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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, 
+February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,  February 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+

+ +

PUNCH,
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

+ +

Vol. 152.

+ +

February 28th, 1917.

+ [pg 133] + +

CHARIVARIA.

+ +

One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute + horror at the thought of being prematurely buried. Several + experts however say that this is impossible.

+ +

It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF + BAVARIA of having misunderstood an order, thus losing + Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, we understand, retorted + that the real culprits were the British.

+ +

In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the Cologne + Gazette says, "He is a fine musician and his execution is + good." It would be.

+ +

THE PAPER SHORTAGE.

+ +

News Editor of "Daily Bugle Blast." "JUST + TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, + PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA MUST APPRISE WORLD + THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."

+ +

No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost + since the beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has + been received with the liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat + commanders who have been in the awkward predicament of not + knowing whether they were officially missing.

+ +

Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United + States disguised. Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an + officer and a gentleman.

+ +

According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone + tickets are issued for making soup, but the bone must be + returned to the authorities. Possibly the hardship of the + procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were permitted + to growl.

+ +

A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he + was forty-one years old, and only missed the age-limit by + eighteen hours. It is not thought that he did it purposely.

+ +

At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated + that he had nine children, but upon counting them again he + discovered that he had ten. There seems to be no excuse for + this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now fairly well + advertised.

+ +

Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It + is a most ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." + This, of course, is foolish talk, for the lady has not seen + next season's style.

+ +

Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more + than one cigar a day to a customer. To conserve the supply + still further it is proposed to compel the tobacconist to offer + each customer the alternative of nuts.

+ +

"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, + M.P., "I do not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been + known to express similar sentiments upon sighting certain + M.P.'s.

+ +

"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a + London magistrate in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing + how some policeman are able to hold them up without assistance + for several seconds at a time.

+ +

The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, + will be over two thousand. It is still hoped, however, that + there may be a small surplus which can be devoted to the needs + of disabled soldiers.

+ +

Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing + counterfeit food tickets. The defence will presumably be that + it wasn't real food.

+ +

The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the + Inland Water Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we + understand, has already hoisted his bargee.

+ +

Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from + China, says a news item, and will be used for confectionery. + Had they arrived three months ago nothing could have averted a + General Election.

+ +

A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid + an egg which fetched 35s. In the best hen circles, where + steady silent work is being done, there is a growing tendency + to frown upon these isolated acts of ostentatious + patriotism.

+ +

The Times, it seems, has not published a complete + list of its rivals in the desperate struggle for the smallest + circulation. A Finchley Church magazine has increased its price + to 1½d. a copy.

+ +

Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in + Bangor, and their customers are patriotically assisting this + economy by unpodding their green peas and rolling them + home.

+ +

"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is + fast disappearing from the table." We have often noticed it do + so.

+ +

"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the Berliner + Tageblatt, "to watch women-folk walking beside their + half-starved dogs. There is no room in warfare for dogs." We + have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a time when + one half the dachshund does not know how the other half + lives.

+ +

A Felicitous Juxtaposition.

+ +

+ "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
+ COL. —— LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."—Lincoln + Leader. +

+ +

+ "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."—Provincial + Paper. +

+ +

Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in + fowls.

+ +

+ "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome + after the battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from + Kiel."—Johannesburg Daily Mail. +

+ +

Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the + roughest.

+ +

The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"

+ [pg 134] + +

TO GERMANIA

+ +

FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.

+ +

Air—"To Althæa from + Prison."

+ +

When Peace with wide and shining wings

+ +

Invades this warring isle,

+ +

And my beloved Germania brings

+ +

Wearing her largest smile;

+ +

When close about her waist I coil

+ +

And mouth to mouth apply,

+ +

Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,

+ +

Will be more pleased than I.

+ +

When round the No-Conscription board

+ +

The wines of Rhineland flow,

+ +

And many a rousing Hoch! is roared

+ +

To toast the status quo;

+ +

When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl

+ +

Our happy tears run dry,

+ +

Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,

+ +

Will be more pleased than I.

+ +

When sausages and sauerkraut

+ +

Fulfil the air with spice,

+ +

And loosened tongues the praise shall shout

+ +

Of Peace-at-any-price;

+ +

When German weeds our lips employ

+ +

And hearts are full and high,

+ +

Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,

+ +

Will be more pleased than I.

+ +

Stone walls do not my feet confine

+ +

Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;

+ +

I talk at large and claim as mine

+ +

The freeman's heritage;

+ +

And, if this wicked War but end

+ +

Ere German hopes can die,

+ +

Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,

+ +

Will be more pleased than I.

+ +

O.S.

+ +

THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.

+ +

"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, + "you've got as much as you can carry." Unfortunately it was + impossible to relieve her of the parcels as I had all my work + cut out to manipulate those confounded crutches.

+ +

"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading + the way with her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not + frightfully tired." Of course it seemed ridiculous, but I had + not been out of hospital many days, and as yet I had not grown + used to stumping about in this manner.

+ +

"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such + a thing as a box of broken soldiers?"

+ +

The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, + but offered, with condescension, to inquire.

+ +

"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's + youngest brother.

+ +

"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, + younger still.

+ +

"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"

+ +

"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large + boxes already," answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a + frock coat, with a silver badge on the right lapel, "For + Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty cardboard box, and + in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date + soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had + lost both legs.

+ +

"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man + with the silver badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic + pocket. It seemed to be understood that they and I had been + knocked out in the same campaign.

+ +

"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want + the soldiers to be broken?"

+ +

"I—I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.

+ +

"Why did Dick?" I persisted.

+ +

"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You + see, Father objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new + ones. Dick was quite rebellious. He wanted to know what he was + to do for wounded; and Alice was more disappointed still."

+ +

"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," + I suggested.

+ +

"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross + nurse, you know. She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She + only thinks of healing them."

+ +

"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put + Humpty Dumpty together again," I said.

+ +

"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.

+ +

"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you + as well," I remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely + forgotten until they met us clamorously in the hall.

+ +

"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.

+ +

"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper + parcel from my pocket and handed it over.

+ +

"Is that all?" demanded Alice.

+ +

"There's one more," I said.

+ +

"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and + smiled very nicely as she took my arm.

+ +

"No, that's for me," she said.

+ +

A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.

+ +

The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over + the Channel. The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, + and, leaning over the rail, it was with difficulty that I could + distinguish the dark waters washing below. Shore-ward I could + see nothing, though I knew that a good-sized town lay + there.

+ +

I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my + feet with some difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way + to a door and, pushing it open, entered.

+ +

A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of + a naval officer was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall + well-set-up young seaman. His dishevelled head was hatless, but + otherwise he looked trim, and his garments fitted him better + than a seaman's garments generally do. On each side of him + stood an armed guard.

+ +

"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer + sternly.

+ +

"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He + held his head high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire + his courageous bearing, and yet there was an air of unreality + about the whole thing. I felt almost as if I were dreaming it, + but I knew that this was not a dream.

+ +

"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the + officer. "I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. + The sentence will be carried out at dawn. Remove the + prisoner."

+ +

The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be + struggling with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself + to silence. Then he bowed his head, and, turning, placed + himself between the guards and was marched away.

+ +

The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's + the best man I ever had on my ship."

+ +

He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange + sense of unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the + Third Act of True to the Death, a melodrama in the + pavilion at the end of the pier.

+ [pg 135] + +

+ +

THE RETORT CELESTIAL.

+ +

[China has threatened to break off relations with the + German Government on account of its barbarity. It will be + recalled that the KAISER once designed an allegorical + picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]

+ [pg 136] + +

+ +

SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.

+ +

Grocer. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, + PLEASE."

+ +

Waitress (late grocer's assistant). + "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, + SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."

+ +

WEATHER-VANES.

+ +

It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly + chorus, and the situation reports were coming in from the + battalions in the line. With his hair sizzling in the flame of + the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who was on duty for the + night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink + form.

+ +

"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.

+ +

"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits + upon a wind with East in it). "Give me the message book."

+ +

Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and + machine gun sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then + he turned to the next message.

+ +

"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."

+ +

"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless + handiwork. "Which way is the wind then?"

+ +

The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a + moistened forefinger and the information that it was "blowing + acrossways, leastways it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of + his little wire bed, searched in his pyjamas for the North + Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any wind at all + (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The + responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when + the Brigade on the right flank reported a totally different + wind he concluded there must be a whirlwind in the line, and, + putting up a barrage of bad language, went to sleep.

+ +

In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff + Captain, who broached the subject at breakfast as the General + was probing his second poached egg.

+ +

"This," said the General, who is rather given to the + vernacular, "is the limit. A North-South-East-West report is + preposterous. Something must be done. Haven't we got a + weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will you?"

+ +

Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. + feeling out of it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals + really get a very good time. People have been known to pass + things to them unasked.)

+ +

"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" + said the Staff Captain brightly—he is very bright and + bird-like in the mornings—"the ones the padre thought + were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They aren't ours, + but then they aren't anybody's—they've been there a year, + the old woman told me."

+ +

"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful + of toast.) "Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the + Heavy Group Artillery will let you—they're in there now, + aren't they?"

+ +

"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for + dinner," said the Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes + my s-stammer worse."

+ +

"Why?" said the General.

+ +

"Indigestion—nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the + telephone at all after dinner."

+ +

"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."

+ +

"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"

+ +

"I brought the vanes, Sir."

+ +

"Have any + trouble?"

[pg 137] + +

"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them + behind,' which was true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once + felt himself the centre of interest and desired to improve the + occasion). "We did 'leave them behind,' so it wasn't a + lie exactly ..."

+ +

"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, + that's the main thing."

+ +

"Where will you have one put, Sir?"

+ +

"In the fields," said the B.M.

+ +

"Not too low," said the Captain.

+ +

"Or too high," said Signals.

+ +

"Or too far away," said the attached officer.

+ +

"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the + chutney."

+ +

They all passed it as well as several other things until he + was thoroughly dug-in.

+ +

"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next + morning.

+ +

"——!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his + partiality for the vernacular). "Where's our vane?"

+ +

"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and + I—"

+ +

"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all + went—General, Brigade Major (enunciating pedantically + after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright and birdlike), + and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.

+ +

"North is—there!" said the General in his best + field-day manner, "and this is pointing—due East!" He + touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He touched it again. + A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.

+ +

"Paralysed," said the B.M.

+ +

"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.

+ +

"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants + oil!" and the O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil + (salad, bottle, one).

+ +

"Now pour it over the top—top, boy, top!"

+ +

A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched + hastily for a handkerchief.

+ +

"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"

+ +

The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).

+ +

"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say + now? East!"

+ +

"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a + minute."

+ +

"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, + I'm—West!"

+ +

"The padre was right—it must be a fireguard, after + all," said the Staff Captain.

+ +

"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.

+ +

I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: + "Wind light to moderate (to strong), varying from East to West + (via North and South)."

+ +

"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not + quite perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, + wires are a bit slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and + the whole thing is in rather a bad position, but otherwise it's + all right—quite all right."

+ +

"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.

+ +

"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved + off.

+ +

"There is," said the B.M., discovering + [pg 138] another blob on his shiny + boots, "and on m-me!"

+ +

The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted + alone. For three days he had been the despair of the small and + perspiring body of pioneers, who towards the end had fled at + the mere sight of him. But at last the vane was working.

+ +

"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, + expert?"

+ +

"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he + had done since he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and + he was pleased at the interest the Staff had taken in his + little achievement.) "I've had the pioneers working on it, and + we've got it up another four feet, Sir, tightened the pole, and + wired it on to the supports on every side. It's quite + perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on + it, and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength + of the wind—that flap thing, you know, Sir—"

+ +

"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his + first keenness, "I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, + we shall be moving from here to-morrow; the division's going + back."

+ +

The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was + strong and bitter.

+ +

AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.

+ +

The Major (sings). "AND WE + DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE FOE + TEN—TWENTY—THIRTY—FORTY—"

+ +

Colonel (roused from + surreptitious snooze). "AS YOU + WERE!—NUMBER!"

+ +

Result of the Blockade.

+ +

Notice on a railway bookstall:—

+ +

"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.
+ MUCH REDUCED."

+ +

+ "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that + he was Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he + appeared quite harmless."—Daily News. +

+ +

Obviously an impostor.

+ +

+ "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of + undergraduates celebrating some joyous event at the college + tuck-shop."—Yorkshire Herald. +

+ +

What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this + artless phrase.

+ +

The Super-Submarine.

+ +

+ "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a + submarine, which boarded the American boat, took the names + of all on board, and then authorised the continuation of + the voyage."—Evening News. +

+ +

Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:—

+ +

+ "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find + taxi-cabs, and taxi-cubs with pneumatic + tyres."—Scots Paper. +

+ +

We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in + time for next season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for + the money—a mile for eightpence or so.

+ +

THE MISSING LEADER.

+ +

What is Master WINSTON doing?

+ +

What new paths is he pursuing?

+ +

What strange broth can he be brewing?

+ +

Is he painting, by commission,

+ +

Portraits of the Coalition

+ +

For the R.A. exhibition?

+ +

Is he Jacky-obin or anti?

+ +

Is he likely to "go Fanti,"

+ +

Or becoming shrewd and canty?

+ +

Is he in disguise at Kovel,

+ +

Living in a moujik's hovel,

+ +

Making a tremendous novel?

+ +

Does he run a photo-play show?

+ +

Or in sæva indignatio

+ +

Is he writing for HORATIO?

+ +

Fired by the divine afflatus

+ +

Does he weekly lacerate us,

+ +

Like a Juvenal renatus?

+ +

As the great financial purist,

+ +

Will he smite the sinecurist

+ +

Or emerge as a Futurist?

+ +

Is he regularly sending

+ +

HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,

+ +

Good advice with censure blending?

+ +

Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?

+ +

Is he planting beet, or going

+ +

In for early 'tato-growing?

+ +

Is he writing verse or prosing,

+ +

Or intent upon disclosing

+ +

Gifts for musical composing?

+ +

Is he lecturing to flappers?

+ +

Is he tunnelling with sappers?

+ +

Has he joined the U-boat trappers?

+ +

Or, to petrify recorders

+ +

Of events within our borders,

+ +

Has he taken Holy Orders?

+ +

Is he well or ill or middling?

+ +

Is he fighting, is he fiddling?—

+ +

He can't only be thumb-twiddling.

+ +

These are merely dim surmises,

+ +

But experience advises

+ +

Us to look for weird surprises,

+ +

Somersaults, and strange disguises.

+ +

Thus we summed the situation

+ +

When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration

+ +

Brought about a transformation.

+ +

Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges

+ +

On a sudden re-emerges

+ +

And, to calm the naval gurges,

+ +

FISHER'S restoration urges.

+ +

A Work of Supererogation.

+ +

+ "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by + members of our G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf + of a fund for providing Huns for our + soldiers."—Parish Magazine. +

+ +

INFORMATION WANTED.

+ +

No one can answer the question, and I have not the + pluck—being a law-abiding citizen—to try for + myself. But I do so want to know. I ask everyone. I ask my + partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask casual + acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they + are so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very + engrossing problem, and upon this problem many minor problems + depend, clustering round it like chickens round the maternal + hen. But I should be quite content with an answer only to the + hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an inter-dependence + between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did + someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone + else had to be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities + dislike us to be comfy? Or is it thought that the public might + get so much attracted by the habit as to convert the place into + a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I knew these + things.

+ +

Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and + then—arising out of this question—get all the other + subsidiary facts? We are told so many things that don't matter, + such as the enormous number of Ministers in the new Government, + which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest against + too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and + every performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as + the best place in Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; + such as the breaks made day by day all through the War by + billiard champions; such as the departure of Mr. G.B. SHAW on + his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary visit + to the Front and his return from that experience; such + as—but enough. I am told by the informative Press all + these and more things, but no one tells me the one thing I want + to know.

+ +

Perhaps YOU can.

+ +

I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving + staircases, and I want to know what would happen if we did.

+ +

What to do with Our Dogs.

+ +

+ "FOR SALE.—Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing + to wear now. Seamless, comfortable. All + Wool."—Bedford Daily Circular. +

+ +

+ "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."—Glasgow + Citizen. +

+ +

An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but + too extravagant in these times.

+ [pg 139] + +

BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.

+ +

This scheme of keeping rabbits

+ +

To fatten them as food

+ +

Breaks up the kindly habits

+ +

Acquired in babyhood;

+ +

For we, as youthful scions,

+ +

Were taught to love the dears

+ +

And bring them dandelions

+ +

And lift them by the ears.

+ +

We learned how each new litter

+ +

That came to Flip or Fan

+ +

Grew finer and grew fitter

+ +

With tea-leaves in the bran;

+ +

We learned which stalks were milky

+ +

And which were merely tough,

+ +

What grass was good for Silky

+ +

And what was good for Fluff.

+ +

Such moral mild up-bringing

+ +

Now makes me much distressed

+ +

When little necks need wringing

+ +

And little paws protest,

+ +

Lest wraiths from empty hutches

+ +

Should haunt me, hung in pairs,

+ +

And ghosts—'tis here it touches—

+ +

Of happy Belgian hares.

+ +

However, with my morals

+ +

I manfully shall cope,

+ +

And back my country's quarrels,

+ +

But none the less I hope

+ +

Before poor Bunny's taken

+ +

As stuff for knife and fork

+ +

The hedge-hog will be bacon,

+ +

The guinea-pig be pork.

+ +

W.H.O.

+ +

PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.

+ +

The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to + sanction women taxicab drivers, we understand that all + applicants for licences will be required to pass a severe + examination in "knowledge of London." As, however, this will be + concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, we + venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary + questions of a more general character:—

+ +

(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles + an hour, be able to fling a pint of London mud?

+ +

(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if + so, how much?

+ +

(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate + the following:—(a) contempt, (b) rage, + (c) homicidal mania.

+ +

(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words + "Thank you" be employed?

+ +

(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly + gentleman, wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are + tendered the legal fare plus twopence. Express, within ladylike + limits, your appreciation of this generosity.

+ +

(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a + member of the Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer + accordingly.

+ +

(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a + becoming and serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.

+ +

(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection—

+ +

"The hand that stops the traffic rules the + world"?

+ +

"This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an + alien"?

+ +

(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed + simultaneously by two spinster ladies with hand luggage, + wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a single unencumbered + gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?

+ +

(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres + end, and which do you consider the best places of concealment + in which to secrete yourself at that time?

+ +

(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a + simple direction to "The Palace" from—

+ +

(a) The PRIME MINISTER?

+ +

(b) The Bishop of LONDON?

+ +

+ +

Old Lady (buying records to send to + France—to assistant in Gramophone + Department).

+ +

"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S + BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME + KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION WHICH COULD BE OF + ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"

+ +

A Prophet of Evil.

+ +

+ "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. +

+ +

+ 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"—Headlines in + "The Daily Chronicle." +

+ +

From an official circular relating to the British Industries + Fair:—

+ +

+ "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair + from all parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, + but will not be available before the opening day." +

+ +

You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get + there.

+ [pg 140] + +

+ +

The Vicar (to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been + describing the insulting behaviour of the lady next + door). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT BEING + SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS + TO TAKE NO NOTICE."

+ +

Mrs. Bloggs. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, + SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND + AGAIN—JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."

+ +

THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.

+ +

When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the + pavvy road

+ +

An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the + Rhine,

+ +

The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy + load

+ +

Was the men 'ose job did correspond to + mine.

+ +

When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly + Fosse

+ +

And made the Prooshians sweat their souls + with fear,

+ +

The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well + across

+ +

Was the men with actin' rank o' + bombardier.

+ +

Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes + the Capting too,

+ +

Then to the subs the 'eavy language + flows;

+ +

They comes an' calls their Numbers One an + inefficient crew

+ +

An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;

+ +

An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly + 'ell,

+ +

An' the full edition's poured into the + ear

+ +

Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you + be—blest as well),

+ +

The man with actin' rank o' + bombardier.

+ +

Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter + afternoon,

+ +

The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' + tea,

+ +

The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in + Bethoon,

+ +

The Capting's snorin' out at the + O.P.;

+ +

The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a + prommynard,

+ +

The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' + beer,

+ +

An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' + grouse an' mount the guard

+ +

Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.

+ +

Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' + stores at night,

+ +

Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,

+ +

An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the + 'ome fires bright

+ +

("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, + you know");

+ +

An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the + gun,

+ +

An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy + day;

+ +

An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly + fun

+ +

Accompany one stripe (without the + pay).

+ +

But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l + Artillerie,

+ +

Of cheerful things to think there's quite + a lot;

+ +

Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of + Februree

+ +

To do instructin' stunts at + Aldershot;

+ +

The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned + rank,

+ +

An' little changes means a step up + 'ere,

+ +

So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang + blank,

+ +

I'll soon drop "actin'" off the + "bombardier."

+ [pg 141] + +

+ +

WHO FOLLOWS?

+ [pg 142] + +

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

+ +

OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.

+ + + + + + + + + +

MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (patting Sir EDWARD + CARSON on the back) +	} "HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE." +
MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (patting Mr. BONAR LAW + on the back) +

+ +

Monday, February 19th.—The CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER announced that the "new money" subscribed for the War + Loan amounted to at least seven hundred millions. Being a + modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I did it," though + it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good + sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not + more onerous to the State.

+ +

Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were + specially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that + her delegates might assert her right to self-government. I dare + say, if pressed, he would be prepared to nominate at least one + of her representatives. Having regard to the Nationalist + attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have + retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the + Peace Conference, but he contented himself with a simple + negative.

+ +

There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits + in his private room scheming out new Departments and murmuring + like the gentleman in the advertisement of the elastic + bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to the present, + however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the + Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and + their salaries merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. + It is pleasant to learn that a branch of the Shipping + Controller's department is appropriately housed in the Lake + Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S + objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he + has come into contact make no sort of secret about their + business (one pictures them confiding in this gentleman), it is + expected that the Board of Works will shortly commandeer a + strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.

+ +

Tuesday, February 20th.—In one respect the two + representatives of the War Office in the House of Commons are + singularly alike. When answering their daily catechism both + wear spectacles—Mr. FORSTER an ordinary gold-rimmed pair, + Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which gives + an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, + when he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by + carefully taking off his glasses and so giving himself an extra + moment or two to frame a telling reply.

+ +

This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off + half-a-dozen times as he withstood an assault directed from + various quarters against the refusal of the War Office to admit + the profession of "manipulative surgery" to the Army Medical + Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures effected by + this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the + Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that + the life of one private soldier was more valuable than that of + the two Front Benches put together. All these attempts at + manipulative surgery quite failed to reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S + obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had to intervene + to stop the treatment.

+ +

The persistence with which a little knot of Members below + the Gangway advances the proposition that all Germany is + longing to make an honourable peace, and that it is only the + insatiate ambition of the Allies which stands in the way, would + be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. PONSONBY, + [pg 143] Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. + SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless case with a good deal + of varied ability. A small house listened politely, but was + more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by + Mr. RONALD M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR + GREENWOOD; while later in the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated + the national aims in the War with a cogency that drew from + Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who sit + opposite the Government" to give Ministers their + whole-hearted support.

+ +

Wednesday, February 21st.—The House learned + with satisfaction that crews of our river gun-boats in + Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; and when the + authors of the Turkish communiqués hear of it + they are expected to put in a similar claim.

+ +

Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the + Clock—his friends all tell us that he is superior to + Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable—I had almost said + respectful—distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and + conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN + JELLICOE. They and all of us listened intently while for over + an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, now as much at home on the + quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, discoursed + eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work + of the Senior Service.

+ +

He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or + pretend that the Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy + for their attacks. Nor could he say—for reasons which + seemed to satisfy the House—how many of them had already + been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral + VON CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single + U-boat had been lost since the opening of the new campaign, of + being either singularly misinformed or highly imaginative.

+ +

Thursday, February 22nd.—A strange sympathy + seems to exist between the SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I + fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. LOWTHER'S is in his + heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the wayward + Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems + to be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. + MACPHERSON, and called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to + withdraw the expression, he substituted "impudent." That would + not do either, and there seemed danger of a deadlock and + another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that "incorrect" + was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's + purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the + spirit in which it was offered.

+ +

Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. + Whenever there is a disagreeable or awkward measure to + introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home Secretary, if I may + borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., for one + of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate + the good points and soften the possible asperities of the + National Service Bill that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had + come to condemn, remained to bless.

+ +

Friday, February 23rd.—Owing to a variety of + causes, we are short of tonnage, and unless we manage to grow + more and consume less we shall before very long be within reach + of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the burden of the PRIME + MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have a + guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural + labourer is to be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum + wage of 25s. a week, and the rest of us are to go + without most of our imported luxuries and a good many + necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the + prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to + secure what they felt might be their last really substantial + luncheon, and Mr. DAVID MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill + the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S absence, was soon talking to + empty benches.

+ +

+ +

The Big 'Un. "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE + THAT YOU HAVE TO JOIN UP?"

+ +

The Little 'Un. "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. + YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT + WERE, IN MARCH."

+ [pg 144] + +

+ + +

ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS + TO ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES + NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS + SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.

+ +

THE COMPLIMENT.

+ +

We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But + there is another man with a grievance whom I rather like, and + this is his story. I must, of course, let him tell it in the + first-person-singular, because otherwise what is the use of + having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular narrative + form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.

+ +

"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as + an ordinary seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and + being perhaps not too physically vigorous and having a certain + rhetorical gift, developed at the Union, I was told off, after + some months' training, to take part in a recruiting campaign. + We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter awakened the + neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his + coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew + round. One by one we mounted whatever rostrum there was—a + drinking fountain, say—and spoke our little piece, urging + the claims of country.

+ +

"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old + men; but we did our best.

+ +

"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a + public building, and then the proceedings were more formal and + pretentious. The trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would + open the ball. The occasion of which I am thinking was one of + these meetings in the East End, where the Chairman was a local + tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and that + England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; + he told the audience how many of his relations were fighting; + and then he made way for our gallant boys in blue who were to + address the company.

+ +

"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of + the orators, and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He + said how much he had enjoyed the speeches and how much he hoped + that they would bear good fruit; and indeed he felt confident + of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are plain + straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, + and we would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who + 'ave been talking to us this evening, than any fine Oxford + gentleman.'"

+ +

That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, + now I come to think about it again, and his manner of telling + it, I'm not sure I ought not rather to call him a man with a + triumph.

+ +

+ "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar + cheesemaking for 1 month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated + as family."—Bristol Times and Mirror. +

+ +

A little less than kin and more than kine.

+ +

+
"Washington, Thursday.
+

+ +

+ The representatives of thirty leading American railways + have agreed virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of + freight for export until the present congestion on the + eastern sideboard is relieved."—Evening + Standard. +

+ +

This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are + concerned about is the depletion of our own sideboard.

+ +

From an official advertisement in favour of + tillage:—

+ +

+ "An acre of Oats will
+       feed for a week . . 100 + people.
+ An acre of Potatoes . . 200   "
+   "     " +    of Beef       . + . +    8    "    "— + Irish Times. +

+ +

We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility + for the last statement.

+ [pg 145] + +

+ +

Father. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN + SMITHERS, THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. + AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"

+ +

Hopeful. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT—IT'S + HEREDITARY."

+ +

THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.

+ +

A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.

+ +

Long ages ere the Age of Man,

+ +

While yet this earthly crust was + thinnish,

+ +

The War of Might and Right began,

+ +

Proceeding swiftly to a finish;

+ +

And this provides in many ways

+ +

An object-lesson nowadays.

+ +

The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,

+ +

Shone with a most attractive lustre;

+ +

Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail—

+ +

They pinned their faith to bulk and + bluster;

+ +

They laid their eggs in every land

+ +

And hid them deftly in the sand.

+ +

The Mammals, small as yet and few,

+ +

Relying less on scales and muscles,

+ +

Developed diaphragms, and grew

+ +

Non-nucleated red corpuscles;

+ +

They walked more nimbly on their legs

+ +

And learnt the art of sucking eggs.

+ +

The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,

+ +

Went off in high explosive fashion;

+ +

They lashed themselves to left and right

+ +

Into a pre-historic passion;

+ +

The Mammals, on the other hand,

+ +

Ate all their eggs up in the sand.

+ +

Those precious eggs, a source of pride

+ +

On which the Saurian hopes depended,

+ +

Kept all their enemies supplied

+ +

With life by which their own was + ended;

+ +

And where they fondly hoped to spread

+ +

The Mammals lived and throve instead.

+ +

And so the Saurians passed from view,

+ +

Leaving behind the faintest traces,

+ +

No longer bent on hacking through,

+ +

Though looking still for sunny + places;

+ +

Dwarfed to a more convenient size

+ +

They spend their time in catching flies.

+ +

The Non-Stop Linguist.

+ +

+ "To O.C. . . . From . . . Brigade. —— Corps + requires services of an officer who can speak Italian + fluently for four or five days." +

+ +

+ "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' + Fancy Dress Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main + Street. No Gentlemen. No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in + mail attire."—Bulawayo Chronicle. +

+ +

In their "knighties," so to speak?

+ +

Another Impending Apology.

+ +

+ "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before + them which it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to + reach as soon as possible."—Congleton + Chronicle. +

+ +

+ "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and + his type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"—Munsey's Magazine. +

+ +

Another case of the Hidden Hand.

+ +

+ "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 + tons, reason sale, requires care when taken out of + harness."—Birmingham Daily Mail. +

+ +

Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on + getting rid of a master of that weight.

+ +

+ "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken + run."—Enfield Gazette. +

+ +

Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.

+ +

+ "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.—Special + Lecture—'The Great War Novel, Mr. Bristling Sees it + Through.'"—Glasgow Evening News. +

+ +

Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.

+ [pg 146] + +

HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.

+ +

"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord + DEVONPORT?"

+ +

"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living + under his ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank + you."

+ +

"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or + twice. It seems to consist very largely of rissoles and that + kind of food."

+ +

"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, + you'd soon get tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every + day."

+ +

"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak + would always be a joy to me."

+ +

"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really + like their eatables tough."

+ +

"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."

+ +

"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"

+ +

"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's + there, which is a great help when you're being rationed."

+ +

"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women + don't care for that feeling. They like their food light but + stimulating."

+ +

"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one + tray and at irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them + a sort of wicked abundance. To a man it is—"

+ +

"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to + tighten your belt even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't + known you were being rationed you'd never have found it + out."

+ +

"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have + suffered this last week in the matter of beefsteaks and that + kind of food are the worst that can happen to us we shan't have + much to complain of—but I should like a chop to-night + instead of a rissole."

+ +

"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a + cutlet."

+ +

"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much + as we might for Lord DEVONPORT."

+ +

"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the + stable-yard."

+ +

"Hens? What do you know about hens?"

+ +

"For the matter of that, what do you?"

+ +

"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all + the same. I know that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and + that they never lay any eggs unless you put a china egg in + their nest just to coax them along and rouse their ambition. + Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff Orpingtons + can see it?"

+ +

"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems + to think that if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or + so the laying of eggs will be promoted. Won't you go round with + him next time?"

+ +

"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm + not going to begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already + said they never lay eggs even when you don't watch them."

+ +

"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."

+ +

"Francesca," I said, "this is exciting. Did the happy + mother announce the event to the world in the usual way?"

+ +

"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a + quarter-of-an-hour, and Frederick came along and seized the + subject of her rejoicing. You're going to have it to-night, + boiled, instead of soup and fish."

+ +

"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon + be self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord + DEVONPORT."

+ +

"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up + hen-keeper ever does. Besides, it's our duty to help the + Government all we can, so that Lord DEVONPORT may have so much + more to play with."

+ +

"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't + strike me as being that kind of man at all."

+ +

"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."

+ +

"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's + chin-deep in his work."

+ +

"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're + pulling up the herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, + and that we've started keeping hens, and that we've already got + one egg, and that when the time comes we shall not lack for + chicken, roast or boiled."

+ +

"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to + the tragedies which are inseparable from the possession of Buff + Orpingtons? In the morning a young bird struts about in his + pride, resolved to live his life fearlessly and to salute the + dawn at any and every hour before the break of day. Then + something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally + ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible + struggle; a neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is + chicken for dinner."

+ +

"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to + countermand your egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make + a real friend of a fowl. They've got such silly ways and their + eyes are so beady."

+ +

"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than + our Mrs. Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of + propriety, while they—no matter; I hope the chicken when + its moment comes will be tender and succulent."

+ +

"Hark!" said Francesca.

+ +

"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and + there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, + to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can + have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,—I mean + cutlet."

+ +

"No," she said.

+ +

"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."

+ +

R.C.L.

+ +

ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.

+ +

I remember a day when I felt quite tall

+ +

Because of a gift of five whole + shillings;

+ +

I was Johnson major then, I recall,

+ +

And didn't I swank and put on + frillings!

+ +

Well, we know that children are parents of men;

+ +

And, now that I'm getting an ancient + stager,

+ +

Here am I pleased with a crown again,

+ +

And signing myself as Johnson, Major.

+ +

+ "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no + washing; would take England."—Irish Times. +

+ +

The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.

+ +

+ "During the night an enemy raiding party in the + neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage + before reaching our line."—Continental Daily + Mail. +

+ +

There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, + and now the Trunks.

+ +

+ "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for + about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its + course is almost due South for about the same distance. + Then against the stream it goes due North for about the + same distance."—Glasgow Citizen. +

+ +

With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General + MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success.

+ [pg 147] + +

She: You know, there's something rather nice about Mr. Thomkins-Smith.

+ + +

She (referring to host). "YOU KNOW, + THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. + THOMKINS-SMITH."

+ +

He. "YES—I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."

+ +

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

+ +

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.)

+ +

War and the Future (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is + not a sustained thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of + epigram about the War as he has seen it on the French, Italian + and British fronts, and has thought about it in peaceful Essex. + A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing of the Effigy," + suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long + series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which + has included Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the + First—and Third. In the light of the new time we see the + emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, on the + other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without + fuss and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly + well. There is some particularly interesting matter about + aeroplane work, and the writer betrays a keen distress lest the + cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old school should make + them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the airmen in + the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of + organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, + to which the devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; + but I doubt if he quite makes his point here. And finally this + swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a vision which he has seen of + a new world-wide interrelated republicanism founded on a + recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book + down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate + conversation with a very interesting fellow-traveller.

+ +

Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present + spendthrift course, whatever Board controls the consumption of + paper will have to put him on half rations. I believe that his + literary health would benefit enormously by such a + régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the + almost six hundred pages of In the Wilderness (METHUEN), + and it persists, strengthened now that I have turned the last, + of them. Here is a direct and moving tragedy of three lives, + much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog of superfluous + words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows + the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely + divergent types of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather + than Mr. HICHENS, should be blamed for the fact that the + unmoral Cynthia is many times more interesting than the + virtuous but slightly fatiguing Rosamund. The former is + indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none + the less sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, + however, her success is to some extent due to contrast; for + certainly both Rosamund and Dion, the husband + whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody all the + worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you + know what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility + to surroundings, which renders them so fluid that often the + scenery seems to push them about. It is this, coupled with the + author's own lingering pleasure in a romantic setting, that + delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the book, over + long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the + skill of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at + his best.

+ [pg 148] + +

Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON + HUTTEN I am glad to say that I consider Magpie + (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a long time since I + read a happier or more holding story. The title is a punning + one, as the heroine's name is really Margaret Pye, but I + am more than willing to overlook this for the sake of the + pleasantly-drawn young woman to whom it refers and the general + interest of the tale. Briefly, this has two movements, one + forward, which deals with the evolution of Mag from a + fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the + charming young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and + concerned with the mystery of a wonderful artist who has + disappeared before the story opens. I have no idea of clearing + up, or even further indicating, this problem to you. But I will + say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect orgy + of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little + breathless. Of course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a + baker's dozen of glaring improbabilities; but I am much + mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for that. A quaint + personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the cast + of Pinkie and the Fairies on its revival) might well + seem an impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of + superiority that rewards the well-informed. But I can assure + Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is all wrong about the acting of + that particular part.

+ +

As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of + periodical publications, I ought to say that the case of The + New Europe (CONSTABLE), whose first completed volume lies + before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' experience of + journalism I never remember a paper containing so much + "meat"—some of it pretty strong meat, too—in + proportion to its size. In hardly a single week since its first + issue in October last have I failed to find between its + tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me information + that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of + something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it + there are many other writers—and even, perhaps, some + statesmen—who have enjoyed the same experience. Dr. + SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who march under + his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, + for example, that Austria est delenda may prove the only + or the best prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs + of South-Eastern Europe), but they always furnish the reader + with the facts enabling him to test their conclusions; and that + in these times is a great merit. My own feeling is that if they + had begun their concerted labours a few years earlier the War + might never have happened; or at least we should have gone into + it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the + Central Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating + them. The tragedies of Serbia and Roumania would almost + certainly have been averted.

+ +

I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find + Frailty (CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope + of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S story, sufficiently indicated by its + title, does not admit of humorous relief. But it is both + vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on Charles + Ley that, after heroically curing himself of the drug + habit, he should marry the girl of his choice only to find her + a victim to strong drink. But of course, had this not happened, + the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S tale would have been weakened by + half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the author knows when to + stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, thereby + avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) + plunged the entire cast of Danesbury House into a flood + of alcohol. Not that Miss WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; + she can rise unusually to the demands of a situation, and I + have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than those + that depict the gradual conquest of Charles by the + cocaine fiend, and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. + Here the "strong" writing seemed to me both natural and in + place; ever so much more convincing therefore than when + employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts whether, even + in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone + was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was + Charles when he carried off his chosen mate from a + small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. Fortunately the other + parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it + emphatically a book not to be missed.

+ +

Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much + delightful information that he tries to ration himself to so + many pages per day. This is what I resolved to do with In + the Northern Mists (HODDER AND STOUGHTON); but I could not + keep to my resolution, so attractive was the fare. These + sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed + with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a + sailor you will learn a lot from this admirable theologian + about the men and methods and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. + His book fills me with pride; yet I dare not express it for + fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior service. + So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies + are due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation + of his book. But he seems human enough to pardon the more + venial sins.

+ +

A CASE FOR RATIONING.

+ +

"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I + SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS HIM WARM."

+ +

"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS + RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES + OUT."

+ +

+ "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope + Gill, barely three months old, who subscribed the whole of + his life's savings. He arrived at the bank with his mother, + and there was poured out before the astonished gaze of the + officials four hundred threepenny pieces."—Weekly + Dispatch. +

+ +

We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it + should have compelled him to go into liquidation.

+ + + + + + + +

+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
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+ + + diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/133.png b/old/14639-h/images/133.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..507502f Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/133.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/135.png b/old/14639-h/images/135.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d52165a Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/135.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/136.png b/old/14639-h/images/136.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9031dbb Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/136.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/137.png b/old/14639-h/images/137.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa182a2 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/137.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/139.png b/old/14639-h/images/139.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..23b3954 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/139.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/140.png b/old/14639-h/images/140.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6221a16 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/140.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/141.png b/old/14639-h/images/141.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b89c66 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/141.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/142.png b/old/14639-h/images/142.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..46f504d Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/142.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/143.png b/old/14639-h/images/143.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ebe723 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/143.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/144.png b/old/14639-h/images/144.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a35675 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/144.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/145.png b/old/14639-h/images/145.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9da8d6 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/145.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/147.png b/old/14639-h/images/147.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd126a6 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/147.png differ diff --git a/old/14639-h/images/148.png b/old/14639-h/images/148.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..020e2e4 Binary files /dev/null and b/old/14639-h/images/148.png differ -- cgit v1.2.3

PUNCH, + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 152.

February 28th, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

THE PAPER SHORTAGE.

A Felicitous Juxtaposition.

TO GERMANIA

FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.

THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.

A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.

THE RETORT CELESTIAL.

SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.

WEATHER-VANES.

AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.

Result of the Blockade.

The Super-Submarine.

THE MISSING LEADER.

A Work of Supererogation.

INFORMATION WANTED.

What to do with Our Dogs.

BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.

PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.

A Prophet of Evil.

THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.

WHO FOLLOWS?

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.

THE COMPLIMENT.

THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.

The Non-Stop Linguist.

Another Impending Apology.

HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.

ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

A CASE FOR RATIONING.

PUNCH,
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.