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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14467-0.txt b/14467-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0834071 --- /dev/null +++ b/14467-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3326 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14467 *** + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Thomas Baker + +THE FINE LADY'S AIRS + +(1709) + +With an Introduction by +John Harrington Smith + + +Publication Number 25 + +Los Angeles + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1950 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +In the first decade of the eighteenth century, with comedy in train to be +altered out of recognition to please the reformers and the ladies, one of +the two talented writers who attempted to keep the comic muse alive in +something like her "Restoration" form was Thomas Baker.[1] Of Baker's four +plays which reached the stage, none has been reprinted since the +eighteenth century and three exist only as originally published. Of these +three the best is _The Fine Lady's Airs_; hence its selection for the +_Reprints_. + +Baker's career in the theatre was as successful as should have been +expected by any young man who after his first play attempted to swim +against rather than with the current of taste. His first effort, entitled +_The Humour of the Age_, was produced at D.L. c. February 1701, and +published March 22,[2] the author having then but reached his "Twenty +First Year" (Dedication). It must have been well received, for Baker +speaks of "the extraordinary Reception this Rough Draught met with." +Indeed, it has in it, despite some "satire," a number of motifs which +would recommend it to the audience. Railton, the antimatrimonialist and +libertine of the piece, is given the wittiest lines, but his attempt to +seduce Tremilia, a grave Quaker-clad beauty, is frowned on by everyone, +including the author; and when the rake attempts to force the lady, +Freeman, a man of sense, intervenes with sword drawn and gives him a stern +lecture. In the end, when Tremilia, giving her hand to Freeman, turns out +to be an heiress who had assumed the Quaker garb to make sure of getting a +disinterested husband, the error of Railton's ways becomes apparent. At +the same time his cast mistress, whom he had succeeded in marrying off to +a ridiculous old Justice, is impressed by Tremilia's "great Example." +"How conspicuous a thing is Virtue!" says she, in an aside; and she +resolves to make the Justice a model wife. Despite much wit the play is +thus, in its main drift, exemplary. + +Baker followed with _Tunbridge-Walks: Or, The Yeoman of Kent_, D.L. Jan. +1703, a play good enough to pass into the repertory and to be revived many +times in the course of the century. The variety of company and the holiday +atmosphere of the English watering-place had inspired good comedies of +intrigue, manners, and character eccentricities before this date (e.g. +Shadwell's _Epsom Wells_ and Rawlins' _Tunbridge-Wells_). Baker decorates +his scene with such "humours" as Maiden, "a Nice Fellow that values +himself upon all Effeminacies;" Squib, a bogus captain; Mrs. Goodfellow, +"a Lady that loves her Bottle;" her niece Penelope, "an Heroic Trapes;" +and Woodcock, the Yeoman, a rich, sharp, forthright, crusty old fellow +with a pretty daughter, Belinda, whom he is determined never to marry +but to a substantial farmer of her own class: her suitor, a clever +ne'er-do-well named Reynard, of course tricks the old gentleman by an +intrigue and a disguise. It is Reynard's sister Hillaria, however, "a +Railing, Mimicking Lady" with no money and no admitted scruples, but +enough beauty and wit to match when and with whom she chooses, who +dominates the play; and though Loveworth, whom she finally permits to win +her, is rather substantial than gay, she is gay enough for them both. The +action, though somewhat farcical, has verve throughout, and the dialogue +crackles. And, as regards the nature of comedy, Baker now knows where he +stands. There is no character who could possibly be taken as an "example." +On the contrary, whenever a pathetic or "exemplary" effect seems imminent +Hillaria or Woodcock is always there to knock it on the head. Thus when +Belinda goes into blank verse to lament the paternal tyranny which was +threatening to separate her from Reynard, + +What Noise and Discord sordid Interest breeds! +Oh! that I had shar'd a levell'd State of Life, +With quiet humble Maids, exempt from Pride, +And Thoughts of Worldly Dross that marr their Joys, +In Any Sphere, but a Distinguished Heiress, +To raise me Envy, and oppose my Love. +Fortune, Fortune, Why did you give me Wealth to make me wretched! + +Hillaria comes in: + +Belinda in Tears--Now has that old Rogue been Plaguing her--Poor Soul!... +Come, Child, Let's retire, and take a Chiriping Dram, Sorrow's dry; I'le +divert you with the New Lampoon, 'tis a little Smutty; but what then; we +Women love to read those things in private. _(Exeunt)_ + +Within a year Baker had another play ready--_An Act at Oxford_, with the +scene laid in the university town and some of the characters Oxford types. +Whether through objections by the University authorities or not (they +would perhaps have thought themselves justified in bringing pressure, +for Baker certainly does not treat his _alma mater_ with great respect) +the play in this form was not acted. Baker published it in 1704, in the +Dedication referring to "the most perfect Enjoyment of Life, I found at +Oxford" and disclaiming any intention to give offence, he then salvaged +most of the play in a revision, _Hampstead Heath_ (D.L. Oct. 1705), +with the scene changed to Hampstead. It is as non-edifying as +_Tunbridge-Walks_. The note is struck on the first page, when Captain +Smart, who has been trying to read a new comedy entitled _Advice to All +Parties_, flings it down with expressions of ennui; shortly thereafter +Deputy Driver, a member of a Reforming Society, appears on the scene to be +twitted because while pretending to reform the whole world he can't keep +his own wife from gadding; and matters proceed with Smart's project to +trick a skittish independence-loving heiress into keeping a compact she +had made to marry him, and his friend Bloom's attempts at the cagey virtue +of Mrs. Driver. The latter project comes to nothing, but both hunter and +hunted find pleasure in the chase while it lasts. When Mrs. D. returns to +the Deputy at the end, her motive for reassuming his yoke is a sound one-- +she's out of funds; and her advice to him, "If you'd check my Rambling, +loose my Reins," is sound Wycherleyan sense. It must be admitted that when +one compares the dialogue of _Hampstead Heath_ with that of the _Act_ some +punches are shown to have been pulled in the revision.[4] While keeping +the play comic Baker still did not wish to push the audience too far. + +In December, 1708 he made his fourth and (as it proved) final try for fame +and fortune in the theatre with _The fine Lady's Airs,_ He claims that it +was well received (see Dedication) and he had his third night, but +D'Urfey, whose enmity Baker had incurred, says (Pref. to _The Modern +Prophets_) that the play was "hist," and _The British Apollo_, which +carried on a feud with Baker in August and September of 1709, makes the +same assertion in several places.[5] This, to be sure, is testimony from +enemies. But obviously the play was far less liked than _Tunbridge-Walks_ +had been, and thus (to compare a small man with a great one) Baker's +experience was something like Congreve's, when, after the great success of +_Love for Love, The Way of the World_ won only a tepid reception. And it +is chiefly Congreve whom he takes for his model; the play is an attempt at +a level of comedy higher than Baker had aimed at before. He does not +always succeed: Congreve's kind of writing was not natural to Baker, and +the lines sometimes labor. Still, the Bleinheim-Lady Rodomont duel has +merit; and Sir Harry Sprightly (though of course he owes something to +Farquhar's Wildair), Mrs. Lovejoy, and Major Bramble are all in Baker's +best manner. On the whole it was a better play than the audience in 1708 +deserved. Presumably Baker felt this, for he wrote no more for the stage. + +Most of the account of Baker's life pulled together in the DNB article on +him has a decidedly apocryphal ring to it. The statement (first made in +_The Poetical Register_, 1719) that he was "Son of an Eminent Attorney of +the City of London" sounds like something manufactured out of whole cloth +by a compiler who in fact had no idea whose son Baker was. The _Biographia +Dramatica_ had "heard" that the effeminate Maiden in _Tunbridge-Walks_ + + was absolutely, and without exaggeration, a portrait of the author's + own former character, whose understanding having at length pointed + out to him the folly he had so long been guilty-of, he reformed it + altogether ... and wrote this character, in order to ... warn others + from that rock of contempt, which he had himself for some time been + wrecked on. + +Nothing on its face more improbable than this could well be imagined. +And that Baker could have "died ... of that loathsome Distemper the +_Morbus Pediculosus_" (sketch of him in _Scanderbeg,_ 1747) does not sound +likely, either.[6] + +A lead to more solid information is furnished by the circumstance of +Baker's having been educated at Oxford. We have seen (above) that he was +barely twenty-one when _The Humour of the Age_ was printed in March of +1701. A Thomas Baker, son of John Baker of Ledbury, Hereford, was entered +at Brasenose College, Oxford, on March 18, 1697, aged seventeen.[7] The +ages falling so pat, this must be our dramatist. Upon taking his B.A. at +Christ Church in 1700 he must immediately have set to scribbling his first +play (the Dedication says that it was "writ in two months last summer"). +Perhaps at this time he lived in London in some such boarding-house as +furnishes the scene for the play. + +He may have been already studying law, for at least by 1709 (we cannot +tell how much earlier) he was "by trade an Attorney."[8] It seems likely +that various touches in the comedies reflect his training for this +calling. In _The Humour of the Age_, Pun and Quibble, the principal fops, +are a pair of articled law-clerks who detest green-bags and (it comes +out at one point) are collaborating on a play. (Readers of the present +reprint will note, also, that the money which Master Totty brings with him +from the country is to recompense an attorney for training him in law). +Perhaps Baker could never afford to study law as those well off did: there +may be a tinge of sour grapes in the observation in _Tunbridge-Walks_ that +"since the Lawyers are all turn'd Poets, and have taken the Garrets in +Drury Lane, none but Beaus live in the Temple now, who have sold all +their Books, burnt all their Writings, and furnish'd the Rooms with +Looking-glass and China." But this is light-hearted, as becomes a man who +has not yet had a setback as a stage-poet. Two years later, after the +stopping of _An Act at Oxford_ had put him to much trouble, he is souring +somewhat, for the poor Oxford scholar says in _Hampstead Heath_ that no +profession nowadays offers much prospect of success for a man trained +as he, and, as for poetry, one can only expect to be "two years writing +a Play, and sollicit three more to get it acted; and for present +Sustenance one's forc'd to scribble _The Diverting Post, A Dialogue +between Charing-Cross and Bow Steeple_, and Elegies upon People that are +hang'd." + +When in December 1708 _The Fine Lady's Airs_ gained only a moderate +success Baker must have thought of a living in the Church as a _pis +aller_, for he enrolled at Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge, March 8, +1709, and took an M.A. there the same year. In a final attempt to succeed +with his pen he seems to have tried periodical journalism in the guise of +"Mrs. Crackenthorpe" in _The Female Tatler. The British Apollo_, at least, +pinned this on him. "The author poses as a woman," it says, in effect, +"and some may thus be taken in," + + But others will swear that this wise Undertaker + By Trade's an At--ney, by Name is a B--r, + Who rambles about with a Female Disguise on + And lives upon Scandal, as Toads do on Poyson.[9] + +Perhaps it was this which, taken quite literally, produced the _Biographia +Dramatica's_ canard as to Baker's effeminacy (see above). + +After grinding out a greater or less amount of this hack-work,[10] Baker +gave up trying to write. His disappearance from the scene thereafter is +accounted for by his appointment (1711) to a living in Bedfordshire, where +he was Rector of Bolnhurst till his death, and (1716-31) Vicar of +Ravensden. As the Bolnhurst school was founded upon a bequest from him in +1749,[11] he presumably died in that year--but not, I should guess, of +_morbus pediculosus_. + +_John Harrington Smith +University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +NOTES TO INTRODUCTION + +[Footnote 1: The other was William Burnaby. His plays have been given a +modern editing by F.E. Budd (Scholartis Press, 1931).] + +[Footnote 2: Nicoll, _Early Eighteenth Century Drama_, Handlist of Plays. +For all subsequent statements as to dates of production I follow this +source.] + +[Footnote 3: It was still too lively, however, to be acted outside London. +The Harvard Theatre Collection has a copy once owned by Joe Haines with +"cuts" designed to soften it for playing in the provinces. Such lines as, +"The Godly never go to Taverns, but get drunk every Night at one another's +Houses," "Citizens are as fond of their Wives, as their Wives are of other +People," and "Virtue's an Impossibility ... every Citizen's Wife pretends +to't," are carefully expunged.] + +[Footnote 4: E.g., Bloom to Mrs. Driver, "One moment into that Closet, if +it be but to read the Practice of Piety" becomes "One Moment into that +Closet, Dear, dear Creature; they say it's mighty prettily furnish'd," And +in her aside, "I vow, I've a good mind; but Virtue--the Devil, I ne're was +so put to't i' my Life," for the words "the Devil" are substituted the +words "and Reputation."] + +[Footnote 5: No. 50, Sept. 14; No. 61, Oct. 26.] + +[Footnote 6: According to the impression I have of this "morbus" it was a +skin-ailment particularly appropriated to beggars, who might contract it +upon long exposure to filth and louse-bites. Even then, though there would +doubtless be a certain amount "of discomfort about it, it would scarcely +prove fatal.] + +[Footnote 7: This and subsequent vital statistics as to Baker's university +and clerical career are from the account of him in J. and J.A. Venn, +_Alumni Cantabrigienses_, 1922 _et sq_.] + +[Footnote 8: _British Apollo_, No. 49, Sept. 14, 1709.] + +[Footnote 9: _Ibid._] + +[Footnote 10: Both Paul Bunyan Anderson, "The history and authorship of +Mrs. Crackenthorpe's _Female Tatler_," _MP_, XXVIII (1931), 354-60, and +Walter Graham, "Thomas Baker, Mrs. Manley, and _The Female Tatler_," _MP_, +XXXIV (1937), 267-72, think that some, at least, of the _F.T._ is from +Baker's pen, but they disagree as to what part and how much. I am +considering the matter and may have an opinion to express in future.] + +[Footnote 11: _Victoria History of Bedfordshire_, II, 181 n.; III, 128.] + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. +A +COMEDY. + + +As it is Acted at the +THEATRE-ROYAL IN _DRURY-LANE._ + +Written by the Author of the _Yeoman of Kent_. + + +_LONDON_: + +Printed for BERNARD LINTOTT at the _Cross-Keys_, between +the Two _Temple_ Gates in _Fleetstreet_. + +Price 1_s._ 6_d_. + + + + +TO + +Sir _ANDREW FONTAINE_ + + +To Address a Man of your Character, gives me greater Concern than to +finish the most Elaborate Play, and support the various Conflicts which +naturally attend ev'ry Author; how the Town in general will receive it. + +To harangue some of the First Quality, whose Titles are the greatest +Illustration we can give 'em, is a sort of Common-Place Oratory; which +Poets may easily vary in copying from one another; but, when I'm speaking +to the most finish'd young Gentleman any Age has produced, whose +distinguish'd Merits exact the nicest Relation, I feel my inability, and +want a Genius barely to touch on those extraordinary Accomplishments, +which You so early, and with so much ease, have made Your self perfect +Master of. + +But, when I reflect on the Affability of Your Temper, the generous and +obliging Reception, You always gave me, and the ingaging Sweetness of Your +Conversation, I'm the more incourag'd to pay my Duty to You in this +Nature, fully persuading my self, You'll lay aside the Critick, by +considering, in how many Respects, Your condescending Goodness has shown +You are my Friend. + +The vast stock of Learning You acquir'd in Your Non-age, has manifested to +the World, that a Scholar, and a fine Gentleman are not Inconsistent, and +rendered You so matchless an Ornament to the University of _Oxford_, +particularly to _Christ-Church-_College, where You imbib'd it. + +'Tis a Misfortune that attends many of our _English_ Gentlemen to set out +for Travel without any Foundation; and wanting a Tast of Letters, and the +Knowledge of their own Country, the Observations they make Abroad, to +reflect no further, are generally useless and impertinent. + +But You so plentifully were furnish'd with all this Kingdom afforded, that +Foreign Languages became Natural to You, and the unparallell'd Perfections +You accumulated Abroad, particularly Your most Judicious and Critical +Collection of Antiquities, made You so eminently Conspicuous, and justly +Admir'd at the Great Court of _Hannover_, and since Your Return, have so +cordially recommended You to the good Graces of the most Discerning +Nobleman in the Kingdom. + +Amongst other Degrees of Knowledge, I have heard You express some value +for Poetry; which, cou'd one imitate Your right Tast of those less +profitable Sciences, who permit it but at some Seasons, as a familiar +Companion to relieve more serious Thoughts, and prevent an Anxiety, which, +the constant Application, You have always been inclin'd to give harder +Studies, might probably draw on You, is an Amusement worthy the greatest +Head-piece. But 'tis so deluding a Genius, Dramatick Poetry especially, +that many are insensibly drawn into to it, 'till it becomes a Business. To +avoid that Misfortune, I'm now almost fix'd to throw it intirely by, and +wou'd fain aim at something which may prove more serviceable to the +Publick, and beneficial to my self. + +Cou'd I have the Vanity to hope your Approbation of this _Comedy_, 'twou'd +be so current a Stamp to it, that none, who have the Honour to know You, +wou'd pretend to dispute it's Merit; but tho' I'm satisfy'd in Your good +Nature, I must be aw'd with Your Judgment; and am sensible there are +Errors in it infinitely more obvious to Your Eye, than a greater Part of +the Polite World; however, as it had the Fortune to be well receiv'd, and +by some of the best Judges esteem'd much preferable to any of my former, +and as it was highly favour'd the Third Night with as beautiful an +Appearance of Nobility, and other fine Ladies, as ever yet Grac'd a +Theatre. I hope, you'll in some measure Protect it, at least that you'll +pardon this Presumption, since I have long pleas'd my self with the Hopes, +and impatiently waited an Opportunity of publickly declaring how much I +am, + +_SIR_, + +_Your most Devoted, +and Obedient humble Servant_, + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +Written by Mr. MOTTEUX. + + +_So long the solitary Stage has mourn'd, +Sure now you're pleas'd to find our Sports return'd. +When Warriors come triumphant, all will smile, +And Love wirh Conquest crown the Toyls of_ Lille. +_Tho from the Field of Glory you're no Starters, +Few love all Fighting, and no Winter-Quarters. +Chagrin French Generals cry_, Gens temerare +_Dare to take_ Lille! _We only take the Air. +No, bravely, with the Pow'rs of_ Spain _and_ France, +_We will--Entrench; and stand--at a distance: +We'll starve 'em--if they please not to advance. +Long thus, in vain, were the Allies defy'd, +But 'twas ver cold by that damn'd River Side. +So as they came too late, and we were stronger, +Scorn the Poltrons, we cry'd-- +March off;_ morbleu, _we'll stay for 'em no longer; +The little Monsieurs their Disgrace may own, +Now ev'n the Grand ones makes their Scandal known. + +Mean while, without you half our Season's wasted. +Before 'tis_ Lent _sufficiently we've fasted. +No matter how our Op'ra Folks did fare, +Too full a Stomach do's the Voice impair._ +Nay, you your selves lost by't; for saunt'ring hither +You're safe from all but Love, four Hours together. +Some idle Sparks with dear damnd Stuff, call'd Wine, +Got drunk by Eight, and perhaps sows'd by Nine, +O'er Politicks and Smoke some rail'd some writ, +The Wiser yawn'd, or nodded o'er their Wit. +O'er Scandal, Tea, Cards, or dull am'rous Papers, +The Ladies had the Spleen, the Beaux the Vapors. +Some went among the Saints without Devotion; +Nay more, 'tis fear'd went thro' a wicked Motion. +But the kind Female Traders well may boast, +When we're shut up, their Doors are open'd most. + +I dare engage, they, by the Vint'ners back'd, +Wou'd raise a Fund, so they alone might act. +With them 'tis ne'er Vacation, tho' we lose, +The Courts shut up, they Chamber Practice use. + +Since therefore without Plays, tho' call'd a Curse, +The Good grow bad, the Bad grow worse and worse, +Show misled Zeal what Ills infest the Age, +And truly to reform, support the_ British _Stage_. + + + + Dramatis Personæ. + +MEN. + +Sir _Harry Sprightly_. Mr._Mills_. + +Brigadier _Blenheim_, just return'd from the Army. Mr._Wilks_ + +Mr. _Nicknack_, a Beau-Merchant. Mr._Cibber_. + +_Major Bramble_, a factious old Fellow. Mr._Johnson._ + +Master _Totty_, a great Boy. Mr._Bullock_. + +_Knapsack_, an Attendant on the _Collonel_. Mr._Pinkethman_. + +_Shrimp_, Sir Harry's Valet. Mr._Norris_. + + +WOMEN. + +Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Oldfield_. + +Lady _Toss-up_. Mrs._Porter_. + +Mrs. _Lovejoy_, Cousin to Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Bradshaw_. + +Mrs. _Flimsy_, Lady _Toss-up's_ Woman. Mrs._Saunders_. + +_Orange-Woman._ Mr. _Pack_. + +_Mercer, Manto-Maker, Sempstress, Toyman, India-Woman,_ +and other Attendants. + + +SCENE LONDON. + +In the Month of _December_. + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. + + + + +ACT I. SCENE I. + + + _Sir_ Harry _discover'd dressing; and_ Shrimp _attending_. + +Sir _Har_. Where had you been last Night, you drunken Dog, that you +cou'dn't take care of me when I was drunk. + +_Shr_. I happen'd, Sir, to meet with some very honest Gentlemen, that have +the Honour to wait upon other Gentlemen, where Wit and Humour brighten'd +to that degree, we pass'd about the Glass, 'till we lost our Senses. + +Sir _Har_. Wit, you Rascal! Have you Scoundrels the impudence to suppose +your selves reasonable Creatures? + +_Shr_. Sir, we are as much below Learning, indeed, as our Masters are +above it; but why mayn't a Servant have as good natural Parts? + +Sir _Har_. Mend your Manners, Sirrah; or you shall serve the Queen. + +_Shr_. Ev'ry Man ought to mend his Manners, Sir, that pretends to a Place +at Court; but the Queen's mightily oblig'd to some People.--Has a +Gentleman an impudent rakish Footman, not meaning my self, Sir, that wears +his Linen, fingers his Money, and lies with his Mistress;--You Dog, you +shall serve the Queen.--Has a Tradesman a Fop Prentice, that airs out his +Horses, and heats his Wife, or an old Puritan a graceless Son, that runs +to the Play-House instead of the Meeting, they are threathen'd with the +Queen's Service; so that Her Majesty's good Subjects, drink her Health, +wish success to her Arms, and send her all the Scoundrels i'the Nation. + +Sir _Har_. Fellows that han't sense to value a Civil Employment are +necessary to front an Army, whose thick Sculls may repulse the first Fury +of the Enemy's Cannon Bullets. + +_Shr_. I hope, then, the _English_ are so wise to let the _Dutch_ march +foremost.--But why, Sir, shou'd you Gentlemen ingross all the Pleasures +o'Life, and not allow us poor Dogs to imitate you in our own Sphere;--You +wear lac'd Coats; We lac'd Liv'ries;--You play at Picquet; We at +All-Fours;--You get drunk with Burgundy; We with Geneva;--You pinck Holes +with your Swords; We crack Sculls with our Sticks;--You are Gentlemen; We +are hang'd. + +Sir _Har_. A fine Relation; but, methinks, the latter Part of it might +deter you from such Courses. + +_Shr_. I'm a Predestinarian, Sir; which is an Argument of a great Soul, +and will no more baulk a drunken Frolick, than I would a pretty Lady that +takes a Fancy to me. + +Sir _Har_. No more of your Impertinence; attend, I hear Company (Shrimp +_goes to the Door_) Brigadier _Blenheim_ return'd from the Army! + + _Enter_ Collonel, _and_ Knapsack. + +Sir _Har_. My noblest, dearest Collonel, let me imbrace you as a +_Britain_, and as a Friend. _Ajax_ ne'er boasted _English_ Valour; +_Ulysses_ ne'er such Conduct; nor _Alexander_ such Successes. The Queen +rejoices; the Parliament vote you Thanks; and ev'ry honest Loyal Heart +bounds at our General's Name. + +_Col_. Ay, Sir _Harry_, to be thus receiv'd, rewards the Soldier's Toils; +and, faith, we have maul'd the fancy _French-men,_ near Twenty Thousand we +left fast asleep, taught the remaining few a new Minuet-step, and sent 'em +home to sing _Te Deum_. + +_Knap_. Ay, Sir, and if they are not satisfied, next Campaign the +_English_ shall stand still, and laugh at their Endeavours; the _Dutch_ +Snigger-snee 'em; the _Scotch_ Cook them; and the wild _Irish_ eat 'em. + +_Col_. Oh! The glorious Din of War; the Energy of a good Cause, and the +Emulation of a brave Confederacy.--To sound the Charge; Make a vigorous +Attack, the Enemy gives ground,--To pour on fresh Vollies of a sure +Destruction, and return deafn'd with shouts o' Victory, and adorn'd with +glitt'ring Standards of the vanquish'd Foe. + +_Knap_. To hang up in _Westminster-Hall_, and make the Lawyers stare off +their Briefs;--But the Harmony of sounding a Retreat,--to hug my self with +two Arms, and walk substantially upon both my Pedestals, or the health of +Mind in lying sick at _Amsterdam_. + +_Col_. Ay, here's a sorry Rascal, that lags always behind, and is afraid +to look Death i'the Face. + +_Knap_. Why, really, Sir, 'tisn't manners to march before the _Colonel_; +and upon a warm Engagement, I have heard you talk musically of good +Conduct. Besides, that Mr._ Death_ is but a Hatchet-face Beau, so lean, +and wither'd like an old Dutchess, or a Doctor o' Physick, I had as live +see the Devil. + +Sir _Har_. But when the Lines are forc'd, the Enemy slain, and the Placs +loaded with rich Plunder.-- + +_Knap_. None so nimble, none so valiant, none so expert as your very +humble Servant _Nehemiah Knapsack_. + +_Col_. But, who are the raigning Beauties o'the Age? What Favours will +they grant a Soldier after a hard Campaign, fatiguing Marches, desp'rate +Attempts, and narrow Escapes, to preserve them from Rapine, Violence, and +Slav'ry, that they may laugh away the Day in gay Diversions, and pass the +silent Night in silver Slumbers on their Downy Beds? + +Sir _Har_. Just as many Favours as you have Money or _Mechlin_ Lace to +purchase: Women apprehend not the Danger of War, and therefore have no +Notion of Gratitude. + +_Coll_. Oh! The thoughts of scatt'ring small Shot among the sparkling +Tribe, to feast my Senses upon dear Variety, have ev'ry Day a new dazling +Beauty, and ev'ry Hour to taste the Joys of Love. + +Sir _Har_. Don't fancy, _Collonel_, because you have beat the _French_ you +must conquer all the Ladies; there are Women that dare resist you boldly, +will exact your Courage beyond attacking a Fortress, and maintain a hotter +Engagement. + +_Col._ If you mean Women of the Town, some of 'em wou'd give a Man a warm +Reception--Yet I long to be traversing the _Park_, ogling at the Play, +peeping up at Windows, and ferreting the Warren o' _Covent-Garden_, till I +seize on some skittish dapper Doxie, whose pretty black Eyes, dimpling +Cheeks, heaving Breasts, and soft Caresses, wou'd melt a Man--for half a +Guinea. + +_Knap_. How I long too, to wheedle in with some Buxom Widow, that keeps a +Victualling-House, to provide me with Meat, Drink, Washing and Lodging--to +find out some delicious Chamber-Maid, that will pawn her best Mohair-Gown, +sell even her Silver-Thimble, and rob her Mistress to shew how truly she +loves me; or intrigue with some Heroick Sempstress, that will call me her +_Artaxerxes_, her _Agamemnon_, and give me six new Shirts. + +Sir _Har_. And now the tedious Summer is elaps'd, and Winter ushers in +neglected Joys; Armies march home victorious from the Field, Ladies from +Parks and Plains that mourn'd their absence; a Croud of Pleasures glut the +varying Appetite, and Friends long absent meet with gayest Transports. + +_Col_. Ay, Winter is the gay, the happy Season: I hate a Solitary Rural +Life, as if one were at variance with the World; to walk with Arms +a-cross, admire Nature's Works in Woods and Groves, talk to the Streams, +and tell the Trees our Passion, while Eccho's make a Mock at all we say-- +Give me the shining Town, the glittering Theatres; there Nature best is +seen in Beauteous Boxes, where Beaus transported with the Heavenly Sight, +the little God sits pleas'd in ev'ry Eye, and Actors dart new Vigour from +the Stage, supported By the Spirit of full Pay--But what great Fortunes +buz about the Town; Red-Coats have carry'd off good store of Heiresses, +and that's the sure, tho' not the sweetest Game; besides, Sir _Harry_, +they talk of Peace, and we that have nothing but the Sword to trust to, +ought to provide against that dreadful Day. + +_Knap_. Really, Sir, I have had some Thoughts of Marriage too; there's +nothing like being settl'd, to have a House of one's own, and Attendants +about one; besides, I'm the last Male, of a very ancient Family, and +shou'd I die without Children, the _Knap-sacks_ wou'd be quite extinct. + +Sir _Har._ The Talk, the Pride, and Envy of the Town is Lady _Rodomont_, +whose Wit surprizes, whose Beauty ravishes, and a clear Estate of Six +thousand a Year distracts the admiring Train; but the Misfortune is, she +has Travell'd, had Experience, well vers'd in Gallantries of various +Courts; she admits Coquets, and rallies each Pretender, so resolutely fond +of Liberty, she slights the most accomplish'd of Mankind, there _Collonel_ +is a Siege to prove a _Roman_ or a _Grecian_ Bravery. + +_Col._ A _Roman_ or a _Grecian_, say you, bold _Britains_ laugh at all +their baubling Fights; and had _Achilles_, with his batt'ring Rams, felt +half the Fury of an _English_ General, _Troy_ had ne'er bully'd out a Ten +Years Siege--but Ladies are more craftily subdu'd; you mustn't storm a +Nymph with Sword and Pistol, pursue her as you wou'd a tatter'd +_Frenchman_, push her Attendants into the _Danube_, then seize her, and +clap her into a Coach--I'll baffle her at her own Argument, swear I'd not +wed a _Phoenix_ of her Sex, and laugh at Dress and Beauty, Wit and +Fortune, when purchas'd only at the Price of Liberty--then sweeten her +again with ogling Smiles, look Babies in her Eyes, and vow she's handsome; +and when she thinks each artful Glance has caught me, that now's the time +to Conquer, and to Laugh, and with malicious Cunning mentions Marriage, +I'll start, and change, and beg her not to name it, for 'tis a Thought +that rouses Madness in me, 'till out of Spight and Spleen, and Woman's +Curiosity, the Knot's abruptly ty'd, to prove my feign'd Resolves, and +boast her Power. + +Sir _Har._ Tis well design'd, and may the Soldier animate the Lover: For +my part, I'm so devoted to my Pleasures, and so strangely bigotted to a +single Life, I have sold an Estate of Two thousand a Year, to buy an +Annuity of Four: I love to Rake and Rattle thro' the Town, and each +Amusement, as it happens, pleases. The Ladies call me Mad Sir _Harry_, a +Careless, Affable, Obliging Fellow, whom, when they want, they send for. I +wear good Cloaths to 'Squire'em up and down; have Wit enough to Chat, and +make'em Giggle, and Sense enough to keep their Favours secret--But from +Romantick Love, Good Heav'n defend me. A Moment's Joy's not worth an Age's +Courtship; and when the Nymph's Demure, and Dull and Shy, and Foolish and +Freakish, and Fickle, there are Billiards at the _Smyrna_, Bowles at +_Marybone_, and Dice at the _Groom-Porter_'s--Are you for the Noon-Park. + +_Col._ With all my Heart. + +Sir _Har._ There the _Beau-Monde_ appear in all their Splendour--Here, +_Shrimp_, [_Enters._] entertain the _Collonel_'s Servant--An Hour hence +you'll hear of us at _White_'s. [_Exeunt._ + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_, are you for a Dish of _Bohee_: My Master has been +just drinking, and the Water boils-- +[_Goes out, and returns with a Tea-Table._ + +_Knap._ Not to incommode you about it, Mr. _Shrimp_. + +_Shr._ Well, Mr. _Knapsack_, we brave _Britains_ conquer all before us: +Why you have done Wonders this Campaign. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, the Name of an _English_ General Thunder-strikes +the _French_, as much as it invigorates the Allies; for when he comes, he +cuts you off Ten or Twenty thousand, with the same Ease as a Countryman +wou'd mow down an Acre of Corn; tho', after all, I was in some pain for +our Forces, not being able to do 'em any personal Service; for you must +know, Mr. _Shrimp_, I am mightily subject to Convulsions, and just before +ev'ry Engagement I was unluckily seiz'd with so violent a Fit, they were +forc'd to carry me back to the next wall'd Town. + +_Shr._ Are you for much Sugar in your Tea, Sir? + +_Knap._ As much as you please, Sir. + +_Shr._ Have you made many Campaigns, Mr. _Knapsack_? + +_Knap._ This was the first, Mr. _Shrimp_, and I'm not positive that I +shall ever make another; for next Summer, I believe, some Business of +moment will confine me to this Kingdom--Pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, why don't you +exert your self in the Service; the Gentlemen of the Army wou'd be glad of +so sprightly an Officer as you among 'em. + +_Shr._ O dear, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm of so unfortunate a Stature, they'd +trample me under their Feet; besides, I have no Genius to Fighting; I +cou'd like a Commission in a Beau-Regiment, that always stays at home, +because a Scarlet-Lac'd-Suit, a Sash and Feather command Respect, keep off +Creditors, and make the Ladies fly into our Arms. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, I don't doubt but you have good store +of Mistresses. Why you look a little thin upon the matter, ha! + +_Shr._ No, no, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm as moderate at that Sport, as any Man; +I must own, when a pretty Lady comes betimes in a Morning to my Master, +and he, poor Gentleman, is in a dead Sleep with hard Drinking, I do now +and then take her into the next Room, play the Fool with her a little till +my Master wakes, then give her a Dram of Surfeit-Water, and put her to Bed +to him, now there's Safety in such an Amour, for my Master hasn't his +Mistresses from a profess'd Baud; I have found him out a conscientious old +Gentlewoman, that's one of the sober Party, and acquainted with most +Citizens Daughters, that have as much Inclination to turn Whores as a +Chamber-Maid out of Place, and the old Lady is so passionately fond of my +Master, because he was once so charitable to do her the Favour, she sends +him the choicest of all her Ware--but to pick up a dirty Drab in the +Eighteen-penny-Gallery, with a rusty black Top-knot, a little Flower in +her Hair, a turn'd Smock, and no Stockings, the Jade wou'd poyson you like +Eighteen-penny-Wine. + +_Knap._ I find, Mr. _Shrimp_, you Gentlemens Gentlemen have all your Cues. + +_Shr._ Ah! Mr. _Knapsack_, there's more goes to the finishing of a true +Valet, than tying a Wig smartly, or answering a Dun genteely. I have +sometimes such weighty Matters warring in my Brains, and a greater +Conflict with my self how I shall manage 'em, than a Merchant's +Cash-keeper, that's run away with two thousand Pounds, and can't resolve +whether he shall trust the Government with it, or put it into the _East +India_ Company--I only wish it were my Fate to serve some Statesman in +Business; for Pimping often tosses a Man into a Place of three hundred a +Year, when Mony shall be refus'd, Merit repuls'd, and Relations thought +impudent for pretending to't.--But, I believe, Mr. _Knapsack_, our Hour's +elaps'd, for tho' our Masters may n't want us, we that are at Board-wages +love to smell out where they dine. + +_Knap._ The Motion, Mr. _Shrimp_, is admirable, for really the Tea begins +to rake my Guts confoundedly. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomont's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy, _follow'd by a Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, the Mercer, the Manto-Maker, the Sempstress, the +India-Woman, and the Toy-Man attend your Ladiship without. + +L. _Rod._ Admit 'em,--this Grandeur, Cozen, which those o' Quality assume +above the Populace, to have obsequious Mechanicks wait our Levee in a +Morning, is not disagreeable; then they are as constant as our Menials, +and the less Mony one pays 'em, the more constantly they attend. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Those Ladies, Madam, that want Mony to pay 'em, wou'd gladly +excuse their Attendance. + +L. _Rod._ Cozen, 'tis Ill-breeding to suppose People o' Quality want Mony, +they have Business, Visits, Company, and very often are not in a Humour to +part with it; when we have Mony, we are easie, whether we pay it or no; +and 'tis affronting the Nobility, not to observe their Decorums. + + _The Trades-People Enter._ + +[_To the Mercer._] Mr. _Farendine_, this Silk has so glaring a Mixture of +preposterous Colours, I shall be taken for a North Country Bride; and so +very substantial, I believe you design'd it for my Heirs and Successours. + +_Mer._ Madam, 'tis a very well wrought Silk. + +L. _Rod._ So well wrought, it may serve one in a Family for twenty +Generations.--Have you sold any Wedding Suits lately? + +_Mer._ Yes, Madam, I sold a yellow and white Damask, lin'd with a Cherry +and blew Sattin, and a Goslin green Petticoat to Mrs. _Winifred Widgeon_ +i'the Peak, that marry'd Squire _Hog_ o' _Darby_,--'twas her Grandmother +_Trott_'s Fancy. + +L. _Rod._ Nay, those old Governants, that were Dames of Honour to Queen +_Bess_, make their Daughters appear as monstrous in this Age, as they +themselves did in that.--Well, Mr. _Farendine_, when you have any thing +slight and pretty, let me see it. [_To the Manto-Maker_] Mrs. _Flounce_, +this Sleeve is most abominably cut. + +_Mant. Mak._ Madam, 'tis exacly the Shape of my Lady _Snipe's_, and she s +allow'd to be the Pink o'the Mode. + +L. _Rod._ My Lady _Snipe_, who ever heard of her? + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Madam, that's the over-dress'd Lady in _Fuller's Rents_, +the first in _England_, that wore Flow'rs in her Hair; She has 5000_l._ +indeed, but they say 'tis in bad Hands, and the Town has neglected her +these ten Years. + +L. _Rod._ And wou'd you have me appear like a Turn-stile Creature? why +d'you work for such Trumpery? have you not Business enough from Court. + +_Mant. Mak._ Truly, Madam, I'm glad to accept of a Gown from any Body; for +the Ladies, now-a-days, are grown so saving, they make all their +Petticoats themselves. + +L. _Rod._ Don't you work into the City too? + +_Mant. Mak._ Yes, Madam, I have eleven Gowns to finish against Sunday, for +very good Customers, and very religious People. + +L. _Rod._ Religious People! This Creature is so employ'd by the +_Canaille_, I shall have my Cloths cut to pieces, dear Cozen, let _Buda_ +make me a Suit with Expedition, I'll present this to the Play-House. + +_Semp._ Does your Ladyship like your Head, Madam? + +L. _Rod._ The Lace, Mrs. _Taffety_, is so course and so heavy, I'm ready +to sink beneath the weight of it. + +_Semp._ Madam, 'tis right _Mechlin_, cost me Six Guineas a Yard, and I +bought it too of a Merchant, that has smuggl'd many a hundred Pounds +worth. + +L. _Rod._ There you please me, English People are extremely fond of what's +forbid, we commonly obey our Parents, and the Government much a-like; and +tho' the State prohibits _Flanders_ Lace, French Alamodes, and India +Sattins, we have 'em all by the way of _Holland_.--These Ruffles too are +so furiously starch'd, I shall throw People down as I move along. + +_Semp._ The Ladies, Madam, love a stiff Ruffle, for shou'd the Wind blow +it aside, your Ladyship's Elbow might catch cold, but I'll slacken my Hand +i'the next.--Does your Ladyship want a very fine short Apron? + +L. _Rod._ Women o' Quality, Mrs. _Taffety_ have left 'em off, and those +Ladies that do wear 'em, generally make 'em of their old Top-knots +[_to the India Woman_] Mrs. _Japan_, you are a Stranger here, I hav'n't +seen you since I paid off your last Bill, + +_Ind. Wom._ Oh, Madam! I have been at Death's Door, the Hypocondriacks +have so prey'd upon my Spirits, they have destroy'd my Constitution, such +Rotations i'my Head, such an Oppression at my Stomach--but I ha' brought +you a Pound of Bohee, so purifying, 'twill give your Ladyship a new Mass +of Blood in a Quarter of an Hour. + +L. _Rod._ Mrs. _Chince_ has much better. + +_Ind. Wom._ Then will I eat Mrs. _Chince_.--Shall I show you some fine +India Pictures? + +L. _Rod._ I hate those Shadows o' Men half finish'd. + +_Ind Wom._ I must own the Substance of a Man well finish'd is much +better,--but here's a Set o'_Japan_ Cups will ravish your Ladyship, a +Tradesman's Wife long'd, and miscarry'd about 'em. + +L. _Rod._ I'm overstock'd with _China_, and they say 'tis grown so common. +I intend to sacrifice mine to my Monkey. + +_Ind. Wom._ Nay, pray, my Lady, buy somewhat of me, you know I'm in great +Tribulation, I trusted a couple of Trollops, that were turn'd out of the +Play-House, for having too much Assurance for the Stage, and set up a +little Shop in _Spring Garden_; and the bold Jades are gone a stroling +Fifty Pounds in my Debt. Besides, I have just now a lazy Trull of a +Daughter, that run away with a Foot Soldier, return'd big with the Lord +knows what, and that's no small Charge to me, that am forc'd to pad it +about for a Livelihood. + +L. _Rod._ Well, you may leave a Pound of Powder. + +_Ind. Wom._ [_Aside._] A Pound of Powder, pox o'your Generosity, these +great Ladies are grown as stingy as if they paid one ready Mony, were it +not for a City-bubble now and then, I might e'en go dance with the Dogs in +_May-Fair_. + +L. _Rod._ [_To the Toy-Man._] Mr. _Gimcrack_, what new Fancies have you +brought this Morning? + +_Toy-M._ A Pair of nice _Genoa_ Gloves for your Ladyship, curiously made +up in a gilt Wallnut Shell. + +L. _Rod_ A Wallnut Shell! they can't be large enough. + +_Toy-M._ Madam, I sold six Pair to my Lady _Strammell_, and her Arm's nine +Inches Diameter. + +L. _Rod._ What else have you? + +_Toy-M._ A choice Comb for your Eye-brows, Madam, an acute Pair o' +Pinchers for your Hair, and a most ingenious French Knife to slice the +Powder of your Ladyship's Forehead, with Tongs, Shovels, Grates, and +Fenders for your Ladyship's Tea-Table. + +L. _Rod._ Well, carry the things in, let your Bills be deliver'd to the +Steward, and I'll order some part of your Mony. + +_All._ We humbly thank your Ladyship. [_Exeunt._ + +L. _Rod._ Now, Cozen, we have dispatch'd these necessary Animals; pray, +tell me how the Town relishes my Appearance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Your Ladyship's inimitable Graces, and our vast Successes +abroad are the Topicks that furnish all Conversation; one Lady cries at +the gilt Chariot, another swoons at the prancing Horses; and my old Lady +_Lack-it_, swears you have so handsom a Set of Foot-men, the dreams of +nothing else; then your Ladyship's Furniture is most surprizing, ev'ry +thing was so admir'd, and handl'd last Visiting-day, the Ladies left +little of it behind 'em. + +L. _Rod. Bagatelle_! Ladies steal from one another, not for the Value of +the thing, but to make an Alteration in their Closets.--But what do the +Malitious say, am I envy'd, Cozen, I wou'd n't ha' the Fatigue of an +Estate, unless I cou'd make the World uneasie about it. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Spleen, Spleen, Madam, to the last Degree--my Lady +_Testy_ has tore fifty Fans about you, broke all her China, and beat her +Foot-man's Eye out; she says, 'tis a burning Shame, you monopolize all the +Fellows in the Town; and truly, there's a Statute against ingrossing.--My +Lady _Prudence Maxim_, cries, _A fine Estate is a fine Thing, finely +manag'd, but to overdo at first, to undo at last_. And Mrs. _Indigo_, the +Merchant's Wife, says, _If you knew the getting on't, you wou'd n't spend +it so fast_. + +L. _Rod._ I have six thousand a Year, and resolve to live single, and +enjoy it; I have made the Tour of _Italy_ and _France_, have given my self +the Accomplishment of both Sexes, and design to Visit, Game, Revel, dust +the Park, haunt the Theatres, and out-flutter e'er a Fop i'the Nation; and +I know not why a Lady that has the best Estate i'the County shou'd n't +represent 'em in Parliament. + +Mrs. _Lov._ But launching out too far, Madam, may draw Reflections on your +Conduct, the English Ladies are more reserv'd than Foreigners. + +L. _Rod._ The English Ladies! Shall a Corner of _Europe_ teach me +Decorums, that have travers'd the whole. The French Ladies admire my +Gayety; the Italians are ravish'd with my Grandeur, and if the English +Ladies do blame my Conduct, who values the Censure of a little Island.-- +Oh! what Transports do I feel, to provoke the Eyes and Whispers of the +Multitude,--Whose Equipage is that--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Whose +Visiting-day is it--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Who bespoke the Play to Night-- +My Lady _Rodomont_?--But when she's once marry'd--What "Gentlewoman's that +with the great Belly--Sir _Marmaduke Mortgage_'s Wife, that's come to Town +to buy Clouts, her Husband lost his Estate at Roly-poly.--She's mighty Big +indeed, I'm afraid she'll ha' two. Unless one cou'd find out some Plant of +a Husband, with Life and no Soul; a governable, drudging Creature, that +wou'd love, honour and obey his Wife; and know so little of his own +Prerogative, as to change his Name for her. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Really, Madam, I'm o' your Opinion, I'd have Petticoat- +Government pass thro' the Nation; the Ladies shou'd possess the Estates, +and make their Husbands a Jointure. + +L. _Rod._ While a Woman o' Fortune remains unmarry'd, she's a Petty-Queen; +Lovers innumerable trace her Steps; each Coxcomb thinks to be the happy +Man, and ev'ry were her Presence makes a Court--but when her Reason's once +subdu'd by Love, and the fond, foolish Nymph resigns her Pow'r, she's but +a meer _Appendix_ to a Fellow. + + _No more her darling Liberty can boast, + Lovers no more her_ quondam _Beauties toast, + But all her Pleasure, Pride and Charms are lost._ + + +End of the First ACT. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE, _The Park._ + + + _Sir_ Harry_, and the_ Collonel. + +_Col._ Never a loose Lady tripping through the _Park_ to whet one's +Appetite this Morning? + +Sir _Har._ Fie, _Collonel_, refine your Tast;----A common Woman! I'd as +soon dine at a common Ordinary: Give me a Woman of Condition, there's +Pride as well as Pleasure in such an Amour. + +_Col._ Your Women of Condition, Pox on em, are like Noblemen's Dinners, +all Garniture and no Meat, then, the Ceremony of Approach and Retire, +palls a Man's Inclination, 'till he grows indifferent i' the Matter;-- +Wou'd you Charm me, give me a ruddy Country Wench to riffe on the Grass, +with no other resistance than,--What a Dickens, is the Man berwattl'd, you +are an impudent, bold Rogue, and I'll call my Mother: Besides, the fear of +Scandal makes your great Ladies preserve a foolish kind of Virtue, their +Principles wou'd fain get rid of. + +Sir _Har._ You are deceiv'd, _Collonel_, Women of Quality are above +Reputation.--Is it my Lady _Tipple-dram_'s Modesty, or the effect of +Ratifia, that gives her a high Colour in the Drawing-room?--Is my Lady +_Sluggard_'s Religion question'd, that has never been at Church since her +Baptism, or my Lady _Gamesom_'s Virtue suspected for admiring Collonel +_Sturdy_'s Regiment; both Sexes of Rank, now, use what Liberty they please +without censuring one another, and consequently despise the tattling of +Inferiours. + +_Col._ Ha! what pert Fellow's this, that whisks it along in a Silk-Drugget +Suit, with the empty Air of a Fop Mercer, or a Judge's Train-bearer? + +Sir _Har._ Oh! 'Tis young _Nicknack_, a Beau Merchant, his Father dy'd +lately, and left him considerably in Money, he has been bred to business, +with a Liberty of Pleasure, a little vain and affected as most young +Fellows are; but his Foppery is rather pretty and diverting than tiresome +and impertinent. For his Father obliging him still to live in the City, +and follow Business, he has turn'd Commerce into a Jest, and calls +himself, The Ladies Merchant; for he imports nothing but Squirrels, +Lap-dogs and _Guinea piggs_ to insnare the Women. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick_. Dear Sir _Harry_, I have been twice round the _Park_, in search of +you. + +Sir _Har._ Mr. _Nicknack_ pray know the _Collonel_ here; an intimate +Friend o'mine just arriv'd from _Flanders_. + +_Nick_. Sir, I kiss your Hands, I am glad to find for the Ladies sake, as +well as your own, you are not the least disabl'd I wou'd give Ten Guineas, +_Collonel_, to see an Engagement, cou'd one be secure from a Cannon +Bullet. + +_Col_. Ten Guineas to see an Engagement; wou'd you make a show of +Desolation, and have Men kill one another to divert your Spleen? What +shou'd any one do i'the Field, that's afraid of a Cannon Bullet? + +_Nic_. 'Tis not impossible, Sir, in a whole Army, to find a Person as +little dispos'd to swallow a Cannon Bullet as my self; but I shou'd have +this preference to him, as I wou'd avoid fighting, I wou'd ask no Pay. + +_Col_. Ha! Wit out of _Cheapside_, I'm afraid City Credit's at a very low +Ebb. + +_Nick_. Your Pardon, _Collonel_.----Sir _Harry_, have you seen Lady +_Rodomont_ this Morning? I have News for her will make her Heart caper, +as mine did at the Death of my Father. The _Bawble_ Friggat, Captain +_Gewgaw_ Commander, is just arriv'd laden with Parrots, Parrotkeits, +Monkeys, Mamosets, Leopards, Lowries, _Muscovy_-Ducks, _German_-Geese, +_Danish_-Dormice, _Portugal_-Pigs, _Hannover_-Hens, and all the Rarities +imaginable. + +Sir _Har_. You are a happy Man, Mr. _Nicknack_, that have such new ways to +ingage the Ladies; if you succeed in your Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, +from your good Fortune, all the Beaus will turn Traders, and instead of +Treats, Balls, and Serenades, we shall have Post Nights, Polices of +Insurance, Factors, Agents, and Correspondents to import Niceties for +their Mistresses. + +_Col_. [_aside_] Ridiculous;----And d'you think a Lady of her Birth and +Estate wou'd Marry a City Merchant. + +_Nick_. A City Merchant, _Collonel_,----We have Creatures, indeed, that +deal in Herrings from _Holland_, and Cod from _Newfoundland_; but there +are degrees in Merchandizing as well as other Professions. An Officer +o'the Guards is above a Captain o'the Train Bands; and, I hope, there's +difference between a Gentleman that Trades to the _Indies_, and Merchant +_Rag_ that sends old Cloaths to _Jamaica_; but why, _Collonel_, shou'd the +City be so much despis'd, that has so near an affinity to the Court; we +have sense to distinguish Men and Manners, Breeding to pay a Valiant +Prince homage, that ev'ry Year triumphs for his Country, and generosity to +entertain him, where many a hungry Courtier has been glad to sneak in for +a Dinner. + +_Col._ [_aside_] The Fellow talks Reason, i'faith;--but prithee, Mr. +_Nicknack_, what Business can a Merchant have at this end o'the Town; for +a Man that's bred up in a Counting-House to pretend to Airs and Graces, is +as monstrously ridiculous, as a Play-House Orange-Wench with a Gold Watch +by her side. + +_Nick._ Pardon me there _Collonel_; are Pleasure and Business +inconsistent, must ev'ry Citizen be a Drone, that crawls among Furr Gowns, +or a Cuckold that's preferr'd by the Common-Hall; pray tell me, what +difference is there between a Merchant of a good Education, and a +Gentleman of Two Thousand Pounds a Year, only one has Threescore Thousand +Pounds clear in his Pocket, and t'other an Estate that's mortgag'd to +Threescore People; I have a House in _Billiter-Lane_, the Air's as good as +_Pickadilly_. _Cornish_ makes my Cloaths, _Chevalier_ my Periwigs, I'm +courted ev'ry Day to subscribe for singing Opera's, and have had Fifteen +Actresses at my Levee, with their Benefit-Tickets. + +Sir _Har._ But, methinks, Mr. _Nicknack_; you that have so plentiful a +Fortune, shou'd leave off Business, and reside wholly amongst Men of +Figure and Estates. + +_Nick._ My Commerce, Sir _Harry_, is but in Impertinences without the +least prospect of Gain; for the old Gentleman, when with great Industry, +he had imported an Estate of Fifty Thousand Pounds, with greater Civility +exported himself into the next World and left me all. Besides, Merchandize +is but a sort of Gaming, and if I like it better than Hazard or Basset, +why should any Man quarrel with my Genius; but, Gentlemen, your Servant. +I must find out Lady _Rodomont_; for I have ingros'd the whole Ship's +Cargo to my self, as my Father us'd to do Raw-Silk, and design her the +first choice of ev'ry Thing. [_Exit._ + +_Col._ But what crabbed Don's this with the knavish Look of an old +plodding Conveyancer, whose Face and Profession are enough to raise the +Devil. + +Sir _Har._ 'Tis Major _Bramble_, a factious, seditious old Rogue, that's +neither Whig, nor Tory, but an Enemy to his own Country; he hates the +Government, because the Government don't like him; repines at all our +Successes; and his Bosom Friends are Minters, Owlers, Pettifoggers, +Nonjurors that won't swear to the Government, and _Irish_ Evidences that +will swear to any thing. + + _Enter_ Major Bramble. + +Heav'n guard the Court!--What cursed Plot's now hatching, that brings the +grumbling _Major_ to the _Park_? + +_Bram._ The Government, Sir _Harry_, will ne'er suspect my policy at +plotting, when I have no more sense than to trust a Wit with it; but the +Company I keep, may with wondrous ease form a Plot past your finding out. + +Sir _Har._ What, cowardly Bullies, tatter'd Gam'sters, and Fellows that +have been twice transported, poor, unhappy scoundrels that disturb the +Nation to please you rich Male-Contents, and are hang'd for their reward. + +_Bram._ Those Gentlemen, Sir _Harry_, you're pleas'd to term scoundrels, I +honour; he that takes sanctuary in the _Fleet_, has an immediate place in +my Heart; the Heroes of the _Mint_ are a formidable Body, magnanimously +sowse ev'ry Fellow in a Ditch that dares to infringe their Liberties; he +that's committed to _Newgate_ is in a fair way to Immortality;--He that +stands in the Pillory is exalted to a very high Station; the Observator is +my very good Friend; and he that writes the Review a Person of a most +incomparable Assurance. + +_Col._ But where's the Satisfaction of admiring what's Rascally? + +_Bram._ You're mistaken, Sir, Virtue's oppress'd; these are the only Men +of worth i'the Nation, and since the World's compos'd chiefly of Knaves +and Hypocrites, it behoves ev'ry honest Fellow to over-reach the World; +therefore he that runs away from his Creditors is a Man of admirable +Principles, and his Creditors are very great Rogues. + +_Col._ But why d'you hate the Government, _Major_, what harm has that done +you. + +_Bram._ Why, Sir, I was formerly in a very good Office, was turn'd out for +Bribery, and have had none giv'n me since, therefore while the Government +takes no notice of me, I'll take no notice of the Government. + +Sir _Har._ You are a Person, _Major_, the Government ought to take notice +of, I assure you--And d'you think a Man of your Character and Conversation +qualify'd for a publick Post. + +_Bram._ Certainly, Sir _Harry_, who makes a better Soldier than a +Midnight-Scourer; who proves a sharper Judge than a Serjeant that takes +Fees on both sides; or who thumps the Cushion better than he that has +thumpt all the Wives i'the Parish; therefore that am acquainted with all +you call Rogues i'the Kingdom, think my self notably qualify'd for a +_Custom-House-Officer_--but whether the Government employs us, or not, my +Companions are the happiest People i'the World; we meet ev'ry Day at a +House within the Rules of the _Fleet_, where we have fat Venison, that's +Stole out of _Windsor-Park_; _French_ Wine, that's Run i'the _Wild o' +Kent_; drink Confusion to our Arms, and talk Treason, till the Vintner +crys, _Huzza, Drawer bring in my Bottle_. And there are of our Club, Four +Broken-Officers, Six Suborning-Attorneys, a Disaffected-Cobler, Two +Highway-Men, and Eleven _Jacobite_, Outlaw'd-Parsons. + +Sir _Har._ If you are such an Enemy to your native Country, why don't you +course the World, and please your self. + +_Bram._ Thank you, Sir _Harry_, but tho' things don't go as I'd have them, +of all Countries, I like _England_ the best, for 'tis the only Kingdom in +the World that suffers Faction; where one may write Libels, affront the +Ministry, deride the Laws, and set the whole Nation together by the Ears-- +but whilst I am idle, mighty Matters are at a stand; in short, my Business +here is to make my Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, who having lately seen +_Italy_ and _France_, like a true Woman, is return'd with a most horrid +Contempt of her own Country, and may like my Principles better than the +flutt'ring Airs of you Town-Sparks--afterwards, Gentlemen, I shall be +proud of both your Companies to dine in the _Press-Yard_, in _Newgate_, +with sev'ral very ingenious Persons, that coin better than they do i'the +_Tower_. [_Exit._ + +_Col_. So, Lady _Rodomont_'s the Cry--How Divine a Creature is a Woman +that has Six thousand a Year; the Town's quite mad after her. + +Sir _Har_. And such an Estate's enough to make her mad; Women are too +sanguine for such mighty Fortune; Ten thousand Pounds touches a Lady's +Brain, but when they prove great Heiresses, they're-- + +_Col_. Oh! stark Staring, Raving! and we ought to have the Custody of em. + +Sir _Har_. Let's move towards the Court, _Collonel_, where we shall meet +her sailing down the _Mall_, and the Fops after her, with all the Pride of +a First-Rate Man of War, that's convoying a few petty Merchant-Ships to +the _West-Indies_. + +_Enter_ Shrimp _with a Letter_. + +Sir _Har_. [reads.] _By the next return of the Waggon you will receive +Master_ Totty, _who was nineteen Years last Grass, with a Box of +_Shrewsbury-Cakes, _and a Simnel: His Grand-Mother desires you will put +him Clerk to some honest Attorney, if it be possible to find one, and the +Child be fit for it, or to what else the Child shall be fit for; but if +you find him fit for nothing, that you'll return him with great Care to +his Grand-Mother again. He is free from ev'ry Vice, having always lain +with his Grand-Mother, gone no where but to visit old Ladies with his +Grand-Mother, and has never been out of his Grand-Mother's sight, since he +was six Weeks old_--What a Pox do the Women send me their Fool to educate, +they may as well send me their Heads to dress; but I shall leave him to my +Servant; a Town Valet's Tutor and Companion good enough for a Country +'Squire--_Shrimp_, go to the _Saracen's-Head-Inn_, enquire for Master +_Totty_, a Man-Child, of nineteen Years of Age, and carry him to my +Lodgings. [_Exeunt_. + + _Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy. + +La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an Assurance like my Lady +_Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self. + +_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many +more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of +_Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious. + +La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well +declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love; +besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I +take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chastity, she +might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World +shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in +_Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid +she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think. + +_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers; +I'd arrest her for 'em. + +La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_ +too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they +both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed +City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing. + +_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her +self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for +thinking so. Pray Madam affront her. + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry, + _Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops + and Footmen_. + +La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are +very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch +just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you +think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show +greater Veneration and Respect. + +Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture, +Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun, +Whom none directly looks at, +But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down, +They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer. + +La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of +the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a +modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we shift our selves before our +Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an +_English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to +_England_; you have distinguish'd your self nobly this Campaign; I hear at +_Audenard_ you acted Wonders. + +_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field, +The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay, +And lengthen out a War to raise Estates; +But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us, +And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour, +We march with Pride, and unresisted Force, +To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress. + +La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly +well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most +of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your +Manners. + +_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _DegaugĂ©e_-- +we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year. + +La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so +phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and +fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of Balls and Operas on a _Sunday_. + +Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties, +That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions, +One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound; +The _Major_ here, I think opposes both. + +_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts +of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and +Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at +_Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras, +I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad, +Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience, +who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful +Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch. + +La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious +Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for +your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily. + +_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the +Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the +Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman +higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a +_Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable +Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry. + +La. _Rod._ Savage Creature! + +_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born +in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_. + +_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Essex_; a _Wolf's_ a +nobler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred, +so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species +of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a +High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and +possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a +Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast, +and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam, +you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable, +as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a +great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think +my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person +as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._ + +_All._ Ha, ha, ha. + +La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River, +I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet? + +_Nick._ Your Ladyship is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you +please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for +nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy; +and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a +Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get God-fathers. + +La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you. + +_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my +Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my +Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and +Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound. + +La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our Sex; but I wonder, Mr. +_Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky +Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_. + +_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_, +where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to +a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own, +_Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the +Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants +don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have +little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty +Sempstresses. + +Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there. + +_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to +show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to +Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a +thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest +Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being +ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant +absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor +Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Saturday's_ Club at _Black-heath_ +Bowling-Green. + +L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and +_Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an +impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a +hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em. + +_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_? + +_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to +deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery +that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may +after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the +Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to +import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their +Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country +Countesses. + +L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her, +but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_, +give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd +at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately +gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love +to mortify these Creatures. + +L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your +Ladyship's +Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller. + +L. _Rod_. By your Ladyship's Appearance, I find you're a very great +Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country. + +L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it +only serve to heigthen her Assurance? + +L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they +want neither Art nor Travel to improve it. + +L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladyship shou'd encourage Art or Travel, +where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady +shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd +of Followers. + +L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but +when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter +about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladyship's Cozen, +there, who is equally entitul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old +Cloths. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladyship's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any +Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladyship's Face. + +L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladyship's a'ground, your Face may put both +Sexes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave, + Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave; + As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place, + She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._ + + +The End of the Second ACT. + + + +ACT III. SCENE I. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Here do I follow and caress my Lady, in hopes to steal a Spark +'mongst her Admirers; I have five hundred Pounds in the fourteen _per +Cent_, a Gentlewoman's Fortune in past Ages, but now 'twon't buy a +Haberdasher of small Ware. Sir _Harry_ offers me a genteel Settlement; +Time was, when a kept Madam elbow'd the whole Drawing-Room; but now we +have a virtuous Court agen, a Lord's Mistress is almost as despicable as a +Citizen's Wife.--Suppose I trick the Collonel into Marriage--To bridle at +a Review in _Hyde-Park_, have rich Plunder brought me from _Flanders_, and +boast in Company how much my Husband ballances the Pow'r of _Europe_; but +then comes Peace, and Half-pay, and the Brigadier's Lady must condescend +to dress Heads, make Mantoes, or vainly feed her Pride, by personating +what she really was on the most renown'd _Drury-Lane Theatre_.--Suppose I +rail at the Government, and so trap the rich Major; but then he's trapt in +a Plot, some poor Lord begs his Estate, and I'm to live upon the mighty +Comfort of having it again when the Pretender comes--Or what if I wheedle +in with Mr. _Nick-nack_--To have a fine House in _Billiter-Lane_, +prodigious great Dinners, and ready Cash for Play. And, faith, now-a-days, +a rich Merchant's Wife keeps as late Hours, Games as high, and makes as +bulky a Figure as e'er a Dutchess in the two united Kingdoms. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. How kind this was, my dear, pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, to leave so +much good Company to meet me here alone. + +Mrs. _Lov_. How kind you are to your self Sir _Harry_, in harbouring so +ridiculous a Notion. + +Sir _Har_. Are you resolv'd then, Madam, to let this gay, this proper +well-set Person o' mine pine away like a green Sickness Girl, when I have +so generously offer'd you two hundred Pound a Year, only to be a little +whimsical with you. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Two hundred a year! wou'd you make a Whore of me Sir _Harry_? + +Sir _Har_. A Whore! have a care, Child, who you reflect upon, a Lady of +two hundred a Year, a Whore; Whores are Creatures that wear Pattens and +Straw-hats. I'd fain hear any body call a kept Mistress, Whore, while +there's Law to be had, if I were she, I'd make 'em severely pay for't. + +Mrs. _Lov_. But pray, Sir _Harry_, where's the Difference between a common +Woman, and one that's kept; they have equally lost their Reputation, and +no body of any Character will visit 'em. + +Sir _Har_. Visit 'em! Ladies of different Orders shou'd converse amongst +themselves, I know a Set of kept Mistresses that visit one another with +all the Ceremony of Countesses, take place of one another according to the +Degree of their Keepers, are call'd to one another's Labours, and live in +perfect Sister-hood like the _Grand Seignor's Seraglio_; two of 'em indeed +had a violent Quarrel t'other day, but 'twas only about State Affairs, one +happening to be a Whig, and t'other a Tory. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Good Sir _Harry_, what have you seen so loose in my Behaviour +to attack me at this rate? + +Sir _Har_. Why, look you, Child, do'st thee consider what an Income two +hundred a Year is; some Country Gentlemen han't more to make their Elder +Sons Esquires, and raise Portions for eleven awkard Daughters. Besides, +my Dear, thou art but a whiffling sort of a Pinnace, I have been proffer'd +lovely, large, First Rate Ladies for half the Mony. There's _Winny +Wag-tail_ in _Channel Row_, wou'd have left it to my Generosity; Mrs. +_Tippet_ the Furrier's Wife in _Walbrook_ wou'd have taken five hundred +Pound down, and _Sufan Sigh-fort_ the quaking Sempstress had n't the +Assurance to ask me above the rent of her Shop.----I must tell you, Love, +the Nation's over stock'd with Women, I can have a hundred and fifty +Furbuloe Scarf-makers for as many Silver Thimbles; and but last Long +Vacation, a very considerable Pleader offer'd me his two Daughters for Six +and Eight Pence a Night. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, this Discourse suits not my Genius, I have a +Fortune, tho' not thousands enough to keep me from that odious thing you'd +tempt me to; therefore if you pursue this Humour any farther, I must +acquaint my Lady with it. + +Sir _Har_. Why, then, Madam, do I most devoutly pray to _Venus_ there, and +each kind Creature here, that the Men may avoid you, as if you had n't a +Lure about you, that for madness you may turn Gam'ster, lose all your +Fortune at Play, and then grow crooked for want of Mony to buy you a new +Pair of Stayes. [_Exit._ + +Mrs. _Lov_. Was ever any thing so impudent! he's a charming Fellow tho', +and two hundred a Year is a charming Allowance too.--But Virtue! Virtue!-- +Oh! that I had liv'd in good King Some-body's Days. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bra_. Madam _Lovejoy_, your most humble Servant, here's a Ring that was +pawn'd to me for twenty Guineas by a Welch Knight, on his being chose High +Sheriff o'the County, and the Mony not being paid in due time, it's become +forfeited; I therefore entreat the Favour of you to wear it. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Your very humble Servant, Major, they are delicate Stones +indeed; but what Service must I do you in return of so great a Compliment? + +_Bra_. Only that, Madam, of being my Advocate to Lady _Rodomont_, whose +Beauty I have long admir'd, and whose Estate I do profoundly reverence. +[_Aside._] Nor can I on a just survey of my Person and Parts find the +least Obstacle, why her Inclinations shou'd n't mount like mine, that +without much Ceremony or foppish Courtship, we might unite Circumstances, +and astonish the World at the Sight of a couple so prodigiously well +pair'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Were my Fortune, Major, equal to my Lady's, my Judgment wou'd +be as much admir'd in such a Choice as my Happiness wou'd be envy'd; but +my Lady's of so uncommon a cold Constitution so whimsically gay, and fond +of new Diversions, she laughs at ev'ry serious Thought of Love. + +_Bra._ Perhaps, Madam, my Lady never had an Offer worth her serious +Notice, the Fops a course chatter and teaze the Women, but when great +Statesmen condescend to Love, and while they Court, Affairs of State stand +still; a Lady shou'd be proud of such an Offer; what Woman wou'd not think +her self most highly honour'd to have an amorous Judge approach her with +his Tipstaff. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Ay, Major, to have the State stand still, as if a Woman were +of mightier Moment wou'd sooth a Lady's Pride, 'twou'd be so pretty to +adjourn the Parliament when their Mistresses send for 'em to Picquet; and +were my Lady sensible how vast an Honour you design her, she certainly +wou'd own an equal Passion. + +_Bra._ [_Aside_] I profess a very ingenious Woman, and cou'd I but be +satisfy'd, she were entirely in the French Int'rest, I I wou'd prefer her +to Madam _Maintenon's_ Cabinet Council, to consult about the next +Invasion. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nic._ Oh! Mrs. _Lovejoy_, I have been hurry'd quite out of my Senses, +three more Ships are sail'd in upon me this Morning; the _Atlas_ Merchant +Man, Captain _Sunburnt_ Commander from the _East Indies_, the _Dighton_ +Gally from the musty Islands, and the _Hankerchief_ Frigot from _Smirna_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, when's the Sale? + +_Nic._ Now, now, Madam, and the fat India Women from all Parts o'the Town +do croud and scold like a Parcel of Fish-Wives at a Mackrel-Boat--Mrs. +_Trapes_ in _Leadenhall_ Street is hawling away the Umbrellas for the +walking Gentry, Mrs. _Kanister_ in _Hatton Garden_, buys up all the course +Bohee-Tea for the _Holborn_ Ladies Breakfasts, and Mrs. _Furnish_ at St. +_James_'s has order'd Lots of Fans, and China, and India Pictures to be +set by for her, 'till she can borrow Mony to pay for 'em.----But, Madam, I +ha' brought you a couple of the prettiest Parrokeets, and the charming'st +Monkey for my Lady that ever was seen; a Coster-monger's Wife kiss'd it, +burst into Tears, and said, 'Twas so like an only Child she had just +bury'd. I thought the poor Woman wou'd ha' swoon'd away. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Thank you good Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. But, Madam, have you told my Lady, what a violent Inflammation I +have about her? + +Mrs. _Lov_. She's now at Cards with the _Collonel_, and next to the new +Monkey you'll be the welcom'st Creature alive to her.--Sweet Major excuse +me, for I must run to my dear Parrokeets. [_Exit._ + +_Bra_. Prithee, Friend, what Beau-maggot has thy Pericranium lately bred +to give thee pretensions to Lady _Rodomont_? + +_Nick_. And pray, _Major_; what prejudice have the Ladies done you, that +you shou'd revenge it by offering 'em your disagreeable self? For he that +murmus at so good a Queen, must certainly be disaffected to the whole Sex. + +_Bra_. Do'st thou imagine a Woman of sense that has seen he great Court of +_France_, and visited Madam _de Trollop_, Madam _de Frippery_, and Madam +_de Twangdillion_, where Ladies are great Politicians, and talk of +Ramparts, Bastions, and Aqueducts will prefer thy Parrots and Jack-daws to +a Man of Politicks, whom the Prince of _Conti_ consulted about the Kingdom +of _Poland_. Monsieur _Chamillard_ about the late Invasion. + +_Nick._ I can't suppose, _Major_, a Lady of her Intellects, will fling her +self away on a Grumbletonian, to have her Estate confiscated, receive +Visits in the _Gate-house_, when her Husband's clapt up for Treason, and +afterwards quarrel with the Heralds about the length of her Veil, when her +Spouse made his _Exit_ at _Tyburn_. + +_Bra_. Why ha'st thou the assurance to despise Heroes that die in a State +Cause, St. _Charnock_, and St. _Gregg_; these were Men that made a noise +i'the World, whose Names are in ev'ry News Paper, and let the Cause be +what it will, I honour People that make a noise in the World.--But +prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, what makes you Citizens that spring from a little +Counting-house, up three Steps at the further End of a dark Ware-house, +attempt Women o'Quality? + +_Nick_. Why, Sir, I can settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her. + +_Bra_. Settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her;--Wou'd you buy a Wife +as you do Scamony and Cocheneal by Inch of Candle? If I were a Woman, I +shou'd hate the sound of an Inch of Candle. I'll settle _Major Bramble_ +upon her, an inestimable Jewel, and if she has no more sense than to +refuse me; for a Chocolate-house, _Jelley Eater_, she has travell'd to as +little improvement, as some other Beau Ladies, that admire the Agility of +the _French_, before the Stability of the _Swiss Cantons_; therefore you +may go tire her with your Monkey tricks, to give her a true relish of my +more weighty Arguments.--In the mean time, I'll step to the Tow'r, to +congratulate the safe Arrival of some very great Persons out of +_Scotland_. [_Exit._ + +_Nick_. Now has this old Fellow the vanity to think his Person and +Qualities are as acceptable to a fine Woman as if he had been bred at +Court; but Asses will herd and bray amongst the fair Kine, like a knot of +Stock-jobbing Jews that crowd _Garraways_ Coffee-house, and fright away us +Beau Merchants with the stink of Bread and Cheese Snuff. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to_ Covent-Garden. + + _Enter_ Matter Totty, _and_ Shrimp. + +_Tot_. Lord! Lord! What a hugeous Place this _London_ is? I thank you +heartily, Sir, for taking Care of me; for I shou'd ha' quite lost my self, +and then, perhaps, some strange Person might ha' taken me up, and ha' kept +me; but what makes People in such a hurry here, as if at _Lincoln_, the +Mayor and Aldermen were going to a Bull-baiting; at other times Folks in +the Country walk more slowly, as tho' they were going to Church. + +_Shr. London_, Master, is the Seat of Business, People do ev'ry thing in a +hurry here, except paying their Debts, and lying with their Wives; but +what Notion had you of the Town before you saw it? + +_Tot_. Why, my Grand-mother says, Tis the wicked'st Place under the Copes +of Heav'n, and the Filthinesses she has seen there, have made her frigid +to Mankind; she says, young Fellows are greedy after young Wenches, and +make a scoff at old Folks; Men of Quality have no sense of well-doing, and +Women o'Quality no sense of Self-denial; your highflown Gentry, no sense +of Humility, and the Common People no sense of good Manners; mid-night +Collonels, no sense of Sobriety; Vintners no sense of Honesty; City Wives, +no sense of Chastity, and their Husbands, no sense at all. + +_Shr_. You are deceiv'd, Master, People come hither for Education and +Improvement: Ev'ry Merchant's Prentice now assumes an air of Wisdom, talks +of Gaming, Dress, and Poetry; frequents the Hazard-Table at _Lambeth_, the +Bowling-Green at _Islington_, and keeps a Race-Horse for _Hackney-Marsh_; +has a Silver Watch double gilt, Pearl colour Silk Stockings, and a +black Suit for _Lent_, with a couple of Drop-Locks hanging up in the +Counting-house, which are occasionally hook'd on to a Spruce-Bob to Squire +two Chamber-Maids to the _Rival Queens_. + +_Tot_. But do People obey their Parents in _London_? + +_Shr_. Never, never, Master, this is an Age of Freedom and good Humour; +Fathers tope Claret with their Sons, and Mothers _Rosa Solis_ with their +Daughters; they Rake together, Intreague together, divide Estates, and +persue their Inclinations; Familiarity makes young Fellows easie, and old +Fellows have the happiness to live out all their Days. + +_Tot_. O Gemini that's pure! well I always had a mighty mind to see +_London_, because my Grand-mother would never let me; and d'you belong to +Sir _Harry Sprightly_, say you, Sir? + +_Shr_. I do my self the Honour to sojourn with him; Sir _Harry_ +Compliments me with adjusting some Solecisms in his Dress; we were +Neighbour's Children in the Country, and always very fond of one another, +he begg'd the Favour of me to meet you at the Inn, give you some +refreshment, and conduct you to his Lodgings;--Oh! Here comes a Friend +o'mine lately return'd from _Flanders_, that will be glad to associate +with us; he's a Person of great Worth, I assure you, and might have had +great Preferments in the Army; but his good Manners, like some other +well-bred military Sparks, made him rather retreat than put himself +forward. + + _Enter_ Knapsack. + +Mr. _Knapsack_, your most humble Servant, an ingenious young Gentleman +here, just arriv'd from the Fenns in _Lincolnshire,_ desires to be known +to you; he's at present but a rough Diamond wholly ignorant of the Town, +but your Conversation will make him Brillant. + +_Knap_. You know my Profession, Mr. _Shrimp_, and think you can't trespass +on my modesty; but your praises are enough to put our whole Regiment out +o'countenance, had we not quarter'd in _Ireland_.--The young Gentleman by +his deportment seems to be the Darling of a Family, and Heir to a good +Estate. + +_Tot_. I shall have Five Hundred a Year, Sir, when my Grand-mother gives +up the Ghost; but at present she allows me but Eighteen Pence a Week for +reading the Book of Martyrs to her, copying Receipts, and supporting her +about the House. + +_Shr_. Eighteen Pence a Week! Why the Kitchin Wench gets more for her +Coney Skins; but what allowance are you to have now, Master, you should +have handsome Lodgings in _Pall-Mall_ Tutors to embellish you, dress out +for _Whites_, keep a Chair by the Week, and an impudent Footman to knock +down People before you. + +_Tot_. Ay, but my Grand-mother charg'd me on her Blessing never to go to +that end o'the Town; she says, they are abominable Spendthrifts there; bid +me remember the Prodigal Son, and has given me only a broad _Jacobus_ to +pay for Post Letters, and a Hundred Pound Bill upon Sir _Francis_ to put +me Clerk to an Attorney. + +_Shr_. Clerk to an Attorney! Why the Nation swarms with 'em; so many young +Fellows now are bred to that Profession, Men, and their Wives are forc'd +to go to Law to find bus'ness for their Children. + +_Knap_. Hang the Hundred Pounds; we'll spend it, Master, in showing you +the Town, the Lyons, and the Tombs, the Bears, and the Morocco's, the +Jew's Synagogue, and the Gyants at _Guild-hall_, my Lord-Mayor's great +Coach, and my Lady Mayoress's great Tower. + +_Tot_. Shan't we go to the Play-house too, and see _Pinkeman, Bullock_, +and _Jubilee Dicky_? + +_Knap_. Ay, and behind the Scenes too amongst the pretty Actresses; I must +have you a smart Youth, understand the finish'd Vices o'the Town, learn +to swear like a Gentleman of Ten Thousand a Year, few Men of Estates are +bred to Conversation, game like a desp'rate younger Brother, several +embroider'd Suits are known to live by't, drink abundantly to prevent +dull-thinking, and Whore lustily to encourage the Dispensary that gives +the poor Physick for nothing. Mr. _Shrimp_ here knows the World; and, I +warrant, for cogging a Die, bullying a Coward, bilking a Hackney Coachman, +and storming a Nest of Whores in _Drury-lane_, not a Master of Arts in +either University can come near him. + +_Tot_. Fegs, so I will, they shan't think to cow me any longer; one cou'd +never stir out o'the Room, but my Grand-mother was purring after a Body, +and if she heard one got a little merry at _T. Totum_, with the Maids, +she'd quaver out _Totty_, come, and say your Catechism;--_What is the +chief End of Man?_ And upon ev'ry little Fault, she'd lock me up to get +_Quarles's Emblems_ by heart, and threaten I shou'd lie in the great Room +that's haunted, and never let one have any other diversion, than to hear +the Chaplain play _Jumping Joan_ upon the Base Viol. + +_Shr_. Shall we adjourn to the _Rose_, the Drawer's my particular Friend, +and will give us _French_ Wine for Eighteen Pence a Bottle. + +_Tot_. But lets ha' some Sack, do. + +_Knap_. Ay, and Sugar, my brave Boy, thou shall't have any thing; we'll be +merry as mony'd Sailors over a Bowl o'Rum Punch, fluster'd as their +Whores, and frolicksom, 'till we have spent all, drink Confusion to all +Grand-mothers, and if the old Cat pretends to Ptysick it much longer, +we'll get an Act of Parliament to poyson her. + +_Tot_. With all my Heart! they say the Parliament can do any thing. +[_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE, _A Drawing-Room._ + + _Enter the_ Collonel, _and_ Lady Rodomont _rising from Play_. + +L. _Rod_. Fling up the Cards, good _Collonel_, after two Games, the +Pleasure becomes a Business; like my Lady _Shuffler_ that gits her living +at 'em. + +_Col_. Your Ladyship's a Chymist in Diversions, extracts the quintessence +of ev'ry Pleasure, and leaves the drossy Part upon the World; Agreements, +when too tedious pall the Fancy, when short they quicken and refine our +Appetites; and the sublimest Joy to Mortals known, evaporates the Moment +that 'tis tasted. + +L. _Rod_. Variety alone supports dull Life, the light Amusements that +connect and change, Spur on the creeping Circle of the Year; I love to +humour an unbounded Genius, to give a lose to ev'ry spring of Fancy, to +rove, to range, to sport with different Countries, and share the Revels of +the Universe. + +_Col_. My Genius fain wou'd Court superiour Blessings; those Passions are +too hurrying to last; Vapours that start from a Mercurial Brain, whose +wild Chimera's flush the lighter Faculties, which tir'd i'th'vain pursuit +of fancy'd Pleasures; a Passion more substantial Courts our Reason, solid, +persuasive, elegant, sublime, where ev'ry Sense crowds to the luscious +Banquet, and ev'ry nobler Faculty's imploy'd. + +L. _Rod_. That Passion you describe's a sleeping Potion, a lazy, stupid, +lethargy of Mind, that nums our Faculties, destroys our Reason, and to our +Sex the bane of all Agreements; shou'd I whom Fortune, lavish of her +store, has given the means to glut insatiate Wishes, out-vie my Sex, and +Lord it o'er Mankind, constrain my rambling Pleasures, check my Liberty +for an insipid Cooing sort of Life, which marry'd Fools think Heav'n, and +cheat each other. + +_Col_. Are Love and Pleasure, Madam, so incongruous?--Methinks the very +name of Love exhilerates; meaner delights were meant but to persuade us, +Toys to provoke and heighten our desires, which Love confirms and Crowns +with mightier extasie. + +L. _Rod._ Rather all Joys expire, where Love commences; when that deluding +Passion once takes root, we grow insensible, ill-bred, intolerable, +neglecting Dress and Air, and Conversation; to fondle an odd Wretch, that +caus'd our ruin: No, give me the outward Gallantries of Love, the Poetry, +the Balls, the Serenades, where I may Laugh and Toy, and humour Apish +Cringers, with secret Pride to raise my Sexes Envy, and lead pretending +Fops a Faiery Dance. + +_Col._ My own Humour to a Hair! How I admire such generous sprightly +Virtue, your Reasoning, Madam, darts amazing brightness, 'where groveling +Souls want courage to think freely, ay, Liberty's the Source of all +Enjoyments, a nourishing Delight, innate and durable. I love the Harmony +of Foreign Courts; your downright _English_ Women are meer Mopes, sit +dumb like Clocks that speak but once an Hour, supinely Grave and +insolently Sullen, nor Smile but on good terms to Laugh, at us for Life: +But other Climates animate more warmly; Sexes alike are free, reciprocally +gay, and Pleasures are persu'd without Reflection, if Principle or Fear +refuse us Love; for I'm the tenderest of a Lady's Honour, the Fair One +still has tantalizing Charms, her tuneful Voice, her graceful, easie +Movement, her lively Converse, happy turn of Thought, Language polite, +keen Wit, fineness of Argument, but Marriage turns the Edge of all +Society. + +L. _Rod._ Pray, _Collonel_, how long have you taken up this Resolution? + +_Col_. I doat upon the Sex, admire their heav'nly Form, like beauteous +Temples built by sacred Hands, where their bright Souls as Deities +inhabit; but shou'd Love's Queen, Celestial _Citharea_, descend in all her +elegance of Beauty, the study'd Care of the officious Graces, with Wreaths +of Jewels glittering round her Temples, her flowing Locks dispos'd in +artful Circles, losely attir'd, and on a Down of Roses, with laughing +Cupids hov'ring round the Bed.-- + +L. _Rod_. But _Collonel_. + +_Col_ A wondrous lovely Mien, kind melting Airs, soft snowy Breasts that +pant with am'rous Sighs, Eyes lauguishing that steal forth welcome +glances; Cheeks rip'ning, glowing, kindling, ravishing. + + _To be confin'd, wou'd deaden all her Charms, + And Matrimony fright me from her Arms_. + +L. _Rod_. Good _Collonel_ check a while this feign'd Career; for in +describing her you wou'd refuse, you're in a Rapture, and quite out of +Breath; don't depend too much on your fancy'd Prowess, some mortal Dames, +less beauteous than a Goddess, have exercis'd and tam'd the boldest +Heroes. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Madam, the Countess of _Circumference_, my Lady _May-pole_, +and my Lady _Bob-tail_ are just lighting at the Gate. + +L. _Rod_. Pray sup with me _Collonel_, and lets finish this Argument, I'm +fond of disputing with a Person that talks well. + +_Col_. [_aside _] She's peek'd, and my design must prove successful. + + _Pride keeps me off, but Nature smooths my way; + For what her Tongue wou'd hide, her Eyes betray_. + +[_Exit._ + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, did you ever hear the like? The _Collonel's_ such an +Enemy to Marriage? + +Mrs. _Lov_. An Enemy to Marriage, Madam! + +L. _Rod_. As obstinately bent against it, as if he were incapable of Love; +not that his Principles concern me, yet such Heresy in Men shou'd be +subdu'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Perhaps, Madam, the _Collonel_ may have had some strange +misfortune in the Army, Cannon Bullets fly at such an ugly random rate. + +L. _Rod_. Ha, ha, ha, how I laugh at such thin Disguises, as if a ratling +Officer in this fortune-hunting Age, cou'd have Philosophy to slight my +Person and Estate; but I'll applaud his happy choice of Liberty; say, 'tis +a generous Thought, so like my self, I'll settle a Platonick Friendship +with him, then faulter in my Speech, and seem confus'd, as if my Sexes +weakness must discover a Passion which my haughty Soul wou'd hide. The +greedy _Collonel_ catches at the Bait, deep Sighs, and sheepish Looks +confess the Lover; then with what sparkling Pride I'll boast my Power, +bravely assert my wonted Resolutions, rally the blustering Heroe, and +pursue new Conquests. + + _As the Sun's early Beams attract and warm, + So Ladies with their easie glances Charm; + Vain Coxcombs cringe with transport and surprize, + Feel kindling Fire, and feed upon their Eyes; + 'Till like the Sun, the dazling Nymphs display_ + Meridian _heat, and scorch the Fools away_. + + +_End of the Third_ ACT. + + + + +ACT IV. SCENE _continues_. + + _Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Why, Madam, shou'd your Ladyship keep so many Fellows in +suspence, is it only to mortifie other Women, and maintain the Vanity of +being universally admir'd; you won't marry, and yet love to be courted: +In other matters your Ladiship's gen'rous enough, but as for parting with +your Lovers, you are as stingy as the Widow _Scrape-all_, that lets out +her Mourning-Coach to Funerals. + +La. _Rod_. Cozen, we're alone, and I'll discover t' you the Soul of ev'ry +Woman: Vanity is the predominant Passion in our Sex, what Lady that has +Beauty, Wit and Fortune, does not excel in Dress, brighten in Talk, and +dazle in her Equipage; and Lovers are but Servants out o' Liveries: Who +then that has Attractions to command, to sooth, to frown, to manage as we +please, wou'd raise those crawling Wretches that adore us, that fawn and +sigh, and catch at ev'ry Glance, but once embolden'd, as our Courage fails +us, the flatt'ring Knaves exert their Sovereign Sway, and crush the +darling Pow'r we possess. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis their Prerogative to rule at last, our Reign is short, +because 'tis too Tyrannical; we're pleas'd to have Admirers gaze upon us, +they're pleas'd with gazing, 'cause they cannot help it; but yet they +think us strange fantastick Creatures, and curse themselves for loving +such vain Toys; for my part, I'm for ballancing the pow'r of both Sexes, +if a fine Gentleman addresses a fine Lady, his Reception ought to be +suitable to his Merit, and when two fine People get together-- + +La. _Rod_. What then? + +Mrs. _Lov_. They ought to lay aside Affectation and Impertinence, and come +to a right understanding i' th' matter. + +La. _Rod._ But prithee, my Dear, what fine Things d'you conceive there are +in Love? + +Mrs. _Lov_. I wou'd conceive what fine Things there are in Love; in short, +Madam, you may dissemble like the _French Hugonots,_ that were starving in +their own Country, and pretended to fly hither for Religion: But I that +have the same Circulations with your Ladiship, know that ev'ry Woman feels +a _Je ne sçay quoy_ for an agreeable Fellow; nay more, that Love is +irresistable; how many Fortunes have marry'd Troopers, and Yeomen o'the +Guard? We are all made of the same Mould; nay I heard of a Lady that was +so violently scorcht at the sight of a handsome Waterman, she flung her +self sprawling into the _Thames_, only that he might stretch out his Oar, +and take her up again. + +La. _Rod_. There are Women Fools to a strange degree; but have you, +Cousin, seen any Object so amiable to merit that ridiculous Condescension. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I have seen a great many young Fellows, Madam, and do ev'ry +Day see more young Fellows that I cou'd like very well to play at _Piquet_ +with; and if your Ladiship has sworn to die a Maid, recommend one of your +Admirers to me, and it shan't be my Fault, if in a few Months I don't +produce you a very pretty Bantling to inherit your Estate. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bram_. (_Aside_.) Now must I screw my self into more submissive Forms +than a hungry Poet at the lower end of a Lord's Table, when he has more +Wit than all the Company; muster up more Lies than are told behind a +_Cheapside_-Counter, and talk to her of Agues, Agonies and Agitations, +when I have no more Notion of Love, than a Lawyer has of the next World: +Her Estate indeed wou'd put a Man into a Conflagration, but a fine Woman +is to me like a fine Race-Horse, admir'd only by Fools, very costly, very +wanton, and very apt to run away--Madam, your Ladiship's incomparable +Perfections, which are as much talk'd of, as if they had been publish'd in +the _Flying-Post, Post-Boy_, and _Post-Man,_ have stirr'd up all my +Faculties to admire, ev'ry Part about you, and to tell you the Ambition I +have of being your Ladiship's most devoted, humble Servant at Bed and +Board. + +La. _Rod_. A Man of your Character, _Major_, is seldom touch'd with a +Lady's Perfections; our trifling Beauties soften weaker Mortals, you Men +that bustle about publick Matters, whose fiery Souls are charm'd with +Broils of State, retain no mighty Transports for our Sex. + +_Bram_. True, Madam, Love's but an insipid Business; but I wou'd marry to +keep up that fiery Breed; and your Ladyship having a more sublime Genius +than the rest of your Sex, I thought you the properest Person to apply to, +that with equal Pains-taking we may produce a Race of _Alexanders_, that +shall rattle thro' the World like a Peal of Thunder, wage Wars, destroy +Cities, and send old Women headlong to the Devil. + +La. _Rod_. I mould rather chuse a peaceful Race, whose Virtue shou'd +prefer 'em to the State, where Wisdom, like a Goddess, sits triumphant, to +awe, to charm, to punish and reward, and check the Fury of such headstrong +Coursers. + +_Bram_. A Race of Side-Box-Beaus, that love soft easie Chairs, Down-Beds, +and taudry Night-Gowns; I admire those renown'd Emperors, that chop +Peoples Heads off for their Diversion, and the glorious King of _France_, +that makes his Family Kings whenever he pleases; that gives People yearly +Pensions to bellow out his praise; whose Edicts fly about like Squibs and +Crackers, and as much laughs at Parliaments and Councils, as a Whore of +Distinction does at the _Reforming-Society._ + +La. _Rod_. Such Princes are meant Scourges to the Earth; no Mortal's fit +for absolute Command; Men have their Passions; Monarchs are but Men, and +when Love, Jealousie, or Fear possess 'em, the Tyrants spurn, and rack +their guiltless People, who tamely bend, and court their fatal Madness; +our happy Realm knows no Despotick Sway; not only Kingdoms here, but +Hearts unite, the Sov'reign and the Subjects bless each other; a +Constitution so divinely fram'd; such gen'rous Concord, such resistless +Harmony, that Nature wonders at her own Perfections; a Climate and a +People so serene! + +_Bram_. Look you, Madam, I'm no more an Enemy to the Government than to +your Ladiship: Your Ladiship has a good Estate, Estate, and your Person is +mightily dish'd out, fine and lovely and plump, therefore if your Ladyship +thinks fit to marry me, and the Government to give me a Place of a +Thousand a Year, I'm an humble Servant to both, otherwise I wou'dn't care +three Whiffs o' Tobacco, if the Government sunk, and your Ladiship were +blown up in the Clouds. + +La. _Rod._ Plain-dealing, _Major_, ought to be inestimable, especially in +a Statesman, but you needn't give your self any trouble about me, you're +not a Creature tame enough for a Husband: The Lion that's us'd to range +the Woods, if once ensnar'd, grows ten times more outragious. What think +you, Cousin, shou'd we entangle the _Major_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ We must never come near him, Madam, for I'm afraid he'll +devour us all. + +_Bram._ Devour you all, Mrs. _Oatcake_, a Man must be damnable hungry to +feed upon your Chitterlings. [_Aside._] Now have I a good mind to hire two +or three honest Fellows to swear her into a Plot, have her Estate +confiscated to the Government, and get a Reward of half of it for so +serviceable a piece of Loyalty and Revenge; but to mortifie her more +compleatly, I'll go make my Addresses to the Divine Lady _Toss-up_. +[_Exit._ + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick._ [_Aside._] Were it not to improve my Int'rest with the Ladies, +I wou'd forswear all manner of Bus'ness, and grow perfectly idle, like a +Dancing-Master's Brains. I have been squeez'd up at the _Custom-House_, +'mongst _Jews_, _Swedes_, _Danes_, and dirty _Dutchmen_, that were +entering Hung-Beef, 'till I'm only fit to tread _Billingsgate-Key_, +and address those shrill Ladies, whose _Italian_ Voices ev'ry Day charm +the Streets with the deaf'ning Harmony of _Place_, _Flounders_, and +_New-Castle-Salmon_--I was afraid, Madam, having not seen your Ladiship +these four Hours, you had quite forgot me. + +La. _Rod._ That's impossible, Mr. _Nicknack_, I never see the pretty +_Monkey_ you brought me, but I have the strongest Idea of you imaginable; +but have you imported no greater Curiosities, a _Monkey_ of one sort or +other is what most People have in their Houses. I'd have a Ship range the +World on purpose to find me out some agreeable strange Creature, that was +never heard of before, nor is ever to be met with again. + +_Nick._ A Creature, Madam, which some People think unparallell'd, it may +be in my, Pow'r to help your Ladiship to, but 'tis a sort of Creature +that's always sighing for a Mate, if your Ladiship likes it as well as +some other Ladies have done; if I know the Creature, 'twou'd laugh and +toy, and kiss and fawn upon your Ladiship beyond all Womankind. + +La. _Rod._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, what Species is it of? + +_Nick._ Of Humane Species, Madam, your Ladiship shall examine it, but the +Ladies turn it into what shape they please, an _Ape_, an _Ass_, a +_Lizard_, a _Squirrel_, a _Spaniel_; most People say 'tis a _Man_, but the +Merchant that brought it from the _Cyprian Groves_, calls it a _Desponding +Lover_. + +La. _Rod._ A _Desponding Lover_, Mr. _Nicknack_, is indeed a very strange +Creature, but 'tis no Rarity, I'm pester'd with 'em at all Seasons, they +are continually intruding like one's poor Relations, more pragmatically +impertinent than one's Chaplain, and, were it possible, as impudent as +one's Footmen. + +_Nick._ But a sincere and constant Lover your Ladiship must allow a +Rarity. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] I must humour this Fellow's Vanity; he'll make an +admirable Tool to plague the _Collonel_--I understand you, Mr. _Nicknack_, +you have so pretty a way of discovering your self, 'twou'd charm any +Lady, and truly I see no difference between a Gentleman educated at +_Merchant-Taylor's-School_, and one at _Fobert_'s; only at our end o'the +Town, there's a certain Forwardness in young Fellows, that a Boy of +Fourteen shall pretend to practise before he understands the _Rule of +Three_. But what you tell me is a thing of that weight, it requires mature +Deliberation, a Conflict with one's self of a whole Age's debating: +Marriage, 'mongst the vulgar sort, is a Joke, a meer May-Game; with People +of Rank, a serious and well study'd Solemnity. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I'm in no very great haste, I am perfectly of your +Ladyship's Opinion, and can't think there's so mighty a Jest in Matrimony +as some People imagine; like a Country Fellow and a Wench, that will jig +it into Church after a blind Fidler, and are never in a dancing Humour +afterwards. People o' Quality are more apprehensive o' the matter, and +have a world o' business to do, we must first be seen particular together, +to give suspicion, and create Jealousies 'mongst the rest of your +Admirers; then it must be whisper'd to the Countess of _Intelligence_, to +carry about Town, or the Tea-Tables will drop for want of Tittle-tattle; +and afterwards your Ladyship's absolutely denying it, confirms ev'ry body +in the truth of it: As for Cloaths, Equipage and Furniture, they are soon +got ready, and if your Ladiship dislikes living i'the City, we'll take a +House at _Mile-End._ + +La. _Rod_. The City, Mr. _Nicknack,_ A very considerable Place! I have had +noble Suppers there. Suppers dress'd at _Russel_'s in _Ironmonger-lane_, +and have brought away Fifty Guineas at _Basset,_ when at this end o'the +Town I have lost three times Fifty for a sneaking Dish of _Chocolate_. +People too may talk of their want of Sense, but the suppressing +_Bartl'mew-Fair_ was a thing of that wondrous Consultation, it shews the +Citizens have prodigious Head-pieces. + +_Nick_. Your Ladiship has a just Notion of the City. I have read sev'ral +Acts of Common Council, that have really a world of Wit in 'em; but I'm +afraid, Madam, _Collonel Blenheim_ has so far ingratiated himself with +your Ladiship, I shall have a troublesome Rival to deal with. + +La. _Rod_. Not in the least, I admitted him only as a Visitant, but at +present I must be more particular with him; he's of late grown a little +irreverent towards our Sex, and I must check an insolent Humour he has got +of despising Matrimony; he'll be with me instantly, I'll dispose you, that +you may over-hear all, how I'll turn and wind him, cross him, humour him, +and confound him; when you think it proper make your Appearance, and we'll +both laugh at him. + +_Nick._ If your Ladiship pleases, I had rather laugh in my Sleeve, for +those blustering Officers, that are us'd to destroy whole Batallions, make +no more of murdering one Man, than an Alderman does of eating up a single +_Turkey_. + +La. _Rod_. Never fear him, Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have been Collonel i'th'_Train-Bands_ these seven +Years, and therefore ought not to want Courage; and tho' I never learnt to +fence, there's an admirable Master teaches three times a Week, at the +_Swan Tavern_ in _Cornhil_. [_Exeunt_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Now will I be Spitchcockt, if she han't an Inclination for the +_Collonel_, to coquet, and flirt and fleer, and plague half Mankind, only +because they like her, may be what you call a fine Lady, but in my mind +she has more fantastical Airs than a Kettle-Drummer. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE, _a Room in the_ Rose-Tavern. + +_The Bell rings_. + +[_Bar-keeper without_.] Where a Pox are you all; must Company wait an Hour +for a Room? + +[_A noise of Drawers_.] Coming, coming, coming, Sir. + + _Enter a Drawer with Lights_, Shrimp, Knapsack, and Master _Totty_. + +_Draw_. Please to be here, Gentlemen? + +_Shr_. What's become of your Beau-Drawer, that wore a long _Spanish_ Wig, +lac'd Linnen, silk Stockings, and a Patch? + +_Draw_. He happen'd, Sir, to make bold with a silver _Monteth,_ and is +gone for a Soldier--What Wine are you for Gentlemen? + +_Shr._ [_Aside to the Drawer_.] D'you know Sir _Harry Sprightly,_ Friend? + +_Draw_. Yes, Sir. + +_Shr_. What Wine does he drink? + +_Draw_. Three and Six-penny, Sir. + +_Shr_. I am his Servant, draw us the same. + +_Tot._ Bring me some Sack. [_Exit Drawer._ + +_Shr._ Well, Master, what think you of _London_ now, is not the rattling +of Coaches, the ringing of Bells, and the joyful Cry of _Great and good +News from Holland_, preferrable to the Country, where you see nothing but +Barns and Cow-houses, hear nothing but the grunting of Swine, and converse +with nothing but the Justice, the Jack-daw, and your old Grand-mother. + +_Tot._ Ay, marry is it, and if they ever get me there again, I'll give 'em +leave to pickle and preserve me; here are Drums and Trumpets, Soldiers and +Sempstresses, and fine Sights in ev'ry Street: In the Country we are glad +to go four Miles to see a House o'fire. Nay, wou'd you believe it, we +ha'n't so much as a Tavern in our Town; Gentlemen are forc'd to use Gammer +_Grimes's_ Thatch'd Ale-house, except the Curate be with 'em, and then +they smoke, and drink in the Vestry. + + [_Drawer enters with Wine._ + +_Knap._ Come, Master, here's my hearty Service t'you. + +_Tott._ Your hearty Servant thanks you, Sir--Mr. _Shrimp_, here's the +Respects of a Gudgeon t'you. + +_Shr._ Ah! you're an arch Wag. + +_Tott._ But, pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, where may a body buy a little Wit, my +Grand-mother charg'd me to get some; and, she says, bought Wit's best; +'tis a mighty scarce Commodity i'the Country; we have above two hundred +Gentlemen near us that never heard on't. Our Chaplain has a little, but +they say 'tis n't the right sort. + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_ can furnish you with five or ten Pounds worth when +you please. + +_Knap._ Mr. _Shrimp_, Master, has a much better Stock, but that you may +n't think I engross it to my self, as they say _Bull_ does Coffee, what I +have is at your Service. + +_Tott._ Sir, my Service t'you again, [_drinks_] This is much better than +_Lincoln_ Ale, fegs. + +_Knap._ What think you now, Master, of a pretty Wench to towze a little? + +_Tott_. He, he, he, [_grins_] I don't know what you mean, Sir. + +_Knap_. Had you never any pleasant Thoughts o'the Fair Sex. + +_Tott_. I never lay with any Body but my Grand-mother; when she was in a +good humour, she'd tickle a Body sometimes, but if she never meddl'd mith +me, I never meddl'd with her. + +_Knap_. A sapless old Hen, you might as well have lain with a +Paring-Shovel; but what think you of a young Woman, that's warm, tender +and inviting. + +_Shr_. By this Light, here's _Betty_ the Orange Woman from the Play-house. + + _Enter_ Betty. [_They_ rise + +_Bett_. Ah! you Devils are you here, why did n't you come into the Pit to +night, and eat an Orange,--who have you got with you, by my lost +Maidenhead, a meer Country Widgeon, you sly Toads will bubble him finely; +let me go snacks, or I'll discover it. Come, Fellows, drink about; +positively it's very cold, fitting so behind at the Box Doors. + +_Shr_. Honest _Betty_, here's Success to thee in ev'ry thing. + +_Bett_. Ay, Faith, but there's little to do this Winter yet, now the +Officers are come over, I hope, to have full Trade; I have had but one +poor Shilling giv'n me to Night, and that was for carrying a Note from a +Baronet in the Side Box to a Citizens Wife in the Gall'ry; but there was +no harm in't, 'twas only to treat with her here by and by, about borrowing +a hundred Pound of her Husband upon the Reversion of a Parsonage. +[_To_ Knap.] Red Coat your Inclinations. [_To_ Tott.] Sir, prosperity +t'you, you are got into hopeful Company. + +_Tott_. Thank you, Mrs. _Betty._ + +_Shr_. Prithee _Betty_ give us a Song. + +_Bett_. A Song, Pigsneyes, why, I have been roaring all Night with Six +_Temple_ Rakes at the _Dog_ and _Partridge_ Tavern in _Wild-street_, and +am so hoarse I cou'd not sing a Line, were the whole Town to subscribe for +me. + +_Knap_. Take t'other Glass, _Betty_. + +_Bett_. T'other Glass, Fellow, by the Bishop of _Munster_, these Puppies +have a Design upon me! but give it me, however, for all that know me, know +I never baulk my Glass. + +_Shr_. But the Song, the Song, _Betty_. [_She Sings_ + + SONG. + +I. + + _How happy are we, + Who from Virtue are free, + That curbing Disease of the Mind, + Can indulge ev'ry Taste, + Love where we like best, + Not by dull Reputation confin'd_. + +II. + + _When were Young, fit to toy, + Gay Delights we enjoy, + And have Crouds of new Lovers wooing; + When were old and decay'd, + We procure for the Trade, + Still in ev'ry Age we are doing_. + +III. + + _If a Cully we meet, + We spend what we get + Ev'ry Day, for the next never think, + When we die, where we go, + We have no Sense to know, + For a Bawd always dies in drink_. + +_Bett_. [_Aside to_ Shrimp.] Hark'e, Satan, where did you pick up this +modest Youth; does he bleed? + +_Shr_. Oh! abundantly. + +_Bett_. That's well, dress him up, and send him _to Will_'s Coffee-House +and he'll soon grow impudent. [_To_ Tott.] My dear, eat this Orange, and +gi'me Half a Crown. + +_Tott_. Half a Crown for an Orange! I can buy one in the Country for two +Pence. + +_Bett_. So you may in Town, lovely Swain, but ev'ry Smock I put upon my +Back costs me nine Shillings an Ell. + +_Knap_. But tell us, _Betty_, what Intrigues are going forward, your +publick Post brings you into a world of private Business, d'you know ever +an amorous Lady that would present me with a hundred Guineas to oblige +her? + +_Bett_. Thee, Child, Lord starve thee, a Foot Soldier! one o'the Infantry, +a Lady that's Fool enough to pay for her Pleasures, may provide her self +better out o' the Guards.--Come, gi'me t'other Bumper, nothing's to be got +here, I find, and I must run. + +_Shr_. Why in such hast, _Betty_? + +_Bett_. Haste, Creature, why the Fourth Act is just done, and t'other bold +Beast will run away with all the Money. + +_Knap_. Hark'e, _Bess_, don't stroddle over Peoples Backs so as you us'd +to do. + +_Bett_. Why, how now, Mr. Impudence, I think we do 'em too great an +Honour, and whoever affronts me for it I'll have him kick'd as soon as the +Play's over. [_Exit._ + +_Shr_. Come, my dear Boy, let's tope it about briskly; what think you of +this Lass? is she not frank and free? If you had her in a Corner, she'd +show you the way to _Lyme-house._ + +_Tott_. Are all your _London_ Women like her? Our Country Wenches are as +Cross with treading upon Nettles; there's _Margery_ our Dairy-Maid, I only +offer'd to feel her Bubbies, and she hit me a dowse o'the Jaws enough to +beat down a Stack o' Chimneys. + +_Shr_. We'll carry you to a Lady, Master, that shall stifle you with +Kindness, as pretty a piece of Wild-fowl as paddles about _Covent Garden_; +but you'll tip her a Guinea, her Lodgings are extremely fine; and you must +know a first Floor comes very dear. + +_Knap_. She's a Gentlewoman too, I'll assure you, her Father was hang'd in +_Monmonth_'s Time, wears as rich Cloaths as any Body, and never puts on +the same Suit twice. + +_Tot_. O Gemini, I long to see her; pray, Mr. _Knapsack,_ lets go; but +what shall I treat her with, boil'd Fowls and Oysters. + +_Knap_. Something that's very nice, she's mighty dainty at Supper; but her +constant Breakfast is a Red-Herring, and a quartern o' Geneva. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + _Lady_ Rodomont _and the Collonel discover'd_. + +L. _Rod_. Well, Collonel, now what think you of our Sex? Is there no Nymph +so sovereignly bright, whole matchless Beauty, Virtue, Wit and Fortune +you'd charm your rambling. Thoughts and chain you to her? + +_Coll_. The Goddess you describe, you too well know her wond'rous +Brightness, her commanding Excellence, where ev'ry Star seems glitt'ring +in her Person, and ev'ry Science cultivates her Mind; no Swain but kindles +at her vast Perfections, Sighs at her Feet, and trembles to approach her; +but then a baneful Mischief thwarts our Transports, and while we feast us +with luxuriant Gazing, that bug-bear Marriage rises like a Storm, clouds +ev'ery Beauty, blackens with approaching, and frights away the gen'rous +faithful Lover. + +L. _Rod_. You talk of Love with an unusual Warmth, you seem to feel it +too, and talk with Pleasure; and yet strange wand'ring Notions teaze your +Fancy, whose vain Allurements tantalize your Reason, and force you from +the Happiness you wish for. He that loves truly, loves without reserve; +the Object is the Centre of his Wishes, but your wild Sex that hurry after +Pleasure, whose headstrong Passions kindle ev'ry moment, admire each +Nymph, and eager to possess, you burn, you rage, and talk in tragick +Strains: But when the easy Maid believes, and blesses, when once you ha' +rifl'd, ravish'd and enjoy'd, ungratefully you slight the yielding +Charmer; your Love boil'd o'er descends to cold Indifference, and a +regardless Look rewards her Favours; were I inclin'd to wave my +Resolutions, and yield my self a Victim to Love's Pow'r, were I to chuse a +Man by Fortune slighted, and raise him to a more than common Affluence; +such is the Temper of your graceless Sex, there's not a Cottage Swain that +proves sincere. + +_Coll_. Cou'd you then, Madam, condescend to love, and cou'd a Lover +manifest his Passion, by constant waiting, vigilant Observance, by +sacerdotal Plights, and Faith inviolate, wou'd you prove kind, and take +him to your Arms. + +L. _Rod_. Of things impossible we lightly talk; if such a Man were found, +perhaps, I might. + +_Coll_. Cherish that Thought; believe there is that Man; believe you see +him now; observe him well. + +L. _Rod_. Ha! + +_Coll_. Read from his Eyes his passionate Concern, his flattering Hopes, +his anxious killing Fears; examine ev'ry Symptom, feel his Tremblings, +search to his Heart, and there find Truth unblemish'd; approve his Flame, +and nourish it with Favours. + +L. _Rod_. Have I caught you, Collonel; is this the Sum of all your +Self-sufficiency, your Matrimonial Hate, and boasted Liberty. [_Aside_.] +His Merits probably may vie with any, but sure he last shou'd hope a +Lady's Graces, who saucily arraigns her Sex's Pow'r. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I have a Miracle to tell you, the Collonel from a +blustering, ranting Heroe is dwindl'd to a panting, pining Lover; talks in +blank Verse, and Sighs in mournful postures: He the fam'd _Pyramus_, and I +bright _Thisbe_. + +_Nic_. I thought, Madam, the Collonel had been a profess'd Marriage-hater. + +L. _Rod_. Mr. _Nicknack_, we'll divert our selves at Picquet. When you +recover, Collonel, from this Lethargy, you'll play a Pool with us; Ladies +admit all sorts to lose their Mony. [_Exit Lady_ Rod. _and_ Nick. + +_Coll_. I have plaid a fine Card truly, now shall I be number'd with +those doating Fools, her Pride encourages, then Jilts, and laughs at. +She's fair, but, oh! the Treachery of her Sex. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. My dear Collonel, prithee why so pensive? I have had the +pleasantest Adventure this Afternoon, going to the Bank to receive Mony; +in _Pater-Noster-Row_ I saw two of the loveliest Sempstresses the Trade +e'er countenanc'd; I went into the Shop, struck up a Bargain, whipt over +to the _Castle_, where we eat four Crabs, top'd six Bottles, skuttl'd up +and down, kiss'd, towz'd and tumbl'd 'till we broke ev'ry Chair in the +Room. But you are so engag'd with Lady _Rodomont_, your Company's a +Blessing unattainable. + +_Coll_. Yes, I have been engag'd, and finely treated. The Syren with her +false deluding Arts, her Force of Words and seeming to comply, has drawn +me to declare my Passion for her; now rallies and despises all I said, and +hugs her self in baffling my Design. + +Sir _Har_. 'Tis like her Sex, they will ha' their Jades Tricks, but never +mind 'em; we'll to the Tavern and consult new Measures: Our Perseverance +is beyond their Policy. + + _The started Hare may frisk it o'er the Plain, + And the staunch Hound long trace her Steps in vain, + Swiftly she flies, then stops, turns back and views, } + Doubles, and quats, and her lost Strength renews, } + But tho' unseen, he still the Scent persues, } + 'Till breathless to a fatal Period brought, + The Hound o'ertakes her, and poor Puss is caught._ + + +The End of the Fourth ACT. + + + + +ACT V. + +SCENE, _Continues_. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Sir _Harry_, all this Rhet'rick won't prevail; whether you +term it Virtue, or Pride only, I am resolv'd to keep a Fame unspotted, in +spight of all temptations whatsoever. + +Sir _Har._ A Woman's obstinacy is no novelty; but where's the difference +'twixt a Mistress and a Wife. Only a Mistress has a much better Air; you +shall appear as gay and fine as any; strut in Brocade, and glitter in your +Jewels, 'till you put all virtuous Women out o'countenance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Impudence, Sir _Harry_, is a lewd Woman's Talent, and yet what +Creature is there so much dash'd as such an one that happens among +virtuous Ladies. If the Passion you profess be real, proceed with Honour, +and you may be heard: Not that I speak this to increase your Vanity; +Ambition only sways my Inclinations, and you must know; I have a mighty +mind to be a Lady. + +Sir _Har._ A Lady! why, my Servants shall all call you so; we'll live +together like Man and Wife, and I'll be so Constant, and so full of Love, +that ev'ry body shall believe we're marry'd. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Love and Constancy, Sir _Harry_, will plainly tell ev'ry body +we are not marry'd. + +Sir _Har._ [_aside_] Have her I must; but how shall I contrive it?--Oh! +a lucky Thought seizes me. Some Ladies after they have refus'd prodigious +Settlements, tell 'em but a Secret, and they'll grant you any thing. +I'll trump up a delicate Lie to tickle her Curiosity and serve the +_Collonel_.----Well, Madam, since you are resolv'd to cross me, I must +apply my self to those more kind tho' less agreeable, tho' had you giv'n +me but the least Encouragement to have shown my opinion of your Parts as +well as Person, I had trusted you with a Story worth your Attention, tho' +'tis a most prodigious Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov_. A Secret! Sir _Harry_, positively, I will know it. + +Sir _Har_, Then ev'ry body'll know it for a Secret. 'Tis a thing of that +dangerous Consequence, Madam, shou'd it e'er be divulg'd, I may have my +Throat cut about it; and pray, what security have I either for your +Fidelity, or that in return you'll favour my Addresses. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis well known, Sir _Harry_, I can keep a Secret; I have +found Ladies cheat at Cards, seen Ladies steal Tea-Spoons, and have never +spoke on't; nay more, I once caught a Lady making her Husband a Cuckold, +and I never discover'd it.----I'll tell you who it was, my Lady +_Elcebeth_.---- + +Sir. _Har._ Nay, Madam, you have giv'n me prodigious Proofs of your +Secrecy, and I'll disclose the Matter. _Collonel Blenheim_ having been so +intollerably us'd by Lady _Rodomont_ is just going to be marry'd to my +Lady _Catterwawl_, the rich Widow in the _Mewse_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Indeed! + +Sir _Har_. The Lady has regarded him some Years, and her Woman, Mrs. +_Squatt_, has often brought him Presents and Messages which he receiv'd +but coldly, admiring Lady _Rodomont_; but her ill treatment makes him now +resolve gratefully to marry one, who not only will advance his Fortune, +but intirely Loves him. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, you have oblig'd me infinitely, I wou'd'nt but +have known this Story for the World. + +Sir _Har_. But when shall we be happy in each other? + +Mr. _Lov_. I'll give you leave to hope; when I have study'd well, what +Virtue is, I'll tell you more; but at present I must leave you, for I have +a hundr'd and fifty Holes to mend in a lac'd Head just going to the Wash. + +Sir _Har_. Not a Word o'the Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov._ [_angrily_] Sir _Harry_, I'm no tattler, depend upon't; 'tis +lock'd up in this Breast, safe and secure as lodg'd within your own +[_aside_]. I'm ready to burst, 'till I tell it my Lady. + +Sir _Har_. So she's brimful of it already.----Now _Exit_, for my Friend to +humour the design. [_Exit._ + +_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +L. _Rod_. Prithee, Cozen, what is't you mean by the _Collonel_'s going to +be marry'd? You credulous Creatures, that are ignorant of the World, +believe all the stuff you hear. Or suppose him going to be marry'd; why do +you trouble me with such idle Stories? + +Mrs. _Lov_. Nay, Madam, your Ladiship need'n't be discompos'd about the +Matter, I only told it you as a piece o'news, and if it be no concern +t'you, you may soon forget it. + +L. _Rod_. Discompos'd, Creature! Have you had your being in my Family so +long not to know nothing under the Sun's considerable enough to discompose +me? But 'tis a thing impossible; it's not two Hours since he kneel'd to +me, said his sole Happiness depended on my Smiles, with utmost Arguments +enforc'd his Passion, faulter'd, look'd pale, and trembl'd as he spoke it: +Not that I who have had foreign Princes at my Feet, value the conqu'ring +an _English_ Collonel; but I that know my Power infallible, drew him by +policy to that Confession, to have him, as I wou'd have all Mankind, my +Slave. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, Madam, affirm'd it with that unaffected Air of +Truth, enjoyn'd me so strict a Secrecy in the Matter, saying, if't were +discover'd his Life might be in danger; that you must pardon me, Madam, if +I can't help believing it. + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, you that have never been beyond _Tunbridge-Wells_, +must'nt dispute with me that know the Intreagues of ev'ry Court and +Country. Matches an't so easily made up, nor is it probable my slighting +him, shou'd make another Lady value him; if it be true, he must have been +in League with her some time, and, certainly, I shan't care to be +banter'd.----But I'll know that presently;--Where are all my Fellows? +prithee, Cozen, bid one of 'em come, hither. [_Exit Mrs._ Lov. + + _Enter_ Footman. + +Who order'd you, you fat, heavy heel'd Booby; you are two Hours creeping +to the Gate? Call another,-- + + _Enter another_ Footman. + +Nor you you Sot, you'll loiter at ev'ry Ale-house you come to. +Send in the _Yorkshire_ Footman that's never out o'breath;---- + + _Enter a Third_. + +This Fellow's an intollerable Fool too; d'you hear Changling, go to _Young +Man's_ Coffee-house, enquire for _Collonel Blenheim_; if he's not there, +run to the _Smyrna, White's, Tom's, Will's, Offendo's_, and the _Gaunt_; +tell him I desire to speak with him presently; search the _Park_, the +_Play house_, and all the Taverns and Gaming-houses you can think on; for, +positively, if you don't find him, I'll immediately turn you off. + + _Re-enter Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I hope, Madam, your Ladiship's not displeas'd with me; 'tis my +int'rest to oblige in ev'ry thing, where daily I receive such numerous +Favours. [_Aside_]. She has the Money, and I must submit, tho' 'tis well +known, I'm of a much better Family. + +L. _Rod_. Excuse me, dear Cozen, and don't imagine the most finish'd +Cavalier cou'd shake my firm Resolves; but when a Fellow's arrogance shall +dare to proffer his unwelcome worthless Love, then villainously act the +same Part elsewhere; Honour won't let me tamely acquiesce. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Madam, Mr. _Nicknack_ desires the favour of kissing your +Hands. + +L. _Rod._ Pray admit him, Cozen, he's rich and personable, very good +humour'd, and no Fool: His aspiring at me does indeed show a prodigious +stock of Vanity; but 'tis a failing, People o'the best Sense are liable +to, and I had rather prove a Man too ambitious than to have no spirit at +all. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I'm so us'd to you of late, methinks your absence gives me +some Chagrin; where have you been this tedious long half Hour? + +_Nick_. When we flung up the Cards, Madam, I went to see the two Children +that grow together; I wish 'twere your Ladiship's case and mine. + +L. _Rod._ We shou'd rejoice to be parted agen. + +_Nick._ But has your Ladiship contemplated prodigiously o'the Matter? For +really, Madam, I begin to find my self in more hast than I thought I was. + +L. _Rod._ Already, Mr. _Nicknack_, you're too hasty; tho' I have this +opinion of you, a Match with you requires less _pro_ and _con_ than with +some others; but I fancy People look so silly when they're going to be +marry'd, to see 'em walk demurely up the Church, so sheepishly consenting +and asham'd; with shoals of gaping Fools, that crowd about 'em, as if a +Marriage were a Miracle; prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, that I may guess a +little at the Matter for a Frollick, let my Footman marry you, and my +Cozen together. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Mr. _Nicknack_, and I, Madam. + +_Nick._ Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and I, Madam, a very good Jest i'faith. + +L. _Rod._ But you must believe, you're really marry'd, or how shall I +discover the true Air of it? + +_Nick._ But, Madam, is not believing what one knows to be false, somewhat +like a Tradegy Actress; who while she's playing a Queen or Empress, is +full as haughty, and thinks her self as great. + +L. _Rod._ Oh! a strong faith often deprives People of their Senses. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have frequently told monstrous Stories, 'till I ha' +believ'd 'em my self. + +L. _Rod._ We'll step into the next Room, I have a Fellow too that has the +best Puritanical Face you ever saw; but the Society o'the Livery has +secur'd him from ever being a Saint. +[_Exeunt_ + + + +SCENE, _Lady_ Tossup's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Tossup, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +_Flim._ Madam, the Major desires the Honour of kissing your Ladyship's +Hands. + +_L. Toss._ The Major, _Flimsy!_ What Major? Major _Bramble_; What business +can the Major have with me? + +_Flim._ Perhaps, Madam, he's come to pretend to your Ladyship. I have +often caught him rolling his Eyes at your Ladyship, and several times +o'late, he has watch'd above an Hour at the Tabernacle Door to see your +Ladyship come out. + +L. _Toff._ It may be so? but he's old, _Flimsy_. + +_Flim._ He's not quite Fifty, Madam, and they say, He has his Health very +well. + +L. _Toss._ Nay, he's rich; but, I hear, he makes Love to Lady _Rodomont_; +if he slights her for me, I shall receive him more candidly to be reveng'd +on her for affronting me in the _Park_--Pray _Flimsy_ introduce him. + + _Enter_ Bramble. + +A Visit, Major, from a Person of your incessant Negotiations, and refin'd +Politicks is a Grace so peculiar, that I want Assurance to receive it, and +Capacity to acknowledge it. + +_Bram._ 'Tis for my Improvement, Madam, to address a Lady whose superiour +Talents so much excel those Politicks, her condescending Goodness pleases +to commend in me. The great Monarch o'_France_ thinks it his int'rest on +ev'ry nice point o'State to visit the greater Madam _Maintenon_. + +L. _Toss._ [_aside_] Nay, I always read the Votes, and can tell what +_nemine contradicente_ means. I vow the Major's Oratory is extravagantly +well dress'd! I wonder, Sir, your transcending Abilities are not more +taken notice of at Court! Methinks you shou'd be sent Ambassadour +Extraordinary to some magnanimous Prince in _Terra Incognita_; for I'm +certain, you must understand more Languages than were ever heard of. + +_Bram._ Int'rest, Madam, as much depresses true Merit, as a flutt'ring +Assurance over pow'rs real Beauty, otherwise my Intellects might shine as +much above modern Statesmen as your Ladyship's Person wou'd out sparkle +Lady _Rodomont_'s. + +L. _Toss._ D'you really think, Major, my Personage more complete than my +Lady's? + +_Bram._ Madam, there's no more comparison between Lady _Rodomont_ and your +Ladyship, than between a dazling Dutchess and a _Wapping_ Head-dresser: If +the surprizing Sight, and continual Idea of your Ladyship had not +discompos'd my Thoughts and confounded my Politicks, the Confederates had +never taken _Lisle_. + +L. _Toss._ Indeed, Major, I'm very sorry for it truly [_aside_]. D'you +hear, _Flimsy_, you will have me lay it on so thick; but I hope 'twill be +retaken agen. + +_Bram._ Is your Ladyship disaffected, then, to the Government? + +L. _Toss._ The most of any body, for I have been three times at Court, and +they have brought me no Chocolate. + +_Bram._ 'Twas a prodigious Affront; and if you'll believe me, Madam, I'm +disaffected to ev'ry kind o'thing but your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss._ What if we adjourn into the Drawing-Room Major? We'll sit upon +the Squabb, drink Whistlejacket, and abuse all Mankind. + +_Bram._ Nature, Madam, has sufficiently expos'd all Mankind, in forming +your Ladyship so far beyond 'em. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and the_ Collonel. + +L. _Rod._ _Collonel_, I sent for you to wish you Joy, I hear you're to be +marry'd. + +_Coll._ [_aside._] It works I find; Sir _Harry_'s Thought was admirable-- +Yes, Madam, your Ladyship made such fine Encomiums on Matrimony, with so +much Rhetorick, and force of Reason, that you have persuaded me into that +comfortable State. + +La. _Rod._ I persuade you, did I use any Arguments to persuade you to't. +[_Aside._] How he tortures me; but I'll be calm--Have I seen the Lady, +_Collonel_; did she ever appear in Company; pray how is she built. + +_Col._ Built as other Women are, Madam; she has her Gun-Room, her +Steerage, her Fore-Castle, her Quarter-Deck, her Great-Cabbin, and her +Poop; as for her good Qualities, few Women care to hear each other +prais'd; but I'll tell you what Imperfections she has not: She is no proud +conceited haughty Dame, that tow'rs over Mankind with an Estate; no +vain Coquet, that loves a Croud of Followers, invites and smiles, that +drills 'em to admire her; then basely, like a false dissembling +_Crocodile_, prevaricates, and jilts their well-meant Passion. + +La. _Rod._ Hum! + +_Col._ She's rich and beautiful, yet humble too, thinks herself not the +_Phoenix_ o' the Age, nor seems surpriz'd, or mortify'd, to find Ladies a +multitude that far excel her. + +La. _Rod._ Very well. + +_Col._ In short, She has Sense to know a Gentleman that offers Love +sincere, whose Character maintains his just Pretensions, ought to be +treated with the like Regard; and that a faithful and a tender Husband +sufficiently repays the Dross of Fortune. + +La. _Rod._.[_Aside._] He has drawn me to the Life, but I'll return it-- +Such humble things make admirable Wives, and Women when they marry +hectoring Blades, must buy their Peace with wond'rous Condescension, but +when a Lady's unexception'd Graces, artless, immaculate, and universal, +impow'r her to select thro' ev'ry Clime; nay, when she grasps the fickle +Pow'r of Fortune, and is to raise the Man she stoops to wed, Lovers must +sue on more submissive Terms; no Task's too hard when Heav'n's the Reward. +I have a Lover too, no blust'ring Red-Coat, that thinks at the first Onset +he must plunder, bullies his Mistresses, and beats his Men; but when two +Armies meet in Line of Battle, your finest _Collonels_ often prove the +coolest. + +_Col._ Hah! + +La. _Rod._ No Libertine, who infamously vile, burlesques the happiest +Order of Mankind; yet when some Hit shall probably present, can play the +Courtier, to promote his Int'rest, and fondly press what his Soul starts +to think on. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] The Woman speaks truth, by _Jupiter_. + +La. _Rod._ In short, he's humble too, so very humble, he's shockt, and +startles at his high-plac'd Love: He has Wit and Breeding, Virtue, Birth +and Fortune, and yet no spark of Pride appears throughout him, but when I +kindle it with my Commands; nor does he serve, as 'tis his Duty only, but +smiles, prepares, is eager for my Orders, and flies to the Obedience I +require. + +_Col._ Take him, take him. Madam, you have found the only Man to fit your +purpose--I wou'dn't bate one Inch of my Prerogative for ne'er a mony'd +Petticoat in _Europe_. + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel_, these flirting Humours misbecome you, and lighten +not, but aggravate your Baseness. A Thing how much abhorr'd must he +appear, who villanously shall attempt, a Lady, propose, and solemnly +pursue a Conquest, when he, long since, by strictest Oaths and Promises, +has vow'd, been sworn and plighted to another. + +_Col._ You but surmise, as yet I've made no Contract; you were the only +Idol of my Soul, nor did I harbour the least Thought of others, 'till your +Pride us'd me with such poor Contempt, 'twas not sufficient to reject my +service, but you must bring a Fop to mock my Passion, as if I had been an +Animal for sport. + +La. _Rod._ Suppose it true; [_Aside._] my Pride wou'd fain suppose it-- +suppose I us'd you ill too, nay derided you, cou'd you not bear a Flirt +from one you lov'd; had you conceiv'd a bright and lasting Flame, and not +a Vapour, flashing and extinguish'd, you'd ha' born ten times more. Were I +a Man, that knew my strength of Reason, had Sense to ruminate on Women's +Frailties, I'd laugh at all their Spleen, despise their Vapours, and since +a certain Blessing's the Reward, receive their Humours with unmov'd +Philosophy; but to fly off e'er you had well propounded, to leave your +Mistress 'cause she try'd your Courage, was pusillanimous, and few'll +suppose Valour in Arms breeds Cowardice in Love. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] She has struck me dumb, and I'm her Fool again, must +tell her all, and supplicate her pardon, resign my self entirely to her +Will, and trust to her to use me as she pleases----Madam----. +[_Fault'ring._ + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel!_ + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har._ Ha, ha, ha, I never knew a Scene more nicely acted; to see two +Lovers pet, and thwart, and wrangle, when they are just expiring for each +other. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] Has he observ'd us too; how I'm confus'd? + +Sir _Har._ But come, come, you have brought the Play to a conclusion; an +Audience wou'd be tir'd to hear more on't. + +_Col._ Why, really, Madam, after all, you have so pretty, so winning an +Air, that o' my Conscience, I think, I cou'd marry you. + +La. _Rod._ And, really, _Collonel_, you have so silly, so sneaking an Air, +that o' my Conscience, you'll make an excellent Husband; but I'm afraid, +_Collonel_, you are so tainted with _French_ Principles, having forag'd in +that Country, you'll be for Tyranny, and arbitrary Government. + +_Col._ And I'm afraid, Madam, you're so obstinate in _English_ Principles, +you'll submit to no Government at all--but the Age has adjusted that +matter, for marry'd People now-a-days are the quietest, best natur'd +Creatures, and live together like Brother and Sister. + +La. _Rod._ Nay, of marry'd Folks, a Soldier's Wife is the happiest, for +half the Year you're in _Flanders_, and one an't plagu'd with you. + +_Col._ And t'other half we are busie in raising Recruits, and don't much +disturb you. + +La. _Rod._ Positively, _Collonel_, I'll not have abundance of Children. + +_Col._ As few as you please, Madam. + +La. _Rod._ For to be mew'd up in a Nursery, with six dirty Boys, those +diminutive Apes, of the Father's dull Species. + +_Col._ And as many trolloping Girls, that are the greatest Drugs in +Nature--Well, Madam, since we're come to talk of Procreation, it must be a +Match; and tho' I courted you in a careless way, to please your Humour, +know now, I do love thee beyond measure; thou shalt have Progeny +innumerable; we'll walk to Church with our good Deeds after us; and let +'em be dull or homely, as we must suppose 'em, when they are lawfully +begot, there is a Pleasure, a Tenderness in nursing Children, which none +but Mothers know. + +Sir _Har._ Why isn't this better now than fretting and fuming at one +another; People shou'd marry first, and quarrel afterwards. Oh! here comes +pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and some more of the good Family. + +_Enter_ Nicknack, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +_Nick._ Well, Madam, how does your Ladyship like the Air o' Matrimony. + +La. _Rod._ Extremely well, Mr. _Nicknack_, methinks my Cousin and you make +a most suitable, agreeable Couple, 'tis pity but you were marry'd in +earnest. + +Mrs. _Lov._ In earnest, Madam! pray what have we been doing all this +while. + +_Nick._ Doing, _Precious_, does the chatt'ring over a few Words by her +Ladyship's spruce Footman, in his fine Head o' Hair signify any thing; +don't let your Faith intoxicate you neither. + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, _Precious_, but the chattering over a few Words by a +spruce Parson, in his fine Head o' Hair, which I took care to provide, and +put into her Ladyship's Livery, does signifie somewhat. + +_Nick._ Ha! + +La. _Rod._ What Cousin, have you depriv'd me of my Lover? + +Mrs. _Lov._ I knew your Ladyship had a much superiour Aim, but my Ambition +soars no higher than being an honest Citizen's Wife. + +_Nick._ Don't it so, Mrs. _Ambush_? Methinks you ha' soar'd prodigiously +in that; do you imagine the Ladies of _Billiter-Lane_, St. _Mary-Ax_, and +_French-Ordinary-Court_ will think you their equal. + +La. _Rod._ I must tell you, Mr. _Nicknack_, you have marry'd a +Gentlewoman, whose Education equals the best; her Wit and Breeding will +refine your City. + +_Nick._ Will her Wit and Breeding new furnish my House, or buy a Thousand +Pound Stock in the _Hollow-Blade-Company_. [_To Mrs._ Lov.] Well, Madam, +since you have plaid me a t'other end o'the Town Trick, I shall prove a +t'other end o'the Town Husband, and have nothing to say to you when I can +get any body else. + +Mrs. _Lov._ I then, Sir, shall prove a t'other end o'the Town Wife, and +find a great many Persons that shall have a great deal to say to me. + +Sir _Har._ [_Aside to Mrs._ Lov.] Have you kept the Secret, Madam? + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, Sir _Harry_, But you'll be oblig'd to me to keep another +Secret, that you endeavour'd to debauch me. + +Sir _Har._ You gave me such Hopes, Madam, that you'll keep that for your +own Reputation. [_To_ Nick.] Your pardon, Sir, for whispering your Lady. + +_Nick._ Sir, I have more Manners than to be jealous, especially of what I +don't care two pinches of Snuff for. + + _Enter Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, _Major Bramble_, and his Lady. + +La. _Rod._ _Major Bramble_, and his Lady! + +Sir _Har._ Oh! my Lady _Toss-up_, Madam, has marry'd the _Major_; I met +'em coming from _Covent-Garden-Church_, with Five hundred Boys after 'em. + + _Enter_ Bramble, _and Lady_ Toss-up. + +_Bram._ Hearing, Madam, your Ladyship had almost engag'd your self, I was +resolv'd to lay aside all Animosities, and let you know, I have taken to +Wife the most incomparable Lady _Toss-up_. + +La. _Toss._ And that your Ladyship might not engross the whole Sex, I +receiv'd the _Major_, to let you know I have room for one Lover. + +La. _Rod._ I never knew a more surprizing Couple, such a Conjunction's +Policy indeed; State-Matches never have regard to Faces. +[_Noise without._] Bring 'em along, bring 'em along. + + _Enter_ Constable, _and others, with_ Totty, Shrimp, _and_ Knapsack. + +_Col._ What means this Intrusion? + +_Con._ Is Sir _Harry Sprightly_ here? + +Sir _Har._ I am he. + +_Con._ An't please your Baronetship, searching some Houses of ill repute, +in one of 'em we found these three Gentlemen, [_pointing to_ Totty _and_ +Knapsack.] with three Women; and searching a little further, under a fat +Whores Petticoats, we found this little Gentleman, [_Pointing to_ Shrimp.] +but saying they belong'd to your Honour, we brought 'em hither before we +went to the Justice. + +Sir _Har_. They do belong to me; here's a Crown for you to drink; pray +leave us. + +_Tot_. If you be Sir _Harry Sprightly_, my Grand-Mother will be very angry +when she hears how these Fellows ha' daub'd my Cloaths. + +Sir _Har_. [_To_ Shrimp.] Was that the Place I order'd you to carry the +Boy to. + +_Tot_. Boy, the Gentlewoman I ha' been with, did'n't think mee a Boy. + +Sir _Har_. What Gentlewoman? + +_Tot_. Why, we ha been at the Tavern, where we drunk pure Sack, and saw +Madam _Betty_, the Orange-Lady; and afterwards we went to fine Madam +_Over-done_'s stately Lodgings in _Vinegar-Yard_, where we ha' been as +merry as my Grand-Mother, when she gets drunk with _Plague-Water_. [_Feels +his Pockets._] Ah Lard! Mr. _Shrimp_, where's my Hundred Pound Bill? + +Sir _Har_. The Lady you ha' been with, I guess, has pickt your Pocket, and +these Fellows are to share it with her. + +_Tot_. She pick my Pocket! why she had a Furbelow-Scarf on. + +Sir _Har_. Come, come, I'll reimburse you, and send you back into the +Country; you are not sharp enough for the Profession design'd you; where +you may boast among your ignorant Acquaintance, that you have a perfect +Knowledge o' the Town, for you have met with two very great Rogues, got +drunk at a Tavern, been at a common Brothel, and have had your Pocket +pickt of a Hundred Pounds. [_To_ Knapsack.] For you, Friend, the +_Collonel_ will take care of you; [_To_ Shrimp.] and for you, Rascal---- + +_Bram_. I profess, Sir _Harry_, a Couple of promising Youths; a Boy shou'd +n't be trusted with so much Money; these Persons have seen the World, and +know how to employ it----Gentlemen, if your Masters discard you, I'll +entertain you. [_Aside_.] I find by their Phis'nomies they'll be rising +Men; and tho' they came sneaking into the World, like other People, and +paid a Tax for their Births, they'll go out of it a more sublime way, and +cheat the Church of their Burials. + +_Col_. Punish'd they shall be, but 'tis now unseasonable; this Day I'd +wish an universal _Jubilee_----What say you to a Dance, good People, my +Lady's Servants are all musical. + +_A DANCE._ + +Col. _The Wav'ring Nymph, with Pride and Envy sir'd, + Ranges the World, to be by all admir'd; + Thro' distant Courts, and Climes, she bears her way, + And like the Sun, wou'd course 'em in a Day; + At length Fatigu'd, she finds those Trifles vain, + Meer empty Joys, repeated o'er again: + But when by Nature urg'd, weak Fancy fails, + And Reason dictating, sound Sense prevails; + Wisely she takes the Lover to her Arms, + And owns her self subdu'd by Love's more potent Charms._ + + + + +The EPILOGUE, + +Spoken by Mrs. _Bradshaw_. + + +_Poets of late so scurrilous are grown, +Instead of Courting, they abuse the Town: +And when an_ Epilogue _entirely pleases, +In thundering Jests, it takes the House to pieces; +The_ Pit _smiles when the_ Gallery_'s misus'd, +The_ Gallery _sniggers when the_ Pit_'s abus'd_; +Side-Boxes _wou'd with Ladies Foibles play, } +But they themselves stand Buff to all we say, } +For nothing strikes them Dead, but_--Please to pay: } +_The_ Upper Regions _angry if pass'd by; +But when some wond'rous_ Joke _shall thither fly._ +Faith, _Jack_, here's Sense and Learning in this Play, +We'll make our Ladies come the _Poet's_ Day. +_This Author wou'd by gentler Means persuade you, +And rather sooth your Follies than degrade you. +Parties may rail, and bully Courtiers Graces, +But fawning, well-tim'd Ballads, shou'd get_ Poets _Places. +Your Absence lately, how we all have mourn'd; +Some pray'd, some fasted too, till you return'd: +But now those melancholly Days retire, +And eager Wit restrain'd, darts fiercer Fire: +Favours unlimited we hope you'll grant us, +And not let dear-bought_ Foreigners _supplant us. +This_ PLAY, _our Author hopes, may please the Town, } +Not that He claims a Merit of his own,_ } +But half our_ Comick Bards _are dead and gone. } +Things scarce attainable more nice appear_; +Coffee _was scarce a Treat, till very dear. +To raise his Genius, with some pains he strove, +As we in Acting shou'd each Day improve. +But as Whims only seem to please this Age, } +If Wit and Humour won't your Hearts engage,_ } +We'll have a Moving-Picture on the Stage. } + + +_F I N I S._ + + + +(final leaf, recto) + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER + William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +R.C. BOYD + University of Michigan + +E.N. HOOKER + University of California, Los Angeles + +JOHN LOFTIS + University of California Los Angeles + +The Society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. + + +Publications for the fifth year [1950-1951] + +(_At least six items, most of them from the following list, will be +reprinted._) + +FRANCES REYNOLDS. (?) _An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Taste, and +of the Origin of Our Ideas of Beauty, &c._ (1785). Introduction by James +L. Clifford. + +THOMAS BAKER. _The Fine Lady's Airs_ (1709). Introduction by John +Harington Smith. + +DANIEL DEFOE. _Vindication of the Press_ (1718). Introduction by Otho +Clinton Williams. + +JOHN EVELYN. _An Apologie for the Royal Party_ (1659). _A Panegyric to +Charles the Second_ (1661). Introduction by Geoffrey Keynes. + +CHARLES MACKLIN. _Man of the World_ (1781). Introduction by Dougald +MacMillan. + +_Prefaces to Fiction._ Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT. _Poems._ + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY. _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY. _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). (Facsimile +of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem.) + +To The Augustan Reprint Society +_William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +2205 West Adams Boulevard +Los Angeles 18 California_ + +_Subscriber's Name and Address_ +______________________________ +______________________________ +______________________________ + + +_As_ MEMBERSHIP FEE _I enclose for the years marked_ + +The current year $ 2.50 +The current & the 4th year 5.00 +The current 3rd & 4th year 7.50 +The current, 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 +The current 1st 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 + (_Publications_ NO. _3 & 4 are out of print._) + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + +NOTE _All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing +and mailing._ + + + + +PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +First Year (1946-1947) + +1. Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams_, translated by J.V. Cunningham. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fine Lady's Airs (1709), by Thomas Baker + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14467 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) + +Author: Thomas Baker + +Release Date: December 25, 2004 [EBook #14467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FINE LADY'S AIRS (1709) *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Thomas Baker + +THE FINE LADY'S AIRS + +(1709) + +With an Introduction by +John Harrington Smith + + +Publication Number 25 + +Los Angeles + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1950 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +In the first decade of the eighteenth century, with comedy in train to be +altered out of recognition to please the reformers and the ladies, one of +the two talented writers who attempted to keep the comic muse alive in +something like her "Restoration" form was Thomas Baker.[1] Of Baker's four +plays which reached the stage, none has been reprinted since the +eighteenth century and three exist only as originally published. Of these +three the best is _The Fine Lady's Airs_; hence its selection for the +_Reprints_. + +Baker's career in the theatre was as successful as should have been +expected by any young man who after his first play attempted to swim +against rather than with the current of taste. His first effort, entitled +_The Humour of the Age_, was produced at D.L. c. February 1701, and +published March 22,[2] the author having then but reached his "Twenty +First Year" (Dedication). It must have been well received, for Baker +speaks of "the extraordinary Reception this Rough Draught met with." +Indeed, it has in it, despite some "satire," a number of motifs which +would recommend it to the audience. Railton, the antimatrimonialist and +libertine of the piece, is given the wittiest lines, but his attempt to +seduce Tremilia, a grave Quaker-clad beauty, is frowned on by everyone, +including the author; and when the rake attempts to force the lady, +Freeman, a man of sense, intervenes with sword drawn and gives him a stern +lecture. In the end, when Tremilia, giving her hand to Freeman, turns out +to be an heiress who had assumed the Quaker garb to make sure of getting a +disinterested husband, the error of Railton's ways becomes apparent. At +the same time his cast mistress, whom he had succeeded in marrying off to +a ridiculous old Justice, is impressed by Tremilia's "great Example." +"How conspicuous a thing is Virtue!" says she, in an aside; and she +resolves to make the Justice a model wife. Despite much wit the play is +thus, in its main drift, exemplary. + +Baker followed with _Tunbridge-Walks: Or, The Yeoman of Kent_, D.L. Jan. +1703, a play good enough to pass into the repertory and to be revived many +times in the course of the century. The variety of company and the holiday +atmosphere of the English watering-place had inspired good comedies of +intrigue, manners, and character eccentricities before this date (e.g. +Shadwell's _Epsom Wells_ and Rawlins' _Tunbridge-Wells_). Baker decorates +his scene with such "humours" as Maiden, "a Nice Fellow that values +himself upon all Effeminacies;" Squib, a bogus captain; Mrs. Goodfellow, +"a Lady that loves her Bottle;" her niece Penelope, "an Heroic Trapes;" +and Woodcock, the Yeoman, a rich, sharp, forthright, crusty old fellow +with a pretty daughter, Belinda, whom he is determined never to marry +but to a substantial farmer of her own class: her suitor, a clever +ne'er-do-well named Reynard, of course tricks the old gentleman by an +intrigue and a disguise. It is Reynard's sister Hillaria, however, "a +Railing, Mimicking Lady" with no money and no admitted scruples, but +enough beauty and wit to match when and with whom she chooses, who +dominates the play; and though Loveworth, whom she finally permits to win +her, is rather substantial than gay, she is gay enough for them both. The +action, though somewhat farcical, has verve throughout, and the dialogue +crackles. And, as regards the nature of comedy, Baker now knows where he +stands. There is no character who could possibly be taken as an "example." +On the contrary, whenever a pathetic or "exemplary" effect seems imminent +Hillaria or Woodcock is always there to knock it on the head. Thus when +Belinda goes into blank verse to lament the paternal tyranny which was +threatening to separate her from Reynard, + +What Noise and Discord sordid Interest breeds! +Oh! that I had shar'd a levell'd State of Life, +With quiet humble Maids, exempt from Pride, +And Thoughts of Worldly Dross that marr their Joys, +In Any Sphere, but a Distinguished Heiress, +To raise me Envy, and oppose my Love. +Fortune, Fortune, Why did you give me Wealth to make me wretched! + +Hillaria comes in: + +Belinda in Tears--Now has that old Rogue been Plaguing her--Poor Soul!... +Come, Child, Let's retire, and take a Chiriping Dram, Sorrow's dry; I'le +divert you with the New Lampoon, 'tis a little Smutty; but what then; we +Women love to read those things in private. _(Exeunt)_ + +Within a year Baker had another play ready--_An Act at Oxford_, with the +scene laid in the university town and some of the characters Oxford types. +Whether through objections by the University authorities or not (they +would perhaps have thought themselves justified in bringing pressure, +for Baker certainly does not treat his _alma mater_ with great respect) +the play in this form was not acted. Baker published it in 1704, in the +Dedication referring to "the most perfect Enjoyment of Life, I found at +Oxford" and disclaiming any intention to give offence, he then salvaged +most of the play in a revision, _Hampstead Heath_ (D.L. Oct. 1705), +with the scene changed to Hampstead. It is as non-edifying as +_Tunbridge-Walks_. The note is struck on the first page, when Captain +Smart, who has been trying to read a new comedy entitled _Advice to All +Parties_, flings it down with expressions of ennui; shortly thereafter +Deputy Driver, a member of a Reforming Society, appears on the scene to be +twitted because while pretending to reform the whole world he can't keep +his own wife from gadding; and matters proceed with Smart's project to +trick a skittish independence-loving heiress into keeping a compact she +had made to marry him, and his friend Bloom's attempts at the cagey virtue +of Mrs. Driver. The latter project comes to nothing, but both hunter and +hunted find pleasure in the chase while it lasts. When Mrs. D. returns to +the Deputy at the end, her motive for reassuming his yoke is a sound one-- +she's out of funds; and her advice to him, "If you'd check my Rambling, +loose my Reins," is sound Wycherleyan sense. It must be admitted that when +one compares the dialogue of _Hampstead Heath_ with that of the _Act_ some +punches are shown to have been pulled in the revision.[4] While keeping +the play comic Baker still did not wish to push the audience too far. + +In December, 1708 he made his fourth and (as it proved) final try for fame +and fortune in the theatre with _The fine Lady's Airs,_ He claims that it +was well received (see Dedication) and he had his third night, but +D'Urfey, whose enmity Baker had incurred, says (Pref. to _The Modern +Prophets_) that the play was "hist," and _The British Apollo_, which +carried on a feud with Baker in August and September of 1709, makes the +same assertion in several places.[5] This, to be sure, is testimony from +enemies. But obviously the play was far less liked than _Tunbridge-Walks_ +had been, and thus (to compare a small man with a great one) Baker's +experience was something like Congreve's, when, after the great success of +_Love for Love, The Way of the World_ won only a tepid reception. And it +is chiefly Congreve whom he takes for his model; the play is an attempt at +a level of comedy higher than Baker had aimed at before. He does not +always succeed: Congreve's kind of writing was not natural to Baker, and +the lines sometimes labor. Still, the Bleinheim-Lady Rodomont duel has +merit; and Sir Harry Sprightly (though of course he owes something to +Farquhar's Wildair), Mrs. Lovejoy, and Major Bramble are all in Baker's +best manner. On the whole it was a better play than the audience in 1708 +deserved. Presumably Baker felt this, for he wrote no more for the stage. + +Most of the account of Baker's life pulled together in the DNB article on +him has a decidedly apocryphal ring to it. The statement (first made in +_The Poetical Register_, 1719) that he was "Son of an Eminent Attorney of +the City of London" sounds like something manufactured out of whole cloth +by a compiler who in fact had no idea whose son Baker was. The _Biographia +Dramatica_ had "heard" that the effeminate Maiden in _Tunbridge-Walks_ + + was absolutely, and without exaggeration, a portrait of the author's + own former character, whose understanding having at length pointed + out to him the folly he had so long been guilty-of, he reformed it + altogether ... and wrote this character, in order to ... warn others + from that rock of contempt, which he had himself for some time been + wrecked on. + +Nothing on its face more improbable than this could well be imagined. +And that Baker could have "died ... of that loathsome Distemper the +_Morbus Pediculosus_" (sketch of him in _Scanderbeg,_ 1747) does not sound +likely, either.[6] + +A lead to more solid information is furnished by the circumstance of +Baker's having been educated at Oxford. We have seen (above) that he was +barely twenty-one when _The Humour of the Age_ was printed in March of +1701. A Thomas Baker, son of John Baker of Ledbury, Hereford, was entered +at Brasenose College, Oxford, on March 18, 1697, aged seventeen.[7] The +ages falling so pat, this must be our dramatist. Upon taking his B.A. at +Christ Church in 1700 he must immediately have set to scribbling his first +play (the Dedication says that it was "writ in two months last summer"). +Perhaps at this time he lived in London in some such boarding-house as +furnishes the scene for the play. + +He may have been already studying law, for at least by 1709 (we cannot +tell how much earlier) he was "by trade an Attorney."[8] It seems likely +that various touches in the comedies reflect his training for this +calling. In _The Humour of the Age_, Pun and Quibble, the principal fops, +are a pair of articled law-clerks who detest green-bags and (it comes +out at one point) are collaborating on a play. (Readers of the present +reprint will note, also, that the money which Master Totty brings with him +from the country is to recompense an attorney for training him in law). +Perhaps Baker could never afford to study law as those well off did: there +may be a tinge of sour grapes in the observation in _Tunbridge-Walks_ that +"since the Lawyers are all turn'd Poets, and have taken the Garrets in +Drury Lane, none but Beaus live in the Temple now, who have sold all +their Books, burnt all their Writings, and furnish'd the Rooms with +Looking-glass and China." But this is light-hearted, as becomes a man who +has not yet had a setback as a stage-poet. Two years later, after the +stopping of _An Act at Oxford_ had put him to much trouble, he is souring +somewhat, for the poor Oxford scholar says in _Hampstead Heath_ that no +profession nowadays offers much prospect of success for a man trained +as he, and, as for poetry, one can only expect to be "two years writing +a Play, and sollicit three more to get it acted; and for present +Sustenance one's forc'd to scribble _The Diverting Post, A Dialogue +between Charing-Cross and Bow Steeple_, and Elegies upon People that are +hang'd." + +When in December 1708 _The Fine Lady's Airs_ gained only a moderate +success Baker must have thought of a living in the Church as a _pis +aller_, for he enrolled at Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge, March 8, +1709, and took an M.A. there the same year. In a final attempt to succeed +with his pen he seems to have tried periodical journalism in the guise of +"Mrs. Crackenthorpe" in _The Female Tatler. The British Apollo_, at least, +pinned this on him. "The author poses as a woman," it says, in effect, +"and some may thus be taken in," + + But others will swear that this wise Undertaker + By Trade's an At--ney, by Name is a B--r, + Who rambles about with a Female Disguise on + And lives upon Scandal, as Toads do on Poyson.[9] + +Perhaps it was this which, taken quite literally, produced the _Biographia +Dramatica's_ canard as to Baker's effeminacy (see above). + +After grinding out a greater or less amount of this hack-work,[10] Baker +gave up trying to write. His disappearance from the scene thereafter is +accounted for by his appointment (1711) to a living in Bedfordshire, where +he was Rector of Bolnhurst till his death, and (1716-31) Vicar of +Ravensden. As the Bolnhurst school was founded upon a bequest from him in +1749,[11] he presumably died in that year--but not, I should guess, of +_morbus pediculosus_. + +_John Harrington Smith +University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +NOTES TO INTRODUCTION + +[Footnote 1: The other was William Burnaby. His plays have been given a +modern editing by F.E. Budd (Scholartis Press, 1931).] + +[Footnote 2: Nicoll, _Early Eighteenth Century Drama_, Handlist of Plays. +For all subsequent statements as to dates of production I follow this +source.] + +[Footnote 3: It was still too lively, however, to be acted outside London. +The Harvard Theatre Collection has a copy once owned by Joe Haines with +"cuts" designed to soften it for playing in the provinces. Such lines as, +"The Godly never go to Taverns, but get drunk every Night at one another's +Houses," "Citizens are as fond of their Wives, as their Wives are of other +People," and "Virtue's an Impossibility ... every Citizen's Wife pretends +to't," are carefully expunged.] + +[Footnote 4: E.g., Bloom to Mrs. Driver, "One moment into that Closet, if +it be but to read the Practice of Piety" becomes "One Moment into that +Closet, Dear, dear Creature; they say it's mighty prettily furnish'd," And +in her aside, "I vow, I've a good mind; but Virtue--the Devil, I ne're was +so put to't i' my Life," for the words "the Devil" are substituted the +words "and Reputation."] + +[Footnote 5: No. 50, Sept. 14; No. 61, Oct. 26.] + +[Footnote 6: According to the impression I have of this "morbus" it was a +skin-ailment particularly appropriated to beggars, who might contract it +upon long exposure to filth and louse-bites. Even then, though there would +doubtless be a certain amount "of discomfort about it, it would scarcely +prove fatal.] + +[Footnote 7: This and subsequent vital statistics as to Baker's university +and clerical career are from the account of him in J. and J.A. Venn, +_Alumni Cantabrigienses_, 1922 _et sq_.] + +[Footnote 8: _British Apollo_, No. 49, Sept. 14, 1709.] + +[Footnote 9: _Ibid._] + +[Footnote 10: Both Paul Bunyan Anderson, "The history and authorship of +Mrs. Crackenthorpe's _Female Tatler_," _MP_, XXVIII (1931), 354-60, and +Walter Graham, "Thomas Baker, Mrs. Manley, and _The Female Tatler_," _MP_, +XXXIV (1937), 267-72, think that some, at least, of the _F.T._ is from +Baker's pen, but they disagree as to what part and how much. I am +considering the matter and may have an opinion to express in future.] + +[Footnote 11: _Victoria History of Bedfordshire_, II, 181 n.; III, 128.] + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. +A +COMEDY. + + +As it is Acted at the +THEATRE-ROYAL IN _DRURY-LANE._ + +Written by the Author of the _Yeoman of Kent_. + + +_LONDON_: + +Printed for BERNARD LINTOTT at the _Cross-Keys_, between +the Two _Temple_ Gates in _Fleetstreet_. + +Price 1_s._ 6_d_. + + + + +TO + +Sir _ANDREW FONTAINE_ + + +To Address a Man of your Character, gives me greater Concern than to +finish the most Elaborate Play, and support the various Conflicts which +naturally attend ev'ry Author; how the Town in general will receive it. + +To harangue some of the First Quality, whose Titles are the greatest +Illustration we can give 'em, is a sort of Common-Place Oratory; which +Poets may easily vary in copying from one another; but, when I'm speaking +to the most finish'd young Gentleman any Age has produced, whose +distinguish'd Merits exact the nicest Relation, I feel my inability, and +want a Genius barely to touch on those extraordinary Accomplishments, +which You so early, and with so much ease, have made Your self perfect +Master of. + +But, when I reflect on the Affability of Your Temper, the generous and +obliging Reception, You always gave me, and the ingaging Sweetness of Your +Conversation, I'm the more incourag'd to pay my Duty to You in this +Nature, fully persuading my self, You'll lay aside the Critick, by +considering, in how many Respects, Your condescending Goodness has shown +You are my Friend. + +The vast stock of Learning You acquir'd in Your Non-age, has manifested to +the World, that a Scholar, and a fine Gentleman are not Inconsistent, and +rendered You so matchless an Ornament to the University of _Oxford_, +particularly to _Christ-Church-_College, where You imbib'd it. + +'Tis a Misfortune that attends many of our _English_ Gentlemen to set out +for Travel without any Foundation; and wanting a Tast of Letters, and the +Knowledge of their own Country, the Observations they make Abroad, to +reflect no further, are generally useless and impertinent. + +But You so plentifully were furnish'd with all this Kingdom afforded, that +Foreign Languages became Natural to You, and the unparallell'd Perfections +You accumulated Abroad, particularly Your most Judicious and Critical +Collection of Antiquities, made You so eminently Conspicuous, and justly +Admir'd at the Great Court of _Hannover_, and since Your Return, have so +cordially recommended You to the good Graces of the most Discerning +Nobleman in the Kingdom. + +Amongst other Degrees of Knowledge, I have heard You express some value +for Poetry; which, cou'd one imitate Your right Tast of those less +profitable Sciences, who permit it but at some Seasons, as a familiar +Companion to relieve more serious Thoughts, and prevent an Anxiety, which, +the constant Application, You have always been inclin'd to give harder +Studies, might probably draw on You, is an Amusement worthy the greatest +Head-piece. But 'tis so deluding a Genius, Dramatick Poetry especially, +that many are insensibly drawn into to it, 'till it becomes a Business. To +avoid that Misfortune, I'm now almost fix'd to throw it intirely by, and +wou'd fain aim at something which may prove more serviceable to the +Publick, and beneficial to my self. + +Cou'd I have the Vanity to hope your Approbation of this _Comedy_, 'twou'd +be so current a Stamp to it, that none, who have the Honour to know You, +wou'd pretend to dispute it's Merit; but tho' I'm satisfy'd in Your good +Nature, I must be aw'd with Your Judgment; and am sensible there are +Errors in it infinitely more obvious to Your Eye, than a greater Part of +the Polite World; however, as it had the Fortune to be well receiv'd, and +by some of the best Judges esteem'd much preferable to any of my former, +and as it was highly favour'd the Third Night with as beautiful an +Appearance of Nobility, and other fine Ladies, as ever yet Grac'd a +Theatre. I hope, you'll in some measure Protect it, at least that you'll +pardon this Presumption, since I have long pleas'd my self with the Hopes, +and impatiently waited an Opportunity of publickly declaring how much I +am, + +_SIR_, + +_Your most Devoted, +and Obedient humble Servant_, + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +Written by Mr. MOTTEUX. + + +_So long the solitary Stage has mourn'd, +Sure now you're pleas'd to find our Sports return'd. +When Warriors come triumphant, all will smile, +And Love wirh Conquest crown the Toyls of_ Lille. +_Tho from the Field of Glory you're no Starters, +Few love all Fighting, and no Winter-Quarters. +Chagrin French Generals cry_, Gens temerare +_Dare to take_ Lille! _We only take the Air. +No, bravely, with the Pow'rs of_ Spain _and_ France, +_We will--Entrench; and stand--at a distance: +We'll starve 'em--if they please not to advance. +Long thus, in vain, were the Allies defy'd, +But 'twas ver cold by that damn'd River Side. +So as they came too late, and we were stronger, +Scorn the Poltrons, we cry'd-- +March off;_ morbleu, _we'll stay for 'em no longer; +The little Monsieurs their Disgrace may own, +Now ev'n the Grand ones makes their Scandal known. + +Mean while, without you half our Season's wasted. +Before 'tis_ Lent _sufficiently we've fasted. +No matter how our Op'ra Folks did fare, +Too full a Stomach do's the Voice impair._ +Nay, you your selves lost by't; for saunt'ring hither +You're safe from all but Love, four Hours together. +Some idle Sparks with dear damnd Stuff, call'd Wine, +Got drunk by Eight, and perhaps sows'd by Nine, +O'er Politicks and Smoke some rail'd some writ, +The Wiser yawn'd, or nodded o'er their Wit. +O'er Scandal, Tea, Cards, or dull am'rous Papers, +The Ladies had the Spleen, the Beaux the Vapors. +Some went among the Saints without Devotion; +Nay more, 'tis fear'd went thro' a wicked Motion. +But the kind Female Traders well may boast, +When we're shut up, their Doors are open'd most. + +I dare engage, they, by the Vint'ners back'd, +Wou'd raise a Fund, so they alone might act. +With them 'tis ne'er Vacation, tho' we lose, +The Courts shut up, they Chamber Practice use. + +Since therefore without Plays, tho' call'd a Curse, +The Good grow bad, the Bad grow worse and worse, +Show misled Zeal what Ills infest the Age, +And truly to reform, support the_ British _Stage_. + + + + Dramatis Personæ. + +MEN. + +Sir _Harry Sprightly_. Mr._Mills_. + +Brigadier _Blenheim_, just return'd from the Army. Mr._Wilks_ + +Mr. _Nicknack_, a Beau-Merchant. Mr._Cibber_. + +_Major Bramble_, a factious old Fellow. Mr._Johnson._ + +Master _Totty_, a great Boy. Mr._Bullock_. + +_Knapsack_, an Attendant on the _Collonel_. Mr._Pinkethman_. + +_Shrimp_, Sir Harry's Valet. Mr._Norris_. + + +WOMEN. + +Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Oldfield_. + +Lady _Toss-up_. Mrs._Porter_. + +Mrs. _Lovejoy_, Cousin to Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Bradshaw_. + +Mrs. _Flimsy_, Lady _Toss-up's_ Woman. Mrs._Saunders_. + +_Orange-Woman._ Mr. _Pack_. + +_Mercer, Manto-Maker, Sempstress, Toyman, India-Woman,_ +and other Attendants. + + +SCENE LONDON. + +In the Month of _December_. + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. + + + + +ACT I. SCENE I. + + + _Sir_ Harry _discover'd dressing; and_ Shrimp _attending_. + +Sir _Har_. Where had you been last Night, you drunken Dog, that you +cou'dn't take care of me when I was drunk. + +_Shr_. I happen'd, Sir, to meet with some very honest Gentlemen, that have +the Honour to wait upon other Gentlemen, where Wit and Humour brighten'd +to that degree, we pass'd about the Glass, 'till we lost our Senses. + +Sir _Har_. Wit, you Rascal! Have you Scoundrels the impudence to suppose +your selves reasonable Creatures? + +_Shr_. Sir, we are as much below Learning, indeed, as our Masters are +above it; but why mayn't a Servant have as good natural Parts? + +Sir _Har_. Mend your Manners, Sirrah; or you shall serve the Queen. + +_Shr_. Ev'ry Man ought to mend his Manners, Sir, that pretends to a Place +at Court; but the Queen's mightily oblig'd to some People.--Has a +Gentleman an impudent rakish Footman, not meaning my self, Sir, that wears +his Linen, fingers his Money, and lies with his Mistress;--You Dog, you +shall serve the Queen.--Has a Tradesman a Fop Prentice, that airs out his +Horses, and heats his Wife, or an old Puritan a graceless Son, that runs +to the Play-House instead of the Meeting, they are threathen'd with the +Queen's Service; so that Her Majesty's good Subjects, drink her Health, +wish success to her Arms, and send her all the Scoundrels i'the Nation. + +Sir _Har_. Fellows that han't sense to value a Civil Employment are +necessary to front an Army, whose thick Sculls may repulse the first Fury +of the Enemy's Cannon Bullets. + +_Shr_. I hope, then, the _English_ are so wise to let the _Dutch_ march +foremost.--But why, Sir, shou'd you Gentlemen ingross all the Pleasures +o'Life, and not allow us poor Dogs to imitate you in our own Sphere;--You +wear lac'd Coats; We lac'd Liv'ries;--You play at Picquet; We at +All-Fours;--You get drunk with Burgundy; We with Geneva;--You pinck Holes +with your Swords; We crack Sculls with our Sticks;--You are Gentlemen; We +are hang'd. + +Sir _Har_. A fine Relation; but, methinks, the latter Part of it might +deter you from such Courses. + +_Shr_. I'm a Predestinarian, Sir; which is an Argument of a great Soul, +and will no more baulk a drunken Frolick, than I would a pretty Lady that +takes a Fancy to me. + +Sir _Har_. No more of your Impertinence; attend, I hear Company (Shrimp +_goes to the Door_) Brigadier _Blenheim_ return'd from the Army! + + _Enter_ Collonel, _and_ Knapsack. + +Sir _Har_. My noblest, dearest Collonel, let me imbrace you as a +_Britain_, and as a Friend. _Ajax_ ne'er boasted _English_ Valour; +_Ulysses_ ne'er such Conduct; nor _Alexander_ such Successes. The Queen +rejoices; the Parliament vote you Thanks; and ev'ry honest Loyal Heart +bounds at our General's Name. + +_Col_. Ay, Sir _Harry_, to be thus receiv'd, rewards the Soldier's Toils; +and, faith, we have maul'd the fancy _French-men,_ near Twenty Thousand we +left fast asleep, taught the remaining few a new Minuet-step, and sent 'em +home to sing _Te Deum_. + +_Knap_. Ay, Sir, and if they are not satisfied, next Campaign the +_English_ shall stand still, and laugh at their Endeavours; the _Dutch_ +Snigger-snee 'em; the _Scotch_ Cook them; and the wild _Irish_ eat 'em. + +_Col_. Oh! The glorious Din of War; the Energy of a good Cause, and the +Emulation of a brave Confederacy.--To sound the Charge; Make a vigorous +Attack, the Enemy gives ground,--To pour on fresh Vollies of a sure +Destruction, and return deafn'd with shouts o' Victory, and adorn'd with +glitt'ring Standards of the vanquish'd Foe. + +_Knap_. To hang up in _Westminster-Hall_, and make the Lawyers stare off +their Briefs;--But the Harmony of sounding a Retreat,--to hug my self with +two Arms, and walk substantially upon both my Pedestals, or the health of +Mind in lying sick at _Amsterdam_. + +_Col_. Ay, here's a sorry Rascal, that lags always behind, and is afraid +to look Death i'the Face. + +_Knap_. Why, really, Sir, 'tisn't manners to march before the _Colonel_; +and upon a warm Engagement, I have heard you talk musically of good +Conduct. Besides, that Mr._ Death_ is but a Hatchet-face Beau, so lean, +and wither'd like an old Dutchess, or a Doctor o' Physick, I had as live +see the Devil. + +Sir _Har_. But when the Lines are forc'd, the Enemy slain, and the Placs +loaded with rich Plunder.-- + +_Knap_. None so nimble, none so valiant, none so expert as your very +humble Servant _Nehemiah Knapsack_. + +_Col_. But, who are the raigning Beauties o'the Age? What Favours will +they grant a Soldier after a hard Campaign, fatiguing Marches, desp'rate +Attempts, and narrow Escapes, to preserve them from Rapine, Violence, and +Slav'ry, that they may laugh away the Day in gay Diversions, and pass the +silent Night in silver Slumbers on their Downy Beds? + +Sir _Har_. Just as many Favours as you have Money or _Mechlin_ Lace to +purchase: Women apprehend not the Danger of War, and therefore have no +Notion of Gratitude. + +_Coll_. Oh! The thoughts of scatt'ring small Shot among the sparkling +Tribe, to feast my Senses upon dear Variety, have ev'ry Day a new dazling +Beauty, and ev'ry Hour to taste the Joys of Love. + +Sir _Har_. Don't fancy, _Collonel_, because you have beat the _French_ you +must conquer all the Ladies; there are Women that dare resist you boldly, +will exact your Courage beyond attacking a Fortress, and maintain a hotter +Engagement. + +_Col._ If you mean Women of the Town, some of 'em wou'd give a Man a warm +Reception--Yet I long to be traversing the _Park_, ogling at the Play, +peeping up at Windows, and ferreting the Warren o' _Covent-Garden_, till I +seize on some skittish dapper Doxie, whose pretty black Eyes, dimpling +Cheeks, heaving Breasts, and soft Caresses, wou'd melt a Man--for half a +Guinea. + +_Knap_. How I long too, to wheedle in with some Buxom Widow, that keeps a +Victualling-House, to provide me with Meat, Drink, Washing and Lodging--to +find out some delicious Chamber-Maid, that will pawn her best Mohair-Gown, +sell even her Silver-Thimble, and rob her Mistress to shew how truly she +loves me; or intrigue with some Heroick Sempstress, that will call me her +_Artaxerxes_, her _Agamemnon_, and give me six new Shirts. + +Sir _Har_. And now the tedious Summer is elaps'd, and Winter ushers in +neglected Joys; Armies march home victorious from the Field, Ladies from +Parks and Plains that mourn'd their absence; a Croud of Pleasures glut the +varying Appetite, and Friends long absent meet with gayest Transports. + +_Col_. Ay, Winter is the gay, the happy Season: I hate a Solitary Rural +Life, as if one were at variance with the World; to walk with Arms +a-cross, admire Nature's Works in Woods and Groves, talk to the Streams, +and tell the Trees our Passion, while Eccho's make a Mock at all we say-- +Give me the shining Town, the glittering Theatres; there Nature best is +seen in Beauteous Boxes, where Beaus transported with the Heavenly Sight, +the little God sits pleas'd in ev'ry Eye, and Actors dart new Vigour from +the Stage, supported By the Spirit of full Pay--But what great Fortunes +buz about the Town; Red-Coats have carry'd off good store of Heiresses, +and that's the sure, tho' not the sweetest Game; besides, Sir _Harry_, +they talk of Peace, and we that have nothing but the Sword to trust to, +ought to provide against that dreadful Day. + +_Knap_. Really, Sir, I have had some Thoughts of Marriage too; there's +nothing like being settl'd, to have a House of one's own, and Attendants +about one; besides, I'm the last Male, of a very ancient Family, and +shou'd I die without Children, the _Knap-sacks_ wou'd be quite extinct. + +Sir _Har._ The Talk, the Pride, and Envy of the Town is Lady _Rodomont_, +whose Wit surprizes, whose Beauty ravishes, and a clear Estate of Six +thousand a Year distracts the admiring Train; but the Misfortune is, she +has Travell'd, had Experience, well vers'd in Gallantries of various +Courts; she admits Coquets, and rallies each Pretender, so resolutely fond +of Liberty, she slights the most accomplish'd of Mankind, there _Collonel_ +is a Siege to prove a _Roman_ or a _Grecian_ Bravery. + +_Col._ A _Roman_ or a _Grecian_, say you, bold _Britains_ laugh at all +their baubling Fights; and had _Achilles_, with his batt'ring Rams, felt +half the Fury of an _English_ General, _Troy_ had ne'er bully'd out a Ten +Years Siege--but Ladies are more craftily subdu'd; you mustn't storm a +Nymph with Sword and Pistol, pursue her as you wou'd a tatter'd +_Frenchman_, push her Attendants into the _Danube_, then seize her, and +clap her into a Coach--I'll baffle her at her own Argument, swear I'd not +wed a _Phoenix_ of her Sex, and laugh at Dress and Beauty, Wit and +Fortune, when purchas'd only at the Price of Liberty--then sweeten her +again with ogling Smiles, look Babies in her Eyes, and vow she's handsome; +and when she thinks each artful Glance has caught me, that now's the time +to Conquer, and to Laugh, and with malicious Cunning mentions Marriage, +I'll start, and change, and beg her not to name it, for 'tis a Thought +that rouses Madness in me, 'till out of Spight and Spleen, and Woman's +Curiosity, the Knot's abruptly ty'd, to prove my feign'd Resolves, and +boast her Power. + +Sir _Har._ Tis well design'd, and may the Soldier animate the Lover: For +my part, I'm so devoted to my Pleasures, and so strangely bigotted to a +single Life, I have sold an Estate of Two thousand a Year, to buy an +Annuity of Four: I love to Rake and Rattle thro' the Town, and each +Amusement, as it happens, pleases. The Ladies call me Mad Sir _Harry_, a +Careless, Affable, Obliging Fellow, whom, when they want, they send for. I +wear good Cloaths to 'Squire'em up and down; have Wit enough to Chat, and +make'em Giggle, and Sense enough to keep their Favours secret--But from +Romantick Love, Good Heav'n defend me. A Moment's Joy's not worth an Age's +Courtship; and when the Nymph's Demure, and Dull and Shy, and Foolish and +Freakish, and Fickle, there are Billiards at the _Smyrna_, Bowles at +_Marybone_, and Dice at the _Groom-Porter_'s--Are you for the Noon-Park. + +_Col._ With all my Heart. + +Sir _Har._ There the _Beau-Monde_ appear in all their Splendour--Here, +_Shrimp_, [_Enters._] entertain the _Collonel_'s Servant--An Hour hence +you'll hear of us at _White_'s. [_Exeunt._ + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_, are you for a Dish of _Bohee_: My Master has been +just drinking, and the Water boils-- +[_Goes out, and returns with a Tea-Table._ + +_Knap._ Not to incommode you about it, Mr. _Shrimp_. + +_Shr._ Well, Mr. _Knapsack_, we brave _Britains_ conquer all before us: +Why you have done Wonders this Campaign. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, the Name of an _English_ General Thunder-strikes +the _French_, as much as it invigorates the Allies; for when he comes, he +cuts you off Ten or Twenty thousand, with the same Ease as a Countryman +wou'd mow down an Acre of Corn; tho', after all, I was in some pain for +our Forces, not being able to do 'em any personal Service; for you must +know, Mr. _Shrimp_, I am mightily subject to Convulsions, and just before +ev'ry Engagement I was unluckily seiz'd with so violent a Fit, they were +forc'd to carry me back to the next wall'd Town. + +_Shr._ Are you for much Sugar in your Tea, Sir? + +_Knap._ As much as you please, Sir. + +_Shr._ Have you made many Campaigns, Mr. _Knapsack_? + +_Knap._ This was the first, Mr. _Shrimp_, and I'm not positive that I +shall ever make another; for next Summer, I believe, some Business of +moment will confine me to this Kingdom--Pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, why don't you +exert your self in the Service; the Gentlemen of the Army wou'd be glad of +so sprightly an Officer as you among 'em. + +_Shr._ O dear, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm of so unfortunate a Stature, they'd +trample me under their Feet; besides, I have no Genius to Fighting; I +cou'd like a Commission in a Beau-Regiment, that always stays at home, +because a Scarlet-Lac'd-Suit, a Sash and Feather command Respect, keep off +Creditors, and make the Ladies fly into our Arms. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, I don't doubt but you have good store +of Mistresses. Why you look a little thin upon the matter, ha! + +_Shr._ No, no, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm as moderate at that Sport, as any Man; +I must own, when a pretty Lady comes betimes in a Morning to my Master, +and he, poor Gentleman, is in a dead Sleep with hard Drinking, I do now +and then take her into the next Room, play the Fool with her a little till +my Master wakes, then give her a Dram of Surfeit-Water, and put her to Bed +to him, now there's Safety in such an Amour, for my Master hasn't his +Mistresses from a profess'd Baud; I have found him out a conscientious old +Gentlewoman, that's one of the sober Party, and acquainted with most +Citizens Daughters, that have as much Inclination to turn Whores as a +Chamber-Maid out of Place, and the old Lady is so passionately fond of my +Master, because he was once so charitable to do her the Favour, she sends +him the choicest of all her Ware--but to pick up a dirty Drab in the +Eighteen-penny-Gallery, with a rusty black Top-knot, a little Flower in +her Hair, a turn'd Smock, and no Stockings, the Jade wou'd poyson you like +Eighteen-penny-Wine. + +_Knap._ I find, Mr. _Shrimp_, you Gentlemens Gentlemen have all your Cues. + +_Shr._ Ah! Mr. _Knapsack_, there's more goes to the finishing of a true +Valet, than tying a Wig smartly, or answering a Dun genteely. I have +sometimes such weighty Matters warring in my Brains, and a greater +Conflict with my self how I shall manage 'em, than a Merchant's +Cash-keeper, that's run away with two thousand Pounds, and can't resolve +whether he shall trust the Government with it, or put it into the _East +India_ Company--I only wish it were my Fate to serve some Statesman in +Business; for Pimping often tosses a Man into a Place of three hundred a +Year, when Mony shall be refus'd, Merit repuls'd, and Relations thought +impudent for pretending to't.--But, I believe, Mr. _Knapsack_, our Hour's +elaps'd, for tho' our Masters may n't want us, we that are at Board-wages +love to smell out where they dine. + +_Knap._ The Motion, Mr. _Shrimp_, is admirable, for really the Tea begins +to rake my Guts confoundedly. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomont's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy, _follow'd by a Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, the Mercer, the Manto-Maker, the Sempstress, the +India-Woman, and the Toy-Man attend your Ladiship without. + +L. _Rod._ Admit 'em,--this Grandeur, Cozen, which those o' Quality assume +above the Populace, to have obsequious Mechanicks wait our Levee in a +Morning, is not disagreeable; then they are as constant as our Menials, +and the less Mony one pays 'em, the more constantly they attend. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Those Ladies, Madam, that want Mony to pay 'em, wou'd gladly +excuse their Attendance. + +L. _Rod._ Cozen, 'tis Ill-breeding to suppose People o' Quality want Mony, +they have Business, Visits, Company, and very often are not in a Humour to +part with it; when we have Mony, we are easie, whether we pay it or no; +and 'tis affronting the Nobility, not to observe their Decorums. + + _The Trades-People Enter._ + +[_To the Mercer._] Mr. _Farendine_, this Silk has so glaring a Mixture of +preposterous Colours, I shall be taken for a North Country Bride; and so +very substantial, I believe you design'd it for my Heirs and Successours. + +_Mer._ Madam, 'tis a very well wrought Silk. + +L. _Rod._ So well wrought, it may serve one in a Family for twenty +Generations.--Have you sold any Wedding Suits lately? + +_Mer._ Yes, Madam, I sold a yellow and white Damask, lin'd with a Cherry +and blew Sattin, and a Goslin green Petticoat to Mrs. _Winifred Widgeon_ +i'the Peak, that marry'd Squire _Hog_ o' _Darby_,--'twas her Grandmother +_Trott_'s Fancy. + +L. _Rod._ Nay, those old Governants, that were Dames of Honour to Queen +_Bess_, make their Daughters appear as monstrous in this Age, as they +themselves did in that.--Well, Mr. _Farendine_, when you have any thing +slight and pretty, let me see it. [_To the Manto-Maker_] Mrs. _Flounce_, +this Sleeve is most abominably cut. + +_Mant. Mak._ Madam, 'tis exacly the Shape of my Lady _Snipe's_, and she s +allow'd to be the Pink o'the Mode. + +L. _Rod._ My Lady _Snipe_, who ever heard of her? + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Madam, that's the over-dress'd Lady in _Fuller's Rents_, +the first in _England_, that wore Flow'rs in her Hair; She has 5000_l._ +indeed, but they say 'tis in bad Hands, and the Town has neglected her +these ten Years. + +L. _Rod._ And wou'd you have me appear like a Turn-stile Creature? why +d'you work for such Trumpery? have you not Business enough from Court. + +_Mant. Mak._ Truly, Madam, I'm glad to accept of a Gown from any Body; for +the Ladies, now-a-days, are grown so saving, they make all their +Petticoats themselves. + +L. _Rod._ Don't you work into the City too? + +_Mant. Mak._ Yes, Madam, I have eleven Gowns to finish against Sunday, for +very good Customers, and very religious People. + +L. _Rod._ Religious People! This Creature is so employ'd by the +_Canaille_, I shall have my Cloths cut to pieces, dear Cozen, let _Buda_ +make me a Suit with Expedition, I'll present this to the Play-House. + +_Semp._ Does your Ladyship like your Head, Madam? + +L. _Rod._ The Lace, Mrs. _Taffety_, is so course and so heavy, I'm ready +to sink beneath the weight of it. + +_Semp._ Madam, 'tis right _Mechlin_, cost me Six Guineas a Yard, and I +bought it too of a Merchant, that has smuggl'd many a hundred Pounds +worth. + +L. _Rod._ There you please me, English People are extremely fond of what's +forbid, we commonly obey our Parents, and the Government much a-like; and +tho' the State prohibits _Flanders_ Lace, French Alamodes, and India +Sattins, we have 'em all by the way of _Holland_.--These Ruffles too are +so furiously starch'd, I shall throw People down as I move along. + +_Semp._ The Ladies, Madam, love a stiff Ruffle, for shou'd the Wind blow +it aside, your Ladyship's Elbow might catch cold, but I'll slacken my Hand +i'the next.--Does your Ladyship want a very fine short Apron? + +L. _Rod._ Women o' Quality, Mrs. _Taffety_ have left 'em off, and those +Ladies that do wear 'em, generally make 'em of their old Top-knots +[_to the India Woman_] Mrs. _Japan_, you are a Stranger here, I hav'n't +seen you since I paid off your last Bill, + +_Ind. Wom._ Oh, Madam! I have been at Death's Door, the Hypocondriacks +have so prey'd upon my Spirits, they have destroy'd my Constitution, such +Rotations i'my Head, such an Oppression at my Stomach--but I ha' brought +you a Pound of Bohee, so purifying, 'twill give your Ladyship a new Mass +of Blood in a Quarter of an Hour. + +L. _Rod._ Mrs. _Chince_ has much better. + +_Ind. Wom._ Then will I eat Mrs. _Chince_.--Shall I show you some fine +India Pictures? + +L. _Rod._ I hate those Shadows o' Men half finish'd. + +_Ind Wom._ I must own the Substance of a Man well finish'd is much +better,--but here's a Set o'_Japan_ Cups will ravish your Ladyship, a +Tradesman's Wife long'd, and miscarry'd about 'em. + +L. _Rod._ I'm overstock'd with _China_, and they say 'tis grown so common. +I intend to sacrifice mine to my Monkey. + +_Ind. Wom._ Nay, pray, my Lady, buy somewhat of me, you know I'm in great +Tribulation, I trusted a couple of Trollops, that were turn'd out of the +Play-House, for having too much Assurance for the Stage, and set up a +little Shop in _Spring Garden_; and the bold Jades are gone a stroling +Fifty Pounds in my Debt. Besides, I have just now a lazy Trull of a +Daughter, that run away with a Foot Soldier, return'd big with the Lord +knows what, and that's no small Charge to me, that am forc'd to pad it +about for a Livelihood. + +L. _Rod._ Well, you may leave a Pound of Powder. + +_Ind. Wom._ [_Aside._] A Pound of Powder, pox o'your Generosity, these +great Ladies are grown as stingy as if they paid one ready Mony, were it +not for a City-bubble now and then, I might e'en go dance with the Dogs in +_May-Fair_. + +L. _Rod._ [_To the Toy-Man._] Mr. _Gimcrack_, what new Fancies have you +brought this Morning? + +_Toy-M._ A Pair of nice _Genoa_ Gloves for your Ladyship, curiously made +up in a gilt Wallnut Shell. + +L. _Rod_ A Wallnut Shell! they can't be large enough. + +_Toy-M._ Madam, I sold six Pair to my Lady _Strammell_, and her Arm's nine +Inches Diameter. + +L. _Rod._ What else have you? + +_Toy-M._ A choice Comb for your Eye-brows, Madam, an acute Pair o' +Pinchers for your Hair, and a most ingenious French Knife to slice the +Powder of your Ladyship's Forehead, with Tongs, Shovels, Grates, and +Fenders for your Ladyship's Tea-Table. + +L. _Rod._ Well, carry the things in, let your Bills be deliver'd to the +Steward, and I'll order some part of your Mony. + +_All._ We humbly thank your Ladyship. [_Exeunt._ + +L. _Rod._ Now, Cozen, we have dispatch'd these necessary Animals; pray, +tell me how the Town relishes my Appearance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Your Ladyship's inimitable Graces, and our vast Successes +abroad are the Topicks that furnish all Conversation; one Lady cries at +the gilt Chariot, another swoons at the prancing Horses; and my old Lady +_Lack-it_, swears you have so handsom a Set of Foot-men, the dreams of +nothing else; then your Ladyship's Furniture is most surprizing, ev'ry +thing was so admir'd, and handl'd last Visiting-day, the Ladies left +little of it behind 'em. + +L. _Rod. Bagatelle_! Ladies steal from one another, not for the Value of +the thing, but to make an Alteration in their Closets.--But what do the +Malitious say, am I envy'd, Cozen, I wou'd n't ha' the Fatigue of an +Estate, unless I cou'd make the World uneasie about it. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Spleen, Spleen, Madam, to the last Degree--my Lady +_Testy_ has tore fifty Fans about you, broke all her China, and beat her +Foot-man's Eye out; she says, 'tis a burning Shame, you monopolize all the +Fellows in the Town; and truly, there's a Statute against ingrossing.--My +Lady _Prudence Maxim_, cries, _A fine Estate is a fine Thing, finely +manag'd, but to overdo at first, to undo at last_. And Mrs. _Indigo_, the +Merchant's Wife, says, _If you knew the getting on't, you wou'd n't spend +it so fast_. + +L. _Rod._ I have six thousand a Year, and resolve to live single, and +enjoy it; I have made the Tour of _Italy_ and _France_, have given my self +the Accomplishment of both Sexes, and design to Visit, Game, Revel, dust +the Park, haunt the Theatres, and out-flutter e'er a Fop i'the Nation; and +I know not why a Lady that has the best Estate i'the County shou'd n't +represent 'em in Parliament. + +Mrs. _Lov._ But launching out too far, Madam, may draw Reflections on your +Conduct, the English Ladies are more reserv'd than Foreigners. + +L. _Rod._ The English Ladies! Shall a Corner of _Europe_ teach me +Decorums, that have travers'd the whole. The French Ladies admire my +Gayety; the Italians are ravish'd with my Grandeur, and if the English +Ladies do blame my Conduct, who values the Censure of a little Island.-- +Oh! what Transports do I feel, to provoke the Eyes and Whispers of the +Multitude,--Whose Equipage is that--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Whose +Visiting-day is it--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Who bespoke the Play to Night-- +My Lady _Rodomont_?--But when she's once marry'd--What "Gentlewoman's that +with the great Belly--Sir _Marmaduke Mortgage_'s Wife, that's come to Town +to buy Clouts, her Husband lost his Estate at Roly-poly.--She's mighty Big +indeed, I'm afraid she'll ha' two. Unless one cou'd find out some Plant of +a Husband, with Life and no Soul; a governable, drudging Creature, that +wou'd love, honour and obey his Wife; and know so little of his own +Prerogative, as to change his Name for her. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Really, Madam, I'm o' your Opinion, I'd have Petticoat- +Government pass thro' the Nation; the Ladies shou'd possess the Estates, +and make their Husbands a Jointure. + +L. _Rod._ While a Woman o' Fortune remains unmarry'd, she's a Petty-Queen; +Lovers innumerable trace her Steps; each Coxcomb thinks to be the happy +Man, and ev'ry were her Presence makes a Court--but when her Reason's once +subdu'd by Love, and the fond, foolish Nymph resigns her Pow'r, she's but +a meer _Appendix_ to a Fellow. + + _No more her darling Liberty can boast, + Lovers no more her_ quondam _Beauties toast, + But all her Pleasure, Pride and Charms are lost._ + + +End of the First ACT. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE, _The Park._ + + + _Sir_ Harry_, and the_ Collonel. + +_Col._ Never a loose Lady tripping through the _Park_ to whet one's +Appetite this Morning? + +Sir _Har._ Fie, _Collonel_, refine your Tast;----A common Woman! I'd as +soon dine at a common Ordinary: Give me a Woman of Condition, there's +Pride as well as Pleasure in such an Amour. + +_Col._ Your Women of Condition, Pox on em, are like Noblemen's Dinners, +all Garniture and no Meat, then, the Ceremony of Approach and Retire, +palls a Man's Inclination, 'till he grows indifferent i' the Matter;-- +Wou'd you Charm me, give me a ruddy Country Wench to riffe on the Grass, +with no other resistance than,--What a Dickens, is the Man berwattl'd, you +are an impudent, bold Rogue, and I'll call my Mother: Besides, the fear of +Scandal makes your great Ladies preserve a foolish kind of Virtue, their +Principles wou'd fain get rid of. + +Sir _Har._ You are deceiv'd, _Collonel_, Women of Quality are above +Reputation.--Is it my Lady _Tipple-dram_'s Modesty, or the effect of +Ratifia, that gives her a high Colour in the Drawing-room?--Is my Lady +_Sluggard_'s Religion question'd, that has never been at Church since her +Baptism, or my Lady _Gamesom_'s Virtue suspected for admiring Collonel +_Sturdy_'s Regiment; both Sexes of Rank, now, use what Liberty they please +without censuring one another, and consequently despise the tattling of +Inferiours. + +_Col._ Ha! what pert Fellow's this, that whisks it along in a Silk-Drugget +Suit, with the empty Air of a Fop Mercer, or a Judge's Train-bearer? + +Sir _Har._ Oh! 'Tis young _Nicknack_, a Beau Merchant, his Father dy'd +lately, and left him considerably in Money, he has been bred to business, +with a Liberty of Pleasure, a little vain and affected as most young +Fellows are; but his Foppery is rather pretty and diverting than tiresome +and impertinent. For his Father obliging him still to live in the City, +and follow Business, he has turn'd Commerce into a Jest, and calls +himself, The Ladies Merchant; for he imports nothing but Squirrels, +Lap-dogs and _Guinea piggs_ to insnare the Women. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick_. Dear Sir _Harry_, I have been twice round the _Park_, in search of +you. + +Sir _Har._ Mr. _Nicknack_ pray know the _Collonel_ here; an intimate +Friend o'mine just arriv'd from _Flanders_. + +_Nick_. Sir, I kiss your Hands, I am glad to find for the Ladies sake, as +well as your own, you are not the least disabl'd I wou'd give Ten Guineas, +_Collonel_, to see an Engagement, cou'd one be secure from a Cannon +Bullet. + +_Col_. Ten Guineas to see an Engagement; wou'd you make a show of +Desolation, and have Men kill one another to divert your Spleen? What +shou'd any one do i'the Field, that's afraid of a Cannon Bullet? + +_Nic_. 'Tis not impossible, Sir, in a whole Army, to find a Person as +little dispos'd to swallow a Cannon Bullet as my self; but I shou'd have +this preference to him, as I wou'd avoid fighting, I wou'd ask no Pay. + +_Col_. Ha! Wit out of _Cheapside_, I'm afraid City Credit's at a very low +Ebb. + +_Nick_. Your Pardon, _Collonel_.----Sir _Harry_, have you seen Lady +_Rodomont_ this Morning? I have News for her will make her Heart caper, +as mine did at the Death of my Father. The _Bawble_ Friggat, Captain +_Gewgaw_ Commander, is just arriv'd laden with Parrots, Parrotkeits, +Monkeys, Mamosets, Leopards, Lowries, _Muscovy_-Ducks, _German_-Geese, +_Danish_-Dormice, _Portugal_-Pigs, _Hannover_-Hens, and all the Rarities +imaginable. + +Sir _Har_. You are a happy Man, Mr. _Nicknack_, that have such new ways to +ingage the Ladies; if you succeed in your Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, +from your good Fortune, all the Beaus will turn Traders, and instead of +Treats, Balls, and Serenades, we shall have Post Nights, Polices of +Insurance, Factors, Agents, and Correspondents to import Niceties for +their Mistresses. + +_Col_. [_aside_] Ridiculous;----And d'you think a Lady of her Birth and +Estate wou'd Marry a City Merchant. + +_Nick_. A City Merchant, _Collonel_,----We have Creatures, indeed, that +deal in Herrings from _Holland_, and Cod from _Newfoundland_; but there +are degrees in Merchandizing as well as other Professions. An Officer +o'the Guards is above a Captain o'the Train Bands; and, I hope, there's +difference between a Gentleman that Trades to the _Indies_, and Merchant +_Rag_ that sends old Cloaths to _Jamaica_; but why, _Collonel_, shou'd the +City be so much despis'd, that has so near an affinity to the Court; we +have sense to distinguish Men and Manners, Breeding to pay a Valiant +Prince homage, that ev'ry Year triumphs for his Country, and generosity to +entertain him, where many a hungry Courtier has been glad to sneak in for +a Dinner. + +_Col._ [_aside_] The Fellow talks Reason, i'faith;--but prithee, Mr. +_Nicknack_, what Business can a Merchant have at this end o'the Town; for +a Man that's bred up in a Counting-House to pretend to Airs and Graces, is +as monstrously ridiculous, as a Play-House Orange-Wench with a Gold Watch +by her side. + +_Nick._ Pardon me there _Collonel_; are Pleasure and Business +inconsistent, must ev'ry Citizen be a Drone, that crawls among Furr Gowns, +or a Cuckold that's preferr'd by the Common-Hall; pray tell me, what +difference is there between a Merchant of a good Education, and a +Gentleman of Two Thousand Pounds a Year, only one has Threescore Thousand +Pounds clear in his Pocket, and t'other an Estate that's mortgag'd to +Threescore People; I have a House in _Billiter-Lane_, the Air's as good as +_Pickadilly_. _Cornish_ makes my Cloaths, _Chevalier_ my Periwigs, I'm +courted ev'ry Day to subscribe for singing Opera's, and have had Fifteen +Actresses at my Levee, with their Benefit-Tickets. + +Sir _Har._ But, methinks, Mr. _Nicknack_; you that have so plentiful a +Fortune, shou'd leave off Business, and reside wholly amongst Men of +Figure and Estates. + +_Nick._ My Commerce, Sir _Harry_, is but in Impertinences without the +least prospect of Gain; for the old Gentleman, when with great Industry, +he had imported an Estate of Fifty Thousand Pounds, with greater Civility +exported himself into the next World and left me all. Besides, Merchandize +is but a sort of Gaming, and if I like it better than Hazard or Basset, +why should any Man quarrel with my Genius; but, Gentlemen, your Servant. +I must find out Lady _Rodomont_; for I have ingros'd the whole Ship's +Cargo to my self, as my Father us'd to do Raw-Silk, and design her the +first choice of ev'ry Thing. [_Exit._ + +_Col._ But what crabbed Don's this with the knavish Look of an old +plodding Conveyancer, whose Face and Profession are enough to raise the +Devil. + +Sir _Har._ 'Tis Major _Bramble_, a factious, seditious old Rogue, that's +neither Whig, nor Tory, but an Enemy to his own Country; he hates the +Government, because the Government don't like him; repines at all our +Successes; and his Bosom Friends are Minters, Owlers, Pettifoggers, +Nonjurors that won't swear to the Government, and _Irish_ Evidences that +will swear to any thing. + + _Enter_ Major Bramble. + +Heav'n guard the Court!--What cursed Plot's now hatching, that brings the +grumbling _Major_ to the _Park_? + +_Bram._ The Government, Sir _Harry_, will ne'er suspect my policy at +plotting, when I have no more sense than to trust a Wit with it; but the +Company I keep, may with wondrous ease form a Plot past your finding out. + +Sir _Har._ What, cowardly Bullies, tatter'd Gam'sters, and Fellows that +have been twice transported, poor, unhappy scoundrels that disturb the +Nation to please you rich Male-Contents, and are hang'd for their reward. + +_Bram._ Those Gentlemen, Sir _Harry_, you're pleas'd to term scoundrels, I +honour; he that takes sanctuary in the _Fleet_, has an immediate place in +my Heart; the Heroes of the _Mint_ are a formidable Body, magnanimously +sowse ev'ry Fellow in a Ditch that dares to infringe their Liberties; he +that's committed to _Newgate_ is in a fair way to Immortality;--He that +stands in the Pillory is exalted to a very high Station; the Observator is +my very good Friend; and he that writes the Review a Person of a most +incomparable Assurance. + +_Col._ But where's the Satisfaction of admiring what's Rascally? + +_Bram._ You're mistaken, Sir, Virtue's oppress'd; these are the only Men +of worth i'the Nation, and since the World's compos'd chiefly of Knaves +and Hypocrites, it behoves ev'ry honest Fellow to over-reach the World; +therefore he that runs away from his Creditors is a Man of admirable +Principles, and his Creditors are very great Rogues. + +_Col._ But why d'you hate the Government, _Major_, what harm has that done +you. + +_Bram._ Why, Sir, I was formerly in a very good Office, was turn'd out for +Bribery, and have had none giv'n me since, therefore while the Government +takes no notice of me, I'll take no notice of the Government. + +Sir _Har._ You are a Person, _Major_, the Government ought to take notice +of, I assure you--And d'you think a Man of your Character and Conversation +qualify'd for a publick Post. + +_Bram._ Certainly, Sir _Harry_, who makes a better Soldier than a +Midnight-Scourer; who proves a sharper Judge than a Serjeant that takes +Fees on both sides; or who thumps the Cushion better than he that has +thumpt all the Wives i'the Parish; therefore that am acquainted with all +you call Rogues i'the Kingdom, think my self notably qualify'd for a +_Custom-House-Officer_--but whether the Government employs us, or not, my +Companions are the happiest People i'the World; we meet ev'ry Day at a +House within the Rules of the _Fleet_, where we have fat Venison, that's +Stole out of _Windsor-Park_; _French_ Wine, that's Run i'the _Wild o' +Kent_; drink Confusion to our Arms, and talk Treason, till the Vintner +crys, _Huzza, Drawer bring in my Bottle_. And there are of our Club, Four +Broken-Officers, Six Suborning-Attorneys, a Disaffected-Cobler, Two +Highway-Men, and Eleven _Jacobite_, Outlaw'd-Parsons. + +Sir _Har._ If you are such an Enemy to your native Country, why don't you +course the World, and please your self. + +_Bram._ Thank you, Sir _Harry_, but tho' things don't go as I'd have them, +of all Countries, I like _England_ the best, for 'tis the only Kingdom in +the World that suffers Faction; where one may write Libels, affront the +Ministry, deride the Laws, and set the whole Nation together by the Ears-- +but whilst I am idle, mighty Matters are at a stand; in short, my Business +here is to make my Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, who having lately seen +_Italy_ and _France_, like a true Woman, is return'd with a most horrid +Contempt of her own Country, and may like my Principles better than the +flutt'ring Airs of you Town-Sparks--afterwards, Gentlemen, I shall be +proud of both your Companies to dine in the _Press-Yard_, in _Newgate_, +with sev'ral very ingenious Persons, that coin better than they do i'the +_Tower_. [_Exit._ + +_Col_. So, Lady _Rodomont_'s the Cry--How Divine a Creature is a Woman +that has Six thousand a Year; the Town's quite mad after her. + +Sir _Har_. And such an Estate's enough to make her mad; Women are too +sanguine for such mighty Fortune; Ten thousand Pounds touches a Lady's +Brain, but when they prove great Heiresses, they're-- + +_Col_. Oh! stark Staring, Raving! and we ought to have the Custody of em. + +Sir _Har_. Let's move towards the Court, _Collonel_, where we shall meet +her sailing down the _Mall_, and the Fops after her, with all the Pride of +a First-Rate Man of War, that's convoying a few petty Merchant-Ships to +the _West-Indies_. + +_Enter_ Shrimp _with a Letter_. + +Sir _Har_. [reads.] _By the next return of the Waggon you will receive +Master_ Totty, _who was nineteen Years last Grass, with a Box of +_Shrewsbury-Cakes, _and a Simnel: His Grand-Mother desires you will put +him Clerk to some honest Attorney, if it be possible to find one, and the +Child be fit for it, or to what else the Child shall be fit for; but if +you find him fit for nothing, that you'll return him with great Care to +his Grand-Mother again. He is free from ev'ry Vice, having always lain +with his Grand-Mother, gone no where but to visit old Ladies with his +Grand-Mother, and has never been out of his Grand-Mother's sight, since he +was six Weeks old_--What a Pox do the Women send me their Fool to educate, +they may as well send me their Heads to dress; but I shall leave him to my +Servant; a Town Valet's Tutor and Companion good enough for a Country +'Squire--_Shrimp_, go to the _Saracen's-Head-Inn_, enquire for Master +_Totty_, a Man-Child, of nineteen Years of Age, and carry him to my +Lodgings. [_Exeunt_. + + _Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy. + +La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an Assurance like my Lady +_Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self. + +_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many +more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of +_Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious. + +La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well +declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love; +besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I +take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chastity, she +might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World +shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in +_Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid +she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think. + +_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers; +I'd arrest her for 'em. + +La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_ +too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they +both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed +City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing. + +_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her +self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for +thinking so. Pray Madam affront her. + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry, + _Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops + and Footmen_. + +La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are +very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch +just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you +think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show +greater Veneration and Respect. + +Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture, +Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun, +Whom none directly looks at, +But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down, +They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer. + +La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of +the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a +modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we shift our selves before our +Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an +_English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to +_England_; you have distinguish'd your self nobly this Campaign; I hear at +_Audenard_ you acted Wonders. + +_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field, +The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay, +And lengthen out a War to raise Estates; +But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us, +And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour, +We march with Pride, and unresisted Force, +To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress. + +La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly +well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most +of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your +Manners. + +_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _Degaugée_-- +we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year. + +La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so +phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and +fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of Balls and Operas on a _Sunday_. + +Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties, +That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions, +One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound; +The _Major_ here, I think opposes both. + +_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts +of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and +Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at +_Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras, +I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad, +Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience, +who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful +Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch. + +La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious +Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for +your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily. + +_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the +Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the +Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman +higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a +_Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable +Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry. + +La. _Rod._ Savage Creature! + +_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born +in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_. + +_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Essex_; a _Wolf's_ a +nobler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred, +so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species +of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a +High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and +possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a +Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast, +and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam, +you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable, +as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a +great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think +my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person +as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._ + +_All._ Ha, ha, ha. + +La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River, +I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet? + +_Nick._ Your Ladyship is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you +please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for +nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy; +and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a +Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get God-fathers. + +La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you. + +_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my +Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my +Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and +Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound. + +La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our Sex; but I wonder, Mr. +_Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky +Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_. + +_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_, +where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to +a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own, +_Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the +Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants +don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have +little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty +Sempstresses. + +Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there. + +_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to +show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to +Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a +thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest +Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being +ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant +absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor +Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Saturday's_ Club at _Black-heath_ +Bowling-Green. + +L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and +_Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an +impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a +hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em. + +_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_? + +_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to +deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery +that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may +after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the +Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to +import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their +Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country +Countesses. + +L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her, +but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_, +give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd +at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately +gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love +to mortify these Creatures. + +L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your +Ladyship's +Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller. + +L. _Rod_. By your Ladyship's Appearance, I find you're a very great +Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country. + +L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it +only serve to heigthen her Assurance? + +L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they +want neither Art nor Travel to improve it. + +L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladyship shou'd encourage Art or Travel, +where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady +shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd +of Followers. + +L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but +when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter +about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladyship's Cozen, +there, who is equally entitul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old +Cloths. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladyship's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any +Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladyship's Face. + +L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladyship's a'ground, your Face may put both +Sexes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave, + Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave; + As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place, + She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._ + + +The End of the Second ACT. + + + +ACT III. SCENE I. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Here do I follow and caress my Lady, in hopes to steal a Spark +'mongst her Admirers; I have five hundred Pounds in the fourteen _per +Cent_, a Gentlewoman's Fortune in past Ages, but now 'twon't buy a +Haberdasher of small Ware. Sir _Harry_ offers me a genteel Settlement; +Time was, when a kept Madam elbow'd the whole Drawing-Room; but now we +have a virtuous Court agen, a Lord's Mistress is almost as despicable as a +Citizen's Wife.--Suppose I trick the Collonel into Marriage--To bridle at +a Review in _Hyde-Park_, have rich Plunder brought me from _Flanders_, and +boast in Company how much my Husband ballances the Pow'r of _Europe_; but +then comes Peace, and Half-pay, and the Brigadier's Lady must condescend +to dress Heads, make Mantoes, or vainly feed her Pride, by personating +what she really was on the most renown'd _Drury-Lane Theatre_.--Suppose I +rail at the Government, and so trap the rich Major; but then he's trapt in +a Plot, some poor Lord begs his Estate, and I'm to live upon the mighty +Comfort of having it again when the Pretender comes--Or what if I wheedle +in with Mr. _Nick-nack_--To have a fine House in _Billiter-Lane_, +prodigious great Dinners, and ready Cash for Play. And, faith, now-a-days, +a rich Merchant's Wife keeps as late Hours, Games as high, and makes as +bulky a Figure as e'er a Dutchess in the two united Kingdoms. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. How kind this was, my dear, pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, to leave so +much good Company to meet me here alone. + +Mrs. _Lov_. How kind you are to your self Sir _Harry_, in harbouring so +ridiculous a Notion. + +Sir _Har_. Are you resolv'd then, Madam, to let this gay, this proper +well-set Person o' mine pine away like a green Sickness Girl, when I have +so generously offer'd you two hundred Pound a Year, only to be a little +whimsical with you. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Two hundred a year! wou'd you make a Whore of me Sir _Harry_? + +Sir _Har_. A Whore! have a care, Child, who you reflect upon, a Lady of +two hundred a Year, a Whore; Whores are Creatures that wear Pattens and +Straw-hats. I'd fain hear any body call a kept Mistress, Whore, while +there's Law to be had, if I were she, I'd make 'em severely pay for't. + +Mrs. _Lov_. But pray, Sir _Harry_, where's the Difference between a common +Woman, and one that's kept; they have equally lost their Reputation, and +no body of any Character will visit 'em. + +Sir _Har_. Visit 'em! Ladies of different Orders shou'd converse amongst +themselves, I know a Set of kept Mistresses that visit one another with +all the Ceremony of Countesses, take place of one another according to the +Degree of their Keepers, are call'd to one another's Labours, and live in +perfect Sister-hood like the _Grand Seignor's Seraglio_; two of 'em indeed +had a violent Quarrel t'other day, but 'twas only about State Affairs, one +happening to be a Whig, and t'other a Tory. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Good Sir _Harry_, what have you seen so loose in my Behaviour +to attack me at this rate? + +Sir _Har_. Why, look you, Child, do'st thee consider what an Income two +hundred a Year is; some Country Gentlemen han't more to make their Elder +Sons Esquires, and raise Portions for eleven awkard Daughters. Besides, +my Dear, thou art but a whiffling sort of a Pinnace, I have been proffer'd +lovely, large, First Rate Ladies for half the Mony. There's _Winny +Wag-tail_ in _Channel Row_, wou'd have left it to my Generosity; Mrs. +_Tippet_ the Furrier's Wife in _Walbrook_ wou'd have taken five hundred +Pound down, and _Sufan Sigh-fort_ the quaking Sempstress had n't the +Assurance to ask me above the rent of her Shop.----I must tell you, Love, +the Nation's over stock'd with Women, I can have a hundred and fifty +Furbuloe Scarf-makers for as many Silver Thimbles; and but last Long +Vacation, a very considerable Pleader offer'd me his two Daughters for Six +and Eight Pence a Night. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, this Discourse suits not my Genius, I have a +Fortune, tho' not thousands enough to keep me from that odious thing you'd +tempt me to; therefore if you pursue this Humour any farther, I must +acquaint my Lady with it. + +Sir _Har_. Why, then, Madam, do I most devoutly pray to _Venus_ there, and +each kind Creature here, that the Men may avoid you, as if you had n't a +Lure about you, that for madness you may turn Gam'ster, lose all your +Fortune at Play, and then grow crooked for want of Mony to buy you a new +Pair of Stayes. [_Exit._ + +Mrs. _Lov_. Was ever any thing so impudent! he's a charming Fellow tho', +and two hundred a Year is a charming Allowance too.--But Virtue! Virtue!-- +Oh! that I had liv'd in good King Some-body's Days. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bra_. Madam _Lovejoy_, your most humble Servant, here's a Ring that was +pawn'd to me for twenty Guineas by a Welch Knight, on his being chose High +Sheriff o'the County, and the Mony not being paid in due time, it's become +forfeited; I therefore entreat the Favour of you to wear it. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Your very humble Servant, Major, they are delicate Stones +indeed; but what Service must I do you in return of so great a Compliment? + +_Bra_. Only that, Madam, of being my Advocate to Lady _Rodomont_, whose +Beauty I have long admir'd, and whose Estate I do profoundly reverence. +[_Aside._] Nor can I on a just survey of my Person and Parts find the +least Obstacle, why her Inclinations shou'd n't mount like mine, that +without much Ceremony or foppish Courtship, we might unite Circumstances, +and astonish the World at the Sight of a couple so prodigiously well +pair'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Were my Fortune, Major, equal to my Lady's, my Judgment wou'd +be as much admir'd in such a Choice as my Happiness wou'd be envy'd; but +my Lady's of so uncommon a cold Constitution so whimsically gay, and fond +of new Diversions, she laughs at ev'ry serious Thought of Love. + +_Bra._ Perhaps, Madam, my Lady never had an Offer worth her serious +Notice, the Fops a course chatter and teaze the Women, but when great +Statesmen condescend to Love, and while they Court, Affairs of State stand +still; a Lady shou'd be proud of such an Offer; what Woman wou'd not think +her self most highly honour'd to have an amorous Judge approach her with +his Tipstaff. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Ay, Major, to have the State stand still, as if a Woman were +of mightier Moment wou'd sooth a Lady's Pride, 'twou'd be so pretty to +adjourn the Parliament when their Mistresses send for 'em to Picquet; and +were my Lady sensible how vast an Honour you design her, she certainly +wou'd own an equal Passion. + +_Bra._ [_Aside_] I profess a very ingenious Woman, and cou'd I but be +satisfy'd, she were entirely in the French Int'rest, I I wou'd prefer her +to Madam _Maintenon's_ Cabinet Council, to consult about the next +Invasion. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nic._ Oh! Mrs. _Lovejoy_, I have been hurry'd quite out of my Senses, +three more Ships are sail'd in upon me this Morning; the _Atlas_ Merchant +Man, Captain _Sunburnt_ Commander from the _East Indies_, the _Dighton_ +Gally from the musty Islands, and the _Hankerchief_ Frigot from _Smirna_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, when's the Sale? + +_Nic._ Now, now, Madam, and the fat India Women from all Parts o'the Town +do croud and scold like a Parcel of Fish-Wives at a Mackrel-Boat--Mrs. +_Trapes_ in _Leadenhall_ Street is hawling away the Umbrellas for the +walking Gentry, Mrs. _Kanister_ in _Hatton Garden_, buys up all the course +Bohee-Tea for the _Holborn_ Ladies Breakfasts, and Mrs. _Furnish_ at St. +_James_'s has order'd Lots of Fans, and China, and India Pictures to be +set by for her, 'till she can borrow Mony to pay for 'em.----But, Madam, I +ha' brought you a couple of the prettiest Parrokeets, and the charming'st +Monkey for my Lady that ever was seen; a Coster-monger's Wife kiss'd it, +burst into Tears, and said, 'Twas so like an only Child she had just +bury'd. I thought the poor Woman wou'd ha' swoon'd away. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Thank you good Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. But, Madam, have you told my Lady, what a violent Inflammation I +have about her? + +Mrs. _Lov_. She's now at Cards with the _Collonel_, and next to the new +Monkey you'll be the welcom'st Creature alive to her.--Sweet Major excuse +me, for I must run to my dear Parrokeets. [_Exit._ + +_Bra_. Prithee, Friend, what Beau-maggot has thy Pericranium lately bred +to give thee pretensions to Lady _Rodomont_? + +_Nick_. And pray, _Major_; what prejudice have the Ladies done you, that +you shou'd revenge it by offering 'em your disagreeable self? For he that +murmus at so good a Queen, must certainly be disaffected to the whole Sex. + +_Bra_. Do'st thou imagine a Woman of sense that has seen he great Court of +_France_, and visited Madam _de Trollop_, Madam _de Frippery_, and Madam +_de Twangdillion_, where Ladies are great Politicians, and talk of +Ramparts, Bastions, and Aqueducts will prefer thy Parrots and Jack-daws to +a Man of Politicks, whom the Prince of _Conti_ consulted about the Kingdom +of _Poland_. Monsieur _Chamillard_ about the late Invasion. + +_Nick._ I can't suppose, _Major_, a Lady of her Intellects, will fling her +self away on a Grumbletonian, to have her Estate confiscated, receive +Visits in the _Gate-house_, when her Husband's clapt up for Treason, and +afterwards quarrel with the Heralds about the length of her Veil, when her +Spouse made his _Exit_ at _Tyburn_. + +_Bra_. Why ha'st thou the assurance to despise Heroes that die in a State +Cause, St. _Charnock_, and St. _Gregg_; these were Men that made a noise +i'the World, whose Names are in ev'ry News Paper, and let the Cause be +what it will, I honour People that make a noise in the World.--But +prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, what makes you Citizens that spring from a little +Counting-house, up three Steps at the further End of a dark Ware-house, +attempt Women o'Quality? + +_Nick_. Why, Sir, I can settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her. + +_Bra_. Settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her;--Wou'd you buy a Wife +as you do Scamony and Cocheneal by Inch of Candle? If I were a Woman, I +shou'd hate the sound of an Inch of Candle. I'll settle _Major Bramble_ +upon her, an inestimable Jewel, and if she has no more sense than to +refuse me; for a Chocolate-house, _Jelley Eater_, she has travell'd to as +little improvement, as some other Beau Ladies, that admire the Agility of +the _French_, before the Stability of the _Swiss Cantons_; therefore you +may go tire her with your Monkey tricks, to give her a true relish of my +more weighty Arguments.--In the mean time, I'll step to the Tow'r, to +congratulate the safe Arrival of some very great Persons out of +_Scotland_. [_Exit._ + +_Nick_. Now has this old Fellow the vanity to think his Person and +Qualities are as acceptable to a fine Woman as if he had been bred at +Court; but Asses will herd and bray amongst the fair Kine, like a knot of +Stock-jobbing Jews that crowd _Garraways_ Coffee-house, and fright away us +Beau Merchants with the stink of Bread and Cheese Snuff. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to_ Covent-Garden. + + _Enter_ Matter Totty, _and_ Shrimp. + +_Tot_. Lord! Lord! What a hugeous Place this _London_ is? I thank you +heartily, Sir, for taking Care of me; for I shou'd ha' quite lost my self, +and then, perhaps, some strange Person might ha' taken me up, and ha' kept +me; but what makes People in such a hurry here, as if at _Lincoln_, the +Mayor and Aldermen were going to a Bull-baiting; at other times Folks in +the Country walk more slowly, as tho' they were going to Church. + +_Shr. London_, Master, is the Seat of Business, People do ev'ry thing in a +hurry here, except paying their Debts, and lying with their Wives; but +what Notion had you of the Town before you saw it? + +_Tot_. Why, my Grand-mother says, Tis the wicked'st Place under the Copes +of Heav'n, and the Filthinesses she has seen there, have made her frigid +to Mankind; she says, young Fellows are greedy after young Wenches, and +make a scoff at old Folks; Men of Quality have no sense of well-doing, and +Women o'Quality no sense of Self-denial; your highflown Gentry, no sense +of Humility, and the Common People no sense of good Manners; mid-night +Collonels, no sense of Sobriety; Vintners no sense of Honesty; City Wives, +no sense of Chastity, and their Husbands, no sense at all. + +_Shr_. You are deceiv'd, Master, People come hither for Education and +Improvement: Ev'ry Merchant's Prentice now assumes an air of Wisdom, talks +of Gaming, Dress, and Poetry; frequents the Hazard-Table at _Lambeth_, the +Bowling-Green at _Islington_, and keeps a Race-Horse for _Hackney-Marsh_; +has a Silver Watch double gilt, Pearl colour Silk Stockings, and a +black Suit for _Lent_, with a couple of Drop-Locks hanging up in the +Counting-house, which are occasionally hook'd on to a Spruce-Bob to Squire +two Chamber-Maids to the _Rival Queens_. + +_Tot_. But do People obey their Parents in _London_? + +_Shr_. Never, never, Master, this is an Age of Freedom and good Humour; +Fathers tope Claret with their Sons, and Mothers _Rosa Solis_ with their +Daughters; they Rake together, Intreague together, divide Estates, and +persue their Inclinations; Familiarity makes young Fellows easie, and old +Fellows have the happiness to live out all their Days. + +_Tot_. O Gemini that's pure! well I always had a mighty mind to see +_London_, because my Grand-mother would never let me; and d'you belong to +Sir _Harry Sprightly_, say you, Sir? + +_Shr_. I do my self the Honour to sojourn with him; Sir _Harry_ +Compliments me with adjusting some Solecisms in his Dress; we were +Neighbour's Children in the Country, and always very fond of one another, +he begg'd the Favour of me to meet you at the Inn, give you some +refreshment, and conduct you to his Lodgings;--Oh! Here comes a Friend +o'mine lately return'd from _Flanders_, that will be glad to associate +with us; he's a Person of great Worth, I assure you, and might have had +great Preferments in the Army; but his good Manners, like some other +well-bred military Sparks, made him rather retreat than put himself +forward. + + _Enter_ Knapsack. + +Mr. _Knapsack_, your most humble Servant, an ingenious young Gentleman +here, just arriv'd from the Fenns in _Lincolnshire,_ desires to be known +to you; he's at present but a rough Diamond wholly ignorant of the Town, +but your Conversation will make him Brillant. + +_Knap_. You know my Profession, Mr. _Shrimp_, and think you can't trespass +on my modesty; but your praises are enough to put our whole Regiment out +o'countenance, had we not quarter'd in _Ireland_.--The young Gentleman by +his deportment seems to be the Darling of a Family, and Heir to a good +Estate. + +_Tot_. I shall have Five Hundred a Year, Sir, when my Grand-mother gives +up the Ghost; but at present she allows me but Eighteen Pence a Week for +reading the Book of Martyrs to her, copying Receipts, and supporting her +about the House. + +_Shr_. Eighteen Pence a Week! Why the Kitchin Wench gets more for her +Coney Skins; but what allowance are you to have now, Master, you should +have handsome Lodgings in _Pall-Mall_ Tutors to embellish you, dress out +for _Whites_, keep a Chair by the Week, and an impudent Footman to knock +down People before you. + +_Tot_. Ay, but my Grand-mother charg'd me on her Blessing never to go to +that end o'the Town; she says, they are abominable Spendthrifts there; bid +me remember the Prodigal Son, and has given me only a broad _Jacobus_ to +pay for Post Letters, and a Hundred Pound Bill upon Sir _Francis_ to put +me Clerk to an Attorney. + +_Shr_. Clerk to an Attorney! Why the Nation swarms with 'em; so many young +Fellows now are bred to that Profession, Men, and their Wives are forc'd +to go to Law to find bus'ness for their Children. + +_Knap_. Hang the Hundred Pounds; we'll spend it, Master, in showing you +the Town, the Lyons, and the Tombs, the Bears, and the Morocco's, the +Jew's Synagogue, and the Gyants at _Guild-hall_, my Lord-Mayor's great +Coach, and my Lady Mayoress's great Tower. + +_Tot_. Shan't we go to the Play-house too, and see _Pinkeman, Bullock_, +and _Jubilee Dicky_? + +_Knap_. Ay, and behind the Scenes too amongst the pretty Actresses; I must +have you a smart Youth, understand the finish'd Vices o'the Town, learn +to swear like a Gentleman of Ten Thousand a Year, few Men of Estates are +bred to Conversation, game like a desp'rate younger Brother, several +embroider'd Suits are known to live by't, drink abundantly to prevent +dull-thinking, and Whore lustily to encourage the Dispensary that gives +the poor Physick for nothing. Mr. _Shrimp_ here knows the World; and, I +warrant, for cogging a Die, bullying a Coward, bilking a Hackney Coachman, +and storming a Nest of Whores in _Drury-lane_, not a Master of Arts in +either University can come near him. + +_Tot_. Fegs, so I will, they shan't think to cow me any longer; one cou'd +never stir out o'the Room, but my Grand-mother was purring after a Body, +and if she heard one got a little merry at _T. Totum_, with the Maids, +she'd quaver out _Totty_, come, and say your Catechism;--_What is the +chief End of Man?_ And upon ev'ry little Fault, she'd lock me up to get +_Quarles's Emblems_ by heart, and threaten I shou'd lie in the great Room +that's haunted, and never let one have any other diversion, than to hear +the Chaplain play _Jumping Joan_ upon the Base Viol. + +_Shr_. Shall we adjourn to the _Rose_, the Drawer's my particular Friend, +and will give us _French_ Wine for Eighteen Pence a Bottle. + +_Tot_. But lets ha' some Sack, do. + +_Knap_. Ay, and Sugar, my brave Boy, thou shall't have any thing; we'll be +merry as mony'd Sailors over a Bowl o'Rum Punch, fluster'd as their +Whores, and frolicksom, 'till we have spent all, drink Confusion to all +Grand-mothers, and if the old Cat pretends to Ptysick it much longer, +we'll get an Act of Parliament to poyson her. + +_Tot_. With all my Heart! they say the Parliament can do any thing. +[_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE, _A Drawing-Room._ + + _Enter the_ Collonel, _and_ Lady Rodomont _rising from Play_. + +L. _Rod_. Fling up the Cards, good _Collonel_, after two Games, the +Pleasure becomes a Business; like my Lady _Shuffler_ that gits her living +at 'em. + +_Col_. Your Ladyship's a Chymist in Diversions, extracts the quintessence +of ev'ry Pleasure, and leaves the drossy Part upon the World; Agreements, +when too tedious pall the Fancy, when short they quicken and refine our +Appetites; and the sublimest Joy to Mortals known, evaporates the Moment +that 'tis tasted. + +L. _Rod_. Variety alone supports dull Life, the light Amusements that +connect and change, Spur on the creeping Circle of the Year; I love to +humour an unbounded Genius, to give a lose to ev'ry spring of Fancy, to +rove, to range, to sport with different Countries, and share the Revels of +the Universe. + +_Col_. My Genius fain wou'd Court superiour Blessings; those Passions are +too hurrying to last; Vapours that start from a Mercurial Brain, whose +wild Chimera's flush the lighter Faculties, which tir'd i'th'vain pursuit +of fancy'd Pleasures; a Passion more substantial Courts our Reason, solid, +persuasive, elegant, sublime, where ev'ry Sense crowds to the luscious +Banquet, and ev'ry nobler Faculty's imploy'd. + +L. _Rod_. That Passion you describe's a sleeping Potion, a lazy, stupid, +lethargy of Mind, that nums our Faculties, destroys our Reason, and to our +Sex the bane of all Agreements; shou'd I whom Fortune, lavish of her +store, has given the means to glut insatiate Wishes, out-vie my Sex, and +Lord it o'er Mankind, constrain my rambling Pleasures, check my Liberty +for an insipid Cooing sort of Life, which marry'd Fools think Heav'n, and +cheat each other. + +_Col_. Are Love and Pleasure, Madam, so incongruous?--Methinks the very +name of Love exhilerates; meaner delights were meant but to persuade us, +Toys to provoke and heighten our desires, which Love confirms and Crowns +with mightier extasie. + +L. _Rod._ Rather all Joys expire, where Love commences; when that deluding +Passion once takes root, we grow insensible, ill-bred, intolerable, +neglecting Dress and Air, and Conversation; to fondle an odd Wretch, that +caus'd our ruin: No, give me the outward Gallantries of Love, the Poetry, +the Balls, the Serenades, where I may Laugh and Toy, and humour Apish +Cringers, with secret Pride to raise my Sexes Envy, and lead pretending +Fops a Faiery Dance. + +_Col._ My own Humour to a Hair! How I admire such generous sprightly +Virtue, your Reasoning, Madam, darts amazing brightness, 'where groveling +Souls want courage to think freely, ay, Liberty's the Source of all +Enjoyments, a nourishing Delight, innate and durable. I love the Harmony +of Foreign Courts; your downright _English_ Women are meer Mopes, sit +dumb like Clocks that speak but once an Hour, supinely Grave and +insolently Sullen, nor Smile but on good terms to Laugh, at us for Life: +But other Climates animate more warmly; Sexes alike are free, reciprocally +gay, and Pleasures are persu'd without Reflection, if Principle or Fear +refuse us Love; for I'm the tenderest of a Lady's Honour, the Fair One +still has tantalizing Charms, her tuneful Voice, her graceful, easie +Movement, her lively Converse, happy turn of Thought, Language polite, +keen Wit, fineness of Argument, but Marriage turns the Edge of all +Society. + +L. _Rod._ Pray, _Collonel_, how long have you taken up this Resolution? + +_Col_. I doat upon the Sex, admire their heav'nly Form, like beauteous +Temples built by sacred Hands, where their bright Souls as Deities +inhabit; but shou'd Love's Queen, Celestial _Citharea_, descend in all her +elegance of Beauty, the study'd Care of the officious Graces, with Wreaths +of Jewels glittering round her Temples, her flowing Locks dispos'd in +artful Circles, losely attir'd, and on a Down of Roses, with laughing +Cupids hov'ring round the Bed.-- + +L. _Rod_. But _Collonel_. + +_Col_ A wondrous lovely Mien, kind melting Airs, soft snowy Breasts that +pant with am'rous Sighs, Eyes lauguishing that steal forth welcome +glances; Cheeks rip'ning, glowing, kindling, ravishing. + + _To be confin'd, wou'd deaden all her Charms, + And Matrimony fright me from her Arms_. + +L. _Rod_. Good _Collonel_ check a while this feign'd Career; for in +describing her you wou'd refuse, you're in a Rapture, and quite out of +Breath; don't depend too much on your fancy'd Prowess, some mortal Dames, +less beauteous than a Goddess, have exercis'd and tam'd the boldest +Heroes. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Madam, the Countess of _Circumference_, my Lady _May-pole_, +and my Lady _Bob-tail_ are just lighting at the Gate. + +L. _Rod_. Pray sup with me _Collonel_, and lets finish this Argument, I'm +fond of disputing with a Person that talks well. + +_Col_. [_aside _] She's peek'd, and my design must prove successful. + + _Pride keeps me off, but Nature smooths my way; + For what her Tongue wou'd hide, her Eyes betray_. + +[_Exit._ + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, did you ever hear the like? The _Collonel's_ such an +Enemy to Marriage? + +Mrs. _Lov_. An Enemy to Marriage, Madam! + +L. _Rod_. As obstinately bent against it, as if he were incapable of Love; +not that his Principles concern me, yet such Heresy in Men shou'd be +subdu'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Perhaps, Madam, the _Collonel_ may have had some strange +misfortune in the Army, Cannon Bullets fly at such an ugly random rate. + +L. _Rod_. Ha, ha, ha, how I laugh at such thin Disguises, as if a ratling +Officer in this fortune-hunting Age, cou'd have Philosophy to slight my +Person and Estate; but I'll applaud his happy choice of Liberty; say, 'tis +a generous Thought, so like my self, I'll settle a Platonick Friendship +with him, then faulter in my Speech, and seem confus'd, as if my Sexes +weakness must discover a Passion which my haughty Soul wou'd hide. The +greedy _Collonel_ catches at the Bait, deep Sighs, and sheepish Looks +confess the Lover; then with what sparkling Pride I'll boast my Power, +bravely assert my wonted Resolutions, rally the blustering Heroe, and +pursue new Conquests. + + _As the Sun's early Beams attract and warm, + So Ladies with their easie glances Charm; + Vain Coxcombs cringe with transport and surprize, + Feel kindling Fire, and feed upon their Eyes; + 'Till like the Sun, the dazling Nymphs display_ + Meridian _heat, and scorch the Fools away_. + + +_End of the Third_ ACT. + + + + +ACT IV. SCENE _continues_. + + _Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Why, Madam, shou'd your Ladyship keep so many Fellows in +suspence, is it only to mortifie other Women, and maintain the Vanity of +being universally admir'd; you won't marry, and yet love to be courted: +In other matters your Ladiship's gen'rous enough, but as for parting with +your Lovers, you are as stingy as the Widow _Scrape-all_, that lets out +her Mourning-Coach to Funerals. + +La. _Rod_. Cozen, we're alone, and I'll discover t' you the Soul of ev'ry +Woman: Vanity is the predominant Passion in our Sex, what Lady that has +Beauty, Wit and Fortune, does not excel in Dress, brighten in Talk, and +dazle in her Equipage; and Lovers are but Servants out o' Liveries: Who +then that has Attractions to command, to sooth, to frown, to manage as we +please, wou'd raise those crawling Wretches that adore us, that fawn and +sigh, and catch at ev'ry Glance, but once embolden'd, as our Courage fails +us, the flatt'ring Knaves exert their Sovereign Sway, and crush the +darling Pow'r we possess. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis their Prerogative to rule at last, our Reign is short, +because 'tis too Tyrannical; we're pleas'd to have Admirers gaze upon us, +they're pleas'd with gazing, 'cause they cannot help it; but yet they +think us strange fantastick Creatures, and curse themselves for loving +such vain Toys; for my part, I'm for ballancing the pow'r of both Sexes, +if a fine Gentleman addresses a fine Lady, his Reception ought to be +suitable to his Merit, and when two fine People get together-- + +La. _Rod_. What then? + +Mrs. _Lov_. They ought to lay aside Affectation and Impertinence, and come +to a right understanding i' th' matter. + +La. _Rod._ But prithee, my Dear, what fine Things d'you conceive there are +in Love? + +Mrs. _Lov_. I wou'd conceive what fine Things there are in Love; in short, +Madam, you may dissemble like the _French Hugonots,_ that were starving in +their own Country, and pretended to fly hither for Religion: But I that +have the same Circulations with your Ladiship, know that ev'ry Woman feels +a _Je ne sçay quoy_ for an agreeable Fellow; nay more, that Love is +irresistable; how many Fortunes have marry'd Troopers, and Yeomen o'the +Guard? We are all made of the same Mould; nay I heard of a Lady that was +so violently scorcht at the sight of a handsome Waterman, she flung her +self sprawling into the _Thames_, only that he might stretch out his Oar, +and take her up again. + +La. _Rod_. There are Women Fools to a strange degree; but have you, +Cousin, seen any Object so amiable to merit that ridiculous Condescension. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I have seen a great many young Fellows, Madam, and do ev'ry +Day see more young Fellows that I cou'd like very well to play at _Piquet_ +with; and if your Ladiship has sworn to die a Maid, recommend one of your +Admirers to me, and it shan't be my Fault, if in a few Months I don't +produce you a very pretty Bantling to inherit your Estate. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bram_. (_Aside_.) Now must I screw my self into more submissive Forms +than a hungry Poet at the lower end of a Lord's Table, when he has more +Wit than all the Company; muster up more Lies than are told behind a +_Cheapside_-Counter, and talk to her of Agues, Agonies and Agitations, +when I have no more Notion of Love, than a Lawyer has of the next World: +Her Estate indeed wou'd put a Man into a Conflagration, but a fine Woman +is to me like a fine Race-Horse, admir'd only by Fools, very costly, very +wanton, and very apt to run away--Madam, your Ladiship's incomparable +Perfections, which are as much talk'd of, as if they had been publish'd in +the _Flying-Post, Post-Boy_, and _Post-Man,_ have stirr'd up all my +Faculties to admire, ev'ry Part about you, and to tell you the Ambition I +have of being your Ladiship's most devoted, humble Servant at Bed and +Board. + +La. _Rod_. A Man of your Character, _Major_, is seldom touch'd with a +Lady's Perfections; our trifling Beauties soften weaker Mortals, you Men +that bustle about publick Matters, whose fiery Souls are charm'd with +Broils of State, retain no mighty Transports for our Sex. + +_Bram_. True, Madam, Love's but an insipid Business; but I wou'd marry to +keep up that fiery Breed; and your Ladyship having a more sublime Genius +than the rest of your Sex, I thought you the properest Person to apply to, +that with equal Pains-taking we may produce a Race of _Alexanders_, that +shall rattle thro' the World like a Peal of Thunder, wage Wars, destroy +Cities, and send old Women headlong to the Devil. + +La. _Rod_. I mould rather chuse a peaceful Race, whose Virtue shou'd +prefer 'em to the State, where Wisdom, like a Goddess, sits triumphant, to +awe, to charm, to punish and reward, and check the Fury of such headstrong +Coursers. + +_Bram_. A Race of Side-Box-Beaus, that love soft easie Chairs, Down-Beds, +and taudry Night-Gowns; I admire those renown'd Emperors, that chop +Peoples Heads off for their Diversion, and the glorious King of _France_, +that makes his Family Kings whenever he pleases; that gives People yearly +Pensions to bellow out his praise; whose Edicts fly about like Squibs and +Crackers, and as much laughs at Parliaments and Councils, as a Whore of +Distinction does at the _Reforming-Society._ + +La. _Rod_. Such Princes are meant Scourges to the Earth; no Mortal's fit +for absolute Command; Men have their Passions; Monarchs are but Men, and +when Love, Jealousie, or Fear possess 'em, the Tyrants spurn, and rack +their guiltless People, who tamely bend, and court their fatal Madness; +our happy Realm knows no Despotick Sway; not only Kingdoms here, but +Hearts unite, the Sov'reign and the Subjects bless each other; a +Constitution so divinely fram'd; such gen'rous Concord, such resistless +Harmony, that Nature wonders at her own Perfections; a Climate and a +People so serene! + +_Bram_. Look you, Madam, I'm no more an Enemy to the Government than to +your Ladiship: Your Ladiship has a good Estate, Estate, and your Person is +mightily dish'd out, fine and lovely and plump, therefore if your Ladyship +thinks fit to marry me, and the Government to give me a Place of a +Thousand a Year, I'm an humble Servant to both, otherwise I wou'dn't care +three Whiffs o' Tobacco, if the Government sunk, and your Ladiship were +blown up in the Clouds. + +La. _Rod._ Plain-dealing, _Major_, ought to be inestimable, especially in +a Statesman, but you needn't give your self any trouble about me, you're +not a Creature tame enough for a Husband: The Lion that's us'd to range +the Woods, if once ensnar'd, grows ten times more outragious. What think +you, Cousin, shou'd we entangle the _Major_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ We must never come near him, Madam, for I'm afraid he'll +devour us all. + +_Bram._ Devour you all, Mrs. _Oatcake_, a Man must be damnable hungry to +feed upon your Chitterlings. [_Aside._] Now have I a good mind to hire two +or three honest Fellows to swear her into a Plot, have her Estate +confiscated to the Government, and get a Reward of half of it for so +serviceable a piece of Loyalty and Revenge; but to mortifie her more +compleatly, I'll go make my Addresses to the Divine Lady _Toss-up_. +[_Exit._ + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick._ [_Aside._] Were it not to improve my Int'rest with the Ladies, +I wou'd forswear all manner of Bus'ness, and grow perfectly idle, like a +Dancing-Master's Brains. I have been squeez'd up at the _Custom-House_, +'mongst _Jews_, _Swedes_, _Danes_, and dirty _Dutchmen_, that were +entering Hung-Beef, 'till I'm only fit to tread _Billingsgate-Key_, +and address those shrill Ladies, whose _Italian_ Voices ev'ry Day charm +the Streets with the deaf'ning Harmony of _Place_, _Flounders_, and +_New-Castle-Salmon_--I was afraid, Madam, having not seen your Ladiship +these four Hours, you had quite forgot me. + +La. _Rod._ That's impossible, Mr. _Nicknack_, I never see the pretty +_Monkey_ you brought me, but I have the strongest Idea of you imaginable; +but have you imported no greater Curiosities, a _Monkey_ of one sort or +other is what most People have in their Houses. I'd have a Ship range the +World on purpose to find me out some agreeable strange Creature, that was +never heard of before, nor is ever to be met with again. + +_Nick._ A Creature, Madam, which some People think unparallell'd, it may +be in my, Pow'r to help your Ladiship to, but 'tis a sort of Creature +that's always sighing for a Mate, if your Ladiship likes it as well as +some other Ladies have done; if I know the Creature, 'twou'd laugh and +toy, and kiss and fawn upon your Ladiship beyond all Womankind. + +La. _Rod._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, what Species is it of? + +_Nick._ Of Humane Species, Madam, your Ladiship shall examine it, but the +Ladies turn it into what shape they please, an _Ape_, an _Ass_, a +_Lizard_, a _Squirrel_, a _Spaniel_; most People say 'tis a _Man_, but the +Merchant that brought it from the _Cyprian Groves_, calls it a _Desponding +Lover_. + +La. _Rod._ A _Desponding Lover_, Mr. _Nicknack_, is indeed a very strange +Creature, but 'tis no Rarity, I'm pester'd with 'em at all Seasons, they +are continually intruding like one's poor Relations, more pragmatically +impertinent than one's Chaplain, and, were it possible, as impudent as +one's Footmen. + +_Nick._ But a sincere and constant Lover your Ladiship must allow a +Rarity. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] I must humour this Fellow's Vanity; he'll make an +admirable Tool to plague the _Collonel_--I understand you, Mr. _Nicknack_, +you have so pretty a way of discovering your self, 'twou'd charm any +Lady, and truly I see no difference between a Gentleman educated at +_Merchant-Taylor's-School_, and one at _Fobert_'s; only at our end o'the +Town, there's a certain Forwardness in young Fellows, that a Boy of +Fourteen shall pretend to practise before he understands the _Rule of +Three_. But what you tell me is a thing of that weight, it requires mature +Deliberation, a Conflict with one's self of a whole Age's debating: +Marriage, 'mongst the vulgar sort, is a Joke, a meer May-Game; with People +of Rank, a serious and well study'd Solemnity. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I'm in no very great haste, I am perfectly of your +Ladyship's Opinion, and can't think there's so mighty a Jest in Matrimony +as some People imagine; like a Country Fellow and a Wench, that will jig +it into Church after a blind Fidler, and are never in a dancing Humour +afterwards. People o' Quality are more apprehensive o' the matter, and +have a world o' business to do, we must first be seen particular together, +to give suspicion, and create Jealousies 'mongst the rest of your +Admirers; then it must be whisper'd to the Countess of _Intelligence_, to +carry about Town, or the Tea-Tables will drop for want of Tittle-tattle; +and afterwards your Ladyship's absolutely denying it, confirms ev'ry body +in the truth of it: As for Cloaths, Equipage and Furniture, they are soon +got ready, and if your Ladiship dislikes living i'the City, we'll take a +House at _Mile-End._ + +La. _Rod_. The City, Mr. _Nicknack,_ A very considerable Place! I have had +noble Suppers there. Suppers dress'd at _Russel_'s in _Ironmonger-lane_, +and have brought away Fifty Guineas at _Basset,_ when at this end o'the +Town I have lost three times Fifty for a sneaking Dish of _Chocolate_. +People too may talk of their want of Sense, but the suppressing +_Bartl'mew-Fair_ was a thing of that wondrous Consultation, it shews the +Citizens have prodigious Head-pieces. + +_Nick_. Your Ladiship has a just Notion of the City. I have read sev'ral +Acts of Common Council, that have really a world of Wit in 'em; but I'm +afraid, Madam, _Collonel Blenheim_ has so far ingratiated himself with +your Ladiship, I shall have a troublesome Rival to deal with. + +La. _Rod_. Not in the least, I admitted him only as a Visitant, but at +present I must be more particular with him; he's of late grown a little +irreverent towards our Sex, and I must check an insolent Humour he has got +of despising Matrimony; he'll be with me instantly, I'll dispose you, that +you may over-hear all, how I'll turn and wind him, cross him, humour him, +and confound him; when you think it proper make your Appearance, and we'll +both laugh at him. + +_Nick._ If your Ladiship pleases, I had rather laugh in my Sleeve, for +those blustering Officers, that are us'd to destroy whole Batallions, make +no more of murdering one Man, than an Alderman does of eating up a single +_Turkey_. + +La. _Rod_. Never fear him, Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have been Collonel i'th'_Train-Bands_ these seven +Years, and therefore ought not to want Courage; and tho' I never learnt to +fence, there's an admirable Master teaches three times a Week, at the +_Swan Tavern_ in _Cornhil_. [_Exeunt_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Now will I be Spitchcockt, if she han't an Inclination for the +_Collonel_, to coquet, and flirt and fleer, and plague half Mankind, only +because they like her, may be what you call a fine Lady, but in my mind +she has more fantastical Airs than a Kettle-Drummer. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE, _a Room in the_ Rose-Tavern. + +_The Bell rings_. + +[_Bar-keeper without_.] Where a Pox are you all; must Company wait an Hour +for a Room? + +[_A noise of Drawers_.] Coming, coming, coming, Sir. + + _Enter a Drawer with Lights_, Shrimp, Knapsack, and Master _Totty_. + +_Draw_. Please to be here, Gentlemen? + +_Shr_. What's become of your Beau-Drawer, that wore a long _Spanish_ Wig, +lac'd Linnen, silk Stockings, and a Patch? + +_Draw_. He happen'd, Sir, to make bold with a silver _Monteth,_ and is +gone for a Soldier--What Wine are you for Gentlemen? + +_Shr._ [_Aside to the Drawer_.] D'you know Sir _Harry Sprightly,_ Friend? + +_Draw_. Yes, Sir. + +_Shr_. What Wine does he drink? + +_Draw_. Three and Six-penny, Sir. + +_Shr_. I am his Servant, draw us the same. + +_Tot._ Bring me some Sack. [_Exit Drawer._ + +_Shr._ Well, Master, what think you of _London_ now, is not the rattling +of Coaches, the ringing of Bells, and the joyful Cry of _Great and good +News from Holland_, preferrable to the Country, where you see nothing but +Barns and Cow-houses, hear nothing but the grunting of Swine, and converse +with nothing but the Justice, the Jack-daw, and your old Grand-mother. + +_Tot._ Ay, marry is it, and if they ever get me there again, I'll give 'em +leave to pickle and preserve me; here are Drums and Trumpets, Soldiers and +Sempstresses, and fine Sights in ev'ry Street: In the Country we are glad +to go four Miles to see a House o'fire. Nay, wou'd you believe it, we +ha'n't so much as a Tavern in our Town; Gentlemen are forc'd to use Gammer +_Grimes's_ Thatch'd Ale-house, except the Curate be with 'em, and then +they smoke, and drink in the Vestry. + + [_Drawer enters with Wine._ + +_Knap._ Come, Master, here's my hearty Service t'you. + +_Tott._ Your hearty Servant thanks you, Sir--Mr. _Shrimp_, here's the +Respects of a Gudgeon t'you. + +_Shr._ Ah! you're an arch Wag. + +_Tott._ But, pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, where may a body buy a little Wit, my +Grand-mother charg'd me to get some; and, she says, bought Wit's best; +'tis a mighty scarce Commodity i'the Country; we have above two hundred +Gentlemen near us that never heard on't. Our Chaplain has a little, but +they say 'tis n't the right sort. + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_ can furnish you with five or ten Pounds worth when +you please. + +_Knap._ Mr. _Shrimp_, Master, has a much better Stock, but that you may +n't think I engross it to my self, as they say _Bull_ does Coffee, what I +have is at your Service. + +_Tott._ Sir, my Service t'you again, [_drinks_] This is much better than +_Lincoln_ Ale, fegs. + +_Knap._ What think you now, Master, of a pretty Wench to towze a little? + +_Tott_. He, he, he, [_grins_] I don't know what you mean, Sir. + +_Knap_. Had you never any pleasant Thoughts o'the Fair Sex. + +_Tott_. I never lay with any Body but my Grand-mother; when she was in a +good humour, she'd tickle a Body sometimes, but if she never meddl'd mith +me, I never meddl'd with her. + +_Knap_. A sapless old Hen, you might as well have lain with a +Paring-Shovel; but what think you of a young Woman, that's warm, tender +and inviting. + +_Shr_. By this Light, here's _Betty_ the Orange Woman from the Play-house. + + _Enter_ Betty. [_They_ rise + +_Bett_. Ah! you Devils are you here, why did n't you come into the Pit to +night, and eat an Orange,--who have you got with you, by my lost +Maidenhead, a meer Country Widgeon, you sly Toads will bubble him finely; +let me go snacks, or I'll discover it. Come, Fellows, drink about; +positively it's very cold, fitting so behind at the Box Doors. + +_Shr_. Honest _Betty_, here's Success to thee in ev'ry thing. + +_Bett_. Ay, Faith, but there's little to do this Winter yet, now the +Officers are come over, I hope, to have full Trade; I have had but one +poor Shilling giv'n me to Night, and that was for carrying a Note from a +Baronet in the Side Box to a Citizens Wife in the Gall'ry; but there was +no harm in't, 'twas only to treat with her here by and by, about borrowing +a hundred Pound of her Husband upon the Reversion of a Parsonage. +[_To_ Knap.] Red Coat your Inclinations. [_To_ Tott.] Sir, prosperity +t'you, you are got into hopeful Company. + +_Tott_. Thank you, Mrs. _Betty._ + +_Shr_. Prithee _Betty_ give us a Song. + +_Bett_. A Song, Pigsneyes, why, I have been roaring all Night with Six +_Temple_ Rakes at the _Dog_ and _Partridge_ Tavern in _Wild-street_, and +am so hoarse I cou'd not sing a Line, were the whole Town to subscribe for +me. + +_Knap_. Take t'other Glass, _Betty_. + +_Bett_. T'other Glass, Fellow, by the Bishop of _Munster_, these Puppies +have a Design upon me! but give it me, however, for all that know me, know +I never baulk my Glass. + +_Shr_. But the Song, the Song, _Betty_. [_She Sings_ + + SONG. + +I. + + _How happy are we, + Who from Virtue are free, + That curbing Disease of the Mind, + Can indulge ev'ry Taste, + Love where we like best, + Not by dull Reputation confin'd_. + +II. + + _When were Young, fit to toy, + Gay Delights we enjoy, + And have Crouds of new Lovers wooing; + When were old and decay'd, + We procure for the Trade, + Still in ev'ry Age we are doing_. + +III. + + _If a Cully we meet, + We spend what we get + Ev'ry Day, for the next never think, + When we die, where we go, + We have no Sense to know, + For a Bawd always dies in drink_. + +_Bett_. [_Aside to_ Shrimp.] Hark'e, Satan, where did you pick up this +modest Youth; does he bleed? + +_Shr_. Oh! abundantly. + +_Bett_. That's well, dress him up, and send him _to Will_'s Coffee-House +and he'll soon grow impudent. [_To_ Tott.] My dear, eat this Orange, and +gi'me Half a Crown. + +_Tott_. Half a Crown for an Orange! I can buy one in the Country for two +Pence. + +_Bett_. So you may in Town, lovely Swain, but ev'ry Smock I put upon my +Back costs me nine Shillings an Ell. + +_Knap_. But tell us, _Betty_, what Intrigues are going forward, your +publick Post brings you into a world of private Business, d'you know ever +an amorous Lady that would present me with a hundred Guineas to oblige +her? + +_Bett_. Thee, Child, Lord starve thee, a Foot Soldier! one o'the Infantry, +a Lady that's Fool enough to pay for her Pleasures, may provide her self +better out o' the Guards.--Come, gi'me t'other Bumper, nothing's to be got +here, I find, and I must run. + +_Shr_. Why in such hast, _Betty_? + +_Bett_. Haste, Creature, why the Fourth Act is just done, and t'other bold +Beast will run away with all the Money. + +_Knap_. Hark'e, _Bess_, don't stroddle over Peoples Backs so as you us'd +to do. + +_Bett_. Why, how now, Mr. Impudence, I think we do 'em too great an +Honour, and whoever affronts me for it I'll have him kick'd as soon as the +Play's over. [_Exit._ + +_Shr_. Come, my dear Boy, let's tope it about briskly; what think you of +this Lass? is she not frank and free? If you had her in a Corner, she'd +show you the way to _Lyme-house._ + +_Tott_. Are all your _London_ Women like her? Our Country Wenches are as +Cross with treading upon Nettles; there's _Margery_ our Dairy-Maid, I only +offer'd to feel her Bubbies, and she hit me a dowse o'the Jaws enough to +beat down a Stack o' Chimneys. + +_Shr_. We'll carry you to a Lady, Master, that shall stifle you with +Kindness, as pretty a piece of Wild-fowl as paddles about _Covent Garden_; +but you'll tip her a Guinea, her Lodgings are extremely fine; and you must +know a first Floor comes very dear. + +_Knap_. She's a Gentlewoman too, I'll assure you, her Father was hang'd in +_Monmonth_'s Time, wears as rich Cloaths as any Body, and never puts on +the same Suit twice. + +_Tot_. O Gemini, I long to see her; pray, Mr. _Knapsack,_ lets go; but +what shall I treat her with, boil'd Fowls and Oysters. + +_Knap_. Something that's very nice, she's mighty dainty at Supper; but her +constant Breakfast is a Red-Herring, and a quartern o' Geneva. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + _Lady_ Rodomont _and the Collonel discover'd_. + +L. _Rod_. Well, Collonel, now what think you of our Sex? Is there no Nymph +so sovereignly bright, whole matchless Beauty, Virtue, Wit and Fortune +you'd charm your rambling. Thoughts and chain you to her? + +_Coll_. The Goddess you describe, you too well know her wond'rous +Brightness, her commanding Excellence, where ev'ry Star seems glitt'ring +in her Person, and ev'ry Science cultivates her Mind; no Swain but kindles +at her vast Perfections, Sighs at her Feet, and trembles to approach her; +but then a baneful Mischief thwarts our Transports, and while we feast us +with luxuriant Gazing, that bug-bear Marriage rises like a Storm, clouds +ev'ery Beauty, blackens with approaching, and frights away the gen'rous +faithful Lover. + +L. _Rod_. You talk of Love with an unusual Warmth, you seem to feel it +too, and talk with Pleasure; and yet strange wand'ring Notions teaze your +Fancy, whose vain Allurements tantalize your Reason, and force you from +the Happiness you wish for. He that loves truly, loves without reserve; +the Object is the Centre of his Wishes, but your wild Sex that hurry after +Pleasure, whose headstrong Passions kindle ev'ry moment, admire each +Nymph, and eager to possess, you burn, you rage, and talk in tragick +Strains: But when the easy Maid believes, and blesses, when once you ha' +rifl'd, ravish'd and enjoy'd, ungratefully you slight the yielding +Charmer; your Love boil'd o'er descends to cold Indifference, and a +regardless Look rewards her Favours; were I inclin'd to wave my +Resolutions, and yield my self a Victim to Love's Pow'r, were I to chuse a +Man by Fortune slighted, and raise him to a more than common Affluence; +such is the Temper of your graceless Sex, there's not a Cottage Swain that +proves sincere. + +_Coll_. Cou'd you then, Madam, condescend to love, and cou'd a Lover +manifest his Passion, by constant waiting, vigilant Observance, by +sacerdotal Plights, and Faith inviolate, wou'd you prove kind, and take +him to your Arms. + +L. _Rod_. Of things impossible we lightly talk; if such a Man were found, +perhaps, I might. + +_Coll_. Cherish that Thought; believe there is that Man; believe you see +him now; observe him well. + +L. _Rod_. Ha! + +_Coll_. Read from his Eyes his passionate Concern, his flattering Hopes, +his anxious killing Fears; examine ev'ry Symptom, feel his Tremblings, +search to his Heart, and there find Truth unblemish'd; approve his Flame, +and nourish it with Favours. + +L. _Rod_. Have I caught you, Collonel; is this the Sum of all your +Self-sufficiency, your Matrimonial Hate, and boasted Liberty. [_Aside_.] +His Merits probably may vie with any, but sure he last shou'd hope a +Lady's Graces, who saucily arraigns her Sex's Pow'r. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I have a Miracle to tell you, the Collonel from a +blustering, ranting Heroe is dwindl'd to a panting, pining Lover; talks in +blank Verse, and Sighs in mournful postures: He the fam'd _Pyramus_, and I +bright _Thisbe_. + +_Nic_. I thought, Madam, the Collonel had been a profess'd Marriage-hater. + +L. _Rod_. Mr. _Nicknack_, we'll divert our selves at Picquet. When you +recover, Collonel, from this Lethargy, you'll play a Pool with us; Ladies +admit all sorts to lose their Mony. [_Exit Lady_ Rod. _and_ Nick. + +_Coll_. I have plaid a fine Card truly, now shall I be number'd with +those doating Fools, her Pride encourages, then Jilts, and laughs at. +She's fair, but, oh! the Treachery of her Sex. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. My dear Collonel, prithee why so pensive? I have had the +pleasantest Adventure this Afternoon, going to the Bank to receive Mony; +in _Pater-Noster-Row_ I saw two of the loveliest Sempstresses the Trade +e'er countenanc'd; I went into the Shop, struck up a Bargain, whipt over +to the _Castle_, where we eat four Crabs, top'd six Bottles, skuttl'd up +and down, kiss'd, towz'd and tumbl'd 'till we broke ev'ry Chair in the +Room. But you are so engag'd with Lady _Rodomont_, your Company's a +Blessing unattainable. + +_Coll_. Yes, I have been engag'd, and finely treated. The Syren with her +false deluding Arts, her Force of Words and seeming to comply, has drawn +me to declare my Passion for her; now rallies and despises all I said, and +hugs her self in baffling my Design. + +Sir _Har_. 'Tis like her Sex, they will ha' their Jades Tricks, but never +mind 'em; we'll to the Tavern and consult new Measures: Our Perseverance +is beyond their Policy. + + _The started Hare may frisk it o'er the Plain, + And the staunch Hound long trace her Steps in vain, + Swiftly she flies, then stops, turns back and views, } + Doubles, and quats, and her lost Strength renews, } + But tho' unseen, he still the Scent persues, } + 'Till breathless to a fatal Period brought, + The Hound o'ertakes her, and poor Puss is caught._ + + +The End of the Fourth ACT. + + + + +ACT V. + +SCENE, _Continues_. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Sir _Harry_, all this Rhet'rick won't prevail; whether you +term it Virtue, or Pride only, I am resolv'd to keep a Fame unspotted, in +spight of all temptations whatsoever. + +Sir _Har._ A Woman's obstinacy is no novelty; but where's the difference +'twixt a Mistress and a Wife. Only a Mistress has a much better Air; you +shall appear as gay and fine as any; strut in Brocade, and glitter in your +Jewels, 'till you put all virtuous Women out o'countenance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Impudence, Sir _Harry_, is a lewd Woman's Talent, and yet what +Creature is there so much dash'd as such an one that happens among +virtuous Ladies. If the Passion you profess be real, proceed with Honour, +and you may be heard: Not that I speak this to increase your Vanity; +Ambition only sways my Inclinations, and you must know; I have a mighty +mind to be a Lady. + +Sir _Har._ A Lady! why, my Servants shall all call you so; we'll live +together like Man and Wife, and I'll be so Constant, and so full of Love, +that ev'ry body shall believe we're marry'd. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Love and Constancy, Sir _Harry_, will plainly tell ev'ry body +we are not marry'd. + +Sir _Har._ [_aside_] Have her I must; but how shall I contrive it?--Oh! +a lucky Thought seizes me. Some Ladies after they have refus'd prodigious +Settlements, tell 'em but a Secret, and they'll grant you any thing. +I'll trump up a delicate Lie to tickle her Curiosity and serve the +_Collonel_.----Well, Madam, since you are resolv'd to cross me, I must +apply my self to those more kind tho' less agreeable, tho' had you giv'n +me but the least Encouragement to have shown my opinion of your Parts as +well as Person, I had trusted you with a Story worth your Attention, tho' +'tis a most prodigious Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov_. A Secret! Sir _Harry_, positively, I will know it. + +Sir _Har_, Then ev'ry body'll know it for a Secret. 'Tis a thing of that +dangerous Consequence, Madam, shou'd it e'er be divulg'd, I may have my +Throat cut about it; and pray, what security have I either for your +Fidelity, or that in return you'll favour my Addresses. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis well known, Sir _Harry_, I can keep a Secret; I have +found Ladies cheat at Cards, seen Ladies steal Tea-Spoons, and have never +spoke on't; nay more, I once caught a Lady making her Husband a Cuckold, +and I never discover'd it.----I'll tell you who it was, my Lady +_Elcebeth_.---- + +Sir. _Har._ Nay, Madam, you have giv'n me prodigious Proofs of your +Secrecy, and I'll disclose the Matter. _Collonel Blenheim_ having been so +intollerably us'd by Lady _Rodomont_ is just going to be marry'd to my +Lady _Catterwawl_, the rich Widow in the _Mewse_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Indeed! + +Sir _Har_. The Lady has regarded him some Years, and her Woman, Mrs. +_Squatt_, has often brought him Presents and Messages which he receiv'd +but coldly, admiring Lady _Rodomont_; but her ill treatment makes him now +resolve gratefully to marry one, who not only will advance his Fortune, +but intirely Loves him. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, you have oblig'd me infinitely, I wou'd'nt but +have known this Story for the World. + +Sir _Har_. But when shall we be happy in each other? + +Mr. _Lov_. I'll give you leave to hope; when I have study'd well, what +Virtue is, I'll tell you more; but at present I must leave you, for I have +a hundr'd and fifty Holes to mend in a lac'd Head just going to the Wash. + +Sir _Har_. Not a Word o'the Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov._ [_angrily_] Sir _Harry_, I'm no tattler, depend upon't; 'tis +lock'd up in this Breast, safe and secure as lodg'd within your own +[_aside_]. I'm ready to burst, 'till I tell it my Lady. + +Sir _Har_. So she's brimful of it already.----Now _Exit_, for my Friend to +humour the design. [_Exit._ + +_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +L. _Rod_. Prithee, Cozen, what is't you mean by the _Collonel_'s going to +be marry'd? You credulous Creatures, that are ignorant of the World, +believe all the stuff you hear. Or suppose him going to be marry'd; why do +you trouble me with such idle Stories? + +Mrs. _Lov_. Nay, Madam, your Ladiship need'n't be discompos'd about the +Matter, I only told it you as a piece o'news, and if it be no concern +t'you, you may soon forget it. + +L. _Rod_. Discompos'd, Creature! Have you had your being in my Family so +long not to know nothing under the Sun's considerable enough to discompose +me? But 'tis a thing impossible; it's not two Hours since he kneel'd to +me, said his sole Happiness depended on my Smiles, with utmost Arguments +enforc'd his Passion, faulter'd, look'd pale, and trembl'd as he spoke it: +Not that I who have had foreign Princes at my Feet, value the conqu'ring +an _English_ Collonel; but I that know my Power infallible, drew him by +policy to that Confession, to have him, as I wou'd have all Mankind, my +Slave. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, Madam, affirm'd it with that unaffected Air of +Truth, enjoyn'd me so strict a Secrecy in the Matter, saying, if't were +discover'd his Life might be in danger; that you must pardon me, Madam, if +I can't help believing it. + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, you that have never been beyond _Tunbridge-Wells_, +must'nt dispute with me that know the Intreagues of ev'ry Court and +Country. Matches an't so easily made up, nor is it probable my slighting +him, shou'd make another Lady value him; if it be true, he must have been +in League with her some time, and, certainly, I shan't care to be +banter'd.----But I'll know that presently;--Where are all my Fellows? +prithee, Cozen, bid one of 'em come, hither. [_Exit Mrs._ Lov. + + _Enter_ Footman. + +Who order'd you, you fat, heavy heel'd Booby; you are two Hours creeping +to the Gate? Call another,-- + + _Enter another_ Footman. + +Nor you you Sot, you'll loiter at ev'ry Ale-house you come to. +Send in the _Yorkshire_ Footman that's never out o'breath;---- + + _Enter a Third_. + +This Fellow's an intollerable Fool too; d'you hear Changling, go to _Young +Man's_ Coffee-house, enquire for _Collonel Blenheim_; if he's not there, +run to the _Smyrna, White's, Tom's, Will's, Offendo's_, and the _Gaunt_; +tell him I desire to speak with him presently; search the _Park_, the +_Play house_, and all the Taverns and Gaming-houses you can think on; for, +positively, if you don't find him, I'll immediately turn you off. + + _Re-enter Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I hope, Madam, your Ladiship's not displeas'd with me; 'tis my +int'rest to oblige in ev'ry thing, where daily I receive such numerous +Favours. [_Aside_]. She has the Money, and I must submit, tho' 'tis well +known, I'm of a much better Family. + +L. _Rod_. Excuse me, dear Cozen, and don't imagine the most finish'd +Cavalier cou'd shake my firm Resolves; but when a Fellow's arrogance shall +dare to proffer his unwelcome worthless Love, then villainously act the +same Part elsewhere; Honour won't let me tamely acquiesce. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Madam, Mr. _Nicknack_ desires the favour of kissing your +Hands. + +L. _Rod._ Pray admit him, Cozen, he's rich and personable, very good +humour'd, and no Fool: His aspiring at me does indeed show a prodigious +stock of Vanity; but 'tis a failing, People o'the best Sense are liable +to, and I had rather prove a Man too ambitious than to have no spirit at +all. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I'm so us'd to you of late, methinks your absence gives me +some Chagrin; where have you been this tedious long half Hour? + +_Nick_. When we flung up the Cards, Madam, I went to see the two Children +that grow together; I wish 'twere your Ladiship's case and mine. + +L. _Rod._ We shou'd rejoice to be parted agen. + +_Nick._ But has your Ladiship contemplated prodigiously o'the Matter? For +really, Madam, I begin to find my self in more hast than I thought I was. + +L. _Rod._ Already, Mr. _Nicknack_, you're too hasty; tho' I have this +opinion of you, a Match with you requires less _pro_ and _con_ than with +some others; but I fancy People look so silly when they're going to be +marry'd, to see 'em walk demurely up the Church, so sheepishly consenting +and asham'd; with shoals of gaping Fools, that crowd about 'em, as if a +Marriage were a Miracle; prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, that I may guess a +little at the Matter for a Frollick, let my Footman marry you, and my +Cozen together. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Mr. _Nicknack_, and I, Madam. + +_Nick._ Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and I, Madam, a very good Jest i'faith. + +L. _Rod._ But you must believe, you're really marry'd, or how shall I +discover the true Air of it? + +_Nick._ But, Madam, is not believing what one knows to be false, somewhat +like a Tradegy Actress; who while she's playing a Queen or Empress, is +full as haughty, and thinks her self as great. + +L. _Rod._ Oh! a strong faith often deprives People of their Senses. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have frequently told monstrous Stories, 'till I ha' +believ'd 'em my self. + +L. _Rod._ We'll step into the next Room, I have a Fellow too that has the +best Puritanical Face you ever saw; but the Society o'the Livery has +secur'd him from ever being a Saint. +[_Exeunt_ + + + +SCENE, _Lady_ Tossup's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Tossup, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +_Flim._ Madam, the Major desires the Honour of kissing your Ladyship's +Hands. + +_L. Toss._ The Major, _Flimsy!_ What Major? Major _Bramble_; What business +can the Major have with me? + +_Flim._ Perhaps, Madam, he's come to pretend to your Ladyship. I have +often caught him rolling his Eyes at your Ladyship, and several times +o'late, he has watch'd above an Hour at the Tabernacle Door to see your +Ladyship come out. + +L. _Toff._ It may be so? but he's old, _Flimsy_. + +_Flim._ He's not quite Fifty, Madam, and they say, He has his Health very +well. + +L. _Toss._ Nay, he's rich; but, I hear, he makes Love to Lady _Rodomont_; +if he slights her for me, I shall receive him more candidly to be reveng'd +on her for affronting me in the _Park_--Pray _Flimsy_ introduce him. + + _Enter_ Bramble. + +A Visit, Major, from a Person of your incessant Negotiations, and refin'd +Politicks is a Grace so peculiar, that I want Assurance to receive it, and +Capacity to acknowledge it. + +_Bram._ 'Tis for my Improvement, Madam, to address a Lady whose superiour +Talents so much excel those Politicks, her condescending Goodness pleases +to commend in me. The great Monarch o'_France_ thinks it his int'rest on +ev'ry nice point o'State to visit the greater Madam _Maintenon_. + +L. _Toss._ [_aside_] Nay, I always read the Votes, and can tell what +_nemine contradicente_ means. I vow the Major's Oratory is extravagantly +well dress'd! I wonder, Sir, your transcending Abilities are not more +taken notice of at Court! Methinks you shou'd be sent Ambassadour +Extraordinary to some magnanimous Prince in _Terra Incognita_; for I'm +certain, you must understand more Languages than were ever heard of. + +_Bram._ Int'rest, Madam, as much depresses true Merit, as a flutt'ring +Assurance over pow'rs real Beauty, otherwise my Intellects might shine as +much above modern Statesmen as your Ladyship's Person wou'd out sparkle +Lady _Rodomont_'s. + +L. _Toss._ D'you really think, Major, my Personage more complete than my +Lady's? + +_Bram._ Madam, there's no more comparison between Lady _Rodomont_ and your +Ladyship, than between a dazling Dutchess and a _Wapping_ Head-dresser: If +the surprizing Sight, and continual Idea of your Ladyship had not +discompos'd my Thoughts and confounded my Politicks, the Confederates had +never taken _Lisle_. + +L. _Toss._ Indeed, Major, I'm very sorry for it truly [_aside_]. D'you +hear, _Flimsy_, you will have me lay it on so thick; but I hope 'twill be +retaken agen. + +_Bram._ Is your Ladyship disaffected, then, to the Government? + +L. _Toss._ The most of any body, for I have been three times at Court, and +they have brought me no Chocolate. + +_Bram._ 'Twas a prodigious Affront; and if you'll believe me, Madam, I'm +disaffected to ev'ry kind o'thing but your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss._ What if we adjourn into the Drawing-Room Major? We'll sit upon +the Squabb, drink Whistlejacket, and abuse all Mankind. + +_Bram._ Nature, Madam, has sufficiently expos'd all Mankind, in forming +your Ladyship so far beyond 'em. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and the_ Collonel. + +L. _Rod._ _Collonel_, I sent for you to wish you Joy, I hear you're to be +marry'd. + +_Coll._ [_aside._] It works I find; Sir _Harry_'s Thought was admirable-- +Yes, Madam, your Ladyship made such fine Encomiums on Matrimony, with so +much Rhetorick, and force of Reason, that you have persuaded me into that +comfortable State. + +La. _Rod._ I persuade you, did I use any Arguments to persuade you to't. +[_Aside._] How he tortures me; but I'll be calm--Have I seen the Lady, +_Collonel_; did she ever appear in Company; pray how is she built. + +_Col._ Built as other Women are, Madam; she has her Gun-Room, her +Steerage, her Fore-Castle, her Quarter-Deck, her Great-Cabbin, and her +Poop; as for her good Qualities, few Women care to hear each other +prais'd; but I'll tell you what Imperfections she has not: She is no proud +conceited haughty Dame, that tow'rs over Mankind with an Estate; no +vain Coquet, that loves a Croud of Followers, invites and smiles, that +drills 'em to admire her; then basely, like a false dissembling +_Crocodile_, prevaricates, and jilts their well-meant Passion. + +La. _Rod._ Hum! + +_Col._ She's rich and beautiful, yet humble too, thinks herself not the +_Phoenix_ o' the Age, nor seems surpriz'd, or mortify'd, to find Ladies a +multitude that far excel her. + +La. _Rod._ Very well. + +_Col._ In short, She has Sense to know a Gentleman that offers Love +sincere, whose Character maintains his just Pretensions, ought to be +treated with the like Regard; and that a faithful and a tender Husband +sufficiently repays the Dross of Fortune. + +La. _Rod._.[_Aside._] He has drawn me to the Life, but I'll return it-- +Such humble things make admirable Wives, and Women when they marry +hectoring Blades, must buy their Peace with wond'rous Condescension, but +when a Lady's unexception'd Graces, artless, immaculate, and universal, +impow'r her to select thro' ev'ry Clime; nay, when she grasps the fickle +Pow'r of Fortune, and is to raise the Man she stoops to wed, Lovers must +sue on more submissive Terms; no Task's too hard when Heav'n's the Reward. +I have a Lover too, no blust'ring Red-Coat, that thinks at the first Onset +he must plunder, bullies his Mistresses, and beats his Men; but when two +Armies meet in Line of Battle, your finest _Collonels_ often prove the +coolest. + +_Col._ Hah! + +La. _Rod._ No Libertine, who infamously vile, burlesques the happiest +Order of Mankind; yet when some Hit shall probably present, can play the +Courtier, to promote his Int'rest, and fondly press what his Soul starts +to think on. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] The Woman speaks truth, by _Jupiter_. + +La. _Rod._ In short, he's humble too, so very humble, he's shockt, and +startles at his high-plac'd Love: He has Wit and Breeding, Virtue, Birth +and Fortune, and yet no spark of Pride appears throughout him, but when I +kindle it with my Commands; nor does he serve, as 'tis his Duty only, but +smiles, prepares, is eager for my Orders, and flies to the Obedience I +require. + +_Col._ Take him, take him. Madam, you have found the only Man to fit your +purpose--I wou'dn't bate one Inch of my Prerogative for ne'er a mony'd +Petticoat in _Europe_. + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel_, these flirting Humours misbecome you, and lighten +not, but aggravate your Baseness. A Thing how much abhorr'd must he +appear, who villanously shall attempt, a Lady, propose, and solemnly +pursue a Conquest, when he, long since, by strictest Oaths and Promises, +has vow'd, been sworn and plighted to another. + +_Col._ You but surmise, as yet I've made no Contract; you were the only +Idol of my Soul, nor did I harbour the least Thought of others, 'till your +Pride us'd me with such poor Contempt, 'twas not sufficient to reject my +service, but you must bring a Fop to mock my Passion, as if I had been an +Animal for sport. + +La. _Rod._ Suppose it true; [_Aside._] my Pride wou'd fain suppose it-- +suppose I us'd you ill too, nay derided you, cou'd you not bear a Flirt +from one you lov'd; had you conceiv'd a bright and lasting Flame, and not +a Vapour, flashing and extinguish'd, you'd ha' born ten times more. Were I +a Man, that knew my strength of Reason, had Sense to ruminate on Women's +Frailties, I'd laugh at all their Spleen, despise their Vapours, and since +a certain Blessing's the Reward, receive their Humours with unmov'd +Philosophy; but to fly off e'er you had well propounded, to leave your +Mistress 'cause she try'd your Courage, was pusillanimous, and few'll +suppose Valour in Arms breeds Cowardice in Love. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] She has struck me dumb, and I'm her Fool again, must +tell her all, and supplicate her pardon, resign my self entirely to her +Will, and trust to her to use me as she pleases----Madam----. +[_Fault'ring._ + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel!_ + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har._ Ha, ha, ha, I never knew a Scene more nicely acted; to see two +Lovers pet, and thwart, and wrangle, when they are just expiring for each +other. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] Has he observ'd us too; how I'm confus'd? + +Sir _Har._ But come, come, you have brought the Play to a conclusion; an +Audience wou'd be tir'd to hear more on't. + +_Col._ Why, really, Madam, after all, you have so pretty, so winning an +Air, that o' my Conscience, I think, I cou'd marry you. + +La. _Rod._ And, really, _Collonel_, you have so silly, so sneaking an Air, +that o' my Conscience, you'll make an excellent Husband; but I'm afraid, +_Collonel_, you are so tainted with _French_ Principles, having forag'd in +that Country, you'll be for Tyranny, and arbitrary Government. + +_Col._ And I'm afraid, Madam, you're so obstinate in _English_ Principles, +you'll submit to no Government at all--but the Age has adjusted that +matter, for marry'd People now-a-days are the quietest, best natur'd +Creatures, and live together like Brother and Sister. + +La. _Rod._ Nay, of marry'd Folks, a Soldier's Wife is the happiest, for +half the Year you're in _Flanders_, and one an't plagu'd with you. + +_Col._ And t'other half we are busie in raising Recruits, and don't much +disturb you. + +La. _Rod._ Positively, _Collonel_, I'll not have abundance of Children. + +_Col._ As few as you please, Madam. + +La. _Rod._ For to be mew'd up in a Nursery, with six dirty Boys, those +diminutive Apes, of the Father's dull Species. + +_Col._ And as many trolloping Girls, that are the greatest Drugs in +Nature--Well, Madam, since we're come to talk of Procreation, it must be a +Match; and tho' I courted you in a careless way, to please your Humour, +know now, I do love thee beyond measure; thou shalt have Progeny +innumerable; we'll walk to Church with our good Deeds after us; and let +'em be dull or homely, as we must suppose 'em, when they are lawfully +begot, there is a Pleasure, a Tenderness in nursing Children, which none +but Mothers know. + +Sir _Har._ Why isn't this better now than fretting and fuming at one +another; People shou'd marry first, and quarrel afterwards. Oh! here comes +pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and some more of the good Family. + +_Enter_ Nicknack, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +_Nick._ Well, Madam, how does your Ladyship like the Air o' Matrimony. + +La. _Rod._ Extremely well, Mr. _Nicknack_, methinks my Cousin and you make +a most suitable, agreeable Couple, 'tis pity but you were marry'd in +earnest. + +Mrs. _Lov._ In earnest, Madam! pray what have we been doing all this +while. + +_Nick._ Doing, _Precious_, does the chatt'ring over a few Words by her +Ladyship's spruce Footman, in his fine Head o' Hair signify any thing; +don't let your Faith intoxicate you neither. + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, _Precious_, but the chattering over a few Words by a +spruce Parson, in his fine Head o' Hair, which I took care to provide, and +put into her Ladyship's Livery, does signifie somewhat. + +_Nick._ Ha! + +La. _Rod._ What Cousin, have you depriv'd me of my Lover? + +Mrs. _Lov._ I knew your Ladyship had a much superiour Aim, but my Ambition +soars no higher than being an honest Citizen's Wife. + +_Nick._ Don't it so, Mrs. _Ambush_? Methinks you ha' soar'd prodigiously +in that; do you imagine the Ladies of _Billiter-Lane_, St. _Mary-Ax_, and +_French-Ordinary-Court_ will think you their equal. + +La. _Rod._ I must tell you, Mr. _Nicknack_, you have marry'd a +Gentlewoman, whose Education equals the best; her Wit and Breeding will +refine your City. + +_Nick._ Will her Wit and Breeding new furnish my House, or buy a Thousand +Pound Stock in the _Hollow-Blade-Company_. [_To Mrs._ Lov.] Well, Madam, +since you have plaid me a t'other end o'the Town Trick, I shall prove a +t'other end o'the Town Husband, and have nothing to say to you when I can +get any body else. + +Mrs. _Lov._ I then, Sir, shall prove a t'other end o'the Town Wife, and +find a great many Persons that shall have a great deal to say to me. + +Sir _Har._ [_Aside to Mrs._ Lov.] Have you kept the Secret, Madam? + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, Sir _Harry_, But you'll be oblig'd to me to keep another +Secret, that you endeavour'd to debauch me. + +Sir _Har._ You gave me such Hopes, Madam, that you'll keep that for your +own Reputation. [_To_ Nick.] Your pardon, Sir, for whispering your Lady. + +_Nick._ Sir, I have more Manners than to be jealous, especially of what I +don't care two pinches of Snuff for. + + _Enter Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, _Major Bramble_, and his Lady. + +La. _Rod._ _Major Bramble_, and his Lady! + +Sir _Har._ Oh! my Lady _Toss-up_, Madam, has marry'd the _Major_; I met +'em coming from _Covent-Garden-Church_, with Five hundred Boys after 'em. + + _Enter_ Bramble, _and Lady_ Toss-up. + +_Bram._ Hearing, Madam, your Ladyship had almost engag'd your self, I was +resolv'd to lay aside all Animosities, and let you know, I have taken to +Wife the most incomparable Lady _Toss-up_. + +La. _Toss._ And that your Ladyship might not engross the whole Sex, I +receiv'd the _Major_, to let you know I have room for one Lover. + +La. _Rod._ I never knew a more surprizing Couple, such a Conjunction's +Policy indeed; State-Matches never have regard to Faces. +[_Noise without._] Bring 'em along, bring 'em along. + + _Enter_ Constable, _and others, with_ Totty, Shrimp, _and_ Knapsack. + +_Col._ What means this Intrusion? + +_Con._ Is Sir _Harry Sprightly_ here? + +Sir _Har._ I am he. + +_Con._ An't please your Baronetship, searching some Houses of ill repute, +in one of 'em we found these three Gentlemen, [_pointing to_ Totty _and_ +Knapsack.] with three Women; and searching a little further, under a fat +Whores Petticoats, we found this little Gentleman, [_Pointing to_ Shrimp.] +but saying they belong'd to your Honour, we brought 'em hither before we +went to the Justice. + +Sir _Har_. They do belong to me; here's a Crown for you to drink; pray +leave us. + +_Tot_. If you be Sir _Harry Sprightly_, my Grand-Mother will be very angry +when she hears how these Fellows ha' daub'd my Cloaths. + +Sir _Har_. [_To_ Shrimp.] Was that the Place I order'd you to carry the +Boy to. + +_Tot_. Boy, the Gentlewoman I ha' been with, did'n't think mee a Boy. + +Sir _Har_. What Gentlewoman? + +_Tot_. Why, we ha been at the Tavern, where we drunk pure Sack, and saw +Madam _Betty_, the Orange-Lady; and afterwards we went to fine Madam +_Over-done_'s stately Lodgings in _Vinegar-Yard_, where we ha' been as +merry as my Grand-Mother, when she gets drunk with _Plague-Water_. [_Feels +his Pockets._] Ah Lard! Mr. _Shrimp_, where's my Hundred Pound Bill? + +Sir _Har_. The Lady you ha' been with, I guess, has pickt your Pocket, and +these Fellows are to share it with her. + +_Tot_. She pick my Pocket! why she had a Furbelow-Scarf on. + +Sir _Har_. Come, come, I'll reimburse you, and send you back into the +Country; you are not sharp enough for the Profession design'd you; where +you may boast among your ignorant Acquaintance, that you have a perfect +Knowledge o' the Town, for you have met with two very great Rogues, got +drunk at a Tavern, been at a common Brothel, and have had your Pocket +pickt of a Hundred Pounds. [_To_ Knapsack.] For you, Friend, the +_Collonel_ will take care of you; [_To_ Shrimp.] and for you, Rascal---- + +_Bram_. I profess, Sir _Harry_, a Couple of promising Youths; a Boy shou'd +n't be trusted with so much Money; these Persons have seen the World, and +know how to employ it----Gentlemen, if your Masters discard you, I'll +entertain you. [_Aside_.] I find by their Phis'nomies they'll be rising +Men; and tho' they came sneaking into the World, like other People, and +paid a Tax for their Births, they'll go out of it a more sublime way, and +cheat the Church of their Burials. + +_Col_. Punish'd they shall be, but 'tis now unseasonable; this Day I'd +wish an universal _Jubilee_----What say you to a Dance, good People, my +Lady's Servants are all musical. + +_A DANCE._ + +Col. _The Wav'ring Nymph, with Pride and Envy sir'd, + Ranges the World, to be by all admir'd; + Thro' distant Courts, and Climes, she bears her way, + And like the Sun, wou'd course 'em in a Day; + At length Fatigu'd, she finds those Trifles vain, + Meer empty Joys, repeated o'er again: + But when by Nature urg'd, weak Fancy fails, + And Reason dictating, sound Sense prevails; + Wisely she takes the Lover to her Arms, + And owns her self subdu'd by Love's more potent Charms._ + + + + +The EPILOGUE, + +Spoken by Mrs. _Bradshaw_. + + +_Poets of late so scurrilous are grown, +Instead of Courting, they abuse the Town: +And when an_ Epilogue _entirely pleases, +In thundering Jests, it takes the House to pieces; +The_ Pit _smiles when the_ Gallery_'s misus'd, +The_ Gallery _sniggers when the_ Pit_'s abus'd_; +Side-Boxes _wou'd with Ladies Foibles play, } +But they themselves stand Buff to all we say, } +For nothing strikes them Dead, but_--Please to pay: } +_The_ Upper Regions _angry if pass'd by; +But when some wond'rous_ Joke _shall thither fly._ +Faith, _Jack_, here's Sense and Learning in this Play, +We'll make our Ladies come the _Poet's_ Day. +_This Author wou'd by gentler Means persuade you, +And rather sooth your Follies than degrade you. +Parties may rail, and bully Courtiers Graces, +But fawning, well-tim'd Ballads, shou'd get_ Poets _Places. +Your Absence lately, how we all have mourn'd; +Some pray'd, some fasted too, till you return'd: +But now those melancholly Days retire, +And eager Wit restrain'd, darts fiercer Fire: +Favours unlimited we hope you'll grant us, +And not let dear-bought_ Foreigners _supplant us. +This_ PLAY, _our Author hopes, may please the Town, } +Not that He claims a Merit of his own,_ } +But half our_ Comick Bards _are dead and gone. } +Things scarce attainable more nice appear_; +Coffee _was scarce a Treat, till very dear. +To raise his Genius, with some pains he strove, +As we in Acting shou'd each Day improve. +But as Whims only seem to please this Age, } +If Wit and Humour won't your Hearts engage,_ } +We'll have a Moving-Picture on the Stage. } + + +_F I N I S._ + + + +(final leaf, recto) + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER + William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +R.C. BOYD + University of Michigan + +E.N. HOOKER + University of California, Los Angeles + +JOHN LOFTIS + University of California Los Angeles + +The Society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. + + +Publications for the fifth year [1950-1951] + +(_At least six items, most of them from the following list, will be +reprinted._) + +FRANCES REYNOLDS. (?) _An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Taste, and +of the Origin of Our Ideas of Beauty, &c._ (1785). Introduction by James +L. Clifford. + +THOMAS BAKER. _The Fine Lady's Airs_ (1709). Introduction by John +Harington Smith. + +DANIEL DEFOE. _Vindication of the Press_ (1718). Introduction by Otho +Clinton Williams. + +JOHN EVELYN. _An Apologie for the Royal Party_ (1659). _A Panegyric to +Charles the Second_ (1661). Introduction by Geoffrey Keynes. + +CHARLES MACKLIN. _Man of the World_ (1781). Introduction by Dougald +MacMillan. + +_Prefaces to Fiction._ Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT. _Poems._ + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY. _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY. _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). (Facsimile +of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem.) + +To The Augustan Reprint Society +_William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +2205 West Adams Boulevard +Los Angeles 18 California_ + +_Subscriber's Name and Address_ +______________________________ +______________________________ +______________________________ + + +_As_ MEMBERSHIP FEE _I enclose for the years marked_ + +The current year $ 2.50 +The current & the 4th year 5.00 +The current 3rd & 4th year 7.50 +The current, 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 +The current 1st 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 + (_Publications_ NO. _3 & 4 are out of print._) + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + +NOTE _All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing +and mailing._ + + + + +PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +First Year (1946-1947) + +1. Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams_, translated by J.V. Cunningham. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fine Lady's Airs (1709), by Thomas Baker + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FINE LADY'S AIRS (1709) *** + +***** This file should be named 14467-8.txt or 14467-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/6/14467/ + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) + +Author: Thomas Baker + +Release Date: December 25, 2004 [EBook #14467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FINE LADY'S AIRS (1709) *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Thomas Baker + +THE FINE LADY'S AIRS + +(1709) + +With an Introduction by +John Harrington Smith + + +Publication Number 25 + +Los Angeles + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1950 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +In the first decade of the eighteenth century, with comedy in train to be +altered out of recognition to please the reformers and the ladies, one of +the two talented writers who attempted to keep the comic muse alive in +something like her "Restoration" form was Thomas Baker.[1] Of Baker's four +plays which reached the stage, none has been reprinted since the +eighteenth century and three exist only as originally published. Of these +three the best is _The Fine Lady's Airs_; hence its selection for the +_Reprints_. + +Baker's career in the theatre was as successful as should have been +expected by any young man who after his first play attempted to swim +against rather than with the current of taste. His first effort, entitled +_The Humour of the Age_, was produced at D.L. c. February 1701, and +published March 22,[2] the author having then but reached his "Twenty +First Year" (Dedication). It must have been well received, for Baker +speaks of "the extraordinary Reception this Rough Draught met with." +Indeed, it has in it, despite some "satire," a number of motifs which +would recommend it to the audience. Railton, the antimatrimonialist and +libertine of the piece, is given the wittiest lines, but his attempt to +seduce Tremilia, a grave Quaker-clad beauty, is frowned on by everyone, +including the author; and when the rake attempts to force the lady, +Freeman, a man of sense, intervenes with sword drawn and gives him a stern +lecture. In the end, when Tremilia, giving her hand to Freeman, turns out +to be an heiress who had assumed the Quaker garb to make sure of getting a +disinterested husband, the error of Railton's ways becomes apparent. At +the same time his cast mistress, whom he had succeeded in marrying off to +a ridiculous old Justice, is impressed by Tremilia's "great Example." +"How conspicuous a thing is Virtue!" says she, in an aside; and she +resolves to make the Justice a model wife. Despite much wit the play is +thus, in its main drift, exemplary. + +Baker followed with _Tunbridge-Walks: Or, The Yeoman of Kent_, D.L. Jan. +1703, a play good enough to pass into the repertory and to be revived many +times in the course of the century. The variety of company and the holiday +atmosphere of the English watering-place had inspired good comedies of +intrigue, manners, and character eccentricities before this date (e.g. +Shadwell's _Epsom Wells_ and Rawlins' _Tunbridge-Wells_). Baker decorates +his scene with such "humours" as Maiden, "a Nice Fellow that values +himself upon all Effeminacies;" Squib, a bogus captain; Mrs. Goodfellow, +"a Lady that loves her Bottle;" her niece Penelope, "an Heroic Trapes;" +and Woodcock, the Yeoman, a rich, sharp, forthright, crusty old fellow +with a pretty daughter, Belinda, whom he is determined never to marry +but to a substantial farmer of her own class: her suitor, a clever +ne'er-do-well named Reynard, of course tricks the old gentleman by an +intrigue and a disguise. It is Reynard's sister Hillaria, however, "a +Railing, Mimicking Lady" with no money and no admitted scruples, but +enough beauty and wit to match when and with whom she chooses, who +dominates the play; and though Loveworth, whom she finally permits to win +her, is rather substantial than gay, she is gay enough for them both. The +action, though somewhat farcical, has verve throughout, and the dialogue +crackles. And, as regards the nature of comedy, Baker now knows where he +stands. There is no character who could possibly be taken as an "example." +On the contrary, whenever a pathetic or "exemplary" effect seems imminent +Hillaria or Woodcock is always there to knock it on the head. Thus when +Belinda goes into blank verse to lament the paternal tyranny which was +threatening to separate her from Reynard, + +What Noise and Discord sordid Interest breeds! +Oh! that I had shar'd a levell'd State of Life, +With quiet humble Maids, exempt from Pride, +And Thoughts of Worldly Dross that marr their Joys, +In Any Sphere, but a Distinguished Heiress, +To raise me Envy, and oppose my Love. +Fortune, Fortune, Why did you give me Wealth to make me wretched! + +Hillaria comes in: + +Belinda in Tears--Now has that old Rogue been Plaguing her--Poor Soul!... +Come, Child, Let's retire, and take a Chiriping Dram, Sorrow's dry; I'le +divert you with the New Lampoon, 'tis a little Smutty; but what then; we +Women love to read those things in private. _(Exeunt)_ + +Within a year Baker had another play ready--_An Act at Oxford_, with the +scene laid in the university town and some of the characters Oxford types. +Whether through objections by the University authorities or not (they +would perhaps have thought themselves justified in bringing pressure, +for Baker certainly does not treat his _alma mater_ with great respect) +the play in this form was not acted. Baker published it in 1704, in the +Dedication referring to "the most perfect Enjoyment of Life, I found at +Oxford" and disclaiming any intention to give offence, he then salvaged +most of the play in a revision, _Hampstead Heath_ (D.L. Oct. 1705), +with the scene changed to Hampstead. It is as non-edifying as +_Tunbridge-Walks_. The note is struck on the first page, when Captain +Smart, who has been trying to read a new comedy entitled _Advice to All +Parties_, flings it down with expressions of ennui; shortly thereafter +Deputy Driver, a member of a Reforming Society, appears on the scene to be +twitted because while pretending to reform the whole world he can't keep +his own wife from gadding; and matters proceed with Smart's project to +trick a skittish independence-loving heiress into keeping a compact she +had made to marry him, and his friend Bloom's attempts at the cagey virtue +of Mrs. Driver. The latter project comes to nothing, but both hunter and +hunted find pleasure in the chase while it lasts. When Mrs. D. returns to +the Deputy at the end, her motive for reassuming his yoke is a sound one-- +she's out of funds; and her advice to him, "If you'd check my Rambling, +loose my Reins," is sound Wycherleyan sense. It must be admitted that when +one compares the dialogue of _Hampstead Heath_ with that of the _Act_ some +punches are shown to have been pulled in the revision.[4] While keeping +the play comic Baker still did not wish to push the audience too far. + +In December, 1708 he made his fourth and (as it proved) final try for fame +and fortune in the theatre with _The fine Lady's Airs,_ He claims that it +was well received (see Dedication) and he had his third night, but +D'Urfey, whose enmity Baker had incurred, says (Pref. to _The Modern +Prophets_) that the play was "hist," and _The British Apollo_, which +carried on a feud with Baker in August and September of 1709, makes the +same assertion in several places.[5] This, to be sure, is testimony from +enemies. But obviously the play was far less liked than _Tunbridge-Walks_ +had been, and thus (to compare a small man with a great one) Baker's +experience was something like Congreve's, when, after the great success of +_Love for Love, The Way of the World_ won only a tepid reception. And it +is chiefly Congreve whom he takes for his model; the play is an attempt at +a level of comedy higher than Baker had aimed at before. He does not +always succeed: Congreve's kind of writing was not natural to Baker, and +the lines sometimes labor. Still, the Bleinheim-Lady Rodomont duel has +merit; and Sir Harry Sprightly (though of course he owes something to +Farquhar's Wildair), Mrs. Lovejoy, and Major Bramble are all in Baker's +best manner. On the whole it was a better play than the audience in 1708 +deserved. Presumably Baker felt this, for he wrote no more for the stage. + +Most of the account of Baker's life pulled together in the DNB article on +him has a decidedly apocryphal ring to it. The statement (first made in +_The Poetical Register_, 1719) that he was "Son of an Eminent Attorney of +the City of London" sounds like something manufactured out of whole cloth +by a compiler who in fact had no idea whose son Baker was. The _Biographia +Dramatica_ had "heard" that the effeminate Maiden in _Tunbridge-Walks_ + + was absolutely, and without exaggeration, a portrait of the author's + own former character, whose understanding having at length pointed + out to him the folly he had so long been guilty-of, he reformed it + altogether ... and wrote this character, in order to ... warn others + from that rock of contempt, which he had himself for some time been + wrecked on. + +Nothing on its face more improbable than this could well be imagined. +And that Baker could have "died ... of that loathsome Distemper the +_Morbus Pediculosus_" (sketch of him in _Scanderbeg,_ 1747) does not sound +likely, either.[6] + +A lead to more solid information is furnished by the circumstance of +Baker's having been educated at Oxford. We have seen (above) that he was +barely twenty-one when _The Humour of the Age_ was printed in March of +1701. A Thomas Baker, son of John Baker of Ledbury, Hereford, was entered +at Brasenose College, Oxford, on March 18, 1697, aged seventeen.[7] The +ages falling so pat, this must be our dramatist. Upon taking his B.A. at +Christ Church in 1700 he must immediately have set to scribbling his first +play (the Dedication says that it was "writ in two months last summer"). +Perhaps at this time he lived in London in some such boarding-house as +furnishes the scene for the play. + +He may have been already studying law, for at least by 1709 (we cannot +tell how much earlier) he was "by trade an Attorney."[8] It seems likely +that various touches in the comedies reflect his training for this +calling. In _The Humour of the Age_, Pun and Quibble, the principal fops, +are a pair of articled law-clerks who detest green-bags and (it comes +out at one point) are collaborating on a play. (Readers of the present +reprint will note, also, that the money which Master Totty brings with him +from the country is to recompense an attorney for training him in law). +Perhaps Baker could never afford to study law as those well off did: there +may be a tinge of sour grapes in the observation in _Tunbridge-Walks_ that +"since the Lawyers are all turn'd Poets, and have taken the Garrets in +Drury Lane, none but Beaus live in the Temple now, who have sold all +their Books, burnt all their Writings, and furnish'd the Rooms with +Looking-glass and China." But this is light-hearted, as becomes a man who +has not yet had a setback as a stage-poet. Two years later, after the +stopping of _An Act at Oxford_ had put him to much trouble, he is souring +somewhat, for the poor Oxford scholar says in _Hampstead Heath_ that no +profession nowadays offers much prospect of success for a man trained +as he, and, as for poetry, one can only expect to be "two years writing +a Play, and sollicit three more to get it acted; and for present +Sustenance one's forc'd to scribble _The Diverting Post, A Dialogue +between Charing-Cross and Bow Steeple_, and Elegies upon People that are +hang'd." + +When in December 1708 _The Fine Lady's Airs_ gained only a moderate +success Baker must have thought of a living in the Church as a _pis +aller_, for he enrolled at Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge, March 8, +1709, and took an M.A. there the same year. In a final attempt to succeed +with his pen he seems to have tried periodical journalism in the guise of +"Mrs. Crackenthorpe" in _The Female Tatler. The British Apollo_, at least, +pinned this on him. "The author poses as a woman," it says, in effect, +"and some may thus be taken in," + + But others will swear that this wise Undertaker + By Trade's an At--ney, by Name is a B--r, + Who rambles about with a Female Disguise on + And lives upon Scandal, as Toads do on Poyson.[9] + +Perhaps it was this which, taken quite literally, produced the _Biographia +Dramatica's_ canard as to Baker's effeminacy (see above). + +After grinding out a greater or less amount of this hack-work,[10] Baker +gave up trying to write. His disappearance from the scene thereafter is +accounted for by his appointment (1711) to a living in Bedfordshire, where +he was Rector of Bolnhurst till his death, and (1716-31) Vicar of +Ravensden. As the Bolnhurst school was founded upon a bequest from him in +1749,[11] he presumably died in that year--but not, I should guess, of +_morbus pediculosus_. + +_John Harrington Smith +University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +NOTES TO INTRODUCTION + +[Footnote 1: The other was William Burnaby. His plays have been given a +modern editing by F.E. Budd (Scholartis Press, 1931).] + +[Footnote 2: Nicoll, _Early Eighteenth Century Drama_, Handlist of Plays. +For all subsequent statements as to dates of production I follow this +source.] + +[Footnote 3: It was still too lively, however, to be acted outside London. +The Harvard Theatre Collection has a copy once owned by Joe Haines with +"cuts" designed to soften it for playing in the provinces. Such lines as, +"The Godly never go to Taverns, but get drunk every Night at one another's +Houses," "Citizens are as fond of their Wives, as their Wives are of other +People," and "Virtue's an Impossibility ... every Citizen's Wife pretends +to't," are carefully expunged.] + +[Footnote 4: E.g., Bloom to Mrs. Driver, "One moment into that Closet, if +it be but to read the Practice of Piety" becomes "One Moment into that +Closet, Dear, dear Creature; they say it's mighty prettily furnish'd," And +in her aside, "I vow, I've a good mind; but Virtue--the Devil, I ne're was +so put to't i' my Life," for the words "the Devil" are substituted the +words "and Reputation."] + +[Footnote 5: No. 50, Sept. 14; No. 61, Oct. 26.] + +[Footnote 6: According to the impression I have of this "morbus" it was a +skin-ailment particularly appropriated to beggars, who might contract it +upon long exposure to filth and louse-bites. Even then, though there would +doubtless be a certain amount "of discomfort about it, it would scarcely +prove fatal.] + +[Footnote 7: This and subsequent vital statistics as to Baker's university +and clerical career are from the account of him in J. and J.A. Venn, +_Alumni Cantabrigienses_, 1922 _et sq_.] + +[Footnote 8: _British Apollo_, No. 49, Sept. 14, 1709.] + +[Footnote 9: _Ibid._] + +[Footnote 10: Both Paul Bunyan Anderson, "The history and authorship of +Mrs. Crackenthorpe's _Female Tatler_," _MP_, XXVIII (1931), 354-60, and +Walter Graham, "Thomas Baker, Mrs. Manley, and _The Female Tatler_," _MP_, +XXXIV (1937), 267-72, think that some, at least, of the _F.T._ is from +Baker's pen, but they disagree as to what part and how much. I am +considering the matter and may have an opinion to express in future.] + +[Footnote 11: _Victoria History of Bedfordshire_, II, 181 n.; III, 128.] + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. +A +COMEDY. + + +As it is Acted at the +THEATRE-ROYAL IN _DRURY-LANE._ + +Written by the Author of the _Yeoman of Kent_. + + +_LONDON_: + +Printed for BERNARD LINTOTT at the _Cross-Keys_, between +the Two _Temple_ Gates in _Fleetstreet_. + +Price 1_s._ 6_d_. + + + + +TO + +Sir _ANDREW FONTAINE_ + + +To Address a Man of your Character, gives me greater Concern than to +finish the most Elaborate Play, and support the various Conflicts which +naturally attend ev'ry Author; how the Town in general will receive it. + +To harangue some of the First Quality, whose Titles are the greatest +Illustration we can give 'em, is a sort of Common-Place Oratory; which +Poets may easily vary in copying from one another; but, when I'm speaking +to the most finish'd young Gentleman any Age has produced, whose +distinguish'd Merits exact the nicest Relation, I feel my inability, and +want a Genius barely to touch on those extraordinary Accomplishments, +which You so early, and with so much ease, have made Your self perfect +Master of. + +But, when I reflect on the Affability of Your Temper, the generous and +obliging Reception, You always gave me, and the ingaging Sweetness of Your +Conversation, I'm the more incourag'd to pay my Duty to You in this +Nature, fully persuading my self, You'll lay aside the Critick, by +considering, in how many Respects, Your condescending Goodness has shown +You are my Friend. + +The vast stock of Learning You acquir'd in Your Non-age, has manifested to +the World, that a Scholar, and a fine Gentleman are not Inconsistent, and +rendered You so matchless an Ornament to the University of _Oxford_, +particularly to _Christ-Church-_College, where You imbib'd it. + +'Tis a Misfortune that attends many of our _English_ Gentlemen to set out +for Travel without any Foundation; and wanting a Tast of Letters, and the +Knowledge of their own Country, the Observations they make Abroad, to +reflect no further, are generally useless and impertinent. + +But You so plentifully were furnish'd with all this Kingdom afforded, that +Foreign Languages became Natural to You, and the unparallell'd Perfections +You accumulated Abroad, particularly Your most Judicious and Critical +Collection of Antiquities, made You so eminently Conspicuous, and justly +Admir'd at the Great Court of _Hannover_, and since Your Return, have so +cordially recommended You to the good Graces of the most Discerning +Nobleman in the Kingdom. + +Amongst other Degrees of Knowledge, I have heard You express some value +for Poetry; which, cou'd one imitate Your right Tast of those less +profitable Sciences, who permit it but at some Seasons, as a familiar +Companion to relieve more serious Thoughts, and prevent an Anxiety, which, +the constant Application, You have always been inclin'd to give harder +Studies, might probably draw on You, is an Amusement worthy the greatest +Head-piece. But 'tis so deluding a Genius, Dramatick Poetry especially, +that many are insensibly drawn into to it, 'till it becomes a Business. To +avoid that Misfortune, I'm now almost fix'd to throw it intirely by, and +wou'd fain aim at something which may prove more serviceable to the +Publick, and beneficial to my self. + +Cou'd I have the Vanity to hope your Approbation of this _Comedy_, 'twou'd +be so current a Stamp to it, that none, who have the Honour to know You, +wou'd pretend to dispute it's Merit; but tho' I'm satisfy'd in Your good +Nature, I must be aw'd with Your Judgment; and am sensible there are +Errors in it infinitely more obvious to Your Eye, than a greater Part of +the Polite World; however, as it had the Fortune to be well receiv'd, and +by some of the best Judges esteem'd much preferable to any of my former, +and as it was highly favour'd the Third Night with as beautiful an +Appearance of Nobility, and other fine Ladies, as ever yet Grac'd a +Theatre. I hope, you'll in some measure Protect it, at least that you'll +pardon this Presumption, since I have long pleas'd my self with the Hopes, +and impatiently waited an Opportunity of publickly declaring how much I +am, + +_SIR_, + +_Your most Devoted, +and Obedient humble Servant_, + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +Written by Mr. MOTTEUX. + + +_So long the solitary Stage has mourn'd, +Sure now you're pleas'd to find our Sports return'd. +When Warriors come triumphant, all will smile, +And Love wirh Conquest crown the Toyls of_ Lille. +_Tho from the Field of Glory you're no Starters, +Few love all Fighting, and no Winter-Quarters. +Chagrin French Generals cry_, Gens temerare +_Dare to take_ Lille! _We only take the Air. +No, bravely, with the Pow'rs of_ Spain _and_ France, +_We will--Entrench; and stand--at a distance: +We'll starve 'em--if they please not to advance. +Long thus, in vain, were the Allies defy'd, +But 'twas ver cold by that damn'd River Side. +So as they came too late, and we were stronger, +Scorn the Poltrons, we cry'd-- +March off;_ morbleu, _we'll stay for 'em no longer; +The little Monsieurs their Disgrace may own, +Now ev'n the Grand ones makes their Scandal known. + +Mean while, without you half our Season's wasted. +Before 'tis_ Lent _sufficiently we've fasted. +No matter how our Op'ra Folks did fare, +Too full a Stomach do's the Voice impair._ +Nay, you your selves lost by't; for saunt'ring hither +You're safe from all but Love, four Hours together. +Some idle Sparks with dear damnd Stuff, call'd Wine, +Got drunk by Eight, and perhaps sows'd by Nine, +O'er Politicks and Smoke some rail'd some writ, +The Wiser yawn'd, or nodded o'er their Wit. +O'er Scandal, Tea, Cards, or dull am'rous Papers, +The Ladies had the Spleen, the Beaux the Vapors. +Some went among the Saints without Devotion; +Nay more, 'tis fear'd went thro' a wicked Motion. +But the kind Female Traders well may boast, +When we're shut up, their Doors are open'd most. + +I dare engage, they, by the Vint'ners back'd, +Wou'd raise a Fund, so they alone might act. +With them 'tis ne'er Vacation, tho' we lose, +The Courts shut up, they Chamber Practice use. + +Since therefore without Plays, tho' call'd a Curse, +The Good grow bad, the Bad grow worse and worse, +Show misled Zeal what Ills infest the Age, +And truly to reform, support the_ British _Stage_. + + + + Dramatis Personae. + +MEN. + +Sir _Harry Sprightly_. Mr._Mills_. + +Brigadier _Blenheim_, just return'd from the Army. Mr._Wilks_ + +Mr. _Nicknack_, a Beau-Merchant. Mr._Cibber_. + +_Major Bramble_, a factious old Fellow. Mr._Johnson._ + +Master _Totty_, a great Boy. Mr._Bullock_. + +_Knapsack_, an Attendant on the _Collonel_. Mr._Pinkethman_. + +_Shrimp_, Sir Harry's Valet. Mr._Norris_. + + +WOMEN. + +Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Oldfield_. + +Lady _Toss-up_. Mrs._Porter_. + +Mrs. _Lovejoy_, Cousin to Lady _Rodomont_. Mrs._Bradshaw_. + +Mrs. _Flimsy_, Lady _Toss-up's_ Woman. Mrs._Saunders_. + +_Orange-Woman._ Mr. _Pack_. + +_Mercer, Manto-Maker, Sempstress, Toyman, India-Woman,_ +and other Attendants. + + +SCENE LONDON. + +In the Month of _December_. + + + + +THE +Fine Lady's Airs: +OR, AN +EQUIPAGE of LOVERS. + + + + +ACT I. SCENE I. + + + _Sir_ Harry _discover'd dressing; and_ Shrimp _attending_. + +Sir _Har_. Where had you been last Night, you drunken Dog, that you +cou'dn't take care of me when I was drunk. + +_Shr_. I happen'd, Sir, to meet with some very honest Gentlemen, that have +the Honour to wait upon other Gentlemen, where Wit and Humour brighten'd +to that degree, we pass'd about the Glass, 'till we lost our Senses. + +Sir _Har_. Wit, you Rascal! Have you Scoundrels the impudence to suppose +your selves reasonable Creatures? + +_Shr_. Sir, we are as much below Learning, indeed, as our Masters are +above it; but why mayn't a Servant have as good natural Parts? + +Sir _Har_. Mend your Manners, Sirrah; or you shall serve the Queen. + +_Shr_. Ev'ry Man ought to mend his Manners, Sir, that pretends to a Place +at Court; but the Queen's mightily oblig'd to some People.--Has a +Gentleman an impudent rakish Footman, not meaning my self, Sir, that wears +his Linen, fingers his Money, and lies with his Mistress;--You Dog, you +shall serve the Queen.--Has a Tradesman a Fop Prentice, that airs out his +Horses, and heats his Wife, or an old Puritan a graceless Son, that runs +to the Play-House instead of the Meeting, they are threathen'd with the +Queen's Service; so that Her Majesty's good Subjects, drink her Health, +wish success to her Arms, and send her all the Scoundrels i'the Nation. + +Sir _Har_. Fellows that han't sense to value a Civil Employment are +necessary to front an Army, whose thick Sculls may repulse the first Fury +of the Enemy's Cannon Bullets. + +_Shr_. I hope, then, the _English_ are so wise to let the _Dutch_ march +foremost.--But why, Sir, shou'd you Gentlemen ingross all the Pleasures +o'Life, and not allow us poor Dogs to imitate you in our own Sphere;--You +wear lac'd Coats; We lac'd Liv'ries;--You play at Picquet; We at +All-Fours;--You get drunk with Burgundy; We with Geneva;--You pinck Holes +with your Swords; We crack Sculls with our Sticks;--You are Gentlemen; We +are hang'd. + +Sir _Har_. A fine Relation; but, methinks, the latter Part of it might +deter you from such Courses. + +_Shr_. I'm a Predestinarian, Sir; which is an Argument of a great Soul, +and will no more baulk a drunken Frolick, than I would a pretty Lady that +takes a Fancy to me. + +Sir _Har_. No more of your Impertinence; attend, I hear Company (Shrimp +_goes to the Door_) Brigadier _Blenheim_ return'd from the Army! + + _Enter_ Collonel, _and_ Knapsack. + +Sir _Har_. My noblest, dearest Collonel, let me imbrace you as a +_Britain_, and as a Friend. _Ajax_ ne'er boasted _English_ Valour; +_Ulysses_ ne'er such Conduct; nor _Alexander_ such Successes. The Queen +rejoices; the Parliament vote you Thanks; and ev'ry honest Loyal Heart +bounds at our General's Name. + +_Col_. Ay, Sir _Harry_, to be thus receiv'd, rewards the Soldier's Toils; +and, faith, we have maul'd the fancy _French-men,_ near Twenty Thousand we +left fast asleep, taught the remaining few a new Minuet-step, and sent 'em +home to sing _Te Deum_. + +_Knap_. Ay, Sir, and if they are not satisfied, next Campaign the +_English_ shall stand still, and laugh at their Endeavours; the _Dutch_ +Snigger-snee 'em; the _Scotch_ Cook them; and the wild _Irish_ eat 'em. + +_Col_. Oh! The glorious Din of War; the Energy of a good Cause, and the +Emulation of a brave Confederacy.--To sound the Charge; Make a vigorous +Attack, the Enemy gives ground,--To pour on fresh Vollies of a sure +Destruction, and return deafn'd with shouts o' Victory, and adorn'd with +glitt'ring Standards of the vanquish'd Foe. + +_Knap_. To hang up in _Westminster-Hall_, and make the Lawyers stare off +their Briefs;--But the Harmony of sounding a Retreat,--to hug my self with +two Arms, and walk substantially upon both my Pedestals, or the health of +Mind in lying sick at _Amsterdam_. + +_Col_. Ay, here's a sorry Rascal, that lags always behind, and is afraid +to look Death i'the Face. + +_Knap_. Why, really, Sir, 'tisn't manners to march before the _Colonel_; +and upon a warm Engagement, I have heard you talk musically of good +Conduct. Besides, that Mr._ Death_ is but a Hatchet-face Beau, so lean, +and wither'd like an old Dutchess, or a Doctor o' Physick, I had as live +see the Devil. + +Sir _Har_. But when the Lines are forc'd, the Enemy slain, and the Placs +loaded with rich Plunder.-- + +_Knap_. None so nimble, none so valiant, none so expert as your very +humble Servant _Nehemiah Knapsack_. + +_Col_. But, who are the raigning Beauties o'the Age? What Favours will +they grant a Soldier after a hard Campaign, fatiguing Marches, desp'rate +Attempts, and narrow Escapes, to preserve them from Rapine, Violence, and +Slav'ry, that they may laugh away the Day in gay Diversions, and pass the +silent Night in silver Slumbers on their Downy Beds? + +Sir _Har_. Just as many Favours as you have Money or _Mechlin_ Lace to +purchase: Women apprehend not the Danger of War, and therefore have no +Notion of Gratitude. + +_Coll_. Oh! The thoughts of scatt'ring small Shot among the sparkling +Tribe, to feast my Senses upon dear Variety, have ev'ry Day a new dazling +Beauty, and ev'ry Hour to taste the Joys of Love. + +Sir _Har_. Don't fancy, _Collonel_, because you have beat the _French_ you +must conquer all the Ladies; there are Women that dare resist you boldly, +will exact your Courage beyond attacking a Fortress, and maintain a hotter +Engagement. + +_Col._ If you mean Women of the Town, some of 'em wou'd give a Man a warm +Reception--Yet I long to be traversing the _Park_, ogling at the Play, +peeping up at Windows, and ferreting the Warren o' _Covent-Garden_, till I +seize on some skittish dapper Doxie, whose pretty black Eyes, dimpling +Cheeks, heaving Breasts, and soft Caresses, wou'd melt a Man--for half a +Guinea. + +_Knap_. How I long too, to wheedle in with some Buxom Widow, that keeps a +Victualling-House, to provide me with Meat, Drink, Washing and Lodging--to +find out some delicious Chamber-Maid, that will pawn her best Mohair-Gown, +sell even her Silver-Thimble, and rob her Mistress to shew how truly she +loves me; or intrigue with some Heroick Sempstress, that will call me her +_Artaxerxes_, her _Agamemnon_, and give me six new Shirts. + +Sir _Har_. And now the tedious Summer is elaps'd, and Winter ushers in +neglected Joys; Armies march home victorious from the Field, Ladies from +Parks and Plains that mourn'd their absence; a Croud of Pleasures glut the +varying Appetite, and Friends long absent meet with gayest Transports. + +_Col_. Ay, Winter is the gay, the happy Season: I hate a Solitary Rural +Life, as if one were at variance with the World; to walk with Arms +a-cross, admire Nature's Works in Woods and Groves, talk to the Streams, +and tell the Trees our Passion, while Eccho's make a Mock at all we say-- +Give me the shining Town, the glittering Theatres; there Nature best is +seen in Beauteous Boxes, where Beaus transported with the Heavenly Sight, +the little God sits pleas'd in ev'ry Eye, and Actors dart new Vigour from +the Stage, supported By the Spirit of full Pay--But what great Fortunes +buz about the Town; Red-Coats have carry'd off good store of Heiresses, +and that's the sure, tho' not the sweetest Game; besides, Sir _Harry_, +they talk of Peace, and we that have nothing but the Sword to trust to, +ought to provide against that dreadful Day. + +_Knap_. Really, Sir, I have had some Thoughts of Marriage too; there's +nothing like being settl'd, to have a House of one's own, and Attendants +about one; besides, I'm the last Male, of a very ancient Family, and +shou'd I die without Children, the _Knap-sacks_ wou'd be quite extinct. + +Sir _Har._ The Talk, the Pride, and Envy of the Town is Lady _Rodomont_, +whose Wit surprizes, whose Beauty ravishes, and a clear Estate of Six +thousand a Year distracts the admiring Train; but the Misfortune is, she +has Travell'd, had Experience, well vers'd in Gallantries of various +Courts; she admits Coquets, and rallies each Pretender, so resolutely fond +of Liberty, she slights the most accomplish'd of Mankind, there _Collonel_ +is a Siege to prove a _Roman_ or a _Grecian_ Bravery. + +_Col._ A _Roman_ or a _Grecian_, say you, bold _Britains_ laugh at all +their baubling Fights; and had _Achilles_, with his batt'ring Rams, felt +half the Fury of an _English_ General, _Troy_ had ne'er bully'd out a Ten +Years Siege--but Ladies are more craftily subdu'd; you mustn't storm a +Nymph with Sword and Pistol, pursue her as you wou'd a tatter'd +_Frenchman_, push her Attendants into the _Danube_, then seize her, and +clap her into a Coach--I'll baffle her at her own Argument, swear I'd not +wed a _Phoenix_ of her Sex, and laugh at Dress and Beauty, Wit and +Fortune, when purchas'd only at the Price of Liberty--then sweeten her +again with ogling Smiles, look Babies in her Eyes, and vow she's handsome; +and when she thinks each artful Glance has caught me, that now's the time +to Conquer, and to Laugh, and with malicious Cunning mentions Marriage, +I'll start, and change, and beg her not to name it, for 'tis a Thought +that rouses Madness in me, 'till out of Spight and Spleen, and Woman's +Curiosity, the Knot's abruptly ty'd, to prove my feign'd Resolves, and +boast her Power. + +Sir _Har._ Tis well design'd, and may the Soldier animate the Lover: For +my part, I'm so devoted to my Pleasures, and so strangely bigotted to a +single Life, I have sold an Estate of Two thousand a Year, to buy an +Annuity of Four: I love to Rake and Rattle thro' the Town, and each +Amusement, as it happens, pleases. The Ladies call me Mad Sir _Harry_, a +Careless, Affable, Obliging Fellow, whom, when they want, they send for. I +wear good Cloaths to 'Squire'em up and down; have Wit enough to Chat, and +make'em Giggle, and Sense enough to keep their Favours secret--But from +Romantick Love, Good Heav'n defend me. A Moment's Joy's not worth an Age's +Courtship; and when the Nymph's Demure, and Dull and Shy, and Foolish and +Freakish, and Fickle, there are Billiards at the _Smyrna_, Bowles at +_Marybone_, and Dice at the _Groom-Porter_'s--Are you for the Noon-Park. + +_Col._ With all my Heart. + +Sir _Har._ There the _Beau-Monde_ appear in all their Splendour--Here, +_Shrimp_, [_Enters._] entertain the _Collonel_'s Servant--An Hour hence +you'll hear of us at _White_'s. [_Exeunt._ + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_, are you for a Dish of _Bohee_: My Master has been +just drinking, and the Water boils-- +[_Goes out, and returns with a Tea-Table._ + +_Knap._ Not to incommode you about it, Mr. _Shrimp_. + +_Shr._ Well, Mr. _Knapsack_, we brave _Britains_ conquer all before us: +Why you have done Wonders this Campaign. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, the Name of an _English_ General Thunder-strikes +the _French_, as much as it invigorates the Allies; for when he comes, he +cuts you off Ten or Twenty thousand, with the same Ease as a Countryman +wou'd mow down an Acre of Corn; tho', after all, I was in some pain for +our Forces, not being able to do 'em any personal Service; for you must +know, Mr. _Shrimp_, I am mightily subject to Convulsions, and just before +ev'ry Engagement I was unluckily seiz'd with so violent a Fit, they were +forc'd to carry me back to the next wall'd Town. + +_Shr._ Are you for much Sugar in your Tea, Sir? + +_Knap._ As much as you please, Sir. + +_Shr._ Have you made many Campaigns, Mr. _Knapsack_? + +_Knap._ This was the first, Mr. _Shrimp_, and I'm not positive that I +shall ever make another; for next Summer, I believe, some Business of +moment will confine me to this Kingdom--Pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, why don't you +exert your self in the Service; the Gentlemen of the Army wou'd be glad of +so sprightly an Officer as you among 'em. + +_Shr._ O dear, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm of so unfortunate a Stature, they'd +trample me under their Feet; besides, I have no Genius to Fighting; I +cou'd like a Commission in a Beau-Regiment, that always stays at home, +because a Scarlet-Lac'd-Suit, a Sash and Feather command Respect, keep off +Creditors, and make the Ladies fly into our Arms. + +_Knap._ Ay, Mr. _Shrimp_, I don't doubt but you have good store +of Mistresses. Why you look a little thin upon the matter, ha! + +_Shr._ No, no, Mr. _Knapsack_, I'm as moderate at that Sport, as any Man; +I must own, when a pretty Lady comes betimes in a Morning to my Master, +and he, poor Gentleman, is in a dead Sleep with hard Drinking, I do now +and then take her into the next Room, play the Fool with her a little till +my Master wakes, then give her a Dram of Surfeit-Water, and put her to Bed +to him, now there's Safety in such an Amour, for my Master hasn't his +Mistresses from a profess'd Baud; I have found him out a conscientious old +Gentlewoman, that's one of the sober Party, and acquainted with most +Citizens Daughters, that have as much Inclination to turn Whores as a +Chamber-Maid out of Place, and the old Lady is so passionately fond of my +Master, because he was once so charitable to do her the Favour, she sends +him the choicest of all her Ware--but to pick up a dirty Drab in the +Eighteen-penny-Gallery, with a rusty black Top-knot, a little Flower in +her Hair, a turn'd Smock, and no Stockings, the Jade wou'd poyson you like +Eighteen-penny-Wine. + +_Knap._ I find, Mr. _Shrimp_, you Gentlemens Gentlemen have all your Cues. + +_Shr._ Ah! Mr. _Knapsack_, there's more goes to the finishing of a true +Valet, than tying a Wig smartly, or answering a Dun genteely. I have +sometimes such weighty Matters warring in my Brains, and a greater +Conflict with my self how I shall manage 'em, than a Merchant's +Cash-keeper, that's run away with two thousand Pounds, and can't resolve +whether he shall trust the Government with it, or put it into the _East +India_ Company--I only wish it were my Fate to serve some Statesman in +Business; for Pimping often tosses a Man into a Place of three hundred a +Year, when Mony shall be refus'd, Merit repuls'd, and Relations thought +impudent for pretending to't.--But, I believe, Mr. _Knapsack_, our Hour's +elaps'd, for tho' our Masters may n't want us, we that are at Board-wages +love to smell out where they dine. + +_Knap._ The Motion, Mr. _Shrimp_, is admirable, for really the Tea begins +to rake my Guts confoundedly. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomont's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy, _follow'd by a Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, the Mercer, the Manto-Maker, the Sempstress, the +India-Woman, and the Toy-Man attend your Ladiship without. + +L. _Rod._ Admit 'em,--this Grandeur, Cozen, which those o' Quality assume +above the Populace, to have obsequious Mechanicks wait our Levee in a +Morning, is not disagreeable; then they are as constant as our Menials, +and the less Mony one pays 'em, the more constantly they attend. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Those Ladies, Madam, that want Mony to pay 'em, wou'd gladly +excuse their Attendance. + +L. _Rod._ Cozen, 'tis Ill-breeding to suppose People o' Quality want Mony, +they have Business, Visits, Company, and very often are not in a Humour to +part with it; when we have Mony, we are easie, whether we pay it or no; +and 'tis affronting the Nobility, not to observe their Decorums. + + _The Trades-People Enter._ + +[_To the Mercer._] Mr. _Farendine_, this Silk has so glaring a Mixture of +preposterous Colours, I shall be taken for a North Country Bride; and so +very substantial, I believe you design'd it for my Heirs and Successours. + +_Mer._ Madam, 'tis a very well wrought Silk. + +L. _Rod._ So well wrought, it may serve one in a Family for twenty +Generations.--Have you sold any Wedding Suits lately? + +_Mer._ Yes, Madam, I sold a yellow and white Damask, lin'd with a Cherry +and blew Sattin, and a Goslin green Petticoat to Mrs. _Winifred Widgeon_ +i'the Peak, that marry'd Squire _Hog_ o' _Darby_,--'twas her Grandmother +_Trott_'s Fancy. + +L. _Rod._ Nay, those old Governants, that were Dames of Honour to Queen +_Bess_, make their Daughters appear as monstrous in this Age, as they +themselves did in that.--Well, Mr. _Farendine_, when you have any thing +slight and pretty, let me see it. [_To the Manto-Maker_] Mrs. _Flounce_, +this Sleeve is most abominably cut. + +_Mant. Mak._ Madam, 'tis exacly the Shape of my Lady _Snipe's_, and she s +allow'd to be the Pink o'the Mode. + +L. _Rod._ My Lady _Snipe_, who ever heard of her? + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Madam, that's the over-dress'd Lady in _Fuller's Rents_, +the first in _England_, that wore Flow'rs in her Hair; She has 5000_l._ +indeed, but they say 'tis in bad Hands, and the Town has neglected her +these ten Years. + +L. _Rod._ And wou'd you have me appear like a Turn-stile Creature? why +d'you work for such Trumpery? have you not Business enough from Court. + +_Mant. Mak._ Truly, Madam, I'm glad to accept of a Gown from any Body; for +the Ladies, now-a-days, are grown so saving, they make all their +Petticoats themselves. + +L. _Rod._ Don't you work into the City too? + +_Mant. Mak._ Yes, Madam, I have eleven Gowns to finish against Sunday, for +very good Customers, and very religious People. + +L. _Rod._ Religious People! This Creature is so employ'd by the +_Canaille_, I shall have my Cloths cut to pieces, dear Cozen, let _Buda_ +make me a Suit with Expedition, I'll present this to the Play-House. + +_Semp._ Does your Ladyship like your Head, Madam? + +L. _Rod._ The Lace, Mrs. _Taffety_, is so course and so heavy, I'm ready +to sink beneath the weight of it. + +_Semp._ Madam, 'tis right _Mechlin_, cost me Six Guineas a Yard, and I +bought it too of a Merchant, that has smuggl'd many a hundred Pounds +worth. + +L. _Rod._ There you please me, English People are extremely fond of what's +forbid, we commonly obey our Parents, and the Government much a-like; and +tho' the State prohibits _Flanders_ Lace, French Alamodes, and India +Sattins, we have 'em all by the way of _Holland_.--These Ruffles too are +so furiously starch'd, I shall throw People down as I move along. + +_Semp._ The Ladies, Madam, love a stiff Ruffle, for shou'd the Wind blow +it aside, your Ladyship's Elbow might catch cold, but I'll slacken my Hand +i'the next.--Does your Ladyship want a very fine short Apron? + +L. _Rod._ Women o' Quality, Mrs. _Taffety_ have left 'em off, and those +Ladies that do wear 'em, generally make 'em of their old Top-knots +[_to the India Woman_] Mrs. _Japan_, you are a Stranger here, I hav'n't +seen you since I paid off your last Bill, + +_Ind. Wom._ Oh, Madam! I have been at Death's Door, the Hypocondriacks +have so prey'd upon my Spirits, they have destroy'd my Constitution, such +Rotations i'my Head, such an Oppression at my Stomach--but I ha' brought +you a Pound of Bohee, so purifying, 'twill give your Ladyship a new Mass +of Blood in a Quarter of an Hour. + +L. _Rod._ Mrs. _Chince_ has much better. + +_Ind. Wom._ Then will I eat Mrs. _Chince_.--Shall I show you some fine +India Pictures? + +L. _Rod._ I hate those Shadows o' Men half finish'd. + +_Ind Wom._ I must own the Substance of a Man well finish'd is much +better,--but here's a Set o'_Japan_ Cups will ravish your Ladyship, a +Tradesman's Wife long'd, and miscarry'd about 'em. + +L. _Rod._ I'm overstock'd with _China_, and they say 'tis grown so common. +I intend to sacrifice mine to my Monkey. + +_Ind. Wom._ Nay, pray, my Lady, buy somewhat of me, you know I'm in great +Tribulation, I trusted a couple of Trollops, that were turn'd out of the +Play-House, for having too much Assurance for the Stage, and set up a +little Shop in _Spring Garden_; and the bold Jades are gone a stroling +Fifty Pounds in my Debt. Besides, I have just now a lazy Trull of a +Daughter, that run away with a Foot Soldier, return'd big with the Lord +knows what, and that's no small Charge to me, that am forc'd to pad it +about for a Livelihood. + +L. _Rod._ Well, you may leave a Pound of Powder. + +_Ind. Wom._ [_Aside._] A Pound of Powder, pox o'your Generosity, these +great Ladies are grown as stingy as if they paid one ready Mony, were it +not for a City-bubble now and then, I might e'en go dance with the Dogs in +_May-Fair_. + +L. _Rod._ [_To the Toy-Man._] Mr. _Gimcrack_, what new Fancies have you +brought this Morning? + +_Toy-M._ A Pair of nice _Genoa_ Gloves for your Ladyship, curiously made +up in a gilt Wallnut Shell. + +L. _Rod_ A Wallnut Shell! they can't be large enough. + +_Toy-M._ Madam, I sold six Pair to my Lady _Strammell_, and her Arm's nine +Inches Diameter. + +L. _Rod._ What else have you? + +_Toy-M._ A choice Comb for your Eye-brows, Madam, an acute Pair o' +Pinchers for your Hair, and a most ingenious French Knife to slice the +Powder of your Ladyship's Forehead, with Tongs, Shovels, Grates, and +Fenders for your Ladyship's Tea-Table. + +L. _Rod._ Well, carry the things in, let your Bills be deliver'd to the +Steward, and I'll order some part of your Mony. + +_All._ We humbly thank your Ladyship. [_Exeunt._ + +L. _Rod._ Now, Cozen, we have dispatch'd these necessary Animals; pray, +tell me how the Town relishes my Appearance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Your Ladyship's inimitable Graces, and our vast Successes +abroad are the Topicks that furnish all Conversation; one Lady cries at +the gilt Chariot, another swoons at the prancing Horses; and my old Lady +_Lack-it_, swears you have so handsom a Set of Foot-men, the dreams of +nothing else; then your Ladyship's Furniture is most surprizing, ev'ry +thing was so admir'd, and handl'd last Visiting-day, the Ladies left +little of it behind 'em. + +L. _Rod. Bagatelle_! Ladies steal from one another, not for the Value of +the thing, but to make an Alteration in their Closets.--But what do the +Malitious say, am I envy'd, Cozen, I wou'd n't ha' the Fatigue of an +Estate, unless I cou'd make the World uneasie about it. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Oh! Spleen, Spleen, Madam, to the last Degree--my Lady +_Testy_ has tore fifty Fans about you, broke all her China, and beat her +Foot-man's Eye out; she says, 'tis a burning Shame, you monopolize all the +Fellows in the Town; and truly, there's a Statute against ingrossing.--My +Lady _Prudence Maxim_, cries, _A fine Estate is a fine Thing, finely +manag'd, but to overdo at first, to undo at last_. And Mrs. _Indigo_, the +Merchant's Wife, says, _If you knew the getting on't, you wou'd n't spend +it so fast_. + +L. _Rod._ I have six thousand a Year, and resolve to live single, and +enjoy it; I have made the Tour of _Italy_ and _France_, have given my self +the Accomplishment of both Sexes, and design to Visit, Game, Revel, dust +the Park, haunt the Theatres, and out-flutter e'er a Fop i'the Nation; and +I know not why a Lady that has the best Estate i'the County shou'd n't +represent 'em in Parliament. + +Mrs. _Lov._ But launching out too far, Madam, may draw Reflections on your +Conduct, the English Ladies are more reserv'd than Foreigners. + +L. _Rod._ The English Ladies! Shall a Corner of _Europe_ teach me +Decorums, that have travers'd the whole. The French Ladies admire my +Gayety; the Italians are ravish'd with my Grandeur, and if the English +Ladies do blame my Conduct, who values the Censure of a little Island.-- +Oh! what Transports do I feel, to provoke the Eyes and Whispers of the +Multitude,--Whose Equipage is that--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Whose +Visiting-day is it--My Lady _Rodomont_'s?--Who bespoke the Play to Night-- +My Lady _Rodomont_?--But when she's once marry'd--What "Gentlewoman's that +with the great Belly--Sir _Marmaduke Mortgage_'s Wife, that's come to Town +to buy Clouts, her Husband lost his Estate at Roly-poly.--She's mighty Big +indeed, I'm afraid she'll ha' two. Unless one cou'd find out some Plant of +a Husband, with Life and no Soul; a governable, drudging Creature, that +wou'd love, honour and obey his Wife; and know so little of his own +Prerogative, as to change his Name for her. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Really, Madam, I'm o' your Opinion, I'd have Petticoat- +Government pass thro' the Nation; the Ladies shou'd possess the Estates, +and make their Husbands a Jointure. + +L. _Rod._ While a Woman o' Fortune remains unmarry'd, she's a Petty-Queen; +Lovers innumerable trace her Steps; each Coxcomb thinks to be the happy +Man, and ev'ry were her Presence makes a Court--but when her Reason's once +subdu'd by Love, and the fond, foolish Nymph resigns her Pow'r, she's but +a meer _Appendix_ to a Fellow. + + _No more her darling Liberty can boast, + Lovers no more her_ quondam _Beauties toast, + But all her Pleasure, Pride and Charms are lost._ + + +End of the First ACT. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE, _The Park._ + + + _Sir_ Harry_, and the_ Collonel. + +_Col._ Never a loose Lady tripping through the _Park_ to whet one's +Appetite this Morning? + +Sir _Har._ Fie, _Collonel_, refine your Tast;----A common Woman! I'd as +soon dine at a common Ordinary: Give me a Woman of Condition, there's +Pride as well as Pleasure in such an Amour. + +_Col._ Your Women of Condition, Pox on em, are like Noblemen's Dinners, +all Garniture and no Meat, then, the Ceremony of Approach and Retire, +palls a Man's Inclination, 'till he grows indifferent i' the Matter;-- +Wou'd you Charm me, give me a ruddy Country Wench to riffe on the Grass, +with no other resistance than,--What a Dickens, is the Man berwattl'd, you +are an impudent, bold Rogue, and I'll call my Mother: Besides, the fear of +Scandal makes your great Ladies preserve a foolish kind of Virtue, their +Principles wou'd fain get rid of. + +Sir _Har._ You are deceiv'd, _Collonel_, Women of Quality are above +Reputation.--Is it my Lady _Tipple-dram_'s Modesty, or the effect of +Ratifia, that gives her a high Colour in the Drawing-room?--Is my Lady +_Sluggard_'s Religion question'd, that has never been at Church since her +Baptism, or my Lady _Gamesom_'s Virtue suspected for admiring Collonel +_Sturdy_'s Regiment; both Sexes of Rank, now, use what Liberty they please +without censuring one another, and consequently despise the tattling of +Inferiours. + +_Col._ Ha! what pert Fellow's this, that whisks it along in a Silk-Drugget +Suit, with the empty Air of a Fop Mercer, or a Judge's Train-bearer? + +Sir _Har._ Oh! 'Tis young _Nicknack_, a Beau Merchant, his Father dy'd +lately, and left him considerably in Money, he has been bred to business, +with a Liberty of Pleasure, a little vain and affected as most young +Fellows are; but his Foppery is rather pretty and diverting than tiresome +and impertinent. For his Father obliging him still to live in the City, +and follow Business, he has turn'd Commerce into a Jest, and calls +himself, The Ladies Merchant; for he imports nothing but Squirrels, +Lap-dogs and _Guinea piggs_ to insnare the Women. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick_. Dear Sir _Harry_, I have been twice round the _Park_, in search of +you. + +Sir _Har._ Mr. _Nicknack_ pray know the _Collonel_ here; an intimate +Friend o'mine just arriv'd from _Flanders_. + +_Nick_. Sir, I kiss your Hands, I am glad to find for the Ladies sake, as +well as your own, you are not the least disabl'd I wou'd give Ten Guineas, +_Collonel_, to see an Engagement, cou'd one be secure from a Cannon +Bullet. + +_Col_. Ten Guineas to see an Engagement; wou'd you make a show of +Desolation, and have Men kill one another to divert your Spleen? What +shou'd any one do i'the Field, that's afraid of a Cannon Bullet? + +_Nic_. 'Tis not impossible, Sir, in a whole Army, to find a Person as +little dispos'd to swallow a Cannon Bullet as my self; but I shou'd have +this preference to him, as I wou'd avoid fighting, I wou'd ask no Pay. + +_Col_. Ha! Wit out of _Cheapside_, I'm afraid City Credit's at a very low +Ebb. + +_Nick_. Your Pardon, _Collonel_.----Sir _Harry_, have you seen Lady +_Rodomont_ this Morning? I have News for her will make her Heart caper, +as mine did at the Death of my Father. The _Bawble_ Friggat, Captain +_Gewgaw_ Commander, is just arriv'd laden with Parrots, Parrotkeits, +Monkeys, Mamosets, Leopards, Lowries, _Muscovy_-Ducks, _German_-Geese, +_Danish_-Dormice, _Portugal_-Pigs, _Hannover_-Hens, and all the Rarities +imaginable. + +Sir _Har_. You are a happy Man, Mr. _Nicknack_, that have such new ways to +ingage the Ladies; if you succeed in your Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, +from your good Fortune, all the Beaus will turn Traders, and instead of +Treats, Balls, and Serenades, we shall have Post Nights, Polices of +Insurance, Factors, Agents, and Correspondents to import Niceties for +their Mistresses. + +_Col_. [_aside_] Ridiculous;----And d'you think a Lady of her Birth and +Estate wou'd Marry a City Merchant. + +_Nick_. A City Merchant, _Collonel_,----We have Creatures, indeed, that +deal in Herrings from _Holland_, and Cod from _Newfoundland_; but there +are degrees in Merchandizing as well as other Professions. An Officer +o'the Guards is above a Captain o'the Train Bands; and, I hope, there's +difference between a Gentleman that Trades to the _Indies_, and Merchant +_Rag_ that sends old Cloaths to _Jamaica_; but why, _Collonel_, shou'd the +City be so much despis'd, that has so near an affinity to the Court; we +have sense to distinguish Men and Manners, Breeding to pay a Valiant +Prince homage, that ev'ry Year triumphs for his Country, and generosity to +entertain him, where many a hungry Courtier has been glad to sneak in for +a Dinner. + +_Col._ [_aside_] The Fellow talks Reason, i'faith;--but prithee, Mr. +_Nicknack_, what Business can a Merchant have at this end o'the Town; for +a Man that's bred up in a Counting-House to pretend to Airs and Graces, is +as monstrously ridiculous, as a Play-House Orange-Wench with a Gold Watch +by her side. + +_Nick._ Pardon me there _Collonel_; are Pleasure and Business +inconsistent, must ev'ry Citizen be a Drone, that crawls among Furr Gowns, +or a Cuckold that's preferr'd by the Common-Hall; pray tell me, what +difference is there between a Merchant of a good Education, and a +Gentleman of Two Thousand Pounds a Year, only one has Threescore Thousand +Pounds clear in his Pocket, and t'other an Estate that's mortgag'd to +Threescore People; I have a House in _Billiter-Lane_, the Air's as good as +_Pickadilly_. _Cornish_ makes my Cloaths, _Chevalier_ my Periwigs, I'm +courted ev'ry Day to subscribe for singing Opera's, and have had Fifteen +Actresses at my Levee, with their Benefit-Tickets. + +Sir _Har._ But, methinks, Mr. _Nicknack_; you that have so plentiful a +Fortune, shou'd leave off Business, and reside wholly amongst Men of +Figure and Estates. + +_Nick._ My Commerce, Sir _Harry_, is but in Impertinences without the +least prospect of Gain; for the old Gentleman, when with great Industry, +he had imported an Estate of Fifty Thousand Pounds, with greater Civility +exported himself into the next World and left me all. Besides, Merchandize +is but a sort of Gaming, and if I like it better than Hazard or Basset, +why should any Man quarrel with my Genius; but, Gentlemen, your Servant. +I must find out Lady _Rodomont_; for I have ingros'd the whole Ship's +Cargo to my self, as my Father us'd to do Raw-Silk, and design her the +first choice of ev'ry Thing. [_Exit._ + +_Col._ But what crabbed Don's this with the knavish Look of an old +plodding Conveyancer, whose Face and Profession are enough to raise the +Devil. + +Sir _Har._ 'Tis Major _Bramble_, a factious, seditious old Rogue, that's +neither Whig, nor Tory, but an Enemy to his own Country; he hates the +Government, because the Government don't like him; repines at all our +Successes; and his Bosom Friends are Minters, Owlers, Pettifoggers, +Nonjurors that won't swear to the Government, and _Irish_ Evidences that +will swear to any thing. + + _Enter_ Major Bramble. + +Heav'n guard the Court!--What cursed Plot's now hatching, that brings the +grumbling _Major_ to the _Park_? + +_Bram._ The Government, Sir _Harry_, will ne'er suspect my policy at +plotting, when I have no more sense than to trust a Wit with it; but the +Company I keep, may with wondrous ease form a Plot past your finding out. + +Sir _Har._ What, cowardly Bullies, tatter'd Gam'sters, and Fellows that +have been twice transported, poor, unhappy scoundrels that disturb the +Nation to please you rich Male-Contents, and are hang'd for their reward. + +_Bram._ Those Gentlemen, Sir _Harry_, you're pleas'd to term scoundrels, I +honour; he that takes sanctuary in the _Fleet_, has an immediate place in +my Heart; the Heroes of the _Mint_ are a formidable Body, magnanimously +sowse ev'ry Fellow in a Ditch that dares to infringe their Liberties; he +that's committed to _Newgate_ is in a fair way to Immortality;--He that +stands in the Pillory is exalted to a very high Station; the Observator is +my very good Friend; and he that writes the Review a Person of a most +incomparable Assurance. + +_Col._ But where's the Satisfaction of admiring what's Rascally? + +_Bram._ You're mistaken, Sir, Virtue's oppress'd; these are the only Men +of worth i'the Nation, and since the World's compos'd chiefly of Knaves +and Hypocrites, it behoves ev'ry honest Fellow to over-reach the World; +therefore he that runs away from his Creditors is a Man of admirable +Principles, and his Creditors are very great Rogues. + +_Col._ But why d'you hate the Government, _Major_, what harm has that done +you. + +_Bram._ Why, Sir, I was formerly in a very good Office, was turn'd out for +Bribery, and have had none giv'n me since, therefore while the Government +takes no notice of me, I'll take no notice of the Government. + +Sir _Har._ You are a Person, _Major_, the Government ought to take notice +of, I assure you--And d'you think a Man of your Character and Conversation +qualify'd for a publick Post. + +_Bram._ Certainly, Sir _Harry_, who makes a better Soldier than a +Midnight-Scourer; who proves a sharper Judge than a Serjeant that takes +Fees on both sides; or who thumps the Cushion better than he that has +thumpt all the Wives i'the Parish; therefore that am acquainted with all +you call Rogues i'the Kingdom, think my self notably qualify'd for a +_Custom-House-Officer_--but whether the Government employs us, or not, my +Companions are the happiest People i'the World; we meet ev'ry Day at a +House within the Rules of the _Fleet_, where we have fat Venison, that's +Stole out of _Windsor-Park_; _French_ Wine, that's Run i'the _Wild o' +Kent_; drink Confusion to our Arms, and talk Treason, till the Vintner +crys, _Huzza, Drawer bring in my Bottle_. And there are of our Club, Four +Broken-Officers, Six Suborning-Attorneys, a Disaffected-Cobler, Two +Highway-Men, and Eleven _Jacobite_, Outlaw'd-Parsons. + +Sir _Har._ If you are such an Enemy to your native Country, why don't you +course the World, and please your self. + +_Bram._ Thank you, Sir _Harry_, but tho' things don't go as I'd have them, +of all Countries, I like _England_ the best, for 'tis the only Kingdom in +the World that suffers Faction; where one may write Libels, affront the +Ministry, deride the Laws, and set the whole Nation together by the Ears-- +but whilst I am idle, mighty Matters are at a stand; in short, my Business +here is to make my Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, who having lately seen +_Italy_ and _France_, like a true Woman, is return'd with a most horrid +Contempt of her own Country, and may like my Principles better than the +flutt'ring Airs of you Town-Sparks--afterwards, Gentlemen, I shall be +proud of both your Companies to dine in the _Press-Yard_, in _Newgate_, +with sev'ral very ingenious Persons, that coin better than they do i'the +_Tower_. [_Exit._ + +_Col_. So, Lady _Rodomont_'s the Cry--How Divine a Creature is a Woman +that has Six thousand a Year; the Town's quite mad after her. + +Sir _Har_. And such an Estate's enough to make her mad; Women are too +sanguine for such mighty Fortune; Ten thousand Pounds touches a Lady's +Brain, but when they prove great Heiresses, they're-- + +_Col_. Oh! stark Staring, Raving! and we ought to have the Custody of em. + +Sir _Har_. Let's move towards the Court, _Collonel_, where we shall meet +her sailing down the _Mall_, and the Fops after her, with all the Pride of +a First-Rate Man of War, that's convoying a few petty Merchant-Ships to +the _West-Indies_. + +_Enter_ Shrimp _with a Letter_. + +Sir _Har_. [reads.] _By the next return of the Waggon you will receive +Master_ Totty, _who was nineteen Years last Grass, with a Box of +_Shrewsbury-Cakes, _and a Simnel: His Grand-Mother desires you will put +him Clerk to some honest Attorney, if it be possible to find one, and the +Child be fit for it, or to what else the Child shall be fit for; but if +you find him fit for nothing, that you'll return him with great Care to +his Grand-Mother again. He is free from ev'ry Vice, having always lain +with his Grand-Mother, gone no where but to visit old Ladies with his +Grand-Mother, and has never been out of his Grand-Mother's sight, since he +was six Weeks old_--What a Pox do the Women send me their Fool to educate, +they may as well send me their Heads to dress; but I shall leave him to my +Servant; a Town Valet's Tutor and Companion good enough for a Country +'Squire--_Shrimp_, go to the _Saracen's-Head-Inn_, enquire for Master +_Totty_, a Man-Child, of nineteen Years of Age, and carry him to my +Lodgings. [_Exeunt_. + + _Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy. + +La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an Assurance like my Lady +_Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self. + +_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many +more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of +_Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious. + +La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well +declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love; +besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I +take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chastity, she +might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World +shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in +_Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid +she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think. + +_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers; +I'd arrest her for 'em. + +La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_ +too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they +both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed +City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing. + +_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her +self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for +thinking so. Pray Madam affront her. + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry, + _Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops + and Footmen_. + +La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are +very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch +just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you +think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show +greater Veneration and Respect. + +Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture, +Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun, +Whom none directly looks at, +But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down, +They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer. + +La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of +the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a +modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we shift our selves before our +Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an +_English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to +_England_; you have distinguish'd your self nobly this Campaign; I hear at +_Audenard_ you acted Wonders. + +_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field, +The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay, +And lengthen out a War to raise Estates; +But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us, +And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour, +We march with Pride, and unresisted Force, +To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress. + +La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly +well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most +of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your +Manners. + +_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _Degaugee_-- +we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year. + +La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so +phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and +fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of Balls and Operas on a _Sunday_. + +Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties, +That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions, +One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound; +The _Major_ here, I think opposes both. + +_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts +of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and +Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at +_Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras, +I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad, +Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience, +who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful +Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch. + +La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious +Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for +your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily. + +_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the +Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the +Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman +higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a +_Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable +Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry. + +La. _Rod._ Savage Creature! + +_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born +in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_. + +_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Essex_; a _Wolf's_ a +nobler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred, +so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species +of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a +High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and +possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a +Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast, +and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam, +you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable, +as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a +great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think +my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person +as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._ + +_All._ Ha, ha, ha. + +La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River, +I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet? + +_Nick._ Your Ladyship is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you +please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for +nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy; +and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a +Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get God-fathers. + +La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you. + +_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my +Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my +Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and +Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound. + +La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our Sex; but I wonder, Mr. +_Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky +Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_. + +_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_, +where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to +a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own, +_Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the +Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants +don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have +little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty +Sempstresses. + +Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there. + +_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to +show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to +Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a +thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest +Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being +ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant +absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor +Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Saturday's_ Club at _Black-heath_ +Bowling-Green. + +L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and +_Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an +impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a +hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em. + +_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_? + +_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to +deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery +that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may +after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the +Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to +import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their +Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country +Countesses. + +L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her, +but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_, +give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd +at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately +gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love +to mortify these Creatures. + +L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your +Ladyship's +Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller. + +L. _Rod_. By your Ladyship's Appearance, I find you're a very great +Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country. + +L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it +only serve to heigthen her Assurance? + +L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they +want neither Art nor Travel to improve it. + +L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladyship shou'd encourage Art or Travel, +where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady +shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd +of Followers. + +L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but +when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter +about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladyship's Cozen, +there, who is equally entitul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old +Cloths. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladyship's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any +Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladyship's Face. + +L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladyship's a'ground, your Face may put both +Sexes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave, + Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave; + As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place, + She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._ + + +The End of the Second ACT. + + + +ACT III. SCENE I. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Here do I follow and caress my Lady, in hopes to steal a Spark +'mongst her Admirers; I have five hundred Pounds in the fourteen _per +Cent_, a Gentlewoman's Fortune in past Ages, but now 'twon't buy a +Haberdasher of small Ware. Sir _Harry_ offers me a genteel Settlement; +Time was, when a kept Madam elbow'd the whole Drawing-Room; but now we +have a virtuous Court agen, a Lord's Mistress is almost as despicable as a +Citizen's Wife.--Suppose I trick the Collonel into Marriage--To bridle at +a Review in _Hyde-Park_, have rich Plunder brought me from _Flanders_, and +boast in Company how much my Husband ballances the Pow'r of _Europe_; but +then comes Peace, and Half-pay, and the Brigadier's Lady must condescend +to dress Heads, make Mantoes, or vainly feed her Pride, by personating +what she really was on the most renown'd _Drury-Lane Theatre_.--Suppose I +rail at the Government, and so trap the rich Major; but then he's trapt in +a Plot, some poor Lord begs his Estate, and I'm to live upon the mighty +Comfort of having it again when the Pretender comes--Or what if I wheedle +in with Mr. _Nick-nack_--To have a fine House in _Billiter-Lane_, +prodigious great Dinners, and ready Cash for Play. And, faith, now-a-days, +a rich Merchant's Wife keeps as late Hours, Games as high, and makes as +bulky a Figure as e'er a Dutchess in the two united Kingdoms. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. How kind this was, my dear, pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, to leave so +much good Company to meet me here alone. + +Mrs. _Lov_. How kind you are to your self Sir _Harry_, in harbouring so +ridiculous a Notion. + +Sir _Har_. Are you resolv'd then, Madam, to let this gay, this proper +well-set Person o' mine pine away like a green Sickness Girl, when I have +so generously offer'd you two hundred Pound a Year, only to be a little +whimsical with you. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Two hundred a year! wou'd you make a Whore of me Sir _Harry_? + +Sir _Har_. A Whore! have a care, Child, who you reflect upon, a Lady of +two hundred a Year, a Whore; Whores are Creatures that wear Pattens and +Straw-hats. I'd fain hear any body call a kept Mistress, Whore, while +there's Law to be had, if I were she, I'd make 'em severely pay for't. + +Mrs. _Lov_. But pray, Sir _Harry_, where's the Difference between a common +Woman, and one that's kept; they have equally lost their Reputation, and +no body of any Character will visit 'em. + +Sir _Har_. Visit 'em! Ladies of different Orders shou'd converse amongst +themselves, I know a Set of kept Mistresses that visit one another with +all the Ceremony of Countesses, take place of one another according to the +Degree of their Keepers, are call'd to one another's Labours, and live in +perfect Sister-hood like the _Grand Seignor's Seraglio_; two of 'em indeed +had a violent Quarrel t'other day, but 'twas only about State Affairs, one +happening to be a Whig, and t'other a Tory. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Good Sir _Harry_, what have you seen so loose in my Behaviour +to attack me at this rate? + +Sir _Har_. Why, look you, Child, do'st thee consider what an Income two +hundred a Year is; some Country Gentlemen han't more to make their Elder +Sons Esquires, and raise Portions for eleven awkard Daughters. Besides, +my Dear, thou art but a whiffling sort of a Pinnace, I have been proffer'd +lovely, large, First Rate Ladies for half the Mony. There's _Winny +Wag-tail_ in _Channel Row_, wou'd have left it to my Generosity; Mrs. +_Tippet_ the Furrier's Wife in _Walbrook_ wou'd have taken five hundred +Pound down, and _Sufan Sigh-fort_ the quaking Sempstress had n't the +Assurance to ask me above the rent of her Shop.----I must tell you, Love, +the Nation's over stock'd with Women, I can have a hundred and fifty +Furbuloe Scarf-makers for as many Silver Thimbles; and but last Long +Vacation, a very considerable Pleader offer'd me his two Daughters for Six +and Eight Pence a Night. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, this Discourse suits not my Genius, I have a +Fortune, tho' not thousands enough to keep me from that odious thing you'd +tempt me to; therefore if you pursue this Humour any farther, I must +acquaint my Lady with it. + +Sir _Har_. Why, then, Madam, do I most devoutly pray to _Venus_ there, and +each kind Creature here, that the Men may avoid you, as if you had n't a +Lure about you, that for madness you may turn Gam'ster, lose all your +Fortune at Play, and then grow crooked for want of Mony to buy you a new +Pair of Stayes. [_Exit._ + +Mrs. _Lov_. Was ever any thing so impudent! he's a charming Fellow tho', +and two hundred a Year is a charming Allowance too.--But Virtue! Virtue!-- +Oh! that I had liv'd in good King Some-body's Days. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bra_. Madam _Lovejoy_, your most humble Servant, here's a Ring that was +pawn'd to me for twenty Guineas by a Welch Knight, on his being chose High +Sheriff o'the County, and the Mony not being paid in due time, it's become +forfeited; I therefore entreat the Favour of you to wear it. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Your very humble Servant, Major, they are delicate Stones +indeed; but what Service must I do you in return of so great a Compliment? + +_Bra_. Only that, Madam, of being my Advocate to Lady _Rodomont_, whose +Beauty I have long admir'd, and whose Estate I do profoundly reverence. +[_Aside._] Nor can I on a just survey of my Person and Parts find the +least Obstacle, why her Inclinations shou'd n't mount like mine, that +without much Ceremony or foppish Courtship, we might unite Circumstances, +and astonish the World at the Sight of a couple so prodigiously well +pair'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Were my Fortune, Major, equal to my Lady's, my Judgment wou'd +be as much admir'd in such a Choice as my Happiness wou'd be envy'd; but +my Lady's of so uncommon a cold Constitution so whimsically gay, and fond +of new Diversions, she laughs at ev'ry serious Thought of Love. + +_Bra._ Perhaps, Madam, my Lady never had an Offer worth her serious +Notice, the Fops a course chatter and teaze the Women, but when great +Statesmen condescend to Love, and while they Court, Affairs of State stand +still; a Lady shou'd be proud of such an Offer; what Woman wou'd not think +her self most highly honour'd to have an amorous Judge approach her with +his Tipstaff. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Ay, Major, to have the State stand still, as if a Woman were +of mightier Moment wou'd sooth a Lady's Pride, 'twou'd be so pretty to +adjourn the Parliament when their Mistresses send for 'em to Picquet; and +were my Lady sensible how vast an Honour you design her, she certainly +wou'd own an equal Passion. + +_Bra._ [_Aside_] I profess a very ingenious Woman, and cou'd I but be +satisfy'd, she were entirely in the French Int'rest, I I wou'd prefer her +to Madam _Maintenon's_ Cabinet Council, to consult about the next +Invasion. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nic._ Oh! Mrs. _Lovejoy_, I have been hurry'd quite out of my Senses, +three more Ships are sail'd in upon me this Morning; the _Atlas_ Merchant +Man, Captain _Sunburnt_ Commander from the _East Indies_, the _Dighton_ +Gally from the musty Islands, and the _Hankerchief_ Frigot from _Smirna_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, when's the Sale? + +_Nic._ Now, now, Madam, and the fat India Women from all Parts o'the Town +do croud and scold like a Parcel of Fish-Wives at a Mackrel-Boat--Mrs. +_Trapes_ in _Leadenhall_ Street is hawling away the Umbrellas for the +walking Gentry, Mrs. _Kanister_ in _Hatton Garden_, buys up all the course +Bohee-Tea for the _Holborn_ Ladies Breakfasts, and Mrs. _Furnish_ at St. +_James_'s has order'd Lots of Fans, and China, and India Pictures to be +set by for her, 'till she can borrow Mony to pay for 'em.----But, Madam, I +ha' brought you a couple of the prettiest Parrokeets, and the charming'st +Monkey for my Lady that ever was seen; a Coster-monger's Wife kiss'd it, +burst into Tears, and said, 'Twas so like an only Child she had just +bury'd. I thought the poor Woman wou'd ha' swoon'd away. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Thank you good Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick_. But, Madam, have you told my Lady, what a violent Inflammation I +have about her? + +Mrs. _Lov_. She's now at Cards with the _Collonel_, and next to the new +Monkey you'll be the welcom'st Creature alive to her.--Sweet Major excuse +me, for I must run to my dear Parrokeets. [_Exit._ + +_Bra_. Prithee, Friend, what Beau-maggot has thy Pericranium lately bred +to give thee pretensions to Lady _Rodomont_? + +_Nick_. And pray, _Major_; what prejudice have the Ladies done you, that +you shou'd revenge it by offering 'em your disagreeable self? For he that +murmus at so good a Queen, must certainly be disaffected to the whole Sex. + +_Bra_. Do'st thou imagine a Woman of sense that has seen he great Court of +_France_, and visited Madam _de Trollop_, Madam _de Frippery_, and Madam +_de Twangdillion_, where Ladies are great Politicians, and talk of +Ramparts, Bastions, and Aqueducts will prefer thy Parrots and Jack-daws to +a Man of Politicks, whom the Prince of _Conti_ consulted about the Kingdom +of _Poland_. Monsieur _Chamillard_ about the late Invasion. + +_Nick._ I can't suppose, _Major_, a Lady of her Intellects, will fling her +self away on a Grumbletonian, to have her Estate confiscated, receive +Visits in the _Gate-house_, when her Husband's clapt up for Treason, and +afterwards quarrel with the Heralds about the length of her Veil, when her +Spouse made his _Exit_ at _Tyburn_. + +_Bra_. Why ha'st thou the assurance to despise Heroes that die in a State +Cause, St. _Charnock_, and St. _Gregg_; these were Men that made a noise +i'the World, whose Names are in ev'ry News Paper, and let the Cause be +what it will, I honour People that make a noise in the World.--But +prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, what makes you Citizens that spring from a little +Counting-house, up three Steps at the further End of a dark Ware-house, +attempt Women o'Quality? + +_Nick_. Why, Sir, I can settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her. + +_Bra_. Settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her;--Wou'd you buy a Wife +as you do Scamony and Cocheneal by Inch of Candle? If I were a Woman, I +shou'd hate the sound of an Inch of Candle. I'll settle _Major Bramble_ +upon her, an inestimable Jewel, and if she has no more sense than to +refuse me; for a Chocolate-house, _Jelley Eater_, she has travell'd to as +little improvement, as some other Beau Ladies, that admire the Agility of +the _French_, before the Stability of the _Swiss Cantons_; therefore you +may go tire her with your Monkey tricks, to give her a true relish of my +more weighty Arguments.--In the mean time, I'll step to the Tow'r, to +congratulate the safe Arrival of some very great Persons out of +_Scotland_. [_Exit._ + +_Nick_. Now has this old Fellow the vanity to think his Person and +Qualities are as acceptable to a fine Woman as if he had been bred at +Court; but Asses will herd and bray amongst the fair Kine, like a knot of +Stock-jobbing Jews that crowd _Garraways_ Coffee-house, and fright away us +Beau Merchants with the stink of Bread and Cheese Snuff. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to_ Covent-Garden. + + _Enter_ Matter Totty, _and_ Shrimp. + +_Tot_. Lord! Lord! What a hugeous Place this _London_ is? I thank you +heartily, Sir, for taking Care of me; for I shou'd ha' quite lost my self, +and then, perhaps, some strange Person might ha' taken me up, and ha' kept +me; but what makes People in such a hurry here, as if at _Lincoln_, the +Mayor and Aldermen were going to a Bull-baiting; at other times Folks in +the Country walk more slowly, as tho' they were going to Church. + +_Shr. London_, Master, is the Seat of Business, People do ev'ry thing in a +hurry here, except paying their Debts, and lying with their Wives; but +what Notion had you of the Town before you saw it? + +_Tot_. Why, my Grand-mother says, Tis the wicked'st Place under the Copes +of Heav'n, and the Filthinesses she has seen there, have made her frigid +to Mankind; she says, young Fellows are greedy after young Wenches, and +make a scoff at old Folks; Men of Quality have no sense of well-doing, and +Women o'Quality no sense of Self-denial; your highflown Gentry, no sense +of Humility, and the Common People no sense of good Manners; mid-night +Collonels, no sense of Sobriety; Vintners no sense of Honesty; City Wives, +no sense of Chastity, and their Husbands, no sense at all. + +_Shr_. You are deceiv'd, Master, People come hither for Education and +Improvement: Ev'ry Merchant's Prentice now assumes an air of Wisdom, talks +of Gaming, Dress, and Poetry; frequents the Hazard-Table at _Lambeth_, the +Bowling-Green at _Islington_, and keeps a Race-Horse for _Hackney-Marsh_; +has a Silver Watch double gilt, Pearl colour Silk Stockings, and a +black Suit for _Lent_, with a couple of Drop-Locks hanging up in the +Counting-house, which are occasionally hook'd on to a Spruce-Bob to Squire +two Chamber-Maids to the _Rival Queens_. + +_Tot_. But do People obey their Parents in _London_? + +_Shr_. Never, never, Master, this is an Age of Freedom and good Humour; +Fathers tope Claret with their Sons, and Mothers _Rosa Solis_ with their +Daughters; they Rake together, Intreague together, divide Estates, and +persue their Inclinations; Familiarity makes young Fellows easie, and old +Fellows have the happiness to live out all their Days. + +_Tot_. O Gemini that's pure! well I always had a mighty mind to see +_London_, because my Grand-mother would never let me; and d'you belong to +Sir _Harry Sprightly_, say you, Sir? + +_Shr_. I do my self the Honour to sojourn with him; Sir _Harry_ +Compliments me with adjusting some Solecisms in his Dress; we were +Neighbour's Children in the Country, and always very fond of one another, +he begg'd the Favour of me to meet you at the Inn, give you some +refreshment, and conduct you to his Lodgings;--Oh! Here comes a Friend +o'mine lately return'd from _Flanders_, that will be glad to associate +with us; he's a Person of great Worth, I assure you, and might have had +great Preferments in the Army; but his good Manners, like some other +well-bred military Sparks, made him rather retreat than put himself +forward. + + _Enter_ Knapsack. + +Mr. _Knapsack_, your most humble Servant, an ingenious young Gentleman +here, just arriv'd from the Fenns in _Lincolnshire,_ desires to be known +to you; he's at present but a rough Diamond wholly ignorant of the Town, +but your Conversation will make him Brillant. + +_Knap_. You know my Profession, Mr. _Shrimp_, and think you can't trespass +on my modesty; but your praises are enough to put our whole Regiment out +o'countenance, had we not quarter'd in _Ireland_.--The young Gentleman by +his deportment seems to be the Darling of a Family, and Heir to a good +Estate. + +_Tot_. I shall have Five Hundred a Year, Sir, when my Grand-mother gives +up the Ghost; but at present she allows me but Eighteen Pence a Week for +reading the Book of Martyrs to her, copying Receipts, and supporting her +about the House. + +_Shr_. Eighteen Pence a Week! Why the Kitchin Wench gets more for her +Coney Skins; but what allowance are you to have now, Master, you should +have handsome Lodgings in _Pall-Mall_ Tutors to embellish you, dress out +for _Whites_, keep a Chair by the Week, and an impudent Footman to knock +down People before you. + +_Tot_. Ay, but my Grand-mother charg'd me on her Blessing never to go to +that end o'the Town; she says, they are abominable Spendthrifts there; bid +me remember the Prodigal Son, and has given me only a broad _Jacobus_ to +pay for Post Letters, and a Hundred Pound Bill upon Sir _Francis_ to put +me Clerk to an Attorney. + +_Shr_. Clerk to an Attorney! Why the Nation swarms with 'em; so many young +Fellows now are bred to that Profession, Men, and their Wives are forc'd +to go to Law to find bus'ness for their Children. + +_Knap_. Hang the Hundred Pounds; we'll spend it, Master, in showing you +the Town, the Lyons, and the Tombs, the Bears, and the Morocco's, the +Jew's Synagogue, and the Gyants at _Guild-hall_, my Lord-Mayor's great +Coach, and my Lady Mayoress's great Tower. + +_Tot_. Shan't we go to the Play-house too, and see _Pinkeman, Bullock_, +and _Jubilee Dicky_? + +_Knap_. Ay, and behind the Scenes too amongst the pretty Actresses; I must +have you a smart Youth, understand the finish'd Vices o'the Town, learn +to swear like a Gentleman of Ten Thousand a Year, few Men of Estates are +bred to Conversation, game like a desp'rate younger Brother, several +embroider'd Suits are known to live by't, drink abundantly to prevent +dull-thinking, and Whore lustily to encourage the Dispensary that gives +the poor Physick for nothing. Mr. _Shrimp_ here knows the World; and, I +warrant, for cogging a Die, bullying a Coward, bilking a Hackney Coachman, +and storming a Nest of Whores in _Drury-lane_, not a Master of Arts in +either University can come near him. + +_Tot_. Fegs, so I will, they shan't think to cow me any longer; one cou'd +never stir out o'the Room, but my Grand-mother was purring after a Body, +and if she heard one got a little merry at _T. Totum_, with the Maids, +she'd quaver out _Totty_, come, and say your Catechism;--_What is the +chief End of Man?_ And upon ev'ry little Fault, she'd lock me up to get +_Quarles's Emblems_ by heart, and threaten I shou'd lie in the great Room +that's haunted, and never let one have any other diversion, than to hear +the Chaplain play _Jumping Joan_ upon the Base Viol. + +_Shr_. Shall we adjourn to the _Rose_, the Drawer's my particular Friend, +and will give us _French_ Wine for Eighteen Pence a Bottle. + +_Tot_. But lets ha' some Sack, do. + +_Knap_. Ay, and Sugar, my brave Boy, thou shall't have any thing; we'll be +merry as mony'd Sailors over a Bowl o'Rum Punch, fluster'd as their +Whores, and frolicksom, 'till we have spent all, drink Confusion to all +Grand-mothers, and if the old Cat pretends to Ptysick it much longer, +we'll get an Act of Parliament to poyson her. + +_Tot_. With all my Heart! they say the Parliament can do any thing. +[_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE, _A Drawing-Room._ + + _Enter the_ Collonel, _and_ Lady Rodomont _rising from Play_. + +L. _Rod_. Fling up the Cards, good _Collonel_, after two Games, the +Pleasure becomes a Business; like my Lady _Shuffler_ that gits her living +at 'em. + +_Col_. Your Ladyship's a Chymist in Diversions, extracts the quintessence +of ev'ry Pleasure, and leaves the drossy Part upon the World; Agreements, +when too tedious pall the Fancy, when short they quicken and refine our +Appetites; and the sublimest Joy to Mortals known, evaporates the Moment +that 'tis tasted. + +L. _Rod_. Variety alone supports dull Life, the light Amusements that +connect and change, Spur on the creeping Circle of the Year; I love to +humour an unbounded Genius, to give a lose to ev'ry spring of Fancy, to +rove, to range, to sport with different Countries, and share the Revels of +the Universe. + +_Col_. My Genius fain wou'd Court superiour Blessings; those Passions are +too hurrying to last; Vapours that start from a Mercurial Brain, whose +wild Chimera's flush the lighter Faculties, which tir'd i'th'vain pursuit +of fancy'd Pleasures; a Passion more substantial Courts our Reason, solid, +persuasive, elegant, sublime, where ev'ry Sense crowds to the luscious +Banquet, and ev'ry nobler Faculty's imploy'd. + +L. _Rod_. That Passion you describe's a sleeping Potion, a lazy, stupid, +lethargy of Mind, that nums our Faculties, destroys our Reason, and to our +Sex the bane of all Agreements; shou'd I whom Fortune, lavish of her +store, has given the means to glut insatiate Wishes, out-vie my Sex, and +Lord it o'er Mankind, constrain my rambling Pleasures, check my Liberty +for an insipid Cooing sort of Life, which marry'd Fools think Heav'n, and +cheat each other. + +_Col_. Are Love and Pleasure, Madam, so incongruous?--Methinks the very +name of Love exhilerates; meaner delights were meant but to persuade us, +Toys to provoke and heighten our desires, which Love confirms and Crowns +with mightier extasie. + +L. _Rod._ Rather all Joys expire, where Love commences; when that deluding +Passion once takes root, we grow insensible, ill-bred, intolerable, +neglecting Dress and Air, and Conversation; to fondle an odd Wretch, that +caus'd our ruin: No, give me the outward Gallantries of Love, the Poetry, +the Balls, the Serenades, where I may Laugh and Toy, and humour Apish +Cringers, with secret Pride to raise my Sexes Envy, and lead pretending +Fops a Faiery Dance. + +_Col._ My own Humour to a Hair! How I admire such generous sprightly +Virtue, your Reasoning, Madam, darts amazing brightness, 'where groveling +Souls want courage to think freely, ay, Liberty's the Source of all +Enjoyments, a nourishing Delight, innate and durable. I love the Harmony +of Foreign Courts; your downright _English_ Women are meer Mopes, sit +dumb like Clocks that speak but once an Hour, supinely Grave and +insolently Sullen, nor Smile but on good terms to Laugh, at us for Life: +But other Climates animate more warmly; Sexes alike are free, reciprocally +gay, and Pleasures are persu'd without Reflection, if Principle or Fear +refuse us Love; for I'm the tenderest of a Lady's Honour, the Fair One +still has tantalizing Charms, her tuneful Voice, her graceful, easie +Movement, her lively Converse, happy turn of Thought, Language polite, +keen Wit, fineness of Argument, but Marriage turns the Edge of all +Society. + +L. _Rod._ Pray, _Collonel_, how long have you taken up this Resolution? + +_Col_. I doat upon the Sex, admire their heav'nly Form, like beauteous +Temples built by sacred Hands, where their bright Souls as Deities +inhabit; but shou'd Love's Queen, Celestial _Citharea_, descend in all her +elegance of Beauty, the study'd Care of the officious Graces, with Wreaths +of Jewels glittering round her Temples, her flowing Locks dispos'd in +artful Circles, losely attir'd, and on a Down of Roses, with laughing +Cupids hov'ring round the Bed.-- + +L. _Rod_. But _Collonel_. + +_Col_ A wondrous lovely Mien, kind melting Airs, soft snowy Breasts that +pant with am'rous Sighs, Eyes lauguishing that steal forth welcome +glances; Cheeks rip'ning, glowing, kindling, ravishing. + + _To be confin'd, wou'd deaden all her Charms, + And Matrimony fright me from her Arms_. + +L. _Rod_. Good _Collonel_ check a while this feign'd Career; for in +describing her you wou'd refuse, you're in a Rapture, and quite out of +Breath; don't depend too much on your fancy'd Prowess, some mortal Dames, +less beauteous than a Goddess, have exercis'd and tam'd the boldest +Heroes. + + _Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Madam, the Countess of _Circumference_, my Lady _May-pole_, +and my Lady _Bob-tail_ are just lighting at the Gate. + +L. _Rod_. Pray sup with me _Collonel_, and lets finish this Argument, I'm +fond of disputing with a Person that talks well. + +_Col_. [_aside _] She's peek'd, and my design must prove successful. + + _Pride keeps me off, but Nature smooths my way; + For what her Tongue wou'd hide, her Eyes betray_. + +[_Exit._ + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, did you ever hear the like? The _Collonel's_ such an +Enemy to Marriage? + +Mrs. _Lov_. An Enemy to Marriage, Madam! + +L. _Rod_. As obstinately bent against it, as if he were incapable of Love; +not that his Principles concern me, yet such Heresy in Men shou'd be +subdu'd. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Perhaps, Madam, the _Collonel_ may have had some strange +misfortune in the Army, Cannon Bullets fly at such an ugly random rate. + +L. _Rod_. Ha, ha, ha, how I laugh at such thin Disguises, as if a ratling +Officer in this fortune-hunting Age, cou'd have Philosophy to slight my +Person and Estate; but I'll applaud his happy choice of Liberty; say, 'tis +a generous Thought, so like my self, I'll settle a Platonick Friendship +with him, then faulter in my Speech, and seem confus'd, as if my Sexes +weakness must discover a Passion which my haughty Soul wou'd hide. The +greedy _Collonel_ catches at the Bait, deep Sighs, and sheepish Looks +confess the Lover; then with what sparkling Pride I'll boast my Power, +bravely assert my wonted Resolutions, rally the blustering Heroe, and +pursue new Conquests. + + _As the Sun's early Beams attract and warm, + So Ladies with their easie glances Charm; + Vain Coxcombs cringe with transport and surprize, + Feel kindling Fire, and feed upon their Eyes; + 'Till like the Sun, the dazling Nymphs display_ + Meridian _heat, and scorch the Fools away_. + + +_End of the Third_ ACT. + + + + +ACT IV. SCENE _continues_. + + _Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + + +Mrs. _Lov_. Why, Madam, shou'd your Ladyship keep so many Fellows in +suspence, is it only to mortifie other Women, and maintain the Vanity of +being universally admir'd; you won't marry, and yet love to be courted: +In other matters your Ladiship's gen'rous enough, but as for parting with +your Lovers, you are as stingy as the Widow _Scrape-all_, that lets out +her Mourning-Coach to Funerals. + +La. _Rod_. Cozen, we're alone, and I'll discover t' you the Soul of ev'ry +Woman: Vanity is the predominant Passion in our Sex, what Lady that has +Beauty, Wit and Fortune, does not excel in Dress, brighten in Talk, and +dazle in her Equipage; and Lovers are but Servants out o' Liveries: Who +then that has Attractions to command, to sooth, to frown, to manage as we +please, wou'd raise those crawling Wretches that adore us, that fawn and +sigh, and catch at ev'ry Glance, but once embolden'd, as our Courage fails +us, the flatt'ring Knaves exert their Sovereign Sway, and crush the +darling Pow'r we possess. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis their Prerogative to rule at last, our Reign is short, +because 'tis too Tyrannical; we're pleas'd to have Admirers gaze upon us, +they're pleas'd with gazing, 'cause they cannot help it; but yet they +think us strange fantastick Creatures, and curse themselves for loving +such vain Toys; for my part, I'm for ballancing the pow'r of both Sexes, +if a fine Gentleman addresses a fine Lady, his Reception ought to be +suitable to his Merit, and when two fine People get together-- + +La. _Rod_. What then? + +Mrs. _Lov_. They ought to lay aside Affectation and Impertinence, and come +to a right understanding i' th' matter. + +La. _Rod._ But prithee, my Dear, what fine Things d'you conceive there are +in Love? + +Mrs. _Lov_. I wou'd conceive what fine Things there are in Love; in short, +Madam, you may dissemble like the _French Hugonots,_ that were starving in +their own Country, and pretended to fly hither for Religion: But I that +have the same Circulations with your Ladiship, know that ev'ry Woman feels +a _Je ne scay quoy_ for an agreeable Fellow; nay more, that Love is +irresistable; how many Fortunes have marry'd Troopers, and Yeomen o'the +Guard? We are all made of the same Mould; nay I heard of a Lady that was +so violently scorcht at the sight of a handsome Waterman, she flung her +self sprawling into the _Thames_, only that he might stretch out his Oar, +and take her up again. + +La. _Rod_. There are Women Fools to a strange degree; but have you, +Cousin, seen any Object so amiable to merit that ridiculous Condescension. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I have seen a great many young Fellows, Madam, and do ev'ry +Day see more young Fellows that I cou'd like very well to play at _Piquet_ +with; and if your Ladiship has sworn to die a Maid, recommend one of your +Admirers to me, and it shan't be my Fault, if in a few Months I don't +produce you a very pretty Bantling to inherit your Estate. + + _Enter Major_ Bramble. + +_Bram_. (_Aside_.) Now must I screw my self into more submissive Forms +than a hungry Poet at the lower end of a Lord's Table, when he has more +Wit than all the Company; muster up more Lies than are told behind a +_Cheapside_-Counter, and talk to her of Agues, Agonies and Agitations, +when I have no more Notion of Love, than a Lawyer has of the next World: +Her Estate indeed wou'd put a Man into a Conflagration, but a fine Woman +is to me like a fine Race-Horse, admir'd only by Fools, very costly, very +wanton, and very apt to run away--Madam, your Ladiship's incomparable +Perfections, which are as much talk'd of, as if they had been publish'd in +the _Flying-Post, Post-Boy_, and _Post-Man,_ have stirr'd up all my +Faculties to admire, ev'ry Part about you, and to tell you the Ambition I +have of being your Ladiship's most devoted, humble Servant at Bed and +Board. + +La. _Rod_. A Man of your Character, _Major_, is seldom touch'd with a +Lady's Perfections; our trifling Beauties soften weaker Mortals, you Men +that bustle about publick Matters, whose fiery Souls are charm'd with +Broils of State, retain no mighty Transports for our Sex. + +_Bram_. True, Madam, Love's but an insipid Business; but I wou'd marry to +keep up that fiery Breed; and your Ladyship having a more sublime Genius +than the rest of your Sex, I thought you the properest Person to apply to, +that with equal Pains-taking we may produce a Race of _Alexanders_, that +shall rattle thro' the World like a Peal of Thunder, wage Wars, destroy +Cities, and send old Women headlong to the Devil. + +La. _Rod_. I mould rather chuse a peaceful Race, whose Virtue shou'd +prefer 'em to the State, where Wisdom, like a Goddess, sits triumphant, to +awe, to charm, to punish and reward, and check the Fury of such headstrong +Coursers. + +_Bram_. A Race of Side-Box-Beaus, that love soft easie Chairs, Down-Beds, +and taudry Night-Gowns; I admire those renown'd Emperors, that chop +Peoples Heads off for their Diversion, and the glorious King of _France_, +that makes his Family Kings whenever he pleases; that gives People yearly +Pensions to bellow out his praise; whose Edicts fly about like Squibs and +Crackers, and as much laughs at Parliaments and Councils, as a Whore of +Distinction does at the _Reforming-Society._ + +La. _Rod_. Such Princes are meant Scourges to the Earth; no Mortal's fit +for absolute Command; Men have their Passions; Monarchs are but Men, and +when Love, Jealousie, or Fear possess 'em, the Tyrants spurn, and rack +their guiltless People, who tamely bend, and court their fatal Madness; +our happy Realm knows no Despotick Sway; not only Kingdoms here, but +Hearts unite, the Sov'reign and the Subjects bless each other; a +Constitution so divinely fram'd; such gen'rous Concord, such resistless +Harmony, that Nature wonders at her own Perfections; a Climate and a +People so serene! + +_Bram_. Look you, Madam, I'm no more an Enemy to the Government than to +your Ladiship: Your Ladiship has a good Estate, Estate, and your Person is +mightily dish'd out, fine and lovely and plump, therefore if your Ladyship +thinks fit to marry me, and the Government to give me a Place of a +Thousand a Year, I'm an humble Servant to both, otherwise I wou'dn't care +three Whiffs o' Tobacco, if the Government sunk, and your Ladiship were +blown up in the Clouds. + +La. _Rod._ Plain-dealing, _Major_, ought to be inestimable, especially in +a Statesman, but you needn't give your self any trouble about me, you're +not a Creature tame enough for a Husband: The Lion that's us'd to range +the Woods, if once ensnar'd, grows ten times more outragious. What think +you, Cousin, shou'd we entangle the _Major_. + +Mrs. _Lov._ We must never come near him, Madam, for I'm afraid he'll +devour us all. + +_Bram._ Devour you all, Mrs. _Oatcake_, a Man must be damnable hungry to +feed upon your Chitterlings. [_Aside._] Now have I a good mind to hire two +or three honest Fellows to swear her into a Plot, have her Estate +confiscated to the Government, and get a Reward of half of it for so +serviceable a piece of Loyalty and Revenge; but to mortifie her more +compleatly, I'll go make my Addresses to the Divine Lady _Toss-up_. +[_Exit._ + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +_Nick._ [_Aside._] Were it not to improve my Int'rest with the Ladies, +I wou'd forswear all manner of Bus'ness, and grow perfectly idle, like a +Dancing-Master's Brains. I have been squeez'd up at the _Custom-House_, +'mongst _Jews_, _Swedes_, _Danes_, and dirty _Dutchmen_, that were +entering Hung-Beef, 'till I'm only fit to tread _Billingsgate-Key_, +and address those shrill Ladies, whose _Italian_ Voices ev'ry Day charm +the Streets with the deaf'ning Harmony of _Place_, _Flounders_, and +_New-Castle-Salmon_--I was afraid, Madam, having not seen your Ladiship +these four Hours, you had quite forgot me. + +La. _Rod._ That's impossible, Mr. _Nicknack_, I never see the pretty +_Monkey_ you brought me, but I have the strongest Idea of you imaginable; +but have you imported no greater Curiosities, a _Monkey_ of one sort or +other is what most People have in their Houses. I'd have a Ship range the +World on purpose to find me out some agreeable strange Creature, that was +never heard of before, nor is ever to be met with again. + +_Nick._ A Creature, Madam, which some People think unparallell'd, it may +be in my, Pow'r to help your Ladiship to, but 'tis a sort of Creature +that's always sighing for a Mate, if your Ladiship likes it as well as +some other Ladies have done; if I know the Creature, 'twou'd laugh and +toy, and kiss and fawn upon your Ladiship beyond all Womankind. + +La. _Rod._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, what Species is it of? + +_Nick._ Of Humane Species, Madam, your Ladiship shall examine it, but the +Ladies turn it into what shape they please, an _Ape_, an _Ass_, a +_Lizard_, a _Squirrel_, a _Spaniel_; most People say 'tis a _Man_, but the +Merchant that brought it from the _Cyprian Groves_, calls it a _Desponding +Lover_. + +La. _Rod._ A _Desponding Lover_, Mr. _Nicknack_, is indeed a very strange +Creature, but 'tis no Rarity, I'm pester'd with 'em at all Seasons, they +are continually intruding like one's poor Relations, more pragmatically +impertinent than one's Chaplain, and, were it possible, as impudent as +one's Footmen. + +_Nick._ But a sincere and constant Lover your Ladiship must allow a +Rarity. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] I must humour this Fellow's Vanity; he'll make an +admirable Tool to plague the _Collonel_--I understand you, Mr. _Nicknack_, +you have so pretty a way of discovering your self, 'twou'd charm any +Lady, and truly I see no difference between a Gentleman educated at +_Merchant-Taylor's-School_, and one at _Fobert_'s; only at our end o'the +Town, there's a certain Forwardness in young Fellows, that a Boy of +Fourteen shall pretend to practise before he understands the _Rule of +Three_. But what you tell me is a thing of that weight, it requires mature +Deliberation, a Conflict with one's self of a whole Age's debating: +Marriage, 'mongst the vulgar sort, is a Joke, a meer May-Game; with People +of Rank, a serious and well study'd Solemnity. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I'm in no very great haste, I am perfectly of your +Ladyship's Opinion, and can't think there's so mighty a Jest in Matrimony +as some People imagine; like a Country Fellow and a Wench, that will jig +it into Church after a blind Fidler, and are never in a dancing Humour +afterwards. People o' Quality are more apprehensive o' the matter, and +have a world o' business to do, we must first be seen particular together, +to give suspicion, and create Jealousies 'mongst the rest of your +Admirers; then it must be whisper'd to the Countess of _Intelligence_, to +carry about Town, or the Tea-Tables will drop for want of Tittle-tattle; +and afterwards your Ladyship's absolutely denying it, confirms ev'ry body +in the truth of it: As for Cloaths, Equipage and Furniture, they are soon +got ready, and if your Ladiship dislikes living i'the City, we'll take a +House at _Mile-End._ + +La. _Rod_. The City, Mr. _Nicknack,_ A very considerable Place! I have had +noble Suppers there. Suppers dress'd at _Russel_'s in _Ironmonger-lane_, +and have brought away Fifty Guineas at _Basset,_ when at this end o'the +Town I have lost three times Fifty for a sneaking Dish of _Chocolate_. +People too may talk of their want of Sense, but the suppressing +_Bartl'mew-Fair_ was a thing of that wondrous Consultation, it shews the +Citizens have prodigious Head-pieces. + +_Nick_. Your Ladiship has a just Notion of the City. I have read sev'ral +Acts of Common Council, that have really a world of Wit in 'em; but I'm +afraid, Madam, _Collonel Blenheim_ has so far ingratiated himself with +your Ladiship, I shall have a troublesome Rival to deal with. + +La. _Rod_. Not in the least, I admitted him only as a Visitant, but at +present I must be more particular with him; he's of late grown a little +irreverent towards our Sex, and I must check an insolent Humour he has got +of despising Matrimony; he'll be with me instantly, I'll dispose you, that +you may over-hear all, how I'll turn and wind him, cross him, humour him, +and confound him; when you think it proper make your Appearance, and we'll +both laugh at him. + +_Nick._ If your Ladiship pleases, I had rather laugh in my Sleeve, for +those blustering Officers, that are us'd to destroy whole Batallions, make +no more of murdering one Man, than an Alderman does of eating up a single +_Turkey_. + +La. _Rod_. Never fear him, Mr. _Nicknack_. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have been Collonel i'th'_Train-Bands_ these seven +Years, and therefore ought not to want Courage; and tho' I never learnt to +fence, there's an admirable Master teaches three times a Week, at the +_Swan Tavern_ in _Cornhil_. [_Exeunt_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Now will I be Spitchcockt, if she han't an Inclination for the +_Collonel_, to coquet, and flirt and fleer, and plague half Mankind, only +because they like her, may be what you call a fine Lady, but in my mind +she has more fantastical Airs than a Kettle-Drummer. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE, _a Room in the_ Rose-Tavern. + +_The Bell rings_. + +[_Bar-keeper without_.] Where a Pox are you all; must Company wait an Hour +for a Room? + +[_A noise of Drawers_.] Coming, coming, coming, Sir. + + _Enter a Drawer with Lights_, Shrimp, Knapsack, and Master _Totty_. + +_Draw_. Please to be here, Gentlemen? + +_Shr_. What's become of your Beau-Drawer, that wore a long _Spanish_ Wig, +lac'd Linnen, silk Stockings, and a Patch? + +_Draw_. He happen'd, Sir, to make bold with a silver _Monteth,_ and is +gone for a Soldier--What Wine are you for Gentlemen? + +_Shr._ [_Aside to the Drawer_.] D'you know Sir _Harry Sprightly,_ Friend? + +_Draw_. Yes, Sir. + +_Shr_. What Wine does he drink? + +_Draw_. Three and Six-penny, Sir. + +_Shr_. I am his Servant, draw us the same. + +_Tot._ Bring me some Sack. [_Exit Drawer._ + +_Shr._ Well, Master, what think you of _London_ now, is not the rattling +of Coaches, the ringing of Bells, and the joyful Cry of _Great and good +News from Holland_, preferrable to the Country, where you see nothing but +Barns and Cow-houses, hear nothing but the grunting of Swine, and converse +with nothing but the Justice, the Jack-daw, and your old Grand-mother. + +_Tot._ Ay, marry is it, and if they ever get me there again, I'll give 'em +leave to pickle and preserve me; here are Drums and Trumpets, Soldiers and +Sempstresses, and fine Sights in ev'ry Street: In the Country we are glad +to go four Miles to see a House o'fire. Nay, wou'd you believe it, we +ha'n't so much as a Tavern in our Town; Gentlemen are forc'd to use Gammer +_Grimes's_ Thatch'd Ale-house, except the Curate be with 'em, and then +they smoke, and drink in the Vestry. + + [_Drawer enters with Wine._ + +_Knap._ Come, Master, here's my hearty Service t'you. + +_Tott._ Your hearty Servant thanks you, Sir--Mr. _Shrimp_, here's the +Respects of a Gudgeon t'you. + +_Shr._ Ah! you're an arch Wag. + +_Tott._ But, pray, Mr. _Shrimp_, where may a body buy a little Wit, my +Grand-mother charg'd me to get some; and, she says, bought Wit's best; +'tis a mighty scarce Commodity i'the Country; we have above two hundred +Gentlemen near us that never heard on't. Our Chaplain has a little, but +they say 'tis n't the right sort. + +_Shr._ Mr. _Knapsack_ can furnish you with five or ten Pounds worth when +you please. + +_Knap._ Mr. _Shrimp_, Master, has a much better Stock, but that you may +n't think I engross it to my self, as they say _Bull_ does Coffee, what I +have is at your Service. + +_Tott._ Sir, my Service t'you again, [_drinks_] This is much better than +_Lincoln_ Ale, fegs. + +_Knap._ What think you now, Master, of a pretty Wench to towze a little? + +_Tott_. He, he, he, [_grins_] I don't know what you mean, Sir. + +_Knap_. Had you never any pleasant Thoughts o'the Fair Sex. + +_Tott_. I never lay with any Body but my Grand-mother; when she was in a +good humour, she'd tickle a Body sometimes, but if she never meddl'd mith +me, I never meddl'd with her. + +_Knap_. A sapless old Hen, you might as well have lain with a +Paring-Shovel; but what think you of a young Woman, that's warm, tender +and inviting. + +_Shr_. By this Light, here's _Betty_ the Orange Woman from the Play-house. + + _Enter_ Betty. [_They_ rise + +_Bett_. Ah! you Devils are you here, why did n't you come into the Pit to +night, and eat an Orange,--who have you got with you, by my lost +Maidenhead, a meer Country Widgeon, you sly Toads will bubble him finely; +let me go snacks, or I'll discover it. Come, Fellows, drink about; +positively it's very cold, fitting so behind at the Box Doors. + +_Shr_. Honest _Betty_, here's Success to thee in ev'ry thing. + +_Bett_. Ay, Faith, but there's little to do this Winter yet, now the +Officers are come over, I hope, to have full Trade; I have had but one +poor Shilling giv'n me to Night, and that was for carrying a Note from a +Baronet in the Side Box to a Citizens Wife in the Gall'ry; but there was +no harm in't, 'twas only to treat with her here by and by, about borrowing +a hundred Pound of her Husband upon the Reversion of a Parsonage. +[_To_ Knap.] Red Coat your Inclinations. [_To_ Tott.] Sir, prosperity +t'you, you are got into hopeful Company. + +_Tott_. Thank you, Mrs. _Betty._ + +_Shr_. Prithee _Betty_ give us a Song. + +_Bett_. A Song, Pigsneyes, why, I have been roaring all Night with Six +_Temple_ Rakes at the _Dog_ and _Partridge_ Tavern in _Wild-street_, and +am so hoarse I cou'd not sing a Line, were the whole Town to subscribe for +me. + +_Knap_. Take t'other Glass, _Betty_. + +_Bett_. T'other Glass, Fellow, by the Bishop of _Munster_, these Puppies +have a Design upon me! but give it me, however, for all that know me, know +I never baulk my Glass. + +_Shr_. But the Song, the Song, _Betty_. [_She Sings_ + + SONG. + +I. + + _How happy are we, + Who from Virtue are free, + That curbing Disease of the Mind, + Can indulge ev'ry Taste, + Love where we like best, + Not by dull Reputation confin'd_. + +II. + + _When were Young, fit to toy, + Gay Delights we enjoy, + And have Crouds of new Lovers wooing; + When were old and decay'd, + We procure for the Trade, + Still in ev'ry Age we are doing_. + +III. + + _If a Cully we meet, + We spend what we get + Ev'ry Day, for the next never think, + When we die, where we go, + We have no Sense to know, + For a Bawd always dies in drink_. + +_Bett_. [_Aside to_ Shrimp.] Hark'e, Satan, where did you pick up this +modest Youth; does he bleed? + +_Shr_. Oh! abundantly. + +_Bett_. That's well, dress him up, and send him _to Will_'s Coffee-House +and he'll soon grow impudent. [_To_ Tott.] My dear, eat this Orange, and +gi'me Half a Crown. + +_Tott_. Half a Crown for an Orange! I can buy one in the Country for two +Pence. + +_Bett_. So you may in Town, lovely Swain, but ev'ry Smock I put upon my +Back costs me nine Shillings an Ell. + +_Knap_. But tell us, _Betty_, what Intrigues are going forward, your +publick Post brings you into a world of private Business, d'you know ever +an amorous Lady that would present me with a hundred Guineas to oblige +her? + +_Bett_. Thee, Child, Lord starve thee, a Foot Soldier! one o'the Infantry, +a Lady that's Fool enough to pay for her Pleasures, may provide her self +better out o' the Guards.--Come, gi'me t'other Bumper, nothing's to be got +here, I find, and I must run. + +_Shr_. Why in such hast, _Betty_? + +_Bett_. Haste, Creature, why the Fourth Act is just done, and t'other bold +Beast will run away with all the Money. + +_Knap_. Hark'e, _Bess_, don't stroddle over Peoples Backs so as you us'd +to do. + +_Bett_. Why, how now, Mr. Impudence, I think we do 'em too great an +Honour, and whoever affronts me for it I'll have him kick'd as soon as the +Play's over. [_Exit._ + +_Shr_. Come, my dear Boy, let's tope it about briskly; what think you of +this Lass? is she not frank and free? If you had her in a Corner, she'd +show you the way to _Lyme-house._ + +_Tott_. Are all your _London_ Women like her? Our Country Wenches are as +Cross with treading upon Nettles; there's _Margery_ our Dairy-Maid, I only +offer'd to feel her Bubbies, and she hit me a dowse o'the Jaws enough to +beat down a Stack o' Chimneys. + +_Shr_. We'll carry you to a Lady, Master, that shall stifle you with +Kindness, as pretty a piece of Wild-fowl as paddles about _Covent Garden_; +but you'll tip her a Guinea, her Lodgings are extremely fine; and you must +know a first Floor comes very dear. + +_Knap_. She's a Gentlewoman too, I'll assure you, her Father was hang'd in +_Monmonth_'s Time, wears as rich Cloaths as any Body, and never puts on +the same Suit twice. + +_Tot_. O Gemini, I long to see her; pray, Mr. _Knapsack,_ lets go; but +what shall I treat her with, boil'd Fowls and Oysters. + +_Knap_. Something that's very nice, she's mighty dainty at Supper; but her +constant Breakfast is a Red-Herring, and a quartern o' Geneva. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + _Lady_ Rodomont _and the Collonel discover'd_. + +L. _Rod_. Well, Collonel, now what think you of our Sex? Is there no Nymph +so sovereignly bright, whole matchless Beauty, Virtue, Wit and Fortune +you'd charm your rambling. Thoughts and chain you to her? + +_Coll_. The Goddess you describe, you too well know her wond'rous +Brightness, her commanding Excellence, where ev'ry Star seems glitt'ring +in her Person, and ev'ry Science cultivates her Mind; no Swain but kindles +at her vast Perfections, Sighs at her Feet, and trembles to approach her; +but then a baneful Mischief thwarts our Transports, and while we feast us +with luxuriant Gazing, that bug-bear Marriage rises like a Storm, clouds +ev'ery Beauty, blackens with approaching, and frights away the gen'rous +faithful Lover. + +L. _Rod_. You talk of Love with an unusual Warmth, you seem to feel it +too, and talk with Pleasure; and yet strange wand'ring Notions teaze your +Fancy, whose vain Allurements tantalize your Reason, and force you from +the Happiness you wish for. He that loves truly, loves without reserve; +the Object is the Centre of his Wishes, but your wild Sex that hurry after +Pleasure, whose headstrong Passions kindle ev'ry moment, admire each +Nymph, and eager to possess, you burn, you rage, and talk in tragick +Strains: But when the easy Maid believes, and blesses, when once you ha' +rifl'd, ravish'd and enjoy'd, ungratefully you slight the yielding +Charmer; your Love boil'd o'er descends to cold Indifference, and a +regardless Look rewards her Favours; were I inclin'd to wave my +Resolutions, and yield my self a Victim to Love's Pow'r, were I to chuse a +Man by Fortune slighted, and raise him to a more than common Affluence; +such is the Temper of your graceless Sex, there's not a Cottage Swain that +proves sincere. + +_Coll_. Cou'd you then, Madam, condescend to love, and cou'd a Lover +manifest his Passion, by constant waiting, vigilant Observance, by +sacerdotal Plights, and Faith inviolate, wou'd you prove kind, and take +him to your Arms. + +L. _Rod_. Of things impossible we lightly talk; if such a Man were found, +perhaps, I might. + +_Coll_. Cherish that Thought; believe there is that Man; believe you see +him now; observe him well. + +L. _Rod_. Ha! + +_Coll_. Read from his Eyes his passionate Concern, his flattering Hopes, +his anxious killing Fears; examine ev'ry Symptom, feel his Tremblings, +search to his Heart, and there find Truth unblemish'd; approve his Flame, +and nourish it with Favours. + +L. _Rod_. Have I caught you, Collonel; is this the Sum of all your +Self-sufficiency, your Matrimonial Hate, and boasted Liberty. [_Aside_.] +His Merits probably may vie with any, but sure he last shou'd hope a +Lady's Graces, who saucily arraigns her Sex's Pow'r. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I have a Miracle to tell you, the Collonel from a +blustering, ranting Heroe is dwindl'd to a panting, pining Lover; talks in +blank Verse, and Sighs in mournful postures: He the fam'd _Pyramus_, and I +bright _Thisbe_. + +_Nic_. I thought, Madam, the Collonel had been a profess'd Marriage-hater. + +L. _Rod_. Mr. _Nicknack_, we'll divert our selves at Picquet. When you +recover, Collonel, from this Lethargy, you'll play a Pool with us; Ladies +admit all sorts to lose their Mony. [_Exit Lady_ Rod. _and_ Nick. + +_Coll_. I have plaid a fine Card truly, now shall I be number'd with +those doating Fools, her Pride encourages, then Jilts, and laughs at. +She's fair, but, oh! the Treachery of her Sex. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har_. My dear Collonel, prithee why so pensive? I have had the +pleasantest Adventure this Afternoon, going to the Bank to receive Mony; +in _Pater-Noster-Row_ I saw two of the loveliest Sempstresses the Trade +e'er countenanc'd; I went into the Shop, struck up a Bargain, whipt over +to the _Castle_, where we eat four Crabs, top'd six Bottles, skuttl'd up +and down, kiss'd, towz'd and tumbl'd 'till we broke ev'ry Chair in the +Room. But you are so engag'd with Lady _Rodomont_, your Company's a +Blessing unattainable. + +_Coll_. Yes, I have been engag'd, and finely treated. The Syren with her +false deluding Arts, her Force of Words and seeming to comply, has drawn +me to declare my Passion for her; now rallies and despises all I said, and +hugs her self in baffling my Design. + +Sir _Har_. 'Tis like her Sex, they will ha' their Jades Tricks, but never +mind 'em; we'll to the Tavern and consult new Measures: Our Perseverance +is beyond their Policy. + + _The started Hare may frisk it o'er the Plain, + And the staunch Hound long trace her Steps in vain, + Swiftly she flies, then stops, turns back and views, } + Doubles, and quats, and her lost Strength renews, } + But tho' unseen, he still the Scent persues, } + 'Till breathless to a fatal Period brought, + The Hound o'ertakes her, and poor Puss is caught._ + + +The End of the Fourth ACT. + + + + +ACT V. + +SCENE, _Continues_. + + _Enter Sir_ Harry, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Sir _Harry_, all this Rhet'rick won't prevail; whether you +term it Virtue, or Pride only, I am resolv'd to keep a Fame unspotted, in +spight of all temptations whatsoever. + +Sir _Har._ A Woman's obstinacy is no novelty; but where's the difference +'twixt a Mistress and a Wife. Only a Mistress has a much better Air; you +shall appear as gay and fine as any; strut in Brocade, and glitter in your +Jewels, 'till you put all virtuous Women out o'countenance. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Impudence, Sir _Harry_, is a lewd Woman's Talent, and yet what +Creature is there so much dash'd as such an one that happens among +virtuous Ladies. If the Passion you profess be real, proceed with Honour, +and you may be heard: Not that I speak this to increase your Vanity; +Ambition only sways my Inclinations, and you must know; I have a mighty +mind to be a Lady. + +Sir _Har._ A Lady! why, my Servants shall all call you so; we'll live +together like Man and Wife, and I'll be so Constant, and so full of Love, +that ev'ry body shall believe we're marry'd. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Love and Constancy, Sir _Harry_, will plainly tell ev'ry body +we are not marry'd. + +Sir _Har._ [_aside_] Have her I must; but how shall I contrive it?--Oh! +a lucky Thought seizes me. Some Ladies after they have refus'd prodigious +Settlements, tell 'em but a Secret, and they'll grant you any thing. +I'll trump up a delicate Lie to tickle her Curiosity and serve the +_Collonel_.----Well, Madam, since you are resolv'd to cross me, I must +apply my self to those more kind tho' less agreeable, tho' had you giv'n +me but the least Encouragement to have shown my opinion of your Parts as +well as Person, I had trusted you with a Story worth your Attention, tho' +'tis a most prodigious Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov_. A Secret! Sir _Harry_, positively, I will know it. + +Sir _Har_, Then ev'ry body'll know it for a Secret. 'Tis a thing of that +dangerous Consequence, Madam, shou'd it e'er be divulg'd, I may have my +Throat cut about it; and pray, what security have I either for your +Fidelity, or that in return you'll favour my Addresses. + +Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis well known, Sir _Harry_, I can keep a Secret; I have +found Ladies cheat at Cards, seen Ladies steal Tea-Spoons, and have never +spoke on't; nay more, I once caught a Lady making her Husband a Cuckold, +and I never discover'd it.----I'll tell you who it was, my Lady +_Elcebeth_.---- + +Sir. _Har._ Nay, Madam, you have giv'n me prodigious Proofs of your +Secrecy, and I'll disclose the Matter. _Collonel Blenheim_ having been so +intollerably us'd by Lady _Rodomont_ is just going to be marry'd to my +Lady _Catterwawl_, the rich Widow in the _Mewse_. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Indeed! + +Sir _Har_. The Lady has regarded him some Years, and her Woman, Mrs. +_Squatt_, has often brought him Presents and Messages which he receiv'd +but coldly, admiring Lady _Rodomont_; but her ill treatment makes him now +resolve gratefully to marry one, who not only will advance his Fortune, +but intirely Loves him. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, you have oblig'd me infinitely, I wou'd'nt but +have known this Story for the World. + +Sir _Har_. But when shall we be happy in each other? + +Mr. _Lov_. I'll give you leave to hope; when I have study'd well, what +Virtue is, I'll tell you more; but at present I must leave you, for I have +a hundr'd and fifty Holes to mend in a lac'd Head just going to the Wash. + +Sir _Har_. Not a Word o'the Secret. + +Mrs. _Lov._ [_angrily_] Sir _Harry_, I'm no tattler, depend upon't; 'tis +lock'd up in this Breast, safe and secure as lodg'd within your own +[_aside_]. I'm ready to burst, 'till I tell it my Lady. + +Sir _Har_. So she's brimful of it already.----Now _Exit_, for my Friend to +humour the design. [_Exit._ + +_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy. + +L. _Rod_. Prithee, Cozen, what is't you mean by the _Collonel_'s going to +be marry'd? You credulous Creatures, that are ignorant of the World, +believe all the stuff you hear. Or suppose him going to be marry'd; why do +you trouble me with such idle Stories? + +Mrs. _Lov_. Nay, Madam, your Ladiship need'n't be discompos'd about the +Matter, I only told it you as a piece o'news, and if it be no concern +t'you, you may soon forget it. + +L. _Rod_. Discompos'd, Creature! Have you had your being in my Family so +long not to know nothing under the Sun's considerable enough to discompose +me? But 'tis a thing impossible; it's not two Hours since he kneel'd to +me, said his sole Happiness depended on my Smiles, with utmost Arguments +enforc'd his Passion, faulter'd, look'd pale, and trembl'd as he spoke it: +Not that I who have had foreign Princes at my Feet, value the conqu'ring +an _English_ Collonel; but I that know my Power infallible, drew him by +policy to that Confession, to have him, as I wou'd have all Mankind, my +Slave. + +Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, Madam, affirm'd it with that unaffected Air of +Truth, enjoyn'd me so strict a Secrecy in the Matter, saying, if't were +discover'd his Life might be in danger; that you must pardon me, Madam, if +I can't help believing it. + +L. _Rod_. Cozen, you that have never been beyond _Tunbridge-Wells_, +must'nt dispute with me that know the Intreagues of ev'ry Court and +Country. Matches an't so easily made up, nor is it probable my slighting +him, shou'd make another Lady value him; if it be true, he must have been +in League with her some time, and, certainly, I shan't care to be +banter'd.----But I'll know that presently;--Where are all my Fellows? +prithee, Cozen, bid one of 'em come, hither. [_Exit Mrs._ Lov. + + _Enter_ Footman. + +Who order'd you, you fat, heavy heel'd Booby; you are two Hours creeping +to the Gate? Call another,-- + + _Enter another_ Footman. + +Nor you you Sot, you'll loiter at ev'ry Ale-house you come to. +Send in the _Yorkshire_ Footman that's never out o'breath;---- + + _Enter a Third_. + +This Fellow's an intollerable Fool too; d'you hear Changling, go to _Young +Man's_ Coffee-house, enquire for _Collonel Blenheim_; if he's not there, +run to the _Smyrna, White's, Tom's, Will's, Offendo's_, and the _Gaunt_; +tell him I desire to speak with him presently; search the _Park_, the +_Play house_, and all the Taverns and Gaming-houses you can think on; for, +positively, if you don't find him, I'll immediately turn you off. + + _Re-enter Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +Mrs. _Lov_. I hope, Madam, your Ladiship's not displeas'd with me; 'tis my +int'rest to oblige in ev'ry thing, where daily I receive such numerous +Favours. [_Aside_]. She has the Money, and I must submit, tho' 'tis well +known, I'm of a much better Family. + +L. _Rod_. Excuse me, dear Cozen, and don't imagine the most finish'd +Cavalier cou'd shake my firm Resolves; but when a Fellow's arrogance shall +dare to proffer his unwelcome worthless Love, then villainously act the +same Part elsewhere; Honour won't let me tamely acquiesce. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Madam, Mr. _Nicknack_ desires the favour of kissing your +Hands. + +L. _Rod._ Pray admit him, Cozen, he's rich and personable, very good +humour'd, and no Fool: His aspiring at me does indeed show a prodigious +stock of Vanity; but 'tis a failing, People o'the best Sense are liable +to, and I had rather prove a Man too ambitious than to have no spirit at +all. + + _Enter_ Nicknack. + +Mr. _Nicknack_, I'm so us'd to you of late, methinks your absence gives me +some Chagrin; where have you been this tedious long half Hour? + +_Nick_. When we flung up the Cards, Madam, I went to see the two Children +that grow together; I wish 'twere your Ladiship's case and mine. + +L. _Rod._ We shou'd rejoice to be parted agen. + +_Nick._ But has your Ladiship contemplated prodigiously o'the Matter? For +really, Madam, I begin to find my self in more hast than I thought I was. + +L. _Rod._ Already, Mr. _Nicknack_, you're too hasty; tho' I have this +opinion of you, a Match with you requires less _pro_ and _con_ than with +some others; but I fancy People look so silly when they're going to be +marry'd, to see 'em walk demurely up the Church, so sheepishly consenting +and asham'd; with shoals of gaping Fools, that crowd about 'em, as if a +Marriage were a Miracle; prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, that I may guess a +little at the Matter for a Frollick, let my Footman marry you, and my +Cozen together. + +Mrs. _Lov._ Mr. _Nicknack_, and I, Madam. + +_Nick._ Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and I, Madam, a very good Jest i'faith. + +L. _Rod._ But you must believe, you're really marry'd, or how shall I +discover the true Air of it? + +_Nick._ But, Madam, is not believing what one knows to be false, somewhat +like a Tradegy Actress; who while she's playing a Queen or Empress, is +full as haughty, and thinks her self as great. + +L. _Rod._ Oh! a strong faith often deprives People of their Senses. + +_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have frequently told monstrous Stories, 'till I ha' +believ'd 'em my self. + +L. _Rod._ We'll step into the next Room, I have a Fellow too that has the +best Puritanical Face you ever saw; but the Society o'the Livery has +secur'd him from ever being a Saint. +[_Exeunt_ + + + +SCENE, _Lady_ Tossup's. + + + _Enter Lady_ Tossup, _and Mrs._ Flimsy. + +_Flim._ Madam, the Major desires the Honour of kissing your Ladyship's +Hands. + +_L. Toss._ The Major, _Flimsy!_ What Major? Major _Bramble_; What business +can the Major have with me? + +_Flim._ Perhaps, Madam, he's come to pretend to your Ladyship. I have +often caught him rolling his Eyes at your Ladyship, and several times +o'late, he has watch'd above an Hour at the Tabernacle Door to see your +Ladyship come out. + +L. _Toff._ It may be so? but he's old, _Flimsy_. + +_Flim._ He's not quite Fifty, Madam, and they say, He has his Health very +well. + +L. _Toss._ Nay, he's rich; but, I hear, he makes Love to Lady _Rodomont_; +if he slights her for me, I shall receive him more candidly to be reveng'd +on her for affronting me in the _Park_--Pray _Flimsy_ introduce him. + + _Enter_ Bramble. + +A Visit, Major, from a Person of your incessant Negotiations, and refin'd +Politicks is a Grace so peculiar, that I want Assurance to receive it, and +Capacity to acknowledge it. + +_Bram._ 'Tis for my Improvement, Madam, to address a Lady whose superiour +Talents so much excel those Politicks, her condescending Goodness pleases +to commend in me. The great Monarch o'_France_ thinks it his int'rest on +ev'ry nice point o'State to visit the greater Madam _Maintenon_. + +L. _Toss._ [_aside_] Nay, I always read the Votes, and can tell what +_nemine contradicente_ means. I vow the Major's Oratory is extravagantly +well dress'd! I wonder, Sir, your transcending Abilities are not more +taken notice of at Court! Methinks you shou'd be sent Ambassadour +Extraordinary to some magnanimous Prince in _Terra Incognita_; for I'm +certain, you must understand more Languages than were ever heard of. + +_Bram._ Int'rest, Madam, as much depresses true Merit, as a flutt'ring +Assurance over pow'rs real Beauty, otherwise my Intellects might shine as +much above modern Statesmen as your Ladyship's Person wou'd out sparkle +Lady _Rodomont_'s. + +L. _Toss._ D'you really think, Major, my Personage more complete than my +Lady's? + +_Bram._ Madam, there's no more comparison between Lady _Rodomont_ and your +Ladyship, than between a dazling Dutchess and a _Wapping_ Head-dresser: If +the surprizing Sight, and continual Idea of your Ladyship had not +discompos'd my Thoughts and confounded my Politicks, the Confederates had +never taken _Lisle_. + +L. _Toss._ Indeed, Major, I'm very sorry for it truly [_aside_]. D'you +hear, _Flimsy_, you will have me lay it on so thick; but I hope 'twill be +retaken agen. + +_Bram._ Is your Ladyship disaffected, then, to the Government? + +L. _Toss._ The most of any body, for I have been three times at Court, and +they have brought me no Chocolate. + +_Bram._ 'Twas a prodigious Affront; and if you'll believe me, Madam, I'm +disaffected to ev'ry kind o'thing but your Ladyship. + +L. _Toss._ What if we adjourn into the Drawing-Room Major? We'll sit upon +the Squabb, drink Whistlejacket, and abuse all Mankind. + +_Bram._ Nature, Madam, has sufficiently expos'd all Mankind, in forming +your Ladyship so far beyond 'em. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts. + + + _Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and the_ Collonel. + +L. _Rod._ _Collonel_, I sent for you to wish you Joy, I hear you're to be +marry'd. + +_Coll._ [_aside._] It works I find; Sir _Harry_'s Thought was admirable-- +Yes, Madam, your Ladyship made such fine Encomiums on Matrimony, with so +much Rhetorick, and force of Reason, that you have persuaded me into that +comfortable State. + +La. _Rod._ I persuade you, did I use any Arguments to persuade you to't. +[_Aside._] How he tortures me; but I'll be calm--Have I seen the Lady, +_Collonel_; did she ever appear in Company; pray how is she built. + +_Col._ Built as other Women are, Madam; she has her Gun-Room, her +Steerage, her Fore-Castle, her Quarter-Deck, her Great-Cabbin, and her +Poop; as for her good Qualities, few Women care to hear each other +prais'd; but I'll tell you what Imperfections she has not: She is no proud +conceited haughty Dame, that tow'rs over Mankind with an Estate; no +vain Coquet, that loves a Croud of Followers, invites and smiles, that +drills 'em to admire her; then basely, like a false dissembling +_Crocodile_, prevaricates, and jilts their well-meant Passion. + +La. _Rod._ Hum! + +_Col._ She's rich and beautiful, yet humble too, thinks herself not the +_Phoenix_ o' the Age, nor seems surpriz'd, or mortify'd, to find Ladies a +multitude that far excel her. + +La. _Rod._ Very well. + +_Col._ In short, She has Sense to know a Gentleman that offers Love +sincere, whose Character maintains his just Pretensions, ought to be +treated with the like Regard; and that a faithful and a tender Husband +sufficiently repays the Dross of Fortune. + +La. _Rod._.[_Aside._] He has drawn me to the Life, but I'll return it-- +Such humble things make admirable Wives, and Women when they marry +hectoring Blades, must buy their Peace with wond'rous Condescension, but +when a Lady's unexception'd Graces, artless, immaculate, and universal, +impow'r her to select thro' ev'ry Clime; nay, when she grasps the fickle +Pow'r of Fortune, and is to raise the Man she stoops to wed, Lovers must +sue on more submissive Terms; no Task's too hard when Heav'n's the Reward. +I have a Lover too, no blust'ring Red-Coat, that thinks at the first Onset +he must plunder, bullies his Mistresses, and beats his Men; but when two +Armies meet in Line of Battle, your finest _Collonels_ often prove the +coolest. + +_Col._ Hah! + +La. _Rod._ No Libertine, who infamously vile, burlesques the happiest +Order of Mankind; yet when some Hit shall probably present, can play the +Courtier, to promote his Int'rest, and fondly press what his Soul starts +to think on. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] The Woman speaks truth, by _Jupiter_. + +La. _Rod._ In short, he's humble too, so very humble, he's shockt, and +startles at his high-plac'd Love: He has Wit and Breeding, Virtue, Birth +and Fortune, and yet no spark of Pride appears throughout him, but when I +kindle it with my Commands; nor does he serve, as 'tis his Duty only, but +smiles, prepares, is eager for my Orders, and flies to the Obedience I +require. + +_Col._ Take him, take him. Madam, you have found the only Man to fit your +purpose--I wou'dn't bate one Inch of my Prerogative for ne'er a mony'd +Petticoat in _Europe_. + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel_, these flirting Humours misbecome you, and lighten +not, but aggravate your Baseness. A Thing how much abhorr'd must he +appear, who villanously shall attempt, a Lady, propose, and solemnly +pursue a Conquest, when he, long since, by strictest Oaths and Promises, +has vow'd, been sworn and plighted to another. + +_Col._ You but surmise, as yet I've made no Contract; you were the only +Idol of my Soul, nor did I harbour the least Thought of others, 'till your +Pride us'd me with such poor Contempt, 'twas not sufficient to reject my +service, but you must bring a Fop to mock my Passion, as if I had been an +Animal for sport. + +La. _Rod._ Suppose it true; [_Aside._] my Pride wou'd fain suppose it-- +suppose I us'd you ill too, nay derided you, cou'd you not bear a Flirt +from one you lov'd; had you conceiv'd a bright and lasting Flame, and not +a Vapour, flashing and extinguish'd, you'd ha' born ten times more. Were I +a Man, that knew my strength of Reason, had Sense to ruminate on Women's +Frailties, I'd laugh at all their Spleen, despise their Vapours, and since +a certain Blessing's the Reward, receive their Humours with unmov'd +Philosophy; but to fly off e'er you had well propounded, to leave your +Mistress 'cause she try'd your Courage, was pusillanimous, and few'll +suppose Valour in Arms breeds Cowardice in Love. + +_Col._ [_Aside._] She has struck me dumb, and I'm her Fool again, must +tell her all, and supplicate her pardon, resign my self entirely to her +Will, and trust to her to use me as she pleases----Madam----. +[_Fault'ring._ + +La. _Rod._ _Collonel!_ + + _Enter Sir_ Harry. + +Sir _Har._ Ha, ha, ha, I never knew a Scene more nicely acted; to see two +Lovers pet, and thwart, and wrangle, when they are just expiring for each +other. + +La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] Has he observ'd us too; how I'm confus'd? + +Sir _Har._ But come, come, you have brought the Play to a conclusion; an +Audience wou'd be tir'd to hear more on't. + +_Col._ Why, really, Madam, after all, you have so pretty, so winning an +Air, that o' my Conscience, I think, I cou'd marry you. + +La. _Rod._ And, really, _Collonel_, you have so silly, so sneaking an Air, +that o' my Conscience, you'll make an excellent Husband; but I'm afraid, +_Collonel_, you are so tainted with _French_ Principles, having forag'd in +that Country, you'll be for Tyranny, and arbitrary Government. + +_Col._ And I'm afraid, Madam, you're so obstinate in _English_ Principles, +you'll submit to no Government at all--but the Age has adjusted that +matter, for marry'd People now-a-days are the quietest, best natur'd +Creatures, and live together like Brother and Sister. + +La. _Rod._ Nay, of marry'd Folks, a Soldier's Wife is the happiest, for +half the Year you're in _Flanders_, and one an't plagu'd with you. + +_Col._ And t'other half we are busie in raising Recruits, and don't much +disturb you. + +La. _Rod._ Positively, _Collonel_, I'll not have abundance of Children. + +_Col._ As few as you please, Madam. + +La. _Rod._ For to be mew'd up in a Nursery, with six dirty Boys, those +diminutive Apes, of the Father's dull Species. + +_Col._ And as many trolloping Girls, that are the greatest Drugs in +Nature--Well, Madam, since we're come to talk of Procreation, it must be a +Match; and tho' I courted you in a careless way, to please your Humour, +know now, I do love thee beyond measure; thou shalt have Progeny +innumerable; we'll walk to Church with our good Deeds after us; and let +'em be dull or homely, as we must suppose 'em, when they are lawfully +begot, there is a Pleasure, a Tenderness in nursing Children, which none +but Mothers know. + +Sir _Har._ Why isn't this better now than fretting and fuming at one +another; People shou'd marry first, and quarrel afterwards. Oh! here comes +pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and some more of the good Family. + +_Enter_ Nicknack, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy. + +_Nick._ Well, Madam, how does your Ladyship like the Air o' Matrimony. + +La. _Rod._ Extremely well, Mr. _Nicknack_, methinks my Cousin and you make +a most suitable, agreeable Couple, 'tis pity but you were marry'd in +earnest. + +Mrs. _Lov._ In earnest, Madam! pray what have we been doing all this +while. + +_Nick._ Doing, _Precious_, does the chatt'ring over a few Words by her +Ladyship's spruce Footman, in his fine Head o' Hair signify any thing; +don't let your Faith intoxicate you neither. + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, _Precious_, but the chattering over a few Words by a +spruce Parson, in his fine Head o' Hair, which I took care to provide, and +put into her Ladyship's Livery, does signifie somewhat. + +_Nick._ Ha! + +La. _Rod._ What Cousin, have you depriv'd me of my Lover? + +Mrs. _Lov._ I knew your Ladyship had a much superiour Aim, but my Ambition +soars no higher than being an honest Citizen's Wife. + +_Nick._ Don't it so, Mrs. _Ambush_? Methinks you ha' soar'd prodigiously +in that; do you imagine the Ladies of _Billiter-Lane_, St. _Mary-Ax_, and +_French-Ordinary-Court_ will think you their equal. + +La. _Rod._ I must tell you, Mr. _Nicknack_, you have marry'd a +Gentlewoman, whose Education equals the best; her Wit and Breeding will +refine your City. + +_Nick._ Will her Wit and Breeding new furnish my House, or buy a Thousand +Pound Stock in the _Hollow-Blade-Company_. [_To Mrs._ Lov.] Well, Madam, +since you have plaid me a t'other end o'the Town Trick, I shall prove a +t'other end o'the Town Husband, and have nothing to say to you when I can +get any body else. + +Mrs. _Lov._ I then, Sir, shall prove a t'other end o'the Town Wife, and +find a great many Persons that shall have a great deal to say to me. + +Sir _Har._ [_Aside to Mrs._ Lov.] Have you kept the Secret, Madam? + +Mrs. _Lov._ No, Sir _Harry_, But you'll be oblig'd to me to keep another +Secret, that you endeavour'd to debauch me. + +Sir _Har._ You gave me such Hopes, Madam, that you'll keep that for your +own Reputation. [_To_ Nick.] Your pardon, Sir, for whispering your Lady. + +_Nick._ Sir, I have more Manners than to be jealous, especially of what I +don't care two pinches of Snuff for. + + _Enter Servant._ + +_Ser._ Madam, _Major Bramble_, and his Lady. + +La. _Rod._ _Major Bramble_, and his Lady! + +Sir _Har._ Oh! my Lady _Toss-up_, Madam, has marry'd the _Major_; I met +'em coming from _Covent-Garden-Church_, with Five hundred Boys after 'em. + + _Enter_ Bramble, _and Lady_ Toss-up. + +_Bram._ Hearing, Madam, your Ladyship had almost engag'd your self, I was +resolv'd to lay aside all Animosities, and let you know, I have taken to +Wife the most incomparable Lady _Toss-up_. + +La. _Toss._ And that your Ladyship might not engross the whole Sex, I +receiv'd the _Major_, to let you know I have room for one Lover. + +La. _Rod._ I never knew a more surprizing Couple, such a Conjunction's +Policy indeed; State-Matches never have regard to Faces. +[_Noise without._] Bring 'em along, bring 'em along. + + _Enter_ Constable, _and others, with_ Totty, Shrimp, _and_ Knapsack. + +_Col._ What means this Intrusion? + +_Con._ Is Sir _Harry Sprightly_ here? + +Sir _Har._ I am he. + +_Con._ An't please your Baronetship, searching some Houses of ill repute, +in one of 'em we found these three Gentlemen, [_pointing to_ Totty _and_ +Knapsack.] with three Women; and searching a little further, under a fat +Whores Petticoats, we found this little Gentleman, [_Pointing to_ Shrimp.] +but saying they belong'd to your Honour, we brought 'em hither before we +went to the Justice. + +Sir _Har_. They do belong to me; here's a Crown for you to drink; pray +leave us. + +_Tot_. If you be Sir _Harry Sprightly_, my Grand-Mother will be very angry +when she hears how these Fellows ha' daub'd my Cloaths. + +Sir _Har_. [_To_ Shrimp.] Was that the Place I order'd you to carry the +Boy to. + +_Tot_. Boy, the Gentlewoman I ha' been with, did'n't think mee a Boy. + +Sir _Har_. What Gentlewoman? + +_Tot_. Why, we ha been at the Tavern, where we drunk pure Sack, and saw +Madam _Betty_, the Orange-Lady; and afterwards we went to fine Madam +_Over-done_'s stately Lodgings in _Vinegar-Yard_, where we ha' been as +merry as my Grand-Mother, when she gets drunk with _Plague-Water_. [_Feels +his Pockets._] Ah Lard! Mr. _Shrimp_, where's my Hundred Pound Bill? + +Sir _Har_. The Lady you ha' been with, I guess, has pickt your Pocket, and +these Fellows are to share it with her. + +_Tot_. She pick my Pocket! why she had a Furbelow-Scarf on. + +Sir _Har_. Come, come, I'll reimburse you, and send you back into the +Country; you are not sharp enough for the Profession design'd you; where +you may boast among your ignorant Acquaintance, that you have a perfect +Knowledge o' the Town, for you have met with two very great Rogues, got +drunk at a Tavern, been at a common Brothel, and have had your Pocket +pickt of a Hundred Pounds. [_To_ Knapsack.] For you, Friend, the +_Collonel_ will take care of you; [_To_ Shrimp.] and for you, Rascal---- + +_Bram_. I profess, Sir _Harry_, a Couple of promising Youths; a Boy shou'd +n't be trusted with so much Money; these Persons have seen the World, and +know how to employ it----Gentlemen, if your Masters discard you, I'll +entertain you. [_Aside_.] I find by their Phis'nomies they'll be rising +Men; and tho' they came sneaking into the World, like other People, and +paid a Tax for their Births, they'll go out of it a more sublime way, and +cheat the Church of their Burials. + +_Col_. Punish'd they shall be, but 'tis now unseasonable; this Day I'd +wish an universal _Jubilee_----What say you to a Dance, good People, my +Lady's Servants are all musical. + +_A DANCE._ + +Col. _The Wav'ring Nymph, with Pride and Envy sir'd, + Ranges the World, to be by all admir'd; + Thro' distant Courts, and Climes, she bears her way, + And like the Sun, wou'd course 'em in a Day; + At length Fatigu'd, she finds those Trifles vain, + Meer empty Joys, repeated o'er again: + But when by Nature urg'd, weak Fancy fails, + And Reason dictating, sound Sense prevails; + Wisely she takes the Lover to her Arms, + And owns her self subdu'd by Love's more potent Charms._ + + + + +The EPILOGUE, + +Spoken by Mrs. _Bradshaw_. + + +_Poets of late so scurrilous are grown, +Instead of Courting, they abuse the Town: +And when an_ Epilogue _entirely pleases, +In thundering Jests, it takes the House to pieces; +The_ Pit _smiles when the_ Gallery_'s misus'd, +The_ Gallery _sniggers when the_ Pit_'s abus'd_; +Side-Boxes _wou'd with Ladies Foibles play, } +But they themselves stand Buff to all we say, } +For nothing strikes them Dead, but_--Please to pay: } +_The_ Upper Regions _angry if pass'd by; +But when some wond'rous_ Joke _shall thither fly._ +Faith, _Jack_, here's Sense and Learning in this Play, +We'll make our Ladies come the _Poet's_ Day. +_This Author wou'd by gentler Means persuade you, +And rather sooth your Follies than degrade you. +Parties may rail, and bully Courtiers Graces, +But fawning, well-tim'd Ballads, shou'd get_ Poets _Places. +Your Absence lately, how we all have mourn'd; +Some pray'd, some fasted too, till you return'd: +But now those melancholly Days retire, +And eager Wit restrain'd, darts fiercer Fire: +Favours unlimited we hope you'll grant us, +And not let dear-bought_ Foreigners _supplant us. +This_ PLAY, _our Author hopes, may please the Town, } +Not that He claims a Merit of his own,_ } +But half our_ Comick Bards _are dead and gone. } +Things scarce attainable more nice appear_; +Coffee _was scarce a Treat, till very dear. +To raise his Genius, with some pains he strove, +As we in Acting shou'd each Day improve. +But as Whims only seem to please this Age, } +If Wit and Humour won't your Hearts engage,_ } +We'll have a Moving-Picture on the Stage. } + + +_F I N I S._ + + + +(final leaf, recto) + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER + William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +R.C. BOYD + University of Michigan + +E.N. HOOKER + University of California, Los Angeles + +JOHN LOFTIS + University of California Los Angeles + +The Society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. + + +Publications for the fifth year [1950-1951] + +(_At least six items, most of them from the following list, will be +reprinted._) + +FRANCES REYNOLDS. (?) _An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Taste, and +of the Origin of Our Ideas of Beauty, &c._ (1785). Introduction by James +L. Clifford. + +THOMAS BAKER. _The Fine Lady's Airs_ (1709). Introduction by John +Harington Smith. + +DANIEL DEFOE. _Vindication of the Press_ (1718). Introduction by Otho +Clinton Williams. + +JOHN EVELYN. _An Apologie for the Royal Party_ (1659). _A Panegyric to +Charles the Second_ (1661). Introduction by Geoffrey Keynes. + +CHARLES MACKLIN. _Man of the World_ (1781). Introduction by Dougald +MacMillan. + +_Prefaces to Fiction._ Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT. _Poems._ + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY. _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY. _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). (Facsimile +of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem.) + +To The Augustan Reprint Society +_William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +2205 West Adams Boulevard +Los Angeles 18 California_ + +_Subscriber's Name and Address_ +______________________________ +______________________________ +______________________________ + + +_As_ MEMBERSHIP FEE _I enclose for the years marked_ + +The current year $ 2.50 +The current & the 4th year 5.00 +The current 3rd & 4th year 7.50 +The current, 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 +The current 1st 2nd 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 + (_Publications_ NO. _3 & 4 are out of print._) + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + +NOTE _All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing +and mailing._ + + + + +PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +First Year (1946-1947) + +1. Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams_, translated by J.V. Cunningham. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fine Lady's Airs (1709), by Thomas Baker + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FINE LADY'S AIRS (1709) *** + +***** This file should be named 14467.txt or 14467.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/6/14467/ + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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