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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14639-0.txt b/14639-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88329fd --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1582 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +February 28th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the +thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this +is impossible. + + *** + +It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having +misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, +we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British. + + *** + +In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a +fine musician and his execution is good." It would be. + + *** + +[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE. + +_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT +FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA +MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."] + + *** + +No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the +beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the +liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the +awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing. + + *** + +Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised. +Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman. + + *** + +According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued +for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly +the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were +permitted to growl. + + *** + +A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one +years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not +thought that he did it purposely. + + *** + +At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine +children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There +seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now +fairly well advertised. + + *** + +Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most +ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is +foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style. + + *** + +Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a +day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to +compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts. + + *** + +"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do +not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar +sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s. + + *** + +"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate +in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to +hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time. + + *** + +The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two +thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus +which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers. + + *** + +Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food +tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food. + + *** + +The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water +Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already +hoisted his bargee. + + *** + +Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a +news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three +months ago nothing could have averted a General Election. + + *** + +A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which +fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being +done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of +ostentatious patriotism. + + *** + +_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in +the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church +magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy. + + *** + +Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their +customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green +peas and rolling them home. + + *** + +"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing +from the table." We have often noticed it do so. + + *** + +"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch +women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in +warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a +time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives. + + *** + +A Felicitous Juxtaposition. + + "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL. + COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_. + + *** + + "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls. + + *** + + "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the + battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg + Daily Mail_. + +Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest. + + *** + +The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?" + + * * * * * + +TO GERMANIA + +FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON. + +_Air_--"To Althæa from Prison." + + When Peace with wide and shining wings + Invades this warring isle, + And my beloved Germania brings + Wearing her largest smile; + When close about her waist I coil + And mouth to mouth apply, + Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When round the No-Conscription board + The wines of Rhineland flow, + And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared + To toast the _status quo_; + When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl + Our happy tears run dry, + Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When sausages and sauerkraut + Fulfil the air with spice, + And loosened tongues the praise shall shout + Of Peace-at-any-price; + When German weeds our lips employ + And hearts are full and high, + Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy, + Will be more pleased than I. + + Stone walls do not my feet confine + Nor yet a barbed-wire cage; + I talk at large and claim as mine + The freeman's heritage; + And, if this wicked War but end + Ere German hopes can die, + Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend, + Will be more pleased than I. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BROKEN SOLDIERS. + +"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much +as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the +parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded +crutches. + +"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with +her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course +it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as +yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner. + +"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a +box of broken soldiers?" + +The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with +condescension, to inquire. + +"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother. + +"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still. + +"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?" + +"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already," +answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver +badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty +cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date +soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both +legs. + +"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver +badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be +understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign. + +"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to +be broken?" + +"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh. + +"Why did Dick?" I persisted. + +"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father +objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite +rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was +more disappointed still." + +"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested. + +"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know. +She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing +them." + +"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty +together again," I said. + +"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela. + +"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I +remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us +clamorously in the hall. + +"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick. + +"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my +pocket and handed it over. + +"Is that all?" demanded Alice. + +"There's one more," I said. + +"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very +nicely as she took my arm. + +"No, that's for me," she said. + + * * * * * + +A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA. + +The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel. +The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the +rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters +washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a +good-sized town lay there. + +I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some +difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it +open, entered. + +A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer +was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman. +His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his +garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each +side of him stood an armed guard. + +"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly. + +"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head +high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and +yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as +if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream. + +"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no +alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out +at dawn. Remove the prisoner." + +The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling +with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he +bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was +marched away. + +The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I +ever had on my ship." + +He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of +unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to +the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL. + +[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on +account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed +an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER. + +_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE." + +_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO +TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."] + + * * * * * + +WEATHER-VANES. + +It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the +situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his +hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who +was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink +form. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read. + +"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with +East in it). "Give me the message book." + +Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun +sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next +message. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W." + +"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork. +"Which way _is_ the wind then?" + +The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened +forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways +it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in +his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any +wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The +responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade +on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there +must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language, +went to sleep. + +In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who +broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second +poached egg. + +"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the +limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be +done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will +you?" + +Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of +it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time. +People have been known to pass things to them unasked.) + +"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff +Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the +ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They +aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the +old woman told me." + +"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.) +"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will +let you--they're in there now, aren't they?" + +"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the +Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse." + +"Why?" said the General. + +"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all +after dinner." + +"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot." + + * * * * * + +"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!" + +"I brought the vanes, Sir." + +"Have any trouble?" + +"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was +true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of +interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them +behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..." + +"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the +main thing." + +"Where will you have one put, Sir?" + +"In the fields," said the B.M. + +"Not too low," said the Captain. + +"Or too high," said Signals. + +"Or too far away," said the attached officer. + +"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney." + +They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly +dug-in. + + * * * * * + +"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning. + +"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the +vernacular). "Where's our vane?" + +"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--" + +"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major +(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright +and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle. + +"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this +is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He +touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O. + +"Paralysed," said the B.M. + +"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain. + +"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the +O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one). + +"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!" + +A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a +handkerchief. + +"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!" + +The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one). + +"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!" + +"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute." + +"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!" + +"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff +Captain. + +"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M. + +I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to +moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)." + +"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite +perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit +slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a +bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right." + +"Yes, Sir," said the O.O. + +"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off. + +"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots, +"and on m-me!" + + * * * * * + +The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three +days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers, +who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane +was working. + +"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?" + +"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since +he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the +interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the +pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir, +tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's +quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it, +and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the +wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--" + +"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness, +"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here +to-morrow; the division's going back." + +The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and +bitter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER. + +_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE +FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--" + +_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"] + + * * * * * + +Result of the Blockade. + +Notice on a railway bookstall:-- + +"MEN AROUND THE KAISER. +MUCH REDUCED." + + * * * * * + + "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was + Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite + harmless."--_Daily News_. + +Obviously an impostor. + + * * * * * + + "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates + celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire + Herald_. + +What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless +phrase. + + * * * * * + +The Super-Submarine. + + "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which + boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then + authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_. + + * * * * * + +Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:-- + + "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and + taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_. + +We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next +season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for +eightpence or so. + + * * * * * + +THE MISSING LEADER. + + What is Master WINSTON doing? + What new paths is he pursuing? + What strange broth can he be brewing? + + Is he painting, by commission, + Portraits of the Coalition + For the R.A. exhibition? + + Is he Jacky-obin or anti? + Is he likely to "go Fanti," + Or becoming shrewd and canty? + + Is he in disguise at Kovel, + Living in a moujik's hovel, + Making a tremendous novel? + + Does he run a photo-play show? + Or in _sæva indignatio_ + Is he writing for HORATIO? + + Fired by the divine afflatus + Does he weekly lacerate us, + Like a Juvenal _renatus?_ + + As the great financial purist, + Will he smite the sinecurist + Or emerge as a Futurist? + + Is he regularly sending + HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending, + Good advice with censure blending? + + Is he ploughing, is he hoeing? + Is he planting beet, or going + In for early 'tato-growing? + + Is he writing verse or prosing, + Or intent upon disclosing + Gifts for musical composing? + + Is he lecturing to flappers? + Is he tunnelling with sappers? + Has he joined the U-boat trappers? + + Or, to petrify recorders + Of events within our borders, + _Has he taken Holy Orders?_ + + Is he well or ill or middling? + Is he fighting, is he fiddling?-- + He can't only be thumb-twiddling. + + These are merely dim surmises, + But experience advises + Us to look for weird surprises, + Somersaults, and strange disguises. + + * * * * * + + Thus we summed the situation + When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration + Brought about a transformation. + + Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges + On a sudden re-emerges + And, to calm the naval _gurges_, + FISHER'S restoration urges. + + * * * * * + +A Work of Supererogation. + + "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our + G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing + Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +INFORMATION WANTED. + +No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a +law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask +everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask +casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are +so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem, +and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like +chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an +answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an +inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did +someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to +be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or +is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as +to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I +knew these things. + +Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising +out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so +many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in +the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest +against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every +performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in +Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day +by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of +Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary +visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but +enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but +no one tells me the one thing I want to know. + +Perhaps YOU can. + +I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want +to know what would happen if we did. + + * * * * * + +What to do with Our Dogs. + + "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now. + Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_. + + * * * * * + + "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too +extravagant in these times. + + * * * * * + +BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT. + + This scheme of keeping rabbits + To fatten them as food + Breaks up the kindly habits + Acquired in babyhood; + For we, as youthful scions, + Were taught to love the dears + And bring them dandelions + And lift them by the ears. + + We learned how each new litter + That came to Flip or Fan + Grew finer and grew fitter + With tea-leaves in the bran; + We learned which stalks were milky + And which were merely tough, + What grass was good for Silky + And what was good for Fluff. + + Such moral mild up-bringing + Now makes me much distressed + When little necks need wringing + And little paws protest, + Lest wraiths from empty hutches + Should haunt me, hung in pairs, + And ghosts--'tis here it touches-- + Of happy Belgian hares. + + However, with my morals + I manfully shall cope, + And back my country's quarrels, + But none the less I hope + Before poor Bunny's taken + As stuff for knife and fork + The hedge-hog will be bacon, + The guinea-pig be pork. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES. + +The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women +taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be +required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As, +however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, +we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a +more general character:-- + +(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able +to fling a pint of London mud? + +(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much? + +(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the +following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania. + +(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be +employed? + +(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman, +wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare +plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of +this generosity. + +(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the +Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly. + +(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and +serviceable uniform for a lady-driver. + +(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection-- + + "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"? + "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"? + +(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two +spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a +single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well? + +(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do +you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at +that time? + +(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction +to "The Palace" from-- + + (a) The PRIME MINISTER? + (b) The Bishop of LONDON? + (c) Any Second-Lieutenant? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant +in Gramophone Department_). + +"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' +I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION +WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"] + + * * * * * + +A PROPHET OF EVIL. + + "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. + + 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily + Chronicle_." + + * * * * * + +From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:-- + + "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all + parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be + available before the opening day." + +You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the +insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST +UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS +TO TAKE NO NOTICE." + +_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS +TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +THE ACTING BOMBARDIER. + + When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road + An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine, + The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load + Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine. + When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse + And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear, + The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across + Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too, + Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows; + They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew + An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s; + An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell, + An' the full edition's poured into the ear + Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well), + The man with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon, + The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea, + The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon, + The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.; + The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard, + The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer, + An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard + Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier. + + Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night, + Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow, + An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright + ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know"); + An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun, + An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day; + An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun + Accompany one stripe (without the pay). + + But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie, + Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot; + Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree + To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot; + The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank, + An' little changes means a step up 'ere, + So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank, + I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS. + +{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) } +{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_) } + +"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."] + +_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that +the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven +hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I +did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good +sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous +to the State. + +Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially +represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might +assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be +prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to +the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have +retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace +Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative. + +There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private +room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the +advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to +the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the +Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries +merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a +branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in +the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S +objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into +contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them +confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will +shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in. + +_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the +War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering +their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary +gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which +gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when +he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off +his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling +reply. + +This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen +times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the +refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery" +to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures +effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the +Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of +one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches +put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to +reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had +to intervene to stop the treatment. + +The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway +advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable +peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which +stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. +PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless +case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely, +but was more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by Mr. RONALD +M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in +the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a +cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who +sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support. + +_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews +of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; +and when the authors of the Turkish _communiqués_ hear of it they are +expected to put in a similar claim. + +Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell +us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had +almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and +conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They +and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, +now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, +discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of +the Senior Service. + +He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the +Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could +he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had +already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON +CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been +lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly +misinformed or highly imaginative. + +_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the +SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. +LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the +wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to +be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and +called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he +substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger +of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that +"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's +purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in +which it was offered. + +Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a +disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home +Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., +for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the +good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill +that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless. + +_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of +tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before +very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the +burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have +a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to +be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and +the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good +many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the +prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what +they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID +MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S +absence, was soon talking to empty benches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU +HAVE TO JOIN UP?" + +_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO +SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO +ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS +TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.] + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLIMENT. + +We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another +man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of +course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise +what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular +narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen. + +"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary +seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too +physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the +Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a +recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter +awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his +coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one +we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke +our little piece, urging the claims of country. + +"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we +did our best. + +"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public +building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The +trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of +which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the +Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and +that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told +the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way +for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company. + +"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators, +and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed +the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and +indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are +plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we +would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to +us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'" + +That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to +think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought +not rather to call him a man with a triumph. + + * * * * * + + "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1 + month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times + and Mirror_. + +A little less than kin and more than kine. + + * * * * * + + "Washington, Thursday. + + The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed + virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export + until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is + relieved."--_Evening Standard_. + +This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is +the depletion of our own sideboard. + + * * * * * + +From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:-- + + "An acre of Oats will + feed for a week . . 100 people. + An acre of Potatoes . 200 " + " " of Beef . . 8 " "--_Irish Times_. + +We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last +statement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS, +THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?" + +_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."] + + * * * * * + +THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR. + +A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES. + + Long ages ere the Age of Man, + While yet this earthly crust was thinnish, + The War of Might and Right began, + Proceeding swiftly to a finish; + And this provides in many ways + An object-lesson nowadays. + + The Saurians, clad in coats of mail, + Shone with a most attractive lustre; + Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail-- + They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster; + They laid their eggs in every land + And hid them deftly in the sand. + + The Mammals, small as yet and few, + Relying less on scales and muscles, + Developed diaphragms, and grew + Non-nucleated red corpuscles; + They walked more nimbly on their legs + And learnt the art of sucking eggs. + + The Saurians, spoiling for a fight, + Went off in high explosive fashion; + They lashed themselves to left and right + Into a pre-historic passion; + The Mammals, on the other hand, + Ate all their eggs up in the sand. + + Those precious eggs, a source of pride + On which the Saurian hopes depended, + Kept all their enemies supplied + With life by which their own was ended; + And where they fondly hoped to spread + The Mammals lived and throve instead. + + And so the Saurians passed from view, + Leaving behind the faintest traces, + No longer bent on hacking through, + Though looking still for sunny places; + Dwarfed to a more convenient size + They spend their time in catching flies. + + * * * * * + +THE NON-STOP LINGUIST. + + "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an + officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days." + + * * * * * + + "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress + Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen. + No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo + Chronicle_. + +In their "knighties," so to speak? + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which + it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as + possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his + type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_. + +Another case of the Hidden Hand. + + * * * * * + + "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason + sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily + Mail_. + +Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a +master of that weight. + + * * * * * + + "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield + Gazette_. + +Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours. + + * * * * * + + "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr. + Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_. + +Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this. + + * * * * * + +HELPING LORD DEVONPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?" + +"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his +ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you." + +"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems +to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food." + +"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get +tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day." + +"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a +joy to me." + +"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their +eatables tough." + +"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know." + +"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?" + +"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a +great help when you're being rationed." + +"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for +that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating." + +"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at +irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked +abundance. To a man it is--" + +"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt +even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed +you'd never have found it out." + +"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last +week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that +can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a +chop to-night instead of a rissole." + +"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet." + +"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for +Lord DEVONPORT." + +"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard." + +"Hens? What do you know about hens?" + +"For the matter of that, what do you?" + +"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know +that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs +unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse +their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff +Orpingtons can see it?" + +"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that +if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will +be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?" + +"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to +begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs +even when you don't watch them." + +"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning." + +"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the +event to the world in the usual way?" + +"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and +Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going +to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish." + +"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be +self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT." + +"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever +does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that +Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with." + +"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as +being that kind of man at all." + +"I daresay he plays in his off-hours." + +"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his +work." + +"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the +herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started +keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time +comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled." + +"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies +which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the +morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life +fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of +day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally +ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a +neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner." + +"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your +egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl. +They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady." + +"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs. +Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no +matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and +succulent." + +"Hark!" said Francesca. + +"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick +rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too +late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my +chop,--I mean cutlet." + +"No," she said. + +"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK. + + I remember a day when I felt quite tall + Because of a gift of five whole shillings; + I was Johnson major then, I recall, + And didn't I swank and put on frillings! + + Well, we know that children are parents of men; + And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager, + Here am I pleased with a crown again, + And signing myself as Johnson, Major. + + * * * * * + + "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would + take England."--_Irish Times_. + +The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam. + + * * * * * + + "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of + Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our + line."--_Continental Daily Mail_. + +There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the +Trunks. + + * * * * * + + "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four + miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South + for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North + for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves +all the greater credit for his success. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING +RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH." + +_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained +thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he +has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought +about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing +of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long +series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included +Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the +new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, +on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss +and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is +some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer +betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old +school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the +airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of +organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the +devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite +makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a +vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism +founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book +down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with +a very interesting fellow-traveller. + + * * * * * + +Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course, +whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on +half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously +by such a régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six +hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists, +strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and +moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog +of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows +the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types +of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be +blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more +interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former +is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less +sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success +is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and +_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody +all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know +what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings, +which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them +about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a +romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the +book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill +of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best. + + * * * * * + +Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad +to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a +long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a +punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more +than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young +woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this +has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_ +from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming +young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the +mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I +have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to +you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect +orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of +course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring +improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for +that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the +cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an +impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that +rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is +all wrong about the acting of that particular part. + + * * * * * + +As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications, +I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first +completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' +experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much +"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In +hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to +find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me +information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of +something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are +many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the +same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who +march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, +for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best +prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern +Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to +test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own +feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years +earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone +into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central +Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies +of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted. + + * * * * * + +I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_ +(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S +story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous +relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on +_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he +should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong +drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S +tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the +author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, +thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged +the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss +WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of +a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than +those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend, +and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing +seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing +therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts +whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone +was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he +carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. +Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it +emphatically a book not to be missed. + + * * * * * + +Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful +information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This +is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the +fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed +with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you +will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods +and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare +not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior +service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are +due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But +he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING. + +"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS +HIM WARM." + +"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS +CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely + three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He + arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before + the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny + pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_. + +We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have +compelled him to go into liquidation. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 *** diff --git a/14639-h/14639-h.htm b/14639-h/14639-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4445dd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/14639-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2229 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 28th, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 28th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3> + + <p>One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute + horror at the thought of being prematurely buried. Several + experts however say that this is impossible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF + BAVARIA of having misunderstood an order, thus losing + Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, we understand, retorted + that the real culprits were the British.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the <i>Cologne + Gazette</i> says, "He is a fine musician and his execution is + good." It would be.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="450" + src="images/133.png" + alt="The paper shortage." /></a> + + <h4>THE PAPER SHORTAGE.</h4> + + <p><i>News Editor of</i> "<i>Daily Bugle Blast</i>." "JUST + TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, + PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA MUST APPRISE WORLD + THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."</p> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost + since the beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has + been received with the liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat + commanders who have been in the awkward predicament of not + knowing whether they were officially missing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United + States disguised. Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an + officer and a gentleman.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone + tickets are issued for making soup, but the bone must be + returned to the authorities. Possibly the hardship of the + procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were permitted + to growl.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he + was forty-one years old, and only missed the age-limit by + eighteen hours. It is not thought that he did it purposely.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated + that he had nine children, but upon counting them again he + discovered that he had ten. There seems to be no excuse for + this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now fairly well + advertised.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It + is a most ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." + This, of course, is foolish talk, for the lady has not seen + next season's style.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more + than one cigar a day to a customer. To conserve the supply + still further it is proposed to compel the tobacconist to offer + each customer the alternative of nuts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, + M.P., "I do not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been + known to express similar sentiments upon sighting certain + M.P.'s.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a + London magistrate in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing + how some policeman are able to hold them up without assistance + for several seconds at a time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, + will be over two thousand. It is still hoped, however, that + there may be a small surplus which can be devoted to the needs + of disabled soldiers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing + counterfeit food tickets. The defence will presumably be that + it wasn't real food.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the + Inland Water Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we + understand, has already hoisted his bargee.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from + China, says a news item, and will be used for confectionery. + Had they arrived three months ago nothing could have averted a + General Election.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid + an egg which fetched 35<i>s.</i> In the best hen circles, where + steady silent work is being done, there is a growing tendency + to frown upon these isolated acts of ostentatious + patriotism.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Times</i>, it seems, has not published a complete + list of its rivals in the desperate struggle for the smallest + circulation. A Finchley Church magazine has increased its price + to 1½<i>d.</i> a copy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in + Bangor, and their customers are patriotically assisting this + economy by unpodding their green peas and rolling them + home.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is + fast disappearing from the table." We have often noticed it do + so.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the <i>Berliner + Tageblatt</i>, "to watch women-folk walking beside their + half-starved dogs. There is no room in warfare for dogs." We + have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a time when + one half the dachshund does not know how the other half + lives.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>A Felicitous Juxtaposition.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.<br /> + COL. —— LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."—<i>Lincoln + Leader</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in + fowls.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome + after the battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from + Kiel."—<i>Johannesburg Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the + roughest.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <h3>TO GERMANIA</h3> + + <h4>FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>Air</i>—"To Althæa from + Prison."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Peace with wide and shining wings</p> + + <p class="i2">Invades this warring isle,</p> + + <p>And my beloved Germania brings</p> + + <p class="i2">Wearing her largest smile;</p> + + <p>When close about her waist I coil</p> + + <p class="i2">And mouth to mouth apply,</p> + + <p>Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When round the No-Conscription board</p> + + <p class="i2">The wines of Rhineland flow,</p> + + <p>And many a rousing <i>Hoch!</i> is roared</p> + + <p class="i2">To toast the <i>status quo</i>;</p> + + <p>When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl</p> + + <p class="i2">Our happy tears run dry,</p> + + <p>Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When sausages and sauerkraut</p> + + <p class="i2">Fulfil the air with spice,</p> + + <p>And loosened tongues the praise shall shout</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Peace-at-any-price;</p> + + <p>When German weeds our lips employ</p> + + <p class="i2">And hearts are full and high,</p> + + <p>Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Stone walls do not my feet confine</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;</p> + + <p>I talk at large and claim as mine</p> + + <p class="i2">The freeman's heritage;</p> + + <p>And, if this wicked War but end</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere German hopes can die,</p> + + <p>Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.</h3> + + <p>"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, + "you've got as much as you can carry." Unfortunately it was + impossible to relieve her of the parcels as I had all my work + cut out to manipulate those confounded crutches.</p> + + <p>"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading + the way with her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not + frightfully tired." Of course it seemed ridiculous, but I had + not been out of hospital many days, and as yet I had not grown + used to stumping about in this manner.</p> + + <p>"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such + a thing as a box of broken soldiers?"</p> + + <p>The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, + but offered, with condescension, to inquire.</p> + + <p>"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's + youngest brother.</p> + + <p>"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, + younger still.</p> + + <p>"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"</p> + + <p>"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large + boxes already," answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a + frock coat, with a silver badge on the right lapel, "For + Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty cardboard box, and + in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date + soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had + lost both legs.</p> + + <p>"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man + with the silver badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic + pocket. It seemed to be understood that they and I had been + knocked out in the same campaign.</p> + + <p>"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want + the soldiers to be broken?"</p> + + <p>"I—I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.</p> + + <p>"Why did Dick?" I persisted.</p> + + <p>"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You + see, Father objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new + ones. Dick was quite rebellious. He wanted to know what he was + to do for wounded; and Alice was more disappointed still."</p> + + <p>"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," + I suggested.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross + nurse, you know. She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She + only thinks of healing them."</p> + + <p>"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put + Humpty Dumpty together again," I said.</p> + + <p>"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.</p> + + <p>"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you + as well," I remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely + forgotten until they met us clamorously in the hall.</p> + + <p>"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.</p> + + <p>"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper + parcel from my pocket and handed it over.</p> + + <p>"Is that all?" demanded Alice.</p> + + <p>"There's one more," I said.</p> + + <p>"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and + smiled very nicely as she took my arm.</p> + + <p>"No, that's for me," she said.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.</h3> + + <p>The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over + the Channel. The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, + and, leaning over the rail, it was with difficulty that I could + distinguish the dark waters washing below. Shore-ward I could + see nothing, though I knew that a good-sized town lay + there.</p> + + <p>I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my + feet with some difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way + to a door and, pushing it open, entered.</p> + + <p>A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of + a naval officer was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall + well-set-up young seaman. His dishevelled head was hatless, but + otherwise he looked trim, and his garments fitted him better + than a seaman's garments generally do. On each side of him + stood an armed guard.</p> + + <p>"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer + sternly.</p> + + <p>"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He + held his head high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire + his courageous bearing, and yet there was an air of unreality + about the whole thing. I felt almost as if I were dreaming it, + but I knew that this was not a dream.</p> + + <p>"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the + officer. "I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. + The sentence will be carried out at dawn. Remove the + prisoner."</p> + + <p>The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be + struggling with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself + to silence. Then he bowed his head, and, turning, placed + himself between the guards and was marched away.</p> + + <p>The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's + the best man I ever had on my ship."</p> + + <p>He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange + sense of unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the + Third Act of <i>True to the Death</i>, a melodrama in the + pavilion at the end of the pier.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="675" + src="images/135.png" + alt="The Retort Celestial." /></a> + + <h2>THE RETORT CELESTIAL.</h2> + + <p>[China has threatened to break off relations with the + German Government on account of its barbarity. It will be + recalled that the KAISER once designed an allegorical + picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="675" + src="images/136.png" + alt="Sauce for the Gander." /></a> + + <h3>SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.</h3> + + <p><i>Grocer</i>. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, + PLEASE."</p> + + <p><i>Waitress</i> (<i>late grocer's assistant</i>). + "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, + SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WEATHER-VANES.</h3> + + <p>It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly + chorus, and the situation reports were coming in from the + battalions in the line. With his hair sizzling in the flame of + the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who was on duty for the + night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink + form.</p> + + <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.</p> + + <p>"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits + upon a wind with East in it). "Give me the message book."</p> + + <p>Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and + machine gun sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then + he turned to the next message.</p> + + <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."</p> + + <p>"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless + handiwork. "Which way <i>is</i> the wind then?"</p> + + <p>The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a + moistened forefinger and the information that it was "blowing + acrossways, leastways it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of + his little wire bed, searched in his pyjamas for the North + Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any wind at all + (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The + responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when + the Brigade on the right flank reported a totally different + wind he concluded there must be a whirlwind in the line, and, + putting up a barrage of bad language, went to sleep.</p> + + <p>In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff + Captain, who broached the subject at breakfast as the General + was probing his second poached egg.</p> + + <p>"This," said the General, who is rather given to the + vernacular, "is the limit. A North-South-East-West report is + preposterous. Something must be done. Haven't we got a + weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will you?"</p> + + <p>Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. + feeling out of it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals + really get a very good time. People have been known to pass + things to them unasked.)</p> + + <p>"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" + said the Staff Captain brightly—he is very bright and + bird-like in the mornings—"the ones the padre thought + were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They aren't ours, + but then they aren't anybody's—they've been there a year, + the old woman told me."</p> + + <p>"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful + of toast.) "Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the + Heavy Group Artillery will let you—they're in there now, + aren't they?"</p> + + <p>"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for + dinner," said the Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes + my s-stammer worse."</p> + + <p>"Why?" said the General.</p> + + <p>"Indigestion—nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the + telephone at all after dinner."</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"</p> + + <p>"I brought the vanes, Sir."</p> + + <p>"Have any + trouble?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> + + <p>"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them + behind,' which was true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once + felt himself the centre of interest and desired to improve the + occasion). "We <i>did</i> 'leave them behind,' so it wasn't a + lie exactly ..."</p> + + <p>"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, + that's the main thing."</p> + + <p>"Where will you have one put, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"In the fields," said the B.M.</p> + + <p>"Not too low," said the Captain.</p> + + <p>"Or too high," said Signals.</p> + + <p>"Or too far away," said the attached officer.</p> + + <p>"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the + chutney."</p> + + <p>They all passed it as well as several other things until he + was thoroughly dug-in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next + morning.</p> + + <p>"——!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his + partiality for the vernacular). "Where's our vane?"</p> + + <p>"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and + I—"</p> + + <p>"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all + went—General, Brigade Major (enunciating pedantically + after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright and birdlike), + and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.</p> + + <p>"North is—there!" said the General in his best + field-day manner, "and this is pointing—due East!" He + touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He touched it again. + A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.</p> + + <p>"Paralysed," said the B.M.</p> + + <p>"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.</p> + + <p>"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants + <i>oil</i>!" and the O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil + (salad, bottle, one).</p> + + <p>"Now pour it over the top—top, boy, top!"</p> + + <p>A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched + hastily for a handkerchief.</p> + + <p>"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"</p> + + <p>The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).</p> + + <p>"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say + now? East!"</p> + + <p>"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a + minute."</p> + + <p>"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, + I'm—West!"</p> + + <p>"The padre was right—it must be a fireguard, after + all," said the Staff Captain.</p> + + <p>"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.</p> + + <p>I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: + "Wind light to moderate (to strong), varying from East to West + (<i>via</i> North and South)."</p> + + <p>"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not + quite perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, + wires are a bit slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and + the whole thing is in rather a bad position, but otherwise it's + all right—quite all right."</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.</p> + + <p>"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved + off.</p> + + <p>"There is," said the B.M., discovering + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> another blob on his shiny + boots, "and on m-me!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted + alone. For three days he had been the despair of the small and + perspiring body of pioneers, who towards the end had fled at + the mere sight of him. But at last the vane was working.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, + expert?"</p> + + <p>"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he + had done since he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and + he was pleased at the interest the Staff had taken in his + little achievement.) "I've had the pioneers working on it, and + we've got it up another four feet, Sir, tightened the pole, and + wired it on to the supports on every side. It's quite + perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on + it, and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength + of the wind—that flap thing, you know, Sir—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his + first keenness, "I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, + we shall be moving from here to-morrow; the division's going + back."</p> + + <p>The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was + strong and bitter.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="675" + src="images/137.png" + alt="At our Company Smoker." /></a> + + <h3>AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>The Major</i> (<i>sings</i>). "AND WE + DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE FOE + TEN—TWENTY—THIRTY—FORTY—"</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Colonel</i> (<i>roused from + surreptitious snooze</i>). "AS YOU + WERE!—<b>NUMBER!</b>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Result of the Blockade.</h4> + + <p>Notice on a railway bookstall:—</p> + + <p class="center">"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.<br /> + MUCH REDUCED."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that + he was Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he + appeared quite harmless."—<i>Daily News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Obviously an impostor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of + undergraduates celebrating some joyous event at the college + tuck-shop."—<i>Yorkshire Herald</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this + artless phrase.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>The Super-Submarine.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a + submarine, which boarded the American boat, took the names + of all on board, and then authorised the continuation of + the voyage."—<i>Evening News</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find + taxi-cabs, and taxi-cubs with pneumatic + tyres."—<i>Scots Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in + time for next season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for + the money—a mile for eightpence or so.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MISSING LEADER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is Master WINSTON doing?</p> + + <p>What new paths is he pursuing?</p> + + <p>What strange broth can he be brewing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he painting, by commission,</p> + + <p>Portraits of the Coalition</p> + + <p>For the R.A. exhibition?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he Jacky-obin or anti?</p> + + <p>Is he likely to "go Fanti,"</p> + + <p>Or becoming shrewd and canty?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he in disguise at Kovel,</p> + + <p>Living in a moujik's hovel,</p> + + <p>Making a tremendous novel?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does he run a photo-play show?</p> + + <p>Or in <i>sæva indignatio</i></p> + + <p>Is he writing for HORATIO?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fired by the divine afflatus</p> + + <p>Does he weekly lacerate us,</p> + + <p>Like a Juvenal <i>renatus?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As the great financial purist,</p> + + <p>Will he smite the sinecurist</p> + + <p>Or emerge as a Futurist?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he regularly sending</p> + + <p>HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,</p> + + <p>Good advice with censure blending?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?</p> + + <p>Is he planting beet, or going</p> + + <p>In for early 'tato-growing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he writing verse or prosing,</p> + + <p>Or intent upon disclosing</p> + + <p>Gifts for musical composing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he lecturing to flappers?</p> + + <p>Is he tunnelling with sappers?</p> + + <p>Has he joined the U-boat trappers?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or, to petrify recorders</p> + + <p>Of events within our borders,</p> + + <p><i>Has he taken Holy Orders?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he well or ill or middling?</p> + + <p>Is he fighting, is he fiddling?—</p> + + <p>He can't only be thumb-twiddling.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are merely dim surmises,</p> + + <p>But experience advises</p> + + <p>Us to look for weird surprises,</p> + + <p>Somersaults, and strange disguises.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus we summed the situation</p> + + <p>When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration</p> + + <p>Brought about a transformation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges</p> + + <p>On a sudden re-emerges</p> + + <p>And, to calm the naval <i>gurges</i>,</p> + + <p>FISHER'S restoration urges.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Work of Supererogation.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by + members of our G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf + of a fund for providing Huns for our + soldiers."—<i>Parish Magazine</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>INFORMATION WANTED.</h3> + + <p>No one can answer the question, and I have not the + pluck—being a law-abiding citizen—to try for + myself. But I do so want to know. I ask everyone. I ask my + partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask casual + acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they + are so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very + engrossing problem, and upon this problem many minor problems + depend, clustering round it like chickens round the maternal + hen. But I should be quite content with an answer only to the + hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an inter-dependence + between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did + someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone + else had to be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities + dislike us to be comfy? Or is it thought that the public might + get so much attracted by the habit as to convert the place into + a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I knew these + things.</p> + + <p>Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and + then—arising out of this question—get all the other + subsidiary facts? We are told so many things that don't matter, + such as the enormous number of Ministers in the new Government, + which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest against + too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and + every performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as + the best place in Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; + such as the breaks made day by day all through the War by + billiard champions; such as the departure of Mr. G.B. SHAW on + his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary visit + to the Front and his return from that experience; such + as—but enough. I am told by the informative Press all + these and more things, but no one tells me the one thing I want + to know.</p> + + <p>Perhaps YOU can.</p> + + <p>I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving + staircases, and I want to know what would happen if we did.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>What to do with Our Dogs.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "FOR SALE.—Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing + to wear now. Seamless, comfortable. All + Wool."—<i>Bedford Daily Circular</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."—<i>Glasgow + Citizen</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but + too extravagant in these times.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <h3>BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This scheme of keeping rabbits</p> + + <p class="i2">To fatten them as food</p> + + <p>Breaks up the kindly habits</p> + + <p class="i2">Acquired in babyhood;</p> + + <p>For we, as youthful scions,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were taught to love the dears</p> + + <p>And bring them dandelions</p> + + <p class="i2">And lift them by the ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We learned how each new litter</p> + + <p class="i2">That came to Flip or Fan</p> + + <p>Grew finer and grew fitter</p> + + <p class="i2">With tea-leaves in the bran;</p> + + <p>We learned which stalks were milky</p> + + <p class="i2">And which were merely tough,</p> + + <p>What grass was good for Silky</p> + + <p class="i2">And what was good for Fluff.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such moral mild up-bringing</p> + + <p class="i2">Now makes me much distressed</p> + + <p>When little necks need wringing</p> + + <p class="i2">And little paws protest,</p> + + <p>Lest wraiths from empty hutches</p> + + <p class="i2">Should haunt me, hung in pairs,</p> + + <p>And ghosts—'tis here it touches—</p> + + <p class="i2">Of happy Belgian hares.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>However, with my morals</p> + + <p class="i2">I manfully shall cope,</p> + + <p>And back my country's quarrels,</p> + + <p class="i2">But none the less I hope</p> + + <p>Before poor Bunny's taken</p> + + <p class="i2">As stuff for knife and fork</p> + + <p>The hedge-hog will be bacon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The guinea-pig be pork.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">W.H.O.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.</h3> + + <p>The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to + sanction women taxicab drivers, we understand that all + applicants for licences will be required to pass a severe + examination in "knowledge of London." As, however, this will be + concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, we + venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary + questions of a more general character:—</p> + + <p>(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles + an hour, be able to fling a pint of London mud?</p> + + <p>(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if + so, how much?</p> + + <p>(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate + the following:—(<i>a</i>) contempt, (<i>b</i>) rage, + (<i>c</i>) homicidal mania.</p> + + <p>(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words + "Thank you" be employed?</p> + + <p>(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly + gentleman, wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are + tendered the legal fare plus twopence. Express, within ladylike + limits, your appreciation of this generosity.</p> + + <p>(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a + member of the Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer + accordingly.</p> + + <p>(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a + becoming and serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.</p> + + <p>(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The hand that stops the traffic rules the + world"?</p> + + <p>"This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an + alien"?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed + simultaneously by two spinster ladies with hand luggage, + wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a single unencumbered + gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?</p> + + <p>(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres + end, and which do you consider the best places of concealment + in which to secrete yourself at that time?</p> + + <p>(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a + simple direction to "The Palace" from—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(a) The PRIME MINISTER?</p> + + <p>(b) The Bishop of LONDON?</p> + + <p>(c) Any Second-Lieutenant?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="350" + src="images/139.png" + alt="Old Lady in Gramophone Department." /></a> + + <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>buying records to send to + France—to assistant in Gramophone + Department</i>).</p> + + <p>"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S + BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME + KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION WHICH COULD BE OF + ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Prophet of Evil.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"—<i>Headlines in</i> + "<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an official circular relating to the British Industries + Fair:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair + from all parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, + but will not be available before the opening day." + </blockquote> + + <p>You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get + there.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" + id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/140.png"><img width="675" + src="images/140.png" + alt="The Vicar and Mrs. Bloggs." /></a> + + <p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been + describing the insulting behaviour of the lady next + door</i>). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT BEING + SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS + TO TAKE NO NOTICE."</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Bloggs</i>. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, + SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND + AGAIN—JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the + pavvy road</p> + + <p class="i2">An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the + Rhine,</p> + + <p>The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy + load</p> + + <p class="i2">Was the men 'ose job did correspond to + mine.</p> + + <p>When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly + Fosse</p> + + <p class="i2">And made the Prooshians sweat their souls + with fear,</p> + + <p>The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well + across</p> + + <p class="i2">Was the men with actin' rank o' + bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes + the Capting too,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then to the subs the 'eavy language + flows;</p> + + <p>They comes an' calls their Numbers One an + inefficient crew</p> + + <p class="i2">An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;</p> + + <p>An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly + 'ell,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' the full edition's poured into the + ear</p> + + <p>Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you + be—blest as well),</p> + + <p class="i2">The man with actin' rank o' + bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter + afternoon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' + tea,</p> + + <p>The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in + Bethoon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Capting's snorin' out at the + O.P.;</p> + + <p>The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a + prommynard,</p> + + <p class="i2">The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' + beer,</p> + + <p>An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' + grouse an' mount the guard</p> + + <p>Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' + stores at night,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,</p> + + <p>An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the + 'ome fires bright</p> + + <p class="i2">("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, + you know");</p> + + <p>An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the + gun,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy + day;</p> + + <p>An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly + fun</p> + + <p class="i2">Accompany one stripe (without the + pay).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l + Artillerie,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of cheerful things to think there's quite + a lot;</p> + + <p>Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of + Februree</p> + + <p class="i2">To do instructin' stunts at + Aldershot;</p> + + <p>The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned + rank,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' little changes means a step up + 'ere,</p> + + <p>So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang + blank,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll soon drop "<i>actin</i>'" off the + "bombardier."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/141.png"><img width="675" + src="images/141.png" + alt="Who Follows?" /></a> + + <h3>WHO FOLLOWS?</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="675" + src="images/142.png" + alt="Opposition approval of the New Boys." /></a> + + <h4>OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.</h4> + + <table summary="illustration caption"> + <tr> + <td align="left">MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (<i>patting Sir EDWARD + CARSON on the back</i>) + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="right"> <big>}</big> "HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE." + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (<i>patting Mr. BONAR LAW + on the back</i>) + </td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <p><i>Monday, February 19th</i>.—The CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER announced that the "new money" subscribed for the War + Loan amounted to at least seven hundred millions. Being a + modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I did it," though + it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good + sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not + more onerous to the State.</p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were + specially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that + her delegates might assert her right to self-government. I dare + say, if pressed, he would be prepared to nominate at least one + of her representatives. Having regard to the Nationalist + attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have + retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the + Peace Conference, but he contented himself with a simple + negative.</p> + + <p>There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits + in his private room scheming out new Departments and murmuring + like the gentleman in the advertisement of the elastic + bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to the present, + however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the + Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and + their salaries merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. + It is pleasant to learn that a branch of the Shipping + Controller's department is appropriately housed in the Lake + Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S + objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he + has come into contact make no sort of secret about their + business (one pictures them confiding in this gentleman), it is + expected that the Board of Works will shortly commandeer a + strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, February 20th</i>.—In one respect the two + representatives of the War Office in the House of Commons are + singularly alike. When answering their daily catechism both + wear spectacles—Mr. FORSTER an ordinary gold-rimmed pair, + Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which gives + an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, + when he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by + carefully taking off his glasses and so giving himself an extra + moment or two to frame a telling reply.</p> + + <p>This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off + half-a-dozen times as he withstood an assault directed from + various quarters against the refusal of the War Office to admit + the profession of "manipulative surgery" to the Army Medical + Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures effected by + this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the + Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that + the life of one private soldier was more valuable than that of + the two Front Benches put together. All these attempts at + manipulative surgery quite failed to reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S + obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had to intervene + to stop the treatment.</p> + + <p>The persistence with which a little knot of Members below + the Gangway advances the proposition that all Germany is + longing to make an honourable peace, and that it is only the + insatiate ambition of the Allies which stands in the way, would + be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. PONSONBY, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. + SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless case with a good deal + of varied ability. A small house listened politely, but was + more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by + Mr. RONALD M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR + GREENWOOD; while later in the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated + the national aims in the War with a cogency that drew from + Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who sit + opposite the Government" to give Ministers their + whole-hearted support.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, February 21st</i>.—The House learned + with satisfaction that crews of our river gun-boats in + Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; and when the + authors of the Turkish <i>communiqués</i> hear of it + they are expected to put in a similar claim.</p> + + <p>Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the + Clock—his friends all tell us that he is superior to + Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable—I had almost said + respectful—distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and + conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN + JELLICOE. They and all of us listened intently while for over + an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, now as much at home on the + quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, discoursed + eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work + of the Senior Service.</p> + + <p>He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or + pretend that the Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy + for their attacks. Nor could he say—for reasons which + seemed to satisfy the House—how many of them had already + been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral + VON CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single + U-boat had been lost since the opening of the new campaign, of + being either singularly misinformed or highly imaginative.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, February 22nd</i>.—A strange sympathy + seems to exist between the SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I + fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. LOWTHER'S is in his + heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the wayward + Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems + to be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. + MACPHERSON, and called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to + withdraw the expression, he substituted "impudent." That would + not do either, and there seemed danger of a deadlock and + another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that "incorrect" + was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's + purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the + spirit in which it was offered.</p> + + <p>Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. + Whenever there is a disagreeable or awkward measure to + introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home Secretary, if I may + borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., for one + of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate + the good points and soften the possible asperities of the + National Service Bill that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had + come to condemn, remained to bless.</p> + + <p><i>Friday, February 23rd</i>.—Owing to a variety of + causes, we are short of tonnage, and unless we manage to grow + more and consume less we shall before very long be within reach + of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the burden of the PRIME + MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have a + guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural + labourer is to be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum + wage of 25<i>s.</i> a week, and the rest of us are to go + without most of our imported luxuries and a good many + necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the + prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to + secure what they felt might be their last really substantial + luncheon, and Mr. DAVID MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill + the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S absence, was soon talking to + empty benches.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/143.png"><img width="400" + src="images/143.png" + alt="The Big 'Un and The Little 'Un." /></a> + + <p><i>The Big 'Un.</i> "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE + THAT YOU HAVE TO JOIN UP?"</p> + + <p><i>The Little 'Un.</i> "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. + YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT + WERE, IN MARCH."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" + id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/144.png"><img width="675" + src="images/144.png" + alt="Acrobat, having been officially informed that he belongs to one of the non-essential professions..." /> + </a> + + <p>ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS + TO ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES + NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS + SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + <p>We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But + there is another man with a grievance whom I rather like, and + this is his story. I must, of course, let him tell it in the + first-person-singular, because otherwise what is the use of + having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular narrative + form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.</p> + + <p>"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as + an ordinary seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and + being perhaps not too physically vigorous and having a certain + rhetorical gift, developed at the Union, I was told off, after + some months' training, to take part in a recruiting campaign. + We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter awakened the + neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his + coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew + round. One by one we mounted whatever rostrum there was—a + drinking fountain, say—and spoke our little piece, urging + the claims of country.</p> + + <p>"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old + men; but we did our best.</p> + + <p>"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a + public building, and then the proceedings were more formal and + pretentious. The trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would + open the ball. The occasion of which I am thinking was one of + these meetings in the East End, where the Chairman was a local + tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and that + England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; + he told the audience how many of his relations were fighting; + and then he made way for our gallant boys in blue who were to + address the company.</p> + + <p>"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of + the orators, and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He + said how much he had enjoyed the speeches and how much he hoped + that they would bear good fruit; and indeed he felt confident + of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are plain + straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, + and we would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who + 'ave been talking to us this evening, than any fine Oxford + gentleman.'"</p> + + <p>That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, + now I come to think about it again, and his manner of telling + it, I'm not sure I ought not rather to call him a man with a + triumph.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar + cheesemaking for 1 month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated + as family."—<i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>A little less than kin and more than kine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="author">"Washington, Thursday.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + The representatives of thirty leading American railways + have agreed virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of + freight for export until the present congestion on the + eastern sideboard is relieved."—<i>Evening + Standard</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are + concerned about is the depletion of our own sideboard.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an official advertisement in favour of + tillage:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "An acre of Oats will<br /> + feed for a week . . 100 + people.<br /> + An acre of Potatoes . . 200 "<br /> + " " + of Beef . + . + 8 " "—<i> + Irish Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility + for the last statement.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/145.png"><img width="675" + src="images/145.png" + alt="Father and Hopeful." /></a> + + <p><i>Father</i>. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN + SMITHERS, THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. + AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"</p> + + <p><i>Hopeful</i>. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT—IT'S + HEREDITARY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.</h3> + + <p class="center">A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long ages ere the Age of Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">While yet this earthly crust was + thinnish,</p> + + <p>The War of Might and Right began,</p> + + <p class="i2">Proceeding swiftly to a finish;</p> + + <p>And this provides in many ways</p> + + <p>An object-lesson nowadays.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shone with a most attractive lustre;</p> + + <p>Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail—</p> + + <p class="i2">They pinned their faith to bulk and + bluster;</p> + + <p>They laid their eggs in every land</p> + + <p>And hid them deftly in the sand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Mammals, small as yet and few,</p> + + <p class="i2">Relying less on scales and muscles,</p> + + <p>Developed diaphragms, and grew</p> + + <p class="i2">Non-nucleated red corpuscles;</p> + + <p>They walked more nimbly on their legs</p> + + <p>And learnt the art of sucking eggs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,</p> + + <p class="i2">Went off in high explosive fashion;</p> + + <p>They lashed themselves to left and right</p> + + <p class="i2">Into a pre-historic passion;</p> + + <p>The Mammals, on the other hand,</p> + + <p>Ate all their eggs up in the sand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those precious eggs, a source of pride</p> + + <p class="i2">On which the Saurian hopes depended,</p> + + <p>Kept all their enemies supplied</p> + + <p class="i2">With life by which their own was + ended;</p> + + <p>And where they fondly hoped to spread</p> + + <p>The Mammals lived and throve instead.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so the Saurians passed from view,</p> + + <p class="i2">Leaving behind the faintest traces,</p> + + <p>No longer bent on hacking through,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though looking still for sunny + places;</p> + + <p>Dwarfed to a more convenient size</p> + + <p>They spend their time in catching flies.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Non-Stop Linguist.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "To O.C. . . . From . . . Brigade. —— Corps + requires services of an officer who can speak Italian + fluently for four or five days." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' + Fancy Dress Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main + Street. No Gentlemen. No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in + mail attire."—<i>Bulawayo Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>In their "knighties," so to speak?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before + them which it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to + reach as soon as possible."—<i>Congleton + Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and + his type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"—<i>Munsey's Magazine</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Another case of the Hidden Hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 + tons, reason sale, requires care when taken out of + harness."—<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on + getting rid of a master of that weight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken + run."—<i>Enfield Gazette</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.—Special + Lecture—'The Great War Novel, Mr. Bristling Sees it + Through.'"<i>—Glasgow Evening News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <h3>HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.</h3> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord + DEVONPORT?"</p> + + <p>"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living + under his ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank + you."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or + twice. It seems to consist very largely of rissoles and that + kind of food."</p> + + <p>"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, + you'd soon get tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every + day."</p> + + <p>"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak + would always be a joy to me."</p> + + <p>"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really + like their eatables tough."</p> + + <p>"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."</p> + + <p>"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's + there, which is a great help when you're being rationed."</p> + + <p>"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women + don't care for that feeling. They like their food light but + stimulating."</p> + + <p>"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one + tray and at irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them + a sort of wicked abundance. To a man it is—"</p> + + <p>"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to + tighten your belt even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't + known you were being rationed you'd never have found it + out."</p> + + <p>"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have + suffered this last week in the matter of beefsteaks and that + kind of food are the worst that can happen to us we shan't have + much to complain of—but I should like a chop to-night + instead of a rissole."</p> + + <p>"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a + cutlet."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much + as we might for Lord DEVONPORT."</p> + + <p>"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the + stable-yard."</p> + + <p>"Hens? What do you know about hens?"</p> + + <p>"For the matter of that, what do you?"</p> + + <p>"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all + the same. I know that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and + that they never lay any eggs unless you put a china egg in + their nest just to coax them along and rouse their ambition. + Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff Orpingtons + can see it?"</p> + + <p>"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems + to think that if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or + so the laying of eggs will be promoted. Won't you go round with + him next time?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm + not going to begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already + said they never lay eggs even when you don't watch them."</p> + + <p>"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "this <i>is</i> exciting. Did the happy + mother announce the event to the world in the usual way?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a + quarter-of-an-hour, and Frederick came along and seized the + subject of her rejoicing. You're going to have it to-night, + boiled, instead of soup and fish."</p> + + <p>"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon + be self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord + DEVONPORT."</p> + + <p>"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up + hen-keeper ever does. Besides, it's our duty to help the + Government all we can, so that Lord DEVONPORT may have so much + more to play with."</p> + + <p>"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't + strike me as being that kind of man at all."</p> + + <p>"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."</p> + + <p>"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's + chin-deep in his work."</p> + + <p>"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're + pulling up the herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, + and that we've started keeping hens, and that we've already got + one egg, and that when the time comes we shall not lack for + chicken, roast or boiled."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to + the tragedies which are inseparable from the possession of Buff + Orpingtons? In the morning a young bird struts about in his + pride, resolved to live his life fearlessly and to salute the + dawn at any and every hour before the break of day. Then + something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally + ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible + struggle; a neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is + chicken for dinner."</p> + + <p>"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to + countermand your egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make + a real friend of a fowl. They've got such silly ways and their + eyes are so beady."</p> + + <p>"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than + our Mrs. Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of + propriety, while they—no matter; I hope the chicken when + its moment comes will be tender and succulent."</p> + + <p>"Hark!" said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and + there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, + to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can + have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,—I mean + cutlet."</p> + + <p>"No," she said.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."</p> + + <p class="author">R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember a day when I felt quite tall</p> + + <p class="i2">Because of a gift of five whole + shillings;</p> + + <p>I was Johnson major then, I recall,</p> + + <p class="i2">And didn't I swank and put on + frillings!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, we know that children are parents of men;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, now that I'm getting an ancient + stager,</p> + + <p>Here am I pleased with a crown again,</p> + + <p class="i2">And signing myself as Johnson, Major.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no + washing; would take England."—<i>Irish Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "During the night an enemy raiding party in the + neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage + before reaching our line."—<i>Continental Daily + Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, + and now the Trunks.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for + about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its + course is almost due South for about the same distance. + Then against the stream it goes due North for about the + same distance."—<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General + MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="650" + src="images/147.png" + alt="She: You know, there's something rather nice about Mr. Thomkins-Smith." /> + </a> + + <p><i>She</i> (<i>referring to host</i>). "YOU KNOW, + THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. + THOMKINS-SMITH."</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> "YES—I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>War and the Future</i> (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is + not a sustained thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of + epigram about the War as he has seen it on the French, Italian + and British fronts, and has thought about it in peaceful Essex. + A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing of the Effigy," + suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long + series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which + has included Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the + First—and Third. In the light of the new time we see the + emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, on the + other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without + fuss and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly + well. There is some particularly interesting matter about + aeroplane work, and the writer betrays a keen distress lest the + cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old school should make + them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the airmen in + the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of + organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, + to which the devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; + but I doubt if he quite makes his point here. And finally this + swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a vision which he has seen of + a new world-wide interrelated republicanism founded on a + recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book + down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate + conversation with a very interesting fellow-traveller.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present + spendthrift course, whatever Board controls the consumption of + paper will have to put him on half rations. I believe that his + literary health would benefit enormously by such a + régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the + almost six hundred pages of <i>In the Wilderness</i> (METHUEN), + and it persists, strengthened now that I have turned the last, + of them. Here is a direct and moving tragedy of three lives, + much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog of superfluous + words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows + the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely + divergent types of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather + than Mr. HICHENS, should be blamed for the fact that the + unmoral <i>Cynthia</i> is many times more interesting than the + virtuous but slightly fatiguing <i>Rosamund</i>. The former is + indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none + the less sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, + however, her success is to some extent due to contrast; for + certainly both <i>Rosamund</i> and <i>Dion</i>, the husband + whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody all the + worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you + know what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility + to surroundings, which renders them so fluid that often the + scenery seems to push them about. It is this, coupled with the + author's own lingering pleasure in a romantic setting, that + delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the book, over + long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the + skill of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at + his best.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <p>Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON + HUTTEN I am glad to say that I consider <i>Magpie</i> + (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a long time since I + read a happier or more holding story. The title is a punning + one, as the heroine's name is really <i>Margaret Pye</i>, but I + am more than willing to overlook this for the sake of the + pleasantly-drawn young woman to whom it refers and the general + interest of the tale. Briefly, this has two movements, one + forward, which deals with the evolution of <i>Mag</i> from a + fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the + charming young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and + concerned with the mystery of a wonderful artist who has + disappeared before the story opens. I have no idea of clearing + up, or even further indicating, this problem to you. But I will + say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect orgy + of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little + breathless. Of course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a + baker's dozen of glaring improbabilities; but I am much + mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for that. A quaint + personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the cast + of <i>Pinkie and the Fairies</i> on its revival) might well + seem an impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of + superiority that rewards the well-informed. But I can assure + Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is all wrong about the acting of + that particular part.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of + periodical publications, I ought to say that the case of <i>The + New Europe</i> (CONSTABLE), whose first completed volume lies + before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' experience of + journalism I never remember a paper containing so much + "meat"—some of it pretty strong meat, too—in + proportion to its size. In hardly a single week since its first + issue in October last have I failed to find between its + tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me information + that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of + something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it + there are many other writers—and even, perhaps, some + statesmen—who have enjoyed the same experience. Dr. + SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who march under + his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, + for example, that <i>Austria est delenda</i> may prove the only + or the best prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs + of South-Eastern Europe), but they always furnish the reader + with the facts enabling him to test their conclusions; and that + in these times is a great merit. My own feeling is that if they + had begun their concerted labours a few years earlier the War + might never have happened; or at least we should have gone into + it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the + Central Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating + them. The tragedies of Serbia and Roumania would almost + certainly have been averted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find + <i>Frailty</i> (CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope + of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S story, sufficiently indicated by its + title, does not admit of humorous relief. But it is both + vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on <i>Charles + Ley</i> that, after heroically curing himself of the drug + habit, he should marry the girl of his choice only to find her + a victim to strong drink. But of course, had this not happened, + the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S tale would have been weakened by + half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the author knows when to + stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, thereby + avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) + plunged the entire cast of <i>Danesbury House</i> into a flood + of alcohol. Not that Miss WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; + she can rise unusually to the demands of a situation, and I + have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than those + that depict the gradual conquest of <i>Charles</i> by the + cocaine fiend, and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. + Here the "strong" writing seemed to me both natural and in + place; ever so much more convincing therefore than when + employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts whether, even + in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone + was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was + <i>Charles</i> when he carried off his chosen mate from a + small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. Fortunately the other + parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it + emphatically a book not to be missed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much + delightful information that he tries to ration himself to so + many pages per day. This is what I resolved to do with <i>In + the Northern Mists</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON); but I could not + keep to my resolution, so attractive was the fare. These + sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed + with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a + sailor you will learn a lot from this admirable theologian + about the men and methods and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. + His book fills me with pride; yet I dare not express it for + fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior service. + So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies + are due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation + of his book. But he seems human enough to pardon the more + venial sins.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="350" + src="images/148.png" + alt="A case for rationing." /></a> + + <h4>A CASE FOR RATIONING.</h4> + + <p>"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I + SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS HIM WARM."</p> + + <p>"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS + RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES + OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope + Gill, barely three months old, who subscribed the whole of + his life's savings. He arrived at the bank with his mother, + and there was poured out before the astonished gaze of the + officials four hundred threepenny pieces."—<i>Weekly + Dispatch</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it + should have compelled him to go into liquidation.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14639-h/images/133.png b/14639-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..507502f --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/133.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/135.png b/14639-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d52165a --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/135.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/136.png b/14639-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9031dbb --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/136.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/137.png b/14639-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa182a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/137.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/139.png b/14639-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23b3954 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/139.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/140.png b/14639-h/images/140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6221a16 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/140.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/141.png b/14639-h/images/141.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b89c66 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/141.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/142.png b/14639-h/images/142.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..46f504d --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/142.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/143.png b/14639-h/images/143.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ebe723 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/143.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/144.png b/14639-h/images/144.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a35675 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/144.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/145.png b/14639-h/images/145.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9da8d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/145.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/147.png b/14639-h/images/147.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd126a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/147.png diff --git a/14639-h/images/148.png b/14639-h/images/148.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..020e2e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14639-h/images/148.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f93a4f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14639 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14639) diff --git a/old/14639-8.txt b/old/14639-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f27bd99 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14639-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +February 28, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +February 28th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the +thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this +is impossible. + + *** + +It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having +misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, +we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British. + + *** + +In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a +fine musician and his execution is good." It would be. + + *** + +[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE. + +_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT +FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA +MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."] + + *** + +No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the +beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the +liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the +awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing. + + *** + +Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised. +Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman. + + *** + +According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued +for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly +the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were +permitted to growl. + + *** + +A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one +years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not +thought that he did it purposely. + + *** + +At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine +children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There +seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now +fairly well advertised. + + *** + +Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most +ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is +foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style. + + *** + +Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a +day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to +compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts. + + *** + +"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do +not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar +sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s. + + *** + +"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate +in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to +hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time. + + *** + +The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two +thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus +which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers. + + *** + +Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food +tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food. + + *** + +The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water +Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already +hoisted his bargee. + + *** + +Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a +news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three +months ago nothing could have averted a General Election. + + *** + +A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which +fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being +done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of +ostentatious patriotism. + + *** + +_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in +the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church +magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy. + + *** + +Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their +customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green +peas and rolling them home. + + *** + +"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing +from the table." We have often noticed it do so. + + *** + +"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch +women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in +warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a +time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives. + + *** + +A Felicitous Juxtaposition. + + "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL. + COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_. + + *** + + "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls. + + *** + + "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the + battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg + Daily Mail_. + +Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest. + + *** + +The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?" + + * * * * * + +TO GERMANIA + +FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON. + +_Air_--"To Althæa from Prison." + + When Peace with wide and shining wings + Invades this warring isle, + And my beloved Germania brings + Wearing her largest smile; + When close about her waist I coil + And mouth to mouth apply, + Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When round the No-Conscription board + The wines of Rhineland flow, + And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared + To toast the _status quo_; + When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl + Our happy tears run dry, + Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When sausages and sauerkraut + Fulfil the air with spice, + And loosened tongues the praise shall shout + Of Peace-at-any-price; + When German weeds our lips employ + And hearts are full and high, + Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy, + Will be more pleased than I. + + Stone walls do not my feet confine + Nor yet a barbed-wire cage; + I talk at large and claim as mine + The freeman's heritage; + And, if this wicked War but end + Ere German hopes can die, + Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend, + Will be more pleased than I. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BROKEN SOLDIERS. + +"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much +as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the +parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded +crutches. + +"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with +her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course +it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as +yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner. + +"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a +box of broken soldiers?" + +The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with +condescension, to inquire. + +"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother. + +"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still. + +"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?" + +"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already," +answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver +badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty +cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date +soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both +legs. + +"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver +badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be +understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign. + +"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to +be broken?" + +"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh. + +"Why did Dick?" I persisted. + +"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father +objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite +rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was +more disappointed still." + +"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested. + +"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know. +She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing +them." + +"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty +together again," I said. + +"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela. + +"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I +remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us +clamorously in the hall. + +"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick. + +"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my +pocket and handed it over. + +"Is that all?" demanded Alice. + +"There's one more," I said. + +"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very +nicely as she took my arm. + +"No, that's for me," she said. + + * * * * * + +A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA. + +The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel. +The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the +rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters +washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a +good-sized town lay there. + +I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some +difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it +open, entered. + +A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer +was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman. +His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his +garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each +side of him stood an armed guard. + +"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly. + +"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head +high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and +yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as +if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream. + +"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no +alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out +at dawn. Remove the prisoner." + +The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling +with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he +bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was +marched away. + +The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I +ever had on my ship." + +He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of +unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to +the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL. + +[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on +account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed +an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER. + +_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE." + +_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO +TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."] + + * * * * * + +WEATHER-VANES. + +It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the +situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his +hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who +was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink +form. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read. + +"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with +East in it). "Give me the message book." + +Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun +sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next +message. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W." + +"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork. +"Which way _is_ the wind then?" + +The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened +forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways +it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in +his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any +wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The +responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade +on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there +must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language, +went to sleep. + +In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who +broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second +poached egg. + +"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the +limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be +done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will +you?" + +Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of +it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time. +People have been known to pass things to them unasked.) + +"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff +Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the +ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They +aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the +old woman told me." + +"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.) +"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will +let you--they're in there now, aren't they?" + +"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the +Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse." + +"Why?" said the General. + +"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all +after dinner." + +"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot." + + * * * * * + +"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!" + +"I brought the vanes, Sir." + +"Have any trouble?" + +"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was +true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of +interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them +behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..." + +"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the +main thing." + +"Where will you have one put, Sir?" + +"In the fields," said the B.M. + +"Not too low," said the Captain. + +"Or too high," said Signals. + +"Or too far away," said the attached officer. + +"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney." + +They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly +dug-in. + + * * * * * + +"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning. + +"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the +vernacular). "Where's our vane?" + +"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--" + +"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major +(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright +and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle. + +"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this +is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He +touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O. + +"Paralysed," said the B.M. + +"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain. + +"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the +O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one). + +"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!" + +A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a +handkerchief. + +"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!" + +The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one). + +"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!" + +"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute." + +"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!" + +"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff +Captain. + +"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M. + +I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to +moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)." + +"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite +perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit +slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a +bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right." + +"Yes, Sir," said the O.O. + +"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off. + +"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots, +"and on m-me!" + + * * * * * + +The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three +days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers, +who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane +was working. + +"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?" + +"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since +he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the +interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the +pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir, +tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's +quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it, +and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the +wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--" + +"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness, +"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here +to-morrow; the division's going back." + +The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and +bitter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER. + +_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE +FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--" + +_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"] + + * * * * * + +Result of the Blockade. + +Notice on a railway bookstall:-- + +"MEN AROUND THE KAISER. +MUCH REDUCED." + + * * * * * + + "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was + Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite + harmless."--_Daily News_. + +Obviously an impostor. + + * * * * * + + "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates + celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire + Herald_. + +What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless +phrase. + + * * * * * + +The Super-Submarine. + + "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which + boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then + authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_. + + * * * * * + +Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:-- + + "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and + taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_. + +We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next +season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for +eightpence or so. + + * * * * * + +THE MISSING LEADER. + + What is Master WINSTON doing? + What new paths is he pursuing? + What strange broth can he be brewing? + + Is he painting, by commission, + Portraits of the Coalition + For the R.A. exhibition? + + Is he Jacky-obin or anti? + Is he likely to "go Fanti," + Or becoming shrewd and canty? + + Is he in disguise at Kovel, + Living in a moujik's hovel, + Making a tremendous novel? + + Does he run a photo-play show? + Or in _sæva indignatio_ + Is he writing for HORATIO? + + Fired by the divine afflatus + Does he weekly lacerate us, + Like a Juvenal _renatus?_ + + As the great financial purist, + Will he smite the sinecurist + Or emerge as a Futurist? + + Is he regularly sending + HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending, + Good advice with censure blending? + + Is he ploughing, is he hoeing? + Is he planting beet, or going + In for early 'tato-growing? + + Is he writing verse or prosing, + Or intent upon disclosing + Gifts for musical composing? + + Is he lecturing to flappers? + Is he tunnelling with sappers? + Has he joined the U-boat trappers? + + Or, to petrify recorders + Of events within our borders, + _Has he taken Holy Orders?_ + + Is he well or ill or middling? + Is he fighting, is he fiddling?-- + He can't only be thumb-twiddling. + + These are merely dim surmises, + But experience advises + Us to look for weird surprises, + Somersaults, and strange disguises. + + * * * * * + + Thus we summed the situation + When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration + Brought about a transformation. + + Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges + On a sudden re-emerges + And, to calm the naval _gurges_, + FISHER'S restoration urges. + + * * * * * + +A Work of Supererogation. + + "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our + G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing + Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +INFORMATION WANTED. + +No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a +law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask +everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask +casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are +so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem, +and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like +chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an +answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an +inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did +someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to +be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or +is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as +to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I +knew these things. + +Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising +out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so +many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in +the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest +against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every +performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in +Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day +by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of +Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary +visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but +enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but +no one tells me the one thing I want to know. + +Perhaps YOU can. + +I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want +to know what would happen if we did. + + * * * * * + +What to do with Our Dogs. + + "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now. + Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_. + + * * * * * + + "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too +extravagant in these times. + + * * * * * + +BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT. + + This scheme of keeping rabbits + To fatten them as food + Breaks up the kindly habits + Acquired in babyhood; + For we, as youthful scions, + Were taught to love the dears + And bring them dandelions + And lift them by the ears. + + We learned how each new litter + That came to Flip or Fan + Grew finer and grew fitter + With tea-leaves in the bran; + We learned which stalks were milky + And which were merely tough, + What grass was good for Silky + And what was good for Fluff. + + Such moral mild up-bringing + Now makes me much distressed + When little necks need wringing + And little paws protest, + Lest wraiths from empty hutches + Should haunt me, hung in pairs, + And ghosts--'tis here it touches-- + Of happy Belgian hares. + + However, with my morals + I manfully shall cope, + And back my country's quarrels, + But none the less I hope + Before poor Bunny's taken + As stuff for knife and fork + The hedge-hog will be bacon, + The guinea-pig be pork. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES. + +The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women +taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be +required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As, +however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, +we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a +more general character:-- + +(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able +to fling a pint of London mud? + +(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much? + +(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the +following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania. + +(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be +employed? + +(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman, +wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare +plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of +this generosity. + +(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the +Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly. + +(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and +serviceable uniform for a lady-driver. + +(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection-- + + "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"? + "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"? + +(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two +spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a +single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well? + +(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do +you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at +that time? + +(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction +to "The Palace" from-- + + (a) The PRIME MINISTER? + (b) The Bishop of LONDON? + (c) Any Second-Lieutenant? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant +in Gramophone Department_). + +"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' +I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION +WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"] + + * * * * * + +A PROPHET OF EVIL. + + "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. + + 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily + Chronicle_." + + * * * * * + +From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:-- + + "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all + parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be + available before the opening day." + +You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the +insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST +UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS +TO TAKE NO NOTICE." + +_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS +TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +THE ACTING BOMBARDIER. + + When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road + An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine, + The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load + Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine. + When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse + And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear, + The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across + Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too, + Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows; + They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew + An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s; + An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell, + An' the full edition's poured into the ear + Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well), + The man with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon, + The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea, + The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon, + The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.; + The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard, + The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer, + An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard + Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier. + + Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night, + Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow, + An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright + ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know"); + An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun, + An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day; + An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun + Accompany one stripe (without the pay). + + But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie, + Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot; + Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree + To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot; + The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank, + An' little changes means a step up 'ere, + So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank, + I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS. + +{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) } +{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_) } + +"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."] + +_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that +the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven +hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I +did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good +sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous +to the State. + +Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially +represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might +assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be +prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to +the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have +retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace +Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative. + +There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private +room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the +advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to +the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the +Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries +merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a +branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in +the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S +objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into +contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them +confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will +shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in. + +_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the +War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering +their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary +gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which +gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when +he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off +his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling +reply. + +This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen +times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the +refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery" +to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures +effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the +Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of +one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches +put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to +reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had +to intervene to stop the treatment. + +The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway +advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable +peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which +stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. +PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless +case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely, +but was more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by Mr. RONALD +M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in +the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a +cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who +sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support. + +_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews +of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; +and when the authors of the Turkish _communiqués_ hear of it they are +expected to put in a similar claim. + +Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell +us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had +almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and +conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They +and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, +now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, +discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of +the Senior Service. + +He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the +Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could +he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had +already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON +CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been +lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly +misinformed or highly imaginative. + +_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the +SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. +LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the +wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to +be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and +called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he +substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger +of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that +"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's +purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in +which it was offered. + +Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a +disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home +Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., +for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the +good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill +that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless. + +_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of +tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before +very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the +burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have +a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to +be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and +the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good +many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the +prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what +they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID +MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S +absence, was soon talking to empty benches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU +HAVE TO JOIN UP?" + +_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO +SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO +ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS +TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.] + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLIMENT. + +We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another +man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of +course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise +what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular +narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen. + +"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary +seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too +physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the +Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a +recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter +awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his +coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one +we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke +our little piece, urging the claims of country. + +"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we +did our best. + +"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public +building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The +trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of +which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the +Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and +that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told +the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way +for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company. + +"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators, +and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed +the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and +indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are +plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we +would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to +us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'" + +That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to +think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought +not rather to call him a man with a triumph. + + * * * * * + + "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1 + month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times + and Mirror_. + +A little less than kin and more than kine. + + * * * * * + + "Washington, Thursday. + + The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed + virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export + until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is + relieved."--_Evening Standard_. + +This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is +the depletion of our own sideboard. + + * * * * * + +From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:-- + + "An acre of Oats will + feed for a week . . 100 people. + An acre of Potatoes . 200 " + " " of Beef . . 8 " "--_Irish Times_. + +We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last +statement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS, +THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?" + +_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."] + + * * * * * + +THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR. + +A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES. + + Long ages ere the Age of Man, + While yet this earthly crust was thinnish, + The War of Might and Right began, + Proceeding swiftly to a finish; + And this provides in many ways + An object-lesson nowadays. + + The Saurians, clad in coats of mail, + Shone with a most attractive lustre; + Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail-- + They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster; + They laid their eggs in every land + And hid them deftly in the sand. + + The Mammals, small as yet and few, + Relying less on scales and muscles, + Developed diaphragms, and grew + Non-nucleated red corpuscles; + They walked more nimbly on their legs + And learnt the art of sucking eggs. + + The Saurians, spoiling for a fight, + Went off in high explosive fashion; + They lashed themselves to left and right + Into a pre-historic passion; + The Mammals, on the other hand, + Ate all their eggs up in the sand. + + Those precious eggs, a source of pride + On which the Saurian hopes depended, + Kept all their enemies supplied + With life by which their own was ended; + And where they fondly hoped to spread + The Mammals lived and throve instead. + + And so the Saurians passed from view, + Leaving behind the faintest traces, + No longer bent on hacking through, + Though looking still for sunny places; + Dwarfed to a more convenient size + They spend their time in catching flies. + + * * * * * + +THE NON-STOP LINGUIST. + + "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an + officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days." + + * * * * * + + "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress + Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen. + No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo + Chronicle_. + +In their "knighties," so to speak? + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which + it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as + possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his + type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_. + +Another case of the Hidden Hand. + + * * * * * + + "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason + sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily + Mail_. + +Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a +master of that weight. + + * * * * * + + "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield + Gazette_. + +Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours. + + * * * * * + + "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr. + Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_. + +Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this. + + * * * * * + +HELPING LORD DEVONPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?" + +"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his +ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you." + +"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems +to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food." + +"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get +tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day." + +"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a +joy to me." + +"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their +eatables tough." + +"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know." + +"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?" + +"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a +great help when you're being rationed." + +"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for +that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating." + +"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at +irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked +abundance. To a man it is--" + +"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt +even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed +you'd never have found it out." + +"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last +week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that +can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a +chop to-night instead of a rissole." + +"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet." + +"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for +Lord DEVONPORT." + +"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard." + +"Hens? What do you know about hens?" + +"For the matter of that, what do you?" + +"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know +that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs +unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse +their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff +Orpingtons can see it?" + +"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that +if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will +be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?" + +"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to +begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs +even when you don't watch them." + +"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning." + +"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the +event to the world in the usual way?" + +"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and +Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going +to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish." + +"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be +self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT." + +"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever +does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that +Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with." + +"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as +being that kind of man at all." + +"I daresay he plays in his off-hours." + +"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his +work." + +"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the +herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started +keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time +comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled." + +"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies +which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the +morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life +fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of +day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally +ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a +neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner." + +"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your +egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl. +They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady." + +"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs. +Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no +matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and +succulent." + +"Hark!" said Francesca. + +"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick +rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too +late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my +chop,--I mean cutlet." + +"No," she said. + +"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK. + + I remember a day when I felt quite tall + Because of a gift of five whole shillings; + I was Johnson major then, I recall, + And didn't I swank and put on frillings! + + Well, we know that children are parents of men; + And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager, + Here am I pleased with a crown again, + And signing myself as Johnson, Major. + + * * * * * + + "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would + take England."--_Irish Times_. + +The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam. + + * * * * * + + "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of + Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our + line."--_Continental Daily Mail_. + +There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the +Trunks. + + * * * * * + + "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four + miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South + for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North + for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves +all the greater credit for his success. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING +RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH." + +_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained +thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he +has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought +about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing +of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long +series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included +Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the +new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, +on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss +and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is +some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer +betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old +school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the +airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of +organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the +devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite +makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a +vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism +founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book +down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with +a very interesting fellow-traveller. + + * * * * * + +Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course, +whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on +half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously +by such a régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six +hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists, +strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and +moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog +of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows +the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types +of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be +blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more +interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former +is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less +sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success +is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and +_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody +all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know +what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings, +which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them +about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a +romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the +book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill +of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best. + + * * * * * + +Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad +to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a +long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a +punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more +than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young +woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this +has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_ +from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming +young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the +mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I +have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to +you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect +orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of +course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring +improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for +that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the +cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an +impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that +rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is +all wrong about the acting of that particular part. + + * * * * * + +As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications, +I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first +completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' +experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much +"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In +hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to +find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me +information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of +something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are +many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the +same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who +march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, +for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best +prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern +Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to +test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own +feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years +earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone +into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central +Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies +of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted. + + * * * * * + +I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_ +(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S +story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous +relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on +_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he +should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong +drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S +tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the +author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, +thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged +the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss +WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of +a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than +those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend, +and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing +seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing +therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts +whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone +was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he +carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. +Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it +emphatically a book not to be missed. + + * * * * * + +Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful +information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This +is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the +fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed +with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you +will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods +and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare +not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior +service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are +due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But +he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING. + +"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS +HIM WARM." + +"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS +CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely + three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He + arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before + the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny + pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_. + +We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have +compelled him to go into liquidation. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14639-8.txt or 14639-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/6/3/14639/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 28th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3> + + <p>One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute + horror at the thought of being prematurely buried. Several + experts however say that this is impossible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF + BAVARIA of having misunderstood an order, thus losing + Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, we understand, retorted + that the real culprits were the British.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the <i>Cologne + Gazette</i> says, "He is a fine musician and his execution is + good." It would be.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="450" + src="images/133.png" + alt="The paper shortage." /></a> + + <h4>THE PAPER SHORTAGE.</h4> + + <p><i>News Editor of</i> "<i>Daily Bugle Blast</i>." "JUST + TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, + PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA MUST APPRISE WORLD + THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."</p> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost + since the beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has + been received with the liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat + commanders who have been in the awkward predicament of not + knowing whether they were officially missing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United + States disguised. Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an + officer and a gentleman.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone + tickets are issued for making soup, but the bone must be + returned to the authorities. Possibly the hardship of the + procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were permitted + to growl.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he + was forty-one years old, and only missed the age-limit by + eighteen hours. It is not thought that he did it purposely.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated + that he had nine children, but upon counting them again he + discovered that he had ten. There seems to be no excuse for + this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now fairly well + advertised.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It + is a most ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." + This, of course, is foolish talk, for the lady has not seen + next season's style.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more + than one cigar a day to a customer. To conserve the supply + still further it is proposed to compel the tobacconist to offer + each customer the alternative of nuts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, + M.P., "I do not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been + known to express similar sentiments upon sighting certain + M.P.'s.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a + London magistrate in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing + how some policeman are able to hold them up without assistance + for several seconds at a time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, + will be over two thousand. It is still hoped, however, that + there may be a small surplus which can be devoted to the needs + of disabled soldiers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing + counterfeit food tickets. The defence will presumably be that + it wasn't real food.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the + Inland Water Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we + understand, has already hoisted his bargee.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from + China, says a news item, and will be used for confectionery. + Had they arrived three months ago nothing could have averted a + General Election.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid + an egg which fetched 35<i>s.</i> In the best hen circles, where + steady silent work is being done, there is a growing tendency + to frown upon these isolated acts of ostentatious + patriotism.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Times</i>, it seems, has not published a complete + list of its rivals in the desperate struggle for the smallest + circulation. A Finchley Church magazine has increased its price + to 1½<i>d.</i> a copy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in + Bangor, and their customers are patriotically assisting this + economy by unpodding their green peas and rolling them + home.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is + fast disappearing from the table." We have often noticed it do + so.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the <i>Berliner + Tageblatt</i>, "to watch women-folk walking beside their + half-starved dogs. There is no room in warfare for dogs." We + have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a time when + one half the dachshund does not know how the other half + lives.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>A Felicitous Juxtaposition.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.<br /> + COL. —— LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."—<i>Lincoln + Leader</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in + fowls.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome + after the battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from + Kiel."—<i>Johannesburg Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the + roughest.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <h3>TO GERMANIA</h3> + + <h4>FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>Air</i>—"To Althæa from + Prison."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Peace with wide and shining wings</p> + + <p class="i2">Invades this warring isle,</p> + + <p>And my beloved Germania brings</p> + + <p class="i2">Wearing her largest smile;</p> + + <p>When close about her waist I coil</p> + + <p class="i2">And mouth to mouth apply,</p> + + <p>Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When round the No-Conscription board</p> + + <p class="i2">The wines of Rhineland flow,</p> + + <p>And many a rousing <i>Hoch!</i> is roared</p> + + <p class="i2">To toast the <i>status quo</i>;</p> + + <p>When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl</p> + + <p class="i2">Our happy tears run dry,</p> + + <p>Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When sausages and sauerkraut</p> + + <p class="i2">Fulfil the air with spice,</p> + + <p>And loosened tongues the praise shall shout</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Peace-at-any-price;</p> + + <p>When German weeds our lips employ</p> + + <p class="i2">And hearts are full and high,</p> + + <p>Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Stone walls do not my feet confine</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;</p> + + <p>I talk at large and claim as mine</p> + + <p class="i2">The freeman's heritage;</p> + + <p>And, if this wicked War but end</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere German hopes can die,</p> + + <p>Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.</h3> + + <p>"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, + "you've got as much as you can carry." Unfortunately it was + impossible to relieve her of the parcels as I had all my work + cut out to manipulate those confounded crutches.</p> + + <p>"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading + the way with her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not + frightfully tired." Of course it seemed ridiculous, but I had + not been out of hospital many days, and as yet I had not grown + used to stumping about in this manner.</p> + + <p>"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such + a thing as a box of broken soldiers?"</p> + + <p>The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, + but offered, with condescension, to inquire.</p> + + <p>"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's + youngest brother.</p> + + <p>"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, + younger still.</p> + + <p>"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"</p> + + <p>"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large + boxes already," answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a + frock coat, with a silver badge on the right lapel, "For + Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty cardboard box, and + in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date + soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had + lost both legs.</p> + + <p>"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man + with the silver badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic + pocket. It seemed to be understood that they and I had been + knocked out in the same campaign.</p> + + <p>"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want + the soldiers to be broken?"</p> + + <p>"I—I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.</p> + + <p>"Why did Dick?" I persisted.</p> + + <p>"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You + see, Father objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new + ones. Dick was quite rebellious. He wanted to know what he was + to do for wounded; and Alice was more disappointed still."</p> + + <p>"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," + I suggested.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross + nurse, you know. She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She + only thinks of healing them."</p> + + <p>"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put + Humpty Dumpty together again," I said.</p> + + <p>"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.</p> + + <p>"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you + as well," I remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely + forgotten until they met us clamorously in the hall.</p> + + <p>"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.</p> + + <p>"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper + parcel from my pocket and handed it over.</p> + + <p>"Is that all?" demanded Alice.</p> + + <p>"There's one more," I said.</p> + + <p>"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and + smiled very nicely as she took my arm.</p> + + <p>"No, that's for me," she said.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.</h3> + + <p>The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over + the Channel. The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, + and, leaning over the rail, it was with difficulty that I could + distinguish the dark waters washing below. Shore-ward I could + see nothing, though I knew that a good-sized town lay + there.</p> + + <p>I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my + feet with some difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way + to a door and, pushing it open, entered.</p> + + <p>A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of + a naval officer was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall + well-set-up young seaman. His dishevelled head was hatless, but + otherwise he looked trim, and his garments fitted him better + than a seaman's garments generally do. On each side of him + stood an armed guard.</p> + + <p>"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer + sternly.</p> + + <p>"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He + held his head high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire + his courageous bearing, and yet there was an air of unreality + about the whole thing. I felt almost as if I were dreaming it, + but I knew that this was not a dream.</p> + + <p>"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the + officer. "I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. + The sentence will be carried out at dawn. Remove the + prisoner."</p> + + <p>The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be + struggling with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself + to silence. Then he bowed his head, and, turning, placed + himself between the guards and was marched away.</p> + + <p>The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's + the best man I ever had on my ship."</p> + + <p>He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange + sense of unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the + Third Act of <i>True to the Death</i>, a melodrama in the + pavilion at the end of the pier.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="675" + src="images/135.png" + alt="The Retort Celestial." /></a> + + <h2>THE RETORT CELESTIAL.</h2> + + <p>[China has threatened to break off relations with the + German Government on account of its barbarity. It will be + recalled that the KAISER once designed an allegorical + picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="675" + src="images/136.png" + alt="Sauce for the Gander." /></a> + + <h3>SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.</h3> + + <p><i>Grocer</i>. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, + PLEASE."</p> + + <p><i>Waitress</i> (<i>late grocer's assistant</i>). + "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, + SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WEATHER-VANES.</h3> + + <p>It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly + chorus, and the situation reports were coming in from the + battalions in the line. With his hair sizzling in the flame of + the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who was on duty for the + night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink + form.</p> + + <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.</p> + + <p>"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits + upon a wind with East in it). "Give me the message book."</p> + + <p>Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and + machine gun sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then + he turned to the next message.</p> + + <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."</p> + + <p>"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless + handiwork. "Which way <i>is</i> the wind then?"</p> + + <p>The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a + moistened forefinger and the information that it was "blowing + acrossways, leastways it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of + his little wire bed, searched in his pyjamas for the North + Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any wind at all + (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The + responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when + the Brigade on the right flank reported a totally different + wind he concluded there must be a whirlwind in the line, and, + putting up a barrage of bad language, went to sleep.</p> + + <p>In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff + Captain, who broached the subject at breakfast as the General + was probing his second poached egg.</p> + + <p>"This," said the General, who is rather given to the + vernacular, "is the limit. A North-South-East-West report is + preposterous. Something must be done. Haven't we got a + weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will you?"</p> + + <p>Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. + feeling out of it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals + really get a very good time. People have been known to pass + things to them unasked.)</p> + + <p>"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" + said the Staff Captain brightly—he is very bright and + bird-like in the mornings—"the ones the padre thought + were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They aren't ours, + but then they aren't anybody's—they've been there a year, + the old woman told me."</p> + + <p>"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful + of toast.) "Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the + Heavy Group Artillery will let you—they're in there now, + aren't they?"</p> + + <p>"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for + dinner," said the Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes + my s-stammer worse."</p> + + <p>"Why?" said the General.</p> + + <p>"Indigestion—nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the + telephone at all after dinner."</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"</p> + + <p>"I brought the vanes, Sir."</p> + + <p>"Have any + trouble?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> + + <p>"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them + behind,' which was true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once + felt himself the centre of interest and desired to improve the + occasion). "We <i>did</i> 'leave them behind,' so it wasn't a + lie exactly ..."</p> + + <p>"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, + that's the main thing."</p> + + <p>"Where will you have one put, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"In the fields," said the B.M.</p> + + <p>"Not too low," said the Captain.</p> + + <p>"Or too high," said Signals.</p> + + <p>"Or too far away," said the attached officer.</p> + + <p>"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the + chutney."</p> + + <p>They all passed it as well as several other things until he + was thoroughly dug-in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next + morning.</p> + + <p>"——!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his + partiality for the vernacular). "Where's our vane?"</p> + + <p>"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and + I—"</p> + + <p>"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all + went—General, Brigade Major (enunciating pedantically + after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright and birdlike), + and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.</p> + + <p>"North is—there!" said the General in his best + field-day manner, "and this is pointing—due East!" He + touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He touched it again. + A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.</p> + + <p>"Paralysed," said the B.M.</p> + + <p>"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.</p> + + <p>"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants + <i>oil</i>!" and the O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil + (salad, bottle, one).</p> + + <p>"Now pour it over the top—top, boy, top!"</p> + + <p>A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched + hastily for a handkerchief.</p> + + <p>"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"</p> + + <p>The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).</p> + + <p>"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say + now? East!"</p> + + <p>"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a + minute."</p> + + <p>"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, + I'm—West!"</p> + + <p>"The padre was right—it must be a fireguard, after + all," said the Staff Captain.</p> + + <p>"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.</p> + + <p>I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: + "Wind light to moderate (to strong), varying from East to West + (<i>via</i> North and South)."</p> + + <p>"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not + quite perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, + wires are a bit slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and + the whole thing is in rather a bad position, but otherwise it's + all right—quite all right."</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.</p> + + <p>"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved + off.</p> + + <p>"There is," said the B.M., discovering + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> another blob on his shiny + boots, "and on m-me!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted + alone. For three days he had been the despair of the small and + perspiring body of pioneers, who towards the end had fled at + the mere sight of him. But at last the vane was working.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, + expert?"</p> + + <p>"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he + had done since he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and + he was pleased at the interest the Staff had taken in his + little achievement.) "I've had the pioneers working on it, and + we've got it up another four feet, Sir, tightened the pole, and + wired it on to the supports on every side. It's quite + perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on + it, and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength + of the wind—that flap thing, you know, Sir—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his + first keenness, "I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, + we shall be moving from here to-morrow; the division's going + back."</p> + + <p>The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was + strong and bitter.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="675" + src="images/137.png" + alt="At our Company Smoker." /></a> + + <h3>AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>The Major</i> (<i>sings</i>). "AND WE + DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE FOE + TEN—TWENTY—THIRTY—FORTY—"</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Colonel</i> (<i>roused from + surreptitious snooze</i>). "AS YOU + WERE!—<b>NUMBER!</b>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Result of the Blockade.</h4> + + <p>Notice on a railway bookstall:—</p> + + <p class="center">"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.<br /> + MUCH REDUCED."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that + he was Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he + appeared quite harmless."—<i>Daily News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Obviously an impostor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of + undergraduates celebrating some joyous event at the college + tuck-shop."—<i>Yorkshire Herald</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this + artless phrase.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>The Super-Submarine.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a + submarine, which boarded the American boat, took the names + of all on board, and then authorised the continuation of + the voyage."—<i>Evening News</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find + taxi-cabs, and taxi-cubs with pneumatic + tyres."—<i>Scots Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in + time for next season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for + the money—a mile for eightpence or so.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MISSING LEADER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is Master WINSTON doing?</p> + + <p>What new paths is he pursuing?</p> + + <p>What strange broth can he be brewing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he painting, by commission,</p> + + <p>Portraits of the Coalition</p> + + <p>For the R.A. exhibition?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he Jacky-obin or anti?</p> + + <p>Is he likely to "go Fanti,"</p> + + <p>Or becoming shrewd and canty?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he in disguise at Kovel,</p> + + <p>Living in a moujik's hovel,</p> + + <p>Making a tremendous novel?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does he run a photo-play show?</p> + + <p>Or in <i>sæva indignatio</i></p> + + <p>Is he writing for HORATIO?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fired by the divine afflatus</p> + + <p>Does he weekly lacerate us,</p> + + <p>Like a Juvenal <i>renatus?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As the great financial purist,</p> + + <p>Will he smite the sinecurist</p> + + <p>Or emerge as a Futurist?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he regularly sending</p> + + <p>HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,</p> + + <p>Good advice with censure blending?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?</p> + + <p>Is he planting beet, or going</p> + + <p>In for early 'tato-growing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he writing verse or prosing,</p> + + <p>Or intent upon disclosing</p> + + <p>Gifts for musical composing?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he lecturing to flappers?</p> + + <p>Is he tunnelling with sappers?</p> + + <p>Has he joined the U-boat trappers?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or, to petrify recorders</p> + + <p>Of events within our borders,</p> + + <p><i>Has he taken Holy Orders?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is he well or ill or middling?</p> + + <p>Is he fighting, is he fiddling?—</p> + + <p>He can't only be thumb-twiddling.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are merely dim surmises,</p> + + <p>But experience advises</p> + + <p>Us to look for weird surprises,</p> + + <p>Somersaults, and strange disguises.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus we summed the situation</p> + + <p>When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration</p> + + <p>Brought about a transformation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges</p> + + <p>On a sudden re-emerges</p> + + <p>And, to calm the naval <i>gurges</i>,</p> + + <p>FISHER'S restoration urges.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Work of Supererogation.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by + members of our G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf + of a fund for providing Huns for our + soldiers."—<i>Parish Magazine</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>INFORMATION WANTED.</h3> + + <p>No one can answer the question, and I have not the + pluck—being a law-abiding citizen—to try for + myself. But I do so want to know. I ask everyone. I ask my + partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask casual + acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they + are so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very + engrossing problem, and upon this problem many minor problems + depend, clustering round it like chickens round the maternal + hen. But I should be quite content with an answer only to the + hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an inter-dependence + between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did + someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone + else had to be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities + dislike us to be comfy? Or is it thought that the public might + get so much attracted by the habit as to convert the place into + a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I knew these + things.</p> + + <p>Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and + then—arising out of this question—get all the other + subsidiary facts? We are told so many things that don't matter, + such as the enormous number of Ministers in the new Government, + which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest against + too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and + every performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as + the best place in Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; + such as the breaks made day by day all through the War by + billiard champions; such as the departure of Mr. G.B. SHAW on + his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary visit + to the Front and his return from that experience; such + as—but enough. I am told by the informative Press all + these and more things, but no one tells me the one thing I want + to know.</p> + + <p>Perhaps YOU can.</p> + + <p>I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving + staircases, and I want to know what would happen if we did.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>What to do with Our Dogs.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "FOR SALE.—Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing + to wear now. Seamless, comfortable. All + Wool."—<i>Bedford Daily Circular</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."—<i>Glasgow + Citizen</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but + too extravagant in these times.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <h3>BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This scheme of keeping rabbits</p> + + <p class="i2">To fatten them as food</p> + + <p>Breaks up the kindly habits</p> + + <p class="i2">Acquired in babyhood;</p> + + <p>For we, as youthful scions,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were taught to love the dears</p> + + <p>And bring them dandelions</p> + + <p class="i2">And lift them by the ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We learned how each new litter</p> + + <p class="i2">That came to Flip or Fan</p> + + <p>Grew finer and grew fitter</p> + + <p class="i2">With tea-leaves in the bran;</p> + + <p>We learned which stalks were milky</p> + + <p class="i2">And which were merely tough,</p> + + <p>What grass was good for Silky</p> + + <p class="i2">And what was good for Fluff.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such moral mild up-bringing</p> + + <p class="i2">Now makes me much distressed</p> + + <p>When little necks need wringing</p> + + <p class="i2">And little paws protest,</p> + + <p>Lest wraiths from empty hutches</p> + + <p class="i2">Should haunt me, hung in pairs,</p> + + <p>And ghosts—'tis here it touches—</p> + + <p class="i2">Of happy Belgian hares.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>However, with my morals</p> + + <p class="i2">I manfully shall cope,</p> + + <p>And back my country's quarrels,</p> + + <p class="i2">But none the less I hope</p> + + <p>Before poor Bunny's taken</p> + + <p class="i2">As stuff for knife and fork</p> + + <p>The hedge-hog will be bacon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The guinea-pig be pork.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">W.H.O.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.</h3> + + <p>The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to + sanction women taxicab drivers, we understand that all + applicants for licences will be required to pass a severe + examination in "knowledge of London." As, however, this will be + concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, we + venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary + questions of a more general character:—</p> + + <p>(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles + an hour, be able to fling a pint of London mud?</p> + + <p>(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if + so, how much?</p> + + <p>(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate + the following:—(<i>a</i>) contempt, (<i>b</i>) rage, + (<i>c</i>) homicidal mania.</p> + + <p>(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words + "Thank you" be employed?</p> + + <p>(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly + gentleman, wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are + tendered the legal fare plus twopence. Express, within ladylike + limits, your appreciation of this generosity.</p> + + <p>(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a + member of the Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer + accordingly.</p> + + <p>(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a + becoming and serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.</p> + + <p>(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The hand that stops the traffic rules the + world"?</p> + + <p>"This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an + alien"?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed + simultaneously by two spinster ladies with hand luggage, + wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a single unencumbered + gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?</p> + + <p>(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres + end, and which do you consider the best places of concealment + in which to secrete yourself at that time?</p> + + <p>(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a + simple direction to "The Palace" from—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(a) The PRIME MINISTER?</p> + + <p>(b) The Bishop of LONDON?</p> + + <p>(c) Any Second-Lieutenant?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="350" + src="images/139.png" + alt="Old Lady in Gramophone Department." /></a> + + <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>buying records to send to + France—to assistant in Gramophone + Department</i>).</p> + + <p>"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S + BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME + KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION WHICH COULD BE OF + ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Prophet of Evil.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"—<i>Headlines in</i> + "<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an official circular relating to the British Industries + Fair:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair + from all parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, + but will not be available before the opening day." + </blockquote> + + <p>You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get + there.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" + id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/140.png"><img width="675" + src="images/140.png" + alt="The Vicar and Mrs. Bloggs." /></a> + + <p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been + describing the insulting behaviour of the lady next + door</i>). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT BEING + SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS + TO TAKE NO NOTICE."</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Bloggs</i>. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, + SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND + AGAIN—JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the + pavvy road</p> + + <p class="i2">An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the + Rhine,</p> + + <p>The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy + load</p> + + <p class="i2">Was the men 'ose job did correspond to + mine.</p> + + <p>When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly + Fosse</p> + + <p class="i2">And made the Prooshians sweat their souls + with fear,</p> + + <p>The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well + across</p> + + <p class="i2">Was the men with actin' rank o' + bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes + the Capting too,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then to the subs the 'eavy language + flows;</p> + + <p>They comes an' calls their Numbers One an + inefficient crew</p> + + <p class="i2">An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;</p> + + <p>An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly + 'ell,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' the full edition's poured into the + ear</p> + + <p>Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you + be—blest as well),</p> + + <p class="i2">The man with actin' rank o' + bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter + afternoon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' + tea,</p> + + <p>The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in + Bethoon,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Capting's snorin' out at the + O.P.;</p> + + <p>The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a + prommynard,</p> + + <p class="i2">The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' + beer,</p> + + <p>An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' + grouse an' mount the guard</p> + + <p>Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' + stores at night,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,</p> + + <p>An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the + 'ome fires bright</p> + + <p class="i2">("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, + you know");</p> + + <p>An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the + gun,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy + day;</p> + + <p>An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly + fun</p> + + <p class="i2">Accompany one stripe (without the + pay).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l + Artillerie,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of cheerful things to think there's quite + a lot;</p> + + <p>Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of + Februree</p> + + <p class="i2">To do instructin' stunts at + Aldershot;</p> + + <p>The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned + rank,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' little changes means a step up + 'ere,</p> + + <p>So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang + blank,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll soon drop "<i>actin</i>'" off the + "bombardier."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/141.png"><img width="675" + src="images/141.png" + alt="Who Follows?" /></a> + + <h3>WHO FOLLOWS?</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="675" + src="images/142.png" + alt="Opposition approval of the New Boys." /></a> + + <h4>OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.</h4> + + <table summary="illustration caption"> + <tr> + <td align="left">MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (<i>patting Sir EDWARD + CARSON on the back</i>) + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="right"> <big>}</big> "HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE." + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (<i>patting Mr. BONAR LAW + on the back</i>) + </td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <p><i>Monday, February 19th</i>.—The CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER announced that the "new money" subscribed for the War + Loan amounted to at least seven hundred millions. Being a + modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I did it," though + it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good + sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not + more onerous to the State.</p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were + specially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that + her delegates might assert her right to self-government. I dare + say, if pressed, he would be prepared to nominate at least one + of her representatives. Having regard to the Nationalist + attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have + retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the + Peace Conference, but he contented himself with a simple + negative.</p> + + <p>There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits + in his private room scheming out new Departments and murmuring + like the gentleman in the advertisement of the elastic + bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to the present, + however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the + Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and + their salaries merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. + It is pleasant to learn that a branch of the Shipping + Controller's department is appropriately housed in the Lake + Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S + objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he + has come into contact make no sort of secret about their + business (one pictures them confiding in this gentleman), it is + expected that the Board of Works will shortly commandeer a + strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, February 20th</i>.—In one respect the two + representatives of the War Office in the House of Commons are + singularly alike. When answering their daily catechism both + wear spectacles—Mr. FORSTER an ordinary gold-rimmed pair, + Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which gives + an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, + when he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by + carefully taking off his glasses and so giving himself an extra + moment or two to frame a telling reply.</p> + + <p>This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off + half-a-dozen times as he withstood an assault directed from + various quarters against the refusal of the War Office to admit + the profession of "manipulative surgery" to the Army Medical + Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures effected by + this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the + Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that + the life of one private soldier was more valuable than that of + the two Front Benches put together. All these attempts at + manipulative surgery quite failed to reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S + obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had to intervene + to stop the treatment.</p> + + <p>The persistence with which a little knot of Members below + the Gangway advances the proposition that all Germany is + longing to make an honourable peace, and that it is only the + insatiate ambition of the Allies which stands in the way, would + be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. PONSONBY, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. + SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless case with a good deal + of varied ability. A small house listened politely, but was + more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by + Mr. RONALD M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR + GREENWOOD; while later in the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated + the national aims in the War with a cogency that drew from + Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who sit + opposite the Government" to give Ministers their + whole-hearted support.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, February 21st</i>.—The House learned + with satisfaction that crews of our river gun-boats in + Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; and when the + authors of the Turkish <i>communiqués</i> hear of it + they are expected to put in a similar claim.</p> + + <p>Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the + Clock—his friends all tell us that he is superior to + Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable—I had almost said + respectful—distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and + conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN + JELLICOE. They and all of us listened intently while for over + an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, now as much at home on the + quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, discoursed + eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work + of the Senior Service.</p> + + <p>He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or + pretend that the Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy + for their attacks. Nor could he say—for reasons which + seemed to satisfy the House—how many of them had already + been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral + VON CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single + U-boat had been lost since the opening of the new campaign, of + being either singularly misinformed or highly imaginative.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, February 22nd</i>.—A strange sympathy + seems to exist between the SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I + fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. LOWTHER'S is in his + heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the wayward + Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems + to be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. + MACPHERSON, and called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to + withdraw the expression, he substituted "impudent." That would + not do either, and there seemed danger of a deadlock and + another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that "incorrect" + was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's + purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the + spirit in which it was offered.</p> + + <p>Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. + Whenever there is a disagreeable or awkward measure to + introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home Secretary, if I may + borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., for one + of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate + the good points and soften the possible asperities of the + National Service Bill that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had + come to condemn, remained to bless.</p> + + <p><i>Friday, February 23rd</i>.—Owing to a variety of + causes, we are short of tonnage, and unless we manage to grow + more and consume less we shall before very long be within reach + of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the burden of the PRIME + MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have a + guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural + labourer is to be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum + wage of 25<i>s.</i> a week, and the rest of us are to go + without most of our imported luxuries and a good many + necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the + prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to + secure what they felt might be their last really substantial + luncheon, and Mr. DAVID MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill + the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S absence, was soon talking to + empty benches.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/143.png"><img width="400" + src="images/143.png" + alt="The Big 'Un and The Little 'Un." /></a> + + <p><i>The Big 'Un.</i> "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE + THAT YOU HAVE TO JOIN UP?"</p> + + <p><i>The Little 'Un.</i> "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. + YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT + WERE, IN MARCH."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" + id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/144.png"><img width="675" + src="images/144.png" + alt="Acrobat, having been officially informed that he belongs to one of the non-essential professions..." /> + </a> + + <p>ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS + TO ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES + NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS + SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + <p>We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But + there is another man with a grievance whom I rather like, and + this is his story. I must, of course, let him tell it in the + first-person-singular, because otherwise what is the use of + having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular narrative + form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.</p> + + <p>"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as + an ordinary seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and + being perhaps not too physically vigorous and having a certain + rhetorical gift, developed at the Union, I was told off, after + some months' training, to take part in a recruiting campaign. + We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter awakened the + neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his + coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew + round. One by one we mounted whatever rostrum there was—a + drinking fountain, say—and spoke our little piece, urging + the claims of country.</p> + + <p>"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old + men; but we did our best.</p> + + <p>"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a + public building, and then the proceedings were more formal and + pretentious. The trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would + open the ball. The occasion of which I am thinking was one of + these meetings in the East End, where the Chairman was a local + tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and that + England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; + he told the audience how many of his relations were fighting; + and then he made way for our gallant boys in blue who were to + address the company.</p> + + <p>"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of + the orators, and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He + said how much he had enjoyed the speeches and how much he hoped + that they would bear good fruit; and indeed he felt confident + of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are plain + straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, + and we would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who + 'ave been talking to us this evening, than any fine Oxford + gentleman.'"</p> + + <p>That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, + now I come to think about it again, and his manner of telling + it, I'm not sure I ought not rather to call him a man with a + triumph.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar + cheesemaking for 1 month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated + as family."—<i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>A little less than kin and more than kine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="author">"Washington, Thursday.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + The representatives of thirty leading American railways + have agreed virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of + freight for export until the present congestion on the + eastern sideboard is relieved."—<i>Evening + Standard</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are + concerned about is the depletion of our own sideboard.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an official advertisement in favour of + tillage:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "An acre of Oats will<br /> + feed for a week . . 100 + people.<br /> + An acre of Potatoes . . 200 "<br /> + " " + of Beef . + . + 8 " "—<i> + Irish Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility + for the last statement.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/145.png"><img width="675" + src="images/145.png" + alt="Father and Hopeful." /></a> + + <p><i>Father</i>. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN + SMITHERS, THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. + AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"</p> + + <p><i>Hopeful</i>. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT—IT'S + HEREDITARY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.</h3> + + <p class="center">A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long ages ere the Age of Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">While yet this earthly crust was + thinnish,</p> + + <p>The War of Might and Right began,</p> + + <p class="i2">Proceeding swiftly to a finish;</p> + + <p>And this provides in many ways</p> + + <p>An object-lesson nowadays.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shone with a most attractive lustre;</p> + + <p>Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail—</p> + + <p class="i2">They pinned their faith to bulk and + bluster;</p> + + <p>They laid their eggs in every land</p> + + <p>And hid them deftly in the sand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Mammals, small as yet and few,</p> + + <p class="i2">Relying less on scales and muscles,</p> + + <p>Developed diaphragms, and grew</p> + + <p class="i2">Non-nucleated red corpuscles;</p> + + <p>They walked more nimbly on their legs</p> + + <p>And learnt the art of sucking eggs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,</p> + + <p class="i2">Went off in high explosive fashion;</p> + + <p>They lashed themselves to left and right</p> + + <p class="i2">Into a pre-historic passion;</p> + + <p>The Mammals, on the other hand,</p> + + <p>Ate all their eggs up in the sand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those precious eggs, a source of pride</p> + + <p class="i2">On which the Saurian hopes depended,</p> + + <p>Kept all their enemies supplied</p> + + <p class="i2">With life by which their own was + ended;</p> + + <p>And where they fondly hoped to spread</p> + + <p>The Mammals lived and throve instead.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so the Saurians passed from view,</p> + + <p class="i2">Leaving behind the faintest traces,</p> + + <p>No longer bent on hacking through,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though looking still for sunny + places;</p> + + <p>Dwarfed to a more convenient size</p> + + <p>They spend their time in catching flies.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Non-Stop Linguist.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "To O.C. . . . From . . . Brigade. —— Corps + requires services of an officer who can speak Italian + fluently for four or five days." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' + Fancy Dress Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main + Street. No Gentlemen. No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in + mail attire."—<i>Bulawayo Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>In their "knighties," so to speak?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before + them which it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to + reach as soon as possible."—<i>Congleton + Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and + his type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"—<i>Munsey's Magazine</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Another case of the Hidden Hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 + tons, reason sale, requires care when taken out of + harness."—<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on + getting rid of a master of that weight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken + run."—<i>Enfield Gazette</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.—Special + Lecture—'The Great War Novel, Mr. Bristling Sees it + Through.'"<i>—Glasgow Evening News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <h3>HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.</h3> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord + DEVONPORT?"</p> + + <p>"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living + under his ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank + you."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or + twice. It seems to consist very largely of rissoles and that + kind of food."</p> + + <p>"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, + you'd soon get tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every + day."</p> + + <p>"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak + would always be a joy to me."</p> + + <p>"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really + like their eatables tough."</p> + + <p>"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."</p> + + <p>"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's + there, which is a great help when you're being rationed."</p> + + <p>"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women + don't care for that feeling. They like their food light but + stimulating."</p> + + <p>"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one + tray and at irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them + a sort of wicked abundance. To a man it is—"</p> + + <p>"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to + tighten your belt even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't + known you were being rationed you'd never have found it + out."</p> + + <p>"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have + suffered this last week in the matter of beefsteaks and that + kind of food are the worst that can happen to us we shan't have + much to complain of—but I should like a chop to-night + instead of a rissole."</p> + + <p>"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a + cutlet."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much + as we might for Lord DEVONPORT."</p> + + <p>"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the + stable-yard."</p> + + <p>"Hens? What do you know about hens?"</p> + + <p>"For the matter of that, what do you?"</p> + + <p>"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all + the same. I know that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and + that they never lay any eggs unless you put a china egg in + their nest just to coax them along and rouse their ambition. + Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff Orpingtons + can see it?"</p> + + <p>"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems + to think that if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or + so the laying of eggs will be promoted. Won't you go round with + him next time?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm + not going to begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already + said they never lay eggs even when you don't watch them."</p> + + <p>"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "this <i>is</i> exciting. Did the happy + mother announce the event to the world in the usual way?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a + quarter-of-an-hour, and Frederick came along and seized the + subject of her rejoicing. You're going to have it to-night, + boiled, instead of soup and fish."</p> + + <p>"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon + be self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord + DEVONPORT."</p> + + <p>"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up + hen-keeper ever does. Besides, it's our duty to help the + Government all we can, so that Lord DEVONPORT may have so much + more to play with."</p> + + <p>"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't + strike me as being that kind of man at all."</p> + + <p>"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."</p> + + <p>"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's + chin-deep in his work."</p> + + <p>"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're + pulling up the herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, + and that we've started keeping hens, and that we've already got + one egg, and that when the time comes we shall not lack for + chicken, roast or boiled."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to + the tragedies which are inseparable from the possession of Buff + Orpingtons? In the morning a young bird struts about in his + pride, resolved to live his life fearlessly and to salute the + dawn at any and every hour before the break of day. Then + something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally + ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible + struggle; a neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is + chicken for dinner."</p> + + <p>"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to + countermand your egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make + a real friend of a fowl. They've got such silly ways and their + eyes are so beady."</p> + + <p>"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than + our Mrs. Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of + propriety, while they—no matter; I hope the chicken when + its moment comes will be tender and succulent."</p> + + <p>"Hark!" said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and + there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, + to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can + have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,—I mean + cutlet."</p> + + <p>"No," she said.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."</p> + + <p class="author">R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember a day when I felt quite tall</p> + + <p class="i2">Because of a gift of five whole + shillings;</p> + + <p>I was Johnson major then, I recall,</p> + + <p class="i2">And didn't I swank and put on + frillings!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, we know that children are parents of men;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, now that I'm getting an ancient + stager,</p> + + <p>Here am I pleased with a crown again,</p> + + <p class="i2">And signing myself as Johnson, Major.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no + washing; would take England."—<i>Irish Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "During the night an enemy raiding party in the + neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage + before reaching our line."—<i>Continental Daily + Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, + and now the Trunks.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for + about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its + course is almost due South for about the same distance. + Then against the stream it goes due North for about the + same distance."—<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General + MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="650" + src="images/147.png" + alt="She: You know, there's something rather nice about Mr. Thomkins-Smith." /> + </a> + + <p><i>She</i> (<i>referring to host</i>). "YOU KNOW, + THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. + THOMKINS-SMITH."</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> "YES—I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>War and the Future</i> (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is + not a sustained thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of + epigram about the War as he has seen it on the French, Italian + and British fronts, and has thought about it in peaceful Essex. + A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing of the Effigy," + suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long + series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which + has included Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the + First—and Third. In the light of the new time we see the + emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, on the + other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without + fuss and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly + well. There is some particularly interesting matter about + aeroplane work, and the writer betrays a keen distress lest the + cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old school should make + them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the airmen in + the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of + organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, + to which the devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; + but I doubt if he quite makes his point here. And finally this + swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a vision which he has seen of + a new world-wide interrelated republicanism founded on a + recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book + down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate + conversation with a very interesting fellow-traveller.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present + spendthrift course, whatever Board controls the consumption of + paper will have to put him on half rations. I believe that his + literary health would benefit enormously by such a + régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the + almost six hundred pages of <i>In the Wilderness</i> (METHUEN), + and it persists, strengthened now that I have turned the last, + of them. Here is a direct and moving tragedy of three lives, + much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog of superfluous + words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows + the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely + divergent types of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather + than Mr. HICHENS, should be blamed for the fact that the + unmoral <i>Cynthia</i> is many times more interesting than the + virtuous but slightly fatiguing <i>Rosamund</i>. The former is + indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none + the less sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, + however, her success is to some extent due to contrast; for + certainly both <i>Rosamund</i> and <i>Dion</i>, the husband + whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody all the + worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you + know what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility + to surroundings, which renders them so fluid that often the + scenery seems to push them about. It is this, coupled with the + author's own lingering pleasure in a romantic setting, that + delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the book, over + long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the + skill of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at + his best.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <p>Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON + HUTTEN I am glad to say that I consider <i>Magpie</i> + (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a long time since I + read a happier or more holding story. The title is a punning + one, as the heroine's name is really <i>Margaret Pye</i>, but I + am more than willing to overlook this for the sake of the + pleasantly-drawn young woman to whom it refers and the general + interest of the tale. Briefly, this has two movements, one + forward, which deals with the evolution of <i>Mag</i> from a + fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the + charming young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and + concerned with the mystery of a wonderful artist who has + disappeared before the story opens. I have no idea of clearing + up, or even further indicating, this problem to you. But I will + say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect orgy + of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little + breathless. Of course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a + baker's dozen of glaring improbabilities; but I am much + mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for that. A quaint + personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the cast + of <i>Pinkie and the Fairies</i> on its revival) might well + seem an impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of + superiority that rewards the well-informed. But I can assure + Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is all wrong about the acting of + that particular part.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of + periodical publications, I ought to say that the case of <i>The + New Europe</i> (CONSTABLE), whose first completed volume lies + before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' experience of + journalism I never remember a paper containing so much + "meat"—some of it pretty strong meat, too—in + proportion to its size. In hardly a single week since its first + issue in October last have I failed to find between its + tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me information + that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of + something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it + there are many other writers—and even, perhaps, some + statesmen—who have enjoyed the same experience. Dr. + SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who march under + his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, + for example, that <i>Austria est delenda</i> may prove the only + or the best prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs + of South-Eastern Europe), but they always furnish the reader + with the facts enabling him to test their conclusions; and that + in these times is a great merit. My own feeling is that if they + had begun their concerted labours a few years earlier the War + might never have happened; or at least we should have gone into + it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the + Central Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating + them. The tragedies of Serbia and Roumania would almost + certainly have been averted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find + <i>Frailty</i> (CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope + of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S story, sufficiently indicated by its + title, does not admit of humorous relief. But it is both + vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on <i>Charles + Ley</i> that, after heroically curing himself of the drug + habit, he should marry the girl of his choice only to find her + a victim to strong drink. But of course, had this not happened, + the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S tale would have been weakened by + half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the author knows when to + stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, thereby + avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) + plunged the entire cast of <i>Danesbury House</i> into a flood + of alcohol. Not that Miss WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; + she can rise unusually to the demands of a situation, and I + have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than those + that depict the gradual conquest of <i>Charles</i> by the + cocaine fiend, and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. + Here the "strong" writing seemed to me both natural and in + place; ever so much more convincing therefore than when + employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts whether, even + in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone + was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was + <i>Charles</i> when he carried off his chosen mate from a + small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. Fortunately the other + parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it + emphatically a book not to be missed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much + delightful information that he tries to ration himself to so + many pages per day. This is what I resolved to do with <i>In + the Northern Mists</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON); but I could not + keep to my resolution, so attractive was the fare. These + sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed + with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a + sailor you will learn a lot from this admirable theologian + about the men and methods and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. + His book fills me with pride; yet I dare not express it for + fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior service. + So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies + are due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation + of his book. But he seems human enough to pardon the more + venial sins.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="350" + src="images/148.png" + alt="A case for rationing." /></a> + + <h4>A CASE FOR RATIONING.</h4> + + <p>"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I + SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS HIM WARM."</p> + + <p>"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS + RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES + OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope + Gill, barely three months old, who subscribed the whole of + his life's savings. He arrived at the bank with his mother, + and there was poured out before the astonished gaze of the + officials four hundred threepenny pieces."—<i>Weekly + Dispatch</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it + should have compelled him to go into liquidation.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14639-h.htm or 14639-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/6/3/14639/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +February 28th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the +thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this +is impossible. + + *** + +It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having +misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, +we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British. + + *** + +In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a +fine musician and his execution is good." It would be. + + *** + +[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE. + +_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT +FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA +MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."] + + *** + +No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the +beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the +liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the +awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing. + + *** + +Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised. +Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman. + + *** + +According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued +for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly +the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were +permitted to growl. + + *** + +A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one +years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not +thought that he did it purposely. + + *** + +At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine +children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There +seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now +fairly well advertised. + + *** + +Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most +ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is +foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style. + + *** + +Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a +day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to +compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts. + + *** + +"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do +not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar +sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s. + + *** + +"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate +in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to +hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time. + + *** + +The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two +thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus +which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers. + + *** + +Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food +tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food. + + *** + +The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water +Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already +hoisted his bargee. + + *** + +Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a +news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three +months ago nothing could have averted a General Election. + + *** + +A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which +fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being +done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of +ostentatious patriotism. + + *** + +_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in +the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church +magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy. + + *** + +Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their +customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green +peas and rolling them home. + + *** + +"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing +from the table." We have often noticed it do so. + + *** + +"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch +women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in +warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a +time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives. + + *** + +A Felicitous Juxtaposition. + + "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL. + COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_. + + *** + + "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls. + + *** + + "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the + battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg + Daily Mail_. + +Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest. + + *** + +The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?" + + * * * * * + +TO GERMANIA + +FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON. + +_Air_--"To Althaea from Prison." + + When Peace with wide and shining wings + Invades this warring isle, + And my beloved Germania brings + Wearing her largest smile; + When close about her waist I coil + And mouth to mouth apply, + Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When round the No-Conscription board + The wines of Rhineland flow, + And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared + To toast the _status quo_; + When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl + Our happy tears run dry, + Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul, + Will be more pleased than I. + + When sausages and sauerkraut + Fulfil the air with spice, + And loosened tongues the praise shall shout + Of Peace-at-any-price; + When German weeds our lips employ + And hearts are full and high, + Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy, + Will be more pleased than I. + + Stone walls do not my feet confine + Nor yet a barbed-wire cage; + I talk at large and claim as mine + The freeman's heritage; + And, if this wicked War but end + Ere German hopes can die, + Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend, + Will be more pleased than I. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BROKEN SOLDIERS. + +"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much +as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the +parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded +crutches. + +"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with +her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course +it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as +yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner. + +"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a +box of broken soldiers?" + +The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with +condescension, to inquire. + +"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother. + +"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still. + +"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?" + +"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already," +answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver +badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty +cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date +soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both +legs. + +"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver +badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be +understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign. + +"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to +be broken?" + +"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh. + +"Why did Dick?" I persisted. + +"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father +objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite +rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was +more disappointed still." + +"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested. + +"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know. +She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing +them." + +"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty +together again," I said. + +"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela. + +"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I +remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us +clamorously in the hall. + +"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick. + +"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my +pocket and handed it over. + +"Is that all?" demanded Alice. + +"There's one more," I said. + +"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very +nicely as she took my arm. + +"No, that's for me," she said. + + * * * * * + +A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA. + +The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel. +The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the +rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters +washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a +good-sized town lay there. + +I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some +difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it +open, entered. + +A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer +was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman. +His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his +garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each +side of him stood an armed guard. + +"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly. + +"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head +high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and +yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as +if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream. + +"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no +alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out +at dawn. Remove the prisoner." + +The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling +with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he +bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was +marched away. + +The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I +ever had on my ship." + +He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of +unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to +the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL. + +[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on +account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed +an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER. + +_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE." + +_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO +TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."] + + * * * * * + +WEATHER-VANES. + +It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the +situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his +hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who +was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink +form. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read. + +"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with +East in it). "Give me the message book." + +Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun +sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next +message. + +"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W." + +"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork. +"Which way _is_ the wind then?" + +The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened +forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways +it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in +his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any +wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The +responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade +on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there +must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language, +went to sleep. + +In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who +broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second +poached egg. + +"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the +limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be +done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will +you?" + +Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of +it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time. +People have been known to pass things to them unasked.) + +"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff +Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the +ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They +aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the +old woman told me." + +"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.) +"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will +let you--they're in there now, aren't they?" + +"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the +Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse." + +"Why?" said the General. + +"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all +after dinner." + +"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot." + + * * * * * + +"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!" + +"I brought the vanes, Sir." + +"Have any trouble?" + +"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was +true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of +interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them +behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..." + +"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the +main thing." + +"Where will you have one put, Sir?" + +"In the fields," said the B.M. + +"Not too low," said the Captain. + +"Or too high," said Signals. + +"Or too far away," said the attached officer. + +"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney." + +They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly +dug-in. + + * * * * * + +"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning. + +"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the +vernacular). "Where's our vane?" + +"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--" + +"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major +(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright +and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle. + +"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this +is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He +touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O. + +"Paralysed," said the B.M. + +"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain. + +"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the +O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one). + +"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!" + +A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a +handkerchief. + +"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!" + +The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one). + +"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!" + +"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute." + +"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!" + +"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff +Captain. + +"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M. + +I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to +moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)." + +"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite +perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit +slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a +bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right." + +"Yes, Sir," said the O.O. + +"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off. + +"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots, +"and on m-me!" + + * * * * * + +The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three +days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers, +who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane +was working. + +"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?" + +"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since +he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the +interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the +pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir, +tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's +quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it, +and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the +wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--" + +"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness, +"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here +to-morrow; the division's going back." + +The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and +bitter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER. + +_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE +FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--" + +_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"] + + * * * * * + +Result of the Blockade. + +Notice on a railway bookstall:-- + +"MEN AROUND THE KAISER. +MUCH REDUCED." + + * * * * * + + "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was + Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite + harmless."--_Daily News_. + +Obviously an impostor. + + * * * * * + + "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates + celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire + Herald_. + +What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless +phrase. + + * * * * * + +The Super-Submarine. + + "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which + boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then + authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_. + + * * * * * + +Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:-- + + "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and + taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_. + +We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next +season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for +eightpence or so. + + * * * * * + +THE MISSING LEADER. + + What is Master WINSTON doing? + What new paths is he pursuing? + What strange broth can he be brewing? + + Is he painting, by commission, + Portraits of the Coalition + For the R.A. exhibition? + + Is he Jacky-obin or anti? + Is he likely to "go Fanti," + Or becoming shrewd and canty? + + Is he in disguise at Kovel, + Living in a moujik's hovel, + Making a tremendous novel? + + Does he run a photo-play show? + Or in _saeva indignatio_ + Is he writing for HORATIO? + + Fired by the divine afflatus + Does he weekly lacerate us, + Like a Juvenal _renatus?_ + + As the great financial purist, + Will he smite the sinecurist + Or emerge as a Futurist? + + Is he regularly sending + HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending, + Good advice with censure blending? + + Is he ploughing, is he hoeing? + Is he planting beet, or going + In for early 'tato-growing? + + Is he writing verse or prosing, + Or intent upon disclosing + Gifts for musical composing? + + Is he lecturing to flappers? + Is he tunnelling with sappers? + Has he joined the U-boat trappers? + + Or, to petrify recorders + Of events within our borders, + _Has he taken Holy Orders?_ + + Is he well or ill or middling? + Is he fighting, is he fiddling?-- + He can't only be thumb-twiddling. + + These are merely dim surmises, + But experience advises + Us to look for weird surprises, + Somersaults, and strange disguises. + + * * * * * + + Thus we summed the situation + When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration + Brought about a transformation. + + Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges + On a sudden re-emerges + And, to calm the naval _gurges_, + FISHER'S restoration urges. + + * * * * * + +A Work of Supererogation. + + "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our + G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing + Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +INFORMATION WANTED. + +No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a +law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask +everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask +casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are +so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem, +and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like +chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an +answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an +inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did +someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to +be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or +is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as +to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I +knew these things. + +Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising +out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so +many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in +the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest +against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every +performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in +Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day +by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of +Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary +visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but +enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but +no one tells me the one thing I want to know. + +Perhaps YOU can. + +I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want +to know what would happen if we did. + + * * * * * + +What to do with Our Dogs. + + "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now. + Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_. + + * * * * * + + "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too +extravagant in these times. + + * * * * * + +BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT. + + This scheme of keeping rabbits + To fatten them as food + Breaks up the kindly habits + Acquired in babyhood; + For we, as youthful scions, + Were taught to love the dears + And bring them dandelions + And lift them by the ears. + + We learned how each new litter + That came to Flip or Fan + Grew finer and grew fitter + With tea-leaves in the bran; + We learned which stalks were milky + And which were merely tough, + What grass was good for Silky + And what was good for Fluff. + + Such moral mild up-bringing + Now makes me much distressed + When little necks need wringing + And little paws protest, + Lest wraiths from empty hutches + Should haunt me, hung in pairs, + And ghosts--'tis here it touches-- + Of happy Belgian hares. + + However, with my morals + I manfully shall cope, + And back my country's quarrels, + But none the less I hope + Before poor Bunny's taken + As stuff for knife and fork + The hedge-hog will be bacon, + The guinea-pig be pork. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +PROBLEMS FOR PETROLEUSES. + +The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women +taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be +required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As, +however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, +we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a +more general character:-- + +(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able +to fling a pint of London mud? + +(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much? + +(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the +following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania. + +(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be +employed? + +(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman, +wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare +plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of +this generosity. + +(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the +Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly. + +(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and +serviceable uniform for a lady-driver. + +(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection-- + + "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"? + "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"? + +(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two +spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a +single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well? + +(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do +you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at +that time? + +(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction +to "The Palace" from-- + + (a) The PRIME MINISTER? + (b) The Bishop of LONDON? + (c) Any Second-Lieutenant? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant +in Gramophone Department_). + +"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' +I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION +WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"] + + * * * * * + +A PROPHET OF EVIL. + + "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY. + + 'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily + Chronicle_." + + * * * * * + +From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:-- + + "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all + parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be + available before the opening day." + +You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the +insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST +UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS +TO TAKE NO NOTICE." + +_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS +TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +THE ACTING BOMBARDIER. + + When JOOLIUS CAESAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road + An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine, + The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load + Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine. + When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse + And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear, + The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across + Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too, + Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows; + They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew + An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s; + An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell, + An' the full edition's poured into the ear + Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well), + The man with actin' rank o' bombardier. + + Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon, + The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea, + The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon, + The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.; + The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard, + The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer, + An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard + Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier. + + Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night, + Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow, + An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright + ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know"); + An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun, + An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day; + An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun + Accompany one stripe (without the pay). + + But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie, + Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot; + Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree + To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot; + The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank, + An' little changes means a step up 'ere, + So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank, + I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS. + +{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) } +{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_) } + +"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."] + +_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that +the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven +hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I +did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good +sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous +to the State. + +Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially +represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might +assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be +prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to +the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have +retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace +Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative. + +There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private +room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the +advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to +the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the +Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries +merely amount to the trifle of L133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a +branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in +the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S +objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into +contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them +confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will +shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in. + +_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the +War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering +their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary +gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which +gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when +he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off +his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling +reply. + +This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen +times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the +refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery" +to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures +effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the +Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of +one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches +put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to +reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had +to intervene to stop the treatment. + +The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway +advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable +peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which +stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. +PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless +case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely, +but was more impressed by a masterly expose of the facts by Mr. RONALD +M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in +the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a +cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who +sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support. + +_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews +of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; +and when the authors of the Turkish _communiques_ hear of it they are +expected to put in a similar claim. + +Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell +us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had +almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and +conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They +and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, +now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, +discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of +the Senior Service. + +He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the +Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could +he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had +already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON +CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been +lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly +misinformed or highly imaginative. + +_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the +SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. +LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the +wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to +be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and +called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he +substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger +of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that +"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's +purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in +which it was offered. + +Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a +disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home +Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., +for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the +good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill +that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless. + +_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of +tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before +very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the +burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have +a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to +be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and +the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good +many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the +prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what +they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID +MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S +absence, was soon talking to empty benches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU +HAVE TO JOIN UP?" + +_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO +SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO +ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS +TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.] + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLIMENT. + +We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another +man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of +course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise +what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular +narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen. + +"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary +seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too +physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the +Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a +recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter +awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his +coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one +we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke +our little piece, urging the claims of country. + +"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we +did our best. + +"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public +building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The +trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of +which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the +Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and +that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told +the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way +for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company. + +"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators, +and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed +the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and +indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are +plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we +would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to +us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'" + +That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to +think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought +not rather to call him a man with a triumph. + + * * * * * + + "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1 + month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times + and Mirror_. + +A little less than kin and more than kine. + + * * * * * + + "Washington, Thursday. + + The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed + virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export + until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is + relieved."--_Evening Standard_. + +This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is +the depletion of our own sideboard. + + * * * * * + +From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:-- + + "An acre of Oats will + feed for a week . . 100 people. + An acre of Potatoes . 200 " + " " of Beef . . 8 " "--_Irish Times_. + +We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last +statement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS, +THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?" + +_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."] + + * * * * * + +THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR. + +A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES. + + Long ages ere the Age of Man, + While yet this earthly crust was thinnish, + The War of Might and Right began, + Proceeding swiftly to a finish; + And this provides in many ways + An object-lesson nowadays. + + The Saurians, clad in coats of mail, + Shone with a most attractive lustre; + Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail-- + They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster; + They laid their eggs in every land + And hid them deftly in the sand. + + The Mammals, small as yet and few, + Relying less on scales and muscles, + Developed diaphragms, and grew + Non-nucleated red corpuscles; + They walked more nimbly on their legs + And learnt the art of sucking eggs. + + The Saurians, spoiling for a fight, + Went off in high explosive fashion; + They lashed themselves to left and right + Into a pre-historic passion; + The Mammals, on the other hand, + Ate all their eggs up in the sand. + + Those precious eggs, a source of pride + On which the Saurian hopes depended, + Kept all their enemies supplied + With life by which their own was ended; + And where they fondly hoped to spread + The Mammals lived and throve instead. + + And so the Saurians passed from view, + Leaving behind the faintest traces, + No longer bent on hacking through, + Though looking still for sunny places; + Dwarfed to a more convenient size + They spend their time in catching flies. + + * * * * * + +THE NON-STOP LINGUIST. + + "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an + officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days." + + * * * * * + + "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress + Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen. + No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo + Chronicle_. + +In their "knighties," so to speak? + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which + it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as + possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his + type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the + front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_. + +Another case of the Hidden Hand. + + * * * * * + + "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason + sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily + Mail_. + +Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a +master of that weight. + + * * * * * + + "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield + Gazette_. + +Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours. + + * * * * * + + "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr. + Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_. + +Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this. + + * * * * * + +HELPING LORD DEVONPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?" + +"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his +ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you." + +"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems +to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food." + +"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get +tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day." + +"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a +joy to me." + +"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their +eatables tough." + +"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know." + +"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?" + +"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a +great help when you're being rationed." + +"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for +that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating." + +"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at +irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked +abundance. To a man it is--" + +"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt +even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed +you'd never have found it out." + +"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last +week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that +can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a +chop to-night instead of a rissole." + +"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet." + +"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for +Lord DEVONPORT." + +"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard." + +"Hens? What do you know about hens?" + +"For the matter of that, what do you?" + +"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know +that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs +unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse +their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff +Orpingtons can see it?" + +"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that +if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will +be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?" + +"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to +begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs +even when you don't watch them." + +"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning." + +"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the +event to the world in the usual way?" + +"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and +Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going +to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish." + +"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be +self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT." + +"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever +does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that +Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with." + +"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as +being that kind of man at all." + +"I daresay he plays in his off-hours." + +"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his +work." + +"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the +herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started +keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time +comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled." + +"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies +which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the +morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life +fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of +day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally +ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a +neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner." + +"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your +egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl. +They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady." + +"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs. +Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no +matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and +succulent." + +"Hark!" said Francesca. + +"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick +rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too +late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my +chop,--I mean cutlet." + +"No," she said. + +"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK. + + I remember a day when I felt quite tall + Because of a gift of five whole shillings; + I was Johnson major then, I recall, + And didn't I swank and put on frillings! + + Well, we know that children are parents of men; + And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager, + Here am I pleased with a crown again, + And signing myself as Johnson, Major. + + * * * * * + + "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would + take England."--_Irish Times_. + +The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam. + + * * * * * + + "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of + Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our + line."--_Continental Daily Mail_. + +There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the +Trunks. + + * * * * * + + "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four + miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South + for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North + for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves +all the greater credit for his success. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING +RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH." + +_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained +thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he +has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought +about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing +of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long +series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included +Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the +new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, +on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss +and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is +some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer +betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old +school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the +airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of +organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the +devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite +makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a +vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism +founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book +down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with +a very interesting fellow-traveller. + + * * * * * + +Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course, +whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on +half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously +by such a regime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six +hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists, +strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and +moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog +of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows +the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types +of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be +blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more +interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former +is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less +sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success +is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and +_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody +all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know +what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings, +which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them +about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a +romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the +book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill +of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best. + + * * * * * + +Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad +to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a +long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a +punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more +than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young +woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this +has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_ +from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming +young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the +mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I +have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to +you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect +orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of +course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring +improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for +that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the +cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an +impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that +rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is +all wrong about the acting of that particular part. + + * * * * * + +As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications, +I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first +completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' +experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much +"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In +hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to +find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me +information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of +something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are +many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the +same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who +march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure, +for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best +prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern +Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to +test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own +feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years +earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone +into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central +Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies +of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted. + + * * * * * + +I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_ +(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S +story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous +relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on +_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he +should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong +drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S +tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the +author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, +thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged +the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss +WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of +a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than +those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend, +and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing +seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing +therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts +whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone +was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he +carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. +Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it +emphatically a book not to be missed. + + * * * * * + +Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful +information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This +is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the +fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed +with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you +will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods +and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare +not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior +service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are +due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But +he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING. + +"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS +HIM WARM." + +"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS +CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely + three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He + arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before + the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny + pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_. + +We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have +compelled him to go into liquidation. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14639.txt or 14639.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/6/3/14639/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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