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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15966-8.txt b/15966-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..461698b --- /dev/null +++ b/15966-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9419 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Voyage of Consolation, by Sara Jeannette Duncan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Voyage of Consolation + (being in the nature of a sequel to the experiences of 'An + American girl in London') + +Author: Sara Jeannette Duncan + +Release Date: June 1, 2005 [EBook #15966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION *** + + + + +Produced by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries +(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto), Suzanne Lybarger, +Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. (www.pgdp.net) + + + + + + VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION + + BOOKS BY MRS. EVERARD COTES + (SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN). + + UNIFORM EDITION. + + * * * * * + + A Voyage of Consolation. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + His Honour, and a Lady. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + The Story of Sonny Sahib. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00. + + Vernon's Aunt. + With many Illustrations. 12mo. Cloth, $1.25. + + A Daughter of To-Day. + A Novel. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + A Social Departure. + HOW ORTHODOCIA AND I WENT ROUND THE WORLD BY OURSELVES. + With 111 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75 + cents; cloth, $1.75. + + An American Girl in London. + With 80 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75 + cents; cloth, $1.50. + + The Simple Adventures of a Memsahib. + With 37 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + * * * * * + +New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue. + +[Illustration: "Jamais!" (see Page 156.)] + + + + +A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION + +(BEING IN THE NATURE OF A SEQUEL TO THE EXPERIENCES OF "AN AMERICAN GIRL +IN LONDON") + +BY + +SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN (MRS. EVERARD COTES) + +AUTHOR OF + +A SOCIAL DEPARTURE, AN AMERICAN GIRL IN LONDON, A DAUGHTER OF TO-DAY, +VERNON's AUNT, THE STORY OF SONNY SAHIB, HIS HONOUR AND A LADY, ETC. + +[Illustration] + +_ILLUSTRATED_ + + +NEW YORK + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + +1898 + +Copyright, 1897, 1898, + +BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. + + FACING + PAGE + + "Jamais!" _Frontispiece_ + + Momma was enjoying herself 36 + + "I expect you've seen these before" 45 + + Breakfast with Dicky Dod 99 + + "Are you paid to make faces?" 140 + + We followed the monks 169 + + Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen 189 + + We were sitting in a narrow balcony 194 + + "I'm not a crowned head!" 208 + + "Do you see?" 256 + + Fervent apologies 265 + + "Whom _are_ you going to marry?" 322 + + + + +A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +It seems inexcusable to remind the public that one has written a book. +Poppa says I ought not to feel that way about it--that he might just as +well be shy about referring to the baking soda that he himself +invented--but I do, and it is with every apology that I mention it. I +once had such a good time in England that I printed my experiences, and +at the very end of the volume it seemed necessary to admit that I was +engaged to Mr. Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale College, Connecticut. I +remember thinking this was indiscreet at the time, but I felt compelled +to bow to the requirements of fiction. I was my own heroine, and I had +to be disposed of. There seemed to be no alternative. I did not wish to +marry Mr. Mafferton, even for literary purposes, and Peter Corke's +suggestion, that I should cast myself overboard in mid-ocean at the mere +idea of living anywhere out of England for the future, was +autobiographically impossible even if I had felt so inclined. So I +committed the indiscretion. In order that the world might be assured +that my heroine married and lived happily ever afterwards, I took it +prematurely into my confidence regarding my intention. The thing that +occurred, as naturally and inevitably as the rain if you leave your +umbrella at home, was that within a fortnight after my return to Chicago +my engagement to Mr. Page terminated; and the even more painful +consequence is that I feel obliged on that account to refer to it again. + +Even an American man has his lapses into unreasonableness. Arthur +especially encouraged the idea of my going to England on the ground that +it would be so formative. He said that to gaze upon the headsman's block +in the Tower was in itself a liberal education. As we sat together in +the drawing-room--momma and poppa always preferred the sitting-room when +Arthur was there--he used to gild all our future with the culture which +I should acquire by actual contact with the hoary traditions of Great +Britain. He advised me earnestly to disembark at Liverpool in a +receptive and appreciative, rather than a critical and antagonistic, +state of mind, to endeavour to assimilate all that was worth +assimilating over there, remembering that this might give me as much as +I wanted to do in the time. I remember he expressed himself rather +finely about the only proper attitude for Americans visiting England +being that of magnanimity, and about the claims of kinship, only once +removed, to our forbearance and affection. He put me on my guard, so to +speak, about only one thing, and that was spelling. American spelling, +he said, had become national, and attachment to it ranked next to +patriotism. Such words as "color," "program," "center," had obsolete +English forms which I could only acquire at the sacrifice of my +independence, and the surrender of my birthright to make such +improvements upon the common language as I thought desirable. And I know +that I was at some inconvenience to mention "color," "program," and +"center," in several of my letters just to assure Mr. Page that my +orthography was not in the least likely to be undermined. + +Indeed, I took his advice at every point. I hope I do not presume in +asking you to remember that I did. I know I was receptive, even to penny +buns, and sometimes simply wild with appreciation. I found it as easy as +possible to subdue the critical spirit, even in connection with things +which I should never care to approve of. I shook hands with Lord +Mafferton without the slightest personal indignation with him for being +a peer, and remember thinking that if he had been a duke I should have +had just the same charity for him. Indeed, I was sorry, and am still +sorry, that during the four months I spent in England I didn't meet a +single duke. This is less surprising than it looks, as they are known to +be very scarce, and at least a quarter of a million Americans visit +Great Britain every year; but I should like to have known one or two. As +it was, four or five knights--knights are very thick--one baronet, Lord +Mafferton, one marquis--but we had no conversation--one colonel of +militia, one Lord Mayor, and a Horse Guard, rank unknown, comprise my +acquaintance with the aristocracy. A duke or so would have completed the +set. And the magnanimity which I would so willingly have stretched to +include a duke spread itself over other British institutions as amply as +Arthur could have wished. When I saw things in Hyde Park on Sunday that +I was compelled to find excuses for, I thought of the tyrant's iron +heel; and when I was obliged to overlook the superiorities of the titled +great, I reflected upon the difficulty of walking in iron heels without +inconveniencing a prostrate population. I should defy anybody to be more +magnanimous than I was. + +As to the claims of kinship, only once removed, to our forbearance and +affection, I never so much as sat out a dance on a staircase with Oddie +Pratte without recognising them. + +It seems almost incredible that Arthur should not have been gratified, +but the fact remains that he was not. Anyone could see, after the first +half hour, that he was not. During the first half hour it is, of course, +impossible to notice anything. We had sunk to the level of generalities +when I happened to mention Oddie. + +"He had darker hair than you have, dear," I said, "and his eyes were +blue. Not sky blue, or china blue, but a kind of sea blue on a cloudy +day. He had rather good eyes," I added reminiscently. + +"Had he?" said Arthur. + +"But your noses," I went on reassuringly, "were not to be compared with +each other." + +"Oh!" said Arthur. + +"He _was_ so impulsive!" I couldn't help smiling a little at the +recollection. "But for that matter they all were." + +"Impulsive?" asked Arthur. + +"Yes. Ridiculously so. They thought as little of proposing as of asking +one to dance." + +"Ah!" said Arthur. + +"Of course, I never accepted any of them, even for a moment. But they +had such a way of taking things for granted. Why one man actually +thought I was engaged to him!" + +"Really!" said Arthur. "May I inquire----" + +"No, dear," I replied, "I think not. I couldn't tell anybody about +it--for his sake. It was all a silly mistake. Some of them," I added +thoughtfully, "were very stupid." + +"Judging from the specimens that find their way over here," Arthur +remarked, "I should say there was plenty of room in their heads for +their brains." + +Arthur was sitting on the other side of the fireplace, and by this time +his expression was aggressive. I thought his remark unnecessarily +caustic, but I did not challenge it. + +"_Some_ of them were stupid," I repeated, "but they were nearly all +nice." And I went on to say that what Chicago people as a whole thought +about it I didn't know and I didn't care, but so far as _my_ experience +went the English were the loveliest nation in the world. + +"A nation like a box of strawberries," Mr. Page suggested, "all the big +ones on top, all the little ones at the bottom." + +"That doesn't matter to us," I replied cheerfully, "we never get any +further than the top. And you'll admit there's a great tendency for +little ones to shake down. It's only a question of time. They've had so +much time in England. You see the effects of it everywhere." + +"Not at all. By no means. _Our_ little strawberries rise," he declared. + +"Do they? Dear me, so they do! I suppose the American law of gravity is +different. In England they would certainly smile at that." + +Arthur said nothing, but his whole bearing expressed a contempt for +puns. + +"Of course," I said, "I mean the loveliest nation after Americans." + +I thought he might have taken that for granted. Instead, he looked +incredulous and smiled, in an observing, superior way. + +"Why do you say 'ahfter'?" he asked. His tone was sweetly acidulated. + +"Why do you say 'affter'?" I replied simply. + +"Because," he answered with quite unnecessary emphasis, "in the part of +the world I come from everybody says it. Because my mother has brought +me up to say it." + +"Oh," I said, looking at the lamp, "they say it like that in other parts +of the world too. In Yorkshire--and such places. As far as _mothers_ go, +I must tell you that momma approves of my pronunciation. She likes it +better than anything else I have brought back with me--even my +tailor-mades--and thinks it wonderful that I should have acquired it in +the time." + +"Don't you think you could remember a little of your good old American? +Doesn't it seem to come back to you?" + +All the Wicks hate sarcasm, especially from those they love, and I +certainly had not outgrown my fondness for Mr. Page at this time. + +"It all came back to me, my dear Arthur," I said, "the moment you opened +your lips!" + +At that not only Mr. Page's features and his shirt front, but his whole +personality seemed to stiffen. He sat up and made an outward movement on +the seat of his chair which signified, "My hat and overcoat are in the +hall, and if you do not at once retract----" + +"Rather than allow anything to issue from them which would imply that I +was not an American I would keep them closed for ever," he said. + +"You needn't worry about that," I observed. "Nothing ever will. But I +don't know why we should _glory_ in talking through our noses." +Involuntarily I played with my engagement ring, slipping it up and +down, as I spoke. + +Arthur rose with an expression of tolerant amusement--entirely +forced--and stood by the fireplace. He stood beside it, with his elbow +on the mantelpiece, not in front of it with his legs apart, and I +thought with a pang how much more graceful the American attitude was. + +"Have you come back to tell us that we talk through our noses?" he +asked. + +"I don't like being called an Anglomaniac," I replied, dropping my ring +from one finger to another. Fortunately I was sitting in a rocking +chair--the only one I had not been able to persuade momma to have taken +out of the drawing-room. The rock was a considerable relief to my +nerves. + +"I knew that the cockneys on the other side were fond of inventing +fictions about what they are pleased to call the 'American accent,'" +continued Mr. Page, with a scorn which I felt in the very heels of my +shoes, "but I confess I thought you too patriotic to be taken in by +them." + +"Taken in by them" was hard to bear, but I thought if I said nothing at +this point we might still have a peaceful evening. So I kept silence. + +"Of course, I speak as a mere product of the American Constitution--a +common unit of the democracy," he went on, his sentences gathering wrath +as he rolled them out, "but if there were such a thing as an American +accent, I think I've lived long enough, and patrolled this little Union +of ours extensively enough, to hear it by this time. But it appears to +be necessary to reside four months in England, mixing freely with earls +and countesses, to detect it." + +"Perhaps it is," I said, and I _may_ have smiled. + +"I should hate to pay the price." + +Mr. Page's tone distinctly expressed that the society of earls and +countesses would be, to him, contaminating. + +Again I made no reply. I wanted the American accent to drop out of the +conversation, if possible, but Fate had willed it otherwise. + +"I sai, y'know, awfly hard luck, you're havin' to settle down amongst +these barbarians again, bai Jove!" + +I am not quite sure that it's a proper term for use in a book, but by +this time I was _mad_. There was criticism in my voice, and a distinct +chill as I said composedly, "You don't do it very well." + +I did not look at him, I looked at the lamp, but there was that in the +air which convinced me that we had arrived at a crisis. + +"I suppose not. I'm not a marquis, nor the end man at a minstrel show. +I'm only an American, like sixty million other Americans, and the +language of Abraham Lincoln is good enough for me. But I suppose I, like +the other sixty million, emit it through my nose!" + +"I should be sorry to contradict you," I said. + +Arthur folded his arms and gathered himself up until he appeared to +taper from his stem like a florist's bouquet, and all the upper part of +him was pink and trembling with emotion. Arthur may one day attain +corpulence; he is already well rounded. + +"I need hardly say," he said majestically, "that when I did myself the +honour of proposing, I was under the impression that I had a suitable +larynx to offer you." + +"You see I didn't know," I murmured, and by accident I dropped my +engagement ring, which rolled upon the carpet at his feet. He stooped +and picked it up. + +"Shall I take this with me?" he asked, and I said "By all means." + +That was all. + +I gave ten minutes to reflection and to the possibility of Arthur's +coming back and pleading, on his knees, to be allowed to restore that +defective larynx. Then I went straight upstairs to the telephone and +rang up the Central office. When they replied "_Hello_," I said, in the +moderate and concentrated tone which we all use through telephones, "Can +you give me New York?" + +Poppa was in New York, and in an emergency poppa and I always turn to +one another. There was a delay, during which I listened attentively, +with one eye closed--I believe it is the sign of an unbalanced intellect +to shut one eye when you use the telephone, but I needn't go into +that--and presently I got New York. In a few minutes more I was +accommodated with the Fifth Avenue Hotel. + +"Mr. T.P. Wick, of Chicago," I demanded. + +"_Is his room number Sixty-two?_" + +That is the kind of mind which you usually find attached to the New York +end of a trans-American telephone. But one does not bandy words across a +thousand miles of country with a hotel clerk, so I merely responded: + +"Very probably." + +There was a pause, and then the still small voice came again. + +"_Mr. Wick is in bed at present. Anything important?_" + +I reflected that while I in Chicago was speaking to the hotel clerk at +half-past nine o'clock, the hotel clerk in New York was speaking to me +at eleven. This in itself was enough to make our conversation +disjointed. + +"Yes," I responded, "it is important. Ask Mr. Wick to get out of bed." + +Sufficient time elapsed to enable poppa to put on his clothes and come +down by the elevator, and then I heard: + +"_Mr. Wick is now speaking_." + +"Yes, poppa," I replied, "I guess you are. Your old American accent +comes singing across in a way that no member of your family would ever +mistake. But you needn't be stiff about it. Sorry to disturb you." + +Poppa and I were often personal in our intercourse. I had not the +slightest hesitation in mentioning his American accent. + +"_Hello, Mamie! Don't mention it. What's up? House on fire? Water pipes +burst? Strike in the kitchen? Sound the alarm--send for the +plumber--raise Gladys's wages and sack Marguerite_." + +"My engagement to Mr. Page is broken. Do you get me? What do you +suggest?" + +I heard a whistle, which I cannot express in italics, and then, +confidentially: + +"_You don't say so! Bad break?_" + +"Very," I responded firmly. + +"_Any details of the disaster available? What?_" + +"Not at present," I replied, for it would have been difficult to send +them by telephone. + +I could hear poppa considering the matter at the other end. He coughed +once or twice and made some indistinct inquiries of the hotel clerk. +Then he called my attention again. + +"_Hello!_" he said. "_On to me? All right. Go abroad. Always done. +Paris, Venice, Florence, Rome, and the other places. I'll stand in. +Germanic sails Wednesdays. Start by night train to-morrow. Bring momma. +We can get Germanic in good shape and ten minutes to spare. Right?_" + +"Right," I responded, and hung up the handle. I did not wish to keep +poppa out of bed any longer than was necessary, he was already up so +much later than I was. I turned away from the instrument to go down +stairs again, and there, immediately behind me, stood momma. + +"Well, really!" I exclaimed. It did not occur to me that the privacy of +telephonic communication between Chicago and New York was not +inviolable. Besides, there are moments when one feels a little annoyed +with one's momma for having so lightly undertaken one's existence. This +was one of them. But I decided not to express it. + +"I was only going to say," I remarked, "that if I had shrieked it would +have been your fault." + +"I knew everything," said momma, "the minute I heard him shut the gate. +I came up immediately, and all this time, dear, you've been confiding in +us both. My dear daughter." + +Momma carries about with her a well-spring of sentiment, which she did +not bequeath to me. In that respect I take almost entirely after my +other parent. + +"Very well," I said, "then I won't have to do it again." + +Her look of disappointment compelled me to speak with decision. "I know +what you would like at this juncture, momma. You'd like me to get down +on the floor and put my head in your lap and weep all over your new +brocade. That's what you'd really enjoy. But, under circumstances like +these, I never do things like that. Now the question is, can you get +ready to start for Europe to-morrow night, or have you a headache coming +on?" + +Momma said that she expected Mrs. Judge Simmons to tea to-morrow +afternoon, that she hadn't been thinking of it, and that she was out of +nerve tincture. At least, these were her principal objections. I said, +on mature consideration, I didn't see why Mrs. Simmons shouldn't come to +tea, that there were twenty-four hours for all necessary thinking, and +that a gallon of nerve tincture, if required, could be at her disposal +in ten minutes. + +"Being Protestants," I added, "I suppose a convent wouldn't be of any +use to us--what do you think?" + +Momma thought she could go. + +There was no need for hurry, and I attended to only one other matter +before I went to bed. That was a communication to the _Herald_, which I +sent off in plenty of time to appear in the morning. It was addressed to +the Society Editor, and ran as follows: + +"The marriage arranged between Professor Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale +University, and Miss Mamie Wick, of 1453, Lakeside-avenue, Chicago, will +not take place. Mr. and Mrs. Wick, and Miss Wick, sail for Europe on +Wednesday by s.s. Germanic." + +I reflected, as I closed my eyes, that Arthur was a regular reader of +the _Herald_. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +We met poppa on the Germanic gangway, his hat on the back of his head +and one finger in each of his waistcoat pockets, an attitude which, with +him, always betokens concern. The vessel was at that stage of departure +when the people who have been turned off are feeling injured that it +should have been done so soon, and apparently only the weight of poppa's +personality on its New York end kept the gangway out. As we drove up he +appeared to lift his little finger and three dishevelled navigators +darted upon the cab. They and we and our trunks swept up the gangway +together, which immediately closed behind us, under the direction of an +extremely irritated looking Chief Officer. We reunited as a family as +well as we could in connection with uncoiled ropes and ship discipline. +Then poppa, with his watch in his hand, exclaimed reproachfully, well in +hearing of the Chief Officer, "I gave you ten minutes and you _had_ ten +minutes. You stopped at Huyler's for candy, I'll lay my last depreciated +dollar on it." + +My other parent looked guiltily at some oblong boxes tied up in white +paper with narrow red ribbon, which, innocently enough I consider, +enhance the value of life to us both. But she ignored the charge--momma +hates arguments. + +"Dear me!" she said, as the space widened between us and the docks. "So +we are all going to Europe together this morning! I can hardly realise +it. Farewell America! How interesting life is." + +"Yes," replied poppa. "And now I guess I'd better show you your cabins +before it gets any more interesting." + +We had a calm evening, though nothing would induce momma to think so, +and at ten o'clock Senator J.P. Wick and I were still pacing the deck +talking business. The moon rose, and threw Arthur's shadow across our +conversation, but we looked at it with precision and it moved away. That +is one of poppa's most comforting characteristics, he would as soon open +his bosom to a shot-gun as to a confidence. He asked for details through +the telephone merely for bravado. As a matter of fact, if I had begun to +send them he would have rung off the connection and said it was an +accident. We dipped into politics, and I told the Senator that while I +considered his speech on the Silver Compromise a credit to the family on +the whole, I thought he had let himself out somewhat unnecessarily at +the expense of the British nation. + +"We are always twisting a tail," I said reproachfully, "that does +nothing but wag at us." + +This poppa reluctantly admitted with the usual reference to the Irish +vote. We both hoped sincerely that any English friends who saw that +speech, and paused to realise that the orator was a parent of mine, +would consider the number of Irish resident in Illinois, and the amount +of invective which their feelings require. Poppa doesn't really know +sometimes whether he is himself or a shillelagh, but whatever his +temporary political capacity he is never ungrateful. He went on to give +me the particulars of his interview with the President about the Chicago +Post Office, and then I gradually unfolded my intention of preparing our +foreign experiences as a family for publication in book form. While I +was unfolding it poppa eyed me askance. + +"Is that usual?" he inquired. + +"Very usual indeed," I replied. + +"I mean--under the circumstances?" + +"Under what circumstances?" I demanded boldly. I knew that nothing would +induce him to specify them. + +"Oh, I only meant--it wasn't exactly my idea." + +"What was your idea--exactly?" It was mean of me to put poppa to the +blush, but I had to define the situation. + +"Oh," said he, with unlooked-for heroism, "I was basing my calculations +with reference to you on the distractions of change--Paris dry-goods, +rowing round Venice in gondolas, riding through the St. Gothard tunnel, +and the healing hand of time. I don't intend to give a day less than six +weeks to it. I'm looking forward to the tranquilising effect of the +antique some myself," he added, hedging. "I find these new self-risers +that we've undertaken to carry almost more than my temperament can +stand. They went up from an output of five hundred dollars to six +hundred and fifty thousand, and back again inside seven days last month. +I'm looking forward to examining something that hasn't moved for a +couple of thousand years with considerable pleasure." + +"Poppa," said I, ignoring the self-risers, "if you were as particular +about the quality of your fiction as you are about the quality of your +table-butter, you would know that the best heroines never have recourse +to such measures now. They are simply obsolete. Except for my literary +intention, I should be ashamed to go to Europe at all--under the +circumstances. But that, you see, brings the situation up to date. I +transmit my European impressions through the prism of damaged affection. +Nothing could be more modern." + +"I see," replied poppa, rubbing his chin searchingly, which is his +manner of expressing sagacious doubt. His beard descends from the lower +part of his chin in the long unfettered American manner, without which +it is impossible for _Punch_ to indicate a citizen of the United States. +When he positively disapproves he pulls it severely. + +"But Europe's been done before, you know," he continued. "In fact, I +don't know any continent more popular than Europe with people that want +to publish books of travel. It's been done before." + +"Never," I rejoined, "in connection with you, poppa!" + +Poppa removed his hand from his chin. + +"Oh, if I'm to assist, that's quite another anecdote," he said briskly. +"I didn't understand you intended to ring me in. Of course, I don't mean +to imply there is any special prejudice against books of travel in +Europe. About how many pages did you think of running it to?" + +"My idea was three hundred," I replied. + +"And how many words to a page?" + +"Two hundred and fifty--more or less." + +"That's seventy-five thousand words! Pretty big undertaking, if you look +at it in bulk." + +"We shall have to rely upon momma," I remarked. + +Poppa's expression disparaged the idea, and he began to feel round for +his beard. + +"If I were you," he said, "I wouldn't place much dependence on momma. +She'll be able to give you a few hints on sunsets and a pointer or two +about the various Venuses, likely--she's had photographs of several of +them in the house for years--but I expect it's going to be a question of +historical fact pretty often, and momma won't be in it. Not that I want +to choke momma off," he continued, "but she will necessitate a whole +reference library. And in some parts of Europe I believe they charge you +for every pound of luggage, including your lunch, if you don't happen to +have concealed it in your person." + +"We'll have to pin her down to the guide-books," I remarked. + +"That depends. I've always understood that the guide-book market was +largely controlled by Mr. Murray and Mr. Baedeker. Also, that Mr. Murray +writes in a vein of pretty lofty sentiment, while Mr. Baedeker is about +as interesting as a directory. Now where the right emotion is included +at the price I don't see the use of momma, but when it's a question of +Baedeker we might turn her on. See?" + +"Poppa," I replied with emotion, "you will both be invaluable. I will +bid you good-night. I believe the electric light burns all night long in +the smoking-cabin, but that is not supposed to indicate that gentlemen +are expected to stay there till dawn. I see you have two Havanas left. +That will be quite enough for one evening. Good-night, poppa." + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +All the way across momma implored me to become reconciled to Arthur. In +extreme moments, when it was very choppy, she composed telegrams on +lines which were to drive him wild with contrition without compromising +my dignity; and when I suggested the difficulty of tampering with the +Atlantic cable in mid-ocean without a diving machine, she wept, hinting +that, if I were a true daughter of hers, things would never have come to +such a pass. My position, from a filial point of view, was most trying. +I could not deny my responsibility for momma's woes--she never left her +cabin--yet I was powerless to put an end to them. Young women in novels +have thrown themselves into the arms of the wrong man under far less +parental pressure, but although it was indeed the hour the man was not +available. Neither, such was the irony of circumstances, would our +immediate union have affected the motion in the slightest degree. But +although I presented these considerations to momma many times a day, she +adhered so persistently to the idea of promoting a happy reunion that I +was obliged to keep a very careful eye on the possibility of +surreptitious messages from Liverpool. Once on dry land, however, momma +saw her duty in another light. I might say that she swallowed her +principles with the first meal she really enjoyed, after which she +expressed her conviction that it was best to let the dead past bury its +dead, so long as the obsequies did not necessitate her immediate return +to America. + +I was looking forward immensely to observing the Senator in London, +remembering the effect it had upon my own imagination, but on our +arrival he conducted himself in a manner which can only be described as +non-committal. He went about with his hands in his pockets, smoking +large cigars with an air of reserved criticism that vastly impressed the +waiters, acquiescing in strawberry jam for breakfast, for example, in a +manner which said that, although this might be to him a new and complex +custom, he was acquainted with Chicago ones much more recondite. His air +was superior, but modestly so, and if he said nothing you would never +suppose it was because he had nothing to say. He meant to give Great +Britain a chance before he pronounced anything distinctly unfavourable +even to her steaks, and in the meantime to remember what an up-to-date +American owes to his country's reputation in the hotels of a foreign +town. + +He was very much at his ease, and I saw him looking at a couple of just +introduced Englishmen embarking in conversation, as if he wondered what +could possibly be the matter with them. I am sorry that I can't say as +much for my other parent, but before monarchical institutions momma +weakened. She had moments of terrible indecision as to how to do her +hair, and I am certain it was not a matter of indifference to her that +she should make a good impression upon the head butler. Also, she +hesitated about examining the mounted Guardsman on duty at Whitehall, +preferring to walk past with a casual glance, as if she were accustomed +to see things quite as wonderful every day at home, whereas nothing to +approach it has ever existed in America, except in the imagination of +Mr. Barnum, and he is dead. And shopwalkers patronised her. I +congratulated myself sometimes that I was there to assert her dignity. + +I must be permitted to generalise in this way about our London +experiences because they only lasted a day and a half, and it is +impossible to get many particulars into that space. It was really a pity +we had so little time. Nothing would have been more interesting than to +bring momma into contact with the Poets' Corner, or introduce poppa to +the House of Lords, and watch the effect. I am sure, from what I know of +my parents, that the effect would have been crisp. But we decided that +six weeks was not too much to give to the Continent, also that an +opportunity, six weeks long, of absorbing Europe is not likely to occur +twice in the average American lifetime. We stayed over two or three +trains in London, however, just long enough to get in a background, as +it were, for our Continental experiences. The weather was typical, and +the background, from an artistic point of view, was perfect. While not +precisely opaque, you couldn't see through it anywhere. + +When it became a question of how we were to put in the time, it seemed +to momma as if she would rather lie down than anything. + +"You and your father, dear," she said, "might drive to St. Paul's, when +it stops raining. Have a good look at the dome and try to bring me back +the sound of the echo. It is said to be very weird. See that poppa +doesn't forget to take off his hat in the body of the church, but he +might put it on in the Whispering Gallery, where it is sure to be +draughty. And remember that the funeral coach of the Duke of Wellington +is down in the crypt, darling. You might bring me an impression of that. +I think I'll have a cup of chocolate and try to get a little sleep." + +"Is it," asked poppa, "the coach which the Duke sent to represent him at +the other people's funerals, or the one in which he attended his own?" + +"You can look that up," momma replied; "but my belief is that it was +presented to the Duke by a grateful nation after his demise. In which +case he couldn't possibly have used it more than once." + +I looked at momma reprovingly, but, seeing that she had no suspicion of +being humorous, I said nothing. The Senator pushed out his under lip and +pulled his beard. + +"I don't know about St. Paul's," he said; "wouldn't any other +impression do as well, momma? It doesn't seem to be just the weather for +crypts, and I don't suppose the hearse of a military man is going to +make the surroundings any more cheerful. Now, my idea is that when time +is limited you've got to let some things go. I'd let the historical go +every time. I'd let the instructive go--we can't drag around an idea of +the British Museum, for instance. I'd let ancient associations +go--unless you're particularly interested in the parties associated." + +I thought of the morning I once spent picking up details, traditions, +and remains of Dr. Johnson in various parts of the West Central +district, and privately sympathised with this view, though I felt +compelled to look severe. Momma, who was now lying down, dissented. +What, then, she demanded, had we crossed the ocean for? + +"Rather," said she, "where time is limited let us spread ourselves, so +to speak, over the area of culture available. This morning, for example, +you, husband, might ramble round the Tower and try to picture the +various tragedies that have been enacted there. You, daughter, might go +and bring us those impressions from St. Paul's, while I will content +myself with observing the manners of the British chambermaid. So far, I +must say, I think they are lovely. Thus, each doing what he can and she +can, we shall take back with us, as a family, more real benefit than we +could possibly obtain if we all derived it from the same source." + +"No," said poppa firmly. "I take exception to your theory right there, +Augusta. Culture is a very harmless thing, and there's no reason why you +shouldn't take it in, till your back gives out, every day we're here. +But I consider that we've got the article in very good shape in our +little town over there in Illinois, and personally I don't propose to go +nosing round after it in Europe. And as a family man I should hate to be +divided up for any such purpose." + +"Oh, if you're going to steel yourself against it, my love----" + +"Now, what Bramley said to me the day before we sailed was this--No, I'm +not steeling myself against it; my every pore is open to it--Bramley +said: 'Your time is limited, you can't see everything. Very well. See +the unique. Keep that in mind,' he said; 'the unique. And you'll be +surprised to find how very little there is in the world, outside +Chicago, that is unique.'" + + +"Applying that rule," continued the Senator, strolling up and down, "the +things to see in London are the Crystal Palace and the Albert Memorial. +Especially the Albert Memorial. That was a man who played second fiddle +to his wife, and enjoyed it, all his life long; and there he sits in +Hyde Park to-day, I understand, still receiving the respectful homage of +the nation--the only case on record." + +"Westminster Abbey would be much better _for_ you," said momma. + +"Don't you think," I put in, "that if momma is to get any sleep----" + +"Certainly. Now, another thing that Bramley said was, 'Look here,' he +said, 'remember the Unattainable Elsewhere--and get it. You're likely to +be in London. Now the Unattainable Elsewhere, for that town, is +gentlemen's suitings. For style, price, and quality of goods the London +tailor leads the known universe. Wick,' he said--he was terribly in +earnest--'if you have _one hour_ in London, leave your measure!'" + +"In that case," said momma, sitting up and ascertaining the condition of +her hair, "you would like me to be with you, love." + +Now, if momma doesn't like poppa's clothes, she always gives them away +without telling him. This would be thought arbitrary in England, and I +have certainly known the Senator suddenly reduced to great destitution +through it, but America is a free country, and there is no law to compel +us to see our male relations unbecomingly clad against our will. + +"Well, to tell the truth, Augusta," said poppa, "I would. I'd like to +get this measure through by a unanimous vote. It will save complications +afterwards. But are you sure you wouldn't rather lie down?" + +Momma replied to the effect that she wouldn't mind his going anywhere +else alone, but this was important. She put her gloves on as she spoke, +and her manner expressed that she was equal to any personal sacrifice +for the end in view. + +Colonel Bramley had given the Senator a sartorial address of repute, +and presently the hansom drew up before it, in Piccadilly. We went about +as a family in one hansom for sociability. + +"Look here, driver," said poppa through the roof, "have we got there?" + +The cabman, in a dramatic and resentful manner, pointed out the number +with his whip. + +"There's the address as was given to _me_, sir." + +"Well, there's nothing to get mad about," said poppa sternly. "I'm +looking for Marcus Trippit, tailor and outfitter." + +"It's all right, sir. All on the brass plite on the door, sir. I can see +it puffickly from 'ere." + +The cabman seemed appeased, but his tone was still remonstrative. + +We all looked at the door with the brass plate. It was flanked on one +side by the offices of a house agent, on the other by a superior looking +restaurant. + +"There isn't the sign of a tailor about the premises," said poppa, +"except his name. I don't like the look of that." + +"Perhaps," suggested momma, "it's his private address." + +"Well, I guess we don't want to call on Marcus, especially as we've got +no proper introduction. Driver, that isn't Mr. Trippit's place of +business. It's his home." + +We all craned up at the hole in the roof at once, like young birds, and +we all distinctly saw the driver smile. + +"No, sir, I don't think 'e'd put it up like that that 'e was a tyler, +not on 'is privit residence, sir. I think you'll find the business +premises on the fust or second floor, likely." + +"Where's his window?" the Senator demanded. "Where's his display? No, I +don't think Marcus will do for me. I'm not confiding enough. Now, _you_ +don't happen to be able to recommend a tailor, do you?" + +"Yes, sir, I can take you to a gentleman that'll turn you out as +'andsome as need be. Out 'Ampstead way, '_e_ is." + +The Senator smiled. "About a three-and-sixpenny fare, eh?" he said. + +"Yes, sir, all of that." + +"I thought so. I don't mind the three and sixpence. You can't do much +driving where I come from under a dollar; but we've only got about +twenty-four hours for the British capital altogether, and I can't spare +the time." + +"Suppose he drives along slowly," suggested momma. + +"Just so. Drive along slowly until you come to a tailor that has a shop, +do you see? And a good-sized window, with waxwork figures in it to show +off the goods. Then let me hear from you again." + +The man's expression changed to one of cheerfulness and benignity. +"Right you are, sir," he said, and shut down the door in a manner that +suggested entire appreciation of the circumstances. + +"I think we can trust him," said poppa. Inside, therefore, we gave +ourselves up to enjoyment of what momma called the varied panorama +around us; while, outside, the cabman passed in critical review half the +gentleman's outfitters in London. It was momma who finally brought him +to a halt, and the establishment which inspired her with confidence and +emulation was inscribed in neat, white enamelled letters, _Court +Tailors_. + +As we entered, a person of serious appearance came forward from the +rear, by no means eagerly or inquiringly, but with a grave step and a +great deal of deportment. I fancy he looked at momma and me with slight +surprise; then, with his hands calmly folded and his head a little on +one side, he gave his attention to the Senator. But it was momma who +broke the silence. + +"We wish," said momma, "to look at gentlemen's suitings." + +"Yes, madam, certainly. Is it for--for----" He hesitated in the +embarrassed way only affected in the very best class of establishments, +and I felt at ease at once as to the probable result. + +"For this gentleman," said momma, with a wave of her hand. + +The Senator, being indicated, acknowledged it. "Yes," he said, "I'm your +subject. But there's just one thing I want to say. I haven't got any use +for a Court suit, because where I live we haven't got any use for +Courts. My idea would be something aristocratic in quality but +democratic in cut--the sort of thing you would make up for a member of +Mr. Gladstone's family. Do I make myself clear?" + +"Certainly, sir. Ordinary morning dress, sir, or is it evening dress, or +both? Will you kindly step this way, sir?" + +"We will all step this way," said momma. + +"It would be a morning coat and waistcoat then, sir, would it not? And +trousers of a different--somewhat lighter----" + +"Well, no," the Senator replied. "Something I could wear around pretty +much all day." + +My calm regard forbade the gentleman's outfitter to smile, even in the +back of his head. + +"I think I understand, sir. Now, here is something that is being a good +deal worn just now. Beautiful finish." + +"Nothing brownish, thank you," said momma, with decision. + +"No, madam? Then perhaps you would prefer this, sir. More on the iron +gray, sir." + +"That would certainly be more becoming," said momma. "And I like that +invisible line. But it's rather too woolly. I'm afraid it wouldn't keep +its appearance. What do you think, Mamie?" + +"Oh, there's no _wool_liness, madam." The gentleman's outfitter's tone +implied that wool was the last thing he would care to have anything to +do with. "It's the nap. And as to the appearance of these goods"--he +smiled slightly--"well, we put our reputation on them, that's all. I +can't say more than that. But I have the same thing in a smooth finish, +if you would prefer it." + +"I think I would prefer it. Wouldn't you, Mamie?" + +The man brought the same thing in a smooth finish, and looked +interrogatively at poppa. + +"Oh, I prefer it, too," said he, with a profound assumption of +intelligent interest. "Were you thinking of having the pants made of the +same material, Augusta?" + +The gentleman's outfitter suddenly turned his back, and stood thus for +an instant struggling with something like a spasm. Knowing that if +there's one thing in the world momma hates it's the exhibition of +poppa's sense of humour, I walked to the door. When I came back they +were measuring the Senator. + +"Will you have the American shoulder, sir? Most of our customers prefer +it." + +"Well, no. The English shoulder would be more of a novelty on me. You +see I come from the United States myself." + +"Do you indeed, sir?" + +The manners of some tailors might be emulated in England. + +"Tails are a little longer than they were, sir, and waistcoats cut a +trifle higher. Not more than half an inch in both cases, sir, but it +does make a difference. Now, with reference to the coat, sir; will you +have it finished with braid or not? Silk braid, of course, sir." + +"Augusta?" demanded the Senator. + +"Is braid _de nouveau_?" asked momma. + +"Not precisely, madam, but the Prince certainly has worn it this season +while he didn't last." + +"Do you refer to Wales?" asked poppa. + +"Yes, sir. He's very generally mentioned simply as 'The Prince.' His +Royal Highness is very conservative, so to speak, about such things, so +when he takes up a style we generally count on its lasting at least +through one season. I can assure you, sir, the Prince has appeared in +braid. You needn't be afraid to order it." + +"I think," put in momma, "that braid would make a very neat finish, +love." + +Poppa walked slowly towards the door, considering the matter. With his +hand on the knob he turned round. + +"No," he said, "I don't think that's reason enough for me. We're both +men in public positions, but I've got nothing in common with Wales. I'll +have a plain hem." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +"If there's one thing I hate," said Senator Wick several times in the +discussion of our plans, "it's to see a citizen of the United States +going round advertising himself. If you analyse it, it's a mean thing to +do, for it's no more a virtue to be born American than a fault to be +born anything else. I'm proud of my nationality and my income is a +source of satisfaction to me, but I don't intend to brandish either of +them in the face of Europe." + +It was this principle that had induced poppa to buy tourist tickets +second class by rail, first class by steamer, all through, like ordinary +English people on eight or nine hundred a year. Momma and I thought it +rather noble of him and resolved to live up to it if possible, but when +he brought forth a large packet of hotel coupons, guaranteed to produce +everything, including the deepest respect of the proprietors, at ten +shillings and sixpence a day apiece, we thought he was making an +unnecessary sacrifice to the feelings of the non-American travelling +public. + +"Two dollars and a half a day!" momma ejaculated. "Were there no more +expensive ones?" + +"If there had been," poppa confessed, "I would have taken them. But +these were the best they had. And I understand it's a popular, sensible +way of travelling. I told the young man that the one thing we wished to +avoid was ostentation, and he said that these coupons would be a +complete protection." + +"There must be _some_ way of paying more," said momma pathetically, +looking at the paper books of tickets, held together by a quantity of +little holes. "Do they actually include everything?" + +"Even wine, I understand, where it is the custom of the hotel to provide +it without extra charge, and in Switzerland honey with your breakfast," +the Senator responded firmly. "I never made a more interesting purchase. +There before us lie our beds, breakfasts, luncheons, dinners, lights, +and attendance for the next six weeks." + +"It is full of the most dramatic possibilities," I remarked, looking at +the packet. + +"It seems to me a kind of attempt to coerce Providence," said momma, "as +much as to say, 'Whatever happens to the world, I am determined to have +my bed, breakfast, luncheon, dinner, lights, and attendance for six +weeks to come.' Is it not presumptuous?" + +"It's very reasonable," said the Senator, "and that's the principal +thing you've got against it, Augusta. It's remarkably, pictorially +cheap." The Senator put the little books in their detachable cover, +snapped the elastic round them and restored the whole to his inside +pocket. + +"You might almost say enjoyably cheap, if you know what I mean. The +inexpensiveness of Europe," he continued, "is going to be a great charm +for me. I intend to revel in it." + +I am always discovering points about poppa the existence of which I had +not suspected. His appreciation of the joy of small prices had been +concealed in him up to this date, and I congratulated him warmly upon +its appearance. I believe it is inherent in primitive tribes and in all +Englishmen, but protective tariffs and other influences are rapidly +eradicating it in Americans, who should be condoled with on this point, +more than they usually are. + +We were on our way to Paris after a miraculous escape of the Channel. So +calm it was that we had almost held our breaths in our anxiety lest the +wind should rise before we got over. Dieppe lay behind us, and momma at +the window declared that she could hardly believe she was looking out at +Normandy. Momma at the window was enjoying herself immensely in the +midst of Liberty silk travelling cushions, supported by her +smelling-bottle, and engaged apparently in the realisation of +long-cherished dreams. + +"There they are in a row!" she exclaimed. "How lovely to see them +standing up in that stiff, unnatural way just as they do in the +pictures." + +Poppa and I rushed raptly to the window, but discovered nothing +remarkable. + +"To see what, Augusta?" demanded he. + +"The Normandy poplars, love. Aren't you awfully disappointed in them? +I am. So wooden!" + +[Illustration: Momma was enjoying herself.] + +Poppa said he didn't know that he had been relying much on the poplar +feature of the scenery, and returned to his weary search for American +telegrams in a London daily paper. + +"Dear me," momma ejaculated, "I _never_ supposed I should see them doing +it! And right along the line of the railway, too!" + +"See them doing it!" I repeated, searching the landscape. + +"The women working in the fields, darling love. Garnering the grain, all +in that nice moderate shade of blue-electric, shouldn't you call it? +There--there's another! No, you can't see her now. France _is_ +fascinating!" + +Poppa abruptly folded the newspaper. "I've learnt a great deal more than +I wanted to know about Madagascar," said he, "and I understand that +there's a likelihood of the London voter being called to arms to prevent +High Church trustees introducing candles and incense into the opening +exercises of the public schools. I've read eleven different accounts of +a battle in Korea, and an article on the fauna and flora of Beluchistan, +very well written. And I see it's stated, on good authority, that the +Queen drove out yesterday accompanied by the Princess Beatrice. I don't +know that I ever got more information for two cents in my life. But for +news--Great Scott! I _know_ more news than there is in that paper! The +editor ought to be invited to come over and discover America." + +"Here's something about America," I protested, "from Chicago, too. A +whole column--'Movements of Cereals.'" + +"Yes, and look at that for a nice attractive headline," responded the +Senator with sarcasm. "'Movements of Cereals!' Gives you a great idea of +pace, doesn't it? Why couldn't they have called it 'Grain on the Go'?" + +"Did Mr. McConnell get in for Mayor, or Jimmy Fagan?" I inquired, +looking down the column. + +"They don't seem to have asked anybody." + +"And who got the Post Office?" + +"Not there, not there, my child!" + +"Oh!" said momma at the window, "these little gray-stone villages are +too sweet for words. Why talk of Chicago? Mr. McConnell and Mr. Fagan +are all very well at home, but now that the ocean heaves between us, and +your political campaign is over, may we not forget them?" + +"Forget Mike McConnell and Jimmy Fagan!" replied the Senator, regarding +a passing church spire with an absent smile. "Well, no, Augusta; as far +as I'm concerned I'm afraid it couldn't be done--at all permanently. +There's too much involved. But I see what you mean about turning the +mind out to pasture when the grazing is interesting--getting in a cud, +so to speak, for reflection afterwards. I see your idea." + +The Senator is always business-like. He immediately addressed himself +through the other window to the appreciation of the scenery, and I felt, +as I took out my note-book to record one or two impressions, that he +would do it justice. + +"No, momma," I was immediately compelled to exclaim, "you mustn't look +over my shoulder. It is paralysing to the imagination." + +"Then I won't, dear. But oh, if you could only describe it as it is! The +ruined chateaux, tree-embosomed----" Momma paused. + +"The gray church spires, from which at eventide the Angelus comes +pealing--or stealing," she continued. "Perhaps 'stealing' is better." + +"Above all the poplars--the poplars are very characteristic, dear. And +the women toilers in the sunset fields garnering up the golden grain. +You might exclaim, 'Why are they always in blue?' Have you got that +down?" + +"They were making hay," poppa corrected. "But I suppose the public won't +know the difference, any more than you did." + +Momma leaned forward, clasping her smelling-bottle, and looked out of +the window with a smile of exaltation. + +"The cows," she went on, "the proud-legged Norman cows standing +knee-deep in the quiet pools. Have you got the cows down, dear?" + +The Senator, at the other window, looked across disparagingly, hard at +work on his beard. He said nothing, but after a time abruptly thrust his +hands in his pockets, and his feet out in front of him in a manner which +expressed absolute dissent. When momma said she thought she would try to +get a little sleep he looked round observantly, and as soon as her +slumber was sound and comfortable he beckoned to me. + +"See here," he said, not unkindly, argumentatively. "About those cows. +In fact, about all these pointers your mother's been giving you. They're +all very nice and poetic--I don't want to run down momma's ideas--but +they don't strike me as original. I won't say I could put my finger on +it, but I'm perfectly certain I've heard of the poplars and the women +field labourers of Normandy somewhere before. She doesn't do it on +purpose"--the Senator inclined his head with deprecation toward the +sleeping form opposite, and lowered his voice--"and I don't know that +I'd mention it to you under any other circumstances, but momma's a +fearful plagiarist. She doesn't hesitate anywhere. I've known her do it +to William Shakespeare and the Book of Job, let alone modern authors. In +dealing with her suggestions you want to be very careful. Otherwise +momma'll get you into trouble." + +I nodded with affectionate consideration. "I'll make a note of what you +say, Senator," I replied, and immediately, from motives of delicacy, we +changed the subject. As we talked, poppa told me in confidence how much +he expected of the democratic idea in Paris. He said that even the +short time we had spent in England was enough to enable him to detect +the subserviency of the lower classes there and to resent it, as a man +and a brother. He spoke sadly and somewhat bitterly of the manners of +the brother man who shaved him, which he found unjustifiably affable, +and of the inexcusable abasement of a British railway porter if you gave +him a shilling. He said he was glad to leave England, it was +demoralising to live there; you lost your sense of the dignity of +labour, and in the course of time you were almost bound to degenerate +into a swell. He expressed a good deal of sympathy with the aristocracy +on this account, concentrating his indignation upon those who, as it +were, made aristocrats of innocent human beings against their will. It +was more than he would have ventured to say in public, but in talking to +me poppa often mentions what a comfort it is to be his own mouthpiece. + +"The best thing about these tourists' tickets is," said the Senator as +we approached Paris, "that they entitle you to the use of an +interpreter. He is said to be found on all station platforms of +importance, and I presume he's standing there waiting for us now. I take +it we're at liberty to tap his knowledge of the language in any moment +of difficulty just as if it were our own." + +Ten minutes later the carriage doors were opening upon Paris, and the +Senator's eagle eye was searching the crowded platform for this +official. Our vague idea was that the interpreter would be a conspicuous +and permanent object like a nickle-in-the-slot machine, automatically +arranged to open his arms to tourists presenting the right tickets, and +emit conversation. When we finally detected him, by his cap, he was +shifting uneasily in the midst of a crowd of inquirers. His face was +pale, his beard pointed, his expression that of a person constantly +interrupted in many languages. The crowd was parting to permit him to +escape, when we filled up the available avenue and confronted him. + +"Are you the linguist that goes with our tickets?" asked the Senator. + +"I am ze interpretare yes, but weez ze tickets I go not, no. All-ways I +stay here in zis place, nowheres I go." He stood at bay, so to speak, +frowning fiercely as he replied, and then made another bolt for liberty, +but poppa laid a compelling hand upon his arm. + +"If it's all the same to you," said poppa, firmly, "I've got ladies with +me, and----" + +"Yes certainly you get presently your tronks. You see zat door beside +many people? Immediately it open you go and show ze customs man. You got +no duty thing, it is all right. You call one fiacre--carriage--and go at +your hotel." + +"Oh," exclaimed momma, "is there any charge on nerve tincture, please? +It's _entirely_ for my personal use." + +"It's _only_ on cigars and eau-de-Cologne, isn't it?" I entreated. + +"Which door did you say?" asked the Senator. "I'd be obliged if you +would speak more slowly. There's no cause for excitement. From here I +can see fourteen doors, and I saw our luggage go in by _this_ door." + +"You don't believe wat I say! Very well! All ze same it is zat door +beside all ze people wat want zere tronks!" + +"All right," said the Senator pacifically. "How you do boil over! I tell +you one thing, my friend," he added, as the interpreter washed his hands +of us, "you may be a necessity to the travelling public, but you're not +a luxury, in any sense of the word." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +The Senator, discovering to his surprise that the hotel clerk was a +lady, lifted his hat. He did not appear to be surprised, that wasn't the +Senator's way, but he forgot what he had to say, which proved it. While +he was hesitating she looked at him humorously and said "Good evening, +sir!" She was a florid person who wore this sense of humour between hard +blue eyes and an iron jaw. Momma took a passionate dislike to her on the +spot. + +"Oh, then you do," said poppa. "You parlay Anglay. That's a good thing +I'm sure, for I know mighty little Fransay. May I ask what sort of +accommodation you can give Mrs. Wick, Miss Wick, and myself for +to-night? Anything on the first floor?" + +"What rooms you require are one double one single, yes? Certainly. +Francois, _trente-cinq et trente-huit_." She handed Francois the keys +and her sense of humour disappeared in a smile which told poppa that he +might, if he liked, consider her a fine woman. He, wishing doubtless to +bask in it to the fullest extent, produced his book of tickets. + +"I expect you've seen these before," he said, apparently for the +pleasure of continuing the conversation. + +[Illustration: "I expect you've seen these before."] + +As her eye fell upon them a look of startled cynicism suddenly replaced +the smile. Her cynicism was paradoxical, she was so large, and sound and +wholesome, and the more irritating on this account. + +"You 'ave the coupons!" she exclaimed. "Ah-a-ah!" in a crescendo of +astonishment at our duplicity. "Then I 'ave made one mistake. Francois! +Those first floor rooms they are already taken. But on the third floor +are two good beautiful rooms. There is also the lift--you can use the +lift." + +"I can't dispute with a lady," said poppa, "but that is singular. I +should prefer those first floor rooms which were not taken until I +mentioned the coupons." + +"Sare!" + +The lady's eye was unflinching, and poppa quailed. He looked ashamed, as +if he had been caught in telling a story. They made a picture, as he +stood there pulling his beard, of American chivalry and Gallic guile, +which was almost pathetic. + +"Well," said he, "as it's necessary that Mrs. Wick should lie down as +soon as possible you might show us those third floor rooms." + +Then he recovered his dignity and glanced at Madame more in sorrow than +in anger. "Certainly, sare," she said severely. "Will you use the lift? +For the lift there is no sharge." + +"That," said the Senator, "is real liberal." In moments of emotion +poppa often dropped into an Americanism. "If it's a serious offer I +think we _will_ use the lift." + +At a nod from Madame, Francois went away to seek the man belonging to +the lift, and after a time returned with him. The lady produced another +key, with which the man belonging to the lift unlocked the door of the +brass cage which guarded it. + +"You must find strangers very dishonest, madam," said the Senator +courteously as we stepped inside, "to render such a precaution +necessary." + +But before we arrived at the third floor we were convinced that it was +unnecessary. It was not an elevator that the most burglarious would have +cared to take away. + +So many Americans surrounded the breakfast table next morning that we +might almost have imagined ourselves in Chicago. A small, young priest +with furtive brown eyes cowered at one of the side tables, and at +another a broad-shouldered, unsmiling lady, dressed in black, with brows +and a slight moustache to match, dispensed food to a sallow and +shrinking object of preternaturally serious aspect who seemed to be her +husband, and a little boy who kept an anxious eye on them both. They +were French, too, but all the people who sat up and down the long middle +table belonged to the United States of America. They were there in +groups and in families representing different localities and different +social positions--as momma said, you had only to look at their shoulder +seams; and each group or family received the advances of the next with +the polite tolerance, head a little on one side, which characterises us +when we don't know each other's business standing or church membership; +but the tide of conversation which ebbed and flowed had a flavour which +made the table a geographical unit. I say "flavour," because there was +certainly something, but I am now inclined to think with Mr. Page that +"accent" is rather too strong a word to describe it. At all events, the +gratification of hearing it after his temporary exile in Great Britain +almost brought tears to the Senator's eyes. There were only three vacant +places, and, as we took them, making the national circle complete, a +little smile wavered round the table. It was a proud, conscious smile; +it indicated that though we might not be on terms of intimacy we +recognised ourselves to be immensely and uniformly American, and +considerably the biggest fraction of the travelling public. As poppa +said, the prevailing feeling was also American. As he was tucking his +napkin into his waistcoat, and ordering our various breakfasts, the +gentleman who sat next to him listened--he could not help it--fidgetted, +and finally, with some embarrassment, spoke. + +"I don't know, sir," he said, "whether you're aware of it--I presume +you're a stranger, like myself--but all they _allow_ for what they call +breakfast in this hotel is tea or coffee, rolls, and butter; everything +else is charged extra." + +Poppa was touched. As he said to me afterward, who but an American +would have taken the trouble to tell a stranger a thing like that! Not +an Englishman, certainly--he would see you bankrupt first! He disguised +his own sophistication, and said he was very much obliged, and he almost +apologised for not being able to take advantage of the information, and +stick to coffee and rolls. + +"But the fact is," he said in self-defence, "we may get back for lunch +and we may not." + +"That's all right," the gentleman replied with distinct relief. "I +didn't mind the omelette or the sole, but when it came to fried chicken +and strawberries I just had to speak out. You going to make a long stay +in Paris?" + +As they launched to conversation momma and I glanced at each other with +mutual congratulation. It was at last obvious that the Senator was going +to enjoy his European experiences; we had been a little doubtful about +it. Left to ourselves, we discussed our breakfast and the waiters, the +only French people we could see from where we sat, and expressed our +annoyance, which was great, at being offered tooth-picks. I was so +hungry that it was only when I asked for a third large roll that I +noticed momma regarding me with mild disapproval. + +"I fear," she said with a little sigh, "that you are thinking very +little of what is past and gone, love." + +"Momma," I replied, "don't spoil my breakfast." When momma can throw an +emotional chill over anything, I never knew her to refrain. "I _should_ +like that _garçon_ to bring me some more bread," I continued. + +Momma sighed even more deeply. "You may have part of mine," she replied, +breaking it with a gesture that said such callousness she could not +understand. Her manner for the next few minutes expressed distinctly +that she, at least, meant to do her duty by Arthur. + +Presently from the other side of poppa came the words, "_Not_ Wick of +Chicago!" + +"I guess I can't deny it," said poppa. + +"Senator Wick?" + +Poppa lowered his voice. "If it's all the same to you," he said, "not +for the present. Just plain Joshua P. Wick. I'm not what you call +travelling incognito, do you see, but, so far as the U.S. Senate is +concerned, I haven't got it with me." + +"Well, sir, I won't mention it again. But all the same, if I may be +allowed to say so, I am pleased to meet you, sir--very pleased. I +suppose they wired you that Mike McConnell's got the Post Office." + +Poppa held out his hand in an instant of speechless gratitude. "Sir," he +said, "they did not. Put it there. I said no wires and no letters, and +I've been sorry for it ever since. Momma," he continued, "daughter, +allow me to present to you Mr.?--Mr. Malt, who has heard by cablegram +that our friend Mr. McConnell is Postmaster-General of Chicago." + +Momma was grateful, too, though she expressed it somewhat more +distantly. Momma has a great deal of manner with strangers; it sometimes +completely disguises her real feeling toward them. I was also grateful, +though I merely bowed, and kicked the Senator under the table. Nobody +would have guessed from our outward bearing the extent to which our +political fortunes, as a family, were mixed up with Mike McConnell's. +Mr. Malt immediately said that if there was anything else he could do +for us he was at our service. + +"Well," said poppa, "I suppose there's a good deal of intrinsic interest +in this town--relics of Napoleon, the Bon Marché, and so on--and we've +got to see it. I must say," he added, turning to momma, "I feel +considerably more equal to it now." + +"It will take you a good long week," said Mr. Malt earnestly, "to begin +to have an idea of it. You might spend two whole days in the Louvre +itself. Is your time limited?" + +"I don't need to tell any American the market value of it," said poppa +smiling. + +"Then you can't do better than go straight to the Louvre. I'd be pleased +to accompany you, only I've got to go round and see our Ambassador--I've +got a little business with him. I daresay you know that one of our +man-of-war ships is lying right down here in the Seine river. Well, the +captain is giving a reception to-morrow in honour of the Russian Admiral +who happens to be there, too. I've got ladies with me and I wrote for +four tickets. Did I get the four tickets--or two of them--or one? No, +sir, I got a letter in the third person singular saying it wasn't a +public entertainment! I wrote back to say I guessed it was an American +entertainment, and he could expect me, all the same. He hadn't any sort +of excuse--my name and business address were on my letter paper. Now I'm +just going round to see what a United States Ambassador's for, in this +connection." + +Mr. Malt rose and the waiter withdrew his chair. "Thank you, _garçon_," +said he. "I'm coming back again--do you understand? This is not my last +meal," and the waiter bowed as if that were a statement which had to be +acknowledged, but was of the least possible consequence to him +personally. "Well, Mr. Wick," continued Mr. Malt, brushing the crumbs +from his waistcoat, "I'll say good morning, and to your ladies also. I'm +very pleased to have met you." + +"Well," said momma, as he disappeared, "if every American in Paris has +decided to go to that reception there won't be much room for the +Russians." + +"I suppose he's a voter and a tax-payer, and he's got his feelings," +replied poppa. The Senator would defend a voter and a tax-payer against +any imputation not actually criminal. + +"I'm glad I'm not one of his lady-friends," momma continued. "I don't +think I _could_ make myself at home on that man-of-war under the +circumstances. But I daresay he'll drag them there with him. He seems to +be just that kind of a man." + +"He's a very patriotic kind of a man," replied the Senator. "It's his +patriotism, don't you see, that's giving him all this trouble. It's been +outraged. Personally I consider Mr. Malt a very intelligent gentleman, +and if he'd given me an opening as big as the eye of a needle I'm the +camel that would have gone with him, Augusta." + +This statement of the Senator's struck me as something to be acted upon. +If there was to be a constant possibility of his going off with any +chance American in regular communication with the United States, our +European tour would be a good deal less interesting than I had been led +to expect. While momma was getting ready for the Louvre, therefore, I +stepped down to the office and wired our itinerary to his partner in +Chicago. "Keep up daily communication by wire in detail," I telegraphed, +"forward copies all important letters care Peters." Peters was the +tourist agent who had undertaken to bless our comings and goings. I said +nothing whatever to poppa, but I felt a glow of conscious triumph when I +thought of Mr. Malt. + +We stood and realised Paris on the pavement while the fiacre turned in +from the road and drew up for us. I had every intention of being +fascinated and so had momma. We had both heard often and often that good +Americans when they die go to Paris, and that prepares one for a good +deal in this life. We were so anxious to be pleased that we fastened +with one accord upon the florist's shop under the hotel and said that it +was uniquely charming, though we both knew places in Broadway that it +couldn't be compared with. We looked amiably at the passers-by, and did +our best to detect in the manner of their faces that _esprit_ that makes +the dialogue of French novels so stimulating. What I usually thought I +saw when they looked at us was a leisurely indifferentism ornamented +with the suspicion of a sneer, and based upon a certain fundamental +acquisitiveness and ability to make a valuation that acknowledged the +desirability of our presence on business grounds, if not on personal +ones. It seemed to be a preconcerted public intention to make as much +noise in a given space as possible--we spoke of the cheerfulness of it, +stopping our ears. The cracking of the drivers' whips alone made a _feu +de joie_ that never ceased, and listening to it we knew that we ought to +feel happy and elated. The driver of our fiacre was fat and rubicund, he +wore a green coat, brass buttons, and a shiny top hat, and looked as if +he drank constantly. His jollity was perfunctory, I know, and covered a +grasping nature, but it was very well imitated, like everything in +Paris. As he whirled us, with a whip-report like a pistol-shot, into the +train of traffic in the middle of the street, we felt that we were +indeed in the city of appearances; and I put down in my mind, not having +my note-book, that Paris lives up to its photographs. + +"We mustn't forget our serious object, dear," said momma, as we rolled +over the cobblestones--"our literary object. What shall we note this +morning? The broad streets, the elegant shops--_do_ look at that one! +Darling, is it absolutely necessary to go to the Louvre this morning? +There are some things we really need." + +Momma addressed the Senator. I mentioned to her once that her way of +doing it was almost English in its demonstrativeness, and my other +parent told me privately he wished I hadn't--it aggravated it so. + +"Augusta," said poppa, firmly, "I understand your feeling. I take a +human interest in those stores myself, which I do not expect this +picture gallery, etc., to inspire in me. But there the Louvre _is_, you +see, and it's got to be done. If we spent our whole time in this city in +mere pleasure and amusement, you would be the first to reproach +yourself, Augusta." + +A few minutes later, when we had crossed the stone quadrangle and +mounted the stairs, and stood with our catalogue in the Salle Lacaze, +momma said that she wouldn't have missed it for anything. She sank +ecstatic upon a bench, and gave to every individual picture upon the +opposite wall the tribute of her intensest admiration. It was a pleasure +to see her enjoying herself so much; and poppa and I vainly tried to +keep up to her with the catalogue. + +"Oh, why haven't we such things in Chicago!" she exclaimed, at which the +Senator checked her mildly. + +"It's a mere question of time," said he. "It isn't reasonable to expect +Pre-Raphaelites in a new country. But give us three or four hundred +years, and we'll produce old masters which, if you ladies will excuse +the expression, will knock the spots out of the Middle Ages." Poppa is +such an optimist about Chicago. + +The Senator went on in a strain of criticism of the pictures perfectly +moderate and kindly--nothing he wouldn't have said to the artists +themselves--until momma interrupted him. "Don't you think we might be +silent for a time, Alexander," she said. + +Momma does call him Alexander sometimes. I didn't like to mention it +before, but it can't be concealed for ever. She says it's because Joshua +always costs her an effort, and every woman ought to have the right to +name her own husband. + +"Let us offer to all this genius," she continued, indicating it, "the +tribute of sealing our lips." + +The Senator will always oblige. "Mine are sealed, Augusta," he replied, +and so we sat in silence for the next ten minutes. But I could see by +his expression, in connection with the angle at which his hat was +tipped, that he was comparing the productions before him with the future +old masters of Chicago, and wishing it were possible to live long enough +to back Chicago. + +"How they do sink in!" said momma at last. "How they sink into the +soul!" + +"They do," replied the Senator. "I don't deny it. But I see by the +catalogue, counting Salles and Salons and all, there's seventeen rooms +full of them. If they're all to sink in, for my part I'll have to +enlarge the premises. And we've been here three-quarters of an hour +already, and life is short, Augusta." + +So we moved on where the imperishable faces of Greuze and Velasquez and +Rembrandt smiled and frowned and wondered at us. As poppa said, it was +easy to see that these people had ideas, and were simply longing to +express them. "You feel sorry for them," he said, "just as you feel +sorry for an intelligent terrier. But these poor things can't even wag +their tails! Just let me know when you've had enough, Augusta." + +Momma declared, with an accent of reproach, that she could never have +enough. I noticed, however, that we did not stay in the second room as +long as in the first one, and that our progress was steadily +accelerating. Presently the Senator asked us to sit down for a few +minutes while he should leave us. + +"There's a picture here Bramley said I was to see without fail," he +explained. "It's called 'Mona Lisa,' and it's by an artist by the name +of Leonardo da Vinci. Bramley said it was a very fine painting, but I +don't remember just now whether he said it was what you might call a +picture for the family or not. I'll just go and ascertain," said the +Senator. "Judging from some of the specimens here, oil paintings in the +Middle Ages weren't intended to be chromo-lithographed." + +In his absence momma and I discussed French cookery as far as we had +experienced it, in detail, with prodigious yawns for which we did not +even apologise. Poppa was gone a remarkably short time and came back +radiant. "I've found Mona," he exclaimed, "and--she's all right. Bramley +said it was the most remarkable portrait of a woman in the +world--looking at it, Bramley said, you become insensible to +everything--forget all about your past life and future hopes--and I +guess he's about right. Come and see it." + +Momma arose without enthusiasm, and I thought I detected adverse +criticism in advance in her expression. + +"Here she is," said the Senator presently. "Now look at that! Did you +ever see anything more intellectual and cynical, and contemptuous and +sweet, all in one! Lookin' at you as much as to say, 'Who are you, +anyhow, from way back in the State of Illinois--commercial traveller? +And what do you pretend to know?'" + +Momma regarded the portrait for a moment in calm disapprobation. "I +daresay she was very clever," she said at length, "but if you wish to +know my opinion I _don't think much of her_. And before taking us to see +another female portrait, Mr. Wick, I should be obliged if you would take +the precaution of finding out _who she was_." + +After which we drove quietly home. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +Poppa decided that we had better go to Versailles by Cook's +four-in-hand. There were other ways of going, but he thought we might as +well take the most distinguished. He was careful to explain that the +mere grandeur of this method of transportation had no weight with him; +he was compelled to submit to the ostentation of it for another purpose +which he had in view. + +"I am not a person," said poppa, "nor is any member of my family, to +thrust myself into aristocratic circles in foreign lands; but when an +opportunity like this occurs for observing them without prejudice, so to +speak, I believe in taking it." + +We went to the starting place early, so as to get good seats, for, as +momma said, the whole of the Parisian _élite_ with the President thrown +in wouldn't induce her to ride with her back to the horses. In that +position she would be incapable of observation. + +The coaches were not there when we arrived, and presently the Senator +discovered why. He told us with a slightly depressed air that they had +gone round to the hotels. "Daughter," he said to me, "J.P. Wicks does +hate to make a fool of himself, and this morning he's done it twice +over. The best seats will go to the people who had the sense to stay at +their hotels, and the fact that the coaches go round shows that they run +for tourist traffic only. There won't be a Paris aristocrat among them," +continued poppa gloomily, "nary an aristocrat." + +When they came up we saw that there wasn't. The coaches were full of +tourist traffic. It was mounted on the box seats very high up, where it +looked conspicuously happy, and sounded a little hysterical; and it was +packed, tight and warm and anticipant into every available seat. From +its point of vantage, secured by waiting at the hotel for it, the +tourist traffic looked down upon the Wick family on the pavement, in +irritating compassion. As momma said, if we hadn't taken our tickets it +was enough to have sent us to the Bon Marché. + +A man in a black frock coat and white shirt cuffs came bareheaded from +the office and pointed us out to the interpreter, who wore brass +buttons. The interpreter appeared to mention it to the guide, who wiped +his perspiring brows under a soft brown felt hat. A fiacre crawled round +the corner and paused to look on, and the Senator said, "Now which of +you three gentlemen is responsible for my ride to Versailles?" + +The interpreter looked at him with a hostile expression, the guide made +a gesture of despair at the volume of tourist traffic, and the man with +the shirt cuffs said, "You 'ave took your plazes on ze previous day?" + +"I took them from you ten minutes ago," poppa replied. "What a memory +you've got!" + +"Zen zare is nothings guaranteed. But we will send special carriage, and +be'ind you can follow up," and he indicated the fiacre which had now +drawn into line. + +"I don't think so," said poppa, "when I buy four-in-hand tickets I don't +take one-in-hand accommodation." + +"You will not go in ze private carriage?" + +"I will not." + +"_Mais_--it is much ze preferable." + +"I don't know why I should contradict you," said poppa, but at that +moment the difficulty was solved by the Misses Bingham. + +"Guide!" cried one of the Misses Bingham, beckoning with her fan, "_Nous +voulons à déscendre!_" + +"You want get out?" + +"_Oui!_" replied the Misses Bingham with simultaneous dignity, and, as +the guide merely wiped his forehead again, poppa stepped forward. "Can I +assist you?" he said, and the Misses Bingham allowed themselves to be +assisted. They were small ladies, dressed in black pongee silk, with +sloping shoulders, and they each carried a black fan and a brocaded bag +for odds and ends. They were not plain-looking, and yet it was readily +seen why nobody had ever married them; they had that look of the +predestined single state that you sometimes see even among the very well +preserved. One of them had an eye-glass, but it was easy to note even +when she was not wearing it that she was a person of independent income, +of family, and of New York. + +"We are quite willing," said the Misses Bingham, "to exchange our seats +in the coach for yours in the special carriage, if that arrangement +suits you." + +"_Bon!_" interposed the guide, "and opposite there is one other place if +that fat gentleman will squeeze himself a little--eh?" + +"Come along!" said the fat gentleman equably. + +"But I couldn't think of depriving you ladies." + +"Sir," said one Miss Bingham, "it is no deprivation." + +"We should prefer it," added the other Miss Bingham. They spoke with +decision; one saw that they had not reached middle age without knowing +their own minds all the way. + +"To tell the truth," added the Miss Bingham without the eye-glass in a +low voice, "we don't think we can stand it." + +"I don't precisely take you, madam," said the Senator politely. + +"I'm an American," she continued. + +Poppa bowed. "I should have known you for a daughter of the Stars and +Stripes anywhere," he said in his most complimentary tone. + +Miss Bingham looked disconcerted for an instant and went on. "My great +grandfather was A.D.C. to General Washington. I've got that much reason +to be loyal." + +"There couldn't have been many such officers," the Senator agreed. + +"But when I go abroad I don't want the whole of the United States to +come with me." + +"It takes the gilt off getting back for you?" suggested poppa a little +stiffly. + +Miss Bingham failed to take the hint. "We find Europe infested with +Americans," she continued. "It disturbs one's impressions so. And the +travelling American invariably belongs to the very _least_ desirable +class." + +"Now I shouldn't have thought so," said the Senator, with intentional +humour. But it was lost upon Miss Bingham. + +"Well, if you like them," said the other one, "you'd better go in the +coach." + +The Senator lifted his hat. "Madam," he said, "I thank you for giving to +me and mine the privilege of visiting a very questionable scene of the +past in the very best society of the present." + +And as the guide was perspiring more and more impatiently, we got in. + +For some moments the Senator sat in silence, reflecting upon this +sentiment, with an occasionally heaving breast. Circumstances forbade +his talking about it, but he cast an eye full of criticism upon the +fiacre rolling along far in the rear, and remarked, with a fervor most +unusual, that he hoped they liked our dust. We certainly made a great +deal of it. Momma and I, looking at our fellow travellers, at once +decided that the Misses Bingham had been a little hasty. The fat +gentleman, who wore a straw hat very far back, and meant to enjoy +himself, was certainly our fellow-citizen. So was his wife, and +brother-in-law. So were a bride and bridegroom on the box seat--nothing +less than the best of everything for an American honeymoon--and so was a +solitary man with a short cut bristly beard, a slouch hat, a pink cotton +shirt, and a celluloid collar. But there was an indescribable something +about all the rest that plainly showed they had never voted for a +president or celebrated a Fourth of July. I was still revolving it in my +mind when the fat gentleman, who had been thinking of the same thing, +said to his neighbour on the other side, a person of serious appearance +in a black silk hat, apropos of the line he had crossed by, "I may be +wrong, but I shouldn't have put you down to be an American." + +"Oh, I guess I am," replied the serious man, "but not the United States +kind." + +"British North," suggested the fat gentleman, with a smile that +acknowledged Her Majesty. "First cousin once removed," and momma and I +looked at one another intelligently. We had nothing against Canadians, +except that they generally talk as if they had the whole of the St. +Lawrence river and Niagara Falls in a perpetual lease from +Providence--and we had never seen so many of them together before. The +coach was three-quarters full of these foreigners, if the Misses +Bingham had only known; but as poppa afterwards said, they were probably +not foreign enough. It may have been imagination, but I immediately +thought I saw a certain meekness, a habit of deference--I wanted to +incite them all to treat the Guelphs as we did. Just then we stopped +before the church of St. Augustin, and the guide came swinging along the +outside of the coach hoarsely emitting facts. Everybody listened +intently, and I noticed upon the Canadian countenances the same +determination to be instructed that we always show ourselves. We all +meant to get the maximum amount of information for the price, and I +don't think any of us have forgotten that the site of St. Augustin is +three-cornered and its dome resembles a tiara to this day. For a moment +I was sorry for the Misses Bingham, who were absorbing nothing but dust; +but, as momma said, they looked very well informed. + +It must be admitted that we were a little shy with the guide--we let him +bully us. As poppa said, he was certainly well up in his subject, but +that was no reason why he should have treated us as if we had all come +from St. Paul or Kansas City. There was a condescension about him that +was not explained by the state of his linen, and a familiarity that I +had always supposed confined exclusively to the British aristocracy +among themselves. He had a red face and a blue eye, with which he looked +down on us with scarcely concealed contempt, and he was marvellously +agile, distributing his information as open street-car conductors +collect fares. + +"They seem extremely careful of their herbage in this town," remarked +the serious man, and we noticed that it was so. Precautions were taken +in wire that would have dissuaded a grasshopper from venturing on it. It +grew very neatly inside, doubtless with a certain _chic_, but it had a +look of being put on for the occasion that was essentially Parisian. +Also the trees grew up out of iron plates, which was uncomfortable, +though, no doubt, highly finished, and the flowers had a _cachet_ about +them which made one think of French bonnets. As we rolled into the Bois +it became evident that the guide had something special to communicate. +He raised his voice and coughed, in a manner which commanded instant +attention. + +"Ladies--and genelmen," he said--he always added the gentleman as if +they were an after-thought--"you are mos' fortunate, mos' locky. _Tout +Paris_--all the folks--are still driving their 'orse an' carriage 'ere. +One week more--the style will be all gone--what you say--vamoosed? Every +mother's son! An' Cook's excursion party won't see nothin' but ole cabs +goin' along!" + +"Can't we get away from them?" asked the serious person. It was +humorously intended--certainly a liberty, and the guide was down on it +in an instant. + +"Get away from them? Not if they know you're here!" + +At which the serious man looked still more serious, and sympathy for +him sprang up in every heart. + +We passed Longchamps at a steady trot, and the guide's statement that +the races there were always held on Sunday was received with a silence +that evidently disappointed him. It was plain that he had a withering +rejoinder ready for sabbatarians, and he waited anxiously, balanced on +one foot, for an expression of shocked opinion. It was after we had +passed Mont Valerien, frowning on the horizon, that the man in the pink +cotton shirt began to grow restive under so much instruction. He told +the serious person that his name was Hinkson of Iowa, and the serious +person was induced to reply that his was Pabbley of Simcoe, Ontario. It +was insubordination--the guide was talking about the shelling from Mont +Valerien at the time, with the most patriotic dislocations in his +grammar. + +"You understan', you see?" he concluded. "Now those two genelmen, they +_don'_ understan', and they _don'_ see. An' when they get back to the +United States they won' be able to tell their wives an' sweethearts +anythin' about Mont Valerien! All right, genelmen--please yourselves. +_Mais_ you please remember I am just like William Shekspeare--I give no +_repétition_!" + +It was then that the serious man demonstrated that Britons, even the +North American kind, never, never would be slaves. Placing his black +silk hat carefully a little further back on his head, he leaned forward. + +"Now look here, mister," he said, "you're as personal as a Yankee +newspaper. So far as I know, you're not the friend of my childhood, nor +the companion of my later years, except for this trip only, and I'd just +as soon you realised it. As far as I know, you're paid to point out +objects of historical interest. Don't you trouble to entertain us any +further than that. We'll excuse you!" + +"Ladies--an' genelmen," continued the guide calmly, "in a lil' short +while we shall be approached to the town of St. Cloud. At that town of +St. Cloud will be one genelman will take the excellen' group--fotograff. +To appear in that fotograff, you will please all keep together with me. +Afterwards, you will look at the fountains, at the magnificent panorama +de Paris, and we go on to Versailles. On the return journey, if you like +that fotograff you can buy, if you don't like, you don' buy. An' if you +got no wife an' no sweetheart all the same you keep your temper!" + +But Mr. Pabbley had settled his hat in its normal position and did not +intend to clear his brow for action again. All might have gone well, had +it not been for the patriotic sensitiveness of Mr. Hinkson of Iowa. + +"I think I heard you pass a remark about American newspapers, sir," said +Mr Hinkson of Iowa. "Think you've got any better in Canada?" + +Mr. Pabbley smiled. There may have been some fancied superiority in the +smile. + +"I guess they suit us better," he said. + +"Got any circulation figures about you?" + +"Not being an advertising agent, I don't carry them." + +"I see!" Mr. Hinkson's manner of saying he saw clearly implied that +there might have been other reasons why Mr. Pabbley declined to produce +those figures. We were all listening now, and the guide had subsided +upon the box seat. The Senator's face wore the judicial expression it +always assumes when he has a difficulty in keeping himself out of the +conversation. It became easier than ever to separate the Republican and +the British elements on that coach. + +"Well," said Mr. Hinkson, "don't you folks get pretty tired of paying +Victoria taxes sometimes?" + +The British contingent seemed to find this amusing. The Americans looked +as if it were no laughing matter. + +"I don't believe Her Majesty is much the richer for all she gets out of +us," said Mr. Pabbley. + +"Oh, I guess you send over a pretty good lump per annum, don't you?" + +"Not a red cent, sir," said Mr. Pabbley decisively. "We run our own +show." + +"What about that aristocrat that rules the country up at Ottawa?" + +"Oh, _he_ hasn't got any say! We get him out and pay him a salary to +save ourselves the trouble of electing a president. A presidential +election's bad for business, bad for politics, bad for morals." + +"You seem to know. Doesn't it ever make you tired to hear yourselves +called subjects? Don't you ever want to be free and equal, like us? +Trot out the truth now--the George Washington article!" + +"Mister," said Mr. Pabbley, "I flatter myself that Canadians are a good +deal like United States folks already, and I don't mind congratulating +both our nations on the resemblance. But I'm bound to add that, while I +would wish to imitate the American people in many ways still further, I +wouldn't be like you personally, no, not under any circumstances nor in +any respect." + +At this moment it was necessary to dismount, and, as poppa and I both +immediately became engaged in reconciling momma to the necessity of +walking to the top of the plateau, I lost the rest of the conversation. +Momma, when it was necessary to walk anywhere, always became pathetic +and offered to stay behind alone. She declared on this occasion that she +would be perfectly happy in the coach with the dear horses, and poppa +had to resort to extreme measures. "Please yourself, Augusta," he said. +"Your lightest whim is law to me, and you know it. But I'm going to hate +standing up in that photograph all alone with my only child, like any +widower." + +"Alexander!" exclaimed momma at once. "What a dreadful idea! I think I +might be able to manage it." + +The photographer was there with his camera. The guide marshalled us up +to him, falling back now and then to bark at the heels of the lagging +ones, and, with the assistance of a bench and an acacia, we were rapidly +arranged, the short ones standing up, the tall ones sitting down, +everyone assuming his most pleasing expression, and the Misses Bingham +standing alone, apart, on the brink, looking on under an umbrella that +seemed to protect them from intimate association with the democracy in +any form. We saw the guide approach them in gingerly inquiry, but, +before simultaneous waves of their two black fans, he retired in +disorder. The bride had slipped her hand upon her husband's shoulder, +just to mark his identity; the fat gentleman had removed his hat and +hurriedly put it on again, and the photographer had gone under his +curtain for the third time, when Mr. Hinkson of Iowa, who sat in a +conspicuous cross-legged position in the foreground, drew from his +pocket a handkerchief and spread it carefully out over one knee. It was +not an ordinary handkerchief, it was a pocket edition of the Stars and +Stripes, all red, and blue, and white, and it attracted the instant +attention of every eye. One of the eyes was Mr. Pabbley's, who appeared +to clear the group at a bound in consequence. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Pabbley with vehemence, "does +anyone happen to have a Union Jack about him or her?" + +They felt in their pockets, but they hadn't. + +"Then," said Mr. Pabbley, who was evidently aroused, "unless the +gentleman from Iowa will withdraw his handkerchief, I refuse to sit." + +"I guess we aren't any of us annexationists," said a middle-aged woman +from Toronto in a duster, and proceeded to follow Mr. Pabbley. + +The rest of the Canadians looked at each other undecidedly for a moment +and then slowly filed after the middle-aged woman. There remained the +mere wreck of a group clustering round the national emblem on the leg of +Mr. Hinkson. The guide was expostulating himself speechless, the +photographer was in convulsions, the Senator saw it was time to +interfere. Leaning over, he gently tapped the patriot from Iowa on the +shoulder. + +"Aren't you satisfied with the sixty million fellow-citizens you've got +already," said poppa, "that you want to grab nine half-starved Canucks +with a hand camera?" + +"They're in the majority here," said Mr. Hinkson fiercely, "and I dare +any one of 'em to touch that flag. Go along over there and join 'em if +you like--they're goin' to be done by themselves--to send to Queen +Victoria!" + +But that was further than anybody would go, even in defence of +cosmopolitanism. The Republic rallied round Mr. Hinkson's leg, while the +Dominion with much dignity supported Mr. Pabbley. As momma said, human +nature is perfectly extraordinary. + +For the rest of the journey to Versailles there was hardly any +international conversation. Mr. Hinkson tied his handkerchief round his +neck, and the Canadians tried to look as if they had no objection. We +passed through the villages of Montretout and Buze. I know we did +because momma took down the names, but I fancy they couldn't have +differed much from the general landscape, for I don't remember a thing +about them. The Misses Bingham came and sat next us at luncheon, which +flattered both momma and me immensely, though the Senator didn't seem +able to see where the distinction came in, and during this meal they +pointed out the fact that Mr. Hinkson was drinking lemonade with his +roast mutton, and asked us how we _could_ travel with such a +combination. I remember poppa said that it was a combination that Mr. +Hinkson and Mr. Hinkson only had to deal with, but momma and I felt the +obloquy of it a good deal, though when we came to think of it we were no +more responsible for Mr. Hinkson than the Misses Bingham were. After +that, walking rapidly behind the guide, we covered centuries of French +history, illustrated by chairs and tables and fire-irons and chandeliers +and four-post beds. Momma told me afterwards that she was rather sorry +she had taken me with the guide through Madame du Barry's fascinating +Petit Trianon, the things he didn't say sounded so improper, but when I +assured her that it was only contemporary scandal that had any effect on +our morals, she said she supposed that was so, and somehow one never did +expect people who wore curled wigs and knee-breeches to behave quite +prettily. The rooms were dotted with groups of people who had come in +fiacres or by tramway, which made it difficult for the guide to impart +his information only to those who had paid for it. He generally +surmounted this by saying, "Ladies and genelmen, I want you to stick +closer than brothers. When you hear me a-talkin' don' you go turnin' +over your Baedekers and lookin' out of the window. If I didn't know a +great big sight more about Versailles than Baedeker does I wouldn't be +here makin' a clown of myself; an' I'll show you the view out of the +window all in good time. You see that lady an' two genelmen over there? +_They're_ listenin' all right enough because they don't belong to this +party an' they want to get a little information cheap price. All +right--I let 'em have it!" At which the lady and two gentlemen usually +melted away looking annoyed. + +We were fascinated with the coaches of state and much impressed with the +cost of them. As momma said, it took so very _little_ imagination to +conjure up a Royal Philip inside bowing to the populace. + +"What a pity we couldn't have had them over!" said poppa indiscreetly. + +"Where you mean?" demanded the guide, "over to America? I know--for that +ole Chicago show! You are the five hundred American who has said that to +me this summer! Number five hundred! Nossir, we don't lend those +carriage. We don't even drive them ourself." + +"No more kings and queens nowadays," remarked Mr. Hinkson, "this +century's got no use for them." + +I think the guide was a Monarchist. "Nossir," he said, "you don't see no +more kings an' queens of France, but you do see a good many people +travellin' that's nothin' like so good for trade." + +At which Mr. Pabbley's eye sought that of the guide, and expressed its +appreciation in a marked and joyous wink. + +In the Palace, especially in the picture rooms, there were generally +benches along the walls. When momma observed this she arranged that she +should go on ahead and sit down and get the impression, while poppa and +I caught up from time to time with the guide and the information. The +guide was quite agreeable about it, when it was explained to him. + +He was either a very thoughtless or a very insincere person, however. +Stopping before the portrait of an officer in uniform, he drew us all +together. The Canadians, headed by Mr. Pabbley, were well to the fore, +and it was to them in particular that he appeared to address himself +when he said, "Take a good look at this picture, ladies and genelmen. +There is a man wat lives in your 'istory an', if I may say, in your +'art--as he does in ours. There's a man, ladies and genelmen, that +helped you on to liberty. Take a good look at 'im, you'll be glad to +remember it afterward." + +And it was General Lafayette! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +It was after dinner and we were sitting in the little courtyard of the +hotel in the dark without our hats--that is, momma and I; the Senator +was seldom altogether without his hat. I think he would have felt it to +be a little indecent. The courtyard was paved, and there were flowers on +the stand in the middle of it, natural palms and artificial begonias +mixed with the most annoying cleverness, and little tables for coffee +cups or glasses were scattered about. Outside beyond the hotel vestibule +one could see and hear Paris rolling by in the gaslight. It was the only +place in the hotel that did not smell of furniture, so we frequented it. +So did Mr. Malt and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. That +was chiefly how we made the acquaintance of the Malt party. You can't +very well sit out in the dark in a foreign capital with a family from +your own State and not get to know them. Besides poppa never could +overcome his feeling of indebtedness to Mr. Malt. They were taking +Emmeline abroad for her health. She was the popular thirteen-year-old +only child of American families, and she certainly was thin. I remember +being pleased, sometimes, considering her in her typical capacity, that +I once had a little brother, though he died before I was born. + +The two gentlemen were smoking; we could see nothing but the ends of +their cigars glowing in their immediate vicinity. Momma was saying that +the situation was very romantic, and Mr. Malt had assured her that it +was nothing to what we would experience in Italy. "That's where you +_get_ romance," said Mr. Malt, and his cigar end dropped like a falling +star as he removed the ash. "Italy's been romantic ever since B.C. All +through the time the rest of the world was inventing Magna Chartas and +Doomsday Books, and Parliaments, and printing presses, and steam +engines, Italy's gone right on turning out romance. Result is, a better +quality of that article to be had in Italy to-day than anywhere else. +Further result, twenty million pounds spent there annually by tourists +from all parts of the civilised world. Romance, like anything else, can +be made to pay." + +"Are we likely to find the beds----" began Mrs. Malt plaintively. + +"Oh dear yes, Mrs. Malt!" interrupted momma, who thought everything +entomological extremely indelicate. "Perfectly. You have only to go to +the hotels the guide-books recommend, and everything will be quite +_propre_." + +"Well," said Emmeline, "they may be _propre_ in Italy, but they're not +_propre_ in Paris. We had to speak to the housemaid yesterday morning, +didn't we, mother? Don't you remember the back of my neck?" + +"We all suffered!" declared Mrs. Malt. + +"And I _showed_ one to her, mother, and all she would say was, '_Jamais +ici, mademoiselle, ici, jamais!_' And there it _was_ you know." + +"Emmeline," said her father, "isn't it about time for you to want to go +to bed?" + +"Not by about three hours. I'm going to get up a little music first. Do +you play, Mis' Wick?" + +Momma said she didn't, and Miss Malt disappeared in search of other +performers. "Don't you go asking strangers to play, Emmeline," her +mother called after her. "They'll think it forward of you." + +"When Emmeline leaves us," said her father, "I always have a kind of +abandoned feeling, like a top that's got to the end of its spin." + +There was silence for a moment, and then the Senator said he thought he +could understand that. + +"Well," continued Mr. Malt, "you've had three whole days now. I presume +you're beginning to know your way around." + +"I think we may say we've made pretty good use of our time," responded +the Senator. "This morning we had a look in at the Luxembourg picture +gallery, and the Madeleine, and Napoleon's Tomb, and the site of the +Bastile. This afternoon we took a run down to Notre Dame Cathedral. +That's a very fine building, sir." + +"You saw the Morgue, of course, when you were in that direction," +remarked Mr. Malt. + +"Why no," poppa confessed, "we haven't taken much of liking for live +Frenchmen, up to the present, and I don't suppose dead ones would be any +more attractive." + +"Oh, there's nothing unpleasant," said Mrs. Malt, "nothing that you can +_notice_." + +"Nothing at all," said Mr. Malt. "They refrigerate them, you know. We +send our beef to England by the same process----" + +"There are people," the Senator interrupted, "who never can see anything +amusing in a corpse." + +"They don't let you in as a matter of course," Mr. Malt went on. "You +have to pretend that you're looking for a relation." + +"We had to mention Uncle Sammy," said Mrs. Malt. + +"An uncle of Mis' Malt's who went to California in '49 and was never +heard of afterward," Mr. Malt explained. "First use he's ever been to +his family. Well, there they were, seven of 'em, lying there looking at +you yesterday. All in good condition. I was told they have a place +downstairs for the older ones." + +"Alexander," said momma faintly, "I think I _should_ like a little +brandy in my coffee. Were there--were there any ladies among them, Mr. +Malt?" + +"Three," Mr. Malt responded briskly, "and one of them had her hair----" + +"Then _please_ don't tell us about them," momma exclaimed, and the +silence that ensued was one of slight indignation on the part of the +Malt family. + +"You been seeing the town at all, evenings?" Mr. Malt inquired of the +Senator. + +"I can't say I have. We've been seeing so much of it in the daytime, we +haven't felt able to enjoy anything at night except our beds," poppa +returned with his accustomed candour. + +"Just so. All the same there's a good deal going on in Paris after +supper." + +"So I've always been told," said the Senator, lighting another cigar. + +"They've got what you might call characteristic shows here. You see a +lot of life." + +"Can you take your ladies?" asked the Senator. + +"Well of course you _can_, but I don't believe they would find it +interesting." + +"Too much life," said the Senator. "I guess that settles it for me too. +I daresay I'm lacking in originality and enterprise, but I generally ask +myself about an entertainment, 'Are Mrs. and Miss Wick likely to enjoy +it?' If so, well and good. If not, I don't as a rule take it in." + +"He's a great comfort that way," remarked momma to Mrs. Malt. + +"Oh, I don't _frequent_ them myself," said Mr. Malt defensively. + +"Talking of improprieties," remarked Miss Callis, "have you seen the +New Salon?" + +There was something very unexpected about Miss Callis; momma complained +of it. Her remarks were never polished by reflection. She called herself +a child of nature, but she really resided in Brooklyn. + +The Senator said we had not. + +"Then don't you go, Mr. Wick. There's a picture there----" + +"We never look at such pictures, Miss Callis," momma interrupted. + +"It's _so_ French," said Miss Callis. + +Momma drew her shawl round her preparatory to withdrawing, but it was +too late. + +"Too French for words," continued Miss Callis. "The poet Lamartine, with +a note-book and pencil in his hand, seated in a triumphal chariot, drawn +through the clouds by beautiful Muses." + +"Oh," said momma, in a relieved voice, "there's nothing so dreadfully +French about that." + +"You should have seen it," said Miss Callis. "It was simply immoral. +Lamartine was in a frock coat!" + +"There could have been nothing objectionable in that," momma repeated. +"I suppose the Muses----" + +"The Muses were not in frock coats. They were dressed in their +traditions," replied Miss Callis, "but they couldn't save the situation, +poor dears." + +Momma looked as if she wished she had the courage to ask Miss Callis to +explain. + +"In picture galleries," remarked poppa, "we've seen only the Luxembourg +and the Louvre. The Louvre, I acknowledge, is worthy of a second visit. +But I don't believe we'll have time to get round again." + +"We've got to get a hustle on ourselves in a day or two," said Mr. Malt, +as we separated for the night. "There's all Italy and Switzerland +waiting for us, and they're bound to be done, because we've got circular +tickets. But there's something about this town that I hate to leave." + +"He doesn't know whether it's the Arc de Triomphe on the Bois de +Boulogne or the Opera Comique, or what," said Mrs. Malt in affectionate +criticism. "But we've been here a week over our time now, and he doesn't +seem able to tear himself away." + +"I'll tell you what it is," exclaimed Mr. Malt, producing a newspaper, +"it's this little old _New York Herald_. There's no use comparing it +with any American newspaper, and it wouldn't be fair to do so; but I +wonder these French rags, in a foreign tongue, aren't ashamed to be +published in the same capital with it. It doesn't take above a quarter +of an hour to read in the mornings, but it's a quarter of an hour of +solid comfort that you don't expect somehow abroad. If the _New York +Herald_ were only published in Rome I wouldn't mind going there." + +"There's something," said poppa, thoughtfully, as we ascended to the +third floor, "in what Malt says." + +Next day we spent an hour buying trunks for the accommodation of the +unattainable elsewhere. Then poppa reminded us that we had an important +satisfaction yet to experience. "Business before pleasure," he said, +"certainly. But we've been improving our minds pretty hard for the last +few days, and I feel the need of a little relaxation. D.V. and W.P., I +propose this afternoon to make the ascent of the Eiffel Tower. Are you +on?" + +"I will accompany you, Alexander, if it is safe," said momma, "and, if +it is unsafe, I couldn't possibly let you go without me." + +Momma is naturally a person of some timidity, but when the Senator +proposes to incur any danger, she always suggests that he shall do it +over her dead body. + +I forget where we were at the time, but I know that we had only to walk +through the perpetual motion of Paris, across a bridge, and down a few +steps on the other side, to find the little steamer that took us by the +river to the Tower. We might have gone by omnibus or by fiacre, but if +we had we should never have known what a street the Seine is, sliding +through Paris, brown in the open sun, dark under the shadowing arches of +the bridges, full of hastening comers and goers from landing-place to +landing-place, up and down. It gave us quite a new familiarity with the +river, which had been before only a part of the landscape, and one of +the things that made Paris imposing. We saw that it was a highway of +traffic, and that the little, brisk, business-like steamers were full of +people, who went about in them because it was the cheapest and most +convenient way, and not at all for the pleasure of a trip by water. We +noticed, too, a difference in these river-going people. Some of them +carried baskets, and some of them read the _Petit Journal_, and they all +comfortably submitted to the good-natured bullying of the mariner in +charge. There were elderly women in black, with a button or two off +their tight bodices, and children with patched shoes carrying an +assortment of vegetables, and middle-aged men in slouch hats, smoking +tobacco that would have been forbidden by public statute anywhere else. +They all treated us with a respect and consideration which we had not +observed in the Avenue de l'Opera, and I noticed the Senator visibly +expanding in it. There was also a man and a little boy, and a dog, all +lunching out of the same basket. Afterward, on being requested to do so, +the dog performed tricks--French ones--to the enjoyment and satisfaction +of all three. There was a great deal of politeness and good feeling, and +if they were not Capi and Remi and Vitalis in "_Sans Famille_," it was +merely because their circumstances were different. + +As we stood looking at the Eiffel Tower, poppa said he thought if he +were in my place he wouldn't describe it. "It's old news," he said, "and +there's nothing the general public dislike so much as that. Every +hotel-porter in Chicago knows that it's three hundred metres high, and +that you can see through it all the way up. There it is, and I feel as +if I'd passed my boyhood in its shadow. That way I must say it's a +disappointment. I was expecting it to be more unexpected, if you +understand." + +Momma and I quite agreed. It had the familiarity of a demonstration of +Euclid, and to the non-engineering mind was about as interesting. The +Senator felt so well acquainted with it that he hesitated about buying a +descriptive pamphlet. "They want to sell a stranger too much information +in this country," he said. "The meanest American intelligence is equal +to stepping into an elevator and stepping out again." But he bought one +nevertheless, and was particularly pleased with it, not only because it +was the cheapest thing in Paris at five cents, but because, as he said +himself, it contained an amount of enthusiasm not usually available at +any price. + +The Senator thought, as we entered the elevator at the first story, that +the accommodation compared very well indeed with anything in his +experience. He had only one criticism--there was no smoking-room. We had +a slight difficulty with momma at the second story--she did not wish to +change her elevator. Inside she said she felt perfectly secure, but the +tower itself she knew _must_ waggle at that height when once you stepped +out. In the end, however, we persuaded her not to go down before she had +made the ascent, and she rose to the top with her eyes shut. When we +finally got out, however, the sight of numbers of young ladies selling +Eiffel Tower mementoes steadied her nerves. She agreed with poppa that +business premises would never let on anything but the most stable basis. + +"It's exactly as Bramley said," remarked the Senator. "You're up so high +that the scenery, so far as Paris is concerned, becomes perfectly +ridiculous. It might as well be a map." + +"_Don't_ look over, Alexander," said momma. "It will fill you with a +wild desire to throw yourself down. It is said _always_ to have that +effect." + +"'The past ends in this plain at your feet,'" quoted poppa critically +from the guide-book, "'the future will there be fulfilled.' I suppose +they did feel a bit uppish when they'd got as high as this--but you'd +think France was about the only republic at present doing business, +wouldn't you?" + +I pointed out the Pantheon down below and St. Etienne du Mont, and poppa +was immediately filled with a poignant regret that we had spent so much +time seeing public buildings on foot. "Whereas," said he, "from our +present point of view we could have done them all in ten minutes. As it +is, we shall be in a position to say we've seen everything there is to +be seen in Paris. Bramley won't be able to tell us it's a pity we've +missed anything. However," he continued, "we must be conscientious about +it. I've no desire to play it low down on Bramley. Let us walk round and +pick out the places of interest he's most likely to expect to catch us +on, and look at them separately. I should hate to think I wasn't telling +the truth about a thing like that." + +We walked round and specifically observed the "Ecole des Beaux Arts," +the "Palais d'Industrie," "Liberty Enlightening the World," and other +objects, poppa carefully noting against each of them "seen from Eiffel +Tower." As we made our way to the river side we noticed four other +people, two ladies and two gentlemen, looking at the military balloon +hanging over Meudon. They all had their backs to us, and there was to me +something dissimilarly familiar about three of those backs. While I was +trying to analyse it one of the gentlemen turned, and caught sight of +poppa. In another instant the highest elevation yet made by engineering +skill was the scene of three impetuous American handclasps, and four +impulsive American voices were saying, "Why how _do_ you do!" The +gentleman was Mr. Richard Dod of Chicago, known to our family without +interruption since he wore long clothes. Mr. Dod had come into his +patrimony and simultaneously disappeared in the direction of Europe six +months before, since when we had only heard vaguely that he had lost +most of it, but was inalterably cheerful; and there was nobody, +apparently, he expected so little or desired so much to see in Paris as +the Senator, momma and me. Poppa called him "Dick, my boy," momma called +him "my dear Dicky," I called him plain "Dick," and when this had been +going on for, possibly, five minutes, the older and larger of the two +ladies of the party swung round with a majesty I at once associated with +my earlier London experiences, and regarded us through her _pince nez_. +There was no mistaking her disapproval. I had seen it before. We were +Americans and she was Mrs. Portheris of Half Moon-street, Piccadilly. I +saw that she recognised me and was trying to make up her mind whether, +in view of the complication of Mr. Dod, to bow or not. But the woman who +hesitates is lost, even though she be a British matron of massive +prejudices and a figure to match. In Mrs. Portheris's instant of +vacillation, I stepped forward with such enthusiasm that she was +compelled to take down her _pince nez_ and hold out a superior hand. I +took it warmly, and turned to my parents with a joy which was not in the +least affected. "Momma," I exclaimed, "try to think of the very last +person who would naturally cross your mind--our relation, Mrs. +Portheris. Poppa, allow me to introduce you to your aunt--Mrs. +Portheris. Your far distant nephew from Chicago, Mr. Joshua Peter Wick." + +It was a moment to be remembered--we all said so afterwards. Everything +hung upon Mrs. Portheris's attitude. But it was immediately evident that +Mrs. Portheris considered parents of any kind excusable, even +commendable! Her manner said as much--it also implied, however, that she +could not possibly be held responsible for transatlantic connections by +a former marriage. Momma was nervous, but collected. She bowed a distant +Wastgaggle bow, an heirloom in the family, which gave Mrs. Portheris to +understand that if any cordiality was to characterise the occasion, it +would have to emanate from her. Besides, Mrs. Portheris was poppa's +relation, and would naturally have to be guarded against. Poppa, on the +other hand, was cordiality itself--he always is. + +"Why, is that so?" said poppa, looking earnestly at Mrs. Portheris and +firmly retaining her hand. "Is this my very own Aunt Caroline?" + +"At one time," responded Mrs. Portheris with a difficult smile, "and, I +fear, by marriage only." + +"Ah, to be sure, to be sure! Poor Uncle Jimmy gave place to another. But +we won't say anything more about that. Especially as you've been equally +unfortunate with your second," said poppa sympathetically. "Well, I'm +sure I'm pleased to meet you--glad to shake you by the hand." He gave +that member one more pressure as he spoke and relinquished it. + +"It is extremely unlooked for," replied his Aunt Caroline, and looked at +Mr. Dod, who quailed, as if he were in some way responsible for it. "I +confess I am not in the habit of meeting my connections promiscuously +abroad." When we came to analyse the impropriety of this it was +difficult, but we felt as a family very disreputable at the time. Mr. +Dod radiated sympathy for us. Poppa looked concerned. + +"The fact is," said he, "we ought to have called on you at your London +residence, Aunt Caroline. And if we had been able to make a more +protracted stay than just about long enough, as you might say, to see +what time it was, we would have done so. But you see how it was." + +"Pray don't mention it," said Mrs. Portheris. "It is very unlikely that +I should have been at home." + +"Then _that's_ all right," poppa replied with relief. + +"London has so many monuments," murmured Dicky Dod, regarding Mrs. +Portheris's impressive back. "It is quite impossible to visit them all." + +"The view from here," our relation remarked in a leave-taking tone, "is +very beautiful, is it not?" + +"It's very extensive," replied poppa, "but I notice the inhabitants +round about seem to think it embraces the biggest part of civilisation. +I admit it's a good-sized view, but that's what I call enlarging upon +it." + +"Come, Mr. Dod," commanded Mrs. Portheris, "we must rejoin the rest of +our party. They are on the other side." + +"Certainly," said Dicky. "But you must give me your address, Mrs. Wick. +Thanks. And there now! I've been away from Illinois a good long time, +but I'm not going to forget to congratulate Chicago on getting you once +more into the United States Senate, Mr. Wick. I did what I could in my +humble way, you know." + +"I _know_ you did, Richard," returned poppa warmly, "and if there's any +little Consulship in foreign parts that it would amuse you to fill----" + +Mrs. Portheris, in the act of exchanging unemotional farewells with +mamma, turned round. "Do I understand that you are now a _Senator_?" she +inquired. "I had no idea of it. It is certainly a distinction--an +American distinction, of course--but you can't help that. It does you +credit. I trust you will use your influence to put an end to the +Mormons." + +"As far as that goes," poppa returned with deprecation, "I believe my +business does take me to the Capitol pretty regularly now. But I'd be +sorry to think any more of myself on that account. Your nephew, Aunt +Caroline, is just the same plain American he was before." + +"I hope you will vote to exterminate them," continued Mrs. Portheris +with decision. "Dear me! A Senator--I suppose you must have a great deal +of influence in your own country! Ah, here are the truants! We might all +go down in the lift together." + +The truants appeared looking conscious. One of them, when he saw me, +looked astonished as well, and I cannot say that I myself was perfectly +unmoved when I realised that it was Mr. Mafferton! There was no reason +why Mr. Mafferton should not have been at the top of the Eiffel Tower in +the society of Mrs. Portheris, Mr. Dod, and another, that afternoon, but +for the moment it seemed to me uniquely amazing. We shook hands, +however--it was the only thing to do--and Mr. Mafferton said this was +indeed a surprise as if it were the most ordinary thing possible. Mrs. +Portheris looked on at our greeting with an air of objecting to things +she had not been taught to expect, and remarked that she had no idea Mr. +Mafferton was one of my London acquaintances. "But then," she continued +in a tone of just reproach, "I saw so little of you during your season +in town that you might have made the Queen's acquaintance and all the +Royal Family, and I should have been none the wiser." + +It was too much to expect of one's momma that she should let an +opportunity like that slip, and mine took hold of it with both hands. + +"I believe my daughter did make Victoria's acquaintance, Mrs. +Portheris," said she, "and we were all very pleased about it. Your Queen +has a very good reputation in our country. We think her a wise sovereign +and a perfect lady. I suppose you often go to her Drawing Rooms." + +Mrs. Portheris wore the expression of one passing through the Stone Age +to a somewhat more mobile period. "I really think," she said, "I should +have been made aware of that. To have had a young relative presented +without one's knowledge seems _too_ extraordinary. No," she continued, +turning to poppa, "the only thing I heard of this young lady--it came to +me in a _very_ roundabout manner--was that she had gone home to be +_married_. Was not that your intention?" asked Mrs. Portheris, turning +to me. + +"It was," I said. There was nothing else to say. + +"Then may I inquire if you fulfilled it?" + +"I didn't, Mrs. Portheris," said I. I was very red, but not so red as +Mr. Mafferton. "Circumstances interfered." I was prepared for an inquiry +as to what the circumstances were, and privately made up my mind that +Mrs. Portheris was too distant a relation to be gratified with such +information in the publicity of the Eiffel Tower. But she merely looked +at me with suspicion, and said it was much better that young people +should discover their unsuitability to one another before marriage than +after. "I can conceive nothing more shocking than divorce," said Mrs. +Portheris, and her tone indicated that I had probably narrowly escaped +it. + +We were rather a large party as we made our way to the elevator, and I +found myself behind the others in conversation with Dicky Dod. It was a +happiness to come thus unexpectedly upon Dicky Dod--he gave forth all +that is most exhilarating in our democratic civilisation, and he was in +excellent spirits. As the young lady of Mrs. Portheris's party joined us +I thought I found a barometric reading in Mr. Dod's countenance that +explained the situation. "I remember you," she said shyly, and there was +something in this innocent audacity and the blush which accompanied it +that helped me to remember her too. "You came to see mamma in Half +Moon-street once. I am Isabel." + +"Dear me!" I replied, "so you are. I remember--you had to go upstairs, +hadn't you. Please don't mind," I went on hastily as Isabel looked +distressed, "you couldn't help it. I was very unexpected, and I might +have been dangerous. How--how you've _grown_!" I really couldn't think +of anything else to say. + +Isabel blushed again, Dicky observing with absorbed adoration. It _was_ +lovely colour. "You know I haven't really," she said, "it's all one's +long frocks and doing up one's hair, you know." + +"Miss Portheris only came out two months ago," remarked Mr. Dod, with +the effect of announcing that Venus had just arisen from the foam. + +"Come, young people," Mrs. Portheris exclaimed from the lift; "we are +waiting for you." Poppa and momma and Mr. Mafferton were already inside. +Mrs. Portheris stood in the door. As Isabel entered, I saw that Mr. Dod +was making the wildest efforts to communicate something to me with his +left eye. + +"Come, young people," repeated Mrs. Portheris. + +"Do you think it's safe for so many?" asked Dicky doubtfully. "Suppose +anything should _give_, you know!" + +Mrs. Portheris looked undecided. Momma, from the interior, immediately +proposed to get out. + +"Safe as a church," remarked the Senator. + +"What _do_ you mean, Dod?" demanded Mr. Mafferton. + +"Well, it's like this," said Dicky; "Miss Wick is rather nervous about +overcrowding, and I think it's better to run no risks myself. You all go +down, and we'll follow you next trip. See?" + +"I suppose you will hardly allow _that_, Mrs. Wick," said our relation, +with ominous portent. + +"_Est ce que vous voulez à déscendre, monsieur?_" inquired the official +attached to the elevator, with some impatience. + +"I don't see what there is to object to--I suppose it _would_ be safer," +momma replied anxiously, and the official again demanded if we were +going down. + +"Not this trip, thank you," said Dicky, and turned away. Mrs. Portheris, +who had taken her seat, rose with dignity. "In that case," said she, "I +also will remain at the top;" but her determination arrived too late. +With a ferocious gesture the little official shut the door and gave the +signal, and Mrs. Portheris sank earthwards, a vision of outraged +propriety. I felt sorry for momma. + +"And now," I inquired of Mr. Dod, "why was the elevator not safe?" + +"I'll tell you," said Dicky. "Do you know Mrs. Portheris well?" + +"Very slightly indeed," I replied. + +"Not well enough to--sort of chum up with our party, I suppose." + +"Not for worlds," said I. + +Dicky looked so disconsolate that I was touched. + +"Still," I said, "you'd better trot out the circumstances, Dicky. We +haven't forgotten what you did in your humble way, you know, at election +time. I can promise for the family that we'll do anything we can. You +mustn't ask us to poison her, but we might lead her into the influenza." + +"It's this way," said Mr. Dod. "How remarkably contracted the Place de +la Concorde looks down there, doesn't it! It's like looking through the +wrong end of an opera glass." + +"I've observed that," I said. "It won't be fair to keep them waiting +_very_ long down there on the earth, you know, Dicky." + +"Certainly not! Well, as I was saying, your poppa's Aunt Caroline is a +perfect fiend of a chaperone. By Jove, Mamie, let's be silhouetted!" + +"Poppa was silhouetted," I said, "and the artist turned him out the +image of Senator Frye. Now he doesn't resemble Senator Frye in the least +degree. The elevator is ascending, Richard." + +Richard blushed and looked intently at the horizon beyond Montmartre. + +"You see, between Miss Portheris and me, it's this way," he began +recklessly, but with the vision before my eyes of momma on the steps +below wanting her tea, I cut him short. + +"So far as you are concerned, Dicky, I see the way it is," I interposed +sympathetically. "The question is----" + +"Exactly. So it is. About Isabel. But I can't find out. It seems to be +so difficult with an English girl. Doesn't seem to think such a thing as +a--a proposal exists. Now an American girl is just as ready----" + +"Richard," I interrupted severely, "the circumstances do not require +international comparisons. By the way, how do you happen to be +travelling with--with Mr. Mafferton?" + +"That's exactly where it comes in," Mr. Dod exclaimed luminously. "You'd +think, the way Mafferton purrs round the old lady, he'd been a friend of +the family from the beginning of time! Fact is, he met them two days +before they left London. _I_ had known them a good month, and the +venerable one seemed to take to me considerably. There wasn't a cab she +wouldn't let me call, nor a box at the theatre she wouldn't occupy, nor +a supper she wouldn't try to enjoy. Used to ask me to tea. Inquired +whether I was High or Low. That was awful, because I had to chance it, +being Congregational, but I hit it right--she's Low, too, strong. Isabel +always made the tea out of a canister the old lady kept locked. Singular +habit that, locking tea up in a canister." + +"You are wandering, Dicky," I said. "And Isabel used to ask you whether +you would have muffins or brown bread and butter--I know. Go on." + +"Girls _have_ intuition," remarked Mr. Dod with a glance of admiration +which I discounted with contempt. "Well, then old Mafferton turned up +here a week ago. Since then I haven't been waltzing in as I did before. +Old lady seems to think there's a chance of keeping the family pure +English--seems to think she'd like it better--see? At least, I take it +that way; he's cousin to a lord," Dick added dejectedly, "and you know +financially I've been coming through a cold season." + +"It's awkward," I admitted, "but old ladies of no family are like that +over here. I know Mrs. Portheris is an old lady of no family, because +she's a connection of ours, you see. What about Isabel? Can't you tell +the least bit?" + +"How can a fellow? She blushes just as much when he speaks to her as +when I do." + +"But are you quite sure," I asked delicately, "whether Mr. Mafferton +is--interested?" + +"There's the worst kind of danger of it," Dicky replied impressively. "I +don't know whether I ought to tell you, but the fact is Mafferton's just +got the sack--I beg your pardon--just been _congéed_ himself. They say +she was an American and it was a bad case; she behaved most +unfeelingly." + +"You shouldn't believe all you hear," I said, "but I don't see what that +has to do with it." + +"Why, he's just in the mood to console himself. What fellow would think +twice of being thrown over, if Miss Portheris were the alternative!" + +"It depends, Dicky," I observed. "You are jumping at conclusions." + +"What I hoped," he went on regretfully as we took our places in the +elevator, "was that we might travel together a bit and that you wouldn't +mind just now and then taking old Mafferton off our hands, you know." + +"Dicky," I said, as we swiftly descended, "here is our itinerary. +Genoa, you see, then Pisa, Rome, Naples, Rome again, Florence, Venice, +Verona, up through the lakes to Switzerland, and so on. We leave +to-morrow. If we _should_ meet again, I don't promise to undertake it +personally, but I'll see what momma can do." + +[Illustration: Breakfast with Dicky Dod.] + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +Poppa said as we steamed out of Paris that night that the Presidency +itself would not induce him to reside there, and I think he meant it. I +don't know whether the omnibus _numeros_ and the _correspondances_ where +you change, or the men sitting staring on the side walks drinking things +for hours at a time, or getting no vegetables to speak of with his +joint, annoyed him most, but he was very decided in his views. Momma and +I were not quite so certain; we had a guilty sense of ingratitude when +we thought of the creations in the van; but the cobblestones biassed +momma a good deal, who hoped she should get some sleep in Italy. I had +breakfasted that morning in the most amusing way with Dicky Dod at a +_café_ in the Champs Elysées--poppa and momma had an engagement with Mr. +and Mrs. Malt and couldn't come--and in the leniency of the recollection +I said something favourable about the Arc de Triomphe at sunset; but I +gathered from the Senator's remarks that, while the sunset was fine +enough, he didn't see the propriety in using it that way as a background +for Napoleon Bonaparte, so to speak. + +"Result is," said the Senator, "the intelligent foreigner's got pretty +nearly to go out of the town to see a sunset without having to think +about Aboukir and Alexandria. But that's Paris all over. There isn't a +street, or a public building, or a statue, or a fountain, or a thing +that doesn't shout at you, 'Look at me! Think about me! Your admiration +or your life!' Those Frenchmen don't mind it because it only repeats +what they're always saying themselves, but if you're a foreigner it gets +on your nerves. That city is too uniformly fine to be of much use to +me--it keeps me all the time wondering why I'm not in one eternal good +humour to match. There's good old London now--always looks, I should +think, just as you feel. Looks like history, too, and change, and +contrast, and the different varieties of the human lot." + +"I see what you mean, poppa," I said. "There's too much equality in +Paris, isn't there--to be interesting," but the Senator was too deeply +engaged in getting out momma's smelling salts to corroborate this +interpretation. + +It is a very long way to Genoa if you don't stop at Aix-les-Bains or +anywhere--twenty-four hours--but Mont Cenis occurs in the night, which +is suitable in a tunnel. There came a chill through the darkness that +struck to one's very marrow, and we all rose with one accord and groped +about for more rugs. When broad daylight came it was Savoy, and we +realised what we had been through. The Senator was inclined to deplore +missing the realisation of the Mont Cenis, and it was only when momma +said it was a pity he hadn't taken a train that would have brought us +through in the daytime and enabled him to examine it, that he ceased to +express regret. My parents are often vehicles of philosophy for each +other. + +Besides, in the course of the morning the Senator acknowledged that he +got more tunnels than he had any idea he had paid for. They came with a +precipitancy that interfered immensely with any connected idea of the +scenery, though momma, in my interest, did her best to form one. "Note, +my love," she said, as we began to penetrate the frontier country, "that +majestic blue summit on the horizon to the left"--obliteration, and +another tunnel! "_Don't_ miss that jagged line of snows just beyond the +back of poppa's head, dear one. Quick! they are melting away!"--but the +next tunnel was quicker. "Put down that the dazzling purity of these +lovely peaks must be realised, for it cannot be"--darkness, and the +blight of another tunnel. It was very hard on momma's imagination, and +she finally accepted the Senator's warning that it would be thrown +completely out of gear if she went on, and abandoned the attempt to form +complete sentences between tunnels. It was much simpler to exclaim +"Splendid!" or "Glorious!" which one could generally do without being +interrupted. + +We were not prepared to enjoy anything when we arrived at Genoa, but +there was Christopher Columbus in bronze, just outside the station in a +little place by himself, and we felt bound to give him our attention +before we went any further. He was patting America on the head, both of +them life size, and carrying on that historical argument with his +sailors in bas-relief below; and he looked a very fine character. As +poppa said, he was just the man you would pick out to discover America. +The Senator also remarked that you could see from the position of the +statue, right there in full view of the travelling public, that the +Genoese thought a lot of Columbus; relied upon him, in fact, as their +biggest attraction. Momma examined him from the carriage. She said it +was most gratifying to see him there in his own home, so to speak; but +her enthusiasm did not induce her to get out. Momma's patriotism has +always to be considered in connection with the state of her nerves. + +The state of all our nerves was healed in a quarter of an hour. The +Senator showed his coupons somewhat truculently, but they were received +as things of price with disarming bows and real gladness. We were led +through rambling passages into lofty white chambers, with marble floors +and iron bedsteads, full of simplicity and cleanliness, where we removed +all recollections of Paris without being obliged to consider a stuffy +carpet or satin-covered furniture. Italy, in the persons of the +_portier_ and the chambermaid, laid hold of us with intelligible smiles, +and we were charmed. Inside, the place was full of long free lines and +cool polished surfaces, and pleasant curves. Outside, a thick-fronded +palm swayed in the evening wind against a climbing hill of many-tinted, +many-windowed houses, in all the soft colours we knew of before. When +the _portier_ addressed momma as "Signora" her cup of bliss ran over, +and she made up her mind that she felt able, after all, to go down to +dinner. + +Remembering their sentiments, we bowed as slightly as possible when we +saw the Miss Binghams across the table, and the Senator threw that into +his voice, as he inquired how they liked _la belle Italie_ so far, and +whether they had had any trouble with their trunks coming in, which +might have given them to understand that his politeness was very +perfunctory. If they perceived it, they allowed it to influence them the +other way, however. They asked, almost as cordially as if we were +middle-class English people, whether we had actually survived that trip +to Versailles, and forbore to comment when we said we had enjoyed it, +beyond saying that if there was one enviable thing it was the American +capacity for pleasure. Yet one could see quite plainly that the vacuum +caused by the absence of the American capacity for pleasure was filled +in their case by something very superior to it. + +"This city new to you?" asked the Senator as the meal progressed. + +"In a _sense_, yes," replied Miss Nancy Bingham. + +"We've never _studied_ it before," said Miss Cora. + +"I suppose it has a fascination all its own," remarked momma. + +"Oh, rather!" exclaimed Miss Nancy Bingham, and I reflected that when +she was in England she must have seen a great deal of school-boy +society. I decided at once, noting its effect upon the lips of a +middle-aged maiden lady, that momma must not be allowed to pick up the +expression. + +"It's simply full of associations of old families--the Dorias, the +Pallavicinis, the Durazzos," remarked Miss Cora. "Do you gloat on the +medieval?" + +"We're perfectly prepared to," said the Senator. "I believe we've got +both Murray and Baedeker for this place. Now do you commit your facts to +memory before going to bed the night previous, or do you learn them up +as you go along?" + +"Oh," said Miss Nancy Bingham, "we are of the opinion that one should +always visit these places with a mind prepared. Though I myself have no +objection to carrying a guide-book, provided it is covered with brown +paper." + +"Then you acquire it all beforehand," commented the Senator. "That, I +must say, is commendable of you. And it's certainly the only +business-like way of proceeding. The amount of time a person loses +fooling over Baedeker on the spot----" + +"One of us does," acknowledged Miss Nancy. "We take it in turns. And I +must say it is generally my sister." And she turned to Miss Cora, who +blushed and said, "How can you, Nancy!" + +"And you use her, for that particular public building or historic +scene, as a sort of portable, self-acting reference library," remarked +poppa. "That's an idea that commends itself to me, daughter, in +connection with you." + +I was about to reply in terms of deprecation, when a confusion of sound +drifted in from the street, of arriving cabs and expostulating voices. +The Miss Binghams looked at each other in consternation and said with +one accord, "It _was_ the _Fulda_!" + +"Was it?" inquired poppa. "Do you refer to the German Lloyd steamship of +that name?" + +"We do," said Miss Nancy. "About an hour ago we were sure we saw her +steaming into the harbour." + +"She comes from New York, I suppose," momma remarked. + +"She does indeed," said Miss Nancy, "and she's been lying at the docks +unloading Americans ever since she arrived. And here they are. Cora, +have you finished?" + +Cora said she had, and without further parley the ladies rose and +rustled away. Their invading fellow-countrymen gratefully took their +places, and the Senator sent a glance of scorn after them strong enough +to make them turn round. After dinner, we saw a collection of cabin +trunks and valises standing in the entrance hall labelled BINGHAM, +and knew that Miss Nancy and Miss Cora were again in flight before the +Nemesis of the American Eagle. I will not repeat poppa's sentiments. + +On the hotel doorstep next morning waited Alessandro Bebbini. He waited +for us--an hour and a half, because momma had some re-packing to do and +we were going on next day. Nobody had asked him to wait, but he had a +carriage ready and the look of having been ordered three months +previously. He presented his card to the Senator, who glanced at him and +said, "Do I _look_ as if I wanted a shave?" + +Alessandro Bebbini smiled--an olive flash of pity and amusement. "I make +not the shava, Signore," he said, "I am the courier--for your kind +dispositione I am here." + +"You should _never_ judge foreigners by their appearance, Alexander," +rebuked momma. + +"Well, Mr. Bebbini," said the Senator, "I guess I've got to apologise to +you. You see they told me inside there that I should probably find a--a +tonsorial artist out here on the steps"--poppa never minds telling a +story to save people's feelings. "But you haven't convinced me," he +continued, "that I've got any use for a courier." + +"You wish see Genoa--is it not?" + +"Well, yes," replied the Senator, "it is." + +"Then with me you come alonga. I will translate you the city--shoppia, +pallass--w'at you like. Also I am not dear man neither. In the season +yes. Then I am very dear. But now is nobody." + +"What does your time cost to buy?" demanded poppa. + +"Very cheap price. Two francs one hour. Ten francs one day. But if with +you I travel, make arrangimento, you und'stan', look for traina--'otel, +_biglietto, bagaglia_--then I am so little you laugh. Two 'undred franc +the month!" and Alessandro indicated with every muscle of his body the +amazement he expected us to feel. + +The Senator turned to the ladies of his family. "Now that I think of +it," he said, "travels in Italy are never written without a courier. +People wouldn't believe they were authentic. And Bramley said if you +really wanted to enjoy yourself it was folly not to engage one." + +"I suppose there's more _choice_ in the season," said momma, glancing +disapprovingly at Alessandro's swarthy collar. "And I confess I should +have expected them to be garbed more picturesquely." + +"Look at his language," I remarked. "You can't have everything." + +The Senator said that was so. "I believe you can come along, Mr. +Bebbini," he said; "we're strangers here and we'll get you to help us to +enjoy ourselves for a month on the terms you name. You can begin right +away." + +Alessandro bowed and waved us to the carriage. It was only the ordinary +commercial bow of Italy, but I could see that it made a difference to +momma. He saw us seated and was climbing on the box when poppa +interfered. "There's no use trying to work it that way," he said; "we +can't ask you to twist your head off every time you emit a piece of +information. Besides, there's no sense in your riding on the box when +there's an extra seat. You won't crowd us any, Mr. Bebbini, and I guess +we can refrain from discussing family matters for _one_ hour." + +So we started, with Mr. Bebbini at short range. + +"I think," said he, "you lika first off the 'ouse of Cristoforo +Colombo." + +"I don't see how you knew," said poppa, "but you are perfectly correct. +Cristoforo was one of the most distinguished Americans on the roll of +history, and we, also, are Americans. At once, at once to the habitation +of Cristoforo." + +Alessandro leaned forward impressively. + +"Who informa you Cristoforo Colombo was Americano? Better you don't +believe these other guide--ignoranta fella. Cristoforo was Genoa man, +born here, you und'stan'? Italiano. Only live in America a lill' +w'ile--to discover, you und'stan'?" + +"Mr. Bebbini," said poppa, "if you go around contradicting Americans on +the subject of Christopher Columbus your business will decrease. As a +matter of fact, Christopher wasn't born, he was made, and America made +him. He has every right to claim to be considered an American, and it +was a little careless of him not to have founded a family there. We make +excuses for him--it's quite true he had very little time at his +disposal--but we feel it, the whole nation of us, to this day." + +The Via Balbi was cheerfully crooked and crowded, it had the modern +note of the street car, and the mediæval one of old women, arms akimbo, +in the nooks and recesses, selling big black cherries and bursting figs. +Even the old women though, as momma complained, wore postilion basques +and bell skirts, certainly in an advanced stage of usefulness, but of +unmistakable genesis--just what had been popular in Chicago a year or +two before. + +"Really, my love," said momma, "I don't know _what_ we shall do for +description in Genoa, the people seem to wear no clothes worth +mentioning whatever." We concluded that all the city's characteristically +Italian garments were in the wash; they depended in novel cut and colour +from every window that did not belong to a bank or a university; and +sometimes, when the side street was narrow and the houses high, the effect +was quite imposing. Poppa asked Alessandro Bebbini whether they were +expecting royalty or anything, or whether it was like this every washing +day, and we gathered that there was nothing unusual about it. But poppa +said I had better mention it so that people might be prepared. Personally, +I rather liked the display, it gave such unexpected colour and incident to +those high-shouldering, narrow by-ways we looked down into from the upper +level of the Via Balbi, where only here and there the sun strove through, +and all the rest was a rich toned mystery; but there may be others like +momma, who prefer the clothes line of the Occident and the privacy of the +back yard. + +The two sides of the _Via Poverina_ almost touched foreheads. "Yes," +said Alessandro Bebbini apologetically, "it is a _ver'_ tight street." + +Poppa was extremely pleased with the appearance of the house of +Christopher Columbus, which Alessandro pointed out in the Via Assorotti. +It was a comfortable looking edifice, with stone giants supporting the +arch of the doorway, in every respect suitable as the residence of a +retired navigator of distinction. Poppa said it was very gratifying to +find that Cristoforo had been able, in his declining years, when he was +our only European representative, to keep his end up with credit to +America. + +You so often found the former abodes of glorious names with a modern +rental out of all proportion with their historic interest. This house, +poppa calculated, would let to-day at a figure discreditable neither to +Cristoforo himself, nor to the United States of America. Mr. Bebbini, +unfortunately, could not tell him what that figure was. + +On the steps of San Lorenzo Cathedral momma paused and cast a searching +glance into all the corners. + +"Where are the beggars?" she inquired, not without injury. "I have +_always_ been given to understand that church entrances in Italy were +disgracefully thronged with beggars of the lowest type. I have never +seen a picture of a sacred building without them!" + +"So that was why you wanted so much small change, Augusta," said the +Senator. "Mr. Bebbini says there's a law against them nowadays. Now that +you mention it, I'm disappointed there too. Municipal progress in Italy +is something you've not prepared for somehow. I daresay if we only knew +it, they're thinking of lighting this town with electricity, and the +Board of Aldermen are considering contracts for cable cars." + +"Do not inquire, Alexander," begged momma, but the Senator had fallen +behind with Mr. Bebbini in earnest conversation, and we gathered that +its import was entirely modern. + +It was our first Italian church and it was impressive, for a President +of the French Republic had just fallen to the knife of an Italian +assassin, and from the altar to the door San Lorenzo was in mourning and +in penance. Masses for his soul's repose had that day been said and +sung; near the door hung a request for the prayers of all good +Christians to this end. Many of the grave-eyed people that came and went +were doubtless about this business, but one, I know, was there on a +private errand. He prayed at a chapel aside, kneeling on the floor +beside the railings, his cap in his hands, grasping it just as the +peasant in The Angelus grasps his. Inside the altar hung a picture of a +pitying woman, and there were candles and foolish flowers of tinsel, but +beside these, many tokens of hearts, gold and silver, thick below the +altar, crowding the partition walls. The hearts were grateful +ones--Alessandro explained in an undertone--brought and left by many +who had been preserved from violent death by the saint there, and he who +knelt was a workman just from hospital, who had fallen, with his son, +from a building. The boy had been killed, the father only badly hurt. +His heart token was the last--a little common thing--and tied with no +rejoiceful ribbon but with a scrap of crape. I hoped Heaven would see +the crape as well as the tribute. When we went away he was still +kneeling in his patched blue cotton clothes, and as the saint had very +beautiful kind eyes, and all the tinsel flowers were standing in the +glowing light of stained glass, and the voice of the Church had begun to +speak too, through the organ, I daresay he went away comforted. + +Momma says there is only one thing she recollects clearly about San +Lorenzo, and that is the Chapel of St. John the Baptist. This does not +remain in her memory because of the _Cinquecento_ screen or the +altar-canopy's porphyry pillars which we know we must have seen because +the guide-book says they are there, but because of the fact that Pope +Innocent the Eighth had it closed to our sex for a long time, except on +one day of the year, on account of Herodias. Momma considered this +extremely invidious of Innocent the Eighth, and said it was a thing no +man except a Pope would have thought of doing. What annoyed poppa was +that she seemed to hold Alessandro Bebbini responsible, and covered him +with reproaches, in the guise of argument, which he neither deserved nor +understood. And when poppa suggested that she was probably as much to +blame for Herodias's conduct as Mr. Bebbini was for the Pope's, she said +that had nothing whatever to do with it, and she thanked Heaven she was +born a Protestant anyway, distinctly implying that Herodias was a Roman +Catholic. And if poppa didn't wish her back to give out altogether, +would he please return to the carriage. + +We wandered through a palace or two and thought how interesting it must +have been to be rich in the days of "Sir Horatio Palavasene, who robbed +the Pope to pay the Queen." Wealth had its individuality in those days, +and expressed itself with truth and splendour in sculpture, and picture, +and tapestry, and precious things, with the picturesqueness of contrast +and homage. As the Senator said, a banquet hall did not then suggest a +Fifth Avenue hairdresser's saloon. But now the Genoese merchant-princes +would find that their state had lost its identity in machine made +imitations, and that it would be more distinguished to be poor, since +poverty is never counterfeited. But poppa declined to go as far as that. + +Alessandro, as we drove round and up the winding roads that take one to +the top of Genoa--the hotels and the palaces and the churches are mostly +at the bottom--was full of joyous and rapid information. Especially did +he continue to be communicative on the subject of Christopher Columbus, +and if we are not now assured of the school that discoverer attended in +his youth, and the altar rails before which he took the first communion +of his early manhood, and the occupation of his wife's parents, and +many other matters concerning him, it is the fault of history and not +that of Alessandro Bebbini. After a cathedral and a palace and a long +drive, this was bound to have its effect, and I very soon saw resentment +in the demeanour of both my parents. So much so, that when we passed the +family group in memory of Mazzini, and Alessandro explained dramatically +that "the daughter he sitta down and cryo because his father is a-dead," +poppa said, "Is that so?" without the faintest show of excitement, and +momma declined even to look round. + +It was not until the evening, however, when we were talking to some +Milwaukee people, that we remembered, with the assistance of Baedeker +and the Milwaukee people, a number of facts about Columbus that deprived +Alessandro's information of its commercial value, while leaving his +ingenuity, so to speak, at par. The Senator was so much annoyed, as he +had made a special note of the state of preservation in which he had +found the dwelling of our discoverer, that he had recourse to the most +unscrupulous means of relieving us of Alessandro--who was to present +himself next morning at eleven. He wrote an impulsive letter to "A. +Bebbini, Esq.," which ran: + + "SIR: I find that we are too credulous a family to travel in + safety with a courier. When you arrive at the hotel + to-morrow, therefore, you will discover that we have fled + by an earlier train. We take it from no personal objection + to your society, but from a rooted and unconquerable + objection to brass facts. I enclose your month's salary and + a warning that any attempt to follow me will be fruitless + and expensive." + + "Yours truly," + "J.P. WICK." + +The Senator assured me afterwards that this was absolutely +necessary--that A. Bebbini, if we introduced him in any quantity, would +ruin the sale of our work, and if he accompanied us it would be +impossible to keep him out. He said we ought to apologize for having +even mentioned him in a book of travels which we hope to see taken +seriously. And we do. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +Momma wishes me to state that the word Italy, in any language, will for +ever be associated in her mind with the journey from Genoa to Pisa. We +had our own lunch basket, so no baneful anticipation of cutlets fried in +olive oil marred the perfect satisfaction with which we looked out of +the windows. One window, almost the whole way, opened on a low +embankment which seemed a garden wall. Olives and lemon trees grew +beyond it and dropped over, and it was always dipping in the sunlight to +show us the roses and the shady walks of the villas inside, white and +remote; now and then we saw the pillared end of a verandah or a plaster +Neptune ruling a restricted fountain area. Out of the other window +stretched the blue Gulf of Genoa all becalmed and smiling, with freakish +little points and headlines, and here and there the white blossom of a +sail. The Senator counted eighty tunnels--he wants that fact mentioned +too--some of them so short that it was like shutting one's eyes for an +instant on the olives and the sea. Nevertheless it was an idyllic +journey, and at four o'clock in the afternoon we saw the Leaning Tower +from afar, describing the precise angle that it does in the illustrated +geographies. Momma was charmed to recognise it, she blew it a kiss of +adulation and acclaim, while we yet wound about among the environs, and +hailed it "Pisa!" It was as if she bowed to a celebrity, with the homage +due. + +What the Senator called our attention to as we drove to the hotel was +the conspicuous part in municipal politics played by that little old +brown river Arno. In most places the riparian feature of the landscape +is not insisted on--you have usually to go to the suburbs to find it, +but in Pisa it is a sort of main street, with the town sitting +comfortably and equally on each side of it looking on. Momma and I both +liked the idea of a river in town scenery, and thought it might be +copied with advantage in America, it afforded such a good excuse for +bridges. Pisa's three arched stone ones made a reason for settling there +in themselves in our opinion. The Senator, however, was against it on +conservancy grounds, and asked us what we thought of the population of +Pisa. And we had to admit that for the size of the houses there weren't +very many people about. The Lungarno was almost empty except for +desolate cabmen, and they were just as eager and hospitable to us and +our trunks as they had been in Genoa. + +In the Piazza del Duomo we expected the Cathedral, the Leaning Tower, +the Baptistry, and the Campo Santo. We did not expect Mrs. Portheris; at +least, neither of my parents did--I knew enough about Dicky Dod not to +be surprised at any combination he might effect. There they all were in +the middle of the square bit of meadow, apparently waiting for us, but +really, I have no doubt, getting an impression of the architecture as a +whole. I could tell from Mrs. Portheris's attitude that she had +acknowledged herself to be gratified. Strange to relate, her +gratification did not disappear when she saw that these mediæval +circumstances would inconsistently compel her to recognise very modern +American connections. She approached us quite blandly, and I saw at once +that Dicky Dod had been telling her that poppa's chances for the +Presidency were considered certain, that the Spanish Infanta had stayed +with us while she was in Chicago at the Exhibition, and that we fed her +from gold plate. It was all in Mrs. Portheris's manner. + +"Another unexpected meeting!" she exclaimed. "My dear Mrs. Wick, you +_are_ looking worn out! Try my sal volatile--I insist!" and in the +general greeting momma was seen to back violently away from a long +silver bottle in every direction. Poppa had to interfere. "If it's all +the same to you, Aunt Caroline," he said, "Mrs. Wick is quite as usual, +though I think the Middle Agedness of this country is a little trying +for her at this time of year. She's just a little upset this morning by +seeing the cook plucking a rooster down in the backyard before he'd +killed it. The rooster was in great affliction, you see, and the way he +crowed got on momma's nerves. She's been telling us about it ever since. +But we hope it will pass off." + +Mrs. Portheris expanded into that inevitable British story of the +officer who reported of certain tribes that they had no manners and +their customs were abominable, and I, at a mute invitation from Dicky, +stepped aside to get the angle of the Tower from a better point of view. + +Mr. Dod was depressed, so much so that he came to the point at once. "I +hope you had a good time in Genoa," he said. "We should have been there +now, only I knew we should never catch up to you if we didn't skip +something. So I heard of a case of cholera there, and didn't mention +that it was last year. Quite enough for Her Ex. I say, though--it's no +use." + +"Isn't it?" said I. "Are you sure?" + +"Pretty confoundedly certain. The British lion's getting there, in great +shape--the brute. All the widow's arranging. With the widow it's 'Mr. +Dod, you will take care of _me_, won't you?' or 'Come now, Mr. Dod, and +tell me all about buffalo shooting on your native prairies'--and Mr. Dod +is a rattled jay. There's something about the mandate of a middle-aged +British female." + +"I should think there was!" I said. + +"Then Maffy, you see, walks in. They don't seem to have much +conversation--she regularly brightens up when I come along and say +something cheerful--but he's gradually making up his mind that the best +isn't any too good for him." + +"Perhaps we don't begin so well in America," I interrupted +thoughtfully. "But then, we don't develop into Mrs. P.'s either." + +Dicky seemed unable to follow my line of thought. "I must say," he went +on resentfully, "I like--well, just a _smell_ of constancy about a man. +A fellow that's thrown over ought to be in about the same shape as a +widower. But not much Maffy. I tried to work up his feelings over the +American girl the other night--he was as calm!" + +"Dicky," said I, "there are subjects a man _must_ keep sacred. You must +not speak to Mr. Mafferton of his first--attachment again. They never do +it in England, except for purposes of fiction." + +"Well, I worked that racket all I knew. I even told him that American +girls as often as not changed their minds." + +"_Richard!_ He will think I--what _will_ he think of American girls! It +was excessively wrong of you to say that--I might almost call it +criminal!" + +Dicky looked at me in pained surprise. "Look here, Mamie," he said, "a +fellow in my fix, you know! Don't get excited. How am I going to confide +in you unless you keep your hair on!" + +"What, may I ask, did Mr. Mafferton say when you told him that?" I asked +sternly. + +"He said--now you'll be madder than ever. I won't tell you." + +"Mr. Dod--Dicky, haven't we been friends from infancy!" + +"Played with the same rattle. Cut our teeth together." + +"Well then----" + +"Well then," he said, "do you mind putting your parasol straight? I like +to see the person I'm talking to, and besides the sun is on the other +side. He said he didn't think it was a privilege that should be extended +to all cases." + +"He did, did he?" I rejoined calmly. "That's like the British--isn't +it?" + +"It would have made such a complication if I'd kicked him," confessed +Mr. Dod. + +The Senator, momma, and Mrs. Portheris stood in the cathedral door. +Isabel and Mr. Mafferton occupied the middle distance. Mr. Mafferton +stooped to add a poppy to a slender handful of wild flowers he held out +to her. Isabel was looking back. + +"It will be pleasant inside the Duomo," I said. "Let us go on. I feel +warm. I agree with you that the situation is serious, Dicky. Look at +those poppies! When an Englishman does that you may make up your mind to +the worst. But I don't think anybody need have the slightest respect for +the affections of Mr. Mafferton." + +Inside the Duomo it was pleasant, and cool, and there was a dim +religious light that gave one an opportunity for reflection. I was so +much engaged in reflection that I failed to notice the shape of the +Duomo, but I have since learned that it was a basilica, in the form of +a Latin cross, and was simply full of things which should have claimed +my attention. Momma took copious notes from which I see that the Madonna +and Child holy water basin was perfectly sweet, and the episcopal throne +by Uervellesi in 1536 was the finest piece of tarsia work in the world, +and the large bronze hanging lamp by Vincenzo Possento was the object +which assisted Galileo to invent the oscillations of the pendulum. The +Senator was much taken with the inlaid wooden stalls in the choir, the +subjects were so lively. He and his Aunt Caroline nearly came to words +over a monkey regarding its reflection in a looking glass, done with a +realism which Mrs. Portheris considered little short of profane, but +which poppa found quite an excusable filip to devotions which must have +been such an all day business in the sixteenth century. Outside, +however, poppa found it difficult to approve the façade. To throw four +galleries over the street door, he said, with no visible means of +getting into them or possible object for sitting there, was about the +most ridiculous waste of building space he had yet observed. + +"But then," said Dicky Dod, who kept his disconsolate place by my side, +"they didn't seem to know how to waste enough in those pre-elevator +days. Look at the pictures and the bronzes and the marble columns inside +there--ten times as much as they had any use for. They just heaped it +up." + +"That's so, Dicky, my boy," replied poppa; "we could cover more ground +with the money in our century. But you've got to remember that they +hadn't any other way worth mentioning of spending the taxes. Religion, +so to speak, was the boss contractor's only line." + +Dicky remarked that it had to be admitted he worked it on the square, +and momma said that no doubt people built as well as they knew how at +that time, but nothing should induce her to add her weight to the top of +the Leaning Tower. + +"It is very remarkable and impressive," said momma, "the idea of its +hanging over that way all these centuries, just on the drop and never +dropping, but who knows that it may not come down this very day!" + +"My dear niece, if I may call you so," remarked Mrs. Portheris urbanely, +"it was thus that the builders designed this great monument to stand; in +its inclination lies the triumph of their art." + +"I can't say I agree with you there, Aunt Caroline," said poppa; "that +tower was never meant to stand crooked. It's a very serious defect, and +if it happened nowadays, it would justify any Municipal Board in +repudiating the contract. Even those fellows, you see, were too sick to +go on with it, in every case. Begun by Bonanus 1174. Bonanus saw what +was going to happen and gave it up at the third storey. Then Benenato +had _his_ show, got it up to four, and quit, 1203. The next architect +was--let me see--William of Innsbruck. He put on a couple more, and by +that time it began to look dangerous. But nothing happened from 1260 to +1350, and it struck Tomaso Pisano that nothing would happen. He risked +it anyhow, ran up another storey, put the roof on, and came in for the +credit of the whole miracle. I expect Tomaso is at the bottom of that +idea of yours, Aunt Caroline. He would naturally give the reporters that +view." + +Mrs. Portheris listened with a tolerance as badly put on as any garment +she was wearing. "I do not usually make assertions," she said when poppa +had finished, "without being convinced of the facts," and I became aware +for the first time that her upper lip wore a slight moustache. + +"Well, you'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline----" + +"All my life I have heard of the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a feat of +architecture," replied his Aunt Caroline firmly. "I do not propose to +have that view disturbed now." + +"Perhaps it _was_ so, my dear love," put in momma deprecatingly, and Mr. +Dod, with a frenzied wink at poppa, called his attention to the +ridiculous Pisan habit of putting immovable fringed carriage-tops on +cabs. + +"It undoubtedly was," said Mrs. Portheris, with an embattled front. + +"But--Great Scott, aunt!" exclaimed poppa, recklessly, "think what this +place was like--all marsh, with the sea right alongside; not four miles +off as it is now. Why, you couldn't base so much as a calculation on +it!" + +"I must say," said Mrs. Portheris in severe surprise, "I knew that +America had made great advances in the world of invention, but I did not +expect to find what looks much like jealousy of the achievements of an +older civilisation." + +The Senator looked at his aunt, then he put his hat further back on his +head and cleared his throat. I prepared for the worst, and the worst +would undoubtedly have come if Dicky Dod had not suddenly remembered +having seen a man with a foreign telegram looking for somebody in the +Cathedral. + +"It's a feat!" reiterated Mrs. Portheris as the Senator left us in +pursuit of the man with the telegram. + +"It's fourteen feet," cried the Senator from a safe distance, "out of +the perpendicular!" and left us to take the consequences. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +When momma reported to me Mrs. Portheris's proposition that we should +make the rest of our Continental trip as one undivided party, I found it +difficult to understand. + +"These sudden changes of temperature," I remarked, "are trying to the +constitution. Why this desire for the society of three unabashed +Americanisms like ourselves?" + +"That's just what I wondered," said momma. "For you can _see_ that she +is full of insular prejudice against our great country. She makes no +attempt to disguise it." + +"She never did," I assented. + +"She said it seemed so extraordinary--quite providential--meeting +relatives abroad in this way," momma continued, "and she thought we +ought to follow it up." + +"Are we going to?" I inquired. + +"My goodness gracious no, love! There are some things my nerves cannot +stand the strain of, and one of them is your poppa's Aunt Caroline. The +Senator smoothed it over. He said he was sure we were very much +obliged, but our time was limited, and he thought we could get around +faster alone." + +"Well," I said, "I do not understand it, unless Dicky has persuaded her +that poppa is to be our next ambassador to St. James's." + +"She was too silly about Dicky," said momma. "She said she really was +afraid, before you appeared, that young Mr. Dod was conceiving an +attachment for her Isabel, whose affections lay _quite_ in another +direction; but now her mind was entirely at rest. I don't remember her +words, she uses so many, but she was trying to hint that poor Dicky was +an admirer of _yours_, dearest." + +"I fancy she succeeded--as far as that goes," I remarked. + +"Well, yes, she made me understand her. So I felt obliged to tell her +that, though Dicky was a lovely fellow and we were all very fond of him, +anything of _that_ kind was out of the question." + +"And what," I asked, "was her reply to that?" + +"She seemed to think I was prevaricating. She said she knew what a +mother's hopes and fears were. They seem to take a very low view," added +momma austerely, "of friendship between a young man and a young woman in +England!" + +"I should think so!" said I absent-mindedly. "Dicky hasn't made love to +me for three years." + +"_What!_" + +"Nothing, momma, dear," I replied kindly. "Only I wouldn't contradict +Mrs. Portheris again upon that point, if I were you. She will think it +so improper if Dicky _isn't_ my admirer, don't you see?" + +But Mrs. Portheris's desire to join our party stood revealed. Her +constant chaperonage of Dicky was getting a little trying, and she +wanted me to relieve her. I felt so deeply for them both, reflecting +upon the situation, that I experienced quite a glow of virtue at the +thought of my promise to Dicky to stay in Rome till his party arrived. +They were going to Siena--why, Mr. Dod could not undertake to +explain--he had never heard of anything cheerful in connection with +Siena. + +"My idea is," said the Senator, "that in Rome"--we were on our way +there--"we'll find our work cut out for us. Think of the objects of +interest involved from Romulus and Remus down to the present Pope!" + +"I should like my salts before I begin," said momma, pathetically. + +"Over two thousand years," continued the Senator impressively, "and +every year you may be sure has left its architectural imprint." + +"Does Baedeker say that, Senator?" I asked, with a certain severity. + +"No, the expression is entirely my own; you may take it down and use it +freely. Two thousand years of remains is what we've got before us in +Rome, and pretty well scattered too--nothing like the convenience of +Pisa. I expect we shall have to allow at least four days for it. That +Piazza del Duomo," continued poppa, thoughtfully, "seems to have been +laid out with a view to the American tourist of the future. But I don't +suppose that kind of forethought is common." + +"How exquisite it was, that cluster of white marble relics of the past +on the bosom of dusky Pisa. It reminded me," said momma, poetically, "of +an old maid's pearls." + +"I should suggest," said the Senator to me, "that you make a note of +that. A little sentiment won't do us any harm--just a little. And they +_are_ like an old maid's pearls in connection with that middle-aged, +one-horse little city. Or I should say a widow's--Pisa was once a bride +of the sea. A grass widow's," improved the Senator. "It's all +meadow-land round there--did you notice?" + +"I did not," I said coldly; "but, of course, if I'm to call Pisa a grass +widow, it will have to be. Although I warn you, poppa, that in case of +any critic being able to arise and indicate that it is laid out in +oyster beds, I shall make it plain that the responsibility is yours." + +We were speeding through Tuscany, and the vine-garlanded trees in the +orchards clasped hands and danced along with us. The sky would have told +us we were in Italy if we had come on a magic carpet without a compass +or a time-table. Poppa says we are not, under any circumstances, to +mention it more than once, but that we might as well explode the fallacy +that there is anything like it in America. There isn't. Our cerulean is +very beautifully blue, but in Italy one discovers by contrast that it +is an intellectual blue, filled with light, high, provocative. The sky +that bends over Tuscany is the very soul of blue, deep, soft, intense, +impenetrable--the sky that one sees in those little casual bits of +landscape behind the shoulders of pre-Raphaelite Saints and Madonnas; +and here and there a lake, giving it back with delight, and now and then +the long slope of a hill, with an old yellow-walled town creeping up, +castle crowned, and raggedly trimmed with olives; and so many ruins that +the Senator, summoned by momma to look at the last in view, regarded it +with disparagement, which he did not attempt to conceal. He wondered, he +said, that the Italian Government wasn't ashamed of having such a lot of +them. They might be picturesque, but they weren't creditable; they gave +you the impression that the country was on the down grade. "You needn't +call my attention to any more of them, Augusta," he added; "but if you +see any building that looks like progress, now, anything that gives you +the idea of modern improvements inside, I shouldn't like to miss it." +And he returned to the thirty-second page of the Sunday _New York +World_. + +"I sometimes wish," said momma, "that I were not the only person in this +family with the artistic temperament." + +Sometimes we stopped at the little yellow towns and saw quite closely +their queer old defences and belfrys and clock towers, and guessed at +the pomegranates and oleanders behind their high courtyard walls. They +had musical names, even in the mouths of the railway guards, who sang +every one of them with a high note and a full octave on the syllable of +stress--"Rosign_a_no!" "Car_m_iglia!" The Senator was fascinated with +the spectacle of a railway guard who could express himself intelligibly, +to say nothing of the charm; he spoke of introducing the system in the +United States, but we tried it on "New York," "Washington," "Kansas +City," and it didn't seem the same. + +It was at Orbatello, I think, that we made the travelling acquaintance +of the enterprising little gentleman to whom momma still mysteriously +alludes as "il capitano." He bowed ceremoniously as he entered the +carriage and stowed the inevitable enormous valise in the rack, and his +eye brightened intelligently as he saw we were a family of American +tourists. He wore a rather seamy black uniform and a soft felt hat with +cocks' feathers drooping over it, and a sword and a ridiculously amiable +expression for a man. I don't think he was five feet high, but his +moustache and his feathers and his sword were out of all proportion. +There was a gentle trustful exuberance about him which suggested that, +although it was possibly twenty-five years since he was born, his age +was much less than that. He twirled his moustache in voluble silence for +ten minutes while we all furtively scrutinised him with the curiosity +inspired by a foreigner of any size, and then with a smile of conscious +sweetness he asked the Senator if he might take the liberty to give the +trouble to see the English newspaper for a few seconds only. "I should +be too thankful," he added. + +"Why certainly," said poppa, much gratified. "I see you spikkum +English," he added encouragingly. + +"I speak--um, _si_. I have learned some--a few of them. But O very +baddili I speak them!" + +"I guess that's just your modesty," said poppa kindly. "But that's not +an English paper, you know--it's published in New York." + +"Ah!" he exclaimed with enthusiasm. "That will be much _much_ the more +pleasurable for me." His eyes shone with feeling. "In Italy," he added +with an impulsive gesture, "we love the American peoples beyond the +Londonian. We always remember that it was an Italian, Cristoforo +Col----" + +"I know," said poppa. "Very nice of you. But what's your reason now, for +preferring Americans as a nation?" + +We saw our first Italian shrug. It is more prolonged, more sentimental +than French ones. In this case it expressed the direct responsibility of +Fate. + +"I think," he said, "that they are more _simpatica_--sympatheticated to +us." He seemed to be unaware of me, but his eye rested upon momma at +this point, and took her into his confidence. + +"We also," said she reciprocally, "are always charmed to see Italians in +our country." + +I wondered privately whether she was thinking of hand organ men or +members of the Mafia society, but it was no opportunity to inquire. My +impression is that about this time, in spite of Tuscany outside, I went +to sleep, because my next recollection is of the little Captain pouring +Chianti out of a large black bottle into momma's jointed silver +travelling cup. I remember thinking when I saw that, that they must have +made progress. Scraps of conversation floated through my waking moments +when the train stopped--I heard momma ask him if his parents were both +living and where his home was. I also understood her to inquire whether +the Italians were domestic in their tastes or whether they were like the +French, who, she believed, had no home life at all. I saw the Senator +put a card in his pocket-book and restore it to his breast, and heard +him inquire whether his new Italian acquaintance wore his uniform every +day as a matter of choice or because he had to. An hour went by, and +when I finally awoke it was to see momma sitting by with folded hands +and an expression of much gratification while poppa gave a graphic +account of the rise and progress of the American baking-powder interest. +"I don't expect," said he, "you've ever heard of Wick's Electric +Corn-flour?" + +"It is my misfortune." + +"We sent thousands of cans to Southern Europe last year, sir. Or Wick's +Sublimated Soda?" + +"I am stupidissimo." + +"No, not at all. But I daresay your momma knows it, if she ever has +waffles on her breakfast table. Well, it's been a kind of kitchen +revolution. We began by making a hundred pounds a week--and couldn't +always get rid of it. Now--why the day before I sailed we sent six +thousand cans to the Queen of Madagascar. I hope she'll read the +instructions!" + +"It takes the breath. What splendid revenue must be from that!" + +The Senator merely smiled, and played with his watch chain. "I should +hate to brag," he said, but anyone could see from the absence of a +diamond ring on his little finger that he was a person of weight in his +community. + +"Oh!" said momma, "my daughter is awake at last! Mamie, let me introduce +Count Filgiatti. Count, my daughter. What a pity you went to sleep, +love. The Count has been giving us _such_ a delightful afternoon." + +The carriage swayed a good deal as the Count stood up to bow, but that +had no effect either upon the dignity or the gratification he expressed. +His pleasure was quite ingratiating, or would have been if he had been a +little taller. As it was, it was amusing, and I recognised an +opportunity for the study of Italian character. I don't mean that I made +up my mind to avail myself of it, but I saw that the opportunity was +there. + +"So you've been reading the _New York World_," I said kindly. + +"I have read, yes, two _avertissimi_. Not more, I fear. But they are +also amusing, the _avertissimi_." His voice was certainly agreeably +deferential, with a note of gratitude. + +"Now, if you wouldn't mind taking the corner opposite my daughter, +Count Filgiatti," put in poppa, "you and she could talk more +comfortably, and Mrs. Wick could put her feet up and get a little nap." + +"I am too happy if I shall not be a trouble to Mees," the Count +responded, beaming. And I said, "Dear me, no; how could he?" at which he +very obligingly changed his seat. + +I hardly know how we drifted into abstract topics. The Count's English +was so bad that my sense of humour should have confined him to the +weather and the scenery; but it is nevertheless true that about an hour +later, while the landscape turned itself into a soft, warm chromo in the +fading sunset, and both my parents soundly slept, we were discussing the +barrier of religion to marriage between Protestants and Roman Catholics. +I did not hesitate to express the most liberal sentiments. + +"Since there are to be no marriages in heaven," I said, "what difference +can it make, in married life, how people get there?" + +"The signor and signora think also so?" + +"Oh, I daresay poppa and momma have got their own opinions," I said, +"but that is mine." + +"You do not think as they!" he exclaimed. + +"I don't know what they think," I explained. "I haven't asked them. But +I've got my own thinker, you know." I searched for simple expressions, +and I seemed to make him understand. + +"So! Then this prejudice is dead for you, Senorita--_mees_?" + +"I like 'Senorita' best," I said. "I believe it is." At that moment I +divined that he was a Roman Catholic. How, I don't know. So I added, +"But I've never had the slightest reason to give it a thought." + +"That must be," he said softly, "because you never met, Senorita--may I +say this?--one single gentleman w'at is Catholic." + +"That's rather clever of you," I said. "Perhaps that _is_ why." + +The Italian character struck me as having interesting phases, but I did +not allow this impression to appear. I looked indifferently out of the +window. Italian sunsets are very becoming. + +"The signora, your mother, has told me that you have no brothers or +sisters, Mees Wick. She made me the confidence--it was most kind." + +"There never has been any secret about it, Count." + +"Then you have not even one?" Count Filgiatti's eyes were full of +melancholy sympathy. + +"I think," I said with coldness, "that in a matter of that kind, momma's +word should hardly need corroboration." + +"Ah, it is sad! With me what difference! Can you believe of eleven? And +the father with the saints! And I of course am the eldest of all." + +"Dear me," I said, "what a responsibility!" + +"Ah, you recognise! you understand the--the necessities, yes?" + +At that moment the train stopped at Civita Vecchia, and the Senator +awoke and put his hat on. "The Eternal City," he remarked when he +descried that the name of the station was not Rome, "appears to have an +eternal railway to match. There seems to be a feeding counter here +though--we might have another try at those slices of veal boiled in +tomatoes and smothered with macaroni that they give the pilgrim stranger +in these parts. You may lead the world in romance, Count, but you don't +put any of it in your railway refreshments." + +As we passed out into the smooth-toned talkative darkness, Count +Filgiatti said in my ear, "Mistra and Madame Wick have kindly consented +to receive my visit at the hotel to-morrow. Is it agreeable to you also +that I come?" + +And I said, "Why, certainly!" + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +We descended next morning to realise how original we were in being in +the plains of Italy in July. The Fulda people and the Miss Binghams and +Mrs. Portheris had prevented our noticing it before, but in the Hotel +Mascigni, Via del Tritone, we seemed to have arrived at a point of arid +solitude, which gave poppa a new and convincing sense of all he was +going through in pursuit of Continental culture. We sat in one corner of +the "Sala di mangiari" at a small square table, and in all the length +and breadth and sumptuousness of that magnificent apartment--Italian +hotel dining-rooms are always florid and palatial--there was only one +other little square table with a cloth on it and an appearance of +expectancy. The rest were heaped with chairs, bottom side up, with their +legs in the air; the chandeliers were tied up in brown holland, and +through a depressed and exhausted atmosphere, suggestive of magnificent +occasions temporarily in eclipse, moved, with a casual languid air, a +very tall waiter and a very short one. At mysterious exits to the rear +occasionally appeared the form of the _chef_ exchanging plates. It was +borne in upon one that in the season the _chef_ would be remanded to the +most inviolable seclusion. + +"Do you suppose Pompeii will be any worse than this?" inquired the +Senator. + +"Talk about Americans pervading the Continent," he continued, casting +his eye over the surrounding desolation. "Where are they? I should be +glad to see them. Great Scott! if it comes to that, I should be glad to +see a blooming Englishman!" + +It wasn't an answer to prayer, for there had been no opportunity for +devotion, but at that moment the door opened and admitted Mr., Mrs., and +Miss Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. The reunion was as rapt as the +Senator and Emmeline could make it, and cordial in every other respect. +Mr. Malt explained that they had come straight through from Paris, as +time was beginning to press. + +"We couldn't leave out Rome," he said, "on account of Mis' Malt's +mother--she made such a point of our seeing the prison of Saint Paul. In +her last letter she was looking forward very anxiously to our safe +return to get an account of it. She's a leader in our experience +meetings, and I couldn't somehow make up my mind to face her without +it." + +"Poppa," remarked Emmeline, "is not so foolish as he looks." + +"We were just wondering," exclaimed momma, "who that table was laid for. +But we never thought of _you_. Isn't it strange?" + +We agreed that it was little short of marvellous. + +The tall waiter strolled up for the commands of the Malt party. His +demeanour showed that he resented the Malts, who were, nevertheless, +innocent respectable people. As Emmeline ordered "_café au lait pour +tous"_ he scowled and made curious contortions with his lower jaw. +"Anything else you want?" he inquired, with obvious annoyance. + +"Yes," said Miss Callis. He further expressed his contempt by twisting +his moustache, and waited in silent disdain. + +"I want," said Miss Callis sweetly, leaning forward with her chin +artlessly poised in her hand, "to know if you are paid to make faces at +the guests of this hotel." + +There was laughter, above which Emmeline's crow rose loud and clear, and +as the waiter hastened away, suddenly transformed into a sycophant, +poppa remarked, "I see you've got those hotel tickets, too. Let me give +you a little pointer. Say nothing about it until next day. They are like +that sometimes. In being deprived of the opportunity of swindling us, +they feel that they've been done themselves." + +"Oh," said Mr. Malt, "we never reveal it for twenty-four hours. That +fellow must have smelled 'em on us. Now, how were you proposing to spend +the day?" + +"We're going to the Forum," remarked Emmeline. "Do come with us, Mr. +Wick. We should love to have you." + +"We mustn't forget the Count," said momma to the Senator. + +[Illustration: "Are you paid to make faces?"] + +"What Count?" Emmeline inquired. "Did you ever, momma! Mis' Wick knows +a count. She's been smarter than we have, hasn't she? Introduce him to +us, Mis' Wick." + +"Emmeline," said her mother severely, "you are as personal as ever you +can be. I don't know whatever Mis' Wick will think of you." + +"She's merely full of intelligent curiosity, Mis' Malt," said Mr. Malt, +who seemed to be in the last stage of infatuated parent. "I know you'll +excuse her," he added to momma, who said with rather frigid emphasis, +"Oh yes, we'll excuse her." But the hint was lost and Emmeline remained. +Poppa looked in his memorandum book and found that the Count was not to +arrive until 3 P.M. There was, therefore, no reason why we should not +accompany the Malts to the Forum, and it was arranged. + +A quarter of an hour later we were rolling through Rome. As a family we +were rather subdued by the idea that it was Rome, there was such immense +significance even in the streets with tramways, though it was rather an +atmosphere than anything of definite detail; but no such impression +weighed upon the Malts. They took Rome at its face value and refused to +recognise the unearned increment heaped up by the centuries. However, as +we were divided in two carriages, none of us had all the Malts. + +It was warm and dusty, the air had a malarious taste. We drove first, I +remember, to the American druggist's in the Piazza di Spagna for some +magnesia Mrs. Malt wanted for Emmeline, who had prickly heat. It was +annoying to have one's first Roman impressions confused with Emmeline +and magnesia and prickly heat; but Mrs. Malt appeared to think that Rome +attracted visitors chiefly by means of that American druggist. She said +she was perfectly certain we should find an American dentist there, too, +if we only took the time to look him up. I can't say whether she took +the time. We didn't. + +It was interesting, the Piazza di Spagna, because that is where +everybody who has read "Roba di Roma" knows that the English and +Americans have lived ever since the days when dear old Mr. Story and the +rest used to coach it from Civita Vecchia--in hotels, and pensions, and +apartments, the people in Marion Crawford's novels. We could only decide +that the plain, severe, many-storied houses with the shops underneath +had charms inside to compensate for their outward lack. Not a tree +anywhere, not a scrap of grass, only the lava pavement, and the view of +the druggist's shop and the tourists' agency office. Miss Callis said +she didn't see why man should be for ever bound up with the vegetable +creation--it was like living in a perpetual salad--and was disposed to +defend the Piazza di Spagna at all points, it looked so nice and +expensive. But Miss Callis's tastes were very distinctly urban. + +That druggist's establishment was on the Pincian Hill! It seemed, on +reflection, an outrage. We all looked about us, when we discovered +this, for the other six, and another of the foolish geographical +illusions of the school-room was shattered for each of us. The Rome of +my imagination was as distinctly seven-hilled as a quadruped is +four-legged, the Rome I saw had no eminences to speak of anywhere. +Perhaps, as poppa suggested, business had moved away from the hills and +we should find them in the suburbs, but this we were obliged to leave +unascertained. + +Through the warm empty streets we drove and looked at Rome. It was +driving through time, through history, through art, and going backward. +And through the Christian religion, for we started where the pillar of +Pius IX., setting forth the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception, +reaffirmed a modern dogma of the great church across the Tiber; and we +rattled on past other and earlier memorials of that church thick-built +into the Middle Ages, and of the Early Fathers, and of the very +Apostles. All heaped and crowded and over-built, solid and ragged, +decaying and defying decay, clinging to her traditions with both hands, +old Rome jostled before us. Presently uprose a great and crumbling arch +and a difference, and as we passed it the sound of the life of the city +died indistinctly away and a silence grew up, with the smell of the sun +upon grasses and weeds, and we stopped and looked down into Cæsar's +world, which lay below us, empty. We gazed in silence for a moment, and +then Emmeline remarked that she could make as good a Forum with a box of +blocks. + +"I shouldn't wonder but what you express the sentiments of all +present," said her father admiringly. "Now is it allowable for us to go +down there and make ourselves at home amongst those antique pillars, or +have we got to take the show in from here?" + +"No, Malt," said the Senator, helping the ladies out, "I can't say I +agree with you. It's a dead city, that's what it is, and for my part +I've never seen anything so impressive." + +"Mr. Wick," remarked Miss Callis, "has not visited Philadelphia." + +"Well, for a municipal cemetery," returned Mr. Malt, "it's pretty +uncared for. If there was any enterprise in this capital it would be +suitably railed in with posts and chains, and a monument inscribed 'Here +lies Rome's former greatness' or something like that. But the Italians +haven't got a particle of go--I've noticed that all through." + +We went down the wooden stair, a century at a step, and presently walked +and talked, we seven Americans, in that elder Rome that most people know +so much better than the one with St. Peter's and the Corso, because of +the clinging nature of those early impressions which we construe for +ourselves with painful reference to lists of exceptions. We all felt +that it was a small place to have had so much to say to history, and +were obliged to remind ourselves that we weren't looking at the whole of +it. Poppa acknowledged that his tendency to compare it unfavourably, in +spite of the verdict of history, with Chicago was checked by a smell +from the Cloaca Maxima, which proved that the Ancient Romans probably +enjoyed enteric and sewer gas quite as much as we do, although under +names that are to be found only in dictionaries now. Mrs. Malt said the +place surprised her in being so yellow--she had always imagined pictures +of it to have been taken in the sunset, but now she saw that it was +perfectly natural. Acting upon Mr. Malt's advice, we did not attempt to +identify more than the leading features, and I remember distinctly, in +consequence, that the temple of Castor had three columns standing and +the temple of Saturn had eight, while of the Basilica Julia there was +nothing at all but the places where they used to be. Mrs. Malt said it +made her feel quite idolatrous to look at them, and for her part she +couldn't be sorry they had fallen so much into decay--it was only right +and proper. This launched Mr. and Mrs. Malt and my parents upon a +discussion which threatened to become unwisely polemic if Emmeline had +not briefly decided it in favour of Christianity. + +Momma and Mrs. Malt expressed a desire above all things to see the +temple and apartments of the Vestal Virgins, which Miss Callis with some +surprise begged them on no account to mention in the presence of the +gentlemen. + +"There are some things," remarked Miss Callis austerely, "from which no +respectable married lady would wish to lift the veil of the classics." + +Momma was inclined to argue the point, but Miss Callis looked so +shocked that she desisted. + +"Perhaps, Mrs. Wick," she said sarcastically, "you intend to go to see +the Baths of Caracallus!" + +To which momma replied certainly _not_, that was a very different thing. +And if I am unable to describe the Baths of Caracallus in this history, +it is on account of Miss Callis's personal influence and the remarkable +development of her sense of propriety. + +At momma's suggestion we walked slowly all round the Via Sacra, looking +steadily down at its little triangular original paving-stones, and tried +to imagine ourselves the shackled captives of Scipio. If the party had +not consisted so largely of Emmeline the effort might have been +successful. Fragments of exhumed statuary, discoloured and featureless, +stood tipped in rows along the shorn foundations and inspired in Mr. +Malt a serious curiosity. + +"The ancients," said Mr. Malt with conviction, "were every bit as smart +as the moderns, meaning born intelligence. Look at that ear--that ear +took talent. There isn't a terra-cotta factory in the United States that +could turn out a better ear to-day. But they hadn't what we call +gumption, they put all their capital into one line of business, and you +may be sure they swamped the market. If they'd just done a little +inventing now, instead--worried out the idea of steam, or gas, or +electricity--why Rome might never have fallen to this day." And no one +interfered with Mr. Malt's idea that the fall of Rome was a purely +commercial disaster. Doubtless it was out of regard for his feelings, +but he was exactly the sort of man to compel you to prove your +assertion. + +We found the boundaries of the first Forum of the Republic, and poppa, +pacing it in a soft felt hat and a silk duster, offered a Senatorial +contrast to history. He looked round him with dignity and made the +gesture which goes with his most sustained oratorical flights. "I +wouldn't have backed up Cato in everything," he said thoughtfully. "No. +There were occasions on which I should have voted against the old man, +and the little American school-boys of to-day would have had to decline +'Mugwumpus' in consequence." And at the thought of Cannæ and Trasimene +the nineteenth century Senator from Illinois fiercely pulled his beard. + +We turned our pilgrim feet to where the Colosseum wheels against the sky +and gives up the world's eternal supreme note of splendour and of +cruelty; and along the solitary dusty Appian Way, as if it were a +country lane of the time we know, came a ragged Roman urchin with a +basket. Under the triumphal arch of Titus, where his forefathers jeered +at the Jews in manacled procession, we bargained with him for his purple +plums. He had the eyes and the smile of immemorial Italy for his own, +and the bones of Imperial Rome in equal inheritance, which he also +wished to sell, by the way, in jagged fragments from his trouser +pockets. And it linked up those early days with that particular +afternoon in a curiously simple way to think that from the Cæsars to +King Humbert there has never been a year without just such +brown-cheeked, dark-eyed, imperfectly washed little Roman boys upon the +Appian Way. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +We were too late for the hotel _déjeuner_, and had to order it, I +remember, _à la carte_. That was why the Count was kept waiting. We were +kept waiting, too, which seemed at the moment of more importance, since +the atmosphere of the classics had given us excellent appetites. +Emmeline decided upon ices and _petits fours_ in the Corso for her +party, after which they were going to let nothing interfere with their +inspection of the prison of St. Paul; but we came back and ordered a +haricot. In the cavernous recesses beyond the door which opened +kitchen-ward, commands resounded, and a quarter of an hour later a boy +walked casually through the dining-room bearing beans in a basket. Time +went on, and the Senator was compelled to send word that he had not +ordered the repast for the following day. The small waiter then made a +pretence of activity, and brought vinegar and salt, and rolls and water. +"The peutates is notta-cooks," said he in deprecation, and we were +distressed to postpone the Count for those peutates. But what else was +possible? + +The dismaying part was that after luncheon had enabled us to regard a +little thing like that with equanimity, my parents abandoned it to me. +Momma said she knew she was missing a great deal, but she really didn't +feel equal to entertaining the Count; her back had given out completely. +The Senator wished to attend to his mail. With the assistance of his +letters and telegrams he was beginning to bear up wonderfully, and, as +it was just in, I hadn't the heart to interfere. "You can apologise for +us, daughter," said poppa, "and say something polite about our seeing +him later. Don't let him suppose we've gone back on him in any way. It's +a thing no young fellow in America would think of, but with these +foreigners you never can tell." + +I saw at once that the Count was annoyed. He was standing in the middle +of the salon, fingering his sword-hilt in a manner which expressed the +most absurd irritation. So I said immediately that I was awfully sorry, +but it seemed so difficult to get anything to eat in Rome at that time +of year, that the head-waiter was really responsible, and wouldn't he +sit down? + +"I don't know what you will think of us," I went on as we shook hands. +"How long have you been kind enough to wait, anyway?" + +"Since a quarter of an hour--only," replied the Count, with a difficult +smile, "but now that I see you it is forgotten all." + +"That's very nice of you," I said. "I assure you momma was quite worked +up about keeping you waiting. It's rather trying to the American +temperament to be obliged to order a hurried luncheon from the +market-gardener." + +"So! In America you have him not--the market garden? You are each his +own vegetable. Yes? Ah, how much better than the poor Italian! But +Mistra and Madame Wick, they have not, I hope, the indisposition?" + +"Well, I'm afraid they have, Count--something like that. They said I was +to ask you to excuse them. You see they've been sight-seeing the whole +morning, and that's something that can't be done by halves in your city. +The stranger has to put his whole soul into it, hasn't he?" + +"Ah, the whole soul! It is too fatiguing," Count Filgiatti assented. He +glanced at me uncertainly, and rose. "Kindly may I ask that you give my +deepest afflictions to Mistra and Madame Wick for their health?" + +"Oh," I said, "if you _must_! But I'm here, you know." I put no hauteur +into my tone, because I saw that it was a misunderstanding. + +He still hesitated and I remembered that the Filgiatti intelligence +probably dated from the Middle Ages, and had undergone very little +alteration since. "You have made such a short visit," I said. "I must be +a very bad substitute for momma and poppa." + +A flash of comprehension illuminated my visitor's countenance. "I pray +that you do not think such a wrong thing," he said impulsively. "If it +is permitted, I again sit down." + +"Do," said I, and he did. Anything else would have seemed perfectly +unreasonable, and yet for the moment he twisted his moustache, +apparently in the most foolish embarrassment. To put him at his ease, I +told him how lovely I thought the fountains. "That's one of your most +ideal connections with ancient history, don't you think?" I said. "The +fact that those old aqueducts of yours have been bringing down the water +to sparkle and ripple in Roman streets ever since." + +"Idealissimo! And the Trevi of Bernini--I hope you threw the soldi, so +that you must come back to Rome!" + +"We weren't quite sure which it was," I responded, "so poppa threw soldi +into all of them, to make certain. Sometimes he had to make two or three +shots," and I could not help smiling at the recollection. + +"Ah, the profusion!" + +"I don't suppose they came to a quarter of a dollar, Count. It is the +cheapest of your amusements." + +The Count reflected for a moment. + +"Then you wish to return to Rome," he said softly; "you take interest +here?" + +"Why yes," I said, "I'm not a barbarian. I'm from Illinois." + +"Then why do you go away?" + +"Our time is so limited." + +"Ah, Mees Wick, you have all of your life." The Italians certainly have +exquisite voices. + +"That is true," I said thoughtfully. + +"Many young American ladies now live always in Italy," pursued Count +Filgiatti. + +"Is that so?" I replied pleasantly. "They are domiciled here with their +parents?" + +"Y--yes. Sometimes it is like that. And sometimes----" + +"Sometimes they are working in the studios. I know. A delightful life it +must be." + +The Count looked at the carpet. "Ah, signorina, you misunderstand my +poor English," he said; "she means quite different." + +It was not coquetry which induced me to cast down my eyes. + +"The American young lady will sometimes contract alliance." + +"Oh!" I exclaimed. + +"Yes. And if it is a good arrangimento it is always quite _quite_ +happy." + +"We are said," I observed thoughtfully, "to be able, as a people, to +accommodate ourselves to circumstances." + +"You approve this idea! Signorina, you are so amiable, it is heavenly." + +"I see no objection to it," I said. "It is entirely a matter of taste." + +"And the American ladies have much taste," observed Count Filgiatti +blandly. + +"I'm afraid it isn't infallible," I said, "but it is charming to hear it +approved." + +"The American lady comes in Italy. She is young, beautiful, with a +grace--ah! And perhaps there is a little income--a few dollar--but we do +not speak of that--it is a trifle, only to make possible the +arrangimento." + +"I see," I said. + +"The American lady is so perceiving--it is also a charm. The Italian +gentleman has a dignity of his. He is perhaps from a family a little +old. It is nothing--the matter is of the heart--but it makes possible +the arrangimento." + +"I have read of such things before," I said, "in the newspapers. It is +most amusing to hear them corroborated on the spot. But that is one of +the charms of travel, Count Filgiatti." + +The Count hesitated and a shade of indecision crossed his swarthy little +features. Then he added simply, "For me she has always been a vision, +that American lady. It is for this that I study the English. I have +thought, 'When I meet one of those so charming Americans, I will do my +possible.'" + +I could not help thinking of that family of eleven and the father with +the saints. It was pathetic to feel one's self a realised vision without +any capacity for beneficence--worse in some respects than being obliged +to be unkind to hopes with no financial basis. It made one feel somehow +so mercenary. But before I could think of anything to say--it was such a +difficult juncture--the Count went on. + +"But in the Italian idea it is better first one thing to know--the +agreement of the American signorina. If she will not, the Italian +nobleman is too much disgrace. It is not good to offer the name and the +title if the lady say no, I do not want--take that poor thing away." + +How artless it was! Yet my sympathy ebbed immediately. Not my curiosity, +however. Perhaps at this or an earlier point I should have gone blushing +away and forever pondered in secret the problem of Count Filgiatti's +intentions. I confess that it didn't even occur to me--it was such a +little Count and so far beyond the range of my emotions. Instead, I +smiled in a non-committal way and said that Count Filgiatti's prudence +was most unique. + +"With a friend to previously discover then it is easy. But perhaps the +lady will have no friends in Italy." + +"You would have to be prepared for that," I said. "Certainly." + +"Also she perhaps quickly go away. The Americans are so instantaneous. +Maybe my vision fade like--like anything." + +"In a perspective of tourists' coupons," I suggested. + +For a moment there was silence, through which we could hear the +scrubbing-brush of the chambermaid on the marble hall of the first +floor. It seemed a final note of desolation. + +"If I must speak of myself believe me it is not a nobody the Count +Filgiatti," he went on at last. "Two Cardinals I have had in my family +and one is second cousin to the Pope." + +"Fancy the Pope's having relations!" I said, "but I suppose there is +nothing to prevent it." + +"Nothing at all. In my family I have had many ambassadors, but that was +a little formerly. Once a Filgiatti married with a Medici--but these +things are better for Mistra and Madame Wick to inquire." + +"Poppa is very much interested in antiquities, but I'm afraid there will +hardly be time, Count Filgiatti." + +"Listen, I will say all! Always they have been much too large, the +families Filgiatti. So now perhaps we are a little _re_duce. But there +is still somethings-ah--signorina, can you pardon that I speak these +things, but the time is so small--there is fifteen hundred lire yearly +revenue to my pocket." + +"About three hundred dollars," I observed sympathetically. Count +Filgiatti nodded with the smile of a conscious capitalist. "Then of +course," I said, "you won't marry for money." I'm afraid this was a +little unkind, but I was quite sure the Count would perceive no irony, +and said it for my own amusement. + +"_Jamais!_ In Italy you will find that never! The Italian gives always +the heart before--before----" + +"The arrangimento," I suggested softly. + +"Indeed, yes. There is also the seat of the family." + +"The seat of the family," I repeated. "Oh--the family seat. Of course, +being a Count, you have a castle. They always go together. I had +forgotten." + +"A castle I cannot say, but for the country it is very well. It is not +amusing there, in Tuscany. It is a little out of repairs. Twice a year I +go to see my mother and all those brothers and sisters--it is enough! +And the Countess, my mother, has said to me two hundred times, 'Marry +with an Americaine, Nicco--it is my command.' 'Nicco,' she calls me--it +is what you call jack-name." + +The Count smiled deprecatingly, and looked at me with a great deal of +sentiment, twisting his moustache. Another pause ensued. It's all very +well to say I should have dismissed him long before this, but I should +like to know on what grounds? + +"I wish very much to write my mother that I have found the American lady +for a new Countess Filgiatti," he said at last with emotion. + +"Well," I said awkwardly, "I hope you will find her." + +"Ah, Mees Wick," exclaimed the Count recklessly, "you are that American +lady. When I saw you in the railway I said, 'It is my vision!' At once I +desired to embrace the papa. And he was not cold with me--he told me of +the soda. I had courage, I had hope. At first when I see you to-day I +am a little derange. In the Italian way I speak first with the papa. +Then came a little thought in my heart--no, it is propitious! In America +the daughter maka always her own arrangimento. So I am spoken." + +At this I rose immediately. I would not have it on my conscience that I +toyed with the matrimonial proposition of even an Italian Count. + +"I think I understand you, Count Filgiatti," I said--There is something +about the most insignificant proposal that makes one blush in a +perfectly absurd way. I have never been able to get over it--"and I fear +I must bring this interview to a close. I----" + +"Ah, it is too embarrassing for you! It is experience very new, very +strange." + +"No," I said, regaining my composure, "not at all. But the fact is, +Count Filgiatti, the transaction you propose doesn't appeal to me. It is +too business-like to be sentimental, and too sentimental to be +business-like. I'm sorry to seem disobliging, but I really couldn't make +up my mind to marry a gentleman for his ancestors who are dead, even if +he was willing to marry me for my income which may disappear. Poppa is +very speculative. But I know there's a certain percentage of Americans +who think a count with a family seat is about the only thing worth +bringing away from Europe, now that we manufacture so much for +ourselves, and if I meet any of them I'll bear you in mind." + +"_Upon my word!_" + +It was Mrs. Portheris, in the doorway behind us, just arrived from +Siena. + + * * * * * + +I mentioned the matter to my parents, thinking it might amuse them, and +it did. From a business point of view, however, poppa could not help +feeling a certain amount of sympathy for the Count. "I hope, daughter," +he said, "you didn't give him the ha-ha to his face." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +There is the very tenderness of desolation upon the Appian Way. To me it +suggested nothing of the splendour of Roman villas and the tragedy of +flying Emperors. It spoke only of itself, lying over the wide silence of +the noon-day fields, historic doubtless, but noon-day certainly. +Something lives upon the warm stretches of the Appian Way, something +that talks of the eternal and unchangeable, and yet has the pathos of +the fragmentary and the lost. Perhaps it is the ghost of a genius that +has failed of reincarnation, and inspires the weeds and the leaf-shadows +instead. Thinking of it, one remembers only an almond tree in flower, +that grew beside a ruined arch by the wayside--both quite alone in the +sunlight--and perhaps of a meek, young, marble Cecilia, unquestioningly +prostrate, submissive to the axe. + +We were on our way to the Catacombs, momma, the Senator, and Mrs. +Portheris in one carriage, R. Dod, Mr. Mafferton, Isabel, and I in the +other. I approved of the arrangement, because the mutually distant +understanding that existed between Mr. Mafferton and me had already been +the subject of remark by my parents. ("For old London acquaintances you +and Mr. Mafferton seem to have very little to say to each other," momma +had observed that very morning.) It was borne in upon me that this was +absurd. People have no business to be estranged for life because one of +them has happened to propose to the other, unless, of course, he has +been accepted and afterwards divorced, which is quite a different thing. +Besides, there was Dicky to think of. I decided that there was a medium +in all things, and to help me to find it I wore a blouse from Madame +Valerie in the Rue de l'Opera, which cost seven times its value, and was +naturally becoming. Perhaps this was going to extreme measures; but he +was a recalcitrant Englishman, and for Dicky's sake one had to think of +everything. + +Englishmen have a genius for looking uncomfortable. Their feelings are +terribly mixed up with their personal appearance. It was some time +before Mr. Mafferton would consent to be even tolerably at his ease, +though I made a distinct effort to show that I bore no malice. It must +have been the mere memory of the past that embarrassed him, for the +other two were as completely unaware of his existence as they well could +be in the same carriage. For a time, as I talked in commonplaces, Mr. +Mafferton in monosyllables, and Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris in regards, +the most sordid realist would have hesitated to chronicle our +conversation. + +"When," I inquired casually, "are you thinking of going back, Mr. +Mafferton?" + +"To town? Not before October, I fancy!" + +"Even in Rome," I observed, "London is 'town' to you, isn't it? What a +curious thing insular tradition is!" + +"I suppose Rome was invented first," he replied haughtily. + +"Why yes," I said; "while the ancestors of Eaton-square were running +about in blue paint and bear-skins, and Albert Gate, in the directory, +was a mere cave. What do you suppose," I went on, following up this line +of thought, "when you were untutored savages, was your substitute for +the Red Book?" + +"Really," said this Englishman, "I haven't an idea. Perhaps as you have +suggested they had no ad_dresses_." + +For a moment I felt quite depressed. "Did you think it was a conundrum?" +I asked. "You so often remind me of _Punch_, Mr. Mafferton." + +I shouldn't have liked anyone to say that to me, but it seemed to have +quite a mollifying effect upon Mr. Mafferton. He smiled and pulled his +moustache in the way Englishmen always do, when endeavouring to absorb a +compliment. + +"Dear old London," I went on reminiscently, "what a funny experience it +was!" + +"To the Transatlantic mind," responded Mr. Mafferton stiffly, "one can +imagine it instructive." + +"It was a revelation to mine," I said earnestly--"a revelation." Then, +remembering Mr. Mafferton's somewhat painful connection with the +revelation, I added carefully, "From a historic point of view. The +Tower, you know, and all that." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Mafferton, with a distant eye upon the Campagna. + +It was really very difficult. + +"Do you remember the day we went to Madame Tussaud's?" I asked. Perhaps +my intonation was a little dreamy. "I shall _never_ forget William the +Conqueror--never." + +"Yes--yes, I think I do." It was clearly an effort of memory. + +"And now," I said regretfully, "it can never be the same again." + +"Certainly not." He used quite unnecessary emphasis. + +"William and the others having been since destroyed by fire," I +continued. Mr. Mafferton looked foolish. "What a terrible scene that +must have been! Didn't you feel when all that royal wax melted as if the +dynasties of England had been wrecked over again! What effect did it +have on dear old Victoria?" + +"One question at a time," said Mr. Mafferton, and I think he smiled. + +"Now you remind me of Sandford and Merton," I said, "and a place for +everything and everything in its place. And punctuality is the thief of +time. And many others." + +"You haven't got it _quite_ right," said Mr. Mafferton with incipient +animation. "May I correct you? 'Procrastination,' not 'punctuality.'" + +"Thanks," I said. I could not help observing that for quite five minutes +Mr. Mafferton had made no effort to overhear the conversation between +Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris. It was a trifle, but life is made up of +little things. + +"I don't believe we adorn our conversation with proverbs in America as +much as we did," I continued. "I guess it takes too long. If you make +use of a proverb you see, you've got to allow for reflection first, and +reflection afterwards, and a sigh, and very few of us have time for +that. It is one of our disadvantages." + +Mr. Mafferton heard me with attention. + +"Really!" he said in quite his old manner when we used to discuss +Presidential elections and peanuts and other features of life in my +republic. "That is a fact of some interest--but I see you cling to one +little Americanism, Miss Wick. Do you remember"--he actually looked +arch--"once assuring me that you intended to abandon the verb to +'guess'?" + +"I don't know why we should leave all the good words to Shakespeare," I +said, "but I was under a great many hallucinations about the American +language in England, and I daresay I did." + +If I responded coldly, it was at the thought of my last interview with +poor dear Arthur, and his misprised larynx. But at this moment a wildly +encouraging sign from Dicky reminded me that his interests and not my +own emotions were to be considered. + +"We mustn't reproach each other, must we," I said softly. "_I_ don't +bear a particle of malice--really and truly." + +Mr. Mafferton cast a glance of alarm at Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris, who +were raptly exchanging views as to the respective merits of a cleek and +a brassey shot given certain peculiar bunkers and a sandy green--as if +two infatuated people talking golf would have ears for anything else! + +"Not on any account," he said hurriedly. + +"The best quality of friendship sometimes arises out of the most +unfortunate circumstances," I added. The sympathy in my voice was for +Dicky and Isabel. + +Mr. Mafferton looked at me expressively and the carriage drew up at the +Catacombs of St. Callistus. Mrs. Portheris was awaiting us by the gate, +however, so in getting out I gave my hand to Dicky. + +Inside and outside the gate, how quiet it was. Nothing on the Appian Way +but dust and sunlight, nothing in the field within the walls but +yellowing grass and here and there a field-daisy bending in the silence. +It made one think of an old faded water-colour, washed in with tears, +that clings to its significance though all its reality is gone. Then we +saw a little bare house to the left with an open door, and inside found +Brothers Demetrius and Eusebius in Trappist gowns and ropes, who would +sell us beads for the profitable employment of our souls, and chocolate +and photographs, and wonderful eucalyptus liqueur from the Three +Fountains, and when we had well bought would show us the city of the +long, long dead of which they were custodians. They were both obliging +enough to speak English, Brother Demetrius imperfectly and haltingly, +and without the assistance of those four front teeth which are so +especially necessary to a foreign tongue, Brother Eusebius fluently, and +with such richness of dialect that we were not at all surprised to learn +that he had served his Pope for some years in the State of New York. + +"For de ladi de chocolate. Ith it not?" said Brother Demetrius, with an +inducive smile. "It ith de betht in de worl', dis chocolate." + +"Don't you believe him," said Brother Eusebius, "he's known as the +oldest of the Roman frauds. Wants your money, that's what he wants." +Brother Demetrius shook his fist in amicable, wagging protest. "That's +the way he goes on, you know--quarrelsome old party. But I don't say +it's bad chocolate. Try it, young lady, try it." + +He handed a bit to Isabel, who looked at her momma. + +"There is no possible objection, my dear," said Mrs. Portheris, and she +nibbled it. + +Dicky invested wildly. + +"Dese photograff dey are very pritty," remarked Brother Demetrius to +momma, who was turning over some St. Stephens and St. Cecilias. + +"He'd say anything to sell them," put in Brother Eusebius. "He never +thinks of his immortal soul, any more than if he was a poor miserable +heretic. He'll tell you they're originals next, taken by Nero at the +time. You're all good Catholics, of course?" + +"We are not any kind of Catholics," said Mrs. Portheris severely. + +"I'll give you my blessing all the same, and no extra charge. But the +saints forbid that I should be selling beads made out of their precious +bones to Protestants." + +"I'll take that string," said momma. + +"I wouldn't do it on any account," continued Brother Eusebius, as he +wrapped them up in blue paper, but momma still attaches a certain amount +of veneration to those beads. + +"And what can I do for you, sir?" continued Brother Eusebius to the +Senator, rubbing his hands. "What'll be the next thing?" + +"The Early Christians," replied poppa laconically, "if it's all the same +to you." + +"Just in half a shake. Don't hurry yourselves. They'll keep, you +know--they've kept a good long while already. Now you, madam," said +Brother Eusebius to Mrs. Portheris, "have never had the influenza, I +know. It only attacks people advanced in life." + +"Indeed I have," replied that lady. "Twice." + +"Is that so! Well, you never _would_ have had it if you'd been protected +with this liqueur of ours. It's death and burial on influenza," and +Brother Eusebius shook the bottle. + +"I consider," said Mrs. Portheris solemnly, "that eucalyptus in another +form saved my life. But I inhaled it." + +"Tho," ventured Brother Demetrius, "tho did I. But the wine ith for +internal drinking." + +"Listen to him! _E_ternal drinking, that's what he means. You never saw +such an old boy for the influenza--gets it every week or so. How many +bottles, madam? Just a nip, after dinner, and you don't know how poetic +it will make you feel into the bargain." + +"One bottle," replied Mrs. Portheris, "the larger size, please. Anything +with eucalyptus in it must be salutary. And as we are going underground, +where it is bound to be damp, I think I'll have a little now." + +"That's what I call English common-sense," exclaimed Brother Eusebius, +getting out a glass. "Will nobody keep the lady company? It's Popish, +but it's good." + +Nobody would. Momma observed rather uncautiously that the smell of it +was enough, at which Mrs. Portheris remarked, with some asperity, that +she hoped Mrs. Wick would never be obliged to be indebted to the +"smell." "It is quite excellent," she said, "_most_ cordial. I really +think, as a precaution, I'll take another glass." + +"Isn't it pretty strong?" asked poppa. + +[Illustration: We followed the monks.] + +"The influenza is stronger," replied Mrs. Portheris oracularly, and +finished her second potation. + +"And nothing," said Brother Eusebius sadly, "for the gentleman standing +outside the door, who doesn't approve of encouraging the Roman Catholic +Church in any respect whatever. Dear me! dear me! we do get some queer +customers." At which Mr. Mafferton frowned portentously. But nothing +seemed to have any effect on Brother Eusebius. + +"There are such a lot of you, and you are sure to be so inquisitive, +that we'll both go with you," said he, and took candles from a shelf. +Not ordinary candles at all--coils of long, slender strips, with one end +turned up to burn. At the sight of them momma shuddered and said she +hadn't thought it would be dark, and took the Senator's arm as a +precautionary measure. Then we followed the monks Eusebius and +Demetrius, who wrapped shawls round their sloping shoulders and hurried +across the grass towards the little brick entrance to the Catacombs, +shading their candles from the wind that twisted their brown gowns round +their legs, with all the anxiety to get it over shown by janitors of +buildings of this world. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +At first through the square chambers of the early Popes and the narrow +passages lined with empty cells, nearest to the world outside, we kept +together, and it was mainly Eusebius who discoursed of the building of +the Catacombs, which he informed us had a pagan beginning. + +"But our blessed early bishops said, 'Why should the devil have all the +accommodations?' and when once the Church got its foot in there wasn't +much room for _him_. But a few pagans there are here to this day in +better company than they ever kept above ground," remarked Brother +Eusebius. + +"Can you tell them apart?" asked Mr. Dod, "the Christians and the +Pagans?" + +"Yes," replied that holy man, "by the measurements of the jaw-bone. The +Christians, you see, were always lecturing the other fellows, so their +jaw-bones grew to an awful size. Some of 'em are simply parliamentary." + +"Dat," said Brother Demetrius anxiously--as nobody had laughed--"ith a +joke." + +"I noticed the intention," said poppa. "It's down in the guide-book +that you've been 'absolved from the vow of silence'--is that correct?" + +"Right you are," said Brother Eusebius. "What about it?" + +"Oh, nothing--only it explains a good deal. I guess you enjoy it, don't +you?" + +But Brother Eusebius was bending over a cell in better preservation than +most of them, and was illuminating with his candle the bones of the +dweller in it. The light flickered on the skull of the Early Christian +and the tonsure of the modern one and made comparisons. It also cut the +darkness into solid blocks, and showed us broken bits of marble, faint +stains of old frescoes, strange rough letters, and where it wavered +furthest the uncertain lines of a graven cross. + +"Here's one of the original inhabitants," remarked Eusebius. "He's been +here all the time. I hope the ladies don't mind looking at him in his +bones?" + +"Thee, you can pick him up," said old Demetrius, handing a thigh-bone to +momma, who shrank from the privilege. "It ith quite dry." + +"It seems such a liberty," she said, "and he looks so incomplete without +it. Do put it back." + +"That's the way I feel," remarked Dicky, "but I don't believe he'd mind +our looking at a toe-bone. Are his toe-bones all there?" + +"No," replied Demetrius, "I have count another day and he ith nine only. +Here ith a few." + +"It is certainly a very solemn and unusual privilege," remarked Mr. +Mafferton, as the toe-bones went round, "to touch the mortal remnant of +an Early Christian." + +"That altogether depends," said the Senator, "upon what sort of an Early +Christian he was. Maybe he was a saint of the first water, and maybe he +was a pillar of the church that ran a building society. Or, maybe, he +was only an average sort of Early Christian like you or me, in which +case he must be very uncomfortable at the idea of inspiring so much +respect. How are you going to tell?" + +"The gentleman is right," said Brother Eusebius, and in considering +poppa's theory in its relation to the doubtful character before them +nobody noticed, except me, the petty larceny, by Richard Dod, of one +Early Christian toe-bone. His expression, I am glad to say, made me +think he had never stolen anything before; but you couldn't imagine a +more promising beginning for a career of embezzlement. As we moved on I +mentioned to him that the man who would steal the toe-bone of an Early +Christian, who had only nine, was capable of most crimes, at which he +assured me that he hadn't such a thing about him outside of his boots, +which shows how one wrong step leads to another. + +We fell presently into two parties--Dicky, Mrs. Portheris, and I holding +to the skirts of Brother Demetrius. Brother Demetrius knew a great deal +about the Latin inscriptions and the history of Pope Damasus and the +chapel of the Bishops, and how they found the body of St. Cecilia, +after eight hundred years, fresh and perfect, and dressed in rich +vestments embroidered in gold; but his way of imparting it seriously +interfered with the value of his information, and we looked regretfully +after the other party. + +"Here we have de tomb of Anterus and Fabianus----" + +"I think we should keep up with the rest," interrupted Mrs. Portheris. + +"Oh, I too, I know all dese Catacomb--I will take you everywheres--and +here, too, we have buried Entychianus." + +"Where is Brother Eusebius taking the others?" asked Dicky. + +"Now I tell you: he mith all de valuable ting, he is too fat and lazy; +only joke, joke, joke. And here we has buried Epis--martyr. Epis he wath +_martyr_." + +The others, with their lights and voices, came into full view where four +passages met in a cubicle. "Oh," cried Isabel, catching sight of us, +"_do_ come and see Jonah and the whale. It's too funny for anything." + +"And where Damathuth found here the many good thainth he----" + +"We would like to see Jonah," entreated Dicky. + +"Well," said Brother Demetrius crossly, "you go thee him--you catch up. +I will no more. You do not like my Englis' very well. You go with fat +old joke-fellow, and I return the houth. Bethide, it ith the day of my +lumbago." And the venerable Demetrius, with distinct temper, turned his +back on us and waddled off. + +We looked at each other in consternation. + +"I'm afraid we've hurt his feelings," said Dicky. + +"You must go after him, Mr. Dod, and apologize," commanded Mrs. +Portheris. + +"Do you suppose he knows the way out?" I asked. + +"It _is_ a shame," said Dicky. "I'll go and tell him we'd rather have +him than Jonah any day." + +Brother Demetrius was just turning a corner. Darkness encompassed him, +lying thick between us. He looked, in the light of his candle, like +something of Rembrandt's suspended for a moment before us. Dicky started +after him, and, presently, Mrs. Portheris and I were regarding each +other with more friendliness than I would have believed possible across +our flaring dips in the silence of the Catacombs. + +"Poor old gentleman," I said; "I hope Mr. Dod will overtake him." + +"So do I, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris. "I fear we have been very +inconsiderate. But young people are always so impatient," she added, and +put the blame where it belonged. + +I did not retaliate with so much as a reproachful glance. Even as a +censor Mrs. Portheris was so eminently companionable at the moment. But +as we waited for Dicky's return neither of us spoke again. It made too +much noise. Minutes passed, I don't know how many, but enough for us to +look cautiously round to see if there was anything to sit on. There +wasn't, so Mrs. Portheris took my arm. We were not people to lean on +each other in the ordinary vicissitudes of life, and even under the +circumstances I was aware that Mrs. Portheris was a great deal to +support, but there was comfort in every pound of her. At last a faint +light foreshadowed itself in the direction of Dicky's disappearance, and +grew stronger, and was resolved into a candle and a young man, and Mr. +Dod, very much paler than when he left, was with us again. Mrs. +Portheris and I started apart as if scientifically impelled, and +exclaimed simultaneously, "Where is Brother Demetrius?" + +"Nowhere in this graveyard," said Dicky. "He's well upstairs by this +time. Must have taken a short cut. I lost sight of him in about two +seconds." + +"That was very careless of you, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, "very +careless indeed. Now we have no option, I suppose, but to rejoin the +others; and where are they?" + +They were certainly not where they had been. Not a trace nor an +echo--not a trace nor an echo--of anything, only parallelograms of +darkness in every direction, and our little circle of light flickering +on the tombs of Anterus, and Fabianus, and Entychianus, and +Epis--martyr--and we three within it, looking at each other. + +"If you don't mind," said Dicky, "I would rather not go after them. I +think it's a waste of time. Personally I am quite contented to have +rejoined you. At one time I thought I shouldn't be able to, and the idea +was trying." + +"We wouldn't _dream_ of letting you go again," said Mrs. Portheris and I +simultaneously. "But," continued Mrs. Portheris, "we will all go in +search of the others. They can't be very far away. There is nothing so +alarming as standing still." + +We proceeded along the passage in the direction of our last glimpse of +our friends and relatives, passing a number of most interesting +inscriptions, which we felt we had not time to pause and decipher, and +came presently to a divergence which none of us could remember. Half of +the passage went down three steps, and turned off to the left under an +arch, and the other half climbed two, and immediately lost itself in +blackness of darkness. In our hesitation Dicky suddenly stooped to a +trace of pink in the stone leading upward, and picked it up--three rose +petals. + +"That settles it," he exclaimed. "Isa--Miss Portheris was wearing a +rose. I gave it to her myself." + +"Did you, indeed," said Isabel's mamma coldly. "My dear child, how +anxious she will be!" + +"Oh, I should think not," I said hopefully. "I am sure she can trust Mr. +Dod to take care of himself--and of us, too, for the matter of that." + +"Mr. Dod!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris with indignation. "My poor child's +anxiety will be for her mother." + +And we let it go at that. But Dicky put the rose petals in his pocket +with the toe-bone, and hopefully remarked that there would be no +difficulty about finding her now. I mentioned that I had parents also, +at that moment, lost in the Catacombs, but he did not apologize. + +The midnight of the place, as we walked on, seemed to deepen, and its +silence to grow more profound. The tombs passed us in solemn grey +ranges, one above the other--the long tombs of the grown-up people, and +the shorter ones of the children, and the very little ones of the +babies. The air held a concentrated dolor of funerals sixteen centuries +old, and the four dim stone walls seemed to have crept closer together. +"I think I will take your arm, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, and "I +think I will take your other arm, Mr. Dod," said I. + +"Thank you," replied Dicky, "I should be glad of both of yours," which +may look ambiguous now, but we quite understood it at the time. It made +rather uncomfortable walking in places, but against that overwhelming +majority of the dead it was comforting to feel ourselves a living unit. +We stumbled on, taking only the most obvious turnings, and presently the +passage widened into another little square chamber. "More bishops!" +groaned Dicky, holding up his candle. + +"Perhaps," I replied triumphantly, "but Jonah, anyway," and I pointed +him out on the wall, in two shades of brown, a good deal faded, being +precipitated into the jaws of a green whale with paws and horns and a +smile, also a curled body and a three-forked tail. The wicked deed had +two accomplices only, who had apparently stopped rowing to do it. +Underneath was a companion sketch of the restitution of Jonah, in +perfect order, by the whale, which had, nevertheless, grown considerably +stouter in the interval, while an amiable stranger reclined in an arbor, +with his hand under his head, and looked on. + +"As a child your intelligence promised well," said Dicky; "that _is_ +Jonah, though not of the Revised Version. I don't think Bible stories +ought to be illustrated, do you, Mrs. Portheris? It has such a bad +effect on the imagination." + +"We can talk of that at another time, Mr. Dod. At present I wish to be +restored to my daughter. Let us push on at once. And please explain how +it is that we have had to walk so far to get to this place, which was +only a few yards from where we were standing when Brother Demetrius left +us!" Mrs. Portheris's words were commanding, but her tone was the tone +of supplication. + +"I'm afraid I can't," said Dicky, "but for that very reason I think we +had better stay where we are. They are pretty sure to look for us here." + +"I cannot possibly wait to be looked for. I must be restored to my +daughter! You must make an effort, Mr. Dod. And, now that I think of it, +I have left the key of our boxes in the drawer of the dressing-table, +and the key of that is in it, and the housemaid has the key of the +room. It is absolutely necessary that I should go back to the hotel at +once." + +"My dear lady," said Dicky, "don't you realize that we are lost?" + +"Lost! Impossible! _Shout_, Mr. Dod!" + +Dicky shouted, and all the Early Christians answered him. There are said +to be seven millions. Mrs. Portheris grasped his arm convulsively. + +"Don't do that again," she said, "on any account. Let us go on!" + +"Much better not," protested Dicky. + +"On! on!" commanded Mrs. Portheris. There was no alternative. We put +Dicky in the middle again, and cautiously stepped out. A round of blue +paper under our chaperone's arm caught the eye of Mr. Dod. "What luck!" +he exclaimed, "you have brought the liqueur with you, Mrs. Portheris. I +think we'd better all have some, if you don't mind. I've been in warmer +cemeteries." + +As she undid the bottle, Mrs. Portheris declared that she already felt +the preliminary ache of influenza. She exhorted us to copious draughts, +but it was much too nasty for more than a sip, though warming to a +degree. + +"Better take very little at a time," Dicky suggested, but Mrs. Portheris +reaffirmed her faith in the virtues of eucalyptus, and with such majesty +as was compatible with the neck of the bottle, drank deeply. Then we +stumbled on. Presently Mrs. Portheris yawned widely twice, thrice, and +again. "I beg your pardon," said she, "I don't seem able to help it." + +"It's the example of these gaping sepulchres," Dicky replied. "Don't +apologize." + +The passages grew narrower and more complex, the tombs more irregular. +We came to one that partly blocked the path, tilted against the main +wall like a separate sarcophagus, though it was really part of the solid +rock. Looking back, a wall seemed to have risen behind us; it was a +distinctly perplexing moment, hard upon the nerves. The tomb was empty, +except for a few bones that might have been anything huddled at the +bottom, and Mrs. Portheris sat down on the lower end of it. "I really do +not feel able to go any further," she said; "the ascent is so +perpendicular." + +I was going to protest that the place was as level as a street, but +Dicky forestalled me. "Eucalyptus," he said soothingly, "often has that +effect." + +"We are lost," continued Mrs. Portheris lugubriously, "in the Catacombs. +We may as well make up our minds to it. We came here this morning at ten +o'clock, and I should think, I should think--thish mus' be minnight on +the following day." + +"My watch has run down," said Dicky, "but you are probably quite right, +Mrs. Portheris." + +"It is doubtful," Mrs. Portheris went on, pulling herself together, +"whether we are ever found. There are nine hundred miles of Catacombs. +Unless we become cannibals we are likely to die of starvation. If we do +become cannibals, Mr. Dod," she added, sternly endeavouring to look +Dicky in the eye, "I hope you will remember what ish due to ladies." + +"I will offer myself up gladly," said he, and I could not help +reflecting upon the comfort of a third party with a sense of humour +under the circumstances. + +"Thass right," said Mrs. Portheris, nodding approvingly, and much +oftener than was necessary. "Though there isn't much on you--you won't +go very far." Then after a moment of gloomy reflection she blew out her +candle, and, before I could prevent it, mine also. Dicky hastily put his +out of reach. + +"Three candles at once," she said virtuously, "in a room of this size! +It is wicked extravagance, neither more nor less." + +I assure you you would have laughed, even in the Catacombs, and Dicky +and I mutually approached the borders of hysteria in our misplaced +mirth. Mrs. Portheris smiled in unison somewhat foolishly, and we saw +that slumber was overtaking her. Gradually and unconsciously she slipped +down and back, and presently rested comfortably in the sepulchre of her +selection, sound asleep. + +"She is right in it," said Dicky, holding up his candle. "She's a lulu," +he added disgustedly, "with her eucalyptus." + +This was disrespectful, but consider the annoyance of losing a third of +our forces against seven million Early Christian ghosts. We sat down, +Dicky and I, with our backs against the tomb of Mrs. Portheris, and when +Dicky suggested that I might like him to hold my hand for a little while +I made no objection whatever. We decided that the immediate prospect, +though uncomfortable, was not alarming, that we had been wandering about +for possibly an hour, judging by the dwindling of Dicky's candle, and +that search must be made for us as soon as ever the others went above +ground and heard from Brother Demetrius the tale of our abandonment. I +said that if I knew anything about momma's capacity for underground +walking, the other party would have gone up long ago, and that search +for us was, therefore, in all likelihood, proceeding now, though perhaps +it would be wiser, in case we might want them, to burn only one candle +at a time. We had only to listen intently and we would hear the voices +of the searchers. We did listen, but all that we heard was a faint far +distant moan, which Dicky tried to make me believe was the wind in a +ventilating shaft. We could also hear a prolonged thumping very close to +us, but that we could each account for personally. And nothing more. + +"Dicky," said I after a time, "if it weren't for the candle I believe I +should be frightened." + +"It's about the most parsimonious style of candle I've ever seen," +replied Dicky, "but it would give a little more light if it were +trimmed." And he opened his pocket-knife. + +"Be very careful," I begged, and Dicky said "Rather!" + +"Did you ever notice," he asked, "that you can touch flame all right if +you are only quick enough? Now, see me take the top off that candle." If +Dicky had a fault it was a tendency to boastfulness. He took the lighted +wick between his thumb and his knife-blade, and skilfully scooped the +top off. It blazed for two seconds on the edge of the blade--just long +enough to show us that all the flame had come with it. Then it went out, +and in the darkness at my side I heard a scuffling among waistcoat +pockets, and a groan. + +"No matches?" I asked in despair. + +"Left 'em in my light overcoat pockets, Mamie. I'm a bigger ass +than--than Mafferton." + +"You are," I said with decision. "No Englishman goes anywhere without +his light overcoat. What have you done with yours?" + +"Left it in the carriage," replied Dick humbly. + +"That shows," said I bitterly, "how little you have learned in England. +Propriety in connection with you is evidently like water and a duck's +back. An intelligent person would have acquired the light overcoat +principle in three days, and never have gone out without it afterward." + +"Oh, go on!" replied Dick fiercely. "Go on. I don't mind. I'm not so +stuck on myself as I was. But if we've got to die together you might as +well forgive me. You'll have to do it at the last moment, you know." + +"I suppose you have begun to review your past life," I said grimly, "and +that's why you are using so much American slang." + +Then, as Dicky was again holding my hands, I maintained a dignified +silence. You cannot possibly quarrel with a person who is holding your +hand, no matter how you feel. + +"There's only one thing that consoles me in connection with those +matches," Dicky mentioned after a time. "They were French ones." + +"I don't know what that has to do with it," I said. + +"That's because you don't smoke," Dicky replied. And I had not the heart +to pursue the inquiry. Time went on, black and silent, as it had been +doing down there for sixteen centuries. We stopped arguing about why +they didn't come to look for us, each privately wondering if it was +possible that we had strayed too ingeniously ever to be found. We talked +of many things to try to keep up our spirits, the conviction of the _St. +James's Gazette_ that American young ladies live largely upon +chewing-gum, and other topics far removed from our surroundings, but the +effort was not altogether successful. Dicky had just permitted himself +to make a reference to his mother in Chicago when a sound behind us made +us both start violently, and then cheered us immensely--a snore from +Mrs. Portheris within the tomb. It was not, happily, a single accidental +snore, but the forerunner of a regular series, and we hung upon them as +they issued, comforted and supported. We were vaguely aware that we +could have no better defence against disembodied Early Christians, when, +in the course of an hour, Mrs. Portheris sat up suddenly among the bones +of the original occupant and asked what time it was. We felt a pang of +regret at losing it. + +After the first moment or two that lady realized the situation +completely. "I suppose," she said, "we have been down here about two +days. I am quite faint with hunger. I have often read that candles, +under these terrible circumstances, are sustaining. What a good thing we +have got the candles." + +Dicky squeezed my hand nervously, but our chaperone had slept off the +eucalyptus and had no longer one cannibal thought. + +"I don't think it is time for candles yet," he said reassuringly. "You +have been asleep, you know, Mrs. Portheris." + +"If you have eaten them already, I consider that you have taken an +unfair advantage, a very unfair advantage." + +"Here is mine!" exclaimed Dicky nobly. "I hope I can deny myself, Mrs. +Portheris, to that extent." + +"And mine," I echoed; "but really, Mrs. Portheris----" + +Another pressure of Dicky's hand reminded me--I am ashamed to confess +it--that if Mrs. Portheris was bent upon the unnecessary consumption of +Roman tallow there was nothing in her past treatment of either of us to +induce us to prevent her. The dictates of humanity, I know, should have +influenced us otherwise, in connection with tallow, but they seemed for +the moment to have faded as completely out of our bosoms as they did out +of the early Roman persecutors! It seemed to me that all my country's +wrongs at the hands of Mrs. Portheris rose up and clamoured to be +avenged, and Dicky told me afterward that he felt just the same way. + +"Then I have done you an injustice," she continued; "I apologize, I am +sure, and I find that I have my own candle, thank you. It is adhering to +the side of my bonnet." + +We were perfectly silent. + +"Perhaps I ought to try and wait a little longer," Mrs. Portheris +hesitated, "but I feel such a sinking, and I assure you I have fallen +away. My garments are quite loose." + +"Of course it depends," said Dicky scientifically, "upon the amount of +carbon the system has in reserve. Personally I think I can hold out a +little longer. I had an excellent breakfast this m----, the day we came +here. But if I felt a sinking----" + +"_Waugh!_" said Mrs. Portheris. + +"Have you--have you _begun_?" I exclaimed in agony, while Dicky shook in +silence. + +"I have," replied Mrs. Portheris hurriedly; "where--where is the +eucalyptus? Ah! I have it!" + +"_Ben-en-euh!_ It is nutritive, I am sure, but it requires a cordial." + +The darkness for some reason seemed a little less black and the silence +less oppressive. + +"I have only eaten about three inches," remarked Mrs. Portheris +presently. Dicky and I were incapable of conversation--"but I--but I +cannot go on at present. It is really not nice." + +"An overdone flavour, hasn't it?" asked Dicky, between gasps. + +"Very much so! Horribly! But the eucalyptus will, I hope, enable me to +extract some benefit from it. I think I'll lie down again." And we heard +the sound of a cork restored to its bottle as Mrs. Portheris returned to +the tomb. It was quite half an hour before she woke up, declaring that a +whole night had passed and that she was more famished than ever. "But," +she added, "I feel it impossible to go on with the candle. There is +something about the wick----" + +"I know," said Dicky sympathetically, "unless you are born in Greenland, +you cannot really enjoy them. There is an alternative, Mrs. Portheris, +but I didn't like to mention it----" + +"I know," she replied, "shoe leather. I have read of that, too, and I +think it would be an improvement. Have you got a pocket-knife, Mr. Dod?" + +Dicky produced it without a pang and we heard the rapid sound of an +unbuttoning shoe. "I had these made to order at two guineas, in the +Burlington Arcade," said Mrs. Portheris regretfully. + +"Then," said Dicky gravely, groping to hand her the knife, "they will be +of good kid, and probably tender." + +"I hope so, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris; "we must all have some. Will +you--will you _carve_, Mr. Dod?" + +I remembered with a pang how punctilious they were in England about +asking gentlemen to perform this duty, and I received one more +impression of the permanence of British ideas of propriety. But Dicky +declined; said he couldn't undertake it--for a party, and that Mrs. +Portheris must please help herself and never mind him, he would take +anything there was, a little later, with great hospitality. However, she +insisted, and my portion, I know, was a generous one, a slice off the +ankle. Mrs. Portheris begged us to begin; she said it was so cheerless +eating by one's self, and made her feel quite greedy. + +"Really," she said, "it is much better than candle--a little difficult +to masticate perhaps, but, if I do say it myself, quite a tolerable +flavour. If I only hadn't used that abominable French polish this +morning. What do _you_ think, Mr. Dod?" + +"I think," said Dicky, jumping suddenly to his feet, while my heart +stood still with anticipation, "that if there's enough of that shoe +left, you had better put it on again, for I hear people calling us," and +then, making a trumpet with his hands, Dicky shouted till all the +Roman skeletons sufficiently intact turned to listen. But this time the +answer came back from their descendants, running with a flash of +lanterns. + +[Illustration: Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen.] + + * * * * * + +I will skip the scene of our reunion, because I am not good at matters +which are moving, and we were all excessively moved. It is necessary to +explain, however, that Brother Demetrius, when he went above ground, +felt his lumbago so acutely that he retired to bed, and was therefore +not visible when the others came up. As we had planned beforehand, the +Senator decided to go on to the Jewish Catacombs, taking it for granted +that we would follow, while Brother Eusebius, when he found Demetrius in +bed, also took it for granted that we had gone on ahead. He did not +inquire, he said, because the virtue of taciturnity being denied to them +in the exercise of their business, they always diligently cultivated it +in private. My own conviction was that they were not on speaking terms. +Our friends and relatives, after looking at the Jewish Catacombs, had +driven back to the hotel, and only began to feel anxious at tea time, as +they knew the English refreshment-rooms were closed for the season, like +everything else, and Isabel asserted with tears that if her mother was +above ground she would not miss her tea. So they all drove back to the +Catacombs, and effected our rescue after we had been immured for exactly +seven hours. I wish to add, to the credit of Mr. Richard Dod, that he +has never yet breathed a syllable to anybody about the manner in which +Mrs. Portheris sustained nature during our imprisonment, although he +must often have been strongly tempted to do so. And neither have +I--until now. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +"The thing that struck me on our drive to the hotel," remarked momma, +"was that Naples was almost entirely inhabited by the lower classes." + +"That is very noticeable indeed," concurred Mr. Mafferton, who was also +there for the first time. "The people of the place are no doubt in the +country at this time of the year, but one would naturally expect to see +more respectable persons about." + +"Now you'll excuse me, Mafferton," said the Senator, "but that's just +one of those places where I lose the trail of the English language as +used by the original inventors. Where do you draw the line of +distinction between people and persons?" + +"It's a mere Briticism, poppa," I observed. Mr. Mafferton loathed being +obliged to defend his native tongue at any point. That very morning the +_modus vivendi_ between us, that I had done so much for Dicky's sake to +establish, had been imperilled by my foolish determination to know +why all Englishmen pronounced "white" "wite." + +"I daresay," said poppa gloomily, "but I am not on to it and I don't +suppose I ever shall be. What struck me on the ride up through the city +was the perambulating bath. Going round on wheels to be hired out, just +the ordinary tin tub of commerce. The fellows were shouting +something--'Who'll buy a wash!' I suppose. But that's the disadvantage +of a foreign language; it leaves so much to the imagination." + +"The goats were nice," I said, "so promiscuous. I saw one of them +looking out of a window." + +"And the dear little horses with bells round their necks," momma added, +"and the tall yellow houses with the stucco dropping off, and especially +the fruit shops and the flower stalls that make pictures down every +narrow street. Such _masses_ of colour!" + +"We might have hit on a worse hotel," observed Mr. Mafferton. "Very +tolerable soup, to-night." + +"I can't say I noticed the soup," said the Senator. "Fact is, soup to me +is just--soup. I presume there are different kinds, but beyond knowing +most of them from gruel I don't pretend to be a connoisseur." + +"What nonsense, Alexander!" said momma sternly. + +"Some are saltier than others, Augusta, I admit. But what I was going on +to say was that for clear monotony the dinner programmes ever since +Paris have beaten the record. Bramley told me how it would be. Consommy, +he said--that's soup--consommy, the whole enduring time. Fish _frité_ or +fried, roast beef _à l'Italienne_ or mixed up with vegetables. +Beans--well, just beans, and if you don't like 'em you can leave 'em, +but that fourth course is never anything but beans. After that you get +a chicken cut up with lettuce, because if it was put on the table whole +some disappointed investigator might find out there was nothing inside +and file a complaint. Anything to support that unstuffed chicken? Nope. +Finishing up with a compote of canned fruit, mostly California pears +that want more cooking, and after that cheese, if you like cheese, and +coffee charged extra. Thanks to Bramley, I can't say I didn't know what +to expect, but that doesn't increase the variety any. Now in America--I +understand you have been to America, sir?" + +"I have travelled in the States to some extent," responded Mr. +Mafferton. + +"Seen Brooklyn Bridge and the Hudson, I presume. Had a look at Niagara +Falls and a run out to Chicago, maybe. That was before I had the +pleasure of meeting you. Get as far as the Yosemite? No? Well, you were +there long enough anyhow to realise that our hotels are run on the free +will system." + +"I remember," said Mr. Mafferton. "All the luxuries of the coming +season, printed on a card usually about a foot long. A great variety, +and very difficult to understand. When I had finished trying to +translate the morning paper, I used to attack the card. I found that it +threw quite a light upon early American civilisation from the aboriginal +side. 'Hominy,' 'Grits,' 'Buckwheats,' 'Cantelopes,' are some of the +dishes I remember. 'Succotash,' too, and 'creamed squash,' but I think +they occurred at dinner generally. I used to summon the waiter, and +when he came to take my orders I would ask him to derive those dishes. I +had great difficulty after a time in summoning a waiter. But the plan +gave me many interesting half hours. In the end I usually ordered a +chop." + +"I don't want to run down your politics," poppa said, "but that's what I +call being too conservative. Augusta, if you have had enough of the Bay +of Naples and the moon, I might remind you of the buried city of +Pompeii, which is on for to-morrow. It's a good long way out, and you'll +want all your powers of endurance. I'm going down to have a smoke, and a +look at the humorous publications of Italy. There's no sort of +sociability about these hotels, but the head _portier_ knows a little +English." + +"I suppose I had better retire," momma admitted, "though I sometimes +wish Mr. Wick wasn't so careful of my nervous system. Delicious scene, +good-night." And she too left us. + +We were sitting in a narrow balcony that seemed to jut out of a horn of +the city's lovely crescent. Dicky and Isabel occupied chairs at a +distance nicely calculated to necessitate a troublesome raising of the +voice to communicate with them. Mrs. Portheris was still confined to her +room with what was understood to be the constitutional shock of her +experiences in the Catacombs. Dicky, in joyful privacy, assured me that +nobody could recover from a combination of Roman tallow and French kid +in less than a week, but I told him he did not know the British +constitution. + +[Illustration: We were sitting in a narrow balcony.] + +The moon sailed high over Naples, and lighted the lapping curve of her +perfect bay in the deepest, softest blue, and showed us some of the +nearer houses of the city, sloping and shouldering and creeping down, +that they were pink and yellow and parti-coloured, while the rest curved +and glimmered round the water in all tender tones of white holding up a +thousand lamps. And behind, curving too, the hills stood clear, with the +grey phantom of Vesuvius in sharp familiar lines, sending up its stream +of steady red, and now and then a leaping flame. It was a scene to wake +the latent sentiment of even a British bosom. I thought I would stay a +little longer. + +"So you usually ordered a chop?" I said by way of resuming the +conversation. "I hope the chops were tender." + +(I have a vague recollection that my intonation was.) + +"There are worse things in the States than the mutton," replied Mr. +Mafferton, moving his chair to enable him, by twisting his neck not too +ostentatiously, to glance occasionally at Dicky and Isabel, "but the +steaks were distinctly better than the chops--distinctly." + +"So all connoisseurs say," I replied respectfully. "Would you like to +change seats with me? I don't mind sitting with my back to--Vesuvius." + +Mr. Mafferton blushed--unless it was the glow from the volcano. + +"Not on my account," he said. "By any means." + +"You do not fear a demonstration," I suggested. "And yet the forces of +nature are very uncertain. That is your English nerve. It deserves all +that is said of it." + +Mr. Mafferton looked at me suspiciously. + +"I fancy you must be joking," he said. + +He sometimes complained that the great bar to his observation of the +American character was the American sense of humour. It was one of the +things he had made a note of, as interfering with the intelligent +stranger's enjoyment of the country. + +"I suppose," I replied reproachfully, "you never pause to think how +unkind a suspicion like that is? When one _wishes_ to be taken +seriously." + +"I fear I do not," Mr. Mafferton confessed. "Perhaps I jump rather +hastily to conclusions sometimes. It's a family trait. We get it through +the Warwick-Howards on my mother's side." + +"Then, of course, there can't be any objection to it. But when one knows +a person's opinion of frivolity, always to be thought frivolous by the +person is hard to bear. Awfully." + +And if my expression, as I gazed past this Englishman at Vesuvius, was +one of sad resignation, there was nothing in the situation to exhilarate +anybody. + +The impassive countenance of Mr. Mafferton was disturbed by a ray of +concern. The moonlight enabled me to see it quite clearly. "Pray, Miss +Wick," he said, "do not think that. Who was it that wrote----" + + "A little humour now and then + Is relished by the wisest men." + +"I don't know," I said, "but there's something about it that makes me +think it is English in its origin. Do you _really_ endorse it?" + +"Certainly I do. And your liveliness, Miss Wick, if I may say so, is +certainly one of your accomplishments. It is to some extent a racial +characteristic. You share it with Mr. Dod." + +I glanced in the direction of the other two. "They seem desperately +bored with each other," I said. "They are not saying anything. Shall we +join them?" + +"Dod is probably sulking because I am monopolising you. Mrs. Portheris, +you see, has let me into the secret"--Mr. Mafferton looked _very_ +arch--"By all means, if you think he ought to be humoured." + +"No," I said firmly, "humouring is very bad for Dicky. But I don't think +he should be allowed to wreak his ill-temper on Isabel." + +"I have noticed a certain lack of power to take the initiative about +Miss Portheris," said Mr. Mafferton coldly, "especially when her mother +is not with her. She seems quite unable to extricate herself from +situations like the present." + +"She is so young," I said apologetically, "and besides, I don't think +you could expect her to go quite away and leave us here together, you +know. She would naturally have foolish ideas. She doesn't know anything +about our irrevocable Past." + +"Why should she care?" asked Mr. Mafferton hypocritically. + +"Oh," I said. "I don't know, I'm sure. Only Mrs. Portheris----" + +"She is certainly a charming girl," said Mr. Mafferton. + +"And _so_ well brought up," said I. + +"Ye-es. Perhaps a little self-contained." + +"She has no need to rely upon her conversation." I observed. + +"I don't know. The fact is----" + +"What is the fact?" I asked softly. "After all that has passed I think I +may claim your confidence, Mr. Mafferton." I had some difficulty +afterwards in justifying this, but it seemed entirely appropriate at the +time. + +"The fact is, that up to three weeks ago I believed Miss Portheris to be +the incarnation of so many unassuming virtues and personal charms that I +was almost ready to make a fresh bid for domestic happiness in her +society. I have for some time wished to marry----" + +"I know," I said sympathetically. + +"But during the last three weeks I have become a little uncertain." + +"There shouldn't be the _slightest_ uncertainty," I observed. + +"Marriage in England is such a permanent institution." + +"I have known it to last for years even in the United States," I +sighed. + +"And it is a serious responsibility to undertake to reciprocate in full +the devotion of an attached wife." + +"I fancy Isabel is a person of strong affections," I said; "one notices +it with her mother. And any one who could dote on Mrs. Portheris would +certainly----" + +"I fear so," said Mr. Mafferton. + +"I understand," I continued, "why you hesitate. And really, feeling as +you do, I wouldn't be precipitate." + +"I won't," he said. + +"Watch the state of your own heart," I counselled, "for some little +time. You may be sure that hers will not alter;" and, as we said +good-night, I further suggested that it would be a kindness if Mr. +Mafferton would join my lonely parent in the smoking-room. + +I don't know what happened on the balcony after that. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +"Mamma," said Isabel, as we gathered in the hotel vestibule for the +start to Pompeii, "is really not fit to undertake it." + +"You'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline," remarked the Senator, "but your +complexion isn't by any means right yet. It's a warm day and a long +drive. Just as likely as not you'll be down sick after it." + +"Stuff!" said Mrs. Portheris. "I thank my stars _I_ have got no +enfeebled American constitution. I am perfectly equal to it, thank you." + +"It's most unwise," observed Mr. Mafferton. + +"Darned--I mean extremely risky," sighed Dicky. + +Mrs. Portheris faced upon them. "And pray what do _you_ know about it?" +she demanded. + +Then momma put in her oar, taking most unguardedly a privilege of +relationship. "Of course, you are the best judge of how you feel +yourself, Aunt Caroline, but we are told there are some steps to ascend +when we get there--and you know how fleshy you are." + +In the instant of ominous silence which occurred while Mrs. Portheris +was getting her chin into the angle of its greatest majesty, Mr. +Mafferton considerately walked to the door. When it was accomplished +she looked at momma sideways and down her nose, precisely in the manner +of the late Mr. Du Maurier's ladies in _Punch_, in the same state of +mind. She might have sat or stood to him. It was another ideal realised. + +"That is the latest, the very latest Americanism which I have observed +in your conversation, Augusta. In your native land it may be admissible, +but please understand that I cannot permit it to be applied to me +personally. To English ears it is offensive, very offensive. It is also +quite improper for you to assume any familiarity with my figure. As you +say, _I_ may be aware of its corpulence, but nobody else--er--can +possibly know anything about it." + +Momma was speechless, and, as usual, the Senator came to the rescue. He +never will allow momma to be trampled on, and there was distinct +retaliation in his manner. "Look here, aunt," he said, "there's nothing +profane in saying you're fleshy when you _are_, you know, and you don't +need to remove so much as your bonnet strings for the general public to +be aware of it. And when you come to America don't you ever insult +anybody by calling her corpulent, which is a perfectly indecent +expression. Now if you won't go back to bed and tranquillise your +mind--on a plain soda----" + +"I won't," said Mrs. Portheris. + +"De carriages is already," said the head porter, glistening with an +amiability of which we all appreciated the balm. And we entered the +carriages--Mrs. Portheris and the downcast Isabel and Mr. Mafferton in +one, and momma, poppa, Dicky, and I in the other. For no American would +have been safe in Mrs. Portheris's carriage for at least two hours, and +this came home even to Mr. Dod. + +"Never again!" exclaimed momma as we rattled down among the narrow +streets that crowd under the Funicular railway. "Never again will I call +that woman Aunt Caroline." + +"Don't call her fleshy, my dear, that's what really irritated her," +remarked the Senator. The Senator's discrimination, I have often +noticed, is not the nicest thing about him. + +Hours and hours it seemed to take, that drive to Pompeii. Past the +ambitious confectioner with his window full of cherry pies, each cherry +round and red and shining like a marble, and the plate glass dry-goods +store where ready-made costumes were displayed that looked as if they +might fit just as badly as those of Westbourne Grove, and so by degrees +and always down hill through narrower and shabbier streets where all the +women walked bareheaded and the shops were mostly turned out on the +pavement for the convenience of customers, and a good many of them went +up and down in wheelbarrows. And often through narrow ways so +high-walled and many-windowed that it was quite cool and dusky down +below, and only a strip of sun showed far up along the roofs of one +side. Here and there a wheelbarrow went strolling through these streets +too, and we saw at least one family marketing. From a little square +window a prodigious way up came, as we passed, a cry with custom in it, +and a wheelbarrow paused beneath. Then down from the window by a long, +long rope slid a basket from the hands of a young woman leaning out in +red, and the vendor took the opportunity of sitting down on his barrow +handle till it arrived. Soldi and a piece of paper he took out of the +basket and a cabbage and onions he put in, and then it went swinging +upwards and he picked up his barrow again, and we rattled on and left +him shouting and pushing his hat back--it was not a soft felt but a +bowler--to look up at the other windows. In spite of the bowler it was a +picturesque and Neapolitan incident, and it left us much divided as to +the contents of the piece of paper. + +"My idea is," said the Senator, "that the young woman in the red jersey +was the hired girl and that note was what you might call a clandestine +communication." + +"Since we are in Naples," remarked Mr. Dod, "I think, Senator, your +deduction is correct. Where we come from a slavey with any self-respect +would put her sentiments on a gilt-edged correspondence card in a +scented envelope with a stamp on the outside and ask you to kindly drop +it into the pillar box on your way to business; but this chimes in with +all you read about Naples." + +"Perfectly ridiculous!" said momma. "Mark my words, that note was either +a list of vegetables wanted, or an intimation that if they weren't going +to be fresher than the last, that man needn't stop for orders in +future. And in a country as destitute of elevators as this one is I +suppose you couldn't keep a servant a week if you didn't let her save +the stairs somehow. But I must say if I were going to have cabbage and +onions the same day I wouldn't like the neighbours to know it." + +I entirely agreed with momma, and was reflecting, while they talked of +something else, on the injustice of considering ours the sentimental +sex, when the Senator leaned forward and advised me in an undertone to +make a note of the market basket. + +"And take my theory to account for the piece of paper," said he; "your +mother's may be the most likely, but mine is _what the public will +expect_." + +And always the shadows of the narrow streets crooked in the end into a +little plaza full of sun and beggars, and lemonade stands, and hawkers +of wild strawberries, and when the great bank of a flower-stall stood +just where the shadow ended sharply and the sun began, it made something +to remember. After that our way lay through a suburban parish _fête_, +and we pursued it under strings and strings of little glass lanterns, +red, and green, and blue, that swung across the streets; and there were +goats and more children, and momma vainly endeavoured to keep off the +smells with her parasol. Then a region of docks and masts rising +unexpectedly, and many little fish shops, and a glitter of scales on the +pavement, and disconnected coils of rope, and lounging men with +earrings, and unkempt women with babies, and above and over all the +warm scent, standing still in the sun, of hemp, and tar, and the sea. + +"The city," said the Senator, casting his practised eye on a piece of +dead wall that ran along the pavement, "is evidently in the turmoil of a +general election, though you mightn't notice it. It's the third time +I've seen those posters '_Viva il Prefétto!_' and '_Viva L'opposizione!_ +That seems to be about all they can do, just as if we contented ourselves +with yelling ''Rah for Bryan!' 'One more for McKinley!' I must say if they +haven't any more notion of business than that they don't either of 'em +deserve to get there." + +"In France," observed Mr. Dod, "they stick up little handbills addressed +to their '_chers concitoyens_' as if voters were a lot of baa-lambs and +willie-boys. It makes enervating reading." + +"Young man," said poppa in a burst of feeling, "they say the American +eagle might keep her beak shut with advantage, more than she does; but I +tell you," and the Senator's hand came down hard on Dicky's knee, "a +trip around Europe is enough to turn her into a singing bird, sir, a +singing bird." + +I don't get my imagination entirely from momma. + +"_Viva il Prefétto! Viva L'opposizione!_" poppa repeated pityingly, as +another pair of posters came in sight. "Well, it won't ever do the +Government of Italy any good, but I guess I'm with the _Opposizione_." + +The road grew emptier and sandy white, and commerce forsook it but for +here and there a little shop with fat yellow bags, which were the +people's cheeses, hanging in bladders at the door. Crumbled gateways +began to appear, and we saw through them that the villa gardens inside +ran down and dropped their rose leaves into the blue of the +Mediterranean. We met the country people going their ways to town; they +looked at us with friendly patronage, knowing all about us, what we had +come to see, and the foolishness of it, and especially the ridiculous +cost of _carozza_ that take people to Pompeii. And at last, just as the +sun and the jolting and the powdery white dust combined had instigated +us all to suggest to the Senator how much better it would have been to +come by rail, the ponies made a glad and jingling sweep under the +acacias of the Hôtel Diomede, which is at the portals of Pompeii. + +It seemed a casual and a cheerful place, full of open doors and +proprietary Neapolitans who might have been brothers and sisters-in-law, +whose conversation we interrupted coming in. There had been domestic +potations; a very fat lady, with a horn comb in her hair, wiped liquid +rings off the table with her apron, removing the glasses, while a +collarless male person with an agreeable smile and a soft felt hat +placed wooden chairs for us in a row. Poppa knows no Italian, but they +seemed to understand from what he said that we wanted things to drink, +and brought us with surprising accuracy precisely what each of us +preferred, lemonade for momma and me, and beverages consisting largely, +though not entirely, of soda water for the Senator and Mr. Dod. While +we refreshed ourselves, another, elderly, grizzled, and one-eyed, came +and took up a position just outside the door opposite and sang a song of +adventurous love, boxing his own ears in the chorus with the liveliest +effect. A further agreeable person waited upon us and informed us that +he was the interpreter, he would everything explain to us, that this was +a beggar man who wanted us to give him some small money, but there was +no compulsion if we did not wish to do so. I think he gave us that +interpretation for nothing. The fat lady then produced a large fan which +she waved over us assiduously, and the collarless man in the soft hat +stood by to render aid in any further emergency, smiling upon us as if +we were delicacies out of season. Poppa bore it as long as he could, and +we all made an unsuccessful effort to appear as if we were quite +accustomed to as much attention and more in the hotels of America; but +in a very few minutes we knew all the disadvantages of being of too much +importance. Presently the one-eyed man gave way to a pair of players on +the flute and mandolin. + +"Look here," said poppa at this, to the interpreter, "you folks are +putting yourselves out on our account a great deal more than is +necessary. We are just ordinary travelling public, and you don't need to +entertain us with side shows that we haven't ordered any more than if we +belonged to your own town. See?" But the interpreter did not see. He +beckoned instead to an engaging daughter of the fat lady, who approached +modestly with a large book of photographs, which she opened before the +Senator, kneeling beside his chair. + +"Great Scott!" exclaimed poppa, "I'm not a crowned head. Rise, Miss +Diomede." + +Removing his cigar, he assisted the young lady to her feet and led her +to a sofa at the other end of the room, where, as they turned over the +photographs together, I heard him ask her if she objected to tobacco. + +"You may go," said momma to the interpreter, "and explain the scenes. +Mr. Wick will enjoy them much more if he understands them." The freedom +from conventional restraint which characterises American society very +seldom extends to married gentlemen. + +We had to wait twenty minutes for the other party, on account of their +British objection to anybody's dust. Even Mr. Mafferton looked quelled +when they arrived, and Isabel quite abject, while Mrs. Portheris wore +that air of justification which no circumstance could impair, which was +particularly her own. She would not sit down. "It gives these people a +claim on you," she said. "I did not come here to run up an hotel bill, +but to see Pompeii. Pompeii I demand to see." The players on the flute +and mandolin looked at Mrs. Portheris consideringly and then strolled +away, and the guide, with a sorrowful glance at the landlady, put on his +hat. "I can explain you everything," he said with an inflection that +placed the responsibility for remaining in ignorance upon our own heads, +but Mrs. Portheris waved him away with her fan. "No," she said. "I beg +that this man shall not be allowed to inflict himself upon our party. +I particularly desire to form my own impression of the historic city, +that city that did so much for the reputation of Sir Henry Bulwer +Lytton. Besides, these people mount up ridiculously, and with servants +at home on half wages, and Consols in the state they are, one is really +compelled to economise." + +[Illustration: "I'm not a crowned head!"] + +It was difficult to protest against Mrs. Portheris's regulations, and +impossible to contravene them, so I have nothing to report of that guide +but his card, which bore the name "Antonio Plicco," and his memory, +which is a blank. + +There was an ascent, and Mrs. Portheris mounted it proudly. I pointed +out to poppa half-way up that his esteemed relative hadn't turned a +hair, but he was inclined to be incredulous; said you couldn't tell what +was going on in the Department of the Interior. The Senator often uses a +political reference to carry him over a delicate allusion. Flowering +shrubs and bushes lined the path we climbed, silent in the sunshine, +dustily decorative, and at the top the turning of a key let us into a +strange place. Always a strange place, however often the guide-books +beat their iterations upon it, a place that leaps at imagination, +peering into other days through the mists that lie between, and blinds +it with a rush of light--the place where they have gathered together +what was left of the dead Pompeiians and their world. There they lay +before us for our wonderment as they ran, and tripped, and struggled, +and fell in the night of that day when they and the gods together were +overwhelmed, and they died as they thought in the end of time. And +through an open door Vesuvius sent up its eternal gentle woolly curl +again the daylight sky, and vineyards throve, and birds sang, and we, +who had survived the gods, came curious to look. The figures lay in +glass cases, and Dicky remarked, with unusual seriousness, that it was +like a dead-house. + +"Except," said poppa, "that in this mortuary there isn't ever going to +be anybody who can identify the remains. When you come to think of +it--that's kind of hard." + +"No chance of Christian burial once you get into a museum," said Dick +with solicitude. + +"I should like," remarked Mrs. Portheris, polishing her _pince nez_ to +get a better view of a mother and daughter lying on their faces. "I +should like to see the clergyman who would attempt it. These people were +heathen, and richly deserved their fate. Richly!" + +Momma looked at her husband's Aunt Caroline with indignant scorn. "Do +you really think so?" she asked, but we could all see that her words +were a very inadequate expression for her emotions. Mrs. Portheris drew +all the guns of her orthodoxy into line for battle. "I am surprised----" +she began, and then the Senator politely but firmly interfered. + +"Ladies," he said, "'_De mortuis nisi bonum_,' which is to say it isn't +customary to slang corpses, especially, as you may say, in their +presence. I guess we can all be thankful, anyhow, that heathen nowadays +have got a cooler earth to live on," and that for the moment was the end +of it, but momma still gazed commiseratingly at the figures, with a +suspicious tendency to look for her handkerchief. + +"It's too terrible," she said. "We can actually see their _features_." + +"Don't let them get on your nerves, Augusta," suggested poppa. + +"I won't if I can help it. But when you see their clothes and their hair +and realise----" + +"It happened over eighteen hundred years ago, my dear, and most of them +got away." + +"That didn't make it any better for those who are now before us," and +momma used her handkerchief threateningly, though it was only in +connection with her nose. + +"Well now, Augusta, I hate to destroy an illusion like that, because +they're not to be bought with money, but since you're determined to work +yourself up over these unfortunates, I've got to expose them to you. +They're not the genuine remains you take them for. They're mere +worthless imitations." + +"Alexander," said momma suspiciously, "you never hesitate to tamper with +the truth if you think it will make me any more comfortable. I don't +believe you." + +"All right," returned the Senator; "when we get home you ask Bramley. It +was Bramley that put me on to it. Whenever one of those Pompeii fellows +dropped, the ashes kind of caked over him, and in the course of time +there was a hole where he had been. See? And what you're looking at is +just a collection of those holes filled up with composition and then dug +out. Mere holes!" + +"The illusion is dreadfully perfect," sighed momma. "Fancy dying like a +baked potato in hot ashes! Somehow, Alexander, I don't seem able to get +over it," and momma gazed with distressed fascination at the grim form +of the negro porter. + +"We've got no proper grounds for coming to that conclusion either," +replied poppa firmly. "Just as likely they were suffocated by the gas +that came up out of the ground." + +"Oh, if I could think that!" momma exclaimed with relief. "But if I find +you've been deceiving me, Alexander, I'll never forgive you. It's _too_ +solemn!" + +"You ask Bramley," I heard the Senator reply. "And now come and tell me +if this loaf of bread somebody baked eighteen hundred and twenty +something years ago isn't exactly the same shape as the Naples bakers +are selling right now." + +"Daughter," said momma as she went, "I hope you are taking copious +notes. This is the wonder of wonders that we behold to-day." I said I +was, and I wandered over to where Mrs. Portheris examined with Mr. +Mafferton an egg that was laid on the last day of Pompeii. Mrs. +Portheris was asking Mr. Mafferton, in her most impressive manner, if it +was not too wonderful to have positive proof that fowls laid eggs then +just as they do now; and I made a note of that too. Dicky and Isabel +bemoaned the fate of the immortal dog who still bites his flank in the +pain extinguished so long ago. I hardly liked to disturb them, but I +heard Dicky say as I passed that he didn't mind much about the humans, +they had their chance, but this poor little old tyke was tied up, and +that on the part of Providence was playing it low down. + +Then we all stepped out into the empty streets of Pompeii and Mr. +Mafferton read to us impressively, from Murray, the younger Pliny's +letter to Tacitus describing its great disaster. The Senator listened +thoughtfully, for Pliny goes into all kinds of interesting details. "I +haven't much acquaintance with the classics," said he, as Mr. Mafferton +finished, "but it strikes me that the modern New York newspaper was the +medium to do that man justice. It's the most remarkable case I've +noticed of a good reporter _born before his time_." + +"A terrible retribution," said Mrs. Portheris, looking severely at the +Tavern of Phoebus, forever empty of wine-bibbers. "They worshipped +Jupiter, I understand, and other deities even less respectable. Can we +wonder that a volcano was sent to destroy them! One thing we may be +quite sure of--if the city had only turned from its wickedness and +embraced Christianity, this never would have happened." + +Momma compressed her lips and then relaxed them again to say, "I think +that idea perfectly ridiculous." I scented battle and hung upon the +issue, but the Senator for the third time interposed. + +"Why no, Augusta," he said, "I guess that's a working hypothesis of Aunt +Caroline's. Here's Vesuvius smokin' away ever since just the same, and +there's Naples with a bishop and the relics of Saint Januarius. You can +read in your guide-book that whenever Vesuvius has looked as if he meant +business for the past few hundred years, the people of Naples have +simply called on the bishop to take out the relics of Saint Januarius +and walk 'em round the town; and that's always been enough for Vesuvius. +Now the Pompeii folks didn't know a saint or a bishop by sight, and +Jupiter, as Aunt Caroline says, was never properly qualified to +interfere. That's how it was, I _presume_. I don't suppose the people of +Naples take much stock in the laws of nature; they don't have to, with +Januarius in a drawer. And real estate keeps booming right along." + +"You have an extraordinary way of putting things," remarked Mrs. +Portheris to her nephew. "Very extraordinary. But I am glad to hear that +you agree with me," and she looked as if she did not understand momma's +acquiescent smile. + +We went our several ways to see the baths, and the Comic Theatre, the +bakehouse and the gymnasium; and I had a little walk by myself in the +Street of Abundance, where the little empty houses waited patiently on +either side for those to return who had gone out, and the sun lay full +on their floors of dusty mosaic, and their gardens where nothing grew. +It seemed to me, as it seems to everybody, that Pompeii was not dead, +but asleep, and her tints were so clear and gay that her dreams might be +those of a ballet-girl. A solitary yellow dog chased a lizard in the +sun, and the pebbles he knocked about made an absurdly disturbing noise. +Beyond the vague tinted roofless walls that stretched over the pleasant +little peninsula, the blue sea rippled tenderly, remembering much +delight, and the place seemed to smile in its sleep. It was easy to +understand why Cicero chose to have his villa in the midst of such +light-heartedness, and why the gods, perhaps, decided that they had lent +too much laughter to Pompeii. I made free of the hospitality of +Cornelius Rufus and sat for a while in his _exedra_, where he himself, +in marble on a little pillar in the middle of the room, made me as +welcome as if I had been a client or a neighbour. We considered each +other across the centuries, making mutual allowances, and spent the most +sociable half-hour. I take a personal interest in the city's disaster +now--it overwhelmed one of my friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +On the Lungarno in Florence, in the cool of the evening, we walked +together, the Senator, momma, Dicky, and I. Dicky radiated depression, +if such a thing is atmospherically possible; we all moved in it. Mr. Dod +had been banished from the Portheris party, and he groaned over the +reflection that it was his own fault. At Pompeii I had exerted myself in +his interest to such an extent that Mr. Mafferton detached himself from +Mrs. Portheris and attached himself to momma for the drive home. Little +did I realise that one could be too agreeable in a good cause. Dicky +insinuated himself with difficulty into Mr. Mafferton's vacant place +opposite Mrs. Portheris, and even before the carriages started I saw +that he was going to have a bad time. His own version of the experience +was painful in the extreme, and he represented the climax as having +occurred just as they arrived at the hotel. The unfortunate youth must +have been goaded to his fate, for his general attitude toward matters of +orthodoxy was most discreet. + +"There is something _Biblical_," said Mrs. Portheris (so Dicky related), +"that those Pompeiian remains remind me of, and I cannot think what it +is." + +"Lot's wife, mamma?" said Isabel. + +"_Quite_ right, my child--what a memory you have! That wretched woman +who stopped to look back at the city where careless friends and +relatives were enjoying themselves, indifferent to their coming fate, in +direct disobedience to the command. Of course, she turned to salt, and +these people to ashes, but she must have looked very much like them when +the process was completed." + +That was Dicky's opportunity for restraint and submission, but he seemed +to have been physically unable to take it. He rushed, instead, blindly +to perdition. "I don't believe that yarn," he said. + +There was a moment's awful silence, during which Dicky said he counted +his heart-beats and felt as if he had announced himself an atheist or a +Jew, and then his sentence fell. + +"In that case, Mr. Dod, I must infer that you are opposed to the +doctrine of the complete inspiration of Holy Writ. If you do not believe +in that, I shudder to think of what you may not believe in. I will say +no more now, but after dinner I will be obliged to speak to you for a +few minutes, privately. Thank you, I can get out without assistance." + +And after dinner, privately, Dicky learned that Mrs. Portheris had for +some time been seriously considering the effect of his, to her, +painfully flippant views, upon the opening mind of her daughter--the +child had only been out six months--and that his distressing +announcement of this morning left her in no further doubt as to her +path of duty. She would always endeavour to have as kindly a +recollection of him as possible, he had really been very obliging, but +for the present she must ask him to make some other travelling +arrangements. Cook, she believed, would always change one's tickets less +ten per cent., but she would leave that to Dicky. And she hoped, she +_sincerely_ hoped, that time would improve his views. When that was +accomplished she trusted he would write and tell her, but not before. + +"And while I'm getting good and ready to pass an examination in Noah, +Jonah, and Methuselah," remarked Dicky bitterly, as we discussed the +situation on the Lungarno for the seventh time that day, "Mafferton +sails in." + +"Why didn't you tell her plainly that you wanted to marry Isabel, and +would brook no opposition?" I demanded, for my stock of sympathy was +getting low. + +"Now that's a valuable suggestion, isn't it?" returned Mr. Dod with +sarcasm. "Good old psychological moment that was, wasn't it? Talk about +girls having tact! Besides, I've never told Isabel herself yet, and I'm +not the American to give in to the effete and decaying custom of asking +a girl's poppa, or momma if it's a case of widow, first. Not Richard +Dod." + +"What on earth," I exclaimed, "have you been doing all this time?" + +"Now go slow, Mamie, and don't look at me like that. I've been trying to +make her acquainted with me--explaining the kind of fellow I +am--getting solid with her. See?" + +"Showing her the beauties of your character!" I exclaimed derisively. + +"I said something about the defects, too," said Dicky modestly, "though +not so much. And I was getting on beautifully, though it isn't so easy +with an English girl. They don't seem to think it's proper to analyse +your character. They're so maidenly." + +"And so unenterprising," I said, but I said it to myself. + +"Isabel was actually beginning to _lead up to the subject_," Dicky went +on. "She asked me the other day if it was true that all American men +were flirts. In another week I should have felt that she would know what +was proposing to her." + +"And you were going to wait another week?" + +"Well, a man wants every advantage," said Dicky blandly. + +"Did you explain to Isabel that you were only joining our party in the +hope of meeting her accidentally soon again?" + +"What else," asked he in pained surprise, "should I have joined it for? +No, I didn't; I hadn't the chance, for one thing. You took the first +train back to Rome next morning, you know. She wasn't up." + +"True," I responded. "Momma said not another hour of her husband's Aunt +Caroline would she ever willingly endure. She said she would spend her +entire life, if necessary, in avoiding the woman." But Dicky had not +followed the drift of my thought. + +I added vaguely, "I hope she will understand it"--I really couldn't be +more definite--and bade Mr. Dod good-night. He held my hand +absent-mindedly for a moment, and mentioned the effectiveness of the +Ponte Vecchio from that point of view. + +"I didn't feel bound to change my tickets less ten per cent.," he said +hopefully, "and we're sure to come across them early and often. In the +meantime you might try and soften me a little--about Lot's wife." + +Next day, in the Ufizzi, it was no surprise to meet the Miss Binghams. +We had a guilty consciousness of fellow-citizenship as we recognised +them, and did our best to look as if two weeks were quite long enough to +be forgotten in, but they seemed charitable and forgiving on this +account, said they had looked out for us everywhere, and _had_ we seen +the cuttings in the Vatican? + +"The statues, you know," explained Miss Cora kindly, seeing that we did +not comprehend. "Marvellous--simply marvellous! We enjoyed nothing so +much as the marble department. It takes it out of you though--we were +awfully done afterwards." + +I wondered what Phidias would have said to the "cuttings," and whether +the Miss Binghams imagined it a Briticism. It also occurred to me that +one should never mix one's colloquialisms; but that, of course, did not +prevent their coming round with us. I believe they did it partly to +diffuse their guide among a larger party. He was hanging, as they came +up, upon Miss Cora's reluctant earring, so to speak, and she was +mechanically saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" to his representations. "I +suppose," said she inadvertently, "there is no way of preventing their +giving one information," and after that when she hospitably pressed the +guide upon us we felt at liberty to be unappreciative. + +I regret to write it of two maiden ladies of good New York family, and a +knowledge of the world; but the Miss Binghams capitulated to Dicky Dod +with a promptness and unanimity which would have been very bad for him +if nobody had been there to counteract its effects. He walked between +them through the vestibules, absorbing a flow of tribute from each side +with a complacency which his recent trying experiences made all the more +profound. There was always a something, Miss Nancy declared, about an +American who had made his home in England--you could always tell. "In +your case, Mr. Dod, there is an association of Bond Street. I can't +describe it, but it is there. I hope you don't mind my saying so." + +"Oh, no," said Dicky, "I guess it's my tailor. He lives in Bond Street;" +but this was artless and not ironical. Miss Cora went further. "I should +have taken Mr. Dod for an Englishman," she said, at which the +miscalculated Mr. Dod looked alarmed. + +"Is that so?" he responded. "Then I'll book my passage back at once. +I've been over there too long. You see I've been kind of obliged to +stay for reasons connected with the firm, but you ladies can take my +word for it that when you get through this sort of ridiculous veneer +I've picked up you'll find a regular all-wool-and-a-yard-wide +city-of-Chicago American, and I'm bound to ask you not to forget it. +This English way of talking is a thing that grows on a fellow +unconsciously, don't you know. It wears off when you get home." + +At which Miss Cora and Miss Nancy looked at each other smilingly and +repeated "Don't you know" in derisive echo, and we all felt that our +young friend had been too modest about his acquirements. + +"But we mustn't neglect our old masters," cried Miss Nancy as those of +the first corridor began to slip past us on the walls, with no desire to +interrupt. "What do you think of this Greek Byzantine style, Mr. Wick? +Somehow it doesn't seem to appeal to me, though whether it's the +flatness--or what----" + +"It _is_ flat, certainly," agreed the Senator, "but that's a very +popular style of angel for Christmas cards--the more expensive kinds. +Here, I suppose, we get the original." + +"That is Tuscan school, sir--madam," put in the guide, "and not +angel--Saint Cecilia. Fourteen century, but we do not know that artiss +his name. In the book you will see Cimabue, but it is not +Cimabue--unknown artiss." + +"Dear me!" cried momma. "St. Cecilia, of course. Don't you remember her +expression--in the Catacombs?" + +"She's sweet, always and everywhere," said Miss Cora, as we moved on, +leaving the guide explaining St. Cecilia with his hands behind his back. +"And you did go to Capri after all? Now I wonder, Nancy, if they had our +experience about the oysters?" + +"A horrid little man!" cried momma. + +"Who showed you the way to the steamer----" + +"And hung around doing things the whole enduring time," continued my +parent, as Mark Antony's daughter turned her head aside, and Drusus, the +brother of Tiberius, frowned upon our passing. + +"He must have been our man!" cried both the Misses Bingham, with +excitement. + +"In the manner of Taddeo Gaddi," interrupted the guide, surprising us on +the flank with a Holy Family. + +"All right," said the Senator. "Well, this fellow proposed to bring our +party oysters on the steamer, and we took him, of course, for the +steward's tout----" + +"Exactly what we thought." + +"Since _you_ are going to tell the story, Alexander, I may remind you +that he said they were the best in the world," remarked momma, with +several degrees of frost. + +"My dear, the anecdote is yours. But you remember I told him they +wouldn't be in it with Blue Points." + +"Now _what_," exclaimed Miss Nancy, with excitement, "did he ask you for +them?" + +"Three francs a head, Nancy, wasn't it, Mrs. Wick? And you gave the +order, and the man disappeared. And you thought he'd gone to get them; +at least, we did. Nancy here had perfect confidence in him. She said he +had such dog-like eyes, and we were both perfectly certain they would be +served when the steamer stopped at the Blue Grotto----" Miss Cora paused +to smile. + +"But they weren't," suggested momma feebly. + +"No, indeed, and hadn't the slightest intention of being." Miss Nancy +took up the tale. "Not until we were taking off our gloves in the hotel +verandah, and making up our minds to a good hot lunch, did those oysters +appear--exactly half a dozen, and bread and butter extra! And we +couldn't say we hadn't ordered them. And the lunch was only two francs +fifty, _complet_. But we felt we ought to content ourselves with the +oysters, though, of course, you wouldn't with gentlemen in your party. +Now, what course _did_ you pursue, Mrs. Wick?" + +"Really," said momma distantly, "I don't remember. I believe we had +enough to eat. Surely that is little Moses being taken from the +bulrushes! How it adds to one's interest to recognise the subject." + +"By B. Luti," responded Miss Nancy. "I _hope_ he isn't very well known, +for I never heard of him before. Now, there's a Domenichino; I can tell +it from here. I do love Domenichino, don't you?" + +I suppose the Senator knew that momma didn't love Domenichino, and would +possibly be at a loss to say why; at all events, he remarked that, +talking of Capri, he hoped the Miss Binghams had not felt as badly about +inconveniencing the donkeys that took them to the top of the cliff as +momma had. "Mrs. Wick," he informed them, "rode an ass by the name of +Michael Angelo, perfectly accustomed to the climate, and, do you believe +it, she held her parasol over that animal's head the whole way." At +which everybody laughed, and momma, invested with an original and +amiable weakness, was appeased. + +"Of Michelangelo we have not here much," said the guide patiently. +"Drawings yes, and one holy Family--magnificent! But all in another room +w'ich----" + +"Now what Bramley said about the Ufizzi was this," continued the +Senator. "'You'll see on those walls,' he said, 'the best picture show +in the world, both for pedigree and quality of goods displayed. I'd go +as far as to say they're all worth looking at, even those that have been +presented to the institution. But don't you look at them,' Bramley said, +'as a whole. You keep all your absorbing-power for one apartment,' he +said--'the Tribune. You'll want it.' Bramley gave me to understand that +it wasn't any use he didn't profess to be able to describe his sublimer +emotions, but when he sat down in the Tribune he had a sort of +instinctive idea that he'd got the cream of it--he didn't want to go any +further." + +We decided, therefore, in spite of such minor attractions as those of +Niobe and her daughters, at once to achieve the Tribune, feeling, as +poppa said, that it would be most unfortunate to have our admiration all +used up before we reached it. The guide led the way, and it was beguiled +with the fascinating experience of the Miss Binghams, who had met Queen +Marguerite driving in the Villa Borghese at Rome and had received a bow +from her Majesty of which nothing would ever be able to deprive them. +"Of course we drew up to let her pass," said Miss Nancy, "and were +careful not to make ourselves in any way conspicuous, merely standing up +in the carriage as an ordinary mark of respect. And she looked charming, +all in pink and white, with a faded old maid of honour that set her off +beautifully, didn't she, Cora? And such a pretty smile she gave us--they +say she likes the better class of Americans." + +"Oh, we've nothing to regret about Rome," rejoined Cora. "Even Peter's +toe. I wouldn't have kissed it at the time if the guide hadn't said it +was really Jupiter's. I was sure our dear vicar wouldn't mind my kissing +Jupiter's toe. But now I'm glad I did it in any case. People always ask +you that." + +When we arrived at the little octagonal treasure chamber Mr. Dod and +Miss Cora sat down together on one of the less conspicuous sofas, and I +saw that Dicky was already warmed to confidence. Momma at once gave up +her soul to the young St. John, having had an engraving of it ever since +she was a little girl, and the Senator went solemnly from canvas to +canvas on tip-toe with a mind equally open to Job and the Fornarina. He +assured Miss Nancy and me that Bramley was perfectly right in thinking +everything of the Tribune, and with reference to the Dancing Fawn, that +it was worth a visit to see Michael Angelo's notion of executing repairs +to statuary alone. He gave the place the benefit of his most serious +attention, pulling his beard a good deal before Titian's Venus (which +poppa always did in connection with this goddess, however, entirely +apart from the merit of the painting) and obviously making allowances +for her of Medici on account of her great age. At the end of the hour we +spent there it had the same effect upon him as upon Colonel Bramley, he +did not wish to go any further; and we parted from the Miss Binghams, +who did. As I said good-bye to Miss Cora she gave my hand a subtly +sympathetic pressure, whispered tenderly, "He's very nice," and +roguishly escaped before I could ask who was, or what difference it +made. Having thought it over, I took the first opportunity of inquiring +of Dicky how much of his private affairs he had unburdened to Miss Cora. +"Oh," said he, "hardly anything. She knows a former young lady friend of +mine in Syracuse--we still exchange Christmas cards--and that led me on +to say I thought of getting married this winter. Of course I didn't +mention Isabel." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +Out of indulgence to Dicky we lingered in Florence three or four days +longer than was at all convenient, considering, as the Senator said, the +amount of ground we had to cover before we could conscientiously recross +the Channel. But neither poppa nor momma were people to desert a +fellow-countryman in distress in foreign parts, especially in view of +this one's pathetic reliance upon our sympathy and support, as a family. +We all did our best toward the distraction of what momma called his poor +mind, though I cannot say that we were very successful. His poor mind +seemed wholly taken up with one anticipative idea, and whatever failed +to minister to that he hadn't, as poppa sadly said, any use for. The +cloisters of San Marco had no healing for his spirit, and when we +directed his attention to the solitary painting on the wall with which +Fra Angelico made a shrine of each of its monastic cubicles he merely +remarked that it was more than you got in most hotels, and turned +joylessly away. Even the charred stick that helped to martyr Savonarola +left him cold. He said, indifferently, that it was only the natural +result of mixing up politics and religion, and that certain Chicago +ministers who supported Bryan from the pulpit might well take warning. +But his words were apathetic; he did not really care whether those +Chicago ministers went to the stake or not. We stood him before the +bronze gates of Ghiberti, and walked him up and down between rows of +works in _pietra dura_, but without any permanent effect, and when he +contemplated the consecrated residences of Cimabue and Cellini, we could +see that his interest was perfunctory, and that out of the corner of his +eye he really considered passing fiacres. I read to him aloud from +"Romola," and momma bought him an English and Italian washing book that +he might keep a record of his _camicie_ and his _fazzoletti_--it would +be so interesting afterwards, she thought--while the Senator exerted +himself in the way of cheerful conversation, but it was very +discouraging. Even when we dined at the fashionable open air restaurant +in the Cascine, with no less a person than Ouida, in a fluff of grey +hair and black lace, at the next table, and the most distinguished +gambler of the Italian aristocracy presenting a narrow back to us from +the other side, he permitted poppa to compare the quality of the beef +fillets unfavourably with those of New York in silence, and drank his +Chianti with a lack-lustre eye. + +Towards the end of the week, however, Dicky grew remorseful. "It's all +very well," he said to me privately, "for Mrs. Wick to say that she +could spend a lifetime in Florence, if the houses only had a few modern +conveniences. I daresay she could--and as for your poppa, he's as +patient as if this were a Washington hotel and he had a caucus every +night, but it's as plain as Dante's nose that the Senator's dead sick of +this city." + +"Dicky," I said, "that is a reflection of your own state of mind. Poppa +is willing to take as much more Botticelli and Filippo Lippi as it may +be necessary to give him." + +"Oh, I know he _would_" Dicky admitted, "but he isn't as young as he +was, and I should hate to feel I was imposing on him. Besides, I'm +beginning to conclude that they've skipped Florence." + +So it came to pass that we departed for Venice next day, tarrying one +night at Bologna. We had cut a day off Bologna for Dicky's sake, but the +Senator could not be persuaded to sacrifice it altogether on account of +its well known manufacture, into the conditions of which he wished to +inquire. The shops, as we drove to the hotel, seemed to expose nothing +else for sale, but poppa said that, in spite of the local consumption, +it had certainly fallen off, and, as an official representative of one +of its great rivals in the west, he naturally felt a compunctious +interest in the state of the industry. The hotel had a little courtyard, +with an orange tree in the middle and palms in pots, and we came down +the wide marble stairs, past the statues on the landing, and the +paintings on the walls, to find dinner laid on round tables out there, I +remember. A note of momma's occurs here to the effect that there is a +great deal too much fine art in Italian hotels, with a reference to the +fact that the one at Naples had the whole of Pompeii painted on the +dining room walls. She considers this practice embarrassing to the +public mind, which has no way of knowing whether to admire these things +or not, though personally we boldly decided to scorn them all. This, +however, has nothing to do with poppa and the commercial traveller. We +knew he was a commercial traveller by the way he put his toothpick in +his pocket, though poppa said afterwards that he was not exceptionally +endowed for that line of business. He was dining at our table, and by +his gratified manner when we sat down, it was plain that he could speak +English and would be very pleased to do so. Poppa, knowing that his time +was short, began at once. + +"You belong to Bologna, sir?" he inquired with his first spoonful of +soup. For some reason it seems impossible to address a stranger at a +_table d'hôte_, before the soup takes the baldness off the situation. + +The gentleman smiled. He had a broad, open, amiable, red face, with a +short black beard and a round head covered with thick hair in curls, +beautifully parted. "I do not think I belong," he said; "my house of +business, it is at Milan, and I am born at Finalmarina. But I come much +to Bologna, yes." + +"Where did you say you were born?" asked the Senator. + +"Finalmarina. You did not go to there, no? I am sorry." + +"It does seem a pity," replied poppa, "but we've been obliged to pass a +considerable number of your commercial centres, sir. This city, I +presume, has large manufacturing interests?" + +"Oh, yes, I suppose. You 'ave seen that San Petronio, you cannot help. +Very enorm'! More big than San Peter in Rome. But not complete since +fourteenth century. In America you 'ave nothing unfinish, is it not?" + +"Far as that goes," said poppa, "we generally manage to complete our +contracts within the year; as a rule, I may say within the building +season. But I have seen one or two Roman Catholic churches left with the +scaffolding hanging round the ceiling for a good deal longer, the altar +all fixed up too, and public worship going on just as usual. It seems to +be a way they have. Well, sir, I knew Bologna, by reputation, better +than any other Italian city, for years. Your local manufacture did the +business. As a boy at school, there was nothing I was more fond of for +my dinner. Thirty years ago, sir, the interest was created that brings +me here to-day." + +The commercial traveller bowed with much gratification. In the meantime +he had presented a card to momma, which informed her that Ricardo +Bellini represented the firm of Isapetti and Co., Milan, Artificial +Flowers and Lace. + +"Thirty years, that is a long time to remember Bologna, I cannot say +that thirty years I remember New York. You will not believe!" He was +obviously not more than twenty-five, so this was vastly humorous. +"Twenty years, yes, twenty years I will say! And have you seen San +Stefano? Seven churches in one! Also the most old. And having forty +Jerusalem martyrs." + +"Forty would go a long way in relics," the Senator observed with +discouragement, "but my remarks had reference to the Bologna sausage, +sir." + +"Sausage--ah! _mortadella_--yes they make here I believe." Mr. Bellini +held up his knife and fork to enable his plate to be changed and looked +darkly at the succeeding course. "But every Italian cannot like that +dish. I eat him never. You will not find in this hotel no." His manner +indicated a personal hostility to the Bologna sausage, but the Senator +did not seem to notice it. + +"You don't say so! Local consumption going off too, eh? Now how do you +explain that?" + +Mr. Bellini shrugged his shoulders. "It is much eat by the poor people. +They will always have that _mortadella_!" + +"That looks," said the Senator thoughtfully, "like the production of an +inferior article. But not necessarily, not necessarily, of course." + +"Bologna it is very _ecclesiastic_." Mr. Bellini addressed my other +parent, recovering a smile. "We have produced here six popes. It is the +fame of Bologna." + +"You seem to think a great deal of producing popes in Italy," momma +replied coldly. "I should consider it a terrible responsibility." + +"Now do you suppose," said poppa confidentially, "that the idea of +trichinosis had anything to do with slackening the demand?" + +Mr. Bellini threw his head back, and passionately replaced a section of +biscuit and cheese in the middle of his plate. + +"I know nossing, any more than you! Why you speak me always that Bologna +sausage! _Pazienza!_ What is it that sausage to make the agreeable +conversation!" + +"Sir," exclaimed the Senator with astonishment and equal heat, "you +don't seem to be aware of it, but at one time the Bologna sausage ruled +the world!" + +Mr. Bellini, however, could evidently not trust himself to discuss the +matter further. He rose precipitately with an outraged, impersonal bow, +and left the table, abandoning his biscuit and cheese, his half finished +bottle of Rudesheimer and the figs that were to follow, with the +indifference of a lofty nature. + +"I'm sorry I spoiled his dinner," said poppa with concern, "but if a +Bologna man can't talk about Bologna sausages, what can he talk about?" + +It made the Senator reticent, though, as to sausages of any kind, with +the other commercial traveller--the hotel was full of them, and we found +it very entertaining after the barren dining rooms of southern +Italy--with whom we breakfasted. He spoke to this one exclusively about +the architectural and historic features of the city, in a manner which +forbade any approach to gastronomic themes, and while the second +commercial traveller regarded him with great respect, it must be +confessed that the conversation languished. Dicky might have helped us +out, but Dicky was following his usual custom of having rooms in one +hotel and covering as many others as possible with his meals, in the +hope of an accidental meeting. This was excellent as a distraction for +his mind, but since it occasionally led him into three _déjeuners_ and +two dinners, rather bad, we feared, for other parts of him. He had +confided his design to me; he intended, on meeting Isabel's eye, to turn +very pale, abruptly terminate his repast, ask for his hat and stick, and +walk out with conspicuous agitation. As to the course he meant to pursue +afterwards he was vague; the great thing was to make an impression upon +Isabel. We differed about the nature of the impression. Dicky took it +for granted that she would be profoundly affected, but he made no +allowance for the way in which maternal vigilance like that of Mrs. +Portheris can discourage the imagination. + +Poppa made two further attempts to inform himself upon the leading +manufacturing interest of Bologna. He inquired of the _padrone_, who was +pleased to hear that Bologna had a leading manufacturing interest, and +when my parent asked where he could see the process, pointed out several +shops in the Piazza Maggiore. One of these the Senator visited, +note-book in hand, and was shown with great alacrity every variety of +_mortadella_, from delicacies the size of a finger to mottled +conceptions as thick as a small barrel. He found a difficulty in +explaining, however, even with an Italian phrase book, that it was the +manufacture only about which he was curious, and that, admirable as the +result might be, he did not wish to buy any of it. When the latter fact +finally made itself plain, the proprietor became truculent and gave us, +although he spoke no English, so vivid an idea of the inconsistency of +our presence in his premises, that we retired in all the irritation of +the well-meaning and misunderstood. The Senator, however, who had +absolute confidence in his phrase book, saw a deeper significance in the +remarkable unwillingness of the people of Bologna to expatiate upon the +feature which had given them fame. "The fact is," said he gloomily, +restoring his note-book to his inside pocket as we entered the +terra-cotta doorway of St. Catarina, "they're not anxious to let a +stranger into the know of it." And this conviction remaining with him, +still inspires the Senator with a contemptuous pity for the porcine +methods of a people who refuse to submit them to the light of day and +the observation of the world at large. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +So far, momma said she had every reason to be pleased with the effect on +her mind. About the Senator's she would not commit herself, beyond +saying that we had a great deal to be thankful for in that his health +hadn't suffered, in spite of the indigestibility of that eternal French +twist and honey that you were obliged on the Continent to begin the day +with. She hoped, I think, that the Senator had absorbed other things +beside the French twist equally unconsciously, with beneficial results +that would appear later. He said himself that it was well worth +anybody's while to make the trip, if only in order to be better +satisfied with America for the rest of his life, but why people +belonging to the United States and the nineteenth century should want to +spend whole summers in the Middle Ages he failed to understand. Both my +parents, however, looked forward to Venice with enthusiasm. Momma +expected it to be the realization of all her dreams, and poppa decided +that it must, at all events, be unique. It couldn't have any Arno or any +Campagna in the nature of things--that would be a change--and it was not +possible to the human mind, however sophisticated, with a livelong +experience of street cars and herdics, to stroll up and take a seat in +a gondola and know exactly what would happen, where the fare-box was and +everything, and whether they took Swiss silver, and if a gentleman in a +crowded gondola was expected to give up his seat to a lady and stand. +Poppa, as a stranger and unaccustomed to the motion, hoped this would +not be the case, but I knew him well enough to predict that if it were +so he would vindicate American gallantry at all risks. + +Thus it was that, from the moment momma put her head out of the car +window, after Mestre, and exclaimed, "It's getting wateryer and +wateryer," Venice was a source of the completest joy and satisfaction to +both my parents. Dicky and I took it with the more moderate appreciation +natural to our years, but it gave us the greatest pleasure to watch the +simple and unrestrained delight of momma and poppa, and to revert, as it +were, in their experience, to what our own enjoyment might have been had +we been born when they were. "No express agents, no delivery carts, no +baggage checks," murmured poppa, as our trunks glided up to the hotel +steps, "but it gets there all the same." This was the keynote of his +admiration--everything got there all the same. The surprise of it was +repeated every time anything got there, and was only dashed once when we +saw brown-paper parcels being delivered by a boy at the back door of the +Palazzo Balbi, who had evidently walked all the way. The Senator +commented upon that boy and his groceries as an inconsistency, and +thereafter carefully closed his eyes to the fact that even our own +hotel, which faced upon the Grand Canal, had communications to the rear +by which its guests could explore a large part of commercial Venice +without going in a gondola at all. The canals were the only highways he +would recognise, and he went three times to St. Maria della Salute, +which was immediately opposite, for the sake of crossing the street in +the Venetian way. Momma became really hopeful about the stimulus to his +imagination; she told him so. "It appeals to you, Alexander," she said. +"Its poetry comes home to you--you needn't deny it;" and poppa cordially +admitted it. "Yes," he said, "Ruskin, according to the guide-book, +doesn't seem as if he could say too much about this city, and Bramley +was just the same. They're both right, and if we were going to be here +long enough I'd be like that myself. There's something about it that +makes you willing to take a lot of trouble to describe it. There's no +use saying it's the canals, or the reflections in the water, or the +bridges, or the pigeons, or the gargoyles, or the gondolas----" + +"Or Salviati, or Jesurum," said momma, in lighter vein. + +"Your memory, Augusta, for the names of old masters is perfectly +wonderful," continued poppa placidly. "Or Salviati, or Jesurum, or what. +But there's a kind of local spell about this place----" + +"There are various kinds of local smells," interrupted Dicky, whom Mrs. +Portheris still evaded, but this levity received no encouragement from +the Senator. He said instead that he hadn't noticed them himself. For +his part he had come to Venice to use his eyes, not his nose; and Dicky, +thus discouraged, faded visibly upon his stem. + +I could see that poppa was still strongly under the influence of the +Venetian sentiment when he invited me to go out in a gondola with him +after dinner, and pointedly neglected to suggest that either momma or +Dicky should come too. I had a presentiment of his intention. If I have +seemed, thus far, to omit all reference to Mr. Page in Boston, since we +left Paris, it is, first, because I believe it is not considered +necessary in a book of travels to account for every half hour, and +second, because I privately believed him to be in correspondence with +the Senator the whole time, and hesitated to expose his duplicity. I had +given poppa opportunities for confessing this clandestine business, but +in his paternal wisdom he had not taken them. I was not prepared, +therefore, to be very responsive when, from a mere desire to indulge his +sense of the fitness of things, poppa endeavoured to probe my sentiments +with regard to Mr. Page by moonlight on the Grand Canal. To begin with, +I wasn't sure of them--so much depended upon what Arthur had been doing; +and besides, I felt that the perfect confidence which should exist +between father and daughter had already been a good deal damaged at the +paternal end. So when poppa said that it must seem to me like a dream, +so much had happened since the day momma and I left Chicago at +twenty-four hours' notice, six weeks ago, I said no, for my part I had +felt pretty wide awake all the time; a person had to be, I ventured to +add, with no more time to waste upon Southern Europe than we had. + +"You mean you've been sleeping pretty badly," said the Senator +sympathetically. + +"Where was it," I inquired, "you would give us pounded crabs and cream +for supper after we'd been to hear masses for the repose of somebody's +soul? That was a bad night, but I don't think I've had any others. On +the contrary." + +"Oh, well," said poppa, "it's a good thing it isn't undermining your +constitution," but he looked as if it were rather a disappointment. + +"The American constitution can stand a lot of transportation," I +remarked. "Railways live on that fact. I've heard you say so yourself, +Senator." + +Then there was an interval during which the oars of the gondoliers +dipped musically, and the moon made a golden pathway to the marble steps +of the Palazzo Contarina. Then poppa said, "I refer to the object of our +tour." + +"The object of our tour wasn't to undermine my constitution," I replied. +"It was to write a book--don't you remember. But it's some time since +you made any suggestions. If you don't look out, the author of that +volume will practically be momma." + +The Senator allowed himself to be diverted. "I think," he said, "you'd +better leave the chapter on Venice to me; you can't just talk anyhow +about this city. I'll write it one of these nights before I go to bed." + +"But the main reason," he continued, "that sent us to glide this minute +over the canal system of the Bride of the Adriatic was the necessity of +bracing you up after what you'd been through." + +"Well," I said, "it's been very successful. I'm all braced up. I'm glad +we have had such a good excuse for coming." A fib is sometimes necessary +to one's self-respect. + +"_Premé!_" cried the gondolier, and we shaved past the gondola of a +solitary gentleman just leaving the steps of the Hotel Britannia. + +"That was a shave!" poppa exclaimed, and added somewhat inconsequently, +"You might just as well not speak so loud." + +"I've always liked Arty," he continued, as we glided on. + +"So have I," I returned cordially. + +"He's in many ways a lovely fellow," said poppa. + +"I guess he is," said I. + +"I don't believe," ventured my parent, "that his matrimonial ideas have +cooled down any." + +"I hope he may marry well," I said. "Has he decided on Frankie Turner?" + +"He has come to no decision that you don't know about. Of course, I have +no desire to interfere where it isn't any of my business, but if you +wish to gratify your poppa, daughter, you will obey him in this matter, +and permit Arthur once more to--to come round evenings as he used to. He +is a young man of moderate income, but a very level head, and it is the +wish of my heart to see you reconciled." + +"Sorry I can't oblige you, poppa," I said. I certainly was not going to +have any reconciliation effected by poppa. + +"You'd better just consider it, daughter. I don't want to interfere--but +you know my desire, my command." + +"Senator," said I, "you don't seem to realise that it takes more than a +gondola to make a paternal Doge. I've got to ask you to remember that I +was born in Chicago. And it's my bed time. Gondolier! _Albergo! Andate +presto!_" + +"He seems to understand you," said poppa meekly. + +So we dropped Arthur--dropped him, so to speak, into the Grand Canal, +and I really felt callous at the time as to whether he should ever come +up again. + +But the Senator's joy in Venice found other means of expressing itself. +One was an active and disinterested appeal to the gondoliers to be a +little less modern in their costume. He approached this subject through +the guide with every gondolier in turn, and the smiling impassiveness +with which his suggestions were received still causes him wonder and +disgust. "I presume," he remonstrated, "you think you earn your living +because tourists have got to get from the Accademia to St. Mark's, and +from St. Mark's to the Bridge of Sighs, but that's only a quarter of the +reason. The other three-quarters is because they like to be rowed there +in gondolas by the gondoliers they've read about, and the gondoliers +they've read about wore proper gondoliering clothes--they didn't look +like East River loafers." + +"They are poor men, these _gondolieri_," remarked the guide. "They +cannot afford." + +"I am not an infant, my friend. I'm a business man from Chicago. It's a +business proposition. Put your gondoliers into the styles they wore when +Andrea Dandolo went looting Constantinople, and you'll double your +tourist traffic in five years. Twice as many people wanting gondolas, +wanting guides, wanting hotel accommodation, buying your coloured glass +and lace flounces--why, Great Scott! it would pay the city to do the +thing at the public expense. Then you could pass a by-law forbidding +gondoliering to be done in any style later than the fifteenth century. +Pay you over and over again." + +Poppa was in earnest, he wanted it done. He was only dissuaded from +taking more active measures to make his idea public by the fact that he +couldn't stay to put it through. He was told, of course, how the plain +black gondola came to be enforced through the extravagance of the nobles +who ruined themselves to have splendid ones, and how the Venetians +scrupled to depart from a historic mandate, but he considered this a +feeble argument, probably perpetuated by somebody who enjoyed a monopoly +in supplying Venice with black paint. "Circumstances alter cases," he +declared. "If that old Doge knew that the P. and O. was going to run +direct between Venice and Bombay every fortnight this year, he'd tell +you to turn out your gondolas silver-gilt!" + +Nevertheless, as I say, the Senator's views were coldly received, with +one exception. A highly picturesque and intelligent gondolier, whom the +guide sought to convert to a sense of the anachronism of his clothes in +connection with his calling, promised that if we would give him a +definite engagement for next day, he would appear suitably clad. The +following morning he awaited us with honest pride in his Sunday apparel, +which included violently checked trousers, a hard felt hat, and a large +pink tie. The Senator paid him hurriedly and handsomely and dismissed +him with as little injury to his feelings as was possible under the +circumstances. "Tell him," said poppa to the guide, "to go home and take +off those pants. And tell him, do you understand, to _rush_!" + +That same day, in the afternoon, I remember, when we were disembarking +for an ice at Florian's, momma directed our attention to two gentlemen +in an approaching gondola. "There's something about that man," she said +impressively, "I mean the one in the duster, that belongs to the reign +of Louis Philippe." + +"There is," I responded; "we saw him last in the Petit Trianon. It's +Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson. Two more Transatlantic fellow-travellers. +Senator, when we meet them shall we greet them?" + +The Senator had a moment of self-expostulation. + +"Well, no," he said, "I guess not. I don't suppose we need feel obliged +to keep up the acquaintance of _every_ American we come across in +Europe. It would take us all our time. But I'd like to ask him what use +he finds for a duster in Venice." + +"How I wish the Misses Bingham could hear you," I thought, but one +should never annoy one's parents unnecessarily, so I kept my reflections +to myself. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +That last day in Venice we went, I remember, to the Lido. Nothing +happened, but I don't like leaving it out, because it was the last day, +and the next best thing to lingering in Venice is lingering on it. We +went in a steamboat, under protest from poppa, who said it might as well +be Coney Island until we got there, when he admitted points of +difference, and agreed that if people had to come all the way out in +gondolas, certain existing enterprises might as well go out of business. +The steamer was full of Venetians, and we saw that they were charming, +though momma wishes it to be understood that the modern Portia wears her +bodice cut rather too low in the neck and gazes much too softly at the +modern Bassanio. Poppa and I thought it mere amiability that scorned to +conceal itself, but momma referred to it otherwise, admitting, however, +that she found it fascinating to watch. + +We seemed to disembark at a restaurant permanent among flowing waters, +so prominent was this feature of the island, but it had only a roof, and +presently we noticed a little grass and some bushes as well. The verdure +had quite a novel look, and we decided to discourage the casual person +who wished to sell us strange and uncertified shell fish from a basket +for immediate consumption, and follow it up. + +Dicky was of opinion that we might arrive at the vegetable gardens of +Venice, but in this we were disappointed. We came instead to a +street-car, and half a mile of arbour, and all the Venetians pleasurably +preparing to take carriage exercise. The horses seemed to like the idea +of giving it to them, they were quite light-hearted, one of them +actually pawed. They were the only horses in Venice, they felt their +dignity and their responsibility in a way foreign to animals in the +public service, anywhere else in the world. Personally we would have +preferred to walk to the other end of the arbour, but it would have +seemed a slight, and, as the Senator said, we weren't in Venice to hurt +anybody's feelings that belonged there. It would have been extravagant +too, since the steamboat ticket included the drive at the end. So we +struggled anxiously for good places, and proceeded to the other side +with much circumstance, enjoying ourselves as hard as possible. Dicky +said he never had such a good time; but that was because he had +exhausted Venice and his patience, and was going on to Verona next day. + +The arbour and the grass and the street-car track ended sharply and all +together at a raised wooden walk that led across the sand to a pavilion +hanging over the Adriatic, and here we sat and watched other Venetians +disporting themselves in the water below. They were glorious creatures, +and they disported themselves nobly, keeping so well in view of the +pavilion and such a steady eye upon the spectators that poppa had an +impulsive desire to feed them with macaroons. He decided not to; you +never could tell, he said, what might be considered a liberty by +foreigners; but he had a hard struggle with the temptation, the aquatic +accomplishments we saw were so deserving of reward. I had the misfortune +to lose a little pink rose overboard, as it were, and Dicky looked +seriously annoyed when an amphibious young Venetian caught it between +his lips. I don't know why; he was one of the most attractive on view, +but I have often noticed Turkish tendencies in Dicky where his +country-women are concerned. We came away almost immediately after, so +that rose will bloom in my memory, until I forget about it, among +romances that might have been. + +Strolling back, we bought a Venetian secret for a sou or two, a +beautiful little secret, I wonder who first found it out. A picturesque +and fishy smelling person in a soft felt hat sold it to us--a pair of +tiny dainty dried sea-horses, "_mère_" and "_père_" he called them. And +there, all in the curving poise of their little heads and the twist of +their little tails, was revealed half the art of Venice, and we saw how +the first glass worker came to be told to make a sea green dragon +climbing over an amber yellow bowl, and where the gondola borrowed its +grace. They moved us to unanimous enthusiasm, and we utterly refused to +let Dicky put one in his button-hole. + +It is looking back upon Venice, too, that I see the paternal figure of +the Senator nourishing the people with octopuses. This may seem +improbable, but it is strictly true. They were small octopuses, not +nearly large enough to kill anybody while they were alive, though boiled +and pickled they looked very deadly. Pink in colour, they stood in a +barrel near the entrance, I remember, of Jesurum's, and attracted the +Senator's inquiring eye. When the guide said they were for human +consumption poppa looked at him suspiciously and offered him one. He ate +it with a promptness and artistic despatch that fascinated us all, +gathering it up by its limp long legs and taking bites out of it, as if +it were an apple. A one-eyed man who hooked pausing gondolas up to the +slippery steps offered to show how it should be done, and other +performers, all skilled, seemed to rise from the stones of the pavement. +Poppa invited them all, by pantomime, to walk up and have an octopus, +and when the crowd began to gather from the side alleys, and the +enthusiasm grew too promiscuous, he bought the barrel outright and +watched the carnival from the middle of the canal. He often speaks of +his enjoyment of the Venetian octopus, eaten in cold blood, without +pepper, salt, or vinegar; and the effect, when I am not there, is +awe-stricken. + +Next morning we took a gondola for the station, and slipped through the +gold and opal silence of the dawn on the canals away from Venice. No +one was up but the sun, who did as he liked with the façades and the +bridges in the water, and made strange lovelinesses in narrow darkling +places, and showed us things in the _calli_ that we did not know were in +the world. The Senator was really depressing until he gradually +lightened his spirits by working out a scheme for a direct line of +steamships between Venice and New York, to be based on an agreement with +the Venetian municipality as to garments of legitimate gaiety for the +gondoliers, the re-nomination of an annual Doge, who should be compelled +to wear his robes whenever he went out of doors, and the yearly +resurrection of the ancient ceremony of marrying Venice to the Adriatic, +during the months of July and August, when the tide of tourist traffic +sets across the Atlantic. "We should get every school ma'am in the +Union, to begin with," said poppa confidently, and by the time we +reached Verona he had floated the company, launched the first ship, +arrived in Venice with full orchestral accompaniment, and dined the +imitation Doge--if he couldn't get Umberto and Crispi--upon clam chowder +and canvas-backs to the solemn strains of Hail Columbia played up and +down the Grand Canal. "If it _could_ be worked," said poppa as we +descended upon the platform, "I'd like to have the Pope telephone us a +blessing on the banquet." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +It was the middle of the afternoon, and momma, having spent the morning +among the tombs of the Scaligeri, was lying down. The Scaligeri somehow +had got on her nerves; there were so many of them, and the panoply of +their individual bones was so imposing. + +"Daughter," she had said to me on the way back to the hotel, "if you +point out another thing to me I'll slap you." In that frame of mind it +was always best to let momma lie down. The Senator had letters to write; +I think he wanted to communicate his Venetian steamship idea to a man in +Minneapolis. Dicky had already been round to the Hotel di Londres--we +were at the Colomba--and had found nothing, so when he asked me to come +out for a walk I prepared to be steeped in despondency. An unsuccessful +love affair is a severe test of friendship; but I went. + +It was as I expected. Having secured a spectator to wreak his gloom +upon, Mr. Dod proceeded to make the most of the opportunity. He put his +hat on recklessly, and thrust his hands into his pa--his trouser +pockets. We were in a strange town, but he fastened his eyes moodily +upon the pavement, as if nothing else were worth considering. As we +strolled into the Piazza Bra, I saw him gradually and furtively turn up +his coat-collar, at which I felt obliged to protest. + +"Look here, Dicky," I said, "unrequited affection is, doubtless, very +trying, but you're too much of an advertisement. The Veronese are +beginning to stare at you; their sorcerers will presently follow you +about with their patent philters. Reform your personal appearance, or +here, at the foot of this statue of Victor Emmanuel, I leave you to your +fate." + +Dicky reformed it, but with an air of patience under persecution which I +found hard to bear. "I don't know your authority for calling it +unrequited," he said, with dignity. + +"All right--undelivered," I replied. "That is a noble statue--you can't +contradict the guide-book. By Borghi." + +"Victor Emmanuel, is it? Then it isn't Garibaldi. You don't have to +travel much in Italy to know it's got to be either one or the other. +What they _like_ is to have both," said Mr. Dod, with unnecessary +bitterness. "I'd enjoy something fresh in statues myself." Then, with an +imperfectly-concealed alertness, "There seems to be something going on +over there," he added. + +We could see nothing but an arched door in a high, curving wall, and a +stream of people trickling in. "Probably only one of their eternal Latin +church services," continued Dicky. "It's about the only form of public +entertainment you can depend on in this country. But we might as well +have a look in." He went on to say, as we crossed the dusty road, that +my unsympathetic attitude was enough to drive anybody to the Church of +Rome, even in the middle of the afternoon. + +But we perceived at once that it was not the Church of Rome, or any +other church. There was more than one arched entrance, and a man in +each, to whom people paid a lira apiece for admission, and when we +followed them in we found our feet still upon the ground, and ourselves +among a forest of solid buttresses and props. The number XV. was cut +deep over the door we came in by, and the props had the air of centuries +of patience. A wave of sound seemed to sweep round in a circle inside +and spend itself about us, of faint multitudinous clappings. Conviction +descended upon us suddenly, and as we stumbled after the others we +shared one classic moment of anticipation, hurrying and curious in 1895 +as the Romans hurried and were curious in 110, a little late for the +show in the Arena. They were all there before us, they had taken the +best places, and sat, as we emerged in our astonishment, tier above tier +to the row where the wall stopped and the sky began, intent, +enthusiastic. The wall threw a new moon of shadow on the west, and there +the sun struck down sharply and made splendid the dyes in the women's +clothes, and turned the Italian soldiers' buttons into flaming jewels. +And again, as we stared, the applause went round and up, from the yellow +sand below to the blue sky above, and when we looked bewildered down +into the Arena for the victorious gladiator, and saw a tumbling clown +with a painted face instead, the illusion was only half destroyed. We +climbed and struggled for better places, treading, I fear, in our +absorption on a great many Veronese toes. Dicky said when we got them +that you had to remember that the seats were Roman in order to +appreciate them, they were such very cold stone, and they sloped from +back to front, for the purpose, as we found out afterward from the +guide-book, of letting off the rain water. We were glad to understand +it, but Dicky declared that no explanation would induce him to take a +season ticket for the Arena, it was too destitute of modern +improvements. It was something, though, to sit there watching, with the +ranged multitude, a show in a Roman Amphitheatre--one could imagine +things, lictors and ædiles, senators and centurions. It only required +the substitution of togas and girdled robes for trousers and petticoats, +and a purple awning for the emperor, and a brass-plated body-guard with +long spears and hairy arms and legs, and a few details like that. If one +half closed one's eyes it was hardly necessary to imagine. I was half +closing my eyes, and wondering whether they had Vestal Virgins at this +particular amphitheatre, and trying to remember whether they would turn +their thumbs up or down when they wished the clown to be destroyed, when +Dicky grew suddenly pale and sprang to his feet. + +"I was afraid it might give one a chill," I said, "but it is very +picturesque. I suppose the ancient Romans brought cushions." + +Mr. Dod did not appear to hear me. + +"In the third row below," he exclaimed, blushing joyfully, "the sixth +from this end--do you see? Yellow bun under a floral hat--Isabel!" + +"A yellow bun under a floral hat," I repeated, "that would be Isabel, if +you add a good complexion and a look of deportment. Yes, now I see her. +Mrs. Portheris on one side, Mr. Mafferton on the other. What do you want +to do?" + +"Assassinate Mafferton," said Dicky. "Does it look to you as if he had +been getting there at all." + +"So far as one can see from behind, I should say he has made some +progress, but I don't think, Dicky, that he has arrived. He is +constitutionally slow," I added, "about arriving." + +At that moment the party rose. Without a word we, too, got on our feet +and automatically followed, Dicky treading the reserved seats of the +court of Berengarius as if they had been the back rows of a Bowery +theatre. The classics were wholly obscured for him by a floral hat and a +yellow bun. I, too, abandoned my speculations cheerfully, for I expected +Mrs. Portheris, confronted with Dicky, to be more entertaining than any +gladiator. + +We came up with them at the exit, and that august lady, as we +approached, to our astonishment, greeted us with effusion. + +[Illustration: "Do you see?"] + +"We thought," she declared, "that we had lost you altogether. This is +quite delightful. Now we _must_ reunite!" Dicky was certainly included. +It was extraordinary. "And your dear father and mother," went on Mrs. +Portheris, "I am longing to hear their experiences since we parted. +Where are you? The Colomba? Why what a coincidence! We are there, too! +How small the world is!" + +"Then you have only just arrived," said Mr. Dod to Miss Portheris, who +had turned away her head, and was regarding the distant mountains. + +"Yes." + +"By the 11.30 p.m.?" + +"No. By the 2.30 p.m." + +"Had you a pleasant journey up from Naples?" + +"It was rather dusty." + +I saw that something quite awful was going on and conversed volubly with +Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton to give Dicky a chance, but in a moment +I, too, felt a refrigerating influence proceeding from the floral hat +and the bun for which I could not account. + +"Where have you been?" inquired Dicky, "if I may ask." + +"At Vallombrosa." + +There was also a parasol and it twisted indifferently. + +"Ah--among the leaves! And were they as thick as William says they are?" + +"I don't understand you." And, indeed, this levity assorted +incomprehensively with the black despair that sat on Dicky's +countenance. It was really very painful in spite of Mrs. Portheris's +unusual humanity and Mr. Mafferton's obvious though embarrassed joy, and +as Mrs. Portheris's cab drove up at the moment I made a tentative +attempt to bring the interview to a close. "Mr. Dod and I are walking," +I said. + +"Ah, these little strolls!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris, with benignant +humour. "I suppose we must condone them now!" and she waved her hand, +rolling away, as if she gave us a British matron's blessing. + +"Oh, don't!" I cried. "Don't condone them--you mustn't!" But my words +fell short in a cloud of dust, and even Dicky, wrapped in his tragedy, +failed to receive an impression from them. + +"How," he demanded passionately, "do you account for it?" + +"Account for what?" I shuffled. + +"The size of her head--the frost--the whole bally conversation!" +propounded Dicky, with tears in his eyes. + +I have really a great deal of feeling, and I did not rebuke these terms. +Besides, I could see only one way out of it, and I was occupied with the +best terms in which to present it to Dicky. So I said I didn't know, and +reflected. + +"She isn't the same girl!" he groaned. + +"Men are always talking in the funny columns of the newspapers," I +remarked absently, "about how much better they can throw a stone and +sharpen a pencil than we can." + +Mr. Dod looked injured. "Oh, well," he said, "if you prefer to talk +about something else----" + +"But they can't see into a sentimental situation any further than into a +board fence," I continued serenely. "My dear Dick, Isabel thinks you're +engaged. So does her mamma. So does Mr. Mafferton." + +"Who to?" exclaimed Mr. Dod, in ungrammatical amazement. + +"I looked at him reproachfully. Don't be such an owl!" I said. + +Light streamed in upon Dicky's mind. "To you!" he exclaimed. "Great +Scott!" + +"Preposterous, isn't it?" I said. + +"I should ejaculate! Well, no, I mean--I shouldn't ejaculate, but--oh, +you know what I mean----" + +"I do," I said. "Don't apologise." + +"What in my aunt's wardrobe do they think that for?" + +"You left their party and joined ours rather abruptly at Pompeii," I +said. + +"Had to!" + +"Isabel didn't know you had to. If she tried to find out, I fancy she +was told little girls shouldn't ask questions. It was Lot's wife who +really came between you, but Isabel wouldn't have been jealous of Lot's +wife." + +"I suppose not," said Dicky doubtfully. + +"Do you remember meeting the Misses Bingham in the Ufizzi? and telling +them you were going to be----" + +"That's so." + +"You didn't give them enough details. And they told me they were going +to Vallombrosa. And when Miss Cora said good-bye to me she told me you +were a dear or something." + +"Why didn't you say I wasn't?" + +"Dicky, if you are going to assume that it was my fault----" + +"Only one decent hotel--hardly anybody in it--foregathered with old lady +Portheris--told every mortal thing they knew! Oh," groaned Dicky. "Why +was an old maid ever born!" + +"She never was," I couldn't help saying, but I might as well not have +said it. Dicky was rapidly formulating his plan of action. + +"I'll tell her straight out, after dinner," he concluded, "and her +mother, too, if I get a chance." + +"Do you know what will happen?" I asked. + +"You never know what will happen," replied Dicky, blushing. + +"Mrs. and Miss Portheris and Mr. Mafferton will leave the Hotel Colomba +for parts unknown, by the earliest train to-morrow morning." + +"But Mrs. Portheris declares that we're to be a happy family for the +rest of the trip." + +"Under the impression that you are disposed of, an impression that +_might_ be allowed to----" + +"My heart," said Dicky impulsively, "may be otherwise engaged, but my +alleged mind is yours for ever. Mamie, you have a great head." + +"Thanks," I said. "I would certainly tell the truth to Isabel, as a +secret, but----" + +"Mamie, we cut our teeth on the same----" + +"Horrid of you to refer to it." + +"It's such a tremendous favour!" + +"It is." + +"But since you're in it, you know, already--and it's so very +temporary--and I'll be as good as gold----" + +"You'd better!" I exclaimed. And so it was settled that the fiction of +Dicky's and my engagement should be permitted to continue to any extent +that seemed necessary until Mr. Dod should be able to persuade Miss +Portheris to fly with him across the Channel and be married at a Dover +registry office. We arranged everything with great precision, and, if +necessary, I was to fly too, to make it a little more proper. We were +both somewhat doubtful about the necessity of a bridesmaid in a registry +office, but we agreed that such a thing would go a long way towards +persuading Isabel to enter it. + +When we arrived at the hotel we found Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton +affectionately having tea with my parents. Isabel had gone to bed with a +headache, but Dicky, notwithstanding, displayed the most unfeeling +spirits. He drove us all finally to see the tomb of Juliet in the Vicolo +Franceschini, and it was before that uninspiring stone trough full of +visiting cards, behind a bowling green of suburban patronage, that I +heard him, on general grounds of expediency, make contrite advances to +Mrs. Portheris. + +"I think I ought to tell you," he said, "that my views have undergone a +change since I saw you." + +Mrs. Portheris fixed her _pince nez_ upon him in suspicious inquiry. + +"I can even swallow the whale now," he faltered, "like Jonah." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +After two days of the most humid civility Mrs. Portheris had brought +momma round. It was not an easy process, momma had such a way of fanning +herself and regarding distant objects; and Dicky and I observed its +difficulties with great satisfaction, for a family matter would be the +last thing anybody would venture to discuss with momma under such +circumstances, and we very much preferred that Mrs. Portheris's +overflowing congratulations should be chilled off as long as possible. +Dicky was for taking my parents into our confidence as a measure of +preparation, but with poppa's commands upon me with regard to Arthur, I +felt a delicacy as to the subject of engagements generally. Besides, one +never can tell whether one's poppa and momma would back one up in a +thing like that. + +I never could quite understand Mrs. Portheris's increasingly good +opinion of us at this point. The Senator declared that it was because +some American shares of hers had gone up in the market, but that struck +momma and me as somewhat too general in its application. I preferred to +attribute it to the Senator's Tariff Bill. Mr. Mafferton brought us the +_Times_ one evening in Verona, and pointed out with solemn +congratulation that the name of J.P. Wick was mentioned four times in +the course of its leading article. That journal even said in effect +that, if it were not for the faithfully sustained anti-humorous +character which had established it for so many generations in the +approbation of the British public, it would go so far as to call the +contemplated measure "Wicked legislation." Mr. Mafferton could not +understand why poppa had no desire to cut out the article. He said there +was something so interesting about seeing one's name in print--he always +did it. I was very curious to see instances of Mr. Mafferton's name in +print, and finally induced him to show them to me. They were mainly +advertisements for lost dogs--"Apply to the Hon. Charles Mafferton," and +the reward was very considerable. + +But this has nothing to do with the way the plot thickened on the Lake +of Como. I was watching Bellagio slip past among the trees on the left +shore and wondering whether we could hear the nightingales if it were +not for the steamer's engines--which was particularly unlikely as it was +the middle of the afternoon--and thinking about the trifles that would +sometimes divide lives plainly intended to mingle. Mere enunciation, for +example, was a thing one could so soon become reaccustomed to; already +momma had ceased to congratulate me on my broad a's, and I could not +help the inference that my conversation was again unobtrusively +Chicagoan. It was frustrating, too, that I had no way of finding out +how much poppa knew, and extremely irritating to think that he knew +anything. He was sitting near me as I mused, immersed in the American +mail, while momma and his Aunt Caroline insensibly glided towards +intimacy again on two wicker chairs close by. Mr. Mafferton was counting +the luggage somewhere; he was never happy on a steamer until he had done +that; and Isabel was being fervently apologised to by Dicky on the other +side of the deck. I hoped she was taking it in the proper spirit. I had +the terms all ready in which _I_ should accept an apology, if it were +ever offered to me. + +[Illustration: Fervent apologies.] + +"Now, I must not put off any longer telling you how delighted I am at +your dear Mamie's re-engagement." + +The statement reached us all, though it was intended for momma only. +Even Mrs. Portheris's more amiable accents had a quality which +penetrated far, with a suggestion of whiskers. I looked again languidly +at Bellagio, but not until I had observed a rapid glance between my +parents, recommending each other not to be taken by surprise. + +"Has she confided in you?" inquired momma. + +"No--no. I heard it in a roundabout way. You must be very pleased, dear +Augusta. Such an advantage that they have known each other all their +lives!" + +Poppa looked guardedly round at me, but by this time I was asleep in my +camp chair, the air was so balmily cool after our hot rattle to Como. + +"How _did_ you hear?" he demanded, coming straight to the point, while +momma struggled after tentative uncertainties. + +"Oh, a little bird, a little bird--who had it from them both! And much +better, I said when I heard it, that she should marry one of her own +country-people. American girls nowadays will so often be content with +nothing less than an Englishman!" + +"So far as that goes," said the Senator crisply, "we never buy anything +we haven't a use for, simply because it's cheap. But I don't mind +telling you that my daughter's re-engagement, on the old American lines, +is a thing I've been wanting to happen for some time." + +"And there are some really excellent points about Mr. Dod. We must +remember that he is still very young. He has plenty of time to repair +his fortunes. Of one thing we may be sure," continued Mrs. Portheris +magnanimously, "he will make her a very _kind_ husband." + +At this I opened my eyes inadvertently--nobody could help it--and saw +the barometrical change in poppa's countenance. It went down twenty +degrees with a run, and wore all the disgust of an hon. gentleman who +has jumped to conclusions and found nothing to stand on. + +"Oh, you're away off there, Aunt Caroline," he said with some annoyance. +"Better sell your little bird and buy a telephone. Richard Dod is no +more engaged to our daughter than the man in the moon." + +"Well, I should say not!" exclaimed momma. + +"I have it on the _best_ authority," insisted Mrs. Portheris blandly. +"You American parents are so seldom consulted in these matters. Perhaps +the young people have not told you." + +This was a nasty one for both the family and the Republic, and I heard +the Senator's rejoinder with satisfaction. + +"We don't consider, in the United States, that we're the natural bullies +of our children because we happen to be a little older than they are," +he said, "but for all that we're not in the habit of hearing much news +about them from outsiders. I'll have to get you to promise not to go +spreading such nonsense around, Aunt Caroline." + +"Oh, of course, if you say so, but I should be better satisfied if she +denied it herself," said Mrs. Portheris with suavity. "My information +was so very exact." + +I had slumbered again, but it did not avail me. I heard the American +mail dispersing itself about the deck in all directions as the Senator +rose, strode towards my chair, and shook me much more vigorously than +there was any necessity for. + +"Here's Aunt Caroline," he said, "wanting us to believe that you and +Dicky Dod are engaged--you two that have quarrelled as naturally as +brother and sister ever since you were born. I guess you can tell her +whether it's very likely!" + +I yawned, to gain time, but the widest yawn will not cover more than two +seconds. + +"What an extraordinary question!" I said. It sounds weak, but that was +the way one felt. + +"Don't prevaricate, Mamie, love," said Mrs. Portheris sternly. + +"I'm not--I don't. But n-nothing of the kind is announced, is it?" I was +growing nervous under the Senatorial eye. + +"Nothing of the kind _exists_," said poppa, the Doge all over, except +his umbrella. "Does it?" + +"Why no," I said. "Dicky and I aren't engaged. But we have an +understanding." + +I was extremely sorry. Mrs. Portheris was so triumphant, and poppa +allowed his irritation to get so much the better of him. + +"Oh," he said, "you've got an understanding! Well, you've been too +intelligent, darned if you haven't!" The Senator pulled his beard in his +most uncompromising manner. "Now you can understand something more. I'm +not going to have it. You haven't got my consent and you're not going to +get it." + +"But, my dear nephew, the match is so suitable in every respect! Surely +you would not stand in the way of a daughter's happiness when both +character and position--position in Chicago, of course, but still--are +assured!" + +Poppa paused, uncertain for an instant whether to turn his wrath upon +his aunt, and that, of course, was my opportunity to plead with my angry +parent. But the knowledge that the hopes which poppa was reducing to +dust and ashes were fervently fixed on a floral hat and a yellow bun +over which he had no control, on the other side of the ship, overcame +me, and I looked at Bellagio to hide my emotions instead, in a way which +they might interpret as obstinate, if they liked. + +"Aunt Caroline," said the Senator firmly, "I'll thank you to keep your +spoon out of the preserves. My daughter knows where I have given her +hand, and that's the direction she's going with her feet. Mary, I may as +well inform you that the details of your wedding are being arranged in +Chicago this minute. It will take place within three weeks of our +arrival, and it won't be any slump. But Richard Dod might as well be +told right now that he won't be in it, unless in the capacity of usher. +As I don't contemplate breaking up this party and making things +disagreeable all round, you'll have to tell him yourself. We sail from +Liverpool"--poppa looked at his watch--"precisely one week and four +hours from now, and if Mr. Dod has not agreed to the conditions I +mention by that time we will leave him upon the shore. That's all I have +to say, and between now and then I don't expect you or anybody else to +have the nerve to mention the matter to me again." + +After that it was impossible to wink at poppa, or in any way to give him +the assurance that my regard for him was unimpaired. There are things +that can't be passed over with a smile in one's poppa without doing him +harm, and this was one of them. It was a regular manifesto, and I felt +exactly like Lord Salisbury. I couldn't take him seriously, and yet I +had to tell him to come on, if he wanted to, and devote his spare time +to learning the language of diplomacy. So I merely bowed with what +magnificence I could command and filed it, so to speak; and walked to +the other side of the deck, leaving poppa to his conscience and momma +and his Aunt Caroline. I left him with confidence, not knowing which +would give him the worst time. Mrs. Portheris began it, before I was out +of earshot. "For an American parent," she said blandly, "it strikes me, +Joshua, that you are a little severe." + +I found Mr. Mafferton interfering, as I expected, with Dicky and Isabel +in their appreciation of the west shore. He was pointing out the Villa +Carlotta at Caddenabbia, and explaining the beauties of the sculptures +there and dwelling on the tone of blue in the immediate Alps and +reminding them that the elder Pliny once picked wild flowers on these +banks, and generally making himself the intelligent nuisance that nature +intended him to be. In spite of it Isabel was radiant. She said a number +of things with the greatest ease; one saw that language, after all, was +not difficult to her, she only wanted practice and an untroubled mind. I +looked at Dicky and saw that a weight had been removed from his, and it +was impossible to avoid the conclusion that peace and satisfaction in +this life would date for these two, if all went well for the next few +days, from the Lake of Como. But all could not be relied upon to go well +so long as Mr. Mafferton hovered, quoting Claudian on the mulberry tree, +upon the brink of a proposal, so I took him away to translate his +quotation for me in the stern, which naturally suggested the past and +its emotions. We could now refer quite sympathetically to the altogether +irretrievable and gone by, and Mr. Mafferton was able to mention Lady +Torquilan without any trace of his air that she was a person, poor dear, +that brought embarrassment with her. Indeed, I sometimes thought he +dragged her in. I asked him, in appropriate phrases, of course, whether +he had decided to accept Mrs. Portheris's daughter, and he fixed +mournful eyes upon me and said he thought he had, almost. The news of my +engagement to Mr. Dod had apparently done much to bring him to a +conclusion; he said it pointed so definitely to the unlikelihood of his +ever being able to find a more stimulating companion than Miss +Portheris, with all her charms, was likely to prove. It was difficult, +of course, to see the connection, but I could not help confiding to Mr. +Mafferton, as a secret, that there was hardly any chance of my union +with Dicky--after what poppa had said. When I assured him that I had no +intention whatever of disobeying my parent in a matter of which he was +so much better qualified to be a judge than I, it was impossible not to +see Mr. Mafferton's good opinion of me rising in his face. He said he +could not help sympathising with the paternal view, but that was all he +_would_ say; he refrained magnificently from abusing Dicky. And we +parted mutually more deeply convinced than ever of the undesirability of +doing anything rash in the all important direction we had been +discussing. + +As we disembarked at Colico to take the train for Chiavenna, Mrs. +Portheris, after seeing that Mr. Mafferton was collecting the +portmanteaux, gave me a word of comfort and of admonition. "Take my +advice, my child," she said, "and be faithful to poor dear Richard. Your +father must, in the end, give way. I shall keep at him in your +interests. When you left us this afternoon," continued the lady +mysteriously, "he immediately took out his fountain pen and wrote a +letter. It was directed--I saw that much--to a Mr. Arthur Page. Is he +the creature who is to be forced upon you, my child?" Mrs. Portheris in +the sentimental view was really affecting. + +"I think it very likely," I said calmly, "but I have promised to be +faithful to Richard, Mrs. Portheris, and I will." + +But I really felt a little nervous. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +The instant we saw the diligence momma declared that if she had to sit +anywhere but in the middle of it she would remain in Chiavenna until +next day. Mrs. Portheris was of the same mind. She said that even the +_intérieur_ would be dangerous enough going down hill, but if the +Senator would sit there too she would try not to be nervous. The _coupé_ +was terrifying--one saw everything the poor dear horses did--and as to +the _banquette_ she could imagine herself flying out of it, if we so +much as went over a stone. As a party we were strangers to the +diligence; we had all the curiosity and hesitation about it, as Dicky +remarked, of the animals when Noah introduced them to the Ark. I asked +Dicky to describe the diligence for the purpose of this volume, thinking +that it might, here and there, have a reader who had never seen one, and +he said that, as soon as he had made up his mind whether it was most +like a triumphal chariot in a circus procession or a boudoir car in an +ambulance, he would; but then his eyes wandered to Isabel, who was +pinker than ever in the mountain air, and his reasoning faculties left +him. A small German with a very red nose, most incoherent in his +apparel--he might have been a Baron or again a hair-dresser--already +occupied one of the seats in the _intérieur_, so after our elders had +been safely deposited beside him the _banquette_ and the _coupé_ were +left, as Mrs. Portheris said, to the adventurous young people. Dicky and +I had conspired, for the sustained effect on Mrs. Portheris, to sit in +the _banquette_, while Isabel was to suffer Mr. Mafferton in the +_coupé_--an arrangement which her mother viewed with entire complacency. +"After all," said Mrs. Portheris to momma, "we're not in Hyde Park--and +young people will be young people." We had not counted, however, with +the Senator, who suddenly realised, as Dicky was handing me up, that it +was his business, in the capacity of Doge, to interfere. It is to his +credit that he found it embarrassing, on account of his natural, almost +paternal, dislike to make things unpleasant for Dicky. He assumed a +sternly impenetrable expression, thought about it for a moment, and then +approached Mr. Mafferton. + +"I'd be obliged to you," he said, "if you could arrange, without putting +yourself out any, to change places with young Dod, there, as far as St. +Moritz. I have my reasons--but not necessarily for publication. See?" + +Mr. Mafferton's eye glistened with appreciation of the confidence +reposed in him. "I shall be most happy," he said, "if Dod doesn't mind." +But Dicky, with indecent haste, was already in the _coupé_. "Don't +mention it, Mafferton," he said out of the window. "I'm delighted--at +least--whatever the Senator says has got to be done, of course," and he +made an attempt to look hurt that would not have imposed upon anybody +but a self-constituted Doge with a guilty conscience. I took my +bereavement in stony calm, with possibly just a suggestion about my +eyebrows and under-lip that some day, on the far free shores of Lake +Michigan, a downtrodden daughter would re-assert herself; poppa +re-entered an _intérieur_ darkened by a thunder-cloud on the brow of his +Aunt Caroline; and we started. + +It was some time before Mr. Mafferton interfered in the least with the +Engadine. He seemed wrapped in a cloud of vain imaginings, sprung, +obviously, from poppa's ill-considered request. I understood his +emotions and carefully respected his silence. I was unwilling to be +instructed about the Engadine either botanically or geologically--it was +more agreeable not to know the names of the lovely little foreign +flowers, and quite pleasant enough that every turn in the road showed us +a white mountain or a purple one without having to understand what it +was made of. Besides, I particularly did not wish to precipitate +anything, and there are moments when a mere remark about the weather +will do it. I had been suffering a good deal from my conscience since +Mrs. Portheris had told me that poppa had written to Arthur--I didn't +mind him enduring unnumbered pangs of hope deferred, but it was quite +another thing that he should undergo the unnecessary martyrdom of +imagining that he had been superseded by Dicky Dod. On reflection, I +thought it would be safer to start Mr. Mafferton on the usual lines, and +I nerved myself to ask him whether he could tell me anything about the +prehistoric appearance of these lovely mountains. + +"I am glad," he responded absently, "that you admire my favourite Alps." +Nothing more. I tried to prick him to the consideration of the scenery +by asking him which were his favourite Alps, but this also came to +nothing. Having acknowledged his approval of the Alps, he seemed willing +to let them go unadorned by either fact or fancy. I offered him +sandwiches, but he seemed to prefer his moustache. Presently he roused +himself. + +"I'm afraid you must think me very uninteresting, Miss Wick," he said. + +"Dear me, no," I replied. "On the contrary, I think you are a lovely +type." + +"Type of an Englishman?" Mr. Mafferton was not displeased. + +"Type of some Englishmen. You would not care to represent the--ah, +commercial classes?" + +"If I had been born in that station," replied Mr. Mafferton modestly, "I +should be very glad to represent them. But I should _not_ care to be a +Labour candidate." + +"It wouldn't be very appropriate, would it?" I suggested. "But do you +ever mean to run for anything, really?" + +"Certainly not," Mr. Mafferton replied, with slight resentment. "In our +family we never run. But, of course, I will succeed my uncle in the +Upper House." + +"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "So you will! I should think it would be simply +lovely to be born a legislator. In our country it is attained by such +painful degrees." It flashed upon me in a moment why Mr. Mafferton was +so industrious in collecting general information. He was storing it up +against the day when he would be able to make speeches, which nobody +could interrupt, in the House of Lords. + +The conversation flagged again, and I was driven to comment upon the +appearance of the little German down in the _intérieur_. It was quite +remarkable, apart from the bloom on his nose, his pale-blue eyes +wandered so irresponsibly in their sockets, and his scanty, flaxen beard +made such an unsuccessful effort to disguise the amiability of his chin. +He wore a braided cotton coat to keep cool, and a woollen comforter to +keep warm, and from time to time he smilingly invited the attention of +the other three to vast green maps of the country, which I could see him +apologising for spreading over Mrs. Portheris's capacious lap. It was +interesting to watch his joyous sense of being in foreign society, and +his determination to be agreeable even if he had to talk all the time. +Now and then a sentence bubbled up over the noise of the wheels, as when +he had the happiness to discover the nationalities of his +fellow-travellers. + +"Ach, is it so? From England, from America also, and I from Markadorf +am! Four peoples, to see zis so beautiful Switzerland from everyveres in +one carriage we are come!" He smiled at them one after another in the +innocent joy of this wonderful fact, and it made me quite unhappy to see +how unresponsive they had grown. + +"In America I haf one uncle got----" + +"No, I don't know him," said the Senator, who was extremely tired of +being expected to keep up with society in Castle Garden. + +"But before I vas born going, mein uncle I myself haf never seen! To +Chicago mit nossings he went, und now letters ve are always getting it +is goot saying." + +"Made money, has he?" poppa inquired, with indifference. + +"Mit some small flours of large manufacture selling. Dose small +flours--ze name forgotten I haf--ze breads making, ze cakes making, ze +mädschen----" + +"Baking powder!" divined momma. + +"Bakings--powder! In America it is moch eat. So mine uncle Blittens----" + +"Josef Blittens?" exclaimed poppa. + +"Blittens und Josef also! The name of mine uncle to you is known! He is +so rich, mit carriage, piano, large family--he is now famous also, hein? +My goot uncle!" + +"He's been my foreman for fifteen years," said poppa, "and I don't care +where he came from; he's as good an American now as there is in the +Union. I am pleased to make the acquaintance of any member of his +family. There's nothing in the way of refreshments to be got till we +next change horses, but as soon as that happens, sir, I hope you will +take something." + +After that we began to rattle down the other side of the Julier and I +lost the thread of the conversation, but I saw that Herr Blittens' +determination to practise English was completely swamped in the +Senator's desire to persuade him of the advantages of emigration. + +"I never see a foreigner in his native land," said Mr. Mafferton, +regarding this one with disapproval, "without thinking what a pity it is +that any portion of the earth, so desirable for instance as this is, +should belong to him." Which led me to suggest that when he entered +political life in _his_ native land Mr. Mafferton should aim at the +Cabinet, he was obviously so well qualified to sustain British +traditions. + +My companion's mind seemed to be so completely diverted by this prospect +that I breathed again. He could be depended upon I knew, never to think +seriously of me when there was an opportunity of thinking seriously of +himself, and in that certainty I relaxed my efforts to make it quite +impossible that anything should happen. I forgot the contingencies of +the situation in finding whiter glaciers and deeper gorges, and looking +for the Bergamesque sheep and their shepherds which Baedeker assured us +were to be seen pasturing on the slopes and heights of the Julier +wearing long curling locks, mantles of brown wool, and peaked Calabrian +hats. We grew quite frivolous over this phenomenon, which did not +appear, and it was only after some time that we observed the Baedeker to +be of 1877, and decided that the home of truth was not in old editions. +It seemed to me afterwards that Mr. Mafferton had been waiting for his +opportunity; he certainly took advantage of a very insufficient one. + +"It's exactly," said I, talking of the compartments of the diligence, +"as if Isabel and Dicky had the first floor front, momma and poppa the +dining room, and you and I the second floor back." + +It was one of those things that one lives to repent if one survives them +five seconds; but my remorse was immediately swallowed up in +consequences. I do not propose to go into the details of Mr. Mafferton's +second attempt upon my insignificant hand--to be precise, I wear fives +and a quarter--but he began by saying that he thought we could do better +than that, meaning the second floor back, and he mentioned Park Lane. He +also said that ever since Dicky, doubtless before his affections had +become involved, had told him that there was a possibility of my +changing my mind--I was nearly false to Dicky at this point--he had been +giving the matter his best consideration, and he had finally decided +that it was only fair that I should have an opportunity of doing so. +These were not his exact words, but I can be quite sure of my +impression. We were trotting past the lake at Maloja when this came upon +me, and when I reflected that I owed it about equally to poppa and to +Dicky Dod I felt that I could have personally chastised them--could have +slapped them--both. What I longed to do with Mr. Mafferton was to hurl +him, figuratively speaking, down an abyss, but that would have been to +send him into Mrs. Portheris's beckoning arms next morning, and I had +little faith in any floral hat and pink bun once its mamma's commands +were laid upon it. I thought of my cradle companion--not tenderly, I +confess--and told Mr. Mafferton that I didn't know what I had done to +deserve such an honour a second time, and asked him if he had properly +considered the effect on Isabel. I added that I fancied Dicky was +generalising about American girls changing their minds, but I would try +and see if I had changed mine and would let him know in six days, at +Harwich. Any decision made on this side of the Channel might so easily +be upset. And this I did knowing quite well that Dicky and Isabel and I +were all to elope from Boulogne, Dicky and Isabel for frivolity and I +for propriety; for this had been arranged. In writing a description of +our English tour I do not wish to exculpate myself in any particular. + +We arrived late at St. Moritz, and the little German, on a very +fraternal footing, was still talking as the party descended from the +_intérieur_. He spoke of the butterflies the day before in Pontresina, +and he laughed with delight as he recounted. + +"Vorty maybe der vas, vifty der vas, mit der diligence vlying along; und +der brittiest of all I catch; he _vill_ come at my nose" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +Leaving out the scenery--the Senator declares that nothing +spoils a book of travels like scenery--the impressions of St. Moritz +which remain with me have something of the quality, for me, of the +illustrations in a French novel. I like to consult them; they are so +crisp and daintily defined and isolated and individual. Yet I can only +write about an upper class German mamma eating brodchen and honey with +three fair square daughters, young, younger, youngest, and not a flaxen +hair mislaid among them, and the intelligent accuracy with which they +looked out of the window and said that it was a horse, the horse was +lame, and it was a pity to drive a lame horse. Or about the two American +ladies from the south, creeping, wrapped up in sealskins, along the +still white road from the Hof to the Bad, and saying one to the other, +"Isn't it nice to feel the sun on yo' back?" Or about the curio shops on +the ridge where the politest little Frenchwomen endeavour to persuade +you that you have come to the very top of the Engadine for the purpose +of buying Japanese candlesticks and Italian scarves to carry down again. +It was all so clear and sharp and still at St. Moritz; everything drew +a double significance from its height and its loneliness. But, as poppa +says, a great deal of trouble would be saved if people who feel that +they can't describe things would be willing to consider the alternative +of leaving them alone; and I will only dwell on St. Moritz long enough +to say that it nearly shattered one of Mr. Mafferton's most cherished +principles. Never in his life before, he said, had he felt inclined to +take warm water in his bath in the morning. He made a note of the +temperature of his tub to send to the _Times_. "You never can tell," he +said, "the effect these little things may have." I was beginning to be +accustomed to the effect they had on me. + +Before we got to Coire the cool rushing night had come and the glaciers +had blotted themselves out. I find a mere note against Coire to the +effect that it often rains when you arrive there, and also that it is a +place in which you may count on sleeping particularly sound if you come +by diligence; but there is no reason why I should not mention that it +was under the sway of the Dukes of Swabia until 1268, as momma wishes me +to do so. We took the train there for Constance, and between Coire and +Constance, on the Bodensee, occurred Rorshach and Romanshorn; but we +didn't get out, and, as momma says, there was nothing in the least +individual about their railway stations. We went on that Bodensee, +however, I remember with animosity, taking a small steamer at Constance +for Neuhausen. It was a gray and sulky Bodensee, full of little dull +waves and a cold head wind that never changed its mind for a moment. +Isabel and I huddled together for comfort on the very hard wooden seat +that ran round the deck, and the depth of our misery may be gathered +from the fact that, when the wind caught Isabel's floral hat under the +brim and cast it suddenly into that body of water, neither of us looked +round! Mrs. Portheris was very much annoyed at our unhappy indifference. +She implied that it was precisely to enable Isabel to stop a steamer on +the Bodensee in an emergency of this sort that she had had her taught +German. Dicky told me privately that if it had happened a week before he +would have gone overboard in pursuit, for the sake of business, without +hesitation, but, under the present happy circumstances, he preferred the +prospect of buying a new hat. Nothing else actually transpired during +the afternoon, though there were times when other events seemed as +precipitant, to most of us, as upon the tossing Atlantic, and we made +port without having realised anything about the Bodensee, except that we +would rather not be on it. + +Neuhausen was the port, but Schaffhausen was of course the place, two or +three dusty miles along a river the identity of which revealed itself to +Mrs. Portheris through the hotel omnibus windows as an inspiration. "Do +we all fully understand," she demanded, "that we are looking upon the +Rhine?" And we endeavoured to do so, though the Senator said that if it +were not so intimately connected with the lake we had just been +delivered from he would have felt more cordial about it. I should like +to have it understood that relations were hardly what might be called +strained at this time between the Senator and myself. There were +subjects which we avoided, and we had enough regard for our dignity, +respectively, not to drop into personalities whatever we did, but we had +a _modus vivendi_, we got along. Dicky maintained a noble and pained +reserve, giving poppa hours of thought, out of which he emerged with the +almost visible reflection that a Wick never changed his mind. + +There was a garden with funny little flowers in it which went out of +fashion in America about twenty years ago. There was also a _châlet_ in +the garden, where we saw at once that we could buy cuckoo clocks and +edelweiss and German lace if we wanted to. There was a big hotel full of +people speaking strange languages--by this time we all sympathised with +Mr. Mafferton in his resentment of foreigners in Continental hotels; as +he said, one expected them to do their travelling in England. There were +the "Laufen" foaming down the valley under the dining room windows, +there were the Swiss waitresses in short petticoats and velvet bodices +and white chemisettes, and at the dinner table, sitting precisely +opposite, there were the Malts. Mr. Malt, Mrs. Malt, Emmeline Malt, and +Miss Callis, not one of them missing. The Malts whom we had left at +Rome, left in the same hotel with Count Filgiatti, and to some purpose +apparently, for seated attentively next to Mrs. Malt there also was +that diminutive nobleman. + +As a family we saw at a glance that America was not likely to be the +poorer by one Count in spite of the way we had behaved to him. Miss +Callis, with four thousand dollars a year of her own, was going to offer +them up to sustain the traditions of her country. A Count, if she could +help it, should not go a-begging more than twice. Further impressions +were lost in the shock of greeting, but it recurred to me instantly to +wonder whether Miss Callis had really gone into the question of keeping +a Count on that income, whether she would be able to give him all the +luxuries he had been brought up in anticipation of. It was interesting +to observe the slight embarrassment with which Count Filgiatti +re-encountered his earlier American vision, and his re-assurance when I +gave him the bow of the most travelling of acquaintances. Nothing was +further from my thoughts than interfering. When I considered the number +of engagements upon my hands already, it made me quite faint to +contemplate even an _arrangimento_ in addition to them. + +We told the Malts where we had been and they told us where they had been +as well as we could across the table without seeming too confidential, +and after dinner Emmeline led the way to the enclosed verandah which +commanded the Falls. "Come along, ladies and gentlemen," said Emmeline, +"and see the great big old Schaffhausen Fraud. Performance begins at +nine o'clock exactly, and no reserve seats, so unless you want to get +left, Mrs. Portheris, you'd better put a hustle on." + +Miss Malt had gone through several processes of annihilation at Mrs. +Portheris's hands, and had always come out of them so much livelier than +ever, that our Aunt Caroline had abandoned her to America some time +previously. + +"Emmeline!" exclaimed Mrs. Malt, "you are _too_ personal." + +"She ought to be sent to the children's table," Mrs. Portheris remarked +severely. + +"Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Portheris. I don't like milk puddings--they +give you a double chin. I expect you've eaten a lot of 'em in your time, +haven't you, Mis' Portheris? Now, Mr. Mafferton, you sit here, and you, +Mis' Wick, you sit _here_. That's right, Mr. Wick, you hold up the wall. +I ain't proud, I'll sit on the floor--there now, we're every one fixed. +No, Mr. Dod, none of us ladies object to smoking--Mis' Portheris smokes +herself, don't you, Mis' Portheris?" + +"Emmeline, if you pass another remark to bed you go!" exclaimed her +mother with unction. + +"I was fourteen the day before yesterday, and you don't send people of +fourteen to bed. I got a town lot for a birthday present. Oh, there's +the French gentleman! _Bon soir, Monsieur! Comment va-t-il! Attendez!_" +and we were suddenly bereft of Emmeline. + +"She's gone to play poker with that man from Marseilles," remarked Mrs. +Malt. "Really, husband, I don't know----" + +"You able to put a limit on the game?" asked poppa. + +Everybody laughed, and Mr. Malt said that it wasn't possible for +Emmeline to play for money because she never could keep as much as five +francs in her possession, but if she _did_ he'd think it necessary to +warn the man from Marseilles that Miss Malt knew the game. + +"And she's perfectly right," continued her father, "in describing this +illumination business as a fraud. I don't say it isn't pretty enough, +but it's a fraud this way, they don't give you any choice about paying +your money for it. Now we didn't start boarding at this hotel, we went +to the one down there on the other side of the river. We were very much +fatigued when we arrived, and every member of our party went straight to +bed. Next day--I always call for my bills daily--what do I find in my +account but '_Illumination de la chute de la Rhin_' one franc apiece." + +"And you hadn't ordered anything of the kind," said poppa. + +"Ordered it? I hadn't even seen it! Well, I didn't lose my temper. I +took the document down to the office and asked to have it explained to +me. The explanation was that it cost the hotel a large sum of money. I +said I guessed it did, and it was also probably expensive to get hot and +cold water laid on, but I didn't see any mention of that in the bill, +though I used the hot and cold water, and didn't use the illumination." + +"That's so," said poppa. + +"Well, then the fellow said it was done all on my account, or words to +that effect, and that it was a beautiful illumination and worth twice +the money, and as it was the rule of the hotel he'd have to trouble me +for the price of it." + +"Did you oblige him?" asked poppa. + +"Yes, I did. I hated to awfully, but you never can tell where the law +will land you in a foreign country, especially when you can't converse +with the judge, and I don't expect any stranger could get justice in +Schaffhausen against an hotel anyway. But I sent for my party's trunks, +and we moved--down there to that little thing like a castle overhanging +the Falls. It was a castle once, I believe, but it's a deception now, +for they've turned it into an hotel." + +"Find it comfortable there?" inquired the Senator. + +"Well, I'm telling you. Pretty comfortable. You could sit in the garden +and get as wet as you liked from the spray, and no extra charge; and if +you wanted to eat apricots at the same time they only cost you a franc +apiece. So when I saw how moderate they were every way, I didn't think +I'd have any trouble about the illumination, specially as I heard that +the three hotels which compose Schaffhausen subscribed to run the +electric plant, and I'd already helped one hotel with its subscription." + +"When did you move in here?" asked poppa. + +"I am coming to that. Well, I saw the show that night. I happened to be +on an outside balcony when it came off, and I couldn't help seeing it. I +wouldn't let myself out so far as to enjoy it, for fear it might +prejudice me later, but I certainly looked on. You can't keep your eyes +shut for three-quarters of an hour for the sake of a principle valued at +a franc a head." + +"I expect you had to pay," said poppa. + +"You're so impatient. I looked coldly on, and between the different +coloured acts I made a calculation of the amount the hotel opposite was +losing by its extortion. I took considerable satisfaction in doing it. +You can get excited over a little thing like that just as much as if it +were the entire Monroe Doctrine; and I couldn't sleep, hardly, that +night for thinking of the things I'd say to the hotel clerk if the +illumination item decorated the bill next day. Cut myself shaving in the +morning over it--thing I never do. Well, there it was--'_Illumination de +la chute de la Rhin_,' same old French story, a franc apiece." + +"I thought, somehow, from what you've been saying, that it _would_ be +there," remarked the Senator patiently. + +"Well, sir, I tried to control myself, but I guess the clerk would tell +you I was pretty wild. There wasn't an argument I didn't use. I threw as +many lights on the situation as they did on the Falls. I asked him how +it would be if a person preferred his Falls plain? I told him I paid +him board and lodging for what Schaffhausen could show me, not for what +I could show Schaffhausen. I used the words 'pillage,' 'outrage,' and +other unmistakable terms, and I spoke of communicating the matter to the +American Consul at Berne." + +"And after that?" inquired the Senator. + +"Oh, it wasn't any use. After that I paid, and moved. Moved right up +here, this morning. But I thought about it a good deal on the way, and +concluded that, if I wasn't prepared to sample every hotel within ten +miles of this cataract for the sake of not being imposed upon, I'd have +to take up a different attitude. So I walked up to the manager the +minute we arrived, fierce as an Englishman--beg your pardon, Squire +Mafferton, but the British _have_ a ferocious way with hotel managers, +as a rule. I didn't mean anything personal--and said to him exactly as +if it was my hotel, and he was merely stopping in it, 'Sir,' I said, 'I +understand that the guests of this hotel are allowed to subscribe to an +electric illumination of the Falls of the Rhine. You may put me down for +ten francs. Now I'm prepared, for the first time, to appreciate the +evening's entertainment." + +Shortly after the recital of Mr. Malt's experiences the illumination +began, and we realised what it was to drink coffee in fairyland. Poppa +advises me, however, to attempt no description of the Falls of +Schaffhausen by any light, because "there," he says, "you will come into +competition with Ruskin." The Senator is perfectly satisfied with +Ruskin's description of the Falls; he says he doesn't believe much could +be added to it. Though he himself was somewhat depressed by them, he +found that he liked them so much better than Niagara. I heard him myself +tell five different Alpine climbers, in precise figures, how much more +water went over our own cataract. + +It was discovered that evening that Mr. and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline, and +Miss Callis and the Count were going on to Heidelberg and down the Rhine +by precisely the same train and steamer that we had ourselves selected. +Mrs. Malt was looking forward to the ruins on the embattled Rhine with +all the enthusiasm we had expended upon Venice, but Mr. Malt declared +himself so full of the picturesque already that he didn't know how he +was going to hold another castle. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +We were on our way from Basle to Heidelberg, I remember, and +Mr. Malt was commenting sarcastically upon Swiss resources for naming +towns as exemplified in "Neuhausen." "There's a lot about this country," +said Mr. Malt, "that reminds you of the world as it appeared about the +time you built it for yourself every day with blocks, and made it lively +with animals out of your Noah's Ark. I can't say what it is, but that's +a sample of it--'New Houses!' What a baby baa-lamb name for a town! It +would settle the municipality in our part of the world--any railway +would make a circuit of fifty miles to avoid it!" + +Mr. Mafferton and I had paused in our conversation, and these remarks +reached us in full. They gave him the opportunity of bending a +sympathetic glance upon me and saying, "How graphic your countrymen are, +Miss Wick." Cologne was only three days off, but Mr. Mafferton never +departed from the proprieties in his form of address. He was in that +respect quite the most docile and respectful person I have ever found it +necessary to keep in suspense. + +I said they were not all as pictorial as Mr. Malt, and noticed that his +eye was wandering. It had wandered to Miss Callis, who was snubbing the +Count, and looking wonderfully well. I don't know whether I have +mentioned that she had blue eyes and black hair, but her occupation, of +course, would be becoming to anybody. + +"And for the matter of that your country-women, too," said Mr. +Mafferton. "I am much gratified to have the opportunity of making the +acquaintance of another of them in this unexpected way. I find your +friend, Miss Callis, a charming creature." + +She wasn't my friend, but the moment did not seem opportune for saying +so. + +"I saw you talking a good deal to her yesterday," I said. + +Mr. Mafferton twisted his moustache with a look of guilty satisfaction +which I found hard to bear. "Must I cry _Peccavi_?" he said. "You see +you were so--er--preoccupied. You said you would rather hear about the +growth of the Swiss Confederacy and its relation to the Helvetia of the +Ancients another day." + +"That was quite true," I said indignantly. + +"I found Miss Callis anxious to be informed without delay," said Mr. +Mafferton, with a slightly rebuking accent. "She has a very open mind," +he went on musingly. + +"Oh, wonderfully," I said. + +"And a highly retentive memory. It seems she was shown over our place in +Surrey last summer. She described it to me in the most perfect detail. +She must be very observant." + +"She's as observant as ever she can be," I remarked. "I expect she could +describe you in the most perfect detail too, if she tried." I sweetened +this with an exterior smile, but I felt extremely rude inside. + +"Oh, I fear I could not flatter myself--but how interesting that would +be! One has always had a desire to know the impression one makes as a +whole, so to speak, upon a fresh and unsophisticated young intelligence +like that." + +"Well," I said, "there isn't any reason why you shouldn't find out at +once." For the Count had melted away, and Miss Callis was not nearly so +much occupied with her novel as she appeared to be. + +Mr. Mafferton rose, and again stroked his moustache, with a quizzical +disciplinary air. + + "Oh woman, in your hours of ease + Uncertain, coy, and hard to please!" + +He quoted. "You are a very whimsical young lady, but since you send me +away I must abandon you." + +"Thanks so much!" I said. "I mean--I have myself to blame, I know," and +as Mr. Mafferton dropped into the seat opposite Miss Callis I saw Mrs. +Portheris regard him austerely, as one for whom it was possible to make +too much allowance. + +In connection with Heidelberg I wish there were something authentic to +say about Perkeo; but nobody would believe the quantity of wine he is +supposed to have drunk in a day, which is the statement oftenest made +about him, so it is of no consequence that I have forgotten the number +of bottles. He isn't the patron saint of Heidelberg, because he only +lived about a hundred and fifty years ago, and the first qualification +for a patron saint is antiquity. As poppa says, there may be elderly +gentlemen in Heidelberg now whose grandfathers have warned them against +the personal habits of Perkeo from actual observation. Also we know that +he was a court jester, and the pages of the Calendar, for some reason, +are closed to persons in that walk of life. Judging by the evidences of +his popularity that survive on all sides, Mr. Malt declared that he was +probably worth more to the town in attracting residents and investors +than half-a-dozen patron saints, and in this there may have been more +truth than reverence. The Elector Charles Philip, whose court he jested +for, certainly made no such mark upon his town and time as Perkeo did, +and in that, perhaps, there is a moral for sovereigns, although the +Senator advises me not to dwell upon it. At all events, one writes of +Heidelberg but one thinks of Perkeo, as he swings from the sign-boards +of the Haupt-Strasse, and stands on the lids of the beer mugs, and +smiles from the extra-mural decoration of the wine shops, and lifts his +glass, in eternally good wooden fellowship, beside the big Tun in the +Castle cellar. There is a Hotel Perkeo, there must be Clubs Perkeo, +probably a suburb and steamboats of the same name, and the local oath +"Per Perkeo!" has a harmless sound, but nothing could be more binding +in Heidelberg. Momma thought his example a very unfortunate one for a +University town, but the rest of us were inclined to admire Perkeo as a +self-made man and a success. As Dicky protested he had made the fullest +use of the capacities Nature had given him, it was evident from his +figure that he had even developed them, and what more profitable course +should the German youth follow? He was cheerful everywhere--as the +forerunner of the comic paper one supposes he had to be--but most +impressive in his effigy by his master's wine vat, in the perpetual +aroma that most inspired him, where, by a mechanical arrangement inside +him, he still makes a joke of sorts, in somewhat graceless aspersion of +the methods of the professional humorists. Emmeline found him very like +her father, and confided her impression to Mrs. Malt. "But of course," +she added condoningly, "poppa was different when you married him." + +Perkeo was not so sentimental as the Trumpeter of Sakkingen, and the +Trumpeter of Sakkingen was not so sentimental as the Heidelberg +University student. The Heidelberg University student was as a rule very +round and very young, and he seemed to give up the whole of his spare +time to imitating the passion which I hope has not been permitted to +enter too largely into this book of travels. + +Dicky and I agreed that it was a mere imitation; that is, Dicky said it +was and I agreed. It could not possibly amount to anything more, for it +consisted wholly in walking up and down in front of the house in which +its object lived. We saw it being done, and it looked so uninteresting +that we failed to realise what it meant until we inquired. Mrs. +Portheris's nephew, Mr. Jarvis Portheris, who was acquiring German in +Heidelberg, told us about it. Mrs. Portheris's nephew was just fourteen +and small of his age, but he, too, had selected the lady of his +admiration, and was taking regular daily pedestrian exercise in front of +her residence. He pointed out the residence, and observed with an +enormous frown that "another man" had usurped the pavement in his +absence, and was doing it in quick step doubtless to show his ardour. +"He's a beastly German too," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew, "so I can't +challenge him, but I'll jolly well punch his head." + +"Come on," said Dicky, "you'd better steady your nerves," and treated +him liberally to ginger-beer and currant buns; but we were not allowed +to see the encounter, which Mr. Jarvis Portheris, gratefully satiate, +assured us must be conducted on strict lines of etiquette, with formal +preliminaries. He was so very young, and obviously knew so little about +what he was doing, that we questioned him with some delicacy, but we +discovered that the practice had no parallel, as Dicky put it, for lack +of incident. It was accompanied in some cases by the writing of poetry, +"German poetry, of course," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew ineffably, but +even that was more likely to be exhibited as evidence of the writer's +fervid state of mind than to be sent to its object, who plaited her +hair and attended to her domestic duties as if nobody were in the street +but the fishmonger. In Mr. Jarvis Portheris's case he did not know the +colour of her eyes, or the number of her years; he had selected her, it +seemed, at a venture, in church, from a rear view, sitting; and had +never seen her since. Dicky, whose predilections of this sort have +always been very active, asked him seriously why he adhered to such a +hollow mockery, and he said regretfully that a fellow more or less had +to; it was one of the beastly nuisances of being educated abroad. But +from what we saw of the German temperament generally we were convinced +that as a native demonstration it was sincere, and that its idiocy arose +only, as Dicky expressed it, from the remarkable lack in foreigners of +business capacity. + +We all congratulated ourselves on seeing Heidelberg while the University +was in session, and we could observe the large fat students in flat blue +and pink and green club caps, swaggering about the town accompanied by +dogs of almost equal importance. The largest and fattest, I thought, +wore white caps, and, though Mr. Jarvis Portheris said that white was +the most aristocratic club's colour, they looked remarkably like bakers. +The Senator had an object in Heidelberg, as he had in so many places, +and that object was to investigate the practice of duelling, which +everybody understands to prevail to a deadly extent among the students. +It was plain from their appearance that personal assault at all events +was regrettably common, for nearly everyone of them wore traces of it +in their faces, wore them as if they were particularly becoming. Every +variety of scar that could well be imagined was represented, some +healed, some healing, and some freshly gory. The youth with the most +scars, we observed, gave himself the most airs, and the really +vainglorious were, more or less, obscured in cotton-wool, evidently just +from the hands of the surgeon. The Senator examined them individually as +they passed, with an inquisitiveness which they plainly enjoyed, and was +much impressed with their fighting qualities as a race, until Mr. Jarvis +Portheris happened to explain that the scars were very carefully given +and received with an almost exclusive view to personal adornment. Mr. +Mafferton appeared to have known this before; but that was an irritating +way he had--none of the rest of us did. The Senator regarded the next +youth he met, who had elongated his mouth to run up into his ear without +adding in the least to his charms of appearance, with barely disguised +contempt, and when Mr. Jarvis Portheris proceeded to explain how the +doctors pulled open the cuts if they promised to heal without leaving +any sign of valour, poppa's impatience with the noble army of duellists +grew so great that he could hardly remain in Heidelberg till the train +was ready to take him away. + +"But don't they ever by _accident_ do themselves any harm?" inquired my +disappointed parent. + +"There's one case on record," said Mr. Jarvis Portheris, "and everybody +here says it's true. One fellow that was fighting happened to have a +dog, and the dog was allowed in. Well, the other fellow, by accident, +sliced off the end of the fellow that had the dog's nose--I don't mean +the dog's nose, you know, but the fellow's. That was going a bit far, +you know; they don't generally go so far. Well, the doctor said that +would be all right, they could easily make it grow on again; but when +they looked for the nose--_the dog had eaten it!_ They never allow dogs +in now." + +It was a simple little story, and it bore marks of unmistakable age and +many aliases, but it did much to reconcile the Senator to the University +student of Heidelberg, and especially to his dog. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +Emmeline had childlike lapses; she rejoiced greatly, for instance, at +seeing a Strasbourg stork. She confessed, when she saw it, to having +read Hans Andersen when she was a little girl, and was happy in the +resemblance of the tall chimneys he stood on, and the high-pitched red +roofs he surveyed, to the pictures she remembered. But, for that matter, +so were we all. We had an hour and a half at Strasbourg, and we drove, +of course, to the Cathedral; but it was the stork that we saw, and that +each of us privately considered the really valuable impression. He stood +beside his nest with his chin sunk in his neck, looking immensely lucky +and wise, and one quite agreed with Emmeline that it must be lovely to +live under him. + +We lunched at the station, and, as the meal progressed, saw again how +widespread and sincere is the German sentiment to which I alluded, +perhaps too lightly, in the last chapter. Our waitresses were all that +could be desired, until there came between us and them a youth from +parts without. He was sallow, and the waitresses were buxom; he might +have been a student of law or medicine, they were naturally of much +lower degree. But they frankly forsook us and sat down beside him in +terms of devotion and an open aspect of radiant happiness. When one went +to draw his lager beer he put an unrepelled arm round the waist of the +other, and when the first came back he chucked her under the chin with +undisguised affection, the while we looked on and starved, none knowing +the language except Isabel, who thought of nothing but blushing. As Mr. +Malt said, if the young man could only have made up his mind, we might +have been able to get along with the rejected one; but, apparently, he +was not in the least embarrassed by numbers, sending a large and +beguiling smile to yet a further hand-maiden, who passed enviously +through the _speise-salle_ with a basin of soup. It was only when Dicky +stalked across to the old woman who sold sausages and biscuits behind a +counter, and pointed indignantly to the person who held all the +available table service of the Strasbourg railway station on his knees, +that we obtained redress. The old woman laughed as if it were amusing, +and called the maidens shrilly; but even then they came with reluctance, +as if we had been mere schnapps instead of ten complete luncheons, one +soup, and a bread and cheese, as Dicky said. The bread and cheese was +the Count, and one gathered from it that the improvement in his +immediate prospects was not yet assured, that the arrangimento was still +in futuro. + +We had become such a large party, that it is impossible to relate the +whole of our experiences even in the half hour during which we dawdled +round the Strasbourg waiting-room until the train should start. I know +it was then, for instance, that Mrs. Portheris took Dicky aside and told +him how deeply she sympathised with him in his trying position, and bade +him only be faithful to the dictates of his own heart and all would come +right in time. I know Dicky promised faithfully to do so, but I must not +dwell upon it. Nor is the opportunity adequate to express the +indignation we all felt, and not Mr. Mafferton merely, at the +insufficient personal impression we made upon the German railway +officials. They were so completely preoccupied with their magnificent +selves and their vast business that they were unable even to look at us +when we asked them questions, and their sole conception of a reply was +an order, in terms that sounded brutal to a degree. They were +objectionably burly and red in the face; they wore an offensive number +of buttons and straps upon their uniforms. As Mr. Mafferton said, they +utterly misconceived their position in life, attempting to Kaiser the +travelling public by Divine right instead of recognising themselves as +humble servants, buttoned only to be made more agreeable to the eye. + +One such person trampled upon us to such an extent that I have never +been able to satisfy myself that the Senator was sincere in making his +little mistake. We were sitting in dejected rows, with a number of other +foreigners who had been similarly reduced, when this official entered +the waiting-room, advanced to the middle of it, posed with great +majesty, and emitted several bars of a kind of chant or chime. It was +delivered with too much vigour, and it stopped too abruptly, to be +entirely enjoyable; but there was no doubt about the musical intention. +It was not even intoning; it was singing, beginning with moderation, +going on stronger with indignation, and ending suddenly in a crescendo +of denunciation. + +We smiled in difficult self-restraint as he went away, and Dicky +remarked that he supposed we were in their hands, we couldn't object to +anything they did to us. In five minutes he came back to exactly the +same spot and sang again the same words, in the same key, with the same +unction. "Encore!" exclaimed Mr. Malt boldly, but cowered under the +glare that was turned upon him, and utterly fell away when we reminded +him of the punishments attached in Germany to the charge of _lèse +majesté_. Precisely five minutes more passed away, and Bawlinbuttons, as +Miss Callis called him, entered again. Then occurred the Senator's +little mistake. In the midst of the second bar, the indignant one, +Bawlinbuttons stopped short, petrified by poppa, who had advanced and +was holding out copper coins whose usefulness we had left behind us, to +the value of about fifteen cents. + +"Here's the collection," said poppa benevolently--for an instant or two +he was quite audible--"but unless you know some other tune the company +wish me to say that they won't trouble you any further." + +There are misunderstandings that are never rectified, sometimes because +a train draws up at the platform as in this case, and sometimes for +other reasons, and it was natural enough that poppa should fail to +comprehend Bawlinbuttons' indignant shouts to the effect that a Kaiser +should never be mistaken for an organ-grinder, merely because his tastes +are musical. Neither is it likely that the various Teutons who were +waiting for the information will ever understand why the announcement +that the train for Saarburg, Nancy, Frankfort, and Mayence would leave +at ten o'clock precisely was never completed for the third time, +according to the regulation. But we have often wondered since what +Bawlinbuttons did with the coppers. + +We divided up on the way to Mayence, and Mr. and Mrs. Malt came into +the compartment with the Senator, momma, and me. Mr. Malt was +unsatisfied with poppa's revenge on Bawlinbuttons, and proposed to make +things awkward further for the guard. He said it could be done very +simply, by a disagreement between himself and the Senator as to whether +the windows should be open or shut. He said he had heard of a German +guard put to the most enjoyable misery by such a dispute, not knowing +the language of the disputants and being forced to arbitrate upon their +respective demands. Mr. Malt had laughed at the Senator's joke, so the +Senator, of course, had to assist at Mr. Malt's, and they began to work +themselves up, as Mr. Malt said, into the spirit of it. Mr. Malt was to +insist that the windows should be shut, he said he _had_ got a trifling +cold, and the Senator was to require them open in the interests of +ventilation. They rehearsed their arguments, and momma putting her head +out of the window at the first small station cried, "Be quick and change +your expressions--he's coming!" + +In the presence of the guard Mr. Malt rose with dignity and closed the +windows. The Senator, with a well-simulated scowl, at once opened them +both. + +"Stranger!" said Mr. Malt, while momma fumbled for her ticket, "I shut +those windows." + +"Sir," responded poppa, "if you had not done so I shouldn't have been +obliged to open them." + +"I can't die of pneumonia, sir," said Mr. Malt, again closing the +window, "to oblige _you_." + +"Nor do I feel compelled," returned the Senator furiously, "to +asphyxiate my family to make it comfortable for you!" and the window +fell with a bang. + +The guard, holding out a massive hand for my ticket, took no notice +whatever. + +"Put it up again," said Mrs. Malt, who was more anxious than any of us +to avenge herself upon the German railway system, "and try to break the +glass." + +"Attract his attention, Alexander," said momma. "Pull one of his silly +buttons off." + +The guard gave no sign--he was replacing the elastic round my book of +coupons after detaching the green one on which was printed, "Strasburg +nach Mainz." + +Poppa and Mr. Malt were sitting opposite each other in the middle of +the carriage. + +"I tell you I've got bronchial trouble, and I won't be manslaughtered," +cried Mr. Malt, hurling himself upon the strap, while poppa seized the +guard by the arm and pointed to the closed window. The only foreign +language with which poppa is acquainted is that used by the Indians on +the banks of the Saguenay river, a few words of which he acquired while +salmon fishing there two years ago. These he poured forth upon the +guard--they were the only ones that occurred to him, he said--at the +same time threatening with his disengaged fist bodily assault upon Mr. +Malt. + +"That ought to draw him," said Mrs. Malt. + +It did draw him. + +"Leave go!" he said to poppa, and his air of authority was such that +poppa left go. "Is this here a lunatic party, or a young menagerie, or +what? Now look here," he continued, taking Mr. Malt by the elbow and +seating him with some violence in a corner seat and shutting the window. +"If you've got eight tickets for yourself say so, if you haven't that's +as much an' more than you are entitled to. The other gentleman----" But +the Senator had already collapsed into the furthest corner and was +looking fixedly through the closed glass. "Well, all I've got to say +is," he went on, lowering that window with decision, "that you can't go +kickin' up rows in this country same as you do at home, an' if you can't +get along more satisfactory together I'll----" here something interrupted +him, requiring to be transferred from the Senator's hand to the nearest +convenient pocket. "As I was goin' to say, gentlemen, there isn't any what +you might call strict rule about the windows, an' as far as I'm concerned, +you can settle it for yourselves." + +Whereupon he swung along to the next carriage, the train having started, +and left us to reflect on the incongruity of an English railway guard in +Germany. + +It was curious, but the incident left behind it a certain coolness, so +well defined that when momma suggested that the Malts' window should be +lowered as it was before to give us a current of air, Mrs. Malt said she +thought it would be better to abide by the decision of the guard, now +that we had referred it to him, and momma said, "Oh dear me, yes," if +she preferred to do so, and everybody established the most aggressively +private relations with books and newspapers. It was quite a relief when +Mrs. Portheris came at the next station to inquire whether, if we had no +married Germans in our compartment, we could possibly make room for +Isabel. Mrs. Portheris had married Germans in her compartment, two pairs +of them, and she could no longer permit her daughter to observe their +behaviour. "They obtrude their domestic relations," said Mrs. Portheris, +"in the most disgusting way. They are continually patting each other. +Quite middle-aged, too! And calling each other 'Leibchen,' and other +things which may be worse. My poor Isabel is dreadfully embarrassed, +for, of course, she can't always look out of the window. And as she +understands the language, I can't possibly tell _what_ she may +overhear!" + +We made room for Isabel, but the train to Mayence was crowded that day, +and before we arrived we had ample reason to believe that conjugal +affection is not only at home but abroad in Germany. The Senator, at one +point, threatened to travel on the engine to avoid it. He used, I think +the language of exaggeration about it. He said it was the most +objectionable article made in Germany. But I did not notice that Isabel +devoted herself at all seriously to looking out of the window. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +"He tells me," said Miss Callis, "that you are to give him his answer at +Cologne." + +"Does he, indeed?" said I. We were floating down the Rhine in the +society of our friends, two hundred and fifty other floaters, and a +string band. We had left the battlements of Bingen, and the Mouse Tower +was in sight. As we had already acquired the legend, and were sitting +behind the smoke stack, there was no reason why we should not discuss +Mr. Mafferton. + +"I suppose he does not, by any chance, mention an alternative lady," I +said carelessly. + +"I don't know," said Miss Callis, "that I should be disposed to listen +to him if he did. He would have to put it in some other light." + +"Why should you object?" I asked. "Isabel is quite a proper person to +marry him. Much more so, I often think, than I." + +"Oh!" said Miss Callis without meaning to. "I think he has outgrown that +taste. In fact, he told me so." + +"He is for ever seeking a fresh bosom for a confidence!" I cried. + +Miss Callis looked at me with more interest than she would have wished +to express. + +"What do you really think of him?" she asked. "I sometimes feel as if I +had known you for years," and she took my hand. + +I gave hers a gentle pressure, and edged a little nearer. "He has good +shoulders," I remarked critically. + +"You would hardly marry him for his _shoulders_!" + +"It doesn't seem quite enough," I admitted, "but then--his information +is always so accurate." + +"If you think you would like living with an encyclopedia." Miss Callis +had begun to look embarrassed by my hand, but I still permitted it to +nestle confidingly in hers. + +"He pronounces all his g's," I said, "and--did you ever see him in a +silk hat?" + +"I don't think you are really attached to him, dear." (The "dear" was a +really creditable sacrifice to the situation.) + +"I sometimes think," I murmured, "that one never knows one's own heart +until some sudden circumstance puts it to the test. Now if I had a +rival--in you, for instance--and I suddenly saw myself losing--but, of +course, that is impossible so far as you are concerned. Because of the +Count." + +"The Count isn't in it," said Miss Callis firmly. "At least at present." + +"But," I protested, "somebody must provide for him! I was so happy in +the thought that you had undertaken it." + +Miss Callis gave me back my hand. She looked as if she would have liked +to throw it overboard. + +"As you say," she said, "it is a little difficult to make up one's mind. +Don't you think those rocks to the right may be the Lorelei? I must go +and tell Mrs. Malt. She won't be fit to travel with for a week if she +misses the Lorelei." And Miss Callis left me to reflect upon the +inconsistencies of my sex. + +"Do you realise," said Dicky, as, with an assumed air of nonchalance, he +sauntered up and took her chair, "that we shall be in Cologne in five +hours?" + +"Fateful Cologne," I said. "There are Roman remains, I believe, as well +as the Cathedral and the scent. Also a Museum of Industrial Art, but +we'll skip that." + +"We'll skip all of it," replied Mr. Dod, with determination, "you and I +and Isabel. The train for Paris leaves at nine precisely." + +"Haven't you made up your minds to let me off," I pleaded. "I am sure +you would be happier alone. It's so unusual to elope with two ladies." + +"You don't seem to realise how Isabel has been brought up," Dicky +returned patiently. "She can't travel alone with me, don't you see, +until we are married. Afterwards she'll chaperone you back to your party +again. So it will be all right for _you_, don't you see?" + +I was obliged to say I saw, and we arranged the details. We would reach +Cologne about six, and Isabel and I, who would share a room as usual, +were secretly to pack one bag between us, which Dicky would smuggle out +of the hotel and send to the station. Isabel was to be fatigued and dine +in her room; I was to leave the _table d'hôte_ early to solace her, +Dicky was to dine at a _café_ and meet us at the station. We would put +out the lights and lock the door of the apartment on our departure, and +the chambermaid with hot water in the morning would be the first to +discover our flight. We only regretted that we could not be there to see +the astonishment of the chambermaid. "I won't fail you," I assured Mr. +Dod, "but what about Isabel? Isabel is essential; in fact, I won't +consent to this elopement without her." + +"Isabel," said Dicky dubiously, "is all right, so far as her intentions +go. But she'd be the better for a little stiffening. Would you mind----" + +I groaned in spirit, but went in search of Isabel, thinking of phrases +that might stiffen her. I found her looking undecided, with a pencil and +a slip of paper. + +"How lucky you are," I said diplomatically, sinking into the nearest +chair, "to be going to wind up your trip on the Continent in such a +delightful way. It will be--ah--something to remember all your life." + +"Oh, I suppose so," said Isabel plaintively, "but I should _so_ much +prefer to be done in church. If mamma would only consent!" + +"She never would," I declared, for I felt that I must see Isabel Mrs. +Dod within the next day or two at all costs. + +"A registry office sounds so uninteresting. I suppose one just goes--as +one is." + +"I don't think veils and trains are worn," I observed, "except by +persons of high rank who do not approve of the marriage service. I don't +know what the Marquis of Queensberry might do, or Mr. Grant Allen." + +"Of course, the ceremony doesn't matter to _them_," replied Isabel +intelligently, "because they would just wear morning dress _anywhere_." + +"Looking at it that way, they haven't much to lose," I conceded. + +"And no wedding cake," grieved Isabel, "and no reception at the house of +the bride's mother. And you can't have your picture in the _Queen_." + +"There would be a difficulty," I said, "about the descriptive part." + +"And no favours for the coachman, and no trousseau----" + +"I wonder," I said, "whether, under those circumstances, it's really +worth while." + +"Oh, well!" said Isabel. + +"It's a night to Paris, and a morning to Dover," I said. "We will wait +for the others at Dover--I fancy they'll hurry--that'll be another day. +I'll take one _robe de nuit_, Isabel, three pocket handkerchiefs, one +brush and comb, and tooth brush. You shall have all the rest of the +bag." + +"You are a perfect love," exclaimed Miss Portheris, with the most +touching gratitude. + +"We will share the soap," I continued, "until you are married. +Afterwards----" + +"Oh, you can have it then," said Isabel, "of course," and she looked at +the Castle of Rheinfels and blushed beautifully. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +"There was only one thing that disappointed me," Mrs. Malt was saying at +the dinner table of the Cologne hotel, "and that wasn't so much what you +would call a disappointment as a surprise. White windows-blinds in a +robber castle on the Rhine I did not expect to see." + +I slipped away before momma had time to announce and explain her +disappointments, but I heard her begin. Then I felt safe, for criticism +of the Rhine is absorbing matter for conversation. The steamer's custom +of giving one stewed plums with chicken is an affront to civilisation to +last a good twenty minutes by myself. I tried to occupy and calm +Isabel's mind with it as we walked over to the station, under the twin +towers of the Cathedral, but with indifferent success. To add to her +agitation at this crisis of her life, the top button came off her glove, +and when that happened I felt the inutility of words. + +We passed the policemen on the Cathedral square with affected +indifference. We believed we were not liable to arrest, but policemen, +when one is eloping, have a forbidding look. We refrained, by mutual +arrangement, from turning once to look back for possible pursuers, but +that is not a thing I would undertake to do again under similar +circumstances. We even had the hardihood to buy a box of chocolates on +the way, that is, Isabel bought them, while I watched current events at +the confectioner's door. The station was really only about seven +minutes' walk from the hotel, but it seemed an hour before I was able to +point out Dicky, alert and expectant, on the edge of the platform behind +the line of cabs. + +"So near the fulfilment of his hopes, poor fellow," I remarked. + +"Yes," concurred Isabel, "but do you know I almost wish he wasn't +coming." + +"Don't tell him so, whatever you do," I exclaimed. "I know Dicky's +sensitive nature, and it is just as likely as not that he would take you +at your word. And I will not elope with you alone." + +I need not have been alarmed. Isabel had no intention of reducing the +party at the last moment. I listened for protests and hesitations when +they met, but all I heard was, "_Have_ you got the bag?" + +Dicky had the bag, the tickets, the places, everything. He had already +assumed, though only a husband of to-morrow, the imperative and +responsible connection with Isabel's arrangements. He told her she was +to sleep with her head toward the engine, that she was to drink nothing +but soda-water at any of the stations, and that she must not, on any +account, leave the carriage when we changed for Paris until he came for +her. It would be my business to see that these instructions were +carried out. + +"What shall I do," I asked, "if she cries in the night?" + +But Dicky was sweeping us toward the waiting-room, and did not hear me. +He placed us carefully in the seats nearest the main door, which opened +upon the departure platform, full of people hurrying to and fro, and of +the more leisurely movement of shunting trains. The lamps were lighted, +though twilight still hung about; the scene was pleasantly exciting. I +said to Isabel that I never thought I should enjoy an elopement so much. + +"_I_ shall enjoy settling down," she replied thoughtfully. "Dicky has +promised me that all the china shall be hand-painted." + +"You won't mind my leaving you for five seconds," said Mr. Dod, suddenly +exploring his breast-pocket; "the train doesn't leave for a quarter of +an hour yet, and I find I haven't a smoke about me," and he opened the +door. + +"Not more that five seconds then," I said, for nothing is more trying to +the nerves than to wait for a train which is due in a few minutes and a +man who is buying cigars at the same time. + +Dicky left the door open, and that was how I heard a strangely familiar +voice, with an inflexion of enforced calm and repression, suddenly +address him from behind it. + +"_Good evening, Dod!_" + +I did not shriek, or even grasp Isabel's hand. I simply got up and +stood a little nearer the door. But I have known few moments so +electrical. + +"My dear chap, how _are_ you?" exclaimed Dicky. "How are you? Staying in +Cologne? I'm just off to Paris." + +I thought I heard a heavy sigh, but it was somewhat lost in the +trundling of the porters' trucks. + +"Then," said Arthur Page, for I had not been deceived, "it is as I +supposed." + +"What did you suppose, old chap?" asked Dicky in a joyous and expansive +tone. + +"You do not go alone?" + +The bitterness of this was not a thing that could be communicated to +paper and ink. + +"Why, no," said Dicky, "the fact is----" + +I saw the wave--it was characteristic--with which Mr. Page stopped him. +"I have been made acquainted with the facts," he said. "Do not dwell +upon them. I do not, cannot, blame you, if you have really won her +heart." + +"So far as I know," said Dicky, with some hauteur, "there's nothing in +it to give _you_ the hump." + +"Why waste time in idle words?" replied Arthur. "You will lose your +train. I could never forgive myself if I were the cause of that." + +"You won't be," said Dicky sententiously, looking at his watch. + +"But I must ask--must demand--the privilege of one parting word," said +Arthur firmly. "Do not be apprehensive of any painful scene. I desire +only to wish her every happiness, and to bid her farewell." + +Mr. Dod, though on the eve of his wedding day, was not wholly oblivious +of the love affairs of other people. I could see a new-born and +overwhelming comprehension of the situation in his face as he put his +head in at the door and beckoned to Isabel. Evidently he could not trust +himself to speak. + +"Miss Portheris," he said, with magnificent self-control, "Mr. Page. Mr. +Page would like to wish you every happiness and to bid you farewell, +Isabel, and I don't see why he shouldn't. We have still five minutes." + +There are limits to the propriety of all practical jokes, and I walked +out at once to assure Arthur that his misunderstanding was quite +natural, and somewhat less exquisitely humorous than Mr. Dod appeared to +find it. + +"I am merely eloping too," I said, "in case anything should happen to +Isabel." Realising that this was also being misinterpreted, I added, +"She is not accustomed to travelling alone." + +We had shaken hands, and that always makes a situation more normal, but +there was still plainly an enormous amount to clear up, and painfully +little time to do it in, though Dicky with great consideration +immediately put Isabel into the carriage and followed her to its +remotest corner, leaving me standing at the door, and Arthur holding it +open. The second bell rang as I learned from Mr. Page that the +Pattersons had gone to Newport this summer, and that it was extremely +hot in New York when he left. As the guard came along the platform +shutting up the doors of the train, Arthur's agitation increased, and I +saw that his customary suffering in connection with me, was quite as +great as anybody could desire. The guard had skipped our carriage, but +it was already vibrating in departure--creaking--moving. I looked at +Arthur in a manner--I confess it--which annihilated our two months of +separation. + +"Then since you're not going to marry Dod," he inquired breathlessly, +walking along with the train--"I've heard various reports--whom, may I +ask, _are_ you going to marry?" + +"Why, nobody," I said, "unless----" + +"Well, I should think so!" ejaculated Arthur, and in spite of the +frightful German language used by the guard, he jumped into the +carriage. + +He has maintained ever since that he was obliged to do it in order to +explain his presence on the platform, which was, of course, carrying the +matter to its logical conclusion. It seemed that the Senator had advised +him to come over and meet us accidentally in Venice, where he had +intimated that reunion would be only a question of privacy and a full +moon. On his arrival at Venice--it was _his_ gondola that we shared--the +Senator had discouraged him for the moment, and had since constantly +telegraphed him that the opportune moment had not yet arrived. Finally +poppa had written to say that, though he grieved to announce that I +was engaged to Dicky, and he could not guarantee any disengagement, he +was still operating to that end. This, however, precipitated Mr. Page to +Cologne, where observation of our movements at a distance brought him to +the wrong conclusion, but fortunately to the right platform. As Isabel +remarked, if such things were put in books nobody would believe them. + +[Illustration: "Whom _are_ you going to marry?"] + +It seemed quite unreasonable and absurd when we talked it over that +Arthur and I should travel from Cologne to Dover merely to witness the +nuptials of Dicky and Isabel. As Dicky pointed out, moreover, our moral +support when it came to the interview with Mrs. Portheris would be much +more valuable if it were united. There would be the registrar--one +registrar would do--and there would be the opportunity of making it a +square party. These were Dicky's arguments; Arthur's were more personal +but equally convincing, and I must admit that I thought a good deal of +the diplomatic anticipation of that magnificent wedding which was to +illustrate and adorn the survival of the methods of the Doge of Venice +in the family of a Senator of Chicago. And thus it was that we were all +married sociably together in Dover the following morning, despatching a +telegram immediately afterwards to the Senator at the Cologne hotel as +follows: + + "We have eloped. + (Signed) R. and I. Dod. + A. and M. Page." + +Later on in the day we added details, to show that we bore no malice, +and announced that we were prepared to await the arrival of the rest of +the party for any length of time at Dover. + +We even went down to the station to meet them, where recriminations and +congratulations were so mingled that it was impossible, for some time, +to tell whether we were most blessed or banned. Even in the confusion of +the moment, however, I noticed that Mr. Mafferton made Miss Callis's +baggage his special care, and saw clearly in the cordiality of her +sentiments toward me, and the firmness of her manner in ordering him +about, that the future peer had reached his last alternative. + +I rejoice to add that the day also showed that even Count Filgiatti had +fallen, in the general ordering of fates, upon happiness with honour. I +noticed that Emmeline vigorously protected him from the Customs officer +who wished to confiscate his cigarettes, and I mentioned her air of +proprietorship to her father. + +"Why, yes," said Mr. Malt, "he offered himself as a count you see, and +Emmeline seemed to think she'd like to have one, so I closed with him. +There isn't anything likely to come of it for three or four years, but +he's willing to wait, and she's got to grow." + +I expressed my felicitations, and Mr. Malt added somewhat regretfully +that it would have been better if he'd had more in his clothes, but that +was what you had to expect with counts; as a rule they didn't seem to +have what you might call any money use for pockets. In the meantime +they were taking him home to educate him in the duties of American +citizenship. Emmeline put it to me briefly, "I'm not any Daisy Miller," +she said, "and I prefer to live out of Rome." + +Once a year the present Lady Mafferton invites Mrs. Portheris to tea, +and I know they discuss my theory of engagements in a critical spirit. +We have never seen either Miss Nancy or Miss Cora Bingham again, and I +should have forgotten the names of Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson by this +time if I had not written them down in earlier chapters. Arthur and I +have not yet made up our minds to another visit to England. We have +several friends there, however, whom we appreciate exceedingly, in +spite, as we often say to one another, of their absurd and deplorable +accent. + + +THE END. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +Miss F.F. Montrésor's Books. Uniform Edition. Each, +16MO, Cloth. + + +_AT THE CROSS-ROADS._ $1.50. + +"Miss Montrésor has the skill in writing of Olive Schreiner and Miss +Harraden, added to the fullness of knowledge of life which is a chief +factor in the success of George Eliot and Mrs. Humphry Ward.... There is +as much strength in this book as in a dozen ordinary successful +novels."--_London Literary World._ + +"I commend it to all my readers who like a strong, cheerful, beautiful +story. It is one of the truly notable books of the season."--_Cincinnati +Commercial Tribune._ + + +_FALSE COIN OR TRUE?_ $1.25. + +"One of the few true novels of the day.... It is powerful, and touched +with a delicate insight and strong impressions of life and character.... +The author's theme is original, her treatment artistic, and the book is +remarkable for its unflagging interest."--_Philadelphia Record._ + +"The tale never flags in interest, and once taken up will not be laid +down until the last page is finished."--_Boston Budget._ + +"A well-written novel, with well-depicted characters and well-chosen +scenes."--_Chicago News._ + +"A sweet, tender, pure, and lovely story."--_Buffalo Commercial._ + + +_THE ONE WHO LOOKED ON._ $1.25. + +"A tale quite unusual, entirely unlike any other, full of a strange +power and realism, and touched with a fine humor."--_London World._ + +"One of the most remarkable and powerful of the year's contributions, +worthy to stand with Ian Maclaren's."--_British Weekly._ + +"One of the rare books which can be read with great pleasure and +recommended without reservation. It is fresh, pure, sweet, and pathetic, +with a pathos which is perfectly wholesome."--_St. Paul Globe._ + +"The story is an intensely human one and it is delightfully told.... The +author shows a marvelous keenness in character analysis, and a marked +ingenuity in the development of her story."--_Boston Advertiser._ + + +_INTO THE HIGHWAYS AND HEDGES._ $1.50. + +"A touch of idealism, of nobility of thought and purpose, mingled with +an air of reality and well-chosen expression, are the most notable +features of a book that has not the ordinary defects of such qualities. +With all its elevation of utterance and spirituality of outlook and +insight it is wonderfully free from overstrained or exaggerated matter, +and it has glimpses of humor. Most of the characters are vivid, yet +there are restraint and sobriety in their treatment, and almost all are +carefully and consistently evolved."--_London Athenæum._ + +"'Into the Highways and Hedges' is a book not of promise only, but of +high achievement. It is original, powerful, artistic, humorous. It +places the author at a bound in the rank of those artists to whom we +look for the skillful presentation of strong personal impressions of +life and character."--_London Daily News._ + +"The pure idealism of 'Into the Highways and Hedges' does much to redeem +modern fiction from the reproach it has brought upon itself.... The +story is original, and told with great refinement."--_Philadelphia +Public Ledger._ + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK. + + + + +D. APPLETON & CO.'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +RICHARD MALCOLM JOHNSTON'S STORIES. + + +_WIDOW GUTHRIE._ Illustrated by E.W. Kemble. 12mo. Cloth, +$1.50. + +"The Widow Guthrie stands out more boldly than any other figure we +know--a figure curiously compounded of cynical hardness, blind love, and +broken-hearted pathos.... A strong and interesting study of Georgia +characteristics without depending upon dialect. There is just sufficient +mannerism and change of speech to give piquancy to the whole."--_Baltimore +Sun._ + +"Southern humor is droll and thoroughly genuine, and Colonel Johnston is +one of its prophets. The Widow Guthrie is admirably drawn. She would +have delighted Thackeray. The story which bears her name is one of the +best studies of Southern life which we possess."--_Christian Union._ + + +_THE PRIMES AND THEIR NEIGHBORS._ Illustrated by Kemble, Frost, +and others. 12mo. Cloth, uniform with "Widow Guthrie," $1.25. Also in +paper, not illustrated, 50 cents. + +"The South ought to erect a monument in gratitude to Richard Malcolm +Johnston. While scores of writers have been looking for odd Southern +characters and customs and writing them up as curiosities, Mr. Johnston +has been content to tell stories in which all the people are such as +might be found in almost any Southern village before the war, and the +incidents are those of the social life of the people, uncomplicated by +anything which happened during the late unpleasantness."--_New York +Herald._ + +"These ten short stories are full of queer people, who not only talk but +act in a sort of dialect. Their one interest is their winning oddity. +They are as truly native to the soil as are the people of 'Widow +Guthrie.' In both books the humor is genuine, and the local coloring is +bright and attractive."--_New York Commercial Advertiser._ + + +_THE CHRONICLES OF MR. BILL WILLIAMS._ (Dukesborough Tales.) 12mo. +Paper, 50 cents; cloth, with Portrait of the Author, $1.00. + +"A delightful originality characterizes these stories, which may take a +high rank in our native fiction that depicts the various phases of the +national life. Their humor is equally genuine and keen, and their pathos +is delicate and searching."--_Boston Saturday Evening Gazette._ + +"Stripped of their bristling envelope of dialect, the core of these +experiences emerges as lumps of pure comedy, as refreshing as traveler's +trees in a thirsty land; and the literary South may be grateful that it +has a living writer able and willing to cultivate a neglected patch of +its wide domain with such charming skill."--_The Critic._ + + +_MR. FORTNER'S MARITAL CLAIMS, and Other Stories._ 16mo. Boards, 50 +cents. + +"When the last story is finished we feel, in imitation of Oliver Twist, +like asking for more."--_Public Opinion._ + +"Quaint and lifelike pictures, as characteristic in dialect as in +description, of Georgia scenes and characters, and the quaintness of its +humor is entertaining and delightful."--_Washington Public Opinion._ + + * * * * * + +D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue. New York. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +BEATRICE WHITBY'S NOVELS. Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents. + + +_SUNSET._ + +"'Sunset' will fully meet the expectations of Miss Whitby's many +admirers, while for those (if such there be) who may not know her former +books it will form a very appetizing introduction to these justly +popular stories."--_London Globe._ + + +_THE AWAKENING OF MARY FENWICK._ + +"Miss Whitby is far above the average novelist.... This story is +original without seeming ingenious, and powerful without being +overdrawn."--_New York Commercial Advertiser._ + + +_PART OF THE PROPERTY._ + +"The book is a thoroughly good one. The theme is the rebellion of a +spirited girl against a match which has been arranged for her without +her knowledge or consent.... It is refreshing to read a novel in which +there is not a trace of slipshod work."--_London Spectator._ + + +_A MATTER OF SKILL._ + +"A very charming love story, whose heroine is drawn with original skill +and beauty, and whom everybody will love for her splendid if very +independent character."--_Boston Home Journal._ + + +_ONE REASON WHY._ + +"A remarkably well-written story.... The author makes her people speak +the language of everyday life, and a vigorous and attractive realism +pervades the book."--_Boston Saturday Evening Gazette._ + + +_IN THE SUNTIME OF HER YOUTH._ + +"The story has a refreshing air of novelty, and the people that figure +in it are depicted with a vivacity and subtlety that are very +attractive."--_Boston Beacon._ + + +_MARY FENWICK'S DAUGHTER._ + +"A novel which will rank high among those of the present +season."-_Boston Advertiser._ + + +_ON THE LAKE OF LUCERNE, and other Stories._ 16mo. Boards, with +specially designed cover, 50 cents. + +"Six short stories carefully and conscientiously finished, and told with +the graceful ease of the practiced _raconteur_."--_Literary Digest._ + +"Very dainty, not only in mechanical workmanship but in matter and +manner."--_Boston Advertiser._ + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +SOME NOTABLE AMERICAN FICTION in APPLETONS' TOWN AND COUNTRY LIBRARY. +Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents. + + +_A COLONIAL FREE-LANCE._ By Chauncey C. Hotchkiss, +author of "In Defiance of the King." + +"We have had stories of the Revolution dealing with its statesmen, its +soldiers, and its home life, but the good books relating to adventure by +sea have been few and far between. The best of these for many a moon is +'A Colonial Free-Lance' There is a rattle and dash, a continuity of +adventure that constantly chains the reader's attention and makes the +book delightful reading."--_Philadelphia Inquirer._ + + +_THE SUN OF SARATOGA._ By Joseph A. Altsheler. + +"Taken altogether, 'The Sun of Saratoga' is the best historical novel of +American origin that has been written for years, if not, indeed, in a +fresh, simple, unpretending, unlabored, manly way, that we have ever +read."--_New York Mail and Express._ + + +_MASTER ARDICK, BUCCANEER._ By F.H. Costello. + +"This story is one of the real old-fashioned kind that novel readers +will take delight in perusing. There are incident and adventure in +plenty. The characters are bold, knightly, and chivalrous, and +delightful entertainers."--_Boston Courier._ + + +_THE INTRIGUERS._ A Novel. By John D. Barry. + +"The story is a wholesome, enlivening bit of romance. It rings pure and +sweet, and is most happy in its characterizations."--_Boston Herald._ + +"A bright society novel, sparkling with wit and entertaining from +beginning to end."--_Boston Times._ + + +_IN DEFIANCE OF THE KING._ A Romance of the American Revolution. By +Chauncey C. Hotchkiss. + +"Thrills from beginning to end with the spirit of the Revolution.... His +whole story is so absorbing that you will sit up far into the night to +finish it, and lay it aside with the feeling that you have seen a +gloriously true picture of the Revolution."--_Boston Herald._ + + +_IN OLD NEW ENGLAND._ The Romance of a Colonial Fireside. By +Hezekiah Butterworth. + +"We do not remember any other volume which holds within its covers a +series of such charming legends and traditions of New England's earlier +history.... 'In Old New England' possesses a charm rare indeed. It will +be welcomed by young and old alike."--_New York Mail and Express._ + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Voyage of Consolation, by Sara Jeannette Duncan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION *** + +***** This file should be named 15966-8.txt or 15966-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/9/6/15966/ + +Produced by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries +(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto), Suzanne Lybarger, +Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. (www.pgdp.net) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Voyage of Consolation + (being in the nature of a sequel to the experiences of 'An + American girl in London') + +Author: Sara Jeannette Duncan + +Release Date: June 1, 2005 [EBook #15966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION *** + + + + +Produced by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries +(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto), Suzanne Lybarger, +Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. (www.pgdp.net) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + + + + +<p><br /></p> + +<h2>A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION</h2> + +<p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + + +<h4>BOOKS BY MRS. EVERARD COTES</h4> +<h5>(SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN).</h5> + +<h6>UNIFORM EDITION.</h6> + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>A Voyage of Consolation.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>His Honour, and a Lady.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>The Story of Sonny Sahib.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>Vernon's Aunt.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With many Illustrations. 12mo. Cloth, $1.25.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>A Daughter of To-Day.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">A Novel. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>A Social Departure.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">HOW ORTHODOCIA AND I WENT ROUND THE WORLD BY OURSELVES.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With 111 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">cents; cloth, $1.75.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>An American Girl in London.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With 80 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">cents; cloth, $1.50.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><b>The Simple Adventures of a Memsahib.</b></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With 37 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue.<br /><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus004"></a><img src="./images/illus004.jpg" alt="Jamais!" title="Jamais!" /></div> + +<h5>Jamais!</h5> +<p><span style="margin-left: 28em;">(See page <a href="#Jamais"><i>156</i></a>)</span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION</h2> + +<p>(BEING IN THE NATURE OF A SEQUEL TO THE EXPERIENCES OF "AN AMERICAN GIRL +IN LONDON")</p> + +<h3>BY</h3> + +<h3>SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN (MRS. EVERARD COTES)</h3> + +<p>AUTHOR OF</p> + +<p>A SOCIAL DEPARTURE, AN AMERICAN GIRL IN LONDON, A DAUGHTER OF TO-DAY, +VERNON's AUNT, THE STORY OF SONNY SAHIB, HIS HONOUR AND A LADY, ETC.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="./images/emblem.jpg" alt="Emblem" title="Emblem" /></div> + + +<p><i>ILLUSTRATED</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + +<p>NEW YORK</p> + +<p>D. APPLETON AND COMPANY</p> + +<p>1898</p> + +<p>Copyright, 1897, 1898,</p> + +<p>BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + + +<h2>Contents</h2> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">CHAPTER IV</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_V">CHAPTER V</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_VI">CHAPTER VI</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">CHAPTER VII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">CHAPTER VIII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">CHAPTER IX</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_X">CHAPTER X</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XI">CHAPTER XI</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XII">CHAPTER XII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">CHAPTER XIII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">CHAPTER XIV</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XV">CHAPTER XV</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">CHAPTER XVI</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">CHAPTER XVII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XIX">CHAPTER XIX</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XX">CHAPTER XX</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXI">CHAPTER XXI</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXII">CHAPTER XXII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII">CHAPTER XXIII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV">CHAPTER XXIV</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXV">CHAPTER XXV</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI">CHAPTER XXVI</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXVII">CHAPTER XXVII</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CHAPTER_XXVIII">CHAPTER XXVIII</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + +<p>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus004">"Jamais!"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus045">Momma was enjoying herself</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus056">"I expect you've seen these before"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus112">Breakfast with Dicky Dod</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus155">"Are you paid to make faces?"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus186">We followed the monks</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus208">Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus215">We were sitting in a narrow balcony</a> </span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus231">"I'm not a crowned head!"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus281">"Do you see?"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus292">Fervent apologies</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><a href="#illus351">"Whom <i>are</i> you going to marry?"</a> </span><br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION.</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I.</h2> + + +<p>It seems inexcusable to remind the public that one has written a book. +Poppa says I ought not to feel that way about it—that he might just as +well be shy about referring to the baking soda that he himself +invented—but I do, and it is with every apology that I mention it. I +once had such a good time in England that I printed my experiences, and +at the very end of the volume it seemed necessary to admit that I was +engaged to Mr. Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale College, Connecticut. I +remember thinking this was indiscreet at the time, but I felt compelled +to bow to the requirements of fiction. I was my own heroine, and I had +to be disposed of. There seemed to be no alternative. I did not wish to +marry Mr. Mafferton, even for literary purposes, and Peter Corke's +suggestion, that I should cast myself overboard in mid-ocean at the mere +idea of living anywhere out of England for the future, was +autobiographically impossible even if I had felt so inclined. So I +committed the indiscretion. In order that the world might be assured +that my heroine married and lived happily ever afterwards, I took it +prematurely into my confidence regarding my intention. The thing that +occurred, as naturally and inevitably as the rain if you leave your +umbrella at home, was that within a fortnight after my return to Chicago +my engagement to Mr. Page terminated; and the even more painful +consequence is that I feel obliged on that account to refer to it again.</p> + +<p>Even an American man has his lapses into unreasonableness. Arthur +especially encouraged the idea of my going to England on the ground that +it would be so formative. He said that to gaze upon the headsman's block +in the Tower was in itself a liberal education. As we sat together in +the drawing-room—momma and poppa always preferred the sitting-room when +Arthur was there—he used to gild all our future with the culture which +I should acquire by actual contact with the hoary traditions of Great +Britain. He advised me earnestly to disembark at Liverpool in a +receptive and appreciative, rather than a critical and antagonistic, +state of mind, to endeavour to assimilate all that was worth +assimilating over there, remembering that this might give me as much as +I wanted to do in the time. I remember he expressed himself rather +finely about the only proper attitude for Americans visiting England +being that of magnanimity, and about the claims of kinship, only once +removed, to our forbearance and affection. He put me on my guard, so to +speak, about only one thing, and that was spelling. American spelling, +he said, had become national, and attachment to it ranked next to +patriotism. Such words as "color," "program," "center," had obsolete +English forms which I could only acquire at the sacrifice of my +independence, and the surrender of my birthright to make such +improvements upon the common language as I thought desirable. And I know +that I was at some inconvenience to mention "color," "program," and +"center," in several of my letters just to assure Mr. Page that my +orthography was not in the least likely to be undermined.</p> + +<p>Indeed, I took his advice at every point. I hope I do not presume in +asking you to remember that I did. I know I was receptive, even to penny +buns, and sometimes simply wild with appreciation. I found it as easy as +possible to subdue the critical spirit, even in connection with things +which I should never care to approve of. I shook hands with Lord +Mafferton without the slightest personal indignation with him for being +a peer, and remember thinking that if he had been a duke I should have +had just the same charity for him. Indeed, I was sorry, and am still +sorry, that during the four months I spent in England I didn't meet a +single duke. This is less surprising than it looks, as they are known to +be very scarce, and at least a quarter of a million Americans visit +Great Britain every year; but I should like to have known one or two. As +it was, four or five knights—knights are very thick—one baronet, Lord +Mafferton, one marquis—but we had no conversation—one colonel of +militia, one Lord Mayor, and a Horse Guard, rank unknown, comprise my +acquaintance with the aristocracy. A duke or so would have completed the +set. And the magnanimity which I would so willingly have stretched to +include a duke spread itself over other British institutions as amply as +Arthur could have wished. When I saw things in Hyde Park on Sunday that +I was compelled to find excuses for, I thought of the tyrant's iron +heel; and when I was obliged to overlook the superiorities of the titled +great, I reflected upon the difficulty of walking in iron heels without +inconveniencing a prostrate population. I should defy anybody to be more +magnanimous than I was.</p> + +<p>As to the claims of kinship, only once removed, to our forbearance and +affection, I never so much as sat out a dance on a staircase with Oddie +Pratte without recognising them.</p> + +<p>It seems almost incredible that Arthur should not have been gratified, +but the fact remains that he was not. Anyone could see, after the first +half hour, that he was not. During the first half hour it is, of course, +impossible to notice anything. We had sunk to the level of generalities +when I happened to mention Oddie.</p> + +<p>"He had darker hair than you have, dear," I said, "and his eyes were +blue. Not sky blue, or china blue, but a kind of sea blue on a cloudy +day. He had rather good eyes," I added reminiscently.</p> + +<p>"Had he?" said Arthur.</p> + +<p>"But your noses," I went on reassuringly, "were not to be compared with +each other."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said Arthur.</p> + +<p>"He <i>was</i> so impulsive!" I couldn't help smiling a little at the +recollection. "But for that matter they all were."</p> + +<p>"Impulsive?" asked Arthur.</p> + +<p>"Yes. Ridiculously so. They thought as little of proposing as of asking +one to dance."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said Arthur.</p> + +<p>"Of course, I never accepted any of them, even for a moment. But they +had such a way of taking things for granted. Why one man actually +thought I was engaged to him!"</p> + +<p>"Really!" said Arthur. "May I inquire——"</p> + +<p>"No, dear," I replied, "I think not. I couldn't tell anybody about +it—for his sake. It was all a silly mistake. Some of them," I added +thoughtfully, "were very stupid."</p> + +<p>"Judging from the specimens that find their way over here," Arthur +remarked, "I should say there was plenty of room in their heads for +their brains."</p> + +<p>Arthur was sitting on the other side of the fireplace, and by this time +his expression was aggressive. I thought his remark unnecessarily +caustic, but I did not challenge it.</p> + +<p>"<i>Some</i> of them were stupid," I repeated, "but they were nearly all +nice." And I went on to say that what Chicago people as a whole thought +about it I didn't know and I didn't care, but so far as <i>my</i> experience +went the English were the loveliest nation in the world.</p> + +<p>"A nation like a box of strawberries," Mr. Page suggested, "all the big +ones on top, all the little ones at the bottom."</p> + +<p>"That doesn't matter to us," I replied cheerfully, "we never get any +further than the top. And you'll admit there's a great tendency for +little ones to shake down. It's only a question of time. They've had so +much time in England. You see the effects of it everywhere."</p> + +<p>"Not at all. By no means. <i>Our</i> little strawberries rise," he declared.</p> + +<p>"Do they? Dear me, so they do! I suppose the American law of gravity is +different. In England they would certainly smile at that."</p> + +<p>Arthur said nothing, but his whole bearing expressed a contempt for +puns.</p> + +<p>"Of course," I said, "I mean the loveliest nation after Americans."</p> + +<p>I thought he might have taken that for granted. Instead, he looked +incredulous and smiled, in an observing, superior way.</p> + +<p>"Why do you say 'ahfter'?" he asked. His tone was sweetly acidulated.</p> + +<p>"Why do you say 'affter'?" I replied simply.</p> + +<p>"Because," he answered with quite unnecessary emphasis, "in the part of +the world I come from everybody says it. Because my mother has brought +me up to say it."</p> + +<p>"Oh," I said, looking at the lamp, "they say it like that in other parts +of the world too. In Yorkshire—and such places. As far as <i>mothers</i> go, +I must tell you that momma approves of my pronunciation. She likes it +better than anything else I have brought back with me—even my +tailor-mades—and thinks it wonderful that I should have acquired it in +the time."</p> + +<p>"Don't you think you could remember a little of your good old American? +Doesn't it seem to come back to you?"</p> + +<p>All the Wicks hate sarcasm, especially from those they love, and I +certainly had not outgrown my fondness for Mr. Page at this time.</p> + +<p>"It all came back to me, my dear Arthur," I said, "the moment you opened +your lips!"</p> + +<p>At that not only Mr. Page's features and his shirt front, but his whole +personality seemed to stiffen. He sat up and made an outward movement on +the seat of his chair which signified, "My hat and overcoat are in the +hall, and if you do not at once retract——"</p> + +<p>"Rather than allow anything to issue from them which would imply that I +was not an American I would keep them closed for ever," he said.</p> + +<p>"You needn't worry about that," I observed. "Nothing ever will. But I +don't know why we should <i>glory</i> in talking through our noses." +Involuntarily I played with my engagement ring, slipping it up and +down, as I spoke.</p> + +<p>Arthur rose with an expression of tolerant amusement—entirely +forced—and stood by the fireplace. He stood beside it, with his elbow +on the mantelpiece, not in front of it with his legs apart, and I +thought with a pang how much more graceful the American attitude was.</p> + +<p>"Have you come back to tell us that we talk through our noses?" he +asked.</p> + +<p>"I don't like being called an Anglomaniac," I replied, dropping my ring +from one finger to another. Fortunately I was sitting in a rocking +chair—the only one I had not been able to persuade momma to have taken +out of the drawing-room. The rock was a considerable relief to my +nerves.</p> + +<p>"I knew that the cockneys on the other side were fond of inventing +fictions about what they are pleased to call the 'American accent,'" +continued Mr. Page, with a scorn which I felt in the very heels of my +shoes, "but I confess I thought you too patriotic to be taken in by +them."</p> + +<p>"Taken in by them" was hard to bear, but I thought if I said nothing at +this point we might still have a peaceful evening. So I kept silence.</p> + +<p>"Of course, I speak as a mere product of the American Constitution—a +common unit of the democracy," he went on, his sentences gathering wrath +as he rolled them out, "but if there were such a thing as an American +accent, I think I've lived long enough, and patrolled this little Union +of ours extensively enough, to hear it by this time. But it appears to +be necessary to reside four months in England, mixing freely with earls +and countesses, to detect it."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps it is," I said, and I <i>may</i> have smiled.</p> + +<p>"I should hate to pay the price."</p> + +<p>Mr. Page's tone distinctly expressed that the society of earls and +countesses would be, to him, contaminating.</p> + +<p>Again I made no reply. I wanted the American accent to drop out of the +conversation, if possible, but Fate had willed it otherwise.</p> + +<p>"I sai, y'know, awfly hard luck, you're havin' to settle down amongst +these barbarians again, bai Jove!"</p> + +<p>I am not quite sure that it's a proper term for use in a book, but by +this time I was <i>mad</i>. There was criticism in my voice, and a distinct +chill as I said composedly, "You don't do it very well."</p> + +<p>I did not look at him, I looked at the lamp, but there was that in the +air which convinced me that we had arrived at a crisis.</p> + +<p>"I suppose not. I'm not a marquis, nor the end man at a minstrel show. +I'm only an American, like sixty million other Americans, and the +language of Abraham Lincoln is good enough for me. But I suppose I, like +the other sixty million, emit it through my nose!"</p> + +<p>"I should be sorry to contradict you," I said.</p> + +<p>Arthur folded his arms and gathered himself up until he appeared to +taper from his stem like a florist's bouquet, and all the upper part of +him was pink and trembling with emotion. Arthur may one day attain +corpulence; he is already well rounded.</p> + +<p>"I need hardly say," he said majestically, "that when I did myself the +honour of proposing, I was under the impression that I had a suitable +larynx to offer you."</p> + +<p>"You see I didn't know," I murmured, and by accident I dropped my +engagement ring, which rolled upon the carpet at his feet. He stooped +and picked it up.</p> + +<p>"Shall I take this with me?" he asked, and I said "By all means."</p> + +<p>That was all.</p> + +<p>I gave ten minutes to reflection and to the possibility of Arthur's +coming back and pleading, on his knees, to be allowed to restore that +defective larynx. Then I went straight upstairs to the telephone and +rang up the Central office. When they replied "<i>Hello</i>," I said, in the +moderate and concentrated tone which we all use through telephones, "Can +you give me New York?"</p> + +<p>Poppa was in New York, and in an emergency poppa and I always turn to +one another. There was a delay, during which I listened attentively, +with one eye closed—I believe it is the sign of an unbalanced intellect +to shut one eye when you use the telephone, but I needn't go into +that—and presently I got New York. In a few minutes more I was +accommodated with the Fifth Avenue Hotel.</p> + +<p>"Mr. T.P. Wick, of Chicago," I demanded.</p> + +<p>"<i>Is his room number Sixty-two?</i>"</p> + +<p>That is the kind of mind which you usually find attached to the New York +end of a trans-American telephone. But one does not bandy words across a +thousand miles of country with a hotel clerk, so I merely responded:</p> + +<p>"Very probably."</p> + +<p>There was a pause, and then the still small voice came again.</p> + +<p>"<i>Mr. Wick is in bed at present. Anything important?</i>"</p> + +<p>I reflected that while I in Chicago was speaking to the hotel clerk at +half-past nine o'clock, the hotel clerk in New York was speaking to me +at eleven. This in itself was enough to make our conversation +disjointed.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I responded, "it is important. Ask Mr. Wick to get out of bed."</p> + +<p>Sufficient time elapsed to enable poppa to put on his clothes and come +down by the elevator, and then I heard:</p> + +<p>"<i>Mr. Wick is now speaking</i>."</p> + +<p>"Yes, poppa," I replied, "I guess you are. Your old American accent +comes singing across in a way that no member of your family would ever +mistake. But you needn't be stiff about it. Sorry to disturb you."</p> + +<p>Poppa and I were often personal in our intercourse. I had not the +slightest hesitation in mentioning his American accent.</p> + +<p>"<i>Hello, Mamie! Don't mention it. What's up? House on fire? Water pipes +burst? Strike in the kitchen? Sound the alarm—send for the +plumber—raise Gladys's wages and sack Marguerite</i>."</p> + +<p>"My engagement to Mr. Page is broken. Do you get me? What do you +suggest?"</p> + +<p>I heard a whistle, which I cannot express in italics, and then, +confidentially:</p> + +<p>"<i>You don't say so! Bad break?</i>"</p> + +<p>"Very," I responded firmly.</p> + +<p>"<i>Any details of the disaster available? What?</i>"</p> + +<p>"Not at present," I replied, for it would have been difficult to send +them by telephone.</p> + +<p>I could hear poppa considering the matter at the other end. He coughed +once or twice and made some indistinct inquiries of the hotel clerk. +Then he called my attention again.</p> + +<p>"<i>Hello!</i>" he said. "<i>On to me? All right. Go abroad. Always done. +Paris, Venice, Florence, Rome, and the other places. I'll stand in. +Germanic sails Wednesdays. Start by night train to-morrow. Bring momma. +We can get Germanic in good shape and ten minutes to spare. Right?</i>"</p> + +<p>"Right," I responded, and hung up the handle. I did not wish to keep +poppa out of bed any longer than was necessary, he was already up so +much later than I was. I turned away from the instrument to go down +stairs again, and there, immediately behind me, stood momma.</p> + +<p>"Well, really!" I exclaimed. It did not occur to me that the privacy of +telephonic communication between Chicago and New York was not +inviolable. Besides, there are moments when one feels a little annoyed +with one's momma for having so lightly undertaken one's existence. This +was one of them. But I decided not to express it.</p> + +<p>"I was only going to say," I remarked, "that if I had shrieked it would +have been your fault."</p> + +<p>"I knew everything," said momma, "the minute I heard him shut the gate. +I came up immediately, and all this time, dear, you've been confiding in +us both. My dear daughter."</p> + +<p>Momma carries about with her a well-spring of sentiment, which she did +not bequeath to me. In that respect I take almost entirely after my +other parent.</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said, "then I won't have to do it again."</p> + +<p>Her look of disappointment compelled me to speak with decision. "I know +what you would like at this juncture, momma. You'd like me to get down +on the floor and put my head in your lap and weep all over your new +brocade. That's what you'd really enjoy. But, under circumstances like +these, I never do things like that. Now the question is, can you get +ready to start for Europe to-morrow night, or have you a headache coming +on?"</p> + +<p>Momma said that she expected Mrs. Judge Simmons to tea to-morrow +afternoon, that she hadn't been thinking of it, and that she was out of +nerve tincture. At least, these were her principal objections. I said, +on mature consideration, I didn't see why Mrs. Simmons shouldn't come to +tea, that there were twenty-four hours for all necessary thinking, and +that a gallon of nerve tincture, if required, could be at her disposal +in ten minutes.</p> + +<p>"Being Protestants," I added, "I suppose a convent wouldn't be of any +use to us—what do you think?"</p> + +<p>Momma thought she could go.</p> + +<p>There was no need for hurry, and I attended to only one other matter +before I went to bed. That was a communication to the <i>Herald</i>, which I +sent off in plenty of time to appear in the morning. It was addressed to +the Society Editor, and ran as follows:</p> + +<p>"The marriage arranged between Professor Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale +University, and Miss Mamie Wick, of 1453, Lakeside-avenue, Chicago, will +not take place. Mr. and Mrs. Wick, and Miss Wick, sail for Europe on +Wednesday by s.s. Germanic."</p> + +<p>I reflected, as I closed my eyes, that Arthur was a regular reader of +the <i>Herald</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II.</h2> + + +<p>We met poppa on the Germanic gangway, his hat on the back of his head +and one finger in each of his waistcoat pockets, an attitude which, with +him, always betokens concern. The vessel was at that stage of departure +when the people who have been turned off are feeling injured that it +should have been done so soon, and apparently only the weight of poppa's +personality on its New York end kept the gangway out. As we drove up he +appeared to lift his little finger and three dishevelled navigators +darted upon the cab. They and we and our trunks swept up the gangway +together, which immediately closed behind us, under the direction of an +extremely irritated looking Chief Officer. We reunited as a family as +well as we could in connection with uncoiled ropes and ship discipline. +Then poppa, with his watch in his hand, exclaimed reproachfully, well in +hearing of the Chief Officer, "I gave you ten minutes and you <i>had</i> ten +minutes. You stopped at Huyler's for candy, I'll lay my last depreciated +dollar on it."</p> + +<p>My other parent looked guiltily at some oblong boxes tied up in white +paper with narrow red ribbon, which, innocently enough I consider, +enhance the value of life to us both. But she ignored the charge—momma +hates arguments.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" she said, as the space widened between us and the docks. "So +we are all going to Europe together this morning! I can hardly realise +it. Farewell America! How interesting life is."</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied poppa. "And now I guess I'd better show you your cabins +before it gets any more interesting."</p> + +<p>We had a calm evening, though nothing would induce momma to think so, +and at ten o'clock Senator J.P. Wick and I were still pacing the deck +talking business. The moon rose, and threw Arthur's shadow across our +conversation, but we looked at it with precision and it moved away. That +is one of poppa's most comforting characteristics, he would as soon open +his bosom to a shot-gun as to a confidence. He asked for details through +the telephone merely for bravado. As a matter of fact, if I had begun to +send them he would have rung off the connection and said it was an +accident. We dipped into politics, and I told the Senator that while I +considered his speech on the Silver Compromise a credit to the family on +the whole, I thought he had let himself out somewhat unnecessarily at +the expense of the British nation.</p> + +<p>"We are always twisting a tail," I said reproachfully, "that does +nothing but wag at us."</p> + +<p>This poppa reluctantly admitted with the usual reference to the Irish +vote. We both hoped sincerely that any English friends who saw that +speech, and paused to realise that the orator was a parent of mine, +would consider the number of Irish resident in Illinois, and the amount +of invective which their feelings require. Poppa doesn't really know +sometimes whether he is himself or a shillelagh, but whatever his +temporary political capacity he is never ungrateful. He went on to give +me the particulars of his interview with the President about the Chicago +Post Office, and then I gradually unfolded my intention of preparing our +foreign experiences as a family for publication in book form. While I +was unfolding it poppa eyed me askance.</p> + +<p>"Is that usual?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"Very usual indeed," I replied.</p> + +<p>"I mean—under the circumstances?"</p> + +<p>"Under what circumstances?" I demanded boldly. I knew that nothing would +induce him to specify them.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I only meant—it wasn't exactly my idea."</p> + +<p>"What was your idea—exactly?" It was mean of me to put poppa to the +blush, but I had to define the situation.</p> + +<p>"Oh," said he, with unlooked-for heroism, "I was basing my calculations +with reference to you on the distractions of change—Paris dry-goods, +rowing round Venice in gondolas, riding through the St. Gothard tunnel, +and the healing hand of time. I don't intend to give a day less than six +weeks to it. I'm looking forward to the tranquilising effect of the +antique some myself," he added, hedging. "I find these new self-risers +that we've undertaken to carry almost more than my temperament can +stand. They went up from an output of five hundred dollars to six +hundred and fifty thousand, and back again inside seven days last month. +I'm looking forward to examining something that hasn't moved for a +couple of thousand years with considerable pleasure."</p> + +<p>"Poppa," said I, ignoring the self-risers, "if you were as particular +about the quality of your fiction as you are about the quality of your +table-butter, you would know that the best heroines never have recourse +to such measures now. They are simply obsolete. Except for my literary +intention, I should be ashamed to go to Europe at all—under the +circumstances. But that, you see, brings the situation up to date. I +transmit my European impressions through the prism of damaged affection. +Nothing could be more modern."</p> + +<p>"I see," replied poppa, rubbing his chin searchingly, which is his +manner of expressing sagacious doubt. His beard descends from the lower +part of his chin in the long unfettered American manner, without which +it is impossible for <i>Punch</i> to indicate a citizen of the United States. +When he positively disapproves he pulls it severely.</p> + +<p>"But Europe's been done before, you know," he continued. "In fact, I +don't know any continent more popular than Europe with people that want +to publish books of travel. It's been done before."</p> + +<p>"Never," I rejoined, "in connection with you, poppa!"</p> + +<p>Poppa removed his hand from his chin.</p> + +<p>"Oh, if I'm to assist, that's quite another anecdote," he said briskly. +"I didn't understand you intended to ring me in. Of course, I don't mean +to imply there is any special prejudice against books of travel in +Europe. About how many pages did you think of running it to?"</p> + +<p>"My idea was three hundred," I replied.</p> + +<p>"And how many words to a page?"</p> + +<p>"Two hundred and fifty—more or less."</p> + +<p>"That's seventy-five thousand words! Pretty big undertaking, if you look +at it in bulk."</p> + +<p>"We shall have to rely upon momma," I remarked.</p> + +<p>Poppa's expression disparaged the idea, and he began to feel round for +his beard.</p> + +<p>"If I were you," he said, "I wouldn't place much dependence on momma. +She'll be able to give you a few hints on sunsets and a pointer or two +about the various Venuses, likely—she's had photographs of several of +them in the house for years—but I expect it's going to be a question of +historical fact pretty often, and momma won't be in it. Not that I want +to choke momma off," he continued, "but she will necessitate a whole +reference library. And in some parts of Europe I believe they charge you +for every pound of luggage, including your lunch, if you don't happen to +have concealed it in your person."</p> + +<p>"We'll have to pin her down to the guide-books," I remarked.</p> + +<p>"That depends. I've always understood that the guide-book market was +largely controlled by Mr. Murray and Mr. Baedeker. Also, that Mr. Murray +writes in a vein of pretty lofty sentiment, while Mr. Baedeker is about +as interesting as a directory. Now where the right emotion is included +at the price I don't see the use of momma, but when it's a question of +Baedeker we might turn her on. See?"</p> + +<p>"Poppa," I replied with emotion, "you will both be invaluable. I will +bid you good-night. I believe the electric light burns all night long in +the smoking-cabin, but that is not supposed to indicate that gentlemen +are expected to stay there till dawn. I see you have two Havanas left. +That will be quite enough for one evening. Good-night, poppa."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III.</h2> + + +<p>All the way across momma implored me to become reconciled to Arthur. In +extreme moments, when it was very choppy, she composed telegrams on +lines which were to drive him wild with contrition without compromising +my dignity; and when I suggested the difficulty of tampering with the +Atlantic cable in mid-ocean without a diving machine, she wept, hinting +that, if I were a true daughter of hers, things would never have come to +such a pass. My position, from a filial point of view, was most trying. +I could not deny my responsibility for momma's woes—she never left her +cabin—yet I was powerless to put an end to them. Young women in novels +have thrown themselves into the arms of the wrong man under far less +parental pressure, but although it was indeed the hour the man was not +available. Neither, such was the irony of circumstances, would our +immediate union have affected the motion in the slightest degree. But +although I presented these considerations to momma many times a day, she +adhered so persistently to the idea of promoting a happy reunion that I +was obliged to keep a very careful eye on the possibility of +surreptitious messages from Liverpool. Once on dry land, however, momma +saw her duty in another light. I might say that she swallowed her +principles with the first meal she really enjoyed, after which she +expressed her conviction that it was best to let the dead past bury its +dead, so long as the obsequies did not necessitate her immediate return +to America.</p> + +<p>I was looking forward immensely to observing the Senator in London, +remembering the effect it had upon my own imagination, but on our +arrival he conducted himself in a manner which can only be described as +non-committal. He went about with his hands in his pockets, smoking +large cigars with an air of reserved criticism that vastly impressed the +waiters, acquiescing in strawberry jam for breakfast, for example, in a +manner which said that, although this might be to him a new and complex +custom, he was acquainted with Chicago ones much more recondite. His air +was superior, but modestly so, and if he said nothing you would never +suppose it was because he had nothing to say. He meant to give Great +Britain a chance before he pronounced anything distinctly unfavourable +even to her steaks, and in the meantime to remember what an up-to-date +American owes to his country's reputation in the hotels of a foreign +town.</p> + +<p>He was very much at his ease, and I saw him looking at a couple of just +introduced Englishmen embarking in conversation, as if he wondered what +could possibly be the matter with them. I am sorry that I can't say as +much for my other parent, but before monarchical institutions momma +weakened. She had moments of terrible indecision as to how to do her +hair, and I am certain it was not a matter of indifference to her that +she should make a good impression upon the head butler. Also, she +hesitated about examining the mounted Guardsman on duty at Whitehall, +preferring to walk past with a casual glance, as if she were accustomed +to see things quite as wonderful every day at home, whereas nothing to +approach it has ever existed in America, except in the imagination of +Mr. Barnum, and he is dead. And shopwalkers patronised her. I +congratulated myself sometimes that I was there to assert her dignity.</p> + +<p>I must be permitted to generalise in this way about our London +experiences because they only lasted a day and a half, and it is +impossible to get many particulars into that space. It was really a pity +we had so little time. Nothing would have been more interesting than to +bring momma into contact with the Poets' Corner, or introduce poppa to +the House of Lords, and watch the effect. I am sure, from what I know of +my parents, that the effect would have been crisp. But we decided that +six weeks was not too much to give to the Continent, also that an +opportunity, six weeks long, of absorbing Europe is not likely to occur +twice in the average American lifetime. We stayed over two or three +trains in London, however, just long enough to get in a background, as +it were, for our Continental experiences. The weather was typical, and +the background, from an artistic point of view, was perfect. While not +precisely opaque, you couldn't see through it anywhere.</p> + +<p>When it became a question of how we were to put in the time, it seemed +to momma as if she would rather lie down than anything.</p> + +<p>"You and your father, dear," she said, "might drive to St. Paul's, when +it stops raining. Have a good look at the dome and try to bring me back +the sound of the echo. It is said to be very weird. See that poppa +doesn't forget to take off his hat in the body of the church, but he +might put it on in the Whispering Gallery, where it is sure to be +draughty. And remember that the funeral coach of the Duke of Wellington +is down in the crypt, darling. You might bring me an impression of that. +I think I'll have a cup of chocolate and try to get a little sleep."</p> + +<p>"Is it," asked poppa, "the coach which the Duke sent to represent him at +the other people's funerals, or the one in which he attended his own?"</p> + +<p>"You can look that up," momma replied; "but my belief is that it was +presented to the Duke by a grateful nation after his demise. In which +case he couldn't possibly have used it more than once."</p> + +<p>I looked at momma reprovingly, but, seeing that she had no suspicion of +being humorous, I said nothing. The Senator pushed out his under lip and +pulled his beard.</p> + +<p>"I don't know about St. Paul's," he said; "wouldn't any other +impression do as well, momma? It doesn't seem to be just the weather for +crypts, and I don't suppose the hearse of a military man is going to +make the surroundings any more cheerful. Now, my idea is that when time +is limited you've got to let some things go. I'd let the historical go +every time. I'd let the instructive go—we can't drag around an idea of +the British Museum, for instance. I'd let ancient associations +go—unless you're particularly interested in the parties associated."</p> + +<p>I thought of the morning I once spent picking up details, traditions, +and remains of Dr. Johnson in various parts of the West Central +district, and privately sympathised with this view, though I felt +compelled to look severe. Momma, who was now lying down, dissented. +What, then, she demanded, had we crossed the ocean for?</p> + +<p>"Rather," said she, "where time is limited let us spread ourselves, so +to speak, over the area of culture available. This morning, for example, +you, husband, might ramble round the Tower and try to picture the +various tragedies that have been enacted there. You, daughter, might go +and bring us those impressions from St. Paul's, while I will content +myself with observing the manners of the British chambermaid. So far, I +must say, I think they are lovely. Thus, each doing what he can and she +can, we shall take back with us, as a family, more real benefit than we +could possibly obtain if we all derived it from the same source."</p> + +<p>"No," said poppa firmly. "I take exception to your theory right there, +Augusta. Culture is a very harmless thing, and there's no reason why you +shouldn't take it in, till your back gives out, every day we're here. +But I consider that we've got the article in very good shape in our +little town over there in Illinois, and personally I don't propose to go +nosing round after it in Europe. And as a family man I should hate to be +divided up for any such purpose."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if you're going to steel yourself against it, my love——"</p> + +<p>"Now, what Bramley said to me the day before we sailed was this—No, I'm +not steeling myself against it; my every pore is open to it—Bramley +said: 'Your time is limited, you can't see everything. Very well. See +the unique. Keep that in mind,' he said; 'the unique. And you'll be +surprised to find how very little there is in the world, outside +Chicago, that is unique.'"</p> + + +<p>"Applying that rule," continued the Senator, strolling up and down, "the +things to see in London are the Crystal Palace and the Albert Memorial. +Especially the Albert Memorial. That was a man who played second fiddle +to his wife, and enjoyed it, all his life long; and there he sits in +Hyde Park to-day, I understand, still receiving the respectful homage of +the nation—the only case on record."</p> + +<p>"Westminster Abbey would be much better <i>for</i> you," said momma.</p> + +<p>"Don't you think," I put in, "that if momma is to get any sleep——"</p> + +<p>"Certainly. Now, another thing that Bramley said was, 'Look here,' he +said, 'remember the Unattainable Elsewhere—and get it. You're likely to +be in London. Now the Unattainable Elsewhere, for that town, is +gentlemen's suitings. For style, price, and quality of goods the London +tailor leads the known universe. Wick,' he said—he was terribly in +earnest—'if you have <i>one hour</i> in London, leave your measure!'"</p> + +<p>"In that case," said momma, sitting up and ascertaining the condition of +her hair, "you would like me to be with you, love."</p> + +<p>Now, if momma doesn't like poppa's clothes, she always gives them away +without telling him. This would be thought arbitrary in England, and I +have certainly known the Senator suddenly reduced to great destitution +through it, but America is a free country, and there is no law to compel +us to see our male relations unbecomingly clad against our will.</p> + +<p>"Well, to tell the truth, Augusta," said poppa, "I would. I'd like to +get this measure through by a unanimous vote. It will save complications +afterwards. But are you sure you wouldn't rather lie down?"</p> + +<p>Momma replied to the effect that she wouldn't mind his going anywhere +else alone, but this was important. She put her gloves on as she spoke, +and her manner expressed that she was equal to any personal sacrifice +for the end in view.</p> + +<p>Colonel Bramley had given the Senator a sartorial address of repute, +and presently the hansom drew up before it, in Piccadilly. We went about +as a family in one hansom for sociability.</p> + +<p>"Look here, driver," said poppa through the roof, "have we got there?"</p> + +<p>The cabman, in a dramatic and resentful manner, pointed out the number +with his whip.</p> + +<p>"There's the address as was given to <i>me</i>, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, there's nothing to get mad about," said poppa sternly. "I'm +looking for Marcus Trippit, tailor and outfitter."</p> + +<p>"It's all right, sir. All on the brass plite on the door, sir. I can see +it puffickly from 'ere."</p> + +<p>The cabman seemed appeased, but his tone was still remonstrative.</p> + +<p>We all looked at the door with the brass plate. It was flanked on one +side by the offices of a house agent, on the other by a superior looking +restaurant.</p> + +<p>"There isn't the sign of a tailor about the premises," said poppa, +"except his name. I don't like the look of that."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," suggested momma, "it's his private address."</p> + +<p>"Well, I guess we don't want to call on Marcus, especially as we've got +no proper introduction. Driver, that isn't Mr. Trippit's place of +business. It's his home."</p> + +<p>We all craned up at the hole in the roof at once, like young birds, and +we all distinctly saw the driver smile.</p> + +<p>"No, sir, I don't think 'e'd put it up like that that 'e was a tyler, +not on 'is privit residence, sir. I think you'll find the business +premises on the fust or second floor, likely."</p> + +<p>"Where's his window?" the Senator demanded. "Where's his display? No, I +don't think Marcus will do for me. I'm not confiding enough. Now, <i>you</i> +don't happen to be able to recommend a tailor, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, I can take you to a gentleman that'll turn you out as +'andsome as need be. Out 'Ampstead way, '<i>e</i> is."</p> + +<p>The Senator smiled. "About a three-and-sixpenny fare, eh?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, all of that."</p> + +<p>"I thought so. I don't mind the three and sixpence. You can't do much +driving where I come from under a dollar; but we've only got about +twenty-four hours for the British capital altogether, and I can't spare +the time."</p> + +<p>"Suppose he drives along slowly," suggested momma.</p> + +<p>"Just so. Drive along slowly until you come to a tailor that has a shop, +do you see? And a good-sized window, with waxwork figures in it to show +off the goods. Then let me hear from you again."</p> + +<p>The man's expression changed to one of cheerfulness and benignity. +"Right you are, sir," he said, and shut down the door in a manner that +suggested entire appreciation of the circumstances.</p> + +<p>"I think we can trust him," said poppa. Inside, therefore, we gave +ourselves up to enjoyment of what momma called the varied panorama +around us; while, outside, the cabman passed in critical review half the +gentleman's outfitters in London. It was momma who finally brought him +to a halt, and the establishment which inspired her with confidence and +emulation was inscribed in neat, white enamelled letters, <i>Court +Tailors</i>.</p> + +<p>As we entered, a person of serious appearance came forward from the +rear, by no means eagerly or inquiringly, but with a grave step and a +great deal of deportment. I fancy he looked at momma and me with slight +surprise; then, with his hands calmly folded and his head a little on +one side, he gave his attention to the Senator. But it was momma who +broke the silence.</p> + +<p>"We wish," said momma, "to look at gentlemen's suitings."</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam, certainly. Is it for—for——." He hesitated in the +embarrassed way only affected in the very best class of establishments, +and I felt at ease at once as to the probable result.</p> + +<p>"For this gentleman," said momma, with a wave of her hand.</p> + +<p>The Senator, being indicated, acknowledged it. "Yes," he said, "I'm your +subject. But there's just one thing I want to say. I haven't got any use +for a Court suit, because where I live we haven't got any use for +Courts. My idea would be something aristocratic in quality but +democratic in cut—the sort of thing you would make up for a member of +Mr. Gladstone's family. Do I make myself clear?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir. Ordinary morning dress, sir, or is it evening dress, or +both? Will you kindly step this way, sir?"</p> + +<p>"We will all step this way," said momma.</p> + +<p>"It would be a morning coat and waistcoat then, sir, would it not? And +trousers of a different—somewhat lighter——"</p> + +<p>"Well, no," the Senator replied. "Something I could wear around pretty +much all day."</p> + +<p>My calm regard forbade the gentleman's outfitter to smile, even in the +back of his head.</p> + +<p>"I think I understand, sir. Now, here is something that is being a good +deal worn just now. Beautiful finish."</p> + +<p>"Nothing brownish, thank you," said momma, with decision.</p> + +<p>"No, madam? Then perhaps you would prefer this, sir. More on the iron +gray, sir."</p> + +<p>"That would certainly be more becoming," said momma. "And I like that +invisible line. But it's rather too woolly. I'm afraid it wouldn't keep +its appearance. What do you think, Mamie?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, there's no <i>wool</i>liness, madam." The gentleman's outfitter's tone +implied that wool was the last thing he would care to have anything to +do with. "It's the nap. And as to the appearance of these goods"—he +smiled slightly—"well, we put our reputation on them, that's all. I +can't say more than that. But I have the same thing in a smooth finish, +if you would prefer it."</p> + +<p>"I think I would prefer it. Wouldn't you, Mamie?"</p> + +<p>The man brought the same thing in a smooth finish, and looked +interrogatively at poppa.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I prefer it, too," said he, with a profound assumption of +intelligent interest. "Were you thinking of having the pants made of the +same material, Augusta?"</p> + +<p>The gentleman's outfitter suddenly turned his back, and stood thus for +an instant struggling with something like a spasm. Knowing that if +there's one thing in the world momma hates it's the exhibition of +poppa's sense of humour, I walked to the door. When I came back they +were measuring the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Will you have the American shoulder, sir? Most of our customers prefer +it."</p> + +<p>"Well, no. The English shoulder would be more of a novelty on me. You +see I come from the United States myself."</p> + +<p>"Do you indeed, sir?"</p> + +<p>The manners of some tailors might be emulated in England.</p> + +<p>"Tails are a little longer than they were, sir, and waistcoats cut a +trifle higher. Not more than half an inch in both cases, sir, but it +does make a difference. Now, with reference to the coat, sir; will you +have it finished with braid or not? Silk braid, of course, sir."</p> + +<p>"Augusta?" demanded the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Is braid <i>de nouveau?</i>" asked momma.</p> + +<p>"Not precisely, madam, but the Prince certainly has worn it this season +while he didn't last."</p> + +<p>"Do you refer to Wales?" asked poppa.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir. He's very generally mentioned simply as 'The Prince.' His +Royal Highness is very conservative, so to speak, about such things, so +when he takes up a style we generally count on its lasting at least +through one season. I can assure you, sir, the Prince has appeared in +braid. You needn't be afraid to order it."</p> + +<p>"I think," put in momma, "that braid would make a very neat finish, +love."</p> + +<p>Poppa walked slowly towards the door, considering the matter. With his +hand on the knob he turned round.</p> + +<p>"No," he said, "I don't think that's reason enough for me. We're both +men in public positions, but I've got nothing in common with Wales. I'll +have a plain hem."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.</h2> + + +<p>"If there's one thing I hate," said Senator Wick several times in the +discussion of our plans, "it's to see a citizen of the United States +going round advertising himself. If you analyse it, it's a mean thing to +do, for it's no more a virtue to be born American than a fault to be +born anything else. I'm proud of my nationality and my income is a +source of satisfaction to me, but I don't intend to brandish either of +them in the face of Europe."</p> + +<p>It was this principle that had induced poppa to buy tourist tickets +second class by rail, first class by steamer, all through, like ordinary +English people on eight or nine hundred a year. Momma and I thought it +rather noble of him and resolved to live up to it if possible, but when +he brought forth a large packet of hotel coupons, guaranteed to produce +everything, including the deepest respect of the proprietors, at ten +shillings and sixpence a day apiece, we thought he was making an +unnecessary sacrifice to the feelings of the non-American travelling +public.</p> + +<p>"Two dollars and a half a day!" momma ejaculated. "Were there no more +expensive ones?"</p> + +<p>"If there had been," poppa confessed, "I would have taken them. But +these were the best they had. And I understand it's a popular, sensible +way of travelling. I told the young man that the one thing we wished to +avoid was ostentation, and he said that these coupons would be a +complete protection."</p> + +<p>"There must be <i>some</i> way of paying more," said momma pathetically, +looking at the paper books of tickets, held together by a quantity of +little holes. "Do they actually include everything?"</p> + +<p>"Even wine, I understand, where it is the custom of the hotel to provide +it without extra charge, and in Switzerland honey with your breakfast," +the Senator responded firmly. "I never made a more interesting purchase. +There before us lie our beds, breakfasts, luncheons, dinners, lights, +and attendance for the next six weeks."</p> + +<p>"It is full of the most dramatic possibilities," I remarked, looking at +the packet.</p> + +<p>"It seems to me a kind of attempt to coerce Providence," said momma, "as +much as to say, 'Whatever happens to the world, I am determined to have +my bed, breakfast, luncheon, dinner, lights, and attendance for six +weeks to come.' Is it not presumptuous?"</p> + +<p>"It's very reasonable," said the Senator, "and that's the principal +thing you've got against it, Augusta. It's remarkably, pictorially +cheap." The Senator put the little books in their detachable cover, +snapped the elastic round them and restored the whole to his inside +pocket.</p> + +<p>"You might almost say enjoyably cheap, if you know what I mean. The +inexpensiveness of Europe," he continued, "is going to be a great charm +for me. I intend to revel in it."</p> + +<p>I am always discovering points about poppa the existence of which I had +not suspected. His appreciation of the joy of small prices had been +concealed in him up to this date, and I congratulated him warmly upon +its appearance. I believe it is inherent in primitive tribes and in all +Englishmen, but protective tariffs and other influences are rapidly +eradicating it in Americans, who should be condoled with on this point, +more than they usually are.</p> + +<p>We were on our way to Paris after a miraculous escape of the Channel. So +calm it was that we had almost held our breaths in our anxiety lest the +wind should rise before we got over. Dieppe lay behind us, and momma at +the window declared that she could hardly believe she was looking out at +Normandy. Momma at the window was enjoying herself immensely in the +midst of Liberty silk travelling cushions, supported by her +smelling-bottle, and engaged apparently in the realisation of +long-cherished dreams.</p> + +<p>"There they are in a row!" she exclaimed. "How lovely to see them +standing up in that stiff, unnatural way just as they do in the +pictures."</p> + +<p>Poppa and I rushed raptly to the window, but discovered nothing +remarkable.</p> + +<p>"To see what, Augusta?" demanded he.</p> + +<p>"The Normandy poplars, love. Aren't you awfully disappointed in them? +I am. So wooden!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus045"></a><img src="./images/illus045.jpg" alt="Momma was enjoying herself." title="Momma was enjoying herself." /></div> + +<h5>Momma was enjoying herself.</h5> + + +<p>Poppa said he didn't know that he had been relying much on the poplar +feature of the scenery, and returned to his weary search for American +telegrams in a London daily paper.</p> + +<p>"Dear me," momma ejaculated, "I <i>never</i> supposed I should see them doing +it! And right along the line of the railway, too!"</p> + +<p>"See them doing it!" I repeated, searching the landscape.</p> + +<p>"The women working in the fields, darling love. Garnering the grain, all +in that nice moderate shade of blue-electric, shouldn't you call it? +There—there's another! No, you can't see her now. France <i>is</i> +fascinating!"</p> + +<p>Poppa abruptly folded the newspaper. "I've learnt a great deal more than +I wanted to know about Madagascar," said he, "and I understand that +there's a likelihood of the London voter being called to arms to prevent +High Church trustees introducing candles and incense into the opening +exercises of the public schools. I've read eleven different accounts of +a battle in Korea, and an article on the fauna and flora of Beluchistan, +very well written. And I see it's stated, on good authority, that the +Queen drove out yesterday accompanied by the Princess Beatrice. I don't +know that I ever got more information for two cents in my life. But for +news—Great Scott! I <i>know</i> more news than there is in that paper! The +editor ought to be invited to come over and discover America."</p> + +<p>"Here's something about America," I protested, "from Chicago, too. A +whole column—'Movements of Cereals.'"</p> + +<p>"Yes, and look at that for a nice attractive headline," responded the +Senator with sarcasm. "'Movements of Cereals!' Gives you a great idea of +pace, doesn't it? Why couldn't they have called it 'Grain on the Go'?"</p> + +<p>"Did Mr. McConnell get in for Mayor, or Jimmy Fagan?" I inquired, +looking down the column.</p> + +<p>"They don't seem to have asked anybody."</p> + +<p>"And who got the Post Office?"</p> + +<p>"Not there, not there, my child!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said momma at the window, "these little gray-stone villages are +too sweet for words. Why talk of Chicago? Mr. McConnell and Mr. Fagan +are all very well at home, but now that the ocean heaves between us, and +your political campaign is over, may we not forget them?"</p> + +<p>"Forget Mike McConnell and Jimmy Fagan!" replied the Senator, regarding +a passing church spire with an absent smile. "Well, no, Augusta; as far +as I'm concerned I'm afraid it couldn't be done—at all permanently. +There's too much involved. But I see what you mean about turning the +mind out to pasture when the grazing is interesting—getting in a cud, +so to speak, for reflection afterwards. I see your idea."</p> + +<p>The Senator is always business-like. He immediately addressed himself +through the other window to the appreciation of the scenery, and I felt, +as I took out my note-book to record one or two impressions, that he +would do it justice.</p> + +<p>"No, momma," I was immediately compelled to exclaim, "you mustn't look +over my shoulder. It is paralysing to the imagination."</p> + +<p>"Then I won't, dear. But oh, if you could only describe it as it is! The +ruined chateaux, tree-embosomed——" Momma paused.</p> + +<p>"The gray church spires, from which at eventide the Angelus comes +pealing—or stealing," she continued. "Perhaps 'stealing' is better."</p> + +<p>"Above all the poplars—the poplars are very characteristic, dear. And +the women toilers in the sunset fields garnering up the golden grain. +You might exclaim, 'Why are they always in blue?' Have you got that +down?"</p> + +<p>"They were making hay," poppa corrected. "But I suppose the public won't +know the difference, any more than you did."</p> + +<p>Momma leaned forward, clasping her smelling-bottle, and looked out of +the window with a smile of exaltation.</p> + +<p>"The cows," she went on, "the proud-legged Norman cows standing +knee-deep in the quiet pools. Have you got the cows down, dear?"</p> + +<p>The Senator, at the other window, looked across disparagingly, hard at +work on his beard. He said nothing, but after a time abruptly thrust his +hands in his pockets, and his feet out in front of him in a manner which +expressed absolute dissent. When momma said she thought she would try to +get a little sleep he looked round observantly, and as soon as her +slumber was sound and comfortable he beckoned to me.</p> + +<p>"See here," he said, not unkindly, argumentatively. "About those cows. +In fact, about all these pointers your mother's been giving you. They're +all very nice and poetic—I don't want to run down momma's ideas—but +they don't strike me as original. I won't say I could put my finger on +it, but I'm perfectly certain I've heard of the poplars and the women +field labourers of Normandy somewhere before. She doesn't do it on +purpose"—the Senator inclined his head with deprecation toward the +sleeping form opposite, and lowered his voice—"and I don't know that +I'd mention it to you under any other circumstances, but momma's a +fearful plagiarist. She doesn't hesitate anywhere. I've known her do it +to William Shakespeare and the Book of Job, let alone modern authors. In +dealing with her suggestions you want to be very careful. Otherwise +momma'll get you into trouble."</p> + +<p>I nodded with affectionate consideration. "I'll make a note of what you +say, Senator," I replied, and immediately, from motives of delicacy, we +changed the subject. As we talked, poppa told me in confidence how much +he expected of the democratic idea in Paris. He said that even the +short time we had spent in England was enough to enable him to detect +the subserviency of the lower classes there and to resent it, as a man +and a brother. He spoke sadly and somewhat bitterly of the manners of +the brother man who shaved him, which he found unjustifiably affable, +and of the inexcusable abasement of a British railway porter if you gave +him a shilling. He said he was glad to leave England, it was +demoralising to live there; you lost your sense of the dignity of +labour, and in the course of time you were almost bound to degenerate +into a swell. He expressed a good deal of sympathy with the aristocracy +on this account, concentrating his indignation upon those who, as it +were, made aristocrats of innocent human beings against their will. It +was more than he would have ventured to say in public, but in talking to +me poppa often mentions what a comfort it is to be his own mouthpiece.</p> + +<p>"The best thing about these tourists' tickets is," said the Senator as +we approached Paris, "that they entitle you to the use of an +interpreter. He is said to be found on all station platforms of +importance, and I presume he's standing there waiting for us now. I take +it we're at liberty to tap his knowledge of the language in any moment +of difficulty just as if it were our own."</p> + +<p>Ten minutes later the carriage doors were opening upon Paris, and the +Senator's eagle eye was searching the crowded platform for this +official. Our vague idea was that the interpreter would be a conspicuous +and permanent object like a nickle-in-the-slot machine, automatically +arranged to open his arms to tourists presenting the right tickets, and +emit conversation. When we finally detected him, by his cap, he was +shifting uneasily in the midst of a crowd of inquirers. His face was +pale, his beard pointed, his expression that of a person constantly +interrupted in many languages. The crowd was parting to permit him to +escape, when we filled up the available avenue and confronted him.</p> + +<p>"Are you the linguist that goes with our tickets?" asked the Senator.</p> + +<p>"I am ze interpretare yes, but weez ze tickets I go not, no. All-ways I +stay here in zis place, nowheres I go." He stood at bay, so to speak, +frowning fiercely as he replied, and then made another bolt for liberty, +but poppa laid a compelling hand upon his arm.</p> + +<p>"If it's all the same to you," said poppa, firmly, "I've got ladies with +me, and——"</p> + +<p>"Yes certainly you get presently your tronks. You see zat door beside +many people? Immediately it open you go and show ze customs man. You got +no duty thing, it is all right. You call one fiacre—carriage—and go at +your hotel."</p> + +<p>"Oh," exclaimed momma, "is there any charge on nerve tincture, please? +It's <i>entirely</i> for my personal use."</p> + +<p>"It's <i>only</i> on cigars and eau-de-Cologne, isn't it?" I entreated.</p> + +<p>"Which door did you say?" asked the Senator. "I'd be obliged if you +would speak more slowly. There's no cause for excitement. From here I +can see fourteen doors, and I saw our luggage go in by <i>this</i> door."</p> + +<p>"You don't believe wat I say! Very well! All ze same it is zat door +beside all ze people wat want zere tronks!"</p> + +<p>"All right," said the Senator pacifically. "How you do boil over! I tell +you one thing, my friend," he added, as the interpreter washed his hands +of us, "you may be a necessity to the travelling public, but you're not +a luxury, in any sense of the word."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V.</h2> + + +<p>The Senator, discovering to his surprise that the hotel clerk was a +lady, lifted his hat. He did not appear to be surprised, that wasn't the +Senator's way, but he forgot what he had to say, which proved it. While +he was hesitating she looked at him humorously and said "Good evening, +sir!" She was a florid person who wore this sense of humour between hard +blue eyes and an iron jaw. Momma took a passionate dislike to her on the +spot.</p> + +<p>"Oh, then you do," said poppa. "You parlay Anglay. That's a good thing +I'm sure, for I know mighty little Fransay. May I ask what sort of +accommodation you can give Mrs. Wick, Miss Wick, and myself for +to-night? Anything on the first floor?"</p> + +<p>"What rooms you require are one double one single, yes? Certainly. +Francois, <i>trente-cinq et trente-huit</i>." She handed Francois the keys +and her sense of humour disappeared in a smile which told poppa that he +might, if he liked, consider her a fine woman. He, wishing doubtless to +bask in it to the fullest extent, produced his book of tickets.</p> + +<p>"I expect you've seen these before," he said, apparently for the +pleasure of continuing the conversation.</p> + + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus056"></a><img src="./images/illus056.jpg" alt=""I expect you've seen these before."" title=""I expect you've seen these before."" /></div> + +<h5>"I expect you've see these before."</h5> + + +<p>As her eye fell upon them a look of startled cynicism suddenly replaced +the smile. Her cynicism was paradoxical, she was so large, and sound and +wholesome, and the more irritating on this account.</p> + +<p>"You 'ave the coupons!" she exclaimed. "Ah-a-ah!" in a crescendo of +astonishment at our duplicity. "Then I 'ave made one mistake. Francois! +Those first floor rooms they are already taken. But on the third floor +are two good beautiful rooms. There is also the lift—you can use the +lift."</p> + +<p>"I can't dispute with a lady," said poppa, "but that is singular. I +should prefer those first floor rooms which were not taken until I +mentioned the coupons."</p> + +<p>"Sare!"</p> + +<p>The lady's eye was unflinching, and poppa quailed. He looked ashamed, as +if he had been caught in telling a story. They made a picture, as he +stood there pulling his beard, of American chivalry and Gallic guile, +which was almost pathetic.</p> + +<p>"Well," said he, "as it's necessary that Mrs. Wick should lie down as +soon as possible you might show us those third floor rooms."</p> + +<p>Then he recovered his dignity and glanced at Madame more in sorrow than +in anger. "Certainly, sare," she said severely. "Will you use the lift? +For the lift there is no sharge."</p> + +<p>"That," said the Senator, "is real liberal." In moments of emotion +poppa often dropped into an Americanism. "If it's a serious offer I +think we <i>will</i> use the lift."</p> + +<p>At a nod from Madame, Francois went away to seek the man belonging to +the lift, and after a time returned with him. The lady produced another +key, with which the man belonging to the lift unlocked the door of the +brass cage which guarded it.</p> + +<p>"You must find strangers very dishonest, madam," said the Senator +courteously as we stepped inside, "to render such a precaution +necessary."</p> + +<p>But before we arrived at the third floor we were convinced that it was +unnecessary. It was not an elevator that the most burglarious would have +cared to take away.</p> + +<p>So many Americans surrounded the breakfast table next morning that we +might almost have imagined ourselves in Chicago. A small, young priest +with furtive brown eyes cowered at one of the side tables, and at +another a broad-shouldered, unsmiling lady, dressed in black, with brows +and a slight moustache to match, dispensed food to a sallow and +shrinking object of preternaturally serious aspect who seemed to be her +husband, and a little boy who kept an anxious eye on them both. They +were French, too, but all the people who sat up and down the long middle +table belonged to the United States of America. They were there in +groups and in families representing different localities and different +social positions—as momma said, you had only to look at their shoulder +seams; and each group or family received the advances of the next with +the polite tolerance, head a little on one side, which characterises us +when we don't know each other's business standing or church membership; +but the tide of conversation which ebbed and flowed had a flavour which +made the table a geographical unit. I say "flavour," because there was +certainly something, but I am now inclined to think with Mr. Page that +"accent" is rather too strong a word to describe it. At all events, the +gratification of hearing it after his temporary exile in Great Britain +almost brought tears to the Senator's eyes. There were only three vacant +places, and, as we took them, making the national circle complete, a +little smile wavered round the table. It was a proud, conscious smile; +it indicated that though we might not be on terms of intimacy we +recognised ourselves to be immensely and uniformly American, and +considerably the biggest fraction of the travelling public. As poppa +said, the prevailing feeling was also American. As he was tucking his +napkin into his waistcoat, and ordering our various breakfasts, the +gentleman who sat next to him listened—he could not help it—fidgetted, +and finally, with some embarrassment, spoke.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, sir," he said, "whether you're aware of it—I presume +you're a stranger, like myself—but all they <i>allow</i> for what they call +breakfast in this hotel is tea or coffee, rolls, and butter; everything +else is charged extra."</p> + +<p>Poppa was touched. As he said to me afterward, who but an American +would have taken the trouble to tell a stranger a thing like that! Not +an Englishman, certainly—he would see you bankrupt first! He disguised +his own sophistication, and said he was very much obliged, and he almost +apologised for not being able to take advantage of the information, and +stick to coffee and rolls.</p> + +<p>"But the fact is," he said in self-defence, "we may get back for lunch +and we may not."</p> + +<p>"That's all right," the gentleman replied with distinct relief. "I +didn't mind the omelette or the sole, but when it came to fried chicken +and strawberries I just had to speak out. You going to make a long stay +in Paris?"</p> + +<p>As they launched to conversation momma and I glanced at each other with +mutual congratulation. It was at last obvious that the Senator was going +to enjoy his European experiences; we had been a little doubtful about +it. Left to ourselves, we discussed our breakfast and the waiters, the +only French people we could see from where we sat, and expressed our +annoyance, which was great, at being offered tooth-picks. I was so +hungry that it was only when I asked for a third large roll that I +noticed momma regarding me with mild disapproval.</p> + +<p>"I fear," she said with a little sigh, "that you are thinking very +little of what is past and gone, love."</p> + +<p>"Momma," I replied, "don't spoil my breakfast." When momma can throw an +emotional chill over anything, I never knew her to refrain. "I <i>should</i> +like that <i>garçon</i> to bring me some more bread," I continued.</p> + +<p>Momma sighed even more deeply. "You may have part of mine," she replied, +breaking it with a gesture that said such callousness she could not +understand. Her manner for the next few minutes expressed distinctly +that she, at least, meant to do her duty by Arthur.</p> + +<p>Presently from the other side of poppa came the words, "<i>Not</i> Wick of +Chicago!"</p> + +<p>"I guess I can't deny it," said poppa.</p> + +<p>"Senator Wick?"</p> + +<p>Poppa lowered his voice. "If it's all the same to you," he said, "not +for the present. Just plain Joshua P. Wick. I'm not what you call +travelling incognito, do you see, but, so far as the U.S. Senate is +concerned, I haven't got it with me."</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I won't mention it again. But all the same, if I may be +allowed to say so, I am pleased to meet you, sir—very pleased. I +suppose they wired you that Mike McConnell's got the Post Office."</p> + +<p>Poppa held out his hand in an instant of speechless gratitude. "Sir," he +said, "they did not. Put it there. I said no wires and no letters, and +I've been sorry for it ever since. Momma," he continued, "daughter, +allow me to present to you Mr.?—Mr. Malt, who has heard by cablegram +that our friend Mr. McConnell is Postmaster-General of Chicago."</p> + +<p>Momma was grateful, too, though she expressed it somewhat more +distantly. Momma has a great deal of manner with strangers; it sometimes +completely disguises her real feeling toward them. I was also grateful, +though I merely bowed, and kicked the Senator under the table. Nobody +would have guessed from our outward bearing the extent to which our +political fortunes, as a family, were mixed up with Mike McConnell's. +Mr. Malt immediately said that if there was anything else he could do +for us he was at our service.</p> + +<p>"Well," said poppa, "I suppose there's a good deal of intrinsic interest +in this town—relics of Napoleon, the Bon Marché, and so on—and we've +got to see it. I must say," he added, turning to momma, "I feel +considerably more equal to it now."</p> + +<p>"It will take you a good long week," said Mr. Malt earnestly, "to begin +to have an idea of it. You might spend two whole days in the Louvre +itself. Is your time limited?"</p> + +<p>"I don't need to tell any American the market value of it," said poppa +smiling.</p> + +<p>"Then you can't do better than go straight to the Louvre. I'd be pleased +to accompany you, only I've got to go round and see our Ambassador—I've +got a little business with him. I daresay you know that one of our +man-of-war ships is lying right down here in the Seine river. Well, the +captain is giving a reception to-morrow in honour of the Russian Admiral +who happens to be there, too. I've got ladies with me and I wrote for +four tickets. Did I get the four tickets—or two of them—or one? No, +sir, I got a letter in the third person singular saying it wasn't a +public entertainment! I wrote back to say I guessed it was an American +entertainment, and he could expect me, all the same. He hadn't any sort +of excuse—my name and business address were on my letter paper. Now I'm +just going round to see what a United States Ambassador's for, in this +connection."</p> + +<p>Mr. Malt rose and the waiter withdrew his chair. "Thank you, <i>garçon</i>," +said he. "I'm coming back again—do you understand? This is not my last +meal," and the waiter bowed as if that were a statement which had to be +acknowledged, but was of the least possible consequence to him +personally. "Well, Mr. Wick," continued Mr. Malt, brushing the crumbs +from his waistcoat, "I'll say good morning, and to your ladies also. I'm +very pleased to have met you."</p> + +<p>"Well," said momma, as he disappeared, "if every American in Paris has +decided to go to that reception there won't be much room for the +Russians."</p> + +<p>"I suppose he's a voter and a tax-payer, and he's got his feelings," +replied poppa. The Senator would defend a voter and a tax-payer against +any imputation not actually criminal.</p> + +<p>"I'm glad I'm not one of his lady-friends," momma continued. "I don't +think I <i>could</i> make myself at home on that man-of-war under the +circumstances. But I daresay he'll drag them there with him. He seems to +be just that kind of a man."</p> + +<p>"He's a very patriotic kind of a man," replied the Senator. "It's his +patriotism, don't you see, that's giving him all this trouble. It's been +outraged. Personally I consider Mr. Malt a very intelligent gentleman, +and if he'd given me an opening as big as the eye of a needle I'm the +camel that would have gone with him, Augusta."</p> + +<p>This statement of the Senator's struck me as something to be acted upon. +If there was to be a constant possibility of his going off with any +chance American in regular communication with the United States, our +European tour would be a good deal less interesting than I had been led +to expect. While momma was getting ready for the Louvre, therefore, I +stepped down to the office and wired our itinerary to his partner in +Chicago. "Keep up daily communication by wire in detail," I telegraphed, +"forward copies all important letters care Peters." Peters was the +tourist agent who had undertaken to bless our comings and goings. I said +nothing whatever to poppa, but I felt a glow of conscious triumph when I +thought of Mr. Malt.</p> + +<p>We stood and realised Paris on the pavement while the fiacre turned in +from the road and drew up for us. I had every intention of being +fascinated and so had momma. We had both heard often and often that good +Americans when they die go to Paris, and that prepares one for a good +deal in this life. We were so anxious to be pleased that we fastened +with one accord upon the florist's shop under the hotel and said that it +was uniquely charming, though we both knew places in Broadway that it +couldn't be compared with. We looked amiably at the passers-by, and did +our best to detect in the manner of their faces that <i>esprit</i> that makes +the dialogue of French novels so stimulating. What I usually thought I +saw when they looked at us was a leisurely indifferentism ornamented +with the suspicion of a sneer, and based upon a certain fundamental +acquisitiveness and ability to make a valuation that acknowledged the +desirability of our presence on business grounds, if not on personal +ones. It seemed to be a preconcerted public intention to make as much +noise in a given space as possible—we spoke of the cheerfulness of it, +stopping our ears. The cracking of the drivers' whips alone made a <i>feu +de joie</i> that never ceased, and listening to it we knew that we ought to +feel happy and elated. The driver of our fiacre was fat and rubicund, he +wore a green coat, brass buttons, and a shiny top hat, and looked as if +he drank constantly. His jollity was perfunctory, I know, and covered a +grasping nature, but it was very well imitated, like everything in +Paris. As he whirled us, with a whip-report like a pistol-shot, into the +train of traffic in the middle of the street, we felt that we were +indeed in the city of appearances; and I put down in my mind, not having +my note-book, that Paris lives up to its photographs.</p> + +<p>"We mustn't forget our serious object, dear," said momma, as we rolled +over the cobblestones—"our literary object. What shall we note this +morning? The broad streets, the elegant shops—<i>do</i> look at that one! +Darling, is it absolutely necessary to go to the Louvre this morning? +There are some things we really need."</p> + +<p>Momma addressed the Senator. I mentioned to her once that her way of +doing it was almost English in its demonstrativeness, and my other +parent told me privately he wished I hadn't—it aggravated it so.</p> + +<p>"Augusta," said poppa, firmly, "I understand your feeling. I take a +human interest in those stores myself, which I do not expect this +picture gallery, etc., to inspire in me. But there the Louvre <i>is</i>, you +see, and it's got to be done. If we spent our whole time in this city in +mere pleasure and amusement, you would be the first to reproach +yourself, Augusta."</p> + +<p>A few minutes later, when we had crossed the stone quadrangle and +mounted the stairs, and stood with our catalogue in the Salle Lacaze, +momma said that she wouldn't have missed it for anything. She sank +ecstatic upon a bench, and gave to every individual picture upon the +opposite wall the tribute of her intensest admiration. It was a pleasure +to see her enjoying herself so much; and poppa and I vainly tried to +keep up to her with the catalogue.</p> + +<p>"Oh, why haven't we such things in Chicago!" she exclaimed, at which the +Senator checked her mildly.</p> + +<p>"It's a mere question of time," said he. "It isn't reasonable to expect +Pre-Raphaelites in a new country. But give us three or four hundred +years, and we'll produce old masters which, if you ladies will excuse +the expression, will knock the spots out of the Middle Ages." Poppa is +such an optimist about Chicago.</p> + +<p>The Senator went on in a strain of criticism of the pictures perfectly +moderate and kindly—nothing he wouldn't have said to the artists +themselves—until momma interrupted him. "Don't you think we might be +silent for a time, Alexander," she said.</p> + +<p>Momma does call him Alexander sometimes. I didn't like to mention it +before, but it can't be concealed for ever. She says it's because Joshua +always costs her an effort, and every woman ought to have the right to +name her own husband.</p> + +<p>"Let us offer to all this genius," she continued, indicating it, "the +tribute of sealing our lips."</p> + +<p>The Senator will always oblige. "Mine are sealed, Augusta," he replied, +and so we sat in silence for the next ten minutes. But I could see by +his expression, in connection with the angle at which his hat was +tipped, that he was comparing the productions before him with the future +old masters of Chicago, and wishing it were possible to live long enough +to back Chicago.</p> + +<p>"How they do sink in!" said momma at last. "How they sink into the +soul!"</p> + +<p>"They do," replied the Senator. "I don't deny it. But I see by the +catalogue, counting Salles and Salons and all, there's seventeen rooms +full of them. If they're all to sink in, for my part I'll have to +enlarge the premises. And we've been here three-quarters of an hour +already, and life is short, Augusta."</p> + +<p>So we moved on where the imperishable faces of Greuze and Velasquez and +Rembrandt smiled and frowned and wondered at us. As poppa said, it was +easy to see that these people had ideas, and were simply longing to +express them. "You feel sorry for them," he said, "just as you feel +sorry for an intelligent terrier. But these poor things can't even wag +their tails! Just let me know when you've had enough, Augusta."</p> + +<p>Momma declared, with an accent of reproach, that she could never have +enough. I noticed, however, that we did not stay in the second room as +long as in the first one, and that our progress was steadily +accelerating. Presently the Senator asked us to sit down for a few +minutes while he should leave us.</p> + +<p>"There's a picture here Bramley said I was to see without fail," he +explained. "It's called 'Mona Lisa,' and it's by an artist by the name +of Leonardo da Vinci. Bramley said it was a very fine painting, but I +don't remember just now whether he said it was what you might call a +picture for the family or not. I'll just go and ascertain," said the +Senator. "Judging from some of the specimens here, oil paintings in the +Middle Ages weren't intended to be chromo-lithographed."</p> + +<p>In his absence momma and I discussed French cookery as far as we had +experienced it, in detail, with prodigious yawns for which we did not +even apologise. Poppa was gone a remarkably short time and came back +radiant. "I've found Mona," he exclaimed, "and—she's all right. Bramley +said it was the most remarkable portrait of a woman in the +world—looking at it, Bramley said, you become insensible to +everything—forget all about your past life and future hopes—and I +guess he's about right. Come and see it."</p> + +<p>Momma arose without enthusiasm, and I thought I detected adverse +criticism in advance in her expression.</p> + +<p>"Here she is," said the Senator presently. "Now look at that! Did you +ever see anything more intellectual and cynical, and contemptuous and +sweet, all in one! Lookin' at you as much as to say, 'Who are you, +anyhow, from way back in the State of Illinois—commercial traveller? +And what do you pretend to know?'"</p> + +<p>Momma regarded the portrait for a moment in calm disapprobation. "I +daresay she was very clever," she said at length, "but if you wish to +know my opinion I <i>don't think much of her</i>. And before taking us to see +another female portrait, Mr. Wick, I should be obliged if you would take +the precaution of finding out <i>who she was</i>."</p> + +<p>After which we drove quietly home.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.</h2> + + +<p>Poppa decided that we had better go to Versailles by Cook's +four-in-hand. There were other ways of going, but he thought we might as +well take the most distinguished. He was careful to explain that the +mere grandeur of this method of transportation had no weight with him; +he was compelled to submit to the ostentation of it for another purpose +which he had in view.</p> + +<p>"I am not a person," said poppa, "nor is any member of my family, to +thrust myself into aristocratic circles in foreign lands; but when an +opportunity like this occurs for observing them without prejudice, so to +speak, I believe in taking it."</p> + +<p>We went to the starting place early, so as to get good seats, for, as +momma said, the whole of the Parisian <i>élite</i> with the President thrown +in wouldn't induce her to ride with her back to the horses. In that +position she would be incapable of observation.</p> + +<p>The coaches were not there when we arrived, and presently the Senator +discovered why. He told us with a slightly depressed air that they had +gone round to the hotels. "Daughter," he said to me, "J.P. Wicks does +hate to make a fool of himself, and this morning he's done it twice +over. The best seats will go to the people who had the sense to stay at +their hotels, and the fact that the coaches go round shows that they run +for tourist traffic only. There won't be a Paris aristocrat among them," +continued poppa gloomily, "nary an aristocrat."</p> + +<p>When they came up we saw that there wasn't. The coaches were full of +tourist traffic. It was mounted on the box seats very high up, where it +looked conspicuously happy, and sounded a little hysterical; and it was +packed, tight and warm and anticipant into every available seat. From +its point of vantage, secured by waiting at the hotel for it, the +tourist traffic looked down upon the Wick family on the pavement, in +irritating compassion. As momma said, if we hadn't taken our tickets it +was enough to have sent us to the Bon Marché.</p> + +<p>A man in a black frock coat and white shirt cuffs came bareheaded from +the office and pointed us out to the interpreter, who wore brass +buttons. The interpreter appeared to mention it to the guide, who wiped +his perspiring brows under a soft brown felt hat. A fiacre crawled round +the corner and paused to look on, and the Senator said, "Now which of +you three gentlemen is responsible for my ride to Versailles?"</p> + +<p>The interpreter looked at him with a hostile expression, the guide made +a gesture of despair at the volume of tourist traffic, and the man with +the shirt cuffs said, "You 'ave took your plazes on ze previous day?"</p> + +<p>"I took them from you ten minutes ago," poppa replied. "What a memory +you've got!"</p> + +<p>"Zen zare is nothings guaranteed. But we will send special carriage, and +be'ind you can follow up," and he indicated the fiacre which had now +drawn into line.</p> + +<p>"I don't think so," said poppa, "when I buy four-in-hand tickets I don't +take one-in-hand accommodation."</p> + +<p>"You will not go in ze private carriage?"</p> + +<p>"I will not."</p> + +<p>"<i>Mais</i>—it is much ze preferable."</p> + +<p>"I don't know why I should contradict you," said poppa, but at that +moment the difficulty was solved by the Misses Bingham.</p> + +<p>"Guide!" cried one of the Misses Bingham, beckoning with her fan, "<i>Nous +voulons à déscendre!</i>"</p> + +<p>"You want get out?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Oui!</i>" replied the Misses Bingham with simultaneous dignity, and, as +the guide merely wiped his forehead again, poppa stepped forward. "Can I +assist you?" he said, and the Misses Bingham allowed themselves to be +assisted. They were small ladies, dressed in black pongee silk, with +sloping shoulders, and they each carried a black fan and a brocaded bag +for odds and ends. They were not plain-looking, and yet it was readily +seen why nobody had ever married them; they had that look of the +predestined single state that you sometimes see even among the very well +preserved. One of them had an eye-glass, but it was easy to note even +when she was not wearing it that she was a person of independent income, +of family, and of New York.</p> + +<p>"We are quite willing," said the Misses Bingham, "to exchange our seats +in the coach for yours in the special carriage, if that arrangement +suits you."</p> + +<p>"<i>Bon!</i>" interposed the guide, "and opposite there is one other place if +that fat gentleman will squeeze himself a little—eh?"</p> + +<p>"Come along!" said the fat gentleman equably.</p> + +<p>"But I couldn't think of depriving you ladies."</p> + +<p>"Sir," said one Miss Bingham, "it is no deprivation."</p> + +<p>"We should prefer it," added the other Miss Bingham. They spoke with +decision; one saw that they had not reached middle age without knowing +their own minds all the way.</p> + +<p>"To tell the truth," added the Miss Bingham without the eye-glass in a +low voice, "we don't think we can stand it."</p> + +<p>"I don't precisely take you, madam," said the Senator politely.</p> + +<p>"I'm an American," she continued.</p> + +<p>Poppa bowed. "I should have known you for a daughter of the Stars and +Stripes anywhere," he said in his most complimentary tone.</p> + +<p>Miss Bingham looked disconcerted for an instant and went on. "My great +grandfather was A.D.C. to General Washington. I've got that much reason +to be loyal."</p> + +<p>"There couldn't have been many such officers," the Senator agreed.</p> + +<p>"But when I go abroad I don't want the whole of the United States to +come with me."</p> + +<p>"It takes the gilt off getting back for you?" suggested poppa a little +stiffly.</p> + +<p>Miss Bingham failed to take the hint. "We find Europe infested with +Americans," she continued. "It disturbs one's impressions so. And the +travelling American invariably belongs to the very <i>least</i> desirable +class."</p> + +<p>"Now I shouldn't have thought so," said the Senator, with intentional +humour. But it was lost upon Miss Bingham.</p> + +<p>"Well, if you like them," said the other one, "you'd better go in the +coach."</p> + +<p>The Senator lifted his hat. "Madam," he said, "I thank you for giving to +me and mine the privilege of visiting a very questionable scene of the +past in the very best society of the present."</p> + +<p>And as the guide was perspiring more and more impatiently, we got in.</p> + +<p>For some moments the Senator sat in silence, reflecting upon this +sentiment, with an occasionally heaving breast. Circumstances forbade +his talking about it, but he cast an eye full of criticism upon the +fiacre rolling along far in the rear, and remarked, with a fervor most +unusual, that he hoped they liked our dust. We certainly made a great +deal of it. Momma and I, looking at our fellow travellers, at once +decided that the Misses Bingham had been a little hasty. The fat +gentleman, who wore a straw hat very far back, and meant to enjoy +himself, was certainly our fellow-citizen. So was his wife, and +brother-in-law. So were a bride and bridegroom on the box seat—nothing +less than the best of everything for an American honeymoon—and so was a +solitary man with a short cut bristly beard, a slouch hat, a pink cotton +shirt, and a celluloid collar. But there was an indescribable something +about all the rest that plainly showed they had never voted for a +president or celebrated a Fourth of July. I was still revolving it in my +mind when the fat gentleman, who had been thinking of the same thing, +said to his neighbour on the other side, a person of serious appearance +in a black silk hat, apropos of the line he had crossed by, "I may be +wrong, but I shouldn't have put you down to be an American."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I guess I am," replied the serious man, "but not the United States +kind."</p> + +<p>"British North," suggested the fat gentleman, with a smile that +acknowledged Her Majesty. "First cousin once removed," and momma and I +looked at one another intelligently. We had nothing against Canadians, +except that they generally talk as if they had the whole of the St. +Lawrence river and Niagara Falls in a perpetual lease from +Providence—and we had never seen so many of them together before. The +coach was three-quarters full of these foreigners, if the Misses +Bingham had only known; but as poppa afterwards said, they were probably +not foreign enough. It may have been imagination, but I immediately +thought I saw a certain meekness, a habit of deference—I wanted to +incite them all to treat the Guelphs as we did. Just then we stopped +before the church of St. Augustin, and the guide came swinging along the +outside of the coach hoarsely emitting facts. Everybody listened +intently, and I noticed upon the Canadian countenances the same +determination to be instructed that we always show ourselves. We all +meant to get the maximum amount of information for the price, and I +don't think any of us have forgotten that the site of St. Augustin is +three-cornered and its dome resembles a tiara to this day. For a moment +I was sorry for the Misses Bingham, who were absorbing nothing but dust; +but, as momma said, they looked very well informed.</p> + +<p>It must be admitted that we were a little shy with the guide—we let him +bully us. As poppa said, he was certainly well up in his subject, but +that was no reason why he should have treated us as if we had all come +from St. Paul or Kansas City. There was a condescension about him that +was not explained by the state of his linen, and a familiarity that I +had always supposed confined exclusively to the British aristocracy +among themselves. He had a red face and a blue eye, with which he looked +down on us with scarcely concealed contempt, and he was marvellously +agile, distributing his information as open street-car conductors +collect fares.</p> + +<p>"They seem extremely careful of their herbage in this town," remarked +the serious man, and we noticed that it was so. Precautions were taken +in wire that would have dissuaded a grasshopper from venturing on it. It +grew very neatly inside, doubtless with a certain <i>chic</i>, but it had a +look of being put on for the occasion that was essentially Parisian. +Also the trees grew up out of iron plates, which was uncomfortable, +though, no doubt, highly finished, and the flowers had a <i>cachet</i> about +them which made one think of French bonnets. As we rolled into the Bois +it became evident that the guide had something special to communicate. +He raised his voice and coughed, in a manner which commanded instant +attention.</p> + +<p>"Ladies—and genelmen," he said—he always added the gentleman as if +they were an after-thought—"you are mos' fortunate, mos' locky. <i>Tout +Paris</i>—all the folks—are still driving their 'orse an' carriage 'ere. +One week more—the style will be all gone—what you say—vamoosed? Every +mother's son! An' Cook's excursion party won't see nothin' but ole cabs +goin' along!"</p> + +<p>"Can't we get away from them?" asked the serious person. It was +humorously intended—certainly a liberty, and the guide was down on it +in an instant.</p> + +<p>"Get away from them? Not if they know you're here!"</p> + +<p>At which the serious man looked still more serious, and sympathy for +him sprang up in every heart.</p> + +<p>We passed Longchamps at a steady trot, and the guide's statement that +the races there were always held on Sunday was received with a silence +that evidently disappointed him. It was plain that he had a withering +rejoinder ready for sabbatarians, and he waited anxiously, balanced on +one foot, for an expression of shocked opinion. It was after we had +passed Mont Valerien, frowning on the horizon, that the man in the pink +cotton shirt began to grow restive under so much instruction. He told +the serious person that his name was Hinkson of Iowa, and the serious +person was induced to reply that his was Pabbley of Simcoe, Ontario. It +was insubordination—the guide was talking about the shelling from Mont +Valerien at the time, with the most patriotic dislocations in his +grammar.</p> + +<p>"You understan', you see?" he concluded. "Now those two genelmen, they +<i>don'</i> understan', and they <i>don'</i> see. An' when they get back to the +United States they won' be able to tell their wives an' sweethearts +anythin' about Mont Valerien! All right, genelmen—please yourselves. +<i>Mais</i> you please remember I am just like William Shekspeare—I give no +<i>repétition</i>!"</p> + +<p>It was then that the serious man demonstrated that Britons, even the +North American kind, never, never would be slaves. Placing his black +silk hat carefully a little further back on his head, he leaned forward.</p> + +<p>"Now look here, mister," he said, "you're as personal as a Yankee +newspaper. So far as I know, you're not the friend of my childhood, nor +the companion of my later years, except for this trip only, and I'd just +as soon you realised it. As far as I know, you're paid to point out +objects of historical interest. Don't you trouble to entertain us any +further than that. We'll excuse you!"</p> + +<p>"Ladies—an' genelmen," continued the guide calmly, "in a lil' short +while we shall be approached to the town of St. Cloud. At that town of +St. Cloud will be one genelman will take the excellen' group—fotograff. +To appear in that fotograff, you will please all keep together with me. +Afterwards, you will look at the fountains, at the magnificent panorama +de Paris, and we go on to Versailles. On the return journey, if you like +that fotograff you can buy, if you don't like, you don' buy. An' if you +got no wife an' no sweetheart all the same you keep your temper!"</p> + +<p>But Mr. Pabbley had settled his hat in its normal position and did not +intend to clear his brow for action again. All might have gone well, had +it not been for the patriotic sensitiveness of Mr. Hinkson of Iowa.</p> + +<p>"I think I heard you pass a remark about American newspapers, sir," said +Mr Hinkson of Iowa. "Think you've got any better in Canada?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Pabbley smiled. There may have been some fancied superiority in the +smile.</p> + +<p>"I guess they suit us better," he said.</p> + +<p>"Got any circulation figures about you?"</p> + +<p>"Not being an advertising agent, I don't carry them."</p> + +<p>"I see!" Mr. Hinkson's manner of saying he saw clearly implied that +there might have been other reasons why Mr. Pabbley declined to produce +those figures. We were all listening now, and the guide had subsided +upon the box seat. The Senator's face wore the judicial expression it +always assumes when he has a difficulty in keeping himself out of the +conversation. It became easier than ever to separate the Republican and +the British elements on that coach.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hinkson, "don't you folks get pretty tired of paying +Victoria taxes sometimes?"</p> + +<p>The British contingent seemed to find this amusing. The Americans looked +as if it were no laughing matter.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe Her Majesty is much the richer for all she gets out of +us," said Mr. Pabbley.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I guess you send over a pretty good lump per annum, don't you?"</p> + +<p>"Not a red cent, sir," said Mr. Pabbley decisively. "We run our own +show."</p> + +<p>"What about that aristocrat that rules the country up at Ottawa?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, <i>he</i> hasn't got any say! We get him out and pay him a salary to +save ourselves the trouble of electing a president. A presidential +election's bad for business, bad for politics, bad for morals."</p> + +<p>"You seem to know. Doesn't it ever make you tired to hear yourselves +called subjects? Don't you ever want to be free and equal, like us? +Trot out the truth now—the George Washington article!"</p> + +<p>"Mister," said Mr. Pabbley, "I flatter myself that Canadians are a good +deal like United States folks already, and I don't mind congratulating +both our nations on the resemblance. But I'm bound to add that, while I +would wish to imitate the American people in many ways still further, I +wouldn't be like you personally, no, not under any circumstances nor in +any respect."</p> + +<p>At this moment it was necessary to dismount, and, as poppa and I both +immediately became engaged in reconciling momma to the necessity of +walking to the top of the plateau, I lost the rest of the conversation. +Momma, when it was necessary to walk anywhere, always became pathetic +and offered to stay behind alone. She declared on this occasion that she +would be perfectly happy in the coach with the dear horses, and poppa +had to resort to extreme measures. "Please yourself, Augusta," he said. +"Your lightest whim is law to me, and you know it. But I'm going to hate +standing up in that photograph all alone with my only child, like any +widower."</p> + +<p>"Alexander!" exclaimed momma at once. "What a dreadful idea! I think I +might be able to manage it."</p> + +<p>The photographer was there with his camera. The guide marshalled us up +to him, falling back now and then to bark at the heels of the lagging +ones, and, with the assistance of a bench and an acacia, we were rapidly +arranged, the short ones standing up, the tall ones sitting down, +everyone assuming his most pleasing expression, and the Misses Bingham +standing alone, apart, on the brink, looking on under an umbrella that +seemed to protect them from intimate association with the democracy in +any form. We saw the guide approach them in gingerly inquiry, but, +before simultaneous waves of their two black fans, he retired in +disorder. The bride had slipped her hand upon her husband's shoulder, +just to mark his identity; the fat gentleman had removed his hat and +hurriedly put it on again, and the photographer had gone under his +curtain for the third time, when Mr. Hinkson of Iowa, who sat in a +conspicuous cross-legged position in the foreground, drew from his +pocket a handkerchief and spread it carefully out over one knee. It was +not an ordinary handkerchief, it was a pocket edition of the Stars and +Stripes, all red, and blue, and white, and it attracted the instant +attention of every eye. One of the eyes was Mr. Pabbley's, who appeared +to clear the group at a bound in consequence.</p> + +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Pabbley with vehemence, "does +anyone happen to have a Union Jack about him or her?"</p> + +<p>They felt in their pockets, but they hadn't.</p> + +<p>"Then," said Mr. Pabbley, who was evidently aroused, "unless the +gentleman from Iowa will withdraw his handkerchief, I refuse to sit."</p> + +<p>"I guess we aren't any of us annexationists," said a middle-aged woman +from Toronto in a duster, and proceeded to follow Mr. Pabbley.</p> + +<p>The rest of the Canadians looked at each other undecidedly for a moment +and then slowly filed after the middle-aged woman. There remained the +mere wreck of a group clustering round the national emblem on the leg of +Mr. Hinkson. The guide was expostulating himself speechless, the +photographer was in convulsions, the Senator saw it was time to +interfere. Leaning over, he gently tapped the patriot from Iowa on the +shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Aren't you satisfied with the sixty million fellow-citizens you've got +already," said poppa, "that you want to grab nine half-starved Canucks +with a hand camera?"</p> + +<p>"They're in the majority here," said Mr. Hinkson fiercely, "and I dare +any one of 'em to touch that flag. Go along over there and join 'em if +you like—they're goin' to be done by themselves—to send to Queen +Victoria!"</p> + +<p>But that was further than anybody would go, even in defence of +cosmopolitanism. The Republic rallied round Mr. Hinkson's leg, while the +Dominion with much dignity supported Mr. Pabbley. As momma said, human +nature is perfectly extraordinary.</p> + +<p>For the rest of the journey to Versailles there was hardly any +international conversation. Mr. Hinkson tied his handkerchief round his +neck, and the Canadians tried to look as if they had no objection. We +passed through the villages of Montretout and Buze. I know we did +because momma took down the names, but I fancy they couldn't have +differed much from the general landscape, for I don't remember a thing +about them. The Misses Bingham came and sat next us at luncheon, which +flattered both momma and me immensely, though the Senator didn't seem +able to see where the distinction came in, and during this meal they +pointed out the fact that Mr. Hinkson was drinking lemonade with his +roast mutton, and asked us how we <i>could</i> travel with such a +combination. I remember poppa said that it was a combination that Mr. +Hinkson and Mr. Hinkson only had to deal with, but momma and I felt the +obloquy of it a good deal, though when we came to think of it we were no +more responsible for Mr. Hinkson than the Misses Bingham were. After +that, walking rapidly behind the guide, we covered centuries of French +history, illustrated by chairs and tables and fire-irons and chandeliers +and four-post beds. Momma told me afterwards that she was rather sorry +she had taken me with the guide through Madame du Barry's fascinating +Petit Trianon, the things he didn't say sounded so improper, but when I +assured her that it was only contemporary scandal that had any effect on +our morals, she said she supposed that was so, and somehow one never did +expect people who wore curled wigs and knee-breeches to behave quite +prettily. The rooms were dotted with groups of people who had come in +fiacres or by tramway, which made it difficult for the guide to impart +his information only to those who had paid for it. He generally +surmounted this by saying, "Ladies and genelmen, I want you to stick +closer than brothers. When you hear me a-talkin' don' you go turnin' +over your Baedekers and lookin' out of the window. If I didn't know a +great big sight more about Versailles than Baedeker does I wouldn't be +here makin' a clown of myself; an' I'll show you the view out of the +window all in good time. You see that lady an' two genelmen over there? +<i>They're</i> listenin' all right enough because they don't belong to this +party an' they want to get a little information cheap price. All +right—I let 'em have it!" At which the lady and two gentlemen usually +melted away looking annoyed.</p> + +<p>We were fascinated with the coaches of state and much impressed with the +cost of them. As momma said, it took so very <i>little</i> imagination to +conjure up a Royal Philip inside bowing to the populace.</p> + +<p>"What a pity we couldn't have had them over!" said poppa indiscreetly.</p> + +<p>"Where you mean?" demanded the guide, "over to America? I know—for that +ole Chicago show! You are the five hundred American who has said that to +me this summer! Number five hundred! Nossir, we don't lend those +carriage. We don't even drive them ourself."</p> + +<p>"No more kings and queens nowadays," remarked Mr. Hinkson, "this +century's got no use for them."</p> + +<p>I think the guide was a Monarchist. "Nossir," he said, "you don't see no +more kings an' queens of France, but you do see a good many people +travellin' that's nothin' like so good for trade."</p> + +<p>At which Mr. Pabbley's eye sought that of the guide, and expressed its +appreciation in a marked and joyous wink.</p> + +<p>In the Palace, especially in the picture rooms, there were generally +benches along the walls. When momma observed this she arranged that she +should go on ahead and sit down and get the impression, while poppa and +I caught up from time to time with the guide and the information. The +guide was quite agreeable about it, when it was explained to him.</p> + +<p>He was either a very thoughtless or a very insincere person, however. +Stopping before the portrait of an officer in uniform, he drew us all +together. The Canadians, headed by Mr. Pabbley, were well to the fore, +and it was to them in particular that he appeared to address himself +when he said, "Take a good look at this picture, ladies and genelmen. +There is a man wat lives in your 'istory an', if I may say, in your +'art—as he does in ours. There's a man, ladies and genelmen, that +helped you on to liberty. Take a good look at 'im, you'll be glad to +remember it afterward."</p> + +<p>And it was General Lafayette!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII.</h2> + + +<p>It was after dinner and we were sitting in the little courtyard of the +hotel in the dark without our hats—that is, momma and I; the Senator +was seldom altogether without his hat. I think he would have felt it to +be a little indecent. The courtyard was paved, and there were flowers on +the stand in the middle of it, natural palms and artificial begonias +mixed with the most annoying cleverness, and little tables for coffee +cups or glasses were scattered about. Outside beyond the hotel vestibule +one could see and hear Paris rolling by in the gaslight. It was the only +place in the hotel that did not smell of furniture, so we frequented it. +So did Mr. Malt and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. That +was chiefly how we made the acquaintance of the Malt party. You can't +very well sit out in the dark in a foreign capital with a family from +your own State and not get to know them. Besides poppa never could +overcome his feeling of indebtedness to Mr. Malt. They were taking +Emmeline abroad for her health. She was the popular thirteen-year-old +only child of American families, and she certainly was thin. I remember +being pleased, sometimes, considering her in her typical capacity, that +I once had a little brother, though he died before I was born.</p> + +<p>The two gentlemen were smoking; we could see nothing but the ends of +their cigars glowing in their immediate vicinity. Momma was saying that +the situation was very romantic, and Mr. Malt had assured her that it +was nothing to what we would experience in Italy. "That's where you +<i>get</i> romance," said Mr. Malt, and his cigar end dropped like a falling +star as he removed the ash. "Italy's been romantic ever since B.C. All +through the time the rest of the world was inventing Magna Chartas and +Doomsday Books, and Parliaments, and printing presses, and steam +engines, Italy's gone right on turning out romance. Result is, a better +quality of that article to be had in Italy to-day than anywhere else. +Further result, twenty million pounds spent there annually by tourists +from all parts of the civilised world. Romance, like anything else, can +be made to pay."</p> + +<p>"Are we likely to find the beds——" began Mrs. Malt plaintively.</p> + +<p>"Oh dear yes, Mrs. Malt!" interrupted momma, who thought everything +entomological extremely indelicate. "Perfectly. You have only to go to +the hotels the guide-books recommend, and everything will be quite +<i>propre</i>."</p> + +<p>"Well," said Emmeline, "they may be <i>propre</i> in Italy, but they're not +<i>propre</i> in Paris. We had to speak to the housemaid yesterday morning, +didn't we, mother? Don't you remember the back of my neck?"</p> + +<p>"We all suffered!" declared Mrs. Malt.</p> + +<p>"And I <i>showed</i> one to her, mother, and all she would say was, '<i>Jamais +ici, mademoiselle, ici, jamais!</i>' And there it <i>was</i> you know."</p> + +<p>"Emmeline," said her father, "isn't it about time for you to want to go +to bed?"</p> + +<p>"Not by about three hours. I'm going to get up a little music first. Do +you play, Mis' Wick?"</p> + +<p>Momma said she didn't, and Miss Malt disappeared in search of other +performers. "Don't you go asking strangers to play, Emmeline," her +mother called after her. "They'll think it forward of you."</p> + +<p>"When Emmeline leaves us," said her father, "I always have a kind of +abandoned feeling, like a top that's got to the end of its spin."</p> + +<p>There was silence for a moment, and then the Senator said he thought he +could understand that.</p> + +<p>"Well," continued Mr. Malt, "you've had three whole days now. I presume +you're beginning to know your way around."</p> + +<p>"I think we may say we've made pretty good use of our time," responded +the Senator. "This morning we had a look in at the Luxembourg picture +gallery, and the Madeleine, and Napoleon's Tomb, and the site of the +Bastile. This afternoon we took a run down to Notre Dame Cathedral. +That's a very fine building, sir."</p> + +<p>"You saw the Morgue, of course, when you were in that direction," +remarked Mr. Malt.</p> + +<p>"Why no," poppa confessed, "we haven't taken much of liking for live +Frenchmen, up to the present, and I don't suppose dead ones would be any +more attractive."</p> + +<p>"Oh, there's nothing unpleasant," said Mrs. Malt, "nothing that you can +<i>notice</i>."</p> + +<p>"Nothing at all," said Mr. Malt. "They refrigerate them, you know. We +send our beef to England by the same process——"</p> + +<p>"There are people," the Senator interrupted, "who never can see anything +amusing in a corpse."</p> + +<p>"They don't let you in as a matter of course," Mr. Malt went on. "You +have to pretend that you're looking for a relation."</p> + +<p>"We had to mention Uncle Sammy," said Mrs. Malt.</p> + +<p>"An uncle of Mis' Malt's who went to California in '49 and was never +heard of afterward," Mr. Malt explained. "First use he's ever been to +his family. Well, there they were, seven of 'em, lying there looking at +you yesterday. All in good condition. I was told they have a place +downstairs for the older ones."</p> + +<p>"Alexander," said momma faintly, "I think I <i>should</i> like a little +brandy in my coffee. Were there—were there any ladies among them, Mr. +Malt?"</p> + +<p>"Three," Mr. Malt responded briskly, "and one of them had her hair——"</p> + +<p>"Then <i>please</i> don't tell us about them," momma exclaimed, and the +silence that ensued was one of slight indignation on the part of the +Malt family.</p> + +<p>"You been seeing the town at all, evenings?" Mr. Malt inquired of the +Senator.</p> + +<p>"I can't say I have. We've been seeing so much of it in the daytime, we +haven't felt able to enjoy anything at night except our beds," poppa +returned with his accustomed candour.</p> + +<p>"Just so. All the same there's a good deal going on in Paris after +supper."</p> + +<p>"So I've always been told," said the Senator, lighting another cigar.</p> + +<p>"They've got what you might call characteristic shows here. You see a +lot of life."</p> + +<p>"Can you take your ladies?" asked the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Well of course you <i>can</i>, but I don't believe they would find it +interesting."</p> + +<p>"Too much life," said the Senator. "I guess that settles it for me too. +I daresay I'm lacking in originality and enterprise, but I generally ask +myself about an entertainment, 'Are Mrs. and Miss Wick likely to enjoy +it?' If so, well and good. If not, I don't as a rule take it in."</p> + +<p>"He's a great comfort that way," remarked momma to Mrs. Malt.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I don't <i>frequent</i> them myself," said Mr. Malt defensively.</p> + +<p>"Talking of improprieties," remarked Miss Callis, "have you seen the +New Salon?"</p> + +<p>There was something very unexpected about Miss Callis; momma complained +of it. Her remarks were never polished by reflection. She called herself +a child of nature, but she really resided in Brooklyn.</p> + +<p>The Senator said we had not.</p> + +<p>"Then don't you go, Mr. Wick. There's a picture there——"</p> + +<p>"We never look at such pictures, Miss Callis," momma interrupted.</p> + +<p>"It's <i>so</i> French," said Miss Callis.</p> + +<p>Momma drew her shawl round her preparatory to withdrawing, but it was +too late.</p> + +<p>"Too French for words," continued Miss Callis. "The poet Lamartine, with +a note-book and pencil in his hand, seated in a triumphal chariot, drawn +through the clouds by beautiful Muses."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said momma, in a relieved voice, "there's nothing so dreadfully +French about that."</p> + +<p>"You should have seen it," said Miss Callis. "It was simply immoral. +Lamartine was in a frock coat!"</p> + +<p>"There could have been nothing objectionable in that," momma repeated. +"I suppose the Muses——"</p> + +<p>"The Muses were not in frock coats. They were dressed in their +traditions," replied Miss Callis, "but they couldn't save the situation, +poor dears."</p> + +<p>Momma looked as if she wished she had the courage to ask Miss Callis to +explain.</p> + +<p>"In picture galleries," remarked poppa, "we've seen only the Luxembourg +and the Louvre. The Louvre, I acknowledge, is worthy of a second visit. +But I don't believe we'll have time to get round again."</p> + +<p>"We've got to get a hustle on ourselves in a day or two," said Mr. Malt, +as we separated for the night. "There's all Italy and Switzerland +waiting for us, and they're bound to be done, because we've got circular +tickets. But there's something about this town that I hate to leave."</p> + +<p>"He doesn't know whether it's the Arc de Triomphe on the Bois de +Boulogne or the Opera Comique, or what," said Mrs. Malt in affectionate +criticism. "But we've been here a week over our time now, and he doesn't +seem able to tear himself away."</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you what it is," exclaimed Mr. Malt, producing a newspaper, +"it's this little old <i>New York Herald</i>. There's no use comparing it +with any American newspaper, and it wouldn't be fair to do so; but I +wonder these French rags, in a foreign tongue, aren't ashamed to be +published in the same capital with it. It doesn't take above a quarter +of an hour to read in the mornings, but it's a quarter of an hour of +solid comfort that you don't expect somehow abroad. If the <i>New York +Herald</i> were only published in Rome I wouldn't mind going there."</p> + +<p>"There's something," said poppa, thoughtfully, as we ascended to the +third floor, "in what Malt says."</p> + +<p>Next day we spent an hour buying trunks for the accommodation of the +unattainable elsewhere. Then poppa reminded us that we had an important +satisfaction yet to experience. "Business before pleasure," he said, +"certainly. But we've been improving our minds pretty hard for the last +few days, and I feel the need of a little relaxation. D.V. and W.P., I +propose this afternoon to make the ascent of the Eiffel Tower. Are you +on?"</p> + +<p>"I will accompany you, Alexander, if it is safe," said momma, "and, if +it is unsafe, I couldn't possibly let you go without me."</p> + +<p>Momma is naturally a person of some timidity, but when the Senator +proposes to incur any danger, she always suggests that he shall do it +over her dead body.</p> + +<p>I forget where we were at the time, but I know that we had only to walk +through the perpetual motion of Paris, across a bridge, and down a few +steps on the other side, to find the little steamer that took us by the +river to the Tower. We might have gone by omnibus or by fiacre, but if +we had we should never have known what a street the Seine is, sliding +through Paris, brown in the open sun, dark under the shadowing arches of +the bridges, full of hastening comers and goers from landing-place to +landing-place, up and down. It gave us quite a new familiarity with the +river, which had been before only a part of the landscape, and one of +the things that made Paris imposing. We saw that it was a highway of +traffic, and that the little, brisk, business-like steamers were full of +people, who went about in them because it was the cheapest and most +convenient way, and not at all for the pleasure of a trip by water. We +noticed, too, a difference in these river-going people. Some of them +carried baskets, and some of them read the <i>Petit Journal</i>, and they all +comfortably submitted to the good-natured bullying of the mariner in +charge. There were elderly women in black, with a button or two off +their tight bodices, and children with patched shoes carrying an +assortment of vegetables, and middle-aged men in slouch hats, smoking +tobacco that would have been forbidden by public statute anywhere else. +They all treated us with a respect and consideration which we had not +observed in the Avenue de l'Opera, and I noticed the Senator visibly +expanding in it. There was also a man and a little boy, and a dog, all +lunching out of the same basket. Afterward, on being requested to do so, +the dog performed tricks—French ones—to the enjoyment and satisfaction +of all three. There was a great deal of politeness and good feeling, and +if they were not Capi and Remi and Vitalis in "<i>Sans Famille</i>," it was +merely because their circumstances were different.</p> + +<p>As we stood looking at the Eiffel Tower, poppa said he thought if he +were in my place he wouldn't describe it. "It's old news," he said, "and +there's nothing the general public dislike so much as that. Every +hotel-porter in Chicago knows that it's three hundred metres high, and +that you can see through it all the way up. There it is, and I feel as +if I'd passed my boyhood in its shadow. That way I must say it's a +disappointment. I was expecting it to be more unexpected, if you +understand."</p> + +<p>Momma and I quite agreed. It had the familiarity of a demonstration of +Euclid, and to the non-engineering mind was about as interesting. The +Senator felt so well acquainted with it that he hesitated about buying a +descriptive pamphlet. "They want to sell a stranger too much information +in this country," he said. "The meanest American intelligence is equal +to stepping into an elevator and stepping out again." But he bought one +nevertheless, and was particularly pleased with it, not only because it +was the cheapest thing in Paris at five cents, but because, as he said +himself, it contained an amount of enthusiasm not usually available at +any price.</p> + +<p>The Senator thought, as we entered the elevator at the first story, that +the accommodation compared very well indeed with anything in his +experience. He had only one criticism—there was no smoking-room. We had +a slight difficulty with momma at the second story—she did not wish to +change her elevator. Inside she said she felt perfectly secure, but the +tower itself she knew <i>must</i> waggle at that height when once you stepped +out. In the end, however, we persuaded her not to go down before she had +made the ascent, and she rose to the top with her eyes shut. When we +finally got out, however, the sight of numbers of young ladies selling +Eiffel Tower mementoes steadied her nerves. She agreed with poppa that +business premises would never let on anything but the most stable basis.</p> + +<p>"It's exactly as Bramley said," remarked the Senator. "You're up so high +that the scenery, so far as Paris is concerned, becomes perfectly +ridiculous. It might as well be a map."</p> + +<p>"<i>Don't</i> look over, Alexander," said momma. "It will fill you with a +wild desire to throw yourself down. It is said <i>always</i> to have that +effect."</p> + +<p>"'The past ends in this plain at your feet,'" quoted poppa critically +from the guide-book, "'the future will there be fulfilled.' I suppose +they did feel a bit uppish when they'd got as high as this—but you'd +think France was about the only republic at present doing business, +wouldn't you?"</p> + +<p>I pointed out the Pantheon down below and St. Etienne du Mont, and poppa +was immediately filled with a poignant regret that we had spent so much +time seeing public buildings on foot. "Whereas," said he, "from our +present point of view we could have done them all in ten minutes. As it +is, we shall be in a position to say we've seen everything there is to +be seen in Paris. Bramley won't be able to tell us it's a pity we've +missed anything. However," he continued, "we must be conscientious about +it. I've no desire to play it low down on Bramley. Let us walk round and +pick out the places of interest he's most likely to expect to catch us +on, and look at them separately. I should hate to think I wasn't telling +the truth about a thing like that."</p> + +<p>We walked round and specifically observed the "Ecole des Beaux Arts," +the "Palais d'Industrie," "Liberty Enlightening the World," and other +objects, poppa carefully noting against each of them "seen from Eiffel +Tower." As we made our way to the river side we noticed four other +people, two ladies and two gentlemen, looking at the military balloon +hanging over Meudon. They all had their backs to us, and there was to me +something dissimilarly familiar about three of those backs. While I was +trying to analyse it one of the gentlemen turned, and caught sight of +poppa. In another instant the highest elevation yet made by engineering +skill was the scene of three impetuous American handclasps, and four +impulsive American voices were saying, "Why how <i>do</i> you do!" The +gentleman was Mr. Richard Dod of Chicago, known to our family without +interruption since he wore long clothes. Mr. Dod had come into his +patrimony and simultaneously disappeared in the direction of Europe six +months before, since when we had only heard vaguely that he had lost +most of it, but was inalterably cheerful; and there was nobody, +apparently, he expected so little or desired so much to see in Paris as +the Senator, momma and me. Poppa called him "Dick, my boy," momma called +him "my dear Dicky," I called him plain "Dick," and when this had been +going on for, possibly, five minutes, the older and larger of the two +ladies of the party swung round with a majesty I at once associated with +my earlier London experiences, and regarded us through her <i>pince nez</i>. +There was no mistaking her disapproval. I had seen it before. We were +Americans and she was Mrs. Portheris of Half Moon-street, Piccadilly. I +saw that she recognised me and was trying to make up her mind whether, +in view of the complication of Mr. Dod, to bow or not. But the woman who +hesitates is lost, even though she be a British matron of massive +prejudices and a figure to match. In Mrs. Portheris's instant of +vacillation, I stepped forward with such enthusiasm that she was +compelled to take down her <i>pince nez</i> and hold out a superior hand. I +took it warmly, and turned to my parents with a joy which was not in the +least affected. "Momma," I exclaimed, "try to think of the very last +person who would naturally cross your mind—our relation, Mrs. +Portheris. Poppa, allow me to introduce you to your aunt—Mrs. +Portheris. Your far distant nephew from Chicago, Mr. Joshua Peter Wick.</p> + +<p>It was a moment to be remembered—we all said so afterwards. Everything +hung upon Mrs. Portheris's attitude. But it was immediately evident that +Mrs. Portheris considered parents of any kind excusable, even +commendable! Her manner said as much—it also implied, however, that she +could not possibly be held responsible for transatlantic connections by +a former marriage. Momma was nervous, but collected. She bowed a distant +Wastgaggle bow, an heirloom in the family, which gave Mrs. Portheris to +understand that if any cordiality was to characterise the occasion, it +would have to emanate from her. Besides, Mrs. Portheris was poppa's +relation, and would naturally have to be guarded against. Poppa, on the +other hand, was cordiality itself—he always is.</p> + +<p>"Why, is that so?" said poppa, looking earnestly at Mrs. Portheris and +firmly retaining her hand. "Is this my very own Aunt Caroline?"</p> + +<p>"At one time," responded Mrs. Portheris with a difficult smile, "and, I +fear, by marriage only."</p> + +<p>"Ah, to be sure, to be sure! Poor Uncle Jimmy gave place to another. But +we won't say anything more about that. Especially as you've been equally +unfortunate with your second," said poppa sympathetically. "Well, I'm +sure I'm pleased to meet you—glad to shake you by the hand." He gave +that member one more pressure as he spoke and relinquished it.</p> + +<p>"It is extremely unlooked for," replied his Aunt Caroline, and looked at +Mr. Dod, who quailed, as if he were in some way responsible for it. "I +confess I am not in the habit of meeting my connections promiscuously +abroad." When we came to analyse the impropriety of this it was +difficult, but we felt as a family very disreputable at the time. Mr. +Dod radiated sympathy for us. Poppa looked concerned.</p> + +<p>"The fact is," said he, "we ought to have called on you at your London +residence, Aunt Caroline. And if we had been able to make a more +protracted stay than just about long enough, as you might say, to see +what time it was, we would have done so. But you see how it was."</p> + +<p>"Pray don't mention it," said Mrs. Portheris. "It is very unlikely that +I should have been at home."</p> + +<p>"Then <i>that's</i> all right," poppa replied with relief.</p> + +<p>"London has so many monuments," murmured Dicky Dod, regarding Mrs. +Portheris's impressive back. "It is quite impossible to visit them all."</p> + +<p>"The view from here," our relation remarked in a leave-taking tone, "is +very beautiful, is it not?"</p> + +<p>"It's very extensive," replied poppa, "but I notice the inhabitants +round about seem to think it embraces the biggest part of civilisation. +I admit it's a good-sized view, but that's what I call enlarging upon +it."</p> + +<p>"Come, Mr. Dod," commanded Mrs. Portheris, "we must rejoin the rest of +our party. They are on the other side."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said Dicky. "But you must give me your address, Mrs. Wick. +Thanks. And there now! I've been away from Illinois a good long time, +but I'm not going to forget to congratulate Chicago on getting you once +more into the United States Senate, Mr. Wick. I did what I could in my +humble way, you know."</p> + +<p>"I <i>know</i> you did, Richard," returned poppa warmly, "and if there's any +little Consulship in foreign parts that it would amuse you to fill——"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris, in the act of exchanging unemotional farewells with +mamma, turned round. "Do I understand that you are now a <i>Senator</i>?" she +inquired. "I had no idea of it. It is certainly a distinction—an +American distinction, of course—but you can't help that. It does you +credit. I trust you will use your influence to put an end to the +Mormons."</p> + +<p>"As far as that goes," poppa returned with deprecation, "I believe my +business does take me to the Capitol pretty regularly now. But I'd be +sorry to think any more of myself on that account. Your nephew, Aunt +Caroline, is just the same plain American he was before."</p> + +<p>"I hope you will vote to exterminate them," continued Mrs. Portheris +with decision. "Dear me! A Senator—I suppose you must have a great deal +of influence in your own country! Ah, here are the truants! We might all +go down in the lift together."</p> + +<p>The truants appeared looking conscious. One of them, when he saw me, +looked astonished as well, and I cannot say that I myself was perfectly +unmoved when I realised that it was Mr. Mafferton! There was no reason +why Mr. Mafferton should not have been at the top of the Eiffel Tower in +the society of Mrs. Portheris, Mr. Dod, and another, that afternoon, but +for the moment it seemed to me uniquely amazing. We shook hands, +however—it was the only thing to do—and Mr. Mafferton said this was +indeed a surprise as if it were the most ordinary thing possible. Mrs. +Portheris looked on at our greeting with an air of objecting to things +she had not been taught to expect, and remarked that she had no idea Mr. +Mafferton was one of my London acquaintances. "But then," she continued +in a tone of just reproach, "I saw so little of you during your season +in town that you might have made the Queen's acquaintance and all the +Royal Family, and I should have been none the wiser."</p> + +<p>It was too much to expect of one's momma that she should let an +opportunity like that slip, and mine took hold of it with both hands.</p> + +<p>"I believe my daughter did make Victoria's acquaintance, Mrs. +Portheris," said she, "and we were all very pleased about it. Your Queen +has a very good reputation in our country. We think her a wise sovereign +and a perfect lady. I suppose you often go to her Drawing Rooms."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris wore the expression of one passing through the Stone Age +to a somewhat more mobile period. "I really think," she said, "I should +have been made aware of that. To have had a young relative presented +without one's knowledge seems <i>too</i> extraordinary. No," she continued, +turning to poppa, "the only thing I heard of this young lady—it came to +me in a <i>very</i> roundabout manner—was that she had gone home to be +<i>married</i>. Was not that your intention?" asked Mrs. Portheris, turning +to me.</p> + +<p>"It was," I said. There was nothing else to say.</p> + +<p>"Then may I inquire if you fulfilled it?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't, Mrs. Portheris," said I. I was very red, but not so red as +Mr. Mafferton. "Circumstances interfered." I was prepared for an inquiry +as to what the circumstances were, and privately made up my mind that +Mrs. Portheris was too distant a relation to be gratified with such +information in the publicity of the Eiffel Tower. But she merely looked +at me with suspicion, and said it was much better that young people +should discover their unsuitability to one another before marriage than +after. "I can conceive nothing more shocking than divorce," said Mrs. +Portheris, and her tone indicated that I had probably narrowly escaped +it.</p> + +<p>We were rather a large party as we made our way to the elevator, and I +found myself behind the others in conversation with Dicky Dod. It was a +happiness to come thus unexpectedly upon Dicky Dod—he gave forth all +that is most exhilarating in our democratic civilisation, and he was in +excellent spirits. As the young lady of Mrs. Portheris's party joined us +I thought I found a barometric reading in Mr. Dod's countenance that +explained the situation. "I remember you," she said shyly, and there was +something in this innocent audacity and the blush which accompanied it +that helped me to remember her too. "You came to see mamma in Half +Moon-street once. I am Isabel."</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" I replied, "so you are. I remember—you had to go upstairs, +hadn't you. Please don't mind," I went on hastily as Isabel looked +distressed, "you couldn't help it. I was very unexpected, and I might +have been dangerous. How—how you've <i>grown</i>!" I really couldn't think +of anything else to say.</p> + +<p>Isabel blushed again, Dicky observing with absorbed adoration. It <i>was</i> +lovely colour. "You know I haven't really," she said, "it's all one's +long frocks and doing up one's hair, you know."</p> + +<p>"Miss Portheris only came out two months ago," remarked Mr. Dod, with +the effect of announcing that Venus had just arisen from the foam.</p> + +<p>"Come, young people," Mrs. Portheris exclaimed from the lift; "we are +waiting for you." Poppa and momma and Mr. Mafferton were already inside. +Mrs. Portheris stood in the door. As Isabel entered, I saw that Mr. Dod +was making the wildest efforts to communicate something to me with his +left eye.</p> + +<p>"Come, young people," repeated Mrs. Portheris.</p> + +<p>"Do you think it's safe for so many?" asked Dicky doubtfully. "Suppose +anything should <i>give</i>, you know!"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris looked undecided. Momma, from the interior, immediately +proposed to get out.</p> + +<p>"Safe as a church," remarked the Senator.</p> + +<p>"What <i>do</i> you mean, Dod?" demanded Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"Well, it's like this," said Dicky; "Miss Wick is rather nervous about +overcrowding, and I think it's better to run no risks myself. You all go +down, and we'll follow you next trip. See?"</p> + +<p>"I suppose you will hardly allow <i>that</i>, Mrs. Wick," said our relation, +with ominous portent.</p> + +<p>"<i>Est ce que vous voulez à déscendre, monsieur?</i>" inquired the official +attached to the elevator, with some impatience.</p> + +<p>"I don't see what there is to object to—I suppose it <i>would</i> be safer," +momma replied anxiously, and the official again demanded if we were +going down.</p> + +<p>"Not this trip, thank you," said Dicky, and turned away. Mrs. Portheris, +who had taken her seat, rose with dignity. "In that case," said she, "I +also will remain at the top;" but her determination arrived too late. +With a ferocious gesture the little official shut the door and gave the +signal, and Mrs. Portheris sank earthwards, a vision of outraged +propriety. I felt sorry for momma.</p> + +<p>"And now," I inquired of Mr. Dod, "why was the elevator not safe?"</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you," said Dicky. "Do you know Mrs. Portheris well?"</p> + +<p>"Very slightly indeed," I replied.</p> + +<p>"Not well enough to—sort of chum up with our party, I suppose."</p> + +<p>"Not for worlds," said I.</p> + +<p>Dicky looked so disconsolate that I was touched.</p> + +<p>"Still," I said, "you'd better trot out the circumstances, Dicky. We +haven't forgotten what you did in your humble way, you know, at election +time. I can promise for the family that we'll do anything we can. You +mustn't ask us to poison her, but we might lead her into the influenza."</p> + +<p>"It's this way," said Mr. Dod. "How remarkably contracted the Place de +la Concorde looks down there, doesn't it! It's like looking through the +wrong end of an opera glass."</p> + +<p>"I've observed that," I said. "It won't be fair to keep them waiting +<i>very</i> long down there on the earth, you know, Dicky."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not! Well, as I was saying, your poppa's Aunt Caroline is a +perfect fiend of a chaperone. By Jove, Mamie, let's be silhouetted!"</p> + +<p>"Poppa was silhouetted," I said, "and the artist turned him out the +image of Senator Frye. Now he doesn't resemble Senator Frye in the least +degree. The elevator is ascending, Richard."</p> + +<p>Richard blushed and looked intently at the horizon beyond Montmartre.</p> + +<p>"You see, between Miss Portheris and me, it's this way," he began +recklessly, but with the vision before my eyes of momma on the steps +below wanting her tea, I cut him short.</p> + +<p>"So far as you are concerned, Dicky, I see the way it is," I interposed +sympathetically. "The question is——"</p> + +<p>"Exactly. So it is. About Isabel. But I can't find out. It seems to be +so difficult with an English girl. Doesn't seem to think such a thing as +a—a proposal exists. Now an American girl is just as ready——"</p> + +<p>"Richard," I interrupted severely, "the circumstances do not require +international comparisons. By the way, how do you happen to be +travelling with—with Mr. Mafferton?"</p> + +<p>"That's exactly where it comes in," Mr. Dod exclaimed luminously. "You'd +think, the way Mafferton purrs round the old lady, he'd been a friend of +the family from the beginning of time! Fact is, he met them two days +before they left London. <i>I</i> had known them a good month, and the +venerable one seemed to take to me considerably. There wasn't a cab she +wouldn't let me call, nor a box at the theatre she wouldn't occupy, nor +a supper she wouldn't try to enjoy. Used to ask me to tea. Inquired +whether I was High or Low. That was awful, because I had to chance it, +being Congregational, but I hit it right—she's Low, too, strong. Isabel +always made the tea out of a canister the old lady kept locked. Singular +habit that, locking tea up in a canister."</p> + +<p>"You are wandering, Dicky," I said. "And Isabel used to ask you whether +you would have muffins or brown bread and butter—I know. Go on."</p> + +<p>"Girls <i>have</i> intuition," remarked Mr. Dod with a glance of admiration +which I discounted with contempt. "Well, then old Mafferton turned up +here a week ago. Since then I haven't been waltzing in as I did before. +Old lady seems to think there's a chance of keeping the family pure +English—seems to think she'd like it better—see? At least, I take it +that way; he's cousin to a lord," Dick added dejectedly, "and you know +financially I've been coming through a cold season."</p> + +<p>"It's awkward," I admitted, "but old ladies of no family are like that +over here. I know Mrs. Portheris is an old lady of no family, because +she's a connection of ours, you see. What about Isabel? Can't you tell +the least bit?"</p> + +<p>"How can a fellow? She blushes just as much when he speaks to her as +when I do."</p> + +<p>"But are you quite sure," I asked delicately, "whether Mr. Mafferton +is—interested?"</p> + +<p>"There's the worst kind of danger of it," Dicky replied impressively. "I +don't know whether I ought to tell you, but the fact is Mafferton's just +got the sack—I beg your pardon—just been <i>congéed</i> himself. They say +she was an American and it was a bad case; she behaved most +unfeelingly."</p> + +<p>"You shouldn't believe all you hear," I said, "but I don't see what that +has to do with it."</p> + +<p>"Why, he's just in the mood to console himself. What fellow would think +twice of being thrown over, if Miss Portheris were the alternative!"</p> + +<p>"It depends, Dicky," I observed. "You are jumping at conclusions."</p> + +<p>"What I hoped," he went on regretfully as we took our places in the +elevator, "was that we might travel together a bit and that you wouldn't +mind just now and then taking old Mafferton off our hands, you know."</p> + +<p>"Dicky," I said, as we swiftly descended, "here is our itinerary. +Genoa, you see, then Pisa, Rome, Naples, Rome again, Florence, Venice, +Verona, up through the lakes to Switzerland, and so on. We leave +to-morrow. If we <i>should</i> meet again, I don't promise to undertake it +personally, but I'll see what momma can do."</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus112"></a><img src="./images/illus112.jpg" alt="Breakfast with Dicky Dod." title="Breakfast with Dicky Dod." /></div> + +<h5>Breakfast with Dicky Dod.</h5> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.</h2> + + +<p>Poppa said as we steamed out of Paris that night that the Presidency +itself would not induce him to reside there, and I think he meant it. I +don't know whether the omnibus <i>numeros</i> and the <i>correspondances</i> where +you change, or the men sitting staring on the side walks drinking things +for hours at a time, or getting no vegetables to speak of with his +joint, annoyed him most, but he was very decided in his views. Momma and +I were not quite so certain; we had a guilty sense of ingratitude when +we thought of the creations in the van; but the cobblestones biassed +momma a good deal, who hoped she should get some sleep in Italy. I had +breakfasted that morning in the most amusing way with Dicky Dod at a +<i>café</i> in the Champs Elysées—poppa and momma had an engagement with Mr. +and Mrs. Malt and couldn't come—and in the leniency of the recollection +I said something favourable about the Arc de Triomphe at sunset; but I +gathered from the Senator's remarks that, while the sunset was fine +enough, he didn't see the propriety in using it that way as a background +for Napoleon Bonaparte, so to speak.</p> + +<p>"Result is," said the Senator, "the intelligent foreigner's got pretty +nearly to go out of the town to see a sunset without having to think +about Aboukir and Alexandria. But that's Paris all over. There isn't a +street, or a public building, or a statue, or a fountain, or a thing +that doesn't shout at you, 'Look at me! Think about me! Your admiration +or your life!' Those Frenchmen don't mind it because it only repeats +what they're always saying themselves, but if you're a foreigner it gets +on your nerves. That city is too uniformly fine to be of much use to +me—it keeps me all the time wondering why I'm not in one eternal good +humour to match. There's good old London now—always looks, I should +think, just as you feel. Looks like history, too, and change, and +contrast, and the different varieties of the human lot."</p> + +<p>"I see what you mean, poppa," I said. "There's too much equality in +Paris, isn't there—to be interesting," but the Senator was too deeply +engaged in getting out momma's smelling salts to corroborate this +interpretation.</p> + +<p>It is a very long way to Genoa if you don't stop at Aix-les-Bains or +anywhere—twenty-four hours—but Mont Cenis occurs in the night, which +is suitable in a tunnel. There came a chill through the darkness that +struck to one's very marrow, and we all rose with one accord and groped +about for more rugs. When broad daylight came it was Savoy, and we +realised what we had been through. The Senator was inclined to deplore +missing the realisation of the Mont Cenis, and it was only when momma +said it was a pity he hadn't taken a train that would have brought us +through in the daytime and enabled him to examine it, that he ceased to +express regret. My parents are often vehicles of philosophy for each +other.</p> + +<p>Besides, in the course of the morning the Senator acknowledged that he +got more tunnels than he had any idea he had paid for. They came with a +precipitancy that interfered immensely with any connected idea of the +scenery, though momma, in my interest, did her best to form one. "Note, +my love," she said, as we began to penetrate the frontier country, "that +majestic blue summit on the horizon to the left"—obliteration, and +another tunnel! "<i>Don't</i> miss that jagged line of snows just beyond the +back of poppa's head, dear one. Quick! they are melting away!"—but the +next tunnel was quicker. "Put down that the dazzling purity of these +lovely peaks must be realised, for it cannot be"—darkness, and the +blight of another tunnel. It was very hard on momma's imagination, and +she finally accepted the Senator's warning that it would be thrown +completely out of gear if she went on, and abandoned the attempt to form +complete sentences between tunnels. It was much simpler to exclaim +"Splendid!" or "Glorious!" which one could generally do without being +interrupted.</p> + +<p>We were not prepared to enjoy anything when we arrived at Genoa, but +there was Christopher Columbus in bronze, just outside the station in a +little place by himself, and we felt bound to give him our attention +before we went any further. He was patting America on the head, both of +them life size, and carrying on that historical argument with his +sailors in bas-relief below; and he looked a very fine character. As +poppa said, he was just the man you would pick out to discover America. +The Senator also remarked that you could see from the position of the +statue, right there in full view of the travelling public, that the +Genoese thought a lot of Columbus; relied upon him, in fact, as their +biggest attraction. Momma examined him from the carriage. She said it +was most gratifying to see him there in his own home, so to speak; but +her enthusiasm did not induce her to get out. Momma's patriotism has +always to be considered in connection with the state of her nerves.</p> + +<p>The state of all our nerves was healed in a quarter of an hour. The +Senator showed his coupons somewhat truculently, but they were received +as things of price with disarming bows and real gladness. We were led +through rambling passages into lofty white chambers, with marble floors +and iron bedsteads, full of simplicity and cleanliness, where we removed +all recollections of Paris without being obliged to consider a stuffy +carpet or satin-covered furniture. Italy, in the persons of the +<i>portier</i> and the chambermaid, laid hold of us with intelligible smiles, +and we were charmed. Inside, the place was full of long free lines and +cool polished surfaces, and pleasant curves. Outside, a thick-fronded +palm swayed in the evening wind against a climbing hill of many-tinted, +many-windowed houses, in all the soft colours we knew of before. When +the <i>portier</i> addressed momma as "Signora" her cup of bliss ran over, +and she made up her mind that she felt able, after all, to go down to +dinner.</p> + +<p>Remembering their sentiments, we bowed as slightly as possible when we +saw the Miss Binghams across the table, and the Senator threw that into +his voice, as he inquired how they liked <i>la belle Italie</i> so far, and +whether they had had any trouble with their trunks coming in, which +might have given them to understand that his politeness was very +perfunctory. If they perceived it, they allowed it to influence them the +other way, however. They asked, almost as cordially as if we were +middle-class English people, whether we had actually survived that trip +to Versailles, and forbore to comment when we said we had enjoyed it, +beyond saying that if there was one enviable thing it was the American +capacity for pleasure. Yet one could see quite plainly that the vacuum +caused by the absence of the American capacity for pleasure was filled +in their case by something very superior to it.</p> + +<p>"This city new to you?" asked the Senator as the meal progressed.</p> + +<p>"In a <i>sense</i>, yes," replied Miss Nancy Bingham.</p> + +<p>"We've never <i>studied</i> it before," said Miss Cora.</p> + +<p>"I suppose it has a fascination all its own," remarked momma.</p> + +<p>"Oh, rather!" exclaimed Miss Nancy Bingham, and I reflected that when +she was in England she must have seen a great deal of school-boy +society. I decided at once, noting its effect upon the lips of a +middle-aged maiden lady, that momma must not be allowed to pick up the +expression.</p> + +<p>"It's simply full of associations of old families—the Dorias, the +Pallavicinis, the Durazzos," remarked Miss Cora. "Do you gloat on the +medieval?"</p> + +<p>"We're perfectly prepared to," said the Senator. "I believe we've got +both Murray and Baedeker for this place. Now do you commit your facts to +memory before going to bed the night previous, or do you learn them up +as you go along?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Miss Nancy Bingham, "we are of the opinion that one should +always visit these places with a mind prepared. Though I myself have no +objection to carrying a guide-book, provided it is covered with brown +paper."</p> + +<p>"Then you acquire it all beforehand," commented the Senator. "That, I +must say, is commendable of you. And it's certainly the only +business-like way of proceeding. The amount of time a person loses +fooling over Baedeker on the spot——"</p> + +<p>"One of us does," acknowledged Miss Nancy. "We take it in turns. And I +must say it is generally my sister." And she turned to Miss Cora, who +blushed and said, "How can you, Nancy!"</p> + +<p>"And you use her, for that particular public building or historic +scene, as a sort of portable, self-acting reference library," remarked +poppa. "That's an idea that commends itself to me, daughter, in +connection with you."</p> + +<p>I was about to reply in terms of deprecation, when a confusion of sound +drifted in from the street, of arriving cabs and expostulating voices. +The Miss Binghams looked at each other in consternation and said with +one accord, "It <i>was</i> the <i>Fulda</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Was it?" inquired poppa. "Do you refer to the German Lloyd steamship of +that name?"</p> + +<p>"We do," said Miss Nancy. "About an hour ago we were sure we saw her +steaming into the harbour."</p> + +<p>"She comes from New York, I suppose," momma remarked.</p> + +<p>"She does indeed," said Miss Nancy, "and she's been lying at the docks +unloading Americans ever since she arrived. And here they are. Cora, +have you finished?"</p> + +<p>Cora said she had, and without further parley the ladies rose and +rustled away. Their invading fellow-countrymen gratefully took their +places, and the Senator sent a glance of scorn after them strong enough +to make them turn round. After dinner, we saw a collection of cabin +trunks and valises standing in the entrance hall labelled BINGHAM, +and knew that Miss Nancy and Miss Cora were again in flight before the +Nemesis of the American Eagle. I will not repeat poppa's sentiments.</p> + +<p>On the hotel doorstep next morning waited Alessandro Bebbini. He waited +for us—an hour and a half, because momma had some re-packing to do and +we were going on next day. Nobody had asked him to wait, but he had a +carriage ready and the look of having been ordered three months +previously. He presented his card to the Senator, who glanced at him and +said, "Do I <i>look</i> as if I wanted a shave?"</p> + +<p>Alessandro Bebbini smiled—an olive flash of pity and amusement. "I make +not the shava, Signore," he said, "I am the courier—for your kind +dispositione I am here."</p> + +<p>"You should <i>never</i> judge foreigners by their appearance, Alexander," +rebuked momma.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Bebbini," said the Senator, "I guess I've got to apologise to +you. You see they told me inside there that I should probably find a—a +tonsorial artist out here on the steps"—poppa never minds telling a +story to save people's feelings. "But you haven't convinced me," he +continued, "that I've got any use for a courier."</p> + +<p>"You wish see Genoa—is it not?"</p> + +<p>"Well, yes," replied the Senator, "it is."</p> + +<p>"Then with me you come alonga. I will translate you the city—shoppia, +pallass—w'at you like. Also I am not dear man neither. In the season +yes. Then I am very dear. But now is nobody."</p> + +<p>"What does your time cost to buy?" demanded poppa.</p> + +<p>"Very cheap price. Two francs one hour. Ten francs one day. But if with +you I travel, make arrangimento, you und'stan', look for traina—'otel, +<i>biglietto, bagaglia</i>—then I am so little you laugh. Two 'undred franc +the month!" and Alessandro indicated with every muscle of his body the +amazement he expected us to feel.</p> + +<p>The Senator turned to the ladies of his family. "Now that I think of +it," he said, "travels in Italy are never written without a courier. +People wouldn't believe they were authentic. And Bramley said if you +really wanted to enjoy yourself it was folly not to engage one."</p> + +<p>"I suppose there's more <i>choice</i> in the season," said momma, glancing +disapprovingly at Alessandro's swarthy collar. "And I confess I should +have expected them to be garbed more picturesquely."</p> + +<p>"Look at his language," I remarked. "You can't have everything."</p> + +<p>The Senator said that was so. "I believe you can come along, Mr. +Bebbini," he said; "we're strangers here and we'll get you to help us to +enjoy ourselves for a month on the terms you name. You can begin right +away."</p> + +<p>Alessandro bowed and waved us to the carriage. It was only the ordinary +commercial bow of Italy, but I could see that it made a difference to +momma. He saw us seated and was climbing on the box when poppa +interfered. "There's no use trying to work it that way," he said; "we +can't ask you to twist your head off every time you emit a piece of +information. Besides, there's no sense in your riding on the box when +there's an extra seat. You won't crowd us any, Mr. Bebbini, and I guess +we can refrain from discussing family matters for <i>one</i> hour."</p> + +<p>So we started, with Mr. Bebbini at short range.</p> + +<p>"I think," said he, "you lika first off the 'ouse of Cristoforo +Colombo."</p> + +<p>"I don't see how you knew," said poppa, "but you are perfectly correct. +Cristoforo was one of the most distinguished Americans on the roll of +history, and we, also, are Americans. At once, at once to the habitation +of Cristoforo."</p> + +<p>Alessandro leaned forward impressively.</p> + +<p>"Who informa you Cristoforo Colombo was Americano? Better you don't +believe these other guide—ignoranta fella. Cristoforo was Genoa man, +born here, you und'stan'? Italiano. Only live in America a lill' +w'ile—to discover, you und'stan'?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Bebbini," said poppa, "if you go around contradicting Americans on +the subject of Christopher Columbus your business will decrease. As a +matter of fact, Christopher wasn't born, he was made, and America made +him. He has every right to claim to be considered an American, and it +was a little careless of him not to have founded a family there. We make +excuses for him—it's quite true he had very little time at his +disposal—but we feel it, the whole nation of us, to this day."</p> + +<p>The Via Balbi was cheerfully crooked and crowded, it had the modern +note of the street car, and the mediæval one of old women, arms akimbo, +in the nooks and recesses, selling big black cherries and bursting figs. +Even the old women though, as momma complained, wore postilion basques +and bell skirts, certainly in an advanced stage of usefulness, but of +unmistakable genesis—just what had been popular in Chicago a year or +two before.</p> + +<p>"Really, my love," said momma, "I don't know <i>what</i> we shall do for +description in Genoa, the people seem to wear no clothes worth +mentioning whatever." We concluded that all the city's characteristically +Italian garments were in the wash; they depended in novel cut and colour +from every window that did not belong to a bank or a university; and +sometimes, when the side street was narrow and the houses high, the effect +was quite imposing. Poppa asked Alessandro Bebbini whether they were +expecting royalty or anything, or whether it was like this every washing +day, and we gathered that there was nothing unusual about it. But poppa +said I had better mention it so that people might be prepared. Personally, +I rather liked the display, it gave such unexpected colour and incident to +those high-shouldering, narrow by-ways we looked down into from the upper +level of the Via Balbi, where only here and there the sun strove through, +and all the rest was a rich toned mystery; but there may be others like +momma, who prefer the clothes line of the Occident and the privacy of the +back yard.</p> + +<p>The two sides of the <i>Via Poverina</i> almost touched foreheads. "Yes," +said Alessandro Bebbini apologetically, "it is a <i>ver'</i> tight street."</p> + +<p>Poppa was extremely pleased with the appearance of the house of +Christopher Columbus, which Alessandro pointed out in the Via Assorotti. +It was a comfortable looking edifice, with stone giants supporting the +arch of the doorway, in every respect suitable as the residence of a +retired navigator of distinction. Poppa said it was very gratifying to +find that Cristoforo had been able, in his declining years, when he was +our only European representative, to keep his end up with credit to +America.</p> + +<p>You so often found the former abodes of glorious names with a modern +rental out of all proportion with their historic interest. This house, +poppa calculated, would let to-day at a figure discreditable neither to +Cristoforo himself, nor to the United States of America. Mr. Bebbini, +unfortunately, could not tell him what that figure was.</p> + +<p>On the steps of San Lorenzo Cathedral momma paused and cast a searching +glance into all the corners.</p> + +<p>"Where are the beggars?" she inquired, not without injury. "I have +<i>always</i> been given to understand that church entrances in Italy were +disgracefully thronged with beggars of the lowest type. I have never +seen a picture of a sacred building without them!"</p> + +<p>"So that was why you wanted so much small change, Augusta," said the +Senator. "Mr. Bebbini says there's a law against them nowadays. Now that +you mention it, I'm disappointed there too. Municipal progress in Italy +is something you've not prepared for somehow. I daresay if we only knew +it, they're thinking of lighting this town with electricity, and the +Board of Aldermen are considering contracts for cable cars."</p> + +<p>"Do not inquire, Alexander," begged momma, but the Senator had fallen +behind with Mr. Bebbini in earnest conversation, and we gathered that +its import was entirely modern.</p> + +<p>It was our first Italian church and it was impressive, for a President +of the French Republic had just fallen to the knife of an Italian +assassin, and from the altar to the door San Lorenzo was in mourning and +in penance. Masses for his soul's repose had that day been said and +sung; near the door hung a request for the prayers of all good +Christians to this end. Many of the grave-eyed people that came and went +were doubtless about this business, but one, I know, was there on a +private errand. He prayed at a chapel aside, kneeling on the floor +beside the railings, his cap in his hands, grasping it just as the +peasant in The Angelus grasps his. Inside the altar hung a picture of a +pitying woman, and there were candles and foolish flowers of tinsel, but +beside these, many tokens of hearts, gold and silver, thick below the +altar, crowding the partition walls. The hearts were grateful +ones—Alessandro explained in an undertone—brought and left by many +who had been preserved from violent death by the saint there, and he who +knelt was a workman just from hospital, who had fallen, with his son, +from a building. The boy had been killed, the father only badly hurt. +His heart token was the last—a little common thing—and tied with no +rejoiceful ribbon but with a scrap of crape. I hoped Heaven would see +the crape as well as the tribute. When we went away he was still +kneeling in his patched blue cotton clothes, and as the saint had very +beautiful kind eyes, and all the tinsel flowers were standing in the +glowing light of stained glass, and the voice of the Church had begun to +speak too, through the organ, I daresay he went away comforted.</p> + +<p>Momma says there is only one thing she recollects clearly about San +Lorenzo, and that is the Chapel of St. John the Baptist. This does not +remain in her memory because of the <i>Cinquecento</i> screen or the +altar-canopy's porphyry pillars which we know we must have seen because +the guide-book says they are there, but because of the fact that Pope +Innocent the Eighth had it closed to our sex for a long time, except on +one day of the year, on account of Herodias. Momma considered this +extremely invidious of Innocent the Eighth, and said it was a thing no +man except a Pope would have thought of doing. What annoyed poppa was +that she seemed to hold Alessandro Bebbini responsible, and covered him +with reproaches, in the guise of argument, which he neither deserved nor +understood. And when poppa suggested that she was probably as much to +blame for Herodias's conduct as Mr. Bebbini was for the Pope's, she said +that had nothing whatever to do with it, and she thanked Heaven she was +born a Protestant anyway, distinctly implying that Herodias was a Roman +Catholic. And if poppa didn't wish her back to give out altogether, +would he please return to the carriage.</p> + +<p>We wandered through a palace or two and thought how interesting it must +have been to be rich in the days of "Sir Horatio Palavasene, who robbed +the Pope to pay the Queen." Wealth had its individuality in those days, +and expressed itself with truth and splendour in sculpture, and picture, +and tapestry, and precious things, with the picturesqueness of contrast +and homage. As the Senator said, a banquet hall did not then suggest a +Fifth Avenue hairdresser's saloon. But now the Genoese merchant-princes +would find that their state had lost its identity in machine made +imitations, and that it would be more distinguished to be poor, since +poverty is never counterfeited. But poppa declined to go as far as that.</p> + +<p>Alessandro, as we drove round and up the winding roads that take one to +the top of Genoa—the hotels and the palaces and the churches are mostly +at the bottom—was full of joyous and rapid information. Especially did +he continue to be communicative on the subject of Christopher Columbus, +and if we are not now assured of the school that discoverer attended in +his youth, and the altar rails before which he took the first communion +of his early manhood, and the occupation of his wife's parents, and +many other matters concerning him, it is the fault of history and not +that of Alessandro Bebbini. After a cathedral and a palace and a long +drive, this was bound to have its effect, and I very soon saw resentment +in the demeanour of both my parents. So much so, that when we passed the +family group in memory of Mazzini, and Alessandro explained dramatically +that "the daughter he sitta down and cryo because his father is a-dead," +poppa said, "Is that so?" without the faintest show of excitement, and +momma declined even to look round.</p> + +<p>It was not until the evening, however, when we were talking to some +Milwaukee people, that we remembered, with the assistance of Baedeker +and the Milwaukee people, a number of facts about Columbus that deprived +Alessandro's information of its commercial value, while leaving his +ingenuity, so to speak, at par. The Senator was so much annoyed, as he +had made a special note of the state of preservation in which he had +found the dwelling of our discoverer, that he had recourse to the most +unscrupulous means of relieving us of Alessandro—who was to present +himself next morning at eleven. He wrote an impulsive letter to "A. +Bebbini, Esq.," which ran:</p> + +<div class='blockquot'> +<p>"SIR: I find that we are too credulous a family to travel in +safety with a courier. When you arrive at the hotel to-morrow, +therefore, you will discover that we have fled by an earlier train. We +take it from no personal objection to your society, but from a rooted +and unconquerable objection to brass facts. I enclose your month's +salary and a warning that any attempt to follow me will be fruitless and +expensive."</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 22em;">"Yours truly,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 26em;">"J.P. WICK."</span></p></div> + +<p>The Senator assured me afterwards that this was absolutely +necessary—that A. Bebbini, if we introduced him in any quantity, would +ruin the sale of our work, and if he accompanied us it would be +impossible to keep him out. He said we ought to apologize for having +even mentioned him in a book of travels which we hope to see taken +seriously. And we do.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.</h2> + + +<p>Momma wishes me to state that the word Italy, in any language, will for +ever be associated in her mind with the journey from Genoa to Pisa. We +had our own lunch basket, so no baneful anticipation of cutlets fried in +olive oil marred the perfect satisfaction with which we looked out of +the windows. One window, almost the whole way, opened on a low +embankment which seemed a garden wall. Olives and lemon trees grew +beyond it and dropped over, and it was always dipping in the sunlight to +show us the roses and the shady walks of the villas inside, white and +remote; now and then we saw the pillared end of a verandah or a plaster +Neptune ruling a restricted fountain area. Out of the other window +stretched the blue Gulf of Genoa all becalmed and smiling, with freakish +little points and headlines, and here and there the white blossom of a +sail. The Senator counted eighty tunnels—he wants that fact mentioned +too—some of them so short that it was like shutting one's eyes for an +instant on the olives and the sea. Nevertheless it was an idyllic +journey, and at four o'clock in the afternoon we saw the Leaning Tower +from afar, describing the precise angle that it does in the illustrated +geographies. Momma was charmed to recognise it, she blew it a kiss of +adulation and acclaim, while we yet wound about among the environs, and +hailed it "Pisa!" It was as if she bowed to a celebrity, with the homage +due.</p> + +<p>What the Senator called our attention to as we drove to the hotel was +the conspicuous part in municipal politics played by that little old +brown river Arno. In most places the riparian feature of the landscape +is not insisted on—you have usually to go to the suburbs to find it, +but in Pisa it is a sort of main street, with the town sitting +comfortably and equally on each side of it looking on. Momma and I both +liked the idea of a river in town scenery, and thought it might be +copied with advantage in America, it afforded such a good excuse for +bridges. Pisa's three arched stone ones made a reason for settling there +in themselves in our opinion. The Senator, however, was against it on +conservancy grounds, and asked us what we thought of the population of +Pisa. And we had to admit that for the size of the houses there weren't +very many people about. The Lungarno was almost empty except for +desolate cabmen, and they were just as eager and hospitable to us and +our trunks as they had been in Genoa.</p> + +<p>In the Piazza del Duomo we expected the Cathedral, the Leaning Tower, +the Baptistry, and the Campo Santo. We did not expect Mrs. Portheris; at +least, neither of my parents did—I knew enough about Dicky Dod not to +be surprised at any combination he might effect. There they all were in +the middle of the square bit of meadow, apparently waiting for us, but +really, I have no doubt, getting an impression of the architecture as a +whole. I could tell from Mrs. Portheris's attitude that she had +acknowledged herself to be gratified. Strange to relate, her +gratification did not disappear when she saw that these mediæval +circumstances would inconsistently compel her to recognise very modern +American connections. She approached us quite blandly, and I saw at once +that Dicky Dod had been telling her that poppa's chances for the +Presidency were considered certain, that the Spanish Infanta had stayed +with us while she was in Chicago at the Exhibition, and that we fed her +from gold plate. It was all in Mrs. Portheris's manner.</p> + +<p>"Another unexpected meeting!" she exclaimed. "My dear Mrs. Wick, you +<i>are</i> looking worn out! Try my sal volatile—I insist!" and in the +general greeting momma was seen to back violently away from a long +silver bottle in every direction. Poppa had to interfere. "If it's all +the same to you, Aunt Caroline," he said, "Mrs. Wick is quite as usual, +though I think the Middle Agedness of this country is a little trying +for her at this time of year. She's just a little upset this morning by +seeing the cook plucking a rooster down in the backyard before he'd +killed it. The rooster was in great affliction, you see, and the way he +crowed got on momma's nerves. She's been telling us about it ever since. +But we hope it will pass off."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris expanded into that inevitable British story of the +officer who reported of certain tribes that they had no manners and +their customs were abominable, and I, at a mute invitation from Dicky, +stepped aside to get the angle of the Tower from a better point of view.</p> + +<p>Mr. Dod was depressed, so much so that he came to the point at once. "I +hope you had a good time in Genoa," he said. "We should have been there +now, only I knew we should never catch up to you if we didn't skip +something. So I heard of a case of cholera there, and didn't mention +that it was last year. Quite enough for Her Ex. I say, though—it's no +use."</p> + +<p>"Isn't it?" said I. "Are you sure?"</p> + +<p>"Pretty confoundedly certain. The British lion's getting there, in great +shape—the brute. All the widow's arranging. With the widow it's 'Mr. +Dod, you will take care of <i>me</i>, won't you?' or 'Come now, Mr. Dod, and +tell me all about buffalo shooting on your native prairies'—and Mr. Dod +is a rattled jay. There's something about the mandate of a middle-aged +British female."</p> + +<p>"I should think there was!" I said.</p> + +<p>"Then Maffy, you see, walks in. They don't seem to have much +conversation—she regularly brightens up when I come along and say +something cheerful—but he's gradually making up his mind that the best +isn't any too good for him."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps we don't begin so well in America," I interrupted +thoughtfully. "But then, we don't develop into Mrs. P.'s either."</p> + +<p>Dicky seemed unable to follow my line of thought. "I must say," he went +on resentfully, "I like—well, just a <i>smell</i> of constancy about a man. +A fellow that's thrown over ought to be in about the same shape as a +widower. But not much Maffy. I tried to work up his feelings over the +American girl the other night—he was as calm!"</p> + +<p>"Dicky," said I, "there are subjects a man <i>must</i> keep sacred. You must +not speak to Mr. Mafferton of his first—attachment again. They never do +it in England, except for purposes of fiction."</p> + +<p>"Well, I worked that racket all I knew. I even told him that American +girls as often as not changed their minds."</p> + +<p>"<i>Richard!</i> He will think I—what <i>will</i> he think of American girls! It +was excessively wrong of you to say that—I might almost call it +criminal!"</p> + +<p>Dicky looked at me in pained surprise. "Look here, Mamie," he said, "a +fellow in my fix, you know! Don't get excited. How am I going to confide +in you unless you keep your hair on!"</p> + +<p>"What, may I ask, did Mr. Mafferton say when you told him that?" I asked +sternly.</p> + +<p>"He said—now you'll be madder than ever. I won't tell you."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dod—Dicky, haven't we been friends from infancy!"</p> + +<p>"Played with the same rattle. Cut our teeth together."</p> + +<p>"Well then——"</p> + +<p>"Well then," he said, "do you mind putting your parasol straight? I like +to see the person I'm talking to, and besides the sun is on the other +side. He said he didn't think it was a privilege that should be extended +to all cases."</p> + +<p>"He did, did he?" I rejoined calmly. "That's like the British—isn't +it?"</p> + +<p>"It would have made such a complication if I'd kicked him," confessed +Mr. Dod.</p> + +<p>The Senator, momma, and Mrs. Portheris stood in the cathedral door. +Isabel and Mr. Mafferton occupied the middle distance. Mr. Mafferton +stooped to add a poppy to a slender handful of wild flowers he held out +to her. Isabel was looking back.</p> + +<p>"It will be pleasant inside the Duomo," I said. "Let us go on. I feel +warm. I agree with you that the situation is serious, Dicky. Look at +those poppies! When an Englishman does that you may make up your mind to +the worst. But I don't think anybody need have the slightest respect for +the affections of Mr. Mafferton."</p> + +<p>Inside the Duomo it was pleasant, and cool, and there was a dim +religious light that gave one an opportunity for reflection. I was so +much engaged in reflection that I failed to notice the shape of the +Duomo, but I have since learned that it was a basilica, in the form of +a Latin cross, and was simply full of things which should have claimed +my attention. Momma took copious notes from which I see that the Madonna +and Child holy water basin was perfectly sweet, and the episcopal throne +by Uervellesi in 1536 was the finest piece of tarsia work in the world, +and the large bronze hanging lamp by Vincenzo Possento was the object +which assisted Galileo to invent the oscillations of the pendulum. The +Senator was much taken with the inlaid wooden stalls in the choir, the +subjects were so lively. He and his Aunt Caroline nearly came to words +over a monkey regarding its reflection in a looking glass, done with a +realism which Mrs. Portheris considered little short of profane, but +which poppa found quite an excusable filip to devotions which must have +been such an all day business in the sixteenth century. Outside, +however, poppa found it difficult to approve the façade. To throw four +galleries over the street door, he said, with no visible means of +getting into them or possible object for sitting there, was about the +most ridiculous waste of building space he had yet observed.</p> + +<p>"But then," said Dicky Dod, who kept his disconsolate place by my side, +"they didn't seem to know how to waste enough in those pre-elevator +days. Look at the pictures and the bronzes and the marble columns inside +there—ten times as much as they had any use for. They just heaped it +up."</p> + +<p>"That's so, Dicky, my boy," replied poppa; "we could cover more ground +with the money in our century. But you've got to remember that they +hadn't any other way worth mentioning of spending the taxes. Religion, +so to speak, was the boss contractor's only line."</p> + +<p>Dicky remarked that it had to be admitted he worked it on the square, +and momma said that no doubt people built as well as they knew how at +that time, but nothing should induce her to add her weight to the top of +the Leaning Tower.</p> + +<p>"It is very remarkable and impressive," said momma, "the idea of its +hanging over that way all these centuries, just on the drop and never +dropping, but who knows that it may not come down this very day!"</p> + +<p>"My dear niece, if I may call you so," remarked Mrs. Portheris urbanely, +"it was thus that the builders designed this great monument to stand; in +its inclination lies the triumph of their art."</p> + +<p>"I can't say I agree with you there, Aunt Caroline," said poppa; "that +tower was never meant to stand crooked. It's a very serious defect, and +if it happened nowadays, it would justify any Municipal Board in +repudiating the contract. Even those fellows, you see, were too sick to +go on with it, in every case. Begun by Bonanus 1174. Bonanus saw what +was going to happen and gave it up at the third storey. Then Benenato +had <i>his</i> show, got it up to four, and quit, 1203. The next architect +was—let me see—William of Innsbruck. He put on a couple more, and by +that time it began to look dangerous. But nothing happened from 1260 to +1350, and it struck Tomaso Pisano that nothing would happen. He risked +it anyhow, ran up another storey, put the roof on, and came in for the +credit of the whole miracle. I expect Tomaso is at the bottom of that +idea of yours, Aunt Caroline. He would naturally give the reporters that +view."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris listened with a tolerance as badly put on as any garment +she was wearing. "I do not usually make assertions," she said when poppa +had finished, "without being convinced of the facts," and I became aware +for the first time that her upper lip wore a slight moustache.</p> + +<p>"Well, you'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline——"</p> + +<p>"All my life I have heard of the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a feat of +architecture," replied his Aunt Caroline firmly. "I do not propose to +have that view disturbed now."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps it <i>was</i> so, my dear love," put in momma deprecatingly, and Mr. +Dod, with a frenzied wink at poppa, called his attention to the +ridiculous Pisan habit of putting immovable fringed carriage-tops on +cabs.</p> + +<p>"It undoubtedly was," said Mrs. Portheris, with an embattled front.</p> + +<p>"But—Great Scott, aunt!" exclaimed poppa, recklessly, "think what this +place was like—all marsh, with the sea right alongside; not four miles +off as it is now. Why, you couldn't base so much as a calculation on +it!"</p> + +<p>"I must say," said Mrs. Portheris in severe surprise, "I knew that +America had made great advances in the world of invention, but I did not +expect to find what looks much like jealousy of the achievements of an +older civilisation."</p> + +<p>The Senator looked at his aunt, then he put his hat further back on his +head and cleared his throat. I prepared for the worst, and the worst +would undoubtedly have come if Dicky Dod had not suddenly remembered +having seen a man with a foreign telegram looking for somebody in the +Cathedral.</p> + +<p>"It's a feat!" reiterated Mrs. Portheris as the Senator left us in +pursuit of the man with the telegram.</p> + +<p>"It's fourteen feet," cried the Senator from a safe distance, "out of +the perpendicular!" and left us to take the consequences.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X.</h2> + + +<p>When momma reported to me Mrs. Portheris's proposition that we should +make the rest of our Continental trip as one undivided party, I found it +difficult to understand.</p> + +<p>"These sudden changes of temperature," I remarked, "are trying to the +constitution. Why this desire for the society of three unabashed +Americanisms like ourselves?"</p> + +<p>"That's just what I wondered," said momma. "For you can <i>see</i> that she +is full of insular prejudice against our great country. She makes no +attempt to disguise it."</p> + +<p>"She never did," I assented.</p> + +<p>"She said it seemed so extraordinary—quite providential—meeting +relatives abroad in this way," momma continued, "and she thought we +ought to follow it up."</p> + +<p>"Are we going to?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"My goodness gracious no, love! There are some things my nerves cannot +stand the strain of, and one of them is your poppa's Aunt Caroline. The +Senator smoothed it over. He said he was sure we were very much +obliged, but our time was limited, and he thought we could get around +faster alone."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "I do not understand it, unless Dicky has persuaded her +that poppa is to be our next ambassador to St. James's."</p> + +<p>"She was too silly about Dicky," said momma. "She said she really was +afraid, before you appeared, that young Mr. Dod was conceiving an +attachment for her Isabel, whose affections lay <i>quite</i> in another +direction; but now her mind was entirely at rest. I don't remember her +words, she uses so many, but she was trying to hint that poor Dicky was +an admirer of <i>yours</i>, dearest."</p> + +<p>"I fancy she succeeded—as far as that goes," I remarked.</p> + +<p>"Well, yes, she made me understand her. So I felt obliged to tell her +that, though Dicky was a lovely fellow and we were all very fond of him, +anything of <i>that</i> kind was out of the question."</p> + +<p>"And what," I asked, "was her reply to that?"</p> + +<p>"She seemed to think I was prevaricating. She said she knew what a +mother's hopes and fears were. They seem to take a very low view," added +momma austerely, "of friendship between a young man and a young woman in +England!"</p> + +<p>"I should think so!" said I absent-mindedly. "Dicky hasn't made love to +me for three years."</p> + +<p>"<i>What!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Nothing, momma, dear," I replied kindly. "Only I wouldn't contradict +Mrs. Portheris again upon that point, if I were you. She will think it +so improper if Dicky <i>isn't</i> my admirer, don't you see?"</p> + +<p>But Mrs. Portheris's desire to join our party stood revealed. Her +constant chaperonage of Dicky was getting a little trying, and she +wanted me to relieve her. I felt so deeply for them both, reflecting +upon the situation, that I experienced quite a glow of virtue at the +thought of my promise to Dicky to stay in Rome till his party arrived. +They were going to Siena—why, Mr. Dod could not undertake to +explain—he had never heard of anything cheerful in connection with +Siena.</p> + +<p>"My idea is," said the Senator, "that in Rome"—we were on our way +there—"we'll find our work cut out for us. Think of the objects of +interest involved from Romulus and Remus down to the present Pope!"</p> + +<p>"I should like my salts before I begin," said momma, pathetically.</p> + +<p>"Over two thousand years," continued the Senator impressively, "and +every year you may be sure has left its architectural imprint."</p> + +<p>"Does Baedeker say that, Senator?" I asked, with a certain severity.</p> + +<p>"No, the expression is entirely my own; you may take it down and use it +freely. Two thousand years of remains is what we've got before us in +Rome, and pretty well scattered too—nothing like the convenience of +Pisa. I expect we shall have to allow at least four days for it. That +Piazza del Duomo," continued poppa, thoughtfully, "seems to have been +laid out with a view to the American tourist of the future. But I don't +suppose that kind of forethought is common."</p> + +<p>"How exquisite it was, that cluster of white marble relics of the past +on the bosom of dusky Pisa. It reminded me," said momma, poetically, "of +an old maid's pearls."</p> + +<p>"I should suggest," said the Senator to me, "that you make a note of +that. A little sentiment won't do us any harm—just a little. And they +<i>are</i> like an old maid's pearls in connection with that middle-aged, +one-horse little city. Or I should say a widow's—Pisa was once a bride +of the sea. A grass widow's," improved the Senator. "It's all +meadow-land round there—did you notice?"</p> + +<p>"I did not," I said coldly; "but, of course, if I'm to call Pisa a grass +widow, it will have to be. Although I warn you, poppa, that in case of +any critic being able to arise and indicate that it is laid out in +oyster beds, I shall make it plain that the responsibility is yours."</p> + +<p>We were speeding through Tuscany, and the vine-garlanded trees in the +orchards clasped hands and danced along with us. The sky would have told +us we were in Italy if we had come on a magic carpet without a compass +or a time-table. Poppa says we are not, under any circumstances, to +mention it more than once, but that we might as well explode the fallacy +that there is anything like it in America. There isn't. Our cerulean is +very beautifully blue, but in Italy one discovers by contrast that it +is an intellectual blue, filled with light, high, provocative. The sky +that bends over Tuscany is the very soul of blue, deep, soft, intense, +impenetrable—the sky that one sees in those little casual bits of +landscape behind the shoulders of pre-Raphaelite Saints and Madonnas; +and here and there a lake, giving it back with delight, and now and then +the long slope of a hill, with an old yellow-walled town creeping up, +castle crowned, and raggedly trimmed with olives; and so many ruins that +the Senator, summoned by momma to look at the last in view, regarded it +with disparagement, which he did not attempt to conceal. He wondered, he +said, that the Italian Government wasn't ashamed of having such a lot of +them. They might be picturesque, but they weren't creditable; they gave +you the impression that the country was on the down grade. "You needn't +call my attention to any more of them, Augusta," he added; "but if you +see any building that looks like progress, now, anything that gives you +the idea of modern improvements inside, I shouldn't like to miss it." +And he returned to the thirty-second page of the Sunday <i>New York +World</i>.</p> + +<p>"I sometimes wish," said momma, "that I were not the only person in this +family with the artistic temperament."</p> + +<p>Sometimes we stopped at the little yellow towns and saw quite closely +their queer old defences and belfrys and clock towers, and guessed at +the pomegranates and oleanders behind their high courtyard walls. They +had musical names, even in the mouths of the railway guards, who sang +every one of them with a high note and a full octave on the syllable of +stress—"Rosign<i>a</i>no!" "Car<i>m</i>iglia!" The Senator was fascinated with +the spectacle of a railway guard who could express himself intelligibly, +to say nothing of the charm; he spoke of introducing the system in the +United States, but we tried it on "New York," "Washington," "Kansas +City," and it didn't seem the same.</p> + +<p>It was at Orbatello, I think, that we made the travelling acquaintance +of the enterprising little gentleman to whom momma still mysteriously +alludes as "il capitano." He bowed ceremoniously as he entered the +carriage and stowed the inevitable enormous valise in the rack, and his +eye brightened intelligently as he saw we were a family of American +tourists. He wore a rather seamy black uniform and a soft felt hat with +cocks' feathers drooping over it, and a sword and a ridiculously amiable +expression for a man. I don't think he was five feet high, but his +moustache and his feathers and his sword were out of all proportion. +There was a gentle trustful exuberance about him which suggested that, +although it was possibly twenty-five years since he was born, his age +was much less than that. He twirled his moustache in voluble silence for +ten minutes while we all furtively scrutinised him with the curiosity +inspired by a foreigner of any size, and then with a smile of conscious +sweetness he asked the Senator if he might take the liberty to give the +trouble to see the English newspaper for a few seconds only. "I should +be too thankful," he added.</p> + +<p>"Why certainly," said poppa, much gratified. "I see you spikkum +English," he added encouragingly.</p> + +<p>"I speak—um, <i>si</i>. I have learned some—a few of them. But O very +baddili I speak them!"</p> + +<p>"I guess that's just your modesty," said poppa kindly. "But that's not +an English paper, you know—it's published in New York."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" he exclaimed with enthusiasm. "That will be much <i>much</i> the more +pleasurable for me." His eyes shone with feeling. "In Italy," he added +with an impulsive gesture, "we love the American peoples beyond the +Londonian. We always remember that it was an Italian, Cristoforo +Col——"</p> + +<p>"I know," said poppa. "Very nice of you. But what's your reason now, for +preferring Americans as a nation?"</p> + +<p>We saw our first Italian shrug. It is more prolonged, more sentimental +than French ones. In this case it expressed the direct responsibility of +Fate.</p> + +<p>"I think," he said, "that they are more <i>simpatica</i>—sympatheticated to +us." He seemed to be unaware of me, but his eye rested upon momma at +this point, and took her into his confidence.</p> + +<p>"We also," said she reciprocally, "are always charmed to see Italians in +our country."</p> + +<p>I wondered privately whether she was thinking of hand organ men or +members of the Mafia society, but it was no opportunity to inquire. My +impression is that about this time, in spite of Tuscany outside, I went +to sleep, because my next recollection is of the little Captain pouring +Chianti out of a large black bottle into momma's jointed silver +travelling cup. I remember thinking when I saw that, that they must have +made progress. Scraps of conversation floated through my waking moments +when the train stopped—I heard momma ask him if his parents were both +living and where his home was. I also understood her to inquire whether +the Italians were domestic in their tastes or whether they were like the +French, who, she believed, had no home life at all. I saw the Senator +put a card in his pocket-book and restore it to his breast, and heard +him inquire whether his new Italian acquaintance wore his uniform every +day as a matter of choice or because he had to. An hour went by, and +when I finally awoke it was to see momma sitting by with folded hands +and an expression of much gratification while poppa gave a graphic +account of the rise and progress of the American baking-powder interest. +"I don't expect," said he, "you've ever heard of Wick's Electric +Corn-flour?"</p> + +<p>"It is my misfortune."</p> + +<p>"We sent thousands of cans to Southern Europe last year, sir. Or Wick's +Sublimated Soda?"</p> + +<p>"I am stupidissimo."</p> + +<p>"No, not at all. But I daresay your momma knows it, if she ever has +waffles on her breakfast table. Well, it's been a kind of kitchen +revolution. We began by making a hundred pounds a week—and couldn't +always get rid of it. Now—why the day before I sailed we sent six +thousand cans to the Queen of Madagascar. I hope she'll read the +instructions!"</p> + +<p>"It takes the breath. What splendid revenue must be from that!"</p> + +<p>The Senator merely smiled, and played with his watch chain. "I should +hate to brag," he said, but anyone could see from the absence of a +diamond ring on his little finger that he was a person of weight in his +community.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said momma, "my daughter is awake at last! Mamie, let me introduce +Count Filgiatti. Count, my daughter. What a pity you went to sleep, +love. The Count has been giving us <i>such</i> a delightful afternoon."</p> + +<p>The carriage swayed a good deal as the Count stood up to bow, but that +had no effect either upon the dignity or the gratification he expressed. +His pleasure was quite ingratiating, or would have been if he had been a +little taller. As it was, it was amusing, and I recognised an +opportunity for the study of Italian character. I don't mean that I made +up my mind to avail myself of it, but I saw that the opportunity was +there.</p> + +<p>"So you've been reading the <i>New York World</i>," I said kindly.</p> + +<p>"I have read, yes, two <i>avertissimi</i>. Not more, I fear. But they are +also amusing, the <i>avertissimi</i>." His voice was certainly agreeably +deferential, with a note of gratitude.</p> + +<p>"Now, if you wouldn't mind taking the corner opposite my daughter, +Count Filgiatti," put in poppa, "you and she could talk more +comfortably, and Mrs. Wick could put her feet up and get a little nap."</p> + +<p>"I am too happy if I shall not be a trouble to Mees," the Count +responded, beaming. And I said, "Dear me, no; how could he?" at which he +very obligingly changed his seat.</p> + +<p>I hardly know how we drifted into abstract topics. The Count's English +was so bad that my sense of humour should have confined him to the +weather and the scenery; but it is nevertheless true that about an hour +later, while the landscape turned itself into a soft, warm chromo in the +fading sunset, and both my parents soundly slept, we were discussing the +barrier of religion to marriage between Protestants and Roman Catholics. +I did not hesitate to express the most liberal sentiments.</p> + +<p>"Since there are to be no marriages in heaven," I said, "what difference +can it make, in married life, how people get there?"</p> + +<p>"The signor and signora think also so?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I daresay poppa and momma have got their own opinions," I said, +"but that is mine."</p> + +<p>"You do not think as they!" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"I don't know what they think," I explained. "I haven't asked them. But +I've got my own thinker, you know." I searched for simple expressions, +and I seemed to make him understand.</p> + +<p>"So! Then this prejudice is dead for you, Senorita—<i>mees</i>?"</p> + +<p>"I like 'Senorita' best," I said. "I believe it is." At that moment I +divined that he was a Roman Catholic. How, I don't know. So I added, +"But I've never had the slightest reason to give it a thought."</p> + +<p>"That must be," he said softly, "because you never met, Senorita—may I +say this?—one single gentleman w'at is Catholic."</p> + +<p>"That's rather clever of you," I said. "Perhaps that <i>is</i> why."</p> + +<p>The Italian character struck me as having interesting phases, but I did +not allow this impression to appear. I looked indifferently out of the +window. Italian sunsets are very becoming.</p> + +<p>"The signora, your mother, has told me that you have no brothers or +sisters, Mees Wick. She made me the confidence—it was most kind."</p> + +<p>"There never has been any secret about it, Count."</p> + +<p>"Then you have not even one?" Count Filgiatti's eyes were full of +melancholy sympathy.</p> + +<p>"I think," I said with coldness, "that in a matter of that kind, momma's +word should hardly need corroboration."</p> + +<p>"Ah, it is sad! With me what difference! Can you believe of eleven? And +the father with the saints! And I of course am the eldest of all."</p> + +<p>"Dear me," I said, "what a responsibility!"</p> + +<p>"Ah, you recognise! you understand the—the necessities, yes?"</p> + +<p>At that moment the train stopped at Civita Vecchia, and the Senator +awoke and put his hat on. "The Eternal City," he remarked when he +descried that the name of the station was not Rome, "appears to have an +eternal railway to match. There seems to be a feeding counter here +though—we might have another try at those slices of veal boiled in +tomatoes and smothered with macaroni that they give the pilgrim stranger +in these parts. You may lead the world in romance, Count, but you don't +put any of it in your railway refreshments."</p> + +<p>As we passed out into the smooth-toned talkative darkness, Count +Filgiatti said in my ear, "Mistra and Madame Wick have kindly consented +to receive my visit at the hotel to-morrow. Is it agreeable to you also +that I come?"</p> + +<p>And I said, "Why, certainly!"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.</h2> + + +<p>We descended next morning to realise how original we were in being in +the plains of Italy in July. The Fulda people and the Miss Binghams and +Mrs. Portheris had prevented our noticing it before, but in the Hotel +Mascigni, Via del Tritone, we seemed to have arrived at a point of arid +solitude, which gave poppa a new and convincing sense of all he was +going through in pursuit of Continental culture. We sat in one corner of +the "Sala di mangiari" at a small square table, and in all the length +and breadth and sumptuousness of that magnificent apartment—Italian +hotel dining-rooms are always florid and palatial—there was only one +other little square table with a cloth on it and an appearance of +expectancy. The rest were heaped with chairs, bottom side up, with their +legs in the air; the chandeliers were tied up in brown holland, and +through a depressed and exhausted atmosphere, suggestive of magnificent +occasions temporarily in eclipse, moved, with a casual languid air, a +very tall waiter and a very short one. At mysterious exits to the rear +occasionally appeared the form of the <i>chef</i> exchanging plates. It was +borne in upon one that in the season the <i>chef</i> would be remanded to the +most inviolable seclusion.</p> + +<p>"Do you suppose Pompeii will be any worse than this?" inquired the +Senator.</p> + +<p>"Talk about Americans pervading the Continent," he continued, casting +his eye over the surrounding desolation. "Where are they? I should be +glad to see them. Great Scott! if it comes to that, I should be glad to +see a blooming Englishman!"</p> + +<p>It wasn't an answer to prayer, for there had been no opportunity for +devotion, but at that moment the door opened and admitted Mr., Mrs., and +Miss Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. The reunion was as rapt as the +Senator and Emmeline could make it, and cordial in every other respect. +Mr. Malt explained that they had come straight through from Paris, as +time was beginning to press.</p> + +<p>"We couldn't leave out Rome," he said, "on account of Mis' Malt's +mother—she made such a point of our seeing the prison of Saint Paul. In +her last letter she was looking forward very anxiously to our safe +return to get an account of it. She's a leader in our experience +meetings, and I couldn't somehow make up my mind to face her without +it."</p> + +<p>"Poppa," remarked Emmeline, "is not so foolish as he looks."</p> + +<p>"We were just wondering," exclaimed momma, "who that table was laid for. +But we never thought of <i>you</i>. Isn't it strange?"</p> + +<p>We agreed that it was little short of marvellous.</p> + +<p>The tall waiter strolled up for the commands of the Malt party. His +demeanour showed that he resented the Malts, who were, nevertheless, +innocent respectable people. As Emmeline ordered "<i>café au lait pour +tous"</i> he scowled and made curious contortions with his lower jaw. +"Anything else you want?" he inquired, with obvious annoyance.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Miss Callis. He further expressed his contempt by twisting +his moustache, and waited in silent disdain.</p> + +<p>"I want," said Miss Callis sweetly, leaning forward with her chin +artlessly poised in her hand, "to know if you are paid to make faces at +the guests of this hotel."</p> + +<p>There was laughter, above which Emmeline's crow rose loud and clear, and +as the waiter hastened away, suddenly transformed into a sycophant, +poppa remarked, "I see you've got those hotel tickets, too. Let me give +you a little pointer. Say nothing about it until next day. They are like +that sometimes. In being deprived of the opportunity of swindling us, +they feel that they've been done themselves."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Mr. Malt, "we never reveal it for twenty-four hours. That +fellow must have smelled 'em on us. Now, how were you proposing to spend +the day?"</p> + +<p>"We're going to the Forum," remarked Emmeline. "Do come with us, Mr. +Wick. We should love to have you."</p> + +<p>"We mustn't forget the Count," said momma to the Senator.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus155"></a><img src="./images/illus155.jpg" alt=""Are you paid to make faces?"" title=""Are you paid to make faces?"" /></div> + +<h5>"Are you paid to make faces?"</h5> + + +<p>"What Count?" Emmeline inquired. "Did you ever, momma! Mis' Wick knows +a count. She's been smarter than we have, hasn't she? Introduce him to +us, Mis' Wick."</p> + +<p>"Emmeline," said her mother severely, "you are as personal as ever you +can be. I don't know whatever Mis' Wick will think of you."</p> + +<p>"She's merely full of intelligent curiosity, Mis' Malt," said Mr. Malt, +who seemed to be in the last stage of infatuated parent. "I know you'll +excuse her," he added to momma, who said with rather frigid emphasis, +"Oh yes, we'll excuse her." But the hint was lost and Emmeline remained. +Poppa looked in his memorandum book and found that the Count was not to +arrive until 3 P.M. There was, therefore, no reason why we should not +accompany the Malts to the Forum, and it was arranged.</p> + +<p>A quarter of an hour later we were rolling through Rome. As a family we +were rather subdued by the idea that it was Rome, there was such immense +significance even in the streets with tramways, though it was rather an +atmosphere than anything of definite detail; but no such impression +weighed upon the Malts. They took Rome at its face value and refused to +recognise the unearned increment heaped up by the centuries. However, as +we were divided in two carriages, none of us had all the Malts.</p> + +<p>It was warm and dusty, the air had a malarious taste. We drove first, I +remember, to the American druggist's in the Piazza di Spagna for some +magnesia Mrs. Malt wanted for Emmeline, who had prickly heat. It was +annoying to have one's first Roman impressions confused with Emmeline +and magnesia and prickly heat; but Mrs. Malt appeared to think that Rome +attracted visitors chiefly by means of that American druggist. She said +she was perfectly certain we should find an American dentist there, too, +if we only took the time to look him up. I can't say whether she took +the time. We didn't.</p> + +<p>It was interesting, the Piazza di Spagna, because that is where +everybody who has read "Roba di Roma" knows that the English and +Americans have lived ever since the days when dear old Mr. Story and the +rest used to coach it from Civita Vecchia—in hotels, and pensions, and +apartments, the people in Marion Crawford's novels. We could only decide +that the plain, severe, many-storied houses with the shops underneath +had charms inside to compensate for their outward lack. Not a tree +anywhere, not a scrap of grass, only the lava pavement, and the view of +the druggist's shop and the tourists' agency office. Miss Callis said +she didn't see why man should be for ever bound up with the vegetable +creation—it was like living in a perpetual salad—and was disposed to +defend the Piazza di Spagna at all points, it looked so nice and +expensive. But Miss Callis's tastes were very distinctly urban.</p> + +<p>That druggist's establishment was on the Pincian Hill! It seemed, on +reflection, an outrage. We all looked about us, when we discovered +this, for the other six, and another of the foolish geographical +illusions of the school-room was shattered for each of us. The Rome of +my imagination was as distinctly seven-hilled as a quadruped is +four-legged, the Rome I saw had no eminences to speak of anywhere. +Perhaps, as poppa suggested, business had moved away from the hills and +we should find them in the suburbs, but this we were obliged to leave +unascertained.</p> + +<p>Through the warm empty streets we drove and looked at Rome. It was +driving through time, through history, through art, and going backward. +And through the Christian religion, for we started where the pillar of +Pius IX., setting forth the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception, +reaffirmed a modern dogma of the great church across the Tiber; and we +rattled on past other and earlier memorials of that church thick-built +into the Middle Ages, and of the Early Fathers, and of the very +Apostles. All heaped and crowded and over-built, solid and ragged, +decaying and defying decay, clinging to her traditions with both hands, +old Rome jostled before us. Presently uprose a great and crumbling arch +and a difference, and as we passed it the sound of the life of the city +died indistinctly away and a silence grew up, with the smell of the sun +upon grasses and weeds, and we stopped and looked down into Cæsar's +world, which lay below us, empty. We gazed in silence for a moment, and +then Emmeline remarked that she could make as good a Forum with a box of +blocks.</p> + +<p>"I shouldn't wonder but what you express the sentiments of all +present," said her father admiringly. "Now is it allowable for us to go +down there and make ourselves at home amongst those antique pillars, or +have we got to take the show in from here?"</p> + +<p>"No, Malt," said the Senator, helping the ladies out, "I can't say I +agree with you. It's a dead city, that's what it is, and for my part +I've never seen anything so impressive."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Wick," remarked Miss Callis, "has not visited Philadelphia."</p> + +<p>"Well, for a municipal cemetery," returned Mr. Malt, "it's pretty +uncared for. If there was any enterprise in this capital it would be +suitably railed in with posts and chains, and a monument inscribed 'Here +lies Rome's former greatness' or something like that. But the Italians +haven't got a particle of go—I've noticed that all through."</p> + +<p>We went down the wooden stair, a century at a step, and presently walked +and talked, we seven Americans, in that elder Rome that most people know +so much better than the one with St. Peter's and the Corso, because of +the clinging nature of those early impressions which we construe for +ourselves with painful reference to lists of exceptions. We all felt +that it was a small place to have had so much to say to history, and +were obliged to remind ourselves that we weren't looking at the whole of +it. Poppa acknowledged that his tendency to compare it unfavourably, in +spite of the verdict of history, with Chicago was checked by a smell +from the Cloaca Maxima, which proved that the Ancient Romans probably +enjoyed enteric and sewer gas quite as much as we do, although under +names that are to be found only in dictionaries now. Mrs. Malt said the +place surprised her in being so yellow—she had always imagined pictures +of it to have been taken in the sunset, but now she saw that it was +perfectly natural. Acting upon Mr. Malt's advice, we did not attempt to +identify more than the leading features, and I remember distinctly, in +consequence, that the temple of Castor had three columns standing and +the temple of Saturn had eight, while of the Basilica Julia there was +nothing at all but the places where they used to be. Mrs. Malt said it +made her feel quite idolatrous to look at them, and for her part she +couldn't be sorry they had fallen so much into decay—it was only right +and proper. This launched Mr. and Mrs. Malt and my parents upon a +discussion which threatened to become unwisely polemic if Emmeline had +not briefly decided it in favour of Christianity.</p> + +<p>Momma and Mrs. Malt expressed a desire above all things to see the +temple and apartments of the Vestal Virgins, which Miss Callis with some +surprise begged them on no account to mention in the presence of the +gentlemen.</p> + +<p>"There are some things," remarked Miss Callis austerely, "from which no +respectable married lady would wish to lift the veil of the classics."</p> + +<p>Momma was inclined to argue the point, but Miss Callis looked so +shocked that she desisted.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps, Mrs. Wick," she said sarcastically, "you intend to go to see +the Baths of Caracallus!"</p> + +<p>To which momma replied certainly <i>not</i>, that was a very different thing. +And if I am unable to describe the Baths of Caracallus in this history, +it is on account of Miss Callis's personal influence and the remarkable +development of her sense of propriety.</p> + +<p>At momma's suggestion we walked slowly all round the Via Sacra, looking +steadily down at its little triangular original paving-stones, and tried +to imagine ourselves the shackled captives of Scipio. If the party had +not consisted so largely of Emmeline the effort might have been +successful. Fragments of exhumed statuary, discoloured and featureless, +stood tipped in rows along the shorn foundations and inspired in Mr. +Malt a serious curiosity.</p> + +<p>"The ancients," said Mr. Malt with conviction, "were every bit as smart +as the moderns, meaning born intelligence. Look at that ear—that ear +took talent. There isn't a terra-cotta factory in the United States that +could turn out a better ear to-day. But they hadn't what we call +gumption, they put all their capital into one line of business, and you +may be sure they swamped the market. If they'd just done a little +inventing now, instead—worried out the idea of steam, or gas, or +electricity—why Rome might never have fallen to this day." And no one +interfered with Mr. Malt's idea that the fall of Rome was a purely +commercial disaster. Doubtless it was out of regard for his feelings, +but he was exactly the sort of man to compel you to prove your +assertion.</p> + +<p>We found the boundaries of the first Forum of the Republic, and poppa, +pacing it in a soft felt hat and a silk duster, offered a Senatorial +contrast to history. He looked round him with dignity and made the +gesture which goes with his most sustained oratorical flights. "I +wouldn't have backed up Cato in everything," he said thoughtfully. "No. +There were occasions on which I should have voted against the old man, +and the little American school-boys of to-day would have had to decline +'Mugwumpus' in consequence." And at the thought of Cannæ and Trasimene +the nineteenth century Senator from Illinois fiercely pulled his beard.</p> + +<p>We turned our pilgrim feet to where the Colosseum wheels against the sky +and gives up the world's eternal supreme note of splendour and of +cruelty; and along the solitary dusty Appian Way, as if it were a +country lane of the time we know, came a ragged Roman urchin with a +basket. Under the triumphal arch of Titus, where his forefathers jeered +at the Jews in manacled procession, we bargained with him for his purple +plums. He had the eyes and the smile of immemorial Italy for his own, +and the bones of Imperial Rome in equal inheritance, which he also +wished to sell, by the way, in jagged fragments from his trouser +pockets. And it linked up those early days with that particular +afternoon in a curiously simple way to think that from the Cæsars to +King Humbert there has never been a year without just such +brown-cheeked, dark-eyed, imperfectly washed little Roman boys upon the +Appian Way.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.</h2> + + +<p>We were too late for the hotel <i>déjeuner</i>, and had to order it, I +remember, <i>à la carte</i>. That was why the Count was kept waiting. We were +kept waiting, too, which seemed at the moment of more importance, since +the atmosphere of the classics had given us excellent appetites. +Emmeline decided upon ices and <i>petits fours</i> in the Corso for her +party, after which they were going to let nothing interfere with their +inspection of the prison of St. Paul; but we came back and ordered a +haricot. In the cavernous recesses beyond the door which opened +kitchen-ward, commands resounded, and a quarter of an hour later a boy +walked casually through the dining-room bearing beans in a basket. Time +went on, and the Senator was compelled to send word that he had not +ordered the repast for the following day. The small waiter then made a +pretence of activity, and brought vinegar and salt, and rolls and water. +"The peutates is notta-cooks," said he in deprecation, and we were +distressed to postpone the Count for those peutates. But what else was +possible?</p> + +<p>The dismaying part was that after luncheon had enabled us to regard a +little thing like that with equanimity, my parents abandoned it to me. +Momma said she knew she was missing a great deal, but she really didn't +feel equal to entertaining the Count; her back had given out completely. +The Senator wished to attend to his mail. With the assistance of his +letters and telegrams he was beginning to bear up wonderfully, and, as +it was just in, I hadn't the heart to interfere. "You can apologise for +us, daughter," said poppa, "and say something polite about our seeing +him later. Don't let him suppose we've gone back on him in any way. It's +a thing no young fellow in America would think of, but with these +foreigners you never can tell."</p> + +<p>I saw at once that the Count was annoyed. He was standing in the middle +of the salon, fingering his sword-hilt in a manner which expressed the +most absurd irritation. So I said immediately that I was awfully sorry, +but it seemed so difficult to get anything to eat in Rome at that time +of year, that the head-waiter was really responsible, and wouldn't he +sit down?</p> + +<p>"I don't know what you will think of us," I went on as we shook hands. +"How long have you been kind enough to wait, anyway?"</p> + +<p>"Since a quarter of an hour—only," replied the Count, with a difficult +smile, "but now that I see you it is forgotten all."</p> + +<p>"That's very nice of you," I said. "I assure you momma was quite worked +up about keeping you waiting. It's rather trying to the American +temperament to be obliged to order a hurried luncheon from the +market-gardener."</p> + +<p>"So! In America you have him not—the market garden? You are each his +own vegetable. Yes? Ah, how much better than the poor Italian! But +Mistra and Madame Wick, they have not, I hope, the indisposition?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm afraid they have, Count—something like that. They said I was +to ask you to excuse them. You see they've been sight-seeing the whole +morning, and that's something that can't be done by halves in your city. +The stranger has to put his whole soul into it, hasn't he?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, the whole soul! It is too fatiguing," Count Filgiatti assented. He +glanced at me uncertainly, and rose. "Kindly may I ask that you give my +deepest afflictions to Mistra and Madame Wick for their health?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," I said, "if you <i>must</i>! But I'm here, you know." I put no hauteur +into my tone, because I saw that it was a misunderstanding.</p> + +<p>He still hesitated and I remembered that the Filgiatti intelligence +probably dated from the Middle Ages, and had undergone very little +alteration since. "You have made such a short visit," I said. "I must be +a very bad substitute for momma and poppa."</p> + +<p>A flash of comprehension illuminated my visitor's countenance. "I pray +that you do not think such a wrong thing," he said impulsively. "If it +is permitted, I again sit down."</p> + +<p>"Do," said I, and he did. Anything else would have seemed perfectly +unreasonable, and yet for the moment he twisted his moustache, +apparently in the most foolish embarrassment. To put him at his ease, I +told him how lovely I thought the fountains. "That's one of your most +ideal connections with ancient history, don't you think?" I said. "The +fact that those old aqueducts of yours have been bringing down the water +to sparkle and ripple in Roman streets ever since."</p> + +<p>"Idealissimo! And the Trevi of Bernini—I hope you threw the soldi, so +that you must come back to Rome!"</p> + +<p>"We weren't quite sure which it was," I responded, "so poppa threw soldi +into all of them, to make certain. Sometimes he had to make two or three +shots," and I could not help smiling at the recollection.</p> + +<p>"Ah, the profusion!"</p> + +<p>"I don't suppose they came to a quarter of a dollar, Count. It is the +cheapest of your amusements."</p> + +<p>The Count reflected for a moment.</p> + +<p>"Then you wish to return to Rome," he said softly; "you take interest +here?"</p> + +<p>"Why yes," I said, "I'm not a barbarian. I'm from Illinois."</p> + +<p>"Then why do you go away?"</p> + +<p>"Our time is so limited."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Mees Wick, you have all of your life." The Italians certainly have +exquisite voices.</p> + +<p>"That is true," I said thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"Many young American ladies now live always in Italy," pursued Count +Filgiatti.</p> + +<p>"Is that so?" I replied pleasantly. "They are domiciled here with their +parents?"</p> + +<p>"Y—yes. Sometimes it is like that. And sometimes——"</p> + +<p>"Sometimes they are working in the studios. I know. A delightful life it +must be."</p> + +<p>The Count looked at the carpet. "Ah, signorina, you misunderstand my +poor English," he said; "she means quite different."</p> + +<p>It was not coquetry which induced me to cast down my eyes.</p> + +<p>"The American young lady will sometimes contract alliance."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" I exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Yes. And if it is a good arrangimento it is always quite <i>quite</i> +happy."</p> + +<p>"We are said," I observed thoughtfully, "to be able, as a people, to +accommodate ourselves to circumstances."</p> + +<p>"You approve this idea! Signorina, you are so amiable, it is heavenly."</p> + +<p>"I see no objection to it," I said. "It is entirely a matter of taste."</p> + +<p>"And the American ladies have much taste," observed Count Filgiatti +blandly.</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid it isn't infallible," I said, "but it is charming to hear it +approved."</p> + +<p>"The American lady comes in Italy. She is young, beautiful, with a +grace—ah! And perhaps there is a little income—a few dollar—but we do +not speak of that—it is a trifle, only to make possible the +arrangimento."</p> + +<p>"I see," I said.</p> + +<p>"The American lady is so perceiving—it is also a charm. The Italian +gentleman has a dignity of his. He is perhaps from a family a little +old. It is nothing—the matter is of the heart—but it makes possible +the arrangimento."</p> + +<p>"I have read of such things before," I said, "in the newspapers. It is +most amusing to hear them corroborated on the spot. But that is one of +the charms of travel, Count Filgiatti."</p> + +<p>The Count hesitated and a shade of indecision crossed his swarthy little +features. Then he added simply, "For me she has always been a vision, +that American lady. It is for this that I study the English. I have +thought, 'When I meet one of those so charming Americans, I will do my +possible.'"</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of that family of eleven and the father with +the saints. It was pathetic to feel one's self a realised vision without +any capacity for beneficence—worse in some respects than being obliged +to be unkind to hopes with no financial basis. It made one feel somehow +so mercenary. But before I could think of anything to say—it was such a +difficult juncture—the Count went on.</p> + +<p>"But in the Italian idea it is better first one thing to know—the +agreement of the American signorina. If she will not, the Italian +nobleman is too much disgrace. It is not good to offer the name and the +title if the lady say no, I do not want—take that poor thing away."</p> + +<p>How artless it was! Yet my sympathy ebbed immediately. Not my curiosity, +however. Perhaps at this or an earlier point I should have gone blushing +away and forever pondered in secret the problem of Count Filgiatti's +intentions. I confess that it didn't even occur to me—it was such a +little Count and so far beyond the range of my emotions. Instead, I +smiled in a non-committal way and said that Count Filgiatti's prudence +was most unique.</p> + +<p>"With a friend to previously discover then it is easy. But perhaps the +lady will have no friends in Italy."</p> + +<p>"You would have to be prepared for that," I said. "Certainly."</p> + +<p>"Also she perhaps quickly go away. The Americans are so instantaneous. +Maybe my vision fade like—like anything."</p> + +<p>"In a perspective of tourists' coupons," I suggested.</p> + +<p>For a moment there was silence, through which we could hear the +scrubbing-brush of the chambermaid on the marble hall of the first +floor. It seemed a final note of desolation.</p> + +<p>"If I must speak of myself believe me it is not a nobody the Count +Filgiatti," he went on at last. "Two Cardinals I have had in my family +and one is second cousin to the Pope."</p> + +<p>"Fancy the Pope's having relations!" I said, "but I suppose there is +nothing to prevent it."</p> + +<p>"Nothing at all. In my family I have had many ambassadors, but that was +a little formerly. Once a Filgiatti married with a Medici—but these +things are better for Mistra and Madame Wick to inquire."</p> + +<p>"Poppa is very much interested in antiquities, but I'm afraid there will +hardly be time, Count Filgiatti."</p> + +<p>"Listen, I will say all! Always they have been much too large, the +families Filgiatti. So now perhaps we are a little <i>re</i>duce. But there +is still somethings-ah—signorina, can you pardon that I speak these +things, but the time is so small—there is fifteen hundred lire yearly +revenue to my pocket."</p> + +<p>"About three hundred dollars," I observed sympathetically. Count +Filgiatti nodded with the smile of a conscious capitalist. "Then of +course," I said, "you won't marry for money." I'm afraid this was a +little unkind, but I was quite sure the Count would perceive no irony, +and said it for my own amusement.</p> + +<p><a name="Jamais"></a>"<i>Jamais!</i> In Italy you will find that never! The Italian gives always +the heart before—before——"</p> + +<p>"The arrangimento," I suggested softly.</p> + +<p>"Indeed, yes. There is also the seat of the family."</p> + +<p>"The seat of the family," I repeated. "Oh—the family seat. Of course, +being a Count, you have a castle. They always go together. I had +forgotten."</p> + +<p>"A castle I cannot say, but for the country it is very well. It is not +amusing there, in Tuscany. It is a little out of repairs. Twice a year I +go to see my mother and all those brothers and sisters—it is enough! +And the Countess, my mother, has said to me two hundred times, 'Marry +with an Americaine, Nicco—it is my command.' 'Nicco,' she calls me—it +is what you call jack-name."</p> + +<p>The Count smiled deprecatingly, and looked at me with a great deal of +sentiment, twisting his moustache. Another pause ensued. It's all very +well to say I should have dismissed him long before this, but I should +like to know on what grounds?</p> + +<p>"I wish very much to write my mother that I have found the American lady +for a new Countess Filgiatti," he said at last with emotion.</p> + +<p>"Well," I said awkwardly, "I hope you will find her."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Mees Wick," exclaimed the Count recklessly, "you are that American +lady. When I saw you in the railway I said, 'It is my vision!' At once I +desired to embrace the papa. And he was not cold with me—he told me of +the soda. I had courage, I had hope. At first when I see you to-day I +am a little derange. In the Italian way I speak first with the papa. +Then came a little thought in my heart—no, it is propitious! In America +the daughter maka always her own arrangimento. So I am spoken."</p> + +<p>At this I rose immediately. I would not have it on my conscience that I +toyed with the matrimonial proposition of even an Italian Count.</p> + +<p>"I think I understand you, Count Filgiatti," I said—There is something +about the most insignificant proposal that makes one blush in a +perfectly absurd way. I have never been able to get over it—"and I fear +I must bring this interview to a close. I——"</p> + +<p>"Ah, it is too embarrassing for you! It is experience very new, very +strange."</p> + +<p>"No," I said, regaining my composure, "not at all. But the fact is, +Count Filgiatti, the transaction you propose doesn't appeal to me. It is +too business-like to be sentimental, and too sentimental to be +business-like. I'm sorry to seem disobliging, but I really couldn't make +up my mind to marry a gentleman for his ancestors who are dead, even if +he was willing to marry me for my income which may disappear. Poppa is +very speculative. But I know there's a certain percentage of Americans +who think a count with a family seat is about the only thing worth +bringing away from Europe, now that we manufacture so much for +ourselves, and if I meet any of them I'll bear you in mind."</p> + +<p>"<i>Upon my word!</i>"</p> + +<p>It was Mrs. Portheris, in the doorway behind us, just arrived from +Siena.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I mentioned the matter to my parents, thinking it might amuse them, and +it did. From a business point of view, however, poppa could not help +feeling a certain amount of sympathy for the Count. "I hope, daughter," +he said, "you didn't give him the ha-ha to his face."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.</h2> + + +<p>There is the very tenderness of desolation upon the Appian Way. To me it +suggested nothing of the splendour of Roman villas and the tragedy of +flying Emperors. It spoke only of itself, lying over the wide silence of +the noon-day fields, historic doubtless, but noon-day certainly. +Something lives upon the warm stretches of the Appian Way, something +that talks of the eternal and unchangeable, and yet has the pathos of +the fragmentary and the lost. Perhaps it is the ghost of a genius that +has failed of reincarnation, and inspires the weeds and the leaf-shadows +instead. Thinking of it, one remembers only an almond tree in flower, +that grew beside a ruined arch by the wayside—both quite alone in the +sunlight—and perhaps of a meek, young, marble Cecilia, unquestioningly +prostrate, submissive to the axe.</p> + +<p>We were on our way to the Catacombs, momma, the Senator, and Mrs. +Portheris in one carriage, R. Dod, Mr. Mafferton, Isabel, and I in the +other. I approved of the arrangement, because the mutually distant +understanding that existed between Mr. Mafferton and me had already been +the subject of remark by my parents. ("For old London acquaintances you +and Mr. Mafferton seem to have very little to say to each other," momma +had observed that very morning.) It was borne in upon me that this was +absurd. People have no business to be estranged for life because one of +them has happened to propose to the other, unless, of course, he has +been accepted and afterwards divorced, which is quite a different thing. +Besides, there was Dicky to think of. I decided that there was a medium +in all things, and to help me to find it I wore a blouse from Madame +Valerie in the Rue de l'Opera, which cost seven times its value, and was +naturally becoming. Perhaps this was going to extreme measures; but he +was a recalcitrant Englishman, and for Dicky's sake one had to think of +everything.</p> + +<p>Englishmen have a genius for looking uncomfortable. Their feelings are +terribly mixed up with their personal appearance. It was some time +before Mr. Mafferton would consent to be even tolerably at his ease, +though I made a distinct effort to show that I bore no malice. It must +have been the mere memory of the past that embarrassed him, for the +other two were as completely unaware of his existence as they well could +be in the same carriage. For a time, as I talked in commonplaces, Mr. +Mafferton in monosyllables, and Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris in regards, +the most sordid realist would have hesitated to chronicle our +conversation.</p> + +<p>"When," I inquired casually, "are you thinking of going back, Mr. +Mafferton?"</p> + +<p>"To town? Not before October, I fancy!"</p> + +<p>"Even in Rome," I observed, "London is 'town' to you, isn't it? What a +curious thing insular tradition is!"</p> + +<p>"I suppose Rome was invented first," he replied haughtily.</p> + +<p>"Why yes," I said; "while the ancestors of Eaton-square were running +about in blue paint and bear-skins, and Albert Gate, in the directory, +was a mere cave. What do you suppose," I went on, following up this line +of thought, "when you were untutored savages, was your substitute for +the Red Book?"</p> + +<p>"Really," said this Englishman, "I haven't an idea. Perhaps as you have +suggested they had no ad<i>dresses</i>."</p> + +<p>For a moment I felt quite depressed. "Did you think it was a conundrum?" +I asked. "You so often remind me of <i>Punch</i>, Mr. Mafferton."</p> + +<p>I shouldn't have liked anyone to say that to me, but it seemed to have +quite a mollifying effect upon Mr. Mafferton. He smiled and pulled his +moustache in the way Englishmen always do, when endeavouring to absorb a +compliment.</p> + +<p>"Dear old London," I went on reminiscently, "what a funny experience it +was!"</p> + +<p>"To the Transatlantic mind," responded Mr. Mafferton stiffly, "one can +imagine it instructive."</p> + +<p>"It was a revelation to mine," I said earnestly—"a revelation." Then, +remembering Mr. Mafferton's somewhat painful connection with the +revelation, I added carefully, "From a historic point of view. The +Tower, you know, and all that."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said Mr. Mafferton, with a distant eye upon the Campagna.</p> + +<p>It was really very difficult.</p> + +<p>"Do you remember the day we went to Madame Tussaud's?" I asked. Perhaps +my intonation was a little dreamy. "I shall <i>never</i> forget William the +Conqueror—never."</p> + +<p>"Yes—yes, I think I do." It was clearly an effort of memory.</p> + +<p>"And now," I said regretfully, "it can never be the same again."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not." He used quite unnecessary emphasis.</p> + +<p>"William and the others having been since destroyed by fire," I +continued. Mr. Mafferton looked foolish. "What a terrible scene that +must have been! Didn't you feel when all that royal wax melted as if the +dynasties of England had been wrecked over again! What effect did it +have on dear old Victoria?"</p> + +<p>"One question at a time," said Mr. Mafferton, and I think he smiled.</p> + +<p>"Now you remind me of Sandford and Merton," I said, "and a place for +everything and everything in its place. And punctuality is the thief of +time. And many others."</p> + +<p>"You haven't got it <i>quite</i> right," said Mr. Mafferton with incipient +animation. "May I correct you? 'Procrastination,' not 'punctuality.'"</p> + +<p>"Thanks," I said. I could not help observing that for quite five minutes +Mr. Mafferton had made no effort to overhear the conversation between +Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris. It was a trifle, but life is made up of +little things.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe we adorn our conversation with proverbs in America as +much as we did," I continued. "I guess it takes too long. If you make +use of a proverb you see, you've got to allow for reflection first, and +reflection afterwards, and a sigh, and very few of us have time for +that. It is one of our disadvantages."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton heard me with attention.</p> + +<p>"Really!" he said in quite his old manner when we used to discuss +Presidential elections and peanuts and other features of life in my +republic. "That is a fact of some interest—but I see you cling to one +little Americanism, Miss Wick. Do you remember"—he actually looked +arch—"once assuring me that you intended to abandon the verb to +'guess'?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know why we should leave all the good words to Shakespeare," I +said, "but I was under a great many hallucinations about the American +language in England, and I daresay I did."</p> + +<p>If I responded coldly, it was at the thought of my last interview with +poor dear Arthur, and his misprised larynx. But at this moment a wildly +encouraging sign from Dicky reminded me that his interests and not my +own emotions were to be considered.</p> + +<p>"We mustn't reproach each other, must we," I said softly. "<i>I</i> don't +bear a particle of malice—really and truly."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton cast a glance of alarm at Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris, who +were raptly exchanging views as to the respective merits of a cleek and +a brassey shot given certain peculiar bunkers and a sandy green—as if +two infatuated people talking golf would have ears for anything else!</p> + +<p>"Not on any account," he said hurriedly.</p> + +<p>"The best quality of friendship sometimes arises out of the most +unfortunate circumstances," I added. The sympathy in my voice was for +Dicky and Isabel.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton looked at me expressively and the carriage drew up at the +Catacombs of St. Callistus. Mrs. Portheris was awaiting us by the gate, +however, so in getting out I gave my hand to Dicky.</p> + +<p>Inside and outside the gate, how quiet it was. Nothing on the Appian Way +but dust and sunlight, nothing in the field within the walls but +yellowing grass and here and there a field-daisy bending in the silence. +It made one think of an old faded water-colour, washed in with tears, +that clings to its significance though all its reality is gone. Then we +saw a little bare house to the left with an open door, and inside found +Brothers Demetrius and Eusebius in Trappist gowns and ropes, who would +sell us beads for the profitable employment of our souls, and chocolate +and photographs, and wonderful eucalyptus liqueur from the Three +Fountains, and when we had well bought would show us the city of the +long, long dead of which they were custodians. They were both obliging +enough to speak English, Brother Demetrius imperfectly and haltingly, +and without the assistance of those four front teeth which are so +especially necessary to a foreign tongue, Brother Eusebius fluently, and +with such richness of dialect that we were not at all surprised to learn +that he had served his Pope for some years in the State of New York.</p> + +<p>"For de ladi de chocolate. Ith it not?" said Brother Demetrius, with an +inducive smile. "It ith de betht in de worl', dis chocolate."</p> + +<p>"Don't you believe him," said Brother Eusebius, "he's known as the +oldest of the Roman frauds. Wants your money, that's what he wants." +Brother Demetrius shook his fist in amicable, wagging protest. "That's +the way he goes on, you know—quarrelsome old party. But I don't say +it's bad chocolate. Try it, young lady, try it."</p> + +<p>He handed a bit to Isabel, who looked at her momma.</p> + +<p>"There is no possible objection, my dear," said Mrs. Portheris, and she +nibbled it.</p> + +<p>Dicky invested wildly.</p> + +<p>"Dese photograff dey are very pritty," remarked Brother Demetrius to +momma, who was turning over some St. Stephens and St. Cecilias.</p> + +<p>"He'd say anything to sell them," put in Brother Eusebius. "He never +thinks of his immortal soul, any more than if he was a poor miserable +heretic. He'll tell you they're originals next, taken by Nero at the +time. You're all good Catholics, of course?"</p> + +<p>"We are not any kind of Catholics," said Mrs. Portheris severely.</p> + +<p>"I'll give you my blessing all the same, and no extra charge. But the +saints forbid that I should be selling beads made out of their precious +bones to Protestants."</p> + +<p>"I'll take that string," said momma.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't do it on any account," continued Brother Eusebius, as he +wrapped them up in blue paper, but momma still attaches a certain amount +of veneration to those beads.</p> + +<p>"And what can I do for you, sir?" continued Brother Eusebius to the +Senator, rubbing his hands. "What'll be the next thing?"</p> + +<p>"The Early Christians," replied poppa laconically, "if it's all the same +to you."</p> + +<p>"Just in half a shake. Don't hurry yourselves. They'll keep, you +know—they've kept a good long while already. Now you, madam," said +Brother Eusebius to Mrs. Portheris, "have never had the influenza, I +know. It only attacks people advanced in life."</p> + +<p>"Indeed I have," replied that lady. "Twice."</p> + +<p>"Is that so! Well, you never <i>would</i> have had it if you'd been protected +with this liqueur of ours. It's death and burial on influenza," and +Brother Eusebius shook the bottle.</p> + +<p>"I consider," said Mrs. Portheris solemnly, "that eucalyptus in another +form saved my life. But I inhaled it."</p> + +<p>"Tho," ventured Brother Demetrius, "tho did I. But the wine ith for +internal drinking."</p> + +<p>"Listen to him! <i>E</i>ternal drinking, that's what he means. You never saw +such an old boy for the influenza—gets it every week or so. How many +bottles, madam? Just a nip, after dinner, and you don't know how poetic +it will make you feel into the bargain."</p> + +<p>"One bottle," replied Mrs. Portheris, "the larger size, please. Anything +with eucalyptus in it must be salutary. And as we are going underground, +where it is bound to be damp, I think I'll have a little now."</p> + +<p>"That's what I call English common-sense," exclaimed Brother Eusebius, +getting out a glass. "Will nobody keep the lady company? It's Popish, +but it's good."</p> + +<p>Nobody would. Momma observed rather uncautiously that the smell of it +was enough, at which Mrs. Portheris remarked, with some asperity, that +she hoped Mrs. Wick would never be obliged to be indebted to the +"smell." "It is quite excellent," she said, "<i>most</i> cordial. I really +think, as a precaution, I'll take another glass."</p> + +<p>"Isn't it pretty strong?" asked poppa.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus186"></a><img src="./images/illus186.jpg" alt="We followed the monks." title="We followed the monks." /></div> + +<h5> We followed the monks.</h5> + + +<p>"The influenza is stronger," replied Mrs. Portheris oracularly, and +finished her second potation.</p> + +<p>"And nothing," said Brother Eusebius sadly, "for the gentleman standing +outside the door, who doesn't approve of encouraging the Roman Catholic +Church in any respect whatever. Dear me! dear me! we do get some queer +customers." At which Mr. Mafferton frowned portentously. But nothing +seemed to have any effect on Brother Eusebius.</p> + +<p>"There are such a lot of you, and you are sure to be so inquisitive, +that we'll both go with you," said he, and took candles from a shelf. +Not ordinary candles at all—coils of long, slender strips, with one end +turned up to burn. At the sight of them momma shuddered and said she +hadn't thought it would be dark, and took the Senator's arm as a +precautionary measure. Then we followed the monks Eusebius and +Demetrius, who wrapped shawls round their sloping shoulders and hurried +across the grass towards the little brick entrance to the Catacombs, +shading their candles from the wind that twisted their brown gowns round +their legs, with all the anxiety to get it over shown by janitors of +buildings of this world.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.</h2> + + +<p>At first through the square chambers of the early Popes and the narrow +passages lined with empty cells, nearest to the world outside, we kept +together, and it was mainly Eusebius who discoursed of the building of +the Catacombs, which he informed us had a pagan beginning.</p> + +<p>"But our blessed early bishops said, 'Why should the devil have all the +accommodations?' and when once the Church got its foot in there wasn't +much room for <i>him</i>. But a few pagans there are here to this day in +better company than they ever kept above ground," remarked Brother +Eusebius.</p> + +<p>"Can you tell them apart?" asked Mr. Dod, "the Christians and the +Pagans?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied that holy man, "by the measurements of the jaw-bone. The +Christians, you see, were always lecturing the other fellows, so their +jaw-bones grew to an awful size. Some of 'em are simply parliamentary."</p> + +<p>"Dat," said Brother Demetrius anxiously—as nobody had laughed—"ith a +joke."</p> + +<p>"I noticed the intention," said poppa. "It's down in the guide-book +that you've been 'absolved from the vow of silence'—is that correct?"</p> + +<p>"Right you are," said Brother Eusebius. "What about it?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, nothing—only it explains a good deal. I guess you enjoy it, don't +you?"</p> + +<p>But Brother Eusebius was bending over a cell in better preservation than +most of them, and was illuminating with his candle the bones of the +dweller in it. The light flickered on the skull of the Early Christian +and the tonsure of the modern one and made comparisons. It also cut the +darkness into solid blocks, and showed us broken bits of marble, faint +stains of old frescoes, strange rough letters, and where it wavered +furthest the uncertain lines of a graven cross.</p> + +<p>"Here's one of the original inhabitants," remarked Eusebius. "He's been +here all the time. I hope the ladies don't mind looking at him in his +bones?"</p> + +<p>"Thee, you can pick him up," said old Demetrius, handing a thigh-bone to +momma, who shrank from the privilege. "It ith quite dry."</p> + +<p>"It seems such a liberty," she said, "and he looks so incomplete without +it. Do put it back."</p> + +<p>"That's the way I feel," remarked Dicky, "but I don't believe he'd mind +our looking at a toe-bone. Are his toe-bones all there?"</p> + +<p>"No," replied Demetrius, "I have count another day and he ith nine only. +Here ith a few."</p> + +<p>"It is certainly a very solemn and unusual privilege," remarked Mr. +Mafferton, as the toe-bones went round, "to touch the mortal remnant of +an Early Christian."</p> + +<p>"That altogether depends," said the Senator, "upon what sort of an Early +Christian he was. Maybe he was a saint of the first water, and maybe he +was a pillar of the church that ran a building society. Or, maybe, he +was only an average sort of Early Christian like you or me, in which +case he must be very uncomfortable at the idea of inspiring so much +respect. How are you going to tell?"</p> + +<p>"The gentleman is right," said Brother Eusebius, and in considering +poppa's theory in its relation to the doubtful character before them +nobody noticed, except me, the petty larceny, by Richard Dod, of one +Early Christian toe-bone. His expression, I am glad to say, made me +think he had never stolen anything before; but you couldn't imagine a +more promising beginning for a career of embezzlement. As we moved on I +mentioned to him that the man who would steal the toe-bone of an Early +Christian, who had only nine, was capable of most crimes, at which he +assured me that he hadn't such a thing about him outside of his boots, +which shows how one wrong step leads to another.</p> + +<p>We fell presently into two parties—Dicky, Mrs. Portheris, and I holding +to the skirts of Brother Demetrius. Brother Demetrius knew a great deal +about the Latin inscriptions and the history of Pope Damasus and the +chapel of the Bishops, and how they found the body of St. Cecilia, +after eight hundred years, fresh and perfect, and dressed in rich +vestments embroidered in gold; but his way of imparting it seriously +interfered with the value of his information, and we looked regretfully +after the other party.</p> + +<p>"Here we have de tomb of Anterus and Fabianus——"</p> + +<p>"I think we should keep up with the rest," interrupted Mrs. Portheris.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I too, I know all dese Catacomb—I will take you everywheres—and +here, too, we have buried Entychianus."</p> + +<p>"Where is Brother Eusebius taking the others?" asked Dicky.</p> + +<p>"Now I tell you: he mith all de valuable ting, he is too fat and lazy; +only joke, joke, joke. And here we has buried Epis—martyr. Epis he wath +<i>martyr</i>."</p> + +<p>The others, with their lights and voices, came into full view where four +passages met in a cubicle. "Oh," cried Isabel, catching sight of us, +"<i>do</i> come and see Jonah and the whale. It's too funny for anything."</p> + +<p>"And where Damathuth found here the many good thainth he——"</p> + +<p>"We would like to see Jonah," entreated Dicky.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Brother Demetrius crossly, "you go thee him—you catch up. +I will no more. You do not like my Englis' very well. You go with fat +old joke-fellow, and I return the houth. Bethide, it ith the day of my +lumbago." And the venerable Demetrius, with distinct temper, turned his +back on us and waddled off.</p> + +<p>We looked at each other in consternation.</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid we've hurt his feelings," said Dicky.</p> + +<p>"You must go after him, Mr. Dod, and apologize," commanded Mrs. +Portheris.</p> + +<p>"Do you suppose he knows the way out?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"It <i>is</i> a shame," said Dicky. "I'll go and tell him we'd rather have +him than Jonah any day."</p> + +<p>Brother Demetrius was just turning a corner. Darkness encompassed him, +lying thick between us. He looked, in the light of his candle, like +something of Rembrandt's suspended for a moment before us. Dicky started +after him, and, presently, Mrs. Portheris and I were regarding each +other with more friendliness than I would have believed possible across +our flaring dips in the silence of the Catacombs.</p> + +<p>"Poor old gentleman," I said; "I hope Mr. Dod will overtake him."</p> + +<p>"So do I, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris. "I fear we have been very +inconsiderate. But young people are always so impatient," she added, and +put the blame where it belonged.</p> + +<p>I did not retaliate with so much as a reproachful glance. Even as a +censor Mrs. Portheris was so eminently companionable at the moment. But +as we waited for Dicky's return neither of us spoke again. It made too +much noise. Minutes passed, I don't know how many, but enough for us to +look cautiously round to see if there was anything to sit on. There +wasn't, so Mrs. Portheris took my arm. We were not people to lean on +each other in the ordinary vicissitudes of life, and even under the +circumstances I was aware that Mrs. Portheris was a great deal to +support, but there was comfort in every pound of her. At last a faint +light foreshadowed itself in the direction of Dicky's disappearance, and +grew stronger, and was resolved into a candle and a young man, and Mr. +Dod, very much paler than when he left, was with us again. Mrs. +Portheris and I started apart as if scientifically impelled, and +exclaimed simultaneously, "Where is Brother Demetrius?"</p> + +<p>"Nowhere in this graveyard," said Dicky. "He's well upstairs by this +time. Must have taken a short cut. I lost sight of him in about two +seconds."</p> + +<p>"That was very careless of you, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, "very +careless indeed. Now we have no option, I suppose, but to rejoin the +others; and where are they?"</p> + +<p>They were certainly not where they had been. Not a trace nor an +echo—not a trace nor an echo—of anything, only parallelograms of +darkness in every direction, and our little circle of light flickering +on the tombs of Anterus, and Fabianus, and Entychianus, and +Epis—martyr—and we three within it, looking at each other.</p> + +<p>"If you don't mind," said Dicky, "I would rather not go after them. I +think it's a waste of time. Personally I am quite contented to have +rejoined you. At one time I thought I shouldn't be able to, and the idea +was trying."</p> + +<p>"We wouldn't <i>dream</i> of letting you go again," said Mrs. Portheris and I +simultaneously. "But," continued Mrs. Portheris, "we will all go in +search of the others. They can't be very far away. There is nothing so +alarming as standing still."</p> + +<p>We proceeded along the passage in the direction of our last glimpse of +our friends and relatives, passing a number of most interesting +inscriptions, which we felt we had not time to pause and decipher, and +came presently to a divergence which none of us could remember. Half of +the passage went down three steps, and turned off to the left under an +arch, and the other half climbed two, and immediately lost itself in +blackness of darkness. In our hesitation Dicky suddenly stooped to a +trace of pink in the stone leading upward, and picked it up—three rose +petals.</p> + +<p>"That settles it," he exclaimed. "Isa—Miss Portheris was wearing a +rose. I gave it to her myself."</p> + +<p>"Did you, indeed," said Isabel's mamma coldly. "My dear child, how +anxious she will be!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I should think not," I said hopefully. "I am sure she can trust Mr. +Dod to take care of himself—and of us, too, for the matter of that."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dod!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris with indignation. "My poor child's +anxiety will be for her mother."</p> + +<p>And we let it go at that. But Dicky put the rose petals in his pocket +with the toe-bone, and hopefully remarked that there would be no +difficulty about finding her now. I mentioned that I had parents also, +at that moment, lost in the Catacombs, but he did not apologize.</p> + +<p>The midnight of the place, as we walked on, seemed to deepen, and its +silence to grow more profound. The tombs passed us in solemn grey +ranges, one above the other—the long tombs of the grown-up people, and +the shorter ones of the children, and the very little ones of the +babies. The air held a concentrated dolor of funerals sixteen centuries +old, and the four dim stone walls seemed to have crept closer together. +"I think I will take your arm, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, and "I +think I will take your other arm, Mr. Dod," said I.</p> + +<p>"Thank you," replied Dicky, "I should be glad of both of yours," which +may look ambiguous now, but we quite understood it at the time. It made +rather uncomfortable walking in places, but against that overwhelming +majority of the dead it was comforting to feel ourselves a living unit. +We stumbled on, taking only the most obvious turnings, and presently the +passage widened into another little square chamber. "More bishops!" +groaned Dicky, holding up his candle.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," I replied triumphantly, "but Jonah, anyway," and I pointed +him out on the wall, in two shades of brown, a good deal faded, being +precipitated into the jaws of a green whale with paws and horns and a +smile, also a curled body and a three-forked tail. The wicked deed had +two accomplices only, who had apparently stopped rowing to do it. +Underneath was a companion sketch of the restitution of Jonah, in +perfect order, by the whale, which had, nevertheless, grown considerably +stouter in the interval, while an amiable stranger reclined in an arbor, +with his hand under his head, and looked on.</p> + +<p>"As a child your intelligence promised well," said Dicky; "that <i>is</i> +Jonah, though not of the Revised Version. I don't think Bible stories +ought to be illustrated, do you, Mrs. Portheris? It has such a bad +effect on the imagination."</p> + +<p>"We can talk of that at another time, Mr. Dod. At present I wish to be +restored to my daughter. Let us push on at once. And please explain how +it is that we have had to walk so far to get to this place, which was +only a few yards from where we were standing when Brother Demetrius left +us!" Mrs. Portheris's words were commanding, but her tone was the tone +of supplication.</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid I can't," said Dicky, "but for that very reason I think we +had better stay where we are. They are pretty sure to look for us here."</p> + +<p>"I cannot possibly wait to be looked for. I must be restored to my +daughter! You must make an effort, Mr. Dod. And, now that I think of it, +I have left the key of our boxes in the drawer of the dressing-table, +and the key of that is in it, and the housemaid has the key of the +room. It is absolutely necessary that I should go back to the hotel at +once."</p> + +<p>"My dear lady," said Dicky, "don't you realize that we are lost?"</p> + +<p>"Lost! Impossible! <i>Shout</i>, Mr. Dod!"</p> + +<p>Dicky shouted, and all the Early Christians answered him. There are said +to be seven millions. Mrs. Portheris grasped his arm convulsively.</p> + +<p>"Don't do that again," she said, "on any account. Let us go on!"</p> + +<p>"Much better not," protested Dicky.</p> + +<p>"On! on!" commanded Mrs. Portheris. There was no alternative. We put +Dicky in the middle again, and cautiously stepped out. A round of blue +paper under our chaperone's arm caught the eye of Mr. Dod. "What luck!" +he exclaimed, "you have brought the liqueur with you, Mrs. Portheris. I +think we'd better all have some, if you don't mind. I've been in warmer +cemeteries."</p> + +<p>As she undid the bottle, Mrs. Portheris declared that she already felt +the preliminary ache of influenza. She exhorted us to copious draughts, +but it was much too nasty for more than a sip, though warming to a +degree.</p> + +<p>"Better take very little at a time," Dicky suggested, but Mrs. Portheris +reaffirmed her faith in the virtues of eucalyptus, and with such majesty +as was compatible with the neck of the bottle, drank deeply. Then we +stumbled on. Presently Mrs. Portheris yawned widely twice, thrice, and +again. "I beg your pardon," said she, "I don't seem able to help it."</p> + +<p>"It's the example of these gaping sepulchres," Dicky replied. "Don't +apologize."</p> + +<p>The passages grew narrower and more complex, the tombs more irregular. +We came to one that partly blocked the path, tilted against the main +wall like a separate sarcophagus, though it was really part of the solid +rock. Looking back, a wall seemed to have risen behind us; it was a +distinctly perplexing moment, hard upon the nerves. The tomb was empty, +except for a few bones that might have been anything huddled at the +bottom, and Mrs. Portheris sat down on the lower end of it. "I really do +not feel able to go any further," she said; "the ascent is so +perpendicular."</p> + +<p>I was going to protest that the place was as level as a street, but +Dicky forestalled me. "Eucalyptus," he said soothingly, "often has that +effect."</p> + +<p>"We are lost," continued Mrs. Portheris lugubriously, "in the Catacombs. +We may as well make up our minds to it. We came here this morning at ten +o'clock, and I should think, I should think—thish mus' be minnight on +the following day."</p> + +<p>"My watch has run down," said Dicky, "but you are probably quite right, +Mrs. Portheris."</p> + +<p>"It is doubtful," Mrs. Portheris went on, pulling herself together, +"whether we are ever found. There are nine hundred miles of Catacombs. +Unless we become cannibals we are likely to die of starvation. If we do +become cannibals, Mr. Dod," she added, sternly endeavouring to look +Dicky in the eye, "I hope you will remember what ish due to ladies."</p> + +<p>"I will offer myself up gladly," said he, and I could not help +reflecting upon the comfort of a third party with a sense of humour +under the circumstances.</p> + +<p>"Thass right," said Mrs. Portheris, nodding approvingly, and much +oftener than was necessary. "Though there isn't much on you—you won't +go very far." Then after a moment of gloomy reflection she blew out her +candle, and, before I could prevent it, mine also. Dicky hastily put his +out of reach.</p> + +<p>"Three candles at once," she said virtuously, "in a room of this size! +It is wicked extravagance, neither more nor less."</p> + +<p>I assure you you would have laughed, even in the Catacombs, and Dicky +and I mutually approached the borders of hysteria in our misplaced +mirth. Mrs. Portheris smiled in unison somewhat foolishly, and we saw +that slumber was overtaking her. Gradually and unconsciously she slipped +down and back, and presently rested comfortably in the sepulchre of her +selection, sound asleep.</p> + +<p>"She is right in it," said Dicky, holding up his candle. "She's a lulu," +he added disgustedly, "with her eucalyptus."</p> + +<p>This was disrespectful, but consider the annoyance of losing a third of +our forces against seven million Early Christian ghosts. We sat down, +Dicky and I, with our backs against the tomb of Mrs. Portheris, and when +Dicky suggested that I might like him to hold my hand for a little while +I made no objection whatever. We decided that the immediate prospect, +though uncomfortable, was not alarming, that we had been wandering about +for possibly an hour, judging by the dwindling of Dicky's candle, and +that search must be made for us as soon as ever the others went above +ground and heard from Brother Demetrius the tale of our abandonment. I +said that if I knew anything about momma's capacity for underground +walking, the other party would have gone up long ago, and that search +for us was, therefore, in all likelihood, proceeding now, though perhaps +it would be wiser, in case we might want them, to burn only one candle +at a time. We had only to listen intently and we would hear the voices +of the searchers. We did listen, but all that we heard was a faint far +distant moan, which Dicky tried to make me believe was the wind in a +ventilating shaft. We could also hear a prolonged thumping very close to +us, but that we could each account for personally. And nothing more.</p> + +<p>"Dicky," said I after a time, "if it weren't for the candle I believe I +should be frightened."</p> + +<p>"It's about the most parsimonious style of candle I've ever seen," +replied Dicky, "but it would give a little more light if it were +trimmed." And he opened his pocket-knife.</p> + +<p>"Be very careful," I begged, and Dicky said "Rather!"</p> + +<p>"Did you ever notice," he asked, "that you can touch flame all right if +you are only quick enough? Now, see me take the top off that candle." If +Dicky had a fault it was a tendency to boastfulness. He took the lighted +wick between his thumb and his knife-blade, and skilfully scooped the +top off. It blazed for two seconds on the edge of the blade—just long +enough to show us that all the flame had come with it. Then it went out, +and in the darkness at my side I heard a scuffling among waistcoat +pockets, and a groan.</p> + +<p>"No matches?" I asked in despair.</p> + +<p>"Left 'em in my light overcoat pockets, Mamie. I'm a bigger ass +than—than Mafferton."</p> + +<p>"You are," I said with decision. "No Englishman goes anywhere without +his light overcoat. What have you done with yours?"</p> + +<p>"Left it in the carriage," replied Dick humbly.</p> + +<p>"That shows," said I bitterly, "how little you have learned in England. +Propriety in connection with you is evidently like water and a duck's +back. An intelligent person would have acquired the light overcoat +principle in three days, and never have gone out without it afterward."</p> + +<p>"Oh, go on!" replied Dick fiercely. "Go on. I don't mind. I'm not so +stuck on myself as I was. But if we've got to die together you might as +well forgive me. You'll have to do it at the last moment, you know."</p> + +<p>"I suppose you have begun to review your past life," I said grimly, "and +that's why you are using so much American slang."</p> + +<p>Then, as Dicky was again holding my hands, I maintained a dignified +silence. You cannot possibly quarrel with a person who is holding your +hand, no matter how you feel.</p> + +<p>"There's only one thing that consoles me in connection with those +matches," Dicky mentioned after a time. "They were French ones."</p> + +<p>"I don't know what that has to do with it," I said.</p> + +<p>"That's because you don't smoke," Dicky replied. And I had not the heart +to pursue the inquiry. Time went on, black and silent, as it had been +doing down there for sixteen centuries. We stopped arguing about why +they didn't come to look for us, each privately wondering if it was +possible that we had strayed too ingeniously ever to be found. We talked +of many things to try to keep up our spirits, the conviction of the <i>St. +James's Gazette</i> that American young ladies live largely upon +chewing-gum, and other topics far removed from our surroundings, but the +effort was not altogether successful. Dicky had just permitted himself +to make a reference to his mother in Chicago when a sound behind us made +us both start violently, and then cheered us immensely—a snore from +Mrs. Portheris within the tomb. It was not, happily, a single accidental +snore, but the forerunner of a regular series, and we hung upon them as +they issued, comforted and supported. We were vaguely aware that we +could have no better defence against disembodied Early Christians, when, +in the course of an hour, Mrs. Portheris sat up suddenly among the bones +of the original occupant and asked what time it was. We felt a pang of +regret at losing it.</p> + +<p>After the first moment or two that lady realized the situation +completely. "I suppose," she said, "we have been down here about two +days. I am quite faint with hunger. I have often read that candles, +under these terrible circumstances, are sustaining. What a good thing we +have got the candles."</p> + +<p>Dicky squeezed my hand nervously, but our chaperone had slept off the +eucalyptus and had no longer one cannibal thought.</p> + +<p>"I don't think it is time for candles yet," he said reassuringly. "You +have been asleep, you know, Mrs. Portheris."</p> + +<p>"If you have eaten them already, I consider that you have taken an +unfair advantage, a very unfair advantage."</p> + +<p>"Here is mine!" exclaimed Dicky nobly. "I hope I can deny myself, Mrs. +Portheris, to that extent."</p> + +<p>"And mine," I echoed; "but really, Mrs. Portheris——"</p> + +<p>Another pressure of Dicky's hand reminded me—I am ashamed to confess +it—that if Mrs. Portheris was bent upon the unnecessary consumption of +Roman tallow there was nothing in her past treatment of either of us to +induce us to prevent her. The dictates of humanity, I know, should have +influenced us otherwise, in connection with tallow, but they seemed for +the moment to have faded as completely out of our bosoms as they did out +of the early Roman persecutors! It seemed to me that all my country's +wrongs at the hands of Mrs. Portheris rose up and clamoured to be +avenged, and Dicky told me afterward that he felt just the same way.</p> + +<p>"Then I have done you an injustice," she continued; "I apologize, I am +sure, and I find that I have my own candle, thank you. It is adhering to +the side of my bonnet."</p> + +<p>We were perfectly silent.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps I ought to try and wait a little longer," Mrs. Portheris +hesitated, "but I feel such a sinking, and I assure you I have fallen +away. My garments are quite loose."</p> + +<p>"Of course it depends," said Dicky scientifically, "upon the amount of +carbon the system has in reserve. Personally I think I can hold out a +little longer. I had an excellent breakfast this m——, the day we came +here. But if I felt a sinking——"</p> + +<p>"<i>Waugh!</i>" said Mrs. Portheris.</p> + +<p>"Have you—have you <i>begun?</i>" I exclaimed in agony, while Dicky shook in +silence.</p> + +<p>"I have," replied Mrs. Portheris hurriedly; "where—where is the +eucalyptus? Ah! I have it!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Ben-en-euh!</i> It is nutritive, I am sure, but it requires a cordial."</p> + +<p>The darkness for some reason seemed a little less black and the silence +less oppressive.</p> + +<p>"I have only eaten about three inches," remarked Mrs. Portheris +presently. Dicky and I were incapable of conversation—"but I—but I +cannot go on at present. It is really not nice."</p> + +<p>"An overdone flavour, hasn't it?" asked Dicky, between gasps.</p> + +<p>"Very much so! Horribly! But the eucalyptus will, I hope, enable me to +extract some benefit from it. I think I'll lie down again." And we heard +the sound of a cork restored to its bottle as Mrs. Portheris returned to +the tomb. It was quite half an hour before she woke up, declaring that a +whole night had passed and that she was more famished than ever. "But," +she added, "I feel it impossible to go on with the candle. There is +something about the wick——"</p> + +<p>"I know," said Dicky sympathetically, "unless you are born in Greenland, +you cannot really enjoy them. There is an alternative, Mrs. Portheris, +but I didn't like to mention it——"</p> + +<p>"I know," she replied, "shoe leather. I have read of that, too, and I +think it would be an improvement. Have you got a pocket-knife, Mr. Dod?"</p> + +<p>Dicky produced it without a pang and we heard the rapid sound of an +unbuttoning shoe. "I had these made to order at two guineas, in the +Burlington Arcade," said Mrs. Portheris regretfully.</p> + +<p>"Then," said Dicky gravely, groping to hand her the knife, "they will be +of good kid, and probably tender."</p> + +<p>"I hope so, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris; "we must all have some. Will +you—will you <i>carve</i>, Mr. Dod?"</p> + +<p>I remembered with a pang how punctilious they were in England about +asking gentlemen to perform this duty, and I received one more +impression of the permanence of British ideas of propriety. But Dicky +declined; said he couldn't undertake it—for a party, and that Mrs. +Portheris must please help herself and never mind him, he would take +anything there was, a little later, with great hospitality. However, she +insisted, and my portion, I know, was a generous one, a slice off the +ankle. Mrs. Portheris begged us to begin; she said it was so cheerless +eating by one's self, and made her feel quite greedy.</p> + +<p>"Really," she said, "it is much better than candle—a little difficult +to masticate perhaps, but, if I do say it myself, quite a tolerable +flavour. If I only hadn't used that abominable French polish this +morning. What do <i>you</i> think, Mr. Dod?"</p> + +<p>"I think," said Dicky, jumping suddenly to his feet, while my heart +stood still with anticipation, "that if there's enough of that shoe +left, you had better put it on again, for I hear people calling us," and +then, making a trumpet with his hands, Dicky shouted till all the +Roman skeletons sufficiently intact turned to listen. But this time the +answer came back from their descendants, running with a flash of +lanterns.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus208"></a><img src="./images/illus208.jpg" alt="Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen." title="Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen." /></div> + +<h5>Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen.</h5> + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I will skip the scene of our reunion, because I am not good at matters +which are moving, and we were all excessively moved. It is necessary to +explain, however, that Brother Demetrius, when he went above ground, +felt his lumbago so acutely that he retired to bed, and was therefore +not visible when the others came up. As we had planned beforehand, the +Senator decided to go on to the Jewish Catacombs, taking it for granted +that we would follow, while Brother Eusebius, when he found Demetrius in +bed, also took it for granted that we had gone on ahead. He did not +inquire, he said, because the virtue of taciturnity being denied to them +in the exercise of their business, they always diligently cultivated it +in private. My own conviction was that they were not on speaking terms. +Our friends and relatives, after looking at the Jewish Catacombs, had +driven back to the hotel, and only began to feel anxious at tea time, as +they knew the English refreshment-rooms were closed for the season, like +everything else, and Isabel asserted with tears that if her mother was +above ground she would not miss her tea. So they all drove back to the +Catacombs, and effected our rescue after we had been immured for exactly +seven hours. I wish to add, to the credit of Mr. Richard Dod, that he +has never yet breathed a syllable to anybody about the manner in which +Mrs. Portheris sustained nature during our imprisonment, although he +must often have been strongly tempted to do so. And neither have +I—until now.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV.</h2> + + +<p>"The thing that struck me on our drive to the hotel," remarked momma, +"was that Naples was almost entirely inhabited by the lower classes."</p> + +<p>"That is very noticeable indeed," concurred Mr. Mafferton, who was also +there for the first time. "The people of the place are no doubt in the +country at this time of the year, but one would naturally expect to see +more respectable persons about."</p> + +<p>"Now you'll excuse me, Mafferton," said the Senator, "but that's just +one of those places where I lose the trail of the English language as +used by the original inventors. Where do you draw the line of +distinction between people and persons?"</p> + +<p>"It's a mere Briticism, poppa," I observed. Mr. Mafferton loathed being +obliged to defend his native tongue at any point. That very morning the +<i>modus vivendi</i> between us, that I had done so much for Dicky's sake to +establish, had been imperilled by my foolish determination to know +why all Englishmen pronounced "white" "wite."</p> + +<p>"I daresay," said poppa gloomily, "but I am not on to it and I don't +suppose I ever shall be. What struck me on the ride up through the city +was the perambulating bath. Going round on wheels to be hired out, just +the ordinary tin tub of commerce. The fellows were shouting +something—'Who'll buy a wash!' I suppose. But that's the disadvantage +of a foreign language; it leaves so much to the imagination."</p> + +<p>"The goats were nice," I said, "so promiscuous. I saw one of them +looking out of a window."</p> + +<p>"And the dear little horses with bells round their necks," momma added, +"and the tall yellow houses with the stucco dropping off, and especially +the fruit shops and the flower stalls that make pictures down every +narrow street. Such <i>masses</i> of colour!"</p> + +<p>"We might have hit on a worse hotel," observed Mr. Mafferton. "Very +tolerable soup, to-night."</p> + +<p>"I can't say I noticed the soup," said the Senator. "Fact is, soup to me +is just—soup. I presume there are different kinds, but beyond knowing +most of them from gruel I don't pretend to be a connoisseur."</p> + +<p>"What nonsense, Alexander!" said momma sternly.</p> + +<p>"Some are saltier than others, Augusta, I admit. But what I was going on +to say was that for clear monotony the dinner programmes ever since +Paris have beaten the record. Bramley told me how it would be. Consommy, +he said—that's soup—consommy, the whole enduring time. Fish <i>frité</i> or +fried, roast beef <i>à l'Italienne</i> or mixed up with vegetables. +Beans—well, just beans, and if you don't like 'em you can leave 'em, +but that fourth course is never anything but beans. After that you get +a chicken cut up with lettuce, because if it was put on the table whole +some disappointed investigator might find out there was nothing inside +and file a complaint. Anything to support that unstuffed chicken? Nope. +Finishing up with a compote of canned fruit, mostly California pears +that want more cooking, and after that cheese, if you like cheese, and +coffee charged extra. Thanks to Bramley, I can't say I didn't know what +to expect, but that doesn't increase the variety any. Now in America—I +understand you have been to America, sir?"</p> + +<p>"I have travelled in the States to some extent," responded Mr. +Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"Seen Brooklyn Bridge and the Hudson, I presume. Had a look at Niagara +Falls and a run out to Chicago, maybe. That was before I had the +pleasure of meeting you. Get as far as the Yosemite? No? Well, you were +there long enough anyhow to realise that our hotels are run on the free +will system."</p> + +<p>"I remember," said Mr. Mafferton. "All the luxuries of the coming +season, printed on a card usually about a foot long. A great variety, +and very difficult to understand. When I had finished trying to +translate the morning paper, I used to attack the card. I found that it +threw quite a light upon early American civilisation from the aboriginal +side. 'Hominy,' 'Grits,' 'Buckwheats,' 'Cantelopes,' are some of the +dishes I remember. 'Succotash,' too, and 'creamed squash,' but I think +they occurred at dinner generally. I used to summon the waiter, and +when he came to take my orders I would ask him to derive those dishes. I +had great difficulty after a time in summoning a waiter. But the plan +gave me many interesting half hours. In the end I usually ordered a +chop."</p> + +<p>"I don't want to run down your politics," poppa said, "but that's what I +call being too conservative. Augusta, if you have had enough of the Bay +of Naples and the moon, I might remind you of the buried city of +Pompeii, which is on for to-morrow. It's a good long way out, and you'll +want all your powers of endurance. I'm going down to have a smoke, and a +look at the humorous publications of Italy. There's no sort of +sociability about these hotels, but the head <i>portier</i> knows a little +English."</p> + +<p>"I suppose I had better retire," momma admitted, "though I sometimes +wish Mr. Wick wasn't so careful of my nervous system. Delicious scene, +good-night." And she too left us.</p> + +<p>We were sitting in a narrow balcony that seemed to jut out of a horn of +the city's lovely crescent. Dicky and Isabel occupied chairs at a +distance nicely calculated to necessitate a troublesome raising of the +voice to communicate with them. Mrs. Portheris was still confined to her +room with what was understood to be the constitutional shock of her +experiences in the Catacombs. Dicky, in joyful privacy, assured me that +nobody could recover from a combination of Roman tallow and French kid +in less than a week, but I told him he did not know the British +constitution.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus215"></a><img src="./images/illus215.jpg" alt="We were sitting in a narrow balcony." title="We were sitting in a narrow balcony." /></div> + +<h5>We were sitting in a narrow balcony.</h5> + + +<p>The moon sailed high over Naples, and lighted the lapping curve of her +perfect bay in the deepest, softest blue, and showed us some of the +nearer houses of the city, sloping and shouldering and creeping down, +that they were pink and yellow and parti-coloured, while the rest curved +and glimmered round the water in all tender tones of white holding up a +thousand lamps. And behind, curving too, the hills stood clear, with the +grey phantom of Vesuvius in sharp familiar lines, sending up its stream +of steady red, and now and then a leaping flame. It was a scene to wake +the latent sentiment of even a British bosom. I thought I would stay a +little longer.</p> + +<p>"So you usually ordered a chop?" I said by way of resuming the +conversation. "I hope the chops were tender."</p> + +<p>(I have a vague recollection that my intonation was.)</p> + +<p>"There are worse things in the States than the mutton," replied Mr. +Mafferton, moving his chair to enable him, by twisting his neck not too +ostentatiously, to glance occasionally at Dicky and Isabel, "but the +steaks were distinctly better than the chops—distinctly."</p> + +<p>"So all connoisseurs say," I replied respectfully. "Would you like to +change seats with me? I don't mind sitting with my back to—Vesuvius."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton blushed—unless it was the glow from the volcano.</p> + +<p>"Not on my account," he said. "By any means."</p> + +<p>"You do not fear a demonstration," I suggested. "And yet the forces of +nature are very uncertain. That is your English nerve. It deserves all +that is said of it."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton looked at me suspiciously.</p> + +<p>"I fancy you must be joking," he said.</p> + +<p>He sometimes complained that the great bar to his observation of the +American character was the American sense of humour. It was one of the +things he had made a note of, as interfering with the intelligent +stranger's enjoyment of the country.</p> + +<p>"I suppose," I replied reproachfully, "you never pause to think how +unkind a suspicion like that is? When one <i>wishes</i> to be taken +seriously."</p> + +<p>"I fear I do not," Mr. Mafferton confessed. "Perhaps I jump rather +hastily to conclusions sometimes. It's a family trait. We get it through +the Warwick-Howards on my mother's side."</p> + +<p>"Then, of course, there can't be any objection to it. But when one knows +a person's opinion of frivolity, always to be thought frivolous by the +person is hard to bear. Awfully."</p> + +<p>And if my expression, as I gazed past this Englishman at Vesuvius, was +one of sad resignation, there was nothing in the situation to exhilarate +anybody.</p> + +<p>The impassive countenance of Mr. Mafferton was disturbed by a ray of +concern. The moonlight enabled me to see it quite clearly. "Pray, Miss +Wick," he said, "do not think that. Who was it that wrote—"</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"A little humour now and then</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Is relished by the wisest men."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>"I don't know," I said, "but there's something about it that makes me +think it is English in its origin. Do you <i>really</i> endorse it?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly I do. And your liveliness, Miss Wick, if I may say so, is +certainly one of your accomplishments. It is to some extent a racial +characteristic. You share it with Mr. Dod."</p> + +<p>I glanced in the direction of the other two. "They seem desperately +bored with each other," I said. "They are not saying anything. Shall we +join them?"</p> + +<p>"Dod is probably sulking because I am monopolising you. Mrs. Portheris, +you see, has let me into the secret"—Mr. Mafferton looked <i>very</i> +arch—"By all means, if you think he ought to be humoured."</p> + +<p>"No," I said firmly, "humouring is very bad for Dicky. But I don't think +he should be allowed to wreak his ill-temper on Isabel."</p> + +<p>"I have noticed a certain lack of power to take the initiative about +Miss Portheris," said Mr. Mafferton coldly, "especially when her mother +is not with her. She seems quite unable to extricate herself from +situations like the present."</p> + +<p>"She is so young," I said apologetically, "and besides, I don't think +you could expect her to go quite away and leave us here together, you +know. She would naturally have foolish ideas. She doesn't know anything +about our irrevocable Past."</p> + +<p>"Why should she care?" asked Mr. Mafferton hypocritically.</p> + +<p>"Oh," I said. "I don't know, I'm sure. Only Mrs. Portheris——"</p> + +<p>"She is certainly a charming girl," said Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"And <i>so</i> well brought up," said I.</p> + +<p>"Ye-es. Perhaps a little self-contained."</p> + +<p>"She has no need to rely upon her conversation." I observed.</p> + +<p>"I don't know. The fact is——"</p> + +<p>"What is the fact?" I asked softly. "After all that has passed I think I +may claim your confidence, Mr. Mafferton." I had some difficulty +afterwards in justifying this, but it seemed entirely appropriate at the +time.</p> + +<p>"The fact is, that up to three weeks ago I believed Miss Portheris to be +the incarnation of so many unassuming virtues and personal charms that I +was almost ready to make a fresh bid for domestic happiness in her +society. I have for some time wished to marry——"</p> + +<p>"I know," I said sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"But during the last three weeks I have become a little uncertain."</p> + +<p>"There shouldn't be the <i>slightest</i> uncertainty," I observed.</p> + +<p>"Marriage in England is such a permanent institution."</p> + +<p>"I have known it to last for years even in the United States," I +sighed.</p> + +<p>"And it is a serious responsibility to undertake to reciprocate in full +the devotion of an attached wife."</p> + +<p>"I fancy Isabel is a person of strong affections," I said; "one notices +it with her mother. And any one who could dote on Mrs. Portheris would +certainly——"</p> + +<p>"I fear so," said Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"I understand," I continued, "why you hesitate. And really, feeling as +you do, I wouldn't be precipitate."</p> + +<p>"I won't," he said.</p> + +<p>"Watch the state of your own heart," I counselled, "for some little +time. You may be sure that hers will not alter;" and, as we said +good-night, I further suggested that it would be a kindness if Mr. +Mafferton would join my lonely parent in the smoking-room.</p> + +<p>I don't know what happened on the balcony after that.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> + + +<p>"Mamma," said Isabel, as we gathered in the hotel vestibule for the +start to Pompeii, "is really not fit to undertake it."</p> + +<p>"You'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline," remarked the Senator, "but your +complexion isn't by any means right yet. It's a warm day and a long +drive. Just as likely as not you'll be down sick after it."</p> + +<p>"Stuff!" said Mrs. Portheris. "I thank my stars <i>I</i> have got no +enfeebled American constitution. I am perfectly equal to it, thank you."</p> + +<p>"It's most unwise," observed Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"Darned—I mean extremely risky," sighed Dicky.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris faced upon them. "And pray what do <i>you</i> know about it?" +she demanded.</p> + +<p>Then momma put in her oar, taking most unguardedly a privilege of +relationship. "Of course, you are the best judge of how you feel +yourself, Aunt Caroline, but we are told there are some steps to ascend +when we get there—and you know how fleshy you are."</p> + +<p>In the instant of ominous silence which occurred while Mrs. Portheris +was getting her chin into the angle of its greatest majesty, Mr. +Mafferton considerately walked to the door. When it was accomplished +she looked at momma sideways and down her nose, precisely in the manner +of the late Mr. Du Maurier's ladies in <i>Punch</i>, in the same state of +mind. She might have sat or stood to him. It was another ideal realised.</p> + +<p>"That is the latest, the very latest Americanism which I have observed +in your conversation, Augusta. In your native land it may be admissible, +but please understand that I cannot permit it to be applied to me +personally. To English ears it is offensive, very offensive. It is also +quite improper for you to assume any familiarity with my figure. As you +say, <i>I</i> may be aware of its corpulence, but nobody else—er—can +possibly know anything about it."</p> + +<p>Momma was speechless, and, as usual, the Senator came to the rescue. He +never will allow momma to be trampled on, and there was distinct +retaliation in his manner. "Look here, aunt," he said, "there's nothing +profane in saying you're fleshy when you <i>are</i>, you know, and you don't +need to remove so much as your bonnet strings for the general public to +be aware of it. And when you come to America don't you ever insult +anybody by calling her corpulent, which is a perfectly indecent +expression. Now if you won't go back to bed and tranquillise your +mind—on a plain soda——"</p> + +<p>"I won't," said Mrs. Portheris.</p> + +<p>"De carriages is already," said the head porter, glistening with an +amiability of which we all appreciated the balm. And we entered the +carriages—Mrs. Portheris and the downcast Isabel and Mr. Mafferton in +one, and momma, poppa, Dicky, and I in the other. For no American would +have been safe in Mrs. Portheris's carriage for at least two hours, and +this came home even to Mr. Dod.</p> + +<p>"Never again!" exclaimed momma as we rattled down among the narrow +streets that crowd under the Funicular railway. "Never again will I call +that woman Aunt Caroline."</p> + +<p>"Don't call her fleshy, my dear, that's what really irritated her," +remarked the Senator. The Senator's discrimination, I have often +noticed, is not the nicest thing about him.</p> + +<p>Hours and hours it seemed to take, that drive to Pompeii. Past the +ambitious confectioner with his window full of cherry pies, each cherry +round and red and shining like a marble, and the plate glass dry-goods +store where ready-made costumes were displayed that looked as if they +might fit just as badly as those of Westbourne Grove, and so by degrees +and always down hill through narrower and shabbier streets where all the +women walked bareheaded and the shops were mostly turned out on the +pavement for the convenience of customers, and a good many of them went +up and down in wheelbarrows. And often through narrow ways so +high-walled and many-windowed that it was quite cool and dusky down +below, and only a strip of sun showed far up along the roofs of one +side. Here and there a wheelbarrow went strolling through these streets +too, and we saw at least one family marketing. From a little square +window a prodigious way up came, as we passed, a cry with custom in it, +and a wheelbarrow paused beneath. Then down from the window by a long, +long rope slid a basket from the hands of a young woman leaning out in +red, and the vendor took the opportunity of sitting down on his barrow +handle till it arrived. Soldi and a piece of paper he took out of the +basket and a cabbage and onions he put in, and then it went swinging +upwards and he picked up his barrow again, and we rattled on and left +him shouting and pushing his hat back—it was not a soft felt but a +bowler—to look up at the other windows. In spite of the bowler it was a +picturesque and Neapolitan incident, and it left us much divided as to +the contents of the piece of paper.</p> + +<p>"My idea is," said the Senator, "that the young woman in the red jersey +was the hired girl and that note was what you might call a clandestine +communication."</p> + +<p>"Since we are in Naples," remarked Mr. Dod, "I think, Senator, your +deduction is correct. Where we come from a slavey with any self-respect +would put her sentiments on a gilt-edged correspondence card in a +scented envelope with a stamp on the outside and ask you to kindly drop +it into the pillar box on your way to business; but this chimes in with +all you read about Naples."</p> + +<p>"Perfectly ridiculous!" said momma. "Mark my words, that note was either +a list of vegetables wanted, or an intimation that if they weren't going +to be fresher than the last, that man needn't stop for orders in +future. And in a country as destitute of elevators as this one is I +suppose you couldn't keep a servant a week if you didn't let her save +the stairs somehow. But I must say if I were going to have cabbage and +onions the same day I wouldn't like the neighbours to know it."</p> + +<p>I entirely agreed with momma, and was reflecting, while they talked of +something else, on the injustice of considering ours the sentimental +sex, when the Senator leaned forward and advised me in an undertone to +make a note of the market basket.</p> + +<p>"And take my theory to account for the piece of paper," said he; "your +mother's may be the most likely, but mine is <i>what the public will +expect</i>."</p> + +<p>And always the shadows of the narrow streets crooked in the end into a +little plaza full of sun and beggars, and lemonade stands, and hawkers +of wild strawberries, and when the great bank of a flower-stall stood +just where the shadow ended sharply and the sun began, it made something +to remember. After that our way lay through a suburban parish <i>fête</i>, +and we pursued it under strings and strings of little glass lanterns, +red, and green, and blue, that swung across the streets; and there were +goats and more children, and momma vainly endeavoured to keep off the +smells with her parasol. Then a region of docks and masts rising +unexpectedly, and many little fish shops, and a glitter of scales on the +pavement, and disconnected coils of rope, and lounging men with +earrings, and unkempt women with babies, and above and over all the +warm scent, standing still in the sun, of hemp, and tar, and the sea.</p> + +<p>"The city," said the Senator, casting his practised eye on a piece of +dead wall that ran along the pavement, "is evidently in the turmoil of a +general election, though you mightn't notice it. It's the third time +I've seen those posters '<i>Viva il Prefétto!</i>' and '<i>Viva L'opposizione!</i> +That seems to be about all they can do, just as if we contented ourselves +with yelling ''Rah for Bryan!' 'One more for McKinley!' I must say if they +haven't any more notion of business than that they don't either of 'em +deserve to get there."</p> + +<p>"In France," observed Mr. Dod, "they stick up little handbills addressed +to their '<i>chers concitoyens</i>' as if voters were a lot of baa-lambs and +willie-boys. It makes enervating reading."</p> + +<p>"Young man," said poppa in a burst of feeling, "they say the American +eagle might keep her beak shut with advantage, more than she does; but I +tell you," and the Senator's hand came down hard on Dicky's knee, "a +trip around Europe is enough to turn her into a singing bird, sir, a +singing bird."</p> + +<p>I don't get my imagination entirely from momma.</p> + +<p>"<i>Viva il Prefétto! Viva L'opposizione!</i>" poppa repeated pityingly, as +another pair of posters came in sight. "Well, it won't ever do the +Government of Italy any good, but I guess I'm with the <i>Opposizione</i>."</p> + +<p>The road grew emptier and sandy white, and commerce forsook it but for +here and there a little shop with fat yellow bags, which were the +people's cheeses, hanging in bladders at the door. Crumbled gateways +began to appear, and we saw through them that the villa gardens inside +ran down and dropped their rose leaves into the blue of the +Mediterranean. We met the country people going their ways to town; they +looked at us with friendly patronage, knowing all about us, what we had +come to see, and the foolishness of it, and especially the ridiculous +cost of <i>carozza</i> that take people to Pompeii. And at last, just as the +sun and the jolting and the powdery white dust combined had instigated +us all to suggest to the Senator how much better it would have been to +come by rail, the ponies made a glad and jingling sweep under the +acacias of the Hôtel Diomede, which is at the portals of Pompeii.</p> + +<p>It seemed a casual and a cheerful place, full of open doors and +proprietary Neapolitans who might have been brothers and sisters-in-law, +whose conversation we interrupted coming in. There had been domestic +potations; a very fat lady, with a horn comb in her hair, wiped liquid +rings off the table with her apron, removing the glasses, while a +collarless male person with an agreeable smile and a soft felt hat +placed wooden chairs for us in a row. Poppa knows no Italian, but they +seemed to understand from what he said that we wanted things to drink, +and brought us with surprising accuracy precisely what each of us +preferred, lemonade for momma and me, and beverages consisting largely, +though not entirely, of soda water for the Senator and Mr. Dod. While +we refreshed ourselves, another, elderly, grizzled, and one-eyed, came +and took up a position just outside the door opposite and sang a song of +adventurous love, boxing his own ears in the chorus with the liveliest +effect. A further agreeable person waited upon us and informed us that +he was the interpreter, he would everything explain to us, that this was +a beggar man who wanted us to give him some small money, but there was +no compulsion if we did not wish to do so. I think he gave us that +interpretation for nothing. The fat lady then produced a large fan which +she waved over us assiduously, and the collarless man in the soft hat +stood by to render aid in any further emergency, smiling upon us as if +we were delicacies out of season. Poppa bore it as long as he could, and +we all made an unsuccessful effort to appear as if we were quite +accustomed to as much attention and more in the hotels of America; but +in a very few minutes we knew all the disadvantages of being of too much +importance. Presently the one-eyed man gave way to a pair of players on +the flute and mandolin.</p> + +<p>"Look here," said poppa at this, to the interpreter, "you folks are +putting yourselves out on our account a great deal more than is +necessary. We are just ordinary travelling public, and you don't need to +entertain us with side shows that we haven't ordered any more than if we +belonged to your own town. See?" But the interpreter did not see. He +beckoned instead to an engaging daughter of the fat lady, who approached +modestly with a large book of photographs, which she opened before the +Senator, kneeling beside his chair.</p> + +<p>"Great Scott!" exclaimed poppa, "I'm not a crowned head. Rise, Miss +Diomede."</p> + +<p>Removing his cigar, he assisted the young lady to her feet and led her +to a sofa at the other end of the room, where, as they turned over the +photographs together, I heard him ask her if she objected to tobacco.</p> + +<p>"You may go," said momma to the interpreter, "and explain the scenes. +Mr. Wick will enjoy them much more if he understands them." The freedom +from conventional restraint which characterises American society very +seldom extends to married gentlemen.</p> + +<p>We had to wait twenty minutes for the other party, on account of their +British objection to anybody's dust. Even Mr. Mafferton looked quelled +when they arrived, and Isabel quite abject, while Mrs. Portheris wore +that air of justification which no circumstance could impair, which was +particularly her own. She would not sit down. "It gives these people a +claim on you," she said. "I did not come here to run up an hotel bill, +but to see Pompeii. Pompeii I demand to see." The players on the flute +and mandolin looked at Mrs. Portheris consideringly and then strolled +away, and the guide, with a sorrowful glance at the landlady, put on his +hat. "I can explain you everything," he said with an inflection that +placed the responsibility for remaining in ignorance upon our own heads, +but Mrs. Portheris waved him away with her fan. "No," she said. "I beg +that this man shall not be allowed to inflict himself upon our party. +I particularly desire to form my own impression of the historic city, +that city that did so much for the reputation of Sir Henry Bulwer +Lytton. Besides, these people mount up ridiculously, and with servants +at home on half wages, and Consols in the state they are, one is really +compelled to economise."</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus231"></a><img src="./images/illus231.jpg" alt=""I'm not a crowned head!"" title=""I'm not a crowned head!"" /></div> + +<h5>"I'm not a crowned head!"</h5> + +<p>It was difficult to protest against Mrs. Portheris's regulations, and +impossible to contravene them, so I have nothing to report of that guide +but his card, which bore the name "Antonio Plicco," and his memory, +which is a blank.</p> + +<p>There was an ascent, and Mrs. Portheris mounted it proudly. I pointed +out to poppa half-way up that his esteemed relative hadn't turned a +hair, but he was inclined to be incredulous; said you couldn't tell what +was going on in the Department of the Interior. The Senator often uses a +political reference to carry him over a delicate allusion. Flowering +shrubs and bushes lined the path we climbed, silent in the sunshine, +dustily decorative, and at the top the turning of a key let us into a +strange place. Always a strange place, however often the guide-books +beat their iterations upon it, a place that leaps at imagination, +peering into other days through the mists that lie between, and blinds +it with a rush of light—the place where they have gathered together +what was left of the dead Pompeiians and their world. There they lay +before us for our wonderment as they ran, and tripped, and struggled, +and fell in the night of that day when they and the gods together were +overwhelmed, and they died as they thought in the end of time. And +through an open door Vesuvius sent up its eternal gentle woolly curl +again the daylight sky, and vineyards throve, and birds sang, and we, +who had survived the gods, came curious to look. The figures lay in +glass cases, and Dicky remarked, with unusual seriousness, that it was +like a dead-house.</p> + +<p>"Except," said poppa, "that in this mortuary there isn't ever going to +be anybody who can identify the remains. When you come to think of +it—that's kind of hard."</p> + +<p>"No chance of Christian burial once you get into a museum," said Dick +with solicitude.</p> + +<p>"I should like," remarked Mrs. Portheris, polishing her <i>pince nez</i> to +get a better view of a mother and daughter lying on their faces. "I +should like to see the clergyman who would attempt it. These people were +heathen, and richly deserved their fate. Richly!"</p> + +<p>Momma looked at her husband's Aunt Caroline with indignant scorn. "Do +you really think so?" she asked, but we could all see that her words +were a very inadequate expression for her emotions. Mrs. Portheris drew +all the guns of her orthodoxy into line for battle. "I am surprised——" +she began, and then the Senator politely but firmly interfered.</p> + +<p>"Ladies," he said, "'<i>De mortuis nisi bonum</i>,' which is to say it isn't +customary to slang corpses, especially, as you may say, in their +presence. I guess we can all be thankful, anyhow, that heathen nowadays +have got a cooler earth to live on," and that for the moment was the end +of it, but momma still gazed commiseratingly at the figures, with a +suspicious tendency to look for her handkerchief.</p> + +<p>"It's too terrible," she said. "We can actually see their <i>features</i>."</p> + +<p>"Don't let them get on your nerves, Augusta," suggested poppa.</p> + +<p>"I won't if I can help it. But when you see their clothes and their hair +and realise——"</p> + +<p>"It happened over eighteen hundred years ago, my dear, and most of them +got away."</p> + +<p>"That didn't make it any better for those who are now before us," and +momma used her handkerchief threateningly, though it was only in +connection with her nose.</p> + +<p>"Well now, Augusta, I hate to destroy an illusion like that, because +they're not to be bought with money, but since you're determined to work +yourself up over these unfortunates, I've got to expose them to you. +They're not the genuine remains you take them for. They're mere +worthless imitations."</p> + +<p>"Alexander," said momma suspiciously, "you never hesitate to tamper with +the truth if you think it will make me any more comfortable. I don't +believe you."</p> + +<p>"All right," returned the Senator; "when we get home you ask Bramley. It +was Bramley that put me on to it. Whenever one of those Pompeii fellows +dropped, the ashes kind of caked over him, and in the course of time +there was a hole where he had been. See? And what you're looking at is +just a collection of those holes filled up with composition and then dug +out. Mere holes!"</p> + +<p>"The illusion is dreadfully perfect," sighed momma. "Fancy dying like a +baked potato in hot ashes! Somehow, Alexander, I don't seem able to get +over it," and momma gazed with distressed fascination at the grim form +of the negro porter.</p> + +<p>"We've got no proper grounds for coming to that conclusion either," +replied poppa firmly. "Just as likely they were suffocated by the gas +that came up out of the ground."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if I could think that!" momma exclaimed with relief. "But if I find +you've been deceiving me, Alexander, I'll never forgive you. It's <i>too</i> +solemn!"</p> + +<p>"You ask Bramley," I heard the Senator reply. "And now come and tell me +if this loaf of bread somebody baked eighteen hundred and twenty +something years ago isn't exactly the same shape as the Naples bakers +are selling right now."</p> + +<p>"Daughter," said momma as she went, "I hope you are taking copious +notes. This is the wonder of wonders that we behold to-day." I said I +was, and I wandered over to where Mrs. Portheris examined with Mr. +Mafferton an egg that was laid on the last day of Pompeii. Mrs. +Portheris was asking Mr. Mafferton, in her most impressive manner, if it +was not too wonderful to have positive proof that fowls laid eggs then +just as they do now; and I made a note of that too. Dicky and Isabel +bemoaned the fate of the immortal dog who still bites his flank in the +pain extinguished so long ago. I hardly liked to disturb them, but I +heard Dicky say as I passed that he didn't mind much about the humans, +they had their chance, but this poor little old tyke was tied up, and +that on the part of Providence was playing it low down.</p> + +<p>Then we all stepped out into the empty streets of Pompeii and Mr. +Mafferton read to us impressively, from Murray, the younger Pliny's +letter to Tacitus describing its great disaster. The Senator listened +thoughtfully, for Pliny goes into all kinds of interesting details. "I +haven't much acquaintance with the classics," said he, as Mr. Mafferton +finished, "but it strikes me that the modern New York newspaper was the +medium to do that man justice. It's the most remarkable case I've +noticed of a good reporter <i>born before his time</i>."</p> + +<p>"A terrible retribution," said Mrs. Portheris, looking severely at the +Tavern of Phœbus, forever empty of wine-bibbers. "They worshipped +Jupiter, I understand, and other deities even less respectable. Can we +wonder that a volcano was sent to destroy them! One thing we may be +quite sure of—if the city had only turned from its wickedness and +embraced Christianity, this never would have happened."</p> + +<p>Momma compressed her lips and then relaxed them again to say, "I think +that idea perfectly ridiculous." I scented battle and hung upon the +issue, but the Senator for the third time interposed.</p> + +<p>"Why no, Augusta," he said, "I guess that's a working hypothesis of Aunt +Caroline's. Here's Vesuvius smokin' away ever since just the same, and +there's Naples with a bishop and the relics of Saint Januarius. You can +read in your guide-book that whenever Vesuvius has looked as if he meant +business for the past few hundred years, the people of Naples have +simply called on the bishop to take out the relics of Saint Januarius +and walk 'em round the town; and that's always been enough for Vesuvius. +Now the Pompeii folks didn't know a saint or a bishop by sight, and +Jupiter, as Aunt Caroline says, was never properly qualified to +interfere. That's how it was, I <i>presume</i>. I don't suppose the people of +Naples take much stock in the laws of nature; they don't have to, with +Januarius in a drawer. And real estate keeps booming right along."</p> + +<p>"You have an extraordinary way of putting things," remarked Mrs. +Portheris to her nephew. "Very extraordinary. But I am glad to hear that +you agree with me," and she looked as if she did not understand momma's +acquiescent smile.</p> + +<p>We went our several ways to see the baths, and the Comic Theatre, the +bakehouse and the gymnasium; and I had a little walk by myself in the +Street of Abundance, where the little empty houses waited patiently on +either side for those to return who had gone out, and the sun lay full +on their floors of dusty mosaic, and their gardens where nothing grew. +It seemed to me, as it seems to everybody, that Pompeii was not dead, +but asleep, and her tints were so clear and gay that her dreams might be +those of a ballet-girl. A solitary yellow dog chased a lizard in the +sun, and the pebbles he knocked about made an absurdly disturbing noise. +Beyond the vague tinted roofless walls that stretched over the pleasant +little peninsula, the blue sea rippled tenderly, remembering much +delight, and the place seemed to smile in its sleep. It was easy to +understand why Cicero chose to have his villa in the midst of such +light-heartedness, and why the gods, perhaps, decided that they had lent +too much laughter to Pompeii. I made free of the hospitality of +Cornelius Rufus and sat for a while in his <i>exedra</i>, where he himself, +in marble on a little pillar in the middle of the room, made me as +welcome as if I had been a client or a neighbour. We considered each +other across the centuries, making mutual allowances, and spent the most +sociable half-hour. I take a personal interest in the city's disaster +now—it overwhelmed one of my friends.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII.</h2> + + +<p>On the Lungarno in Florence, in the cool of the evening, we walked +together, the Senator, momma, Dicky, and I. Dicky radiated depression, +if such a thing is atmospherically possible; we all moved in it. Mr. Dod +had been banished from the Portheris party, and he groaned over the +reflection that it was his own fault. At Pompeii I had exerted myself in +his interest to such an extent that Mr. Mafferton detached himself from +Mrs. Portheris and attached himself to momma for the drive home. Little +did I realise that one could be too agreeable in a good cause. Dicky +insinuated himself with difficulty into Mr. Mafferton's vacant place +opposite Mrs. Portheris, and even before the carriages started I saw +that he was going to have a bad time. His own version of the experience +was painful in the extreme, and he represented the climax as having +occurred just as they arrived at the hotel. The unfortunate youth must +have been goaded to his fate, for his general attitude toward matters of +orthodoxy was most discreet.</p> + +<p>"There is something <i>Biblical</i>," said Mrs. Portheris (so Dicky related), +"that those Pompeiian remains remind me of, and I cannot think what it +is."</p> + +<p>"Lot's wife, mamma?" said Isabel.</p> + +<p>"<i>Quite</i> right, my child—what a memory you have! That wretched woman +who stopped to look back at the city where careless friends and +relatives were enjoying themselves, indifferent to their coming fate, in +direct disobedience to the command. Of course, she turned to salt, and +these people to ashes, but she must have looked very much like them when +the process was completed."</p> + +<p>That was Dicky's opportunity for restraint and submission, but he seemed +to have been physically unable to take it. He rushed, instead, blindly +to perdition. "I don't believe that yarn," he said.</p> + +<p>There was a moment's awful silence, during which Dicky said he counted +his heart-beats and felt as if he had announced himself an atheist or a +Jew, and then his sentence fell.</p> + +<p>"In that case, Mr. Dod, I must infer that you are opposed to the +doctrine of the complete inspiration of Holy Writ. If you do not believe +in that, I shudder to think of what you may not believe in. I will say +no more now, but after dinner I will be obliged to speak to you for a +few minutes, privately. Thank you, I can get out without assistance."</p> + +<p>And after dinner, privately, Dicky learned that Mrs. Portheris had for +some time been seriously considering the effect of his, to her, +painfully flippant views, upon the opening mind of her daughter—the +child had only been out six months—and that his distressing +announcement of this morning left her in no further doubt as to her +path of duty. She would always endeavour to have as kindly a +recollection of him as possible, he had really been very obliging, but +for the present she must ask him to make some other travelling +arrangements. Cook, she believed, would always change one's tickets less +ten per cent., but she would leave that to Dicky. And she hoped, she +<i>sincerely</i> hoped, that time would improve his views. When that was +accomplished she trusted he would write and tell her, but not before.</p> + +<p>"And while I'm getting good and ready to pass an examination in Noah, +Jonah, and Methuselah," remarked Dicky bitterly, as we discussed the +situation on the Lungarno for the seventh time that day, "Mafferton +sails in."</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you tell her plainly that you wanted to marry Isabel, and +would brook no opposition?" I demanded, for my stock of sympathy was +getting low.</p> + +<p>"Now that's a valuable suggestion, isn't it?" returned Mr. Dod with +sarcasm. "Good old psychological moment that was, wasn't it? Talk about +girls having tact! Besides, I've never told Isabel herself yet, and I'm +not the American to give in to the effete and decaying custom of asking +a girl's poppa, or momma if it's a case of widow, first. Not Richard +Dod."</p> + +<p>"What on earth," I exclaimed, "have you been doing all this time?"</p> + +<p>"Now go slow, Mamie, and don't look at me like that. I've been trying to +make her acquainted with me—explaining the kind of fellow I +am—getting solid with her. See?"</p> + +<p>"Showing her the beauties of your character!" I exclaimed derisively.</p> + +<p>"I said something about the defects, too," said Dicky modestly, "though +not so much. And I was getting on beautifully, though it isn't so easy +with an English girl. They don't seem to think it's proper to analyse +your character. They're so maidenly."</p> + +<p>"And so unenterprising," I said, but I said it to myself.</p> + +<p>"Isabel was actually beginning to <i>lead up to the subject</i>," Dicky went +on. "She asked me the other day if it was true that all American men +were flirts. In another week I should have felt that she would know what +was proposing to her."</p> + +<p>"And you were going to wait another week?"</p> + +<p>"Well, a man wants every advantage," said Dicky blandly.</p> + +<p>"Did you explain to Isabel that you were only joining our party in the +hope of meeting her accidentally soon again?"</p> + +<p>"What else," asked he in pained surprise, "should I have joined it for? +No, I didn't; I hadn't the chance, for one thing. You took the first +train back to Rome next morning, you know. She wasn't up."</p> + +<p>"True," I responded. "Momma said not another hour of her husband's Aunt +Caroline would she ever willingly endure. She said she would spend her +entire life, if necessary, in avoiding the woman." But Dicky had not +followed the drift of my thought.</p> + +<p>I added vaguely, "I hope she will understand it"—I really couldn't be +more definite—and bade Mr. Dod good-night. He held my hand +absent-mindedly for a moment, and mentioned the effectiveness of the +Ponte Vecchio from that point of view.</p> + +<p>"I didn't feel bound to change my tickets less ten per cent.," he said +hopefully, "and we're sure to come across them early and often. In the +meantime you might try and soften me a little—about Lot's wife."</p> + +<p>Next day, in the Ufizzi, it was no surprise to meet the Miss Binghams. +We had a guilty consciousness of fellow-citizenship as we recognised +them, and did our best to look as if two weeks were quite long enough to +be forgotten in, but they seemed charitable and forgiving on this +account, said they had looked out for us everywhere, and <i>had</i> we seen +the cuttings in the Vatican?</p> + +<p>"The statues, you know," explained Miss Cora kindly, seeing that we did +not comprehend. "Marvellous—simply marvellous! We enjoyed nothing so +much as the marble department. It takes it out of you though—we were +awfully done afterwards."</p> + +<p>I wondered what Phidias would have said to the "cuttings," and whether +the Miss Binghams imagined it a Briticism. It also occurred to me that +one should never mix one's colloquialisms; but that, of course, did not +prevent their coming round with us. I believe they did it partly to +diffuse their guide among a larger party. He was hanging, as they came +up, upon Miss Cora's reluctant earring, so to speak, and she was +mechanically saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" to his representations. "I +suppose," said she inadvertently, "there is no way of preventing their +giving one information," and after that when she hospitably pressed the +guide upon us we felt at liberty to be unappreciative.</p> + +<p>I regret to write it of two maiden ladies of good New York family, and a +knowledge of the world; but the Miss Binghams capitulated to Dicky Dod +with a promptness and unanimity which would have been very bad for him +if nobody had been there to counteract its effects. He walked between +them through the vestibules, absorbing a flow of tribute from each side +with a complacency which his recent trying experiences made all the more +profound. There was always a something, Miss Nancy declared, about an +American who had made his home in England—you could always tell. "In +your case, Mr. Dod, there is an association of Bond Street. I can't +describe it, but it is there. I hope you don't mind my saying so."</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," said Dicky, "I guess it's my tailor. He lives in Bond Street;" +but this was artless and not ironical. Miss Cora went further. "I should +have taken Mr. Dod for an Englishman," she said, at which the +miscalculated Mr. Dod looked alarmed.</p> + +<p>"Is that so?" he responded. "Then I'll book my passage back at once. +I've been over there too long. You see I've been kind of obliged to +stay for reasons connected with the firm, but you ladies can take my +word for it that when you get through this sort of ridiculous veneer +I've picked up you'll find a regular all-wool-and-a-yard-wide +city-of-Chicago American, and I'm bound to ask you not to forget it. +This English way of talking is a thing that grows on a fellow +unconsciously, don't you know. It wears off when you get home."</p> + +<p>At which Miss Cora and Miss Nancy looked at each other smilingly and +repeated "Don't you know" in derisive echo, and we all felt that our +young friend had been too modest about his acquirements.</p> + +<p>"But we mustn't neglect our old masters," cried Miss Nancy as those of +the first corridor began to slip past us on the walls, with no desire to +interrupt. "What do you think of this Greek Byzantine style, Mr. Wick? +Somehow it doesn't seem to appeal to me, though whether it's the +flatness—or what——"</p> + +<p>"It <i>is</i> flat, certainly," agreed the Senator, "but that's a very +popular style of angel for Christmas cards—the more expensive kinds. +Here, I suppose, we get the original."</p> + +<p>"That is Tuscan school, sir—madam," put in the guide, "and not +angel—Saint Cecilia. Fourteen century, but we do not know that artiss +his name. In the book you will see Cimabue, but it is not +Cimabue—unknown artiss."</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" cried momma. "St. Cecilia, of course. Don't you remember her +expression—in the Catacombs?"</p> + +<p>"She's sweet, always and everywhere," said Miss Cora, as we moved on, +leaving the guide explaining St. Cecilia with his hands behind his back. +"And you did go to Capri after all? Now I wonder, Nancy, if they had our +experience about the oysters?"</p> + +<p>"A horrid little man!" cried momma.</p> + +<p>"Who showed you the way to the steamer——"</p> + +<p>"And hung around doing things the whole enduring time," continued my +parent, as Mark Antony's daughter turned her head aside, and Drusus, the +brother of Tiberius, frowned upon our passing.</p> + +<p>"He must have been our man!" cried both the Misses Bingham, with +excitement.</p> + +<p>"In the manner of Taddeo Gaddi," interrupted the guide, surprising us on +the flank with a Holy Family.</p> + +<p>"All right," said the Senator. "Well, this fellow proposed to bring our +party oysters on the steamer, and we took him, of course, for the +steward's tout——"</p> + +<p>"Exactly what we thought."</p> + +<p>"Since <i>you</i> are going to tell the story, Alexander, I may remind you +that he said they were the best in the world," remarked momma, with +several degrees of frost.</p> + +<p>"My dear, the anecdote is yours. But you remember I told him they +wouldn't be in it with Blue Points."</p> + +<p>"Now <i>what</i>," exclaimed Miss Nancy, with excitement, "did he ask you for +them?"</p> + +<p>"Three francs a head, Nancy, wasn't it, Mrs. Wick? And you gave the +order, and the man disappeared. And you thought he'd gone to get them; +at least, we did. Nancy here had perfect confidence in him. She said he +had such dog-like eyes, and we were both perfectly certain they would be +served when the steamer stopped at the Blue Grotto——" Miss Cora paused +to smile.</p> + +<p>"But they weren't," suggested momma feebly.</p> + +<p>"No, indeed, and hadn't the slightest intention of being." Miss Nancy +took up the tale. "Not until we were taking off our gloves in the hotel +verandah, and making up our minds to a good hot lunch, did those oysters +appear—exactly half a dozen, and bread and butter extra! And we +couldn't say we hadn't ordered them. And the lunch was only two francs +fifty, <i>complet</i>. But we felt we ought to content ourselves with the +oysters, though, of course, you wouldn't with gentlemen in your party. +Now, what course <i>did</i> you pursue, Mrs. Wick?"</p> + +<p>"Really," said momma distantly, "I don't remember. I believe we had +enough to eat. Surely that is little Moses being taken from the +bulrushes! How it adds to one's interest to recognise the subject."</p> + +<p>"By B. Luti," responded Miss Nancy. "I <i>hope</i> he isn't very well known, +for I never heard of him before. Now, there's a Domenichino; I can tell +it from here. I do love Domenichino, don't you?"</p> + +<p>I suppose the Senator knew that momma didn't love Domenichino, and would +possibly be at a loss to say why; at all events, he remarked that, +talking of Capri, he hoped the Miss Binghams had not felt as badly about +inconveniencing the donkeys that took them to the top of the cliff as +momma had. "Mrs. Wick," he informed them, "rode an ass by the name of +Michael Angelo, perfectly accustomed to the climate, and, do you believe +it, she held her parasol over that animal's head the whole way." At +which everybody laughed, and momma, invested with an original and +amiable weakness, was appeased.</p> + +<p>"Of Michelangelo we have not here much," said the guide patiently. +"Drawings yes, and one holy Family—magnificent! But all in another room +w'ich——"</p> + +<p>"Now what Bramley said about the Ufizzi was this," continued the +Senator. "'You'll see on those walls,' he said, 'the best picture show +in the world, both for pedigree and quality of goods displayed. I'd go +as far as to say they're all worth looking at, even those that have been +presented to the institution. But don't you look at them,' Bramley said, +'as a whole. You keep all your absorbing-power for one apartment,' he +said—'the Tribune. You'll want it.' Bramley gave me to understand that +it wasn't any use he didn't profess to be able to describe his sublimer +emotions, but when he sat down in the Tribune he had a sort of +instinctive idea that he'd got the cream of it—he didn't want to go any +further."</p> + +<p>We decided, therefore, in spite of such minor attractions as those of +Niobe and her daughters, at once to achieve the Tribune, feeling, as +poppa said, that it would be most unfortunate to have our admiration all +used up before we reached it. The guide led the way, and it was beguiled +with the fascinating experience of the Miss Binghams, who had met Queen +Marguerite driving in the Villa Borghese at Rome and had received a bow +from her Majesty of which nothing would ever be able to deprive them. +"Of course we drew up to let her pass," said Miss Nancy, "and were +careful not to make ourselves in any way conspicuous, merely standing up +in the carriage as an ordinary mark of respect. And she looked charming, +all in pink and white, with a faded old maid of honour that set her off +beautifully, didn't she, Cora? And such a pretty smile she gave us—they +say she likes the better class of Americans."</p> + +<p>"Oh, we've nothing to regret about Rome," rejoined Cora. "Even Peter's +toe. I wouldn't have kissed it at the time if the guide hadn't said it +was really Jupiter's. I was sure our dear vicar wouldn't mind my kissing +Jupiter's toe. But now I'm glad I did it in any case. People always ask +you that."</p> + +<p>When we arrived at the little octagonal treasure chamber Mr. Dod and +Miss Cora sat down together on one of the less conspicuous sofas, and I +saw that Dicky was already warmed to confidence. Momma at once gave up +her soul to the young St. John, having had an engraving of it ever since +she was a little girl, and the Senator went solemnly from canvas to +canvas on tip-toe with a mind equally open to Job and the Fornarina. He +assured Miss Nancy and me that Bramley was perfectly right in thinking +everything of the Tribune, and with reference to the Dancing Fawn, that +it was worth a visit to see Michael Angelo's notion of executing repairs +to statuary alone. He gave the place the benefit of his most serious +attention, pulling his beard a good deal before Titian's Venus (which +poppa always did in connection with this goddess, however, entirely +apart from the merit of the painting) and obviously making allowances +for her of Medici on account of her great age. At the end of the hour we +spent there it had the same effect upon him as upon Colonel Bramley, he +did not wish to go any further; and we parted from the Miss Binghams, +who did. As I said good-bye to Miss Cora she gave my hand a subtly +sympathetic pressure, whispered tenderly, "He's very nice," and +roguishly escaped before I could ask who was, or what difference it +made. Having thought it over, I took the first opportunity of inquiring +of Dicky how much of his private affairs he had unburdened to Miss Cora. +"Oh," said he, "hardly anything. She knows a former young lady friend of +mine in Syracuse—we still exchange Christmas cards—and that led me on +to say I thought of getting married this winter. Of course I didn't +mention Isabel."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII.</h2> + + +<p>Out of indulgence to Dicky we lingered in Florence three or four days +longer than was at all convenient, considering, as the Senator said, the +amount of ground we had to cover before we could conscientiously recross +the Channel. But neither poppa nor momma were people to desert a +fellow-countryman in distress in foreign parts, especially in view of +this one's pathetic reliance upon our sympathy and support, as a family. +We all did our best toward the distraction of what momma called his poor +mind, though I cannot say that we were very successful. His poor mind +seemed wholly taken up with one anticipative idea, and whatever failed +to minister to that he hadn't, as poppa sadly said, any use for. The +cloisters of San Marco had no healing for his spirit, and when we +directed his attention to the solitary painting on the wall with which +Fra Angelico made a shrine of each of its monastic cubicles he merely +remarked that it was more than you got in most hotels, and turned +joylessly away. Even the charred stick that helped to martyr Savonarola +left him cold. He said, indifferently, that it was only the natural +result of mixing up politics and religion, and that certain Chicago +ministers who supported Bryan from the pulpit might well take warning. +But his words were apathetic; he did not really care whether those +Chicago ministers went to the stake or not. We stood him before the +bronze gates of Ghiberti, and walked him up and down between rows of +works in <i>pietra dura</i>, but without any permanent effect, and when he +contemplated the consecrated residences of Cimabue and Cellini, we could +see that his interest was perfunctory, and that out of the corner of his +eye he really considered passing fiacres. I read to him aloud from +"Romola," and momma bought him an English and Italian washing book that +he might keep a record of his <i>camicie</i> and his <i>fazzoletti</i>—it would +be so interesting afterwards, she thought—while the Senator exerted +himself in the way of cheerful conversation, but it was very +discouraging. Even when we dined at the fashionable open air restaurant +in the Cascine, with no less a person than Ouida, in a fluff of grey +hair and black lace, at the next table, and the most distinguished +gambler of the Italian aristocracy presenting a narrow back to us from +the other side, he permitted poppa to compare the quality of the beef +fillets unfavourably with those of New York in silence, and drank his +Chianti with a lack-lustre eye.</p> + +<p>Towards the end of the week, however, Dicky grew remorseful. "It's all +very well," he said to me privately, "for Mrs. Wick to say that she +could spend a lifetime in Florence, if the houses only had a few modern +conveniences. I daresay she could—and as for your poppa, he's as +patient as if this were a Washington hotel and he had a caucus every +night, but it's as plain as Dante's nose that the Senator's dead sick of +this city."</p> + +<p>"Dicky," I said, "that is a reflection of your own state of mind. Poppa +is willing to take as much more Botticelli and Filippo Lippi as it may +be necessary to give him."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I know he <i>would</i>" Dicky admitted, "but he isn't as young as he +was, and I should hate to feel I was imposing on him. Besides, I'm +beginning to conclude that they've skipped Florence."</p> + +<p>So it came to pass that we departed for Venice next day, tarrying one +night at Bologna. We had cut a day off Bologna for Dicky's sake, but the +Senator could not be persuaded to sacrifice it altogether on account of +its well known manufacture, into the conditions of which he wished to +inquire. The shops, as we drove to the hotel, seemed to expose nothing +else for sale, but poppa said that, in spite of the local consumption, +it had certainly fallen off, and, as an official representative of one +of its great rivals in the west, he naturally felt a compunctious +interest in the state of the industry. The hotel had a little courtyard, +with an orange tree in the middle and palms in pots, and we came down +the wide marble stairs, past the statues on the landing, and the +paintings on the walls, to find dinner laid on round tables out there, I +remember. A note of momma's occurs here to the effect that there is a +great deal too much fine art in Italian hotels, with a reference to the +fact that the one at Naples had the whole of Pompeii painted on the +dining room walls. She considers this practice embarrassing to the +public mind, which has no way of knowing whether to admire these things +or not, though personally we boldly decided to scorn them all. This, +however, has nothing to do with poppa and the commercial traveller. We +knew he was a commercial traveller by the way he put his toothpick in +his pocket, though poppa said afterwards that he was not exceptionally +endowed for that line of business. He was dining at our table, and by +his gratified manner when we sat down, it was plain that he could speak +English and would be very pleased to do so. Poppa, knowing that his time +was short, began at once.</p> + +<p>"You belong to Bologna, sir?" he inquired with his first spoonful of +soup. For some reason it seems impossible to address a stranger at a +<i>table d'hôte</i>, before the soup takes the baldness off the situation.</p> + +<p>The gentleman smiled. He had a broad, open, amiable, red face, with a +short black beard and a round head covered with thick hair in curls, +beautifully parted. "I do not think I belong," he said; "my house of +business, it is at Milan, and I am born at Finalmarina. But I come much +to Bologna, yes."</p> + +<p>"Where did you say you were born?" asked the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Finalmarina. You did not go to there, no? I am sorry."</p> + +<p>"It does seem a pity," replied poppa, "but we've been obliged to pass a +considerable number of your commercial centres, sir. This city, I +presume, has large manufacturing interests?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, I suppose. You 'ave seen that San Petronio, you cannot help. +Very enorm'! More big than San Peter in Rome. But not complete since +fourteenth century. In America you 'ave nothing unfinish, is it not?"</p> + +<p>"Far as that goes," said poppa, "we generally manage to complete our +contracts within the year; as a rule, I may say within the building +season. But I have seen one or two Roman Catholic churches left with the +scaffolding hanging round the ceiling for a good deal longer, the altar +all fixed up too, and public worship going on just as usual. It seems to +be a way they have. Well, sir, I knew Bologna, by reputation, better +than any other Italian city, for years. Your local manufacture did the +business. As a boy at school, there was nothing I was more fond of for +my dinner. Thirty years ago, sir, the interest was created that brings +me here to-day."</p> + +<p>The commercial traveller bowed with much gratification. In the meantime +he had presented a card to momma, which informed her that Ricardo +Bellini represented the firm of Isapetti and Co., Milan, Artificial +Flowers and Lace.</p> + +<p>"Thirty years, that is a long time to remember Bologna, I cannot say +that thirty years I remember New York. You will not believe!" He was +obviously not more than twenty-five, so this was vastly humorous. +"Twenty years, yes, twenty years I will say! And have you seen San +Stefano? Seven churches in one! Also the most old. And having forty +Jerusalem martyrs."</p> + +<p>"Forty would go a long way in relics," the Senator observed with +discouragement, "but my remarks had reference to the Bologna sausage, +sir."</p> + +<p>"Sausage—ah! <i>mortadella</i>—yes they make here I believe." Mr. Bellini +held up his knife and fork to enable his plate to be changed and looked +darkly at the succeeding course. "But every Italian cannot like that +dish. I eat him never. You will not find in this hotel no." His manner +indicated a personal hostility to the Bologna sausage, but the Senator +did not seem to notice it.</p> + +<p>"You don't say so! Local consumption going off too, eh? Now how do you +explain that?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Bellini shrugged his shoulders. "It is much eat by the poor people. +They will always have that <i>mortadella</i>!"</p> + +<p>"That looks," said the Senator thoughtfully, "like the production of an +inferior article. But not necessarily, not necessarily, of course."</p> + +<p>"Bologna it is very <i>ecclesiastic</i>." Mr. Bellini addressed my other +parent, recovering a smile. "We have produced here six popes. It is the +fame of Bologna."</p> + +<p>"You seem to think a great deal of producing popes in Italy," momma +replied coldly. "I should consider it a terrible responsibility."</p> + +<p>"Now do you suppose," said poppa confidentially, "that the idea of +trichinosis had anything to do with slackening the demand?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Bellini threw his head back, and passionately replaced a section of +biscuit and cheese in the middle of his plate.</p> + +<p>"I know nossing, any more than you! Why you speak me always that Bologna +sausage! <i>Pazienza!</i> What is it that sausage to make the agreeable +conversation!"</p> + +<p>"Sir," exclaimed the Senator with astonishment and equal heat, "you +don't seem to be aware of it, but at one time the Bologna sausage ruled +the world!"</p> + +<p>Mr. Bellini, however, could evidently not trust himself to discuss the +matter further. He rose precipitately with an outraged, impersonal bow, +and left the table, abandoning his biscuit and cheese, his half finished +bottle of Rudesheimer and the figs that were to follow, with the +indifference of a lofty nature.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry I spoiled his dinner," said poppa with concern, "but if a +Bologna man can't talk about Bologna sausages, what can he talk about?"</p> + +<p>It made the Senator reticent, though, as to sausages of any kind, with +the other commercial traveller—the hotel was full of them, and we found +it very entertaining after the barren dining rooms of southern +Italy—with whom we breakfasted. He spoke to this one exclusively about +the architectural and historic features of the city, in a manner which +forbade any approach to gastronomic themes, and while the second +commercial traveller regarded him with great respect, it must be +confessed that the conversation languished. Dicky might have helped us +out, but Dicky was following his usual custom of having rooms in one +hotel and covering as many others as possible with his meals, in the +hope of an accidental meeting. This was excellent as a distraction for +his mind, but since it occasionally led him into three <i>déjeuners</i> and +two dinners, rather bad, we feared, for other parts of him. He had +confided his design to me; he intended, on meeting Isabel's eye, to turn +very pale, abruptly terminate his repast, ask for his hat and stick, and +walk out with conspicuous agitation. As to the course he meant to pursue +afterwards he was vague; the great thing was to make an impression upon +Isabel. We differed about the nature of the impression. Dicky took it +for granted that she would be profoundly affected, but he made no +allowance for the way in which maternal vigilance like that of Mrs. +Portheris can discourage the imagination.</p> + +<p>Poppa made two further attempts to inform himself upon the leading +manufacturing interest of Bologna. He inquired of the <i>padrone</i>, who was +pleased to hear that Bologna had a leading manufacturing interest, and +when my parent asked where he could see the process, pointed out several +shops in the Piazza Maggiore. One of these the Senator visited, +note-book in hand, and was shown with great alacrity every variety of +<i>mortadella,</i> from delicacies the size of a finger to mottled +conceptions as thick as a small barrel. He found a difficulty in +explaining, however, even with an Italian phrase book, that it was the +manufacture only about which he was curious, and that, admirable as the +result might be, he did not wish to buy any of it. When the latter fact +finally made itself plain, the proprietor became truculent and gave us, +although he spoke no English, so vivid an idea of the inconsistency of +our presence in his premises, that we retired in all the irritation of +the well-meaning and misunderstood. The Senator, however, who had +absolute confidence in his phrase book, saw a deeper significance in the +remarkable unwillingness of the people of Bologna to expatiate upon the +feature which had given them fame. "The fact is," said he gloomily, +restoring his note-book to his inside pocket as we entered the +terra-cotta doorway of St. Catarina, "they're not anxious to let a +stranger into the know of it." And this conviction remaining with him, +still inspires the Senator with a contemptuous pity for the porcine +methods of a people who refuse to submit them to the light of day and +the observation of the world at large.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX.</h2> + + +<p>So far, momma said she had every reason to be pleased with the effect on +her mind. About the Senator's she would not commit herself, beyond +saying that we had a great deal to be thankful for in that his health +hadn't suffered, in spite of the indigestibility of that eternal French +twist and honey that you were obliged on the Continent to begin the day +with. She hoped, I think, that the Senator had absorbed other things +beside the French twist equally unconsciously, with beneficial results +that would appear later. He said himself that it was well worth +anybody's while to make the trip, if only in order to be better +satisfied with America for the rest of his life, but why people +belonging to the United States and the nineteenth century should want to +spend whole summers in the Middle Ages he failed to understand. Both my +parents, however, looked forward to Venice with enthusiasm. Momma +expected it to be the realization of all her dreams, and poppa decided +that it must, at all events, be unique. It couldn't have any Arno or any +Campagna in the nature of things—that would be a change—and it was not +possible to the human mind, however sophisticated, with a livelong +experience of street cars and herdics, to stroll up and take a seat in +a gondola and know exactly what would happen, where the fare-box was and +everything, and whether they took Swiss silver, and if a gentleman in a +crowded gondola was expected to give up his seat to a lady and stand. +Poppa, as a stranger and unaccustomed to the motion, hoped this would +not be the case, but I knew him well enough to predict that if it were +so he would vindicate American gallantry at all risks.</p> + +<p>Thus it was that, from the moment momma put her head out of the car +window, after Mestre, and exclaimed, "It's getting wateryer and +wateryer," Venice was a source of the completest joy and satisfaction to +both my parents. Dicky and I took it with the more moderate appreciation +natural to our years, but it gave us the greatest pleasure to watch the +simple and unrestrained delight of momma and poppa, and to revert, as it +were, in their experience, to what our own enjoyment might have been had +we been born when they were. "No express agents, no delivery carts, no +baggage checks," murmured poppa, as our trunks glided up to the hotel +steps, "but it gets there all the same." This was the keynote of his +admiration—everything got there all the same. The surprise of it was +repeated every time anything got there, and was only dashed once when we +saw brown-paper parcels being delivered by a boy at the back door of the +Palazzo Balbi, who had evidently walked all the way. The Senator +commented upon that boy and his groceries as an inconsistency, and +thereafter carefully closed his eyes to the fact that even our own +hotel, which faced upon the Grand Canal, had communications to the rear +by which its guests could explore a large part of commercial Venice +without going in a gondola at all. The canals were the only highways he +would recognise, and he went three times to St. Maria della Salute, +which was immediately opposite, for the sake of crossing the street in +the Venetian way. Momma became really hopeful about the stimulus to his +imagination; she told him so. "It appeals to you, Alexander," she said. +"Its poetry comes home to you—you needn't deny it;" and poppa cordially +admitted it. "Yes," he said, "Ruskin, according to the guide-book, +doesn't seem as if he could say too much about this city, and Bramley +was just the same. They're both right, and if we were going to be here +long enough I'd be like that myself. There's something about it that +makes you willing to take a lot of trouble to describe it. There's no +use saying it's the canals, or the reflections in the water, or the +bridges, or the pigeons, or the gargoyles, or the gondolas——"</p> + +<p>"Or Salviati, or Jesurum," said momma, in lighter vein.</p> + +<p>"Your memory, Augusta, for the names of old masters is perfectly +wonderful," continued poppa placidly. "Or Salviati, or Jesurum, or what. +But there's a kind of local spell about this place——"</p> + +<p>"There are various kinds of local smells," interrupted Dicky, whom Mrs. +Portheris still evaded, but this levity received no encouragement from +the Senator. He said instead that he hadn't noticed them himself. For +his part he had come to Venice to use his eyes, not his nose; and Dicky, +thus discouraged, faded visibly upon his stem.</p> + +<p>I could see that poppa was still strongly under the influence of the +Venetian sentiment when he invited me to go out in a gondola with him +after dinner, and pointedly neglected to suggest that either momma or +Dicky should come too. I had a presentiment of his intention. If I have +seemed, thus far, to omit all reference to Mr. Page in Boston, since we +left Paris, it is, first, because I believe it is not considered +necessary in a book of travels to account for every half hour, and +second, because I privately believed him to be in correspondence with +the Senator the whole time, and hesitated to expose his duplicity. I had +given poppa opportunities for confessing this clandestine business, but +in his paternal wisdom he had not taken them. I was not prepared, +therefore, to be very responsive when, from a mere desire to indulge his +sense of the fitness of things, poppa endeavoured to probe my sentiments +with regard to Mr. Page by moonlight on the Grand Canal. To begin with, +I wasn't sure of them—so much depended upon what Arthur had been doing; +and besides, I felt that the perfect confidence which should exist +between father and daughter had already been a good deal damaged at the +paternal end. So when poppa said that it must seem to me like a dream, +so much had happened since the day momma and I left Chicago at +twenty-four hours' notice, six weeks ago, I said no, for my part I had +felt pretty wide awake all the time; a person had to be, I ventured to +add, with no more time to waste upon Southern Europe than we had.</p> + +<p>"You mean you've been sleeping pretty badly," said the Senator +sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"Where was it," I inquired, "you would give us pounded crabs and cream +for supper after we'd been to hear masses for the repose of somebody's +soul? That was a bad night, but I don't think I've had any others. On +the contrary."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well," said poppa, "it's a good thing it isn't undermining your +constitution," but he looked as if it were rather a disappointment.</p> + +<p>"The American constitution can stand a lot of transportation," I +remarked. "Railways live on that fact. I've heard you say so yourself, +Senator."</p> + +<p>Then there was an interval during which the oars of the gondoliers +dipped musically, and the moon made a golden pathway to the marble steps +of the Palazzo Contarina. Then poppa said, "I refer to the object of our +tour."</p> + +<p>"The object of our tour wasn't to undermine my constitution," I replied. +"It was to write a book—don't you remember. But it's some time since +you made any suggestions. If you don't look out, the author of that +volume will practically be momma."</p> + +<p>The Senator allowed himself to be diverted. "I think," he said, "you'd +better leave the chapter on Venice to me; you can't just talk anyhow +about this city. I'll write it one of these nights before I go to bed."</p> + +<p>"But the main reason," he continued, "that sent us to glide this minute +over the canal system of the Bride of the Adriatic was the necessity of +bracing you up after what you'd been through."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "it's been very successful. I'm all braced up. I'm glad +we have had such a good excuse for coming." A fib is sometimes necessary +to one's self-respect.</p> + +<p>"<i>Premé!</i>" cried the gondolier, and we shaved past the gondola of a +solitary gentleman just leaving the steps of the Hotel Britannia.</p> + +<p>"That was a shave!" poppa exclaimed, and added somewhat inconsequently, +"You might just as well not speak so loud."</p> + +<p>"I've always liked Arty," he continued, as we glided on.</p> + +<p>"So have I," I returned cordially.</p> + +<p>"He's in many ways a lovely fellow," said poppa.</p> + +<p>"I guess he is," said I.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe," ventured my parent, "that his matrimonial ideas have +cooled down any."</p> + +<p>"I hope he may marry well," I said. "Has he decided on Frankie Turner?"</p> + +<p>"He has come to no decision that you don't know about. Of course, I have +no desire to interfere where it isn't any of my business, but if you +wish to gratify your poppa, daughter, you will obey him in this matter, +and permit Arthur once more to—to come round evenings as he used to. He +is a young man of moderate income, but a very level head, and it is the +wish of my heart to see you reconciled."</p> + +<p>"Sorry I can't oblige you, poppa," I said. I certainly was not going to +have any reconciliation effected by poppa.</p> + +<p>"You'd better just consider it, daughter. I don't want to interfere—but +you know my desire, my command."</p> + +<p>"Senator," said I, "you don't seem to realise that it takes more than a +gondola to make a paternal Doge. I've got to ask you to remember that I +was born in Chicago. And it's my bed time. Gondolier! <i>Albergo! Andate +presto!</i>"</p> + +<p>"He seems to understand you," said poppa meekly.</p> + +<p>So we dropped Arthur—dropped him, so to speak, into the Grand Canal, +and I really felt callous at the time as to whether he should ever come +up again.</p> + +<p>But the Senator's joy in Venice found other means of expressing itself. +One was an active and disinterested appeal to the gondoliers to be a +little less modern in their costume. He approached this subject through +the guide with every gondolier in turn, and the smiling impassiveness +with which his suggestions were received still causes him wonder and +disgust. "I presume," he remonstrated, "you think you earn your living +because tourists have got to get from the Accademia to St. Mark's, and +from St. Mark's to the Bridge of Sighs, but that's only a quarter of the +reason. The other three-quarters is because they like to be rowed there +in gondolas by the gondoliers they've read about, and the gondoliers +they've read about wore proper gondoliering clothes—they didn't look +like East River loafers."</p> + +<p>"They are poor men, these <i>gondolieri</i>," remarked the guide. "They +cannot afford."</p> + +<p>"I am not an infant, my friend. I'm a business man from Chicago. It's a +business proposition. Put your gondoliers into the styles they wore when +Andrea Dandolo went looting Constantinople, and you'll double your +tourist traffic in five years. Twice as many people wanting gondolas, +wanting guides, wanting hotel accommodation, buying your coloured glass +and lace flounces—why, Great Scott! it would pay the city to do the +thing at the public expense. Then you could pass a by-law forbidding +gondoliering to be done in any style later than the fifteenth century. +Pay you over and over again."</p> + +<p>Poppa was in earnest, he wanted it done. He was only dissuaded from +taking more active measures to make his idea public by the fact that he +couldn't stay to put it through. He was told, of course, how the plain +black gondola came to be enforced through the extravagance of the nobles +who ruined themselves to have splendid ones, and how the Venetians +scrupled to depart from a historic mandate, but he considered this a +feeble argument, probably perpetuated by somebody who enjoyed a monopoly +in supplying Venice with black paint. "Circumstances alter cases," he +declared. "If that old Doge knew that the P. and O. was going to run +direct between Venice and Bombay every fortnight this year, he'd tell +you to turn out your gondolas silver-gilt!"</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, as I say, the Senator's views were coldly received, with +one exception. A highly picturesque and intelligent gondolier, whom the +guide sought to convert to a sense of the anachronism of his clothes in +connection with his calling, promised that if we would give him a +definite engagement for next day, he would appear suitably clad. The +following morning he awaited us with honest pride in his Sunday apparel, +which included violently checked trousers, a hard felt hat, and a large +pink tie. The Senator paid him hurriedly and handsomely and dismissed +him with as little injury to his feelings as was possible under the +circumstances. "Tell him," said poppa to the guide, "to go home and take +off those pants. And tell him, do you understand, to <i>rush</i>!"</p> + +<p>That same day, in the afternoon, I remember, when we were disembarking +for an ice at Florian's, momma directed our attention to two gentlemen +in an approaching gondola. "There's something about that man," she said +impressively, "I mean the one in the duster, that belongs to the reign +of Louis Philippe."</p> + +<p>"There is," I responded; "we saw him last in the Petit Trianon. It's +Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson. Two more Transatlantic fellow-travellers. +Senator, when we meet them shall we greet them?"</p> + +<p>The Senator had a moment of self-expostulation.</p> + +<p>"Well, no," he said, "I guess not. I don't suppose we need feel obliged +to keep up the acquaintance of <i>every</i> American we come across in +Europe. It would take us all our time. But I'd like to ask him what use +he finds for a duster in Venice."</p> + +<p>"How I wish the Misses Bingham could hear you," I thought, but one +should never annoy one's parents unnecessarily, so I kept my reflections +to myself.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX.</h2> + + +<p>That last day in Venice we went, I remember, to the Lido. Nothing +happened, but I don't like leaving it out, because it was the last day, +and the next best thing to lingering in Venice is lingering on it. We +went in a steamboat, under protest from poppa, who said it might as well +be Coney Island until we got there, when he admitted points of +difference, and agreed that if people had to come all the way out in +gondolas, certain existing enterprises might as well go out of business. +The steamer was full of Venetians, and we saw that they were charming, +though momma wishes it to be understood that the modern Portia wears her +bodice cut rather too low in the neck and gazes much too softly at the +modern Bassanio. Poppa and I thought it mere amiability that scorned to +conceal itself, but momma referred to it otherwise, admitting, however, +that she found it fascinating to watch.</p> + +<p>We seemed to disembark at a restaurant permanent among flowing waters, +so prominent was this feature of the island, but it had only a roof, and +presently we noticed a little grass and some bushes as well. The verdure +had quite a novel look, and we decided to discourage the casual person +who wished to sell us strange and uncertified shell fish from a basket +for immediate consumption, and follow it up.</p> + +<p>Dicky was of opinion that we might arrive at the vegetable gardens of +Venice, but in this we were disappointed. We came instead to a +street-car, and half a mile of arbour, and all the Venetians pleasurably +preparing to take carriage exercise. The horses seemed to like the idea +of giving it to them, they were quite light-hearted, one of them +actually pawed. They were the only horses in Venice, they felt their +dignity and their responsibility in a way foreign to animals in the +public service, anywhere else in the world. Personally we would have +preferred to walk to the other end of the arbour, but it would have +seemed a slight, and, as the Senator said, we weren't in Venice to hurt +anybody's feelings that belonged there. It would have been extravagant +too, since the steamboat ticket included the drive at the end. So we +struggled anxiously for good places, and proceeded to the other side +with much circumstance, enjoying ourselves as hard as possible. Dicky +said he never had such a good time; but that was because he had +exhausted Venice and his patience, and was going on to Verona next day.</p> + +<p>The arbour and the grass and the street-car track ended sharply and all +together at a raised wooden walk that led across the sand to a pavilion +hanging over the Adriatic, and here we sat and watched other Venetians +disporting themselves in the water below. They were glorious creatures, +and they disported themselves nobly, keeping so well in view of the +pavilion and such a steady eye upon the spectators that poppa had an +impulsive desire to feed them with macaroons. He decided not to; you +never could tell, he said, what might be considered a liberty by +foreigners; but he had a hard struggle with the temptation, the aquatic +accomplishments we saw were so deserving of reward. I had the misfortune +to lose a little pink rose overboard, as it were, and Dicky looked +seriously annoyed when an amphibious young Venetian caught it between +his lips. I don't know why; he was one of the most attractive on view, +but I have often noticed Turkish tendencies in Dicky where his +country-women are concerned. We came away almost immediately after, so +that rose will bloom in my memory, until I forget about it, among +romances that might have been.</p> + +<p>Strolling back, we bought a Venetian secret for a sou or two, a +beautiful little secret, I wonder who first found it out. A picturesque +and fishy smelling person in a soft felt hat sold it to us—a pair of +tiny dainty dried sea-horses, "<i>mère</i>" and "<i>père</i>" he called them. And +there, all in the curving poise of their little heads and the twist of +their little tails, was revealed half the art of Venice, and we saw how +the first glass worker came to be told to make a sea green dragon +climbing over an amber yellow bowl, and where the gondola borrowed its +grace. They moved us to unanimous enthusiasm, and we utterly refused to +let Dicky put one in his button-hole.</p> + +<p>It is looking back upon Venice, too, that I see the paternal figure of +the Senator nourishing the people with octopuses. This may seem +improbable, but it is strictly true. They were small octopuses, not +nearly large enough to kill anybody while they were alive, though boiled +and pickled they looked very deadly. Pink in colour, they stood in a +barrel near the entrance, I remember, of Jesurum's, and attracted the +Senator's inquiring eye. When the guide said they were for human +consumption poppa looked at him suspiciously and offered him one. He ate +it with a promptness and artistic despatch that fascinated us all, +gathering it up by its limp long legs and taking bites out of it, as if +it were an apple. A one-eyed man who hooked pausing gondolas up to the +slippery steps offered to show how it should be done, and other +performers, all skilled, seemed to rise from the stones of the pavement. +Poppa invited them all, by pantomime, to walk up and have an octopus, +and when the crowd began to gather from the side alleys, and the +enthusiasm grew too promiscuous, he bought the barrel outright and +watched the carnival from the middle of the canal. He often speaks of +his enjoyment of the Venetian octopus, eaten in cold blood, without +pepper, salt, or vinegar; and the effect, when I am not there, is +awe-stricken.</p> + +<p>Next morning we took a gondola for the station, and slipped through the +gold and opal silence of the dawn on the canals away from Venice. No +one was up but the sun, who did as he liked with the façades and the +bridges in the water, and made strange lovelinesses in narrow darkling +places, and showed us things in the <i>calli</i> that we did not know were in +the world. The Senator was really depressing until he gradually +lightened his spirits by working out a scheme for a direct line of +steamships between Venice and New York, to be based on an agreement with +the Venetian municipality as to garments of legitimate gaiety for the +gondoliers, the re-nomination of an annual Doge, who should be compelled +to wear his robes whenever he went out of doors, and the yearly +resurrection of the ancient ceremony of marrying Venice to the Adriatic, +during the months of July and August, when the tide of tourist traffic +sets across the Atlantic. "We should get every school ma'am in the +Union, to begin with," said poppa confidently, and by the time we +reached Verona he had floated the company, launched the first ship, +arrived in Venice with full orchestral accompaniment, and dined the +imitation Doge—if he couldn't get Umberto and Crispi—upon clam chowder +and canvas-backs to the solemn strains of Hail Columbia played up and +down the Grand Canal. "If it <i>could</i> be worked," said poppa as we +descended upon the platform, "I'd like to have the Pope telephone us a +blessing on the banquet."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI.</h2> + + +<p>It was the middle of the afternoon, and momma, having spent the morning +among the tombs of the Scaligeri, was lying down. The Scaligeri somehow +had got on her nerves; there were so many of them, and the panoply of +their individual bones was so imposing.</p> + +<p>"Daughter," she had said to me on the way back to the hotel, "if you +point out another thing to me I'll slap you." In that frame of mind it +was always best to let momma lie down. The Senator had letters to write; +I think he wanted to communicate his Venetian steamship idea to a man in +Minneapolis. Dicky had already been round to the Hotel di Londres—we +were at the Colomba—and had found nothing, so when he asked me to come +out for a walk I prepared to be steeped in despondency. An unsuccessful +love affair is a severe test of friendship; but I went.</p> + +<p>It was as I expected. Having secured a spectator to wreak his gloom +upon, Mr. Dod proceeded to make the most of the opportunity. He put his +hat on recklessly, and thrust his hands into his pa—his trouser +pockets. We were in a strange town, but he fastened his eyes moodily +upon the pavement, as if nothing else were worth considering. As we +strolled into the Piazza Bra, I saw him gradually and furtively turn up +his coat-collar, at which I felt obliged to protest.</p> + +<p>"Look here, Dicky," I said, "unrequited affection is, doubtless, very +trying, but you're too much of an advertisement. The Veronese are +beginning to stare at you; their sorcerers will presently follow you +about with their patent philters. Reform your personal appearance, or +here, at the foot of this statue of Victor Emmanuel, I leave you to your +fate."</p> + +<p>Dicky reformed it, but with an air of patience under persecution which I +found hard to bear. "I don't know your authority for calling it +unrequited," he said, with dignity.</p> + +<p>"All right—undelivered," I replied. "That is a noble statue—you can't +contradict the guide-book. By Borghi."</p> + +<p>"Victor Emmanuel, is it? Then it isn't Garibaldi. You don't have to +travel much in Italy to know it's got to be either one or the other. +What they <i>like</i> is to have both," said Mr. Dod, with unnecessary +bitterness. "I'd enjoy something fresh in statues myself." Then, with an +imperfectly-concealed alertness, "There seems to be something going on +over there," he added.</p> + +<p>We could see nothing but an arched door in a high, curving wall, and a +stream of people trickling in. "Probably only one of their eternal Latin +church services," continued Dicky. "It's about the only form of public +entertainment you can depend on in this country. But we might as well +have a look in." He went on to say, as we crossed the dusty road, that +my unsympathetic attitude was enough to drive anybody to the Church of +Rome, even in the middle of the afternoon.</p> + +<p>But we perceived at once that it was not the Church of Rome, or any +other church. There was more than one arched entrance, and a man in +each, to whom people paid a lira apiece for admission, and when we +followed them in we found our feet still upon the ground, and ourselves +among a forest of solid buttresses and props. The number XV. was cut +deep over the door we came in by, and the props had the air of centuries +of patience. A wave of sound seemed to sweep round in a circle inside +and spend itself about us, of faint multitudinous clappings. Conviction +descended upon us suddenly, and as we stumbled after the others we +shared one classic moment of anticipation, hurrying and curious in 1895 +as the Romans hurried and were curious in 110, a little late for the +show in the Arena. They were all there before us, they had taken the +best places, and sat, as we emerged in our astonishment, tier above tier +to the row where the wall stopped and the sky began, intent, +enthusiastic. The wall threw a new moon of shadow on the west, and there +the sun struck down sharply and made splendid the dyes in the women's +clothes, and turned the Italian soldiers' buttons into flaming jewels. +And again, as we stared, the applause went round and up, from the yellow +sand below to the blue sky above, and when we looked bewildered down +into the Arena for the victorious gladiator, and saw a tumbling clown +with a painted face instead, the illusion was only half destroyed. We +climbed and struggled for better places, treading, I fear, in our +absorption on a great many Veronese toes. Dicky said when we got them +that you had to remember that the seats were Roman in order to +appreciate them, they were such very cold stone, and they sloped from +back to front, for the purpose, as we found out afterward from the +guide-book, of letting off the rain water. We were glad to understand +it, but Dicky declared that no explanation would induce him to take a +season ticket for the Arena, it was too destitute of modern +improvements. It was something, though, to sit there watching, with the +ranged multitude, a show in a Roman Amphitheatre—one could imagine +things, lictors and ædiles, senators and centurions. It only required +the substitution of togas and girdled robes for trousers and petticoats, +and a purple awning for the emperor, and a brass-plated body-guard with +long spears and hairy arms and legs, and a few details like that. If one +half closed one's eyes it was hardly necessary to imagine. I was half +closing my eyes, and wondering whether they had Vestal Virgins at this +particular amphitheatre, and trying to remember whether they would turn +their thumbs up or down when they wished the clown to be destroyed, when +Dicky grew suddenly pale and sprang to his feet.</p> + +<p>"I was afraid it might give one a chill," I said, "but it is very +picturesque. I suppose the ancient Romans brought cushions."</p> + +<p>Mr. Dod did not appear to hear me.</p> + +<p>"In the third row below," he exclaimed, blushing joyfully, "the sixth +from this end—do you see? Yellow bun under a floral hat—Isabel!"</p> + +<p>"A yellow bun under a floral hat," I repeated, "that would be Isabel, if +you add a good complexion and a look of deportment. Yes, now I see her. +Mrs. Portheris on one side, Mr. Mafferton on the other. What do you want +to do?"</p> + +<p>"Assassinate Mafferton," said Dicky. "Does it look to you as if he had +been getting there at all."</p> + +<p>"So far as one can see from behind, I should say he has made some +progress, but I don't think, Dicky, that he has arrived. He is +constitutionally slow," I added, "about arriving."</p> + +<p>At that moment the party rose. Without a word we, too, got on our feet +and automatically followed, Dicky treading the reserved seats of the +court of Berengarius as if they had been the back rows of a Bowery +theatre. The classics were wholly obscured for him by a floral hat and a +yellow bun. I, too, abandoned my speculations cheerfully, for I expected +Mrs. Portheris, confronted with Dicky, to be more entertaining than any +gladiator.</p> + +<p>We came up with them at the exit, and that august lady, as we +approached, to our astonishment, greeted us with effusion.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus281"></a><img src="./images/illus281.jpg" alt=""Do you see?"" title=""Do you see?"" /></div> + +<h5>"Do you see?"</h5> + + +<p>"We thought," she declared, "that we had lost you altogether. This is +quite delightful. Now we <i>must</i> reunite!" Dicky was certainly included. +It was extraordinary. "And your dear father and mother," went on Mrs. +Portheris, "I am longing to hear their experiences since we parted. +Where are you? The Colomba? Why what a coincidence! We are there, too! +How small the world is!"</p> + +<p>"Then you have only just arrived," said Mr. Dod to Miss Portheris, who +had turned away her head, and was regarding the distant mountains.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"By the 11.30 p.m.?"</p> + +<p>"No. By the 2.30 p.m."</p> + +<p>"Had you a pleasant journey up from Naples?"</p> + +<p>"It was rather dusty."</p> + +<p>I saw that something quite awful was going on and conversed volubly with +Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton to give Dicky a chance, but in a moment +I, too, felt a refrigerating influence proceeding from the floral hat +and the bun for which I could not account.</p> + +<p>"Where have you been?" inquired Dicky, "if I may ask."</p> + +<p>"At Vallombrosa."</p> + +<p>There was also a parasol and it twisted indifferently.</p> + +<p>"Ah—among the leaves! And were they as thick as William says they are?"</p> + +<p>"I don't understand you." And, indeed, this levity assorted +incomprehensively with the black despair that sat on Dicky's +countenance. It was really very painful in spite of Mrs. Portheris's +unusual humanity and Mr. Mafferton's obvious though embarrassed joy, and +as Mrs. Portheris's cab drove up at the moment I made a tentative +attempt to bring the interview to a close. "Mr. Dod and I are walking," +I said.</p> + +<p>"Ah, these little strolls!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris, with benignant +humour. "I suppose we must condone them now!" and she waved her hand, +rolling away, as if she gave us a British matron's blessing.</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't!" I cried. "Don't condone them—you mustn't!" But my words +fell short in a cloud of dust, and even Dicky, wrapped in his tragedy, +failed to receive an impression from them.</p> + +<p>"How," he demanded passionately, "do you account for it?"</p> + +<p>"Account for what?" I shuffled.</p> + +<p>"The size of her head—the frost—the whole bally conversation!" +propounded Dicky, with tears in his eyes.</p> + +<p>I have really a great deal of feeling, and I did not rebuke these terms. +Besides, I could see only one way out of it, and I was occupied with the +best terms in which to present it to Dicky. So I said I didn't know, and +reflected.</p> + +<p>"She isn't the same girl!" he groaned.</p> + +<p>"Men are always talking in the funny columns of the newspapers," I +remarked absently, "about how much better they can throw a stone and +sharpen a pencil than we can."</p> + +<p>Mr. Dod looked injured. "Oh, well," he said, "if you prefer to talk +about something else——"</p> + +<p>"But they can't see into a sentimental situation any further than into a +board fence," I continued serenely. "My dear Dick, Isabel thinks you're +engaged. So does her mamma. So does Mr. Mafferton."</p> + +<p>"Who to?" exclaimed Mr. Dod, in ungrammatical amazement.</p> + +<p>"I looked at him reproachfully. Don't be such an owl!" I said.</p> + +<p>Light streamed in upon Dicky's mind. "To you!" he exclaimed. "Great +Scott!"</p> + +<p>"Preposterous, isn't it?" I said.</p> + +<p>"I should ejaculate! Well, no, I mean—I shouldn't ejaculate, but—oh, +you know what I mean——"</p> + +<p>"I do," I said. "Don't apologise."</p> + +<p>"What in my aunt's wardrobe do they think that for?"</p> + +<p>"You left their party and joined ours rather abruptly at Pompeii," I +said.</p> + +<p>"Had to!"</p> + +<p>"Isabel didn't know you had to. If she tried to find out, I fancy she +was told little girls shouldn't ask questions. It was Lot's wife who +really came between you, but Isabel wouldn't have been jealous of Lot's +wife."</p> + +<p>"I suppose not," said Dicky doubtfully.</p> + +<p>"Do you remember meeting the Misses Bingham in the Ufizzi? and telling +them you were going to be——"</p> + +<p>"That's so."</p> + +<p>"You didn't give them enough details. And they told me they were going +to Vallombrosa. And when Miss Cora said good-bye to me she told me you +were a dear or something."</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you say I wasn't?"</p> + +<p>"Dicky, if you are going to assume that it was my fault——"</p> + +<p>"Only one decent hotel—hardly anybody in it—foregathered with old lady +Portheris—told every mortal thing they knew! Oh," groaned Dicky. "Why +was an old maid ever born!"</p> + +<p>"She never was," I couldn't help saying, but I might as well not have +said it. Dicky was rapidly formulating his plan of action.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell her straight out, after dinner," he concluded, "and her +mother, too, if I get a chance."</p> + +<p>"Do you know what will happen?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"You never know what will happen," replied Dicky, blushing.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. and Miss Portheris and Mr. Mafferton will leave the Hotel Colomba +for parts unknown, by the earliest train to-morrow morning."</p> + +<p>"But Mrs. Portheris declares that we're to be a happy family for the +rest of the trip."</p> + +<p>"Under the impression that you are disposed of, an impression that +<i>might</i> be allowed to——"</p> + +<p>"My heart," said Dicky impulsively, "may be otherwise engaged, but my +alleged mind is yours for ever. Mamie, you have a great head."</p> + +<p>"Thanks," I said. "I would certainly tell the truth to Isabel, as a +secret, but——"</p> + +<p>"Mamie, we cut our teeth on the same——"</p> + +<p>"Horrid of you to refer to it."</p> + +<p>"It's such a tremendous favour!"</p> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>"But since you're in it, you know, already—and it's so very +temporary—and I'll be as good as gold——"</p> + +<p>"You'd better!" I exclaimed. And so it was settled that the fiction of +Dicky's and my engagement should be permitted to continue to any extent +that seemed necessary until Mr. Dod should be able to persuade Miss +Portheris to fly with him across the Channel and be married at a Dover +registry office. We arranged everything with great precision, and, if +necessary, I was to fly too, to make it a little more proper. We were +both somewhat doubtful about the necessity of a bridesmaid in a registry +office, but we agreed that such a thing would go a long way towards +persuading Isabel to enter it.</p> + +<p>When we arrived at the hotel we found Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton +affectionately having tea with my parents. Isabel had gone to bed with a +headache, but Dicky, notwithstanding, displayed the most unfeeling +spirits. He drove us all finally to see the tomb of Juliet in the Vicolo +Franceschini, and it was before that uninspiring stone trough full of +visiting cards, behind a bowling green of suburban patronage, that I +heard him, on general grounds of expediency, make contrite advances to +Mrs. Portheris.</p> + +<p>"I think I ought to tell you," he said, "that my views have undergone a +change since I saw you."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Portheris fixed her <i>pince nez</i> upon him in suspicious inquiry.</p> + +<p>"I can even swallow the whale now," he faltered, "like Jonah."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII.</h2> + + +<p>After two days of the most humid civility Mrs. Portheris had brought +momma round. It was not an easy process, momma had such a way of fanning +herself and regarding distant objects; and Dicky and I observed its +difficulties with great satisfaction, for a family matter would be the +last thing anybody would venture to discuss with momma under such +circumstances, and we very much preferred that Mrs. Portheris's +overflowing congratulations should be chilled off as long as possible. +Dicky was for taking my parents into our confidence as a measure of +preparation, but with poppa's commands upon me with regard to Arthur, I +felt a delicacy as to the subject of engagements generally. Besides, one +never can tell whether one's poppa and momma would back one up in a +thing like that.</p> + +<p>I never could quite understand Mrs. Portheris's increasingly good +opinion of us at this point. The Senator declared that it was because +some American shares of hers had gone up in the market, but that struck +momma and me as somewhat too general in its application. I preferred to +attribute it to the Senator's Tariff Bill. Mr. Mafferton brought us the +<i>Times</i> one evening in Verona, and pointed out with solemn +congratulation that the name of J.P. Wick was mentioned four times in +the course of its leading article. That journal even said in effect +that, if it were not for the faithfully sustained anti-humorous +character which had established it for so many generations in the +approbation of the British public, it would go so far as to call the +contemplated measure "Wicked legislation." Mr. Mafferton could not +understand why poppa had no desire to cut out the article. He said there +was something so interesting about seeing one's name in print—he always +did it. I was very curious to see instances of Mr. Mafferton's name in +print, and finally induced him to show them to me. They were mainly +advertisements for lost dogs—"Apply to the Hon. Charles Mafferton," and +the reward was very considerable.</p> + +<p>But this has nothing to do with the way the plot thickened on the Lake +of Como. I was watching Bellagio slip past among the trees on the left +shore and wondering whether we could hear the nightingales if it were +not for the steamer's engines—which was particularly unlikely as it was +the middle of the afternoon—and thinking about the trifles that would +sometimes divide lives plainly intended to mingle. Mere enunciation, for +example, was a thing one could so soon become reaccustomed to; already +momma had ceased to congratulate me on my broad a's, and I could not +help the inference that my conversation was again unobtrusively +Chicagoan. It was frustrating, too, that I had no way of finding out +how much poppa knew, and extremely irritating to think that he knew +anything. He was sitting near me as I mused, immersed in the American +mail, while momma and his Aunt Caroline insensibly glided towards +intimacy again on two wicker chairs close by. Mr. Mafferton was counting +the luggage somewhere; he was never happy on a steamer until he had done +that; and Isabel was being fervently apologised to by Dicky on the other +side of the deck. I hoped she was taking it in the proper spirit. I had +the terms all ready in which <i>I</i> should accept an apology, if it were +ever offered to me.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus292"></a><img src="./images/illus292.jpg" alt="Fervent apologies." title="Fervent apologies." /></div> + +<h5>Fervent apologies.</h5> + + +<p>"Now, I must not put off any longer telling you how delighted I am at +your dear Mamie's re-engagement."</p> + +<p>The statement reached us all, though it was intended for momma only. +Even Mrs. Portheris's more amiable accents had a quality which +penetrated far, with a suggestion of whiskers. I looked again languidly +at Bellagio, but not until I had observed a rapid glance between my +parents, recommending each other not to be taken by surprise.</p> + +<p>"Has she confided in you?" inquired momma.</p> + +<p>"No—no. I heard it in a roundabout way. You must be very pleased, dear +Augusta. Such an advantage that they have known each other all their +lives!"</p> + +<p>Poppa looked guardedly round at me, but by this time I was asleep in my +camp chair, the air was so balmily cool after our hot rattle to Como.</p> + +<p>"How <i>did</i> you hear?" he demanded, coming straight to the point, while +momma struggled after tentative uncertainties.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a little bird, a little bird—who had it from them both! And much +better, I said when I heard it, that she should marry one of her own +country-people. American girls nowadays will so often be content with +nothing less than an Englishman!"</p> + +<p>"So far as that goes," said the Senator crisply, "we never buy anything +we haven't a use for, simply because it's cheap. But I don't mind +telling you that my daughter's re-engagement, on the old American lines, +is a thing I've been wanting to happen for some time."</p> + +<p>"And there are some really excellent points about Mr. Dod. We must +remember that he is still very young. He has plenty of time to repair +his fortunes. Of one thing we may be sure," continued Mrs. Portheris +magnanimously, "he will make her a very <i>kind</i> husband."</p> + +<p>At this I opened my eyes inadvertently—nobody could help it—and saw +the barometrical change in poppa's countenance. It went down twenty +degrees with a run, and wore all the disgust of an hon. gentleman who +has jumped to conclusions and found nothing to stand on.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you're away off there, Aunt Caroline," he said with some annoyance. +"Better sell your little bird and buy a telephone. Richard Dod is no +more engaged to our daughter than the man in the moon."</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say not!" exclaimed momma.</p> + +<p>"I have it on the <i>best</i> authority," insisted Mrs. Portheris blandly. +"You American parents are so seldom consulted in these matters. Perhaps +the young people have not told you."</p> + +<p>This was a nasty one for both the family and the Republic, and I heard +the Senator's rejoinder with satisfaction.</p> + +<p>"We don't consider, in the United States, that we're the natural bullies +of our children because we happen to be a little older than they are," +he said, "but for all that we're not in the habit of hearing much news +about them from outsiders. I'll have to get you to promise not to go +spreading such nonsense around, Aunt Caroline."</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course, if you say so, but I should be better satisfied if she +denied it herself," said Mrs. Portheris with suavity. "My information +was so very exact."</p> + +<p>I had slumbered again, but it did not avail me. I heard the American +mail dispersing itself about the deck in all directions as the Senator +rose, strode towards my chair, and shook me much more vigorously than +there was any necessity for.</p> + +<p>"Here's Aunt Caroline," he said, "wanting us to believe that you and +Dicky Dod are engaged—you two that have quarrelled as naturally as +brother and sister ever since you were born. I guess you can tell her +whether it's very likely!"</p> + +<p>I yawned, to gain time, but the widest yawn will not cover more than two +seconds.</p> + +<p>"What an extraordinary question!" I said. It sounds weak, but that was +the way one felt.</p> + +<p>"Don't prevaricate, Mamie, love," said Mrs. Portheris sternly.</p> + +<p>"I'm not—I don't. But n-nothing of the kind is announced, is it?" I was +growing nervous under the Senatorial eye.</p> + +<p>"Nothing of the kind <i>exists</i>," said poppa, the Doge all over, except +his umbrella. "Does it?"</p> + +<p>"Why no," I said. "Dicky and I aren't engaged. But we have an +understanding."</p> + +<p>I was extremely sorry. Mrs. Portheris was so triumphant, and poppa +allowed his irritation to get so much the better of him.</p> + +<p>"Oh," he said, "you've got an understanding! Well, you've been too +intelligent, darned if you haven't!" The Senator pulled his beard in his +most uncompromising manner. "Now you can understand something more. I'm +not going to have it. You haven't got my consent and you're not going to +get it."</p> + +<p>"But, my dear nephew, the match is so suitable in every respect! Surely +you would not stand in the way of a daughter's happiness when both +character and position—position in Chicago, of course, but still—are +assured!"</p> + +<p>Poppa paused, uncertain for an instant whether to turn his wrath upon +his aunt, and that, of course, was my opportunity to plead with my angry +parent. But the knowledge that the hopes which poppa was reducing to +dust and ashes were fervently fixed on a floral hat and a yellow bun +over which he had no control, on the other side of the ship, overcame +me, and I looked at Bellagio to hide my emotions instead, in a way which +they might interpret as obstinate, if they liked.</p> + +<p>"Aunt Caroline," said the Senator firmly, "I'll thank you to keep your +spoon out of the preserves. My daughter knows where I have given her +hand, and that's the direction she's going with her feet. Mary, I may as +well inform you that the details of your wedding are being arranged in +Chicago this minute. It will take place within three weeks of our +arrival, and it won't be any slump. But Richard Dod might as well be +told right now that he won't be in it, unless in the capacity of usher. +As I don't contemplate breaking up this party and making things +disagreeable all round, you'll have to tell him yourself. We sail from +Liverpool"—poppa looked at his watch—"precisely one week and four +hours from now, and if Mr. Dod has not agreed to the conditions I +mention by that time we will leave him upon the shore. That's all I have +to say, and between now and then I don't expect you or anybody else to +have the nerve to mention the matter to me again."</p> + +<p>After that it was impossible to wink at poppa, or in any way to give him +the assurance that my regard for him was unimpaired. There are things +that can't be passed over with a smile in one's poppa without doing him +harm, and this was one of them. It was a regular manifesto, and I felt +exactly like Lord Salisbury. I couldn't take him seriously, and yet I +had to tell him to come on, if he wanted to, and devote his spare time +to learning the language of diplomacy. So I merely bowed with what +magnificence I could command and filed it, so to speak; and walked to +the other side of the deck, leaving poppa to his conscience and momma +and his Aunt Caroline. I left him with confidence, not knowing which +would give him the worst time. Mrs. Portheris began it, before I was out +of earshot. "For an American parent," she said blandly, "it strikes me, +Joshua, that you are a little severe."</p> + +<p>I found Mr. Mafferton interfering, as I expected, with Dicky and Isabel +in their appreciation of the west shore. He was pointing out the Villa +Carlotta at Caddenabbia, and explaining the beauties of the sculptures +there and dwelling on the tone of blue in the immediate Alps and +reminding them that the elder Pliny once picked wild flowers on these +banks, and generally making himself the intelligent nuisance that nature +intended him to be. In spite of it Isabel was radiant. She said a number +of things with the greatest ease; one saw that language, after all, was +not difficult to her, she only wanted practice and an untroubled mind. I +looked at Dicky and saw that a weight had been removed from his, and it +was impossible to avoid the conclusion that peace and satisfaction in +this life would date for these two, if all went well for the next few +days, from the Lake of Como. But all could not be relied upon to go well +so long as Mr. Mafferton hovered, quoting Claudian on the mulberry tree, +upon the brink of a proposal, so I took him away to translate his +quotation for me in the stern, which naturally suggested the past and +its emotions. We could now refer quite sympathetically to the altogether +irretrievable and gone by, and Mr. Mafferton was able to mention Lady +Torquilan without any trace of his air that she was a person, poor dear, +that brought embarrassment with her. Indeed, I sometimes thought he +dragged her in. I asked him, in appropriate phrases, of course, whether +he had decided to accept Mrs. Portheris's daughter, and he fixed +mournful eyes upon me and said he thought he had, almost. The news of my +engagement to Mr. Dod had apparently done much to bring him to a +conclusion; he said it pointed so definitely to the unlikelihood of his +ever being able to find a more stimulating companion than Miss +Portheris, with all her charms, was likely to prove. It was difficult, +of course, to see the connection, but I could not help confiding to Mr. +Mafferton, as a secret, that there was hardly any chance of my union +with Dicky—after what poppa had said. When I assured him that I had no +intention whatever of disobeying my parent in a matter of which he was +so much better qualified to be a judge than I, it was impossible not to +see Mr. Mafferton's good opinion of me rising in his face. He said he +could not help sympathising with the paternal view, but that was all he +<i>would</i> say; he refrained magnificently from abusing Dicky. And we +parted mutually more deeply convinced than ever of the undesirability of +doing anything rash in the all important direction we had been +discussing.</p> + +<p>As we disembarked at Colico to take the train for Chiavenna, Mrs. +Portheris, after seeing that Mr. Mafferton was collecting the +portmanteaux, gave me a word of comfort and of admonition. "Take my +advice, my child," she said, "and be faithful to poor dear Richard. Your +father must, in the end, give way. I shall keep at him in your +interests. When you left us this afternoon," continued the lady +mysteriously, "he immediately took out his fountain pen and wrote a +letter. It was directed—I saw that much—to a Mr. Arthur Page. Is he +the creature who is to be forced upon you, my child?" Mrs. Portheris in +the sentimental view was really affecting.</p> + +<p>"I think it very likely," I said calmly, "but I have promised to be +faithful to Richard, Mrs. Portheris, and I will."</p> + +<p>But I really felt a little nervous.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII.</h2> + + +<p>The instant we saw the diligence momma declared that if she had to sit +anywhere but in the middle of it she would remain in Chiavenna until +next day. Mrs. Portheris was of the same mind. She said that even the +<i>intérieur</i> would be dangerous enough going down hill, but if the +Senator would sit there too she would try not to be nervous. The <i>coupé</i> +was terrifying—one saw everything the poor dear horses did—and as to +the <i>banquette</i> she could imagine herself flying out of it, if we so +much as went over a stone. As a party we were strangers to the +diligence; we had all the curiosity and hesitation about it, as Dicky +remarked, of the animals when Noah introduced them to the Ark. I asked +Dicky to describe the diligence for the purpose of this volume, thinking +that it might, here and there, have a reader who had never seen one, and +he said that, as soon as he had made up his mind whether it was most +like a triumphal chariot in a circus procession or a boudoir car in an +ambulance, he would; but then his eyes wandered to Isabel, who was +pinker than ever in the mountain air, and his reasoning faculties left +him. A small German with a very red nose, most incoherent in his +apparel—he might have been a Baron or again a hair-dresser—already +occupied one of the seats in the <i>intérieur</i>, so after our elders had +been safely deposited beside him the <i>banquette</i> and the <i>coupé</i> were +left, as Mrs. Portheris said, to the adventurous young people. Dicky and +I had conspired, for the sustained effect on Mrs. Portheris, to sit in +the <i>banquette</i>, while Isabel was to suffer Mr. Mafferton in the +<i>coupé</i>—an arrangement which her mother viewed with entire complacency. +"After all," said Mrs. Portheris to momma, "we're not in Hyde Park—and +young people will be young people." We had not counted, however, with +the Senator, who suddenly realised, as Dicky was handing me up, that it +was his business, in the capacity of Doge, to interfere. It is to his +credit that he found it embarrassing, on account of his natural, almost +paternal, dislike to make things unpleasant for Dicky. He assumed a +sternly impenetrable expression, thought about it for a moment, and then +approached Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"I'd be obliged to you," he said, "if you could arrange, without putting +yourself out any, to change places with young Dod, there, as far as St. +Moritz. I have my reasons—but not necessarily for publication. See?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton's eye glistened with appreciation of the confidence +reposed in him. "I shall be most happy," he said, "if Dod doesn't mind." +But Dicky, with indecent haste, was already in the <i>coupé</i>. "Don't +mention it, Mafferton," he said out of the window. "I'm delighted—at +least—whatever the Senator says has got to be done, of course," and he +made an attempt to look hurt that would not have imposed upon anybody +but a self-constituted Doge with a guilty conscience. I took my +bereavement in stony calm, with possibly just a suggestion about my +eyebrows and under-lip that some day, on the far free shores of Lake +Michigan, a downtrodden daughter would re-assert herself; poppa +re-entered an <i>intérieur</i> darkened by a thunder-cloud on the brow of his +Aunt Caroline; and we started.</p> + +<p>It was some time before Mr. Mafferton interfered in the least with the +Engadine. He seemed wrapped in a cloud of vain imaginings, sprung, +obviously, from poppa's ill-considered request. I understood his +emotions and carefully respected his silence. I was unwilling to be +instructed about the Engadine either botanically or geologically—it was +more agreeable not to know the names of the lovely little foreign +flowers, and quite pleasant enough that every turn in the road showed us +a white mountain or a purple one without having to understand what it +was made of. Besides, I particularly did not wish to precipitate +anything, and there are moments when a mere remark about the weather +will do it. I had been suffering a good deal from my conscience since +Mrs. Portheris had told me that poppa had written to Arthur—I didn't +mind him enduring unnumbered pangs of hope deferred, but it was quite +another thing that he should undergo the unnecessary martyrdom of +imagining that he had been superseded by Dicky Dod. On reflection, I +thought it would be safer to start Mr. Mafferton on the usual lines, and +I nerved myself to ask him whether he could tell me anything about the +prehistoric appearance of these lovely mountains.</p> + +<p>"I am glad," he responded absently, "that you admire my favourite Alps." +Nothing more. I tried to prick him to the consideration of the scenery +by asking him which were his favourite Alps, but this also came to +nothing. Having acknowledged his approval of the Alps, he seemed willing +to let them go unadorned by either fact or fancy. I offered him +sandwiches, but he seemed to prefer his moustache. Presently he roused +himself.</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid you must think me very uninteresting, Miss Wick," he said.</p> + +<p>"Dear me, no," I replied. "On the contrary, I think you are a lovely +type."</p> + +<p>"Type of an Englishman?" Mr. Mafferton was not displeased.</p> + +<p>"Type of some Englishmen. You would not care to represent the—ah, +commercial classes?"</p> + +<p>"If I had been born in that station," replied Mr. Mafferton modestly, "I +should be very glad to represent them. But I should <i>not</i> care to be a +Labour candidate."</p> + +<p>"It wouldn't be very appropriate, would it?" I suggested. "But do you +ever mean to run for anything, really?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not," Mr. Mafferton replied, with slight resentment. "In our +family we never run. But, of course, I will succeed my uncle in the +Upper House."</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "So you will! I should think it would be simply +lovely to be born a legislator. In our country it is attained by such +painful degrees." It flashed upon me in a moment why Mr. Mafferton was +so industrious in collecting general information. He was storing it up +against the day when he would be able to make speeches, which nobody +could interrupt, in the House of Lords.</p> + +<p>The conversation flagged again, and I was driven to comment upon the +appearance of the little German down in the <i>intérieur.</i> It was quite +remarkable, apart from the bloom on his nose, his pale-blue eyes +wandered so irresponsibly in their sockets, and his scanty, flaxen beard +made such an unsuccessful effort to disguise the amiability of his chin. +He wore a braided cotton coat to keep cool, and a woollen comforter to +keep warm, and from time to time he smilingly invited the attention of +the other three to vast green maps of the country, which I could see him +apologising for spreading over Mrs. Portheris's capacious lap. It was +interesting to watch his joyous sense of being in foreign society, and +his determination to be agreeable even if he had to talk all the time. +Now and then a sentence bubbled up over the noise of the wheels, as when +he had the happiness to discover the nationalities of his +fellow-travellers.</p> + +<p>"Ach, is it so? From England, from America also, and I from Markadorf +am! Four peoples, to see zis so beautiful Switzerland from everyveres in +one carriage we are come!" He smiled at them one after another in the +innocent joy of this wonderful fact, and it made me quite unhappy to see +how unresponsive they had grown.</p> + +<p>"In America I haf one uncle got——"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't know him," said the Senator, who was extremely tired of +being expected to keep up with society in Castle Garden.</p> + +<p>"But before I vas born going, mein uncle I myself haf never seen! To +Chicago mit nossings he went, und now letters ve are always getting it +is goot saying."</p> + +<p>"Made money, has he?" poppa inquired, with indifference.</p> + +<p>"Mit some small flours of large manufacture selling. Dose small +flours—ze name forgotten I haf—ze breads making, ze cakes making, ze +mädschen——"</p> + +<p>"Baking powder!" divined momma.</p> + +<p>"Bakings—powder! In America it is moch eat. So mine uncle Blittens——"</p> + +<p>"Josef Blittens?" exclaimed poppa.</p> + +<p>"Blittens und Josef also! The name of mine uncle to you is known! He is +so rich, mit carriage, piano, large family—he is now famous also, hein? +My goot uncle!"</p> + +<p>"He's been my foreman for fifteen years," said poppa, "and I don't care +where he came from; he's as good an American now as there is in the +Union. I am pleased to make the acquaintance of any member of his +family. There's nothing in the way of refreshments to be got till we +next change horses, but as soon as that happens, sir, I hope you will +take something."</p> + +<p>After that we began to rattle down the other side of the Julier and I +lost the thread of the conversation, but I saw that Herr Blittens' +determination to practise English was completely swamped in the +Senator's desire to persuade him of the advantages of emigration.</p> + +<p>"I never see a foreigner in his native land," said Mr. Mafferton, +regarding this one with disapproval, "without thinking what a pity it is +that any portion of the earth, so desirable for instance as this is, +should belong to him." Which led me to suggest that when he entered +political life in <i>his</i> native land Mr. Mafferton should aim at the +Cabinet, he was obviously so well qualified to sustain British +traditions.</p> + +<p>My companion's mind seemed to be so completely diverted by this prospect +that I breathed again. He could be depended upon I knew, never to think +seriously of me when there was an opportunity of thinking seriously of +himself, and in that certainty I relaxed my efforts to make it quite +impossible that anything should happen. I forgot the contingencies of +the situation in finding whiter glaciers and deeper gorges, and looking +for the Bergamesque sheep and their shepherds which Baedeker assured us +were to be seen pasturing on the slopes and heights of the Julier +wearing long curling locks, mantles of brown wool, and peaked Calabrian +hats. We grew quite frivolous over this phenomenon, which did not +appear, and it was only after some time that we observed the Baedeker to +be of 1877, and decided that the home of truth was not in old editions. +It seemed to me afterwards that Mr. Mafferton had been waiting for his +opportunity; he certainly took advantage of a very insufficient one.</p> + +<p>"It's exactly," said I, talking of the compartments of the diligence, +"as if Isabel and Dicky had the first floor front, momma and poppa the +dining room, and you and I the second floor back."</p> + +<p>It was one of those things that one lives to repent if one survives them +five seconds; but my remorse was immediately swallowed up in +consequences. I do not propose to go into the details of Mr. Mafferton's +second attempt upon my insignificant hand—to be precise, I wear fives +and a quarter—but he began by saying that he thought we could do better +than that, meaning the second floor back, and he mentioned Park Lane. He +also said that ever since Dicky, doubtless before his affections had +become involved, had told him that there was a possibility of my +changing my mind—I was nearly false to Dicky at this point—he had been +giving the matter his best consideration, and he had finally decided +that it was only fair that I should have an opportunity of doing so. +These were not his exact words, but I can be quite sure of my +impression. We were trotting past the lake at Maloja when this came upon +me, and when I reflected that I owed it about equally to poppa and to +Dicky Dod I felt that I could have personally chastised them—could have +slapped them—both. What I longed to do with Mr. Mafferton was to hurl +him, figuratively speaking, down an abyss, but that would have been to +send him into Mrs. Portheris's beckoning arms next morning, and I had +little faith in any floral hat and pink bun once its mamma's commands +were laid upon it. I thought of my cradle companion—not tenderly, I +confess—and told Mr. Mafferton that I didn't know what I had done to +deserve such an honour a second time, and asked him if he had properly +considered the effect on Isabel. I added that I fancied Dicky was +generalising about American girls changing their minds, but I would try +and see if I had changed mine and would let him know in six days, at +Harwich. Any decision made on this side of the Channel might so easily +be upset. And this I did knowing quite well that Dicky and Isabel and I +were all to elope from Boulogne, Dicky and Isabel for frivolity and I +for propriety; for this had been arranged. In writing a description of +our English tour I do not wish to exculpate myself in any particular.</p> + +<p>We arrived late at St. Moritz, and the little German, on a very +fraternal footing, was still talking as the party descended from the +<i>intérieur</i>. He spoke of the butterflies the day before in Pontresina, +and he laughed with delight as he recounted.</p> + +<p>"Vorty maybe der vas, vifty der vas, mit der diligence vlying along; und +der brittiest of all I catch; he <i>vill</i> come at my nose"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV.</h2> + + +<p>Leaving out the scenery—the Senator declares that nothing +spoils a book of travels like scenery—the impressions of St. Moritz +which remain with me have something of the quality, for me, of the +illustrations in a French novel. I like to consult them; they are so +crisp and daintily defined and isolated and individual. Yet I can only +write about an upper class German mamma eating brodchen and honey with +three fair square daughters, young, younger, youngest, and not a flaxen +hair mislaid among them, and the intelligent accuracy with which they +looked out of the window and said that it was a horse, the horse was +lame, and it was a pity to drive a lame horse. Or about the two American +ladies from the south, creeping, wrapped up in sealskins, along the +still white road from the Hof to the Bad, and saying one to the other, +"Isn't it nice to feel the sun on yo' back?" Or about the curio shops on +the ridge where the politest little Frenchwomen endeavour to persuade +you that you have come to the very top of the Engadine for the purpose +of buying Japanese candlesticks and Italian scarves to carry down again. +It was all so clear and sharp and still at St. Moritz; everything drew +a double significance from its height and its loneliness. But, as poppa +says, a great deal of trouble would be saved if people who feel that +they can't describe things would be willing to consider the alternative +of leaving them alone; and I will only dwell on St. Moritz long enough +to say that it nearly shattered one of Mr. Mafferton's most cherished +principles. Never in his life before, he said, had he felt inclined to +take warm water in his bath in the morning. He made a note of the +temperature of his tub to send to the <i>Times.</i> "You never can tell," he +said, "the effect these little things may have." I was beginning to be +accustomed to the effect they had on me.</p> + +<p>Before we got to Coire the cool rushing night had come and the glaciers +had blotted themselves out. I find a mere note against Coire to the +effect that it often rains when you arrive there, and also that it is a +place in which you may count on sleeping particularly sound if you come +by diligence; but there is no reason why I should not mention that it +was under the sway of the Dukes of Swabia until 1268, as momma wishes me +to do so. We took the train there for Constance, and between Coire and +Constance, on the Bodensee, occurred Rorshach and Romanshorn; but we +didn't get out, and, as momma says, there was nothing in the least +individual about their railway stations. We went on that Bodensee, +however, I remember with animosity, taking a small steamer at Constance +for Neuhausen. It was a gray and sulky Bodensee, full of little dull +waves and a cold head wind that never changed its mind for a moment. +Isabel and I huddled together for comfort on the very hard wooden seat +that ran round the deck, and the depth of our misery may be gathered +from the fact that, when the wind caught Isabel's floral hat under the +brim and cast it suddenly into that body of water, neither of us looked +round! Mrs. Portheris was very much annoyed at our unhappy indifference. +She implied that it was precisely to enable Isabel to stop a steamer on +the Bodensee in an emergency of this sort that she had had her taught +German. Dicky told me privately that if it had happened a week before he +would have gone overboard in pursuit, for the sake of business, without +hesitation, but, under the present happy circumstances, he preferred the +prospect of buying a new hat. Nothing else actually transpired during +the afternoon, though there were times when other events seemed as +precipitant, to most of us, as upon the tossing Atlantic, and we made +port without having realised anything about the Bodensee, except that we +would rather not be on it.</p> + +<p>Neuhausen was the port, but Schaffhausen was of course the place, two or +three dusty miles along a river the identity of which revealed itself to +Mrs. Portheris through the hotel omnibus windows as an inspiration. "Do +we all fully understand," she demanded, "that we are looking upon the +Rhine?" And we endeavoured to do so, though the Senator said that if it +were not so intimately connected with the lake we had just been +delivered from he would have felt more cordial about it. I should like +to have it understood that relations were hardly what might be called +strained at this time between the Senator and myself. There were +subjects which we avoided, and we had enough regard for our dignity, +respectively, not to drop into personalities whatever we did, but we had +a <i>modus vivendi</i>, we got along. Dicky maintained a noble and pained +reserve, giving poppa hours of thought, out of which he emerged with the +almost visible reflection that a Wick never changed his mind.</p> + +<p>There was a garden with funny little flowers in it which went out of +fashion in America about twenty years ago. There was also a <i>châlet</i> in +the garden, where we saw at once that we could buy cuckoo clocks and +edelweiss and German lace if we wanted to. There was a big hotel full of +people speaking strange languages—by this time we all sympathised with +Mr. Mafferton in his resentment of foreigners in Continental hotels; as +he said, one expected them to do their travelling in England. There were +the "Laufen" foaming down the valley under the dining room windows, +there were the Swiss waitresses in short petticoats and velvet bodices +and white chemisettes, and at the dinner table, sitting precisely +opposite, there were the Malts. Mr. Malt, Mrs. Malt, Emmeline Malt, and +Miss Callis, not one of them missing. The Malts whom we had left at +Rome, left in the same hotel with Count Filgiatti, and to some purpose +apparently, for seated attentively next to Mrs. Malt there also was +that diminutive nobleman.</p> + +<p>As a family we saw at a glance that America was not likely to be the +poorer by one Count in spite of the way we had behaved to him. Miss +Callis, with four thousand dollars a year of her own, was going to offer +them up to sustain the traditions of her country. A Count, if she could +help it, should not go a-begging more than twice. Further impressions +were lost in the shock of greeting, but it recurred to me instantly to +wonder whether Miss Callis had really gone into the question of keeping +a Count on that income, whether she would be able to give him all the +luxuries he had been brought up in anticipation of. It was interesting +to observe the slight embarrassment with which Count Filgiatti +re-encountered his earlier American vision, and his re-assurance when I +gave him the bow of the most travelling of acquaintances. Nothing was +further from my thoughts than interfering. When I considered the number +of engagements upon my hands already, it made me quite faint to +contemplate even an <i>arrangimento</i> in addition to them.</p> + +<p>We told the Malts where we had been and they told us where they had been +as well as we could across the table without seeming too confidential, +and after dinner Emmeline led the way to the enclosed verandah which +commanded the Falls. "Come along, ladies and gentlemen," said Emmeline, +"and see the great big old Schaffhausen Fraud. Performance begins at +nine o'clock exactly, and no reserve seats, so unless you want to get +left, Mrs. Portheris, you'd better put a hustle on."</p> + +<p>Miss Malt had gone through several processes of annihilation at Mrs. +Portheris's hands, and had always come out of them so much livelier than +ever, that our Aunt Caroline had abandoned her to America some time +previously.</p> + +<p>"Emmeline!" exclaimed Mrs. Malt, "you are <i>too</i> personal."</p> + +<p>"She ought to be sent to the children's table," Mrs. Portheris remarked +severely.</p> + +<p>"Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Portheris. I don't like milk puddings—they +give you a double chin. I expect you've eaten a lot of 'em in your time, +haven't you, Mis' Portheris? Now, Mr. Mafferton, you sit here, and you, +Mis' Wick, you sit <i>here</i>. That's right, Mr. Wick, you hold up the wall. +I ain't proud, I'll sit on the floor—there now, we're every one fixed. +No, Mr. Dod, none of us ladies object to smoking—Mis' Portheris smokes +herself, don't you, Mis' Portheris?"</p> + +<p>"Emmeline, if you pass another remark to bed you go!" exclaimed her +mother with unction.</p> + +<p>"I was fourteen the day before yesterday, and you don't send people of +fourteen to bed. I got a town lot for a birthday present. Oh, there's +the French gentleman! <i>Bon soir, Monsieur! Comment va-t-il! Attendez!</i>" +and we were suddenly bereft of Emmeline.</p> + +<p>"She's gone to play poker with that man from Marseilles," remarked Mrs. +Malt. "Really, husband, I don't know——"</p> + +<p>"You able to put a limit on the game?" asked poppa.</p> + +<p>Everybody laughed, and Mr. Malt said that it wasn't possible for +Emmeline to play for money because she never could keep as much as five +francs in her possession, but if she <i>did</i> he'd think it necessary to +warn the man from Marseilles that Miss Malt knew the game.</p> + +<p>"And she's perfectly right," continued her father, "in describing this +illumination business as a fraud. I don't say it isn't pretty enough, +but it's a fraud this way, they don't give you any choice about paying +your money for it. Now we didn't start boarding at this hotel, we went +to the one down there on the other side of the river. We were very much +fatigued when we arrived, and every member of our party went straight to +bed. Next day—I always call for my bills daily—what do I find in my +account but '<i>Illumination de la chute de la Rhin</i>' one franc apiece."</p> + +<p>"And you hadn't ordered anything of the kind," said poppa.</p> + +<p>"Ordered it? I hadn't even seen it! Well, I didn't lose my temper. I +took the document down to the office and asked to have it explained to +me. The explanation was that it cost the hotel a large sum of money. I +said I guessed it did, and it was also probably expensive to get hot and +cold water laid on, but I didn't see any mention of that in the bill, +though I used the hot and cold water, and didn't use the illumination."</p> + +<p>"That's so," said poppa.</p> + +<p>"Well, then the fellow said it was done all on my account, or words to +that effect, and that it was a beautiful illumination and worth twice +the money, and as it was the rule of the hotel he'd have to trouble me +for the price of it."</p> + +<p>"Did you oblige him?" asked poppa.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I did. I hated to awfully, but you never can tell where the law +will land you in a foreign country, especially when you can't converse +with the judge, and I don't expect any stranger could get justice in +Schaffhausen against an hotel anyway. But I sent for my party's trunks, +and we moved—down there to that little thing like a castle overhanging +the Falls. It was a castle once, I believe, but it's a deception now, +for they've turned it into an hotel."</p> + +<p>"Find it comfortable there?" inquired the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm telling you. Pretty comfortable. You could sit in the garden +and get as wet as you liked from the spray, and no extra charge; and if +you wanted to eat apricots at the same time they only cost you a franc +apiece. So when I saw how moderate they were every way, I didn't think +I'd have any trouble about the illumination, specially as I heard that +the three hotels which compose Schaffhausen subscribed to run the +electric plant, and I'd already helped one hotel with its subscription."</p> + +<p>"When did you move in here?" asked poppa.</p> + +<p>"I am coming to that. Well, I saw the show that night. I happened to be +on an outside balcony when it came off, and I couldn't help seeing it. I +wouldn't let myself out so far as to enjoy it, for fear it might +prejudice me later, but I certainly looked on. You can't keep your eyes +shut for three-quarters of an hour for the sake of a principle valued at +a franc a head."</p> + +<p>"I expect you had to pay," said poppa.</p> + +<p>"You're so impatient. I looked coldly on, and between the different +coloured acts I made a calculation of the amount the hotel opposite was +losing by its extortion. I took considerable satisfaction in doing it. +You can get excited over a little thing like that just as much as if it +were the entire Monroe Doctrine; and I couldn't sleep, hardly, that +night for thinking of the things I'd say to the hotel clerk if the +illumination item decorated the bill next day. Cut myself shaving in the +morning over it—thing I never do. Well, there it was—'<i>Illumination de +la chute de la Rhin</i>,' same old French story, a franc apiece."</p> + +<p>"I thought, somehow, from what you've been saying, that it <i>would</i> be +there," remarked the Senator patiently.</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I tried to control myself, but I guess the clerk would tell +you I was pretty wild. There wasn't an argument I didn't use. I threw as +many lights on the situation as they did on the Falls. I asked him how +it would be if a person preferred his Falls plain? I told him I paid +him board and lodging for what Schaffhausen could show me, not for what +I could show Schaffhausen. I used the words 'pillage,' 'outrage,' and +other unmistakable terms, and I spoke of communicating the matter to the +American Consul at Berne."</p> + +<p>"And after that?" inquired the Senator.</p> + +<p>"Oh, it wasn't any use. After that I paid, and moved. Moved right up +here, this morning. But I thought about it a good deal on the way, and +concluded that, if I wasn't prepared to sample every hotel within ten +miles of this cataract for the sake of not being imposed upon, I'd have +to take up a different attitude. So I walked up to the manager the +minute we arrived, fierce as an Englishman—beg your pardon, Squire +Mafferton, but the British <i>have</i> a ferocious way with hotel managers, +as a rule. I didn't mean anything personal—and said to him exactly as +if it was my hotel, and he was merely stopping in it, 'Sir,' I said, 'I +understand that the guests of this hotel are allowed to subscribe to an +electric illumination of the Falls of the Rhine. You may put me down for +ten francs. Now I'm prepared, for the first time, to appreciate the +evening's entertainment."</p> + +<p>Shortly after the recital of Mr. Malt's experiences the illumination +began, and we realised what it was to drink coffee in fairyland. Poppa +advises me, however, to attempt no description of the Falls of +Schaffhausen by any light, because "there," he says, "you will come into +competition with Ruskin." The Senator is perfectly satisfied with +Ruskin's description of the Falls; he says he doesn't believe much could +be added to it. Though he himself was somewhat depressed by them, he +found that he liked them so much better than Niagara. I heard him myself +tell five different Alpine climbers, in precise figures, how much more +water went over our own cataract.</p> + +<p>It was discovered that evening that Mr. and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline, and +Miss Callis and the Count were going on to Heidelberg and down the Rhine +by precisely the same train and steamer that we had ourselves selected. +Mrs. Malt was looking forward to the ruins on the embattled Rhine with +all the enthusiasm we had expended upon Venice, but Mr. Malt declared +himself so full of the picturesque already that he didn't know how he +was going to hold another castle.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV.</h2> + + +<p>We were on our way from Basle to Heidelberg, I remember, and +Mr. Malt was commenting sarcastically upon Swiss resources for naming +towns as exemplified in "Neuhausen." "There's a lot about this country," +said Mr. Malt, "that reminds you of the world as it appeared about the +time you built it for yourself every day with blocks, and made it lively +with animals out of your Noah's Ark. I can't say what it is, but that's +a sample of it—'New Houses!' What a baby baa-lamb name for a town! It +would settle the municipality in our part of the world—any railway +would make a circuit of fifty miles to avoid it!"</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton and I had paused in our conversation, and these remarks +reached us in full. They gave him the opportunity of bending a +sympathetic glance upon me and saying, "How graphic your countrymen are, +Miss Wick." Cologne was only three days off, but Mr. Mafferton never +departed from the proprieties in his form of address. He was in that +respect quite the most docile and respectful person I have ever found it +necessary to keep in suspense.</p> + +<p>I said they were not all as pictorial as Mr. Malt, and noticed that his +eye was wandering. It had wandered to Miss Callis, who was snubbing the +Count, and looking wonderfully well. I don't know whether I have +mentioned that she had blue eyes and black hair, but her occupation, of +course, would be becoming to anybody.</p> + +<p>"And for the matter of that your country-women, too," said Mr. +Mafferton. "I am much gratified to have the opportunity of making the +acquaintance of another of them in this unexpected way. I find your +friend, Miss Callis, a charming creature."</p> + +<p>She wasn't my friend, but the moment did not seem opportune for saying +so.</p> + +<p>"I saw you talking a good deal to her yesterday," I said.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton twisted his moustache with a look of guilty satisfaction +which I found hard to bear. "Must I cry <i>Peccavi?</i>" he said. "You see +you were so—er—preoccupied. You said you would rather hear about the +growth of the Swiss Confederacy and its relation to the Helvetia of the +Ancients another day."</p> + +<p>"That was quite true," I said indignantly.</p> + +<p>"I found Miss Callis anxious to be informed without delay," said Mr. +Mafferton, with a slightly rebuking accent. "She has a very open mind," +he went on musingly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, wonderfully," I said.</p> + +<p>"And a highly retentive memory. It seems she was shown over our place in +Surrey last summer. She described it to me in the most perfect detail. +She must be very observant."</p> + +<p>"She's as observant as ever she can be," I remarked. "I expect she could +describe you in the most perfect detail too, if she tried." I sweetened +this with an exterior smile, but I felt extremely rude inside.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I fear I could not flatter myself—but how interesting that would +be! One has always had a desire to know the impression one makes as a +whole, so to speak, upon a fresh and unsophisticated young intelligence +like that."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "there isn't any reason why you shouldn't find out at +once." For the Count had melted away, and Miss Callis was not nearly so +much occupied with her novel as she appeared to be.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mafferton rose, and again stroked his moustache, with a quizzical +disciplinary air.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Oh woman, in your hours of ease</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Uncertain, coy, and hard to please!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>He quoted. "You are a very whimsical young lady, but since you send me +away I must abandon you."</p> + +<p>"Thanks so much!" I said. "I mean—I have myself to blame, I know," and +as Mr. Mafferton dropped into the seat opposite Miss Callis I saw Mrs. +Portheris regard him austerely, as one for whom it was possible to make +too much allowance.</p> + +<p>In connection with Heidelberg I wish there were something authentic to +say about Perkeo; but nobody would believe the quantity of wine he is +supposed to have drunk in a day, which is the statement oftenest made +about him, so it is of no consequence that I have forgotten the number +of bottles. He isn't the patron saint of Heidelberg, because he only +lived about a hundred and fifty years ago, and the first qualification +for a patron saint is antiquity. As poppa says, there may be elderly +gentlemen in Heidelberg now whose grandfathers have warned them against +the personal habits of Perkeo from actual observation. Also we know that +he was a court jester, and the pages of the Calendar, for some reason, +are closed to persons in that walk of life. Judging by the evidences of +his popularity that survive on all sides, Mr. Malt declared that he was +probably worth more to the town in attracting residents and investors +than half-a-dozen patron saints, and in this there may have been more +truth than reverence. The Elector Charles Philip, whose court he jested +for, certainly made no such mark upon his town and time as Perkeo did, +and in that, perhaps, there is a moral for sovereigns, although the +Senator advises me not to dwell upon it. At all events, one writes of +Heidelberg but one thinks of Perkeo, as he swings from the sign-boards +of the Haupt-Strasse, and stands on the lids of the beer mugs, and +smiles from the extra-mural decoration of the wine shops, and lifts his +glass, in eternally good wooden fellowship, beside the big Tun in the +Castle cellar. There is a Hotel Perkeo, there must be Clubs Perkeo, +probably a suburb and steamboats of the same name, and the local oath +"Per Perkeo!" has a harmless sound, but nothing could be more binding +in Heidelberg. Momma thought his example a very unfortunate one for a +University town, but the rest of us were inclined to admire Perkeo as a +self-made man and a success. As Dicky protested he had made the fullest +use of the capacities Nature had given him, it was evident from his +figure that he had even developed them, and what more profitable course +should the German youth follow? He was cheerful everywhere—as the +forerunner of the comic paper one supposes he had to be—but most +impressive in his effigy by his master's wine vat, in the perpetual +aroma that most inspired him, where, by a mechanical arrangement inside +him, he still makes a joke of sorts, in somewhat graceless aspersion of +the methods of the professional humorists. Emmeline found him very like +her father, and confided her impression to Mrs. Malt. "But of course," +she added condoningly, "poppa was different when you married him."</p> + +<p>Perkeo was not so sentimental as the Trumpeter of Sakkingen, and the +Trumpeter of Sakkingen was not so sentimental as the Heidelberg +University student. The Heidelberg University student was as a rule very +round and very young, and he seemed to give up the whole of his spare +time to imitating the passion which I hope has not been permitted to +enter too largely into this book of travels.</p> + +<p>Dicky and I agreed that it was a mere imitation; that is, Dicky said it +was and I agreed. It could not possibly amount to anything more, for it +consisted wholly in walking up and down in front of the house in which +its object lived. We saw it being done, and it looked so uninteresting +that we failed to realise what it meant until we inquired. Mrs. +Portheris's nephew, Mr. Jarvis Portheris, who was acquiring German in +Heidelberg, told us about it. Mrs. Portheris's nephew was just fourteen +and small of his age, but he, too, had selected the lady of his +admiration, and was taking regular daily pedestrian exercise in front of +her residence. He pointed out the residence, and observed with an +enormous frown that "another man" had usurped the pavement in his +absence, and was doing it in quick step doubtless to show his ardour. +"He's a beastly German too," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew, "so I can't +challenge him, but I'll jolly well punch his head."</p> + +<p>"Come on," said Dicky, "you'd better steady your nerves," and treated +him liberally to ginger-beer and currant buns; but we were not allowed +to see the encounter, which Mr. Jarvis Portheris, gratefully satiate, +assured us must be conducted on strict lines of etiquette, with formal +preliminaries. He was so very young, and obviously knew so little about +what he was doing, that we questioned him with some delicacy, but we +discovered that the practice had no parallel, as Dicky put it, for lack +of incident. It was accompanied in some cases by the writing of poetry, +"German poetry, of course," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew ineffably, but +even that was more likely to be exhibited as evidence of the writer's +fervid state of mind than to be sent to its object, who plaited her +hair and attended to her domestic duties as if nobody were in the street +but the fishmonger. In Mr. Jarvis Portheris's case he did not know the +colour of her eyes, or the number of her years; he had selected her, it +seemed, at a venture, in church, from a rear view, sitting; and had +never seen her since. Dicky, whose predilections of this sort have +always been very active, asked him seriously why he adhered to such a +hollow mockery, and he said regretfully that a fellow more or less had +to; it was one of the beastly nuisances of being educated abroad. But +from what we saw of the German temperament generally we were convinced +that as a native demonstration it was sincere, and that its idiocy arose +only, as Dicky expressed it, from the remarkable lack in foreigners of +business capacity.</p> + +<p>We all congratulated ourselves on seeing Heidelberg while the University +was in session, and we could observe the large fat students in flat blue +and pink and green club caps, swaggering about the town accompanied by +dogs of almost equal importance. The largest and fattest, I thought, +wore white caps, and, though Mr. Jarvis Portheris said that white was +the most aristocratic club's colour, they looked remarkably like bakers. +The Senator had an object in Heidelberg, as he had in so many places, +and that object was to investigate the practice of duelling, which +everybody understands to prevail to a deadly extent among the students. +It was plain from their appearance that personal assault at all events +was regrettably common, for nearly everyone of them wore traces of it +in their faces, wore them as if they were particularly becoming. Every +variety of scar that could well be imagined was represented, some +healed, some healing, and some freshly gory. The youth with the most +scars, we observed, gave himself the most airs, and the really +vainglorious were, more or less, obscured in cotton-wool, evidently just +from the hands of the surgeon. The Senator examined them individually as +they passed, with an inquisitiveness which they plainly enjoyed, and was +much impressed with their fighting qualities as a race, until Mr. Jarvis +Portheris happened to explain that the scars were very carefully given +and received with an almost exclusive view to personal adornment. Mr. +Mafferton appeared to have known this before; but that was an irritating +way he had—none of the rest of us did. The Senator regarded the next +youth he met, who had elongated his mouth to run up into his ear without +adding in the least to his charms of appearance, with barely disguised +contempt, and when Mr. Jarvis Portheris proceeded to explain how the +doctors pulled open the cuts if they promised to heal without leaving +any sign of valour, poppa's impatience with the noble army of duellists +grew so great that he could hardly remain in Heidelberg till the train +was ready to take him away.</p> + +<p>"But don't they ever by <i>accident</i> do themselves any harm?" inquired my +disappointed parent.</p> + +<p>"There's one case on record," said Mr. Jarvis Portheris, "and everybody +here says it's true. One fellow that was fighting happened to have a +dog, and the dog was allowed in. Well, the other fellow, by accident, +sliced off the end of the fellow that had the dog's nose—I don't mean +the dog's nose, you know, but the fellow's. That was going a bit far, +you know; they don't generally go so far. Well, the doctor said that +would be all right, they could easily make it grow on again; but when +they looked for the nose—<i>the dog had eaten it!</i> They never allow dogs +in now."</p> + +<p>It was a simple little story, and it bore marks of unmistakable age and +many aliases, but it did much to reconcile the Senator to the University +student of Heidelberg, and especially to his dog.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI.</h2> + + +<p>Emmeline had childlike lapses; she rejoiced greatly, for instance, at +seeing a Strasbourg stork. She confessed, when she saw it, to having +read Hans Andersen when she was a little girl, and was happy in the +resemblance of the tall chimneys he stood on, and the high-pitched red +roofs he surveyed, to the pictures she remembered. But, for that matter, +so were we all. We had an hour and a half at Strasbourg, and we drove, +of course, to the Cathedral; but it was the stork that we saw, and that +each of us privately considered the really valuable impression. He stood +beside his nest with his chin sunk in his neck, looking immensely lucky +and wise, and one quite agreed with Emmeline that it must be lovely to +live under him.</p> + +<p>We lunched at the station, and, as the meal progressed, saw again how +widespread and sincere is the German sentiment to which I alluded, +perhaps too lightly, in the last chapter. Our waitresses were all that +could be desired, until there came between us and them a youth from +parts without. He was sallow, and the waitresses were buxom; he might +have been a student of law or medicine, they were naturally of much +lower degree. But they frankly forsook us and sat down beside him in +terms of devotion and an open aspect of radiant happiness. When one went +to draw his lager beer he put an unrepelled arm round the waist of the +other, and when the first came back he chucked her under the chin with +undisguised affection, the while we looked on and starved, none knowing +the language except Isabel, who thought of nothing but blushing. As Mr. +Malt said, if the young man could only have made up his mind, we might +have been able to get along with the rejected one; but, apparently, he +was not in the least embarrassed by numbers, sending a large and +beguiling smile to yet a further hand-maiden, who passed enviously +through the <i>speise-salle</i> with a basin of soup. It was only when Dicky +stalked across to the old woman who sold sausages and biscuits behind a +counter, and pointed indignantly to the person who held all the +available table service of the Strasbourg railway station on his knees, +that we obtained redress. The old woman laughed as if it were amusing, +and called the maidens shrilly; but even then they came with reluctance, +as if we had been mere schnapps instead of ten complete luncheons, one +soup, and a bread and cheese, as Dicky said. The bread and cheese was +the Count, and one gathered from it that the improvement in his +immediate prospects was not yet assured, that the arrangimento was still +in futuro.</p> + +<p>We had become such a large party, that it is impossible to relate the +whole of our experiences even in the half hour during which we dawdled +round the Strasbourg waiting-room until the train should start. I know +it was then, for instance, that Mrs. Portheris took Dicky aside and told +him how deeply she sympathised with him in his trying position, and bade +him only be faithful to the dictates of his own heart and all would come +right in time. I know Dicky promised faithfully to do so, but I must not +dwell upon it. Nor is the opportunity adequate to express the +indignation we all felt, and not Mr. Mafferton merely, at the +insufficient personal impression we made upon the German railway +officials. They were so completely preoccupied with their magnificent +selves and their vast business that they were unable even to look at us +when we asked them questions, and their sole conception of a reply was +an order, in terms that sounded brutal to a degree. They were +objectionably burly and red in the face; they wore an offensive number +of buttons and straps upon their uniforms. As Mr. Mafferton said, they +utterly misconceived their position in life, attempting to Kaiser the +travelling public by Divine right instead of recognising themselves as +humble servants, buttoned only to be made more agreeable to the eye.</p> + +<p>One such person trampled upon us to such an extent that I have never +been able to satisfy myself that the Senator was sincere in making his +little mistake. We were sitting in dejected rows, with a number of other +foreigners who had been similarly reduced, when this official entered +the waiting-room, advanced to the middle of it, posed with great +majesty, and emitted several bars of a kind of chant or chime. It was +delivered with too much vigour, and it stopped too abruptly, to be +entirely enjoyable; but there was no doubt about the musical intention. +It was not even intoning; it was singing, beginning with moderation, +going on stronger with indignation, and ending suddenly in a crescendo +of denunciation.</p> + +<p>We smiled in difficult self-restraint as he went away, and Dicky +remarked that he supposed we were in their hands, we couldn't object to +anything they did to us. In five minutes he came back to exactly the +same spot and sang again the same words, in the same key, with the same +unction. "Encore!" exclaimed Mr. Malt boldly, but cowered under the +glare that was turned upon him, and utterly fell away when we reminded +him of the punishments attached in Germany to the charge of <i>lèse +majesté</i>. Precisely five minutes more passed away, and Bawlinbuttons, as +Miss Callis called him, entered again. Then occurred the Senator's +little mistake. In the midst of the second bar, the indignant one, +Bawlinbuttons stopped short, petrified by poppa, who had advanced and +was holding out copper coins whose usefulness we had left behind us, to +the value of about fifteen cents.</p> + +<p>"Here's the collection," said poppa benevolently—for an instant or two +he was quite audible—"but unless you know some other tune the company +wish me to say that they won't trouble you any further."</p> + +<p>There are misunderstandings that are never rectified, sometimes because +a train draws up at the platform as in this case, and sometimes for +other reasons, and it was natural enough that poppa should fail to +comprehend Bawlinbuttons' indignant shouts to the effect that a Kaiser +should never be mistaken for an organ-grinder, merely because his tastes +are musical. Neither is it likely that the various Teutons who were +waiting for the information will ever understand why the announcement +that the train for Saarburg, Nancy, Frankfort, and Mayence would leave +at ten o'clock precisely was never completed for the third time, +according to the regulation. But we have often wondered since what +Bawlinbuttons did with the coppers.</p> + +<p>We divided up on the way to Mayence, and Mr. and Mrs. Malt came into +the compartment with the Senator, momma, and me. Mr. Malt was +unsatisfied with poppa's revenge on Bawlinbuttons, and proposed to make +things awkward further for the guard. He said it could be done very +simply, by a disagreement between himself and the Senator as to whether +the windows should be open or shut. He said he had heard of a German +guard put to the most enjoyable misery by such a dispute, not knowing +the language of the disputants and being forced to arbitrate upon their +respective demands. Mr. Malt had laughed at the Senator's joke, so the +Senator, of course, had to assist at Mr. Malt's, and they began to work +themselves up, as Mr. Malt said, into the spirit of it. Mr. Malt was to +insist that the windows should be shut, he said he <i>had</i> got a trifling +cold, and the Senator was to require them open in the interests of +ventilation. They rehearsed their arguments, and momma putting her head +out of the window at the first small station cried, "Be quick and change +your expressions—he's coming!"</p> + +<p>In the presence of the guard Mr. Malt rose with dignity and closed the +windows. The Senator, with a well-simulated scowl, at once opened them +both.</p> + +<p>"Stranger!" said Mr. Malt, while momma fumbled for her ticket, "I shut +those windows."</p> + +<p>"Sir," responded poppa, "if you had not done so I shouldn't have been +obliged to open them."</p> + +<p>"I can't die of pneumonia, sir," said Mr. Malt, again closing the +window, "to oblige <i>you</i>."</p> + +<p>"Nor do I feel compelled," returned the Senator furiously, "to +asphyxiate my family to make it comfortable for you!" and the window +fell with a bang.</p> + +<p>The guard, holding out a massive hand for my ticket, took no notice +whatever.</p> + +<p>"Put it up again," said Mrs. Malt, who was more anxious than any of us +to avenge herself upon the German railway system, "and try to break the +glass."</p> + +<p>"Attract his attention, Alexander," said momma. "Pull one of his silly +buttons off."</p> + +<p>The guard gave no sign—he was replacing the elastic round my book of +coupons after detaching the green one on which was printed, "Strasburg +nach Mainz."</p> + +<p>Poppa and Mr. Malt were sitting opposite each other in the middle of +the carriage.</p> + +<p>"I tell you I've got bronchial trouble, and I won't be manslaughtered," +cried Mr. Malt, hurling himself upon the strap, while poppa seized the +guard by the arm and pointed to the closed window. The only foreign +language with which poppa is acquainted is that used by the Indians on +the banks of the Saguenay river, a few words of which he acquired while +salmon fishing there two years ago. These he poured forth upon the +guard—they were the only ones that occurred to him, he said—at the +same time threatening with his disengaged fist bodily assault upon Mr. +Malt.</p> + +<p>"That ought to draw him," said Mrs. Malt.</p> + +<p>It did draw him.</p> + +<p>"Leave go!" he said to poppa, and his air of authority was such that +poppa left go. "Is this here a lunatic party, or a young menagerie, or +what? Now look here," he continued, taking Mr. Malt by the elbow and +seating him with some violence in a corner seat and shutting the window. +"If you've got eight tickets for yourself say so, if you haven't that's +as much an' more than you are entitled to. The other gentleman——" But +the Senator had already collapsed into the furthest corner and was +looking fixedly through the closed glass. "Well, all I've got to say +is," he went on, lowering that window with decision, "that you can't go +kickin' up rows in this country same as you do at home, an' if you can't +get along more satisfactory together I'll——" here something interrupted +him, requiring to be transferred from the Senator's hand to the nearest +convenient pocket. "As I was goin' to say, gentlemen, there isn't any what +you might call strict rule about the windows, an' as far as I'm concerned, +you can settle it for yourselves."</p> + +<p>Whereupon he swung along to the next carriage, the train having started, +and left us to reflect on the incongruity of an English railway guard in +Germany.</p> + +<p>It was curious, but the incident left behind it a certain coolness, so +well defined that when momma suggested that the Malts' window should be +lowered as it was before to give us a current of air, Mrs. Malt said she +thought it would be better to abide by the decision of the guard, now +that we had referred it to him, and momma said, "Oh dear me, yes," if +she preferred to do so, and everybody established the most aggressively +private relations with books and newspapers. It was quite a relief when +Mrs. Portheris came at the next station to inquire whether, if we had no +married Germans in our compartment, we could possibly make room for +Isabel. Mrs. Portheris had married Germans in her compartment, two pairs +of them, and she could no longer permit her daughter to observe their +behaviour. "They obtrude their domestic relations," said Mrs. Portheris, +"in the most disgusting way. They are continually patting each other. +Quite middle-aged, too! And calling each other 'Leibchen,' and other +things which may be worse. My poor Isabel is dreadfully embarrassed, +for, of course, she can't always look out of the window. And as she +understands the language, I can't possibly tell <i>what</i> she may +overhear!"</p> + +<p>We made room for Isabel, but the train to Mayence was crowded that day, +and before we arrived we had ample reason to believe that conjugal +affection is not only at home but abroad in Germany. The Senator, at one +point, threatened to travel on the engine to avoid it. He used, I think +the language of exaggeration about it. He said it was the most +objectionable article made in Germany. But I did not notice that Isabel +devoted herself at all seriously to looking out of the window.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXVII.</h2> + + +<p>"He tells me," said Miss Callis, "that you are to give him his answer at +Cologne."</p> + +<p>"Does he, indeed?" said I. We were floating down the Rhine in the +society of our friends, two hundred and fifty other floaters, and a +string band. We had left the battlements of Bingen, and the Mouse Tower +was in sight. As we had already acquired the legend, and were sitting +behind the smoke stack, there was no reason why we should not discuss +Mr. Mafferton.</p> + +<p>"I suppose he does not, by any chance, mention an alternative lady," I +said carelessly.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," said Miss Callis, "that I should be disposed to listen +to him if he did. He would have to put it in some other light."</p> + +<p>"Why should you object?" I asked. "Isabel is quite a proper person to +marry him. Much more so, I often think, than I."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said Miss Callis without meaning to. "I think he has outgrown that +taste. In fact, he told me so."</p> + +<p>"He is for ever seeking a fresh bosom for a confidence!" I cried.</p> + +<p>Miss Callis looked at me with more interest than she would have wished +to express.</p> + +<p>"What do you really think of him?" she asked. "I sometimes feel as if I +had known you for years," and she took my hand.</p> + +<p>I gave hers a gentle pressure, and edged a little nearer. "He has good +shoulders," I remarked critically.</p> + +<p>"You would hardly marry him for his <i>shoulders</i>!"</p> + +<p>"It doesn't seem quite enough," I admitted, "but then—his information +is always so accurate."</p> + +<p>"If you think you would like living with an encyclopedia." Miss Callis +had begun to look embarrassed by my hand, but I still permitted it to +nestle confidingly in hers.</p> + +<p>"He pronounces all his g's," I said, "and—did you ever see him in a +silk hat?"</p> + +<p>"I don't think you are really attached to him, dear." (The "dear" was a +really creditable sacrifice to the situation.)</p> + +<p>"I sometimes think," I murmured, "that one never knows one's own heart +until some sudden circumstance puts it to the test. Now if I had a +rival—in you, for instance—and I suddenly saw myself losing—but, of +course, that is impossible so far as you are concerned. Because of the +Count."</p> + +<p>"The Count isn't in it," said Miss Callis firmly. "At least at present."</p> + +<p>"But," I protested, "somebody must provide for him! I was so happy in +the thought that you had undertaken it."</p> + +<p>Miss Callis gave me back my hand. She looked as if she would have liked +to throw it overboard.</p> + +<p>"As you say," she said, "it is a little difficult to make up one's mind. +Don't you think those rocks to the right may be the Lorelei? I must go +and tell Mrs. Malt. She won't be fit to travel with for a week if she +misses the Lorelei." And Miss Callis left me to reflect upon the +inconsistencies of my sex.</p> + +<p>"Do you realise," said Dicky, as, with an assumed air of nonchalance, he +sauntered up and took her chair, "that we shall be in Cologne in five +hours?"</p> + +<p>"Fateful Cologne," I said. "There are Roman remains, I believe, as well +as the Cathedral and the scent. Also a Museum of Industrial Art, but +we'll skip that."</p> + +<p>"We'll skip all of it," replied Mr. Dod, with determination, "you and I +and Isabel. The train for Paris leaves at nine precisely."</p> + +<p>"Haven't you made up your minds to let me off," I pleaded. "I am sure +you would be happier alone. It's so unusual to elope with two ladies."</p> + +<p>"You don't seem to realise how Isabel has been brought up," Dicky +returned patiently. "She can't travel alone with me, don't you see, +until we are married. Afterwards she'll chaperone you back to your party +again. So it will be all right for <i>you</i>, don't you see?"</p> + +<p>I was obliged to say I saw, and we arranged the details. We would reach +Cologne about six, and Isabel and I, who would share a room as usual, +were secretly to pack one bag between us, which Dicky would smuggle out +of the hotel and send to the station. Isabel was to be fatigued and dine +in her room; I was to leave the <i>table d'hôte</i> early to solace her, +Dicky was to dine at a <i>café</i> and meet us at the station. We would put +out the lights and lock the door of the apartment on our departure, and +the chambermaid with hot water in the morning would be the first to +discover our flight. We only regretted that we could not be there to see +the astonishment of the chambermaid. "I won't fail you," I assured Mr. +Dod, "but what about Isabel? Isabel is essential; in fact, I won't +consent to this elopement without her."</p> + +<p>"Isabel," said Dicky dubiously, "is all right, so far as her intentions +go. But she'd be the better for a little stiffening. Would you mind——"</p> + +<p>I groaned in spirit, but went in search of Isabel, thinking of phrases +that might stiffen her. I found her looking undecided, with a pencil and +a slip of paper.</p> + +<p>"How lucky you are," I said diplomatically, sinking into the nearest +chair, "to be going to wind up your trip on the Continent in such a +delightful way. It will be—ah—something to remember all your life."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I suppose so," said Isabel plaintively, "but I should <i>so</i> much +prefer to be done in church. If mamma would only consent!"</p> + +<p>"She never would," I declared, for I felt that I must see Isabel Mrs. +Dod within the next day or two at all costs.</p> + +<p>"A registry office sounds so uninteresting. I suppose one just goes—as +one is."</p> + +<p>"I don't think veils and trains are worn," I observed, "except by +persons of high rank who do not approve of the marriage service. I don't +know what the Marquis of Queensberry might do, or Mr. Grant Allen."</p> + +<p>"Of course, the ceremony doesn't matter to <i>them</i>," replied Isabel +intelligently, "because they would just wear morning dress <i>anywhere</i>."</p> + +<p>"Looking at it that way, they haven't much to lose," I conceded.</p> + +<p>"And no wedding cake," grieved Isabel, "and no reception at the house of +the bride's mother. And you can't have your picture in the <i>Queen</i>."</p> + +<p>"There would be a difficulty," I said, "about the descriptive part."</p> + +<p>"And no favours for the coachman, and no trousseau——"</p> + +<p>"I wonder," I said, "whether, under those circumstances, it's really +worth while."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well!" said Isabel.</p> + +<p>"It's a night to Paris, and a morning to Dover," I said. "We will wait +for the others at Dover—I fancy they'll hurry—that'll be another day. +I'll take one <i>robe de nuit</i>, Isabel, three pocket handkerchiefs, one +brush and comb, and tooth brush. You shall have all the rest of the +bag."</p> + +<p>"You are a perfect love," exclaimed Miss Portheris, with the most +touching gratitude.</p> + +<p>"We will share the soap," I continued, "until you are married. +Afterwards——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, you can have it then," said Isabel, "of course," and she looked at +the Castle of Rheinfels and blushed beautifully.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXVIII.</h2> + + +<p>"There was only one thing that disappointed me," Mrs. Malt was saying at +the dinner table of the Cologne hotel, "and that wasn't so much what you +would call a disappointment as a surprise. White windows-blinds in a +robber castle on the Rhine I did not expect to see."</p> + +<p>I slipped away before momma had time to announce and explain her +disappointments, but I heard her begin. Then I felt safe, for criticism +of the Rhine is absorbing matter for conversation. The steamer's custom +of giving one stewed plums with chicken is an affront to civilisation to +last a good twenty minutes by myself. I tried to occupy and calm +Isabel's mind with it as we walked over to the station, under the twin +towers of the Cathedral, but with indifferent success. To add to her +agitation at this crisis of her life, the top button came off her glove, +and when that happened I felt the inutility of words.</p> + +<p>We passed the policemen on the Cathedral square with affected +indifference. We believed we were not liable to arrest, but policemen, +when one is eloping, have a forbidding look. We refrained, by mutual +arrangement, from turning once to look back for possible pursuers, but +that is not a thing I would undertake to do again under similar +circumstances. We even had the hardihood to buy a box of chocolates on +the way, that is, Isabel bought them, while I watched current events at +the confectioner's door. The station was really only about seven +minutes' walk from the hotel, but it seemed an hour before I was able to +point out Dicky, alert and expectant, on the edge of the platform behind +the line of cabs.</p> + +<p>"So near the fulfilment of his hopes, poor fellow," I remarked.</p> + +<p>"Yes," concurred Isabel, "but do you know I almost wish he wasn't +coming."</p> + +<p>"Don't tell him so, whatever you do," I exclaimed. "I know Dicky's +sensitive nature, and it is just as likely as not that he would take you +at your word. And I will not elope with you alone."</p> + +<p>I need not have been alarmed. Isabel had no intention of reducing the +party at the last moment. I listened for protests and hesitations when +they met, but all I heard was, "<i>Have</i> you got the bag?"</p> + +<p>Dicky had the bag, the tickets, the places, everything. He had already +assumed, though only a husband of to-morrow, the imperative and +responsible connection with Isabel's arrangements. He told her she was +to sleep with her head toward the engine, that she was to drink nothing +but soda-water at any of the stations, and that she must not, on any +account, leave the carriage when we changed for Paris until he came for +her. It would be my business to see that these instructions were +carried out.</p> + +<p>"What shall I do," I asked, "if she cries in the night?"</p> + +<p>But Dicky was sweeping us toward the waiting-room, and did not hear me. +He placed us carefully in the seats nearest the main door, which opened +upon the departure platform, full of people hurrying to and fro, and of +the more leisurely movement of shunting trains. The lamps were lighted, +though twilight still hung about; the scene was pleasantly exciting. I +said to Isabel that I never thought I should enjoy an elopement so much.</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> shall enjoy settling down," she replied thoughtfully. "Dicky has +promised me that all the china shall be hand-painted."</p> + +<p>"You won't mind my leaving you for five seconds," said Mr. Dod, suddenly +exploring his breast-pocket; "the train doesn't leave for a quarter of +an hour yet, and I find I haven't a smoke about me," and he opened the +door.</p> + +<p>"Not more that five seconds then," I said, for nothing is more trying to +the nerves than to wait for a train which is due in a few minutes and a +man who is buying cigars at the same time.</p> + +<p>Dicky left the door open, and that was how I heard a strangely familiar +voice, with an inflexion of enforced calm and repression, suddenly +address him from behind it.</p> + +<p>"<i>Good evening, Dod!</i>"</p> + +<p>I did not shriek, or even grasp Isabel's hand. I simply got up and +stood a little nearer the door. But I have known few moments so +electrical.</p> + +<p>"My dear chap, how <i>are</i> you?" exclaimed Dicky. "How are you? Staying in +Cologne? I'm just off to Paris."</p> + +<p>I thought I heard a heavy sigh, but it was somewhat lost in the +trundling of the porters' trucks.</p> + +<p>"Then," said Arthur Page, for I had not been deceived, "it is as I +supposed."</p> + +<p>"What did you suppose, old chap?" asked Dicky in a joyous and expansive +tone.</p> + +<p>"You do not go alone?"</p> + +<p>The bitterness of this was not a thing that could be communicated to +paper and ink.</p> + +<p>"Why, no," said Dicky, "the fact is——"</p> + +<p>I saw the wave—it was characteristic—with which Mr. Page stopped him. +"I have been made acquainted with the facts," he said. "Do not dwell +upon them. I do not, cannot, blame you, if you have really won her +heart."</p> + +<p>"So far as I know," said Dicky, with some hauteur, "there's nothing in +it to give <i>you</i> the hump."</p> + +<p>"Why waste time in idle words?" replied Arthur. "You will lose your +train. I could never forgive myself if I were the cause of that."</p> + +<p>"You won't be," said Dicky sententiously, looking at his watch.</p> + +<p>"But I must ask—must demand—the privilege of one parting word," said +Arthur firmly. "Do not be apprehensive of any painful scene. I desire +only to wish her every happiness, and to bid her farewell."</p> + +<p>Mr. Dod, though on the eve of his wedding day, was not wholly oblivious +of the love affairs of other people. I could see a new-born and +overwhelming comprehension of the situation in his face as he put his +head in at the door and beckoned to Isabel. Evidently he could not trust +himself to speak.</p> + +<p>"Miss Portheris," he said, with magnificent self-control, "Mr. Page. Mr. +Page would like to wish you every happiness and to bid you farewell, +Isabel, and I don't see why he shouldn't. We have still five minutes."</p> + +<p>There are limits to the propriety of all practical jokes, and I walked +out at once to assure Arthur that his misunderstanding was quite +natural, and somewhat less exquisitely humorous than Mr. Dod appeared to +find it.</p> + +<p>"I am merely eloping too," I said, "in case anything should happen to +Isabel." Realising that this was also being misinterpreted, I added, +"She is not accustomed to travelling alone."</p> + +<p>We had shaken hands, and that always makes a situation more normal, but +there was still plainly an enormous amount to clear up, and painfully +little time to do it in, though Dicky with great consideration +immediately put Isabel into the carriage and followed her to its +remotest corner, leaving me standing at the door, and Arthur holding it +open. The second bell rang as I learned from Mr. Page that the +Pattersons had gone to Newport this summer, and that it was extremely +hot in New York when he left. As the guard came along the platform +shutting up the doors of the train, Arthur's agitation increased, and I +saw that his customary suffering in connection with me, was quite as +great as anybody could desire. The guard had skipped our carriage, but +it was already vibrating in departure—creaking—moving. I looked at +Arthur in a manner—I confess it—which annihilated our two months of +separation.</p> + +<p>"Then since you're not going to marry Dod," he inquired breathlessly, +walking along with the train—"I've heard various reports—whom, may I +ask, <i>are</i> you going to marry?"</p> + +<p>"Why, nobody," I said, "unless——"</p> + +<p>"Well, I should think so!" ejaculated Arthur, and in spite of the +frightful German language used by the guard, he jumped into the +carriage.</p> + +<p>He has maintained ever since that he was obliged to do it in order to +explain his presence on the platform, which was, of course, carrying the +matter to its logical conclusion. It seemed that the Senator had advised +him to come over and meet us accidentally in Venice, where he had +intimated that reunion would be only a question of privacy and a full +moon. On his arrival at Venice—it was <i>his</i> gondola that we shared—the +Senator had discouraged him for the moment, and had since constantly +telegraphed him that the opportune moment had not yet arrived. Finally +poppa had written to say that, though he grieved to announce that I +was engaged to Dicky, and he could not guarantee any disengagement, he +was still operating to that end. This, however, precipitated Mr. Page to +Cologne, where observation of our movements at a distance brought him to +the wrong conclusion, but fortunately to the right platform. As Isabel +remarked, if such things were put in books nobody would believe them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><a name="illus351"></a><img src="./images/illus351.jpg" alt=""Whom are you going to marry?"" title=""Whom are you going to marry?"" /></div> + +<h5>"Whom <i>are</i> you going to marry?"</h5> + + + +<p>It seemed quite unreasonable and absurd when we talked it over that +Arthur and I should travel from Cologne to Dover merely to witness the +nuptials of Dicky and Isabel. As Dicky pointed out, moreover, our moral +support when it came to the interview with Mrs. Portheris would be much +more valuable if it were united. There would be the registrar—one +registrar would do—and there would be the opportunity of making it a +square party. These were Dicky's arguments; Arthur's were more personal +but equally convincing, and I must admit that I thought a good deal of +the diplomatic anticipation of that magnificent wedding which was to +illustrate and adorn the survival of the methods of the Doge of Venice +in the family of a Senator of Chicago. And thus it was that we were all +married sociably together in Dover the following morning, despatching a +telegram immediately afterwards to the Senator at the Cologne hotel as +follows:</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 22em;">"We have eloped.</span><br /> + +<span style="margin-left: 22em;">(Signed) R. and I. Dod.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 28em;">A. and M. Page."</span></p> + +<p>Later on in the day we added details, to show that we bore no malice, +and announced that we were prepared to await the arrival of the rest of +the party for any length of time at Dover.</p> + +<p>We even went down to the station to meet them, where recriminations and +congratulations were so mingled that it was impossible, for some time, +to tell whether we were most blessed or banned. Even in the confusion of +the moment, however, I noticed that Mr. Mafferton made Miss Callis's +baggage his special care, and saw clearly in the cordiality of her +sentiments toward me, and the firmness of her manner in ordering him +about, that the future peer had reached his last alternative.</p> + +<p>I rejoice to add that the day also showed that even Count Filgiatti had +fallen, in the general ordering of fates, upon happiness with honour. I +noticed that Emmeline vigorously protected him from the Customs officer +who wished to confiscate his cigarettes, and I mentioned her air of +proprietorship to her father.</p> + +<p>"Why, yes," said Mr. Malt, "he offered himself as a count you see, and +Emmeline seemed to think she'd like to have one, so I closed with him. +There isn't anything likely to come of it for three or four years, but +he's willing to wait, and she's got to grow."</p> + +<p>I expressed my felicitations, and Mr. Malt added somewhat regretfully +that it would have been better if he'd had more in his clothes, but that +was what you had to expect with counts; as a rule they didn't seem to +have what you might call any money use for pockets. In the meantime +they were taking him home to educate him in the duties of American +citizenship. Emmeline put it to me briefly, "I'm not any Daisy Miller," +she said, "and I prefer to live out of Rome."</p> + +<p>Once a year the present Lady Mafferton invites Mrs. Portheris to tea, +and I know they discuss my theory of engagements in a critical spirit. +We have never seen either Miss Nancy or Miss Cora Bingham again, and I +should have forgotten the names of Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson by this +time if I had not written them down in earlier chapters. Arthur and I +have not yet made up our minds to another visit to England. We have +several friends there, however, whom we appreciate exceedingly, in +spite, as we often say to one another, of their absurd and deplorable +accent.</p> + + +<h5>THE END.</h5> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h2> D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS.</h2> + +<p>Miss F.F. Montrésor's Books. Uniform Edition. 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It is fresh, pure, sweet, and pathetic, +with a pathos which is perfectly wholesome."—<i>St. Paul Globe</i>.</p> + +<p>"The story is an intensely human one and it is delightfully told.... The +author shows a marvelous keenness in character analysis, and a marked +ingenuity in the development of her story."—<i>Boston Advertiser</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>INTO THE HIGHWAYS AND HEDGES</i>. $1.50.</p> + +<p>"A touch of idealism, of nobility of thought and purpose, mingled with +an air of reality and well-chosen expression, are the most notable +features of a book that has not the ordinary defects of such qualities. +With all its elevation of utterance and spirituality of outlook and +insight it is wonderfully free from overstrained or exaggerated matter, +and it has glimpses of humor. 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Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents.</p> + +<p><i>SUNSET</i>.</p> + +<p>"'Sunset' will fully meet the expectations of Miss Whitby's many +admirers, while for those (if such there be) who may not know her former +books it will form a very appetizing introduction to these justly +popular stories."—<i>London Globe</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>THE AWAKENING OF MARY FENWICK</i>.</p> + +<p>"Miss Whitby is far above the average novelist.... This story is +original without seeming ingenious, and powerful without being +overdrawn."—<i>New York Commercial Advertiser</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>PART OF THE PROPERTY</i>.</p> + +<p>"The book is a thoroughly good one. The theme is the rebellion of a +spirited girl against a match which has been arranged for her without +her knowledge or consent.... It is refreshing to read a novel in which +there is not a trace of slipshod work."—<i>London Spectator</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>A MATTER OF SKILL</i>.</p> + +<p>"A very charming love story, whose heroine is drawn with original skill +and beauty, and whom everybody will love for her splendid if very +independent character."—<i>Boston Home Journal</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>ONE REASON WHY</i>.</p> + +<p>"A remarkably well-written story.... The author makes her people speak +the language of everyday life, and a vigorous and attractive realism +pervades the book."—<i>Boston Saturday Evening Gazette</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>IN THE SUNTIME OF HER YOUTH</i>.</p> + +<p>"The story has a refreshing air of novelty, and the people that figure +in it are depicted with a vivacity and subtlety that are very +attractive."—<i>Boston Beacon</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>MARY FENWICK'S DAUGHTER</i>.</p> + +<p>"A novel which will rank high among those of the present +season."-<i>Boston Advertiser</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>ON THE LAKE OF LUCERNE, and other Stories.</i> 16mo. Boards, with +specially designed cover, 50 cents.</p> + +<p>"Six short stories carefully and conscientiously finished, and told with +the graceful ease of the practiced <i>raconteur</i>."—<i>Literary Digest</i>.</p> + +<p>"Very dainty, not only in mechanical workmanship but in matter and +manner."—<i>Boston Advertiser</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p>D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS.</h2> + + +<p>SOME NOTABLE AMERICAN FICTION in APPLETONS' TOWN AND COUNTRY LIBRARY. +Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents.</p> + +<p><i>A COLONIAL FREE-LANCE</i>. By Chauncey C. Hotchkiss, +author of "In Defiance of the King."</p> + +<p>"We have had stories of the Revolution dealing with its statesmen, its +soldiers, and its home life, but the good books relating to adventure by +sea have been few and far between. The best of these for many a moon is +'A Colonial Free-Lance' There is a rattle and dash, a continuity of +adventure that constantly chains the reader's attention and makes the +book delightful reading."—<i>Philadelphia Inquirer</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>THE SUN OF SARATOGA</i>. By Joseph A. Altsheler.</p> + +<p>"Taken altogether, 'The Sun of Saratoga' is the best historical novel of +American origin that has been written for years, if not, indeed, in a +fresh, simple, unpretending, unlabored, manly way, that we have ever +read."—<i>New York Mail and Express</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>MASTER ARDICK, BUCCANEER</i>. By F.H. Costello.</p> + +<p>"This story is one of the real old-fashioned kind that novel readers +will take delight in perusing. There are incident and adventure in +plenty. The characters are bold, knightly, and chivalrous, and +delightful entertainers."—<i>Boston Courier</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>THE INTRIGUERS</i>. A Novel. By John D. Barry.</p> + +<p>"The story is a wholesome, enlivening bit of romance. It rings pure and +sweet, and is most happy in its characterizations."—<i>Boston Herald</i>.</p> + +<p>"A bright society novel, sparkling with wit and entertaining from +beginning to end."—<i>Boston Times</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>IN DEFIANCE OF THE KING</i>. A Romance of the American Revolution. By +Chauncey C. Hotchkiss.</p> + +<p>"Thrills from beginning to end with the spirit of the Revolution.... His +whole story is so absorbing that you will sit up far into the night to +finish it, and lay it aside with the feeling that you have seen a +gloriously true picture of the Revolution."—<i>Boston Herald</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p><i>IN OLD NEW ENGLAND</i>. The Romance of a Colonial Fireside. By +Hezekiah Butterworth.</p> + +<p>"We do not remember any other volume which holds within its covers a +series of such charming legends and traditions of New England's earlier +history.... 'In Old New England' possesses a charm rare indeed. It will +be welcomed by young and old alike."—<i>New York Mail and Express</i>.<br /><br /></p> + + +<p>D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Voyage of Consolation, by Sara Jeannette Duncan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION *** + +***** This file should be named 15966-h.htm or 15966-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/9/6/15966/ + +Produced by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries +(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto), Suzanne Lybarger, +Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Voyage of Consolation + (being in the nature of a sequel to the experiences of 'An + American girl in London') + +Author: Sara Jeannette Duncan + +Release Date: June 1, 2005 [EBook #15966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION *** + + + + +Produced by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries +(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto), Suzanne Lybarger, +Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. (www.pgdp.net) + + + + + + VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION + + BOOKS BY MRS. EVERARD COTES + (SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN). + + UNIFORM EDITION. + + * * * * * + + A Voyage of Consolation. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + His Honour, and a Lady. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + The Story of Sonny Sahib. + Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00. + + Vernon's Aunt. + With many Illustrations. 12mo. Cloth, $1.25. + + A Daughter of To-Day. + A Novel. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + A Social Departure. + HOW ORTHODOCIA AND I WENT ROUND THE WORLD BY OURSELVES. + With 111 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75 + cents; cloth, $1.75. + + An American Girl in London. + With 80 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Paper, 75 + cents; cloth, $1.50. + + The Simple Adventures of a Memsahib. + With 37 Illustrations by F.H. TOWNSEND. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50. + + * * * * * + +New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue. + +[Illustration: "Jamais!" (see Page 156.)] + + + + +A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION + +(BEING IN THE NATURE OF A SEQUEL TO THE EXPERIENCES OF "AN AMERICAN GIRL +IN LONDON") + +BY + +SARA JEANNETTE DUNCAN (MRS. EVERARD COTES) + +AUTHOR OF + +A SOCIAL DEPARTURE, AN AMERICAN GIRL IN LONDON, A DAUGHTER OF TO-DAY, +VERNON's AUNT, THE STORY OF SONNY SAHIB, HIS HONOUR AND A LADY, ETC. + +[Illustration] + +_ILLUSTRATED_ + + +NEW YORK + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + +1898 + +Copyright, 1897, 1898, + +BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. + + FACING + PAGE + + "Jamais!" _Frontispiece_ + + Momma was enjoying herself 36 + + "I expect you've seen these before" 45 + + Breakfast with Dicky Dod 99 + + "Are you paid to make faces?" 140 + + We followed the monks 169 + + Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen 189 + + We were sitting in a narrow balcony 194 + + "I'm not a crowned head!" 208 + + "Do you see?" 256 + + Fervent apologies 265 + + "Whom _are_ you going to marry?" 322 + + + + +A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +It seems inexcusable to remind the public that one has written a book. +Poppa says I ought not to feel that way about it--that he might just as +well be shy about referring to the baking soda that he himself +invented--but I do, and it is with every apology that I mention it. I +once had such a good time in England that I printed my experiences, and +at the very end of the volume it seemed necessary to admit that I was +engaged to Mr. Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale College, Connecticut. I +remember thinking this was indiscreet at the time, but I felt compelled +to bow to the requirements of fiction. I was my own heroine, and I had +to be disposed of. There seemed to be no alternative. I did not wish to +marry Mr. Mafferton, even for literary purposes, and Peter Corke's +suggestion, that I should cast myself overboard in mid-ocean at the mere +idea of living anywhere out of England for the future, was +autobiographically impossible even if I had felt so inclined. So I +committed the indiscretion. In order that the world might be assured +that my heroine married and lived happily ever afterwards, I took it +prematurely into my confidence regarding my intention. The thing that +occurred, as naturally and inevitably as the rain if you leave your +umbrella at home, was that within a fortnight after my return to Chicago +my engagement to Mr. Page terminated; and the even more painful +consequence is that I feel obliged on that account to refer to it again. + +Even an American man has his lapses into unreasonableness. Arthur +especially encouraged the idea of my going to England on the ground that +it would be so formative. He said that to gaze upon the headsman's block +in the Tower was in itself a liberal education. As we sat together in +the drawing-room--momma and poppa always preferred the sitting-room when +Arthur was there--he used to gild all our future with the culture which +I should acquire by actual contact with the hoary traditions of Great +Britain. He advised me earnestly to disembark at Liverpool in a +receptive and appreciative, rather than a critical and antagonistic, +state of mind, to endeavour to assimilate all that was worth +assimilating over there, remembering that this might give me as much as +I wanted to do in the time. I remember he expressed himself rather +finely about the only proper attitude for Americans visiting England +being that of magnanimity, and about the claims of kinship, only once +removed, to our forbearance and affection. He put me on my guard, so to +speak, about only one thing, and that was spelling. American spelling, +he said, had become national, and attachment to it ranked next to +patriotism. Such words as "color," "program," "center," had obsolete +English forms which I could only acquire at the sacrifice of my +independence, and the surrender of my birthright to make such +improvements upon the common language as I thought desirable. And I know +that I was at some inconvenience to mention "color," "program," and +"center," in several of my letters just to assure Mr. Page that my +orthography was not in the least likely to be undermined. + +Indeed, I took his advice at every point. I hope I do not presume in +asking you to remember that I did. I know I was receptive, even to penny +buns, and sometimes simply wild with appreciation. I found it as easy as +possible to subdue the critical spirit, even in connection with things +which I should never care to approve of. I shook hands with Lord +Mafferton without the slightest personal indignation with him for being +a peer, and remember thinking that if he had been a duke I should have +had just the same charity for him. Indeed, I was sorry, and am still +sorry, that during the four months I spent in England I didn't meet a +single duke. This is less surprising than it looks, as they are known to +be very scarce, and at least a quarter of a million Americans visit +Great Britain every year; but I should like to have known one or two. As +it was, four or five knights--knights are very thick--one baronet, Lord +Mafferton, one marquis--but we had no conversation--one colonel of +militia, one Lord Mayor, and a Horse Guard, rank unknown, comprise my +acquaintance with the aristocracy. A duke or so would have completed the +set. And the magnanimity which I would so willingly have stretched to +include a duke spread itself over other British institutions as amply as +Arthur could have wished. When I saw things in Hyde Park on Sunday that +I was compelled to find excuses for, I thought of the tyrant's iron +heel; and when I was obliged to overlook the superiorities of the titled +great, I reflected upon the difficulty of walking in iron heels without +inconveniencing a prostrate population. I should defy anybody to be more +magnanimous than I was. + +As to the claims of kinship, only once removed, to our forbearance and +affection, I never so much as sat out a dance on a staircase with Oddie +Pratte without recognising them. + +It seems almost incredible that Arthur should not have been gratified, +but the fact remains that he was not. Anyone could see, after the first +half hour, that he was not. During the first half hour it is, of course, +impossible to notice anything. We had sunk to the level of generalities +when I happened to mention Oddie. + +"He had darker hair than you have, dear," I said, "and his eyes were +blue. Not sky blue, or china blue, but a kind of sea blue on a cloudy +day. He had rather good eyes," I added reminiscently. + +"Had he?" said Arthur. + +"But your noses," I went on reassuringly, "were not to be compared with +each other." + +"Oh!" said Arthur. + +"He _was_ so impulsive!" I couldn't help smiling a little at the +recollection. "But for that matter they all were." + +"Impulsive?" asked Arthur. + +"Yes. Ridiculously so. They thought as little of proposing as of asking +one to dance." + +"Ah!" said Arthur. + +"Of course, I never accepted any of them, even for a moment. But they +had such a way of taking things for granted. Why one man actually +thought I was engaged to him!" + +"Really!" said Arthur. "May I inquire----" + +"No, dear," I replied, "I think not. I couldn't tell anybody about +it--for his sake. It was all a silly mistake. Some of them," I added +thoughtfully, "were very stupid." + +"Judging from the specimens that find their way over here," Arthur +remarked, "I should say there was plenty of room in their heads for +their brains." + +Arthur was sitting on the other side of the fireplace, and by this time +his expression was aggressive. I thought his remark unnecessarily +caustic, but I did not challenge it. + +"_Some_ of them were stupid," I repeated, "but they were nearly all +nice." And I went on to say that what Chicago people as a whole thought +about it I didn't know and I didn't care, but so far as _my_ experience +went the English were the loveliest nation in the world. + +"A nation like a box of strawberries," Mr. Page suggested, "all the big +ones on top, all the little ones at the bottom." + +"That doesn't matter to us," I replied cheerfully, "we never get any +further than the top. And you'll admit there's a great tendency for +little ones to shake down. It's only a question of time. They've had so +much time in England. You see the effects of it everywhere." + +"Not at all. By no means. _Our_ little strawberries rise," he declared. + +"Do they? Dear me, so they do! I suppose the American law of gravity is +different. In England they would certainly smile at that." + +Arthur said nothing, but his whole bearing expressed a contempt for +puns. + +"Of course," I said, "I mean the loveliest nation after Americans." + +I thought he might have taken that for granted. Instead, he looked +incredulous and smiled, in an observing, superior way. + +"Why do you say 'ahfter'?" he asked. His tone was sweetly acidulated. + +"Why do you say 'affter'?" I replied simply. + +"Because," he answered with quite unnecessary emphasis, "in the part of +the world I come from everybody says it. Because my mother has brought +me up to say it." + +"Oh," I said, looking at the lamp, "they say it like that in other parts +of the world too. In Yorkshire--and such places. As far as _mothers_ go, +I must tell you that momma approves of my pronunciation. She likes it +better than anything else I have brought back with me--even my +tailor-mades--and thinks it wonderful that I should have acquired it in +the time." + +"Don't you think you could remember a little of your good old American? +Doesn't it seem to come back to you?" + +All the Wicks hate sarcasm, especially from those they love, and I +certainly had not outgrown my fondness for Mr. Page at this time. + +"It all came back to me, my dear Arthur," I said, "the moment you opened +your lips!" + +At that not only Mr. Page's features and his shirt front, but his whole +personality seemed to stiffen. He sat up and made an outward movement on +the seat of his chair which signified, "My hat and overcoat are in the +hall, and if you do not at once retract----" + +"Rather than allow anything to issue from them which would imply that I +was not an American I would keep them closed for ever," he said. + +"You needn't worry about that," I observed. "Nothing ever will. But I +don't know why we should _glory_ in talking through our noses." +Involuntarily I played with my engagement ring, slipping it up and +down, as I spoke. + +Arthur rose with an expression of tolerant amusement--entirely +forced--and stood by the fireplace. He stood beside it, with his elbow +on the mantelpiece, not in front of it with his legs apart, and I +thought with a pang how much more graceful the American attitude was. + +"Have you come back to tell us that we talk through our noses?" he +asked. + +"I don't like being called an Anglomaniac," I replied, dropping my ring +from one finger to another. Fortunately I was sitting in a rocking +chair--the only one I had not been able to persuade momma to have taken +out of the drawing-room. The rock was a considerable relief to my +nerves. + +"I knew that the cockneys on the other side were fond of inventing +fictions about what they are pleased to call the 'American accent,'" +continued Mr. Page, with a scorn which I felt in the very heels of my +shoes, "but I confess I thought you too patriotic to be taken in by +them." + +"Taken in by them" was hard to bear, but I thought if I said nothing at +this point we might still have a peaceful evening. So I kept silence. + +"Of course, I speak as a mere product of the American Constitution--a +common unit of the democracy," he went on, his sentences gathering wrath +as he rolled them out, "but if there were such a thing as an American +accent, I think I've lived long enough, and patrolled this little Union +of ours extensively enough, to hear it by this time. But it appears to +be necessary to reside four months in England, mixing freely with earls +and countesses, to detect it." + +"Perhaps it is," I said, and I _may_ have smiled. + +"I should hate to pay the price." + +Mr. Page's tone distinctly expressed that the society of earls and +countesses would be, to him, contaminating. + +Again I made no reply. I wanted the American accent to drop out of the +conversation, if possible, but Fate had willed it otherwise. + +"I sai, y'know, awfly hard luck, you're havin' to settle down amongst +these barbarians again, bai Jove!" + +I am not quite sure that it's a proper term for use in a book, but by +this time I was _mad_. There was criticism in my voice, and a distinct +chill as I said composedly, "You don't do it very well." + +I did not look at him, I looked at the lamp, but there was that in the +air which convinced me that we had arrived at a crisis. + +"I suppose not. I'm not a marquis, nor the end man at a minstrel show. +I'm only an American, like sixty million other Americans, and the +language of Abraham Lincoln is good enough for me. But I suppose I, like +the other sixty million, emit it through my nose!" + +"I should be sorry to contradict you," I said. + +Arthur folded his arms and gathered himself up until he appeared to +taper from his stem like a florist's bouquet, and all the upper part of +him was pink and trembling with emotion. Arthur may one day attain +corpulence; he is already well rounded. + +"I need hardly say," he said majestically, "that when I did myself the +honour of proposing, I was under the impression that I had a suitable +larynx to offer you." + +"You see I didn't know," I murmured, and by accident I dropped my +engagement ring, which rolled upon the carpet at his feet. He stooped +and picked it up. + +"Shall I take this with me?" he asked, and I said "By all means." + +That was all. + +I gave ten minutes to reflection and to the possibility of Arthur's +coming back and pleading, on his knees, to be allowed to restore that +defective larynx. Then I went straight upstairs to the telephone and +rang up the Central office. When they replied "_Hello_," I said, in the +moderate and concentrated tone which we all use through telephones, "Can +you give me New York?" + +Poppa was in New York, and in an emergency poppa and I always turn to +one another. There was a delay, during which I listened attentively, +with one eye closed--I believe it is the sign of an unbalanced intellect +to shut one eye when you use the telephone, but I needn't go into +that--and presently I got New York. In a few minutes more I was +accommodated with the Fifth Avenue Hotel. + +"Mr. T.P. Wick, of Chicago," I demanded. + +"_Is his room number Sixty-two?_" + +That is the kind of mind which you usually find attached to the New York +end of a trans-American telephone. But one does not bandy words across a +thousand miles of country with a hotel clerk, so I merely responded: + +"Very probably." + +There was a pause, and then the still small voice came again. + +"_Mr. Wick is in bed at present. Anything important?_" + +I reflected that while I in Chicago was speaking to the hotel clerk at +half-past nine o'clock, the hotel clerk in New York was speaking to me +at eleven. This in itself was enough to make our conversation +disjointed. + +"Yes," I responded, "it is important. Ask Mr. Wick to get out of bed." + +Sufficient time elapsed to enable poppa to put on his clothes and come +down by the elevator, and then I heard: + +"_Mr. Wick is now speaking_." + +"Yes, poppa," I replied, "I guess you are. Your old American accent +comes singing across in a way that no member of your family would ever +mistake. But you needn't be stiff about it. Sorry to disturb you." + +Poppa and I were often personal in our intercourse. I had not the +slightest hesitation in mentioning his American accent. + +"_Hello, Mamie! Don't mention it. What's up? House on fire? Water pipes +burst? Strike in the kitchen? Sound the alarm--send for the +plumber--raise Gladys's wages and sack Marguerite_." + +"My engagement to Mr. Page is broken. Do you get me? What do you +suggest?" + +I heard a whistle, which I cannot express in italics, and then, +confidentially: + +"_You don't say so! Bad break?_" + +"Very," I responded firmly. + +"_Any details of the disaster available? What?_" + +"Not at present," I replied, for it would have been difficult to send +them by telephone. + +I could hear poppa considering the matter at the other end. He coughed +once or twice and made some indistinct inquiries of the hotel clerk. +Then he called my attention again. + +"_Hello!_" he said. "_On to me? All right. Go abroad. Always done. +Paris, Venice, Florence, Rome, and the other places. I'll stand in. +Germanic sails Wednesdays. Start by night train to-morrow. Bring momma. +We can get Germanic in good shape and ten minutes to spare. Right?_" + +"Right," I responded, and hung up the handle. I did not wish to keep +poppa out of bed any longer than was necessary, he was already up so +much later than I was. I turned away from the instrument to go down +stairs again, and there, immediately behind me, stood momma. + +"Well, really!" I exclaimed. It did not occur to me that the privacy of +telephonic communication between Chicago and New York was not +inviolable. Besides, there are moments when one feels a little annoyed +with one's momma for having so lightly undertaken one's existence. This +was one of them. But I decided not to express it. + +"I was only going to say," I remarked, "that if I had shrieked it would +have been your fault." + +"I knew everything," said momma, "the minute I heard him shut the gate. +I came up immediately, and all this time, dear, you've been confiding in +us both. My dear daughter." + +Momma carries about with her a well-spring of sentiment, which she did +not bequeath to me. In that respect I take almost entirely after my +other parent. + +"Very well," I said, "then I won't have to do it again." + +Her look of disappointment compelled me to speak with decision. "I know +what you would like at this juncture, momma. You'd like me to get down +on the floor and put my head in your lap and weep all over your new +brocade. That's what you'd really enjoy. But, under circumstances like +these, I never do things like that. Now the question is, can you get +ready to start for Europe to-morrow night, or have you a headache coming +on?" + +Momma said that she expected Mrs. Judge Simmons to tea to-morrow +afternoon, that she hadn't been thinking of it, and that she was out of +nerve tincture. At least, these were her principal objections. I said, +on mature consideration, I didn't see why Mrs. Simmons shouldn't come to +tea, that there were twenty-four hours for all necessary thinking, and +that a gallon of nerve tincture, if required, could be at her disposal +in ten minutes. + +"Being Protestants," I added, "I suppose a convent wouldn't be of any +use to us--what do you think?" + +Momma thought she could go. + +There was no need for hurry, and I attended to only one other matter +before I went to bed. That was a communication to the _Herald_, which I +sent off in plenty of time to appear in the morning. It was addressed to +the Society Editor, and ran as follows: + +"The marriage arranged between Professor Arthur Greenleaf Page, of Yale +University, and Miss Mamie Wick, of 1453, Lakeside-avenue, Chicago, will +not take place. Mr. and Mrs. Wick, and Miss Wick, sail for Europe on +Wednesday by s.s. Germanic." + +I reflected, as I closed my eyes, that Arthur was a regular reader of +the _Herald_. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +We met poppa on the Germanic gangway, his hat on the back of his head +and one finger in each of his waistcoat pockets, an attitude which, with +him, always betokens concern. The vessel was at that stage of departure +when the people who have been turned off are feeling injured that it +should have been done so soon, and apparently only the weight of poppa's +personality on its New York end kept the gangway out. As we drove up he +appeared to lift his little finger and three dishevelled navigators +darted upon the cab. They and we and our trunks swept up the gangway +together, which immediately closed behind us, under the direction of an +extremely irritated looking Chief Officer. We reunited as a family as +well as we could in connection with uncoiled ropes and ship discipline. +Then poppa, with his watch in his hand, exclaimed reproachfully, well in +hearing of the Chief Officer, "I gave you ten minutes and you _had_ ten +minutes. You stopped at Huyler's for candy, I'll lay my last depreciated +dollar on it." + +My other parent looked guiltily at some oblong boxes tied up in white +paper with narrow red ribbon, which, innocently enough I consider, +enhance the value of life to us both. But she ignored the charge--momma +hates arguments. + +"Dear me!" she said, as the space widened between us and the docks. "So +we are all going to Europe together this morning! I can hardly realise +it. Farewell America! How interesting life is." + +"Yes," replied poppa. "And now I guess I'd better show you your cabins +before it gets any more interesting." + +We had a calm evening, though nothing would induce momma to think so, +and at ten o'clock Senator J.P. Wick and I were still pacing the deck +talking business. The moon rose, and threw Arthur's shadow across our +conversation, but we looked at it with precision and it moved away. That +is one of poppa's most comforting characteristics, he would as soon open +his bosom to a shot-gun as to a confidence. He asked for details through +the telephone merely for bravado. As a matter of fact, if I had begun to +send them he would have rung off the connection and said it was an +accident. We dipped into politics, and I told the Senator that while I +considered his speech on the Silver Compromise a credit to the family on +the whole, I thought he had let himself out somewhat unnecessarily at +the expense of the British nation. + +"We are always twisting a tail," I said reproachfully, "that does +nothing but wag at us." + +This poppa reluctantly admitted with the usual reference to the Irish +vote. We both hoped sincerely that any English friends who saw that +speech, and paused to realise that the orator was a parent of mine, +would consider the number of Irish resident in Illinois, and the amount +of invective which their feelings require. Poppa doesn't really know +sometimes whether he is himself or a shillelagh, but whatever his +temporary political capacity he is never ungrateful. He went on to give +me the particulars of his interview with the President about the Chicago +Post Office, and then I gradually unfolded my intention of preparing our +foreign experiences as a family for publication in book form. While I +was unfolding it poppa eyed me askance. + +"Is that usual?" he inquired. + +"Very usual indeed," I replied. + +"I mean--under the circumstances?" + +"Under what circumstances?" I demanded boldly. I knew that nothing would +induce him to specify them. + +"Oh, I only meant--it wasn't exactly my idea." + +"What was your idea--exactly?" It was mean of me to put poppa to the +blush, but I had to define the situation. + +"Oh," said he, with unlooked-for heroism, "I was basing my calculations +with reference to you on the distractions of change--Paris dry-goods, +rowing round Venice in gondolas, riding through the St. Gothard tunnel, +and the healing hand of time. I don't intend to give a day less than six +weeks to it. I'm looking forward to the tranquilising effect of the +antique some myself," he added, hedging. "I find these new self-risers +that we've undertaken to carry almost more than my temperament can +stand. They went up from an output of five hundred dollars to six +hundred and fifty thousand, and back again inside seven days last month. +I'm looking forward to examining something that hasn't moved for a +couple of thousand years with considerable pleasure." + +"Poppa," said I, ignoring the self-risers, "if you were as particular +about the quality of your fiction as you are about the quality of your +table-butter, you would know that the best heroines never have recourse +to such measures now. They are simply obsolete. Except for my literary +intention, I should be ashamed to go to Europe at all--under the +circumstances. But that, you see, brings the situation up to date. I +transmit my European impressions through the prism of damaged affection. +Nothing could be more modern." + +"I see," replied poppa, rubbing his chin searchingly, which is his +manner of expressing sagacious doubt. His beard descends from the lower +part of his chin in the long unfettered American manner, without which +it is impossible for _Punch_ to indicate a citizen of the United States. +When he positively disapproves he pulls it severely. + +"But Europe's been done before, you know," he continued. "In fact, I +don't know any continent more popular than Europe with people that want +to publish books of travel. It's been done before." + +"Never," I rejoined, "in connection with you, poppa!" + +Poppa removed his hand from his chin. + +"Oh, if I'm to assist, that's quite another anecdote," he said briskly. +"I didn't understand you intended to ring me in. Of course, I don't mean +to imply there is any special prejudice against books of travel in +Europe. About how many pages did you think of running it to?" + +"My idea was three hundred," I replied. + +"And how many words to a page?" + +"Two hundred and fifty--more or less." + +"That's seventy-five thousand words! Pretty big undertaking, if you look +at it in bulk." + +"We shall have to rely upon momma," I remarked. + +Poppa's expression disparaged the idea, and he began to feel round for +his beard. + +"If I were you," he said, "I wouldn't place much dependence on momma. +She'll be able to give you a few hints on sunsets and a pointer or two +about the various Venuses, likely--she's had photographs of several of +them in the house for years--but I expect it's going to be a question of +historical fact pretty often, and momma won't be in it. Not that I want +to choke momma off," he continued, "but she will necessitate a whole +reference library. And in some parts of Europe I believe they charge you +for every pound of luggage, including your lunch, if you don't happen to +have concealed it in your person." + +"We'll have to pin her down to the guide-books," I remarked. + +"That depends. I've always understood that the guide-book market was +largely controlled by Mr. Murray and Mr. Baedeker. Also, that Mr. Murray +writes in a vein of pretty lofty sentiment, while Mr. Baedeker is about +as interesting as a directory. Now where the right emotion is included +at the price I don't see the use of momma, but when it's a question of +Baedeker we might turn her on. See?" + +"Poppa," I replied with emotion, "you will both be invaluable. I will +bid you good-night. I believe the electric light burns all night long in +the smoking-cabin, but that is not supposed to indicate that gentlemen +are expected to stay there till dawn. I see you have two Havanas left. +That will be quite enough for one evening. Good-night, poppa." + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +All the way across momma implored me to become reconciled to Arthur. In +extreme moments, when it was very choppy, she composed telegrams on +lines which were to drive him wild with contrition without compromising +my dignity; and when I suggested the difficulty of tampering with the +Atlantic cable in mid-ocean without a diving machine, she wept, hinting +that, if I were a true daughter of hers, things would never have come to +such a pass. My position, from a filial point of view, was most trying. +I could not deny my responsibility for momma's woes--she never left her +cabin--yet I was powerless to put an end to them. Young women in novels +have thrown themselves into the arms of the wrong man under far less +parental pressure, but although it was indeed the hour the man was not +available. Neither, such was the irony of circumstances, would our +immediate union have affected the motion in the slightest degree. But +although I presented these considerations to momma many times a day, she +adhered so persistently to the idea of promoting a happy reunion that I +was obliged to keep a very careful eye on the possibility of +surreptitious messages from Liverpool. Once on dry land, however, momma +saw her duty in another light. I might say that she swallowed her +principles with the first meal she really enjoyed, after which she +expressed her conviction that it was best to let the dead past bury its +dead, so long as the obsequies did not necessitate her immediate return +to America. + +I was looking forward immensely to observing the Senator in London, +remembering the effect it had upon my own imagination, but on our +arrival he conducted himself in a manner which can only be described as +non-committal. He went about with his hands in his pockets, smoking +large cigars with an air of reserved criticism that vastly impressed the +waiters, acquiescing in strawberry jam for breakfast, for example, in a +manner which said that, although this might be to him a new and complex +custom, he was acquainted with Chicago ones much more recondite. His air +was superior, but modestly so, and if he said nothing you would never +suppose it was because he had nothing to say. He meant to give Great +Britain a chance before he pronounced anything distinctly unfavourable +even to her steaks, and in the meantime to remember what an up-to-date +American owes to his country's reputation in the hotels of a foreign +town. + +He was very much at his ease, and I saw him looking at a couple of just +introduced Englishmen embarking in conversation, as if he wondered what +could possibly be the matter with them. I am sorry that I can't say as +much for my other parent, but before monarchical institutions momma +weakened. She had moments of terrible indecision as to how to do her +hair, and I am certain it was not a matter of indifference to her that +she should make a good impression upon the head butler. Also, she +hesitated about examining the mounted Guardsman on duty at Whitehall, +preferring to walk past with a casual glance, as if she were accustomed +to see things quite as wonderful every day at home, whereas nothing to +approach it has ever existed in America, except in the imagination of +Mr. Barnum, and he is dead. And shopwalkers patronised her. I +congratulated myself sometimes that I was there to assert her dignity. + +I must be permitted to generalise in this way about our London +experiences because they only lasted a day and a half, and it is +impossible to get many particulars into that space. It was really a pity +we had so little time. Nothing would have been more interesting than to +bring momma into contact with the Poets' Corner, or introduce poppa to +the House of Lords, and watch the effect. I am sure, from what I know of +my parents, that the effect would have been crisp. But we decided that +six weeks was not too much to give to the Continent, also that an +opportunity, six weeks long, of absorbing Europe is not likely to occur +twice in the average American lifetime. We stayed over two or three +trains in London, however, just long enough to get in a background, as +it were, for our Continental experiences. The weather was typical, and +the background, from an artistic point of view, was perfect. While not +precisely opaque, you couldn't see through it anywhere. + +When it became a question of how we were to put in the time, it seemed +to momma as if she would rather lie down than anything. + +"You and your father, dear," she said, "might drive to St. Paul's, when +it stops raining. Have a good look at the dome and try to bring me back +the sound of the echo. It is said to be very weird. See that poppa +doesn't forget to take off his hat in the body of the church, but he +might put it on in the Whispering Gallery, where it is sure to be +draughty. And remember that the funeral coach of the Duke of Wellington +is down in the crypt, darling. You might bring me an impression of that. +I think I'll have a cup of chocolate and try to get a little sleep." + +"Is it," asked poppa, "the coach which the Duke sent to represent him at +the other people's funerals, or the one in which he attended his own?" + +"You can look that up," momma replied; "but my belief is that it was +presented to the Duke by a grateful nation after his demise. In which +case he couldn't possibly have used it more than once." + +I looked at momma reprovingly, but, seeing that she had no suspicion of +being humorous, I said nothing. The Senator pushed out his under lip and +pulled his beard. + +"I don't know about St. Paul's," he said; "wouldn't any other +impression do as well, momma? It doesn't seem to be just the weather for +crypts, and I don't suppose the hearse of a military man is going to +make the surroundings any more cheerful. Now, my idea is that when time +is limited you've got to let some things go. I'd let the historical go +every time. I'd let the instructive go--we can't drag around an idea of +the British Museum, for instance. I'd let ancient associations +go--unless you're particularly interested in the parties associated." + +I thought of the morning I once spent picking up details, traditions, +and remains of Dr. Johnson in various parts of the West Central +district, and privately sympathised with this view, though I felt +compelled to look severe. Momma, who was now lying down, dissented. +What, then, she demanded, had we crossed the ocean for? + +"Rather," said she, "where time is limited let us spread ourselves, so +to speak, over the area of culture available. This morning, for example, +you, husband, might ramble round the Tower and try to picture the +various tragedies that have been enacted there. You, daughter, might go +and bring us those impressions from St. Paul's, while I will content +myself with observing the manners of the British chambermaid. So far, I +must say, I think they are lovely. Thus, each doing what he can and she +can, we shall take back with us, as a family, more real benefit than we +could possibly obtain if we all derived it from the same source." + +"No," said poppa firmly. "I take exception to your theory right there, +Augusta. Culture is a very harmless thing, and there's no reason why you +shouldn't take it in, till your back gives out, every day we're here. +But I consider that we've got the article in very good shape in our +little town over there in Illinois, and personally I don't propose to go +nosing round after it in Europe. And as a family man I should hate to be +divided up for any such purpose." + +"Oh, if you're going to steel yourself against it, my love----" + +"Now, what Bramley said to me the day before we sailed was this--No, I'm +not steeling myself against it; my every pore is open to it--Bramley +said: 'Your time is limited, you can't see everything. Very well. See +the unique. Keep that in mind,' he said; 'the unique. And you'll be +surprised to find how very little there is in the world, outside +Chicago, that is unique.'" + + +"Applying that rule," continued the Senator, strolling up and down, "the +things to see in London are the Crystal Palace and the Albert Memorial. +Especially the Albert Memorial. That was a man who played second fiddle +to his wife, and enjoyed it, all his life long; and there he sits in +Hyde Park to-day, I understand, still receiving the respectful homage of +the nation--the only case on record." + +"Westminster Abbey would be much better _for_ you," said momma. + +"Don't you think," I put in, "that if momma is to get any sleep----" + +"Certainly. Now, another thing that Bramley said was, 'Look here,' he +said, 'remember the Unattainable Elsewhere--and get it. You're likely to +be in London. Now the Unattainable Elsewhere, for that town, is +gentlemen's suitings. For style, price, and quality of goods the London +tailor leads the known universe. Wick,' he said--he was terribly in +earnest--'if you have _one hour_ in London, leave your measure!'" + +"In that case," said momma, sitting up and ascertaining the condition of +her hair, "you would like me to be with you, love." + +Now, if momma doesn't like poppa's clothes, she always gives them away +without telling him. This would be thought arbitrary in England, and I +have certainly known the Senator suddenly reduced to great destitution +through it, but America is a free country, and there is no law to compel +us to see our male relations unbecomingly clad against our will. + +"Well, to tell the truth, Augusta," said poppa, "I would. I'd like to +get this measure through by a unanimous vote. It will save complications +afterwards. But are you sure you wouldn't rather lie down?" + +Momma replied to the effect that she wouldn't mind his going anywhere +else alone, but this was important. She put her gloves on as she spoke, +and her manner expressed that she was equal to any personal sacrifice +for the end in view. + +Colonel Bramley had given the Senator a sartorial address of repute, +and presently the hansom drew up before it, in Piccadilly. We went about +as a family in one hansom for sociability. + +"Look here, driver," said poppa through the roof, "have we got there?" + +The cabman, in a dramatic and resentful manner, pointed out the number +with his whip. + +"There's the address as was given to _me_, sir." + +"Well, there's nothing to get mad about," said poppa sternly. "I'm +looking for Marcus Trippit, tailor and outfitter." + +"It's all right, sir. All on the brass plite on the door, sir. I can see +it puffickly from 'ere." + +The cabman seemed appeased, but his tone was still remonstrative. + +We all looked at the door with the brass plate. It was flanked on one +side by the offices of a house agent, on the other by a superior looking +restaurant. + +"There isn't the sign of a tailor about the premises," said poppa, +"except his name. I don't like the look of that." + +"Perhaps," suggested momma, "it's his private address." + +"Well, I guess we don't want to call on Marcus, especially as we've got +no proper introduction. Driver, that isn't Mr. Trippit's place of +business. It's his home." + +We all craned up at the hole in the roof at once, like young birds, and +we all distinctly saw the driver smile. + +"No, sir, I don't think 'e'd put it up like that that 'e was a tyler, +not on 'is privit residence, sir. I think you'll find the business +premises on the fust or second floor, likely." + +"Where's his window?" the Senator demanded. "Where's his display? No, I +don't think Marcus will do for me. I'm not confiding enough. Now, _you_ +don't happen to be able to recommend a tailor, do you?" + +"Yes, sir, I can take you to a gentleman that'll turn you out as +'andsome as need be. Out 'Ampstead way, '_e_ is." + +The Senator smiled. "About a three-and-sixpenny fare, eh?" he said. + +"Yes, sir, all of that." + +"I thought so. I don't mind the three and sixpence. You can't do much +driving where I come from under a dollar; but we've only got about +twenty-four hours for the British capital altogether, and I can't spare +the time." + +"Suppose he drives along slowly," suggested momma. + +"Just so. Drive along slowly until you come to a tailor that has a shop, +do you see? And a good-sized window, with waxwork figures in it to show +off the goods. Then let me hear from you again." + +The man's expression changed to one of cheerfulness and benignity. +"Right you are, sir," he said, and shut down the door in a manner that +suggested entire appreciation of the circumstances. + +"I think we can trust him," said poppa. Inside, therefore, we gave +ourselves up to enjoyment of what momma called the varied panorama +around us; while, outside, the cabman passed in critical review half the +gentleman's outfitters in London. It was momma who finally brought him +to a halt, and the establishment which inspired her with confidence and +emulation was inscribed in neat, white enamelled letters, _Court +Tailors_. + +As we entered, a person of serious appearance came forward from the +rear, by no means eagerly or inquiringly, but with a grave step and a +great deal of deportment. I fancy he looked at momma and me with slight +surprise; then, with his hands calmly folded and his head a little on +one side, he gave his attention to the Senator. But it was momma who +broke the silence. + +"We wish," said momma, "to look at gentlemen's suitings." + +"Yes, madam, certainly. Is it for--for----" He hesitated in the +embarrassed way only affected in the very best class of establishments, +and I felt at ease at once as to the probable result. + +"For this gentleman," said momma, with a wave of her hand. + +The Senator, being indicated, acknowledged it. "Yes," he said, "I'm your +subject. But there's just one thing I want to say. I haven't got any use +for a Court suit, because where I live we haven't got any use for +Courts. My idea would be something aristocratic in quality but +democratic in cut--the sort of thing you would make up for a member of +Mr. Gladstone's family. Do I make myself clear?" + +"Certainly, sir. Ordinary morning dress, sir, or is it evening dress, or +both? Will you kindly step this way, sir?" + +"We will all step this way," said momma. + +"It would be a morning coat and waistcoat then, sir, would it not? And +trousers of a different--somewhat lighter----" + +"Well, no," the Senator replied. "Something I could wear around pretty +much all day." + +My calm regard forbade the gentleman's outfitter to smile, even in the +back of his head. + +"I think I understand, sir. Now, here is something that is being a good +deal worn just now. Beautiful finish." + +"Nothing brownish, thank you," said momma, with decision. + +"No, madam? Then perhaps you would prefer this, sir. More on the iron +gray, sir." + +"That would certainly be more becoming," said momma. "And I like that +invisible line. But it's rather too woolly. I'm afraid it wouldn't keep +its appearance. What do you think, Mamie?" + +"Oh, there's no _wool_liness, madam." The gentleman's outfitter's tone +implied that wool was the last thing he would care to have anything to +do with. "It's the nap. And as to the appearance of these goods"--he +smiled slightly--"well, we put our reputation on them, that's all. I +can't say more than that. But I have the same thing in a smooth finish, +if you would prefer it." + +"I think I would prefer it. Wouldn't you, Mamie?" + +The man brought the same thing in a smooth finish, and looked +interrogatively at poppa. + +"Oh, I prefer it, too," said he, with a profound assumption of +intelligent interest. "Were you thinking of having the pants made of the +same material, Augusta?" + +The gentleman's outfitter suddenly turned his back, and stood thus for +an instant struggling with something like a spasm. Knowing that if +there's one thing in the world momma hates it's the exhibition of +poppa's sense of humour, I walked to the door. When I came back they +were measuring the Senator. + +"Will you have the American shoulder, sir? Most of our customers prefer +it." + +"Well, no. The English shoulder would be more of a novelty on me. You +see I come from the United States myself." + +"Do you indeed, sir?" + +The manners of some tailors might be emulated in England. + +"Tails are a little longer than they were, sir, and waistcoats cut a +trifle higher. Not more than half an inch in both cases, sir, but it +does make a difference. Now, with reference to the coat, sir; will you +have it finished with braid or not? Silk braid, of course, sir." + +"Augusta?" demanded the Senator. + +"Is braid _de nouveau_?" asked momma. + +"Not precisely, madam, but the Prince certainly has worn it this season +while he didn't last." + +"Do you refer to Wales?" asked poppa. + +"Yes, sir. He's very generally mentioned simply as 'The Prince.' His +Royal Highness is very conservative, so to speak, about such things, so +when he takes up a style we generally count on its lasting at least +through one season. I can assure you, sir, the Prince has appeared in +braid. You needn't be afraid to order it." + +"I think," put in momma, "that braid would make a very neat finish, +love." + +Poppa walked slowly towards the door, considering the matter. With his +hand on the knob he turned round. + +"No," he said, "I don't think that's reason enough for me. We're both +men in public positions, but I've got nothing in common with Wales. I'll +have a plain hem." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +"If there's one thing I hate," said Senator Wick several times in the +discussion of our plans, "it's to see a citizen of the United States +going round advertising himself. If you analyse it, it's a mean thing to +do, for it's no more a virtue to be born American than a fault to be +born anything else. I'm proud of my nationality and my income is a +source of satisfaction to me, but I don't intend to brandish either of +them in the face of Europe." + +It was this principle that had induced poppa to buy tourist tickets +second class by rail, first class by steamer, all through, like ordinary +English people on eight or nine hundred a year. Momma and I thought it +rather noble of him and resolved to live up to it if possible, but when +he brought forth a large packet of hotel coupons, guaranteed to produce +everything, including the deepest respect of the proprietors, at ten +shillings and sixpence a day apiece, we thought he was making an +unnecessary sacrifice to the feelings of the non-American travelling +public. + +"Two dollars and a half a day!" momma ejaculated. "Were there no more +expensive ones?" + +"If there had been," poppa confessed, "I would have taken them. But +these were the best they had. And I understand it's a popular, sensible +way of travelling. I told the young man that the one thing we wished to +avoid was ostentation, and he said that these coupons would be a +complete protection." + +"There must be _some_ way of paying more," said momma pathetically, +looking at the paper books of tickets, held together by a quantity of +little holes. "Do they actually include everything?" + +"Even wine, I understand, where it is the custom of the hotel to provide +it without extra charge, and in Switzerland honey with your breakfast," +the Senator responded firmly. "I never made a more interesting purchase. +There before us lie our beds, breakfasts, luncheons, dinners, lights, +and attendance for the next six weeks." + +"It is full of the most dramatic possibilities," I remarked, looking at +the packet. + +"It seems to me a kind of attempt to coerce Providence," said momma, "as +much as to say, 'Whatever happens to the world, I am determined to have +my bed, breakfast, luncheon, dinner, lights, and attendance for six +weeks to come.' Is it not presumptuous?" + +"It's very reasonable," said the Senator, "and that's the principal +thing you've got against it, Augusta. It's remarkably, pictorially +cheap." The Senator put the little books in their detachable cover, +snapped the elastic round them and restored the whole to his inside +pocket. + +"You might almost say enjoyably cheap, if you know what I mean. The +inexpensiveness of Europe," he continued, "is going to be a great charm +for me. I intend to revel in it." + +I am always discovering points about poppa the existence of which I had +not suspected. His appreciation of the joy of small prices had been +concealed in him up to this date, and I congratulated him warmly upon +its appearance. I believe it is inherent in primitive tribes and in all +Englishmen, but protective tariffs and other influences are rapidly +eradicating it in Americans, who should be condoled with on this point, +more than they usually are. + +We were on our way to Paris after a miraculous escape of the Channel. So +calm it was that we had almost held our breaths in our anxiety lest the +wind should rise before we got over. Dieppe lay behind us, and momma at +the window declared that she could hardly believe she was looking out at +Normandy. Momma at the window was enjoying herself immensely in the +midst of Liberty silk travelling cushions, supported by her +smelling-bottle, and engaged apparently in the realisation of +long-cherished dreams. + +"There they are in a row!" she exclaimed. "How lovely to see them +standing up in that stiff, unnatural way just as they do in the +pictures." + +Poppa and I rushed raptly to the window, but discovered nothing +remarkable. + +"To see what, Augusta?" demanded he. + +"The Normandy poplars, love. Aren't you awfully disappointed in them? +I am. So wooden!" + +[Illustration: Momma was enjoying herself.] + +Poppa said he didn't know that he had been relying much on the poplar +feature of the scenery, and returned to his weary search for American +telegrams in a London daily paper. + +"Dear me," momma ejaculated, "I _never_ supposed I should see them doing +it! And right along the line of the railway, too!" + +"See them doing it!" I repeated, searching the landscape. + +"The women working in the fields, darling love. Garnering the grain, all +in that nice moderate shade of blue-electric, shouldn't you call it? +There--there's another! No, you can't see her now. France _is_ +fascinating!" + +Poppa abruptly folded the newspaper. "I've learnt a great deal more than +I wanted to know about Madagascar," said he, "and I understand that +there's a likelihood of the London voter being called to arms to prevent +High Church trustees introducing candles and incense into the opening +exercises of the public schools. I've read eleven different accounts of +a battle in Korea, and an article on the fauna and flora of Beluchistan, +very well written. And I see it's stated, on good authority, that the +Queen drove out yesterday accompanied by the Princess Beatrice. I don't +know that I ever got more information for two cents in my life. But for +news--Great Scott! I _know_ more news than there is in that paper! The +editor ought to be invited to come over and discover America." + +"Here's something about America," I protested, "from Chicago, too. A +whole column--'Movements of Cereals.'" + +"Yes, and look at that for a nice attractive headline," responded the +Senator with sarcasm. "'Movements of Cereals!' Gives you a great idea of +pace, doesn't it? Why couldn't they have called it 'Grain on the Go'?" + +"Did Mr. McConnell get in for Mayor, or Jimmy Fagan?" I inquired, +looking down the column. + +"They don't seem to have asked anybody." + +"And who got the Post Office?" + +"Not there, not there, my child!" + +"Oh!" said momma at the window, "these little gray-stone villages are +too sweet for words. Why talk of Chicago? Mr. McConnell and Mr. Fagan +are all very well at home, but now that the ocean heaves between us, and +your political campaign is over, may we not forget them?" + +"Forget Mike McConnell and Jimmy Fagan!" replied the Senator, regarding +a passing church spire with an absent smile. "Well, no, Augusta; as far +as I'm concerned I'm afraid it couldn't be done--at all permanently. +There's too much involved. But I see what you mean about turning the +mind out to pasture when the grazing is interesting--getting in a cud, +so to speak, for reflection afterwards. I see your idea." + +The Senator is always business-like. He immediately addressed himself +through the other window to the appreciation of the scenery, and I felt, +as I took out my note-book to record one or two impressions, that he +would do it justice. + +"No, momma," I was immediately compelled to exclaim, "you mustn't look +over my shoulder. It is paralysing to the imagination." + +"Then I won't, dear. But oh, if you could only describe it as it is! The +ruined chateaux, tree-embosomed----" Momma paused. + +"The gray church spires, from which at eventide the Angelus comes +pealing--or stealing," she continued. "Perhaps 'stealing' is better." + +"Above all the poplars--the poplars are very characteristic, dear. And +the women toilers in the sunset fields garnering up the golden grain. +You might exclaim, 'Why are they always in blue?' Have you got that +down?" + +"They were making hay," poppa corrected. "But I suppose the public won't +know the difference, any more than you did." + +Momma leaned forward, clasping her smelling-bottle, and looked out of +the window with a smile of exaltation. + +"The cows," she went on, "the proud-legged Norman cows standing +knee-deep in the quiet pools. Have you got the cows down, dear?" + +The Senator, at the other window, looked across disparagingly, hard at +work on his beard. He said nothing, but after a time abruptly thrust his +hands in his pockets, and his feet out in front of him in a manner which +expressed absolute dissent. When momma said she thought she would try to +get a little sleep he looked round observantly, and as soon as her +slumber was sound and comfortable he beckoned to me. + +"See here," he said, not unkindly, argumentatively. "About those cows. +In fact, about all these pointers your mother's been giving you. They're +all very nice and poetic--I don't want to run down momma's ideas--but +they don't strike me as original. I won't say I could put my finger on +it, but I'm perfectly certain I've heard of the poplars and the women +field labourers of Normandy somewhere before. She doesn't do it on +purpose"--the Senator inclined his head with deprecation toward the +sleeping form opposite, and lowered his voice--"and I don't know that +I'd mention it to you under any other circumstances, but momma's a +fearful plagiarist. She doesn't hesitate anywhere. I've known her do it +to William Shakespeare and the Book of Job, let alone modern authors. In +dealing with her suggestions you want to be very careful. Otherwise +momma'll get you into trouble." + +I nodded with affectionate consideration. "I'll make a note of what you +say, Senator," I replied, and immediately, from motives of delicacy, we +changed the subject. As we talked, poppa told me in confidence how much +he expected of the democratic idea in Paris. He said that even the +short time we had spent in England was enough to enable him to detect +the subserviency of the lower classes there and to resent it, as a man +and a brother. He spoke sadly and somewhat bitterly of the manners of +the brother man who shaved him, which he found unjustifiably affable, +and of the inexcusable abasement of a British railway porter if you gave +him a shilling. He said he was glad to leave England, it was +demoralising to live there; you lost your sense of the dignity of +labour, and in the course of time you were almost bound to degenerate +into a swell. He expressed a good deal of sympathy with the aristocracy +on this account, concentrating his indignation upon those who, as it +were, made aristocrats of innocent human beings against their will. It +was more than he would have ventured to say in public, but in talking to +me poppa often mentions what a comfort it is to be his own mouthpiece. + +"The best thing about these tourists' tickets is," said the Senator as +we approached Paris, "that they entitle you to the use of an +interpreter. He is said to be found on all station platforms of +importance, and I presume he's standing there waiting for us now. I take +it we're at liberty to tap his knowledge of the language in any moment +of difficulty just as if it were our own." + +Ten minutes later the carriage doors were opening upon Paris, and the +Senator's eagle eye was searching the crowded platform for this +official. Our vague idea was that the interpreter would be a conspicuous +and permanent object like a nickle-in-the-slot machine, automatically +arranged to open his arms to tourists presenting the right tickets, and +emit conversation. When we finally detected him, by his cap, he was +shifting uneasily in the midst of a crowd of inquirers. His face was +pale, his beard pointed, his expression that of a person constantly +interrupted in many languages. The crowd was parting to permit him to +escape, when we filled up the available avenue and confronted him. + +"Are you the linguist that goes with our tickets?" asked the Senator. + +"I am ze interpretare yes, but weez ze tickets I go not, no. All-ways I +stay here in zis place, nowheres I go." He stood at bay, so to speak, +frowning fiercely as he replied, and then made another bolt for liberty, +but poppa laid a compelling hand upon his arm. + +"If it's all the same to you," said poppa, firmly, "I've got ladies with +me, and----" + +"Yes certainly you get presently your tronks. You see zat door beside +many people? Immediately it open you go and show ze customs man. You got +no duty thing, it is all right. You call one fiacre--carriage--and go at +your hotel." + +"Oh," exclaimed momma, "is there any charge on nerve tincture, please? +It's _entirely_ for my personal use." + +"It's _only_ on cigars and eau-de-Cologne, isn't it?" I entreated. + +"Which door did you say?" asked the Senator. "I'd be obliged if you +would speak more slowly. There's no cause for excitement. From here I +can see fourteen doors, and I saw our luggage go in by _this_ door." + +"You don't believe wat I say! Very well! All ze same it is zat door +beside all ze people wat want zere tronks!" + +"All right," said the Senator pacifically. "How you do boil over! I tell +you one thing, my friend," he added, as the interpreter washed his hands +of us, "you may be a necessity to the travelling public, but you're not +a luxury, in any sense of the word." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +The Senator, discovering to his surprise that the hotel clerk was a +lady, lifted his hat. He did not appear to be surprised, that wasn't the +Senator's way, but he forgot what he had to say, which proved it. While +he was hesitating she looked at him humorously and said "Good evening, +sir!" She was a florid person who wore this sense of humour between hard +blue eyes and an iron jaw. Momma took a passionate dislike to her on the +spot. + +"Oh, then you do," said poppa. "You parlay Anglay. That's a good thing +I'm sure, for I know mighty little Fransay. May I ask what sort of +accommodation you can give Mrs. Wick, Miss Wick, and myself for +to-night? Anything on the first floor?" + +"What rooms you require are one double one single, yes? Certainly. +Francois, _trente-cinq et trente-huit_." She handed Francois the keys +and her sense of humour disappeared in a smile which told poppa that he +might, if he liked, consider her a fine woman. He, wishing doubtless to +bask in it to the fullest extent, produced his book of tickets. + +"I expect you've seen these before," he said, apparently for the +pleasure of continuing the conversation. + +[Illustration: "I expect you've seen these before."] + +As her eye fell upon them a look of startled cynicism suddenly replaced +the smile. Her cynicism was paradoxical, she was so large, and sound and +wholesome, and the more irritating on this account. + +"You 'ave the coupons!" she exclaimed. "Ah-a-ah!" in a crescendo of +astonishment at our duplicity. "Then I 'ave made one mistake. Francois! +Those first floor rooms they are already taken. But on the third floor +are two good beautiful rooms. There is also the lift--you can use the +lift." + +"I can't dispute with a lady," said poppa, "but that is singular. I +should prefer those first floor rooms which were not taken until I +mentioned the coupons." + +"Sare!" + +The lady's eye was unflinching, and poppa quailed. He looked ashamed, as +if he had been caught in telling a story. They made a picture, as he +stood there pulling his beard, of American chivalry and Gallic guile, +which was almost pathetic. + +"Well," said he, "as it's necessary that Mrs. Wick should lie down as +soon as possible you might show us those third floor rooms." + +Then he recovered his dignity and glanced at Madame more in sorrow than +in anger. "Certainly, sare," she said severely. "Will you use the lift? +For the lift there is no sharge." + +"That," said the Senator, "is real liberal." In moments of emotion +poppa often dropped into an Americanism. "If it's a serious offer I +think we _will_ use the lift." + +At a nod from Madame, Francois went away to seek the man belonging to +the lift, and after a time returned with him. The lady produced another +key, with which the man belonging to the lift unlocked the door of the +brass cage which guarded it. + +"You must find strangers very dishonest, madam," said the Senator +courteously as we stepped inside, "to render such a precaution +necessary." + +But before we arrived at the third floor we were convinced that it was +unnecessary. It was not an elevator that the most burglarious would have +cared to take away. + +So many Americans surrounded the breakfast table next morning that we +might almost have imagined ourselves in Chicago. A small, young priest +with furtive brown eyes cowered at one of the side tables, and at +another a broad-shouldered, unsmiling lady, dressed in black, with brows +and a slight moustache to match, dispensed food to a sallow and +shrinking object of preternaturally serious aspect who seemed to be her +husband, and a little boy who kept an anxious eye on them both. They +were French, too, but all the people who sat up and down the long middle +table belonged to the United States of America. They were there in +groups and in families representing different localities and different +social positions--as momma said, you had only to look at their shoulder +seams; and each group or family received the advances of the next with +the polite tolerance, head a little on one side, which characterises us +when we don't know each other's business standing or church membership; +but the tide of conversation which ebbed and flowed had a flavour which +made the table a geographical unit. I say "flavour," because there was +certainly something, but I am now inclined to think with Mr. Page that +"accent" is rather too strong a word to describe it. At all events, the +gratification of hearing it after his temporary exile in Great Britain +almost brought tears to the Senator's eyes. There were only three vacant +places, and, as we took them, making the national circle complete, a +little smile wavered round the table. It was a proud, conscious smile; +it indicated that though we might not be on terms of intimacy we +recognised ourselves to be immensely and uniformly American, and +considerably the biggest fraction of the travelling public. As poppa +said, the prevailing feeling was also American. As he was tucking his +napkin into his waistcoat, and ordering our various breakfasts, the +gentleman who sat next to him listened--he could not help it--fidgetted, +and finally, with some embarrassment, spoke. + +"I don't know, sir," he said, "whether you're aware of it--I presume +you're a stranger, like myself--but all they _allow_ for what they call +breakfast in this hotel is tea or coffee, rolls, and butter; everything +else is charged extra." + +Poppa was touched. As he said to me afterward, who but an American +would have taken the trouble to tell a stranger a thing like that! Not +an Englishman, certainly--he would see you bankrupt first! He disguised +his own sophistication, and said he was very much obliged, and he almost +apologised for not being able to take advantage of the information, and +stick to coffee and rolls. + +"But the fact is," he said in self-defence, "we may get back for lunch +and we may not." + +"That's all right," the gentleman replied with distinct relief. "I +didn't mind the omelette or the sole, but when it came to fried chicken +and strawberries I just had to speak out. You going to make a long stay +in Paris?" + +As they launched to conversation momma and I glanced at each other with +mutual congratulation. It was at last obvious that the Senator was going +to enjoy his European experiences; we had been a little doubtful about +it. Left to ourselves, we discussed our breakfast and the waiters, the +only French people we could see from where we sat, and expressed our +annoyance, which was great, at being offered tooth-picks. I was so +hungry that it was only when I asked for a third large roll that I +noticed momma regarding me with mild disapproval. + +"I fear," she said with a little sigh, "that you are thinking very +little of what is past and gone, love." + +"Momma," I replied, "don't spoil my breakfast." When momma can throw an +emotional chill over anything, I never knew her to refrain. "I _should_ +like that _garcon_ to bring me some more bread," I continued. + +Momma sighed even more deeply. "You may have part of mine," she replied, +breaking it with a gesture that said such callousness she could not +understand. Her manner for the next few minutes expressed distinctly +that she, at least, meant to do her duty by Arthur. + +Presently from the other side of poppa came the words, "_Not_ Wick of +Chicago!" + +"I guess I can't deny it," said poppa. + +"Senator Wick?" + +Poppa lowered his voice. "If it's all the same to you," he said, "not +for the present. Just plain Joshua P. Wick. I'm not what you call +travelling incognito, do you see, but, so far as the U.S. Senate is +concerned, I haven't got it with me." + +"Well, sir, I won't mention it again. But all the same, if I may be +allowed to say so, I am pleased to meet you, sir--very pleased. I +suppose they wired you that Mike McConnell's got the Post Office." + +Poppa held out his hand in an instant of speechless gratitude. "Sir," he +said, "they did not. Put it there. I said no wires and no letters, and +I've been sorry for it ever since. Momma," he continued, "daughter, +allow me to present to you Mr.?--Mr. Malt, who has heard by cablegram +that our friend Mr. McConnell is Postmaster-General of Chicago." + +Momma was grateful, too, though she expressed it somewhat more +distantly. Momma has a great deal of manner with strangers; it sometimes +completely disguises her real feeling toward them. I was also grateful, +though I merely bowed, and kicked the Senator under the table. Nobody +would have guessed from our outward bearing the extent to which our +political fortunes, as a family, were mixed up with Mike McConnell's. +Mr. Malt immediately said that if there was anything else he could do +for us he was at our service. + +"Well," said poppa, "I suppose there's a good deal of intrinsic interest +in this town--relics of Napoleon, the Bon Marche, and so on--and we've +got to see it. I must say," he added, turning to momma, "I feel +considerably more equal to it now." + +"It will take you a good long week," said Mr. Malt earnestly, "to begin +to have an idea of it. You might spend two whole days in the Louvre +itself. Is your time limited?" + +"I don't need to tell any American the market value of it," said poppa +smiling. + +"Then you can't do better than go straight to the Louvre. I'd be pleased +to accompany you, only I've got to go round and see our Ambassador--I've +got a little business with him. I daresay you know that one of our +man-of-war ships is lying right down here in the Seine river. Well, the +captain is giving a reception to-morrow in honour of the Russian Admiral +who happens to be there, too. I've got ladies with me and I wrote for +four tickets. Did I get the four tickets--or two of them--or one? No, +sir, I got a letter in the third person singular saying it wasn't a +public entertainment! I wrote back to say I guessed it was an American +entertainment, and he could expect me, all the same. He hadn't any sort +of excuse--my name and business address were on my letter paper. Now I'm +just going round to see what a United States Ambassador's for, in this +connection." + +Mr. Malt rose and the waiter withdrew his chair. "Thank you, _garcon_," +said he. "I'm coming back again--do you understand? This is not my last +meal," and the waiter bowed as if that were a statement which had to be +acknowledged, but was of the least possible consequence to him +personally. "Well, Mr. Wick," continued Mr. Malt, brushing the crumbs +from his waistcoat, "I'll say good morning, and to your ladies also. I'm +very pleased to have met you." + +"Well," said momma, as he disappeared, "if every American in Paris has +decided to go to that reception there won't be much room for the +Russians." + +"I suppose he's a voter and a tax-payer, and he's got his feelings," +replied poppa. The Senator would defend a voter and a tax-payer against +any imputation not actually criminal. + +"I'm glad I'm not one of his lady-friends," momma continued. "I don't +think I _could_ make myself at home on that man-of-war under the +circumstances. But I daresay he'll drag them there with him. He seems to +be just that kind of a man." + +"He's a very patriotic kind of a man," replied the Senator. "It's his +patriotism, don't you see, that's giving him all this trouble. It's been +outraged. Personally I consider Mr. Malt a very intelligent gentleman, +and if he'd given me an opening as big as the eye of a needle I'm the +camel that would have gone with him, Augusta." + +This statement of the Senator's struck me as something to be acted upon. +If there was to be a constant possibility of his going off with any +chance American in regular communication with the United States, our +European tour would be a good deal less interesting than I had been led +to expect. While momma was getting ready for the Louvre, therefore, I +stepped down to the office and wired our itinerary to his partner in +Chicago. "Keep up daily communication by wire in detail," I telegraphed, +"forward copies all important letters care Peters." Peters was the +tourist agent who had undertaken to bless our comings and goings. I said +nothing whatever to poppa, but I felt a glow of conscious triumph when I +thought of Mr. Malt. + +We stood and realised Paris on the pavement while the fiacre turned in +from the road and drew up for us. I had every intention of being +fascinated and so had momma. We had both heard often and often that good +Americans when they die go to Paris, and that prepares one for a good +deal in this life. We were so anxious to be pleased that we fastened +with one accord upon the florist's shop under the hotel and said that it +was uniquely charming, though we both knew places in Broadway that it +couldn't be compared with. We looked amiably at the passers-by, and did +our best to detect in the manner of their faces that _esprit_ that makes +the dialogue of French novels so stimulating. What I usually thought I +saw when they looked at us was a leisurely indifferentism ornamented +with the suspicion of a sneer, and based upon a certain fundamental +acquisitiveness and ability to make a valuation that acknowledged the +desirability of our presence on business grounds, if not on personal +ones. It seemed to be a preconcerted public intention to make as much +noise in a given space as possible--we spoke of the cheerfulness of it, +stopping our ears. The cracking of the drivers' whips alone made a _feu +de joie_ that never ceased, and listening to it we knew that we ought to +feel happy and elated. The driver of our fiacre was fat and rubicund, he +wore a green coat, brass buttons, and a shiny top hat, and looked as if +he drank constantly. His jollity was perfunctory, I know, and covered a +grasping nature, but it was very well imitated, like everything in +Paris. As he whirled us, with a whip-report like a pistol-shot, into the +train of traffic in the middle of the street, we felt that we were +indeed in the city of appearances; and I put down in my mind, not having +my note-book, that Paris lives up to its photographs. + +"We mustn't forget our serious object, dear," said momma, as we rolled +over the cobblestones--"our literary object. What shall we note this +morning? The broad streets, the elegant shops--_do_ look at that one! +Darling, is it absolutely necessary to go to the Louvre this morning? +There are some things we really need." + +Momma addressed the Senator. I mentioned to her once that her way of +doing it was almost English in its demonstrativeness, and my other +parent told me privately he wished I hadn't--it aggravated it so. + +"Augusta," said poppa, firmly, "I understand your feeling. I take a +human interest in those stores myself, which I do not expect this +picture gallery, etc., to inspire in me. But there the Louvre _is_, you +see, and it's got to be done. If we spent our whole time in this city in +mere pleasure and amusement, you would be the first to reproach +yourself, Augusta." + +A few minutes later, when we had crossed the stone quadrangle and +mounted the stairs, and stood with our catalogue in the Salle Lacaze, +momma said that she wouldn't have missed it for anything. She sank +ecstatic upon a bench, and gave to every individual picture upon the +opposite wall the tribute of her intensest admiration. It was a pleasure +to see her enjoying herself so much; and poppa and I vainly tried to +keep up to her with the catalogue. + +"Oh, why haven't we such things in Chicago!" she exclaimed, at which the +Senator checked her mildly. + +"It's a mere question of time," said he. "It isn't reasonable to expect +Pre-Raphaelites in a new country. But give us three or four hundred +years, and we'll produce old masters which, if you ladies will excuse +the expression, will knock the spots out of the Middle Ages." Poppa is +such an optimist about Chicago. + +The Senator went on in a strain of criticism of the pictures perfectly +moderate and kindly--nothing he wouldn't have said to the artists +themselves--until momma interrupted him. "Don't you think we might be +silent for a time, Alexander," she said. + +Momma does call him Alexander sometimes. I didn't like to mention it +before, but it can't be concealed for ever. She says it's because Joshua +always costs her an effort, and every woman ought to have the right to +name her own husband. + +"Let us offer to all this genius," she continued, indicating it, "the +tribute of sealing our lips." + +The Senator will always oblige. "Mine are sealed, Augusta," he replied, +and so we sat in silence for the next ten minutes. But I could see by +his expression, in connection with the angle at which his hat was +tipped, that he was comparing the productions before him with the future +old masters of Chicago, and wishing it were possible to live long enough +to back Chicago. + +"How they do sink in!" said momma at last. "How they sink into the +soul!" + +"They do," replied the Senator. "I don't deny it. But I see by the +catalogue, counting Salles and Salons and all, there's seventeen rooms +full of them. If they're all to sink in, for my part I'll have to +enlarge the premises. And we've been here three-quarters of an hour +already, and life is short, Augusta." + +So we moved on where the imperishable faces of Greuze and Velasquez and +Rembrandt smiled and frowned and wondered at us. As poppa said, it was +easy to see that these people had ideas, and were simply longing to +express them. "You feel sorry for them," he said, "just as you feel +sorry for an intelligent terrier. But these poor things can't even wag +their tails! Just let me know when you've had enough, Augusta." + +Momma declared, with an accent of reproach, that she could never have +enough. I noticed, however, that we did not stay in the second room as +long as in the first one, and that our progress was steadily +accelerating. Presently the Senator asked us to sit down for a few +minutes while he should leave us. + +"There's a picture here Bramley said I was to see without fail," he +explained. "It's called 'Mona Lisa,' and it's by an artist by the name +of Leonardo da Vinci. Bramley said it was a very fine painting, but I +don't remember just now whether he said it was what you might call a +picture for the family or not. I'll just go and ascertain," said the +Senator. "Judging from some of the specimens here, oil paintings in the +Middle Ages weren't intended to be chromo-lithographed." + +In his absence momma and I discussed French cookery as far as we had +experienced it, in detail, with prodigious yawns for which we did not +even apologise. Poppa was gone a remarkably short time and came back +radiant. "I've found Mona," he exclaimed, "and--she's all right. Bramley +said it was the most remarkable portrait of a woman in the +world--looking at it, Bramley said, you become insensible to +everything--forget all about your past life and future hopes--and I +guess he's about right. Come and see it." + +Momma arose without enthusiasm, and I thought I detected adverse +criticism in advance in her expression. + +"Here she is," said the Senator presently. "Now look at that! Did you +ever see anything more intellectual and cynical, and contemptuous and +sweet, all in one! Lookin' at you as much as to say, 'Who are you, +anyhow, from way back in the State of Illinois--commercial traveller? +And what do you pretend to know?'" + +Momma regarded the portrait for a moment in calm disapprobation. "I +daresay she was very clever," she said at length, "but if you wish to +know my opinion I _don't think much of her_. And before taking us to see +another female portrait, Mr. Wick, I should be obliged if you would take +the precaution of finding out _who she was_." + +After which we drove quietly home. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +Poppa decided that we had better go to Versailles by Cook's +four-in-hand. There were other ways of going, but he thought we might as +well take the most distinguished. He was careful to explain that the +mere grandeur of this method of transportation had no weight with him; +he was compelled to submit to the ostentation of it for another purpose +which he had in view. + +"I am not a person," said poppa, "nor is any member of my family, to +thrust myself into aristocratic circles in foreign lands; but when an +opportunity like this occurs for observing them without prejudice, so to +speak, I believe in taking it." + +We went to the starting place early, so as to get good seats, for, as +momma said, the whole of the Parisian _elite_ with the President thrown +in wouldn't induce her to ride with her back to the horses. In that +position she would be incapable of observation. + +The coaches were not there when we arrived, and presently the Senator +discovered why. He told us with a slightly depressed air that they had +gone round to the hotels. "Daughter," he said to me, "J.P. Wicks does +hate to make a fool of himself, and this morning he's done it twice +over. The best seats will go to the people who had the sense to stay at +their hotels, and the fact that the coaches go round shows that they run +for tourist traffic only. There won't be a Paris aristocrat among them," +continued poppa gloomily, "nary an aristocrat." + +When they came up we saw that there wasn't. The coaches were full of +tourist traffic. It was mounted on the box seats very high up, where it +looked conspicuously happy, and sounded a little hysterical; and it was +packed, tight and warm and anticipant into every available seat. From +its point of vantage, secured by waiting at the hotel for it, the +tourist traffic looked down upon the Wick family on the pavement, in +irritating compassion. As momma said, if we hadn't taken our tickets it +was enough to have sent us to the Bon Marche. + +A man in a black frock coat and white shirt cuffs came bareheaded from +the office and pointed us out to the interpreter, who wore brass +buttons. The interpreter appeared to mention it to the guide, who wiped +his perspiring brows under a soft brown felt hat. A fiacre crawled round +the corner and paused to look on, and the Senator said, "Now which of +you three gentlemen is responsible for my ride to Versailles?" + +The interpreter looked at him with a hostile expression, the guide made +a gesture of despair at the volume of tourist traffic, and the man with +the shirt cuffs said, "You 'ave took your plazes on ze previous day?" + +"I took them from you ten minutes ago," poppa replied. "What a memory +you've got!" + +"Zen zare is nothings guaranteed. But we will send special carriage, and +be'ind you can follow up," and he indicated the fiacre which had now +drawn into line. + +"I don't think so," said poppa, "when I buy four-in-hand tickets I don't +take one-in-hand accommodation." + +"You will not go in ze private carriage?" + +"I will not." + +"_Mais_--it is much ze preferable." + +"I don't know why I should contradict you," said poppa, but at that +moment the difficulty was solved by the Misses Bingham. + +"Guide!" cried one of the Misses Bingham, beckoning with her fan, "_Nous +voulons a descendre!_" + +"You want get out?" + +"_Oui!_" replied the Misses Bingham with simultaneous dignity, and, as +the guide merely wiped his forehead again, poppa stepped forward. "Can I +assist you?" he said, and the Misses Bingham allowed themselves to be +assisted. They were small ladies, dressed in black pongee silk, with +sloping shoulders, and they each carried a black fan and a brocaded bag +for odds and ends. They were not plain-looking, and yet it was readily +seen why nobody had ever married them; they had that look of the +predestined single state that you sometimes see even among the very well +preserved. One of them had an eye-glass, but it was easy to note even +when she was not wearing it that she was a person of independent income, +of family, and of New York. + +"We are quite willing," said the Misses Bingham, "to exchange our seats +in the coach for yours in the special carriage, if that arrangement +suits you." + +"_Bon!_" interposed the guide, "and opposite there is one other place if +that fat gentleman will squeeze himself a little--eh?" + +"Come along!" said the fat gentleman equably. + +"But I couldn't think of depriving you ladies." + +"Sir," said one Miss Bingham, "it is no deprivation." + +"We should prefer it," added the other Miss Bingham. They spoke with +decision; one saw that they had not reached middle age without knowing +their own minds all the way. + +"To tell the truth," added the Miss Bingham without the eye-glass in a +low voice, "we don't think we can stand it." + +"I don't precisely take you, madam," said the Senator politely. + +"I'm an American," she continued. + +Poppa bowed. "I should have known you for a daughter of the Stars and +Stripes anywhere," he said in his most complimentary tone. + +Miss Bingham looked disconcerted for an instant and went on. "My great +grandfather was A.D.C. to General Washington. I've got that much reason +to be loyal." + +"There couldn't have been many such officers," the Senator agreed. + +"But when I go abroad I don't want the whole of the United States to +come with me." + +"It takes the gilt off getting back for you?" suggested poppa a little +stiffly. + +Miss Bingham failed to take the hint. "We find Europe infested with +Americans," she continued. "It disturbs one's impressions so. And the +travelling American invariably belongs to the very _least_ desirable +class." + +"Now I shouldn't have thought so," said the Senator, with intentional +humour. But it was lost upon Miss Bingham. + +"Well, if you like them," said the other one, "you'd better go in the +coach." + +The Senator lifted his hat. "Madam," he said, "I thank you for giving to +me and mine the privilege of visiting a very questionable scene of the +past in the very best society of the present." + +And as the guide was perspiring more and more impatiently, we got in. + +For some moments the Senator sat in silence, reflecting upon this +sentiment, with an occasionally heaving breast. Circumstances forbade +his talking about it, but he cast an eye full of criticism upon the +fiacre rolling along far in the rear, and remarked, with a fervor most +unusual, that he hoped they liked our dust. We certainly made a great +deal of it. Momma and I, looking at our fellow travellers, at once +decided that the Misses Bingham had been a little hasty. The fat +gentleman, who wore a straw hat very far back, and meant to enjoy +himself, was certainly our fellow-citizen. So was his wife, and +brother-in-law. So were a bride and bridegroom on the box seat--nothing +less than the best of everything for an American honeymoon--and so was a +solitary man with a short cut bristly beard, a slouch hat, a pink cotton +shirt, and a celluloid collar. But there was an indescribable something +about all the rest that plainly showed they had never voted for a +president or celebrated a Fourth of July. I was still revolving it in my +mind when the fat gentleman, who had been thinking of the same thing, +said to his neighbour on the other side, a person of serious appearance +in a black silk hat, apropos of the line he had crossed by, "I may be +wrong, but I shouldn't have put you down to be an American." + +"Oh, I guess I am," replied the serious man, "but not the United States +kind." + +"British North," suggested the fat gentleman, with a smile that +acknowledged Her Majesty. "First cousin once removed," and momma and I +looked at one another intelligently. We had nothing against Canadians, +except that they generally talk as if they had the whole of the St. +Lawrence river and Niagara Falls in a perpetual lease from +Providence--and we had never seen so many of them together before. The +coach was three-quarters full of these foreigners, if the Misses +Bingham had only known; but as poppa afterwards said, they were probably +not foreign enough. It may have been imagination, but I immediately +thought I saw a certain meekness, a habit of deference--I wanted to +incite them all to treat the Guelphs as we did. Just then we stopped +before the church of St. Augustin, and the guide came swinging along the +outside of the coach hoarsely emitting facts. Everybody listened +intently, and I noticed upon the Canadian countenances the same +determination to be instructed that we always show ourselves. We all +meant to get the maximum amount of information for the price, and I +don't think any of us have forgotten that the site of St. Augustin is +three-cornered and its dome resembles a tiara to this day. For a moment +I was sorry for the Misses Bingham, who were absorbing nothing but dust; +but, as momma said, they looked very well informed. + +It must be admitted that we were a little shy with the guide--we let him +bully us. As poppa said, he was certainly well up in his subject, but +that was no reason why he should have treated us as if we had all come +from St. Paul or Kansas City. There was a condescension about him that +was not explained by the state of his linen, and a familiarity that I +had always supposed confined exclusively to the British aristocracy +among themselves. He had a red face and a blue eye, with which he looked +down on us with scarcely concealed contempt, and he was marvellously +agile, distributing his information as open street-car conductors +collect fares. + +"They seem extremely careful of their herbage in this town," remarked +the serious man, and we noticed that it was so. Precautions were taken +in wire that would have dissuaded a grasshopper from venturing on it. It +grew very neatly inside, doubtless with a certain _chic_, but it had a +look of being put on for the occasion that was essentially Parisian. +Also the trees grew up out of iron plates, which was uncomfortable, +though, no doubt, highly finished, and the flowers had a _cachet_ about +them which made one think of French bonnets. As we rolled into the Bois +it became evident that the guide had something special to communicate. +He raised his voice and coughed, in a manner which commanded instant +attention. + +"Ladies--and genelmen," he said--he always added the gentleman as if +they were an after-thought--"you are mos' fortunate, mos' locky. _Tout +Paris_--all the folks--are still driving their 'orse an' carriage 'ere. +One week more--the style will be all gone--what you say--vamoosed? Every +mother's son! An' Cook's excursion party won't see nothin' but ole cabs +goin' along!" + +"Can't we get away from them?" asked the serious person. It was +humorously intended--certainly a liberty, and the guide was down on it +in an instant. + +"Get away from them? Not if they know you're here!" + +At which the serious man looked still more serious, and sympathy for +him sprang up in every heart. + +We passed Longchamps at a steady trot, and the guide's statement that +the races there were always held on Sunday was received with a silence +that evidently disappointed him. It was plain that he had a withering +rejoinder ready for sabbatarians, and he waited anxiously, balanced on +one foot, for an expression of shocked opinion. It was after we had +passed Mont Valerien, frowning on the horizon, that the man in the pink +cotton shirt began to grow restive under so much instruction. He told +the serious person that his name was Hinkson of Iowa, and the serious +person was induced to reply that his was Pabbley of Simcoe, Ontario. It +was insubordination--the guide was talking about the shelling from Mont +Valerien at the time, with the most patriotic dislocations in his +grammar. + +"You understan', you see?" he concluded. "Now those two genelmen, they +_don'_ understan', and they _don'_ see. An' when they get back to the +United States they won' be able to tell their wives an' sweethearts +anythin' about Mont Valerien! All right, genelmen--please yourselves. +_Mais_ you please remember I am just like William Shekspeare--I give no +_repetition_!" + +It was then that the serious man demonstrated that Britons, even the +North American kind, never, never would be slaves. Placing his black +silk hat carefully a little further back on his head, he leaned forward. + +"Now look here, mister," he said, "you're as personal as a Yankee +newspaper. So far as I know, you're not the friend of my childhood, nor +the companion of my later years, except for this trip only, and I'd just +as soon you realised it. As far as I know, you're paid to point out +objects of historical interest. Don't you trouble to entertain us any +further than that. We'll excuse you!" + +"Ladies--an' genelmen," continued the guide calmly, "in a lil' short +while we shall be approached to the town of St. Cloud. At that town of +St. Cloud will be one genelman will take the excellen' group--fotograff. +To appear in that fotograff, you will please all keep together with me. +Afterwards, you will look at the fountains, at the magnificent panorama +de Paris, and we go on to Versailles. On the return journey, if you like +that fotograff you can buy, if you don't like, you don' buy. An' if you +got no wife an' no sweetheart all the same you keep your temper!" + +But Mr. Pabbley had settled his hat in its normal position and did not +intend to clear his brow for action again. All might have gone well, had +it not been for the patriotic sensitiveness of Mr. Hinkson of Iowa. + +"I think I heard you pass a remark about American newspapers, sir," said +Mr Hinkson of Iowa. "Think you've got any better in Canada?" + +Mr. Pabbley smiled. There may have been some fancied superiority in the +smile. + +"I guess they suit us better," he said. + +"Got any circulation figures about you?" + +"Not being an advertising agent, I don't carry them." + +"I see!" Mr. Hinkson's manner of saying he saw clearly implied that +there might have been other reasons why Mr. Pabbley declined to produce +those figures. We were all listening now, and the guide had subsided +upon the box seat. The Senator's face wore the judicial expression it +always assumes when he has a difficulty in keeping himself out of the +conversation. It became easier than ever to separate the Republican and +the British elements on that coach. + +"Well," said Mr. Hinkson, "don't you folks get pretty tired of paying +Victoria taxes sometimes?" + +The British contingent seemed to find this amusing. The Americans looked +as if it were no laughing matter. + +"I don't believe Her Majesty is much the richer for all she gets out of +us," said Mr. Pabbley. + +"Oh, I guess you send over a pretty good lump per annum, don't you?" + +"Not a red cent, sir," said Mr. Pabbley decisively. "We run our own +show." + +"What about that aristocrat that rules the country up at Ottawa?" + +"Oh, _he_ hasn't got any say! We get him out and pay him a salary to +save ourselves the trouble of electing a president. A presidential +election's bad for business, bad for politics, bad for morals." + +"You seem to know. Doesn't it ever make you tired to hear yourselves +called subjects? Don't you ever want to be free and equal, like us? +Trot out the truth now--the George Washington article!" + +"Mister," said Mr. Pabbley, "I flatter myself that Canadians are a good +deal like United States folks already, and I don't mind congratulating +both our nations on the resemblance. But I'm bound to add that, while I +would wish to imitate the American people in many ways still further, I +wouldn't be like you personally, no, not under any circumstances nor in +any respect." + +At this moment it was necessary to dismount, and, as poppa and I both +immediately became engaged in reconciling momma to the necessity of +walking to the top of the plateau, I lost the rest of the conversation. +Momma, when it was necessary to walk anywhere, always became pathetic +and offered to stay behind alone. She declared on this occasion that she +would be perfectly happy in the coach with the dear horses, and poppa +had to resort to extreme measures. "Please yourself, Augusta," he said. +"Your lightest whim is law to me, and you know it. But I'm going to hate +standing up in that photograph all alone with my only child, like any +widower." + +"Alexander!" exclaimed momma at once. "What a dreadful idea! I think I +might be able to manage it." + +The photographer was there with his camera. The guide marshalled us up +to him, falling back now and then to bark at the heels of the lagging +ones, and, with the assistance of a bench and an acacia, we were rapidly +arranged, the short ones standing up, the tall ones sitting down, +everyone assuming his most pleasing expression, and the Misses Bingham +standing alone, apart, on the brink, looking on under an umbrella that +seemed to protect them from intimate association with the democracy in +any form. We saw the guide approach them in gingerly inquiry, but, +before simultaneous waves of their two black fans, he retired in +disorder. The bride had slipped her hand upon her husband's shoulder, +just to mark his identity; the fat gentleman had removed his hat and +hurriedly put it on again, and the photographer had gone under his +curtain for the third time, when Mr. Hinkson of Iowa, who sat in a +conspicuous cross-legged position in the foreground, drew from his +pocket a handkerchief and spread it carefully out over one knee. It was +not an ordinary handkerchief, it was a pocket edition of the Stars and +Stripes, all red, and blue, and white, and it attracted the instant +attention of every eye. One of the eyes was Mr. Pabbley's, who appeared +to clear the group at a bound in consequence. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Pabbley with vehemence, "does +anyone happen to have a Union Jack about him or her?" + +They felt in their pockets, but they hadn't. + +"Then," said Mr. Pabbley, who was evidently aroused, "unless the +gentleman from Iowa will withdraw his handkerchief, I refuse to sit." + +"I guess we aren't any of us annexationists," said a middle-aged woman +from Toronto in a duster, and proceeded to follow Mr. Pabbley. + +The rest of the Canadians looked at each other undecidedly for a moment +and then slowly filed after the middle-aged woman. There remained the +mere wreck of a group clustering round the national emblem on the leg of +Mr. Hinkson. The guide was expostulating himself speechless, the +photographer was in convulsions, the Senator saw it was time to +interfere. Leaning over, he gently tapped the patriot from Iowa on the +shoulder. + +"Aren't you satisfied with the sixty million fellow-citizens you've got +already," said poppa, "that you want to grab nine half-starved Canucks +with a hand camera?" + +"They're in the majority here," said Mr. Hinkson fiercely, "and I dare +any one of 'em to touch that flag. Go along over there and join 'em if +you like--they're goin' to be done by themselves--to send to Queen +Victoria!" + +But that was further than anybody would go, even in defence of +cosmopolitanism. The Republic rallied round Mr. Hinkson's leg, while the +Dominion with much dignity supported Mr. Pabbley. As momma said, human +nature is perfectly extraordinary. + +For the rest of the journey to Versailles there was hardly any +international conversation. Mr. Hinkson tied his handkerchief round his +neck, and the Canadians tried to look as if they had no objection. We +passed through the villages of Montretout and Buze. I know we did +because momma took down the names, but I fancy they couldn't have +differed much from the general landscape, for I don't remember a thing +about them. The Misses Bingham came and sat next us at luncheon, which +flattered both momma and me immensely, though the Senator didn't seem +able to see where the distinction came in, and during this meal they +pointed out the fact that Mr. Hinkson was drinking lemonade with his +roast mutton, and asked us how we _could_ travel with such a +combination. I remember poppa said that it was a combination that Mr. +Hinkson and Mr. Hinkson only had to deal with, but momma and I felt the +obloquy of it a good deal, though when we came to think of it we were no +more responsible for Mr. Hinkson than the Misses Bingham were. After +that, walking rapidly behind the guide, we covered centuries of French +history, illustrated by chairs and tables and fire-irons and chandeliers +and four-post beds. Momma told me afterwards that she was rather sorry +she had taken me with the guide through Madame du Barry's fascinating +Petit Trianon, the things he didn't say sounded so improper, but when I +assured her that it was only contemporary scandal that had any effect on +our morals, she said she supposed that was so, and somehow one never did +expect people who wore curled wigs and knee-breeches to behave quite +prettily. The rooms were dotted with groups of people who had come in +fiacres or by tramway, which made it difficult for the guide to impart +his information only to those who had paid for it. He generally +surmounted this by saying, "Ladies and genelmen, I want you to stick +closer than brothers. When you hear me a-talkin' don' you go turnin' +over your Baedekers and lookin' out of the window. If I didn't know a +great big sight more about Versailles than Baedeker does I wouldn't be +here makin' a clown of myself; an' I'll show you the view out of the +window all in good time. You see that lady an' two genelmen over there? +_They're_ listenin' all right enough because they don't belong to this +party an' they want to get a little information cheap price. All +right--I let 'em have it!" At which the lady and two gentlemen usually +melted away looking annoyed. + +We were fascinated with the coaches of state and much impressed with the +cost of them. As momma said, it took so very _little_ imagination to +conjure up a Royal Philip inside bowing to the populace. + +"What a pity we couldn't have had them over!" said poppa indiscreetly. + +"Where you mean?" demanded the guide, "over to America? I know--for that +ole Chicago show! You are the five hundred American who has said that to +me this summer! Number five hundred! Nossir, we don't lend those +carriage. We don't even drive them ourself." + +"No more kings and queens nowadays," remarked Mr. Hinkson, "this +century's got no use for them." + +I think the guide was a Monarchist. "Nossir," he said, "you don't see no +more kings an' queens of France, but you do see a good many people +travellin' that's nothin' like so good for trade." + +At which Mr. Pabbley's eye sought that of the guide, and expressed its +appreciation in a marked and joyous wink. + +In the Palace, especially in the picture rooms, there were generally +benches along the walls. When momma observed this she arranged that she +should go on ahead and sit down and get the impression, while poppa and +I caught up from time to time with the guide and the information. The +guide was quite agreeable about it, when it was explained to him. + +He was either a very thoughtless or a very insincere person, however. +Stopping before the portrait of an officer in uniform, he drew us all +together. The Canadians, headed by Mr. Pabbley, were well to the fore, +and it was to them in particular that he appeared to address himself +when he said, "Take a good look at this picture, ladies and genelmen. +There is a man wat lives in your 'istory an', if I may say, in your +'art--as he does in ours. There's a man, ladies and genelmen, that +helped you on to liberty. Take a good look at 'im, you'll be glad to +remember it afterward." + +And it was General Lafayette! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +It was after dinner and we were sitting in the little courtyard of the +hotel in the dark without our hats--that is, momma and I; the Senator +was seldom altogether without his hat. I think he would have felt it to +be a little indecent. The courtyard was paved, and there were flowers on +the stand in the middle of it, natural palms and artificial begonias +mixed with the most annoying cleverness, and little tables for coffee +cups or glasses were scattered about. Outside beyond the hotel vestibule +one could see and hear Paris rolling by in the gaslight. It was the only +place in the hotel that did not smell of furniture, so we frequented it. +So did Mr. Malt and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. That +was chiefly how we made the acquaintance of the Malt party. You can't +very well sit out in the dark in a foreign capital with a family from +your own State and not get to know them. Besides poppa never could +overcome his feeling of indebtedness to Mr. Malt. They were taking +Emmeline abroad for her health. She was the popular thirteen-year-old +only child of American families, and she certainly was thin. I remember +being pleased, sometimes, considering her in her typical capacity, that +I once had a little brother, though he died before I was born. + +The two gentlemen were smoking; we could see nothing but the ends of +their cigars glowing in their immediate vicinity. Momma was saying that +the situation was very romantic, and Mr. Malt had assured her that it +was nothing to what we would experience in Italy. "That's where you +_get_ romance," said Mr. Malt, and his cigar end dropped like a falling +star as he removed the ash. "Italy's been romantic ever since B.C. All +through the time the rest of the world was inventing Magna Chartas and +Doomsday Books, and Parliaments, and printing presses, and steam +engines, Italy's gone right on turning out romance. Result is, a better +quality of that article to be had in Italy to-day than anywhere else. +Further result, twenty million pounds spent there annually by tourists +from all parts of the civilised world. Romance, like anything else, can +be made to pay." + +"Are we likely to find the beds----" began Mrs. Malt plaintively. + +"Oh dear yes, Mrs. Malt!" interrupted momma, who thought everything +entomological extremely indelicate. "Perfectly. You have only to go to +the hotels the guide-books recommend, and everything will be quite +_propre_." + +"Well," said Emmeline, "they may be _propre_ in Italy, but they're not +_propre_ in Paris. We had to speak to the housemaid yesterday morning, +didn't we, mother? Don't you remember the back of my neck?" + +"We all suffered!" declared Mrs. Malt. + +"And I _showed_ one to her, mother, and all she would say was, '_Jamais +ici, mademoiselle, ici, jamais!_' And there it _was_ you know." + +"Emmeline," said her father, "isn't it about time for you to want to go +to bed?" + +"Not by about three hours. I'm going to get up a little music first. Do +you play, Mis' Wick?" + +Momma said she didn't, and Miss Malt disappeared in search of other +performers. "Don't you go asking strangers to play, Emmeline," her +mother called after her. "They'll think it forward of you." + +"When Emmeline leaves us," said her father, "I always have a kind of +abandoned feeling, like a top that's got to the end of its spin." + +There was silence for a moment, and then the Senator said he thought he +could understand that. + +"Well," continued Mr. Malt, "you've had three whole days now. I presume +you're beginning to know your way around." + +"I think we may say we've made pretty good use of our time," responded +the Senator. "This morning we had a look in at the Luxembourg picture +gallery, and the Madeleine, and Napoleon's Tomb, and the site of the +Bastile. This afternoon we took a run down to Notre Dame Cathedral. +That's a very fine building, sir." + +"You saw the Morgue, of course, when you were in that direction," +remarked Mr. Malt. + +"Why no," poppa confessed, "we haven't taken much of liking for live +Frenchmen, up to the present, and I don't suppose dead ones would be any +more attractive." + +"Oh, there's nothing unpleasant," said Mrs. Malt, "nothing that you can +_notice_." + +"Nothing at all," said Mr. Malt. "They refrigerate them, you know. We +send our beef to England by the same process----" + +"There are people," the Senator interrupted, "who never can see anything +amusing in a corpse." + +"They don't let you in as a matter of course," Mr. Malt went on. "You +have to pretend that you're looking for a relation." + +"We had to mention Uncle Sammy," said Mrs. Malt. + +"An uncle of Mis' Malt's who went to California in '49 and was never +heard of afterward," Mr. Malt explained. "First use he's ever been to +his family. Well, there they were, seven of 'em, lying there looking at +you yesterday. All in good condition. I was told they have a place +downstairs for the older ones." + +"Alexander," said momma faintly, "I think I _should_ like a little +brandy in my coffee. Were there--were there any ladies among them, Mr. +Malt?" + +"Three," Mr. Malt responded briskly, "and one of them had her hair----" + +"Then _please_ don't tell us about them," momma exclaimed, and the +silence that ensued was one of slight indignation on the part of the +Malt family. + +"You been seeing the town at all, evenings?" Mr. Malt inquired of the +Senator. + +"I can't say I have. We've been seeing so much of it in the daytime, we +haven't felt able to enjoy anything at night except our beds," poppa +returned with his accustomed candour. + +"Just so. All the same there's a good deal going on in Paris after +supper." + +"So I've always been told," said the Senator, lighting another cigar. + +"They've got what you might call characteristic shows here. You see a +lot of life." + +"Can you take your ladies?" asked the Senator. + +"Well of course you _can_, but I don't believe they would find it +interesting." + +"Too much life," said the Senator. "I guess that settles it for me too. +I daresay I'm lacking in originality and enterprise, but I generally ask +myself about an entertainment, 'Are Mrs. and Miss Wick likely to enjoy +it?' If so, well and good. If not, I don't as a rule take it in." + +"He's a great comfort that way," remarked momma to Mrs. Malt. + +"Oh, I don't _frequent_ them myself," said Mr. Malt defensively. + +"Talking of improprieties," remarked Miss Callis, "have you seen the +New Salon?" + +There was something very unexpected about Miss Callis; momma complained +of it. Her remarks were never polished by reflection. She called herself +a child of nature, but she really resided in Brooklyn. + +The Senator said we had not. + +"Then don't you go, Mr. Wick. There's a picture there----" + +"We never look at such pictures, Miss Callis," momma interrupted. + +"It's _so_ French," said Miss Callis. + +Momma drew her shawl round her preparatory to withdrawing, but it was +too late. + +"Too French for words," continued Miss Callis. "The poet Lamartine, with +a note-book and pencil in his hand, seated in a triumphal chariot, drawn +through the clouds by beautiful Muses." + +"Oh," said momma, in a relieved voice, "there's nothing so dreadfully +French about that." + +"You should have seen it," said Miss Callis. "It was simply immoral. +Lamartine was in a frock coat!" + +"There could have been nothing objectionable in that," momma repeated. +"I suppose the Muses----" + +"The Muses were not in frock coats. They were dressed in their +traditions," replied Miss Callis, "but they couldn't save the situation, +poor dears." + +Momma looked as if she wished she had the courage to ask Miss Callis to +explain. + +"In picture galleries," remarked poppa, "we've seen only the Luxembourg +and the Louvre. The Louvre, I acknowledge, is worthy of a second visit. +But I don't believe we'll have time to get round again." + +"We've got to get a hustle on ourselves in a day or two," said Mr. Malt, +as we separated for the night. "There's all Italy and Switzerland +waiting for us, and they're bound to be done, because we've got circular +tickets. But there's something about this town that I hate to leave." + +"He doesn't know whether it's the Arc de Triomphe on the Bois de +Boulogne or the Opera Comique, or what," said Mrs. Malt in affectionate +criticism. "But we've been here a week over our time now, and he doesn't +seem able to tear himself away." + +"I'll tell you what it is," exclaimed Mr. Malt, producing a newspaper, +"it's this little old _New York Herald_. There's no use comparing it +with any American newspaper, and it wouldn't be fair to do so; but I +wonder these French rags, in a foreign tongue, aren't ashamed to be +published in the same capital with it. It doesn't take above a quarter +of an hour to read in the mornings, but it's a quarter of an hour of +solid comfort that you don't expect somehow abroad. If the _New York +Herald_ were only published in Rome I wouldn't mind going there." + +"There's something," said poppa, thoughtfully, as we ascended to the +third floor, "in what Malt says." + +Next day we spent an hour buying trunks for the accommodation of the +unattainable elsewhere. Then poppa reminded us that we had an important +satisfaction yet to experience. "Business before pleasure," he said, +"certainly. But we've been improving our minds pretty hard for the last +few days, and I feel the need of a little relaxation. D.V. and W.P., I +propose this afternoon to make the ascent of the Eiffel Tower. Are you +on?" + +"I will accompany you, Alexander, if it is safe," said momma, "and, if +it is unsafe, I couldn't possibly let you go without me." + +Momma is naturally a person of some timidity, but when the Senator +proposes to incur any danger, she always suggests that he shall do it +over her dead body. + +I forget where we were at the time, but I know that we had only to walk +through the perpetual motion of Paris, across a bridge, and down a few +steps on the other side, to find the little steamer that took us by the +river to the Tower. We might have gone by omnibus or by fiacre, but if +we had we should never have known what a street the Seine is, sliding +through Paris, brown in the open sun, dark under the shadowing arches of +the bridges, full of hastening comers and goers from landing-place to +landing-place, up and down. It gave us quite a new familiarity with the +river, which had been before only a part of the landscape, and one of +the things that made Paris imposing. We saw that it was a highway of +traffic, and that the little, brisk, business-like steamers were full of +people, who went about in them because it was the cheapest and most +convenient way, and not at all for the pleasure of a trip by water. We +noticed, too, a difference in these river-going people. Some of them +carried baskets, and some of them read the _Petit Journal_, and they all +comfortably submitted to the good-natured bullying of the mariner in +charge. There were elderly women in black, with a button or two off +their tight bodices, and children with patched shoes carrying an +assortment of vegetables, and middle-aged men in slouch hats, smoking +tobacco that would have been forbidden by public statute anywhere else. +They all treated us with a respect and consideration which we had not +observed in the Avenue de l'Opera, and I noticed the Senator visibly +expanding in it. There was also a man and a little boy, and a dog, all +lunching out of the same basket. Afterward, on being requested to do so, +the dog performed tricks--French ones--to the enjoyment and satisfaction +of all three. There was a great deal of politeness and good feeling, and +if they were not Capi and Remi and Vitalis in "_Sans Famille_," it was +merely because their circumstances were different. + +As we stood looking at the Eiffel Tower, poppa said he thought if he +were in my place he wouldn't describe it. "It's old news," he said, "and +there's nothing the general public dislike so much as that. Every +hotel-porter in Chicago knows that it's three hundred metres high, and +that you can see through it all the way up. There it is, and I feel as +if I'd passed my boyhood in its shadow. That way I must say it's a +disappointment. I was expecting it to be more unexpected, if you +understand." + +Momma and I quite agreed. It had the familiarity of a demonstration of +Euclid, and to the non-engineering mind was about as interesting. The +Senator felt so well acquainted with it that he hesitated about buying a +descriptive pamphlet. "They want to sell a stranger too much information +in this country," he said. "The meanest American intelligence is equal +to stepping into an elevator and stepping out again." But he bought one +nevertheless, and was particularly pleased with it, not only because it +was the cheapest thing in Paris at five cents, but because, as he said +himself, it contained an amount of enthusiasm not usually available at +any price. + +The Senator thought, as we entered the elevator at the first story, that +the accommodation compared very well indeed with anything in his +experience. He had only one criticism--there was no smoking-room. We had +a slight difficulty with momma at the second story--she did not wish to +change her elevator. Inside she said she felt perfectly secure, but the +tower itself she knew _must_ waggle at that height when once you stepped +out. In the end, however, we persuaded her not to go down before she had +made the ascent, and she rose to the top with her eyes shut. When we +finally got out, however, the sight of numbers of young ladies selling +Eiffel Tower mementoes steadied her nerves. She agreed with poppa that +business premises would never let on anything but the most stable basis. + +"It's exactly as Bramley said," remarked the Senator. "You're up so high +that the scenery, so far as Paris is concerned, becomes perfectly +ridiculous. It might as well be a map." + +"_Don't_ look over, Alexander," said momma. "It will fill you with a +wild desire to throw yourself down. It is said _always_ to have that +effect." + +"'The past ends in this plain at your feet,'" quoted poppa critically +from the guide-book, "'the future will there be fulfilled.' I suppose +they did feel a bit uppish when they'd got as high as this--but you'd +think France was about the only republic at present doing business, +wouldn't you?" + +I pointed out the Pantheon down below and St. Etienne du Mont, and poppa +was immediately filled with a poignant regret that we had spent so much +time seeing public buildings on foot. "Whereas," said he, "from our +present point of view we could have done them all in ten minutes. As it +is, we shall be in a position to say we've seen everything there is to +be seen in Paris. Bramley won't be able to tell us it's a pity we've +missed anything. However," he continued, "we must be conscientious about +it. I've no desire to play it low down on Bramley. Let us walk round and +pick out the places of interest he's most likely to expect to catch us +on, and look at them separately. I should hate to think I wasn't telling +the truth about a thing like that." + +We walked round and specifically observed the "Ecole des Beaux Arts," +the "Palais d'Industrie," "Liberty Enlightening the World," and other +objects, poppa carefully noting against each of them "seen from Eiffel +Tower." As we made our way to the river side we noticed four other +people, two ladies and two gentlemen, looking at the military balloon +hanging over Meudon. They all had their backs to us, and there was to me +something dissimilarly familiar about three of those backs. While I was +trying to analyse it one of the gentlemen turned, and caught sight of +poppa. In another instant the highest elevation yet made by engineering +skill was the scene of three impetuous American handclasps, and four +impulsive American voices were saying, "Why how _do_ you do!" The +gentleman was Mr. Richard Dod of Chicago, known to our family without +interruption since he wore long clothes. Mr. Dod had come into his +patrimony and simultaneously disappeared in the direction of Europe six +months before, since when we had only heard vaguely that he had lost +most of it, but was inalterably cheerful; and there was nobody, +apparently, he expected so little or desired so much to see in Paris as +the Senator, momma and me. Poppa called him "Dick, my boy," momma called +him "my dear Dicky," I called him plain "Dick," and when this had been +going on for, possibly, five minutes, the older and larger of the two +ladies of the party swung round with a majesty I at once associated with +my earlier London experiences, and regarded us through her _pince nez_. +There was no mistaking her disapproval. I had seen it before. We were +Americans and she was Mrs. Portheris of Half Moon-street, Piccadilly. I +saw that she recognised me and was trying to make up her mind whether, +in view of the complication of Mr. Dod, to bow or not. But the woman who +hesitates is lost, even though she be a British matron of massive +prejudices and a figure to match. In Mrs. Portheris's instant of +vacillation, I stepped forward with such enthusiasm that she was +compelled to take down her _pince nez_ and hold out a superior hand. I +took it warmly, and turned to my parents with a joy which was not in the +least affected. "Momma," I exclaimed, "try to think of the very last +person who would naturally cross your mind--our relation, Mrs. +Portheris. Poppa, allow me to introduce you to your aunt--Mrs. +Portheris. Your far distant nephew from Chicago, Mr. Joshua Peter Wick." + +It was a moment to be remembered--we all said so afterwards. Everything +hung upon Mrs. Portheris's attitude. But it was immediately evident that +Mrs. Portheris considered parents of any kind excusable, even +commendable! Her manner said as much--it also implied, however, that she +could not possibly be held responsible for transatlantic connections by +a former marriage. Momma was nervous, but collected. She bowed a distant +Wastgaggle bow, an heirloom in the family, which gave Mrs. Portheris to +understand that if any cordiality was to characterise the occasion, it +would have to emanate from her. Besides, Mrs. Portheris was poppa's +relation, and would naturally have to be guarded against. Poppa, on the +other hand, was cordiality itself--he always is. + +"Why, is that so?" said poppa, looking earnestly at Mrs. Portheris and +firmly retaining her hand. "Is this my very own Aunt Caroline?" + +"At one time," responded Mrs. Portheris with a difficult smile, "and, I +fear, by marriage only." + +"Ah, to be sure, to be sure! Poor Uncle Jimmy gave place to another. But +we won't say anything more about that. Especially as you've been equally +unfortunate with your second," said poppa sympathetically. "Well, I'm +sure I'm pleased to meet you--glad to shake you by the hand." He gave +that member one more pressure as he spoke and relinquished it. + +"It is extremely unlooked for," replied his Aunt Caroline, and looked at +Mr. Dod, who quailed, as if he were in some way responsible for it. "I +confess I am not in the habit of meeting my connections promiscuously +abroad." When we came to analyse the impropriety of this it was +difficult, but we felt as a family very disreputable at the time. Mr. +Dod radiated sympathy for us. Poppa looked concerned. + +"The fact is," said he, "we ought to have called on you at your London +residence, Aunt Caroline. And if we had been able to make a more +protracted stay than just about long enough, as you might say, to see +what time it was, we would have done so. But you see how it was." + +"Pray don't mention it," said Mrs. Portheris. "It is very unlikely that +I should have been at home." + +"Then _that's_ all right," poppa replied with relief. + +"London has so many monuments," murmured Dicky Dod, regarding Mrs. +Portheris's impressive back. "It is quite impossible to visit them all." + +"The view from here," our relation remarked in a leave-taking tone, "is +very beautiful, is it not?" + +"It's very extensive," replied poppa, "but I notice the inhabitants +round about seem to think it embraces the biggest part of civilisation. +I admit it's a good-sized view, but that's what I call enlarging upon +it." + +"Come, Mr. Dod," commanded Mrs. Portheris, "we must rejoin the rest of +our party. They are on the other side." + +"Certainly," said Dicky. "But you must give me your address, Mrs. Wick. +Thanks. And there now! I've been away from Illinois a good long time, +but I'm not going to forget to congratulate Chicago on getting you once +more into the United States Senate, Mr. Wick. I did what I could in my +humble way, you know." + +"I _know_ you did, Richard," returned poppa warmly, "and if there's any +little Consulship in foreign parts that it would amuse you to fill----" + +Mrs. Portheris, in the act of exchanging unemotional farewells with +mamma, turned round. "Do I understand that you are now a _Senator_?" she +inquired. "I had no idea of it. It is certainly a distinction--an +American distinction, of course--but you can't help that. It does you +credit. I trust you will use your influence to put an end to the +Mormons." + +"As far as that goes," poppa returned with deprecation, "I believe my +business does take me to the Capitol pretty regularly now. But I'd be +sorry to think any more of myself on that account. Your nephew, Aunt +Caroline, is just the same plain American he was before." + +"I hope you will vote to exterminate them," continued Mrs. Portheris +with decision. "Dear me! A Senator--I suppose you must have a great deal +of influence in your own country! Ah, here are the truants! We might all +go down in the lift together." + +The truants appeared looking conscious. One of them, when he saw me, +looked astonished as well, and I cannot say that I myself was perfectly +unmoved when I realised that it was Mr. Mafferton! There was no reason +why Mr. Mafferton should not have been at the top of the Eiffel Tower in +the society of Mrs. Portheris, Mr. Dod, and another, that afternoon, but +for the moment it seemed to me uniquely amazing. We shook hands, +however--it was the only thing to do--and Mr. Mafferton said this was +indeed a surprise as if it were the most ordinary thing possible. Mrs. +Portheris looked on at our greeting with an air of objecting to things +she had not been taught to expect, and remarked that she had no idea Mr. +Mafferton was one of my London acquaintances. "But then," she continued +in a tone of just reproach, "I saw so little of you during your season +in town that you might have made the Queen's acquaintance and all the +Royal Family, and I should have been none the wiser." + +It was too much to expect of one's momma that she should let an +opportunity like that slip, and mine took hold of it with both hands. + +"I believe my daughter did make Victoria's acquaintance, Mrs. +Portheris," said she, "and we were all very pleased about it. Your Queen +has a very good reputation in our country. We think her a wise sovereign +and a perfect lady. I suppose you often go to her Drawing Rooms." + +Mrs. Portheris wore the expression of one passing through the Stone Age +to a somewhat more mobile period. "I really think," she said, "I should +have been made aware of that. To have had a young relative presented +without one's knowledge seems _too_ extraordinary. No," she continued, +turning to poppa, "the only thing I heard of this young lady--it came to +me in a _very_ roundabout manner--was that she had gone home to be +_married_. Was not that your intention?" asked Mrs. Portheris, turning +to me. + +"It was," I said. There was nothing else to say. + +"Then may I inquire if you fulfilled it?" + +"I didn't, Mrs. Portheris," said I. I was very red, but not so red as +Mr. Mafferton. "Circumstances interfered." I was prepared for an inquiry +as to what the circumstances were, and privately made up my mind that +Mrs. Portheris was too distant a relation to be gratified with such +information in the publicity of the Eiffel Tower. But she merely looked +at me with suspicion, and said it was much better that young people +should discover their unsuitability to one another before marriage than +after. "I can conceive nothing more shocking than divorce," said Mrs. +Portheris, and her tone indicated that I had probably narrowly escaped +it. + +We were rather a large party as we made our way to the elevator, and I +found myself behind the others in conversation with Dicky Dod. It was a +happiness to come thus unexpectedly upon Dicky Dod--he gave forth all +that is most exhilarating in our democratic civilisation, and he was in +excellent spirits. As the young lady of Mrs. Portheris's party joined us +I thought I found a barometric reading in Mr. Dod's countenance that +explained the situation. "I remember you," she said shyly, and there was +something in this innocent audacity and the blush which accompanied it +that helped me to remember her too. "You came to see mamma in Half +Moon-street once. I am Isabel." + +"Dear me!" I replied, "so you are. I remember--you had to go upstairs, +hadn't you. Please don't mind," I went on hastily as Isabel looked +distressed, "you couldn't help it. I was very unexpected, and I might +have been dangerous. How--how you've _grown_!" I really couldn't think +of anything else to say. + +Isabel blushed again, Dicky observing with absorbed adoration. It _was_ +lovely colour. "You know I haven't really," she said, "it's all one's +long frocks and doing up one's hair, you know." + +"Miss Portheris only came out two months ago," remarked Mr. Dod, with +the effect of announcing that Venus had just arisen from the foam. + +"Come, young people," Mrs. Portheris exclaimed from the lift; "we are +waiting for you." Poppa and momma and Mr. Mafferton were already inside. +Mrs. Portheris stood in the door. As Isabel entered, I saw that Mr. Dod +was making the wildest efforts to communicate something to me with his +left eye. + +"Come, young people," repeated Mrs. Portheris. + +"Do you think it's safe for so many?" asked Dicky doubtfully. "Suppose +anything should _give_, you know!" + +Mrs. Portheris looked undecided. Momma, from the interior, immediately +proposed to get out. + +"Safe as a church," remarked the Senator. + +"What _do_ you mean, Dod?" demanded Mr. Mafferton. + +"Well, it's like this," said Dicky; "Miss Wick is rather nervous about +overcrowding, and I think it's better to run no risks myself. You all go +down, and we'll follow you next trip. See?" + +"I suppose you will hardly allow _that_, Mrs. Wick," said our relation, +with ominous portent. + +"_Est ce que vous voulez a descendre, monsieur?_" inquired the official +attached to the elevator, with some impatience. + +"I don't see what there is to object to--I suppose it _would_ be safer," +momma replied anxiously, and the official again demanded if we were +going down. + +"Not this trip, thank you," said Dicky, and turned away. Mrs. Portheris, +who had taken her seat, rose with dignity. "In that case," said she, "I +also will remain at the top;" but her determination arrived too late. +With a ferocious gesture the little official shut the door and gave the +signal, and Mrs. Portheris sank earthwards, a vision of outraged +propriety. I felt sorry for momma. + +"And now," I inquired of Mr. Dod, "why was the elevator not safe?" + +"I'll tell you," said Dicky. "Do you know Mrs. Portheris well?" + +"Very slightly indeed," I replied. + +"Not well enough to--sort of chum up with our party, I suppose." + +"Not for worlds," said I. + +Dicky looked so disconsolate that I was touched. + +"Still," I said, "you'd better trot out the circumstances, Dicky. We +haven't forgotten what you did in your humble way, you know, at election +time. I can promise for the family that we'll do anything we can. You +mustn't ask us to poison her, but we might lead her into the influenza." + +"It's this way," said Mr. Dod. "How remarkably contracted the Place de +la Concorde looks down there, doesn't it! It's like looking through the +wrong end of an opera glass." + +"I've observed that," I said. "It won't be fair to keep them waiting +_very_ long down there on the earth, you know, Dicky." + +"Certainly not! Well, as I was saying, your poppa's Aunt Caroline is a +perfect fiend of a chaperone. By Jove, Mamie, let's be silhouetted!" + +"Poppa was silhouetted," I said, "and the artist turned him out the +image of Senator Frye. Now he doesn't resemble Senator Frye in the least +degree. The elevator is ascending, Richard." + +Richard blushed and looked intently at the horizon beyond Montmartre. + +"You see, between Miss Portheris and me, it's this way," he began +recklessly, but with the vision before my eyes of momma on the steps +below wanting her tea, I cut him short. + +"So far as you are concerned, Dicky, I see the way it is," I interposed +sympathetically. "The question is----" + +"Exactly. So it is. About Isabel. But I can't find out. It seems to be +so difficult with an English girl. Doesn't seem to think such a thing as +a--a proposal exists. Now an American girl is just as ready----" + +"Richard," I interrupted severely, "the circumstances do not require +international comparisons. By the way, how do you happen to be +travelling with--with Mr. Mafferton?" + +"That's exactly where it comes in," Mr. Dod exclaimed luminously. "You'd +think, the way Mafferton purrs round the old lady, he'd been a friend of +the family from the beginning of time! Fact is, he met them two days +before they left London. _I_ had known them a good month, and the +venerable one seemed to take to me considerably. There wasn't a cab she +wouldn't let me call, nor a box at the theatre she wouldn't occupy, nor +a supper she wouldn't try to enjoy. Used to ask me to tea. Inquired +whether I was High or Low. That was awful, because I had to chance it, +being Congregational, but I hit it right--she's Low, too, strong. Isabel +always made the tea out of a canister the old lady kept locked. Singular +habit that, locking tea up in a canister." + +"You are wandering, Dicky," I said. "And Isabel used to ask you whether +you would have muffins or brown bread and butter--I know. Go on." + +"Girls _have_ intuition," remarked Mr. Dod with a glance of admiration +which I discounted with contempt. "Well, then old Mafferton turned up +here a week ago. Since then I haven't been waltzing in as I did before. +Old lady seems to think there's a chance of keeping the family pure +English--seems to think she'd like it better--see? At least, I take it +that way; he's cousin to a lord," Dick added dejectedly, "and you know +financially I've been coming through a cold season." + +"It's awkward," I admitted, "but old ladies of no family are like that +over here. I know Mrs. Portheris is an old lady of no family, because +she's a connection of ours, you see. What about Isabel? Can't you tell +the least bit?" + +"How can a fellow? She blushes just as much when he speaks to her as +when I do." + +"But are you quite sure," I asked delicately, "whether Mr. Mafferton +is--interested?" + +"There's the worst kind of danger of it," Dicky replied impressively. "I +don't know whether I ought to tell you, but the fact is Mafferton's just +got the sack--I beg your pardon--just been _congeed_ himself. They say +she was an American and it was a bad case; she behaved most +unfeelingly." + +"You shouldn't believe all you hear," I said, "but I don't see what that +has to do with it." + +"Why, he's just in the mood to console himself. What fellow would think +twice of being thrown over, if Miss Portheris were the alternative!" + +"It depends, Dicky," I observed. "You are jumping at conclusions." + +"What I hoped," he went on regretfully as we took our places in the +elevator, "was that we might travel together a bit and that you wouldn't +mind just now and then taking old Mafferton off our hands, you know." + +"Dicky," I said, as we swiftly descended, "here is our itinerary. +Genoa, you see, then Pisa, Rome, Naples, Rome again, Florence, Venice, +Verona, up through the lakes to Switzerland, and so on. We leave +to-morrow. If we _should_ meet again, I don't promise to undertake it +personally, but I'll see what momma can do." + +[Illustration: Breakfast with Dicky Dod.] + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +Poppa said as we steamed out of Paris that night that the Presidency +itself would not induce him to reside there, and I think he meant it. I +don't know whether the omnibus _numeros_ and the _correspondances_ where +you change, or the men sitting staring on the side walks drinking things +for hours at a time, or getting no vegetables to speak of with his +joint, annoyed him most, but he was very decided in his views. Momma and +I were not quite so certain; we had a guilty sense of ingratitude when +we thought of the creations in the van; but the cobblestones biassed +momma a good deal, who hoped she should get some sleep in Italy. I had +breakfasted that morning in the most amusing way with Dicky Dod at a +_cafe_ in the Champs Elysees--poppa and momma had an engagement with Mr. +and Mrs. Malt and couldn't come--and in the leniency of the recollection +I said something favourable about the Arc de Triomphe at sunset; but I +gathered from the Senator's remarks that, while the sunset was fine +enough, he didn't see the propriety in using it that way as a background +for Napoleon Bonaparte, so to speak. + +"Result is," said the Senator, "the intelligent foreigner's got pretty +nearly to go out of the town to see a sunset without having to think +about Aboukir and Alexandria. But that's Paris all over. There isn't a +street, or a public building, or a statue, or a fountain, or a thing +that doesn't shout at you, 'Look at me! Think about me! Your admiration +or your life!' Those Frenchmen don't mind it because it only repeats +what they're always saying themselves, but if you're a foreigner it gets +on your nerves. That city is too uniformly fine to be of much use to +me--it keeps me all the time wondering why I'm not in one eternal good +humour to match. There's good old London now--always looks, I should +think, just as you feel. Looks like history, too, and change, and +contrast, and the different varieties of the human lot." + +"I see what you mean, poppa," I said. "There's too much equality in +Paris, isn't there--to be interesting," but the Senator was too deeply +engaged in getting out momma's smelling salts to corroborate this +interpretation. + +It is a very long way to Genoa if you don't stop at Aix-les-Bains or +anywhere--twenty-four hours--but Mont Cenis occurs in the night, which +is suitable in a tunnel. There came a chill through the darkness that +struck to one's very marrow, and we all rose with one accord and groped +about for more rugs. When broad daylight came it was Savoy, and we +realised what we had been through. The Senator was inclined to deplore +missing the realisation of the Mont Cenis, and it was only when momma +said it was a pity he hadn't taken a train that would have brought us +through in the daytime and enabled him to examine it, that he ceased to +express regret. My parents are often vehicles of philosophy for each +other. + +Besides, in the course of the morning the Senator acknowledged that he +got more tunnels than he had any idea he had paid for. They came with a +precipitancy that interfered immensely with any connected idea of the +scenery, though momma, in my interest, did her best to form one. "Note, +my love," she said, as we began to penetrate the frontier country, "that +majestic blue summit on the horizon to the left"--obliteration, and +another tunnel! "_Don't_ miss that jagged line of snows just beyond the +back of poppa's head, dear one. Quick! they are melting away!"--but the +next tunnel was quicker. "Put down that the dazzling purity of these +lovely peaks must be realised, for it cannot be"--darkness, and the +blight of another tunnel. It was very hard on momma's imagination, and +she finally accepted the Senator's warning that it would be thrown +completely out of gear if she went on, and abandoned the attempt to form +complete sentences between tunnels. It was much simpler to exclaim +"Splendid!" or "Glorious!" which one could generally do without being +interrupted. + +We were not prepared to enjoy anything when we arrived at Genoa, but +there was Christopher Columbus in bronze, just outside the station in a +little place by himself, and we felt bound to give him our attention +before we went any further. He was patting America on the head, both of +them life size, and carrying on that historical argument with his +sailors in bas-relief below; and he looked a very fine character. As +poppa said, he was just the man you would pick out to discover America. +The Senator also remarked that you could see from the position of the +statue, right there in full view of the travelling public, that the +Genoese thought a lot of Columbus; relied upon him, in fact, as their +biggest attraction. Momma examined him from the carriage. She said it +was most gratifying to see him there in his own home, so to speak; but +her enthusiasm did not induce her to get out. Momma's patriotism has +always to be considered in connection with the state of her nerves. + +The state of all our nerves was healed in a quarter of an hour. The +Senator showed his coupons somewhat truculently, but they were received +as things of price with disarming bows and real gladness. We were led +through rambling passages into lofty white chambers, with marble floors +and iron bedsteads, full of simplicity and cleanliness, where we removed +all recollections of Paris without being obliged to consider a stuffy +carpet or satin-covered furniture. Italy, in the persons of the +_portier_ and the chambermaid, laid hold of us with intelligible smiles, +and we were charmed. Inside, the place was full of long free lines and +cool polished surfaces, and pleasant curves. Outside, a thick-fronded +palm swayed in the evening wind against a climbing hill of many-tinted, +many-windowed houses, in all the soft colours we knew of before. When +the _portier_ addressed momma as "Signora" her cup of bliss ran over, +and she made up her mind that she felt able, after all, to go down to +dinner. + +Remembering their sentiments, we bowed as slightly as possible when we +saw the Miss Binghams across the table, and the Senator threw that into +his voice, as he inquired how they liked _la belle Italie_ so far, and +whether they had had any trouble with their trunks coming in, which +might have given them to understand that his politeness was very +perfunctory. If they perceived it, they allowed it to influence them the +other way, however. They asked, almost as cordially as if we were +middle-class English people, whether we had actually survived that trip +to Versailles, and forbore to comment when we said we had enjoyed it, +beyond saying that if there was one enviable thing it was the American +capacity for pleasure. Yet one could see quite plainly that the vacuum +caused by the absence of the American capacity for pleasure was filled +in their case by something very superior to it. + +"This city new to you?" asked the Senator as the meal progressed. + +"In a _sense_, yes," replied Miss Nancy Bingham. + +"We've never _studied_ it before," said Miss Cora. + +"I suppose it has a fascination all its own," remarked momma. + +"Oh, rather!" exclaimed Miss Nancy Bingham, and I reflected that when +she was in England she must have seen a great deal of school-boy +society. I decided at once, noting its effect upon the lips of a +middle-aged maiden lady, that momma must not be allowed to pick up the +expression. + +"It's simply full of associations of old families--the Dorias, the +Pallavicinis, the Durazzos," remarked Miss Cora. "Do you gloat on the +medieval?" + +"We're perfectly prepared to," said the Senator. "I believe we've got +both Murray and Baedeker for this place. Now do you commit your facts to +memory before going to bed the night previous, or do you learn them up +as you go along?" + +"Oh," said Miss Nancy Bingham, "we are of the opinion that one should +always visit these places with a mind prepared. Though I myself have no +objection to carrying a guide-book, provided it is covered with brown +paper." + +"Then you acquire it all beforehand," commented the Senator. "That, I +must say, is commendable of you. And it's certainly the only +business-like way of proceeding. The amount of time a person loses +fooling over Baedeker on the spot----" + +"One of us does," acknowledged Miss Nancy. "We take it in turns. And I +must say it is generally my sister." And she turned to Miss Cora, who +blushed and said, "How can you, Nancy!" + +"And you use her, for that particular public building or historic +scene, as a sort of portable, self-acting reference library," remarked +poppa. "That's an idea that commends itself to me, daughter, in +connection with you." + +I was about to reply in terms of deprecation, when a confusion of sound +drifted in from the street, of arriving cabs and expostulating voices. +The Miss Binghams looked at each other in consternation and said with +one accord, "It _was_ the _Fulda_!" + +"Was it?" inquired poppa. "Do you refer to the German Lloyd steamship of +that name?" + +"We do," said Miss Nancy. "About an hour ago we were sure we saw her +steaming into the harbour." + +"She comes from New York, I suppose," momma remarked. + +"She does indeed," said Miss Nancy, "and she's been lying at the docks +unloading Americans ever since she arrived. And here they are. Cora, +have you finished?" + +Cora said she had, and without further parley the ladies rose and +rustled away. Their invading fellow-countrymen gratefully took their +places, and the Senator sent a glance of scorn after them strong enough +to make them turn round. After dinner, we saw a collection of cabin +trunks and valises standing in the entrance hall labelled BINGHAM, +and knew that Miss Nancy and Miss Cora were again in flight before the +Nemesis of the American Eagle. I will not repeat poppa's sentiments. + +On the hotel doorstep next morning waited Alessandro Bebbini. He waited +for us--an hour and a half, because momma had some re-packing to do and +we were going on next day. Nobody had asked him to wait, but he had a +carriage ready and the look of having been ordered three months +previously. He presented his card to the Senator, who glanced at him and +said, "Do I _look_ as if I wanted a shave?" + +Alessandro Bebbini smiled--an olive flash of pity and amusement. "I make +not the shava, Signore," he said, "I am the courier--for your kind +dispositione I am here." + +"You should _never_ judge foreigners by their appearance, Alexander," +rebuked momma. + +"Well, Mr. Bebbini," said the Senator, "I guess I've got to apologise to +you. You see they told me inside there that I should probably find a--a +tonsorial artist out here on the steps"--poppa never minds telling a +story to save people's feelings. "But you haven't convinced me," he +continued, "that I've got any use for a courier." + +"You wish see Genoa--is it not?" + +"Well, yes," replied the Senator, "it is." + +"Then with me you come alonga. I will translate you the city--shoppia, +pallass--w'at you like. Also I am not dear man neither. In the season +yes. Then I am very dear. But now is nobody." + +"What does your time cost to buy?" demanded poppa. + +"Very cheap price. Two francs one hour. Ten francs one day. But if with +you I travel, make arrangimento, you und'stan', look for traina--'otel, +_biglietto, bagaglia_--then I am so little you laugh. Two 'undred franc +the month!" and Alessandro indicated with every muscle of his body the +amazement he expected us to feel. + +The Senator turned to the ladies of his family. "Now that I think of +it," he said, "travels in Italy are never written without a courier. +People wouldn't believe they were authentic. And Bramley said if you +really wanted to enjoy yourself it was folly not to engage one." + +"I suppose there's more _choice_ in the season," said momma, glancing +disapprovingly at Alessandro's swarthy collar. "And I confess I should +have expected them to be garbed more picturesquely." + +"Look at his language," I remarked. "You can't have everything." + +The Senator said that was so. "I believe you can come along, Mr. +Bebbini," he said; "we're strangers here and we'll get you to help us to +enjoy ourselves for a month on the terms you name. You can begin right +away." + +Alessandro bowed and waved us to the carriage. It was only the ordinary +commercial bow of Italy, but I could see that it made a difference to +momma. He saw us seated and was climbing on the box when poppa +interfered. "There's no use trying to work it that way," he said; "we +can't ask you to twist your head off every time you emit a piece of +information. Besides, there's no sense in your riding on the box when +there's an extra seat. You won't crowd us any, Mr. Bebbini, and I guess +we can refrain from discussing family matters for _one_ hour." + +So we started, with Mr. Bebbini at short range. + +"I think," said he, "you lika first off the 'ouse of Cristoforo +Colombo." + +"I don't see how you knew," said poppa, "but you are perfectly correct. +Cristoforo was one of the most distinguished Americans on the roll of +history, and we, also, are Americans. At once, at once to the habitation +of Cristoforo." + +Alessandro leaned forward impressively. + +"Who informa you Cristoforo Colombo was Americano? Better you don't +believe these other guide--ignoranta fella. Cristoforo was Genoa man, +born here, you und'stan'? Italiano. Only live in America a lill' +w'ile--to discover, you und'stan'?" + +"Mr. Bebbini," said poppa, "if you go around contradicting Americans on +the subject of Christopher Columbus your business will decrease. As a +matter of fact, Christopher wasn't born, he was made, and America made +him. He has every right to claim to be considered an American, and it +was a little careless of him not to have founded a family there. We make +excuses for him--it's quite true he had very little time at his +disposal--but we feel it, the whole nation of us, to this day." + +The Via Balbi was cheerfully crooked and crowded, it had the modern +note of the street car, and the mediaeval one of old women, arms akimbo, +in the nooks and recesses, selling big black cherries and bursting figs. +Even the old women though, as momma complained, wore postilion basques +and bell skirts, certainly in an advanced stage of usefulness, but of +unmistakable genesis--just what had been popular in Chicago a year or +two before. + +"Really, my love," said momma, "I don't know _what_ we shall do for +description in Genoa, the people seem to wear no clothes worth +mentioning whatever." We concluded that all the city's characteristically +Italian garments were in the wash; they depended in novel cut and colour +from every window that did not belong to a bank or a university; and +sometimes, when the side street was narrow and the houses high, the effect +was quite imposing. Poppa asked Alessandro Bebbini whether they were +expecting royalty or anything, or whether it was like this every washing +day, and we gathered that there was nothing unusual about it. But poppa +said I had better mention it so that people might be prepared. Personally, +I rather liked the display, it gave such unexpected colour and incident to +those high-shouldering, narrow by-ways we looked down into from the upper +level of the Via Balbi, where only here and there the sun strove through, +and all the rest was a rich toned mystery; but there may be others like +momma, who prefer the clothes line of the Occident and the privacy of the +back yard. + +The two sides of the _Via Poverina_ almost touched foreheads. "Yes," +said Alessandro Bebbini apologetically, "it is a _ver'_ tight street." + +Poppa was extremely pleased with the appearance of the house of +Christopher Columbus, which Alessandro pointed out in the Via Assorotti. +It was a comfortable looking edifice, with stone giants supporting the +arch of the doorway, in every respect suitable as the residence of a +retired navigator of distinction. Poppa said it was very gratifying to +find that Cristoforo had been able, in his declining years, when he was +our only European representative, to keep his end up with credit to +America. + +You so often found the former abodes of glorious names with a modern +rental out of all proportion with their historic interest. This house, +poppa calculated, would let to-day at a figure discreditable neither to +Cristoforo himself, nor to the United States of America. Mr. Bebbini, +unfortunately, could not tell him what that figure was. + +On the steps of San Lorenzo Cathedral momma paused and cast a searching +glance into all the corners. + +"Where are the beggars?" she inquired, not without injury. "I have +_always_ been given to understand that church entrances in Italy were +disgracefully thronged with beggars of the lowest type. I have never +seen a picture of a sacred building without them!" + +"So that was why you wanted so much small change, Augusta," said the +Senator. "Mr. Bebbini says there's a law against them nowadays. Now that +you mention it, I'm disappointed there too. Municipal progress in Italy +is something you've not prepared for somehow. I daresay if we only knew +it, they're thinking of lighting this town with electricity, and the +Board of Aldermen are considering contracts for cable cars." + +"Do not inquire, Alexander," begged momma, but the Senator had fallen +behind with Mr. Bebbini in earnest conversation, and we gathered that +its import was entirely modern. + +It was our first Italian church and it was impressive, for a President +of the French Republic had just fallen to the knife of an Italian +assassin, and from the altar to the door San Lorenzo was in mourning and +in penance. Masses for his soul's repose had that day been said and +sung; near the door hung a request for the prayers of all good +Christians to this end. Many of the grave-eyed people that came and went +were doubtless about this business, but one, I know, was there on a +private errand. He prayed at a chapel aside, kneeling on the floor +beside the railings, his cap in his hands, grasping it just as the +peasant in The Angelus grasps his. Inside the altar hung a picture of a +pitying woman, and there were candles and foolish flowers of tinsel, but +beside these, many tokens of hearts, gold and silver, thick below the +altar, crowding the partition walls. The hearts were grateful +ones--Alessandro explained in an undertone--brought and left by many +who had been preserved from violent death by the saint there, and he who +knelt was a workman just from hospital, who had fallen, with his son, +from a building. The boy had been killed, the father only badly hurt. +His heart token was the last--a little common thing--and tied with no +rejoiceful ribbon but with a scrap of crape. I hoped Heaven would see +the crape as well as the tribute. When we went away he was still +kneeling in his patched blue cotton clothes, and as the saint had very +beautiful kind eyes, and all the tinsel flowers were standing in the +glowing light of stained glass, and the voice of the Church had begun to +speak too, through the organ, I daresay he went away comforted. + +Momma says there is only one thing she recollects clearly about San +Lorenzo, and that is the Chapel of St. John the Baptist. This does not +remain in her memory because of the _Cinquecento_ screen or the +altar-canopy's porphyry pillars which we know we must have seen because +the guide-book says they are there, but because of the fact that Pope +Innocent the Eighth had it closed to our sex for a long time, except on +one day of the year, on account of Herodias. Momma considered this +extremely invidious of Innocent the Eighth, and said it was a thing no +man except a Pope would have thought of doing. What annoyed poppa was +that she seemed to hold Alessandro Bebbini responsible, and covered him +with reproaches, in the guise of argument, which he neither deserved nor +understood. And when poppa suggested that she was probably as much to +blame for Herodias's conduct as Mr. Bebbini was for the Pope's, she said +that had nothing whatever to do with it, and she thanked Heaven she was +born a Protestant anyway, distinctly implying that Herodias was a Roman +Catholic. And if poppa didn't wish her back to give out altogether, +would he please return to the carriage. + +We wandered through a palace or two and thought how interesting it must +have been to be rich in the days of "Sir Horatio Palavasene, who robbed +the Pope to pay the Queen." Wealth had its individuality in those days, +and expressed itself with truth and splendour in sculpture, and picture, +and tapestry, and precious things, with the picturesqueness of contrast +and homage. As the Senator said, a banquet hall did not then suggest a +Fifth Avenue hairdresser's saloon. But now the Genoese merchant-princes +would find that their state had lost its identity in machine made +imitations, and that it would be more distinguished to be poor, since +poverty is never counterfeited. But poppa declined to go as far as that. + +Alessandro, as we drove round and up the winding roads that take one to +the top of Genoa--the hotels and the palaces and the churches are mostly +at the bottom--was full of joyous and rapid information. Especially did +he continue to be communicative on the subject of Christopher Columbus, +and if we are not now assured of the school that discoverer attended in +his youth, and the altar rails before which he took the first communion +of his early manhood, and the occupation of his wife's parents, and +many other matters concerning him, it is the fault of history and not +that of Alessandro Bebbini. After a cathedral and a palace and a long +drive, this was bound to have its effect, and I very soon saw resentment +in the demeanour of both my parents. So much so, that when we passed the +family group in memory of Mazzini, and Alessandro explained dramatically +that "the daughter he sitta down and cryo because his father is a-dead," +poppa said, "Is that so?" without the faintest show of excitement, and +momma declined even to look round. + +It was not until the evening, however, when we were talking to some +Milwaukee people, that we remembered, with the assistance of Baedeker +and the Milwaukee people, a number of facts about Columbus that deprived +Alessandro's information of its commercial value, while leaving his +ingenuity, so to speak, at par. The Senator was so much annoyed, as he +had made a special note of the state of preservation in which he had +found the dwelling of our discoverer, that he had recourse to the most +unscrupulous means of relieving us of Alessandro--who was to present +himself next morning at eleven. He wrote an impulsive letter to "A. +Bebbini, Esq.," which ran: + + "SIR: I find that we are too credulous a family to travel in + safety with a courier. When you arrive at the hotel + to-morrow, therefore, you will discover that we have fled + by an earlier train. We take it from no personal objection + to your society, but from a rooted and unconquerable + objection to brass facts. I enclose your month's salary and + a warning that any attempt to follow me will be fruitless + and expensive." + + "Yours truly," + "J.P. WICK." + +The Senator assured me afterwards that this was absolutely +necessary--that A. Bebbini, if we introduced him in any quantity, would +ruin the sale of our work, and if he accompanied us it would be +impossible to keep him out. He said we ought to apologize for having +even mentioned him in a book of travels which we hope to see taken +seriously. And we do. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +Momma wishes me to state that the word Italy, in any language, will for +ever be associated in her mind with the journey from Genoa to Pisa. We +had our own lunch basket, so no baneful anticipation of cutlets fried in +olive oil marred the perfect satisfaction with which we looked out of +the windows. One window, almost the whole way, opened on a low +embankment which seemed a garden wall. Olives and lemon trees grew +beyond it and dropped over, and it was always dipping in the sunlight to +show us the roses and the shady walks of the villas inside, white and +remote; now and then we saw the pillared end of a verandah or a plaster +Neptune ruling a restricted fountain area. Out of the other window +stretched the blue Gulf of Genoa all becalmed and smiling, with freakish +little points and headlines, and here and there the white blossom of a +sail. The Senator counted eighty tunnels--he wants that fact mentioned +too--some of them so short that it was like shutting one's eyes for an +instant on the olives and the sea. Nevertheless it was an idyllic +journey, and at four o'clock in the afternoon we saw the Leaning Tower +from afar, describing the precise angle that it does in the illustrated +geographies. Momma was charmed to recognise it, she blew it a kiss of +adulation and acclaim, while we yet wound about among the environs, and +hailed it "Pisa!" It was as if she bowed to a celebrity, with the homage +due. + +What the Senator called our attention to as we drove to the hotel was +the conspicuous part in municipal politics played by that little old +brown river Arno. In most places the riparian feature of the landscape +is not insisted on--you have usually to go to the suburbs to find it, +but in Pisa it is a sort of main street, with the town sitting +comfortably and equally on each side of it looking on. Momma and I both +liked the idea of a river in town scenery, and thought it might be +copied with advantage in America, it afforded such a good excuse for +bridges. Pisa's three arched stone ones made a reason for settling there +in themselves in our opinion. The Senator, however, was against it on +conservancy grounds, and asked us what we thought of the population of +Pisa. And we had to admit that for the size of the houses there weren't +very many people about. The Lungarno was almost empty except for +desolate cabmen, and they were just as eager and hospitable to us and +our trunks as they had been in Genoa. + +In the Piazza del Duomo we expected the Cathedral, the Leaning Tower, +the Baptistry, and the Campo Santo. We did not expect Mrs. Portheris; at +least, neither of my parents did--I knew enough about Dicky Dod not to +be surprised at any combination he might effect. There they all were in +the middle of the square bit of meadow, apparently waiting for us, but +really, I have no doubt, getting an impression of the architecture as a +whole. I could tell from Mrs. Portheris's attitude that she had +acknowledged herself to be gratified. Strange to relate, her +gratification did not disappear when she saw that these mediaeval +circumstances would inconsistently compel her to recognise very modern +American connections. She approached us quite blandly, and I saw at once +that Dicky Dod had been telling her that poppa's chances for the +Presidency were considered certain, that the Spanish Infanta had stayed +with us while she was in Chicago at the Exhibition, and that we fed her +from gold plate. It was all in Mrs. Portheris's manner. + +"Another unexpected meeting!" she exclaimed. "My dear Mrs. Wick, you +_are_ looking worn out! Try my sal volatile--I insist!" and in the +general greeting momma was seen to back violently away from a long +silver bottle in every direction. Poppa had to interfere. "If it's all +the same to you, Aunt Caroline," he said, "Mrs. Wick is quite as usual, +though I think the Middle Agedness of this country is a little trying +for her at this time of year. She's just a little upset this morning by +seeing the cook plucking a rooster down in the backyard before he'd +killed it. The rooster was in great affliction, you see, and the way he +crowed got on momma's nerves. She's been telling us about it ever since. +But we hope it will pass off." + +Mrs. Portheris expanded into that inevitable British story of the +officer who reported of certain tribes that they had no manners and +their customs were abominable, and I, at a mute invitation from Dicky, +stepped aside to get the angle of the Tower from a better point of view. + +Mr. Dod was depressed, so much so that he came to the point at once. "I +hope you had a good time in Genoa," he said. "We should have been there +now, only I knew we should never catch up to you if we didn't skip +something. So I heard of a case of cholera there, and didn't mention +that it was last year. Quite enough for Her Ex. I say, though--it's no +use." + +"Isn't it?" said I. "Are you sure?" + +"Pretty confoundedly certain. The British lion's getting there, in great +shape--the brute. All the widow's arranging. With the widow it's 'Mr. +Dod, you will take care of _me_, won't you?' or 'Come now, Mr. Dod, and +tell me all about buffalo shooting on your native prairies'--and Mr. Dod +is a rattled jay. There's something about the mandate of a middle-aged +British female." + +"I should think there was!" I said. + +"Then Maffy, you see, walks in. They don't seem to have much +conversation--she regularly brightens up when I come along and say +something cheerful--but he's gradually making up his mind that the best +isn't any too good for him." + +"Perhaps we don't begin so well in America," I interrupted +thoughtfully. "But then, we don't develop into Mrs. P.'s either." + +Dicky seemed unable to follow my line of thought. "I must say," he went +on resentfully, "I like--well, just a _smell_ of constancy about a man. +A fellow that's thrown over ought to be in about the same shape as a +widower. But not much Maffy. I tried to work up his feelings over the +American girl the other night--he was as calm!" + +"Dicky," said I, "there are subjects a man _must_ keep sacred. You must +not speak to Mr. Mafferton of his first--attachment again. They never do +it in England, except for purposes of fiction." + +"Well, I worked that racket all I knew. I even told him that American +girls as often as not changed their minds." + +"_Richard!_ He will think I--what _will_ he think of American girls! It +was excessively wrong of you to say that--I might almost call it +criminal!" + +Dicky looked at me in pained surprise. "Look here, Mamie," he said, "a +fellow in my fix, you know! Don't get excited. How am I going to confide +in you unless you keep your hair on!" + +"What, may I ask, did Mr. Mafferton say when you told him that?" I asked +sternly. + +"He said--now you'll be madder than ever. I won't tell you." + +"Mr. Dod--Dicky, haven't we been friends from infancy!" + +"Played with the same rattle. Cut our teeth together." + +"Well then----" + +"Well then," he said, "do you mind putting your parasol straight? I like +to see the person I'm talking to, and besides the sun is on the other +side. He said he didn't think it was a privilege that should be extended +to all cases." + +"He did, did he?" I rejoined calmly. "That's like the British--isn't +it?" + +"It would have made such a complication if I'd kicked him," confessed +Mr. Dod. + +The Senator, momma, and Mrs. Portheris stood in the cathedral door. +Isabel and Mr. Mafferton occupied the middle distance. Mr. Mafferton +stooped to add a poppy to a slender handful of wild flowers he held out +to her. Isabel was looking back. + +"It will be pleasant inside the Duomo," I said. "Let us go on. I feel +warm. I agree with you that the situation is serious, Dicky. Look at +those poppies! When an Englishman does that you may make up your mind to +the worst. But I don't think anybody need have the slightest respect for +the affections of Mr. Mafferton." + +Inside the Duomo it was pleasant, and cool, and there was a dim +religious light that gave one an opportunity for reflection. I was so +much engaged in reflection that I failed to notice the shape of the +Duomo, but I have since learned that it was a basilica, in the form of +a Latin cross, and was simply full of things which should have claimed +my attention. Momma took copious notes from which I see that the Madonna +and Child holy water basin was perfectly sweet, and the episcopal throne +by Uervellesi in 1536 was the finest piece of tarsia work in the world, +and the large bronze hanging lamp by Vincenzo Possento was the object +which assisted Galileo to invent the oscillations of the pendulum. The +Senator was much taken with the inlaid wooden stalls in the choir, the +subjects were so lively. He and his Aunt Caroline nearly came to words +over a monkey regarding its reflection in a looking glass, done with a +realism which Mrs. Portheris considered little short of profane, but +which poppa found quite an excusable filip to devotions which must have +been such an all day business in the sixteenth century. Outside, +however, poppa found it difficult to approve the facade. To throw four +galleries over the street door, he said, with no visible means of +getting into them or possible object for sitting there, was about the +most ridiculous waste of building space he had yet observed. + +"But then," said Dicky Dod, who kept his disconsolate place by my side, +"they didn't seem to know how to waste enough in those pre-elevator +days. Look at the pictures and the bronzes and the marble columns inside +there--ten times as much as they had any use for. They just heaped it +up." + +"That's so, Dicky, my boy," replied poppa; "we could cover more ground +with the money in our century. But you've got to remember that they +hadn't any other way worth mentioning of spending the taxes. Religion, +so to speak, was the boss contractor's only line." + +Dicky remarked that it had to be admitted he worked it on the square, +and momma said that no doubt people built as well as they knew how at +that time, but nothing should induce her to add her weight to the top of +the Leaning Tower. + +"It is very remarkable and impressive," said momma, "the idea of its +hanging over that way all these centuries, just on the drop and never +dropping, but who knows that it may not come down this very day!" + +"My dear niece, if I may call you so," remarked Mrs. Portheris urbanely, +"it was thus that the builders designed this great monument to stand; in +its inclination lies the triumph of their art." + +"I can't say I agree with you there, Aunt Caroline," said poppa; "that +tower was never meant to stand crooked. It's a very serious defect, and +if it happened nowadays, it would justify any Municipal Board in +repudiating the contract. Even those fellows, you see, were too sick to +go on with it, in every case. Begun by Bonanus 1174. Bonanus saw what +was going to happen and gave it up at the third storey. Then Benenato +had _his_ show, got it up to four, and quit, 1203. The next architect +was--let me see--William of Innsbruck. He put on a couple more, and by +that time it began to look dangerous. But nothing happened from 1260 to +1350, and it struck Tomaso Pisano that nothing would happen. He risked +it anyhow, ran up another storey, put the roof on, and came in for the +credit of the whole miracle. I expect Tomaso is at the bottom of that +idea of yours, Aunt Caroline. He would naturally give the reporters that +view." + +Mrs. Portheris listened with a tolerance as badly put on as any garment +she was wearing. "I do not usually make assertions," she said when poppa +had finished, "without being convinced of the facts," and I became aware +for the first time that her upper lip wore a slight moustache. + +"Well, you'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline----" + +"All my life I have heard of the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a feat of +architecture," replied his Aunt Caroline firmly. "I do not propose to +have that view disturbed now." + +"Perhaps it _was_ so, my dear love," put in momma deprecatingly, and Mr. +Dod, with a frenzied wink at poppa, called his attention to the +ridiculous Pisan habit of putting immovable fringed carriage-tops on +cabs. + +"It undoubtedly was," said Mrs. Portheris, with an embattled front. + +"But--Great Scott, aunt!" exclaimed poppa, recklessly, "think what this +place was like--all marsh, with the sea right alongside; not four miles +off as it is now. Why, you couldn't base so much as a calculation on +it!" + +"I must say," said Mrs. Portheris in severe surprise, "I knew that +America had made great advances in the world of invention, but I did not +expect to find what looks much like jealousy of the achievements of an +older civilisation." + +The Senator looked at his aunt, then he put his hat further back on his +head and cleared his throat. I prepared for the worst, and the worst +would undoubtedly have come if Dicky Dod had not suddenly remembered +having seen a man with a foreign telegram looking for somebody in the +Cathedral. + +"It's a feat!" reiterated Mrs. Portheris as the Senator left us in +pursuit of the man with the telegram. + +"It's fourteen feet," cried the Senator from a safe distance, "out of +the perpendicular!" and left us to take the consequences. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +When momma reported to me Mrs. Portheris's proposition that we should +make the rest of our Continental trip as one undivided party, I found it +difficult to understand. + +"These sudden changes of temperature," I remarked, "are trying to the +constitution. Why this desire for the society of three unabashed +Americanisms like ourselves?" + +"That's just what I wondered," said momma. "For you can _see_ that she +is full of insular prejudice against our great country. She makes no +attempt to disguise it." + +"She never did," I assented. + +"She said it seemed so extraordinary--quite providential--meeting +relatives abroad in this way," momma continued, "and she thought we +ought to follow it up." + +"Are we going to?" I inquired. + +"My goodness gracious no, love! There are some things my nerves cannot +stand the strain of, and one of them is your poppa's Aunt Caroline. The +Senator smoothed it over. He said he was sure we were very much +obliged, but our time was limited, and he thought we could get around +faster alone." + +"Well," I said, "I do not understand it, unless Dicky has persuaded her +that poppa is to be our next ambassador to St. James's." + +"She was too silly about Dicky," said momma. "She said she really was +afraid, before you appeared, that young Mr. Dod was conceiving an +attachment for her Isabel, whose affections lay _quite_ in another +direction; but now her mind was entirely at rest. I don't remember her +words, she uses so many, but she was trying to hint that poor Dicky was +an admirer of _yours_, dearest." + +"I fancy she succeeded--as far as that goes," I remarked. + +"Well, yes, she made me understand her. So I felt obliged to tell her +that, though Dicky was a lovely fellow and we were all very fond of him, +anything of _that_ kind was out of the question." + +"And what," I asked, "was her reply to that?" + +"She seemed to think I was prevaricating. She said she knew what a +mother's hopes and fears were. They seem to take a very low view," added +momma austerely, "of friendship between a young man and a young woman in +England!" + +"I should think so!" said I absent-mindedly. "Dicky hasn't made love to +me for three years." + +"_What!_" + +"Nothing, momma, dear," I replied kindly. "Only I wouldn't contradict +Mrs. Portheris again upon that point, if I were you. She will think it +so improper if Dicky _isn't_ my admirer, don't you see?" + +But Mrs. Portheris's desire to join our party stood revealed. Her +constant chaperonage of Dicky was getting a little trying, and she +wanted me to relieve her. I felt so deeply for them both, reflecting +upon the situation, that I experienced quite a glow of virtue at the +thought of my promise to Dicky to stay in Rome till his party arrived. +They were going to Siena--why, Mr. Dod could not undertake to +explain--he had never heard of anything cheerful in connection with +Siena. + +"My idea is," said the Senator, "that in Rome"--we were on our way +there--"we'll find our work cut out for us. Think of the objects of +interest involved from Romulus and Remus down to the present Pope!" + +"I should like my salts before I begin," said momma, pathetically. + +"Over two thousand years," continued the Senator impressively, "and +every year you may be sure has left its architectural imprint." + +"Does Baedeker say that, Senator?" I asked, with a certain severity. + +"No, the expression is entirely my own; you may take it down and use it +freely. Two thousand years of remains is what we've got before us in +Rome, and pretty well scattered too--nothing like the convenience of +Pisa. I expect we shall have to allow at least four days for it. That +Piazza del Duomo," continued poppa, thoughtfully, "seems to have been +laid out with a view to the American tourist of the future. But I don't +suppose that kind of forethought is common." + +"How exquisite it was, that cluster of white marble relics of the past +on the bosom of dusky Pisa. It reminded me," said momma, poetically, "of +an old maid's pearls." + +"I should suggest," said the Senator to me, "that you make a note of +that. A little sentiment won't do us any harm--just a little. And they +_are_ like an old maid's pearls in connection with that middle-aged, +one-horse little city. Or I should say a widow's--Pisa was once a bride +of the sea. A grass widow's," improved the Senator. "It's all +meadow-land round there--did you notice?" + +"I did not," I said coldly; "but, of course, if I'm to call Pisa a grass +widow, it will have to be. Although I warn you, poppa, that in case of +any critic being able to arise and indicate that it is laid out in +oyster beds, I shall make it plain that the responsibility is yours." + +We were speeding through Tuscany, and the vine-garlanded trees in the +orchards clasped hands and danced along with us. The sky would have told +us we were in Italy if we had come on a magic carpet without a compass +or a time-table. Poppa says we are not, under any circumstances, to +mention it more than once, but that we might as well explode the fallacy +that there is anything like it in America. There isn't. Our cerulean is +very beautifully blue, but in Italy one discovers by contrast that it +is an intellectual blue, filled with light, high, provocative. The sky +that bends over Tuscany is the very soul of blue, deep, soft, intense, +impenetrable--the sky that one sees in those little casual bits of +landscape behind the shoulders of pre-Raphaelite Saints and Madonnas; +and here and there a lake, giving it back with delight, and now and then +the long slope of a hill, with an old yellow-walled town creeping up, +castle crowned, and raggedly trimmed with olives; and so many ruins that +the Senator, summoned by momma to look at the last in view, regarded it +with disparagement, which he did not attempt to conceal. He wondered, he +said, that the Italian Government wasn't ashamed of having such a lot of +them. They might be picturesque, but they weren't creditable; they gave +you the impression that the country was on the down grade. "You needn't +call my attention to any more of them, Augusta," he added; "but if you +see any building that looks like progress, now, anything that gives you +the idea of modern improvements inside, I shouldn't like to miss it." +And he returned to the thirty-second page of the Sunday _New York +World_. + +"I sometimes wish," said momma, "that I were not the only person in this +family with the artistic temperament." + +Sometimes we stopped at the little yellow towns and saw quite closely +their queer old defences and belfrys and clock towers, and guessed at +the pomegranates and oleanders behind their high courtyard walls. They +had musical names, even in the mouths of the railway guards, who sang +every one of them with a high note and a full octave on the syllable of +stress--"Rosign_a_no!" "Car_m_iglia!" The Senator was fascinated with +the spectacle of a railway guard who could express himself intelligibly, +to say nothing of the charm; he spoke of introducing the system in the +United States, but we tried it on "New York," "Washington," "Kansas +City," and it didn't seem the same. + +It was at Orbatello, I think, that we made the travelling acquaintance +of the enterprising little gentleman to whom momma still mysteriously +alludes as "il capitano." He bowed ceremoniously as he entered the +carriage and stowed the inevitable enormous valise in the rack, and his +eye brightened intelligently as he saw we were a family of American +tourists. He wore a rather seamy black uniform and a soft felt hat with +cocks' feathers drooping over it, and a sword and a ridiculously amiable +expression for a man. I don't think he was five feet high, but his +moustache and his feathers and his sword were out of all proportion. +There was a gentle trustful exuberance about him which suggested that, +although it was possibly twenty-five years since he was born, his age +was much less than that. He twirled his moustache in voluble silence for +ten minutes while we all furtively scrutinised him with the curiosity +inspired by a foreigner of any size, and then with a smile of conscious +sweetness he asked the Senator if he might take the liberty to give the +trouble to see the English newspaper for a few seconds only. "I should +be too thankful," he added. + +"Why certainly," said poppa, much gratified. "I see you spikkum +English," he added encouragingly. + +"I speak--um, _si_. I have learned some--a few of them. But O very +baddili I speak them!" + +"I guess that's just your modesty," said poppa kindly. "But that's not +an English paper, you know--it's published in New York." + +"Ah!" he exclaimed with enthusiasm. "That will be much _much_ the more +pleasurable for me." His eyes shone with feeling. "In Italy," he added +with an impulsive gesture, "we love the American peoples beyond the +Londonian. We always remember that it was an Italian, Cristoforo +Col----" + +"I know," said poppa. "Very nice of you. But what's your reason now, for +preferring Americans as a nation?" + +We saw our first Italian shrug. It is more prolonged, more sentimental +than French ones. In this case it expressed the direct responsibility of +Fate. + +"I think," he said, "that they are more _simpatica_--sympatheticated to +us." He seemed to be unaware of me, but his eye rested upon momma at +this point, and took her into his confidence. + +"We also," said she reciprocally, "are always charmed to see Italians in +our country." + +I wondered privately whether she was thinking of hand organ men or +members of the Mafia society, but it was no opportunity to inquire. My +impression is that about this time, in spite of Tuscany outside, I went +to sleep, because my next recollection is of the little Captain pouring +Chianti out of a large black bottle into momma's jointed silver +travelling cup. I remember thinking when I saw that, that they must have +made progress. Scraps of conversation floated through my waking moments +when the train stopped--I heard momma ask him if his parents were both +living and where his home was. I also understood her to inquire whether +the Italians were domestic in their tastes or whether they were like the +French, who, she believed, had no home life at all. I saw the Senator +put a card in his pocket-book and restore it to his breast, and heard +him inquire whether his new Italian acquaintance wore his uniform every +day as a matter of choice or because he had to. An hour went by, and +when I finally awoke it was to see momma sitting by with folded hands +and an expression of much gratification while poppa gave a graphic +account of the rise and progress of the American baking-powder interest. +"I don't expect," said he, "you've ever heard of Wick's Electric +Corn-flour?" + +"It is my misfortune." + +"We sent thousands of cans to Southern Europe last year, sir. Or Wick's +Sublimated Soda?" + +"I am stupidissimo." + +"No, not at all. But I daresay your momma knows it, if she ever has +waffles on her breakfast table. Well, it's been a kind of kitchen +revolution. We began by making a hundred pounds a week--and couldn't +always get rid of it. Now--why the day before I sailed we sent six +thousand cans to the Queen of Madagascar. I hope she'll read the +instructions!" + +"It takes the breath. What splendid revenue must be from that!" + +The Senator merely smiled, and played with his watch chain. "I should +hate to brag," he said, but anyone could see from the absence of a +diamond ring on his little finger that he was a person of weight in his +community. + +"Oh!" said momma, "my daughter is awake at last! Mamie, let me introduce +Count Filgiatti. Count, my daughter. What a pity you went to sleep, +love. The Count has been giving us _such_ a delightful afternoon." + +The carriage swayed a good deal as the Count stood up to bow, but that +had no effect either upon the dignity or the gratification he expressed. +His pleasure was quite ingratiating, or would have been if he had been a +little taller. As it was, it was amusing, and I recognised an +opportunity for the study of Italian character. I don't mean that I made +up my mind to avail myself of it, but I saw that the opportunity was +there. + +"So you've been reading the _New York World_," I said kindly. + +"I have read, yes, two _avertissimi_. Not more, I fear. But they are +also amusing, the _avertissimi_." His voice was certainly agreeably +deferential, with a note of gratitude. + +"Now, if you wouldn't mind taking the corner opposite my daughter, +Count Filgiatti," put in poppa, "you and she could talk more +comfortably, and Mrs. Wick could put her feet up and get a little nap." + +"I am too happy if I shall not be a trouble to Mees," the Count +responded, beaming. And I said, "Dear me, no; how could he?" at which he +very obligingly changed his seat. + +I hardly know how we drifted into abstract topics. The Count's English +was so bad that my sense of humour should have confined him to the +weather and the scenery; but it is nevertheless true that about an hour +later, while the landscape turned itself into a soft, warm chromo in the +fading sunset, and both my parents soundly slept, we were discussing the +barrier of religion to marriage between Protestants and Roman Catholics. +I did not hesitate to express the most liberal sentiments. + +"Since there are to be no marriages in heaven," I said, "what difference +can it make, in married life, how people get there?" + +"The signor and signora think also so?" + +"Oh, I daresay poppa and momma have got their own opinions," I said, +"but that is mine." + +"You do not think as they!" he exclaimed. + +"I don't know what they think," I explained. "I haven't asked them. But +I've got my own thinker, you know." I searched for simple expressions, +and I seemed to make him understand. + +"So! Then this prejudice is dead for you, Senorita--_mees_?" + +"I like 'Senorita' best," I said. "I believe it is." At that moment I +divined that he was a Roman Catholic. How, I don't know. So I added, +"But I've never had the slightest reason to give it a thought." + +"That must be," he said softly, "because you never met, Senorita--may I +say this?--one single gentleman w'at is Catholic." + +"That's rather clever of you," I said. "Perhaps that _is_ why." + +The Italian character struck me as having interesting phases, but I did +not allow this impression to appear. I looked indifferently out of the +window. Italian sunsets are very becoming. + +"The signora, your mother, has told me that you have no brothers or +sisters, Mees Wick. She made me the confidence--it was most kind." + +"There never has been any secret about it, Count." + +"Then you have not even one?" Count Filgiatti's eyes were full of +melancholy sympathy. + +"I think," I said with coldness, "that in a matter of that kind, momma's +word should hardly need corroboration." + +"Ah, it is sad! With me what difference! Can you believe of eleven? And +the father with the saints! And I of course am the eldest of all." + +"Dear me," I said, "what a responsibility!" + +"Ah, you recognise! you understand the--the necessities, yes?" + +At that moment the train stopped at Civita Vecchia, and the Senator +awoke and put his hat on. "The Eternal City," he remarked when he +descried that the name of the station was not Rome, "appears to have an +eternal railway to match. There seems to be a feeding counter here +though--we might have another try at those slices of veal boiled in +tomatoes and smothered with macaroni that they give the pilgrim stranger +in these parts. You may lead the world in romance, Count, but you don't +put any of it in your railway refreshments." + +As we passed out into the smooth-toned talkative darkness, Count +Filgiatti said in my ear, "Mistra and Madame Wick have kindly consented +to receive my visit at the hotel to-morrow. Is it agreeable to you also +that I come?" + +And I said, "Why, certainly!" + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +We descended next morning to realise how original we were in being in +the plains of Italy in July. The Fulda people and the Miss Binghams and +Mrs. Portheris had prevented our noticing it before, but in the Hotel +Mascigni, Via del Tritone, we seemed to have arrived at a point of arid +solitude, which gave poppa a new and convincing sense of all he was +going through in pursuit of Continental culture. We sat in one corner of +the "Sala di mangiari" at a small square table, and in all the length +and breadth and sumptuousness of that magnificent apartment--Italian +hotel dining-rooms are always florid and palatial--there was only one +other little square table with a cloth on it and an appearance of +expectancy. The rest were heaped with chairs, bottom side up, with their +legs in the air; the chandeliers were tied up in brown holland, and +through a depressed and exhausted atmosphere, suggestive of magnificent +occasions temporarily in eclipse, moved, with a casual languid air, a +very tall waiter and a very short one. At mysterious exits to the rear +occasionally appeared the form of the _chef_ exchanging plates. It was +borne in upon one that in the season the _chef_ would be remanded to the +most inviolable seclusion. + +"Do you suppose Pompeii will be any worse than this?" inquired the +Senator. + +"Talk about Americans pervading the Continent," he continued, casting +his eye over the surrounding desolation. "Where are they? I should be +glad to see them. Great Scott! if it comes to that, I should be glad to +see a blooming Englishman!" + +It wasn't an answer to prayer, for there had been no opportunity for +devotion, but at that moment the door opened and admitted Mr., Mrs., and +Miss Emmeline Malt, and Miss Callis. The reunion was as rapt as the +Senator and Emmeline could make it, and cordial in every other respect. +Mr. Malt explained that they had come straight through from Paris, as +time was beginning to press. + +"We couldn't leave out Rome," he said, "on account of Mis' Malt's +mother--she made such a point of our seeing the prison of Saint Paul. In +her last letter she was looking forward very anxiously to our safe +return to get an account of it. She's a leader in our experience +meetings, and I couldn't somehow make up my mind to face her without +it." + +"Poppa," remarked Emmeline, "is not so foolish as he looks." + +"We were just wondering," exclaimed momma, "who that table was laid for. +But we never thought of _you_. Isn't it strange?" + +We agreed that it was little short of marvellous. + +The tall waiter strolled up for the commands of the Malt party. His +demeanour showed that he resented the Malts, who were, nevertheless, +innocent respectable people. As Emmeline ordered "_cafe au lait pour +tous"_ he scowled and made curious contortions with his lower jaw. +"Anything else you want?" he inquired, with obvious annoyance. + +"Yes," said Miss Callis. He further expressed his contempt by twisting +his moustache, and waited in silent disdain. + +"I want," said Miss Callis sweetly, leaning forward with her chin +artlessly poised in her hand, "to know if you are paid to make faces at +the guests of this hotel." + +There was laughter, above which Emmeline's crow rose loud and clear, and +as the waiter hastened away, suddenly transformed into a sycophant, +poppa remarked, "I see you've got those hotel tickets, too. Let me give +you a little pointer. Say nothing about it until next day. They are like +that sometimes. In being deprived of the opportunity of swindling us, +they feel that they've been done themselves." + +"Oh," said Mr. Malt, "we never reveal it for twenty-four hours. That +fellow must have smelled 'em on us. Now, how were you proposing to spend +the day?" + +"We're going to the Forum," remarked Emmeline. "Do come with us, Mr. +Wick. We should love to have you." + +"We mustn't forget the Count," said momma to the Senator. + +[Illustration: "Are you paid to make faces?"] + +"What Count?" Emmeline inquired. "Did you ever, momma! Mis' Wick knows +a count. She's been smarter than we have, hasn't she? Introduce him to +us, Mis' Wick." + +"Emmeline," said her mother severely, "you are as personal as ever you +can be. I don't know whatever Mis' Wick will think of you." + +"She's merely full of intelligent curiosity, Mis' Malt," said Mr. Malt, +who seemed to be in the last stage of infatuated parent. "I know you'll +excuse her," he added to momma, who said with rather frigid emphasis, +"Oh yes, we'll excuse her." But the hint was lost and Emmeline remained. +Poppa looked in his memorandum book and found that the Count was not to +arrive until 3 P.M. There was, therefore, no reason why we should not +accompany the Malts to the Forum, and it was arranged. + +A quarter of an hour later we were rolling through Rome. As a family we +were rather subdued by the idea that it was Rome, there was such immense +significance even in the streets with tramways, though it was rather an +atmosphere than anything of definite detail; but no such impression +weighed upon the Malts. They took Rome at its face value and refused to +recognise the unearned increment heaped up by the centuries. However, as +we were divided in two carriages, none of us had all the Malts. + +It was warm and dusty, the air had a malarious taste. We drove first, I +remember, to the American druggist's in the Piazza di Spagna for some +magnesia Mrs. Malt wanted for Emmeline, who had prickly heat. It was +annoying to have one's first Roman impressions confused with Emmeline +and magnesia and prickly heat; but Mrs. Malt appeared to think that Rome +attracted visitors chiefly by means of that American druggist. She said +she was perfectly certain we should find an American dentist there, too, +if we only took the time to look him up. I can't say whether she took +the time. We didn't. + +It was interesting, the Piazza di Spagna, because that is where +everybody who has read "Roba di Roma" knows that the English and +Americans have lived ever since the days when dear old Mr. Story and the +rest used to coach it from Civita Vecchia--in hotels, and pensions, and +apartments, the people in Marion Crawford's novels. We could only decide +that the plain, severe, many-storied houses with the shops underneath +had charms inside to compensate for their outward lack. Not a tree +anywhere, not a scrap of grass, only the lava pavement, and the view of +the druggist's shop and the tourists' agency office. Miss Callis said +she didn't see why man should be for ever bound up with the vegetable +creation--it was like living in a perpetual salad--and was disposed to +defend the Piazza di Spagna at all points, it looked so nice and +expensive. But Miss Callis's tastes were very distinctly urban. + +That druggist's establishment was on the Pincian Hill! It seemed, on +reflection, an outrage. We all looked about us, when we discovered +this, for the other six, and another of the foolish geographical +illusions of the school-room was shattered for each of us. The Rome of +my imagination was as distinctly seven-hilled as a quadruped is +four-legged, the Rome I saw had no eminences to speak of anywhere. +Perhaps, as poppa suggested, business had moved away from the hills and +we should find them in the suburbs, but this we were obliged to leave +unascertained. + +Through the warm empty streets we drove and looked at Rome. It was +driving through time, through history, through art, and going backward. +And through the Christian religion, for we started where the pillar of +Pius IX., setting forth the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception, +reaffirmed a modern dogma of the great church across the Tiber; and we +rattled on past other and earlier memorials of that church thick-built +into the Middle Ages, and of the Early Fathers, and of the very +Apostles. All heaped and crowded and over-built, solid and ragged, +decaying and defying decay, clinging to her traditions with both hands, +old Rome jostled before us. Presently uprose a great and crumbling arch +and a difference, and as we passed it the sound of the life of the city +died indistinctly away and a silence grew up, with the smell of the sun +upon grasses and weeds, and we stopped and looked down into Caesar's +world, which lay below us, empty. We gazed in silence for a moment, and +then Emmeline remarked that she could make as good a Forum with a box of +blocks. + +"I shouldn't wonder but what you express the sentiments of all +present," said her father admiringly. "Now is it allowable for us to go +down there and make ourselves at home amongst those antique pillars, or +have we got to take the show in from here?" + +"No, Malt," said the Senator, helping the ladies out, "I can't say I +agree with you. It's a dead city, that's what it is, and for my part +I've never seen anything so impressive." + +"Mr. Wick," remarked Miss Callis, "has not visited Philadelphia." + +"Well, for a municipal cemetery," returned Mr. Malt, "it's pretty +uncared for. If there was any enterprise in this capital it would be +suitably railed in with posts and chains, and a monument inscribed 'Here +lies Rome's former greatness' or something like that. But the Italians +haven't got a particle of go--I've noticed that all through." + +We went down the wooden stair, a century at a step, and presently walked +and talked, we seven Americans, in that elder Rome that most people know +so much better than the one with St. Peter's and the Corso, because of +the clinging nature of those early impressions which we construe for +ourselves with painful reference to lists of exceptions. We all felt +that it was a small place to have had so much to say to history, and +were obliged to remind ourselves that we weren't looking at the whole of +it. Poppa acknowledged that his tendency to compare it unfavourably, in +spite of the verdict of history, with Chicago was checked by a smell +from the Cloaca Maxima, which proved that the Ancient Romans probably +enjoyed enteric and sewer gas quite as much as we do, although under +names that are to be found only in dictionaries now. Mrs. Malt said the +place surprised her in being so yellow--she had always imagined pictures +of it to have been taken in the sunset, but now she saw that it was +perfectly natural. Acting upon Mr. Malt's advice, we did not attempt to +identify more than the leading features, and I remember distinctly, in +consequence, that the temple of Castor had three columns standing and +the temple of Saturn had eight, while of the Basilica Julia there was +nothing at all but the places where they used to be. Mrs. Malt said it +made her feel quite idolatrous to look at them, and for her part she +couldn't be sorry they had fallen so much into decay--it was only right +and proper. This launched Mr. and Mrs. Malt and my parents upon a +discussion which threatened to become unwisely polemic if Emmeline had +not briefly decided it in favour of Christianity. + +Momma and Mrs. Malt expressed a desire above all things to see the +temple and apartments of the Vestal Virgins, which Miss Callis with some +surprise begged them on no account to mention in the presence of the +gentlemen. + +"There are some things," remarked Miss Callis austerely, "from which no +respectable married lady would wish to lift the veil of the classics." + +Momma was inclined to argue the point, but Miss Callis looked so +shocked that she desisted. + +"Perhaps, Mrs. Wick," she said sarcastically, "you intend to go to see +the Baths of Caracallus!" + +To which momma replied certainly _not_, that was a very different thing. +And if I am unable to describe the Baths of Caracallus in this history, +it is on account of Miss Callis's personal influence and the remarkable +development of her sense of propriety. + +At momma's suggestion we walked slowly all round the Via Sacra, looking +steadily down at its little triangular original paving-stones, and tried +to imagine ourselves the shackled captives of Scipio. If the party had +not consisted so largely of Emmeline the effort might have been +successful. Fragments of exhumed statuary, discoloured and featureless, +stood tipped in rows along the shorn foundations and inspired in Mr. +Malt a serious curiosity. + +"The ancients," said Mr. Malt with conviction, "were every bit as smart +as the moderns, meaning born intelligence. Look at that ear--that ear +took talent. There isn't a terra-cotta factory in the United States that +could turn out a better ear to-day. But they hadn't what we call +gumption, they put all their capital into one line of business, and you +may be sure they swamped the market. If they'd just done a little +inventing now, instead--worried out the idea of steam, or gas, or +electricity--why Rome might never have fallen to this day." And no one +interfered with Mr. Malt's idea that the fall of Rome was a purely +commercial disaster. Doubtless it was out of regard for his feelings, +but he was exactly the sort of man to compel you to prove your +assertion. + +We found the boundaries of the first Forum of the Republic, and poppa, +pacing it in a soft felt hat and a silk duster, offered a Senatorial +contrast to history. He looked round him with dignity and made the +gesture which goes with his most sustained oratorical flights. "I +wouldn't have backed up Cato in everything," he said thoughtfully. "No. +There were occasions on which I should have voted against the old man, +and the little American school-boys of to-day would have had to decline +'Mugwumpus' in consequence." And at the thought of Cannae and Trasimene +the nineteenth century Senator from Illinois fiercely pulled his beard. + +We turned our pilgrim feet to where the Colosseum wheels against the sky +and gives up the world's eternal supreme note of splendour and of +cruelty; and along the solitary dusty Appian Way, as if it were a +country lane of the time we know, came a ragged Roman urchin with a +basket. Under the triumphal arch of Titus, where his forefathers jeered +at the Jews in manacled procession, we bargained with him for his purple +plums. He had the eyes and the smile of immemorial Italy for his own, +and the bones of Imperial Rome in equal inheritance, which he also +wished to sell, by the way, in jagged fragments from his trouser +pockets. And it linked up those early days with that particular +afternoon in a curiously simple way to think that from the Caesars to +King Humbert there has never been a year without just such +brown-cheeked, dark-eyed, imperfectly washed little Roman boys upon the +Appian Way. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +We were too late for the hotel _dejeuner_, and had to order it, I +remember, _a la carte_. That was why the Count was kept waiting. We were +kept waiting, too, which seemed at the moment of more importance, since +the atmosphere of the classics had given us excellent appetites. +Emmeline decided upon ices and _petits fours_ in the Corso for her +party, after which they were going to let nothing interfere with their +inspection of the prison of St. Paul; but we came back and ordered a +haricot. In the cavernous recesses beyond the door which opened +kitchen-ward, commands resounded, and a quarter of an hour later a boy +walked casually through the dining-room bearing beans in a basket. Time +went on, and the Senator was compelled to send word that he had not +ordered the repast for the following day. The small waiter then made a +pretence of activity, and brought vinegar and salt, and rolls and water. +"The peutates is notta-cooks," said he in deprecation, and we were +distressed to postpone the Count for those peutates. But what else was +possible? + +The dismaying part was that after luncheon had enabled us to regard a +little thing like that with equanimity, my parents abandoned it to me. +Momma said she knew she was missing a great deal, but she really didn't +feel equal to entertaining the Count; her back had given out completely. +The Senator wished to attend to his mail. With the assistance of his +letters and telegrams he was beginning to bear up wonderfully, and, as +it was just in, I hadn't the heart to interfere. "You can apologise for +us, daughter," said poppa, "and say something polite about our seeing +him later. Don't let him suppose we've gone back on him in any way. It's +a thing no young fellow in America would think of, but with these +foreigners you never can tell." + +I saw at once that the Count was annoyed. He was standing in the middle +of the salon, fingering his sword-hilt in a manner which expressed the +most absurd irritation. So I said immediately that I was awfully sorry, +but it seemed so difficult to get anything to eat in Rome at that time +of year, that the head-waiter was really responsible, and wouldn't he +sit down? + +"I don't know what you will think of us," I went on as we shook hands. +"How long have you been kind enough to wait, anyway?" + +"Since a quarter of an hour--only," replied the Count, with a difficult +smile, "but now that I see you it is forgotten all." + +"That's very nice of you," I said. "I assure you momma was quite worked +up about keeping you waiting. It's rather trying to the American +temperament to be obliged to order a hurried luncheon from the +market-gardener." + +"So! In America you have him not--the market garden? You are each his +own vegetable. Yes? Ah, how much better than the poor Italian! But +Mistra and Madame Wick, they have not, I hope, the indisposition?" + +"Well, I'm afraid they have, Count--something like that. They said I was +to ask you to excuse them. You see they've been sight-seeing the whole +morning, and that's something that can't be done by halves in your city. +The stranger has to put his whole soul into it, hasn't he?" + +"Ah, the whole soul! It is too fatiguing," Count Filgiatti assented. He +glanced at me uncertainly, and rose. "Kindly may I ask that you give my +deepest afflictions to Mistra and Madame Wick for their health?" + +"Oh," I said, "if you _must_! But I'm here, you know." I put no hauteur +into my tone, because I saw that it was a misunderstanding. + +He still hesitated and I remembered that the Filgiatti intelligence +probably dated from the Middle Ages, and had undergone very little +alteration since. "You have made such a short visit," I said. "I must be +a very bad substitute for momma and poppa." + +A flash of comprehension illuminated my visitor's countenance. "I pray +that you do not think such a wrong thing," he said impulsively. "If it +is permitted, I again sit down." + +"Do," said I, and he did. Anything else would have seemed perfectly +unreasonable, and yet for the moment he twisted his moustache, +apparently in the most foolish embarrassment. To put him at his ease, I +told him how lovely I thought the fountains. "That's one of your most +ideal connections with ancient history, don't you think?" I said. "The +fact that those old aqueducts of yours have been bringing down the water +to sparkle and ripple in Roman streets ever since." + +"Idealissimo! And the Trevi of Bernini--I hope you threw the soldi, so +that you must come back to Rome!" + +"We weren't quite sure which it was," I responded, "so poppa threw soldi +into all of them, to make certain. Sometimes he had to make two or three +shots," and I could not help smiling at the recollection. + +"Ah, the profusion!" + +"I don't suppose they came to a quarter of a dollar, Count. It is the +cheapest of your amusements." + +The Count reflected for a moment. + +"Then you wish to return to Rome," he said softly; "you take interest +here?" + +"Why yes," I said, "I'm not a barbarian. I'm from Illinois." + +"Then why do you go away?" + +"Our time is so limited." + +"Ah, Mees Wick, you have all of your life." The Italians certainly have +exquisite voices. + +"That is true," I said thoughtfully. + +"Many young American ladies now live always in Italy," pursued Count +Filgiatti. + +"Is that so?" I replied pleasantly. "They are domiciled here with their +parents?" + +"Y--yes. Sometimes it is like that. And sometimes----" + +"Sometimes they are working in the studios. I know. A delightful life it +must be." + +The Count looked at the carpet. "Ah, signorina, you misunderstand my +poor English," he said; "she means quite different." + +It was not coquetry which induced me to cast down my eyes. + +"The American young lady will sometimes contract alliance." + +"Oh!" I exclaimed. + +"Yes. And if it is a good arrangimento it is always quite _quite_ +happy." + +"We are said," I observed thoughtfully, "to be able, as a people, to +accommodate ourselves to circumstances." + +"You approve this idea! Signorina, you are so amiable, it is heavenly." + +"I see no objection to it," I said. "It is entirely a matter of taste." + +"And the American ladies have much taste," observed Count Filgiatti +blandly. + +"I'm afraid it isn't infallible," I said, "but it is charming to hear it +approved." + +"The American lady comes in Italy. She is young, beautiful, with a +grace--ah! And perhaps there is a little income--a few dollar--but we do +not speak of that--it is a trifle, only to make possible the +arrangimento." + +"I see," I said. + +"The American lady is so perceiving--it is also a charm. The Italian +gentleman has a dignity of his. He is perhaps from a family a little +old. It is nothing--the matter is of the heart--but it makes possible +the arrangimento." + +"I have read of such things before," I said, "in the newspapers. It is +most amusing to hear them corroborated on the spot. But that is one of +the charms of travel, Count Filgiatti." + +The Count hesitated and a shade of indecision crossed his swarthy little +features. Then he added simply, "For me she has always been a vision, +that American lady. It is for this that I study the English. I have +thought, 'When I meet one of those so charming Americans, I will do my +possible.'" + +I could not help thinking of that family of eleven and the father with +the saints. It was pathetic to feel one's self a realised vision without +any capacity for beneficence--worse in some respects than being obliged +to be unkind to hopes with no financial basis. It made one feel somehow +so mercenary. But before I could think of anything to say--it was such a +difficult juncture--the Count went on. + +"But in the Italian idea it is better first one thing to know--the +agreement of the American signorina. If she will not, the Italian +nobleman is too much disgrace. It is not good to offer the name and the +title if the lady say no, I do not want--take that poor thing away." + +How artless it was! Yet my sympathy ebbed immediately. Not my curiosity, +however. Perhaps at this or an earlier point I should have gone blushing +away and forever pondered in secret the problem of Count Filgiatti's +intentions. I confess that it didn't even occur to me--it was such a +little Count and so far beyond the range of my emotions. Instead, I +smiled in a non-committal way and said that Count Filgiatti's prudence +was most unique. + +"With a friend to previously discover then it is easy. But perhaps the +lady will have no friends in Italy." + +"You would have to be prepared for that," I said. "Certainly." + +"Also she perhaps quickly go away. The Americans are so instantaneous. +Maybe my vision fade like--like anything." + +"In a perspective of tourists' coupons," I suggested. + +For a moment there was silence, through which we could hear the +scrubbing-brush of the chambermaid on the marble hall of the first +floor. It seemed a final note of desolation. + +"If I must speak of myself believe me it is not a nobody the Count +Filgiatti," he went on at last. "Two Cardinals I have had in my family +and one is second cousin to the Pope." + +"Fancy the Pope's having relations!" I said, "but I suppose there is +nothing to prevent it." + +"Nothing at all. In my family I have had many ambassadors, but that was +a little formerly. Once a Filgiatti married with a Medici--but these +things are better for Mistra and Madame Wick to inquire." + +"Poppa is very much interested in antiquities, but I'm afraid there will +hardly be time, Count Filgiatti." + +"Listen, I will say all! Always they have been much too large, the +families Filgiatti. So now perhaps we are a little _re_duce. But there +is still somethings-ah--signorina, can you pardon that I speak these +things, but the time is so small--there is fifteen hundred lire yearly +revenue to my pocket." + +"About three hundred dollars," I observed sympathetically. Count +Filgiatti nodded with the smile of a conscious capitalist. "Then of +course," I said, "you won't marry for money." I'm afraid this was a +little unkind, but I was quite sure the Count would perceive no irony, +and said it for my own amusement. + +"_Jamais!_ In Italy you will find that never! The Italian gives always +the heart before--before----" + +"The arrangimento," I suggested softly. + +"Indeed, yes. There is also the seat of the family." + +"The seat of the family," I repeated. "Oh--the family seat. Of course, +being a Count, you have a castle. They always go together. I had +forgotten." + +"A castle I cannot say, but for the country it is very well. It is not +amusing there, in Tuscany. It is a little out of repairs. Twice a year I +go to see my mother and all those brothers and sisters--it is enough! +And the Countess, my mother, has said to me two hundred times, 'Marry +with an Americaine, Nicco--it is my command.' 'Nicco,' she calls me--it +is what you call jack-name." + +The Count smiled deprecatingly, and looked at me with a great deal of +sentiment, twisting his moustache. Another pause ensued. It's all very +well to say I should have dismissed him long before this, but I should +like to know on what grounds? + +"I wish very much to write my mother that I have found the American lady +for a new Countess Filgiatti," he said at last with emotion. + +"Well," I said awkwardly, "I hope you will find her." + +"Ah, Mees Wick," exclaimed the Count recklessly, "you are that American +lady. When I saw you in the railway I said, 'It is my vision!' At once I +desired to embrace the papa. And he was not cold with me--he told me of +the soda. I had courage, I had hope. At first when I see you to-day I +am a little derange. In the Italian way I speak first with the papa. +Then came a little thought in my heart--no, it is propitious! In America +the daughter maka always her own arrangimento. So I am spoken." + +At this I rose immediately. I would not have it on my conscience that I +toyed with the matrimonial proposition of even an Italian Count. + +"I think I understand you, Count Filgiatti," I said--There is something +about the most insignificant proposal that makes one blush in a +perfectly absurd way. I have never been able to get over it--"and I fear +I must bring this interview to a close. I----" + +"Ah, it is too embarrassing for you! It is experience very new, very +strange." + +"No," I said, regaining my composure, "not at all. But the fact is, +Count Filgiatti, the transaction you propose doesn't appeal to me. It is +too business-like to be sentimental, and too sentimental to be +business-like. I'm sorry to seem disobliging, but I really couldn't make +up my mind to marry a gentleman for his ancestors who are dead, even if +he was willing to marry me for my income which may disappear. Poppa is +very speculative. But I know there's a certain percentage of Americans +who think a count with a family seat is about the only thing worth +bringing away from Europe, now that we manufacture so much for +ourselves, and if I meet any of them I'll bear you in mind." + +"_Upon my word!_" + +It was Mrs. Portheris, in the doorway behind us, just arrived from +Siena. + + * * * * * + +I mentioned the matter to my parents, thinking it might amuse them, and +it did. From a business point of view, however, poppa could not help +feeling a certain amount of sympathy for the Count. "I hope, daughter," +he said, "you didn't give him the ha-ha to his face." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +There is the very tenderness of desolation upon the Appian Way. To me it +suggested nothing of the splendour of Roman villas and the tragedy of +flying Emperors. It spoke only of itself, lying over the wide silence of +the noon-day fields, historic doubtless, but noon-day certainly. +Something lives upon the warm stretches of the Appian Way, something +that talks of the eternal and unchangeable, and yet has the pathos of +the fragmentary and the lost. Perhaps it is the ghost of a genius that +has failed of reincarnation, and inspires the weeds and the leaf-shadows +instead. Thinking of it, one remembers only an almond tree in flower, +that grew beside a ruined arch by the wayside--both quite alone in the +sunlight--and perhaps of a meek, young, marble Cecilia, unquestioningly +prostrate, submissive to the axe. + +We were on our way to the Catacombs, momma, the Senator, and Mrs. +Portheris in one carriage, R. Dod, Mr. Mafferton, Isabel, and I in the +other. I approved of the arrangement, because the mutually distant +understanding that existed between Mr. Mafferton and me had already been +the subject of remark by my parents. ("For old London acquaintances you +and Mr. Mafferton seem to have very little to say to each other," momma +had observed that very morning.) It was borne in upon me that this was +absurd. People have no business to be estranged for life because one of +them has happened to propose to the other, unless, of course, he has +been accepted and afterwards divorced, which is quite a different thing. +Besides, there was Dicky to think of. I decided that there was a medium +in all things, and to help me to find it I wore a blouse from Madame +Valerie in the Rue de l'Opera, which cost seven times its value, and was +naturally becoming. Perhaps this was going to extreme measures; but he +was a recalcitrant Englishman, and for Dicky's sake one had to think of +everything. + +Englishmen have a genius for looking uncomfortable. Their feelings are +terribly mixed up with their personal appearance. It was some time +before Mr. Mafferton would consent to be even tolerably at his ease, +though I made a distinct effort to show that I bore no malice. It must +have been the mere memory of the past that embarrassed him, for the +other two were as completely unaware of his existence as they well could +be in the same carriage. For a time, as I talked in commonplaces, Mr. +Mafferton in monosyllables, and Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris in regards, +the most sordid realist would have hesitated to chronicle our +conversation. + +"When," I inquired casually, "are you thinking of going back, Mr. +Mafferton?" + +"To town? Not before October, I fancy!" + +"Even in Rome," I observed, "London is 'town' to you, isn't it? What a +curious thing insular tradition is!" + +"I suppose Rome was invented first," he replied haughtily. + +"Why yes," I said; "while the ancestors of Eaton-square were running +about in blue paint and bear-skins, and Albert Gate, in the directory, +was a mere cave. What do you suppose," I went on, following up this line +of thought, "when you were untutored savages, was your substitute for +the Red Book?" + +"Really," said this Englishman, "I haven't an idea. Perhaps as you have +suggested they had no ad_dresses_." + +For a moment I felt quite depressed. "Did you think it was a conundrum?" +I asked. "You so often remind me of _Punch_, Mr. Mafferton." + +I shouldn't have liked anyone to say that to me, but it seemed to have +quite a mollifying effect upon Mr. Mafferton. He smiled and pulled his +moustache in the way Englishmen always do, when endeavouring to absorb a +compliment. + +"Dear old London," I went on reminiscently, "what a funny experience it +was!" + +"To the Transatlantic mind," responded Mr. Mafferton stiffly, "one can +imagine it instructive." + +"It was a revelation to mine," I said earnestly--"a revelation." Then, +remembering Mr. Mafferton's somewhat painful connection with the +revelation, I added carefully, "From a historic point of view. The +Tower, you know, and all that." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Mafferton, with a distant eye upon the Campagna. + +It was really very difficult. + +"Do you remember the day we went to Madame Tussaud's?" I asked. Perhaps +my intonation was a little dreamy. "I shall _never_ forget William the +Conqueror--never." + +"Yes--yes, I think I do." It was clearly an effort of memory. + +"And now," I said regretfully, "it can never be the same again." + +"Certainly not." He used quite unnecessary emphasis. + +"William and the others having been since destroyed by fire," I +continued. Mr. Mafferton looked foolish. "What a terrible scene that +must have been! Didn't you feel when all that royal wax melted as if the +dynasties of England had been wrecked over again! What effect did it +have on dear old Victoria?" + +"One question at a time," said Mr. Mafferton, and I think he smiled. + +"Now you remind me of Sandford and Merton," I said, "and a place for +everything and everything in its place. And punctuality is the thief of +time. And many others." + +"You haven't got it _quite_ right," said Mr. Mafferton with incipient +animation. "May I correct you? 'Procrastination,' not 'punctuality.'" + +"Thanks," I said. I could not help observing that for quite five minutes +Mr. Mafferton had made no effort to overhear the conversation between +Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris. It was a trifle, but life is made up of +little things. + +"I don't believe we adorn our conversation with proverbs in America as +much as we did," I continued. "I guess it takes too long. If you make +use of a proverb you see, you've got to allow for reflection first, and +reflection afterwards, and a sigh, and very few of us have time for +that. It is one of our disadvantages." + +Mr. Mafferton heard me with attention. + +"Really!" he said in quite his old manner when we used to discuss +Presidential elections and peanuts and other features of life in my +republic. "That is a fact of some interest--but I see you cling to one +little Americanism, Miss Wick. Do you remember"--he actually looked +arch--"once assuring me that you intended to abandon the verb to +'guess'?" + +"I don't know why we should leave all the good words to Shakespeare," I +said, "but I was under a great many hallucinations about the American +language in England, and I daresay I did." + +If I responded coldly, it was at the thought of my last interview with +poor dear Arthur, and his misprised larynx. But at this moment a wildly +encouraging sign from Dicky reminded me that his interests and not my +own emotions were to be considered. + +"We mustn't reproach each other, must we," I said softly. "_I_ don't +bear a particle of malice--really and truly." + +Mr. Mafferton cast a glance of alarm at Mr. Dod and Miss Portheris, who +were raptly exchanging views as to the respective merits of a cleek and +a brassey shot given certain peculiar bunkers and a sandy green--as if +two infatuated people talking golf would have ears for anything else! + +"Not on any account," he said hurriedly. + +"The best quality of friendship sometimes arises out of the most +unfortunate circumstances," I added. The sympathy in my voice was for +Dicky and Isabel. + +Mr. Mafferton looked at me expressively and the carriage drew up at the +Catacombs of St. Callistus. Mrs. Portheris was awaiting us by the gate, +however, so in getting out I gave my hand to Dicky. + +Inside and outside the gate, how quiet it was. Nothing on the Appian Way +but dust and sunlight, nothing in the field within the walls but +yellowing grass and here and there a field-daisy bending in the silence. +It made one think of an old faded water-colour, washed in with tears, +that clings to its significance though all its reality is gone. Then we +saw a little bare house to the left with an open door, and inside found +Brothers Demetrius and Eusebius in Trappist gowns and ropes, who would +sell us beads for the profitable employment of our souls, and chocolate +and photographs, and wonderful eucalyptus liqueur from the Three +Fountains, and when we had well bought would show us the city of the +long, long dead of which they were custodians. They were both obliging +enough to speak English, Brother Demetrius imperfectly and haltingly, +and without the assistance of those four front teeth which are so +especially necessary to a foreign tongue, Brother Eusebius fluently, and +with such richness of dialect that we were not at all surprised to learn +that he had served his Pope for some years in the State of New York. + +"For de ladi de chocolate. Ith it not?" said Brother Demetrius, with an +inducive smile. "It ith de betht in de worl', dis chocolate." + +"Don't you believe him," said Brother Eusebius, "he's known as the +oldest of the Roman frauds. Wants your money, that's what he wants." +Brother Demetrius shook his fist in amicable, wagging protest. "That's +the way he goes on, you know--quarrelsome old party. But I don't say +it's bad chocolate. Try it, young lady, try it." + +He handed a bit to Isabel, who looked at her momma. + +"There is no possible objection, my dear," said Mrs. Portheris, and she +nibbled it. + +Dicky invested wildly. + +"Dese photograff dey are very pritty," remarked Brother Demetrius to +momma, who was turning over some St. Stephens and St. Cecilias. + +"He'd say anything to sell them," put in Brother Eusebius. "He never +thinks of his immortal soul, any more than if he was a poor miserable +heretic. He'll tell you they're originals next, taken by Nero at the +time. You're all good Catholics, of course?" + +"We are not any kind of Catholics," said Mrs. Portheris severely. + +"I'll give you my blessing all the same, and no extra charge. But the +saints forbid that I should be selling beads made out of their precious +bones to Protestants." + +"I'll take that string," said momma. + +"I wouldn't do it on any account," continued Brother Eusebius, as he +wrapped them up in blue paper, but momma still attaches a certain amount +of veneration to those beads. + +"And what can I do for you, sir?" continued Brother Eusebius to the +Senator, rubbing his hands. "What'll be the next thing?" + +"The Early Christians," replied poppa laconically, "if it's all the same +to you." + +"Just in half a shake. Don't hurry yourselves. They'll keep, you +know--they've kept a good long while already. Now you, madam," said +Brother Eusebius to Mrs. Portheris, "have never had the influenza, I +know. It only attacks people advanced in life." + +"Indeed I have," replied that lady. "Twice." + +"Is that so! Well, you never _would_ have had it if you'd been protected +with this liqueur of ours. It's death and burial on influenza," and +Brother Eusebius shook the bottle. + +"I consider," said Mrs. Portheris solemnly, "that eucalyptus in another +form saved my life. But I inhaled it." + +"Tho," ventured Brother Demetrius, "tho did I. But the wine ith for +internal drinking." + +"Listen to him! _E_ternal drinking, that's what he means. You never saw +such an old boy for the influenza--gets it every week or so. How many +bottles, madam? Just a nip, after dinner, and you don't know how poetic +it will make you feel into the bargain." + +"One bottle," replied Mrs. Portheris, "the larger size, please. Anything +with eucalyptus in it must be salutary. And as we are going underground, +where it is bound to be damp, I think I'll have a little now." + +"That's what I call English common-sense," exclaimed Brother Eusebius, +getting out a glass. "Will nobody keep the lady company? It's Popish, +but it's good." + +Nobody would. Momma observed rather uncautiously that the smell of it +was enough, at which Mrs. Portheris remarked, with some asperity, that +she hoped Mrs. Wick would never be obliged to be indebted to the +"smell." "It is quite excellent," she said, "_most_ cordial. I really +think, as a precaution, I'll take another glass." + +"Isn't it pretty strong?" asked poppa. + +[Illustration: We followed the monks.] + +"The influenza is stronger," replied Mrs. Portheris oracularly, and +finished her second potation. + +"And nothing," said Brother Eusebius sadly, "for the gentleman standing +outside the door, who doesn't approve of encouraging the Roman Catholic +Church in any respect whatever. Dear me! dear me! we do get some queer +customers." At which Mr. Mafferton frowned portentously. But nothing +seemed to have any effect on Brother Eusebius. + +"There are such a lot of you, and you are sure to be so inquisitive, +that we'll both go with you," said he, and took candles from a shelf. +Not ordinary candles at all--coils of long, slender strips, with one end +turned up to burn. At the sight of them momma shuddered and said she +hadn't thought it would be dark, and took the Senator's arm as a +precautionary measure. Then we followed the monks Eusebius and +Demetrius, who wrapped shawls round their sloping shoulders and hurried +across the grass towards the little brick entrance to the Catacombs, +shading their candles from the wind that twisted their brown gowns round +their legs, with all the anxiety to get it over shown by janitors of +buildings of this world. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +At first through the square chambers of the early Popes and the narrow +passages lined with empty cells, nearest to the world outside, we kept +together, and it was mainly Eusebius who discoursed of the building of +the Catacombs, which he informed us had a pagan beginning. + +"But our blessed early bishops said, 'Why should the devil have all the +accommodations?' and when once the Church got its foot in there wasn't +much room for _him_. But a few pagans there are here to this day in +better company than they ever kept above ground," remarked Brother +Eusebius. + +"Can you tell them apart?" asked Mr. Dod, "the Christians and the +Pagans?" + +"Yes," replied that holy man, "by the measurements of the jaw-bone. The +Christians, you see, were always lecturing the other fellows, so their +jaw-bones grew to an awful size. Some of 'em are simply parliamentary." + +"Dat," said Brother Demetrius anxiously--as nobody had laughed--"ith a +joke." + +"I noticed the intention," said poppa. "It's down in the guide-book +that you've been 'absolved from the vow of silence'--is that correct?" + +"Right you are," said Brother Eusebius. "What about it?" + +"Oh, nothing--only it explains a good deal. I guess you enjoy it, don't +you?" + +But Brother Eusebius was bending over a cell in better preservation than +most of them, and was illuminating with his candle the bones of the +dweller in it. The light flickered on the skull of the Early Christian +and the tonsure of the modern one and made comparisons. It also cut the +darkness into solid blocks, and showed us broken bits of marble, faint +stains of old frescoes, strange rough letters, and where it wavered +furthest the uncertain lines of a graven cross. + +"Here's one of the original inhabitants," remarked Eusebius. "He's been +here all the time. I hope the ladies don't mind looking at him in his +bones?" + +"Thee, you can pick him up," said old Demetrius, handing a thigh-bone to +momma, who shrank from the privilege. "It ith quite dry." + +"It seems such a liberty," she said, "and he looks so incomplete without +it. Do put it back." + +"That's the way I feel," remarked Dicky, "but I don't believe he'd mind +our looking at a toe-bone. Are his toe-bones all there?" + +"No," replied Demetrius, "I have count another day and he ith nine only. +Here ith a few." + +"It is certainly a very solemn and unusual privilege," remarked Mr. +Mafferton, as the toe-bones went round, "to touch the mortal remnant of +an Early Christian." + +"That altogether depends," said the Senator, "upon what sort of an Early +Christian he was. Maybe he was a saint of the first water, and maybe he +was a pillar of the church that ran a building society. Or, maybe, he +was only an average sort of Early Christian like you or me, in which +case he must be very uncomfortable at the idea of inspiring so much +respect. How are you going to tell?" + +"The gentleman is right," said Brother Eusebius, and in considering +poppa's theory in its relation to the doubtful character before them +nobody noticed, except me, the petty larceny, by Richard Dod, of one +Early Christian toe-bone. His expression, I am glad to say, made me +think he had never stolen anything before; but you couldn't imagine a +more promising beginning for a career of embezzlement. As we moved on I +mentioned to him that the man who would steal the toe-bone of an Early +Christian, who had only nine, was capable of most crimes, at which he +assured me that he hadn't such a thing about him outside of his boots, +which shows how one wrong step leads to another. + +We fell presently into two parties--Dicky, Mrs. Portheris, and I holding +to the skirts of Brother Demetrius. Brother Demetrius knew a great deal +about the Latin inscriptions and the history of Pope Damasus and the +chapel of the Bishops, and how they found the body of St. Cecilia, +after eight hundred years, fresh and perfect, and dressed in rich +vestments embroidered in gold; but his way of imparting it seriously +interfered with the value of his information, and we looked regretfully +after the other party. + +"Here we have de tomb of Anterus and Fabianus----" + +"I think we should keep up with the rest," interrupted Mrs. Portheris. + +"Oh, I too, I know all dese Catacomb--I will take you everywheres--and +here, too, we have buried Entychianus." + +"Where is Brother Eusebius taking the others?" asked Dicky. + +"Now I tell you: he mith all de valuable ting, he is too fat and lazy; +only joke, joke, joke. And here we has buried Epis--martyr. Epis he wath +_martyr_." + +The others, with their lights and voices, came into full view where four +passages met in a cubicle. "Oh," cried Isabel, catching sight of us, +"_do_ come and see Jonah and the whale. It's too funny for anything." + +"And where Damathuth found here the many good thainth he----" + +"We would like to see Jonah," entreated Dicky. + +"Well," said Brother Demetrius crossly, "you go thee him--you catch up. +I will no more. You do not like my Englis' very well. You go with fat +old joke-fellow, and I return the houth. Bethide, it ith the day of my +lumbago." And the venerable Demetrius, with distinct temper, turned his +back on us and waddled off. + +We looked at each other in consternation. + +"I'm afraid we've hurt his feelings," said Dicky. + +"You must go after him, Mr. Dod, and apologize," commanded Mrs. +Portheris. + +"Do you suppose he knows the way out?" I asked. + +"It _is_ a shame," said Dicky. "I'll go and tell him we'd rather have +him than Jonah any day." + +Brother Demetrius was just turning a corner. Darkness encompassed him, +lying thick between us. He looked, in the light of his candle, like +something of Rembrandt's suspended for a moment before us. Dicky started +after him, and, presently, Mrs. Portheris and I were regarding each +other with more friendliness than I would have believed possible across +our flaring dips in the silence of the Catacombs. + +"Poor old gentleman," I said; "I hope Mr. Dod will overtake him." + +"So do I, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris. "I fear we have been very +inconsiderate. But young people are always so impatient," she added, and +put the blame where it belonged. + +I did not retaliate with so much as a reproachful glance. Even as a +censor Mrs. Portheris was so eminently companionable at the moment. But +as we waited for Dicky's return neither of us spoke again. It made too +much noise. Minutes passed, I don't know how many, but enough for us to +look cautiously round to see if there was anything to sit on. There +wasn't, so Mrs. Portheris took my arm. We were not people to lean on +each other in the ordinary vicissitudes of life, and even under the +circumstances I was aware that Mrs. Portheris was a great deal to +support, but there was comfort in every pound of her. At last a faint +light foreshadowed itself in the direction of Dicky's disappearance, and +grew stronger, and was resolved into a candle and a young man, and Mr. +Dod, very much paler than when he left, was with us again. Mrs. +Portheris and I started apart as if scientifically impelled, and +exclaimed simultaneously, "Where is Brother Demetrius?" + +"Nowhere in this graveyard," said Dicky. "He's well upstairs by this +time. Must have taken a short cut. I lost sight of him in about two +seconds." + +"That was very careless of you, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, "very +careless indeed. Now we have no option, I suppose, but to rejoin the +others; and where are they?" + +They were certainly not where they had been. Not a trace nor an +echo--not a trace nor an echo--of anything, only parallelograms of +darkness in every direction, and our little circle of light flickering +on the tombs of Anterus, and Fabianus, and Entychianus, and +Epis--martyr--and we three within it, looking at each other. + +"If you don't mind," said Dicky, "I would rather not go after them. I +think it's a waste of time. Personally I am quite contented to have +rejoined you. At one time I thought I shouldn't be able to, and the idea +was trying." + +"We wouldn't _dream_ of letting you go again," said Mrs. Portheris and I +simultaneously. "But," continued Mrs. Portheris, "we will all go in +search of the others. They can't be very far away. There is nothing so +alarming as standing still." + +We proceeded along the passage in the direction of our last glimpse of +our friends and relatives, passing a number of most interesting +inscriptions, which we felt we had not time to pause and decipher, and +came presently to a divergence which none of us could remember. Half of +the passage went down three steps, and turned off to the left under an +arch, and the other half climbed two, and immediately lost itself in +blackness of darkness. In our hesitation Dicky suddenly stooped to a +trace of pink in the stone leading upward, and picked it up--three rose +petals. + +"That settles it," he exclaimed. "Isa--Miss Portheris was wearing a +rose. I gave it to her myself." + +"Did you, indeed," said Isabel's mamma coldly. "My dear child, how +anxious she will be!" + +"Oh, I should think not," I said hopefully. "I am sure she can trust Mr. +Dod to take care of himself--and of us, too, for the matter of that." + +"Mr. Dod!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris with indignation. "My poor child's +anxiety will be for her mother." + +And we let it go at that. But Dicky put the rose petals in his pocket +with the toe-bone, and hopefully remarked that there would be no +difficulty about finding her now. I mentioned that I had parents also, +at that moment, lost in the Catacombs, but he did not apologize. + +The midnight of the place, as we walked on, seemed to deepen, and its +silence to grow more profound. The tombs passed us in solemn grey +ranges, one above the other--the long tombs of the grown-up people, and +the shorter ones of the children, and the very little ones of the +babies. The air held a concentrated dolor of funerals sixteen centuries +old, and the four dim stone walls seemed to have crept closer together. +"I think I will take your arm, Mr. Dod," said Mrs. Portheris, and "I +think I will take your other arm, Mr. Dod," said I. + +"Thank you," replied Dicky, "I should be glad of both of yours," which +may look ambiguous now, but we quite understood it at the time. It made +rather uncomfortable walking in places, but against that overwhelming +majority of the dead it was comforting to feel ourselves a living unit. +We stumbled on, taking only the most obvious turnings, and presently the +passage widened into another little square chamber. "More bishops!" +groaned Dicky, holding up his candle. + +"Perhaps," I replied triumphantly, "but Jonah, anyway," and I pointed +him out on the wall, in two shades of brown, a good deal faded, being +precipitated into the jaws of a green whale with paws and horns and a +smile, also a curled body and a three-forked tail. The wicked deed had +two accomplices only, who had apparently stopped rowing to do it. +Underneath was a companion sketch of the restitution of Jonah, in +perfect order, by the whale, which had, nevertheless, grown considerably +stouter in the interval, while an amiable stranger reclined in an arbor, +with his hand under his head, and looked on. + +"As a child your intelligence promised well," said Dicky; "that _is_ +Jonah, though not of the Revised Version. I don't think Bible stories +ought to be illustrated, do you, Mrs. Portheris? It has such a bad +effect on the imagination." + +"We can talk of that at another time, Mr. Dod. At present I wish to be +restored to my daughter. Let us push on at once. And please explain how +it is that we have had to walk so far to get to this place, which was +only a few yards from where we were standing when Brother Demetrius left +us!" Mrs. Portheris's words were commanding, but her tone was the tone +of supplication. + +"I'm afraid I can't," said Dicky, "but for that very reason I think we +had better stay where we are. They are pretty sure to look for us here." + +"I cannot possibly wait to be looked for. I must be restored to my +daughter! You must make an effort, Mr. Dod. And, now that I think of it, +I have left the key of our boxes in the drawer of the dressing-table, +and the key of that is in it, and the housemaid has the key of the +room. It is absolutely necessary that I should go back to the hotel at +once." + +"My dear lady," said Dicky, "don't you realize that we are lost?" + +"Lost! Impossible! _Shout_, Mr. Dod!" + +Dicky shouted, and all the Early Christians answered him. There are said +to be seven millions. Mrs. Portheris grasped his arm convulsively. + +"Don't do that again," she said, "on any account. Let us go on!" + +"Much better not," protested Dicky. + +"On! on!" commanded Mrs. Portheris. There was no alternative. We put +Dicky in the middle again, and cautiously stepped out. A round of blue +paper under our chaperone's arm caught the eye of Mr. Dod. "What luck!" +he exclaimed, "you have brought the liqueur with you, Mrs. Portheris. I +think we'd better all have some, if you don't mind. I've been in warmer +cemeteries." + +As she undid the bottle, Mrs. Portheris declared that she already felt +the preliminary ache of influenza. She exhorted us to copious draughts, +but it was much too nasty for more than a sip, though warming to a +degree. + +"Better take very little at a time," Dicky suggested, but Mrs. Portheris +reaffirmed her faith in the virtues of eucalyptus, and with such majesty +as was compatible with the neck of the bottle, drank deeply. Then we +stumbled on. Presently Mrs. Portheris yawned widely twice, thrice, and +again. "I beg your pardon," said she, "I don't seem able to help it." + +"It's the example of these gaping sepulchres," Dicky replied. "Don't +apologize." + +The passages grew narrower and more complex, the tombs more irregular. +We came to one that partly blocked the path, tilted against the main +wall like a separate sarcophagus, though it was really part of the solid +rock. Looking back, a wall seemed to have risen behind us; it was a +distinctly perplexing moment, hard upon the nerves. The tomb was empty, +except for a few bones that might have been anything huddled at the +bottom, and Mrs. Portheris sat down on the lower end of it. "I really do +not feel able to go any further," she said; "the ascent is so +perpendicular." + +I was going to protest that the place was as level as a street, but +Dicky forestalled me. "Eucalyptus," he said soothingly, "often has that +effect." + +"We are lost," continued Mrs. Portheris lugubriously, "in the Catacombs. +We may as well make up our minds to it. We came here this morning at ten +o'clock, and I should think, I should think--thish mus' be minnight on +the following day." + +"My watch has run down," said Dicky, "but you are probably quite right, +Mrs. Portheris." + +"It is doubtful," Mrs. Portheris went on, pulling herself together, +"whether we are ever found. There are nine hundred miles of Catacombs. +Unless we become cannibals we are likely to die of starvation. If we do +become cannibals, Mr. Dod," she added, sternly endeavouring to look +Dicky in the eye, "I hope you will remember what ish due to ladies." + +"I will offer myself up gladly," said he, and I could not help +reflecting upon the comfort of a third party with a sense of humour +under the circumstances. + +"Thass right," said Mrs. Portheris, nodding approvingly, and much +oftener than was necessary. "Though there isn't much on you--you won't +go very far." Then after a moment of gloomy reflection she blew out her +candle, and, before I could prevent it, mine also. Dicky hastily put his +out of reach. + +"Three candles at once," she said virtuously, "in a room of this size! +It is wicked extravagance, neither more nor less." + +I assure you you would have laughed, even in the Catacombs, and Dicky +and I mutually approached the borders of hysteria in our misplaced +mirth. Mrs. Portheris smiled in unison somewhat foolishly, and we saw +that slumber was overtaking her. Gradually and unconsciously she slipped +down and back, and presently rested comfortably in the sepulchre of her +selection, sound asleep. + +"She is right in it," said Dicky, holding up his candle. "She's a lulu," +he added disgustedly, "with her eucalyptus." + +This was disrespectful, but consider the annoyance of losing a third of +our forces against seven million Early Christian ghosts. We sat down, +Dicky and I, with our backs against the tomb of Mrs. Portheris, and when +Dicky suggested that I might like him to hold my hand for a little while +I made no objection whatever. We decided that the immediate prospect, +though uncomfortable, was not alarming, that we had been wandering about +for possibly an hour, judging by the dwindling of Dicky's candle, and +that search must be made for us as soon as ever the others went above +ground and heard from Brother Demetrius the tale of our abandonment. I +said that if I knew anything about momma's capacity for underground +walking, the other party would have gone up long ago, and that search +for us was, therefore, in all likelihood, proceeding now, though perhaps +it would be wiser, in case we might want them, to burn only one candle +at a time. We had only to listen intently and we would hear the voices +of the searchers. We did listen, but all that we heard was a faint far +distant moan, which Dicky tried to make me believe was the wind in a +ventilating shaft. We could also hear a prolonged thumping very close to +us, but that we could each account for personally. And nothing more. + +"Dicky," said I after a time, "if it weren't for the candle I believe I +should be frightened." + +"It's about the most parsimonious style of candle I've ever seen," +replied Dicky, "but it would give a little more light if it were +trimmed." And he opened his pocket-knife. + +"Be very careful," I begged, and Dicky said "Rather!" + +"Did you ever notice," he asked, "that you can touch flame all right if +you are only quick enough? Now, see me take the top off that candle." If +Dicky had a fault it was a tendency to boastfulness. He took the lighted +wick between his thumb and his knife-blade, and skilfully scooped the +top off. It blazed for two seconds on the edge of the blade--just long +enough to show us that all the flame had come with it. Then it went out, +and in the darkness at my side I heard a scuffling among waistcoat +pockets, and a groan. + +"No matches?" I asked in despair. + +"Left 'em in my light overcoat pockets, Mamie. I'm a bigger ass +than--than Mafferton." + +"You are," I said with decision. "No Englishman goes anywhere without +his light overcoat. What have you done with yours?" + +"Left it in the carriage," replied Dick humbly. + +"That shows," said I bitterly, "how little you have learned in England. +Propriety in connection with you is evidently like water and a duck's +back. An intelligent person would have acquired the light overcoat +principle in three days, and never have gone out without it afterward." + +"Oh, go on!" replied Dick fiercely. "Go on. I don't mind. I'm not so +stuck on myself as I was. But if we've got to die together you might as +well forgive me. You'll have to do it at the last moment, you know." + +"I suppose you have begun to review your past life," I said grimly, "and +that's why you are using so much American slang." + +Then, as Dicky was again holding my hands, I maintained a dignified +silence. You cannot possibly quarrel with a person who is holding your +hand, no matter how you feel. + +"There's only one thing that consoles me in connection with those +matches," Dicky mentioned after a time. "They were French ones." + +"I don't know what that has to do with it," I said. + +"That's because you don't smoke," Dicky replied. And I had not the heart +to pursue the inquiry. Time went on, black and silent, as it had been +doing down there for sixteen centuries. We stopped arguing about why +they didn't come to look for us, each privately wondering if it was +possible that we had strayed too ingeniously ever to be found. We talked +of many things to try to keep up our spirits, the conviction of the _St. +James's Gazette_ that American young ladies live largely upon +chewing-gum, and other topics far removed from our surroundings, but the +effort was not altogether successful. Dicky had just permitted himself +to make a reference to his mother in Chicago when a sound behind us made +us both start violently, and then cheered us immensely--a snore from +Mrs. Portheris within the tomb. It was not, happily, a single accidental +snore, but the forerunner of a regular series, and we hung upon them as +they issued, comforted and supported. We were vaguely aware that we +could have no better defence against disembodied Early Christians, when, +in the course of an hour, Mrs. Portheris sat up suddenly among the bones +of the original occupant and asked what time it was. We felt a pang of +regret at losing it. + +After the first moment or two that lady realized the situation +completely. "I suppose," she said, "we have been down here about two +days. I am quite faint with hunger. I have often read that candles, +under these terrible circumstances, are sustaining. What a good thing we +have got the candles." + +Dicky squeezed my hand nervously, but our chaperone had slept off the +eucalyptus and had no longer one cannibal thought. + +"I don't think it is time for candles yet," he said reassuringly. "You +have been asleep, you know, Mrs. Portheris." + +"If you have eaten them already, I consider that you have taken an +unfair advantage, a very unfair advantage." + +"Here is mine!" exclaimed Dicky nobly. "I hope I can deny myself, Mrs. +Portheris, to that extent." + +"And mine," I echoed; "but really, Mrs. Portheris----" + +Another pressure of Dicky's hand reminded me--I am ashamed to confess +it--that if Mrs. Portheris was bent upon the unnecessary consumption of +Roman tallow there was nothing in her past treatment of either of us to +induce us to prevent her. The dictates of humanity, I know, should have +influenced us otherwise, in connection with tallow, but they seemed for +the moment to have faded as completely out of our bosoms as they did out +of the early Roman persecutors! It seemed to me that all my country's +wrongs at the hands of Mrs. Portheris rose up and clamoured to be +avenged, and Dicky told me afterward that he felt just the same way. + +"Then I have done you an injustice," she continued; "I apologize, I am +sure, and I find that I have my own candle, thank you. It is adhering to +the side of my bonnet." + +We were perfectly silent. + +"Perhaps I ought to try and wait a little longer," Mrs. Portheris +hesitated, "but I feel such a sinking, and I assure you I have fallen +away. My garments are quite loose." + +"Of course it depends," said Dicky scientifically, "upon the amount of +carbon the system has in reserve. Personally I think I can hold out a +little longer. I had an excellent breakfast this m----, the day we came +here. But if I felt a sinking----" + +"_Waugh!_" said Mrs. Portheris. + +"Have you--have you _begun_?" I exclaimed in agony, while Dicky shook in +silence. + +"I have," replied Mrs. Portheris hurriedly; "where--where is the +eucalyptus? Ah! I have it!" + +"_Ben-en-euh!_ It is nutritive, I am sure, but it requires a cordial." + +The darkness for some reason seemed a little less black and the silence +less oppressive. + +"I have only eaten about three inches," remarked Mrs. Portheris +presently. Dicky and I were incapable of conversation--"but I--but I +cannot go on at present. It is really not nice." + +"An overdone flavour, hasn't it?" asked Dicky, between gasps. + +"Very much so! Horribly! But the eucalyptus will, I hope, enable me to +extract some benefit from it. I think I'll lie down again." And we heard +the sound of a cork restored to its bottle as Mrs. Portheris returned to +the tomb. It was quite half an hour before she woke up, declaring that a +whole night had passed and that she was more famished than ever. "But," +she added, "I feel it impossible to go on with the candle. There is +something about the wick----" + +"I know," said Dicky sympathetically, "unless you are born in Greenland, +you cannot really enjoy them. There is an alternative, Mrs. Portheris, +but I didn't like to mention it----" + +"I know," she replied, "shoe leather. I have read of that, too, and I +think it would be an improvement. Have you got a pocket-knife, Mr. Dod?" + +Dicky produced it without a pang and we heard the rapid sound of an +unbuttoning shoe. "I had these made to order at two guineas, in the +Burlington Arcade," said Mrs. Portheris regretfully. + +"Then," said Dicky gravely, groping to hand her the knife, "they will be +of good kid, and probably tender." + +"I hope so, indeed," said Mrs. Portheris; "we must all have some. Will +you--will you _carve_, Mr. Dod?" + +I remembered with a pang how punctilious they were in England about +asking gentlemen to perform this duty, and I received one more +impression of the permanence of British ideas of propriety. But Dicky +declined; said he couldn't undertake it--for a party, and that Mrs. +Portheris must please help herself and never mind him, he would take +anything there was, a little later, with great hospitality. However, she +insisted, and my portion, I know, was a generous one, a slice off the +ankle. Mrs. Portheris begged us to begin; she said it was so cheerless +eating by one's self, and made her feel quite greedy. + +"Really," she said, "it is much better than candle--a little difficult +to masticate perhaps, but, if I do say it myself, quite a tolerable +flavour. If I only hadn't used that abominable French polish this +morning. What do _you_ think, Mr. Dod?" + +"I think," said Dicky, jumping suddenly to his feet, while my heart +stood still with anticipation, "that if there's enough of that shoe +left, you had better put it on again, for I hear people calling us," and +then, making a trumpet with his hands, Dicky shouted till all the +Roman skeletons sufficiently intact turned to listen. But this time the +answer came back from their descendants, running with a flash of +lanterns. + +[Illustration: Dicky shouted till the skeletons turned to listen.] + + * * * * * + +I will skip the scene of our reunion, because I am not good at matters +which are moving, and we were all excessively moved. It is necessary to +explain, however, that Brother Demetrius, when he went above ground, +felt his lumbago so acutely that he retired to bed, and was therefore +not visible when the others came up. As we had planned beforehand, the +Senator decided to go on to the Jewish Catacombs, taking it for granted +that we would follow, while Brother Eusebius, when he found Demetrius in +bed, also took it for granted that we had gone on ahead. He did not +inquire, he said, because the virtue of taciturnity being denied to them +in the exercise of their business, they always diligently cultivated it +in private. My own conviction was that they were not on speaking terms. +Our friends and relatives, after looking at the Jewish Catacombs, had +driven back to the hotel, and only began to feel anxious at tea time, as +they knew the English refreshment-rooms were closed for the season, like +everything else, and Isabel asserted with tears that if her mother was +above ground she would not miss her tea. So they all drove back to the +Catacombs, and effected our rescue after we had been immured for exactly +seven hours. I wish to add, to the credit of Mr. Richard Dod, that he +has never yet breathed a syllable to anybody about the manner in which +Mrs. Portheris sustained nature during our imprisonment, although he +must often have been strongly tempted to do so. And neither have +I--until now. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +"The thing that struck me on our drive to the hotel," remarked momma, +"was that Naples was almost entirely inhabited by the lower classes." + +"That is very noticeable indeed," concurred Mr. Mafferton, who was also +there for the first time. "The people of the place are no doubt in the +country at this time of the year, but one would naturally expect to see +more respectable persons about." + +"Now you'll excuse me, Mafferton," said the Senator, "but that's just +one of those places where I lose the trail of the English language as +used by the original inventors. Where do you draw the line of +distinction between people and persons?" + +"It's a mere Briticism, poppa," I observed. Mr. Mafferton loathed being +obliged to defend his native tongue at any point. That very morning the +_modus vivendi_ between us, that I had done so much for Dicky's sake to +establish, had been imperilled by my foolish determination to know +why all Englishmen pronounced "white" "wite." + +"I daresay," said poppa gloomily, "but I am not on to it and I don't +suppose I ever shall be. What struck me on the ride up through the city +was the perambulating bath. Going round on wheels to be hired out, just +the ordinary tin tub of commerce. The fellows were shouting +something--'Who'll buy a wash!' I suppose. But that's the disadvantage +of a foreign language; it leaves so much to the imagination." + +"The goats were nice," I said, "so promiscuous. I saw one of them +looking out of a window." + +"And the dear little horses with bells round their necks," momma added, +"and the tall yellow houses with the stucco dropping off, and especially +the fruit shops and the flower stalls that make pictures down every +narrow street. Such _masses_ of colour!" + +"We might have hit on a worse hotel," observed Mr. Mafferton. "Very +tolerable soup, to-night." + +"I can't say I noticed the soup," said the Senator. "Fact is, soup to me +is just--soup. I presume there are different kinds, but beyond knowing +most of them from gruel I don't pretend to be a connoisseur." + +"What nonsense, Alexander!" said momma sternly. + +"Some are saltier than others, Augusta, I admit. But what I was going on +to say was that for clear monotony the dinner programmes ever since +Paris have beaten the record. Bramley told me how it would be. Consommy, +he said--that's soup--consommy, the whole enduring time. Fish _frite_ or +fried, roast beef _a l'Italienne_ or mixed up with vegetables. +Beans--well, just beans, and if you don't like 'em you can leave 'em, +but that fourth course is never anything but beans. After that you get +a chicken cut up with lettuce, because if it was put on the table whole +some disappointed investigator might find out there was nothing inside +and file a complaint. Anything to support that unstuffed chicken? Nope. +Finishing up with a compote of canned fruit, mostly California pears +that want more cooking, and after that cheese, if you like cheese, and +coffee charged extra. Thanks to Bramley, I can't say I didn't know what +to expect, but that doesn't increase the variety any. Now in America--I +understand you have been to America, sir?" + +"I have travelled in the States to some extent," responded Mr. +Mafferton. + +"Seen Brooklyn Bridge and the Hudson, I presume. Had a look at Niagara +Falls and a run out to Chicago, maybe. That was before I had the +pleasure of meeting you. Get as far as the Yosemite? No? Well, you were +there long enough anyhow to realise that our hotels are run on the free +will system." + +"I remember," said Mr. Mafferton. "All the luxuries of the coming +season, printed on a card usually about a foot long. A great variety, +and very difficult to understand. When I had finished trying to +translate the morning paper, I used to attack the card. I found that it +threw quite a light upon early American civilisation from the aboriginal +side. 'Hominy,' 'Grits,' 'Buckwheats,' 'Cantelopes,' are some of the +dishes I remember. 'Succotash,' too, and 'creamed squash,' but I think +they occurred at dinner generally. I used to summon the waiter, and +when he came to take my orders I would ask him to derive those dishes. I +had great difficulty after a time in summoning a waiter. But the plan +gave me many interesting half hours. In the end I usually ordered a +chop." + +"I don't want to run down your politics," poppa said, "but that's what I +call being too conservative. Augusta, if you have had enough of the Bay +of Naples and the moon, I might remind you of the buried city of +Pompeii, which is on for to-morrow. It's a good long way out, and you'll +want all your powers of endurance. I'm going down to have a smoke, and a +look at the humorous publications of Italy. There's no sort of +sociability about these hotels, but the head _portier_ knows a little +English." + +"I suppose I had better retire," momma admitted, "though I sometimes +wish Mr. Wick wasn't so careful of my nervous system. Delicious scene, +good-night." And she too left us. + +We were sitting in a narrow balcony that seemed to jut out of a horn of +the city's lovely crescent. Dicky and Isabel occupied chairs at a +distance nicely calculated to necessitate a troublesome raising of the +voice to communicate with them. Mrs. Portheris was still confined to her +room with what was understood to be the constitutional shock of her +experiences in the Catacombs. Dicky, in joyful privacy, assured me that +nobody could recover from a combination of Roman tallow and French kid +in less than a week, but I told him he did not know the British +constitution. + +[Illustration: We were sitting in a narrow balcony.] + +The moon sailed high over Naples, and lighted the lapping curve of her +perfect bay in the deepest, softest blue, and showed us some of the +nearer houses of the city, sloping and shouldering and creeping down, +that they were pink and yellow and parti-coloured, while the rest curved +and glimmered round the water in all tender tones of white holding up a +thousand lamps. And behind, curving too, the hills stood clear, with the +grey phantom of Vesuvius in sharp familiar lines, sending up its stream +of steady red, and now and then a leaping flame. It was a scene to wake +the latent sentiment of even a British bosom. I thought I would stay a +little longer. + +"So you usually ordered a chop?" I said by way of resuming the +conversation. "I hope the chops were tender." + +(I have a vague recollection that my intonation was.) + +"There are worse things in the States than the mutton," replied Mr. +Mafferton, moving his chair to enable him, by twisting his neck not too +ostentatiously, to glance occasionally at Dicky and Isabel, "but the +steaks were distinctly better than the chops--distinctly." + +"So all connoisseurs say," I replied respectfully. "Would you like to +change seats with me? I don't mind sitting with my back to--Vesuvius." + +Mr. Mafferton blushed--unless it was the glow from the volcano. + +"Not on my account," he said. "By any means." + +"You do not fear a demonstration," I suggested. "And yet the forces of +nature are very uncertain. That is your English nerve. It deserves all +that is said of it." + +Mr. Mafferton looked at me suspiciously. + +"I fancy you must be joking," he said. + +He sometimes complained that the great bar to his observation of the +American character was the American sense of humour. It was one of the +things he had made a note of, as interfering with the intelligent +stranger's enjoyment of the country. + +"I suppose," I replied reproachfully, "you never pause to think how +unkind a suspicion like that is? When one _wishes_ to be taken +seriously." + +"I fear I do not," Mr. Mafferton confessed. "Perhaps I jump rather +hastily to conclusions sometimes. It's a family trait. We get it through +the Warwick-Howards on my mother's side." + +"Then, of course, there can't be any objection to it. But when one knows +a person's opinion of frivolity, always to be thought frivolous by the +person is hard to bear. Awfully." + +And if my expression, as I gazed past this Englishman at Vesuvius, was +one of sad resignation, there was nothing in the situation to exhilarate +anybody. + +The impassive countenance of Mr. Mafferton was disturbed by a ray of +concern. The moonlight enabled me to see it quite clearly. "Pray, Miss +Wick," he said, "do not think that. Who was it that wrote----" + + "A little humour now and then + Is relished by the wisest men." + +"I don't know," I said, "but there's something about it that makes me +think it is English in its origin. Do you _really_ endorse it?" + +"Certainly I do. And your liveliness, Miss Wick, if I may say so, is +certainly one of your accomplishments. It is to some extent a racial +characteristic. You share it with Mr. Dod." + +I glanced in the direction of the other two. "They seem desperately +bored with each other," I said. "They are not saying anything. Shall we +join them?" + +"Dod is probably sulking because I am monopolising you. Mrs. Portheris, +you see, has let me into the secret"--Mr. Mafferton looked _very_ +arch--"By all means, if you think he ought to be humoured." + +"No," I said firmly, "humouring is very bad for Dicky. But I don't think +he should be allowed to wreak his ill-temper on Isabel." + +"I have noticed a certain lack of power to take the initiative about +Miss Portheris," said Mr. Mafferton coldly, "especially when her mother +is not with her. She seems quite unable to extricate herself from +situations like the present." + +"She is so young," I said apologetically, "and besides, I don't think +you could expect her to go quite away and leave us here together, you +know. She would naturally have foolish ideas. She doesn't know anything +about our irrevocable Past." + +"Why should she care?" asked Mr. Mafferton hypocritically. + +"Oh," I said. "I don't know, I'm sure. Only Mrs. Portheris----" + +"She is certainly a charming girl," said Mr. Mafferton. + +"And _so_ well brought up," said I. + +"Ye-es. Perhaps a little self-contained." + +"She has no need to rely upon her conversation." I observed. + +"I don't know. The fact is----" + +"What is the fact?" I asked softly. "After all that has passed I think I +may claim your confidence, Mr. Mafferton." I had some difficulty +afterwards in justifying this, but it seemed entirely appropriate at the +time. + +"The fact is, that up to three weeks ago I believed Miss Portheris to be +the incarnation of so many unassuming virtues and personal charms that I +was almost ready to make a fresh bid for domestic happiness in her +society. I have for some time wished to marry----" + +"I know," I said sympathetically. + +"But during the last three weeks I have become a little uncertain." + +"There shouldn't be the _slightest_ uncertainty," I observed. + +"Marriage in England is such a permanent institution." + +"I have known it to last for years even in the United States," I +sighed. + +"And it is a serious responsibility to undertake to reciprocate in full +the devotion of an attached wife." + +"I fancy Isabel is a person of strong affections," I said; "one notices +it with her mother. And any one who could dote on Mrs. Portheris would +certainly----" + +"I fear so," said Mr. Mafferton. + +"I understand," I continued, "why you hesitate. And really, feeling as +you do, I wouldn't be precipitate." + +"I won't," he said. + +"Watch the state of your own heart," I counselled, "for some little +time. You may be sure that hers will not alter;" and, as we said +good-night, I further suggested that it would be a kindness if Mr. +Mafferton would join my lonely parent in the smoking-room. + +I don't know what happened on the balcony after that. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +"Mamma," said Isabel, as we gathered in the hotel vestibule for the +start to Pompeii, "is really not fit to undertake it." + +"You'll excuse me, Aunt Caroline," remarked the Senator, "but your +complexion isn't by any means right yet. It's a warm day and a long +drive. Just as likely as not you'll be down sick after it." + +"Stuff!" said Mrs. Portheris. "I thank my stars _I_ have got no +enfeebled American constitution. I am perfectly equal to it, thank you." + +"It's most unwise," observed Mr. Mafferton. + +"Darned--I mean extremely risky," sighed Dicky. + +Mrs. Portheris faced upon them. "And pray what do _you_ know about it?" +she demanded. + +Then momma put in her oar, taking most unguardedly a privilege of +relationship. "Of course, you are the best judge of how you feel +yourself, Aunt Caroline, but we are told there are some steps to ascend +when we get there--and you know how fleshy you are." + +In the instant of ominous silence which occurred while Mrs. Portheris +was getting her chin into the angle of its greatest majesty, Mr. +Mafferton considerately walked to the door. When it was accomplished +she looked at momma sideways and down her nose, precisely in the manner +of the late Mr. Du Maurier's ladies in _Punch_, in the same state of +mind. She might have sat or stood to him. It was another ideal realised. + +"That is the latest, the very latest Americanism which I have observed +in your conversation, Augusta. In your native land it may be admissible, +but please understand that I cannot permit it to be applied to me +personally. To English ears it is offensive, very offensive. It is also +quite improper for you to assume any familiarity with my figure. As you +say, _I_ may be aware of its corpulence, but nobody else--er--can +possibly know anything about it." + +Momma was speechless, and, as usual, the Senator came to the rescue. He +never will allow momma to be trampled on, and there was distinct +retaliation in his manner. "Look here, aunt," he said, "there's nothing +profane in saying you're fleshy when you _are_, you know, and you don't +need to remove so much as your bonnet strings for the general public to +be aware of it. And when you come to America don't you ever insult +anybody by calling her corpulent, which is a perfectly indecent +expression. Now if you won't go back to bed and tranquillise your +mind--on a plain soda----" + +"I won't," said Mrs. Portheris. + +"De carriages is already," said the head porter, glistening with an +amiability of which we all appreciated the balm. And we entered the +carriages--Mrs. Portheris and the downcast Isabel and Mr. Mafferton in +one, and momma, poppa, Dicky, and I in the other. For no American would +have been safe in Mrs. Portheris's carriage for at least two hours, and +this came home even to Mr. Dod. + +"Never again!" exclaimed momma as we rattled down among the narrow +streets that crowd under the Funicular railway. "Never again will I call +that woman Aunt Caroline." + +"Don't call her fleshy, my dear, that's what really irritated her," +remarked the Senator. The Senator's discrimination, I have often +noticed, is not the nicest thing about him. + +Hours and hours it seemed to take, that drive to Pompeii. Past the +ambitious confectioner with his window full of cherry pies, each cherry +round and red and shining like a marble, and the plate glass dry-goods +store where ready-made costumes were displayed that looked as if they +might fit just as badly as those of Westbourne Grove, and so by degrees +and always down hill through narrower and shabbier streets where all the +women walked bareheaded and the shops were mostly turned out on the +pavement for the convenience of customers, and a good many of them went +up and down in wheelbarrows. And often through narrow ways so +high-walled and many-windowed that it was quite cool and dusky down +below, and only a strip of sun showed far up along the roofs of one +side. Here and there a wheelbarrow went strolling through these streets +too, and we saw at least one family marketing. From a little square +window a prodigious way up came, as we passed, a cry with custom in it, +and a wheelbarrow paused beneath. Then down from the window by a long, +long rope slid a basket from the hands of a young woman leaning out in +red, and the vendor took the opportunity of sitting down on his barrow +handle till it arrived. Soldi and a piece of paper he took out of the +basket and a cabbage and onions he put in, and then it went swinging +upwards and he picked up his barrow again, and we rattled on and left +him shouting and pushing his hat back--it was not a soft felt but a +bowler--to look up at the other windows. In spite of the bowler it was a +picturesque and Neapolitan incident, and it left us much divided as to +the contents of the piece of paper. + +"My idea is," said the Senator, "that the young woman in the red jersey +was the hired girl and that note was what you might call a clandestine +communication." + +"Since we are in Naples," remarked Mr. Dod, "I think, Senator, your +deduction is correct. Where we come from a slavey with any self-respect +would put her sentiments on a gilt-edged correspondence card in a +scented envelope with a stamp on the outside and ask you to kindly drop +it into the pillar box on your way to business; but this chimes in with +all you read about Naples." + +"Perfectly ridiculous!" said momma. "Mark my words, that note was either +a list of vegetables wanted, or an intimation that if they weren't going +to be fresher than the last, that man needn't stop for orders in +future. And in a country as destitute of elevators as this one is I +suppose you couldn't keep a servant a week if you didn't let her save +the stairs somehow. But I must say if I were going to have cabbage and +onions the same day I wouldn't like the neighbours to know it." + +I entirely agreed with momma, and was reflecting, while they talked of +something else, on the injustice of considering ours the sentimental +sex, when the Senator leaned forward and advised me in an undertone to +make a note of the market basket. + +"And take my theory to account for the piece of paper," said he; "your +mother's may be the most likely, but mine is _what the public will +expect_." + +And always the shadows of the narrow streets crooked in the end into a +little plaza full of sun and beggars, and lemonade stands, and hawkers +of wild strawberries, and when the great bank of a flower-stall stood +just where the shadow ended sharply and the sun began, it made something +to remember. After that our way lay through a suburban parish _fete_, +and we pursued it under strings and strings of little glass lanterns, +red, and green, and blue, that swung across the streets; and there were +goats and more children, and momma vainly endeavoured to keep off the +smells with her parasol. Then a region of docks and masts rising +unexpectedly, and many little fish shops, and a glitter of scales on the +pavement, and disconnected coils of rope, and lounging men with +earrings, and unkempt women with babies, and above and over all the +warm scent, standing still in the sun, of hemp, and tar, and the sea. + +"The city," said the Senator, casting his practised eye on a piece of +dead wall that ran along the pavement, "is evidently in the turmoil of a +general election, though you mightn't notice it. It's the third time +I've seen those posters '_Viva il Prefetto!_' and '_Viva L'opposizione!_ +That seems to be about all they can do, just as if we contented ourselves +with yelling ''Rah for Bryan!' 'One more for McKinley!' I must say if they +haven't any more notion of business than that they don't either of 'em +deserve to get there." + +"In France," observed Mr. Dod, "they stick up little handbills addressed +to their '_chers concitoyens_' as if voters were a lot of baa-lambs and +willie-boys. It makes enervating reading." + +"Young man," said poppa in a burst of feeling, "they say the American +eagle might keep her beak shut with advantage, more than she does; but I +tell you," and the Senator's hand came down hard on Dicky's knee, "a +trip around Europe is enough to turn her into a singing bird, sir, a +singing bird." + +I don't get my imagination entirely from momma. + +"_Viva il Prefetto! Viva L'opposizione!_" poppa repeated pityingly, as +another pair of posters came in sight. "Well, it won't ever do the +Government of Italy any good, but I guess I'm with the _Opposizione_." + +The road grew emptier and sandy white, and commerce forsook it but for +here and there a little shop with fat yellow bags, which were the +people's cheeses, hanging in bladders at the door. Crumbled gateways +began to appear, and we saw through them that the villa gardens inside +ran down and dropped their rose leaves into the blue of the +Mediterranean. We met the country people going their ways to town; they +looked at us with friendly patronage, knowing all about us, what we had +come to see, and the foolishness of it, and especially the ridiculous +cost of _carozza_ that take people to Pompeii. And at last, just as the +sun and the jolting and the powdery white dust combined had instigated +us all to suggest to the Senator how much better it would have been to +come by rail, the ponies made a glad and jingling sweep under the +acacias of the Hotel Diomede, which is at the portals of Pompeii. + +It seemed a casual and a cheerful place, full of open doors and +proprietary Neapolitans who might have been brothers and sisters-in-law, +whose conversation we interrupted coming in. There had been domestic +potations; a very fat lady, with a horn comb in her hair, wiped liquid +rings off the table with her apron, removing the glasses, while a +collarless male person with an agreeable smile and a soft felt hat +placed wooden chairs for us in a row. Poppa knows no Italian, but they +seemed to understand from what he said that we wanted things to drink, +and brought us with surprising accuracy precisely what each of us +preferred, lemonade for momma and me, and beverages consisting largely, +though not entirely, of soda water for the Senator and Mr. Dod. While +we refreshed ourselves, another, elderly, grizzled, and one-eyed, came +and took up a position just outside the door opposite and sang a song of +adventurous love, boxing his own ears in the chorus with the liveliest +effect. A further agreeable person waited upon us and informed us that +he was the interpreter, he would everything explain to us, that this was +a beggar man who wanted us to give him some small money, but there was +no compulsion if we did not wish to do so. I think he gave us that +interpretation for nothing. The fat lady then produced a large fan which +she waved over us assiduously, and the collarless man in the soft hat +stood by to render aid in any further emergency, smiling upon us as if +we were delicacies out of season. Poppa bore it as long as he could, and +we all made an unsuccessful effort to appear as if we were quite +accustomed to as much attention and more in the hotels of America; but +in a very few minutes we knew all the disadvantages of being of too much +importance. Presently the one-eyed man gave way to a pair of players on +the flute and mandolin. + +"Look here," said poppa at this, to the interpreter, "you folks are +putting yourselves out on our account a great deal more than is +necessary. We are just ordinary travelling public, and you don't need to +entertain us with side shows that we haven't ordered any more than if we +belonged to your own town. See?" But the interpreter did not see. He +beckoned instead to an engaging daughter of the fat lady, who approached +modestly with a large book of photographs, which she opened before the +Senator, kneeling beside his chair. + +"Great Scott!" exclaimed poppa, "I'm not a crowned head. Rise, Miss +Diomede." + +Removing his cigar, he assisted the young lady to her feet and led her +to a sofa at the other end of the room, where, as they turned over the +photographs together, I heard him ask her if she objected to tobacco. + +"You may go," said momma to the interpreter, "and explain the scenes. +Mr. Wick will enjoy them much more if he understands them." The freedom +from conventional restraint which characterises American society very +seldom extends to married gentlemen. + +We had to wait twenty minutes for the other party, on account of their +British objection to anybody's dust. Even Mr. Mafferton looked quelled +when they arrived, and Isabel quite abject, while Mrs. Portheris wore +that air of justification which no circumstance could impair, which was +particularly her own. She would not sit down. "It gives these people a +claim on you," she said. "I did not come here to run up an hotel bill, +but to see Pompeii. Pompeii I demand to see." The players on the flute +and mandolin looked at Mrs. Portheris consideringly and then strolled +away, and the guide, with a sorrowful glance at the landlady, put on his +hat. "I can explain you everything," he said with an inflection that +placed the responsibility for remaining in ignorance upon our own heads, +but Mrs. Portheris waved him away with her fan. "No," she said. "I beg +that this man shall not be allowed to inflict himself upon our party. +I particularly desire to form my own impression of the historic city, +that city that did so much for the reputation of Sir Henry Bulwer +Lytton. Besides, these people mount up ridiculously, and with servants +at home on half wages, and Consols in the state they are, one is really +compelled to economise." + +[Illustration: "I'm not a crowned head!"] + +It was difficult to protest against Mrs. Portheris's regulations, and +impossible to contravene them, so I have nothing to report of that guide +but his card, which bore the name "Antonio Plicco," and his memory, +which is a blank. + +There was an ascent, and Mrs. Portheris mounted it proudly. I pointed +out to poppa half-way up that his esteemed relative hadn't turned a +hair, but he was inclined to be incredulous; said you couldn't tell what +was going on in the Department of the Interior. The Senator often uses a +political reference to carry him over a delicate allusion. Flowering +shrubs and bushes lined the path we climbed, silent in the sunshine, +dustily decorative, and at the top the turning of a key let us into a +strange place. Always a strange place, however often the guide-books +beat their iterations upon it, a place that leaps at imagination, +peering into other days through the mists that lie between, and blinds +it with a rush of light--the place where they have gathered together +what was left of the dead Pompeiians and their world. There they lay +before us for our wonderment as they ran, and tripped, and struggled, +and fell in the night of that day when they and the gods together were +overwhelmed, and they died as they thought in the end of time. And +through an open door Vesuvius sent up its eternal gentle woolly curl +again the daylight sky, and vineyards throve, and birds sang, and we, +who had survived the gods, came curious to look. The figures lay in +glass cases, and Dicky remarked, with unusual seriousness, that it was +like a dead-house. + +"Except," said poppa, "that in this mortuary there isn't ever going to +be anybody who can identify the remains. When you come to think of +it--that's kind of hard." + +"No chance of Christian burial once you get into a museum," said Dick +with solicitude. + +"I should like," remarked Mrs. Portheris, polishing her _pince nez_ to +get a better view of a mother and daughter lying on their faces. "I +should like to see the clergyman who would attempt it. These people were +heathen, and richly deserved their fate. Richly!" + +Momma looked at her husband's Aunt Caroline with indignant scorn. "Do +you really think so?" she asked, but we could all see that her words +were a very inadequate expression for her emotions. Mrs. Portheris drew +all the guns of her orthodoxy into line for battle. "I am surprised----" +she began, and then the Senator politely but firmly interfered. + +"Ladies," he said, "'_De mortuis nisi bonum_,' which is to say it isn't +customary to slang corpses, especially, as you may say, in their +presence. I guess we can all be thankful, anyhow, that heathen nowadays +have got a cooler earth to live on," and that for the moment was the end +of it, but momma still gazed commiseratingly at the figures, with a +suspicious tendency to look for her handkerchief. + +"It's too terrible," she said. "We can actually see their _features_." + +"Don't let them get on your nerves, Augusta," suggested poppa. + +"I won't if I can help it. But when you see their clothes and their hair +and realise----" + +"It happened over eighteen hundred years ago, my dear, and most of them +got away." + +"That didn't make it any better for those who are now before us," and +momma used her handkerchief threateningly, though it was only in +connection with her nose. + +"Well now, Augusta, I hate to destroy an illusion like that, because +they're not to be bought with money, but since you're determined to work +yourself up over these unfortunates, I've got to expose them to you. +They're not the genuine remains you take them for. They're mere +worthless imitations." + +"Alexander," said momma suspiciously, "you never hesitate to tamper with +the truth if you think it will make me any more comfortable. I don't +believe you." + +"All right," returned the Senator; "when we get home you ask Bramley. It +was Bramley that put me on to it. Whenever one of those Pompeii fellows +dropped, the ashes kind of caked over him, and in the course of time +there was a hole where he had been. See? And what you're looking at is +just a collection of those holes filled up with composition and then dug +out. Mere holes!" + +"The illusion is dreadfully perfect," sighed momma. "Fancy dying like a +baked potato in hot ashes! Somehow, Alexander, I don't seem able to get +over it," and momma gazed with distressed fascination at the grim form +of the negro porter. + +"We've got no proper grounds for coming to that conclusion either," +replied poppa firmly. "Just as likely they were suffocated by the gas +that came up out of the ground." + +"Oh, if I could think that!" momma exclaimed with relief. "But if I find +you've been deceiving me, Alexander, I'll never forgive you. It's _too_ +solemn!" + +"You ask Bramley," I heard the Senator reply. "And now come and tell me +if this loaf of bread somebody baked eighteen hundred and twenty +something years ago isn't exactly the same shape as the Naples bakers +are selling right now." + +"Daughter," said momma as she went, "I hope you are taking copious +notes. This is the wonder of wonders that we behold to-day." I said I +was, and I wandered over to where Mrs. Portheris examined with Mr. +Mafferton an egg that was laid on the last day of Pompeii. Mrs. +Portheris was asking Mr. Mafferton, in her most impressive manner, if it +was not too wonderful to have positive proof that fowls laid eggs then +just as they do now; and I made a note of that too. Dicky and Isabel +bemoaned the fate of the immortal dog who still bites his flank in the +pain extinguished so long ago. I hardly liked to disturb them, but I +heard Dicky say as I passed that he didn't mind much about the humans, +they had their chance, but this poor little old tyke was tied up, and +that on the part of Providence was playing it low down. + +Then we all stepped out into the empty streets of Pompeii and Mr. +Mafferton read to us impressively, from Murray, the younger Pliny's +letter to Tacitus describing its great disaster. The Senator listened +thoughtfully, for Pliny goes into all kinds of interesting details. "I +haven't much acquaintance with the classics," said he, as Mr. Mafferton +finished, "but it strikes me that the modern New York newspaper was the +medium to do that man justice. It's the most remarkable case I've +noticed of a good reporter _born before his time_." + +"A terrible retribution," said Mrs. Portheris, looking severely at the +Tavern of Phoebus, forever empty of wine-bibbers. "They worshipped +Jupiter, I understand, and other deities even less respectable. Can we +wonder that a volcano was sent to destroy them! One thing we may be +quite sure of--if the city had only turned from its wickedness and +embraced Christianity, this never would have happened." + +Momma compressed her lips and then relaxed them again to say, "I think +that idea perfectly ridiculous." I scented battle and hung upon the +issue, but the Senator for the third time interposed. + +"Why no, Augusta," he said, "I guess that's a working hypothesis of Aunt +Caroline's. Here's Vesuvius smokin' away ever since just the same, and +there's Naples with a bishop and the relics of Saint Januarius. You can +read in your guide-book that whenever Vesuvius has looked as if he meant +business for the past few hundred years, the people of Naples have +simply called on the bishop to take out the relics of Saint Januarius +and walk 'em round the town; and that's always been enough for Vesuvius. +Now the Pompeii folks didn't know a saint or a bishop by sight, and +Jupiter, as Aunt Caroline says, was never properly qualified to +interfere. That's how it was, I _presume_. I don't suppose the people of +Naples take much stock in the laws of nature; they don't have to, with +Januarius in a drawer. And real estate keeps booming right along." + +"You have an extraordinary way of putting things," remarked Mrs. +Portheris to her nephew. "Very extraordinary. But I am glad to hear that +you agree with me," and she looked as if she did not understand momma's +acquiescent smile. + +We went our several ways to see the baths, and the Comic Theatre, the +bakehouse and the gymnasium; and I had a little walk by myself in the +Street of Abundance, where the little empty houses waited patiently on +either side for those to return who had gone out, and the sun lay full +on their floors of dusty mosaic, and their gardens where nothing grew. +It seemed to me, as it seems to everybody, that Pompeii was not dead, +but asleep, and her tints were so clear and gay that her dreams might be +those of a ballet-girl. A solitary yellow dog chased a lizard in the +sun, and the pebbles he knocked about made an absurdly disturbing noise. +Beyond the vague tinted roofless walls that stretched over the pleasant +little peninsula, the blue sea rippled tenderly, remembering much +delight, and the place seemed to smile in its sleep. It was easy to +understand why Cicero chose to have his villa in the midst of such +light-heartedness, and why the gods, perhaps, decided that they had lent +too much laughter to Pompeii. I made free of the hospitality of +Cornelius Rufus and sat for a while in his _exedra_, where he himself, +in marble on a little pillar in the middle of the room, made me as +welcome as if I had been a client or a neighbour. We considered each +other across the centuries, making mutual allowances, and spent the most +sociable half-hour. I take a personal interest in the city's disaster +now--it overwhelmed one of my friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +On the Lungarno in Florence, in the cool of the evening, we walked +together, the Senator, momma, Dicky, and I. Dicky radiated depression, +if such a thing is atmospherically possible; we all moved in it. Mr. Dod +had been banished from the Portheris party, and he groaned over the +reflection that it was his own fault. At Pompeii I had exerted myself in +his interest to such an extent that Mr. Mafferton detached himself from +Mrs. Portheris and attached himself to momma for the drive home. Little +did I realise that one could be too agreeable in a good cause. Dicky +insinuated himself with difficulty into Mr. Mafferton's vacant place +opposite Mrs. Portheris, and even before the carriages started I saw +that he was going to have a bad time. His own version of the experience +was painful in the extreme, and he represented the climax as having +occurred just as they arrived at the hotel. The unfortunate youth must +have been goaded to his fate, for his general attitude toward matters of +orthodoxy was most discreet. + +"There is something _Biblical_," said Mrs. Portheris (so Dicky related), +"that those Pompeiian remains remind me of, and I cannot think what it +is." + +"Lot's wife, mamma?" said Isabel. + +"_Quite_ right, my child--what a memory you have! That wretched woman +who stopped to look back at the city where careless friends and +relatives were enjoying themselves, indifferent to their coming fate, in +direct disobedience to the command. Of course, she turned to salt, and +these people to ashes, but she must have looked very much like them when +the process was completed." + +That was Dicky's opportunity for restraint and submission, but he seemed +to have been physically unable to take it. He rushed, instead, blindly +to perdition. "I don't believe that yarn," he said. + +There was a moment's awful silence, during which Dicky said he counted +his heart-beats and felt as if he had announced himself an atheist or a +Jew, and then his sentence fell. + +"In that case, Mr. Dod, I must infer that you are opposed to the +doctrine of the complete inspiration of Holy Writ. If you do not believe +in that, I shudder to think of what you may not believe in. I will say +no more now, but after dinner I will be obliged to speak to you for a +few minutes, privately. Thank you, I can get out without assistance." + +And after dinner, privately, Dicky learned that Mrs. Portheris had for +some time been seriously considering the effect of his, to her, +painfully flippant views, upon the opening mind of her daughter--the +child had only been out six months--and that his distressing +announcement of this morning left her in no further doubt as to her +path of duty. She would always endeavour to have as kindly a +recollection of him as possible, he had really been very obliging, but +for the present she must ask him to make some other travelling +arrangements. Cook, she believed, would always change one's tickets less +ten per cent., but she would leave that to Dicky. And she hoped, she +_sincerely_ hoped, that time would improve his views. When that was +accomplished she trusted he would write and tell her, but not before. + +"And while I'm getting good and ready to pass an examination in Noah, +Jonah, and Methuselah," remarked Dicky bitterly, as we discussed the +situation on the Lungarno for the seventh time that day, "Mafferton +sails in." + +"Why didn't you tell her plainly that you wanted to marry Isabel, and +would brook no opposition?" I demanded, for my stock of sympathy was +getting low. + +"Now that's a valuable suggestion, isn't it?" returned Mr. Dod with +sarcasm. "Good old psychological moment that was, wasn't it? Talk about +girls having tact! Besides, I've never told Isabel herself yet, and I'm +not the American to give in to the effete and decaying custom of asking +a girl's poppa, or momma if it's a case of widow, first. Not Richard +Dod." + +"What on earth," I exclaimed, "have you been doing all this time?" + +"Now go slow, Mamie, and don't look at me like that. I've been trying to +make her acquainted with me--explaining the kind of fellow I +am--getting solid with her. See?" + +"Showing her the beauties of your character!" I exclaimed derisively. + +"I said something about the defects, too," said Dicky modestly, "though +not so much. And I was getting on beautifully, though it isn't so easy +with an English girl. They don't seem to think it's proper to analyse +your character. They're so maidenly." + +"And so unenterprising," I said, but I said it to myself. + +"Isabel was actually beginning to _lead up to the subject_," Dicky went +on. "She asked me the other day if it was true that all American men +were flirts. In another week I should have felt that she would know what +was proposing to her." + +"And you were going to wait another week?" + +"Well, a man wants every advantage," said Dicky blandly. + +"Did you explain to Isabel that you were only joining our party in the +hope of meeting her accidentally soon again?" + +"What else," asked he in pained surprise, "should I have joined it for? +No, I didn't; I hadn't the chance, for one thing. You took the first +train back to Rome next morning, you know. She wasn't up." + +"True," I responded. "Momma said not another hour of her husband's Aunt +Caroline would she ever willingly endure. She said she would spend her +entire life, if necessary, in avoiding the woman." But Dicky had not +followed the drift of my thought. + +I added vaguely, "I hope she will understand it"--I really couldn't be +more definite--and bade Mr. Dod good-night. He held my hand +absent-mindedly for a moment, and mentioned the effectiveness of the +Ponte Vecchio from that point of view. + +"I didn't feel bound to change my tickets less ten per cent.," he said +hopefully, "and we're sure to come across them early and often. In the +meantime you might try and soften me a little--about Lot's wife." + +Next day, in the Ufizzi, it was no surprise to meet the Miss Binghams. +We had a guilty consciousness of fellow-citizenship as we recognised +them, and did our best to look as if two weeks were quite long enough to +be forgotten in, but they seemed charitable and forgiving on this +account, said they had looked out for us everywhere, and _had_ we seen +the cuttings in the Vatican? + +"The statues, you know," explained Miss Cora kindly, seeing that we did +not comprehend. "Marvellous--simply marvellous! We enjoyed nothing so +much as the marble department. It takes it out of you though--we were +awfully done afterwards." + +I wondered what Phidias would have said to the "cuttings," and whether +the Miss Binghams imagined it a Briticism. It also occurred to me that +one should never mix one's colloquialisms; but that, of course, did not +prevent their coming round with us. I believe they did it partly to +diffuse their guide among a larger party. He was hanging, as they came +up, upon Miss Cora's reluctant earring, so to speak, and she was +mechanically saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" to his representations. "I +suppose," said she inadvertently, "there is no way of preventing their +giving one information," and after that when she hospitably pressed the +guide upon us we felt at liberty to be unappreciative. + +I regret to write it of two maiden ladies of good New York family, and a +knowledge of the world; but the Miss Binghams capitulated to Dicky Dod +with a promptness and unanimity which would have been very bad for him +if nobody had been there to counteract its effects. He walked between +them through the vestibules, absorbing a flow of tribute from each side +with a complacency which his recent trying experiences made all the more +profound. There was always a something, Miss Nancy declared, about an +American who had made his home in England--you could always tell. "In +your case, Mr. Dod, there is an association of Bond Street. I can't +describe it, but it is there. I hope you don't mind my saying so." + +"Oh, no," said Dicky, "I guess it's my tailor. He lives in Bond Street;" +but this was artless and not ironical. Miss Cora went further. "I should +have taken Mr. Dod for an Englishman," she said, at which the +miscalculated Mr. Dod looked alarmed. + +"Is that so?" he responded. "Then I'll book my passage back at once. +I've been over there too long. You see I've been kind of obliged to +stay for reasons connected with the firm, but you ladies can take my +word for it that when you get through this sort of ridiculous veneer +I've picked up you'll find a regular all-wool-and-a-yard-wide +city-of-Chicago American, and I'm bound to ask you not to forget it. +This English way of talking is a thing that grows on a fellow +unconsciously, don't you know. It wears off when you get home." + +At which Miss Cora and Miss Nancy looked at each other smilingly and +repeated "Don't you know" in derisive echo, and we all felt that our +young friend had been too modest about his acquirements. + +"But we mustn't neglect our old masters," cried Miss Nancy as those of +the first corridor began to slip past us on the walls, with no desire to +interrupt. "What do you think of this Greek Byzantine style, Mr. Wick? +Somehow it doesn't seem to appeal to me, though whether it's the +flatness--or what----" + +"It _is_ flat, certainly," agreed the Senator, "but that's a very +popular style of angel for Christmas cards--the more expensive kinds. +Here, I suppose, we get the original." + +"That is Tuscan school, sir--madam," put in the guide, "and not +angel--Saint Cecilia. Fourteen century, but we do not know that artiss +his name. In the book you will see Cimabue, but it is not +Cimabue--unknown artiss." + +"Dear me!" cried momma. "St. Cecilia, of course. Don't you remember her +expression--in the Catacombs?" + +"She's sweet, always and everywhere," said Miss Cora, as we moved on, +leaving the guide explaining St. Cecilia with his hands behind his back. +"And you did go to Capri after all? Now I wonder, Nancy, if they had our +experience about the oysters?" + +"A horrid little man!" cried momma. + +"Who showed you the way to the steamer----" + +"And hung around doing things the whole enduring time," continued my +parent, as Mark Antony's daughter turned her head aside, and Drusus, the +brother of Tiberius, frowned upon our passing. + +"He must have been our man!" cried both the Misses Bingham, with +excitement. + +"In the manner of Taddeo Gaddi," interrupted the guide, surprising us on +the flank with a Holy Family. + +"All right," said the Senator. "Well, this fellow proposed to bring our +party oysters on the steamer, and we took him, of course, for the +steward's tout----" + +"Exactly what we thought." + +"Since _you_ are going to tell the story, Alexander, I may remind you +that he said they were the best in the world," remarked momma, with +several degrees of frost. + +"My dear, the anecdote is yours. But you remember I told him they +wouldn't be in it with Blue Points." + +"Now _what_," exclaimed Miss Nancy, with excitement, "did he ask you for +them?" + +"Three francs a head, Nancy, wasn't it, Mrs. Wick? And you gave the +order, and the man disappeared. And you thought he'd gone to get them; +at least, we did. Nancy here had perfect confidence in him. She said he +had such dog-like eyes, and we were both perfectly certain they would be +served when the steamer stopped at the Blue Grotto----" Miss Cora paused +to smile. + +"But they weren't," suggested momma feebly. + +"No, indeed, and hadn't the slightest intention of being." Miss Nancy +took up the tale. "Not until we were taking off our gloves in the hotel +verandah, and making up our minds to a good hot lunch, did those oysters +appear--exactly half a dozen, and bread and butter extra! And we +couldn't say we hadn't ordered them. And the lunch was only two francs +fifty, _complet_. But we felt we ought to content ourselves with the +oysters, though, of course, you wouldn't with gentlemen in your party. +Now, what course _did_ you pursue, Mrs. Wick?" + +"Really," said momma distantly, "I don't remember. I believe we had +enough to eat. Surely that is little Moses being taken from the +bulrushes! How it adds to one's interest to recognise the subject." + +"By B. Luti," responded Miss Nancy. "I _hope_ he isn't very well known, +for I never heard of him before. Now, there's a Domenichino; I can tell +it from here. I do love Domenichino, don't you?" + +I suppose the Senator knew that momma didn't love Domenichino, and would +possibly be at a loss to say why; at all events, he remarked that, +talking of Capri, he hoped the Miss Binghams had not felt as badly about +inconveniencing the donkeys that took them to the top of the cliff as +momma had. "Mrs. Wick," he informed them, "rode an ass by the name of +Michael Angelo, perfectly accustomed to the climate, and, do you believe +it, she held her parasol over that animal's head the whole way." At +which everybody laughed, and momma, invested with an original and +amiable weakness, was appeased. + +"Of Michelangelo we have not here much," said the guide patiently. +"Drawings yes, and one holy Family--magnificent! But all in another room +w'ich----" + +"Now what Bramley said about the Ufizzi was this," continued the +Senator. "'You'll see on those walls,' he said, 'the best picture show +in the world, both for pedigree and quality of goods displayed. I'd go +as far as to say they're all worth looking at, even those that have been +presented to the institution. But don't you look at them,' Bramley said, +'as a whole. You keep all your absorbing-power for one apartment,' he +said--'the Tribune. You'll want it.' Bramley gave me to understand that +it wasn't any use he didn't profess to be able to describe his sublimer +emotions, but when he sat down in the Tribune he had a sort of +instinctive idea that he'd got the cream of it--he didn't want to go any +further." + +We decided, therefore, in spite of such minor attractions as those of +Niobe and her daughters, at once to achieve the Tribune, feeling, as +poppa said, that it would be most unfortunate to have our admiration all +used up before we reached it. The guide led the way, and it was beguiled +with the fascinating experience of the Miss Binghams, who had met Queen +Marguerite driving in the Villa Borghese at Rome and had received a bow +from her Majesty of which nothing would ever be able to deprive them. +"Of course we drew up to let her pass," said Miss Nancy, "and were +careful not to make ourselves in any way conspicuous, merely standing up +in the carriage as an ordinary mark of respect. And she looked charming, +all in pink and white, with a faded old maid of honour that set her off +beautifully, didn't she, Cora? And such a pretty smile she gave us--they +say she likes the better class of Americans." + +"Oh, we've nothing to regret about Rome," rejoined Cora. "Even Peter's +toe. I wouldn't have kissed it at the time if the guide hadn't said it +was really Jupiter's. I was sure our dear vicar wouldn't mind my kissing +Jupiter's toe. But now I'm glad I did it in any case. People always ask +you that." + +When we arrived at the little octagonal treasure chamber Mr. Dod and +Miss Cora sat down together on one of the less conspicuous sofas, and I +saw that Dicky was already warmed to confidence. Momma at once gave up +her soul to the young St. John, having had an engraving of it ever since +she was a little girl, and the Senator went solemnly from canvas to +canvas on tip-toe with a mind equally open to Job and the Fornarina. He +assured Miss Nancy and me that Bramley was perfectly right in thinking +everything of the Tribune, and with reference to the Dancing Fawn, that +it was worth a visit to see Michael Angelo's notion of executing repairs +to statuary alone. He gave the place the benefit of his most serious +attention, pulling his beard a good deal before Titian's Venus (which +poppa always did in connection with this goddess, however, entirely +apart from the merit of the painting) and obviously making allowances +for her of Medici on account of her great age. At the end of the hour we +spent there it had the same effect upon him as upon Colonel Bramley, he +did not wish to go any further; and we parted from the Miss Binghams, +who did. As I said good-bye to Miss Cora she gave my hand a subtly +sympathetic pressure, whispered tenderly, "He's very nice," and +roguishly escaped before I could ask who was, or what difference it +made. Having thought it over, I took the first opportunity of inquiring +of Dicky how much of his private affairs he had unburdened to Miss Cora. +"Oh," said he, "hardly anything. She knows a former young lady friend of +mine in Syracuse--we still exchange Christmas cards--and that led me on +to say I thought of getting married this winter. Of course I didn't +mention Isabel." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +Out of indulgence to Dicky we lingered in Florence three or four days +longer than was at all convenient, considering, as the Senator said, the +amount of ground we had to cover before we could conscientiously recross +the Channel. But neither poppa nor momma were people to desert a +fellow-countryman in distress in foreign parts, especially in view of +this one's pathetic reliance upon our sympathy and support, as a family. +We all did our best toward the distraction of what momma called his poor +mind, though I cannot say that we were very successful. His poor mind +seemed wholly taken up with one anticipative idea, and whatever failed +to minister to that he hadn't, as poppa sadly said, any use for. The +cloisters of San Marco had no healing for his spirit, and when we +directed his attention to the solitary painting on the wall with which +Fra Angelico made a shrine of each of its monastic cubicles he merely +remarked that it was more than you got in most hotels, and turned +joylessly away. Even the charred stick that helped to martyr Savonarola +left him cold. He said, indifferently, that it was only the natural +result of mixing up politics and religion, and that certain Chicago +ministers who supported Bryan from the pulpit might well take warning. +But his words were apathetic; he did not really care whether those +Chicago ministers went to the stake or not. We stood him before the +bronze gates of Ghiberti, and walked him up and down between rows of +works in _pietra dura_, but without any permanent effect, and when he +contemplated the consecrated residences of Cimabue and Cellini, we could +see that his interest was perfunctory, and that out of the corner of his +eye he really considered passing fiacres. I read to him aloud from +"Romola," and momma bought him an English and Italian washing book that +he might keep a record of his _camicie_ and his _fazzoletti_--it would +be so interesting afterwards, she thought--while the Senator exerted +himself in the way of cheerful conversation, but it was very +discouraging. Even when we dined at the fashionable open air restaurant +in the Cascine, with no less a person than Ouida, in a fluff of grey +hair and black lace, at the next table, and the most distinguished +gambler of the Italian aristocracy presenting a narrow back to us from +the other side, he permitted poppa to compare the quality of the beef +fillets unfavourably with those of New York in silence, and drank his +Chianti with a lack-lustre eye. + +Towards the end of the week, however, Dicky grew remorseful. "It's all +very well," he said to me privately, "for Mrs. Wick to say that she +could spend a lifetime in Florence, if the houses only had a few modern +conveniences. I daresay she could--and as for your poppa, he's as +patient as if this were a Washington hotel and he had a caucus every +night, but it's as plain as Dante's nose that the Senator's dead sick of +this city." + +"Dicky," I said, "that is a reflection of your own state of mind. Poppa +is willing to take as much more Botticelli and Filippo Lippi as it may +be necessary to give him." + +"Oh, I know he _would_" Dicky admitted, "but he isn't as young as he +was, and I should hate to feel I was imposing on him. Besides, I'm +beginning to conclude that they've skipped Florence." + +So it came to pass that we departed for Venice next day, tarrying one +night at Bologna. We had cut a day off Bologna for Dicky's sake, but the +Senator could not be persuaded to sacrifice it altogether on account of +its well known manufacture, into the conditions of which he wished to +inquire. The shops, as we drove to the hotel, seemed to expose nothing +else for sale, but poppa said that, in spite of the local consumption, +it had certainly fallen off, and, as an official representative of one +of its great rivals in the west, he naturally felt a compunctious +interest in the state of the industry. The hotel had a little courtyard, +with an orange tree in the middle and palms in pots, and we came down +the wide marble stairs, past the statues on the landing, and the +paintings on the walls, to find dinner laid on round tables out there, I +remember. A note of momma's occurs here to the effect that there is a +great deal too much fine art in Italian hotels, with a reference to the +fact that the one at Naples had the whole of Pompeii painted on the +dining room walls. She considers this practice embarrassing to the +public mind, which has no way of knowing whether to admire these things +or not, though personally we boldly decided to scorn them all. This, +however, has nothing to do with poppa and the commercial traveller. We +knew he was a commercial traveller by the way he put his toothpick in +his pocket, though poppa said afterwards that he was not exceptionally +endowed for that line of business. He was dining at our table, and by +his gratified manner when we sat down, it was plain that he could speak +English and would be very pleased to do so. Poppa, knowing that his time +was short, began at once. + +"You belong to Bologna, sir?" he inquired with his first spoonful of +soup. For some reason it seems impossible to address a stranger at a +_table d'hote_, before the soup takes the baldness off the situation. + +The gentleman smiled. He had a broad, open, amiable, red face, with a +short black beard and a round head covered with thick hair in curls, +beautifully parted. "I do not think I belong," he said; "my house of +business, it is at Milan, and I am born at Finalmarina. But I come much +to Bologna, yes." + +"Where did you say you were born?" asked the Senator. + +"Finalmarina. You did not go to there, no? I am sorry." + +"It does seem a pity," replied poppa, "but we've been obliged to pass a +considerable number of your commercial centres, sir. This city, I +presume, has large manufacturing interests?" + +"Oh, yes, I suppose. You 'ave seen that San Petronio, you cannot help. +Very enorm'! More big than San Peter in Rome. But not complete since +fourteenth century. In America you 'ave nothing unfinish, is it not?" + +"Far as that goes," said poppa, "we generally manage to complete our +contracts within the year; as a rule, I may say within the building +season. But I have seen one or two Roman Catholic churches left with the +scaffolding hanging round the ceiling for a good deal longer, the altar +all fixed up too, and public worship going on just as usual. It seems to +be a way they have. Well, sir, I knew Bologna, by reputation, better +than any other Italian city, for years. Your local manufacture did the +business. As a boy at school, there was nothing I was more fond of for +my dinner. Thirty years ago, sir, the interest was created that brings +me here to-day." + +The commercial traveller bowed with much gratification. In the meantime +he had presented a card to momma, which informed her that Ricardo +Bellini represented the firm of Isapetti and Co., Milan, Artificial +Flowers and Lace. + +"Thirty years, that is a long time to remember Bologna, I cannot say +that thirty years I remember New York. You will not believe!" He was +obviously not more than twenty-five, so this was vastly humorous. +"Twenty years, yes, twenty years I will say! And have you seen San +Stefano? Seven churches in one! Also the most old. And having forty +Jerusalem martyrs." + +"Forty would go a long way in relics," the Senator observed with +discouragement, "but my remarks had reference to the Bologna sausage, +sir." + +"Sausage--ah! _mortadella_--yes they make here I believe." Mr. Bellini +held up his knife and fork to enable his plate to be changed and looked +darkly at the succeeding course. "But every Italian cannot like that +dish. I eat him never. You will not find in this hotel no." His manner +indicated a personal hostility to the Bologna sausage, but the Senator +did not seem to notice it. + +"You don't say so! Local consumption going off too, eh? Now how do you +explain that?" + +Mr. Bellini shrugged his shoulders. "It is much eat by the poor people. +They will always have that _mortadella_!" + +"That looks," said the Senator thoughtfully, "like the production of an +inferior article. But not necessarily, not necessarily, of course." + +"Bologna it is very _ecclesiastic_." Mr. Bellini addressed my other +parent, recovering a smile. "We have produced here six popes. It is the +fame of Bologna." + +"You seem to think a great deal of producing popes in Italy," momma +replied coldly. "I should consider it a terrible responsibility." + +"Now do you suppose," said poppa confidentially, "that the idea of +trichinosis had anything to do with slackening the demand?" + +Mr. Bellini threw his head back, and passionately replaced a section of +biscuit and cheese in the middle of his plate. + +"I know nossing, any more than you! Why you speak me always that Bologna +sausage! _Pazienza!_ What is it that sausage to make the agreeable +conversation!" + +"Sir," exclaimed the Senator with astonishment and equal heat, "you +don't seem to be aware of it, but at one time the Bologna sausage ruled +the world!" + +Mr. Bellini, however, could evidently not trust himself to discuss the +matter further. He rose precipitately with an outraged, impersonal bow, +and left the table, abandoning his biscuit and cheese, his half finished +bottle of Rudesheimer and the figs that were to follow, with the +indifference of a lofty nature. + +"I'm sorry I spoiled his dinner," said poppa with concern, "but if a +Bologna man can't talk about Bologna sausages, what can he talk about?" + +It made the Senator reticent, though, as to sausages of any kind, with +the other commercial traveller--the hotel was full of them, and we found +it very entertaining after the barren dining rooms of southern +Italy--with whom we breakfasted. He spoke to this one exclusively about +the architectural and historic features of the city, in a manner which +forbade any approach to gastronomic themes, and while the second +commercial traveller regarded him with great respect, it must be +confessed that the conversation languished. Dicky might have helped us +out, but Dicky was following his usual custom of having rooms in one +hotel and covering as many others as possible with his meals, in the +hope of an accidental meeting. This was excellent as a distraction for +his mind, but since it occasionally led him into three _dejeuners_ and +two dinners, rather bad, we feared, for other parts of him. He had +confided his design to me; he intended, on meeting Isabel's eye, to turn +very pale, abruptly terminate his repast, ask for his hat and stick, and +walk out with conspicuous agitation. As to the course he meant to pursue +afterwards he was vague; the great thing was to make an impression upon +Isabel. We differed about the nature of the impression. Dicky took it +for granted that she would be profoundly affected, but he made no +allowance for the way in which maternal vigilance like that of Mrs. +Portheris can discourage the imagination. + +Poppa made two further attempts to inform himself upon the leading +manufacturing interest of Bologna. He inquired of the _padrone_, who was +pleased to hear that Bologna had a leading manufacturing interest, and +when my parent asked where he could see the process, pointed out several +shops in the Piazza Maggiore. One of these the Senator visited, +note-book in hand, and was shown with great alacrity every variety of +_mortadella_, from delicacies the size of a finger to mottled +conceptions as thick as a small barrel. He found a difficulty in +explaining, however, even with an Italian phrase book, that it was the +manufacture only about which he was curious, and that, admirable as the +result might be, he did not wish to buy any of it. When the latter fact +finally made itself plain, the proprietor became truculent and gave us, +although he spoke no English, so vivid an idea of the inconsistency of +our presence in his premises, that we retired in all the irritation of +the well-meaning and misunderstood. The Senator, however, who had +absolute confidence in his phrase book, saw a deeper significance in the +remarkable unwillingness of the people of Bologna to expatiate upon the +feature which had given them fame. "The fact is," said he gloomily, +restoring his note-book to his inside pocket as we entered the +terra-cotta doorway of St. Catarina, "they're not anxious to let a +stranger into the know of it." And this conviction remaining with him, +still inspires the Senator with a contemptuous pity for the porcine +methods of a people who refuse to submit them to the light of day and +the observation of the world at large. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +So far, momma said she had every reason to be pleased with the effect on +her mind. About the Senator's she would not commit herself, beyond +saying that we had a great deal to be thankful for in that his health +hadn't suffered, in spite of the indigestibility of that eternal French +twist and honey that you were obliged on the Continent to begin the day +with. She hoped, I think, that the Senator had absorbed other things +beside the French twist equally unconsciously, with beneficial results +that would appear later. He said himself that it was well worth +anybody's while to make the trip, if only in order to be better +satisfied with America for the rest of his life, but why people +belonging to the United States and the nineteenth century should want to +spend whole summers in the Middle Ages he failed to understand. Both my +parents, however, looked forward to Venice with enthusiasm. Momma +expected it to be the realization of all her dreams, and poppa decided +that it must, at all events, be unique. It couldn't have any Arno or any +Campagna in the nature of things--that would be a change--and it was not +possible to the human mind, however sophisticated, with a livelong +experience of street cars and herdics, to stroll up and take a seat in +a gondola and know exactly what would happen, where the fare-box was and +everything, and whether they took Swiss silver, and if a gentleman in a +crowded gondola was expected to give up his seat to a lady and stand. +Poppa, as a stranger and unaccustomed to the motion, hoped this would +not be the case, but I knew him well enough to predict that if it were +so he would vindicate American gallantry at all risks. + +Thus it was that, from the moment momma put her head out of the car +window, after Mestre, and exclaimed, "It's getting wateryer and +wateryer," Venice was a source of the completest joy and satisfaction to +both my parents. Dicky and I took it with the more moderate appreciation +natural to our years, but it gave us the greatest pleasure to watch the +simple and unrestrained delight of momma and poppa, and to revert, as it +were, in their experience, to what our own enjoyment might have been had +we been born when they were. "No express agents, no delivery carts, no +baggage checks," murmured poppa, as our trunks glided up to the hotel +steps, "but it gets there all the same." This was the keynote of his +admiration--everything got there all the same. The surprise of it was +repeated every time anything got there, and was only dashed once when we +saw brown-paper parcels being delivered by a boy at the back door of the +Palazzo Balbi, who had evidently walked all the way. The Senator +commented upon that boy and his groceries as an inconsistency, and +thereafter carefully closed his eyes to the fact that even our own +hotel, which faced upon the Grand Canal, had communications to the rear +by which its guests could explore a large part of commercial Venice +without going in a gondola at all. The canals were the only highways he +would recognise, and he went three times to St. Maria della Salute, +which was immediately opposite, for the sake of crossing the street in +the Venetian way. Momma became really hopeful about the stimulus to his +imagination; she told him so. "It appeals to you, Alexander," she said. +"Its poetry comes home to you--you needn't deny it;" and poppa cordially +admitted it. "Yes," he said, "Ruskin, according to the guide-book, +doesn't seem as if he could say too much about this city, and Bramley +was just the same. They're both right, and if we were going to be here +long enough I'd be like that myself. There's something about it that +makes you willing to take a lot of trouble to describe it. There's no +use saying it's the canals, or the reflections in the water, or the +bridges, or the pigeons, or the gargoyles, or the gondolas----" + +"Or Salviati, or Jesurum," said momma, in lighter vein. + +"Your memory, Augusta, for the names of old masters is perfectly +wonderful," continued poppa placidly. "Or Salviati, or Jesurum, or what. +But there's a kind of local spell about this place----" + +"There are various kinds of local smells," interrupted Dicky, whom Mrs. +Portheris still evaded, but this levity received no encouragement from +the Senator. He said instead that he hadn't noticed them himself. For +his part he had come to Venice to use his eyes, not his nose; and Dicky, +thus discouraged, faded visibly upon his stem. + +I could see that poppa was still strongly under the influence of the +Venetian sentiment when he invited me to go out in a gondola with him +after dinner, and pointedly neglected to suggest that either momma or +Dicky should come too. I had a presentiment of his intention. If I have +seemed, thus far, to omit all reference to Mr. Page in Boston, since we +left Paris, it is, first, because I believe it is not considered +necessary in a book of travels to account for every half hour, and +second, because I privately believed him to be in correspondence with +the Senator the whole time, and hesitated to expose his duplicity. I had +given poppa opportunities for confessing this clandestine business, but +in his paternal wisdom he had not taken them. I was not prepared, +therefore, to be very responsive when, from a mere desire to indulge his +sense of the fitness of things, poppa endeavoured to probe my sentiments +with regard to Mr. Page by moonlight on the Grand Canal. To begin with, +I wasn't sure of them--so much depended upon what Arthur had been doing; +and besides, I felt that the perfect confidence which should exist +between father and daughter had already been a good deal damaged at the +paternal end. So when poppa said that it must seem to me like a dream, +so much had happened since the day momma and I left Chicago at +twenty-four hours' notice, six weeks ago, I said no, for my part I had +felt pretty wide awake all the time; a person had to be, I ventured to +add, with no more time to waste upon Southern Europe than we had. + +"You mean you've been sleeping pretty badly," said the Senator +sympathetically. + +"Where was it," I inquired, "you would give us pounded crabs and cream +for supper after we'd been to hear masses for the repose of somebody's +soul? That was a bad night, but I don't think I've had any others. On +the contrary." + +"Oh, well," said poppa, "it's a good thing it isn't undermining your +constitution," but he looked as if it were rather a disappointment. + +"The American constitution can stand a lot of transportation," I +remarked. "Railways live on that fact. I've heard you say so yourself, +Senator." + +Then there was an interval during which the oars of the gondoliers +dipped musically, and the moon made a golden pathway to the marble steps +of the Palazzo Contarina. Then poppa said, "I refer to the object of our +tour." + +"The object of our tour wasn't to undermine my constitution," I replied. +"It was to write a book--don't you remember. But it's some time since +you made any suggestions. If you don't look out, the author of that +volume will practically be momma." + +The Senator allowed himself to be diverted. "I think," he said, "you'd +better leave the chapter on Venice to me; you can't just talk anyhow +about this city. I'll write it one of these nights before I go to bed." + +"But the main reason," he continued, "that sent us to glide this minute +over the canal system of the Bride of the Adriatic was the necessity of +bracing you up after what you'd been through." + +"Well," I said, "it's been very successful. I'm all braced up. I'm glad +we have had such a good excuse for coming." A fib is sometimes necessary +to one's self-respect. + +"_Preme!_" cried the gondolier, and we shaved past the gondola of a +solitary gentleman just leaving the steps of the Hotel Britannia. + +"That was a shave!" poppa exclaimed, and added somewhat inconsequently, +"You might just as well not speak so loud." + +"I've always liked Arty," he continued, as we glided on. + +"So have I," I returned cordially. + +"He's in many ways a lovely fellow," said poppa. + +"I guess he is," said I. + +"I don't believe," ventured my parent, "that his matrimonial ideas have +cooled down any." + +"I hope he may marry well," I said. "Has he decided on Frankie Turner?" + +"He has come to no decision that you don't know about. Of course, I have +no desire to interfere where it isn't any of my business, but if you +wish to gratify your poppa, daughter, you will obey him in this matter, +and permit Arthur once more to--to come round evenings as he used to. He +is a young man of moderate income, but a very level head, and it is the +wish of my heart to see you reconciled." + +"Sorry I can't oblige you, poppa," I said. I certainly was not going to +have any reconciliation effected by poppa. + +"You'd better just consider it, daughter. I don't want to interfere--but +you know my desire, my command." + +"Senator," said I, "you don't seem to realise that it takes more than a +gondola to make a paternal Doge. I've got to ask you to remember that I +was born in Chicago. And it's my bed time. Gondolier! _Albergo! Andate +presto!_" + +"He seems to understand you," said poppa meekly. + +So we dropped Arthur--dropped him, so to speak, into the Grand Canal, +and I really felt callous at the time as to whether he should ever come +up again. + +But the Senator's joy in Venice found other means of expressing itself. +One was an active and disinterested appeal to the gondoliers to be a +little less modern in their costume. He approached this subject through +the guide with every gondolier in turn, and the smiling impassiveness +with which his suggestions were received still causes him wonder and +disgust. "I presume," he remonstrated, "you think you earn your living +because tourists have got to get from the Accademia to St. Mark's, and +from St. Mark's to the Bridge of Sighs, but that's only a quarter of the +reason. The other three-quarters is because they like to be rowed there +in gondolas by the gondoliers they've read about, and the gondoliers +they've read about wore proper gondoliering clothes--they didn't look +like East River loafers." + +"They are poor men, these _gondolieri_," remarked the guide. "They +cannot afford." + +"I am not an infant, my friend. I'm a business man from Chicago. It's a +business proposition. Put your gondoliers into the styles they wore when +Andrea Dandolo went looting Constantinople, and you'll double your +tourist traffic in five years. Twice as many people wanting gondolas, +wanting guides, wanting hotel accommodation, buying your coloured glass +and lace flounces--why, Great Scott! it would pay the city to do the +thing at the public expense. Then you could pass a by-law forbidding +gondoliering to be done in any style later than the fifteenth century. +Pay you over and over again." + +Poppa was in earnest, he wanted it done. He was only dissuaded from +taking more active measures to make his idea public by the fact that he +couldn't stay to put it through. He was told, of course, how the plain +black gondola came to be enforced through the extravagance of the nobles +who ruined themselves to have splendid ones, and how the Venetians +scrupled to depart from a historic mandate, but he considered this a +feeble argument, probably perpetuated by somebody who enjoyed a monopoly +in supplying Venice with black paint. "Circumstances alter cases," he +declared. "If that old Doge knew that the P. and O. was going to run +direct between Venice and Bombay every fortnight this year, he'd tell +you to turn out your gondolas silver-gilt!" + +Nevertheless, as I say, the Senator's views were coldly received, with +one exception. A highly picturesque and intelligent gondolier, whom the +guide sought to convert to a sense of the anachronism of his clothes in +connection with his calling, promised that if we would give him a +definite engagement for next day, he would appear suitably clad. The +following morning he awaited us with honest pride in his Sunday apparel, +which included violently checked trousers, a hard felt hat, and a large +pink tie. The Senator paid him hurriedly and handsomely and dismissed +him with as little injury to his feelings as was possible under the +circumstances. "Tell him," said poppa to the guide, "to go home and take +off those pants. And tell him, do you understand, to _rush_!" + +That same day, in the afternoon, I remember, when we were disembarking +for an ice at Florian's, momma directed our attention to two gentlemen +in an approaching gondola. "There's something about that man," she said +impressively, "I mean the one in the duster, that belongs to the reign +of Louis Philippe." + +"There is," I responded; "we saw him last in the Petit Trianon. It's +Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson. Two more Transatlantic fellow-travellers. +Senator, when we meet them shall we greet them?" + +The Senator had a moment of self-expostulation. + +"Well, no," he said, "I guess not. I don't suppose we need feel obliged +to keep up the acquaintance of _every_ American we come across in +Europe. It would take us all our time. But I'd like to ask him what use +he finds for a duster in Venice." + +"How I wish the Misses Bingham could hear you," I thought, but one +should never annoy one's parents unnecessarily, so I kept my reflections +to myself. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +That last day in Venice we went, I remember, to the Lido. Nothing +happened, but I don't like leaving it out, because it was the last day, +and the next best thing to lingering in Venice is lingering on it. We +went in a steamboat, under protest from poppa, who said it might as well +be Coney Island until we got there, when he admitted points of +difference, and agreed that if people had to come all the way out in +gondolas, certain existing enterprises might as well go out of business. +The steamer was full of Venetians, and we saw that they were charming, +though momma wishes it to be understood that the modern Portia wears her +bodice cut rather too low in the neck and gazes much too softly at the +modern Bassanio. Poppa and I thought it mere amiability that scorned to +conceal itself, but momma referred to it otherwise, admitting, however, +that she found it fascinating to watch. + +We seemed to disembark at a restaurant permanent among flowing waters, +so prominent was this feature of the island, but it had only a roof, and +presently we noticed a little grass and some bushes as well. The verdure +had quite a novel look, and we decided to discourage the casual person +who wished to sell us strange and uncertified shell fish from a basket +for immediate consumption, and follow it up. + +Dicky was of opinion that we might arrive at the vegetable gardens of +Venice, but in this we were disappointed. We came instead to a +street-car, and half a mile of arbour, and all the Venetians pleasurably +preparing to take carriage exercise. The horses seemed to like the idea +of giving it to them, they were quite light-hearted, one of them +actually pawed. They were the only horses in Venice, they felt their +dignity and their responsibility in a way foreign to animals in the +public service, anywhere else in the world. Personally we would have +preferred to walk to the other end of the arbour, but it would have +seemed a slight, and, as the Senator said, we weren't in Venice to hurt +anybody's feelings that belonged there. It would have been extravagant +too, since the steamboat ticket included the drive at the end. So we +struggled anxiously for good places, and proceeded to the other side +with much circumstance, enjoying ourselves as hard as possible. Dicky +said he never had such a good time; but that was because he had +exhausted Venice and his patience, and was going on to Verona next day. + +The arbour and the grass and the street-car track ended sharply and all +together at a raised wooden walk that led across the sand to a pavilion +hanging over the Adriatic, and here we sat and watched other Venetians +disporting themselves in the water below. They were glorious creatures, +and they disported themselves nobly, keeping so well in view of the +pavilion and such a steady eye upon the spectators that poppa had an +impulsive desire to feed them with macaroons. He decided not to; you +never could tell, he said, what might be considered a liberty by +foreigners; but he had a hard struggle with the temptation, the aquatic +accomplishments we saw were so deserving of reward. I had the misfortune +to lose a little pink rose overboard, as it were, and Dicky looked +seriously annoyed when an amphibious young Venetian caught it between +his lips. I don't know why; he was one of the most attractive on view, +but I have often noticed Turkish tendencies in Dicky where his +country-women are concerned. We came away almost immediately after, so +that rose will bloom in my memory, until I forget about it, among +romances that might have been. + +Strolling back, we bought a Venetian secret for a sou or two, a +beautiful little secret, I wonder who first found it out. A picturesque +and fishy smelling person in a soft felt hat sold it to us--a pair of +tiny dainty dried sea-horses, "_mere_" and "_pere_" he called them. And +there, all in the curving poise of their little heads and the twist of +their little tails, was revealed half the art of Venice, and we saw how +the first glass worker came to be told to make a sea green dragon +climbing over an amber yellow bowl, and where the gondola borrowed its +grace. They moved us to unanimous enthusiasm, and we utterly refused to +let Dicky put one in his button-hole. + +It is looking back upon Venice, too, that I see the paternal figure of +the Senator nourishing the people with octopuses. This may seem +improbable, but it is strictly true. They were small octopuses, not +nearly large enough to kill anybody while they were alive, though boiled +and pickled they looked very deadly. Pink in colour, they stood in a +barrel near the entrance, I remember, of Jesurum's, and attracted the +Senator's inquiring eye. When the guide said they were for human +consumption poppa looked at him suspiciously and offered him one. He ate +it with a promptness and artistic despatch that fascinated us all, +gathering it up by its limp long legs and taking bites out of it, as if +it were an apple. A one-eyed man who hooked pausing gondolas up to the +slippery steps offered to show how it should be done, and other +performers, all skilled, seemed to rise from the stones of the pavement. +Poppa invited them all, by pantomime, to walk up and have an octopus, +and when the crowd began to gather from the side alleys, and the +enthusiasm grew too promiscuous, he bought the barrel outright and +watched the carnival from the middle of the canal. He often speaks of +his enjoyment of the Venetian octopus, eaten in cold blood, without +pepper, salt, or vinegar; and the effect, when I am not there, is +awe-stricken. + +Next morning we took a gondola for the station, and slipped through the +gold and opal silence of the dawn on the canals away from Venice. No +one was up but the sun, who did as he liked with the facades and the +bridges in the water, and made strange lovelinesses in narrow darkling +places, and showed us things in the _calli_ that we did not know were in +the world. The Senator was really depressing until he gradually +lightened his spirits by working out a scheme for a direct line of +steamships between Venice and New York, to be based on an agreement with +the Venetian municipality as to garments of legitimate gaiety for the +gondoliers, the re-nomination of an annual Doge, who should be compelled +to wear his robes whenever he went out of doors, and the yearly +resurrection of the ancient ceremony of marrying Venice to the Adriatic, +during the months of July and August, when the tide of tourist traffic +sets across the Atlantic. "We should get every school ma'am in the +Union, to begin with," said poppa confidently, and by the time we +reached Verona he had floated the company, launched the first ship, +arrived in Venice with full orchestral accompaniment, and dined the +imitation Doge--if he couldn't get Umberto and Crispi--upon clam chowder +and canvas-backs to the solemn strains of Hail Columbia played up and +down the Grand Canal. "If it _could_ be worked," said poppa as we +descended upon the platform, "I'd like to have the Pope telephone us a +blessing on the banquet." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +It was the middle of the afternoon, and momma, having spent the morning +among the tombs of the Scaligeri, was lying down. The Scaligeri somehow +had got on her nerves; there were so many of them, and the panoply of +their individual bones was so imposing. + +"Daughter," she had said to me on the way back to the hotel, "if you +point out another thing to me I'll slap you." In that frame of mind it +was always best to let momma lie down. The Senator had letters to write; +I think he wanted to communicate his Venetian steamship idea to a man in +Minneapolis. Dicky had already been round to the Hotel di Londres--we +were at the Colomba--and had found nothing, so when he asked me to come +out for a walk I prepared to be steeped in despondency. An unsuccessful +love affair is a severe test of friendship; but I went. + +It was as I expected. Having secured a spectator to wreak his gloom +upon, Mr. Dod proceeded to make the most of the opportunity. He put his +hat on recklessly, and thrust his hands into his pa--his trouser +pockets. We were in a strange town, but he fastened his eyes moodily +upon the pavement, as if nothing else were worth considering. As we +strolled into the Piazza Bra, I saw him gradually and furtively turn up +his coat-collar, at which I felt obliged to protest. + +"Look here, Dicky," I said, "unrequited affection is, doubtless, very +trying, but you're too much of an advertisement. The Veronese are +beginning to stare at you; their sorcerers will presently follow you +about with their patent philters. Reform your personal appearance, or +here, at the foot of this statue of Victor Emmanuel, I leave you to your +fate." + +Dicky reformed it, but with an air of patience under persecution which I +found hard to bear. "I don't know your authority for calling it +unrequited," he said, with dignity. + +"All right--undelivered," I replied. "That is a noble statue--you can't +contradict the guide-book. By Borghi." + +"Victor Emmanuel, is it? Then it isn't Garibaldi. You don't have to +travel much in Italy to know it's got to be either one or the other. +What they _like_ is to have both," said Mr. Dod, with unnecessary +bitterness. "I'd enjoy something fresh in statues myself." Then, with an +imperfectly-concealed alertness, "There seems to be something going on +over there," he added. + +We could see nothing but an arched door in a high, curving wall, and a +stream of people trickling in. "Probably only one of their eternal Latin +church services," continued Dicky. "It's about the only form of public +entertainment you can depend on in this country. But we might as well +have a look in." He went on to say, as we crossed the dusty road, that +my unsympathetic attitude was enough to drive anybody to the Church of +Rome, even in the middle of the afternoon. + +But we perceived at once that it was not the Church of Rome, or any +other church. There was more than one arched entrance, and a man in +each, to whom people paid a lira apiece for admission, and when we +followed them in we found our feet still upon the ground, and ourselves +among a forest of solid buttresses and props. The number XV. was cut +deep over the door we came in by, and the props had the air of centuries +of patience. A wave of sound seemed to sweep round in a circle inside +and spend itself about us, of faint multitudinous clappings. Conviction +descended upon us suddenly, and as we stumbled after the others we +shared one classic moment of anticipation, hurrying and curious in 1895 +as the Romans hurried and were curious in 110, a little late for the +show in the Arena. They were all there before us, they had taken the +best places, and sat, as we emerged in our astonishment, tier above tier +to the row where the wall stopped and the sky began, intent, +enthusiastic. The wall threw a new moon of shadow on the west, and there +the sun struck down sharply and made splendid the dyes in the women's +clothes, and turned the Italian soldiers' buttons into flaming jewels. +And again, as we stared, the applause went round and up, from the yellow +sand below to the blue sky above, and when we looked bewildered down +into the Arena for the victorious gladiator, and saw a tumbling clown +with a painted face instead, the illusion was only half destroyed. We +climbed and struggled for better places, treading, I fear, in our +absorption on a great many Veronese toes. Dicky said when we got them +that you had to remember that the seats were Roman in order to +appreciate them, they were such very cold stone, and they sloped from +back to front, for the purpose, as we found out afterward from the +guide-book, of letting off the rain water. We were glad to understand +it, but Dicky declared that no explanation would induce him to take a +season ticket for the Arena, it was too destitute of modern +improvements. It was something, though, to sit there watching, with the +ranged multitude, a show in a Roman Amphitheatre--one could imagine +things, lictors and aediles, senators and centurions. It only required +the substitution of togas and girdled robes for trousers and petticoats, +and a purple awning for the emperor, and a brass-plated body-guard with +long spears and hairy arms and legs, and a few details like that. If one +half closed one's eyes it was hardly necessary to imagine. I was half +closing my eyes, and wondering whether they had Vestal Virgins at this +particular amphitheatre, and trying to remember whether they would turn +their thumbs up or down when they wished the clown to be destroyed, when +Dicky grew suddenly pale and sprang to his feet. + +"I was afraid it might give one a chill," I said, "but it is very +picturesque. I suppose the ancient Romans brought cushions." + +Mr. Dod did not appear to hear me. + +"In the third row below," he exclaimed, blushing joyfully, "the sixth +from this end--do you see? Yellow bun under a floral hat--Isabel!" + +"A yellow bun under a floral hat," I repeated, "that would be Isabel, if +you add a good complexion and a look of deportment. Yes, now I see her. +Mrs. Portheris on one side, Mr. Mafferton on the other. What do you want +to do?" + +"Assassinate Mafferton," said Dicky. "Does it look to you as if he had +been getting there at all." + +"So far as one can see from behind, I should say he has made some +progress, but I don't think, Dicky, that he has arrived. He is +constitutionally slow," I added, "about arriving." + +At that moment the party rose. Without a word we, too, got on our feet +and automatically followed, Dicky treading the reserved seats of the +court of Berengarius as if they had been the back rows of a Bowery +theatre. The classics were wholly obscured for him by a floral hat and a +yellow bun. I, too, abandoned my speculations cheerfully, for I expected +Mrs. Portheris, confronted with Dicky, to be more entertaining than any +gladiator. + +We came up with them at the exit, and that august lady, as we +approached, to our astonishment, greeted us with effusion. + +[Illustration: "Do you see?"] + +"We thought," she declared, "that we had lost you altogether. This is +quite delightful. Now we _must_ reunite!" Dicky was certainly included. +It was extraordinary. "And your dear father and mother," went on Mrs. +Portheris, "I am longing to hear their experiences since we parted. +Where are you? The Colomba? Why what a coincidence! We are there, too! +How small the world is!" + +"Then you have only just arrived," said Mr. Dod to Miss Portheris, who +had turned away her head, and was regarding the distant mountains. + +"Yes." + +"By the 11.30 p.m.?" + +"No. By the 2.30 p.m." + +"Had you a pleasant journey up from Naples?" + +"It was rather dusty." + +I saw that something quite awful was going on and conversed volubly with +Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton to give Dicky a chance, but in a moment +I, too, felt a refrigerating influence proceeding from the floral hat +and the bun for which I could not account. + +"Where have you been?" inquired Dicky, "if I may ask." + +"At Vallombrosa." + +There was also a parasol and it twisted indifferently. + +"Ah--among the leaves! And were they as thick as William says they are?" + +"I don't understand you." And, indeed, this levity assorted +incomprehensively with the black despair that sat on Dicky's +countenance. It was really very painful in spite of Mrs. Portheris's +unusual humanity and Mr. Mafferton's obvious though embarrassed joy, and +as Mrs. Portheris's cab drove up at the moment I made a tentative +attempt to bring the interview to a close. "Mr. Dod and I are walking," +I said. + +"Ah, these little strolls!" exclaimed Mrs. Portheris, with benignant +humour. "I suppose we must condone them now!" and she waved her hand, +rolling away, as if she gave us a British matron's blessing. + +"Oh, don't!" I cried. "Don't condone them--you mustn't!" But my words +fell short in a cloud of dust, and even Dicky, wrapped in his tragedy, +failed to receive an impression from them. + +"How," he demanded passionately, "do you account for it?" + +"Account for what?" I shuffled. + +"The size of her head--the frost--the whole bally conversation!" +propounded Dicky, with tears in his eyes. + +I have really a great deal of feeling, and I did not rebuke these terms. +Besides, I could see only one way out of it, and I was occupied with the +best terms in which to present it to Dicky. So I said I didn't know, and +reflected. + +"She isn't the same girl!" he groaned. + +"Men are always talking in the funny columns of the newspapers," I +remarked absently, "about how much better they can throw a stone and +sharpen a pencil than we can." + +Mr. Dod looked injured. "Oh, well," he said, "if you prefer to talk +about something else----" + +"But they can't see into a sentimental situation any further than into a +board fence," I continued serenely. "My dear Dick, Isabel thinks you're +engaged. So does her mamma. So does Mr. Mafferton." + +"Who to?" exclaimed Mr. Dod, in ungrammatical amazement. + +"I looked at him reproachfully. Don't be such an owl!" I said. + +Light streamed in upon Dicky's mind. "To you!" he exclaimed. "Great +Scott!" + +"Preposterous, isn't it?" I said. + +"I should ejaculate! Well, no, I mean--I shouldn't ejaculate, but--oh, +you know what I mean----" + +"I do," I said. "Don't apologise." + +"What in my aunt's wardrobe do they think that for?" + +"You left their party and joined ours rather abruptly at Pompeii," I +said. + +"Had to!" + +"Isabel didn't know you had to. If she tried to find out, I fancy she +was told little girls shouldn't ask questions. It was Lot's wife who +really came between you, but Isabel wouldn't have been jealous of Lot's +wife." + +"I suppose not," said Dicky doubtfully. + +"Do you remember meeting the Misses Bingham in the Ufizzi? and telling +them you were going to be----" + +"That's so." + +"You didn't give them enough details. And they told me they were going +to Vallombrosa. And when Miss Cora said good-bye to me she told me you +were a dear or something." + +"Why didn't you say I wasn't?" + +"Dicky, if you are going to assume that it was my fault----" + +"Only one decent hotel--hardly anybody in it--foregathered with old lady +Portheris--told every mortal thing they knew! Oh," groaned Dicky. "Why +was an old maid ever born!" + +"She never was," I couldn't help saying, but I might as well not have +said it. Dicky was rapidly formulating his plan of action. + +"I'll tell her straight out, after dinner," he concluded, "and her +mother, too, if I get a chance." + +"Do you know what will happen?" I asked. + +"You never know what will happen," replied Dicky, blushing. + +"Mrs. and Miss Portheris and Mr. Mafferton will leave the Hotel Colomba +for parts unknown, by the earliest train to-morrow morning." + +"But Mrs. Portheris declares that we're to be a happy family for the +rest of the trip." + +"Under the impression that you are disposed of, an impression that +_might_ be allowed to----" + +"My heart," said Dicky impulsively, "may be otherwise engaged, but my +alleged mind is yours for ever. Mamie, you have a great head." + +"Thanks," I said. "I would certainly tell the truth to Isabel, as a +secret, but----" + +"Mamie, we cut our teeth on the same----" + +"Horrid of you to refer to it." + +"It's such a tremendous favour!" + +"It is." + +"But since you're in it, you know, already--and it's so very +temporary--and I'll be as good as gold----" + +"You'd better!" I exclaimed. And so it was settled that the fiction of +Dicky's and my engagement should be permitted to continue to any extent +that seemed necessary until Mr. Dod should be able to persuade Miss +Portheris to fly with him across the Channel and be married at a Dover +registry office. We arranged everything with great precision, and, if +necessary, I was to fly too, to make it a little more proper. We were +both somewhat doubtful about the necessity of a bridesmaid in a registry +office, but we agreed that such a thing would go a long way towards +persuading Isabel to enter it. + +When we arrived at the hotel we found Mrs. Portheris and Mr. Mafferton +affectionately having tea with my parents. Isabel had gone to bed with a +headache, but Dicky, notwithstanding, displayed the most unfeeling +spirits. He drove us all finally to see the tomb of Juliet in the Vicolo +Franceschini, and it was before that uninspiring stone trough full of +visiting cards, behind a bowling green of suburban patronage, that I +heard him, on general grounds of expediency, make contrite advances to +Mrs. Portheris. + +"I think I ought to tell you," he said, "that my views have undergone a +change since I saw you." + +Mrs. Portheris fixed her _pince nez_ upon him in suspicious inquiry. + +"I can even swallow the whale now," he faltered, "like Jonah." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +After two days of the most humid civility Mrs. Portheris had brought +momma round. It was not an easy process, momma had such a way of fanning +herself and regarding distant objects; and Dicky and I observed its +difficulties with great satisfaction, for a family matter would be the +last thing anybody would venture to discuss with momma under such +circumstances, and we very much preferred that Mrs. Portheris's +overflowing congratulations should be chilled off as long as possible. +Dicky was for taking my parents into our confidence as a measure of +preparation, but with poppa's commands upon me with regard to Arthur, I +felt a delicacy as to the subject of engagements generally. Besides, one +never can tell whether one's poppa and momma would back one up in a +thing like that. + +I never could quite understand Mrs. Portheris's increasingly good +opinion of us at this point. The Senator declared that it was because +some American shares of hers had gone up in the market, but that struck +momma and me as somewhat too general in its application. I preferred to +attribute it to the Senator's Tariff Bill. Mr. Mafferton brought us the +_Times_ one evening in Verona, and pointed out with solemn +congratulation that the name of J.P. Wick was mentioned four times in +the course of its leading article. That journal even said in effect +that, if it were not for the faithfully sustained anti-humorous +character which had established it for so many generations in the +approbation of the British public, it would go so far as to call the +contemplated measure "Wicked legislation." Mr. Mafferton could not +understand why poppa had no desire to cut out the article. He said there +was something so interesting about seeing one's name in print--he always +did it. I was very curious to see instances of Mr. Mafferton's name in +print, and finally induced him to show them to me. They were mainly +advertisements for lost dogs--"Apply to the Hon. Charles Mafferton," and +the reward was very considerable. + +But this has nothing to do with the way the plot thickened on the Lake +of Como. I was watching Bellagio slip past among the trees on the left +shore and wondering whether we could hear the nightingales if it were +not for the steamer's engines--which was particularly unlikely as it was +the middle of the afternoon--and thinking about the trifles that would +sometimes divide lives plainly intended to mingle. Mere enunciation, for +example, was a thing one could so soon become reaccustomed to; already +momma had ceased to congratulate me on my broad a's, and I could not +help the inference that my conversation was again unobtrusively +Chicagoan. It was frustrating, too, that I had no way of finding out +how much poppa knew, and extremely irritating to think that he knew +anything. He was sitting near me as I mused, immersed in the American +mail, while momma and his Aunt Caroline insensibly glided towards +intimacy again on two wicker chairs close by. Mr. Mafferton was counting +the luggage somewhere; he was never happy on a steamer until he had done +that; and Isabel was being fervently apologised to by Dicky on the other +side of the deck. I hoped she was taking it in the proper spirit. I had +the terms all ready in which _I_ should accept an apology, if it were +ever offered to me. + +[Illustration: Fervent apologies.] + +"Now, I must not put off any longer telling you how delighted I am at +your dear Mamie's re-engagement." + +The statement reached us all, though it was intended for momma only. +Even Mrs. Portheris's more amiable accents had a quality which +penetrated far, with a suggestion of whiskers. I looked again languidly +at Bellagio, but not until I had observed a rapid glance between my +parents, recommending each other not to be taken by surprise. + +"Has she confided in you?" inquired momma. + +"No--no. I heard it in a roundabout way. You must be very pleased, dear +Augusta. Such an advantage that they have known each other all their +lives!" + +Poppa looked guardedly round at me, but by this time I was asleep in my +camp chair, the air was so balmily cool after our hot rattle to Como. + +"How _did_ you hear?" he demanded, coming straight to the point, while +momma struggled after tentative uncertainties. + +"Oh, a little bird, a little bird--who had it from them both! And much +better, I said when I heard it, that she should marry one of her own +country-people. American girls nowadays will so often be content with +nothing less than an Englishman!" + +"So far as that goes," said the Senator crisply, "we never buy anything +we haven't a use for, simply because it's cheap. But I don't mind +telling you that my daughter's re-engagement, on the old American lines, +is a thing I've been wanting to happen for some time." + +"And there are some really excellent points about Mr. Dod. We must +remember that he is still very young. He has plenty of time to repair +his fortunes. Of one thing we may be sure," continued Mrs. Portheris +magnanimously, "he will make her a very _kind_ husband." + +At this I opened my eyes inadvertently--nobody could help it--and saw +the barometrical change in poppa's countenance. It went down twenty +degrees with a run, and wore all the disgust of an hon. gentleman who +has jumped to conclusions and found nothing to stand on. + +"Oh, you're away off there, Aunt Caroline," he said with some annoyance. +"Better sell your little bird and buy a telephone. Richard Dod is no +more engaged to our daughter than the man in the moon." + +"Well, I should say not!" exclaimed momma. + +"I have it on the _best_ authority," insisted Mrs. Portheris blandly. +"You American parents are so seldom consulted in these matters. Perhaps +the young people have not told you." + +This was a nasty one for both the family and the Republic, and I heard +the Senator's rejoinder with satisfaction. + +"We don't consider, in the United States, that we're the natural bullies +of our children because we happen to be a little older than they are," +he said, "but for all that we're not in the habit of hearing much news +about them from outsiders. I'll have to get you to promise not to go +spreading such nonsense around, Aunt Caroline." + +"Oh, of course, if you say so, but I should be better satisfied if she +denied it herself," said Mrs. Portheris with suavity. "My information +was so very exact." + +I had slumbered again, but it did not avail me. I heard the American +mail dispersing itself about the deck in all directions as the Senator +rose, strode towards my chair, and shook me much more vigorously than +there was any necessity for. + +"Here's Aunt Caroline," he said, "wanting us to believe that you and +Dicky Dod are engaged--you two that have quarrelled as naturally as +brother and sister ever since you were born. I guess you can tell her +whether it's very likely!" + +I yawned, to gain time, but the widest yawn will not cover more than two +seconds. + +"What an extraordinary question!" I said. It sounds weak, but that was +the way one felt. + +"Don't prevaricate, Mamie, love," said Mrs. Portheris sternly. + +"I'm not--I don't. But n-nothing of the kind is announced, is it?" I was +growing nervous under the Senatorial eye. + +"Nothing of the kind _exists_," said poppa, the Doge all over, except +his umbrella. "Does it?" + +"Why no," I said. "Dicky and I aren't engaged. But we have an +understanding." + +I was extremely sorry. Mrs. Portheris was so triumphant, and poppa +allowed his irritation to get so much the better of him. + +"Oh," he said, "you've got an understanding! Well, you've been too +intelligent, darned if you haven't!" The Senator pulled his beard in his +most uncompromising manner. "Now you can understand something more. I'm +not going to have it. You haven't got my consent and you're not going to +get it." + +"But, my dear nephew, the match is so suitable in every respect! Surely +you would not stand in the way of a daughter's happiness when both +character and position--position in Chicago, of course, but still--are +assured!" + +Poppa paused, uncertain for an instant whether to turn his wrath upon +his aunt, and that, of course, was my opportunity to plead with my angry +parent. But the knowledge that the hopes which poppa was reducing to +dust and ashes were fervently fixed on a floral hat and a yellow bun +over which he had no control, on the other side of the ship, overcame +me, and I looked at Bellagio to hide my emotions instead, in a way which +they might interpret as obstinate, if they liked. + +"Aunt Caroline," said the Senator firmly, "I'll thank you to keep your +spoon out of the preserves. My daughter knows where I have given her +hand, and that's the direction she's going with her feet. Mary, I may as +well inform you that the details of your wedding are being arranged in +Chicago this minute. It will take place within three weeks of our +arrival, and it won't be any slump. But Richard Dod might as well be +told right now that he won't be in it, unless in the capacity of usher. +As I don't contemplate breaking up this party and making things +disagreeable all round, you'll have to tell him yourself. We sail from +Liverpool"--poppa looked at his watch--"precisely one week and four +hours from now, and if Mr. Dod has not agreed to the conditions I +mention by that time we will leave him upon the shore. That's all I have +to say, and between now and then I don't expect you or anybody else to +have the nerve to mention the matter to me again." + +After that it was impossible to wink at poppa, or in any way to give him +the assurance that my regard for him was unimpaired. There are things +that can't be passed over with a smile in one's poppa without doing him +harm, and this was one of them. It was a regular manifesto, and I felt +exactly like Lord Salisbury. I couldn't take him seriously, and yet I +had to tell him to come on, if he wanted to, and devote his spare time +to learning the language of diplomacy. So I merely bowed with what +magnificence I could command and filed it, so to speak; and walked to +the other side of the deck, leaving poppa to his conscience and momma +and his Aunt Caroline. I left him with confidence, not knowing which +would give him the worst time. Mrs. Portheris began it, before I was out +of earshot. "For an American parent," she said blandly, "it strikes me, +Joshua, that you are a little severe." + +I found Mr. Mafferton interfering, as I expected, with Dicky and Isabel +in their appreciation of the west shore. He was pointing out the Villa +Carlotta at Caddenabbia, and explaining the beauties of the sculptures +there and dwelling on the tone of blue in the immediate Alps and +reminding them that the elder Pliny once picked wild flowers on these +banks, and generally making himself the intelligent nuisance that nature +intended him to be. In spite of it Isabel was radiant. She said a number +of things with the greatest ease; one saw that language, after all, was +not difficult to her, she only wanted practice and an untroubled mind. I +looked at Dicky and saw that a weight had been removed from his, and it +was impossible to avoid the conclusion that peace and satisfaction in +this life would date for these two, if all went well for the next few +days, from the Lake of Como. But all could not be relied upon to go well +so long as Mr. Mafferton hovered, quoting Claudian on the mulberry tree, +upon the brink of a proposal, so I took him away to translate his +quotation for me in the stern, which naturally suggested the past and +its emotions. We could now refer quite sympathetically to the altogether +irretrievable and gone by, and Mr. Mafferton was able to mention Lady +Torquilan without any trace of his air that she was a person, poor dear, +that brought embarrassment with her. Indeed, I sometimes thought he +dragged her in. I asked him, in appropriate phrases, of course, whether +he had decided to accept Mrs. Portheris's daughter, and he fixed +mournful eyes upon me and said he thought he had, almost. The news of my +engagement to Mr. Dod had apparently done much to bring him to a +conclusion; he said it pointed so definitely to the unlikelihood of his +ever being able to find a more stimulating companion than Miss +Portheris, with all her charms, was likely to prove. It was difficult, +of course, to see the connection, but I could not help confiding to Mr. +Mafferton, as a secret, that there was hardly any chance of my union +with Dicky--after what poppa had said. When I assured him that I had no +intention whatever of disobeying my parent in a matter of which he was +so much better qualified to be a judge than I, it was impossible not to +see Mr. Mafferton's good opinion of me rising in his face. He said he +could not help sympathising with the paternal view, but that was all he +_would_ say; he refrained magnificently from abusing Dicky. And we +parted mutually more deeply convinced than ever of the undesirability of +doing anything rash in the all important direction we had been +discussing. + +As we disembarked at Colico to take the train for Chiavenna, Mrs. +Portheris, after seeing that Mr. Mafferton was collecting the +portmanteaux, gave me a word of comfort and of admonition. "Take my +advice, my child," she said, "and be faithful to poor dear Richard. Your +father must, in the end, give way. I shall keep at him in your +interests. When you left us this afternoon," continued the lady +mysteriously, "he immediately took out his fountain pen and wrote a +letter. It was directed--I saw that much--to a Mr. Arthur Page. Is he +the creature who is to be forced upon you, my child?" Mrs. Portheris in +the sentimental view was really affecting. + +"I think it very likely," I said calmly, "but I have promised to be +faithful to Richard, Mrs. Portheris, and I will." + +But I really felt a little nervous. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +The instant we saw the diligence momma declared that if she had to sit +anywhere but in the middle of it she would remain in Chiavenna until +next day. Mrs. Portheris was of the same mind. She said that even the +_interieur_ would be dangerous enough going down hill, but if the +Senator would sit there too she would try not to be nervous. The _coupe_ +was terrifying--one saw everything the poor dear horses did--and as to +the _banquette_ she could imagine herself flying out of it, if we so +much as went over a stone. As a party we were strangers to the +diligence; we had all the curiosity and hesitation about it, as Dicky +remarked, of the animals when Noah introduced them to the Ark. I asked +Dicky to describe the diligence for the purpose of this volume, thinking +that it might, here and there, have a reader who had never seen one, and +he said that, as soon as he had made up his mind whether it was most +like a triumphal chariot in a circus procession or a boudoir car in an +ambulance, he would; but then his eyes wandered to Isabel, who was +pinker than ever in the mountain air, and his reasoning faculties left +him. A small German with a very red nose, most incoherent in his +apparel--he might have been a Baron or again a hair-dresser--already +occupied one of the seats in the _interieur_, so after our elders had +been safely deposited beside him the _banquette_ and the _coupe_ were +left, as Mrs. Portheris said, to the adventurous young people. Dicky and +I had conspired, for the sustained effect on Mrs. Portheris, to sit in +the _banquette_, while Isabel was to suffer Mr. Mafferton in the +_coupe_--an arrangement which her mother viewed with entire complacency. +"After all," said Mrs. Portheris to momma, "we're not in Hyde Park--and +young people will be young people." We had not counted, however, with +the Senator, who suddenly realised, as Dicky was handing me up, that it +was his business, in the capacity of Doge, to interfere. It is to his +credit that he found it embarrassing, on account of his natural, almost +paternal, dislike to make things unpleasant for Dicky. He assumed a +sternly impenetrable expression, thought about it for a moment, and then +approached Mr. Mafferton. + +"I'd be obliged to you," he said, "if you could arrange, without putting +yourself out any, to change places with young Dod, there, as far as St. +Moritz. I have my reasons--but not necessarily for publication. See?" + +Mr. Mafferton's eye glistened with appreciation of the confidence +reposed in him. "I shall be most happy," he said, "if Dod doesn't mind." +But Dicky, with indecent haste, was already in the _coupe_. "Don't +mention it, Mafferton," he said out of the window. "I'm delighted--at +least--whatever the Senator says has got to be done, of course," and he +made an attempt to look hurt that would not have imposed upon anybody +but a self-constituted Doge with a guilty conscience. I took my +bereavement in stony calm, with possibly just a suggestion about my +eyebrows and under-lip that some day, on the far free shores of Lake +Michigan, a downtrodden daughter would re-assert herself; poppa +re-entered an _interieur_ darkened by a thunder-cloud on the brow of his +Aunt Caroline; and we started. + +It was some time before Mr. Mafferton interfered in the least with the +Engadine. He seemed wrapped in a cloud of vain imaginings, sprung, +obviously, from poppa's ill-considered request. I understood his +emotions and carefully respected his silence. I was unwilling to be +instructed about the Engadine either botanically or geologically--it was +more agreeable not to know the names of the lovely little foreign +flowers, and quite pleasant enough that every turn in the road showed us +a white mountain or a purple one without having to understand what it +was made of. Besides, I particularly did not wish to precipitate +anything, and there are moments when a mere remark about the weather +will do it. I had been suffering a good deal from my conscience since +Mrs. Portheris had told me that poppa had written to Arthur--I didn't +mind him enduring unnumbered pangs of hope deferred, but it was quite +another thing that he should undergo the unnecessary martyrdom of +imagining that he had been superseded by Dicky Dod. On reflection, I +thought it would be safer to start Mr. Mafferton on the usual lines, and +I nerved myself to ask him whether he could tell me anything about the +prehistoric appearance of these lovely mountains. + +"I am glad," he responded absently, "that you admire my favourite Alps." +Nothing more. I tried to prick him to the consideration of the scenery +by asking him which were his favourite Alps, but this also came to +nothing. Having acknowledged his approval of the Alps, he seemed willing +to let them go unadorned by either fact or fancy. I offered him +sandwiches, but he seemed to prefer his moustache. Presently he roused +himself. + +"I'm afraid you must think me very uninteresting, Miss Wick," he said. + +"Dear me, no," I replied. "On the contrary, I think you are a lovely +type." + +"Type of an Englishman?" Mr. Mafferton was not displeased. + +"Type of some Englishmen. You would not care to represent the--ah, +commercial classes?" + +"If I had been born in that station," replied Mr. Mafferton modestly, "I +should be very glad to represent them. But I should _not_ care to be a +Labour candidate." + +"It wouldn't be very appropriate, would it?" I suggested. "But do you +ever mean to run for anything, really?" + +"Certainly not," Mr. Mafferton replied, with slight resentment. "In our +family we never run. But, of course, I will succeed my uncle in the +Upper House." + +"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "So you will! I should think it would be simply +lovely to be born a legislator. In our country it is attained by such +painful degrees." It flashed upon me in a moment why Mr. Mafferton was +so industrious in collecting general information. He was storing it up +against the day when he would be able to make speeches, which nobody +could interrupt, in the House of Lords. + +The conversation flagged again, and I was driven to comment upon the +appearance of the little German down in the _interieur_. It was quite +remarkable, apart from the bloom on his nose, his pale-blue eyes +wandered so irresponsibly in their sockets, and his scanty, flaxen beard +made such an unsuccessful effort to disguise the amiability of his chin. +He wore a braided cotton coat to keep cool, and a woollen comforter to +keep warm, and from time to time he smilingly invited the attention of +the other three to vast green maps of the country, which I could see him +apologising for spreading over Mrs. Portheris's capacious lap. It was +interesting to watch his joyous sense of being in foreign society, and +his determination to be agreeable even if he had to talk all the time. +Now and then a sentence bubbled up over the noise of the wheels, as when +he had the happiness to discover the nationalities of his +fellow-travellers. + +"Ach, is it so? From England, from America also, and I from Markadorf +am! Four peoples, to see zis so beautiful Switzerland from everyveres in +one carriage we are come!" He smiled at them one after another in the +innocent joy of this wonderful fact, and it made me quite unhappy to see +how unresponsive they had grown. + +"In America I haf one uncle got----" + +"No, I don't know him," said the Senator, who was extremely tired of +being expected to keep up with society in Castle Garden. + +"But before I vas born going, mein uncle I myself haf never seen! To +Chicago mit nossings he went, und now letters ve are always getting it +is goot saying." + +"Made money, has he?" poppa inquired, with indifference. + +"Mit some small flours of large manufacture selling. Dose small +flours--ze name forgotten I haf--ze breads making, ze cakes making, ze +maedschen----" + +"Baking powder!" divined momma. + +"Bakings--powder! In America it is moch eat. So mine uncle Blittens----" + +"Josef Blittens?" exclaimed poppa. + +"Blittens und Josef also! The name of mine uncle to you is known! He is +so rich, mit carriage, piano, large family--he is now famous also, hein? +My goot uncle!" + +"He's been my foreman for fifteen years," said poppa, "and I don't care +where he came from; he's as good an American now as there is in the +Union. I am pleased to make the acquaintance of any member of his +family. There's nothing in the way of refreshments to be got till we +next change horses, but as soon as that happens, sir, I hope you will +take something." + +After that we began to rattle down the other side of the Julier and I +lost the thread of the conversation, but I saw that Herr Blittens' +determination to practise English was completely swamped in the +Senator's desire to persuade him of the advantages of emigration. + +"I never see a foreigner in his native land," said Mr. Mafferton, +regarding this one with disapproval, "without thinking what a pity it is +that any portion of the earth, so desirable for instance as this is, +should belong to him." Which led me to suggest that when he entered +political life in _his_ native land Mr. Mafferton should aim at the +Cabinet, he was obviously so well qualified to sustain British +traditions. + +My companion's mind seemed to be so completely diverted by this prospect +that I breathed again. He could be depended upon I knew, never to think +seriously of me when there was an opportunity of thinking seriously of +himself, and in that certainty I relaxed my efforts to make it quite +impossible that anything should happen. I forgot the contingencies of +the situation in finding whiter glaciers and deeper gorges, and looking +for the Bergamesque sheep and their shepherds which Baedeker assured us +were to be seen pasturing on the slopes and heights of the Julier +wearing long curling locks, mantles of brown wool, and peaked Calabrian +hats. We grew quite frivolous over this phenomenon, which did not +appear, and it was only after some time that we observed the Baedeker to +be of 1877, and decided that the home of truth was not in old editions. +It seemed to me afterwards that Mr. Mafferton had been waiting for his +opportunity; he certainly took advantage of a very insufficient one. + +"It's exactly," said I, talking of the compartments of the diligence, +"as if Isabel and Dicky had the first floor front, momma and poppa the +dining room, and you and I the second floor back." + +It was one of those things that one lives to repent if one survives them +five seconds; but my remorse was immediately swallowed up in +consequences. I do not propose to go into the details of Mr. Mafferton's +second attempt upon my insignificant hand--to be precise, I wear fives +and a quarter--but he began by saying that he thought we could do better +than that, meaning the second floor back, and he mentioned Park Lane. He +also said that ever since Dicky, doubtless before his affections had +become involved, had told him that there was a possibility of my +changing my mind--I was nearly false to Dicky at this point--he had been +giving the matter his best consideration, and he had finally decided +that it was only fair that I should have an opportunity of doing so. +These were not his exact words, but I can be quite sure of my +impression. We were trotting past the lake at Maloja when this came upon +me, and when I reflected that I owed it about equally to poppa and to +Dicky Dod I felt that I could have personally chastised them--could have +slapped them--both. What I longed to do with Mr. Mafferton was to hurl +him, figuratively speaking, down an abyss, but that would have been to +send him into Mrs. Portheris's beckoning arms next morning, and I had +little faith in any floral hat and pink bun once its mamma's commands +were laid upon it. I thought of my cradle companion--not tenderly, I +confess--and told Mr. Mafferton that I didn't know what I had done to +deserve such an honour a second time, and asked him if he had properly +considered the effect on Isabel. I added that I fancied Dicky was +generalising about American girls changing their minds, but I would try +and see if I had changed mine and would let him know in six days, at +Harwich. Any decision made on this side of the Channel might so easily +be upset. And this I did knowing quite well that Dicky and Isabel and I +were all to elope from Boulogne, Dicky and Isabel for frivolity and I +for propriety; for this had been arranged. In writing a description of +our English tour I do not wish to exculpate myself in any particular. + +We arrived late at St. Moritz, and the little German, on a very +fraternal footing, was still talking as the party descended from the +_interieur_. He spoke of the butterflies the day before in Pontresina, +and he laughed with delight as he recounted. + +"Vorty maybe der vas, vifty der vas, mit der diligence vlying along; und +der brittiest of all I catch; he _vill_ come at my nose" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +Leaving out the scenery--the Senator declares that nothing +spoils a book of travels like scenery--the impressions of St. Moritz +which remain with me have something of the quality, for me, of the +illustrations in a French novel. I like to consult them; they are so +crisp and daintily defined and isolated and individual. Yet I can only +write about an upper class German mamma eating brodchen and honey with +three fair square daughters, young, younger, youngest, and not a flaxen +hair mislaid among them, and the intelligent accuracy with which they +looked out of the window and said that it was a horse, the horse was +lame, and it was a pity to drive a lame horse. Or about the two American +ladies from the south, creeping, wrapped up in sealskins, along the +still white road from the Hof to the Bad, and saying one to the other, +"Isn't it nice to feel the sun on yo' back?" Or about the curio shops on +the ridge where the politest little Frenchwomen endeavour to persuade +you that you have come to the very top of the Engadine for the purpose +of buying Japanese candlesticks and Italian scarves to carry down again. +It was all so clear and sharp and still at St. Moritz; everything drew +a double significance from its height and its loneliness. But, as poppa +says, a great deal of trouble would be saved if people who feel that +they can't describe things would be willing to consider the alternative +of leaving them alone; and I will only dwell on St. Moritz long enough +to say that it nearly shattered one of Mr. Mafferton's most cherished +principles. Never in his life before, he said, had he felt inclined to +take warm water in his bath in the morning. He made a note of the +temperature of his tub to send to the _Times_. "You never can tell," he +said, "the effect these little things may have." I was beginning to be +accustomed to the effect they had on me. + +Before we got to Coire the cool rushing night had come and the glaciers +had blotted themselves out. I find a mere note against Coire to the +effect that it often rains when you arrive there, and also that it is a +place in which you may count on sleeping particularly sound if you come +by diligence; but there is no reason why I should not mention that it +was under the sway of the Dukes of Swabia until 1268, as momma wishes me +to do so. We took the train there for Constance, and between Coire and +Constance, on the Bodensee, occurred Rorshach and Romanshorn; but we +didn't get out, and, as momma says, there was nothing in the least +individual about their railway stations. We went on that Bodensee, +however, I remember with animosity, taking a small steamer at Constance +for Neuhausen. It was a gray and sulky Bodensee, full of little dull +waves and a cold head wind that never changed its mind for a moment. +Isabel and I huddled together for comfort on the very hard wooden seat +that ran round the deck, and the depth of our misery may be gathered +from the fact that, when the wind caught Isabel's floral hat under the +brim and cast it suddenly into that body of water, neither of us looked +round! Mrs. Portheris was very much annoyed at our unhappy indifference. +She implied that it was precisely to enable Isabel to stop a steamer on +the Bodensee in an emergency of this sort that she had had her taught +German. Dicky told me privately that if it had happened a week before he +would have gone overboard in pursuit, for the sake of business, without +hesitation, but, under the present happy circumstances, he preferred the +prospect of buying a new hat. Nothing else actually transpired during +the afternoon, though there were times when other events seemed as +precipitant, to most of us, as upon the tossing Atlantic, and we made +port without having realised anything about the Bodensee, except that we +would rather not be on it. + +Neuhausen was the port, but Schaffhausen was of course the place, two or +three dusty miles along a river the identity of which revealed itself to +Mrs. Portheris through the hotel omnibus windows as an inspiration. "Do +we all fully understand," she demanded, "that we are looking upon the +Rhine?" And we endeavoured to do so, though the Senator said that if it +were not so intimately connected with the lake we had just been +delivered from he would have felt more cordial about it. I should like +to have it understood that relations were hardly what might be called +strained at this time between the Senator and myself. There were +subjects which we avoided, and we had enough regard for our dignity, +respectively, not to drop into personalities whatever we did, but we had +a _modus vivendi_, we got along. Dicky maintained a noble and pained +reserve, giving poppa hours of thought, out of which he emerged with the +almost visible reflection that a Wick never changed his mind. + +There was a garden with funny little flowers in it which went out of +fashion in America about twenty years ago. There was also a _chalet_ in +the garden, where we saw at once that we could buy cuckoo clocks and +edelweiss and German lace if we wanted to. There was a big hotel full of +people speaking strange languages--by this time we all sympathised with +Mr. Mafferton in his resentment of foreigners in Continental hotels; as +he said, one expected them to do their travelling in England. There were +the "Laufen" foaming down the valley under the dining room windows, +there were the Swiss waitresses in short petticoats and velvet bodices +and white chemisettes, and at the dinner table, sitting precisely +opposite, there were the Malts. Mr. Malt, Mrs. Malt, Emmeline Malt, and +Miss Callis, not one of them missing. The Malts whom we had left at +Rome, left in the same hotel with Count Filgiatti, and to some purpose +apparently, for seated attentively next to Mrs. Malt there also was +that diminutive nobleman. + +As a family we saw at a glance that America was not likely to be the +poorer by one Count in spite of the way we had behaved to him. Miss +Callis, with four thousand dollars a year of her own, was going to offer +them up to sustain the traditions of her country. A Count, if she could +help it, should not go a-begging more than twice. Further impressions +were lost in the shock of greeting, but it recurred to me instantly to +wonder whether Miss Callis had really gone into the question of keeping +a Count on that income, whether she would be able to give him all the +luxuries he had been brought up in anticipation of. It was interesting +to observe the slight embarrassment with which Count Filgiatti +re-encountered his earlier American vision, and his re-assurance when I +gave him the bow of the most travelling of acquaintances. Nothing was +further from my thoughts than interfering. When I considered the number +of engagements upon my hands already, it made me quite faint to +contemplate even an _arrangimento_ in addition to them. + +We told the Malts where we had been and they told us where they had been +as well as we could across the table without seeming too confidential, +and after dinner Emmeline led the way to the enclosed verandah which +commanded the Falls. "Come along, ladies and gentlemen," said Emmeline, +"and see the great big old Schaffhausen Fraud. Performance begins at +nine o'clock exactly, and no reserve seats, so unless you want to get +left, Mrs. Portheris, you'd better put a hustle on." + +Miss Malt had gone through several processes of annihilation at Mrs. +Portheris's hands, and had always come out of them so much livelier than +ever, that our Aunt Caroline had abandoned her to America some time +previously. + +"Emmeline!" exclaimed Mrs. Malt, "you are _too_ personal." + +"She ought to be sent to the children's table," Mrs. Portheris remarked +severely. + +"Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Portheris. I don't like milk puddings--they +give you a double chin. I expect you've eaten a lot of 'em in your time, +haven't you, Mis' Portheris? Now, Mr. Mafferton, you sit here, and you, +Mis' Wick, you sit _here_. That's right, Mr. Wick, you hold up the wall. +I ain't proud, I'll sit on the floor--there now, we're every one fixed. +No, Mr. Dod, none of us ladies object to smoking--Mis' Portheris smokes +herself, don't you, Mis' Portheris?" + +"Emmeline, if you pass another remark to bed you go!" exclaimed her +mother with unction. + +"I was fourteen the day before yesterday, and you don't send people of +fourteen to bed. I got a town lot for a birthday present. Oh, there's +the French gentleman! _Bon soir, Monsieur! Comment va-t-il! Attendez!_" +and we were suddenly bereft of Emmeline. + +"She's gone to play poker with that man from Marseilles," remarked Mrs. +Malt. "Really, husband, I don't know----" + +"You able to put a limit on the game?" asked poppa. + +Everybody laughed, and Mr. Malt said that it wasn't possible for +Emmeline to play for money because she never could keep as much as five +francs in her possession, but if she _did_ he'd think it necessary to +warn the man from Marseilles that Miss Malt knew the game. + +"And she's perfectly right," continued her father, "in describing this +illumination business as a fraud. I don't say it isn't pretty enough, +but it's a fraud this way, they don't give you any choice about paying +your money for it. Now we didn't start boarding at this hotel, we went +to the one down there on the other side of the river. We were very much +fatigued when we arrived, and every member of our party went straight to +bed. Next day--I always call for my bills daily--what do I find in my +account but '_Illumination de la chute de la Rhin_' one franc apiece." + +"And you hadn't ordered anything of the kind," said poppa. + +"Ordered it? I hadn't even seen it! Well, I didn't lose my temper. I +took the document down to the office and asked to have it explained to +me. The explanation was that it cost the hotel a large sum of money. I +said I guessed it did, and it was also probably expensive to get hot and +cold water laid on, but I didn't see any mention of that in the bill, +though I used the hot and cold water, and didn't use the illumination." + +"That's so," said poppa. + +"Well, then the fellow said it was done all on my account, or words to +that effect, and that it was a beautiful illumination and worth twice +the money, and as it was the rule of the hotel he'd have to trouble me +for the price of it." + +"Did you oblige him?" asked poppa. + +"Yes, I did. I hated to awfully, but you never can tell where the law +will land you in a foreign country, especially when you can't converse +with the judge, and I don't expect any stranger could get justice in +Schaffhausen against an hotel anyway. But I sent for my party's trunks, +and we moved--down there to that little thing like a castle overhanging +the Falls. It was a castle once, I believe, but it's a deception now, +for they've turned it into an hotel." + +"Find it comfortable there?" inquired the Senator. + +"Well, I'm telling you. Pretty comfortable. You could sit in the garden +and get as wet as you liked from the spray, and no extra charge; and if +you wanted to eat apricots at the same time they only cost you a franc +apiece. So when I saw how moderate they were every way, I didn't think +I'd have any trouble about the illumination, specially as I heard that +the three hotels which compose Schaffhausen subscribed to run the +electric plant, and I'd already helped one hotel with its subscription." + +"When did you move in here?" asked poppa. + +"I am coming to that. Well, I saw the show that night. I happened to be +on an outside balcony when it came off, and I couldn't help seeing it. I +wouldn't let myself out so far as to enjoy it, for fear it might +prejudice me later, but I certainly looked on. You can't keep your eyes +shut for three-quarters of an hour for the sake of a principle valued at +a franc a head." + +"I expect you had to pay," said poppa. + +"You're so impatient. I looked coldly on, and between the different +coloured acts I made a calculation of the amount the hotel opposite was +losing by its extortion. I took considerable satisfaction in doing it. +You can get excited over a little thing like that just as much as if it +were the entire Monroe Doctrine; and I couldn't sleep, hardly, that +night for thinking of the things I'd say to the hotel clerk if the +illumination item decorated the bill next day. Cut myself shaving in the +morning over it--thing I never do. Well, there it was--'_Illumination de +la chute de la Rhin_,' same old French story, a franc apiece." + +"I thought, somehow, from what you've been saying, that it _would_ be +there," remarked the Senator patiently. + +"Well, sir, I tried to control myself, but I guess the clerk would tell +you I was pretty wild. There wasn't an argument I didn't use. I threw as +many lights on the situation as they did on the Falls. I asked him how +it would be if a person preferred his Falls plain? I told him I paid +him board and lodging for what Schaffhausen could show me, not for what +I could show Schaffhausen. I used the words 'pillage,' 'outrage,' and +other unmistakable terms, and I spoke of communicating the matter to the +American Consul at Berne." + +"And after that?" inquired the Senator. + +"Oh, it wasn't any use. After that I paid, and moved. Moved right up +here, this morning. But I thought about it a good deal on the way, and +concluded that, if I wasn't prepared to sample every hotel within ten +miles of this cataract for the sake of not being imposed upon, I'd have +to take up a different attitude. So I walked up to the manager the +minute we arrived, fierce as an Englishman--beg your pardon, Squire +Mafferton, but the British _have_ a ferocious way with hotel managers, +as a rule. I didn't mean anything personal--and said to him exactly as +if it was my hotel, and he was merely stopping in it, 'Sir,' I said, 'I +understand that the guests of this hotel are allowed to subscribe to an +electric illumination of the Falls of the Rhine. You may put me down for +ten francs. Now I'm prepared, for the first time, to appreciate the +evening's entertainment." + +Shortly after the recital of Mr. Malt's experiences the illumination +began, and we realised what it was to drink coffee in fairyland. Poppa +advises me, however, to attempt no description of the Falls of +Schaffhausen by any light, because "there," he says, "you will come into +competition with Ruskin." The Senator is perfectly satisfied with +Ruskin's description of the Falls; he says he doesn't believe much could +be added to it. Though he himself was somewhat depressed by them, he +found that he liked them so much better than Niagara. I heard him myself +tell five different Alpine climbers, in precise figures, how much more +water went over our own cataract. + +It was discovered that evening that Mr. and Mrs. Malt, and Emmeline, and +Miss Callis and the Count were going on to Heidelberg and down the Rhine +by precisely the same train and steamer that we had ourselves selected. +Mrs. Malt was looking forward to the ruins on the embattled Rhine with +all the enthusiasm we had expended upon Venice, but Mr. Malt declared +himself so full of the picturesque already that he didn't know how he +was going to hold another castle. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +We were on our way from Basle to Heidelberg, I remember, and +Mr. Malt was commenting sarcastically upon Swiss resources for naming +towns as exemplified in "Neuhausen." "There's a lot about this country," +said Mr. Malt, "that reminds you of the world as it appeared about the +time you built it for yourself every day with blocks, and made it lively +with animals out of your Noah's Ark. I can't say what it is, but that's +a sample of it--'New Houses!' What a baby baa-lamb name for a town! It +would settle the municipality in our part of the world--any railway +would make a circuit of fifty miles to avoid it!" + +Mr. Mafferton and I had paused in our conversation, and these remarks +reached us in full. They gave him the opportunity of bending a +sympathetic glance upon me and saying, "How graphic your countrymen are, +Miss Wick." Cologne was only three days off, but Mr. Mafferton never +departed from the proprieties in his form of address. He was in that +respect quite the most docile and respectful person I have ever found it +necessary to keep in suspense. + +I said they were not all as pictorial as Mr. Malt, and noticed that his +eye was wandering. It had wandered to Miss Callis, who was snubbing the +Count, and looking wonderfully well. I don't know whether I have +mentioned that she had blue eyes and black hair, but her occupation, of +course, would be becoming to anybody. + +"And for the matter of that your country-women, too," said Mr. +Mafferton. "I am much gratified to have the opportunity of making the +acquaintance of another of them in this unexpected way. I find your +friend, Miss Callis, a charming creature." + +She wasn't my friend, but the moment did not seem opportune for saying +so. + +"I saw you talking a good deal to her yesterday," I said. + +Mr. Mafferton twisted his moustache with a look of guilty satisfaction +which I found hard to bear. "Must I cry _Peccavi_?" he said. "You see +you were so--er--preoccupied. You said you would rather hear about the +growth of the Swiss Confederacy and its relation to the Helvetia of the +Ancients another day." + +"That was quite true," I said indignantly. + +"I found Miss Callis anxious to be informed without delay," said Mr. +Mafferton, with a slightly rebuking accent. "She has a very open mind," +he went on musingly. + +"Oh, wonderfully," I said. + +"And a highly retentive memory. It seems she was shown over our place in +Surrey last summer. She described it to me in the most perfect detail. +She must be very observant." + +"She's as observant as ever she can be," I remarked. "I expect she could +describe you in the most perfect detail too, if she tried." I sweetened +this with an exterior smile, but I felt extremely rude inside. + +"Oh, I fear I could not flatter myself--but how interesting that would +be! One has always had a desire to know the impression one makes as a +whole, so to speak, upon a fresh and unsophisticated young intelligence +like that." + +"Well," I said, "there isn't any reason why you shouldn't find out at +once." For the Count had melted away, and Miss Callis was not nearly so +much occupied with her novel as she appeared to be. + +Mr. Mafferton rose, and again stroked his moustache, with a quizzical +disciplinary air. + + "Oh woman, in your hours of ease + Uncertain, coy, and hard to please!" + +He quoted. "You are a very whimsical young lady, but since you send me +away I must abandon you." + +"Thanks so much!" I said. "I mean--I have myself to blame, I know," and +as Mr. Mafferton dropped into the seat opposite Miss Callis I saw Mrs. +Portheris regard him austerely, as one for whom it was possible to make +too much allowance. + +In connection with Heidelberg I wish there were something authentic to +say about Perkeo; but nobody would believe the quantity of wine he is +supposed to have drunk in a day, which is the statement oftenest made +about him, so it is of no consequence that I have forgotten the number +of bottles. He isn't the patron saint of Heidelberg, because he only +lived about a hundred and fifty years ago, and the first qualification +for a patron saint is antiquity. As poppa says, there may be elderly +gentlemen in Heidelberg now whose grandfathers have warned them against +the personal habits of Perkeo from actual observation. Also we know that +he was a court jester, and the pages of the Calendar, for some reason, +are closed to persons in that walk of life. Judging by the evidences of +his popularity that survive on all sides, Mr. Malt declared that he was +probably worth more to the town in attracting residents and investors +than half-a-dozen patron saints, and in this there may have been more +truth than reverence. The Elector Charles Philip, whose court he jested +for, certainly made no such mark upon his town and time as Perkeo did, +and in that, perhaps, there is a moral for sovereigns, although the +Senator advises me not to dwell upon it. At all events, one writes of +Heidelberg but one thinks of Perkeo, as he swings from the sign-boards +of the Haupt-Strasse, and stands on the lids of the beer mugs, and +smiles from the extra-mural decoration of the wine shops, and lifts his +glass, in eternally good wooden fellowship, beside the big Tun in the +Castle cellar. There is a Hotel Perkeo, there must be Clubs Perkeo, +probably a suburb and steamboats of the same name, and the local oath +"Per Perkeo!" has a harmless sound, but nothing could be more binding +in Heidelberg. Momma thought his example a very unfortunate one for a +University town, but the rest of us were inclined to admire Perkeo as a +self-made man and a success. As Dicky protested he had made the fullest +use of the capacities Nature had given him, it was evident from his +figure that he had even developed them, and what more profitable course +should the German youth follow? He was cheerful everywhere--as the +forerunner of the comic paper one supposes he had to be--but most +impressive in his effigy by his master's wine vat, in the perpetual +aroma that most inspired him, where, by a mechanical arrangement inside +him, he still makes a joke of sorts, in somewhat graceless aspersion of +the methods of the professional humorists. Emmeline found him very like +her father, and confided her impression to Mrs. Malt. "But of course," +she added condoningly, "poppa was different when you married him." + +Perkeo was not so sentimental as the Trumpeter of Sakkingen, and the +Trumpeter of Sakkingen was not so sentimental as the Heidelberg +University student. The Heidelberg University student was as a rule very +round and very young, and he seemed to give up the whole of his spare +time to imitating the passion which I hope has not been permitted to +enter too largely into this book of travels. + +Dicky and I agreed that it was a mere imitation; that is, Dicky said it +was and I agreed. It could not possibly amount to anything more, for it +consisted wholly in walking up and down in front of the house in which +its object lived. We saw it being done, and it looked so uninteresting +that we failed to realise what it meant until we inquired. Mrs. +Portheris's nephew, Mr. Jarvis Portheris, who was acquiring German in +Heidelberg, told us about it. Mrs. Portheris's nephew was just fourteen +and small of his age, but he, too, had selected the lady of his +admiration, and was taking regular daily pedestrian exercise in front of +her residence. He pointed out the residence, and observed with an +enormous frown that "another man" had usurped the pavement in his +absence, and was doing it in quick step doubtless to show his ardour. +"He's a beastly German too," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew, "so I can't +challenge him, but I'll jolly well punch his head." + +"Come on," said Dicky, "you'd better steady your nerves," and treated +him liberally to ginger-beer and currant buns; but we were not allowed +to see the encounter, which Mr. Jarvis Portheris, gratefully satiate, +assured us must be conducted on strict lines of etiquette, with formal +preliminaries. He was so very young, and obviously knew so little about +what he was doing, that we questioned him with some delicacy, but we +discovered that the practice had no parallel, as Dicky put it, for lack +of incident. It was accompanied in some cases by the writing of poetry, +"German poetry, of course," said Mrs. Portheris's nephew ineffably, but +even that was more likely to be exhibited as evidence of the writer's +fervid state of mind than to be sent to its object, who plaited her +hair and attended to her domestic duties as if nobody were in the street +but the fishmonger. In Mr. Jarvis Portheris's case he did not know the +colour of her eyes, or the number of her years; he had selected her, it +seemed, at a venture, in church, from a rear view, sitting; and had +never seen her since. Dicky, whose predilections of this sort have +always been very active, asked him seriously why he adhered to such a +hollow mockery, and he said regretfully that a fellow more or less had +to; it was one of the beastly nuisances of being educated abroad. But +from what we saw of the German temperament generally we were convinced +that as a native demonstration it was sincere, and that its idiocy arose +only, as Dicky expressed it, from the remarkable lack in foreigners of +business capacity. + +We all congratulated ourselves on seeing Heidelberg while the University +was in session, and we could observe the large fat students in flat blue +and pink and green club caps, swaggering about the town accompanied by +dogs of almost equal importance. The largest and fattest, I thought, +wore white caps, and, though Mr. Jarvis Portheris said that white was +the most aristocratic club's colour, they looked remarkably like bakers. +The Senator had an object in Heidelberg, as he had in so many places, +and that object was to investigate the practice of duelling, which +everybody understands to prevail to a deadly extent among the students. +It was plain from their appearance that personal assault at all events +was regrettably common, for nearly everyone of them wore traces of it +in their faces, wore them as if they were particularly becoming. Every +variety of scar that could well be imagined was represented, some +healed, some healing, and some freshly gory. The youth with the most +scars, we observed, gave himself the most airs, and the really +vainglorious were, more or less, obscured in cotton-wool, evidently just +from the hands of the surgeon. The Senator examined them individually as +they passed, with an inquisitiveness which they plainly enjoyed, and was +much impressed with their fighting qualities as a race, until Mr. Jarvis +Portheris happened to explain that the scars were very carefully given +and received with an almost exclusive view to personal adornment. Mr. +Mafferton appeared to have known this before; but that was an irritating +way he had--none of the rest of us did. The Senator regarded the next +youth he met, who had elongated his mouth to run up into his ear without +adding in the least to his charms of appearance, with barely disguised +contempt, and when Mr. Jarvis Portheris proceeded to explain how the +doctors pulled open the cuts if they promised to heal without leaving +any sign of valour, poppa's impatience with the noble army of duellists +grew so great that he could hardly remain in Heidelberg till the train +was ready to take him away. + +"But don't they ever by _accident_ do themselves any harm?" inquired my +disappointed parent. + +"There's one case on record," said Mr. Jarvis Portheris, "and everybody +here says it's true. One fellow that was fighting happened to have a +dog, and the dog was allowed in. Well, the other fellow, by accident, +sliced off the end of the fellow that had the dog's nose--I don't mean +the dog's nose, you know, but the fellow's. That was going a bit far, +you know; they don't generally go so far. Well, the doctor said that +would be all right, they could easily make it grow on again; but when +they looked for the nose--_the dog had eaten it!_ They never allow dogs +in now." + +It was a simple little story, and it bore marks of unmistakable age and +many aliases, but it did much to reconcile the Senator to the University +student of Heidelberg, and especially to his dog. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +Emmeline had childlike lapses; she rejoiced greatly, for instance, at +seeing a Strasbourg stork. She confessed, when she saw it, to having +read Hans Andersen when she was a little girl, and was happy in the +resemblance of the tall chimneys he stood on, and the high-pitched red +roofs he surveyed, to the pictures she remembered. But, for that matter, +so were we all. We had an hour and a half at Strasbourg, and we drove, +of course, to the Cathedral; but it was the stork that we saw, and that +each of us privately considered the really valuable impression. He stood +beside his nest with his chin sunk in his neck, looking immensely lucky +and wise, and one quite agreed with Emmeline that it must be lovely to +live under him. + +We lunched at the station, and, as the meal progressed, saw again how +widespread and sincere is the German sentiment to which I alluded, +perhaps too lightly, in the last chapter. Our waitresses were all that +could be desired, until there came between us and them a youth from +parts without. He was sallow, and the waitresses were buxom; he might +have been a student of law or medicine, they were naturally of much +lower degree. But they frankly forsook us and sat down beside him in +terms of devotion and an open aspect of radiant happiness. When one went +to draw his lager beer he put an unrepelled arm round the waist of the +other, and when the first came back he chucked her under the chin with +undisguised affection, the while we looked on and starved, none knowing +the language except Isabel, who thought of nothing but blushing. As Mr. +Malt said, if the young man could only have made up his mind, we might +have been able to get along with the rejected one; but, apparently, he +was not in the least embarrassed by numbers, sending a large and +beguiling smile to yet a further hand-maiden, who passed enviously +through the _speise-salle_ with a basin of soup. It was only when Dicky +stalked across to the old woman who sold sausages and biscuits behind a +counter, and pointed indignantly to the person who held all the +available table service of the Strasbourg railway station on his knees, +that we obtained redress. The old woman laughed as if it were amusing, +and called the maidens shrilly; but even then they came with reluctance, +as if we had been mere schnapps instead of ten complete luncheons, one +soup, and a bread and cheese, as Dicky said. The bread and cheese was +the Count, and one gathered from it that the improvement in his +immediate prospects was not yet assured, that the arrangimento was still +in futuro. + +We had become such a large party, that it is impossible to relate the +whole of our experiences even in the half hour during which we dawdled +round the Strasbourg waiting-room until the train should start. I know +it was then, for instance, that Mrs. Portheris took Dicky aside and told +him how deeply she sympathised with him in his trying position, and bade +him only be faithful to the dictates of his own heart and all would come +right in time. I know Dicky promised faithfully to do so, but I must not +dwell upon it. Nor is the opportunity adequate to express the +indignation we all felt, and not Mr. Mafferton merely, at the +insufficient personal impression we made upon the German railway +officials. They were so completely preoccupied with their magnificent +selves and their vast business that they were unable even to look at us +when we asked them questions, and their sole conception of a reply was +an order, in terms that sounded brutal to a degree. They were +objectionably burly and red in the face; they wore an offensive number +of buttons and straps upon their uniforms. As Mr. Mafferton said, they +utterly misconceived their position in life, attempting to Kaiser the +travelling public by Divine right instead of recognising themselves as +humble servants, buttoned only to be made more agreeable to the eye. + +One such person trampled upon us to such an extent that I have never +been able to satisfy myself that the Senator was sincere in making his +little mistake. We were sitting in dejected rows, with a number of other +foreigners who had been similarly reduced, when this official entered +the waiting-room, advanced to the middle of it, posed with great +majesty, and emitted several bars of a kind of chant or chime. It was +delivered with too much vigour, and it stopped too abruptly, to be +entirely enjoyable; but there was no doubt about the musical intention. +It was not even intoning; it was singing, beginning with moderation, +going on stronger with indignation, and ending suddenly in a crescendo +of denunciation. + +We smiled in difficult self-restraint as he went away, and Dicky +remarked that he supposed we were in their hands, we couldn't object to +anything they did to us. In five minutes he came back to exactly the +same spot and sang again the same words, in the same key, with the same +unction. "Encore!" exclaimed Mr. Malt boldly, but cowered under the +glare that was turned upon him, and utterly fell away when we reminded +him of the punishments attached in Germany to the charge of _lese +majeste_. Precisely five minutes more passed away, and Bawlinbuttons, as +Miss Callis called him, entered again. Then occurred the Senator's +little mistake. In the midst of the second bar, the indignant one, +Bawlinbuttons stopped short, petrified by poppa, who had advanced and +was holding out copper coins whose usefulness we had left behind us, to +the value of about fifteen cents. + +"Here's the collection," said poppa benevolently--for an instant or two +he was quite audible--"but unless you know some other tune the company +wish me to say that they won't trouble you any further." + +There are misunderstandings that are never rectified, sometimes because +a train draws up at the platform as in this case, and sometimes for +other reasons, and it was natural enough that poppa should fail to +comprehend Bawlinbuttons' indignant shouts to the effect that a Kaiser +should never be mistaken for an organ-grinder, merely because his tastes +are musical. Neither is it likely that the various Teutons who were +waiting for the information will ever understand why the announcement +that the train for Saarburg, Nancy, Frankfort, and Mayence would leave +at ten o'clock precisely was never completed for the third time, +according to the regulation. But we have often wondered since what +Bawlinbuttons did with the coppers. + +We divided up on the way to Mayence, and Mr. and Mrs. Malt came into +the compartment with the Senator, momma, and me. Mr. Malt was +unsatisfied with poppa's revenge on Bawlinbuttons, and proposed to make +things awkward further for the guard. He said it could be done very +simply, by a disagreement between himself and the Senator as to whether +the windows should be open or shut. He said he had heard of a German +guard put to the most enjoyable misery by such a dispute, not knowing +the language of the disputants and being forced to arbitrate upon their +respective demands. Mr. Malt had laughed at the Senator's joke, so the +Senator, of course, had to assist at Mr. Malt's, and they began to work +themselves up, as Mr. Malt said, into the spirit of it. Mr. Malt was to +insist that the windows should be shut, he said he _had_ got a trifling +cold, and the Senator was to require them open in the interests of +ventilation. They rehearsed their arguments, and momma putting her head +out of the window at the first small station cried, "Be quick and change +your expressions--he's coming!" + +In the presence of the guard Mr. Malt rose with dignity and closed the +windows. The Senator, with a well-simulated scowl, at once opened them +both. + +"Stranger!" said Mr. Malt, while momma fumbled for her ticket, "I shut +those windows." + +"Sir," responded poppa, "if you had not done so I shouldn't have been +obliged to open them." + +"I can't die of pneumonia, sir," said Mr. Malt, again closing the +window, "to oblige _you_." + +"Nor do I feel compelled," returned the Senator furiously, "to +asphyxiate my family to make it comfortable for you!" and the window +fell with a bang. + +The guard, holding out a massive hand for my ticket, took no notice +whatever. + +"Put it up again," said Mrs. Malt, who was more anxious than any of us +to avenge herself upon the German railway system, "and try to break the +glass." + +"Attract his attention, Alexander," said momma. "Pull one of his silly +buttons off." + +The guard gave no sign--he was replacing the elastic round my book of +coupons after detaching the green one on which was printed, "Strasburg +nach Mainz." + +Poppa and Mr. Malt were sitting opposite each other in the middle of +the carriage. + +"I tell you I've got bronchial trouble, and I won't be manslaughtered," +cried Mr. Malt, hurling himself upon the strap, while poppa seized the +guard by the arm and pointed to the closed window. The only foreign +language with which poppa is acquainted is that used by the Indians on +the banks of the Saguenay river, a few words of which he acquired while +salmon fishing there two years ago. These he poured forth upon the +guard--they were the only ones that occurred to him, he said--at the +same time threatening with his disengaged fist bodily assault upon Mr. +Malt. + +"That ought to draw him," said Mrs. Malt. + +It did draw him. + +"Leave go!" he said to poppa, and his air of authority was such that +poppa left go. "Is this here a lunatic party, or a young menagerie, or +what? Now look here," he continued, taking Mr. Malt by the elbow and +seating him with some violence in a corner seat and shutting the window. +"If you've got eight tickets for yourself say so, if you haven't that's +as much an' more than you are entitled to. The other gentleman----" But +the Senator had already collapsed into the furthest corner and was +looking fixedly through the closed glass. "Well, all I've got to say +is," he went on, lowering that window with decision, "that you can't go +kickin' up rows in this country same as you do at home, an' if you can't +get along more satisfactory together I'll----" here something interrupted +him, requiring to be transferred from the Senator's hand to the nearest +convenient pocket. "As I was goin' to say, gentlemen, there isn't any what +you might call strict rule about the windows, an' as far as I'm concerned, +you can settle it for yourselves." + +Whereupon he swung along to the next carriage, the train having started, +and left us to reflect on the incongruity of an English railway guard in +Germany. + +It was curious, but the incident left behind it a certain coolness, so +well defined that when momma suggested that the Malts' window should be +lowered as it was before to give us a current of air, Mrs. Malt said she +thought it would be better to abide by the decision of the guard, now +that we had referred it to him, and momma said, "Oh dear me, yes," if +she preferred to do so, and everybody established the most aggressively +private relations with books and newspapers. It was quite a relief when +Mrs. Portheris came at the next station to inquire whether, if we had no +married Germans in our compartment, we could possibly make room for +Isabel. Mrs. Portheris had married Germans in her compartment, two pairs +of them, and she could no longer permit her daughter to observe their +behaviour. "They obtrude their domestic relations," said Mrs. Portheris, +"in the most disgusting way. They are continually patting each other. +Quite middle-aged, too! And calling each other 'Leibchen,' and other +things which may be worse. My poor Isabel is dreadfully embarrassed, +for, of course, she can't always look out of the window. And as she +understands the language, I can't possibly tell _what_ she may +overhear!" + +We made room for Isabel, but the train to Mayence was crowded that day, +and before we arrived we had ample reason to believe that conjugal +affection is not only at home but abroad in Germany. The Senator, at one +point, threatened to travel on the engine to avoid it. He used, I think +the language of exaggeration about it. He said it was the most +objectionable article made in Germany. But I did not notice that Isabel +devoted herself at all seriously to looking out of the window. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +"He tells me," said Miss Callis, "that you are to give him his answer at +Cologne." + +"Does he, indeed?" said I. We were floating down the Rhine in the +society of our friends, two hundred and fifty other floaters, and a +string band. We had left the battlements of Bingen, and the Mouse Tower +was in sight. As we had already acquired the legend, and were sitting +behind the smoke stack, there was no reason why we should not discuss +Mr. Mafferton. + +"I suppose he does not, by any chance, mention an alternative lady," I +said carelessly. + +"I don't know," said Miss Callis, "that I should be disposed to listen +to him if he did. He would have to put it in some other light." + +"Why should you object?" I asked. "Isabel is quite a proper person to +marry him. Much more so, I often think, than I." + +"Oh!" said Miss Callis without meaning to. "I think he has outgrown that +taste. In fact, he told me so." + +"He is for ever seeking a fresh bosom for a confidence!" I cried. + +Miss Callis looked at me with more interest than she would have wished +to express. + +"What do you really think of him?" she asked. "I sometimes feel as if I +had known you for years," and she took my hand. + +I gave hers a gentle pressure, and edged a little nearer. "He has good +shoulders," I remarked critically. + +"You would hardly marry him for his _shoulders_!" + +"It doesn't seem quite enough," I admitted, "but then--his information +is always so accurate." + +"If you think you would like living with an encyclopedia." Miss Callis +had begun to look embarrassed by my hand, but I still permitted it to +nestle confidingly in hers. + +"He pronounces all his g's," I said, "and--did you ever see him in a +silk hat?" + +"I don't think you are really attached to him, dear." (The "dear" was a +really creditable sacrifice to the situation.) + +"I sometimes think," I murmured, "that one never knows one's own heart +until some sudden circumstance puts it to the test. Now if I had a +rival--in you, for instance--and I suddenly saw myself losing--but, of +course, that is impossible so far as you are concerned. Because of the +Count." + +"The Count isn't in it," said Miss Callis firmly. "At least at present." + +"But," I protested, "somebody must provide for him! I was so happy in +the thought that you had undertaken it." + +Miss Callis gave me back my hand. She looked as if she would have liked +to throw it overboard. + +"As you say," she said, "it is a little difficult to make up one's mind. +Don't you think those rocks to the right may be the Lorelei? I must go +and tell Mrs. Malt. She won't be fit to travel with for a week if she +misses the Lorelei." And Miss Callis left me to reflect upon the +inconsistencies of my sex. + +"Do you realise," said Dicky, as, with an assumed air of nonchalance, he +sauntered up and took her chair, "that we shall be in Cologne in five +hours?" + +"Fateful Cologne," I said. "There are Roman remains, I believe, as well +as the Cathedral and the scent. Also a Museum of Industrial Art, but +we'll skip that." + +"We'll skip all of it," replied Mr. Dod, with determination, "you and I +and Isabel. The train for Paris leaves at nine precisely." + +"Haven't you made up your minds to let me off," I pleaded. "I am sure +you would be happier alone. It's so unusual to elope with two ladies." + +"You don't seem to realise how Isabel has been brought up," Dicky +returned patiently. "She can't travel alone with me, don't you see, +until we are married. Afterwards she'll chaperone you back to your party +again. So it will be all right for _you_, don't you see?" + +I was obliged to say I saw, and we arranged the details. We would reach +Cologne about six, and Isabel and I, who would share a room as usual, +were secretly to pack one bag between us, which Dicky would smuggle out +of the hotel and send to the station. Isabel was to be fatigued and dine +in her room; I was to leave the _table d'hote_ early to solace her, +Dicky was to dine at a _cafe_ and meet us at the station. We would put +out the lights and lock the door of the apartment on our departure, and +the chambermaid with hot water in the morning would be the first to +discover our flight. We only regretted that we could not be there to see +the astonishment of the chambermaid. "I won't fail you," I assured Mr. +Dod, "but what about Isabel? Isabel is essential; in fact, I won't +consent to this elopement without her." + +"Isabel," said Dicky dubiously, "is all right, so far as her intentions +go. But she'd be the better for a little stiffening. Would you mind----" + +I groaned in spirit, but went in search of Isabel, thinking of phrases +that might stiffen her. I found her looking undecided, with a pencil and +a slip of paper. + +"How lucky you are," I said diplomatically, sinking into the nearest +chair, "to be going to wind up your trip on the Continent in such a +delightful way. It will be--ah--something to remember all your life." + +"Oh, I suppose so," said Isabel plaintively, "but I should _so_ much +prefer to be done in church. If mamma would only consent!" + +"She never would," I declared, for I felt that I must see Isabel Mrs. +Dod within the next day or two at all costs. + +"A registry office sounds so uninteresting. I suppose one just goes--as +one is." + +"I don't think veils and trains are worn," I observed, "except by +persons of high rank who do not approve of the marriage service. I don't +know what the Marquis of Queensberry might do, or Mr. Grant Allen." + +"Of course, the ceremony doesn't matter to _them_," replied Isabel +intelligently, "because they would just wear morning dress _anywhere_." + +"Looking at it that way, they haven't much to lose," I conceded. + +"And no wedding cake," grieved Isabel, "and no reception at the house of +the bride's mother. And you can't have your picture in the _Queen_." + +"There would be a difficulty," I said, "about the descriptive part." + +"And no favours for the coachman, and no trousseau----" + +"I wonder," I said, "whether, under those circumstances, it's really +worth while." + +"Oh, well!" said Isabel. + +"It's a night to Paris, and a morning to Dover," I said. "We will wait +for the others at Dover--I fancy they'll hurry--that'll be another day. +I'll take one _robe de nuit_, Isabel, three pocket handkerchiefs, one +brush and comb, and tooth brush. You shall have all the rest of the +bag." + +"You are a perfect love," exclaimed Miss Portheris, with the most +touching gratitude. + +"We will share the soap," I continued, "until you are married. +Afterwards----" + +"Oh, you can have it then," said Isabel, "of course," and she looked at +the Castle of Rheinfels and blushed beautifully. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +"There was only one thing that disappointed me," Mrs. Malt was saying at +the dinner table of the Cologne hotel, "and that wasn't so much what you +would call a disappointment as a surprise. White windows-blinds in a +robber castle on the Rhine I did not expect to see." + +I slipped away before momma had time to announce and explain her +disappointments, but I heard her begin. Then I felt safe, for criticism +of the Rhine is absorbing matter for conversation. The steamer's custom +of giving one stewed plums with chicken is an affront to civilisation to +last a good twenty minutes by myself. I tried to occupy and calm +Isabel's mind with it as we walked over to the station, under the twin +towers of the Cathedral, but with indifferent success. To add to her +agitation at this crisis of her life, the top button came off her glove, +and when that happened I felt the inutility of words. + +We passed the policemen on the Cathedral square with affected +indifference. We believed we were not liable to arrest, but policemen, +when one is eloping, have a forbidding look. We refrained, by mutual +arrangement, from turning once to look back for possible pursuers, but +that is not a thing I would undertake to do again under similar +circumstances. We even had the hardihood to buy a box of chocolates on +the way, that is, Isabel bought them, while I watched current events at +the confectioner's door. The station was really only about seven +minutes' walk from the hotel, but it seemed an hour before I was able to +point out Dicky, alert and expectant, on the edge of the platform behind +the line of cabs. + +"So near the fulfilment of his hopes, poor fellow," I remarked. + +"Yes," concurred Isabel, "but do you know I almost wish he wasn't +coming." + +"Don't tell him so, whatever you do," I exclaimed. "I know Dicky's +sensitive nature, and it is just as likely as not that he would take you +at your word. And I will not elope with you alone." + +I need not have been alarmed. Isabel had no intention of reducing the +party at the last moment. I listened for protests and hesitations when +they met, but all I heard was, "_Have_ you got the bag?" + +Dicky had the bag, the tickets, the places, everything. He had already +assumed, though only a husband of to-morrow, the imperative and +responsible connection with Isabel's arrangements. He told her she was +to sleep with her head toward the engine, that she was to drink nothing +but soda-water at any of the stations, and that she must not, on any +account, leave the carriage when we changed for Paris until he came for +her. It would be my business to see that these instructions were +carried out. + +"What shall I do," I asked, "if she cries in the night?" + +But Dicky was sweeping us toward the waiting-room, and did not hear me. +He placed us carefully in the seats nearest the main door, which opened +upon the departure platform, full of people hurrying to and fro, and of +the more leisurely movement of shunting trains. The lamps were lighted, +though twilight still hung about; the scene was pleasantly exciting. I +said to Isabel that I never thought I should enjoy an elopement so much. + +"_I_ shall enjoy settling down," she replied thoughtfully. "Dicky has +promised me that all the china shall be hand-painted." + +"You won't mind my leaving you for five seconds," said Mr. Dod, suddenly +exploring his breast-pocket; "the train doesn't leave for a quarter of +an hour yet, and I find I haven't a smoke about me," and he opened the +door. + +"Not more that five seconds then," I said, for nothing is more trying to +the nerves than to wait for a train which is due in a few minutes and a +man who is buying cigars at the same time. + +Dicky left the door open, and that was how I heard a strangely familiar +voice, with an inflexion of enforced calm and repression, suddenly +address him from behind it. + +"_Good evening, Dod!_" + +I did not shriek, or even grasp Isabel's hand. I simply got up and +stood a little nearer the door. But I have known few moments so +electrical. + +"My dear chap, how _are_ you?" exclaimed Dicky. "How are you? Staying in +Cologne? I'm just off to Paris." + +I thought I heard a heavy sigh, but it was somewhat lost in the +trundling of the porters' trucks. + +"Then," said Arthur Page, for I had not been deceived, "it is as I +supposed." + +"What did you suppose, old chap?" asked Dicky in a joyous and expansive +tone. + +"You do not go alone?" + +The bitterness of this was not a thing that could be communicated to +paper and ink. + +"Why, no," said Dicky, "the fact is----" + +I saw the wave--it was characteristic--with which Mr. Page stopped him. +"I have been made acquainted with the facts," he said. "Do not dwell +upon them. I do not, cannot, blame you, if you have really won her +heart." + +"So far as I know," said Dicky, with some hauteur, "there's nothing in +it to give _you_ the hump." + +"Why waste time in idle words?" replied Arthur. "You will lose your +train. I could never forgive myself if I were the cause of that." + +"You won't be," said Dicky sententiously, looking at his watch. + +"But I must ask--must demand--the privilege of one parting word," said +Arthur firmly. "Do not be apprehensive of any painful scene. I desire +only to wish her every happiness, and to bid her farewell." + +Mr. Dod, though on the eve of his wedding day, was not wholly oblivious +of the love affairs of other people. I could see a new-born and +overwhelming comprehension of the situation in his face as he put his +head in at the door and beckoned to Isabel. Evidently he could not trust +himself to speak. + +"Miss Portheris," he said, with magnificent self-control, "Mr. Page. Mr. +Page would like to wish you every happiness and to bid you farewell, +Isabel, and I don't see why he shouldn't. We have still five minutes." + +There are limits to the propriety of all practical jokes, and I walked +out at once to assure Arthur that his misunderstanding was quite +natural, and somewhat less exquisitely humorous than Mr. Dod appeared to +find it. + +"I am merely eloping too," I said, "in case anything should happen to +Isabel." Realising that this was also being misinterpreted, I added, +"She is not accustomed to travelling alone." + +We had shaken hands, and that always makes a situation more normal, but +there was still plainly an enormous amount to clear up, and painfully +little time to do it in, though Dicky with great consideration +immediately put Isabel into the carriage and followed her to its +remotest corner, leaving me standing at the door, and Arthur holding it +open. The second bell rang as I learned from Mr. Page that the +Pattersons had gone to Newport this summer, and that it was extremely +hot in New York when he left. As the guard came along the platform +shutting up the doors of the train, Arthur's agitation increased, and I +saw that his customary suffering in connection with me, was quite as +great as anybody could desire. The guard had skipped our carriage, but +it was already vibrating in departure--creaking--moving. I looked at +Arthur in a manner--I confess it--which annihilated our two months of +separation. + +"Then since you're not going to marry Dod," he inquired breathlessly, +walking along with the train--"I've heard various reports--whom, may I +ask, _are_ you going to marry?" + +"Why, nobody," I said, "unless----" + +"Well, I should think so!" ejaculated Arthur, and in spite of the +frightful German language used by the guard, he jumped into the +carriage. + +He has maintained ever since that he was obliged to do it in order to +explain his presence on the platform, which was, of course, carrying the +matter to its logical conclusion. It seemed that the Senator had advised +him to come over and meet us accidentally in Venice, where he had +intimated that reunion would be only a question of privacy and a full +moon. On his arrival at Venice--it was _his_ gondola that we shared--the +Senator had discouraged him for the moment, and had since constantly +telegraphed him that the opportune moment had not yet arrived. Finally +poppa had written to say that, though he grieved to announce that I +was engaged to Dicky, and he could not guarantee any disengagement, he +was still operating to that end. This, however, precipitated Mr. Page to +Cologne, where observation of our movements at a distance brought him to +the wrong conclusion, but fortunately to the right platform. As Isabel +remarked, if such things were put in books nobody would believe them. + +[Illustration: "Whom _are_ you going to marry?"] + +It seemed quite unreasonable and absurd when we talked it over that +Arthur and I should travel from Cologne to Dover merely to witness the +nuptials of Dicky and Isabel. As Dicky pointed out, moreover, our moral +support when it came to the interview with Mrs. Portheris would be much +more valuable if it were united. There would be the registrar--one +registrar would do--and there would be the opportunity of making it a +square party. These were Dicky's arguments; Arthur's were more personal +but equally convincing, and I must admit that I thought a good deal of +the diplomatic anticipation of that magnificent wedding which was to +illustrate and adorn the survival of the methods of the Doge of Venice +in the family of a Senator of Chicago. And thus it was that we were all +married sociably together in Dover the following morning, despatching a +telegram immediately afterwards to the Senator at the Cologne hotel as +follows: + + "We have eloped. + (Signed) R. and I. Dod. + A. and M. Page." + +Later on in the day we added details, to show that we bore no malice, +and announced that we were prepared to await the arrival of the rest of +the party for any length of time at Dover. + +We even went down to the station to meet them, where recriminations and +congratulations were so mingled that it was impossible, for some time, +to tell whether we were most blessed or banned. Even in the confusion of +the moment, however, I noticed that Mr. Mafferton made Miss Callis's +baggage his special care, and saw clearly in the cordiality of her +sentiments toward me, and the firmness of her manner in ordering him +about, that the future peer had reached his last alternative. + +I rejoice to add that the day also showed that even Count Filgiatti had +fallen, in the general ordering of fates, upon happiness with honour. I +noticed that Emmeline vigorously protected him from the Customs officer +who wished to confiscate his cigarettes, and I mentioned her air of +proprietorship to her father. + +"Why, yes," said Mr. Malt, "he offered himself as a count you see, and +Emmeline seemed to think she'd like to have one, so I closed with him. +There isn't anything likely to come of it for three or four years, but +he's willing to wait, and she's got to grow." + +I expressed my felicitations, and Mr. Malt added somewhat regretfully +that it would have been better if he'd had more in his clothes, but that +was what you had to expect with counts; as a rule they didn't seem to +have what you might call any money use for pockets. In the meantime +they were taking him home to educate him in the duties of American +citizenship. Emmeline put it to me briefly, "I'm not any Daisy Miller," +she said, "and I prefer to live out of Rome." + +Once a year the present Lady Mafferton invites Mrs. Portheris to tea, +and I know they discuss my theory of engagements in a critical spirit. +We have never seen either Miss Nancy or Miss Cora Bingham again, and I +should have forgotten the names of Mr. Pabbley and Mr. Hinkson by this +time if I had not written them down in earlier chapters. Arthur and I +have not yet made up our minds to another visit to England. We have +several friends there, however, whom we appreciate exceedingly, in +spite, as we often say to one another, of their absurd and deplorable +accent. + + +THE END. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +Miss F.F. Montresor's Books. Uniform Edition. 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Boards, 50 +cents. + +"When the last story is finished we feel, in imitation of Oliver Twist, +like asking for more."--_Public Opinion._ + +"Quaint and lifelike pictures, as characteristic in dialect as in +description, of Georgia scenes and characters, and the quaintness of its +humor is entertaining and delightful."--_Washington Public Opinion._ + + * * * * * + +D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue. New York. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +BEATRICE WHITBY'S NOVELS. Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents. + + +_SUNSET._ + +"'Sunset' will fully meet the expectations of Miss Whitby's many +admirers, while for those (if such there be) who may not know her former +books it will form a very appetizing introduction to these justly +popular stories."--_London Globe._ + + +_THE AWAKENING OF MARY FENWICK._ + +"Miss Whitby is far above the average novelist.... This story is +original without seeming ingenious, and powerful without being +overdrawn."--_New York Commercial Advertiser._ + + +_PART OF THE PROPERTY._ + +"The book is a thoroughly good one. The theme is the rebellion of a +spirited girl against a match which has been arranged for her without +her knowledge or consent.... It is refreshing to read a novel in which +there is not a trace of slipshod work."--_London Spectator._ + + +_A MATTER OF SKILL._ + +"A very charming love story, whose heroine is drawn with original skill +and beauty, and whom everybody will love for her splendid if very +independent character."--_Boston Home Journal._ + + +_ONE REASON WHY._ + +"A remarkably well-written story.... The author makes her people speak +the language of everyday life, and a vigorous and attractive realism +pervades the book."--_Boston Saturday Evening Gazette._ + + +_IN THE SUNTIME OF HER YOUTH._ + +"The story has a refreshing air of novelty, and the people that figure +in it are depicted with a vivacity and subtlety that are very +attractive."--_Boston Beacon._ + + +_MARY FENWICK'S DAUGHTER._ + +"A novel which will rank high among those of the present +season."-_Boston Advertiser._ + + +_ON THE LAKE OF LUCERNE, and other Stories._ 16mo. Boards, with +specially designed cover, 50 cents. + +"Six short stories carefully and conscientiously finished, and told with +the graceful ease of the practiced _raconteur_."--_Literary Digest._ + +"Very dainty, not only in mechanical workmanship but in matter and +manner."--_Boston Advertiser._ + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK. + + + + +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY'S PUBLICATIONS. + + +SOME NOTABLE AMERICAN FICTION in APPLETONS' TOWN AND COUNTRY LIBRARY. +Each, 12mo, cloth, $1.00; paper, 50 cents. + + +_A COLONIAL FREE-LANCE._ By Chauncey C. Hotchkiss, +author of "In Defiance of the King." + +"We have had stories of the Revolution dealing with its statesmen, its +soldiers, and its home life, but the good books relating to adventure by +sea have been few and far between. The best of these for many a moon is +'A Colonial Free-Lance' There is a rattle and dash, a continuity of +adventure that constantly chains the reader's attention and makes the +book delightful reading."--_Philadelphia Inquirer._ + + +_THE SUN OF SARATOGA._ By Joseph A. Altsheler. + +"Taken altogether, 'The Sun of Saratoga' is the best historical novel of +American origin that has been written for years, if not, indeed, in a +fresh, simple, unpretending, unlabored, manly way, that we have ever +read."--_New York Mail and Express._ + + +_MASTER ARDICK, BUCCANEER._ By F.H. Costello. + +"This story is one of the real old-fashioned kind that novel readers +will take delight in perusing. There are incident and adventure in +plenty. The characters are bold, knightly, and chivalrous, and +delightful entertainers."--_Boston Courier._ + + +_THE INTRIGUERS._ A Novel. By John D. Barry. + +"The story is a wholesome, enlivening bit of romance. It rings pure and +sweet, and is most happy in its characterizations."--_Boston Herald._ + +"A bright society novel, sparkling with wit and entertaining from +beginning to end."--_Boston Times._ + + +_IN DEFIANCE OF THE KING._ A Romance of the American Revolution. By +Chauncey C. Hotchkiss. + +"Thrills from beginning to end with the spirit of the Revolution.... His +whole story is so absorbing that you will sit up far into the night to +finish it, and lay it aside with the feeling that you have seen a +gloriously true picture of the Revolution."--_Boston Herald._ + + +_IN OLD NEW ENGLAND._ The Romance of a Colonial Fireside. By +Hezekiah Butterworth. + +"We do not remember any other volume which holds within its covers a +series of such charming legends and traditions of New England's earlier +history.... 'In Old New England' possesses a charm rare indeed. 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