They thought I was trying to imitate my Carmelite +sister, and indeed my thoughts did often turn lovingly to her. I +knew she was in retreat too, not that Jesus might give Himself to +her, but that she might give herself entirely to Jesus, and this +on the same day as I made my First Communion. The time of quiet +waiting was therefore doubly dear to me. + +At last there dawned the most beautiful day of all the days of my +life. How perfectly I remember even the smallest details of those +sacred hours! the joyful awakening, the reverent and tender +embraces of my mistresses and older companions, the room filled +with snow-white frocks, where each child was dressed in turn, and, +above all, our entrance into the chapel and the melody of the +morning hymn: "O Altar of God, where the Angels are hovering." + +But I would not and I could not tell you all. Some things lose +their fragrance when exposed to the air, and so, too, one's inmost +thoughts cannot be translated into earthly words without instantly +losing their deep and heavenly meaning. How sweet was the first +embrace of Jesus! It was indeed an embrace of love. I felt that I +was loved, and I said: "I love Thee, and I give myself to Thee for +ever." Jesus asked nothing of me, and claimed no sacrifice; for a +long time He and little Therese had known and understood one +another. That day our meeting was more than simple recognition, it +was perfect union. We were no longer two. Therese had disappeared +like a drop of water lost in the immensity of the ocean; Jesus +alone remained--He was the Master, the King! Had not Therese asked +Him to take away her liberty which frightened her? She felt +herself so weak and frail, that she wished to be for ever united +to the Divine Strength. + +And then my joy became so intense, so deep, that it could not be +restrained; tears of happiness welled up and overflowed. My +companions were astonished, and asked each other afterwards: "Why +did she cry? Had she anything on her conscience? No, it is because +neither her Mother nor her dearly loved Carmelite sister is here." +And no one understood that all the joy of Heaven had come down +into one heart, and that this heart, exiled, weak, and mortal as +it was, could not contain it without tears. + +How could my Mother's absence grieve me on my First Communion Day? +As Heaven itself dwelt in my soul, in receiving a visit from Our +Divine Lord I received one from my dear Mother too. Nor was I +crying on account of Pauline's absence, for we were even more +closely united than before. No, I repeat it--joy alone, a joy too +deep for words, overflowed within me. + +During the afternoon I read the act of consecration to Our Lady, +for myself and my companions. I was chosen probably because I had +been deprived of my earthly Mother while still so young. With all +my heart I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary, and +asked her to watch over me. She seemed to look lovingly on her +Little Flower and to smile at her again, and I thought of the +visible smile which had once cured me, and of all I owed her. Had +she not herself, on the morning of that 8th of May, placed in the +garden of my soul her Son Jesus--"the Flower of the field and the +Lily of the valleys"?[4] + +On the evening of this happy day Papa and I went to the Carmel, +and I saw Pauline, now become the Spouse of Christ. She wore a +white veil like mine and a crown of roses. My joy was unclouded, +for I hoped soon to join her, and at her side to wait for Heaven. + +I was pleased with the feast prepared for me at home, and was +delighted with the beautiful watch given to me by Papa. My +happiness was perfect, and nothing troubled the inward peace of my +soul. Night came, and so ended that beautiful day. Even the +brightest days are followed by darkness; one alone will know no +setting, the day of the First and Eternal Communion in our true +Home. Somehow the next day seemed sorrowful. The pretty clothes +and the presents I had received could not satisfy me. Henceforth +Our Lord alone could fill my heart, and all I longed for was the +blissful moment when I should receive Him again. + +I made my second Communion on Ascension Day, and had the happiness +of kneeling at the rails between Papa and Marie. My tears flowed +with inexpressible sweetness; I kept repeating those words of St. +Paul: "I live now, not I; but Christ liveth in me."[5] After this +second visit of Our Lord I longed for nothing else but to receive +Him. Alas! the feasts seemed so far apart. . . . + +On the eve of these happy days Marie helped me to prepare, as she +had done for my First Communion. I remember once she spoke of +suffering, and said that in all probability, instead of making me +walk by this road, God, in His goodness, would carry me always +like a little child. Her words came into my mind next day after my +Communion; my heart became inflamed with an ardent desire for +suffering, and I felt convinced that many crosses were in store +for me. Then my soul was flooded with such consolation as I have +never since experienced. Suffering became attractive, and I found +in it charms which held me spellbound, though as yet I did not +appreciate them to the full. + +I had one other great wish; it was to love God only, and to find +my joy in Him alone. During my thanksgiving after Holy Communion I +often repeated this passage from the _Imitation of Christ:_ "O my +God, who art unspeakable sweetness, turn for me into bitterness +all the consolations of earth."[6] These words rose to my lips +quite naturally; I said them like a child, who, without well +understanding, repeats what a friend may suggest. Later on I will +tell you, dear Mother, how Our Lord has been pleased to fulfill my +desire, how He, and He alone, has always been my joy; but if I +were to speak of it now I should have to pass on to my girlhood, +and there is still much to tell you of my early days. + +Soon after my First Communion I went into retreat again, before +being confirmed. I prepared myself with the greatest care for the +coming of the Holy Ghost; I could not understand anyone not doing +so before receiving this Sacrament of Love. As the ceremony could +not take place on the day fixed, I had the consolation of +remaining somewhat longer in retreat. How happy I felt! Like the +Apostles, I looked with joy for the promised Comforter, gladdened +by the thought that I should soon be a perfect Christan, and have +the holy Cross, the symbol of this wondrous Sacrament, traced upon +my forehead for eternity. I did not feel the mighty wind of the +first Pentecost, but rather the gentle breeze which the prophet +Elias heard on Mount Horeb. On that day I received the gift of +fortitude in suffering--a gift I needed sorely, for the martyrdom +of my soul was soon to begin. + +When these delightful feasts, which can never be forgotten, were +over, I had to resume my life as a day scholar, at the Abbey. I +made good progress with my lessons, and remembered easily the +sense of what I read, but I had the greatest difficulty in +learning by heart; only at catechism were my efforts crowned with +success. The Chaplain called me his little "Doctor of +Theology,"[7] no doubt because of my name, Therese. + +During recreation I often gave myself up to serious thoughts, +while from a distance I watched my companions at play. This was my +favourite occupation, but I had another which gave me real +pleasure. I would search carefully for any poor little birds that +had fallen dead under the big trees, and I then buried them with +great ceremony, all in the same cemetery, in a special grass plot. +Sometimes I told stories to my companions, and often even the big +girls came to listen; but soon our mistress, very rightly, brought +my career as an orator to an end, saying she wanted us to exercise +our bodies and not our brains. At this time I chose as friends two +little girls of my own age; but how shallow are the hearts of +creatures! One of them had to stay at home for some months; while +she was away I thought about her very often, and on her return I +showed how pleased I was. However, all I got was a glance of +indifference--my friendship was not appreciated. I felt this very +keenly, and I no longer sought an affection which had proved so +inconstant. Nevertheless I still love my little school friend, and +continue to pray for her, for God has given me a faithful heart, +and when once I love, I love for ever. + +Observing that some of the girls were very devoted to one or other +of the mistresses, I tried to imitate them, but I never succeeded +in winning special favour. O happy failure, from how many evils +have you saved me! I am most thankful to Our Lord that He let me +find only bitterness in earthly friendships. With a heart like +mine, I should have been taken captive and had my wings clipped, +and how then should I have been able to "fly away and be at +rest"?[8] + +How can a heart given up to human affections be closely united to +God? It seems to me that it is impossible. I have seen so many +souls, allured by this false light, fly right into it like poor +moths, and burn their wings, and then return, wounded, to Our +Lord, the Divine fire which burns and does not consume. I know +well Our Lord saw that I was too weak to be exposed to temptation, +for, without doubt, had the deceitful light of created love +dazzled my eyes, I should have been entirely consumed. Where +strong souls find joy and practise detachment faithfully, I only +found bitterness. No merit, then, is due to me for not having +given up to these frail ties, since I was only preserved from them +by the Mercy of God. I fully realised that without Him I should +have fallen as low as St. Mary Magdalen, and the Divine Master's +words re-echoed sweetly in my soul. Yes, I know that "To whom less +is forgiven he loveth less,"[9] but I know too that Our Lord has +forgiven me more than St. Mary Magdalen. Here is an example which +will, at any rate, show you some of my thoughts. + +Let us suppose that the son of a very clever doctor, stumbling +over a stone on the road, falls and breaks his leg. His father +hastens to him, lifts him lovingly, and binds up the fractured +limb, putting forth all his skill. The son, when cured, displays +the utmost gratitude, and he has excellent reason for doing so. +But let us take another supposition. + +The father, aware that a dangerous stone lies in his son's path, +is beforehand with the danger and removes it, unseen by anyone. +The son, thus tenderly cared for, not knowing of the mishap from +which his father's hand has saved him, naturally will not show him +any gratitude, and will love him less than if he had cured him of +a grievous wound. But suppose he heard the whole truth, would he +not in that case love him still more? Well now, I am this child, +the object of the foreseeing love of a Father "Who did not send +His son to call the just, but sinners."[10] He wishes me to love +Him, because He has forgiven me, not much, but everything. Without +waiting for me to love Him much, as St. Mary Magdalen did, He has +made me understand how He has loved me with an ineffable love and +forethought, so that now my love may know no bounds. + +I had often heard it said, both in retreats and elsewhere, that He +is more deeply loved by repentant souls than by those who have not +lost their baptismal innocence. Ah! If I could but give the lie to +those words. . . . + +But I have wandered so far from my subject that I hardly know +where to begin again. It was during the retreat before my second +Communion that I was attacked by the terrible disease of scruples. +One must have passed through this martyrdom to understand it. It +would be quite impossible for me to tell you what I suffered for +nearly two years. All my thoughts and actions, even the simplest, +were a source of trouble and anguish to me; I had no peace till I +had told Marie everything, and this was most painful, since I +imagined I was obliged to tell absolutely all my thoughts, even +the most extravagant. As soon as I had unburdened myself I felt a +momentary peace, but it passed like a flash, and my martyrdom +began again. Many an occasion for patience did I provide for my +dear sister. + +That year we spent a fortnight of our holidays at the sea-side. My +aunt, who always showed us such motherly care, treated us to all +possible pleasures--donkey rides, shrimping, and the rest. She +even spoiled us in the matter of clothes. I remember one day she +gave me some pale blue ribbon; although I was twelve and a half, I +was still such a child that I quite enjoyed tying it in my hair. +But this childish pleasure seemed sinful to me, and I had so many +scruples that I had to go to Confession, even at Trouville. + +While I was there I had an experience which did me good. My cousin +Marie often suffered from sick headaches. On these occasions my +aunt used to fondle her and coax her with the most endearing +names, but the only response was continual tears and the unceasing +cry: "My head aches!" I had a headache nearly every day, though I +did not say so; but one evening I thought I would imitate Marie. +So I sat down in an armchair in a corner of the room, and set to +work to cry. My aunt, as well as my cousin Jeanne, to whom I was +very devoted, hastened to me to know what was the matter. I +answered like Marie: "My head aches." It would seem that +complaining was not in my line; no one would believe that a +headache was the reason of my tears. Instead of petting me as +usual, my aunt spoke to me seriously. Even Jeanne reproached me, +very kindly it is true, and was grieved at my want of simplicity +and trust in my aunt. She thought I had a big scruple, and was not +giving the real reason of my tears. At last, getting nothing for +my pains, I made up my mind not to imitate other people any more. +I thought of the fable of the ass and the little dog; I was the +ass, who, seeing that the little dog got all the petting, put his +clumsy hoof on the table to try and secure his share. If I did not +have a beating like the poor beast, at any rate I got what I +deserved--a severe lesson, which cured me once for all of the +desire to attract attention. + +I must go back now to the subject of my scruples. They made me so +ill that I was obliged to leave school when I was thirteen. In +order to continue my education, Papa took me several times a week +to a lady who was an excellent teacher. Her lessons served the +double purpose of instructing me and making me associate with +other people. + +Visitors were often shown into the old-fashioned room where I sat +with my books and exercises. As far as possible my teacher's +mother carried on the conversation, but still I did not learn much +while it lasted. Seemingly absorbed in my book, I could hear many +things it would have been better for me not to hear. One lady said +I had beautiful hair; another asked, as she left, who was that +pretty little girl. Such remarks, the more flattering because I +was not meant to hear them, gave me a feeling of pleasure which +showed plainly that I was full of self-love. + +I am very sorry for souls who lose themselves in this way. It is +so easy to go astray in the seductive paths of the world. Without +doubt, for a soul somewhat advanced in virtue, the sweetness +offered by the world is mingled with bitterness, and the immense +void of its desires cannot be filled by the flattery of a moment; +but I repeat, if my heart had not been lifted up towards God from +the first moment of consciousness, if the world had smiled on me +from the beginning of my life, what should I have become? Dearest +Mother, with what a grateful heart do I sing "the Mercies of the +Lord!" Has He not, according to the words of Holy Wisdom, "taken +me away from the world lest wickedness should alter my +understanding, or deceit beguile my soul?"[11] + +Meanwhile I resolved to consecrate myself in a special way to Our +Blessed Lady, and I begged to be enrolled among the Children of +Mary.[12] To gain this favour I had to go twice a week to the +Convent, and I must confess this cost me something, I was so shy. +There was no question of the affection I felt towards my +mistresses, but, as I said before, I had no special friend among +them, with whom I could have spent many hours like other old +pupils. So I worked in silence till the end of the lesson, and +then, as no one took any notice of me, I went to the tribune in +the Chapel till Papa came to fetch me home. Here, during this +silent visit, I found my one consolation--for was not Jesus my +only Friend? To Him alone could I open my heart; all conversation +with creatures, even on holy subjects, wearied me. It is true that +in these periods of loneliness I sometimes felt sad, and I used +often to console myself by repeating this line of a beautiful poem +Papa had taught me: "Time is thy barque, and not thy +dwelling-place." + +Young as I was, these words restored my courage, and even now, in +spite of having outgrown many pious impressions of childhood, the +symbol of a ship always delights me and helps me to bear the exile +of this life. Does not the Wise Man tell us--"Life is like a ship +that passeth through the waves: when it is gone by, the trace +thereof cannot be found"?[13] + +When my thoughts run on in this way, my soul loses itself as it +were in the infinite; I seem already to touch the Heavenly Shore +and to receive Our Lord's embrace. I fancy I can see Our Blessed +Lady coming to meet me, with my Father and Mother, my little +brothers and sisters; and I picture myself enjoying true family +joys for all eternity. + +But before reaching Our Father's Home in Heaven, I had to go +through many partings on this earth. The year in which I was made +a Child of Mary, Our Lady took from me my sister Marie, the only +support of my soul,[14] my oracle and inseparable companion since +the departure of Pauline. As soon as I knew of her decision, I +made up my mind to take no further pleasure in anything here +below. I could not tell you how many tears I shed. But at this +time I was much given to crying, not only over big things, but +over trifling ones too. For instance: I was very anxious to +advance in virtue, but I went about it in a strange way. I was not +accustomed to wait on myself; Celine always arranged our room, and +I never did any household work. Sometimes, in order to please Our +Lord, I used to make my bed, or, if she were out in the evening, +to bring in her plants and seedlings. As I said before, it was +simply to please Our Lord that I did these things, and so I ought +not to have expected any thanks from creatures. But, alas! I did +expect them, and, if unfortunately Celine did not seem surprised +and grateful for my little services, I was not pleased, and tears +rose to my eyes. + +Again, if by accident I offended anyone, instead of taking it in +the right way, I fretted till I made myself ill, thus making my +fault worse, instead of mending it; and when I began to realise my +foolishness, I would cry for having cried. + +In fact, I made troubles out of everything. Now, things are quite +different. God in His goodness has given me grace not to be cast +down by any passing difficulty. When I think of what I used to be, +my heart overflows with gratitude. The graces I have received have +changed me so completely, that I am scarcely the same person. + +After Marie entered the Carmel, and I no longer had her to listen +to my scruples, I turned towards Heaven and confided them to the +four little angels who had already gone before me, for I thought +that these innocent souls, who had never known sorrow or fear, +ought to have pity on their poor little suffering sister. I talked +to them with childish simplicity, telling them that, as I was the +youngest of the family, I had always been the most petted and +loved by my parents and sisters; that if they had remained on +earth they would no doubt have given me the same proofs of their +affection. The fact that they had gone to Heaven seemed no reason +why they should forget me--on the contrary, as they were able to +draw form the treasury of Heaven, they ought to obtain for me the +grace of peace, and prove that they still knew how to love me. + +The answer was not long in coming; soon my soul was flooded with +the sweetest peace. I knew that I was loved, not only on earth but +also in Heaven. From that time my devotion for these little +brothers and sisters increased; I loved to talk to them and tell +them of all the sorrows of this exile, and of my wish to join them +soon in our Eternal Home. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Matt. 6:3. + +[2] Wisdom 4:12. + +[3] _Imit.,_ I, ch. i. 3. + +[4] Cant. 2:1. + +[5] Gal. 2:20. + +[6] _Imit.,_ III, ch. xxvi. 3. + +[7] St. Teresa, who reformed the Carmelite Order, and died in +1582, is sometimes called the Doctor of Mystical Theology, because +of her luminous writings on the relations of the soul with God in +prayer. [Ed.] + +[8] Ps. 54[55]:7. + +[9] Luke 7:47. + +[10] Luke 5:32. + +[11] Cf. Wisdom 4:11. + +[12] It was on May 31, 1886, that she became a Sodalist of Our +Lady. [Ed.] + +[13] Wisdom 5:10. + +[14] Marie entered the Carmel of Lisieux on October 15, 1886, +taking the name of Sister Mary of the Sacred Heart. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER V VOCATION OF THERESE + +I was far from meriting all the graces which Our Lord showered on +me. I had a constant and ardent desire to advance in virtue, but +often my actions were spoilt by imperfections. My extreme +sensitiveness made me almost unbearable. All arguments were +useless. I simply could not correct myself of this miserable +fault. How, then, could I hope soon to be admitted to the Carmel? +A miracle on a small scale was needed to give me strength of +character all at once, and God worked this long-desired miracle on +Christmas Day, 1886. + +On that blessed night the sweet Infant Jesus, scarce an hour old, +filled the darkness of my soul with floods of light. By becoming +weak and little, for love of me, He made me strong and brave; He +put His own weapons into my hands, so that I went from victory to +victory, beginning, if I may say so, "to run as a giant."[1] The +fountain of my tears was dried up, and from that time they flowed +neither easily nor often. + +Now I will tell you, dear Mother, how I received this inestimable +grace of complete conversion. I knew that when we reached home +after Midnight Mass I should find my shoes in the chimney-corner, +filled with presents, just as when I was a little child, which +proves that my sisters still treated me as a baby. Papa, too, +liked to watch my enjoyment and hear my cries of delight at each +fresh surprise that came from the magic shoes, and his pleasure +added to mine. But the time had come when Our Lord wished to free +me from childhood's failings, and even withdraw me from its +innocent pleasures. On this occasion, instead of indulging me as +he generally did, Papa seemed vexed, and on my way upstairs I +heard him say: "Really all this is too babyish for a big girl like +Therese, and I hope it is the last year it will happen." His words +cut me to the quick. Celine, knowing how sensitive I was, +whispered: "Don't go downstairs just yet--wait a little, you would +cry too much if you looked at your presents before Papa." But +Therese was no longer the same--Jesus had changed her heart. + +Choking back my tears, I ran down to the dining-room, and, though +my heart beat fast, I picked up my shoes, and gaily pulled out all +the things, looking as happy as a queen. Papa laughed, and did not +show any trace of displeasure, and Celine thought she must be +dreaming. But happily it was a reality; little Therese had +regained, once for all, the strength of mind which she had lost at +the age of four and a half. + +On this night of grace, the third period of my life began--the +most beautiful of all, the one most filled with heavenly favours. +In an instant Our Lord, satisfied with my good will, accomplished +the work I had not been able to do during all these years. Like +the Apostle I could say: "Master, we have laboured all night, and +have taken nothing."[2] + +More merciful to me even than to His beloved disciples, Our Lord +Himself took the net, cast it, and drew it out full of fishes. He +made me a fisher of men. Love and a spirit of self-forgetfulness +took possession of me, and from that time I was perfectly happy. + +One Sunday, closing my book at the end of Mass, a picture of Our +Lord on the Cross half slipped out, showing only one of His Divine +Hands, pierced and bleeding. I felt an indescribable thrill such +as I had never felt before. My heart was torn with grief to see +that Precious Blood falling to the ground, and no one caring to +treasure It as It fell, and I resolved to remain continually in +spirit at the foot of the Cross, that I might receive the Divine +Dew of Salvation and pour it forth upon souls. From that day the +cry of my dying Saviour--"I thirst!"--sounded incessantly in my +heart, and kindled therein a burning zeal hitherto unknown to me. +My one desire was to give my Beloved to drink; I felt myself +consumed with thirst for souls, and I longed at any cost to snatch +sinners from the everlasting flames of hell. + +In order still further to enkindle my ardour, Our Divine Master +soon proved to me how pleasing to him was my desire. Just then I +heard much talk of a notorious criminal, Pranzini, who was +sentenced to death for several shocking murders, and, as he was +quite impenitent, everyone feared he would be eternally lost. How +I longed to avert this irreparable calamity! In order to do so I +employed all the spiritual means I could think of, and, knowing +that my own efforts were unavailing, I offered for his pardon the +infinite merits of Our Saviour and the treasures of Holy Church. + +Need I say that in the depths of my heart I felt certain my +request would be granted? But, that I might gain courage to +persevere in the quest for souls, I said in all simplicity: "My +God, I am quite sure that Thou wilt pardon this unhappy Pranzini. +I should still think so if he did not confess his sins or give any +sign of sorrow, because I have such confidence in Thy unbounded +Mercy; but this is my first sinner, and therefore I beg for just +one sign of repentance to reassure me." My prayer was granted to +the letter. My Father never allowed us to read the papers, but I +did not think there was any disobedience in looking at the part +about Pranzini. The day after his execution I hastily opened the +paper, _La Croix,_ and what did I see? Tears betrayed my emotion; +I was obliged to run out of the room. Pranzini had mounted the +scaffold without confessing or receiving absolution, and the +executioners were already dragging him towards the fatal block, +when all at once, apparently in answer to a sudden inspiration, he +turned round, seized the crucifix which the Priest was offering to +him, and kissed Our Lord's Sacred Wounds three times. . . . I had +obtained the sign I asked for, and to me it was especially sweet. +Was it not when I saw the Precious Blood flowing from the Wounds +of Jesus that the thirst for souls first took possession of me? I +wished to give them to drink of the Blood of the Immaculate Lamb +that It might wash away their stains, and the lips of "my first +born" had been pressed to these Divine Wounds. What a wonderful +answer! + +After receiving this grace my desire for the salvation of souls +increased day by day. I seemed to hear Our Lord whispering to me, +as He did to the Samaritan woman: "Give me to drink!"[3] It was +indeed an exchange of love: upon souls I poured forth the Precious +Blood of Jesus, and to Jesus I offered these souls refreshed with +the Dew of Calvary. In this way I thought to quench His Thirst; +but the more I gave Him to drink, so much the more did the thirst +of my own poor soul increase, and I accepted it as the most +delightful recompense. + +In a short time God, in His goodness, had lifted me out of the +narrow sphere in which I lived. The great step was taken; but, +alas! I had still a long road to travel. Now that I was free from +scruples and morbid sensitiveness, my mind developed. I had always +loved what was noble and beautiful, and about this time I was +seized with a passionate desire for learning. Not content with +lessons from my teachers, I took up certain subjects by myself, +and learnt more in a few months than I had in my whole school +life. Was not this ardour--"vanity and vexation of spirit"?[4] For +me, with my impetuous nature, this was one of the most dangerous +times of my life, but Our Lord fulfilled in me those words of +Ezechiel's prophecy: "Behold thy time was the time of lovers: and +I spread my garment over thee. And I swore to thee, and I entered +into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord God, and thou becamest +Mine. And I washed thee with water, and I anointed thee with oil. +I clothed thee with fine garments, and put a chain about thy neck. +Thou didst eat fine flour and honey and oil, and wast made +exceedingly beautiful, and wast advanced to be a queen."[5] + +Yes, Our Lord has done all this for me. I might take each word of +that striking passage and show how it has been completely realised +in me, but the graces of which I have already told you are +sufficient proof. So I will only speak now of the food with which +my Divine Master abundantly provided me. For a long time I had +nourished my spiritual life with the "fine flour" contained in the +_Imitation of Christ._ It was the only book which did me good, for +I had not yet found the treasures hidden in the Holy Gospels. I +always had it with me, to the amusement of my people at home. My +aunt used often to open it, and make me repeat by heart the first +chapter she chanced to light upon. + +Seeing my great thirst for knowledge, God was pleased, when I was +fourteen, to add to the "fine flour," "honey" and "oil" in +abundance. + +This "honey" and "oil" I found in the conferences of Father +Arminjon on _The End of this World and the Mysteries of the World +to Come._ While reading this book my soul was flooded with a +happiness quite supernatural. I experienced a foretaste of what +God has prepared for those who love Him; and, seeing that eternal +rewards are so much in excess of the petty sacrifices of this +life, I yearned to love Our Lord, to love Him passionately, and to +give Him countless proofs of affection while this was still in my +power. + +Celine had become the most intimate sharer of my thoughts, +especially since Christmas. Our Lord, Who wished to make us +advance in virtue together, drew us to one another by ties +stronger than blood. He made us sisters in spirit as well as in +the flesh. The words of our Holy Father, St. John of the Cross, +were realised in us: + + Treading within Thy Footsteps + Young maidens lightly run upon the way. + From the spark's contact, + And the spiced wine, + They give forth aspirations of a balm divine. + +It was lightly indeed that we followed in the footsteps of Our +Saviour. The burning sparks which He cast into our souls, the +strong wine which He gave us to drink, made us lose sight of all +earthly things, and we breathed forth sighs of love. + +Very sweet is the memory of our intercourse. Every evening we went +up to our attic window together and gazed at the starry depths of +the sky, and I think very precious graces were bestowed on us +then. As the _Imitation_ says: "God communicates Himself sometimes +amid great light, at other times sweetly in signs and figures."[6] + +In this way He deigned to manifest Himself to our hearts; but how +slight and transparent was the veil! Doubt was no longer possible; +already Faith and Hope had given place to Love, which made us find +Him whom we sought, even on this earth. When He found us +alone--"He gave us His kiss, and now no one may despise us."[7] + +These divine impressions could not but bear fruit. The practice of +virtue gradually became sweet and natural to me. At first my looks +betrayed the effort, but, little by little, self-sacrifice seemed +to come more easily and without hesitation. Our Lord has said: "To +everyone that hath shall be given, and he shall abound."[8] + +Each grace faithfully received brought many others. He gave +Himself to me in Holy Communion oftener than I should have dared +to hope. I had made it my practice to go to Communion as often as +my confessor allowed me, but never to ask for leave to go more +frequently. Now, however, I should act differently, for I am +convinced that a soul ought to disclose to her director the +longing she has to receive her God. He does not come down from +Heaven each day in order to remain in a golden ciborium, but to +find another Heaven--the Heaven of our souls in which He takes +such delight. + +Our Lord, Who knew my desire, inspired my confessor to allow me to +go to Communion several times a week, and this permission, coming +as it did straight from Him, filled me with joy. + +In those days I did not dare to speak of my inner feelings; the +road which I trod was so direct, so clear, that I did not feel the +need of any guide but Jesus. I compared directors to mirrors who +faithfully reflect Our Saviour to the souls under their care, and +I thought that in my case He did not use an intermediary but acted +directly. + +When a gardener gives special attention to a fruit which he wishes +to ripen early, he does so, not with a view to leaving it on the +tree, but in order to place it on a well-spread table. Our Lord +lavished His favours on His Little Flower in the same way. He +wishes His Mercies to shine forth in me--He Who, while on earth, +cried out in a transport of joy: "I bless Thee, O Father, because +Thou hast hidden these things from the wise and prudent and hast +revealed them to little ones."[9] + +And because I was small and frail, He bent down to me and +instructed me sweetly in the secrets of His love. As St. John of +the Cross says in his "Canticle of the Soul": + + On that happy night + In secret I went forth, beheld by none, + And seeing naught; + Having no light nor guide + Excepting that which burned within my heart, + + Which lit my way + More safely than the glare of noon-day sun + To where, expectant, + He waited for me Who doth know me well, + Where none appeared but He. + +This place was Carmel, but before I could "sit down under His +Shadow Whom I desired,"[10] I had to pass through many trials. And +yet the Divine Call was becoming so insistent that, had it been +necessary for me to go through fire, I would have thrown myself +into it to follow my Divine Master. + +Pauline[11] was the only one who encouraged me in my vocation; +Marie thought I was too young, and you, dear Mother, no doubt to +prove me, tried to restrain my ardour. From the start I +encountered nothing but difficulties. Then, too, I dared not speak +of it to Celine, and this silence pained me deeply; it was so hard +to have a secret she did not share. + +However, this dear sister soon found out my intention, and, far +from wishing to keep me back, she accepted the sacrifice with +wonderful courage. As she also wished to be a nun, she ought to +have been given the first opportunity; but, imitating the martyrs +of old, who used joyfully to embrace those chosen to go before +them into the arena, she allowed me to leave her, and took my +troubles as much to heart as if it were a question of her own +vocation. From Celine, then, I had nothing to fear, but I did not +know how to set about telling Papa. How could his little Queen +talk of leaving him when he had already parted with his two eldest +daughters? Moreover, this year he had been stricken with a serious +attack of paralysis, and though he recovered quickly we were full +of anxiety for the future. + +What struggles I went through before I could make up my mind to +speak! But I had to act decisively; I was now fourteen and a half, +and in six months' time the blessed feast of Christmas would be +here. I had resolved to enter the Carmel at the same hour at which +a year before I had received the grace of conversion. + +I chose the feast of Pentecost on which to make my great +disclosure. All day I was praying for light from the Holy Ghost, +and begging the Apostles to pray for me, to inspire me with the +words I ought to use. Were they not the very ones to help a timid +child whom God destines to become an apostle of apostles by prayer +and sacrifice? + +In the afternoon, when Vespers were over, I found the opportunity +I wanted. My Father was sitting in the garden, his hands clasped, +admiring the wonders of nature. The rays of the setting sun gilded +the tops of the tall trees, and the birds chanted their evening +prayer. + +His beautiful face wore a heavenly expression--I could feel that +his soul was full of peace. Without a word, I sat down by his +side, my eyes already wet with tears. He looked at me with +indescribable tenderness, and, pressing me to his heart, said: +"What is it, little Queen? Tell me everything." Then, in order to +hide his own emotion, he rose and walked slowly up and down, still +holding me close to him. + +Through my tears I spoke of the Carmel and of my great wish to +enter soon. He, too, wept, but did not say a word to turn me from +my vocation; he only told me that I was very young to make such a +grave decision, and as I insisted, and fully explained my reasons, +my noble and generous Father was soon convinced. We walked about +for a long time; my heart was lightened, and Papa no longer shed +tears. He spoke to me as Saints speak, and showed me some flowers +growing in the low stone wall. Picking one of them, he gave it to +me, and explained the loving care with which God had made it +spring up and grow till now. + +I fancied myself listening to my own story, so close was the +resemblance between the little flower and little Therese. I +received this floweret as a relic, and noticed that in gathering +it my Father had pulled it up by the roots without breaking them; +it seemed destined to live on, but in other and more fertile soil. +Papa had just done the same for me. He allowed me to leave the +sweet valley, where I had passed the first years of my life, for +the mountain of Carmel. I fastened my little white flower to a +picture of Our Lady of Victories--the Blessed Virgin smiles on +it, and the Infant Jesus seems to hold it in His Hand. It is there +still, but the stalk is broken close to the root. God doubtless +wishes me to understand that He will soon break all the earthly +ties of His Little Flower and will not leave her to wither on this +earth. + +Having obtained my Father's consent, I thought I could now fly to +the Carmel without hindrance. Far from it! When I told my uncle of +my project, he declared that to enter such a severe Order at the +age of fifteen seemed to him against all common sense, and that it +would be doing a wrong to religion to let a child embrace such a +life. He added that he should oppose it in every way possible, and +that nothing short of a miracle would make him change his mind. + +I could see that all arguments were useless, so I left him, my +heart weighed down by profound sadness. My only consolation was +prayer. I entreated Our Lord to work this miracle for me because +thus only could I respond to His appeal. Some time went by, and my +uncle did not seem even to remember our conversation, though I +learnt later that it had been constantly in his thoughts. + +Before allowing a ray of hope to shine on my soul, Our Lord +deigned to send me another most painful trial which lasted for +three days. Never had I understood so well the bitter grief of Our +Lady and St. Joseph when they were searching the streets of +Jerusalem for the Divine Child. I seemed to be in a frightful +desert, or rather, my soul was like a frail skiff, without a +pilot, at the mercy of the stormy waves. I knew that Jesus was +there asleep in my little boat, but how could I see Him while the +night was so dark? If the storm had really broken, a flash of +lightning would perhaps have pierced the clouds that hung over me: +even though it were but a passing ray, it would have enabled me to +catch a momentary glimpse of the Beloved of my heart--but this was +denied me. Instead, it was night, dark night, utter desolation, +death! Like my Divine Master in the Agony in the Garden, I felt +that I was alone, and found no comfort on earth or in Heaven. + +Nature itself seemed to share my bitter sadness, for during these +three days there was not a ray of sunshine and the rain fell in +torrents. I have noticed again and again that in all the important +events of my life nature has reflected my feelings. When I wept, +the skies wept with me; when I rejoiced, no cloud darkened the +blue of the heavens. On the fourth day, a Saturday, I went to see +my uncle. What was my surprise when I found his attitude towards +me entirely changed! He invited me into his study, a privilege I +had not asked for; then, after gently reproaching me for being a +little constrained with him, he told me that the miracle of which +he had spoken was no longer needed. He had prayed God to guide his +heart aright, and his prayer had been heard. I felt as if I hardly +knew him, he seemed so different. He embraced me with fatherly +affection, saying with much feeling: "Go in peace, my dear child, +you are a privileged little flower which Our Lord wishes to +gather. I will put no obstacle in the way." + +Joyfully I went home. . . . The clouds had quite disappeared from +the sky, and in my soul also dark night was over. Jesus had +awakened to gladden my heart. I no longer heard the roar of the +waves. Instead of the bitter wind of trial, a light breeze swelled +my sail, and I fancied myself safe in port. Alas! more than one +storm was yet to rise, sometimes even making me fear that I should +be driven, without hope of return, from the shore which I longed +to reach. + +I had obtained my uncle's consent, only to be told by you, dear +Mother, that the Superior of the Carmelites would not allow me to +enter till I was twenty-one. No one had dreamt of this serious +opposition, the hardest of all to overcome. And yet, without +losing courage, I went with Papa to lay my request before him. He +received me very coldly, and could not be induced to change his +mind. We left him at last with a very decided "No." "Of course," +he added, "I am only the Bishop's delegate; if he allows you to +enter, I shall have nothing more to say." + +When we came out of the Presbytery again, it was raining in +torrents, and my soul, too, was overcast with heavy clouds. Papa +did not know how to console me, but he promised, if I wished, to +take me to Bayeux to see the Bishop, and to this I eagerly +consented. + +Many things happened, however, before we were able to go. To all +appearances my life seemed to continue as formerly. I went on +studying, and, what is more important, I went on growing in the +love of God. Now and then I experienced what were indeed raptures +of love. + +One evening, not knowing in what words to tell Our Lord how much I +loved him, and how much I wished that He was served and honoured +everywhere, I thought sorrowfully that from the depths of hell +there does not go up to Him one single act of love. Then, from my +inmost heart, I cried out that I would gladly be cast into that +place of torment and blasphemy so that He might be eternally loved +even there. This could not be for His Glory, since He only wishes +our happiness, but love feels the need of saying foolish things. +If I spoke in this way, it was not that I did not long to go to +Heaven, but for me Heaven was nothing else than Love, and in my +ardour I felt that nothing could separate me from the Divine Being +Who held me captive. + +About this time Our Lord gave me the consolation of an intimate +knowledge of the souls of children. I gained it in this way. +During the illness of a poor woman, I interested myself in her two +little girls, the elder of whom was not yet six. It was a real +pleasure to see how simply they believed all that I told them. +Baptism does indeed plant deeply in our souls the theological +virtues, since from early childhood the hope of heavenly reward is +strong enough to make us practise self-denial. When I wanted my +two little girls to be specially kind to one another, instead of +promising them toys and sweets, I talked to them about the eternal +recompense the Holy Child Jesus would give to good children. The +elder one, who was coming to the use of reason, used to look quite +pleased and asked me charming questions about the little Jesus and +His beautiful Heaven. She promised me faithfully always to give in +to her little sister, adding that all through her life she would +never forget what I had taught her. I used to compare these +innocent souls to soft wax, ready to receive any impression--evil, +alas! as well as good, and I understood the words of Our Lord: "It +were better to be thrown into the sea than to scandalise one of +these little ones."[12] + +How many souls might attain to great sanctity if only they were +directed aright from the first! I know God has not need of anyone +to help Him in His work of sanctification, but as He allows a +clever gardener to cultivate rare and delicate plants, giving him +the skill to accomplish it, while reserving to Himself the right +of making them grow, so does He wish to be helped in the +cultivation of souls. What would happen if an ignorant gardener +did not graft his trees in the right way? if he did not understand +the nature of each, and wished, for instance, to make roses grow +on peach trees? + +This reminds me that I used to have among my birds a canary which +sang beautifully, and also a little linnet taken from the nest, of +which I was very fond. This poor little prisoner, deprived of the +teaching it should have received from its parents, and hearing the +joyous trills of the canary from morning to night, tried hard to +imitate them. A difficult task indeed for a linnet! It was +delightful to follow the efforts of the poor little thing; his +sweet voice found great difficulty in accommodating itself to the +vibrant notes of his master, but he succeeded in time, and, to my +great surprise, his song became exactly like the song of the +canary. + +Oh, dear Mother, you know who taught me to sing from the days of +my earliest childhood! You know the voices which drew me on. And +now I trust that one day, in spite of my weakness, I may sing for +ever the Canticle of Love, the harmonious notes of which I have +often heard sweetly sounding here below. + +But where am I? These thoughts have carried me too far, and I must +resume the history of my vocation. + +On October 31, 1887, alone with Papa, I started for Bayeux, my +heart full of hope, but also excited at the idea of presenting +myself at the Bishop's house. For the first time in my life, I was +going to pay a visit without any of my sisters, and this to a +Bishop. I, who had never yet had to speak except to answer +questions addressed to me, would have to explain and enlarge on my +reasons for begging to enter the Carmel, and so give proofs of the +genuineness of my vocation. + +It cost me a great effort to overcome my shyness sufficiently to +do this. But it is true that Love knows no such word as +"impossible," for it deems "all things possible, all things +allowed." Nothing whatsoever but the love of Jesus could have made +me face these difficulties and others which followed, for I had to +purchase my happiness by heavy trials. Now, it is true, I think I +bought it very cheaply, and I would willingly bear a thousand +times more bitter suffering to gain it, if it were not already +mine. + +When we reached the Bishop's house, the floodgates of Heaven +seemed open once more. The Vicar-General, Father Reverony, who had +settled the date of our coming, received us very kindly, though he +looked a little surprised, and seeing tears in my eyes said: +"Those diamonds must not be shown to His Lordship!" We were led +through large reception-rooms which made me feel how small I was, +and I wondered what I should dare say. The Bishop was walking in a +corridor with two Priests. I saw the Vicar-General speak a few +words to him, then they came into the room where we were waiting. +There were three large armchairs in front of the fireplace, where +a bright fire blazed. + +As his Lordship entered, my Father and I knelt for his blessing; +then he made us sit down. Father Reverony offered me the armchair +in the middle. I excused myself politely, but he insisted, telling +me to show if I knew how to obey. I did so without any more +hesitation, and was mortified to see him take an ordinary chair +while I was buried in an enormous seat that would comfortably have +held four children like me--more comfortably in fact, for I was +far from being at ease. I hoped that Papa was going to do all the +talking, but he told me to explain the reason of our visit. I did +so as eloquently as I could, though I knew well that one word from +the Superior would have carried more weight than all my reasons, +while his opposition told strongly against me. The Bishop asked +how long I had wanted to enter the Carmel. "A very long time, my +Lord!" "Come!" said the Vicar-General, laughing, "it cannot be as +long as fifteen years." "That is true," I answered, "but it is not +much less, for I have wished to give myself to God from the time I +was three." The Bishop, no doubt to please Papa, tried to explain +that I ought to remain some time longer with him; but, to his +great surprise and edification, my Father took my part, adding +respectfully that we were going to Rome with the diocesan +pilgrimage, and that I should not hesitate to speak to the Holy +Father if I could not obtain permission before then. However, it +was decided that, previous to giving an answer, an interview with +the Superior was absolutely necessary. This was particularly +unpleasant hearing, for I knew his declared and determined +opposition; and, in spite of the advice not to allow the Bishop to +see any diamonds, I not only showed them but let them fall. He +seemed touched, and caressed me fondly. I was afterwards told he +had never treated any child so kindly. + +"All is not lost, little one," he said, "but I am very glad that +you are going to Rome with your good Father; you will thus +strengthen your vocation. Instead of weeping, you ought to +rejoice. I am going to Lisieux next week, and I will talk to the +Superior about you. You shall certainly have my answer when you +are in Italy." His Lordship then took us to the garden, and was +much interested when Papa told him that, to make myself look +older, I had put up my hair for the first time that very morning. +This was not forgotten, for I know that even now, whenever the +Bishop tells anyone about his "little daughter," he always repeats +the story about her hair. I must say I should prefer my little +secret to have been kept. As he took us to the door, the +Vicar-General remarked that such a thing had never been seen--a +father as anxious to give his child to God as the child was to +offer herself. + +We had to return to Lisieux without a favourable answer. It seemed +to me as though my future were shattered for ever; the nearer I +drew to the goal, the greater my difficulties became. But all the +time I felt deep down in my heart a wondrous peace, because I knew +that I was only seeking the Will of my Lord. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Psalm 18[19]:5. + +[2] Luke 5:5. + +[3] John 4:7. + +[4] Eccl. 1:14. + +[5] Ezechiel 16:8, 9, 13. + +[6] Cf. _Imit.,_ III, ch. xliii. 4. + +[7] Cf. Cant. 8:1. + +[8] Luke 19:26. + +[9] Cf. Luke 10:21. + +[10] Cant. 2:3. + +[11] Sister Agnes of Jesus. + +[12] Cf. Matt. 18:6. + +______________________________ + +CHAPTER VI +A PILGRIMAGE TO ROME + +Three days after the journey to Bayeux, I started on a much longer +one--to the Eternal City. This journey taught me the vanity of +all that passes away. Nevertheless I saw splendid monuments; I +studied the countless wonders of art and religion; and better than +all, I trod the very ground the Holy Apostles had trodden--the +ground watered by the blood of martyrs--and my soul grew by +contact with these holy things. + +I was delighted to go to Rome; but I could quite understand people +crediting Papa with the hope that in this way I should be brought +to change my mind about the religious life. It might certainly +have upset a vocation that was not very strong. + +To begin with, Celine and I found ourselves in the company of many +distinguished people. In fact, there were scarcely any others in +the pilgrimage; but, far from being dazzled thereby, titles seemed +to us but a "vapour of smoke,"[1] and I understood the words of +the _Imitation:_ "Be not solicitous for the shadow of a great +name."[2] I understood that true greatness is not found in a name +but in the soul. The Prophet Isaias tells us: "The Lord shall call +His servants by another name,"[3] and we read in St. John: "To him +that overcometh I will give a white counter, and on the counter a +new name written which no man knoweth but he that receiveth +it."[4] In Heaven, therefore, we shall know our titles of +nobility, and "then shall every man have praise from God,"[5] and +he who on earth chose to be poorest and least known for love of +his Saviour, he will be the first, the noblest, and the richest. + +The second thing I learnt had to do with Priests. Up to this time +I had not understood the chief aim of the Carmelite Reform. To +pray for sinners delighted me; to pray for Priests, whose souls +seemed pure as crystal, that indeed astonished me. But in Italy I +realised my vocation, and even so long a journey was a small price +to pay for such valuable knowledge. During that month I met with +many holy Priests, and yet I saw that even though the sublime +dignity of Priesthood raises them higher than the Angels, they are +still but weak and imperfect men. And so if holy Priests, whom Our +Lord in the Gospel calls the salt of the earth, have need of our +prayers, what must we think of the lukewarm? Has not Our Lord +said: "If the salt lose its savour wherewith shall it be +salted?"[6] Oh, dear Mother, how beautiful is our vocation! We +Carmelites are called to preserve "the salt of the earth." We +offer our prayers and sacrifices for the apostles of the Lord; we +ourselves ought to be their apostles, while they, by word and +example, are preaching the Gospel to our brethren. Have we not a +glorious mission to fulfill? But I must say no more, for I feel +that on this subject my pen would run on for ever. + +Now let me describe my journey in some detail. At three o'clock in +the morning of November 4, we passed through the silent streets. +Lisieux still lay shrouded in the darkness of night. I felt that I +was going out into the unknown, and that great things were +awaiting me in Rome. When we reached Paris, Papa took us to see +all the sights. For me there was but one--Our Lady of Victories. I +can never tell you what I felt at her shrine; the graces Our Lady +granted me were like those of my First Communion Day. I was filled +with peace and happiness. In this holy spot the Blessed Virgin, my +Mother, told me plainly that it was really she who had smiled on +me and cured me. With intense fervour I entreated her to keep me +always, and to realise my heart's desire by hiding me under her +spotless mantle, and I also asked her to remove from me every +occasion of sin. + +I was well aware that during this journey I should come across +things that might disturb me; knowing nothing of evil, I feared I +might discover it. As yet I had not experienced that "to the pure +all things are pure,"[7] that a simple and upright soul does not +see evil in anything, because evil only exists in impure hearts +and not in inanimate objects. I prayed specially to St. Joseph to +watch over me; from my childhood, devotion to him has been +interwoven with my love for our Blessed Lady. Every day I said the +prayer beginning: "St. Joseph, Father and Protector of Virgins" +. . . so I felt I was well protected and quite safe from danger. + +We left Paris on November 7, after our solemn Consecration to the +Sacred Heart in the Basilica of Montmartre.[8] Each compartment of +the train was named after a Saint, and the selection was made in +honour of some Priest occupying it--his own patron or that of his +parish being chosen. But in the presence of all the pilgrims our +compartment was named after St. Martin! My Father, deeply touched +by this compliment, went at once to thank Mgr. Legoux, +Vicar-General of Coutances and director of the pilgrimage. From +this onwards he was often called "Monsieur Saint Martin." + +Father Reverony watched my behaviour closely. I could tell that he +was doing so; at table, if I were not opposite to him, he would +lean forward to look at me and listen to what I was saying. I +think he must have been satisfied with his investigations, for, +towards the end of the journey, he seemed more favourably +disposed. I say towards the end, for in Rome he was far from being +my advocate, as I will tell you presently. Still I would not have +it thought he deceived me in any way by falling short of the good +will he had shown at Bayeux. On the contrary, I am sure that he +always felt kindly towards me, and that if he opposed my wishes it +was only to put me to the test. + +On our way into Italy we passed through Switzerland, with its high +mountains, their snowy peaks lost in the clouds, its rushing +torrents, and its deep valleys filled with giant ferns and purple +heather. Great good was wrought in my soul by these beauties of +nature so abundantly scattered abroad. They lifted it to Him Who +had been pleased to lavish such masterpieces upon this transient +earth. + +Sometimes we were high up the mountain side, while at our feet an +unfathomable abyss seemed ready to engulf us. A little later we +were passing through a charming village with its cottages and +graceful belfry, above which light fleecy clouds floated lazily. +Farther on a great lake with its blue waters, so calm and clear, +would blend with the glowing splendour of the setting sun. I +cannot tell you how deeply I was impressed with this scenery so +full of poetry and grandeur. It was a foretaste of the wonders of +Heaven. Then the thought of religious life would come before me, +as it really is, with its constraints and its little daily +sacrifices made in secret. I understood how easily one might +become wrapped in self and forget the sublime end of one's +vocation, and I thought: "Later on, when the time of trial comes, +when I am enclosed in the Carmel and shall only be able to see a +little bit of sky, I will remember this day and it will encourage +me. I will make light of my own small interests by thinking of the +greatness and majesty of God; I will love Him alone, and will not +be so foolish as to attach myself to the fleeting trifles of this +world, now that my heart has had a glimpse of what is reserved for +those who love Him." + +After having contemplated the works of God, I turned next to +admire those of His creatures. Milan was the first Italian town we +visited, and we carefully studied its Cathedral of white marble, +adorned with countless statues. Celine and I left the timid ones, +who hid their faces in fear after climbing to the first stage, +and, following the bolder pilgrims, we reached the top, from +whence we viewed the city below. When we came down we started on +the first of our expeditions; these lasted the whole month of the +pilgrimage, and quite cured me of a desire to be always lazily +riding in a carriage. + +The "Campo Santo"[9] charmed us. The whole vast enclosure is +covered with marble statues, so exquisitely carved as to be +life-like, and placed with an apparent negligence that only +enhances their charm. You feel almost tempted to console the +imaginary personages that surround you, their expression so +exactly portrays a calm and Christian sorrow. And what works of +art! Here is a child putting flowers on its father's grave--one +forgets how solid is marble--the delicate petals appear to slip +through its fingers. Sometimes the light veils of the widows, and +the ribbons of the young girls, seem floating on the breeze. + +We could not find words to express our admiration, but an old +gentleman who followed us everywhere--regretting no doubt his +inability to share our sentiments--said in a tone of ill-temper: +"Oh, what enthusiasts these French people are!" and yet he also +was French. I think the poor man would have done better to stay at +home. Instead of enjoying the journey he was always grumbling: +nothing pleased him, neither cities, hotels, people, nor anything +else. My Father, whose disposition was the exact opposite, was +quite content, no matter what happened, and tried to cheer our +friend, offering him his place in the carriage or elsewhere, and +with his wonted goodness encouraging him to look on the bright +side of things. But nothing could cheer him. How many different +kinds of people we saw and how interesting it is to study the +world when one is just about to leave it! + +In Venice the scene changed completely. Instead of the bustle of a +large city, silence reigned, broken only by the lapping of the +waters and the cries of the gondoliers as they plied their oars; +it is a city full of charm but full of sadness. Even the Palace of +the Doges, splendid though it be, is sad; we walked through halls +whose vaulted roofs have long since ceased to re-echo the voices +of the governors in their sentences of life and death. Its dark +dungeons are no longer a living tomb for unfortunate prisoners to +pine within. + +While visiting these dreadful prisons I fancied myself in the +times of the martyrs, and gladly would I have chosen this sombre +abode for my dwelling if there had been any question of confessing +my faith. Presently the guide's voice roused me from my reverie, +and I crossed the "Bridge of Sighs," so called because of the +sighs uttered by the wretched prisoners as they passed from their +dungeons to sentence and to death. After leaving Venice we visited +Padua and there venerated the relic of St. Anthony's tongue; then +Bologna, where St. Catherine's body rests. Her face still bears +the impress of the kiss bestowed on her by the Infant Jesus. + +I was indeed happy when on the way to Loreto. Our Lady had chosen +an ideal spot in which to place her Holy House. Everything is +poor, simple, and primitive; the women still wear the graceful +dress of the country and have not, as in the large towns, adopted +the modern Paris fashions. I found Loreto enchanting. And what +shall I say of the Holy House? I was overwhelmed with emotion when +I realised that I was under the very roof that had sheltered the +Holy Family. I gazed on the same walls Our Lord had looked on. I +trod the ground once moistened with the sweat of St. Joseph's +toil, and saw the little chamber of the Annunciation, where the +Blessed Virgin Mary held Jesus in her arms after she had borne Him +there in her virginal womb. I even put my Rosary into the little +porringer used by the Divine Child. How sweet those memories! + +But our greatest joy was to receive Jesus in His own House, and +thus become His living temple in the very place which He had +honoured by His Divine Presence. According to Roman custom the +Blessed Sacrament is reserved at one Altar in each Church, and +there only is it given to the faithful. At Loreto this Altar was +in the Basilica--which is built round the Holy House, enclosing it +as a precious stone might be enclosed in a casket of white marble. +The exterior mattered little to us, it was in the _diamond_ itself +that we wished to receive the Bread of Angels. My Father, with his +habitual gentleness, followed the other pilgrims, but his +daughters, less easily satisfied, went towards the Holy House. + +God favoured us, for a Priest was on the point of celebrating +Mass; we told him of our great wish, and he immediately asked for +two hosts, which he placed on the paten. You may picture, dear +Mother, the ecstatic happiness of that Communion; no words can +describe it. What will be our joy when we communicate eternally in +the dwelling of the King of Heaven? It will be undimmed by the +grief of parting, and will know no end. His House will be ours for +all eternity, and there will be no need to covet fragments from +the walls hallowed by the Divine Presence. He will not give us His +earthly Home--He only shows it to us to make us love poverty and +the hidden life. What He has in store for us is the Palace of His +Glory, where we shall no longer see Him veiled under the form of a +child or the appearance of bread, but as He is, in the brightness +of His Infinite Beauty. + +Now I am going to tell you about Rome--Rome, where I thought to +find comfort and where I found the cross. It was night when we +arrived. I was asleep, and was awakened by the porters calling: +"Roma!" The pilgrims caught up the cry and repeated: "Roma, Roma!" +Then I knew that it was not a dream, I was really in Rome! + +Our first day, and perhaps the most enjoyable, was spent outside +the walls. There, everything retains its stamp of antiquity, +whilst in Rome, with its hotels and shops, one might fancy oneself +in Paris. This drive in the Roman Campagna has left a specially +delightful impression on my mind. + +How shall I describe the feelings which thrilled me when I gazed +on the Coliseum? At last I saw the arena where so many Martyrs had +shed their blood for Christ. My first impulse was to kiss the +ground sanctified by their glorious combats. But what a +disappointment! The soil has been raised, and the real arena is +now buried at the depth of about twenty-six feet. + +As the result of excavations the centre is nothing but a mass of +rubbish, and an insurmountable barrier guards the entrance; in any +case no one dare penetrate into the midst of these dangerous +ruins. But was it possible to be in Rome and not go down to the +real Coliseum? No, indeed! And I no longer listened to the guide's +explanations: one thought only filled my mind--I must reach the +arena. + +We are told in the Gospel that St. Mary Magdalen remained close to +the Sepulchre and stooped down constantly to look in; she was +rewarded by seeing two Angels. So, like her, I kept stooping down +and I saw, not two Angels, but what I was in search of. I uttered +a cry of joy and called out to my sister: "Come, follow me, we +shall be able to get through." We hurried on at once, scrambling +over the ruins which crumbled under our feet. Papa, aghast at our +boldness, called out to us, but we did not hear. + +As the warriors of old felt their courage grow in face of peril, +so our joy increased in proportion to the fatigue and danger we +had to face to attain the object of our desires. Celine, more +foreseeing than I, had listened to the guide. She remembered that +he had pointed out a particular stone marked with a cross, and had +told us it was the place where the Martyrs had fought the good +fight. She set to work to find it, and having done so we threw +ourselves on our knees on this sacred ground. Our souls united in +one and the same prayer. My heart beat violently when I pressed my +lips to the dust reddened with the blood of the early Christians. +I begged for the grace to be a martyr for Jesus, and I felt in the +depths of my heart that my prayer was heard. All this took but a +short time. After collecting some stones we approached the walls +once more to face the danger. We were so happy that Papa had not +the heart to scold us, and I could see that he was proud of our +courage. + +From the Coliseum we went to the Catacombs, and there Celine and I +laid ourselves down in what had once been the tomb of St. Cecilia, +and took some of the earth sanctified by her holy remains. Before +our journey to Rome I had not felt any special devotion to St. +Cecilia, but on visiting the house where she was martyred, and +hearing her proclaimed "Queen of harmony"--because of the sweet +song she sang in her heart to her Divine Spouse--I felt more than +devotion towards her, it was real love as for a friend. She became +my chosen patroness, and the keeper of all my secrets; her +abandonment to God and her boundless confidence delighted me +beyond measure. They were so great that they enabled her to make +souls pure which had never till then desired aught but earthly +pleasures. + +St. Cecilia is like the Spouse in the Canticles. I find in her the +Scriptural "choir in an armed camp."[10] Her life was one +melodious song in the midst of the greatest trials; and this is +not strange, because we read that "the Book of the Holy Gospels +lay ever on her heart,"[11] while in her heart reposed the Spouse +of Virgins. + +Our visit to the Church of St. Agnes was also very delightful. I +tried, but without success, to obtain a relic to take back to my +little Mother, Sister Agnes of Jesus. Men refused me, but God +Himself came to my aid: a little bit of red marble, from an +ancient mosaic dating back to the time of the sweet martyr, fell +as my feet. Was this not touching? St. Agnes herself gave me a +keepsake from her house. + +We spent six days in visiting the great wonders in Rome, and on +the seventh saw the greatest of all--Leo XIII. I longed for, yet +dreaded, that day, for on it depended my vocation. I had received +no answer from the Bishop of Bayeux, and so the Holy Father's +permission was my one and only hope. But in order to obtain this +permission I had first to ask it. The mere thought made me +tremble, for I must dare speak to the Pope, and that, in presence +of many Cardinals, Archbishops, and Bishops! + +On Sunday morning, November 20, we went to the Vatican, and were +taken to the Pope's private chapel. At eight o'clock we assisted +at his Mass, during which his fervent piety, worthy of the Vicar +of Christ, gave evidence that he was in truth the "Holy Father." + +The Gospel for that day contained these touching words: "Fear not, +little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a +Kingdom."[12] My heart was filled with perfect confidence. No, I +would not fear, I would trust that the Kingdom of the Carmel would +soon be mine. I did not think of those other words of Our Lord: "I +dispose to you, as my Father hath disposed to Me, a Kingdom."[13] +That is to say, I will give you crosses and trials, and thus will +you become worthy to possess My Kingdom. _If you desire to sit on +His right hand you must drink the chalice which He has drunk +Himself._[14] "Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and +so to enter into His glory?"[15] + +A Mass of thanksgiving followed, and then the audience began. Leo +XIII, whose cassock and cape were of white, was seated on a raised +chair, and round him were grouped various dignitaries of the +church. According to custom each visitor knelt in turn and kissed, +first the foot and next the hand of the venerable Pontiff, and +finally received his blessing; then two of the Noble Guard signed +to the pilgrim that he must rise and pass on to the adjoining room +to make way for those who followed. + +No one uttered a word, but I was firmly determined to speak, when +suddenly the Vicar-General of Bayeux, Father Reverony, who was +standing at the Pope's right hand, told us in a loud voice that he +absolutely forbade anyone to address the Holy Father. My heart +beat fast. I turned to Celine, mutely inquiring what I should do. +"Speak!" she said. + +The next moment I found myself on my knees before the Holy Father. +I kissed his foot and he held out his hand; then raising my eyes, +which were filled with tears, I said entreatingly: "Holy Father, I +have a great favour to ask you." At once he bent towards me till +his face almost touched mine, and his piercing black eyes seemed +to read my very soul. "Holy Father," I repeated, "in honour of +your jubilee, will you allow me to enter the Carmel when I am +fifteen?" + +The Vicar-General, surprised and displeased, said quickly: "Holy +Father, this is a child who desires to become a Carmelite, but the +Superiors of the Carmel are looking into the matter." "Well, my +child," said His Holiness, "do whatever the Superiors decide." +Clasping my hands and resting them on his knee, I made a final +effort: "Holy Father, if only you say 'yes,' everyone else would +agree." + +He looked at me fixedly and said clearly and emphatically: "Well, +well! You will enter if it is God's Will." I was going to speak +again, when the Noble Guards motioned to me. As I paid little +attention they came forward, the Vicar-General with them, for I +was still kneeling before the Pope with my hands resting on his +knee. Just as I was forced to rise, the dear Holy Father gently +placed his hand on my lips, then lifted it to bless me, letting +his eyes follow me for quite a long time. + +My Father was much distressed to find me coming from the audience +in tears; he had passed out before me, and so did not know +anything about my request. The Vicar-General had shown him unusual +kindness, presenting him to Leo XIII as the father of two +Carmelites. The Sovereign Pontiff, as a special sign of +benevolence, had placed his hand on his head, thus appearing in +the name of Christ Himself to mark him with a mysterious seal. But +now that this father of _four_ Carmelites is in Heaven, it is no +longer the hand of Christ's Vicar which rests on his brow, +prophesying his martyrdom: it is the hand of the Spouse of +Virgins, of the King of Heaven; and this Divine Hand will never be +taken away from the head which it has blessed. + +This trial was indeed a heavy one, but I must admit that in spite +of my tears I felt a deep inward peace, for I had made every +effort in my power to respond to the appeal of my Divine Master. +This peace, however, dwelt in the depths of my soul--on the +surface all was bitterness; and Jesus was silent--absent it would +seem, for nothing revealed that He was there. + +On that day, too, the sun dared not shine, and the beautiful blue +sky of Italy, hidden by dark clouds, mingled its tears with mine. +All was at an end. My journey had no further charm for me since it +had failed in its object. It is true the Holy Father's words: "You +will enter if it is God's Will," should have consoled me, they +were indeed a prophecy. In spite of all these obstacles, what God +in His goodness willed, has come to pass. He has not allowed His +creatures to do what they will but only what He wills. Sometime +before this took place I had offered myself to the Child Jesus to +be His little plaything. I told Him not to treat me like one of +those precious toys which children only look at and dare not +touch, but to treat me like a little ball of no value, that could +be thrown on the ground, kicked about, pierced, left in a corner, +or pressed to His Heart just as it might please Him. In a word I +wished to amuse the Holy child and to let Him play with me as He +fancied. Here indeed He was answering my prayer. In Rome Jesus +pierced His little plaything. He wanted to see what was inside +. . . and when satisfied, He let it drop and went to sleep. What +was +He doing during His sweet slumber, and what became of the ball +thus cast on one side? He dreamed that He was still at play, that +He took it up or threw it down, that He rolled it far away, but at +last He pressed it to His Heart, nor did He allow it again to slip +from His tiny Hand. Dear Mother, you can imagine the sadness of +the little ball lying neglected on the ground! And yet it +continued to hope against hope. + +After our audience my Father went to call on Brother Simeon--the +founder and director of St. Joseph's College--and there he met +Father Reverony. He reproached him gently for not having helped me +in my difficult task, and told the whole story to Brother Simeon. +The good old man listened with much interest and even made notes, +saying with evident feeling: "This kind of thing is not seen in +Italy." + +The next day we started for Naples and Pompeii. Vesuvius did us +the honour of emitting from its crater a thick volume of smoke, +accompanied by numerous loud reports. The traces of the +devastation of Pompeii are terrifying. They show forth the power +of God: "He looketh upon the earth, and maketh it tremble; He +toucheth the mountains and they smoke." + +I should like to have wandered alone among its ruins, meditating +on the instability of human things, but such solitude was not to +be thought of. + +At Naples we made an expedition to the monastery of San Martino; +it crowns a high hill overlooking the whole city. On the way back +the horses took the bit in their teeth, and it is solely to our +Guardian Angels that I attribute our safe return to the splendid +hotel. This word "splendid" is not too strong to describe it; in +fact during the whole journey we stayed only at the most expansive +hotels. I had never been surrounded by such luxury, but it is +indeed a true saying that riches do not make happiness. I should +have been a thousand times more contented under a thatched room, +with the hope of entering the Carmel, than I was amid marble +staircases, gilded ceilings, and silken hangings, with my heart +full of sorrow. + +I realised thoroughly that joy is not found in the things which +surround us, but lives only in the soul. One could possess it as +well in an obscure prison as in the palace of a king. And so now I +am happier at the Carmel, in the midst of trials within and +without, than I was in the world where I had everything I wanted, +and, above all, the joys of a happy home. + +Although I felt heavy of heart, outwardly I was as usual, for I +thought no one had any knowledge of my petition to the Pope. I was +mistaken. One day, when the other pilgrims had gone to the +refreshment-room and Celine and I were alone, Mgr. Legoux came to +the door of the carriage. He looked at me attentively and smiling +said: "Well, and how is our little Carmelite?" This showed me that +my secret was known to all the pilgrims, and I gathered it, too, +from their kindly looks; but happily no one spoke to me on the +subject. + +At Assisi I had a little adventure. While visiting the places +sanctified by the virtues of St. Francis and St. Clare I lost the +buckle of my belt in the monastery. It took me some time to find +and put it back in place, and when I reached the door all the +carriages had started except one; that belonged to the +Vicar-General of Bayeux! Should I run after those which were no +longer in sight and so perhaps miss the train, or should I beg for +a seat in the carriage of Father Reverony? I decided that this was +the wiser plan. + +I tried to hide my extreme embarrassment and explained things. He +was placed in a difficulty himself, for all the seats were +occupied, but one of the party promptly gave me his place and sat +by the driver. I felt like a squirrel caught in a snare. I was ill +at ease in the midst of these great people, and I had to sit face +to face with the most formidable of all. He was exceedingly kind, +however, and now and then interrupted his conversation to talk to +me about the Carmel and promise that he would do all in his power +to realise my desire of entering at fifteen. This meeting was like +balm to my wounds, though it did not prevent me from suffering. I +had now lost all trust in creatures and could only lean on God +Himself. + +And yet my distress did not hinder me from taking a deep interest +in the holy places we visited. In Florence we saw the shrine of +St. Mary Magdalen of Pazzi, in the choir of the Carmelite Church. +All the pilgrims wanted to touch the Saint's tomb with their +Rosaries, but my hand was the only one small enough to pass +through the grating. So I was deputed for this important and +lengthy task, and I did it with pride. + +It was not the first time I had obtained special favours. One day, +at _Santa Croce,_ in Rome, we venerated the relics of the True +Cross, together with two of the Thorns, and one of the Sacred +Nails. I wanted to examine them closely, so I remained behind, and +when the monk in charge was going to replace them on the Altar, I +asked if I might touch the precious treasures. He said I might do +so, but was doubtful if I should succeed; however, I put my little +finger into one of the openings of the reliquary and was able to +touch the Sacred Nail once hallowed by the Blood of Our Saviour. +You see I behaved towards Him like a child who thinks it may do as +it pleases and looks on its Father's treasures as its own. + +Having passed through Pisa and Genoa we came back to France by one +of the loveliest routes. At times we were close to the sea, and +one day during a storm it seemed as though the waves would reach +the train. Farther on we travelled through plains covered with +orange trees, olives, and feathery palms, while at night the +numerous seaports twinkled with lights, and stars came out in the +deep blue sky. But I watched the fairy picture fade away from my +eyes without any regret--my heart was set elsewhere. + +My Father proposed to take me to Jerusalem, but in spite of the +natural wish I had to visit the places sanctified by Our Lord's +Footsteps, I was weary of earthly pilgrimages and only longed for +the beauties of Heaven. In order to win these beauties for souls I +wanted to become a prisoner as quickly as possible. I felt that I +must suffer and struggle still more before the gates of my blessed +prison would open; yet my trust in God did not grow less, and I +still hoped to enter at Christmas. + +We had hardly reached home when I paid a visit to the Carmel. You +must remember well that interview, dear Mother. I left myself +entirely in your hands, for I had exhausted all my resources. You +told me to write to the Bishop and remind him of his promise. I +obeyed at once, and as soon as my letter was posted I felt I +should obtain the coveted permission without any delay. Alas! each +day brought fresh disappointments. The beautiful feast of +Christmas dawned; still Jesus slept. He left His little ball on +the ground without even glancing that way. + +This was indeed a sore trial, but Our Lord, Whose Heart is always +watching, taught me that He granted miracles to those whose faith +is small as a grain of mustard seed, in the hope of strengthening +this slender faith; whilst for His intimate friends, for His +Mother, He did not work miracles till He had proved their faith. +Did He not permit Lazarus to die even though Mary and Martha had +sent word that he was sick? And at the marriage feast of Cana, +when Our Lady asked her Divine Son to aid the master of the house, +did He not answer that His hour had not yet come? But after the +trial what a reward! Water is changed into wine, and Lazarus rises +from the dead. In this way did my Beloved act with His little +Therese; after He had tried her for a long time He granted all her +desires. + +For my New Year's gift of 1888, Jesus again gave me His Cross. You +told me, dear Mother, that you had had the Bishop's answer since +December 28, the feast of Holy Innocents; that he authorised my +immediate entry into the Carmel, but that nevertheless you had +decided not to open its doors till after Lent. I could not +restrain my tears at the thought of such a long delay. This trial +affected me in a special manner, for I felt my earthly ties were +severed, and yet the Ark in its turn refused to admit the poor +little dove. + +How did these three months pass? They were fruitful in sufferings +and still more so in other graces. At first the thought came into +my mind that I would not put any extra restraint on myself, I +would lead a life somewhat less strictly ordered than was my +custom. But Our Lord made me understand the benefit I might derive +from this time He had granted me, and I then resolved to give +myself up to a more serious and mortified life. When I say +mortified, I do not mean that I imitated the penances of the +Saints; far from resembling those beautiful souls who have +practised all sorts of mortifications from their infancy, I made +mine consist in simply checking my inclinations, keeping back an +impatient answer, doing little services to those around me without +setting store thereby, and a hundred other things of the kind. By +practising these trifles I prepared myself to become the Spouse of +Jesus, and I can never tell you, Mother, how much the added delay +helped me to grow in abandonment, in humility, and in other +virtues. +______________________________ + +[1] Joel 2:19. + +[2] _Imitation of Christ,_ III, xxiv. 2. + +[3] Isa. 65:15. + +[4] Apoc. 2:17. + +[5] 1 Cor. 4:5. + +[6] Matt. 5:13. + +[7] Tit. 1:15. + +[8] Montmartre--the "Mount of Martyrs"--is the hill whereon St. +Denis, apostle and bishop of Paris, was martyred with his two +companions in the third century. It was a famous place of +pilgrimage in medieval times, and here St. Ignatius and the first +Jesuits took their vows. Under the presidency of Marshal MacMahon, +the erection of the well-known Basilica was voted in 1873 by the +French Chamber of Deputies as a national act of reparation to the +Sacred Heart. [Ed.] + +[9] Cemetery. + +[10] Cf. Cant. 7:1. + +[11] Office of St. Cecilia. + +[12] Luke 12:32. + +[13] Luke 22:29. + +[14] Cf. Matt. 20:22. + +[15] Luke 24:26. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER VII +THE LITTLE FLOWER ENTERS THE CARMEL + +Monday, April 9, 1888, being the Feast of the Annunciation, +transferred from Passiontide, was the day chosen for me to enter +the Carmel. On the evening before, we were gathered around the +table where I was to take my place for the last time. These +farewells are in themselves heartrending, and just when I would +have liked to be forgotten I received the tenderest expressions of +affection, as if to increase the pain of parting. + +The next morning, after a last look at the happy home of my +childhood, I set out for the Carmel, where we all heard Mass. At +the moment of Communion, when Jesus had entered our hearts, I +heard sobs on all sides. I did not shed a tear, but as I led the +way to the cloister door my heart beat so violently that I +wondered if I were going to die. Oh, the agony of that moment! One +must have experienced it in order to understand. I embraced all my +dear ones and knelt for my Father's blessing. He, too, knelt down +and blessed me through his tears. It was a sight to gladden the +Angels, this old man giving his child to God while she was yet in +the springtime of life. At length the doors of the Carmel closed +upon me. . . . I found a welcome in your arms, dear Mother, and +received the embraces of another family, whose devotedness and +love is not dreamt of by the outside world. + +At last my desires were realised, and I cannot describe the deep +sweet peace which filled my soul. This peace has remained with me +during the eight and a half years of my life here, and has never +left me even amid the greatest trials. + +Everything in the Convent delighted me, especially our little +cell.[1] I fancied myself transported to the desert. I repeat that +my happiness was calm and peaceful--not even the lightest breeze +ruffled the tranquil waters on which my little barque sailed; no +cloud darkened the blue sky. I felt fully recompensed for all I +had gone through, and I kept saying: "Now I am here for ever." +Mine was no passing joy, it did not fade like first illusions. +From illusions God in His Mercy has ever preserved me. I found the +religious life just what I expected, and sacrifice was never a +matter of surprise. Yet you know well that from the beginning my +ways was strewn with thorns rather than with roses. + +In the first place, my soul had for its daily food the bread of +spiritual dryness. Then, too, dear Mother, Our Lord allowed you, +unconsciously, to treat me very severely. You found fault with me +whenever you met me. I remember once I had left a cobweb in the +cloister, and you said to me before the whole community: "It is +easy to see that our cloisters are swept by a child of fifteen. It +is disgraceful! Go and sweep away that cobweb, and be more careful +in future." + +On the rare occasions when I spent an hour with you for spiritual +direction, you seemed to be scolding me nearly all the time, and +what pained me most of all was that I did not see how to correct +my faults: for instance, my slow ways and want of thoroughness in +my duties, faults which you were careful to point out. + +One day it occurred to me that you would certainly prefer me to +spend my free time in work instead of in prayer, as was my custom; +so I plied my needle industriously without even raising my eyes. +No one ever knew of this, as I wished to be faithful to Our Lord +and do things solely for Him to see. + +When I was a postulant our Mistress used to send me every +afternoon at half-past four to weed the garden. This was a real +penance, the more so, dear Mother, because I was almost sure to +meet you on the way, and once you remarked: "Really, this child +does absolutely nothing. What are we to think of a novice who must +have a walk every day?" And yet, dear Mother, how grateful I am to +you for giving me such a sound and valuable training. It was an +inestimable grace. What should I have become, if, as the world +outside believed, I had been but the pet of the Community? +Perhaps, instead of seeing Our Lord in the person of my superiors, +I should only have considered the creature, and my heart, which +had been so carefully guarded in the world, would have been +ensnared by human affection in the cloister. Happily, your +motherly prudence saved me from such a disaster. + +And not only in this matter, but in other and more bitter trials, +I can truly say that Suffering opened her arms to me from the +first, and I took her to my heart. In the solemn examination +before my profession I declared--as was customary--the reason of +my entry into the Carmel: "I have come to save souls, and +especially to pray for Priests." One cannot attain the end without +adopting the means, and as Our Lord made me understand that it was +by the Cross He would give me souls, the more crosses I met with, +the stronger grew my attraction to suffering. For five years this +way was mine, but I alone knew it; this was precisely the flower I +wished to offer to Jesus, a hidden flower which keeps its perfume +only for Heaven. + +Two months after my entry Father Pichon was surprised at the +workings of grace in my soul; he thought my piety childlike and my +path an easy one. My conversation with this good Father would have +brought me great comfort, had it not been for the extreme +difficulty I found in opening my heart. Nevertheless I made a +general confession, and after it he said to me: "Before God, the +Blessed Virgin, and Angels, and all the Saints, I declare that you +have never committed a mortal sin. Thank God for the favours He +has so freely bestowed on you without any merit on your part." + +Without any merit on my part! That was not difficult to believe. +Fully conscious of my weakness and imperfection, my heart +overflowed with gratitude. I had distressed myself, fearing I +might have stained my baptismal robe, and this assurance, coming +as it did from the lips of a director, a man of wisdom and +holiness, such as our Mother St. Teresa desired, seemed to come +from God Himself. Father Pichon added: "May Our Lord always be +your Superior and your Novice Master!" And indeed He ever was, and +likewise my Director. In saying this I do not mean to imply that I +was not communicative with my superiors; far from being reserved, +I always tried to be as an open book. + +Our Mistress was a true saint, the perfect type of the first +Carmelites, and I seldom left her side, for she had to teach me +how to work. Her kindness was beyond words, I loved and +appreciated her, and yet my soul did not expand. I could not +explain myself, words failed me, and so the time of spiritual +direction became a veritable martyrdom. + +One of the older nuns seemed to understand what I felt, for she +once said to me during recreation: "I should think, child, you +have not much to tell your superiors." "Why do you think that, +dear Mother?" I asked. "Because your soul is very simple; but when +you are perfect you will become more simple still. The nearer one +approaches God, the simpler one becomes." + +This good Mother was right. Nevertheless the great difficulty I +found in opening my heart, though it came from simplicity, was a +genuine trial. Now, however, without having lost my simplicity, I +am able to express my thoughts with the greatest ease. + +I have already said that Our Lord Himself had acted as my +Spiritual Guide. Hardly had Father Pichon become my director when +his Superiors sent him to Canada. I was only able to hear from him +once in the year, so now the Little Flower which had been +transplanted to the mountain of Carmel quickly turned to the +Director of Directors, and unfolded itself under the shadow of His +Cross, having for refreshing dew His Tears, His Precious Blood, +and for radiant sun His Adorable Face. + +Until then I had not appreciated the beauties of the Holy Face; it +was my dear Mother, Agnes of Jesus, who unveiled them to me. As +she had been the first of her sisters to enter the Carmel, so she +was the first to penetrate the mysteries of love hidden in the +Face of Our Divine Spouse. Then she showed them to me and I +understood better than ever, in what true glory consists. He whose +"Kingdom is not of this world"[2] taught me that the only royalty +to be coveted lies in being "unknown and esteemed as naught,"[3] +and in the joy of self-abasement. And I wished that my face, like +the Face of Jesus, "should be, as it were, hidden and +despised,"[4] so that no one on earth should esteem me. I thirsted +to suffer and to be forgotten. + +Most merciful has been the way by which the Divine Master has ever +led me. He has never inspired me with any desire and left it +unsatisfied, and that is why I have always found His bitter +chalice full of sweetness. + +At the end of May, Marie, our eldest, was professed, and Therese, +the Benjamin, had the privilege of crowning her with roses on the +day of her mystical espousals. After this happy feast trials again +came upon us. Ever since his first attack of paralysis we realised +that my Father was very easily tired. During our journey to Rome I +often noticed that he seemed exhausted and in pain. But, above +all, I remarked his progress in the path of holiness; he had +succeeded in obtaining a complete mastery over the impetuosity of +his natural disposition, and earthly things were unable to ruffle +his calm. Let me give you an instance. + +During our pilgrimage we were in the train for days and nights +together, and to wile away the time our companions played cards, +and occasionally grew very noisy. One day they asked us to join +them, but we refused, saying we knew little about the game; we did +not find the time long--only too short, indeed, to enjoy the +beautiful views which opened before us. Presently their annoyance +became evident, and then dear Papa began quietly to defend us, +pointing out that as we were on pilgrimage, more of our time might +be given to prayer. + +One of the players, forgetting the respect due to age, called out +thoughtlessly: "Thank God, Pharisees are rare!" My Father did not +answer a word, he even seemed pleased; and later on he found an +opportunity of shaking hands with this man, and of speaking so +pleasantly that the latter must have thought his rude words had +either not been heard, or at least were forgotten. + +His habit of forgiveness did not date from this day; my Mother and +all who knew him bore witness that no uncharitable word ever +passed his lips. + +His faith and generosity were likewise equal to any trial. This is +how he announced my departure to one of his friends: "Therese, my +little Queen, entered the Carmel yesterday. God alone could ask +such a sacrifice; but He helps me so mightily that even in the +midst of tears my heart is overflowing with joy." + +This faithful servant must needs receive a reward worthy of his +virtues, and he himself claimed that reward. You remember the +interview when he said to us: "Children, I have just come back +from Alencon, and there, in the Church of Notre Dame, I received +such graces and consolations that I made this prayer: 'My God, it +is too much, yes, I am too happy; I shall not get to Heaven like +this, I wish to suffer something for Thee--and I offered myself as +a'"--the word _victim_ died on his lips. He dared not pronounce it +before us, but we understood. You know, dear Mother, the story of +our trial; I need not recall its sorrowful details. + +And now my clothing day drew near. Contrary to all expectations, +my Father had recovered from a second attack, and the Bishop fixed +the ceremony for January 10. The time of waiting had been long +indeed, but now what a beautiful feast! Nothing was wanting, not +even snow. + +Do you remember my telling you, dear Mother, how fond I am of +snow? While I was still quite small, its whiteness entranced me. +Why had I such a fancy for snow? Perhaps it was because, being a +little winter flower, my eyes first saw the earth clad in its +beautiful white mantle. So, on my clothing day, I wished to see it +decked, like myself, in spotless white. The weather was so mild +that it might have been spring, and I no longer dared hope for +snow. The morning of the feast brought no change and I gave up my +childish desire, as impossible to be realised. My Father came to +meet me at the enclosure door, his eyes full of tears, and +pressing me to his heart exclaimed: "Ah! Here is my little Queen!" +Then, giving me his arm, we made our solemn entry into the public +Chapel. This was his day of triumph, his last feast on earth; now +his sacrifice was complete, and his children belonged to God.[5] +Celine had already confided to him that later on she also wished +to leave the world for the Carmel. On hearing this he was beside +himself with joy: "Let us go before the Blessed Sacrament," he +said, "and thank God for all the graces He has granted us and the +honour He has paid me in choosing His Spouses from my household. +God has indeed done me great honour in asking for my children. If +I possessed anything better I would hasten to offer it to Him." +That something better was himself, "and God received him as a +victim of holocaust; He tried him as gold in the furnace, and +found him worthy of Himself."[6] + +After the ceremony in the Chapel I re-entered the Convent and the +Bishop intoned the _Te Deum._ One of the Priests observed to him +that this hymn of thanksgiving was only sung at professions, but, +once begun, it was continued to the end. Was it not right that +this feast should be complete, since in it all other joyful days +were reunited? + +The instant I set foot in the enclosure again my eyes fell on the +statue of the Child Jesus smiling on me amid the flowers and +lights; then, turning towards the quadrangle, I saw that, in spite +of the mildness of the weather, it was covered with snow. What a +delicate attention on the part of Jesus! Gratifying the least wish +of His little Spouse, He even sent her this. Where is the creature +so mighty that he can make one flake of it fall to please his +beloved? + +Everyone was amazed, and since then many people, hearing of my +desire, have described this event as "the little miracle" of my +clothing day, and thought it strange I should be so fond of snow. +So much the better, it shows still more the wonderful +condescension of the Spouse of Virgins--of Him Who loves lilies +white as the snow. After the ceremony the Bishop entered. He gave +me many proofs of his fatherly tenderness, and, in presence of all +the Priests, spoke of my visit to Bayeux and the journey to Rome; +nor did he forget to tell them how I had put up my hair before +visiting him. Then, laying his hand on my head, he blessed me +affectionately. My mind dwelt with ineffable sweetness on the +caresses Our Lord will soon lavish upon me before all the Saints, +and this consoling thought was a foretaste of Heaven. I have just +said that January 10 was a day of triumph for my dear Father. I +liken it to the feast of the entry of Christ into Jerusalem, on +Palm Sunday. As in the case of Our Divine Master, his day of +triumph was followed by long days of sorrow; and, even as the +agony of Jesus pierced the heart of His divine Mother, so our +hearts were deeply wounded by the humiliations and sufferings of +him, whom we loved best on earth. . . . I remember that in the +month of June 1888, when we were fearing another stroke of +paralysis, I surprised our Novice Mistress by saying: "I am +suffering a great deal, Mother, yet I feel I can suffer still +more." I did not then foresee the trial awaiting us. I did not +know that on February 12, one month after my clothing day, our +beloved Father would drink so deeply of such a bitter chalice. I +no longer said I could suffer more, words cannot express our +grief; nor shall I attempt to describe it here. + +In Heaven, we shall enjoy dwelling on these dark days of exile. +Yet the three years of my Father's martyrdom seem to me the +sweetest and most fruitful of our lives. I would not exchange them +for the most sublime ecstasies, and my heart cries out in +gratitude for such a priceless treasure: "We have rejoiced for the +days wherein Thou hast afflicted us."[7] Precious and sweet was +this bitter cross, and our hearts only breathed out sighs of +grateful love. We no longer walked--we ran, we flew along the path +of perfection. + +Leonie and Celine, though living in the world, were no longer of +the world. The letters they wrote were full of the most edifying +resignation. And what talks I had with Celine! Far from separating +us, the grating of the Carmel united us more closely: the same +thoughts, the same desires, the same love for Our Lord and for +souls, made our very life. Not a word concerning things of earth +entered into our conversation; but, just as in former days we +lifted longing eyes to Heaven, so now our hearts strained after +the joys beyond time and space, and, for the sake of an eternal +happiness, we chose to suffer and be despised here below. + +Though my suffering seemed to have reached its height, yet my +attraction thereto did not grow less, and soon my soul shared in +the trials my heart had to bear. My spiritual aridity increased, +and I found no comfort either in Heaven or on earth; yet, amid +these waters of tribulation that I had so thirsted for, I was the +happiest of mortals. + +Thus passed the time of my betrothal, too long a time for me. At +the end of the year you told me, dear Mother, that I must not yet +think of my profession, as our Ecclesiastical Superior expressly +forbade it. I had therefore to wait for eight months more. At +first I found it very difficult to be resigned to such a +sacrifice, but divine light penetrated my soul before long. + +At this time I was using for my meditations Surin's _Foundations +of the Spiritual life._ One day during prayer, it was brought home +to me that my too eager desire to take my vows was mingled with +much self-love; as I belonged to Our Lord and was His little +plaything to console and please Him, it was for me to do His Will, +not for Him to do mine. I also understood that a bride would not +be pleasing to the bridegroom on her wedding day were she not +magnificently attired. But, what had I made ready? So I said to +Our Lord: "I do not ask Thee to hasten the day of my profession, I +will wait as long as Thou pleasest, only I cannot bear that +through any fault of mine my union with Thee should be delayed; I +will set to work and carefully prepare a wedding-dress enriched +with diamonds and precious stones, and, when Thou findest it +sufficiently rich, I am sure that nothing will keep Thee from +accepting me as Thy Spouse." + +I took up the task with renewed zest. Since my clothing day I had +received abundant lights on religious perfection, chiefly +concerning the vow of poverty. Whilst I was a postulant I liked to +have nice things to use and to find everything needful ready to +hand. Jesus bore with me patiently, for He gives His light little +by little. At the beginning of my spiritual life, about the age of +fourteen, I used to ask myself how, in days to come, I should more +clearly understand the true meaning of perfection. I imagined I +then understood it completely, but I soon came to realise that the +more one advances along this path the farther one seems from the +goal, and now I am resigned to be always imperfect, and I even +find joy therein. + +To return to the lessons which Our Lord taught me. One evening +after Compline I searched in vain for our lamp on the shelves +where they are kept, and, as it was the time of the "Great +Silence," I could not recover it. I guessed rightly that a Sister, +believing it to be her own, had taken it; but just on that evening +I had counted much on doing some work, and was I to spend a whole +hour in the dark on account of this mistake? Without the interior +light of grace I should undoubtedly have pitied myself, but, with +that light, I felt happy instead of aggrieved, and reflected that +poverty consists in being deprived not only of what is convenient, +but of what is necessary. And, in this exterior darkness, I found +my soul illumined by a brightness that was divine. + +At this time I was seized with a craving for whatever was ugly and +inconvenient; and was thus quite pleased when a pretty little jug +was taken from our cell and a large chipped one put in its place. +I also tried hard not to make excuses, but I found this very +difficult, especially with our Mistress; from her I did not like +to hide anything. + +My first victory was not a great one, but it cost me a good deal. +A small jar, left behind a window, was found broken. No one knew +who had put it there, but our Mistress was displeased, and, +thinking I was to blame in leaving it about, told me I was very +untidy and must be more careful in future. Without answering, I +kissed the ground and promised to be more observant. I was so +little advanced in virtue that these small sacrifices cost me +dear, and I had to console myself with the thought that at the day +of Judgment all would be known. + +Above all I endeavoured to practise little hidden acts of virtue; +thus I took pleasure in folding the mantles forgotten by the +Sisters, and I sought for every possible occasion of helping them. +One of God's gifts was a great attraction towards penance, but I +was not permitted to satisfy it; the only mortification allowed me +consisted in mortifying my self-love, and this did me far more +good than bodily penance would have done. + +However, Our Lady helped me with my wedding-dress, and, as soon as +it was finished, every obstacle vanished and my profession was +fixed for September 8, 1890. + +All that I have set down in these few words would take many pages +to relate; but those pages will never be read on earth. . . . +______________________________ + +[1] Nuns, in the spirit of poverty, avoid using the word _my,_ as +denoting private possessions; so, later on, "our lamp," "our +handkerchief," will occur. [Ed.] + +[2] John 18:36. + +[3] _Imit.,_ I, ii. 3. + +[4] Is. 53:3. + +[5] Leonie, having entered an order too severe for her delicate +health, had been obliged to return home to her Father. Later she +became a Visitation nun at Caen, and took the name of Sister +Frances Teresa. + +[6] Cf. Wisdom 3:5,6. + +[7] Ps. 89[90]:15. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER VIII PROFESSION OF SOEUR THERESE + +Need I tell you, dear Mother, about the retreat before my +profession? Far from receiving consolation, I went through it in a +state of utter dryness and as if abandoned by God. Jesus, as was +His wont, slept in my little barque. How rarely do souls suffer +Him to sleep in peace! This Good Master is so wearied with +continually making fresh advances that He eagerly avails Himself +of the repose I offer Him, and, no doubt, He will sleep on until +my great and everlasting retreat; but, instead of being grieved at +this, I am glad. + +In truth I am no Saint, as this frame of mind well shows. I ought +not to rejoice in my dryness of soul, but rather attribute it to +my want of fervour and fidelity. That I fall asleep so often +during meditation, and thanksgiving after Communion, should +distress me. Well, I am not distressed. I reflect that little +children are equally dear to their parents whether they are asleep +or awake; that, in order to perform operations, doctors put their +patients to sleep; and finally that "The Lord knoweth our frame, +He remembereth that we are but dust."[1] Yet, apparently barren as +was my retreat--and those which followed have been no less so--I +unconsciously received many interior lights on the best means of +pleasing God, and practising virtue. I have often observed that +Our Lord will not give me any store of provisions, but nourishes +me each moment with food that is ever new; I find it within me +without knowing how it has come there. I simply believe that it is +Jesus Himself hidden in my poor heart, who is secretly at work, +inspiring me with what He wishes me to do as each occasion arises. + +Shortly before my profession I received the Holy Father's +blessing, through the hands of Brother Simeon; and this precious +Blessing undoubtedly helped me through the most terrible storm of +my whole life. + +On the eve of the great day, instead of being filled with the +customary sweetness, my vocation suddenly seemed to me as unreal +as a dream. The devil--for it was he--made me feel sure that I was +wholly unsuited for life in the Carmel, and that I was deceiving +my superiors by entering on a way to which I was not called. The +darkness was so bewildering that I understood but one thing--I had +no religious vocation, and must return to the world. I cannot +describe the agony I endured. What was I to do in such a +difficulty? I chose the right course, deciding to tell my Novice +Mistress of the temptation without delay. I sent for her to come +out of choir, and though full of confusion, I confessed the state +of my soul. Fortunately she saw more clearly than I did, and +reassured me completely by laughing frankly at my story. The devil +was put to instant flight by my humble avowal; what he wanted was +to keep me from speaking, and thus draw me into his snares. But it +was my turn now to ensnare him, for, to make my humiliation more +complete, I also told you everything, dear Mother, and your +consoling words dispelled my last fears. + +On the morning of September 8, a wave of peace flooded my soul, +and, in "that peace which surpasseth all understanding,"[2] I +pronounced my holy vows. + +Many were the graces I asked. I felt myself truly a queen and took +advantage of my title to obtain every favour from the King for His +ungrateful subjects. No one was forgotten. I wished that every +sinner on earth might be converted; that on that day Purgatory +should set its captives free; and I bore upon my heart this letter +containing what I desired for myself: + +"O Jesus, my Divine Spouse, grant that my baptismal robe may never +be sullied. Take me from this world rather than let me stain my +soul by committing the least wilful fault. May I never seek or +find aught but Thee alone! May all creatures be nothing to me and +I nothing to them! May no earthly thing disturb my peace! + +"O Jesus, I ask but Peace. . . . Peace, and above all, Love. . . . +Love--without limit. Jesus, I ask that for Thy sake I may die a +Martyr; give me martyrdom of soul or body. Or rather give me both +the one and the other. + +"Grant that I may fulfill my engagements in all their perfection; +that no one may think of me; that I may be trodden under foot, +forgotten, as a little grain of sand. I offer myself to Thee, O my +Beloved, that Thou mayest ever perfectly accomplish in me Thy Holy +Will, without let or hindrance from creatures." + +When at the close of this glorious day I laid my crown of roses, +according to custom, at Our Lady's feet, it was without regret. I +felt that time would never lessen my happiness. + +It was the Nativity of Mary. What a beautiful feast on which to +become the Spouse of Jesus! It was the _little_ new-born Holy +Virgin who presented her _little_ Flower to the _little_ Jesus. +That day everything was little except the graces I +received--except my peace and joy in gazing upon the beautiful +star-lit sky at night, and in thinking that soon I should fly away +to Heaven and be united to my Divine Spouse amid eternal bliss. + +On September 24 took place the ceremony of my receiving the veil. +This feast was indeed _veiled_ in tears. Papa was too ill to come +and bless his little Queen; at the last minute Mgr. Hugonin, who +should have presided, was unable to do so, and, for other reasons +also, the day was a painful one. And yet amid it all, my soul was +profoundly at peace. That day it pleased Our Lord that I should +not be able to restrain my tears, and those tears were not +understood. It is true I had borne far harder trials without +shedding a tear; but then I had been helped by special graces, +whilst on this day Jesus left me to myself, and I soon showed my +weakness. + +Eight days after I had taken the veil my cousin, Jeanne Guerin, +was married to Dr. La Neele. When she came to see us afterwards +and I heard of all the little attentions she lavished on her +husband, my heart thrilled and I thought: "It shall never be said +that a woman in the world does more for her husband than I do for +Jesus, my Beloved." And, filled with fresh ardour, I set myself +more earnestly than ever to please my Heavenly Spouse, the King of +Kings, Who had deigned to honour me by a divine alliance. + +Having seen the letter announcing the marriage, I amused myself by +composing the following invitation, which I read to the novices in +order to bring home to them what had struck me so forcibly--that +the glory of all earthly unions is as nothing compared to the +titles of a Spouse of Our Divine Lord. + +"God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Sovereign Ruler of the +Universe, and the Glorious Virgin Mary, Queen of the Heavenly +Court, announce to you the Spiritual Espousals of their August +Son, Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, with little Therese +Martin, now Princess and Lady of His Kingdoms of the Holy +Childhood and the Passion, assigned to her as a dowry, by her +Divine Spouse, from which Kingdoms she holds her titles of +nobility--_of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face._ It was not +possible to invite you to the Wedding Feast which took place on +the Mountain of Carmel, September 8, 1890--the Heavenly Court was +alone admitted--but you are requested to be present at the Wedding +Feast which will take place to-morrow, the day of Eternity, when +Jesus, the Son of God, will come in the clouds of Heaven, in the +splendour of His Majesty, to judge the living and the dead. + +"The hour being still uncertain, you are asked to hold yourselves +in readiness and watch."[3] + +And now, Mother, what more shall I say? It was through your hands +that I gave myself to Our Lord, and you have known me from +childhood--need I write my secrets? Forgive me if I cut short the +story of my religious life. + +During the general retreat following my profession I received +great graces. As a rule I find preached retreats most trying, but +this one was quite an exception. I anticipated so much suffering +that I prepared myself by a fervent novena. It was said that the +good Priest understood better how to convert sinners than to +direct the souls of nuns. Well then, I must be a great sinner, for +God made use of this holy religious to bring me much consolation. +At that time I had all kinds of interior trials which I found it +impossible to explain to anyone; suddenly, I was able to lay open +my whole soul. The Father understood me in a marvellous way; he +seemed to divine my state, and launched me full sail upon that +ocean of confidence and love in which I had longed to advance, but +so far had not dared. He told me that my faults did not pain the +Good God, and added: "At this moment I hold His place, and I +assure you from Him that He is well pleased with your soul." How +happy these consoling words made me! I had never been told before +that it was possible for faults not to pain the Sacred Heart; this +assurance filled me with joy and helped me to bear with patience +the exile of this life. It was also the echo of my inmost +thoughts. In truth I had long known that the Lord is more tender +than a mother, and I have sounded the depths of more than one +mother's heart. I know that a mother is ever ready to forgive her +child's small thoughtless faults. How often have I not had this +sweet experience! No reproach could have touched me more than one +single kiss from my Mother. My nature is such that fear makes me +shrink, while, under love's sweet rule, I not only advance--I fly. + +Two months after this happy retreat our Venerable Foundress, +Mother Genevieve of St. Teresa, quitted our little convent to +enter the Heavenly Carmel. Before speaking of my impressions at +the time of her death, I should like to tell you what a joy it was +to have lived for some years with a soul whose holiness was not +inimitable, but lay in the practice of simple and hidden virtues. +More than once she was to me a source of great consolation. + +One Sunday I went to the infirmary to pay her a visit, but, as two +of the older nuns were there, I was retiring quietly, when she +called me and said, with something of inspiration in her manner: +"Wait, my child, I have just a word for you; you are always asking +me for a spiritual bouquet, well, to-day I give you this one: +Serve the Lord in peace and in joy. Remember that Our God is the +God of peace." + +I thanked her quite simply and went out of the room. I was moved +almost to tears, and was convinced that God had revealed to her +the state of my soul. That day I had been sorely tried, almost to +sadness. Such was the darkness that I no longer knew if I were +beloved of God, and so, dear Mother, you can understand what light +and consolation succeeded this gloom. + +The following Sunday I asked her whether she had received any +revelation about me, but she assured me that she had not, and this +only made me admire her the more, for it showed how intimately +Jesus lived in her soul and directed her words and actions. Such +holiness seems to me the most true, the most holy; it is the +holiness I desire, for it is free from all illusion. + +On the day when this revered Mother ended her exile, I received a +very special grace. It was the first time I had assisted at a +death-bed, yet though the sight enchanted me by its beauty, my two +hours of watching had made me very drowsy. I was grieved at this, +but, at the moment her soul took its flight to Heaven, my feelings +were completely changed. In an instant I was filled with an +indescribable joy and fervour, as if the soul of our blessed +Foundress made me share in the happiness she already enjoyed--for +I am quite convinced she went straight to Heaven. I had said to +her some time previously: "You will not go to Purgatory, dear +Mother." "I hope not," she answered sweetly. Certainly God would +not disappoint a hope so full of humility; and the proof that He +did not, lies in the many favours we have received. + +The Sisters hastened to claim something belonging to our beloved +Mother, and you know what a precious relic is mine. During her +agony I had noticed a tear glistening like a beautiful diamond. +That tear, the last she shed on this earth, did not fall, I still +saw it shining when her body was exposed in the choir. When +evening came, I made bold to approach unseen, with a little piece +of linen, and I now have the happiness of possessing the last tear +of a Saint. + +I attach no importance to my dreams, and indeed, they seldom have +any special meaning, though I do often wonder how it is that, as I +think of God all the day, my mind does not dwell on Him more in my +sleep. Generally I dream of the woods and the flowers, the brooks +and the sea, and nearly always of pretty children; or I chase +birds and butterflies such as I have never seen. But, if my dreams +are sometimes poetical, they are never mystical. + +However, one night after Mother Genevieve's death, I had a more +consoling one. I thought I saw her giving to each of us something +that had belonged to herself. When my turn came, her hands were +empty, and I was afraid I was not to receive anything; but she +looked at me lovingly, and said three times: "To you I leave my +heart." + +About a month after that seraphic death, towards the close of the +year 1891, an epidemic of influenza raged in the Community; I only +had it slightly and was able to be about with two other Sisters. +It is impossible to imagine the heartrending state of our Carmel +throughout those days of sorrow. The worst sufferers were nursed +by those who could hardly drag themselves about; death was all +around us, and, when a Sister had breathed her last, we had to +leave her instantly. + +My nineteenth birthday was saddened by the death of Mother +Sub-Prioress; I assisted with the infirmarian during her agony, +and two more deaths quickly followed. I now had to do the Sacristy +work single-handed, and I wonder sometimes how I was equal to it +all. + +One morning, when it was time to rise, I had a presentiment that +Sister Magdalen was no more. The dormitory was quite in darkness, +no one was leaving her cell. I decided, however, to go in to +Sister Magdalen, and I found her dressed, but lying dead on her +bed. I was not in the least afraid, and running to the Sacristy I +quickly brought a blessed candle, and placed on her head a wreath +of roses. Amid all this desolation I felt the Hand of God and knew +that His Heart was watching over us. Our dear Sisters left this +life for a happier one without any struggle; an expression of +heavenly joy shone on their faces, and they seemed only to be +enjoying a pleasant sleep. During all these long and trying weeks +I had the unspeakable consolation of receiving Holy Communion +every day. How sweet it was! For a long time Jesus treated me as a +spoilt child, for a longer time than His more faithful Spouses. He +came to me daily for several months after the influenza had +ceased, a privilege not granted to the Community. I had not asked +this favour, but I was unspeakably happy to be united day after +day to my Beloved. + +Great was my joy in being allowed to touch the Sacred Vessels and +prepare the Altar linen on which Our Lord was to be laid. I felt +that I must increase in fervour, and I often recalled those words +addressed to deacons at their ordination: "Be you holy, you who +carry the Vessels of the Lord." + +What can I tell you, dear Mother, about my thanksgivings after +Communion? There is no time when I taste less consolation. But +this is what I should expect. I desire to receive Our Lord, not +for my own satisfaction, but simply to give Him pleasure. + +I picture my soul as a piece of waste ground and beg Our Blessed +Lady to take away my imperfections--which are as heaps of +rubbish--and to build upon it a splendid tabernacle worthy of +Heaven, and adorn it with her own adornments. Then I invite all +the Angels and Saints to come and sing canticles of love, and it +seems to me that Jesus is well pleased to see Himself received so +grandly, and I share in His joy. But all this does not prevent +distractions and drowsiness from troubling me, and not +unfrequently I resolve to continue my thanksgiving throughout the +day, since I made it so badly in choir. + +You see, dear Mother, that my way is not the way of fear; I can +always make myself happy, and profit by my imperfections, and Our +Lord Himself encourages me in this path. Once, contrary to my +usual custom, I felt troubled when I approached the Holy Table. +For several days there had not been a sufficient number of Hosts, +and I had only received a small part of one; this morning I +foolishly thought: "If the same thing happens to-day, I shall +imagine that Jesus does not care to come into my heart." I +approached the rails. What a joy awaited me! The Priest hesitated +a moment, then gave me two entire Hosts. Was this not a sweet +response? + +I have much to be thankful for. I will tell you quite openly what +the Lord has done for me. He has shown unto me the same mercy as +unto King Solomon. All my desires have been satisfied; not only my +desires of perfection, but even those of which I understood the +vanity, in theory, if not in practice. I had always looked on +Sister Agnes of Jesus as my model, and I wished to be like her in +everything. She used to paint exquisite miniatures and write +beautiful poems, and this inspired me with a desire to learn to +paint,[4] and express my thoughts in verse, that I might do some +good to those around me. But I would not ask for these natural +gifts, and my desire remained hidden in my heart. + +Jesus, too, had hidden Himself in this poor little heart, and He +was pleased to show me once more the vanity of all that passes. To +the great astonishment of the Community, I succeeded in painting +several pictures and in writing poems which have been a help to +certain souls. And just as Solomon, "turning to all the works +which his hand had wrought, and to the labours wherein he had +laboured in vain, saw in all things vanity and vexation of +mind,"[5] so experience showed me that the sole happiness of earth +consists in lying hidden, and remaining in total ignorance of +created things. I understood that without love even the most +brilliant deeds count for nothing. These gifts, which Our Lord +lavished upon me, far from doing me any harm, drew me towards Him; +I saw that He alone is unchangeable, He alone can fill the vast +abyss of my desires. + +Talking of my desires, I must tell you about others of quite a +different kind, which the Divine Master has also been pleased to +grant: childish desires, like the wish for snow on my clothing +day. You know, dear Mother, how fond I am of flowers. When I made +myself a prisoner at the age of fifteen, I gave up for ever the +delights of rambling through meadows bright with the treasures of +spring. Well, I never possessed so many flowers as I have had +since entering the Carmel. In the world young men present their +betrothed with beautiful bouquets, and Jesus did not forget me. +For His Altar I received, in abundance, all the flowers I loved +best: cornflowers, poppies, marguerites--one little friend only +was missing, the purple vetch. I longed to see it again, and at +last it came to gladden me and show that, in the least as in the +greatest, God gives a hundred-fold, even in this life, to those +who have left all for His Love. + +But one desire, the dearest of all, and for many reasons the most +difficult, remained unfulfilled. It was to see Celine enter the +Carmel of Lisieux. However, I had made a sacrifice of my longing, +and committed to God alone the future of my loved sister. I was +willing she should be sent to far distant lands if it must be so; +but I wanted above all things to see her like myself, the Spouse +of Jesus. I suffered deeply, aware that she was exposed in the +world to dangers I had never even known. My affection for her was +maternal rather than sisterly, and I was filled with solicitude +for the welfare of her soul. + +She was to go one evening with my aunt and cousins to a dance. I +know not why, but I felt more anxious than usual, and I shed many +tears, imploring Our Lord to hinder her dancing. And this was just +what happened; for He did not suffer His little Spouse to dance +that evening, although as a rule she did so most gracefully. And, +to the astonishment of everyone, her partner, too, found that he +was only able to walk gravely up and down with Mademoiselle. The +poor young man slipped away in confusion, and did not dare appear +again that evening. This unique occurrence increased my confidence +in Our Lord, and showed me clearly that He had already set His +seal on my sister's brow. + +On July 29, 1894, God called my saintly and much-tried Father to +Himself. For the last two years of his life he was completely +paralysed; so my uncle took him into his house and surrounded him +with the tenderest care. He became quite helpless and was only +able to visit us once during the whole course of his illness. It +was a sad interview. At the moment of parting, as we said +good-bye, he raised his eyes, and pointing upwards said in a voice +full of tears: "In Heaven!" + +Now that he was with God, the last ties which kept his consoling +Angel in the world were broken. Angels do not remain on this +earth; when they have accomplished their mission, they return +instantly to Heaven. That is why they have wings. Celine tried +therefore to fly to the Carmel; but the obstacles seemed +insurmountable. One day, when matters were going from bad to +worse, I said to Our Lord after Holy Communion: "Thou knowest, +dear Jesus, how earnestly I have desired that the trials my Father +endured should serve as his purgatory. I long to know if my wish +is granted. I do not ask Thee to speak to me, I only want a sign. +Thou knowest how much opposed is Sister N. to Celine's entering; +if she withdraw her opposition, I shall regard it as an answer +from Thee, and in this way I shall know that my Father went +straight to Heaven." + +God, Who holds in His Hand the hearts of His creatures, and +inclines them as He will, deigned in His infinite mercy and +ineffable condescension to change that Sister's mind. She was the +first person I met after my thanksgiving, and, with tears in her +eyes, she spoke of Celine's entrance, which she now ardently +desired. Shortly afterwards the Bishop set every obstacle aside, +and then you were able, dear Mother, without any hesitation, to +open our doors to the poor little exile.[6] + +Now I have no desire left, unless it be to love Jesus even unto +folly! It is Love alone that draws me. I no longer wish either for +suffering or death, yet both are precious to me. Long did I call +upon them as the messengers of joy. I have suffered much, and I +have thought my barque near indeed to the Everlasting Shore. From +earliest childhood I have imagined that the Little Flower would be +gathered in its springtime; now, the spirit of self-abandonment +alone is my guide. I have no other compass, and know not how to +ask anything with eagerness, save the perfect accomplishment of +God's designs upon my soul. I can say these words of the Canticle +of our Father, St. John of the Cross: + +"I drank deep in the cellar of my Friend, And, coming forth again, +Knew naught of all this plain, And lost the flock I erst was wont +to tend. My soul and all its wealth I gave to be His Own; No more +I tend my flock, all other work is done, And all my exercise is +Love alone."[7] + +Or rather: + +"Love hath so wrought in me Since I have known its sway, That all +within me, whether good or ill, It makes subservient to the end it +seeks, And soon transforms my soul into itself."[8] + +Full sweet is the way of Love. It is true one may fall and be +unfaithful to grace; but Love, knowing how to profit by +everything, quickly consumes whatever is displeasing to Jesus, +leaving in the heart only a deep and humble peace. I have obtained +many spiritual lights through the works of St. John of the Cross. +When I was seventeen and eighteen they were my only food; but, +later on, and even now, all spiritual authors leave me cold and +dry. However beautiful and touching a book may be, my heart does +not respond, and I read without understanding, or, if I +understand, I cannot meditate. In my helplessness the Holy +Scriptures and the _Imitation_ are of the greatest assistance; in +them I find a hidden manna, genuine and pure. But it is from the +Gospels that I find most help in the time of prayer; from them I +draw all that I need for my poor soul. I am always discovering in +them new lights and hidden mysterious meanings. I know and I have +experienced that "the Kingdom of God is within us."[9] Our Lord +has no need of books or teachers to instruct our souls. He, the +Teacher of Teachers, instructs us without any noise of words. I +have never heard Him speak, yet I know He is within me. He is +there, always guiding and inspiring me; and just when I need them, +lights, hitherto unseen, break in. This is not as a rule during my +prayers, but in the midst of my daily duties. Sometimes, however, +as this evening, at the close of a meditation spent in utter +dryness, a word of comfort is given to me: "Here is the Master I +give thee, He will teach thee all that thou shouldst do. I wish +thee to read in the Book of Life in which is contained the science +of love. . . ."[10] + +The Science of Love! How sweetly do these words echo in my soul! +That science alone do I desire. Having given all my substance for +it, like the Spouse in the Canticles, "I think that I have given +nothing."[11] After so many graces, may I not sing with the +Psalmist that "the Lord is good, that His Mercy endureth for +ever"?[12] + +It seems to me that if everyone were to receive such favours God +would be feared by none, but loved to excess; that no one would +ever commit the least wilful fault--and this through love, not +fear. + +Yet all souls cannot be alike. It is necessary that they should +differ from one another in order that each Divine Perfection may +receive its special honour. To me, He has given His Infinite +Mercy, and it is in this ineffable mirror that I contemplate his +other attributes. Therein all appear to me radiant with Love. His +Justice, even more perhaps than the rest, seems to me to be +clothed with Love. What joy to think that Our Lord is just, that +is to say, that He takes our weakness into account, that He knows +perfectly the frailty of our nature! Of what, then, need I be +afraid? + +Will not the God of Infinite Justice, Who deigns so lovingly to +pardon the sins of the Prodigal Son, be also just to me "who am +always with Him"?[13] + +In the year 1895 I received the grace to understand, more than +ever, how much Jesus desires to be loved. Thinking one day of +those who offer themselves as victims to the Justice of God, in +order to turn aside the punishment reserved for sinners by taking +it upon themselves, I felt this offering to be noble and generous, +but was very far from feeling myself drawn to make it. "O my +Divine Master," I cried from the bottom of my heart, "shall Thy +Justice alone receive victims of holocaust? Has not Thy Merciful +Love also need thereof? On all sides it is ignored, rejected . . . +the hearts on which Thou wouldst lavish it turn to creatures, +there to seek their happiness in the miserable satisfaction of a +moment, instead of casting themselves into Thine Arms, into the +unfathomable furnace of Thine Infinite Love. + +"O my God! must Thy Love which is disdained lie hidden in Thy +Heart? Methinks, if Thou shouldst find souls offering themselves +as victims of holocaust to Thy Love, Thou wouldst consume them +rapidly; Thou wouldst be well pleased to suffer the flames of +infinite tenderness to escape that are imprisoned in Thy Heart. + +"If Thy Justice--which is of earth--must needs be satisfied, how +much more must Thy Merciful Love desire to inflame souls, since +_"Thy mercy reacheth even to the Heavens"_?[14] O Jesus! Let me be +that happy victim--consume Thy holocaust with the Fire of Divine +Love!" + +Dear Mother, you know the love, or rather the oceans of grace +which flooded my soul immediately after I made that Act of +Oblation on June 9, 1895. From that day I have been penetrated and +surrounded with love. Every moment this Merciful Love renews me +and purifies me, leaving in my soul no trace of sin. I cannot fear +Purgatory; I know I do not merit to enter, even, into that place +of expiation with the Holy Souls, but I also know that the fire of +Love is more sanctifying than the fire of Purgatory. I know that +Jesus could not wish useless suffering for us, and He would not +inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfill +them. +______________________________ + +[1] Psalm 102[103]:14. + +[2] Phil. 4:7. + +[3] This letter, the style of which may seem strange to English +ears, is modelled closely on the formal and quaint letters whereby +French parents of the better class announce to their friends the +marriage of their children. Such letters of _"faire-part"_ are +issued in the name of relatives to the third or fourth degree. +[Ed.] + +[4] Therese had kept this wish hidden in her heart from the days +of her childhood, and later in life she made the following +confidence: "I was ten the day Papa told Celine that she was to +begin painting lessons. I felt quite envious. Then he turned to me +and said: 'Well, little Queen, would you like to learn painting +too?' I was going to say: 'Yes, indeed I should,' when Marie +remarked that I had not the same taste for it as Celine. She +carried her point, and I said nothing, thinking it was a splendid +opportunity to make a big sacrifice for Our Lord; I was so anxious +to learn, that even now I wonder how I was able to keep silence." + +[5] Eccl. 2:11. + +[6] Celine entered the Convent on September 14, 1894, and took the +name of Sister Genevieve of St. Teresa. + +[7] Spiritual Canticle: Stanzas 18 and 20. + +[8] Hymn to the Deity. + +[9] Luke 17:21. + +[10] Revelation of Our Lord to Bd. Margaret Mary. + +[11] Cant. 8:7. + +[12] Psalm 103[104]:1. + +[13] Luke 15:31. + +[14] Cf. Psalm 35[36]:6. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER IX +THE NIGHT OF THE SOUL + +Dear Mother, I thought I had written enough, and now you wish for +more details of my religious life. I will not argue, but I cannot +help smiling when I have to tell you things that you know quite as +well as I do. Nevertheless, I will obey. I do not ask what use +this manuscript can be to any one, I assure you that even were you +to burn it before my eyes, without having read it, I should not +mind in the least. + +The opinion is not uncommon in the Community that you have always +indulged me, ever since I entered the Convent; however, "Man seeth +those things that appear, but the Lord beholdeth the heart."[1] +Dear Mother, once again I thank you for not having spared me. +Jesus knew well that His Little Flower needed the life-giving +water of humiliation--it was too weak to take root otherwise, and +to you it owes so great a blessing. But for some months, the +Divine Master has entirely changed His method of cultivating His +Little Flower. Finding no doubt that it has been sufficiently +watered, He now allows it to expand under the warm rays of a +brilliant sun. He smiles on it, and this favour also comes through +you, dear Mother, but far from doing it harm, those smiles make +the Little Flower grow in a wondrous way. Deep down in its heart +it treasures those precious drops of dew--the mortifications of +other days--and they remind it that it is small and frail. Even +were all creatures to draw near to admire and flatter it, that +would not add a shade of idle satisfaction to the true joy which +thrills it, on realising that in God's Eyes it is but a poor, +worthless thing, and nothing more. + +When I say that I am indifferent to praise, I am not speaking, +dear Mother, of the love and confidence you show me; on the +contrary I am deeply touched thereby, but I feel that I have now +nothing to fear, and I can listen to those praises unperturbed, +attributing to God all that is good in me. If it please Him to +make me appear better than I am, it is nothing to me, He can act +as He will. My God, how many ways dost Thou lead souls! We read of +Saints who left absolutely nothing at their death, not the least +thing by which to remember them, not even a single line of +writing; and there are others like our holy Mother, St. Teresa, +who have enriched the Church with their sublime teaching, and have +not hesitated to reveal "the secrets of the King,"[2] that He may +be better known and better loved. + +Which of these two ways is more pleasing to Our Lord? It seems to +me that they are equally so. + +All those beloved by God have followed the inspiration of the Holy +Ghost, who commanded the prophets to write: "Tell the just man +that all is well."[3] Yes, all is well when one seeks only the +Master's Will, and so I, poor Little Flower, obey my Jesus when I +try to please you, who represent him here on earth. + +You know it has ever been my desire to become a Saint, but I have +always felt, in comparing myself with the Saints, that I am as far +removed from them as the grain of sand, which the passer-by +tramples underfoot, is remote from the mountain whose summit is +lost in the clouds. + +Instead of being discouraged, I concluded that God would not +inspire desires which could not be realised, and that I may aspire +to sanctity in spite of my littleness. For me to become great is +impossible. I must bear with myself and my many imperfections; but +I will seek out a means of getting to Heaven by a little way--very +short and very straight, a little way that is wholly new. We live +in an age of inventions; nowadays the rich need not trouble to +climb the stairs, they have lifts instead. Well, I mean to try and +find a lift by which I may be raised unto God, for I am too tiny +to climb the steep stairway of perfection. I have sought to find +in Holy Scripture some suggestion as to what this lift might be +which I so much desired, and I read these words uttered by the +Eternal Wisdom Itself: "Whosoever is a little one, let him come to +Me."[4] Then I drew near to God, feeling sure that I had +discovered what I sought; but wishing to know further what He +would do to the little one, I continued my search and this is what +I found: "You shall be carried at the breasts and upon the knees; +as one whom the mother caresseth, so will I comfort you."[5] + +Never have I been consoled by words more tender and sweet. Thine +Arms, then, O Jesus, are the lift which must raise me up even unto +Heaven. To get there I need not grow; on the contrary, I must +remain little, I must become still less. O my God, thou hast gone +beyond my expectation, and I . . . "I will sing Thy mercies! Thou +hast taught me, O Lord, from my youth and till now I have declared +Thy wonderful works, and thus unto old age and grey hairs."[6] + +What will this old age be for me? It seems to me that it could as +well be now as later: two thousand years are no more in the Eyes +of the Lord than twenty years . . . than a single day! But do not +think, dear Mother, that your child is anxious to leave you, and +deems it a greater grace to die in the morning rather than in the +evening of life; to please Jesus is what [s]he really values and +desires above all things. Now that He seems to come near and draw +her to His Heavenly Home, she is glad; she has understood that God +has need of no one to do good upon earth, still less of her than +of others. Meantime I know your will, dear Mother. You wish me to +carry out, at your side, a work which is both sweet and easy,[7] +and this work I shall complete in Heaven. You have said to me, as +Our Lord said to St. Peter: "Feed my lambs." I am amazed, for I +feel that I am so little. I have entreated you to feed your little +lambs yourself and to keep me among them. You have complied in +part with my reasonable wish, and have called me their companion, +rather than their mistress, telling me nevertheless to lead them +through fertile and shady pastures, to point out where the grass +is sweetest and best, and warn them against the brilliant but +poisonous flowers, which they must never touch except to crush +under foot. + +How is it, dear Mother, that my youth and inexperience have not +frightened you? Are you not afraid that I shall let your lambs +stray afar? In acting as you have done, perhaps you remembered +that Our Lord is often pleased to give wisdom to little ones. + +On this earth it is rare indeed to find souls who do not measure +God's Omnipotence by their own narrow thoughts. The world is +always ready to admit exceptions everywhere here below. God alone +is denied this liberty. It has long been the custom among men to +reckon experience by age, for in his youth the holy King David +sang to His Lord: "I am young and despised,"[8] but in the same +Psalm he does not fear to say: "I have had understanding above old +men, because I have sought Thy commandments, Thy word is a lamp to +my feet, and a light to my paths; I have sworn, and I am +determined, to keep the judgments of Thy Justice."[9] + +And you did not even consider it imprudent to assure me one day, +that the Divine Master had enlightened my soul and given me the +experience of years. I am too little now to be guilty of vanity; I +am likewise too little to endeavour to prove my humility by +fine-sounding words. I prefer to own in all simplicity that "He +that is mighty hath done great things to me"--[10] and the +greatest is that He has shown me my littleness and how incapable I +am of anything good. + +My soul has known trials of many kinds. I have suffered much on +this earth. In my childhood I suffered with sadness, but now I +find sweetness in all things. Anyone but you, dear Mother, who +know me thoroughly, would smile at reading these pages, for has +ever a soul seemed less tried than mine? But if the martyrdom +which I have endured for the past year were made known, how +astonished everyone would be! Since it is your wish I will try to +describe it, but there are no words really to explain these +things. The words will always fall short of the reality. + +During Lent last year I felt much better than ever and continued +so until Holy Week, in spite of the fast which I observed in all +its rigour. But in the early hours of Good Friday, Jesus gave me +to hope that I should soon join Him in His beautiful Home. How +sweet is this memory! + +I could not obtain permission to remain watching at the Altar of +Repose throughout the Thursday night, and I returned to our cell +at midnight. Scarcely was my head laid on the pillow when I felt a +hot stream rise to my lips. I thought I was going to die, and my +heart nearly broke with joy. But as I had already put out our +lamp, I mortified my curiosity until the morning and slept in +peace. At five o'clock, when it was time to get up, I remembered +at once that I had some good news to learn, and going to the +window I found, as I had expected, that our handkerchief was +soaked with blood. Dearest Mother, what hope was mine! I was +firmly convinced that on this anniversary of His Death, my Beloved +had allowed me to hear His first call, like a sweet, distant +murmur, heralding His joyful approach. + +I assisted at Prime and Chapter most fervently, and then I +hastened to cast myself at my Mother's knees and confide to her my +happiness. I did not feel the least pain, so I easily obtained +permission to finish Lent as I had begun, and on this Good Friday +I shared in all the austerities of the Carmel without any +relaxation. Never had these austerities seemed sweeter to me; the +hope of soon entering Heaven transported me with joy. + +Still full of joy, I returned to our cell on the evening of that +happy day, and was quietly falling asleep, when my sweet Jesus +gave me the same sign as on the previous night, of my speedy +entrance to Eternal Life. I felt such a clear and lively Faith +that the thought of Heaven was my sole delight. I could not +believe it possible for men to be utterly devoid of Faith, and I +was convinced that those who deny the existence of another world +really lie in their hearts. + +But during the Paschal days, so full of light, our Lord made me +understand that there really are in truth souls bereft of Faith +and Hope, who, through abuse of grace, lose these precious +treasures, the only source of pure and lasting joy. He allowed my +soul to be overwhelmed with darkness, and the thought of Heaven, +which had consoled me from my earliest childhood, now became a +subject of conflict and torture. This trial did not last merely +for days or weeks; I have been suffering for months, and I still +await deliverance. I wish I could express what I feel, but it is +beyond me. One must have passed through this dark tunnel to +understand its blackness. However, I will try to explain it by +means of a comparison. + +Let me suppose that I had been born in a land of thick fogs, and +had never seen the beauties of nature, or a single ray of +sunshine, although I had heard of these wonders from my early +youth, and knew that the country wherein I dwelt was not my real +home--there was another land, unto which I should always look +forward. Now this is not a fable, invented by an inhabitant of the +land of fogs, it is the solemn truth, for the King of that sunlit +country dwelt for three and thirty years in the land of darkness, +and alas!--the darkness did not understand that He was the Light +of the World._[11] + +But, dear Lord, Thy child has understood Thou art the Light +Divine; she asks Thy pardon for her unbelieving brethren, and is +willing to eat the bread of sorrow as long as Thou mayest wish. +For love of Thee she will sit at that table of bitterness where +these poor sinners take their food, and she will not stir from it +until Thou givest the sign. But may she not say in her own name, +and the name of her guilty brethren: "O God, be merciful to us +sinners!"[12] Send us away justified. May all those on whom Faith +does not shine see the light at last! O my God, if that table +which they profane can be purified by one that loves Thee, I am +willing to remain there alone to eat the bread of tears, until it +shall please Thee to bring me to Thy Kingdom of Light: the only +favour I ask is, that I may never give Thee cause for offence. + +From the time of my childhood I felt that one day I should be set +free from this land of darkness. I believed it, not only because I +had been told so by others, but my heart's most secret and deepest +longings assured me that there was in store for me another and +more beautiful country--an abiding dwelling-place. I was like +Christopher Columbus, whose genius anticipated the discovery of +the New World. And suddenly the mists about me have penetrated my +very soul and have enveloped me so completely that I cannot even +picture to myself this promised country . . . all has faded away. +When my heart, weary of the surrounding darkness, tries to find +some rest in the thought of a life to come, my anguish increases. +It seems to me that out of the darkness I hear the mocking voice +of the unbeliever: "You dream of a land of light and fragrance, +you dream that the Creator of these wonders will be yours for +ever, you think one day to escape from these mists where you now +languish. Nay, rejoice in death, which will give you, not what you +hope for, but a night darker still, the night of utter +nothingness!" . . . + +Dear Mother, this description of what I suffer is as far removed +from reality as the first rough outline is from the model, but I +fear that to write more were to blaspheme . . . even now I may +have said too much. May God forgive me! He knows that I try to +live by Faith, though it does not afford me the least consolation. +I have made more acts of Faith in this last year than during all +the rest of my life. + +Each time that my enemy would provoke me to combat, I behave as a +gallant soldier. I know that a duel is an act of cowardice, and +so, without once looking him in the face, I turn my back on the +foe, then I hasten to my Saviour, and vow that I am ready to shed +my blood in witness of my belief in Heaven. I tell him, if only He +will deign to open it to poor unbelievers, I am content to +sacrifice all pleasure in the thought of it as long as I live. And +in spite of this trial, which robs me of all comfort, I still can +say: "Thou hast given me, O Lord, delight in all Thou dost."[13] +For what joy can be greater than to suffer for Thy Love? The more +the suffering is and the less it appears before men, the more is +it to Thy Honour and Glory. Even if--but I know it to be +impossible--Thou shouldst not deign to heed my sufferings, I +should still be happy to bear them, in the hope that by my tears I +might perhaps prevent or atone for one sin against Faith. + +No doubt, dear Mother, you will think I exaggerate somewhat _the +night of my soul._ If you judge by the poems I have composed this +year, it must seem as though I have been flooded with +consolations, like a child for whom the veil of Faith is almost +rent asunder. And yet it is not a veil--it is a wall which rises +to the very heavens and shuts out the starry sky. + +When I sing of the happiness of Heaven and the eternal possession +of God, I do not feel any joy therein, for I sing only of what I +wish to believe. Sometimes, I confess, a little ray of sunshine +illumines my dark night, and I enjoy peace for an instant, but +later, the remembrance of this ray of light, instead of consoling +me, makes the blackness thicker still. + +And yet never have I felt so deeply how sweet and merciful is the +Lord. He did not send me this heavy cross when it might have +discouraged me, but at a time when I was able to bear it. Now it +simply takes from me all natural satisfaction I might feel in my +longing for Heaven. + +Dear Mother, it seems to me that at present there is nothing to +impede my upward flight, for I have no longer any desire save to +love Him till I die. I am free; I fear nothing now, not even what +I dreaded more than anything else, a long illness which would make +me a burden to the Community. Should it please the Good God, I am +quite content to have my bodily and mental sufferings prolonged +for years. I do not fear a long life; I do not shrink from the +struggle. The Lord is the rock upon which I stand--"Who teacheth +my hands to fight, and my fingers to war. He is my Protector and I +have hoped in Him."[14] I have never asked God to let me die +young, It is true I have always thought I should do so, but it is +a favour I have not tried to obtain. + +Our Lord is often content with the wish to do something for His +Glory, and you know the immensity of my desires. You know also +that Jesus has offered me more than one bitter chalice through my +dearly loved sisters. The holy King David was right when he sang: +"Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell +together in unity."[15] But such unity can only exist upon earth +in the midst of sacrifice. It was not in order to be with my +sisters that I came to this holy Carmel; on the contrary, I knew +well that in curbing my natural affection I should have much to +suffer. + +How can it be said that it is more perfect to separate oneself +from home and friends? Has anyone ever reproached brothers who +fight side by side, or together win the martyr's palm? It is true, +no doubt, they encourage each other; but it is also true that the +martyrdom of each is a martyrdom to them all. + +And so it is in the religious life; theologians call it a +martyrdom. A heart given to God loses nothing of its natural +affection--on the contrary, this affection grows stronger by +becoming purer and more spiritual. It is with this love, dear +Mother, that I love you and my sisters. I am glad to fight beside +you for the glory of the King of Heaven, but I am ready to go to +another battlefield, did the Divine Commander but express a wish. +An order would not be necessary: a simple look, a sign, would +suffice. + +Ever since I came to the Carmel I have thought that if Our Lord +did not take me quickly to Heaven, my lot would be that of Noe's +dove, and that one day he would open the window of the Ark and bid +me fly to heathen lands, bearing the olive branch. This thought +has helped me to soar above all created things. + +Knowing that even in the Carmel there must be partings, I tried to +make my abode in Heaven; and I accepted not only exile in the +midst of an unknown people, but what was far more bitter, I +accepted exile for my sisters. And indeed, two of them were asked +for by the Carmel of Saigon, our own foundation. For a time there +was serious question of their being sent, and I would not say a +word to hold them back, though my heart ached at the thought of +the trials awaiting them. Now all that is at an end; the superiors +were absolutely opposed to their departure, and I only touched the +cup with my lips long enough to taste of its bitterness. + +Let me tell you, dear Mother, why, if Our Lady cures me, I wish to +respond to the call from our Mothers of Hanoi. It appears that to +live in foreign Carmels, a very special vocation is needed, and +many souls think they are called without being so in reality. You +have told me that I have this vocation, and that my health alone +stands in the way. But if I am destined one day to leave this +Carmel, it will not be without a pang. My heart is naturally +sensitive, and because this is a cause of much suffering, I wish +to offer Jesus whatsoever it can bear. Here, I am loved by you and +all the Sisters, and this love is very sweet to me, and I dream of +a convent where I should be unknown, where I should taste the +bitterness of exile. I know only too well how useless I am, and so +it is not for the sake of the services I might render to the +Carmel of Hanoi that I would leave all that is dearest to me--my +sole reason would be to do God's Will, and sacrifice myself for +Him. + +And I should not suffer any disappointment, for when we expect +nothing but suffering, then the least joy is a surprise; and later +on suffering itself becomes the greatest of all joys, when we seek +it as a precious treasure. + +But I know I shall never recover from this sickness, and yet I am +at peace. For years I have not belonged to myself, I have +surrendered myself wholly to Jesus, and He is free to do with me +whatsoever He pleases. He has spoken to me of exile, and has asked +me if I would consent to drink of that chalice. At once I essayed +to grasp it, but He, withdrawing His Hand, showed me that my +consent was all He desired. + +O my God! from how much disquiet do we free ourselves by the vow +of obedience! Happy is the simple religious. Her one guide being +the will of her superiors, she is ever sure of following the right +path, and has no fear of being mistaken, even when it seems that +her superiors are making a mistake. But if she ceases to consult +the unerring compass, then at once her soul goes astray in barren +wastes, where the waters of grace quickly fail. Dear Mother, you +are the compass Jesus has given me to direct me safely to the +Eternal Shore. I find it most sweet to fix my eyes upon you, and +then do the Will of my Lord. By allowing me to suffer these +temptations against Faith, He has greatly increased the spirit of +Faith, which makes me see Him living in your soul, and through you +communicating His holy commands. + +I am well aware that you lighten the burden of obedience for me, +but deep in my heart I feel that my attitude would not change, nor +would my filial affection grow less, were you to treat me with +severity: and this because I should still see the Will of God +manifesting itself in another way for the greater good of my soul. + +Among the numberless graces that I have received this year, not +the least is an understanding of how far-reaching is the precept +of charity. I had never before fathomed these words of Our Lord: +"The second commandment is like to the first: Thou shalt love thy +neighbour as thyself."[16] I had set myself above all to love God, +and it was in loving Him that I discovered the hidden meaning of +these other words: "It is not those who say, Lord, Lord! who enter +into the Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the Will of My +Father."[17] + +Jesus revealed me this Will when at the Last Supper He gave His +New Commandment in telling His Apostles to _love one another as He +had loved them._[18] I set myself to find out how He had loved His +Apostles; and I saw that it was not for their natural qualities, +for they were ignorant men, full of earthly ideas. And yet He +calls them His Friends, His Brethren; He desires to see them near +Him in the Kingdom of His Father, and in order to admit them to +this Kingdom He wills to die on the Cross, saying: "Greater love +than this no man hath, that a man lay down his life for his +friends."[19] + +As I meditated on these Divine words, I saw how imperfect was the +love I bore my Sisters in religion. I understood that I did not +love them as Our Lord loves them. I know now that true charity +consists in bearing all our neighbours' defects--not being +surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest +virtues. Above all I know that charity must not remain shut up in +the heart, for "No man lighteth a candle, and putteth it in a +hidden place, nor under a bushel; but upon a candlestick, that +they who come in may see the light."[20] + +It seems to me, dear Mother, this candle represents that charity +which enlightens and gladdens, not only those who are dear to us, +but all _those who are of the household._ + +In the Old Law, when God told His people to love their neighbour +as themselves, He had not yet come down upon earth; and knowing +full well how man loves himself, He could not ask anything +greater. But when Our Lord gave His Apostles a New +Commandment--"His own commandment"[21]--He was not content with +saying: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself," but would have +them love even as He had loved, and as He will love till the end +of time. + +O my Jesus! Thou does never ask what is impossible; Thou knowest +better than I, how frail and imperfect I am, and Thou knowest that +I shall never love my Sisters as Thou hast loved them, unless +within me Thou lovest them, dear Lord! It is because Thou dost +desire to grant me this grace that Thou hast given a New +Commandment. Oh how I love it, since I am assured thereby that it +is Thy Will to love in me all those Thou dost bid me love! + +Yes, I know when I show charity to others, it is simply Jesus +acting in me, and the more closely I am united to Him, the more +dearly I love my Sisters. If I wish to increase this love in my +heart, and the devil tries to bring before me the defects of a +Sister, I hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives; I call +to mind that though I may have seen her fall once, no doubt she +has gained many victories over herself, which in her humility she +conceals. It is even possible that what seems to me a fault, may +very likely, on account of her good intention, be an act of +virtue. I have no difficulty in persuading myself of this, because +I have had the same experience. One day, during recreation, the +portress came to ask for a Sister to help her. I had a childish +longing to do this work, and it happened the choice fell upon me. +I therefore began to fold up our needlework, but so slowly that my +neighbour, who I knew would like to take my place, was ready +before me. The Sister who had asked for help, seeing how +deliberate I was, said laughingly: "I thought you would not add +this pearl to your crown, you are so extremely slow," and all the +Community thought I had yielded to natural reluctance. I cannot +tell you what profit I derived from this incident, and it made me +indulgent towards others. It still checks any feelings of vanity, +when I am praised, for I reflect that since my small acts of +virtue can be mistaken for imperfections, why should not my +imperfections be mistaken for virtue? And I say with St. Paul: "To +me it is a very small thing to be judged by you, or by man's day. +But neither do I judge myself. He that judgeth me is the Lord."[22] + +And it is the Lord, it is Jesus, Who is my judge. Therefore I will +try always to think leniently of others, that He may judge me +leniently, or rather not at all, since He says: "Judge not, and ye +shall not be judged."[23] + +But returning to the Holy Gospel where Our Lord explains to me +clearly in what His New Commandment consists, I read in St. +Matthew: "You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love +thy neighbour, and hate thy enemy: but I say unto you, Love your +enemies, and pray for them that persecute you."[24] + +There are, of course, no enemies in the Carmel; but, after all, we +have our natural likes and dislikes. We may feel drawn towards one +Sister, and may be tempted to go a long way round to avoid meeting +another. Well, Our Lord tells me that this is the Sister to love +and pray for, even though her behaviour may make me imagine she +does not care for me. "If you love them that love you, what thanks +are to you? For sinners also love those that love them."[25] And +it is not enough to love, we must prove our love; naturally one +likes to please a friend, but that is not charity, for sinners do +the same. + +Our Lord also taught me: "Give to everyone that asketh thee; and +of him that taketh away thy goods, ask them not again."[26] To +give to everyone who asks is not so pleasant as to give of one's +own accord. If we are asked pleasantly, it is easy to give; but if +we are asked discourteously, then, unless we are perfect in +charity, there is an inward rebellion, and we find no end of +excuses for refusing. Perhaps, after first pointing out the +rudeness of the request, we make such a favour of consenting +thereto, that the slight service takes far less time to perform +than was lost in arguing the point. And if it is difficult to give +to whosoever asks, it is far more difficult to let what belongs to +us be taken without asking it again. Dear Mother, I say this is +hard, but I should rather say that it seems hard, for "The yoke of +the Lord is sweet and His burden light."[27] And when we submit to +that yoke, we at once feel its sweetness. + +I have said Jesus does not wish me to ask again for what is my +own. This ought to seem quite easy, for, in reality, nothing is +mine. I ought, then, to be glad when an occasion arises which +brings home to me the poverty to which I am vowed. I used to think +myself completely detached, but since Our Lord's words have become +clear, I see that I am indeed very imperfect. + +For instance: when starting to paint, if I find the brushes in +disorder, and a ruler or penknife gone, I feel inclined to lose +patience, and have to keep a firm hold over myself not to betray +my feelings. Of course I may ask for these needful things, and if +I do so humbly I am not disobeying Our Lord's command. I am then +like the poor who hold out their hands for the necessaries of +life, and, if refused, are not surprised, since no one owes them +anything. Deep peace inundates the soul when it soars above mere +natural sentiments. There is no joy equal to that which is shared +by the truly poor in spirit. If they ask with detachment for +something necessary, and not only is it refused, but an attempt is +made to take away what they already possess, they are following +the Master's advice: "If any man will take away thy coat, let him +have thy cloak also."[28] To give up one's cloak is, it seems to +me, to renounce every right, and to regard oneself as the servant, +the slave, of all. Without a cloak it is easier to walk or run, +and so the Master adds: "And whosoever shall force thee to go one +mile, go with him other two."[29] + +It is therefore not enough for me to give to whoever asks--I ought +to anticipate the wish, and show myself glad to be of service; but +if anything of mine be taken away, I should show myself glad to be +rid of it. I cannot always carry out to the letter the words of +the Gospel, for there are occasions when I am compelled to refuse +some request. Yet when charity is deeply rooted in the soul it +lets itself be outwardly seen, and there is a way of refusing so +graciously what one is unable to give, that the refusal affords as +much pleasure as the gift would have done. It is true that people +do not hesitate to ask from those who readily oblige, nevertheless +I ought not to avoid importunate Sisters on the pretext that I +shall be forced to refuse. The Divine Master has said: "From him +that would borrow of thee turn not away."[30] Nor should I be kind +in order to appear so, or in the hope that the Sister will return +the service, for once more it is written: "If you lend to them of +whom you hope to receive, what thanks are to you? For sinners also +lend to sinners for to receive as much. But you do good and lend, +hoping for nothing thereby, and your reward shall be great."[31] + +Verily, the reward is great even on earth. In this path it is only +the first step which costs. To lend without hope of being repaid +seems hard; one would rather give outright, for what you give is +no longer yours. When a Sister says confidently: "I want your help +for some hours--I have our Mother's leave, and be assured I will +do as much for you later," one may know well that these hours +_lent_ will not be repaid, and be sorely tempted to say: "I prefer +to _give_ them." But that would gratify self-love, besides letting +the Sister feel that you do not rely much on her promise. The +Divine precepts run contrary to our natural inclinations, and +without the help of grace it would be impossible to understand +them, far less to put them in practice. + +Dear Mother, I feel that I have expressed myself with more than +usual confusion, and I do not know what you can find to interest +you in these rambling pages, but I am not aiming at a literary +masterpiece, and if I weary you by this discourse on charity, it +will at least prove your child's good will. I must confess I am +far from living up to my ideal, and yet the very desire to do so +gives me a feeling of peace. If I fall into some fault, I arise +again at once--and for some months now I have not even had to +struggle. I have been able to say with our holy Father, St. John +of the Cross: "My house is entirely at peace," and I attribute +this interior peace to a victory I gained over myself. Since that +victory, the hosts of Heaven have hastened to my aid, for they +will not allow me to be wounded, now that I have fought so +valiantly. + +A holy nun of our community annoyed me in all that she did; the +devil must have had something to do with it, and he it was +undoubtedly who made me see in her so many disagreeable points. I +did not want to yield to my natural antipathy, for I remembered +that charity ought to betray itself in deeds, and not exist merely +in the feelings, so I set myself to do for this sister all I +should do for the one I loved most. Every time I met her I prayed +for her, and offered to God her virtues and merits. I felt that +this was very pleasing to Our Lord, for there is no artist who is +not gratified when his works are praised, and the Divine Artist of +souls is pleased when we do not stop at the exterior, but, +penetrating to the inner sanctuary He has chosen, admire its +beauty. + +I did not rest satisfied with praying for this Sister, who gave me +such occasions for self-mastery, I tried to render her as many +services as I could, and when tempted to answer her sharply, I +made haste to smile and change the subject, for the _Imitation_ +says: "It is more profitable to leave everyone to his way of +thinking than to give way to contentious discourses." And +sometimes when the temptation was very severe, I would run like a +deserter from the battlefield if I could do so without letting the +Sister guess my inward struggle. + +One day she said to me with a beaming face: "My dear Soeur +Therese, tell me what attraction you find in me, for whenever we +meet, you greet me with such a sweet smile." Ah! What attracted me +was Jesus hidden in the depths of her soul--Jesus who maketh sweet +even that which is most bitter. + +I spoke just now, dear Mother, of the flight that is my last +resource to escape defeat. It is not honourable, I confess, but +during my noviciate, whenever I had recourse to this means, it +invariably succeeded. I will give you a striking example, which +will, I am sure, amuse you. You had been ill with bronchitis for +several days, and we were all uneasy about you. One morning, in my +duty as sacristan, I came to put back the keys of the +Communion-grating. This was my work, and I was very pleased to +have an opportunity of seeing you, though I took good care not to +show it. One of the Sisters, full of solicitude, feared I should +awake you, and tried to take the keys from me. I told her as +politely as I could, that I was quite as anxious as she was there +should be no noise, and added that it was my right to return them. +I see now that it would have been more perfect simply to yield, +but I did not see it then, and so I followed her into the room. +Very soon what she feared came to pass: the noise did awaken you. +All the blame fell upon me; the Sister I had argued with began a +long discourse, of which the point was: Soeur Therese made all the +noise. I was burning to defend myself, but a happy inspiration of +grace came to me. I thought that if I began to justify myself I +should certainly lose my peace of mind, and as I had too little +virtue to let myself be unjustly accused without answering, my +last chance of safety lay in flight. No sooner thought than done. +I hurried away, but my heart beat so violently, I could not go +far, and I was obliged to sit down on the stairs to enjoy in quiet +the fruit of my victory. This is an odd kind of courage, +undoubtedly, but I think it is best not to expose oneself in the +face of certain defeat. + +When I recall these days of my noviciate I understand how far I +was from perfection, and the memory of certain things makes me +laugh. How good God has been, to have trained my soul and given it +wings All the snares of the hunter can no longer frighten me, for +"A net is spread in vain before the eyes of them that have +wings."[32] + +It may be that some day my present state will appear to me full of +defects, but nothing now surprises me, and I do not even distress +myself because I am so weak. On the contrary I glory therein, and +expect each day to find fresh imperfections. Nay, I must confess, +these lights on my own nothingness are of more good to my soul +than lights on matters of Faith. Remembering that "Charity +covereth a multitude of sins,"[33] I draw from this rich mine, +which Our Saviour has opened to us in the Gospels. I search the +depths of His adorable words, and cry out with David: "I have run +in the way of Thy commandments since Thou hast enlarged my +heart."[34] And charity alone can make wide the heart. O Jesus! +Since its sweet flame consumes my heart, I run with delight in the +way of Thy New Commandment, and I desire to run therein until that +blessed day when, with Thy company of Virgins, I shall follow Thee +through Thy boundless Realm, singing Thy New Canticle--The +Canticle of Love. +______________________________ + +[1] 1 Kings 16:7. + +[2] Tobias 12:7. + +[3] Cf. Isaias 3:10. + +[4] Prov. 9:4. + +[5] Isa. 66:12, 13. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 70[71]:17, 18. + +[7] Soeur Therese had charge of the novices without being given +the title of Novice Mistress. + +[8] Ps. 118[119]:141. + +[9] Ps. 118[119]:100, 105, 106. + +[10] Luke 1:49. + +[11] Cf. John 1:5. + +[12] Cf. Luke 18:13. + +[13] Ps. 91[92]:5. + +[14] Ps. 143[144]:1, 2. + +[15] Ps. 132[133]:1. + +[16] Matt. 22:39. + +[17] Cf. Matt. 7:21. + +[18] Cf. John 13:34. + +[19] John 15:12. + +[20] Luke 11:33. + +[21] John 15:12. + +[22] 1 Cor. 4:3,4. + +[23] Luke 6:37. + +[24] Matt. 5:43, 44. + +[25] Luke 6:32. + +[26] Luke 6:30. + +[27] Matt. 11:30. + +[28] Matt. 5:40. + +[29] Matt. 5:41. + +[30] Matt. 5:42. + +[31] Luke 6:34, 35. + +[32] Prov. 1:27. + +[33] Prov. 10:12. + +[34] Ps. 118[119]:32. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER X +THE NEW COMMANDMENT + +Dear Mother, God in His infinite goodness has given me a clear +insight into the deep mysteries of Charity. If I could but express +what I know, you would hear a heavenly music; but alas! I can only +stammer like a child, and if God's own words were not my support, +I should be tempted to beg leave to hold my peace. When the Divine +Master tells me to give to whosoever asks of me, and to let what +is mine be taken without asking it again, it seems to me that He +speaks not only of the goods of earth, but also of the goods of +Heaven. Besides, neither one nor the other are really mine; I +renounced the former by the vow of poverty, and the latter gifts +are simply lent. If God withdraw them, I have no right to complain. + +But our very own ideas, the fruit of our mind and heart, form a +treasury on which none dare lay hands. For instance, if I reveal +to a Sister some light given me in prayer, and she repeats it +later on as though it were her own, it seems as though she +appropriates what is mine. Or, if during recreation someone makes +an apt and witty remark, which her neighbour repeats to the +Community, without acknowledging whence it came, it is a sort of +theft; and the person who originated the remark is naturally +inclined to seize the first opportunity of delicately insinuating +that her thoughts have been borrowed. + +I could not so well explain all these weaknesses of human nature +had I not experienced them. I should have preferred to indulge in +the illusion that I was the only one who suffered thus, had you +not bidden me advise the novices in their difficulties. I have +learnt much in the discharge of this duty, and especially I feel +bound to put in practice what I teach. + +I can say with truth that by God's grace I am no more attached to +the gifts of the intellect than to material things. If it happens +that a thought of mine should please my Sisters, I find it quite +easy to let them regard it as their own. My thoughts belong to the +Holy Ghost. They are not mine. St. Paul assures us that _without +the Spirit of Love, we cannot call God our Father._[1] + +And besides, though far from depreciating those beautiful thoughts +which bring us nearer to God, I have long been of opinion that we +must be careful not to over-estimate their worth. The highest +inspirations are of no value without good works. It is true that +others may derive much profit therefrom, if they are duly grateful +to our Lord for allowing them to share in the abundance of one of +His privileged souls; but should this privileged soul take pride +in spiritual wealth, and imitate the Pharisee, she becomes like to +a hostess dying of starvation at a well-spread table, while her +guests enjoy the richest fare, and perhaps cast envious glances at +the possessor of so many treasures. + +Verily it is true that God alone can sound the heart. How +short-sighted are His creatures! When they see a soul whose lights +surpass their own, they conclude that the Divine Master loves them +less. Since when has He lost the right to make use of one of His +children, in order to supply the others with the nourishment they +need? That right was not lost in the days of Pharaoh, for God said +unto him: "And therefore have I raised thee, that I may show My +power in thee, and My name may be spoken of throughout all the +earth."[2] + +Generations have passed away since the Most High spoke these +words, and His ways have not changed. He has ever chosen human +instruments for the accomplishment of His work. + +If an artist's canvas could but think and speak, surely it would +never complain of being touched and re-touched by the brush, nor +would it feel envious thereof, knowing that all its beauty is due +to the artist alone. So, too, the brush itself could not boast of +the masterpiece it had helped to produce, for it must know that an +artist is never at a loss; that difficulties do but stimulate him; +and that at times it pleases him to make use of instruments the +most unlikely and defective. + +Dear Mother, I am the little brush that Jesus has chosen to paint +His likeness in the souls you have confided to my care. Now an +artist has several brushes--two at the least: the first, which is +more useful, gives the ground tints and rapidly covers the whole +canvas; the other, and smaller one, puts in the lesser touches. +Mother, you represent the big brush which our Lord holds lovingly +in His Hand when He wishes to do some great work in the souls of +your children; and I am the little one He deigns to use +afterwards, to fill in the minor details. + +The first time the Divine Master took up His little brush was +about December 8, 1892. I shall always remember that time as one +of special grace. + +When I entered the Carmel, I found in the noviciate a companion +about eight years older than I was. In spite of this difference of +age, we became the closest friends, and to encourage an affection +which gave promise of fostering virtue we were allowed to converse +together on spiritual subjects. My companion charmed me by her +innocence and by her open and frank disposition, though I was +surprised to find how her love for you differed from mine; and +besides, I regretted many things in her behaviour. But God had +already given me to understand that there are souls for whom in +His Mercy He waits unweariedly, and to whom He gives His light by +degrees; so I was very careful not to forestall Him. + +One day when I was thinking over the permission we had to talk +together, so that we might--as our holy constitutions tells +us--incite ourselves more ardently to the love of our Divine +Spouse, it came home to me sadly that our conversations did not +attain the desired end; and I understood that either I must no +longer fear to speak out, or else I must put an end to what was +degenerating into mere worldly talk. I begged our Lord to inspire +me with words, kind and convincing; or better still, to speak +Himself for me. He heard my prayer, for those _who look upon Him +shall be enlightened,_[3] and "to the upright a light is risen in +the darkness."[4] The first of these texts I apply to myself, the +other to my companion, who was truly upright in heart. + +The next time we met, the poor little Sister saw at once that my +manner had changed, and, blushing deeply, she sat down beside me. +I pressed her to my heart, and told her gently what was in my +mind; then I pointed out to her in what true love consists, and +proved that in loving her Prioress with such natural affection she +was in reality loving herself. I confided to her the sacrifices of +this kind which I had been obliged to make at the beginning of my +religious life, and before long her tears were mingled with mine. +She admitted very humbly that she was in the wrong and that I was +right, and, begging me as a favour always to point out her faults, +she promised to begin a new life. From this time our love for one +another became truly spiritual; in us were fulfilled these words +of the Holy Ghost: "A brother that is helped by his brother is +like a strong city."[5] + +Dear Mother, you know very well that it was not my wish to turn my +companion away from you, I only wanted her to grasp that true love +feeds on sacrifice, and that in proportion as our souls renounce +natural enjoyments our affections become stronger and more +detached. + +I remember that when I was a postulant I was sometimes so +violently tempted to seek my own satisfaction by having a word +with you, that I was obliged to hurry past your cell and hold on +to the banisters to keep myself from turning back. Numerous +permissions I wanted to ask, and a hundred pretexts for yielding +to my desires suggested themselves, but now I am truly glad that I +did not listen. I already enjoy the reward promised to those who +fight bravely. I no longer feel the need of refusing myself these +consolations, for my heart is fixed on God. Because it has loved +Him only, it has grown, little by little, and now it can give to +those who are dear to Him a far deeper and truer love than if it +were centred in a barren and selfish affection. + +I have told you of the first piece of work which you accomplished +together with Our Lord by means of the little brush, but that was +only the prelude to the masterpiece which was afterwards to be +painted. From the moment I entered the sanctuary of souls, I saw +at a glance that the task was beyond my strength. Throwing myself +without delay into Our Lord's Arms, I imitated those tiny +children, who, when they are frightened, hide their faces on their +father's shoulder, and I said: + +"Dear Lord, Thou seest that I am too small to feed these little +ones, but if through me Thou wilt give to each what is suitable, +then fill my hands, and without leaving the shelter of Thine Arms, +or even turning away, I will distribute Thy treasures to the souls +who come to me asking for food. Should they find it to their +taste, I shall know that this is due not to me, but to Thee; and +if, on the contrary, they find fault with its bitterness, I shall +not be cast down, but try to persuade them that it cometh from +Thee, while taking good care to make no change in it." + +The knowledge that it was impossible to do anything of myself +rendered my task easier. My one interior occupation was to unite +myself more and more closely to God, knowing that the rest would +be given to me over and above. And indeed my hope has never been +deceived; I have always found my hands filled when sustenance was +needed for the souls of my Sisters. But had I done otherwise, and +relied on my own strength, I should very soon have been forced to +abandon my task. + +From afar it seems so easy to do good to souls, to teach them to +love God more, and to model them according to one's own ideas. +But, when we draw nearer, we quickly feel that without God's help +this is quite as impossible as to bring back the sun when once it +has set. We must forget ourselves, and put aside our tastes and +ideas, and guide souls not by our own way, but along the path +which Our Lord points out. Even this is not the most difficult +part; what costs me more than all is having to observe their +faults, their slightest imperfections, and wage war against them. + +Unhappily for me--I was going to say, but that would be cowardly, +so I will say--happily for my Sisters, ever since I placed myself +in the Arms of Jesus I have been like a watchman on the look-out +for the enemy from the highest turret of a fortified castle. +Nothing escapes my vigilance; indeed, I am sometimes surprised at +my own clear-sightedness, and I think it was quite excusable in +the prophet Jonas to fly before the face of the Lord, that he +might not have to announce the ruin of Ninive. Rather than make +one single reproach, I would prefer to receive a thousand, yet I +feel it is necessary that the task should cause me pain, for if I +spoke only through natural impulse, then the soul in fault would +not understand its defects and would simply think: "This Sister is +displeased, and her displeasure falls on me although I am full of +the best intentions." + +But in this, as in all else, I must practise sacrifice and +self-denial. Even in the matter of writing a letter, I feel that +it will produce no fruit, unless I am disinclined to write, and +only do so from obedience. + +When conversing with a novice I am on the watch to mortify myself, +and I avoid asking questions which would satisfy my curiosity. If +she begins to speak on an interesting subject, and, leaving it +unfinished, passes on to another that wearies me, I take care not +to remind her of the interruption, for it seems to me that no good +can come of self-seeking. + +I know, dear Mother, that your little lambs find me severe; if +they were to read these lines, they would say that, so far as they +can see, it does not distress me to run after them, and show them +how they have soiled their beautiful white fleece, or torn it in +the brambles. Well, the little lambs may say what they like--in +their hearts they know I love them dearly; there is no fear of my +imitating "the hireling . . . who seeth the wolf coming and +leaveth the sheep, and flieth."[6] + +I am ready to lay down my life for them, and my affection is so +disinterested that I would not have my novices know this. By God's +help, I have never tried to draw their hearts to myself, for I +have always understood that my mission was to lead them to Him and +to you, dear Mother, who on this earth hold His place in their +regard, and whom, therefore, they must love and respect. + +I said before, that I have learnt much by guiding others. In the +first place I see that all souls have more or less the same +battles to fight, and on the other hand, that one soul differs +widely from another, so each must be dealt with differently. With +some I must humble myself, and not shrink from acknowledging my +own struggles and defeats; then they confess more readily the +faults into which they fall, and are pleased that I know by +experience what they suffer. With others, my only means of success +is to be firm, and never go back on what I have once said; +self-abasement would be taken for weakness. + +Our Lord has granted me the grace never to fear the conflict; at +all costs I must do my duty. I have more than once been told: "If +you want me to obey, you must be gentle and not severe, otherwise +you will gain nothing." But no one is a good judge in his own +case. During a painful operation a child will be sure to cry out +and say that the remedy is worse than the disease; but if after a +few days he is cured, then he is greatly delighted that he can run +about and play. And it is the same with souls: they soon recognise +that a little bitter is better than too much sweet, and they are +not afraid to make the acknowledgment. Sometimes the change which +takes place from one day to another seems almost magical. + +A novice will say to me: "You did well to be severe yesterday; at +first I was indignant, but when I thought it all over, I saw that +you were quite right. I left your cell thinking: 'This ends it. I +will tell Our Mother that I shall never go to Soeur Therese +again'; but I knew this was the devil's suggestion, and then I +felt you were praying for me, and I grew calm. I began to see +things more clearly, and now I come to you for further guidance." + +I am only too happy to follow the dictates of my heart and hasten +to console with a little sweetness, but I see that one must not +press forward too quickly--a word might undo the work that cost so +many tears. If I say the least thing which seems to tone down the +hard truths of the previous day, I see my little Sister trying to +take advantage of the opening thus given her. At once I have +recourse to prayer, I turn to Our Blessed Lady, and Jesus always +triumphs. Verily in prayer and sacrifice lies all my strength, +they are my invincible arms; experience has taught me that they +touch hearts far more easily than words. + +Two years ago, during Lent, a novice came to me smiling, and said: +"You would never imagine what I dreamt last night--I thought I was +with my sister, who is so worldly, and I wanted to withdraw her +from all vain things; to this end I explained the words of your +hymn: + +'They richly lose who love Thee, dearest Lord; Thine are my +perfumes, Thine for evermore.' + +I felt that my words sank deep into her soul, and I was overjoyed. +This morning it seems to me that perhaps Our Lord would like me to +gain Him this soul. How would it do if I wrote at Easter and +described my dream, telling her that Jesus desires to have her for +His Spouse?" I answered that she might certainly ask permission. + +As Lent was not nearly over, you were surprised, dear Mother, at +such a premature request, and, evidently guided by God, you +replied that Carmelites should save souls by prayer rather than by +letters. When I heard your decision I said to the little Sister: +"We must set to work and pray hard; if our prayers are answered at +the end of Lent, what a joy it will be!" O Infinite Mercy of our +Lord! At the close of Lent, one soul more had given herself to +God. It was a real miracle of grace--a miracle obtained through +the fervour of a humble novice. + +How wonderful is the power of prayer! It is like unto a queen, +who, having free access to the king, obtains whatsoever she asks. +In order to secure a hearing there is no need to recite set +prayers composed for the occasion--were it so, I ought indeed to +be pitied! + +Apart from the Divine Office, which in spite of my unworthiness is +a daily joy, I have not the courage to look through books for +beautiful prayers. I only get a headache because of their number, +and besides, one is more lovely than another. Unable therefore to +say them all, and lost in choice, I do as children who have not +learnt to read--I simply tell Our Lord all that I want, and He +always understands. + +With me prayer is an uplifting of the heart; a glance towards +heaven; a cry of gratitude and love, uttered equally in sorrow and +in joy. In a word, it is something noble, supernatural, which +expands my soul and unites it to God. Sometimes when I am in such +a state of spiritual dryness that not a single good thought occurs +to me, I say very slowly the "Our Father" or the "Hail Mary," and +these prayers suffice to take me out of myself, and wonderfully +refresh me. + +But what was I speaking of? Again I am lost in a maze of +reflections. Forgive me, dear Mother, for wandering thus. My story +is like a tangled skein, but I fear I can do no better. I write my +thoughts as they come; I fish at random in the stream of my heart, +and offer you all that I catch. + +I was telling you about the novices. They often say: "You have an +answer for everything. This time I thought I should puzzle you. +Where do you find all that you teach us?" Some are even simple +enough to think I can read their souls, because at times it +happens I discover to them--without revelation--the subject of +their thoughts. The senior novice had determined to hide from me a +great sorrow. She spent the night in anguish, keeping back her +tears lest her eyes might betray her. Yet she came to me with a +smile next day, seeming even more cheerful than usual, and when I +said: "You are in trouble, I am sure," she looked at me in +inexpressible amazement. Her surprise was so great that it reacted +on me, and imparted a sense of the supernatural. I felt that God +was close to us. Unwittingly--for I have not the gift of reading +souls--I had spoken as one inspired, and was able to console her +completely. + +And now, dear Mother, I will tell you wherein I gain most with the +novices. You know they are allowed without restriction to say +anything to me, agreeable or the reverse; this is all the easier +since they do not owe me the respect due to a Novice-Mistress. I +cannot say that Our Lord makes me walk in the way of exterior +humiliation; He is satisfied with humbling me in my inmost soul. +In the eyes of creatures all is success, and I walk in the +dangerous path of honour--if a religious may so speak. I +understand God's way and that of my superiors in this respect; for +if the Community thought me incapable, unintelligent, and wanting +in judgment, I could be of no possible use to you, dear Mother. +This is why the Divine Master has thrown a veil over all my +shortcomings, both interior and exterior. Because of this veil I +receive many compliments from the novices--compliments without +flattery, for they really mean what they say; and they do not +inspire me with vanity, for the remembrance of my weakness is ever +before me. At times my soul tires of this over-sweet food, and I +long to hear something other than praise; then Our Lord serves me +with a nice little salad, well spiced, with plenty of vinegar--oil +alone is wanting, and this it is which makes it more to my taste. +And the salad is offered to me by the novices at the moment I +least expect. God lifts the veil that hides my faults, and my dear +little Sisters, beholding me as I really am, do not find me +altogether agreeable. With charming simplicity, they tell me how I +try them and what they dislike in me; in fact, they are as frank +as though they were speaking of someone else, for they are aware +that I am pleased when they act in this way. + +I am more than pleased--I am transported with delight by this +splendid banquet set before me. How can anything so contrary to +our natural inclinations afford such extraordinary pleasure? Had I +not experienced it, I could not have believed it possible. + +One day, when I was ardently longing for some humiliation, a young +postulant came to me and sated my desire so completely, that I was +reminded of the occasion when Semei cursed David, and I repeated +to myself the words of the holy King: "Yea, it is the Lord who +hath bidden him say all these things."[7] In this way God takes +care of me. He cannot always provide that strength-giving bread, +exterior humiliation, but from time to time He allows me to eat of +"the crumbs from the table of the children."[8] How magnificent +are His Mercies! + +Dear Mother, since that Infinite Mercy is the subject of this my +earthly song, I ought also to discover to you one real advantage, +reaped with many others in the discharge of my task. Formerly, if +I saw a Sister acting in a way that displeased me, and was +seemingly contrary to rule, I would think: "Ah, how glad I should +be if only I could warn her and point out where she is wrong." +Since, however, this burden has been laid upon me my ideas have +changed, and when I happen to see something not quite right, I say +with a sigh of relief: "Thank God! It is not a novice, and I am +not obliged to correct"; and at once I try to find excuses, and +credit the doer with the good intentions she no doubt possesses. + +Your devotedness, dear Mother, now that I am ill, has also taught +me many a lesson of charity. No remedy is too costly, and if one +does not succeed, you unhesitatingly try something new. When I am +present at recreation, how careful you are to shield me from +draughts. I feel that I ought to be as compassionate for the +spiritual infirmities of my Sisters as you are for my bodily ills. + +I have noticed that it is the holiest nuns who are most deeply +loved; everyone is anxious to seek their company, and do them +service, without even being asked. These very souls who are well +able to bear with want of affection and little attentions are +always surrounded by an atmosphere of love. Our Father, St. John +of the Cross, says with great truth: "All good things have come +unto me, since I no longer sought them for myself." + +Imperfect souls, on the contrary, are left alone. They are +treated, it is true, with the measure of politeness which +religious life demands; yet their company is avoided, lest a word +might be said which would hurt their feelings. When I say +imperfect souls, I am not referring to souls with spiritual +imperfections only, for the holiest souls will not be perfect till +they are in heaven. I mean those who are also afflicted with want +of tact and refinement, as well as ultra-sensitive souls. I know +such defects are incurable, but I also know how patient you would +be, in nursing and striving to relieve me, were my illness to last +for many years. + +From all this I draw the conclusion:--I ought to seek the +companionship of those Sisters towards whom I feel a natural +aversion, and try to be their good Samaritan. A word or a smile is +often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul. And yet it is +not merely in the hope of giving consolation that I try to be +kind. If it were, I know that I should soon be discouraged, for +well-intentioned words are often totally misunderstood. +Consequently, not to lose my time or labour, I try to act solely +to please Our Lord, and follow this precept of the Gospel: "When +thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends or thy +brethren, lest perhaps they also invite thee again and a +recompense be made to thee. But when thou makest a feast, call the +poor, the maimed, the blind, and the lame, and thou shalt be +blessed, because they have naught wherewith to make thee +recompense, and thy Father Who seeth in secret will repay thee."[9] + +What feast can I offer my Sisters but a spiritual one of sweet and +joyful charity! I know none other, and I wish to imitate St. Paul, +who rejoiced with those who rejoiced. It is true that he wept with +those who wept, and at my feast, too, the tears must sometimes +fall, still I shall always try to change them into smiles, for +"God loveth a cheerful giver."[10] + +I remember an act of charity with which God inspired me while I +was still a novice, and this act, though seemingly small, has been +rewarded even in this life by Our Heavenly Father, "Who seeth in +secret." + +Shortly before Sister St. Peter became quite bedridden, it was +necessary every evening, at ten minutes to six, for someone to +leave meditation and take her to the refectory. It cost me a good +deal to offer my services, for I knew the difficulty, or I should +say the impossibility, of pleasing the poor invalid. But I did not +want to lose such a good opportunity, for I recalled Our Lord's +words: "As long as you did it to one of these my least brethren, +you did it to Me."[11] I therefore humbly offered my aid. It was +not without difficulty I induced her to accept it, but after +considerable persuasion I succeeded. Every evening, when I saw her +shake her sand-glass, I understood that she meant: "Let us go!" +Summoning up all my courage I rose, and the ceremony began. First +of all, her stool had to be moved and carried in a particular way, +and on no account must there be any hurry. The solemn procession +ensued. I had to follow the good Sister, supporting her by her +girdle; I did it as gently as possible, but if by some mischance +she stumbled, she imagined I had not a firm hold, and that she was +going to fall. "You are going too fast," she would say, "I shall +fall and hurt myself!" Then when I tried to lead her more quietly: +"Come quicker . . . I cannot feel you . . . you are letting me go! +I was right when I said you were too young to take care of me." + +When we reached the refectory without further mishap, more +troubles were in store. I had to settle my poor invalid in her +place, taking great pains not to hurt her. Then I had to turn back +her sleeves, always according to her own special rubric, and after +that I was allowed to go. + +But I soon noticed that she found it very difficult to cut her +bread, so I did not leave her till I had performed this last +service. She was much touched by this attention on my part, for +she had not expressed any wish on the subject; it was by this +unsought-for kindness that I gained her entire confidence, and +chiefly because--as I learnt later--at the end of my humble task +I bestowed upon her my sweetest smile. + +Dear Mother, it is long since all this happened, but Our Lord +allows the memory of it to linger with me like a perfume from +Heaven. One cold winter evening, I was occupied in the lowly work +of which I have just spoken, when suddenly I heard in the distance +the harmonious strains of music outside the convent walls. I +pictured a drawing-room, brilliantly lighted and decorated, and +richly furnished. Young ladies, elegantly dressed, exchanged a +thousand compliments, as is the way of the world. Then I looked on +the poor invalid I was tending. Instead of sweet music I heard her +complaints, instead of rich gilding I saw the brick walls of our +bare cloister, scarcely visible in the dim light. The contrast was +very moving. Our Lord so illuminated my soul with the rays of +truth, before which the pleasures of the world are but as +darkness, that for a thousand years of such worldly delights, I +would not have bartered even the ten minutes spent in my act of +charity. + +If even now, in days of pain and amid the smoke of battle, the +thought that God has withdrawn us from the world is so entrancing, +what will it be when, in eternal glory and everlasting repose, we +realise the favour beyond compare He has done us here, by singling +us out to dwell in His Carmel, the very portal of Heaven? + +I have not always felt these transports of joy in performing acts +of charity, but at the beginning of my religious life Jesus wished +to make me feel how sweet to Him is charity, when found in the +hearts of his Spouses. Thus when I led Sister St. Peter, it was +with so much love that I could not have shown more were I guiding +Our Divine Lord Himself. + +The practice of charity has not always been so pleasant as I have +just pointed out, dear Mother, and to prove it I will recount some +of my many struggles. + +For a long time my place at meditation was near a Sister who +fidgeted continually, either with her Rosary, or something else; +possibly, as I am very quick of hearing, I alone heard her, but I +cannot tell you how much it tried me. I should have liked to turn +round, and by looking at the offender, make her stop the noise; +but in my heart I knew that I ought to bear it tranquilly, both +for the love of God and to avoid giving pain. So I kept quiet, but +the effort cost me so much that sometimes I was bathed in +perspiration, and my meditation consisted merely in suffering with +patience. After a time I tried to endure it in peace and joy, at +least deep down in my soul, and I strove to take actual pleasure +in the disagreeable little noise. Instead of trying not to hear +it, which was impossible, I set myself to listen, as though it had +been some delightful music, and my meditation--which was not the +"prayer of quiet"--was passed in offering this music to Our Lord. + +Another time I was working in the laundry, and the Sister +opposite, while washing handkerchiefs, repeatedly splashed me with +dirty water. My first impulse was to draw back and wipe my face, +to show the offender I should be glad if she would behave more +quietly; but the next minute I thought how foolish it was to +refuse the treasures God offered me so generously, and I refrained +from betraying my annoyance. On the contrary, I made such efforts +to welcome the shower of dirty water, that at the end of half an +hour I had taken quite a fancy to this novel kind of aspersion, +and I resolved to come as often as I could to the happy spot where +such treasures were freely bestowed. + +Dear Mother, you see that I am a very little soul, who can only +offer very little things to Our Lord. It still happens that I +frequently let slip the occasion of these slender sacrifices, +which bring so much peace, but this does not discourage me; I bear +the loss of a little peace, and I try to be more watchful for the +future. + +How happy does Our Lord make me, and how sweet and easy is His +service on this earth! He has always given me what I desired, or +rather He has made me desire what He wishes to give. A short time +before my terrible temptation against Faith, I had reflected how +few exterior trials, worthy of mention, had fallen to my lot, and +that if I were to have interior trials, God must change my path; +and this I did not think He would do. Yet I could not always live +at ease. Of what means, then, would He make use? + +I had not long to wait for an answer, and it showed me that He +whom I love is never at a loss, for without changing my way, He +sent me this great trial; and thus mingled a healing bitterness +with all the sweet. +______________________________ + +[1] Cf. Rom. 8:15. + +[2] Exod. 9:16. + +[3] Cf. Ps. 33[34]:6. + +[4] Ps. 111[112]:4. + +[5] Prov. 18:19. + +[6] John 10:12. + +[7] Cf. 2 Kings 16:10. + +[8] Mark 7:28. + +[9] Cf. Luke 14:12, 13, 14. + +[10] 2 Cor. 9:7. + +[11] Matt. 25:40. + +______________________________ + + +CHAPTER XI A CANTICLE OF LOVE + +It is not only when He is about to send me some trial that Our +Lord gives me warning and awakens my desire for it. For years I +had cherished a longing which seemed impossible of realisation--to +have a brother a Priest. I often used to think that if my little +brothers had not gone to Heaven, I should have had the happiness +of seeing them at the Altar. I greatly regretted being deprived of +this joy. Yet God went beyond my dream; I only asked for one +brother who would remember me each day at the Holy Altar, and He +has united me in the bonds of spiritual friendship with two of His +apostles. I should like to tell you, dear Mother, how Our Divine +Master fulfilled my desire. + +In 1895 our holy Mother, St. Teresa, sent my first brother as a +gift for my feast. It was washing day, and I was busy at my work, +when Mother Agnes of Jesus, then Prioress, called me aside and +read me a letter from a young Seminarist, in which he said he had +been inspired by St. Teresa to ask for a sister who would devote +herself specially to his salvation, and to the salvation of his +future flock. He promised always to remember this spiritual sister +when saying Mass, and the choice fell upon me. Dear Mother, I +cannot tell you how happy this made me. Such unlooked-for +fulfillment of my desire awoke in my heart the joy of a child; it +carried me back to those early days, when pleasures were so keen, +that my heart seemed too small to contain them. Years had passed +since I had tasted a like happiness, so fresh, so unfamiliar, as +if forgotten chords had been stirred within me. + +Fully aware of my obligations, I set to work, and strove to +redouble my fervour. Now and again I wrote to my new brother. +Undoubtedly, it is by prayer and sacrifice that we can help our +missionaries, but sometimes, when it pleases Our Lord to unite two +souls for His Glory, He permits them to communicate their +thoughts, and thus inspire each other to love God more. Of course +an express command from those in authority is needed for this, +otherwise, it seems to me, that such a correspondence would do +more harm than good, if not to the missionary, at least to the +Carmelite, whose manner of life tends to continual introversion. +This exchange of letters, though rare, would occupy her mind +uselessly; instead of uniting her to God, she would perhaps fancy +she was doing wonders, when in reality, under cover of zeal, she +was doing nothing but producing needless distraction.--And here +am I, launched, not upon a distraction, but upon a dissertation +equally superfluous. I shall never be able to correct myself of +these lengthy digressions which must be so wearisome to you, dear +Mother. Forgive me, should I offend again. + +Last year, at the end of May, it was your turn to give me my +second brother, and when I represented that, having given all my +merits to one future apostle, I feared they could not be given to +another, you told me that obedience would double their value. In +the depths of my heart I thought the same thing, and, since the +zeal of a Carmelite ought to embrace the whole world, I hope, with +God's help, to be of use to even more than two missionaries. I +pray for all, not forgetting our Priests at home, whose ministry +is quite as difficult as that of the missionary preaching to the +heathen. . . . In a word, I wish to be a true daughter of the +Church, like our holy Mother St. Teresa, and pray for all the +intentions of Christ's Vicar. That is the one great aim of my +life. But just as I should have had a special interest in my +little brothers had they lived, and that, without neglecting the +general interests of the Church, so now, I unite myself in a +special way to the new brothers whom Jesus has given me. All that +I possess is theirs also. God is too good to give by halves; He is +so rich that He gives me all I ask for, even though I do not lose +myself in lengthy enumerations. As I have two brothers and my +little sisters, the novices, the days would be too short were I to +ask in detail for the needs of each soul, and I fear I might +forget something important. Simple souls cannot understand +complicated methods, and, as I am one of their number, Our Lord +has inspired me with a very simple way of fulfilling my +obligations. One day, after Holy Communion, He made me understand +these words of the Canticles: "Draw me: we will run after Thee to +the odour of Thy ointments."[1] O my Jesus, there is no need to +say: "In drawing me, draw also the souls that I love": these +words, "Draw me," suffice. When a soul has let herself be taken +captive by the inebriating odour of Thy perfumes, she cannot run +alone; as a natural consequence of her attraction towards Thee, +the souls of all those she loves are drawn in her train. + +Just as a torrent carries into the depths of the sea all that it +meets on its way, so, my Jesus, does the soul who plunges into the +shoreless ocean of Thy Love bring with it all its treasures. My +treasures are the souls it has pleased thee to unite with mine; +Thou hast confided them to me, and therefore I do not fear to use +Thy own words, uttered by Thee on the last night that saw Thee +still a traveller on this earth. Jesus, my Beloved! I know not +when my exile will have an end. Many a night I may yet sing Thy +Mercies here below, but for me also will come the last night, and +then I shall be able to say: + +"I have glorified Thee upon earth: I have finished the work which +Thou gavest me to do. I have manifested Thy name to the men whom +Thou hast given me out of the world. Thine they were, and to me +Thou gavest them; and they have kept Thy word. Now they have known +that all things which Thou hast given me are from Thee: because +the words which Thou gavest me I have given to them; and they +have received them, and have known for certain that I came forth +from Thee, and they have believed that Thou didst send me. I pray +for them: I pray not for the world, but for them whom Thou hast +given me, because they are Thine. And all mine are Thine, and +Thine are mine; and I am glorified in them. And now I am no more +in the world, and these are in the world, and I come to Thee. Holy +Father, keep them in Thy name, whom Thou hast given me, that they +may be one, as we also are one. And now I come to Thee, and these +things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy filled in +themselves. I do not ask that Thou take them away out of the +world, but that Thou preserve them from evil. They are not of the +world, as I also am not of the world. And not for them only do I +pray, but for those also who through their word shall believe in +me. Father, I will that where I am they also whom Thou hast given +me may be with me, that they may see my glory which Thou hast +given me, because Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the +world. And I have made known Thy name unto them, and will make it +known, that the love wherewith Thou hast loved me may be in them +and I in them."[2] + +Yea, Lord, thus would I repeat Thy words, before losing myself in +Thy loving embrace. Perhaps it is daring, but, for a long time, +hast thou not allowed me to be daring with Thee? Thou hast said to +me, as the Prodigal's father to his elder son: "All I have is +thine."[3] And therefore I may use thy very own words to draw down +favours from Our Heavenly Father on all who are dear to me. + +My God, Thou knowest that I have ever desired to love Thee alone. +It has been my only ambition. Thy love has gone before me, even +from the days of my childhood. It has grown with my growth, and +now it is an abyss whose depths I cannot fathom. + +Love attracts love; mine darts towards Thee, and would fain make +the abyss brim over, but alas! it is not even as a dewdrop in the +ocean. To love Thee as Thou lovest me, I must make Thy Love mine +own. Thus alone can I find rest. O my Jesus, it seems to me that +Thou couldst not have overwhelmed a soul with more love than Thou +hast poured out on mine, and that is why I dare ask Thee to love +those Thou hast given me, even as Thou lovest me. + +If, in Heaven, I find that thou lovest them more than Thou lovest +me, I shall rejoice, for I acknowledge that their deserts are +greater than mine, but now, I can conceive no love more vast than +that with which Thou hast favoured me, without any merit on my +part. + +. . . . . . . + +Dear Mother, what I have just written amazes me. I had no +intention of writing it. When I said: "The words which Thou gavest +me I have given unto them," I was thinking only of my little +sisters in the noviciate. I am not able to teach missionaries, and +the words I wrote for them were from the prayer of Our Lord: "I do +not ask that Thou shouldst take them out of the world; I pray also +for them who through their word shall believe in Thee." + +How could I forget those souls they are to win by their sufferings +and exhortations? + +But I have not told you all my thoughts on this passage of the +Sacred Canticles: "Draw me--we will run!" Our Lord has said: "No +man can come to Me except the Father Who hath sent Me, draw +him,"[4] and later He tells us that _whosoever seeks shall find, +whosoever asks shall receive, that unto him that knocks it shall +be opened,_ and He adds that whatever we ask the Father in His +Name shall be given us. It was no doubt for this reason that, long +before the birth of Our Lord, the Holy Spirit dictated these +prophetic words: "Draw me--we will run!" By asking to be drawn, we +desire an intimate union with the object of our love. If iron and +fire were endowed with reason, and the iron could say: "Draw me!" +would not that prove its desire to be identified with the fire to +the point of sharing its substance? Well, this is precisely my +prayer. I asked Jesus to draw me into the Fire of His love, and to +unite me so closely to Himself that He may live and act in me. I +feel that the more the fire of love consumes my heart, so much the +more shall I say: "Draw me!" and the more also will souls who draw +near me _run swiftly in the sweet odour of the Beloved._ + +Yes, they will run--we shall all run together, for souls that are +on fire can never be at rest. They may indeed, like St. Mary +Magdalen, sit at the feet of Jesus, listening to His sweet and +burning words, but, though they seem to give Him nothing, they +give much more than Martha, who busied herself about many things. +It is not Martha's work that Our Lord blames, but her +over-solicitude; His Blessed Mother humbly occupied herself in the +same kind of work when she prepared the meals for the Holy Family. +All the Saints have understood this, especially those who have +illumined the earth with the light of Christ's teaching. Was it +not from prayer that St. Paul, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, +St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa, and so many other friends of +God drew that wonderful science which has enthralled the loftiest +minds? "Give me a lever and a fulcrum on which to lean it," said +Archimedes, "and I will lift the world." + +What he could not obtain because his request had only a material +end, without reference to God, the Saints have obtained in all its +fulness. They lean on God Almighty's power itself and their lever +is the prayer that inflames with love's fire. With this lever they +have raised the world--with this lever the Saints of the Church +Militant still raise it, and will raise it to the end of time. + +Dear Mother, I have still to tell you what I understand by the +_sweet odour of the Beloved._ As Our Lord is now in Heaven, I can +only follow Him by the footprints He has left--footprints full of +life, full of fragrance. I have only to open the Holy Gospels and +at once I breathe the perfume of Jesus, and then I know which way +to run; and it is not to the first place, but to the last, that I +hasten. I leave the Pharisee to go up, and full of confidence I +repeat the humble prayer of the Publican. Above all I follow +Magdalen, for the amazing, rather I should say, the loving +audacity, that delights the Heart of Jesus, has cast its spell +upon mine. It is not because I have been preserved from mortal sin +that I lift up my heart to God in trust and love. I feel that even +had I on my conscience every crime one could commit, I should lose +nothing of my confidence: my heart broken with sorrow, I would +throw myself into the Arms of my Saviour. I know that He loves the +Prodigal Son, I have heard His words to St. Mary Magdalen, to the +woman taken in adultery, and to the woman of Samaria. No one could +frighten me, for I know what to believe concerning His Mercy and +His Love. And I know that all that multitude of sins would +disappear in an instant, even as a drop of water cast into a +flaming furnace. + +It is told in the Lives of the Fathers of the Desert how one of +them converted a public sinner, whose evil deeds were the scandal +of the whole country. This wicked woman, touched by grace, +followed the Saint into the desert, there to perform rigorous +penance. But on the first night of the journey, before even +reaching the place of her retirement, the bonds that bound her to +earth were broken by the vehemence of her loving sorrow. The holy +man, at the same instant, saw her soul borne by Angels to the +Bosom of God. + +This is a striking example of what I want to say, but these things +cannot be expressed. Dearest Mother, if weak and imperfect souls +like mine felt what I feel, none would despair of reaching the +summit of the Mountain of Love, since Jesus does not ask for great +deeds, but only for gratitude and self-surrender. + +He says: "I will not take the he-goats from out of the flocks, for +all the beasts of the forests are mine, the cattle on the hills +and the oxen. I know all the fowls of the air. If I were hungry, I +would not tell thee, for the world is Mine, and the fulness +thereof. Shall I eat the flesh of bullocks, or shall I drink the +blood of goats? Offer to God the sacrifice of praise and +thanksgiving."[5] + +This is all Our Lord claims from us. He has need of our love--He +has no need of our works. The same God, Who declares that He has +no need to tell us if He be hungry, did not disdain to beg a +little water from the Samaritan woman. He was athirst, but when He +said: "Give me to drink,"[6] He, the Creator of the Universe, +asked for the love of His creature. He thirsted for love. + +And this thirst of Our Divine Lord was ever on the increase. +Amongst the disciples of the world, He meets with nothing but +indifference and ingratitude, and alas! among His own, how few +hearts surrender themselves without reserve to the infinite +tenderness of His Love. Happy are we who are privileged to +understand the inmost secrets of Our Divine Spouse. If you, dear +Mother, would but set down in writing all you know, what wonders +could you not unfold! + +But, like Our Blessed Lady, you prefer to _keep all these things +in your heart._[7] To me you say that "It is honourable to reveal +and confess the world of God."[8] Yet you are right to keep +silence, for no earthly words can convey the secrets of Heaven. + +As for me, in spite of all I have written, I have not as yet +begun. I see so many beautiful horizons, such infinitely varied +tints, that the palette of the Divine Painter will alone, after +the darkness of this life, be able to supply me with the colours +wherewith I may portray the wonders that my soul descries. Since, +however, you have expressed a desire to penetrate into the hidden +sanctuary of my heart, and to have in writing what was the most +consoling dream of my life, I will end this story of my soul, by +an act of obedience. If you will allow me, it is to Jesus I will +address myself, for in this way I shall speak more easily. You may +find my expressions somewhat exaggerated, but I assure you there +is no exaggeration in my heart--there all is calm and peace. + +O my Jesus, who can say how tenderly and gently Thou dost lead my +soul! The storm had raged there ever since Easter, the glorious +feast of Thy triumph, until, in the month of May, there shone +through the darkness of my night one bright ray of grace. . . . My +mind dwelt on mysterious dreams sent sometimes to Thy favoured +ones, and I thought how such a consolation was not to be +mine--that for me, it was night, always the dark night. And in the +midst of the storm I fell asleep. The following day, May 10, just +at dawn, I dreamt that I was walking in a gallery alone with Our +Mother. Suddenly, without knowing how they had entered, I +perceived three Carmelites, in mantles and long veils, and I knew +that they came from Heaven. "Ah!" I thought, "how glad I should be +if I could but look on the face of one of these Carmelites!" And, +as if my wish had been heard, I saw the tallest of the three +Saints advance towards me. An inexpressible joy took possession of +me as she raised her veil, and then covered me with it. + +At once I recognised our Venerable Mother, Anne of Jesus, +foundress of the Carmel in France.[9] Her face was beautiful with +an unearthly beauty; no rays came from it, and yet, in spite of +the thick veil which enveloped us, I could see it suffused by a +soft light, which seemed to emanate from her heavenly countenance. +She caressed me tenderly, and seeing myself the object of such +affection, I made bold to say: "Dear Mother, I entreat you, tell +me, will Our Lord leave me much longer in this world? Will He not +soon come to fetch me?" She smiled sweetly, and answered, "Yes, +soon . . . very soon . . . I promise you." "Dear Mother," I asked +again, "tell me if He does not want more from me than these poor +little acts and desires that I offer Him. Is He pleased with me?" +Then our Venerable Mother's face shone with a new splendour, and +her expression became still more gracious: "The Good God asks no +more of you," she said, "He is pleased, quite pleased," and, +taking my head between her hands, she kissed me so tenderly that +it would be impossible to describe the joy I felt. My heart was +overflowing with gladness, and, remembering my Sisters, I was +about to beseech some favour for them, when, alas! I awoke. My +happiness was too great for words. Many months have passed since I +had this wonderful dream, and yet its memory is as fresh and +delightful as ever. I can still picture the loving smiles of this +holy Carmelite and feel her fond caresses. O Jesus! "Thou didst +command the winds and the storm, and there came a great calm."[10] + +On waking, I realised that Heaven does indeed exist, and that this +Heaven is peopled with souls who cherish me as their child, and +this impression still remains with me--all the sweeter, because, +up to that time, I had but little devotion to the Venerable Mother +Anne of Jesus. I had never sought her help, and but rarely heard +her name. And now I know and understand how constantly I was in +her thoughts, and the knowledge adds to my love for her and for +all the dear ones in my Father's Home. + +O my Beloved! this was but the prelude of graces yet greater which +Thou didst desire to heap upon me. Let me remind Thee of them +to-day, and forgive my folly if I venture to tell Thee once more +of my hopes, and my heart's well nigh infinite longings--forgive +me and grant my desire, that it may be well with my soul. To be +Thy Spouse, O my Jesus, to be a daughter of Carmel, and by my +union with Thee to be the mother of souls, should not all this +content me? And yet other vocations make themselves felt--I feel +called to the Priesthood and to the Apostolate--I would be a +Martyr, a Doctor of the Church. I should like to accomplish the +most heroic deeds--the spirit of the Crusader burns within me, and +I long to die on the field of battle in defence of Holy Church. + +The vocation of a Priest! With what love, my Jesus, would I bear +Thee in my hand, when my words brought Thee down from Heaven! With +what love would I give Thee to souls! And yet, while longing to be +a Priest, I admire and envy the humility of St. Francis of Assisi, +and am drawn to imitate him by refusing the sublime dignity of the +Priesthood. How reconcile these opposite tendencies?[11] + +Like the Prophets and Doctors, I would be a light unto souls, I +would travel to every land to preach Thy name, O my Beloved, and +raise on heathen soil the glorious standard of Thy Cross. One +mission alone would not satisfy my longings. I would spread the +Gospel to the ends of the earth, even to the most distant isles. I +would be a Missionary, not for a few years only, but, were it +possible, from the beginning of the world till the consummation of +time. Above all, I thirst for the Martyr's crown. It was the +desire of my earliest days, and the desire has deepened with the +years passed in the Carmel's narrow cell. But this too is folly, +since I do not sigh for one torment; I need them all to slake my +thirst. Like Thee, O Adorable Spouse, I would be scourged, I would +be crucified! I would be flayed like St. Bartholomew, plunged into +boiling oil like St. John, or, like St. Ignatius of Antioch, +ground by the teeth of wild beasts into a bread worthy of God.[12] + +With St. Agnes and St. Cecilia I would offer my neck to the sword +of the executioner, and like Joan of Arc I would murmur the name +of Jesus at the stake. + +My heart thrills at the thought of the frightful tortures +Christians are to suffer at the time of Anti-Christ, and I long to +undergo them all. Open, O Jesus, the Book of Life, in which are +written the deeds of Thy Saints: all the deeds told in that book I +long to have accomplished for Thee. To such folly as this what +answer wilt Thou make? Is there on the face of this earth a soul +more feeble than mine? And yet, precisely because I am feeble, it +has delighted Thee to accede to my least and most child-like +desires, and to-day it is Thy good pleasure to realise those other +desires, more vast than the Universe. These aspirations becoming a +true martyrdom, I opened, one day, the Epistles of St. Paul to +seek relief in my sufferings. My eyes fell on the 12th and 13th +chapters of the First Epistle to the Corinthians. I read that all +cannot become Apostles, Prophets, and Doctors; that the Church is +composed of different members; that the eye cannot also be the +hand. The answer was clear, but it did not fulfill my desires, or +give to me the peace I sought. "Then descending into the depths of +my nothingness, I was so lifted up that I reached my aim."[13] + +Without being discouraged I read on, and found comfort in this +counsel: "Be zealous for the better gifts. And I show unto you a +yet more excellent way."[14] The Apostle then explains how all +perfect gifts are nothing without Love, that Charity is the most +excellent way of going surely to God. At last I had found rest. + +Meditating on the mystical Body of Holy Church, I could not +recognise myself among any of its members as described by St. +Paul, or was it not rather that I wished to recognise myself in +all? Charity provided me with the key to my vocation. I understood +that since the Church is a body composed of different members, the +noblest and most important of all the organs would not be wanting. +I knew that the Church has a heart, that this heart burns with +love, and that it is love alone which gives life to its members. I +knew that if this love were extinguished, the Apostles would no +longer preach the Gospel, and the Martyrs would refuse to shed +their blood. I understood that love embraces all vocations, that +it is all things, and that it reaches out through all the ages, +and to the uttermost limits of the earth, because it is eternal. + +Then, beside myself with joy, I cried out: "O Jesus, my Love, at +last I have found my vocation. My vocation is love! Yes, I have +found my place in the bosom of the Church, and this place, O my +God, Thou hast Thyself given to me: in the heart of the Church, my +Mother, I will be LOVE! . . . Thus I shall be all things: thus +will my dream be realised. . . ." + +Why do I say I am beside myself with joy? This does not convey my +thought. Rather is it peace which has become my portion--the calm +peace of the sailor when he catches sight of the beacon which +lights him to port. O luminous Beacon of Love! I know how to come +even unto Thee, I have found the means of borrowing Thy Fires. + +I am but a weak and helpless child, yet it is my very weakness +which makes me dare to offer myself, O Jesus, as victim to Thy +Love. + +In olden days pure and spotless holocausts alone were acceptable +to the Omnipotent God. Nor could His Justice be appeased, save by +the most perfect sacrifices. But the law of fear has given place +to the law of love, and Love has chosen me, a weak and imperfect +creature, as its victim. Is not such a choice worthy of God's +Love? Yea, for in order that Love may be fully satisfied, it must +stoop even unto nothingness, and must transform that nothingness +into fire. O my God, I know it--"Love is repaid by love +alone."[15] Therefore I have sought, I have found, how to ease my +heart, by rendering Thee love for love. + +"Use the riches that make men unjust, to find you friends who may +receive you into everlasting dwellings."[16] This, O Lord, is the +advice Thou gavest to Thy disciples after complaining that "the +children of this world are wiser in their generation than the +children of light."[17] + +Child of light, as I am, I understood that my desires to be all +things, and to embrace all vocations, were riches that might well +make me unjust; so I set to work to use them for the making of +friends. Mindful of the prayer of Eliseus when he asked the +Prophet Elias for his double spirit, I presented myself before the +company of the Angels and Saints and addressed them thus: "I am +the least of all creatures. I know my mean estate, but I know that +noble and generous hearts love to do good. Therefore, O Blessed +Inhabitants of the Celestial City, I entreat you to adopt me as +your child. All the glory that you help me to acquire, will be +yours; only deign to hear my prayer, and obtain for me a double +portion of the love of God." + +O my God! I cannot measure the extent of my request, I should fear +to be crushed by the very weight of its audacity. My only excuse +is my claim to childhood, and that children do not grasp the full +meaning of their words. Yet if a father or mother were on the +throne and possessed vast treasures, they would not hesitate to +grant the desires of those little ones, more dear to them than +life itself. To give them pleasure they will stoop even unto folly. + +Well, I am a child of Holy Church, and the Church is a Queen, +because she is now espoused to the Divine King of Kings. I ask not +for riches or glory, not even the glory of Heaven--that belongs by +right to my brothers the Angels and Saints, and my own glory shall +be the radiance that streams from the queenly brow of my Mother, +the Church. Nay, I ask for Love. To love Thee, Jesus, is now my +only desire. Great deeds are not for me; I cannot preach the +Gospel or shed my blood. No matter! My brothers work in my stead, +and I, a little child, stay close to the throne, and love Thee for +all who are in the strife. + +But how shall I show my love, since love proves itself by deeds? +Well! The little child will strew flowers . . . she will embrace +the Divine Throne with their fragrance, she will sing Love's +Canticle in silvery tones. Yes, my Beloved, it is thus my short +life shall be spent in Thy sight. The only way I have of proving +my love is to strew flowers before Thee--that is to say, I will +let no tiny sacrifice pass, no look, no word. I wish to profit by +the smallest actions, and to do them for Love. I wish to suffer +for Love's sake, and for Love's sake even to rejoice: thus shall I +strew flowers. Not one shall I find without scattering its petals +before Thee . . . and I will sing . . . I will sing always, even +if my roses must be gathered from amidst thorns; and the longer +and sharper the thorns, the sweeter shall be my song. + +But of what avail to thee, my Jesus, are my flowers and my songs? +I know it well: this fragrant shower, these delicate petals of +little price, these songs of love from a poor little heart like +mine, will nevertheless be pleasing unto Thee. Trifles they are, +but Thou wilt smile on them. The Church Triumphant, stooping +towards her child, will gather up these scattered rose leaves, +and, placing them in Thy Divine Hands, there to acquire an +infinite value, will shower them on the Church Suffering to +extinguish its flames, and on the Church Militant to obtain its +victory. + +O my Jesus, I love Thee! I love my Mother, the Church; I bear in +mind that "the least act of pure love is of more value to her than +all other works together."[18] + +But is this pure love really in my heart? Are not my boundless +desires but dreams--but foolishness? If this be so, I beseech Thee +to enlighten me; Thou knowest I seek but the truth. If my desires +be rash, then deliver me from them, and from this most grievous of +all martyrdoms. And yet I confess, if I reach not those heights to +which my soul aspires, this very martyrdom, this foolishness, will +have been sweeter to me than eternal bliss will be, unless by a +miracle Thou shouldst take from me all memory of the hopes I +entertained upon earth. Jesus, Jesus! If the mere desire of Thy +Love awakens such delight, what will it be to possess it, to enjoy +it for ever? + +How can a soul so imperfect as mine aspire to the plenitude of +Love? What is the key of this mystery? O my only Friend, why dost +Thou not reserve these infinite longings to lofty souls, to the +eagles that soar in the heights? Alas! I am but a poor little +unfledged bird. I am not an eagle, I have but the eagle's eyes and +heart! Yet, notwithstanding my exceeding littleless, I dare to +gaze upon the Divine Sun of Love, and I burn to dart upwards unto +Him! I would fly, I would imitate the eagles; but all that I can +do is to lift up my little wings--it is beyond my feeble power to +soar. What is to become of me? Must I die of sorrow because of my +helplessness? Oh, no! I will not even grieve. With daring +self-abandonment there will I remain until death, my gaze fixed +upon that Divine Sun. Nothing shall affright me, nor wind nor +rain. And should impenetrable clouds conceal the Orb of Love, and +should I seem to believe that beyond this life there is darkness +only, that would be the hour of perfect joy, the hour in which to +push my confidence to its uttermost bounds. I should not dare to +detach my gaze, well knowing that beyond the dark clouds the sweet +Sun still shines. + +So far, O my God, I understand Thy Love for me. But Thou knowest +how often I forget this, my only care. I stray from Thy side, and +my scarcely fledged wings become draggled in the muddy pools of +earth; then I lament "like a young swallow,"[19] and my lament +tells Thee all, and I remember, O Infinite Mercy! that "Thou didst +not come to call the just, but sinners."[20] + +Yet shouldst Thou still be deaf to the plaintive cries of Thy +feeble creature, shouldst Thou still be veiled, then I am content +to remain benumbed with cold, my wings bedraggled, and once more I +rejoice in this well-deserved suffering. + +O Sun, my only Love, I am happy to feel myself so small, so frail +in Thy sunshine, and I am in peace . . . I know that all the +eagles of Thy Celestial Court have pity on me, they guard and +defend me, they put to flight the vultures--the demons that fain +would devour me. I fear them not, these demons, I am not destined +to be their prey, but the prey of the Divine Eagle. + +O Eternal Word! O my Saviour! Thou art the Divine Eagle Whom I +love--Who lurest me. Thou Who, descending to this land of exile, +didst will to suffer and to die, in order to bear away the souls +of men and plunge them into the very heart of the Blessed +Trinity--Love's Eternal Home! Thou Who, reascending into +inaccessible light, dost still remain concealed here in our vale +of tears under the snow-white semblance of the Host, and this, to +nourish me with Thine own substance! O Jesus! forgive me if I tell +Thee that Thy Love reacheth even unto folly. And in face of this +folly, what wilt Thou, but that my heart leap up to Thee? How +could my trust have any limits? + +I know that the Saints have made themselves as fools for Thy sake; +being 'eagles,' they have done great things. I am too little for +great things, and my folly it is to hope that Thy Love accepts me +as victim; my folly it is to count on the aid of Angels and +Saints, in order that I may fly unto Thee with thine own wings, O +my Divine Eagle! For as long a time as Thou willest I shall +remain--my eyes fixed upon Thee. I long to be allured by Thy +Divine Eyes; I would become Love's prey. I have the hope that Thou +wilt one day swoop down upon me, and, bearing me away to the +Source of all Love, Thou wilt plunge me at last into that glowing +abyss, that I may become for ever its happy Victim. + +O Jesus! would that I could tell all _little souls_ of Thine +ineffable condescension! I feel that if by any possibility Thou +couldst find one weaker than my own, Thou wouldst take delight in +loading her with still greater favours, provided that she +abandoned herself with entire confidence to Thine Infinite Mercy. +But, O my Spouse, why these desires of mine to make known the +secrets of Thy Love? Is it not Thyself alone Who hast taught them +to me, and canst Thou not unveil them to others? Yea! I know it, +and this I implore Thee! . . . + +I ENTREAT THEE TO LET THY DIVINE EYES REST UPON A VAST NUMBER OF +LITTLE SOULS, I ENTREAT THEE TO CHOOSE, IN THIS WORLD, A LEGION OF +LITTLE VICTIMS OF THY LOVE. +_____________________________ + +[1] Cant. 1:3. + +[2] Cf. John 17. + +[3] Luke 15:31. + +[4] John 6:44. + +[5] Ps. 49[50]:9-14. + +[6] John 4:7. + +[7] Cf. Luke 2:19. + +[8] Tob. 12:7. + +[9] The Venerable Mother Anne of Jesus--in the world, Anne of +Lobera--was born in Spain in 1545. She entered the Carmelite +Order in 1570, in the first convent of St. Joseph of Avila, and +shortly afterwards became the counsellor and coadjutor of St. +Teresa, who called her, "her daughter and her crown." St. John of +the Cross, who was her spiritual director for fourteen years, +described her as "a seraph incarnate," and her prudence and +sanctity were held in such esteem that the most learned men +consulted her in their doubts, and accepted her answers as +oracles. She was always faithful to the spirit of St. Teresa, and +had received from Heaven the mission to restore the Carmel to its +primitive perfection. Having founded three convents of the Reform +in Spain, she established one in France, and another in Belgium. +She died in the odor of sanctity in the Carmel of Brussels on +March 4, 1621. On May 3, 1878, His Holiness Pope Leo XIII signed +the Decree introducing the Cause of her Beatification. + +[10] Matt. 8:10. + +[11] St. Francis of Assisi, out of humility, refused to accept the +sublime dignity of the Priesthood, and remained a Deacon until his +death. [Ed.] + +[12] An allusion to the beautiful words of the martyr St. Ignatius +of Antioch, uttered when he heard the roar of the lions in the +Roman arena. "I am the wheat of Christ; let me be ground by the +teeth of the wild beasts, that I may become clean bread." [Ed.] + +[13] St. John of the Cross. + +[14] 1 Cor. 12:31. + +[15] St. John of the Cross. + +[16] Cf. Luke 16:9. + +[17] Luke 16:8. + +[18] St. John of the Cross. + +[19] Isa. 38:14. + +[20] Matt. 9:15. + +_____________________________ + + +END OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY + +_____________________________ + + +EPILOGUE: A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +"Many pages of this story"--said its writer--"will never be read +upon earth." It is necessary to repeat and emphasize her words. +There are sufferings which are not to be disclosed here below; Our +Lord has jealously reserved to Himself the right to reveal their +merit and glory, in the clear vision where all veils shall be +removed. "My God," she cried on the day of her religious +profession, "give me martyrdom of soul or body . . . or rather +give me both the one and the other!" And Our Lord Who, as she +herself avowed, fulfilled all her desires, granted this one also, +and in more abundant measure than the rest. He caused "the floods +of infinite tenderness pent up in His Divine Heart to overflow +into the soul of His little Spouse." This was the "Martyrdom of +Love," so well described in her melodious song. But it was her own +doctrine that, "to dedicate oneself as a Victim of Love is not to +be dedicated to sweetness and consolations; it is to offer oneself +to all that is painful and bitter, because Love lives only by +sacrifice . . . and the more we would surrender ourselves to Love, +the more we must surrender ourselves to suffering." + +Therefore, because she desired to attain "the loftiest height of +Love," the Divine Master led her thither by the rugged path of +sorrow, and it was only on its bleak summit that she died a +_Victim of Love._ + +. . . . . . . + +We have seen how great was her sacrifice in leaving her happy home +and the Father who loved her so tenderly. It may be imagined that +this sacrifice was softened, because at the Carmel she found again +her two elder and dearly loved sisters. On the contrary, this +afforded the young postulant many an occasion for repressing her +strong natural affections. The rules of solitude and silence were +strictly observed, and she only saw her sisters at recreation. Had +she been less mortified, she might often have sat beside them, but +"by preference she sought out the company of those religious who +were least agreeable to her," and no one could tell whether or not +she bore a special affection towards her own sisters. + +Some time after her entrance, she was appointed as "aid" to Sister +Agnes of Jesus, her dear "Pauline"; this was a fresh occasion for +sacrifice. Therese knew that all unnecessary conversation was +forbidden, and therefore she never allowed herself even the least +word. "O my little Mother," she said later, "how I suffered! I +could not open my heart to you, and I thought you no longer knew +me!" + +After five years of this heroic silence, Sister Agnes of Jesus was +elected Prioress. On the evening of the election Therese might +well have rejoiced that henceforth she could speak freely to her +"little Mother," and, as of old, pour out her soul. But sacrifice +had become her daily food. If she sought one favour more than +another, it was that she might be looked on as the lowest and the +least; and, among all the religious, not one saw less of the +Mother Prioress. + +She desired to live the life of Carmel with all the perfection +required by St. Teresa, and, although a martyr to habitual +dryness, her prayer was continuous. On one occasion a novice, +entering her cell, was struck by the heavenly expression of her +countenance. She was sewing industriously, and yet seemed lost in +deep contemplation. "What are you thinking of?" the young Sister +asked. "I am meditating on the 'Our Father,'" Therese answered. +"It is so sweet to call God, 'Our Father!'" . . . and tears +glistened in her eyes. Another time she said, "I cannot well see +what more I shall have in Heaven than I have now; I shall see God, +it is true, but, as to being with Him, I am that already even on +earth." + +The flame of Divine Love consumed her, and this is what she +herself relates: "A few days after the oblation of myself to God's +Merciful Love, I was in the choir, beginning the Way of the Cross, +when I felt myself suddenly wounded by a dart of fire so ardent +that I thought I should die. I do not know how to explain this +transport; there is no comparison to describe the intensity of +that flame. It seemed as though an invisible force plunged me +wholly into fire. . . . But oh! what fire! what sweetness!" + +When Mother Prioress asked her if this rapture was the first she +had experienced, she answered simply: "Dear Mother, I have had +several transports of love, and one in particular during my +Noviciate, when I remained for a whole week far removed from this +world. It seemed as though a veil were thrown over all earthly +things. But, I was not then consumed by a real fire. I was able to +bear those transports of love without expecting to see the ties +that bound me to earth give way; whilst, on the day of which I now +speak, one minute--one second--more and my soul must have been set +free. Alas! I found myself again on earth, and dryness at once +returned to my heart." True, the Divine Hand had withdrawn the +fiery dart--but the wound was unto death! + +In that close union with God, Therese acquired a remarkable +mastery over self. All sweet virtues flourished in the garden of +her soul, but do not let us imagine that these wondrous flowers +grew without effort on her part. + +"In this world there is no fruitfulness without suffering--either +physical pain, secret sorrow, or trials known sometimes only to +God. When good thoughts and generous resolutions have sprung up in +our souls through reading the lives of the Saints, we ought not to +content ourselves, as in the case of profane books, with paying a +certain tribute of admiration to the genius of their authors--we +should rather consider the price which, doubtless, they have paid +for that supernatural good they have produced."[1] + +And, if to-day Therese transforms so many hearts, and the good she +does on earth is beyond reckoning, we may well believe she bought +it all at the price with which Jesus bought back our souls: by +suffering and the Cross! + +Not the least of these sufferings was the unceasing war she waged +against herself, refusing every satisfaction to the demands of her +naturally proud and impetuous nature. While still a child she had +acquired the habit of never excusing herself or making a +complaint; at the Carmel she strove to be the little servant of +her Sisters in religion, and in that same spirit of humility she +endeavoured to obey all without distinction. + +One evening, during her illness, the Community had assembled in +the garden to sing a hymn before an Altar of the Sacred Heart. +Soeur Therese, who was already wasted by fever, joined them with +difficulty, and, arriving quite exhausted, was obliged to sit down +at once. When the hymn began, one of the Sisters made her a sign +to stand up. Without hesitation, the humble child rose, and, in +spite of the fever and great oppression from which she was +suffering, remained standing to the end. + +The Infirmarian had advised her to take a little walk in the +garden for a quarter of an hour each day. This recommendation was +for her a command. One afternoon a Sister, noticing what an effort +it cost her, said: "Soeur Therese, you would do much better to +rest; walking like this cannot do you any good. You only tire +yourself!" "That is true," she replied, "but, do you know what +gives me strength? I offer each step for some missionary. I think +that possibly, over there, far away, one of them is weary and +tired in his apostolic labours, and to lessen his fatigue I offer +mine to the Good God." + +She gave her novices some beautiful examples of detachment. One +year the relations of the Sisters and the servants of the Convent +had sent bouquets of flowers for Mother Prioress's feast. Therese +was arranging them most tastefully, when a Lay-sister said +crossly: "It is easy to see that the large bouquets have been +given by your friends. I suppose those sent by the poor will again +be put in the background!" . . . A sweet smile was the only reply, +and notwithstanding the unpleasing effect, she immediately put the +flowers sent by the servants in the most conspicuous place. + +Struck with admiration, the Lay-sister went at once to the +Prioress to accuse herself of her unkindness, and to praise the +patience and humility shown by Soeur Therese. + +After the death of Therese that same Sister, full of confidence, +pressed her forehead against the feet of the saintly nun, once +more asking forgiveness for her fault. At the same instant she +felt herself cured of cerebral anaemia, from which she had suffered +for many years, and which had prevented her from applying herself +either to reading or mental prayer. + +Far from avoiding humiliations, Soeur Therese sought them eagerly, +and for that reason she offered herself as "aid" to a Sister who, +she well knew, was difficult to please, and her generous proposal +was accepted. One day, when she had suffered much from this +Sister, a novice asked her why she looked so happy. Great was her +surprise on receiving the reply: "It is because Sister N. has just +been saying disagreeable things to me. What pleasure she has given +me! I wish I could meet her now, and give her a sweet smile." . . +. As she was still speaking, the Sister in question knocked at the +door, and the astonished novice could see for herself how the +Saints forgive. Soeur Therese acknowledged later on, she "soared +so high above earthly things that humiliations did but make her +stronger." + +To all these virtues she joined a wonderful courage. From her +entrance into the Carmel, at the age of fifteen, she was allowed +to follow all the practices of its austere Rule, the fasts alone +excepted. Sometimes her companions in the noviciate, seeing how +pale she looked, tried to obtain a dispensation for her, either +from the Night Office, or from rising at the usual hour in the +morning, but the Mother Prioress would never yield to these +requests. "A soul of such mettle," she would say, "ought not to be +dealt with as a child; dispensations are not meant for her. Let +her be, for God sustains her. Besides, if she is really ill, she +should come and tell me herself."[2] + +But it was always a principle with Therese that "We should go to +the end of our strength before we complain." How many times did +she assist at Matins suffering from vertigo or violent headaches! +"I am able to walk," she would say, "and so I ought to be at my +duty." And, thanks to this undaunted energy, she performed acts +that were heroic. + +It was with difficulty that her delicate stomach accustomed itself +to the frugal fare of the Carmel. Certain things made her ill, but +she knew so well how to hide this, that no one ever suspected it. +Her neighbour at table said that she had tried in vain to discover +the dishes that she preferred, and the kitchen Sisters, finding +her so easy to please, invariably served her with what was left. +It was only during her last illness, when she was ordered to say +what disagreed with her, that her mortifications came to light. +"When Jesus wishes us to suffer," she said at that time, "there +can be no evading it. And so, when Sister Mary of the Sacred +Heart[3] was procuratrix, she endeavoured to look after me with a +mother's tenderness. To all appearances, I was well cared for, and +yet what mortifications did she not impose upon me! for she served +me according to her own taste, which was entirely opposed to mine." + +Therese's spirit of sacrifice was far-reaching; she eagerly sought +what was painful and disagreeable, as her rightful share. All that +God asked she gave Him without hesitation or reserve. + +"During my postulancy," she said, "it cost me a great deal to +perform certain exterior penances, customary in our convents, but +I never yielded to these repugnances; it seemed to me that the +image of my Crucified Lord looked at me with beseeching eyes, and +begged these sacrifices." + +Her vigilance was so keen, that she never left unobserved any +little recommendations of the Mother Prioress, or any of the small +rules which render the religious life so meritorious. One of the +old nuns, having remarked her extraordinary fidelity on this +point, ever afterwards regarded her as a Saint. Soeur Therese was +accustomed to say that she never did any great penances. That was +because her fervour counted as nothing the few that were allowed +her. It happened, however, that she fell ill through wearing for +too long a time a small iron Cross, studded with sharp points, +that pressed into her flesh. "Such a trifle would not have caused +this," she said afterwards, "if God had not wished thus to make me +understand that the greater austerities of the Saints are not +meant for me--nor for the souls that walk in the path of +'spiritual childhood.'" + +. . . . . . . + +"The souls that are the most dear to My Father," Our Lord once +said to Saint Teresa, "are those He tries the most, and the +greatness of their trials is the measure of His Love." Therese was +a soul most dear to God, and He was about to fill up the measure +of His Love by making her pass through a veritable martyrdom. The +reader will remember the call on Good Friday, April 3, 1896, when, +to use her own expression, she heard the "distant murmur which +announced the approach of the Bridegroom"; but she had still to +endure long months of pain before the blessed hour of her +deliverance. + +On the morning of that Good Friday, she made so little of the +haemorrhage of the previous night, that Mother Prioress allowed her +to practise all the penances prescribed by the Rule for that day. +In the afternoon, a novice saw her cleaning windows. Her face was +livid, and, in spite of her great energy, it was evident that her +strength was almost spent. Seeing her fatigue, the novice, who +loved her dearly, burst into tears, and begged leave to obtain her +some little reprieve. But the young novice-mistress strictly +forbade her, saying that she was quite able to bear this slight +fatigue on the day on which Jesus had suffered and died. + +Soon a persistent cough made the Mother Prioress feel anxious; she +ordered Soeur Therese a more strengthening diet, and the cough +ceased for some time. "Truly sickness is too slow a liberator," +exclaimed our dear little Sister, "I can only rely upon Love." + +She was strongly tempted to respond to the appeal of the +Carmelites of Hanoi, who much desired to have her, and began a +novena to the Venerable Theophane Venard[4] to obtain her cure, +but alas! that novena proved but the beginning of a more serious +phase of her malady. + +Like her Divine Master, she passed through the world doing good; +like Him, she had been forgotten and unknown, and now, still +following in His Footsteps, she was to climb the hill of Calvary. +Accustomed to see her always suffering, yet always joyous and +brave, Mother Prioress, doubtless inspired by God, allowed her to +take part in the Community exercises, some of which tired her +extremely. At night, she would courageously mount the stairs +alone, pausing at each step to take breath. It was with difficulty +that she reached her cell, and then in so exhausted a state, that +sometimes, as she avowed later, it took her quite an hour to +undress. After all this exertion it was upon a hard pallet that +she took her rest. Her nights, too, were very bad, and when asked +if she would not like someone to be near her in her hours of pain, +she replied: "Oh, no! on the contrary, I am only too glad to be in +a cell away from my Sisters, that I may not be heard. I am content +to suffer alone--as soon as I am pitied and loaded with +attentions, my happiness leaves me." + +What strength of soul these words betray! Where we find sorrow she +found joy. What to us is to hard to bear--being overlooked and +ignored by creatures--became to her a source of delight. And her +Divine Spouse knew well how to provide that bitter joy she found +so sweet. Painful remedies had often to be applied. One day, when +she had suffered from them more than usual, she was resting in her +cell during recreation, and overheard a Sister in the kitchen +speaking of her thus: "Soeur Therese will not live long, and +really sometimes I wonder what our Mother Prioress will find to +say about her when she dies.[5] She will be sorely puzzled, for +this little Sister, amiable as she is, has certainly never done +anything worth speaking about." The Infirmarian, who had also +overheard the remark, turned to Therese and said: "If you relied +upon the opinion of creatures you would indeed be disillusioned +today." "The opinion of creatures!" she replied; "happily God has +given me the grace to be absolutely indifferent to that. Let me +tell you something which showed me, once and for all, how much it +is worth. A few days after my Clothing, I went to our dear +Mother's room, and one of the Sisters who happened to be there, +said on seeing me: 'Dear Mother, this novice certainly does you +credit. How well she looks! I hope she may be able to observe the +Rule for many years to come.' I was feeling decidedly pleased at +this compliment when another Sister came in, and, looking at me, +said: 'Poor little Soeur Therese, how very tired you seem! You +quite alarm me. If you do not soon improve, I am afraid you will +not be able to keep the Rule very long.' I was then only sixteen, +but this little incident made such an impression on me, that I +never again set store on the varying opinion of creatures." + +On another occasion someone remarked: "It is said that you have +never suffered much." Smiling, she pointed to a glass containing +medicine of a bright red colour. "You see this little glass?" she +said. "One would suppose that it contained a most delicious +draught, whereas, in reality, it is more bitter than anything else +I take. It is the image of my life. To others it has been all rose +colour; they have thought that I continually drank of a most +delicious wine; yet to me it has been full of bitterness. I say +bitterness, and yet my life has not been a bitter one, for I have +learned to find my joy and sweetness in all that is bitter." + +"You are suffering very much just now, are you not?" "Yes, but +then I have so longed to suffer." "How it distresses us to see you +in such pain, and to think that it may increase!" said her novices. + +"Oh! Do not grieve about me. I have reached a point where I can no +longer suffer, because all suffering is become so sweet. Besides, +it is quite a mistake to trouble yourselves as to what I may still +have to undergo. It is like meddling with God's work. We who run +in the way of Love must never allow ourselves to be disturbed by +anything. If I did not simply live from one moment to another, it +would be impossible for me to be patient; but I only look at the +present, I forget the past, and I take good care not to forestall +the future. When we yield to discouragement or despair, it is +usually because we think too much about the past and the future. +But pray much for me, for it is often just when I cry to Heaven +for help that I feel most abandoned." + +"How do you manage not to give way to discouragement at such +times?" "I turn to God and all His Saints, and thank them +notwithstanding; I believe they want to see how far my trust may +extend. But the words of Job have not entered my heart in vain: +'Even if God should kill me, I would still trust in Him.'[6] I own +it has taken a long time to arrive at this degree of +self-abandonment; but I have reached it now, and it is the Lord +Himself Who has brought me there." + +Another time she said: "Our Lord's Will fills my heart to the +brim, and hence, if aught else is added, it cannot penetrate to +any depth, but, like oil on the surface of limpid waters, glides +easily across. If my heart were not already brimming over, and +must needs be filled by the feelings of joy and sadness that +alternate so rapidly, then indeed would it be flooded by a wave of +bitter pain; but these quick-succeeding changes scarcely ruffle +the surface of my soul, and in its depths there reigns a peace +that nothing can disturb." + +And yet her soul was enveloped in thick darkness, and her +temptations against Faith, ever conquered but ever returning, were +there to rob her of all feeling of happiness at the thought of her +approaching death. "Were it not for this trial, which is +impossible to understand," she would say, "I think I should die of +joy at the prospect of soon leaving this earth." + +By this trial, the Divine Master wished to put the finishing +touches to her purification, and thus enable her not only to walk +with rapid steps, but to run in her little way of confidence and +abandonment. Her words repeatedly proved this. "I desire neither +death nor life. Were Our Lord to offer me my choice, I would not +choose. I only will what He wills; it is what He does that I love. +I do not fear the last struggle, nor any pains--however great--my +illness may bring. God has always been my help. He has led me by +the hand from my earliest childhood, and on Him I rely. My agony +may reach the furthest limits, but I am convinced He will never +forsake me." + +Such confidence in God, of necessity stirred the fury of the +devil--of him who, at life's close, tries every ruse to sow the +seeds of despair in the hearts of the dying. + +"Last night I was seized with a terrible feeling of anguish," she +confessed to Mother Agnes of Jesus on one occasion; "I was lost in +darkness, and from out of it came an accursed voice: 'Are you +certain God loves you? Has He Himself told you so? The opinion of +creatures will not justify you in His sight.' These thoughts had +long tortured me, when your little note, like a message from +Heaven, was brought to me. You recalled to me, dear Mother, the +special graces Jesus had lavished upon me, and, as though you had +had a revelation concerning my trial, you assured me I was deeply +loved by God, and was on the eve of receiving from His Hands my +eternal crown. Immediately peace and joy were restored to my +heart. Yet the thought came to me, 'It is my little Mother's +affection that makes her write these words.' Straightway I felt +inspired to take up the Gospels, and, opening the book at random, +I lighted on a passage which had hitherto escaped me: 'He whom God +hath sent speaketh the Words of God, for God doth not give the +Spirit by measure.'[7] Then I fell asleep fully consoled. It was +you, dear Mother, whom the Good God sent me, and I must believe +you, because you speak the Words of God." + +For several days, during the month of August, Therese remained, so +to speak, beside herself, and implored that prayers might be +offered for her. She had never before been seen in this state, and +in her inexpressible anguish she kept repeating: "Oh! how +necessary it is to pray for the agonising! If one only knew!" + +One night she entreated the Infirmarian to sprinkle her bed with +Holy Water, saying: "I am besieged by the devil. I do not see him, +but I feel him; he torments me and holds me with a grip of iron, +that I may not find one crumb of comfort; he augments my woes, +that I may be driven to despair. . . . And I cannot pray. I can +only look at Our Blessed Lady and say: 'Jesus!' How needful is +that prayer we use at Compline: 'Procul recedant somnia et noctium +phantasmata!' ('Free us from the phantoms of the night.') +Something mysterious is happening within me. I am not suffering +for myself, but for some other soul, and satan is angry." The +Infirmarian, startled, lighted a blessed candle, and the spirit of +darkness fled, never to return; but the sufferer remained to the +end in a state of extreme anguish. + +One day, while she was contemplating the beautiful heavens, some +one said to her: "soon your home will be there, beyond the blue +sky. How lovingly you gaze at it!" She only smiled, but afterwards +she said to the Mother Prioress: "Dear Mother, the Sisters do not +realise my sufferings. Just now, when looking at the sky, I merely +admired the beauty of the material heaven--the true Heaven seems +more than ever closed against me. At first their words troubled +me, but an interior voice whispered: 'Yes, you were looking to +Heaven out of love. Since your soul is entirely delivered up to +love, all your actions, even the most indifferent, are marked with +this divine seal.' At once I was consoled." + +In spite of the darkness which enveloped her, her Divine Saviour +sometimes left the door of her prison ajar. Those were moments in +which her soul lost itself in transports of confidence and love. +Thus it happened that on a certain day, when walking in the garden +supported by one of her own sisters, she stopped at the charming +spectacle of a hen sheltering its pretty little ones under its +wing. Her eyes filled with tears, and, turning to her companion, +she said: "I cannot remain here any longer, let us go in!" And +even when she reached her cell, her tears continued to fall, and +it was some time before she could speak. At last she looked at her +sister with a heavenly expression, and said: "I was thinking of +Our Lord, and the beautiful comparison He chose in order to make +us understand His ineffable tenderness. This is what He has done +for me all the days of my life. He has completely hidden me under +His Wing. I cannot express all that has just stirred my heart; it +is well for me that God conceals Himself, and lets me see the +effects of His Mercy but rarely, and as it were from 'behind the +lattices.' Were it not so I could never bear such sweetness." + +. . . . . . . + +Disconsolate at the prospect of losing their treasure, the +Community began a novena to Our Lady of Victories on June 5, 1897, +in the fervent hope that she would once again miraculously raise +the drooping Little Flower. But her answer was the same as that +given by the blessed Martyr, Theophane Venard, and they were +forced to accept with generosity the bitterness of the coming +separation. + +At the beginning of July, her state became very serious, and she +was at last removed to the Infirmary. Seeing her empty cell, and +knowing she would never return to it, Mother Agnes of Jesus said +to her: "When you are no longer with us, how sad I shall feel when +I look at this cell!" + +"For consolation, little Mother, you can think how happy I am up +there, and remember that much of my happiness was acquired in that +little cell; for," she added, raising her beautiful eyes to +Heaven, "I have suffered so much there, and I should have been +happy to die there." + +As she entered the Infirmary she looked towards the miraculous +statue of Our Lady, which had been brought thither. It would be +impossible to describe that look. "What is it you see?" said her +sister Marie, the witness of her miraculous cure as a child. And +Therese answered: "Never has she seemed to me so beautiful . . . +but to-day it is the statue, whereas that other day, as you well +know, it was not the statue!" And from that time she often +received similar consolations. + +One evening she exclaimed: "Oh, how I love Our Blessed Lady! Had I +been a Priest, how I would have sung her praises! She is spoken of +as unapproachable, whereas she should be represented as easy of +imitation. . . . She is more Mother than Queen. I have heard it +said that her splendour eclipses that of all the Saints as the +rising sun makes all the stars disappear. It sounds so strange. +That a Mother should take away the glory of her children! I think +quite the reverse. I believe that she will greatly increase the +splendour of the elect . . . Our Mother Mary! Oh! how simple her +life must have been!" and, continuing her discourse, she drew such +a sweet and delightful picture of the Holy Family that all present +were lost in admiration. + +A very heavy cross awaited her before going to join her Spouse. +From August 16 to September 30, the happy day of her death, she +was unable to receive Holy Communion, because of her continual +sickness. Few have hungered for the Bread of Angels like this +seraph of earth. Again and again during that last winter of her +life, after nights of intolerable pain, she rose at early morn to +partake of the Manna of Heaven, and she thought no price too heavy +to pay for the bliss of feeding upon God. Before depriving her +altogether of this Heavenly Food, Our Lord often visited her on +her bed of pain. Her Communion on July 16, the feast of Our Lady +of Mount Carmel, was specially touching. During the previous night +she composed some verses which were to be sung before Communion. + +Thou know'st the baseness of my soul, O Lord, Yet fearest not to +stoop and enter me. Come to my heart, O Sacrament adored! Come to +my heart . . . it craveth but for Thee! And when Thou comest, +straightway let me die Of very love for Thee; this boon impart! +Oh, hearken Jesus, to my suppliant cry: Come to my heart! + +In the morning, when the Holy Viaticum was carried to the +Infirmary, the cloisters were thickly strewn with wild flowers and +rose-petals. A young Priest, who was about to say his first Mass +that day in the Chapel of the Carmel, bore the Blessed Sacrament +to the dying Sister; and at her desire, Sister Mary of the +Eucharist--whose voice was exceptionally sweet--sang the following +couplet: + +Sweet martyrdom! to die of love's keen fire: +The martyrdom of which my heart is fain! +Hasten, ye Cherubim, to tune your lyre; +I shall not linger long in exile's pain! +. . . . . . . + +Fulfill my dream, O Jesus, since I sigh +Of love to die! + +A few days later Therese grew worse, and on July 30 she received +Extreme Unction. Radiant with delight the little Victim of Love +said to us: "The door of my dark prison is ajar. I am steeped in +joy, especially since our Father Superior has assured me that +to-day my soul is like unto that of a little child after Baptism." + +No doubt she thought she was quickly to join the white-robed band +of the Holy Innocents. She little knew that two long months of +martyrdom had still to run their course. "Dear Mother," she said, +"I entreat you, give me leave to die. Let me offer my life for +such and such an intention"--naming it to the Prioress. And when +the permission was refused, she replied: "Well, I know that just +at this moment Our Lord has such a longing for a tiny bunch of +grapes--which no one will give Him--that He will perforce have to +come and steal it. . . . I do not ask anything; this would be to +stray from my path of self-surrender. I only beseech Our Lady to +remind her Jesus of the title of _Thief,_ which He takes to +Himself in the Gospels, so that He may not forget to come and +carry me away." + +. . . . . . . + +One day Soeur Therese took an ear of corn from a sheaf they had +brought her. It was so laden with grain that it bent on its stalk, +and after gazing upon it for some time she said to the Mother +Prioress: "Mother, that ear of corn is the image of my soul. God +has loaded it with graces for me and for many others. And it is my +dearest wish ever to bend beneath the weight of God's gifts, +acknowledging that all comes from Him." + +She was right. Her soul was indeed laden with graces, and it was +easy to discern the Spirit of God speaking His praises out of the +mouth of that innocent child. + +Had not this Spirit of Truth already dictated these words to the +great Teresa of Avila: + +"Let those souls who have reached to perfect union with God hold +themselves in high esteem, with a humble and holy presumption. Let +them keep unceasingly before their eyes the remembrance of the +good things they have received, and beware of the thought that +they are practising humility in not recognising the gifts of God. +Is it not clear that the constant remembrance of gifts bestowed +serves to increase the love of the giver? How can he who ignores +the riches he possesses, spend them generously upon others?" + +But the above was not the only occasion on which the "little +Therese of Lisieux"[8] gave utterance to words that proved +prophetic. In the month of April, 1895, while she was still in +excellent health, she said in confidence to one of the older nuns: +"I shall die soon. I do not say that it will be in a few months, +but in two or three years at most; I know it because of what is +taking place in my soul." + +The novices betrayed surprise when she read their inmost thoughts. +"This is my secret," she said to them: "I never reprimand you +without first invoking Our Blessed Lady, and asking her to inspire +me as to what will be most for your good, and I am often +astonished myself at the things I teach you. At such times I feel +that I make no mistake, and that it is Jesus Who speak by my lips." + +During her illness one of her sisters had experienced some moments +of acute distress, amounting almost to discouragement, at the +thought of the inevitable parting. Immediately afterwards she went +to the Infirmary, but was careful not to let any sign of grief be +seen. What was her surprise when Therese, in a sad and serious +tone, thus addressed her: "We ought not to weep like those who +have no hope." + +One of the Mothers, having come to visit her, did her a trifling +service. "How happy I should be," thought the Mother, "if this +Angel would only say: 'I will repay you in Heaven!' At that +instant Soeur Therese, turning to her, said: "Mother, I will repay +you in Heaven!" + +But more surprising than all, was her consciousness of the mission +for which Our Lord had destined her. The veil which hides the +future seemed lifted, and more than once she revealed to us its +secrets, in prophecies which have already been realised. + +"I have never given the Good God aught but love; it is with Love +He will repay. + +AFTER MY DEATH I WILL LET FALL A SHOWER OF ROSES." + +At another time she interrupted a Sister, who was speaking to her +of the happiness of Heaven, by the sublime words: "It is not that +which attracts me." + +"And what attracts you?" asked the other. "Oh! it is Love! To +love, to be beloved, and _to return to earth to win love for our +Love!"_ + +One evening, she welcomed Mother Agnes of Jesus with an +extraordinary expression of joy: "Mother!" she said, "some notes +from a concert far away have just reached my ears, and have made +me think that soon I shall be listening to the wondrous melodies +of Paradise. The thought, however, gave me but a moment's joy--one +hope alone makes my heart beat fast: the Love that I shall receive +and the Love I shall be able to give! + +"I feel that my mission is soon to begin--my mission to make +others love God as I love Him . . . to each souls my _little way_ +. . . + +I WILL SPEND MY HEAVEN IN DOING GOOD UPON EARTH. + +Nor is this impossible, since from the very heart of the Beatific +Vision, the Angels keep watch over us. No, there can be no rest +for me until the end of the world. But when the Angel shall have +said: 'Time is no more!' then I shall rest, then I shall be able +to rejoice, because the number of the elect will be complete." + +"And what is this _little way_ that you would teach to souls?" + +"IT IS THE WAY OF SPIRITUAL CHILDHOOD, THE WAY OF TRUST AND +ABSOLUTE SELF-SURRENDER. + +I want to point out to them the means that I have always found so +perfectly successful, to tell them that there is but one thing to +do here below: we must offer Jesus _the flowers of little +sacrifices_ and win Him by a caress. That is how I have won Him, +and that is why I shall be made so welcome." + +"Should I guide you wrongly by my _little way_ of love," she said +to a novice, "do not fear that I shall allow you to continue +therein; I should soon come back to the earth, and tell you to +take another road. If I do not return, then believe in the truth +of these my words: We can never have too much confidence in the +Good God, He is so mighty, so merciful. As we hope in Him so shall +we receive." + +On the eve of the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, a novice said +to her: "I think that if you were to die to-morrow, after Holy +Communion, I should be quite consoled--it would be such a +beautiful death!" Therese answered quickly: "Die after Holy +Communion! Upon a great feast! Nay, not so. _In my 'little way' +everything is most ordinary; all that I do, little souls must be +able to do likewise."_ + +And to one of her missionary brothers she wrote: "What draws me to +my Heavenly Home is the summons of my Lord, together with the hope +that at length I shall love Him as my heart desires, and shall be +able to make Him loved by a multitude of souls who will bless Him +throughout eternity." + +And in another letter to China: "I trust fully that I shall not +remain idle in Heaven; my desire is to continue my work for the +Church and for souls. I ask this of God, and I am convinced He +will hear my prayer. You see that if I quit the battle-field so +soon, it is not from a selfish desire of repose. For a long time +now, suffering has been my Heaven here upon earth, and I can +hardly conceive how I shall become acclimatised to a land where +joy is unmixed with sorrow. Jesus will certainly have to work a +complete change in my soul--else I could never support the +ecstasies of Paradise." + +It was quite true, suffering had become her Heaven upon earth--she +welcomed it as we do happiness. "When I suffer much," she would +say, "when something painful or disagreeable happens to me, +instead of a melancholy look, I answer by a smile. At first I did +not always succeed, but now it has become a habit which I am glad +to have acquired." + +A certain Sister entertained doubts concerning the patience of +Therese. One day, during a visit, she remarked that the invalid's +face wore an expression of unearthly joy, and she sought to know +the reason. "It is because the pain is so acute just now," Therese +replied; "I have always forced myself to love suffering and to +give it a glad welcome." "Why are you so bright this morning?" +asked Mother Agnes of Jesus. "Because of two little crosses. +Nothing gives me 'little joys' like 'little crosses.'" And another +time: "You have had many trials to-day?" "Yes, but I love them! +. . . I love all the Good God sends me!" "Your sufferings are +terrible!" "No--they are not terrible: can a little Victim of Love +find anything terrible that is sent by her Spouse? Each moment He +sends me what I am able to bear, and nothing more, and if He +increase the pain, my strength is increased as well. But I could +never ask for greater sufferings--I am too little a soul. They +would then be of my own choice. I should have to bear them all +without Him, and I have never been able to do anything when left +to myself." + +Thus spoke that wise and prudent Virgin on her deathbed, and her +lamp, filled to the brim with the oil of virtue, burned brightly +to the end. If, as the Holy Spirit reminds us in the Book of +Proverbs: _"A man's doctrine is proved by his patience,"_[9] those +who have heard her may well believe in her doctrine, for she has +proved it by a patience no test could overcome. + +At each visit the doctor expressed his admiration. "If only you +knew what she has to endure! I have never seen any one suffer so +intensely with such a look of supernatural joy. . . . I shall not +be able to cure her; she was not made for this earth." In view of +her extreme weakness, he ordered some strengthening remedies. +Therese was at first distressed because of their cost, but she +afterwards admitted: "I am no longer troubled at having to take +those expensive remedies, for I have read that when they were +given to St. Gertrude, she was gladdened by the thought that it +would redound to the good of our benefactors, since Our Lord +Himself has said: 'Whatever you do to the least of My little ones, +you do unto Me.'"[10] "I am convinced that medicines are powerless +to cure me," she added, "but I have made a covenant with God that +the poor missionaries who have neither time nor means to take care +of themselves may profit thereby." + +She was much moved by the constant gifts of flowers made to her by +her friends outside the Convent, and again by the visits of a +sweet little redbreast that loved to play about her bed. She saw +in these things the Hand of God. "Mother, I feel deeply the many +touching proofs of God's Love for me. I am laden with them . . . +nevertheless, I continue in the deepest gloom! . . . I suffer much +. . . very much! and yet my state is one of profound peace. All my +longings have been realised . . . I am full of confidence." + +Shortly afterwards she told me this touching little incident: "One +evening, during the 'Great Silence,' the Infirmarian brought me a +hot-water bottle for my feet, and put tincture of iodine on my +chest. I was in a burning fever, and parched with thirst, and, +whilst submitting to these remedies, I could not help saying to +Our Lord: 'My Jesus, Thou seest I am already burning, and they +have brought me more heat and fire. Oh! if they had brought me +even half a glass of water, what a comfort it would have been! +. . . My Jesus! Thy little child is so thirsty. But she is glad to +have this opportunity of resembling Thee more closely, and thus +helping Thee to save souls.' The Infirmarian soon left me, and I +did not expect to see her again until the following morning. What +was my surprise when she returned a few minutes later with a +refreshing drink! 'It has just struck me that you may be thirsty,' +she said, 'so I shall bring you something every evening.' I looked +at her astounded, and when I was once more alone, I melted into +tears. Oh! how good Jesus is! how tender and loving! How easy it +is to reach His Heart!" + +. . . . . . . + +On September 6, the little Spouse of Jesus received a touching +proof of the loving thought of His Sacred Heart. She had +frequently expressed a wish to possess a relic of her special +patron, the Venerable Theophane Venard, but as her desire was not +realised, she said no more. She was quite overcome, therefore, +when Mother Prioress brought her the longed-for treasure--received +that very day. She kissed it repeatedly, and would not consent to +part with it. + +It may be asked why she was so devoted to this young Martyr. She +herself explained the reason in an affectionate interview with her +own sisters: "Theophane Venard is a _little_ saint; his life was +not marked by anything extraordinary. He had an ardent devotion to +Our Immaculate Mother and a tender love of his own family." +Dwelling on these words she added: "And I, too, love my family +with a tender love; I fail to understand those Saints who do not +share my feelings. As a parting gift I have copied for you some +passages from his last letters home. His soul and mine have many +points of resemblance, and his words do but re-echo my thoughts." + +We give here a copy of that letter, which one might have believed +was composed by Therese herself: + +"I can find nothing on earth that can make me truly happy; the +desires of my heart are too vast, and nothing of what the world +calls happiness can satisfy it. Time for me will soon be no more, +my thoughts are fixed on Eternity. My heart is full of peace, like +a tranquil lake or a cloudless sky. I do not regret this life on +earth. I thirst for the waters of Life Eternal. + +"Yet a little while and my soul will have quitted this earth, will +have finished her exile, will have ended her combat. I go to +Heaven. I am about to enter the Abode of the Blessed--to see what +the eye hath never seen, to hear what the ear hath never heard, to +enjoy those things the heart of man hath not conceived . . . I +have reached the hour so coveted by us all. It is indeed true that +Our Lord chooses the little ones to confound the great ones of +this earth. I do not rely upon my own strength but upon Him Who, +on the Cross, vanquished the powers of hell. + +"I am a spring flower which the Divine Master culls for His +pleasure. We are all flowers, planted on this earth, and God will +gather us in His own good time--some sooner, some later . . . I, +little flower of one day, am the first to be gathered! But we +shall meet again in Paradise, where lasting joy will be our +portion. + +"Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus, using the words of the angelic +martyr--Theophane Venard." + +Toward the end of September, when something was repeated to her +that had been said at recreation, concerning the responsibility of +those who have care of souls, she seemed to revive a little and +gave utterance to these beautiful words: "To him that is little, +mercy is granted.[11] It is possible to remain _little_ even in +the most responsible position, and is it not written that, at the +last day, 'the Lord will arise to save the meek and lowly ones of +the earth'?[12] He does not say 'to judge,' but 'to save!'" + +As time went on, the tide of suffering rose higher and higher, and +she became so weak, that she was unable to make the slightest +movement without assistance. Even to hear anyone whisper increased +her discomfort; and the fever and oppression were so extreme that +it was with the greatest difficulty she was able to articulate a +word. And yet a sweet smile was always on her lips. Her only fear +was lest she should give her Sisters any extra trouble, and until +two days before her death she would never allow any one to remain +with her during the night. However, in spite of her entreaties, +the Infirmarian would visit her from time to time. On one occasion +she found Therese with hands joined and eyes raised to Heaven. +"What are you doing?" she asked; "you ought to try and go to +sleep." "I cannot, Sister, I am suffering too much, so I am +praying. . . ." "And what do you say to Jesus?" "I say nothing--I +only love Him!" + +"Oh! how good God is!" . . . she sometimes exclaimed. "Truly He +must be very good to give me strength to bear all I have to +suffer." One day she said to the Mother Prioress: "Mother, I would +like to make known to you the state of my soul; but I cannot, I +feel too much overcome just now." In the evening Therese sent her +these lines, written in pencil with a trembling hand: + +"O my God! how good Thou art to the little Victim of Thy Merciful +Love! Now, even when Thou joinest these bodily pains to those of +my soul, I cannot bring myself to say: 'The anguish of death hath +encompassed me.'[13] I rather cry out in my gratitude: 'I have +gone down into the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no +evil, because Thou, O Lord, art with me.'"[14] + +Her little Mother said to her: "Some think that you are afraid of +death." "That may easily come to pass," she answered; "I do not +rely on my own feelings, for I know how frail I am. It will be +time enough to bear that cross if it comes, meantime I wish to +rejoice in my present happiness. When the Chaplain asked me if I +was resigned to die, I answered: 'Father, I need rather to be +resigned to live--I feel nothing but joy at the thought of death.' +Do not be troubled, dear Mother, if I suffer much and show no sign +of happiness at the end. Did not Our Lord Himself die 'a Victim of +Love,' and see how great was His Agony!" + +. . . . . . . + +At last dawned the eternal day. It was Thursday, September 30, +1897. In the morning, the sweet Victim, her eyes fixed on Our +Lady's statue, spoke thus of her last night on earth: "Oh! with +what fervour I have prayed to her! . . . And yet it has been pure +agony, without a ray of consolation. . . . Earth's air is failing +me: when shall I breathe the air of Heaven?" + +For weeks she had been unable to raise herself in bed, but, at +half-past two in the afternoon, she sat up and exclaimed: "Dear +Mother, the chalice is full to overflowing! I could never have +believed that it was possible to suffer so intensely. . . . I can +only explain it by my extreme desire to save souls. . . ." And a +little while after: "Yes, all that I have written about my thirst +for suffering is really true! I do not regret having surrendered +myself to Love." + +She repeated these last words several times. A little later she +added: "Mother, prepare me to die well." The good Mother Prioress +encouraged her with these words: "My child, you are quite ready to +appear before God, for you have always understood the virtue of +humility." Then, in striking words, Therese bore witness to +herself: + +"Yes, I feel it; my soul has ever sought the truth. . . . I have +understood humility of heart!" + +. . . . . . . + +At half-past four, her agony began--the agony of this "Victim of +Divine Love." When the Community gathered round her, she thanked +them with the sweetest smile, and then, completely given over to +love and suffering, the Crucifix clasped in her failing hands, she +entered on the final combat. The sweat of death lay heavy on her +brow . . . she trembled . . . but, as a pilot, when close to +harbour, is not dismayed by the fury of the storm, so this soul, +strong in faith, saw close at hand the beacon-lights of Heaven, +and valiantly put forth every effort to reach the shore. + +As the convent bells rang the evening Angelus, she fixed an +inexpressible look upon the statue of the Immaculate Virgin, the +Star of the Sea. Was it not the moment to repeat her beautiful +prayer: + +"O thou who camest to smile on me in the morn of my life, come +once again and smile, Mother, for now it is eventide!"[15] + +A few minutes after seven, turning to the Prioress, the poor +little Martyr asked: "Mother, is it not the agony? . . . am I not +going to die?" "Yes, my child, it is the agony, but Jesus perhaps +wills that it be prolonged for some hours." In a sweet and +plaintive voice she replied: "Ah, very well then . . . very well +. . . I do not wish to suffer less!" + +Then, looking at her crucifix: + +"Oh! . . . I love Him! . . . My God, I . . . love . . . Thee!" + +These were her last words. She had scarcely uttered them when, to +our great surprise, she sank down quite suddenly, her head +inclined a little to the right, in the attitude of the Virgin +Martyrs offering themselves to the sword; or rather, as a Victim +of Love, awaiting from the Divine Archer the fiery shaft, by which +she longs to die. + +Suddenly she raised herself, as though called by a mysterious +voice; and opening her eyes, which shone with unutterable +happiness and peace, fixed her gaze a little above the statue of +Our Lady. Thus she remained for about the space of a _Credo,_ when +her blessed soul, now become the prey of the "Divine Eagle," was +borne away to the heights of Heaven. + +. . . . . . . + +A few days before her death, this little Saint had said: "The +death of Love which I so much desire is that of Jesus upon the +Cross." Her prayer was fully granted. Darkness enveloped her, and +her soul was steeped in anguish. And yet, may we not apply to her +also that sublime prophecy of St. John of the Cross, referring to +souls consumed by the fire of Divine Love: "They die Victims of +the onslaughts of Love, in raptured ecstasies--like the swan, +whose song grows sweeter as death draws nigh. Wherefore the +Psalmist declared: 'Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death +of His Saints.'[16] For then it is that the rivers of love burst +forth from the soul and are whelmed in the Ocean of Divine Love." + +No sooner had her spotless soul taken its flight than the joy of +that last rapture imprinted itself on her brow, and a radiant +smile illumined her face. We placed a palm-branch in her hand; and +the lilies and roses that adorned her in death were figures of her +white robe of baptism made red by her Martyrdom of Love. + +On the Saturday and Sunday a large crowd passed before the grating +of the nuns' chapel, to gaze on the mortal remains of the "Little +Flower of Jesus." Hundreds of medals and rosaries were brought to +touch the "Little Queen" as she lay in the triumphant beauty of +her last sleep. + +. . . . . . . + +On October 4, the day of the funeral, there gathered in the Chapel +of the Carmel a goodly company of Priests. The honour was surely +due to one who had prayed so earnestly for those called to that +sacred office. After a last solemn blessing, this grain of +priceless wheat was cast into the furrow by the hands of Holy +Mother Church. + +Who shall tell how many ripened ears have sprung forth since, how +many the sheaves that are yet to come? "Amen, amen, I say to you, +unless the grain of wheat, falling into the ground, die, itself +remaineth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit."[17] +Once more the word of the Divine Reaper has been magnificently +fulfilled. + +THE PRIORESS OF THE CARMEL. +_____________________________ + +[1] Dom Gueranger. + +[2] Mother Mary of Gonzaga died Dec. 17, 1904, at the age of 71. +Mother Agnes of Jesus (Pauline) was at that time Prioress. The +former--herself of the line of St. Antony of Padua--recognized in +Soeur Therese "an heroic soul, filled with holiness, and capable +of becoming one day an excellent Prioress." With this end in view, +she trained her with a strictness for which the young Saint was +most grateful. In the arms of Mother Mary of Gonzaga the "Little +Flower of Jesus" was welcomed to the Carmel, and in those arms she +died--"happy," she declared, "not to have in that hour as +Superioress her 'little Mother,' in order the better to exercise +her spirit of faith in authority." [Ed.] + +[3] As will be remembered, this was Marie, her eldest sister. [Ed.] + +[4] The Blessed Theophane Venard was born at St. Loup, in the +diocese of Poitiers, on the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lady, +Nov. 21, 1829. He was martyred at Kecho, Tong-King, on the Feast +of the Presentation of Our Lord, Feb. 2, 1861, at the age of 32. A +long and delightful correspondence with his family, begun in his +college days and completed from his "cage" at Kecho, reveals a +kinship of poesy as well as of sanctity and of the love of home, +between the two "spring flowers." The beauty of his soul was so +visible in his boyish face that he was spared all torture during +his two months in the "cage." In 1909, the year in which Therese +became "Servant of God" by the commencement of the Episcopal +Process, her patron received the honours of Beatification. Another +child of France--Joan, its "Martyr-Maid"--whose praises have been +sung in affectionate verse by the Saints of St. Loup and Lisieux, +was beatified that same year. [Ed.] + +[5] An allusion to the obituary notice sent to each of the French +Carmels when a Carmelite nun dies in that country. In the case of +those who die in the odour of sanctity these notices sometimes run +to considerable length. Four notices issued from the Carmel of +Lisieux are of great interest to the clients of Soeur Therese, and +are in course of publication at the Orphans' Press, Rochdale; +those of the Carmel's saintly Foundress, Mother Genevieve of St. +Teresa, whose death is referred to in Chapter VIII; Mother Mary of +Gonzaga, the Prioress of Therese; Sister Mary of the Eucharist +(Marie Guerin), the cousin of Therese (Chapter III); and most +interesting of all, the long sketch, partly autobiographical, of +Mother Mary of St. Angelus (Marie Ange), the "trophy of Therese," +brought by her intercession to the Carmel in 1902--where the +writer made her acquaintance in the following spring; she became +Prioress in 1908, dying eighteen months later in the odour of +sanctity, aged only 28. [Ed.] + +[6] Cf. Job 13:15. + +[7] John 3:34. + +[8] When asked before her death how they should pray to her in +Heaven, Soeur Therese, with her wonted simplicity, made answer: +"You will call me 'Little Therese'--_petite Therese."_ And at +Gallipoli, on the occasion of her celebrated apparition in the +Carmel there, when the Prioress, taking her to be St. Teresa of +Avila, addressed her as "our holy Mother," the visitor, adopting +her then official title, replied:--"Nay, I am not our holy +Mother, I am the Servant of God, _Soeur Therese of Lisieux_." +This, her own name of Soeur Therese, has been retained in the +present edition, unless where it was advisable to set down her +name in full--Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and of the Holy +Face. The name of the "Little Flower," borrowed by her from the +Blessed Theophane Venard, and used so extensively in the pages of +her manuscript, is the one by which she is best known in +English-speaking lands. [Ed.] + +[9] Cf. Prov. 19:11. + +[10] Matt. 25:49. + +[11] Wisdom 6:7. + +[12] Cf. Ps. 75[76]:10. + +[13] Cf. Ps. 17[18]:5. + +[14] Cf. Ps. 22[23]:4. + +[15] From the last poem written by Soeur Therese. + +[16] Ps. 115[116]:15. + +[17] John 12:24, 25. + +_____________________________ + + +COUNSELS AND REMINISCENCES OF SOEUR THERESE, +THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + +Most of what follows has been gathered from the conversations of +Soeur Therese with her novices. Her advice cannot but prove +helpful to souls within the cloister, and likewise to many in the +world who may be attracted by her simple and easy _little way_ to +God. + +* * * * * * + +One of the novices, greatly discouraged at the thought of her +imperfections, tells us that her mistress spoke to her as follows: + +"You make me think of a little child that is learning to stand but +does not yet know how to walk. In his desire to reach the top of +the stairs to find his mother, he lifts his little foot to climb +the first step. It is all in vain, and at each renewed effort he +falls. Well, be like that little child. Always keep lifting your +foot to climb the ladder of holiness, and do not imagine that you +can mount even the first step. All God asks of you is good will. +From the top of the ladder He looks lovingly upon you, and soon, +touched by your fruitless efforts, He will Himself come down, and, +taking you in His Arms, will carry you to His Kingdom never again +to leave Him. But should you cease to raise your foot, you will be +left for long on the earth." + +* * * * * * + +"The only way to advance rapidly in the path of love is to remain +always very little. That is what I did, and now I can sing with +our holy Father, St. John of the Cross: + +'Then I abased myself so low, so very low, That I ascended to such +heights, such heights indeed, That I did overtake the prey I +chased!'" + +* * * * * * + +Under a temptation which seemed to me irresistible, I said to her: +"This time, I cannot surmount it." She replied: "Why seek to +surmount it? Rather pass beneath. It is all well for great souls +to soar above the clouds when the storm rages; we have simply to +suffer the showers. What does it matter if we get wet? We shall +dry ourselves in the sunshine of love. + +"It recalls a little incident of my childhood. One day a horse was +standing in front of the garden gate, and preventing us from +getting through. My companions talked to him and tried to make him +move off, but while they were still talking I quietly slipped +between his legs . . . Such is the advantage of remaining small." + +* * * * * * + +Our Lord said to the mother of the sons of Zebedee: 'To sit on my +right or left hand is for them for whom it is prepared by my +Father.'[1] I imagine that these chosen places, which have been +refused alike to great Saints and Martyrs, will be reserved for +little children; and did not David foretell it when he said, that +'the little Benjamin will preside amidst the assemblies[2] of the +Saints.'" + +* * * * * * + +"You are wrong to find fault with this thing and with that, or to +try and make everyone see things as you see them. We desire to be +'as little children,' and little children do not know what is +best: to them all seems right. Let us imitate their ways. Besides, +there is no merit in doing what reason dictates." + +* * * * * * + +"My patrons and my special favourites in Heaven are those who, so +to speak, stole it, such as the Holy Innocents and the Good Thief. +The great Saints won it by their works; I wish to be like the +thieves and to win it by stratagem--a stratagem of love which will +open its gates both to me and to poor sinners. In the Book of +Proverbs the Holy Ghost encourages me, for He says: 'Come to me, +little one, to learn subtlety!'"[3] + +* * * * * * + +"What would you do if you could begin over again your religious +life?" + +"I think I should do as I have already done." + +"Then you do not share the feeling of the hermit who said: 'While +a quarter of an hour, or even a breath of life still remains to +me, I shall fear the fires of hell even though I should have spent +long years in penance'?" + +"No, I do not share that fear; I am too small. Little children are +not damned." + +"You are ever seeking to be as little children are, but tell us +what must be done to obtain that childlike spirit. 'Remaining +little'--what does it mean?" + +"'Remaining little' means--to recognise one's nothingness, to +await everything from the Goodness of God, to avoid being too much +troubled at our faults; finally, not to worry over amassing +spiritual riches, not to be solicitous about anything. Even +amongst the poor, while a child is still small, he is given what +is necessary; but, once he is grown up, his father will no longer +feed him, and tells him to seek work and support himself. Well, it +was to avoid hearing this, that I have never wished to grow up, +for I feel incapable of earning my livelihood, which is Life +Eternal!" + +* * * * * * + +In imitation of our saintly Mistress I also wished never to grow +up; she called me therefore "the little one," and during a retreat +she wrote to me the following notes: + +"Do not fear to tell Jesus that you love him, even though you may +not feel that love. In this way you will compel Him to come to +your aid, and to carry you like a little child who is too weak to +walk. + +"It is indeed a great source of trial, when everything looks +black, but this does not depend entirely on yourself. Do all in +your power to detach your heart from earthly cares, especially +from creatures; then be assured Our Lord will do the rest. He +could not permit you to fall into the abyss. Be comforted, little +one! In Heaven everything will no longer look black, but dazzling +white. There all will be clothed in the Divine radiance of Our +Spouse--the Lily of the Valley. Together we will follow Him +whithersoever He goeth. Meantime we must make good use of this +life's brief day. Let us give Our Lord pleasure, let us by +self-sacrifice give Him souls! Above all, let us be little--so +little that everyone might tread us underfoot without our even +seeming to suffer pain. + +"I am not surprised at the failures of the little one; she forgets +that in her role of missionary and warrior she ought to forgo all +childish consolations. It is wrong to pass one's time in fretting, +instead of sleeping on the Heart of Jesus. + +"Should the little one fear the dark of the night, or complain at +not seeing Him who carries her, let her shut her eyes. It is the +one sacrifice God asks. By remaining thus, the dark will cease to +terrify, because she will not see it, and before long, peace--if +not joy--will re-enter her soul." + +* * * * * * + +To help me accept a humiliation she confided to me what follows: + +"If I had not been received into the Carmel, I would have entered +a Refuge, and lived there unknown and despised among the poor +'penitents.' My joy would have been to pass for one, and I would +have become an apostle among my companions, telling them my +thoughts on the Infinite Mercy of God." + +"But how could you have hidden your innocence from your Confessor?" + +"I would have told him that while still in the world I made a +general confession, and that it was forbidden me to repeat it." + +* * * * * * + +"Oh! When I think of all I have to acquire!" + +"Or rather to lose! It is Jesus Who takes upon Himself to fill +your soul according as you rid it of imperfections. I see clearly +that you are mistaking the road, and that you will never arrive at +the end of your journey. You want to climb the mountain, whereas +God wishes you to descend it. He is awaiting you in the fruitful +valley of humility." + +* * * * * * + +"To me it seems that humility is truth. I do not know whether I am +humble, but I do know that I see the truth in all things." + +* * * * * * + +"Indeed you are a Saint!" + +"No, I am not a Saint. I have never wrought the works of a Saint. +_I am but a tiny soul whom Almighty God has loaded with His +favours._ + +"The truth of what I say will be made known to you in Heaven." + +"But have you not always been faithful to those favours?" + +"Yes, _from the age of three I have never refused our Good God +anything._ Still I cannot glorify myself. See how this evening the +tree-tops are gilded by the setting sun. So likewise my soul +appears to you all shining and golden because it is exposed to the +rays of Love. But should the Divine Sun no longer shine thereon, +it would instantly be sunk in gloom." + +"We too would like to become all golden--what must we do?" + +"You must practise the little virtues. This is sometimes +difficult, but God never refuses the first grace--courage for +self-conquest; and if the soul correspond to that grace, she at +once finds herself in God's sunlight. The praise given to Judith +has always struck me: 'Thou hast done manfully, and thy heart has +been strengthened.'[4] In the onset we must act with courage. By +this means the heart gains strength, and victory follows victory." + +* * * * * * + +In conformity with the Rule, Soeur Therese never raised her eyes +in the refectory, and, as I found great difficulty in this +observance, she composed for me the following prayer. It reveals +her exceeding humility, because in it she asked a grace of which I +alone stood in need: + +"O Jesus, in honour and in imitation of the example Thou gavest in +the house of Herod, Thy two little Spouses resolve to keep their +eyes cast down in the refectory. When that impious king scoffed at +Thee, O Infinite Beauty, no complaint came from Thy Lips. Thou +didst not even deign to fix on him Thy Adorable Eyes. He was not +worthy of the favour, but we who are Thy Spouses, we desire to +draw Thy Divine Gaze upon ourselves. As often as we refrain from +raising our eyes, we beg Thee to reward us by a glance of love, +and we even dare ask Thee not to refuse this sweet glance when we +fail in our self-control, for we will humble ourselves most +sincerely before Thee." + +* * * * * * + +I confided to her that I made no progress, and that consequently I +had lost heart. + +"Up to the age of fourteen," she said, "I practised virtue without +tasting its sweetness. I desired suffering, but I did not think of +making it my joy; that grace was vouchsafed me later. My soul was +like a beautiful tree the flowers of which had scarcely opened +when they fell. + +"Offer to God the sacrifice of never gathering any fruit. If He +will that throughout your whole life you should feel a repugnance +to suffering and humiliation--if He permit that all the flowers of +your desires and of your good will should fall to the ground +without any fruit appearing, do not worry. At the hour of death, +in the twinkling of an eye, He will cause fair fruits to ripen on +the tree of your soul. + +"We read in the Book of Ecclesiasticus: 'There is an inactive man +that wanteth help, is very weak in ability, and full of poverty: +yet the Eye of God hath looked upon him for good, and hath lifted +him up from his low estate, and hath exalted his head: and many +have wondered at him, and have glorified God. . . . Trust in God, +and stay in thy place. For it is easy in the Eyes of God, on a +sudden, to make the poor man rich. The blessing of God maketh +haste to reward the just, and in a swift hour His blessing beareth +fruit.'"[5] + +"But if I fall, I shall always be found imperfect; whereas you are +looked upon as holy." + +"That is, perhaps, because I have never desired to be considered +so. . . . But that you should be found imperfect is just what is +best. Here is your harvest. To believe oneself imperfect and +others perfect--this is true happiness. Should earthly creatures +think you devoid of holiness, they rob you of nothing, and you are +none the poorer: it is they who lose. For is there anything more +sweet than the inward joy of thinking well of our neighbour? + +"As for myself I am glad and rejoice, not only when I am looked +upon as imperfect, but above all when I feel that it is true. +Compliments, on the contrary, do but displease me." + +* * * * * * + +"God has a special love for you since He entrusts souls to your +care." + +"That makes no difference, and I am really only what I am in His +Eyes. It is not because He wills me to be His interpreter among +you, that He loves me more; rather, He makes me your little +handmaid. It is for you, and not for myself, that He has bestowed +upon me those charms and those virtues which you see. + +"I often compare myself to a little bowl filled by God with good +things. All the kittens come to eat from it, and they sometimes +quarrel as to which will have the largest share. But the Holy +Child Jesus keeps a sharp watch. 'I am willing you should feed +from My little bowl,' He says, 'but take heed lest you upset and +break it.' + +"In truth there is no great danger, because I am already on the +ground. Not so with Prioresses; set, as they are, on tables, they +run far more risks. Honours are always dangerous. What poisonous +food is served daily to those in high positions! What deadly fumes +of incense! A soul must be well detached from herself to pass +unscathed through it all." + +* * * * * * + +"It is a consolation for you to do good and to procure the Glory +of God. I wish I were equally favoured." + +"What if God does make use of me, rather than of another, to +procure His Glory! Provided His Kingdom be established among +souls, the instrument matters not. Besides, He has no need of +anyone. + +"Some time ago I was watching the flicker, almost invisible, of a +tiny night-light, when one of the Sisters drew near, and, lighting +her candle in the dying flame, passed it round to light all those +of the Community. 'Who dare glory in his own good works?' I +reflected. 'From one faint spark such as this, it would be +possible to set the whole earth on fire.' We often think we +receive graces and are divinely illumined by means of brilliant +candles. But from whence comes their light? From the prayers, +perhaps, of some humble, hidden soul, whose inward shining is not +apparent to human eyes; a soul of unrecognised virtue and, in her +own sight, of little value--a dying flame. + +"What mysteries will yet be unveiled to us! I have often thought +that perhaps I owe all the graces with which I am laden, to some +little soul whom I shall know only in Heaven. + +"It is God's Will that in this world souls shall dispense to each +other, by prayer, the treasures of Heaven, in order that when they +reach their Everlasting Home they may love one another with +grateful hearts, and with an affection far in excess of that which +reigns in the most perfect family on earth. + +"There no looks of indifference will meet us, because all the +Saints will be mutually indebted to each other. No envious glances +will be cast, for the happiness of each one of the Blessed will be +the happiness of all. With the Doctors of the Church we shall be +like unto Doctors; with the Martyrs, like unto Martyrs; with the +Virgins, like unto Virgins; and just as the members of one family +are proud one of the other, so without the least jealousy shall we +take pride in our brothers and sisters. + +"When we see the glory of the great Saints, and know that through +the secret working of Providence we have contributed to it, who +knows whether the joy we shall feel will not be as intense, +perhaps sweeter, than the happiness they themselves possess? + +"And do you not think that the great Saints, on their side, seeing +what they owe to all little souls, will love them with a love +beyond compare? The friendships of Paradise will be both sweet and +full of surprise, of this I am certain. The familiar friend of an +Apostle, or of a great Doctor of the Church, may be a shepherd +boy, and a simple little child may be united in closest intimacy +with a Patriarch. . . . I long to enter that Kingdom of Love!" + +* * * * * * + +"Believe me, the writing of pious books, the composing of the +sublimest poetry, all that does not equal the smallest act of +self-denial. When, however, our inability to do good gives us +pain, our only resource is to offer up the good works of others, +and in this lies the benefit of the Communion of Saints. Recall to +mind that beautiful verse of the canticle of our Father, St. John +of the Cross: + +'Return, my dove! See on the height The wounded Hart, To whom +refreshment brings The breeze, stirred by thy wings.' + +"Thus the Spouse, the wounded Hart, is not attracted by the +height, but only by the breeze from the pinions of the dove--a +breeze which one single stroke of wing is sufficient to create." + +* * * * * * + +"The one thing which is not open to envy is the lowest place. Here +alone, therefore, there is neither vanity nor affliction of +spirit. Yet, 'the way of a man is not his own,'[6] and sometimes +we find ourselves wishing for what dazzles. In that hour let us in +all humility take our place among the imperfect, and look upon +ourselves as little souls who at every instant need to be upheld +by the goodness of God. From the moment He sees us fully convinced +of our nothingness, and hears us cry out: 'My foot stumbles, Lord, +but Thy Mercy is my strength,'[7] He reaches out His Hand to us. +But, should we attempt great things, even under pretext of zeal, +He deserts us. It suffices, therefore, to humble ourselves, to +bear with meekness our imperfections. Herein lies--for us--true +holiness." + +* * * * * * + +One day I was complaining of being more tired than my Sisters, +for, besides the ordinary duties, I had other work unknown to the +rest. Soeur Therese replied: + +"I should like always to see you a brave soldier, never grumblng +at hardships, but considering the wounds of your companions as +most serious, and your own as mere scratches. You feel this +fatigue so much because no one is aware of it. + +"Now the Blessed Margaret Mary, at the time she had two whitlows, +confessed that she really suffered from the hidden one only. The +other, which she was unable to hide, excited her Sisters' pity and +made her an object of compassion. This is indeed a very natural +feeling, the desire that people should know of our aches and +pains, but in giving way to it we play the coward." + +* * * * * * + +"When we are guilty of a fault we must never attribute it to some +physical cause, such as illness or the weather. We must ascribe it +to our own imperfections, without being discouraged thereby. +'Occasions do not make a man frail, but show what he is.'"[8] + +* * * * * * + +"God did not permit that our Mother should tell me to write my +poems as soon as I had composed them, and, fearful of committing a +sin against poverty, I would not ask leave. I had therefore to +wait for some free time, and at eight o'clock in the evening I +often found it extremely difficult to remember what I had composed +in the morning. + +"True, these trifles are a species of martyrdom; but we must be +careful not to alleviate the pain of the martyrdom by permitting +ourselves, or securing permission for, a thousand and one things +which would tend to make the religious life both comfortable and +agreeable." + +* * * * * * + +One day, as I was in tears, Soeur Therese told me to avoid the +habit of allowing others to see the trifles that worried me, +adding that nothing made community life more trying than +unevenness of temper. + +"You are indeed right," I answered, "such was my own thought. +Henceforward my tears will be for God alone. I shall confide my +worries to One Who will understand and console me." + +"Tears for God!" she promptly replied, "that must not be. Far less +to Him than to creatures ought you to show a mournful face. Our +Divine Master has only our monasteries where He may obtain some +solace for His Heart. He comes to us in search of rest--to forget +the unceasing complaints of His friends in the world, who, instead +of appreciating the value of the Cross, receive it far more often +with moans and tears. Would you then be as the mediocre souls? +Frankly, this is not disinterested love. . . . _It is for us to +console our Lord, and not for Him to console us._ His Heart is so +tender that if you cry He will dry your tears; but thereafter He +will go away sad, since you did not suffer Him to repose +tranquilly within you. Our Lord loves the glad of heart, the +children that greet Him with a smile. When will you learn to hide +your troubles from Him, or to tell Him gaily that you are happy to +suffer for Him?" + +"The face is the mirror of the soul," she said once, "and yours, +like that of a contented little child, should always be calm and +serene. Even when alone, be cheerful, remembering always that you +are in the sight of the Angels." + +* * * * * * + +I was anxious she should congratulate me on what, in my eyes, was +an heroic act of virtue; but she said to me: + +"Compare this little act of virtue with what our Lord has the +right to expect of you! Rather should you humble yourself for +having lost so many opportunities of proving your love." + +Little satisfied with this answer, I awaited an opportunity of +finding out how Soeur Therese herself would act under trial, and +the occasion was not long in coming. Reverend Mother asked us to +do some extremely tiring work which bristled with difficulties, +and, on purpose, I made it still more difficult for our Mistress. + +Not for one second, however, could I detect her in fault, and, +heedless of the fatigue involved, she remained gracious and +amiable, eager throughout to help others at her own expense. At +last I could resist no longer, and I confessed to her what my +thoughts had been. + +"How comes it," I said, "that you can be so patient? You are ever +the same--calm and full of joy." "It was not always the case with +me," she replied, "but since I have abandoned all thought of +self-seeking, I live the happiest life possible." + +* * * * * * + +Our dear Mistress used to say that during recreation, more than at +any other time, we should find opportunities for practising virtue. + +"If your desire be to draw great profit, do not go with the idea +of procuring relaxation, but rather with the intention of +entertaining others and practising complete detachment from self. +Thus, for instance, if you are telling one of the Sisters +something you think entertaining, and she should interrupt to tell +you something else, show yourself interested, even though in +reality her story may not interest you in the least. Be careful, +also, not to try to resume what you were saying. In this way you +will leave recreation filled with a great interior peace and +endowed with fresh strength for the practice of virtue, because +you have not sought to please yourself, but others. If only we +could realise what we gain by self-denial in all things!" + +"You realise it, certainly, for you have always practised +self-denial." + +"Yes, I have forgotten myself, and I have tried not to see myself +in anything." + +* * * * * * + +"When some one knocks at our door, or when we are rung for, we +must practise mortification and refrain from doing even another +stitch before answering. I have practised this myself, and I +assure you that it is a source of peace." + +After this advice, and according as occasion offered, I promptly +answered every summons. One day, during her illness, she was +witness of this, and said: + +"At the hour of death you will be very happy to find this to your +account. You have just done something more glorious than if, +through clever diplomacy, you had procured the good-will of the +Government for all religious communities and had been proclaimed +throughout France as a second Judith." + +* * * * * * + +Questioned as to her method of sanctifying meals, she answered: + +"In the refectory we have but one thing to do: perform a lowly +action with lofty thoughts. I confess that the sweetest +aspirations of love often come to me in the refectory. Sometimes I +am brought to a standstill by the thought that were Our Lord in my +place He would certainly partake of those same dishes which are +served to me. It is quite probable that during His lifetime He +tasted of similar food--He must have eaten bread and fruit. + +"Here are my little rubrics: + +"I imagine myself at Nazareth, in the house of the Holy Family. +If, for instance, I am served with salad, cold fish, wine, or +anything pungent in taste, I offer it to St. Joseph. To our +Blessed Lady I offer hot foods and ripe fruit, and to the Infant +Jesus our feast-day fare, especially rice and preserves. Lastly, +when I am served a wretched dinner I say cheerfully: 'To-day, my +little one, it is all for you!'" + +Thus in many pretty ways she hid her mortifications. One fast-day, +however, when our Reverend Mother ordered her some special food, I +found her seasoning it with wormwood because it was too much to +her taste. On another occasion I saw her drinking very slowly a +most unpleasant medicine. "Make haste," I said, "drink it off at +once!" "Oh, no!" she answered; "must I not profit of these small +opportunities for penance since the greater ones are forbidden me?" + +Toward the end of her life I learned that, during her noviciate, +one of our Sisters, when fastening the scapular for her, ran the +large pin through her shoulder, and for hours she bore the pain +with joy. On another occasion she gave me proof of her interior +mortification. I had received a most interesting letter which was +read aloud at recreation, during her absence. In the evening she +expressed the wish to read it, and I gave it to her. Later on, +when she returned it, I begged her to tell me what she thought of +one of the points of the letter which I knew ought to have charmed +her. She seemed rather confused, and after a pause she answered: +"God asked of me the sacrifice of this letter because of the +eagerness I displayed the other day . . . so I have not read it." + +* * * * * * + +When speaking to her of the mortifications of the Saints, she +remarked: "It was well that Our Lord warned us: 'In My Father's +House there are many mansions, otherwise I would have told +you.'[9] For, if every soul called to perfection were obliged to +perform these austerities in order to enter Heaven, He would have +told us, and we should have willingly undertaken them. But He has +declared that, 'there are many mansions in His House.' If there +are some for great souls, for the Fathers of the Desert and for +Martyrs of penance, there must also be one for little children. +And in that one a place is kept for us, if we but love Him dearly +together with Our Father and the Spirit of Love." + +* * * * * * + +"While in the world, I used, on waking, to think of all the +pleasant or unpleasant things which might happen throughout the +day, and if I foresaw nothing but worries I got up with a heavy +heart. Now it is quite the reverse. I think of the pains and of +the sufferings awaiting me, and I rise, feeling all the more +courageous and light of heart in proportion to the opportunities I +foresee of proving my love for Our Lord, and of gaining--mother of +souls as I am--my children's livelihood. Then I kiss my crucifix, +and, laying it gently on my pillow, I leave it there while I +dress, and I say: 'My Jesus, Thou hast toiled and wept enough +during Thy three-and-thirty years on this miserable earth. Rest +Thee, to-day! It is my turn to suffer and to fight.'" + +* * * * * * + +One washing-day I was sauntering towards the laundry, and looking +at the flowers as I passed. Soeur Therese was following, and +quickly overtook me: "Is that," she said quietly, "how people +hurry themselves when they have children, and are obliged to work +to procure them food?" + +* * * * * * + +"Do you know which are my Sundays and feast-days? They are the +days on which God tries me the most." + +* * * * * * + +I was distressed at my want of courage, and Soeur Therese said to +me: "You are complaining of what should be your greatest +happiness. If you fought only when you felt eagerness, where would +be your merit? What does it matter, even if you are devoid of +courage, provided you act as though you possessed it? If you feel +too lazy to pick up a bit of thread, and yet do so for love of +Jesus, you acquire more merit than for a much nobler action done +in a moment of fervour. Instead of grieving, be glad that, by +allowing you to feel your own weakness, Our Lord is furnishing you +with an opportunity of saving a greater number of souls." + +* * * * * * + +I asked her whether Our Lord were not displeased at the sight of +my many failings. This was her answer: "Be comforted, for He Whom +you have chosen as your Spouse has every imaginable perfection; +but--dare I say it?--He has one great infirmity too--He is blind! +And there is a science about which He knows nothing--addition! +These two great defects, much to be deplored in an earthly +bridegroom, do but make ours infinitely more lovable. Were it +necessary that He should be clear-sighted, and familiar with the +science of figures, do you not think that, confronted with our +many sins, He would send us back to our nothingness? But His Love +for us makes him actually blind. + +"If the greatest sinner on earth should repent at the moment of +his death, and draw His last breath in an act of love, neither the +many graces he had abused, nor the multiplied crimes he had +committed, would stand in his way. Our Lord would see nothing, +count nothing, but the sinner's last prayer, and without delay He +would receive him into the arms of His Mercy. + +"But, to make Him thus blind and to prevent Him doing the smallest +sum of addition, we must approach Him through His Heart--on that +side He is vulnerable and defenceless." + +* * * * * * + +I had grieved her, and had gone to ask her pardon: "If you but +knew what I feel!" she exclaimed. "Never have I more clearly +understood the love with which Jesus receives us when we seek His +forgiveness. If I, His poor little creature, feel so tenderly +towards you when you come back to me, what must pass through Our +Lord's Divine Heart when we return to Him? Far more quickly than I +have just done will He blot out our sins from His memory. . . . +Nay, He will even love us more tenderly than before we fell." + +* * * * * * + +I had an immense dread of the judgments of God, and no argument of +Soeur Therese could remove it. One day I put to her the following +objection: "It is often said to us that in God's sight the angels +themselves are not pure. How, therefore, can you expect me to be +otherwise than filled with fear?" + +She replied: "There is but one means of compelling God not to +judge us, and it is--to appear before Him empty-handed." "And how +can that be done?" "It is quite simple: lay nothing by, spend your +treasures as you gain them. Were I to live to be eighty, I should +always be poor, because I cannot economise. All my earnings are +immediately spent on the ransom of souls. + +"Were I to await the hour of death to offer my trifling coins for +valuation, Our Lord would not fail to discover in them some base +metal, and they would certainly have to be refined in Purgatory. +Is it not recorded of certain great Saints that, on appearing +before the Tribunal of God, their hands laden with merit, they +have yet been sent to that place of expiation, because in God's +Eyes all our justice is unclean?" + +"But," I replied, "if God does not judge our good actions, He will +judge our bad ones." "Do not say that! Our Lord is Justice itself, +and if He does not judge our good actions, neither will He judge +our bad ones. It seems to me, that for Victims of Love there will +be no judgment. God will rather hasten to reward with eternal +delights His own Love which He will behold burning in their +hearts." + +"To enjoy such a privilege, would it suffice to repeat that Act of +Oblation which you have composed?" "Oh, no! words do not suffice. +To be a true Victim of Love we must surrender ourselves entirely. +. . . _Love will consume us only in the measure of our +self-surrender."_ + +* * * * * * + +I was grieving bitterly over a fault I had committed. "Take your +Crucifix," she said, "and kiss it." I kissed the Feet. + +"Is that how a child kisses its father? Throw your arms at once +round His Neck and kiss His Face." When I had done so, she +continued: "That is not sufficient--He must return your caress." I +had to press the Crucifix to both my cheeks, whereupon she added: +"Now, all is forgiven." + +* * * * * * + +I told her one day that if I must be reproached I preferred +deserving it to being unjustly accused. "For my part," she +replied, "I prefer to be charged unjustly, because, having nothing +to reproach myself with, I offer gladly this little injustice to +God. Then, humbling myself, I think how easily I might have +deserved the reproach. The more you advance, the fewer the +combats; or rather, the more easy the victory, because the good +side of things will be more visible. Then your soul will soar +above creatures. As for me, I feel utterly indifferent to all +accusations because I have learned the hollowness of human +judgment." + +She added further: "When misunderstood and judged unfavourably, +what benefit do we derive from defending ourselves? Leave things +as they are, and say nothing. It is so sweet to allow ourselves to +be judged anyhow, rightly or wrongly. + +"It is not written in the Gospel that Saint Mary Magdalen put +forth excuses when charged by her sister with sitting idle at Our +Lord's Feet. She did not say: 'Martha, if you knew the happiness +that is mine and if you heard the words that I hear, you too would +leave everything to share my joy and my repose.' No, she preferred +to keep silent. . . . Blessed silence which giveth such peace to +the soul!" + +* * * * * * + +At a moment of temptation and struggle I received this note: "'The +just man shall correct me in mercy and shall reprove me; but let +not the oil of the sinner perfume my head.'[10] It is only by the +just that I can be either reproved or corrected, because all my +Sisters are pleasing to God. It is less bitter to be rebuked by a +sinner than by a just man; but through compassion for sinners, to +obtain their conversion, I beseech Thee, O my God, to permit that +I may be well rebuked by those just souls who surround me. I ask +also that the _oil of praise,_ so sweet to our nature, _may not +perfume my head,_ that is to say, my mind, by making me believe +that I possess virtues when I have merely performed a few good +actions. + +"Jesus! 'Thy Name is as oil poured out,'[11] and it is into this +divine perfume that I desire wholly to plunge myself, far from the +gaze of mankind." + +* * * * * * + +"It is not playing the game to argue with a Sister that she is in +the wrong, even when it is true, because we are not answerable for +her conduct. We must not be _Justices of the peace,_ but _Angels +of peace_ only." + +* * * * * * + +"You give yourselves up too much to what you are doing," she used +to say to us; "you worry about the future as though it were in +your hands. Are you much concerned at this moment as to what is +happening in other Carmelite convents, and whether the nuns there +are busy or otherwise? Does their work prevent you praying or +meditating? Well, just in the same way, you ought to detach +yourselves from your own personal labours, conscientiously +spending on them the time prescribed, but with perfect freedom of +heart. We read that the Israelites, while building the walls of +Jerusalem, worked with one hand and held a sword in the other.[12] +This is an image of what we should do: avoid being wholly absorbed +in our work." + +* * * * * * + +"One Sunday," Therese relates, "I was going toward the chestnut +avenue, full of rejoicing, for it was spring-time, and I wanted to +enjoy nature's beauties. What a bitter disappointment! My dear +chestnuts had been pruned, and the branches, already covered with +buds, now lay on the ground. On seeing this havoc, and thinking +that three years must elapse before it could be repaired, my heart +felt very sore. But the grief did not last long. 'If I were in +another convent,' I reflected, 'what would it matter to me if the +chestnut-trees of the Carmel at Lisieux were entirely cut down?' I +will not worry about things that pass. God shall be my all. I will +take my walks in the wooded groves of His Love, whereon none dare +lay hands." + +* * * * * * + +A novice asked her Sisters to help her shake some blankets. As +they were somewhat liable to tear because of their worn condition, +she insisted, rather sharply, on their being handled with care. +"What would you do," said Therese to the impatient one, "if it +were not your duty to mend these blankets? There would be no +thought of self in the matter, and if you did call attention to +the fact that they are easily torn, it would be done in quite an +impersonal way. In all your actions, you should avoid the least +trace of self-seeking." + +* * * * * * + +Seeing one of our Sisters very much fatigued, I said to Soeur +Therese: "It grieves me to see people suffer, especially those who +are holy." She instantly replied: "I do not feel as you do. Saints +who suffer never excite my pity. I know they have strength to bear +their sufferings, and that through them they are giving great +glory to God. But I compassionate greatly those who are not +Saints, and who do not know how to profit by suffering. They +indeed awake my pity. I would strain every nerve to help and +comfort them." + +* * * * * * + +"Were I to live longer, it is the office of Infirmarian that would +most please me. I would not ask for it, but were it imposed +through obedience, I should consider myself highly favoured. I +think I should fulfill its duties with much affection, always +mindful of Our Lord's words: 'I was sick, and you visited Me.'[13] +The infirmary bell should be for you as heavenly music, and you +ought purposely to pass by the windows of the sick that it might +be easy for them to summon you. Consider yourself as a little +slave whom everyone has the right to command. Could you but see +the Angels who from the heights of Heaven watch your combats in +the arena! They are awaiting the end of the fight to crown you and +cover you with flowers. You know that we claim to rank as _little +Martyrs_ . . . . but we must win our palms. + +"God does not despise these hidden struggles with ourselves, so +much richer in merit because they are unseen: 'The patient man is +better than the valiant, and he that ruleth his spirit than he +that taketh cities.'[14] Through our little acts of charity, +practised in the dark, as it were, we obtain the conversion of the +heathen, help the missionaries, and gain for them plentiful alms, +thus building both spiritual and material dwellings for Our +Eucharistic God." + +* * * * * * + +I had seen Mother Prioress showing, as I thought, more confidence +and affection to one of our Sisters than she extended to me. +Expecting to win sympathy, I told my trouble to Soeur Therese, and +great was my surprise when she put me the question: "Do you think +you love our Mother very much?" "Certainly! otherwise I should be +indifferent if others were preferred to me." + +"Well, I shall prove that you are absolutely mistaken, and that it +is not our Mother that you love, but yourself. When we really love +others, we rejoice at their happiness, and we make every sacrifice +to procure it. Therefore if you had this true, disinterested +affection, and loved our Mother for her own sake, you would be +glad to see her find pleasure even at your expense; and since you +think she has less satisfaction in talking with you than with +another Sister, you ought not to grieve at being apparently +neglected." + +* * * * * * + +I was distressed at my many distractions during prayers: "I also +have many," she said, "but as soon as I am aware of them, I pray +for those people the thought of whom is diverting my attention, +and in this way they reap benefit from my distractions. . . . I +accept all for the love of God, even the wildest fancies that +cross my mind." + +* * * * * * + +I was regretting a pin which I had been asked for, and which I had +found most useful. "How rich you are," said Therese, "you will +never be happy!" + +* * * * * * + +The grotto of the Holy Child was in her charge, and, knowing that +one of our Mothers greatly disliked perfumes, she never put any +sweet-smelling flowers there, not even a tiny violet. This cost +her many a real sacrifice. One day, just as she had placed a +beautiful artificial rose at the foot of the statue, the Mother +called her. Soeur Therese, surmising that it was to bid her remove +the rose, was anxious to spare her any humiliation. She therefore +took the flower to the good Sister, and, forestalling all +observations, said: "Look, Mother, how well nature is imitated +nowadays: would you not think this rose had been freshly gathered +from the garden?" + +* * * * * * + +"There are moments," she told us, "when we are so miserable +within, that there is nothing for it but to get away from +ourselves. At those times God does not oblige us to remain at +home. He even permits our own company to become distasteful to us +in order that we may leave it. Now I know no other means of exit +save through the doorway of charitable works, on a visit to Jesus +and Mary." + +* * * * * * + +"When I picture the Holy Family, the thought that does me most +good is--the simplicity of their home-life. Our Lady and St. +Joseph were well aware that Jesus was God, while at the same time +great wonders were hidden from them, and--like us--they lived by +faith. You have heard those words of the Gospel: 'They understood +not the word that He spoke unto them';[15] and those others no +less mysterious: 'His Father and Mother were wondering at those +things which were spoken concerning Him.'[16] They seemed to be +learning something new, for this word 'wondering' implies a +certain amount of surprise." + +* * * * * * + +"There is a verse in the Divine Office which I recite each day +with reluctance: 'I have inclined my heart to do Thy +justifications for ever, because of the reward.'[17] I hasten to +add in my heart: 'My Jesus, Thou knowest I do not serve Thee for +sake of reward, but solely out of love, and a desire to win Thee +souls." + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven only shall we be in possession of the clear truth. On +earth, even in matters of Holy Scripture, our vision is dim. It +distresses me to see the differences in its translations, and had +I been a Priest I would have learned Hebrew, so as to read the +Word of God as He deigned to utter it in human speech." + +* * * * * * + +Soeur Therese often spoke to me of a well-known toy with which she +had amused herself when a child. This was the kaleidoscope, shaped +like a small telescope, through which, as it is made to revolve, +one perceives an endless variety of pretty-coloured figures. + +"This toy," she said, "excited my admiration, and I wondered what +could provide so charming a phenomenon, when one day, after a +lengthy examination, I found that it consisted simply of tiny bits +of paper and cloth scattered inside. A further examination +revealed that there were three mirrors inside the tube, and the +problem was solved. It became for me the illustration of a great +truth. + +"So long as our actions, even the most trivial, remain within +Love's kaleidoscope, so long the Blessed Trinity, figured by the +three mirrors, imparts to them a wonderful brightness and beauty. +The eye-piece is Jesus Christ, and He, looking from outside +through Himself into the kaleidoscope, finds perfect all our +works. But, should we leave that ineffable abode of Love, He would +see but the rags and chaff of unclean and worthless deeds." + +* * * * * * + +I told Soeur Therese of the strange phenomena produced by +magnetism on persons who surrender their will to the hypnotiser. +It seemed to interest her greatly, and next day she said to me: +"Your conversation yesterday did me so much good! How I long to be +hypnotised by Our Lord! It was my waking thought, and verily it +was sweet to surrender Him my will. I want Him to take possession +of my faculties in such wise that my acts may no more be mine, or +human, but Divine--inspired and guided by the Spirit of Love." + +* * * * * * + +Before my profession I received through my saintly Novice-mistress +a very special grace. We had been washing all day. I was worn-out +with fatigue and harassed with spiritual worries. That night, +before meditation, I wanted to speak to her, but she dismissed me +with the remark: "That is the bell for meditation, and I have not +time to console you; besides, I see plainly that it would be +useless trouble. For the present, God wishes you to suffer alone." +I followed her to meditation so discouraged that, for the first +time, I doubted of my vocation. I should never be able to be a +Carmelite. The life was too hard. + +I had been kneeling for some minutes, when all at once, in the +midst of this interior struggle--without having asked or even +wished for peace--I felt a sudden and extraordinary change of +soul. I no longer knew myself. My vocation appeared to me both +lovely and lovable. I saw the sweetness and priceless value of +suffering. All the privations and fatigues of the religious life +appeared to me infinitely preferable to worldly pleasures, and I +came away from my meditation completely transformed. + +Next day I told my Mistress what had taken place, and, seeing she +was deeply touched, I begged to know the reason. "God is good," +she exclaimed. "Last evening you inspired me with such profound +pity that I prayed incessantly for you at the beginning of +meditation. I besought Our Lord to bring you comfort, to change +your dispositions, and show you the value of suffering. He has +indeed heard my prayers." + +* * * * * * + +Being somewhat of a child in my ways, the Holy Child--to help me +in the practice of virtue--inspired me with the thought of amusing +myself with Him, and I chose the game of _ninepins._ I imagined +them of all sizes and colours, representing the souls I wished to +reach. The ball was--_love._ + +In December, 1896, the novices received, for the benefit of the +Foreign Missions, various trifles towards a Christmas tree, and at +the bottom of the box containing them was a _top_--a rare thing in +a Carmelite convent. My companions remarked: "What an ugly +thing!--of what use will it be?" But I, who knew the game, caught +hold of it, exclaiming: "Nay, what fun! it will spin a whole day +without stopping if it be well whipped"; and thereupon I spun it +around to their great surprise. + +Soeur Therese was quietly watching us, and on Christmas night, +after midnight Mass, I found in our cell the famous top, with a +delightful letter addressed as follows: + +_To My Beloved Little Spouse_ + +_Player of Ninepins on the Mountain of Carmel_ + +_Christmas Night, 1896._ + +MY BELOVED LITTLE SPOUSE,--I am well pleased with thee! All the +year round thou hast amused Me by playing at _ninepins._ I was so +overjoyed that the whole court of Angels was surprised and +charmed. Several little cherubs have asked me why I did not make +them children. Others wanted to know if the melody of their +instruments were not more pleasing to me than thy joyous laugh +when a ninepin fell at the stroke of thy love-ball. My answer to +them was, that they must not regret they are not children, since +one day they would play with thee in the meadows of Heaven. I told +them also that thy smiles were certainly more sweet to Me than +their harmonies, because these smiles were purchased by suffering +and forgetfulness of self. + +And now, my cherished Spouse, it is my turn to ask something of +thee. Thou wilt not refuse Me--thou lovest Me too much. Let us +change the game. Ninepins amuse me greatly, but at present I +should like to play at spinning a top, and, if thou dost consent, +thou shalt be the top. I give thee one as a model. Thou seest that +it is ugly to look at, and would be kicked aside by whosoever did +not know the game. But at the sight of it a child would leap for +joy and shout: "What fun! it will spin a whole day without +stopping!" + +Although thou too art not attractive, I--the little Jesus--love +thee, and beg of thee to keep always spinning to amuse Me. True, +it needs a whip to make a top spin. Then let thy Sisters supply +the whip, and be thou most grateful to those who shall make thee +turn fastest. When I shall have had plenty of fun, I will bring +thee to join Me here, and our games shall be full of unalloyed +delight.--Thy little Brother, + +JESUS. + +* * * * * * + +I had the habit of constantly crying about the merest trifles, and +this was a source of great pain to Soeur Therese. One day a bright +idea occurred to her: taking a mussel-shell from her painting +table, and, holding my hands lest I should prevent her, she +gathered my tears in the shell, and soon they were turned into +merry laughter. + +"There," she said, "from this onwards I permit you to cry as much +as you like on condition that it is into the shell!" + +A week, however, before her death I spent a whole evening in tears +at the thought of her fast-approaching end. She knew it, and said: +"You have been crying. Was it into the shell?" I was unable to +tell an untruth, and my answer grieved her. "I am going to die," +she continued, "and I shall not be at rest about you unless you +promise to follow faithfully my advice. I consider it of the +utmost importance for the good of your soul." + +I promised what she asked, begging leave, however, as a favour, to +be allowed to cry at her death. "But," she answered, "why cry at +my death? Those tears will certainly be useless. You will be +bewailing my happiness! Still I have pity on your weakness, and +for the first few days you have leave to cry, though afterwards +you must again take up the shell." + +It has cost me some heroic efforts, but I have been faithful. I +have kept the shell at hand, and each time the wish to cry +overcame me, I laid hold of the pitiless thing. However urgent the +tears, the trouble of passing it from one eye to the other so +distracted my thoughts, that before very long this ingenious +method entirely cured me of my sensibility. + +* * * * * * + +Owing to a fault which had caused Soeur Therese much pain, but of +which I had deeply repented, I intended to deprive myself of Holy +Communion. I wrote to her of my resolution, and this was her +reply: "Little flower, most dear to Jesus, by this humiliation +your roots are feeding upon the earth. You must now open wide your +petals, or rather lift high your head, so that the Manna of the +Angels may, like a divine dew, come down to strengthen you and +supply all your wants. Good-night, poor little flower! Ask of +Jesus that all the prayers offered for my cure may serve to +increase the fire which ought to consume me." + +* * * * * * + +"At the moment of Communion I sometimes liken my soul to that of a +little child of three or four, whose hair has been ruffled and +clothes soiled at play. This is a picture of what befalls me in my +struggling with souls. But Our Blessed Lady comes promptly to the +rescue, takes off _my soiled pinafore,_ and arranges my hair, +adorning it with a pretty ribbon or a simple flower. . . . Then I +am quite nice, and able, without any shame, to seat myself at the +Banquet of Angels." + +* * * * * * + +In the infirmary we scarcely waited for the end of her +thanksgiving before seeking her advice. At first, this somewhat +distressed her, and she would make gentle reproaches, but soon she +yielded to us, saying: "I must not wish for more rest than Our +Lord. When He withdrew into the desert after preaching, the crowds +would come and intrude upon His solitude. Come, then, to me as +much as you like; I must die sword in hand--'the sword of the +Spirit, which is the Word of God.'"[18] + +* * * * * * + +"Advise us," we said to her, "how to profit by our spiritual +instructions." "Go for guidance with great simplicity, not +counting too much on help which may fail you at any moment. You +would then have to say with the Spouse in the Canticles: 'The +keepers took away my cloak and wounded me; when I had a little +passed by them, I found Him whom my soul loveth.'[19] If you ask +with humility and with detachment after your Beloved, the +_keepers_ will tell you. More often, you will find Jesus only when +you have passed by all creatures. Many times have I repeated this +verse of the Spiritual Canticle of St. John of the Cross: + +'Messengers, I pray, no more Between us send, who know not how To +tell me what my spirit longs to know. For they Thy charms who +read--For ever telling of a thousand more--Make all my wounds to +bleed, While deeper then before Doth an--I know not what!--my +spirit grieve With stammerings vague, and of all life bereave.'" + +* * * * * * + +"If, supposing the impossible, God Himself could not see my good +actions, I would not be troubled. I love Him so much I would like +to give Him joy without His knowing who gave. When He sees the +gift being made, He is, as it were, obliged to make a +return. . . . I should wish to spare Him the trouble." + +* * * * * * + +"Had I been rich, I could never have seen a poor person hungry +without giving him to eat. This is my way also in the spiritual +life. There are many souls on the brink of hell, and as my +earnings come to hand they are scattered among these sinners. The +time has never yet been when I could say: 'Now I am going to work +for myself.'" + +* * * * * * + +"There are people who make the worst of everything. As for me, I +do just the contrary. I always see the good side of things, and +even if my portion be suffering, without a glimmer of solace, +well, I make it my joy." + +* * * * * * + +"Whatever has come from God's Hands has always pleased me, even +those things which have seemed to me less good and less beautiful +than the gifts made to others." + +* * * * * * + +"When staying with my aunt, while I was still a little girl, I was +given a certain book to read. In one of the stories great praise +was bestowed on a schoolmistress who by her tact escaped from +every difficulty without hurting anyone's feelings. Her method of +saying to one person: 'You are right,' and to another: 'You are +not wrong,' struck me particularly, and as I read I reflected that +I would not have acted in that way because we should always tell +the truth. And this I always do, though I grant it is much more +difficult. It would be far less trouble for us, when told of a +worry, to cast the blame on the absent. Less trouble . . . +nevertheless I do just the contrary, and if I am disliked it +cannot be helped. Let the novices not come to me if they do not +want to learn the truth." + +* * * * * * + +"Before a reproof[20] bear fruit it must cost something and be +free from the least trace of passion. Kindness must not degenerate +into weakness. When we have had good reason for finding fault, we +must leave it, and not allow ourselves to worry over having given +pain. To seek out the delinquent for the purpose of consoling her, +is to do more harm than good. Left alone, she is compelled to look +beyond creatures, and to turn to God; she is forced to see her +faults and to humble herself. Otherwise she would become +accustomed to expect consolation after a merited rebuke, and would +act like a spoilt child who stamps and screams, knowing well that +by this means its mother will be forced to return and dry its +tears." + +* * * * * * + +"'Let the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, be ever +in your mouth and in your hearts.'[21] If we find any one +particular person disagreeable we should never be disheartened, +much less cease our endeavour to reform that soul. We should wield +_the sword of the Spirit,_ and so correct her faults. Things +should never be allowed to pass for the sake of our own ease. We +must carry on the war even when there is no hope of victory. +Success matters nothing, and we must fight on and never complain: +'I shall gain nothing from that soul, she does not understand, +there is nothing for it but to abandon her.' That would be the act +of a coward. We must do our duty to the very end." + +* * * * * * + +"Formerly, if any of my friends were in trouble, and I did not +succeed in consoling them when they came to see me, I left the +parlour quite heart-broken. Soon, however, Our Lord made me +understand how incapable I was of bringing comfort to a soul, and +from that day I no longer grieved when my visitors went away +downcast. I confided to God the sufferings of those so dear to me, +and I felt sure that He heard my prayer. At their next visit I +learned that I was not mistaken. After this experience, I no +longer worry when I have involuntarily given pain. . . . I simply +ask Our Lord to make amends." + +* * * * * * + +"What do you think of all the graces that have been heaped upon +you?"--"I think 'the Spirit of God breatheth where He will.'"[22] + +* * * * * * + +"Mother," she one day said to the Prioress, "were I unfaithful, +were I to commit even the smallest infidelity, I feel that my soul +would be plunged into the most terrible anguish, and I should be +unable to welcome death." + +Mother Prioress evinced surprise at hearing her speak in this +strain, and she continued: "I am speaking of infidelity in the +matter of pride. If, for example, I were to say: 'I have acquired +such or such a virtue and I can practise it'; or again: 'My God, +Thou knowest I love Thee too much to dwell on one single thought +against faith,' straightway I should be assailed by the most +dangerous temptations and should certainly yield. To prevent this +misfortune I have but to say humbly and from my heart: 'My God, I +beseech Thee not to let me be unfaithful.' + +"I understand clearly how St. Peter fell. He placed too much +reliance on his own ardent nature, instead of leaning solely on +the Divine strength. Had he only said: 'Lord, give me strength to +follow Thee unto death!' the grace would not have been refused him. + +"How is it, Mother, that Our Lord, knowing what was about to +happen, did not say to him: 'Ask of Me the strength to do what is +in thy mind?' I think His purpose was to give us a twofold +lesson--first: that He taught His Apostles nothing by His presence +which He does not teach us through the inspirations of grace; and +secondly: that, having made choice of St. Peter to govern the +whole Church, wherein there are many sinners, He wished him to +test in himself what man can do without God's help. This is why +Jesus said to him before his fall: 'Thou being once converted +confirm thy brethren';[23] that is, 'Tell them the story of thy +sin--show them by thy own experience, how necessary it is for +salvation to rely solely upon Me.'" + +* * * * * * + +I was much afflicted at seeing her ill, and I often exclaimed: +"Life is so dreary!" "Life is not dreary"--she would immediately +say; "on the contrary, it is most gay. Now if you said: 'Exile is +dreary,' I could understand. It is a mistake to call 'life' that +which must have an end. Such a word should be only used of the +joys of Heaven--joys that are unfading--and in this true meaning +life is not sad but gay--most gay. . . ." + +Her own gaiety was a thing of delight. For several days she had +been much better, and we were saying to her: "We do not yet know +of what disease you will die. . . ." "But," she answered, "I shall +die of death! Did not God tell Adam of what he would die when He +said to him: 'Thou shalt die of death'?"[24] + +"Then death will come to fetch you?"--"No, not death, but the Good +God. Death is not, as pictures tell us, a phantom, a horrid +spectre. The Catechism says that it is the separation of soul and +body--no more! Well, I do not fear a separation which will unite +me for ever to God." + +"Will the _Divine Thief,"_ some one asked, "soon come to steal His +little bunch of grapes?" "I see Him in the distance, and I take +good care not to cry out: 'Stop thief!' Rather, I call to Him: +'This way, this way!'" + +* * * * * * + +Asked under what name we should pray to her in Heaven, she +answered humbly: "Call me _Little Therese."_ + +* * * * * * + +I was telling her that the most beautiful angels, all robed in +white, would bear her soul to Heaven: "Fancies like those," she +answered, "do not help me, and my soul can only feed upon truth. +God and His Angels are pure spirits. No human eye can see them as +they really are. That is why I have never asked extraordinary +favours. I prefer to await the Eternal Vision." + +"To console me at your death I have asked God to send me a +beautiful dream."--"That is a thing I would never do . . . ask for +consolations. Since you wish to resemble me, you know what are my +ideas on this: + +'Fear not, O Lord, that I shall waken Thee: I shall await in peace +the Heavenly Shore.' + +"It is so sweet to serve God in the dark night and in the midst of +trial. After all, we have but this life in which to live by faith." + +* * * * * * + +"I am happy at the thought of going to Heaven, but when I reflect +on these words of Our Lord: 'I come quickly, and My reward is with +Me, to render to every man according to his works,'[25] I think +that He will find my case a puzzle: I have no works. . . . Well, +He will render unto me _according to His own works!"_ + +* * * * * * + +"The chief plenary indulgence, which is within reach of everybody, +and can be gained without the ordinary conditions, is that of +charity--which 'covereth a multitude of sins.'"[26] + +* * * * * * + +"Surely you will not even pass through Purgatory. If such a thing +should happen, then certainly nobody goes straight to +Heaven."--"That gives me little thought. I shall be quite content +with the Merciful God's decision. Should I go to Purgatory, I +shall--like the three Hebrew children in the furnace--walk amid +the flames singing the Canticle of Love." + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven you will be placed among the Seraphim." "If so, I shall +not imitate them. At the sight of God _they cover themselves with +their wings_[27]: I shall take good care not to hide myself with +mine." + +* * * * * * + +I showed her a picture which represented Joan of Arc being +comforted in prison by her Voices, and she remarked: "I also am +comforted by an interior voice. From above, the Saints encourage +me, saying: 'So long as thou art a captive in chains, thou canst +not fulfill thy mission, but later on, after thy death, will come +thy day of triumph.'" + +* * * * * * + +"In Heaven, God will do all I desire, because on earth I have +never done my own will." + +* * * * * * + +"You will look down upon us from Heaven, will you not?"--"No, I +will come down." + +* * * * * * + +Some months before the death of Soeur Therese, _The Life of St. +Aloysius_ was being read in the refectory, and one of the Mothers +was struck by the mutual and tender affection which existed +between the young Saint and the aged Jesuit, Father Corbinelli. + +"You are little Aloysius," she said to Therese, "and I am old +Father Corbinelli--be mindful of me when you enter Heaven." "Would +you like me to fetch you thither soon, dear Mother?" "No, I have +not yet suffered enough." "Nay, Mother, I tell you that you have +suffered quite enough." To which Mother Hermance replied: "I dare +not say Yes. . . . In so grave a matter I must have the sanction +of authority." So the request was made to Mother Prioress, who, +without attaching much importance to it, gave her sanction. + +Now, on one of the last days of her life, Soeur Therese, scarcely +able to speak owing to her great weakness, received through the +infirmarian a bouquet of flowers. It had been gathered by Mother +Hermance, and was accompanied by an entreaty for one word of +affection. The message: "Tell Mother Hermance of the Heart of +Jesus that during Mass this morning I saw Father Corbinelli's +grave close to that of little Aloysius." + +"That is well," replied the good Mother, greatly touched; "tell +Soeur Therese that I have understood. . . ." And from that moment +she felt convinced her death was near. It took place just one year +later, and, according to the prediction of the "Little Aloysius," +the two graves lie side by side. + +* * * * * * + +The last words penned by the hand of Soeur Therese were: "O Mary, +were I Queen of Heaven, and wert thou Therese, I should wish to be +Therese, that I might see thee Queen of Heaven!" +_____________________________ + +[1] Cf. Matt. 20:23. + +[2] Cf. Ps. 67[68]:28. + +[3] Cf. Prov. 1:4. + +[4] Judith 15:11. + +[5] Ecclus. 11:12, 13, 22, 23, 24. + +[6] Jer. 10:23. + +[7] Cf. Psalm 93[94]:18. + +[8] _Imit.,_ I, xvi. 4. + +[9] John 14:2. + +[10] Cf. Psalm 111[112]:5. + +[11] Cant. 1:2. + +[12] Cf. 2 Esdras 4:17. + +[13] Matt. 25:36. + +[14] Prov. 16:32. + +[15] Luke 2:50. + +[16] Luke 2:33. + +[17] Ps. 118[119]:112. + +[18] Ephes. 6:17. + +[19] Cf. Cant. 5:7, 3:4. + +[20] In this and the following "counsel" it should be remembered +that it is a Novice-Mistress who is speaking. [Ed.] + +[21] Cf. Ephes. 6:17; Isaias 61:21. + +[22] Cf. John 3:8. + +[23] Luke 22:32. + +[24] Cf. Gen. 2:17. A play on the French: _Tu mourras de mort._ +[Ed.] + +[25] Apoc. 22:12. + +[26] Prov. 10:12. + +[27] Cf. Isaias 6:2. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THERESE +THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS OF SOEUR THERESE TO HER SISTER CELINE + +I + +J.M.J.T. + +May 8, 1888. + +DEAREST CELINE,--There are moments when I wonder whether I am +really and truly in the Carmel; sometimes I can scarcely believe +it. What have I done for God that He should shower so many graces +upon me? + +A whole month has passed since we parted; but why do I say parted? +Even were the wide ocean between us, our souls would remain as +one. And yet I know that not to have me is real suffering, and if +I listened to myself I should ask Jesus to let me bear the sadness +in your stead! I do not listen, as you see; I should be afraid of +being selfish in wishing for myself the better part--I mean the +suffering. You are right--life is often burdensome and bitter. It +is painful to begin a day of toil, especially when Jesus hides +Himself from our love. What is this sweet Friend about? Does He +not see our anguish and the burden that weighs us down? Why does +He not come and comfort us? + +Be not afraid. . . . He is here at hand. He is watching, and it is +He who begs from us this pain, these tears. . . . He needs them +for souls, for our souls, and He longs to give us a magnificent +reward. I assure you that it costs Him dear to fill us with +bitterness, but He knows that it is the only means of preparing us +to know Him as He knows Himself, and to become ourselves Divine! +Our soul is indeed great and our destiny glorious. Let us lift +ourselves above all things that pass, and hold ourselves far from +the earth! Up above, the air is so pure. . . . Jesus may hide +Himself, but we know that He is there. + + +II + +October 20, 1888. + +MY DEAREST SISTER,--Do not let your weakness make you unhappy. +When, in the morning, we feel no courage or strength for the +practice of virtue, it is really a grace: it is the time to "lay +the axe to the root of the tree,"[1] relying upon Jesus alone. If +we fall, an act of love will set all right, and Jesus smiles. He +helps us without seeming to do so; and the tears which sinners +cause Him to shed are wiped away by our poor weak love. Love can +do all things. The most impossible tasks seem to it easy and +sweet. You know well that Our Lord does not look so much at the +greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, as at the +love with which we do them. What, then, have we to fear? + +You wish to become a Saint, and you ask me if this is not +attempting too much. Celine, I will not tell you to aim at the +seraphic holiness of the most privileged souls, but rather to be +"perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect."[2] You see that your +dream--that our dreams and our desires--are not fancies, since +Jesus Himself has laid their realisation upon us as a commandment. + + +III + +January, 1889. + +MY DEAR LITTLE CELINE,--Jesus offers you the cross, a very heavy +cross, and you are afraid of not being able to carry it without +giving way. Why? Our Beloved Himself fell three times on the way +to Calvary, and why should we not imitate our Spouse? What a +favour from Jesus, and how He must love us to send us so great a +sorrow! Eternity itself will not be long enough to bless Him for +it. He heaps his favours upon us as upon the greatest Saints. +What, then, are His loving designs for our souls? That is a secret +which will only be revealed to us in our Heavenly Home, on the day +when "the Lord shall wipe away all our tears."[3] + +Now we have nothing more to hope for on earth--"the cool evenings +are passed"[4]--for us suffering alone remains! Ours is an +enviable lot, and the Seraphim in Heaven are jealous of our +happiness. + +The other day I came across this striking passage: "To be resigned +and to be united to the will of God are not the same; there is the +same difference between them as that which exists between union +and unity; in union there are still two, in unity there is but +one."[5] Yes, let us be one with God even in this life; and for +this we should be more than resigned, we should embrace the Cross +with joy. + + +IV + +February 28, 1889. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--Jesus is "a Spouse of blood."[6] He wishes +for Himself all the blood of our hearts. You are right--it costs +us dear to give Him what He asks. But what a joy that it does +cost! It is happiness to bear our crosses, and to feel our +weakness in doing so. + +Celine, far from complaining to Our Lord of this cross which He +sends us, I cannot fathom the Infinite Love which had led Him to +treat us in this way. Our dear Father must indeed be loved by God +to have so much suffering given to him. I know that by humiliation +alone can Saints be made, and I also know that our trial is a mine +of gold for us to turn to account. I, who am but a little grain of +sand, wish to set to work, though I have neither courage nor +strength. Now this very want of power will make my task easier, +for I wish to work for love. Our martyrdom is beginning . . . Let +us go forth to suffer together, dear sister, and let us offer our +sufferings to Jesus for the salvation of souls. + + +V + +March 12, 1899. + +. . . I must forget this world. Here everything wearies me--I find +only one joy, that of suffering, and this joy, which is not one of +sense, is above all joy. Life is passing, and eternity is drawing +near. Soon we shall live the very life of God. After we have been +filled at the source of all bitterness, our thirst will be +quenched at the very Fountain of all sweetness. + +"The figure of this world passeth away"[7]--soon we shall see new +skies--a more radiant sun will light with its splendour crystal +seas and infinite horizons. We shall no longer be prisoners in a +land of exile, all will have passed away, and with our Heavenly +Spouse we shall sail upon boundless seas. Now, "our harps are +hanging on the willows which grow by the rivers of Babylon,"[8] +but in the day of our deliverance what harmonies will they not +give forth, how joyfully shall we make all their strings vibrate! +Now, "we shed tears as we remember Sion, for how can we sing the +songs of the Lord in a land of exile?"[9] The burden of our song +is suffering. Jesus offers us a chalice of great bitterness. Let +us not withdraw our lips from it, but suffer in peace. He who says +_peace_ does not say _joy,_ or at least sensible joy: to suffer in +peace it is enough to will heartily all that Our Lord wills. Do +not think we can find love without suffering, for our nature +remains and must be taken into account; but it puts great +treasures within our reach. Suffering is indeed our very +livelihood, and is so precious that Jesus came down upon earth on +purpose to possess it. We should like to suffer generously and +nobly; we should like never to fall. What an illusion! What does +it matter to me if I fall at every moment! In that way I realise +my weakness, and I gain thereby. My God, Thou seest how little I +am good for, when Thou dost carry me in Thy Arms; and if Thou +leavest me alone, well, it is because it pleases Thee to see me +lie on the ground. Then why should I be troubled? + +If you are willing to bear in peace the trial of not being pleased +with yourself, you will be offering the Divine Master a home in +your heart. It is true that you will suffer, because you will be +like a stranger to your own house; but do not be afraid--the +poorer you are, the more Jesus will love you. I know that He is +better pleased to see you stumbling in the night upon a stony +road, than walking in the full light of day upon a path carpeted +with flowers, because these flowers might hinder your advance. + + +VI + +July 14, 1889. + +MY DARLING SISTER,--I am ever with you in spirit. Yes, it is very +hard to live upon this earth, but to-morrow, in a brief hour, we +shall be at rest. O my God, what shall we then see? What is this +life which will have no end? Our Lord will be the soul of our +soul. O unsearchable mystery! "Eye hath not seen nor ear heard, +neither hath it entered into the heart of man what things God hath +prepared for them that love Him."[10] And all this will come +soon--very soon--if we love Jesus ardently. It seems to me that +God has no need of years to perfect His labour of love in a soul. +One ray from His Heart can in an instant make His flower blossom +forth, never to fade. . . . Celine, during the fleeting moments +that remain to us, let us save souls! I feel that Our Spouse asks +us for souls--above all, for the souls of Priests. . . . It is He +Who bids me tell you this. + +There is but one thing to be done here below: to love Jesus, and +to save souls for Him that He may be more loved. We must not let +slip the smallest opportunity of giving Him joy. We must refuse +Him nothing. He is in such need of love. + +We are His chosen lilies. He dwells as a King in our midst--He +lets us share the honours of His Royalty--His Divine Blood bedews +our petals--and His Thorns as they wound us spread abroad the +perfume of our love. + + +VII + +October 22, 1889. + +MY DEAREST CELINE,--I send you a picture of the Holy Face. The +contemplation of this Divine subject seems to me to belong in a +special way to my little sister, truly the sister of my soul. May +she be another Veronica, and wipe away all the Blood and Tears of +Jesus, her only Love! May she give Him souls! May she force her +way through the soldiers--that is, the world--to come close to His +side. . . . Happy will she be when she sees in Heaven the value of +that mysterious draught with which she quenched the thirst of her +Heavenly Spouse; when she sees His Lips, once parched with burning +thirst, speaking to her the one eternal word--love, and the thanks +which shall have no end. . . . + +Good-bye, dear little Veronica;[11] to-morrow, no doubt, your +Beloved will ask some new sacrifice, a fresh relief for His thirst +. . . but "let us go and die with Him!" + + +VIII + +July 18, 1890. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--I send you a passage from Isaias which +will comfort you. Long ago the Prophet's soul was filled with the +thought of the hidden beauties of the Divine Face, as our souls +are now. Many a century has passed since then. It makes me wonder +what is Time. Time is but a mirage, a dream. Already God sees us +in glory, and rejoices in our everlasting bliss. How much good I +derive from this thought! I understand now why He allows us to +suffer. + +Since Our Beloved has "trodden the wine-press alone,"[12] the +wine-press from which He gives us to drink--on our side let us not +refuse to be clothed in blood-stained garments, or to tread out +for Jesus a new wine which may quench His thirst! When "He looks +around Him," He will not be able to say now that "He is +alone"[13]--we shall be there to help Him. + +"His look as it were hidden."[14] Alas! it is so even to this day, +and no one understands His Tears. "Open to Me, My Sister, My +Spouse," he says to us, "for My Head is full of dew and My Locks +of the drops of the night."[15] Thus Jesus complains to our souls +when He is deserted and forgotten . . . _To be forgotten._ It is +this, I think, which gives Him most pain. + +And our dear Father!--it is heartrending, but how can we repine +since Our Lord Himself was looked upon "as one struck by God and +afflicted"?[16] In this great sorrow we should forget ourselves, +and pray for Priests--our lives must be entirely devoted to them. +Our Divine Master makes me feel more and more that this is what He +asks of you and me. + + +IX + +September 23, 1890. + +O Celine, how can I tell you all that is happening within me? What +a wound I have received! And yet I feel it is inflicted by a +loving Hand, by a Hand divinely jealous. + +All was ready for my espousals;[17] but do you not think that +something was still wanting to the feast? It is true, Jesus had +already enriched me with many jewels, but no doubt there was one +of incomparable beauty still missing; this priceless diamond He +has given me to-day . . . Papa will not be here to-morrow! Celine, +I confess that I have cried bitterly. . . . I am still crying so +that I can scarcely hold my pen. + +You know how intensely I longed to see our dearest Father again; +but now I feel that it is God's Will that he should not be at my +feast. God has allowed it simply to try our love. Jesus wishes me +to be an orphan . . . to be alone, with Him alone, so that He may +unite Himself more closely to me. He wishes, too, to give me back +in Heaven this joy so lawfully desired, but which He has denied me +here on earth. + +To-day's trial is one of those sorrows that are difficult to +understand: a joy was set before us, one most natural and easy of +attainment. We stretched forth our hands . . . and the coveted joy +was withdrawn. But it is not the hand of man which has done this +thing--it is God's work. Celine, understand your Therese, and let +us accept cheerfully the thorn which is offered us. To-morrow's +feast will be one of tears, but I feel that Jesus will be greatly +consoled. . . . + + +X + +October 14, 1890. + +MY DARLING SISTER,--I know quite well all you are suffering. I +know your anguish, and I share it. Oh! If I could but impart to +you the peace which Jesus has put into my soul amid my most bitter +tears. Be comforted--all passes away. Our life of yesterday is +spent; death too will come and go, and then we shall rejoice in +life, true life, for countless ages, for evermore. Meanwhile let +us make of our heart a garden of delights where Our sweet Saviour +may come and take His rest. Let us plant only lilies there, and +sing with St. John of the Cross: + +"There I remained in deep oblivion, My head reposing upon Him I +love, Lost to myself and all! I cast my cares away And let them, +heedless, mid the lilies lie."[18] + + +XI + +April 26, 1891. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--Three years ago our hearts had not yet +been bruised, and life was one glad smile. Then Jesus looked down +upon us, and all things were changed into an ocean of tears . . . +but likewise into an ocean of grace and of love. God has taken +from us him whom we loved so tenderly--was it not that we might be +able to say more truly than ever: "Our Father Who art in heaven"? +How consoling is this divine word, and what vast horizons it opens +before us! + +My darling Celine, you who asked me so many questions when we were +little, I wonder how it was you never asked: "Why has God not made +me an Angel?" Well, I am going to tell you. Our Lord wishes to +have His Court here on earth, as He has in Heaven; He wishes for +angel-martyrs and angel-apostles; and if He has not made you an +Angel in Heaven, it is because He wishes you to be an Angel of +earth, so that you may be able to suffer for His Love. + +Dearest sister, the shadows will soon disappear, the rays of the +Eternal Sun will thaw the hoar frost of winter. . . . A little +longer, and we shall be in our true country, and our childhood's +joys--those Sunday evenings, those outpourings of the heart--will +be given back to us for ever! + + +XII + +August 15, 1892. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--To write to you to-day I am obliged to +steal a little time from Our Lord. He will forgive, because it is +of Him that we are going to speak together. The vast solitudes and +enchanting views which unfold themselves before you ought to +uplift your soul. I do not see those things, and I content myself +by saying with St. John of the Cross in his Spiritual Canticle: + +In Christ I have the mountains, The quiet, wooded valleys. + +Lately I have been thinking what I could undertake for the +salvation of souls, and these simple words of the Gospel have +given me light. Pointing to the fields of ripe corn, Jesus once +said to His disciples: "Lift up your eyes and see the fields, for +they are already white with the harvest";[19] and again: "The +harvest indeed is great, but the labourers are few; pray ye +therefore the Lord of the harvest that He send forth +labourers."[20] + +Here is a mystery indeed! Is not Jesus all-powerful? Do not +creatures belong to Him who made them? Why does He deign to say: +"Pray ye the Lord of the harvest that He send forth labourers"? It +is because His Love for us is so unsearchable, so tender, that He +wishes us to share in all He does. The Creator of the Universe +awaits the prayer of a poor little soul to save a multitude of +other souls, ransomed, like her, at the price of His Blood. + +Our vocation is not to go forth and reap in Our Father's fields. +Jesus does not say to us: "Look down and reap the harvest." Our +mission is even more sublime. "Lift up your eyes and see," saith +our Divine Master, "see how in Heaven there are empty thrones. It +is for you to fill them. . . . You are as Moses praying on the +mountain, so ask Me for labourers and they shall be sent. I only +await a prayer, a sigh! Is not the apostolate of prayer--so to +speak--higher than that of the spoken word? It is for us by prayer +to train workers who will spread the glad tidings of the Gospel +and who will save countless souls--the souls to whom we shall be +the spiritual Mothers. What, then, have we to envy in the Priests +of the Lord? + + +XIII + +MY DARLING SISTER,--The affection of our childhood days has +changed into a closest union of mind and heart. Jesus has drawn us +to Him together, for are you not already His? He has put the world +beneath our feet. Like Zaccheus we have climbed into a tree to +behold Him--mysterious tree, raising us high above all things, +from whence we can say: "All is mine, all is for me: the Earth and +the Heavens are mine, God Himself is mine, and the Mother of my +God is for me."[21] + +Speaking of that Blessed Mother, I must tell you of one of my +simple ways. Sometimes I find myself saying to her: "Dearest +Mother, it seems to me that I am happier than you. I have you for +my Mother, and you have no Blessed Virgin to love. . . . It is +true, you are the Mother of Jesus, but you have given Him to me; +and He, from the Cross, has given you to be our Mother--thus we +are richer than you! Long ago, in your humility, you wished to +become the little handmaid of the Mother of God; and I--poor +little creature--am not your handmaid but your child! You are the +Mother of Jesus, and you are also _mine!"_ + +Our greatness in Jesus is verily marvellous, my Celine. He has +unveiled for us many a mystery by making us climb the mystical +tree of which I spoke above. And now what science is He going to +teach? Have we not learned all things from Him? + +"Make haste to come down, for this day I must abide in thy +house."[22] Jesus bids us come down. Where, then, must we go? The +Jews asked Him: "Master, where dwellest thou?"[23] And He +answered, "The foxes have holes and the birds of the air nests, +but the Son of Man hath not where to lay His Head."[24] If we are +to be the dwelling-place of Jesus, we must come down even to +this--we must be so poor that we have not where to lay our heads. + +This grace of light has been given to me during my retreat. Our +Lord desires that we should receive Him into our hearts, and no +doubt they are empty of creatures. Alas! mine is not empty of +self; that is why He bids me come down. And I shall come down even +to the very ground, that Jesus may find within my heart a +resting-place for His Divine Head, and may feel that there at +least He is loved and understood. + + +XIV + +April 25, 1893. + +MY LITTLE CELINE,--I must come and disclose the desires of Jesus +with regard to your soul. Remember that He did not say: "I am the +flower of the gardens, a carefully-tended Rose"; but, "I am the +Flower of the fields and the Lily of the valleys."[25] Well, you +must be always as a drop of dew hidden in the heart of this +beautiful Lily of the valley. + +The dew-drop--what could be simpler, what more pure? It is not the +child of the clouds; it is born beneath the starry sky, and +survives but a night. When the sun darts forth its ardent rays, +the delicate pearls adorning each blade of grass quickly pass into +the lightest of vapour. . . . There is the portrait of my little +Celine! She is a drop of dew, an offspring of Heaven--her true +Home. Through the night of this life she must hide herself in the +_Field-flower's_ golden cup; no eye must discover her abode. + +Happy dewdrop, known to God alone, think not of the rushing +torrents of this world! Envy not even the crystal stream which +winds among the meadows. The ripple of its waters is sweet indeed, +but it can be heard by creatures. Besides, the Field-flower could +never contain it in its cup. One must be so little to draw near to +Jesus, and few are the souls that aspire to be little and unknown. +"Are not the river and the brook," they urge, "of more use than a +dewdrop? Of what avail is it? Its only purpose is to refresh for +one moment some poor little field-flower." + +Ah! They little know the true _Flower of the field._ Did they know +Him they would understand better Our Lord's reproach to Martha. +Our Beloved needs neither our brilliant deeds nor our beautiful +thoughts. Were He in search of lofty ideas, has He not His Angels, +whose knowledge infinitely surpasses that of the greatest genius +of earth? Neither intellect nor other talents has He come to seek +among us. . . . He has become the _Flower of the field_ to show +how much He loves simplicity. + +_The Lily of the valley_ asks but a single dewdrop, which for one +night shall rest in its cup, hidden from all human eyes. But when +the shadows shall begin to fade, when the _Flower of the field_ +shall have become the _Sun of Justice,_[26] then the dewdrop--the +humble sharer of His exile--will rise up to Him as love's vapour. +He will shed on her a ray of His light, and before the whole court +of Heaven she will shine eternally like a precious pearl, a +dazzling mirror of the Divine Sun. + + +XV + +August 2, 1893. + +MY DEAR CELINE,--What you write fills me with joy; you are making +your way by a royal road. The Spouse in the Canticles, unable to +find her Beloved in the time of repose, went forth to seek Him in +the city. But in vain . . . it was only without the walls she +found Him. It is not in the sweetness of repose that Jesus would +have us discover His Adorable Presence. He hides Himself and +shrouds Himself in darkness. True, this was not His way with the +multitude, for we read that all the people were carried away as +soon as He spoke to them. + +The weaker souls He charmed by His divine eloquence with the aim +of strengthening them against the day of temptation and trial, but +His faithful friends were few that day when "He was silent"[27] in +the presence of His judges. Sweet melody to my heart is that +silence of the Divine Master! + +He would have us give Him alms as to a poor man, and puts +Himself--so to speak--at our mercy. He will take nothing that is +not cheerfully given, and the veriest trifle is precious in His +Divine Eyes. He stretches forth His Hand to receive a little love, +that in the radiant day of the Judgment He may speak to us those +ineffably sweet words: "Come, ye blessed of My Father, for I was +hungry and you gave Me to drink, I was a stranger and you took Me +in, I was sick and you visited Me, I was in prison and you came to +Me."[28] + +Dearest Celine, let us rejoice in the lot that is ours! Let us +give and give again, and give royally, never forgetting that Our +Beloved is a hidden Treasure which few souls know how to find. Now +to discover that which is hidden we must needs hide ourselves in +the hiding-place. Let our life, then, be one of concealment. The +author of the _Imitation_ tells us: + +"If thou would'st know and learn something to the purpose, love to +be unknown, and to be esteemed as nothing . . . [29] Having +forsaken all things, a man should forsake himself. . . [30] Let +this man glory in this and another in that, but thou for thy part +rejoice neither in this nor in that, but in the contempt of +thyself."[31] + + +XVI + +MY DEAR CELINE,--You tell me that my letters do good to you. I am +indeed glad, but I assure you that I am under no misapprehension: +"Unless the Lord build the house, they labour in vain who build +it."[32] The greatest eloquence cannot call forth a single act of +love without that grace which touches the heart. + +Think of a beautiful peach with its delicate tint of rose, with +its flavour so sweet that no human skill could invent such nectar. +Tell me, Celine, is it for the peach's own sake that God created +that colour so fair to the eye, that velvety covering so soft to +the touch? Is it for itself that He made it so sweet? Nay, it is +for us; the only thing that is all its own and is essential to its +being, is the stone; it possesses nothing beyond. + +Thus also it pleases Jesus to lavish His gifts on certain souls in +order to draw yet others to Himself; in His Mercy He humbles them +inwardly and gently compels them to recognise their nothingness +and His Almighty Power. Now this sentiment of humility is like a +kernel of grace which God hastens to develop against that blessed +day, when, clothed with an imperishable beauty, they will be +placed, without danger, on the banqueting-table of Paradise. Dear +little sister, sweet echo of my soul, Therese is far from the +heights of fervour at this moment; but when I am in this state of +spiritual dryness, unable to pray, or to practise virtue, I look +for little opportunities, for the smallest trifles, to please my +Jesus: a smile or a kind word, for instance, when I would wish to +be silent, or to show that I am bored. If no such occasion offer, +I try at least to say over and over again that I love Him. This is +not hard, and it keeps alive the fire in my heart. Even should the +fire of love seem dead, I would still throw my tiny straws on the +ashes, and I am confident it would light up again. + +It is true I am not always faithful, but I never lose courage. I +leave myself in the Arms of Our Lord. He teaches me to draw profit +from everything, from the good and from the bad which He finds in +me.[33] He teaches me to speculate in the Bank of Love, or rather +it is He Who speculates for me, without telling me how He does +it--that is His affair, not mine. I have but to surrender myself +wholly to Him, to do so without reserve, without even the +satisfaction of knowing what it is all bringing to me. . . . After +all, I am not the prodigal child, and Jesus need not trouble about +a feast for me, _because I am always with Him._[34] + +I have read in the Gospel that the Good Shepherd leaves the +faithful ones of His flock in the desert to hasten after the lost +sheep. This confidence touches me deeply. You see He is sure of +them. How could they stray away? They are prisoners of Love. In +like manner does the Beloved Shepherd of our souls deprive us of +the sweets of His Presence, to give His consolations to sinners; +or if He lead us to Mount Thabor it is but for one brief moment +. . . the pasture land is nearly always in the valleys, "it is +there +that He takes His rest at mid-day."[35] + + +XVII + +October 20, 1893. + +MY DEAR SISTER,--I find in the Canticle of Canticles this passage +which may be fitly applied to you: "What dost thou see in thy +beloved but a band of musicians in an armed camp?"[36] Through +suffering, your life has in truth become a battle-field, and there +must be a band of musicians, so you shall be the little harp of +Jesus. But no concert is complete without singing, and if Jesus +plays, must not Celine make melody with her voice? When the music +is plaintive, she will sing the songs of exile; when the music is +gay, she will lilt the airs of her Heavenly Home. . . . + +Whatever may happen, all earthly events, be they happy or sad, +will be but distant sounds, unable to awake a vibration from the +harp of Jesus. He reserves to Himself alone the right of lightly +touching its strings. + +I cannot think without delight of that sweet saint, Cecilia. What +an example she gives us! In the midst of a pagan world, in the +very heart of danger, at the moment when she was to be united to a +man whose love was so utterly of earth, it seems to me as if she +should have wept and trembled with fear. But instead, "during the +music of the marriage-feast Cecilia kept singing in her +heart."[37] What perfect resignation! No doubt she heard other +melodies than those of this world; her Divine Spouse too was +singing, and the Angels repeated in chorus the refrain of +Bethlehem's blessed night: "Glory to God in the highest, and on +earth peace to men of goodwill."[38] + +The Glory of God! St. Cecilia understood it well, and longed for +it with all her heart. She guessed that her Jesus was thirsting +for souls . . . and that is why her whole desire was to bring to +Him quickly the soul of the young Roman, whose only thought was of +human glory. This wise Virgin will make of him a Martyr, and +multitudes will follow in his footsteps. She knows no fear: the +Angels in their song made promise of peace. She knows that the +Prince of Peace is bound to protect her, to guard her virginity, +and to make her recompense. . . . "Oh, how beautiful is the chaste +generation!"[39] + +Dearest sister, I hardly know what I write; I let my pen follow +the dictates of my heart. You tell me that you feel your weakness, +but that is a grace. It is Our Lord Who sows the seeds of distrust +of self in your soul. Do not be afraid! If you do not fail to give +Him pleasure in small things, he will be obliged to help you in +great ones. + +The Apostles laboured long without Him, they toiled a whole night +and caught no fish. Their labours were not inacceptable to him, +but He wished to prove that He is the Giver of all things. So an +act of humility was asked of the Apostles, and Our loving Lord +called to them: "Children, have you anything to eat?"[40] St. +Peter, avowing his helplessness, cried out: "Lord, we have +laboured all the night, and have taken nothing."[41] It is enough, +the Heart of Jesus is touched. . . . Had the Apostle caught some +small fish, perhaps our Divine Master would not have worked a +miracle; but he had caught _nothing,_ and so through the power and +goodness of God his nets were soon filled with great fishes. Such +is Our Lord's way. He gives as God--with divine largesse--but He +insists on humility of heart. + + +XVIII + +July 7, 1894. + +MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--I do not know if you are still in the same +frame of mind as when you last wrote to me; I presume that you +are, and I answer with this passage of the Canticle of Canticles, +which explains so well the state of a soul in utter dryness, a +soul which cannot find joy or consolation in anything: "I went +down into the garden of nut-trees to see the fruits of the +valleys, and to look if the vineyard had flourished, and the +pomegranates were in bud. I no longer knew where I was: my soul +was troubled because of the chariots of Aminadab."[42] + +There is the true picture of our souls. Often we go down in the +fertile valleys where our heart loves to find its nourishment; and +the vast fields of Holy Scripture, which have so often opened to +yield us richest treasures, now seem but an arid and waterless +waste. We no longer even know where we stand. In place of peace +and light, all is sorrow and darkness. But, like the Spouse in the +Canticles, we know the cause of this trial: "My soul was troubled +because of the chariots of Aminadab." We are not as yet in our +true country, and as gold is tired in the fire so must our souls +be purified by temptation. We sometimes think we are abandoned. +Alas! _the chariots_--that is to say, the idle clamours which +beset and disturb us--are they within the soul or without? We +cannot tell, but Jesus knows; He sees all our grief, and in the +night, on a sudden, His Voice is heard: "Return, return, O +Sulamitess: return, return, that we may behold thee."[43] + +O gracious call! We dared no longer even look upon ourselves, the +sight filled us with horror, and Jesus calls us that He may look +upon us at leisure. He wills to see us; He comes, and with Him +come the other two Persons of the Adorable Trinity to take +possession of our soul. + +Our Lord had promised this, when, with unspeakable tenderness, He +had said of old: "If anyone love Me he will keep My word, and My +Father will love him, and We will come to him, and will make Our +abode with him."[44] To keep the word of Jesus, then, is one +condition of our happiness, the proof of our love for Him; and +this word seems to me to be His very Self, for He calls Himself +the Uncreated _Word_ of the Father. + +In the same Gospel of St. John He makes the sublime prayer: +"Sanctify them by Thy word, Thy word is truth."[45] And in another +passage Jesus teaches us that He is "the Way and the Truth and the +Life."[46] We know, then, what is this word which must be kept; we +cannot say, like Pilate: "What is truth?"[47] We possess the +Truth, for our Beloved dwells in our hearts. + +Often _this Beloved is to us a bundle of myrrh._[48] We share the +chalice of His sufferings; but how sweet it will be to us one day +to hear these gentle words: "You are they who have continued with +Me in My temptations, and I dispose to you, as My Father hath +disposed to Me, a kingdom."[49] + + +XIX + +August 19, 1894. + +This is perhaps the last time that I need have recourse to writing +in order to talk to you, my dear little sister. God in His +goodness has granted my dearest wish. Come, and we will suffer +together . . . Then Jesus will take one of us, and the others will +remain in exile yet a little longer. Now, listen well to what I am +going to say: God will never, never separate us; and if I die +before you, do not think that I shall be far away--never shall we +have been more closely united. You must not be grieved at my +childish prophecy. I am not ill, I have an iron constitution; but +the Lord can break iron as if it were clay. + +Our dear Father makes his presence felt in a way which touches me +deeply. After a death lasting for five long years, what joy to +find him as he used to be, nay, more a father than ever! How well +he is going to repay you for the care you so generously bestowed +on him! You were his Angel, now he will be yours. He has only been +one month in heaven, and already, through the power of his +intercession, all your plans are succeeding. It is easy for him +now to arrange matters for us, and he has had less to suffer on +Celine's account than he had for his poor little Queen. + +For a long time you have been asking me for news about the +noviciate, especially about my work, and now I am going to satisfy +you. In my dealings with the novices I am like a setter on the +scent of game. The role gives me much anxiety because it so very +exacting. You shall decide for yourself if this be not the case. +All day long, from morn till night, I am in pursuit of game. +Mother Prioress and the Novice Mistress play the part of +sportsmen--but sportsmen are too big to be creeping through the +cover, whereas a little dog can push its way in anywhere . . . and +then its scent is so keen! I keep a close watch upon my little +rabbits; I do not want to do them any harm, but I tell them +gently: "You must keep your fur glossy, and must not look +foolishly about as does a rabbit of the warren." In fact, I try to +make them such as the Hunter of Souls would have them, simple +little creatures that go on browsing heedless of everything else. + +I laugh now, but seriously I am quite convinced that one of these +rabbits--you know which one I mean--is worth a hundred times more +than the setter; it has run through many a danger, and I own that, +had I been in its place, I should have long since been lost for +ever in the great forest of the world. + + +XX + +I am so glad, dearest Celine, that you do not feel any particular +attraction at the thought of entering the Carmel. This is really a +mark of Our Lord's favour, and shows that He looks for a gift from +your hands. He knows that it is so much sweeter to give than to +receive. What happiness to suffer for Him Who loves us even unto +folly, and to pass for fools in the eyes of the world! We judge +others by ourselves, and, as the world will not hearken to reason, +it calls us unreasonable too. + +We may console ourselves, we are not the first. Folly was the only +crime with which Herod could reproach Our Lord . . . and, after +all, Herod was right. Yes, indeed, it was folly to come and seek +the poor hearts of mortal men to make them thrones for Him, the +King of Glory, Who sitteth above the Cherubim! Was He not +supremely happy in the company of His Father and the Holy Spirit +of Love? Why, then, come down on earth to seek sinners and make of +them His closest friends? Nay, our folly could never exceed His, +and our deeds are quite within the bounds of reason. The world may +leave us alone. I repeat, it is the world that is _insane,_ +because it heeds not what Jesus has done and suffered to save it +from eternal damnation. + +We are neither idlers nor spendthrifts. Our Divine Master has +taken our defence upon Himself. Remember the scene in the house of +Lazarus: Martha was serving, while Mary had no thought of food but +only of how she could please her Beloved. And "she broke her +alabaster box, and poured out upon her Saviour's Head the precious +spikenard,[50] and the house was filled with the odour of the +ointment."[51] + +The Apostles murmured against Magdalen. This still happens, for so +do men murmur against us. Even some fervent Catholics think our +ways are exaggerated, and that--with Martha--we ought to wait upon +Jesus, instead of pouring out on Him the odorous ointment of our +lives. Yet what does it matter if these ointment-jars--our +lives--be broken, since Our Lord is consoled, and the world in +spite of itself is forced to inhale the perfumes they give forth? +It has much need of these perfumes to purify the unwholesome air +it breathes. + +For a while only, good-bye, dearest sister. Your barque is near to +port. The breezes filling its sails are the zephyrs of +Love--breezes that speed more swiftly than the lightning-flash. +Good-bye! in a few days we shall be together within these Carmel +walls . . . and in the after days together in Paradise. Did not +Jesus say during His Passion: "Hereafter you shall see the Son of +Man sitting on the right hand of the power of God and coming in +the clouds of heaven"?[52] . . . We shall be there! + +THERESE. +_____________________________ + +[1] Matt. 3:10. + +[2] Matt. 5:48. + +[3] Apoc. 21:4. + +[4] St. John of the Cross. + +[5] Mme. Swetchine. + +[6] Exodus 4:25. + +[7] I Cor. 7:31. + +[8] Cf. Ps. 136:2. + +[9] Cf. Ps. 136:1, 4. + +[10] I Cor. 2:9. + +[11] It is remarkable that Soeur Therese applied this name to her +sister Celine, who, under her inspiration, was later to reproduce +so faithfully the true likeness of Our Lord, from the Holy Winding +Sheet of Turin. [Ed.] [Remainder of long footnote, discussing this +likeness, its reproduction, and related matters, omitted from this +electronic edition.] + +[12] Isa. 63:3. + +[13] Cf. Isa. 63:5. + +[14] Isa. 53:3. + +[15] Cant. 5:2. + +[16] Is. 53:4. + +[17] Soeur Therese received the veil on September 24, 1890. + +[18] St. John of the Cross: _The Night of the Soul,_ 8th stanza. + +[19] John 4:35. + +[20] Matt. 9:37, 38. + +[21] St. John of the Cross. + +[22] Luke 19:5. + +[23] John 1:38. + +[24] Luke 9:58. + +[25] Cant. 2:1. + +[26] Malachias 4:2. + +[27] Matt. 26:23. + +[28] Matt. 25:34-36. + +[29] _Imit.,_ Bk. I, ch. ii. 3. + +[30] _Ib.,_ Bk. II, ch. xi. 4. + +[31] _Ib.,_ Bk. III, ch. xlix. 7. + +[32] Ps. 126[127]:1. + +[33] St. John of the Cross. + +[34] Cf. Luke 15:31. + +[35] Cant. 1:6. + +[36] Cf. Cant. 7:1. + +[37] Office of St. Cecilia. + +[38] Luke 2:14. + +[39] Wisdom 4:1. + +[40] John 21:5. + +[41] Luke 5:5. Soeur Therese joins in one the two miraculous +draughts of fishes. [Ed.] + +[42] Cf. Cant. 6:10, 11. + +[43] Cant. 6:12. + +[44] John 14:23. + +[45] Cf. John 17:17. + +[46] John 14:6. + +[47] John 18:38. + +[48] Cf. Cant. 1:12. + +[49] Luke 22:28, 29. + +[50] Cf. Mark 14:3. + +[51] John 12:3. + +[52] Matt. 26:64. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO MOTHER AGNES OF JESUS + +Selections + + +I + +(Written in 1887, shortly before Therese entered the Carmel.) + +MY DARLING LITTLE MOTHER,--You are right when you tell me that +every cup must contain its drop of gall. I find that trials are a +great help towards detachment from the things of earth: they make +one look higher than this world. Nothing here can satisfy, and we +can find rest only in holding ourselves ready to do God's will. + +My frail barque has great difficulty in reaching port. I sighted +it long since, and still I find myself afar off. Yet Jesus steers +this little barque, and I am sure that on His appointed day it +will come safely to the blessed haven of the Carmel. O Pauline! +when Jesus shall have vouchsafed me this grace, I wish to give +myself entirely to Him, to suffer always for Him, to live for Him +alone. I do not fear His rod, for even when the smart is keenest +we feel that it is His sweet Hand which strikes. + +It is such joy to think that for each pain cheerfully borne we +shall love God more through eternity. Happy should I be if at the +hour of my death I could offer Jesus a single soul. There would be +one soul less in hell, and one more to bless God in Heaven. + + +II + +(Written during her retreat before receiving the habit.) + +January, 1889. + +Dryness and drowsiness--such is the state of my soul in its +intercourse with Jesus! But since my Beloved wishes to sleep I +shall not prevent Him. I am only too happy that He does not treat +me as a stranger, but rather in a homely way. He riddles his +"little ball" with pin-pricks that hurt indeed, though when they +come from the Hand of this loving Friend, the pain is all +sweetness, so gentle in His touch. How different the hand of man! + +Yet I am happy, most happy to suffer! If Jesus Himself does not +pierce me, He guides the hand which does. Mother! If you knew how +utterly indifferent to earthly things I desire to be, and of how +little concern to me are all the beauties of creation. I should be +wretched were I to possess them. My heart seems so vast when I +think of the goods of earth--all of them together unable to fill +it. But by the side of Jesus how small does it appear! He is full +good to me--this God who soon will be my Spouse. He is divinely +lovable for not permitting me to be the captive of any passing +joy. He knows well that if He sent me but a shadow of earthly +happiness I should cling to it with all the intense ardour of my +heart, and He refuses even this shadow . . . He prefers to leave +me in darkness, rather than afford me a false glimmer which would +not be Himself. + +I do not wish creatures to have one atom of my love. I wish to +give all to Jesus, since He makes me understand that He alone is +perfect happiness. All!--all shall be for Him! And even when I +have nothing, as is the case to-night, I will give Him this +nothing . . . + + +III + +1889. + +. . . . . . . + +I have a longing for those heart-wounds, those pin-pricks which +inflict so much pain. I know of no ecstasy to which I do not +prefer sacrifice. There I find happiness, and there alone. The +slender reed has no fear of being broken, for it is planted beside +the waters of Love. When, therefore, it bends before the gale, it +gathers strength in the refreshing stream, and longs for yet +another storm to pass and sway its head. My very weakness makes me +strong. No harm can come to me since, in whatever happens, I see +only the tender Hand of Jesus . . . Besides, no suffering is too +big a price to pay for the glorious palm. + + +IV + +(Written during her retreat before profession.) + +September, 1890. + +MY DEAREST MOTHER,--Your little hermit must give you an account of +her journey. Before starting, my Beloved asked me in what land I +wished to travel, and what road I wished to take. I told him that +I had only one desire, that of reaching the summit of the +_Mountain of Love._ + +Thereupon roads innumerable spread before my gaze, but so many of +these were perfect that I felt incapable of choosing any of my own +free will. Then I said to my Divine Guide: "Thou knowest where +lies the goal of my desire, and for Whose sake I would climb the +Mountain. Thou knowest Who possesses the love of my heart. For Him +only I set out on this journey; lead me therefore by the paths of +His choosing: my joy shall be full if only He is pleased." + +And Our Lord took me by the hand, and led me through an +underground passage where it is neither hot nor cold, where the +sun shines not, and where neither wind nor rain can enter--a place +where I see nothing but a half-veiled light, the light that gleams +from the downcast Eyes of the Face of Jesus. + +My Spouse speaks not a word, and I say nothing save that I love +Him more than myself; and in the depths of my heart I know this is +true, for I am more His than mine. I cannot see that we are +advancing toward our journey's goal since we travel by a +subterranean way; and yet, without knowing how, it seems to me +that we are nearing the summit of the Mountain. + +I give thanks to my Jesus for making me walk in darkness, and in +this darkness I enjoy profound peace. Willingly do I consent to +remain through all my religious life in this gloomy passage into +which He has led me. I desire only that my darkness may obtain +light for sinners. I am content, nay, full of joy, to be without +all consolation. I should be ashamed if my love were like that of +those earthly brides who are ever looking for gifts from their +bridegrooms, or seeking to catch the loving smile which fills them +with delight. + +Therese, the little Spouse of Jesus, loves Him for Himself; she +only looks on the Face of her Beloved to catch a glimpse of the +Tears which delight her with their secret charm. She longs to wipe +away those Tears, or to gather them up like priceless diamonds +with which to adorn her bridal dress. _Jesus!_ . . . _Oh! I would +so love Him! Love Him as He has never yet been loved!_ . . . + +At all cost I must win the palm of St. Agnes; if it cannot be mine +through blood, I must win it by Love. + + +V + +1891. + +Love can take the place of a long life. Jesus does not consider +time, for He is Eternal. He only looks at the love. My little +Mother, beg Him to bestow it upon me in full measure. I do not +desire that thrill of love which I can feel; if Jesus feel its +thrill, then that is enough for me. It is so sweet to love Him, to +make Him loved. Ask Him to take me to Him on my profession-day, if +by living on I should ever offend Him, because I wish to bear +unsullied to Heaven the white robe of my second Baptism.[1] Now +Jesus can grant me the grace never to offend Him more, or rather +never to commit any faults but those which do not offend Him or +give Him pain; faults which serve but to humble me and strengthen +my love. There is no one to lean on apart from Jesus. He alone +faileth not, and it is exceeding joy to think that He can never +change. + + +VI + +1891. + +MY DEAREST LITTLE MOTHER,--Your letter has done me such good. The +sentence: "Let us refrain from saying a word which could raise us +in the eyes of others," has indeed enlightened my soul. Yes, we +must keep all for Jesus with jealous care. It is so good to work +for Him alone. How it fills the heart with joy, and lends wings to +the soul! Ask of Jesus that Therese--His _grain of sand_--may save +Him a multitude of souls in a short space of time, so that she may +the sooner behold His Adorable Face. + + +VII + +1892. + +Here is the dream of this "grain of sand": Love Jesus alone, and +naught else beside! The grain of sand is so small that if it +wished to open its heart to any other but Jesus, there would no +longer be room for this Beloved. + +What happiness to be so entirely hidden that no one gives us a +thought--to be unknown even to those with whom we live! My little +Mother, I long to be unknown to everyone of God's creatures! I +have never desired glory amongst men, and if their contempt used +to attract my heart, I have realized that even this is too +glorious for me, and I thirst to be forgotten. + +The Glory of Jesus--this is my sole ambition. I abandon my glory +to Him; and if He seem to forget me, well, He is free to do so +since I am no longer my own, but His. He will weary sooner of +making me wait than I shall of waiting. + + +VIII + +[One day when Soeur Therese was suffering acutely from +feverishness, one of the Sisters urged her to help in a difficult +piece of painting. For a moment Therese's countenance betrayed an +inward struggle, which did not escape the notice of Mother Agnes +of Jesus. That same evening Therese wrote her the following +letter.] + +May 28, 1897. + +MY DEAREST MOTHER,--I have just been shedding sweet tears--tears +of repentance, but still more of thankfulness and love. To-day I +showed you the treasure of my patience, and how virtuous I am--I +who preach so well to others! I am glad that you have seen my want +of perfection. You did not scold me, and yet I deserved it. But at +all times your gentleness speaks to me more forcibly than would +severe words. To me you are the image of God's Mercy. + +Sister N., on the contrary, is more often the image of God's +severity. Well, I have just met her, and, instead of passing me +coldly by, she embraced me and said: "Poor little Sister, I am so +sorry . . . I do not want to tire you; it was wrong of me to ask +your help; leave the work alone." In my heart I felt perfect +sorrow, and I was much surprised to escape all blame. I know she +must really deem me imperfect. She spoke in this way because she +thinks I am soon to die. However that may be, I have heard nothing +but kind and tender words from her; and so I consider her most +kind, and myself an unamiable creatures. + +When I returned to our cell, I was wondering what Jesus thought, +when all at once I remembered His words to the woman taken in +adultery: "Hath no man condemned thee?"[2] With tears in my eyes, +I answered Him: "No one, Lord, . . . neither my little Mother--the +image of Thy Mercy--nor Sister N., the image of Thy Justice. I +feel that I can go in peace, because neither wilt Thou condemn me." + +I confess I am much happier because of my weakness than +if--sustained by grace--I had been a model of patience. It does me +so much good to see that Jesus is always sweet and tender towards +me. Truly it is enough to make me die of grateful love. + +My little Mother, you will understand how this evening the vessel +of God's Mercy has overflowed for your child. . . . _Even now I +know it! Yea, all my hopes will be fulfilled_ . . . + +VERILY THE LORD WILL WORK WONDERS FOR ME, AND THEY WILL INFINITELY +SURPASS MY BOUNDLESS DESIRES. +_____________________________ + +[1] Soeur Therese here alludes to the probable opinion of +theologians that--as in Baptism--all stain of sin is removed and +all temporal punishment for sin remitted, by the vows taken on the +day of religious profession. [Ed.] + +[2] John 8:10. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO SISTER MARY OF THE SACRED HEART + + +I + +February 21, 1888. + +MY DEAR MARIE,--You cannot think what a lovely present Papa made +me last week; I believe if I gave you a hundred or even a thousand +guesses you would never find out what it was. Well, my dear Father +bought me a new-born lamb, all white and fleecy. He said that +before I entered the Carmel he wanted me to have this pleasure. We +were all delighted, especially Celine. What touched me more than +anything was Papa's thoughtfulness. Besides, a lamb is symbolic, +and it made me think of Pauline. + +So far, so good, but now for the sequel. We were already building +castles in the air, and expected that in two or three days the +lamb would be frisking round us. But the pretty creature died that +same afternoon. Poor little thing, scarcely was it born when it +suffered and died. It looked so gentle and innocent that Celine +made a sketch of it, and then we laid it in a grave dug by Papa. +It appeared to be asleep. I did not want the earth to be its +covering, so we put snow upon our pet, and all was over. + +You do not know, dearest Godmother, how this little creature's +death has made me reflect. Clearly we must not become attached to +anything, no matter how innocent, because it will slip from our +grasp when least expected; nothing but the eternal can content us. + + +II + +(Written during her retreat before receiving the habit.) + +January 8, 1889. + +Your little _Lamb_--as you love to call me, dearest sister--would +borrow from you some strength and courage. I cannot speak to Our +Lord, and He is silent too. Pray that my retreat may be pleasing +to the Heart of Him Who alone reads the secrets of the soul. + +Life is full of sacrifice, it is true, but why seek happiness +here? For life is but "a night to be spent in a wretched inn," as +our holy Mother St. Teresa says. I assure you my heart thirsts +ardently for happiness, but I see clearly that no creature can +quench that thirst. On the contrary, the oftener I would drink +from these seductive waters the more burning will my thirst +become. I know a source where "they that drink shall yet +thirst,"[1] but with a delicious thirst, a thirst one can always +allay. . . . That source is the suffering known to Jesus only. + + +III + +August 14, 1889. + +You ask for a word from your little Lamb. But what shall I say? Is +it not you who have taught me? Remember those days when I sat upon +your knee, and you talked to me of Heaven. + +I can still hear you say: "Look at those who want to become rich, +and see how they toil to obtain money. Now, my little Therese, +through every moment of the day and with far less trouble, we can +lay up riches in Heaven. Diamonds are so plentiful, we can gather +them together as with a rake, and we do this by performing all our +actions for the love of God." Then I would leave you, my heart +overflowing with joy, and fully bent on amassing great wealth. + +Time has flown since those happy hours spent together in our dear +nest. Jesus has visited us, and has found us worthy to be tried in +the crucible of suffering. God has said that on the last day "He +will wipe away all tears from our eyes,"[2] and no doubt the more +tears there are to dry, the greater will be the happiness. + +Pray to-morrow for the little one who owes you her upbringing, and +who, without you, might never have come to the Carmel. + + +IV + +(During her retreat before profession) + +September 4, 1890. + +The heavenly music falls but faintly on the ear of your child, and +it has been a dreary journey towards her Bridal Day. It is true +her Betrothed has led her through fertile lands and gorgeous +scenery, but the dark night has prevented her admiring, much less +revelling in, the beauty all around. Perhaps you think this +grieved her. Oh, no! she is happy to follow her Betrothed for His +own sake, and not for the sake of His gifts. He is so ravishingly +beautiful, even when silent--even when concealed. Weary of earthly +consolation, your little child wishes for her Beloved alone. I +believe that the work of Jesus during this retreat has been to +detach me from everything but Himself. My only comfort is the +exceeding strength and peace that is mine. Besides, I hope to be +just what He wills I should be, and in this lies all my happiness. + +Did you but know how great is my joy at giving pleasure to Jesus +through being utterly deprived of all joy! . . . . Truly this is +the very refinement of all joy--joy we do not feel. + + +V + +September 7, 1890. + +To-morrow I shall be the Spouse of Jesus, of Him Whose "look was +as it were hidden and despised."[3] What a future this alliance +opens up! How can I thank Him, how render myself less unworthy of +so great a favour? + +I thirst after Heaven, that blessed abode where our love for Jesus +will be without bounds. True, we must pass through suffering and +tears to reach that home, but I wish to suffer all that my Beloved +is pleased to send me; I wish to let Him do as He wills with His +"little ball." You tell me, dearest Godmother, that my Holy Child +is beautifully adorned for my wedding-day;[4] perhaps, however, +you wonder why I have not put new rose-coloured candles. The old +ones appeal to me more because they were lighted for the first +time on my clothing-day. They were then fresh and of rosy hue. +Papa had given them to me; he was there, and all was joyful. But +now their tint has faded. Are there yet any rose-coloured joys on +earth for your little Therese? No, for her there are only heavenly +joys; joys where the hollowness of all things gives place to the +Uncreated Reality. + + +VI + +MY DEAREST SISTER,--I do not find it difficult to answer +you. . . . How can you ask me if it be possible for you to love +God as I love Him! My desire for martyrdom is as nothing; it is +not to that I owe the boundless confidence that fills my heart. +Such desires might be described as spiritual riches, which are +_the unjust mammon,_[5] when one is complacent in them as in +something great. . . . These aspirations are a consolation Jesus +sometimes grants to weak souls like mine--and there are many +such! But when He withholds this consolation, it is a special +grace. Remember these words of a holy monk: "The martyrs +suffered with joy, and the King of Martyrs in sorrow." Did not +Jesus cry out: "My father, remove this chalice from Me"?[6] Do +not think, then, that my desires are a proof of my love. Indeed +I know well that it is certainly not these desires which make +God take pleasure in my soul. What does please Him is to find me +love my littleness, my poverty: it is the blind trust which I +have in His Mercy. . . . There is my sole treasure, dearest +Godmother, and why should it not be yours? + +Are you not ready to suffer all that God wills? Assuredly; and so +if you wish to know joy and to love suffering, you are really +seeking your own consolation, because once we love, all suffering +disappears. Verily, if we were to go together to martyrdom, you +would gain great merit, and I should have none, unless it pleased +Our Lord to change my dispositions. + +Dear sister, do you not understand that to love Jesus and to be +His Victim of Love, the more weak and wretched we are the better +material do we make for this consuming and transfiguring Love? +. . . The simple desire to be a Victim suffices, but we must also +consent to ever remain poor and helpless, and here lies the +difficulty: "Where shall we find one that is truly poor in spirit? +We must seek him afar off," says the author of the _Imitation._[7] +He does not say that we must search among great souls, but "afar +off"--that is to say, in abasement and in nothingness. Let us +remain far from all that dazzles, loving our littleness, and +content to have no joy. Then we shall be truly poor in spirit, and +Jesus will come to seek us however far off we may be, and +transform us into flames of Love. . . . I long to make you +understand what I feel. Confidence alone must lead us to +Love. . . . Does not fear lead to the thought of the strict justice +that is threatened to sinners? But that is not the justice Jesus +will show to such as love Him. + +God would not vouchsafe you the desire to be the Victim of His +Merciful Love, were this not a favour in store--or rather already +granted, since you are wholly surrendered unto Him and long to be +consumed by Him, and God never inspires a longing which He cannot +fulfill. + +The road lies clear, and along it we must run together. I feel +that Jesus wishes to bestow on us the same graces; He wishes to +grant us both a free entrance into His Heavenly Kingdom. Dearest +Godmother, you would like to hear still more of the secrets which +Jesus confides to your child, but human speech cannot tell what +the human heart itself can scarcely conceive. Besides, Jesus +confides His secrets to you likewise. This I know, for you it was +who taught me to listen to His Divine teaching. On the day of my +Baptism you promised in my name that I would serve Him alone. You +were the Angel who led me and guided me in my days of exile and +offered me to Our Lord. As a child loves its mother, I love you; +in Heaven only will you realise the gratitude with which my heart +is full to overflowing. + +Your little daughter, + +Teresa of the Child Jesus. +_____________________________ + +[1] Eccles. 24:29. + +[2] Apoc. 21:4. + +[3] Isa. 53:3. + +[4] She alludes to the Statue of the Holy Child in the cloister, +which was under her own special care. [Ed.] + +[5] Luke 16:2. + +[6] Luke 22:42. + +[7] Cf. _Imit.,_ II, xi. 4. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO SISTER FRANCES TERESA[1] + + +I + +August 13, 1893. + +DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--At last your desires are satisfied. Like the +dove sent forth from the ark, you have been unable to find a spot +on earth whereon to rest, and have long been on the wing seeking +to re-enter the blessed abode where your heart had for ever fixed +its home. Jesus has kept you waiting, but at last, touched by the +plaintive cry of His dove, He has put forth His Divine Hand, and, +taking hold of it, has set it in His Heart--that sanctuary of His +Love. + +It is quite a spiritual joy, this joy of mine. For I shall never +look upon you again, never hear your voice as I outpour my heart +into yours. Yet I know that earth is but a halting-place to us who +journey towards a Heavenly Home. What matter if the routes we +follow lie apart? Our goal is the same--that Heaven where we shall +meet, no more to be separated. There we shall taste for ever the +sweets of our earthly home. We shall have much to tell one another +when this exile is ended. Speech here below is so inadequate, but +a single glance will be enough for perfect understanding in our +home beyond; and I believe that our happiness will be greater than +if we had never been parted here. + +Meanwhile we must live by sacrifice. Without it there would be no +merit in the religious life. As someone told us in a conference: +"The reason why the forest oak raises its head so high is because, +hemmed in on all sides, it wastes no sap in putting forth branches +underneath, but towers aloft. Thus in the religious life the soul, +hedged in all around by the rule and by the practice of community +life, of necessity finds there a means of lifting a high head +towards Heaven." + +Dearest sister, pray for your little Therese that she may draw +profit from her exile on earth and from the plentiful means +granted her of meriting Heaven. + + +II + +January, 1895. + +DEAR LITTLE SISTER,--How fruitful for Heaven has been the year +that is gone! . . . Our dear Father has seen that which the eye of +man cannot see, he has heard the minstrelsy of the angels . . . +now his heart understands, and his soul enjoys "the things which +God hath prepared for those who love Him."[2] . . . Our turn will +come, and it is full sweet to think our sails are set towards the +Eternal Shore. + +Do you not find, as I do, that our beloved Father's death has +drawn us nearer to Heaven? More than half of our loved ones +already enjoy the Vision of God, and the five who remain in exile +will follow soon. This thought of the shortness of life gives me +courage, and helps me to put up with the weariness of the journey. +What matters a little toil upon earth? We pass . . . "We have not +here a lasting city."[3] + +Think of your Therese during this month consecrated to the Infant +Jesus, and beg of Him that she may always remain a very little +child. I will offer the same prayer for you, because I know your +desires, and that humility is your favourite virtue. + +Which Therese will be the more fervent? . . . She who will be the +more humble, the more closely united to Jesus, and the more +faithful in making love the mainspring of every action. We must +not let slip one single occasion of sacrifice, everything has such +value in the religious life . . . Pick up a pin from a motive of +love, and you may thereby convert a soul. Jesus alone can make our +deeds of such worth, so let us love Him with every fibre of our +heart. + + +III + +July 12, 1896. + +MY DEAR LITTLE LEONIE,--I should have answered your letter last +Sunday if it had been given to me, but you know that, being the +youngest, I run the risk of not seeing letters for some +considerable time after my sisters, and occasionally not at all. I +only read yours on Friday, so forgive my delay. + +You are right--Jesus is content with a tender look or a sigh of +love. For my part, I find it quite easy to practise perfection, +now that I realise it only means making Jesus captive through His +Heart. Look at a little child who has just vexed its mother, +either by giving way to temper or by disobedience. If it hides in +a corner and is sulky, or if it cries for fear of being punished, +its mother will certainly not forgive the fault. But should it run +to her with its little arms outstreteched, and say; "Kiss me, +Mother; I will not do it again!" what mother would not straightway +clasp her child lovingly to her heart, and forget all it had done? +. . . She knows quite well that her little one will repeat the +fault--no matter, her darling will escape all punishment so long +as it makes appeal to her heart. + +Even when the law of fear was in force, before Our Lord's coming, +the prophet Isaias said--speaking in the name of the King of +Heaven: "Can a woman forget her babe? . . . And if she should +forget, yet will I not forget thee."[4] What a touching promise! +We who live under the law of Love, shall we not profit by the +loving advances made by our Spouse? How can anybody fear Him Who +allows Himself to be made captive "with one hair of our neck"?[5] + +Let us learn to keep Him prisoner--this God, the Divine Beggar of +love. By telling us that a single hair can work this wonder, He +shows us that the smallest actions done for His Love are those +which charm His Heart. If it were necessary to do great things, we +should be deserving of pity, but we are happy beyond measure, +because Jesus lets Himself be led captive by the smallest action. +. . . With you, dear Leonie, little sacrifices are never lacking. +Is not your life made up of them? I rejoice to see you in presence +of such wealth, especially when I remember that you know how to +make profit thereby, not only for yourself but likewise for poor +sinners. It is so sweet to help Jesus to save the souls which He +has ransomed at the price of His Precious Blood, and which only +await our help to keep them from the abyss. + +It seems to me that if our sacrifices take Jesus captive, our joys +make Him prisoner too. All that is needful to attain this end is, +that instead of giving ourselves over to selfish happiness, we +offer to our Spouse the little joys He scatters in our path, to +charm our hearts and draw them towards Him. + +You ask for news of my health. Well, my cough has quite +disappeared. Does that please you? It will not prevent Our Lord +from taking me to Himself whensoever He wishes. And I need not +prepare for that journey, since my whole endeavour is to remain as +a little child. Jesus Himself must pay all its expenses, as well +as the price of my admission to Heaven. + +Good-bye, dearest one, pray to Him without fail for the last and +least of your sisters. + + +IV + +July 17, 1897. + +MY DEAR LEONIE,--I am so pleased to be able to write to you again. +Some days ago I thought I should never again have this +consolation, but it seems God wishes to prolong somewhat the time +of my exile. This does not trouble me--I would not enter Heaven +one moment sooner through my own will. The only real happiness on +earth is to strive always to think "how goodly is the chalice"[6] +that Jesus give us. Yours is indeed a goodly one, dear Leonie. If +you wish to be a Saint--and it will not be hard--keep only one end +in view: give pleasure to Jesus, and bind yourself more closely to +Him. + +Good-bye, my dear sister, I should wish the thought of my entering +Heaven to fill you with joy, because I shall then be better able +to give you proof of my tender love. In the Heart of our Heavenly +Spouse we shall live His very life, and through eternity I shall +remain, + +Your very little sister, + +TERESA OF THE CHILD JESUS. +_____________________________ + +[1] Nearly all the letters written by Soeur Therese to her sister +Leonie are lost. These few have been recovered. It will be +remembered that Leonie entered the Convent of the Visitation at +Caen. See note, page 113. + +[2] Cf. I Cor. 2:9. + +[3] Heb. 13:14. + +[4] Isa. 49:15. + +[5] Cant. 4:9. + +[6] Ps. 22[23]:5. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO HER COUSIN MARIE GUERIN + + +I + +1888. + +Before you confided in me,[1] I felt you were suffering, and my +heart was one with yours. Since you have the humility to ask +advice of your little Therese, this is what she thinks: you have +grieved me greatly by abstaining from Holy Communion, because you +have grieved Our Lord. The devil must be very cunning to deceive a +soul in this way. Do you not know, dear Marie, that by acting thus +you help him to accomplish his end? The treacherous creature knows +quite well that when a soul is striving to belong wholly to God he +cannot cause her to sin, so he merely tries to persuade her that +she has sinned. This is a considerable gain, but not enough to +satisfy his hatred, so he aims at something more, and tries to +shut out Jesus from a tabernacle which Jesus covets. Unable to +enter this sanctuary himself, he wishes that at least it remain +empty and without its God. Alas, what will become of that poor +little heart? When the devil has succeeded in keeping a soul from +Holy Communion he has gained all his ends . . . while Jesus +weeps! . . . + +Remember, little Marie, that this sweet Jesus is there in the +Tabernacle expressly for you and you alone. Remember that He burns +with the desire to enter your heart. Do not listen to satan. Laugh +him to scorn, and go without fear to receive Jesus, the God of +peace and of love. + +"Therese thinks all this"--you say--"because she does not know my +difficulties." She does know, and knows them well; she understands +everything, and she tells you confidently that you can go without +fear to receive your only true Friend. She, too, has passed +through the martyrdom of scruples, but Jesus gave her the grace to +receive the Blessed Sacrament always, even when she imagined she +had committed great sins. I assure you I have found that this is +the only means of ridding oneself of the devil. When he sees that +he is losing his time he leaves us in peace. + +In truth it is impossible that a heart which can only find rest in +contemplation of the Tabernacle--and yours is such, you tell +me--could so far offend Our Lord as not to be able to receive Him +. . . What does offend Jesus, what wounds Him to the Heart, is +want of confidence. + +Pray much that the best portion of your life may not be +overshadowed by idle fears. We have only life's brief moments to +spend for the Glory of God, and well does satan know it. This is +why he employs every ruse to make us consume them in useless +labour. Dear sister, go often to Holy Communion, go very +often--that is your one remedy. + + +II + +1894 + +You are like some little village maiden who, when sought in +marriage by a mighty king would not dare to accept him, on the +plea that she is not rich enough, and is strange to the ways of a +court. But does not her royal lover know better than she does, the +extent of her poverty and ignorance? + +Marie, though you are nothing, do not forget that Jesus is All. +You have only to lose your own nothingness in that Infinite All, +and thenceforth to think only of that All who alone is worthy of +your love. + +You tell me you wish to see the fruit of your efforts. That is +exactly what Jesus would hide from you. He likes to contemplate by +Himself these little fruits of our virtue. They console Him. + +You are quite wrong, Marie, if you think that Therese walks +eagerly along the way of Sacrifice: her weakness is still very +great, and every day some new and wholesome experience brings this +home more clearly. Yet Jesus delights to teach her how to _glory +in her infirmities._[2] It is a great grace, and I pray Him to +give it to you, for with it come peace and tranquillity of heart. +When we see our misery we do not like to look at ourselves but +only upon our Beloved. + +You ask me for a method of obtaining perfection. I know of +Love--and Love only! Our hearts are made for this alone. Sometimes +I endeavour to find some other word for love; but in a land of +exile "words which have a beginning and an end"[3] are quite +unable to render adequately the emotions of the soul, and so we +must keep to the one simple word--LOVE. + +But on whom shall our poor hearts lavish this love, and who will +be worthy of this treasure? Is there anyone who will understand it +and--above all--is there anyone who will be able to repay? Marie, +Jesus alone understands love: He alone can give back all--yea, +infinitely more than the utmost we can give. +_____________________________ + +[1] The allusion is to the scruples from which Marie suffered. +Having read this letter--which is a strong plea for Frequent +Communion--Pope Pius X declared it "most opportune." Therese was +but fifteen when she wrote it. [Ed.] + +[2] 2 Cor. 11:5. + +[3] St. Augustine. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTER TO HER COUSIN, JEANNE GUERIN (MADAME LA NEELE) + +August, 1895. + +It is a very great sacrifice that God has asked of you, my dear +Jeanne, in calling your little Marie to the Carmel; but remember +that He has promised a hundredfold to anyone who for His Love hath +left father or mother or _sister._[1] Now, for love of Jesus, you +have not hesitated to part with a sister dearer to you than words +can say, and therefore He is bound to keep His promise. I know +that these words are generally applied to those who enter the +religious life, but my heart tells me they were spoken, too, for +those whose generosity is such that they will sacrifice to God +even the loved ones they hold dearer than life itself. +_____________________________ + +[1] Mark 10:30. + +_____________________________ + + +LETTERS TO HER BROTHER MISSIONARIES + + +I + +1895. + +Our Divine Lord asks no sacrifice beyond our strength. At times, +it is true, He makes us taste to the full the bitterness of the +chalice He puts to our lips. And when He demands the sacrifice of +all that is dearest on earth, it is impossible without a very +special grace not to cry out as He did during His Agony in the +Garden: "My Father, let this chalice pass from me!" But we must +hasten to add: "Yet not as I will, but as Thou wilt."[1] It is so +consoling to think that Jesus, "the Strong God,"[2] has felt all +our weaknesses and shuddered at the sight of the bitter +chalice--that very chalice He had so ardently desired. + +Your lot is indeed a beautiful one, since Our Lord has chosen it +for you, and has first touched with His own Lips the cup which He +holds out to yours. A Saint has said: "The greatest honour God can +bestow upon a soul is not to give to it great things, but to ask +of it great things." Jesus treats you as a privileged child. It is +His wish you should begin your mission even now,[3] and save souls +through the Cross. Was it not by suffering and death that He +ransomed the world? I know that you aspire to the happiness of +laying down your life for Him; but the martyrdom of the heart is +not less fruitful than the shedding of blood, and this martyrdom +is already yours. Have I not, then, good reason to say that your +lot is a beautiful one--worthy an apostle of Christ? + + +II + +1896. + +Let us work together for the salvation of souls! We have but the +one day of this life to save them, and so give to Our Lord a proof +of our love. To-morrow will be Eternity, then Jesus will reward +you a hundredfold for the sweet joys you have given up for Him. He +knows the extent of your sacrifice. He knows that the sufferings +of those you hold dear increase your own; but He has suffered this +same martyrdom for our salvation. He, too, left His Mother; He +beheld that sinless Virgin standing at the foot of the Cross, her +heart pierced through with a sword of sorrow, and I hope he will +console your own dear mother. . . . I beg Him most earnestly to do +so. + +Ah! If the Divine Master would permit those you are about to leave +for His Love but one glimpse of the glory in store, and the vast +retinue of souls that will escort you to Heaven, already they +would be repaid for the great sacrifice that is at hand. + + +III + +February 24, 1896. + +Please say this little prayer for me each day; it sums up all my +desires: + +"Merciful Father, in the name of Thy sweet Jesus, of the Blessed +Virgin, and all the Saints, I beg Thee to consume my sister with +Thy spirit of love, and to grant her the grace to make Thee +greatly loved." + +If Our Lord takes me soon to Himself, I ask you still to continue +this prayer, because my longing will be the same in Heaven as upon +earth: _to love Jesus and to make Him loved._ + + +IV + +. . . . . . . + +All I desire is God's Holy Will, and if in Heaven I could no +longer work for His glory, I should prefer exile to Home. + + +V + +June 21, 1897 + +You may well sing of the Mercies of God! They shine forth in you +with splendour. You love St. Augustine and St. Mary Magdalen, +those souls to whom many sins were forgiven because they loved +much. I love them too; I love their sorrow, and especially their +audacious love. When I see Mary Magdalen come forth before all +Simon's guests to wash with her tears her Master's Feet--those +Feet that for the first time she touches--I feel her heart has +fathomed that abyss of love and mercy, the Heart of Jesus; and I +feel, too, that not only was He willing to forgive, but even +liberally to dispense the favours of a Divine and intimate +friendship, and to raise her to the loftiest heights of prayer. + +My Brother, since I also have been given to understand the Love of +the Heart of Jesus, I confess that all fear has been driven from +mine. The remembrance of my faults humbles me; and it helps me +never to rely upon my own strength--which is but weakness--but +more than all, it speaks to me of mercy and of love. When a soul +with childlike trust casts her faults into Love's all-devouring +furnace, how shall they escape being utterly consumed? + +I know that many Saints have passed their lives in the practice of +amazing penance for the sake of expiating their sins. But what of +that? "In my Father's house there are many mansions."[4] These are +the words of Jesus, and therefore I follow the path He marks out +for me; I try to be nowise concerned about myself and what Jesus +deigns to accomplish in my soul. + + +VI + +1897. + +On this earth where everything changes, one thing alone does never +change--our Heavenly King's treatment of His friends. From the day +He raised the standard of the Cross, in its shadow all must fight +and win. "The life of every missionary abounds in crosses," said +Theophane Venard. And again: "True happiness consists in +suffering, and in order to live we must die." + +Rejoice, my Brother, that the first efforts of your Apostolate are +stamped with the seal of the Cross. Far more by suffering and by +persecution than by eloquent discourses does Jesus wish to build +up His Kingdom. + +You are still--you tell me--a little child who cannot speak. +Neither could Father Mazel, who was ordained with you, and yet he +has already won the palm . . . Far beyond our thoughts are the +thoughts of God! When I learnt that this young missionary had died +before he had set foot on the field of his labours, I felt myself +drawn to invoke him. I seemed to see him amidst the glorious +Martyr choir. No doubt, in the eyes of men he does not merit the +title of Martyr, but in the eyes of God this inglorious death is +no less precious than the sacrifice of him who lays down his life +for the Faith. + +Though one must be exceeding pure before appearing in the sight of +the All-Holy God, still I know that He is infinitely just, and +this very Justice which terrifies so many souls is the source of +all my confidence and joy. Justice is not only stern severity +towards the guilty; it takes account of the good intention, and +gives to virtue its reward. Indeed I hope as much from the Justice +of God as from His Mercy. It is because He is just, that "He is +compassionate and merciful, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy. +For He knoweth our frame, He remembereth that we are dust. As a +father hath compassion on his children, so hath the Lord +compassion on us."[5] + +O my Brother, after these beautiful and consoling words of the +Royal Prophet, how can we doubt God's power to open the gates of +His Kingdom to His children who have loved Him unto perfect +sacrifice, who have not only left home and country so as to make +Him known and loved, but even long to lay down their lives for +Him? . . . Jesus said truly there is no greater love than this. +Nor will He be outdone in generosity. How could He cleanse in the +flames of Purgatory souls consumed with the fire of Divine Love? + +I have used many words to express my thought, and yet I fear I +have failed. What I wish to convey is, that in my opinion all +missionaries are Martyrs by will and desire, and not even one +should pass through the purifying flames. + +This, then, is what I think about the Justice of God; my own way +is all confidence and love, and I cannot understand those souls +who are afraid of so affectionate a Friend. Sometimes, when I read +books in which perfection is put before us with the goal +obstructed by a thousand obstacles, my poor little head is quickly +fatigued. I close the learned treatise, which tires my brain and +dries up my heart, and I turn to the Sacred Scriptures. Then all +becomes clear and lightsome--a single word opens out infinite +vistas, perfection appears easy, and I see that it is enough to +acknowledge our nothingness, and like children surrender ourselves +into the Arms of the Good God. Leaving to great and lofty minds +the beautiful books which I cannot understand, still less put in +practice, I rejoice in my littleness because "only little children +and those who are like them shall be admitted to the Heavenly +banquet."[6] Fortunately--"there are many mansions in my Father's +House":[7] if there were only those--to me--incomprehensible +mansions with their baffling roads, I should certainly never enter +there . . . + + +VII + +July 13, 1897. + +Your soul is too great to cling to the consolations of earth, and +even now its abode should be in Heaven, for it is written: "Where +your treasure is, there will your heart be also."[8] Is not Jesus +your only treasure? Now that He is in Heaven, it is there your +heart should dwell. This sweet Saviour has long since forgotten +your infidelities. He sees only your longing after perfection, and +the sight makes glad His Heart. + +Stay no longer at His Feet, I beseech you, but follow this first +impulse to throw yourself into His Arms. Your place is there, and +I see clearly--more clearly than in your former letters--that all +other heavenly route is barred to you save the way your little +sister treads. + +I hold with you when you say that the Heart of Jesus is more +grieved by the thousand little imperfections of His friends than +by the faults, even grave, which His enemies commit. Yet it seems +to me, dear Brother, it is only when those who are His own are +habitually guilty of want of thought, and neglect to seek His +pardon, that He can say: "These Wounds which you see in the midst +of My Hands, I have received in the house of those who love +Me."[9] But His Heart thrills with you when He had to deal with +all those who truly love, and who after each little fault come to +fling themselves into His Arms imploring forgiveness. He says to +His Angels what the prodigal's father said to his servants: "Put a +ring upon his finger, and let us rejoice."[10] O Brother! Verily +the Divine Heart's Goodness and Merciful Love are little known! It +is true that to enjoy these treasures we must humble ourselves, +must confess our nothingness . . . and here is where many a soul +draws back. + + +VIII + +1897. + +What attracts me towards our Heavenly Home is the Master's +call--the hope of loving Him at last to the fulfilling of all my +desire--the thought that I shall be able to win Him the love of a +multitude of souls, who will bless Him through all eternity. + +I have never asked God that I might die young--that to me were a +cowardly prayer; but from my childhood He has deigned to inspire +me with a strong conviction that my life would be a short one. + +I feel we must tread the same road to Heaven--the road of +suffering and love. When I myself have reached the port, I will +teach you how best to sail the world's tempestuous sea--with the +self-abandonment of a child well aware of a father's love, and of +his vigilance in the hour of danger. + +I long so much to make you understand the expectant love of the +Heart of Jesus. Your last letter has made my own heart thrill +sweetly. I learnt how closely your soul is sister to mine, since +God calls that soul to mount to Himself by the _lift of love,_ +without climbing the steep stairway of fear. I am not surprised +you find it hard to be familiar with Jesus--one cannot become so +in a day; but this I do know, I shall aid you much more to tread +this beautiful path when I lay aside the burden of this perishable +body. Ere long you will exclaim with St. Augustine: "Love is my +lodestone!" + + +IX + +July 26, 1897. + +When you read these few lines I shall perhaps be no more. I know +not the future; yet I can confidently say that my Spouse is at the +door. It would need a miracle to keep me in exile, and I do not +think that Jesus will work that miracle--He does nothing that is +of no avail. + +Brother, I am so happy to die! Yes, happy . . . not because I +shall be free from suffering: on the contrary, suffering combined +with love seems the one thing worthy of desire in this vale of +tears; but happy to die because far more than on earth I shall +help the souls I hold dear. + +Jesus has always treated me as a spoilt child. . . . It is true +that His Cross has been with me from the cradle, but for that +Cross He has given me a passionate love . . . + + +X + +August 14, 1897. + +I am about to go before God, and I understand now more than ever +that one thing only is needful--to work for Him alone, and do +nothing for self or creatures. Jesus wishes to own your heart +completely. Before this can be, you will have much to suffer . . . +but oh! what joy when comes the happy hour of going Home! I shall +not die--I do but enter into Life . . . and whatsoever I cannot +tell you here upon earth I will make you understand from the +heights of Heaven. . . . +_____________________________ + +[1] Matt. 26:39. + +[2] Isa. 9:6. + +[3] This letter and the following are addressed to a Seminarist. +[Ed.] + +[4] John 14:2. + +[5] Ps. 102[103]:8, 14, 13. + +[6] Cf. Matt. 19:14. + +[7] John 14:2. + +[8] Luke 12:34. + +[9] Cf. Zach. 13:6. + +[10] Cf. Luke 15:22. + +_____________________________ + + +PRAYERS OF SOEUR THERESE, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + +_____________________________ + + +AN ACT OF OBLATION AS A VICTIM OF DIVINE LOVE + +_This Prayer was found after the death of Sister Teresa of the +Child Jesus and of the Holy Face in the copy of the Gospels which +she carried night and day close to her heart._ + +O my God, O Most Blessed Trinity, I desire to love Thee and to +make Thee loved--to labour for the glory of Holy Church by saving +souls here upon earth and by delivering those suffering in +Purgatory. I desire to fulfill perfectly Thy Holy Will, and to +reach the degree of glory Thou hast prepared for me in Thy +Kingdom. In a word, I wish to be holy, but, knowing how helpless I +am, I beseech Thee, my God, to be Thyself my holiness. + +Since Thou hast loved me so much as to give me Thy Only-Begotten +Son to be my Saviour and my Spouse, the infinite treasures of His +merits are mine. Gladly do I offer them to Thee, and I beg of Thee +to behold me only through the Eyes of Jesus, and in His Heart +aflame with love. Moreover, I offer Thee all the merits of the +Saints both of Heaven and of earth, together with their acts of +love, and those of the holy Angels. Lastly, I offer Thee, O +Blessed Trinity, the love and the merits of the Blessed Virgin, my +dearest Mother--to her I commit this Oblation, praying her to +present it to Thee. + +During the days of His life on earth her Divine Son, my sweet +Spouse, spake these words: "If you ask the Father anything in My +Name, He will give it you."[1] Therefore I am certain Thou wilt +fulfill my longing. O my God, I know that the more Thou wishest to +bestow, the more Thou dost make us desire. In my heart I feel +boundless desires, and I confidently beseech Thee to take +possession of my soul. I cannot receive Thee in Holy Communion as +often as I should wish; but, O Lord, art Thou not all-powerful? +Abide in me as Thou dost in the Tabernacle--never abandon Thy +Little Victim. I long to console Thee for ungrateful sinners, and +I implore Thee to take from me all liberty to sin. If through +weakness I should chance to fall, may a glance from Thine Eyes +straightway cleanse my soul, and consume all my imperfections--as +fire transforms all things into itself. + +I thank Thee, O my God, for all the graces Thou hast granted me: +especially for having purified me in the crucible of suffering. At +the Day of Judgment I shall gaze on Thee with joy, as Thou bearest +Thy sceptre of the Cross. And since Thou hast deigned to give me +this precious Cross as my portion, I hope to be like unto Thee in +Paradise and to behold the Sacred Wounds of Thy Passion shine on +my glorified body. + +After earth's exile I trust to possess Thee in the Home of our +Father; but I do not seek to lay up treasures in Heaven. I wish to +labour for Thy Love alone--with the sole aim of pleasing Thee, of +consoling Thy Sacred Heart, and of saving souls who will love Thee +through eternity. + +When comes the evening of life, I shall stand before Thee with +empty hands, because I do not ask Thee, my God, to take account of +my works. All our works of justice are blemished in Thine Eyes. I +wish therefore to be robed with Thine own Justice, and to receive +from Thy Love the everlasting gift of Thyself. I desire no other +Throne, no other Crown but Thee, O my Beloved! + +In Thy sight time is naught--"one day is a thousand years."[2] +Thou canst in a single instant prepare me to appear before Thee. + +* * * * * * * + +In order that my life may be one Act of perfect Love, I offer +myself as a Victim of Holocaust to Thy Merciful Love, imploring +Thee to consume me unceasingly, and to allow the floods of +infinite tenderness gathered up in Thee to overflow into my soul, +that so I may become a very martyr of Thy Love, O my God! May this +martyrdom, after having prepared me to appear in Thy Presence, +free me from this life at the last, and may my soul take its +flight--without delay--into the eternal embrace of Thy Merciful +Love! + +* * * * * * * + +O my Beloved, I desire at every beat of my heart to renew this +Oblation an infinite number of times, "till the shadows +retire,"[3] and everlastingly I can tell Thee my love face to face. + +MARY FRANCES TERESA OF THE CHILD JESUS AND OF THE HOLY FACE. + +The ninth of June, Feast of the Most Blessed Trinity, In the year +of grace, 1895. + + +A MORNING PRAYER + +O my God! I offer Thee all my actions of this day for the +intentions and for the glory of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I +desire to sanctify every beat of my heart, my every thought, my +simplest works, by uniting them to Its infinite merits; and I wish +to make reparation for my sins by casting them into the furnace of +Its Merciful Love. + +O my God! I ask of Thee for myself and for those whom I hold dear, +the grace to fulfil perfectly Thy Holy Will, to accept for love of +Thee the joys and sorrows of this passing life, so that we may one +day be united together in Heaven for all Eternity. Amen. + + +AN ACT OF CONSECRATION TO THE HOLY FACE + +Written for the Novices + +O Adorable Face of Jesus, since Thou hast deigned to make special +choice of our souls, in order to give Thyself to them, we come to +consecrate these souls to Thee. We seem, O Jesus, to hear Thee +say: "Open to Me, My Sisters, My Spouses, for My Face is wet with +the dew, and My Locks with the drops of the night."[4] Our souls +understand Thy language of love; we desire to wipe Thy sweet Face, +and to console Thee for the contempt of the wicked. In their eyes +Thou art still "as it were hidden . . . they esteem Thee an object +of reproach."[5] + +O Blessed Face, more lovely than the lilies and the roses of the +spring, Thou art not hidden from us. The tears which dim Thine +Eyes are as precious pearls which we delight to gather, and, +through their infinite value, to purchase the souls of our +brethren. + +From Thy Adorable Lips we have heard Thy loving plaint: "I +thirst." Since we know that this thirst which consumes Thee is a +thirst for love, to quench it we would wish to possess an infinite +love. + +Dear Spouse of our souls, if we could love with the love of all +hearts, that love would be Thine. . . . Give us, O Lord, this +love! Then come to thy Spouses and satisfy Thy Thirst. + +And give to us souls, dear Lord . . . We thirst for souls!--Above +all for the souls of Apostles and Martyrs . . . that through them +we may inflame all poor sinners with love of Thee. + +O Adorable Face, we shall succeed in winning this grace from Thee! +Unmindful of our exile, "by the rivers of Babylon," we will sing +in Thine Ears the sweetest of melodies. Since Thou art the true +and only Home of our souls, _our songs shall not be sung in a +strange land._[6] O Beloved Face of Jesus, while we await the +Eternal Day when we shall gaze upon Thine Infinite Glory, our only +desire is to delight Thy Divine Eyes by keeping our faces hidden +too, so that no one on earth may recognize us . . . Dear Jesus, +Heaven for us is Thy Hidden Face! + + +VARIOUS PRAYERS + +_"If you ask the Father anything in My Name, He will give it +you."_-- John 16:23. + +O Eternal Father, Thy Only-Begotten Son, the dear Child Jesus, +belongs to me since Thou hast given Him. I offer Thee the infinite +merits of His Divine Childhood, and I beseech Thee in His Name to +open the gates of Heaven to a countless host of little ones who +will for ever follow this Divine Lamb. + +_"Just as the King's image is a talisman through which anything +may be purchased in his Kingdom, so through My Adorable Face--that +priceless coin of my Humanity--you will obtain all you desire."_ + Our Lord to Sister Mary of St. Peter.[7] + +Eternal Father, since Thou hast given me for my inheritance the +Adorable Face of Thy Divine Son, I offer that Face to Thee, and I +beg Thee, in exchange for this _coin_ of infinite value, to forget +the ingratitude of those souls who are consecrated to Thee, and to +pardon all poor sinners. + + +PRAYER TO THE HOLY CHILD + +O Jesus, dear Holy Child, my only treasure, I abandon myself to +Thy every whim. I seek no other joy than that of calling forth Thy +sweet Smile. Vouchsafe to me the graces and the virtues of Thy +Holy Childhood, so that on the day of my birth into Heaven the +Angels and Saints may recognise in Thy Spouse: _Teresa of the +Child Jesus._ + + +PRAYER TO THE HOLY FACE + +O Adorable Face of Jesus, sole beauty which ravisheth my heart, +vouchsafe to impress on my soul Thy Divine Likeness, so that it +may not be possible for Thee to look at Thy Spouse without +beholding Thyself. O my Beloved, for love of Thee I am content not +to see here on earth the sweetness of Thy Glance, nor to feel the +ineffable Kiss of Thy Sacred Lips, but I beg of Thee to inflame me +with Thy Love, so that it may consume me quickly, and that soon +_Teresa of the Holy Face_ may behold Thy glorious Countenance in +Heaven. + + +PRAYER + +_Inspired by the sight of a statue of The Blessed Joan of Arc_ + +O Lord God of Hosts, who hast said in Thy Gospel: "I am not come +to bring peace but a sword,"[8] arm me for the combat. I burn to +do battle for Thy Glory, but I pray Thee to enliven my +courage. . . . Then with holy David I shall be able to exclaim: +"Thou alone art my shield; it is Thou, O Lord Who teachest my +hands to fight."[9] + +O my Beloved, I know the warfare in which I am to engage; it is +not on the open field I shall fight. . . . I am a prisoner held +captive by Thy Love; of my own free will I have riveted the +fetters which bind me to Thee, and cut me off for ever from the +world. My sword is Love! with it--like Joan of Arc--"I will drive +the strangers from the land, and I will have Thee proclaimed +King"--over the Kingdom of souls. + +Of a truth Thou hast no need of so weak an instrument as I, but +Joan, thy chaste and valiant Spouse, has said: "We must do battle +before God gives the victory." O my Jesus! I will do battle, then, +for Thy love, until the evening of my life. As Thou didst not will +to enjoy rest upon earth, I wish to follow Thy example; and then +this promise which came from thy Sacred Lips will be fulfilled in +me: "If any man minister to me, let him follow Me, and where I am +there also shall My servant be, and . . . him will My Father +honour."[10] To be with Thee, to be in Thee, that is my one +desire; this promise of fulfilment, which Thou dost give, helps me +to bear with my exile as I wait the joyous Eternal Day when I +shall see Thee face to face. + + +PRAYER TO OBTAIN HUMILITY + +_Written for a Novice_ + +O JESUS! When Thou wast a wayfarer upon earth, Thou didst +say:--"Learn of Me, for I am Meek and Humble of Heart, and you +shall find rest to your souls."[11] O Almighty King of Heaven! my +soul indeed finds rest in seeing Thee condescend to wash the feet +of Thy Apostles--"having taken the form of a slave."[12] I recall +the words Thou didst utter to teach me the practice of humility: +"I have given you an example, that as I have done to you, so you +do also. The servant is not greater than his Lord . . . If you +know these things, you shall be blessed if you do them."[13] I +understand, dear Lord, these words which come from Thy Meek and +Humble Heart, and I wish to put them in practice with the help of +Thy grace. + +I desire to humble myself in all sincerity, and to submit my will +to that of my Sisters, without ever contradicting them, and +without questioning whether they have the right to command. No +one, O my Beloved! had that right over Thee, and yet Thou didst +obey not only the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph, but even Thy +executioners. And now, in the Holy Eucharist, I see Thee complete +Thy self-abasement. O Divine King of Glory, with wondrous +humility, Thou dost submit Thyself to all Thy Priests, without any +distinction between those who love Thee and those who, alas! are +lukewarm or cold in Thy service. They may advance or delay the +hour of the Holy Sacrifice: Thou art always ready to come down +from Heaven at their call. + +O my Beloved, under the white Eucharistic Veil Thou dost indeed +appear to me Meek and Humble of Heart! To teach me humility, Thou +canst not further abase Thyself, and so I wish to respond to Thy +Love, by putting myself in the lowest place, by sharing Thy +humiliations, so that I may "have part with Thee"[14] in the +Kingdom of Heaven. + +I implore Thee, dear Jesus, to send me a humiliation whensoever I +try to set myself above others. + +And yet, dear Lord, Thou knowest my weakness. Each morning I +resolve to be humble, and in the evening I recognise that I have +often been guilty of pride. The sight of these faults tempts me to +discouragement; yet I know that discouragement is itself but a +form of pride. I wish, therefore, O my God, to build all my trust +upon Thee. As Thou canst do all things, deign to implant in my +soul this virtue which I desire, and to obtain it from Thy +Infinite Mercy, I will often say to Thee: "Jesus, Meek and Humble +of Heart, make my heart like unto Thine." +_____________________________ + +[1] John 16:23. + +[2] Ps. 39[40]:4. + +[3] Cant. 4:6. + +[4] Cf. Cant. 5:2. + +[5] Cf. Isa. 53:3. + +[6] Cf. Ps. 136[137]:4. + +[7] Sister Mary of St. Peter entered the Carmel of Tours in 1840. +Three years later she had the first of a series of revelations +concerning devotion to the Holy Face as a means of reparation for +blasphemy. See _Life of Leon Papin-Dupont,_ known as "The Holy Man +of Tours." + +[8] Matt. 10:34. + +[9] Cf. Ps. 143[144]:1, 2. + +[10] John 12:26. + +[11] Matt. 11:29. + +[12] Phil. 2:7. + +[13] John 13:15-17. + +[14] Cf. John 13:8. + +_____________________________ + + +MOTTO OF THE LITTLE FLOWER + +From St. John of the Cross + +"LOVE IS REPAID BY LOVE ALONE" + +_____________________________ + + +"MY DAYS OF GRACE" + +Birthday . . . . January 2, 1873 +Baptism . . . . January 4, 1873 +The Smile of Our Lady . May 10, 1883 +First Communion . . May 8, 1884 +Confirmation . . . June 14, 1884 +Conversion. . . . December 25, 1886 +Audience with Leo XIII. November 20, 1887 +Entry into the Carmel . April 9, 1888 +Clothing . . . . January 10, 1889 +Profession. . . . September 8, 1890 +Taking of the Veil. . September 24, 1890 +Act of Oblation . . June 9, 1895 + +[ENTRY INTO HEAVEN--September 30, 1897] + +_____________________________ + + +SELECTED POEMS OF SOEUR THERESE, THE LITTLE FLOWER OF JESUS + + +MY SONG OF TO-DAY + +Oh! how I love Thee, Jesus! my soul aspires to Thee-- + And yet for one day only my simple prayer I pray! +Come reign within my heart, smile tenderly on me, + To-day, dear Lord, to-day! + +But if I dare take thought of what the morrow brings, + It fills my fickle heart with dreary, dull dismay; +I crave, indeed, my God, the Cross and sufferings, + But only for to-day! + +O sweetest Star of Heaven! O Virgin, spotless, blest, + Shining with Jesus' light, guiding to Him my way! +Mother! beneath thy veil let my tired spirit rest, + For this brief passing day! + +Soon shall I fly afar among the holy choirs, + Then shall be mine the joy that knoweth no decay; +And then my lips shall sing, to Heaven's angelic lyres, + The eternal, glad To-day! + +June, 1894. + + +MEMORIES + +Selected Stanzas + +"I find in my Beloved the mountains, the lonely and wooded +vales, the distant isles, the murmur of the waters, the soft +whisper of the zephyrs . . . the quiet night with its sister +the dawn, the perfect solitude--all that delights and all +that fires our love."--St. John of the Cross. + +I hold full sweet your memory, +My childhood days, so glad, so free. +To keep my innocence, dear Lord, for Thee, +Thy Love came to me night and day, + Alway. +. . . . . . . + +I loved the swallows' graceful flight, +The turtle doves' low chant at night, +The pleasant sound of insects gay and bright, +The grassy vale where doth belong + Their song. +. . . . . . . + +I loved the glow-worm on the sod; +The countless stars, so near to God, +But most I loved, in all the sky abroad, +The shining moon of silver bright, + At night. +. . . . . . . + +The grass is withered in its bed; +The flowers within my hands are dead. +Would that my weary feet, Jesu! might tread +Thy Heavenly Fields, and I might be + With Thee! +. . . . . . . + +My rainbow in the rain-washed skies-- +Horizon where my suns arise-- +My isle in far-off seas--pearl I most prize-- +Sweet spring and butterflies--I see + In Thee! +. . . . . . . + +In Thee I have the springs, the rills, +The mignonette, the daffodils, +The Eglantine, the harebell on the hills, +The trembling poplar, sighing low + And slow. +. . . . . . . + +The lovely lake, the valley fair +And lonely in the lambent air, +The ocean touched with silver everywhere-- +In Thee their treasures, all combined, + I find. +. . . . . . . + +I go to chant, with Angel-throngs, +The homage that to Thee belongs. +Soon let me fly away, to join their songs! +Oh, let me die of love, I pray, + One day! +. . . . . . . + +I hear, e'en I, Thy last and least, +The music from Thy Heavenly Feast; +There, deign receive me as Thy loving guest +And, to my harp, let me but sing, + My King! +. . . . . . . + +Unto the Saints I shall be near, +To Mary, and those once treasured here. +Life is all past, and dried is every tear; +To me my home again is given-- + In Heaven. + +April 28, 1895. + + +I THIRST FOR LOVE + +In wondrous Love, Thou didst come down from Heaven + To immolate Thyself, O Christ, for me; +So, in my turn, my love to Thee is given-- + I wish to suffer and to die for Thee. + +Thou, Lord, didst speak this truth benign: + "To die for one loved tenderly, +Of greatest love on earth is sign"; + And now, such love is mine-- + Such love for Thee! + +Do Thou abide with me, O Pilgrim blest! + Behind the hill fast sinks the dying day. +Helped by Thy Cross, I mount the rocky crest; + Oh, come, to guide me on my Heavenward Way. + +To be like Thee is my desire; + Thy Voice finds echo in my soul. +Suffering I crave! Thy words of fire + Lift me above earth's mire, + And sin's control. + +Chanting Thy victories, gloriously sublime, + The Seraphim--all Heaven--cry to me, +That even Thou, to conquer sin and crime, + Upon this earth a sufferer needs must be. + +For me upon life's dreary way + What scorn, what anguish, Thou didst bear! +Let me but hide me day by day, + Be least of all, alway, + Thy lot to share. + +Ah, Christ! Thy great example teaches me + Myself to humble, honours to despise. +A little one--as Thou--I choose to be, + Forgetting self, so I may charm Thine Eyes. + +My peace I find in solitude, + Nor ask I more, dear Lord, than this: +Be Thou my sole beatitude, + And ever--in Thee--renewed + My joy, my bliss! + +Thou, the great God Whom earth and Heaven adore, + Thou dwell'st a prisoner for me night and day; +And every hour I hear Thy Voice implore: + "I thirst--I thirst--I thirst--for love alway!" + +I, too, Thy prisoner am I; + I, too, cry ever unto Thee +Thine own divine and tender cry: + "I thirst!" Oh, let me die + Of love for Thee. + +For love of Thee I thirst! fulfil my hope; + Augment in me Thine own celestial flame! +For love of Thee I thirst! too scant earth's scope: + The glorious Vision of Thy Face I claim! + +My long, slow martyrdom of fire + Still more and more consumeth me. +Thou art my joy, my one desire, + Jesu! may I expire + Of love for Thee. + +April 30, 1896. + + +TO SCATTER FLOWERS + +O Jesus! O my Love! each eve I come to fling + My springtide roses sweet before Thy Cross divine; +By their plucked petals fair, my hands so gladly bring, + I long to dry Thine every tear! + +To scatter flowers!--that means each sacrifice: + My lightest sighs and pains, my heaviest, saddest hours, +My hopes, my joys, my prayers--I will not count the price-- + Behold my flowers! + +With deep untold delight Thy beauty fills my soul, + Would I might light this love in hearts of all who live! +For this, my fairest flowers, all things in my control, + How fondly, gladly would I give! + +To scatter flowers!--behold my chosen sword + For saving sinners' souls and filling Heaven's bowers: +The victory is mine--yea, I disarm Thee, Lord, + With these my flowers! + +The petals in their flight caress Thy Holy Face; + They tell Thee that my heart is Thine, and Thine alone. +Thou knowest what these leaves are saying in my place: + On me Thou smilest from Thy Throne. + +To scatter flowers!--that means, to speak of Thee-- + My only pleasure here, where tears fill all the hours; +But soon, with Angel Hosts, my spirit shall be free + To scatter flowers. + +June 28, 1896. + + +WHY I LOVE THEE, MARY! + +Last Poem written by Soeur Therese + +Concluding Stanzas + +Henceforth thy shelter in thy woe was John's most humble dwelling; + The son of Zebedee replaced the Son Whom Heaven adored. +Naught else the Gospels tell us of thy life, in grace excelling; + It is the last they say of thee, sweet Mother of my Lord! + +But oh! I think that silence means that, high in Heaven's Glory, + When time is past, and to their House thy children safe are +come, +The Eternal Word, my Mother dear, Himself will tell thy story, + To charm our souls--thy children's souls--in our Eternal Home. + +Soon I shall hear that harmony, that blissful, wondrous singing; + Soon, unto Heaven that waits for us, my soul shall swiftly fly. +O thou who cam'st to smile on me at dawn of life's beginning! + Come once again to smile on me . . . Mother! the night is nigh. + +I fear no more thy majesty, so far removed above me, + For I have suffered sore with thee: now hear me, Mother mild! +Oh, let me tell thee face to face, dear Mary! how I love thee; + And say to thee for evermore: I am Thy little child. + +May 1897. + +NOTE.--The above poems are reprinted from the translation of the +Little Flower's poems made by Susan L. Emery, of Dorchester, +Mass., +U.S.A., and published by the Carmel of Boston. 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