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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the
+thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this
+is impossible.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having
+misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT,
+we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British.
+
+       ***
+
+In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a
+fine musician and his execution is good." It would be.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE.
+
+_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT
+FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA
+MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."]
+
+       ***
+
+No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the
+beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the
+liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the
+awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised.
+Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued
+for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly
+the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were
+permitted to growl.
+
+       ***
+
+A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one
+years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not
+thought that he did it purposely.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine
+children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There
+seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now
+fairly well advertised.
+
+       ***
+
+Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most
+ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is
+foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style.
+
+       ***
+
+Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a
+day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to
+compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts.
+
+       ***
+
+"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do
+not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar
+sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s.
+
+       ***
+
+"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate
+in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to
+hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two
+thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus
+which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers.
+
+       ***
+
+Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food
+tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food.
+
+       ***
+
+The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water
+Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already
+hoisted his bargee.
+
+       ***
+
+Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a
+news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three
+months ago nothing could have averted a General Election.
+
+       ***
+
+A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which
+fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being
+done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of
+ostentatious patriotism.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in
+the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church
+magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their
+customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green
+peas and rolling them home.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing
+from the table." We have often noticed it do so.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch
+women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in
+warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a
+time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A Felicitous Juxtaposition.
+
+    "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
+    COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_.
+
+       ***
+
+    "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls.
+
+       ***
+
+    "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the
+    battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest.
+
+       ***
+
+The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO GERMANIA
+
+FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.
+
+_Air_--"To Althæa from Prison."
+
+  When Peace with wide and shining wings
+    Invades this warring isle,
+  And my beloved Germania brings
+    Wearing her largest smile;
+  When close about her waist I coil
+    And mouth to mouth apply,
+  Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When round the No-Conscription board
+    The wines of Rhineland flow,
+  And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared
+    To toast the _status quo_;
+  When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl
+    Our happy tears run dry,
+  Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When sausages and sauerkraut
+    Fulfil the air with spice,
+  And loosened tongues the praise shall shout
+    Of Peace-at-any-price;
+  When German weeds our lips employ
+    And hearts are full and high,
+  Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  Stone walls do not my feet confine
+    Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;
+  I talk at large and claim as mine
+    The freeman's heritage;
+  And, if this wicked War but end
+    Ere German hopes can die,
+  Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.
+
+"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much
+as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the
+parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded
+crutches.
+
+"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with
+her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course
+it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as
+yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner.
+
+"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a
+box of broken soldiers?"
+
+The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with
+condescension, to inquire.
+
+"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother.
+
+"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still.
+
+"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"
+
+"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already,"
+answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver
+badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty
+cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both
+legs.
+
+"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver
+badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be
+understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign.
+
+"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to
+be broken?"
+
+"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.
+
+"Why did Dick?" I persisted.
+
+"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father
+objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite
+rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was
+more disappointed still."
+
+"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested.
+
+"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know.
+She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing
+them."
+
+"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty
+together again," I said.
+
+"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.
+
+"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I
+remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us
+clamorously in the hall.
+
+"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.
+
+"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my
+pocket and handed it over.
+
+"Is that all?" demanded Alice.
+
+"There's one more," I said.
+
+"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very
+nicely as she took my arm.
+
+"No, that's for me," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.
+
+The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel.
+The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the
+rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters
+washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a
+good-sized town lay there.
+
+I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some
+difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it
+open, entered.
+
+A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer
+was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman.
+His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his
+garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each
+side of him stood an armed guard.
+
+"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly.
+
+"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head
+high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and
+yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as
+if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream.
+
+"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no
+alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out
+at dawn. Remove the prisoner."
+
+The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling
+with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he
+bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was
+marched away.
+
+The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I
+ever had on my ship."
+
+He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of
+unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to
+the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL.
+
+[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on
+account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed
+an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.
+
+_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO
+TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER-VANES.
+
+It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the
+situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his
+hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who
+was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+form.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.
+
+"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with
+East in it). "Give me the message book."
+
+Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun
+sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next
+message.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."
+
+"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork.
+"Which way _is_ the wind then?"
+
+The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened
+forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways
+it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in
+his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any
+wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade
+on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there
+must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language,
+went to sleep.
+
+In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who
+broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second
+poached egg.
+
+"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the
+limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be
+done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will
+you?"
+
+Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of
+it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time.
+People have been known to pass things to them unasked.)
+
+"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff
+Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the
+ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They
+aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the
+old woman told me."
+
+"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.)
+"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will
+let you--they're in there now, aren't they?"
+
+"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the
+Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse."
+
+"Why?" said the General.
+
+"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all
+after dinner."
+
+"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"
+
+"I brought the vanes, Sir."
+
+"Have any trouble?"
+
+"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was
+true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of
+interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them
+behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..."
+
+"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the
+main thing."
+
+"Where will you have one put, Sir?"
+
+"In the fields," said the B.M.
+
+"Not too low," said the Captain.
+
+"Or too high," said Signals.
+
+"Or too far away," said the attached officer.
+
+"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney."
+
+They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly
+dug-in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning.
+
+"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the
+vernacular). "Where's our vane?"
+
+"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--"
+
+"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major
+(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright
+and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.
+
+"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this
+is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He
+touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.
+
+"Paralysed," said the B.M.
+
+"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.
+
+"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the
+O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one).
+
+"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!"
+
+A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a
+handkerchief.
+
+"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"
+
+The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).
+
+"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!"
+
+"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute."
+
+"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!"
+
+"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff
+Captain.
+
+"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.
+
+I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to
+moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)."
+
+"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite
+perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit
+slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a
+bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right."
+
+"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.
+
+"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off.
+
+"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots,
+"and on m-me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three
+days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers,
+who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane
+was working.
+
+"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?"
+
+"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since
+he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the
+interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the
+pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir,
+tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's
+quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it,
+and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the
+wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--"
+
+"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness,
+"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here
+to-morrow; the division's going back."
+
+The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and
+bitter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.
+
+_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE
+FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--"
+
+_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Result of the Blockade.
+
+Notice on a railway bookstall:--
+
+"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.
+MUCH REDUCED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was
+    Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite
+    harmless."--_Daily News_.
+
+Obviously an impostor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates
+    celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire
+    Herald_.
+
+What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless
+phrase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Super-Submarine.
+
+    "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which
+    boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then
+    authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:--
+
+    "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and
+    taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next
+season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for
+eightpence or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING LEADER.
+
+  What is Master WINSTON doing?
+  What new paths is he pursuing?
+  What  strange  broth   can   he   be brewing?
+
+  Is he painting, by commission,
+  Portraits of the Coalition
+  For the R.A. exhibition?
+
+  Is he Jacky-obin or anti?
+  Is he likely to "go Fanti,"
+  Or becoming shrewd and canty?
+
+  Is he in disguise at Kovel,
+  Living in a moujik's hovel,
+  Making a tremendous novel?
+
+  Does he run a photo-play show?
+  Or in _sæva indignatio_
+  Is he writing for HORATIO?
+
+  Fired by the divine afflatus
+  Does he weekly lacerate us,
+  Like a Juvenal _renatus?_
+
+  As the great financial purist,
+  Will he smite the sinecurist
+  Or emerge as a Futurist?
+
+  Is he regularly sending
+  HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,
+  Good advice with censure blending?
+
+  Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?
+  Is he planting beet, or going
+  In for early 'tato-growing?
+
+  Is he writing verse or prosing,
+  Or intent upon disclosing
+  Gifts for musical composing?
+
+  Is he lecturing to flappers?
+  Is he tunnelling with sappers?
+  Has he joined the U-boat trappers?
+
+  Or, to petrify recorders
+  Of events within our borders,
+  _Has he taken Holy Orders?_
+
+  Is he well or ill or middling?
+  Is he fighting, is he fiddling?--
+  He can't only be thumb-twiddling.
+
+  These are merely dim surmises,
+  But experience advises
+  Us to look for weird surprises,
+  Somersaults, and strange disguises.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Thus we summed the situation
+  When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration
+  Brought about a transformation.
+
+  Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges
+  On a sudden re-emerges
+  And, to calm the naval _gurges_,
+  FISHER'S restoration urges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Work of Supererogation.
+
+    "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our
+    G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing
+    Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFORMATION WANTED.
+
+No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a
+law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask
+everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask
+casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are
+so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem,
+and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like
+chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an
+answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an
+inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to
+be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or
+is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as
+to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I
+knew these things.
+
+Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising
+out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so
+many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in
+the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest
+against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every
+performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in
+Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day
+by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of
+Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary
+visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but
+enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but
+no one tells me the one thing I want to know.
+
+Perhaps YOU can.
+
+I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want
+to know what would happen if we did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What to do with Our Dogs.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now.
+    Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too
+extravagant in these times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.
+
+  This scheme of keeping rabbits
+    To fatten them as food
+  Breaks up the kindly habits
+    Acquired in babyhood;
+  For we, as youthful scions,
+    Were taught to love the dears
+  And bring them dandelions
+    And lift them by the ears.
+
+  We learned how each new litter
+    That came to Flip or Fan
+  Grew finer and grew fitter
+    With tea-leaves in the bran;
+  We learned which stalks were milky
+    And which were merely tough,
+  What grass was good for Silky
+    And what was good for Fluff.
+
+  Such moral mild up-bringing
+    Now makes me much distressed
+  When little necks need wringing
+    And little paws protest,
+  Lest wraiths from empty hutches
+    Should haunt me, hung in pairs,
+  And ghosts--'tis here it touches--
+    Of happy Belgian hares.
+
+  However, with my morals
+    I manfully shall cope,
+  And back my country's quarrels,
+    But none the less I hope
+  Before poor Bunny's taken
+    As stuff for knife and fork
+  The hedge-hog will be bacon,
+    The guinea-pig be pork.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.
+
+The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women
+taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be
+required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As,
+however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes,
+we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a
+more general character:--
+
+(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able
+to fling a pint of London mud?
+
+(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much?
+
+(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the
+following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania.
+
+(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be
+employed?
+
+(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman,
+wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare
+plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of
+this generosity.
+
+(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the
+Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly.
+
+(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and
+serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.
+
+(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection--
+
+  "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"?
+  "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"?
+
+(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two
+spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a
+single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?
+
+(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do
+you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at
+that time?
+
+(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction
+to "The Palace" from--
+
+  (a) The PRIME MINISTER?
+  (b) The Bishop of LONDON?
+  (c) Any Second-Lieutenant?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant
+in Gramophone Department_).
+
+"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,'
+I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION
+WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROPHET OF EVIL.
+
+    "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+
+    'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily
+    Chronicle_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:--
+
+    "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all
+    parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be
+    available before the opening day."
+
+You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the
+insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST
+UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+TO TAKE NO NOTICE."
+
+_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS
+TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.
+
+  When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road
+    An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine,
+  The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load
+    Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine.
+  When  NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse
+    And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear,
+  The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across
+    Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, the  Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too,
+    Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows;
+  They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew
+    An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;
+  An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell,
+    An' the full edition's poured into the ear
+  Of the  man that's got  to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well),
+    The man with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon,
+    The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea,
+  The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon,
+    The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.;
+  The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard,
+    The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer,
+  An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard
+  Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night,
+    Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,
+  An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright
+    ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know");
+  An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun,
+    An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day;
+  An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun
+    Accompany one stripe (without the pay).
+
+  But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie,
+    Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot;
+  Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree
+    To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot;
+  The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank,
+    An' little changes means a step up 'ere,
+  So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank,
+    I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.
+
+{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) }
+{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_)        }
+
+"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."]
+
+_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that
+the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven
+hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I
+did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous
+to the State.
+
+Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially
+represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might
+assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be
+prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to
+the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace
+Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative.
+
+There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private
+room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the
+advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to
+the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries
+merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a
+branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in
+the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into
+contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them
+confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will
+shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.
+
+_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the
+War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering
+their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary
+gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which
+gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when
+he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off
+his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling
+reply.
+
+This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen
+times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the
+refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery"
+to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures
+effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of
+one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches
+put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to
+reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had
+to intervene to stop the treatment.
+
+The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway
+advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable
+peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which
+stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr.
+PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless
+case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely,
+but was more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by Mr. RONALD
+M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in
+the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a
+cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who
+sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support.
+
+_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews
+of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money;
+and when the authors of the Turkish _communiqués_ hear of it they are
+expected to put in a similar claim.
+
+Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell
+us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had
+almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They
+and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON,
+now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions,
+discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of
+the Senior Service.
+
+He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the
+Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could
+he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had
+already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON
+CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been
+lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly
+misinformed or highly imaginative.
+
+_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the
+SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr.
+LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the
+wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to
+be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and
+called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he
+substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger
+of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that
+"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in
+which it was offered.
+
+Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a
+disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P.,
+for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the
+good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill
+that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless.
+
+_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of
+tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before
+very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the
+burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have
+a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to
+be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and
+the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good
+many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what
+they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID
+MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S
+absence, was soon talking to empty benches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU
+HAVE TO JOIN UP?"
+
+_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO
+SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO
+ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS
+TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPLIMENT.
+
+We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another
+man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of
+course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise
+what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular
+narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.
+
+"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary
+seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too
+physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the
+Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a
+recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter
+awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one
+we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke
+our little piece, urging the claims of country.
+
+"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we
+did our best.
+
+"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public
+building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The
+trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of
+which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the
+Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and
+that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told
+the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way
+for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company.
+
+"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators,
+and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed
+the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and
+indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are
+plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we
+would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to
+us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'"
+
+That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to
+think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought
+not rather to call him a man with a triumph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1
+    month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times
+    and Mirror_.
+
+A little less than kin and more than kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Thursday.
+
+    The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed
+    virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export
+    until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is
+    relieved."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is
+the depletion of our own sideboard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:--
+
+    "An acre of Oats will
+       feed for a week . . 100 people.
+    An acre of Potatoes  . 200   "
+     "  "   of Beef    . .   8   " "--_Irish Times_.
+
+We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last
+statement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS,
+THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"
+
+_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.
+
+A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.
+
+  Long ages ere the Age of Man,
+    While yet this earthly crust was thinnish,
+  The War of Might and Right began,
+    Proceeding swiftly to a finish;
+  And this provides in many ways
+  An object-lesson nowadays.
+
+  The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,
+    Shone with a most attractive lustre;
+  Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail--
+    They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster;
+  They laid their eggs in every land
+  And hid them deftly in the sand.
+
+  The Mammals, small as yet and few,
+    Relying less on scales and muscles,
+  Developed diaphragms, and grew
+    Non-nucleated red corpuscles;
+  They walked more nimbly on their legs
+  And learnt the art of sucking eggs.
+
+  The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,
+    Went off in high explosive fashion;
+  They lashed themselves to left and right
+    Into a pre-historic passion;
+  The Mammals, on the other hand,
+  Ate all their eggs up in the sand.
+
+  Those precious eggs, a source of pride
+    On which the Saurian hopes depended,
+  Kept all their enemies supplied
+    With life by which their own was ended;
+  And where they fondly hoped to spread
+  The Mammals lived and throve instead.
+
+  And so the Saurians passed from view,
+    Leaving behind the faintest traces,
+  No longer bent on hacking through,
+    Though looking still for sunny places;
+  Dwarfed to a more convenient size
+  They spend their time in catching flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NON-STOP LINGUIST.
+
+    "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an
+    officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress
+    Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen.
+    No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo
+    Chronicle_.
+
+In their "knighties," so to speak?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which
+    it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as
+    possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his
+    type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+    front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_.
+
+Another case of the Hidden Hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason
+    sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a
+master of that weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield
+    Gazette_.
+
+Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr.
+    Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_.
+
+Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?"
+
+"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his
+ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you."
+
+"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems
+to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food."
+
+"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get
+tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day."
+
+"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a
+joy to me."
+
+"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their
+eatables tough."
+
+"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."
+
+"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"
+
+"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a
+great help when you're being rationed."
+
+"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for
+that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating."
+
+"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at
+irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked
+abundance. To a man it is--"
+
+"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt
+even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed
+you'd never have found it out."
+
+"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last
+week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that
+can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a
+chop to-night instead of a rissole."
+
+"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet."
+
+"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for
+Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard."
+
+"Hens? What do you know about hens?"
+
+"For the matter of that, what do you?"
+
+"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know
+that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs
+unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse
+their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff
+Orpingtons can see it?"
+
+"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that
+if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will
+be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?"
+
+"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to
+begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs
+even when you don't watch them."
+
+"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the
+event to the world in the usual way?"
+
+"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and
+Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going
+to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish."
+
+"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be
+self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever
+does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that
+Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with."
+
+"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as
+being that kind of man at all."
+
+"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."
+
+"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his
+work."
+
+"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the
+herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started
+keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time
+comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies
+which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the
+morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life
+fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of
+day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a
+neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner."
+
+"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your
+egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl.
+They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady."
+
+"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs.
+Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no
+matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and
+succulent."
+
+"Hark!" said Francesca.
+
+"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick
+rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too
+late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my
+chop,--I mean cutlet."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.
+
+  I remember a day when I felt quite tall
+    Because of a gift of five whole shillings;
+  I was Johnson major then, I recall,
+    And didn't I swank and put on frillings!
+
+  Well, we know that children are parents of men;
+    And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager,
+  Here am I pleased with a crown again,
+    And signing myself as Johnson, Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would
+    take England."--_Irish Times_.
+
+The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of
+    Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our
+    line."--_Continental Daily Mail_.
+
+There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the
+Trunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four
+    miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South
+    for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North
+    for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves
+all the greater credit for his success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
+RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH."
+
+_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained
+thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he
+has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought
+about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing
+of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included
+Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the
+new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE,
+on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss
+and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is
+some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer
+betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old
+school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the
+airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the
+devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite
+makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a
+vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism
+founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with
+a very interesting fellow-traveller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course,
+whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on
+half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously
+by such a régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six
+hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists,
+strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and
+moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog
+of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types
+of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be
+blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more
+interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former
+is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less
+sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success
+is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and
+_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody
+all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know
+what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings,
+which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them
+about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a
+romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the
+book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill
+of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad
+to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a
+long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a
+punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more
+than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young
+woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this
+has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_
+from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming
+young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the
+mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I
+have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to
+you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect
+orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of
+course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring
+improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for
+that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the
+cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an
+impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that
+rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is
+all wrong about the acting of that particular part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications,
+I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first
+completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years'
+experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In
+hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to
+find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me
+information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are
+many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the
+same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who
+march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best
+prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern
+Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to
+test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own
+feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years
+earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone
+into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central
+Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies
+of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_
+(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S
+story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous
+relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on
+_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he
+should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong
+drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S
+tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the
+author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two,
+thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged
+the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss
+WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of
+a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than
+those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend,
+and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing
+seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing
+therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts
+whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he
+carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square.
+Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+emphatically a book not to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful
+information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This
+is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the
+fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you
+will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods
+and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare
+not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior
+service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are
+due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But
+he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING.
+
+"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS
+HIM WARM."
+
+"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS
+CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely
+    three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He
+    arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before
+    the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny
+    pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have
+compelled him to go into liquidation.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 28th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133"
+       id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span>
+
+    <h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3>
+
+    <p>One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute
+    horror at the thought of being prematurely buried. Several
+    experts however say that this is impossible.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF
+    BAVARIA of having misunderstood an order, thus losing
+    Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, we understand, retorted
+    that the real culprits were the British.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the <i>Cologne
+    Gazette</i> says, "He is a fine musician and his execution is
+    good." It would be.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/133.png"><img width="450"
+             src="images/133.png"
+             alt="The paper shortage." /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE PAPER SHORTAGE.</h4>
+
+        <p><i>News Editor of</i> "<i>Daily Bugle Blast</i>." "JUST
+        TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS,
+        PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA MUST APPRISE WORLD
+        THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost
+    since the beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has
+    been received with the liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat
+    commanders who have been in the awkward predicament of not
+    knowing whether they were officially missing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United
+    States disguised. Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an
+    officer and a gentleman.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone
+    tickets are issued for making soup, but the bone must be
+    returned to the authorities. Possibly the hardship of the
+    procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were permitted
+    to growl.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he
+    was forty-one years old, and only missed the age-limit by
+    eighteen hours. It is not thought that he did it purposely.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated
+    that he had nine children, but upon counting them again he
+    discovered that he had ten. There seems to be no excuse for
+    this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now fairly well
+    advertised.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It
+    is a most ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived."
+    This, of course, is foolish talk, for the lady has not seen
+    next season's style.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more
+    than one cigar a day to a customer. To conserve the supply
+    still further it is proposed to compel the tobacconist to offer
+    each customer the alternative of nuts.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY,
+    M.P., "I do not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been
+    known to express similar sentiments upon sighting certain
+    M.P.'s.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a
+    London magistrate in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing
+    how some policeman are able to hold them up without assistance
+    for several seconds at a time.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced,
+    will be over two thousand. It is still hoped, however, that
+    there may be a small surplus which can be devoted to the needs
+    of disabled soldiers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing
+    counterfeit food tickets. The defence will presumably be that
+    it wasn't real food.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the
+    Inland Water Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we
+    understand, has already hoisted his bargee.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from
+    China, says a news item, and will be used for confectionery.
+    Had they arrived three months ago nothing could have averted a
+    General Election.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid
+    an egg which fetched 35<i>s.</i> In the best hen circles, where
+    steady silent work is being done, there is a growing tendency
+    to frown upon these isolated acts of ostentatious
+    patriotism.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Times</i>, it seems, has not published a complete
+    list of its rivals in the desperate struggle for the smallest
+    circulation. A Finchley Church magazine has increased its price
+    to 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> a copy.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in
+    Bangor, and their customers are patriotically assisting this
+    economy by unpodding their green peas and rolling them
+    home.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is
+    fast disappearing from the table." We have often noticed it do
+    so.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the <i>Berliner
+    Tageblatt</i>, "to watch women-folk walking beside their
+    half-starved dogs. There is no room in warfare for dogs." We
+    have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a time when
+    one half the dachshund does not know how the other half
+    lives.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>A Felicitous Juxtaposition.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.<br />
+         COL. &mdash;&mdash; LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."&mdash;<i>Lincoln
+        Leader</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+        Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in
+    fowls.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome
+        after the battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from
+        Kiel."&mdash;<i>Johannesburg Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the
+    roughest.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134"
+       id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>
+
+    <h3>TO GERMANIA</h3>
+
+    <h4>FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Air</i>&mdash;"To Alth&aelig;a from
+    Prison."</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When Peace with wide and shining wings</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Invades this warring isle,</p>
+
+            <p>And my beloved Germania brings</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wearing her largest smile;</p>
+
+            <p>When close about her waist I coil</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And mouth to mouth apply,</p>
+
+            <p>Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When round the No-Conscription board</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The wines of Rhineland flow,</p>
+
+            <p>And many a rousing <i>Hoch!</i> is roared</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To toast the <i>status quo</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our happy tears run dry,</p>
+
+            <p>Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When sausages and sauerkraut</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fulfil the air with spice,</p>
+
+            <p>And loosened tongues the praise shall shout</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Peace-at-any-price;</p>
+
+            <p>When German weeds our lips employ</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And hearts are full and high,</p>
+
+            <p>Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Stone walls do not my feet confine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;</p>
+
+            <p>I talk at large and claim as mine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The freeman's heritage;</p>
+
+            <p>And, if this wicked War but end</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ere German hopes can die,</p>
+
+            <p>Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department,
+    "you've got as much as you can carry." Unfortunately it was
+    impossible to relieve her of the parcels as I had all my work
+    cut out to manipulate those confounded crutches.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading
+    the way with her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not
+    frightfully tired." Of course it seemed ridiculous, but I had
+    not been out of hospital many days, and as yet I had not grown
+    used to stumping about in this manner.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such
+    a thing as a box of broken soldiers?"</p>
+
+    <p>The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt,
+    but offered, with condescension, to inquire.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's
+    youngest brother.</p>
+
+    <p>"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister,
+    younger still.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large
+    boxes already," answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a
+    frock coat, with a silver badge on the right lapel, "For
+    Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty cardboard box, and
+    in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+    soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had
+    lost both legs.</p>
+
+    <p>"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man
+    with the silver badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic
+    pocket. It seemed to be understood that they and I had been
+    knocked out in the same campaign.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want
+    the soldiers to be broken?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I&mdash;I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why did Dick?" I persisted.</p>
+
+    <p>"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You
+    see, Father objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new
+    ones. Dick was quite rebellious. He wanted to know what he was
+    to do for wounded; and Alice was more disappointed still."</p>
+
+    <p>"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her,"
+    I suggested.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross
+    nurse, you know. She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She
+    only thinks of healing them."</p>
+
+    <p>"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put
+    Humpty Dumpty together again," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.</p>
+
+    <p>"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you
+    as well," I remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely
+    forgotten until they met us clamorously in the hall.</p>
+
+    <p>"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.</p>
+
+    <p>"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper
+    parcel from my pocket and handed it over.</p>
+
+    <p>"Is that all?" demanded Alice.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's one more," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and
+    smiled very nicely as she took my arm.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, that's for me," she said.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.</h3>
+
+    <p>The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over
+    the Channel. The few lights we carried reflected in-board only,
+    and, leaning over the rail, it was with difficulty that I could
+    distinguish the dark waters washing below. Shore-ward I could
+    see nothing, though I knew that a good-sized town lay
+    there.</p>
+
+    <p>I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my
+    feet with some difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way
+    to a door and, pushing it open, entered.</p>
+
+    <p>A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of
+    a naval officer was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall
+    well-set-up young seaman. His dishevelled head was hatless, but
+    otherwise he looked trim, and his garments fitted him better
+    than a seaman's garments generally do. On each side of him
+    stood an armed guard.</p>
+
+    <p>"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer
+    sternly.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He
+    held his head high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire
+    his courageous bearing, and yet there was an air of unreality
+    about the whole thing. I felt almost as if I were dreaming it,
+    but I knew that this was not a dream.</p>
+
+    <p>"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the
+    officer. "I have no alternative but to sentence you to death.
+    The sentence will be carried out at dawn. Remove the
+    prisoner."</p>
+
+    <p>The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be
+    struggling with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself
+    to silence. Then he bowed his head, and, turning, placed
+    himself between the guards and was marched away.</p>
+
+    <p>The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's
+    the best man I ever had on my ship."</p>
+
+    <p>He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange
+    sense of unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the
+    Third Act of <i>True to the Death</i>, a melodrama in the
+    pavilion at the end of the pier.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135"
+       id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter">
+        <a href="images/135.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/135.png"
+             alt="The Retort Celestial." /></a>
+
+        <h2>THE RETORT CELESTIAL.</h2>
+
+        <p>[China has threatened to break off relations with the
+        German Government on account of its barbarity. It will be
+        recalled that the KAISER once designed an allegorical
+        picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136"
+       id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/136.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/136.png"
+             alt="Sauce for the Gander." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Grocer</i>. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART,
+        PLEASE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Waitress</i> (<i>late grocer's assistant</i>).
+        "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER,
+        SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>WEATHER-VANES.</h3>
+
+    <p>It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly
+    chorus, and the situation reports were coming in from the
+    battalions in the line. With his hair sizzling in the flame of
+    the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who was on duty for the
+    night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+    form.</p>
+
+    <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.</p>
+
+    <p>"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits
+    upon a wind with East in it). "Give me the message book."</p>
+
+    <p>Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and
+    machine gun sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then
+    he turned to the next message.</p>
+
+    <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."</p>
+
+    <p>"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless
+    handiwork. "Which way <i>is</i> the wind then?"</p>
+
+    <p>The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a
+    moistened forefinger and the information that it was "blowing
+    acrossways, leastways it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of
+    his little wire bed, searched in his pyjamas for the North
+    Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any wind at all
+    (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+    responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when
+    the Brigade on the right flank reported a totally different
+    wind he concluded there must be a whirlwind in the line, and,
+    putting up a barrage of bad language, went to sleep.</p>
+
+    <p>In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff
+    Captain, who broached the subject at breakfast as the General
+    was probing his second poached egg.</p>
+
+    <p>"This," said the General, who is rather given to the
+    vernacular, "is the limit. A North-South-East-West report is
+    preposterous. Something must be done. Haven't we got a
+    weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will you?"</p>
+
+    <p>Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O.
+    feeling out of it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals
+    really get a very good time. People have been known to pass
+    things to them unasked.)</p>
+
+    <p>"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?"
+    said the Staff Captain brightly&mdash;he is very bright and
+    bird-like in the mornings&mdash;"the ones the padre thought
+    were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They aren't ours,
+    but then they aren't anybody's&mdash;they've been there a year,
+    the old woman told me."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful
+    of toast.) "Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the
+    Heavy Group Artillery will let you&mdash;they're in there now,
+    aren't they?"</p>
+
+    <p>"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for
+    dinner," said the Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes
+    my s-stammer worse."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why?" said the General.</p>
+
+    <p>"Indigestion&mdash;nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the
+    telephone at all after dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I brought the vanes, Sir."</p>
+
+    <p>"Have any
+    trouble?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137"
+       id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span>
+
+    <p>"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them
+    behind,' which was true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once
+    felt himself the centre of interest and desired to improve the
+    occasion). "We <i>did</i> 'leave them behind,' so it wasn't a
+    lie exactly ..."</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em,
+    that's the main thing."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where will you have one put, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>"In the fields," said the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not too low," said the Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or too high," said Signals.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or too far away," said the attached officer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the
+    chutney."</p>
+
+    <p>They all passed it as well as several other things until he
+    was thoroughly dug-in.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next
+    morning.</p>
+
+    <p>"&mdash;&mdash;!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his
+    partiality for the vernacular). "Where's our vane?"</p>
+
+    <p>"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and
+    I&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all
+    went&mdash;General, Brigade Major (enunciating pedantically
+    after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright and birdlike),
+    and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.</p>
+
+    <p>"North is&mdash;there!" said the General in his best
+    field-day manner, "and this is pointing&mdash;due East!" He
+    touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He touched it again.
+    A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.</p>
+
+    <p>"Paralysed," said the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants
+    <i>oil</i>!" and the O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil
+    (salad, bottle, one).</p>
+
+    <p>"Now pour it over the top&mdash;top, boy, top!"</p>
+
+    <p>A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched
+    hastily for a handkerchief.</p>
+
+    <p>"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"</p>
+
+    <p>The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).</p>
+
+    <p>"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say
+    now? East!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a
+    minute."</p>
+
+    <p>"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well,
+    I'm&mdash;West!"</p>
+
+    <p>"The padre was right&mdash;it must be a fireguard, after
+    all," said the Staff Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as:
+    "Wind light to moderate (to strong), varying from East to West
+    (<i>via</i> North and South)."</p>
+
+    <p>"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not
+    quite perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop,
+    wires are a bit slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and
+    the whole thing is in rather a bad position, but otherwise it's
+    all right&mdash;quite all right."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.</p>
+
+    <p>"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved
+    off.</p>
+
+    <p>"There is," said the B.M., discovering
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138"
+       id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> another blob on his shiny
+       boots, "and on m-me!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted
+    alone. For three days he had been the despair of the small and
+    perspiring body of pioneers, who towards the end had fled at
+    the mere sight of him. But at last the vane was working.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind,
+    expert?"</p>
+
+    <p>"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he
+    had done since he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and
+    he was pleased at the interest the Staff had taken in his
+    little achievement.) "I've had the pioneers working on it, and
+    we've got it up another four feet, Sir, tightened the pole, and
+    wired it on to the supports on every side. It's quite
+    perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on
+    it, and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength
+    of the wind&mdash;that flap thing, you know, Sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his
+    first keenness, "I'm glad it's working all right. By the way,
+    we shall be moving from here to-morrow; the division's going
+    back."</p>
+
+    <p>The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was
+    strong and bitter.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/137.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/137.png"
+             alt="At our Company Smoker." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.</h3>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>The Major</i> (<i>sings</i>). "AND WE
+        DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE FOE
+        TEN&mdash;TWENTY&mdash;THIRTY&mdash;FORTY&mdash;"</p>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>Colonel</i> (<i>roused from
+        surreptitious snooze</i>). "AS YOU
+        WERE!&mdash;<b>NUMBER!</b>"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Result of the Blockade.</h4>
+
+    <p>Notice on a railway bookstall:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.<br />
+     MUCH REDUCED."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that
+        he was Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he
+        appeared quite harmless."&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Obviously an impostor.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of
+        undergraduates celebrating some joyous event at the college
+        tuck-shop."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Herald</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this
+    artless phrase.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Super-Submarine.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a
+        submarine, which boarded the American boat, took the names
+        of all on board, and then authorised the continuation of
+        the voyage."&mdash;<i>Evening News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find
+        taxi-cabs, and taxi-cubs with pneumatic
+        tyres."&mdash;<i>Scots Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in
+    time for next season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for
+    the money&mdash;a mile for eightpence or so.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MISSING LEADER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What is Master WINSTON doing?</p>
+
+            <p>What new paths is he pursuing?</p>
+
+            <p>What strange broth can he be brewing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he painting, by commission,</p>
+
+            <p>Portraits of the Coalition</p>
+
+            <p>For the R.A. exhibition?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he Jacky-obin or anti?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he likely to "go Fanti,"</p>
+
+            <p>Or becoming shrewd and canty?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he in disguise at Kovel,</p>
+
+            <p>Living in a moujik's hovel,</p>
+
+            <p>Making a tremendous novel?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Does he run a photo-play show?</p>
+
+            <p>Or in <i>s&aelig;va indignatio</i></p>
+
+            <p>Is he writing for HORATIO?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fired by the divine afflatus</p>
+
+            <p>Does he weekly lacerate us,</p>
+
+            <p>Like a Juvenal <i>renatus?</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As the great financial purist,</p>
+
+            <p>Will he smite the sinecurist</p>
+
+            <p>Or emerge as a Futurist?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he regularly sending</p>
+
+            <p>HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,</p>
+
+            <p>Good advice with censure blending?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he planting beet, or going</p>
+
+            <p>In for early 'tato-growing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he writing verse or prosing,</p>
+
+            <p>Or intent upon disclosing</p>
+
+            <p>Gifts for musical composing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he lecturing to flappers?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he tunnelling with sappers?</p>
+
+            <p>Has he joined the U-boat trappers?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Or, to petrify recorders</p>
+
+            <p>Of events within our borders,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Has he taken Holy Orders?</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he well or ill or middling?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he fighting, is he fiddling?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>He can't only be thumb-twiddling.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>These are merely dim surmises,</p>
+
+            <p>But experience advises</p>
+
+            <p>Us to look for weird surprises,</p>
+
+            <p>Somersaults, and strange disguises.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus we summed the situation</p>
+
+            <p>When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration</p>
+
+            <p>Brought about a transformation.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges</p>
+
+            <p>On a sudden re-emerges</p>
+
+            <p>And, to calm the naval <i>gurges</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>FISHER'S restoration urges.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Work of Supererogation.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by
+        members of our G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf
+        of a fund for providing Huns for our
+        soldiers."&mdash;<i>Parish Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>INFORMATION WANTED.</h3>
+
+    <p>No one can answer the question, and I have not the
+    pluck&mdash;being a law-abiding citizen&mdash;to try for
+    myself. But I do so want to know. I ask everyone. I ask my
+    partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask casual
+    acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they
+    are so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very
+    engrossing problem, and upon this problem many minor problems
+    depend, clustering round it like chickens round the maternal
+    hen. But I should be quite content with an answer only to the
+    hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an inter-dependence
+    between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+    someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone
+    else had to be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities
+    dislike us to be comfy? Or is it thought that the public might
+    get so much attracted by the habit as to convert the place into
+    a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I knew these
+    things.</p>
+
+    <p>Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and
+    then&mdash;arising out of this question&mdash;get all the other
+    subsidiary facts? We are told so many things that don't matter,
+    such as the enormous number of Ministers in the new Government,
+    which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest against
+    too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and
+    every performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as
+    the best place in Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit;
+    such as the breaks made day by day all through the War by
+    billiard champions; such as the departure of Mr. G.B. SHAW on
+    his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary visit
+    to the Front and his return from that experience; such
+    as&mdash;but enough. I am told by the informative Press all
+    these and more things, but no one tells me the one thing I want
+    to know.</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps YOU can.</p>
+
+    <p>I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving
+    staircases, and I want to know what would happen if we did.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>What to do with Our Dogs.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "FOR SALE.&mdash;Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing
+        to wear now. Seamless, comfortable. All
+        Wool."&mdash;<i>Bedford Daily Circular</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."&mdash;<i>Glasgow
+        Citizen</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but
+    too extravagant in these times.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139"
+       id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>
+
+    <h3>BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This scheme of keeping rabbits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To fatten them as food</p>
+
+            <p>Breaks up the kindly habits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Acquired in babyhood;</p>
+
+            <p>For we, as youthful scions,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were taught to love the dears</p>
+
+            <p>And bring them dandelions</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And lift them by the ears.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We learned how each new litter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That came to Flip or Fan</p>
+
+            <p>Grew finer and grew fitter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With tea-leaves in the bran;</p>
+
+            <p>We learned which stalks were milky</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And which were merely tough,</p>
+
+            <p>What grass was good for Silky</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what was good for Fluff.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Such moral mild up-bringing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now makes me much distressed</p>
+
+            <p>When little necks need wringing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And little paws protest,</p>
+
+            <p>Lest wraiths from empty hutches</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Should haunt me, hung in pairs,</p>
+
+            <p>And ghosts&mdash;'tis here it touches&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of happy Belgian hares.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>However, with my morals</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I manfully shall cope,</p>
+
+            <p>And back my country's quarrels,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But none the less I hope</p>
+
+            <p>Before poor Bunny's taken</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As stuff for knife and fork</p>
+
+            <p>The hedge-hog will be bacon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The guinea-pig be pork.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">W.H.O.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>PROBLEMS FOR P&Eacute;TROLEUSES.</h3>
+
+    <p>The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to
+    sanction women taxicab drivers, we understand that all
+    applicants for licences will be required to pass a severe
+    examination in "knowledge of London." As, however, this will be
+    concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, we
+    venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary
+    questions of a more general character:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles
+    an hour, be able to fling a pint of London mud?</p>
+
+    <p>(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if
+    so, how much?</p>
+
+    <p>(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate
+    the following:&mdash;(<i>a</i>) contempt, (<i>b</i>) rage,
+    (<i>c</i>) homicidal mania.</p>
+
+    <p>(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words
+    "Thank you" be employed?</p>
+
+    <p>(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly
+    gentleman, wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are
+    tendered the legal fare plus twopence. Express, within ladylike
+    limits, your appreciation of this generosity.</p>
+
+    <p>(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a
+    member of the Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer
+    accordingly.</p>
+
+    <p>(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a
+    becoming and serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.</p>
+
+    <p>(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The hand that stops the traffic rules the
+            world"?</p>
+
+            <p>"This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an
+            alien"?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed
+    simultaneously by two spinster ladies with hand luggage,
+    wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a single unencumbered
+    gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?</p>
+
+    <p>(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres
+    end, and which do you consider the best places of concealment
+    in which to secrete yourself at that time?</p>
+
+    <p>(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a
+    simple direction to "The Palace" from&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>(a) The PRIME MINISTER?</p>
+
+            <p>(b) The Bishop of LONDON?</p>
+
+            <p>(c) Any Second-Lieutenant?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/139.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/139.png"
+             alt="Old Lady in Gramophone Department." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>buying records to send to
+        France&mdash;to assistant in Gramophone
+        Department</i>).</p>
+
+        <p>"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S
+        BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME
+        KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION WHICH COULD BE OF
+        ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Prophet of Evil.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"&mdash;<i>Headlines in</i>
+        "<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an official circular relating to the British Industries
+    Fair:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair
+        from all parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair,
+        but will not be available before the opening day."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get
+    there.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140"
+       id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/140.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/140.png"
+             alt="The Vicar and Mrs. Bloggs." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been
+        describing the insulting behaviour of the lady next
+        door</i>). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT BEING
+        SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+        TO TAKE NO NOTICE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Bloggs</i>. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO,
+        SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND
+        AGAIN&mdash;JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When JOOLIUS C&AElig;SAR took 'is guns along the
+            pavvy road</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the
+            Rhine,</p>
+
+            <p>The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy
+            load</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was the men 'ose job did correspond to
+            mine.</p>
+
+            <p>When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly
+            Fosse</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And made the Prooshians sweat their souls
+            with fear,</p>
+
+            <p>The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well
+            across</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was the men with actin' rank o'
+            bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes
+            the Capting too,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then to the subs the 'eavy language
+            flows;</p>
+
+            <p>They comes an' calls their Numbers One an
+            inefficient crew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;</p>
+
+            <p>An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly
+            'ell,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' the full edition's poured into the
+            ear</p>
+
+            <p>Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you
+            be&mdash;blest as well),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The man with actin' rank o'
+            bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter
+            afternoon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin'
+            tea,</p>
+
+            <p>The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in
+            Bethoon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Capting's snorin' out at the
+            O.P.;</p>
+
+            <p>The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a
+            prommynard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin'
+            beer,</p>
+
+            <p>An' the man they've left to work an' drill an'
+            grouse an' mount the guard</p>
+
+            <p>Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin'
+            stores at night,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,</p>
+
+            <p>An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the
+            'ome fires bright</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched,
+            you know");</p>
+
+            <p>An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the
+            gun,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy
+            day;</p>
+
+            <p>An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly
+            fun</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Accompany one stripe (without the
+            pay).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l
+            Artillerie,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of cheerful things to think there's quite
+            a lot;</p>
+
+            <p>Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of
+            Februree</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To do instructin' stunts at
+            Aldershot;</p>
+
+            <p>The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned
+            rank,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' little changes means a step up
+            'ere,</p>
+
+            <p>So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang
+            blank,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll soon drop "<i>actin</i>'" off the
+            "bombardier."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141"
+       id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/141.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/141.png"
+             alt="Who Follows?" /></a>
+
+        <h3>WHO FOLLOWS?</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142"
+       id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/142.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/142.png"
+             alt="Opposition approval of the New Boys." /></a>
+
+        <h4>OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.</h4>
+
+        <table summary="illustration caption">
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left">MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (<i>patting Sir EDWARD
+                    CARSON on the back</i>)
+                </td>
+                <td rowspan="2" align="right">&nbsp;&nbsp; <big>}</big> "HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."
+                </td>
+            </tr>
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left">MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (<i>patting Mr. BONAR LAW
+                    on the back</i>)
+                </td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+   <p><i>Monday, February 19th</i>.&mdash;The CHANCELLOR OF THE
+    EXCHEQUER announced that the "new money" subscribed for the War
+    Loan amounted to at least seven hundred millions. Being a
+    modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I did it," though
+    it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+    sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not
+    more onerous to the State.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were
+    specially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that
+    her delegates might assert her right to self-government. I dare
+    say, if pressed, he would be prepared to nominate at least one
+    of her representatives. Having regard to the Nationalist
+    attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+    retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the
+    Peace Conference, but he contented himself with a simple
+    negative.</p>
+
+    <p>There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits
+    in his private room scheming out new Departments and murmuring
+    like the gentleman in the advertisement of the elastic
+    bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to the present,
+    however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+    Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and
+    their salaries merely amount to the trifle of &pound;133,500.
+    It is pleasant to learn that a branch of the Shipping
+    Controller's department is appropriately housed in the Lake
+    Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+    objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he
+    has come into contact make no sort of secret about their
+    business (one pictures them confiding in this gentleman), it is
+    expected that the Board of Works will shortly commandeer a
+    strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 20th</i>.&mdash;In one respect the two
+    representatives of the War Office in the House of Commons are
+    singularly alike. When answering their daily catechism both
+    wear spectacles&mdash;Mr. FORSTER an ordinary gold-rimmed pair,
+    Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which gives
+    an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each,
+    when he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by
+    carefully taking off his glasses and so giving himself an extra
+    moment or two to frame a telling reply.</p>
+
+    <p>This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off
+    half-a-dozen times as he withstood an assault directed from
+    various quarters against the refusal of the War Office to admit
+    the profession of "manipulative surgery" to the Army Medical
+    Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures effected by
+    this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+    Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that
+    the life of one private soldier was more valuable than that of
+    the two Front Benches put together. All these attempts at
+    manipulative surgery quite failed to reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S
+    obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had to intervene
+    to stop the treatment.</p>
+
+    <p>The persistence with which a little knot of Members below
+    the Gangway advances the proposition that all Germany is
+    longing to make an honourable peace, and that it is only the
+    insatiate ambition of the Allies which stands in the way, would
+    be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. PONSONBY,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143"
+       id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr.
+       SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless case with a good deal
+       of varied ability. A small house listened politely, but was
+       more impressed by a masterly expos&eacute; of the facts by
+       Mr. RONALD M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR
+       GREENWOOD; while later in the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated
+       the national aims in the War with a cogency that drew from
+       Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who sit
+       opposite the Government" to give Ministers their
+       whole-hearted support.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 21st</i>.&mdash;The House learned
+    with satisfaction that crews of our river gun-boats in
+    Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; and when the
+    authors of the Turkish <i>communiqu&eacute;s</i> hear of it
+    they are expected to put in a similar claim.</p>
+
+    <p>Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the
+    Clock&mdash;his friends all tell us that he is superior to
+    Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable&mdash;I had almost said
+    respectful&mdash;distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+    conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN
+    JELLICOE. They and all of us listened intently while for over
+    an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, now as much at home on the
+    quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, discoursed
+    eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work
+    of the Senior Service.</p>
+
+    <p>He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or
+    pretend that the Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy
+    for their attacks. Nor could he say&mdash;for reasons which
+    seemed to satisfy the House&mdash;how many of them had already
+    been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral
+    VON CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single
+    U-boat had been lost since the opening of the new campaign, of
+    being either singularly misinformed or highly imaginative.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, February 22nd</i>.&mdash;A strange sympathy
+    seems to exist between the SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I
+    fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. LOWTHER'S is in his
+    heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the wayward
+    Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems
+    to be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr.
+    MACPHERSON, and called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to
+    withdraw the expression, he substituted "impudent." That would
+    not do either, and there seemed danger of a deadlock and
+    another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that "incorrect"
+    was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+    purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the
+    spirit in which it was offered.</p>
+
+    <p>Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work.
+    Whenever there is a disagreeable or awkward measure to
+    introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home Secretary, if I may
+    borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., for one
+    of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate
+    the good points and soften the possible asperities of the
+    National Service Bill that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had
+    come to condemn, remained to bless.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday, February 23rd</i>.&mdash;Owing to a variety of
+    causes, we are short of tonnage, and unless we manage to grow
+    more and consume less we shall before very long be within reach
+    of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the burden of the PRIME
+    MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have a
+    guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural
+    labourer is to be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum
+    wage of 25<i>s.</i> a week, and the rest of us are to go
+    without most of our imported luxuries and a good many
+    necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+    prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to
+    secure what they felt might be their last really substantial
+    luncheon, and Mr. DAVID MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill
+    the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S absence, was soon talking to
+    empty benches.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/143.png"><img width="400"
+             src="images/143.png"
+             alt="The Big 'Un and The Little 'Un." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Big 'Un.</i> "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE
+        THAT YOU HAVE TO JOIN UP?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Little 'Un.</i> "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT.
+        YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT
+        WERE, IN MARCH."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144"
+       id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/144.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/144.png"
+             alt="Acrobat, having been officially informed that he belongs to one of the non-essential professions..." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS
+        TO ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES
+        NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS
+        SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+    <p>We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But
+    there is another man with a grievance whom I rather like, and
+    this is his story. I must, of course, let him tell it in the
+    first-person-singular, because otherwise what is the use of
+    having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular narrative
+    form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as
+    an ordinary seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and
+    being perhaps not too physically vigorous and having a certain
+    rhetorical gift, developed at the Union, I was told off, after
+    some months' training, to take part in a recruiting campaign.
+    We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter awakened the
+    neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+    coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew
+    round. One by one we mounted whatever rostrum there was&mdash;a
+    drinking fountain, say&mdash;and spoke our little piece, urging
+    the claims of country.</p>
+
+    <p>"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old
+    men; but we did our best.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a
+    public building, and then the proceedings were more formal and
+    pretentious. The trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would
+    open the ball. The occasion of which I am thinking was one of
+    these meetings in the East End, where the Chairman was a local
+    tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and that
+    England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free;
+    he told the audience how many of his relations were fighting;
+    and then he made way for our gallant boys in blue who were to
+    address the company.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of
+    the orators, and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He
+    said how much he had enjoyed the speeches and how much he hoped
+    that they would bear good fruit; and indeed he felt confident
+    of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are plain
+    straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk,
+    and we would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who
+    'ave been talking to us this evening, than any fine Oxford
+    gentleman.'"</p>
+
+    <p>That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet,
+    now I come to think about it again, and his manner of telling
+    it, I'm not sure I ought not rather to call him a man with a
+    triumph.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar
+        cheesemaking for 1 month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated
+        as family."&mdash;<i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A little less than kin and more than kine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="author">"Washington, Thursday.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The representatives of thirty leading American railways
+        have agreed virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of
+        freight for export until the present congestion on the
+        eastern sideboard is relieved."&mdash;<i>Evening
+        Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are
+    concerned about is the depletion of our own sideboard.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an official advertisement in favour of
+    tillage:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "An acre of Oats will<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;feed for a week . . 100
+        people.<br />
+         An acre of Potatoes . . 200&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"<br />
+         &nbsp;&nbsp;"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of Beef &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; .
+        .
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;8&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"&mdash;<i>
+        Irish Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility
+    for the last statement.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145"
+       id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/145.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/145.png"
+             alt="Father and Hopeful." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Father</i>. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN
+        SMITHERS, THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER.
+        AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hopeful</i>. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT&mdash;IT'S
+        HEREDITARY."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long ages ere the Age of Man,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">While yet this earthly crust was
+            thinnish,</p>
+
+            <p>The War of Might and Right began,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Proceeding swiftly to a finish;</p>
+
+            <p>And this provides in many ways</p>
+
+            <p>An object-lesson nowadays.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shone with a most attractive lustre;</p>
+
+            <p>Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They pinned their faith to bulk and
+            bluster;</p>
+
+            <p>They laid their eggs in every land</p>
+
+            <p>And hid them deftly in the sand.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Mammals, small as yet and few,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Relying less on scales and muscles,</p>
+
+            <p>Developed diaphragms, and grew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Non-nucleated red corpuscles;</p>
+
+            <p>They walked more nimbly on their legs</p>
+
+            <p>And learnt the art of sucking eggs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Went off in high explosive fashion;</p>
+
+            <p>They lashed themselves to left and right</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Into a pre-historic passion;</p>
+
+            <p>The Mammals, on the other hand,</p>
+
+            <p>Ate all their eggs up in the sand.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Those precious eggs, a source of pride</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On which the Saurian hopes depended,</p>
+
+            <p>Kept all their enemies supplied</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With life by which their own was
+            ended;</p>
+
+            <p>And where they fondly hoped to spread</p>
+
+            <p>The Mammals lived and throve instead.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And so the Saurians passed from view,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leaving behind the faintest traces,</p>
+
+            <p>No longer bent on hacking through,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though looking still for sunny
+            places;</p>
+
+            <p>Dwarfed to a more convenient size</p>
+
+            <p>They spend their time in catching flies.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Non-Stop Linguist.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "To O.C. . . . From . . . Brigade. &mdash;&mdash; Corps
+        requires services of an officer who can speak Italian
+        fluently for four or five days."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies'
+        Fancy Dress Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main
+        Street. No Gentlemen. No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in
+        mail attire."&mdash;<i>Bulawayo Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>In their "knighties," so to speak?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before
+        them which it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to
+        reach as soon as possible."&mdash;<i>Congleton
+        Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and
+        his type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+        front-door,"&mdash;<i>Munsey's Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Another case of the Hidden Hand.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2
+        tons, reason sale, requires care when taken out of
+        harness."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on
+    getting rid of a master of that weight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken
+        run."&mdash;<i>Enfield Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.&mdash;Special
+        Lecture&mdash;'The Great War Novel, Mr. Bristling Sees it
+        Through.'"<i>&mdash;Glasgow Evening News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146"
+       id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>
+
+    <h3>HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord
+    DEVONPORT?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living
+    under his ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank
+    you."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or
+    twice. It seems to consist very largely of rissoles and that
+    kind of food."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides,
+    you'd soon get tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every
+    day."</p>
+
+    <p>"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak
+    would always be a joy to me."</p>
+
+    <p>"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really
+    like their eatables tough."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's
+    there, which is a great help when you're being rationed."</p>
+
+    <p>"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women
+    don't care for that feeling. They like their food light but
+    stimulating."</p>
+
+    <p>"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one
+    tray and at irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them
+    a sort of wicked abundance. To a man it is&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to
+    tighten your belt even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't
+    known you were being rationed you'd never have found it
+    out."</p>
+
+    <p>"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have
+    suffered this last week in the matter of beefsteaks and that
+    kind of food are the worst that can happen to us we shan't have
+    much to complain of&mdash;but I should like a chop to-night
+    instead of a rissole."</p>
+
+    <p>"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a
+    cutlet."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much
+    as we might for Lord DEVONPORT."</p>
+
+    <p>"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the
+    stable-yard."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hens? What do you know about hens?"</p>
+
+    <p>"For the matter of that, what do you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all
+    the same. I know that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and
+    that they never lay any eggs unless you put a china egg in
+    their nest just to coax them along and rouse their ambition.
+    Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff Orpingtons
+    can see it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems
+    to think that if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or
+    so the laying of eggs will be promoted. Won't you go round with
+    him next time?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm
+    not going to begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already
+    said they never lay eggs even when you don't watch them."</p>
+
+    <p>"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."</p>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "this <i>is</i> exciting. Did the happy
+    mother announce the event to the world in the usual way?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a
+    quarter-of-an-hour, and Frederick came along and seized the
+    subject of her rejoicing. You're going to have it to-night,
+    boiled, instead of soup and fish."</p>
+
+    <p>"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon
+    be self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord
+    DEVONPORT."</p>
+
+    <p>"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up
+    hen-keeper ever does. Besides, it's our duty to help the
+    Government all we can, so that Lord DEVONPORT may have so much
+    more to play with."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't
+    strike me as being that kind of man at all."</p>
+
+    <p>"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."</p>
+
+    <p>"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's
+    chin-deep in his work."</p>
+
+    <p>"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're
+    pulling up the herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes,
+    and that we've started keeping hens, and that we've already got
+    one egg, and that when the time comes we shall not lack for
+    chicken, roast or boiled."</p>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to
+    the tragedies which are inseparable from the possession of Buff
+    Orpingtons? In the morning a young bird struts about in his
+    pride, resolved to live his life fearlessly and to salute the
+    dawn at any and every hour before the break of day. Then
+    something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+    ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible
+    struggle; a neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is
+    chicken for dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to
+    countermand your egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make
+    a real friend of a fowl. They've got such silly ways and their
+    eyes are so beady."</p>
+
+    <p>"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than
+    our Mrs. Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of
+    propriety, while they&mdash;no matter; I hope the chicken when
+    its moment comes will be tender and succulent."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hark!" said Francesca.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and
+    there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket,
+    to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can
+    have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,&mdash;I mean
+    cutlet."</p>
+
+    <p>"No," she said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">R.C.L.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember a day when I felt quite tall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Because of a gift of five whole
+            shillings;</p>
+
+            <p>I was Johnson major then, I recall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And didn't I swank and put on
+            frillings!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, we know that children are parents of men;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And, now that I'm getting an ancient
+            stager,</p>
+
+            <p>Here am I pleased with a crown again,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And signing myself as Johnson, Major.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no
+        washing; would take England."&mdash;<i>Irish Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "During the night an enemy raiding party in the
+        neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage
+        before reaching our line."&mdash;<i>Continental Daily
+        Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks,
+    and now the Trunks.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for
+        about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its
+        course is almost due South for about the same distance.
+        Then against the stream it goes due North for about the
+        same distance."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General
+    MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147"
+       id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/147.png"><img width="650"
+             src="images/147.png"
+             alt="She: You know, there's something rather nice about Mr. Thomkins-Smith." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>She</i> (<i>referring to host</i>). "YOU KNOW,
+        THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR.
+        THOMKINS-SMITH."</p>
+
+        <p><i>He.</i> "YES&mdash;I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>War and the Future</i> (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is
+    not a sustained thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of
+    epigram about the War as he has seen it on the French, Italian
+    and British fronts, and has thought about it in peaceful Essex.
+    A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing of the Effigy,"
+    suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+    series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which
+    has included Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the
+    First&mdash;and Third. In the light of the new time we see the
+    emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, on the
+    other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without
+    fuss and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly
+    well. There is some particularly interesting matter about
+    aeroplane work, and the writer betrays a keen distress lest the
+    cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old school should make
+    them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the airmen in
+    the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+    organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships,
+    to which the devastation of this War will be merely sketchy;
+    but I doubt if he quite makes his point here. And finally this
+    swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a vision which he has seen of
+    a new world-wide interrelated republicanism founded on a
+    recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+    down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate
+    conversation with a very interesting fellow-traveller.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present
+    spendthrift course, whatever Board controls the consumption of
+    paper will have to put him on half rations. I believe that his
+    literary health would benefit enormously by such a
+    r&eacute;gime. This was my first thought in contemplating the
+    almost six hundred pages of <i>In the Wilderness</i> (METHUEN),
+    and it persists, strengthened now that I have turned the last,
+    of them. Here is a direct and moving tragedy of three lives,
+    much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog of superfluous
+    words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+    the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely
+    divergent types of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather
+    than Mr. HICHENS, should be blamed for the fact that the
+    unmoral <i>Cynthia</i> is many times more interesting than the
+    virtuous but slightly fatiguing <i>Rosamund</i>. The former is
+    indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none
+    the less sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly,
+    however, her success is to some extent due to contrast; for
+    certainly both <i>Rosamund</i> and <i>Dion</i>, the husband
+    whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody all the
+    worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you
+    know what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility
+    to surroundings, which renders them so fluid that often the
+    scenery seems to push them about. It is this, coupled with the
+    author's own lingering pleasure in a romantic setting, that
+    delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the book, over
+    long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the
+    skill of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at
+    his best.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148"
+       id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>
+
+    <p>Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON
+    HUTTEN I am glad to say that I consider <i>Magpie</i>
+    (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a long time since I
+    read a happier or more holding story. The title is a punning
+    one, as the heroine's name is really <i>Margaret Pye</i>, but I
+    am more than willing to overlook this for the sake of the
+    pleasantly-drawn young woman to whom it refers and the general
+    interest of the tale. Briefly, this has two movements, one
+    forward, which deals with the evolution of <i>Mag</i> from a
+    fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the
+    charming young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and
+    concerned with the mystery of a wonderful artist who has
+    disappeared before the story opens. I have no idea of clearing
+    up, or even further indicating, this problem to you. But I will
+    say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect orgy
+    of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little
+    breathless. Of course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a
+    baker's dozen of glaring improbabilities; but I am much
+    mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for that. A quaint
+    personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the cast
+    of <i>Pinkie and the Fairies</i> on its revival) might well
+    seem an impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of
+    superiority that rewards the well-informed. But I can assure
+    Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is all wrong about the acting of
+    that particular part.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of
+    periodical publications, I ought to say that the case of <i>The
+    New Europe</i> (CONSTABLE), whose first completed volume lies
+    before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' experience of
+    journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+    "meat"&mdash;some of it pretty strong meat, too&mdash;in
+    proportion to its size. In hardly a single week since its first
+    issue in October last have I failed to find between its
+    tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me information
+    that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+    something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it
+    there are many other writers&mdash;and even, perhaps, some
+    statesmen&mdash;who have enjoyed the same experience. Dr.
+    SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who march under
+    his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+    for example, that <i>Austria est delenda</i> may prove the only
+    or the best prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs
+    of South-Eastern Europe), but they always furnish the reader
+    with the facts enabling him to test their conclusions; and that
+    in these times is a great merit. My own feeling is that if they
+    had begun their concerted labours a few years earlier the War
+    might never have happened; or at least we should have gone into
+    it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the
+    Central Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating
+    them. The tragedies of Serbia and Roumania would almost
+    certainly have been averted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find
+    <i>Frailty</i> (CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope
+    of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S story, sufficiently indicated by its
+    title, does not admit of humorous relief. But it is both
+    vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on <i>Charles
+    Ley</i> that, after heroically curing himself of the drug
+    habit, he should marry the girl of his choice only to find her
+    a victim to strong drink. But of course, had this not happened,
+    the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S tale would have been weakened by
+    half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the author knows when to
+    stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, thereby
+    avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall)
+    plunged the entire cast of <i>Danesbury House</i> into a flood
+    of alcohol. Not that Miss WADSLEY herself lacks for courage;
+    she can rise unusually to the demands of a situation, and I
+    have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than those
+    that depict the gradual conquest of <i>Charles</i> by the
+    cocaine fiend, and his subsequent struggle back to freedom.
+    Here the "strong" writing seemed to me both natural and in
+    place; ever so much more convincing therefore than when
+    employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts whether, even
+    in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+    was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was
+    <i>Charles</i> when he carried off his chosen mate from a
+    small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. Fortunately the other
+    parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+    emphatically a book not to be missed.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much
+    delightful information that he tries to ration himself to so
+    many pages per day. This is what I resolved to do with <i>In
+    the Northern Mists</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON); but I could not
+    keep to my resolution, so attractive was the fare. These
+    sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+    with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a
+    sailor you will learn a lot from this admirable theologian
+    about the men and methods and the spirit of the Grand Fleet.
+    His book fills me with pride; yet I dare not express it for
+    fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior service.
+    So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies
+    are due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation
+    of his book. But he seems human enough to pardon the more
+    venial sins.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/148.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/148.png"
+             alt="A case for rationing." /></a>
+
+        <h4>A CASE FOR RATIONING.</h4>
+
+        <p>"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I
+        SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS HIM WARM."</p>
+
+        <p>"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS
+        RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES
+        OUT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope
+        Gill, barely three months old, who subscribed the whole of
+        his life's savings. He arrived at the bank with his mother,
+        and there was poured out before the astonished gaze of the
+        officials four hundred threepenny pieces."&mdash;<i>Weekly
+        Dispatch</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it
+    should have compelled him to go into liquidation.</p>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14639 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14639 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14639)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, 
+February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,  February 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the
+thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this
+is impossible.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having
+misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT,
+we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British.
+
+       ***
+
+In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a
+fine musician and his execution is good." It would be.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE.
+
+_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT
+FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA
+MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."]
+
+       ***
+
+No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the
+beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the
+liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the
+awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised.
+Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued
+for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly
+the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were
+permitted to growl.
+
+       ***
+
+A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one
+years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not
+thought that he did it purposely.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine
+children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There
+seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now
+fairly well advertised.
+
+       ***
+
+Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most
+ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is
+foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style.
+
+       ***
+
+Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a
+day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to
+compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts.
+
+       ***
+
+"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do
+not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar
+sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s.
+
+       ***
+
+"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate
+in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to
+hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two
+thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus
+which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers.
+
+       ***
+
+Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food
+tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food.
+
+       ***
+
+The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water
+Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already
+hoisted his bargee.
+
+       ***
+
+Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a
+news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three
+months ago nothing could have averted a General Election.
+
+       ***
+
+A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which
+fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being
+done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of
+ostentatious patriotism.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in
+the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church
+magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their
+customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green
+peas and rolling them home.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing
+from the table." We have often noticed it do so.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch
+women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in
+warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a
+time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A Felicitous Juxtaposition.
+
+    "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
+    COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_.
+
+       ***
+
+    "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls.
+
+       ***
+
+    "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the
+    battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest.
+
+       ***
+
+The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO GERMANIA
+
+FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.
+
+_Air_--"To Althæa from Prison."
+
+  When Peace with wide and shining wings
+    Invades this warring isle,
+  And my beloved Germania brings
+    Wearing her largest smile;
+  When close about her waist I coil
+    And mouth to mouth apply,
+  Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When round the No-Conscription board
+    The wines of Rhineland flow,
+  And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared
+    To toast the _status quo_;
+  When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl
+    Our happy tears run dry,
+  Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When sausages and sauerkraut
+    Fulfil the air with spice,
+  And loosened tongues the praise shall shout
+    Of Peace-at-any-price;
+  When German weeds our lips employ
+    And hearts are full and high,
+  Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  Stone walls do not my feet confine
+    Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;
+  I talk at large and claim as mine
+    The freeman's heritage;
+  And, if this wicked War but end
+    Ere German hopes can die,
+  Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.
+
+"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much
+as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the
+parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded
+crutches.
+
+"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with
+her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course
+it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as
+yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner.
+
+"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a
+box of broken soldiers?"
+
+The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with
+condescension, to inquire.
+
+"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother.
+
+"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still.
+
+"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"
+
+"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already,"
+answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver
+badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty
+cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both
+legs.
+
+"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver
+badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be
+understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign.
+
+"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to
+be broken?"
+
+"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.
+
+"Why did Dick?" I persisted.
+
+"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father
+objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite
+rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was
+more disappointed still."
+
+"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested.
+
+"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know.
+She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing
+them."
+
+"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty
+together again," I said.
+
+"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.
+
+"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I
+remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us
+clamorously in the hall.
+
+"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.
+
+"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my
+pocket and handed it over.
+
+"Is that all?" demanded Alice.
+
+"There's one more," I said.
+
+"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very
+nicely as she took my arm.
+
+"No, that's for me," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.
+
+The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel.
+The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the
+rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters
+washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a
+good-sized town lay there.
+
+I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some
+difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it
+open, entered.
+
+A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer
+was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman.
+His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his
+garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each
+side of him stood an armed guard.
+
+"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly.
+
+"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head
+high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and
+yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as
+if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream.
+
+"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no
+alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out
+at dawn. Remove the prisoner."
+
+The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling
+with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he
+bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was
+marched away.
+
+The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I
+ever had on my ship."
+
+He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of
+unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to
+the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL.
+
+[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on
+account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed
+an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.
+
+_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO
+TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER-VANES.
+
+It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the
+situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his
+hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who
+was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+form.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.
+
+"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with
+East in it). "Give me the message book."
+
+Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun
+sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next
+message.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."
+
+"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork.
+"Which way _is_ the wind then?"
+
+The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened
+forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways
+it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in
+his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any
+wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade
+on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there
+must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language,
+went to sleep.
+
+In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who
+broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second
+poached egg.
+
+"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the
+limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be
+done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will
+you?"
+
+Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of
+it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time.
+People have been known to pass things to them unasked.)
+
+"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff
+Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the
+ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They
+aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the
+old woman told me."
+
+"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.)
+"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will
+let you--they're in there now, aren't they?"
+
+"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the
+Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse."
+
+"Why?" said the General.
+
+"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all
+after dinner."
+
+"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"
+
+"I brought the vanes, Sir."
+
+"Have any trouble?"
+
+"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was
+true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of
+interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them
+behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..."
+
+"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the
+main thing."
+
+"Where will you have one put, Sir?"
+
+"In the fields," said the B.M.
+
+"Not too low," said the Captain.
+
+"Or too high," said Signals.
+
+"Or too far away," said the attached officer.
+
+"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney."
+
+They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly
+dug-in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning.
+
+"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the
+vernacular). "Where's our vane?"
+
+"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--"
+
+"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major
+(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright
+and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.
+
+"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this
+is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He
+touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.
+
+"Paralysed," said the B.M.
+
+"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.
+
+"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the
+O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one).
+
+"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!"
+
+A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a
+handkerchief.
+
+"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"
+
+The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).
+
+"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!"
+
+"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute."
+
+"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!"
+
+"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff
+Captain.
+
+"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.
+
+I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to
+moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)."
+
+"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite
+perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit
+slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a
+bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right."
+
+"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.
+
+"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off.
+
+"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots,
+"and on m-me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three
+days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers,
+who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane
+was working.
+
+"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?"
+
+"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since
+he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the
+interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the
+pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir,
+tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's
+quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it,
+and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the
+wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--"
+
+"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness,
+"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here
+to-morrow; the division's going back."
+
+The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and
+bitter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.
+
+_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE
+FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--"
+
+_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Result of the Blockade.
+
+Notice on a railway bookstall:--
+
+"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.
+MUCH REDUCED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was
+    Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite
+    harmless."--_Daily News_.
+
+Obviously an impostor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates
+    celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire
+    Herald_.
+
+What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless
+phrase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Super-Submarine.
+
+    "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which
+    boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then
+    authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:--
+
+    "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and
+    taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next
+season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for
+eightpence or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING LEADER.
+
+  What is Master WINSTON doing?
+  What new paths is he pursuing?
+  What  strange  broth   can   he   be brewing?
+
+  Is he painting, by commission,
+  Portraits of the Coalition
+  For the R.A. exhibition?
+
+  Is he Jacky-obin or anti?
+  Is he likely to "go Fanti,"
+  Or becoming shrewd and canty?
+
+  Is he in disguise at Kovel,
+  Living in a moujik's hovel,
+  Making a tremendous novel?
+
+  Does he run a photo-play show?
+  Or in _sæva indignatio_
+  Is he writing for HORATIO?
+
+  Fired by the divine afflatus
+  Does he weekly lacerate us,
+  Like a Juvenal _renatus?_
+
+  As the great financial purist,
+  Will he smite the sinecurist
+  Or emerge as a Futurist?
+
+  Is he regularly sending
+  HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,
+  Good advice with censure blending?
+
+  Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?
+  Is he planting beet, or going
+  In for early 'tato-growing?
+
+  Is he writing verse or prosing,
+  Or intent upon disclosing
+  Gifts for musical composing?
+
+  Is he lecturing to flappers?
+  Is he tunnelling with sappers?
+  Has he joined the U-boat trappers?
+
+  Or, to petrify recorders
+  Of events within our borders,
+  _Has he taken Holy Orders?_
+
+  Is he well or ill or middling?
+  Is he fighting, is he fiddling?--
+  He can't only be thumb-twiddling.
+
+  These are merely dim surmises,
+  But experience advises
+  Us to look for weird surprises,
+  Somersaults, and strange disguises.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Thus we summed the situation
+  When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration
+  Brought about a transformation.
+
+  Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges
+  On a sudden re-emerges
+  And, to calm the naval _gurges_,
+  FISHER'S restoration urges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Work of Supererogation.
+
+    "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our
+    G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing
+    Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFORMATION WANTED.
+
+No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a
+law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask
+everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask
+casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are
+so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem,
+and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like
+chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an
+answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an
+inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to
+be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or
+is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as
+to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I
+knew these things.
+
+Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising
+out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so
+many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in
+the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest
+against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every
+performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in
+Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day
+by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of
+Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary
+visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but
+enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but
+no one tells me the one thing I want to know.
+
+Perhaps YOU can.
+
+I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want
+to know what would happen if we did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What to do with Our Dogs.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now.
+    Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too
+extravagant in these times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.
+
+  This scheme of keeping rabbits
+    To fatten them as food
+  Breaks up the kindly habits
+    Acquired in babyhood;
+  For we, as youthful scions,
+    Were taught to love the dears
+  And bring them dandelions
+    And lift them by the ears.
+
+  We learned how each new litter
+    That came to Flip or Fan
+  Grew finer and grew fitter
+    With tea-leaves in the bran;
+  We learned which stalks were milky
+    And which were merely tough,
+  What grass was good for Silky
+    And what was good for Fluff.
+
+  Such moral mild up-bringing
+    Now makes me much distressed
+  When little necks need wringing
+    And little paws protest,
+  Lest wraiths from empty hutches
+    Should haunt me, hung in pairs,
+  And ghosts--'tis here it touches--
+    Of happy Belgian hares.
+
+  However, with my morals
+    I manfully shall cope,
+  And back my country's quarrels,
+    But none the less I hope
+  Before poor Bunny's taken
+    As stuff for knife and fork
+  The hedge-hog will be bacon,
+    The guinea-pig be pork.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEMS FOR PÉTROLEUSES.
+
+The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women
+taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be
+required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As,
+however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes,
+we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a
+more general character:--
+
+(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able
+to fling a pint of London mud?
+
+(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much?
+
+(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the
+following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania.
+
+(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be
+employed?
+
+(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman,
+wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare
+plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of
+this generosity.
+
+(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the
+Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly.
+
+(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and
+serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.
+
+(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection--
+
+  "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"?
+  "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"?
+
+(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two
+spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a
+single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?
+
+(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do
+you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at
+that time?
+
+(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction
+to "The Palace" from--
+
+  (a) The PRIME MINISTER?
+  (b) The Bishop of LONDON?
+  (c) Any Second-Lieutenant?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant
+in Gramophone Department_).
+
+"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,'
+I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION
+WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROPHET OF EVIL.
+
+    "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+
+    'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily
+    Chronicle_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:--
+
+    "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all
+    parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be
+    available before the opening day."
+
+You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the
+insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST
+UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+TO TAKE NO NOTICE."
+
+_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS
+TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.
+
+  When JOOLIUS CÆSAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road
+    An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine,
+  The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load
+    Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine.
+  When  NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse
+    And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear,
+  The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across
+    Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, the  Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too,
+    Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows;
+  They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew
+    An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;
+  An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell,
+    An' the full edition's poured into the ear
+  Of the  man that's got  to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well),
+    The man with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon,
+    The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea,
+  The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon,
+    The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.;
+  The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard,
+    The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer,
+  An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard
+  Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night,
+    Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,
+  An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright
+    ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know");
+  An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun,
+    An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day;
+  An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun
+    Accompany one stripe (without the pay).
+
+  But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie,
+    Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot;
+  Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree
+    To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot;
+  The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank,
+    An' little changes means a step up 'ere,
+  So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank,
+    I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.
+
+{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) }
+{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_)        }
+
+"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."]
+
+_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that
+the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven
+hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I
+did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous
+to the State.
+
+Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially
+represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might
+assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be
+prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to
+the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace
+Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative.
+
+There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private
+room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the
+advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to
+the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries
+merely amount to the trifle of £133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a
+branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in
+the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into
+contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them
+confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will
+shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.
+
+_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the
+War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering
+their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary
+gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which
+gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when
+he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off
+his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling
+reply.
+
+This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen
+times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the
+refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery"
+to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures
+effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of
+one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches
+put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to
+reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had
+to intervene to stop the treatment.
+
+The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway
+advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable
+peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which
+stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr.
+PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless
+case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely,
+but was more impressed by a masterly exposé of the facts by Mr. RONALD
+M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in
+the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a
+cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who
+sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support.
+
+_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews
+of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money;
+and when the authors of the Turkish _communiqués_ hear of it they are
+expected to put in a similar claim.
+
+Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell
+us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had
+almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They
+and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON,
+now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions,
+discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of
+the Senior Service.
+
+He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the
+Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could
+he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had
+already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON
+CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been
+lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly
+misinformed or highly imaginative.
+
+_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the
+SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr.
+LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the
+wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to
+be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and
+called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he
+substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger
+of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that
+"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in
+which it was offered.
+
+Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a
+disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P.,
+for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the
+good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill
+that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless.
+
+_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of
+tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before
+very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the
+burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have
+a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to
+be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and
+the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good
+many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what
+they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID
+MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S
+absence, was soon talking to empty benches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU
+HAVE TO JOIN UP?"
+
+_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO
+SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO
+ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS
+TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPLIMENT.
+
+We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another
+man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of
+course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise
+what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular
+narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.
+
+"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary
+seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too
+physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the
+Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a
+recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter
+awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one
+we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke
+our little piece, urging the claims of country.
+
+"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we
+did our best.
+
+"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public
+building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The
+trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of
+which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the
+Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and
+that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told
+the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way
+for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company.
+
+"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators,
+and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed
+the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and
+indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are
+plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we
+would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to
+us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'"
+
+That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to
+think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought
+not rather to call him a man with a triumph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1
+    month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times
+    and Mirror_.
+
+A little less than kin and more than kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Thursday.
+
+    The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed
+    virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export
+    until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is
+    relieved."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is
+the depletion of our own sideboard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:--
+
+    "An acre of Oats will
+       feed for a week . . 100 people.
+    An acre of Potatoes  . 200   "
+     "  "   of Beef    . .   8   " "--_Irish Times_.
+
+We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last
+statement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS,
+THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"
+
+_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.
+
+A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.
+
+  Long ages ere the Age of Man,
+    While yet this earthly crust was thinnish,
+  The War of Might and Right began,
+    Proceeding swiftly to a finish;
+  And this provides in many ways
+  An object-lesson nowadays.
+
+  The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,
+    Shone with a most attractive lustre;
+  Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail--
+    They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster;
+  They laid their eggs in every land
+  And hid them deftly in the sand.
+
+  The Mammals, small as yet and few,
+    Relying less on scales and muscles,
+  Developed diaphragms, and grew
+    Non-nucleated red corpuscles;
+  They walked more nimbly on their legs
+  And learnt the art of sucking eggs.
+
+  The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,
+    Went off in high explosive fashion;
+  They lashed themselves to left and right
+    Into a pre-historic passion;
+  The Mammals, on the other hand,
+  Ate all their eggs up in the sand.
+
+  Those precious eggs, a source of pride
+    On which the Saurian hopes depended,
+  Kept all their enemies supplied
+    With life by which their own was ended;
+  And where they fondly hoped to spread
+  The Mammals lived and throve instead.
+
+  And so the Saurians passed from view,
+    Leaving behind the faintest traces,
+  No longer bent on hacking through,
+    Though looking still for sunny places;
+  Dwarfed to a more convenient size
+  They spend their time in catching flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NON-STOP LINGUIST.
+
+    "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an
+    officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress
+    Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen.
+    No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo
+    Chronicle_.
+
+In their "knighties," so to speak?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which
+    it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as
+    possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his
+    type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+    front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_.
+
+Another case of the Hidden Hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason
+    sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a
+master of that weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield
+    Gazette_.
+
+Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr.
+    Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_.
+
+Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?"
+
+"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his
+ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you."
+
+"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems
+to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food."
+
+"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get
+tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day."
+
+"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a
+joy to me."
+
+"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their
+eatables tough."
+
+"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."
+
+"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"
+
+"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a
+great help when you're being rationed."
+
+"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for
+that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating."
+
+"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at
+irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked
+abundance. To a man it is--"
+
+"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt
+even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed
+you'd never have found it out."
+
+"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last
+week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that
+can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a
+chop to-night instead of a rissole."
+
+"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet."
+
+"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for
+Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard."
+
+"Hens? What do you know about hens?"
+
+"For the matter of that, what do you?"
+
+"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know
+that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs
+unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse
+their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff
+Orpingtons can see it?"
+
+"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that
+if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will
+be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?"
+
+"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to
+begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs
+even when you don't watch them."
+
+"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the
+event to the world in the usual way?"
+
+"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and
+Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going
+to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish."
+
+"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be
+self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever
+does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that
+Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with."
+
+"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as
+being that kind of man at all."
+
+"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."
+
+"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his
+work."
+
+"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the
+herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started
+keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time
+comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies
+which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the
+morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life
+fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of
+day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a
+neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner."
+
+"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your
+egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl.
+They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady."
+
+"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs.
+Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no
+matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and
+succulent."
+
+"Hark!" said Francesca.
+
+"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick
+rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too
+late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my
+chop,--I mean cutlet."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.
+
+  I remember a day when I felt quite tall
+    Because of a gift of five whole shillings;
+  I was Johnson major then, I recall,
+    And didn't I swank and put on frillings!
+
+  Well, we know that children are parents of men;
+    And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager,
+  Here am I pleased with a crown again,
+    And signing myself as Johnson, Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would
+    take England."--_Irish Times_.
+
+The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of
+    Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our
+    line."--_Continental Daily Mail_.
+
+There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the
+Trunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four
+    miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South
+    for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North
+    for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves
+all the greater credit for his success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
+RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH."
+
+_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained
+thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he
+has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought
+about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing
+of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included
+Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the
+new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE,
+on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss
+and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is
+some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer
+betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old
+school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the
+airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the
+devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite
+makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a
+vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism
+founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with
+a very interesting fellow-traveller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course,
+whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on
+half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously
+by such a régime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six
+hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists,
+strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and
+moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog
+of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types
+of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be
+blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more
+interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former
+is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less
+sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success
+is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and
+_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody
+all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know
+what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings,
+which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them
+about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a
+romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the
+book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill
+of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad
+to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a
+long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a
+punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more
+than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young
+woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this
+has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_
+from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming
+young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the
+mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I
+have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to
+you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect
+orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of
+course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring
+improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for
+that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the
+cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an
+impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that
+rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is
+all wrong about the acting of that particular part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications,
+I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first
+completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years'
+experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In
+hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to
+find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me
+information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are
+many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the
+same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who
+march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best
+prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern
+Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to
+test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own
+feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years
+earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone
+into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central
+Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies
+of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_
+(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S
+story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous
+relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on
+_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he
+should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong
+drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S
+tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the
+author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two,
+thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged
+the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss
+WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of
+a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than
+those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend,
+and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing
+seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing
+therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts
+whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he
+carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square.
+Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+emphatically a book not to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful
+information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This
+is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the
+fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you
+will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods
+and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare
+not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior
+service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are
+due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But
+he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING.
+
+"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS
+HIM WARM."
+
+"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS
+CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely
+    three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He
+    arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before
+    the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny
+    pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have
+compelled him to go into liquidation.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14639-8.txt or 14639-8.zip *****
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+    <title>Punch, February 28th, 1917.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, 
+February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,  February 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 28th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133"
+       id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span>
+
+    <h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3>
+
+    <p>One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute
+    horror at the thought of being prematurely buried. Several
+    experts however say that this is impossible.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF
+    BAVARIA of having misunderstood an order, thus losing
+    Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT, we understand, retorted
+    that the real culprits were the British.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the <i>Cologne
+    Gazette</i> says, "He is a fine musician and his execution is
+    good." It would be.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/133.png"><img width="450"
+             src="images/133.png"
+             alt="The paper shortage." /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE PAPER SHORTAGE.</h4>
+
+        <p><i>News Editor of</i> "<i>Daily Bugle Blast</i>." "JUST
+        TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS,
+        PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA MUST APPRISE WORLD
+        THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost
+    since the beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has
+    been received with the liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat
+    commanders who have been in the awkward predicament of not
+    knowing whether they were officially missing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United
+    States disguised. Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an
+    officer and a gentleman.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone
+    tickets are issued for making soup, but the bone must be
+    returned to the authorities. Possibly the hardship of the
+    procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were permitted
+    to growl.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he
+    was forty-one years old, and only missed the age-limit by
+    eighteen hours. It is not thought that he did it purposely.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated
+    that he had nine children, but upon counting them again he
+    discovered that he had ten. There seems to be no excuse for
+    this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now fairly well
+    advertised.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It
+    is a most ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived."
+    This, of course, is foolish talk, for the lady has not seen
+    next season's style.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more
+    than one cigar a day to a customer. To conserve the supply
+    still further it is proposed to compel the tobacconist to offer
+    each customer the alternative of nuts.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY,
+    M.P., "I do not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been
+    known to express similar sentiments upon sighting certain
+    M.P.'s.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a
+    London magistrate in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing
+    how some policeman are able to hold them up without assistance
+    for several seconds at a time.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced,
+    will be over two thousand. It is still hoped, however, that
+    there may be a small surplus which can be devoted to the needs
+    of disabled soldiers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing
+    counterfeit food tickets. The defence will presumably be that
+    it wasn't real food.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the
+    Inland Water Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we
+    understand, has already hoisted his bargee.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from
+    China, says a news item, and will be used for confectionery.
+    Had they arrived three months ago nothing could have averted a
+    General Election.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid
+    an egg which fetched 35<i>s.</i> In the best hen circles, where
+    steady silent work is being done, there is a growing tendency
+    to frown upon these isolated acts of ostentatious
+    patriotism.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Times</i>, it seems, has not published a complete
+    list of its rivals in the desperate struggle for the smallest
+    circulation. A Finchley Church magazine has increased its price
+    to 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> a copy.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in
+    Bangor, and their customers are patriotically assisting this
+    economy by unpodding their green peas and rolling them
+    home.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is
+    fast disappearing from the table." We have often noticed it do
+    so.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the <i>Berliner
+    Tageblatt</i>, "to watch women-folk walking beside their
+    half-starved dogs. There is no room in warfare for dogs." We
+    have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a time when
+    one half the dachshund does not know how the other half
+    lives.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>A Felicitous Juxtaposition.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.<br />
+         COL. &mdash;&mdash; LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."&mdash;<i>Lincoln
+        Leader</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+        Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in
+    fowls.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome
+        after the battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from
+        Kiel."&mdash;<i>Johannesburg Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the
+    roughest.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134"
+       id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>
+
+    <h3>TO GERMANIA</h3>
+
+    <h4>FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Air</i>&mdash;"To Alth&aelig;a from
+    Prison."</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When Peace with wide and shining wings</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Invades this warring isle,</p>
+
+            <p>And my beloved Germania brings</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wearing her largest smile;</p>
+
+            <p>When close about her waist I coil</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And mouth to mouth apply,</p>
+
+            <p>Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When round the No-Conscription board</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The wines of Rhineland flow,</p>
+
+            <p>And many a rousing <i>Hoch!</i> is roared</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To toast the <i>status quo</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our happy tears run dry,</p>
+
+            <p>Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When sausages and sauerkraut</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fulfil the air with spice,</p>
+
+            <p>And loosened tongues the praise shall shout</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Peace-at-any-price;</p>
+
+            <p>When German weeds our lips employ</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And hearts are full and high,</p>
+
+            <p>Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Stone walls do not my feet confine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;</p>
+
+            <p>I talk at large and claim as mine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The freeman's heritage;</p>
+
+            <p>And, if this wicked War but end</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ere German hopes can die,</p>
+
+            <p>Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will be more pleased than I.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department,
+    "you've got as much as you can carry." Unfortunately it was
+    impossible to relieve her of the parcels as I had all my work
+    cut out to manipulate those confounded crutches.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading
+    the way with her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not
+    frightfully tired." Of course it seemed ridiculous, but I had
+    not been out of hospital many days, and as yet I had not grown
+    used to stumping about in this manner.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such
+    a thing as a box of broken soldiers?"</p>
+
+    <p>The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt,
+    but offered, with condescension, to inquire.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's
+    youngest brother.</p>
+
+    <p>"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister,
+    younger still.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large
+    boxes already," answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a
+    frock coat, with a silver badge on the right lapel, "For
+    Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty cardboard box, and
+    in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+    soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had
+    lost both legs.</p>
+
+    <p>"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man
+    with the silver badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic
+    pocket. It seemed to be understood that they and I had been
+    knocked out in the same campaign.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want
+    the soldiers to be broken?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I&mdash;I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why did Dick?" I persisted.</p>
+
+    <p>"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You
+    see, Father objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new
+    ones. Dick was quite rebellious. He wanted to know what he was
+    to do for wounded; and Alice was more disappointed still."</p>
+
+    <p>"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her,"
+    I suggested.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross
+    nurse, you know. She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She
+    only thinks of healing them."</p>
+
+    <p>"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put
+    Humpty Dumpty together again," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.</p>
+
+    <p>"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you
+    as well," I remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely
+    forgotten until they met us clamorously in the hall.</p>
+
+    <p>"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.</p>
+
+    <p>"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper
+    parcel from my pocket and handed it over.</p>
+
+    <p>"Is that all?" demanded Alice.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's one more," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and
+    smiled very nicely as she took my arm.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, that's for me," she said.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.</h3>
+
+    <p>The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over
+    the Channel. The few lights we carried reflected in-board only,
+    and, leaning over the rail, it was with difficulty that I could
+    distinguish the dark waters washing below. Shore-ward I could
+    see nothing, though I knew that a good-sized town lay
+    there.</p>
+
+    <p>I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my
+    feet with some difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way
+    to a door and, pushing it open, entered.</p>
+
+    <p>A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of
+    a naval officer was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall
+    well-set-up young seaman. His dishevelled head was hatless, but
+    otherwise he looked trim, and his garments fitted him better
+    than a seaman's garments generally do. On each side of him
+    stood an armed guard.</p>
+
+    <p>"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer
+    sternly.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He
+    held his head high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire
+    his courageous bearing, and yet there was an air of unreality
+    about the whole thing. I felt almost as if I were dreaming it,
+    but I knew that this was not a dream.</p>
+
+    <p>"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the
+    officer. "I have no alternative but to sentence you to death.
+    The sentence will be carried out at dawn. Remove the
+    prisoner."</p>
+
+    <p>The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be
+    struggling with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself
+    to silence. Then he bowed his head, and, turning, placed
+    himself between the guards and was marched away.</p>
+
+    <p>The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's
+    the best man I ever had on my ship."</p>
+
+    <p>He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange
+    sense of unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the
+    Third Act of <i>True to the Death</i>, a melodrama in the
+    pavilion at the end of the pier.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135"
+       id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter">
+        <a href="images/135.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/135.png"
+             alt="The Retort Celestial." /></a>
+
+        <h2>THE RETORT CELESTIAL.</h2>
+
+        <p>[China has threatened to break off relations with the
+        German Government on account of its barbarity. It will be
+        recalled that the KAISER once designed an allegorical
+        picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136"
+       id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/136.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/136.png"
+             alt="Sauce for the Gander." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Grocer</i>. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART,
+        PLEASE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Waitress</i> (<i>late grocer's assistant</i>).
+        "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER,
+        SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>WEATHER-VANES.</h3>
+
+    <p>It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly
+    chorus, and the situation reports were coming in from the
+    battalions in the line. With his hair sizzling in the flame of
+    the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who was on duty for the
+    night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+    form.</p>
+
+    <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.</p>
+
+    <p>"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits
+    upon a wind with East in it). "Give me the message book."</p>
+
+    <p>Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and
+    machine gun sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then
+    he turned to the next message.</p>
+
+    <p>"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."</p>
+
+    <p>"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless
+    handiwork. "Which way <i>is</i> the wind then?"</p>
+
+    <p>The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a
+    moistened forefinger and the information that it was "blowing
+    acrossways, leastways it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of
+    his little wire bed, searched in his pyjamas for the North
+    Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any wind at all
+    (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+    responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when
+    the Brigade on the right flank reported a totally different
+    wind he concluded there must be a whirlwind in the line, and,
+    putting up a barrage of bad language, went to sleep.</p>
+
+    <p>In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff
+    Captain, who broached the subject at breakfast as the General
+    was probing his second poached egg.</p>
+
+    <p>"This," said the General, who is rather given to the
+    vernacular, "is the limit. A North-South-East-West report is
+    preposterous. Something must be done. Haven't we got a
+    weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will you?"</p>
+
+    <p>Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O.
+    feeling out of it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals
+    really get a very good time. People have been known to pass
+    things to them unasked.)</p>
+
+    <p>"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?"
+    said the Staff Captain brightly&mdash;he is very bright and
+    bird-like in the mornings&mdash;"the ones the padre thought
+    were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They aren't ours,
+    but then they aren't anybody's&mdash;they've been there a year,
+    the old woman told me."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful
+    of toast.) "Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the
+    Heavy Group Artillery will let you&mdash;they're in there now,
+    aren't they?"</p>
+
+    <p>"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for
+    dinner," said the Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes
+    my s-stammer worse."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why?" said the General.</p>
+
+    <p>"Indigestion&mdash;nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the
+    telephone at all after dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I brought the vanes, Sir."</p>
+
+    <p>"Have any
+    trouble?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137"
+       id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span>
+
+    <p>"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them
+    behind,' which was true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once
+    felt himself the centre of interest and desired to improve the
+    occasion). "We <i>did</i> 'leave them behind,' so it wasn't a
+    lie exactly ..."</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em,
+    that's the main thing."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where will you have one put, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>"In the fields," said the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not too low," said the Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or too high," said Signals.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or too far away," said the attached officer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the
+    chutney."</p>
+
+    <p>They all passed it as well as several other things until he
+    was thoroughly dug-in.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next
+    morning.</p>
+
+    <p>"&mdash;&mdash;!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his
+    partiality for the vernacular). "Where's our vane?"</p>
+
+    <p>"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and
+    I&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all
+    went&mdash;General, Brigade Major (enunciating pedantically
+    after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright and birdlike),
+    and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.</p>
+
+    <p>"North is&mdash;there!" said the General in his best
+    field-day manner, "and this is pointing&mdash;due East!" He
+    touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He touched it again.
+    A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.</p>
+
+    <p>"Paralysed," said the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants
+    <i>oil</i>!" and the O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil
+    (salad, bottle, one).</p>
+
+    <p>"Now pour it over the top&mdash;top, boy, top!"</p>
+
+    <p>A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched
+    hastily for a handkerchief.</p>
+
+    <p>"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"</p>
+
+    <p>The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).</p>
+
+    <p>"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say
+    now? East!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a
+    minute."</p>
+
+    <p>"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well,
+    I'm&mdash;West!"</p>
+
+    <p>"The padre was right&mdash;it must be a fireguard, after
+    all," said the Staff Captain.</p>
+
+    <p>"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.</p>
+
+    <p>I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as:
+    "Wind light to moderate (to strong), varying from East to West
+    (<i>via</i> North and South)."</p>
+
+    <p>"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not
+    quite perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop,
+    wires are a bit slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and
+    the whole thing is in rather a bad position, but otherwise it's
+    all right&mdash;quite all right."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.</p>
+
+    <p>"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved
+    off.</p>
+
+    <p>"There is," said the B.M., discovering
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138"
+       id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> another blob on his shiny
+       boots, "and on m-me!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted
+    alone. For three days he had been the despair of the small and
+    perspiring body of pioneers, who towards the end had fled at
+    the mere sight of him. But at last the vane was working.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind,
+    expert?"</p>
+
+    <p>"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he
+    had done since he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and
+    he was pleased at the interest the Staff had taken in his
+    little achievement.) "I've had the pioneers working on it, and
+    we've got it up another four feet, Sir, tightened the pole, and
+    wired it on to the supports on every side. It's quite
+    perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on
+    it, and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength
+    of the wind&mdash;that flap thing, you know, Sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his
+    first keenness, "I'm glad it's working all right. By the way,
+    we shall be moving from here to-morrow; the division's going
+    back."</p>
+
+    <p>The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was
+    strong and bitter.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/137.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/137.png"
+             alt="At our Company Smoker." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.</h3>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>The Major</i> (<i>sings</i>). "AND WE
+        DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE FOE
+        TEN&mdash;TWENTY&mdash;THIRTY&mdash;FORTY&mdash;"</p>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>Colonel</i> (<i>roused from
+        surreptitious snooze</i>). "AS YOU
+        WERE!&mdash;<b>NUMBER!</b>"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Result of the Blockade.</h4>
+
+    <p>Notice on a railway bookstall:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.<br />
+     MUCH REDUCED."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that
+        he was Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he
+        appeared quite harmless."&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Obviously an impostor.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of
+        undergraduates celebrating some joyous event at the college
+        tuck-shop."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Herald</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this
+    artless phrase.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Super-Submarine.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a
+        submarine, which boarded the American boat, took the names
+        of all on board, and then authorised the continuation of
+        the voyage."&mdash;<i>Evening News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find
+        taxi-cabs, and taxi-cubs with pneumatic
+        tyres."&mdash;<i>Scots Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in
+    time for next season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for
+    the money&mdash;a mile for eightpence or so.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MISSING LEADER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What is Master WINSTON doing?</p>
+
+            <p>What new paths is he pursuing?</p>
+
+            <p>What strange broth can he be brewing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he painting, by commission,</p>
+
+            <p>Portraits of the Coalition</p>
+
+            <p>For the R.A. exhibition?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he Jacky-obin or anti?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he likely to "go Fanti,"</p>
+
+            <p>Or becoming shrewd and canty?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he in disguise at Kovel,</p>
+
+            <p>Living in a moujik's hovel,</p>
+
+            <p>Making a tremendous novel?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Does he run a photo-play show?</p>
+
+            <p>Or in <i>s&aelig;va indignatio</i></p>
+
+            <p>Is he writing for HORATIO?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fired by the divine afflatus</p>
+
+            <p>Does he weekly lacerate us,</p>
+
+            <p>Like a Juvenal <i>renatus?</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As the great financial purist,</p>
+
+            <p>Will he smite the sinecurist</p>
+
+            <p>Or emerge as a Futurist?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he regularly sending</p>
+
+            <p>HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,</p>
+
+            <p>Good advice with censure blending?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he planting beet, or going</p>
+
+            <p>In for early 'tato-growing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he writing verse or prosing,</p>
+
+            <p>Or intent upon disclosing</p>
+
+            <p>Gifts for musical composing?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he lecturing to flappers?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he tunnelling with sappers?</p>
+
+            <p>Has he joined the U-boat trappers?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Or, to petrify recorders</p>
+
+            <p>Of events within our borders,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Has he taken Holy Orders?</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Is he well or ill or middling?</p>
+
+            <p>Is he fighting, is he fiddling?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>He can't only be thumb-twiddling.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>These are merely dim surmises,</p>
+
+            <p>But experience advises</p>
+
+            <p>Us to look for weird surprises,</p>
+
+            <p>Somersaults, and strange disguises.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus we summed the situation</p>
+
+            <p>When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration</p>
+
+            <p>Brought about a transformation.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges</p>
+
+            <p>On a sudden re-emerges</p>
+
+            <p>And, to calm the naval <i>gurges</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>FISHER'S restoration urges.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Work of Supererogation.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by
+        members of our G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf
+        of a fund for providing Huns for our
+        soldiers."&mdash;<i>Parish Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>INFORMATION WANTED.</h3>
+
+    <p>No one can answer the question, and I have not the
+    pluck&mdash;being a law-abiding citizen&mdash;to try for
+    myself. But I do so want to know. I ask everyone. I ask my
+    partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask casual
+    acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they
+    are so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very
+    engrossing problem, and upon this problem many minor problems
+    depend, clustering round it like chickens round the maternal
+    hen. But I should be quite content with an answer only to the
+    hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an inter-dependence
+    between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+    someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone
+    else had to be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities
+    dislike us to be comfy? Or is it thought that the public might
+    get so much attracted by the habit as to convert the place into
+    a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I knew these
+    things.</p>
+
+    <p>Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and
+    then&mdash;arising out of this question&mdash;get all the other
+    subsidiary facts? We are told so many things that don't matter,
+    such as the enormous number of Ministers in the new Government,
+    which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest against
+    too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and
+    every performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as
+    the best place in Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit;
+    such as the breaks made day by day all through the War by
+    billiard champions; such as the departure of Mr. G.B. SHAW on
+    his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary visit
+    to the Front and his return from that experience; such
+    as&mdash;but enough. I am told by the informative Press all
+    these and more things, but no one tells me the one thing I want
+    to know.</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps YOU can.</p>
+
+    <p>I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving
+    staircases, and I want to know what would happen if we did.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>What to do with Our Dogs.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "FOR SALE.&mdash;Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing
+        to wear now. Seamless, comfortable. All
+        Wool."&mdash;<i>Bedford Daily Circular</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."&mdash;<i>Glasgow
+        Citizen</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but
+    too extravagant in these times.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139"
+       id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>
+
+    <h3>BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This scheme of keeping rabbits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To fatten them as food</p>
+
+            <p>Breaks up the kindly habits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Acquired in babyhood;</p>
+
+            <p>For we, as youthful scions,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were taught to love the dears</p>
+
+            <p>And bring them dandelions</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And lift them by the ears.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We learned how each new litter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That came to Flip or Fan</p>
+
+            <p>Grew finer and grew fitter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With tea-leaves in the bran;</p>
+
+            <p>We learned which stalks were milky</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And which were merely tough,</p>
+
+            <p>What grass was good for Silky</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what was good for Fluff.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Such moral mild up-bringing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now makes me much distressed</p>
+
+            <p>When little necks need wringing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And little paws protest,</p>
+
+            <p>Lest wraiths from empty hutches</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Should haunt me, hung in pairs,</p>
+
+            <p>And ghosts&mdash;'tis here it touches&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of happy Belgian hares.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>However, with my morals</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I manfully shall cope,</p>
+
+            <p>And back my country's quarrels,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But none the less I hope</p>
+
+            <p>Before poor Bunny's taken</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As stuff for knife and fork</p>
+
+            <p>The hedge-hog will be bacon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The guinea-pig be pork.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">W.H.O.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>PROBLEMS FOR P&Eacute;TROLEUSES.</h3>
+
+    <p>The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to
+    sanction women taxicab drivers, we understand that all
+    applicants for licences will be required to pass a severe
+    examination in "knowledge of London." As, however, this will be
+    concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes, we
+    venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary
+    questions of a more general character:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles
+    an hour, be able to fling a pint of London mud?</p>
+
+    <p>(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if
+    so, how much?</p>
+
+    <p>(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate
+    the following:&mdash;(<i>a</i>) contempt, (<i>b</i>) rage,
+    (<i>c</i>) homicidal mania.</p>
+
+    <p>(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words
+    "Thank you" be employed?</p>
+
+    <p>(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly
+    gentleman, wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are
+    tendered the legal fare plus twopence. Express, within ladylike
+    limits, your appreciation of this generosity.</p>
+
+    <p>(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a
+    member of the Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer
+    accordingly.</p>
+
+    <p>(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a
+    becoming and serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.</p>
+
+    <p>(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The hand that stops the traffic rules the
+            world"?</p>
+
+            <p>"This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an
+            alien"?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed
+    simultaneously by two spinster ladies with hand luggage,
+    wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a single unencumbered
+    gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?</p>
+
+    <p>(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres
+    end, and which do you consider the best places of concealment
+    in which to secrete yourself at that time?</p>
+
+    <p>(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a
+    simple direction to "The Palace" from&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>(a) The PRIME MINISTER?</p>
+
+            <p>(b) The Bishop of LONDON?</p>
+
+            <p>(c) Any Second-Lieutenant?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/139.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/139.png"
+             alt="Old Lady in Gramophone Department." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>buying records to send to
+        France&mdash;to assistant in Gramophone
+        Department</i>).</p>
+
+        <p>"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S
+        BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,' I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME
+        KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION WHICH COULD BE OF
+        ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Prophet of Evil.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"&mdash;<i>Headlines in</i>
+        "<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an official circular relating to the British Industries
+    Fair:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair
+        from all parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair,
+        but will not be available before the opening day."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get
+    there.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140"
+       id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/140.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/140.png"
+             alt="The Vicar and Mrs. Bloggs." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been
+        describing the insulting behaviour of the lady next
+        door</i>). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT BEING
+        SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+        TO TAKE NO NOTICE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Bloggs</i>. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO,
+        SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND
+        AGAIN&mdash;JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When JOOLIUS C&AElig;SAR took 'is guns along the
+            pavvy road</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the
+            Rhine,</p>
+
+            <p>The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy
+            load</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was the men 'ose job did correspond to
+            mine.</p>
+
+            <p>When NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly
+            Fosse</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And made the Prooshians sweat their souls
+            with fear,</p>
+
+            <p>The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well
+            across</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was the men with actin' rank o'
+            bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, the Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes
+            the Capting too,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then to the subs the 'eavy language
+            flows;</p>
+
+            <p>They comes an' calls their Numbers One an
+            inefficient crew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;</p>
+
+            <p>An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly
+            'ell,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' the full edition's poured into the
+            ear</p>
+
+            <p>Of the man that's got to be ubeek (an' you
+            be&mdash;blest as well),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The man with actin' rank o'
+            bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter
+            afternoon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin'
+            tea,</p>
+
+            <p>The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in
+            Bethoon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Capting's snorin' out at the
+            O.P.;</p>
+
+            <p>The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a
+            prommynard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin'
+            beer,</p>
+
+            <p>An' the man they've left to work an' drill an'
+            grouse an' mount the guard</p>
+
+            <p>Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin'
+            stores at night,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,</p>
+
+            <p>An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the
+            'ome fires bright</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched,
+            you know");</p>
+
+            <p>An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the
+            gun,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy
+            day;</p>
+
+            <p>An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly
+            fun</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Accompany one stripe (without the
+            pay).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l
+            Artillerie,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of cheerful things to think there's quite
+            a lot;</p>
+
+            <p>Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of
+            Februree</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To do instructin' stunts at
+            Aldershot;</p>
+
+            <p>The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned
+            rank,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' little changes means a step up
+            'ere,</p>
+
+            <p>So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang
+            blank,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll soon drop "<i>actin</i>'" off the
+            "bombardier."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141"
+       id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/141.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/141.png"
+             alt="Who Follows?" /></a>
+
+        <h3>WHO FOLLOWS?</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142"
+       id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/142.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/142.png"
+             alt="Opposition approval of the New Boys." /></a>
+
+        <h4>OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.</h4>
+
+        <table summary="illustration caption">
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left">MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (<i>patting Sir EDWARD
+                    CARSON on the back</i>)
+                </td>
+                <td rowspan="2" align="right">&nbsp;&nbsp; <big>}</big> "HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."
+                </td>
+            </tr>
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left">MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (<i>patting Mr. BONAR LAW
+                    on the back</i>)
+                </td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+   <p><i>Monday, February 19th</i>.&mdash;The CHANCELLOR OF THE
+    EXCHEQUER announced that the "new money" subscribed for the War
+    Loan amounted to at least seven hundred millions. Being a
+    modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I did it," though
+    it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+    sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not
+    more onerous to the State.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were
+    specially represented at the Peace Conference, in order that
+    her delegates might assert her right to self-government. I dare
+    say, if pressed, he would be prepared to nominate at least one
+    of her representatives. Having regard to the Nationalist
+    attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+    retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the
+    Peace Conference, but he contented himself with a simple
+    negative.</p>
+
+    <p>There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits
+    in his private room scheming out new Departments and murmuring
+    like the gentleman in the advertisement of the elastic
+    bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to the present,
+    however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+    Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and
+    their salaries merely amount to the trifle of &pound;133,500.
+    It is pleasant to learn that a branch of the Shipping
+    Controller's department is appropriately housed in the Lake
+    Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+    objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he
+    has come into contact make no sort of secret about their
+    business (one pictures them confiding in this gentleman), it is
+    expected that the Board of Works will shortly commandeer a
+    strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 20th</i>.&mdash;In one respect the two
+    representatives of the War Office in the House of Commons are
+    singularly alike. When answering their daily catechism both
+    wear spectacles&mdash;Mr. FORSTER an ordinary gold-rimmed pair,
+    Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which gives
+    an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each,
+    when he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by
+    carefully taking off his glasses and so giving himself an extra
+    moment or two to frame a telling reply.</p>
+
+    <p>This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off
+    half-a-dozen times as he withstood an assault directed from
+    various quarters against the refusal of the War Office to admit
+    the profession of "manipulative surgery" to the Army Medical
+    Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures effected by
+    this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+    Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that
+    the life of one private soldier was more valuable than that of
+    the two Front Benches put together. All these attempts at
+    manipulative surgery quite failed to reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S
+    obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had to intervene
+    to stop the treatment.</p>
+
+    <p>The persistence with which a little knot of Members below
+    the Gangway advances the proposition that all Germany is
+    longing to make an honourable peace, and that it is only the
+    insatiate ambition of the Allies which stands in the way, would
+    be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr. PONSONBY,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143"
+       id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr.
+       SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless case with a good deal
+       of varied ability. A small house listened politely, but was
+       more impressed by a masterly expos&eacute; of the facts by
+       Mr. RONALD M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR
+       GREENWOOD; while later in the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated
+       the national aims in the War with a cogency that drew from
+       Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who sit
+       opposite the Government" to give Ministers their
+       whole-hearted support.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 21st</i>.&mdash;The House learned
+    with satisfaction that crews of our river gun-boats in
+    Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money; and when the
+    authors of the Turkish <i>communiqu&eacute;s</i> hear of it
+    they are expected to put in a similar claim.</p>
+
+    <p>Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the
+    Clock&mdash;his friends all tell us that he is superior to
+    Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable&mdash;I had almost said
+    respectful&mdash;distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+    conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN
+    JELLICOE. They and all of us listened intently while for over
+    an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON, now as much at home on the
+    quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions, discoursed
+    eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work
+    of the Senior Service.</p>
+
+    <p>He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or
+    pretend that the Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy
+    for their attacks. Nor could he say&mdash;for reasons which
+    seemed to satisfy the House&mdash;how many of them had already
+    been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral
+    VON CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single
+    U-boat had been lost since the opening of the new campaign, of
+    being either singularly misinformed or highly imaginative.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, February 22nd</i>.&mdash;A strange sympathy
+    seems to exist between the SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I
+    fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr. LOWTHER'S is in his
+    heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the wayward
+    Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems
+    to be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr.
+    MACPHERSON, and called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to
+    withdraw the expression, he substituted "impudent." That would
+    not do either, and there seemed danger of a deadlock and
+    another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that "incorrect"
+    was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+    purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the
+    spirit in which it was offered.</p>
+
+    <p>Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work.
+    Whenever there is a disagreeable or awkward measure to
+    introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home Secretary, if I may
+    borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P., for one
+    of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate
+    the good points and soften the possible asperities of the
+    National Service Bill that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had
+    come to condemn, remained to bless.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday, February 23rd</i>.&mdash;Owing to a variety of
+    causes, we are short of tonnage, and unless we manage to grow
+    more and consume less we shall before very long be within reach
+    of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the burden of the PRIME
+    MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have a
+    guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural
+    labourer is to be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum
+    wage of 25<i>s.</i> a week, and the rest of us are to go
+    without most of our imported luxuries and a good many
+    necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+    prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to
+    secure what they felt might be their last really substantial
+    luncheon, and Mr. DAVID MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill
+    the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S absence, was soon talking to
+    empty benches.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/143.png"><img width="400"
+             src="images/143.png"
+             alt="The Big 'Un and The Little 'Un." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Big 'Un.</i> "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE
+        THAT YOU HAVE TO JOIN UP?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Little 'Un.</i> "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT.
+        YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT
+        WERE, IN MARCH."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144"
+       id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/144.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/144.png"
+             alt="Acrobat, having been officially informed that he belongs to one of the non-essential professions..." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS
+        TO ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES
+        NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS
+        SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+    <p>We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But
+    there is another man with a grievance whom I rather like, and
+    this is his story. I must, of course, let him tell it in the
+    first-person-singular, because otherwise what is the use of
+    having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular narrative
+    form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as
+    an ordinary seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and
+    being perhaps not too physically vigorous and having a certain
+    rhetorical gift, developed at the Union, I was told off, after
+    some months' training, to take part in a recruiting campaign.
+    We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter awakened the
+    neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+    coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew
+    round. One by one we mounted whatever rostrum there was&mdash;a
+    drinking fountain, say&mdash;and spoke our little piece, urging
+    the claims of country.</p>
+
+    <p>"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old
+    men; but we did our best.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a
+    public building, and then the proceedings were more formal and
+    pretentious. The trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would
+    open the ball. The occasion of which I am thinking was one of
+    these meetings in the East End, where the Chairman was a local
+    tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and that
+    England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free;
+    he told the audience how many of his relations were fighting;
+    and then he made way for our gallant boys in blue who were to
+    address the company.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of
+    the orators, and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He
+    said how much he had enjoyed the speeches and how much he hoped
+    that they would bear good fruit; and indeed he felt confident
+    of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are plain
+    straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk,
+    and we would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who
+    'ave been talking to us this evening, than any fine Oxford
+    gentleman.'"</p>
+
+    <p>That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet,
+    now I come to think about it again, and his manner of telling
+    it, I'm not sure I ought not rather to call him a man with a
+    triumph.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar
+        cheesemaking for 1 month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated
+        as family."&mdash;<i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A little less than kin and more than kine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="author">"Washington, Thursday.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The representatives of thirty leading American railways
+        have agreed virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of
+        freight for export until the present congestion on the
+        eastern sideboard is relieved."&mdash;<i>Evening
+        Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are
+    concerned about is the depletion of our own sideboard.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an official advertisement in favour of
+    tillage:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "An acre of Oats will<br />
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;feed for a week . . 100
+        people.<br />
+         An acre of Potatoes . . 200&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"<br />
+         &nbsp;&nbsp;"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of Beef &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; .
+        .
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;8&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"&mdash;<i>
+        Irish Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility
+    for the last statement.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145"
+       id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/145.png"><img width="675"
+             src="images/145.png"
+             alt="Father and Hopeful." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Father</i>. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN
+        SMITHERS, THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER.
+        AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hopeful</i>. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT&mdash;IT'S
+        HEREDITARY."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long ages ere the Age of Man,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">While yet this earthly crust was
+            thinnish,</p>
+
+            <p>The War of Might and Right began,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Proceeding swiftly to a finish;</p>
+
+            <p>And this provides in many ways</p>
+
+            <p>An object-lesson nowadays.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shone with a most attractive lustre;</p>
+
+            <p>Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They pinned their faith to bulk and
+            bluster;</p>
+
+            <p>They laid their eggs in every land</p>
+
+            <p>And hid them deftly in the sand.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Mammals, small as yet and few,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Relying less on scales and muscles,</p>
+
+            <p>Developed diaphragms, and grew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Non-nucleated red corpuscles;</p>
+
+            <p>They walked more nimbly on their legs</p>
+
+            <p>And learnt the art of sucking eggs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Went off in high explosive fashion;</p>
+
+            <p>They lashed themselves to left and right</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Into a pre-historic passion;</p>
+
+            <p>The Mammals, on the other hand,</p>
+
+            <p>Ate all their eggs up in the sand.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Those precious eggs, a source of pride</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On which the Saurian hopes depended,</p>
+
+            <p>Kept all their enemies supplied</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With life by which their own was
+            ended;</p>
+
+            <p>And where they fondly hoped to spread</p>
+
+            <p>The Mammals lived and throve instead.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And so the Saurians passed from view,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leaving behind the faintest traces,</p>
+
+            <p>No longer bent on hacking through,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though looking still for sunny
+            places;</p>
+
+            <p>Dwarfed to a more convenient size</p>
+
+            <p>They spend their time in catching flies.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Non-Stop Linguist.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "To O.C. . . . From . . . Brigade. &mdash;&mdash; Corps
+        requires services of an officer who can speak Italian
+        fluently for four or five days."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies'
+        Fancy Dress Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main
+        Street. No Gentlemen. No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in
+        mail attire."&mdash;<i>Bulawayo Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>In their "knighties," so to speak?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before
+        them which it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to
+        reach as soon as possible."&mdash;<i>Congleton
+        Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and
+        his type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+        front-door,"&mdash;<i>Munsey's Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Another case of the Hidden Hand.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2
+        tons, reason sale, requires care when taken out of
+        harness."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on
+    getting rid of a master of that weight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken
+        run."&mdash;<i>Enfield Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.&mdash;Special
+        Lecture&mdash;'The Great War Novel, Mr. Bristling Sees it
+        Through.'"<i>&mdash;Glasgow Evening News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146"
+       id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>
+
+    <h3>HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord
+    DEVONPORT?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living
+    under his ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank
+    you."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or
+    twice. It seems to consist very largely of rissoles and that
+    kind of food."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides,
+    you'd soon get tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every
+    day."</p>
+
+    <p>"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak
+    would always be a joy to me."</p>
+
+    <p>"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really
+    like their eatables tough."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's
+    there, which is a great help when you're being rationed."</p>
+
+    <p>"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women
+    don't care for that feeling. They like their food light but
+    stimulating."</p>
+
+    <p>"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one
+    tray and at irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them
+    a sort of wicked abundance. To a man it is&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to
+    tighten your belt even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't
+    known you were being rationed you'd never have found it
+    out."</p>
+
+    <p>"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have
+    suffered this last week in the matter of beefsteaks and that
+    kind of food are the worst that can happen to us we shan't have
+    much to complain of&mdash;but I should like a chop to-night
+    instead of a rissole."</p>
+
+    <p>"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a
+    cutlet."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much
+    as we might for Lord DEVONPORT."</p>
+
+    <p>"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the
+    stable-yard."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hens? What do you know about hens?"</p>
+
+    <p>"For the matter of that, what do you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all
+    the same. I know that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and
+    that they never lay any eggs unless you put a china egg in
+    their nest just to coax them along and rouse their ambition.
+    Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff Orpingtons
+    can see it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems
+    to think that if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or
+    so the laying of eggs will be promoted. Won't you go round with
+    him next time?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm
+    not going to begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already
+    said they never lay eggs even when you don't watch them."</p>
+
+    <p>"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."</p>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "this <i>is</i> exciting. Did the happy
+    mother announce the event to the world in the usual way?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a
+    quarter-of-an-hour, and Frederick came along and seized the
+    subject of her rejoicing. You're going to have it to-night,
+    boiled, instead of soup and fish."</p>
+
+    <p>"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon
+    be self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord
+    DEVONPORT."</p>
+
+    <p>"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up
+    hen-keeper ever does. Besides, it's our duty to help the
+    Government all we can, so that Lord DEVONPORT may have so much
+    more to play with."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't
+    strike me as being that kind of man at all."</p>
+
+    <p>"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."</p>
+
+    <p>"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's
+    chin-deep in his work."</p>
+
+    <p>"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're
+    pulling up the herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes,
+    and that we've started keeping hens, and that we've already got
+    one egg, and that when the time comes we shall not lack for
+    chicken, roast or boiled."</p>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to
+    the tragedies which are inseparable from the possession of Buff
+    Orpingtons? In the morning a young bird struts about in his
+    pride, resolved to live his life fearlessly and to salute the
+    dawn at any and every hour before the break of day. Then
+    something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+    ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible
+    struggle; a neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is
+    chicken for dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to
+    countermand your egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make
+    a real friend of a fowl. They've got such silly ways and their
+    eyes are so beady."</p>
+
+    <p>"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than
+    our Mrs. Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of
+    propriety, while they&mdash;no matter; I hope the chicken when
+    its moment comes will be tender and succulent."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hark!" said Francesca.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and
+    there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket,
+    to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can
+    have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,&mdash;I mean
+    cutlet."</p>
+
+    <p>"No," she said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">R.C.L.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember a day when I felt quite tall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Because of a gift of five whole
+            shillings;</p>
+
+            <p>I was Johnson major then, I recall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And didn't I swank and put on
+            frillings!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, we know that children are parents of men;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And, now that I'm getting an ancient
+            stager,</p>
+
+            <p>Here am I pleased with a crown again,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And signing myself as Johnson, Major.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no
+        washing; would take England."&mdash;<i>Irish Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "During the night an enemy raiding party in the
+        neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage
+        before reaching our line."&mdash;<i>Continental Daily
+        Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks,
+    and now the Trunks.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for
+        about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its
+        course is almost due South for about the same distance.
+        Then against the stream it goes due North for about the
+        same distance."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General
+    MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147"
+       id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/147.png"><img width="650"
+             src="images/147.png"
+             alt="She: You know, there's something rather nice about Mr. Thomkins-Smith." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>She</i> (<i>referring to host</i>). "YOU KNOW,
+        THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR.
+        THOMKINS-SMITH."</p>
+
+        <p><i>He.</i> "YES&mdash;I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>War and the Future</i> (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is
+    not a sustained thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of
+    epigram about the War as he has seen it on the French, Italian
+    and British fronts, and has thought about it in peaceful Essex.
+    A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing of the Effigy,"
+    suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+    series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which
+    has included Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the
+    First&mdash;and Third. In the light of the new time we see the
+    emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE, on the
+    other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without
+    fuss and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly
+    well. There is some particularly interesting matter about
+    aeroplane work, and the writer betrays a keen distress lest the
+    cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old school should make
+    them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the airmen in
+    the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+    organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships,
+    to which the devastation of this War will be merely sketchy;
+    but I doubt if he quite makes his point here. And finally this
+    swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a vision which he has seen of
+    a new world-wide interrelated republicanism founded on a
+    recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+    down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate
+    conversation with a very interesting fellow-traveller.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present
+    spendthrift course, whatever Board controls the consumption of
+    paper will have to put him on half rations. I believe that his
+    literary health would benefit enormously by such a
+    r&eacute;gime. This was my first thought in contemplating the
+    almost six hundred pages of <i>In the Wilderness</i> (METHUEN),
+    and it persists, strengthened now that I have turned the last,
+    of them. Here is a direct and moving tragedy of three lives,
+    much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog of superfluous
+    words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+    the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely
+    divergent types of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather
+    than Mr. HICHENS, should be blamed for the fact that the
+    unmoral <i>Cynthia</i> is many times more interesting than the
+    virtuous but slightly fatiguing <i>Rosamund</i>. The former is
+    indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none
+    the less sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly,
+    however, her success is to some extent due to contrast; for
+    certainly both <i>Rosamund</i> and <i>Dion</i>, the husband
+    whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody all the
+    worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you
+    know what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility
+    to surroundings, which renders them so fluid that often the
+    scenery seems to push them about. It is this, coupled with the
+    author's own lingering pleasure in a romantic setting, that
+    delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the book, over
+    long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the
+    skill of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at
+    his best.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148"
+       id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>
+
+    <p>Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON
+    HUTTEN I am glad to say that I consider <i>Magpie</i>
+    (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a long time since I
+    read a happier or more holding story. The title is a punning
+    one, as the heroine's name is really <i>Margaret Pye</i>, but I
+    am more than willing to overlook this for the sake of the
+    pleasantly-drawn young woman to whom it refers and the general
+    interest of the tale. Briefly, this has two movements, one
+    forward, which deals with the evolution of <i>Mag</i> from a
+    fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the
+    charming young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and
+    concerned with the mystery of a wonderful artist who has
+    disappeared before the story opens. I have no idea of clearing
+    up, or even further indicating, this problem to you. But I will
+    say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect orgy
+    of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little
+    breathless. Of course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a
+    baker's dozen of glaring improbabilities; but I am much
+    mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for that. A quaint
+    personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the cast
+    of <i>Pinkie and the Fairies</i> on its revival) might well
+    seem an impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of
+    superiority that rewards the well-informed. But I can assure
+    Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is all wrong about the acting of
+    that particular part.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of
+    periodical publications, I ought to say that the case of <i>The
+    New Europe</i> (CONSTABLE), whose first completed volume lies
+    before me, is exceptional. In thirty years' experience of
+    journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+    "meat"&mdash;some of it pretty strong meat, too&mdash;in
+    proportion to its size. In hardly a single week since its first
+    issue in October last have I failed to find between its
+    tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me information
+    that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+    something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it
+    there are many other writers&mdash;and even, perhaps, some
+    statesmen&mdash;who have enjoyed the same experience. Dr.
+    SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who march under
+    his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+    for example, that <i>Austria est delenda</i> may prove the only
+    or the best prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs
+    of South-Eastern Europe), but they always furnish the reader
+    with the facts enabling him to test their conclusions; and that
+    in these times is a great merit. My own feeling is that if they
+    had begun their concerted labours a few years earlier the War
+    might never have happened; or at least we should have gone into
+    it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the
+    Central Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating
+    them. The tragedies of Serbia and Roumania would almost
+    certainly have been averted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find
+    <i>Frailty</i> (CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope
+    of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S story, sufficiently indicated by its
+    title, does not admit of humorous relief. But it is both
+    vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on <i>Charles
+    Ley</i> that, after heroically curing himself of the drug
+    habit, he should marry the girl of his choice only to find her
+    a victim to strong drink. But of course, had this not happened,
+    the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S tale would have been weakened by
+    half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the author knows when to
+    stop, and confines her awful examples to these two, thereby
+    avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall)
+    plunged the entire cast of <i>Danesbury House</i> into a flood
+    of alcohol. Not that Miss WADSLEY herself lacks for courage;
+    she can rise unusually to the demands of a situation, and I
+    have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than those
+    that depict the gradual conquest of <i>Charles</i> by the
+    cocaine fiend, and his subsequent struggle back to freedom.
+    Here the "strong" writing seemed to me both natural and in
+    place; ever so much more convincing therefore than when
+    employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts whether, even
+    in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+    was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was
+    <i>Charles</i> when he carried off his chosen mate from a
+    small-and-early in Grosvenor Square. Fortunately the other
+    parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+    emphatically a book not to be missed.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much
+    delightful information that he tries to ration himself to so
+    many pages per day. This is what I resolved to do with <i>In
+    the Northern Mists</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON); but I could not
+    keep to my resolution, so attractive was the fare. These
+    sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+    with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a
+    sailor you will learn a lot from this admirable theologian
+    about the men and methods and the spirit of the Grand Fleet.
+    His book fills me with pride; yet I dare not express it for
+    fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior service.
+    So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies
+    are due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation
+    of his book. But he seems human enough to pardon the more
+    venial sins.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/148.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/148.png"
+             alt="A case for rationing." /></a>
+
+        <h4>A CASE FOR RATIONING.</h4>
+
+        <p>"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I
+        SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS HIM WARM."</p>
+
+        <p>"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS
+        RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES
+        OUT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope
+        Gill, barely three months old, who subscribed the whole of
+        his life's savings. He arrived at the bank with his mother,
+        and there was poured out before the astonished gaze of the
+        officials four hundred threepenny pieces."&mdash;<i>Weekly
+        Dispatch</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it
+    should have compelled him to go into liquidation.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,  February 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the
+thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this
+is impossible.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having
+misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT,
+we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British.
+
+       ***
+
+In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a
+fine musician and his execution is good." It would be.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE.
+
+_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT
+FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA
+MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."]
+
+       ***
+
+No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the
+beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the
+liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the
+awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised.
+Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued
+for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly
+the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were
+permitted to growl.
+
+       ***
+
+A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one
+years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not
+thought that he did it purposely.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine
+children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There
+seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now
+fairly well advertised.
+
+       ***
+
+Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most
+ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is
+foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style.
+
+       ***
+
+Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a
+day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to
+compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts.
+
+       ***
+
+"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do
+not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar
+sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s.
+
+       ***
+
+"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate
+in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to
+hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two
+thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus
+which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers.
+
+       ***
+
+Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food
+tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food.
+
+       ***
+
+The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water
+Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already
+hoisted his bargee.
+
+       ***
+
+Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a
+news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three
+months ago nothing could have averted a General Election.
+
+       ***
+
+A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which
+fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being
+done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of
+ostentatious patriotism.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in
+the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church
+magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their
+customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green
+peas and rolling them home.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing
+from the table." We have often noticed it do so.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch
+women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in
+warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a
+time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A Felicitous Juxtaposition.
+
+    "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
+    COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_.
+
+       ***
+
+    "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls.
+
+       ***
+
+    "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the
+    battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest.
+
+       ***
+
+The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO GERMANIA
+
+FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.
+
+_Air_--"To Althaea from Prison."
+
+  When Peace with wide and shining wings
+    Invades this warring isle,
+  And my beloved Germania brings
+    Wearing her largest smile;
+  When close about her waist I coil
+    And mouth to mouth apply,
+  Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When round the No-Conscription board
+    The wines of Rhineland flow,
+  And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared
+    To toast the _status quo_;
+  When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl
+    Our happy tears run dry,
+  Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When sausages and sauerkraut
+    Fulfil the air with spice,
+  And loosened tongues the praise shall shout
+    Of Peace-at-any-price;
+  When German weeds our lips employ
+    And hearts are full and high,
+  Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  Stone walls do not my feet confine
+    Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;
+  I talk at large and claim as mine
+    The freeman's heritage;
+  And, if this wicked War but end
+    Ere German hopes can die,
+  Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.
+
+"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much
+as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the
+parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded
+crutches.
+
+"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with
+her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course
+it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as
+yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner.
+
+"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a
+box of broken soldiers?"
+
+The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with
+condescension, to inquire.
+
+"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother.
+
+"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still.
+
+"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"
+
+"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already,"
+answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver
+badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty
+cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both
+legs.
+
+"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver
+badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be
+understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign.
+
+"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to
+be broken?"
+
+"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.
+
+"Why did Dick?" I persisted.
+
+"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father
+objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite
+rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was
+more disappointed still."
+
+"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested.
+
+"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know.
+She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing
+them."
+
+"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty
+together again," I said.
+
+"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.
+
+"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I
+remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us
+clamorously in the hall.
+
+"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.
+
+"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my
+pocket and handed it over.
+
+"Is that all?" demanded Alice.
+
+"There's one more," I said.
+
+"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very
+nicely as she took my arm.
+
+"No, that's for me," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.
+
+The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel.
+The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the
+rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters
+washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a
+good-sized town lay there.
+
+I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some
+difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it
+open, entered.
+
+A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer
+was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman.
+His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his
+garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each
+side of him stood an armed guard.
+
+"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly.
+
+"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head
+high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and
+yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as
+if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream.
+
+"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no
+alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out
+at dawn. Remove the prisoner."
+
+The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling
+with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he
+bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was
+marched away.
+
+The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I
+ever had on my ship."
+
+He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of
+unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to
+the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL.
+
+[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on
+account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed
+an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.
+
+_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO
+TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER-VANES.
+
+It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the
+situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his
+hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who
+was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+form.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.
+
+"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with
+East in it). "Give me the message book."
+
+Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun
+sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next
+message.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."
+
+"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork.
+"Which way _is_ the wind then?"
+
+The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened
+forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways
+it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in
+his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any
+wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade
+on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there
+must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language,
+went to sleep.
+
+In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who
+broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second
+poached egg.
+
+"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the
+limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be
+done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will
+you?"
+
+Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of
+it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time.
+People have been known to pass things to them unasked.)
+
+"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff
+Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the
+ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They
+aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the
+old woman told me."
+
+"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.)
+"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will
+let you--they're in there now, aren't they?"
+
+"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the
+Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse."
+
+"Why?" said the General.
+
+"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all
+after dinner."
+
+"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"
+
+"I brought the vanes, Sir."
+
+"Have any trouble?"
+
+"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was
+true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of
+interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them
+behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..."
+
+"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the
+main thing."
+
+"Where will you have one put, Sir?"
+
+"In the fields," said the B.M.
+
+"Not too low," said the Captain.
+
+"Or too high," said Signals.
+
+"Or too far away," said the attached officer.
+
+"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney."
+
+They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly
+dug-in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning.
+
+"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the
+vernacular). "Where's our vane?"
+
+"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--"
+
+"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major
+(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright
+and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.
+
+"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this
+is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He
+touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.
+
+"Paralysed," said the B.M.
+
+"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.
+
+"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the
+O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one).
+
+"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!"
+
+A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a
+handkerchief.
+
+"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"
+
+The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).
+
+"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!"
+
+"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute."
+
+"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!"
+
+"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff
+Captain.
+
+"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.
+
+I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to
+moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)."
+
+"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite
+perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit
+slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a
+bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right."
+
+"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.
+
+"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off.
+
+"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots,
+"and on m-me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three
+days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers,
+who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane
+was working.
+
+"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?"
+
+"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since
+he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the
+interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the
+pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir,
+tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's
+quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it,
+and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the
+wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--"
+
+"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness,
+"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here
+to-morrow; the division's going back."
+
+The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and
+bitter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.
+
+_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE
+FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--"
+
+_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Result of the Blockade.
+
+Notice on a railway bookstall:--
+
+"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.
+MUCH REDUCED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was
+    Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite
+    harmless."--_Daily News_.
+
+Obviously an impostor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates
+    celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire
+    Herald_.
+
+What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless
+phrase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Super-Submarine.
+
+    "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which
+    boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then
+    authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:--
+
+    "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and
+    taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next
+season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for
+eightpence or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING LEADER.
+
+  What is Master WINSTON doing?
+  What new paths is he pursuing?
+  What  strange  broth   can   he   be brewing?
+
+  Is he painting, by commission,
+  Portraits of the Coalition
+  For the R.A. exhibition?
+
+  Is he Jacky-obin or anti?
+  Is he likely to "go Fanti,"
+  Or becoming shrewd and canty?
+
+  Is he in disguise at Kovel,
+  Living in a moujik's hovel,
+  Making a tremendous novel?
+
+  Does he run a photo-play show?
+  Or in _saeva indignatio_
+  Is he writing for HORATIO?
+
+  Fired by the divine afflatus
+  Does he weekly lacerate us,
+  Like a Juvenal _renatus?_
+
+  As the great financial purist,
+  Will he smite the sinecurist
+  Or emerge as a Futurist?
+
+  Is he regularly sending
+  HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,
+  Good advice with censure blending?
+
+  Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?
+  Is he planting beet, or going
+  In for early 'tato-growing?
+
+  Is he writing verse or prosing,
+  Or intent upon disclosing
+  Gifts for musical composing?
+
+  Is he lecturing to flappers?
+  Is he tunnelling with sappers?
+  Has he joined the U-boat trappers?
+
+  Or, to petrify recorders
+  Of events within our borders,
+  _Has he taken Holy Orders?_
+
+  Is he well or ill or middling?
+  Is he fighting, is he fiddling?--
+  He can't only be thumb-twiddling.
+
+  These are merely dim surmises,
+  But experience advises
+  Us to look for weird surprises,
+  Somersaults, and strange disguises.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Thus we summed the situation
+  When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration
+  Brought about a transformation.
+
+  Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges
+  On a sudden re-emerges
+  And, to calm the naval _gurges_,
+  FISHER'S restoration urges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Work of Supererogation.
+
+    "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our
+    G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing
+    Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFORMATION WANTED.
+
+No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a
+law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask
+everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask
+casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are
+so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem,
+and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like
+chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an
+answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an
+inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to
+be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or
+is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as
+to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I
+knew these things.
+
+Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising
+out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so
+many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in
+the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest
+against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every
+performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in
+Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day
+by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of
+Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary
+visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but
+enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but
+no one tells me the one thing I want to know.
+
+Perhaps YOU can.
+
+I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want
+to know what would happen if we did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What to do with Our Dogs.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now.
+    Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too
+extravagant in these times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.
+
+  This scheme of keeping rabbits
+    To fatten them as food
+  Breaks up the kindly habits
+    Acquired in babyhood;
+  For we, as youthful scions,
+    Were taught to love the dears
+  And bring them dandelions
+    And lift them by the ears.
+
+  We learned how each new litter
+    That came to Flip or Fan
+  Grew finer and grew fitter
+    With tea-leaves in the bran;
+  We learned which stalks were milky
+    And which were merely tough,
+  What grass was good for Silky
+    And what was good for Fluff.
+
+  Such moral mild up-bringing
+    Now makes me much distressed
+  When little necks need wringing
+    And little paws protest,
+  Lest wraiths from empty hutches
+    Should haunt me, hung in pairs,
+  And ghosts--'tis here it touches--
+    Of happy Belgian hares.
+
+  However, with my morals
+    I manfully shall cope,
+  And back my country's quarrels,
+    But none the less I hope
+  Before poor Bunny's taken
+    As stuff for knife and fork
+  The hedge-hog will be bacon,
+    The guinea-pig be pork.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEMS FOR PETROLEUSES.
+
+The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women
+taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be
+required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As,
+however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes,
+we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a
+more general character:--
+
+(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able
+to fling a pint of London mud?
+
+(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much?
+
+(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the
+following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania.
+
+(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be
+employed?
+
+(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman,
+wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare
+plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of
+this generosity.
+
+(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the
+Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly.
+
+(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and
+serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.
+
+(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection--
+
+  "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"?
+  "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"?
+
+(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two
+spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a
+single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?
+
+(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do
+you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at
+that time?
+
+(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction
+to "The Palace" from--
+
+  (a) The PRIME MINISTER?
+  (b) The Bishop of LONDON?
+  (c) Any Second-Lieutenant?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant
+in Gramophone Department_).
+
+"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,'
+I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION
+WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROPHET OF EVIL.
+
+    "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+
+    'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily
+    Chronicle_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:--
+
+    "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all
+    parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be
+    available before the opening day."
+
+You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the
+insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST
+UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+TO TAKE NO NOTICE."
+
+_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS
+TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.
+
+  When JOOLIUS CAESAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road
+    An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine,
+  The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load
+    Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine.
+  When  NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse
+    And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear,
+  The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across
+    Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, the  Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too,
+    Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows;
+  They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew
+    An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;
+  An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell,
+    An' the full edition's poured into the ear
+  Of the  man that's got  to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well),
+    The man with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon,
+    The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea,
+  The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon,
+    The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.;
+  The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard,
+    The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer,
+  An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard
+  Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night,
+    Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,
+  An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright
+    ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know");
+  An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun,
+    An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day;
+  An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun
+    Accompany one stripe (without the pay).
+
+  But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie,
+    Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot;
+  Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree
+    To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot;
+  The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank,
+    An' little changes means a step up 'ere,
+  So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank,
+    I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.
+
+{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) }
+{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_)        }
+
+"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."]
+
+_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that
+the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven
+hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I
+did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous
+to the State.
+
+Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially
+represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might
+assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be
+prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to
+the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace
+Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative.
+
+There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private
+room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the
+advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to
+the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries
+merely amount to the trifle of L133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a
+branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in
+the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into
+contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them
+confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will
+shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.
+
+_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the
+War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering
+their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary
+gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which
+gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when
+he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off
+his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling
+reply.
+
+This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen
+times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the
+refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery"
+to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures
+effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of
+one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches
+put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to
+reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had
+to intervene to stop the treatment.
+
+The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway
+advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable
+peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which
+stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr.
+PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless
+case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely,
+but was more impressed by a masterly expose of the facts by Mr. RONALD
+M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in
+the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a
+cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who
+sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support.
+
+_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews
+of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money;
+and when the authors of the Turkish _communiques_ hear of it they are
+expected to put in a similar claim.
+
+Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell
+us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had
+almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They
+and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON,
+now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions,
+discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of
+the Senior Service.
+
+He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the
+Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could
+he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had
+already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON
+CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been
+lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly
+misinformed or highly imaginative.
+
+_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the
+SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr.
+LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the
+wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to
+be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and
+called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he
+substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger
+of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that
+"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in
+which it was offered.
+
+Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a
+disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P.,
+for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the
+good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill
+that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless.
+
+_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of
+tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before
+very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the
+burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have
+a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to
+be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and
+the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good
+many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what
+they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID
+MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S
+absence, was soon talking to empty benches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU
+HAVE TO JOIN UP?"
+
+_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO
+SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO
+ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS
+TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPLIMENT.
+
+We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another
+man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of
+course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise
+what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular
+narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.
+
+"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary
+seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too
+physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the
+Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a
+recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter
+awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one
+we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke
+our little piece, urging the claims of country.
+
+"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we
+did our best.
+
+"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public
+building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The
+trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of
+which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the
+Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and
+that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told
+the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way
+for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company.
+
+"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators,
+and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed
+the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and
+indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are
+plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we
+would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to
+us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'"
+
+That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to
+think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought
+not rather to call him a man with a triumph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1
+    month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times
+    and Mirror_.
+
+A little less than kin and more than kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Thursday.
+
+    The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed
+    virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export
+    until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is
+    relieved."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is
+the depletion of our own sideboard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:--
+
+    "An acre of Oats will
+       feed for a week . . 100 people.
+    An acre of Potatoes  . 200   "
+     "  "   of Beef    . .   8   " "--_Irish Times_.
+
+We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last
+statement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS,
+THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"
+
+_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.
+
+A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.
+
+  Long ages ere the Age of Man,
+    While yet this earthly crust was thinnish,
+  The War of Might and Right began,
+    Proceeding swiftly to a finish;
+  And this provides in many ways
+  An object-lesson nowadays.
+
+  The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,
+    Shone with a most attractive lustre;
+  Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail--
+    They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster;
+  They laid their eggs in every land
+  And hid them deftly in the sand.
+
+  The Mammals, small as yet and few,
+    Relying less on scales and muscles,
+  Developed diaphragms, and grew
+    Non-nucleated red corpuscles;
+  They walked more nimbly on their legs
+  And learnt the art of sucking eggs.
+
+  The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,
+    Went off in high explosive fashion;
+  They lashed themselves to left and right
+    Into a pre-historic passion;
+  The Mammals, on the other hand,
+  Ate all their eggs up in the sand.
+
+  Those precious eggs, a source of pride
+    On which the Saurian hopes depended,
+  Kept all their enemies supplied
+    With life by which their own was ended;
+  And where they fondly hoped to spread
+  The Mammals lived and throve instead.
+
+  And so the Saurians passed from view,
+    Leaving behind the faintest traces,
+  No longer bent on hacking through,
+    Though looking still for sunny places;
+  Dwarfed to a more convenient size
+  They spend their time in catching flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NON-STOP LINGUIST.
+
+    "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an
+    officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress
+    Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen.
+    No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo
+    Chronicle_.
+
+In their "knighties," so to speak?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which
+    it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as
+    possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his
+    type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+    front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_.
+
+Another case of the Hidden Hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason
+    sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a
+master of that weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield
+    Gazette_.
+
+Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr.
+    Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_.
+
+Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?"
+
+"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his
+ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you."
+
+"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems
+to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food."
+
+"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get
+tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day."
+
+"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a
+joy to me."
+
+"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their
+eatables tough."
+
+"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."
+
+"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"
+
+"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a
+great help when you're being rationed."
+
+"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for
+that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating."
+
+"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at
+irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked
+abundance. To a man it is--"
+
+"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt
+even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed
+you'd never have found it out."
+
+"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last
+week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that
+can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a
+chop to-night instead of a rissole."
+
+"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet."
+
+"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for
+Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard."
+
+"Hens? What do you know about hens?"
+
+"For the matter of that, what do you?"
+
+"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know
+that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs
+unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse
+their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff
+Orpingtons can see it?"
+
+"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that
+if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will
+be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?"
+
+"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to
+begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs
+even when you don't watch them."
+
+"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the
+event to the world in the usual way?"
+
+"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and
+Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going
+to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish."
+
+"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be
+self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever
+does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that
+Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with."
+
+"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as
+being that kind of man at all."
+
+"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."
+
+"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his
+work."
+
+"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the
+herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started
+keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time
+comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies
+which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the
+morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life
+fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of
+day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a
+neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner."
+
+"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your
+egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl.
+They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady."
+
+"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs.
+Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no
+matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and
+succulent."
+
+"Hark!" said Francesca.
+
+"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick
+rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too
+late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my
+chop,--I mean cutlet."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.
+
+  I remember a day when I felt quite tall
+    Because of a gift of five whole shillings;
+  I was Johnson major then, I recall,
+    And didn't I swank and put on frillings!
+
+  Well, we know that children are parents of men;
+    And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager,
+  Here am I pleased with a crown again,
+    And signing myself as Johnson, Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would
+    take England."--_Irish Times_.
+
+The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of
+    Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our
+    line."--_Continental Daily Mail_.
+
+There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the
+Trunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four
+    miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South
+    for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North
+    for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves
+all the greater credit for his success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
+RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH."
+
+_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained
+thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he
+has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought
+about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing
+of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included
+Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the
+new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE,
+on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss
+and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is
+some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer
+betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old
+school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the
+airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the
+devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite
+makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a
+vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism
+founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with
+a very interesting fellow-traveller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course,
+whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on
+half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously
+by such a regime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six
+hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists,
+strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and
+moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog
+of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types
+of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be
+blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more
+interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former
+is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less
+sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success
+is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and
+_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody
+all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know
+what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings,
+which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them
+about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a
+romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the
+book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill
+of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad
+to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a
+long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a
+punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more
+than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young
+woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this
+has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_
+from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming
+young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the
+mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I
+have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to
+you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect
+orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of
+course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring
+improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for
+that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the
+cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an
+impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that
+rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is
+all wrong about the acting of that particular part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications,
+I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first
+completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years'
+experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In
+hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to
+find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me
+information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are
+many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the
+same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who
+march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best
+prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern
+Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to
+test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own
+feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years
+earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone
+into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central
+Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies
+of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_
+(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S
+story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous
+relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on
+_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he
+should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong
+drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S
+tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the
+author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two,
+thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged
+the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss
+WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of
+a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than
+those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend,
+and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing
+seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing
+therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts
+whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he
+carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square.
+Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+emphatically a book not to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful
+information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This
+is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the
+fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you
+will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods
+and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare
+not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior
+service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are
+due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But
+he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING.
+
+"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS
+HIM WARM."
+
+"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS
+CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely
+    three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He
+    arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before
+    the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny
+    pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have
+compelled him to go into liquidation.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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