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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16634-h.zip b/16634-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..06ea1ae --- /dev/null +++ b/16634-h.zip diff --git a/16634-h/16634-h.htm b/16634-h/16634-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff2110a --- /dev/null +++ b/16634-h/16634-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4635 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Biltmore Oswald, by J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} /* page numbers */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em;} + .poem span.i1 {display: block; margin-left: 1em;} + .poem span.i3 {display: block; margin-left: 3em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Biltmore Oswald, by J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Biltmore Oswald + The Diary of a Hapless Recruit + +Author: J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + +Release Date: September 3, 2005 [EBook #16634] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILTMORE OSWALD *** + + + + +Produced by Geetu Melwani and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. Produced from +page images provided by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<h1>BILTMORE OSWALD</h1> + +<h2>THE DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT</h2> + +<h3>BY</h3> + +<h2>J. THORNE SMITH, Jr.</h2> +<h5>U.S.N.R.F.</h5> + + +<p class="center"><i>WITH 31 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE</i></p> + +<p class="center">BY</p> + +<p class="center">RICHARD DORGAN +("<i>Dick Dorgan</i>") +U.S.N.R.F.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/cover_700.jpg" alt=" " title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="center">NEW YORK</p> + +<p class="center">FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY</p> + +<p class="center">PUBLISHERS</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Copyright, 1918, by</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Frederick A. Stokes Company</span> +<i>All Rights Reserved</i></p> + + +<p class="center"><i>Reprinted from</i> +<span class="smcap">The Broadside</span> +<span class="smcap">A Journal for</span> +<span class="smcap">The Naval Reserve Force</span> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + + +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align='left'><img src="images/front_t.jpg" alt="" title="" /></td> +<td align='left'><h3>DEDICATION</h3><br />To my buddies, an unscrupulous, clamorous crew of pirates, as loyal +and generous a lot as ever returned a borrowed dress jumper with dirty +tapes; to numerous jimmy-legs and P.O.'s whose cantankerous tempers +have furnished me with much material for this book; and also to a dog, +an admirable dog whom I choose to call Mr. Fogerty, with apologies to +this dog if in these pages his slave has unwittingly maligned his +character or in any way cast suspicion upon his moral integrity.</td> +<td align='left'><a name="figa" id="figa"></a><img src="images/figa.jpg" width="166" height="328" alt="" title="" /></td></tr> +</table><p><br /><br /></p> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + +<div><div class="blockquot"> +<h3>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h3><br /> +<a href="#figa">"Biltmore Oswald" <i>Frontispiece</i></a><br /> + +<a href="#fig1_t">"'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' I +replied, 'it will all be foreign to me'"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig2_t">"The departure was moist"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig3_t">"Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham 'hop'"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig4_t">"I feel like a masquerade"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig5_t">"This, I thought, was adding insult to injury"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig6_t">"Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig7_t">"A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past luncheons"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig8_t">"He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the same"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig9_t">"Fire drill"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig10_t">"This is designed to give us physical poise"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig11_t">"Liberty Party"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig12_t">"Of course I played the game no more"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig13_t">"She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A."</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig14_t">"I wasn't so very wrong—just the slight difference between port +and present arms" </a><br /> + +<a href="#fig15_t">"The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig16_t">"I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig17_t">"One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my +body"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig18_t">"The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig19_t">"This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig20_t">"I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig21_t">"I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep +clean"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig22_t">"I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and +several of the better sort of goats"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig23_t">"I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig24_t">"I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig25_t">"Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig26_t">"For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig27_t">"I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the +southern section of the State of Montana"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig28_t">"'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig29_t">"'I would still remain in a dense fog,' I gasped in a low voice"</a><br /> + +<a href="#fig30_t">"'Buddy' I came in and 'Buddy' I go out"</a><br /> + +<a href="#backcover">Biltmore Oswald and Fogarty— <i>Back Cover</i></a><br /> +<br /></div> + + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + +<h2>BILTMORE OSWALD</h2> + +<h3><i>The Diary of A Hapless Recruit</i></h3> + + +<p><i><b>Feb. 23d.</b></i> "And what," asked the enlisting officer, regarding me as +if I had insulted him, his family and his live stock, "leads you to +believe that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?"</p> + +<p>At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patriotic +preoccupation I had forgotten to leave home.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numerous +useless accomplishments, "nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing to +speak of. Of course I've passed a couple of seasons at Bar +Harbor—perhaps that—"</p> + +<p>"Bar Harbor!" exploded the officer. "Bar! bah! bah—dammit," he broke +off, "I'm bleating."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," said I with becoming humility. His hostility increased.</p> + +<p>"Do you enlist for foreign service?" he snapped.</p> + +<p>"Sure," I replied. "It will all be foreign to me."</p> + +<p>The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until a +thirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer's +desk. Upon the multitude he glared bitterly.</p> + +<p>"Orderly! why can't you keep this line in some sort of shape?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, give the old tosh some air," breathed a worthy in my ear as he +retreated to his proper place.</p> + +<p>"What did you do at Bar Harbor?" asked the officer, fixing me with his +gaze.</p> + +<p>"Oh," I replied easily, "I occasionally yachted."</p> + +<p>"On what kind of a boat?" he urged.</p> + +<p>"Now for the life of me, sir, I can't quite recall," I replied. "It +was a splendid boat though, a perfect beauty, handsomely fitted up and +all—I think they called her the 'Black Wing.'"</p> + +<p>These few little remarks seemed to leave the officer flat. He regarded +me with a pitiful expression. There was pain in his eyes.</p> + +<p>"You mean to say," he whispered, "that you don't know what kind of a +boat it was?"</p> + +<p>"Unfortunately no, sir," I replied, feeling really sorry for the +wounded man.</p> + +<p>"Do you recall what was the nature of your activities aboard this +mysterious craft?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed I do, sir," I replied. "I tended the jib-sheet."</p> + +<p>"Ah," said he thoughtfully, "sort of specialized on the jib-sheet?"</p> + +<p>"That's it, sir," said I, feeling things taking a turn for the better. +"I specialized on the jib-sheet."</p> + +<p>"What did you do to this jib-sheet?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"I clewed it," said I promptly, dimly recalling the impassioned +instructions an enthusiastic friend of mine had shunted at me +throughout the course of one long, hot, horrible, confused afternoon +of the past summer—my first, and, as I had hoped at the time, final +sailing experience.</p> + +<p>The officer seemed to be lost in reflection. He was probably weighing +my last answer. Then with a heavy sigh he took my paper and wrote +something mysterious upon it.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to make an experiment of you," he said, holding the paper +to me. "You are going to be a sort of a test case. You're the worst +applicant I have ever had. If the Navy can make a sailor out of you it +can make a sailor out of anybody"; he paused for a moment, then added +emphatically, "without exception."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," I replied humbly.</p> + +<p>"Report here Monday for physical examination," he continued, waving my +thanks aside. "And now go away."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 246px;"> +<a name="fig1_t" id="fig1_t"></a><a href="images/fig1.jpg"><img src="images/fig1_t.jpg" alt=""'Do +you enlist for foreign service?' He snapped. +'Sure,' I replied, 'It will all be foreign to me'"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"'Do you enlist for foreign service?' He snapped. +'Sure,' I replied, 'It will all be foreign to me'"</span> +</div> + +<p>I accordingly went, but as I did so I fancied I caught the reflection +of a smile lurking guiltily under his mustache. It was the sort of a +smile, I imagined at the time, that might flicker across the grim +visage of a lion in the act of anticipating an approaching trip to a +prosperous native village.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Feb. 25th.</b></i> I never fully appreciated what a truly democratic nation +the United States was until I beheld it naked, that is, until I beheld +a number of her sons in that condition. Nakedness is the most +democratic of all institutions. Knock-knees, warts and chilblains, +bowlegs, boils and bay-windows are respecters of no caste or creed, +but visit us all alike. These profound reflections came to me as I +stood with a large gathering of my fellow creatures in the offices of +the physical examiner.</p> + +<p>"Never have I seen a more unpromising candidate in all my past +experience," said the doctor moodily when I presented myself before +him, and thereupon he proceeded to punch me in the ribs with a vigor +that seemed to be more personal than professional. When thoroughly +exhausted from this he gave up and led me to the eye charts, which I +read with infinite ease through long practise in following the World +Series in front of newspaper buildings.</p> + +<p>"Eyes all right," he said in a disappointed voice. "It must be your +feet."</p> + +<p>These proved to be faultless, as were my ears and teeth.</p> + +<p>"You baffle me," said the doctor at last, thoroughly discouraged. +"Apparently you are sound all over, yet, looking at you, I fail to see +how it is possible."</p> + +<p>I wondered vaguely if he was paid by the rejection. Then for no +particular reason he suddenly tired of me and left me with all my +golden youth and glory standing unnoticed in a corner. From here I +observed an applicant being put through his ear test. This game is +played as follows: a hospital apprentice thrusts one finger into the +victim's ear while the doctor hurries down to the end of the room and +whispers tragically words that the applicant must repeat. It's a good +game, but this fellow I was watching evidently didn't know the rules +and he was taking no chances.</p> + +<p>"Now repeat what I say," said the doctor.</p> + +<p>"'Now repeat what I say,'" quoted the recruit.</p> + +<p>"No, no, not now," cried the doctor. "Wait till I whisper."</p> + +<p>"'No, no, not now. Wait till I whisper,'" answered the recruit, +faithfully accurate.</p> + +<p>"Wait till I whisper, you blockhead," shouted the doctor.</p> + +<p>"'Wait till I whisper, you blockhead,'" shouted the recruit with equal +heat.</p> + +<p>"Oh, God!" cried the doctor despairingly.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, God!'" repeated the recruit in a mournful voice.</p> + +<p>This little drama of cross purposes might have continued indefinitely +had not the hospital apprentice begun to punch the guy in the ribs, +shouting as he did so:</p> + +<p>"Wait a minute, can't you?"</p> + +<p>At which the recruit, a great hulk of a fellow, delivered the hospital +apprentice a resounding blow in the stomach and turned indignantly to +the doctor.</p> + +<p>"That man's interfering," he said in an injured voice. "Now that ain't +fair, is it, doc?"</p> + +<p>"You pass," said the doctor briefly, producing his handkerchief and +mopping his brow.</p> + +<p>"Well, what are you standing around for?" he said a moment later, +spying me in my corner.</p> + +<p>"Oh, doctor," I cried, delighted, "I thought you had forgotten me."</p> + +<p>"No," said the doctor, "I'll never forget you. You pass. Take your +papers and clear out."</p> + +<p>I can now feel with a certain degree of security that I am in the +Navy.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Feb. 26th.</b></i> I broke the news to mother to-day and she took it like a +little gentleman, only crying on twelve different occasions. I had +estimated it much higher than that.</p> + +<p>After dinner she read me a list of the things I was to take with me to +camp, among which were several sorts of life preservers, an electric +bed warmer and a pair of dancing pumps.</p> + +<p>"Why not include spurs?" I asked, referring to the pumps. "I'd look +very crisp in spurs, and they would help me in climbing the rigging."</p> + +<p>"But some officer might ask you to a dance," protested mother.</p> + +<p>"Mother," I replied firmly, "I have decided to decline all social +engagements during my first few weeks in camp. You can send the pumps +when I write for them."</p> + +<p>A card came to-day ordering me to report on March 1st. Consequently I +am not quite myself.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Feb. 27th.</b></i> Mother hurried into my room this morning and started to +pack my trunk. She had gotten five sweaters, three helmets and two +dozen pairs of socks into it before I could stop her. When I explained +to her that I wasn't going to take a trunk she almost broke down.</p> + +<p>"But at least," she said, brightening up, "I can go along with you and +see that you are nice and comfortable in your room."</p> + +<p>"You seem to think that I am going to some swell boarding school, +mother," I replied from the bed. "You see, we don't have rooms to +ourselves. I understand that we sleep in bays."</p> + +<p>"Don't jest," cried mother. "It's too horrible!"</p> + +<p>Then I explained to her that a bay was a compartment of a barracks in +which eight human beings and one petty officer, not quite so human, +were supposed to dwell in intimacy and, as far as possible, concord.</p> + +<p>This distressed poor mother dreadfully. "But what are you going to +take?" she cried.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to take a nap," said I, turning over on my pillow. "It will +be the last one in a bed for a long, long time."</p> + +<p>At this mother stuffed a pair of socks in her mouth and left the room +hastily.</p> + +<p>Polly came in to-night and I kissed her on and off throughout the +evening on the strength of my departure. This infuriated father, but +mother thought it was very pretty. However, before going to bed he +gave me a handsome wrist watch, and grandfather, pointing to his game +leg, said:</p> + +<p>"Remember the Mexican War, my boy. I fought and bled honorably in that +war, by gad, sir!"</p> + +<p>I know for a fact that the dear old gentleman has never been further +west than the Mississippi River.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Feb. 28th (on the train).</b></i> I have just gone through my suit-case and +taken out some of mother's last little gifts such as toilet water, a +padded coat hanger, one hot water bottle, some cough syrup, two pairs +of ear-bobs, a paper vest and a blue pokerdotted silk muffler. She put +them in when I wasn't looking. I have hidden them under the seat. May +the Lord forgive me for a faithless son.</p> + +<p>The departure was moist, but I managed to swim through. I am too +excited to read the paper and too rattle-brained to think except in +terrified snatches. I wonder if I look different. People seem to be +regarding me sympathetically. I recognize two faces on this train. One +belongs to Tony, the iceman on our block; the other belongs to one +named Tim, a barkeep, if I recall rightly, in a hotel I have +frequently graced with my presence. I hope their past friendship was +not due to professional reasons. It would be nice to talk over old +times with them in camp, for I have frequently met the one in the +morning after coming home from the other.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 246px;"> +<a name="fig2_t" id="fig2_t"></a><a href="images/fig2.jpg"><img src="images/fig2_t.jpg" +width="246" height="400" alt=""The departure was moist"" +title=""The departure was moist"" /></a> +<span class="caption">"The departure was moist"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 1st.</b></i> Subjected myself to the intimate scrutiny of another +doctor this morning. I used my very best Turkish bath manners. They +failed to impress him. Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of +Pelham "hop." It is taken in the customary manner, through the +arm—very stimulating. A large sailor held me by the hand for fully +fifteen minutes. Very embarrassing! He made pictures of my fingers and +completely demolished my manicure. From there I passed on to another +room. Here a number of men threw clothes at me from all directions. +The man with the shoes was a splendid shot. I am now a sailor—at +least, superficially. My trousers were built for Charlie Chaplin. I +feel like a masquerade.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 248px;"> +<a name="fig3_t" id="fig3_t"></a><a href="images/fig3.jpg"><img src="images/fig3_t.jpg" width +="248" height="400" alt=""Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham +'Hop'"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham +'Hop'"</span> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 254px;"> +<a name="fig4_t" id="fig4_t"></a><a href="images/fig4.jpg"><img src="images/fig4_t.jpg" +width="254" height="400" alt=""I feel like a masquerade"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I feel like a masquerade"</span> +</div> + +<p>A gang of recruits shouted "twenty-one days" at me as I was being led +to Mess Hall No. 1. The poor simps had just come in the day before and +had not even washed their leggings yet. I shall shout at other +recruits to-morrow, though, the same thing that they shouted at me +to-day.</p> + +<p>Our P.O. is a very terrifying character. He is a stern but just man, I +take it.</p> + +<p>He can tie knots and box the compass and say "pipe down" and +everything. Gee, it must be nice to be a real sailor!</p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> +<a name="fig5_t" id="fig5_t"></a><a href="images/fig5.jpg"><img src="images/fig5_t.jpg" +width="250" height="400" alt=""This, I thought, was adding insult to injury"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"This, I thought, was adding insult to injury"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 2d.</b></i> Fell out of my hammock last night and momentarily +interrupted the snoring contest holding sway. I was told to "pipe +down" in Irish, Yiddish, Third Avenue and Bronx. This, I thought, was +adding insult to injury, but could not make any one take the same view +of it. I hope the thing does not become a habit with me. I form habits +so readily. In connection with snoring I have written the following +song which I am going to send home to Polly. I wrote it in the +Y.M.C.A. Hut this afternoon while crouching between the feet of two +embattled checker players. I'm going to call it "The Rhyme of the +Snoring Sailor." It goes like this:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><b>I</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The mother thinks of her sailor son<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As clutched in the arms of war,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But mother should listen, as I have done,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To this same little, innocent sailor son<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sprawl in his hammock and snore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, the sailor man is a rugged man,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The master of wind and wave,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And poets sing till the tea-rooms ring<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of his picturesque, deep sea grave,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And they likewise write of the "Storm at Night"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When the numerous north winds roar,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But more profound is the dismal sound<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of a sea-going sailor's snore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><b>II</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, mothers knit for their sailor sons<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Socks for their nautical toes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But mothers should list to the frightful noise<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Made by their innocent sailor boys<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By the wind they blow through their nose.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, life at sea is wild and free<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And greatly to be admired,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I would sleep both sound and deep<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At night when I'm feeling tired.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">So here we go with a yo! ho! ho!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While the waves and the tempests soar,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An artist can paint a shrew as a saint,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But not camouflage on a snore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><b>III</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, mothers, write to your sons at sea;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Write to them, I implore,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A letter as earnest as it can be,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Containing a delicate, motherly plea,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A plea for them not to snore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Oh, I take much pride in my trousers wide,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The ladies all think them sweet,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And I must admit that I love to sit<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In a chair and relieve my feet.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Avast! Belay! and we're bound away<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With our hearts lashed fast to the fore,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">But when mermaids sleep<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In their bowers deep,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Do you think that the sweet things snore?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Our company commander spoke to us this morning in no uncertain terms. +He seems to be such a serious man. There is a peculiar quality in his +voice, not unlike the tone of a French 75 mm. gun. You can easily hear +everything he says—miles away. We rested this afternoon.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 3d.</b></i> Sunday—a day of rest, for which I gave, in the words of +our indefatigable Chaplain, "three good, rollicking cheers." Some +folks are coming up to see me this afternoon. I hear I must moo +through the fence at them like a cow. (Later.) The folks have just +left. Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear. She +seemed to have it on her brain. There were several young girls +standing right next to her. I really felt I was no longer a bachelor. +Why do mothers lay such tremendous stress on underwear? They seem to +believe that a son's sole duty to his parents consists in publicly +announcing that he is clad in winter flannels.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 244px;"> +<a name="fig6_t" id="fig6_t"></a><a href="images/fig6.jpg"><img src="images/fig6_t.jpg" +width="244" height="400" alt=""Mother kept screaming through the wire about my +underwear"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Mother kept screaming through the wire about my +underwear"</span> +</div> + +<p>Polly drove up for a moment with Joe Henderson. I hope the draft +gets hold of that bird. They were going to have tea at the Biltmore +when they got back to the city. I almost bit the end off of a sentry's +bayonet when I heard this woeful piece of news. Liberty looks a long +way off.</p> + +<p>I made an attempt to write some letters in the Y.M.C.A. this evening +but gave up before the combined assault of a phonograph, a piano, and +a flanking detachment of checker players. Several benches fell on me +and I went to the mat feeling very sorry for myself.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 4th.</b></i> The morning broke badly. I lashed my hand to my hammock +and was forced to call on the P.O. to extricate me. He remarked, with +ill-disguised bitterness, that I could think of more ineffectual +things to do than any rookie it had been his misfortune to meet. I +told him that I didn't have to think of them, they just came +naturally.</p> + +<p>Last night I was nearly frightened out of my hammock by awakening and +gazing into the malevolent eye of my high-powered, twin-six wrist +watch. I thought for a moment that the Woolworth tower had crawled +into bed with me. It gave me such a start. I must get used to my wrist +watch—also wearing a handkerchief up my sleeve. I feel like the sweet +kid himself now.</p> + +<p>Drill all day. My belt fell off and tripped me up. Why do such things +always happen to me? Somebody told us to do squads left and it looked +as if we were playing Ring Around Rosie. Then we performed a fiendish +and complicated little quadrille called a "company square." I found +myself, much to my horror, on the inside of the contraption walking +directly behind the company commander. It was a very delicate +situation for a while. I walked on my tip-toes so that he wouldn't +hear me. Had he looked around I know I'd have dropped my gun and lit +out for home and mother.</p> + +<p>Forgot to take my hat off in the mess room. I was reminded, though, by +several hundred thoughtful people.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 5th.</b></i> Stood for half an hour in the mail line. Got one letter. +A bill from a restaurant for eighteen dollars' worth of past +luncheons. I haven't the heart to write more.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 248px;"> +<a name="fig7_t" id="fig7_t"></a><a href="images/fig7.jpg"><img src="images/fig7_t.jpg" +width="248" height="400" alt=""A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past +luncheons"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past +luncheons"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 6th.</b></i> Bag inspection. I almost put my eye out at right hand +salute. However, my bag looked very cute indeed, and although he +didn't say anything, I feel sure the inspecting officer thought mine +was the best. I had a beautiful embroidered handkerchief holder, +prominently displayed, which I am sure must have knocked him cold. He +missed the dirty white, but I will never be the same.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 245px;"> +<a name="fig8_t" id="fig8_t"></a><a href="images/fig8.jpg"><img src="images/fig8_t.jpg" +width="245" height="400" alt=""He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the +same"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the +same"</span> +</div> + +<p>Fire drill! My hammock came unlashed right in front of a C.P.O. and he +asked me if I was going to sleep in it on the spot. It was a very +inspiring scene. Particularly thrilling was the picture I caught of a +very heavy sailor picking on a poor innocent looking little fire +extinguisher. He ran the thing right over my foot. I apologized, as +usual. I discovered that I have been putting half instead of marlin +hitches in my hammock, but not before the inspecting officer did. He +seemed very upset about it. When he asked me why I only put six +hitches in my hammock instead of seven, I replied that my rope was +short. His reply still burns in my memory. What eloquence! What +earnestness! What a day!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 240px;"> +<a name="fig9_t" id="fig9_t"></a><a href="images/fig9.jpg"><img src="images/fig9_t.jpg" +width="240" height="400" alt=""Fire Drill"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Fire Drill"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 7th.</b></i> Second jab to-morrow. I am too nervous to write to-day. +More anon.</p> + + +<p><i><b>March 16th.</b></i> Life in the Navy is just one round of engagements to +keep. Simply splendid! All we have to do is to get up at 6 o'clock in +the morning when it is nice and dark and play around with the cutest +little hammock imaginable. When you have arrived at the most +interesting part of this game, the four hitch period, and you are +wondering whether you are going to beat your previous record and get +six instead of five, the bugle blows and immediately throws you into a +state of great indecision. The problem is whether to finish the +hammock and be reported late for muster or to attend muster and be +reported for not having finished your hammock. The time spent in +considering this problem usually results in your trying to do both and +in failing to accomplish either, getting reported on two counts. Any +enlisted man is entitled to play this game and he is sure of making a +score. After running around innumerable miles of early morning camp +scenery and losing several buttons from your new trousers, you come +back and do Greek dances for a man who aspires to become a second +Mordkin or a Mr. Isadora Duncan. This is all very sweet and I am sure +the boys play prettily together. First he dances, then we dance; then +he interprets a bird and we all flutter back at him. This being done +to his apparent satisfaction, we proceed to crawl and grind and weave +and wave in a most extraordinary manner. This is designed to give us +physical poise to enable us to go aloft in a graceful and pleasing +manner. After this dancing in the dew you return for a few more rounds +with your hammock, clean up your bay and stand in line for breakfast. +After breakfast we muster again and a gentleman talks to us in a voice +that would lead you to believe that he thought we were all in hiding +somewhere in New Rochelle. Then there are any number of things to do +to divert our minds—scrub hammocks, pick up cigarettes, drill, hike +and attend lectures. As a rule we do all of these things. From 5 p.m. +until 8:45 p.m. if we are unfortunate enough not to have a lecture +party we are free to give ourselves over to the riotous joy of the +moment, which consists of listening to a phonograph swear bitterly at +a piano long past its prime. The final act of the drama of the day is +performed on the hammock—an animated little sketch of arms and legs +conducted along the lines of Houdini getting into a strait-jacket, or +does he get out of them? I don't know, perhaps both. Anyway, you get +what I mean.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 244px;"> +<a name="fig10_t" id="fig10_t"></a><a href="images/fig10.jpg"><img src="images/fig10_t.jpg" +width="244" height="400" alt=""This is designed to give us physical poise"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"This is designed to give us physical poise"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 17th.</b></i> This spring weather is bringing the birds out in great +quantities. They bloomed along the fence today like a Ziegfeld chorus +on an outing. One girl carried on a coherent conversation with six +different fellows at once and left each of them feeling that he alone +had been singled out for her particular favor. As a matter of fact I +was flirting with her all the time and I could tell by the very way +she looked that she would have much rather been talking to me. Last +week I had to convince mother that I was wearing my flannels; this +week I had to convince her I still had them on. The only way to +satisfy her, I suppose, is to appear before her publicly in them. +Poor, dear mother, she told me she had written the doctor up here +asking him not to squirt my arm full of those horrid little germs any +more. She said I came from a good, clean family, and had been bathed +once a week all my life, except the time when I had the measles and +then it wasn't advisable. I am sure this must have cheered the doctor +up tremendously. She also asked him to be sure to see that I got my +meals regularly. I can see him now taking me by the hand and leading +me to the mess-hall. When I suggested to mother that she write +President Wilson asking him to be sure to see that my blankets didn't +fall off at night, she said that I was a sarcastic, ungrateful boy.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 18th.</b></i> There is something decidedly wrong with me as a sailor. +I got my pictures to-day. Try as I may, I am unable to locate the +trouble. There seems to be some item left out. Not enough salt in the +mixture, perhaps. I don't know exactly what it is but I seem to be a +little too, may I say, handsome or, perhaps, polished would be the +better word. I'm afraid to send the pictures away because no one will +believe them. They will think I borrowed the clothes.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 19th.</b></i> A funny thing happened last Sunday that I forgot to +record. A girl had her foot on the fence and when she took it down +every one yelled, "As you were." Sailors have such a delicate sense of +humor. Well, that's about enough for to-day.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 20th.</b></i> We had a lecture on boats to-day. The only thing I don't +know now is how to tell a bilge from a painter. The oar was easy. It +is divided into three parts, the stem, the lead and the muzzle. I must +remember this, it is very important. The men are getting so used to +inoculations around here that they complain when they don't get +enough. We're shaping up into a fine body of men, our company +commander told us this morning, and added, that if we continue to pick +up cigarette butts several more weeks we'll be able to stack arms +without dropping our guns. Eli, the goat, seems unwell to-day. I +attribute his unfortunate condition to his constant and unrelenting +efforts to keep the canteen clear of paper. It is my belief that +goats are not healthy because of the fact that they eat paper, but in +spite of it, and I feel sure that if all goats got together and +decided to cut out paper for a while and live on a regular diet, they +would be a much more robust race. The movies were great to-night. I +saw Sidney Drew's left ear and a mole on the neck of the man in front +of me.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 21st.</b></i> A fellow in our bay asked last night how much an +admiral's pay was a month and when we told him he yawned, turned over +on his side and said, "Not enough." He added that he could pick up +that much at a first-class parade any time. We all tightened our wrist +watches. Been blinking at the blinker all evening. Can't make much +sense out of it. The bloomin' thing is always two blinks ahead of me. +It's all very nice, I dare say, but I'd much rather get my messages on +scented paper. I got one to-day. She called me her "Great, big, cute +little sailor boy." Those were her exact words. How clever she is. I'm +going to marry her just as soon as I'm a junior lieutenant. She'll +wait a year, anyway.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 22d.</b></i> I made up verses to myself in my hammock last night. +Perhaps I'll send some of them to the camp paper. It would be nice to +see your stuff in print. Here's one of the poems:</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><b>THE UNREGENERATE SAILOR MAN</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><b>I</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I take my booze<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In my overshoes;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm fond of the taste of rubber;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I oil my hair<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With the grease of bear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or else with a bull whale's blubber.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><b>II</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My dusky wife<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was a source of strife,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So I left her in Singapore<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And sailed away<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At the break of day—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since then I have widowed four.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><b>III</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Avast! Belay,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And alack-a-day<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That I gazed in the eyes of beauty.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For in devious ways<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their innocent gaze<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has caused me much extra duty.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><b>IV</b><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I never get past<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The jolly old mast,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The skipper and I are quite chummy;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He knows me by sight<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When I'm sober or tight<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And calls me a "wicked old rummy."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>A sort of sweetheart-in-every-port type I intend to make him—a +seafaring man of the old school such as I suppose some of the +six-stripers around here were. I don't imagine it was very difficult +to get a good conduct record in the old days, because from all the +tales I've heard from this source and that, a sailor-man who did not +too openly boast of being a bigamist and who limited his homicidical +inclinations to half a dozen foreigners when on shore leave, was +considered a highly respectable character. Perhaps this is not at all +true and I for one can hardly believe it when I look at the virtuous +and impeccable exteriors of the few remaining representatives with +whom I have come in contact. However, any one has my permission to ask +them if it is true or not, should they care to find out for +themselves. I refuse to be held responsible though. I think I shall +send this poem to the paper soon.</p> + +<p>It must be wonderful to get your poems in print. All my friends would +be so proud to know me. I wonder if the editors are well disposed, +God-fearing men.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 248px;"> +<a name="fig11_t" id="fig11_t"></a><a href="images/fig11.jpg"><img src="images/fig11_t.jpg" +width="248" height="400" alt=""Liberty Party"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Liberty Party"</span> +</div> + +<p>From all I hear they must be a hard lot. Probably they'll be nice to +me because of my connections. I know so many bartenders. Next week I +rate liberty! Ah, little book, I wonder what these pages will contain +when I come back. I hate to think. New York, you know, is such an +interesting place.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 25th.</b></i> Man! Man! How I suffer! I'm so weary I could sleep on my +company commander's breast, and to bring oneself to that one must be +considerably fatigued, so to speak. Who invented liberty, anyway? It's +a greatly over-rated pastime as far as I can make out, consisting of +coming and going with the middle part omitted.</p> + +<p>One man whispered to me at muster this morning that all he could +remember of his liberty was checking out and checking in. He looked +unwell. My old pal, "Spike" Kelly, I hear was also out of luck. His +girl was the skipper of a Fourteenth Street crosstown car, so he was +forced to spend most of his time riding, between the two rivers. He +nickeled himself to death in doing it. He said if Mr. Shonts plays +golf, as no doubt he does, he has "Spike" Kelly to thank for a nice, +new box of golf balls. And while on the subject, "Spike" observes that +one of those engaging car signs should read:</p> + +<p>"Is it Gallantry, or the Advent of Woman Suffrage, or the Presence of +the Conductorette that Causes So Many Sailors to Wear Out Their Seats +Riding Back and Forth, and So Many Unnecessary Fares to Be Rung Up in +So Doing?"</p> + +<p>His conversation with "Mame," his light-o'-love, was conducted along +this line:</p> + +<p>"Say, Mame."</p> + +<p>"Yes, George, dear (fare, please, madam). What does tweetums want?"</p> + +<p>"You look swell in your new uniform."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Georgie, do you think it fits? (Yes, madam, positively, the car +was brushed this morning, your baby will be perfectly safe inside.)"</p> + +<p>"Mame."</p> + +<p>"George! (Step forward, please.) Go on, dear."</p> + +<p>"Mame, it's doggon hard to talk to you here."</p> + +<p>"Isn't it just! (What is it lady? Cabbage? Oh, baggage! No, no, you +can't check baggage here; this isn't a regular train.) George, stop +holding my hand! I can't make change!"</p> + +<p>"Aw, Mame, who do you love?"</p> + +<p>"Why, tweetums, I love—(plenty of room up forward! Don't jam up the +door) you, of course. (Fare, please! Fare, please! Have your change +ready!)"</p> + +<p>"Can't we get a moment alone, Mame?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear; wait until twelve-thirty, and we'll drive to the car barn +then. (Transfers! Transfers!)"</p> + +<p>"Spike" says that his liberty was his first actual touch with the +horrors of war.</p> + +<p>Another bird that lived in some remote corner of New York State told +me in pitiful tones that all he had time to do was to walk down the +street of his home town, shake hands with the Postmaster, lean over +the fence and kiss his girl (it had to go two ways, Hello and +Good-by), take a package of clean underwear from his mother as he +passed by and catch the outbound train on the dead run. All he could +do was to wave to the seven other inhabitants. He thought the Grand +Central Terminal was a swell dump, though. He said: "There was quite a +lot of it," which is true.</p> + +<p>As for myself, I think it best to pass lightly over most of the +incidents of my own personal liberty. The best part of a diary is that +one can show up one's friends to the exclusion of oneself. Anyway, why +put down the happenings of the past forty-three hours? They are +indelibly stamped on my memory. One sight I vividly recall, "Ardy" +Muggins, the multi-son of Muggins who makes the automatic clothes +wranglers. He was sitting in a full-blooded roadster in front of the +Biltmore, and the dear boy was dressed this wise ("Ardy" is a sailor, +too, I forgot to mention): There was a white hat on his head; covering +and completely obliterating his liberty blues was a huge bearskin +coat, which when pulled up disclosed his leggins neatly strapped over +patent leather dancing pumps. It was an astounding sight. One that +filled me with profound emotion.</p> + +<p>"Aren't you a trifle out of uniform, Ardy?" I asked him. One has to be +so delicate with Ardy, he's that sensitive.</p> + +<p>"Why, I thought I might as well embellish myself a bit," says Ardy.</p> + +<p>"You've done all of that," says I, "but for heaven's sake, dear, do +keep away from Fourteenth Street; there are numerous sea-going sailors +down there who might embellish you still further."</p> + +<p>"My God!" cries Ardy, striving to crush the wind out of the horn, "I +never slum."</p> + +<p>"Don't," says I, passing inside to shake hands with several of my +friends behind the mahogany. Shake hands, alas, was all I did.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 26th.</b></i> I must speak about the examinations before I forget it. +What a clubby time we had of it. I got in a trifle wrong at the start +on account of my sociable nature. You know, I thought it was a sort of +a farewell reception given by the officers and the C.P.O.'s to the men +departing after their twenty-one days in Probation, so the first thing +I did when I went in was to shake hands with an Ensign, who I thought +was receiving. He got rid of my hand with the same briskness that one +removes a live coal from one's person. The whole proceeding struck me +as being a sort of charity bazaar. People were wandering around from +booth to booth, in a pleasant sociable manner, passing a word here and +sitting down there in the easiest-going way imaginable. Leaving the +Ensign rather abruptly, I attached myself to the throng and started in +search of ice cream and cake. This brought me up at a table where +there was a very pleasant looking C.P.O. holding sway, and with him I +thought I would hold a few words. What was my horror on hearing him +snap out in a very crusty manner:</p> + +<p>"How often do you change your socks?"</p> + +<p>This is a question I allow no man to ask me. It is particularly +objectionable. "Why, sir," I replied, "don't you think you are +slightly overstepping the bounds of good taste? One does not even jest +about such totally personal matters, ye know." Then rising, I was +about to walk away without even waiting for his reply, but he called +me back and handed me my paper, on which he had written "Impossible" +and underlined it.</p> + +<p>The next booth I visited seemed to be a little more hospitable, so I +sat down with the rest of the fellows and prepared to talk of the +events of the past twenty-one days.</p> + +<p>"How many Articles are there?" suddenly asked a C.P.O. who hitherto +had escaped my attention.</p> + +<p>"Twelve," I replied promptly, thinking I might just as well play the +game, too.</p> + +<p>"What are they based on?" he almost hissed, but not quite.</p> + +<p>"The Constitution of these United States," I cried in a loud, +public-spirited voice, at which the C.P.O. choked and turned +dangerously red. It seems that not only was I not quite right, but +that I couldn't have been more wrong.</p> + +<p>"Go," he gasped, "before I do you some injury." A very peculiar man, I +thought, but, nevertheless, his heart seemed so set on my going that I +thought it would be best for us to part.</p> + +<p>"I am sure I do not wish to force myself upon you," I said icily as I +left. The poor man appeared to be on the verge of having a fit.</p> + +<p>"Do you want to tie some knots?" asked a kind-voiced P.O. at the next +booth.</p> + +<p>"Crazy about it," says I, easy like.</p> + +<p>"Then tie some," says he. So I tied a very pretty little knot I had +learned at the kindergarten some years ago and showed it to him.</p> + +<p>"What's that?" says he.</p> + +<p>"That," replies I coyly. "Why, that is simply a True Lover's knot. Do +you like it?"</p> + +<p>"Orderly," he screamed. "Orderly, remove this." And hands were laid +upon me and I was hurled into the arms of a small, but ever so +sea-going appearing chap, who was engaged in balancing his hat on the +bridge of his nose and wig-wagging at the same time. After beating me +over the head several times with the flags, he said I could play with +him, and he began to send me messages with lightning-like rapidity. +"What is it?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Really," I replied, "I lost interest in your message before you +finished."</p> + +<p>After this my paper looked like a million dollars with the one knocked +off.</p> + +<p>"What's a hackamatack?" asked the next guy. Thinking he was either +kidding me or given to using baby talk, I replied:</p> + +<p>"Why, it's a mixture between a thingamabob and a nibleck."</p> + +<p>His treatment of me after this answer so unnerved me that I dropped my +gun at the next booth and became completely demoralized. The greatest +disappointment awaited me at "Monkey Drill," or setting up exercises, +however. I thought I was going to kill this. I felt sure I was going +to outstrip all competitors. But in the middle of it all the examiner +yelled out in one of those sarcastic voices that all rookies learn to +fear: "Are you trying to flirt with me or do you think you're a +bloomin' angel?"</p> + +<p>This so sickened me at heart that I left the place without further +ado, whatever that might be. Pink teas in the Navy are not unmixed +virtues.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 27th.</b></i> My birthday, and, oh, how I do miss my cake. It's the +first birthday I ever had without a cake except two and then I had a +bottle. Oh, how well I remember my last party (birthday party)!</p> + +<p>There was father and the cake all lit up in the center of the table; I +mean the cake, not father, of course. And there was Gladys (I always +called her "Glad"). She'd been coming to my birthday parties for years +and years. She always came first and left last and ate the most and +got the sickest of all the girls I knew. It was appalling how that +girl could eat.</p> + +<p>But, as I was saying, there was father and the cake, and there was +mother and "Glad" and all the little candles were twinkling, lighting +up my presents clustered around, among them being half a dozen maroon +silk socks, a box of striped neck ties, all perfect joys; spats, a +lounging gown, ever so many gloves and the snappiest little cane in +all the world. And what have I around me now? A swab on one side, a +bucket on the other, a broom draped over my shoulder, C.P.O.'s in +front of me, P.O.'s behind me and work all around me—oh, what a +helluvabirthday! I told my company commander last night that the next +day was going to be my birthday, hoping he would do the handsome thing +and let me sleep a little later in the morning, but did he? No, the +Brute, he said I should get up earlier so as to enjoy it longer. As +far as I can find out, the Camp remains totally unmoved by the fact +that I am one year older to-day—and what a hubbub they used to raise +at home. I think the very least they could do up here would be to ask +me to eat with the officers.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 28th.</b></i> These new barracks over in the main camp are too large; +not nearly so nice as our cosey little bays. I'm really homesick for +Probation and the sound of our old company commander's dulcet voice. I +met Eli on the street to-day and I almost broke down on his neck and +cried. He was the first familiar thing I had seen since I came over to +the main camp.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>March 29th.</b></i> This place is just like the Probation Camp, only more +so. Life is one continual lecture trimmed with drills and hikes—oh, +when will I ever be an Ensign, with a cute little Submarine Chaser all +my own?</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 6th.</b></i> The events of the past few days have so unnerved me that +I have fallen behind in my diary. I must try to catch up, for what +would posterity do should the record of my inspiring career in the +service not be faithfully recorded for them to read with reverence and +amazement in days to come?</p> + +<p>One of the unfortunate events arose from scraping a too intimate +acquaintance with that horrid old push ball. How did it ever get into +camp anyway, and who ever heard of a ball being so large? It doesn't +seem somehow right to me—out of taste, if you get what I mean. There +is a certain lack of restraint and conservatism about it which all +games played among gentlemen most positively should possess. But the +chap who pushed that great big beast of a push ball violently upon my +unsuspecting nose was certainly no gentleman. Golly, what a resounding +whack! This fellow (I suspect him of being a German spy, basing my +suspicions upon his seeming disposition for atrocities) was standing +by, looking morosely at this small size planet when I blows gently up +and says playfully in my most engaging voice:</p> + +<p>"I say, old dear, you push it to me and I'll push it to +you—softly, though, chappy, softly." And with that he flung +himself upon the ball and hurled it full upon my nose, completely +demolishing it. Now I have always been a little partial to my nose. My +eyes, I'll admit, are not quite as soulful as those liquid orbs of +Francis X. Bushman's, but my nose has been frequently admired and +envied in the best drawing rooms in New York. But it won't be envied +any more, I fear—pitied rather.</p> + +<p>Of course I played the game no more. I was nauseated by pain and the +sight of blood. My would-be assassin was actually forced to sit down, +he was so weak from brutal laughter. I wonder if I can ever be an +Ensign with a nose like this?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 251px;"> +<a name="fig12_t" id="fig12_t"></a><a href="images/fig12.jpg"><img src="images/fig12_t.jpg" +width="251" height="400" alt=""Of course I played the game no more"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Of course I played the game no more"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 7th.</b></i> On the way back from a little outing the other day my +companion, Tim, who in civil life had been a barkeeper and a good one +at that, ingratiated himself in the good graces of a passing +automobile party and we consequently were asked in. There were two +girls, sisters, I fancy, and a father and mother aboard.</p> + +<p>"And where do you come from, young gentlemen?" asked the old man.</p> + +<p>"Me pal comes from San Diego," pipes up my unscrupulous friend, "and +my home town is San Francisco."</p> + +<p>I knew for a fact that he had never been farther from home than the +Polo Grounds, and as for me I had only the sketchiest idea of where my +home town was supposed to be.</p> + +<p>"Ah, Westerners!" exclaimed the old lady. "I come from the West +myself. My family goes back there every year."</p> + +<p>"Yes," chimed in the girls, "we just love San Diego!"</p> + +<p>"In what section of the town did you live?" asked the gentleman, and +my friend whom I was inwardly cursing, seeing my perplexity, quickly +put in for me:</p> + +<p>"Oh, you would never know it, sir," and then lowering his voice in a +confidential way, he added, "he kept a barroom in the Mexican part of +the town."</p> + +<p>"A barroom!" exclaimed the old lady. "Fancy that!" She looked at me +with great, innocent interest.</p> + +<p>"Yes," continued this lost soul, "my father, who is a State senator, +sent him to boarding school and tried to do everything for him, but he +drifted back into the old life just as soon as he could. It gets a hold +on them, you know."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know," said the old lady, sadly, "my cook had a son that went +the same way."</p> + +<p>"He isn't really vicious, though," added my false friend with feigned +loyalty—"merely reckless."</p> + +<p>"Well, my poor boy," put in the old gentleman with cheery +consideration, "I am sure you must find that navy life does you a +world of good—regular hours, temperate living and all that."</p> + +<p>"Right you are, sport," says I bitterly, assuming my enforced role, "I +haven't slit a Greaser's throat since I enlisted."</p> + +<p>"We must all make sacrifices these days," sighed the old lady.</p> + +<p>"And perhaps you will be able to exercise your—er—er rather robust +inclinations on the Germans when you meet them on the high seas," +remarked the old man, who evidently thought to comfort me.</p> + +<p>"If I can only keep him out of the brig," said this low-down friend of +mine, "I think they might make a first-rate mess hand out of him," at +which remark both of the girls, who up to this moment had been +studying me silently, exploded into loud peals of mirth and then I +knew where I had met them before—at Kitty Van Tassel's coming out +party, and I distinctly recalled having spilled some punch on the +prettier one's white satin slipper.</p> + +<p>"We get out here," I said, hoarsely, choking with rage.</p> + +<p>"But!" exclaimed the old lady, "it's the loneliest part of the road."</p> + +<p>"However that may be," I replied with fine firmness, "I must +nevertheless alight here. I have a great many things to do before I +return to camp and lonely roads are well suited to my purposes. My +homicidal leanings are completely over-powering me."</p> + +<p>"Watch him closely," said the old lady to my companion, as the car +came to a stop.</p> + +<p>"He will have to," I replied grimly, as I prepared to alight.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps Mr. Oswald will mix us a cocktail some day," said one of the +sisters, leaning over the side of the car. "I have heard that he +supported many bars at one time, but I never knew he really owned +one."</p> + +<p>"What," I heard the old lady exclaiming as the car pulled away, "he +really isn't a bartender at all—well, fancy that!"</p> + +<p>There were a couple of pairs of rather dusty liberty blues in camp +that night.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 8th.</b></i> Yesterday mother paid a visit to camp and insisted upon +me breaking out my hammock in order for her to see if I had covers +enough.</p> + +<p>"I can never permit you to sleep in that, my dear," she said after +pounding and prodding it for a few numbers; "never—and I am sure the +Commander will agree with me after I have explained to him how +delicate you have always been."</p> + +<p>Later in the afternoon she became a trifle mollified when I told her +that the master-at-arms came around every night and distributed extra +blankets to every one that felt cold. "Be sure to see that he gives +you enough coverings," she said severely, "or else put him on report," +which I faithfully promised to do.</p> + +<p>She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A. and the Hostess Committee. +Here I stood her up for several bricks of ice cream and a large +quantity of cake. My fourth attempt she refused, however, saying by +way of explanation to a very pretty girl standing by, "It wouldn't be +good for him, my dear; my son has always had such a weak stomach. The +least little thing upsets him."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 246px;"> +<a name="fig13_t" id="fig13_t"></a><a href="images/fig13.jpg"><img src="images/fig13_t.jpg" +width="246" height="400" alt=""She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A."" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A."</span> +</div> + +<p>"I believe you," replied the young lady, sympathetically, as she gazed +at me. I certainly looked upset at the moment. This was worse than the +underwear.</p> + +<p>"So that's an Ensign!" she exclaimed later in an obviously +disappointed tone of voice; "well, I'm not so sure that I want you to +become one now." The passing ensign couldn't help but hear her, as she +had practically screamed in his ear. He turned and studied my face +carefully. I think he was making sure that he could remember it.</p> + +<p>"Now take me to your physician," commanded mother, resolutely. "I want +to be sure that he sees that you take your spring tonic regularly."</p> + +<p>"Mother," I pleaded, "don't you think it is time you were going? I +have a private lesson in sale embroidery in ten minutes that I +wouldn't miss for the world—the sweetest man teaches it!"</p> + +<p>"Well, under the circumstances I won't keep you," said mother, "but +I'll write to the doctor just the same."</p> + +<p>"Yes, do," I urged, "send it care of me so that he'll be sure to get +it."</p> + +<p>Mother is not a restful creature in camp.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 9th.</b></i> "Say, there, you with the nose," cried my P.O. company +commander to-day, "are you with us or are you playing a little game of +your own?"</p> + +<p>I wasn't so very wrong—just the slight difference between port and +present arms.</p> + +<p>"With you, heart and soul," I replied, hoping to make a favorable +impression by a smart retort.</p> + +<p>"That don't work in the manual," he replied; "use your brain and +ears."</p> + +<p>Unnecessarily rough he was, but I don't know but what he wasn't right.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;"> +<a name="fig14_t" id="fig14_t"></a><a href="images/fig14.jpg"><img src="images/fig14_t.jpg" +width="247" height="400" alt=""I wasn't so very wrong—just the slight difference +between port and present arms"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I wasn't so very wrong—just the slight difference +between port and present arms"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 10th.</b></i> I hear that I am going to be put on the mess crew. God +pity me, poor wretch! How shall I ever keep my hands from becoming +red? What a terrible war it is!</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 11th.</b></i> Saw a basket ball game the other night. Never knew it +was so rough. I used to play it with the girls and we had such sport. +There seemed to be some reason for it then. There are a couple of +queer looking brothers on our team who seem to try utterly to demolish +their opponents. They remind me of a couple of tough gentlemen from +Scranton I heard about in a story once.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 12th.</b></i> The price of fags (gee! I'm getting rough) has gone up +again. This war is rapidly cramping my style.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 14th.</b></i> I have been too sick at heart to write up my diary—Eli +is dead! "Pop," the Jimmy-legs, found the body and has been promoted +to Chief Master-at-arms. It's an ill wind that blows no good. I +don't know whether it was because he found Eli or because he runs one +of the most modernly managed mess halls in camp or because his working +parties are always well attended that "Pop" received his appointment, +but whatever it was it does my heart good to see a real seagoing old +salt, one of our few remaining ex-apprentice boys, receive recognition +that is so well merited. However, I was on much more intimate terms +with Eli when I was over in Probation Camp than I was with "Pop." He +almost had me in his clutches once for late hammocks, me and eight +other poor victims I had led into the trouble, and he had our +wheelbarrows all picked out for us, and a nice large pile of sand for +us to play with when fate interceded in our behalf. The poor man +nearly cried out of sheer anguish of soul, and I can't justly blame +him. It's hard lines to have a nice fat extra duty party go dead on +your hands.</p> + +<p>But with Eli it was different. When I was a homeless rookie he took me +in and I fed him—cigarette butts—and I'll honestly say that he +showed more genuine appreciation than many a flapper I have plied with +costly viands. He was a good goat, Eli. Not a refined goat, to be +sure, but a good, honest, whole-souled goat just the same. He did his +share in policing the grounds, never shirked a cigar end or a bit of +paper and amused many a mess gear line. He was loyal to his friends, +tolerant with new recruits and a credit to the service in general. +Considering the environment in which he lived, I think he deported +himself with much dignity and moderation. I for one shall miss Eli. +Some of the happier memories of my rookie days die with him. He is +survived by numerous dogs.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 25th.</b></i> Yesterday I wandered around Probation Camp in a very +patronizing manner and finally stopped to shed a tear on the humble +grave of Eli.</p> + +<p>"Poor sinful goat," I thought sadly, "here you lie at last in your +final resting place, but your phantom, I wonder, does it go coursing +madly down the Milky Way, butting the stars aside with its +battle-scarred head and sending swift gleams of light through the +heavens as its hoofs strike against an upturned planet? Your horns, +are they tipped with fire and your beard gloriously aflame, or has the +great evil spirit of Wayward Goats descended upon you and borne you +away to a place where there is never anything to butt save +unsatisfactorily yielding walls of padded cotton? Many changes have +taken place, Eli, since you were with us, much adversity has befallen +me, but the world in the large is very much the same. Bill and Mike +have been shipped to sea and strange enough to say, old Spike Kelly +has made the Quartermasters School. I alone of all the gang remain +unspoken for—nobody seems anxious to avail themselves of my services. +My tapes are dirtier and my white hat grows less "sea-going" every day +and even you, Eli, are being forgotten. The company commander still +carols sweetly in the morning about "barrackses" and fire +"distinguishers," rookies still continue to rook about the camp in +their timid, mild-eyed way, while week-old sailors with unwashed +leggins delight their simple souls with cries of 'twenty-one days.' +New goats have sprung up to take your place in the life of the camp +and belittle your past achievements, but to me, O unregenerate goat, +you shall ever remain a refreshing memory. Good butting, O excellent +ruminant, wherever thou should chance to be. I salute you."</p> + +<p>This soliloquy brought me to the verge of an emotional break-down. I +departed the spot in silence. On my way back through Probation I +chanced upon a group of rookies studying for their examinations and +was surprised to remember how much I had contrived to forget. +Nevertheless I stopped one of the students and asked him what a +"hakamaback" was and found to my relief that he didn't know.</p> + +<p>"Back to your manual," said I gloomily, "I fear you will never be a +sailor."</p> + +<p>Having thus made heavy the heart of another, I continued on my way +feeling somehow greatly cheered only to find upon entering my barracks +that my blankets were in the lucky bag. How did I ever forget to place +them in my hammock? It was a natural omission though, I fancy, for the +master-at-arms so terrifies me in the morning with his great shouts of +"Hit the deck, sailor! Shake a leg—rise an' shine" that I am unnerved +for the remainder of the day.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 29th.</b></i> Life seems to be composed of just one parade after +another. I am weary of the plaudits and acclamation of the multitude +and long for some sequestered spot on a mountain peak in Thibet. Every +time I see a street I instinctively start to walk down the middle of +it. Last week I was one of the many thousands of Pelham men who +marched along Fifth Avenue in the Liberty Loan parade. I thought I was +doing particularly well and would have made a perfect score if one of +my leggins hadn't come off right in front of the reviewing stand much +to the annoyance of the guy behind me because he tripped on it and +almost dropped his gun. For the remainder of the parade I was +subjected to a running fire of abuse that fairly made my flesh crawl.</p> + +<p>At the end of the march I ran into a rather nebulous, middle-aged sort +of a gentleman soldier who was sitting on the curb looking moodily at +a manhole as if he would like to jump in it.</p> + +<p>"Hello, stranger," says I in a blustery, seafaring voice, "you look as +if you'd been cursed at about as much as I have. What sort of an +outfit do you belong to?"</p> + +<p>He scrutinized one of his buttons with great care and then told me all +about himself.</p> + +<p>"I'm a home guard, you know," he added bitterly, "all we do is to +escort people. I've escorted the Blue Devils, the Poilus, the +Australians, mothers of enlisted men, mothers of men who would have +enlisted if they could, Boy Scouts and loan workers until my dogs are +jolly well near broken down on me. Golly, I wish I was young enough to +enjoy a quiet night's sleep in the trenches for a change."</p> + +<p>Later I saw him gloomily surveying the world from the window of a +passing cab. He was evidently through for the time being at least.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 30th.</b></i> I took my bar-keeping pal home over the last week-end +liberty. It was a mistake. He admits it himself. Mother will never +have him in the house again. Mother could never get him in the house +again. He fears her. The first thing he did was to mix poor dear +grandfather a drink that caused the old gentleman to forget his game +leg which had been damaged in battles, ranging anywhere from the +Mexican to the Spanish wars, according to grandfather's mood at the +time he is telling the story, but which I believe, according to a +private theory of mine, was really caught in a folding bed. However it +was, grandfather forgot all about this leg of his entirely and +insisted on dancing with Nora, our new maid. Mother, of course, was +horrified. But not content with that, this friend of mine concocted +some strange beverage for the pater which so delighted him that he +loaned my so-called pal the ten spot I had been intending to borrow. +The three of them sat up until all hours of the night playing cards +and telling ribald stories. As mother took me upstairs to bed she +gazed down on her father-in-law and her husband in the clutches of +this demon and remarked bitterly to me:</p> + +<p>"Like father, like son," and I knew that she was thoroughly determined +to make both of them pay dearly for their pleasant interlude. +Breakfast the next morning was a rather trying ordeal. Grandfather +once more resorted to his game leg with renewed vigor, referring +several times to the defense of the Alamo, so I knew he was pretty low +in his mind. Father withdrew at the sight of bacon. Mother laughed +scornfully as he departed. My friend ate a hearty breakfast and kept a +sort of a happy-go-lucky monologue throughout its entire course. I +took him out walking afterward and forgot to bring him back.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;"> +<a name="fig15_t" id="fig15_t"></a><a href="images/fig15.jpg"><img src="images/fig15_t.jpg" +width="247" height="400" alt=""The first thing he did was to mix poor dear +grandfather a drink"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"The first thing he did was to mix poor dear +grandfather a drink"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>April 31st.</b></i> Have just come off guard duty and feel quite exhausted. +The guns are altogether too heavy. I can think of about five different +things I could remove from them without greatly decreasing their +utility. The first would be the barrel. The artist who drew the +picture in the last camp paper of Dawn appearing in the form of a +beautiful woman must have had more luck than I have ever had. I think +he would have been closer to the truth if he had put her in a speeding +automobile on its way home from a road house. It surely is a proof of +discipline to hear the mocking, silver-toned laughter of women ring +out in the night only ten feet away and not drop your gun and follow +it right through the barbed wire. After the war, I am going to buy +lots of barbed wire and cut it up into little bits just to relieve my +feelings.</p> + +<p>Last night I had the fright of my life. Some one was fooling around +the fence in the darkness.</p> + +<p>"Who's there?" I cried.</p> + +<p>"Why, I'm Kaiser William," came the answer in a subdued voice.</p> + +<p>"Well, I wish you'd go away, Kaiser William," said I nervously, +"you're busting the lights out of rule number six."</p> + +<p>"What's that?" asks the voice.</p> + +<p>"Not to commit a nuisance with any one except in a military manner," I +replied, becoming slightly involved.</p> + +<p>"That's not such a wonderful rule," came back the voice in complaining +tones. "I could make up a rule better than that."</p> + +<p>"Don't try to to-night," I pleaded.</p> + +<p>There was silence for a moment, then the voice continued seriously, +"Say, I'm not Kaiser William really. Honest I'm not."</p> + +<p>"Well, who are you?" I asked impatiently.</p> + +<p>"Why, I'm Tucks," the voice replied. "Folks call me that because I +take so many of them in my trousers."</p> + +<p>"Well, Tucks," I replied, "you'd better be moving on. I don't know +what might happen with this gun. I'm tempted to shoot the cartridge +out of it just to make it lighter."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you can't shoot me," cried Tucks, "I'm crazy. I bet you didn't +know that, did you?"</p> + +<p>"I wasn't sure," I answered.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm awfully crazy," continued Tucks, "everybody says so, and I +look it, too, in the daylight."</p> + +<p>"You must," I replied.</p> + +<p>"Well, good night," said Tucks in the same subdued voice. "If you find +a flock of pink Liberty Bonds around here, remember I lost them." He +departed in the direction of City Island.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 243px;"> +<a name="fig16_t" id="fig16_t"></a><a href="images/fig16.jpg"><img src="images/fig16_t.jpg" +width="243" height="400" alt=""I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make +it lighter"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make +it lighter"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 1st.</b></i> I visited the office of the camp paper to-day and found it +to be an extremely hectic place. In the course of a conversation with +the Chief I chanced to look up and caught two shining eyes staring +malevolently at me from a darkened corner of the room. This creature +blinked at me several times very rapidly, wiggled its mustache and +suddenly disappeared into the thick shadows.</p> + +<p>"Who is that?" I cried, startled.</p> + +<p>"That's our mad photographer," said the Chief. "What do you think of +him?"</p> + +<p>"Do you keep him in there?" I asked, pointing to the coal-black +cupboard-like room into which this strange creature had disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the Chief, "and he likes it. Often he stays there for days +at a time, only coming out for air." At this juncture there came from +the dark room the sounds of breaking glass, which was immediately +followed by strange animal-like sounds as the mad photographer burst +out of his den and proclaimed to all the world that nothing meant very +much in his life and that it would be absolutely immaterial to him if +the paper and its entire staff should suddenly be visited with flood, +fire and famine. After this gracious and purely gratuitous piece of +information he again withdrew, but strange mutterings still continued +to issue forth from his lair. While I was sitting in the office the +editor happened to drift in from the adjacent room crisply attired in +a pair of ragged, disreputable trousers and a sleeveless gray sweater +which was raveling in numerous places. It was the shock of my life.</p> + +<p>"Where's our yeoman?" he grumbled, at which the yeoman, who somehow +reminded me of some character from one of Dickens's novels, edged out +of the door, but he was too late. Spying him, the editor launched +forth on a violent denunciation, in which for no particular reason the +cartoonist and sporting editor joined. There they stood, the three of +them, abusing this poor simple yeoman in the most unnecessary manner +as far as I could make out. Three harder cut-throats I have never +encountered. While in the office, I came upon a rather elderly artist +crouched over in a corner writhing as if he was in great pain. He was +in the throes of composition, I was told, and he looked it. Poor +wretch, he seemed to have something on his mind. The only man I saw +who seemed to have anything like a balanced mind was the financial +shark, a little ferret-eyed, onery-looking cuss whom I wouldn't have +trusted out of my sight. He was sitting with his nose thrust in some +dusty volume totally oblivious of the pandemonium that reigned around +him. He either has a great mind or none at all—probably the latter. I +fear I would never make an editor. The atmosphere is simply +altogether too strenuous for me.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 4th.</b></i> There seems to be no place in the service for me; I cannot +decide what rating to select. To be a quartermaster one must know how +to signal, and signaling always tires my arms. One must know how to +blow a horrid shrill little whistle in order to become a boatswain +mate, and my ears could never stand this. To be a yeoman, it is +necessary to know how to rattle papers in an important manner and +disseminate misinformation with a straight face, and this I could +never do. I fear the only thing left for me is to try for a +commission. I'm sure I would be a valuable addition to any wardroom.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 6th.</b></i> "Man the drags! Hey, there, you flannel-footed camel, stop +galloping! What are you doing, anyway—playing horses?"</p> + +<p>"Don't be ridiculous," I cried out, hot with rage and humiliation; +"you know perfectly well I'm not playing horse. I realize as well as +you do that this is a serious—"</p> + +<p>At this juncture of my brave retort a gun barrel stove in the back of +my head, some one kicked me on the shin and in some indescribable +manner the butt of a rifle became entangled between my feet, and down +I went in a cloud of dust and oaths. One-fourth of the entire Pelham +field artillery passed over my body, together with its crew, while +through the roar and confusion raised by this horrible cataclysm I +could hear innumerable C.P.O.'s howling and blackguarding me in +frenzied tones, and I dimly distinguished their forms dancing in rage +amid descending billows of dust. The parade ground swirled dizzily +around me, but I had no desire to arise and begin life anew. It would +not be worth while. I felt that I had at the most only a short time to +live, and that that was too long. The world offered nothing but the +most horrifying possibilities to me. "What is the Biltmore to a man in +uniform, anyway?" I remember thinking to myself as I lay there with my +nose pressed flat to an ant hill, "all the best parts of it are arid +districts, waste places, limitless Saharas to him. Death, where is thy +sting?" I continued, as an outraged ant assaulted my nose. The world +came throbbing back. I felt myself being dragged violently away from +my resting place. I was choking. Bidding farewell to the ants, I +prepared myself to swoon when gradually, as if from a great distance, +I heard the voice of my P.O. He was almost crying.</p> + +<p>"Take him out," he pleaded; "for Gord sake, take him out. He's hurtin' +our gun."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 251px;"> +<a name="fig17_t" id="fig17_t"></a><a href="images/fig17.jpg"><img src="images/fig17_t.jpg" +width="251" height="400" alt=""One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed +over my body"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed +over my body"</span> +</div> + +<p>This remark gave me the strength to rise, but not gracefully. My +intention was to address a few handpicked words to this P.O. of mine, +but fortunately for my future peace of mind I was beyond utterance. +Weakly I tottered in the direction of the gun, hoping to support +myself upon it.</p> + +<p>"Hey, come away from that gun!" howled the P.O. "Don't let him touch +it, fellers," he pleaded. "Don't let him even go near it. He'll spoil +it. He'll completely destroy it."</p> + +<p>"Say, Buddy," said the Chief to me, and how I hated the ignominy of +the word, "I guess I'll take you out of the game for to-day. I'm +responsible for Government property, and you are altogether too big a +risk."</p> + +<p>"What shall I do?" I asked, huskily. "Where shall I go?"</p> + +<p>"Do?" he repeated, in a thoughtful voice. "Go? Well, here's where you +can go," and he told me, "and this is what you can do when you get +there," and as I departed rather hastily he told me this also. The +entire parade ground heard him. How shall I ever be able to hold up my +head again in Camp? I departed the spot, but only under one boiler; +however, I made fair speed. Like a soldier returning from a week in +the trenches, I sought the comfort and seclusion of the Y.M.C.A. Here +I witnessed a checker contest of a low order between two unscrupulous +brothers. They had a peculiar technique completely their own. It +consisted of arts and dodges and an extravagant use of those +adjectives one is commonly supposed to shun.</p> + +<p>"Say, there's a queen down at the end of the room," one of them would +suddenly exclaim, and while the other brother was gazing eagerly in +that direction he would deliberately remove several of his men from +the board. But the other brother, who was not so balmy as he +looked, would occasionally discover this slight irregularity and +proceed to express his opinion of it by word of mouth, which for sheer +force of expression was in the nature of a revelation to me. It was +appalling to sit there and watch those two young men, who had +evidently at one time come from a good home, sit in God's bright +sunshine and cheat each other throughout the course of an afternoon +and lie out of it in the most obvious manner. The game was finally +discontinued, owing to a shortage of checkermen which they had +secreted in their pockets, a fact which each one stoutly denied with +many weird and rather indelicate vows. I left them engaged in the +pleasant game of recrimination, which had to do with stolen golf +balls, the holding out of change and kindred sordid subjects. In my +weakened condition this display of fraternal depravity so offended my +instinctive sense of honor that I was forced to retire behind the +protecting pages of a 1913 issue of "The Farmer's Wife Indispensable +Companion," where I managed to lose myself for the time in a rather +complicated exposition of how to tell which chicken laid what egg if +any or something to that effect, an article that utterly demolished +the moral character of the average hen, leaving her hardly a leg to +roost on.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 8th.</b></i> "Give away," said the coxswain to-day, when we were +struggling to get our cutter off from the pier, and I gave away to +such an extent, in fact, that I suddenly found myself balanced +cleverly on the back of my neck in the bottom of the boat, so that I +experienced the rather odd sensation of feeling the hot sun on the +soles of my feet. This procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed. +Nothing I do goes unnoticed, save the good things. The coxswain made a +few comments which showed him to be a thoroughly ill-bred person, but +further than this I was not persecuted. After we had rowed +interminable distances through leagues upon leagues of doggedly +resisting water a man in the bow remarked casually that he had several +friends in Florida we might call upon if we kept it up a little +longer, but the coxswain comfortably ensconced upon the hackamatack, +was so deeply engrossed in the perusal of a vest pocket edition of the +"Merchant of Venice" that he failed to grasp the full meaning of the +remark. I lifted my rapidly glazing eyes with no little effort from +the keelson and discovered to my horror that we had hardly passed more +than half a mile of shore-line at the most. What we had been doing all +the time I was unable to figure out. I thought we had been rowing. I +could have sworn we had been rowing, but apparently we had not. I +looked up from my meditation in time to catch the ironical gaze of the +coxswain upon me, and I involuntarily braced myself to the assault.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 249px;"> +<a name="fig18_t" id="fig18_t"></a><a href="images/fig18.jpg"><img src="images/fig18_t.jpg" +width="249" height="400" alt=""The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed"</span> +</div> + +<p>"Say, there, sailor," said he, with a slow, unpleasant drawl, "you're +not rowing; you're weaving. It's fancy work you're doing, blast yer +eyes!"</p> + +<p>All who had sufficient strength left in them laughed jeeringly at this +wise observation, but I retained a dignified silence—that is, so far +as a man panting from exhaustion can be silent. At this moment we +passed a small boat being rowed briskly along by a not unattractive +girl.</p> + +<p>"Now, watch her," said the coxswain, helpfully, to me; "study the way +that poor fragile girl, that mere child, pulls the oars, and try to do +likewise."</p> + +<p>I observed in shamed silence. My hands ached. A motor boat slid +swiftly by and I distinctly saw a man drinking beer from the bottle. +"Hell isn't dark and smoky," thought I to myself; "hell is bright and +sunny, and there is lots of sparkling water in it and on the sparkling +water are innumerable boats and in these boats are huddled the poor +lost mortals who are forced to listen through eternity to the wise +cracks of cloven-hoofed, spike-tailed coxswains. That's what hell is," +thought I, "and I am in my probation period right now."</p> + +<p>"Feather your oars!" suddenly screamed our master at the straining +crew.</p> + +<p>"Feather me eye!" yelled back a courageous Irishman. "What do you +think these oars are, anyway—a flock of humming birds? Whoever heard +of feathering a hundred-ton weight? Feather Pike's Peak, say I; it's +just as easy."</p> + +<p>Somehow we got back to the pier, but I was almost delirious by this +time. The last part of the trip was all one drab, dull nightmare to +me. This evening my hands were so swollen I was forced to the +extremity of bribing a friend to hold the telephone receiver for me +when I called up mother.</p> + +<p>"What have you been doing?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"Rowing," came my short answer.</p> + +<p>"What a splendid outing!" she exclaimed. "You had such a lovely day +for it, didn't you, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Hang up that receiver!" I shouted to my friend; "hang it up, or my +mother shall hear from the lips of her son words she should only hear +from her husband."</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 9th.</b></i> I am just after having been killed in a sham battle, and so +consequently I feel rather ghastly to-day. I don't exactly know +whether I was a Red or a Blue, because I did a deal of fighting on +both sides, but always with the same result. I was killed instantly +and completely. People got sick of putting me out of my misery after a +while and I was allowed to wander around at large in a state of great +mystification and excitement, shooting my blank bullets into the face +of nature in an aimless sort of manner whenever the battle began to +pall upon me.</p> + +<p>Most of the time I passed pleasantly on the soft, fresh flank of a +hill where for a while I slept until a cow breathed heavily in my face +and reminded me that it was war after all. My instructions were to +keep away from the guns, and get killed as soon as possible. As these +instructions were not difficult to follow, I carried them out to the +letter. I stayed away from the guns and I permitted myself to be +killed several times in order to make sure it would take. After that I +became a sort of composite camp follower, deserter and straggler.</p> + +<p>In my wandering I chanced upon an ancient enemy of many past +encounters.</p> + +<p>"Are you Red or Blue?" I asked, preparing to die for the fifth time.</p> + +<p>"No," he answered, sarcastically, "I'm what you might call elephant +ear gray."</p> + +<p>"Are you the guy the reporter for the camp paper was referring to in +his last story?" I asked him.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he replied, "the slandering blackguard."</p> + +<p>"You hit me on the nose with a push-ball," said I.</p> + +<p>"I'll do it again," said he.</p> + +<p>"That reporter, evidently a man of some observation, said you didn't +wash your neck and that you had the habits of a camel."</p> + +<p>"But I do wash my neck," he said, stubbornly, "and I don't know +anything about the habits of a camel, but whatever they might happen +to be, I haven't got 'em."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, as if to myself, "you certainly should wash your +neck. That's the very least you could do."</p> + +<p>"But I tell you," he cried, desperately, "I keep telling you that I do +wash my neck. Why do you go on talking about it as if I didn't! I tell +you now, once for all time, that I do wash my neck, and that ends it. +Don't talk any more. I want to think."</p> + +<p>We sat in silence for a space, then I remarked casually, almost +inaudibly, "and you certainly shouldn't have the habits of a camel."</p> + +<p>The depraved creature stirred uneasily. "I ain't got 'em," he said.</p> + +<p>"Good," I cried heartily. "We understand each other perfectly. In the +future you will try to wash your neck and cease from having the habits +of a camel. No compromise is necessary. I know you will keep your +word."</p> + +<p>"Go away quickly," he gasped, searching around for a stone to hurl at +me, and discarding several because of their small size. "Go away to +somewhere else. I'm telling you now, go away or else a special detail +will find your lifeless body here in the bushes some time to-morrow."</p> + +<p>"I've already been thoroughly killed several times to-day," I said, +putting a tree between us, "but don't forget about the camel, and for +heaven's sake do try to keep your neck—"</p> + +<p>A stone hit the tree with a resounding crack, and I increased the +distance.</p> + +<p>"Damn the torpedoes!" I shouted back as I disappeared into the +pleasant security of the sun-warmed woods.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 11th.</b></i> "What navy do you belong to?" asked an Ensign, stopping me +to-day, "the Chinese?"</p> + +<p>"Why do you ask, sir?" I replied, saluting gracefully. "Of course I +don't belong to the Chinese Navy."</p> + +<p>"What's your rating?" he snapped.</p> + +<p>"Show girl first class attached to the good ship Biff! Bang! sir," +came my prompt retort.</p> + +<p>"Well, put a watch mark on your arm, sailor, and put it there pronto, +or you'll be needing an understudy to pinch hit for you."</p> + +<p>As a matter of fact I have never put my watch mark on, for the simple +reason that I have been rather expecting a rating at any moment, but +it seems as if my expectations were doomed to disappointment.</p> + +<p>Nothing matters much, anyway, now, however, for I have been selected +from among all the men in the station to play the part of a Show Girl +in the coming magnificent Pelham production, "Biff! Bang!" At last I +have found the occupation to which by training and inclination I am +naturally adapted. The Grand Moguls that are running this show came +around the barracks the other day looking for material, and when they +gazed upon me I felt sure that their search had not been in vain.</p> + +<p>"Why don't you write a 'nut' part for him?" asked one of them of the +playwright as they surveyed me critically as if I was some rare +specimen of bug life.</p> + +<p>"That would never do," he answered. "Real 'nuts' can never play the +part on the stage. You've got to have a man of intelligence."</p> + +<p>"Look here," I broke in. "You've got to stop talking about me before +my face as if I wasn't really present. Nuts I may be, but I can still +understand English, even when badly spoken, and resent it. Lay off +that stuff or I'll be constrained to introduce you to a new brand of +'Biff! Bang!'"</p> + +<p>Saying this, I struck an heroic attitude, but it seemed to produce no +startling change in their calm, deliberate examination of me.</p> + +<p>"He'll do, I think, as a Show Girl," the dance-master mused dreamily. +"Like a cabbage, every one of his features is bad, but the whole +effect is not revolting. Strange, isn't it, how such things happen." +At this point the musician broke in.</p> + +<p>"He ain't agoing to dance to my music if I know it. He'll ruin it." At +which remark I executed a few rather simple but nevertheless neat +steps I had learned at the last charity Bazaar to which I had +contributed my services, and these few steps were sufficient to close +the deal. I was signed up on the spot. As they were leaving the +barracks one excited young person ran up and halted the arrogant +Thespians. "If I get the doctor to remove my Adam's Apple," he pleaded +wistfully, "do you think you could take me on as a pony?"</p> + +<p>"No," said one of them, not without a certain show of kindness. "I +fear not. It would be necessary for him to remove the greater part of +your map and graft a couple of pounds on to your sadly unendowed +limbs."</p> + +<p>From that day on my life has become one of unremitting toil. Together +with the rest of the Show Girls I vamp and slouch my way around the +clock with ever increasing seductiveness. We are really doing +splendidly. The ponies come leaping lightly across the floor waving +their freckled, muscular arms from side to side and looking very +unattractive indeed in their B.V.D.'s, high shoes and sock supporters. +"I can see it all," says the Director, in an enthusiastic voice, and +if he can I'll admit he has some robust quality of imagination that I +fail to possess.</p> + +<p>Us Show Girls, of course, have to be a little more modest than the +ponies, so we retain our white trousers. These are rolled up, however, +in order to afford the mosquitoes, who are covering the show most +conscientiously, room to roost on. And sad to relate, the life is +beginning to affect the boys. Only yesterday I saw one of our toughest +ponies vamping up the aisle of Mess Hall No. 2 with his tray held over +his head in the manner of a Persian slave girl. The Jimmy-legs, +witnessing this strange sight, dropped his jaw and forgot to lift it +up again. "Sweet attar of roses," he muttered. "What ever has happened +to our poor, long-suffering navy?" At the door of the Mess Hall the +pony bowed low to the deck and withdrew with a coy backward flirt of +his foot.</p> + +<p>I can't express in words the remarkable appearance made by some of our +seagoing chorus girls when they attempt to assume the light and airy +graces of the real article. Some of the men have so deeply entered +into their parts that they have attained absolute self-forgetfulness, +with the result that they leap and preen about in a manner quite +startling to the dispassionate spectator. My career so far has not +been a personal triumph. In the middle of a number, the other night, +the dancing master clapped his hands violently together, a signal he +uses when he wants all motion to cease.</p> + +<p>"Take 'em down to the end of the room, boys," he said. "I can tell +three minutes ahead of time when things are going to go wrong. That +man on the end didn't have a thought in his head. He would have +smeared the entire number." I was the man on the end.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 23d.</b></i> This has not been a particularly agreeable day, although to +a woman no doubt it would have been laden with moments of exquisite +ecstasy. Feminine apparel for me has lost for ever the charm of +mystery that formerly touched it with enchantment. There is nothing I +do not know now. Its innermost secret has been revealed and its +revelation has brought with it its full burden of woe. All knowledge +is pain and vice versa. I have always admired women; whether so +profoundly as they have admired me I know not; however that may be, I +have always admired them collectively and individually in the past, +but after today's experience my admiration is tinged with pity. The +source of these reflections lies in no less an article than a corset. +As a Show Girl, it has been my lot to be provided with one of these +fiendish devices of medieval days. It is too much. The corset must go. +No woman could have experienced the pain and discomfort I have been +subjected to this day without feeling entitled to the vote. Yet I dare +say there are women who would gladly be poured into a new corset every +day of their lives. They can have mine for the asking. Life at its +best presents a narrow enough outlook without resorting to cunningly +wrought devices such as corsets in order further to confine one's +point of view or abdomen, which amounts to the same thing. The whale +is a noble animal, it was a very good idea, the whale, and I love +every bone in its body, so long as it keeps them there. So tightly was +my body clutched in the embrace of this vicious contraption that I +found it impossible to inhale my much needed cigarette. The smoke +would descend no further than my throat. The rest of me was a closed +port, a roadway blocked to traffic. I have suffered.</p> + +<p>But there were also other devices, other soft, seductive under +strappings. I know them all to their last most intimate detail. I +feel that now I could join a woman's sewing circle and talk with as +much authority and wisdom as the most veteraned corset wearer present. +My views would be radical perhaps but at least they would have the +virtue of being refreshing.</p> + +<p>However, I can see some good coming out of my unavoidably acquired +knowledge of female attire. In future days, while my wife is out +purchasing shirts and neckties for me, I can easily employ my time to +advantage in shopping around Fifth Avenue in search of the correct +thing in lingerie for her. It will be a great help to the household +and I am sure impress my wife with the depth and range of my +education, which I will be able to tell her, thank God, was innocently +acquired.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 28th.</b></i> I am slowly forming back into my pristine shape but only +after having been freed from bondage for some hours. After several +more sodas, concoctions which up till recently I have despised as +injurious, I guess I will have filled out to my usual dimensions +around the waist line, but when I consider the long days of womanhood +stretched out before me in the future I will admit it is with a +sinking not only of the waist, but also of the heart.</p> + +<p>More indignities have been heaped upon me. Why did I ever take up the +profession of a show girl? To-day I fell into the clutches of the +barbers. They were not gentle clutches, brutal rather; and such an +outspoken lot they were at that.</p> + +<p>"What's that?" asked one of them as I stood rather nervously before +him with bared chest.</p> + +<p>"Why, that," I replied, a trifle disconcerted, "that's my chest."</p> + +<p>He looked at me for a moment, then smiled a slow, pitying smile. "Hey, +Tony," he suddenly called to his colleague, "come over here a moment +and see what this bird claims to be a chest."</p> + +<p>All this yelled in the faces of the entire Biff-Bang company. It was +more inhuman and debasing than my first physical examination in +public. The doctors on this occasion, although they had not +complimented me, had at least been comparatively impersonal in +despatching their offices, but these men were far from being +impersonal. I perceived with horror that it was their intention to use +my chest as a means of bringing humor into their drab existences. Tony +came and surveyed me critically.</p> + +<p>"That," he drawled musically, "ees not a chest. That ees the bottom +part of hees neck."</p> + +<p>"I know it is," replied the other, "but somehow his arms have gotten +mixed up in the middle of it."</p> + +<p>Tony shrugged his shoulders eloquently. He assumed the appearance of a +man completely baffled.</p> + +<p>"Honestly, now, young feller," continued my first tormentor, "are you +serious when you try to tell us that that is your chest?"</p> + +<p>He drew attention to the highly disputed territory by poking me +diligently with his thumb.</p> + +<p>"That's the part the doctor always listened to whenever I had a cold," +I replied as indifferently as possible. The man pondered over this for +a moment.</p> + +<p>"Well," he replied at length, "probably the doctor was right, but to +the impartial observer it would seem to be, as my friend Tony so +accurately observed, the bottom part of your neck."</p> + +<p>"It really doesn't matter much after all," I replied, hoping to close +the conversation. "You all were not sent here to establish the +location of the different parts of my anatomy, anyway."</p> + +<p>The man appeared not to have heard me. "I'd swear," he murmured +musingly, standing back and regarding me with tilted head, "I'd swear +it was his neck if it warn't for his arms." He suddenly discontinued +his dreamy observations and became all business.</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," he began briskly, "now that we've settled that what do +you want me to do to it?"</p> + +<p>"Why, shave it, of course," I replied bitterly. "That's what you're +here for, isn't it? All us Show Girls have got to have our chests +shaved."</p> + +<p>"An' after I've shaved your chest, dear," he asked in a soothing +voice, "what do you want me to do with it?"</p> + +<p>"With what?" I replied, enraged, "with my chest?"</p> + +<p>"No," he answered easily, "not your chest, but that one poor little +pitiful hair that adorns it. Do you want me to send it home to your +ma, all tied around with a pink ribbon?"</p> + +<p>I saw no reason to reply to this insult, but stood uneasily and tried +to maintain my dignity while he lathered me with undue elaboration. +When it was time for him to produce his razor he faltered.</p> + +<p>"I can't do it," he said brokenly, "I haven't the heart to cut it down +in its prime. It looks so lonely and helpless there by itself." He +swept his razor around several times with a free-handed, +blood-curdling swoop of his arm. "Well, here goes," he said, shutting +his eyes and approaching me. Tony turned away as if unable to witness +the scene. I was unnerved, but I stood my ground. The deed was done +and I was at last free to depart. "That's a terrible chest for a Show +Girl," I heard him to say to Tony as I did so.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>May 29th.</b></i> The world has come clattering down around my ears and I am +buried, crushed and bruised beneath the debris. There was a dress +rehearsal to-day, and I, from the whole company, was singled out for +the wrath of the gods.</p> + +<p>"Who is that chorus girl on the end acting frantic?" cried out one of +the directors in the middle of a number. My name was shouted across +the stage until it echoed and resounded and came bounding back in my +face from every corner of the shadow-plunged theater. I knew I was in +for it and drew myself up majestically although I turned pale under my +war paint.</p> + +<p>"Well, tell him he isn't walking on stilts," continued the director, +and although it was perfectly unnecessary, I was told that and several +other things with brutal candor. The dance went on but I knew the eyes +of the director were on me. My legs seemed to lose all proper +coordination. My arms became unmanageable. I lost step and could not +pick it up again, yet, as in a nightmare, I struggled on desperately. +Suddenly the director clapped his hands. The music ceased, and I +slowed down to an uneasy shuffle.</p> + +<p>"Sweetheart," said the director, addressing me personally, "you're not +dancing. You're swimming, that's what you're doing. As a Persian girl +you would make a first class squaw." He halted for a moment and then +bawled out in a great voice, "Understudy!" and I was removed from the +stage in a fainting condition. This evening I was shipped back to +camp a thoroughly discredited Show Girl. I had labored long in +vicious, soul-squelching corsets and like Samson been shorn of my +locks, and here I am after all my sacrifices relegated back to the +scrap heap. Why am I always the unfortunate one? I must have a private +plot in the sky strewn with unlucky stars. Camp routine after the free +life of the stage is unbearably irksome. My particular jimmy legs was +so glad to see me back that he almost cried as he thrust a broom and a +swab into my hands.</p> + +<p>"Bear a hand," he said gleefully, "get to work and stick to it. We're +short of men," he added, "and there is no end of things for you to +do."</p> + +<p>I did them all and he was right. There surely is no end to the things +he can devise for me to do. I long for the glamour and footlights of +the gay white way, but I have been cast out and rejected as many a +Show Girl has been before me.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 1st.</b></i> The morning papers say all sort of nice things about +Biff-Bang but I can hardly believe them sincere after the treatment I +received. I know for a fact that the man who took my place was +knock-kneed and that the rest of his figure could not hold a candle to +mine.</p> + +<p>I still feel convinced that Biff-Bang lost one of its most +prepossessing and talented artists when I was so unceremoniously +removed from the chorus.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 10th.</b></i> I was standing doing harm to no one in a vague, rather +unfortunate way I have, when all of a sudden, without word or warning, +a very competent looking sailor seized me by the shoulders and, +thrusting his face close to mine, cried out:</p> + +<p>"Do you want to make a name for yourself in the service?"</p> + +<p>I left the ground two feet below me in my fright and when I alighted +there were tears of eagerness in my eyes.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied breathlessly, "oh, sir, yes."</p> + +<p>"Then pick up that," he cried dramatically, pointing to a cigar butt +on the parade ground. I didn't wait for the laughter. I didn't have +to. It was forthcoming immediately. Huge peals of it. Sailors are a +very low tribe of vertebrate. They seem to hang around most of the +time waiting for something to laugh at—usually me. It is my belief +that I have been the subject of more mirth since I came to camp than +any other man on the station. Whatever I do I seem to do it too much +or too little. There even seems to be something mirth-provoking in my +personal appearance, which I have always regarded hitherto not without +a certain shade of satisfaction. Only the other day I caught the eyes +of the gloomiest sailor in camp studying me with a puzzled expression. +He gazed at me for such a long time that I became quite disconcerted. +Slowly a smile spread over his face, then a strange, rusty laugh +forced itself through his lips.</p> + +<p>"Doggone if I can solve it," he chuckled, turning away and shaking his +head; "it's just simply too much for me."</p> + +<p>He looked back once, clapped his hands over his mouth and proceeded +merrily on his way. I am glad of course to be able to bring joy into +the lives of sailors, but I did not enlist for that sole purpose. +Returning to the cigar butt, however, I was really quite disappointed. +I do so want to make a name for myself in the service that I would +eagerly jump at the chance of sailing up the Kiel canal in a Barnegat +Sneak Box were it not for the fact that sailing always makes me +deathly sick. I don't know why it is, but the more I have to do with +water the more reasons I find for shunning it. The cigar butt episode +broke my heart though. I was all keyed up for some heroic deed—what +an anti-climax! I left the spot in a bitter, humiliated mood. There is +only one comforting part about the whole affair—I did not pick up +that cigar butt. He did, I'll bet, though when nobody was looking. I +don't know as I blame him—there were still several healthy drags left +in it.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 11th.</b></i> This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of +business if it keeps up much longer. The first thing a sailor will do +after he has been paid off will be to establish a laundry, and he +won't be a slouch at the business at that. I feel sure that I am +qualified right now to take in family laundry and before the end of +summer I guess I'll be able to do fancy work. At present I am what +you might call a first class laundryman, but I'm not a fancy +laundryman yet. Since they've put us in whites I go around with the +washer-woman's complaint most of the time. Terrible shooting pains in +my back! My sympathy for the downtrodden is increasing by leaps and +bounds. I can picture myself without any effort of the imagination +bending over a tub after the war doing the family washing while my +wife is out running for alderman or pulling the wires to be appointed +Commissioner of the Docks. The white clothes situation, however, is +serious. It seems that every spare moment I have I am either washing +or thinking of washing or just after having washed, and to one who +possesses as I do the uncanny faculty of being able to get dirtier in +more places in the shortest space of time than any ten street children +picked at random could ever equal, life presents one long vista of +soap and suds.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 244px;"> +<a name="fig19_t" id="fig19_t"></a><a href="images/fig19.jpg"><img src="images/fig19_t.jpg" +width="244" height="400" alt=""This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of +business"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of +business"</span> +</div> + +<p>"You boys look so cute in your funny white uniforms," a girl said to +me the other day. "It must be so jolly wearing them."</p> + +<p>I didn't strike her, for she was easily ten pounds heavier than I was, +but I made it easily apparent that our relations would never progress +further than the weather vane. I used to affect white pajamas, the +same seeming to harmonize with the natural purity of my nature, but +after the war I fear I shall be forced to discontinue the practise in +favor of more lurid attire. However, I still believe that a bachelor +should never wear anything other than white pajamas or at the most +lavender, but this of course is merely a personal opinion.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 14th.</b></i> I have been hard put to-day. The Lord only knows what +trials and tribulations will be visited upon me next. At present I am +quite unnerved. To-day I was initiated into all the horrifying secrets +and possibilities of the bayonet, European style. Never do I remember +spending a more unpleasant half an hour. The instructor was a +resourceful man possessed of a most vivid imagination. Before he had +finished with us potential delicatessen dealers were lying around as +thick as flies. We were brushing them off.</p> + +<p>After several hair-raising exhibitions he formed us into two lines +facing each other and told us to begin.</p> + +<p>"Now lunge," he said, "and look as if you meant business."</p> + +<p>I glanced ingratiatingly across at my adversary. He was simply glaring +at me. Never have I seen an expression of greater ferocity. It was too +much. I knew for certain that if he ever lunged at me I'd never live +to draw another yellow slip.</p> + +<p>"Mister Officer," I gasped, pointing across at this blood-thirsty man, +"don't you think that he's just a little too close? I'm afraid I might +hurt him by accident."</p> + +<p>The officer surveyed the situation with a swift, practical eye.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I guess he can take care of himself all right," he replied. That +was just what I feared.</p> + +<p>The man smiled grimly.</p> + +<p>"But does he know that this is only practise?" I continued. "He +certainly doesn't look as if he did."</p> + +<p>"That's the way you should look," said the officer, "work your own +face up a bit. This isn't a vampire scene. Don't look as if you were +going to lure him. Y'know you're supposed to be angry with your +opponent when you meet him in battle, quite put out in fact. And +furthermore you're supposed to look it."</p> + +<p>I regarded my opponent, but only terror was written on my face. Then +suddenly we lunged and either through fear or mismanagement I +succeeded only in running my bayonet deep into the ground. In some +strange manner the butt of the gun jabbed me in the stomach and I was +completely winded. My opponent was dancing and darting around me like +a local but thorough-going lightning storm. I abandoned my gun and +stood sideways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger. Had the +exercises continued much longer I would have had a spell of something, +probably the blind staggers.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 245px;"> +<a name="fig20_t" id="fig20_t"></a><a href="images/fig20.jpg"><img src="images/fig20_t.jpg" +width="245" height="400" alt=""I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area +of danger"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area +of danger"</span> +</div> + +<p>"You're not pole vaulting," said the instructor to me, as he returned +the gun. "In a real show you'd have looked like a pin cushion by this +time." I felt like one.</p> + +<p>Then it all started over again and this time I thought I was doing a +little better, when quite unexpectedly the instructor shouted at me.</p> + +<p>"Stop prancing around in that silly manner," he cried, "you're not +doing a sword dance, sonny."</p> + +<p>"He thinks he's still a show girl," some one chuckled, "he's that +seductive."</p> + +<p>Mess gear interrupted our happy morning. The sight of a knife fairly +sickened me.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 24th.</b></i> Last week I caught a liberty—a perfect Forty-three—and +went to spend it with some cliff dwelling friends of mine who, heaven +help their wretched lot! lived on the sixth and top floor of one of +those famous New York struggle-ups. Before shoving off there was some +slight misunderstanding between the inspecting officer and myself +relative to the exact color of my, broadly speaking, Whites.</p> + +<p>"Fall out, there," he said to me. "You can't go out on liberty in +Blues."</p> + +<p>"But these, sir," I responded huskily, "are not Blues; they're +Whites."</p> + +<p>"Look like Blues to me," he said skeptically. "Fall out anyway. You're +too dirty."</p> + +<p>For the first time in my life I said nothing at the right time. I just +looked at him. There was a dumb misery in my eyes, a mute, humble +appeal such as is practised with so much success by dogs. He couldn't +resist it. Probably he was thinking of the days when he, too, stood in +line waiting impatiently for the final formalities to be run through +before the world was his again.</p> + +<p>"Turn around," he said brokenly. I did so.</p> + +<p>"Fall in," he ordered, after having made a prolonged inspection of my +shrinking back. "I guess you'll do, but you are only getting through +on a technicality—there's one white spot under your collar."</p> + +<p>Officers are people after all, although sometimes it's hard to realize +it. This one, in imagination, I anointed with oil and rare perfumes, +and costly gifts I laid at his feet, while in a glad voice I called +down the blessings of John Paul Jones upon his excellent head. Thus I +departed with my kind and never did the odor of gasoline smell sweeter +in my nose than did the fumes that were being emitted by the impatient +flivver that waited without the gate. And sweet, too, was the fetid +atmosphere of the subway after the clean, bracing air of Pelham, +sweet was the smell of garlic belonging to a mustache that sat beside +me, and sweet were the buttery fingers of a small child who kept +clawing at me while their owner demanded of the whole car if I was a +"weal mavy sailor boy?" I didn't look it, and I didn't feel it, but I +had forty-three hours of freedom ahead of me, so what did I care?</p> + +<p>All went well with me until I essayed the six flight climb-up to the +cave of these cliff-dwelling people, when I found that the one-storied +existence I had been leading in the Pelham bungalows had completely +unfitted me for mountain climbing. As I toiled upward I wondered dimly +how these people ever managed to keep so fat after having mounted to +such a great distance for so long a time. Somehow they had done it, +not only maintained their already acquired fat but added greatly +thereto. There would be no refreshing cup to quaff upon arriving, only +water, or at best milk. This I knew and the knowledge added pounds to +my already heavy feet.</p> + +<p>"My, what a dirty sailor you are, to be sure," they said to me from +the depth of their plump complacency.</p> + +<p>"Quite so," I gasped, falling into a chair, "I seem to remember having +heard the same thing once before to-day."</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 25th.</b></i> Neither Saturday nor Sunday was a complete success and +for a while Saturday afternoon assumed the proportions of a disaster. +After having rested from my climb, I decided to wash my Whites so that +I wouldn't be arrested as a deserter or be thrown into the brig upon +checking in. The fat people on learning of my intentions decided that +the sight of such labor would tire them beyond endurance, so they +departed, leaving me in solitary possession of their flat. I thereupon +removed my jumper, humped my back over the tub, scrubbed industriously +until the garment was white, then hastened roofwards and arranged it +prettily on the line. This accomplished, I hurried down, removed my +trousers, rehumped my back over the tub, scrubbed industriously until +the trousers in turn were white and once more dashed roofwards. I have +always been absent minded, but never to such an appalling extent as to +appear clad only in my scanty underwear in the midst of a mixed throng +of ladies, gentlemen and children. This I did. Some venturous souls +had claimed the roof as their own during my absence so that when I +sprang from the final step to claim my place in the sun I found myself +by no means alone. With a cry of horror I leaped to the other side of +the clothes-line and endeavored to conceal myself behind an old lady's +petticoat or a lady's old petticoat or something of that nature. +Whoever wore the thing must have been a very short person indeed, for +the garment reached scarcely down to my knees, below which my B.V.D.'s +fluttered in an intriguing manner.</p> + +<p>"Sir," thundered a pompous gentleman, "have you any explanation for +your surprising conduct?"</p> + +<p>"Several," I replied briskly from behind my only claim on +respectability. "In the first place, I didn't expect an audience. In +the second—"</p> + +<p>"That will do, sir," broke in this heavy person in a quarterdeck +voice. "Who, may I ask, are you?"</p> + +<p>"You may," I replied. "I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the +best he can to keep nice and clean in spite of the uncalled for +intervention of a red-faced oaf of a plumber person who should know +better than to stand around watching him."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 248px;"> +<a name="fig21_t" id="fig21_t"></a><a href="images/fig21.jpg"><img src="images/fig21_t.jpg" +width="248" height="400" alt=""I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he +can to keep clean"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he +can to keep clean"</span> +</div> + +<p>"Don't take on so, George," said one of the women whom I suspected of +edging around in order to get a better view of me, "the poor young man +is a sailor—where is your patriotism?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," broke in the other woman, edging around on the other side, +"he's one of our sailor boys. Treat him nice."</p> + +<p>"Patriotic, I am," roared George wrathfully, "but not to the extent of +condoning and looking lightly upon such a flagrant breach of decency +as this semi-nude, so-called sailor has committed in our midst."</p> + +<p>"If you'd give me a couple of Thrift Stamps," I suggested, "I might be +able to come out from behind this blooming barrage."</p> + +<p>"Shameless," exploded the man.</p> + +<p>"Not at all," I replied, "in the olden days it was quite customary for +young gentlemen and elderly stout ones like yourself, for instance, to +drop in at the best caves with very much less on than I have without +any one considering their conduct in any degree irregular. In fact, +the ladies of this time were no better themselves, it being deemed +highly proper for them to appear in some small bit of stuff and nobody +thought the worst of it at all. Take the early days of the fifteenth +century B.C.—"</p> + +<p>At this point in my eloquent address a young child, who had hitherto +escaped my attention, took it upon herself to swing on the line with +the result that it parted with a snap and my last vestige of +protection came fluttering to the roof. For one tense moment I stood +gazing into the dilated eyes of those before me. Then with surprising +presence of mind, I sprang to a ladder that led to the water tank, +swarmed up it with the agility of a cat and lowered myself with a gasp +of despair into the cold, cold water of the tank. From this place of +security I gazed down on the man who had been responsible for my +unfortunate plight. I felt myself sinned against, and the longer I +remained in that water, up to my neck, the more I felt my wrongs. I +gave voice to them. I said bitter, abusive things to the man.</p> + +<p>"Clear the quarter deck," I shouted, "get aft, or, by gad, I'll come +fluttering down there on your flat, bald head like a blooming flood. +Vamoos, hombre, pronto—plenty quick and take your brood with you." +Then I said some more things as my father before me had said them, and +the man withdrew with his women.</p> + +<p>"He's a sailor," he said as he did so. "Hurry, my dears, this is worse +than nakedness."</p> + +<p>I emerged and sat in a borrowed bathrobe the rest of the evening. The +next morning my clothes were still damp. Now, that's what I call a +stupid way to spend a Saturday night on liberty. The fat people +enjoyed it.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>June 29th.</b></i> I met a very pleasant dog yesterday, whom I called Mr. +Fogerty because of his sober countenance and the benign but rather +puzzled expression in his large, limpid eyes, which were almost +completely hidden by his bangs. He was evidently a visitor in camp, so +I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and +several of the better sort of goats. In all of these he displayed a +friendly but dignified interest, seeming to question them on the life +of the camp, how they liked the Navy and what they thought were the +prospects for an early peace. He refused to be separated from me, +however, and even broke into the mess hall, from which he was +unceremoniously ejected, but not before he had gotten half of my +ration. In some strange manner he must have found out from one of the +other dogs my name and address and exactly where I swung, for in the +middle of the night I awoke to hear a lonesome whining in the darkness +beneath my hammock and then the sniff, sniff of an investigating nose. +As I know how it feels to be lonely in a big black barracks in the +dead of night I carefully descended to the deck and collected this +animal—it was my old friend, Mr. Fogerty, and he was quite overjoyed +at having once more found me. After licking my face in gratitude he +sat back on his haunches and waited for me to do something amusing. I +didn't have the heart to leave him there in the darkness. Dogs have a +certain way about them that gets me every time. I lifted Mr. Fogerty, +a huge hulk of a dog, with much care, and adjusting of overlapping +paws into my hammock, and received a kiss in the eye for my trouble. +Then I followed Mr. Fogerty into the hammock and resumed my slumber, +but not with much comfort. Mr. Fogerty is a large, sprawly dog, who +evidently has been used to sleeping in vast spaces and who sees no +reason for changing a lifelong habit. Consequently he considered me in +the nature of a piece of gratifying upholstery. He slept with his hind +legs on my stomach and his front paws propped against my chin. When he +scratched, as he not infrequently did, what I decided must be a flea, +his hind leg beat upon the canvas and produced a noise not unlike a +drum. Thus we slept, but through some miscalculation I must have slept +over, for it seems that the Master-at-arms, a very large and capable +Irishman, came and shook my hammock.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> +<a name="fig22_t" id="fig22_t"></a><a href="images/fig22.jpg"><img src="images/fig22_t.jpg" +alt=""I took him around and introduced him to the rest of +the dogs and several of the better sort of goats"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I took him around and introduced him to the rest of +the dogs and several of the better sort of goatS"</span> +</div> + +<p>"Hit the deck there, sailor," he said, "shake a leg, shake a leg."</p> + +<p>At this point Mr. Fogerty took it upon himself to peer over the side +of the hammock to see who this disturber of peace and quiet could be. +This was just a little out of the line of duty for the jimmy legs, and +I can't say as I blame him for his conduct under rather trying +circumstances. Mr. Fogerty has a large, shaggy head, not unlike a +lion's, and his mouth, too, is quite large and contains some very long +and sharp teeth. It seems that Mr. Fogerty, still heavy with slumber, +quite naturally yawned into the horrified face of the Jimmy-legs, who, +mistaking the operation for a hostile demonstration, retreated from +the barracks with admirable rapidity for one so large, crying in a +distracted voice as he did so:</p> + +<p>"By the saints, it's a beast he's turned into during the night. Sure, +it's a visitation of Providence, heaven preserve us."</p> + +<p>It seems I have been washing hammocks ever since. Mr. Fogerty sits +around and wonders what it's all about. I like Fogerty, but he gets me +in trouble, and in this I need no help whatsoever.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> +<a name="fig23_t" id="fig23_t"></a><a href="images/fig23.jpg"><img src="images/fig23_t.jpg" +width="250" height="400" alt=""I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 1st.</b></i> This day I almost succeeded in sinking myself for the +final count. The fishes around about the environs of City Island were +disappointed beyond words when I came up for the fourth time and +stayed up. In my delirium I imagined that school had been let out in +honor of my reception and that all the pretty little fishes were +sticking around in expectant groups cheering loudly at the thought of +the conclusion of their meatless days. Fortunately for the Navy, +however, I cheated them and saved myself in order to scrub many more +hammocks and white clothes, an object to which I seem to have +dedicated my life.</p> + +<p>It all come about, as do most drowning parties, in quite an unexpected +manner. For some reason it had been arranged that I should take a swim +over at one of the emporiums at City Island, and, as I interposed no +objections, I accordingly departed with my faithful Mr. Fogerty +tumbling along at my heels. Since Mr. Fogerty involved me in trouble +the other day by barking at the Jimmy-legs he has endeavored in all +possible ways to make up for his thoughtless irregularity. For +instance, he met me this morning with an almost brand new shoe which +in some manner he had managed to pick up in his wanderings. It fits +perfectly, and if he only succeeds in finding the mate to it I shall +probably not look for the owner. As a further proof of his good will +Mr. Fogerty bit, or attempted to bite, a P.O. who spoke to me +roughly regarding the picturesque way I was holding my gun.</p> + +<p>"Whose dog is that?" demanded the P.O.</p> + +<p>Silence in the ranks. Mr. Fogerty looked defiantly at him for a moment +and then trotted deliberately over and sat down upon my foot.</p> + +<p>"Oh, so he belongs to you!" continued the P.O. in a threatening voice.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," I faltered; "you see, it isn't that way at all. I belong to +Mr. Fogerty."</p> + +<p>"Who in—who in—who is Mr. Fogerty?" shouted the P.O. "And how +in—how in—how did <i>he</i> happen to get into the conversation?"</p> + +<p>"Why, this is Mr. Fogerty," I replied; "this dog here, sitting on my +foot."</p> + +<p>"Oh, is that so?" jeered the P.O., a man noted for his quick retorts. +"Well, you take your silly looking dog away from here and secure him +in some safe place. He ain't no fit associate for our camp dogs. And, +furthermore," he added, "the next time Mr. Fogerty attempts to bite me +I'm going to put you on report—savez?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Fogerty is almost as much of a comfort in camp as mother.</p> + +<p>Well, that's another something else again and has nothing to do with +my swim and approximate drowning at City Island. Swimming has always +been one of my strong points, and I have taken in the past no little +pride in my appearance, not only in a bathing outfit, but also in the +water. However, the suit they provided me with on this occasion did +not show me up in a very alluring light. It was quite large and +evidently built according to a model of the early Victorian Era. I was +swathed in yards of cloth much in the same manner as is a very young +child. It delighted Mr. Fogerty, who expressed his admiration by +attaching himself to the lower half of my attire and remaining there +until I had waded through several colonies of barnacles far out into +the bay. Bidding farewell to Mr. Fogerty at this point, I gave myself +over to the joy of the moment and went wallowing along, giving a +surprising imitation of the famous Australian crawl. Far in the +distance I sighted an island, to which I decided to swim. This was a +very poor decision, indeed, because long before I had reached the +spot I was in a sinking condition owing to the great heaviness of my +suit and a tremendous slacking down of lung power. It was too late to +retreat to the shore; the island was the nearest point, and that +wasn't near. On I gasped, my mind teeming with cheerless thoughts of +the ocean's bed waiting to receive me. Just as I was about to shake +hands with myself for the last time I cleared the water from my eyes +and discovered that the island though still distant was not altogether +impossible. Therewith I discarded the top part of my suit and struck +out once more. The island was now almost within my grasp. Life seemed +to be not such a lost cause after all. Then suddenly, quite clearly, +just as I was about to pull myself up on the shore, I saw a woman +standing on the bank and heard her shouting in a very conventional +voice:</p> + +<p>"Private property! Private property!"</p> + +<p>I sank. This was too much. As I came up for the first count, and just +before I sank back beneath the blue, I had time to hear her repeat:</p> + +<p>"Private property! Please keep off!"</p> + +<p>I went down very quickly this time and very far. When I arose I saw as +though in a dream another woman standing by the first one and +seemingly arguing with her.</p> + +<p>"He's drowning!" she said.</p> + +<p>"I'm sure I can't help that!" the other one answered. And then in a +loud, imperious voice:</p> + +<p>"Private property! No visitors allowed!"</p> + +<p>The water closed over my head and stilled her hateful voice.</p> + +<p>"No," she was saying as I came up for the third time; "I can't do it. +If I make an exception of one I must make an exception of all."</p> + +<p>Although I hated to be rude about it, having always disliked forcing +myself upon people, I decided on my fourth trip down that unless I +wanted to be a dead sailor I had better be taking steps. It was almost +too late. There wasn't enough wind left in me to fatten a small sized +bubble.</p> + +<p>"There he is again!" she cried in a petulant voice as I once more +appeared. "Why doesn't he go away?"</p> + +<p>"He's just about to—for good!" said the other lady. With a pitiful +yap I struck out feebly in the general direction of the shore. It +wouldn't work. My arms refused to move. Then quite suddenly and +deliriously I felt two soft, cool arms enfold me, and my head sank +back on a delicately unholstered shoulder. Somehow it reminded me of +the old days.</p> + +<p>"Home, James," I murmured, as I was slowly towed to shore. Just before +closing my eyes I caught a fleeting glimpse of a young lady clad in +one of the one-piecest one-piece bathing suits I had ever seen. She +was bending over me sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"Private property!" cried my tormentor, shaking a finger at me. "What +a pity!" I thought as I closed my eyes and drifted off into sweet +dreams in which Mr. Fogerty, my beautiful rescuer, and myself were +dancing hand-and-hand on the parade ground to the music of the massed +band, much to the edification of the entire station assembled in +review formation.</p> + +<p>Presently I awoke to the hateful strains of this old hard-shell's +voice:</p> + +<p>"See what you've done!" she was saying to the young girl. "You've +brought in a half naked man, and now that he has seen you in a much +worse condition than he is, we'll have ten thousand sailors swimming +out to this island in one continuous swarm."</p> + +<p>"Oh, won't that be fun!" cried the girl. And from that time on, in +spite of the objections of her mother, we were fast friends.</p> + +<p>When I returned to shore it was in a rowboat with this fair young +creature. The faithful Fogerty was waiting on the beach for me, where, +it later developed, he had been sleeping quite comfortably on an +unknown woman's high powered sport hat, as is only reasonable.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 2nd.</b></i> Mother got in again. There seems to be no practical way of +keeping her out. This time she came breezing in with a friend from +East Aurora, a large, elderly woman of about one hundred and ten +summers and an equal number of very hard winters. The first thing +mother said was to the effect that she was going to see what she could +do about getting me a rating. She did. The very first officer she saw +she sailed up to and buttonholed much to my horror.</p> + +<p>"Why can't my boy Oswald have a pretty little eagle on his arm, such +as I see so many of the young men up here wearing about the camp?"</p> + +<p>The abruptness of this question left the officer momentarily stunned, +but I will say for him that he rallied quickly and returned a +remarkably diplomatic reply to the effect that the pretty little +eagle, although pleasing to gaze upon, was not primarily intended to +be so much of a decoration as means of identification, and that +certain small qualifications were required, as a rule, before one was +permitted to wear one of the emblems in question; qualifications, he +hastened to add, which he had not the slightest doubt that I failed to +possess if I was the true son of my mother, but which, owing to fate +and circumstances, I had probably been unable to exercise. Whereupon +he bid her a very courteous good-day, returned my salute, and passed +on, but not before the very old lady accompanying my mother saluted +also, raising her hand to her funny bit of a bonnet with unnecessary +snappiness and snickering in a senile manner. This last episode upset +me completely, but the old lady was irrepressible. From that time on +she punctuated her progress through the camp with exaggerated salutes +to all the officers she encountered on the way. This, of course, was +quite a startling and undignified performance for one of her years, +very embarrassing to me, as well as mystifying to the officers, who +hardly knew whether to hurl me into the brig as vicarious atonement or +to rebuke the flighty old creature, on the grounds of undue levity. +Most of them passed by, however, with averted eyes and a +discountenanced expression, feeling, I am sure, that I had put her up +to it. Mother thought it quite amusing, and enjoyed my discomfiture +hugely. Then for no particular reason she began to garnish her +conversation with inappropriate seagoing expressions, such as "Pipe +down," "Hit the deck," "Avast," and "Hello, Buddy!" Where she ever +picked up all this nonsense I am at a loss to discover, but she +continued to pull it to the bitter end.</p> + +<p>"Hello, Buddy!" was the way she greeted the Jimmy-legs of my barracks +after I had introduced her to him with much elaboration. This +completely floored the poor lad, and rendered him inarticulate. He +thinks now that I come from either a family of thugs or maniacs, +probably the latter. I succeeded in shaking the old thing for a while, +and when I next found her she was demonstrating the proper method of +washing whites to a group of sailors assembled in the wash room of one +of our most popular latrines. She was heading in the direction of the +shower baths when I finally rounded her up. She was a game old lady. +I'll have to hand her that. Her wildest escapade was reserved for the +end of her visit, when I took her over to the K. of C. hut, and she +challenged any sailor present to a game of pool for a quarter a ball. +When we told her that the sailors in the Navy never gambled she said +that she was completely off the service, and that she thought it was +high time that we learned to do something useful instead of singing +sentimental songs and weaving ourselves into intricate figures. This +remark forced us to it, and much against our wills we proceeded to +show the old lady up at pool. She had been bluffing all along, and +when it came to a showdown we found that she couldn't shoot for +shucks. When the news spread around the hut the sailors crowded about +her thick as thieves, challenging her to play. She was a wild, +unregenerated old lady, but she was by no means an easy mark, as it +later developed when she matched them for the winnings, got it all +back, and I am told by some sailors that she even left the hut a +little ahead of the game. I don't object to notoriety, but there are +numerous ways of winning it that are objectionable, and this old lady +was one. Mother must have been giddier in her youth than I ever +imagined.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 3d.</b></i> Yesterday I lost my dog Fogerty and didn't find him until +late in the afternoon. He was up in front of the First Regiment, +mustered in with the liberty party. When he discovered my presence he +looked coldly at me, as if he had never seen me before, so I knew that +he had a date. He just sat there and shook his bangs over his eyes and +tried to appear as if he were somewhere else. When the order come to +shove off he joined the party and trotted off without even looking +back, and that was the last I saw of him until this morning, when he +came drifting in, rather unsteadily, and regarded me with a shifty +but insulting eye. I am rapidly discovering hitherto unsuspected +depths of depravity in Mr. Fogerty, which leads me to believe that he +is almost human.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 4th.</b></i> This has been the doggonest Fourth of July I ever spent, +and as a result I am in much trouble. All day long I have been +grooming myself to look spic and span at the review held in honor of +the Secretary when he opened the new wing to the camp. I missed it. I +lost completely something in the neighborhood of ten thousand men. It +seems hard to do, but the fact, the ghastly fact, remains that I did +it. When I dashed out of the barracks with my newly washed, splendidly +seagoing, still damp white hat in my hand my company was gone, and the +whole camp seemed deserted. Far in the distance I heard the music of +the band. Fogerty looked inquiringly at me and I fled. He fled after +me.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 243px;"> +<a name="fig24_t" id="fig24_t"></a><a href="images/fig24.jpg"><img src="images/fig24_t.jpg" +width="243" height="400" alt=""I lost completely something in the neighborhood of +10,000 men"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I lost completely something in the neighborhood of +10,000 men"</span> +</div> + +<p>"Fogerty," I gasped, "this is a trick I have to pull off alone. You're +not in on this review, and for God's sake act reasonable."</p> + +<p>I couldn't bear the thought of chasing across the parade ground with +that simple-looking dog bounding along at my heels. My remark had no +effect. Fogerty merely threw himself into high, and together we sped +in the direction of the music. It was too late. Thousands of men were +swinging past in review, and in all that mass of humanity there was +one small vacant place that I was supposed to fill. I crouched down +behind a tree and observed the scene through stricken eyes. How could +I possibly have managed to lose nearly ten thousand men? It seemed +incredible, and I realized then that I alone could have accomplished +such a feat. And I had been so nice and clean, too, and I had worked +so hard to be all of those things. I bowed my head in misery, and Mr. +Fogerty, God bless his dissolute soul, crept up to me and tried to +tell me it was all right, and didn't matter much anyway. I looked +down, and discovered that my snow white hat was all muddy. Fogerty sat +on it.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 8th.</b></i> As a result of my being scratched out of the Independence +day review I have been tried out as punishment in all sorts of +disagreeable positions, all of which I have filled with an +inefficiency only equaled by the bad temper of my over-lords. Some of +these tasks, one in particular was of such a ridiculous nature that I +refuse to enter it into my diary for an unfeeling posterity to jeer +at. I am willing to state, however, that the accomplishments of +Hercules, that redoubtable handy man of mythology, were trifling in +comparison with mine.</p> + +<p>To begin with, the coal pile is altogether too large and my back is +altogether too refined. There should be individual coal piles provided +for temperamental sailors. Small, colorful, appetizingly shaped mounds +of nice, clean, glistening chunks of coal they should be, and the coal +itself could easily be made much lighter, approaching if possible the +weight of feathers. This would be a task any reasonably inclined +sailor would attack with relish, particularly if his efforts were +attended by the strains of some good, snappy jazz. However, reality +wears a graver face and a sootier one. Long did I labor and valiantly +but to little effect. More coal fell off of my shovel than remained on +it. This was due to the unfortunate fact that coal dust seems to +affect me most unpleasantly, much in the same manner as daisies or +golden rod affect hay fever sufferers. The result was that every time +I had my shovel poised in readiness to hurl its burden into space a +monolithic sneeze overpowered me, shook me to the keel, and all the +coal that I had trapped with so much patience and cunning fell +miserably around my feet, from whence it had lately risen. Little +things like this become most discouraging when strung out for a great +period of time. In this manner I sneezed and sweated throughout the +course of a sweltering afternoon, and just as I was about to call it a +day along comes an evilly inclined coal wagon and dumps practically in +my lap one hundred times more coal than I had disturbed in the entire +course of my labors. On top of this Fogerty, who had been loafing +around all day with his tongue out disporting himself on the coal pile +like a dog in the first snow, started a landslide somewhere above and +came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust. I found myself buried +beneath the delighted Fogerty and a couple of tons of coal, from which +I emerged unbeamingly, but not before Mr. Fogerty had addressed his +tongue to my blackened face as an expression of high good humor.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 249px;"> +<a name="fig25_t" id="fig25_t"></a><a href="images/fig25.jpg"><img src="images/fig25_t.jpg" +width="249" height="400" alt=""Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust"</span> +</div> + +<p>"Take me to the brig," I said, walking over to the P.O., "I'm through. +You can put a service flag on that coal pile for me."</p> + +<p>"What's consuming you, buddy?" asked the P.O. in not an unkindly +voice.</p> + +<p>"Take me to the brig," I repeated, "it's too much. Here I've been +working diligently all day to reduce the size of this huge mass, when +up comes that old wagon and humps its back and belches forth its +horrid contents all over the place. It's ridiculous. I surrender my +shovel."</p> + +<p>"Gord," breathed the P.O., looking at me pityingly, "we don't want to +go and reduce that coal pile, we want to enlarge it."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" I replied, stunned, "I didn't quite understand. I thought you +wanted to make it smaller, so I've been trying to shovel it away all +afternoon."</p> + +<p>"You shouldn't oughter have done that," replied the P.O. as if he were +talking to an idiot, "I suppose you've been shoveling her down hill +all day?"</p> + +<p>I admitted that I had.</p> + +<p>"You see," I added engagingly, "I began with trying to shovel her up +hill, but the old stuff kept on rolling down on me, so I drew the +natural conclusion that I'd better shovel her down hill. It seemed +more reasonable and—"</p> + +<p>"Easier," suggested the P.O.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I agreed.</p> + +<p>There was a faraway expression in his eyes when he next spoke. "I'd +recommend you for an ineptitude discharge," he said, "if it wasn't for +the fact that I have more consideration for the civilian population. +I'd gladly put you in the brig for life if I could feel sure you +wouldn't injure it in some way. The only thing left for me to do is to +make you promise that you'll keep away from our coal pile and swear +never to lay violent hands on it again. You'll spoil it."</p> + +<p>I gazed up at the monumental mass of coal rearing itself like a +dark-town Matterhorn above my head and swore fervently never to molest +it again.</p> + +<p>"Go back to your outfit and get washed and tell your P.O. for me that +you can't come here no more, and," he added, as I was about to depart, +"take that unusual looking bit of animal life with you—it's all +wrong. Police his body or he'll ruin some of your pals' white pants +and they wouldn't like that at all."</p> + +<p>I feared they wouldn't.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," I replied in a crumpled voice, "Much obliged, sir."</p> + +<p>"Please go away now," he said quietly, "or I think I might do you an +injury." He was fingering the shovel nervously as he spoke. Thus +Fogerty and I departed, banished even from our dusky St. Helena.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 9th.</b></i> Working on the theory of opposites, I was next placed as a +waiter in the Chief Petty Officer's Mess over in the First Regiment. I +wasn't so good here, it seems. There was something wrong with my +technique. The coal pile had ruined me for delicate work. I +continually kept mistaking the plate in my hand for a shovel, a +mistake which led to disastrous results. I will say this for the +chiefs, however—they were as clean-cut, hard-eating a body of men as +I have ever met. It was a pleasure to feed them, particularly so in +the case of one chief, a venerable gentleman, who seemed both by his +bearing and the number of stripes on his sleeve to be the dean of the +mess. He ate quietly, composedly and to the point, and after I had +spilled a couple of plates of rations on several of the other chiefs' +laps he suggested that I call it a day and be withdrawn in favor of +one whose services to his country were not so invaluable as mine. +Appreciating his delicacy I withdrew, but only to be sent out on +another job that defies description. Even here I quickly demonstrated +my unfitness and have consequently been incorporated once more into +the body of my regiment.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 10th.</b></i> I had the most terrible experience in mess to-day when a +guy having eaten more rapidly than I attempted to take my ration. When +I told him he shouldn't do it he merely laughed brutally and kicked me +an awful whack on the shin. This injury, together with the sight of +witnessing my food about to be crammed down his predatory maw, +succeeded in bringing all my latent patriotism to the fore and I fell +upon him with a desperation bred of hunger. We proceeded to mill it up +in a rather futile, childish manner until the Master-at-arms suggested +in a certain way he has that we go away to somewhere else. Hereafter +if any one asks if I did any actual fighting in this war I am going to +say, "Yes, I fought like hell many hard and long battles in camp for +my ration," which will be true.</p> + +<p>"Say, buddy," said my opponent, after we had landed quite violently on +the exterior of the Mess Hall, "you didn't git no food at all, did +yer?"</p> + +<p>"No," I replied bitterly; "at all is right."</p> + +<p>He looked at me for a moment in a strange, studying manner, then began +laughing softly to himself.</p> + +<p>"I don't know what made me do it," he said more to himself than to me. +"I wasn't hungry no more. I didn't <i>really</i> want it. I wonder what +makes a guy brutal? Guess he sort of has a feelin' to experiment with +himself and other folks."</p> + +<p>"I wish you'd tried that experiment on some one else," I replied, +thinking tenderly of my shin.</p> + +<p>"Sometimes I feel so doggon strong and mean," he continued, "I just +can't keep from doing things I don't naturally feel like doing. I +guess I'm sort of an animal."</p> + +<p>"Say," I asked him in surprise, "if you keep talking about yourself +that way I won't be able to call you all the names I am carefully +preparing at this moment."</p> + +<p>He peered earnestly down on me for a space.</p> + +<p>"Does my face make you talk that way?" I asked, feeling dimly and +uncomfortably that it did.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he replied, "it's your face, your foolish looking face. I can't +help feeling sorry for it and your funny empty little belly."</p> + +<p>"You're breaking me down," I answered; "I can't stand kindness."</p> + +<p>"I ain't no bully," he said fiercely, as if he was about to strike me. +"I ain't no bully," he repeated, "I'll tell you that."</p> + +<p>"No, sir," I replied soothingly, keeping on the alert, "you ain't no +bully."</p> + +<p>Here he took me by the arm and dragged me along with him.</p> + +<p>"Come on, buddy," he said, "I'm going to take you to the canteen and +feed you. I'm going to do it, I swear to God."</p> + +<p>So he fed me. Stacks and stacks of stuff he forced on me until the +flesh rebelled, after which he put things in my pockets, repeating +every little while, "I ain't no bully, I'll tell you that, I ain't no +bully." He spent most of his money, I reckon, but I did not try to +stop him. He wanted to do it and I guess it made him feel better. +After the orgy I took him around and let him pat Mr. Fogerty. He +seemed to like this. Fogerty took it in good part.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>July 11th.</b></i> There's something about Wednesday afternoons that doesn't +appeal to me. First they make you go away and dress yourself up nice +and clean and then they look you over and make you feel nearly as +childish as you look. Then they put a gun into your hand that is much +too heavy for comfort and make you do all sorts of ridiculous things +with this gun, after which you fall in with numerous thousands of +other men who have been subjected to the same treatment, and together +we all go trotting past any number of officers, who look you over with +uncanny earnestness through eyes that seem to perceive the remotest +defect with fiendish accuracy. Then we all trot home again and call it +a review.</p> + +<p>This is all very well for some people, but not for me. I'm a little +too self-conscious. I have always the feeling that I am the review, +that it has been staged particularly for my discomforture, and that +every officer in camp is on the lookout for any slight irregularity in +my clothes or conduct. In this they have little difficulty. I assist +them greatly myself. To-day, for instance:</p> + +<p>Item one: Dropped my gun.</p> + +<p>Item two: Talked in ranks. I asked the guy next to me how he would +like to go to a place and he said that he'd see me there first.</p> + +<p>Item three: Failed to follow the guide.</p> + +<p>Item four: Didn't mark time correctly.</p> + +<p>Item five: Was in step once.</p> + +<p>Now all of these things are trifling in themselves, but taken en +mass, as it were, it leads up to a sizable display; at least, so I was +told in words that denied any other interpretation by my P.O. and +several pals of his. After the review our regimental commander lined +us up and addressed us as follows:</p> + +<p>"About that review to-day," he began, "it was terrible" (long, +dramatic pause). "It was probably the worst review I have ever seen +(several P.O.'s glanced at me reproachfully), not only that," he +continued, "but it was the worst review that anybody has ever seen. +Anybody! (shouted) without exception! (shouted) awful review! (pause) +Terrible!"</p> + +<p>We steadied in the ranks and waited for our doom.</p> + +<p>"It will never be so again," he continued, "I'll see to that. I'll +drill ye myself. If you have to get up at four o'clock in the morning +to drill in order to meet your classes, I'll see that ye do it. +Dropping guns! (pause). Talking in ranks! (pause). Out-o-step +(terrible pause). Marking time wrong. Everything wrong! Company +commanders, take 'em away."</p> + +<p>We were took.</p> + +<p>"All of those things," said my P.O. in a trembling voice, "you did. +All of 'em. Now the old man's sore on us and he's going to give us +hell, and I'm going to do the same by you."</p> + +<p>"Shoot, dearie," says I, with the desperate indifference of a man who +has nothing left to lose, "I wouldn't feel natural if you didn't."</p> + +<p>And in my hammock that night I thought of another thing I might have +said if it had occurred to me in time. I might have said, "Hell is the +only thing you know how to give and you're generous with that because +it's free."</p> + +<p>But I guess after all it's just as well I didn't.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>August 1st.</b></i> Mr. Fogerty has returned aboard. My worst fears are +realized. For a long time he has been irritable and uncommunicative +with me and has indulged in sly, furtive little tricks unbecoming to a +dog of the service. I have suspected that he was concealing a love +affair from me. This it appears he has been doing and his guilt is +heavy upon him. I realize now for the first time and not without a +sharp maternal pang that he has reached an age at which he must make +decisions for himself. I can no longer follow him out into the world +upon his nocturnal exploits. His entire confidence is not mine. I must +be content to share a part of his heart instead of the whole of it. +Like father like son, I suppose. However, I see no reason for him to +put on such airs. On his return from City Island this time he had +somehow contrived to get himself completely shaved up to the +shoulders. The result is startling. Fogerty looks extremely +aristocratic but a trifle foppish. However, he seems to consider +himself the only real four-footed dog in camp. This is a trifle boring +from a dog who has never hesitated to steal from the galley anything +that wasn't a permanent fixture. I can't help but feel sorry for him +though when I see that far-away look in his eyes. Sad days I fear are +in store for him. Ah, well, we're only young once.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>August 3d.</b></i> "Well, now, son," he was saying, "mind me when I tell yer +that I'm not claiming as to ever have seen a mermaid, but what I am +saying is this and that is if anybody has ever seen one of them things +I'm that man. I'm not making no false claims, however, none +whatsoever."</p> + +<p>I carefully placed my shovel against the wheelbarrow and seating +myself upon a stump prepared to listen to my companion. He was a chief +of many cruises and for some unaccountable reason had fixed on me as +being a suitable recipient for his discourse. One more hash mark on +his arm would have made him look like a convict. I listened and in the +meanwhile many mounds of sand urgently in need of shoveling remained +undisturbed. Upon this sand I occasionally cast a reflective and +apprehensive eye. The chief, noticing this, nudged me in the ribs with +an angular elbow.</p> + +<p>"Don't mind that, sonny," he said, "I'll pump the fear-o'-God into the +heart of any P.O. what endeavors to disturb you. Trust me."</p> + +<p>I did.</p> + +<p>"Now getting back to this mermaid," he began in a confidential voice, +"what I say as I didn't claim to have saw. It happened this way and +what I'm telling you, sonny, is the plain, unvarnished facts of the +case, take 'em or leave 'em as you will. They happened and I'm here to +tell the whole world so."</p> + +<p>"I have every confidence in you, chief," I replied mildly.</p> + +<p>"It is well you have," he growled, scanning my face suspiciously. +"It's well you have, you louse."</p> + +<p>"Why, chief," I exclaimed in an aggrieved voice, "isn't that rather an +unappetizing word to apply to a fellow creature?"</p> + +<p>"Mayhap, young feller," he replied, "mayhap. I ain't no deep sea +dictionary diver, I ain't, but all this has got nothing to do with +what I was about to tell you. It all happened after this manner, +neither no more nor no less."</p> + +<p>He cleared his throat and gazed with undisguised hostility across the +parade ground. Thus he began:</p> + +<p>"It was during the summer of 1888, some thirty odd years ago," quoth +he. "I was a bit young then, but never such a whey face as you, +certainly not."</p> + +<p>"Positively," said I, in hearty agreement.</p> + +<p>"At that time," he continued, not noticing my remark, "I was resting +easy on a soft job between cruises as night watchman on one of them +P.O. docks at Dover. The work warn't hard, but it was hard enough. I +would never have taken it had it not been for the unpleasant fact that +owing to some little trouble I had gotten into at one of the pubs my +wife was in one of her nasty, brow-beating moods. At these times the +solitude and the stars together with the grateful companionship of a +couple of buckets of beer was greatly to be preferred to my little old +home. So I took the job and accordingly spent my nights sitting with +my back to a pile, my legs comfortably stretched out along the rim of +the dock and a bucket of beer within easy reach."</p> + +<p>"Could anything be fairer than that?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," said he, and continued. "Well, one night as I was sitting +there looking down in the water as a man does when his mind is empty +and his body well disposed, I found myself gazing down into two +glowing pools that weren't the reflections of stars. Above these two +flecks of light was perched a battered old leghorn hat after the style +affected in the music halls of those days. Floating out back of this +hat on the water was a long wavery coil of filmy hair, the face was +shaded, but two long slim arms were thrust out of the water toward me, +and following these arms down a bit I was shocked and surprised to +find that further than the hat the young lady below me was apparently +innocent of garments. Now I believe in going out with the boys when +the occasion demands and making a bit of a time of it, but my folks +have always been good, honest church people and believers in good, +strong, modest clothing and plenty of 'em. I have always followed +their example."</p> + +<p>"Reluctantly and at a great distance," said I.</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said he and continued. "So when I sees the condition the +young lady was in I was naturally very much put out and I didn't +hesitate telling her so.</p> + +<p>"'Go home,' says I, 'and put your clothes on. You ought to be ashamed +of yourself—a great big girl like you.'</p> + +<p>"'Aw, pipe down, old grizzle face,' says she; 'wot have you got in the +bucket?' And if you will believe me she began raising herself out of +the water. 'Give me some,' says she.</p> + +<p>"'Stop,' I cries out exasperated; 'stop where you are; you've gone far +enough. For shame.'</p> + +<p>"'I'll come all the way out,' says she, laughing, 'unless you give me +some of wot you got in that bucket.'</p> + +<p>"'Shame,' I repeated, 'ain't you got no sense of decency?'</p> + +<p>"'None wot so ever,' she replied, 'but I'm awfully thirsty. Gimme a +drink or out I'll come.'</p> + +<p>"Now you can see for yourself that I couldn't afford to have a woman +in her get-up sitting around with me on the end of a dock, being +married as I was and my folks all good honest church folks, and bright +moon shining in the sky to boot, so I was just naturally forced to +give in to the brazen thing and reach her down the bucket, a full one +at that. It came back empty and she was forwarder than ever.</p> + +<p>"'Say,' she cries out, swimming around most exasperatingly, 'you're a +nice old party. What do your folks know you by?'</p> + +<p>"I told her my name was none of her business and that I was a married +man and that I wished she'd go away and let me go on with my night +watching.</p> + +<p>"'I'm married too,' says she, in a conversational tone, 'to an awful +mess. You're pretty fuzzy, but I'd swap him for you any day. Come on +into the sea with me and we'll swim down to Gold Fish Arms and stick +around until we get a drink. I know lots of the boys down there. There +ain't no liquor dealers where I come from,' and with this if you will +believe me she flips a bucket full of water into my lap with the +neatest little scale spangled tail you ever seen.</p> + +<p>"'No,' says I, 'my mind's made up. I ain't agoing to go swimming +around with no semi-stewed, altogether nude mermaid. It ain't right. +It ain't Christian.'</p> + +<p>"'I got a hat,' says she reflectively, 'and I ain't so stewed but wot +I can't swim. Wot do you think of that hat? One of the boys stole it +from his old woman and gave it to me. Come on, let's take a swim.'</p> + +<p>"'No,' says I, 'I ain't agoing.'</p> + +<p>"'Just 'cause I ain't all dolled up in a lot of clothes?' says she.</p> + +<p>"'Partly,' says I, 'and partly because you are a mermaid. I ain't +agoing messing around through the water with no mermaid. I ain't never +done it and I ain't agoing to begin it now.'</p> + +<p>"'If I get some clothes on and dress all up pretty, will you go +swimming with me then?' she asks pleadingly.</p> + +<p>"'Well that's another thing,' says I, noncommittal like.</p> + +<p>"'All right,' says she, 'gimme something out of that other bucket and +I'll go away. Come on, old sweetheart,' and she held up her arms to +me.</p> + +<p>"Well, I gave her the bucket and true to form she emptied it. Then she +began to argue and plead with me until I nearly lost an ear.</p> + +<p>"'No,' I yells at her, 'I ain't agoing to spend the night arguing with +a drunken mermaid. Go away, now; you said you would.'</p> + +<p>"'All right, old love,' she replies good-naturedly, 'but I'll see you +again some time. I ain't ever going home again. I hate it down there.' +And off she swims in an unsteady manner in the direction of the Gold +Fish Arms. She was singing and shouting something terrible.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">"'Oh, bury me not on the lonesome prairie</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Where the wild coyotes howl o'er me,'</span><br /> + +<p>was the song she sang and I wondered where she had ever picked it up.</p> + +<p>"Well," continued the chief, "to cast a sheep shank in a long line, +these visits kept up every evening until I was pretty near drove +distracted. Along she'd come about sun-down and stick around devilin' +me and drinking up all my grog. After a while she began calling for +gin and kept threatening me until I just had to satisfy her. She also +made me buy her a brush and comb, a mouth organ and a pair of +spectacles, together with a lot of other stuff on the strength of the +fact that if I refused she would make a scene. In this way that doggon +mermaid continually kept me broke, for my wage warn't enough to make +me heavy and I had my home to support.</p> + +<p>"'Don't you ever go home?' I asked her one night.</p> + +<p>"'No,' she replied, 'I ain't ever going back home. I don't like it +down there. There ain't no liquor dealers.'</p> + +<p>"'But your husband,' exclaims I. 'What of him?'</p> + +<p>"'I know,' says she, 'but I don't like him and I'm off my baby, too. +It squints,' says she.</p> + +<p>"'But all babies squint,' says I.</p> + +<p>"'Mine shouldn't,' says she. 'It ain't right.'</p> + +<p>"Then one night an awful thing happened. My wife came down to the dock +to find out how I spent all my money. It was a bright moon-lit night +and this lost soul of a mermaid was hanging around, particularly +jilled and entreating. I was just in the act of passing her down the +gin flask and she was saying to me, 'Come on down, old love; you know +you're crazy about me,' when all of a sudden I heard an infuriated +shriek behind me and saw my wife leaning over the dock shaking an +umbrella at this huzzy of a mermaid. Oh, son," broke off the Chief, +"if you only knew the uncontrolled violence and fury of two contending +women. Nothing you meet on shipboard will ever equal it. I was +speechless, rocked in the surf of a tumult of words. And in the midst +of it all what should happen but the husband of the mermaid pops out +of the water with a funny little bit of a merbaby in his arms.</p> + +<p>"'Go home at once, sir,' screams my wife, 'and put on your clothes.'</p> + +<p>"'I will,' he shouts back, 'if my wife will come along with me.'</p> + +<p>"He was a weazened up little old man with a crooked back. Not very +prepossessing. I could hardly blame his wife.</p> + +<p>"'So that bit of stuff is your wife, is it?' cries out my old lady, +and with that she began telling him her past.</p> + +<p>"'I know it,' says the little old merman at last, almost crying; 'I +know it, but I ain't got no control over her whatsoever. I've been +trying to get her to come home for the last fortnight, but she just +won't leave off going around with the sailors. The whole beach is +ashamed of her. It's general talk down below. What can I do? The +little old coral house is going to wrack and ruin and the baby ain't +been properly took care of since she left. What am I going to do, +madam? What am I going to do? I'm well nigh distracted.'</p> + +<p>"But his wife was too taken up with the gin bottle to pay much heed to +his pitiful words. She just kept flirting around in the water and +singing snatches of bad sailor songs she'd picked up around the docks.</p> + +<p>"'Take her home,' said my wife, 'take her home, you weakling, by +force.'</p> + +<p>"'But I can't when she's in this condition. I got a child in my arms.'</p> + +<p>"'Give me the baby,' said my wife, with sudden determination. 'I'll +take care of it until to-morrow night when you can come back here and +get it.'</p> + +<p>"He handed the flopping little thing up to my wife and turned to the +mermaid.</p> + +<p>"'Lil,' he says to her, holding out his arms to her, 'Lil, will you +come home?'</p> + +<p>"Lil swims up to him then and takes him by the arm and looks at him +for a long time.</p> + +<p>"'Kiss me, Archie,' she says suddenly, 'I don't mind if I do,' and +flipping a couple of pounds of water upon the both of us on the pier, +she pulls him under the water laughing and that's the last I saw of +either of them. Now I ain't asaying as I have ever seen a mermaid mind +you," continued the chief, "but what I do say is that if any man has +ever seen one I'm the man."</p> + +<p>"I understand perfectly," said I, "and what, chief, became of the +baby?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, the baby," said the chief, thoughtful like; "the baby—well, you +see, about that baby—" he gazed searchingly around the landscape for +a moment before replying.</p> + +<p>"Oh, the baby," he said suddenly, as if greatly relieved, "well, my +wife took the baby home and kept it in the bathtub for a couple of +days after which she returned it in person to its father. She made me +give up my job. It did squint, though," said the chief, as he got up +to go, "ever so little."</p> + +<p>I turned to my shovel.</p> + +<p>"But I ain't saying as I have ever seen a mermaid," he said, turning +back in his tracks, "all I'm saying is that—"</p> + +<p>"I know, Chief," I said wearily, "I fully appreciate your delicacy and +fairness. You're not the man to make any false claims."</p> + +<p>"No, sir, not I," he replied, as he walked slowly away.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>August 5th.</b></i> In order to distract Mr. Fogerty's attention from his +love affair and in a sort of desperate endeavor to win him back to me +I took him away on my last liberty with me. Fogerty doesn't come under +the heading of a lap dog, but through some technical quibble I managed +to smuggle him into the subway. All he did there was to knock over one +elderly lady and lick her face effusively when he had gotten her down. +This resulted in a small but complete panic. For the most part, +however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed at those around him. At +last we reached Washington Square, whereupon I proceeded to take Mr. +Fogerty around and show him off to my friends. He was well received, +but his heart wasn't with us. It was far away in City Island.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 245px;"> +<a name="fig26_t" id="fig26_t"></a><a href="images/fig26.jpg"><img src="images/fig26_t.jpg" +alt=""For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap +and sniffed"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap +and sniffed"</span> +</div> + +<p>At one restaurant we ran into a female whose hair was nearly as short +as Fogerty's. She was holding forth on the Silence of the Soul vs. the +Love Impulse, the cabbage or some other plant. Fogerty listened to her +for a while and then bit her. He did it quietly, but I thought it best +to take him away.</p> + +<p>After supper we went up to another place for coffee, a fine little +place for sailormen, situated on the south side of the square. Here +we were received with winning cordiality and Fogerty was given a fried +egg, a dish of which he is passionately fond. But even here he got +into trouble by putting one of his great feet through a Ukulele, which +isn't such a terrible thing to do, except in certain places.</p> + +<p>Getting back to the station was a crisp little affair. Fogerty and +myself rose at five and went forth to the shuttle. The subway was a +madhouse. We shuttled ourselves to death. At 5.30 we were at the Times +Square end of the shuttle, at 5.45 we were at Williams, at 6 o'clock +we had somehow managed to get ourselves on the east side end of the +shuttle, five minutes later we were back at Times Square, ten minutes +later we were over on the east side once more. At 6.15 I lost Fogerty. +At 6.25 I was back at Times Square. "Hello, buddy," said the guard, +"you back again? Here's your dog."</p> + +<p>At 7 o'clock we were at Van Cortlandt Park, at 8 we were at +Ninety-sixth Street, 9 o'clock found us laboring up to the gate of the +camp, with a written list of excuses that looked like the schedule of +a flourishing railroad. It was accepted, much to our surprise.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 7th.</b></i> I have a perfectly splendid idea. Of course, like the rest +of my ideas it won't work, but it is a perfectly splendid idea for all +that. I got it while traveling on the ferry boat from New York to +Staten Island—the longest sea voyage I have had since I joined the +Navy. On this trip, strangely thrilling to a sailor in my situation, +but which was suffered with bored indifference by the amphibious +commuters that infest this Island in those waters, I saw a number of +ships so gaudily and at the same time so carelessly painted that any +God-fearing skipper of the Spanish Main would positively have refused +to command. Captain Kidd himself would have blushed at the very sight +of this ribald fleet and turned away with a devout imprecation.</p> + +<p>This was my first experience with camouflage, and it impressed me most +unfavorably. An ordinary ship on a grumbling ocean is difficult enough +as it is to establish friendly relations with, but when trigged out in +this manner—why serve meals at all, say I. Nevertheless it occurred +to me that it would not be a bad idea at all to camouflage one's +hammock in such a manner that it took upon itself the texture and +appearance of the bulkhead of the barracks in which it was swung. In +this manner a sailor could sleep undisturbed for three weeks if he so +desired (and he does), without ever being technically considered a +deserter.</p> + +<p>One could elaborate this idea still further and make one's sea bag +look like a clump of poison ivy, so that no inspecting officer would +ever care to become intimate with its numerous defects in cleanliness. +One might even go so far as to camouflage oneself into a writing desk +so that when visiting the "Y" or the "K-C" and unexpectedly required +to sing one would not be forced to rise and scream impatiently and +threateningly "Dear Mother Mine" or "Break the News to Mother." Not +that these songs are not things of rare beauty in themselves, but +after a day on the coal pile one's lungs have been sufficiently +exercised to warrant relief. This is merely an idea of mine, and now +that everybody knows about it I guess there isn't much use in going +ahead with it.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 8th.</b></i> "This guide i-s l-e-f-t!" shouted the P.O., and naturally +I looked around to see what had become of the poor fellow.</p> + +<p>"Keep your head straight. Eyes to the front! Don't move! Whatcha +lookin' at?"</p> + +<p>"I was looking for the guide that was left," says I timidly. "It seems +to me that he is always being left."</p> + +<p>"Company dismissed," said the P.O. promptly, showing a wonderful +command of the situation under rather trying circumstances, for the +boo-hoo that went up from the men after my remark defied all +restraints of discipline.</p> + +<p>"Say, Biltmore," says the P.O. to me a moment later, "I'm going to see +if I can't get you shipped to Siberia if you pull one of them bum +jokes again. You understand?"</p> + +<p>"But I wasn't joking," I replied innocently.</p> + +<p>"Aw go on, you sly dog," said he, nudging me in the ribs, and for some +strange reason he departed in high good humor, leaving me in a greatly +mystified frame of mind.</p> + +<p>Speaking of getting shipped, I have just written a very sad song in +the style of the old sentimental ballads of the Spanish war days. It's +called "The Sailor's Farewell," and I think Polly will like it. I +haven't polished it up yet, but here it is as it is:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A sailor to his mother came and said, "Oh, mother dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I got to go away and fight the war.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So, mother, don't you cry too hard, and don't you have no fear<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When you find that I'm not sticking 'round no more."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"My boy," the sweet old lady said, "I hate to see you go.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've knowed you since when you was but a kid,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But if the question you should ask, I'll tell the whole world so—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">It's the only decent thing you ever did."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i3">A tear she brushed aside,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And then she sadly cried:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">CHORUS<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I'm proud my boy's a sailor man what sails upon the sea.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've always liked him pretty well although he is so dumb.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For years he's stuck around the house and disappointed me.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I thought that he was going to be a bum."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He took her gently by the hand and kissed her on the bean<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And said, "When I'm about to fight the Hun<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You shouldn't talk to me that way; I think it's awfully mean—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I ain't agoin' to have a lot of fun."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I know, my child," the mother said. "The parting makes me sad,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But go you must away and fight the war.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At least you will not live to drink as much as did your dad—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So here's your lid, my lad, and there's the door."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i3">Then as he turned away<br /></span> +<span class="i3">He heard her softly say:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">CHORUS<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The sailors I have ever loved. I'm glad my lad's a gob,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Although it seems to me he's much too dumb.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But after all perhaps he isn't such an awful slob—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I always knew that Kaiser was a bum!"<br /></span> +</div></div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 9th.</b></i> The best way to make a deserter of a man is to give him +too much liberty. For the past week I have been getting my dog Fogerty +on numerous liberty lists when he shouldn't have been there, but not +contented with that he has taken to going around with a couple of +yeomen, and the first thing I know he will be getting on a special +detail where the liberty is soft. I put nothing past that dog since he +lost his head to some flop-eared huzzy with a black and tan +reputation.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 10th.</b></i> All day long and a little longer I have been carrying +sacks of flour. The next time I see a stalk of wheat I am going to +snarl at it. This new occupation is a sort of special penance for not +having my hammock lashed in time. It seems that I have been in the +service long enough to know how to do the thing right by now, but the +seventh hitch is a sly little devil and always gets me. I need a +longer line or a shorter hammock, but the only way out of it that I +can see is to get a commission and rate a bed.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 246px;"> +<a name="fig27_t"></a><a href="images/fig27.jpg"><img src="images/fig27_t.jpg" +width="246" height="400" alt=""I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last +year in the southern section of the state of Montana"" title="" /></a> +<span class="caption">"I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last +year in the southern section of the state of montana"</span> +</div> + +<p>I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the +southern section of the State of Montana, and I was carrying it well +and cheerfully until one of my pet finger nails (the one that the +manicure girls in the Biltmore used to rave about) thrust itself +through the sack and precipitated its contents upon myself and the +floor. A commissary steward when thoroughly aroused is a poisonous +member of society. One would have thought that I had sunk the great +fleet the way this bird went on about one little sack of flour.</p> + +<p>"Here Mr. Hoover works hard night and day all winter," he sobs at me, +"and you go spreading it around as if you were Marie Antoinette."</p> + +<p>I wondered what new scandal he had about Marie Antoinette, but I held +my peace. My horror was so great that the real color of my face made +the flour look like a coat of sunburn in comparison.</p> + +<p>"There's enough flour there," he continued reproachfully, pointing to +the huge mound of stuff in which I stood like a lost explorer on a +snow-capped mountain peak and wishing heartily that I was one, +"there's enough flour," he continued, "to keep a chief petty officer +in pie for twenty-four hours."</p> + +<p>"Just about," thought I to myself.</p> + +<p>"Well," he cried irritably, "pick it up. Be quick. Pick it up—all of +it!"</p> + +<p>"Pick it up," I replied through a cloud of mist, "you can't pick up +flour. You can pick up apples and pears and cabbages and cigarette +butts for that matter, but you can't pick up flour."</p> + +<p>The commissary steward suddenly handed me a piece of paper upon which +he had been writing frantically.</p> + +<p>"Take this to your P.O.," he said shrilly, "and take yourself along +with it.</p> + +<p>"A defect in the sack," I gasped, departing.</p> + +<p>"And there's a defect in you," he shouted after me, "your brain is +exempted."</p> + +<p>"Take this man and kill him if you can find any slight technical +excuse for it," the note ran, "and if you can't kill him, give him an +inaptitude discharge with my compliments, and if you are unable to do +either of these two things, at least keep him away from my outfit. We +don't want to see his silly face around here any more at all."</p> + +<p>The P.O. read it to me with great delight.</p> + +<p>"I guess we'll have to send you to Siberia after all," he said +thoughtfully, "only that country is in far too delicate a condition +for you to meddle with at present. Go away to somewhere where I can't +see you," he continued bitterly, "for I feel inclined to do you an +injury, something permanent and serious." I went right away.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 11th.</b></i> Mother has just paid one of her belligerent visits to the +camp, and as a consequence I am on the point of having a flock of +brainstorms. Some misguided person had been telling her about the +Officer Training School up here, and she arrived fired with the +ambition to enter me in to that institution without further delay. +True to form, she bounded headlong into the matter without consulting +my feelings by accosting the very first commissioned officer she met. +He happened to be an Ensign, but he might as well have been a +Vice-Admiral for all Mother cared.</p> + +<p>"Tell me, young man," she said to this Ensign, going directly to the +point, "do you see any reason why my boy Oswald should not go to that +place where they make all the Ensigns?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the officer firmly, "I do."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you do," snapped Mother angrily, "and pray tell me what that +reason might be?"</p> + +<p>"Your son Oswald," replied the Ensign laconically.</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed Mother, "you mean to say that my Oswald is not good +enough to go to your silly old school?"</p> + +<p>"No," replied the Ensign, weakening pitifully before the withering +fury of an aroused mother, "but you see, my dear madam, he has not a +first class rating."</p> + +<p>"Fiddlesticks!" said Mother.</p> + +<p>"Crossed anchors," replied the Ensign.</p> + +<p>"I didn't mean that," continued Mother, "I think the whole thing is +very mysterious and silly, and I'm not going to let it stop here. You +can trust me, Oswald," she went on soothingly. "I am going to see the +Commander of the station myself. I am going this very instant."</p> + +<p>"But, Mother," I cried in desperation, tossing all consequences to the +wind, "the 'skipper' isn't on the station to-day. He got a 43-hour +liberty. I saw him check out of the gate myself."</p> + +<p>For a moment the Ensign's jaw dropped. I watched him anxiously. Then +with perfect composure he turned to Mother and came through like a +little gentleman.</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam," he stated, "your son is right. I heard his name read out +with the liberty party only a moment ago. He has shoved off by now."</p> + +<p>I could have kissed that Ensign.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm sure," said Mother, "it's very funny that I can never get +to the Captain. I shall write him, however."</p> + +<p>"He must have an interesting collection of your letters already," I +suggested. "They would be interesting to publish in book form."</p> + +<p>"Anyway," continued Mother, apparently not attending to my remark, "I +think you would look just as well as this young man in one of those +nice white suits."</p> + +<p>"No doubt, madam," replied the Ensign propitiatingly, "no doubt."</p> + +<p>"Come, Mother," said I, "let's go to the Y.M.C.A. I need something +cool to steady my nerves."</p> + +<p>"How about your underwear?" said Mother, coming back to her mania, in +a voice that invited all within earshot who were interested in my +underwear to draw nigh and attend.</p> + +<p>"Here, eat this ice cream," I put in quickly, almost feeding her. +"It's melting."</p> + +<p>But Mother was not to be decoyed away from her favorite topic.</p> + +<p>"I must look it over," she continued firmly.</p> + +<p>It seemed to me that every eye in the room was calmly penetrating my +whites and carefully looking over the underwear in which Mother took +such an exaggerated interest. "Socks!" suddenly exploded Mother. "How +are you off for socks?"</p> + +<p>"Splendidly," I said in a hoarse voice. A girl behind me snickered.</p> + +<p>"And have you that liniment to rub on your stomach when you have +cramps?" she went on ruggedly.</p> + +<p>"Enough to last through the Fall season," I replied in a moody voice. +I didn't tell her that Tim the barkeep had tried to drink it.</p> + +<p>"Polly!" suddenly exclaimed Mother. "Polly! Why, I forgot to tell you +that she said that she would be up this afternoon. She must be here +now."</p> + +<p>The world swam around me. Polly was my favorite sweetie.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mother!" I cried reproachfully, "how could you have forgotten?"</p> + +<p>At that moment I heard a familiar voice issuing from the corner, and +turning around, I caught sight of the staff reporter of the camp +paper, a notoriously unscrupulous sailor with predatory proclivities. +He had gotten Polly in a corner and was chinning the ear off of her. +As I drew near I heard him saying:</p> + +<p>"Really it's an awful pity, but I distinctly remember him saying that +he was going away on liberty to-day. He mentioned some girl's name, +but it didn't sound anything at all like yours."</p> + +<p>Polly looked at him trustfully.</p> + +<p>"Are you sure, Mr.——"</p> + +<p>"Savanrola," the lying wretch supplied without turning a hair.</p> + +<p>"Are you sure, Mr. Savanrola, that he has left the station?"</p> + +<p>"Saw him check out with my own eyes," he said calmly.</p> + +<p>I moved nearer, my hands twitching.</p> + +<p>"Now with an honest old seafaring man like myself," he continued, in a +confidential voice, "it's different. Why, if I should wear all the +hash marks I rate I'd look like a zebra. So I just don't wear any. You +know how it is. But when I like a girl I stick to her. Now from the +very first moment I laid eyes on you—"</p> + +<p>Human endurance could stand no more. I threw myself between them.</p> + +<p>"Why, here's Oswald hisself," exclaimed the reporter with masterfully +feigned surprise. "However did you get back so soon?"</p> + +<p>"I have never been away anywhere to get back from, and you know it," I +replied coldly.</p> + +<p>"Strange!" he said, "I could have sworn that I saw you checking out. +Can I get you some ice cream?" he added smoothly.</p> + +<p>"What on?" I replied bitterly, knowing him always to be broke.</p> + +<p>"Your mother must have—"</p> + +<p>"Come," said I to Polly, "leave this degraded creature to ply his +pernicious trade alone. I have some very important words to say to +you."</p> + +<p>"Good-by, Mr. Savanrola," said Polly.</p> + +<p>"Until we meet again," answered the reporter, with the utmost +confidence.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 12th.</b></i> It's all arranged. Those words I had to say to Polly were +not spoken in vain. She has promised to be my permanent sweetie. Of +course, I have had a number of transit sweeties in the past, but now +I'm going to settle down to one steady, day in and day out sweetie. I +told Tim, the barkeep, about it last night and all he said was:</p> + +<p>"What about all those parties we'd planned to have after we were paid +off?"</p> + +<p>This sort of set me back for the moment. The spell of Polly's eyes had +made me forget all about Tim.</p> + +<p>"Well, Tim," I replied, "I'll have to think about that. Come on over +to the canteen and I'll feed you some of those honest, upstanding +sandwiches they have over there."</p> + +<p>"Say," says Tim, the carnal beast, forgetting everything at the +prospect of food, "I feel as if I could cover a flock of them without +trying."</p> + +<p>So together Tim and I had a bachelor's dinner over the sandwiches, +which were worthy of that auspicious occasion.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 17th.</b></i> We were standing on a street corner of a neighboring +town. The party consisted of Tim the barkeep, the "Spider," an +individual who modestly acknowledged credit for having brought relief +to several over-crowded safes in the good old civilian days; Tony, who +delivered ice in my district also in those aforementioned days, and +myself. These gentlemen for some time had been allowing me to exist in +peace, and I had been showing my gratitude by buying them whatever +little dainties they desired, but such a comfortable state of affairs +could not long continue with that bunch. Suddenly, without any +previous consultation, as if drawn together as it were by some +fiendish undercurrent, they decided to make me unhappy—me, the only +guy that spoke unbroken English in the crowd. This is the way they +accomplished their low ends. When the next civilian came along they +all of them shouted at me in tones that could be heard by all +passers-by:</p> + +<p>"Here comes a 'ciwilian,' buddy; he'll give you a quarter."</p> + +<p>"Do you need some money, my boy?" said the old gentleman to me in a +kindly voice.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," I stammered, getting red all over, "thank you very much, +but I really don't need any money."</p> + +<p>Ironical laughter from my friends in the background.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," cries Tim sarcastically, "he don't need no money. Just watch +him when he sees the color of it."</p> + +<p>"Don't hesitate, my son," continued the kind old man, "if you need +anything I would be glad to help you out."</p> + +<p>"No, sir," I replied, turning away to hide my mortification, +"everything is all right."</p> + +<p>"Poor but proud," hisses the "Spider." The old gentleman passed on, +sorely perplexed.</p> + +<p>For some time I was a victim of this crude plot. When I tried to move +away they followed me around the streets, crying after me:</p> + +<p>"Any 'ciwilian' will give you a quarter. Go on an' ask them."</p> + +<p>Several ladies stopped and asked if they could be of any service to +me. I assured them that they couldn't, but all the time these low +sailors whom I had been feeding lavishly kept jeering and intimating +that I was fooling and would take any amount of money offered me from +a dime up. This shower of conflicting statements always left the +kindhearted people in a confused frame of mind and broke me up +completely. I had to chase one man all the way down the street and +hand him back the quarter he had thrust into my hand. My friends never +forgave me for this.</p> + +<p>At length, tiring of their sport, they desisted and stood gloomily on +the curb as sailors do, looking idly at nothing.</p> + +<p>"It don't look like we was ever going to get a hitch," said the +"Spider," after we had abandonedly offered ourselves to several +automobiles.</p> + +<p>At that moment a huge machine rolled heavily by.</p> + +<p>"There goes a piece of junk," said Tim. The lady in the machine must +have heard him, for the car came to and she motioned for us to get in.</p> + +<p>"Going our way?" she asked, smiling at us.</p> + +<p>"Thanks, lady," replies Tim, elbowing me aside as he climbed aboard.</p> + +<p>"Dust your feet," I whispered to Tony as he was about to climb in.</p> + +<p>"Whatta you mean, dusta my feet?" shouted Tony wrathfully, "you go +head an' dusta your feet! I look out for my feet all right."</p> + +<p>"What did he want yer to do, Tony?" asked Tim in a loud voice.</p> + +<p>"Dusta my feet," answered Tony, greatly injured.</p> + +<p>"What yer doin', Oswald?" asks Tim sarcastically, "tryin' to drag us +up?"</p> + +<p>"I only spoke for the best," I answered, sick at heart.</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha!" grated Tim, "guess you think we ain't never rode in one of +these wealthy wagons before."</p> + +<p>"Arn't you rather young?" asked the lady soothingly of the "Spider," +who by virtue of his mechanical experience in civil life had been +given a first class rating, "Arn't you rather young to have so many +things on your arm?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," answered the "Spider" promptly, "but I kin do a lot of tricks."</p> + +<p>The conversation languished from this point.</p> + +<p>"We always take our boys to dinner, don't we, dear?" said the lady to +her husband a little later.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear," he answered meekly, just like that.</p> + +<p>Expectant silence from the four of us.</p> + +<p>"Have you boys had dinner?" the lady asked.</p> + +<p>"Certainly not," we cried, with an earnestness that gave the lie to +our statement, "no dinner!"</p> + +<p>"None at all," added Tim thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>The automobile drew up at a 14k. plate-glass house that fairly made +the "Spider" itch.</p> + +<p>"Gosh," he whispered to me, looking at the porch, "that wouldn't be +hard for me."</p> + +<p>During the dinner he kept sort of lifting and weighing the silver and +then looking at me and winking in an obvious manner.</p> + +<p>"Not many people here to-night," said Tony from behind his plate.</p> + +<p>"Why, there is the usual number," said the husband in surprise, "my +wife and myself live alone."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Tony, looking around at the tremendous dining hall, "I +thought this was a restaurant."</p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 246px;"> +<a name="fig28_t"></a><a href="images/fig28.jpg"><img src="images/fig28_t.jpg" +width="246" height="400" alt=""'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this +was a restaurant'"" /></a> +<span class="caption">"'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'"</span> +</div> + +<p>Tim started laughing then, and he hasn't stopped yet. He's so proud he +didn't make the mistake himself.</p> + +<p>The "Spider" didn't open his mouth save for the purpose of eating. He +told me he was afraid his teeth would chatter.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Aug. 20th.</b></i> Got a letter from Polly to-day. She says that her finger +is just itching for the ring. I told the "Spider" about it and he said +that he had several unset stones he'd let me have for next to +nothing. A good burglar is one of the most valuable friends a man can +possess.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Sept. 3d.</b></i> I had such a set-back to-day. Never was I more confounded. +This morning I received a notice to report before the examining board +for a first class rating. Of course I had been expecting some slight +recognition of my real worth for a long time, but when the blow fell I +was hardly prepared for it. Hurrying to "My Blue Jacket's Manual," I +succeeded by the aid of a picture in getting firmly in my mind the +port and starboard side of a ship and then I presented myself before +the examiners—three doughty and unsmiling officers. There were about +twelve of us up for examination. Seating ourselves before the three +gentlemen, we gazed upon them with ill-concealed trepidation. One of +them called the roll in a languid manner, and then without further +preliminaries the battle began, and I received the first shock of the +assault. I don't quite remember the question that man asked me, it was +all too ghastly at the time, but I think it was something like this:</p> + +<p>"What would you do if you were at the wheel in a dense fog and you +heard three whistles on your port beam, four whistles off the +starboard bow, and a prolonged toot dead ahead?"</p> + +<p>"I would still remain in a dense fog," I gasped in a low voice.</p> + +<p>"Speak up!" snapped the officer.</p> + +<p>"Full speed ahead and jumps," whispered a guy next to me. It sounded +reasonable. I seized upon it eagerly.</p> + +<p>"I'd put full steam ahead and jump, sir," I replied.</p> + +<p>"Are you mad?" shouted the amazed officer.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," I hastened to assure him, "only profoundly perplexed. I +think, sir, that I would go into a conference, under the +circumstances."</p> + +<p>The officer seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown.</p> + +<p>"What's your name?" asked another officer suddenly.</p> + +<p>I told him.</p> + +<p>"Initials?"</p> + +<p>I told him. He looked at the paper for a moment.</p> + +<p>"That explains it," he said with a sigh of relief, "you're not the +man. There has been some mistake. Orderly, take this man away and +bring back the right one. Pronto!"</p> + +<p>That Spanish stuff sounds awfully sea-going. I was taken away, but the +officer had not yet recovered. He regarded me with an expression of +profound disgust. Anyway I created a sensation.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 248px;"> +<a name="fig29_t"></a><a href="images/fig29.jpg"><img src="images/fig29_t.jpg" +width="248" height="400" alt=""'I would still remain in a dense fog,' +I gasped in a low voice"" /></a> +<span class="caption">"'I would still remain in a dense fog,' +I gasped in a low voice"</span> +</div> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Sept. 4th.</b></i> Things have been happening with overwhelming rapidity. On +the strength of being properly engaged to Polly, my permanent sweetie, +I went to my Regimental commander this morning and applied for a +furlough. He regarded me pityingly for a moment and then carefully +scanned a list of names on the desk before him.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry," he said finally, "but not only am I not able to grant +your request, but I have the unpleasant duty to inform you that you +are a little less than forty-eight hours from the vicinity of Ambrose +light."</p> + +<p>"Shipped!" I gasped as the world swam around me.</p> + +<p>"Your name is on this list," said the officer not unkindly.</p> + +<p>"Shipped!" I repeated in a dazed voice.</p> + +<p>"It does seem ridiculous, I'll admit," said the officer, smiling, "but +you never can tell what strange things are going to happen in the +Navy. If I were in your place I'd take advantage of this head start I +have given you and get my clothes and sea-bag in some sort of +condition. If I remember rightly, you have never been able +successfully to achieve this since you've been in the service."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," I gasped, and bolted. In my excitement I ran +violently into a flock of ensigns stalking across the parade ground.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to be shipped," I cried by way of explanation to one of +them as he arose wrathfully.</p> + +<p>"You're going to be damned," said he, and I was. Too frantic to write +more.</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Sept. 5th.</b></i> All preparations have been made. Tim, Tony and the Spider +are going too. I have just been listening to the most disturbing +conversation. It all arose from our speculating as to our probable +destination and the nature of our services. The Master-at-arms, who +had been sleeping on the hammock rack as only a Master-at-arms can, +permitted himself to remain awake long enough to join in.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't be at all surprised," said he, "if you were shipped to +one of these new Submarine Provokers."</p> + +<p>"What's that?" I asked uneasily.</p> + +<p>"Why, it's a sort of a dee-coy," said he, stretching his huge hulk, "a +little, unarmed boat that goes messing around in the ocean until it +finds a submarine and then it provokes it."</p> + +<p>"How's that?" asked Tim.</p> + +<p>"Why, you see," continued the jimmy-legs, "it just sort of steams back +and forth in front of the submarine, just steams slowly back and forth +in front of the submarine until it provokes it."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said I, taking a deep breath.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he continues cheerfully, "and the more you provoked the +submarine why the harder it shoots at you, so of course it doesn't +notice the real Submarine Sinker coming up behind it. See the +tactics."</p> + +<p>"Oh," says I, "we just provoke the submarine until it loses its temper +and the other boat sinks it."</p> + +<p>"That's it," says the jimmy-legs, "you just sort of steam back and +forth in front of it slowly."</p> + +<p>"How slowly?" asks the Spider.</p> + +<p>"Very," replied the jimmy-legs.</p> + +<p>"No guns at all?" asks Tim.</p> + +<p>"None," says he.</p> + +<p>"A regular little home," suggests Tony.</p> + +<p>"Sure," says the jimmy-legs, "nothing to do at all but steam slowly +back—"</p> + +<p>"For God's sake don't dwell on that point any more!" I cried. "We +understand it perfectly."</p> + +<p>"A regular lil' home," muttered Tim as he began to stow his bag.</p> + +<p>(Later) I write these lines with horror. Some one has told me that the +Navy needs Powder tasters, something I'd never heard of before, and +that perhaps—that's what we are going to be used for. All you have to +do, this guy says, is to taste the powder to see if it's damp or dry +and if it's damp you take it away and bake it. This sounds worse than +the Submarine Provoker.</p> + +<p>(Still later) Rumor is rife. The latest report is that we are going to +be Mine Openers.</p> + +<p>"What's a Mine Opener?" I asked my informant.</p> + +<p>"Why, it's a guy," says he, "that picks up the mines floating around +his boat, but only the German mines of course, and opens them to see +if they are as dangerous as they look. Some are not half as dangerous +as they look," he continues easily, "some are not quite so dangerous +and of course some are a great deal more so. But they are all +dangerous enough."</p> + +<p>"My dear chap," I replied, turning away miserably, "a pinwheel is +quite dangerous enough for me."</p> +<br /> + +<p><i><b>Sept. 6th.</b></i> This is being written from the gate. My bag and hammock +are beside me. Tim lashed them together for me so they wouldn't come +undone. We are waiting for the truck. Tony in his excitable way wants +to kiss the guard good-by. The guard doesn't want him to. My last +moments at Pelham have been hectic. The doctor said I looked one +hundred per cent better than when I came in, but that wasn't enough. +If you didn't look at me very closely you wouldn't know that I was +such an awful dub. This is progress at any rate. The telephone wires +between mother's house and the camp were dripping wet with tears when +I phoned her that I was being shipped. However, she braced up and said +she was proud of me and said she hoped I'd tell the captain good-by +and thank him for all he has done. I assured her I would do this, or +at least leave a note. Polly was a trump. The Spider talked to her and +said that he was going to save the best uncut stone for her that he +had ever bitten out of a ring. The Spider has been very valuable to us +all. He seems to have the uncanny faculty of being able to take the +cloth straps off other people's clothes right before their eyes. +Consequently we are well supplied. At present he's looking at the +handle of the gate in a musing way. I think he would like to have it +as a souvenir. Here comes the truck. Pelham is about to lose its most +useless recruit. I must tuck these priceless pages in my money belt. +Wish I had a picture of Polly. Well, here's to the High Adventure, but +there's something about that Submarine Provoker I can't quite get used +to. It seems just a trifle one sided. However, that is in the lap of +the gods. Instead of a camp I will soon have the vast expanses of the +ocean in which to demonstrate my tremendous inability to emulate the +example of one John Paul Jones.</p> + +<p>"Bear a hand there, buddy," the P.O. has just cried at me.</p> + +<p>"Buddy" I came in and "buddy" I go out. We're off! I can dimly +distinguish Mr. Fogerty, that unscrupulous dog that abandoned my bed +and board for a couple of influential yeomen. Farewell, Fogerty, may +your evil ways never bring you to grief. I do wish I had a picture of +my Sweetie.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 244px;"> +<a name="fig30_t"></a><a href="images/fig30.jpg"><img src="images/fig30_t.jpg" +alt=""'Buddy' I Came In And 'Buddy' I Go Out"" /></a> +<span class="caption">"'Buddy' I Came In And 'Buddy' I Go Out"</span> +</div><br /><br /> + +<h3>The End</h3> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 398px;"> +<a href="images/backcover_700.jpg"><img src="images/backcover_400.jpg" +width="398" height="400" alt="Biltmore Oswald And Fogarty" /></a> +<span class="caption">Biltmore Oswald And Fogarty</span><a name="backcover"></a><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Biltmore Oswald, by J. 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b/16634-h/images/front_t.jpg diff --git a/16634.txt b/16634.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b12d140 --- /dev/null +++ b/16634.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4376 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Biltmore Oswald, by J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Biltmore Oswald + The Diary of a Hapless Recruit + +Author: J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + +Release Date: September 3, 2005 [EBook #16634] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILTMORE OSWALD *** + + + + +Produced by Geetu Melwani and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. Produced from +page images provided by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries + + + + + + + + + + +BILTMORE OSWALD + +_THE DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT_ + +BY + +J. THORNE SMITH, JR. +U.S.N.R.F. + + +_WITH 31 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE_ + +BY + +RICHARD DORGAN +("_Dick Dorgan_") +U.S.N.R.F. + + + +[Illustration] + +NEW YORK + +FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY + +PUBLISHERS + +_Copyright, 1918, by_ + +_Frederick A. Stokes Company_ +_All Rights Reserved_ + + +_Reprinted from_ +THE BROADSIDE +A JOURNAL FOR +THE NAVAL RESERVE FORCE + + +DEDICATION + +To my buddies, an unscrupulous, clamorous crew of pirates, as loyal +and generous a lot as ever returned a borrowed dress jumper with dirty +tapes; to numerous jimmy-legs and P.O.'s whose cantankerous tempers +have furnished me with much material for this book; and also to a dog, +an admirable dog whom I choose to call Mr. Fogerty, with apologies to +this dog if in these pages his slave has unwittingly maligned his +character or in any way cast suspicion upon his moral integrity. + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + "Biltmore Oswald" _Frontispiece_ + + "'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' I + replied, 'it will all be foreign to me'" 2 + + "The departure was moist" 3 + + "Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham 'hop'" 4 + + "I feel like a masquerade" 5 + + "This, I thought, was adding insult to injury" 6 + + "Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear" 7 + + "A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past luncheons" 8 + + "He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the same" 9 + + "Fire drill" 10 + + "This is designed to give us physical poise" 11 + + "Liberty Party" 14 + + "Of course I played the game no more" 20 + + "She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A." 21 + + "I wasn't so very wrong--just the slight difference between port + and present arms" 24 + + "The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink" + 25 + + "I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter" + 28 + + "One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my + body" 29 + + "The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed" 32 + + "This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business" 44 + + "I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger" 45 + + "I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep + clean" 48 + + "I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and + several of the better sort of goats" 49 + + "I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort" 52 + + "I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men" 53 + + "Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust" 58 + + "For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed" + 59 + + "I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the + southern section of the State of Montana" 76 + + "'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'" 77 + + "'I would still remain in a dense fog,' I gasped in a low voice" 82 + + "'Buddy' I came in and 'Buddy' I go out" 83 + + + +BILTMORE OSWALD + +_The Diary of A Hapless Recruit_ + + +_Feb. 23d._ "And what," asked the enlisting officer, regarding me as +if I had insulted him, his family and his live stock, "leads you to +believe that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?" + +At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patriotic +preoccupation I had forgotten to leave home. + +"Nothing," I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numerous +useless accomplishments, "nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing to +speak of. Of course I've passed a couple of seasons at Bar +Harbor--perhaps that--" + +"Bar Harbor!" exploded the officer. "Bar! bah! bah--dammit," he broke +off, "I'm bleating." + +"Yes, sir," said I with becoming humility. His hostility increased. + +"Do you enlist for foreign service?" he snapped. + +"Sure," I replied. "It will all be foreign to me." + +The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until a +thirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer's +desk. Upon the multitude he glared bitterly. + +"Orderly! why can't you keep this line in some sort of shape?" + +"Yes, give the old tosh some air," breathed a worthy in my ear as he +retreated to his proper place. + +"What did you do at Bar Harbor?" asked the officer, fixing me with his +gaze. + +"Oh," I replied easily, "I occasionally yachted." + +"On what kind of a boat?" he urged. + +"Now for the life of me, sir, I can't quite recall," I replied. "It +was a splendid boat though, a perfect beauty, handsomely fitted up and +all--I think they called her the 'Black Wing.'" + +These few little remarks seemed to leave the officer flat. He regarded +me with a pitiful expression. There was pain in his eyes. + +"You mean to say," he whispered, "that you don't know what kind of a +boat it was?" + +"Unfortunately no, sir," I replied, feeling really sorry for the +wounded man. + +"Do you recall what was the nature of your activities aboard this +mysterious craft?" he continued. + +"Oh, indeed I do, sir," I replied. "I tended the jib-sheet." + +"Ah," said he thoughtfully, "sort of specialized on the jib-sheet?" + +"That's it, sir," said I, feeling things taking a turn for the better. +"I specialized on the jib-sheet." + +"What did you do to this jib-sheet?" he continued. + +"I clewed it," said I promptly, dimly recalling the impassioned +instructions an enthusiastic friend of mine had shunted at me +throughout the course of one long, hot, horrible, confused afternoon +of the past summer--my first, and, as I had hoped at the time, final +sailing experience. + +The officer seemed to be lost in reflection. He was probably weighing +my last answer. Then with a heavy sigh he took my paper and wrote +something mysterious upon it. + +"I'm going to make an experiment of you," he said, holding the paper +to me. "You are going to be a sort of a test case. You're the worst +applicant I have ever had. If the Navy can make a sailor out of you it +can make a sailor out of anybody"; he paused for a moment, then added +emphatically, "without exception." + +"Thank you, sir," I replied humbly. + +"Report here Monday for physical examination," he continued, waving my +thanks aside. "And now go away." + +[Illustration: "'DO YOU ENLIST FOR FOREIGN SERVICE?' HE SNAPPED. +'SURE,' I REPLIED, 'IT WILL ALL BE FOREIGN TO ME'"] + +I accordingly went, but as I did so I fancied I caught the reflection +of a smile lurking guiltily under his mustache. It was the sort of a +smile, I imagined at the time, that might flicker across the grim +visage of a lion in the act of anticipating an approaching trip to a +prosperous native village. + + +_Feb. 25th._ I never fully appreciated what a truly democratic nation +the United States was until I beheld it naked, that is, until I beheld +a number of her sons in that condition. Nakedness is the most +democratic of all institutions. Knock-knees, warts and chilblains, +bowlegs, boils and bay-windows are respecters of no caste or creed, +but visit us all alike. These profound reflections came to me as I +stood with a large gathering of my fellow creatures in the offices of +the physical examiner. + +"Never have I seen a more unpromising candidate in all my past +experience," said the doctor moodily when I presented myself before +him, and thereupon he proceeded to punch me in the ribs with a vigor +that seemed to be more personal than professional. When thoroughly +exhausted from this he gave up and led me to the eye charts, which I +read with infinite ease through long practise in following the World +Series in front of newspaper buildings. + +"Eyes all right," he said in a disappointed voice. "It must be your +feet." + +These proved to be faultless, as were my ears and teeth. + +"You baffle me," said the doctor at last, thoroughly discouraged. +"Apparently you are sound all over, yet, looking at you, I fail to see +how it is possible." + +I wondered vaguely if he was paid by the rejection. Then for no +particular reason he suddenly tired of me and left me with all my +golden youth and glory standing unnoticed in a corner. From here I +observed an applicant being put through his ear test. This game is +played as follows: a hospital apprentice thrusts one finger into the +victim's ear while the doctor hurries down to the end of the room and +whispers tragically words that the applicant must repeat. It's a good +game, but this fellow I was watching evidently didn't know the rules +and he was taking no chances. + +"Now repeat what I say," said the doctor. + +"'Now repeat what I say,'" quoted the recruit. + +"No, no, not now," cried the doctor. "Wait till I whisper." + +"'No, no, not now. Wait till I whisper,'" answered the recruit, +faithfully accurate. + +"Wait till I whisper, you blockhead," shouted the doctor. + +"'Wait till I whisper, you blockhead,'" shouted the recruit with equal +heat. + +"Oh, God!" cried the doctor despairingly. + +"'Oh, God!'" repeated the recruit in a mournful voice. + +This little drama of cross purposes might have continued indefinitely +had not the hospital apprentice begun to punch the guy in the ribs, +shouting as he did so: + +"Wait a minute, can't you?" + +At which the recruit, a great hulk of a fellow, delivered the hospital +apprentice a resounding blow in the stomach and turned indignantly to +the doctor. + +"That man's interfering," he said in an injured voice. "Now that ain't +fair, is it, doc?" + +"You pass," said the doctor briefly, producing his handkerchief and +mopping his brow. + +"Well, what are you standing around for?" he said a moment later, +spying me in my corner. + +"Oh, doctor," I cried, delighted, "I thought you had forgotten me." + +"No," said the doctor, "I'll never forget you. You pass. Take your +papers and clear out." + +I can now feel with a certain degree of security that I am in the +Navy. + + +_Feb. 26th._ I broke the news to mother to-day and she took it like a +little gentleman, only crying on twelve different occasions. I had +estimated it much higher than that. + +After dinner she read me a list of the things I was to take with me to +camp, among which were several sorts of life preservers, an electric +bed warmer and a pair of dancing pumps. + +"Why not include spurs?" I asked, referring to the pumps. "I'd look +very crisp in spurs, and they would help me in climbing the rigging." + +"But some officer might ask you to a dance," protested mother. + +"Mother," I replied firmly, "I have decided to decline all social +engagements during my first few weeks in camp. You can send the pumps +when I write for them." + +A card came to-day ordering me to report on March 1st. Consequently I +am not quite myself. + + +_Feb. 27th._ Mother hurried into my room this morning and started to +pack my trunk. She had gotten five sweaters, three helmets and two +dozen pairs of socks into it before I could stop her. When I explained +to her that I wasn't going to take a trunk she almost broke down. + +"But at least," she said, brightening up, "I can go along with you and +see that you are nice and comfortable in your room." + +"You seem to think that I am going to some swell boarding school, +mother," I replied from the bed. "You see, we don't have rooms to +ourselves. I understand that we sleep in bays." + +"Don't jest," cried mother. "It's too horrible!" + +Then I explained to her that a bay was a compartment of a barracks in +which eight human beings and one petty officer, not quite so human, +were supposed to dwell in intimacy and, as far as possible, concord. + +This distressed poor mother dreadfully. "But what are you going to +take?" she cried. + +"I'm going to take a nap," said I, turning over on my pillow. "It will +be the last one in a bed for a long, long time." + +At this mother stuffed a pair of socks in her mouth and left the room +hastily. + +Polly came in to-night and I kissed her on and off throughout the +evening on the strength of my departure. This infuriated father, but +mother thought it was very pretty. However, before going to bed he +gave me a handsome wrist watch, and grandfather, pointing to his game +leg, said: + +"Remember the Mexican War, my boy. I fought and bled honorably in that +war, by gad, sir!" + +I know for a fact that the dear old gentleman has never been further +west than the Mississippi River. + + +_Feb. 28th (on the train)._ I have just gone through my suit-case and +taken out some of mother's last little gifts such as toilet water, a +padded coat hanger, one hot water bottle, some cough syrup, two pairs +of ear-bobs, a paper vest and a blue pokerdotted silk muffler. She put +them in when I wasn't looking. I have hidden them under the seat. May +the Lord forgive me for a faithless son. + +The departure was moist, but I managed to swim through. I am too +excited to read the paper and too rattle-brained to think except in +terrified snatches. I wonder if I look different. People seem to be +regarding me sympathetically. I recognize two faces on this train. One +belongs to Tony, the iceman on our block; the other belongs to one +named Tim, a barkeep, if I recall rightly, in a hotel I have +frequently graced with my presence. I hope their past friendship was +not due to professional reasons. It would be nice to talk over old +times with them in camp, for I have frequently met the one in the +morning after coming home from the other. + +[Illustration: "THE DEPARTURE WAS MOIST"] + + +_March 1st._ Subjected myself to the intimate scrutiny of another +doctor this morning. I used my very best Turkish bath manners. They +failed to impress him. Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of +Pelham "hop." It is taken in the customary manner, through the +arm--very stimulating. A large sailor held me by the hand for fully +fifteen minutes. Very embarrassing! He made pictures of my fingers and +completely demolished my manicure. From there I passed on to another +room. Here a number of men threw clothes at me from all directions. +The man with the shoes was a splendid shot. I am now a sailor--at +least, superficially. My trousers were built for Charlie Chaplin. I +feel like a masquerade. + +[Illustration: "HOSPITAL APPRENTICE TREATED ME TO A SHOT OF PELHAM +'HOP'"] + +[Illustration: "I FEEL LIKE A MASQUERADE"] + +A gang of recruits shouted "twenty-one days" at me as I was being led +to Mess Hall No. 1. The poor simps had just come in the day before and +had not even washed their leggings yet. I shall shout at other +recruits to-morrow, though, the same thing that they shouted at me +to-day. + +Our P.O. is a very terrifying character. He is a stern but just man, I +take it. + +He can tie knots and box the compass and say "pipe down" and +everything. Gee, it must be nice to be a real sailor! + + +[Illustration: "THIS, I THOUGHT, WAS ADDING INSULT TO INJURY"] + + +_March 2d._ Fell out of my hammock last night and momentarily +interrupted the snoring contest holding sway. I was told to "pipe +down" in Irish, Yiddish, Third Avenue and Bronx. This, I thought, was +adding insult to injury, but could not make any one take the same view +of it. I hope the thing does not become a habit with me. I form habits +so readily. In connection with snoring I have written the following +song which I am going to send home to Polly. I wrote it in the +Y.M.C.A. Hut this afternoon while crouching between the feet of two +embattled checker players. I'm going to call it "The Rhyme of the +Snoring Sailor." It goes like this: + + I + + The mother thinks of her sailor son + As clutched in the arms of war, + But mother should listen, as I have done, + To this same little, innocent sailor son + Sprawl in his hammock and snore. + + Oh, the sailor man is a rugged man, + The master of wind and wave, + And poets sing till the tea-rooms ring + Of his picturesque, deep sea grave, + And they likewise write of the "Storm at Night" + When the numerous north winds roar, + But more profound is the dismal sound + Of a sea-going sailor's snore. + + + II + + Oh, mothers knit for their sailor sons + Socks for their nautical toes, + But mothers should list to the frightful noise + Made by their innocent sailor boys + By the wind they blow through their nose. + + Oh, life at sea is wild and free + And greatly to be admired, + But I would sleep both sound and deep + At night when I'm feeling tired. + + So here we go with a yo! ho! ho! + While the waves and the tempests soar, + An artist can paint a shrew as a saint, + But not camouflage on a snore. + + + III + + Oh, mothers, write to your sons at sea; + Write to them, I implore, + A letter as earnest as it can be, + Containing a delicate, motherly plea, + A plea for them not to snore. + + Oh, I take much pride in my trousers wide, + The ladies all think them sweet, + And I must admit that I love to sit + In a chair and relieve my feet. + Avast! Belay! and we're bound away + With our hearts lashed fast to the fore, + But when mermaids sleep + In their bowers deep, + Do you think that the sweet things snore? + +Our company commander spoke to us this morning in no uncertain terms. +He seems to be such a serious man. There is a peculiar quality in his +voice, not unlike the tone of a French 75 mm. gun. You can easily hear +everything he says--miles away. We rested this afternoon. + + +_March 3d._ Sunday--a day of rest, for which I gave, in the words of +our indefatigable Chaplain, "three good, rollicking cheers." Some +folks are coming up to see me this afternoon. I hear I must moo +through the fence at them like a cow. (Later.) The folks have just +left. Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear. She +seemed to have it on her brain. There were several young girls +standing right next to her. I really felt I was no longer a bachelor. +Why do mothers lay such tremendous stress on underwear? They seem to +believe that a son's sole duty to his parents consists in publicly +announcing that he is clad in winter flannels. + +[Illustration: "MOTHER KEPT SCREAMING THROUGH THE WIRE ABOUT MY +UNDERWEAR"] + +Polly drove up for a moment with Joe Henderson. I hope the draft +gets hold of that bird. They were going to have tea at the Biltmore +when they got back to the city. I almost bit the end off of a sentry's +bayonet when I heard this woeful piece of news. Liberty looks a long +way off. + +I made an attempt to write some letters in the Y.M.C.A. this evening +but gave up before the combined assault of a phonograph, a piano, and +a flanking detachment of checker players. Several benches fell on me +and I went to the mat feeling very sorry for myself. + + +_March 4th._ The morning broke badly. I lashed my hand to my hammock +and was forced to call on the P.O. to extricate me. He remarked, with +ill-disguised bitterness, that I could think of more ineffectual +things to do than any rookie it had been his misfortune to meet. I +told him that I didn't have to think of them, they just came +naturally. + +Last night I was nearly frightened out of my hammock by awakening and +gazing into the malevolent eye of my high-powered, twin-six wrist +watch. I thought for a moment that the Woolworth tower had crawled +into bed with me. It gave me such a start. I must get used to my wrist +watch--also wearing a handkerchief up my sleeve. I feel like the sweet +kid himself now. + +Drill all day. My belt fell off and tripped me up. Why do such things +always happen to me? Somebody told us to do squads left and it looked +as if we were playing Ring Around Rosie. Then we performed a fiendish +and complicated little quadrille called a "company square." I found +myself, much to my horror, on the inside of the contraption walking +directly behind the company commander. It was a very delicate +situation for a while. I walked on my tip-toes so that he wouldn't +hear me. Had he looked around I know I'd have dropped my gun and lit +out for home and mother. + +Forgot to take my hat off in the mess room. I was reminded, though, by +several hundred thoughtful people. + + +_March 5th._ Stood for half an hour in the mail line. Got one letter. +A bill from a restaurant for eighteen dollars' worth of past +luncheons. I haven't the heart to write more. + +[Illustration: "A BILL FROM A RESTAURANT FOR $18.00 WORTH OF PAST +LUNCHEONS"] + + +_March 6th._ Bag inspection. I almost put my eye out at right hand +salute. However, my bag looked very cute indeed, and although he +didn't say anything, I feel sure the inspecting officer thought mine +was the best. I had a beautiful embroidered handkerchief holder, +prominently displayed, which I am sure must have knocked him cold. He +missed the dirty white, but I will never be the same. + +[Illustration: "HE MISSED THE DIRTY WHITES, BUT I WILL NEVER BE THE +SAME"] + +Fire drill! My hammock came unlashed right in front of a C.P.O. and he +asked me if I was going to sleep in it on the spot. It was a very +inspiring scene. Particularly thrilling was the picture I caught of a +very heavy sailor picking on a poor innocent looking little fire +extinguisher. He ran the thing right over my foot. I apologized, as +usual. I discovered that I have been putting half instead of marlin +hitches in my hammock, but not before the inspecting officer did. He +seemed very upset about it. When he asked me why I only put six +hitches in my hammock instead of seven, I replied that my rope was +short. His reply still burns in my memory. What eloquence! What +earnestness! What a day! + +[Illustration: "FIRE DRILL"] + + +_March 7th._ Second jab to-morrow. I am too nervous to write to-day. +More anon. + + +_March 16th._ Life in the Navy is just one round of engagements to +keep. Simply splendid! All we have to do is to get up at 6 o'clock in +the morning when it is nice and dark and play around with the cutest +little hammock imaginable. When you have arrived at the most +interesting part of this game, the four hitch period, and you are +wondering whether you are going to beat your previous record and get +six instead of five, the bugle blows and immediately throws you into a +state of great indecision. The problem is whether to finish the +hammock and be reported late for muster or to attend muster and be +reported for not having finished your hammock. The time spent in +considering this problem usually results in your trying to do both and +in failing to accomplish either, getting reported on two counts. Any +enlisted man is entitled to play this game and he is sure of making a +score. After running around innumerable miles of early morning camp +scenery and losing several buttons from your new trousers, you come +back and do Greek dances for a man who aspires to become a second +Mordkin or a Mr. Isadora Duncan. This is all very sweet and I am sure +the boys play prettily together. First he dances, then we dance; then +he interprets a bird and we all flutter back at him. This being done +to his apparent satisfaction, we proceed to crawl and grind and weave +and wave in a most extraordinary manner. This is designed to give us +physical poise to enable us to go aloft in a graceful and pleasing +manner. After this dancing in the dew you return for a few more rounds +with your hammock, clean up your bay and stand in line for breakfast. +After breakfast we muster again and a gentleman talks to us in a voice +that would lead you to believe that he thought we were all in hiding +somewhere in New Rochelle. Then there are any number of things to do +to divert our minds--scrub hammocks, pick up cigarettes, drill, hike +and attend lectures. As a rule we do all of these things. From 5 p.m. +until 8:45 p.m. if we are unfortunate enough not to have a lecture +party we are free to give ourselves over to the riotous joy of the +moment, which consists of listening to a phonograph swear bitterly at +a piano long past its prime. The final act of the drama of the day is +performed on the hammock--an animated little sketch of arms and legs +conducted along the lines of Houdini getting into a strait-jacket, or +does he get out of them? I don't know, perhaps both. Anyway, you get +what I mean. + +[Illustration: "THIS IS DESIGNED TO GIVE US PHYSICAL POISE"] + + +_March 17th._ This spring weather is bringing the birds out in great +quantities. They bloomed along the fence today like a Ziegfeld chorus +on an outing. One girl carried on a coherent conversation with six +different fellows at once and left each of them feeling that he alone +had been singled out for her particular favor. As a matter of fact I +was flirting with her all the time and I could tell by the very way +she looked that she would have much rather been talking to me. Last +week I had to convince mother that I was wearing my flannels; this +week I had to convince her I still had them on. The only way to +satisfy her, I suppose, is to appear before her publicly in them. +Poor, dear mother, she told me she had written the doctor up here +asking him not to squirt my arm full of those horrid little germs any +more. She said I came from a good, clean family, and had been bathed +once a week all my life, except the time when I had the measles and +then it wasn't advisable. I am sure this must have cheered the doctor +up tremendously. She also asked him to be sure to see that I got my +meals regularly. I can see him now taking me by the hand and leading +me to the mess-hall. When I suggested to mother that she write +President Wilson asking him to be sure to see that my blankets didn't +fall off at night, she said that I was a sarcastic, ungrateful boy. + + +_March 18th._ There is something decidedly wrong with me as a sailor. +I got my pictures to-day. Try as I may, I am unable to locate the +trouble. There seems to be some item left out. Not enough salt in the +mixture, perhaps. I don't know exactly what it is but I seem to be a +little too, may I say, handsome or, perhaps, polished would be the +better word. I'm afraid to send the pictures away because no one will +believe them. They will think I borrowed the clothes. + + +_March 19th._ A funny thing happened last Sunday that I forgot to +record. A girl had her foot on the fence and when she took it down +every one yelled, "As you were." Sailors have such a delicate sense of +humor. Well, that's about enough for to-day. + + +_March 20th._ We had a lecture on boats to-day. The only thing I don't +know now is how to tell a bilge from a painter. The oar was easy. It +is divided into three parts, the stem, the lead and the muzzle. I must +remember this, it is very important. The men are getting so used to +inoculations around here that they complain when they don't get +enough. We're shaping up into a fine body of men, our company +commander told us this morning, and added, that if we continue to pick +up cigarette butts several more weeks we'll be able to stack arms +without dropping our guns. Eli, the goat, seems unwell to-day. I +attribute his unfortunate condition to his constant and unrelenting +efforts to keep the canteen clear of paper. It is my belief that +goats are not healthy because of the fact that they eat paper, but in +spite of it, and I feel sure that if all goats got together and +decided to cut out paper for a while and live on a regular diet, they +would be a much more robust race. The movies were great to-night. I +saw Sidney Drew's left ear and a mole on the neck of the man in front +of me. + + +_March 21st._ A fellow in our bay asked last night how much an +admiral's pay was a month and when we told him he yawned, turned over +on his side and said, "Not enough." He added that he could pick up +that much at a first-class parade any time. We all tightened our wrist +watches. Been blinking at the blinker all evening. Can't make much +sense out of it. The bloomin' thing is always two blinks ahead of me. +It's all very nice, I dare say, but I'd much rather get my messages on +scented paper. I got one to-day. She called me her "Great, big, cute +little sailor boy." Those were her exact words. How clever she is. I'm +going to marry her just as soon as I'm a junior lieutenant. She'll +wait a year, anyway. + + +_March 22d._ I made up verses to myself in my hammock last night. +Perhaps I'll send some of them to the camp paper. It would be nice to +see your stuff in print. Here's one of the poems: + + + _THE UNREGENERATE SAILOR MAN_ + + I + + I take my booze + In my overshoes; + I'm fond of the taste of rubber; + I oil my hair + With the grease of bear + Or else with a bull whale's blubber. + + + II + + My dusky wife + Was a source of strife, + So I left her in Singapore + And sailed away + At the break of day-- + Since then I have widowed four. + + + III + + Avast! Belay, + And alack-a-day + That I gazed in the eyes of beauty. + For in devious ways + Their innocent gaze + Has caused me much extra duty. + + + IV + + I never get past + The jolly old mast, + The skipper and I are quite chummy; + He knows me by sight + When I'm sober or tight + And calls me a "wicked old rummy." + + +A sort of sweetheart-in-every-port type I intend to make him--a +seafaring man of the old school such as I suppose some of the +six-stripers around here were. I don't imagine it was very difficult +to get a good conduct record in the old days, because from all the +tales I've heard from this source and that, a sailor-man who did not +too openly boast of being a bigamist and who limited his homicidical +inclinations to half a dozen foreigners when on shore leave, was +considered a highly respectable character. Perhaps this is not at all +true and I for one can hardly believe it when I look at the virtuous +and impeccable exteriors of the few remaining representatives with +whom I have come in contact. However, any one has my permission to ask +them if it is true or not, should they care to find out for +themselves. I refuse to be held responsible though. I think I shall +send this poem to the paper soon. + +It must be wonderful to get your poems in print. All my friends would +be so proud to know me. I wonder if the editors are well disposed, +God-fearing men. + +[Illustration: "LIBERTY PARTY"] + +From all I hear they must be a hard lot. Probably they'll be nice to +me because of my connections. I know so many bartenders. Next week I +rate liberty! Ah, little book, I wonder what these pages will contain +when I come back. I hate to think. New York, you know, is such an +interesting place. + + +_March 25th._ Man! Man! How I suffer! I'm so weary I could sleep on my +company commander's breast, and to bring oneself to that one must be +considerably fatigued, so to speak. Who invented liberty, anyway? It's +a greatly over-rated pastime as far as I can make out, consisting of +coming and going with the middle part omitted. + +One man whispered to me at muster this morning that all he could +remember of his liberty was checking out and checking in. He looked +unwell. My old pal, "Spike" Kelly, I hear was also out of luck. His +girl was the skipper of a Fourteenth Street crosstown car, so he was +forced to spend most of his time riding, between the two rivers. He +nickeled himself to death in doing it. He said if Mr. Shonts plays +golf, as no doubt he does, he has "Spike" Kelly to thank for a nice, +new box of golf balls. And while on the subject, "Spike" observes that +one of those engaging car signs should read: + +"Is it Gallantry, or the Advent of Woman Suffrage, or the Presence of +the Conductorette that Causes So Many Sailors to Wear Out Their Seats +Riding Back and Forth, and So Many Unnecessary Fares to Be Rung Up in +So Doing?" + +His conversation with "Mame," his light-o'-love, was conducted along +this line: + +"Say, Mame." + +"Yes, George, dear (fare, please, madam). What does tweetums want?" + +"You look swell in your new uniform." + +"Oh, Georgie, do you think it fits? (Yes, madam, positively, the car +was brushed this morning, your baby will be perfectly safe inside.)" + +"Mame." + +"George! (Step forward, please.) Go on, dear." + +"Mame, it's doggon hard to talk to you here." "Isn't it just! (What +is it lady? Cabbage? Oh, baggage! No, no, you can't check baggage +here; this isn't a regular train.) George, stop holding my hand! I +can't make change!" + +"Aw, Mame, who do you love?" + +"Why, tweetums, I love--(plenty of room up forward! Don't jam up the +door) you, of course. (Fare, please! Fare, please! Have your change +ready!)" + +"Can't we get a moment alone, Mame?" + +"Yes, dear; wait until twelve-thirty, and we'll drive to the car barn +then. (Transfers! Transfers!)" + +"Spike" says that his liberty was his first actual touch with the +horrors of war. + +Another bird that lived in some remote corner of New York State told +me in pitiful tones that all he had time to do was to walk down the +street of his home town, shake hands with the Postmaster, lean over +the fence and kiss his girl (it had to go two ways, Hello and +Good-by), take a package of clean underwear from his mother as he +passed by and catch the outbound train on the dead run. All he could +do was to wave to the seven other inhabitants. He thought the Grand +Central Terminal was a swell dump, though. He said: "There was quite a +lot of it," which is true. + +As for myself, I think it best to pass lightly over most of the +incidents of my own personal liberty. The best part of a diary is that +one can show up one's friends to the exclusion of oneself. Anyway, why +put down the happenings of the past forty-three hours? They are +indelibly stamped on my memory. One sight I vividly recall, "Ardy" +Muggins, the multi-son of Muggins who makes the automatic clothes +wranglers. He was sitting in a full-blooded roadster in front of the +Biltmore, and the dear boy was dressed this wise ("Ardy" is a sailor, +too, I forgot to mention): There was a white hat on his head; covering +and completely obliterating his liberty blues was a huge bearskin +coat, which when pulled up disclosed his leggins neatly strapped over +patent leather dancing pumps. It was an astounding sight. One that +filled me with profound emotion. + +"Aren't you a trifle out of uniform, Ardy?" I asked him. One has to be +so delicate with Ardy, he's that sensitive. "Why, I thought I might +as well embellish myself a bit," says Ardy. + +"You've done all of that," says I, "but for heaven's sake, dear, do +keep away from Fourteenth Street; there are numerous sea-going sailors +down there who might embellish you still further." + +"My God!" cries Ardy, striving to crush the wind out of the horn, "I +never slum." + +"Don't," says I, passing inside to shake hands with several of my +friends behind the mahogany. Shake hands, alas, was all I did. + + +_March 26th._ I must speak about the examinations before I forget it. +What a clubby time we had of it. I got in a trifle wrong at the start +on account of my sociable nature. You know, I thought it was a sort of +a farewell reception given by the officers and the C.P.O.'s to the men +departing after their twenty-one days in Probation, so the first thing +I did when I went in was to shake hands with an Ensign, who I thought +was receiving. He got rid of my hand with the same briskness that one +removes a live coal from one's person. The whole proceeding struck me +as being a sort of charity bazaar. People were wandering around from +booth to booth, in a pleasant sociable manner, passing a word here and +sitting down there in the easiest-going way imaginable. Leaving the +Ensign rather abruptly, I attached myself to the throng and started in +search of ice cream and cake. This brought me up at a table where +there was a very pleasant looking C.P.O. holding sway, and with him I +thought I would hold a few words. What was my horror on hearing him +snap out in a very crusty manner: + +"How often do you change your socks?" + +This is a question I allow no man to ask me. It is particularly +objectionable. "Why, sir," I replied, "don't you think you are +slightly overstepping the bounds of good taste? One does not even jest +about such totally personal matters, ye know." Then rising, I was +about to walk away without even waiting for his reply, but he called +me back and handed me my paper, on which he had written "Impossible" +and underlined it. + +The next booth I visited seemed to be a little more hospitable, so I +sat down with the rest of the fellows and prepared to talk of the +events of the past twenty-one days. + +"How many Articles are there?" suddenly asked a C.P.O. who hitherto +had escaped my attention. + +"Twelve," I replied promptly, thinking I might just as well play the +game, too. + +"What are they based on?" he almost hissed, but not quite. + +"The Constitution of these United States," I cried in a loud, +public-spirited voice, at which the C.P.O. choked and turned +dangerously red. It seems that not only was I not quite right, but +that I couldn't have been more wrong. + +"Go," he gasped, "before I do you some injury." A very peculiar man, I +thought, but, nevertheless, his heart seemed so set on my going that I +thought it would be best for us to part. + +"I am sure I do not wish to force myself upon you," I said icily as I +left. The poor man appeared to be on the verge of having a fit. + +"Do you want to tie some knots?" asked a kind-voiced P.O. at the next +booth. + +"Crazy about it," says I, easy like. + +"Then tie some," says he. So I tied a very pretty little knot I had +learned at the kindergarten some years ago and showed it to him. + +"What's that?" says he. + +"That," replies I coyly. "Why, that is simply a True Lover's knot. Do +you like it?" + +"Orderly," he screamed. "Orderly, remove this." And hands were laid +upon me and I was hurled into the arms of a small, but ever so +sea-going appearing chap, who was engaged in balancing his hat on the +bridge of his nose and wig-wagging at the same time. After beating me +over the head several times with the flags, he said I could play with +him, and he began to send me messages with lightning-like rapidity. +"What is it?" he asked. + +"Really," I replied, "I lost interest in your message before you +finished." + +After this my paper looked like a million dollars with the one knocked +off. + +"What's a hackamatack?" asked the next guy. Thinking he was either +kidding me or given to using baby talk, I replied: + +"Why, it's a mixture between a thingamabob and a nibleck." + +His treatment of me after this answer so unnerved me that I dropped my +gun at the next booth and became completely demoralized. The greatest +disappointment awaited me at "Monkey Drill," or setting up exercises, +however. I thought I was going to kill this. I felt sure I was going +to outstrip all competitors. But in the middle of it all the examiner +yelled out in one of those sarcastic voices that all rookies learn to +fear: "Are you trying to flirt with me or do you think you're a +bloomin' angel?" + +This so sickened me at heart that I left the place without further +ado, whatever that might be. Pink teas in the Navy are not unmixed +virtues. + + +_March 27th._ My birthday, and, oh, how I do miss my cake. It's the +first birthday I ever had without a cake except two and then I had a +bottle. Oh, how well I remember my last party (birthday party)! + +There was father and the cake all lit up in the center of the table; I +mean the cake, not father, of course. And there was Gladys (I always +called her "Glad"). She'd been coming to my birthday parties for years +and years. She always came first and left last and ate the most and +got the sickest of all the girls I knew. It was appalling how that +girl could eat. + +But, as I was saying, there was father and the cake, and there was +mother and "Glad" and all the little candles were twinkling, lighting +up my presents clustered around, among them being half a dozen maroon +silk socks, a box of striped neck ties, all perfect joys; spats, a +lounging gown, ever so many gloves and the snappiest little cane in +all the world. And what have I around me now? A swab on one side, a +bucket on the other, a broom draped over my shoulder, C.P.O.'s in +front of me, P.O.'s behind me and work all around me--oh, what a +helluvabirthday! I told my company commander last night that the next +day was going to be my birthday, hoping he would do the handsome thing +and let me sleep a little later in the morning, but did he? No, the +Brute, he said I should get up earlier so as to enjoy it longer. As +far as I can find out, the Camp remains totally unmoved by the fact +that I am one year older to-day--and what a hubbub they used to raise +at home. I think the very least they could do up here would be to ask +me to eat with the officers. + + +_March 28th._ These new barracks over in the main camp are too large; +not nearly so nice as our cosey little bays. I'm really homesick for +Probation and the sound of our old company commander's dulcet voice. I +met Eli on the street to-day and I almost broke down on his neck and +cried. He was the first familiar thing I had seen since I came over to +the main camp. + + +_March 29th._ This place is just like the Probation Camp, only more +so. Life is one continual lecture trimmed with drills and hikes--oh, +when will I ever be an Ensign, with a cute little Submarine Chaser all +my own? + + +_April 6th._ The events of the past few days have so unnerved me that +I have fallen behind in my diary. I must try to catch up, for what +would posterity do should the record of my inspiring career in the +service not be faithfully recorded for them to read with reverence and +amazement in days to come? + +One of the unfortunate events arose from scraping a too intimate +acquaintance with that horrid old push ball. How did it ever get into +camp anyway, and who ever heard of a ball being so large? It doesn't +seem somehow right to me--out of taste, if you get what I mean. There +is a certain lack of restraint and conservatism about it which all +games played among gentlemen most positively should possess. But the +chap who pushed that great big beast of a push ball violently upon my +unsuspecting nose was certainly no gentleman. Golly, what a resounding +whack! This fellow (I suspect him of being a German spy, basing my +suspicions upon his seeming disposition for atrocities) was standing +by, looking morosely at this small size planet when I blows gently up +and says playfully in my most engaging voice: + +"I say, old dear, you push it to me and I'll push it to +you--softly, though, chappy, softly." And with that he flung +himself upon the ball and hurled it full upon my nose, completely +demolishing it. Now I have always been a little partial to my nose. My +eyes, I'll admit, are not quite as soulful as those liquid orbs of +Francis X. Bushman's, but my nose has been frequently admired and +envied in the best drawing rooms in New York. But it won't be envied +any more, I fear--pitied rather. + +Of course I played the game no more. I was nauseated by pain and the +sight of blood. My would-be assassin was actually forced to sit down, +he was so weak from brutal laughter. I wonder if I can ever be an +Ensign with a nose like this? + +[Illustration: "OF COURSE I PLAYED THE GAME NO MORE"] + + +_April 7th._ On the way back from a little outing the other day my +companion, Tim, who in civil life had been a barkeeper and a good one +at that, ingratiated himself in the good graces of a passing +automobile party and we consequently were asked in. There were two +girls, sisters, I fancy, and a father and mother aboard. + +"And where do you come from, young gentlemen?" asked the old man. + +"Me pal comes from San Diego," pipes up my unscrupulous friend, "and +my home town is San Francisco." + +I knew for a fact that he had never been farther from home than the +Polo Grounds, and as for me I had only the sketchiest idea of where my +home town was supposed to be. + +"Ah, Westerners!" exclaimed the old lady. "I come from the West +myself. My family goes back there every year." + +"Yes," chimed in the girls, "we just love San Diego!" + +"In what section of the town did you live?" asked the gentleman, and +my friend whom I was inwardly cursing, seeing my perplexity, quickly +put in for me: + +"Oh, you would never know it, sir," and then lowering his voice in a +confidential way, he added, "he kept a barroom in the Mexican part of +the town." + +"A barroom!" exclaimed the old lady. "Fancy that!" She looked at me +with great, innocent interest. + +"Yes," continued this lost soul, "my father, who is a State senator, +sent him to boarding school and tried to do everything for him, but he +drifted back into the old life just as soon as he could. It gets a hold +on them, you know." + +"Yes, I know," said the old lady, sadly, "my cook had a son that went +the same way." + +"He isn't really vicious, though," added my false friend with feigned +loyalty--"merely reckless." + +"Well, my poor boy," put in the old gentleman with cheery +consideration, "I am sure you must find that navy life does you a +world of good--regular hours, temperate living and all that." + +"Right you are, sport," says I bitterly, assuming my enforced role, "I +haven't slit a Greaser's throat since I enlisted." + +"We must all make sacrifices these days," sighed the old lady. + +"And perhaps you will be able to exercise your--er--er rather robust +inclinations on the Germans when you meet them on the high seas," +remarked the old man, who evidently thought to comfort me. + +"If I can only keep him out of the brig," said this low-down friend of +mine, "I think they might make a first-rate mess hand out of him," at +which remark both of the girls, who up to this moment had been +studying me silently, exploded into loud peals of mirth and then I +knew where I had met them before--at Kitty Van Tassel's coming out +party, and I distinctly recalled having spilled some punch on the +prettier one's white satin slipper. + +"We get out here," I said, hoarsely, choking with rage. + +"But!" exclaimed the old lady, "it's the loneliest part of the road." + +"However that may be," I replied with fine firmness, "I must +nevertheless alight here. I have a great many things to do before I +return to camp and lonely roads are well suited to my purposes. My +homicidal leanings are completely over-powering me." + +"Watch him closely," said the old lady to my companion, as the car +came to a stop. + +"He will have to," I replied grimly, as I prepared to alight. + +"Perhaps Mr. Oswald will mix us a cocktail some day," said one of the +sisters, leaning over the side of the car. "I have heard that he +supported many bars at one time, but I never knew he really owned +one." + +"What," I heard the old lady exclaiming as the car pulled away, "he +really isn't a bartender at all--well, fancy that!" + +There were a couple of pairs of rather dusty liberty blues in camp +that night. + + +_April 8th._ Yesterday mother paid a visit to camp and insisted upon +me breaking out my hammock in order for her to see if I had covers +enough. + +"I can never permit you to sleep in that, my dear," she said after +pounding and prodding it for a few numbers; "never--and I am sure the +Commander will agree with me after I have explained to him how +delicate you have always been." + +Later in the afternoon she became a trifle mollified when I told her +that the master-at-arms came around every night and distributed extra +blankets to every one that felt cold. "Be sure to see that he gives +you enough coverings," she said severely, "or else put him on report," +which I faithfully promised to do. + +She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A. and the Hostess Committee. +Here I stood her up for several bricks of ice cream and a large +quantity of cake. My fourth attempt she refused, however, saying by +way of explanation to a very pretty girl standing by, "It wouldn't be +good for him, my dear; my son has always had such a weak stomach. The +least little thing upsets him." + +[Illustration: "SHE WAS GREATLY DELIGHTED WITH THE Y.M.C.A."] + +"I believe you," replied the young lady, sympathetically, as she gazed +at me. I certainly looked upset at the moment. This was worse than the +underwear. + +"So that's an Ensign!" she exclaimed later in an obviously +disappointed tone of voice; "well, I'm not so sure that I want you to +become one now." The passing ensign couldn't help but hear her, as she +had practically screamed in his ear. He turned and studied my face +carefully. I think he was making sure that he could remember it. + +"Now take me to your physician," commanded mother, resolutely. "I want +to be sure that he sees that you take your spring tonic regularly." + +"Mother," I pleaded, "don't you think it is time you were going? I +have a private lesson in sale embroidery in ten minutes that I +wouldn't miss for the world--the sweetest man teaches it!" + +"Well, under the circumstances I won't keep you," said mother, "but +I'll write to the doctor just the same." + +"Yes, do," I urged, "send it care of me so that he'll be sure to get +it." + +Mother is not a restful creature in camp. + + +_April 9th._ "Say, there, you with the nose," cried my P.O. company +commander to-day, "are you with us or are you playing a little game of +your own?" + +I wasn't so very wrong--just the slight difference between port and +present arms. + +"With you, heart and soul," I replied, hoping to make a favorable +impression by a smart retort. + +"That don't work in the manual," he replied; "use your brain and +ears." + +Unnecessarily rough he was, but I don't know but what he wasn't right. + +[Illustration: "I WASN'T SO VERY WRONG--JUST THE SLIGHT DIFFERENCE +BETWEEN PORT AND PRESENT ARMS"] + + +_April 10th._ I hear that I am going to be put on the mess crew. God +pity me, poor wretch! How shall I ever keep my hands from becoming +red? What a terrible war it is! + + +_April 11th._ Saw a basket ball game the other night. Never knew it +was so rough. I used to play it with the girls and we had such sport. +There seemed to be some reason for it then. There are a couple of +queer looking brothers on our team who seem to try utterly to demolish +their opponents. They remind me of a couple of tough gentlemen from +Scranton I heard about in a story once. + + +_April 12th._ The price of fags (gee! I'm getting rough) has gone up +again. This war is rapidly cramping my style. + + +_April 14th._ I have been too sick at heart to write up my diary--Eli +is dead! "Pop," the Jimmy-legs, found the body and has been promoted +to Chief Master-at-arms. It's an ill wind that blows no good. I +don't know whether it was because he found Eli or because he runs one +of the most modernly managed mess halls in camp or because his working +parties are always well attended that "Pop" received his appointment, +but whatever it was it does my heart good to see a real seagoing old +salt, one of our few remaining ex-apprentice boys, receive recognition +that is so well merited. However, I was on much more intimate terms +with Eli when I was over in Probation Camp than I was with "Pop." He +almost had me in his clutches once for late hammocks, me and eight +other poor victims I had led into the trouble, and he had our +wheelbarrows all picked out for us, and a nice large pile of sand for +us to play with when fate interceded in our behalf. The poor man +nearly cried out of sheer anguish of soul, and I can't justly blame +him. It's hard lines to have a nice fat extra duty party go dead on +your hands. + +But with Eli it was different. When I was a homeless rookie he took me +in and I fed him--cigarette butts--and I'll honestly say that he +showed more genuine appreciation than many a flapper I have plied with +costly viands. He was a good goat, Eli. Not a refined goat, to be +sure, but a good, honest, whole-souled goat just the same. He did his +share in policing the grounds, never shirked a cigar end or a bit of +paper and amused many a mess gear line. He was loyal to his friends, +tolerant with new recruits and a credit to the service in general. +Considering the environment in which he lived, I think he deported +himself with much dignity and moderation. I for one shall miss Eli. +Some of the happier memories of my rookie days die with him. He is +survived by numerous dogs. + + +_April 25th._ Yesterday I wandered around Probation Camp in a very +patronizing manner and finally stopped to shed a tear on the humble +grave of Eli. + +"Poor sinful goat," I thought sadly, "here you lie at last in your +final resting place, but your phantom, I wonder, does it go coursing +madly down the Milky Way, butting the stars aside with its +battle-scarred head and sending swift gleams of light through the +heavens as its hoofs strike against an upturned planet? Your horns, +are they tipped with fire and your beard gloriously aflame, or has the +great evil spirit of Wayward Goats descended upon you and borne you +away to a place where there is never anything to butt save +unsatisfactorily yielding walls of padded cotton? Many changes have +taken place, Eli, since you were with us, much adversity has befallen +me, but the world in the large is very much the same. Bill and Mike +have been shipped to sea and strange enough to say, old Spike Kelly +has made the Quartermasters School. I alone of all the gang remain +unspoken for--nobody seems anxious to avail themselves of my services. +My tapes are dirtier and my white hat grows less "sea-going" every day +and even you, Eli, are being forgotten. The company commander still +carols sweetly in the morning about "barrackses" and fire +"distinguishers," rookies still continue to rook about the camp in +their timid, mild-eyed way, while week-old sailors with unwashed +leggins delight their simple souls with cries of 'twenty-one days.' +New goats have sprung up to take your place in the life of the camp +and belittle your past achievements, but to me, O unregenerate goat, +you shall ever remain a refreshing memory. Good butting, O excellent +ruminant, wherever thou should chance to be. I salute you." + +This soliloquy brought me to the verge of an emotional break-down. I +departed the spot in silence. On my way back through Probation I +chanced upon a group of rookies studying for their examinations and +was surprised to remember how much I had contrived to forget. +Nevertheless I stopped one of the students and asked him what a +"hakamaback" was and found to my relief that he didn't know. + +"Back to your manual," said I gloomily, "I fear you will never be a +sailor." + +Having thus made heavy the heart of another, I continued on my way +feeling somehow greatly cheered only to find upon entering my barracks +that my blankets were in the lucky bag. How did I ever forget to place +them in my hammock? It was a natural omission though, I fancy, for the +master-at-arms so terrifies me in the morning with his great shouts of +"Hit the deck, sailor! Shake a leg--rise an' shine" that I am unnerved +for the remainder of the day. + + +_April 29th._ Life seems to be composed of just one parade after +another. I am weary of the plaudits and acclamation of the multitude +and long for some sequestered spot on a mountain peak in Thibet. Every +time I see a street I instinctively start to walk down the middle of +it. Last week I was one of the many thousands of Pelham men who +marched along Fifth Avenue in the Liberty Loan parade. I thought I was +doing particularly well and would have made a perfect score if one of +my leggins hadn't come off right in front of the reviewing stand much +to the annoyance of the guy behind me because he tripped on it and +almost dropped his gun. For the remainder of the parade I was +subjected to a running fire of abuse that fairly made my flesh crawl. + +At the end of the march I ran into a rather nebulous, middle-aged sort +of a gentleman soldier who was sitting on the curb looking moodily at +a manhole as if he would like to jump in it. + +"Hello, stranger," says I in a blustery, seafaring voice, "you look as +if you'd been cursed at about as much as I have. What sort of an +outfit do you belong to?" + +He scrutinized one of his buttons with great care and then told me all +about himself. + +"I'm a home guard, you know," he added bitterly, "all we do is to +escort people. I've escorted the Blue Devils, the Poilus, the +Australians, mothers of enlisted men, mothers of men who would have +enlisted if they could, Boy Scouts and loan workers until my dogs are +jolly well near broken down on me. Golly, I wish I was young enough to +enjoy a quiet night's sleep in the trenches for a change." + +Later I saw him gloomily surveying the world from the window of a +passing cab. He was evidently through for the time being at least. + + +_April 30th._ I took my bar-keeping pal home over the last week-end +liberty. It was a mistake. He admits it himself. Mother will never +have him in the house again. Mother could never get him in the house +again. He fears her. The first thing he did was to mix poor dear +grandfather a drink that caused the old gentleman to forget his game +leg which had been damaged in battles, ranging anywhere from the +Mexican to the Spanish wars, according to grandfather's mood at the +time he is telling the story, but which I believe, according to a +private theory of mine, was really caught in a folding bed. However it +was, grandfather forgot all about this leg of his entirely and +insisted on dancing with Nora, our new maid. Mother, of course, was +horrified. But not content with that, this friend of mine concocted +some strange beverage for the pater which so delighted him that he +loaned my so-called pal the ten spot I had been intending to borrow. +The three of them sat up until all hours of the night playing cards +and telling ribald stories. As mother took me upstairs to bed she +gazed down on her father-in-law and her husband in the clutches of +this demon and remarked bitterly to me: + +"Like father, like son," and I knew that she was thoroughly determined +to make both of them pay dearly for their pleasant interlude. +Breakfast the next morning was a rather trying ordeal. Grandfather +once more resorted to his game leg with renewed vigor, referring +several times to the defense of the Alamo, so I knew he was pretty low +in his mind. Father withdrew at the sight of bacon. Mother laughed +scornfully as he departed. My friend ate a hearty breakfast and kept a +sort of a happy-go-lucky monologue throughout its entire course. I +took him out walking afterward and forgot to bring him back. + +[Illustration: "THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS TO MIX POOR DEAR +GRANDFATHER A DRINK"] + + +_April 31st._ Have just come off guard duty and feel quite exhausted. +The guns are altogether too heavy. I can think of about five different +things I could remove from them without greatly decreasing their +utility. The first would be the barrel. The artist who drew the +picture in the last camp paper of Dawn appearing in the form of a +beautiful woman must have had more luck than I have ever had. I think +he would have been closer to the truth if he had put her in a speeding +automobile on its way home from a road house. It surely is a proof of +discipline to hear the mocking, silver-toned laughter of women ring +out in the night only ten feet away and not drop your gun and follow +it right through the barbed wire. After the war, I am going to buy +lots of barbed wire and cut it up into little bits just to relieve my +feelings. + +Last night I had the fright of my life. Some one was fooling around +the fence in the darkness. + +"Who's there?" I cried. + +"Why, I'm Kaiser William," came the answer in a subdued voice. + +"Well, I wish you'd go away, Kaiser William," said I nervously, +"you're busting the lights out of rule number six." + +"What's that?" asks the voice. + +"Not to commit a nuisance with any one except in a military manner," I +replied, becoming slightly involved. + +"That's not such a wonderful rule," came back the voice in complaining +tones. "I could make up a rule better than that." + +"Don't try to to-night," I pleaded. + +There was silence for a moment, then the voice continued seriously, +"Say, I'm not Kaiser William really. Honest I'm not." + +"Well, who are you?" I asked impatiently. + +"Why, I'm Tucks," the voice replied. "Folks call me that because I +take so many of them in my trousers." + +"Well, Tucks," I replied, "you'd better be moving on. I don't know +what might happen with this gun. I'm tempted to shoot the cartridge +out of it just to make it lighter." + +"Oh, you can't shoot me," cried Tucks, "I'm crazy. I bet you didn't +know that, did you?" + +"I wasn't sure," I answered. + +"Oh, I'm awfully crazy," continued Tucks, "everybody says so, and I +look it, too, in the daylight." + +"You must," I replied. + +"Well, good night," said Tucks in the same subdued voice. "If you find +a flock of pink Liberty Bonds around here, remember I lost them." He +departed in the direction of City Island. + +[Illustration: "I WAS TEMPTED TO SHOOT THE CARTRIDGE OUT JUST TO MAKE +IT LIGHTER"] + + +_May 1st._ I visited the office of the camp paper to-day and found it +to be an extremely hectic place. In the course of a conversation with +the Chief I chanced to look up and caught two shining eyes staring +malevolently at me from a darkened corner of the room. This creature +blinked at me several times very rapidly, wiggled its mustache and +suddenly disappeared into the thick shadows. + +"Who is that?" I cried, startled. + +"That's our mad photographer," said the Chief. "What do you think of +him?" + +"Do you keep him in there?" I asked, pointing to the coal-black +cupboard-like room into which this strange creature had disappeared. + +"Yes," said the Chief, "and he likes it. Often he stays there for days +at a time, only coming out for air." At this juncture there came from +the dark room the sounds of breaking glass, which was immediately +followed by strange animal-like sounds as the mad photographer burst +out of his den and proclaimed to all the world that nothing meant very +much in his life and that it would be absolutely immaterial to him if +the paper and its entire staff should suddenly be visited with flood, +fire and famine. After this gracious and purely gratuitous piece of +information he again withdrew, but strange mutterings still continued +to issue forth from his lair. While I was sitting in the office the +editor happened to drift in from the adjacent room crisply attired in +a pair of ragged, disreputable trousers and a sleeveless gray sweater +which was raveling in numerous places. It was the shock of my life. + +"Where's our yeoman?" he grumbled, at which the yeoman, who somehow +reminded me of some character from one of Dickens's novels, edged out +of the door, but he was too late. Spying him, the editor launched +forth on a violent denunciation, in which for no particular reason the +cartoonist and sporting editor joined. There they stood, the three of +them, abusing this poor simple yeoman in the most unnecessary manner +as far as I could make out. Three harder cut-throats I have never +encountered. While in the office, I came upon a rather elderly artist +crouched over in a corner writhing as if he was in great pain. He was +in the throes of composition, I was told, and he looked it. Poor +wretch, he seemed to have something on his mind. The only man I saw +who seemed to have anything like a balanced mind was the financial +shark, a little ferret-eyed, onery-looking cuss whom I wouldn't have +trusted out of my sight. He was sitting with his nose thrust in some +dusty volume totally oblivious of the pandemonium that reigned around +him. He either has a great mind or none at all--probably the latter. I +fear I would never make an editor. The atmosphere is simply +altogether too strenuous for me. + + +_May 4th._ There seems to be no place in the service for me; I cannot +decide what rating to select. To be a quartermaster one must know how +to signal, and signaling always tires my arms. One must know how to +blow a horrid shrill little whistle in order to become a boatswain +mate, and my ears could never stand this. To be a yeoman, it is +necessary to know how to rattle papers in an important manner and +disseminate misinformation with a straight face, and this I could +never do. I fear the only thing left for me is to try for a +commission. I'm sure I would be a valuable addition to any wardroom. + + +_May 6th._ "Man the drags! Hey, there, you flannel-footed camel, stop +galloping! What are you doing, anyway--playing horses?" + +"Don't be ridiculous," I cried out, hot with rage and humiliation; +"you know perfectly well I'm not playing horse. I realize as well as +you do that this is a serious--" + +At this juncture of my brave retort a gun barrel stove in the back of +my head, some one kicked me on the shin and in some indescribable +manner the butt of a rifle became entangled between my feet, and down +I went in a cloud of dust and oaths. One-fourth of the entire Pelham +field artillery passed over my body, together with its crew, while +through the roar and confusion raised by this horrible cataclysm I +could hear innumerable C.P.O.'s howling and blackguarding me in +frenzied tones, and I dimly distinguished their forms dancing in rage +amid descending billows of dust. The parade ground swirled dizzily +around me, but I had no desire to arise and begin life anew. It would +not be worth while. I felt that I had at the most only a short time to +live, and that that was too long. The world offered nothing but the +most horrifying possibilities to me. "What is the Biltmore to a man in +uniform, anyway?" I remember thinking to myself as I lay there with my +nose pressed flat to an ant hill, "all the best parts of it are arid +districts, waste places, limitless Saharas to him. Death, where is thy +sting?" I continued, as an outraged ant assaulted my nose. The world +came throbbing back. I felt myself being dragged violently away from +my resting place. I was choking. Bidding farewell to the ants, I +prepared myself to swoon when gradually, as if from a great distance, +I heard the voice of my P.O. He was almost crying. + +"Take him out," he pleaded; "for Gord sake, take him out. He's hurtin' +our gun." + +[Illustration: "ONE FOURTH OF THE ENTIRE PELHAM FIELD ARTILLERY PASSED +OVER MY BODY"] + +This remark gave me the strength to rise, but not gracefully. My +intention was to address a few handpicked words to this P.O. of mine, +but fortunately for my future peace of mind I was beyond utterance. +Weakly I tottered in the direction of the gun, hoping to support +myself upon it. + +"Hey, come away from that gun!" howled the P.O. "Don't let him touch +it, fellers," he pleaded. "Don't let him even go near it. He'll spoil +it. He'll completely destroy it." + +"Say, Buddy," said the Chief to me, and how I hated the ignominy of +the word, "I guess I'll take you out of the game for to-day. I'm +responsible for Government property, and you are altogether too big a +risk." + +"What shall I do?" I asked, huskily. "Where shall I go?" + +"Do?" he repeated, in a thoughtful voice. "Go? Well, here's where you +can go," and he told me, "and this is what you can do when you get +there," and as I departed rather hastily he told me this also. The +entire parade ground heard him. How shall I ever be able to hold up my +head again in Camp? I departed the spot, but only under one boiler; +however, I made fair speed. Like a soldier returning from a week in +the trenches, I sought the comfort and seclusion of the Y.M.C.A. Here +I witnessed a checker contest of a low order between two unscrupulous +brothers. They had a peculiar technique completely their own. It +consisted of arts and dodges and an extravagant use of those +adjectives one is commonly supposed to shun. + +"Say, there's a queen down at the end of the room," one of them would +suddenly exclaim, and while the other brother was gazing eagerly in +that direction he would deliberately remove several of his men from +the board. But the other brother, who was not so balmy as he +looked, would occasionally discover this slight irregularity and +proceed to express his opinion of it by word of mouth, which for sheer +force of expression was in the nature of a revelation to me. It was +appalling to sit there and watch those two young men, who had +evidently at one time come from a good home, sit in God's bright +sunshine and cheat each other throughout the course of an afternoon +and lie out of it in the most obvious manner. The game was finally +discontinued, owing to a shortage of checkermen which they had +secreted in their pockets, a fact which each one stoutly denied with +many weird and rather indelicate vows. I left them engaged in the +pleasant game of recrimination, which had to do with stolen golf +balls, the holding out of change and kindred sordid subjects. In my +weakened condition this display of fraternal depravity so offended my +instinctive sense of honor that I was forced to retire behind the +protecting pages of a 1913 issue of "The Farmer's Wife Indispensable +Companion," where I managed to lose myself for the time in a rather +complicated exposition of how to tell which chicken laid what egg if +any or something to that effect, an article that utterly demolished +the moral character of the average hen, leaving her hardly a leg to +roost on. + + +_May 8th._ "Give away," said the coxswain to-day, when we were +struggling to get our cutter off from the pier, and I gave away to +such an extent, in fact, that I suddenly found myself balanced +cleverly on the back of my neck in the bottom of the boat, so that I +experienced the rather odd sensation of feeling the hot sun on the +soles of my feet. This procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed. +Nothing I do goes unnoticed, save the good things. The coxswain made a +few comments which showed him to be a thoroughly ill-bred person, but +further than this I was not persecuted. After we had rowed +interminable distances through leagues upon leagues of doggedly +resisting water a man in the bow remarked casually that he had several +friends in Florida we might call upon if we kept it up a little +longer, but the coxswain comfortably ensconced upon the hackamatack, +was so deeply engrossed in the perusal of a vest pocket edition of the +"Merchant of Venice" that he failed to grasp the full meaning of the +remark. I lifted my rapidly glazing eyes with no little effort from +the keelson and discovered to my horror that we had hardly passed more +than half a mile of shore-line at the most. What we had been doing all +the time I was unable to figure out. I thought we had been rowing. I +could have sworn we had been rowing, but apparently we had not. I +looked up from my meditation in time to catch the ironical gaze of the +coxswain upon me, and I involuntarily braced myself to the assault. + +[Illustration: "THE PROCEDURE, OF COURSE, DID NOT GO UNNOTICED"] + +"Say, there, sailor," said he, with a slow, unpleasant drawl, "you're +not rowing; you're weaving. It's fancy work you're doing, blast yer +eyes!" + +All who had sufficient strength left in them laughed jeeringly at this +wise observation, but I retained a dignified silence--that is, so far +as a man panting from exhaustion can be silent. At this moment we +passed a small boat being rowed briskly along by a not unattractive +girl. + +"Now, watch her," said the coxswain, helpfully, to me; "study the way +that poor fragile girl, that mere child, pulls the oars, and try to do +likewise." + +I observed in shamed silence. My hands ached. A motor boat slid +swiftly by and I distinctly saw a man drinking beer from the bottle. +"Hell isn't dark and smoky," thought I to myself; "hell is bright and +sunny, and there is lots of sparkling water in it and on the sparkling +water are innumerable boats and in these boats are huddled the poor +lost mortals who are forced to listen through eternity to the wise +cracks of cloven-hoofed, spike-tailed coxswains. That's what hell is," +thought I, "and I am in my probation period right now." + +"Feather your oars!" suddenly screamed our master at the straining +crew. + +"Feather me eye!" yelled back a courageous Irishman. "What do you +think these oars are, anyway--a flock of humming birds? Whoever heard +of feathering a hundred-ton weight? Feather Pike's Peak, say I; it's +just as easy." + +Somehow we got back to the pier, but I was almost delirious by this +time. The last part of the trip was all one drab, dull nightmare to +me. This evening my hands were so swollen I was forced to the +extremity of bribing a friend to hold the telephone receiver for me +when I called up mother. + +"What have you been doing?" she asked. + +"Rowing," came my short answer. + +"What a splendid outing!" she exclaimed. "You had such a lovely day +for it, didn't you, dear?" + +"Hang up that receiver!" I shouted to my friend; "hang it up, or my +mother shall hear from the lips of her son words she should only hear +from her husband." + + +_May 9th._ I am just after having been killed in a sham battle, and so +consequently I feel rather ghastly to-day. I don't exactly know +whether I was a Red or a Blue, because I did a deal of fighting on +both sides, but always with the same result. I was killed instantly +and completely. People got sick of putting me out of my misery after a +while and I was allowed to wander around at large in a state of great +mystification and excitement, shooting my blank bullets into the face +of nature in an aimless sort of manner whenever the battle began to +pall upon me. + +Most of the time I passed pleasantly on the soft, fresh flank of a +hill where for a while I slept until a cow breathed heavily in my face +and reminded me that it was war after all. My instructions were to +keep away from the guns, and get killed as soon as possible. As these +instructions were not difficult to follow, I carried them out to the +letter. I stayed away from the guns and I permitted myself to be +killed several times in order to make sure it would take. After that I +became a sort of composite camp follower, deserter and straggler. + +In my wandering I chanced upon an ancient enemy of many past +encounters. + +"Are you Red or Blue?" I asked, preparing to die for the fifth time. + +"No," he answered, sarcastically, "I'm what you might call elephant +ear gray." + +"Are you the guy the reporter for the camp paper was referring to in +his last story?" I asked him. + +"Yes," he replied, "the slandering blackguard." + +"You hit me on the nose with a push-ball," said I. + +"I'll do it again," said he. + +"That reporter, evidently a man of some observation, said you didn't +wash your neck and that you had the habits of a camel." + +"But I do wash my neck," he said, stubbornly, "and I don't know +anything about the habits of a camel, but whatever they might happen +to be, I haven't got 'em." + +"Yes," I replied, as if to myself, "you certainly should wash your +neck. That's the very least you could do." + +"But I tell you," he cried, desperately, "I keep telling you that I do +wash my neck. Why do you go on talking about it as if I didn't! I tell +you now, once for all time, that I do wash my neck, and that ends it. +Don't talk any more. I want to think." + +We sat in silence for a space, then I remarked casually, almost +inaudibly, "and you certainly shouldn't have the habits of a camel." + +The depraved creature stirred uneasily. "I ain't got 'em," he said. + +"Good," I cried heartily. "We understand each other perfectly. In the +future you will try to wash your neck and cease from having the habits +of a camel. No compromise is necessary. I know you will keep your +word." + +"Go away quickly," he gasped, searching around for a stone to hurl at +me, and discarding several because of their small size. "Go away to +somewhere else. I'm telling you now, go away or else a special detail +will find your lifeless body here in the bushes some time to-morrow." + +"I've already been thoroughly killed several times to-day," I said, +putting a tree between us, "but don't forget about the camel, and for +heaven's sake do try to keep your neck--" + +A stone hit the tree with a resounding crack, and I increased the +distance. + +"Damn the torpedoes!" I shouted back as I disappeared into the +pleasant security of the sun-warmed woods. + + +_May 11th._ "What navy do you belong to?" asked an Ensign, stopping me +to-day, "the Chinese?" + +"Why do you ask, sir?" I replied, saluting gracefully. "Of course I +don't belong to the Chinese Navy." + +"What's your rating?" he snapped. "Show girl first class attached to +the good ship Biff! Bang! sir," came my prompt retort. + +"Well, put a watch mark on your arm, sailor, and put it there pronto, +or you'll be needing an understudy to pinch hit for you." + +As a matter of fact I have never put my watch mark on, for the simple +reason that I have been rather expecting a rating at any moment, but +it seems as if my expectations were doomed to disappointment. + +Nothing matters much, anyway, now, however, for I have been selected +from among all the men in the station to play the part of a Show Girl +in the coming magnificent Pelham production, "Biff! Bang!" At last I +have found the occupation to which by training and inclination I am +naturally adapted. The Grand Moguls that are running this show came +around the barracks the other day looking for material, and when they +gazed upon me I felt sure that their search had not been in vain. + +"Why don't you write a 'nut' part for him?" asked one of them of the +playwright as they surveyed me critically as if I was some rare +specimen of bug life. + +"That would never do," he answered. "Real 'nuts' can never play the +part on the stage. You've got to have a man of intelligence." + +"Look here," I broke in. "You've got to stop talking about me before +my face as if I wasn't really present. Nuts I may be, but I can still +understand English, even when badly spoken, and resent it. Lay off +that stuff or I'll be constrained to introduce you to a new brand of +'Biff! Bang!'" + +Saying this, I struck an heroic attitude, but it seemed to produce no +startling change in their calm, deliberate examination of me. + +"He'll do, I think, as a Show Girl," the dance-master mused dreamily. +"Like a cabbage, every one of his features is bad, but the whole +effect is not revolting. Strange, isn't it, how such things happen." +At this point the musician broke in. + +"He ain't agoing to dance to my music if I know it. He'll ruin it." At +which remark I executed a few rather simple but nevertheless neat +steps I had learned at the last charity Bazaar to which I had +contributed my services, and these few steps were sufficient to close +the deal. I was signed up on the spot. As they were leaving the +barracks one excited young person ran up and halted the arrogant +Thespians. "If I get the doctor to remove my Adam's Apple," he pleaded +wistfully, "do you think you could take me on as a pony?" + +"No," said one of them, not without a certain show of kindness. "I +fear not. It would be necessary for him to remove the greater part of +your map and graft a couple of pounds on to your sadly unendowed +limbs." + +From that day on my life has become one of unremitting toil. Together +with the rest of the Show Girls I vamp and slouch my way around the +clock with ever increasing seductiveness. We are really doing +splendidly. The ponies come leaping lightly across the floor waving +their freckled, muscular arms from side to side and looking very +unattractive indeed in their B.V.D.'s, high shoes and sock supporters. +"I can see it all," says the Director, in an enthusiastic voice, and +if he can I'll admit he has some robust quality of imagination that I +fail to possess. + +Us Show Girls, of course, have to be a little more modest than the +ponies, so we retain our white trousers. These are rolled up, however, +in order to afford the mosquitoes, who are covering the show most +conscientiously, room to roost on. And sad to relate, the life is +beginning to affect the boys. Only yesterday I saw one of our toughest +ponies vamping up the aisle of Mess Hall No. 2 with his tray held over +his head in the manner of a Persian slave girl. The Jimmy-legs, +witnessing this strange sight, dropped his jaw and forgot to lift it +up again. "Sweet attar of roses," he muttered. "What ever has happened +to our poor, long-suffering navy?" At the door of the Mess Hall the +pony bowed low to the deck and withdrew with a coy backward flirt of +his foot. + +I can't express in words the remarkable appearance made by some of our +seagoing chorus girls when they attempt to assume the light and airy +graces of the real article. Some of the men have so deeply entered +into their parts that they have attained absolute self-forgetfulness, +with the result that they leap and preen about in a manner quite +startling to the dispassionate spectator. My career so far has not +been a personal triumph. In the middle of a number, the other night, +the dancing master clapped his hands violently together, a signal he +uses when he wants all motion to cease. + +"Take 'em down to the end of the room, boys," he said. "I can tell +three minutes ahead of time when things are going to go wrong. That +man on the end didn't have a thought in his head. He would have +smeared the entire number." I was the man on the end. + + +_May 23d._ This has not been a particularly agreeable day, although to +a woman no doubt it would have been laden with moments of exquisite +ecstasy. Feminine apparel for me has lost for ever the charm of +mystery that formerly touched it with enchantment. There is nothing I +do not know now. Its innermost secret has been revealed and its +revelation has brought with it its full burden of woe. All knowledge +is pain and vice versa. I have always admired women; whether so +profoundly as they have admired me I know not; however that may be, I +have always admired them collectively and individually in the past, +but after today's experience my admiration is tinged with pity. The +source of these reflections lies in no less an article than a corset. +As a Show Girl, it has been my lot to be provided with one of these +fiendish devices of medieval days. It is too much. The corset must go. +No woman could have experienced the pain and discomfort I have been +subjected to this day without feeling entitled to the vote. Yet I dare +say there are women who would gladly be poured into a new corset every +day of their lives. They can have mine for the asking. Life at its +best presents a narrow enough outlook without resorting to cunningly +wrought devices such as corsets in order further to confine one's +point of view or abdomen, which amounts to the same thing. The whale +is a noble animal, it was a very good idea, the whale, and I love +every bone in its body, so long as it keeps them there. So tightly was +my body clutched in the embrace of this vicious contraption that I +found it impossible to inhale my much needed cigarette. The smoke +would descend no further than my throat. The rest of me was a closed +port, a roadway blocked to traffic. I have suffered. + +But there were also other devices, other soft, seductive under +strappings. I know them all to their last most intimate detail. I +feel that now I could join a woman's sewing circle and talk with as +much authority and wisdom as the most veteraned corset wearer present. +My views would be radical perhaps but at least they would have the +virtue of being refreshing. + +However, I can see some good coming out of my unavoidably acquired +knowledge of female attire. In future days, while my wife is out +purchasing shirts and neckties for me, I can easily employ my time to +advantage in shopping around Fifth Avenue in search of the correct +thing in lingerie for her. It will be a great help to the household +and I am sure impress my wife with the depth and range of my +education, which I will be able to tell her, thank God, was innocently +acquired. + + +_May 28th._ I am slowly forming back into my pristine shape but only +after having been freed from bondage for some hours. After several +more sodas, concoctions which up till recently I have despised as +injurious, I guess I will have filled out to my usual dimensions +around the waist line, but when I consider the long days of womanhood +stretched out before me in the future I will admit it is with a +sinking not only of the waist, but also of the heart. + +More indignities have been heaped upon me. Why did I ever take up the +profession of a show girl? To-day I fell into the clutches of the +barbers. They were not gentle clutches, brutal rather; and such an +outspoken lot they were at that. + +"What's that?" asked one of them as I stood rather nervously before +him with bared chest. + +"Why, that," I replied, a trifle disconcerted, "that's my chest." + +He looked at me for a moment, then smiled a slow, pitying smile. "Hey, +Tony," he suddenly called to his colleague, "come over here a moment +and see what this bird claims to be a chest." + +All this yelled in the faces of the entire Biff-Bang company. It was +more inhuman and debasing than my first physical examination in +public. The doctors on this occasion, although they had not +complimented me, had at least been comparatively impersonal in +despatching their offices, but these men were far from being +impersonal. I perceived with horror that it was their intention to use +my chest as a means of bringing humor into their drab existences. Tony +came and surveyed me critically. + +"That," he drawled musically, "ees not a chest. That ees the bottom +part of hees neck." + +"I know it is," replied the other, "but somehow his arms have gotten +mixed up in the middle of it." + +Tony shrugged his shoulders eloquently. He assumed the appearance of a +man completely baffled. + +"Honestly, now, young feller," continued my first tormentor, "are you +serious when you try to tell us that that is your chest?" + +He drew attention to the highly disputed territory by poking me +diligently with his thumb. + +"That's the part the doctor always listened to whenever I had a cold," +I replied as indifferently as possible. The man pondered over this for +a moment. + +"Well," he replied at length, "probably the doctor was right, but to +the impartial observer it would seem to be, as my friend Tony so +accurately observed, the bottom part of your neck." + +"It really doesn't matter much after all," I replied, hoping to close +the conversation. "You all were not sent here to establish the +location of the different parts of my anatomy, anyway." + +The man appeared not to have heard me. "I'd swear," he murmured +musingly, standing back and regarding me with tilted head, "I'd swear +it was his neck if it warn't for his arms." He suddenly discontinued +his dreamy observations and became all business. + +"Well, sir," he began briskly, "now that we've settled that what do +you want me to do to it?" + +"Why, shave it, of course," I replied bitterly. "That's what you're +here for, isn't it? All us Show Girls have got to have our chests +shaved." + +"An' after I've shaved your chest, dear," he asked in a soothing +voice, "what do you want me to do with it?" + +"With what?" I replied, enraged, "with my chest?" + +"No," he answered easily, "not your chest, but that one poor little +pitiful hair that adorns it. Do you want me to send it home to your +ma, all tied around with a pink ribbon?" + +I saw no reason to reply to this insult, but stood uneasily and tried +to maintain my dignity while he lathered me with undue elaboration. +When it was time for him to produce his razor he faltered. + +"I can't do it," he said brokenly, "I haven't the heart to cut it down +in its prime. It looks so lonely and helpless there by itself." He +swept his razor around several times with a free-handed, +blood-curdling swoop of his arm. "Well, here goes," he said, shutting +his eyes and approaching me. Tony turned away as if unable to witness +the scene. I was unnerved, but I stood my ground. The deed was done +and I was at last free to depart. "That's a terrible chest for a Show +Girl," I heard him to say to Tony as I did so. + + +_May 29th._ The world has come clattering down around my ears and I am +buried, crushed and bruised beneath the debris. There was a dress +rehearsal to-day, and I, from the whole company, was singled out for +the wrath of the gods. + +"Who is that chorus girl on the end acting frantic?" cried out one of +the directors in the middle of a number. My name was shouted across +the stage until it echoed and resounded and came bounding back in my +face from every corner of the shadow-plunged theater. I knew I was in +for it and drew myself up majestically although I turned pale under my +war paint. + +"Well, tell him he isn't walking on stilts," continued the director, +and although it was perfectly unnecessary, I was told that and several +other things with brutal candor. The dance went on but I knew the eyes +of the director were on me. My legs seemed to lose all proper +coordination. My arms became unmanageable. I lost step and could not +pick it up again, yet, as in a nightmare, I struggled on desperately. +Suddenly the director clapped his hands. The music ceased, and I +slowed down to an uneasy shuffle. + +"Sweetheart," said the director, addressing me personally, "you're not +dancing. You're swimming, that's what you're doing. As a Persian girl +you would make a first class squaw." He halted for a moment and then +bawled out in a great voice, "Understudy!" and I was removed from the +stage in a fainting condition. This evening I was shipped back to +camp a thoroughly discredited Show Girl. I had labored long in +vicious, soul-squelching corsets and like Samson been shorn of my +locks, and here I am after all my sacrifices relegated back to the +scrap heap. Why am I always the unfortunate one? I must have a private +plot in the sky strewn with unlucky stars. Camp routine after the free +life of the stage is unbearably irksome. My particular jimmy legs was +so glad to see me back that he almost cried as he thrust a broom and a +swab into my hands. + +"Bear a hand," he said gleefully, "get to work and stick to it. We're +short of men," he added, "and there is no end of things for you to +do." + +I did them all and he was right. There surely is no end to the things +he can devise for me to do. I long for the glamour and footlights of +the gay white way, but I have been cast out and rejected as many a +Show Girl has been before me. + + +_June 1st._ The morning papers say all sort of nice things about +Biff-Bang but I can hardly believe them sincere after the treatment I +received. I know for a fact that the man who took my place was +knock-kneed and that the rest of his figure could not hold a candle to +mine. + +I still feel convinced that Biff-Bang lost one of its most +prepossessing and talented artists when I was so unceremoniously +removed from the chorus. + + +_June 10th._ I was standing doing harm to no one in a vague, rather +unfortunate way I have, when all of a sudden, without word or warning, +a very competent looking sailor seized me by the shoulders and, +thrusting his face close to mine, cried out: + +"Do you want to make a name for yourself in the service?" + +I left the ground two feet below me in my fright and when I alighted +there were tears of eagerness in my eyes. + +"Yes," I replied breathlessly, "oh, sir, yes." + +"Then pick up that," he cried dramatically, pointing to a cigar butt +on the parade ground. I didn't wait for the laughter. I didn't have +to. It was forthcoming immediately. Huge peals of it. Sailors are a +very low tribe of vertebrate. They seem to hang around most of the +time waiting for something to laugh at--usually me. It is my belief +that I have been the subject of more mirth since I came to camp than +any other man on the station. Whatever I do I seem to do it too much +or too little. There even seems to be something mirth-provoking in my +personal appearance, which I have always regarded hitherto not without +a certain shade of satisfaction. Only the other day I caught the eyes +of the gloomiest sailor in camp studying me with a puzzled expression. +He gazed at me for such a long time that I became quite disconcerted. +Slowly a smile spread over his face, then a strange, rusty laugh +forced itself through his lips. + +"Doggone if I can solve it," he chuckled, turning away and shaking his +head; "it's just simply too much for me." + +He looked back once, clapped his hands over his mouth and proceeded +merrily on his way. I am glad of course to be able to bring joy into +the lives of sailors, but I did not enlist for that sole purpose. +Returning to the cigar butt, however, I was really quite disappointed. +I do so want to make a name for myself in the service that I would +eagerly jump at the chance of sailing up the Kiel canal in a Barnegat +Sneak Box were it not for the fact that sailing always makes me +deathly sick. I don't know why it is, but the more I have to do with +water the more reasons I find for shunning it. The cigar butt episode +broke my heart though. I was all keyed up for some heroic deed--what +an anti-climax! I left the spot in a bitter, humiliated mood. There is +only one comforting part about the whole affair--I did not pick up +that cigar butt. He did, I'll bet, though when nobody was looking. I +don't know as I blame him--there were still several healthy drags left +in it. + + +_June 11th._ This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of +business if it keeps up much longer. The first thing a sailor will do +after he has been paid off will be to establish a laundry, and he +won't be a slouch at the business at that. I feel sure that I am +qualified right now to take in family laundry and before the end of +summer I guess I'll be able to do fancy work. At present I am what +you might call a first class laundryman, but I'm not a fancy +laundryman yet. Since they've put us in whites I go around with the +washer-woman's complaint most of the time. Terrible shooting pains in +my back! My sympathy for the downtrodden is increasing by leaps and +bounds. I can picture myself without any effort of the imagination +bending over a tub after the war doing the family washing while my +wife is out running for alderman or pulling the wires to be appointed +Commissioner of the Docks. The white clothes situation, however, is +serious. It seems that every spare moment I have I am either washing +or thinking of washing or just after having washed, and to one who +possesses as I do the uncanny faculty of being able to get dirtier in +more places in the shortest space of time than any ten street children +picked at random could ever equal, life presents one long vista of +soap and suds. + +[Illustration: "THIS WAR IS GOING TO PUT A LOT OF CHINAMEN OUT OF +BUSINESS"] + +"You boys look so cute in your funny white uniforms," a girl said to +me the other day. "It must be so jolly wearing them." + +I didn't strike her, for she was easily ten pounds heavier than I was, +but I made it easily apparent that our relations would never progress +further than the weather vane. I used to affect white pajamas, the +same seeming to harmonize with the natural purity of my nature, but +after the war I fear I shall be forced to discontinue the practise in +favor of more lurid attire. However, I still believe that a bachelor +should never wear anything other than white pajamas or at the most +lavender, but this of course is merely a personal opinion. + + +_June 14th._ I have been hard put to-day. The Lord only knows what +trials and tribulations will be visited upon me next. At present I am +quite unnerved. To-day I was initiated into all the horrifying secrets +and possibilities of the bayonet, European style. Never do I remember +spending a more unpleasant half an hour. The instructor was a +resourceful man possessed of a most vivid imagination. Before he had +finished with us potential delicatessen dealers were lying around as +thick as flies. We were brushing them off. + +After several hair-raising exhibitions he formed us into two lines +facing each other and told us to begin. + +"Now lunge," he said, "and look as if you meant business." + +I glanced ingratiatingly across at my adversary. He was simply glaring +at me. Never have I seen an expression of greater ferocity. It was too +much. I knew for certain that if he ever lunged at me I'd never live +to draw another yellow slip. + +"Mister Officer," I gasped, pointing across at this blood-thirsty man, +"don't you think that he's just a little too close? I'm afraid I might +hurt him by accident." + +The officer surveyed the situation with a swift, practical eye. + +"Oh, I guess he can take care of himself all right," he replied. That +was just what I feared. + +The man smiled grimly. + +"But does he know that this is only practise?" I continued. "He +certainly doesn't look as if he did." + +"That's the way you should look," said the officer, "work your own +face up a bit. This isn't a vampire scene. Don't look as if you were +going to lure him. Y'know you're supposed to be angry with your +opponent when you meet him in battle, quite put out in fact. And +furthermore you're supposed to look it." + +I regarded my opponent, but only terror was written on my face. Then +suddenly we lunged and either through fear or mismanagement I +succeeded only in running my bayonet deep into the ground. In some +strange manner the butt of the gun jabbed me in the stomach and I was +completely winded. My opponent was dancing and darting around me like +a local but thorough-going lightning storm. I abandoned my gun and +stood sideways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger. Had the +exercises continued much longer I would have had a spell of something, +probably the blind staggers. + +[Illustration: "I STOOD SIDE-WAYS, THUS DECREASING THE POSSIBLE AREA +OF DANGER"] + +"You're not pole vaulting," said the instructor to me, as he returned +the gun. "In a real show you'd have looked like a pin cushion by this +time." I felt like one. + +Then it all started over again and this time I thought I was doing a +little better, when quite unexpectedly the instructor shouted at me. + +"Stop prancing around in that silly manner," he cried, "you're not +doing a sword dance, sonny." + +"He thinks he's still a show girl," some one chuckled, "he's that +seductive." + +Mess gear interrupted our happy morning. The sight of a knife fairly +sickened me. + + +_June 24th._ Last week I caught a liberty--a perfect Forty-three--and +went to spend it with some cliff dwelling friends of mine who, heaven +help their wretched lot! lived on the sixth and top floor of one of +those famous New York struggle-ups. Before shoving off there was some +slight misunderstanding between the inspecting officer and myself +relative to the exact color of my, broadly speaking, Whites. + +"Fall out, there," he said to me. "You can't go out on liberty in +Blues." + +"But these, sir," I responded huskily, "are not Blues; they're +Whites." + +"Look like Blues to me," he said skeptically. "Fall out anyway. You're +too dirty." + +For the first time in my life I said nothing at the right time. I just +looked at him. There was a dumb misery in my eyes, a mute, humble +appeal such as is practised with so much success by dogs. He couldn't +resist it. Probably he was thinking of the days when he, too, stood in +line waiting impatiently for the final formalities to be run through +before the world was his again. + +"Turn around," he said brokenly. I did so. + +"Fall in," he ordered, after having made a prolonged inspection of my +shrinking back. "I guess you'll do, but you are only getting through +on a technicality--there's one white spot under your collar." + +Officers are people after all, although sometimes it's hard to realize +it. This one, in imagination, I anointed with oil and rare perfumes, +and costly gifts I laid at his feet, while in a glad voice I called +down the blessings of John Paul Jones upon his excellent head. Thus I +departed with my kind and never did the odor of gasoline smell sweeter +in my nose than did the fumes that were being emitted by the impatient +flivver that waited without the gate. And sweet, too, was the fetid +atmosphere of the subway after the clean, bracing air of Pelham, +sweet was the smell of garlic belonging to a mustache that sat beside +me, and sweet were the buttery fingers of a small child who kept +clawing at me while their owner demanded of the whole car if I was a +"weal mavy sailor boy?" I didn't look it, and I didn't feel it, but I +had forty-three hours of freedom ahead of me, so what did I care? + +All went well with me until I essayed the six flight climb-up to the +cave of these cliff-dwelling people, when I found that the one-storied +existence I had been leading in the Pelham bungalows had completely +unfitted me for mountain climbing. As I toiled upward I wondered dimly +how these people ever managed to keep so fat after having mounted to +such a great distance for so long a time. Somehow they had done it, +not only maintained their already acquired fat but added greatly +thereto. There would be no refreshing cup to quaff upon arriving, only +water, or at best milk. This I knew and the knowledge added pounds to +my already heavy feet. + +"My, what a dirty sailor you are, to be sure," they said to me from +the depth of their plump complacency. + +"Quite so," I gasped, falling into a chair, "I seem to remember having +heard the same thing once before to-day." + + +_June 25th._ Neither Saturday nor Sunday was a complete success and +for a while Saturday afternoon assumed the proportions of a disaster. +After having rested from my climb, I decided to wash my Whites so that +I wouldn't be arrested as a deserter or be thrown into the brig upon +checking in. The fat people on learning of my intentions decided that +the sight of such labor would tire them beyond endurance, so they +departed, leaving me in solitary possession of their flat. I thereupon +removed my jumper, humped my back over the tub, scrubbed industriously +until the garment was white, then hastened roofwards and arranged it +prettily on the line. This accomplished, I hurried down, removed my +trousers, rehumped my back over the tub, scrubbed industriously until +the trousers in turn were white and once more dashed roofwards. I have +always been absent minded, but never to such an appalling extent as to +appear clad only in my scanty underwear in the midst of a mixed throng +of ladies, gentlemen and children. This I did. Some venturous souls +had claimed the roof as their own during my absence so that when I +sprang from the final step to claim my place in the sun I found myself +by no means alone. With a cry of horror I leaped to the other side of +the clothes-line and endeavored to conceal myself behind an old lady's +petticoat or a lady's old petticoat or something of that nature. +Whoever wore the thing must have been a very short person indeed, for +the garment reached scarcely down to my knees, below which my B.V.D.'s +fluttered in an intriguing manner. + +"Sir," thundered a pompous gentleman, "have you any explanation for +your surprising conduct?" + +"Several," I replied briskly from behind my only claim on +respectability. "In the first place, I didn't expect an audience. In +the second--" + +"That will do, sir," broke in this heavy person in a quarterdeck +voice. "Who, may I ask, are you?" + +"You may," I replied. "I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the +best he can to keep nice and clean in spite of the uncalled for +intervention of a red-faced oaf of a plumber person who should know +better than to stand around watching him." + +[Illustration: "I'M A GOD-FEARING SAILOR MAN WHO IS DOING THE BEST HE +CAN TO KEEP CLEAN"] + +"Don't take on so, George," said one of the women whom I suspected of +edging around in order to get a better view of me, "the poor young man +is a sailor--where is your patriotism?" + +"Yes," broke in the other woman, edging around on the other side, +"he's one of our sailor boys. Treat him nice." + +"Patriotic, I am," roared George wrathfully, "but not to the extent of +condoning and looking lightly upon such a flagrant breach of decency +as this semi-nude, so-called sailor has committed in our midst." + +"If you'd give me a couple of Thrift Stamps," I suggested, "I might be +able to come out from behind this blooming barrage." + +"Shameless," exploded the man. + +"Not at all," I replied, "in the olden days it was quite customary for +young gentlemen and elderly stout ones like yourself, for instance, to +drop in at the best caves with very much less on than I have without +any one considering their conduct in any degree irregular. In fact, +the ladies of this time were no better themselves, it being deemed +highly proper for them to appear in some small bit of stuff and nobody +thought the worst of it at all. Take the early days of the fifteenth +century B.C.--" + +At this point in my eloquent address a young child, who had hitherto +escaped my attention, took it upon herself to swing on the line with +the result that it parted with a snap and my last vestige of +protection came fluttering to the roof. For one tense moment I stood +gazing into the dilated eyes of those before me. Then with surprising +presence of mind, I sprang to a ladder that led to the water tank, +swarmed up it with the agility of a cat and lowered myself with a gasp +of despair into the cold, cold water of the tank. From this place of +security I gazed down on the man who had been responsible for my +unfortunate plight. I felt myself sinned against, and the longer I +remained in that water, up to my neck, the more I felt my wrongs. I +gave voice to them. I said bitter, abusive things to the man. + +"Clear the quarter deck," I shouted, "get aft, or, by gad, I'll come +fluttering down there on your flat, bald head like a blooming flood. +Vamoos, hombre, pronto--plenty quick and take your brood with you." +Then I said some more things as my father before me had said them, and +the man withdrew with his women. + +"He's a sailor," he said as he did so. "Hurry, my dears, this is worse +than nakedness." + +I emerged and sat in a borrowed bathrobe the rest of the evening. The +next morning my clothes were still damp. Now, that's what I call a +stupid way to spend a Saturday night on liberty. The fat people +enjoyed it. + + +_June 29th._ I met a very pleasant dog yesterday, whom I called Mr. +Fogerty because of his sober countenance and the benign but rather +puzzled expression in his large, limpid eyes, which were almost +completely hidden by his bangs. He was evidently a visitor in camp, so +I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and +several of the better sort of goats. In all of these he displayed a +friendly but dignified interest, seeming to question them on the life +of the camp, how they liked the Navy and what they thought were the +prospects for an early peace. He refused to be separated from me, +however, and even broke into the mess hall, from which he was +unceremoniously ejected, but not before he had gotten half of my +ration. In some strange manner he must have found out from one of the +other dogs my name and address and exactly where I swung, for in the +middle of the night I awoke to hear a lonesome whining in the darkness +beneath my hammock and then the sniff, sniff of an investigating nose. +As I know how it feels to be lonely in a big black barracks in the +dead of night I carefully descended to the deck and collected this +animal--it was my old friend, Mr. Fogerty, and he was quite overjoyed +at having once more found me. After licking my face in gratitude he +sat back on his haunches and waited for me to do something amusing. I +didn't have the heart to leave him there in the darkness. Dogs have a +certain way about them that gets me every time. I lifted Mr. Fogerty, +a huge hulk of a dog, with much care, and adjusting of overlapping +paws into my hammock, and received a kiss in the eye for my trouble. +Then I followed Mr. Fogerty into the hammock and resumed my slumber, +but not with much comfort. Mr. Fogerty is a large, sprawly dog, who +evidently has been used to sleeping in vast spaces and who sees no +reason for changing a lifelong habit. Consequently he considered me in +the nature of a piece of gratifying upholstery. He slept with his hind +legs on my stomach and his front paws propped against my chin. When he +scratched, as he not infrequently did, what I decided must be a flea, +his hind leg beat upon the canvas and produced a noise not unlike a +drum. Thus we slept, but through some miscalculation I must have slept +over, for it seems that the Master-at-arms, a very large and capable +Irishman, came and shook my hammock. + +[Illustration: "I TOOK HIM AROUND AND INTRODUCED HIM TO THE REST OF +THE DOGS AND SEVERAL OF THE BETTER SORT OF GOATS"] + +"Hit the deck there, sailor," he said, "shake a leg, shake a leg." + +At this point Mr. Fogerty took it upon himself to peer over the side +of the hammock to see who this disturber of peace and quiet could be. +This was just a little out of the line of duty for the jimmy legs, and +I can't say as I blame him for his conduct under rather trying +circumstances. Mr. Fogerty has a large, shaggy head, not unlike a +lion's, and his mouth, too, is quite large and contains some very long +and sharp teeth. It seems that Mr. Fogerty, still heavy with slumber, +quite naturally yawned into the horrified face of the Jimmy-legs, who, +mistaking the operation for a hostile demonstration, retreated from +the barracks with admirable rapidity for one so large, crying in a +distracted voice as he did so: + +"By the saints, it's a beast he's turned into during the night. Sure, +it's a visitation of Providence, heaven preserve us." + +It seems I have been washing hammocks ever since. Mr. Fogerty sits +around and wonders what it's all about. I like Fogerty, but he gets me +in trouble, and in this I need no help whatsoever. + +[Illustration: "I RESUMED MY SLUMBER, BUT NOT WITH MUCH COMFORT"] + + +_July 1st._ This day I almost succeeded in sinking myself for the +final count. The fishes around about the environs of City Island were +disappointed beyond words when I came up for the fourth time and +stayed up. In my delirium I imagined that school had been let out in +honor of my reception and that all the pretty little fishes were +sticking around in expectant groups cheering loudly at the thought of +the conclusion of their meatless days. Fortunately for the Navy, +however, I cheated them and saved myself in order to scrub many more +hammocks and white clothes, an object to which I seem to have +dedicated my life. + +It all come about, as do most drowning parties, in quite an unexpected +manner. For some reason it had been arranged that I should take a swim +over at one of the emporiums at City Island, and, as I interposed no +objections, I accordingly departed with my faithful Mr. Fogerty +tumbling along at my heels. Since Mr. Fogerty involved me in trouble +the other day by barking at the Jimmy-legs he has endeavored in all +possible ways to make up for his thoughtless irregularity. For +instance, he met me this morning with an almost brand new shoe which +in some manner he had managed to pick up in his wanderings. It fits +perfectly, and if he only succeeds in finding the mate to it I shall +probably not look for the owner. As a further proof of his good will +Mr. Fogerty bit, or attempted to bite, a P.O. who spoke to me +roughly regarding the picturesque way I was holding my gun. + +"Whose dog is that?" demanded the P.O. + +Silence in the ranks. Mr. Fogerty looked defiantly at him for a moment +and then trotted deliberately over and sat down upon my foot. + +"Oh, so he belongs to you!" continued the P.O. in a threatening voice. + +"No, sir," I faltered; "you see, it isn't that way at all. I belong to +Mr. Fogerty." + +"Who in--who in--who is Mr. Fogerty?" shouted the P.O. "And how +in--how in--how did _he_ happen to get into the conversation?" + +"Why, this is Mr. Fogerty," I replied; "this dog here, sitting on my +foot." + +"Oh, is that so?" jeered the P.O., a man noted for his quick retorts. +"Well, you take your silly looking dog away from here and secure him +in some safe place. He ain't no fit associate for our camp dogs. And, +furthermore," he added, "the next time Mr. Fogerty attempts to bite me +I'm going to put you on report--savez?" + +Mr. Fogerty is almost as much of a comfort in camp as mother. + +Well, that's another something else again and has nothing to do with +my swim and approximate drowning at City Island. Swimming has always +been one of my strong points, and I have taken in the past no little +pride in my appearance, not only in a bathing outfit, but also in the +water. However, the suit they provided me with on this occasion did +not show me up in a very alluring light. It was quite large and +evidently built according to a model of the early Victorian Era. I was +swathed in yards of cloth much in the same manner as is a very young +child. It delighted Mr. Fogerty, who expressed his admiration by +attaching himself to the lower half of my attire and remaining there +until I had waded through several colonies of barnacles far out into +the bay. Bidding farewell to Mr. Fogerty at this point, I gave myself +over to the joy of the moment and went wallowing along, giving a +surprising imitation of the famous Australian crawl. Far in the +distance I sighted an island, to which I decided to swim. This was a +very poor decision, indeed, because long before I had reached the +spot I was in a sinking condition owing to the great heaviness of my +suit and a tremendous slacking down of lung power. It was too late to +retreat to the shore; the island was the nearest point, and that +wasn't near. On I gasped, my mind teeming with cheerless thoughts of +the ocean's bed waiting to receive me. Just as I was about to shake +hands with myself for the last time I cleared the water from my eyes +and discovered that the island though still distant was not altogether +impossible. Therewith I discarded the top part of my suit and struck +out once more. The island was now almost within my grasp. Life seemed +to be not such a lost cause after all. Then suddenly, quite clearly, +just as I was about to pull myself up on the shore, I saw a woman +standing on the bank and heard her shouting in a very conventional +voice: + +"Private property! Private property!" + +I sank. This was too much. As I came up for the first count, and just +before I sank back beneath the blue, I had time to hear her repeat: + +"Private property! Please keep off!" + +I went down very quickly this time and very far. When I arose I saw as +though in a dream another woman standing by the first one and +seemingly arguing with her. + +"He's drowning!" she said. + +"I'm sure I can't help that!" the other one answered. And then in a +loud, imperious voice: + +"Private property! No visitors allowed!" + +The water closed over my head and stilled her hateful voice. + +"No," she was saying as I came up for the third time; "I can't do it. +If I make an exception of one I must make an exception of all." + +Although I hated to be rude about it, having always disliked forcing +myself upon people, I decided on my fourth trip down that unless I +wanted to be a dead sailor I had better be taking steps. It was almost +too late. There wasn't enough wind left in me to fatten a small sized +bubble. + +"There he is again!" she cried in a petulant voice as I once more +appeared. "Why doesn't he go away?" + +"He's just about to--for good!" said the other lady. With a pitiful +yap I struck out feebly in the general direction of the shore. It +wouldn't work. My arms refused to move. Then quite suddenly and +deliriously I felt two soft, cool arms enfold me, and my head sank +back on a delicately unholstered shoulder. Somehow it reminded me of +the old days. + +"Home, James," I murmured, as I was slowly towed to shore. Just before +closing my eyes I caught a fleeting glimpse of a young lady clad in +one of the one-piecest one-piece bathing suits I had ever seen. She +was bending over me sympathetically. + +"Private property!" cried my tormentor, shaking a finger at me. "What +a pity!" I thought as I closed my eyes and drifted off into sweet +dreams in which Mr. Fogerty, my beautiful rescuer, and myself were +dancing hand-and-hand on the parade ground to the music of the massed +band, much to the edification of the entire station assembled in +review formation. + +Presently I awoke to the hateful strains of this old hard-shell's +voice: + +"See what you've done!" she was saying to the young girl. "You've +brought in a half naked man, and now that he has seen you in a much +worse condition than he is, we'll have ten thousand sailors swimming +out to this island in one continuous swarm." + +"Oh, won't that be fun!" cried the girl. And from that time on, in +spite of the objections of her mother, we were fast friends. + +When I returned to shore it was in a rowboat with this fair young +creature. The faithful Fogerty was waiting on the beach for me, where, +it later developed, he had been sleeping quite comfortably on an +unknown woman's high powered sport hat, as is only reasonable. + + +_July 2nd._ Mother got in again. There seems to be no practical way of +keeping her out. This time she came breezing in with a friend from +East Aurora, a large, elderly woman of about one hundred and ten +summers and an equal number of very hard winters. The first thing +mother said was to the effect that she was going to see what she could +do about getting me a rating. She did. The very first officer she saw +she sailed up to and buttonholed much to my horror. + +"Why can't my boy Oswald have a pretty little eagle on his arm, such +as I see so many of the young men up here wearing about the camp?" + +The abruptness of this question left the officer momentarily stunned, +but I will say for him that he rallied quickly and returned a +remarkably diplomatic reply to the effect that the pretty little +eagle, although pleasing to gaze upon, was not primarily intended to +be so much of a decoration as means of identification, and that +certain small qualifications were required, as a rule, before one was +permitted to wear one of the emblems in question; qualifications, he +hastened to add, which he had not the slightest doubt that I failed to +possess if I was the true son of my mother, but which, owing to fate +and circumstances, I had probably been unable to exercise. Whereupon +he bid her a very courteous good-day, returned my salute, and passed +on, but not before the very old lady accompanying my mother saluted +also, raising her hand to her funny bit of a bonnet with unnecessary +snappiness and snickering in a senile manner. This last episode upset +me completely, but the old lady was irrepressible. From that time on +she punctuated her progress through the camp with exaggerated salutes +to all the officers she encountered on the way. This, of course, was +quite a startling and undignified performance for one of her years, +very embarrassing to me, as well as mystifying to the officers, who +hardly knew whether to hurl me into the brig as vicarious atonement or +to rebuke the flighty old creature, on the grounds of undue levity. +Most of them passed by, however, with averted eyes and a +discountenanced expression, feeling, I am sure, that I had put her up +to it. Mother thought it quite amusing, and enjoyed my discomfiture +hugely. Then for no particular reason she began to garnish her +conversation with inappropriate seagoing expressions, such as "Pipe +down," "Hit the deck," "Avast," and "Hello, Buddy!" Where she ever +picked up all this nonsense I am at a loss to discover, but she +continued to pull it to the bitter end. + +"Hello, Buddy!" was the way she greeted the Jimmy-legs of my barracks +after I had introduced her to him with much elaboration. This +completely floored the poor lad, and rendered him inarticulate. He +thinks now that I come from either a family of thugs or maniacs, +probably the latter. I succeeded in shaking the old thing for a while, +and when I next found her she was demonstrating the proper method of +washing whites to a group of sailors assembled in the wash room of one +of our most popular latrines. She was heading in the direction of the +shower baths when I finally rounded her up. She was a game old lady. +I'll have to hand her that. Her wildest escapade was reserved for the +end of her visit, when I took her over to the K. of C. hut, and she +challenged any sailor present to a game of pool for a quarter a ball. +When we told her that the sailors in the Navy never gambled she said +that she was completely off the service, and that she thought it was +high time that we learned to do something useful instead of singing +sentimental songs and weaving ourselves into intricate figures. This +remark forced us to it, and much against our wills we proceeded to +show the old lady up at pool. She had been bluffing all along, and +when it came to a showdown we found that she couldn't shoot for +shucks. When the news spread around the hut the sailors crowded about +her thick as thieves, challenging her to play. She was a wild, +unregenerated old lady, but she was by no means an easy mark, as it +later developed when she matched them for the winnings, got it all +back, and I am told by some sailors that she even left the hut a +little ahead of the game. I don't object to notoriety, but there are +numerous ways of winning it that are objectionable, and this old lady +was one. Mother must have been giddier in her youth than I ever +imagined. + + +_July 3d._ Yesterday I lost my dog Fogerty and didn't find him until +late in the afternoon. He was up in front of the First Regiment, +mustered in with the liberty party. When he discovered my presence he +looked coldly at me, as if he had never seen me before, so I knew that +he had a date. He just sat there and shook his bangs over his eyes and +tried to appear as if he were somewhere else. When the order come to +shove off he joined the party and trotted off without even looking +back, and that was the last I saw of him until this morning, when he +came drifting in, rather unsteadily, and regarded me with a shifty +but insulting eye. I am rapidly discovering hitherto unsuspected +depths of depravity in Mr. Fogerty, which leads me to believe that he +is almost human. + + +_July 4th._ This has been the doggonest Fourth of July I ever spent, +and as a result I am in much trouble. All day long I have been +grooming myself to look spic and span at the review held in honor of +the Secretary when he opened the new wing to the camp. I missed it. I +lost completely something in the neighborhood of ten thousand men. It +seems hard to do, but the fact, the ghastly fact, remains that I did +it. When I dashed out of the barracks with my newly washed, splendidly +seagoing, still damp white hat in my hand my company was gone, and the +whole camp seemed deserted. Far in the distance I heard the music of +the band. Fogerty looked inquiringly at me and I fled. He fled after +me. + +[Illustration: "I LOST COMPLETELY SOMETHING IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF +10,000 MEN"] + +"Fogerty," I gasped, "this is a trick I have to pull off alone. You're +not in on this review, and for God's sake act reasonable." + +I couldn't bear the thought of chasing across the parade ground with +that simple-looking dog bounding along at my heels. My remark had no +effect. Fogerty merely threw himself into high, and together we sped +in the direction of the music. It was too late. Thousands of men were +swinging past in review, and in all that mass of humanity there was +one small vacant place that I was supposed to fill. I crouched down +behind a tree and observed the scene through stricken eyes. How could +I possibly have managed to lose nearly ten thousand men? It seemed +incredible, and I realized then that I alone could have accomplished +such a feat. And I had been so nice and clean, too, and I had worked +so hard to be all of those things. I bowed my head in misery, and Mr. +Fogerty, God bless his dissolute soul, crept up to me and tried to +tell me it was all right, and didn't matter much anyway. I looked +down, and discovered that my snow white hat was all muddy. Fogerty sat +on it. + + +_July 8th._ As a result of my being scratched out of the Independence +day review I have been tried out as punishment in all sorts of +disagreeable positions, all of which I have filled with an +inefficiency only equaled by the bad temper of my over-lords. Some of +these tasks, one in particular was of such a ridiculous nature that I +refuse to enter it into my diary for an unfeeling posterity to jeer +at. I am willing to state, however, that the accomplishments of +Hercules, that redoubtable handy man of mythology, were trifling in +comparison with mine. + +To begin with, the coal pile is altogether too large and my back is +altogether too refined. There should be individual coal piles provided +for temperamental sailors. Small, colorful, appetizingly shaped mounds +of nice, clean, glistening chunks of coal they should be, and the coal +itself could easily be made much lighter, approaching if possible the +weight of feathers. This would be a task any reasonably inclined +sailor would attack with relish, particularly if his efforts were +attended by the strains of some good, snappy jazz. However, reality +wears a graver face and a sootier one. Long did I labor and valiantly +but to little effect. More coal fell off of my shovel than remained on +it. This was due to the unfortunate fact that coal dust seems to +affect me most unpleasantly, much in the same manner as daisies or +golden rod affect hay fever sufferers. The result was that every time +I had my shovel poised in readiness to hurl its burden into space a +monolithic sneeze overpowered me, shook me to the keel, and all the +coal that I had trapped with so much patience and cunning fell +miserably around my feet, from whence it had lately risen. Little +things like this become most discouraging when strung out for a great +period of time. In this manner I sneezed and sweated throughout the +course of a sweltering afternoon, and just as I was about to call it a +day along comes an evilly inclined coal wagon and dumps practically in +my lap one hundred times more coal than I had disturbed in the entire +course of my labors. On top of this Fogerty, who had been loafing +around all day with his tongue out disporting himself on the coal pile +like a dog in the first snow, started a landslide somewhere above and +came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust. I found myself buried +beneath the delighted Fogerty and a couple of tons of coal, from which +I emerged unbeamingly, but not before Mr. Fogerty had addressed his +tongue to my blackened face as an expression of high good humor. + +[Illustration: "FOGERTY CAME BEARING DOWN ON ME IN A CLOUD OF DUST"] + +"Take me to the brig," I said, walking over to the P.O., "I'm through. +You can put a service flag on that coal pile for me." + +"What's consuming you, buddy?" asked the P.O. in not an unkindly +voice. + +"Take me to the brig," I repeated, "it's too much. Here I've been +working diligently all day to reduce the size of this huge mass, when +up comes that old wagon and humps its back and belches forth its +horrid contents all over the place. It's ridiculous. I surrender my +shovel." + +"Gord," breathed the P.O., looking at me pityingly, "we don't want to +go and reduce that coal pile, we want to enlarge it." + +"Oh!" I replied, stunned, "I didn't quite understand. I thought you +wanted to make it smaller, so I've been trying to shovel it away all +afternoon." + +"You shouldn't oughter have done that," replied the P.O. as if he were +talking to an idiot, "I suppose you've been shoveling her down hill +all day?" + +I admitted that I had. + +"You see," I added engagingly, "I began with trying to shovel her up +hill, but the old stuff kept on rolling down on me, so I drew the +natural conclusion that I'd better shovel her down hill. It seemed +more reasonable and--" + +"Easier," suggested the P.O. + +"Yes," I agreed. + +There was a faraway expression in his eyes when he next spoke. "I'd +recommend you for an ineptitude discharge," he said, "if it wasn't for +the fact that I have more consideration for the civilian population. +I'd gladly put you in the brig for life if I could feel sure you +wouldn't injure it in some way. The only thing left for me to do is to +make you promise that you'll keep away from our coal pile and swear +never to lay violent hands on it again. You'll spoil it." + +I gazed up at the monumental mass of coal rearing itself like a +dark-town Matterhorn above my head and swore fervently never to molest +it again. + +"Go back to your outfit and get washed and tell your P.O. for me that +you can't come here no more, and," he added, as I was about to depart, +"take that unusual looking bit of animal life with you--it's all +wrong. Police his body or he'll ruin some of your pals' white pants +and they wouldn't like that at all." + +I feared they wouldn't. + +"Yes, sir," I replied in a crumpled voice, "Much obliged, sir." + +"Please go away now," he said quietly, "or I think I might do you an +injury." He was fingering the shovel nervously as he spoke. Thus +Fogerty and I departed, banished even from our dusky St. Helena. + + +_July 9th._ Working on the theory of opposites, I was next placed as a +waiter in the Chief Petty Officer's Mess over in the First Regiment. I +wasn't so good here, it seems. There was something wrong with my +technique. The coal pile had ruined me for delicate work. I +continually kept mistaking the plate in my hand for a shovel, a +mistake which led to disastrous results. I will say this for the +chiefs, however--they were as clean-cut, hard-eating a body of men as +I have ever met. It was a pleasure to feed them, particularly so in +the case of one chief, a venerable gentleman, who seemed both by his +bearing and the number of stripes on his sleeve to be the dean of the +mess. He ate quietly, composedly and to the point, and after I had +spilled a couple of plates of rations on several of the other chiefs' +laps he suggested that I call it a day and be withdrawn in favor of +one whose services to his country were not so invaluable as mine. +Appreciating his delicacy I withdrew, but only to be sent out on +another job that defies description. Even here I quickly demonstrated +my unfitness and have consequently been incorporated once more into +the body of my regiment. + + +_July 10th._ I had the most terrible experience in mess to-day when a +guy having eaten more rapidly than I attempted to take my ration. When +I told him he shouldn't do it he merely laughed brutally and kicked me +an awful whack on the shin. This injury, together with the sight of +witnessing my food about to be crammed down his predatory maw, +succeeded in bringing all my latent patriotism to the fore and I fell +upon him with a desperation bred of hunger. We proceeded to mill it up +in a rather futile, childish manner until the Master-at-arms suggested +in a certain way he has that we go away to somewhere else. Hereafter +if any one asks if I did any actual fighting in this war I am going to +say, "Yes, I fought like hell many hard and long battles in camp for +my ration," which will be true. + +"Say, buddy," said my opponent, after we had landed quite violently on +the exterior of the Mess Hall, "you didn't git no food at all, did +yer?" + +"No," I replied bitterly; "at all is right." + +He looked at me for a moment in a strange, studying manner, then began +laughing softly to himself. + +"I don't know what made me do it," he said more to himself than to me. +"I wasn't hungry no more. I didn't _really_ want it. I wonder what +makes a guy brutal? Guess he sort of has a feelin' to experiment with +himself and other folks." + +"I wish you'd tried that experiment on some one else," I replied, +thinking tenderly of my shin. + +"Sometimes I feel so doggon strong and mean," he continued, "I just +can't keep from doing things I don't naturally feel like doing. I +guess I'm sort of an animal." + +"Say," I asked him in surprise, "if you keep talking about yourself +that way I won't be able to call you all the names I am carefully +preparing at this moment." + +He peered earnestly down on me for a space. + +"Does my face make you talk that way?" I asked, feeling dimly and +uncomfortably that it did. + +"Yes," he replied, "it's your face, your foolish looking face. I can't +help feeling sorry for it and your funny empty little belly." + +"You're breaking me down," I answered; "I can't stand kindness." + +"I ain't no bully," he said fiercely, as if he was about to strike me. +"I ain't no bully," he repeated, "I'll tell you that." + +"No, sir," I replied soothingly, keeping on the alert, "you ain't no +bully." + +Here he took me by the arm and dragged me along with him. + +"Come on, buddy," he said, "I'm going to take you to the canteen and +feed you. I'm going to do it, I swear to God." + +So he fed me. Stacks and stacks of stuff he forced on me until the +flesh rebelled, after which he put things in my pockets, repeating +every little while, "I ain't no bully, I'll tell you that, I ain't no +bully." He spent most of his money, I reckon, but I did not try to +stop him. He wanted to do it and I guess it made him feel better. +After the orgy I took him around and let him pat Mr. Fogerty. He +seemed to like this. Fogerty took it in good part. + + +_July 11th._ There's something about Wednesday afternoons that doesn't +appeal to me. First they make you go away and dress yourself up nice +and clean and then they look you over and make you feel nearly as +childish as you look. Then they put a gun into your hand that is much +too heavy for comfort and make you do all sorts of ridiculous things +with this gun, after which you fall in with numerous thousands of +other men who have been subjected to the same treatment, and together +we all go trotting past any number of officers, who look you over with +uncanny earnestness through eyes that seem to perceive the remotest +defect with fiendish accuracy. Then we all trot home again and call it +a review. + +This is all very well for some people, but not for me. I'm a little +too self-conscious. I have always the feeling that I am the review, +that it has been staged particularly for my discomforture, and that +every officer in camp is on the lookout for any slight irregularity in +my clothes or conduct. In this they have little difficulty. I assist +them greatly myself. To-day, for instance: + +Item one: Dropped my gun. + +Item two: Talked in ranks. I asked the guy next to me how he would +like to go to a place and he said that he'd see me there first. + +Item three: Failed to follow the guide. + +Item four: Didn't mark time correctly. + +Item five: Was in step once. + +Now all of these things are trifling in themselves, but taken en +mass, as it were, it leads up to a sizable display; at least, so I was +told in words that denied any other interpretation by my P.O. and +several pals of his. After the review our regimental commander lined +us up and addressed us as follows: + +"About that review to-day," he began, "it was terrible" (long, +dramatic pause). "It was probably the worst review I have ever seen +(several P.O.'s glanced at me reproachfully), not only that," he +continued, "but it was the worst review that anybody has ever seen. +Anybody! (shouted) without exception! (shouted) awful review! (pause) +Terrible!" + +We steadied in the ranks and waited for our doom. + +"It will never be so again," he continued, "I'll see to that. I'll +drill ye myself. If you have to get up at four o'clock in the morning +to drill in order to meet your classes, I'll see that ye do it. +Dropping guns! (pause). Talking in ranks! (pause). Out-o-step +(terrible pause). Marking time wrong. Everything wrong! Company +commanders, take 'em away." + +We were took. + +"All of those things," said my P.O. in a trembling voice, "you did. +All of 'em. Now the old man's sore on us and he's going to give us +hell, and I'm going to do the same by you." + +"Shoot, dearie," says I, with the desperate indifference of a man who +has nothing left to lose, "I wouldn't feel natural if you didn't." + +And in my hammock that night I thought of another thing I might have +said if it had occurred to me in time. I might have said, "Hell is the +only thing you know how to give and you're generous with that because +it's free." + +But I guess after all it's just as well I didn't. + + +_August 1st._ Mr. Fogerty has returned aboard. My worst fears are +realized. For a long time he has been irritable and uncommunicative +with me and has indulged in sly, furtive little tricks unbecoming to a +dog of the service. I have suspected that he was concealing a love +affair from me. This it appears he has been doing and his guilt is +heavy upon him. I realize now for the first time and not without a +sharp maternal pang that he has reached an age at which he must make +decisions for himself. I can no longer follow him out into the world +upon his nocturnal exploits. His entire confidence is not mine. I must +be content to share a part of his heart instead of the whole of it. +Like father like son, I suppose. However, I see no reason for him to +put on such airs. On his return from City Island this time he had +somehow contrived to get himself completely shaved up to the +shoulders. The result is startling. Fogerty looks extremely +aristocratic but a trifle foppish. However, he seems to consider +himself the only real four-footed dog in camp. This is a trifle boring +from a dog who has never hesitated to steal from the galley anything +that wasn't a permanent fixture. I can't help but feel sorry for him +though when I see that far-away look in his eyes. Sad days I fear are +in store for him. Ah, well, we're only young once. + + +_August 3d._ "Well, now, son," he was saying, "mind me when I tell yer +that I'm not claiming as to ever have seen a mermaid, but what I am +saying is this and that is if anybody has ever seen one of them things +I'm that man. I'm not making no false claims, however, none +whatsoever." + +I carefully placed my shovel against the wheelbarrow and seating +myself upon a stump prepared to listen to my companion. He was a chief +of many cruises and for some unaccountable reason had fixed on me as +being a suitable recipient for his discourse. One more hash mark on +his arm would have made him look like a convict. I listened and in the +meanwhile many mounds of sand urgently in need of shoveling remained +undisturbed. Upon this sand I occasionally cast a reflective and +apprehensive eye. The chief, noticing this, nudged me in the ribs with +an angular elbow. + +"Don't mind that, sonny," he said, "I'll pump the fear-o'-God into the +heart of any P.O. what endeavors to disturb you. Trust me." + +I did. + +"Now getting back to this mermaid," he began in a confidential voice, +"what I say as I didn't claim to have saw. It happened this way and +what I'm telling you, sonny, is the plain, unvarnished facts of the +case, take 'em or leave 'em as you will. They happened and I'm here to +tell the whole world so." + +"I have every confidence in you, chief," I replied mildly. + +"It is well you have," he growled, scanning my face suspiciously. +"It's well you have, you louse." + +"Why, chief," I exclaimed in an aggrieved voice, "isn't that rather an +unappetizing word to apply to a fellow creature?" + +"Mayhap, young feller," he replied, "mayhap. I ain't no deep sea +dictionary diver, I ain't, but all this has got nothing to do with +what I was about to tell you. It all happened after this manner, +neither no more nor no less." + +He cleared his throat and gazed with undisguised hostility across the +parade ground. Thus he began: + +"It was during the summer of 1888, some thirty odd years ago," quoth +he. "I was a bit young then, but never such a whey face as you, +certainly not." + +"Positively," said I, in hearty agreement. + +"At that time," he continued, not noticing my remark, "I was resting +easy on a soft job between cruises as night watchman on one of them +P.O. docks at Dover. The work warn't hard, but it was hard enough. I +would never have taken it had it not been for the unpleasant fact that +owing to some little trouble I had gotten into at one of the pubs my +wife was in one of her nasty, brow-beating moods. At these times the +solitude and the stars together with the grateful companionship of a +couple of buckets of beer was greatly to be preferred to my little old +home. So I took the job and accordingly spent my nights sitting with +my back to a pile, my legs comfortably stretched out along the rim of +the dock and a bucket of beer within easy reach." + +"Could anything be fairer than that?" said I. + +"Nothing," said he, and continued. "Well, one night as I was sitting +there looking down in the water as a man does when his mind is empty +and his body well disposed, I found myself gazing down into two +glowing pools that weren't the reflections of stars. Above these two +flecks of light was perched a battered old leghorn hat after the style +affected in the music halls of those days. Floating out back of this +hat on the water was a long wavery coil of filmy hair, the face was +shaded, but two long slim arms were thrust out of the water toward me, +and following these arms down a bit I was shocked and surprised to +find that further than the hat the young lady below me was apparently +innocent of garments. Now I believe in going out with the boys when +the occasion demands and making a bit of a time of it, but my folks +have always been good, honest church people and believers in good, +strong, modest clothing and plenty of 'em. I have always followed +their example." + +"Reluctantly and at a great distance," said I. + +"Not at all," said he and continued. "So when I sees the condition the +young lady was in I was naturally very much put out and I didn't +hesitate telling her so. + +"'Go home,' says I, 'and put your clothes on. You ought to be ashamed +of yourself--a great big girl like you.' + +"'Aw, pipe down, old grizzle face,' says she; 'wot have you got in the +bucket?' And if you will believe me she began raising herself out of +the water. 'Give me some,' says she. + +"'Stop,' I cries out exasperated; 'stop where you are; you've gone far +enough. For shame.' + +"'I'll come all the way out,' says she, laughing, 'unless you give me +some of wot you got in that bucket.' + +"'Shame,' I repeated, 'ain't you got no sense of decency?' + +"'None wot so ever,' she replied, 'but I'm awfully thirsty. Gimme a +drink or out I'll come.' + +"Now you can see for yourself that I couldn't afford to have a woman +in her get-up sitting around with me on the end of a dock, being +married as I was and my folks all good honest church folks, and bright +moon shining in the sky to boot, so I was just naturally forced to +give in to the brazen thing and reach her down the bucket, a full one +at that. It came back empty and she was forwarder than ever. + +"'Say,' she cries out, swimming around most exasperatingly, 'you're a +nice old party. What do your folks know you by?' + +"I told her my name was none of her business and that I was a married +man and that I wished she'd go away and let me go on with my night +watching. + +"'I'm married too,' says she, in a conversational tone, 'to an awful +mess. You're pretty fuzzy, but I'd swap him for you any day. Come on +into the sea with me and we'll swim down to Gold Fish Arms and stick +around until we get a drink. I know lots of the boys down there. There +ain't no liquor dealers where I come from,' and with this if you will +believe me she flips a bucket full of water into my lap with the +neatest little scale spangled tail you ever seen. + +"'No,' says I, 'my mind's made up. I ain't agoing to go swimming +around with no semi-stewed, altogether nude mermaid. It ain't right. +It ain't Christian.' + +"'I got a hat,' says she reflectively, 'and I ain't so stewed but wot +I can't swim. Wot do you think of that hat? One of the boys stole it +from his old woman and gave it to me. Come on, let's take a swim.' + +"'No,' says I, 'I ain't agoing.' + +"'Just 'cause I ain't all dolled up in a lot of clothes?' says she. + +"'Partly,' says I, 'and partly because you are a mermaid. I ain't +agoing messing around through the water with no mermaid. I ain't never +done it and I ain't agoing to begin it now.' + +"'If I get some clothes on and dress all up pretty, will you go +swimming with me then?' she asks pleadingly. + +"'Well that's another thing,' says I, noncommittal like. + +"'All right,' says she, 'gimme something out of that other bucket and +I'll go away. Come on, old sweetheart,' and she held up her arms to +me. + +"Well, I gave her the bucket and true to form she emptied it. Then she +began to argue and plead with me until I nearly lost an ear. + +"'No,' I yells at her, 'I ain't agoing to spend the night arguing with +a drunken mermaid. Go away, now; you said you would.' + +"'All right, old love,' she replies good-naturedly, 'but I'll see you +again some time. I ain't ever going home again. I hate it down there.' +And off she swims in an unsteady manner in the direction of the Gold +Fish Arms. She was singing and shouting something terrible. + + "'Oh, bury me not on the lonesome prairie + Where the wild coyotes howl o'er me,' + +was the song she sang and I wondered where she had ever picked it up. + +"Well," continued the chief, "to cast a sheep shank in a long line, +these visits kept up every evening until I was pretty near drove +distracted. Along she'd come about sun-down and stick around devilin' +me and drinking up all my grog. After a while she began calling for +gin and kept threatening me until I just had to satisfy her. She also +made me buy her a brush and comb, a mouth organ and a pair of +spectacles, together with a lot of other stuff on the strength of the +fact that if I refused she would make a scene. In this way that doggon +mermaid continually kept me broke, for my wage warn't enough to make +me heavy and I had my home to support. + +"'Don't you ever go home?' I asked her one night. + +"'No,' she replied, 'I ain't ever going back home. I don't like it +down there. There ain't no liquor dealers.' + +"'But your husband,' exclaims I. 'What of him?' + +"'I know,' says she, 'but I don't like him and I'm off my baby, too. +It squints,' says she. + +"'But all babies squint,' says I. + +"'Mine shouldn't,' says she. 'It ain't right.' + +"Then one night an awful thing happened. My wife came down to the dock +to find out how I spent all my money. It was a bright moon-lit night +and this lost soul of a mermaid was hanging around, particularly +jilled and entreating. I was just in the act of passing her down the +gin flask and she was saying to me, 'Come on down, old love; you know +you're crazy about me,' when all of a sudden I heard an infuriated +shriek behind me and saw my wife leaning over the dock shaking an +umbrella at this huzzy of a mermaid. Oh, son," broke off the Chief, +"if you only knew the uncontrolled violence and fury of two contending +women. Nothing you meet on shipboard will ever equal it. I was +speechless, rocked in the surf of a tumult of words. And in the midst +of it all what should happen but the husband of the mermaid pops out +of the water with a funny little bit of a merbaby in his arms. + +"'Go home at once, sir,' screams my wife, 'and put on your clothes.' + +"'I will,' he shouts back, 'if my wife will come along with me.' + +"He was a weazened up little old man with a crooked back. Not very +prepossessing. I could hardly blame his wife. + +"'So that bit of stuff is your wife, is it?' cries out my old lady, +and with that she began telling him her past. + +"'I know it,' says the little old merman at last, almost crying; 'I +know it, but I ain't got no control over her whatsoever. I've been +trying to get her to come home for the last fortnight, but she just +won't leave off going around with the sailors. The whole beach is +ashamed of her. It's general talk down below. What can I do? The +little old coral house is going to wrack and ruin and the baby ain't +been properly took care of since she left. What am I going to do, +madam? What am I going to do? I'm well nigh distracted.' + +"But his wife was too taken up with the gin bottle to pay much heed to +his pitiful words. She just kept flirting around in the water and +singing snatches of bad sailor songs she'd picked up around the docks. + +"'Take her home,' said my wife, 'take her home, you weakling, by +force.' + +"'But I can't when she's in this condition. I got a child in my arms.' + +"'Give me the baby,' said my wife, with sudden determination. 'I'll +take care of it until to-morrow night when you can come back here and +get it.' + +"He handed the flopping little thing up to my wife and turned to the +mermaid. + +"'Lil,' he says to her, holding out his arms to her, 'Lil, will you +come home?' + +"Lil swims up to him then and takes him by the arm and looks at him +for a long time. + +"'Kiss me, Archie,' she says suddenly, 'I don't mind if I do,' and +flipping a couple of pounds of water upon the both of us on the pier, +she pulls him under the water laughing and that's the last I saw of +either of them. Now I ain't asaying as I have ever seen a mermaid mind +you," continued the chief, "but what I do say is that if any man has +ever seen one I'm the man." + +"I understand perfectly," said I, "and what, chief, became of the +baby?" + +"Oh, the baby," said the chief, thoughtful like; "the baby--well, you +see, about that baby--" he gazed searchingly around the landscape for +a moment before replying. + +"Oh, the baby," he said suddenly, as if greatly relieved, "well, my +wife took the baby home and kept it in the bathtub for a couple of +days after which she returned it in person to its father. She made me +give up my job. It did squint, though," said the chief, as he got up +to go, "ever so little." + +I turned to my shovel. + +"But I ain't saying as I have ever seen a mermaid," he said, turning +back in his tracks, "all I'm saying is that--" + +"I know, Chief," I said wearily, "I fully appreciate your delicacy and +fairness. You're not the man to make any false claims." + +"No, sir, not I," he replied, as he walked slowly away. + + +_August 5th._ In order to distract Mr. Fogerty's attention from his +love affair and in a sort of desperate endeavor to win him back to me +I took him away on my last liberty with me. Fogerty doesn't come under +the heading of a lap dog, but through some technical quibble I managed +to smuggle him into the subway. All he did there was to knock over one +elderly lady and lick her face effusively when he had gotten her down. +This resulted in a small but complete panic. For the most part, +however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed at those around him. At +last we reached Washington Square, whereupon I proceeded to take Mr. +Fogerty around and show him off to my friends. He was well received, +but his heart wasn't with us. It was far away in City Island. + +[Illustration: "FOR THE MOST PART, HOWEVER, HE SAT QUIETLY ON MY LAP +AND SNIFFED"] + +At one restaurant we ran into a female whose hair was nearly as short +as Fogerty's. She was holding forth on the Silence of the Soul vs. the +Love Impulse, the cabbage or some other plant. Fogerty listened to her +for a while and then bit her. He did it quietly, but I thought it best +to take him away. + +After supper we went up to another place for coffee, a fine little +place for sailormen, situated on the south side of the square. Here +we were received with winning cordiality and Fogerty was given a fried +egg, a dish of which he is passionately fond. But even here he got +into trouble by putting one of his great feet through a Ukulele, which +isn't such a terrible thing to do, except in certain places. + +Getting back to the station was a crisp little affair. Fogerty and +myself rose at five and went forth to the shuttle. The subway was a +madhouse. We shuttled ourselves to death. At 5.30 we were at the Times +Square end of the shuttle, at 5.45 we were at Williams, at 6 o'clock +we had somehow managed to get ourselves on the east side end of the +shuttle, five minutes later we were back at Times Square, ten minutes +later we were over on the east side once more. At 6.15 I lost Fogerty. +At 6.25 I was back at Times Square. "Hello, buddy," said the guard, +"you back again? Here's your dog." + +At 7 o'clock we were at Van Cortlandt Park, at 8 we were at +Ninety-sixth Street, 9 o'clock found us laboring up to the gate of the +camp, with a written list of excuses that looked like the schedule of +a flourishing railroad. It was accepted, much to our surprise. + + +_Aug. 7th._ I have a perfectly splendid idea. Of course, like the rest +of my ideas it won't work, but it is a perfectly splendid idea for all +that. I got it while traveling on the ferry boat from New York to +Staten Island--the longest sea voyage I have had since I joined the +Navy. On this trip, strangely thrilling to a sailor in my situation, +but which was suffered with bored indifference by the amphibious +commuters that infest this Island in those waters, I saw a number of +ships so gaudily and at the same time so carelessly painted that any +God-fearing skipper of the Spanish Main would positively have refused +to command. Captain Kidd himself would have blushed at the very sight +of this ribald fleet and turned away with a devout imprecation. + +This was my first experience with camouflage, and it impressed me most +unfavorably. An ordinary ship on a grumbling ocean is difficult enough +as it is to establish friendly relations with, but when trigged out in +this manner--why serve meals at all, say I. Nevertheless it occurred +to me that it would not be a bad idea at all to camouflage one's +hammock in such a manner that it took upon itself the texture and +appearance of the bulkhead of the barracks in which it was swung. In +this manner a sailor could sleep undisturbed for three weeks if he so +desired (and he does), without ever being technically considered a +deserter. + +One could elaborate this idea still further and make one's sea bag +look like a clump of poison ivy, so that no inspecting officer would +ever care to become intimate with its numerous defects in cleanliness. +One might even go so far as to camouflage oneself into a writing desk +so that when visiting the "Y" or the "K-C" and unexpectedly required +to sing one would not be forced to rise and scream impatiently and +threateningly "Dear Mother Mine" or "Break the News to Mother." Not +that these songs are not things of rare beauty in themselves, but +after a day on the coal pile one's lungs have been sufficiently +exercised to warrant relief. This is merely an idea of mine, and now +that everybody knows about it I guess there isn't much use in going +ahead with it. + + +_Aug. 8th._ "This guide i-s l-e-f-t!" shouted the P.O., and naturally +I looked around to see what had become of the poor fellow. + +"Keep your head straight. Eyes to the front! Don't move! Whatcha +lookin' at?" + +"I was looking for the guide that was left," says I timidly. "It seems +to me that he is always being left." + +"Company dismissed," said the P.O. promptly, showing a wonderful +command of the situation under rather trying circumstances, for the +boo-hoo that went up from the men after my remark defied all +restraints of discipline. + +"Say, Biltmore," says the P.O. to me a moment later, "I'm going to see +if I can't get you shipped to Siberia if you pull one of them bum +jokes again. You understand?" + +"But I wasn't joking," I replied innocently. + +"Aw go on, you sly dog," said he, nudging me in the ribs, and for some +strange reason he departed in high good humor, leaving me in a greatly +mystified frame of mind. + +Speaking of getting shipped, I have just written a very sad song in +the style of the old sentimental ballads of the Spanish war days. It's +called "The Sailor's Farewell," and I think Polly will like it. I +haven't polished it up yet, but here it is as it is: + + A sailor to his mother came and said, "Oh, mother dear, + I got to go away and fight the war. + So, mother, don't you cry too hard, and don't you have no fear + When you find that I'm not sticking 'round no more." + + "My boy," the sweet old lady said, "I hate to see you go. + I've knowed you since when you was but a kid, + But if the question you should ask, I'll tell the whole world so-- + It's the only decent thing you ever did." + + A tear she brushed aside, + And then she sadly cried: + + CHORUS + + "I'm proud my boy's a sailor man what sails upon the sea. + I've always liked him pretty well although he is so dumb. + For years he's stuck around the house and disappointed me. + I thought that he was going to be a bum." + + He took her gently by the hand and kissed her on the bean + And said, "When I'm about to fight the Hun + You shouldn't talk to me that way; I think it's awfully mean-- + I ain't agoin' to have a lot of fun." + + "I know, my child," the mother said. "The parting makes me sad, + But go you must away and fight the war. + At least you will not live to drink as much as did your dad-- + So here's your lid, my lad, and there's the door." + + Then as he turned away + He heard her softly say: + + CHORUS + + "The sailors I have ever loved. I'm glad my lad's a gob, + Although it seems to me he's much too dumb. + But after all perhaps he isn't such an awful slob-- + I always knew that Kaiser was a bum!" + + +_Aug. 9th._ The best way to make a deserter of a man is to give him +too much liberty. For the past week I have been getting my dog Fogerty +on numerous liberty lists when he shouldn't have been there, but not +contented with that he has taken to going around with a couple of +yeomen, and the first thing I know he will be getting on a special +detail where the liberty is soft. I put nothing past that dog since he +lost his head to some flop-eared huzzy with a black and tan +reputation. + + +_Aug. 10th._ All day long and a little longer I have been carrying +sacks of flour. The next time I see a stalk of wheat I am going to +snarl at it. This new occupation is a sort of special penance for not +having my hammock lashed in time. It seems that I have been in the +service long enough to know how to do the thing right by now, but the +seventh hitch is a sly little devil and always gets me. I need a +longer line or a shorter hammock, but the only way out of it that I +can see is to get a commission and rate a bed. + +[Illustration: "I CARRIED ALL THE FLOUR TO-DAY THAT WAS RAISED LAST +YEAR IN THE SOUTHERN SECTION OF THE STATE OF MONTANA"] + +I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the +southern section of the State of Montana, and I was carrying it well +and cheerfully until one of my pet finger nails (the one that the +manicure girls in the Biltmore used to rave about) thrust itself +through the sack and precipitated its contents upon myself and the +floor. A commissary steward when thoroughly aroused is a poisonous +member of society. One would have thought that I had sunk the great +fleet the way this bird went on about one little sack of flour. + +"Here Mr. Hoover works hard night and day all winter," he sobs at me, +"and you go spreading it around as if you were Marie Antoinette." + +I wondered what new scandal he had about Marie Antoinette, but I held +my peace. My horror was so great that the real color of my face made +the flour look like a coat of sunburn in comparison. + +"There's enough flour there," he continued reproachfully, pointing to +the huge mound of stuff in which I stood like a lost explorer on a +snow-capped mountain peak and wishing heartily that I was one, +"there's enough flour," he continued, "to keep a chief petty officer +in pie for twenty-four hours." + +"Just about," thought I to myself. + +"Well," he cried irritably, "pick it up. Be quick. Pick it up--all of +it!" + +"Pick it up," I replied through a cloud of mist, "you can't pick up +flour. You can pick up apples and pears and cabbages and cigarette +butts for that matter, but you can't pick up flour." + +The commissary steward suddenly handed me a piece of paper upon which +he had been writing frantically. + +"Take this to your P.O.," he said shrilly, "and take yourself along +with it. + +"A defect in the sack," I gasped, departing. + +"And there's a defect in you," he shouted after me, "your brain is +exempted." + +"Take this man and kill him if you can find any slight technical +excuse for it," the note ran, "and if you can't kill him, give him an +inaptitude discharge with my compliments, and if you are unable to do +either of these two things, at least keep him away from my outfit. We +don't want to see his silly face around here any more at all." + +The P.O. read it to me with great delight. + +"I guess we'll have to send you to Siberia after all," he said +thoughtfully, "only that country is in far too delicate a condition +for you to meddle with at present. Go away to somewhere where I can't +see you," he continued bitterly, "for I feel inclined to do you an +injury, something permanent and serious." I went right away. + + +_Aug. 11th._ Mother has just paid one of her belligerent visits to the +camp, and as a consequence I am on the point of having a flock of +brainstorms. Some misguided person had been telling her about the +Officer Training School up here, and she arrived fired with the +ambition to enter me into that institution without further delay. +True to form, she bounded headlong into the matter without consulting +my feelings by accosting the very first commissioned officer she met. +He happened to be an Ensign, but he might as well have been a +Vice-Admiral for all Mother cared. + +"Tell me, young man," she said to this Ensign, going directly to the +point, "do you see any reason why my boy Oswald should not go to that +place where they make all the Ensigns?" + +"Yes," said the officer firmly, "I do." + +"Oh, you do," snapped Mother angrily, "and pray tell me what that +reason might be?" + +"Your son Oswald," replied the Ensign laconically. + +"What!" exclaimed Mother, "you mean to say that my Oswald is not good +enough to go to your silly old school?" + +"No," replied the Ensign, weakening pitifully before the withering +fury of an aroused mother, "but you see, my dear madam, he has not a +first class rating." + +"Fiddlesticks!" said Mother. + +"Crossed anchors," replied the Ensign. + +"I didn't mean that," continued Mother, "I think the whole thing is +very mysterious and silly, and I'm not going to let it stop here. You +can trust me, Oswald," she went on soothingly. "I am going to see the +Commander of the station myself. I am going this very instant." + +"But, Mother," I cried in desperation, tossing all consequences to the +wind, "the 'skipper' isn't on the station to-day. He got a 43-hour +liberty. I saw him check out of the gate myself." + +For a moment the Ensign's jaw dropped. I watched him anxiously. Then +with perfect composure he turned to Mother and came through like a +little gentleman. + +"Yes, madam," he stated, "your son is right. I heard his name read out +with the liberty party only a moment ago. He has shoved off by now." + +I could have kissed that Ensign. + +"Well, I'm sure," said Mother, "it's very funny that I can never get +to the Captain. I shall write him, however." + +"He must have an interesting collection of your letters already," I +suggested. "They would be interesting to publish in book form." + +"Anyway," continued Mother, apparently not attending to my remark, "I +think you would look just as well as this young man in one of those +nice white suits." + +"No doubt, madam," replied the Ensign propitiatingly, "no doubt." + +"Come, Mother," said I, "let's go to the Y.M.C.A. I need something +cool to steady my nerves." + +"How about your underwear?" said Mother, coming back to her mania, in +a voice that invited all within earshot who were interested in my +underwear to draw nigh and attend. + +"Here, eat this ice cream," I put in quickly, almost feeding her. +"It's melting." + +But Mother was not to be decoyed away from her favorite topic. + +"I must look it over," she continued firmly. + +It seemed to me that every eye in the room was calmly penetrating my +whites and carefully looking over the underwear in which Mother took +such an exaggerated interest. "Socks!" suddenly exploded Mother. "How +are you off for socks?" + +"Splendidly," I said in a hoarse voice. A girl behind me snickered. + +"And have you that liniment to rub on your stomach when you have +cramps?" she went on ruggedly. + +"Enough to last through the Fall season," I replied in a moody voice. +I didn't tell her that Tim the barkeep had tried to drink it. + +"Polly!" suddenly exclaimed Mother. "Polly! Why, I forgot to tell you +that she said that she would be up this afternoon. She must be here +now." + +The world swam around me. Polly was my favorite sweetie. + +"Oh, Mother!" I cried reproachfully, "how could you have forgotten?" + +At that moment I heard a familiar voice issuing from the corner, and +turning around, I caught sight of the staff reporter of the camp +paper, a notoriously unscrupulous sailor with predatory proclivities. +He had gotten Polly in a corner and was chinning the ear off of her. +As I drew near I heard him saying: + +"Really it's an awful pity, but I distinctly remember him saying that +he was going away on liberty to-day. He mentioned some girl's name, +but it didn't sound anything at all like yours." + +Polly looked at him trustfully. + +"Are you sure, Mr.----" + +"Savanrola," the lying wretch supplied without turning a hair. + +"Are you sure, Mr. Savanrola, that he has left the station?" + +"Saw him check out with my own eyes," he said calmly. + +I moved nearer, my hands twitching. + +"Now with an honest old seafaring man like myself," he continued, in a +confidential voice, "it's different. Why, if I should wear all the +hash marks I rate I'd look like a zebra. So I just don't wear any. You +know how it is. But when I like a girl I stick to her. Now from the +very first moment I laid eyes on you--" + +Human endurance could stand no more. I threw myself between them. + +"Why, here's Oswald hisself," exclaimed the reporter with masterfully +feigned surprise. "However did you get back so soon?" + +"I have never been away anywhere to get back from, and you know it," I +replied coldly. + +"Strange!" he said, "I could have sworn that I saw you checking out. +Can I get you some ice cream?" he added smoothly. + +"What on?" I replied bitterly, knowing him always to be broke. + +"Your mother must have--" + +"Come," said I to Polly, "leave this degraded creature to ply his +pernicious trade alone. I have some very important words to say to +you." + +"Good-by, Mr. Savanrola," said Polly. + +"Until we meet again," answered the reporter, with the utmost +confidence. + + +_Aug. 12th._ It's all arranged. Those words I had to say to Polly were +not spoken in vain. She has promised to be my permanent sweetie. Of +course, I have had a number of transit sweeties in the past, but now +I'm going to settle down to one steady, day in and day out sweetie. I +told Tim, the barkeep, about it last night and all he said was: + +"What about all those parties we'd planned to have after we were paid +off?" + +This sort of set me back for the moment. The spell of Polly's eyes had +made me forget all about Tim. + +"Well, Tim," I replied, "I'll have to think about that. Come on over +to the canteen and I'll feed you some of those honest, upstanding +sandwiches they have over there." + +"Say," says Tim, the carnal beast, forgetting everything at the +prospect of food, "I feel as if I could cover a flock of them without +trying." + +So together Tim and I had a bachelor's dinner over the sandwiches, +which were worthy of that auspicious occasion. + + +_Aug. 17th._ We were standing on a street corner of a neighboring +town. The party consisted of Tim the barkeep, the "Spider," an +individual who modestly acknowledged credit for having brought relief +to several over-crowded safes in the good old civilian days; Tony, who +delivered ice in my district also in those aforementioned days, and +myself. These gentlemen for some time had been allowing me to exist in +peace, and I had been showing my gratitude by buying them whatever +little dainties they desired, but such a comfortable state of affairs +could not long continue with that bunch. Suddenly, without any +previous consultation, as if drawn together as it were by some +fiendish undercurrent, they decided to make me unhappy--me, the only +guy that spoke unbroken English in the crowd. This is the way they +accomplished their low ends. When the next civilian came along they +all of them shouted at me in tones that could be heard by all +passers-by: + +"Here comes a 'ciwilian,' buddy; he'll give you a quarter." + +"Do you need some money, my boy?" said the old gentleman to me in a +kindly voice. + +"No, sir," I stammered, getting red all over, "thank you very much, +but I really don't need any money." + +Ironical laughter from my friends in the background. + +"Oh, no," cries Tim sarcastically, "he don't need no money. Just watch +him when he sees the color of it." + +"Don't hesitate, my son," continued the kind old man, "if you need +anything I would be glad to help you out." + +"No, sir," I replied, turning away to hide my mortification, +"everything is all right." + +"Poor but proud," hisses the "Spider." The old gentleman passed on, +sorely perplexed. + +For some time I was a victim of this crude plot. When I tried to move +away they followed me around the streets, crying after me: + +"Any 'ciwilian' will give you a quarter. Go on an' ask them." + +Several ladies stopped and asked if they could be of any service to +me. I assured them that they couldn't, but all the time these low +sailors whom I had been feeding lavishly kept jeering and intimating +that I was fooling and would take any amount of money offered me from +a dime up. This shower of conflicting statements always left the +kindhearted people in a confused frame of mind and broke me up +completely. I had to chase one man all the way down the street and +hand him back the quarter he had thrust into my hand. My friends never +forgave me for this. + +At length, tiring of their sport, they desisted and stood gloomily on +the curb as sailors do, looking idly at nothing. + +"It don't look like we was ever going to get a hitch," said the +"Spider," after we had abandonedly offered ourselves to several +automobiles. + +At that moment a huge machine rolled heavily by. + +"There goes a piece of junk," said Tim. The lady in the machine must +have heard him, for the car came to and she motioned for us to get in. + +"Going our way?" she asked, smiling at us. + +"Thanks, lady," replies Tim, elbowing me aside as he climbed aboard. + +"Dust your feet," I whispered to Tony as he was about to climb in. + +"Whatta you mean, dusta my feet?" shouted Tony wrathfully, "you go +head an' dusta your feet! I look out for my feet all right." + +"What did he want yer to do, Tony?" asked Tim in a loud voice. + +"Dusta my feet," answered Tony, greatly injured. + +"What yer doin', Oswald?" asks Tim sarcastically, "tryin' to drag us +up?" + +"I only spoke for the best," I answered, sick at heart. + +"Ha! ha!" grated Tim, "guess you think we ain't never rode in one of +these wealthy wagons before." + +"Arn't you rather young?" asked the lady soothingly of the "Spider," +who by virtue of his mechanical experience in civil life had been +given a first class rating, "Arn't you rather young to have so many +things on your arm?" + +"Yes," answered the "Spider" promptly, "but I kin do a lot of tricks." + +The conversation languished from this point. + +"We always take our boys to dinner, don't we, dear?" said the lady to +her husband a little later. + +"Yes, dear," he answered meekly, just like that. + +Expectant silence from the four of us. + +"Have you boys had dinner?" the lady asked. + +"Certainly not," we cried, with an earnestness that gave the lie to +our statement, "no dinner!" + +"None at all," added Tim thoughtfully. + +The automobile drew up at a 14k. plate-glass house that fairly made +the "Spider" itch. + +"Gosh," he whispered to me, looking at the porch, "that wouldn't be +hard for me." + +During the dinner he kept sort of lifting and weighing the silver and +then looking at me and winking in an obvious manner. + +"Not many people here to-night," said Tony from behind his plate. + +"Why, there is the usual number," said the husband in surprise, "my +wife and myself live alone." + +"Oh," said Tony, looking around at the tremendous dining hall, "I +thought this was a restaurant." + +[Illustration: "'OH,' SAID TONY, 'I THOUGHT THIS WAS A RESTAURANT'"] + +Tim started laughing then, and he hasn't stopped yet. He's so proud he +didn't make the mistake himself. + +The "Spider" didn't open his mouth save for the purpose of eating. He +told me he was afraid his teeth would chatter. + + +_Aug. 20th._ Got a letter from Polly to-day. She says that her finger +is just itching for the ring. I told the "Spider" about it and he said +that he had several unset stones he'd let me have for next to +nothing. A good burglar is one of the most valuable friends a man can +possess. + + +_Sept. 3d._ I had such a set-back to-day. Never was I more confounded. +This morning I received a notice to report before the examining board +for a first class rating. Of course I had been expecting some slight +recognition of my real worth for a long time, but when the blow fell I +was hardly prepared for it. Hurrying to "My Blue Jacket's Manual," I +succeeded by the aid of a picture in getting firmly in my mind the +port and starboard side of a ship and then I presented myself before +the examiners--three doughty and unsmiling officers. There were about +twelve of us up for examination. Seating ourselves before the three +gentlemen, we gazed upon them with ill-concealed trepidation. One of +them called the roll in a languid manner, and then without further +preliminaries the battle began, and I received the first shock of the +assault. I don't quite remember the question that man asked me, it was +all too ghastly at the time, but I think it was something like this: + +"What would you do if you were at the wheel in a dense fog and you +heard three whistles on your port beam, four whistles off the +starboard bow, and a prolonged toot dead ahead?" + +"I would still remain in a dense fog," I gasped in a low voice. + +"Speak up!" snapped the officer. + +"Full speed ahead and jumps," whispered a guy next to me. It sounded +reasonable. I seized upon it eagerly. + +"I'd put full steam ahead and jump, sir," I replied. + +"Are you mad?" shouted the amazed officer. + +"No, sir," I hastened to assure him, "only profoundly perplexed. I +think, sir, that I would go into a conference, under the +circumstances." + +The officer seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown. + +"What's your name?" asked another officer suddenly. + +I told him. + +"Initials?" + +I told him. He looked at the paper for a moment. + +"That explains it," he said with a sigh of relief, "you're not the +man. There has been some mistake. Orderly, take this man away and +bring back the right one. Pronto!" + +That Spanish stuff sounds awfully sea-going. I was taken away, but the +officer had not yet recovered. He regarded me with an expression of +profound disgust. Anyway I created a sensation. + +[Illustration: "'I WOULD STILL REMAIN IN A DENSE FOG,' I GASPED IN A +LOW VOICE"] + + +_Sept. 4th._ Things have been happening with overwhelming rapidity. On +the strength of being properly engaged to Polly, my permanent sweetie, +I went to my Regimental commander this morning and applied for a +furlough. He regarded me pityingly for a moment and then carefully +scanned a list of names on the desk before him. + +"I am sorry," he said finally, "but not only am I not able to grant +your request, but I have the unpleasant duty to inform you that you +are a little less than forty-eight hours from the vicinity of Ambrose +light." + +"Shipped!" I gasped as the world swam around me. + +"Your name is on this list," said the officer not unkindly. + +"Shipped!" I repeated in a dazed voice. + +"It does seem ridiculous, I'll admit," said the officer, smiling, "but +you never can tell what strange things are going to happen in the +Navy. If I were in your place I'd take advantage of this head start I +have given you and get my clothes and sea-bag in some sort of +condition. If I remember rightly, you have never been able +successfully to achieve this since you've been in the service." + +"Thank you, sir," I gasped, and bolted. In my excitement I ran +violently into a flock of ensigns stalking across the parade ground. + +"I'm going to be shipped," I cried by way of explanation to one of +them as he arose wrathfully. + +"You're going to be damned," said he, and I was. Too frantic to write +more. + + +_Sept. 5th._ All preparations have been made. Tim, Tony and the Spider +are going too. I have just been listening to the most disturbing +conversation. It all arose from our speculating as to our probable +destination and the nature of our services. The Master-at-arms, who +had been sleeping on the hammock rack as only a Master-at-arms can, +permitted himself to remain awake long enough to join in. + +"I wouldn't be at all surprised," said he, "if you were shipped to +one of these new Submarine Provokers." + +"What's that?" I asked uneasily. + +"Why, it's a sort of a dee-coy," said he, stretching his huge hulk, "a +little, unarmed boat that goes messing around in the ocean until it +finds a submarine and then it provokes it." + +"How's that?" asked Tim. + +"Why, you see," continued the jimmy-legs, "it just sort of steams back +and forth in front of the submarine, just steams slowly back and forth +in front of the submarine until it provokes it." + +"Ah!" said I, taking a deep breath. + +"Yes," he continues cheerfully, "and the more you provoked the +submarine why the harder it shoots at you, so of course it doesn't +notice the real Submarine Sinker coming up behind it. See the +tactics." + +"Oh," says I, "we just provoke the submarine until it loses its temper +and the other boat sinks it." + +"That's it," says the jimmy-legs, "you just sort of steam back and +forth in front of it slowly." + +"How slowly?" asks the Spider. + +"Very," replied the jimmy-legs. + +"No guns at all?" asks Tim. + +"None," says he. + +"A regular little home," suggests Tony. + +"Sure," says the jimmy-legs, "nothing to do at all but steam slowly +back--" + +"For God's sake don't dwell on that point any more!" I cried. "We +understand it perfectly." + +"A regular lil' home," muttered Tim as he began to stow his bag. + +(Later) I write these lines with horror. Some one has told me that the +Navy needs Powder tasters, something I'd never heard of before, and +that perhaps--that's what we are going to be used for. All you have to +do, this guy says, is to taste the powder to see if it's damp or dry +and if it's damp you take it away and bake it. This sounds worse than +the Submarine Provoker. + +(Still later) Rumor is rife. The latest report is that we are going to +be Mine Openers. + +"What's a Mine Opener?" I asked my informant. + +"Why, it's a guy," says he, "that picks up the mines floating around +his boat, but only the German mines of course, and opens them to see +if they are as dangerous as they look. Some are not half as dangerous +as they look," he continues easily, "some are not quite so dangerous +and of course some are a great deal more so. But they are all +dangerous enough." + +"My dear chap," I replied, turning away miserably, "a pinwheel is +quite dangerous enough for me." + + +_Sept. 6th._ This is being written from the gate. My bag and hammock +are beside me. Tim lashed them together for me so they wouldn't come +undone. We are waiting for the truck. Tony in his excitable way wants +to kiss the guard good-by. The guard doesn't want him to. My last +moments at Pelham have been hectic. The doctor said I looked one +hundred per cent better than when I came in, but that wasn't enough. +If you didn't look at me very closely you wouldn't know that I was +such an awful dub. This is progress at any rate. The telephone wires +between mother's house and the camp were dripping wet with tears when +I phoned her that I was being shipped. However, she braced up and said +she was proud of me and said she hoped I'd tell the captain good-by +and thank him for all he has done. I assured her I would do this, or +at least leave a note. Polly was a trump. The Spider talked to her and +said that he was going to save the best uncut stone for her that he +had ever bitten out of a ring. The Spider has been very valuable to us +all. He seems to have the uncanny faculty of being able to take the +cloth straps off other people's clothes right before their eyes. +Consequently we are well supplied. At present he's looking at the +handle of the gate in a musing way. I think he would like to have it +as a souvenir. Here comes the truck. Pelham is about to lose its most +useless recruit. I must tuck these priceless pages in my money belt. +Wish I had a picture of Polly. Well, here's to the High Adventure, but +there's something about that Submarine Provoker I can't quite get used +to. It seems just a trifle one sided. However, that is in the lap of +the gods. Instead of a camp I will soon have the vast expanses of the +ocean in which to demonstrate my tremendous inability to emulate the +example of one John Paul Jones. + +"Bear a hand there, buddy," the P.O. has just cried at me. + +"Buddy" I came in and "buddy" I go out. We're off! I can dimly +distinguish Mr. Fogerty, that unscrupulous dog that abandoned my bed +and board for a couple of influential yeomen. Farewell, Fogerty, may +your evil ways never bring you to grief. I do wish I had a picture of +my Sweetie. + +[Illustration: "'BUDDY' I CAME IN AND 'BUDDY' I GO OUT"] + +[Illustration: BILTMORE OSWALD and FOGARTY] + + +THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Biltmore Oswald, by J. Thorne Smith, Jr. + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILTMORE OSWALD *** + +***** This file should be named 16634.txt or 16634.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/3/16634/ + +Produced by Geetu Melwani and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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