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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:25 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:25 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14808-0.txt b/14808-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a331102 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1377 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +August 8, 1891. + + + + +LARKS FOR LONDONERS. + +Sir,--Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for gratuitous concerts +and dances! But that's not half enough. Some of us don't care for +dancing, and abhor music. What I propose is that Free Billiard-tables +should be established in each parish. Billiards is much better +exercise than sitting still on a chair listening to singing. Then +there ought to be places where one could get municipal tobacco +without paying for it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life +as education--more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter evenings it +would also be nice to be able to step over to one's Town Hall and have +a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from the wood"--also from the +rates. I don't pay rates myself, as I happen to live in a flat, but +I am sure the ratepayers will immediately recognise the justice of my +demands. + + UNBIASSED. + +Sir,--By all means let us try to give more pleasure to the people. The +pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly elevating kind. I would +advocate throwing open the South Kensington Natural History Museum in +the evening. This would be most useful, especially to people living +at the East End, and the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not +rollicking, would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable +characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not produce +his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from the clergyman +of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I am sure that people +would jump at a chance of an evening among the _Coleoptera_. + + Yours, NATURALIST. + +Sir,--I cannot understand why people should ask for more amusement +than they get at present. Have not they the Parks to walk about in? In +wet weather they can take shelter under trees. In winter they ought +to stay at home in the evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their +families. I would even go so far as to allow an occasional game at +draughts. Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of +the question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously +inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I throw out +these observations for what they may be worth, and trusting that they +will not be regarded as dangerously subversive of morality, I remain, + + Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME! + +Sir,--The movement for turning our Town Halls into places of amusement +is an excellent one. What I would like to suggest is, that the +Vestrymen should themselves take part in the entertainments. Why not +have weekly theatrical performances, with parts found for all local +Authorities? I feel convinced that _Hamlet_, played by our Vestry, +would be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play +the _Ghost_, while minor characters could be sustained by the Medical +Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and others; the +Chairman, of course, would figure in the title _rôle_. A topical comic +song, by the Board of Guardians, with breakdown, might serve as a +pleasing interlude; breakdowns in local matters are, I believe, not +unknown already. The idea is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen +owe something to the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them. + + Yours, MERRY ANDREW. + + * * * * * + +BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.--A "Champion" pugilist is even more presumptuous +than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a Thousand Guineas a +'Box.'" + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE SEASON. + +_A PROPOSAL FIN DE SIÈCLE._ + +[Illustration] + + Farewell! since the Season is over, + Ah me, but its moments were sweet! + You are oft', _viâ_ Folkestone or Dover, + To some Continental retreat. + On Frenchman and German you'll lavish + The smiles that can madden me still; + While I, with the gillie McTavish, + Am breasting the heather-clad hill. + + Oh, do you remember the dances, + The dearest were those we sat out, + How I frowned when detecting your glances + On others, which caused you to pout? + You are changeful and coy and capricious, + A weathercock easily blown; + But when shall I hear the delicious + One word that proclaims you my own? + + They say that an eloquent passion + Has long become quite out of date, + That true love is never the fashion, + And marriage a wearisome state. + They conjure up many a bogie, + To guard a man's bachelor life, + And keep him a selfish old fogey, + And stop him from taking a wife. + + They vow that a wife needs a carriage, + And opera-boxes and stalls, + That money's the one thing in marriage, + And cheques are as common as calls. + They say women shy (like some horses) + At vows made to love and obey; + They tell you drear tales of divorces, + And scandals, the talk of the day. + + But hang all those cynical railings, + Just write me one exquisite line + To say you'll look over my failings, + And promise me you will be mine. + And though I'm aware it's the merest + Small matter of detail, to clear + The ground, I may mention, my dearest, + I've full thirty thousand a year. + + * * * * * + +BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.--Last Friday His Honour Judge BACON had to +decide a case which was headed in the papers "Cagliostromantheon." +What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, who was a fair defendant, won +the case; and His Honour--this appeal having been made to His Honour +by Mr. B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the +stage, but especially for one described as "an actor,"--decided that +His Honour was satisfied. Peace with His Honour! + + * * * * * + +NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME. + +(_BY "A CAMBRIDGE PARSON_.") + + ["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the policy + of 'Dishing.'"--_Sir W. Harcourt_.] + + Hey diddle diddle, + The voters we'd fiddle + With Free Education--that "boon." + But Wisbech birds laugh + At such plain party "chaff," + And the "Dish"--at the polls--proves a "Spoon." + + * * * * * + +FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER. + +Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a digest +of the news generally, for my power to digest is already becoming +seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches in _Macbeth_ (I +think it's the Witches, but haven't my _Shakspeare_ handy, I mean +my _Handy Shakspeare_, with me--wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my +Pilgrim's Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH. + + * * * * * + +IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN! + +_A LAY FOR THE LIFEBOAT SERVICE._ + + [An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal National + Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in dire + financial straits," the deficit for last year being £33,000. + Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully received + by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, St. John + Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.] + + True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more," + As DIBDIN's Monument informs us; + But memory of the man who bore + That honoured name still stirs and warms us. + And here's another of his name, + Who still the British Sailor's serving; + Then who could see without sore shame + JOHN BULL from _his_ plain duty swerving? + + Thirty-three Thousand to the bad, + Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory? + Nay, JOHN, that will _not_ do, my lad; + Next year must tell a different story. + Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say + To such a thing? In racy lingo, + Upon our backs his lash he'd lay, + And give the slothful Britons "stingo." + + Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved, + Our Life-boat rescuers, already. + The seas around our shores they've braved, + With valour prompt and patience steady. + Shall they be floored for _L.S.D._, + Because JOHN BULL his pockets buttons? + Then the old keepers of the Sea + Must be, in pluck, as dead as muttons. + + True, lads, on such a text as this + "We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;" + But were we mute, Neptune would hiss + His sons degenerate off the brine. + Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more! + He's dead, as _Scrooge_ declared old _Marley_. + What then? Wake up, from shore to shore, + And--send your guineas to _Young_ CHARLEY! + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOT!" + + [Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a stolid + but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and Wimbledon, after + the match at the latter place between picked twenties of the + London Scottish and the London Rifle Brigade, won easily by + the former team.] + + Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot, + And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot. + This particular "Saxon" the hump has got, + Being licked by a team which is Picked _and_ Scot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD +COMPANY. + + ["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to which + the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, "could I have + believed that Republican Sailors, that Republican Soldiers, + could have such a bearing."--_Times_. + + "The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, ordered a + temporary relaxation of the measures for the expulsion of the + Jews from Russia."--_Times_.] + +_Autocrat_ (_aside_). "HUMPH! CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY +I LIKE THEIR COSTUMES!"] + + "How happy could I be with either?" + Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say _that_! + Yet here we are, tripping together, + Republics and proud Autocrat! + Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!-- + So satire will say, I've no doubt. + And some will declare it must ruin + The Russdom once ruled by the knout. + I wonder--I very much wonder-- + What NICK to this sight would have said-- + I fear he'd have looked black as thunder, + And savage as RURIC the Red. + For this did we lose the Crimea? + For this did we larrup the Jews? + I really had not an idea + Republics could rule--and amuse. + Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish. + How well Miss COLUMBIA can coax! + The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish, + The Briton will grumble "a hoax." + Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor, + And give shouting Emperors a hint; + I back _La Belle France_. Her betrayer + My meaning must see, plain as print. + My reply to the great Guildhall grumble + Had less of politeness than pith, + But--well I've no wish so to humble + My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH, + Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye, + _Persona gratissima_, he; + And therefore I yield to the Yankee + The boon I refused to J.B. + But yet, all the same, it _is_ funny + To see Three like us in One Boat. + COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey, + Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat. + I never imagined Republics + Could have such a "bearing" as these. + Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks + The comb sweetly filled by the bees, + I list to their flattering-chatter; + Their voices are pleasant--in praise; + But--well, though it seems a small matter, + I _don't_ like that dashed "_Marseillaise_." + And "_Israel in Egypt_" sounds pointed + I'd Pharaoh the miscreants--but stay, + My soliloquy's getting disjointed, + I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay, + _La Belle France_ displays a _grande passion_; + My arms they unitedly press. + One thing though; the Phrygian fashion + Is not _my_ ideal of dress. + They swear that they both love me dearly, + Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!" + They are setting their Caps at me, clearly, + But,--well, _I don't quite like the Caps!_ + + * * * * * + +THE CAPLESS MAID. + + ["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a sort + of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after she + had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."--_Daily Paper_.] + + What shall we do with our Maid? + How shall we treat her best? + Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her hair? + And shall she in silks be drest? + Shall we make her a gift of gold? + Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps. + But whatever we make her, wherever we take her, + We never must make her wear caps. + + Imperious, capless, supreme, + Do just as you please evermore; + And wear what you will, for we shall be + And never complain as before. + We may put all our money in mines, + We may put all our cheese into traps, + But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear, + When we try to put you into caps. + + * * * * * + +THE DIFFERENCE. + + ["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of 1893 + Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in any + electoral contest than he can be in the spring or autumn of + 1892."--_Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next Parliament."_] + + "Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, too, + Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true. + GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's blithe + Because _his_ hopes are centred on Time's _scythe_. + Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous breath + Lives "in the sure and certain hope"--of Death! + + * * * * * + +RESIGNATION. + + "Fire! Fire!" + "Where? where?' + SHAW's resigned. + Then find + Another one! + Many gone? + Fire! Where? + Here's a scare!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS. + +(_Vide "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891._)] + + * * * * * + +UPON A GLOVE. + +(_AFTER THE FASHION--MORE OR LESS--OF HERRICK._) + + Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham, + And Legislative Flam! + Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool + (Both prompt to play the fool, + In free-lance fashion or official form) + Prattled of, 'midst a storm + Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers, + And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"-- + Thou summest well the humbug of our lives. + The fistic "bunch of fives" + Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk" + Shrouded in kid or silk, + But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell," + And SMITH and PRITCHARD--well, + One would not like a clump upon the head + From the teak-noddled "TED," + Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;" + But somehow "bhoys" like them, + Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house," + And only nap "a mouse," + Though one before the end of the third bout + Is clean "knocked out,"-- + Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire, + Who in ten minutes tire, + And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back + To shun the impending thwack,-- + Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf + As venal JULIA's self. + GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt, + And "What _is_ a knock-out?" + _May_ mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much; + But Truth's Ithuriel touch + Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED," + (Of "slightly swollen" head) + As well as unsophisticated COBB, + (If Truth were "on the job,") + Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge," + And Law-evading dodge, + Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery, + Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery, + All the material the Satirist loves, + In those same "four-ounce gloves"! + + * * * * * + +OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY + +AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + +Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain Crosstree, +R.N. + +Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be presented +by Mr. Frederick Locker. + +A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815. + +Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his affianced +bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her lily-white hands +in the nasty pitch and tar." + +Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin Bolt whether +or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet Alice with hair so +brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) gave her a smile, and +trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) frown?" The portrait also of the +aforesaid Alice, evidently rather a weak-minded young person. + +Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of "Black +Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence coloured." + + * * * * * + +WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH. + +In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting reports about +Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express 12·30 from Waterloo, +and go straight away to my terminus, stopping, if I remember rightly, +only twice on the road. First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with +the London and South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the +exception of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton +Water--scent generally lost where water is, I believe--and another +of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran into our quarry at Bournemouth +Station West, in just two hours and a half. [_Happy Thought_.--Lunch +_en route_, between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, +not all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts at +hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, &c., &c.] + +[Illustration: "WELCOME THE COMING--" + +"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only charmed to have +your company."--_Extract from Speech of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to +Un-illustrious Visitor_.] + +Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or Nice, +or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, Monte Carlo, +and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are painted, for +Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week in July) at a +delightfully mean temperature,--if I may be allowed to use the word +"mean" without implying any sort of disrespect for the Bournemouthers. + +Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any previous +occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as at this present +moment. Odd! + +"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association here. All +sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings too." + +If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a night in a +bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called early; then sea-bath; +also man to bring hot water and towels. While speculating on this +probability, we arrive at + +_Royal Bath Hotel_.--Flag flying, showing that British Medical +Association Family are at home. Other flags elsewhere express same +idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of course. Array of servants in +brown liveries and gilt buttons in outer hall, preparing to receive +visitors. Pleasant and courteous Manager--evidently Manager--with +foreign accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" +I ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous +Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive +pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly ladies, +chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, and awaiting +my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be shown up." (_Absit +omen!_) However, I am shown up. Charming room: sea-view, nearly all +the views from the windows of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath +which way you will; and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The +Warm Bath Hotel. + +I am looking for something which has probably been left in the hall. +"Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look round; "where's my +waterproof with two capes? I've missed--er--" I hesitate, being still +uncertain. + +A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He pauses in +his swift career, as if catching my last words. I hear him repeat, +"Missed--er--" and then "Capes." To this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, +I'll tell him," and vanishes. + +"_Tell him?_" Oh, probably he means that he will tell the other +Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double capes. But to make +assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of the stairs and call out, +"Wrapper--with two capes--probably in the hall--don't see it here." +To which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the +Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something inaudible, +finishing with, "up there." + +I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy and +refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have left the +door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof wrapper, I am +turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the old stage-directions +have it, a distinguished-looking gentleman, bearded and moustached, +white-vested, and generally "in full fig."--(_Mem._--Write to _Notes +and Queries, Unde derivatur_--"Full fig?") who advances briskly but +quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made some mistake in the +number of his room. At least, I hope the mistake isn't on _my_ part, +or on the urbane Manager's part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor +bows. I am about to explain that he is in error, and that this is my +room, when he deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; +my name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am sure, +Sir, I am more than delighted to see _you_!" and he proffers his hand, +which I take and shake heartily, at the same time wondering where on +earth we have met before, and why he should be so effusively joyful +at seeing me again. Suddenly, as I release his hand, I see where the +mistake is, and how it has arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls +to my mind that in an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs +to Mr. CAPES,--Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This amiable +gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the Proprietor himself. I +also am delighted. "Very kind of him to take this trouble," I say. + +"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special kindness on his +part. And as to trouble!--well, he scouts that idea with an energetic +wave of his hand. Now, he wants to know, what will I do, where will I +go, what will I take? Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting +in the Town Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests +the considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before +dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have tickets +for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a cigar in the +smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get to bed." + +I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, shall meet +some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him immensely. As a +matter of fact, however, I confide to him that I should prefer keeping +myself quiet this evening, as I have so much to do to-morrow morning. + +"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most sympathetically. +"And you'd like to rest as much as possible to-night after your +journey. You'd like a table to yourself a little later. No--no--no +thanks, I'm only too delighted." + +And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the +hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the Boots, +who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had sent him for, +to point me out to him, and to tell him to order a private table +for me in the _salle à manger_ "at--at?"--he queries--and I reply by +inquiring if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then. +"Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the slightest +difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, "7·45," +whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus 'tis arranged. + +Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. Beautiful air, +not the least enervating. On the contrary, refreshing. Returning +later on to dress, I see the _salle à manger_ full to overflowing. +The Medicals are all feeding well and wisely, as Medicals ought to +do. A pleasant company. Only a few of the younger and idler spirits +remain when I sit down to my dinner about eight. Excellent _cuisine_. +Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole pickles, +beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth beans. For wine, +Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish with Corfe Castle +Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in the sea-garden, or garden +o'erlooking the sea. + +Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as _Lady Macbeth_ +observes. Sensible person, _Lady Mac_. + +On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am alone at +first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical Association has +returned in force. I catch occasional bits in conversation:-- + +"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. Great +pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about MCSIMMUM, all +evidently more or less good, and all interesting. I myself begin to +wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have been an acquisition.) +More medical men of various ages and with variety of spectacles. +All enjoying themselves thoroughly,--quite medical boys out for +a holiday,--but every one of them, individually and collectively, +intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. I hear the voice of +my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will ask Mr. CAPES about this +celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom evidently I ought to know, at least by +repute. Perhaps I have known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a +man with whom I often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the +smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I have +heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't remember. + +Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to everybody. +Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is saying. It is, "My +dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM _is_ here. I've seen him. He dined alone. He +said he preferred it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several +exclaim, "But _where_ is he _now_?" + +"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being tired, +he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. 142, on his +arrival." + +Heavens! The number of my room--is 142! Not another man in _there_! +No.... I see it all now, _I am Dr. MCSIMMUM!_ The real MCSIMMUM hasn't +arrived, and he hasn't sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, +and the absence of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he +arrives now! where shall _I_ be? + +"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming right into +the midst of them. + +To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES says so, but +no one's seen him." + +"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's staying +with some friends a little way out of the town. He has just sent me a +note by hand to say that he won't occupy his room till to-morrow, and +will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will forward by bearer a bag that +was labelled and addressed to the room taken for him here, No. 142." + +[Illustration: "---- Speed the Parting Guest."] + +"But--" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, "but--" + +At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery voice. Saved! +I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN HARTLEY, M.D., who, years +ago, told me there was nothing the matter with me, only I must take a +holiday and go abroad to get better (most excellent advice, and I've +never been quite well since), and who now exclaims, with all his old +breadth of manner, "What _you_ here! Bravo! We'll make you an honorary +member!" + +The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know what is +passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H. +I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, "Thanks; I'm here only for +the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've just come down here to look for a +house. By the way, I rather think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in +my room. Let's see." + +So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations _en route_. Dr. +MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I should say in _his_ room. +But I've got the apartment, and if it hadn't been for the mistake, I +should have been homeless and houseless, and a wanderer on the face +of the sand at Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, +MCSIMMUM, and thank him for not coming to-night. + +As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of the B.M.A. +here assembled, in the smoking-room. The conversation is chiefly +about the use of alcohol and tobacco as poisons. The decision arrived +at towards one o'clock A.M., or, more correctly speaking, the +Inn-decision, is that, on this particular occasion, one glass more of +something or other, and just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly +hurt anybody. This is carried _nem. con._: and so, subsequently, we +adjourn, not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed. + +Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and after +examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up above in +beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank Mr. NORFOLK +CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality shown me in his +exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by the swift 2·5 P.M. +train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to the moment. Of course I +am now expecting my diploma as Honorary Member of the British Medical +Association. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER JUBILEE.--That of the Old Stagers at Canterbury. Free List +entirely suspended at the Theatre, with the exception of just _A Scrap +Of Paper_ in the house. + + * * * * * + +KURDS AND AWAY! + +[Illustration] + + Indignant we spoke out, and any amount + Of strong language we used when we read the account, + And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we heard + Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd. + + We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of life, + We wiped out the insult with war to the knife; + And it only redoubled our anger to read + That the girl--so they said--had abandoned her creed. + + Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't true; + Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to do, + Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's track, + And we wept in our joy when we knew she was back. + + But the wonderful ending remains to be told, + For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold, + And embracing her husband (as is usual with brides) + Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides. + + So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in vain, + We can now feel quite calm and collected again. + At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice, + She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice. + + Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the bride! + Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied! + With all due respect, let us venture to say + That we hope from her Kurd she will not run away! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN. + +Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my time, I have, +but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal the picter as I seed +on the werry larst day of July larst week, when, by such a series +of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, I was priveledged for to +see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE prepare hisself, with his two +lately benighted Sheriffs, in the most scrumptious of their many rich +dresses, and with the solid gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of +GARMANY about a fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from +abroad, all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with +all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson silk +dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town Clarks and +Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing world may see +what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all looked when in their +werry best close, and with their lovely solid gold deckorations on (as +the HEMPERER and the Prince of WALES begged and prayed as they might +have one a-peace) who arranged and carried out the grandest show +of modern times, wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to +Guildhall. Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em +all into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he said, +"Quite steddy, please!" + +[Illustration] + +But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of what I +saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and that was, +to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, beginning with the +Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of poority and his black Cocked +Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly and kindly arranged for him by the +hartistic Sheriff. + +And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord MARE, in all +his glory, retire to the Committee's dressing-room, and there strip +hisself to his werry shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere +hordnary close of common humanety! + +Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool Photygraff, for +I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed Waiter, I saw the grand +pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, and then saw it fade away like a +strawbery hice on a Summer's Day! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.--The French Fleet may depend upon a +courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the "Pink" of +Politeness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY. + +_Miss Grundison, Junior_. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, ALL ALONE IN A +BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO IMPRUDENT OF THEM!" + +_Her Elder Sister_. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE UPSET AND +DROWNED--WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + + ["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has been + a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am thankful to + agree with your Lordship in thinking that the people of this + country will recognise that it has been a Session of hard and + valuable work."--_Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + + Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or DALTON; + As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands first, + His wild watery way never tempted to halt on, + Undaunted by cold as by hunger or thirst. + Nine months in the waves, though, no man may enjoy; + So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the buoy. + + In November last year he first entered the water, + To start on this special, most arduous swim, + It was cold, with the wind in a winterly quarter, + But winds, like the waves, have small terrors for him. + You remember accounts that the papers then gave + (Here's an extract) concerning this King of the Wave. + +"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), started +yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt--the first having been +a failure--to swim from Tithes Pier to Purchase Point Buoy. It was +an unfavourable time of the year for such an unprecedented feat of +natation, but the Hatfield Champion was confident of success. He is a +perfect whale at long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk +of 'twenty years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative +trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF--more commonly known as the +Sanguine Old 'Un--was equally confident. Two boats accompanied the +Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, SMIFF, and in the +other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One thing, indeed, was in the +Hatfield man's favour; his lately cocky and contemptuous competitors +had been 'weeded out' by a fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, +including what SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, +subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' The +Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had become so +thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and disputes between +them and their backers, that there was not a single 'Paddy' prepared +to enter the water when the signal 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, +therefore, had it all to himself; the performance practically resolves +itself into a trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe +Bearer' is the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to +measure himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage +of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short time. +Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will have to +contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly breezes, &c.; the +'flowing tide' will assuredly not always be with him, and before he +gets to the end of his briny journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will +probably have 'had enough of it.'" + + True prognostication! But skilful natation + Despite some "anxiety" and much "fatigue," + Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's elation." + Together they've plodded o'er many a league + Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear! + They were ridden with skill, though regarded with fear. + + "The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and breast-stroke + Alternately serve him; fatigued but unhurt, + Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best stroke!" + Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. "One spurt, + My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis done; + Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've won!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC BIRDS.--M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to sing in Mr. +ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, _The Light of Asia_. Where was +TRA-LA-LARA when _The Light of Asia_ didn't come out? M. MAUREL +seems to have said, that, if the Opera were produced this season, +he'd be blowed if he sang, and the Opera would probably be damned, +theatrically and operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL +of the story. _The Light of Asia_ mustn't be snuffed out altogether, +but it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as +TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time coming, +and good tunes too, we hope. + + * * * * * + +AMENDE HONORABLE.--In making up the list of outside contributors, _Mr. +Punch's_ Private Secretary regrets having omitted the name of JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the Bloomsburians, and the determined +foe of Mud Salad Market and Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the +initials, "HONEST JOHN," will now be satisfied. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + +W.H. SM-TH. "HOORAY!--ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BANK HOLIDAY. + + SCENE--_The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled with a dense + throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat commanding the + most distant view of a Variety Performance on the Great Stage, + has been occupied an hour in advance. The less punctual stand + and enjoy the spectacle of other persons' hats or bonnets. + Gangs of Male and Female Promenaders jostle and hustle to + their hearts' content, or perform the war-song and dance + of the Lower-class 'ARRY, which consists in chanting "Oi + tiddly-oi-toi; hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women + sit on chairs and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy + of young men and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of + love; the first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, + on the part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner + and partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by thumping + him between the shoulders. From time to time, two champions + contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who may usually + be heard bellowing inconsolably in the background. A small + but increasing per-centage have already had as much liquid + refreshment as is good for them, and intend to have more. + Altogether, the scene, if festive, might puzzle an Intelligent + Foreigner who is more familiar with Continental ideas of + enjoyment._ + +_A Damsel_ (_in a ruby plush hat with a mauve feather_). Why, if they +yn't got that bloomin' ole statute down from Charin' Cross! What's +_'e_ doin' of down 'ere, I wonder? + +_Her Swain_ (_whose feather is only pink and white paper_). Doin' of? +Tykin' 's d'y orf--like the rest of us are tykin' it. + +_The Damsel_ (_giggling_). You go on--you don't green _me_ that w'y--a +statute! + +_Swain_. Well, 'yn't this what they call a "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh? + +_Damsel_ (_in high appreciation of his humour_). I'll fetch you _sech_ +a slap in a minnit! 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback. + +_Another Damsel_ (_in a peacock-blue hat with orange pompons_). See +that nekked young man on the big 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the +stand. 'Oo was _'e_?. + +_Alf_. Oh, _I_'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im as invented the Castor +Ile. + +_The Damsel_ (_disgusted_). Fancy their puttin' up a monument to +_'im_! + +_Superior 'Arry_ (_talking Music-halls to his Adored One_). 'Ave you +'eard her sing "_Come where the Booze is Cheapest_"? + +_The Adored_. Lots o' toimes. I _do_ like _'er_ singing. She mykes +sech comical soigns--and then the _things_ she sez! But I've 'eard +she's very common in her tork, and that--_orf_ the styge. + +_The S.A._ I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em _are_ that way. You can't +'ave _everythink_! + +_His Adored_. No, it _is_ a pity, though. 'Spose we go out, and pl'y +Kiss in the Ring? [_They do._ + +AMONG THE ETHNOLOGICAL MODELS. + +_Wife of British Workman_ (_spelling out placard under Hottentot +Group_). "It is extremely probable that this interesting race will be +completely exterminated at no very distant period." Pore things! + +_British Workman_ (_with philosophy_). Well, _I_ shan't go inter +mournin' for 'em, SAIRER! + +[Illustration] + +_Lambeth Larrikin_ (_in a pasteboard "pickelhaube," and a false +nose, thoughtfully, to BATTERSEA BILL, who is wearing an old grey +chimney-pot hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they +contemplate a party of Botocudo natives_). Rum the sights these 'ere +savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, BILL? + +_Batt. Bill_ (_more thoughtfully_). Yer right--but I dessay if you and +me 'ad been born among that lot, _we_ shouldn't care _'ow_ we looked! + +_Vauxhall Voilet_ (_who has exchanged headgear with CHELSEA +CHORLEY--with dismal results_). They _are_ cures those blackies! Why, +yer carn't 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll +be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their myusic. + +_Chelsea Chorley_. Good job we can't _'ear_ 'em. They say as niggers' +music is somethink downright horful. Give us "_Hi-tiddly-hi_" on that +mouth-orgin o' yours, will yer? + + [_VAUXHALL VOILET obliges on that instrument; everyone in + the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt party, + dancing._ + +_A Pimply Youth_. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's the stuff they gits +as stoopid as biled howls on--it's about time we went and did another +beer. [_They retire for that purpose._ + +DURING THE FIREWORKS. + +_Chorus of Spectators_. There's another lot o' bloomin' rockets gowin +orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What a lark if the sticks come down +on somebody's 'ed! There, didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a +shower o' foiry smuts. Lor, so they do--what a fancy you _do_ 'ave, +&c., &c. + +COMING HOME. + +_An Old Gentleman_ (_who has come out with the object of observing +Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to +his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_). +There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins. +Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying +experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying +itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with +marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't +agree with me? + +_His Friend_ (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather +pathetic than-- + +_The O.G._ (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people +putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a +crowd-- + + [_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption + of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._ + +_Man by the Window_. Third-class as good as fust, these days! There's +ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin'! + + [_"OLE FRED" plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin + trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his + stick, as he leans against the door._ + +_Ole Fred_. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and +I ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a +naturally powerful voice._) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was +boys! Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!" + + [_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of + repetition._ + +_The O.G._ Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there +Sir? [_Whimpers from over-tired children._ + +_Ole Fred_ (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! +No matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril +of my moth-ar, (_to O.G._) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I +see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'" + + [_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing + blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._ + +_The O.G._ (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an +infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who-- + +_Old Fred_. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter +from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An' +the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my +double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform, +as train stops_.) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! +hoi-toi-oy!" + + [_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your + eye," &c., and beat time with their boots._ + +_The O.G._. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the +guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this! + +_The Man by the Window_. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough +to 'urt 'im, _'e_ ain't! + +_Chorus of Females_ (_to O.G._). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to +be _ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you +on'y let him alone! + +_Old Fred_ (_to O.G._). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy! +(_Says, dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the +dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless, +I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!" +(_Here he sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently +cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a +rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere +wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the O.G., who +perspires freely_.) Oh, I _am_ enj'yin' myself! [_He keeps up this +agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the +journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite +three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to +Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it +somewhat modifies the O.G.'s enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a +Bank Holiday._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE FORCEPS. + +(_A Dream of the Dentist's Chair._)] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE SQUARE." + + "A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good catch," + So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck. + Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match + Is won by "perpetual cheque." + + * * * * * + +AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION. + +In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly written by +Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in _The Fortnightly_ for this month, the +author quotes a verse from the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he +writes it, "John Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by +that name was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the +best of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the air +of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:-- + + "My name is JIM COLLINS, + 'Ead-vaiter at Limmers', + The corner of Conduck Street, + 'Anover Square. + + "And my hokkipashun + Is sarvin' out liquors + To such sportin' covies + As chance to come _there_." + +This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and the +ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars and extinct +Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and late nights, more of +the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the veneered version for the +drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., M.D. We may be wrong, but--we don't +think we are. + + * * * * * + +AFTER LUNCH. + +_A FANCY SKETCH, COPIED FROM COBB._ + + ["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic drinks + in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and + coffee."--_Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts_.] + + SCENE--_Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2·15 P.M. + Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state + more easily imagined (by Mr. COBB) than described._ + +_Judge_ (_thickly_). What want t'know--what-do-next? (_Smiles._) Very +hot! Very hot indeed! [_Frowns._ + +_First Q.C._ (_rising unsteadily_). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain! Case +of _Brown_-versus-_Smith_, should say--course--_Smith_-versus-_Brown_. +(_Smiles._) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [_Sits down abruptly._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily_). Very irregular this! Commit--contempt--Court! + +_Second Q.C._ (_leaning luxuriously on desk_). P'raps m'Lord let me +explain. Learned friend--drunk! [_Disappears under his seat._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily, to Second Q.C._) So you! so everybody! (_With +maudlin tenderness_.) Must respect Court! (_Savagely._) You are all +disgusting--disgustingly--'tosticated! Adjourn--morrow mornin'. Usher, +brandy sodah! [_Scene closes in--fortunately!_ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night. +Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim +is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a +terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making +the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have +a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly +popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you +don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how +ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts +by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his +grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. +"One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, +said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'" + +[Illustration: "No Hankey-Pankey with me."] + +"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that +becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank. +"Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are +you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the +Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes +across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?" + +That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses. +Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great +advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's +notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse +language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER +was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him +of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing +about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No +you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks. + +[Illustration: THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.] + +"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden +household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in +her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother. +You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and +betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she +had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues, +'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor +master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'" + +So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive +Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time, +startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making +very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was +nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping +up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" +growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; +but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and +Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the +Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old +game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a +_pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace? +Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly +collapsed. + +"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member +to withdraw." + +"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he +dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then, +gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden +household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into +commonplace. + +[Illustration: Nothing if not critical.] + +_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week. + +_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much +pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending +Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind +up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little +variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:-- + + "The best of all ways to shorten our days + Is to steal a few hours from the night." + +"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical. + +"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair +of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line +should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now, +theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations +are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been +said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of +frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what +I'm about, even when quoting poetry." + +Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House +just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on +unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all +satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on +him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In +Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by +£1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee +thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves. +Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat +down, moving reduction in dumb show. + +Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have +given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when +he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing +about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. +_Business done._--Committee of Supply. + +_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to +keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been +a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and +Country kept us here unto this last. + +"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how +you'll get on without me, dear boys." + +"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the +smoke-room for the last cigarette. + +"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the +country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private +feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE, +He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' +like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in +school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't +let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is +precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on +the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires +from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are +quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot +resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to +immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and +---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone +interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.) +"They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the +retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the +Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, +moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench." + +_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up +figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of +AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's +really gone. + +[Illustration: An Idea.] + +_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at +latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting +off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but +House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may +be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved. + +Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with +legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged +a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a +headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the +circumstances. + +"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday, +leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill." + +"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm +which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise +cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for +remaining days of Session. + + * * * * * + +AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY. + +(_THE SONG OF A COMING CELEBRITY._) + + [Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on + retirement of Alderman EVANS.] + + When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day, + Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky GRAY; + To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the Ci-tee, + GRAY was clearly born to be great--and I am he! + I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin; + I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin, + But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be, + For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the Ci-tee! + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--_Legal Fiction._--The Lord Chief Justice +was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange +morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant +criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question +but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this +country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal +Intelligence" is often very defective. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, August 8, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 *** diff --git a/14808-h/14808-h.htm b/14808-h/14808-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..27049fe --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/14808-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2106 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, August 8, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 8, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <h2>LARKS FOR LONDONERS.</h2> + + <p>Sir,—Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for + gratuitous concerts and dances! But that's not half enough. + Some of us don't care for dancing, and abhor music. What I + propose is that Free Billiard-tables should be established in + each parish. Billiards is much better exercise than sitting + still on a chair listening to singing. Then there ought to be + places where one could get municipal tobacco without paying for + it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life as + education—more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter + evenings it would also be nice to be able to step over to one's + Town Hall and have a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from + the wood"—also from the rates. I don't pay rates myself, + as I happen to live in a flat, but I am sure the ratepayers + will immediately recognise the justice of my demands.</p> + + <p class="author">UNBIASSED.</p> + + <p>Sir,—By all means let us try to give more pleasure to + the people. The pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly + elevating kind. I would advocate throwing open the South + Kensington Natural History Museum in the evening. This would be + most useful, especially to people living at the East End, and + the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not rollicking, + would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable + characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not + produce his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from + the clergyman of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I + am sure that people would jump at a chance of an evening among + the <i>Coleoptera</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, NATURALIST.</p> + + <p>Sir,—I cannot understand why people should ask for + more amusement than they get at present. Have not they the + Parks to walk about in? In wet weather they can take shelter + under trees. In winter they ought to stay at home in the + evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their families. I would + even go so far as to allow an occasional game at draughts. + Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of the + question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously + inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I + throw out these observations for what they may be worth, and + trusting that they will not be regarded as dangerously + subversive of morality, I remain,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME!</p> + + <p>Sir,—The movement for turning our Town Halls into + places of amusement is an excellent one. What I would like to + suggest is, that the Vestrymen should themselves take part in + the entertainments. Why not have weekly theatrical + performances, with parts found for all local Authorities? I + feel convinced that <i>Hamlet</i>, played by our Vestry, would + be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play the + <i>Ghost</i>, while minor characters could be sustained by the + Medical Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and + others; the Chairman, of course, would figure in the title + <i>rôle</i>. A topical comic song, by the Board of Guardians, + with breakdown, might serve as a pleasing interlude; breakdowns + in local matters are, I believe, not unknown already. The idea + is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen owe something to + the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, MERRY ANDREW.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.—A "Champion" pugilist is even + more presumptuous than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a + Thousand Guineas a 'Box.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AFTER THE SEASON.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Proposal Fin de Siècle.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! since the Season is over,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah me, but its moments were sweet!</p> + + <p>You are oft', <i>viâ</i> Folkestone or Dover,</p> + + <p class="i2">To some Continental retreat.</p> + + <p>On Frenchman and German you'll lavish</p> + + <p class="i2">The smiles that can madden me still;</p> + + <p>While I, with the gillie McTavish,</p> + + <p class="i2">Am breasting the heather-clad hill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, do you remember the dances,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dearest were those we sat out,</p> + + <p>How I frowned when detecting your glances</p> + + <p class="i2">On others, which caused you to pout?</p> + + <p>You are changeful and coy and capricious,</p> + + <p class="i2">A weathercock easily blown;</p> + + <p>But when shall I hear the delicious</p> + + <p class="i2">One word that proclaims you my own?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They say that an eloquent passion</p> + + <p class="i2">Has long become quite out of date,</p> + + <p>That true love is never the fashion,</p> + + <p class="i2">And marriage a wearisome state.</p> + + <p>They conjure up many a bogie,</p> + + <p class="i2">To guard a man's bachelor life,</p> + + <p>And keep him a selfish old fogey,</p> + + <p class="i2">And stop him from taking a wife.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They vow that a wife needs a carriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And opera-boxes and stalls,</p> + + <p>That money's the one thing in marriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cheques are as common as calls.</p> + + <p>They say women shy (like some horses)</p> + + <p class="i2">At vows made to love and obey;</p> + + <p>They tell you drear tales of divorces,</p> + + <p class="i2">And scandals, the talk of the day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But hang all those cynical railings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just write me one exquisite line</p> + + <p>To say you'll look over my failings,</p> + + <p class="i2">And promise me you will be mine.</p> + + <p>And though I'm aware it's the merest</p> + + <p class="i2">Small matter of detail, to clear</p> + + <p>The ground, I may mention, my dearest,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've full thirty thousand a year.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.—Last Friday His Honour Judge + BACON had to decide a case which was headed in the papers + "Cagliostromantheon." What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, + who was a fair defendant, won the case; and His + Honour—this appeal having been made to His Honour by Mr. + B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the + stage, but especially for one described as "an + actor,"—decided that His Honour was satisfied. Peace with + His Honour!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By "A Cambridge Parson</i>.")</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the + policy of 'Dishing.'"—<i>Sir W. Harcourt</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hey diddle diddle,</p> + + <p>The voters we'd fiddle</p> + + <p class="i2">With Free Education—that + "boon."</p> + + <p>But Wisbech birds laugh</p> + + <p>At such plain party "chaff,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And the "Dish"—at the + polls—proves a "Spoon."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER.</h3> + + <p>Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a + digest of the news generally, for my power to digest is already + becoming seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches + in <i>Macbeth</i> (I think it's the Witches, but haven't my + <i>Shakspeare</i> handy, I mean my <i>Handy Shakspeare</i>, + with me—wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my Pilgrim's + Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN!</h3> + + <h4><i>A Lay for the Lifeboat Service.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal + National Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in + dire financial straits," the deficit for last year being + £33,000. Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully + received by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, + St. John Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more,"</p> + + <p class="i2">As DIBDIN's Monument informs us;</p> + + <p>But memory of the man who bore</p> + + <p class="i2">That honoured name still stirs and warms + us.</p> + + <p>And here's another of his name,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who still the British Sailor's + serving;</p> + + <p>Then who could see without sore shame</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHN BULL from <i>his</i> plain duty + swerving?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-three Thousand to the bad,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory?</p> + + <p>Nay, JOHN, that will <i>not</i> do, my lad;</p> + + <p class="i2">Next year must tell a different + story.</p> + + <p>Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say</p> + + <p class="i2">To such a thing? In racy lingo,</p> + + <p>Upon our backs his lash he'd lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give the slothful Britons + "stingo."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Life-boat rescuers, already.</p> + + <p>The seas around our shores they've braved,</p> + + <p class="i2">With valour prompt and patience + steady.</p> + + <p>Shall they be floored for <i>L.S.D.</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because JOHN BULL his pockets + buttons?</p> + + <p>Then the old keepers of the Sea</p> + + <p class="i2">Must be, in pluck, as dead as + muttons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True, lads, on such a text as this</p> + + <p class="i2">"We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;"</p> + + <p>But were we mute, Neptune would hiss</p> + + <p class="i2">His sons degenerate off the brine.</p> + + <p>Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more!</p> + + <p class="i2">He's dead, as <i>Scrooge</i> declared old + <i>Marley</i>.</p> + + <p>What then? Wake up, from shore to shore,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—send your guineas to + <i>Young</i> CHARLEY!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Great Scot!"</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a + stolid but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and + Wimbledon, after the match at the latter place between + picked twenties of the London Scottish and the London Rifle + Brigade, won easily by the former team.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot,</p> + + <p>And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot.</p> + + <p>This particular "Saxon" the hump has got,</p> + + <p>Being licked by a team which is Picked <i>and</i> + Scot.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD COMPANY." /> + </a> + + <h3>SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD + COMPANY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to + which the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, + "could I have believed that Republican Sailors, that + Republican Soldiers, could have such a + bearing."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, + ordered a temporary relaxation of the measures for the + expulsion of the Jews from + Russia."—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><i>Autocrat</i> (<i>aside</i>). "HUMPH! + CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY I LIKE THEIR + COSTUMES!" + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How happy could I be with either?"</p> + + <p class="i2">Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p>Yet here we are, tripping together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics and proud Autocrat!</p> + + <p>Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!—</p> + + <p class="i2">So satire will say, I've no doubt.</p> + + <p>And some will declare it must ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">The Russdom once ruled by the knout.</p> + + <p>I wonder—I very much wonder—</p> + + <p class="i2">What NICK to this sight would have + said—</p> + + <p>I fear he'd have looked black as thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">And savage as RURIC the Red.</p> + + <p>For this did we lose the Crimea?</p> + + <p class="i2">For this did we larrup the Jews?</p> + + <p>I really had not an idea</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics could rule—and amuse.</p> + + <p>Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish.</p> + + <p class="i2">How well Miss COLUMBIA can + coax!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <p>The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Briton will grumble "a hoax."</p> + + <p>Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give shouting Emperors a hint;</p> + + <p>I back <i>La Belle France</i>. Her betrayer</p> + + <p class="i2">My meaning must see, plain as print.</p> + + <p>My reply to the great Guildhall grumble</p> + + <p class="i2">Had less of politeness than pith,</p> + + <p>But—well I've no wish so to humble</p> + + <p class="i2">My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH,</p> + + <p>Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Persona gratissima</i>, he;</p> + + <p>And therefore I yield to the Yankee</p> + + <p class="i2">The boon I refused to J.B.</p> + + <p>But yet, all the same, it <i>is</i> funny</p> + + <p class="i2">To see Three like us in One Boat.</p> + + <p>COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat.</p> + + <p>I never imagined Republics</p> + + <p class="i2">Could have such a "bearing" as these.</p> + + <p>Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks</p> + + <p class="i2">The comb sweetly filled by the bees,</p> + + <p>I list to their flattering-chatter;</p> + + <p class="i2">Their voices are pleasant—in + praise;</p> + + <p>But—well, though it seems a small matter,</p> + + <p class="i2">I <i>don't</i> like that dashed + "<i>Marseillaise</i>."</p> + + <p>And "<i>Israel in Egypt</i>" sounds pointed</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd Pharaoh the miscreants—but + stay,</p> + + <p>My soliloquy's getting disjointed,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay,</p> + + <p><i>La Belle France</i> displays a <i>grande + passion</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">My arms they unitedly press.</p> + + <p>One thing though; the Phrygian fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not <i>my</i> ideal of dress.</p> + + <p>They swear that they both love me dearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!"</p> + + <p>They are setting their Caps at me, clearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">But,—well, <i>I don't quite like + the Caps!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CAPLESS MAID.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a + sort of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after + she had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">What shall we do with our Maid?</p> + + <p class="i4">How shall we treat her best?</p> + + <p>Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her + hair?</p> + + <p class="i4">And shall she in silks be drest?</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall we make her a gift of gold?</p> + + <p class="i4">Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps.</p> + + <p>But whatever we make her, wherever we take her,</p> + + <p class="i4">We never must make her wear caps.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Imperious, capless, supreme,</p> + + <p class="i4">Do just as you please evermore;</p> + + <p>And wear what you will, for we shall be</p> + + <p class="i4">And never complain as before.</p> + + <p class="i2">We may put all our money in mines,</p> + + <p class="i4">We may put all our cheese into traps,</p> + + <p>But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear,</p> + + <p class="i4">When we try to put you into caps.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of + 1893 Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in + any electoral contest than he can be in the spring or + autumn of 1892."—<i>Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next + Parliament."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, + too,</p> + + <p>Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true.</p> + + <p>GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's + blithe</p> + + <p>Because <i>his</i> hopes are centred on Time's + <i>scythe</i>.</p> + + <p>Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous + breath</p> + + <p>Lives "in the sure and certain hope"—of + Death!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Resignation.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fire! Fire!"</p> + + <p>"Where? where?'</p> + + <p>SHAW's resigned.</p> + + <p>Then find</p> + + <p>Another one!</p> + + <p>Many gone?</p> + + <p>Fire! Where?</p> + + <p>Here's a scare!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS." /></a> + + <h3>A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS.</h3>(<i>Vide + "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>UPON A GLOVE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After the fashion—more or less—of + Herrick.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham,</p> + + <p class="i4">And Legislative Flam!</p> + + <p>Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool</p> + + <p class="i4">(Both prompt to play the fool,</p> + + <p>In free-lance fashion or official form)</p> + + <p class="i4">Prattled of, 'midst a storm</p> + + <p>Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers,</p> + + <p class="i4">And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"—</p> + + <p>Thou summest well the humbug of our lives.</p> + + <p class="i4">The fistic "bunch of fives"</p> + + <p>Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk"</p> + + <p class="i4">Shrouded in kid or silk,</p> + + <p>But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And SMITH and PRITCHARD—well,</p> + + <p>One would not like a clump upon the head</p> + + <p class="i4">From the teak-noddled "TED,"</p> + + <p>Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;"</p> + + <p class="i4">But somehow "bhoys" like them,</p> + + <p>Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And only nap "a mouse,"</p> + + <p>Though one before the end of the third bout</p> + + <p class="i4">Is clean "knocked out,"—</p> + + <p>Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire,</p> + + <p class="i4">Who in ten minutes tire,</p> + + <p>And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back</p> + + <p class="i4">To shun the impending thwack,—</p> + + <p>Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf</p> + + <p class="i4">As venal JULIA's self.</p> + + <p>GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt,</p> + + <p class="i4">And "What <i>is</i> a knock-out?"</p> + + <p><i>May</i> mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much;</p> + + <p class="i4">But Truth's Ithuriel touch</p> + + <p>Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED,"</p> + + <p class="i4">(Of "slightly swollen" head)</p> + + <p>As well as unsophisticated COBB,</p> + + <p class="i4">(If Truth were "on the job,")</p> + + <p>Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And Law-evading dodge,</p> + + <p>Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery,</p> + + <p class="i4">Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery,</p> + + <p>All the material the Satirist loves,</p> + + <p class="i4">In those same "four-ounce gloves"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY</h3> + + <h4>AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <p>Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain + Crosstree, R.N.</p> + + <p>Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be + presented by Mr. Frederick Locker.</p> + + <p>A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815.</p> + + <p>Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his + affianced bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her + lily-white hands in the nasty pitch and tar."</p> + + <p>Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin + Bolt whether or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet + Alice with hair so brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) + gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) + frown?" The portrait also of the aforesaid Alice, evidently + rather a weak-minded young person.</p> + + <p>Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of + "Black Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence + coloured."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH.</h2> + + <p>In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting + reports about Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express + 12·30 from Waterloo, and go straight away to my terminus, + stopping, if I remember rightly, only twice on the road. + First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with the London and + South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the exception + of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton + Water—scent generally lost where water is, I + believe—and another of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran + into our quarry at Bournemouth Station West, in just two hours + and a half. [<i>Happy Thought</i>.—Lunch <i>en route</i>, + between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, not + all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts + at hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, + &c., &c.]</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'WELCOME THE COMING—'" /></a>"WELCOME THE + COMING—" + + <p>"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only + charmed to have your company."—<i>Extract from Speech + of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to Un-illustrious + Visitor</i>.</p> + </div> + + <p>Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or + Nice, or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, + Monte Carlo, and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are + painted, for Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week + in July) at a delightfully mean temperature,—if I may be + allowed to use the word "mean" without implying any sort of + disrespect for the Bournemouthers.</p> + + <p>Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any + previous occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as + at this present moment. Odd!</p> + + <p>"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association + here. All sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings + too."</p> + + <p>If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a + night in a bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called + early; then sea-bath; also man to bring hot water and towels. + While speculating on this probability, we arrive at</p> + + <p><i>Royal Bath Hotel</i>.—Flag flying, showing that + British Medical Association Family are at home. Other flags + elsewhere express same idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of + course. Array of servants in brown liveries and gilt buttons in + outer hall, preparing to receive visitors. Pleasant and + courteous Manager—evidently Manager—with foreign + accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" I + ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous + Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive + pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly + ladies, chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, + and awaiting my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be + shown up." (<i>Absit omen!</i>) However, I am shown up. + Charming room: sea-view, nearly all the views from the windows + of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath which way you will; + and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The Warm Bath + Hotel.</p> + + <p>I am looking for something which has probably been left in + the hall. "Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look + round; "where's my waterproof with two capes? I've + missed—er—" I hesitate, being still uncertain.</p> + + <p>A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He + pauses in his swift career, as if catching my last words. I + hear him repeat, "Missed—er—" and then "Capes." To + this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, I'll tell him," and + vanishes.</p> + + <p>"<i>Tell him?</i>" Oh, probably he means that he will tell + the other Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double + capes. But to make assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of + the stairs and call out, "Wrapper—with two + capes—probably in the hall—don't see it here." To + which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the + Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something + inaudible, finishing with, "up there."</p> + + <p>I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy + and refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have + left the door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof + wrapper, I am turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the + old stage-directions have it, a distinguished-looking + gentleman, bearded and moustached, white-vested, and generally + "in full fig."—(<i>Mem.</i>—Write to <i>Notes and + Queries, Unde derivatur</i>—"Full fig?") who advances + briskly but quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made + some mistake in the number of his room. At least, I hope the + mistake isn't on <i>my</i> part, or on the urbane Manager's + part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor bows. I am about to + explain that he is in error, and that this is my room, when he + deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; my + name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am + sure, Sir, I am more than delighted to see <i>you</i>!" and he + proffers his hand, which I take and shake heartily, at the same + time wondering where on earth we have met before, and why he + should be so effusively joyful at seeing me again. Suddenly, as + I release his hand, I see where the mistake is, and how it has + arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls to my mind that in + an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs to Mr. + CAPES,—Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This + amiable gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the + Proprietor himself. I also am delighted. "Very kind of him to + take this trouble," I say.</p> + + <p>"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special + kindness on his part. And as to trouble!—well, he scouts + that idea with an energetic wave of his hand. Now, he wants to + know, what will I do, where will I go, what will I take? + Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting in the Town + Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests the + considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before + dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have + tickets for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a + cigar in the smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get + to bed."</p> + + <p>I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, + shall meet some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him + immensely. As a matter of fact, however, I confide to him that + I should prefer keeping myself quiet this evening, as I have so + much to do to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p>"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most + sympathetically. "And you'd like to rest as much as possible + to-night after your journey. You'd like a table to yourself a + little later. No—no—no thanks, I'm only too + delighted."</p> + + <p>And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the + hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the + Boots, who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had + sent him for, to point me out to him, and to tell him to order + a private table for me in the <i>salle à manger</i> + "at—at?"—he queries—and I reply by inquiring + if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then. + "Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the + slightest difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, + "7·45," whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus + 'tis arranged.</p> + + <p>Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. + Beautiful air, not the least enervating. On the contrary, + refreshing. Returning later on to dress, I see the <i>salle à + manger</i> full to overflowing. The Medicals are all feeding + well and wisely, as Medicals ought to do. A pleasant company. + Only a few of the younger and idler spirits remain when I sit + down to my dinner about eight. Excellent <i>cuisine</i>. + Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole + pickles, beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth + beans. For wine, Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish + with Corfe Castle Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in + the sea-garden, or garden o'erlooking the sea.</p> + + <p>Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as <i>Lady + Macbeth</i> observes. Sensible person, <i>Lady Mac</i>.</p> + + <p>On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am + alone at first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical + Association has returned in force. I catch occasional bits in + conversation:—</p> + + <p>"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. + Great pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about + MCSIMMUM, all evidently more or less good, and all interesting. + I myself begin to wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have + been an acquisition.) More medical men of various ages and with + variety of spectacles. All enjoying themselves + thoroughly,—quite medical boys out for a + holiday,—but every one of them, individually and + collectively, intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. + I hear the voice of my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will + ask Mr. CAPES about this celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom + evidently I ought to know, at least by repute. Perhaps I have + known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a man with whom I + often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the + smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I + have heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't + remember.</p> + + <p>Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to + everybody. Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is + saying. It is, "My dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM <i>is</i> here. I've + seen him. He dined <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> alone. He said he preferred + it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several + exclaim, "But <i>where</i> is he <i>now</i>?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being + tired, he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. + 142, on his arrival."</p> + + <p>Heavens! The number of my room—is 142! Not another man + in <i>there</i>! No.... I see it all now, <i>I am Dr. + MCSIMMUM!</i> The real MCSIMMUM hasn't arrived, and he hasn't + sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, and the absence + of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he arrives now! + where shall <i>I</i> be?</p> + + <p>"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming + right into the midst of them.</p> + + <p>To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES + says so, but no one's seen him."</p> + + <p>"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's + staying with some friends a little way out of the town. He has + just sent me a note by hand to say that he won't occupy his + room till to-morrow, and will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will + forward by bearer a bag that was labelled and addressed to the + room taken for him here, No. 142."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/65-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-1.png" + alt="'—— Speed the Parting Guest.'" /> + </a>"—— Speed the Parting Guest." + </div> + + <p>"But—" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, + "but—"</p> + + <p>At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery + voice. Saved! I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN + HARTLEY, M.D., who, years ago, told me there was nothing the + matter with me, only I must take a holiday and go abroad to get + better (most excellent advice, and I've never been quite well + since), and who now exclaims, with all his old breadth of + manner, "What <i>you</i> here! Bravo! We'll make you an + honorary member!"</p> + + <p>The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know + what is passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. + and P.R.B.H. I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, + "Thanks; I'm here only for the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've + just come down here to look for a house. By the way, I rather + think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in my room. Let's + see."</p> + + <p>So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations <i>en + route</i>. Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I + should say in <i>his</i> room. But I've got the apartment, and + if it hadn't been for the mistake, I should have been homeless + and houseless, and a wanderer on the face of the sand at + Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, MCSIMMUM, + and thank him for not coming to-night.</p> + + <p>As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of + the B.M.A. here assembled, in the smoking-room. The + conversation is chiefly about the use of alcohol and tobacco as + poisons. The decision arrived at towards one o'clock A.M., or, + more correctly speaking, the Inn-decision, is that, on this + particular occasion, one glass more of something or other, and + just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly hurt anybody. This + is carried <i>nem. con.</i>: and so, subsequently, we adjourn, + not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed.</p> + + <p>Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and + after examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up + above in beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank + Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality + shown me in his exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by + the swift 2·5 P.M. train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to + the moment. Of course I am now expecting my diploma as Honorary + Member of the British Medical Association.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER JUBILEE.—That of the Old Stagers at + Canterbury. Free List entirely suspended at the Theatre, with + the exception of just <i>A Scrap Of Paper</i> in the house.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>KURDS AND AWAY!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/65-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Indignant we spoke out, and any amount</p> + + <p>Of strong language we used when we read the + account,</p> + + <p>And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we + heard</p> + + <p>Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of + life,</p> + + <p>We wiped out the insult with war to the knife;</p> + + <p>And it only redoubled our anger to read</p> + + <p>That the girl—so they said—had abandoned + her creed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't + true;</p> + + <p>Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to + do,</p> + + <p>Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's + track,</p> + + <p>And we wept in our joy when we knew she was + back.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the wonderful ending remains to be told,</p> + + <p>For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold,</p> + + <p>And embracing her husband (as is usual with + brides)</p> + + <p>Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in + vain,</p> + + <p>We can now feel quite calm and collected again.</p> + + <p>At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice,</p> + + <p>She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the + bride!</p> + + <p>Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied!</p> + + <p>With all due respect, let us venture to say</p> + + <p>That we hope from her Kurd she will not run + away!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN.</h2> + + <p>Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my + time, I have, but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal + the picter as I seed on the werry larst day of July larst week, + when, by such a series of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, + I was priveledged for to see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE + prepare hisself, with his two lately benighted Sheriffs, in the + most scrumptious of their many rich dresses, and with the solid + gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of GARMANY about a + fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from abroad, + all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with + all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson + silk dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town + Clarks and Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing + world may see what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all + looked when in their werry best close, and with their lovely + solid gold deckorations on (as the HEMPERER and the Prince of + WALES begged and prayed as they might have one a-peace) who + arranged and carried out the grandest show of modern times, + wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to Guildhall. + Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em all + into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he + said, "Quite steddy, please!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:21%;"> + <a href="images/65-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of + what I saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and + that was, to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, + beginning with the Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of + poority and his black Cocked Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly + and kindly arranged for him by the hartistic Sheriff.</p> + + <p>And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord + MARE, in all his glory, retire to the Committee's + dressing-room, and there strip hisself to his werry + shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere hordnary close of + common humanety!</p> + + <p>Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool + Photygraff, for I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed + Waiter, I saw the grand pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, + and then saw it fade away like a strawbery hice on a Summer's + Day!</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.—The French Fleet may + depend upon a courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who + is the "Pink" of Politeness.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY." /></a> + + <h3>THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Grundison, Junior</i>. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, + ALL ALONE IN A BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO + IMPRUDENT OF THEM!"</p> + + <p><i>Her Elder Sister</i>. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE + UPSET AND DROWNED—WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has + been a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am + thankful to agree with your Lordship in thinking that the + people of this country will recognise that it has been a + Session of hard and valuable work."—<i>Lord Salisbury + at the Mansion House</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or + DALTON;</p> + + <p class="i2">As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands + first,</p> + + <p>His wild watery way never tempted to halt on,</p> + + <p class="i2">Undaunted by cold as by hunger or + thirst.</p> + + <p>Nine months in the waves, though, no man may + enjoy;</p> + + <p>So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the + buoy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In November last year he first entered the + water,</p> + + <p class="i2">To start on this special, most arduous + swim,</p> + + <p>It was cold, with the wind in a winterly + quarter,</p> + + <p class="i2">But winds, like the waves, have small + terrors for him.</p> + + <p>You remember accounts that the papers then gave</p> + + <p>(Here's an extract) concerning this King of the + Wave.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), + started yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt—the + first having been a failure—to swim from Tithes Pier to + Purchase Point Buoy. It was an unfavourable time of the year + for such an unprecedented feat of natation, but the Hatfield + Champion was confident of success. He is a perfect whale at + long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk of 'twenty + years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative + trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF—more commonly known + as the Sanguine Old 'Un—was equally confident. Two boats + accompanied the Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, + SMIFF, and in the other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One + thing, indeed, was in the Hatfield man's favour; his lately + cocky and contemptuous competitors had been 'weeded out' by a + fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, including what + SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, + subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' + The Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had + become so thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and + disputes between them and their backers, that there was not a + single 'Paddy' prepared to enter the water when the signal + 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, therefore, had it all to + himself; the performance practically resolves itself into a + trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe Bearer' is + the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to measure + himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage + of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short + time. Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will + have to contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly + breezes, &c.; the 'flowing tide' will assuredly not always + be with him, and before he gets to the end of his briny + journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will probably have 'had + enough of it.'"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True prognostication! But skilful natation</p> + + <p class="i2">Despite some "anxiety" and much + "fatigue,"</p> + + <p>Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's + elation."</p> + + <p class="i2">Together they've plodded o'er many a + league</p> + + <p>Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear!</p> + + <p>They were ridden with skill, though regarded with + fear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and + breast-stroke</p> + + <p class="i2">Alternately serve him; fatigued but + unhurt,</p> + + <p>Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best + stroke!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. + "One spurt,</p> + + <p>My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis + done;</p> + + <p>Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've + won!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OPERATIC BIRDS.—M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to + sing in Mr. ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, <i>The Light of + Asia</i>. Where was TRA-LA-LARA when <i>The Light of Asia</i> + didn't come out? M. MAUREL seems to have said, that, if the + Opera were produced this season, he'd be blowed if he sang, and + the Opera would probably be damned, theatrically and + operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL of the story. + <i>The Light of Asia</i> mustn't be snuffed out altogether, but + it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as + TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time + coming, and good tunes too, we hope.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AMENDE HONORABLE.—In making up the list of outside + contributors, <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Private Secretary regrets + having omitted the name of JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the + Bloomsburians, and the determined foe of Mud Salad Market and + Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the initials, "HONEST + JOHN," will now be satisfied.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="'A LONG DISTANCE SWIM.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h3>W.H. SM-TH. + "HOORAY!—ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BANK HOLIDAY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled + with a dense throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat + commanding the most distant view of a Variety Performance + on the Great Stage, has been occupied an hour in advance. + The less punctual stand and enjoy the spectacle of other + persons' hats or bonnets. Gangs of Male and Female + Promenaders jostle and hustle to their hearts' content, or + perform the war-song and dance of the Lower-class</i> + 'ARRY, <i>which consists in chanting "Oi tiddly-oi-toi; + hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women sit on chairs + and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy of young men + and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of love; the + first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, on the + part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner and + partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by + thumping him between the shoulders. From time to time, two + champions contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who + may usually be heard bellowing inconsolably in the + background. A small but increasing per-centage have already + had as much liquid refreshment as is good for them, and + intend to have more. Altogether, the scene, if festive, + might puzzle an Intelligent Foreigner who is more familiar + with Continental ideas of enjoyment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Damsel</i> (<i>in a ruby plush hat with a mauve + feather</i>). Why, if they yn't got that bloomin' ole + statute down from Charin' Cross! What's <i>'e</i> doin' of + down 'ere, I wonder?</p> + + <p><i>Her Swain</i> (<i>whose feather is only pink and + white paper</i>). Doin' of? Tykin' 's d'y orf—like + the rest of us are tykin' it.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>giggling</i>). You go on—you + don't green <i>me</i> that w'y—a statute!</p> + + <p><i>Swain</i>. Well, 'yn't this what they call a + "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Damsel</i> (<i>in high appreciation of his + humour</i>). I'll fetch you <i>sech</i> a slap in a minnit! + 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback.</p> + + <p><i>Another Damsel</i> (<i>in a peacock-blue hat with + orange pompons</i>). See that nekked young man on the big + 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the stand. 'Oo was + <i>'e</i>?.</p> + + <p><i>Alf</i>. Oh, <i>I</i>'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im + as invented the Castor Ile.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>disgusted</i>). Fancy their + puttin' up a monument to <i>'im</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Superior 'Arry</i> (<i>talking Music-halls to his + Adored One</i>). 'Ave you 'eard her sing "<i>Come where the + Booze is Cheapest</i>"?</p> + + <p><i>The Adored</i>. Lots o' toimes. I <i>do</i> like + <i>'er</i> singing. She mykes sech comical soigns—and + then the <i>things</i> she sez! But I've 'eard she's very + common in her tork, and that—<i>orf</i> the + styge.</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em + <i>are</i> that way. You can't 'ave <i>everythink</i>!</p> + + <p><i>His Adored</i>. No, it <i>is</i> a pity, though. + 'Spose we go out, and pl'y Kiss in the Ring? [<i>They + do.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Among the Ethnological Models.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Wife of British Workman</i> (<i>spelling out placard + under Hottentot Group</i>). "It is extremely probable that + this interesting race will be completely exterminated at no + very distant period." Pore things!</p> + + <p><i>British Workman</i> (<i>with philosophy</i>). Well, + <i>I</i> shan't go inter mournin' for 'em, SAIRER!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Lambeth Larrikin</i> (<i>in a pasteboard + "pickelhaube," and a false nose, thoughtfully, to</i> + BATTERSEA BILL, <i>who is wearing an old grey chimney-pot + hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they + contemplate a party of Botocudo natives</i>). Rum the + sights these 'ere savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, + BILL?</p> + + <p><i>Batt. Bill</i> (<i>more thoughtfully</i>). Yer + right—but I dessay if you and me 'ad been born among + that lot, <i>we</i> shouldn't care <i>'ow</i> we + looked!</p> + + <p><i>Vauxhall Voilet</i> (<i>who has exchanged headgear + with</i> CHELSEA CHORLEY—<i>with dismal results</i>). + They <i>are</i> cures those blackies! Why, yer carn't + 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll + be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their + myusic.</p> + + <p><i>Chelsea Chorley</i>. Good job we can't <i>'ear</i> + 'em. They say as niggers' music is somethink downright + horful. Give us "<i>Hi-tiddly-hi</i>" on that mouth-orgin + o' yours, will yer?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[VAUXHALL VOILET <i>obliges on that instrument; everyone + in the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt + party, dancing.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Pimply Youth</i>. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's + the stuff they gits as stoopid as biled howls on—it's + about time we went and did another beer. [<i>They retire + for that purpose.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">During the Fireworks.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Chorus of Spectators</i>. There's another lot o' + bloomin' rockets gowin orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What + a lark if the sticks come down on somebody's 'ed! There, + didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a shower o' foiry + smuts. Lor, so they do—what a fancy you <i>do</i> + 'ave, &c., &c.</p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Coming Home.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Old Gentleman</i> (<i>who has come out with the + object of observing Bank Holiday manners—which he has + done from a respectful distance—to his friend, as + they settle down in an empty first-class compartment</i>). + There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the + crush begins. Now, to <i>me</i>, y'know, this has been a + most interesting and gratifying experience—wonderful + spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying itself in its + own way—boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, + with marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to + see—but you don't agree with me?</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i> (<i>reluctantly</i>). Well, I must say + it struck me as rather pathetic than—</p> + + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>testily</i>). Pathetic, + Sir—nonsense! I like to see people putting their + <i>heart</i> into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a + crowd—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden + irruption of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the + compartment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Man by the Window</i>. Third-class as good as fust, + these days! There's ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole + son—room for one more standin'!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>["OLE FRED" <i>plays himself in with a triumphal blast + on a tin trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof + with his stick, as he leans against the door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Ole Fred</i>. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one + on the jaw, and I ain't seen 'im since! (<i>Sings, + sentimentally, at the top of a naturally powerful + voice</i>.) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was boys! + Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each + hother's—beer!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A "paraprosdokian," which delights him + to the point of repetition.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> Might I ask you to make a little less + disturbance there Sir? [<i>Whimpers from over-tired + children.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ole Fred</i> (<i>roaring</i>). "I'm jolly as a + Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! No matter what I see or 'ear, + I larf at heverything! I'm the morril of my moth-ar, + (<i>to</i> O.G.) the himage of <i>your</i> Par! And + heverythink I see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He laughs "Ar-har," after which he + gives a piercing blast upon the trumpet, with stick + obbligato on the roof.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>roused</i>). I really <i>must</i> + beg you not to be such an infernal nuisance! There are + women and children here who—</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i>. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! + (<i>Screams of laughter from women and children, which + encourage him to sing again.</i>) "An' the roof is + copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my + double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (<i>To people on + platform, as train stops.</i>) <i>Come</i> in, oh, lor, + <i>do</i>! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! hoi-toi-oy!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The rest take up the refrain—"'Ave a + drink an' wet your eye," &c., and beat time with + their boots.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i>. If this abominable noise goes on, I + shall call the guard—disgraceful, coming in drunk + like this!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <p><i>The Man by the Window</i>. 'Ere, dry up, + Guv'nor—<i>'e</i> ain't 'ad enough to 'urt 'im, + <i>'e</i> ain't!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Females</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). An' Bank + 'Oliday, too—you orter to be <i>ashimed</i> o' + yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you on'y let + him alone!</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). Ga-arn, yer + pore-'arted ole choiner boy! (<i>Says, dismally</i>), "Ow! + for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the dyes gorn boy! + Ow! for the"—(<i>changing the + melody</i>)—"'omeless, I wander in lonely distress. + No one ter pity me—none ter caress!" (<i>Here he + sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently + cheers up.</i>) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome + toight! I'm a rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a + foight." Any man 'ere wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole + Frecklefoot! (<i>To the</i> O.G., <i>who perspires + freely.</i>) Oh, I <i>am</i> enj'yin' myself! [<i>He keeps + up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the + remainder of the journey, which—as the train stops + everywhere, and takes quite three-quarters of an hour in + getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to + Victoria—affords a signal proof of his social + resources, though it somewhat modifies the</i> O.G.'s + <i>enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a Bank + Holiday.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/70-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-1.png" + alt="THE FESTIVE FORCEPS." /></a> + + <h3>THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.</h3>(<i>A Dream of the Dentist's + Chair.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"On the Square."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good + catch,"</p> + + <p class="i2">So lisp rosy lips that romance little + reck.</p> + + <p>Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match</p> + + <p class="i2">Is won by "perpetual cheque."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION.</h3> + + <p>In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly + written by Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in <i>The + Fortnightly</i> for this month, the author quotes a verse from + the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he writes it, "John + Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by that name + was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the best + of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the + air of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My name is JIM COLLINS,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Ead-vaiter at Limmers',</p> + + <p>The corner of Conduck Street,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Anover Square.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And my hokkipashun</p> + + <p class="i2">Is sarvin' out liquors</p> + + <p>To such sportin' covies</p> + + <p class="i2">As chance to come <i>there</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and + the ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars + and extinct Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and + late nights, more of the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the + veneered version for the drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., + M.D. We may be wrong, but—we don't think we are.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AFTER LUNCH.</h3> + + <h4><i>A Fancy Sketch, Copied from Cobb.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic + drinks in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea + and coffee."—<i>Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the + Law Courts</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Apartment in the Chancery Division. + Time</i>, 2·15 P.M. Judge, Bar, Solicitors, <i>and</i> + Public <i>discovered in a state more easily imagined + (by</i> Mr. COBB<i>) than described.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>thickly</i>). What want + t'know—what-do-next? (<i>Smiles.</i>) Very hot! Very + hot indeed! [<i>Frowns.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Q.C.</i> (<i>rising unsteadily</i>). P'raps + m'Lord let m'explain! Case of + <i>Brown</i>-versus-<i>Smith</i>, should + say—course—<i>Smith</i>-versus-<i>Brown</i>. + (<i>Smiles.</i>) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [<i>Sits down + abruptly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily</i>). Very irregular this! + Commit—contempt—Court!</p> + + <p><i>Second Q.C.</i> (<i>leaning luxuriously on desk</i>). + P'raps m'Lord let me explain. Learned friend—drunk! + [<i>Disappears under his seat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily, to</i> Second Q.C.) So you! so + everybody! (<i>With maudlin tenderness</i>.) Must respect + Court! (<i>Savagely.</i>) You are all + disgusting—disgustingly—'tosticated! + Adjourn—morrow mornin'. Usher, brandy sodah! + [<i>Scene closes in—fortunately!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/70-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-2.png" + alt="'No Hankey-Pankey with me.'" /></a>"No + Hankey-Pankey with me." + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 27</i>.—Quite like + old times to-night. Public business interrupted, and private + Member suspended. The victim is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; + been on the rampage all last week; a terror to the Clerks' + table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making the + Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have + a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, + suddenly popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, + "Ah, ah!" "No, you don't!" "Would you, then?" and other + discursive remarks. Curious how ATKINSON, indulging in these + luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts by others to enjoy + similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his grievances just + now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. "One of the + Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, said, + 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"</p> + + <p>"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt + manner that becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the + Consolidated Bank. "Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this + simple interjection? Are you to appropriate all the O's in the + alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the Table a man and a brother, and + why may he not, if the idea flashes across his active brain, + say, 'Oh! oh!'?"</p> + + <p>That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to + his senses. Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters + in that light. Great advantage having a man like HANKEY going + round prepared at moment's notice to take common-sense view of + situation and depict it in terse language. Sobering effect on + ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER was narrating + circumstances on which he had based charge against him of + frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing + about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! + ah!" "No you don't!" and offering other pertinent but + fragmentary remarks.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING." /></a> + + <h3>THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <p>"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the + Varden household, when <i>Miss Miggs</i> returns expecting to + be re-instated in her old place of predominance, near the + person of <i>Dolly's</i> mother. You remember how, when she + finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and betrays her + mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she had + the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' <i>Miss Miggs</i> + continues, 'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! + He, he, he! Nor master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"</p> + + <p>So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of + successive Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. + JOKIM at one time, startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right + ear as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell + over the folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation + growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping up with ever-increasing + vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in + frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but + supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and + Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or + would the Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see + revival of the old game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend + GOSSET used to perform a <i>pas de deux</i> between the gaping + doorway and the astonished Mace? Happily ATKINSON (still like + <i>Miss Miggs</i>, as SARK insists) suddenly collapsed.</p> + + <p>"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an + Hon. Member to withdraw."</p> + + <p>"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," + and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "<i>I will + come back.</i>" Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped + lightly forth, and the Varden household—I mean the House + of Commons, dropped once more into commonplace.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/72-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-1.png" + alt="Nothing if not critical." /></a>Nothing if not + critical. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—ATKINSON expelled for a + week.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, + and was much pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in + Motion suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all + hours of the night, and wind up business of Session. "We may," + he observed, "apply, with a little variation, the late Mr. + MOORE's verse:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The best of all ways to shorten our days</p> + + <p>Is to steal a few hours from the night."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not + critical.</p> + + <p>"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are + a pair of feet left out. But <i>you</i> know, TOBY, how they + run. The last line should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the + night, my Love.' Now, theoretically, and in accordance with + order, all our observations are directed personally to the + SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been said if I had completed + the quotation! I should have been accused of frivolity, and + perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what I'm + about, even when quoting poetry."</p> + + <p>Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing + in House just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man + who prattles on unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all satisfied with condition of + affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on him; left him nowhere. + Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In Committee on Irish + Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000; + proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee + thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for + themselves. Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten + minutes; then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.</p> + + <p>Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; + would have given him much livelier impression of the place than + he gained when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, + listening to CLARK discoursing about Scotch Crofters to + audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. <i>Business + done.</i>—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—House rapidly thinning; + AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to keep his men together; falling + off like leaves in wintry weather. Been a long Session, and a + weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and Country kept us + here unto this last.</p> + + <p>"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't + know how you'll get on without me, dear boys."</p> + + <p>"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered + in the smoke-room for the last cigarette.</p> + + <p>"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to + the country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done + to private feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, + but RUSTEM ROOSE, He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to + Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' like ATKINSON and another ancient + Roman (of whom you may have read in school-books), 'I return.' + In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork + himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is precious to + all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on the + Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires + from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There + are quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, + who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their natural + inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral + pyre. There's ——, and ——, and + —— ——." (Wild horses couldn't drag + these names from me. Anyone interested should write to the + SAGE, <i>Poste Restante Marienbad</i>.) "They could not think + of lingering on the political scene after the retirement of the + head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee. It + will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, + moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury + Bench."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/72-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-2.png" + alt="An Idea." /></a>An Idea. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—SAGE goes off by the Club train. + The two muffled-up figures seen in the background of the + station are emissaries of AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the + mission of ascertaining whether he's really gone.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—House sitting to-day. Should have + prorogued yesterday at latest; but, somehow, drifting on; + Members, for their part, drifting off; affairs reached lowest + level; business practically wound up; but House must needs sit + another week in order that Appropriation Bill may be got + through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.</p> + + <p>Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, + Q.C., with legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that + has wagged a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive + brow. "Got a headache?" I asked, that being the most natural + thing under the circumstances.</p> + + <p>"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned + holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation + Bill."</p> + + <p>"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that + enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in + breach of promise cases. <i>Business + done.</i>—Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for + remaining days of Session.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>The Song of a Coming Celebrity.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, + on retirement of Alderman EVANS.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day,</p> + + <p>Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky + GRAY;</p> + + <p>To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the + Ci-tee,</p> + + <p>GRAY was clearly born to be great—and I am + he!</p> + + <p>I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin;</p> + + <p>I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin,</p> + + <p>But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be,</p> + + <p>For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the + Ci-tee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.—<i>Legal + Fiction.</i>—The Lord Chief Justice was certainly a + little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange morality, and it + is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant criticism + of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question but + that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this + country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal + Intelligence" is often very defective.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14808-h/images/61.png b/14808-h/images/61.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a78579 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/61.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/62.png b/14808-h/images/62.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a396650 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/62.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/63.png b/14808-h/images/63.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed5df4b --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/63.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/64.png b/14808-h/images/64.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..09ef481 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/64.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-1.png b/14808-h/images/65-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bdeeced --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-2.png b/14808-h/images/65-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23a5991 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-2.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-3.png b/14808-h/images/65-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e55d86a --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-3.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/66.png b/14808-h/images/66.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a015795 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/66.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/67.png b/14808-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..585b4e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/67.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/69.png b/14808-h/images/69.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fa0ef3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/69.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/70-1.png b/14808-h/images/70-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97704ad --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/70-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/70-2.png b/14808-h/images/70-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5010634 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/70-2.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/71.png b/14808-h/images/71.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c31bab --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/71.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/72-1.png b/14808-h/images/72-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5052ee --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/72-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/72-2.png b/14808-h/images/72-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51f50b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/72-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..be03f52 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14808 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14808) diff --git a/old/14808-8.txt b/old/14808-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..53b82c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14808-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1766 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +August 8, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 8, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 26, 2005 [EBook #14808] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +August 8, 1891. + + + + +LARKS FOR LONDONERS. + +Sir,--Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for gratuitous concerts +and dances! But that's not half enough. Some of us don't care for +dancing, and abhor music. What I propose is that Free Billiard-tables +should be established in each parish. Billiards is much better +exercise than sitting still on a chair listening to singing. Then +there ought to be places where one could get municipal tobacco +without paying for it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life +as education--more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter evenings it +would also be nice to be able to step over to one's Town Hall and have +a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from the wood"--also from the +rates. I don't pay rates myself, as I happen to live in a flat, but +I am sure the ratepayers will immediately recognise the justice of my +demands. + + UNBIASSED. + +Sir,--By all means let us try to give more pleasure to the people. The +pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly elevating kind. I would +advocate throwing open the South Kensington Natural History Museum in +the evening. This would be most useful, especially to people living +at the East End, and the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not +rollicking, would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable +characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not produce +his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from the clergyman +of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I am sure that people +would jump at a chance of an evening among the _Coleoptera_. + + Yours, NATURALIST. + +Sir,--I cannot understand why people should ask for more amusement +than they get at present. Have not they the Parks to walk about in? In +wet weather they can take shelter under trees. In winter they ought +to stay at home in the evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their +families. I would even go so far as to allow an occasional game at +draughts. Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of +the question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously +inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I throw out +these observations for what they may be worth, and trusting that they +will not be regarded as dangerously subversive of morality, I remain, + + Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME! + +Sir,--The movement for turning our Town Halls into places of amusement +is an excellent one. What I would like to suggest is, that the +Vestrymen should themselves take part in the entertainments. Why not +have weekly theatrical performances, with parts found for all local +Authorities? I feel convinced that _Hamlet_, played by our Vestry, +would be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play +the _Ghost_, while minor characters could be sustained by the Medical +Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and others; the +Chairman, of course, would figure in the title _rôle_. A topical comic +song, by the Board of Guardians, with breakdown, might serve as a +pleasing interlude; breakdowns in local matters are, I believe, not +unknown already. The idea is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen +owe something to the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them. + + Yours, MERRY ANDREW. + + * * * * * + +BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.--A "Champion" pugilist is even more presumptuous +than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a Thousand Guineas a +'Box.'" + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE SEASON. + +_A PROPOSAL FIN DE SIÈCLE._ + +[Illustration] + + Farewell! since the Season is over, + Ah me, but its moments were sweet! + You are oft', _viâ_ Folkestone or Dover, + To some Continental retreat. + On Frenchman and German you'll lavish + The smiles that can madden me still; + While I, with the gillie McTavish, + Am breasting the heather-clad hill. + + Oh, do you remember the dances, + The dearest were those we sat out, + How I frowned when detecting your glances + On others, which caused you to pout? + You are changeful and coy and capricious, + A weathercock easily blown; + But when shall I hear the delicious + One word that proclaims you my own? + + They say that an eloquent passion + Has long become quite out of date, + That true love is never the fashion, + And marriage a wearisome state. + They conjure up many a bogie, + To guard a man's bachelor life, + And keep him a selfish old fogey, + And stop him from taking a wife. + + They vow that a wife needs a carriage, + And opera-boxes and stalls, + That money's the one thing in marriage, + And cheques are as common as calls. + They say women shy (like some horses) + At vows made to love and obey; + They tell you drear tales of divorces, + And scandals, the talk of the day. + + But hang all those cynical railings, + Just write me one exquisite line + To say you'll look over my failings, + And promise me you will be mine. + And though I'm aware it's the merest + Small matter of detail, to clear + The ground, I may mention, my dearest, + I've full thirty thousand a year. + + * * * * * + +BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.--Last Friday His Honour Judge BACON had to +decide a case which was headed in the papers "Cagliostromantheon." +What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, who was a fair defendant, won +the case; and His Honour--this appeal having been made to His Honour +by Mr. B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the +stage, but especially for one described as "an actor,"--decided that +His Honour was satisfied. Peace with His Honour! + + * * * * * + +NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME. + +(_BY "A CAMBRIDGE PARSON_.") + + ["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the policy + of 'Dishing.'"--_Sir W. Harcourt_.] + + Hey diddle diddle, + The voters we'd fiddle + With Free Education--that "boon." + But Wisbech birds laugh + At such plain party "chaff," + And the "Dish"--at the polls--proves a "Spoon." + + * * * * * + +FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER. + +Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a digest +of the news generally, for my power to digest is already becoming +seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches in _Macbeth_ (I +think it's the Witches, but haven't my _Shakspeare_ handy, I mean +my _Handy Shakspeare_, with me--wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my +Pilgrim's Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH. + + * * * * * + +IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN! + +_A LAY FOR THE LIFEBOAT SERVICE._ + + [An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal National + Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in dire + financial straits," the deficit for last year being £33,000. + Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully received + by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, St. John + Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.] + + True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more," + As DIBDIN's Monument informs us; + But memory of the man who bore + That honoured name still stirs and warms us. + And here's another of his name, + Who still the British Sailor's serving; + Then who could see without sore shame + JOHN BULL from _his_ plain duty swerving? + + Thirty-three Thousand to the bad, + Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory? + Nay, JOHN, that will _not_ do, my lad; + Next year must tell a different story. + Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say + To such a thing? In racy lingo, + Upon our backs his lash he'd lay, + And give the slothful Britons "stingo." + + Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved, + Our Life-boat rescuers, already. + The seas around our shores they've braved, + With valour prompt and patience steady. + Shall they be floored for _L.S.D._, + Because JOHN BULL his pockets buttons? + Then the old keepers of the Sea + Must be, in pluck, as dead as muttons. + + True, lads, on such a text as this + "We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;" + But were we mute, Neptune would hiss + His sons degenerate off the brine. + Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more! + He's dead, as _Scrooge_ declared old _Marley_. + What then? Wake up, from shore to shore, + And--send your guineas to _Young_ CHARLEY! + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOT!" + + [Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a stolid + but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and Wimbledon, after + the match at the latter place between picked twenties of the + London Scottish and the London Rifle Brigade, won easily by + the former team.] + + Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot, + And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot. + This particular "Saxon" the hump has got, + Being licked by a team which is Picked _and_ Scot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD +COMPANY. + + ["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to which + the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, "could I have + believed that Republican Sailors, that Republican Soldiers, + could have such a bearing."--_Times_. + + "The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, ordered a + temporary relaxation of the measures for the expulsion of the + Jews from Russia."--_Times_.] + +_Autocrat_ (_aside_). "HUMPH! CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY +I LIKE THEIR COSTUMES!"] + + "How happy could I be with either?" + Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say _that_! + Yet here we are, tripping together, + Republics and proud Autocrat! + Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!-- + So satire will say, I've no doubt. + And some will declare it must ruin + The Russdom once ruled by the knout. + I wonder--I very much wonder-- + What NICK to this sight would have said-- + I fear he'd have looked black as thunder, + And savage as RURIC the Red. + For this did we lose the Crimea? + For this did we larrup the Jews? + I really had not an idea + Republics could rule--and amuse. + Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish. + How well Miss COLUMBIA can coax! + The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish, + The Briton will grumble "a hoax." + Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor, + And give shouting Emperors a hint; + I back _La Belle France_. Her betrayer + My meaning must see, plain as print. + My reply to the great Guildhall grumble + Had less of politeness than pith, + But--well I've no wish so to humble + My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH, + Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye, + _Persona gratissima_, he; + And therefore I yield to the Yankee + The boon I refused to J.B. + But yet, all the same, it _is_ funny + To see Three like us in One Boat. + COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey, + Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat. + I never imagined Republics + Could have such a "bearing" as these. + Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks + The comb sweetly filled by the bees, + I list to their flattering-chatter; + Their voices are pleasant--in praise; + But--well, though it seems a small matter, + I _don't_ like that dashed "_Marseillaise_." + And "_Israel in Egypt_" sounds pointed + I'd Pharaoh the miscreants--but stay, + My soliloquy's getting disjointed, + I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay, + _La Belle France_ displays a _grande passion_; + My arms they unitedly press. + One thing though; the Phrygian fashion + Is not _my_ ideal of dress. + They swear that they both love me dearly, + Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!" + They are setting their Caps at me, clearly, + But,--well, _I don't quite like the Caps!_ + + * * * * * + +THE CAPLESS MAID. + + ["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a sort + of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after she + had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."--_Daily Paper_.] + + What shall we do with our Maid? + How shall we treat her best? + Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her hair? + And shall she in silks be drest? + Shall we make her a gift of gold? + Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps. + But whatever we make her, wherever we take her, + We never must make her wear caps. + + Imperious, capless, supreme, + Do just as you please evermore; + And wear what you will, for we shall be + And never complain as before. + We may put all our money in mines, + We may put all our cheese into traps, + But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear, + When we try to put you into caps. + + * * * * * + +THE DIFFERENCE. + + ["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of 1893 + Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in any + electoral contest than he can be in the spring or autumn of + 1892."--_Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next Parliament."_] + + "Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, too, + Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true. + GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's blithe + Because _his_ hopes are centred on Time's _scythe_. + Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous breath + Lives "in the sure and certain hope"--of Death! + + * * * * * + +RESIGNATION. + + "Fire! Fire!" + "Where? where?' + SHAW's resigned. + Then find + Another one! + Many gone? + Fire! Where? + Here's a scare!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS. + +(_Vide "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891._)] + + * * * * * + +UPON A GLOVE. + +(_AFTER THE FASHION--MORE OR LESS--OF HERRICK._) + + Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham, + And Legislative Flam! + Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool + (Both prompt to play the fool, + In free-lance fashion or official form) + Prattled of, 'midst a storm + Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers, + And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"-- + Thou summest well the humbug of our lives. + The fistic "bunch of fives" + Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk" + Shrouded in kid or silk, + But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell," + And SMITH and PRITCHARD--well, + One would not like a clump upon the head + From the teak-noddled "TED," + Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;" + But somehow "bhoys" like them, + Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house," + And only nap "a mouse," + Though one before the end of the third bout + Is clean "knocked out,"-- + Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire, + Who in ten minutes tire, + And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back + To shun the impending thwack,-- + Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf + As venal JULIA's self. + GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt, + And "What _is_ a knock-out?" + _May_ mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much; + But Truth's Ithuriel touch + Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED," + (Of "slightly swollen" head) + As well as unsophisticated COBB, + (If Truth were "on the job,") + Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge," + And Law-evading dodge, + Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery, + Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery, + All the material the Satirist loves, + In those same "four-ounce gloves"! + + * * * * * + +OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY + +AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + +Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain Crosstree, +R.N. + +Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be presented +by Mr. Frederick Locker. + +A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815. + +Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his affianced +bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her lily-white hands +in the nasty pitch and tar." + +Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin Bolt whether +or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet Alice with hair so +brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) gave her a smile, and +trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) frown?" The portrait also of the +aforesaid Alice, evidently rather a weak-minded young person. + +Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of "Black +Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence coloured." + + * * * * * + +WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH. + +In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting reports about +Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express 12·30 from Waterloo, +and go straight away to my terminus, stopping, if I remember rightly, +only twice on the road. First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with +the London and South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the +exception of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton +Water--scent generally lost where water is, I believe--and another +of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran into our quarry at Bournemouth +Station West, in just two hours and a half. [_Happy Thought_.--Lunch +_en route_, between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, +not all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts at +hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, &c., &c.] + +[Illustration: "WELCOME THE COMING--" + +"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only charmed to have +your company."--_Extract from Speech of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to +Un-illustrious Visitor_.] + +Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or Nice, +or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, Monte Carlo, +and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are painted, for +Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week in July) at a +delightfully mean temperature,--if I may be allowed to use the word +"mean" without implying any sort of disrespect for the Bournemouthers. + +Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any previous +occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as at this present +moment. Odd! + +"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association here. All +sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings too." + +If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a night in a +bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called early; then sea-bath; +also man to bring hot water and towels. While speculating on this +probability, we arrive at + +_Royal Bath Hotel_.--Flag flying, showing that British Medical +Association Family are at home. Other flags elsewhere express same +idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of course. Array of servants in +brown liveries and gilt buttons in outer hall, preparing to receive +visitors. Pleasant and courteous Manager--evidently Manager--with +foreign accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" +I ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous +Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive +pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly ladies, +chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, and awaiting +my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be shown up." (_Absit +omen!_) However, I am shown up. Charming room: sea-view, nearly all +the views from the windows of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath +which way you will; and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The +Warm Bath Hotel. + +I am looking for something which has probably been left in the hall. +"Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look round; "where's my +waterproof with two capes? I've missed--er--" I hesitate, being still +uncertain. + +A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He pauses in +his swift career, as if catching my last words. I hear him repeat, +"Missed--er--" and then "Capes." To this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, +I'll tell him," and vanishes. + +"_Tell him?_" Oh, probably he means that he will tell the other +Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double capes. But to make +assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of the stairs and call out, +"Wrapper--with two capes--probably in the hall--don't see it here." +To which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the +Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something inaudible, +finishing with, "up there." + +I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy and +refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have left the +door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof wrapper, I am +turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the old stage-directions +have it, a distinguished-looking gentleman, bearded and moustached, +white-vested, and generally "in full fig."--(_Mem._--Write to _Notes +and Queries, Unde derivatur_--"Full fig?") who advances briskly but +quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made some mistake in the +number of his room. At least, I hope the mistake isn't on _my_ part, +or on the urbane Manager's part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor +bows. I am about to explain that he is in error, and that this is my +room, when he deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; +my name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am sure, +Sir, I am more than delighted to see _you_!" and he proffers his hand, +which I take and shake heartily, at the same time wondering where on +earth we have met before, and why he should be so effusively joyful +at seeing me again. Suddenly, as I release his hand, I see where the +mistake is, and how it has arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls +to my mind that in an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs +to Mr. CAPES,--Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This amiable +gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the Proprietor himself. I +also am delighted. "Very kind of him to take this trouble," I say. + +"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special kindness on his +part. And as to trouble!--well, he scouts that idea with an energetic +wave of his hand. Now, he wants to know, what will I do, where will I +go, what will I take? Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting +in the Town Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests +the considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before +dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have tickets +for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a cigar in the +smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get to bed." + +I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, shall meet +some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him immensely. As a +matter of fact, however, I confide to him that I should prefer keeping +myself quiet this evening, as I have so much to do to-morrow morning. + +"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most sympathetically. +"And you'd like to rest as much as possible to-night after your +journey. You'd like a table to yourself a little later. No--no--no +thanks, I'm only too delighted." + +And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the +hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the Boots, +who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had sent him for, +to point me out to him, and to tell him to order a private table +for me in the _salle à manger_ "at--at?"--he queries--and I reply by +inquiring if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then. +"Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the slightest +difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, "7·45," +whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus 'tis arranged. + +Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. Beautiful air, +not the least enervating. On the contrary, refreshing. Returning +later on to dress, I see the _salle à manger_ full to overflowing. +The Medicals are all feeding well and wisely, as Medicals ought to +do. A pleasant company. Only a few of the younger and idler spirits +remain when I sit down to my dinner about eight. Excellent _cuisine_. +Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole pickles, +beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth beans. For wine, +Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish with Corfe Castle +Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in the sea-garden, or garden +o'erlooking the sea. + +Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as _Lady Macbeth_ +observes. Sensible person, _Lady Mac_. + +On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am alone at +first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical Association has +returned in force. I catch occasional bits in conversation:-- + +"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. Great +pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about MCSIMMUM, all +evidently more or less good, and all interesting. I myself begin to +wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have been an acquisition.) +More medical men of various ages and with variety of spectacles. +All enjoying themselves thoroughly,--quite medical boys out for +a holiday,--but every one of them, individually and collectively, +intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. I hear the voice of +my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will ask Mr. CAPES about this +celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom evidently I ought to know, at least by +repute. Perhaps I have known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a +man with whom I often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the +smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I have +heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't remember. + +Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to everybody. +Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is saying. It is, "My +dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM _is_ here. I've seen him. He dined alone. He +said he preferred it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several +exclaim, "But _where_ is he _now_?" + +"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being tired, +he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. 142, on his +arrival." + +Heavens! The number of my room--is 142! Not another man in _there_! +No.... I see it all now, _I am Dr. MCSIMMUM!_ The real MCSIMMUM hasn't +arrived, and he hasn't sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, +and the absence of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he +arrives now! where shall _I_ be? + +"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming right into +the midst of them. + +To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES says so, but +no one's seen him." + +"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's staying +with some friends a little way out of the town. He has just sent me a +note by hand to say that he won't occupy his room till to-morrow, and +will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will forward by bearer a bag that +was labelled and addressed to the room taken for him here, No. 142." + +[Illustration: "---- Speed the Parting Guest."] + +"But--" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, "but--" + +At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery voice. Saved! +I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN HARTLEY, M.D., who, years +ago, told me there was nothing the matter with me, only I must take a +holiday and go abroad to get better (most excellent advice, and I've +never been quite well since), and who now exclaims, with all his old +breadth of manner, "What _you_ here! Bravo! We'll make you an honorary +member!" + +The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know what is +passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H. +I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, "Thanks; I'm here only for +the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've just come down here to look for a +house. By the way, I rather think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in +my room. Let's see." + +So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations _en route_. Dr. +MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I should say in _his_ room. +But I've got the apartment, and if it hadn't been for the mistake, I +should have been homeless and houseless, and a wanderer on the face +of the sand at Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, +MCSIMMUM, and thank him for not coming to-night. + +As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of the B.M.A. +here assembled, in the smoking-room. The conversation is chiefly +about the use of alcohol and tobacco as poisons. The decision arrived +at towards one o'clock A.M., or, more correctly speaking, the +Inn-decision, is that, on this particular occasion, one glass more of +something or other, and just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly +hurt anybody. This is carried _nem. con._: and so, subsequently, we +adjourn, not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed. + +Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and after +examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up above in +beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank Mr. NORFOLK +CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality shown me in his +exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by the swift 2·5 P.M. +train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to the moment. Of course I +am now expecting my diploma as Honorary Member of the British Medical +Association. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER JUBILEE.--That of the Old Stagers at Canterbury. Free List +entirely suspended at the Theatre, with the exception of just _A Scrap +Of Paper_ in the house. + + * * * * * + +KURDS AND AWAY! + +[Illustration] + + Indignant we spoke out, and any amount + Of strong language we used when we read the account, + And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we heard + Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd. + + We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of life, + We wiped out the insult with war to the knife; + And it only redoubled our anger to read + That the girl--so they said--had abandoned her creed. + + Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't true; + Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to do, + Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's track, + And we wept in our joy when we knew she was back. + + But the wonderful ending remains to be told, + For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold, + And embracing her husband (as is usual with brides) + Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides. + + So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in vain, + We can now feel quite calm and collected again. + At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice, + She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice. + + Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the bride! + Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied! + With all due respect, let us venture to say + That we hope from her Kurd she will not run away! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN. + +Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my time, I have, +but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal the picter as I seed +on the werry larst day of July larst week, when, by such a series +of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, I was priveledged for to +see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE prepare hisself, with his two +lately benighted Sheriffs, in the most scrumptious of their many rich +dresses, and with the solid gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of +GARMANY about a fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from +abroad, all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with +all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson silk +dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town Clarks and +Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing world may see +what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all looked when in their +werry best close, and with their lovely solid gold deckorations on (as +the HEMPERER and the Prince of WALES begged and prayed as they might +have one a-peace) who arranged and carried out the grandest show +of modern times, wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to +Guildhall. Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em +all into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he said, +"Quite steddy, please!" + +[Illustration] + +But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of what I +saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and that was, +to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, beginning with the +Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of poority and his black Cocked +Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly and kindly arranged for him by the +hartistic Sheriff. + +And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord MARE, in all +his glory, retire to the Committee's dressing-room, and there strip +hisself to his werry shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere +hordnary close of common humanety! + +Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool Photygraff, for +I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed Waiter, I saw the grand +pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, and then saw it fade away like a +strawbery hice on a Summer's Day! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.--The French Fleet may depend upon a +courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the "Pink" of +Politeness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY. + +_Miss Grundison, Junior_. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, ALL ALONE IN A +BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO IMPRUDENT OF THEM!" + +_Her Elder Sister_. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE UPSET AND +DROWNED--WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + + ["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has been + a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am thankful to + agree with your Lordship in thinking that the people of this + country will recognise that it has been a Session of hard and + valuable work."--_Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + + Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or DALTON; + As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands first, + His wild watery way never tempted to halt on, + Undaunted by cold as by hunger or thirst. + Nine months in the waves, though, no man may enjoy; + So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the buoy. + + In November last year he first entered the water, + To start on this special, most arduous swim, + It was cold, with the wind in a winterly quarter, + But winds, like the waves, have small terrors for him. + You remember accounts that the papers then gave + (Here's an extract) concerning this King of the Wave. + +"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), started +yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt--the first having been +a failure--to swim from Tithes Pier to Purchase Point Buoy. It was +an unfavourable time of the year for such an unprecedented feat of +natation, but the Hatfield Champion was confident of success. He is a +perfect whale at long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk +of 'twenty years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative +trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF--more commonly known as the +Sanguine Old 'Un--was equally confident. Two boats accompanied the +Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, SMIFF, and in the +other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One thing, indeed, was in the +Hatfield man's favour; his lately cocky and contemptuous competitors +had been 'weeded out' by a fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, +including what SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, +subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' The +Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had become so +thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and disputes between +them and their backers, that there was not a single 'Paddy' prepared +to enter the water when the signal 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, +therefore, had it all to himself; the performance practically resolves +itself into a trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe +Bearer' is the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to +measure himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage +of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short time. +Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will have to +contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly breezes, &c.; the +'flowing tide' will assuredly not always be with him, and before he +gets to the end of his briny journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will +probably have 'had enough of it.'" + + True prognostication! But skilful natation + Despite some "anxiety" and much "fatigue," + Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's elation." + Together they've plodded o'er many a league + Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear! + They were ridden with skill, though regarded with fear. + + "The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and breast-stroke + Alternately serve him; fatigued but unhurt, + Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best stroke!" + Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. "One spurt, + My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis done; + Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've won!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC BIRDS.--M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to sing in Mr. +ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, _The Light of Asia_. Where was +TRA-LA-LARA when _The Light of Asia_ didn't come out? M. MAUREL +seems to have said, that, if the Opera were produced this season, +he'd be blowed if he sang, and the Opera would probably be damned, +theatrically and operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL +of the story. _The Light of Asia_ mustn't be snuffed out altogether, +but it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as +TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time coming, +and good tunes too, we hope. + + * * * * * + +AMENDE HONORABLE.--In making up the list of outside contributors, _Mr. +Punch's_ Private Secretary regrets having omitted the name of JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the Bloomsburians, and the determined +foe of Mud Salad Market and Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the +initials, "HONEST JOHN," will now be satisfied. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + +W.H. SM-TH. "HOORAY!--ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BANK HOLIDAY. + + SCENE--_The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled with a dense + throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat commanding the + most distant view of a Variety Performance on the Great Stage, + has been occupied an hour in advance. The less punctual stand + and enjoy the spectacle of other persons' hats or bonnets. + Gangs of Male and Female Promenaders jostle and hustle to + their hearts' content, or perform the war-song and dance + of the Lower-class 'ARRY, which consists in chanting "Oi + tiddly-oi-toi; hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women + sit on chairs and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy + of young men and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of + love; the first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, + on the part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner + and partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by thumping + him between the shoulders. From time to time, two champions + contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who may usually + be heard bellowing inconsolably in the background. A small + but increasing per-centage have already had as much liquid + refreshment as is good for them, and intend to have more. + Altogether, the scene, if festive, might puzzle an Intelligent + Foreigner who is more familiar with Continental ideas of + enjoyment._ + +_A Damsel_ (_in a ruby plush hat with a mauve feather_). Why, if they +yn't got that bloomin' ole statute down from Charin' Cross! What's +_'e_ doin' of down 'ere, I wonder? + +_Her Swain_ (_whose feather is only pink and white paper_). Doin' of? +Tykin' 's d'y orf--like the rest of us are tykin' it. + +_The Damsel_ (_giggling_). You go on--you don't green _me_ that w'y--a +statute! + +_Swain_. Well, 'yn't this what they call a "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh? + +_Damsel_ (_in high appreciation of his humour_). I'll fetch you _sech_ +a slap in a minnit! 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback. + +_Another Damsel_ (_in a peacock-blue hat with orange pompons_). See +that nekked young man on the big 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the +stand. 'Oo was _'e_?. + +_Alf_. Oh, _I_'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im as invented the Castor +Ile. + +_The Damsel_ (_disgusted_). Fancy their puttin' up a monument to +_'im_! + +_Superior 'Arry_ (_talking Music-halls to his Adored One_). 'Ave you +'eard her sing "_Come where the Booze is Cheapest_"? + +_The Adored_. Lots o' toimes. I _do_ like _'er_ singing. She mykes +sech comical soigns--and then the _things_ she sez! But I've 'eard +she's very common in her tork, and that--_orf_ the styge. + +_The S.A._ I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em _are_ that way. You can't +'ave _everythink_! + +_His Adored_. No, it _is_ a pity, though. 'Spose we go out, and pl'y +Kiss in the Ring? [_They do._ + +AMONG THE ETHNOLOGICAL MODELS. + +_Wife of British Workman_ (_spelling out placard under Hottentot +Group_). "It is extremely probable that this interesting race will be +completely exterminated at no very distant period." Pore things! + +_British Workman_ (_with philosophy_). Well, _I_ shan't go inter +mournin' for 'em, SAIRER! + +[Illustration] + +_Lambeth Larrikin_ (_in a pasteboard "pickelhaube," and a false +nose, thoughtfully, to BATTERSEA BILL, who is wearing an old grey +chimney-pot hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they +contemplate a party of Botocudo natives_). Rum the sights these 'ere +savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, BILL? + +_Batt. Bill_ (_more thoughtfully_). Yer right--but I dessay if you and +me 'ad been born among that lot, _we_ shouldn't care _'ow_ we looked! + +_Vauxhall Voilet_ (_who has exchanged headgear with CHELSEA +CHORLEY--with dismal results_). They _are_ cures those blackies! Why, +yer carn't 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll +be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their myusic. + +_Chelsea Chorley_. Good job we can't _'ear_ 'em. They say as niggers' +music is somethink downright horful. Give us "_Hi-tiddly-hi_" on that +mouth-orgin o' yours, will yer? + + [_VAUXHALL VOILET obliges on that instrument; everyone in + the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt party, + dancing._ + +_A Pimply Youth_. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's the stuff they gits +as stoopid as biled howls on--it's about time we went and did another +beer. [_They retire for that purpose._ + +DURING THE FIREWORKS. + +_Chorus of Spectators_. There's another lot o' bloomin' rockets gowin +orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What a lark if the sticks come down +on somebody's 'ed! There, didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a +shower o' foiry smuts. Lor, so they do--what a fancy you _do_ 'ave, +&c., &c. + +COMING HOME. + +_An Old Gentleman_ (_who has come out with the object of observing +Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to +his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_). +There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins. +Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying +experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying +itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with +marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't +agree with me? + +_His Friend_ (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather +pathetic than-- + +_The O.G._ (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people +putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a +crowd-- + + [_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption + of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._ + +_Man by the Window_. Third-class as good as fust, these days! There's +ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin'! + + [_"OLE FRED" plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin + trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his + stick, as he leans against the door._ + +_Ole Fred_. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and +I ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a +naturally powerful voice._) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was +boys! Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!" + + [_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of + repetition._ + +_The O.G._ Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there +Sir? [_Whimpers from over-tired children._ + +_Ole Fred_ (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! +No matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril +of my moth-ar, (_to O.G._) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I +see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'" + + [_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing + blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._ + +_The O.G._ (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an +infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who-- + +_Old Fred_. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter +from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An' +the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my +double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform, +as train stops_.) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! +hoi-toi-oy!" + + [_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your + eye," &c., and beat time with their boots._ + +_The O.G._. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the +guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this! + +_The Man by the Window_. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough +to 'urt 'im, _'e_ ain't! + +_Chorus of Females_ (_to O.G._). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to +be _ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you +on'y let him alone! + +_Old Fred_ (_to O.G._). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy! +(_Says, dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the +dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless, +I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!" +(_Here he sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently +cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a +rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere +wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the O.G., who +perspires freely_.) Oh, I _am_ enj'yin' myself! [_He keeps up this +agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the +journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite +three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to +Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it +somewhat modifies the O.G.'s enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a +Bank Holiday._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE FORCEPS. + +(_A Dream of the Dentist's Chair._)] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE SQUARE." + + "A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good catch," + So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck. + Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match + Is won by "perpetual cheque." + + * * * * * + +AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION. + +In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly written by +Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in _The Fortnightly_ for this month, the +author quotes a verse from the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he +writes it, "John Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by +that name was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the +best of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the air +of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:-- + + "My name is JIM COLLINS, + 'Ead-vaiter at Limmers', + The corner of Conduck Street, + 'Anover Square. + + "And my hokkipashun + Is sarvin' out liquors + To such sportin' covies + As chance to come _there_." + +This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and the +ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars and extinct +Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and late nights, more of +the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the veneered version for the +drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., M.D. We may be wrong, but--we don't +think we are. + + * * * * * + +AFTER LUNCH. + +_A FANCY SKETCH, COPIED FROM COBB._ + + ["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic drinks + in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and + coffee."--_Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts_.] + + SCENE--_Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2·15 P.M. + Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state + more easily imagined (by Mr. COBB) than described._ + +_Judge_ (_thickly_). What want t'know--what-do-next? (_Smiles._) Very +hot! Very hot indeed! [_Frowns._ + +_First Q.C._ (_rising unsteadily_). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain! Case +of _Brown_-versus-_Smith_, should say--course--_Smith_-versus-_Brown_. +(_Smiles._) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [_Sits down abruptly._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily_). Very irregular this! Commit--contempt--Court! + +_Second Q.C._ (_leaning luxuriously on desk_). P'raps m'Lord let me +explain. Learned friend--drunk! [_Disappears under his seat._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily, to Second Q.C._) So you! so everybody! (_With +maudlin tenderness_.) Must respect Court! (_Savagely._) You are all +disgusting--disgustingly--'tosticated! Adjourn--morrow mornin'. Usher, +brandy sodah! [_Scene closes in--fortunately!_ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night. +Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim +is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a +terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making +the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have +a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly +popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you +don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how +ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts +by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his +grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. +"One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, +said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'" + +[Illustration: "No Hankey-Pankey with me."] + +"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that +becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank. +"Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are +you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the +Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes +across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?" + +That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses. +Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great +advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's +notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse +language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER +was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him +of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing +about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No +you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks. + +[Illustration: THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.] + +"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden +household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in +her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother. +You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and +betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she +had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues, +'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor +master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'" + +So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive +Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time, +startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making +very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was +nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping +up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" +growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; +but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and +Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the +Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old +game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a +_pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace? +Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly +collapsed. + +"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member +to withdraw." + +"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he +dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then, +gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden +household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into +commonplace. + +[Illustration: Nothing if not critical.] + +_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week. + +_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much +pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending +Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind +up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little +variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:-- + + "The best of all ways to shorten our days + Is to steal a few hours from the night." + +"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical. + +"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair +of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line +should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now, +theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations +are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been +said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of +frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what +I'm about, even when quoting poetry." + +Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House +just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on +unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all +satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on +him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In +Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by +£1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee +thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves. +Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat +down, moving reduction in dumb show. + +Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have +given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when +he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing +about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. +_Business done._--Committee of Supply. + +_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to +keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been +a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and +Country kept us here unto this last. + +"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how +you'll get on without me, dear boys." + +"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the +smoke-room for the last cigarette. + +"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the +country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private +feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE, +He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' +like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in +school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't +let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is +precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on +the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires +from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are +quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot +resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to +immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and +---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone +interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.) +"They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the +retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the +Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, +moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench." + +_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up +figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of +AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's +really gone. + +[Illustration: An Idea.] + +_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at +latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting +off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but +House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may +be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved. + +Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with +legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged +a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a +headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the +circumstances. + +"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday, +leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill." + +"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm +which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise +cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for +remaining days of Session. + + * * * * * + +AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY. + +(_THE SONG OF A COMING CELEBRITY._) + + [Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on + retirement of Alderman EVANS.] + + When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day, + Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky GRAY; + To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the Ci-tee, + GRAY was clearly born to be great--and I am he! + I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin; + I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin, + But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be, + For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the Ci-tee! + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--_Legal Fiction._--The Lord Chief Justice +was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange +morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant +criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question +but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this +country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal +Intelligence" is often very defective. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 8, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 26, 2005 [EBook #14808] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 8, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <h2>LARKS FOR LONDONERS.</h2> + + <p>Sir,—Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for + gratuitous concerts and dances! But that's not half enough. + Some of us don't care for dancing, and abhor music. What I + propose is that Free Billiard-tables should be established in + each parish. Billiards is much better exercise than sitting + still on a chair listening to singing. Then there ought to be + places where one could get municipal tobacco without paying for + it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life as + education—more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter + evenings it would also be nice to be able to step over to one's + Town Hall and have a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from + the wood"—also from the rates. I don't pay rates myself, + as I happen to live in a flat, but I am sure the ratepayers + will immediately recognise the justice of my demands.</p> + + <p class="author">UNBIASSED.</p> + + <p>Sir,—By all means let us try to give more pleasure to + the people. The pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly + elevating kind. I would advocate throwing open the South + Kensington Natural History Museum in the evening. This would be + most useful, especially to people living at the East End, and + the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not rollicking, + would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable + characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not + produce his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from + the clergyman of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I + am sure that people would jump at a chance of an evening among + the <i>Coleoptera</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, NATURALIST.</p> + + <p>Sir,—I cannot understand why people should ask for + more amusement than they get at present. Have not they the + Parks to walk about in? In wet weather they can take shelter + under trees. In winter they ought to stay at home in the + evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their families. I would + even go so far as to allow an occasional game at draughts. + Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of the + question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously + inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I + throw out these observations for what they may be worth, and + trusting that they will not be regarded as dangerously + subversive of morality, I remain,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME!</p> + + <p>Sir,—The movement for turning our Town Halls into + places of amusement is an excellent one. What I would like to + suggest is, that the Vestrymen should themselves take part in + the entertainments. Why not have weekly theatrical + performances, with parts found for all local Authorities? I + feel convinced that <i>Hamlet</i>, played by our Vestry, would + be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play the + <i>Ghost</i>, while minor characters could be sustained by the + Medical Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and + others; the Chairman, of course, would figure in the title + <i>rôle</i>. A topical comic song, by the Board of Guardians, + with breakdown, might serve as a pleasing interlude; breakdowns + in local matters are, I believe, not unknown already. The idea + is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen owe something to + the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, MERRY ANDREW.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.—A "Champion" pugilist is even + more presumptuous than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a + Thousand Guineas a 'Box.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AFTER THE SEASON.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Proposal Fin de Siècle.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! since the Season is over,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah me, but its moments were sweet!</p> + + <p>You are oft', <i>viâ</i> Folkestone or Dover,</p> + + <p class="i2">To some Continental retreat.</p> + + <p>On Frenchman and German you'll lavish</p> + + <p class="i2">The smiles that can madden me still;</p> + + <p>While I, with the gillie McTavish,</p> + + <p class="i2">Am breasting the heather-clad hill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, do you remember the dances,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dearest were those we sat out,</p> + + <p>How I frowned when detecting your glances</p> + + <p class="i2">On others, which caused you to pout?</p> + + <p>You are changeful and coy and capricious,</p> + + <p class="i2">A weathercock easily blown;</p> + + <p>But when shall I hear the delicious</p> + + <p class="i2">One word that proclaims you my own?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They say that an eloquent passion</p> + + <p class="i2">Has long become quite out of date,</p> + + <p>That true love is never the fashion,</p> + + <p class="i2">And marriage a wearisome state.</p> + + <p>They conjure up many a bogie,</p> + + <p class="i2">To guard a man's bachelor life,</p> + + <p>And keep him a selfish old fogey,</p> + + <p class="i2">And stop him from taking a wife.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They vow that a wife needs a carriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And opera-boxes and stalls,</p> + + <p>That money's the one thing in marriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cheques are as common as calls.</p> + + <p>They say women shy (like some horses)</p> + + <p class="i2">At vows made to love and obey;</p> + + <p>They tell you drear tales of divorces,</p> + + <p class="i2">And scandals, the talk of the day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But hang all those cynical railings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just write me one exquisite line</p> + + <p>To say you'll look over my failings,</p> + + <p class="i2">And promise me you will be mine.</p> + + <p>And though I'm aware it's the merest</p> + + <p class="i2">Small matter of detail, to clear</p> + + <p>The ground, I may mention, my dearest,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've full thirty thousand a year.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.—Last Friday His Honour Judge + BACON had to decide a case which was headed in the papers + "Cagliostromantheon." What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, + who was a fair defendant, won the case; and His + Honour—this appeal having been made to His Honour by Mr. + B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the + stage, but especially for one described as "an + actor,"—decided that His Honour was satisfied. Peace with + His Honour!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By "A Cambridge Parson</i>.")</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the + policy of 'Dishing.'"—<i>Sir W. Harcourt</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hey diddle diddle,</p> + + <p>The voters we'd fiddle</p> + + <p class="i2">With Free Education—that + "boon."</p> + + <p>But Wisbech birds laugh</p> + + <p>At such plain party "chaff,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And the "Dish"—at the + polls—proves a "Spoon."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER.</h3> + + <p>Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a + digest of the news generally, for my power to digest is already + becoming seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches + in <i>Macbeth</i> (I think it's the Witches, but haven't my + <i>Shakspeare</i> handy, I mean my <i>Handy Shakspeare</i>, + with me—wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my Pilgrim's + Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN!</h3> + + <h4><i>A Lay for the Lifeboat Service.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal + National Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in + dire financial straits," the deficit for last year being + £33,000. Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully + received by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, + St. John Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more,"</p> + + <p class="i2">As DIBDIN's Monument informs us;</p> + + <p>But memory of the man who bore</p> + + <p class="i2">That honoured name still stirs and warms + us.</p> + + <p>And here's another of his name,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who still the British Sailor's + serving;</p> + + <p>Then who could see without sore shame</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHN BULL from <i>his</i> plain duty + swerving?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-three Thousand to the bad,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory?</p> + + <p>Nay, JOHN, that will <i>not</i> do, my lad;</p> + + <p class="i2">Next year must tell a different + story.</p> + + <p>Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say</p> + + <p class="i2">To such a thing? In racy lingo,</p> + + <p>Upon our backs his lash he'd lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give the slothful Britons + "stingo."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Life-boat rescuers, already.</p> + + <p>The seas around our shores they've braved,</p> + + <p class="i2">With valour prompt and patience + steady.</p> + + <p>Shall they be floored for <i>L.S.D.</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because JOHN BULL his pockets + buttons?</p> + + <p>Then the old keepers of the Sea</p> + + <p class="i2">Must be, in pluck, as dead as + muttons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True, lads, on such a text as this</p> + + <p class="i2">"We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;"</p> + + <p>But were we mute, Neptune would hiss</p> + + <p class="i2">His sons degenerate off the brine.</p> + + <p>Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more!</p> + + <p class="i2">He's dead, as <i>Scrooge</i> declared old + <i>Marley</i>.</p> + + <p>What then? Wake up, from shore to shore,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—send your guineas to + <i>Young</i> CHARLEY!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Great Scot!"</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a + stolid but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and + Wimbledon, after the match at the latter place between + picked twenties of the London Scottish and the London Rifle + Brigade, won easily by the former team.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot,</p> + + <p>And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot.</p> + + <p>This particular "Saxon" the hump has got,</p> + + <p>Being licked by a team which is Picked <i>and</i> + Scot.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD COMPANY." /> + </a> + + <h3>SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD + COMPANY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to + which the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, + "could I have believed that Republican Sailors, that + Republican Soldiers, could have such a + bearing."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, + ordered a temporary relaxation of the measures for the + expulsion of the Jews from + Russia."—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><i>Autocrat</i> (<i>aside</i>). "HUMPH! + CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY I LIKE THEIR + COSTUMES!" + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How happy could I be with either?"</p> + + <p class="i2">Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p>Yet here we are, tripping together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics and proud Autocrat!</p> + + <p>Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!—</p> + + <p class="i2">So satire will say, I've no doubt.</p> + + <p>And some will declare it must ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">The Russdom once ruled by the knout.</p> + + <p>I wonder—I very much wonder—</p> + + <p class="i2">What NICK to this sight would have + said—</p> + + <p>I fear he'd have looked black as thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">And savage as RURIC the Red.</p> + + <p>For this did we lose the Crimea?</p> + + <p class="i2">For this did we larrup the Jews?</p> + + <p>I really had not an idea</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics could rule—and amuse.</p> + + <p>Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish.</p> + + <p class="i2">How well Miss COLUMBIA can + coax!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <p>The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Briton will grumble "a hoax."</p> + + <p>Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give shouting Emperors a hint;</p> + + <p>I back <i>La Belle France</i>. Her betrayer</p> + + <p class="i2">My meaning must see, plain as print.</p> + + <p>My reply to the great Guildhall grumble</p> + + <p class="i2">Had less of politeness than pith,</p> + + <p>But—well I've no wish so to humble</p> + + <p class="i2">My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH,</p> + + <p>Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Persona gratissima</i>, he;</p> + + <p>And therefore I yield to the Yankee</p> + + <p class="i2">The boon I refused to J.B.</p> + + <p>But yet, all the same, it <i>is</i> funny</p> + + <p class="i2">To see Three like us in One Boat.</p> + + <p>COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat.</p> + + <p>I never imagined Republics</p> + + <p class="i2">Could have such a "bearing" as these.</p> + + <p>Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks</p> + + <p class="i2">The comb sweetly filled by the bees,</p> + + <p>I list to their flattering-chatter;</p> + + <p class="i2">Their voices are pleasant—in + praise;</p> + + <p>But—well, though it seems a small matter,</p> + + <p class="i2">I <i>don't</i> like that dashed + "<i>Marseillaise</i>."</p> + + <p>And "<i>Israel in Egypt</i>" sounds pointed</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd Pharaoh the miscreants—but + stay,</p> + + <p>My soliloquy's getting disjointed,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay,</p> + + <p><i>La Belle France</i> displays a <i>grande + passion</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">My arms they unitedly press.</p> + + <p>One thing though; the Phrygian fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not <i>my</i> ideal of dress.</p> + + <p>They swear that they both love me dearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!"</p> + + <p>They are setting their Caps at me, clearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">But,—well, <i>I don't quite like + the Caps!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CAPLESS MAID.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a + sort of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after + she had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">What shall we do with our Maid?</p> + + <p class="i4">How shall we treat her best?</p> + + <p>Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her + hair?</p> + + <p class="i4">And shall she in silks be drest?</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall we make her a gift of gold?</p> + + <p class="i4">Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps.</p> + + <p>But whatever we make her, wherever we take her,</p> + + <p class="i4">We never must make her wear caps.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Imperious, capless, supreme,</p> + + <p class="i4">Do just as you please evermore;</p> + + <p>And wear what you will, for we shall be</p> + + <p class="i4">And never complain as before.</p> + + <p class="i2">We may put all our money in mines,</p> + + <p class="i4">We may put all our cheese into traps,</p> + + <p>But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear,</p> + + <p class="i4">When we try to put you into caps.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of + 1893 Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in + any electoral contest than he can be in the spring or + autumn of 1892."—<i>Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next + Parliament."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, + too,</p> + + <p>Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true.</p> + + <p>GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's + blithe</p> + + <p>Because <i>his</i> hopes are centred on Time's + <i>scythe</i>.</p> + + <p>Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous + breath</p> + + <p>Lives "in the sure and certain hope"—of + Death!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Resignation.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fire! Fire!"</p> + + <p>"Where? where?'</p> + + <p>SHAW's resigned.</p> + + <p>Then find</p> + + <p>Another one!</p> + + <p>Many gone?</p> + + <p>Fire! Where?</p> + + <p>Here's a scare!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS." /></a> + + <h3>A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS.</h3>(<i>Vide + "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>UPON A GLOVE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After the fashion—more or less—of + Herrick.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham,</p> + + <p class="i4">And Legislative Flam!</p> + + <p>Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool</p> + + <p class="i4">(Both prompt to play the fool,</p> + + <p>In free-lance fashion or official form)</p> + + <p class="i4">Prattled of, 'midst a storm</p> + + <p>Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers,</p> + + <p class="i4">And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"—</p> + + <p>Thou summest well the humbug of our lives.</p> + + <p class="i4">The fistic "bunch of fives"</p> + + <p>Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk"</p> + + <p class="i4">Shrouded in kid or silk,</p> + + <p>But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And SMITH and PRITCHARD—well,</p> + + <p>One would not like a clump upon the head</p> + + <p class="i4">From the teak-noddled "TED,"</p> + + <p>Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;"</p> + + <p class="i4">But somehow "bhoys" like them,</p> + + <p>Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And only nap "a mouse,"</p> + + <p>Though one before the end of the third bout</p> + + <p class="i4">Is clean "knocked out,"—</p> + + <p>Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire,</p> + + <p class="i4">Who in ten minutes tire,</p> + + <p>And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back</p> + + <p class="i4">To shun the impending thwack,—</p> + + <p>Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf</p> + + <p class="i4">As venal JULIA's self.</p> + + <p>GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt,</p> + + <p class="i4">And "What <i>is</i> a knock-out?"</p> + + <p><i>May</i> mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much;</p> + + <p class="i4">But Truth's Ithuriel touch</p> + + <p>Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED,"</p> + + <p class="i4">(Of "slightly swollen" head)</p> + + <p>As well as unsophisticated COBB,</p> + + <p class="i4">(If Truth were "on the job,")</p> + + <p>Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And Law-evading dodge,</p> + + <p>Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery,</p> + + <p class="i4">Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery,</p> + + <p>All the material the Satirist loves,</p> + + <p class="i4">In those same "four-ounce gloves"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY</h3> + + <h4>AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <p>Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain + Crosstree, R.N.</p> + + <p>Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be + presented by Mr. Frederick Locker.</p> + + <p>A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815.</p> + + <p>Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his + affianced bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her + lily-white hands in the nasty pitch and tar."</p> + + <p>Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin + Bolt whether or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet + Alice with hair so brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) + gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) + frown?" The portrait also of the aforesaid Alice, evidently + rather a weak-minded young person.</p> + + <p>Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of + "Black Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence + coloured."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH.</h2> + + <p>In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting + reports about Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express + 12·30 from Waterloo, and go straight away to my terminus, + stopping, if I remember rightly, only twice on the road. + First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with the London and + South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the exception + of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton + Water—scent generally lost where water is, I + believe—and another of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran + into our quarry at Bournemouth Station West, in just two hours + and a half. [<i>Happy Thought</i>.—Lunch <i>en route</i>, + between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, not + all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts + at hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, + &c., &c.]</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'WELCOME THE COMING—'" /></a>"WELCOME THE + COMING—" + + <p>"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only + charmed to have your company."—<i>Extract from Speech + of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to Un-illustrious + Visitor</i>.</p> + </div> + + <p>Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or + Nice, or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, + Monte Carlo, and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are + painted, for Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week + in July) at a delightfully mean temperature,—if I may be + allowed to use the word "mean" without implying any sort of + disrespect for the Bournemouthers.</p> + + <p>Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any + previous occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as + at this present moment. Odd!</p> + + <p>"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association + here. All sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings + too."</p> + + <p>If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a + night in a bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called + early; then sea-bath; also man to bring hot water and towels. + While speculating on this probability, we arrive at</p> + + <p><i>Royal Bath Hotel</i>.—Flag flying, showing that + British Medical Association Family are at home. Other flags + elsewhere express same idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of + course. Array of servants in brown liveries and gilt buttons in + outer hall, preparing to receive visitors. Pleasant and + courteous Manager—evidently Manager—with foreign + accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" I + ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous + Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive + pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly + ladies, chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, + and awaiting my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be + shown up." (<i>Absit omen!</i>) However, I am shown up. + Charming room: sea-view, nearly all the views from the windows + of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath which way you will; + and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The Warm Bath + Hotel.</p> + + <p>I am looking for something which has probably been left in + the hall. "Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look + round; "where's my waterproof with two capes? I've + missed—er—" I hesitate, being still uncertain.</p> + + <p>A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He + pauses in his swift career, as if catching my last words. I + hear him repeat, "Missed—er—" and then "Capes." To + this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, I'll tell him," and + vanishes.</p> + + <p>"<i>Tell him?</i>" Oh, probably he means that he will tell + the other Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double + capes. But to make assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of + the stairs and call out, "Wrapper—with two + capes—probably in the hall—don't see it here." To + which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the + Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something + inaudible, finishing with, "up there."</p> + + <p>I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy + and refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have + left the door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof + wrapper, I am turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the + old stage-directions have it, a distinguished-looking + gentleman, bearded and moustached, white-vested, and generally + "in full fig."—(<i>Mem.</i>—Write to <i>Notes and + Queries, Unde derivatur</i>—"Full fig?") who advances + briskly but quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made + some mistake in the number of his room. At least, I hope the + mistake isn't on <i>my</i> part, or on the urbane Manager's + part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor bows. I am about to + explain that he is in error, and that this is my room, when he + deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; my + name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am + sure, Sir, I am more than delighted to see <i>you</i>!" and he + proffers his hand, which I take and shake heartily, at the same + time wondering where on earth we have met before, and why he + should be so effusively joyful at seeing me again. Suddenly, as + I release his hand, I see where the mistake is, and how it has + arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls to my mind that in + an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs to Mr. + CAPES,—Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This + amiable gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the + Proprietor himself. I also am delighted. "Very kind of him to + take this trouble," I say.</p> + + <p>"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special + kindness on his part. And as to trouble!—well, he scouts + that idea with an energetic wave of his hand. Now, he wants to + know, what will I do, where will I go, what will I take? + Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting in the Town + Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests the + considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before + dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have + tickets for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a + cigar in the smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get + to bed."</p> + + <p>I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, + shall meet some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him + immensely. As a matter of fact, however, I confide to him that + I should prefer keeping myself quiet this evening, as I have so + much to do to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p>"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most + sympathetically. "And you'd like to rest as much as possible + to-night after your journey. You'd like a table to yourself a + little later. No—no—no thanks, I'm only too + delighted."</p> + + <p>And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the + hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the + Boots, who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had + sent him for, to point me out to him, and to tell him to order + a private table for me in the <i>salle à manger</i> + "at—at?"—he queries—and I reply by inquiring + if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then. + "Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the + slightest difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, + "7·45," whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus + 'tis arranged.</p> + + <p>Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. + Beautiful air, not the least enervating. On the contrary, + refreshing. Returning later on to dress, I see the <i>salle à + manger</i> full to overflowing. The Medicals are all feeding + well and wisely, as Medicals ought to do. A pleasant company. + Only a few of the younger and idler spirits remain when I sit + down to my dinner about eight. Excellent <i>cuisine</i>. + Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole + pickles, beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth + beans. For wine, Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish + with Corfe Castle Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in + the sea-garden, or garden o'erlooking the sea.</p> + + <p>Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as <i>Lady + Macbeth</i> observes. Sensible person, <i>Lady Mac</i>.</p> + + <p>On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am + alone at first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical + Association has returned in force. I catch occasional bits in + conversation:—</p> + + <p>"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. + Great pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about + MCSIMMUM, all evidently more or less good, and all interesting. + I myself begin to wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have + been an acquisition.) More medical men of various ages and with + variety of spectacles. All enjoying themselves + thoroughly,—quite medical boys out for a + holiday,—but every one of them, individually and + collectively, intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. + I hear the voice of my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will + ask Mr. CAPES about this celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom + evidently I ought to know, at least by repute. Perhaps I have + known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a man with whom I + often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the + smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I + have heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't + remember.</p> + + <p>Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to + everybody. Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is + saying. It is, "My dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM <i>is</i> here. I've + seen him. He dined <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> alone. He said he preferred + it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several + exclaim, "But <i>where</i> is he <i>now</i>?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being + tired, he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. + 142, on his arrival."</p> + + <p>Heavens! The number of my room—is 142! Not another man + in <i>there</i>! No.... I see it all now, <i>I am Dr. + MCSIMMUM!</i> The real MCSIMMUM hasn't arrived, and he hasn't + sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, and the absence + of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he arrives now! + where shall <i>I</i> be?</p> + + <p>"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming + right into the midst of them.</p> + + <p>To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES + says so, but no one's seen him."</p> + + <p>"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's + staying with some friends a little way out of the town. He has + just sent me a note by hand to say that he won't occupy his + room till to-morrow, and will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will + forward by bearer a bag that was labelled and addressed to the + room taken for him here, No. 142."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/65-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-1.png" + alt="'—— Speed the Parting Guest.'" /> + </a>"—— Speed the Parting Guest." + </div> + + <p>"But—" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, + "but—"</p> + + <p>At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery + voice. Saved! I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN + HARTLEY, M.D., who, years ago, told me there was nothing the + matter with me, only I must take a holiday and go abroad to get + better (most excellent advice, and I've never been quite well + since), and who now exclaims, with all his old breadth of + manner, "What <i>you</i> here! Bravo! We'll make you an + honorary member!"</p> + + <p>The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know + what is passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. + and P.R.B.H. I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, + "Thanks; I'm here only for the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've + just come down here to look for a house. By the way, I rather + think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in my room. Let's + see."</p> + + <p>So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations <i>en + route</i>. Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I + should say in <i>his</i> room. But I've got the apartment, and + if it hadn't been for the mistake, I should have been homeless + and houseless, and a wanderer on the face of the sand at + Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, MCSIMMUM, + and thank him for not coming to-night.</p> + + <p>As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of + the B.M.A. here assembled, in the smoking-room. The + conversation is chiefly about the use of alcohol and tobacco as + poisons. The decision arrived at towards one o'clock A.M., or, + more correctly speaking, the Inn-decision, is that, on this + particular occasion, one glass more of something or other, and + just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly hurt anybody. This + is carried <i>nem. con.</i>: and so, subsequently, we adjourn, + not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed.</p> + + <p>Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and + after examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up + above in beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank + Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality + shown me in his exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by + the swift 2·5 P.M. train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to + the moment. Of course I am now expecting my diploma as Honorary + Member of the British Medical Association.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER JUBILEE.—That of the Old Stagers at + Canterbury. Free List entirely suspended at the Theatre, with + the exception of just <i>A Scrap Of Paper</i> in the house.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>KURDS AND AWAY!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/65-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Indignant we spoke out, and any amount</p> + + <p>Of strong language we used when we read the + account,</p> + + <p>And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we + heard</p> + + <p>Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of + life,</p> + + <p>We wiped out the insult with war to the knife;</p> + + <p>And it only redoubled our anger to read</p> + + <p>That the girl—so they said—had abandoned + her creed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't + true;</p> + + <p>Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to + do,</p> + + <p>Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's + track,</p> + + <p>And we wept in our joy when we knew she was + back.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the wonderful ending remains to be told,</p> + + <p>For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold,</p> + + <p>And embracing her husband (as is usual with + brides)</p> + + <p>Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in + vain,</p> + + <p>We can now feel quite calm and collected again.</p> + + <p>At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice,</p> + + <p>She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the + bride!</p> + + <p>Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied!</p> + + <p>With all due respect, let us venture to say</p> + + <p>That we hope from her Kurd she will not run + away!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN.</h2> + + <p>Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my + time, I have, but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal + the picter as I seed on the werry larst day of July larst week, + when, by such a series of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, + I was priveledged for to see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE + prepare hisself, with his two lately benighted Sheriffs, in the + most scrumptious of their many rich dresses, and with the solid + gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of GARMANY about a + fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from abroad, + all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with + all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson + silk dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town + Clarks and Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing + world may see what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all + looked when in their werry best close, and with their lovely + solid gold deckorations on (as the HEMPERER and the Prince of + WALES begged and prayed as they might have one a-peace) who + arranged and carried out the grandest show of modern times, + wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to Guildhall. + Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em all + into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he + said, "Quite steddy, please!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:21%;"> + <a href="images/65-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of + what I saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and + that was, to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, + beginning with the Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of + poority and his black Cocked Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly + and kindly arranged for him by the hartistic Sheriff.</p> + + <p>And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord + MARE, in all his glory, retire to the Committee's + dressing-room, and there strip hisself to his werry + shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere hordnary close of + common humanety!</p> + + <p>Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool + Photygraff, for I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed + Waiter, I saw the grand pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, + and then saw it fade away like a strawbery hice on a Summer's + Day!</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.—The French Fleet may + depend upon a courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who + is the "Pink" of Politeness.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY." /></a> + + <h3>THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Grundison, Junior</i>. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, + ALL ALONE IN A BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO + IMPRUDENT OF THEM!"</p> + + <p><i>Her Elder Sister</i>. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE + UPSET AND DROWNED—WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has + been a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am + thankful to agree with your Lordship in thinking that the + people of this country will recognise that it has been a + Session of hard and valuable work."—<i>Lord Salisbury + at the Mansion House</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or + DALTON;</p> + + <p class="i2">As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands + first,</p> + + <p>His wild watery way never tempted to halt on,</p> + + <p class="i2">Undaunted by cold as by hunger or + thirst.</p> + + <p>Nine months in the waves, though, no man may + enjoy;</p> + + <p>So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the + buoy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In November last year he first entered the + water,</p> + + <p class="i2">To start on this special, most arduous + swim,</p> + + <p>It was cold, with the wind in a winterly + quarter,</p> + + <p class="i2">But winds, like the waves, have small + terrors for him.</p> + + <p>You remember accounts that the papers then gave</p> + + <p>(Here's an extract) concerning this King of the + Wave.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), + started yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt—the + first having been a failure—to swim from Tithes Pier to + Purchase Point Buoy. It was an unfavourable time of the year + for such an unprecedented feat of natation, but the Hatfield + Champion was confident of success. He is a perfect whale at + long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk of 'twenty + years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative + trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF—more commonly known + as the Sanguine Old 'Un—was equally confident. Two boats + accompanied the Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, + SMIFF, and in the other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One + thing, indeed, was in the Hatfield man's favour; his lately + cocky and contemptuous competitors had been 'weeded out' by a + fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, including what + SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, + subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' + The Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had + become so thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and + disputes between them and their backers, that there was not a + single 'Paddy' prepared to enter the water when the signal + 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, therefore, had it all to + himself; the performance practically resolves itself into a + trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe Bearer' is + the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to measure + himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage + of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short + time. Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will + have to contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly + breezes, &c.; the 'flowing tide' will assuredly not always + be with him, and before he gets to the end of his briny + journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will probably have 'had + enough of it.'"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True prognostication! But skilful natation</p> + + <p class="i2">Despite some "anxiety" and much + "fatigue,"</p> + + <p>Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's + elation."</p> + + <p class="i2">Together they've plodded o'er many a + league</p> + + <p>Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear!</p> + + <p>They were ridden with skill, though regarded with + fear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and + breast-stroke</p> + + <p class="i2">Alternately serve him; fatigued but + unhurt,</p> + + <p>Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best + stroke!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. + "One spurt,</p> + + <p>My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis + done;</p> + + <p>Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've + won!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OPERATIC BIRDS.—M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to + sing in Mr. ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, <i>The Light of + Asia</i>. Where was TRA-LA-LARA when <i>The Light of Asia</i> + didn't come out? M. MAUREL seems to have said, that, if the + Opera were produced this season, he'd be blowed if he sang, and + the Opera would probably be damned, theatrically and + operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL of the story. + <i>The Light of Asia</i> mustn't be snuffed out altogether, but + it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as + TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time + coming, and good tunes too, we hope.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AMENDE HONORABLE.—In making up the list of outside + contributors, <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Private Secretary regrets + having omitted the name of JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the + Bloomsburians, and the determined foe of Mud Salad Market and + Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the initials, "HONEST + JOHN," will now be satisfied.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="'A LONG DISTANCE SWIM.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h3>W.H. SM-TH. + "HOORAY!—ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BANK HOLIDAY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled + with a dense throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat + commanding the most distant view of a Variety Performance + on the Great Stage, has been occupied an hour in advance. + The less punctual stand and enjoy the spectacle of other + persons' hats or bonnets. Gangs of Male and Female + Promenaders jostle and hustle to their hearts' content, or + perform the war-song and dance of the Lower-class</i> + 'ARRY, <i>which consists in chanting "Oi tiddly-oi-toi; + hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women sit on chairs + and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy of young men + and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of love; the + first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, on the + part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner and + partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by + thumping him between the shoulders. From time to time, two + champions contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who + may usually be heard bellowing inconsolably in the + background. A small but increasing per-centage have already + had as much liquid refreshment as is good for them, and + intend to have more. Altogether, the scene, if festive, + might puzzle an Intelligent Foreigner who is more familiar + with Continental ideas of enjoyment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Damsel</i> (<i>in a ruby plush hat with a mauve + feather</i>). Why, if they yn't got that bloomin' ole + statute down from Charin' Cross! What's <i>'e</i> doin' of + down 'ere, I wonder?</p> + + <p><i>Her Swain</i> (<i>whose feather is only pink and + white paper</i>). Doin' of? Tykin' 's d'y orf—like + the rest of us are tykin' it.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>giggling</i>). You go on—you + don't green <i>me</i> that w'y—a statute!</p> + + <p><i>Swain</i>. Well, 'yn't this what they call a + "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Damsel</i> (<i>in high appreciation of his + humour</i>). I'll fetch you <i>sech</i> a slap in a minnit! + 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback.</p> + + <p><i>Another Damsel</i> (<i>in a peacock-blue hat with + orange pompons</i>). See that nekked young man on the big + 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the stand. 'Oo was + <i>'e</i>?.</p> + + <p><i>Alf</i>. Oh, <i>I</i>'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im + as invented the Castor Ile.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>disgusted</i>). Fancy their + puttin' up a monument to <i>'im</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Superior 'Arry</i> (<i>talking Music-halls to his + Adored One</i>). 'Ave you 'eard her sing "<i>Come where the + Booze is Cheapest</i>"?</p> + + <p><i>The Adored</i>. Lots o' toimes. I <i>do</i> like + <i>'er</i> singing. She mykes sech comical soigns—and + then the <i>things</i> she sez! But I've 'eard she's very + common in her tork, and that—<i>orf</i> the + styge.</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em + <i>are</i> that way. You can't 'ave <i>everythink</i>!</p> + + <p><i>His Adored</i>. No, it <i>is</i> a pity, though. + 'Spose we go out, and pl'y Kiss in the Ring? [<i>They + do.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Among the Ethnological Models.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Wife of British Workman</i> (<i>spelling out placard + under Hottentot Group</i>). "It is extremely probable that + this interesting race will be completely exterminated at no + very distant period." Pore things!</p> + + <p><i>British Workman</i> (<i>with philosophy</i>). Well, + <i>I</i> shan't go inter mournin' for 'em, SAIRER!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Lambeth Larrikin</i> (<i>in a pasteboard + "pickelhaube," and a false nose, thoughtfully, to</i> + BATTERSEA BILL, <i>who is wearing an old grey chimney-pot + hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they + contemplate a party of Botocudo natives</i>). Rum the + sights these 'ere savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, + BILL?</p> + + <p><i>Batt. Bill</i> (<i>more thoughtfully</i>). Yer + right—but I dessay if you and me 'ad been born among + that lot, <i>we</i> shouldn't care <i>'ow</i> we + looked!</p> + + <p><i>Vauxhall Voilet</i> (<i>who has exchanged headgear + with</i> CHELSEA CHORLEY—<i>with dismal results</i>). + They <i>are</i> cures those blackies! Why, yer carn't + 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll + be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their + myusic.</p> + + <p><i>Chelsea Chorley</i>. Good job we can't <i>'ear</i> + 'em. They say as niggers' music is somethink downright + horful. Give us "<i>Hi-tiddly-hi</i>" on that mouth-orgin + o' yours, will yer?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[VAUXHALL VOILET <i>obliges on that instrument; everyone + in the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt + party, dancing.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Pimply Youth</i>. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's + the stuff they gits as stoopid as biled howls on—it's + about time we went and did another beer. [<i>They retire + for that purpose.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">During the Fireworks.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Chorus of Spectators</i>. There's another lot o' + bloomin' rockets gowin orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What + a lark if the sticks come down on somebody's 'ed! There, + didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a shower o' foiry + smuts. Lor, so they do—what a fancy you <i>do</i> + 'ave, &c., &c.</p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Coming Home.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Old Gentleman</i> (<i>who has come out with the + object of observing Bank Holiday manners—which he has + done from a respectful distance—to his friend, as + they settle down in an empty first-class compartment</i>). + There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the + crush begins. Now, to <i>me</i>, y'know, this has been a + most interesting and gratifying experience—wonderful + spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying itself in its + own way—boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, + with marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to + see—but you don't agree with me?</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i> (<i>reluctantly</i>). Well, I must say + it struck me as rather pathetic than—</p> + + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>testily</i>). Pathetic, + Sir—nonsense! I like to see people putting their + <i>heart</i> into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a + crowd—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden + irruption of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the + compartment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Man by the Window</i>. Third-class as good as fust, + these days! There's ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole + son—room for one more standin'!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>["OLE FRED" <i>plays himself in with a triumphal blast + on a tin trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof + with his stick, as he leans against the door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Ole Fred</i>. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one + on the jaw, and I ain't seen 'im since! (<i>Sings, + sentimentally, at the top of a naturally powerful + voice</i>.) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was boys! + Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each + hother's—beer!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A "paraprosdokian," which delights him + to the point of repetition.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> Might I ask you to make a little less + disturbance there Sir? [<i>Whimpers from over-tired + children.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ole Fred</i> (<i>roaring</i>). "I'm jolly as a + Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! No matter what I see or 'ear, + I larf at heverything! I'm the morril of my moth-ar, + (<i>to</i> O.G.) the himage of <i>your</i> Par! And + heverythink I see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He laughs "Ar-har," after which he + gives a piercing blast upon the trumpet, with stick + obbligato on the roof.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>roused</i>). I really <i>must</i> + beg you not to be such an infernal nuisance! There are + women and children here who—</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i>. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! + (<i>Screams of laughter from women and children, which + encourage him to sing again.</i>) "An' the roof is + copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my + double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (<i>To people on + platform, as train stops.</i>) <i>Come</i> in, oh, lor, + <i>do</i>! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! hoi-toi-oy!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The rest take up the refrain—"'Ave a + drink an' wet your eye," &c., and beat time with + their boots.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i>. If this abominable noise goes on, I + shall call the guard—disgraceful, coming in drunk + like this!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <p><i>The Man by the Window</i>. 'Ere, dry up, + Guv'nor—<i>'e</i> ain't 'ad enough to 'urt 'im, + <i>'e</i> ain't!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Females</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). An' Bank + 'Oliday, too—you orter to be <i>ashimed</i> o' + yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you on'y let + him alone!</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). Ga-arn, yer + pore-'arted ole choiner boy! (<i>Says, dismally</i>), "Ow! + for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the dyes gorn boy! + Ow! for the"—(<i>changing the + melody</i>)—"'omeless, I wander in lonely distress. + No one ter pity me—none ter caress!" (<i>Here he + sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently + cheers up.</i>) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome + toight! I'm a rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a + foight." Any man 'ere wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole + Frecklefoot! (<i>To the</i> O.G., <i>who perspires + freely.</i>) Oh, I <i>am</i> enj'yin' myself! [<i>He keeps + up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the + remainder of the journey, which—as the train stops + everywhere, and takes quite three-quarters of an hour in + getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to + Victoria—affords a signal proof of his social + resources, though it somewhat modifies the</i> O.G.'s + <i>enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a Bank + Holiday.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/70-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-1.png" + alt="THE FESTIVE FORCEPS." /></a> + + <h3>THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.</h3>(<i>A Dream of the Dentist's + Chair.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"On the Square."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good + catch,"</p> + + <p class="i2">So lisp rosy lips that romance little + reck.</p> + + <p>Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match</p> + + <p class="i2">Is won by "perpetual cheque."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION.</h3> + + <p>In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly + written by Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in <i>The + Fortnightly</i> for this month, the author quotes a verse from + the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he writes it, "John + Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by that name + was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the best + of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the + air of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My name is JIM COLLINS,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Ead-vaiter at Limmers',</p> + + <p>The corner of Conduck Street,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Anover Square.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And my hokkipashun</p> + + <p class="i2">Is sarvin' out liquors</p> + + <p>To such sportin' covies</p> + + <p class="i2">As chance to come <i>there</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and + the ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars + and extinct Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and + late nights, more of the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the + veneered version for the drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., + M.D. We may be wrong, but—we don't think we are.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AFTER LUNCH.</h3> + + <h4><i>A Fancy Sketch, Copied from Cobb.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic + drinks in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea + and coffee."—<i>Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the + Law Courts</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Apartment in the Chancery Division. + Time</i>, 2·15 P.M. Judge, Bar, Solicitors, <i>and</i> + Public <i>discovered in a state more easily imagined + (by</i> Mr. COBB<i>) than described.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>thickly</i>). What want + t'know—what-do-next? (<i>Smiles.</i>) Very hot! Very + hot indeed! [<i>Frowns.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Q.C.</i> (<i>rising unsteadily</i>). P'raps + m'Lord let m'explain! Case of + <i>Brown</i>-versus-<i>Smith</i>, should + say—course—<i>Smith</i>-versus-<i>Brown</i>. + (<i>Smiles.</i>) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [<i>Sits down + abruptly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily</i>). Very irregular this! + Commit—contempt—Court!</p> + + <p><i>Second Q.C.</i> (<i>leaning luxuriously on desk</i>). + P'raps m'Lord let me explain. Learned friend—drunk! + [<i>Disappears under his seat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily, to</i> Second Q.C.) So you! so + everybody! (<i>With maudlin tenderness</i>.) Must respect + Court! (<i>Savagely.</i>) You are all + disgusting—disgustingly—'tosticated! + Adjourn—morrow mornin'. Usher, brandy sodah! + [<i>Scene closes in—fortunately!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/70-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-2.png" + alt="'No Hankey-Pankey with me.'" /></a>"No + Hankey-Pankey with me." + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 27</i>.—Quite like + old times to-night. Public business interrupted, and private + Member suspended. The victim is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; + been on the rampage all last week; a terror to the Clerks' + table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making the + Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have + a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, + suddenly popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, + "Ah, ah!" "No, you don't!" "Would you, then?" and other + discursive remarks. Curious how ATKINSON, indulging in these + luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts by others to enjoy + similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his grievances just + now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. "One of the + Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, said, + 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"</p> + + <p>"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt + manner that becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the + Consolidated Bank. "Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this + simple interjection? Are you to appropriate all the O's in the + alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the Table a man and a brother, and + why may he not, if the idea flashes across his active brain, + say, 'Oh! oh!'?"</p> + + <p>That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to + his senses. Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters + in that light. Great advantage having a man like HANKEY going + round prepared at moment's notice to take common-sense view of + situation and depict it in terse language. Sobering effect on + ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER was narrating + circumstances on which he had based charge against him of + frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing + about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! + ah!" "No you don't!" and offering other pertinent but + fragmentary remarks.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING." /></a> + + <h3>THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <p>"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the + Varden household, when <i>Miss Miggs</i> returns expecting to + be re-instated in her old place of predominance, near the + person of <i>Dolly's</i> mother. You remember how, when she + finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and betrays her + mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she had + the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' <i>Miss Miggs</i> + continues, 'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! + He, he, he! Nor master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"</p> + + <p>So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of + successive Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. + JOKIM at one time, startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right + ear as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell + over the folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation + growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping up with ever-increasing + vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in + frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but + supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and + Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or + would the Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see + revival of the old game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend + GOSSET used to perform a <i>pas de deux</i> between the gaping + doorway and the astonished Mace? Happily ATKINSON (still like + <i>Miss Miggs</i>, as SARK insists) suddenly collapsed.</p> + + <p>"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an + Hon. Member to withdraw."</p> + + <p>"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," + and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "<i>I will + come back.</i>" Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped + lightly forth, and the Varden household—I mean the House + of Commons, dropped once more into commonplace.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/72-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-1.png" + alt="Nothing if not critical." /></a>Nothing if not + critical. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—ATKINSON expelled for a + week.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, + and was much pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in + Motion suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all + hours of the night, and wind up business of Session. "We may," + he observed, "apply, with a little variation, the late Mr. + MOORE's verse:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The best of all ways to shorten our days</p> + + <p>Is to steal a few hours from the night."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not + critical.</p> + + <p>"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are + a pair of feet left out. But <i>you</i> know, TOBY, how they + run. The last line should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the + night, my Love.' Now, theoretically, and in accordance with + order, all our observations are directed personally to the + SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been said if I had completed + the quotation! I should have been accused of frivolity, and + perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what I'm + about, even when quoting poetry."</p> + + <p>Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing + in House just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man + who prattles on unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all satisfied with condition of + affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on him; left him nowhere. + Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In Committee on Irish + Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000; + proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee + thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for + themselves. Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten + minutes; then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.</p> + + <p>Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; + would have given him much livelier impression of the place than + he gained when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, + listening to CLARK discoursing about Scotch Crofters to + audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. <i>Business + done.</i>—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—House rapidly thinning; + AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to keep his men together; falling + off like leaves in wintry weather. Been a long Session, and a + weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and Country kept us + here unto this last.</p> + + <p>"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't + know how you'll get on without me, dear boys."</p> + + <p>"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered + in the smoke-room for the last cigarette.</p> + + <p>"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to + the country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done + to private feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, + but RUSTEM ROOSE, He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to + Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' like ATKINSON and another ancient + Roman (of whom you may have read in school-books), 'I return.' + In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork + himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is precious to + all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on the + Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires + from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There + are quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, + who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their natural + inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral + pyre. There's ——, and ——, and + —— ——." (Wild horses couldn't drag + these names from me. Anyone interested should write to the + SAGE, <i>Poste Restante Marienbad</i>.) "They could not think + of lingering on the political scene after the retirement of the + head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee. It + will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, + moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury + Bench."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/72-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-2.png" + alt="An Idea." /></a>An Idea. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—SAGE goes off by the Club train. + The two muffled-up figures seen in the background of the + station are emissaries of AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the + mission of ascertaining whether he's really gone.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—House sitting to-day. Should have + prorogued yesterday at latest; but, somehow, drifting on; + Members, for their part, drifting off; affairs reached lowest + level; business practically wound up; but House must needs sit + another week in order that Appropriation Bill may be got + through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.</p> + + <p>Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, + Q.C., with legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that + has wagged a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive + brow. "Got a headache?" I asked, that being the most natural + thing under the circumstances.</p> + + <p>"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned + holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation + Bill."</p> + + <p>"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that + enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in + breach of promise cases. <i>Business + done.</i>—Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for + remaining days of Session.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>The Song of a Coming Celebrity.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, + on retirement of Alderman EVANS.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day,</p> + + <p>Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky + GRAY;</p> + + <p>To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the + Ci-tee,</p> + + <p>GRAY was clearly born to be great—and I am + he!</p> + + <p>I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin;</p> + + <p>I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin,</p> + + <p>But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be,</p> + + <p>For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the + Ci-tee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.—<i>Legal + Fiction.</i>—The Lord Chief Justice was certainly a + little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange morality, and it + is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant criticism + of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question but + that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this + country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal + Intelligence" is often very defective.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, August 8, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14808-h.htm or 14808-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/0/14808/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 8, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 26, 2005 [EBook #14808] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +August 8, 1891. + + + + +LARKS FOR LONDONERS. + +Sir,--Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for gratuitous concerts +and dances! But that's not half enough. Some of us don't care for +dancing, and abhor music. What I propose is that Free Billiard-tables +should be established in each parish. Billiards is much better +exercise than sitting still on a chair listening to singing. Then +there ought to be places where one could get municipal tobacco +without paying for it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life +as education--more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter evenings it +would also be nice to be able to step over to one's Town Hall and have +a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from the wood"--also from the +rates. I don't pay rates myself, as I happen to live in a flat, but +I am sure the ratepayers will immediately recognise the justice of my +demands. + + UNBIASSED. + +Sir,--By all means let us try to give more pleasure to the people. The +pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly elevating kind. I would +advocate throwing open the South Kensington Natural History Museum in +the evening. This would be most useful, especially to people living +at the East End, and the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not +rollicking, would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable +characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not produce +his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from the clergyman +of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I am sure that people +would jump at a chance of an evening among the _Coleoptera_. + + Yours, NATURALIST. + +Sir,--I cannot understand why people should ask for more amusement +than they get at present. Have not they the Parks to walk about in? In +wet weather they can take shelter under trees. In winter they ought +to stay at home in the evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their +families. I would even go so far as to allow an occasional game at +draughts. Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of +the question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously +inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I throw out +these observations for what they may be worth, and trusting that they +will not be regarded as dangerously subversive of morality, I remain, + + Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME! + +Sir,--The movement for turning our Town Halls into places of amusement +is an excellent one. What I would like to suggest is, that the +Vestrymen should themselves take part in the entertainments. Why not +have weekly theatrical performances, with parts found for all local +Authorities? I feel convinced that _Hamlet_, played by our Vestry, +would be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play +the _Ghost_, while minor characters could be sustained by the Medical +Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and others; the +Chairman, of course, would figure in the title _role_. A topical comic +song, by the Board of Guardians, with breakdown, might serve as a +pleasing interlude; breakdowns in local matters are, I believe, not +unknown already. The idea is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen +owe something to the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them. + + Yours, MERRY ANDREW. + + * * * * * + +BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.--A "Champion" pugilist is even more presumptuous +than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a Thousand Guineas a +'Box.'" + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE SEASON. + +_A PROPOSAL FIN DE SIECLE._ + +[Illustration] + + Farewell! since the Season is over, + Ah me, but its moments were sweet! + You are oft', _via_ Folkestone or Dover, + To some Continental retreat. + On Frenchman and German you'll lavish + The smiles that can madden me still; + While I, with the gillie McTavish, + Am breasting the heather-clad hill. + + Oh, do you remember the dances, + The dearest were those we sat out, + How I frowned when detecting your glances + On others, which caused you to pout? + You are changeful and coy and capricious, + A weathercock easily blown; + But when shall I hear the delicious + One word that proclaims you my own? + + They say that an eloquent passion + Has long become quite out of date, + That true love is never the fashion, + And marriage a wearisome state. + They conjure up many a bogie, + To guard a man's bachelor life, + And keep him a selfish old fogey, + And stop him from taking a wife. + + They vow that a wife needs a carriage, + And opera-boxes and stalls, + That money's the one thing in marriage, + And cheques are as common as calls. + They say women shy (like some horses) + At vows made to love and obey; + They tell you drear tales of divorces, + And scandals, the talk of the day. + + But hang all those cynical railings, + Just write me one exquisite line + To say you'll look over my failings, + And promise me you will be mine. + And though I'm aware it's the merest + Small matter of detail, to clear + The ground, I may mention, my dearest, + I've full thirty thousand a year. + + * * * * * + +BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.--Last Friday His Honour Judge BACON had to +decide a case which was headed in the papers "Cagliostromantheon." +What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, who was a fair defendant, won +the case; and His Honour--this appeal having been made to His Honour +by Mr. B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the +stage, but especially for one described as "an actor,"--decided that +His Honour was satisfied. Peace with His Honour! + + * * * * * + +NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME. + +(_BY "A CAMBRIDGE PARSON_.") + + ["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the policy + of 'Dishing.'"--_Sir W. Harcourt_.] + + Hey diddle diddle, + The voters we'd fiddle + With Free Education--that "boon." + But Wisbech birds laugh + At such plain party "chaff," + And the "Dish"--at the polls--proves a "Spoon." + + * * * * * + +FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER. + +Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a digest +of the news generally, for my power to digest is already becoming +seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches in _Macbeth_ (I +think it's the Witches, but haven't my _Shakspeare_ handy, I mean +my _Handy Shakspeare_, with me--wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my +Pilgrim's Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH. + + * * * * * + +IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN! + +_A LAY FOR THE LIFEBOAT SERVICE._ + + [An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal National + Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in dire + financial straits," the deficit for last year being L33,000. + Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully received + by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, St. John + Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.] + + True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more," + As DIBDIN's Monument informs us; + But memory of the man who bore + That honoured name still stirs and warms us. + And here's another of his name, + Who still the British Sailor's serving; + Then who could see without sore shame + JOHN BULL from _his_ plain duty swerving? + + Thirty-three Thousand to the bad, + Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory? + Nay, JOHN, that will _not_ do, my lad; + Next year must tell a different story. + Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say + To such a thing? In racy lingo, + Upon our backs his lash he'd lay, + And give the slothful Britons "stingo." + + Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved, + Our Life-boat rescuers, already. + The seas around our shores they've braved, + With valour prompt and patience steady. + Shall they be floored for _L.S.D._, + Because JOHN BULL his pockets buttons? + Then the old keepers of the Sea + Must be, in pluck, as dead as muttons. + + True, lads, on such a text as this + "We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;" + But were we mute, Neptune would hiss + His sons degenerate off the brine. + Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more! + He's dead, as _Scrooge_ declared old _Marley_. + What then? Wake up, from shore to shore, + And--send your guineas to _Young_ CHARLEY! + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOT!" + + [Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a stolid + but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and Wimbledon, after + the match at the latter place between picked twenties of the + London Scottish and the London Rifle Brigade, won easily by + the former team.] + + Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot, + And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot. + This particular "Saxon" the hump has got, + Being licked by a team which is Picked _and_ Scot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD +COMPANY. + + ["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to which + the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, "could I have + believed that Republican Sailors, that Republican Soldiers, + could have such a bearing."--_Times_. + + "The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, ordered a + temporary relaxation of the measures for the expulsion of the + Jews from Russia."--_Times_.] + +_Autocrat_ (_aside_). "HUMPH! CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY +I LIKE THEIR COSTUMES!"] + + "How happy could I be with either?" + Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say _that_! + Yet here we are, tripping together, + Republics and proud Autocrat! + Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!-- + So satire will say, I've no doubt. + And some will declare it must ruin + The Russdom once ruled by the knout. + I wonder--I very much wonder-- + What NICK to this sight would have said-- + I fear he'd have looked black as thunder, + And savage as RURIC the Red. + For this did we lose the Crimea? + For this did we larrup the Jews? + I really had not an idea + Republics could rule--and amuse. + Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish. + How well Miss COLUMBIA can coax! + The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish, + The Briton will grumble "a hoax." + Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor, + And give shouting Emperors a hint; + I back _La Belle France_. Her betrayer + My meaning must see, plain as print. + My reply to the great Guildhall grumble + Had less of politeness than pith, + But--well I've no wish so to humble + My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH, + Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye, + _Persona gratissima_, he; + And therefore I yield to the Yankee + The boon I refused to J.B. + But yet, all the same, it _is_ funny + To see Three like us in One Boat. + COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey, + Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat. + I never imagined Republics + Could have such a "bearing" as these. + Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks + The comb sweetly filled by the bees, + I list to their flattering-chatter; + Their voices are pleasant--in praise; + But--well, though it seems a small matter, + I _don't_ like that dashed "_Marseillaise_." + And "_Israel in Egypt_" sounds pointed + I'd Pharaoh the miscreants--but stay, + My soliloquy's getting disjointed, + I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay, + _La Belle France_ displays a _grande passion_; + My arms they unitedly press. + One thing though; the Phrygian fashion + Is not _my_ ideal of dress. + They swear that they both love me dearly, + Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!" + They are setting their Caps at me, clearly, + But,--well, _I don't quite like the Caps!_ + + * * * * * + +THE CAPLESS MAID. + + ["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a sort + of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after she + had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."--_Daily Paper_.] + + What shall we do with our Maid? + How shall we treat her best? + Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her hair? + And shall she in silks be drest? + Shall we make her a gift of gold? + Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps. + But whatever we make her, wherever we take her, + We never must make her wear caps. + + Imperious, capless, supreme, + Do just as you please evermore; + And wear what you will, for we shall be + And never complain as before. + We may put all our money in mines, + We may put all our cheese into traps, + But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear, + When we try to put you into caps. + + * * * * * + +THE DIFFERENCE. + + ["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of 1893 + Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in any + electoral contest than he can be in the spring or autumn of + 1892."--_Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next Parliament."_] + + "Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, too, + Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true. + GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's blithe + Because _his_ hopes are centred on Time's _scythe_. + Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous breath + Lives "in the sure and certain hope"--of Death! + + * * * * * + +RESIGNATION. + + "Fire! Fire!" + "Where? where?' + SHAW's resigned. + Then find + Another one! + Many gone? + Fire! Where? + Here's a scare!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS. + +(_Vide "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891._)] + + * * * * * + +UPON A GLOVE. + +(_AFTER THE FASHION--MORE OR LESS--OF HERRICK._) + + Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham, + And Legislative Flam! + Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool + (Both prompt to play the fool, + In free-lance fashion or official form) + Prattled of, 'midst a storm + Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers, + And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"-- + Thou summest well the humbug of our lives. + The fistic "bunch of fives" + Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk" + Shrouded in kid or silk, + But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell," + And SMITH and PRITCHARD--well, + One would not like a clump upon the head + From the teak-noddled "TED," + Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;" + But somehow "bhoys" like them, + Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house," + And only nap "a mouse," + Though one before the end of the third bout + Is clean "knocked out,"-- + Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire, + Who in ten minutes tire, + And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back + To shun the impending thwack,-- + Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf + As venal JULIA's self. + GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt, + And "What _is_ a knock-out?" + _May_ mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much; + But Truth's Ithuriel touch + Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED," + (Of "slightly swollen" head) + As well as unsophisticated COBB, + (If Truth were "on the job,") + Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge," + And Law-evading dodge, + Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery, + Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery, + All the material the Satirist loves, + In those same "four-ounce gloves"! + + * * * * * + +OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY + +AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + +Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain Crosstree, +R.N. + +Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be presented +by Mr. Frederick Locker. + +A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815. + +Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his affianced +bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her lily-white hands +in the nasty pitch and tar." + +Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin Bolt whether +or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet Alice with hair so +brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) gave her a smile, and +trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) frown?" The portrait also of the +aforesaid Alice, evidently rather a weak-minded young person. + +Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of "Black +Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence coloured." + + * * * * * + +WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH. + +In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting reports about +Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express 12.30 from Waterloo, +and go straight away to my terminus, stopping, if I remember rightly, +only twice on the road. First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with +the London and South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the +exception of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton +Water--scent generally lost where water is, I believe--and another +of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran into our quarry at Bournemouth +Station West, in just two hours and a half. [_Happy Thought_.--Lunch +_en route_, between 12.30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, +not all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts at +hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, &c., &c.] + +[Illustration: "WELCOME THE COMING--" + +"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only charmed to have +your company."--_Extract from Speech of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to +Un-illustrious Visitor_.] + +Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or Nice, +or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, Monte Carlo, +and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are painted, for +Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week in July) at a +delightfully mean temperature,--if I may be allowed to use the word +"mean" without implying any sort of disrespect for the Bournemouthers. + +Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any previous +occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as at this present +moment. Odd! + +"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association here. All +sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings too." + +If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a night in a +bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called early; then sea-bath; +also man to bring hot water and towels. While speculating on this +probability, we arrive at + +_Royal Bath Hotel_.--Flag flying, showing that British Medical +Association Family are at home. Other flags elsewhere express same +idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of course. Array of servants in +brown liveries and gilt buttons in outer hall, preparing to receive +visitors. Pleasant and courteous Manager--evidently Manager--with +foreign accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" +I ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous +Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive +pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly ladies, +chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, and awaiting +my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be shown up." (_Absit +omen!_) However, I am shown up. Charming room: sea-view, nearly all +the views from the windows of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath +which way you will; and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The +Warm Bath Hotel. + +I am looking for something which has probably been left in the hall. +"Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look round; "where's my +waterproof with two capes? I've missed--er--" I hesitate, being still +uncertain. + +A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He pauses in +his swift career, as if catching my last words. I hear him repeat, +"Missed--er--" and then "Capes." To this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, +I'll tell him," and vanishes. + +"_Tell him?_" Oh, probably he means that he will tell the other +Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double capes. But to make +assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of the stairs and call out, +"Wrapper--with two capes--probably in the hall--don't see it here." +To which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the +Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something inaudible, +finishing with, "up there." + +I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy and +refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have left the +door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof wrapper, I am +turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the old stage-directions +have it, a distinguished-looking gentleman, bearded and moustached, +white-vested, and generally "in full fig."--(_Mem._--Write to _Notes +and Queries, Unde derivatur_--"Full fig?") who advances briskly but +quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made some mistake in the +number of his room. At least, I hope the mistake isn't on _my_ part, +or on the urbane Manager's part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor +bows. I am about to explain that he is in error, and that this is my +room, when he deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; +my name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am sure, +Sir, I am more than delighted to see _you_!" and he proffers his hand, +which I take and shake heartily, at the same time wondering where on +earth we have met before, and why he should be so effusively joyful +at seeing me again. Suddenly, as I release his hand, I see where the +mistake is, and how it has arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls +to my mind that in an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs +to Mr. CAPES,--Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This amiable +gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the Proprietor himself. I +also am delighted. "Very kind of him to take this trouble," I say. + +"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special kindness on his +part. And as to trouble!--well, he scouts that idea with an energetic +wave of his hand. Now, he wants to know, what will I do, where will I +go, what will I take? Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting +in the Town Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests +the considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before +dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have tickets +for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a cigar in the +smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get to bed." + +I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, shall meet +some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him immensely. As a +matter of fact, however, I confide to him that I should prefer keeping +myself quiet this evening, as I have so much to do to-morrow morning. + +"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most sympathetically. +"And you'd like to rest as much as possible to-night after your +journey. You'd like a table to yourself a little later. No--no--no +thanks, I'm only too delighted." + +And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the +hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the Boots, +who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had sent him for, +to point me out to him, and to tell him to order a private table +for me in the _salle a manger_ "at--at?"--he queries--and I reply by +inquiring if I may fix it for 7.45, as the room will be quieter then. +"Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the slightest +difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, "7.45," +whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus 'tis arranged. + +Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. Beautiful air, +not the least enervating. On the contrary, refreshing. Returning +later on to dress, I see the _salle a manger_ full to overflowing. +The Medicals are all feeding well and wisely, as Medicals ought to +do. A pleasant company. Only a few of the younger and idler spirits +remain when I sit down to my dinner about eight. Excellent _cuisine_. +Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole pickles, +beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth beans. For wine, +Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish with Corfe Castle +Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in the sea-garden, or garden +o'erlooking the sea. + +Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as _Lady Macbeth_ +observes. Sensible person, _Lady Mac_. + +On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am alone at +first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical Association has +returned in force. I catch occasional bits in conversation:-- + +"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. Great +pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about MCSIMMUM, all +evidently more or less good, and all interesting. I myself begin to +wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have been an acquisition.) +More medical men of various ages and with variety of spectacles. +All enjoying themselves thoroughly,--quite medical boys out for +a holiday,--but every one of them, individually and collectively, +intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. I hear the voice of +my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will ask Mr. CAPES about this +celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom evidently I ought to know, at least by +repute. Perhaps I have known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a +man with whom I often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the +smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I have +heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't remember. + +Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to everybody. +Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is saying. It is, "My +dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM _is_ here. I've seen him. He dined alone. He +said he preferred it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several +exclaim, "But _where_ is he _now_?" + +"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being tired, +he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. 142, on his +arrival." + +Heavens! The number of my room--is 142! Not another man in _there_! +No.... I see it all now, _I am Dr. MCSIMMUM!_ The real MCSIMMUM hasn't +arrived, and he hasn't sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, +and the absence of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he +arrives now! where shall _I_ be? + +"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming right into +the midst of them. + +To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES says so, but +no one's seen him." + +"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's staying +with some friends a little way out of the town. He has just sent me a +note by hand to say that he won't occupy his room till to-morrow, and +will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will forward by bearer a bag that +was labelled and addressed to the room taken for him here, No. 142." + +[Illustration: "---- Speed the Parting Guest."] + +"But--" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, "but--" + +At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery voice. Saved! +I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN HARTLEY, M.D., who, years +ago, told me there was nothing the matter with me, only I must take a +holiday and go abroad to get better (most excellent advice, and I've +never been quite well since), and who now exclaims, with all his old +breadth of manner, "What _you_ here! Bravo! We'll make you an honorary +member!" + +The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know what is +passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H. +I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, "Thanks; I'm here only for +the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've just come down here to look for a +house. By the way, I rather think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in +my room. Let's see." + +So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations _en route_. Dr. +MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I should say in _his_ room. +But I've got the apartment, and if it hadn't been for the mistake, I +should have been homeless and houseless, and a wanderer on the face +of the sand at Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, +MCSIMMUM, and thank him for not coming to-night. + +As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of the B.M.A. +here assembled, in the smoking-room. The conversation is chiefly +about the use of alcohol and tobacco as poisons. The decision arrived +at towards one o'clock A.M., or, more correctly speaking, the +Inn-decision, is that, on this particular occasion, one glass more of +something or other, and just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly +hurt anybody. This is carried _nem. con._: and so, subsequently, we +adjourn, not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed. + +Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and after +examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up above in +beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank Mr. NORFOLK +CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality shown me in his +exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by the swift 2.5 P.M. +train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4.30 to the moment. Of course I +am now expecting my diploma as Honorary Member of the British Medical +Association. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER JUBILEE.--That of the Old Stagers at Canterbury. Free List +entirely suspended at the Theatre, with the exception of just _A Scrap +Of Paper_ in the house. + + * * * * * + +KURDS AND AWAY! + +[Illustration] + + Indignant we spoke out, and any amount + Of strong language we used when we read the account, + And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we heard + Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd. + + We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of life, + We wiped out the insult with war to the knife; + And it only redoubled our anger to read + That the girl--so they said--had abandoned her creed. + + Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't true; + Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to do, + Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's track, + And we wept in our joy when we knew she was back. + + But the wonderful ending remains to be told, + For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold, + And embracing her husband (as is usual with brides) + Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides. + + So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in vain, + We can now feel quite calm and collected again. + At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice, + She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice. + + Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the bride! + Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied! + With all due respect, let us venture to say + That we hope from her Kurd she will not run away! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN. + +Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my time, I have, +but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal the picter as I seed +on the werry larst day of July larst week, when, by such a series +of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, I was priveledged for to +see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE prepare hisself, with his two +lately benighted Sheriffs, in the most scrumptious of their many rich +dresses, and with the solid gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of +GARMANY about a fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from +abroad, all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with +all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson silk +dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town Clarks and +Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing world may see +what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all looked when in their +werry best close, and with their lovely solid gold deckorations on (as +the HEMPERER and the Prince of WALES begged and prayed as they might +have one a-peace) who arranged and carried out the grandest show +of modern times, wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to +Guildhall. Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em +all into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he said, +"Quite steddy, please!" + +[Illustration] + +But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of what I +saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and that was, +to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, beginning with the +Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of poority and his black Cocked +Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly and kindly arranged for him by the +hartistic Sheriff. + +And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord MARE, in all +his glory, retire to the Committee's dressing-room, and there strip +hisself to his werry shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere +hordnary close of common humanety! + +Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool Photygraff, for +I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed Waiter, I saw the grand +pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, and then saw it fade away like a +strawbery hice on a Summer's Day! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.--The French Fleet may depend upon a +courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the "Pink" of +Politeness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY. + +_Miss Grundison, Junior_. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, ALL ALONE IN A +BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO IMPRUDENT OF THEM!" + +_Her Elder Sister_. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE UPSET AND +DROWNED--WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + + ["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has been + a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am thankful to + agree with your Lordship in thinking that the people of this + country will recognise that it has been a Session of hard and + valuable work."--_Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + + Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or DALTON; + As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands first, + His wild watery way never tempted to halt on, + Undaunted by cold as by hunger or thirst. + Nine months in the waves, though, no man may enjoy; + So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the buoy. + + In November last year he first entered the water, + To start on this special, most arduous swim, + It was cold, with the wind in a winterly quarter, + But winds, like the waves, have small terrors for him. + You remember accounts that the papers then gave + (Here's an extract) concerning this King of the Wave. + +"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), started +yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt--the first having been +a failure--to swim from Tithes Pier to Purchase Point Buoy. It was +an unfavourable time of the year for such an unprecedented feat of +natation, but the Hatfield Champion was confident of success. He is a +perfect whale at long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk +of 'twenty years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative +trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF--more commonly known as the +Sanguine Old 'Un--was equally confident. Two boats accompanied the +Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, SMIFF, and in the +other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One thing, indeed, was in the +Hatfield man's favour; his lately cocky and contemptuous competitors +had been 'weeded out' by a fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, +including what SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, +subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' The +Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had become so +thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and disputes between +them and their backers, that there was not a single 'Paddy' prepared +to enter the water when the signal 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, +therefore, had it all to himself; the performance practically resolves +itself into a trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe +Bearer' is the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to +measure himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage +of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short time. +Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will have to +contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly breezes, &c.; the +'flowing tide' will assuredly not always be with him, and before he +gets to the end of his briny journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will +probably have 'had enough of it.'" + + True prognostication! But skilful natation + Despite some "anxiety" and much "fatigue," + Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's elation." + Together they've plodded o'er many a league + Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear! + They were ridden with skill, though regarded with fear. + + "The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and breast-stroke + Alternately serve him; fatigued but unhurt, + Like CAESAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best stroke!" + Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. "One spurt, + My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis done; + Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've won!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC BIRDS.--M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to sing in Mr. +ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, _The Light of Asia_. Where was +TRA-LA-LARA when _The Light of Asia_ didn't come out? M. MAUREL +seems to have said, that, if the Opera were produced this season, +he'd be blowed if he sang, and the Opera would probably be damned, +theatrically and operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL +of the story. _The Light of Asia_ mustn't be snuffed out altogether, +but it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as +TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time coming, +and good tunes too, we hope. + + * * * * * + +AMENDE HONORABLE.--In making up the list of outside contributors, _Mr. +Punch's_ Private Secretary regrets having omitted the name of JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the Bloomsburians, and the determined +foe of Mud Salad Market and Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the +initials, "HONEST JOHN," will now be satisfied. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LONG DISTANCE SWIM." + +W.H. SM-TH. "HOORAY!--ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BANK HOLIDAY. + + SCENE--_The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled with a dense + throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat commanding the + most distant view of a Variety Performance on the Great Stage, + has been occupied an hour in advance. The less punctual stand + and enjoy the spectacle of other persons' hats or bonnets. + Gangs of Male and Female Promenaders jostle and hustle to + their hearts' content, or perform the war-song and dance + of the Lower-class 'ARRY, which consists in chanting "Oi + tiddly-oi-toi; hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women + sit on chairs and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy + of young men and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of + love; the first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, + on the part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner + and partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by thumping + him between the shoulders. From time to time, two champions + contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who may usually + be heard bellowing inconsolably in the background. A small + but increasing per-centage have already had as much liquid + refreshment as is good for them, and intend to have more. + Altogether, the scene, if festive, might puzzle an Intelligent + Foreigner who is more familiar with Continental ideas of + enjoyment._ + +_A Damsel_ (_in a ruby plush hat with a mauve feather_). Why, if they +yn't got that bloomin' ole statute down from Charin' Cross! What's +_'e_ doin' of down 'ere, I wonder? + +_Her Swain_ (_whose feather is only pink and white paper_). Doin' of? +Tykin' 's d'y orf--like the rest of us are tykin' it. + +_The Damsel_ (_giggling_). You go on--you don't green _me_ that w'y--a +statute! + +_Swain_. Well, 'yn't this what they call a "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh? + +_Damsel_ (_in high appreciation of his humour_). I'll fetch you _sech_ +a slap in a minnit! 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback. + +_Another Damsel_ (_in a peacock-blue hat with orange pompons_). See +that nekked young man on the big 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the +stand. 'Oo was _'e_?. + +_Alf_. Oh, _I_'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im as invented the Castor +Ile. + +_The Damsel_ (_disgusted_). Fancy their puttin' up a monument to +_'im_! + +_Superior 'Arry_ (_talking Music-halls to his Adored One_). 'Ave you +'eard her sing "_Come where the Booze is Cheapest_"? + +_The Adored_. Lots o' toimes. I _do_ like _'er_ singing. She mykes +sech comical soigns--and then the _things_ she sez! But I've 'eard +she's very common in her tork, and that--_orf_ the styge. + +_The S.A._ I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em _are_ that way. You can't +'ave _everythink_! + +_His Adored_. No, it _is_ a pity, though. 'Spose we go out, and pl'y +Kiss in the Ring? [_They do._ + +AMONG THE ETHNOLOGICAL MODELS. + +_Wife of British Workman_ (_spelling out placard under Hottentot +Group_). "It is extremely probable that this interesting race will be +completely exterminated at no very distant period." Pore things! + +_British Workman_ (_with philosophy_). Well, _I_ shan't go inter +mournin' for 'em, SAIRER! + +[Illustration] + +_Lambeth Larrikin_ (_in a pasteboard "pickelhaube," and a false +nose, thoughtfully, to BATTERSEA BILL, who is wearing an old grey +chimney-pot hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they +contemplate a party of Botocudo natives_). Rum the sights these 'ere +savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, BILL? + +_Batt. Bill_ (_more thoughtfully_). Yer right--but I dessay if you and +me 'ad been born among that lot, _we_ shouldn't care _'ow_ we looked! + +_Vauxhall Voilet_ (_who has exchanged headgear with CHELSEA +CHORLEY--with dismal results_). They _are_ cures those blackies! Why, +yer carn't 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll +be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their myusic. + +_Chelsea Chorley_. Good job we can't _'ear_ 'em. They say as niggers' +music is somethink downright horful. Give us "_Hi-tiddly-hi_" on that +mouth-orgin o' yours, will yer? + + [_VAUXHALL VOILET obliges on that instrument; everyone in + the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt party, + dancing._ + +_A Pimply Youth_. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's the stuff they gits +as stoopid as biled howls on--it's about time we went and did another +beer. [_They retire for that purpose._ + +DURING THE FIREWORKS. + +_Chorus of Spectators_. There's another lot o' bloomin' rockets gowin +orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What a lark if the sticks come down +on somebody's 'ed! There, didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a +shower o' foiry smuts. Lor, so they do--what a fancy you _do_ 'ave, +&c., &c. + +COMING HOME. + +_An Old Gentleman_ (_who has come out with the object of observing +Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to +his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_). +There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins. +Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying +experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying +itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with +marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't +agree with me? + +_His Friend_ (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather +pathetic than-- + +_The O.G._ (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people +putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a +crowd-- + + [_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption + of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._ + +_Man by the Window_. Third-class as good as fust, these days! There's +ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin'! + + [_"OLE FRED" plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin + trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his + stick, as he leans against the door._ + +_Ole Fred_. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and +I ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a +naturally powerful voice._) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was +boys! Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!" + + [_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of + repetition._ + +_The O.G._ Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there +Sir? [_Whimpers from over-tired children._ + +_Ole Fred_ (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! +No matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril +of my moth-ar, (_to O.G._) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I +see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'" + + [_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing + blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._ + +_The O.G._ (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an +infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who-- + +_Old Fred_. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter +from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An' +the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my +double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform, +as train stops_.) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! +hoi-toi-oy!" + + [_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your + eye," &c., and beat time with their boots._ + +_The O.G._. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the +guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this! + +_The Man by the Window_. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough +to 'urt 'im, _'e_ ain't! + +_Chorus of Females_ (_to O.G._). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to +be _ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you +on'y let him alone! + +_Old Fred_ (_to O.G._). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy! +(_Says, dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the +dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless, +I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!" +(_Here he sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently +cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a +rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere +wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the O.G., who +perspires freely_.) Oh, I _am_ enj'yin' myself! [_He keeps up this +agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the +journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite +three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to +Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it +somewhat modifies the O.G.'s enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a +Bank Holiday._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE FORCEPS. + +(_A Dream of the Dentist's Chair._)] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE SQUARE." + + "A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good catch," + So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck. + Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match + Is won by "perpetual cheque." + + * * * * * + +AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION. + +In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly written by +Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in _The Fortnightly_ for this month, the +author quotes a verse from the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he +writes it, "John Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by +that name was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the +best of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the air +of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:-- + + "My name is JIM COLLINS, + 'Ead-vaiter at Limmers', + The corner of Conduck Street, + 'Anover Square. + + "And my hokkipashun + Is sarvin' out liquors + To such sportin' covies + As chance to come _there_." + +This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and the +ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars and extinct +Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and late nights, more of +the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the veneered version for the +drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., M.D. We may be wrong, but--we don't +think we are. + + * * * * * + +AFTER LUNCH. + +_A FANCY SKETCH, COPIED FROM COBB._ + + ["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic drinks + in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and + coffee."--_Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts_.] + + SCENE--_Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2.15 P.M. + Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state + more easily imagined (by Mr. COBB) than described._ + +_Judge_ (_thickly_). What want t'know--what-do-next? (_Smiles._) Very +hot! Very hot indeed! [_Frowns._ + +_First Q.C._ (_rising unsteadily_). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain! Case +of _Brown_-versus-_Smith_, should say--course--_Smith_-versus-_Brown_. +(_Smiles._) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [_Sits down abruptly._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily_). Very irregular this! Commit--contempt--Court! + +_Second Q.C._ (_leaning luxuriously on desk_). P'raps m'Lord let me +explain. Learned friend--drunk! [_Disappears under his seat._ + +_Judge_ (_angrily, to Second Q.C._) So you! so everybody! (_With +maudlin tenderness_.) Must respect Court! (_Savagely._) You are all +disgusting--disgustingly--'tosticated! Adjourn--morrow mornin'. Usher, +brandy sodah! [_Scene closes in--fortunately!_ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night. +Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim +is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a +terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making +the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have +a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly +popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you +don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how +ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts +by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his +grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. +"One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, +said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'" + +[Illustration: "No Hankey-Pankey with me."] + +"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that +becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank. +"Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are +you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the +Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes +across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?" + +That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses. +Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great +advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's +notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse +language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER +was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him +of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing +about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No +you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks. + +[Illustration: THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.] + +"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden +household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in +her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother. +You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and +betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she +had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues, +'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor +master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'" + +So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive +Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time, +startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making +very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was +nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping +up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" +growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; +but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and +Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the +Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old +game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a +_pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace? +Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly +collapsed. + +"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member +to withdraw." + +"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he +dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then, +gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden +household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into +commonplace. + +[Illustration: Nothing if not critical.] + +_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week. + +_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much +pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending +Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind +up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little +variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:-- + + "The best of all ways to shorten our days + Is to steal a few hours from the night." + +"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical. + +"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair +of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line +should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now, +theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations +are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been +said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of +frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what +I'm about, even when quoting poetry." + +Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House +just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on +unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all +satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on +him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In +Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by +L1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee +thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves. +Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat +down, moving reduction in dumb show. + +Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have +given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when +he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing +about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. +_Business done._--Committee of Supply. + +_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to +keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been +a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and +Country kept us here unto this last. + +"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how +you'll get on without me, dear boys." + +"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the +smoke-room for the last cigarette. + +"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the +country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private +feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE, +He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' +like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in +school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't +let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is +precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on +the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires +from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are +quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot +resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to +immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and +---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone +interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.) +"They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the +retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the +Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, +moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench." + +_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up +figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of +AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's +really gone. + +[Illustration: An Idea.] + +_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at +latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting +off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but +House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may +be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved. + +Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with +legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged +a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a +headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the +circumstances. + +"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday, +leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill." + +"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm +which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise +cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for +remaining days of Session. + + * * * * * + +AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY. + +(_THE SONG OF A COMING CELEBRITY._) + + [Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on + retirement of Alderman EVANS.] + + When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day, + Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky GRAY; + To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the Ci-tee, + GRAY was clearly born to be great--and I am he! + I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin; + I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin, + But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be, + For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the Ci-tee! + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--_Legal Fiction._--The Lord Chief Justice +was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange +morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant +criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question +but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this +country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal +Intelligence" is often very defective. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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