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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15370-8.txt b/15370-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f02a9d --- /dev/null +++ b/15370-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5412 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs, by W. S. Gilbert + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs + +Author: W. S. Gilbert + +Release Date: March 15, 2005 [eBook #15370] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15370-h.htm or 15370-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h/15370-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h.zip) + + + + + +BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + +by + +W. H. GILBERT + +Philadelphia +Henry Altemus + + + + + + + +[Illustration: BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + + + +[Illustration] + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell" + +Captain Reece + +The Bishop and the Busman + +The Folly of Brown + +The Three Kings of Chickeraboo + +The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo + +To the Terrestrial Globe + +General John + +Sir Guy the Crusader + +King Borria Bungalee Boo + +The Troubadour + +The Force of Argument + +Only a Dancing Girl + +The Sensation Captain + +The Periwinkle Girl + +Bob Polter + +Gentle Alice Brown + +Ben Allah Achmet + +The Englishman + +The Disagreeable Man + +The Modern Major-General + +The Heavy Dragoon + +Only Roses + +They'll None of 'Em Be Missed + +The Policeman's Lot + +An Appeal + +Eheu Fugaces--! + +A Recipe + +The First Lord's Song + +When a Merry Maiden Marries + +The Suicide's Grave + +He and She + +The Lord Chancellor's Song + +Willow Waly + +The Usher's Charge + +King Goodheart + +The Tangled Skein + +Girl Graduates + +The Ape and the Lady + +Sans Souci + +The British Tar + +The Coming Bye and Bye + +The Sorcerer's Song + +Speculation + +The Duke of Plaza-Toro + +The Reward of Merit + +When I First Put This Uniform On + +Said I to Myself, Said I + +The Family Fool + +The Philosophic Pill + +The Contemplative Sentry + +Sorry Her Lot + +The Judge's Song + +True Diffidence + +The Highly Respectable Gondolier + +Don't Forget + +The Darned Mounseer + +The Humane Mikado + +The House of Peers + +The Ęsthete + +Proper Pride + +The Baffled Grumbler + +The Working Monarch + +The Rover's Apology + +Would You Know + +The Magnet and the Churn + +Braid the Raven Hair + +Is Life a Boon? + +A Mirage + +A Merry Madrigal + +The Love-Sick Boy + + + + +THE BAB BALLADS. + + + + +THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL." + + + 'Twas on the shores that round our coast + From Deal to Ramsgate span, + That I found alone, on a piece of stone, + An elderly naval man. + + His hair was weedy, his beard was long, + And weedy and long was he, + And I heard this wight on the shore recite, + In a singular minor key: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + And he shook his fists and he tore his hair. + Till I really felt afraid; + For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, + And so I simply said: + + "Oh, elderly man it's little I know + Of the duties of men of the sea, + And I'll eat my hand if I understand + How you can possibly be + + "At once a cook, and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which + Is a trick all seamen larn, + And having got rid of a thumping quid, + He spun this painful yarn: + + "'Twas in the good ship _Nancy Bell_ + That we sailed to the Indian sea, + And there on a reef we come to grief, + Which has often occurred to me. + + "And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned + (There was seventy-seven o' soul), + And only ten of the _Nancy's_ men + Said 'Here!' to the muster roll. + + "There was me and the cook and the captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig. + + "For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink, + Till a-hungry we did feel, + So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot + The captain for our meal. + + "The next lot fell to the _Nancy's_ mate, + And a delicate dish he made; + Then our appetite with the midshipmite + We seven survivors stayed. + + "And then we murdered the bo'sun tight, + And he much resembled pig; + Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, + On the crew of the captain's gig. + + "Then only the cook and me was left, + And the delicate question, 'Which + Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose, + And we argued it out as sich. + + "For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, + And the cook he worshipped me; + But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed + In the other chap's hold, you see. + + "'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom, + 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'-- + 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, + And 'Exactly so,' quoth he. + + "Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me + Were a foolish thing to do, + For don't you see that you can't cook _me_, + While I can--and will--cook _you_!' + + "So, he boils the water, and takes the salt + And the pepper in portions true + (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, + And some sage and parsley too. + + "'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, + Which his smiling features tell, + ''T will soothing be if I let you see, + How extremely nice you'll smell,' + + "And he stirred it round and round and round, + And he sniffed the foaming froth; + When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals + In the scum of the boiling broth. + + "And I eat that cook in a week or less, + And--as I eating be + The last of his chops, why I almost drops, + For a wessel in sight I see. + + * * * * * + + "And I never larf, and I never smile, + And I never lark nor play, + But I sit and croak, and a single joke + I have--which is to say: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig!" + + + + + +CAPTAIN REECE. + + + Of all the ships upon the blue, + No ship contained a better crew + Than that of worthy Captain Reece. + Commanding of _The Mantelpiece_. + + He was adored by all his men, + For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., + Did all that lay within him to + Promote the comfort of his crew. + + If ever they were dull or sad, + Their captain danced to them like mad, + Or told, to make the time pass by, + Droll legends of his infancy. + + A feather bed had every man, + Warm slippers and hot-water can, + Brown windsor from the captain's store, + A valet, too, to every four. + + Did they with thirst in summer burn? + Lo, seltzogenes at every turn. + And on all very sultry days + Cream ices handed round on trays. + + Then currant wine and ginger pops + Stood handily on all the "tops:" + And, also, with amusement rife, + A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." + + New volumes came across the sea + From Mister Mudie's libraree; + _The Times_ and _Saturday Review_ + Beguiled the leisure of the crew. + + Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., + Was quite devoted to his men; + In point of fact, good Captain Reece + Beatified _The Mantelpiece_. + + One summer eve, at half-past ten, + He said (addressing all his men): + "Come, tell me, please, what I can do + To please and gratify my crew. + + "By any reasonable plan + I'll make you happy if I can; + My own convenience count as _nil_; + It is my duty, and I will." + + Then up and answered William Lee, + (The kindly captain's coxswain he, + A nervous, shy, low-spoken man) + He cleared his throat and thus began: + + "You have a daughter, Captain Reece, + Ten female cousins and a niece, + A ma, if what I'm told is true, + Six sisters, and an aunt or two. + + "Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, + More friendly-like we all should be. + If you united of 'em to + Unmarried members of the crew. + + "If you'd ameliorate our life, + Let each select from them a wife; + And as for nervous me, old pal, + Give me your own enchanting gal!" + + Good Captain Reece, that worthy man, + Debated on his coxswain's plan: + "I quite agree," he said. "O Bill; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "My daughter, that enchanting gurl, + has just been promised to an earl, + And all my other familee + To peers of various degree. + + "But what are dukes and viscounts to + The happiness of all my crew? + The word I gave you I'll fulfil; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "As you desire it shall befall, + I'll settle thousands on you all, + And I shall be, despite my hoard, + The only bachelor on board." + + The boatswain of _The Mantelpiece_, + He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece: + "I beg your honor's leave," he said, + "If you wish to go and wed, + + "I have a widowed mother who + Would be the very thing for you-- + She long has loved you from afar, + She washes for you, Captain R." + + The captain saw the dame that day-- + Addressed her in his playful way-- + "And did it want a wedding ring? + It was a tempting ickle sing! + + "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, + We'll all be married this day week-- + At yonder church upon the hill; + It is my duty, and I will!" + + The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, + And widowed ma of Captain Reece, + Attended there as they were bid; + It was their duty, and they did. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN. + + + It was a Bishop bold, + And London was his see, + He was short and stout and round about, + And zealous as could be. + + It also was a Jew, + Who drove a Putney bus-- + For flesh of swine however fine + He did not care a cuss. + + His name was Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew. + + The Bishop said, said he, + "I'll see what I can do + To Christianize and make you wise, + You poor benighted Jew." + + So every blessed day + That bus he rode outside, + From Fulham town, both up and down, + And loudly thus he cried:-- + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + At first the busman smiled, + And rather liked the fun-- + He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, + And said, "Eccentric one!" + + And gay young dogs would wait + To see the bus go by + (These gay young dogs in striking togs) + To hear the Bishop cry:-- + + "Observe his grisly beard, + His race it clearly shows, + He sticks no fork in ham or pork:-- + Observe, my friends, his nose. + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + But though at first amused, + Yet after seven years, + This Hebrew child got awful riled, + And busted into tears. + + He really almost feared + To leave his poor abode, + His nose, and name, and beard became + A byword on that road. + + At length he swore an oath, + The reason he would know-- + "I'll call and see why ever he + Does persecute me so." + + The good old bishop sat + On his ancestral chair, + The busman came, sent up his name, + And laid his grievance bare. + + "Benighted Jew," he said, + (And chuckled loud with joy) + "Be Christian you, instead of Jew-- + Become a Christian boy. + + "I'll ne'er annoy you more." + "Indeed?" replied the Jew. + "Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!" + Then "Done!" said he, "with you!" + + The organ which, in man, + Between the eyebrows grows, + Fell from his face, and in its place, + He found a Christian nose. + + His tangled Hebrew beard, + Which to his waist came down, + Was now a pair of whiskers fair-- + His name, Adolphus Brown. + + He wedded in a year, + That prelate's daughter Jane; + He's grown quite fair--has auburn hair-- + His wife is far from plain. + + + + + +THE FOLLY OF BROWN. + +BY A GENERAL AGENT. + + + I knew a boor--a clownish card, + (His only friends were pigs and cows and + The poultry of a small farmyard) + Who came into two hundred thousand. + + Good fortune worked no change in Brown, + Though she's a mighty social chymist: + He was a clown--and by a clown + I do not mean a pantomimist. + + It left him quiet, calm, and cool, + Though hardly knowing what a crown was-- + You can't imagine what a fool + Poor rich, uneducated Brown was! + + He scouted all who wished to come + And give him monetary schooling; + And I propose to give you some + Idea of his insensate fooling. + + I formed a company or two-- + (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, + _I_ formed them solely with a view + To help him to a sound investment). + + Their objects were--their only cares-- + To justify their Boards in showing + A handsome dividend on shares, + And keep their good promoter going. + + But no--the lout prefers his brass, + Though shares at par I freely proffer: + Yes--will it be believed?--the ass + Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer! + + He added, with a bumpkin's grin, + (A weakly intellect denoting) + He'd rather not invest it in + A company of my promoting! + + "You have two hundred 'thou' or more," + Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it. + Come, take my furnished second floor, + I'll gladly show you how to spend it." + + But will it be believed that he, + With grin upon his face of poppy, + Declined my aid, while thanking me + For what he called my "philanthroppy?" + + Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice + In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them; + They will not hear the charmer's voice, + However wisely he may charm them. + + I showed him that his coat, all dust, + Top boots and cords provoked compassion, + And proved that men of station must + Conform to the decrees of fashion. + + I showed him where to buy his hat, + To coat him, trouser him, and boot him; + But no--he wouldn't hear of that-- + "He didn't think the style would suit him!" + + I offered him a country seat, + And made no end of an oration; + I made it certainly complete, + And introduced the deputation. + + But no--the clown my prospects blights-- + (The worth of birth it surely teaches!) + "Why should I want to spend my nights + In Parliament, a-making speeches? + + "I haven't never been to school-- + I ain't had not no eddication-- + And I should surely be a fool + To publish that to all the nation!" + + I offered him a trotting horse-- + No hack had ever trotted faster-- + I also offered him, of course, + A rare and curious "old Master." + + I offered to procure him weeds-- + Wines fit for one in his position-- + But, though an ass in all his deeds, + He'd learnt the meaning of "commission." + + He called me "thief" the other day, + And daily from his door he thrusts me; + Much more of this, and soon I may + Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me. + + So deaf to all sound Reason's rule + This poor uneducated clown is, + You cannot fancy what a fool + Poor rich uneducated Brown is. + + + + + +THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO. + + + There were three niggers of Chickeraboo-- + Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop--who + Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, + "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way." + + The first was a highly-accomplished "bones," + The next elicited banjo tones, + The third was a quiet, retiring chap, + Who danced an excellent break-down "flap." + + "We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan + By which, whenever we like, we can + Extemporize islands near the beach, + And then we'll collar an island each. + + "Three casks, from somebody else's stores, + Shall rep-per-esent our island shores, + Their sides the ocean wide shall lave, + Their heads just topping the briny wave. + + "Great Britain's navy scours the sea, + And everywhere her ships they be, + She'll recognize our rank, perhaps, + When she discovers we're Royal Chaps. + + "If to her skirts you want to cling, + It's quite sufficient that you're a king: + She does not push inquiry far + To learn what sort of king you are." + + A ship of several thousand tons, + And mounting seventy-something guns, + Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue, + Discovering kings and countries new. + + The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip, + Commanding that superior ship, + Perceived one day, his glasses through, + The kings that came from Chickeraboo. + + "Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see + Three flourishing islands on our lee. + And, bless me! most extror'nary thing! + On every island stands a king! + + "Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried, + "And over the dancing waves I'll glide; + That low obeisance I may do + To those three kings of Chickeraboo!" + + The admiral pulled to the islands three; + The kings saluted him gracious_lee_. + The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, + Pulled out a printed Alliance form. + + "Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray-- + I come in a friendly kind of way-- + I come, if you please, with the best intents, + And Queen Victoria's compliments." + + The kings were pleased as they well could be; + The most retiring of all the three, + In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent + With a banjo-bones accompaniment. + + The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip + Embarked on board his jolly big ship, + Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, + And off he sailed to his native shore. + + Admiral Pip directly went + To the Lord at the head of the Government, + Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, + Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville. + + The College of Heralds permission yield + That he should quarter upon his shield + Three islands, _vert_, on a field of blue, + With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo." + + Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, + Are going to sail for Chickeraboo, + And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck, + A bishop, who's going out there on spec. + + And let us all hope that blissful things + May come of alliance with darkey kings. + Oh, may we never, whatever we do, + Declare a war with Chickeraboo! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO. + + + From east and south the holy clan + Of bishops gathered, to a man; + To synod, called Pan-Anglican; + In flocking crowds they came. + Among them was a Bishop, who + Had lately been appointed to + The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, + And Peter was his name. + + His people--twenty-three in sum-- + They played the eloquent tum-tum + And lived on scalps served up in rum-- + The only sauce they knew, + When, first good Bishop Peter came + (For Peter was that Bishop's name), + To humor them, he did the same + As they of Rum-ti-Foo. + + His flock, I've often heard him tell, + (His name was Peter) loved him well, + And summoned by the sound of bell, + In crowds together came. + "Oh, massa, why you go away? + Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." + (They called him Peter, people say, + Because it was his name.) + + He told them all good boys to be, + And sailed away across the sea. + At London Bridge that Bishop he + Arrived one Tuesday night-- + And as that night he homeward strode + To his Pan-Anglican abode, + He passed along the Borough Road + And saw a gruesome sight. + + He saw a crowd assembled round + A person dancing on the ground, + Who straight began to leap and bound + With all his might and main. + To see that dancing man he stopped. + Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, + Then down incontinently dropped, + And then sprang up again. + + The Bishop chuckled at the sight, + "This style of dancing would delight + A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. + I'll learn it, if I can, + To please the tribe when I get back." + He begged the man to teach his knack. + "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," + Replied that dancing man. + + The dancing man he worked away + And taught the Bishop every day-- + The dancer skipped like any fay-- + Good Peter did the same. + The Bishop buckled to his task + With _battements_, cuts, and _pas de basque_ + (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, + That Peter was his name). + + "Come, walk like this," the dancer said, + "Stick out your toes--stick in your head. + Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-- + Your fingers thus extend; + The attitude's considered quaint," + The weary Bishop, feeling faint, + Replied, "I do not say it ain't, + But 'Time!' my Christian friend!" + + "We now proceed to something new-- + Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, + Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two." + The Bishop, never proud, + But in an overwhelming heat + (His name was Peter, I repeat), + Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, + And puffed his thanks aloud. + + Another game the dancer planned-- + "Just take your ankle in your hand, + And try, my lord, if you can stand-- + Your body stiff and stark. + If, when revisiting your see, + You learnt to hop on shore--like me-- + The novelty must striking be, + And must excite remark." + + "No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; + That is a length to which, I trow, + Colonial Bishops cannot go. + You may express surprise + At finding Bishops deal in pride-- + But, if that trick I ever tried, + I should appear undignified + In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes. + + "The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo + Are well-conducted persons, who + Approve a joke as much as you, + And laugh at it as such; + But if they saw their Bishop land, + His leg supported in his hand, + The joke they wouldn't understand-- + 'Twould pain them very much!" + + + + +TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE. + +BY A MISERABLE WRETCH. + + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through pathless realms of Space + Roll on! + What, though I'm in a sorry case? + What, though I cannot meet my bills? + What, though I suffer toothache's ills? + What, though I swallow countless pills? + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through seas of inky air + Roll on! + It's true I've got no shirts to wear; + It's true my butcher's bill is due; + It's true my prospects all look blue-- + But don't let that unsettle you! + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + _(It rolls on.)_ + + + + + +GENERAL JOHN. + + + The bravest names for fire and flames, + And all that mortal durst, + Were General John and Private James, + Of the Sixty-seventy-first. + + General John was a soldier tried, + A chief of warlike dons; + A haughty stride and a withering pride + Were Major-General John's. + + A sneer would play on his martial phiz, + Superior birth to show; + "Pish!" was a favorite word of his, + And he often said "Ho! ho!" + + Full-Private James described might be, + As a man of a mournful mind; + No characteristic trait had he + Of any distinctive kind. + + From the ranks, one day, cried Private James + "Oh! Major-General John, + I've doubts of our respective names, + My mournful mind upon. + + "A glimmering thought occurs to me, + (Its source I can't unearth) + But I've a kind of notion we + Were cruelly changed at birth. + + "I've a strange idea, each other's names + That we have each got on, + Such things have been," said Private James. + "They have!" sneered General John. + + "My General John, I swear upon + My oath I think 'tis so"-- + "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John, + And he also said "Ho! ho!" + + "My General John! my General John! + My General John!" quoth he, + "This aristocratical sneer upon + Your face I blush to see! + + "No truly great or generous cove + Deserving of them names + Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove + In the mind of a Private James!" + + Said General John, "Upon your claims + No need your breath to waste; + If this is a joke, Full-Private James, + It's a joke of doubtful taste. + + "But being a man of doubtless worth, + If you feel certain quite + That we were probably changed at birth, + I'll venture to say you're right." + + So General John as Private James + Fell in, parade upon; + And Private James, by change of names, + Was Major-General John. + + + + + +SIR GUY THE CRUSADER. + + + Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, + A muscular knight, + Ever ready to fight, + A very determined invader. + And Dickey de Lion's delight. + + Lenore was a Saracen maiden, + Brunette, statuesque, + The reverse of grotesque; + Her pa was a bagman at Aden, + Her mother she played in burlesque. + + A _coryphee_ pretty and loyal. + In amber and red, + The ballet she led; + Her mother performed at the Royal, + Lenore at the Saracen's Head. + + Of face and of figure majestic, + She dazzled the cits-- + Ecstaticized pits;-- + Her troubles were only domestic, + But drove her half out of her wits. + + Her father incessantly lashed her, + On water and bread + She was grudgingly fed; + Whenever her father he thrashed her + Her mother sat down on her head. + + Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, + For beauty so bright, + Set him mad with delight; + He purchased a stall for the season + And sat in it every night. + + His views were exceedingly proper; + He wanted to wed, + So he called at her shed + And saw her progenitor whop her-- + Her mother sit down on her head. + + "So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! + You brute of a dad, + You unprincipled cad, + Your conduct is really disgusting. + Come, come, now, admit it's too bad! + + "You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant; + Your daughter Lenore + I intensely adore + And I cannot help feeling indignant, + A fact that I hinted before. + + "To see a fond father employing + A deuce of a knout + For to bang her about. + To a sensitive lover's annoying." + Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out!" + + Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden + With a big spiky knob. + Stand idly and sob. + While a beautiful Saracen maiden + Is whipped by a Saracen snob? + + "To London I'll go from my charmer." + Which he did, with his loot + (Seven hats and a flute), + And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor, + At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit. + + Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, + Her pa, in a rage, + Died (don't know his age), + His daughter, she married the prompter, + Grew bulky and quitted the stage. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO. + + + King Borria Bungalee Boo + Was a man-eating African swell; + His sigh was a hullaballoo, + His whisper a horrible yell-- + A horrible, horrible yell! + + Four subjects, and all of them male, + To Borria doubled the knee, + They were once on a far larger scale, + But he'd eaten the balance, you see + ("Scale" and "balance" is punning, you see.) + + There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, + There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Deh, + Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah, + And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh. + + One day there was grief in the crew, + For they hadn't a morsel of meat, + And Borria Bungalee Boo + Was dying for something to eat-- + "Come provide me with something to eat!" + + "Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel; + Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + Where on earth shall I look for a meal? + For I haven't no dinner to-day!-- + Not a morsel of dinner to-day! + + "Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do? + Come, get us a meal, or in truth, + If you don't we shall have to eat you, + Oh, adorable friend of our youth! + Thou beloved little friend of our youth!" + + And he answered, "Oh Bungalee Boo, + For a moment I hope you will wait-- + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo + Is the queen of a neighboring state-- + A remarkably neighboring state. + + "Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo, + She would pickle deliciously cold-- + And her four pretty Amazons, too, + Are enticing, and not very old-- + Twenty-seven is not very old. + + "There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah, + There is jocular Waggety-Weh. + There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah-- + There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!" + + So the forces of Bungalee Boo + Marched forth in a terrible row, + And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo + Prepared to encounter the foe-- + This dreadful insatiate foe! + + But they sharpened no weapons at all, + And they poisoned no arrows--not they! + They made ready to conquer or fall + In a totally different way-- + An entirely different way. + + With a crimson and pearly-white dye + They endeavored to make themselves fair, + With black they encircled each eye, + And with yellow they painted their hair + (It was wool, but they thought it was hair). + + And the forces they met in the field-- + And the men of King Borria said, + "Amazonians, immediately yield!" + And their arrows they drew to the head, + Yes, drew them right up to the head. + + But jocular Waggety-Weh, + Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong) + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along! + You naughty old dear, go along!" + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan; + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah, + Said "Pish, go away, you bad man! + Go away, you delightful young man!" + + And the Amazons simpered and sighed, + And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, + And they opened their pretty eyes wide, + And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed + (At least, if they could, they'd have blushed). + + But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah + Said, "Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean?" + And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah + Said, "They think us uncommonly green, + Ha! ha! most uncommonly green!" + + Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh + Was insensible quite to their leers + And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + "It's your blood we desire, pretty dears-- + We have come for our dinners, my dears!" + + And the Queen of the Amazons fell + To Borria Bungalee Boo, + In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo-- + The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-Loo. + + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh + Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah, + And light-hearted Waggety-Weh + By dismal Alack-a-Deh-Ah-- + Despairing Alack-a-Deh-Ah. + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh, + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah + By good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh! + + + + + +THE TROUBADOUR. + + + A troubadour he played + Without a castle wall, + Within, a hapless maid + Responded to his call. + + "Oh, willow, woe is me! + Alack and well-a-day! + If I were only free + I'd hie me far away!" + + Unknown her face and name, + But this he knew right well, + The maiden's wailing came + From out a dungeon cell. + + A hapless woman lay + Within that dungeon grim-- + That fact, I've heard him say. + Was quite enough for him. + + "I will not sit or lie, + Or eat or drink, I vow. + Till thou art free as I, + Or I as pent as thou." + + Her tears then ceased to flow, + Her wails no longer rang, + And tuneful in her woe + The prisoned maiden sang: + + "Oh, stranger, as you play + I recognize your touch; + And all that I can say + Is, thank you very much." + + He seized his clarion straight, + And blew thereat, until + A warden oped the gate, + "Oh, what might be your will?" + + "I've come, sir knave, to see + The master of these halls: + A maid unwillingly + Lies prisoned in their walls." + + With barely stifled sigh + That porter drooped his head, + With teardrops in his eye, + "A many, sir," he said. + + He stayed to hear no more, + But pushed that porter by, + And shortly stood before + Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye. + + Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, + "What would you, sir, with me?" + The troubadour he downed + Upon his bended knee. + + "I've come, De Peckham Rye, + To do a Christian task; + You ask me what would I? + It is not much I ask. + + "Release these maidens, sir, + Whom you dominion o'er-- + Particularly her + Upon the second floor. + + "And if you don't, my lord"-- + He here stood bolt upright, + And tapped a tailor's sword-- + "Come out, you cad, and fight!" + + Sir Hugh he called--and ran + The warden from the gate: + "Go, show this gentleman + The maid in forty-eight." + + By many a cell they past, + And stopped at length before + A portal, bolted fast: + The man unlocked the door. + + He called inside the gate + With coarse and brutal shout, + "Come, step it, Forty-eight!" + And Forty-eight stepped out. + + "They gets it pretty hot, + The maidens what we cotch-- + Two years this lady's got + For collaring a wotch." + + "Oh, ah!--indeed--I see," + The troubadour exclaimed-- + "If I may make so free, + How is this castle named?" + + The warden's eyelids fill, + And sighing, he replied, + "Of gloomy Pentonville + This is the female side!" + + The minstrel did not wait + The warden stout to thank, + But recollected straight + He'd business at the Bank. + + + + + +THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT. + + + Lord B. was a nobleman bold, + Who came of illustrious stocks, + He was thirty or forty years old, + And several feet in his socks. + + To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea + This elegant nobleman went, + For that was a borough that he + Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent. + + At local assemblies he danced + Until he felt thoroughly ill-- + He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced, + And threaded the mazy quadrille. + + The maidens of Turniptopville + Were simple--ingenuous--pure-- + And they all worked away with a will + The nobleman's heart to secure. + + Two maidens all others beyond + Imagined their chances looked well-- + The one was the lively Ann Pond, + The other sad Mary Morell. + + Ann Pond had determined to try + And carry the Earl with a rush. + Her principal feature was eye, + Her greatest accomplishment--gush. + + And Mary chose this for her play, + Whenever he looked in her eye + She'd blush and turn quickly away, + And flitter and flutter and sigh. + + It was noticed he constantly sighed + As she worked out the scheme she had planned-- + A fact he endeavored to hide + With his aristocratical hand. + + Old Pond was a farmer, they say, + And so was old Tommy Morell, + In a humble and pottering way + They were doing exceedingly well. + + They both of them carried by vote + The Earl was a dangerous man, + So nervously clearing his throat, + One morning old Tommy began: + + "My darter's no pratty young doll-- + I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man-- + Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll, + And what do 'ee mean by his Ann?" + + Said B., "I will give you my bond + I mean them uncommonly well, + Believe me, my excellent Pond, + And credit me, worthy Morell. + + "It's quite indisputable, for + I'll prove it with singular ease, + You shall have it in 'Barbara' or + 'Celarent'--whichever you please. + + "You see, when an anchorite bows + To the yoke of intentional sin-- + If the state of the country allows, + Homogeny always steps in. + + "It's a highly ęsthetical bond, + As any mere ploughboy can tell"-- + "Of course," replied puzzled old Pond. + "I see," said old Tommy Morell. + + "Very good then," continued the lord, + "When its fooled to the top of its bent, + With a sweep of a Damocles sword + The web of intention is rent. + + "That's patent to all of us here, + As any mere schoolboy can tell." + Pond answered, "Of course it's quite clear;" + And so did that humbug Morell. + + "It's tone esoteric in force-- + I trust that I make myself clear?"-- + Morell only answered "Of course,"-- + While Pond slowly muttered, "Hear, hear." + + "Volition--celestial prize, + Pellucid as porphyry cell-- + Is based on a principle wise." + "Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell. + + "From what I have said, you will see + That I couldn't wed either--in fine, + By nature's unchanging decree + _Your_ daughters could never be _mine_. + + "Go home to your pigs and your ricks, + My hands of the matter I've rinsed." + So they take up their hats and their sticks, + And _exeunt ambo_, convinced. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +ONLY A DANCING GIRL. + + + Only a dancing girl, + With an unromantic style, + With borrowed color and curl, + With fixed mechanical smile, + With many a hackneyed wile, + With ungrammatical lips, + And corns that mar her trips! + + Hung from the "flies" in air, + She acts a palpable lie, + She's as little a fairy there + As unpoetical I! + I hear you asking, Why-- + Why in the world I sing + This tawdry, tinselled thing? + + No airy fairy she, + As she hangs in arsenic green, + From a highly impossible tree, + In a highly impossible scene + (Herself not over clean). + For fays don't suffer, I'm told, + From bunions, coughs, or cold. + + And stately dames that bring + Their daughters there to see, + Pronounce the "dancing thing" + No better than she should be. + With her skirt at her shameful knee, + And her painted, tainted phiz: + Ah, matron, which of us is? + + (And, in sooth, it oft occurs + That while these matrons sigh, + Their dresses are lower than hers, + And sometimes half as high; + And their hair is hair they buy, + And they use their glasses, too, + In a way she'd blush to do.) + + But change her gold and green + For a coarse merino gown, + And see her upon the scene + Of her home, when coaxing down + Her drunken father's frown, + In his squalid, cheerless den: + She's a fairy truly, then! + + + + + +THE SENSATION CAPTAIN. + + + No nobler captain ever trod + Than Captain Parklebury Todd, + So good--so wise--so brave, he! + But still, as all his friends would own, + He had one folly--one alone-- + This Captain in the Navy. + + I do not think I ever knew + A man so wholly given to + Creating a sensation; + Or p'r'aps I should in justice say-- + To what in an Adelphi play + Is known as "Situation." + + He passed his time designing traps + To flurry unsuspicious chaps-- + The taste was his innately-- + He couldn't walk into a room + Without ejaculating "Boom!" + Which startled ladies greatly. + + He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, + Not, you will understand, in joke, + As some assume disguises. + He did it, actuated by + A simple love of mystery + And fondness for surprises. + + I need not say he loved a maid-- + His eloquence threw into shade + All others who adored her: + The maid, though pleased at first, I know, + Found, after several years or so, + Her startling lover bored her. + + So, when his orders came to sail, + She did not faint or scream or wail, + Or with her tears anoint him. + She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye;" + With laughter dancing in her eye-- + Which seemed to disappoint him. + + But ere he went aboard his boat + He placed around her little throat + A ribbon blue and yellow, + On which he hung a double tooth-- + A simple token this, in sooth-- + 'Twas all he had, poor fellow! + + "I often wonder," he would say, + When very, very far away, + "If Angelina wears it! + A plan has entered in my head, + I will pretend that I am dead, + And see how Angy bears it!" + + The news he made a messmate tell: + His Angelina bore it well, + No sign gave she of crazing; + But, steady as the Inchcape rock + His Angelina stood the shock + With fortitude amazing. + + She said, "Some one I must elect + Poor Angelina to protect + From all who wish to harm her. + Since worthy Captain Todd is dead + I rather feel inclined to wed + A comfortable farmer." + + A comfortable farmer came + (Bassanio Tyler was his name) + Who had no end of treasure: + He said, "My noble gal, be mine!" + The noble gal did not decline, + But simply said, "With pleasure." + + When this was told to Captain Todd, + At first he thought it rather odd, + And felt some perturbation; + But very long he did not grieve, + He thought he could a way perceive + To _such_ a situation! + + "I'll not reveal myself," said he, + "Till they are both in the Eccle- + siastical Arena; + Then suddenly I will appear, + And paralyzing them with fear, + Demand my Angelina!" + + At length arrived the wedding day-- + Accoutred in the usual way + Appeared the bridal body-- + The worthy clergyman began, + When in the gallant captain ran + And cried, "Behold your Toddy!" + + The bridegroom, p'r'aps, was terrified, + And also possibly the bride-- + The bridesmaids _were_ affrighted; + But Angelina, noble soul, + Contrived her feelings to control, + And really seemed delighted. + + "My bride!" said gallant Captain Todd, + "She's mine, uninteresting clod, + My own, my darling charmer!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "you're just too late, + I'm married to, I beg to state, + This comfortable farmer!" + + "Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mine, + You've been and cut it far too fine!" + "I see," said Todd, "I'm beaten." + And so he went to sea once more, + "Sensation" he for aye forswore, + And married on her native shore + A lady whom he'd met before-- + A lovely Otaheitan. + + + + + +THE PERIWINKLE GIRL. + + + I've often thought that headstrong youths, + Of decent education, + Determine all-important truths + With strange precipitation. + + The over-ready victims they, + Of logical illusions, + And in a self-assertive way + They jump at strange conclusions. + + Now take my case: Ere sorrow could + My ample forehead wrinkle, + I had determined that I would + Not like to be a winkle. + + "A winkle," I would oft advance + With readiness provoking, + "Can seldom flirt, and never dance + Or soothe his mind by smoking." + + In short, I spurned the shelly joy, + And spoke with strange decision-- + Men pointed to me as a boy + Who held them in derision. + + But I was young--too young, by far-- + Or I had been more wary, + I knew not then that winkles are + The stock-in-trade of Mary. + + I had not seen her sunlight blithe + As o'er their shells it dances, + I've seen those winkles almost writhe + Beneath her beaming glances. + + Of slighting all the winkly brood + I surely had been chary, + If I had known they formed the food + And stock-in-trade of Mary. + + Both high and low and great and small + Fell prostrate at her tootsies, + They all were noblemen, and all + Had balances at Coutts's. + + Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, + Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy, + Who eat her winkles till they felt + Exceedingly uncomfy. + + Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes, + And sticks, they say, at no-thing. + He wears a pair of golden boots + And silver underclothing. + + Duke Humphy, as I understand. + Though mentally acuter, + His boots are only silver, and + His underclothing pewter. + + A third adorer had the girl, + A man of lowly station-- + A miserable grov'ling earl + Besought her approbation. + + This humble cad she did refuse + With much contempt and loathing; + He wore a pair of leather shoes + And cambric underclothing! + + "Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my word! + Well, really--come, I never! + Oh, go along, it's too absurd! + My goodness! Did you ever? + + "Two dukes would make their Bowles a bride, + And from her foes defend her"-- + "Well, not exactly that," they cried, + "We offer guilty splendor. + + "We do not offer marriage rite, + So please dismiss the notion!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "that alters quite + The state of my emotion." + + The earl he up and says, says he, + "Dismiss them to their orgies, + For I am game to marry thee + Quite reg'lar at St. George's." + + He'd had, it happily befell, + A decent education; + His views would have befitted well + A far superior station. + + His sterling worth had worked a cure, + She never heard him grumble; + She saw his soul was good and pure + Although his rank was humble. + + Her views of earldoms and their lot, + All underwent expansion; + Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot! + Go, Vice in ducal mansion! + + + + + +BOB POLTER. + + + Bob Polter was a navvy, and + His hands were coarse, and dirty too, + His homely face was rough and tanned, + His time of life was thirty-two. + + He lived among a working clan + (A wife he hadn't got at all), + A decent, steady, sober man-- + No saint, however--not at all. + + He smoked, but in a modest way, + Because he thought he needed it; + He drank a pot of beer a day, + And sometimes he exceeded it. + + At times he'd pass with other men + A loud convivial night or two, + With, very likely, now and then, + On Saturdays, a fight or two. + + But still he was a sober soul, + A labor-never-shirking man, + Who paid his way--upon the whole + A decent English working man. + + One day, when at the Nelson's Head, + (For which he may be blamed of you) + A holy man appeared and said, + "Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you." + + He laid his hand on Robert's beer + Before he could drink up any, + And on the floor, with sigh and tear, + He poured the pot of "thruppenny." + + "Oh, Robert, at this very bar, + A truth you'll be discovering, + A good and evil genius are + Around your noddle hovering. + + "They both are here to bid you shun + The other one's society, + For Total Abstinence is one, + The other Inebriety." + + He waved his hand--a vapor came-- + A wizard, Polter reckoned him: + A bogy rose and called his name, + And with his finger beckoned him. + + The monster's salient points to sum, + His heavy breath was portery; + His glowing nose suggested rum; + His eyes were gin-and-wortery. + + His dress was torn--for dregs of ale + And slops of gin had rusted it; + His pimpled face was wan and pale, + Where filth had not encrusted it. + + "Come, Polter," said the fiend, "begin, + And keep the bowl a-flowing on-- + A working-man needs pints of gin + To keep his clockwork going on." + + Bob shuddered: "Ah, you've made a miss, + If you take me for one of you-- + You filthy beast, get out of this-- + Bob Polter don't want none of you." + + The demon gave a drunken shriek + And crept away in stealthiness, + And lo, instead, a person sleek + Who seemed to burst with healthiness. + + "In me, as your advisor hints, + Of Abstinence you have got a type-- + Of Mr. Tweedle's pretty prints + I am the happy prototype. + + "If you abjure the social toast, + And pipes, and such frivolities, + You possibly some day may boast + My prepossessing qualities!" + + Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, + "You almost make me tremble, you! + If I abjure fermented drink, + Shall I, indeed, resemble you? + + "And will my whiskers curl so tight? + My cheeks grow smug and muttony? + My face become so red and white? + My coat so blue and buttony? + + "Will trousers, such as yours, array + Extremities inferior? + Will chubbiness assert its sway + All over my exterior? + + "In this, my unenlightened state, + To work in heavy boots I comes, + Will pumps henceforward decorate + My tiddle toddle tootsicums? + + "And shall I get so plump and fresh, + And look no longer seedily? + My skin will henceforth fit my flesh + So tightly and so Tweedie-ly?" + + The phantom said, "You'll have all this, + You'll know no kind of huffiness, + Your life will be one chubby bliss, + One long unruffled puffiness!" + + "Be off!" said irritated Bob. + "Why come you here to bother one? + You pharisaical old snob, + You're wuss almost than t'other one! + + "I takes my pipe--I takes my pot, + And drunk I'm never seen to be: + I'm no teetotaller or sot, + And as I am I mean to be!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +GENTLE ALICE BROWN. + + + It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown; + Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; + Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; + But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing. + + As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, + A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way; + She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, + That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!" + + And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen, + She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, + A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road + (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode). + + But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise + To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; + So she sought the village priest, to whom her family confessed, + The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed. + + "Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not? + To discover that I was a most disreputable lot! + Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!" + The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?" + + "I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, + I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad, + I've planned a little burglary and forged a little check, + And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!" + + The worthy pastor heaved a sigh and dropped a silent tear-- + And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-- + It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece: + But sins like that one expiates at half-a-crown apiece. + + "Girls will be girls--you're very young, and flighty in your mind; + Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find; + We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks-- + Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six." + + "Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, + You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-- + Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; + But, O, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!" + + "A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes, + I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies: + He passes by it every day as certain as can be-- + I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!" + + "For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word + This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. + Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand + To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band! + + "This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so! + They are the most remunerative customers I know; + For many years they've kept starvation from my doors, + I never knew so criminal a family as yours! + + "The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood + Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; + And if you marry any one respectable at all, + Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?" + + The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, + And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown; + To tell him how his daughter, who now was for marriage fit, + Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. + + Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well, + He said "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; + I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, + And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. + + "I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two, + Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do-- + A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall + When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small." + + He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; + He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware; + He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, + And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed. + + And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, + She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, + Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand + On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band. + + + + + +BEN ALLAH ACHMET; + +OR, THE FATAL TUM. + + + I once did know a Turkish man + Whom I upon a two-pair-back met, + His name it was Effendi Khan + Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet. + + A Doctor Brown I also knew-- + I've often eaten of his bounty-- + The Turk and he they lived at Hooe, + In Sussex, that delightful county. + + I knew a nice young lady there, + Her name was Isabella Sherson, + And though she wore another's hair, + She was an interesting person. + + The Turk adored the maid of Hooe + (Although his harem would have shocked her); + But Brown adored that maiden, too: + He was a most seductive doctor. + + They'd follow her where'er she'd go-- + A course of action most improper; + She neither knew by sight, and so + For neither of them cared a copper. + + Brown did not know that Turkish male, + He might have been his sainted mother: + The people in this simple tale + Are total strangers to each other. + + One day that Turk he sickened sore + Which threw him straight into a sharp pet; + He threw himself upon the floor + And rolled about upon his--carpet. + + It made him moan--it made him groan + And almost wore him to a mummy: + Why should I hesitate to own + That pain was in his little tummy? + + At length a Doctor came and rung + (As Allah Achmet had desired) + Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue, + And hummed and hawed, and then inquired: + + "Where is the pain, that long has preyed + Upon you in so sad a way, sir?" + The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said, + "I don't exactly like to say, sir." + + "Come, nonsense!" said good Doctor Brown, + "So this is Turkish coyness, is it? + You must contrive to fight it down-- + Come, come, sir, please to be explicit." + + The Turk he shyly bit his thumb, + And coyly blushed like one half-witted, + "The pain is in my little tum," + He, whispering, at length admitted. + + "Then take you this, and take you that-- + Your blood flows sluggish in its channel-- + You must get rid of all this fat, + And wear my medicated flannel. + + "You'll send for me, when you're in need-- + My name is Brown--your life I've saved it!" + "My rival!" shrieked the invalid, + And drew a mighty sword and waved it. + + "This to thy weazand, Christian pest!" + Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it, + And drove right through the Doctor's chest + The sabre and the hand that held it. + + The blow was a decisive one, + And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty-- + "Now see the mischief that you've done,-- + You Turks are so extremely hasty. + + "There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe, + _He's_ short and stout--_I'm_ tall and wizen; + You've been and run the wrong one through, + That's how the error has arisen." + + The accident was thus explained, + Apologies were only heard now: + "At my mistake I'm really pained, + I am, indeed, upon my word now." + + "With me, sir, you shall be interred, + A Mausoleum grand awaits me"-- + "Oh, pray don't say another word, + I'm sure that more than compensates me. + + "But, p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?" + "There's room," said he, "for any number." + And so they laid them down and died. + In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber. + + + + + +SONGS OF A SAVOYARD + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ENGLISHMAN. + + + He is an Englishman! + For he himself has said it, + And it's greatly to his credit, + That he is an Englishman! + For he might have been a Roosian, + A French, or Turk, or Proosian, + Or perhaps Itali-an! + But in spite of all temptations, + To belong to other nations, + He remains an Englishman! + Hurrah! + For the true born Englishman! + + + + + +THE DISAGREEABLE MAN. + + + If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: + I'm a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham. + Each little fault of temper and each social defect + In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct. + To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes + And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; + I love my fellow creatures--I do all the good I can-- + Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; + And vanity I always do my best to mortify; + A charitable action I can skilfully dissect: + And interested motives I'm delighted to detect. + I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, + And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns; + But to benefit humanity, however much I plan, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be; + You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; + I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer; + I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer; + To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; + I can tell a woman's age in half a minute--and I do-- + But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + + + + +THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL. + + + I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral. + I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral; + I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, + From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; + I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, + I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, + About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, + With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. + I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, + I know the scientific names of beings animalculous, + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + I know our mythic history--King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's, + I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox, + I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, + In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. + I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, + I know the croaking chorus from the "Frogs" of Aristophanes, + Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, + And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore." + Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, + And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform. + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + In fact when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin," + When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin, + When such affairs as _sorties_ and surprises I'm more wary at, + And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, + When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery, + When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, + In short when I've a smattering of elementary strategy, + You'll say a better Major-Gener_al_ has never _sat_ a gee-- + For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, + Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century, + But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + + + + +THE HEAVY DRAGOON. + + + If you want a receipt for that popular mystery + Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, + Take all the remarkable people in history, + Rattle them off to a popular tune! + The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the _Victory_-- + Genius of Bismarck devising a plan; + The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- + Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- + The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico-- + Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- + The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- + Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- + The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery-- + Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray + Victor Emmanuel--peak-haunting Peveril-- + Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- + Tupper and Tennyson--Daniel Defoe-- + Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon, + Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- + The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon-- + Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban-- + A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- + Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- + The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- + Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- + The genius strategic of Cęsar or Hannibal-- + Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal + Flavor of Hamlet--the Stranger, a touch of him-- + Little of Manfred, (but not very much of him)-- + Beadle of Burlington--Richardson's show; + Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + + + + +ONLY ROSES! + + + To a garden full of posies + Cometh one to gather flowers, + And he wanders through its bowers + Toying with the wanton roses, + Who, uprising from their beds, + Hold on high their shameless heads + With their pretty lips a-pouting, + Never doubting--never doubting + That for Cytherean posies + He would gather aught but roses! + + In a nest of weeds and nettles, + Lay a violet, half hidden, + Hoping that his glance unbidden + Yet might fall upon her petals, + Though she lived alone, apart, + Hope lay nestling at her heart, + But, alas! the cruel awaking + Set her little heart a-breaking, + For he gathered for his posies + Only roses--only roses! + + + + + +THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED. + + + As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, + I've got a little list--I've got a little list + Of social offenders who might well be underground, + And who never would be missed--who never would be missed! + There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- + All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- + All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat-- + All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like _that_-- + And all third persons who on spoiling _tete-a-tetes_ insist-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, + And the piano organist--I've got him on the list! + And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, + They never would be missed--they never would be missed! + Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, + All centuries but this, and every country but his own; + And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, + And who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try; + And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- + I don't think she'd be missed--I'm _sure_ she'd not be missed! + + And that _Nisi Prius_ nuisance, who just now is rather rife, + The Judicial humorist--I've got _him_ on the list! + All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of them be missed. + And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, + Such as--What-d'ye-call-him--Thing'em-Bob, and likewise--Never-mind, + And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also--You-know-who-- + (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to _you_!) + But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, + For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE POLICEMAN'S LOT. + + + When a felon's not engaged in his employment + Or maturing his felonious little plans. + His capacity for innocent enjoyment, + Is just as great as any honest man's + Our feelings we with difficulty smother + When constabulary duty's to be done: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + A policeman's lot is not a happy one! + + When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, + When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, + He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, + And listen to the merry village chime. + When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, + He loves to lie a-basking in the sun: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + The policeman's lot is not a happy one! + +[Illustration] + + + + +AN APPEAL. + + + Oh, is there not one maiden breast + Which does not feel the moral beauty + Of making worldly interest + Subordinate to sense of duly? + Who would not give up willingly + All matrimonial ambition, + To rescue such a one as I + From his unfortunate position? + + Oh, is there not one maiden here, + Whose homely face and bad complexion + Have caused all hopes to disappear + Of ever winning man's affection? + To such a one, if such there be, + I swear by Heaven's arch above you, + If you will cast your eyes on me,-- + However plain you be--I'll love you! + + + + + +EHEU FUGACES--! + + + The air is charged with amatory numbers-- + Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. + Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers + The aching memory of the old, old days? + + Time was when Love and I were well acquainted. + Time was when we walked ever hand in hand; + A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted, + None better-loved than I in all the land! + Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, + Forsaking even military men, + Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration-- + Ah, me, I was a fair young curate then! + + Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled; + Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear; + Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled; + And when I coughed all thought the end was near! + I, had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me-- + For I was loved beyond all other men. + Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me! + Ah, me! I was a pale young curate then! + + + + + +A RECIPE. + + + Take a pair of sparkling eyes, + Hidden, ever and anon, + In a merciful eclipse-- + Do not heed their mild surprise-- + Having passed the Rubicon. + Take a pair of rosy lips; + Take a figure trimly planned-- + Such as admiration whets + (Be particular in this); + Take a tender little hand, + Fringed with dainty fingerettes, + Press it--in parenthesis;-- + Take all these, you lucky man-- + Take and keep them, if you can. + + Take a pretty little cot-- + Quite a miniature affair-- + Hung about with trellised vine, + Furnish it upon the spot + With the treasures rich and rare + I've endeavored to define. + Live to love and love to live + You will ripen at your ease, + Growing on the sunny side-- + Fate has nothing more to give. + You're a dainty man to please + If you are not satisfied. + Take my counsel, happy man: + Act upon it, if you can! + + + + + +THE FIRST LORD'S SONG. + + + When I was a lad I served a term + As office boy to an Attorney's firm. + I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, + And I polished up the handle of the big front door. + I polished up that handle so successfullee + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + As office boy I made such a mark + That they gave me the post of a junior clerk. + I served the writs with a smile so bland, + And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. + I copied all the letters in a hand so free, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + In serving writs I made such a name + That an articled clerk I soon became; + I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit + For the Pass Examination at the Institute. + And that Pass Examination did so well for me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip + That they took me into the partnership. + And that junior partnership, I ween, + Was the only ship that I ever had seen, + But that kind of ship so suited me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + I grew so rich that I was sent + By a pocket borough into Parliament. + I always voted at my party's call, + And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. + I thought so little, they rewarded me, + By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be, + If you want to rise to the top of the tree, + If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, + Be careful to be guided by this golden rule-- + Stick close to your desks and _never go to sea_, + And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee! + + + + + +WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES. + + + When a merry maiden marries, + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right and nothing's wrong! + From to-day and ever after + Let your tears be tears of laughter-- + Every sigh that finds a vent + Be a sigh of sweet content! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with love is laden; + Every flower is a rose, + Every goose becomes a swan, + Every kind of trouble goes + Where the last year's snows have gone! + Sunlight takes the place of shade + When you marry merry maid! + + When a merry maiden marries + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right, and nothing's wrong. + Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow, + Get ye gone until to-morrow; + Jealousies in grim array, + Ye are things of yesterday! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with joy is laden; + All the corners of the earth + Ring with music sweetly played, + Worry is melodious mirth. + Grief is joy in masquerade; + Sullen night is laughing day-- + All the year is merry May! + + + + + +THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE. + + + On a tree by the river a little tomtit + Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit + Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow?' + Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, + "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" + With a shake of his poor little head he replied, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, + Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, + Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! + He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, + Then he threw himself into the billowy wave, + And an echo arose from the suicide's grave-- + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name + Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, + That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And if you remain callous and obdurate, I + Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, + Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + + + + +HE AND SHE. + + + HE. + I know a youth who loves a little maid-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid-- + (Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + I know a maid who loves a gallant youth, + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + HE. + He cannot eat and he cannot sleep-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Daily he goes for to wail--for to weep-- + (Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + She's very thin and she's very pale-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + Daily she goes for to weep--for to wail-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should offer her my name-- + (Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame-- + (Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way-- + (For I really do believe that timid youth will die'!) + + BOTH. + I thank you much for your counsel true; + I've learnt what that poor soul ought to do! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG. + + + The law is the true embodiment + Of everything that's excellent. + It has no kind of fault or flaw, + And I, my lords, embody the Law. + The constitutional guardian I + Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, + All very agreeable girls--and none + Are over the age of twenty-one. + A pleasant occupation for + A rather susceptible Chancellor! + + But though the compliment implied + Inflates me with legitimate pride, + It nevertheless can't be denied + That it has its inconvenient side. + For I'm not so old, and not so plain, + And I'm quite prepared to marry again, + But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords + If I fell in love with one of my Wards: + Which rather tries my temper, for + I'm _such_ a susceptible Chancellor! + + And everyone who'd marry a Ward + Must come to me for my accord: + So in my court I sit all day, + Giving agreeable girls away, + With one for him--and one for he-- + And one for you--and one for ye-- + And one for thou--and one for thee-- + But never, oh never a one for me! + Which is exasperating, for + A highly susceptible Chancellor! + + + + + +WILLOW WALY! + + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden--prithee, tell me true + (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you? + Hey, willow waly O! + I fain would discover + If you have a lover? + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free-- + (Hey but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Nobody I care for comes a-courting me-- + Hey, willow waly O! + Nobody I care for + Comes a-courting--therefore, + Hey, willow waly O! + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me? + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee + Hey, willow waly O! + Money, I despise it, + But many people prize it, + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, although to marry I design-- + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. + Hey, willow waly O! + To other maidens go you-- + As yet I do not know you, + Hey, willow waly O! + + + + + +THE USHER'S CHARGE. + + + Now, Jurymen, hear my advice-- + All kinds of vulgar prejudice + I pray you set aside: + With stern judicial frame of mind, + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case: + Observe the features of her face-- + The broken-hearted bride! + Condole with her distress of mind: + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + And when amid the plaintiff's shrieks, + The ruffianly defendant speaks-- + Upon the other side; + What _he_ may say you needn't mind-- + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + + + + +KING GOODHEART. + + + There lived a King, as I've been told, + In the wonder-working days of old, + When hearts were twice as good as gold, + And twenty times as mellow. + Good temper triumphed in his face, + And in his heart he found a place + For all the erring human race + And every wretched fellow. + When he had Rhenish wine to drink + It made him very sad to think + That some, at junket or at jink, + Must be content with toddy. + He wished all men as rich as he + (And he was rich as rich could be), + So to the top of every tree + Promoted everybody. + + Ambassadors cropped up like hay, + Prime Ministers and such as they + Grew like asparagus in May, + And Dukes were three a penny. + Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats. + And Bishops in their shovel hats + Were plentiful as tabby cats-- + If possible, too many. + On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, + Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed + With Admirals the ocean teemed + All round his wide dominions; + And Party Leaders you might meet + In twos and threes in every street + Maintaining, with no little heat, + Their various opinions. + + That King, although no one denies + His heart was of abnormal size, + Yet he'd have acted otherwise + If he had been acuter. + The end is easily foretold, + When every blessed thing you hold + Is made of silver, or of gold, + You long for simple pewter. + When you have nothing else to wear + But cloth of gold and satins rare, + For cloth of gold you cease to care-- + Up goes the price of shoddy. + In short, whoever you may be, + To this conclusion you'll agree, + When every one is somebodee, + Then no one's anybody! + + + + + +THE TANGLED SKEIN. + + + Try we life long, we can never + Straighten out life's tangled skein, + Why should we, in vain endeavor, + Guess and guess and guess again? + Life's a pudding full of plums; + Care's a canker that benumbs. + Wherefore waste our elocution + On impossible solution? + Life's a pleasant institution, + Let us take it as it comes! + + Set aside the dull enigma, + We shall guess it all too soon; + Failure brings no kind of stigma-- + Dance we to another tune! + String the lyre and fill the cup, + Lest on sorrow we should sup. + Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, + Hands across and down the middle-- + Life's perhaps the only riddle + That we shrink from giving up! + + + + + +GIRL GRADUATES. + + + They intend to send a wire + To the moon; + And they'll set the Thames on fire + Very soon; + Then they learn to make silk purses + With their rigs + From the ears of Lady Circe's + Piggy-wigs. + And weazels at their slumbers + They'll trepan; + To get sunbeams from cu_cum_bers + They've a plan. + They've a firmly rooted notion + They can cross the Polar Ocean, + And they'll find Perpetual Motion + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + As for fashion, they forswear it, + So they say, + And the circle--they will square it + Some fine day; + Then the little pigs they're teaching + For to fly; + And the niggers they'll be bleaching + Bye and bye! + Each newly joined aspirant + To the clan + Must repudiate the tyrant + Known as Man; + They mock at him and flout him, + For they do not care about him, + And they're "going to do without him" + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + + + + +THE APE AND THE LADY. + + + A lady fair, of lineage high, + Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by-- + The Maid was radiant as the sun, + The Ape was a most unsightly one-- + So it would not do-- + His scheme fell through; + For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, + Expressed such terror + At his monstrous error, + That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, + The picture of a disconcerted Ape. + + With a view to rise in the social scale, + He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, + He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, + And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. + But it would not do, + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen + With golden tresses, + Like a real princess's, + While the Ape, despite his razor keen, + Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! + + He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, + He crammed his feet into bright tight boots, + And to start his life on a brand-new plan, + He christened himself Darwinian Man! + But it would not do. + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, + Was a radiant Being, + With a brain far-seeing-- + While a Man, however well-behaved, + At best is only a monkey shaved! + + + + + +SANS SOUCI + + + I cannot tell what this love may be + That cometh to all but not to me. + It cannot be kind as they'd imply, + Or why do these gentle ladies sigh? + It cannot be joy and rapture deep, + Or why do these gentle ladies weep? + It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said, + Or why are their eyes so wondrous red? + + If love is a thorn, they show no wit + Who foolishly hug and foster it. + If love is a weed, how simple they + Who gather and gather it, day by day! + If love is a nettle that makes you smart, + Why do you wear it next your heart? + And if it be neither of these, say I, + Why do you sit and sob and sigh? + + + + + +THE BRITISH TAR. + + + A British tar is a soaring soul, + As free as a mountain bird, + His energetic fist should be ready to resist + A dictatorial word + His nose should pant and his lips should curl, + His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, + His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, + And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow. + + His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, + His brow with scorn be rung; + He never should bow down to a domineering frown, + Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. + His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, + His hair should twirl and his face should scowl: + His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, + And this should be his customary attitude! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE COMING BYE AND BYE. + + + Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, + Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; + As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, + Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" + Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings, + To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well saved "combings"-- + Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey, + To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! + + Silvered is the raven hair, + Spreading is the parting straight, + Mottled the complexion fair, + Halting is the youthful gait. + Hollow is the laughter free, + Spectacled the limpid eye, + Little will be left of me, + In the coming bye and bye! + + Fading is the taper waist-- + Shapeless grows the shapely limb, + And although securely laced, + Spreading is the figure trim! + Stouter than I used to be, + Still more corpulent grow I-- + There will be too much of me + In the coming bye and bye! + + + + + +THE SORCERER'S SONG. + + + Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells-- + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses, + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"-- + If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax-- + You've but to look in + On our resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe. + + We've a first class assortment of magic; + And for raising a posthumous shade + With effects that are comic or tragic, + There's no cheaper house in the trade. + Love-philtre--we've quantities of it; + And for knowledge if any one burns, + We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet + Who brings us unbounded returns: + For he can prophesy + With a wink _of_ his eye, + Peep with security + Into futurity, + Sum up your history, + Clear up a mystery, + Humor proclivity + For a nativity. + With mirrors so magical, + Tetrapods tragical, + Bogies spectacular, + Answers oracular, + Facts astronomical, + Solemn or comical, + And, if you want it, he + Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! + Oh! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + He can raise you hosts + Of ghosts, + And that without reflectors; + And creepy things + With wings, + And gaunt and grisly spectres! + He can fill you crowds + Of shrouds, + And horrify you vastly; + He can rack your brains + With chains, + And gibberings grim and ghastly. + Then, if you plan it, he + Changes organity, + With an urbanity, + Full of Satanity, + Vexes humanity + With an inanity + Fatal to vanity-- + Driving your foes to the verge of insanity! + Barring tautology, + In demonology, + 'Lectro biology, + Mystic nosology, + Spirit philology, + High class astrology, + Such is his knowledge, he + Isn't the man to require an apology! + Oh! + My name is John Wellington Wells, + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + + + + +SPECULATION. + + + Comes a train of little ladies + From scholastic trammels free, + Each a little bit afraid is, + Wondering what the world can be! + + Is it but a world of trouble-- + Sadness set to song? + Is its beauty but a bubble + Bound to break ere long? + + Are its palaces and pleasures + Fantasies that fade? + And the glories of its treasures + Shadow of a shade? + + Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, + From scholastic trammels free, + And we wonder--how we wonder!-- + What on earth the world can be! + + + + + +THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. + + + In enterprise of martial kind, + When there was any fighting, + He led his regiment from behind, + He found it less exciting. + But when away his regiment ran, + His place was at the fore, O-- + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha! + You always found that knight, ha, ha! + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When, to evade Destruction's hand, + To hide they all proceeded, + No soldier in that gallant band + Hid half as well as he did. + He lay concealed throughout the war, + And so preserved his gore, O! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In every doughty deed, ha ha! + He always took the lead, ha ha! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When told that they would all be shot + Unless they left the service, + The hero hesitated not, + So marvellous his nerve is. + He sent his resignation in, + The first of all his corps, O! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + To men of grosser clay, ha, ha! + He always showed the way, ha, ha! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + + + + +THE REWARD OF MERIT. + + + Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age: + His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage; + His poems held a noble rank, although it's very true + That, being very proper, they were read by very few. + He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line," + And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his shrine; + But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high-- + The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy-- + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone, + A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own; + For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool, + And my highly gifted friend was no exception to the rule. + His poems--people read them in the Quarterly Reviews-- + His pictures--they engraved them in the _Illustrated News_-- + His inventions--they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees, + But all his little income went in Patent Office fees; + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + At last the point was given up in absolute despair, + When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire, + With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse, + And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House! + _Then_ it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards + Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords! + And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can, + As this very great--this very good--this very gifted man? + (Though I'm more than half afraid + That it sometimes may be said + That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride, + However great his merits--if his cousin hadn't died!) + + + + + +WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON. + + + When I first put this uniform on, + I said as I looked in the glass. + "It's one to a million + That any civilian + My figure and form will surpass. + Gold lace has a charm for the fair, + And I've plenty of that, and to spare, + While a lover's professions, + When uttered in Hessians, + Are eloquent everywhere! + A fact that I counted upon, + When I first put this uniform on!" + + I said, when I first put it on, + "It is plain to the veriest dunce + That every beauty + Will feel it her duty + To yield to its glamor at once. + They will see that I'm freely gold-laced + In a uniform handsome and chaste-- + But the peripatetics + Of long-haired ęsthetics, + Are very much more to their taste-- + Which I never counted upon + When I first put this uniform on!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I. + + + When I went to the Bar as a very young man, + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll work on a new and original plan + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief + Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, + Because his attorney has sent me a brief + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force + In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, + Have perjured themselves as a matter of course + (Said I to myself--said I). + + Ere I go into court I will read my brief through + (Said I to myself--said I), + And I'll never take work I'm unable to do + (Said I to myself--said I). + My learned profession I'll never disgrace + By taking a fee with a grin on my face, + When I haven't been there to attend to the case + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + In other professions in which men engage + (Said I to myself--said I), + The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage + (Said I to myself--said I), + Professional license, if carried too far, + Your chance of promotion will certainly mar + And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + + + + +THE FAMILY FOOL. + + + Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, + If you listen to popular rumor; + From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, + And he bubbles with wit and good-humor! + He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse; + Yet though people forgive his transgression, + There are one or two rules that all Family Fools + Must observe, if they love their profession. + There are one or two rules + Half a dozen, maybe, + That all family fools, + Of whatever degree, + Must observe, if they love their profession. + + If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need + To consider each person auricular: + What is all right for B would quite scandalize C + (For C is so very particular); + And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull + Is as empty of brains as a ladle; + While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, + That he's known your best joke from his cradle! + When your humor they flout, + You can't let yourself go; + And it _does_ put you out + When a person says, "Oh! + I have known that old joke from my cradle!" + + If your master is surly, from getting up early + (And tempers are short in the morning), + An inopportune joke is enough to provoke + Him to give you, at once, a month's warning + Then if you refrain, he is at you again, + For he likes to get value for money. + He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + It adds to the task + Of a merryman's place, + When your principal asks, + With a scowl on his face, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + + Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- + Oh, beware of his anger provoking! + Better not pull his hair--don't stick pins in his chair; + He don't understand practical joking. + If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, + You may get a bland smile from these sages; + But should it, by chance, be imported from France, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages! + It's a general rule, + Though your zeal it may quench, + If the Family Fool + Makes a joke that's _too_ French, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! + + Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, + And your senses with toothache you're losing, + Don't be mopy and flat--they don't fine you for that, + If you're properly quaint and amusing! + Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, + And took with her your trifle of money; + Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- + They don't blame you--as long as you're funny! + It's a comfort to feel + If your partner should flit, + Though _you_ suffer a deal, + _They_ don't mind it a bit-- + They don't blame you--so long as you're funny! + + + + + +THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL. + + + I've wisdom from the East and from the West, + That's subject to no academic rule: + You may find it in the jeering of a jest, + Or distil it from the folly of a fool. + I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind! + I can trick you into learning with a laugh; + Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find + A grain or two of truth among the chaff! + + I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, + The upstart I can wither with a whim; + He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, + But his laughter has an echo that is grim. + When they're offered to the world in merry guise, + Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will-- + For he who'd make his fellow creatures wise + Should always gild the philosophic pill! + + + + + +THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY. + + + When all night long a chap remains + On sentry-go, to chase monotony + He exercises of his brains, + That is, assuming that he's got any, + Though never nurtured in the lap + Of luxury, yet I admonish you, + I am an intellectual chap, + And think of things that would astonish you. + I often think it's comical + How Nature always does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + When in that house M.P.'s divide, + If they've a brain and cerebellum, too. + They're got to leave that brain outside. + And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. + But then the prospect of a lot + Of statesmen, all in close proximity. + A-thinking for themselves, is what + No man can face with equanimity. + Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal + That Nature wisely does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive, + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + + + + +SORRY HER LOT. + + + Sorry her lot who loves too well, + Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, + Had are the sighs that own the spell + Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + Sad is the hour when sets the Sun-- + Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters + When to the ark the wearied one + Flies from the empty waste of waters! + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + + + + +THE JUDGE'S SONG. + + + When I, good friends, was called to the Bar, + I'd an appetite fresh and hearty, + But I was, as many young barristers are, + An impecunious party. + I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- + A brief which I bought of a booby-- + A couple of shirts and a collar or two, + And a ring that looked like a ruby! + + In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, + Like a semi-despondent fury; + For I thought I should never hit on a chance + Of addressing a British Jury-- + But I soon got tired of third class journeys, + And dinners of bread and water; + So I fell in love with a rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + + The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, + And replied to my fond professions: + "You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, + At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. + You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, + "And a very nice girl you'll find her-- + She may very well pass for forty-three + In the dusk, with a light behind her!" + + The rich attorney was as good as his word: + The briefs came trooping gaily, + And every day my voice was heard + At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. + All thieves who could my fees afford + Relied on my orations, + And many a burglar I've restored + To his friends and his relations. + + At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- + An incubus then I thought her, + So I threw over that rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + The rich attorney my character high + Tried vainly to disparage-- + And now, if you please, I'm ready to try + This Breach of Promise of Marriage! + + + + + +TRUE DIFFIDENCE. + + + My boy, you may take it from me, + That of all the afflictions accurst + With which a man's saddled + And hampered and addled, + A diffident nature's the worst. + Though clever as clever can be-- + A Crichton of early romance-- + You must stir it and stump it, + And blow your own trumpet, + Or, trust me, you haven't a chance. + + Now take, for example, _my_ case: + I've a bright intellectual brain-- + In all London city + There's no one so witty-- + I've thought so again and again. + I've a highly intelligent face-- + My features cannot be denied-- + But, whatever I try, sir, + I fail in--and why, sir? + I'm modesty personified! + + As a poet, I'm tender and quaint-- + I've passion and fervor and grace-- + From Ovid and Horace + To Swinburne and Morris, + They all of them take a back place, + Then I sing and I play and I paint; + Though none are accomplished as I, + To say so were treason: + You ask me the reason? + I'm diffident, modest and shy! + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER. + + + I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, + And left him, gaily prattling + With a highly respectable Gondolier, + Who promised the Royal babe to rear, + And teach him the trade of a timoneer + With his own beloved bratling. + + Both of the babes were strong and stout, + And, considering all things, clever. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + Time sped, and when at the end of a year + I sought that infant cherished, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Was lying a corpse on his humble bier-- + I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-- + That Gondolier had perished. + + A taste for drink, combined with gout, + Had doubled him up for ever. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, + To his terrible taste for tippling, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Could never declare with a mind sincere + Which of the two was his offspring dear, + And which the Royal stripling! + + Which was which he could never make out, + Despite his best endeavour. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + The children followed his old career-- + (This statement can't be parried) + Of a highly respectable Gondolier: + Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- + But _which_ of the two is not quite clear-- + Is the Royal Prince you married! + + Search in and out and round about + And you'll discover never + A tale so free from every doubt-- + All probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + All possible doubt whatever! + + + + + +DON'T FORGET. + + + Now, Marco dear, + My wishes hear: + While you're away + It's understood + You will be good, + And not too gay. + To every trace + Of maiden grace + You will be blind, + And will not glance + By any chance + On womankind! + If you are wise, + You'll shut your eyes + 'Till we arrive, + And not address + A lady less + Than forty-five; + You'll please to frown + On every gown + That you may see; + And O, my pet, + You won't forget + You've married me! + + O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + You'll lay your head + Upon your bed + At set of sun. + You will not sing + Of anything + To any one: + You'll sit and mope + All day, I hope, + And shed a tear + Upon the life + Your little wife + Is passing here! + And if so be + You think of me, + Please tell the moon: + I'll read it all + In rays that fall + On the lagoon: + You'll be so kind + As tell the wind + How you may be, + And send me words + By little birds + To comfort me! + + And O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + + + + +THE DARNED MOUNSEER. + + + I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, + And, off Cape Finistere, + A merchantman we see, + A Frenchman, going free, + So we made for the bold Mounseer. + D'ye see? + We made for the bold Mounseer! + But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her ports, + And fires with a thirty-two! + It come uncommon near, + But we answered with a cheer, + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo! + + Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, + "That chap we need not fear,-- + We can take her, if we like, + She is sartin for to strike, + For she's only a darned Mounseer, + D'ye see? + She's only a darned Mounseer! + But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a gal-- + It's a lubberly thing for to do; + For we, with all our faults, + Why, we're sturdy British salts, + While she's but a Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + A miserable Parley-voo!" + + So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, + As we gives a compassionating cheer; + Froggee answers with a shout + As he sees us go about, + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, + D'ye see? + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! + And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek + (Which is what them, furriners do), + And they blessed their lucky stars? + We were hardy British tars + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! + + + + + +THE HUMANE MIKADO. + + + A more humane Mikado never + Did in Japan exist, + To nobody second, + I'm certainly reckoned + A true philanthropist, + It is my very humane endeavor + To make, to some extent, + Each evil liver + A running river + Of harmless merriment. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + All prosy dull society sinners, + Who chatter and bleat and bore, + Are sent to hear sermons + From mystical Germans + Who preach from ten to four, + The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies + All desire to shirk, + Shall, during off hours, + Exhibit his powers + To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. + The lady who dyes a chemical yellow, + Or stains her grey hair puce, + Or pinches her figger, + Is blacked like a nigger + With permanent walnut juice. + The idiot who, in railway carriages, + Scribbles on window panes, + We only suffer + To ride on a buffer + In Parliamentary trains. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + The advertising quack who wearier + With tales of countless cures. + His teeth, I've enacted, + Shall all be extracted + By terrified amateurs. + The music hall singer attends a series + Of masses and fugues and "ops" + By Bach, interwoven + With Sophr and Beethoven, + At classical Monday Pops. + The billiard sharp whom any one catches, + His doom's extremely hard-- + He's made to dwell + In a dungeon cell + On a spot that's always barred. + And there he plays extravagant matches + In fitless finger-stalls, + On a cloth untrue + With a twisted cue, + And elliptical billiard balls! + + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + + + + +THE HOUSE OF PEERS. + + + When Britain really ruled the waves-- + (In good Queen Bess's time) + The House of Peers made no pretence + To intellectual eminence, + Or scholarship sublime; + Yet Britain won her proudest bays + In good Queen Bess's glorious days! + + When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, + As every child can tell, + The House of Peers, throughout the war, + Did nothing in particular, + And did it very well; + Yet Britain set the world a-blaze + In good King George's glorious days! + + And while the House of Peers withholds + Its legislative hand. + And noble statesmen do not itch + To interfere with matters which + They do not understand, + As bright will shine Great Britain's rays, + As in King George's glorious days! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ĘSTHETE. + + + If you're anxious for to shine in the high ęsthetic line, + as a man of culture rare, + You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, + and plant them everywhere. + You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your + complicated state of mind, + The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter + of a transcendental kind. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for _me_, + Why, what a very singularly deep young man + this deep young man must be!" + + Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have + long since passed away, + And convince 'em if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was + Culture's palmiest day. + Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and + declare it's crude and mean, + And that art stopped short in the cultivated court + of the Empress Josephine, + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for _me_, + Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth + this kind of youth must be!" + + Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must + excite your languid spleen, + An attachment _a la_ Plato for a bashful young potato, + or a not-too-French French bean. + Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle + in the high ęsthetic band, + If you walk down Picadilly with a poppy or a lily in your medięval hand. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your flowery way, + "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not + suit _me_, + Why, what a most particularly pure young man + this pure young man must be!" + + + + + +PROPER PRIDE. + + + The Sun, whose rays + Are all ablaze + With ever living glory, + Does not deny + His majesty-- + He scorns to tell a story! + He don't exclaim + "I blush for shame, + So kindly be indulgent," + But, fierce and bold, + In fiery gold, + He glories all effulgent! + + I mean to rule the earth. + As he the sky-- + We really know our worth, + The Sun and I! + + Observe his flame, + That placid dame, + The Moon's Celestial Highness; + There's not a trace + Upon her face + Of diffidence or shyness: + She borrows light + That, through the night, + Mankind may all acclaim her! + And, truth to tell, + She lights up well, + So I, for one, don't blame her! + + Ah, pray make no mistake, + We are not shy; + We're very wide awake, + The Moon and I! + + + + + +THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER. + + + Whene'er I poke + Sarcastic joke + Replete with malice spiteful, + The people vile + Politely smile + And vote me quite delightful! + Now, when a wight + Sits up all night + Ill-natured jokes devising, + And all his wiles + Are met with smiles, + It's hard, there's no disguising! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + When German bands + From music stands + Play Wagner imper_fect_ly-- + I bid them go-- + They don't say no, + But off they trot directly! + The organ boys + They stop their noise + With readiness surprising, + And grinning herds + Of hurdy-gurds + Retire apologizing! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + I've offered gold, + In sums untold, + To all who'd contradict me-- + I've said I'd pay + A pound a day + To any one who kicked me-- + I've bribed with toys + Great vulgar boys + To utter something spiteful, + But, bless you, no! + They _will_ be so + Confoundedly politeful! + In short, these aggravating lads + They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, + They give me this and they give me that, + And I've nothing whatever to grumble at! + + + + + +THE WORKING MONARCH. + + + Rising early in the morning, + We proceed to light our fire; + Then our Majesty adorning + In its work-a-day attire, + We embark without delay + On the duties of the day. + + First, we polish off some batches + Of political dispatches, + And foreign politicians circumvent; + Then, if business isn't heavy, + We may hold a Royal levee, + Or ratify some acts of Parliament; + Then we probably review the household troops-- + With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!" + Or receive with ceremonial and state + An interesting Eastern Potentate, + After that we generally + Go and dress our private valet-- + (It's rather a nervous duty--he's a touchy little man) + Write some letters literary + For our private secretary-- + He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can. + Then, in view of cravings inner, + We go down and order dinner; + Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate-- + Spend an hour in titivating + All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting; + Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King; + Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great; + But the privilege and pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State! + + After luncheon (making merry + On a bun and glass of sherry), + If we've nothing particular to do, + We may make a Proclamation, + Or receive a Deputation-- + Then we possibly create a Peer or two. + Then we help a fellow creature on his path + With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath: + Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State + To a festival, a function, or a _fete_. + Then we go and stand as sentry + At the Palace (private entry), + Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro, + While the warrior on duty + Goes in search of beer and beauty + (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). + He relieves us, if he's able, + Just in time to lay the table, + Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one, + With a pleasure that's emphatic, + We retire to our attic + With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King, + But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none; + And the culminating pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done! + + + + + +THE ROVER'S APOLOGY. + + + Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray; + Though I own that my heart has been ranging, + Of nature the laws I obey, + For nature is constantly changing. + The moon in her phases is found, + The time and the wind and the weather, + The months in succession come round, + And you don't find two Mondays together. + Consider the moral, I pray, + Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, + Who loves this young lady to-day, + And loves that young lady to-morrow. + + You cannot eat breakfast all day, + Nor is it the act of a sinner, + When breakfast is taken away + To turn your attention to dinner; + And it's not in the range of belief, + That you could hold him as a glutton, + Who, when he is tired of beef, + Determines to tackle the mutton. + But this I am ready to say, + If it will diminish their sorrow, + I'll marry this lady to-day, + And I'll marry that lady to-morrow! + + + + + +WOULD YOU KNOW? + + + Would you know the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a? + Eyes must be downcast and staid, + Cheeks must flush for shame-a! + She may neither dance nor sing, + But, demure in everything, + Hang her head in modest way, + With pouting lips that seem to say + "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a." + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + When a maid is bold and gay, + With a tongue goes clang-a, + Flaunting it in brave array, + Maiden may go hang-a! + Sunflower gay and hollyhock + Never shall my garden stock; + Mine the blushing rose of May, + With pouting lips that seem to say, + "Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die for shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN. + + + A magnet hung in a hardware shop, + And all around was a loving crop + Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, + Offering love for all their lives; + But for iron the magnet felt no whim, + Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, + From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, + For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn! + His most ęsthetic, + Very magnetic + Fancy took this turn-- + "If I can wheedle + A knife or needle, + Why not a Silver Churn?" + + And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, + The needles opened their well drilled eyes, + The pen-knives felt "shut up," no doubt, + The scissors declared themselves "cut out." + The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, + While every nail went off its head, + And hither and thither began to roam, + Till a hammer came up--and drove it home, + While this magnetic + Peripatetic + Lover he lived to learn, + By no endeavor, + Can Magnet ever + Attract a Silver Churn! + + + + + +BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR. + + + Braid the raven hair, + Weave the supple tress, + Deck the maiden fair + In her loveliness; + Paint the pretty face, + Dye the coral lip. + Emphasize the grace + Of her ladyship! + Art and nature, thus allied, + Go to make a pretty bride! + + Sit with downcast eye, + Let it brim with dew; + Try if you can cry, + We will do so, too. + When you're summoned, start + Like a frightened roe; + Flutter, little heart, + Color, come and go! + Modesty at marriage tide + Well becomes a pretty bride! + + + + + +IS LIFE A BOON? + + + Is life a boon? + If so? it must befal + That Death, whene'er he call, + Must call too soon. + Though fourscore years he give, + Yet one would pray to live + Another moon! + What kind of plaint have I, + Who perish in July? + I might have had to die, + Perchance, in June! + + Is life a thorn? + Then count it not a whit! + Man is well done with it; + Soon as he's born + He should all means essay + To put the plague away: + And I, war-worn, + Poor captured fugitive, + My life most gladly give-- + I might have had to live + Another morn! + + + + + +A MIRAGE. + + + Were I thy bride, + Then the whole world beside + Were not too wide + To hold my wealth of love-- + Were I thy bride! + Upon thy breast + My loving head would rest, + As on her nest + The tender turtle dove-- + Were I thy bride! + + This heart of mine + Would be one heart with thine, + And in that shrine + Our happiness would dwell-- + Were I thy bride! + And all day long + Our lives should be a song: + No grief, no wrong + Should make my heart rebel-- + Were I thy bride! + + The silvery flute, + The melancholy lute, + Were night owl's hoot + To my low-whispered coo-- + Were I thy bride! + The skylark's trill + Were but discordance shrill + To the soft thrill + Of wooing as I'd woo-- + Were I thy bride! + + The rose's sigh + Were as a carrion's cry + To lullaby + Such as I'd sing to thee, + Were I thy bride! + A feather's press + Were leaden heaviness + To my caress. + But then, unhappily, + I'm not thy bride! + + + + + +A MERRY MADRIGAL. + + + Brightly dawns our wedding day; + Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! + Whither, whither art thou fleeting? + Fickle moment, prithee stay! + What though mortal joys be hollow? + Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: + Though the tocsin sound, ere long, + Ding dong! Ding dong! + Yet until the shadows fall + Over one and over all, + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + Let us dry the ready tear; + Though the hours are surely creeping, + Little need for woeful weeping, + Till the sad sundown is near. + All must sip the cup of sorrow-- + I to-day and thou to-morrow: + This the close of every song-- + Ding dong! Ding dong! + What, though solemn shadows fall, + Sooner, later, over all? + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + + + + +THE LOVE-SICK BOY. + + + When first my old, old love I knew, + My bosom welled with joy; + My riches at her feet I threw; + I was a love-sick boy! + No terms seemed too extravagant + Upon her to employ-- + I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, + Just like a love-sick boy! + + But joy incessant palls the sense; + And love, unchanged will cloy, + And she became a bore intense + Unto her love-sick boy! + With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, + And I grew cold and coy, + At last, one morning, I became + Another's love-sick boy! + + * * * * * + +HENRY ALTEMUS' PUBLICATIONS. + +PHILADELPHIA. PA. + + +STEPHEN. A SOLDIER OF THE CROSS, by Florence Morse Kingsley, author +of "Titus, a Comrade of the Cross." "Since Ben-Hur no story has so +vividly portrayed the times of Christ."--_The Bookseller._ Cloth, +12mo., 369 pages. $1.25. + +PAUL. 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Elegant and +delicious nonsense."--_Saturday Review._ + +THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE, a companion to +"Alice in Wonderland," with 50 illustrations by John Tenniel. + +BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, with 50 full page and text +illustrations. + +A CHILD'S STORY OF THE BIBLE, with 72 full page illustrations. + +A CHILD'S LIFE OF CHRIST, with 49 illustrations. God has implanted +in the infant heart a desire to hear of Jesus, and children are early +attracted and sweetly riveted by the wonderful Story of the Master +from the Manger to the Throne. + +SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, with 50 illustrations. The father of the +family tells the tale of the vicissitudes through which he and his +wife and children pass, the wonderful discoveries made and dangers +encountered. The book is full of interest and instruction. + +CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA, with 70 +illustrations Every American boy and girl should be acquainted with +the story of the life of the great discoverer, with its struggles, +adventures, and trials. + +THE STORY OF EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY IN AFRICA, with 80 +illustrations. Records the experiences of adventures and discoveries +in developing the "Dark Continent," from the early days of Bruce and +Mungo Park down to Livingstone and Stanley, and the heroes of our own +times. No present can be more acceptable than such a volume as this, +where courage, intrepidity, resource, and devotion are so admirably +mingled. + +THE FABLES OF ĘSOP. Compiled from the best accepted sources. With 62 +illustrations. The fables of Ęsop are among the very earliest +compositions of this kind, and probably have never been surpassed for +point and brevity. + +GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. Adapted for young readers. With 50 +illustrations. + +MOTHER GOOSE'S RHYMES, JINGLES AND FAIRY TALES, with 234 +illustrations. + +LIVES OF THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES, by Prescott Holmes. +With portraits of the Presidents and also of the unsuccessful +candidates for the office; as well as the ablest of the Cabinet +officers. It is just the book for intelligent boys, and it will help +to make them intelligent and patriotic citizens. + +THE STORY OF ADVENTURE IN THE FROZEN SEAS, with 70 illustrations. By +Prescott Holmes. We have here brought together the records of the +attempts to reach the North Pole. The book shows how much can be +accomplished by steady perseverance and indomitable pluck. + +ILLUSTRATED NATURAL HISTORY, by the Rev. J.G. Wood, with 80 +illustrations. This author has done more to popularize the study of +natural history than any other writer. The illustrations are striking +and life-like. + +A CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND, by Charles Dickens, with 50 +illustrations. Tired of listening to his children memorize the twaddle +of old fashioned English history the author covered the ground in his +own peculiar and happy style for his own children's use. When the work +was published its success was instantaneous. + +BLACK BEAUTY, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A HORSE, by Anna Sewell, with 50 +illustrations. A work sure to educate boys and girls to treat with +kindness all members of the animal kingdom. Recognized as the greatest +story of animal life extant. + +THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS, with 130 illustrations. Contains +the most favorably known of the stories. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' DEVOTIONAL SERIES. + +Standard Religious Literature Appropriately Bound in Handy Volume +Size. Each Volume contains Illuminated Title, Portrait of Author and +Appropriate Illustrations. + +_WHITE VELLUM, SILVER AND MONOTINT, BOXED, EACH FIFTY CENTS._ + + +1 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Will +perpetuate her name." + +2 MY KING AND HIS SERVICE, OR DAILY THOUGHTS FOR THE KING'S +CHILDREN, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Simple, tender, gentle, and +full of Christian love." + +3 MY POINT OF VIEW. Selections from the works of Professor Henry +Drummond. + +4 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas A'Kempis. "With the +exception of the Bible it is probably the book most read in Christian +literature." + +5 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. "Intelligent sympathy with +the Christian's need." + +6 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. +"A most notable book which has earned for the author a world-wide +reputation." + +7 ADDRESSES, by the Rev. Phillips Brooks. "Has exerted a marked +influence over the rising generation." + +8 ABIDE IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Fellowship with +the Son of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. It cannot fail to stimulate +and cheer.--_Spurgeon._ + +9 LIKE CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Conformity to the Son +of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. A sequel to "Abide in Christ." "May +be read with comfort an edification by all." + +10 WITH CHRIST IN THE SCHOOL OF PRAYER, by the Rev. Andrew Murray. +"The best work on prayer in the language." + +11 HOLY IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Calling of God's Children to be +holy as He is Holy. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. "This sacred theme is +treated Scripturally and robustly without spurious sentimentalism." + +12 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes, author of "Tom Brown's +School Days," etc. "Evidences of the sublimest courage and manliness +in the boyhood, ministry, and in the last acts of Christ's life." + +13 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Seven +Addresses on common vices and their results. + +14 THE PATHWAY OF SAFETY, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. Sound +words of advice and encouragement on the text "What must I do to be +saved?" + +15 THE CHRISTIAN LIFE, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. A +beautiful delineation of an ideal life from the conversion to the +final reward. + +16 THE THRONE OF GRACE. Before which the burdened soul may cast +itself on the bosom of infinite love and enjoy in prayer "a peace +which passeth all understanding." + +17 THE PATHWAY OF PROMISE, by the author of "The Throne of Grace." +Thoughts consolatory and encouraging to the Christian pilgrim as he +journeys onward to his heavenly home. + +18 THE IMPREGNABLE ROCK OF HOLY SCRIPTURE, by the Rt. Hon William +Ewart Gladstone, M.P. The most masterly defence of the truths of the +Bible extant. The author says: The Christian Faith and the Holy +Scriptures arm us with the means of neutralizing and repelling the +assaults of evil in and from ourselves. + +19 STEPS INTO THE BLESSED LIFE, by the Rev. F.B. Meyer, B.A. A +powerful help towards sanctification. + +20 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by the Rev. Richard W. Church, D.D. Eight +excellent sermons on the advent of the Babe of Bethlehem and his +influence and effect on the world. + +21 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +22 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +23 THE CHANGED CROSS; AND OTHER RELIGIOUS POEMS. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' ETERNAL LIFE SERIES. + +Selections from the writings of well-known religious authors, +beautifully printed and daintily bound with original designs in silver +and ink. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 ETERNAL LIFE, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +2 LORD, TEACH US TO PRAY, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +3 GOD'S WORD AND GOD'S WORK, by Martin Luther. + +4 FAITH, by Thomas Arnold. + +5 THE CREATION STORY, by Honorable William E. Gladstone. + +6 THE MESSAGE OF COMFORT, by Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden. + +7 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by Rev. R.W. Church. + +8 THE LORD'S PRAYER AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, by Dean Stanley. + +9 THE MEMOIRS OF JESUS, by Rev. Robert F. Horton. + +10 HYMNS OF PRAISE AND GLADNESS, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +11 DIFFICULTIES, by Hannah Whitall Smith. + +12 GAMBLERS AND GAMBLING, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +13 HAVE FAITH IN GOD, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +14 TWELVE CAUSES OF DISHONESTY, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +15 THE CHRIST IN WHOM CHRISTIANS BELIEVE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +16 IN MY NAME, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +17 SIX WARNINGS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +18 THE DUTY OF THE CHRISTIAN BUSINESSMAN, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +19 POPULAR AMUSEMENTS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +20 TRUE LIBERTY, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +21 INDUSTRY AND IDLENESS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +22 THE BEAUTY OF A LIFE OF SERVICE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +23 THE SECOND COMING OF OUR LORD, by Rev. A.T. Pierson, D.D. + +24 THOUGHT AND ACTION, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +25 THE HEAVENLY VISION, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +26 MORNING STRENGTH, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +27 FOR THE QUIET HOUR, by Edith V. Bradt. + +28 EVENING COMFORT, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +29 WORDS OF HELP FOR CHRISTIAN GIRLS, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +30 HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE, by Rev. Dwight L. Moody. + +31 EXPECTATION CORNER, by E.S. Elliot. + +32 JESSICA'S FIRST PRAYER, by Hesba Stratton. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS BELLES-LETTRES SERIES. + +A collection of Essays and Addresses by eminent English and American +Authors, beautifully printed and daintily bound, with original designs +in silver. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 INDEPENDENCE DAY, by Rev. Edward E. Hale. + +2 THE SCHOLAR IN POLITICS, by Hon. Richard Olney. + +3 THE YOUNG MAN IN BUSINESS, by Edward W. Bok. + +4 THE YOUNG MAN AND THE CHURCH, by Edward W. Bok. + +5 THE SPOILS SYSTEM, by Hon. Carl Schurz. + +6 CONVERSATION, by Thomas DeQuincey. + +7 SWEETNESS AND LIGHT, by Matthew Arnold. + +8 WORK, by John Ruskin. + +9 NATURE AND ART, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +10 THE USE AND MISUSE OF BOOKS, by Frederic Harrison. + +11 THE MONROE DOCTRINE: ITS ORIGIN, MEANING AND APPLICATION, by +Prof. John Bach McMaster (University of Pennsylvania). + +12 THE DESTINY OF MAN, by Sir John Lubbock. + +13 LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +14 RIP VAN WINKLE, by Washington Irving. + +15 ART, POETRY AND MUSIC, by Sir John Lubbock. + +16 THE CHOICE OF BOOKS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +17 MANNERS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +18 CHARACTER, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +19 THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW, by Washington Irving. + +20 THE BEAUTIES OF NATURE, by Sir John Lubbock. + +21 SELF RELIANCE, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +22 THE DUTY OF HAPPINESS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +23 SPIRITUAL LAWS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +24 OLD CHRISTMAS, by Washington Irving. + +25 HEALTH, WEALTH AND THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +26 INTELLECT, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +27 WHY AMERICANS DISLIKE ENGLAND, by Prof. Geo. B. Adams (Yale). + +28 THE HIGHER EDUCATION AS A TRAINING FOR BUSINESS, by Prof. Harry +Pratt Judson (University of Chicago). + +29 MISS TOOSEY'S MISSION. + +30 LADDIE. + +31 J. COLE, by Emma Gellibrand. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' NEW ILLUSTRATED VADEMECUM SERIES. + +Masterpieces of English and American literature, Handy Volume Size, +Large Type Editions. Each Volume Contains Illuminated Title Pages, and +Portrait of Author and Numerous Engravings + + Full Cloth, ivory finish, ornamental inlaid sides and back, boxed 40 + Full White Vellum, full silver and monotint, boxed 50 + + +1 CRANFORD, by Mrs. Gaskell. + +2 A WINDOW IN THRUMS, by J.M. Barrie. + +3 RAB AND HIS FRIENDS, MARJORIE FLEMING, ETC., by John Brown, M.D. + +4 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD, by Oliver Goldsmith. + +5 THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW, by Jerome K. Jerome. "A book +for an idle holiday." + +6 TALES FROM SHAKSPEARE, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with an +introduction by the Rev. Alfred Ainger, M.D. + +7 SESAME AND LILIES, by John Ruskin. Three Lectures--I. Of the +King's Treasures. II. Of Queen's Garden. III. Of the Mystery of Life. + +8 THE ETHICS OF THE DUST, by John Ruskin. Ten lectures to little +housewives on the elements of crystalization. + +9 THE PLEASURES OF LIFE, by Sir John Lubbock. Complete in one +volume. + +10 THE SCARLET LETTER, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +11 THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +12 MOSSES FROM AN OLD MANSE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +13 TWICE TOLD TALES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +14 THE ESSAYS OF FRANCIS (LORD) BACON WITH MEMOIRS AND NOTES. + +15 ESSAYS, First Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +16 ESSAYS, Second Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +17 REPRESENTATIVE MEN, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Mental portraits each +representing a class. 1. The Philosopher. 2. The Mystic. 3. The +Skeptic. 4. The Poet. 5. The Man of the World. 6. The Writer. + +18 THOUGHTS OF THE EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS, translated by +George Long. + +19 THE DISCOURSES OF EPICTETUS WITH THE ENCHIRIDION, translated by +George Long. + +20 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas Ą Kempis. Four books +complete in one volume. + +21 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. The Greatest Thing in the +World; Pax Vobiscum; The Changed Life; How to Learn How; Dealing With +Doubt; Preparation for Learning: What is a Christian; The Study of the +Bible; A Talk on Books. + +22 LETTERS, SENTENCES AND MAXIMS, by Lord Chesterfield. Masterpieces +of good taste, good writing and good sense. + +23 REVERIES OF A BACHELOR. A book of the heart. By Ik Marvel. + +24 DREAM LIFE, by Ik Marvel. A companion to "Reveries of a +Bachelor." + +25 SARTOR RESARTUS, by Thomas Carlyle. + +26 HEROES AND HERO WORSHIP, by Thomas Carlyle. + +27 UNCLE TOM'S CABIN, by Harriet Beecher Stowe. + +28 ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +29 MY POINT OF VIEW. Representative selections from the works of +Professor Henry Drummond by William Shepard. + +30 THE SKETCH BOOK, by Washington Irving. Complete. + +31 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +32 LUCILE, by Owen Meredith. + +33 LALLA ROOKH, by Thomas Moore. + +34 THE LADY OF THE LAKE, by Sir Walter Scott. + +35 MARMION, by Sir Walter Scott. + +36 THE PRINCESS; AND MAUD, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +37 CHILDE HAROLD'S PILGRIMAGE, by Lord Byron. + +38 IDYLLS OF THE KING, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +39 EVANGELINE, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. + +40 VOICES OF THE NIGHT AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +41 THE QUEEN OF THE AIR, by John Ruskin. A study of the Greek myths +of cloud and storm. + +42 THE BELFRY OF BRUGES AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +43 POEMS, Volume I, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +44 POEMS, Volume II, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +45 THE RAVEN; AND OTHER POEMS, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +46 THANATOPSIS; AND OTHER POEMS, by William Cullen Bryant. + +47 THE LAST LEAF; AND OTHER POEMS, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +48 THE HEROES OR GREEK FAIRY TALES, by Charles Kingsley. + +49 A WONDER BOOK, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +50 UNDINE, by de La Motte Fouque. + +51 ADDRESSES, by the Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +52 BALZAC'S SHORTER STORIES, by Honore de Balzac. + +53 TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MAST, by Richard H. Dana, Jr. + +54 BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. An Autobiography. + +55 THE LAST ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +56 TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS, by Thomas Hughes. + +57 WEIRD TALES, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +58 THE CROWN OF WILD OLIVE, by John Ruskin. Three lectures on Work, +Traffic and War. + +59 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +60 ABBE CONSTANTIN, by Ludovic Halevy. + +61 MANON LESCAUT, by Abbe Prevost. + +62 THE ROMANCE OF A POOR YOUNG MAN, by Octave Feuillet. + +63 BLACK BEAUTY, by Anna Sewell. + +64 CAMILLE, by Alexander Dumas, Jr. + +65 THE LIGHT OF ASIA, by Sir Edwin Arnold. + +66 THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME, by Thomas Babington Macaulay. + +67 THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER, by Thomas De Quincey. + +68 TREASURE ISLAND, by Robert L. Stevenson. + +69 CARMEN, by Prosper Merimee. + +70 A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY, by Laurence Sterne. + +71 THE BLITHEDALE ROMANCE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +72 BAB BALLADS, AND SAVOY SONGS, by W.H. Gilbert. + +73 FANCHON, THE CRICKET, by George Sand. + +74 POEMS, by James Russell Lowell. + +75 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +76 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +77 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes. + +78 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +79 THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +80 MULVANEY STORIES, by Rudyard Kipling. + +81 BALLADS, by Rudyard Kipling. + +82 MORNING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +83 TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM, by T.S. Arthur. + +84 EVENING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +85 IN MEMORIAM, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +86 COMING TO CHRIST, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +87 HOUSE OF THE WOLF, by Stanley Weyman. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN POLITICS (non-Partisan), by Hon. Thomas V. Cooper. A +history of all the Political Parties with their views and records on +all important questions. All political platforms from the beginning to +date. Great Speeches on Great issues. Parliamentary Practice and +tabulated history of chronological events. A library without this work +is deficient. 8vo., 750 pages. Cloth, $3.00. Full Sheep Library style, +$4.00. + +NAMES FOR CHILDREN, by Elisabeth Robinson Scovil, author of "The +Care of Children," "Preparation for Motherhood." In family life there +is no question of greater weight or importance than naming the baby. +The author gives much good advice and many suggestions on the subject. +Cloth, 12mo., $.40. + +TRIF AND TRIXY, by John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies." The +story is replete with vivid and spirited scenes; and is incomparably +the happiest and most delightful work Mr. Habberton has yet written. +Cloth, 12mo., $.35. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +******* This file should be named 15370-8.txt or 15370-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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S. Gilbert</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + .poem span.i1 {display: block; margin-left: 1em;} + .poem span.i10 {display: block; margin-left: 10em;} + .poem span.i14 {display: block; margin-left: 14em;} + .poem span.i18 {display: block; margin-left: 18em;} + .poem span.i22 {display: block; margin-left: 22em;} + .poem span.i3 {display: block; margin-left: 3em;} + .poem span.i5 {display: block; margin-left: 5em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em;} + .poem span.i8 {display: block; margin-left: 8em;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} /* page numbers */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + + ul {list-style: none;} + ul li { padding-top: .5em ; } + + hr.full { width: 100%; } + pre {font-size: 8pt;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs, by W. S. Gilbert</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs</p> +<p>Author: W. S. Gilbert</p> +<p>Release Date: March 15, 2005 [eBook #15370]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<h1>BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS</h1> + +<h2>W. H. GILBERT</h2> +<p> </p> + +<h6>PHILADELPHIA</h6> +<h6>HENRY ALTEMUS</h6> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="368" height="550" alt="Cover of book" /> +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" ><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a> +<img src="images/title1.jpg" width="375" height="596" alt="Title page" /> +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" ><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a> +<img src="images/004.png" width="413" height="500" alt="Cartoon" /> + +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a> +<img src="images/title2.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Second title page" /> +<a name="Page_4" id="Page_4"></a> +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.<a name="Page_5" id="Page_5"></a></h2> +<ul> + <li><a href="#THE_BAB_BALLADS"><b>THE BAB BALLADS</b></a></li> + <li><ul> + <li><a href="#THE_YARN_OF_THE_NANCY_BELLquot"><b>The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell"</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#CAPTAIN_REECE"><b>Captain Reece</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_BISHOP_AND_THE_BUSMAN"><b>The Bishop and the Busman</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_FOLLY_OF_BROWN"><b>The Folly of Brown</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_THREE_KINGS_OF_CHICKERABOO"><b>The Three Kings of Chickeraboo</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#TO_THE_TERRESTRIAL_GLOBE"><b>To the Terrestrial Globe</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_BISHOP_OF_RUM_TI_FOO"><b>The Bishop of Rum-Ti-Foo</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#GENERAL_JOHN"><b>General John</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#SIR_GUY_THE_CRUSADER"><b>Sir Guy the Crusader</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#KING_BORRIA_BUNGALEE_BOO"><b>King Borria Bungalee Boo</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_TROUBADOUR"><b>The Troubadour</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_FORCE_OF_ARGUMENT"><b>The Force of Argument</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#ONLY_A_DANCING_GIRL"><b>Only a Dancing Girl</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_SENSATION_CAPTAIN"><b>The Sensation Captain</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_PERIWINKLE_GIRL"><b>The Periwinkle Girl</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#BOB_POLTER"><b>Bob Polter</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#GENTLE_ALICE_BROWN"><b>Gentle Alice Brown</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#BEN_ALLAH_ACHMET"><b>Ben Allah Achmet</b></a></li> + </ul></li> + <li> </li> + <li><a href="#SONGS_OF_A_SAVOYARD"><b>SONGS OF A SAVOYARD</b></a></li> + <li><ul> + <li><a href="#THE_ENGLISHMAN"><b>The Englishman</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_DISAGREEABLE_MAN"><b>The Disagreeable Man</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_MODERN_MAJOR_GENERAL"><b>The Modern Major-General</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_HEAVY_DRAGOON"><b>The Heavy Dragoon</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#ONLY_ROSES"><b>Only Roses</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THEYLL_NONE_OF_EM_BE_MISSED"><b>They'll None of 'Em Be Missed</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_POLICEMANS_LOT"><b>The Policeman's Lot</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#AN_APPEAL"><b>An Appeal</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#EHEU_FUGACES"><b>Eheu Fugaces—!</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#A_RECIPE"><b>A Recipe</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_FIRST_LORDS_SONG"><b>The First Lord's Song</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#WHEN_A_MERRY_MAIDEN_MARRIES"><b>When a Merry Maiden Marries</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_SUICIDES_GRAVE"><b>The Suicide's Grave</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#HE_AND_SHE"><b>He and She</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_LORD_CHANCELLORS_SONG"><b>The Lord Chancellor's Song</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#WILLOW_WALY"><b>Willow Waly</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_USHERS_CHARGE"><b>The Usher's Charge</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#KING_GOODHEART"><b>King Goodheart</b></a><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_TANGLED_SKEIN"><b>The Tangled Skein</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#GIRL_GRADUATES"><b>Girl Graduates</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_APE_AND_THE_LADY"><b>The Ape and the Lady</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#SANS_SOUCI"><b>Sans Souci</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_BRITISH_TAR"><b>The British Tar</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_COMING_BYE_AND_BYE"><b>The Coming Bye and Bye</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_SORCERERS_SONG"><b>The Sorcerer's Song</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#SPECULATION"><b>Speculation</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_DUKE_OF_PLAZA_TORO"><b>The Duke Of Plaza-Toro</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_REWARD_OF_MERIT"><b>The Reward Of Merit</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#WHEN_I_FIRST_PUT_THIS_UNIFORM_ON"><b>When I First Put This Uniform On</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#SAID_I_TO_MYSELF_SAID_I"><b>Said I To Myself, Said I</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_FAMILY_FOOL"><b>The Family Fool</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_PHILOSOPHIC_PILL"><b>The Philosophic Pill</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_CONTEMPLATIVE_SENTRY"><b>The Contemplative Sentry</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#SORRY_HER_LOT"><b>Sorry Her Lot</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_JUDGES_SONG"><b>The Judge's Song</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#TRUE_DIFFIDENCE"><b>True Diffidence</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_HIGHLY_RESPECTABLE_GONDOLIER"><b>The Highly Respectable Gondolier</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#DONT_FORGET"><b>Don't Forget</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_DARNED_MOUNSEER"><b>The Darned Mounseer</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_HUMANE_MIKADO"><b>The Humane Mikado</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_HOUSE_OF_PEERS"><b>The House of Peers</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_AESTHETE"><b>The Æsthete</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#PROPER_PRIDE"><b>Proper Pride</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_BAFFLED_GRUMBLER"><b>The Baffled Grumbler</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_WORKING_MONARCH"><b>The Working Monarch</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_ROVERS_APOLOGY"><b>The Rover's Apology</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#WOULD_YOU_KNOW"><b>Would You Know</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_MAGNET_AND_THE_CHURN"><b>The Magnet And The Churn</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#BRAID_THE_RAVEN_HAIR"><b>Braid The Raven Hair</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#IS_LIFE_A_BOON"><b>Is Life A Boon?</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#A_MIRAGE"><b>A Mirage</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#A_MERRY_MADRIGAL"><b>A Merry Madrigal</b></a></li> + <li><a href="#THE_LOVE_SICK_BOY"><b>The Love-Sick Boy</b></a></li> + </ul></li> +</ul> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BAB_BALLADS" id="THE_BAB_BALLADS"></a><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a>THE BAB BALLADS.</h2> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_YARN_OF_THE_NANCY_BELLquot" id="THE_YARN_OF_THE_NANCY_BELLquot"></a>THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL."</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>'Twas on the shores that round our coast<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From Deal to Ramsgate span,<br /></span> +<span>That I found alone, on a piece of stone,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">An elderly naval man.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His hair was weedy, his beard was long,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And weedy and long was he,<br /></span> +<span>And I heard this wight on the shore recite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In a singular minor key:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the mate of the <i>Nancy</i> brig,<br /></span> +<span>And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the crew of the captain's gig."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a> +<span>And he shook his fists and he tore his hair.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Till I really felt afraid;<br /></span> +<span>For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And so I simply said:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, elderly man it's little I know<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of the duties of men of the sea,<br /></span> +<span>And I'll eat my hand if I understand<br /></span> +<span class="i1">How you can possibly be<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"At once a cook, and a captain bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the mate of the <i>Nancy</i> brig,<br /></span> +<span>And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the crew of the captain's gig."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is a trick all seamen larn,<br /></span> +<span>And having got rid of a thumping quid,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He spun this painful yarn:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"'Twas in the good ship <i>Nancy Bell</i><br /></span> +<span class="i1">That we sailed to the Indian sea,<br /></span> +<span>And there on a reef we come to grief,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which has often occurred to me.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a> +<span>"And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(There was seventy-seven o' soul),<br /></span> +<span>And only ten of the <i>Nancy's</i> men<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said 'Here!' to the muster roll.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"There was me and the cook and the captain bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the mate of the <i>Nancy</i> brig,<br /></span> +<span>And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the crew of the captain's gig.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Till a-hungry we did feel,<br /></span> +<span>So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The captain for our meal.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"The next lot fell to the <i>Nancy's</i> mate,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And a delicate dish he made;<br /></span> +<span>Then our appetite with the midshipmite<br /></span> +<span class="i1">We seven survivors stayed.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"And then we murdered the bo'sun tight,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he much resembled pig;<br /></span> +<span>Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">On the crew of the captain's gig.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10"></a> +<span>"Then only the cook and me was left,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the delicate question, 'Which<br /></span> +<span>Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And we argued it out as sich.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the cook he worshipped me;<br /></span> +<span>But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In the other chap's hold, you see.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'—<br /></span> +<span>'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Were a foolish thing to do,<br /></span> +<span>For don't you see that you can't cook <i>me</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">While I can—and will—cook <i>you</i>!'<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"So, he boils the water, and takes the salt<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the pepper in portions true<br /></span> +<span>(Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And some sage and parsley too.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a> +<span>"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which his smiling features tell,<br /></span> +<span>''T will soothing be if I let you see,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">How extremely nice you'll smell,'<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"And he stirred it round and round and round,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he sniffed the foaming froth;<br /></span> +<span>When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In the scum of the boiling broth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"And I eat that cook in a week or less,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And—as I eating be<br /></span> +<span>The last of his chops, why I almost drops,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For a wessel in sight I see.</span></div> +<hr style='width: 45%;' /><br /> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"And I never larf, and I never smile,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And I never lark nor play,<br /></span> +<span>But I sit and croak, and a single joke<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I have—which is to say:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the mate of the <i>Nancy</i> brig,<br /></span> +<span>And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the crew of the captain's gig!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CAPTAIN_REECE" id="CAPTAIN_REECE"></a><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12"></a>CAPTAIN REECE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Of all the ships upon the blue,<br /></span> +<span>No ship contained a better crew<br /></span> +<span>Than that of worthy Captain Reece.<br /></span> +<span>Commanding of <i>The Mantelpiece</i>.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He was adored by all his men,<br /></span> +<span>For worthy Captain Reece, R.N.,<br /></span> +<span>Did all that lay within him to<br /></span> +<span>Promote the comfort of his crew.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>If ever they were dull or sad,<br /></span> +<span>Their captain danced to them like mad,<br /></span> +<span>Or told, to make the time pass by,<br /></span> +<span>Droll legends of his infancy.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A feather bed had every man,<br /></span> +<span>Warm slippers and hot-water can,<br /></span> +<span>Brown windsor from the captain's store,<br /></span> +<span>A valet, too, to every four.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Did they with thirst in summer burn?<br /></span> +<span>Lo, seltzogenes at every turn.<br /></span> +<span>And on all very sultry days<br /></span> +<span>Cream ices handed round on trays.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a> +<span>Then currant wine and ginger pops<br /></span> +<span>Stood handily on all the "tops:"<br /></span> +<span>And, also, with amusement rife,<br /></span> +<span>A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>New volumes came across the sea<br /></span> +<span>From Mister Mudie's libraree;<br /></span> +<span><i>The Times</i> and <i>Saturday Review</i><br /></span> +<span>Beguiled the leisure of the crew.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N.,<br /></span> +<span>Was quite devoted to his men;<br /></span> +<span>In point of fact, good Captain Reece<br /></span> +<span>Beatified <i>The Mantelpiece</i>.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>One summer eve, at half-past ten,<br /></span> +<span>He said (addressing all his men):<br /></span> +<span>"Come, tell me, please, what I can do<br /></span> +<span>To please and gratify my crew.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"By any reasonable plan<br /></span> +<span>I'll make you happy if I can;<br /></span> +<span>My own convenience count as <i>nil</i>;<br /></span> +<span>It is my duty, and I will."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Then up and answered William Lee,<br /></span> +<span>(The kindly captain's coxswain he,<br /></span> +<span>A nervous, shy, low-spoken man)<br /></span> +<span>He cleared his throat and thus began:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a> +<span>"You have a daughter, Captain Reece,<br /></span> +<span>Ten female cousins and a niece,<br /></span> +<span>A ma, if what I'm told is true,<br /></span> +<span>Six sisters, and an aunt or two.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,<br /></span> +<span>More friendly-like we all should be.<br /></span> +<span>If you united of 'em to<br /></span> +<span>Unmarried members of the crew.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"If you'd ameliorate our life,<br /></span> +<span>Let each select from them a wife;<br /></span> +<span>And as for nervous me, old pal,<br /></span> +<span>Give me your own enchanting gal!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Good Captain Reece, that worthy man,<br /></span> +<span>Debated on his coxswain's plan:<br /></span> +<span>"I quite agree," he said. "O Bill;<br /></span> +<span>It is my duty, and I will.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"My daughter, that enchanting gurl,<br /></span> +<span>has just been promised to an earl,<br /></span> +<span>And all my other familee<br /></span> +<span>To peers of various degree.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"But what are dukes and viscounts to<br /></span> +<span>The happiness of all my crew?<br /></span><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></a> +<span>The word I gave you I'll fulfil;<br /></span> +<span>It is my duty, and I will.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"As you desire it shall befall,<br /></span> +<span>I'll settle thousands on you all,<br /></span> +<span>And I shall be, despite my hoard,<br /></span> +<span>The only bachelor on board."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The boatswain of <i>The Mantelpiece</i>,<br /></span> +<span>He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece:<br /></span> +<span>"I beg your honor's leave," he said,<br /></span> +<span>"If you wish to go and wed,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I have a widowed mother who<br /></span> +<span>Would be the very thing for you—<br /></span> +<span>She long has loved you from afar,<br /></span> +<span>She washes for you, Captain R."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The captain saw the dame that day—<br /></span> +<span>Addressed her in his playful way—<br /></span> +<span>"And did it want a wedding ring?<br /></span> +<span>It was a tempting ickle sing!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,<br /></span> +<span>We'll all be married this day week—<br /></span> +<span>At yonder church upon the hill;<br /></span> +<span>It is my duty, and I will!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a> +<span>The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,<br /></span> +<span>And widowed ma of Captain Reece,<br /></span> +<span>Attended there as they were bid;<br /></span> +<span>It was their duty, and they did.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="center"> +<img src="images/018.png" width="386" height="350" alt="" title="" /> + +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BISHOP_AND_THE_BUSMAN" id="THE_BISHOP_AND_THE_BUSMAN"></a><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17" ></a>THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>It was a Bishop bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And London was his see,<br /></span> +<span>He was short and stout and round about,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And zealous as could be.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>It also was a Jew,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who drove a Putney bus—<br /></span> +<span>For flesh of swine however fine<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He did not care a cuss.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His name was Hash Baz Ben,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Jedediah too,<br /></span> +<span>And Solomon and Zabulon—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This bus-directing Jew.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The Bishop said, said he,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"I'll see what I can do<br /></span> +<span>To Christianize and make you wise,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You poor benighted Jew."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a> +<span>So every blessed day<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That bus he rode outside,<br /></span> +<span>From Fulham town, both up and down,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And loudly thus he cried:—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"His name is Hash Baz Ben,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Jedediah too,<br /></span> +<span>And Solomon and Zabulon—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This bus-directing Jew."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At first the busman smiled,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And rather liked the fun—<br /></span> +<span>He merely smiled, that Hebrew child,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And said, "Eccentric one!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And gay young dogs would wait<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To see the bus go by<br /></span> +<span>(These gay young dogs in striking togs)<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To hear the Bishop cry:—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Observe his grisly beard,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His race it clearly shows,<br /></span> +<span>He sticks no fork in ham or pork:—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Observe, my friends, his nose.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a> +<span>"His name is Hash Baz Ben,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Jedediah too,<br /></span> +<span>And Solomon and Zabulon—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This bus-directing Jew."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But though at first amused,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Yet after seven years,<br /></span> +<span>This Hebrew child got awful riled,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And busted into tears.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He really almost feared<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To leave his poor abode,<br /></span> +<span>His nose, and name, and beard became<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A byword on that road.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At length he swore an oath,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The reason he would know—<br /></span> +<span>"I'll call and see why ever he<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Does persecute me so."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The good old bishop sat<br /></span> +<span class="i1">On his ancestral chair,<br /></span> +<span>The busman came, sent up his name,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And laid his grievance bare.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a> +<span>"Benighted Jew," he said,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(And chuckled loud with joy)<br /></span> +<span>"Be Christian you, instead of Jew—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Become a Christian boy.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I'll ne'er annoy you more."<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Indeed?" replied the Jew.<br /></span> +<span>"Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Then "Done!" said he, "with you!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The organ which, in man,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Between the eyebrows grows,<br /></span> +<span>Fell from his face, and in its place,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He found a Christian nose.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His tangled Hebrew beard,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which to his waist came down,<br /></span> +<span>Was now a pair of whiskers fair—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His name, Adolphus Brown.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He wedded in a year,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That prelate's daughter Jane;<br /></span> +<span>He's grown quite fair—has auburn hair—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His wife is far from plain.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_FOLLY_OF_BROWN" id="THE_FOLLY_OF_BROWN"></a><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21" ></a>THE FOLLY OF BROWN.</h2> + +<h3>BY A GENERAL AGENT.</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I knew a boor—a clownish card,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(His only friends were pigs and cows and<br /></span> +<span>The poultry of a small farmyard)<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who came into two hundred thousand.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Good fortune worked no change in Brown,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though she's a mighty social chymist:<br /></span> +<span>He was a clown—and by a clown<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I do not mean a pantomimist.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>It left him quiet, calm, and cool,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though hardly knowing what a crown was—<br /></span> +<span>You can't imagine what a fool<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Poor rich, uneducated Brown was!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He scouted all who wished to come<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And give him monetary schooling;<br /></span> +<span>And I propose to give you some<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Idea of his insensate fooling.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a> +<span>I formed a company or two—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Of course I don't know what the rest meant,<br /></span> +<span><i>I</i> formed them solely with a view<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To help him to a sound investment).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Their objects were—their only cares—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To justify their Boards in showing<br /></span> +<span>A handsome dividend on shares,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And keep their good promoter going.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But no—the lout prefers his brass,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though shares at par I freely proffer:<br /></span> +<span>Yes—will it be believed?—the ass<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He added, with a bumpkin's grin,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(A weakly intellect denoting)<br /></span> +<span>He'd rather not invest it in<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A company of my promoting!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"You have two hundred 'thou' or more,"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it.<br /></span> +<span>Come, take my furnished second floor,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'll gladly show you how to spend it."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But will it be believed that he,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With grin upon his face of poppy,<br /></span><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23"></a> +<span>Declined my aid, while thanking me<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For what he called my "philanthroppy?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them;<br /></span> +<span>They will not hear the charmer's voice,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">However wisely he may charm them.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I showed him that his coat, all dust,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Top boots and cords provoked compassion,<br /></span> +<span>And proved that men of station must<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Conform to the decrees of fashion.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I showed him where to buy his hat,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To coat him, trouser him, and boot him;<br /></span> +<span>But no—he wouldn't hear of that—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"He didn't think the style would suit him!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I offered him a country seat,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And made no end of an oration;<br /></span> +<span>I made it certainly complete,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And introduced the deputation.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But no—the clown my prospects blights—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(The worth of birth it surely teaches!)<br /></span> +<span>"Why should I want to spend my nights<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In Parliament, a-making speeches?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a> +<span>"I haven't never been to school—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I ain't had not no eddication—<br /></span> +<span>And I should surely be a fool<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To publish that to all the nation!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I offered him a trotting horse—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No hack had ever trotted faster—<br /></span> +<span>I also offered him, of course,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A rare and curious "old Master."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I offered to procure him weeds—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Wines fit for one in his position—<br /></span> +<span>But, though an ass in all his deeds,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He called me "thief" the other day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And daily from his door he thrusts me;<br /></span> +<span>Much more of this, and soon I may<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>So deaf to all sound Reason's rule<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This poor uneducated clown is,<br /></span> +<span>You cannot fancy what a fool<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Poor rich uneducated Brown is.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_THREE_KINGS_OF_CHICKERABOO" id="THE_THREE_KINGS_OF_CHICKERABOO"></a><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25" ></a>THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>There were three niggers of Chickeraboo—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop—who<br /></span> +<span>Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, let's be kings in a humble way."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The first was a highly-accomplished "bones,"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The next elicited banjo tones,<br /></span> +<span>The third was a quiet, retiring chap,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who danced an excellent break-down "flap."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan<br /></span> +<span>By which, whenever we like, we can<br /></span> +<span>Extemporize islands near the beach,<br /></span> +<span>And then we'll collar an island each.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Three casks, from somebody else's stores,<br /></span> +<span>Shall rep-per-esent our island shores,<br /></span> +<span>Their sides the ocean wide shall lave,<br /></span> +<span>Their heads just topping the briny wave.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a> +<span>"Great Britain's navy scours the sea,<br /></span> +<span>And everywhere her ships they be,<br /></span> +<span>She'll recognize our rank, perhaps,<br /></span> +<span>When she discovers we're Royal Chaps.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"If to her skirts you want to cling,<br /></span> +<span>It's quite sufficient that you're a king:<br /></span> +<span>She does not push inquiry far<br /></span> +<span>To learn what sort of king you are."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A ship of several thousand tons,<br /></span> +<span>And mounting seventy-something guns,<br /></span> +<span>Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue,<br /></span> +<span>Discovering kings and countries new.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip,<br /></span> +<span>Commanding that superior ship,<br /></span> +<span>Perceived one day, his glasses through,<br /></span> +<span>The kings that came from Chickeraboo.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see<br /></span> +<span>Three flourishing islands on our lee.<br /></span> +<span>And, bless me! most extror'nary thing!<br /></span> +<span>On every island stands a king!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a> +<span>"Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried,<br /></span> +<span>"And over the dancing waves I'll glide;<br /></span> +<span>That low obeisance I may do<br /></span> +<span>To those three kings of Chickeraboo!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The admiral pulled to the islands three;<br /></span> +<span>The kings saluted him gracious<i>lee</i>.<br /></span> +<span>The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm,<br /></span> +<span>Pulled out a printed Alliance form.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray—<br /></span> +<span>I come in a friendly kind of way—<br /></span> +<span>I come, if you please, with the best intents,<br /></span> +<span>And Queen Victoria's compliments."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The kings were pleased as they well could be;<br /></span> +<span>The most retiring of all the three,<br /></span> +<span>In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent<br /></span> +<span>With a banjo-bones accompaniment.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip<br /></span> +<span>Embarked on board his jolly big ship,<br /></span> +<span>Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore,<br /></span> +<span>And off he sailed to his native shore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a> +<span>Admiral Pip directly went<br /></span> +<span>To the Lord at the head of the Government,<br /></span> +<span>Who made him, by a stroke of a quill,<br /></span> +<span>Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The College of Heralds permission yield<br /></span> +<span>That he should quarter upon his shield<br /></span> +<span>Three islands, <i>vert</i>, on a field of blue,<br /></span> +<span>With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too,<br /></span> +<span>Are going to sail for Chickeraboo,<br /></span> +<span>And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck,<br /></span> +<span>A bishop, who's going out there on spec.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And let us all hope that blissful things<br /></span> +<span>May come of alliance with darkey kings.<br /></span> +<span>Oh, may we never, whatever we do,<br /></span> +<span>Declare a war with Chickeraboo!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a> +<img src="images/031.png" width="440" height="350" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_BISHOP_OF_RUM_TI_FOO" id="THE_BISHOP_OF_RUM_TI_FOO"></a>THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>From east and south the holy clan<br /></span> +<span>Of bishops gathered, to a man;<br /></span> +<span>To synod, called Pan-Anglican;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In flocking crowds they came.<br /></span> +<span>Among them was a Bishop, who<br /></span> +<span>Had lately been appointed to<br /></span> +<span>The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And Peter was his name.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a> +<span>His people—twenty-three in sum—<br /></span> +<span>They played the eloquent tum-tum<br /></span> +<span>And lived on scalps served up in rum—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The only sauce they knew,<br /></span> +<span>When, first good Bishop Peter came<br /></span> +<span>(For Peter was that Bishop's name),<br /></span> +<span>To humor them, he did the same<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As they of Rum-ti-Foo.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His flock, I've often heard him tell,<br /></span> +<span>(His name was Peter) loved him well,<br /></span> +<span>And summoned by the sound of bell,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In crowds together came.<br /></span> +<span>"Oh, massa, why you go away?<br /></span> +<span>Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay."<br /></span> +<span>(They called him Peter, people say,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Because it was his name.)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He told them all good boys to be,<br /></span> +<span>And sailed away across the sea.<br /></span> +<span>At London Bridge that Bishop he<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Arrived one Tuesday night—<br /></span> +<span>And as that night he homeward strode<br /></span> +<span>To his Pan-Anglican abode,<br /></span> +<span>He passed along the Borough Road<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And saw a gruesome sight.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></a> +<span>He saw a crowd assembled round<br /></span> +<span>A person dancing on the ground,<br /></span> +<span>Who straight began to leap and bound<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With all his might and main.<br /></span> +<span>To see that dancing man he stopped.<br /></span> +<span>Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped,<br /></span> +<span>Then down incontinently dropped,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then sprang up again.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The Bishop chuckled at the sight,<br /></span> +<span>"This style of dancing would delight<br /></span> +<span>A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll learn it, if I can,<br /></span> +<span>To please the tribe when I get back."<br /></span> +<span>He begged the man to teach his knack.<br /></span> +<span>"Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Replied that dancing man.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The dancing man he worked away<br /></span> +<span>And taught the Bishop every day—<br /></span> +<span>The dancer skipped like any fay—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Good Peter did the same.<br /></span> +<span>The Bishop buckled to his task<br /></span> +<span>With <i>battements</i>, cuts, and <i>pas de basque</i><br /></span> +<span>(I'll tell you, if you care to ask,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That Peter was his name).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a> +<span>"Come, walk like this," the dancer said,<br /></span> +<span>"Stick out your toes—stick in your head.<br /></span> +<span>Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your fingers thus extend;<br /></span> +<span>The attitude's considered quaint,"<br /></span> +<span>The weary Bishop, feeling faint,<br /></span> +<span>Replied, "I do not say it ain't,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"We now proceed to something new—<br /></span> +<span>Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do,<br /></span> +<span>Like this—one, two—one, two—one, two."<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Bishop, never proud,<br /></span> +<span>But in an overwhelming heat<br /></span> +<span>(His name was Peter, I repeat),<br /></span> +<span>Performed the Payne and Lauri feat,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And puffed his thanks aloud.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Another game the dancer planned—<br /></span> +<span>"Just take your ankle in your hand,<br /></span> +<span>And try, my lord, if you can stand—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your body stiff and stark.<br /></span> +<span>If, when revisiting your see,<br /></span> +<span>You learnt to hop on shore—like me—<br /></span> +<span>The novelty must striking be,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And must excite remark."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a> +<span>"No," said the worthy Bishop, "No;<br /></span> +<span>That is a length to which, I trow,<br /></span> +<span>Colonial Bishops cannot go.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You may express surprise<br /></span> +<span>At finding Bishops deal in pride—<br /></span> +<span>But, if that trick I ever tried,<br /></span> +<span>I should appear undignified<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo<br /></span> +<span>Are well-conducted persons, who<br /></span> +<span>Approve a joke as much as you,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And laugh at it as such;<br /></span> +<span>But if they saw their Bishop land,<br /></span> +<span>His leg supported in his hand,<br /></span> +<span>The joke they wouldn't understand—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twould pain them very much!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a><a name="TO_THE_TERRESTRIAL_GLOBE" id="TO_THE_TERRESTRIAL_GLOBE"></a>TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE.</h2> + +<h3>BY A MISERABLE WRETCH.</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Roll on, thou ball, roll on!<br /></span> +<span>Through pathless realms of Space<br /></span> +<span class="i6"> Roll on!<br /></span> +<span>What, though I'm in a sorry case?<br /></span> +<span>What, though I cannot meet my bills?<br /></span> +<span>What, though I suffer toothache's ills?<br /></span> +<span>What, though I swallow countless pills?<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Never <i>you</i> mind!<br /></span> +<span class="i6"> Roll on!<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Roll on, thou ball, roll on!<br /></span> +<span>Through seas of inky air<br /></span> +<span class="i6"> Roll on!<br /></span> +<span>It's true I've got no shirts to wear;<br /></span> +<span>It's true my butcher's bill is due;<br /></span> +<span>It's true my prospects all look blue—<br /></span> +<span>But don't let that unsettle you!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Never <i>you</i> mind!<br /></span> +<span class="i6"> Roll on!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i10"><i>(It rolls on.)</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="GENERAL_JOHN" id="GENERAL_JOHN"></a><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35" ></a>GENERAL JOHN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>The bravest names for fire and flames,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And all that mortal durst,<br /></span> +<span>Were General John and Private James,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of the Sixty-seventy-first.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>General John was a soldier tried,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A chief of warlike dons;<br /></span> +<span>A haughty stride and a withering pride<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Were Major-General John's.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A sneer would play on his martial phiz,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Superior birth to show;<br /></span> +<span>"Pish!" was a favorite word of his,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he often said "Ho! ho!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Full-Private James described might be,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As a man of a mournful mind;<br /></span> +<span>No characteristic trait had he<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of any distinctive kind.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a> +<span>From the ranks, one day, cried Private James<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh! Major-General John,<br /></span> +<span>I've doubts of our respective names,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My mournful mind upon.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"A glimmering thought occurs to me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Its source I can't unearth)<br /></span> +<span>But I've a kind of notion we<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Were cruelly changed at birth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I've a strange idea, each other's names<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That we have each got on,<br /></span> +<span>Such things have been," said Private James.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"They have!" sneered General John.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"My General John, I swear upon<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My oath I think 'tis so"—<br /></span> +<span>"Pish!" proudly sneered his General John,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he also said "Ho! ho!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"My General John! my General John!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My General John!" quoth he,<br /></span> +<span>"This aristocratical sneer upon<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Your face I blush to see!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a> +<span>"No truly great or generous cove<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Deserving of them names<br /></span> +<span>Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In the mind of a Private James!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Said General John, "Upon your claims<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No need your breath to waste;<br /></span> +<span>If this is a joke, Full-Private James,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">It's a joke of doubtful taste.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"But being a man of doubtless worth,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If you feel certain quite<br /></span> +<span>That we were probably changed at birth,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'll venture to say you're right."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>So General John as Private James<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Fell in, parade upon;<br /></span> +<span>And Private James, by change of names,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was Major-General John.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SIR_GUY_THE_CRUSADER" id="SIR_GUY_THE_CRUSADER"></a><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38" ></a>SIR GUY THE CRUSADER.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sir Guy was a doughty crusader,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">A muscular knight,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Ever ready to fight,<br /></span> +<span>A very determined invader.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Dickey de Lion's delight.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Lenore was a Saracen maiden,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Brunette, statuesque,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">The reverse of grotesque;<br /></span> +<span>Her pa was a bagman at Aden,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her mother she played in burlesque.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A <i>coryphee</i> pretty and loyal.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">In amber and red,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">The ballet she led;<br /></span> +<span>Her mother performed at the Royal,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Lenore at the Saracen's Head.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a> +<span>Of face and of figure majestic,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">She dazzled the cits—<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Ecstaticized pits;—<br /></span> +<span>Her troubles were only domestic,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But drove her half out of her wits.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Her father incessantly lashed her,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">On water and bread<br /></span> +<span class="i3">She was grudgingly fed;<br /></span> +<span>Whenever her father he thrashed her<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her mother sat down on her head.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">For beauty so bright,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Set him mad with delight;<br /></span> +<span>He purchased a stall for the season<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And sat in it every night.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His views were exceedingly proper;<br /></span> +<span class="i3">He wanted to wed,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">So he called at her shed<br /></span> +<span>And saw her progenitor whop her—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her mother sit down on her head.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></a> +<span>"So pretty," said he, "and so trusting!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">You brute of a dad,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">You unprincipled cad,<br /></span> +<span>Your conduct is really disgusting.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Come, come, now, admit it's too bad!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant;<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Your daughter Lenore<br /></span> +<span class="i3">I intensely adore<br /></span> +<span>And I cannot help feeling indignant,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A fact that I hinted before.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"To see a fond father employing<br /></span> +<span class="i3">A deuce of a knout<br /></span> +<span class="i3">For to bang her about.<br /></span> +<span>To a sensitive lover's annoying."<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With a big spiky knob.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Stand idly and sob.<br /></span> +<span>While a beautiful Saracen maiden<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is whipped by a Saracen snob?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a> +<span>"To London I'll go from my charmer."<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Which he did, with his loot<br /></span> +<span class="i3">(Seven hats and a flute),<br /></span> +<span>And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Her pa, in a rage,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Died (don't know his age),<br /></span> +<span>His daughter, she married the prompter,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Grew bulky and quitted the stage.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" ><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a> +<img src="images/044.png" width="367" height="450" alt="" title="" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="KING_BORRIA_BUNGALEE_BOO" id="KING_BORRIA_BUNGALEE_BOO"></a>KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>King Borria Bungalee Boo<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was a man-eating African swell;<br /></span> +<span>His sigh was a hullaballoo,<br /></span><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></a> +<span class="i1">His whisper a horrible yell—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A horrible, horrible yell!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Four subjects, and all of them male,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To Borria doubled the knee,<br /></span> +<span>They were once on a far larger scale,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But he'd eaten the balance, you see<br /></span> +<span class="i1">("Scale" and "balance" is punning, you see.)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Deh,<br /></span> +<span>Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>One day there was grief in the crew,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For they hadn't a morsel of meat,<br /></span> +<span>And Borria Bungalee Boo<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was dying for something to eat—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Come provide me with something to eat!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh,<br /></span> +<span>Where on earth shall I look for a meal?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For I haven't no dinner to-day!—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Not a morsel of dinner to-day!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></a> +<span>"Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Come, get us a meal, or in truth,<br /></span> +<span>If you don't we shall have to eat you,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Oh, adorable friend of our youth!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Thou beloved little friend of our youth!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And he answered, "Oh Bungalee Boo,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For a moment I hope you will wait—<br /></span> +<span>Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is the queen of a neighboring state—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A remarkably neighboring state.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">She would pickle deliciously cold—<br /></span> +<span>And her four pretty Amazons, too,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Are enticing, and not very old—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Twenty-seven is not very old.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah,<br /></span> +<span>There is jocular Waggety-Weh.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>So the forces of Bungalee Boo<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Marched forth in a terrible row,<br /></span> +<span>And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo<br /></span><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></a> +<span class="i1">Prepared to encounter the foe—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This dreadful insatiate foe!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But they sharpened no weapons at all,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And they poisoned no arrows—not they!<br /></span> +<span>They made ready to conquer or fall<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In a totally different way—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">An entirely different way.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>With a crimson and pearly-white dye<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They endeavored to make themselves fair,<br /></span> +<span>With black they encircled each eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And with yellow they painted their hair<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(It was wool, but they thought it was hair).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And the forces they met in the field—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the men of King Borria said,<br /></span> +<span>"Amazonians, immediately yield!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And their arrows they drew to the head,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Yes, drew them right up to the head.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But jocular Waggety-Weh,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong)<br /></span> +<span>And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You naughty old dear, go along!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a> +<span>And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan;<br /></span> +<span>And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said "Pish, go away, you bad man!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Go away, you delightful young man!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And the Amazons simpered and sighed,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed,<br /></span> +<span>And they opened their pretty eyes wide,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(At least, if they could, they'd have blushed).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said, "Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean?"<br /></span> +<span>And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Said, "They think us uncommonly green,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Ha! ha! most uncommonly green!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was insensible quite to their leers<br /></span> +<span>And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"It's your blood we desire, pretty dears—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">We have come for our dinners, my dears!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a> +<span>And the Queen of the Amazons fell<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To Borria Bungalee Boo,<br /></span> +<span>In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-Loo.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah,<br /></span> +<span>And light-hearted Waggety-Weh<br /></span> +<span class="i1">By dismal Alack-a-Deh-Ah—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Despairing Alack-a-Deh-Ah.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh,<br /></span> +<span>And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah<br /></span> +<span class="i1">By good little Tootle-Tum-Teh—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TROUBADOUR" id="THE_TROUBADOUR"></a><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48" ></a>THE TROUBADOUR.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>A troubadour he played<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Without a castle wall,<br /></span> +<span>Within, a hapless maid<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Responded to his call.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, willow, woe is me!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Alack and well-a-day!<br /></span> +<span>If I were only free<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'd hie me far away!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Unknown her face and name,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But this he knew right well,<br /></span> +<span>The maiden's wailing came<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From out a dungeon cell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A hapless woman lay<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Within that dungeon grim—<br /></span> +<span>That fact, I've heard him say.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was quite enough for him.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a> +<span>"I will not sit or lie,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or eat or drink, I vow.<br /></span> +<span>Till thou art free as I,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or I as pent as thou."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Her tears then ceased to flow,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her wails no longer rang,<br /></span> +<span>And tuneful in her woe<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The prisoned maiden sang:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, stranger, as you play<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I recognize your touch;<br /></span> +<span>And all that I can say<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is, thank you very much."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He seized his clarion straight,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And blew thereat, until<br /></span> +<span>A warden oped the gate,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, what might be your will?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I've come, sir knave, to see<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The master of these halls:<br /></span> +<span>A maid unwillingly<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Lies prisoned in their walls."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a> +<span>With barely stifled sigh<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That porter drooped his head,<br /></span> +<span>With teardrops in his eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"A many, sir," he said.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He stayed to hear no more,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But pushed that porter by,<br /></span> +<span>And shortly stood before<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sir Hugh he darkly frowned,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"What would you, sir, with me?"<br /></span> +<span>The troubadour he downed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Upon his bended knee.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I've come, De Peckham Rye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To do a Christian task;<br /></span> +<span>You ask me what would I?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">It is not much I ask.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Release these maidens, sir,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Whom you dominion o'er—<br /></span> +<span>Particularly her<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Upon the second floor.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a> +<span>"And if you don't, my lord"—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He here stood bolt upright,<br /></span> +<span>And tapped a tailor's sword—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Come out, you cad, and fight!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sir Hugh he called—and ran<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The warden from the gate:<br /></span> +<span>"Go, show this gentleman<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The maid in forty-eight."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>By many a cell they past,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And stopped at length before<br /></span> +<span>A portal, bolted fast:<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The man unlocked the door.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He called inside the gate<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With coarse and brutal shout,<br /></span> +<span>"Come, step it, Forty-eight!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Forty-eight stepped out.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"They gets it pretty hot,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The maidens what we cotch—<br /></span> +<span>Two years this lady's got<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For collaring a wotch."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a> +<span>"Oh, ah!—indeed—I see,"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The troubadour exclaimed—<br /></span> +<span>"If I may make so free,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">How is this castle named?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The warden's eyelids fill,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And sighing, he replied,<br /></span> +<span>"Of gloomy Pentonville<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This is the female side!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The minstrel did not wait<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The warden stout to thank,<br /></span> +<span>But recollected straight<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He'd business at the Bank.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_FORCE_OF_ARGUMENT" id="THE_FORCE_OF_ARGUMENT"></a><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53" ></a>THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Lord B. was a nobleman bold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who came of illustrious stocks,<br /></span> +<span>He was thirty or forty years old,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And several feet in his socks.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This elegant nobleman went,<br /></span> +<span>For that was a borough that he<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At local assemblies he danced<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Until he felt thoroughly ill—<br /></span> +<span>He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And threaded the mazy quadrille.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The maidens of Turniptopville<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Were simple—ingenuous—pure—<br /></span> +<span>And they all worked away with a will<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The nobleman's heart to secure.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a> +<span>Two maidens all others beyond<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Imagined their chances looked well—<br /></span> +<span>The one was the lively Ann Pond,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The other sad Mary Morell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Ann Pond had determined to try<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And carry the Earl with a rush.<br /></span> +<span>Her principal feature was eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her greatest accomplishment—gush.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And Mary chose this for her play,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Whenever he looked in her eye<br /></span> +<span>She'd blush and turn quickly away,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And flitter and flutter and sigh.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>It was noticed he constantly sighed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As she worked out the scheme she had planned—<br /></span> +<span>A fact he endeavored to hide<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With his aristocratical hand.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Old Pond was a farmer, they say,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And so was old Tommy Morell,<br /></span> +<span>In a humble and pottering way<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They were doing exceedingly well.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a> +<span>They both of them carried by vote<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Earl was a dangerous man,<br /></span> +<span>So nervously clearing his throat,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">One morning old Tommy began:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"My darter's no pratty young doll—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man—<br /></span> +<span>Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And what do 'ee mean by his Ann?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Said B., "I will give you my bond<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I mean them uncommonly well,<br /></span> +<span>Believe me, my excellent Pond,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And credit me, worthy Morell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"It's quite indisputable, for<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'll prove it with singular ease,<br /></span> +<span>You shall have it in 'Barbara' or<br /></span> +<span class="i1">'Celarent'—whichever you please.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"You see, when an anchorite bows<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To the yoke of intentional sin—<br /></span> +<span>If the state of the country allows,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Homogeny always steps in.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a> +<span>"It's a highly æsthetical bond,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As any mere ploughboy can tell"—<br /></span> +<span>"Of course," replied puzzled old Pond.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"I see," said old Tommy Morell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Very good then," continued the lord,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"When its fooled to the top of its bent,<br /></span> +<span>With a sweep of a Damocles sword<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The web of intention is rent.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"That's patent to all of us here,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As any mere schoolboy can tell."<br /></span> +<span>Pond answered, "Of course it's quite clear;"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And so did that humbug Morell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"It's tone esoteric in force—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I trust that I make myself clear?"—<br /></span> +<span>Morell only answered "Of course,"—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">While Pond slowly muttered, "Hear, hear."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Volition—celestial prize,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Pellucid as porphyry cell—<br /></span> +<span>Is based on a principle wise."<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a> +<span>"From what I have said, you will see<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That I couldn't wed either—in fine,<br /></span> +<span>By nature's unchanging decree<br /></span> +<span class="i1"><i>Your</i> daughters could never be <i>mine</i>.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Go home to your pigs and your ricks,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My hands of the matter I've rinsed."<br /></span> +<span>So they take up their hats and their sticks,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And <i>exeunt ambo</i>, convinced.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" ><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a> +<img src="images/060.png" width="317" height="400" alt="Drawing of a woman" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="ONLY_A_DANCING_GIRL" id="ONLY_A_DANCING_GIRL"></a>ONLY A DANCING GIRL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Only a dancing girl,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With an unromantic style,<br /></span> +<span>With borrowed color and curl,<br /></span><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a> +<span class="i1">With fixed mechanical smile,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With many a hackneyed wile,<br /></span> +<span>With ungrammatical lips,<br /></span> +<span>And corns that mar her trips!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Hung from the "flies" in air,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">She acts a palpable lie,<br /></span> +<span>She's as little a fairy there<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As unpoetical I!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I hear you asking, Why—<br /></span> +<span>Why in the world I sing<br /></span> +<span>This tawdry, tinselled thing?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>No airy fairy she,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As she hangs in arsenic green,<br /></span> +<span>From a highly impossible tree,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In a highly impossible scene<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Herself not over clean).<br /></span> +<span>For fays don't suffer, I'm told,<br /></span> +<span>From bunions, coughs, or cold.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And stately dames that bring<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Their daughters there to see,<br /></span> +<span>Pronounce the "dancing thing"<br /></span><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a> +<span class="i1">No better than she should be.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With her skirt at her shameful knee,<br /></span> +<span>And her painted, tainted phiz:<br /></span> +<span>Ah, matron, which of us is?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>(And, in sooth, it oft occurs<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That while these matrons sigh,<br /></span> +<span>Their dresses are lower than hers,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And sometimes half as high;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And their hair is hair they buy,<br /></span> +<span>And they use their glasses, too,<br /></span> +<span>In a way she'd blush to do.)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But change her gold and green<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For a coarse merino gown,<br /></span> +<span>And see her upon the scene<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of her home, when coaxing down<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her drunken father's frown,<br /></span> +<span>In his squalid, cheerless den:<br /></span> +<span>She's a fairy truly, then!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_SENSATION_CAPTAIN" id="THE_SENSATION_CAPTAIN"></a><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61" ></a>THE SENSATION CAPTAIN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>No nobler captain ever trod<br /></span> +<span>Than Captain Parklebury Todd,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So good—so wise—so brave, he!<br /></span> +<span>But still, as all his friends would own,<br /></span> +<span>He had one folly—one alone—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This Captain in the Navy.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I do not think I ever knew<br /></span> +<span>A man so wholly given to<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Creating a sensation;<br /></span> +<span>Or p'r'aps I should in justice say—<br /></span> +<span>To what in an Adelphi play<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is known as "Situation."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He passed his time designing traps<br /></span> +<span>To flurry unsuspicious chaps—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The taste was his innately—<br /></span> +<span>He couldn't walk into a room<br /></span> +<span>Without ejaculating "Boom!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which startled ladies greatly.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a> +<span>He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak,<br /></span> +<span>Not, you will understand, in joke,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As some assume disguises.<br /></span> +<span>He did it, actuated by<br /></span> +<span>A simple love of mystery<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And fondness for surprises.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I need not say he loved a maid—<br /></span> +<span>His eloquence threw into shade<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All others who adored her:<br /></span> +<span>The maid, though pleased at first, I know,<br /></span> +<span>Found, after several years or so,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her startling lover bored her.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>So, when his orders came to sail,<br /></span> +<span>She did not faint or scream or wail,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or with her tears anoint him.<br /></span> +<span>She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye;"<br /></span> +<span>With laughter dancing in her eye—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which seemed to disappoint him.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But ere he went aboard his boat<br /></span> +<span>He placed around her little throat<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A ribbon blue and yellow,<br /></span> +<span>On which he hung a double tooth—<br /></span> +<span>A simple token this, in sooth—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">'Twas all he had, poor fellow!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></a> +<span>"I often wonder," he would say,<br /></span> +<span>When very, very far away,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"If Angelina wears it!<br /></span> +<span>A plan has entered in my head,<br /></span> +<span>I will pretend that I am dead,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And see how Angy bears it!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The news he made a messmate tell:<br /></span> +<span>His Angelina bore it well,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No sign gave she of crazing;<br /></span> +<span>But, steady as the Inchcape rock<br /></span> +<span>His Angelina stood the shock<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With fortitude amazing.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>She said, "Some one I must elect<br /></span> +<span>Poor Angelina to protect<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From all who wish to harm her.<br /></span> +<span>Since worthy Captain Todd is dead<br /></span> +<span>I rather feel inclined to wed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A comfortable farmer."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A comfortable farmer came<br /></span> +<span>(Bassanio Tyler was his name)<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who had no end of treasure:<br /></span> +<span>He said, "My noble gal, be mine!"<br /></span> +<span>The noble gal did not decline,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But simply said, "With pleasure."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a> +<span>When this was told to Captain Todd,<br /></span> +<span>At first he thought it rather odd,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And felt some perturbation;<br /></span> +<span>But very long he did not grieve,<br /></span> +<span>He thought he could a way perceive<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To <i>such</i> a situation!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I'll not reveal myself," said he,<br /></span> +<span>"Till they are both in the Eccle-<br /></span> +<span class="i1">siastical Arena;<br /></span> +<span>Then suddenly I will appear,<br /></span> +<span>And paralyzing them with fear,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Demand my Angelina!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At length arrived the wedding day—<br /></span> +<span>Accoutred in the usual way<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Appeared the bridal body—<br /></span> +<span>The worthy clergyman began,<br /></span> +<span>When in the gallant captain ran<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And cried, "Behold your Toddy!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The bridegroom, p'r'aps, was terrified,<br /></span> +<span>And also possibly the bride—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The bridesmaids <i>were</i> affrighted;<br /></span> +<span>But Angelina, noble soul,<br /></span> +<span>Contrived her feelings to control,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And really seemed delighted.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a> +<span>"My bride!" said gallant Captain Todd,<br /></span> +<span>"She's mine, uninteresting clod,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My own, my darling charmer!"<br /></span> +<span>"Oh, dear," said she, "you're just too late,<br /></span> +<span>I'm married to, I beg to state,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This comfortable farmer!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mine,<br /></span> +<span>You've been and cut it far too fine!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"I see," said Todd, "I'm beaten."<br /></span> +<span>And so he went to sea once more,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Sensation" he for aye forswore,<br /></span> +<span>And married on her native shore<br /></span> +<span>A lady whom he'd met before—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A lovely Otaheitan.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_PERIWINKLE_GIRL" id="THE_PERIWINKLE_GIRL"></a><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66" ></a>THE PERIWINKLE GIRL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I've often thought that headstrong youths,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of decent education,<br /></span> +<span>Determine all-important truths<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With strange precipitation.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The over-ready victims they,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of logical illusions,<br /></span> +<span>And in a self-assertive way<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They jump at strange conclusions.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Now take my case: Ere sorrow could<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My ample forehead wrinkle,<br /></span> +<span>I had determined that I would<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Not like to be a winkle.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"A winkle," I would oft advance<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With readiness provoking,<br /></span> +<span>"Can seldom flirt, and never dance<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or soothe his mind by smoking."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a> +<span>In short, I spurned the shelly joy,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And spoke with strange decision—<br /></span> +<span>Men pointed to me as a boy<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who held them in derision.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But I was young—too young, by far—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or I had been more wary,<br /></span> +<span>I knew not then that winkles are<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The stock-in-trade of Mary.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I had not seen her sunlight blithe<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As o'er their shells it dances,<br /></span> +<span>I've seen those winkles almost writhe<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Beneath her beaming glances.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Of slighting all the winkly brood<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I surely had been chary,<br /></span> +<span>If I had known they formed the food<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And stock-in-trade of Mary.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Both high and low and great and small<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Fell prostrate at her tootsies,<br /></span> +<span>They all were noblemen, and all<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Had balances at Coutts's.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a> +<span>Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy,<br /></span> +<span>Who eat her winkles till they felt<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Exceedingly uncomfy.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And sticks, they say, at no-thing.<br /></span> +<span>He wears a pair of golden boots<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And silver underclothing.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Duke Humphy, as I understand.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though mentally acuter,<br /></span> +<span>His boots are only silver, and<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His underclothing pewter.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A third adorer had the girl,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A man of lowly station—<br /></span> +<span>A miserable grov'ling earl<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Besought her approbation.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>This humble cad she did refuse<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With much contempt and loathing;<br /></span> +<span>He wore a pair of leather shoes<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And cambric underclothing!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a> +<span>"Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my word!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Well, really—come, I never!<br /></span> +<span>Oh, go along, it's too absurd!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My goodness! Did you ever?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Two dukes would make their Bowles a bride,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And from her foes defend her"—<br /></span> +<span>"Well, not exactly that," they cried,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"We offer guilty splendor.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"We do not offer marriage rite,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So please dismiss the notion!"<br /></span> +<span>"Oh, dear," said she, "that alters quite<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The state of my emotion."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The earl he up and says, says he,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Dismiss them to their orgies,<br /></span> +<span>For I am game to marry thee<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Quite reg'lar at St. George's."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He'd had, it happily befell,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A decent education;<br /></span> +<span>His views would have befitted well<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A far superior station.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a> +<span>His sterling worth had worked a cure,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">She never heard him grumble;<br /></span> +<span>She saw his soul was good and pure<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Although his rank was humble.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Her views of earldoms and their lot,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All underwent expansion;<br /></span> +<span>Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Go, Vice in ducal mansion!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BOB_POLTER" id="BOB_POLTER"></a><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71" ></a>BOB POLTER.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Bob Polter was a navvy, and<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His hands were coarse, and dirty too,<br /></span> +<span>His homely face was rough and tanned,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His time of life was thirty-two.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He lived among a working clan<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(A wife he hadn't got at all),<br /></span> +<span>A decent, steady, sober man—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No saint, however—not at all.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He smoked, but in a modest way,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Because he thought he needed it;<br /></span> +<span>He drank a pot of beer a day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And sometimes he exceeded it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At times he'd pass with other men<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A loud convivial night or two,<br /></span> +<span>With, very likely, now and then,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">On Saturdays, a fight or two.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a> +<span>But still he was a sober soul,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A labor-never-shirking man,<br /></span> +<span>Who paid his way—upon the whole<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A decent English working man.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>One day, when at the Nelson's Head,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(For which he may be blamed of you)<br /></span> +<span>A holy man appeared and said,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He laid his hand on Robert's beer<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Before he could drink up any,<br /></span> +<span>And on the floor, with sigh and tear,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He poured the pot of "thruppenny."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, Robert, at this very bar,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A truth you'll be discovering,<br /></span> +<span>A good and evil genius are<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Around your noddle hovering.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"They both are here to bid you shun<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The other one's society,<br /></span> +<span>For Total Abstinence is one,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The other Inebriety."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a> +<span>He waved his hand—a vapor came—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A wizard, Polter reckoned him:<br /></span> +<span>A bogy rose and called his name,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And with his finger beckoned him.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The monster's salient points to sum,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His heavy breath was portery;<br /></span> +<span>His glowing nose suggested rum;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His eyes were gin-and-wortery.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His dress was torn—for dregs of ale<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And slops of gin had rusted it;<br /></span> +<span>His pimpled face was wan and pale,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Where filth had not encrusted it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Come, Polter," said the fiend, "begin,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And keep the bowl a-flowing on—<br /></span> +<span>A working-man needs pints of gin<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To keep his clockwork going on."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Bob shuddered: "Ah, you've made a miss,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If you take me for one of you—<br /></span> +<span>You filthy beast, get out of this—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Bob Polter don't want none of you."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></a> +<span>The demon gave a drunken shriek<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And crept away in stealthiness,<br /></span> +<span>And lo, instead, a person sleek<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who seemed to burst with healthiness.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"In me, as your advisor hints,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of Abstinence you have got a type—<br /></span> +<span>Of Mr. Tweedle's pretty prints<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I am the happy prototype.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"If you abjure the social toast,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And pipes, and such frivolities,<br /></span> +<span>You possibly some day may boast<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My prepossessing qualities!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"You almost make me tremble, you!<br /></span> +<span>If I abjure fermented drink,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Shall I, indeed, resemble you?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"And will my whiskers curl so tight?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My cheeks grow smug and muttony?<br /></span> +<span>My face become so red and white?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My coat so blue and buttony?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a> +<span>"Will trousers, such as yours, array<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Extremities inferior?<br /></span> +<span>Will chubbiness assert its sway<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All over my exterior?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"In this, my unenlightened state,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To work in heavy boots I comes,<br /></span> +<span>Will pumps henceforward decorate<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My tiddle toddle tootsicums?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"And shall I get so plump and fresh,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And look no longer seedily?<br /></span> +<span>My skin will henceforth fit my flesh<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So tightly and so Tweedie-ly?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The phantom said, "You'll have all this,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You'll know no kind of huffiness,<br /></span> +<span>Your life will be one chubby bliss,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">One long unruffled puffiness!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Be off!" said irritated Bob.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Why come you here to bother one?<br /></span> +<span>You pharisaical old snob,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You're wuss almost than t'other one!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a> +<span>"I takes my pipe—I takes my pot,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And drunk I'm never seen to be:<br /></span> +<span>I'm no teetotaller or sot,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And as I am I mean to be!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" ><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a> +<img src="images/079.png" width="273" height="400" alt="Cartoon" title="" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="GENTLE_ALICE_BROWN" id="GENTLE_ALICE_BROWN"></a>GENTLE ALICE BROWN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown;<br /></span> +<span>Her father was the terror of a small Italian town;<br /></span> +<span>Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing;<br /></span> +<span>But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></a> +<span>As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day,<br /></span> +<span>A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way;<br /></span> +<span>She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true,<br /></span> +<span>That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen,<br /></span> +<span>She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten,<br /></span> +<span>A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road<br /></span> +<span>(The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise<br /></span> +<span>To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes;<br /></span> +<span>So she sought the village priest, to whom her family confessed,<br /></span> +<span>The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a> +<span>"Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not?<br /></span> +<span>To discover that I was a most disreputable lot!<br /></span> +<span>Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!"<br /></span> +<span>The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad,<br /></span> +<span>I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad,<br /></span> +<span>I've planned a little burglary and forged a little check,<br /></span> +<span>And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The worthy pastor heaved a sigh and dropped a silent tear—<br /></span> +<span>And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear—<br /></span> +<span>It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece:<br /></span> +<span>But sins like that one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a> +<span>"Girls will be girls—you're very young, and flighty in your mind;<br /></span> +<span>Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find;<br /></span> +<span>We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks—<br /></span> +<span>Let's see—five crimes at half-a-crown—exactly twelve-and-six."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep,<br /></span> +<span>You do these little things for me so singularly cheap—<br /></span> +<span>Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget;<br /></span> +<span>But, O, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes,<br /></span> +<span>I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies:<br /></span> +<span>He passes by it every day as certain as can be—<br /></span> +<span>I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></a> +<span>"For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word<br /></span> +<span>This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard.<br /></span> +<span>Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand<br /></span> +<span>To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so!<br /></span> +<span>They are the most remunerative customers I know;<br /></span> +<span>For many years they've kept starvation from my doors,<br /></span> +<span>I never knew so criminal a family as yours!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood<br /></span> +<span>Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good;<br /></span> +<span>And if you marry any one respectable at all,<br /></span> +<span>Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82"></a> +<span>The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown,<br /></span> +<span>And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown;<br /></span> +<span>To tell him how his daughter, who now was for marriage fit,<br /></span> +<span>Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well,<br /></span> +<span>He said "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell;<br /></span> +<span>I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits,<br /></span> +<span>And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two,<br /></span> +<span>Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do—<br /></span> +<span>A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall<br /></span> +<span>When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a> +<span>He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square;<br /></span> +<span>He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware;<br /></span> +<span>He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head,<br /></span> +<span>And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind,<br /></span> +<span>She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind,<br /></span> +<span>Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand<br /></span> +<span>On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BEN_ALLAH_ACHMET" id="BEN_ALLAH_ACHMET"></a><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84" ></a>BEN ALLAH ACHMET;</h2> + +<h3>OR, THE FATAL TUM.</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I once did know a Turkish man<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Whom I upon a two-pair-back met,<br /></span> +<span>His name it was Effendi Khan<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>A Doctor Brown I also knew—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've often eaten of his bounty—<br /></span> +<span>The Turk and he they lived at Hooe,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In Sussex, that delightful county.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I knew a nice young lady there,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Her name was Isabella Sherson,<br /></span> +<span>And though she wore another's hair,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">She was an interesting person.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The Turk adored the maid of Hooe<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Although his harem would have shocked her);<br /></span> +<span>But Brown adored that maiden, too:<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He was a most seductive doctor.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a> +<span>They'd follow her where'er she'd go—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A course of action most improper;<br /></span> +<span>She neither knew by sight, and so<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For neither of them cared a copper.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Brown did not know that Turkish male,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He might have been his sainted mother:<br /></span> +<span>The people in this simple tale<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Are total strangers to each other.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>One day that Turk he sickened sore<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which threw him straight into a sharp pet;<br /></span> +<span>He threw himself upon the floor<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And rolled about upon his—carpet.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>It made him moan—it made him groan<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And almost wore him to a mummy:<br /></span> +<span>Why should I hesitate to own<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That pain was in his little tummy?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At length a Doctor came and rung<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(As Allah Achmet had desired)<br /></span> +<span>Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And hummed and hawed, and then inquired:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a> +<span>"Where is the pain, that long has preyed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Upon you in so sad a way, sir?"<br /></span> +<span>The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"I don't exactly like to say, sir."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Come, nonsense!" said good Doctor Brown,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"So this is Turkish coyness, is it?<br /></span> +<span>You must contrive to fight it down—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Come, come, sir, please to be explicit."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The Turk he shyly bit his thumb,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And coyly blushed like one half-witted,<br /></span> +<span>"The pain is in my little tum,"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He, whispering, at length admitted.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Then take you this, and take you that—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Your blood flows sluggish in its channel—<br /></span> +<span>You must get rid of all this fat,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And wear my medicated flannel.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"You'll send for me, when you're in need—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My name is Brown—your life I've saved it!"<br /></span> +<span>"My rival!" shrieked the invalid,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And drew a mighty sword and waved it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a> +<span>"This to thy weazand, Christian pest!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it,<br /></span> +<span>And drove right through the Doctor's chest<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The sabre and the hand that held it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The blow was a decisive one,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty—<br /></span> +<span>"Now see the mischief that you've done,—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You Turks are so extremely hasty.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe,<br /></span> +<span class="i1"><i>He's</i> short and stout—<i>I'm</i> tall and wizen;<br /></span> +<span>You've been and run the wrong one through,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That's how the error has arisen."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The accident was thus explained,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Apologies were only heard now:<br /></span> +<span>"At my mistake I'm really pained,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I am, indeed, upon my word now."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>"With me, sir, you shall be interred,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A Mausoleum grand awaits me"—<br /></span> +<span>"Oh, pray don't say another word,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm sure that more than compensates me.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a> +<span>"But, p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"There's room," said he, "for any number."<br /></span> +<span>And so they laid them down and died.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SONGS_OF_A_SAVOYARD" id="SONGS_OF_A_SAVOYARD"></a><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89" ></a>SONGS OF A SAVOYARD</h2> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></a><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a> +<img src="images/093.png" width="632" height="300" alt="Drawing" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_ENGLISHMAN" id="THE_ENGLISHMAN"></a>THE ENGLISHMAN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>He is an Englishman!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For he himself has said it,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And it's greatly to his credit,<br /></span> +<span>That he is an Englishman!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For he might have been a Roosian,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A French, or Turk, or Proosian,<br /></span> +<span>Or perhaps Itali-an!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But in spite of all temptations,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To belong to other nations,<br /></span> +<span>He remains an Englishman!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hurrah!<br /></span> +<span>For the true born Englishman!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_DISAGREEABLE_MAN" id="THE_DISAGREEABLE_MAN"></a><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92" ></a>THE DISAGREEABLE MAN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:<br /></span> +<span>I'm a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham.<br /></span> +<span>Each little fault of temper and each social defect<br /></span> +<span>In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.<br /></span> +<span>To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes<br /></span> +<span>And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;<br /></span> +<span>I love my fellow creatures—I do all the good I can—<br /></span> +<span>Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And I can't think why!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;<br /></span> +<span>And vanity I always do my best to mortify;<br /></span> +<span>A charitable action I can skilfully dissect:<br /></span> +<span>And interested motives I'm delighted to detect.<br /></span><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a> +<span>I know everybody's income and what everybody earns,<br /></span> +<span>And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns;<br /></span> +<span>But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,<br /></span> +<span>Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And I can't think why!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be;<br /></span> +<span>You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;<br /></span> +<span>I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer;<br /></span> +<span>I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer;<br /></span> +<span>To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;<br /></span> +<span>I can tell a woman's age in half a minute—and I do—<br /></span> +<span>But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,<br /></span> +<span>Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And I can't think why!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_MODERN_MAJOR_GENERAL" id="THE_MODERN_MAJOR_GENERAL"></a><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94" ></a>THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral.<br /></span> +<span>I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral;<br /></span> +<span>I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,<br /></span> +<span>From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;<br /></span> +<span>I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,<br /></span> +<span>I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,<br /></span> +<span>About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,<br /></span> +<span>With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.<br /></span> +<span>I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,<br /></span> +<span>I know the scientific names of beings animalculous,<br /></span> +<span>In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,<br /></span> +<span>I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></a> +<span>I know our mythic history—King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's,<br /></span> +<span>I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,<br /></span> +<span>I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,<br /></span> +<span>In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous.<br /></span> +<span>I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,<br /></span> +<span>I know the croaking chorus from the "Frogs" of Aristophanes,<br /></span> +<span>Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,<br /></span> +<span>And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore."<br /></span> +<span>Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,<br /></span> +<span>And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform.<br /></span> +<span>In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,<br /></span> +<span>I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>In fact when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin,"<br /></span> +<span>When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin,<br /></span><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a> +<span>When such affairs as <i>sorties</i> and surprises I'm more wary at,<br /></span> +<span>And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat,<br /></span> +<span>When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery,<br /></span> +<span>When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery,<br /></span> +<span>In short when I've a smattering of elementary strategy,<br /></span> +<span>You'll say a better Major-Gener<i>al</i> has never <i>sat</i> a gee—<br /></span> +<span>For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,<br /></span> +<span>Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century,<br /></span> +<span>But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral,<br /></span> +<span>I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_HEAVY_DRAGOON" id="THE_HEAVY_DRAGOON"></a><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97" ></a>THE HEAVY DRAGOON.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>If you want a receipt for that popular mystery<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,<br /></span> +<span>Take all the remarkable people in history,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Rattle them off to a popular tune!<br /></span> +<span>The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the <i>Victory</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Genius of Bismarck devising a plan;<br /></span> +<span>The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Coolness of Paget about to trepan—<br /></span> +<span>The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne—<br /></span> +<span>The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man—<br /></span> +<span>The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery—<br /></span> +<span>Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray<br /></span><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a> +<span>Victor Emmanuel—peak-haunting Peveril—<br /></span> +<span>Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Tupper and Tennyson—Daniel Defoe—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Take of these elements all that are fusible,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Set them to simmer and take off the scum,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)—<br /></span> +<span>The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban—<br /></span> +<span>A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan—<br /></span> +<span>The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Grace of an Odalisque on a divan—<br /></span> +<span>The genius strategic of Cæsar or Hannibal—<br /></span> +<span>Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal<br /></span><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></a> +<span>Flavor of Hamlet—the Stranger, a touch of him—<br /></span> +<span>Little of Manfred, (but not very much of him)—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Beadle of Burlington—Richardson's show;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Take of these elements all that are fusible,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Set them to simmer and take off the scum,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ONLY_ROSES" id="ONLY_ROSES"></a><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100" ></a>ONLY ROSES!</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>To a garden full of posies<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Cometh one to gather flowers,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he wanders through its bowers<br /></span> +<span>Toying with the wanton roses,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who, uprising from their beds,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hold on high their shameless heads<br /></span> +<span>With their pretty lips a-pouting,<br /></span> +<span>Never doubting—never doubting<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That for Cytherean posies<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He would gather aught but roses!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>In a nest of weeds and nettles,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Lay a violet, half hidden,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hoping that his glance unbidden<br /></span> +<span>Yet might fall upon her petals,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though she lived alone, apart,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hope lay nestling at her heart,<br /></span> +<span>But, alas! the cruel awaking<br /></span> +<span>Set her little heart a-breaking,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For he gathered for his posies<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Only roses—only roses!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THEYLL_NONE_OF_EM_BE_MISSED" id="THEYLL_NONE_OF_EM_BE_MISSED"></a><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101" ></a>THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've got a little list—I've got a little list<br /></span> +<span>Of social offenders who might well be underground,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And who never would be missed—who never would be missed!<br /></span> +<span>There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs—<br /></span> +<span>All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs—<br /></span> +<span>All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat—<br /></span> +<span>All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like <i>that</i>—<br /></span> +<span>And all third persons who on spoiling <i>tete-a-tetes</i> insist—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And the piano organist—I've got him on the list!<br /></span><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a> +<span>And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They never would be missed—they never would be missed!<br /></span> +<span>Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,<br /></span> +<span>All centuries but this, and every country but his own;<br /></span> +<span>And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,<br /></span> +<span>And who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try;<br /></span> +<span>And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I don't think she'd be missed—I'm <i>sure</i> she'd not be missed!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And that <i>Nisi Prius</i> nuisance, who just now is rather rife,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Judicial humorist—I've got <i>him</i> on the list!<br /></span> +<span>All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of them be missed.<br /></span> +<span>And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind,<br /></span><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a> +<span>Such as—What-d'ye-call-him—Thing'em-Bob, and likewise—Never-mind,<br /></span> +<span>And 'St—'st—'st—and What's-his-name, and also—You-know-who—<br /></span> +<span>(The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to <i>you</i>!)<br /></span> +<span>But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a> +<img src="images/103.png" width="434" height="350" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_POLICEMANS_LOT" id="THE_POLICEMANS_LOT"></a>THE POLICEMAN'S LOT.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When a felon's not engaged in his employment<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or maturing his felonious little plans.<br /></span> +<span>His capacity for innocent enjoyment,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is just as great as any honest man's<br /></span> +<span>Our feelings we with difficulty smother<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When constabulary duty's to be done:<br /></span><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a> +<span>Ah, take one consideration with another,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A policeman's lot is not a happy one!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime,<br /></span> +<span>He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And listen to the merry village chime.<br /></span> +<span>When the coster's finished jumping on his mother,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He loves to lie a-basking in the sun:<br /></span> +<span>Ah, take one consideration with another,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The policeman's lot is not a happy one!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="center"> +<img src="images/108.png" width="294" height="350" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="AN_APPEAL" id="AN_APPEAL"></a><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106" ></a>AN APPEAL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh, is there not one maiden breast<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which does not feel the moral beauty<br /></span> +<span>Of making worldly interest<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Subordinate to sense of duly?<br /></span> +<span>Who would not give up willingly<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All matrimonial ambition,<br /></span> +<span>To rescue such a one as I<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From his unfortunate position?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh, is there not one maiden here,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Whose homely face and bad complexion<br /></span> +<span>Have caused all hopes to disappear<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of ever winning man's affection?<br /></span> +<span>To such a one, if such there be,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I swear by Heaven's arch above you,<br /></span> +<span>If you will cast your eyes on me,—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">However plain you be—I'll love you!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="EHEU_FUGACES" id="EHEU_FUGACES"></a><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107" ></a>EHEU FUGACES—!</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>The air is charged with amatory numbers—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays.<br /></span> +<span>Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The aching memory of the old, old days?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Time was when Love and I were well acquainted.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Time was when we walked ever hand in hand;<br /></span> +<span>A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">None better-loved than I in all the land!<br /></span> +<span>Time was, when maidens of the noblest station,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Forsaking even military men,<br /></span> +<span>Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Ah, me, I was a fair young curate then!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear;<br /></span> +<span>Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And when I coughed all thought the end was near!<br /></span><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a> +<span>I, had no care—no jealous doubts hung o'er me—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For I was loved beyond all other men.<br /></span> +<span>Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Ah, me! I was a pale young curate then!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_RECIPE" id="A_RECIPE"></a><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109" ></a>A RECIPE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Take a pair of sparkling eyes,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hidden, ever and anon,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a merciful eclipse—<br /></span> +<span>Do not heed their mild surprise—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Having passed the Rubicon.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Take a pair of rosy lips;<br /></span> +<span>Take a figure trimly planned—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Such as admiration whets<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(Be particular in this);<br /></span> +<span>Take a tender little hand,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Fringed with dainty fingerettes,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Press it—in parenthesis;—<br /></span> +<span>Take all these, you lucky man—<br /></span> +<span>Take and keep them, if you can.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Take a pretty little cot—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Quite a miniature affair—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hung about with trellised vine,<br /></span> +<span>Furnish it upon the spot<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With the treasures rich and rare<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I've endeavored to define.<br /></span> +<span>Live to love and love to live<br /></span><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a> +<span class="i1">You will ripen at your ease,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Growing on the sunny side—<br /></span> +<span>Fate has nothing more to give.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You're a dainty man to please<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If you are not satisfied.<br /></span> +<span>Take my counsel, happy man:<br /></span> +<span>Act upon it, if you can!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_FIRST_LORDS_SONG" id="THE_FIRST_LORDS_SONG"></a><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111" ></a>THE FIRST LORD'S SONG.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When I was a lad I served a term<br /></span> +<span>As office boy to an Attorney's firm.<br /></span> +<span>I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,<br /></span> +<span>And I polished up the handle of the big front door.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I polished up that handle so successfullee<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>As office boy I made such a mark<br /></span> +<span>That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.<br /></span> +<span>I served the writs with a smile so bland,<br /></span> +<span>And I copied all the letters in a big round hand.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I copied all the letters in a hand so free,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>In serving writs I made such a name<br /></span> +<span>That an articled clerk I soon became;<br /></span> +<span>I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit<br /></span> +<span>For the Pass Examination at the Institute.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And that Pass Examination did so well for me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></a> +<span>Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip<br /></span> +<span>That they took me into the partnership.<br /></span> +<span>And that junior partnership, I ween,<br /></span> +<span>Was the only ship that I ever had seen,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But that kind of ship so suited me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I grew so rich that I was sent<br /></span> +<span>By a pocket borough into Parliament.<br /></span> +<span>I always voted at my party's call,<br /></span> +<span>And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I thought so little, they rewarded me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be,<br /></span> +<span>If you want to rise to the top of the tree,<br /></span> +<span>If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,<br /></span> +<span>Be careful to be guided by this golden rule—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Stick close to your desks and <i>never go to sea</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WHEN_A_MERRY_MAIDEN_MARRIES" id="WHEN_A_MERRY_MAIDEN_MARRIES"></a><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113" ></a>WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When a merry maiden marries,<br /></span> +<span>Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Every sound becomes a song,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All is right and nothing's wrong!<br /></span> +<span>From to-day and ever after<br /></span> +<span>Let your tears be tears of laughter—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Every sigh that finds a vent<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Be a sigh of sweet content!<br /></span> +<span>When you marry merry maiden,<br /></span> +<span>Then the air with love is laden;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Every flower is a rose,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Every goose becomes a swan,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Every kind of trouble goes<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where the last year's snows have gone!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sunlight takes the place of shade<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When you marry merry maid!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When a merry maiden marries<br /></span> +<span>Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Every sound becomes a song,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All is right, and nothing's wrong.<br /></span><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a> +<span>Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow,<br /></span> +<span>Get ye gone until to-morrow;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Jealousies in grim array,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Ye are things of yesterday!<br /></span> +<span>When you marry merry maiden,<br /></span> +<span>Then the air with joy is laden;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All the corners of the earth<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ring with music sweetly played,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Worry is melodious mirth.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Grief is joy in masquerade;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sullen night is laughing day—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All the year is merry May!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_SUICIDES_GRAVE" id="THE_SUICIDES_GRAVE"></a><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115" ></a>THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>On a tree by the river a little tomtit<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +<span>And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow?'<br /></span> +<span>Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried,<br /></span> +<span>"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"<br /></span> +<span>With a shake of his poor little head he replied,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +<span>And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!<br /></span> +<span>He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,<br /></span> +<span>Then he threw himself into the billowy wave,<br /></span> +<span>And an echo arose from the suicide's grave—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a> +<span>Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow,<br /></span> +<span>That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +<span>And if you remain callous and obdurate, I<br /></span> +<span>Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,<br /></span> +<span>Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HE_AND_SHE" id="HE_AND_SHE"></a><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117" ></a>HE AND SHE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>I know a youth who loves a little maid—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)<br /></span> +<span>Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)<br /></span> +<span>She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">BOTH.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Now tell me pray, and tell me true,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">What in the world should the poor soul do?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>He cannot eat and he cannot sleep—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)<br /></span> +<span>Daily he goes for to wail—for to weep—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>She's very thin and she's very pale—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)<br /></span> +<span>Daily she goes for to weep—for to wail—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></a> +<span class="i2">BOTH.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Now tell me pray, and tell me true,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">What in the world should the poor soul do?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>If I were the youth I should offer her my name—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(For I really do believe that timid youth will die'!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">BOTH.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I thank you much for your counsel true;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've learnt what that poor soul ought to do!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a> +<img src="images/121.png" width="478" height="350" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_LORD_CHANCELLORS_SONG" id="THE_LORD_CHANCELLORS_SONG"></a>THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>The law is the true embodiment<br /></span> +<span>Of everything that's excellent.<br /></span> +<span>It has no kind of fault or flaw,<br /></span> +<span>And I, my lords, embody the Law.<br /></span> +<span>The constitutional guardian I<br /></span> +<span>Of pretty young Wards in Chancery,<br /></span> +<span>All very agreeable girls—and none<br /></span> +<span>Are over the age of twenty-one.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A pleasant occupation for<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A rather susceptible Chancellor!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></a> +<span>But though the compliment implied<br /></span> +<span>Inflates me with legitimate pride,<br /></span> +<span>It nevertheless can't be denied<br /></span> +<span>That it has its inconvenient side.<br /></span> +<span>For I'm not so old, and not so plain,<br /></span> +<span>And I'm quite prepared to marry again,<br /></span> +<span>But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords<br /></span> +<span>If I fell in love with one of my Wards:<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which rather tries my temper, for<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm <i>such</i> a susceptible Chancellor!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And everyone who'd marry a Ward<br /></span> +<span>Must come to me for my accord:<br /></span> +<span>So in my court I sit all day,<br /></span> +<span>Giving agreeable girls away,<br /></span> +<span>With one for him—and one for he—<br /></span> +<span>And one for you—and one for ye—<br /></span> +<span>And one for thou—and one for thee—<br /></span> +<span>But never, oh never a one for me!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which is exasperating, for<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A highly susceptible Chancellor!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WILLOW_WALY" id="WILLOW_WALY"></a><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121" ></a>WILLOW WALY!</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>Prithee, pretty maiden—prithee, tell me true<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!)<br /></span> +<span>Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">I fain would discover<br /></span> +<span class="i3">If you have a lover?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!)<br /></span> +<span>Nobody I care for comes a-courting me—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Nobody I care for<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Comes a-courting—therefore,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">HE.<br /></span> +<span>Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!)<br /></span> +<span>I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee<br /></span><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></a> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Money, I despise it,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">But many people prize it,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">SHE.<br /></span> +<span>Gentle sir, although to marry I design—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!)<br /></span> +<span>As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">To other maidens go you—<br /></span> +<span class="i3">As yet I do not know you,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hey, willow waly O!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_USHERS_CHARGE" id="THE_USHERS_CHARGE"></a><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123" ></a>THE USHER'S CHARGE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—<br /></span> +<span>All kinds of vulgar prejudice<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I pray you set aside:<br /></span> +<span>With stern judicial frame of mind,<br /></span> +<span>From bias free of every kind,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This trial must be tried!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:<br /></span> +<span>Observe the features of her face—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The broken-hearted bride!<br /></span> +<span>Condole with her distress of mind:<br /></span> +<span>From bias free of every kind,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This trial must be tried!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And when amid the plaintiff's shrieks,<br /></span> +<span>The ruffianly defendant speaks—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Upon the other side;<br /></span> +<span>What <i>he</i> may say you needn't mind—<br /></span> +<span>From bias free of every kind,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This trial must be tried!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="KING_GOODHEART" id="KING_GOODHEART"></a><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124" ></a>KING GOODHEART.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>There lived a King, as I've been told,<br /></span> +<span>In the wonder-working days of old,<br /></span> +<span>When hearts were twice as good as gold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And twenty times as mellow.<br /></span> +<span>Good temper triumphed in his face,<br /></span> +<span>And in his heart he found a place<br /></span> +<span>For all the erring human race<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And every wretched fellow.<br /></span> +<span>When he had Rhenish wine to drink<br /></span> +<span>It made him very sad to think<br /></span> +<span>That some, at junket or at jink,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Must be content with toddy.<br /></span> +<span>He wished all men as rich as he<br /></span> +<span>(And he was rich as rich could be),<br /></span> +<span>So to the top of every tree<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Promoted everybody.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Ambassadors cropped up like hay,<br /></span> +<span>Prime Ministers and such as they<br /></span> +<span>Grew like asparagus in May,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And Dukes were three a penny.<br /></span> +<span>Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats.<br /></span> +<span>And Bishops in their shovel hats<br /></span> +<span>Were plentiful as tabby cats—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If possible, too many.<br /></span><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a> +<span>On every side Field-Marshals gleamed,<br /></span> +<span>Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed<br /></span> +<span>With Admirals the ocean teemed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All round his wide dominions;<br /></span> +<span>And Party Leaders you might meet<br /></span> +<span>In twos and threes in every street<br /></span> +<span>Maintaining, with no little heat,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Their various opinions.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>That King, although no one denies<br /></span> +<span>His heart was of abnormal size,<br /></span> +<span>Yet he'd have acted otherwise<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If he had been acuter.<br /></span> +<span>The end is easily foretold,<br /></span> +<span>When every blessed thing you hold<br /></span> +<span>Is made of silver, or of gold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You long for simple pewter.<br /></span> +<span>When you have nothing else to wear<br /></span> +<span>But cloth of gold and satins rare,<br /></span> +<span>For cloth of gold you cease to care—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Up goes the price of shoddy.<br /></span> +<span>In short, whoever you may be,<br /></span> +<span>To this conclusion you'll agree,<br /></span> +<span>When every one is somebodee,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Then no one's anybody!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TANGLED_SKEIN" id="THE_TANGLED_SKEIN"></a><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126" ></a>THE TANGLED SKEIN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Try we life long, we can never<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Straighten out life's tangled skein,<br /></span> +<span>Why should we, in vain endeavor,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Guess and guess and guess again?<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Life's a pudding full of plums;<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Care's a canker that benumbs.<br /></span> +<span>Wherefore waste our elocution<br /></span> +<span>On impossible solution?<br /></span> +<span>Life's a pleasant institution,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Let us take it as it comes!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Set aside the dull enigma,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">We shall guess it all too soon;<br /></span> +<span>Failure brings no kind of stigma—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Dance we to another tune!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">String the lyre and fill the cup,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Lest on sorrow we should sup.<br /></span> +<span>Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,<br /></span> +<span>Hands across and down the middle—<br /></span> +<span>Life's perhaps the only riddle<br /></span> +<span class="i3">That we shrink from giving up!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="GIRL_GRADUATES" id="GIRL_GRADUATES"></a><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127" ></a>GIRL GRADUATES.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>They intend to send a wire<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To the moon;<br /></span> +<span>And they'll set the Thames on fire<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Very soon;<br /></span> +<span>Then they learn to make silk purses<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With their rigs<br /></span> +<span>From the ears of Lady Circe's<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Piggy-wigs.<br /></span> +<span>And weazels at their slumbers<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They'll trepan;<br /></span> +<span>To get sunbeams from cu<i>cum</i>bers<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They've a plan.<br /></span> +<span>They've a firmly rooted notion<br /></span> +<span>They can cross the Polar Ocean,<br /></span> +<span>And they'll find Perpetual Motion<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If they can!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">These are the phenomena<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That every pretty domina<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hopes that we shall see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At this Universitee!<br /></span><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></a> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>As for fashion, they forswear it,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So they say,<br /></span> +<span>And the circle—they will square it<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Some fine day;<br /></span> +<span>Then the little pigs they're teaching<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For to fly;<br /></span> +<span>And the niggers they'll be bleaching<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Bye and bye!<br /></span> +<span>Each newly joined aspirant<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To the clan<br /></span> +<span>Must repudiate the tyrant<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Known as Man;<br /></span> +<span>They mock at him and flout him,<br /></span> +<span>For they do not care about him,<br /></span> +<span>And they're "going to do without him"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If they can!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">These are the phenomena<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That every pretty domina<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hopes that we shall see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At this Universitee!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_APE_AND_THE_LADY" id="THE_APE_AND_THE_LADY"></a><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129" ></a>THE APE AND THE LADY.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>A lady fair, of lineage high,<br /></span> +<span>Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by—<br /></span> +<span>The Maid was radiant as the sun,<br /></span> +<span>The Ape was a most unsightly one—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So it would not do—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His scheme fell through;<br /></span> +<span>For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Expressed such terror<br /></span> +<span class="i1">At his monstrous error,<br /></span> +<span>That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape,<br /></span> +<span>The picture of a disconcerted Ape.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>With a view to rise in the social scale,<br /></span> +<span>He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail,<br /></span> +<span>He grew moustachios, and he took his tub,<br /></span> +<span>And he paid a guinea to a toilet club.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But it would not do,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The scheme fell through—<br /></span> +<span>For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With golden tresses,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Like a real princess's,<br /></span> +<span>While the Ape, despite his razor keen,<br /></span> +<span>Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a> +<span>He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,<br /></span> +<span>He crammed his feet into bright tight boots,<br /></span> +<span>And to start his life on a brand-new plan,<br /></span> +<span>He christened himself Darwinian Man!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But it would not do.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The scheme fell through—<br /></span> +<span>For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Was a radiant Being,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With a brain far-seeing—<br /></span> +<span>While a Man, however well-behaved,<br /></span> +<span>At best is only a monkey shaved!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SANS_SOUCI" id="SANS_SOUCI"></a><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131" ></a>SANS SOUCI</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I cannot tell what this love may be<br /></span> +<span>That cometh to all but not to me.<br /></span> +<span>It cannot be kind as they'd imply,<br /></span> +<span>Or why do these gentle ladies sigh?<br /></span> +<span>It cannot be joy and rapture deep,<br /></span> +<span>Or why do these gentle ladies weep?<br /></span> +<span>It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said,<br /></span> +<span>Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>If love is a thorn, they show no wit<br /></span> +<span>Who foolishly hug and foster it.<br /></span> +<span>If love is a weed, how simple they<br /></span> +<span>Who gather and gather it, day by day!<br /></span> +<span>If love is a nettle that makes you smart,<br /></span> +<span>Why do you wear it next your heart?<br /></span> +<span>And if it be neither of these, say I,<br /></span> +<span>Why do you sit and sob and sigh?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BRITISH_TAR" id="THE_BRITISH_TAR"></a><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132" ></a>THE BRITISH TAR.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>A British tar is a soaring soul,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As free as a mountain bird,<br /></span> +<span>His energetic fist should be ready to resist<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A dictatorial word<br /></span> +<span>His nose should pant and his lips should curl,<br /></span> +<span>His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl,<br /></span> +<span>His bosom should heave and his heart should glow,<br /></span> +<span>And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>His eyes should flash with an inborn fire,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His brow with scorn be rung;<br /></span> +<span>He never should bow down to a domineering frown,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or the tang of a tyrant tongue.<br /></span> +<span>His foot should stamp and his throat should growl,<br /></span> +<span>His hair should twirl and his face should scowl:<br /></span> +<span>His eyes should flash and his breast protrude,<br /></span> +<span>And this should be his customary attitude!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133"></a> +<img src="images/135.png" width="188" height="350" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_COMING_BYE_AND_BYE" id="THE_COMING_BYE_AND_BYE"></a>THE COMING BYE AND BYE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,<br /></span> +<span>Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear;<br /></span> +<span>As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,<br /></span> +<span>Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!"<br /></span><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a> +<span>Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings,<br /></span> +<span>To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well saved "combings"—<br /></span> +<span>Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey,<br /></span> +<span>To "make up" for lost time, as best she may!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Silvered is the raven hair,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Spreading is the parting straight,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Mottled the complexion fair,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Halting is the youthful gait.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hollow is the laughter free,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Spectacled the limpid eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Little will be left of me,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In the coming bye and bye!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Fading is the taper waist—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Shapeless grows the shapely limb,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And although securely laced,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Spreading is the figure trim!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Stouter than I used to be,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Still more corpulent grow I—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There will be too much of me<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In the coming bye and bye!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_SORCERERS_SONG" id="THE_SORCERERS_SONG"></a><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135" ></a>THE SORCERER'S SONG.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells—<br /></span> +<span>I'm a dealer in magic and spells,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In blessings and curses,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And ever filled purses,<br /></span> +<span>In prophecies, witches and knells!<br /></span> +<span>If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"—<br /></span> +<span>If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You've but to look in<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On our resident Djinn,<br /></span> +<span>Number seventy, Simmery Axe.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>We've a first class assortment of magic;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And for raising a posthumous shade<br /></span> +<span>With effects that are comic or tragic,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There's no cheaper house in the trade.<br /></span> +<span>Love-philtre—we've quantities of it;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And for knowledge if any one burns,<br /></span> +<span>We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who brings us unbounded returns:<br /></span> +<span class="i3">For he can prophesy<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With a wink <i>of</i> his eye,<br /></span><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a> +<span class="i3">Peep with security<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Into futurity,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Sum up your history,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Clear up a mystery,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Humor proclivity<br /></span> +<span class="i3">For a nativity.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With mirrors so magical,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Tetrapods tragical,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Bogies spectacular,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Answers oracular,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Facts astronomical,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Solemn or comical,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And, if you want it, he<br /></span> +<span>Makes a reduction on taking a quantity!<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Oh!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If any one anything lacks,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He'll find it all ready in stacks,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">If he'll only look in<br /></span> +<span class="i3">On the resident Djinn,<br /></span> +<span>Number seventy, Simmery Axe!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i3">He can raise you hosts<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Of ghosts,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And that without reflectors;<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And creepy things<br /></span> +<span class="i8">With wings,<br /></span><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a> +<span class="i2">And gaunt and grisly spectres!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">He can fill you crowds<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Of shrouds,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And horrify you vastly;<br /></span> +<span class="i3">He can rack your brains<br /></span> +<span class="i8">With chains,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And gibberings grim and ghastly.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Then, if you plan it, he<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Changes organity,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With an urbanity,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Full of Satanity,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Vexes humanity<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With an inanity<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Fatal to vanity—<br /></span> +<span>Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Barring tautology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">In demonology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">'Lectro biology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Mystic nosology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Spirit philology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">High class astrology,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Such is his knowledge, he<br /></span> +<span>Isn't the man to require an apology!<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Oh!<br /></span> +<span>My name is John Wellington Wells,<br /></span> +<span>I'm a dealer in magic and spells,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">In blessings and curses,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And ever filled purses<br /></span><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138"></a> +<span>In prophecies, witches and knells!<br /></span> +<span>If any one anything lacks,<br /></span> +<span>He'll find it all ready in stacks,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">If he'll only look in<br /></span> +<span class="i3">On the resident Djinn,<br /></span> +<span>Number seventy, Simmery Axe!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SPECULATION" id="SPECULATION"></a><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139" ></a>SPECULATION.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Comes a train of little ladies<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From scholastic trammels free,<br /></span> +<span>Each a little bit afraid is,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Wondering what the world can be!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Is it but a world of trouble—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sadness set to song?<br /></span> +<span>Is its beauty but a bubble<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Bound to break ere long?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Are its palaces and pleasures<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Fantasies that fade?<br /></span> +<span>And the glories of its treasures<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Shadow of a shade?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">From scholastic trammels free,<br /></span> +<span>And we wonder—how we wonder!—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">What on earth the world can be!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_DUKE_OF_PLAZA_TORO" id="THE_DUKE_OF_PLAZA_TORO"></a><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140" ></a>THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>In enterprise of martial kind,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When there was any fighting,<br /></span> +<span>He led his regiment from behind,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He found it less exciting.<br /></span> +<span>But when away his regiment ran,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His place was at the fore, O—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That celebrated,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cultivated,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Underrated<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Nobleman,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span> +<span>In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!<br /></span> +<span>You always found that knight, ha, ha!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That celebrated,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cultivated,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Underrated<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Nobleman,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>When, to evade Destruction's hand,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To hide they all proceeded,<br /></span> +<span>No soldier in that gallant band<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Hid half as well as he did.<br /></span><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a> +<span>He lay concealed throughout the war,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And so preserved his gore, O!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That unaffected,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Undetected,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Well connected<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Warrior,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span> +<span>In every doughty deed, ha ha!<br /></span> +<span>He always took the lead, ha ha!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That unaffected,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Undetected,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Well connected<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Warrior,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When told that they would all be shot<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Unless they left the service,<br /></span> +<span>The hero hesitated not,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So marvellous his nerve is.<br /></span> +<span>He sent his resignation in,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The first of all his corps, O!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That very knowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Overflowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Easy-going<br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Paladin,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142"></a> +<span>To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!<br /></span> +<span>He always showed the way, ha, ha!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That very knowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Overflowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Easy-going<br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Paladin,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Duke of Plaza-Toro!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_REWARD_OF_MERIT" id="THE_REWARD_OF_MERIT"></a><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143" ></a>THE REWARD OF MERIT.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age:<br /></span> +<span>His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage;<br /></span> +<span>His poems held a noble rank, although it's very true<br /></span> +<span>That, being very proper, they were read by very few.<br /></span> +<span>He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line,"<br /></span> +<span>And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his shrine;<br /></span> +<span>But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high—<br /></span> +<span>The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And everybody said<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"How can he be repaid—<br /></span> +<span>This very great—this very good—this very gifted man?"<br /></span> +<span>But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144"></a> +<span>He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone,<br /></span> +<span>A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own;<br /></span> +<span>For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool,<br /></span> +<span>And my highly gifted friend was no exception to the rule.<br /></span> +<span>His poems—people read them in the Quarterly Reviews—<br /></span> +<span>His pictures—they engraved them in the <i>Illustrated News</i>—<br /></span> +<span>His inventions—they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees,<br /></span> +<span>But all his little income went in Patent Office fees;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And everybody said<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"How can he be repaid—<br /></span> +<span>This very great—this very good—this very gifted man?"<br /></span> +<span>But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At last the point was given up in absolute despair,<br /></span> +<span>When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire,<br /></span><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a> +<span>With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse,<br /></span> +<span>And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House!<br /></span> +<span><i>Then</i> it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards<br /></span> +<span>Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords!<br /></span> +<span>And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can,<br /></span> +<span>As this very great—this very good—this very gifted man?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(Though I'm more than half afraid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That it sometimes may be said<br /></span> +<span>That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride,<br /></span> +<span>However great his merits—if his cousin hadn't died!)<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WHEN_I_FIRST_PUT_THIS_UNIFORM_ON" id="WHEN_I_FIRST_PUT_THIS_UNIFORM_ON"></a><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146" ></a>WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When I first put this uniform on,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I said as I looked in the glass.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"It's one to a million<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That any civilian<br /></span> +<span>My figure and form will surpass.<br /></span> +<span>Gold lace has a charm for the fair,<br /></span> +<span>And I've plenty of that, and to spare,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">While a lover's professions,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When uttered in Hessians,<br /></span> +<span>Are eloquent everywhere!<br /></span> +<span class="i3">A fact that I counted upon,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">When I first put this uniform on!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I said, when I first put it on,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"It is plain to the veriest dunce<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That every beauty<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Will feel it her duty<br /></span> +<span>To yield to its glamor at once.<br /></span> +<span>They will see that I'm freely gold-laced<br /></span> +<span>In a uniform handsome and chaste—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But the peripatetics<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of long-haired æsthetics,<br /></span> +<span>Are very much more to their taste—<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Which I never counted upon<br /></span> +<span class="i3">When I first put this uniform on!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a> +<img src="images/149.png" width="496" height="400" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="SAID_I_TO_MYSELF_SAID_I" id="SAID_I_TO_MYSELF_SAID_I"></a>SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When I went to the Bar as a very young man,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>I'll work on a new and original plan<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief<br /></span> +<span>Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,<br /></span> +<span>Because his attorney has sent me a brief<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I!).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148"></a> +<span>Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force<br /></span> +<span>In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,<br /></span> +<span>Have perjured themselves as a matter of course<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Ere I go into court I will read my brief through<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>And I'll never take work I'm unable to do<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I).<br /></span> +<span>My learned profession I'll never disgrace<br /></span> +<span>By taking a fee with a grin on my face,<br /></span> +<span>When I haven't been there to attend to the case<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I!).<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>In other professions in which men engage<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I),<br /></span> +<span>Professional license, if carried too far,<br /></span> +<span>Your chance of promotion will certainly mar<br /></span> +<span>And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Said I to myself—said I!).<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_FAMILY_FOOL" id="THE_FAMILY_FOOL"></a><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149" ></a>THE FAMILY FOOL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If you listen to popular rumor;<br /></span> +<span>From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And he bubbles with wit and good-humor!<br /></span> +<span>He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Yet though people forgive his transgression,<br /></span> +<span>There are one or two rules that all Family Fools<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Must observe, if they love their profession.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">There are one or two rules<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Half a dozen, maybe,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That all family fools,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Of whatever degree,<br /></span> +<span>Must observe, if they love their profession.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To consider each person auricular:<br /></span> +<span>What is all right for B would quite scandalize C<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(For C is so very particular);<br /></span><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a> +<span>And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Is as empty of brains as a ladle;<br /></span> +<span>While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That he's known your best joke from his cradle!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When your humor they flout,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">You can't let yourself go;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And it <i>does</i> put you out<br /></span> +<span class="i3">When a person says, "Oh!<br /></span> +<span>I have known that old joke from my cradle!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>If your master is surly, from getting up early<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(And tempers are short in the morning),<br /></span> +<span>An inopportune joke is enough to provoke<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Him to give you, at once, a month's warning<br /></span> +<span>Then if you refrain, he is at you again,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For he likes to get value for money.<br /></span> +<span>He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If you know that you're paid to be funny?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It adds to the task<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Of a merryman's place,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When your principal asks,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">With a scowl on his face,<br /></span> +<span>If you know that you're paid to be funny?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a> +<span>Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Oh, beware of his anger provoking!<br /></span> +<span>Better not pull his hair—don't stick pins in his chair;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He don't understand practical joking.<br /></span> +<span>If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">You may get a bland smile from these sages;<br /></span> +<span>But should it, by chance, be imported from France,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's a general rule,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Though your zeal it may quench,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If the Family Fool<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Makes a joke that's <i>too</i> French,<br /></span> +<span>Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And your senses with toothache you're losing,<br /></span> +<span>Don't be mopy and flat—they don't fine you for that,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If you're properly quaint and amusing!<br /></span> +<span>Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And took with her your trifle of money;<br /></span><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a> +<span>Bless your heart, they don't mind—they're exceedingly kind—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They don't blame you—as long as you're funny!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's a comfort to feel<br /></span> +<span class="i3">If your partner should flit,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though <i>you</i> suffer a deal,<br /></span> +<span class="i3"><i>They</i> don't mind it a bit—<br /></span> +<span>They don't blame you—so long as you're funny!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_PHILOSOPHIC_PILL" id="THE_PHILOSOPHIC_PILL"></a><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153" ></a>THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I've wisdom from the East and from the West,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That's subject to no academic rule:<br /></span> +<span>You may find it in the jeering of a jest,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or distil it from the folly of a fool.<br /></span> +<span>I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind!<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I can trick you into learning with a laugh;<br /></span> +<span>Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A grain or two of truth among the chaff!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>I can set a braggart quailing with a quip,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The upstart I can wither with a whim;<br /></span> +<span>He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But his laughter has an echo that is grim.<br /></span> +<span>When they're offered to the world in merry guise,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will—<br /></span> +<span>For he who'd make his fellow creatures wise<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Should always gild the philosophic pill!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_CONTEMPLATIVE_SENTRY" id="THE_CONTEMPLATIVE_SENTRY"></a><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154" ></a>THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When all night long a chap remains<br /></span> +<span class="i1">On sentry-go, to chase monotony<br /></span> +<span>He exercises of his brains,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That is, assuming that he's got any,<br /></span> +<span>Though never nurtured in the lap<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of luxury, yet I admonish you,<br /></span> +<span>I am an intellectual chap,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And think of things that would astonish you.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I often think it's comical<br /></span> +<span class="i3">How Nature always does contrive<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That every boy and every gal<br /></span> +<span class="i3">That's born into the world alive<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is either a little Liberal,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Or else a little Conservative!<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Fal lal la!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When in that house M.P.'s divide,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">If they've a brain and cerebellum, too.<br /></span> +<span>They're got to leave that brain outside.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.<br /></span> +<span>But then the prospect of a lot<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of statesmen, all in close proximity.<br /></span><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a> +<span>A-thinking for themselves, is what<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No man can face with equanimity.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal<br /></span> +<span class="i3">That Nature wisely does contrive<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That every boy and every gal<br /></span> +<span class="i3">That's born into the world alive,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is either a little Liberal,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Or else a little Conservative!<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Fal lal la!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SORRY_HER_LOT" id="SORRY_HER_LOT"></a><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156" ></a>SORRY HER LOT.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sorry her lot who loves too well,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly,<br /></span> +<span>Had are the sighs that own the spell<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Heavy the sorrow that bows the head<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When Love is alive and Hope is dead!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sad is the hour when sets the Sun—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters<br /></span> +<span>When to the ark the wearied one<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Flies from the empty waste of waters!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Heavy the sorrow that bows the head<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When Love is alive and Hope is dead!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_JUDGES_SONG" id="THE_JUDGES_SONG"></a><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157" ></a>THE JUDGE'S SONG.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When I, good friends, was called to the Bar,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,<br /></span> +<span>But I was, as many young barristers are,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">An impecunious party.<br /></span> +<span>I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A brief which I bought of a booby—<br /></span> +<span>A couple of shirts and a collar or two,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And a ring that looked like a ruby!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Like a semi-despondent fury;<br /></span> +<span>For I thought I should never hit on a chance<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of addressing a British Jury—<br /></span> +<span>But I soon got tired of third class journeys,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And dinners of bread and water;<br /></span> +<span>So I fell in love with a rich attorney's<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Elderly, ugly daughter.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And replied to my fond professions:<br /></span> +<span>"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.<br /></span><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a> +<span>You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"And a very nice girl you'll find her—<br /></span> +<span>She may very well pass for forty-three<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In the dusk, with a light behind her!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The rich attorney was as good as his word:<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The briefs came trooping gaily,<br /></span> +<span>And every day my voice was heard<br /></span> +<span class="i1">At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.<br /></span> +<span>All thieves who could my fees afford<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Relied on my orations,<br /></span> +<span>And many a burglar I've restored<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To his friends and his relations.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">An incubus then I thought her,<br /></span> +<span>So I threw over that rich attorney's<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Elderly, ugly daughter.<br /></span> +<span>The rich attorney my character high<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Tried vainly to disparage—<br /></span> +<span>And now, if you please, I'm ready to try<br /></span> +<span class="i1">This Breach of Promise of Marriage!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="TRUE_DIFFIDENCE" id="TRUE_DIFFIDENCE"></a><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159" ></a>TRUE DIFFIDENCE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>My boy, you may take it from me,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That of all the afflictions accurst<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With which a man's saddled<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And hampered and addled,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">diffident nature's the worst.<br /></span> +<span>Though clever as clever can be—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A Crichton of early romance—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You must stir it and stump it,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And blow your own trumpet,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or, trust me, you haven't a chance.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Now take, for example, <i>my</i> case:<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've a bright intellectual brain—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In all London city<br /></span> +<span class="i2">There's no one so witty—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've thought so again and again.<br /></span> +<span>I've a highly intelligent face—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My features cannot be denied—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But, whatever I try, sir,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I fail in—and why, sir?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm modesty personified!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160"></a> +<span>As a poet, I'm tender and quaint—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I've passion and fervor and grace—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From Ovid and Horace<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To Swinburne and Morris,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They all of them take a back place,<br /></span> +<span>Then I sing and I play and I paint;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though none are accomplished as I,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To say so were treason:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You ask me the reason?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm diffident, modest and shy!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" > +<img src="images/163.png" width="600" height="400" alt="Castoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_HIGHLY_RESPECTABLE_GONDOLIER" id="THE_HIGHLY_RESPECTABLE_GONDOLIER"></a><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161" ></a>THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And left him, gaily prattling<br /></span> +<span>With a highly respectable Gondolier,<br /></span> +<span>Who promised the Royal babe to rear,<br /></span> +<span>And teach him the trade of a timoneer<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With his own beloved bratling.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Both of the babes were strong and stout,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And, considering all things, clever.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of that there is no manner of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No probable, possible shadow of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No possible doubt whatever.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a> +<span>Time sped, and when at the end of a year<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I sought that infant cherished,<br /></span> +<span>That highly respectable Gondolier<br /></span> +<span>Was lying a corpse on his humble bier—<br /></span> +<span>I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That Gondolier had perished.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">A taste for drink, combined with gout,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Had doubled him up for ever.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of <i>that</i> there is no manner of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No probable, possible shadow of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No possible doubt whatever.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>But owing, I'm much disposed to fear,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To his terrible taste for tippling,<br /></span> +<span>That highly respectable Gondolier<br /></span> +<span>Could never declare with a mind sincere<br /></span> +<span>Which of the two was his offspring dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And which the Royal stripling!<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Which was which he could never make out,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Despite his best endeavour.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of <i>that</i> there is no manner of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">No probable, possible shadow of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No possible doubt whatever.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a> +<span>The children followed his old career—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(This statement can't be parried)<br /></span> +<span>Of a highly respectable Gondolier:<br /></span> +<span>Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)—<br /></span> +<span>But <i>which</i> of the two is not quite clear—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is the Royal Prince you married!<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i1">Search in and out and round about<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And you'll discover never<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A tale so free from every doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All probable, possible shadow of doubt—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All possible doubt whatever!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DONT_FORGET" id="DONT_FORGET"></a><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164" ></a>DON'T FORGET.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Now, Marco dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My wishes hear:<br /></span> +<span class="i3">While you're away<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's understood<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You will be good,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And not too gay.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To every trace<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of maiden grace<br /></span> +<span class="i3">You will be blind,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And will not glance<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By any chance<br /></span> +<span class="i3">On womankind!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If you are wise,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll shut your eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i3">'Till we arrive,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And not address<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A lady less<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Than forty-five;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll please to frown<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On every gown<br /></span> +<span class="i3">That you may see;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And O, my pet,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You won't forget<br /></span> +<span class="i3">You've married me!<br /></span><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>O, my darling, O, my pet,<br /></span> +<span>Whatever else you may forget,<br /></span> +<span>In yonder isle beyond the sea,<br /></span> +<span>O, don't forget you've married me!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">You'll lay your head<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon your bed<br /></span> +<span class="i3">At set of sun.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You will not sing<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of anything<br /></span> +<span class="i3">To any one:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll sit and mope<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All day, I hope,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And shed a tear<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon the life<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your little wife<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Is passing here!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And if so be<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You think of me,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Please tell the moon:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll read it all<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In rays that fall<br /></span> +<span class="i3">On the lagoon:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll be so kind<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As tell the wind<br /></span><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a> +<span class="i3">How you may be,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And send me words<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By little birds<br /></span> +<span class="i3">To comfort me!<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>And O, my darling, O, my pet,<br /></span> +<span>Whatever else you may forget,<br /></span> +<span>In yonder isle beyond the sea,<br /></span> +<span>O, don't forget you've married me!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_DARNED_MOUNSEER" id="THE_DARNED_MOUNSEER"></a><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167" ></a>THE DARNED MOUNSEER.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And, off Cape Finistere,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A merchantman we see,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A Frenchman, going free,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So we made for the bold Mounseer.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">We made for the bold Mounseer!<br /></span> +<span>But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And fires with a thirty-two!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It come uncommon near,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But we answered with a cheer,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which paralyzed the Parley-voo,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which paralyzed the Parley-voo!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"That chap we need not fear,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We can take her, if we like,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She is sartin for to strike,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For she's only a darned Mounseer,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">She's only a darned Mounseer!<br /></span><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a> +<span>But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">It's a lubberly thing for to do;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For we, with all our faults,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why, we're sturdy British salts,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">While she's but a Parley-voo,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A miserable Parley-voo!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">As we gives a compassionating cheer;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Froggee answers with a shout<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As he sees us go about,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!<br /></span> +<span>And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(Which is what them, furriners do),<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And they blessed their lucky stars?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We were hardy British tars<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">D'ye see?<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_HUMANE_MIKADO" id="THE_HUMANE_MIKADO"></a><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169" ></a>THE HUMANE MIKADO.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>A more humane Mikado never<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Did in Japan exist,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To nobody second,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm certainly reckoned<br /></span> +<span class="i1">A true philanthropist,<br /></span> +<span>It is my very humane endeavor<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To make, to some extent,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Each evil liver<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A running river<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of harmless merriment.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My object all sublime<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I shall achieve in time—<br /></span> +<span>To let the punishment fit the crime—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The punishment fit the crime;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And make each prisoner pent<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unwillingly represent<br /></span> +<span>A source of innocent merriment,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of innocent merriment!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>All prosy dull society sinners,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who chatter and bleat and bore,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Are sent to hear sermons<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From mystical Germans<br /></span><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a> +<span class="i1">Who preach from ten to four,<br /></span> +<span>The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies<br /></span> +<span class="i1">All desire to shirk,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Shall, during off hours,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Exhibit his powers<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.<br /></span> +<span>The lady who dyes a chemical yellow,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Or stains her grey hair puce,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or pinches her figger,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is blacked like a nigger<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With permanent walnut juice.<br /></span> +<span>The idiot who, in railway carriages,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Scribbles on window panes,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We only suffer<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To ride on a buffer<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In Parliamentary trains.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My object all sublime<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I shall achieve in time—<br /></span> +<span>To let the punishment fit the crime—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The punishment fit the crime;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And make each prisoner pent<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unwillingly represent<br /></span> +<span>A source of innocent merriment,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of innocent merriment!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>The advertising quack who wearier<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With tales of countless cures.<br /></span><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a> +<span class="i2">His teeth, I've enacted,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Shall all be extracted<br /></span> +<span class="i1" >By terrified amateurs.<br /></span> +<span>The music hall singer attends a series<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of masses and fugues and "ops"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By Bach, interwoven<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With Sophr and Beethoven,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">At classical Monday Pops.<br /></span> +<span>The billiard sharp whom any one catches,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">His doom's extremely hard—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He's made to dwell<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a dungeon cell<br /></span> +<span class="i1">On a spot that's always barred.<br /></span> +<span>And there he plays extravagant matches<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In fitless finger-stalls,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On a cloth untrue<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With a twisted cue,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And elliptical billiard balls!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">My object all sublime<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I shall achieve in time—<br /></span> +<span>To let the punishment fit the crime—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The punishment fit the crime;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And make each prisoner pent<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unwillingly represent<br /></span> +<span>A source of innocent merriment,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of innocent merriment!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_HOUSE_OF_PEERS" id="THE_HOUSE_OF_PEERS"></a><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172" ></a>THE HOUSE OF PEERS.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When Britain really ruled the waves—<br /></span> +<span>(In good Queen Bess's time)<br /></span> +<span>The House of Peers made no pretence<br /></span> +<span>To intellectual eminence,<br /></span> +<span>Or scholarship sublime;<br /></span> +<span>Yet Britain won her proudest bays<br /></span> +<span>In good Queen Bess's glorious days!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,<br /></span> +<span>As every child can tell,<br /></span> +<span>The House of Peers, throughout the war,<br /></span> +<span>Did nothing in particular,<br /></span> +<span>And did it very well;<br /></span> +<span>Yet Britain set the world a-blaze<br /></span> +<span>In good King George's glorious days!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And while the House of Peers withholds<br /></span> +<span>Its legislative hand.<br /></span> +<span>And noble statesmen do not itch<br /></span> +<span>To interfere with matters which<br /></span> +<span>They do not understand,<br /></span> +<span>As bright will shine Great Britain's rays,<br /></span> +<span>As in King George's glorious days!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center" > +<img src="images/175.png" width="533" height="400" alt="Cartoon" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_AESTHETE" id="THE_AESTHETE"></a>THE ÆSTHETE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>If you're anxious for to shine in the high æsthetic line, as a man of culture rare,<br /></span> +<span>You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere.<br /></span> +<span>You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind,<br /></span> +<span>The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental kind.<br /></span><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a> +<span class="i5">And everyone will say,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">As you walk your mystic way,<br /></span> +<span>"If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for <i>me</i>,<br /></span> +<span>Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since passed away,<br /></span> +<span>And convince 'em if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was Culture's palmiest day.<br /></span> +<span>Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare it's crude and mean,<br /></span> +<span>And that art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">And everyone will say,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">As you walk your mystic way,<br /></span> +<span>"If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for <i>me</i>,<br /></span> +<span>Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen,<br /></span><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175"></a> +<span>An attachment <i>a la</i> Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-French French bean.<br /></span> +<span>Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high æsthetic band,<br /></span> +<span>If you walk down Picadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediæval hand.<br /></span> +<span class="i5">And everyone will say,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">As you walk your flowery way,<br /></span> +<span>"If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit <i>me</i>,<br /></span> +<span>Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PROPER_PRIDE" id="PROPER_PRIDE"></a><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176" ></a>PROPER PRIDE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>The Sun, whose rays<br /></span> +<span>Are all ablaze<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With ever living glory,<br /></span> +<span>Does not deny<br /></span> +<span>His majesty—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He scorns to tell a story!<br /></span> +<span>He don't exclaim<br /></span> +<span>"I blush for shame,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So kindly be indulgent,"<br /></span> +<span>But, fierce and bold,<br /></span> +<span>In fiery gold,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">He glories all effulgent!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">I mean to rule the earth.<br /></span> +<span class="i3">As he the sky—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We really know our worth,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">The Sun and I!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Observe his flame,<br /></span> +<span>That placid dame,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The Moon's Celestial Highness;<br /></span> +<span>There's not a trace<br /></span> +<span>Upon her face<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of diffidence or shyness:<br /></span><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a> +<span>She borrows light<br /></span> +<span>That, through the night,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Mankind may all acclaim her!<br /></span> +<span>And, truth to tell,<br /></span> +<span>She lights up well,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">So I, for one, don't blame her!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Ah, pray make no mistake,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">We are not shy;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We're very wide awake,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">The Moon and I!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BAFFLED_GRUMBLER" id="THE_BAFFLED_GRUMBLER"></a><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178" ></a>THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Whene'er I poke<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Sarcastic joke<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Replete with malice spiteful,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The people vile<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Politely smile<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And vote me quite delightful!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Now, when a wight<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Sits up all night<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ill-natured jokes devising,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And all his wiles<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Are met with smiles,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's hard, there's no disguising!<br /></span> +<span>Oh, don't the days seem lank and long<br /></span> +<span>When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,<br /></span> +<span>And isn't your life extremely flat<br /></span> +<span>With nothing whatever to grumble at!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">When German bands<br /></span> +<span class="i4">From music stands<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Play Wagner imper<i>fect</i>ly—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">I bid them go—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">They don't say no,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But off they trot directly!<br /></span><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179"></a> +<span class="i4">The organ boys<br /></span> +<span class="i4">They stop their noise<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With readiness surprising,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And grinning herds<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of hurdy-gurds<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Retire apologizing!<br /></span> +<span>Oh, don't the days seem lank and long<br /></span> +<span>When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,<br /></span> +<span>And isn't your life extremely flat<br /></span> +<span>With nothing whatever to grumble at!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">I've offered gold,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">In sums untold,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To all who'd contradict me—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">I've said I'd pay<br /></span> +<span class="i4">A pound a day<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To any one who kicked me—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">I've bribed with toys<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Great vulgar boys<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To utter something spiteful,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">But, bless you, no!<br /></span> +<span class="i4">They <i>will</i> be so<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Confoundedly politeful!<br /></span> +<span>In short, these aggravating lads<br /></span> +<span>They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,<br /></span> +<span>They give me this and they give me that,<br /></span> +<span>And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_WORKING_MONARCH" id="THE_WORKING_MONARCH"></a><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180" ></a>THE WORKING MONARCH.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Rising early in the morning,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">We proceed to light our fire;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then our Majesty adorning<br /></span> +<span class="i3">In its work-a-day attire,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We embark without delay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On the duties of the day.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>First, we polish off some batches<br /></span> +<span>Of political dispatches,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And foreign politicians circumvent;<br /></span> +<span>Then, if business isn't heavy,<br /></span> +<span>We may hold a Royal levee,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or ratify some acts of Parliament;<br /></span> +<span>Then we probably review the household troops—<br /></span> +<span>With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"<br /></span> +<span>Or receive with ceremonial and state<br /></span> +<span>An interesting Eastern Potentate,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">After that we generally<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Go and dress our private valet—<br /></span> +<span>(It's rather a nervous duty—he's a touchy little man)<br /></span> +<a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a> +<span class="i2">Write some letters literary<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For our private secretary—<br /></span> +<span>He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then, in view of cravings inner,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We go down and order dinner;<br /></span> +<span>Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Spend an hour in titivating<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;<br /></span> +<span>Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Oh, philosophers may sing<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of the troubles of a King;<br /></span> +<span>Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But the privilege and pleasure<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That we treasure beyond measure<br /></span> +<span>Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>After luncheon (making merry<br /></span> +<span>On a bun and glass of sherry),<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If we've nothing particular to do,<br /></span> +<span>We may make a Proclamation,<br /></span> +<span>Or receive a Deputation—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then we possibly create a Peer or two.<br /></span><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a> +<span>Then we help a fellow creature on his path<br /></span> +<span>With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath:<br /></span> +<span>Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State<br /></span> +<span>To a festival, a function, or a <i>fete</i>.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then we go and stand as sentry<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At the Palace (private entry),<br /></span> +<span>Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">While the warrior on duty<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Goes in search of beer and beauty<br /></span> +<span>(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He relieves us, if he's able,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Just in time to lay the table,<br /></span> +<span>Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With a pleasure that's emphatic,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We retire to our attic<br /></span> +<span>With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Oh, philosophers may sing<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of the troubles of a King,<br /></span> +<span>But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And the culminating pleasure<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That we treasure beyond measure<br /></span> +<span>Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_ROVERS_APOLOGY" id="THE_ROVERS_APOLOGY"></a><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183" ></a>THE ROVER'S APOLOGY.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Though I own that my heart has been ranging,<br /></span> +<span>Of nature the laws I obey,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For nature is constantly changing.<br /></span> +<span>The moon in her phases is found,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The time and the wind and the weather,<br /></span> +<span>The months in succession come round,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And you don't find two Mondays together.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Consider the moral, I pray,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who loves this young lady to-day,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And loves that young lady to-morrow.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>You cannot eat breakfast all day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Nor is it the act of a sinner,<br /></span> +<span>When breakfast is taken away<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To turn your attention to dinner;<br /></span> +<span>And it's not in the range of belief,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That you could hold him as a glutton,<br /></span> +<span>Who, when he is tired of beef,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Determines to tackle the mutton.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But this I am ready to say,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">If it will diminish their sorrow,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll marry this lady to-day,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">And I'll marry that lady to-morrow!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WOULD_YOU_KNOW" id="WOULD_YOU_KNOW"></a><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184" ></a>WOULD YOU KNOW?</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Would you know the kind of maid<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Sets my heart a flame-a?<br /></span> +<span>Eyes must be downcast and staid,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Cheeks must flush for shame-a!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She may neither dance nor sing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But, demure in everything,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hang her head in modest way,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With pouting lips that seem to say<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though I die of shame-a."<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Please you, that's the kind of maid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sets my heart a flame-a!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>When a maid is bold and gay,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">With a tongue goes clang-a,<br /></span> +<span>Flaunting it in brave array,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Maiden may go hang-a!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sunflower gay and hollyhock<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Never shall my garden stock;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Mine the blushing rose of May,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With pouting lips that seem to say,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">"Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though I die for shame-a!"<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Please you, that's the kind of maid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sets my heart a flame-a!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="center"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185"></a> +<img src="images/187.png" width="367" height="350" alt="" title="" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h2><a name="THE_MAGNET_AND_THE_CHURN" id="THE_MAGNET_AND_THE_CHURN"></a>THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>A magnet hung in a hardware shop,<br /></span> +<span>And all around was a loving crop<br /></span> +<span>Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,<br /></span> +<span>Offering love for all their lives;<br /></span> +<span>But for iron the magnet felt no whim,<br /></span> +<span>Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him,<br /></span> +<span>From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,<br /></span> +<span>For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!<br /></span><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186"></a> +<span class="i5">His most æsthetic,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Very magnetic<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Fancy took this turn—<br /></span> +<span class="i5">"If I can wheedle<br /></span> +<span class="i5">A knife or needle,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Why not a Silver Churn?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,<br /></span> +<span>The needles opened their well drilled eyes,<br /></span> +<span>The pen-knives felt "shut up," no doubt,<br /></span> +<span>The scissors declared themselves "cut out."<br /></span> +<span>The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,<br /></span> +<span>While every nail went off its head,<br /></span> +<span>And hither and thither began to roam,<br /></span> +<span>Till a hammer came up—and drove it home,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">While this magnetic<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Peripatetic<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Lover he lived to learn,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">By no endeavor,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Can Magnet ever<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Attract a Silver Churn!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BRAID_THE_RAVEN_HAIR" id="BRAID_THE_RAVEN_HAIR"></a><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187" ></a>BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Braid the raven hair,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Weave the supple tress,<br /></span> +<span>Deck the maiden fair<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In her loveliness;<br /></span> +<span>Paint the pretty face,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Dye the coral lip.<br /></span> +<span>Emphasize the grace<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Of her ladyship!<br /></span> +<span>Art and nature, thus allied,<br /></span> +<span>Go to make a pretty bride!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Sit with downcast eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Let it brim with dew;<br /></span> +<span>Try if you can cry,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">We will do so, too.<br /></span> +<span>When you're summoned, start<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Like a frightened roe;<br /></span> +<span>Flutter, little heart,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Color, come and go!<br /></span> +<span>Modesty at marriage tide<br /></span> +<span>Well becomes a pretty bride!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="IS_LIFE_A_BOON" id="IS_LIFE_A_BOON"></a><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188" ></a>IS LIFE A BOON?</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Is life a boon?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If so? it must befal<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That Death, whene'er he call,<br /></span> +<span>Must call too soon.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though fourscore years he give,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Yet one would pray to live<br /></span> +<span>Another moon!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What kind of plaint have I,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who perish in July?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I might have had to die,<br /></span> +<span>Perchance, in June!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Is life a thorn?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then count it not a whit!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Man is well done with it;<br /></span> +<span>Soon as he's born<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He should all means essay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To put the plague away:<br /></span> +<span>And I, war-worn,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Poor captured fugitive,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My life most gladly give—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I might have had to live<br /></span> +<span>Another morn!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_MIRAGE" id="A_MIRAGE"></a><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189" ></a>A MIRAGE.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride,<br /></span> +<span>Then the whole world beside<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were not too wide<br /></span> +<span class="i4">To hold my wealth of love—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon thy breast<br /></span> +<span>My loving head would rest,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As on her nest<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The tender turtle dove—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">This heart of mine<br /></span> +<span>Would be one heart with thine,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And in that shrine<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Our happiness would dwell—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And all day long<br /></span> +<span>Our lives should be a song:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No grief, no wrong<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Should make my heart rebel—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a> +<span class="i2">The melancholy flute,<br /></span> +<span>The melancholy lute,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were night owl's hoot<br /></span> +<span class="i4">To my low-whispered coo—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The skylark's trill<br /></span> +<span>Were but discordance shrill<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To the soft thrill<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of wooing as I'd woo—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">The rose's sigh<br /></span> +<span>Were as a carrion's cry<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To lullaby<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Such as I'd sing to thee,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were I thy bride!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A feather's press<br /></span> +<span>Were leaden heaviness<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To my caress.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">But then, unhappily,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm not thy bride!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_MERRY_MADRIGAL" id="A_MERRY_MADRIGAL"></a><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191" ></a>A MERRY MADRIGAL.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>Brightly dawns our wedding day;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whither, whither art thou fleeting?<br /></span> +<span>Fickle moment, prithee stay!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What though mortal joys be hollow?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:<br /></span> +<span>Though the tocsin sound, ere long,<br /></span> +<span>Ding dong! Ding dong!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Yet until the shadows fall<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Over one and over all,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sing a merry madrigal—<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Fal la!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>Let us dry the ready tear;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though the hours are surely creeping,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Little need for woeful weeping,<br /></span> +<span>Till the sad sundown is near.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All must sip the cup of sorrow—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I to-day and thou to-morrow:<br /></span> +<span>This the close of every song—<br /></span> +<span>Ding dong! Ding dong!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What, though solemn shadows fall,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sooner, later, over all?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sing a merry madrigal—<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Fal la!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_LOVE_SICK_BOY" id="THE_LOVE_SICK_BOY"></a><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192" ></a>THE LOVE-SICK BOY.</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>When first my old, old love I knew,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My bosom welled with joy;<br /></span> +<span>My riches at her feet I threw;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I was a love-sick boy!<br /></span> +<span>No terms seemed too extravagant<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Upon her to employ—<br /></span> +<span>I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Just like a love-sick boy!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span>But joy incessant palls the sense;<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And love, unchanged will cloy,<br /></span> +<span>And she became a bore intense<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Unto her love-sick boy!<br /></span> +<span>With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And I grew cold and coy,<br /></span> +<span>At last, one morning, I became<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Another's love-sick boy!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193"></a>HENRY ALTEMUS' PUBLICATIONS.</h2> + +<h3>PHILADELPHIA. PA.</h3> + + +<p><b>STEPHEN. A SOLDIER OF THE CROSS</b>, by Florence Morse Kingsley, author +of "Titus, a Comrade of the Cross." "Since Ben-Hur no story has so +vividly portrayed the times of Christ."—<i>The Bookseller.</i> Cloth, +12mo., 369 pages. $1.25.</p> + +<p><b>PAUL. A HERALD OF THE CROSS</b>, by Florence Morse Kingsley, "A vivid +and picturesque narrative of the life and times of the great Apostle." +Cloth, ornamental, 12mo., 450 pages, $1.50.</p> + +<p><b>VIC. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FOX TERRIER</b>, by Marie More Marsh. "A +fitting companion to that other wonderful book, 'Black Beauty.'" +Cloth, 12mo., 50 cents.</p> + +<p><b>WOMAN'S WORK IN THE HOME</b>, by Archdeacon Farrar. Cloth, small 18mo., +50 cents.</p> + +<p><b>THE APOCRYPHAL BOOKS OF THE NEW TESTAMENT</b>, being the gospels and +epistles used by the followers of Christ in the first three centuries +after his death, and rejected by the Council of Nice, A.D. 325. Cloth, +8vo., illustrated, $2.00.</p> + +<p><b>THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS</b>, <i>as John Bunyan wrote it</i>. A fac-simile +reproduction of the first edition, published in 1678. Antique cloth, +12mo., $1.25.</p> + +<p><b>THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR</b>, by Hildegarde Hawthorne. "The +grand-daughter of Nathaniel Hawthorne possesses a full share of his +wonderful genius." Cloth, 16mo., $1.25.</p> + +<p><b>A LOVER IN HOMESPUN</b>, by F. Clifford Smith. Interesting tales of +adventure and home life in Canada. Cloth, 12mo., 75 cents.</p> + +<p><b>ANNIE BESANT: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.</b> Cloth, 12mo., 368 pages, +illustrated. $2.00.</p> + +<p><b>THE GRAMMAR OF PALMISTRY</b>, by Katharine St. Hill. Cloth, 12mo., +illustrated, 75 cents.</p> + +<p><b>AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY MINUTES.</b> Contains over 100 photographs of +the most famous places and edifices with descriptive text. Cloth, 50 +cents.</p> + +<p><b>WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW.</b> A woman's book about women. By Mrs. E.B. +Duffy. Cloth, 320 pages, 75 cents.<a name="Page_194" id="Page_194"></a></p> + +<p><b>THE CARE OF CHILDREN</b>, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. "An excellent book of +the most vital interest," Cloth, 12mo., $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>PREPARATION FOR MOTHERHOOD</b>, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. Cloth, 12mo., +320 pages, $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>ALTEMUS' CONVERSATION DICTIONARIES.</b> English-German, English-French. +"Combined dictionaries and phrase books." Pocket size, each $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>TAINE'S ENGLISH LITERATURE</b>, translated from the French by Henry Van +Laun, illustrated with 20 fine photogravure portraits. Best English +library edition, four volumes, cloth, full gilt, octavo, per set, +$10.00. Half calf, per set, $12.50. Cheaper edition, with frontispiece +illustrations only, cloth, paper titles, per set $7.50.</p> + +<p><b>SHAKESPEARE'S COMPLETE WORKS</b>, with a biographical sketch by Mary +Cowden Clark, embellished with 64 Boydell, and numerous other +illustrations, four volumes, over 2000 pages. Half Morocco, 12mo., +boxed, per set, $3.00.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h3>DORE'S MASTERPIECES</h3> + +<p><b>THE DORE BIBLE GALLERY.</b> A complete panorama of Bible History, +containing 100 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore.</p> + +<p><b>MILTON'S PARADISE LOST</b>, with 50 full-page engravings by Gustave +Dore.</p> + +<p><b>DANTE'S INFERNO</b>, with 75 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore.</p> + +<p><b>DANTE'S PURGATORY AND PARADISE</b>, with 60 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore.</p> + +<div class="center">Cloth, ornamental, large quarto (9 x 12 inches), each $2.00.</div> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p><b>TENNYSON'S IDYLLS OF THE KING</b>, with 37 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 +inches), $4.50.<a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a></p> + +<p><b>THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER</b>, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, with +46 full page engravings by Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large +imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 inches), $3.00.</p> + +<p><b>BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS</b>, with 100 engravings by Frederick +Barnard and others. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10 inches), $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>DICKENS' CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND</b>, with 75 fine engravings by +famous artists. Cloth, small quarto, boxed (9 x 10 inches), $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>BIBLE PICTURES AND STORIES</b>, 100 full page engravings. Cloth, small +quarto (7 x 9 inches), $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>MY ODD LITTLE FOLK</b>, some rhymes and verses about them, by Malcolm +Douglass. Numerous original engravings. Cloth, small quarto (7 x 9), +$1.00.</p> + +<p><b>PAUL AND VIRGINIA</b>, by Bernardin St. Pierre, with 125 engravings by +Maurice Leloir. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10), $1.00.</p> + +<p><b>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE</b>, with 120 original engravings +by Walter Paget. Cloth, octavo (7-1/2 x 9-3/4), $1.50.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h3>ALTEMUS' ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY OF STANDARD AUTHORS.</h3> + +<div class="center">Cloth, Twelve Mo. Size, 5-1/2 x 7-3/4 Inches. Each $1.00.</div> + +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> + +<p><b>TALES FROM SHAKESPEARE</b>, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with 155 +illustrations by famous artists.</p> + +<p><b>PAUL AND VIRGINIA</b>, by Bernardin de St. Pierre, with 125 engravings +by Maurice Leloir.</p> + +<p><b>ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, AND THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND +WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE</b>, by Lewis Carroll. Complete in one volume with +92 engravings by John Tenniel.</p> + +<p><b>LUCILE</b>, by Owen Meredith, with numerous illustrations by George Du +Maurier.</p> + +<p><b>BLACK BEAUTY</b>, by Anna Sewell, with nearly 50 original engravings.</p> + +<p><b>SCARLET LETTER</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous original +full-page and text illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous +original full-page and text illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR INDEPENDENCE</b>, by Prescott Holmes, with 7 +illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR THE UNION</b>, by Prescott Holmes, with 80 +illustrations.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> +<h3><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a>ALTEMUS' YOUNG PEOPLES' LIBRARY</h3> + +<div class="center"><i>PRICE FIFTY CENTS EACH.</i></div> +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> + +<p><b>ROBINSON CRUSOE</b>: (Chiefly in words of one syllable). His life and +strange, surprising adventures, with 70 beautiful illustrations by +Walter Paget.</p> + +<p><b>ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND</b>, with 49 illustrations by John +Tenniel. "The most delightful of children's stories. Elegant and +delicious nonsense."—<i>Saturday Review.</i></p> + +<p><b>THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE</b>, a companion to +"Alice in Wonderland," with 50 illustrations by John Tenniel.</p> + +<p><b>BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS</b>, with 50 full page and text +illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>A CHILD'S STORY OF THE BIBLE</b>, with 72 full page illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>A CHILD'S LIFE OF CHRIST</b>, with 49 illustrations. God has implanted +in the infant heart a desire to hear of Jesus, and children are early +attracted and sweetly riveted by the wonderful Story of the Master +from the Manger to the Throne.</p> + +<p><b>SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON</b>, with 50 illustrations. The father of the +family tells the tale of the vicissitudes through which he and his +wife and children pass, the wonderful discoveries made and dangers +encountered. The book is full of interest and instruction.</p> + +<p><b>CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA</b>, with 70 +illustrations Every American boy and girl should be acquainted with +the story of the life of the great discoverer, with its struggles, +adventures, and trials.</p> + +<p><b>THE STORY OF EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY IN AFRICA</b>, with 80 +illustrations. Records the experiences of adventures and discoveries +in developing the "Dark Continent," from the early days of Bruce and +Mungo Park down to Livingstone and Stanley, and the heroes of our own +times. No present can be more acceptable than such a volume as this, +where courage, intrepidity, resource, and devotion are so admirably +mingled.<a name="Page_197" id="Page_197"></a></p> + +<p><b>THE FABLES OF ÆSOP</b>. Compiled from the best accepted sources. With 62 +illustrations. The fables of Æsop are among the very earliest +compositions of this kind, and probably have never been surpassed for +point and brevity.</p> + +<p><b>GULLIVER'S TRAVELS</b>. Adapted for young readers. With 50 +illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>MOTHER GOOSE'S RHYMES, JINGLES AND FAIRY TALES</b>, with 234 +illustrations.</p> + +<p><b>LIVES OF THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES</b>, by Prescott Holmes. +With portraits of the Presidents and also of the unsuccessful +candidates for the office; as well as the ablest of the Cabinet +officers. It is just the book for intelligent boys, and it will help +to make them intelligent and patriotic citizens.</p> + +<p><b>THE STORY OF ADVENTURE IN THE FROZEN SEAS</b>, with 70 illustrations. By +Prescott Holmes. We have here brought together the records of the +attempts to reach the North Pole. The book shows how much can be +accomplished by steady perseverance and indomitable pluck.</p> + +<p><b>ILLUSTRATED NATURAL HISTORY</b>, by the Rev. J.G. Wood, with 80 +illustrations. This author has done more to popularize the study of +natural history than any other writer. The illustrations are striking +and life-like.</p> + +<p><b>A CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND</b>, by Charles Dickens, with 50 +illustrations. Tired of listening to his children memorize the twaddle +of old fashioned English history the author covered the ground in his +own peculiar and happy style for his own children's use. When the work +was published its success was instantaneous.</p> + +<p><b>BLACK BEAUTY, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A HORSE</b>, by Anna Sewell, with 50 +illustrations. A work sure to educate boys and girls to treat with +kindness all members of the animal kingdom. Recognized as the greatest +story of animal life extant.</p> + +<p><b>THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS</b>, with 130 illustrations. Contains +the most favorably known of the stories.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> +<h3><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198"></a>ALTEMUS' DEVOTIONAL SERIES.</h3> + +<div class="center">Standard Religious Literature Appropriately Bound in Handy Volume +Size. Each Volume contains Illuminated Title, Portrait of Author and +Appropriate Illustrations.<br /><br /></div> + +<div class="center"><i>WHITE VELLUM, SILVER AND MONOTINT, BOXED, EACH FIFTY CENTS.</i></div> +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> + +<p>1 <b>KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Will +perpetuate her name."</p> + +<p>2 <b>MY KING AND HIS SERVICE, OR DAILY THOUGHTS FOR THE KING'S +CHILDREN</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Simple, tender, gentle, and +full of Christian love."</p> + +<p>3 <b>MY POINT OF VIEW</b>. Selections from the works of Professor Henry +Drummond.</p> + +<p>4 <b>OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST</b>, by Thomas A'Kempis. "With the +exception of the Bible it is probably the book most read in Christian +literature."</p> + +<p>5 <b>ADDRESSES</b>, by Professor Henry Drummond. "Intelligent sympathy with +the Christian's need."</p> + +<p>6 <b>NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD</b>, by Professor Henry Drummond. +"A most notable book which has earned for the author a world-wide +reputation."</p> + +<p>7 <b>ADDRESSES</b>, by the Rev. Phillips Brooks. "Has exerted a marked +influence over the rising generation."</p> + +<p>8 <b>ABIDE IN CHRIST</b>. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Fellowship with +the Son of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. It cannot fail to stimulate +and cheer.—<i>Spurgeon.</i></p> + +<p>9 <b>LIKE CHRIST</b>. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Conformity to the Son +of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. A sequel to "Abide in Christ." "May +be read with comfort an edification by all."</p> + +<p>10 <b>WITH CHRIST IN THE SCHOOL OF PRAYER</b>, by the Rev. Andrew Murray. +"The best work on prayer in the language."<a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a></p> + +<p>11 <b>HOLY IN CHRIST</b>. Thoughts on the Calling of God's Children to be +holy as He is Holy. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. "This sacred theme is +treated Scripturally and robustly without spurious sentimentalism."</p> + +<p>12 <b>THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST</b>, by Thomas Hughes, author of "Tom Brown's +School Days," etc. "Evidences of the sublimest courage and manliness +in the boyhood, ministry, and in the last acts of Christ's life."</p> + +<p>13 <b>ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN</b>, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Seven +Addresses on common vices and their results.</p> + +<p>14 <b>THE PATHWAY OF SAFETY</b>, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. Sound +words of advice and encouragement on the text "What must I do to be +saved?"</p> + +<p>15 <b>THE CHRISTIAN LIFE</b>, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. A +beautiful delineation of an ideal life from the conversion to the +final reward.</p> + +<p>16 <b>THE THRONE OF GRACE</b>. Before which the burdened soul may cast +itself on the bosom of infinite love and enjoy in prayer "a peace +which passeth all understanding."</p> + +<p>17 <b>THE PATHWAY OF PROMISE</b>, by the author of "The Throne of Grace." +Thoughts consolatory and encouraging to the Christian pilgrim as he +journeys onward to his heavenly home.</p> + +<p>18 <b>THE IMPREGNABLE ROCK OF HOLY SCRIPTURE</b>, by the Rt. Hon William +Ewart Gladstone, M.P. The most masterly defence of the truths of the +Bible extant. The author says: The Christian Faith and the Holy +Scriptures arm us with the means of neutralizing and repelling the +assaults of evil in and from ourselves.</p> + +<p>19 <b>STEPS INTO THE BLESSED LIFE</b>, by the Rev. F.B. Meyer, B.A. A +powerful help towards sanctification.</p> + +<p>20 <b>THE MESSAGE OF PEACE</b>, by the Rev. Richard W. Church, D.D. Eight +excellent sermons on the advent of the Babe of Bethlehem and his +influence and effect on the world.</p> + +<p>21 <b>JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK</b>, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon.</p> + +<p>22 <b>JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES</b>, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon.</p> + +<p>23 <b>THE CHANGED CROSS; AND OTHER RELIGIOUS POEMS</b>.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> +<h3><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a>ALTEMUS' ETERNAL LIFE SERIES.</h3> + +<div class="center">Selections from the writings of well-known religious authors, +beautifully printed and daintily bound with original designs in silver +and ink.<br /><br /></div> + +<div class="center"><i>PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME.</i></div> +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> +<p>1 <b>ETERNAL LIFE</b>, by Professor Henry Drummond.</p> + +<p>2 <b>LORD, TEACH US TO PRAY</b>, by Rev. Andrew Murray.</p> + +<p>3 <b>GOD'S WORD AND GOD'S WORK</b>, by Martin Luther.</p> + +<p>4 <b>FAITH</b>, by Thomas Arnold.</p> + +<p>5 <b>THE CREATION STORY</b>, by Honorable William E. Gladstone.</p> + +<p>6 <b>THE MESSAGE OF COMFORT</b>, by Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden.</p> + +<p>7 <b>THE MESSAGE OF PEACE</b>, by Rev. R.W. Church.</p> + +<p>8 <b>THE LORD'S PRAYER AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS</b>, by Dean Stanley.</p> + +<p>9 <b>THE MEMOIRS OF JESUS</b>, by Rev. Robert F. Horton.</p> + +<p>10 <b>HYMNS OF PRAISE AND GLADNESS</b>, by Elisabeth R. Scovil.</p> + +<p>11 <b>DIFFICULTIES</b>, by Hannah Whitall Smith.</p> + +<p>12 <b>GAMBLERS AND GAMBLING</b>, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>13 <b>HAVE FAITH IN GOD</b>, by Rev. Andrew Murray.</p> + +<p>14 <b>TWELVE CAUSES OF DISHONESTY</b>, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>15 <b>THE CHRIST IN WHOM CHRISTIANS BELIEVE</b>, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks.</p> + +<p>16 <b>IN MY NAME</b>, by Rev. Andrew Murray.</p> + +<p>17 <b>SIX WARNINGS</b>, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>18 <b>THE DUTY OF THE CHRISTIAN BUSINESSMAN</b>, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks.</p> + +<p>19 <b>POPULAR AMUSEMENTS</b>, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>20 <b>TRUE LIBERTY</b>, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks.</p> + +<p>21 <b>INDUSTRY AND IDLENESS</b>, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>22 <b>THE BEAUTY OF A LIFE OF SERVICE</b>, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks.</p> + +<p>23 <b>THE SECOND COMING OF OUR LORD</b>, by Rev. A.T. Pierson, D.D.</p> + +<p>24 <b>THOUGHT AND ACTION</b>, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks.</p> + +<p>25 <b>THE HEAVENLY VISION</b>, by Rev. F.B. Meyer.</p> + +<p>26 <b>MORNING STRENGTH</b>, by Elisabeth R. Scovil.</p> + +<p>27 <b>FOR THE QUIET HOUR</b>, by Edith V. Bradt.</p> + +<p>28 <b>EVENING COMFORT</b>, by Elisabeth R. Scovil.</p> + +<p>29 <b>WORDS OF HELP FOR CHRISTIAN GIRLS</b>, by Rev. F.B. Meyer.</p> + +<p>30 <b>HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE</b>, by Rev. Dwight L. Moody.</p> + +<p>31 <b>EXPECTATION CORNER</b>, by E.S. Elliot.</p> + +<p>32 <b>JESSICA'S FIRST PRAYER</b>, by Hesba Stratton.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> +<h3><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a>ALTEMUS BELLES-LETTRES SERIES.</h3> + +<div class="center">A collection of Essays and Addresses by eminent English and American +Authors, beautifully printed and daintily bound, with original designs +in silver.<br /><br /></div> + +<div class="center"><i>PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME.</i></div> +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> + +<p>1 <b>INDEPENDENCE DAY</b>, by Rev. Edward E. Hale.</p> + +<p>2 <b>THE SCHOLAR IN POLITICS</b>, by Hon. Richard Olney.</p> + +<p>3 <b>THE YOUNG MAN IN BUSINESS</b>, by Edward W. Bok.</p> + +<p>4 <b>THE YOUNG MAN AND THE CHURCH</b>, by Edward W. Bok.</p> + +<p>5 <b>THE SPOILS SYSTEM</b>, by Hon. Carl Schurz.</p> + +<p>6 <b>CONVERSATION</b>, by Thomas DeQuincey.</p> + +<p>7 <b>SWEETNESS AND LIGHT</b>, by Matthew Arnold.</p> + +<p>8 <b>WORK</b>, by John Ruskin.</p> + +<p>9 <b>NATURE AND ART</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>10 <b>THE USE AND MISUSE OF BOOKS</b>, by Frederic Harrison.</p> + +<p>11 <b>THE MONROE DOCTRINE: ITS ORIGIN, MEANING AND APPLICATION</b>, by +Prof. John Bach McMaster (University of Pennsylvania).</p> + +<p>12 <b>THE DESTINY OF MAN</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>13 <b>LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>14 <b>RIP VAN WINKLE</b>, by Washington Irving.</p> + +<p>15 <b>ART, POETRY AND MUSIC</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>16 <b>THE CHOICE OF BOOKS</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>17 <b>MANNERS</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>18 <b>CHARACTER</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>19 <b>THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW</b>, by Washington Irving.</p> + +<p>20 <b>THE BEAUTIES OF NATURE</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>21 <b>SELF RELIANCE</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>22 <b>THE DUTY OF HAPPINESS</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>23 <b>SPIRITUAL LAWS</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>24 <b>OLD CHRISTMAS</b>, by Washington Irving.</p> + +<p>25 <b>HEALTH, WEALTH AND THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS</b>, by Sir John Lubbock.</p> + +<p>26 <b>INTELLECT</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>27 <b>WHY AMERICANS DISLIKE ENGLAND</b>, by Prof. Geo. B. Adams (Yale).</p> + +<p>28 <b>THE HIGHER EDUCATION AS A TRAINING FOR BUSINESS</b>, by Prof. Harry +Pratt Judson (University of Chicago).</p> + +<p>29 <b>MISS TOOSEY'S MISSION.</b></p> + +<p>30 <b>LADDIE.</b></p> + +<p>31 <b>J. COLE</b>, by Emma Gellibrand.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> +<h3><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a>ALTEMUS' NEW ILLUSTRATED VADEMECUM SERIES.</h3> + +<div class="center">Masterpieces of English and American literature, Handy Volume Size, +Large Type Editions. Each Volume Contains Illuminated Title Pages, and +Portrait of Author and Numerous Engravings<br /><br /></div> + +<div class="center"> +Full Cloth, ivory finish, ornamental inlaid sides and back, boxed, 40<br /> +Full White Vellum, full silver and monotint, boxed, 50<br /> +</div> + +<hr style='width: 20%;' /> + +<p>1 <b>CRANFORD</b>, by Mrs. Gaskell.</p> + +<p>2 <b>A WINDOW IN THRUMS</b>, by J.M. Barrie.</p> + +<p>3 <b>RAB AND HIS FRIENDS, MARJORIE FLEMING, ETC.</b>, by John Brown, M.D.</p> + +<p>4 <b>THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD</b>, by Oliver Goldsmith.</p> + +<p>5 <b>THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW</b>, by Jerome K. Jerome. "A book +for an idle holiday."</p> + +<p>6 <b>TALES FROM SHAKSPEARE</b>, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with an +introduction by the Rev. Alfred Ainger, M.D.</p> + +<p>7 <b>SESAME AND LILIES</b>, by John Ruskin. Three Lectures—I. Of the +King's Treasures. II. Of Queen's Garden. III. Of the Mystery of Life.</p> + +<p>8 <b>THE ETHICS OF THE DUST</b>, by John Ruskin. Ten lectures to little +housewives on the elements of crystalization.</p> + +<p>9 <b>THE PLEASURES OF LIFE</b>, by Sir John Lubbock. Complete in one +volume.</p> + +<p>10 <b>THE SCARLET LETTER</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p> + +<p>11 <b>THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p> + +<p>12 <b>MOSSES FROM AN OLD MANSE</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.<a name="Page_203" id="Page_203"></a></p> + +<p>13 <b>TWICE TOLD TALES</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p> + +<p>14 <b>THE ESSAYS OF FRANCIS (LORD) BACON WITH MEMOIRS AND NOTES.</b></p> + +<p>15 <b>ESSAYS</b>, First Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>16 <b>ESSAYS</b>, Second Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.</p> + +<p>17 <b>REPRESENTATIVE MEN</b>, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Mental portraits each +representing a class. 1. The Philosopher. 2. The Mystic. 3. The +Skeptic. 4. The Poet. 5. The Man of the World. 6. The Writer.</p> + +<p>18 <b>THOUGHTS OF THE EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS</b>, translated by +George Long.</p> + +<p>19 <b>THE DISCOURSES OF EPICTETUS WITH THE ENCHIRIDION</b>, translated by +George Long.</p> + +<p>20 <b>OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST</b>, by Thomas À Kempis. Four books +complete in one volume.</p> + +<p>21 <b>ADDRESSES</b>, by Professor Henry Drummond. The Greatest Thing in the +World; Pax Vobiscum; The Changed Life; How to Learn How; Dealing With +Doubt; Preparation for Learning: What is a Christian; The Study of the +Bible; A Talk on Books.</p> + +<p>22 <b>LETTERS, SENTENCES AND MAXIMS</b>, by Lord Chesterfield. Masterpieces +of good taste, good writing and good sense.</p> + +<p>23 <b>REVERIES OF A BACHELOR.</b> A book of the heart. By Ik Marvel.</p> + +<p>24 <b>DREAM LIFE</b>, by Ik Marvel. A companion to "Reveries of a +Bachelor."</p> + +<p>25 <b>SARTOR RESARTUS</b>, by Thomas Carlyle.</p> + +<p>26 <b>HEROES AND HERO WORSHIP</b>, by Thomas Carlyle.</p> + +<p>27 <b>UNCLE TOM'S CABIN</b>, by Harriet Beecher Stowe.</p> + +<p>28 <b>ESSAYS OF ELIA</b>, by Charles Lamb.<a name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a></p> + +<p>29 <b>MY POINT OF VIEW</b>. Representative selections from the works of +Professor Henry Drummond by William Shepard.</p> + +<p>30 <b>THE SKETCH BOOK</b>, by Washington Irving. Complete.</p> + +<p>31 <b>KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal.</p> + +<p>32 <b>LUCILE</b>, by Owen Meredith.</p> + +<p>33 <b>LALLA ROOKH</b>, by Thomas Moore.</p> + +<p>34 <b>THE LADY OF THE LAKE</b>, by Sir Walter Scott.</p> + +<p>35 <b>MARMION</b>, by Sir Walter Scott.</p> + +<p>36 <b>THE PRINCESS; AND MAUD</b>, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson.</p> + +<p>37 <b>CHILDE HAROLD'S PILGRIMAGE</b>, by Lord Byron.</p> + +<p>38 <b>IDYLLS OF THE KING</b>, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson.</p> + +<p>39 <b>EVANGELINE</b>, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.</p> + +<p>40 <b>VOICES OF THE NIGHT AND OTHER POEMS</b>, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow.</p> + +<p>41 <b>THE QUEEN OF THE AIR</b>, by John Ruskin. A study of the Greek myths +of cloud and storm.</p> + +<p>42 <b>THE BELFRY OF BRUGES AND OTHER POEMS</b>, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow.</p> + +<p>43 <b>POEMS</b>, Volume I, by John Greenleaf Whittier.</p> + +<p>44 <b>POEMS</b>, Volume II, by John Greenleaf Whittier.<a name="Page_205" id="Page_205"></a></p> + +<p>45 <b>THE RAVEN; AND OTHER POEMS</b>, by Edgar Allan Poe.</p> + +<p>46 <b>THANATOPSIS; AND OTHER POEMS</b>, by William Cullen Bryant.</p> + +<p>47 <b>THE LAST LEAF; AND OTHER POEMS</b>, by Oliver Wendell Holmes.</p> + +<p>48 <b>THE HEROES OR GREEK FAIRY TALES</b>, by Charles Kingsley.</p> + +<p>49 <b>A WONDER BOOK</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p> + +<p>50 <b>UNDINE</b>, by de La Motte Fouque.</p> + +<p>51 <b>ADDRESSES</b>, by the Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks.</p> + +<p>52 <b>BALZAC'S SHORTER STORIES</b>, by Honore de Balzac.</p> + +<p>53 <b>TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MAST</b>, by Richard H. Dana, Jr.</p> + +<p>54 <b>BENJAMIN FRANKLIN</b>. An Autobiography.</p> + +<p>55 <b>THE LAST ESSAYS OF ELIA</b>, by Charles Lamb.</p> + +<p>56 <b>TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS</b>, by Thomas Hughes.</p> + +<p>57 <b>WEIRD TALES</b>, by Edgar Allan Poe.</p> + +<p>58 <b>THE CROWN OF WILD OLIVE</b>, by John Ruskin. Three lectures on Work, +Traffic and War.</p> + +<p>59 <b>NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD</b>, by Professor Henry Drummond.</p> + +<p>60 <b>ABBE CONSTANTIN</b>, by Ludovic Halevy.</p> + +<p>61 <b>MANON LESCAUT</b>, by Abbe Prevost.<a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a></p> + +<p>62 <b>THE ROMANCE OF A POOR YOUNG MAN</b>, by Octave Feuillet.</p> + +<p>63 <b>BLACK BEAUTY</b>, by Anna Sewell.</p> + +<p>64 <b>CAMILLE</b>, by Alexander Dumas, Jr.</p> + +<p>65 <b>THE LIGHT OF ASIA</b>, by Sir Edwin Arnold.</p> + +<p>66 <b>THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME</b>, by Thomas Babington Macaulay.</p> + +<p>67 <b>THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER</b>, by Thomas De Quincey.</p> + +<p>68 <b>TREASURE ISLAND</b>, by Robert L. Stevenson.</p> + +<p>69 <b>CARMEN</b>, by Prosper Merimee.</p> + +<p>70 <b>A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY</b>, by Laurence Sterne.</p> + +<p>71 <b>THE BLITHEDALE ROMANCE</b>, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p> + +<p>72 <b>BAB BALLADS, AND SAVOY SONGS</b>, by W.H. Gilbert.</p> + +<p>73 <b>FANCHON, THE CRICKET</b>, by George Sand.</p> + +<p>74 <b>POEMS</b>, by James Russell Lowell.</p> + +<p>75 <b>JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK</b>, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon.</p> + +<p>76 <b>JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES</b>, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon.</p> + +<p>77 <b>THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST</b>, by Thomas Hughes.</p> + +<p>78 <b>ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN</b>, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher.</p> + +<p>79 <b>THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE</b>, by Oliver Wendell Holmes.<a name="Page_207" id="Page_207"></a></p> + +<p>80 <b>MULVANEY STORIES</b>, by Rudyard Kipling.</p> + +<p>81 <b>BALLADS</b>, by Rudyard Kipling.</p> + +<p>82 <b>MORNING THOUGHTS</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal.</p> + +<p>83 <b>TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM</b>, by T.S. Arthur.</p> + +<p>84 <b>EVENING THOUGHTS</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal.</p> + +<p>85 <b>IN MEMORIAM</b>, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson.</p> + +<p>86 <b>COMING TO CHRIST</b>, by Frances Ridley Havergal.</p> + +<p>87 <b>HOUSE OF THE WOLF</b>, by Stanley Weyman.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p><b>AMERICAN POLITICS (non-Partisan)</b>, by Hon. Thomas V. Cooper. A +history of all the Political Parties with their views and records on +all important questions. All political platforms from the beginning to +date. Great Speeches on Great issues. Parliamentary Practice and +tabulated history of chronological events. A library without this work +is deficient. 8vo., 750 pages. Cloth, $3.00. Full Sheep Library style, +$4.00.</p> + +<p><b>NAMES FOR CHILDREN</b>, by Elisabeth Robinson Scovil, author of "The +Care of Children," "Preparation for Motherhood." In family life there +is no question of greater weight or importance than naming the baby. +The author gives much good advice and many suggestions on the subject. +Cloth, 12mo., $.40.</p> + +<p><b>TRIF AND TRIXY</b>, by John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies." The +story is replete with vivid and spirited scenes; and is incomparably +the happiest and most delightful work Mr. Habberton has yet written. +Cloth, 12mo., $.35.</p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15370-h.txt or 15370-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15370</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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S. Gilbert + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs + +Author: W. S. Gilbert + +Release Date: March 15, 2005 [eBook #15370] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15370-h.htm or 15370-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h/15370-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h.zip) + + + + + +BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + +by + +W. H. GILBERT + +Philadelphia +Henry Altemus + + + + + + + +[Illustration: BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + + + +[Illustration] + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell" + +Captain Reece + +The Bishop and the Busman + +The Folly of Brown + +The Three Kings of Chickeraboo + +The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo + +To the Terrestrial Globe + +General John + +Sir Guy the Crusader + +King Borria Bungalee Boo + +The Troubadour + +The Force of Argument + +Only a Dancing Girl + +The Sensation Captain + +The Periwinkle Girl + +Bob Polter + +Gentle Alice Brown + +Ben Allah Achmet + +The Englishman + +The Disagreeable Man + +The Modern Major-General + +The Heavy Dragoon + +Only Roses + +They'll None of 'Em Be Missed + +The Policeman's Lot + +An Appeal + +Eheu Fugaces--! + +A Recipe + +The First Lord's Song + +When a Merry Maiden Marries + +The Suicide's Grave + +He and She + +The Lord Chancellor's Song + +Willow Waly + +The Usher's Charge + +King Goodheart + +The Tangled Skein + +Girl Graduates + +The Ape and the Lady + +Sans Souci + +The British Tar + +The Coming Bye and Bye + +The Sorcerer's Song + +Speculation + +The Duke of Plaza-Toro + +The Reward of Merit + +When I First Put This Uniform On + +Said I to Myself, Said I + +The Family Fool + +The Philosophic Pill + +The Contemplative Sentry + +Sorry Her Lot + +The Judge's Song + +True Diffidence + +The Highly Respectable Gondolier + +Don't Forget + +The Darned Mounseer + +The Humane Mikado + +The House of Peers + +The AEsthete + +Proper Pride + +The Baffled Grumbler + +The Working Monarch + +The Rover's Apology + +Would You Know + +The Magnet and the Churn + +Braid the Raven Hair + +Is Life a Boon? + +A Mirage + +A Merry Madrigal + +The Love-Sick Boy + + + + +THE BAB BALLADS. + + + + +THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL." + + + 'Twas on the shores that round our coast + From Deal to Ramsgate span, + That I found alone, on a piece of stone, + An elderly naval man. + + His hair was weedy, his beard was long, + And weedy and long was he, + And I heard this wight on the shore recite, + In a singular minor key: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + And he shook his fists and he tore his hair. + Till I really felt afraid; + For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, + And so I simply said: + + "Oh, elderly man it's little I know + Of the duties of men of the sea, + And I'll eat my hand if I understand + How you can possibly be + + "At once a cook, and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which + Is a trick all seamen larn, + And having got rid of a thumping quid, + He spun this painful yarn: + + "'Twas in the good ship _Nancy Bell_ + That we sailed to the Indian sea, + And there on a reef we come to grief, + Which has often occurred to me. + + "And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned + (There was seventy-seven o' soul), + And only ten of the _Nancy's_ men + Said 'Here!' to the muster roll. + + "There was me and the cook and the captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig. + + "For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink, + Till a-hungry we did feel, + So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot + The captain for our meal. + + "The next lot fell to the _Nancy's_ mate, + And a delicate dish he made; + Then our appetite with the midshipmite + We seven survivors stayed. + + "And then we murdered the bo'sun tight, + And he much resembled pig; + Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, + On the crew of the captain's gig. + + "Then only the cook and me was left, + And the delicate question, 'Which + Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose, + And we argued it out as sich. + + "For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, + And the cook he worshipped me; + But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed + In the other chap's hold, you see. + + "'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom, + 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'-- + 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, + And 'Exactly so,' quoth he. + + "Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me + Were a foolish thing to do, + For don't you see that you can't cook _me_, + While I can--and will--cook _you_!' + + "So, he boils the water, and takes the salt + And the pepper in portions true + (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, + And some sage and parsley too. + + "'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, + Which his smiling features tell, + ''T will soothing be if I let you see, + How extremely nice you'll smell,' + + "And he stirred it round and round and round, + And he sniffed the foaming froth; + When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals + In the scum of the boiling broth. + + "And I eat that cook in a week or less, + And--as I eating be + The last of his chops, why I almost drops, + For a wessel in sight I see. + + * * * * * + + "And I never larf, and I never smile, + And I never lark nor play, + But I sit and croak, and a single joke + I have--which is to say: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig!" + + + + + +CAPTAIN REECE. + + + Of all the ships upon the blue, + No ship contained a better crew + Than that of worthy Captain Reece. + Commanding of _The Mantelpiece_. + + He was adored by all his men, + For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., + Did all that lay within him to + Promote the comfort of his crew. + + If ever they were dull or sad, + Their captain danced to them like mad, + Or told, to make the time pass by, + Droll legends of his infancy. + + A feather bed had every man, + Warm slippers and hot-water can, + Brown windsor from the captain's store, + A valet, too, to every four. + + Did they with thirst in summer burn? + Lo, seltzogenes at every turn. + And on all very sultry days + Cream ices handed round on trays. + + Then currant wine and ginger pops + Stood handily on all the "tops:" + And, also, with amusement rife, + A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." + + New volumes came across the sea + From Mister Mudie's libraree; + _The Times_ and _Saturday Review_ + Beguiled the leisure of the crew. + + Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., + Was quite devoted to his men; + In point of fact, good Captain Reece + Beatified _The Mantelpiece_. + + One summer eve, at half-past ten, + He said (addressing all his men): + "Come, tell me, please, what I can do + To please and gratify my crew. + + "By any reasonable plan + I'll make you happy if I can; + My own convenience count as _nil_; + It is my duty, and I will." + + Then up and answered William Lee, + (The kindly captain's coxswain he, + A nervous, shy, low-spoken man) + He cleared his throat and thus began: + + "You have a daughter, Captain Reece, + Ten female cousins and a niece, + A ma, if what I'm told is true, + Six sisters, and an aunt or two. + + "Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, + More friendly-like we all should be. + If you united of 'em to + Unmarried members of the crew. + + "If you'd ameliorate our life, + Let each select from them a wife; + And as for nervous me, old pal, + Give me your own enchanting gal!" + + Good Captain Reece, that worthy man, + Debated on his coxswain's plan: + "I quite agree," he said. "O Bill; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "My daughter, that enchanting gurl, + has just been promised to an earl, + And all my other familee + To peers of various degree. + + "But what are dukes and viscounts to + The happiness of all my crew? + The word I gave you I'll fulfil; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "As you desire it shall befall, + I'll settle thousands on you all, + And I shall be, despite my hoard, + The only bachelor on board." + + The boatswain of _The Mantelpiece_, + He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece: + "I beg your honor's leave," he said, + "If you wish to go and wed, + + "I have a widowed mother who + Would be the very thing for you-- + She long has loved you from afar, + She washes for you, Captain R." + + The captain saw the dame that day-- + Addressed her in his playful way-- + "And did it want a wedding ring? + It was a tempting ickle sing! + + "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, + We'll all be married this day week-- + At yonder church upon the hill; + It is my duty, and I will!" + + The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, + And widowed ma of Captain Reece, + Attended there as they were bid; + It was their duty, and they did. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN. + + + It was a Bishop bold, + And London was his see, + He was short and stout and round about, + And zealous as could be. + + It also was a Jew, + Who drove a Putney bus-- + For flesh of swine however fine + He did not care a cuss. + + His name was Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew. + + The Bishop said, said he, + "I'll see what I can do + To Christianize and make you wise, + You poor benighted Jew." + + So every blessed day + That bus he rode outside, + From Fulham town, both up and down, + And loudly thus he cried:-- + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + At first the busman smiled, + And rather liked the fun-- + He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, + And said, "Eccentric one!" + + And gay young dogs would wait + To see the bus go by + (These gay young dogs in striking togs) + To hear the Bishop cry:-- + + "Observe his grisly beard, + His race it clearly shows, + He sticks no fork in ham or pork:-- + Observe, my friends, his nose. + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + But though at first amused, + Yet after seven years, + This Hebrew child got awful riled, + And busted into tears. + + He really almost feared + To leave his poor abode, + His nose, and name, and beard became + A byword on that road. + + At length he swore an oath, + The reason he would know-- + "I'll call and see why ever he + Does persecute me so." + + The good old bishop sat + On his ancestral chair, + The busman came, sent up his name, + And laid his grievance bare. + + "Benighted Jew," he said, + (And chuckled loud with joy) + "Be Christian you, instead of Jew-- + Become a Christian boy. + + "I'll ne'er annoy you more." + "Indeed?" replied the Jew. + "Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!" + Then "Done!" said he, "with you!" + + The organ which, in man, + Between the eyebrows grows, + Fell from his face, and in its place, + He found a Christian nose. + + His tangled Hebrew beard, + Which to his waist came down, + Was now a pair of whiskers fair-- + His name, Adolphus Brown. + + He wedded in a year, + That prelate's daughter Jane; + He's grown quite fair--has auburn hair-- + His wife is far from plain. + + + + + +THE FOLLY OF BROWN. + +BY A GENERAL AGENT. + + + I knew a boor--a clownish card, + (His only friends were pigs and cows and + The poultry of a small farmyard) + Who came into two hundred thousand. + + Good fortune worked no change in Brown, + Though she's a mighty social chymist: + He was a clown--and by a clown + I do not mean a pantomimist. + + It left him quiet, calm, and cool, + Though hardly knowing what a crown was-- + You can't imagine what a fool + Poor rich, uneducated Brown was! + + He scouted all who wished to come + And give him monetary schooling; + And I propose to give you some + Idea of his insensate fooling. + + I formed a company or two-- + (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, + _I_ formed them solely with a view + To help him to a sound investment). + + Their objects were--their only cares-- + To justify their Boards in showing + A handsome dividend on shares, + And keep their good promoter going. + + But no--the lout prefers his brass, + Though shares at par I freely proffer: + Yes--will it be believed?--the ass + Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer! + + He added, with a bumpkin's grin, + (A weakly intellect denoting) + He'd rather not invest it in + A company of my promoting! + + "You have two hundred 'thou' or more," + Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it. + Come, take my furnished second floor, + I'll gladly show you how to spend it." + + But will it be believed that he, + With grin upon his face of poppy, + Declined my aid, while thanking me + For what he called my "philanthroppy?" + + Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice + In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them; + They will not hear the charmer's voice, + However wisely he may charm them. + + I showed him that his coat, all dust, + Top boots and cords provoked compassion, + And proved that men of station must + Conform to the decrees of fashion. + + I showed him where to buy his hat, + To coat him, trouser him, and boot him; + But no--he wouldn't hear of that-- + "He didn't think the style would suit him!" + + I offered him a country seat, + And made no end of an oration; + I made it certainly complete, + And introduced the deputation. + + But no--the clown my prospects blights-- + (The worth of birth it surely teaches!) + "Why should I want to spend my nights + In Parliament, a-making speeches? + + "I haven't never been to school-- + I ain't had not no eddication-- + And I should surely be a fool + To publish that to all the nation!" + + I offered him a trotting horse-- + No hack had ever trotted faster-- + I also offered him, of course, + A rare and curious "old Master." + + I offered to procure him weeds-- + Wines fit for one in his position-- + But, though an ass in all his deeds, + He'd learnt the meaning of "commission." + + He called me "thief" the other day, + And daily from his door he thrusts me; + Much more of this, and soon I may + Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me. + + So deaf to all sound Reason's rule + This poor uneducated clown is, + You cannot fancy what a fool + Poor rich uneducated Brown is. + + + + + +THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO. + + + There were three niggers of Chickeraboo-- + Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop--who + Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, + "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way." + + The first was a highly-accomplished "bones," + The next elicited banjo tones, + The third was a quiet, retiring chap, + Who danced an excellent break-down "flap." + + "We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan + By which, whenever we like, we can + Extemporize islands near the beach, + And then we'll collar an island each. + + "Three casks, from somebody else's stores, + Shall rep-per-esent our island shores, + Their sides the ocean wide shall lave, + Their heads just topping the briny wave. + + "Great Britain's navy scours the sea, + And everywhere her ships they be, + She'll recognize our rank, perhaps, + When she discovers we're Royal Chaps. + + "If to her skirts you want to cling, + It's quite sufficient that you're a king: + She does not push inquiry far + To learn what sort of king you are." + + A ship of several thousand tons, + And mounting seventy-something guns, + Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue, + Discovering kings and countries new. + + The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip, + Commanding that superior ship, + Perceived one day, his glasses through, + The kings that came from Chickeraboo. + + "Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see + Three flourishing islands on our lee. + And, bless me! most extror'nary thing! + On every island stands a king! + + "Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried, + "And over the dancing waves I'll glide; + That low obeisance I may do + To those three kings of Chickeraboo!" + + The admiral pulled to the islands three; + The kings saluted him gracious_lee_. + The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, + Pulled out a printed Alliance form. + + "Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray-- + I come in a friendly kind of way-- + I come, if you please, with the best intents, + And Queen Victoria's compliments." + + The kings were pleased as they well could be; + The most retiring of all the three, + In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent + With a banjo-bones accompaniment. + + The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip + Embarked on board his jolly big ship, + Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, + And off he sailed to his native shore. + + Admiral Pip directly went + To the Lord at the head of the Government, + Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, + Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville. + + The College of Heralds permission yield + That he should quarter upon his shield + Three islands, _vert_, on a field of blue, + With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo." + + Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, + Are going to sail for Chickeraboo, + And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck, + A bishop, who's going out there on spec. + + And let us all hope that blissful things + May come of alliance with darkey kings. + Oh, may we never, whatever we do, + Declare a war with Chickeraboo! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO. + + + From east and south the holy clan + Of bishops gathered, to a man; + To synod, called Pan-Anglican; + In flocking crowds they came. + Among them was a Bishop, who + Had lately been appointed to + The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, + And Peter was his name. + + His people--twenty-three in sum-- + They played the eloquent tum-tum + And lived on scalps served up in rum-- + The only sauce they knew, + When, first good Bishop Peter came + (For Peter was that Bishop's name), + To humor them, he did the same + As they of Rum-ti-Foo. + + His flock, I've often heard him tell, + (His name was Peter) loved him well, + And summoned by the sound of bell, + In crowds together came. + "Oh, massa, why you go away? + Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." + (They called him Peter, people say, + Because it was his name.) + + He told them all good boys to be, + And sailed away across the sea. + At London Bridge that Bishop he + Arrived one Tuesday night-- + And as that night he homeward strode + To his Pan-Anglican abode, + He passed along the Borough Road + And saw a gruesome sight. + + He saw a crowd assembled round + A person dancing on the ground, + Who straight began to leap and bound + With all his might and main. + To see that dancing man he stopped. + Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, + Then down incontinently dropped, + And then sprang up again. + + The Bishop chuckled at the sight, + "This style of dancing would delight + A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. + I'll learn it, if I can, + To please the tribe when I get back." + He begged the man to teach his knack. + "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," + Replied that dancing man. + + The dancing man he worked away + And taught the Bishop every day-- + The dancer skipped like any fay-- + Good Peter did the same. + The Bishop buckled to his task + With _battements_, cuts, and _pas de basque_ + (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, + That Peter was his name). + + "Come, walk like this," the dancer said, + "Stick out your toes--stick in your head. + Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-- + Your fingers thus extend; + The attitude's considered quaint," + The weary Bishop, feeling faint, + Replied, "I do not say it ain't, + But 'Time!' my Christian friend!" + + "We now proceed to something new-- + Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, + Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two." + The Bishop, never proud, + But in an overwhelming heat + (His name was Peter, I repeat), + Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, + And puffed his thanks aloud. + + Another game the dancer planned-- + "Just take your ankle in your hand, + And try, my lord, if you can stand-- + Your body stiff and stark. + If, when revisiting your see, + You learnt to hop on shore--like me-- + The novelty must striking be, + And must excite remark." + + "No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; + That is a length to which, I trow, + Colonial Bishops cannot go. + You may express surprise + At finding Bishops deal in pride-- + But, if that trick I ever tried, + I should appear undignified + In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes. + + "The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo + Are well-conducted persons, who + Approve a joke as much as you, + And laugh at it as such; + But if they saw their Bishop land, + His leg supported in his hand, + The joke they wouldn't understand-- + 'Twould pain them very much!" + + + + +TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE. + +BY A MISERABLE WRETCH. + + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through pathless realms of Space + Roll on! + What, though I'm in a sorry case? + What, though I cannot meet my bills? + What, though I suffer toothache's ills? + What, though I swallow countless pills? + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through seas of inky air + Roll on! + It's true I've got no shirts to wear; + It's true my butcher's bill is due; + It's true my prospects all look blue-- + But don't let that unsettle you! + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + _(It rolls on.)_ + + + + + +GENERAL JOHN. + + + The bravest names for fire and flames, + And all that mortal durst, + Were General John and Private James, + Of the Sixty-seventy-first. + + General John was a soldier tried, + A chief of warlike dons; + A haughty stride and a withering pride + Were Major-General John's. + + A sneer would play on his martial phiz, + Superior birth to show; + "Pish!" was a favorite word of his, + And he often said "Ho! ho!" + + Full-Private James described might be, + As a man of a mournful mind; + No characteristic trait had he + Of any distinctive kind. + + From the ranks, one day, cried Private James + "Oh! Major-General John, + I've doubts of our respective names, + My mournful mind upon. + + "A glimmering thought occurs to me, + (Its source I can't unearth) + But I've a kind of notion we + Were cruelly changed at birth. + + "I've a strange idea, each other's names + That we have each got on, + Such things have been," said Private James. + "They have!" sneered General John. + + "My General John, I swear upon + My oath I think 'tis so"-- + "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John, + And he also said "Ho! ho!" + + "My General John! my General John! + My General John!" quoth he, + "This aristocratical sneer upon + Your face I blush to see! + + "No truly great or generous cove + Deserving of them names + Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove + In the mind of a Private James!" + + Said General John, "Upon your claims + No need your breath to waste; + If this is a joke, Full-Private James, + It's a joke of doubtful taste. + + "But being a man of doubtless worth, + If you feel certain quite + That we were probably changed at birth, + I'll venture to say you're right." + + So General John as Private James + Fell in, parade upon; + And Private James, by change of names, + Was Major-General John. + + + + + +SIR GUY THE CRUSADER. + + + Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, + A muscular knight, + Ever ready to fight, + A very determined invader. + And Dickey de Lion's delight. + + Lenore was a Saracen maiden, + Brunette, statuesque, + The reverse of grotesque; + Her pa was a bagman at Aden, + Her mother she played in burlesque. + + A _coryphee_ pretty and loyal. + In amber and red, + The ballet she led; + Her mother performed at the Royal, + Lenore at the Saracen's Head. + + Of face and of figure majestic, + She dazzled the cits-- + Ecstaticized pits;-- + Her troubles were only domestic, + But drove her half out of her wits. + + Her father incessantly lashed her, + On water and bread + She was grudgingly fed; + Whenever her father he thrashed her + Her mother sat down on her head. + + Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, + For beauty so bright, + Set him mad with delight; + He purchased a stall for the season + And sat in it every night. + + His views were exceedingly proper; + He wanted to wed, + So he called at her shed + And saw her progenitor whop her-- + Her mother sit down on her head. + + "So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! + You brute of a dad, + You unprincipled cad, + Your conduct is really disgusting. + Come, come, now, admit it's too bad! + + "You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant; + Your daughter Lenore + I intensely adore + And I cannot help feeling indignant, + A fact that I hinted before. + + "To see a fond father employing + A deuce of a knout + For to bang her about. + To a sensitive lover's annoying." + Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out!" + + Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden + With a big spiky knob. + Stand idly and sob. + While a beautiful Saracen maiden + Is whipped by a Saracen snob? + + "To London I'll go from my charmer." + Which he did, with his loot + (Seven hats and a flute), + And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor, + At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit. + + Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, + Her pa, in a rage, + Died (don't know his age), + His daughter, she married the prompter, + Grew bulky and quitted the stage. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO. + + + King Borria Bungalee Boo + Was a man-eating African swell; + His sigh was a hullaballoo, + His whisper a horrible yell-- + A horrible, horrible yell! + + Four subjects, and all of them male, + To Borria doubled the knee, + They were once on a far larger scale, + But he'd eaten the balance, you see + ("Scale" and "balance" is punning, you see.) + + There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, + There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Deh, + Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah, + And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh. + + One day there was grief in the crew, + For they hadn't a morsel of meat, + And Borria Bungalee Boo + Was dying for something to eat-- + "Come provide me with something to eat!" + + "Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel; + Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + Where on earth shall I look for a meal? + For I haven't no dinner to-day!-- + Not a morsel of dinner to-day! + + "Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do? + Come, get us a meal, or in truth, + If you don't we shall have to eat you, + Oh, adorable friend of our youth! + Thou beloved little friend of our youth!" + + And he answered, "Oh Bungalee Boo, + For a moment I hope you will wait-- + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo + Is the queen of a neighboring state-- + A remarkably neighboring state. + + "Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo, + She would pickle deliciously cold-- + And her four pretty Amazons, too, + Are enticing, and not very old-- + Twenty-seven is not very old. + + "There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah, + There is jocular Waggety-Weh. + There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah-- + There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!" + + So the forces of Bungalee Boo + Marched forth in a terrible row, + And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo + Prepared to encounter the foe-- + This dreadful insatiate foe! + + But they sharpened no weapons at all, + And they poisoned no arrows--not they! + They made ready to conquer or fall + In a totally different way-- + An entirely different way. + + With a crimson and pearly-white dye + They endeavored to make themselves fair, + With black they encircled each eye, + And with yellow they painted their hair + (It was wool, but they thought it was hair). + + And the forces they met in the field-- + And the men of King Borria said, + "Amazonians, immediately yield!" + And their arrows they drew to the head, + Yes, drew them right up to the head. + + But jocular Waggety-Weh, + Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong) + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along! + You naughty old dear, go along!" + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan; + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah, + Said "Pish, go away, you bad man! + Go away, you delightful young man!" + + And the Amazons simpered and sighed, + And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, + And they opened their pretty eyes wide, + And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed + (At least, if they could, they'd have blushed). + + But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah + Said, "Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean?" + And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah + Said, "They think us uncommonly green, + Ha! ha! most uncommonly green!" + + Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh + Was insensible quite to their leers + And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + "It's your blood we desire, pretty dears-- + We have come for our dinners, my dears!" + + And the Queen of the Amazons fell + To Borria Bungalee Boo, + In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo-- + The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-Loo. + + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh + Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah, + And light-hearted Waggety-Weh + By dismal Alack-a-Deh-Ah-- + Despairing Alack-a-Deh-Ah. + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh, + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah + By good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh! + + + + + +THE TROUBADOUR. + + + A troubadour he played + Without a castle wall, + Within, a hapless maid + Responded to his call. + + "Oh, willow, woe is me! + Alack and well-a-day! + If I were only free + I'd hie me far away!" + + Unknown her face and name, + But this he knew right well, + The maiden's wailing came + From out a dungeon cell. + + A hapless woman lay + Within that dungeon grim-- + That fact, I've heard him say. + Was quite enough for him. + + "I will not sit or lie, + Or eat or drink, I vow. + Till thou art free as I, + Or I as pent as thou." + + Her tears then ceased to flow, + Her wails no longer rang, + And tuneful in her woe + The prisoned maiden sang: + + "Oh, stranger, as you play + I recognize your touch; + And all that I can say + Is, thank you very much." + + He seized his clarion straight, + And blew thereat, until + A warden oped the gate, + "Oh, what might be your will?" + + "I've come, sir knave, to see + The master of these halls: + A maid unwillingly + Lies prisoned in their walls." + + With barely stifled sigh + That porter drooped his head, + With teardrops in his eye, + "A many, sir," he said. + + He stayed to hear no more, + But pushed that porter by, + And shortly stood before + Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye. + + Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, + "What would you, sir, with me?" + The troubadour he downed + Upon his bended knee. + + "I've come, De Peckham Rye, + To do a Christian task; + You ask me what would I? + It is not much I ask. + + "Release these maidens, sir, + Whom you dominion o'er-- + Particularly her + Upon the second floor. + + "And if you don't, my lord"-- + He here stood bolt upright, + And tapped a tailor's sword-- + "Come out, you cad, and fight!" + + Sir Hugh he called--and ran + The warden from the gate: + "Go, show this gentleman + The maid in forty-eight." + + By many a cell they past, + And stopped at length before + A portal, bolted fast: + The man unlocked the door. + + He called inside the gate + With coarse and brutal shout, + "Come, step it, Forty-eight!" + And Forty-eight stepped out. + + "They gets it pretty hot, + The maidens what we cotch-- + Two years this lady's got + For collaring a wotch." + + "Oh, ah!--indeed--I see," + The troubadour exclaimed-- + "If I may make so free, + How is this castle named?" + + The warden's eyelids fill, + And sighing, he replied, + "Of gloomy Pentonville + This is the female side!" + + The minstrel did not wait + The warden stout to thank, + But recollected straight + He'd business at the Bank. + + + + + +THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT. + + + Lord B. was a nobleman bold, + Who came of illustrious stocks, + He was thirty or forty years old, + And several feet in his socks. + + To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea + This elegant nobleman went, + For that was a borough that he + Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent. + + At local assemblies he danced + Until he felt thoroughly ill-- + He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced, + And threaded the mazy quadrille. + + The maidens of Turniptopville + Were simple--ingenuous--pure-- + And they all worked away with a will + The nobleman's heart to secure. + + Two maidens all others beyond + Imagined their chances looked well-- + The one was the lively Ann Pond, + The other sad Mary Morell. + + Ann Pond had determined to try + And carry the Earl with a rush. + Her principal feature was eye, + Her greatest accomplishment--gush. + + And Mary chose this for her play, + Whenever he looked in her eye + She'd blush and turn quickly away, + And flitter and flutter and sigh. + + It was noticed he constantly sighed + As she worked out the scheme she had planned-- + A fact he endeavored to hide + With his aristocratical hand. + + Old Pond was a farmer, they say, + And so was old Tommy Morell, + In a humble and pottering way + They were doing exceedingly well. + + They both of them carried by vote + The Earl was a dangerous man, + So nervously clearing his throat, + One morning old Tommy began: + + "My darter's no pratty young doll-- + I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man-- + Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll, + And what do 'ee mean by his Ann?" + + Said B., "I will give you my bond + I mean them uncommonly well, + Believe me, my excellent Pond, + And credit me, worthy Morell. + + "It's quite indisputable, for + I'll prove it with singular ease, + You shall have it in 'Barbara' or + 'Celarent'--whichever you please. + + "You see, when an anchorite bows + To the yoke of intentional sin-- + If the state of the country allows, + Homogeny always steps in. + + "It's a highly aesthetical bond, + As any mere ploughboy can tell"-- + "Of course," replied puzzled old Pond. + "I see," said old Tommy Morell. + + "Very good then," continued the lord, + "When its fooled to the top of its bent, + With a sweep of a Damocles sword + The web of intention is rent. + + "That's patent to all of us here, + As any mere schoolboy can tell." + Pond answered, "Of course it's quite clear;" + And so did that humbug Morell. + + "It's tone esoteric in force-- + I trust that I make myself clear?"-- + Morell only answered "Of course,"-- + While Pond slowly muttered, "Hear, hear." + + "Volition--celestial prize, + Pellucid as porphyry cell-- + Is based on a principle wise." + "Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell. + + "From what I have said, you will see + That I couldn't wed either--in fine, + By nature's unchanging decree + _Your_ daughters could never be _mine_. + + "Go home to your pigs and your ricks, + My hands of the matter I've rinsed." + So they take up their hats and their sticks, + And _exeunt ambo_, convinced. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +ONLY A DANCING GIRL. + + + Only a dancing girl, + With an unromantic style, + With borrowed color and curl, + With fixed mechanical smile, + With many a hackneyed wile, + With ungrammatical lips, + And corns that mar her trips! + + Hung from the "flies" in air, + She acts a palpable lie, + She's as little a fairy there + As unpoetical I! + I hear you asking, Why-- + Why in the world I sing + This tawdry, tinselled thing? + + No airy fairy she, + As she hangs in arsenic green, + From a highly impossible tree, + In a highly impossible scene + (Herself not over clean). + For fays don't suffer, I'm told, + From bunions, coughs, or cold. + + And stately dames that bring + Their daughters there to see, + Pronounce the "dancing thing" + No better than she should be. + With her skirt at her shameful knee, + And her painted, tainted phiz: + Ah, matron, which of us is? + + (And, in sooth, it oft occurs + That while these matrons sigh, + Their dresses are lower than hers, + And sometimes half as high; + And their hair is hair they buy, + And they use their glasses, too, + In a way she'd blush to do.) + + But change her gold and green + For a coarse merino gown, + And see her upon the scene + Of her home, when coaxing down + Her drunken father's frown, + In his squalid, cheerless den: + She's a fairy truly, then! + + + + + +THE SENSATION CAPTAIN. + + + No nobler captain ever trod + Than Captain Parklebury Todd, + So good--so wise--so brave, he! + But still, as all his friends would own, + He had one folly--one alone-- + This Captain in the Navy. + + I do not think I ever knew + A man so wholly given to + Creating a sensation; + Or p'r'aps I should in justice say-- + To what in an Adelphi play + Is known as "Situation." + + He passed his time designing traps + To flurry unsuspicious chaps-- + The taste was his innately-- + He couldn't walk into a room + Without ejaculating "Boom!" + Which startled ladies greatly. + + He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, + Not, you will understand, in joke, + As some assume disguises. + He did it, actuated by + A simple love of mystery + And fondness for surprises. + + I need not say he loved a maid-- + His eloquence threw into shade + All others who adored her: + The maid, though pleased at first, I know, + Found, after several years or so, + Her startling lover bored her. + + So, when his orders came to sail, + She did not faint or scream or wail, + Or with her tears anoint him. + She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye;" + With laughter dancing in her eye-- + Which seemed to disappoint him. + + But ere he went aboard his boat + He placed around her little throat + A ribbon blue and yellow, + On which he hung a double tooth-- + A simple token this, in sooth-- + 'Twas all he had, poor fellow! + + "I often wonder," he would say, + When very, very far away, + "If Angelina wears it! + A plan has entered in my head, + I will pretend that I am dead, + And see how Angy bears it!" + + The news he made a messmate tell: + His Angelina bore it well, + No sign gave she of crazing; + But, steady as the Inchcape rock + His Angelina stood the shock + With fortitude amazing. + + She said, "Some one I must elect + Poor Angelina to protect + From all who wish to harm her. + Since worthy Captain Todd is dead + I rather feel inclined to wed + A comfortable farmer." + + A comfortable farmer came + (Bassanio Tyler was his name) + Who had no end of treasure: + He said, "My noble gal, be mine!" + The noble gal did not decline, + But simply said, "With pleasure." + + When this was told to Captain Todd, + At first he thought it rather odd, + And felt some perturbation; + But very long he did not grieve, + He thought he could a way perceive + To _such_ a situation! + + "I'll not reveal myself," said he, + "Till they are both in the Eccle- + siastical Arena; + Then suddenly I will appear, + And paralyzing them with fear, + Demand my Angelina!" + + At length arrived the wedding day-- + Accoutred in the usual way + Appeared the bridal body-- + The worthy clergyman began, + When in the gallant captain ran + And cried, "Behold your Toddy!" + + The bridegroom, p'r'aps, was terrified, + And also possibly the bride-- + The bridesmaids _were_ affrighted; + But Angelina, noble soul, + Contrived her feelings to control, + And really seemed delighted. + + "My bride!" said gallant Captain Todd, + "She's mine, uninteresting clod, + My own, my darling charmer!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "you're just too late, + I'm married to, I beg to state, + This comfortable farmer!" + + "Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mine, + You've been and cut it far too fine!" + "I see," said Todd, "I'm beaten." + And so he went to sea once more, + "Sensation" he for aye forswore, + And married on her native shore + A lady whom he'd met before-- + A lovely Otaheitan. + + + + + +THE PERIWINKLE GIRL. + + + I've often thought that headstrong youths, + Of decent education, + Determine all-important truths + With strange precipitation. + + The over-ready victims they, + Of logical illusions, + And in a self-assertive way + They jump at strange conclusions. + + Now take my case: Ere sorrow could + My ample forehead wrinkle, + I had determined that I would + Not like to be a winkle. + + "A winkle," I would oft advance + With readiness provoking, + "Can seldom flirt, and never dance + Or soothe his mind by smoking." + + In short, I spurned the shelly joy, + And spoke with strange decision-- + Men pointed to me as a boy + Who held them in derision. + + But I was young--too young, by far-- + Or I had been more wary, + I knew not then that winkles are + The stock-in-trade of Mary. + + I had not seen her sunlight blithe + As o'er their shells it dances, + I've seen those winkles almost writhe + Beneath her beaming glances. + + Of slighting all the winkly brood + I surely had been chary, + If I had known they formed the food + And stock-in-trade of Mary. + + Both high and low and great and small + Fell prostrate at her tootsies, + They all were noblemen, and all + Had balances at Coutts's. + + Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, + Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy, + Who eat her winkles till they felt + Exceedingly uncomfy. + + Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes, + And sticks, they say, at no-thing. + He wears a pair of golden boots + And silver underclothing. + + Duke Humphy, as I understand. + Though mentally acuter, + His boots are only silver, and + His underclothing pewter. + + A third adorer had the girl, + A man of lowly station-- + A miserable grov'ling earl + Besought her approbation. + + This humble cad she did refuse + With much contempt and loathing; + He wore a pair of leather shoes + And cambric underclothing! + + "Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my word! + Well, really--come, I never! + Oh, go along, it's too absurd! + My goodness! Did you ever? + + "Two dukes would make their Bowles a bride, + And from her foes defend her"-- + "Well, not exactly that," they cried, + "We offer guilty splendor. + + "We do not offer marriage rite, + So please dismiss the notion!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "that alters quite + The state of my emotion." + + The earl he up and says, says he, + "Dismiss them to their orgies, + For I am game to marry thee + Quite reg'lar at St. George's." + + He'd had, it happily befell, + A decent education; + His views would have befitted well + A far superior station. + + His sterling worth had worked a cure, + She never heard him grumble; + She saw his soul was good and pure + Although his rank was humble. + + Her views of earldoms and their lot, + All underwent expansion; + Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot! + Go, Vice in ducal mansion! + + + + + +BOB POLTER. + + + Bob Polter was a navvy, and + His hands were coarse, and dirty too, + His homely face was rough and tanned, + His time of life was thirty-two. + + He lived among a working clan + (A wife he hadn't got at all), + A decent, steady, sober man-- + No saint, however--not at all. + + He smoked, but in a modest way, + Because he thought he needed it; + He drank a pot of beer a day, + And sometimes he exceeded it. + + At times he'd pass with other men + A loud convivial night or two, + With, very likely, now and then, + On Saturdays, a fight or two. + + But still he was a sober soul, + A labor-never-shirking man, + Who paid his way--upon the whole + A decent English working man. + + One day, when at the Nelson's Head, + (For which he may be blamed of you) + A holy man appeared and said, + "Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you." + + He laid his hand on Robert's beer + Before he could drink up any, + And on the floor, with sigh and tear, + He poured the pot of "thruppenny." + + "Oh, Robert, at this very bar, + A truth you'll be discovering, + A good and evil genius are + Around your noddle hovering. + + "They both are here to bid you shun + The other one's society, + For Total Abstinence is one, + The other Inebriety." + + He waved his hand--a vapor came-- + A wizard, Polter reckoned him: + A bogy rose and called his name, + And with his finger beckoned him. + + The monster's salient points to sum, + His heavy breath was portery; + His glowing nose suggested rum; + His eyes were gin-and-wortery. + + His dress was torn--for dregs of ale + And slops of gin had rusted it; + His pimpled face was wan and pale, + Where filth had not encrusted it. + + "Come, Polter," said the fiend, "begin, + And keep the bowl a-flowing on-- + A working-man needs pints of gin + To keep his clockwork going on." + + Bob shuddered: "Ah, you've made a miss, + If you take me for one of you-- + You filthy beast, get out of this-- + Bob Polter don't want none of you." + + The demon gave a drunken shriek + And crept away in stealthiness, + And lo, instead, a person sleek + Who seemed to burst with healthiness. + + "In me, as your advisor hints, + Of Abstinence you have got a type-- + Of Mr. Tweedle's pretty prints + I am the happy prototype. + + "If you abjure the social toast, + And pipes, and such frivolities, + You possibly some day may boast + My prepossessing qualities!" + + Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, + "You almost make me tremble, you! + If I abjure fermented drink, + Shall I, indeed, resemble you? + + "And will my whiskers curl so tight? + My cheeks grow smug and muttony? + My face become so red and white? + My coat so blue and buttony? + + "Will trousers, such as yours, array + Extremities inferior? + Will chubbiness assert its sway + All over my exterior? + + "In this, my unenlightened state, + To work in heavy boots I comes, + Will pumps henceforward decorate + My tiddle toddle tootsicums? + + "And shall I get so plump and fresh, + And look no longer seedily? + My skin will henceforth fit my flesh + So tightly and so Tweedie-ly?" + + The phantom said, "You'll have all this, + You'll know no kind of huffiness, + Your life will be one chubby bliss, + One long unruffled puffiness!" + + "Be off!" said irritated Bob. + "Why come you here to bother one? + You pharisaical old snob, + You're wuss almost than t'other one! + + "I takes my pipe--I takes my pot, + And drunk I'm never seen to be: + I'm no teetotaller or sot, + And as I am I mean to be!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +GENTLE ALICE BROWN. + + + It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown; + Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; + Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; + But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing. + + As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, + A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way; + She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, + That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!" + + And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen, + She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, + A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road + (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode). + + But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise + To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; + So she sought the village priest, to whom her family confessed, + The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed. + + "Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not? + To discover that I was a most disreputable lot! + Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!" + The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?" + + "I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, + I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad, + I've planned a little burglary and forged a little check, + And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!" + + The worthy pastor heaved a sigh and dropped a silent tear-- + And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-- + It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece: + But sins like that one expiates at half-a-crown apiece. + + "Girls will be girls--you're very young, and flighty in your mind; + Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find; + We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks-- + Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six." + + "Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, + You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-- + Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; + But, O, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!" + + "A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes, + I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies: + He passes by it every day as certain as can be-- + I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!" + + "For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word + This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. + Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand + To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band! + + "This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so! + They are the most remunerative customers I know; + For many years they've kept starvation from my doors, + I never knew so criminal a family as yours! + + "The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood + Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; + And if you marry any one respectable at all, + Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?" + + The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, + And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown; + To tell him how his daughter, who now was for marriage fit, + Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. + + Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well, + He said "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; + I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, + And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. + + "I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two, + Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do-- + A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall + When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small." + + He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; + He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware; + He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, + And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed. + + And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, + She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, + Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand + On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band. + + + + + +BEN ALLAH ACHMET; + +OR, THE FATAL TUM. + + + I once did know a Turkish man + Whom I upon a two-pair-back met, + His name it was Effendi Khan + Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet. + + A Doctor Brown I also knew-- + I've often eaten of his bounty-- + The Turk and he they lived at Hooe, + In Sussex, that delightful county. + + I knew a nice young lady there, + Her name was Isabella Sherson, + And though she wore another's hair, + She was an interesting person. + + The Turk adored the maid of Hooe + (Although his harem would have shocked her); + But Brown adored that maiden, too: + He was a most seductive doctor. + + They'd follow her where'er she'd go-- + A course of action most improper; + She neither knew by sight, and so + For neither of them cared a copper. + + Brown did not know that Turkish male, + He might have been his sainted mother: + The people in this simple tale + Are total strangers to each other. + + One day that Turk he sickened sore + Which threw him straight into a sharp pet; + He threw himself upon the floor + And rolled about upon his--carpet. + + It made him moan--it made him groan + And almost wore him to a mummy: + Why should I hesitate to own + That pain was in his little tummy? + + At length a Doctor came and rung + (As Allah Achmet had desired) + Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue, + And hummed and hawed, and then inquired: + + "Where is the pain, that long has preyed + Upon you in so sad a way, sir?" + The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said, + "I don't exactly like to say, sir." + + "Come, nonsense!" said good Doctor Brown, + "So this is Turkish coyness, is it? + You must contrive to fight it down-- + Come, come, sir, please to be explicit." + + The Turk he shyly bit his thumb, + And coyly blushed like one half-witted, + "The pain is in my little tum," + He, whispering, at length admitted. + + "Then take you this, and take you that-- + Your blood flows sluggish in its channel-- + You must get rid of all this fat, + And wear my medicated flannel. + + "You'll send for me, when you're in need-- + My name is Brown--your life I've saved it!" + "My rival!" shrieked the invalid, + And drew a mighty sword and waved it. + + "This to thy weazand, Christian pest!" + Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it, + And drove right through the Doctor's chest + The sabre and the hand that held it. + + The blow was a decisive one, + And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty-- + "Now see the mischief that you've done,-- + You Turks are so extremely hasty. + + "There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe, + _He's_ short and stout--_I'm_ tall and wizen; + You've been and run the wrong one through, + That's how the error has arisen." + + The accident was thus explained, + Apologies were only heard now: + "At my mistake I'm really pained, + I am, indeed, upon my word now." + + "With me, sir, you shall be interred, + A Mausoleum grand awaits me"-- + "Oh, pray don't say another word, + I'm sure that more than compensates me. + + "But, p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?" + "There's room," said he, "for any number." + And so they laid them down and died. + In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber. + + + + + +SONGS OF A SAVOYARD + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ENGLISHMAN. + + + He is an Englishman! + For he himself has said it, + And it's greatly to his credit, + That he is an Englishman! + For he might have been a Roosian, + A French, or Turk, or Proosian, + Or perhaps Itali-an! + But in spite of all temptations, + To belong to other nations, + He remains an Englishman! + Hurrah! + For the true born Englishman! + + + + + +THE DISAGREEABLE MAN. + + + If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: + I'm a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham. + Each little fault of temper and each social defect + In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct. + To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes + And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; + I love my fellow creatures--I do all the good I can-- + Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; + And vanity I always do my best to mortify; + A charitable action I can skilfully dissect: + And interested motives I'm delighted to detect. + I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, + And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns; + But to benefit humanity, however much I plan, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be; + You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; + I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer; + I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer; + To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; + I can tell a woman's age in half a minute--and I do-- + But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + + + + +THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL. + + + I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral. + I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral; + I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, + From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; + I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, + I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, + About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, + With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. + I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, + I know the scientific names of beings animalculous, + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + I know our mythic history--King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's, + I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox, + I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, + In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. + I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, + I know the croaking chorus from the "Frogs" of Aristophanes, + Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, + And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore." + Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, + And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform. + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + In fact when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin," + When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin, + When such affairs as _sorties_ and surprises I'm more wary at, + And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, + When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery, + When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, + In short when I've a smattering of elementary strategy, + You'll say a better Major-Gener_al_ has never _sat_ a gee-- + For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, + Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century, + But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + + + + +THE HEAVY DRAGOON. + + + If you want a receipt for that popular mystery + Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, + Take all the remarkable people in history, + Rattle them off to a popular tune! + The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the _Victory_-- + Genius of Bismarck devising a plan; + The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- + Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- + The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico-- + Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- + The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- + Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- + The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery-- + Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray + Victor Emmanuel--peak-haunting Peveril-- + Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- + Tupper and Tennyson--Daniel Defoe-- + Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon, + Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- + The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon-- + Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban-- + A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- + Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- + The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- + Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- + The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal-- + Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal + Flavor of Hamlet--the Stranger, a touch of him-- + Little of Manfred, (but not very much of him)-- + Beadle of Burlington--Richardson's show; + Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + + + + +ONLY ROSES! + + + To a garden full of posies + Cometh one to gather flowers, + And he wanders through its bowers + Toying with the wanton roses, + Who, uprising from their beds, + Hold on high their shameless heads + With their pretty lips a-pouting, + Never doubting--never doubting + That for Cytherean posies + He would gather aught but roses! + + In a nest of weeds and nettles, + Lay a violet, half hidden, + Hoping that his glance unbidden + Yet might fall upon her petals, + Though she lived alone, apart, + Hope lay nestling at her heart, + But, alas! the cruel awaking + Set her little heart a-breaking, + For he gathered for his posies + Only roses--only roses! + + + + + +THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED. + + + As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, + I've got a little list--I've got a little list + Of social offenders who might well be underground, + And who never would be missed--who never would be missed! + There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- + All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- + All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat-- + All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like _that_-- + And all third persons who on spoiling _tete-a-tetes_ insist-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, + And the piano organist--I've got him on the list! + And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, + They never would be missed--they never would be missed! + Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, + All centuries but this, and every country but his own; + And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, + And who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try; + And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- + I don't think she'd be missed--I'm _sure_ she'd not be missed! + + And that _Nisi Prius_ nuisance, who just now is rather rife, + The Judicial humorist--I've got _him_ on the list! + All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of them be missed. + And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, + Such as--What-d'ye-call-him--Thing'em-Bob, and likewise--Never-mind, + And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also--You-know-who-- + (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to _you_!) + But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, + For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE POLICEMAN'S LOT. + + + When a felon's not engaged in his employment + Or maturing his felonious little plans. + His capacity for innocent enjoyment, + Is just as great as any honest man's + Our feelings we with difficulty smother + When constabulary duty's to be done: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + A policeman's lot is not a happy one! + + When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, + When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, + He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, + And listen to the merry village chime. + When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, + He loves to lie a-basking in the sun: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + The policeman's lot is not a happy one! + +[Illustration] + + + + +AN APPEAL. + + + Oh, is there not one maiden breast + Which does not feel the moral beauty + Of making worldly interest + Subordinate to sense of duly? + Who would not give up willingly + All matrimonial ambition, + To rescue such a one as I + From his unfortunate position? + + Oh, is there not one maiden here, + Whose homely face and bad complexion + Have caused all hopes to disappear + Of ever winning man's affection? + To such a one, if such there be, + I swear by Heaven's arch above you, + If you will cast your eyes on me,-- + However plain you be--I'll love you! + + + + + +EHEU FUGACES--! + + + The air is charged with amatory numbers-- + Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. + Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers + The aching memory of the old, old days? + + Time was when Love and I were well acquainted. + Time was when we walked ever hand in hand; + A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted, + None better-loved than I in all the land! + Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, + Forsaking even military men, + Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration-- + Ah, me, I was a fair young curate then! + + Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled; + Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear; + Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled; + And when I coughed all thought the end was near! + I, had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me-- + For I was loved beyond all other men. + Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me! + Ah, me! I was a pale young curate then! + + + + + +A RECIPE. + + + Take a pair of sparkling eyes, + Hidden, ever and anon, + In a merciful eclipse-- + Do not heed their mild surprise-- + Having passed the Rubicon. + Take a pair of rosy lips; + Take a figure trimly planned-- + Such as admiration whets + (Be particular in this); + Take a tender little hand, + Fringed with dainty fingerettes, + Press it--in parenthesis;-- + Take all these, you lucky man-- + Take and keep them, if you can. + + Take a pretty little cot-- + Quite a miniature affair-- + Hung about with trellised vine, + Furnish it upon the spot + With the treasures rich and rare + I've endeavored to define. + Live to love and love to live + You will ripen at your ease, + Growing on the sunny side-- + Fate has nothing more to give. + You're a dainty man to please + If you are not satisfied. + Take my counsel, happy man: + Act upon it, if you can! + + + + + +THE FIRST LORD'S SONG. + + + When I was a lad I served a term + As office boy to an Attorney's firm. + I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, + And I polished up the handle of the big front door. + I polished up that handle so successfullee + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + As office boy I made such a mark + That they gave me the post of a junior clerk. + I served the writs with a smile so bland, + And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. + I copied all the letters in a hand so free, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + In serving writs I made such a name + That an articled clerk I soon became; + I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit + For the Pass Examination at the Institute. + And that Pass Examination did so well for me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip + That they took me into the partnership. + And that junior partnership, I ween, + Was the only ship that I ever had seen, + But that kind of ship so suited me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + I grew so rich that I was sent + By a pocket borough into Parliament. + I always voted at my party's call, + And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. + I thought so little, they rewarded me, + By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be, + If you want to rise to the top of the tree, + If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, + Be careful to be guided by this golden rule-- + Stick close to your desks and _never go to sea_, + And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee! + + + + + +WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES. + + + When a merry maiden marries, + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right and nothing's wrong! + From to-day and ever after + Let your tears be tears of laughter-- + Every sigh that finds a vent + Be a sigh of sweet content! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with love is laden; + Every flower is a rose, + Every goose becomes a swan, + Every kind of trouble goes + Where the last year's snows have gone! + Sunlight takes the place of shade + When you marry merry maid! + + When a merry maiden marries + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right, and nothing's wrong. + Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow, + Get ye gone until to-morrow; + Jealousies in grim array, + Ye are things of yesterday! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with joy is laden; + All the corners of the earth + Ring with music sweetly played, + Worry is melodious mirth. + Grief is joy in masquerade; + Sullen night is laughing day-- + All the year is merry May! + + + + + +THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE. + + + On a tree by the river a little tomtit + Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit + Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow?' + Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, + "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" + With a shake of his poor little head he replied, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, + Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, + Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! + He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, + Then he threw himself into the billowy wave, + And an echo arose from the suicide's grave-- + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name + Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, + That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And if you remain callous and obdurate, I + Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, + Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + + + + +HE AND SHE. + + + HE. + I know a youth who loves a little maid-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid-- + (Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + I know a maid who loves a gallant youth, + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + HE. + He cannot eat and he cannot sleep-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Daily he goes for to wail--for to weep-- + (Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + She's very thin and she's very pale-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + Daily she goes for to weep--for to wail-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should offer her my name-- + (Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame-- + (Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way-- + (For I really do believe that timid youth will die'!) + + BOTH. + I thank you much for your counsel true; + I've learnt what that poor soul ought to do! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG. + + + The law is the true embodiment + Of everything that's excellent. + It has no kind of fault or flaw, + And I, my lords, embody the Law. + The constitutional guardian I + Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, + All very agreeable girls--and none + Are over the age of twenty-one. + A pleasant occupation for + A rather susceptible Chancellor! + + But though the compliment implied + Inflates me with legitimate pride, + It nevertheless can't be denied + That it has its inconvenient side. + For I'm not so old, and not so plain, + And I'm quite prepared to marry again, + But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords + If I fell in love with one of my Wards: + Which rather tries my temper, for + I'm _such_ a susceptible Chancellor! + + And everyone who'd marry a Ward + Must come to me for my accord: + So in my court I sit all day, + Giving agreeable girls away, + With one for him--and one for he-- + And one for you--and one for ye-- + And one for thou--and one for thee-- + But never, oh never a one for me! + Which is exasperating, for + A highly susceptible Chancellor! + + + + + +WILLOW WALY! + + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden--prithee, tell me true + (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you? + Hey, willow waly O! + I fain would discover + If you have a lover? + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free-- + (Hey but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Nobody I care for comes a-courting me-- + Hey, willow waly O! + Nobody I care for + Comes a-courting--therefore, + Hey, willow waly O! + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me? + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee + Hey, willow waly O! + Money, I despise it, + But many people prize it, + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, although to marry I design-- + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. + Hey, willow waly O! + To other maidens go you-- + As yet I do not know you, + Hey, willow waly O! + + + + + +THE USHER'S CHARGE. + + + Now, Jurymen, hear my advice-- + All kinds of vulgar prejudice + I pray you set aside: + With stern judicial frame of mind, + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case: + Observe the features of her face-- + The broken-hearted bride! + Condole with her distress of mind: + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + And when amid the plaintiff's shrieks, + The ruffianly defendant speaks-- + Upon the other side; + What _he_ may say you needn't mind-- + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + + + + +KING GOODHEART. + + + There lived a King, as I've been told, + In the wonder-working days of old, + When hearts were twice as good as gold, + And twenty times as mellow. + Good temper triumphed in his face, + And in his heart he found a place + For all the erring human race + And every wretched fellow. + When he had Rhenish wine to drink + It made him very sad to think + That some, at junket or at jink, + Must be content with toddy. + He wished all men as rich as he + (And he was rich as rich could be), + So to the top of every tree + Promoted everybody. + + Ambassadors cropped up like hay, + Prime Ministers and such as they + Grew like asparagus in May, + And Dukes were three a penny. + Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats. + And Bishops in their shovel hats + Were plentiful as tabby cats-- + If possible, too many. + On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, + Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed + With Admirals the ocean teemed + All round his wide dominions; + And Party Leaders you might meet + In twos and threes in every street + Maintaining, with no little heat, + Their various opinions. + + That King, although no one denies + His heart was of abnormal size, + Yet he'd have acted otherwise + If he had been acuter. + The end is easily foretold, + When every blessed thing you hold + Is made of silver, or of gold, + You long for simple pewter. + When you have nothing else to wear + But cloth of gold and satins rare, + For cloth of gold you cease to care-- + Up goes the price of shoddy. + In short, whoever you may be, + To this conclusion you'll agree, + When every one is somebodee, + Then no one's anybody! + + + + + +THE TANGLED SKEIN. + + + Try we life long, we can never + Straighten out life's tangled skein, + Why should we, in vain endeavor, + Guess and guess and guess again? + Life's a pudding full of plums; + Care's a canker that benumbs. + Wherefore waste our elocution + On impossible solution? + Life's a pleasant institution, + Let us take it as it comes! + + Set aside the dull enigma, + We shall guess it all too soon; + Failure brings no kind of stigma-- + Dance we to another tune! + String the lyre and fill the cup, + Lest on sorrow we should sup. + Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, + Hands across and down the middle-- + Life's perhaps the only riddle + That we shrink from giving up! + + + + + +GIRL GRADUATES. + + + They intend to send a wire + To the moon; + And they'll set the Thames on fire + Very soon; + Then they learn to make silk purses + With their rigs + From the ears of Lady Circe's + Piggy-wigs. + And weazels at their slumbers + They'll trepan; + To get sunbeams from cu_cum_bers + They've a plan. + They've a firmly rooted notion + They can cross the Polar Ocean, + And they'll find Perpetual Motion + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + As for fashion, they forswear it, + So they say, + And the circle--they will square it + Some fine day; + Then the little pigs they're teaching + For to fly; + And the niggers they'll be bleaching + Bye and bye! + Each newly joined aspirant + To the clan + Must repudiate the tyrant + Known as Man; + They mock at him and flout him, + For they do not care about him, + And they're "going to do without him" + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + + + + +THE APE AND THE LADY. + + + A lady fair, of lineage high, + Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by-- + The Maid was radiant as the sun, + The Ape was a most unsightly one-- + So it would not do-- + His scheme fell through; + For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, + Expressed such terror + At his monstrous error, + That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, + The picture of a disconcerted Ape. + + With a view to rise in the social scale, + He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, + He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, + And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. + But it would not do, + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen + With golden tresses, + Like a real princess's, + While the Ape, despite his razor keen, + Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! + + He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, + He crammed his feet into bright tight boots, + And to start his life on a brand-new plan, + He christened himself Darwinian Man! + But it would not do. + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, + Was a radiant Being, + With a brain far-seeing-- + While a Man, however well-behaved, + At best is only a monkey shaved! + + + + + +SANS SOUCI + + + I cannot tell what this love may be + That cometh to all but not to me. + It cannot be kind as they'd imply, + Or why do these gentle ladies sigh? + It cannot be joy and rapture deep, + Or why do these gentle ladies weep? + It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said, + Or why are their eyes so wondrous red? + + If love is a thorn, they show no wit + Who foolishly hug and foster it. + If love is a weed, how simple they + Who gather and gather it, day by day! + If love is a nettle that makes you smart, + Why do you wear it next your heart? + And if it be neither of these, say I, + Why do you sit and sob and sigh? + + + + + +THE BRITISH TAR. + + + A British tar is a soaring soul, + As free as a mountain bird, + His energetic fist should be ready to resist + A dictatorial word + His nose should pant and his lips should curl, + His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, + His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, + And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow. + + His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, + His brow with scorn be rung; + He never should bow down to a domineering frown, + Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. + His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, + His hair should twirl and his face should scowl: + His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, + And this should be his customary attitude! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE COMING BYE AND BYE. + + + Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, + Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; + As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, + Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" + Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings, + To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well saved "combings"-- + Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey, + To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! + + Silvered is the raven hair, + Spreading is the parting straight, + Mottled the complexion fair, + Halting is the youthful gait. + Hollow is the laughter free, + Spectacled the limpid eye, + Little will be left of me, + In the coming bye and bye! + + Fading is the taper waist-- + Shapeless grows the shapely limb, + And although securely laced, + Spreading is the figure trim! + Stouter than I used to be, + Still more corpulent grow I-- + There will be too much of me + In the coming bye and bye! + + + + + +THE SORCERER'S SONG. + + + Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells-- + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses, + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"-- + If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax-- + You've but to look in + On our resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe. + + We've a first class assortment of magic; + And for raising a posthumous shade + With effects that are comic or tragic, + There's no cheaper house in the trade. + Love-philtre--we've quantities of it; + And for knowledge if any one burns, + We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet + Who brings us unbounded returns: + For he can prophesy + With a wink _of_ his eye, + Peep with security + Into futurity, + Sum up your history, + Clear up a mystery, + Humor proclivity + For a nativity. + With mirrors so magical, + Tetrapods tragical, + Bogies spectacular, + Answers oracular, + Facts astronomical, + Solemn or comical, + And, if you want it, he + Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! + Oh! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + He can raise you hosts + Of ghosts, + And that without reflectors; + And creepy things + With wings, + And gaunt and grisly spectres! + He can fill you crowds + Of shrouds, + And horrify you vastly; + He can rack your brains + With chains, + And gibberings grim and ghastly. + Then, if you plan it, he + Changes organity, + With an urbanity, + Full of Satanity, + Vexes humanity + With an inanity + Fatal to vanity-- + Driving your foes to the verge of insanity! + Barring tautology, + In demonology, + 'Lectro biology, + Mystic nosology, + Spirit philology, + High class astrology, + Such is his knowledge, he + Isn't the man to require an apology! + Oh! + My name is John Wellington Wells, + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + + + + +SPECULATION. + + + Comes a train of little ladies + From scholastic trammels free, + Each a little bit afraid is, + Wondering what the world can be! + + Is it but a world of trouble-- + Sadness set to song? + Is its beauty but a bubble + Bound to break ere long? + + Are its palaces and pleasures + Fantasies that fade? + And the glories of its treasures + Shadow of a shade? + + Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, + From scholastic trammels free, + And we wonder--how we wonder!-- + What on earth the world can be! + + + + + +THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. + + + In enterprise of martial kind, + When there was any fighting, + He led his regiment from behind, + He found it less exciting. + But when away his regiment ran, + His place was at the fore, O-- + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha! + You always found that knight, ha, ha! + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When, to evade Destruction's hand, + To hide they all proceeded, + No soldier in that gallant band + Hid half as well as he did. + He lay concealed throughout the war, + And so preserved his gore, O! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In every doughty deed, ha ha! + He always took the lead, ha ha! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When told that they would all be shot + Unless they left the service, + The hero hesitated not, + So marvellous his nerve is. + He sent his resignation in, + The first of all his corps, O! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + To men of grosser clay, ha, ha! + He always showed the way, ha, ha! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + + + + +THE REWARD OF MERIT. + + + Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age: + His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage; + His poems held a noble rank, although it's very true + That, being very proper, they were read by very few. + He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line," + And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his shrine; + But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high-- + The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy-- + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone, + A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own; + For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool, + And my highly gifted friend was no exception to the rule. + His poems--people read them in the Quarterly Reviews-- + His pictures--they engraved them in the _Illustrated News_-- + His inventions--they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees, + But all his little income went in Patent Office fees; + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + At last the point was given up in absolute despair, + When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire, + With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse, + And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House! + _Then_ it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards + Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords! + And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can, + As this very great--this very good--this very gifted man? + (Though I'm more than half afraid + That it sometimes may be said + That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride, + However great his merits--if his cousin hadn't died!) + + + + + +WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON. + + + When I first put this uniform on, + I said as I looked in the glass. + "It's one to a million + That any civilian + My figure and form will surpass. + Gold lace has a charm for the fair, + And I've plenty of that, and to spare, + While a lover's professions, + When uttered in Hessians, + Are eloquent everywhere! + A fact that I counted upon, + When I first put this uniform on!" + + I said, when I first put it on, + "It is plain to the veriest dunce + That every beauty + Will feel it her duty + To yield to its glamor at once. + They will see that I'm freely gold-laced + In a uniform handsome and chaste-- + But the peripatetics + Of long-haired aesthetics, + Are very much more to their taste-- + Which I never counted upon + When I first put this uniform on!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I. + + + When I went to the Bar as a very young man, + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll work on a new and original plan + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief + Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, + Because his attorney has sent me a brief + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force + In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, + Have perjured themselves as a matter of course + (Said I to myself--said I). + + Ere I go into court I will read my brief through + (Said I to myself--said I), + And I'll never take work I'm unable to do + (Said I to myself--said I). + My learned profession I'll never disgrace + By taking a fee with a grin on my face, + When I haven't been there to attend to the case + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + In other professions in which men engage + (Said I to myself--said I), + The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage + (Said I to myself--said I), + Professional license, if carried too far, + Your chance of promotion will certainly mar + And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + + + + +THE FAMILY FOOL. + + + Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, + If you listen to popular rumor; + From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, + And he bubbles with wit and good-humor! + He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse; + Yet though people forgive his transgression, + There are one or two rules that all Family Fools + Must observe, if they love their profession. + There are one or two rules + Half a dozen, maybe, + That all family fools, + Of whatever degree, + Must observe, if they love their profession. + + If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need + To consider each person auricular: + What is all right for B would quite scandalize C + (For C is so very particular); + And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull + Is as empty of brains as a ladle; + While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, + That he's known your best joke from his cradle! + When your humor they flout, + You can't let yourself go; + And it _does_ put you out + When a person says, "Oh! + I have known that old joke from my cradle!" + + If your master is surly, from getting up early + (And tempers are short in the morning), + An inopportune joke is enough to provoke + Him to give you, at once, a month's warning + Then if you refrain, he is at you again, + For he likes to get value for money. + He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + It adds to the task + Of a merryman's place, + When your principal asks, + With a scowl on his face, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + + Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- + Oh, beware of his anger provoking! + Better not pull his hair--don't stick pins in his chair; + He don't understand practical joking. + If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, + You may get a bland smile from these sages; + But should it, by chance, be imported from France, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages! + It's a general rule, + Though your zeal it may quench, + If the Family Fool + Makes a joke that's _too_ French, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! + + Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, + And your senses with toothache you're losing, + Don't be mopy and flat--they don't fine you for that, + If you're properly quaint and amusing! + Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, + And took with her your trifle of money; + Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- + They don't blame you--as long as you're funny! + It's a comfort to feel + If your partner should flit, + Though _you_ suffer a deal, + _They_ don't mind it a bit-- + They don't blame you--so long as you're funny! + + + + + +THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL. + + + I've wisdom from the East and from the West, + That's subject to no academic rule: + You may find it in the jeering of a jest, + Or distil it from the folly of a fool. + I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind! + I can trick you into learning with a laugh; + Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find + A grain or two of truth among the chaff! + + I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, + The upstart I can wither with a whim; + He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, + But his laughter has an echo that is grim. + When they're offered to the world in merry guise, + Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will-- + For he who'd make his fellow creatures wise + Should always gild the philosophic pill! + + + + + +THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY. + + + When all night long a chap remains + On sentry-go, to chase monotony + He exercises of his brains, + That is, assuming that he's got any, + Though never nurtured in the lap + Of luxury, yet I admonish you, + I am an intellectual chap, + And think of things that would astonish you. + I often think it's comical + How Nature always does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + When in that house M.P.'s divide, + If they've a brain and cerebellum, too. + They're got to leave that brain outside. + And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. + But then the prospect of a lot + Of statesmen, all in close proximity. + A-thinking for themselves, is what + No man can face with equanimity. + Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal + That Nature wisely does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive, + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + + + + +SORRY HER LOT. + + + Sorry her lot who loves too well, + Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, + Had are the sighs that own the spell + Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + Sad is the hour when sets the Sun-- + Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters + When to the ark the wearied one + Flies from the empty waste of waters! + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + + + + +THE JUDGE'S SONG. + + + When I, good friends, was called to the Bar, + I'd an appetite fresh and hearty, + But I was, as many young barristers are, + An impecunious party. + I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- + A brief which I bought of a booby-- + A couple of shirts and a collar or two, + And a ring that looked like a ruby! + + In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, + Like a semi-despondent fury; + For I thought I should never hit on a chance + Of addressing a British Jury-- + But I soon got tired of third class journeys, + And dinners of bread and water; + So I fell in love with a rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + + The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, + And replied to my fond professions: + "You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, + At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. + You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, + "And a very nice girl you'll find her-- + She may very well pass for forty-three + In the dusk, with a light behind her!" + + The rich attorney was as good as his word: + The briefs came trooping gaily, + And every day my voice was heard + At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. + All thieves who could my fees afford + Relied on my orations, + And many a burglar I've restored + To his friends and his relations. + + At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- + An incubus then I thought her, + So I threw over that rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + The rich attorney my character high + Tried vainly to disparage-- + And now, if you please, I'm ready to try + This Breach of Promise of Marriage! + + + + + +TRUE DIFFIDENCE. + + + My boy, you may take it from me, + That of all the afflictions accurst + With which a man's saddled + And hampered and addled, + A diffident nature's the worst. + Though clever as clever can be-- + A Crichton of early romance-- + You must stir it and stump it, + And blow your own trumpet, + Or, trust me, you haven't a chance. + + Now take, for example, _my_ case: + I've a bright intellectual brain-- + In all London city + There's no one so witty-- + I've thought so again and again. + I've a highly intelligent face-- + My features cannot be denied-- + But, whatever I try, sir, + I fail in--and why, sir? + I'm modesty personified! + + As a poet, I'm tender and quaint-- + I've passion and fervor and grace-- + From Ovid and Horace + To Swinburne and Morris, + They all of them take a back place, + Then I sing and I play and I paint; + Though none are accomplished as I, + To say so were treason: + You ask me the reason? + I'm diffident, modest and shy! + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER. + + + I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, + And left him, gaily prattling + With a highly respectable Gondolier, + Who promised the Royal babe to rear, + And teach him the trade of a timoneer + With his own beloved bratling. + + Both of the babes were strong and stout, + And, considering all things, clever. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + Time sped, and when at the end of a year + I sought that infant cherished, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Was lying a corpse on his humble bier-- + I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-- + That Gondolier had perished. + + A taste for drink, combined with gout, + Had doubled him up for ever. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, + To his terrible taste for tippling, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Could never declare with a mind sincere + Which of the two was his offspring dear, + And which the Royal stripling! + + Which was which he could never make out, + Despite his best endeavour. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + The children followed his old career-- + (This statement can't be parried) + Of a highly respectable Gondolier: + Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- + But _which_ of the two is not quite clear-- + Is the Royal Prince you married! + + Search in and out and round about + And you'll discover never + A tale so free from every doubt-- + All probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + All possible doubt whatever! + + + + + +DON'T FORGET. + + + Now, Marco dear, + My wishes hear: + While you're away + It's understood + You will be good, + And not too gay. + To every trace + Of maiden grace + You will be blind, + And will not glance + By any chance + On womankind! + If you are wise, + You'll shut your eyes + 'Till we arrive, + And not address + A lady less + Than forty-five; + You'll please to frown + On every gown + That you may see; + And O, my pet, + You won't forget + You've married me! + + O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + You'll lay your head + Upon your bed + At set of sun. + You will not sing + Of anything + To any one: + You'll sit and mope + All day, I hope, + And shed a tear + Upon the life + Your little wife + Is passing here! + And if so be + You think of me, + Please tell the moon: + I'll read it all + In rays that fall + On the lagoon: + You'll be so kind + As tell the wind + How you may be, + And send me words + By little birds + To comfort me! + + And O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + + + + +THE DARNED MOUNSEER. + + + I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, + And, off Cape Finistere, + A merchantman we see, + A Frenchman, going free, + So we made for the bold Mounseer. + D'ye see? + We made for the bold Mounseer! + But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her ports, + And fires with a thirty-two! + It come uncommon near, + But we answered with a cheer, + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo! + + Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, + "That chap we need not fear,-- + We can take her, if we like, + She is sartin for to strike, + For she's only a darned Mounseer, + D'ye see? + She's only a darned Mounseer! + But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a gal-- + It's a lubberly thing for to do; + For we, with all our faults, + Why, we're sturdy British salts, + While she's but a Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + A miserable Parley-voo!" + + So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, + As we gives a compassionating cheer; + Froggee answers with a shout + As he sees us go about, + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, + D'ye see? + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! + And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek + (Which is what them, furriners do), + And they blessed their lucky stars? + We were hardy British tars + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! + + + + + +THE HUMANE MIKADO. + + + A more humane Mikado never + Did in Japan exist, + To nobody second, + I'm certainly reckoned + A true philanthropist, + It is my very humane endeavor + To make, to some extent, + Each evil liver + A running river + Of harmless merriment. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + All prosy dull society sinners, + Who chatter and bleat and bore, + Are sent to hear sermons + From mystical Germans + Who preach from ten to four, + The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies + All desire to shirk, + Shall, during off hours, + Exhibit his powers + To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. + The lady who dyes a chemical yellow, + Or stains her grey hair puce, + Or pinches her figger, + Is blacked like a nigger + With permanent walnut juice. + The idiot who, in railway carriages, + Scribbles on window panes, + We only suffer + To ride on a buffer + In Parliamentary trains. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + The advertising quack who wearier + With tales of countless cures. + His teeth, I've enacted, + Shall all be extracted + By terrified amateurs. + The music hall singer attends a series + Of masses and fugues and "ops" + By Bach, interwoven + With Sophr and Beethoven, + At classical Monday Pops. + The billiard sharp whom any one catches, + His doom's extremely hard-- + He's made to dwell + In a dungeon cell + On a spot that's always barred. + And there he plays extravagant matches + In fitless finger-stalls, + On a cloth untrue + With a twisted cue, + And elliptical billiard balls! + + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + + + + +THE HOUSE OF PEERS. + + + When Britain really ruled the waves-- + (In good Queen Bess's time) + The House of Peers made no pretence + To intellectual eminence, + Or scholarship sublime; + Yet Britain won her proudest bays + In good Queen Bess's glorious days! + + When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, + As every child can tell, + The House of Peers, throughout the war, + Did nothing in particular, + And did it very well; + Yet Britain set the world a-blaze + In good King George's glorious days! + + And while the House of Peers withholds + Its legislative hand. + And noble statesmen do not itch + To interfere with matters which + They do not understand, + As bright will shine Great Britain's rays, + As in King George's glorious days! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE AESTHETE. + + + If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line, + as a man of culture rare, + You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, + and plant them everywhere. + You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your + complicated state of mind, + The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter + of a transcendental kind. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for _me_, + Why, what a very singularly deep young man + this deep young man must be!" + + Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have + long since passed away, + And convince 'em if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was + Culture's palmiest day. + Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and + declare it's crude and mean, + And that art stopped short in the cultivated court + of the Empress Josephine, + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for _me_, + Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth + this kind of youth must be!" + + Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must + excite your languid spleen, + An attachment _a la_ Plato for a bashful young potato, + or a not-too-French French bean. + Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle + in the high aesthetic band, + If you walk down Picadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval hand. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your flowery way, + "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not + suit _me_, + Why, what a most particularly pure young man + this pure young man must be!" + + + + + +PROPER PRIDE. + + + The Sun, whose rays + Are all ablaze + With ever living glory, + Does not deny + His majesty-- + He scorns to tell a story! + He don't exclaim + "I blush for shame, + So kindly be indulgent," + But, fierce and bold, + In fiery gold, + He glories all effulgent! + + I mean to rule the earth. + As he the sky-- + We really know our worth, + The Sun and I! + + Observe his flame, + That placid dame, + The Moon's Celestial Highness; + There's not a trace + Upon her face + Of diffidence or shyness: + She borrows light + That, through the night, + Mankind may all acclaim her! + And, truth to tell, + She lights up well, + So I, for one, don't blame her! + + Ah, pray make no mistake, + We are not shy; + We're very wide awake, + The Moon and I! + + + + + +THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER. + + + Whene'er I poke + Sarcastic joke + Replete with malice spiteful, + The people vile + Politely smile + And vote me quite delightful! + Now, when a wight + Sits up all night + Ill-natured jokes devising, + And all his wiles + Are met with smiles, + It's hard, there's no disguising! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + When German bands + From music stands + Play Wagner imper_fect_ly-- + I bid them go-- + They don't say no, + But off they trot directly! + The organ boys + They stop their noise + With readiness surprising, + And grinning herds + Of hurdy-gurds + Retire apologizing! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + I've offered gold, + In sums untold, + To all who'd contradict me-- + I've said I'd pay + A pound a day + To any one who kicked me-- + I've bribed with toys + Great vulgar boys + To utter something spiteful, + But, bless you, no! + They _will_ be so + Confoundedly politeful! + In short, these aggravating lads + They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, + They give me this and they give me that, + And I've nothing whatever to grumble at! + + + + + +THE WORKING MONARCH. + + + Rising early in the morning, + We proceed to light our fire; + Then our Majesty adorning + In its work-a-day attire, + We embark without delay + On the duties of the day. + + First, we polish off some batches + Of political dispatches, + And foreign politicians circumvent; + Then, if business isn't heavy, + We may hold a Royal levee, + Or ratify some acts of Parliament; + Then we probably review the household troops-- + With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!" + Or receive with ceremonial and state + An interesting Eastern Potentate, + After that we generally + Go and dress our private valet-- + (It's rather a nervous duty--he's a touchy little man) + Write some letters literary + For our private secretary-- + He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can. + Then, in view of cravings inner, + We go down and order dinner; + Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate-- + Spend an hour in titivating + All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting; + Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King; + Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great; + But the privilege and pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State! + + After luncheon (making merry + On a bun and glass of sherry), + If we've nothing particular to do, + We may make a Proclamation, + Or receive a Deputation-- + Then we possibly create a Peer or two. + Then we help a fellow creature on his path + With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath: + Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State + To a festival, a function, or a _fete_. + Then we go and stand as sentry + At the Palace (private entry), + Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro, + While the warrior on duty + Goes in search of beer and beauty + (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). + He relieves us, if he's able, + Just in time to lay the table, + Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one, + With a pleasure that's emphatic, + We retire to our attic + With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King, + But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none; + And the culminating pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done! + + + + + +THE ROVER'S APOLOGY. + + + Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray; + Though I own that my heart has been ranging, + Of nature the laws I obey, + For nature is constantly changing. + The moon in her phases is found, + The time and the wind and the weather, + The months in succession come round, + And you don't find two Mondays together. + Consider the moral, I pray, + Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, + Who loves this young lady to-day, + And loves that young lady to-morrow. + + You cannot eat breakfast all day, + Nor is it the act of a sinner, + When breakfast is taken away + To turn your attention to dinner; + And it's not in the range of belief, + That you could hold him as a glutton, + Who, when he is tired of beef, + Determines to tackle the mutton. + But this I am ready to say, + If it will diminish their sorrow, + I'll marry this lady to-day, + And I'll marry that lady to-morrow! + + + + + +WOULD YOU KNOW? + + + Would you know the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a? + Eyes must be downcast and staid, + Cheeks must flush for shame-a! + She may neither dance nor sing, + But, demure in everything, + Hang her head in modest way, + With pouting lips that seem to say + "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a." + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + When a maid is bold and gay, + With a tongue goes clang-a, + Flaunting it in brave array, + Maiden may go hang-a! + Sunflower gay and hollyhock + Never shall my garden stock; + Mine the blushing rose of May, + With pouting lips that seem to say, + "Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die for shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN. + + + A magnet hung in a hardware shop, + And all around was a loving crop + Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, + Offering love for all their lives; + But for iron the magnet felt no whim, + Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, + From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, + For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn! + His most aesthetic, + Very magnetic + Fancy took this turn-- + "If I can wheedle + A knife or needle, + Why not a Silver Churn?" + + And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, + The needles opened their well drilled eyes, + The pen-knives felt "shut up," no doubt, + The scissors declared themselves "cut out." + The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, + While every nail went off its head, + And hither and thither began to roam, + Till a hammer came up--and drove it home, + While this magnetic + Peripatetic + Lover he lived to learn, + By no endeavor, + Can Magnet ever + Attract a Silver Churn! + + + + + +BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR. + + + Braid the raven hair, + Weave the supple tress, + Deck the maiden fair + In her loveliness; + Paint the pretty face, + Dye the coral lip. + Emphasize the grace + Of her ladyship! + Art and nature, thus allied, + Go to make a pretty bride! + + Sit with downcast eye, + Let it brim with dew; + Try if you can cry, + We will do so, too. + When you're summoned, start + Like a frightened roe; + Flutter, little heart, + Color, come and go! + Modesty at marriage tide + Well becomes a pretty bride! + + + + + +IS LIFE A BOON? + + + Is life a boon? + If so? it must befal + That Death, whene'er he call, + Must call too soon. + Though fourscore years he give, + Yet one would pray to live + Another moon! + What kind of plaint have I, + Who perish in July? + I might have had to die, + Perchance, in June! + + Is life a thorn? + Then count it not a whit! + Man is well done with it; + Soon as he's born + He should all means essay + To put the plague away: + And I, war-worn, + Poor captured fugitive, + My life most gladly give-- + I might have had to live + Another morn! + + + + + +A MIRAGE. + + + Were I thy bride, + Then the whole world beside + Were not too wide + To hold my wealth of love-- + Were I thy bride! + Upon thy breast + My loving head would rest, + As on her nest + The tender turtle dove-- + Were I thy bride! + + This heart of mine + Would be one heart with thine, + And in that shrine + Our happiness would dwell-- + Were I thy bride! + And all day long + Our lives should be a song: + No grief, no wrong + Should make my heart rebel-- + Were I thy bride! + + The silvery flute, + The melancholy lute, + Were night owl's hoot + To my low-whispered coo-- + Were I thy bride! + The skylark's trill + Were but discordance shrill + To the soft thrill + Of wooing as I'd woo-- + Were I thy bride! + + The rose's sigh + Were as a carrion's cry + To lullaby + Such as I'd sing to thee, + Were I thy bride! + A feather's press + Were leaden heaviness + To my caress. + But then, unhappily, + I'm not thy bride! + + + + + +A MERRY MADRIGAL. + + + Brightly dawns our wedding day; + Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! + Whither, whither art thou fleeting? + Fickle moment, prithee stay! + What though mortal joys be hollow? + Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: + Though the tocsin sound, ere long, + Ding dong! Ding dong! + Yet until the shadows fall + Over one and over all, + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + Let us dry the ready tear; + Though the hours are surely creeping, + Little need for woeful weeping, + Till the sad sundown is near. + All must sip the cup of sorrow-- + I to-day and thou to-morrow: + This the close of every song-- + Ding dong! Ding dong! + What, though solemn shadows fall, + Sooner, later, over all? + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + + + + +THE LOVE-SICK BOY. + + + When first my old, old love I knew, + My bosom welled with joy; + My riches at her feet I threw; + I was a love-sick boy! + No terms seemed too extravagant + Upon her to employ-- + I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, + Just like a love-sick boy! + + But joy incessant palls the sense; + And love, unchanged will cloy, + And she became a bore intense + Unto her love-sick boy! + With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, + And I grew cold and coy, + At last, one morning, I became + Another's love-sick boy! + + * * * * * + +HENRY ALTEMUS' PUBLICATIONS. + +PHILADELPHIA. PA. + + +STEPHEN. A SOLDIER OF THE CROSS, by Florence Morse Kingsley, author +of "Titus, a Comrade of the Cross." "Since Ben-Hur no story has so +vividly portrayed the times of Christ."--_The Bookseller._ Cloth, +12mo., 369 pages. $1.25. + +PAUL. 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Cloth, 16mo., $1.25. + +A LOVER IN HOMESPUN, by F. Clifford Smith. Interesting tales of +adventure and home life in Canada. Cloth, 12mo., 75 cents. + +ANNIE BESANT: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. Cloth, 12mo., 368 pages, +illustrated. $2.00. + +THE GRAMMAR OF PALMISTRY, by Katharine St. Hill. Cloth, 12mo., +illustrated, 75 cents. + +AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY MINUTES. Contains over 100 photographs of +the most famous places and edifices with descriptive text. Cloth, 50 +cents. + +WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW. A woman's book about women. By Mrs. E.B. +Duffy. Cloth, 320 pages, 75 cents. + +THE CARE OF CHILDREN, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. "An excellent book of +the most vital interest," Cloth, 12mo., $1.00. + +PREPARATION FOR MOTHERHOOD, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. Cloth, 12mo., +320 pages, $1.00. + +ALTEMUS' CONVERSATION DICTIONARIES. English-German, English-French. +"Combined dictionaries and phrase books." Pocket size, each $1.00. + +TAINE'S ENGLISH LITERATURE, translated from the French by Henry Van +Laun, illustrated with 20 fine photogravure portraits. Best English +library edition, four volumes, cloth, full gilt, octavo, per set, +$10.00. Half calf, per set, $12.50. Cheaper edition, with frontispiece +illustrations only, cloth, paper titles, per set $7.50. + +SHAKESPEARE'S COMPLETE WORKS, with a biographical sketch by Mary +Cowden Clark, embellished with 64 Boydell, and numerous other +illustrations, four volumes, over 2000 pages. Half Morocco, 12mo., +boxed, per set, $3.00. + + * * * * * + +DORE'S MASTERPIECES + +THE DORE BIBLE GALLERY. A complete panorama of Bible History, +containing 100 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore. + +MILTON'S PARADISE LOST, with 50 full-page engravings by Gustave +Dore. + +DANTE'S INFERNO, with 75 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore. + +DANTE'S PURGATORY AND PARADISE, with 60 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore. + +Cloth, ornamental, large quarto (9 x 12 inches), each $2.00. + + * * * * * + +TENNYSON'S IDYLLS OF THE KING, with 37 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 +inches), $4.50. + +THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, with +46 full page engravings by Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large +imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 inches), $3.00. + +BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, with 100 engravings by Frederick +Barnard and others. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10 inches), $1.00. + +DICKENS' CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND, with 75 fine engravings by +famous artists. Cloth, small quarto, boxed (9 x 10 inches), $1.00. + +BIBLE PICTURES AND STORIES, 100 full page engravings. Cloth, small +quarto (7 x 9 inches), $1.00. + +MY ODD LITTLE FOLK, some rhymes and verses about them, by Malcolm +Douglass. Numerous original engravings. Cloth, small quarto (7 x 9), +$1.00. + +PAUL AND VIRGINIA, by Bernardin St. Pierre, with 125 engravings by +Maurice Leloir. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10), $1.00. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE, with 120 original engravings +by Walter Paget. Cloth, octavo (7-1/2 x 9-3/4), $1.50. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY OF STANDARD AUTHORS. + +Cloth, Twelve Mo. Size, 5-1/2 x 7-3/4 Inches. Each $1.00. + + +TALES FROM SHAKESPEARE, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with 155 +illustrations by famous artists. + +PAUL AND VIRGINIA, by Bernardin de St. Pierre, with 125 engravings +by Maurice Leloir. + +ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, AND THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND +WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE, by Lewis Carroll. Complete in one volume with +92 engravings by John Tenniel. + +LUCILE, by Owen Meredith, with numerous illustrations by George Du +Maurier. + +BLACK BEAUTY, by Anna Sewell, with nearly 50 original engravings. + +SCARLET LETTER, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous original +full-page and text illustrations. + +THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous +original full-page and text illustrations. + +BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR INDEPENDENCE, by Prescott Holmes, with 7 +illustrations. + +BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR THE UNION, by Prescott Holmes, with 80 +illustrations. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' YOUNG PEOPLES' LIBRARY + +_PRICE FIFTY CENTS EACH._ + + +ROBINSON CRUSOE: (Chiefly in words of one syllable). His life and +strange, surprising adventures, with 70 beautiful illustrations by +Walter Paget. + +ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, with 49 illustrations by John +Tenniel. "The most delightful of children's stories. Elegant and +delicious nonsense."--_Saturday Review._ + +THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE, a companion to +"Alice in Wonderland," with 50 illustrations by John Tenniel. + +BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, with 50 full page and text +illustrations. + +A CHILD'S STORY OF THE BIBLE, with 72 full page illustrations. + +A CHILD'S LIFE OF CHRIST, with 49 illustrations. God has implanted +in the infant heart a desire to hear of Jesus, and children are early +attracted and sweetly riveted by the wonderful Story of the Master +from the Manger to the Throne. + +SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, with 50 illustrations. The father of the +family tells the tale of the vicissitudes through which he and his +wife and children pass, the wonderful discoveries made and dangers +encountered. The book is full of interest and instruction. + +CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA, with 70 +illustrations Every American boy and girl should be acquainted with +the story of the life of the great discoverer, with its struggles, +adventures, and trials. + +THE STORY OF EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY IN AFRICA, with 80 +illustrations. Records the experiences of adventures and discoveries +in developing the "Dark Continent," from the early days of Bruce and +Mungo Park down to Livingstone and Stanley, and the heroes of our own +times. No present can be more acceptable than such a volume as this, +where courage, intrepidity, resource, and devotion are so admirably +mingled. + +THE FABLES OF AESOP. Compiled from the best accepted sources. With 62 +illustrations. The fables of AEsop are among the very earliest +compositions of this kind, and probably have never been surpassed for +point and brevity. + +GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. Adapted for young readers. With 50 +illustrations. + +MOTHER GOOSE'S RHYMES, JINGLES AND FAIRY TALES, with 234 +illustrations. + +LIVES OF THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES, by Prescott Holmes. +With portraits of the Presidents and also of the unsuccessful +candidates for the office; as well as the ablest of the Cabinet +officers. It is just the book for intelligent boys, and it will help +to make them intelligent and patriotic citizens. + +THE STORY OF ADVENTURE IN THE FROZEN SEAS, with 70 illustrations. By +Prescott Holmes. We have here brought together the records of the +attempts to reach the North Pole. The book shows how much can be +accomplished by steady perseverance and indomitable pluck. + +ILLUSTRATED NATURAL HISTORY, by the Rev. J.G. Wood, with 80 +illustrations. This author has done more to popularize the study of +natural history than any other writer. The illustrations are striking +and life-like. + +A CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND, by Charles Dickens, with 50 +illustrations. Tired of listening to his children memorize the twaddle +of old fashioned English history the author covered the ground in his +own peculiar and happy style for his own children's use. When the work +was published its success was instantaneous. + +BLACK BEAUTY, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A HORSE, by Anna Sewell, with 50 +illustrations. A work sure to educate boys and girls to treat with +kindness all members of the animal kingdom. Recognized as the greatest +story of animal life extant. + +THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS, with 130 illustrations. Contains +the most favorably known of the stories. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' DEVOTIONAL SERIES. + +Standard Religious Literature Appropriately Bound in Handy Volume +Size. Each Volume contains Illuminated Title, Portrait of Author and +Appropriate Illustrations. + +_WHITE VELLUM, SILVER AND MONOTINT, BOXED, EACH FIFTY CENTS._ + + +1 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Will +perpetuate her name." + +2 MY KING AND HIS SERVICE, OR DAILY THOUGHTS FOR THE KING'S +CHILDREN, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Simple, tender, gentle, and +full of Christian love." + +3 MY POINT OF VIEW. Selections from the works of Professor Henry +Drummond. + +4 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas A'Kempis. "With the +exception of the Bible it is probably the book most read in Christian +literature." + +5 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. "Intelligent sympathy with +the Christian's need." + +6 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. +"A most notable book which has earned for the author a world-wide +reputation." + +7 ADDRESSES, by the Rev. Phillips Brooks. "Has exerted a marked +influence over the rising generation." + +8 ABIDE IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Fellowship with +the Son of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. It cannot fail to stimulate +and cheer.--_Spurgeon._ + +9 LIKE CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Conformity to the Son +of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. A sequel to "Abide in Christ." "May +be read with comfort an edification by all." + +10 WITH CHRIST IN THE SCHOOL OF PRAYER, by the Rev. Andrew Murray. +"The best work on prayer in the language." + +11 HOLY IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Calling of God's Children to be +holy as He is Holy. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. "This sacred theme is +treated Scripturally and robustly without spurious sentimentalism." + +12 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes, author of "Tom Brown's +School Days," etc. "Evidences of the sublimest courage and manliness +in the boyhood, ministry, and in the last acts of Christ's life." + +13 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Seven +Addresses on common vices and their results. + +14 THE PATHWAY OF SAFETY, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. Sound +words of advice and encouragement on the text "What must I do to be +saved?" + +15 THE CHRISTIAN LIFE, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. A +beautiful delineation of an ideal life from the conversion to the +final reward. + +16 THE THRONE OF GRACE. Before which the burdened soul may cast +itself on the bosom of infinite love and enjoy in prayer "a peace +which passeth all understanding." + +17 THE PATHWAY OF PROMISE, by the author of "The Throne of Grace." +Thoughts consolatory and encouraging to the Christian pilgrim as he +journeys onward to his heavenly home. + +18 THE IMPREGNABLE ROCK OF HOLY SCRIPTURE, by the Rt. Hon William +Ewart Gladstone, M.P. The most masterly defence of the truths of the +Bible extant. The author says: The Christian Faith and the Holy +Scriptures arm us with the means of neutralizing and repelling the +assaults of evil in and from ourselves. + +19 STEPS INTO THE BLESSED LIFE, by the Rev. F.B. Meyer, B.A. A +powerful help towards sanctification. + +20 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by the Rev. Richard W. Church, D.D. Eight +excellent sermons on the advent of the Babe of Bethlehem and his +influence and effect on the world. + +21 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +22 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +23 THE CHANGED CROSS; AND OTHER RELIGIOUS POEMS. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' ETERNAL LIFE SERIES. + +Selections from the writings of well-known religious authors, +beautifully printed and daintily bound with original designs in silver +and ink. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 ETERNAL LIFE, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +2 LORD, TEACH US TO PRAY, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +3 GOD'S WORD AND GOD'S WORK, by Martin Luther. + +4 FAITH, by Thomas Arnold. + +5 THE CREATION STORY, by Honorable William E. Gladstone. + +6 THE MESSAGE OF COMFORT, by Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden. + +7 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by Rev. R.W. Church. + +8 THE LORD'S PRAYER AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, by Dean Stanley. + +9 THE MEMOIRS OF JESUS, by Rev. Robert F. Horton. + +10 HYMNS OF PRAISE AND GLADNESS, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +11 DIFFICULTIES, by Hannah Whitall Smith. + +12 GAMBLERS AND GAMBLING, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +13 HAVE FAITH IN GOD, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +14 TWELVE CAUSES OF DISHONESTY, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +15 THE CHRIST IN WHOM CHRISTIANS BELIEVE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +16 IN MY NAME, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +17 SIX WARNINGS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +18 THE DUTY OF THE CHRISTIAN BUSINESSMAN, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +19 POPULAR AMUSEMENTS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +20 TRUE LIBERTY, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +21 INDUSTRY AND IDLENESS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +22 THE BEAUTY OF A LIFE OF SERVICE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +23 THE SECOND COMING OF OUR LORD, by Rev. A.T. Pierson, D.D. + +24 THOUGHT AND ACTION, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +25 THE HEAVENLY VISION, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +26 MORNING STRENGTH, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +27 FOR THE QUIET HOUR, by Edith V. Bradt. + +28 EVENING COMFORT, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +29 WORDS OF HELP FOR CHRISTIAN GIRLS, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +30 HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE, by Rev. Dwight L. Moody. + +31 EXPECTATION CORNER, by E.S. Elliot. + +32 JESSICA'S FIRST PRAYER, by Hesba Stratton. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS BELLES-LETTRES SERIES. + +A collection of Essays and Addresses by eminent English and American +Authors, beautifully printed and daintily bound, with original designs +in silver. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 INDEPENDENCE DAY, by Rev. Edward E. Hale. + +2 THE SCHOLAR IN POLITICS, by Hon. Richard Olney. + +3 THE YOUNG MAN IN BUSINESS, by Edward W. Bok. + +4 THE YOUNG MAN AND THE CHURCH, by Edward W. Bok. + +5 THE SPOILS SYSTEM, by Hon. Carl Schurz. + +6 CONVERSATION, by Thomas DeQuincey. + +7 SWEETNESS AND LIGHT, by Matthew Arnold. + +8 WORK, by John Ruskin. + +9 NATURE AND ART, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +10 THE USE AND MISUSE OF BOOKS, by Frederic Harrison. + +11 THE MONROE DOCTRINE: ITS ORIGIN, MEANING AND APPLICATION, by +Prof. John Bach McMaster (University of Pennsylvania). + +12 THE DESTINY OF MAN, by Sir John Lubbock. + +13 LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +14 RIP VAN WINKLE, by Washington Irving. + +15 ART, POETRY AND MUSIC, by Sir John Lubbock. + +16 THE CHOICE OF BOOKS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +17 MANNERS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +18 CHARACTER, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +19 THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW, by Washington Irving. + +20 THE BEAUTIES OF NATURE, by Sir John Lubbock. + +21 SELF RELIANCE, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +22 THE DUTY OF HAPPINESS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +23 SPIRITUAL LAWS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +24 OLD CHRISTMAS, by Washington Irving. + +25 HEALTH, WEALTH AND THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +26 INTELLECT, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +27 WHY AMERICANS DISLIKE ENGLAND, by Prof. Geo. B. Adams (Yale). + +28 THE HIGHER EDUCATION AS A TRAINING FOR BUSINESS, by Prof. Harry +Pratt Judson (University of Chicago). + +29 MISS TOOSEY'S MISSION. + +30 LADDIE. + +31 J. COLE, by Emma Gellibrand. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' NEW ILLUSTRATED VADEMECUM SERIES. + +Masterpieces of English and American literature, Handy Volume Size, +Large Type Editions. Each Volume Contains Illuminated Title Pages, and +Portrait of Author and Numerous Engravings + + Full Cloth, ivory finish, ornamental inlaid sides and back, boxed 40 + Full White Vellum, full silver and monotint, boxed 50 + + +1 CRANFORD, by Mrs. Gaskell. + +2 A WINDOW IN THRUMS, by J.M. Barrie. + +3 RAB AND HIS FRIENDS, MARJORIE FLEMING, ETC., by John Brown, M.D. + +4 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD, by Oliver Goldsmith. + +5 THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW, by Jerome K. Jerome. "A book +for an idle holiday." + +6 TALES FROM SHAKSPEARE, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with an +introduction by the Rev. Alfred Ainger, M.D. + +7 SESAME AND LILIES, by John Ruskin. Three Lectures--I. Of the +King's Treasures. II. Of Queen's Garden. III. Of the Mystery of Life. + +8 THE ETHICS OF THE DUST, by John Ruskin. Ten lectures to little +housewives on the elements of crystalization. + +9 THE PLEASURES OF LIFE, by Sir John Lubbock. Complete in one +volume. + +10 THE SCARLET LETTER, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +11 THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +12 MOSSES FROM AN OLD MANSE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +13 TWICE TOLD TALES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +14 THE ESSAYS OF FRANCIS (LORD) BACON WITH MEMOIRS AND NOTES. + +15 ESSAYS, First Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +16 ESSAYS, Second Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +17 REPRESENTATIVE MEN, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Mental portraits each +representing a class. 1. The Philosopher. 2. The Mystic. 3. The +Skeptic. 4. The Poet. 5. The Man of the World. 6. The Writer. + +18 THOUGHTS OF THE EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS, translated by +George Long. + +19 THE DISCOURSES OF EPICTETUS WITH THE ENCHIRIDION, translated by +George Long. + +20 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas A Kempis. Four books +complete in one volume. + +21 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. The Greatest Thing in the +World; Pax Vobiscum; The Changed Life; How to Learn How; Dealing With +Doubt; Preparation for Learning: What is a Christian; The Study of the +Bible; A Talk on Books. + +22 LETTERS, SENTENCES AND MAXIMS, by Lord Chesterfield. Masterpieces +of good taste, good writing and good sense. + +23 REVERIES OF A BACHELOR. A book of the heart. By Ik Marvel. + +24 DREAM LIFE, by Ik Marvel. A companion to "Reveries of a +Bachelor." + +25 SARTOR RESARTUS, by Thomas Carlyle. + +26 HEROES AND HERO WORSHIP, by Thomas Carlyle. + +27 UNCLE TOM'S CABIN, by Harriet Beecher Stowe. + +28 ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +29 MY POINT OF VIEW. Representative selections from the works of +Professor Henry Drummond by William Shepard. + +30 THE SKETCH BOOK, by Washington Irving. Complete. + +31 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +32 LUCILE, by Owen Meredith. + +33 LALLA ROOKH, by Thomas Moore. + +34 THE LADY OF THE LAKE, by Sir Walter Scott. + +35 MARMION, by Sir Walter Scott. + +36 THE PRINCESS; AND MAUD, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +37 CHILDE HAROLD'S PILGRIMAGE, by Lord Byron. + +38 IDYLLS OF THE KING, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +39 EVANGELINE, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. + +40 VOICES OF THE NIGHT AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +41 THE QUEEN OF THE AIR, by John Ruskin. A study of the Greek myths +of cloud and storm. + +42 THE BELFRY OF BRUGES AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +43 POEMS, Volume I, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +44 POEMS, Volume II, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +45 THE RAVEN; AND OTHER POEMS, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +46 THANATOPSIS; AND OTHER POEMS, by William Cullen Bryant. + +47 THE LAST LEAF; AND OTHER POEMS, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +48 THE HEROES OR GREEK FAIRY TALES, by Charles Kingsley. + +49 A WONDER BOOK, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +50 UNDINE, by de La Motte Fouque. + +51 ADDRESSES, by the Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +52 BALZAC'S SHORTER STORIES, by Honore de Balzac. + +53 TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MAST, by Richard H. Dana, Jr. + +54 BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. An Autobiography. + +55 THE LAST ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +56 TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS, by Thomas Hughes. + +57 WEIRD TALES, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +58 THE CROWN OF WILD OLIVE, by John Ruskin. Three lectures on Work, +Traffic and War. + +59 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +60 ABBE CONSTANTIN, by Ludovic Halevy. + +61 MANON LESCAUT, by Abbe Prevost. + +62 THE ROMANCE OF A POOR YOUNG MAN, by Octave Feuillet. + +63 BLACK BEAUTY, by Anna Sewell. + +64 CAMILLE, by Alexander Dumas, Jr. + +65 THE LIGHT OF ASIA, by Sir Edwin Arnold. + +66 THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME, by Thomas Babington Macaulay. + +67 THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER, by Thomas De Quincey. + +68 TREASURE ISLAND, by Robert L. Stevenson. + +69 CARMEN, by Prosper Merimee. + +70 A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY, by Laurence Sterne. + +71 THE BLITHEDALE ROMANCE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +72 BAB BALLADS, AND SAVOY SONGS, by W.H. Gilbert. + +73 FANCHON, THE CRICKET, by George Sand. + +74 POEMS, by James Russell Lowell. + +75 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +76 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +77 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes. + +78 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +79 THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +80 MULVANEY STORIES, by Rudyard Kipling. + +81 BALLADS, by Rudyard Kipling. + +82 MORNING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +83 TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM, by T.S. Arthur. + +84 EVENING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +85 IN MEMORIAM, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +86 COMING TO CHRIST, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +87 HOUSE OF THE WOLF, by Stanley Weyman. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN POLITICS (non-Partisan), by Hon. Thomas V. Cooper. A +history of all the Political Parties with their views and records on +all important questions. All political platforms from the beginning to +date. Great Speeches on Great issues. Parliamentary Practice and +tabulated history of chronological events. A library without this work +is deficient. 8vo., 750 pages. Cloth, $3.00. Full Sheep Library style, +$4.00. + +NAMES FOR CHILDREN, by Elisabeth Robinson Scovil, author of "The +Care of Children," "Preparation for Motherhood." In family life there +is no question of greater weight or importance than naming the baby. +The author gives much good advice and many suggestions on the subject. +Cloth, 12mo., $.40. + +TRIF AND TRIXY, by John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies." The +story is replete with vivid and spirited scenes; and is incomparably +the happiest and most delightful work Mr. Habberton has yet written. +Cloth, 12mo., $.35. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +******* This file should be named 15370.txt or 15370.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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