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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14463-0.txt b/14463-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f0377c --- /dev/null +++ b/14463-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3347 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14463 *** + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Charles Macklin +THE MAN OF THE WORLD +(1792) + +With an Introduction by +Dougald MacMillan + + +Publication Number 26 + +Los Angeles +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1951 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +During his extraordinarily long career as an actor, Charles Macklin wrote +several plays. The earliest is _King Henry VII; or, The Popish Imposter_, +a tragedy based on the Perkin Warbeck story, performed at Drury Lane 18 +January 1745/6 and published the same year. As the Preface states, it "was +design'd as a Kind of Mirror to the present Rebellion"; and it provided +the author with a part in which he could express, through the character of +Lord Huntley, his own aversion to foreign influences in the land, to +"_French_ and Priest-rid Weakness" and "Romish Tyranny." This and his +succeeding plays were obviously composed to provide parts for himself; so +no others were published until he had retired. They were his stock in +trade, since Macklin seldom maintained a stable connection with one of the +theatres. Instead he appeared now here now there for brief engagements or +on special occasions, rather than as a regular member of the company, +often carrying his plays with him. Thus a number have survived only in +manuscript. The Larpent Collection contains seven,--the tragedy just +mentioned, four farces, and two five-act comedies, one of these in three +states.[1] This is _The Man of the World_ here reproduced for the first +time in over a century and a half, despite the opinion expressed by Isaac +Reed, in 1782, that "This play, ... in respect to originality, force of +mind, and well-adapted satire, may dispute the palm with any dramatic +piece that has appeared within the compass of half a century...."[2] +Originally it had been performed in Dublin in 1764 under the title _The +True-born Scotchman_, but in 1770 the Examiner of Plays in London refused +to license it. It was re-submitted in 1779 and again forbidden, but was +finally allowed and performed at Covent Garden on 10 May 1781, with the +author in the part of Sir Pertinax Macsycophant. + +Himself irascible and passionate, Macklin had been the most admired +Shylock of his century. His specialty was the performance of character +parts, often dialect roles, either broadly comic or cruel and ironic. The +central figure of this, his best comedy, is such a part. It combines those +features that the author could portray so effectively, the broad dialect, +the callous selfishness, the hypocrisy, the passionate resistance to all +appeals to sentiment and the imperviousness to affection. One can detect +in the creation strong resemblances to Macklin's interpretation of +Shylock, something of Sir Giles Overreach, who was also known to +eighteenth-century play-goers, and possibly of Tartuffe. In his resolute +defiance of the conventions of comedy of sensibility, Macklin resisted the +pressure to allow Sir Pertinax to soften in the end and terminate the play +on a note of happy reconciliation and family harmony. + +In thus preserving the toughness of Sir Pertinax consistently to the end, +Macklin remained true to the tradition of critical, satiric comedy that he +had been bred in but that by this time had almost disappeared. Protesting +against the refusal of a license for his play, in 1779, Macklin composed a +defense of satiric comedy. He insists upon the reformatory function of +comedy and upon the satiric method of performing this task. "The business +of the Stage," he says, "is to correct vice, and laugh at folly ... This +piece is in support of virtue, morality, decency, and the Laws of the +Land: it satirizes both public and private venality, and reprobates +inordinate passions and tyrannical conduct in a parent ... Now, with +regard to my comedy is it not just and salutary that the subtilty [_sic_], +pride, insolence, cunning, and the thorough-paced villany [_sic_] of a +backbiting Scotchman should be ridiculed? What a wretched state the Comic +Muse and the Stage would be reduced to, were the prohibition of laughing +at the corruption and other vices of the age to prevail!"[3] True the +Comic +Muse, long sick, as Garrick said in his prologue to _She Stoops to +Conquer_, had almost died, though farces had done something to sustain +her. Fielding's and Garrick's little satires had largely avoided +sentiment; and the personal, often gross farces of Foote had continued to +use ridicule. But even these lack the forceful pertinacity of Macklin's +denunciation of hypocrisy and vice. It is perhaps too bad that he fell so +far into caricature in the portraits of Lord Lumbercourt and his daughter, +that the main love stories do smack of sensibility, and that he turned his +hero into a mouthpiece for the opposition to the Tory ministries of the +early years of George III. And it is perhaps true that all the characters, +including Sir Pertinax, are more true to the theatre than to the actual +life of the last quarter of the eighteenth century. Still, Sir Pertinax is +vigorous, and the author's position is unmistakable. + +The earliest portion of _The Man of the World_ in the Larpent Collection +is a passage in the fourth act of _The School for Husbands_, performed at +Covent Garden as _The Married Libertine_ on 28 January 1761, twenty years +before _The Man of the World_ was finally presented in London. Elsewhere I +have compared the three complete versions submitted to the Examiner and +have shown why the Lord Chamberlain could not permit it to be licensed.[4] + +_The Man of the World_ was first published in England, with Macklin's +farce _Love a la Mode_, by subscription, in a handsome quarto. Facing the +title-page is a portrait of the author, "in his 93.^d Year," engraved by +John Condé after Opie, for which the trustees of the fund paid 25 guineas. +Preceding the text of the play are the list of subscribers, which contains +many eminent names, an "Advertisement from the Editor," explaining the +occasion and method of publication and giving an account of the handling +of the fund by the trustees, and a dedication to Lord Camden, dated 10 +December 1792, and signed by Macklin, though one rather suspects that +Arthur Murphy had a hand in its composition. These pieces of front matter +have been omitted from the present reproduction as containing nothing +material to the reading or interpretation of the play. The _Dramatis +Personae_ follow, and the text begins with signature B page 1, and runs to +signature K2^{V}. _Love a la Mode_, not reprinted here, then follows, +with separate title-page and pagination. + +Dougald MacMillan + +The University of North Carolina + + + Notes to the Introduction + +[Footnote 1: See _Catalogue of the Larpent Plays in the Huntington +Library_ (1939), Nos. 55, 58, 64, 96, 184, 274, 311, 500, 558.] + +[Footnote 2: _Biographia Dramatica_ (1812), III, 15.] + +[Footnote 3: Quoted by Edward Abbot Parry, _Charles Macklin_ (1891), p. +179.] + +[Footnote 4: See _The Huntington Library Bulletin_, No. 10 (October, +1936), pp. 79-101.] + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +A COMEDY. + + +BY + +MR. CHARLES MACKLIN. + + +AS PERFORMED AT THE + +_THEATRES-ROYAL, DRURY-LANE AND COVENT-GARDEN_. + + +_LONDON_: + + +PRINTED BY J. BELL, BOOKSELLER TO HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS +THE PRINCE OF WALES, +AT THE BRITISH LIBRARY, STRAND. + + +MDCCXCIII. + + + +[Illustration: CHARLES MACKLIN (COMEDIAN) _in his 93d. Year_. + +Printed for the Author by John Bell British Library London July 1792] + + + +_Dramatis Personæ_. + +COVENT-GARDEN. + + +Men. + +_SIR PERTINAX MACSYCOPHANT_, MR. WILSON. +_EGERTON_, MR. LEWIS. +_LORD LUMBERCOURT_ MR. THOMPSON. +_SIDNEY_, MR. AICKIN. +_MELVILLE_, MR. HULL. +_COUNSELLOR PLAUSIBLE_ MR. CUBITT. +_SERJEANT EITHERSIDE_, MR. MACREADY. +_SAM_, MR. LEDGER. +_JOHN_, MR. ROCK +_TOMLINS_, MR. EVATT. + + +Women + +_LADY MACSYCOPHANT_ MISS. PLATT. +_LADY RODOLPHA LUMBERCOURT_, MRS. POPE. +_CONSTANTIA_, MRS. MOUNTAIN. +_BETTY HINT_, MRS. ROCK. +_NANNY_, MRS. DEVERETT. + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +_ACT I. SCENE I_. + + _A Library_. _Enter_ BETTY _and_ SAM. + + +_Betty_. The Postman is at the gate, Sam; pray step and take in the +letters. + +_Sam_. John the gardener is gone for them, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. Bid John bring them to me, Sam: tell him I am here in the Library. + +_Sam_. I'll send him to your ladyship in a crack, madam. [_Exit_. + + + _Enter_ NANNY. + +_Nan_. Miss Constantia desires to speak to you, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. How is she now? any better, Nanny? + +_Nan_. Something; but very low spirited still. I verily believe it is as +you say. + +_Bet_. O! I would take my book oath of it. I can not be deceived in that +point, Nanny.--Ay, ay, her business is done, she is certainly breeding, +depend upon it. + +_Nan_. Why so the housekeeper thinks too. + +_Bet_. Nay, I know the father--the man that ruined her. + +_Nan_. The deuce you do? + +_Bet_. As sure as you are alive, Nanny;--or I am greatly deceived,--and +yet--I can't be deceived neither.--Was not that the cook that came +gallopping so hard over the common just now? + +_Nan_. The same:--how very hard he gallopped;---he has been but three +quarters of an hour, he says, coming from Hyde Park Corner. + +_Bet_. And what time will the family be down? + + +_Nan._ He has orders to have dinner ready by five; there are to be lawyers +and a great deal of company here--he fancies there is to be a private +wedding to night between our young Master Charles and Lord Lumbercourt's +Daughter, the Scotch lady, who he says is just come post from Bath in +order to be married to him. + +_Bet._ Ay, ay--Lady Rodolpha--nay, like enough--for I know it has been +talked of a good while;--well, go tell Miss Constantia that I will be with +her immediately. + +_Nan._ I shall, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Soh! I find they all believe the impertinent creature is +breeding--that's pure! it will soon reach my lady's ears, I warrant. + + + _Enter_ JOHN. + +Well, John, ever a letter for me? + +_John._ No, Mrs. Betty, but here is one for Miss Constantia. + +_Bet._ Give it me.--Hum!--my lady's hand. + +_John._ And here is one which the postman says is for my young master--but +it's a strange direction. [_reads._] '_To_ Charles Egerton, _Esq._' + +_Bet._ O! yes, yes,--that is for Master Charles, John:--for he has dropped +his father's name of Macsycophant, and has taken up that of Egerton--the +parliament has ordered it. + +_John._ The parliament!--pr'ythee, why so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet._ Why you must know, John, that my lady, his mother, was an Egerton +by her father:--she stole a match with our old master, for which all her +family on both sides have hated Sir Pertinax and the whole crew of the +Macsycophants ever since. + +_John._ Except Master Charles, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet._ O! they dote upon him, though he is a Macsycophant--he is the pride +of all my lady's family:--and so, John,--my lady's uncle, Sir Stanley +Egerton dying an old bachelor, and, as I said before, mortally hating our +old master, and all the crew of the Macsycophants, left his whole estate +to Master Charles, who was his godson,--but on condition that he should +drop his father's name of Macsycophant, and take up that of Egerton--and +that is the reason, John, why the parliament has made him change his name. + +_John._ I am glad that Master Charles has got the estate, however--for he +is a sweet tempered gentleman. + +_Bet._ As ever lived:--but come, John, as I know you love Miss Constantia, +and are fond of being where she is--I will make you happy;--you shall +carry her letter to her. + +_John._ Shall I, Mrs. Betty?--I am very much obliged to you.--Where is +she? + +_Bet._ In the housekeeper's room settling the dessert.--Give me Mr. +Egerton's letter, and I'll leave it on the table in his dressing room. I +see it's from his brother Sandy.--So,--now go and deliver your letter to +your sweetheart, John. + +_John._ That I will;--and I am much beholden to you for the favour of +letting me carry it to her:--for though she should never have me, yet I +shall always love her, and wish to be near her, she is so sweet a +creature.--Your servant, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Your servant, John. Ha, ha, ha! poor fellow! he perfectly dotes on +her--and daily follows her about with nosegays and fruit and the first of +every thing in the season.--Ay, and my young Master Charles too is in as +bad a way as the gardener:--in short--every body loves her,--and that's +one reason why I hate her.--For my part, I wonder what the deuce the men +see in her--a creature that was taken in for charity.--I am sure she's not +so handsome.--I wish she was out of the family once:--if she was, I might +then stand a chance of being my lady's favourite myself;--ay, and perhaps +of getting one of my young masters for a sweetheart,--or at least the +chaplain: but as to him, there would be no such great catch if I should +get him. I will try for him however,--and my first step shall be to tell +the doctor all I have discovered about Constantia's intrigues with her +spark at Hadley.--Yes,--that will do,--for the doctor loves to talk with +me,--loves to hear _me_ talk too,--and I verily believe--he, he, he!--that +he has a sneaking kindness for me,--and this story will make him have a +good opinion of my honesty,--and that, I am sure, will be one step +towards----O! bless me,--here he comes,--and my young master with him.-- +I'll watch an opportunity to speak to him as soon as he is alone,--for I +will blow her up I am resolved,--as great a favourite and as cunning as +she is. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ EGERTON _in great warmth and emotion_; + SIDNEY _following, as in conversation_. + +_Sid_. Nay, dear Charles, but why are you so impetuous?--why do you break +from me so abruptly? + +_Eger. [With great warmth_.] I have done, sir,--you have refused.--I have +nothing more to say upon the subject.--I am satisfied. + +_Sid. [With a glow of tender friendship_.] Come, come--correct this +warmth,--it is the only weak ingredient in your nature, and you ought to +watch it carefully. If I am wrong,--I will submit without reserve;--but +consider the nature of your request--and how it would affect me:--from +your earliest youth, your father has honoured me with the care of your +education, and the general conduct of your mind; and, however singular and +morose his temper may be to others,--to me--he has ever been respectful +and liberal.--I am now under his roof too,--and because I will not abet an +unwarrantable passion by an abuse of my sacred character, in marrying you +beneath your rank,--and in direct opposition to your father's hopes and +happiness,--you blame me--you angrily break from me--and call me unkind. + +_Eger. [With tenderness and conviction_.] Dear Sidney,--for my warmth I +stand condemned: but for my marriage with Constantia, I think I can +justify it upon every principle of filial duty,--honour,--and worldly +prudence. + +_Sid_. Only make that appear, Charles, and you know you may command me. + +_Eger. [With great filial regret_.] I am sensible how unseemly it appears +in a son to descant on the unamiable passions of a parent;--but, as we are +alone, and friends,--I cannot help observing in my own defence,--that when +a father will not allow the use of reason to any of his family--when his +pursuit of greatness makes him a slave abroad--only to be a tyrant at +home,--when a narrow partiality to Scotland, on every trivial occasion, +provokes him to enmity even with his wife and children, only because they +dare give a national preference where they think it most justly due;--and +when, merely to gratify his own ambition, he would marry his son into a +family he detests,--[_great warmth_.] sure, Sidney, a son thus +circumstanced (from the dignity of human reason and the feelings of a +loving heart) has a right--not only to protest against the blindness of a +parent, but to pursue those measures that virtue and happiness point out. + +_Sid_. The violent temper of Sir Pertinax, I own, cannot be defended on +many occasions, but still--your intended alliance with Lord Lumbercourt-- + +_Eger_. [_With great impatience._] O! contemptible!--a trifling, quaint, +haughty, voluptuous, servile tool,--the mere lackey of party and +corruption; who, for the prostitution of near thirty years and the ruin of +a noble fortune, has had the despicable satisfaction, and the infamous +honour--of being kicked up and kicked down--kicked in and kicked out,-- +just as the insolence, compassion, or convenience of leaders +predominated:--and now--being forsaken by all parties, his whole political +consequence amounts to the power of franking a letter, and the right +honourable privilege of not paying a tradesman's bill. + +_Sid_. Well, but, dear Charles, you are not to wed my lord,--but his +daughter. + +_Eger_. Who is as disagreeable to me for a companion, as her father for a +friend, or an ally. + +_Sid_. What--her Scotch accent, I suppose, offends you? + +_Eger_. No, upon my honour--not in the least,--I think it entertaining in +her;--but were it otherwise--in decency--and indeed in national affection +(being a Scotchman myself), I can have no objection to her on that +account,--besides, she is my near relation. + +_Sid_. So I understand. But pray, Charles, how came Lady Rodolpha, who, I +find, was born in England, to be bred in Scotland? + +_Eger_. From the dotage of an old, formal, obstinate, stiff, rich, Scotch +grandmother, who, upon a promise of leaving this grandchild all her +fortune, would have the girl sent to her to Scotland, when she was but a +year old, and there has she been ever since, bred up with this old lady in +all the vanity and unlimited indulgence that fondness and admiration could +bestow on a spoiled child--a fancied beauty and a pretended wit. + +_Sid_. O! you are too severe upon her. + +_Eger_. I do not think so, Sidney; for she seems a being expressly +fashioned by nature to figure in these days of levity and dissipation:-- +her spirits are inexhaustible: her parts strong and lively; with a +sagacity that discerns, and a talent not unhappy in painting out the weak +side of whatever comes before her:--but what raises her merit to the +highest pitch in the laughing world is her boundless vanity and spirits in +the exertion of those talents, which often render her much more ridiculous +than the most whimsical of the characters she exposes--[_in a tone of +friendly affection._] and is _this_ a woman fit to make _my_ happiness?-- +_this_ the partner that Sidney would recommend to me for life?--to _you_, +who best know me, I appeal. + +_Sid_. Why, Charles, it is a delicate point,--unfit for _me_ to +determine--besides, your father has set his heart upon the match. + +_Eger_. [_Impatiently._] All that I know:--but still I ask and insist upon +your candid judgment,--is she the kind of woman that you think could +possibly contribute to my happiness? I beg you will give me an explicit +answer. + +_Sid_. The subject is disagreeable;--but, since I must speak,--I do not +think she is. + +_Eger_. [_a start of friendly rapture._] I know you do not; and I am sure +you never will advise the match. + +_Sid_. I never did. I never will. + +_Eger_. [_With a start of joy._] You make me happy,--which I assure you I +never could be with your judgment against me in this point. + +_Sid_. And yet, Charles, give me leave to observe, that Lady Rodolpha, +with all her ridiculous and laughing vanity, has a goodness of heart, and +a kind of vivacity that not only entertains,--but upon seeing her two or +three times, she improves upon you; and when her torrent of spirits +abates, and she condescends to converse gravely--you really like her. + +_Eger_. Why ay! she is sprightly, good humoured, and, though whimsical, +and often too high in her colouring of characters, and in the trifling +business of the idle world,--yet I think she has principles, and a good +heart,--[_with a glow of conjugal tenderness._] but in a partner for life, +Sidney, (you know your own precept, and your own judgment)--affection, +capricious in its nature, must have something even in the external +manners,--nay in the very mode, not only of beauty, but of virtue itself-- +which both heart and judgment must approve, or our happiness in that +delicate point cannot be lasting. + +_Sid_. I grant it. + +_Eger_. And that mode,--that amiable essential I never can meet--but in +Constantia. You sigh. + +_Sid_. No. I only wish that Constantia had a fortune equal to yours. But +pray, Charles, suppose I had been so indiscreet as to have agreed to marry +you to Constantia--would _she_ have consented, think you? + +_Eger_. That I cannot say positively,--but I suppose so. + +_Sid_. Did you never speak to her upon that subject then? + +_Eger_. In general terms only;--never directly requested her consent in +form,--[_he starts into a warmth of amorous resolution._] but I will this +very moment--for I have no asylum from my father's arbitrary design, but +my Constantia's arms.--Pray do not stir from hence:--I will return +instantly. I know she will submit to your advice--and I am sure you will +persuade her to my wish, as my life, my peace, my earthly happiness, +depend on my Constantia. [_Exit._ + +_Sid_. Poor Charles! he little dreams that I love Constantia too,--but +to what degree I knew not myself, till he importuned me to join their +hands.--Yes--I love--but must not be a rival; for he is dear to me as +fraternal affinity:--my benefactor--my friend--and that name is sacred:-- +it is our better self; and ever ought to be preferred;--for the man who +gratifies his passions at the expence of his friend's happiness, wants but +a head to contrive--for he has a heart capable of the blackest vice. + + _Enter_ BETTY, _running up to_ Sidney. + +_Bet_. I beg pardon for my intrusion, sir. I hope, sir, I do not disturb +your reverence! + +_Sid_. Not in the least, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. I humbly beg you will excuse me, sir:--but I wanted to break my +mind to your honour--about a scruple that lies upon my conscience:--and +indeed I should not have presumed to trouble you, sir, but that I know you +are my young master's friend,--and my old master's friend,--and indeed--a +friend to the whole family: [_runs up to him and curtsies very low._] for +to give you your due, sir, you are as good a preacher as ever went into a +pulpit. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! do you think so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. Ay, in truth do I; and as good a gentleman too as ever came into a +family, and one that never gives a servant a bad word, nor that does any +one an ill turn neither behind their back, nor before their face. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! why you are a mighty well spoken woman, Mrs. Betty, and +I am mightily beholden to you for your good character of me. + +_Bet_. Indeed, sir, it is no more than you deserve, and what all the world +and all the servants say of you. + +_Sid_. I am much obliged to them, Mrs. Betty.--But pray what are your +commands with me? + +_Bet_. Why, I'll tell you, sir:--to be sure I am but a servant, as a body +may say--and every tub should stand upon its own bottom;--but--[_she takes +hold of him familiarly, looks first about cautiously, and speaks in a +low familiar tone of great secrecy._] my young master is now in the china +room in close conference with Miss Constantia;--I know what they are +about--but that is no business of mine--and therefore I made bold to +listen a little--because you know, sir, one would be sure--before one took +away any body's reputation. + +_Sid_. Very true, Mrs. Betty,--very true indeed. + +_Bet_. O! heavens forbid that I should take away any young woman's good +name--unless I had a good reason for it; but, sir, [_with great +solemnity._] if I am in this place alive, as I listened, with my ear close +to the door,--I heard my young master ask Miss Constantia the plain +marriage question--upon which I started--and trembled--nay my very +conscience stirred within me so,--that I could not help peeping through +the key-hole. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! and so your conscience made you peep through the +key-hole, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. It did indeed, sir:--and there I saw my young master upon his +knees--lord bless us--and what do you think he was doing?--kissing her +hand as if he would eat it--and protesting--and assuring her--he knew that +you, sir, would consent to the match--and then the tears ran down her +cheeks as fast-- + +_Sid._ Ay! + +_Bet._ They did indeed. I would not tell your reverence a lie for the +world. + +_Sid_. I believe it, Mrs. Betty--and what did Constantia say to all this? + +_Bet_. O!--O! she is sly enough; she looks as if butter would not melt in +her mouth; but all is not gold that glitters; smooth water, you know, sir, +runs deepest:--I am sorry my young master makes such a fool of himself-- +but--um!--take my word for it, he is not the man,--for though she looks as +modest as a maid at a christening--[_hesitating._] yet--ah!--when +sweethearts meet--in the dusk of the evening--and stay together a whole +hour--in the dark grove--and embrace--and kiss--and weep at parting,--why +then you know, sir, it is easy to guess all the rest. + +_Sid._ Why did Constantia meet any body in this manner? + +_Bet._ [_Starting with surprise_.] O! heavens!--I beg, sir, you will not +misapprehend me; for I assure you I do not believe they did any harm--that +is, not in the grove--at least, not when I was there;--and she may be +honestly married for aught I know.--O! lud! sir,--I would not say an ill +thing of Miss Constantia for the world,--for to be sure she is a good +creature:--'tis true, my lady took her in for charity, and indeed has bred +her up to the music and figures;--ay, and reading all the books about +Homer--and Paradise--and Gods and Devils,--and every thing in the world,-- +as if she had been a dutchess: but some people are born with luck in their +mouths, and then--as the saying is--you may throw them into the sea-- +[_deports herself most affedtedly._] but--if I had had dancing masters-- +and music masters--and French Mounseers to teach me--I believe I might +have read the globes, and the maps,--and have danced,--and have been as +clever as other folks. + +_Sid._ Ha, ha, ha! no doubt on it, Mrs. Betty;--but you mentioned +something of a dark walk,--kissing,--a sweetheart and Constantia. + +_Bet._ [_Starts into a cautious hypocrisy_.] O! lud! sir--I don't know any +thing of the matter: she may be very honest for aught I know: I only say, +that they did meet in the dark walk,--and all the servants observe that +Miss Constantia wears her stays very loose--looks very pale--is sick in a +morning, and after dinner: and, as sure as my name is Betty Hint, +something has happened that I won't name,--but--nine months hence--a +certain person in this family may ask me to stand godmother, for I think I +know what's what, when I see it as well as another. + +_Sid_. No doubt you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Cries, turns up her eyes, and acts a most friendly hypocrisy_.] I +do, indeed, sir. I am very sorry for Miss Constantia. I never thought she +would have taken such courses--for in truth I love her as if she was my +own sister; and though all the servants say that she is breeding--yet, for +my part, I don't believe it; but--one must speak according to one's +conscience, you know, sir. + +_Sid_. O! I see you do. + +_Bet_. [_Going and returning_.] I do indeed, sir: and so your servant, +sir--but--I hope your worship won't mention my name in this business;--or +that you had any _item_ from me. + +_Sid_. I shall not, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. For, indeed, sir, I am no busybody, nor do I love fending nor +proving; and, I assure you, sir, I hate all tittling and tattling, and +gossiping and backbiting, and taking away a person's good name. + +_Sid_. I observe you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Set_. I do indeed, sir. I am the farthest from it in the world. + +_Sid_. I dare say you are. + +_Bet_. I am indeed, sir, and so your humble servant. + +_Sid_. Your servant, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Aside, in great exultation_.] So! I see he believes every word I +say,--that's charming. I'll do her business for her I am resolved. +[_Exit._ + +_Sid_. What can this ridiculous creature mean by her dark walk,--her +private spark, her kissing, and all her slanderous insinuations against +Constantia, whose conduct is as unblamable as innocence itself? I see envy +is as malignant in a paltry waiting wench, as in the vainest or most +ambitious lady of the court.--It is always an infallible mark of the +basest nature; and merit in the lowest, as well as in the highest station, +must feel the shaft of envy's constant agents--falsehood and slander. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, Mr. Egerton and Miss Constantia desire to speak with you in +the china room. + +_Sid_. Very well, Sam. [_Exit_ Sam.] I will not see them.--What is to be +done? inform his father of his intended marriage,--no--that must not be;-- +for the overbearing nature and ambitious policy of Sir Pertinax would +exceed all bounds of moderation; for he is of a sharp, shrewd, unforgiving +nature.--He has banished one son already, only for daring to differ from +his judgment concerning the merits of a Scotch and an English historian.-- +But this young man must not marry Constantia.--Would his mother were here! +She, I suppose, knows nothing of his indiscretion:--but she shall, the +moment she comes hither. I know it will offend him; no matter: it is our +duty to offend,--when that offence saves the man we love from a +precipitate action, which the world must condemn, and his own heart, +perhaps, upon reflection, for ever repent: yes,--I must discharge the duty +of my function, and of a friend,--though I am sure to lose the man, whom I +intend to serve. [_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FIRST ACT. + + + + +_ACT II. SCENE I_. + + + _Enter_ CONSTANTIA _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Con_. Mr. Sidney is not here, sir. + +_Eger_. I assure you I left him, and begged he would stay till I returned. + +_Con_. His prudence, you see, sir, has made him retire; therefore we had +better defer the subject till he is present; in the mean time, sir, I hope +you will permit me to mention an affair that has greatly alarmed and +perplexed me: I suppose you guess what it is. + +_Eger_. I do not, upon my word. + +_Con_. That is a little strange.--You know, sir, that you and Mr. Sidney +did me the honour of breakfasting with me this morning in my little study. + +_Eger_. We had that happiness, madam. + +_Con_. Just after you left me, upon opening my book of accompts, which lay +in the drawer of the reading desk, to my great surprise, I there found +this case of jewels, containing a most elegant pair of ear-rings, a +necklace of great value, and two bank bills in this pocket book, the +mystery of which, sir, I presume you can explain. + +_Eger_. I can. + +_Con_. They were of your conveying then? + +_Eger_. They were, madam. + +_Con_. I assure you they startled and alarmed me. + +_Eger_. I hope it was a kind alarm;--such as blushing virtue feels, when, +with her hand, she gives her heart and last consent. + +_Con_. It was not indeed, sir. + +_Eger_. Do not say so, Constantia: come--be kind at once;--my peace and +worldly bliss depend upon this moment. + +_Con_. What would you have me do? + +_Eger_. What love and virtue dictate. + +_Con_. O! sir, experience but too severely proves, that such unequal +matches as ours, never produce aught but contempt and anger in parents, +censure from the world, and a long train of sorrow and repentance in the +wretched parties,--which is but too often entailed upon their hapless +issue. + +_Eger_. But that, Constantia, can not be our case: my fortune is +independent and ample,--equal to luxury and splendid folly. I have a right +to choose the partner of my heart, + +_Con_. But I have not, sir.--I am a dependant on my lady,--a poor, +forsaken, helpless orphan--your benevolent mother found me--took me to her +bosom--and there supplied my parental loss--with every tender care-- +indulgent dalliance, and with all the sweet persuasion that maternal +fondness, religious precept, polished manners, and hourly example could +administer--she fostered me: [_weeps._] and shall I now turn viper,--and +with black ingratitude sting the tender heart that thus hath cherished me? +shall I seduce her house's heir, and kill her peace?--No--though I loved +to the mad extreme of female fondness; though every worldly bliss that +woman's vanity or man's ambition could desire, followed the indulgence of +my love--and all the contempt and misery of this life, the denial of that +indulgence--I would discharge my duty to my benefactress--my earthly +guardian, my more than parent. + +_Eger_. My dear Constantia, your prudence, your gratitude, and the cruel +virtue of your self-denial, do but increase my love, my admiration, and my +misery. + +_Con_. Sir, I must beg you will give me leave to return these bills and +jewels. + +_Eger_. Pray do not mention them:--sure my kindness and esteem may be +indulged so far without suspicion or reproach.--I beg you will accept of +them,--nay--I insist. + +_Con_. I have done, sir: my station here is to obey.--I know, sir, they +are gifts of a virtuous mind--and mine shall convert them to the +tenderest, and most grateful use. + +_Eger_. Hark! I hear a coach:--it is my father.--Dear girl, retire and +compose yourself.--I will send Sidney and my lady to you, and by their +judgment we will be directed: will that satisfy you? + +_Con_. I can have no will but my lady's.--With your leave I will retire; I +would not see her in this confusion. + +_Eger_. Dear girl, adieu! and think of love, of happiness, and the man who +never can be blest without you. [_Exit_ Constantia. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir Pertinax and my lady are come, sir,--and my lady desires to +speak with you in her own room:--oh! here she is, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +_Lady Mac_. [_In great confusion and distress._] Dear child, I am glad to +see you: why did you not come to town yesterday to attend the levee? your +father is incensed to the uttermost at your not being there. + +_Eger_. [_With great warmth._] Madam, it is with extreme regret I tell +you, that I can no longer be a slave to his temper, his politics, and his +scheme of marrying me to this woman,--therefore you had better consent at +once to my going out of the kingdom, and my taking Constantia with me, for +without her I never can be happy. + +_Lady Mac_. As you regard my peace, or your own character, I beg you will +not be guilty of so rash a step.--You promised me you never would marry +her without my consent.--I will open it to your father.--Pray, dear +Charles, be ruled:--let me prevail. + + _Sir_ PERTINAX. [_Without, in great anger._] + +_Sir Per_. Sir, wull ye do as ye are bid--and haud your gab, you rascal.-- +You are so full of gab, you scoundrel.--Take the chesnut gelding, I say, +and return to town directly, and see what is become of my Lord +Lumbercourt. + +_Lady Mac_. Here he comes.--I will get out of his way.--But I beg, +Charles, while he is in this ill humour that you will not oppose him, let +him say what he will--when his passion is a little cool, I will return, +and try to bring him to reason: but do not thwart him. + +_Eger_. Madam, I will not. [_Exit_ Lady Mac. + +_Sir Per_. [_Witbout._] Here, you Tomlins, where is my son Egerton? + +_Tom_. [_Without._] In the library, sir. + +_Sir Per_. [_Without._] As soon as the lawyers come, be sure bring me +word, [_Enters with great haughtiness, and in anger_. EGERTON _bows two or +three times most submissively low._] Weel, sir!--vary weel!--vary weel!-- +are nat ye a fine spark? are nat ye a fine spark, I say?--ah! you are a-- +so you wou'd not come up till the levee? + +_Eger_. Sir, I beg your pardon--but--I was not very well; besides I +did not think my presence there was necessary. + +_Sir Per_. [_Snapping him up._] Sir, it was necessary--I tauld you it was +necessary--and, sir, I must now tell you, that the whole tenor of your +conduct is most offensive. + +_Eger_. I am sorry you think so, sir; I am sure I do not intend to offend +you. + +_Sir Per_. I care not what you intend.--Sir, I tell you, you do offend. +What is the meaning of this conduct, sir? neglect the levee!--'sdeath, +sir, you--what is your reason, I say, for thus neglecting the levee, and +disobeying my commands? + +_Eger_. [_With a stifled, filial resentment._] Sir, I am not used to +levees: nor do I know how to dispose of myself,--nor what to say, or do, +in such a situation. + +_Sir Per_. [_With a proud, angry resentment._] Zounds! sir, do you nat see +what others do? gentle and simple,--temporal and spiritual,--lords, +members, judges, generals, and bishops,--aw crowding, bustling, and +pushing foremost intill the middle of the circle, and there waiting, +watching, and striving to catch a look or a smile fra the great mon,-- +which they meet--wi' an amicable reesibility of aspect--a modest cadence +of body, and a conciliating co-operation of the whole mon,--which +expresses an officious promptitude for his service--and indicates, that +they luock upon themselves as the suppliant appendages of his power, and +the enlisted Swiss of his poleetical fortune;--this, sir, is what you +ought to do,--and this, sir, is what I never once omitted for these five +and thraty years,--let who would be minister. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] Contemptible! + +_Sir Per_. What is that you mutter, sir? + +_Eger_. Only a slight reflection, sir, not relative to you. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, your absenting yourself fra the levee at this juncture is +suspeecious; it is looked upon as a kind of disaffection,--and aw your +countrymen are highly offended at your conduct,----for, sir, they do not +look upon you as a friend or a well-wisher either to Scotland or +Scotchmen. + +_Eger_. [_With a quick warmth._] Then, sir, they wrong me, I assure you,-- +but pray, sir, in what particular can I be charged--either with coldness +or offence to my country? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, ever since your mother's uncle, Sir Stanly Egerton, +left you this three thousand pounds a year, and that you have, in +compliance with his will, taken up the name of Egerton, they think you are +grown proud;--that you have estranged yourself fra the Macsycophants--have +associated with your mother's family--with the opposeetion, and with those +who do not wish well till Scotland;----besides, sir, the other day, in a +conversation at dinner at your cousin Campbel M'Kenzie's, before a whole +table-full of your ain relations, did not you publicly wish a total +extinguishment of aw party, and of aw national distinctions whatever, +relative to the three kingdoms?--[_With great anger._] And you blockhead-- +was that a prudent wish before so many of your ain countrymen?--or was it +a filial language to hold before me? + +_Eger_. Sir, with your pardon, I cannot think it unfilial or imprudent. +[_With a most patriotic warmth._] I own I do wish--most ardently wish for +a total extinction of all party: particularly--that those of English, +Irish, and Scotch might never more be brought into contest or competition, +unless, like loving brothers, in generous emulation, for one common cause. + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! do you persist? what!--would you banish aw party, and +aw distinction between English, Irish, and your ain countrymen? + +_Eger_. [_With great dignity of spirit._] I would, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then damn you, sir,--you are nai true Scot.--Ay, sir, you may +look as angry as you will,--but again I say--you are nai true Scot. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir, I think he is the true Scot, and the true +citizen, who wishes equal justice to the merit and demerit of every +subject of Great Britain; amongst whom I know but of two distinctions. + +_Sir Per_. Weel sir, and what are those? what are those? + +_Eger_. The knave and the honest man. + +_Sir Per_. Pshaw! rideeculous. + +_Eger_. And he, who makes any other--let him be of the North, or of the +South--of the East, or of the West--in place, or out of place--is an enemy +to the whole, and to the virtues of humanity. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, sir, this is your brother's impudent doctrine--for the +which, I have banished him for ever fra my presence, my heart, and my +fortune.--Sir, I will have no son of mine, because truly he has been +educated in an English seminary, presume, under the mask of candour, to +speak against his native land, or against my principles. + +_Eger_. I never did--nor do I intend it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I do not believe you--I do not believe you.--But, sir, I +know your connections and associates, and I know too, you have a saucy, +lurking prejudice against your ain country:--you hate it;--yes, your +mother, her family, and your brother, sir, have aw the same, dark, +disaffected rankling; and, by that and their politics together, they will +be the ruin of you--themselves--and of aw who connect with them.--However, +nai mair of that now;--I will talk at large to you about that anon.--In +the mean while, sir--notwithstanding your contempt of my advice, and your +disobedience till my commands, I will convince you of my paternal +attention till _your_ welfare, by my management of this voluptuary--this +Lord Lumbercourt,--whose daughter you are to marry. You ken, sir, that the +fellow has been my patron above these five and thraty years., + +_Eger_. True, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel.--And now, sir, you see, by his prodigality, he is +become my dependent; and accordingly I have made my bargain with him:--the +devil a baubee he has in the world but what comes thro' these clutches-- +for his whole estate, which has three implicit boroughs upon it,--mark--is +now in my custody at nurse;--the which estate, on my paying off his debts, +and allowing him a life rent of five thousand pounds per annum, is to be +made over till me for my life, and at my death is to descend till ye and +your issue.--The peerage of Lumbercourt, you ken, will follow of course.-- +So, sir, you see there are three impleecit boroughs, the whole patrimony +of Lumbercourt, and a peerage at one slap.--Why it is a stroke--a hit--a +hit.----Zounds! sir, a mon may live a century and not make sic an a hit +again. + +_Eger_. It is a very advantageous bargain indeed, sir:--but what will my +lord's family say to it? + +_Sir Per_. Why, mon, he cares not if his family were aw at the devil so +his luxury is but gratified:--only let him have his race-horse to feed his +vanity--his harridan to drink drams with him, scrat his face, and burn his +periwig, when she is in her maudlin hysterics,--and three or four +discontented patriotic dependents to abuse the ministry, and settle the +affairs of the nation, when they are aw intoxicated; and then, sir,:--the +fellow has aw his wishes, and aw his wants--in this world--and the next. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Lady Rodolpha is come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And my lord? + +_Tom_. Not yet, sir,--he is about a mile behind, the servants say. + +_Sir Per_. Let me know the instant he arrives. + +_Tom_. I shall, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Step you out, Charles, and receive Lady Rodolpha;--and, I +desire you will treat her with as much respect and gallantry as possible; +for my lord has hinted that you have been very remiss as a lover.--So go, +go and receive her. + +_Eger_. I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel,--vary weel;--a guid lad: go--go and receive her as a +lover should. [_Exit_ Egerton.] Hah! I must keep a devilish tight hand +upon this fallow, I see,--or he will be touched with the patriotic frenzy +of the times, and run counter till aw my designs.--I find he has a strong +inclination to have a judgment of his ain, independent of mine, in aw +political matters;--but as soon as I have finally settled the marriage +writings with my lord, I will have a thorough expostulation with my +gentleman, I am resolved,--and fix him unalterably in his political +conduct.--Ah!--I am frighted out of my wits, lest his mother's family +should seduce him to desert to their party, which would totally ruin my +whole scheme, and break my heart.--A fine time of day for a blockhead to +turn patriot;--when the character is exploded--marked--proscribed;--why +the common people--the vary vulgar--have found out the jest, and laugh at +a patriot now-a-days,---just as they do at a conjurer,--a magician,--or +any other impostor in society.-- + + _Enter_ TOMLINS, _and Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Tom_. Lord Lumbercourt. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir Pertinax, I kiss your hand. + +_Sir Per_. Your lordship's most devoted. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, you stole a march upon me this morning;--gave me the +slip, Mac;--tho' I never wanted your assistance more in my life.--I +thought you would have called on me. + +_Sir Per_. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of pardons for leaving town +before you; but you ken that your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it +that we should meet this morning at the levee. + +_Lord Lum_. That I acknowledge, Mac.--I did promise to be there, I own. + +_Sir Per_. You did, indeed.--And accordingly I was at the levee and waited +there till every soul was gone, and, seeing you did not come, I concluded +that your lordship was gone before. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, to confess the truth, my dear Mac, those old sinners, +Lord Freakish, General Jolly, Sir Antony Soaker, and two or three more of +that set, laid hold of me last night at the opera,--and, as the General +says, 'from the intelligence of my head this morning,' I believe we drank +pretty deep ere we departed; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that party, my lord, I do not +wonder at not seeing your lordship at the levee, + +_Lord Lum_. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow let me sleep too long +for the levee.--But I wish I had seen you before you left town--I wanted +you dreadfully. + +_Sir Per_. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the way:--but on what +account did you want me? + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair.--And, ha, ha, ha! yet I +cann't help laughing at it neither--tho' it vext me confoundedly. + +_Sir Per_. Vext you, my lord! Zounds, I wish I had been with you:--but, +for heaven's sake, my lord,--what was it, that could possibly vex your +lordship? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning rascal, Mahogany, my +upholsterer.--You know the fellow? + +_Sir Per_. Perfectly, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. The impudent scoundrel has sued me up to some damned kind of +a--something or other in the law, that I think they call an execution. + +_Sir Per_. The rascal! + +_Lord Lum_. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of asking pardon--ha, ha, +ha! had the modesty to wait on me two or three days ago, to inform my +honour--ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to dignify me,--that the execution +was now ready to be put in force against my honour;--but that out of +respect to my honour--as he had taken a great deal of my honour's money-- +he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till he had first informed my +honour, because he was not willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son +of a whore! + +_SirPer_. I never heard of so impudent a dog. + +_Lord Lum_. Now, my dear Mac,--ha, ha, ha! as the scoundrel's apology was +so very satisfactory, and his information so very agreeable--I told him +that, in honour, I thought that my honour cou'd not do less than to order +his honour to be paid immediately. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel +till the full, I think, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great +composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner +of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and +another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good +drubbing as long as the stick lasted. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I +heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought +the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the +soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my +servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged +the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two +that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord +Chief Justice. + +_Sir Per_. The devil! + +_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two +other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged +my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise. + +_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage? + +_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize +it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer. + +_Sir Per_. An impudent villain! + +_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a +damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their +debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a +scandal, dear Mac. to the nation? + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a +grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun, +and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might +extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a +few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the +affair happened. + +_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon +of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics +through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws +shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us. + +_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel +has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from +the opera. + +_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that +the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses. + +_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all +events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to +town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings. + +_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord. + +_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour. + +_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost +stretch of my abeelity. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no +family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not +inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with +you. + +_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know +them? + +_LordLum._ By sight only. + +_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business. + +_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they +say he's a damned jolly fellow. + +_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the +two hardest drinkers in the county. + +_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will +enliven the scene. How far are they from you? + +_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a +step. + +_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means. + +_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company. +[_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with +the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath. +I long to have a little news from her about the company there. + +_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you. + [_A very loud laugh without_. + +_Lady Rodolpha._ [_Without._] Ha, ha, ha! weel I vow, cousin Egerton, you +have a vast deal of shrewd humour.--But Lady Macsycophant, which way is +Sir Pertinax? + +_Lady Mac._ [Without._] Strait forward, madam. + +_Lord Lum_. Here the hairbrain comes: it must be her, by the noise, + +_Lady Rod_. [_Without._] Allons--gude folks--follow me--sans cérémonie. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Running up to Sir_ Per.] Sir Pertinax, your most devoted, +most obsequious, and most obedient vassal. [_Curtsies very low_. + +_Sir Per_. [_Bowing ridiculously low._] Lady Rodolpha, down till the +ground, my congratulations and duty attend you, and I should rejoice to +kiss your ladyship's footsteps. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsying very low._] O! Sir Pertinax, your humeelity is +most sublimely complaisant:--at present, unanswerable;--but I shall +intensely study to return it--fyfty fald. + +_Sir Per_. Your ladyship does me singular honour:--weel, madam--ha! you +look gaily;--weel, and how--how is your ladyship, after your jaunt till +the Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Never better, Sir Pertinax:--as weel as youth, health, riotous +spirits, and a careless happy heart can make me. + +_Sir Per_. I am mighty glad till hear it, my lady. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay--Rodolpha is always in spirits, Sir Pertinax.--Vive la +Bagatelle is the philosophy of our family,--ha? Rodolpha--ha? + +_Lady Rod_. Traith it is, my lord; and upon honour I am determined it +shall never be changed with my consent. Weel I vow--ha, ha, ha! Vive la +Bagatelle would be a most brilliant motto for the chariot of a belle of +fashion. What say you till my fancy, Lady Macsycophant. + +_Lady Mac_. It would have novelty at least to recommend it, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Which of aw charms is the most delightful that can accompany +wit, taste, love, or friendship;--for novelty I take to be the true _Je ne +scais quoi_ of all worldly bliss. Cousin Egerton, shou'd not you like to +have a wife with Vive la Bagatelle upon her wedding chariot? + +_Eger_. O! certainly, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Yes, I think it would be quite out of the common, and +singularly ailegant. + +_Eger_. Indisputably, madam:--for as a motto is a word to the wise, or +rather a broad hint to the whole world of a person's taste and +principles,--Vive la Bagatelle would be most expressive at first sight of +your ladyship's characteristic. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsies._] O! Maister Egerton, you touch my vary heart with +your approbation--ha, ha, ha! that is the vary spirit of my intention, the +instant I commence bride.--Weel! I am immensely proud that my fancy has +the approbation of so sound an understanding, and so polished a taste as +that of the all-accomplished [_Curtsies very low._] Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Weel,--but Lady Rodolpha--I wanted to ask your ladyship some +questions about the company at the Bath;--they say you had aw the world +there. + +_Lady Rod_. O, yes!--there was a vary great mob there indeed;--but vary +little company.--Aw Canaille,--except our ain party.--The place was +crowded with your little purse-proud mechanics;--an odd kind of queer +looking animals that have started intill fortune fra lottery tickets, rich +prizes at sea, gambling in Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of +fortune;--and away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn genteelity, and the +names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us people of fashion; ha, ha, +ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! I know them;--I know the things you mean, my dear, +extremely well.--I have observed them a thousand times, and wondered where +the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion,--and +better na human follies ever afforded; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture--and +sic oddities, ha, ha, ha!--a perfect Gallimaufry.--Lady Kunegunda M'Kenzie +and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose +to reconnoitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till +your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax; ha, ha, ha!-- +Madam, we had in one group--a peer and a sharper,--a dutchess and a +pinmaker's wife,--a boarding school miss and her grandmother,--a fat +parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral,--ha, ha, ha!--aw speaking +together--and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame +and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the object of their +contention? + +_Lady Rod_. O! a vary important one, I assure you;--of no less +consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have +been saved. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Ridiculous! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have seen that very conflict a +thousand times. + +_Sir Per_. And so have I, upon honour, my lord. + +_Lady Rod_. In another party, Sir Pertinax--ha, ha, ha! we had what +was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a +haberdasher,--a red hot patriot and a sneering courtier,--a discarded +statesman and his scribbling chaplain,--with a busy, bawling, +muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer;--all of whom were every minute ready to +gang together by the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry--ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow.--Vary +whimsical upon honour.--But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and +settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a +country dance. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room--in a bye +corner--snug--we had a Jew and a bishop-- + +_Sir Per_. A Jew and a bishop!--ha--ha--a devilish guid connection that;-- +and pray, my lady, what were they about? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, sir, the bishop--was striving to convert the Jew,--while +the Jew--by intervals--was slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop +about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the +stock. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse:--hah! it +was develish clever of him, my lord,--develish clever. + +_Lord Lum_. Yes, yes--the fellow kept a sharp look-out.--I think it was a +fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton. + +_Eger_. True, my lord;--but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way +to succeed. + +_Lord Lum_. O! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!--Well, child, I like your +Jew and your bishop much.--It's develish clever.--Let us have the rest of +the history, pray, my dear. + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is--that there we aw +danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and +cheated, and mingled, and jumbled, and wolloped together--clean and +unclean--even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha!--Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha,--and, upon +my honour, ha, ha, ha!--you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever +was hit off. + +_Sir Per_. Ah! yas, my lord, especially the animal assembly in Noah's +ark.--It is an excellent picture of the oddities that one meets with at +the Bath. + +_Lord Lum_. Why yes, there is some fancy in it, I think, Egerton? + +_Eger_. Very characteristic indeed, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. What say you, Mr. Sidney? + +_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly +in distinct colours. + +_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a +reigning toast before her looking-glass.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I +cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in +the South, at your routs, your assemblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the +which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye. + +"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be? + +"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips +and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon +honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the +wooly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear +Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about? + +"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact +is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic +pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid +comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss, +with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our +dancing and sweating. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their +slips and their slops here in the south. + +"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl, +upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but, +my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the +wolly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!" + + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly. + +_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship. + +_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please. + [_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant. + +_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a +hand at your ladyship's devotion. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.-- +There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the +account of human dealings now-a-days. + +_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in +courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery +ticket. + +_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.-- +Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my +dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it. + [_Exit with_ Eger. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she +has, Maister Sidney. + +_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister +Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last +hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares +will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of +him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this +match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE SECOND ACT. + + + + +_ACT III. SCENE I._ + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word +about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your +court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or +twenty, till oblige him. + +_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper. + +_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic-- +with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the +matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute +about religion, you slily slunged away. + +_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half +pint bumpers. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order +to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of +smaw glasses. + +_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more. + +_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your +drinking more. + +_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the +lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I +am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your +assistance in it. + +_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your +squabble? + +_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have +contributed to assist me. + +_Eger_. How so, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as +my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little +French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the +humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank +half a score bumpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when +we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish +it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken +what will be the consequence. + +_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable +time to settle business, sir? + +_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his +cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid +fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a +bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up +your shoulders at, sir? + +_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy +nor the morality of your doctrine. + +_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull, +understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told +you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of +pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical +subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble +fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it? + +_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities. + +_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you +how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._] +by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great +man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct. + +_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir? + +_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the +instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. +Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what +an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human +nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of +the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll +give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and +a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the +world. + +_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit +down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your +grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum +total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of +Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; +the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid +economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention +to make every man well pleased with himself. + +_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these +materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune +with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a +beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of +London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect. + +_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this +unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts +morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of +prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently +conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my +condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, +beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my +heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an +entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is +generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a +commodity. + +_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that +could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for +an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive, +toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of +deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy +thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the +north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right? + +_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman +with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or assemblies--nai, +sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, +and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of +churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating +love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an +old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she +looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this +miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had +nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, +ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite. + +_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the +same condition. + +_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to +pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her +teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields: +and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me +down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed, +and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do +for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the +strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her +chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a +week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the +siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful +visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was +the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the +vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine? + +_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit +off? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well. + +_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away +with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid +smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill +Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an +ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I bowed, and +watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and +attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary +bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and +wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got +my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery +tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a +much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a +bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing +to some purpose? + +_Eger_. It was indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility +of bowing? + +_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus +bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with +many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, +eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken +in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the +instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which +deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the +polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house +of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, +is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are +popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, +it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows. + +_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice +you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you +entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest +filial gratitude. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet +with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage--your liveries--your +equipage--or your domestic establishment? + +_Eger_. Not yet, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Poh! why there again now you are wrong--vary wrong. + +_Eger_. Sir, we have not had an opportunity. + +_Sir Per_. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business. + +_Lord Lum_. [_Sings without, flusht with wine_.] +'What have we with day to do?' + +_Sir Per_. O! here comes my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you,' + [_Enters, drinking a dish of coffee_: TOMLINS _waiting with a salver +in his hand_.] +--'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Very, good coffee indeed, Mr. +Tomlins. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Here, Mr. Tomlins. + +_Tom_. Will your lordship please to have another dish? + +_Lord Lum_. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] +Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work. + +_Sir Per_. Yes; you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and +vigour of a Bacchanal. + +_Lord Lum_. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but +three motions, old boy,--charge--toast--fire--and off we go: ha, ha, ha! +that's my exercise. + +_Sir Per_. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord,--especially with the +half-pint glasses. + +_Lord Lum_. Zounds! it does execution point blanc:--ay, ay, none of your +pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint +bumpers, my dear: they try a fellow's stamina at once:--but, where's +Egerton? + +_Sir Per_. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands--looking at your +lordship's picture. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Egerton. + +_Eger_. Your lordship's most obedient. + +_Lord Lum_. I beg pardon: I did not see you: I am sorry you left us so +soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. +I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the +colonel. + +_Eger_. So I understand, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. But, Egerton, I have slipt from the company for a few moments, +on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies +there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her. + +_Sir Per_. A demur! how so, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I +desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the +ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she +supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a +single glance or hint upon the subject. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness +to the lady. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS.. + +_Tom_. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and serjeant Eitherside. + +_Sir Per_. Why then we can settle the business this very evening, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. As well as in seven years: and, to make the way as short as +possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to +Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her +directly: [_Exit_ Tomlins.]--He shall attack her this instant, Sir +Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! this is doing business effectually, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax,--that will bring +them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of +awkwardness on both sides. O! here your dulcinea comes, sir. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _singing, a music paper in her hand._ + +_Lady Rod_. I have been learning this air of Constantia: I protest, her +touch on the harpsichord is quite brilliant, and really her voice not +amiss. Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands, and yours, my paternal +lord. [_Lady_ Rod. _curtsies very low; my lord bows very low, and answers +in the same tone and manner._] + +_Lord Lum_. Why, then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the +commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you +to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and +forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening. + +_Lady Rod_. This evening, my lord! + +_Lord Lum_. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them +to settle their liveries, wedding-suits, carriages, and all their amorous +equipage, for the nuptial campaign. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! excellent! excellent! weel, I vow, my lord, you are +a great officer:--this is as guid a manoeuvre to bring on a rapid +engagement as the ablest general of them aw could have started. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay! leave them together; they'll soon come to a right +understanding, I warrant you, or the needle and loadstone have lost their +sympathy. [_Exit Lord_ Lum. _and Sir_ Per. + +[_Lady_ Rodolpha _stands at that side of the Stage, where they went off, +in amazement:_ Egerton _is at the opposite side, who, after some anxious +emotion, settles into a deep reflection:--this part of the scene must be +managed by a nice whispering tone of self-conversation mutually observed +by the Lovers._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Why, this is downright tyranny! it has quite dampt +my spirits; and my betrothed, yonder, seems planet-struck too, I think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A whimsical situation, mine! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Ha, ha, ha! methinks we look like a couple of +cautious generals, that are obliged to take the field, but neither of us +seems willing to come till action. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] I protest, I know not how to address her. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] He will nai advance, I see: what am I to do in this +affair? guid traith, I will even do, as I suppose many brave heroes have +done before me,--clap a guid face upon the matter, and so conceal an +aching heart under a swaggering countenance. +[_As she advances, she points at him, and smothers a laugh; but when she +speaks to him, the tone must be_ loud, _and rude on the word_ Sir.] +_Sir_, as we have,--by the commands of our guid fathers, a business of +some little consequence to transact,--I hope you will excuse my taking the +liberty of recommending a chair till you, for the repose of your body--in +the embarrassed deliberation of your perturbed spirits. + +_Eger_. [_Greatly embarrassed._] Madam, I beg your pardon. [_Hands her a +chair, then one for himself._] Please to sit, madam. [_They sit down with +great ceremony: she sits down first. He sits at a distance from her. They +are silent for some time. He coughs, hems, and adjusts himself. She +mimicks him._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Aha! he's resolved not to come too near till me, I +think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A pleasant interview, this--hem, hem! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside, mimicks him to herself._] Hem! he will not open the +congress, I see.--Then I will.--[_very loud._] _Come, sir_, when will you +begin? + +_Eger_. [_Greatly surprised._] Begin! what, madam? + +_Lady Rod_. To make love till me. + +_Eger_. Love, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. Ay, love, sir.--Why, you have never said a word till me on +the subject,--nor cast a single glance at me,--nor heaved one tender +sigh,--nor even secretly squeezed my loof:--now, sir, thof our fathers are +so tyrannical as to dispose of us without the consent of our hearts;--yet +you, sir, I hope, have more humanity than to think of marrying me without +administering some of the preliminaries, usual on those occasions:--if not +till my understanding and sentiments, yet till the vanity of my sex, at +least, I hope you will pay some little tribute of ceremony and adulation: +that, I think, I have a right to expect. + +_Eger_. Madam, I own your reproach is just:--I shall therefore no longer +disguise my sentiments, but fairly let you know my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starts up, and runs to him._] That's right,--that is right, +cousin;--honourably and affectionately right;--that is what I like of aw +things in my swain.--Ay, ay, cousin--open your mind frankly till me, as a +true lover shou'd.--But sit you down--sit you down again: I shall return +your frankness and your passion, cousin, with a melting tenderness, equal +till the amorous enthusiasm of an ancient heroine. + +_Eger_. Madam, if you will hear me---- + +_Lady Rod_. But, remember, you must begin with fervency,--and a most +rapturous vehemency:--for you are to consider, cousin, that our match is +nai to arise fra the union of hearts, and a long decorum of ceremonious +courtship;--but is instantly to start at once--out of necessity, or mere +accident;--ha, ha, ha! like a match in an ancient romance,--where you ken, +cousin,--the knight and the damsel are mutually smitten and dying for each +other at first sight,--or by an amorous sympathy before they exchange a +single glance. + +_Eger_. Dear madam, you entirely mistake---- + +_Lady Rod_. And our fathers,--ha, ha, ha! our fathers are to be the dark +magicians that are to fascinate our hearts and conjure us together, +whether we will or not. + +_Eger_. Ridiculous! + +_Lady Rod_. So now, cousin, with the true romantic enthusiasm,--you are to +suppose me the lady of the enchanted castle, and you--ha, ha, ha! you are +to be the knight of the sorrowful countenance--ha, ha, ha! and, upon +honour--you look the character admirably;--ha, ha, ha! + +_Eger_. Rude trifling creature! + +_Lady Rod_. Come, sir,--why do you nai begin to ravish me with your +valour, your vows, your knight errantry, and your amorous phrenzy.--Nay, +nay, nay! guin you do nai begin at once, the lady of the enchanted castle +will vanish in a twinkling. + +_Eger_. Lady Rodolpha, I know your talent for raillery well;--but at +present, in my case, there is a kind of cruelty in it. + +_Lady Rod_. Raillery! upon honour, cousin, you mistake me quite and +clean.--I am serious--very serious;--ay, and I have cause to be serious;-- +nay, I will submit my case even till yourself. [_Whines_.] Can any poor +lassy be in a more lamentable condition, than to be sent four hundred +miles, by the command of a positive grandmother, to marry a man, who I +find has no more affection for me,--than if I had been his wife these +seven years. + +_Eger_. Madam, I am extremely sorry---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Cries and sobs_.] But it is vary weel, cousin.--I see your +unkindness and aversion plain enough,--and, sir, I must tell you fairly, +you are the ainly man that ever slighted my person,--or that drew tears +fra these een.--But--it is vary weel--it's vary weel--I will return till +Scotland to-morrow morning, and let my grandmother know how I have been +affronted by your slights, your contempts, and your aversions. + +_Eger_. If you are serious, madam, your distress gives me a deep +concern;--but affection is not in our power; and when you know that my +heart is irrecoverably given to another woman, I think, your understanding +and good nature will not only pardon my past coldness and neglect of +you,--but forgive me when I tell you, I never can have that honour which +is intended me,--by a connection with your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starting up_.] How, sir!--are you serious? + +_Eger_. [_Rises_.] Madam, I am too deeply interested, both as a man of +honour and a lover, to act otherwise with you on so tender a subject. + +_Lady Rod_. And so you persist in slighting me? + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, madam; but I must be explicit, and at once +declare--that I never can give my hand where I cannot give my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_In great anger_.] Why then, sir, I must tell you, that your +declaration is sic an affront as nai woman of spirit can, or ought to +bear:--and here I make a solemn vow, never to pardon it, but on one +condition. + +_Eger_. If that condition be in my power, madam---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Snaps him up_.] Sir, it is in your power. + +_Eger_. Then, madam, you may command me. + +_Lady Rod_. [_With a firm peremptory command_]. Why then, sir, the +condition is this;--you must here give me your honour,--that nai +importunity,--command,--or menace of your father,--in fine, that nai +consideration whatever,--shall induce you to take me, Rodolpha +Lumbercourt, to be your wedded wife. + +_Eger_. Madam, I most solemnly promise, I never will. + +_Lady Rod_. And I, sir, most solemnly, and sincerely [_Curtsies._] thank +you--for [_Curtsies._] your resolution, and your agreeable aversion--ha, +ha, ha! for you have made me as happy as a poor wretch, reprieved in the +vary instant of intended execution. + +_Eger_. Pray, madam, how am I to understand all this? + +_Lady Rod._[_With frankness, and, a reverse of manners_.] Why, sir, your +frankness and sincerity demand the same behaviour on my side;--therefore, +without farther disguise or ambiguity, know, sir, that I myself [_With a +deep sigh_.] am as deeply smitten with a certain swain, as I understand +you are with your Constantia. + +_Eger_. Indeed, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. [_With an amiable, soft, tender sincerity_.] O! sir, +notwithstanding aw my shew of courage and mirth,--here I stand--as errant +a trembling Thisbe, as ever sighed or mourned for her Pyramus,--and, sir, +aw my extravagant levity and ridiculous behaviour in your presence now, +and ever since _your_ father prevailed upon _mine_ to consent till this +match, has been a premeditated scheme to provoke your gravity and guid +sense intill a cordial disgust, and a positive refusal. + +_Eger_. Madam, you have contrived and executed your scheme most happily. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, since Cupid has thus luckily disposed of you till your +Constantia, and me till my swain, we have nothing to think of now, sir, +but to contrive how to reduce the inordinate passions of our parents +intill a temper of prudence and humanity. + +_Eger_. Most willingly I consent to your proposal.----But, with your +leave, madam, if I may presume so far;--'pray, who is your lover? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, in that too I shall surprise you perhaps more than +ever.--In the first place--he is a beggar--and in disgrace with an +unforgiving father;--and in the next place,--he is [_Curtsies._] your ain +brother. + +_Eger_. Is it possible? + +_Lady Rod_. A most amorous truth, sir;--that is, as far as a woman can +answer for her ain heart. [_in a laughing gaiety_.] So you see, cousin +Charles, thof I you'd nai mingle affections with _you_--I have nai ganged +out of the family. + +_Eger_. [_A polite rapture, frank_.] Madam, give me leave to congratulate +myself upon your affection,--you cou'd not have placed it on a worthier +object; and, whatever is to be our chance in this lottery of our parents, +be assured that my fortune shall be devoted to your happiness and his. + +_Lady Rod_. Generous, indeed, cousin--but not a whit nobler, I assure you, +than your brother Sandy believes of you.--And, be assured, sir, that we +shall both remember it, while the heart feels, or the memory retains a +sense of gratitude.--But now, sir, let me ask one question:--Pray, how is +your mother affected in this business? + +_Eger_. She knows of my passion, and will, I am sure, be a friend to the +common cause. + +_Lady Rod_. Ah! that's lucky. Our first step then must be to take her +advice upon our conduct, so as to keep our fathers in the dark till we can +hit off some measure that will wind them about till our ain purpose, and +the common interest of our ain passion. + +_Eger_. You are very right, madam, for, should my father suspect my +brother's affection for your ladyship, or mine for Constantia, there is no +guessing what wou'd be the consequence.--His whole happiness depends upon +this bargain with my lord; for it gives him the possession of three +boroughs, and those, madam, are much dearer to him than the happiness of +his children. I am sorry to say it, but, to gratify his political rage, he +wou'd sacrifice every social tie, that is dear to friend or family. +[_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE THIRD ACT. + + + + +_ACT IV. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE. + + +_Sir Per_. No, no.--Come away, Counsellor Plausible;--come away, +I say;--let them chew upon it.--Why, counsellor, did you ever see so +impertinent, so meddling, and so obstinate a blockhead, as that Serjeant +Eitherside? Confound the fellow--he has put me out of aw temper. + +_Plaus_. He is very positive, indeed, Sir Pertinax,--and no doubt was +intemperate and rude. But, Sir Pertinax, I wou'd not break off the match +notwithstanding; for certainly, even without the boroughs, it is an +advantageous bargain both to you and your son. + +_Sir Per_. But, zounds! Plausible, do you think I will give up the +nomination till three boroughs?--Why I wou'd rather give him twenty, nay +thirty thousand pounds in any other part of the bargain:--especially at +this juncture, when votes are likely to become so valuable.--Why, man, if +a certain affair comes on, they will rise above five hundred per cent. + +_Plaus_. You judge very rightly, Sir Pertinax;--but what shall we do in +this case? for Mr. Serjeant insists that you positively agreed to my +lord's having the nomination to the three boroughs during his own life. + +_Sir Per_. Why yes,--in the first sketch of the agreement, I believe I did +consent:--but at that time, man, my lord's affairs did not appear to be +half so desperate, as I now find they turn out.--Sir, he must acquiesce in +whatever I demand, for I have got him intill sic an a hobble that he +cannot---- + +_Plaus_. No doubt, Sir Pertinax, you have him absolutely in your power. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel:--And ought rial a man to make his vantage of it? + +_Plaus_. No doubt you ought;--no manner of doubt.--But, Sir Pertinax, +there is a secret spring in this business, that you do not seem to +perceive;--and which, I am afraid, governs the matter respecting these +boroughs. + +_Sir Per_. What spring do you mean, counsellor? + +_Plaus_. Why this Serjeant Eitherside,--I have some reason to think that +my lord is tied down by some means or other to bring the serjeant in, the +very first vacancy, for one of these boroughs;--now that, I believe, is +the sole motive why the serjeant is so strenuous that my lord should keep +the boroughs in his own power;--fearing that you might reject him for some +man of your own. + +_Sir Per_. Odswunds and death! Plausible, you are clever,--devilish +clever.--By the blood, you have hit upon the vary string that has made aw +thjs discord.--Oh! I see it,--I see it now.--But hauld--hauld--bide a wee +bit--a wee bit, man;--I have a thought come intill my head--yes--I think, +Plausible, that with a little twist in our negotiation that this vary +string, properly tuned, may be still made to produce the vary harmony we +wish for.--Yes, yes! I have it: this serjeant, I see, understands +business--and, if I am not. mistaken, knows how to take a hint. + +_Plaus_. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Why then, Plausible, the short road is always the best with sic +a man.--You. must even come up till his mark at once, and assure him from +me--that I will secure him a seat for one of these vary boroughs. + +_Plaus_. O! that will do, Sir Pertinax--that will do, I'll answer for't. + +_Sir Per_. And further--I beg you will let him know that I think myself +obliged to consider him in this affair, as acting for me as weel as for my +lord,--as a common friend till baith:--and for the services he has already +done us, make my special compliments till him--and pray let this amicable +bit of paper be my faithful advocate to convince him of what my gratitude +further intends for his great [_Gives him a bank-bill._] equity in +adjusting this agreement betwixt my lord and me. + +_Plaus_. Ha, ha, ha!--upon my word, Sir Pertinax, this is noble.--Ay, ay! +this is an eloquent bit of paper indeed. + +_Sir Per_. Maister Plausible, in aw human dealings the most effectual +method is that of ganging at once till the vary bottom of a man's +heart:--for if we expect that men shou'd serve us,--we must first win +their affections by serving them.--O! here they baith come. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT, _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Sir Pertinax, what could provoke you to break off this +business so abruptly? you are really wrong in the point,--and if you will +give yourself time to recollect, you will find that my having the +nomination to the boroughs for my life was a preliminary article;--I +appeal to Mr. Serjeant Eitherside here, whether I did not always +understand it so. + +_Serj._I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his lordship's conversation +with me upon this business, and in his positive instructions,--both he and +I always understood the nomination to be in my lord, durantê vitâ. + +_ SirPer_. Why, then my lord, to shorten the dispute, aw that I can say in +answer till your lordship is--that there has been a total mistake betwixt +us in that point,--and therefore the treaty must end here. I give it up.-- +O! I wash my hands of it for ever. + +_Plaus_. Well, but gentlemen, gentlemen, a little patience.--Sure this +mistake, some how or other, may be rectified.--Pr'ythee, Mr. Serjeant, let +you and I step into the next room by ourselves, and reconsider the clause +relative to the boroughs, and try if we cannot hit upon a medium that will +be agreeable to both parties. + +_Serj._ [_With great warmth_.] Mr. Plausible, I have considered the clause +fully;--am entirely master of the question;--my lord cannot give up the +point.--It is unkind and unreasonable to expect it. + +_Plaus._ Nay, Mr. Serjeant, I beg you will not misunderstand me. Do not +think I want his lordship to give up any point without an equivalent.--Sir +Pertinax, will you permit Mr. Serjeant and me to retire a few moments to +reconsider this point? + +_Sir Per_. With aw my heart, Maister Plausible; any thing to oblige his +lordship--any thing to accomodate his lordship--any thing. + +_Plaus._ What say you, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_ Nay, I submit it entirely to you and Mr. Serjeant. + +_Plaus._ Come, Mr. Serjeant, let us retire. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay,--go, Mr. Serjeant, and hear what Mr. Plausible has to +say. + +_Serj_. Nay, I'll wait on Mr. Plausible, my lord, with all my heart; but I +am sure I cannot suggest the shadow of a reason for altering my present +opinion: impossible--impossible. + +_Plaus_. Well, well, Mr. Serjeant, do not be positive. I am sure, reason, +and your client's conveniency, will always make you alter your opinion. + +_Serj_. Ay, ay--reason, and my client's conveniency, Mr. Plausible, will +always controul my opinion, depend upon it: ay, ay! there you are right. +Sir, I attend you. [_Exeunt Lawyers._ + +_Sir Per_. I am sorry, my lord, extremely sorry indeed, that this mistake +has happened. + +_Lord Lum_. Upon my honour, and so am I, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. But come now, after aw, your lordship must allow you have been +in the wrong: come, my dear lord, you must allow me that now. + +_Lord Lum_. How so, my dear Sir Pertinax? + +_Sir Per_. Not about the boroughs, my lord, for those I do no mind of a +bawbee;--but about your distrust of my friendship.--Why, do you think +now--I appeal till your ain breast, my lord--do you think, I say, that I +should ever have slighted your lordship's nomination till these boroughs. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax, but one +must be directed by one's lawyer, you know. + +_Sir Per_. Hah! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to +have any dependance upon: they are always starting punctilios and +difficulties among friends. Why, my dear lord, it is their interest that +aw mankind should be at variance: for disagreement is the vary manure with +which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and as they find that +that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always +be sure to lay it on as thick as they can. + +_Lord Lum_. Come, come, my dear Sir Pertinax, you must not be angry with +the serjeant for his insisting so warmly on this point--for those +boroughs, you know, are my sheet anchor. + +_Sir Per_. I know it, my lord,--and, as an instance of my promptness to +study, and of my acquiescence till your lordship's inclination, as I see +that this Serjeant Eitherside wishes you weel and you him, I think now he +would be as guid a man to be returned for one of those boroughs as could +be pitched upon--and as such, I humbly recommend him till your lordship's +consideration. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, my dear Sir Pertinax, to tell you the truth, I have +already promised him. He must be in for one of them, and that is one +reason why I insisted so strenuously: he must be in. + +_Sir Per_. And why not? odswunds! why not? is nai your word a fiat? and +will it nai be always so till me? are ye nai my friend--my patron--and are +we nai, by this match of our children, to be united intill one interest? + +_Lord Lum_. So I understand it, I own, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it can nai be otherwise: then, for Heaven's sake, as +your lordship and I can have but one interest for the future, let us have +nai mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conclude the agreement +just as it stands; otherwise there must be new writings drawn, new +consultations of lawyers, new objections and delays will arise,--creditors +will be impatient and impertinent, so that we shall nai finish the Lord +knows when. + +_Lord Lum_. You are right, you are right: say no more, Mac, say no more. +Split the lawyers--you judge the point better than all Westminster-hall +could. It shall stand as it is: yes, you shall settle it your own way: for +your interest and mine are the same, I see plainly. + +_Sir Per_. No doubt of it, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! here the lawyers come. + + _Enter Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. So, gentlemen--well, what have you done? how are your opinions +now? + +_Serj_. My lord, Mr. Plausible has convinced me--fully convinced me. + +_Plaus_. Yes, my lord, I have convinced him; I have laid such arguments +before Mr. Serjeant as were irresistible. + +_Serj_. He has indeed, my lord: besides, as Sir Pertinax gives his honour +that your lordship's nomination shall be sacredly observed, why, upon a +nearer review of the whole matter, I think it will be the wiser measure to +conclude the agreement just as it is drawn. + +_Lord Lum_. I am very glad you think so, Mr. Serjeant, because that is my +opinion too: so, my dear Eitherside, do you and Plausible dispatch the +business now as soon as possible. + +_Serj_. My lord, every thing will be ready in less than an hour. Come, +Mr. Plausible, let us go and fill up the blanks, and put the last hand to +the writings on our part. + +_Plaus_. I attend you, Mr. Serjeant. [_Exeunt Lawyers_. + +_Lord Lum_. And while the lawyers are preparing the writings, Sir +Pertinax, I will go and saunter with the women. + +_Sir Per_. Do, do, my lord: and I will come till you presently. + +_Lord Lum_. Very well, my dear Mac, I shall expect you. + [_Exit singing, 'Sons of care,' &c._ + +_Sir Per_. So! a little flattery mixt with the finesse of a gilded promise +on one side, and a quantum sufficit of the aurum palpabile on the other, +have at last made me the happiest father in Great-Britain. Hah! my +heart expands itself, as it were thro' every part of my whole body, at +the completion of this business, and feels nothing but dignity and +elevation.--Hauld! hauld! bide a wee! bide a wee! I have but one little +matter mair in this affair to adjust, and then, Sir Pertinax, you may +dictate till Fortune herself, and send her to govern fools, while you shew +and convince the world that wise men always govern her. Wha's there? +[_Enter Footman._]--Tell my son Egerton, I would speak with him here in +the library. [_Exit Footman_]--Now I have settled the grand point with my +lord, this, I think, is the proper juncture to feel the political pulse of +my spark, and, once for aw, to set it to the exact measure that I would +have it constantly beat. [_Enter_ Egerton.]--Come hither, Charles. + +_Eger_. Your pleasure, sir. + +_Sir Per_. About twa hours since I told you, Charles, that I received this +letter express, complaining of your brother's activity at an election in +Scotland against a particular friend of mine, which has given great +offence; and, sir, you are mentioned in the letter as weel as he: to be +plain, I must roundly tell you, that on this interview depends my +happiness as a father and as a man; and my affection to you, sir, as a son +for the remainder of our days. + +_Eger_. I hope, sir, I shall never do any thing either to forfeit your +affection, or disturb your happiness. + +_Sir Per_. I hope so too--but to the point.--The fact is this: there has +been a motion made this vary day to bring on the grand affair--which is +settled for Friday seven-night:--now, sir, as you are popular--have +talents, and are weel heard, it is expected, and I insist upon it, that +you endeavour to atone, sir, for your late misconduct, by preparing, and +taking a large share in that question, and supporting it with aw your +power. + +_Eger_, Sir, I have always divided as you directed, except on one +occasion; never voted against your friends, only in that affair.--But, +sir, I hope you will not so exert your influence as to insist upon my +supporting a measure by an obvious, prostituted sophistry, in direct +opposition to my character and my conscience. + +_Sir Per_. Conscience! why, you are mad! did you ever hear any man talk of +conscience in political matters? Conscience, quotha? I have been in +Parliament these three and thraty years, and never heard the term made use +of before:--sir, it is an unparliamentary word, and you will be laughed at +for it;--therefore I desire you will not offer to impose upon me with sic +phantoms, but let me know your reason for thus slighting my friends and +disobeying my commands.--Sir, give me an immediate and an explicit answer. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, I must frankly tell you, that you work against my +nature; you would connect me with men I despise, and press me into +measures I abhor; would make me a devoted slave to selfish leaders, who +have no friendship but in faction--no merit but in corruption--nor +interest in any measure, but their own;--and to such men I cannot submit; +for know, sir, that the malignant ferment which the venal ambition of the +times provokes in the heads and hearts of other men, I detest. + +_Sir Per_. What are you about, sir? malignant ferment! and venal ambition! +Sir, every man should be ambitious to serve his country--and every man +should be rewarded for it: and pray, sir, would nai you wish to serve your +country? Answer me that.--I say, would nai you wish to serve your country? + +_Eger_. Only shew me how I can serve my country, and my life is hers. +Were I qualified to lead her armies, to steer her fleets, and deal her +honest vengeance on her insulting foes;--or could my eloquence pull down a +state leviathan, mighty by the plunder of his country--black with the +treasons of her disgrace, and send his infamy down to a free posterity, as +a monumental terror to corrupt ambition, I would be foremost in such +service, and act it with the unremitting ardour of a Roman spirit. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir! vary weel! the fellow is beside himself! + +_Eger_. But to be a common barker at envied power--to beat the drum of +faction, and sound the trumpet of insidious patriotism, only to displace a +rival,--or to be a servile voter in proud corruption's filthy train,--to +market out my voice, my reason, and my trust, to the party-broker, who +best can promise, or pay for prostitution; these, sir, are services my +nature abhors,--for they are such a malady to every kind of virtue, as +must in time destroy the fairest constitution that ever wisdom framed, +or virtuous liberty fought for. + +_Sir Per_. Why, are you mad, sir? you have certainly been bit by some mad +whig or other: but now, sir, after aw this foul-mouthed frenzy, and +patriotic vulgar intemperance, suppose we were to ask you a plain question +or twa: Pray, what single instance can you, or any man, give of the +political vice or corruption of these days, that has nai been practised in +the greatest states, and in the most virtuous times? I challenge you to +give me a single instance. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir--it is a subject I wish to decline: you know, +sir, we never can agree about it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I insist upon an answer. + +_Eger_. I beg you will excuse me, sir. + +_Sir Per_. I will not excuse you, sir. I insist. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, in obedience, and with your patience, I will answer +your question. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! ay! I will be patient, never fear: come, let us have it, +let us have it. + +_Eger_. You shall; and now, sir, let prejudice, the rage of party, and +the habitual insolence of successful vice--pause but for one moment,--and +let religion, laws, power herself, the policy of a nation's virtue, and +Britain's guardian genius, take a short, impartial retrospect but of one +transaction, notorious in this land,--then must they behold yeomen, +freemen, citizens, artizans, divines, courtiers, patriots, merchants, +soldiers, sailors, and the whole plebeian tribe, in septennial procession, +urged and seduced by the contending great ones of the land to the altar +of perjury,--with the bribe in one hand, and the evangelist in the +other,--impiously, and audaciously affront the Majesty of Heaven, by +calling him to witness that they have not received, nor ever will receive, +reward or consideration for his suffrage.--Is not this a fact, sir? Can it +be denied? Can it be believed by those who know not Britain? Or can it be +matched in the records of human policy?--Who then, sir, that reflects one +moment, as a Briton or a Christian, on this picture, would be conducive to +a people's infamy and a nation's ruin? + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I have heard your rhapsody with a great deal of patience! +and great astonishment,--and you are certainly beside yourself. What the +devil business have you to trouble your head about the sins or the Souls +of other men? You should leave these matters till the clergy, wha are paid +for looking after them; and let every man gang till the devil his ain way: +besides, it is nai decent to find fault with what is winked at by the +whole nation--nay, and practised by aw parties. + +_Eger_. That, sir, is the very shame, the ruin I complain of. + +_Sir Per_. Oh! you are vary young, vary young in these matters, but +experience will convince you, sir, that every man in public business has +twa consciences,--a religious, and a political conscience. Why, you see a +merchant now, or a shop-keeper, that kens the science of the world, always +looks upon an oath at a custom-house, or behind a counter, only as an oath +in business, a thing of course, a mere thing of course, that has nothing +to do with religion;--and just so it is at an election:--for instance +now--I am a candidate, pray observe, and I gang till a periwig-maker, +a hatter, or a hosier, and I give ten, twenty, or thraty guineas for a +periwig, a hat, or a pair of hose; and so on, thro' a majority of +voters;--vary weel;--what is the consequence? Why, this commercial +intercourse, you see, begets a friendship betwixt us, a commercial +friendship--and, in a day or twa these men gang and give me their +suffrages; weel! what is the inference? Pray, sir, can you, or any lawyer, +divine, or casuist, cawl this a bribe? Nai, sir, in fair political +reasoning, it is ainly generosity on the one side, and gratitude on the +other. So, sir, let me have nai mair of your religious or philosophical +refinements, but prepare, attend, and speak till the question, or you are +nai son of mine. Sir, I insist upon it. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, my lord says the writings are now ready, and his lordship and +the lawyers are waiting for you and Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel: we'll attend his lordship. [_Exit_ Sam.] I tell you, +Charles, aw this conscientious refinement in politics is downright +ignorance, and impracticable romance; and, sir, I desire I may hear no +more of it. Come, sir, let us gang down and finish this business. + +_Eger_. [_Stopping Sir_ Per. _as he is going off,_] Sir, with your +permission, I beg you will first hear a word or two upon this subject. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, sir, what would you say? + +_Eger_. I have often resolved to let you know my aversion to this match.-- + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! + +_Eger_. But my respect, and fear of disobliging you, have hitherto kept me +silent-- + +_Sir Per_. Your aversion! your aversion, sir! how dare you use sic +language till me? Your aversion! Look you, sir, I shall cut the matter +vary short:--consider, my fortune is nai inheritance; aw mine ain +acquisition: I can make ducks and drakes of it; so do not provoke me, +but sign the articles directly. + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, sir, but I must be free on this occasion, +and tell you at once, that I can no longer dissemble the honest passion +that fills my heart for another woman. + +_Sir Per_. How! another woman! and, you villain, how dare you love another +woman without my leave? But what other woman--wha is she? Speak, sir, +speak. + +_Eger_. Constantia. + +_Sir Per_. Constantia! oh, you profligate! what! a creature taken in for +charity! + +_Eger_. Her poverty is not her crime, sir, but her misfortune: her birth +is equal to the noblest; and virtue, tho' covered with a village garb, is +virtue still; and of more worth to me than all the splendor of ermined +pride or redundant wealth. Therefore, sir-- + +_Sir Per_. Haud your jabbering, you villain, haud your jabbering; none +of your romance or refinement till me. I have but one question to ask +you--but one question--and then I have done with you for ever, for ever; +therefore think before you answer:--Will you marry the lady, or will you +break my heart? + +_Eger_. Sir, my presence shall not offend you any longer: but when reason +and reflection take their turn, I am sure you will not be pleased with +yourself for this unpaternal passion. [_Going._ + +_Sir Per_. Tarry, I command you; and, I command you likewise not to stir +till you have given me an answer, a definitive answer: Will you marry the +lady, or will you not? + +_Eger_. Since you command me, sir, know then, that I can not, will not +marry her. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Oh! the villain has shot me thro' the head! he has cut my +vitals! I shall run distracted;--the fellow destroys aw my measures--aw my +schemes:--there never was sic a bargain as I have made with this foolish +lord,--possession of his whole estate, with three boroughs upon it--six +members--Why, what an acquisition! what consequence! what dignity! what +weight till the house of Macsycophant! O! damn the fellow! three boroughs, +only for sending down six broomsticks.--O! miserable! miserable! ruined! +undone! For these five and twanty years, ever since this fellow came +intill the world, have I been secretly preparing him for ministerial +dignity,--and with the fellow's eloquence, abilities, popularity, these +boroughs, and proper connections, he might certainly, in a little time, +have done the deed; and sure never were times so favorable, every thing +conspires, for aw the auld political post-horses are broken-winded and +foundered, and cannot get on; and as till the rising generation, the +vanity of surpassing one another in what they foolishly call taste and +elegance, binds them hand and foot in the chains of luxury, which will +always set them up till the best bidder; so that if they can but get +wherewithal to supply their dissipation, a minister may convert the +political morals of aw sic voluptuaries intill a vote that would sell the +nation till Prester John, and their boasted liberties till the great +Mogul;--and this opportunity I shall lose by my son's marrying a vartuous +beggar for love:--O! confound her vartue! it will drive me distracted. +[_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FOURTH ACT. + + + + +_ACT V. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and_ BETTY HINT. + + +_Sir Per_. Come this way, Betty--come this way:--you are a guid girl, and +I will reward you for this discovery.--O the villain! offer her marriage! + +_Bet_. It is true, indeed, sir;--I wou'd not tell your honour a lie for +the world: but in troth it lay upon my conscience, and I thought it my +duty to tell your worship. + +_Sir Per_. You are right--you are right;--it was your duty to tell me, and +I'll reward you for it. But you say Maister Sidney is in love with her +too.--Pray how came you by that intelligence? + +_Bet_. O! sir, I know when folks are in love, let them strive to hide it +as much as they will.--I know it by Mr. Sidney's eyes, when I see him +stealing a sly side-look at her,--by his trembling,--his breathing +short,--his sighing when they are reading together. Besides, sir, he has +made love-verses upon her in praise of her virtue, and her playing upon +the music.--Ay! and I suspect: another thing, sir,--she has a sweetheart, +if not a husband, not far from hence. + +_Sir Per_. Wha? Constantia? + +_Bet_. Ay, Constantia, sir.--Lord! I can know the whole affair, sir, +only for sending over to Hadley, to farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, +Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per_. Then send this instant and get me a particular account of it. + +_Bet_. That I will, sir. + +_Sir Per_. In the mean time, keep a strict watch upon Constantia,--and +be sure you bring me word of whatever new matter you can pick up about +her, my son, or this Hadley husband or sweetheart. + +_Bet_. Never fear, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. This love of Sidney's for Constantia is not unlikely.--There +is something promising in it.--Yes! I think it is nai impossible to +convert it intill a special and immediate advantage. It is but trying. +Wha's there?--If it misses, I am but where I was. [_Enter_ Tomlins.] Where +is Maister Sidney? + +_Tom_. In the dining room, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Tell him I wou'd speak with him. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] 'Tis more +than probable.--Spare to speak and spare to speed. Try--try--always try +the human heart:--try is as guid a maxim in politics as in war.--Why, +suppose this Sidney now shou'd be privy till his friend Charles's love for +Constantia.--What then? guid traith, it is natural to think that his ain +love will demand the preference,--ay, and obtain it too.--Yes, self--self +is an eloquent advocate on these occasions, and seldom loses his cause. I +have the general principle of human nature at least to encourage me in the +experiment;--for only make it a man's interest to be a rascal, and I think +we may safely depend upon his integrity--in serving himself. + + _Enter_ SIDNEY. + +_Sid_. Sir Pertinax, your servant.--Mr. Tomlins told me you desired to +speak with me. + +_Sir Per_. Yes, I wanted to speak with you upon a vary singular business. +Maister Sidney, give me your hand.--Guin it did nai look like flattery, +which I detest, I wou'd tell you, Maister Sidney, that you are an honour +till your cloth, your country, and till human nature. + +_Sid_. Sir, you are very obliging. + +_Sir Per_. Sit you down, Maister Sidney:--Sit you down here by me. My +friend, I am under the greatest obligations till you for the care you +have taken of Charles.--The principles--religious, moral, and political-- +that you have infused intill him, demand the warmest return of gratitude +both fra him and fra me. + +_Sid_. Your approbation, sir, next to that of my own conscience, is the +best test of my endeavours, and the highest applause they can receive. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, you deserve it,--richly deserve it.--And now, sir, the +same care that you have had of Charles,--the same my wife has taken of her +favourite Constantia.--And sure, never were accomplishments, knowledge or +principles, social and religious, infused intill a better nature. + +_Sid_. In truth, sir, I think so too. + +_Sir Per_. She is besides a gentlewoman, and of as guid a family as any in +this county. + +_Sid_. So I understand, sir. + +_SirPer_. Sir, her father had a vast estate; the which he dissipated and +melted in feastings, and friendships, and charities, hospitalities, and +sic kind of nonsense.--But to the business.--Maister Sidney, I love you,-- +yes,--I love you,--and I have been looking out and, contriving how to +settle you in the world.--Sir, I want to see you comfortably and +honourably fixt at the head of a respectable family,--and guin you were +mine ain son, a thousand times,--I cou'd nai make a more valuable present +till you for that purpose, as a partner for life, than this same +Constantia,--with sic a fortune down with her as you yourself shall deem +to be competent,--and an assurance of every canonical contingency in my +power to confer or promote. + +_Sid_. Sir, your offer is noble and friendly:--but tho' the highest +station would derive lustre from Constantia's charms and worth, yet, were +she more amiable than love could paint her in the lover's fancy,--and +wealthy beyond the thirst of the miser's appetite,--I could not--would not +wed her. [_Rises._ + +_Sir Per_. Not wed her! odswunds, man! you surprise me!--Why so?--what +hinders? + +_Sid_. I beg you will not ask a reason for my refusal,--but, briefly and +finally--it cannot be; nor is it a subject I can longer converse upon. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, weel, weel, sir, I have done,--I have done.--Sit down, +man;--sit down again;--sit you down.--I shall mention it no more;--not but +I must confess honestly till you, friend Sidney, that the match, had you +approved of my proposal, besides profiting you, wou'd have been of +singular service till me likewise.--However, you may still serve me as +effectually as if you had married her. + +_Sid_. Then, sir, I am sure I will most heartily. + +_Sir Per_. I believe it, friend Sidney,--and I thank you.--I have nai +friend to depend upon, but yourself. My heart is almost broke.--I cannot +help these tears,--And, to tell you the fact at once--your friend Charles +is struck with a most dangerous malady,--a kind of insanity.--You see I +cannot help weeping when I think of it;--in short this Constantia, I am +afraid, has cast an evil eye upon him.--Do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Not very well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Why, he is grievously smitten with the love of her;--and, I am +afraid, will never be cured without a little of your assistance. + +_Sid._ Of my assistance! pray, sir, in what manner? + +_Sir Per._ In what manner? Lord, Maister Sidney, how can you be so dull? +Why, how is any man cured of his love till a wench, but by ganging to bed +till her? Now do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Perfectly, sir--perfectly. + +_Sir Per._ Vary weel.--Now then, my very guid friend, guin you wou'd but +give him that hint, and take an opportunity to speak a guid word for him +till the wench;--and guin you wou'd likewise cast about a little now,--and +contrive to bring them together once,--why, in a few days after he wou'd +nai care a pinch of snuff for her. [Sidney _starts up._] What is the +matter with you, man?--What the devil gars you start and look so +astounded? + +_Sid._ Sir, you amaze me.--In what part of my mind or conduct have you +found that baseness, which entitles you to treat me with this indignity? + +_Sir Per._ Indignity! What indignity do you mean, sir? Is asking you to +serve a friend with a wench an indignity? Sir, am I not your patron and +benefactor? Ha? + +_Sid._ You are, sir, and I feel your bounty at my heart;--but the virtuous +gratitude, that sowed the deep sense of it there, does not inform me that, +in return, the tutor's sacred function, or the social virtue of the man +must be debased into the pupil's pander, or the patron's prostitute. + +_Sir Per._ How! what, sir! do you dispute? Are you nai my dependent? ha? +And do you hesitate about an ordinary civility, which is practised every +day by men and women of the first fashion? Sir, let me tell you,--however +nice you may be, there is nai a client about the court that wou'd nai jump +at sic an opportunity to oblige his patron. + +_Sid._ Indeed, sir, I believe the doctrine of pimping for patrons, as well +as that of prostituting eloquence and public trust for private lucre, may +be learned in your party schools:--for where faction and public venality +are taught as measures necessary to good government and general +prosperity--there every vice is to be expected. + +_Sir Per._ Oho! oho! vary weel! vary weel! fine slander upon ministers! +fine sedition against government! O, ye villain! you--you--you are a black +sheep;--and I'll mark you.--I am glad you shew yourself.--Yes, yes,--you +have taken off the mask at last;--you have been in my service for many +years, and I never knew your principles before. + +_Sid._ Sir, you never affronted them before:--if you had, you should have +known them sooner. + +_Sir Per._ It is vary weel.--I have done with you.--Ay, ay; now I can +account for my son's conduct--his aversion till courts, till ministers, +levees, public business, and his disobedience till my commands.--Ah! you +are a Judas--a perfidious fellow;--you have ruined the morals of my son, +you villain.--But I have done with you.--However, this I will prophecy at +our parting, for your comfort,--that guin you are so very squeamish about +bringing a lad and a lass together, or about doing sic an a harmless +innocent job for your patron, you will never rise in the church. + +_Sid._ Though my conduct, sir, should not make me rise in her power, I am +sure it will in her favour, in the favour of my own conscience too, and in +the esteem of all worthy men;--and that, sir, is a power and dignity +beyond what patrons, or any minister can bestow. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ What a rigorous, saucy, stiff-necked rascal it is! I see my +folly now.--I am undone by mine ain policy.--This Sidney is the last man +that shou'd have been about my son:--The fellow, indeed, hath given him +principles, that might have done vary weel among the ancient Romans,--but +are damn'd unfit for the modern Britons.--Weel, guin I had a thousand +sons, I never wou'd suffer one of these English, university-bred fellows +to be about a son of mine again;--for they have sic an a pride of +literature and character, and sic saucy, English notions of liberty +continually fermenting in their thoughts, that a man is never sure of +them. Now, if I had had a Frenchman, or a foreigner of any kind, about my +son, I cou'd have pressed him at once into my purpose,--or have kicked the +rascal out of my house in a twinkling.--But what am I to do?--Zoons! he +must nai marry this beggar;--I cannot sit down tamely under that.--Stay,-- +haud a wee.--By the blood, I have it.--Yes--I have hit upon it.--I'll have +the wench smuggled till the highlands of Scotland to-morrow morning.--Yes, +yes,--I'll have her smuggled-- + + _Enter_ BETTY HINT. + +_Bet._ O! sir,--I have got the whole secret out. + +_Sir Per._ About what? + +_Bet._ About Miss Constantia. I have just got all the particulars from +farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, weel, but what is the story? Quick, quick--what is it? + +_Bet._ Why, sir, it is certain that Mrs. Constantia has a sweetheart--or +a husband,--a sort of a gentleman--or a gentleman's gentleman, they don't +know which--that lodges at Gaffer Hodges's--and it is whispered all about +the village that she is with child by him; for Sukey says she saw them +together last night in the dark walk--and Mrs. Constantia was all in +tears. + +_Sir Per._ Zoons! I am afraid this is too guid news to be true. + +_Bet._ O! sir, 'tis certainly true, for I myself have observed that she +has looked very pale for some time past--and could not eat,--and has +qualms every hour of the day.--Yes, yes, sir--depend upon it, she is +breeding, as sure as my name is Betty Hint..--Besides, sir, she has just +writ a letter to her gallant, and I have sent John Gardener to her, who is +to carry it to him to Hadley.--Now, sir, if your worship would seize it-- +See, see, sir,--here John comes with the letter in his hand. + +_Sir Per._ Step you out, Betty, and leave the fellow till me. + +_Bet._ I will, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ JOHN, _with a Packet and a Letter._ + +_John._ [_Putting the packet into his pocket._] There--go you into my +pocket.--There's nobody in the library, so I'll e'en go thro' the short +way.--Let me see, what is the name?--Mel--Meltil--O, no!--Melville, at +Gaffer Hodges's. + +_Sir Per._ What letter is that, sir? + +_John._ Letter,sir! + +_Sir Per._ Give it me, sir. + +_John._ An't please you, sir, it is not mine. + +_Sir Per._ Deliver it this instant, sirrah, or I'll break your head. + +_John._ [_Giving the letter._] There, there your honour. + +_Sir Per._ Begone, rascal.--This, I suppose, will let us intill the whole +business. + +_John._ [_Aside._.] You have got the letter, old surly, but the packet is +safe in my pocket. I'll go and deliver that, however, for I will be true +to poor Mrs. Constantia in spite of you. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ [_Reading the letter._] Um--um 'and bless my eyes with the +sight of you.'--Um--um 'throw myself into your dear arms.' Zoons! 'this +letter is invaluable.---Aha! madam--yes--this will do--this will do, I +think.--Let me see, how is it directed--'To Mr. Melville.' Vary weel. + [_Enter_ Betty.] +O! Betty, you are an excellent wench,--this letter is worth a million. + +_Bet._ Is it as I suspected?--to her gallant? + +_Sir Per._ It is--it is.--Bid Constantia pack out of the house this +instant--and let them get a chaise ready to carry her wherever she +pleases.--But first send my wife and son hither. + +_Bet._ I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Do so--begone. [_Exit_ Betty.] Aha! Maister Charles,--I believe +I shall cure you of your passion for a beggar now.--I think he cannot be +so infatuated as to be a dupe till a strumpet.--Let me see--how am I to +act now?--Why, like a true politician, I must pretend most sincerity +where I intend most deceit. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, _and Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +Weel, Charles, notwithstanding the misery you have brought upon me,--I +have sent for you and your mother in order to convince you both of my +affection and my readiness to forgive,--nay, and even to indulge your +perverse passion:--for, since I find this Constantia has got hold of your +heart, and that your mother and you think that you can never be happy +without her, why, I'll nai longer oppose your inclinations. + +_Eger._ Dear sir, you snatch me from sharpest misery;--on my knees let my +heart thank you for this goodness. + +_Lady Mac._ Let me express my thanks too,--and my joy;--for had you not +consented to his marrying her, we all should have been miserable. + +_Sir Per._ Weel; I am glad I have found a way to please you both at +last.--But, my dear Charles, suppose now that this spotless vestal,--this +wonder of virtue,--this idol of your heart--shou'd be a concealed wanton +after aw,--or shou'd have an engagement of marriage or an intrigue with +another man,--and is only making a dupe of you aw this time:--I say, only +suppose it, Charles--what wou'd you think of her? + +_Eger._ I should think her the most deceitful, and the most subtle of her +sex, and, if possible, would never think of her again. + +_Sir Per._ Will you give me your honour of that? + +_Eger._ Most solemnly, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Enough.--I am satisfied,--You make me young again.--Your +prudence has brought tears of joy fra my very vitals.--I was afraid you +were fascinated with the charms of a crack.--Do you ken this hand? + +_Eger._ Mighty well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ And you, madam. + +_Lady Mac._ As well as I do my own, sir.--It is Constantia's. + +_Sir Per._ It is so; and a better evidence it is than any that can be +given by the human tongue. Here is a warm, rapturous, lascivious letter +under the hypocritical syren's ain hand--her ain hand, sir. + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, let us hear it. + +_Sir Per._ Ay, ay;--here--take and read it yourself.--Eloisa never writ a +warmer nor a ranker to her Abelard--but judge yourselves. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have only time to tell you, that the family came +down sooner than I expected, and that I cannot bless my eyes with the +sight of you till the evening.--The notes, and jewels, which the bearer +of this will deliver to you, were presented to me, since I saw you, by the +son of my benefactor'-- + +_Sir Per._ [_Interrupts him by his remarks._] Now mark. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'All which I beg you will convert to your immediate +use'-- + +_Sir Per._ Mark, I say. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'For my heart has no room for any wish or fortune, +but what contributes to your relief and happiness'-- + +_Sir Per._ Oh! Charles, Charles, do you see, sir, what a dupe she makes +of you? But mark what follows. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'O! how I long to throw myself into your dear, dear +arms; to sooth your fears, your apprehensions, and your sorrows'-- + +_Sir Per._ I suppose the spark has heard of your offering to marry her, +and is jealous of you. + +_Eger._ Sir, I can only say I am astonished. + +_Lady Mac._ It is incredible. + +_Sir Per._ Stay, stay, read it out--read it out, pray: ah! she is a subtle +devil. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have something to tell you of the utmost moment, +but will reserve it till we meet this evening in the dark walk'-- + +_Sir Per._ In the dark walk--in the dark walk--ah! an evil-eyed curse +upon her! yes, yes! she has been often in the dark walk, I believe:--But, +read on. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'In the mean time banish all fears, and hope the +best from fortune, and your ever dutiful CONSTANTIA HARRINGTON.' + +_Sir Per._ There--there's a warm epistle for you! in short, the hussy, +you must know, is married till the fellow. + +_Eger._ Not unlikely, sir. + +_Lady Mac._ Indeed, by her letter, I believe she is. + +_Sir Per._ Nay, I know she is: but look at the hand--peruse it--convince +yourselves. + +_Eger._ Yes, yes, it is her hand; I know it well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Madam, will you look at it? perhaps it may be forged. + +_Lady Mac._ No, sir, it is no forgery.--Well! after this, I think I shall +never trust human nature. + +_Sir Per._ Now, madam, what amends can you make me for countenancing your +son's passion for sic a strumpet? And you, sir, what have you to say for +your disobedience and your frenzy? O! Charles, Charles-- + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, be patient; compose yourself a moment: I will make you +any compensation in my power. + +_Sir Per._ Then instantly sign the articles of marriage. + +_Eger._ The lady, sir, has never yet been consulted; and I have some +reason to believe that her heart is engaged to another man. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, that is nai business of yours.--I know she will consent +and that's aw we are to consider.--O! here comes my lord. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Lord Lum._ Sir Pertinax, ever thing is ready, and the lawyers wait for +us. + +_Sir Per._ We attend your lordship. Where is Lady Rodolpha? + +_Lord Lum._ Giving some female consolation to poor Constantia.--Why, +my lady, ha, ha, ha! I hear your vestal has been flirting. + +_Sir Per._ Yes, yes, my lord, she is in vary guid order for any man +that wants a wife and an heir till his estate intill the bargain. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam._ Sir, there is a man below that wants to speak to your honour +upon particular business. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, I cannot speak till any body now--he must come another +time;--hand--stay--what--is he a gentleman? + +_Sam._ He looks something like one, sir--a sort of a gentleman--but +he seems to be in a kind of a passion, for when I asked his name, he +answered hastily, it is no matter, friend,--go, tell your master there is +a gentleman here that _must_ speak to him directly. + +_Sir Per._ Must! ha? vary peremptory indeed; pr'ythee, let's see him +for curiosity sake. [_Exit_ Sam. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA. + +_Lady Rod._ O! my Lady Macsycophant, I am come an humble advocate +for a weeping piece of female frailty, wha begs she may be permitted +to speak till your ladyship, before you finally reprobate her. + +_Sir Per._ I beg your pardon, Lady Rodolpha, but it must not be: +see her she shall not. + +_Lady Mac._ Nay, there can be no harm, my dear, in hearing what she has to +say for herself. + +_Sir Per._ I tell you, it shall not be. + +_Lady Mac._ Well, my dear, I have done. + + _Enter_ SAM _and_ MELVILLE. + +_Sam._ Sir, that is my master. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, sir, what is your urgent business with me? + +_Mel._ To shun disgrace, and punish baseness. + +_Sir Per._ Punish baseness! what does the fellow mean? Wha are you, sir? + +_Mel._ A man, sir--and one, whose fortune once bore as proud a sway as any +within this county's limits. + +_Lord Lum._ You seem to be a soldier, sir. + +_Mel._ I was, sir; and have the soldier's certificate to prove my +service--rags and scars. In my heart, for ten long years in India's +parching clime I bore my country's cause; and in noblest dangers sustained +it with my sword: at length ungrateful peace has laid me down where +welcome war first took me up,--in poverty, and the dread of cruel +creditors.--Paternal affection brought me to my native land, in quest of +an only child:--I found her, as I thought, amiable as parental fondness +could desire; but lust and foul seduction have snatched her from me, +and hither am I come, fraught with a father's anger, and a soldier's +honour, to seek the seducer and glut revenge. + +_Lady Mac._ Pray, sir, who is your daughter? + +_Mel._ I blush to own her--but--Constantia. + +_Eger._ Is Constantia your daughter, sir? + +_Mel._ She is; and was the only comfort that nature, fortune, or my own +extravagance had left me. + +_Sir Per._ Guid traith, then, I fancy you will find but vary little +comfort fra her, for she is nai better than she shou'd be.--She has had +nai damage in this mansion. I am told she is with bairn, but you may gang +till Hadley, till one farmer Hodges's, and there you may learn the whole +story, and wha the father of the bairn is, fra a cheeld they call +Melville. + +_Mel._ Melville! + +_Sir Per._ Yes, sir, Melville. + +_Mel._ O! would to heaven she had no crime to answer, but her commerce +with Melville.--No, sir, he is not the man; it is your son, your Egerton, +that has seduced her; and here, sir, are the evidence of his seduction. + +_Eger._ Of my seduction! + +_Mel._ Of yours, sir, if your name be Egerton. + +_Eger._ I am that man, sir; but pray, what is your evidence? + +_Mel._ These bills, and these gorgeous jewels, not to be had in her menial +state, but at the price of chastity.--Not an hour since she sent them-- +impudently sent them--by a servant of this house--contagious infamy +started from their touch. + +_Eger._ Sir, perhaps you may be mistaken concerning the terms on which she +received them.--Do you but clear her conduct with Melville, and I will +instantly satisfy your fears concerning the jewels and her virtue. + +_Mel._ Sir, you give me new life: you are my better angel. I believe in +your words--your looks:--know then, I am that Melville. + +_Sir Per._ How, sir! you that Melville, that was at farmer Hodges's? + +_Mel._ The same, sir: it was he brought my Constantia to my arms; lodged +and secreted me--once my lowly tenant--now my only friend. The fear of +inexorable creditors made me change my name from Harrington to Melville, +till I could see and consult some who once called themselves my friends. + +_Eger._ Sir, suspend your fears and anger but for a few minutes; I will +keep my word with you religiously, and bring your Constantia to your arms, +as virtuous, and as happy as you could wish her. [_Exit with Lady_ Mac. + +_Sir Per._ The clearing up of this wench's virtue is damned unlucky: I am +afraid it will ruin aw our affairs again:--However, I have one stroke +still in my head that will secure the bargain with my lord, let matters +gang as they will. [_Aside._] But I wonder, Maister Melville, that you did +nai pick up some little matter of siller in the Indies; ah! there have +been bonny fortunes snapt up there, of late years, by some of the military +blades. + +_Mel._ It is very true, sir: but it is an observation among soldiers, that +there are some men who never meet with any thing in the service but blows +and ill fortune.--I was one of those, even to a proverb. + +_Sir Per._ Ah! 'tis pity, sir, a great pity now, that you did nai get a +Mogul, or some sic an animal, intill your clutches. Ah! I should like to +have the strangling of a Nabob, the rummaging of his gold dust, his jewel +closet, and aw his magazines of bars and ingots. Ha, ha, ha!--guid traith +naw, sic an a fellow would be a bonny cheeld to bring till this town, and +to exhibit him riding on an elephant: upon honour, a man might raise a +poll-tax by him, that would gang near to pay the debts of the nation. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, CONSTANTIA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Eger._ Sir, I promised to satisfy your fears concerning your daughter's +virtue; and my best proof to you, and all the world, that I think her not +only the most chaste, but the most deserving of her sex, is, that I have +made her the partner of my heart, and the tender guardian of my earthly +happiness for life. + +_Sir Per._ How! married! + +_Eger._ I know, sir, at present we shall meet your anger; but time, +reflection, and our dutiful conduct, we hope, will reconcile you to our +happiness. + +_Sir Per._ Never, never--and could I make you, her, and aw your issue, +beggars, I would move hell, heaven, and earth, to do it. + +_Lord Lum._ Why, Sir Pertinax, this is a total revolution, and will +entirely ruin my affairs. + +_Sir Per._ My lord, with the consent of your lordship, and Lady Rodolpha, +I have an expedient to offer, that will not only punish that rebellious +villain, but answer every end that your lordship and the lady proposed by +the intended match with him. + +_Lord Lum._ I doubt it much, Sir Pertinax--I doubt it much:--But what is +it, sir?--What is your expedient? + +_Sir Per._ My lord, I have another son, and, provided the lady and your +lordship have nai objection till him, every article of that rebel's +intended marriage shall be amply fulfilled upon Lady Rodolpha's union with +my younger son. + +_Lord Lum._ Why that is an expedient indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But what say +you, Rodolpha? + +_Lady Rod._ Nay, nay, my lord, as I had nai reason to have the least +affection till my cousin Egerton, and as my intended marriage with him was +entirely an act of obedience till my grandmother, provided my cousin Sandy +will be as agreeable till her ladyship as my cousin Charles here wou'd +have been,--I have nai the least objection till the change. Ay, ay! one +brother is as guid till Rodolpha as another. + +_Sir Per._ I'll answer, madam, for your grandmother.--Now, my lord, what +say you? + +_Lord Lum._ Nay, Sir Pertinax, so the agreement stands, all is right +again. Come, child, let us begone.--Ay, ay, so my affairs are made easy, +it is equal to me whom she marries.--I say, Sir Pertinax, let them be but +easy, and rat me, if I care if she concorporates with the Cham of Tartary. +[_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ As to you, my Lady Macsycophant, I suppose you concluded, +before you gave your consent till this match, that there wou'd be an end +of aw intercourse betwixt you and me.--Live with your Constantia, madam, +your son, and that black sheep there.--Live with them.--You shall have a +jointure, but not a bawbee besides, living or dead, shall you, or any of +your issue, ever see of mine;--and so, my vengeance light upon you aw +together. [_Exit._ + +_Lady Rod._ Weel, cousin Egerton, in spite of the ambitious frenzy of your +father, and the thoughtless dissipation of mine, Don Cupid has at last +carried his point in favour of his devotees.--But I must now take my +leave.--Lady Macsycophant, your most obedient.--Maister Sidney, yours.-- +Permit me, Constantia, to have the honour of congratulating myself on our +alliance. + +_Con._ Madam, I shall ever study to deserve and to return this kindness. + +_Lady Rod._ I am sure you will.--But ah!--I neglect my poor Sandy aw this +while! and, guid traith, mine ain heart begins to tell me what his feels, +and chides me for tarrying so long.--I will therefore fly till him on the +wings of love and guid news;--for I am sure the poor lad is pining with +the pip of expectation and anxious jeopardy. And so, guid folks, I will +leave you with the fag end of an auld North-Country wish:--'May mutual +love and guid humour be the guests of your hearts, the theme of your +tongues, and the blithsome subjects of aw your tricksey dreams through the +rugged road of this deceitful world; and may our fathers be an example +till ourselves to treat our bairns better than they have treated us.' +[_Exit._ + +_Eger._ You seem melancholy, sir. + +_Mel._ These precarious turns of fortune, sir, will press upon the +heart,--for, notwithstanding my Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers-- +I own I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misfortunes should be the +cause of any disagreement between a father, and the man to whom I am under +the most endearing obligations. + +_Eger._ You have no share in his disagreement; for had not you been born, +from my father's nature, some other cause of his resentment must have +happened.--But for a time at least, sir, and, I hope, for life, affliction +and angry vicissitudes have taken their leaves of us all.--If affluence +can procure content and ease, they are within our reach.--My fortune is +ample, and shall be dedicated to the happiness of this domestic circle.-- + + _My scheme, tho' mock'd by knave, coquet, and fool, + To thinking minds will prove this golden rule; + In all pursuits, but chiefly in a wife, + Not wealth, but morals, make the happy life._ + + +FINIS. + + + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +E.N. HOOKER +University of California, Los Angeles + +R.C. BOYS +University of Michigan + +JOHN LOFTIS +University of California, Los Angeles + +The society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. + +Publications for the fifth year [1950-1951] +(_At least six items, most of them from the following list, will be +reprinted_.) + +FRANCES REYNOLDS (?): _An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Taste, and +of the Origin of Our Ideas of Beauty_, &_c._ (1785). Introduction by James +L. Clifford. + +THOMAS BAKER: _The Fine Lady's Airs_ (1709). Introduction by John +Harrington Smith. + +DANIEL DEFOE: _Vindication of the Press_ (1718). Introduction by Otho +Clinton Williams. + +JOHN EVELYN: _An Apologie for the Royal Party_ (1659); _A Panegyric to +Charles the Second_ (1661). Introduction by Geoffrey Keynes. + +CHARLES MACKLIN: _Man of the World_ (1781). Introduction by Dougald +MacMillan. + +_Prefaces to Fiction_. Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT: _Poems_. + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY: _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY: _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). (Facsimile +of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem). + + * * * * * + +To The Augustan Reprint Society +_William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ +_2205 West Adams Boulevard_ +_Los Angeles 18, California_ + +_Subscriber's Name and Address_: +_____________________________________ +_____________________________________ +_____________________________________ + +_As_ MEMBERSHIP FEE _I enclose for the years marked_: + +The current year $2.50 +The current & the 4th year 5.00 +The current, 3rd, & 4th year 7.50 +The current, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 +The current, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 +(_Publications No. 3 & 4 are out of print_) + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + +NOTE: _All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing +and mailing._ + + + + + PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +First Year (1946-1947) + +1. Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's-Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams,_ translated by J.V. Cunningham. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Man Of The World (1792), by Charles Macklin + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14463 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..adf399e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14463 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14463) diff --git a/old/14463-8.txt b/old/14463-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4d4866 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14463-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3735 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Man Of The World (1792), by Charles Macklin + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Of The World (1792) + +Author: Charles Macklin + +Release Date: December 25, 2004 [EBook #14463] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MAN OF THE WORLD (1792) *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Charles Macklin +THE MAN OF THE WORLD +(1792) + +With an Introduction by +Dougald MacMillan + + +Publication Number 26 + +Los Angeles +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1951 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +During his extraordinarily long career as an actor, Charles Macklin wrote +several plays. The earliest is _King Henry VII; or, The Popish Imposter_, +a tragedy based on the Perkin Warbeck story, performed at Drury Lane 18 +January 1745/6 and published the same year. As the Preface states, it "was +design'd as a Kind of Mirror to the present Rebellion"; and it provided +the author with a part in which he could express, through the character of +Lord Huntley, his own aversion to foreign influences in the land, to +"_French_ and Priest-rid Weakness" and "Romish Tyranny." This and his +succeeding plays were obviously composed to provide parts for himself; so +no others were published until he had retired. They were his stock in +trade, since Macklin seldom maintained a stable connection with one of the +theatres. Instead he appeared now here now there for brief engagements or +on special occasions, rather than as a regular member of the company, +often carrying his plays with him. Thus a number have survived only in +manuscript. The Larpent Collection contains seven,--the tragedy just +mentioned, four farces, and two five-act comedies, one of these in three +states.[1] This is _The Man of the World_ here reproduced for the first +time in over a century and a half, despite the opinion expressed by Isaac +Reed, in 1782, that "This play, ... in respect to originality, force of +mind, and well-adapted satire, may dispute the palm with any dramatic +piece that has appeared within the compass of half a century...."[2] +Originally it had been performed in Dublin in 1764 under the title _The +True-born Scotchman_, but in 1770 the Examiner of Plays in London refused +to license it. It was re-submitted in 1779 and again forbidden, but was +finally allowed and performed at Covent Garden on 10 May 1781, with the +author in the part of Sir Pertinax Macsycophant. + +Himself irascible and passionate, Macklin had been the most admired +Shylock of his century. His specialty was the performance of character +parts, often dialect roles, either broadly comic or cruel and ironic. The +central figure of this, his best comedy, is such a part. It combines those +features that the author could portray so effectively, the broad dialect, +the callous selfishness, the hypocrisy, the passionate resistance to all +appeals to sentiment and the imperviousness to affection. One can detect +in the creation strong resemblances to Macklin's interpretation of +Shylock, something of Sir Giles Overreach, who was also known to +eighteenth-century play-goers, and possibly of Tartuffe. In his resolute +defiance of the conventions of comedy of sensibility, Macklin resisted the +pressure to allow Sir Pertinax to soften in the end and terminate the play +on a note of happy reconciliation and family harmony. + +In thus preserving the toughness of Sir Pertinax consistently to the end, +Macklin remained true to the tradition of critical, satiric comedy that he +had been bred in but that by this time had almost disappeared. Protesting +against the refusal of a license for his play, in 1779, Macklin composed a +defense of satiric comedy. He insists upon the reformatory function of +comedy and upon the satiric method of performing this task. "The business +of the Stage," he says, "is to correct vice, and laugh at folly ... This +piece is in support of virtue, morality, decency, and the Laws of the +Land: it satirizes both public and private venality, and reprobates +inordinate passions and tyrannical conduct in a parent ... Now, with +regard to my comedy is it not just and salutary that the subtilty [_sic_], +pride, insolence, cunning, and the thorough-paced villany [_sic_] of a +backbiting Scotchman should be ridiculed? What a wretched state the Comic +Muse and the Stage would be reduced to, were the prohibition of laughing +at the corruption and other vices of the age to prevail!"[3] True the +Comic +Muse, long sick, as Garrick said in his prologue to _She Stoops to +Conquer_, had almost died, though farces had done something to sustain +her. Fielding's and Garrick's little satires had largely avoided +sentiment; and the personal, often gross farces of Foote had continued to +use ridicule. But even these lack the forceful pertinacity of Macklin's +denunciation of hypocrisy and vice. It is perhaps too bad that he fell so +far into caricature in the portraits of Lord Lumbercourt and his daughter, +that the main love stories do smack of sensibility, and that he turned his +hero into a mouthpiece for the opposition to the Tory ministries of the +early years of George III. And it is perhaps true that all the characters, +including Sir Pertinax, are more true to the theatre than to the actual +life of the last quarter of the eighteenth century. Still, Sir Pertinax is +vigorous, and the author's position is unmistakable. + +The earliest portion of _The Man of the World_ in the Larpent Collection +is a passage in the fourth act of _The School for Husbands_, performed at +Covent Garden as _The Married Libertine_ on 28 January 1761, twenty years +before _The Man of the World_ was finally presented in London. Elsewhere I +have compared the three complete versions submitted to the Examiner and +have shown why the Lord Chamberlain could not permit it to be licensed.[4] + +_The Man of the World_ was first published in England, with Macklin's +farce _Love a la Mode_, by subscription, in a handsome quarto. Facing the +title-page is a portrait of the author, "in his 93.^d Year," engraved by +John Condé after Opie, for which the trustees of the fund paid 25 guineas. +Preceding the text of the play are the list of subscribers, which contains +many eminent names, an "Advertisement from the Editor," explaining the +occasion and method of publication and giving an account of the handling +of the fund by the trustees, and a dedication to Lord Camden, dated 10 +December 1792, and signed by Macklin, though one rather suspects that +Arthur Murphy had a hand in its composition. These pieces of front matter +have been omitted from the present reproduction as containing nothing +material to the reading or interpretation of the play. The _Dramatis +Personae_ follow, and the text begins with signature B page 1, and runs to +signature K2^{V}. _Love a la Mode_, not reprinted here, then follows, +with separate title-page and pagination. + +Dougald MacMillan + +The University of North Carolina + + + Notes to the Introduction + +[Footnote 1: See _Catalogue of the Larpent Plays in the Huntington +Library_ (1939), Nos. 55, 58, 64, 96, 184, 274, 311, 500, 558.] + +[Footnote 2: _Biographia Dramatica_ (1812), III, 15.] + +[Footnote 3: Quoted by Edward Abbot Parry, _Charles Macklin_ (1891), p. +179.] + +[Footnote 4: See _The Huntington Library Bulletin_, No. 10 (October, +1936), pp. 79-101.] + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +A COMEDY. + + +BY + +MR. CHARLES MACKLIN. + + +AS PERFORMED AT THE + +_THEATRES-ROYAL, DRURY-LANE AND COVENT-GARDEN_. + + +_LONDON_: + + +PRINTED BY J. BELL, BOOKSELLER TO HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS +THE PRINCE OF WALES, +AT THE BRITISH LIBRARY, STRAND. + + +MDCCXCIII. + + + +[Illustration: CHARLES MACKLIN (COMEDIAN) _in his 93d. Year_. + +Printed for the Author by John Bell British Library London July 1792] + + + +_Dramatis Personæ_. + +COVENT-GARDEN. + + +Men. + +_SIR PERTINAX MACSYCOPHANT_, MR. WILSON. +_EGERTON_, MR. LEWIS. +_LORD LUMBERCOURT_ MR. THOMPSON. +_SIDNEY_, MR. AICKIN. +_MELVILLE_, MR. HULL. +_COUNSELLOR PLAUSIBLE_ MR. CUBITT. +_SERJEANT EITHERSIDE_, MR. MACREADY. +_SAM_, MR. LEDGER. +_JOHN_, MR. ROCK +_TOMLINS_, MR. EVATT. + + +Women + +_LADY MACSYCOPHANT_ MISS. PLATT. +_LADY RODOLPHA LUMBERCOURT_, MRS. POPE. +_CONSTANTIA_, MRS. MOUNTAIN. +_BETTY HINT_, MRS. ROCK. +_NANNY_, MRS. DEVERETT. + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +_ACT I. SCENE I_. + + _A Library_. _Enter_ BETTY _and_ SAM. + + +_Betty_. The Postman is at the gate, Sam; pray step and take in the +letters. + +_Sam_. John the gardener is gone for them, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. Bid John bring them to me, Sam: tell him I am here in the Library. + +_Sam_. I'll send him to your ladyship in a crack, madam. [_Exit_. + + + _Enter_ NANNY. + +_Nan_. Miss Constantia desires to speak to you, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. How is she now? any better, Nanny? + +_Nan_. Something; but very low spirited still. I verily believe it is as +you say. + +_Bet_. O! I would take my book oath of it. I can not be deceived in that +point, Nanny.--Ay, ay, her business is done, she is certainly breeding, +depend upon it. + +_Nan_. Why so the housekeeper thinks too. + +_Bet_. Nay, I know the father--the man that ruined her. + +_Nan_. The deuce you do? + +_Bet_. As sure as you are alive, Nanny;--or I am greatly deceived,--and +yet--I can't be deceived neither.--Was not that the cook that came +gallopping so hard over the common just now? + +_Nan_. The same:--how very hard he gallopped;---he has been but three +quarters of an hour, he says, coming from Hyde Park Corner. + +_Bet_. And what time will the family be down? + + +_Nan._ He has orders to have dinner ready by five; there are to be lawyers +and a great deal of company here--he fancies there is to be a private +wedding to night between our young Master Charles and Lord Lumbercourt's +Daughter, the Scotch lady, who he says is just come post from Bath in +order to be married to him. + +_Bet._ Ay, ay--Lady Rodolpha--nay, like enough--for I know it has been +talked of a good while;--well, go tell Miss Constantia that I will be with +her immediately. + +_Nan._ I shall, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Soh! I find they all believe the impertinent creature is +breeding--that's pure! it will soon reach my lady's ears, I warrant. + + + _Enter_ JOHN. + +Well, John, ever a letter for me? + +_John._ No, Mrs. Betty, but here is one for Miss Constantia. + +_Bet._ Give it me.--Hum!--my lady's hand. + +_John._ And here is one which the postman says is for my young master--but +it's a strange direction. [_reads._] '_To_ Charles Egerton, _Esq._' + +_Bet._ O! yes, yes,--that is for Master Charles, John:--for he has dropped +his father's name of Macsycophant, and has taken up that of Egerton--the +parliament has ordered it. + +_John._ The parliament!--pr'ythee, why so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet._ Why you must know, John, that my lady, his mother, was an Egerton +by her father:--she stole a match with our old master, for which all her +family on both sides have hated Sir Pertinax and the whole crew of the +Macsycophants ever since. + +_John._ Except Master Charles, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet._ O! they dote upon him, though he is a Macsycophant--he is the pride +of all my lady's family:--and so, John,--my lady's uncle, Sir Stanley +Egerton dying an old bachelor, and, as I said before, mortally hating our +old master, and all the crew of the Macsycophants, left his whole estate +to Master Charles, who was his godson,--but on condition that he should +drop his father's name of Macsycophant, and take up that of Egerton--and +that is the reason, John, why the parliament has made him change his name. + +_John._ I am glad that Master Charles has got the estate, however--for he +is a sweet tempered gentleman. + +_Bet._ As ever lived:--but come, John, as I know you love Miss Constantia, +and are fond of being where she is--I will make you happy;--you shall +carry her letter to her. + +_John._ Shall I, Mrs. Betty?--I am very much obliged to you.--Where is +she? + +_Bet._ In the housekeeper's room settling the dessert.--Give me Mr. +Egerton's letter, and I'll leave it on the table in his dressing room. I +see it's from his brother Sandy.--So,--now go and deliver your letter to +your sweetheart, John. + +_John._ That I will;--and I am much beholden to you for the favour of +letting me carry it to her:--for though she should never have me, yet I +shall always love her, and wish to be near her, she is so sweet a +creature.--Your servant, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Your servant, John. Ha, ha, ha! poor fellow! he perfectly dotes on +her--and daily follows her about with nosegays and fruit and the first of +every thing in the season.--Ay, and my young Master Charles too is in as +bad a way as the gardener:--in short--every body loves her,--and that's +one reason why I hate her.--For my part, I wonder what the deuce the men +see in her--a creature that was taken in for charity.--I am sure she's not +so handsome.--I wish she was out of the family once:--if she was, I might +then stand a chance of being my lady's favourite myself;--ay, and perhaps +of getting one of my young masters for a sweetheart,--or at least the +chaplain: but as to him, there would be no such great catch if I should +get him. I will try for him however,--and my first step shall be to tell +the doctor all I have discovered about Constantia's intrigues with her +spark at Hadley.--Yes,--that will do,--for the doctor loves to talk with +me,--loves to hear _me_ talk too,--and I verily believe--he, he, he!--that +he has a sneaking kindness for me,--and this story will make him have a +good opinion of my honesty,--and that, I am sure, will be one step +towards----O! bless me,--here he comes,--and my young master with him.-- +I'll watch an opportunity to speak to him as soon as he is alone,--for I +will blow her up I am resolved,--as great a favourite and as cunning as +she is. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ EGERTON _in great warmth and emotion_; + SIDNEY _following, as in conversation_. + +_Sid_. Nay, dear Charles, but why are you so impetuous?--why do you break +from me so abruptly? + +_Eger. [With great warmth_.] I have done, sir,--you have refused.--I have +nothing more to say upon the subject.--I am satisfied. + +_Sid. [With a glow of tender friendship_.] Come, come--correct this +warmth,--it is the only weak ingredient in your nature, and you ought to +watch it carefully. If I am wrong,--I will submit without reserve;--but +consider the nature of your request--and how it would affect me:--from +your earliest youth, your father has honoured me with the care of your +education, and the general conduct of your mind; and, however singular and +morose his temper may be to others,--to me--he has ever been respectful +and liberal.--I am now under his roof too,--and because I will not abet an +unwarrantable passion by an abuse of my sacred character, in marrying you +beneath your rank,--and in direct opposition to your father's hopes and +happiness,--you blame me--you angrily break from me--and call me unkind. + +_Eger. [With tenderness and conviction_.] Dear Sidney,--for my warmth I +stand condemned: but for my marriage with Constantia, I think I can +justify it upon every principle of filial duty,--honour,--and worldly +prudence. + +_Sid_. Only make that appear, Charles, and you know you may command me. + +_Eger. [With great filial regret_.] I am sensible how unseemly it appears +in a son to descant on the unamiable passions of a parent;--but, as we are +alone, and friends,--I cannot help observing in my own defence,--that when +a father will not allow the use of reason to any of his family--when his +pursuit of greatness makes him a slave abroad--only to be a tyrant at +home,--when a narrow partiality to Scotland, on every trivial occasion, +provokes him to enmity even with his wife and children, only because they +dare give a national preference where they think it most justly due;--and +when, merely to gratify his own ambition, he would marry his son into a +family he detests,--[_great warmth_.] sure, Sidney, a son thus +circumstanced (from the dignity of human reason and the feelings of a +loving heart) has a right--not only to protest against the blindness of a +parent, but to pursue those measures that virtue and happiness point out. + +_Sid_. The violent temper of Sir Pertinax, I own, cannot be defended on +many occasions, but still--your intended alliance with Lord Lumbercourt-- + +_Eger_. [_With great impatience._] O! contemptible!--a trifling, quaint, +haughty, voluptuous, servile tool,--the mere lackey of party and +corruption; who, for the prostitution of near thirty years and the ruin of +a noble fortune, has had the despicable satisfaction, and the infamous +honour--of being kicked up and kicked down--kicked in and kicked out,-- +just as the insolence, compassion, or convenience of leaders +predominated:--and now--being forsaken by all parties, his whole political +consequence amounts to the power of franking a letter, and the right +honourable privilege of not paying a tradesman's bill. + +_Sid_. Well, but, dear Charles, you are not to wed my lord,--but his +daughter. + +_Eger_. Who is as disagreeable to me for a companion, as her father for a +friend, or an ally. + +_Sid_. What--her Scotch accent, I suppose, offends you? + +_Eger_. No, upon my honour--not in the least,--I think it entertaining in +her;--but were it otherwise--in decency--and indeed in national affection +(being a Scotchman myself), I can have no objection to her on that +account,--besides, she is my near relation. + +_Sid_. So I understand. But pray, Charles, how came Lady Rodolpha, who, I +find, was born in England, to be bred in Scotland? + +_Eger_. From the dotage of an old, formal, obstinate, stiff, rich, Scotch +grandmother, who, upon a promise of leaving this grandchild all her +fortune, would have the girl sent to her to Scotland, when she was but a +year old, and there has she been ever since, bred up with this old lady in +all the vanity and unlimited indulgence that fondness and admiration could +bestow on a spoiled child--a fancied beauty and a pretended wit. + +_Sid_. O! you are too severe upon her. + +_Eger_. I do not think so, Sidney; for she seems a being expressly +fashioned by nature to figure in these days of levity and dissipation:-- +her spirits are inexhaustible: her parts strong and lively; with a +sagacity that discerns, and a talent not unhappy in painting out the weak +side of whatever comes before her:--but what raises her merit to the +highest pitch in the laughing world is her boundless vanity and spirits in +the exertion of those talents, which often render her much more ridiculous +than the most whimsical of the characters she exposes--[_in a tone of +friendly affection._] and is _this_ a woman fit to make _my_ happiness?-- +_this_ the partner that Sidney would recommend to me for life?--to _you_, +who best know me, I appeal. + +_Sid_. Why, Charles, it is a delicate point,--unfit for _me_ to +determine--besides, your father has set his heart upon the match. + +_Eger_. [_Impatiently._] All that I know:--but still I ask and insist upon +your candid judgment,--is she the kind of woman that you think could +possibly contribute to my happiness? I beg you will give me an explicit +answer. + +_Sid_. The subject is disagreeable;--but, since I must speak,--I do not +think she is. + +_Eger_. [_a start of friendly rapture._] I know you do not; and I am sure +you never will advise the match. + +_Sid_. I never did. I never will. + +_Eger_. [_With a start of joy._] You make me happy,--which I assure you I +never could be with your judgment against me in this point. + +_Sid_. And yet, Charles, give me leave to observe, that Lady Rodolpha, +with all her ridiculous and laughing vanity, has a goodness of heart, and +a kind of vivacity that not only entertains,--but upon seeing her two or +three times, she improves upon you; and when her torrent of spirits +abates, and she condescends to converse gravely--you really like her. + +_Eger_. Why ay! she is sprightly, good humoured, and, though whimsical, +and often too high in her colouring of characters, and in the trifling +business of the idle world,--yet I think she has principles, and a good +heart,--[_with a glow of conjugal tenderness._] but in a partner for life, +Sidney, (you know your own precept, and your own judgment)--affection, +capricious in its nature, must have something even in the external +manners,--nay in the very mode, not only of beauty, but of virtue itself-- +which both heart and judgment must approve, or our happiness in that +delicate point cannot be lasting. + +_Sid_. I grant it. + +_Eger_. And that mode,--that amiable essential I never can meet--but in +Constantia. You sigh. + +_Sid_. No. I only wish that Constantia had a fortune equal to yours. But +pray, Charles, suppose I had been so indiscreet as to have agreed to marry +you to Constantia--would _she_ have consented, think you? + +_Eger_. That I cannot say positively,--but I suppose so. + +_Sid_. Did you never speak to her upon that subject then? + +_Eger_. In general terms only;--never directly requested her consent in +form,--[_he starts into a warmth of amorous resolution._] but I will this +very moment--for I have no asylum from my father's arbitrary design, but +my Constantia's arms.--Pray do not stir from hence:--I will return +instantly. I know she will submit to your advice--and I am sure you will +persuade her to my wish, as my life, my peace, my earthly happiness, +depend on my Constantia. [_Exit._ + +_Sid_. Poor Charles! he little dreams that I love Constantia too,--but +to what degree I knew not myself, till he importuned me to join their +hands.--Yes--I love--but must not be a rival; for he is dear to me as +fraternal affinity:--my benefactor--my friend--and that name is sacred:-- +it is our better self; and ever ought to be preferred;--for the man who +gratifies his passions at the expence of his friend's happiness, wants but +a head to contrive--for he has a heart capable of the blackest vice. + + _Enter_ BETTY, _running up to_ Sidney. + +_Bet_. I beg pardon for my intrusion, sir. I hope, sir, I do not disturb +your reverence! + +_Sid_. Not in the least, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. I humbly beg you will excuse me, sir:--but I wanted to break my +mind to your honour--about a scruple that lies upon my conscience:--and +indeed I should not have presumed to trouble you, sir, but that I know you +are my young master's friend,--and my old master's friend,--and indeed--a +friend to the whole family: [_runs up to him and curtsies very low._] for +to give you your due, sir, you are as good a preacher as ever went into a +pulpit. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! do you think so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. Ay, in truth do I; and as good a gentleman too as ever came into a +family, and one that never gives a servant a bad word, nor that does any +one an ill turn neither behind their back, nor before their face. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! why you are a mighty well spoken woman, Mrs. Betty, and +I am mightily beholden to you for your good character of me. + +_Bet_. Indeed, sir, it is no more than you deserve, and what all the world +and all the servants say of you. + +_Sid_. I am much obliged to them, Mrs. Betty.--But pray what are your +commands with me? + +_Bet_. Why, I'll tell you, sir:--to be sure I am but a servant, as a body +may say--and every tub should stand upon its own bottom;--but--[_she takes +hold of him familiarly, looks first about cautiously, and speaks in a +low familiar tone of great secrecy._] my young master is now in the china +room in close conference with Miss Constantia;--I know what they are +about--but that is no business of mine--and therefore I made bold to +listen a little--because you know, sir, one would be sure--before one took +away any body's reputation. + +_Sid_. Very true, Mrs. Betty,--very true indeed. + +_Bet_. O! heavens forbid that I should take away any young woman's good +name--unless I had a good reason for it; but, sir, [_with great +solemnity._] if I am in this place alive, as I listened, with my ear close +to the door,--I heard my young master ask Miss Constantia the plain +marriage question--upon which I started--and trembled--nay my very +conscience stirred within me so,--that I could not help peeping through +the key-hole. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! and so your conscience made you peep through the +key-hole, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. It did indeed, sir:--and there I saw my young master upon his +knees--lord bless us--and what do you think he was doing?--kissing her +hand as if he would eat it--and protesting--and assuring her--he knew that +you, sir, would consent to the match--and then the tears ran down her +cheeks as fast-- + +_Sid._ Ay! + +_Bet._ They did indeed. I would not tell your reverence a lie for the +world. + +_Sid_. I believe it, Mrs. Betty--and what did Constantia say to all this? + +_Bet_. O!--O! she is sly enough; she looks as if butter would not melt in +her mouth; but all is not gold that glitters; smooth water, you know, sir, +runs deepest:--I am sorry my young master makes such a fool of himself-- +but--um!--take my word for it, he is not the man,--for though she looks as +modest as a maid at a christening--[_hesitating._] yet--ah!--when +sweethearts meet--in the dusk of the evening--and stay together a whole +hour--in the dark grove--and embrace--and kiss--and weep at parting,--why +then you know, sir, it is easy to guess all the rest. + +_Sid._ Why did Constantia meet any body in this manner? + +_Bet._ [_Starting with surprise_.] O! heavens!--I beg, sir, you will not +misapprehend me; for I assure you I do not believe they did any harm--that +is, not in the grove--at least, not when I was there;--and she may be +honestly married for aught I know.--O! lud! sir,--I would not say an ill +thing of Miss Constantia for the world,--for to be sure she is a good +creature:--'tis true, my lady took her in for charity, and indeed has bred +her up to the music and figures;--ay, and reading all the books about +Homer--and Paradise--and Gods and Devils,--and every thing in the world,-- +as if she had been a dutchess: but some people are born with luck in their +mouths, and then--as the saying is--you may throw them into the sea-- +[_deports herself most affedtedly._] but--if I had had dancing masters-- +and music masters--and French Mounseers to teach me--I believe I might +have read the globes, and the maps,--and have danced,--and have been as +clever as other folks. + +_Sid._ Ha, ha, ha! no doubt on it, Mrs. Betty;--but you mentioned +something of a dark walk,--kissing,--a sweetheart and Constantia. + +_Bet._ [_Starts into a cautious hypocrisy_.] O! lud! sir--I don't know any +thing of the matter: she may be very honest for aught I know: I only say, +that they did meet in the dark walk,--and all the servants observe that +Miss Constantia wears her stays very loose--looks very pale--is sick in a +morning, and after dinner: and, as sure as my name is Betty Hint, +something has happened that I won't name,--but--nine months hence--a +certain person in this family may ask me to stand godmother, for I think I +know what's what, when I see it as well as another. + +_Sid_. No doubt you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Cries, turns up her eyes, and acts a most friendly hypocrisy_.] I +do, indeed, sir. I am very sorry for Miss Constantia. I never thought she +would have taken such courses--for in truth I love her as if she was my +own sister; and though all the servants say that she is breeding--yet, for +my part, I don't believe it; but--one must speak according to one's +conscience, you know, sir. + +_Sid_. O! I see you do. + +_Bet_. [_Going and returning_.] I do indeed, sir: and so your servant, +sir--but--I hope your worship won't mention my name in this business;--or +that you had any _item_ from me. + +_Sid_. I shall not, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. For, indeed, sir, I am no busybody, nor do I love fending nor +proving; and, I assure you, sir, I hate all tittling and tattling, and +gossiping and backbiting, and taking away a person's good name. + +_Sid_. I observe you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Set_. I do indeed, sir. I am the farthest from it in the world. + +_Sid_. I dare say you are. + +_Bet_. I am indeed, sir, and so your humble servant. + +_Sid_. Your servant, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Aside, in great exultation_.] So! I see he believes every word I +say,--that's charming. I'll do her business for her I am resolved. +[_Exit._ + +_Sid_. What can this ridiculous creature mean by her dark walk,--her +private spark, her kissing, and all her slanderous insinuations against +Constantia, whose conduct is as unblamable as innocence itself? I see envy +is as malignant in a paltry waiting wench, as in the vainest or most +ambitious lady of the court.--It is always an infallible mark of the +basest nature; and merit in the lowest, as well as in the highest station, +must feel the shaft of envy's constant agents--falsehood and slander. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, Mr. Egerton and Miss Constantia desire to speak with you in +the china room. + +_Sid_. Very well, Sam. [_Exit_ Sam.] I will not see them.--What is to be +done? inform his father of his intended marriage,--no--that must not be;-- +for the overbearing nature and ambitious policy of Sir Pertinax would +exceed all bounds of moderation; for he is of a sharp, shrewd, unforgiving +nature.--He has banished one son already, only for daring to differ from +his judgment concerning the merits of a Scotch and an English historian.-- +But this young man must not marry Constantia.--Would his mother were here! +She, I suppose, knows nothing of his indiscretion:--but she shall, the +moment she comes hither. I know it will offend him; no matter: it is our +duty to offend,--when that offence saves the man we love from a +precipitate action, which the world must condemn, and his own heart, +perhaps, upon reflection, for ever repent: yes,--I must discharge the duty +of my function, and of a friend,--though I am sure to lose the man, whom I +intend to serve. [_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FIRST ACT. + + + + +_ACT II. SCENE I_. + + + _Enter_ CONSTANTIA _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Con_. Mr. Sidney is not here, sir. + +_Eger_. I assure you I left him, and begged he would stay till I returned. + +_Con_. His prudence, you see, sir, has made him retire; therefore we had +better defer the subject till he is present; in the mean time, sir, I hope +you will permit me to mention an affair that has greatly alarmed and +perplexed me: I suppose you guess what it is. + +_Eger_. I do not, upon my word. + +_Con_. That is a little strange.--You know, sir, that you and Mr. Sidney +did me the honour of breakfasting with me this morning in my little study. + +_Eger_. We had that happiness, madam. + +_Con_. Just after you left me, upon opening my book of accompts, which lay +in the drawer of the reading desk, to my great surprise, I there found +this case of jewels, containing a most elegant pair of ear-rings, a +necklace of great value, and two bank bills in this pocket book, the +mystery of which, sir, I presume you can explain. + +_Eger_. I can. + +_Con_. They were of your conveying then? + +_Eger_. They were, madam. + +_Con_. I assure you they startled and alarmed me. + +_Eger_. I hope it was a kind alarm;--such as blushing virtue feels, when, +with her hand, she gives her heart and last consent. + +_Con_. It was not indeed, sir. + +_Eger_. Do not say so, Constantia: come--be kind at once;--my peace and +worldly bliss depend upon this moment. + +_Con_. What would you have me do? + +_Eger_. What love and virtue dictate. + +_Con_. O! sir, experience but too severely proves, that such unequal +matches as ours, never produce aught but contempt and anger in parents, +censure from the world, and a long train of sorrow and repentance in the +wretched parties,--which is but too often entailed upon their hapless +issue. + +_Eger_. But that, Constantia, can not be our case: my fortune is +independent and ample,--equal to luxury and splendid folly. I have a right +to choose the partner of my heart, + +_Con_. But I have not, sir.--I am a dependant on my lady,--a poor, +forsaken, helpless orphan--your benevolent mother found me--took me to her +bosom--and there supplied my parental loss--with every tender care-- +indulgent dalliance, and with all the sweet persuasion that maternal +fondness, religious precept, polished manners, and hourly example could +administer--she fostered me: [_weeps._] and shall I now turn viper,--and +with black ingratitude sting the tender heart that thus hath cherished me? +shall I seduce her house's heir, and kill her peace?--No--though I loved +to the mad extreme of female fondness; though every worldly bliss that +woman's vanity or man's ambition could desire, followed the indulgence of +my love--and all the contempt and misery of this life, the denial of that +indulgence--I would discharge my duty to my benefactress--my earthly +guardian, my more than parent. + +_Eger_. My dear Constantia, your prudence, your gratitude, and the cruel +virtue of your self-denial, do but increase my love, my admiration, and my +misery. + +_Con_. Sir, I must beg you will give me leave to return these bills and +jewels. + +_Eger_. Pray do not mention them:--sure my kindness and esteem may be +indulged so far without suspicion or reproach.--I beg you will accept of +them,--nay--I insist. + +_Con_. I have done, sir: my station here is to obey.--I know, sir, they +are gifts of a virtuous mind--and mine shall convert them to the +tenderest, and most grateful use. + +_Eger_. Hark! I hear a coach:--it is my father.--Dear girl, retire and +compose yourself.--I will send Sidney and my lady to you, and by their +judgment we will be directed: will that satisfy you? + +_Con_. I can have no will but my lady's.--With your leave I will retire; I +would not see her in this confusion. + +_Eger_. Dear girl, adieu! and think of love, of happiness, and the man who +never can be blest without you. [_Exit_ Constantia. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir Pertinax and my lady are come, sir,--and my lady desires to +speak with you in her own room:--oh! here she is, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +_Lady Mac_. [_In great confusion and distress._] Dear child, I am glad to +see you: why did you not come to town yesterday to attend the levee? your +father is incensed to the uttermost at your not being there. + +_Eger_. [_With great warmth._] Madam, it is with extreme regret I tell +you, that I can no longer be a slave to his temper, his politics, and his +scheme of marrying me to this woman,--therefore you had better consent at +once to my going out of the kingdom, and my taking Constantia with me, for +without her I never can be happy. + +_Lady Mac_. As you regard my peace, or your own character, I beg you will +not be guilty of so rash a step.--You promised me you never would marry +her without my consent.--I will open it to your father.--Pray, dear +Charles, be ruled:--let me prevail. + + _Sir_ PERTINAX. [_Without, in great anger._] + +_Sir Per_. Sir, wull ye do as ye are bid--and haud your gab, you rascal.-- +You are so full of gab, you scoundrel.--Take the chesnut gelding, I say, +and return to town directly, and see what is become of my Lord +Lumbercourt. + +_Lady Mac_. Here he comes.--I will get out of his way.--But I beg, +Charles, while he is in this ill humour that you will not oppose him, let +him say what he will--when his passion is a little cool, I will return, +and try to bring him to reason: but do not thwart him. + +_Eger_. Madam, I will not. [_Exit_ Lady Mac. + +_Sir Per_. [_Witbout._] Here, you Tomlins, where is my son Egerton? + +_Tom_. [_Without._] In the library, sir. + +_Sir Per_. [_Without._] As soon as the lawyers come, be sure bring me +word, [_Enters with great haughtiness, and in anger_. EGERTON _bows two or +three times most submissively low._] Weel, sir!--vary weel!--vary weel!-- +are nat ye a fine spark? are nat ye a fine spark, I say?--ah! you are a-- +so you wou'd not come up till the levee? + +_Eger_. Sir, I beg your pardon--but--I was not very well; besides I +did not think my presence there was necessary. + +_Sir Per_. [_Snapping him up._] Sir, it was necessary--I tauld you it was +necessary--and, sir, I must now tell you, that the whole tenor of your +conduct is most offensive. + +_Eger_. I am sorry you think so, sir; I am sure I do not intend to offend +you. + +_Sir Per_. I care not what you intend.--Sir, I tell you, you do offend. +What is the meaning of this conduct, sir? neglect the levee!--'sdeath, +sir, you--what is your reason, I say, for thus neglecting the levee, and +disobeying my commands? + +_Eger_. [_With a stifled, filial resentment._] Sir, I am not used to +levees: nor do I know how to dispose of myself,--nor what to say, or do, +in such a situation. + +_Sir Per_. [_With a proud, angry resentment._] Zounds! sir, do you nat see +what others do? gentle and simple,--temporal and spiritual,--lords, +members, judges, generals, and bishops,--aw crowding, bustling, and +pushing foremost intill the middle of the circle, and there waiting, +watching, and striving to catch a look or a smile fra the great mon,-- +which they meet--wi' an amicable reesibility of aspect--a modest cadence +of body, and a conciliating co-operation of the whole mon,--which +expresses an officious promptitude for his service--and indicates, that +they luock upon themselves as the suppliant appendages of his power, and +the enlisted Swiss of his poleetical fortune;--this, sir, is what you +ought to do,--and this, sir, is what I never once omitted for these five +and thraty years,--let who would be minister. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] Contemptible! + +_Sir Per_. What is that you mutter, sir? + +_Eger_. Only a slight reflection, sir, not relative to you. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, your absenting yourself fra the levee at this juncture is +suspeecious; it is looked upon as a kind of disaffection,--and aw your +countrymen are highly offended at your conduct,----for, sir, they do not +look upon you as a friend or a well-wisher either to Scotland or +Scotchmen. + +_Eger_. [_With a quick warmth._] Then, sir, they wrong me, I assure you,-- +but pray, sir, in what particular can I be charged--either with coldness +or offence to my country? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, ever since your mother's uncle, Sir Stanly Egerton, +left you this three thousand pounds a year, and that you have, in +compliance with his will, taken up the name of Egerton, they think you are +grown proud;--that you have estranged yourself fra the Macsycophants--have +associated with your mother's family--with the opposeetion, and with those +who do not wish well till Scotland;----besides, sir, the other day, in a +conversation at dinner at your cousin Campbel M'Kenzie's, before a whole +table-full of your ain relations, did not you publicly wish a total +extinguishment of aw party, and of aw national distinctions whatever, +relative to the three kingdoms?--[_With great anger._] And you blockhead-- +was that a prudent wish before so many of your ain countrymen?--or was it +a filial language to hold before me? + +_Eger_. Sir, with your pardon, I cannot think it unfilial or imprudent. +[_With a most patriotic warmth._] I own I do wish--most ardently wish for +a total extinction of all party: particularly--that those of English, +Irish, and Scotch might never more be brought into contest or competition, +unless, like loving brothers, in generous emulation, for one common cause. + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! do you persist? what!--would you banish aw party, and +aw distinction between English, Irish, and your ain countrymen? + +_Eger_. [_With great dignity of spirit._] I would, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then damn you, sir,--you are nai true Scot.--Ay, sir, you may +look as angry as you will,--but again I say--you are nai true Scot. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir, I think he is the true Scot, and the true +citizen, who wishes equal justice to the merit and demerit of every +subject of Great Britain; amongst whom I know but of two distinctions. + +_Sir Per_. Weel sir, and what are those? what are those? + +_Eger_. The knave and the honest man. + +_Sir Per_. Pshaw! rideeculous. + +_Eger_. And he, who makes any other--let him be of the North, or of the +South--of the East, or of the West--in place, or out of place--is an enemy +to the whole, and to the virtues of humanity. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, sir, this is your brother's impudent doctrine--for the +which, I have banished him for ever fra my presence, my heart, and my +fortune.--Sir, I will have no son of mine, because truly he has been +educated in an English seminary, presume, under the mask of candour, to +speak against his native land, or against my principles. + +_Eger_. I never did--nor do I intend it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I do not believe you--I do not believe you.--But, sir, I +know your connections and associates, and I know too, you have a saucy, +lurking prejudice against your ain country:--you hate it;--yes, your +mother, her family, and your brother, sir, have aw the same, dark, +disaffected rankling; and, by that and their politics together, they will +be the ruin of you--themselves--and of aw who connect with them.--However, +nai mair of that now;--I will talk at large to you about that anon.--In +the mean while, sir--notwithstanding your contempt of my advice, and your +disobedience till my commands, I will convince you of my paternal +attention till _your_ welfare, by my management of this voluptuary--this +Lord Lumbercourt,--whose daughter you are to marry. You ken, sir, that the +fellow has been my patron above these five and thraty years., + +_Eger_. True, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel.--And now, sir, you see, by his prodigality, he is +become my dependent; and accordingly I have made my bargain with him:--the +devil a baubee he has in the world but what comes thro' these clutches-- +for his whole estate, which has three implicit boroughs upon it,--mark--is +now in my custody at nurse;--the which estate, on my paying off his debts, +and allowing him a life rent of five thousand pounds per annum, is to be +made over till me for my life, and at my death is to descend till ye and +your issue.--The peerage of Lumbercourt, you ken, will follow of course.-- +So, sir, you see there are three impleecit boroughs, the whole patrimony +of Lumbercourt, and a peerage at one slap.--Why it is a stroke--a hit--a +hit.----Zounds! sir, a mon may live a century and not make sic an a hit +again. + +_Eger_. It is a very advantageous bargain indeed, sir:--but what will my +lord's family say to it? + +_Sir Per_. Why, mon, he cares not if his family were aw at the devil so +his luxury is but gratified:--only let him have his race-horse to feed his +vanity--his harridan to drink drams with him, scrat his face, and burn his +periwig, when she is in her maudlin hysterics,--and three or four +discontented patriotic dependents to abuse the ministry, and settle the +affairs of the nation, when they are aw intoxicated; and then, sir,:--the +fellow has aw his wishes, and aw his wants--in this world--and the next. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Lady Rodolpha is come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And my lord? + +_Tom_. Not yet, sir,--he is about a mile behind, the servants say. + +_Sir Per_. Let me know the instant he arrives. + +_Tom_. I shall, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Step you out, Charles, and receive Lady Rodolpha;--and, I +desire you will treat her with as much respect and gallantry as possible; +for my lord has hinted that you have been very remiss as a lover.--So go, +go and receive her. + +_Eger_. I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel,--vary weel;--a guid lad: go--go and receive her as a +lover should. [_Exit_ Egerton.] Hah! I must keep a devilish tight hand +upon this fallow, I see,--or he will be touched with the patriotic frenzy +of the times, and run counter till aw my designs.--I find he has a strong +inclination to have a judgment of his ain, independent of mine, in aw +political matters;--but as soon as I have finally settled the marriage +writings with my lord, I will have a thorough expostulation with my +gentleman, I am resolved,--and fix him unalterably in his political +conduct.--Ah!--I am frighted out of my wits, lest his mother's family +should seduce him to desert to their party, which would totally ruin my +whole scheme, and break my heart.--A fine time of day for a blockhead to +turn patriot;--when the character is exploded--marked--proscribed;--why +the common people--the vary vulgar--have found out the jest, and laugh at +a patriot now-a-days,---just as they do at a conjurer,--a magician,--or +any other impostor in society.-- + + _Enter_ TOMLINS, _and Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Tom_. Lord Lumbercourt. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir Pertinax, I kiss your hand. + +_Sir Per_. Your lordship's most devoted. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, you stole a march upon me this morning;--gave me the +slip, Mac;--tho' I never wanted your assistance more in my life.--I +thought you would have called on me. + +_Sir Per_. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of pardons for leaving town +before you; but you ken that your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it +that we should meet this morning at the levee. + +_Lord Lum_. That I acknowledge, Mac.--I did promise to be there, I own. + +_Sir Per_. You did, indeed.--And accordingly I was at the levee and waited +there till every soul was gone, and, seeing you did not come, I concluded +that your lordship was gone before. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, to confess the truth, my dear Mac, those old sinners, +Lord Freakish, General Jolly, Sir Antony Soaker, and two or three more of +that set, laid hold of me last night at the opera,--and, as the General +says, 'from the intelligence of my head this morning,' I believe we drank +pretty deep ere we departed; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that party, my lord, I do not +wonder at not seeing your lordship at the levee, + +_Lord Lum_. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow let me sleep too long +for the levee.--But I wish I had seen you before you left town--I wanted +you dreadfully. + +_Sir Per_. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the way:--but on what +account did you want me? + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair.--And, ha, ha, ha! yet I +cann't help laughing at it neither--tho' it vext me confoundedly. + +_Sir Per_. Vext you, my lord! Zounds, I wish I had been with you:--but, +for heaven's sake, my lord,--what was it, that could possibly vex your +lordship? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning rascal, Mahogany, my +upholsterer.--You know the fellow? + +_Sir Per_. Perfectly, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. The impudent scoundrel has sued me up to some damned kind of +a--something or other in the law, that I think they call an execution. + +_Sir Per_. The rascal! + +_Lord Lum_. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of asking pardon--ha, ha, +ha! had the modesty to wait on me two or three days ago, to inform my +honour--ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to dignify me,--that the execution +was now ready to be put in force against my honour;--but that out of +respect to my honour--as he had taken a great deal of my honour's money-- +he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till he had first informed my +honour, because he was not willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son +of a whore! + +_SirPer_. I never heard of so impudent a dog. + +_Lord Lum_. Now, my dear Mac,--ha, ha, ha! as the scoundrel's apology was +so very satisfactory, and his information so very agreeable--I told him +that, in honour, I thought that my honour cou'd not do less than to order +his honour to be paid immediately. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel +till the full, I think, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great +composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner +of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and +another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good +drubbing as long as the stick lasted. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I +heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought +the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the +soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my +servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged +the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two +that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord +Chief Justice. + +_Sir Per_. The devil! + +_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two +other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged +my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise. + +_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage? + +_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize +it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer. + +_Sir Per_. An impudent villain! + +_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a +damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their +debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a +scandal, dear Mac. to the nation? + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a +grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun, +and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might +extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a +few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the +affair happened. + +_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon +of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics +through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws +shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us. + +_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel +has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from +the opera. + +_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that +the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses. + +_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all +events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to +town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings. + +_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord. + +_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour. + +_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost +stretch of my abeelity. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no +family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not +inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with +you. + +_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know +them? + +_LordLum._ By sight only. + +_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business. + +_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they +say he's a damned jolly fellow. + +_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the +two hardest drinkers in the county. + +_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will +enliven the scene. How far are they from you? + +_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a +step. + +_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means. + +_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company. +[_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with +the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath. +I long to have a little news from her about the company there. + +_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you. + [_A very loud laugh without_. + +_Lady Rodolpha._ [_Without._] Ha, ha, ha! weel I vow, cousin Egerton, you +have a vast deal of shrewd humour.--But Lady Macsycophant, which way is +Sir Pertinax? + +_Lady Mac._ [Without._] Strait forward, madam. + +_Lord Lum_. Here the hairbrain comes: it must be her, by the noise, + +_Lady Rod_. [_Without._] Allons--gude folks--follow me--sans cérémonie. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Running up to Sir_ Per.] Sir Pertinax, your most devoted, +most obsequious, and most obedient vassal. [_Curtsies very low_. + +_Sir Per_. [_Bowing ridiculously low._] Lady Rodolpha, down till the +ground, my congratulations and duty attend you, and I should rejoice to +kiss your ladyship's footsteps. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsying very low._] O! Sir Pertinax, your humeelity is +most sublimely complaisant:--at present, unanswerable;--but I shall +intensely study to return it--fyfty fald. + +_Sir Per_. Your ladyship does me singular honour:--weel, madam--ha! you +look gaily;--weel, and how--how is your ladyship, after your jaunt till +the Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Never better, Sir Pertinax:--as weel as youth, health, riotous +spirits, and a careless happy heart can make me. + +_Sir Per_. I am mighty glad till hear it, my lady. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay--Rodolpha is always in spirits, Sir Pertinax.--Vive la +Bagatelle is the philosophy of our family,--ha? Rodolpha--ha? + +_Lady Rod_. Traith it is, my lord; and upon honour I am determined it +shall never be changed with my consent. Weel I vow--ha, ha, ha! Vive la +Bagatelle would be a most brilliant motto for the chariot of a belle of +fashion. What say you till my fancy, Lady Macsycophant. + +_Lady Mac_. It would have novelty at least to recommend it, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Which of aw charms is the most delightful that can accompany +wit, taste, love, or friendship;--for novelty I take to be the true _Je ne +scais quoi_ of all worldly bliss. Cousin Egerton, shou'd not you like to +have a wife with Vive la Bagatelle upon her wedding chariot? + +_Eger_. O! certainly, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Yes, I think it would be quite out of the common, and +singularly ailegant. + +_Eger_. Indisputably, madam:--for as a motto is a word to the wise, or +rather a broad hint to the whole world of a person's taste and +principles,--Vive la Bagatelle would be most expressive at first sight of +your ladyship's characteristic. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsies._] O! Maister Egerton, you touch my vary heart with +your approbation--ha, ha, ha! that is the vary spirit of my intention, the +instant I commence bride.--Weel! I am immensely proud that my fancy has +the approbation of so sound an understanding, and so polished a taste as +that of the all-accomplished [_Curtsies very low._] Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Weel,--but Lady Rodolpha--I wanted to ask your ladyship some +questions about the company at the Bath;--they say you had aw the world +there. + +_Lady Rod_. O, yes!--there was a vary great mob there indeed;--but vary +little company.--Aw Canaille,--except our ain party.--The place was +crowded with your little purse-proud mechanics;--an odd kind of queer +looking animals that have started intill fortune fra lottery tickets, rich +prizes at sea, gambling in Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of +fortune;--and away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn genteelity, and the +names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us people of fashion; ha, ha, +ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! I know them;--I know the things you mean, my dear, +extremely well.--I have observed them a thousand times, and wondered where +the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion,--and +better na human follies ever afforded; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture--and +sic oddities, ha, ha, ha!--a perfect Gallimaufry.--Lady Kunegunda M'Kenzie +and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose +to reconnoitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till +your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax; ha, ha, ha!-- +Madam, we had in one group--a peer and a sharper,--a dutchess and a +pinmaker's wife,--a boarding school miss and her grandmother,--a fat +parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral,--ha, ha, ha!--aw speaking +together--and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame +and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the object of their +contention? + +_Lady Rod_. O! a vary important one, I assure you;--of no less +consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have +been saved. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Ridiculous! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have seen that very conflict a +thousand times. + +_Sir Per_. And so have I, upon honour, my lord. + +_Lady Rod_. In another party, Sir Pertinax--ha, ha, ha! we had what +was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a +haberdasher,--a red hot patriot and a sneering courtier,--a discarded +statesman and his scribbling chaplain,--with a busy, bawling, +muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer;--all of whom were every minute ready to +gang together by the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry--ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow.--Vary +whimsical upon honour.--But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and +settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a +country dance. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room--in a bye +corner--snug--we had a Jew and a bishop-- + +_Sir Per_. A Jew and a bishop!--ha--ha--a devilish guid connection that;-- +and pray, my lady, what were they about? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, sir, the bishop--was striving to convert the Jew,--while +the Jew--by intervals--was slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop +about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the +stock. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse:--hah! it +was develish clever of him, my lord,--develish clever. + +_Lord Lum_. Yes, yes--the fellow kept a sharp look-out.--I think it was a +fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton. + +_Eger_. True, my lord;--but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way +to succeed. + +_Lord Lum_. O! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!--Well, child, I like your +Jew and your bishop much.--It's develish clever.--Let us have the rest of +the history, pray, my dear. + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is--that there we aw +danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and +cheated, and mingled, and jumbled, and wolloped together--clean and +unclean--even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha!--Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha,--and, upon +my honour, ha, ha, ha!--you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever +was hit off. + +_Sir Per_. Ah! yas, my lord, especially the animal assembly in Noah's +ark.--It is an excellent picture of the oddities that one meets with at +the Bath. + +_Lord Lum_. Why yes, there is some fancy in it, I think, Egerton? + +_Eger_. Very characteristic indeed, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. What say you, Mr. Sidney? + +_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly +in distinct colours. + +_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a +reigning toast before her looking-glass.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I +cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in +the South, at your routs, your assemblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the +which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye. + +"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be? + +"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips +and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon +honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the +wooly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear +Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about? + +"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact +is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic +pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid +comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss, +with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our +dancing and sweating. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their +slips and their slops here in the south. + +"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl, +upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but, +my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the +wolly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!" + + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly. + +_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship. + +_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please. + [_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant. + +_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a +hand at your ladyship's devotion. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.-- +There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the +account of human dealings now-a-days. + +_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in +courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery +ticket. + +_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.-- +Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my +dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it. + [_Exit with_ Eger. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she +has, Maister Sidney. + +_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister +Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last +hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares +will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of +him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this +match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE SECOND ACT. + + + + +_ACT III. SCENE I._ + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word +about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your +court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or +twenty, till oblige him. + +_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper. + +_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic-- +with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the +matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute +about religion, you slily slunged away. + +_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half +pint bumpers. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order +to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of +smaw glasses. + +_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more. + +_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your +drinking more. + +_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the +lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I +am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your +assistance in it. + +_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your +squabble? + +_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have +contributed to assist me. + +_Eger_. How so, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as +my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little +French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the +humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank +half a score bumpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when +we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish +it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken +what will be the consequence. + +_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable +time to settle business, sir? + +_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his +cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid +fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a +bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up +your shoulders at, sir? + +_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy +nor the morality of your doctrine. + +_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull, +understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told +you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of +pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical +subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble +fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it? + +_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities. + +_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you +how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._] +by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great +man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct. + +_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir? + +_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the +instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. +Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what +an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human +nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of +the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll +give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and +a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the +world. + +_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit +down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your +grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum +total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of +Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; +the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid +economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention +to make every man well pleased with himself. + +_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these +materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune +with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a +beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of +London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect. + +_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this +unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts +morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of +prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently +conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my +condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, +beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my +heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an +entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is +generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a +commodity. + +_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that +could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for +an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive, +toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of +deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy +thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the +north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right? + +_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman +with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or assemblies--nai, +sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, +and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of +churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating +love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an +old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she +looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this +miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had +nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, +ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite. + +_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the +same condition. + +_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to +pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her +teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields: +and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me +down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed, +and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do +for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the +strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her +chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a +week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the +siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful +visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was +the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the +vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine? + +_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit +off? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well. + +_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away +with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid +smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill +Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an +ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I bowed, and +watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and +attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary +bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and +wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got +my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery +tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a +much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a +bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing +to some purpose? + +_Eger_. It was indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility +of bowing? + +_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus +bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with +many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, +eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken +in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the +instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which +deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the +polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house +of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, +is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are +popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, +it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows. + +_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice +you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you +entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest +filial gratitude. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet +with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage--your liveries--your +equipage--or your domestic establishment? + +_Eger_. Not yet, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Poh! why there again now you are wrong--vary wrong. + +_Eger_. Sir, we have not had an opportunity. + +_Sir Per_. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business. + +_Lord Lum_. [_Sings without, flusht with wine_.] +'What have we with day to do?' + +_Sir Per_. O! here comes my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you,' + [_Enters, drinking a dish of coffee_: TOMLINS _waiting with a salver +in his hand_.] +--'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Very, good coffee indeed, Mr. +Tomlins. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Here, Mr. Tomlins. + +_Tom_. Will your lordship please to have another dish? + +_Lord Lum_. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] +Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work. + +_Sir Per_. Yes; you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and +vigour of a Bacchanal. + +_Lord Lum_. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but +three motions, old boy,--charge--toast--fire--and off we go: ha, ha, ha! +that's my exercise. + +_Sir Per_. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord,--especially with the +half-pint glasses. + +_Lord Lum_. Zounds! it does execution point blanc:--ay, ay, none of your +pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint +bumpers, my dear: they try a fellow's stamina at once:--but, where's +Egerton? + +_Sir Per_. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands--looking at your +lordship's picture. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Egerton. + +_Eger_. Your lordship's most obedient. + +_Lord Lum_. I beg pardon: I did not see you: I am sorry you left us so +soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. +I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the +colonel. + +_Eger_. So I understand, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. But, Egerton, I have slipt from the company for a few moments, +on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies +there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her. + +_Sir Per_. A demur! how so, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I +desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the +ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she +supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a +single glance or hint upon the subject. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness +to the lady. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS.. + +_Tom_. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and serjeant Eitherside. + +_Sir Per_. Why then we can settle the business this very evening, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. As well as in seven years: and, to make the way as short as +possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to +Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her +directly: [_Exit_ Tomlins.]--He shall attack her this instant, Sir +Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! this is doing business effectually, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax,--that will bring +them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of +awkwardness on both sides. O! here your dulcinea comes, sir. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _singing, a music paper in her hand._ + +_Lady Rod_. I have been learning this air of Constantia: I protest, her +touch on the harpsichord is quite brilliant, and really her voice not +amiss. Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands, and yours, my paternal +lord. [_Lady_ Rod. _curtsies very low; my lord bows very low, and answers +in the same tone and manner._] + +_Lord Lum_. Why, then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the +commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you +to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and +forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening. + +_Lady Rod_. This evening, my lord! + +_Lord Lum_. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them +to settle their liveries, wedding-suits, carriages, and all their amorous +equipage, for the nuptial campaign. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! excellent! excellent! weel, I vow, my lord, you are +a great officer:--this is as guid a manoeuvre to bring on a rapid +engagement as the ablest general of them aw could have started. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay! leave them together; they'll soon come to a right +understanding, I warrant you, or the needle and loadstone have lost their +sympathy. [_Exit Lord_ Lum. _and Sir_ Per. + +[_Lady_ Rodolpha _stands at that side of the Stage, where they went off, +in amazement:_ Egerton _is at the opposite side, who, after some anxious +emotion, settles into a deep reflection:--this part of the scene must be +managed by a nice whispering tone of self-conversation mutually observed +by the Lovers._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Why, this is downright tyranny! it has quite dampt +my spirits; and my betrothed, yonder, seems planet-struck too, I think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A whimsical situation, mine! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Ha, ha, ha! methinks we look like a couple of +cautious generals, that are obliged to take the field, but neither of us +seems willing to come till action. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] I protest, I know not how to address her. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] He will nai advance, I see: what am I to do in this +affair? guid traith, I will even do, as I suppose many brave heroes have +done before me,--clap a guid face upon the matter, and so conceal an +aching heart under a swaggering countenance. +[_As she advances, she points at him, and smothers a laugh; but when she +speaks to him, the tone must be_ loud, _and rude on the word_ Sir.] +_Sir_, as we have,--by the commands of our guid fathers, a business of +some little consequence to transact,--I hope you will excuse my taking the +liberty of recommending a chair till you, for the repose of your body--in +the embarrassed deliberation of your perturbed spirits. + +_Eger_. [_Greatly embarrassed._] Madam, I beg your pardon. [_Hands her a +chair, then one for himself._] Please to sit, madam. [_They sit down with +great ceremony: she sits down first. He sits at a distance from her. They +are silent for some time. He coughs, hems, and adjusts himself. She +mimicks him._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Aha! he's resolved not to come too near till me, I +think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A pleasant interview, this--hem, hem! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside, mimicks him to herself._] Hem! he will not open the +congress, I see.--Then I will.--[_very loud._] _Come, sir_, when will you +begin? + +_Eger_. [_Greatly surprised._] Begin! what, madam? + +_Lady Rod_. To make love till me. + +_Eger_. Love, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. Ay, love, sir.--Why, you have never said a word till me on +the subject,--nor cast a single glance at me,--nor heaved one tender +sigh,--nor even secretly squeezed my loof:--now, sir, thof our fathers are +so tyrannical as to dispose of us without the consent of our hearts;--yet +you, sir, I hope, have more humanity than to think of marrying me without +administering some of the preliminaries, usual on those occasions:--if not +till my understanding and sentiments, yet till the vanity of my sex, at +least, I hope you will pay some little tribute of ceremony and adulation: +that, I think, I have a right to expect. + +_Eger_. Madam, I own your reproach is just:--I shall therefore no longer +disguise my sentiments, but fairly let you know my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starts up, and runs to him._] That's right,--that is right, +cousin;--honourably and affectionately right;--that is what I like of aw +things in my swain.--Ay, ay, cousin--open your mind frankly till me, as a +true lover shou'd.--But sit you down--sit you down again: I shall return +your frankness and your passion, cousin, with a melting tenderness, equal +till the amorous enthusiasm of an ancient heroine. + +_Eger_. Madam, if you will hear me---- + +_Lady Rod_. But, remember, you must begin with fervency,--and a most +rapturous vehemency:--for you are to consider, cousin, that our match is +nai to arise fra the union of hearts, and a long decorum of ceremonious +courtship;--but is instantly to start at once--out of necessity, or mere +accident;--ha, ha, ha! like a match in an ancient romance,--where you ken, +cousin,--the knight and the damsel are mutually smitten and dying for each +other at first sight,--or by an amorous sympathy before they exchange a +single glance. + +_Eger_. Dear madam, you entirely mistake---- + +_Lady Rod_. And our fathers,--ha, ha, ha! our fathers are to be the dark +magicians that are to fascinate our hearts and conjure us together, +whether we will or not. + +_Eger_. Ridiculous! + +_Lady Rod_. So now, cousin, with the true romantic enthusiasm,--you are to +suppose me the lady of the enchanted castle, and you--ha, ha, ha! you are +to be the knight of the sorrowful countenance--ha, ha, ha! and, upon +honour--you look the character admirably;--ha, ha, ha! + +_Eger_. Rude trifling creature! + +_Lady Rod_. Come, sir,--why do you nai begin to ravish me with your +valour, your vows, your knight errantry, and your amorous phrenzy.--Nay, +nay, nay! guin you do nai begin at once, the lady of the enchanted castle +will vanish in a twinkling. + +_Eger_. Lady Rodolpha, I know your talent for raillery well;--but at +present, in my case, there is a kind of cruelty in it. + +_Lady Rod_. Raillery! upon honour, cousin, you mistake me quite and +clean.--I am serious--very serious;--ay, and I have cause to be serious;-- +nay, I will submit my case even till yourself. [_Whines_.] Can any poor +lassy be in a more lamentable condition, than to be sent four hundred +miles, by the command of a positive grandmother, to marry a man, who I +find has no more affection for me,--than if I had been his wife these +seven years. + +_Eger_. Madam, I am extremely sorry---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Cries and sobs_.] But it is vary weel, cousin.--I see your +unkindness and aversion plain enough,--and, sir, I must tell you fairly, +you are the ainly man that ever slighted my person,--or that drew tears +fra these een.--But--it is vary weel--it's vary weel--I will return till +Scotland to-morrow morning, and let my grandmother know how I have been +affronted by your slights, your contempts, and your aversions. + +_Eger_. If you are serious, madam, your distress gives me a deep +concern;--but affection is not in our power; and when you know that my +heart is irrecoverably given to another woman, I think, your understanding +and good nature will not only pardon my past coldness and neglect of +you,--but forgive me when I tell you, I never can have that honour which +is intended me,--by a connection with your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starting up_.] How, sir!--are you serious? + +_Eger_. [_Rises_.] Madam, I am too deeply interested, both as a man of +honour and a lover, to act otherwise with you on so tender a subject. + +_Lady Rod_. And so you persist in slighting me? + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, madam; but I must be explicit, and at once +declare--that I never can give my hand where I cannot give my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_In great anger_.] Why then, sir, I must tell you, that your +declaration is sic an affront as nai woman of spirit can, or ought to +bear:--and here I make a solemn vow, never to pardon it, but on one +condition. + +_Eger_. If that condition be in my power, madam---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Snaps him up_.] Sir, it is in your power. + +_Eger_. Then, madam, you may command me. + +_Lady Rod_. [_With a firm peremptory command_]. Why then, sir, the +condition is this;--you must here give me your honour,--that nai +importunity,--command,--or menace of your father,--in fine, that nai +consideration whatever,--shall induce you to take me, Rodolpha +Lumbercourt, to be your wedded wife. + +_Eger_. Madam, I most solemnly promise, I never will. + +_Lady Rod_. And I, sir, most solemnly, and sincerely [_Curtsies._] thank +you--for [_Curtsies._] your resolution, and your agreeable aversion--ha, +ha, ha! for you have made me as happy as a poor wretch, reprieved in the +vary instant of intended execution. + +_Eger_. Pray, madam, how am I to understand all this? + +_Lady Rod._[_With frankness, and, a reverse of manners_.] Why, sir, your +frankness and sincerity demand the same behaviour on my side;--therefore, +without farther disguise or ambiguity, know, sir, that I myself [_With a +deep sigh_.] am as deeply smitten with a certain swain, as I understand +you are with your Constantia. + +_Eger_. Indeed, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. [_With an amiable, soft, tender sincerity_.] O! sir, +notwithstanding aw my shew of courage and mirth,--here I stand--as errant +a trembling Thisbe, as ever sighed or mourned for her Pyramus,--and, sir, +aw my extravagant levity and ridiculous behaviour in your presence now, +and ever since _your_ father prevailed upon _mine_ to consent till this +match, has been a premeditated scheme to provoke your gravity and guid +sense intill a cordial disgust, and a positive refusal. + +_Eger_. Madam, you have contrived and executed your scheme most happily. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, since Cupid has thus luckily disposed of you till your +Constantia, and me till my swain, we have nothing to think of now, sir, +but to contrive how to reduce the inordinate passions of our parents +intill a temper of prudence and humanity. + +_Eger_. Most willingly I consent to your proposal.----But, with your +leave, madam, if I may presume so far;--'pray, who is your lover? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, in that too I shall surprise you perhaps more than +ever.--In the first place--he is a beggar--and in disgrace with an +unforgiving father;--and in the next place,--he is [_Curtsies._] your ain +brother. + +_Eger_. Is it possible? + +_Lady Rod_. A most amorous truth, sir;--that is, as far as a woman can +answer for her ain heart. [_in a laughing gaiety_.] So you see, cousin +Charles, thof I you'd nai mingle affections with _you_--I have nai ganged +out of the family. + +_Eger_. [_A polite rapture, frank_.] Madam, give me leave to congratulate +myself upon your affection,--you cou'd not have placed it on a worthier +object; and, whatever is to be our chance in this lottery of our parents, +be assured that my fortune shall be devoted to your happiness and his. + +_Lady Rod_. Generous, indeed, cousin--but not a whit nobler, I assure you, +than your brother Sandy believes of you.--And, be assured, sir, that we +shall both remember it, while the heart feels, or the memory retains a +sense of gratitude.--But now, sir, let me ask one question:--Pray, how is +your mother affected in this business? + +_Eger_. She knows of my passion, and will, I am sure, be a friend to the +common cause. + +_Lady Rod_. Ah! that's lucky. Our first step then must be to take her +advice upon our conduct, so as to keep our fathers in the dark till we can +hit off some measure that will wind them about till our ain purpose, and +the common interest of our ain passion. + +_Eger_. You are very right, madam, for, should my father suspect my +brother's affection for your ladyship, or mine for Constantia, there is no +guessing what wou'd be the consequence.--His whole happiness depends upon +this bargain with my lord; for it gives him the possession of three +boroughs, and those, madam, are much dearer to him than the happiness of +his children. I am sorry to say it, but, to gratify his political rage, he +wou'd sacrifice every social tie, that is dear to friend or family. +[_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE THIRD ACT. + + + + +_ACT IV. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE. + + +_Sir Per_. No, no.--Come away, Counsellor Plausible;--come away, +I say;--let them chew upon it.--Why, counsellor, did you ever see so +impertinent, so meddling, and so obstinate a blockhead, as that Serjeant +Eitherside? Confound the fellow--he has put me out of aw temper. + +_Plaus_. He is very positive, indeed, Sir Pertinax,--and no doubt was +intemperate and rude. But, Sir Pertinax, I wou'd not break off the match +notwithstanding; for certainly, even without the boroughs, it is an +advantageous bargain both to you and your son. + +_Sir Per_. But, zounds! Plausible, do you think I will give up the +nomination till three boroughs?--Why I wou'd rather give him twenty, nay +thirty thousand pounds in any other part of the bargain:--especially at +this juncture, when votes are likely to become so valuable.--Why, man, if +a certain affair comes on, they will rise above five hundred per cent. + +_Plaus_. You judge very rightly, Sir Pertinax;--but what shall we do in +this case? for Mr. Serjeant insists that you positively agreed to my +lord's having the nomination to the three boroughs during his own life. + +_Sir Per_. Why yes,--in the first sketch of the agreement, I believe I did +consent:--but at that time, man, my lord's affairs did not appear to be +half so desperate, as I now find they turn out.--Sir, he must acquiesce in +whatever I demand, for I have got him intill sic an a hobble that he +cannot---- + +_Plaus_. No doubt, Sir Pertinax, you have him absolutely in your power. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel:--And ought rial a man to make his vantage of it? + +_Plaus_. No doubt you ought;--no manner of doubt.--But, Sir Pertinax, +there is a secret spring in this business, that you do not seem to +perceive;--and which, I am afraid, governs the matter respecting these +boroughs. + +_Sir Per_. What spring do you mean, counsellor? + +_Plaus_. Why this Serjeant Eitherside,--I have some reason to think that +my lord is tied down by some means or other to bring the serjeant in, the +very first vacancy, for one of these boroughs;--now that, I believe, is +the sole motive why the serjeant is so strenuous that my lord should keep +the boroughs in his own power;--fearing that you might reject him for some +man of your own. + +_Sir Per_. Odswunds and death! Plausible, you are clever,--devilish +clever.--By the blood, you have hit upon the vary string that has made aw +thjs discord.--Oh! I see it,--I see it now.--But hauld--hauld--bide a wee +bit--a wee bit, man;--I have a thought come intill my head--yes--I think, +Plausible, that with a little twist in our negotiation that this vary +string, properly tuned, may be still made to produce the vary harmony we +wish for.--Yes, yes! I have it: this serjeant, I see, understands +business--and, if I am not. mistaken, knows how to take a hint. + +_Plaus_. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Why then, Plausible, the short road is always the best with sic +a man.--You. must even come up till his mark at once, and assure him from +me--that I will secure him a seat for one of these vary boroughs. + +_Plaus_. O! that will do, Sir Pertinax--that will do, I'll answer for't. + +_Sir Per_. And further--I beg you will let him know that I think myself +obliged to consider him in this affair, as acting for me as weel as for my +lord,--as a common friend till baith:--and for the services he has already +done us, make my special compliments till him--and pray let this amicable +bit of paper be my faithful advocate to convince him of what my gratitude +further intends for his great [_Gives him a bank-bill._] equity in +adjusting this agreement betwixt my lord and me. + +_Plaus_. Ha, ha, ha!--upon my word, Sir Pertinax, this is noble.--Ay, ay! +this is an eloquent bit of paper indeed. + +_Sir Per_. Maister Plausible, in aw human dealings the most effectual +method is that of ganging at once till the vary bottom of a man's +heart:--for if we expect that men shou'd serve us,--we must first win +their affections by serving them.--O! here they baith come. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT, _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Sir Pertinax, what could provoke you to break off this +business so abruptly? you are really wrong in the point,--and if you will +give yourself time to recollect, you will find that my having the +nomination to the boroughs for my life was a preliminary article;--I +appeal to Mr. Serjeant Eitherside here, whether I did not always +understand it so. + +_Serj._I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his lordship's conversation +with me upon this business, and in his positive instructions,--both he and +I always understood the nomination to be in my lord, durantê vitâ. + +_ SirPer_. Why, then my lord, to shorten the dispute, aw that I can say in +answer till your lordship is--that there has been a total mistake betwixt +us in that point,--and therefore the treaty must end here. I give it up.-- +O! I wash my hands of it for ever. + +_Plaus_. Well, but gentlemen, gentlemen, a little patience.--Sure this +mistake, some how or other, may be rectified.--Pr'ythee, Mr. Serjeant, let +you and I step into the next room by ourselves, and reconsider the clause +relative to the boroughs, and try if we cannot hit upon a medium that will +be agreeable to both parties. + +_Serj._ [_With great warmth_.] Mr. Plausible, I have considered the clause +fully;--am entirely master of the question;--my lord cannot give up the +point.--It is unkind and unreasonable to expect it. + +_Plaus._ Nay, Mr. Serjeant, I beg you will not misunderstand me. Do not +think I want his lordship to give up any point without an equivalent.--Sir +Pertinax, will you permit Mr. Serjeant and me to retire a few moments to +reconsider this point? + +_Sir Per_. With aw my heart, Maister Plausible; any thing to oblige his +lordship--any thing to accomodate his lordship--any thing. + +_Plaus._ What say you, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_ Nay, I submit it entirely to you and Mr. Serjeant. + +_Plaus._ Come, Mr. Serjeant, let us retire. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay,--go, Mr. Serjeant, and hear what Mr. Plausible has to +say. + +_Serj_. Nay, I'll wait on Mr. Plausible, my lord, with all my heart; but I +am sure I cannot suggest the shadow of a reason for altering my present +opinion: impossible--impossible. + +_Plaus_. Well, well, Mr. Serjeant, do not be positive. I am sure, reason, +and your client's conveniency, will always make you alter your opinion. + +_Serj_. Ay, ay--reason, and my client's conveniency, Mr. Plausible, will +always controul my opinion, depend upon it: ay, ay! there you are right. +Sir, I attend you. [_Exeunt Lawyers._ + +_Sir Per_. I am sorry, my lord, extremely sorry indeed, that this mistake +has happened. + +_Lord Lum_. Upon my honour, and so am I, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. But come now, after aw, your lordship must allow you have been +in the wrong: come, my dear lord, you must allow me that now. + +_Lord Lum_. How so, my dear Sir Pertinax? + +_Sir Per_. Not about the boroughs, my lord, for those I do no mind of a +bawbee;--but about your distrust of my friendship.--Why, do you think +now--I appeal till your ain breast, my lord--do you think, I say, that I +should ever have slighted your lordship's nomination till these boroughs. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax, but one +must be directed by one's lawyer, you know. + +_Sir Per_. Hah! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to +have any dependance upon: they are always starting punctilios and +difficulties among friends. Why, my dear lord, it is their interest that +aw mankind should be at variance: for disagreement is the vary manure with +which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and as they find that +that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always +be sure to lay it on as thick as they can. + +_Lord Lum_. Come, come, my dear Sir Pertinax, you must not be angry with +the serjeant for his insisting so warmly on this point--for those +boroughs, you know, are my sheet anchor. + +_Sir Per_. I know it, my lord,--and, as an instance of my promptness to +study, and of my acquiescence till your lordship's inclination, as I see +that this Serjeant Eitherside wishes you weel and you him, I think now he +would be as guid a man to be returned for one of those boroughs as could +be pitched upon--and as such, I humbly recommend him till your lordship's +consideration. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, my dear Sir Pertinax, to tell you the truth, I have +already promised him. He must be in for one of them, and that is one +reason why I insisted so strenuously: he must be in. + +_Sir Per_. And why not? odswunds! why not? is nai your word a fiat? and +will it nai be always so till me? are ye nai my friend--my patron--and are +we nai, by this match of our children, to be united intill one interest? + +_Lord Lum_. So I understand it, I own, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it can nai be otherwise: then, for Heaven's sake, as +your lordship and I can have but one interest for the future, let us have +nai mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conclude the agreement +just as it stands; otherwise there must be new writings drawn, new +consultations of lawyers, new objections and delays will arise,--creditors +will be impatient and impertinent, so that we shall nai finish the Lord +knows when. + +_Lord Lum_. You are right, you are right: say no more, Mac, say no more. +Split the lawyers--you judge the point better than all Westminster-hall +could. It shall stand as it is: yes, you shall settle it your own way: for +your interest and mine are the same, I see plainly. + +_Sir Per_. No doubt of it, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! here the lawyers come. + + _Enter Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. So, gentlemen--well, what have you done? how are your opinions +now? + +_Serj_. My lord, Mr. Plausible has convinced me--fully convinced me. + +_Plaus_. Yes, my lord, I have convinced him; I have laid such arguments +before Mr. Serjeant as were irresistible. + +_Serj_. He has indeed, my lord: besides, as Sir Pertinax gives his honour +that your lordship's nomination shall be sacredly observed, why, upon a +nearer review of the whole matter, I think it will be the wiser measure to +conclude the agreement just as it is drawn. + +_Lord Lum_. I am very glad you think so, Mr. Serjeant, because that is my +opinion too: so, my dear Eitherside, do you and Plausible dispatch the +business now as soon as possible. + +_Serj_. My lord, every thing will be ready in less than an hour. Come, +Mr. Plausible, let us go and fill up the blanks, and put the last hand to +the writings on our part. + +_Plaus_. I attend you, Mr. Serjeant. [_Exeunt Lawyers_. + +_Lord Lum_. And while the lawyers are preparing the writings, Sir +Pertinax, I will go and saunter with the women. + +_Sir Per_. Do, do, my lord: and I will come till you presently. + +_Lord Lum_. Very well, my dear Mac, I shall expect you. + [_Exit singing, 'Sons of care,' &c._ + +_Sir Per_. So! a little flattery mixt with the finesse of a gilded promise +on one side, and a quantum sufficit of the aurum palpabile on the other, +have at last made me the happiest father in Great-Britain. Hah! my +heart expands itself, as it were thro' every part of my whole body, at +the completion of this business, and feels nothing but dignity and +elevation.--Hauld! hauld! bide a wee! bide a wee! I have but one little +matter mair in this affair to adjust, and then, Sir Pertinax, you may +dictate till Fortune herself, and send her to govern fools, while you shew +and convince the world that wise men always govern her. Wha's there? +[_Enter Footman._]--Tell my son Egerton, I would speak with him here in +the library. [_Exit Footman_]--Now I have settled the grand point with my +lord, this, I think, is the proper juncture to feel the political pulse of +my spark, and, once for aw, to set it to the exact measure that I would +have it constantly beat. [_Enter_ Egerton.]--Come hither, Charles. + +_Eger_. Your pleasure, sir. + +_Sir Per_. About twa hours since I told you, Charles, that I received this +letter express, complaining of your brother's activity at an election in +Scotland against a particular friend of mine, which has given great +offence; and, sir, you are mentioned in the letter as weel as he: to be +plain, I must roundly tell you, that on this interview depends my +happiness as a father and as a man; and my affection to you, sir, as a son +for the remainder of our days. + +_Eger_. I hope, sir, I shall never do any thing either to forfeit your +affection, or disturb your happiness. + +_Sir Per_. I hope so too--but to the point.--The fact is this: there has +been a motion made this vary day to bring on the grand affair--which is +settled for Friday seven-night:--now, sir, as you are popular--have +talents, and are weel heard, it is expected, and I insist upon it, that +you endeavour to atone, sir, for your late misconduct, by preparing, and +taking a large share in that question, and supporting it with aw your +power. + +_Eger_, Sir, I have always divided as you directed, except on one +occasion; never voted against your friends, only in that affair.--But, +sir, I hope you will not so exert your influence as to insist upon my +supporting a measure by an obvious, prostituted sophistry, in direct +opposition to my character and my conscience. + +_Sir Per_. Conscience! why, you are mad! did you ever hear any man talk of +conscience in political matters? Conscience, quotha? I have been in +Parliament these three and thraty years, and never heard the term made use +of before:--sir, it is an unparliamentary word, and you will be laughed at +for it;--therefore I desire you will not offer to impose upon me with sic +phantoms, but let me know your reason for thus slighting my friends and +disobeying my commands.--Sir, give me an immediate and an explicit answer. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, I must frankly tell you, that you work against my +nature; you would connect me with men I despise, and press me into +measures I abhor; would make me a devoted slave to selfish leaders, who +have no friendship but in faction--no merit but in corruption--nor +interest in any measure, but their own;--and to such men I cannot submit; +for know, sir, that the malignant ferment which the venal ambition of the +times provokes in the heads and hearts of other men, I detest. + +_Sir Per_. What are you about, sir? malignant ferment! and venal ambition! +Sir, every man should be ambitious to serve his country--and every man +should be rewarded for it: and pray, sir, would nai you wish to serve your +country? Answer me that.--I say, would nai you wish to serve your country? + +_Eger_. Only shew me how I can serve my country, and my life is hers. +Were I qualified to lead her armies, to steer her fleets, and deal her +honest vengeance on her insulting foes;--or could my eloquence pull down a +state leviathan, mighty by the plunder of his country--black with the +treasons of her disgrace, and send his infamy down to a free posterity, as +a monumental terror to corrupt ambition, I would be foremost in such +service, and act it with the unremitting ardour of a Roman spirit. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir! vary weel! the fellow is beside himself! + +_Eger_. But to be a common barker at envied power--to beat the drum of +faction, and sound the trumpet of insidious patriotism, only to displace a +rival,--or to be a servile voter in proud corruption's filthy train,--to +market out my voice, my reason, and my trust, to the party-broker, who +best can promise, or pay for prostitution; these, sir, are services my +nature abhors,--for they are such a malady to every kind of virtue, as +must in time destroy the fairest constitution that ever wisdom framed, +or virtuous liberty fought for. + +_Sir Per_. Why, are you mad, sir? you have certainly been bit by some mad +whig or other: but now, sir, after aw this foul-mouthed frenzy, and +patriotic vulgar intemperance, suppose we were to ask you a plain question +or twa: Pray, what single instance can you, or any man, give of the +political vice or corruption of these days, that has nai been practised in +the greatest states, and in the most virtuous times? I challenge you to +give me a single instance. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir--it is a subject I wish to decline: you know, +sir, we never can agree about it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I insist upon an answer. + +_Eger_. I beg you will excuse me, sir. + +_Sir Per_. I will not excuse you, sir. I insist. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, in obedience, and with your patience, I will answer +your question. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! ay! I will be patient, never fear: come, let us have it, +let us have it. + +_Eger_. You shall; and now, sir, let prejudice, the rage of party, and +the habitual insolence of successful vice--pause but for one moment,--and +let religion, laws, power herself, the policy of a nation's virtue, and +Britain's guardian genius, take a short, impartial retrospect but of one +transaction, notorious in this land,--then must they behold yeomen, +freemen, citizens, artizans, divines, courtiers, patriots, merchants, +soldiers, sailors, and the whole plebeian tribe, in septennial procession, +urged and seduced by the contending great ones of the land to the altar +of perjury,--with the bribe in one hand, and the evangelist in the +other,--impiously, and audaciously affront the Majesty of Heaven, by +calling him to witness that they have not received, nor ever will receive, +reward or consideration for his suffrage.--Is not this a fact, sir? Can it +be denied? Can it be believed by those who know not Britain? Or can it be +matched in the records of human policy?--Who then, sir, that reflects one +moment, as a Briton or a Christian, on this picture, would be conducive to +a people's infamy and a nation's ruin? + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I have heard your rhapsody with a great deal of patience! +and great astonishment,--and you are certainly beside yourself. What the +devil business have you to trouble your head about the sins or the Souls +of other men? You should leave these matters till the clergy, wha are paid +for looking after them; and let every man gang till the devil his ain way: +besides, it is nai decent to find fault with what is winked at by the +whole nation--nay, and practised by aw parties. + +_Eger_. That, sir, is the very shame, the ruin I complain of. + +_Sir Per_. Oh! you are vary young, vary young in these matters, but +experience will convince you, sir, that every man in public business has +twa consciences,--a religious, and a political conscience. Why, you see a +merchant now, or a shop-keeper, that kens the science of the world, always +looks upon an oath at a custom-house, or behind a counter, only as an oath +in business, a thing of course, a mere thing of course, that has nothing +to do with religion;--and just so it is at an election:--for instance +now--I am a candidate, pray observe, and I gang till a periwig-maker, +a hatter, or a hosier, and I give ten, twenty, or thraty guineas for a +periwig, a hat, or a pair of hose; and so on, thro' a majority of +voters;--vary weel;--what is the consequence? Why, this commercial +intercourse, you see, begets a friendship betwixt us, a commercial +friendship--and, in a day or twa these men gang and give me their +suffrages; weel! what is the inference? Pray, sir, can you, or any lawyer, +divine, or casuist, cawl this a bribe? Nai, sir, in fair political +reasoning, it is ainly generosity on the one side, and gratitude on the +other. So, sir, let me have nai mair of your religious or philosophical +refinements, but prepare, attend, and speak till the question, or you are +nai son of mine. Sir, I insist upon it. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, my lord says the writings are now ready, and his lordship and +the lawyers are waiting for you and Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel: we'll attend his lordship. [_Exit_ Sam.] I tell you, +Charles, aw this conscientious refinement in politics is downright +ignorance, and impracticable romance; and, sir, I desire I may hear no +more of it. Come, sir, let us gang down and finish this business. + +_Eger_. [_Stopping Sir_ Per. _as he is going off,_] Sir, with your +permission, I beg you will first hear a word or two upon this subject. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, sir, what would you say? + +_Eger_. I have often resolved to let you know my aversion to this match.-- + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! + +_Eger_. But my respect, and fear of disobliging you, have hitherto kept me +silent-- + +_Sir Per_. Your aversion! your aversion, sir! how dare you use sic +language till me? Your aversion! Look you, sir, I shall cut the matter +vary short:--consider, my fortune is nai inheritance; aw mine ain +acquisition: I can make ducks and drakes of it; so do not provoke me, +but sign the articles directly. + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, sir, but I must be free on this occasion, +and tell you at once, that I can no longer dissemble the honest passion +that fills my heart for another woman. + +_Sir Per_. How! another woman! and, you villain, how dare you love another +woman without my leave? But what other woman--wha is she? Speak, sir, +speak. + +_Eger_. Constantia. + +_Sir Per_. Constantia! oh, you profligate! what! a creature taken in for +charity! + +_Eger_. Her poverty is not her crime, sir, but her misfortune: her birth +is equal to the noblest; and virtue, tho' covered with a village garb, is +virtue still; and of more worth to me than all the splendor of ermined +pride or redundant wealth. Therefore, sir-- + +_Sir Per_. Haud your jabbering, you villain, haud your jabbering; none +of your romance or refinement till me. I have but one question to ask +you--but one question--and then I have done with you for ever, for ever; +therefore think before you answer:--Will you marry the lady, or will you +break my heart? + +_Eger_. Sir, my presence shall not offend you any longer: but when reason +and reflection take their turn, I am sure you will not be pleased with +yourself for this unpaternal passion. [_Going._ + +_Sir Per_. Tarry, I command you; and, I command you likewise not to stir +till you have given me an answer, a definitive answer: Will you marry the +lady, or will you not? + +_Eger_. Since you command me, sir, know then, that I can not, will not +marry her. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Oh! the villain has shot me thro' the head! he has cut my +vitals! I shall run distracted;--the fellow destroys aw my measures--aw my +schemes:--there never was sic a bargain as I have made with this foolish +lord,--possession of his whole estate, with three boroughs upon it--six +members--Why, what an acquisition! what consequence! what dignity! what +weight till the house of Macsycophant! O! damn the fellow! three boroughs, +only for sending down six broomsticks.--O! miserable! miserable! ruined! +undone! For these five and twanty years, ever since this fellow came +intill the world, have I been secretly preparing him for ministerial +dignity,--and with the fellow's eloquence, abilities, popularity, these +boroughs, and proper connections, he might certainly, in a little time, +have done the deed; and sure never were times so favorable, every thing +conspires, for aw the auld political post-horses are broken-winded and +foundered, and cannot get on; and as till the rising generation, the +vanity of surpassing one another in what they foolishly call taste and +elegance, binds them hand and foot in the chains of luxury, which will +always set them up till the best bidder; so that if they can but get +wherewithal to supply their dissipation, a minister may convert the +political morals of aw sic voluptuaries intill a vote that would sell the +nation till Prester John, and their boasted liberties till the great +Mogul;--and this opportunity I shall lose by my son's marrying a vartuous +beggar for love:--O! confound her vartue! it will drive me distracted. +[_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FOURTH ACT. + + + + +_ACT V. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and_ BETTY HINT. + + +_Sir Per_. Come this way, Betty--come this way:--you are a guid girl, and +I will reward you for this discovery.--O the villain! offer her marriage! + +_Bet_. It is true, indeed, sir;--I wou'd not tell your honour a lie for +the world: but in troth it lay upon my conscience, and I thought it my +duty to tell your worship. + +_Sir Per_. You are right--you are right;--it was your duty to tell me, and +I'll reward you for it. But you say Maister Sidney is in love with her +too.--Pray how came you by that intelligence? + +_Bet_. O! sir, I know when folks are in love, let them strive to hide it +as much as they will.--I know it by Mr. Sidney's eyes, when I see him +stealing a sly side-look at her,--by his trembling,--his breathing +short,--his sighing when they are reading together. Besides, sir, he has +made love-verses upon her in praise of her virtue, and her playing upon +the music.--Ay! and I suspect: another thing, sir,--she has a sweetheart, +if not a husband, not far from hence. + +_Sir Per_. Wha? Constantia? + +_Bet_. Ay, Constantia, sir.--Lord! I can know the whole affair, sir, +only for sending over to Hadley, to farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, +Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per_. Then send this instant and get me a particular account of it. + +_Bet_. That I will, sir. + +_Sir Per_. In the mean time, keep a strict watch upon Constantia,--and +be sure you bring me word of whatever new matter you can pick up about +her, my son, or this Hadley husband or sweetheart. + +_Bet_. Never fear, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. This love of Sidney's for Constantia is not unlikely.--There +is something promising in it.--Yes! I think it is nai impossible to +convert it intill a special and immediate advantage. It is but trying. +Wha's there?--If it misses, I am but where I was. [_Enter_ Tomlins.] Where +is Maister Sidney? + +_Tom_. In the dining room, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Tell him I wou'd speak with him. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] 'Tis more +than probable.--Spare to speak and spare to speed. Try--try--always try +the human heart:--try is as guid a maxim in politics as in war.--Why, +suppose this Sidney now shou'd be privy till his friend Charles's love for +Constantia.--What then? guid traith, it is natural to think that his ain +love will demand the preference,--ay, and obtain it too.--Yes, self--self +is an eloquent advocate on these occasions, and seldom loses his cause. I +have the general principle of human nature at least to encourage me in the +experiment;--for only make it a man's interest to be a rascal, and I think +we may safely depend upon his integrity--in serving himself. + + _Enter_ SIDNEY. + +_Sid_. Sir Pertinax, your servant.--Mr. Tomlins told me you desired to +speak with me. + +_Sir Per_. Yes, I wanted to speak with you upon a vary singular business. +Maister Sidney, give me your hand.--Guin it did nai look like flattery, +which I detest, I wou'd tell you, Maister Sidney, that you are an honour +till your cloth, your country, and till human nature. + +_Sid_. Sir, you are very obliging. + +_Sir Per_. Sit you down, Maister Sidney:--Sit you down here by me. My +friend, I am under the greatest obligations till you for the care you +have taken of Charles.--The principles--religious, moral, and political-- +that you have infused intill him, demand the warmest return of gratitude +both fra him and fra me. + +_Sid_. Your approbation, sir, next to that of my own conscience, is the +best test of my endeavours, and the highest applause they can receive. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, you deserve it,--richly deserve it.--And now, sir, the +same care that you have had of Charles,--the same my wife has taken of her +favourite Constantia.--And sure, never were accomplishments, knowledge or +principles, social and religious, infused intill a better nature. + +_Sid_. In truth, sir, I think so too. + +_Sir Per_. She is besides a gentlewoman, and of as guid a family as any in +this county. + +_Sid_. So I understand, sir. + +_SirPer_. Sir, her father had a vast estate; the which he dissipated and +melted in feastings, and friendships, and charities, hospitalities, and +sic kind of nonsense.--But to the business.--Maister Sidney, I love you,-- +yes,--I love you,--and I have been looking out and, contriving how to +settle you in the world.--Sir, I want to see you comfortably and +honourably fixt at the head of a respectable family,--and guin you were +mine ain son, a thousand times,--I cou'd nai make a more valuable present +till you for that purpose, as a partner for life, than this same +Constantia,--with sic a fortune down with her as you yourself shall deem +to be competent,--and an assurance of every canonical contingency in my +power to confer or promote. + +_Sid_. Sir, your offer is noble and friendly:--but tho' the highest +station would derive lustre from Constantia's charms and worth, yet, were +she more amiable than love could paint her in the lover's fancy,--and +wealthy beyond the thirst of the miser's appetite,--I could not--would not +wed her. [_Rises._ + +_Sir Per_. Not wed her! odswunds, man! you surprise me!--Why so?--what +hinders? + +_Sid_. I beg you will not ask a reason for my refusal,--but, briefly and +finally--it cannot be; nor is it a subject I can longer converse upon. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, weel, weel, sir, I have done,--I have done.--Sit down, +man;--sit down again;--sit you down.--I shall mention it no more;--not but +I must confess honestly till you, friend Sidney, that the match, had you +approved of my proposal, besides profiting you, wou'd have been of +singular service till me likewise.--However, you may still serve me as +effectually as if you had married her. + +_Sid_. Then, sir, I am sure I will most heartily. + +_Sir Per_. I believe it, friend Sidney,--and I thank you.--I have nai +friend to depend upon, but yourself. My heart is almost broke.--I cannot +help these tears,--And, to tell you the fact at once--your friend Charles +is struck with a most dangerous malady,--a kind of insanity.--You see I +cannot help weeping when I think of it;--in short this Constantia, I am +afraid, has cast an evil eye upon him.--Do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Not very well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Why, he is grievously smitten with the love of her;--and, I am +afraid, will never be cured without a little of your assistance. + +_Sid._ Of my assistance! pray, sir, in what manner? + +_Sir Per._ In what manner? Lord, Maister Sidney, how can you be so dull? +Why, how is any man cured of his love till a wench, but by ganging to bed +till her? Now do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Perfectly, sir--perfectly. + +_Sir Per._ Vary weel.--Now then, my very guid friend, guin you wou'd but +give him that hint, and take an opportunity to speak a guid word for him +till the wench;--and guin you wou'd likewise cast about a little now,--and +contrive to bring them together once,--why, in a few days after he wou'd +nai care a pinch of snuff for her. [Sidney _starts up._] What is the +matter with you, man?--What the devil gars you start and look so +astounded? + +_Sid._ Sir, you amaze me.--In what part of my mind or conduct have you +found that baseness, which entitles you to treat me with this indignity? + +_Sir Per._ Indignity! What indignity do you mean, sir? Is asking you to +serve a friend with a wench an indignity? Sir, am I not your patron and +benefactor? Ha? + +_Sid._ You are, sir, and I feel your bounty at my heart;--but the virtuous +gratitude, that sowed the deep sense of it there, does not inform me that, +in return, the tutor's sacred function, or the social virtue of the man +must be debased into the pupil's pander, or the patron's prostitute. + +_Sir Per._ How! what, sir! do you dispute? Are you nai my dependent? ha? +And do you hesitate about an ordinary civility, which is practised every +day by men and women of the first fashion? Sir, let me tell you,--however +nice you may be, there is nai a client about the court that wou'd nai jump +at sic an opportunity to oblige his patron. + +_Sid._ Indeed, sir, I believe the doctrine of pimping for patrons, as well +as that of prostituting eloquence and public trust for private lucre, may +be learned in your party schools:--for where faction and public venality +are taught as measures necessary to good government and general +prosperity--there every vice is to be expected. + +_Sir Per._ Oho! oho! vary weel! vary weel! fine slander upon ministers! +fine sedition against government! O, ye villain! you--you--you are a black +sheep;--and I'll mark you.--I am glad you shew yourself.--Yes, yes,--you +have taken off the mask at last;--you have been in my service for many +years, and I never knew your principles before. + +_Sid._ Sir, you never affronted them before:--if you had, you should have +known them sooner. + +_Sir Per._ It is vary weel.--I have done with you.--Ay, ay; now I can +account for my son's conduct--his aversion till courts, till ministers, +levees, public business, and his disobedience till my commands.--Ah! you +are a Judas--a perfidious fellow;--you have ruined the morals of my son, +you villain.--But I have done with you.--However, this I will prophecy at +our parting, for your comfort,--that guin you are so very squeamish about +bringing a lad and a lass together, or about doing sic an a harmless +innocent job for your patron, you will never rise in the church. + +_Sid._ Though my conduct, sir, should not make me rise in her power, I am +sure it will in her favour, in the favour of my own conscience too, and in +the esteem of all worthy men;--and that, sir, is a power and dignity +beyond what patrons, or any minister can bestow. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ What a rigorous, saucy, stiff-necked rascal it is! I see my +folly now.--I am undone by mine ain policy.--This Sidney is the last man +that shou'd have been about my son:--The fellow, indeed, hath given him +principles, that might have done vary weel among the ancient Romans,--but +are damn'd unfit for the modern Britons.--Weel, guin I had a thousand +sons, I never wou'd suffer one of these English, university-bred fellows +to be about a son of mine again;--for they have sic an a pride of +literature and character, and sic saucy, English notions of liberty +continually fermenting in their thoughts, that a man is never sure of +them. Now, if I had had a Frenchman, or a foreigner of any kind, about my +son, I cou'd have pressed him at once into my purpose,--or have kicked the +rascal out of my house in a twinkling.--But what am I to do?--Zoons! he +must nai marry this beggar;--I cannot sit down tamely under that.--Stay,-- +haud a wee.--By the blood, I have it.--Yes--I have hit upon it.--I'll have +the wench smuggled till the highlands of Scotland to-morrow morning.--Yes, +yes,--I'll have her smuggled-- + + _Enter_ BETTY HINT. + +_Bet._ O! sir,--I have got the whole secret out. + +_Sir Per._ About what? + +_Bet._ About Miss Constantia. I have just got all the particulars from +farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, weel, but what is the story? Quick, quick--what is it? + +_Bet._ Why, sir, it is certain that Mrs. Constantia has a sweetheart--or +a husband,--a sort of a gentleman--or a gentleman's gentleman, they don't +know which--that lodges at Gaffer Hodges's--and it is whispered all about +the village that she is with child by him; for Sukey says she saw them +together last night in the dark walk--and Mrs. Constantia was all in +tears. + +_Sir Per._ Zoons! I am afraid this is too guid news to be true. + +_Bet._ O! sir, 'tis certainly true, for I myself have observed that she +has looked very pale for some time past--and could not eat,--and has +qualms every hour of the day.--Yes, yes, sir--depend upon it, she is +breeding, as sure as my name is Betty Hint..--Besides, sir, she has just +writ a letter to her gallant, and I have sent John Gardener to her, who is +to carry it to him to Hadley.--Now, sir, if your worship would seize it-- +See, see, sir,--here John comes with the letter in his hand. + +_Sir Per._ Step you out, Betty, and leave the fellow till me. + +_Bet._ I will, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ JOHN, _with a Packet and a Letter._ + +_John._ [_Putting the packet into his pocket._] There--go you into my +pocket.--There's nobody in the library, so I'll e'en go thro' the short +way.--Let me see, what is the name?--Mel--Meltil--O, no!--Melville, at +Gaffer Hodges's. + +_Sir Per._ What letter is that, sir? + +_John._ Letter,sir! + +_Sir Per._ Give it me, sir. + +_John._ An't please you, sir, it is not mine. + +_Sir Per._ Deliver it this instant, sirrah, or I'll break your head. + +_John._ [_Giving the letter._] There, there your honour. + +_Sir Per._ Begone, rascal.--This, I suppose, will let us intill the whole +business. + +_John._ [_Aside._.] You have got the letter, old surly, but the packet is +safe in my pocket. I'll go and deliver that, however, for I will be true +to poor Mrs. Constantia in spite of you. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ [_Reading the letter._] Um--um 'and bless my eyes with the +sight of you.'--Um--um 'throw myself into your dear arms.' Zoons! 'this +letter is invaluable.---Aha! madam--yes--this will do--this will do, I +think.--Let me see, how is it directed--'To Mr. Melville.' Vary weel. + [_Enter_ Betty.] +O! Betty, you are an excellent wench,--this letter is worth a million. + +_Bet._ Is it as I suspected?--to her gallant? + +_Sir Per._ It is--it is.--Bid Constantia pack out of the house this +instant--and let them get a chaise ready to carry her wherever she +pleases.--But first send my wife and son hither. + +_Bet._ I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Do so--begone. [_Exit_ Betty.] Aha! Maister Charles,--I believe +I shall cure you of your passion for a beggar now.--I think he cannot be +so infatuated as to be a dupe till a strumpet.--Let me see--how am I to +act now?--Why, like a true politician, I must pretend most sincerity +where I intend most deceit. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, _and Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +Weel, Charles, notwithstanding the misery you have brought upon me,--I +have sent for you and your mother in order to convince you both of my +affection and my readiness to forgive,--nay, and even to indulge your +perverse passion:--for, since I find this Constantia has got hold of your +heart, and that your mother and you think that you can never be happy +without her, why, I'll nai longer oppose your inclinations. + +_Eger._ Dear sir, you snatch me from sharpest misery;--on my knees let my +heart thank you for this goodness. + +_Lady Mac._ Let me express my thanks too,--and my joy;--for had you not +consented to his marrying her, we all should have been miserable. + +_Sir Per._ Weel; I am glad I have found a way to please you both at +last.--But, my dear Charles, suppose now that this spotless vestal,--this +wonder of virtue,--this idol of your heart--shou'd be a concealed wanton +after aw,--or shou'd have an engagement of marriage or an intrigue with +another man,--and is only making a dupe of you aw this time:--I say, only +suppose it, Charles--what wou'd you think of her? + +_Eger._ I should think her the most deceitful, and the most subtle of her +sex, and, if possible, would never think of her again. + +_Sir Per._ Will you give me your honour of that? + +_Eger._ Most solemnly, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Enough.--I am satisfied,--You make me young again.--Your +prudence has brought tears of joy fra my very vitals.--I was afraid you +were fascinated with the charms of a crack.--Do you ken this hand? + +_Eger._ Mighty well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ And you, madam. + +_Lady Mac._ As well as I do my own, sir.--It is Constantia's. + +_Sir Per._ It is so; and a better evidence it is than any that can be +given by the human tongue. Here is a warm, rapturous, lascivious letter +under the hypocritical syren's ain hand--her ain hand, sir. + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, let us hear it. + +_Sir Per._ Ay, ay;--here--take and read it yourself.--Eloisa never writ a +warmer nor a ranker to her Abelard--but judge yourselves. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have only time to tell you, that the family came +down sooner than I expected, and that I cannot bless my eyes with the +sight of you till the evening.--The notes, and jewels, which the bearer +of this will deliver to you, were presented to me, since I saw you, by the +son of my benefactor'-- + +_Sir Per._ [_Interrupts him by his remarks._] Now mark. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'All which I beg you will convert to your immediate +use'-- + +_Sir Per._ Mark, I say. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'For my heart has no room for any wish or fortune, +but what contributes to your relief and happiness'-- + +_Sir Per._ Oh! Charles, Charles, do you see, sir, what a dupe she makes +of you? But mark what follows. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'O! how I long to throw myself into your dear, dear +arms; to sooth your fears, your apprehensions, and your sorrows'-- + +_Sir Per._ I suppose the spark has heard of your offering to marry her, +and is jealous of you. + +_Eger._ Sir, I can only say I am astonished. + +_Lady Mac._ It is incredible. + +_Sir Per._ Stay, stay, read it out--read it out, pray: ah! she is a subtle +devil. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have something to tell you of the utmost moment, +but will reserve it till we meet this evening in the dark walk'-- + +_Sir Per._ In the dark walk--in the dark walk--ah! an evil-eyed curse +upon her! yes, yes! she has been often in the dark walk, I believe:--But, +read on. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'In the mean time banish all fears, and hope the +best from fortune, and your ever dutiful CONSTANTIA HARRINGTON.' + +_Sir Per._ There--there's a warm epistle for you! in short, the hussy, +you must know, is married till the fellow. + +_Eger._ Not unlikely, sir. + +_Lady Mac._ Indeed, by her letter, I believe she is. + +_Sir Per._ Nay, I know she is: but look at the hand--peruse it--convince +yourselves. + +_Eger._ Yes, yes, it is her hand; I know it well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Madam, will you look at it? perhaps it may be forged. + +_Lady Mac._ No, sir, it is no forgery.--Well! after this, I think I shall +never trust human nature. + +_Sir Per._ Now, madam, what amends can you make me for countenancing your +son's passion for sic a strumpet? And you, sir, what have you to say for +your disobedience and your frenzy? O! Charles, Charles-- + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, be patient; compose yourself a moment: I will make you +any compensation in my power. + +_Sir Per._ Then instantly sign the articles of marriage. + +_Eger._ The lady, sir, has never yet been consulted; and I have some +reason to believe that her heart is engaged to another man. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, that is nai business of yours.--I know she will consent +and that's aw we are to consider.--O! here comes my lord. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Lord Lum._ Sir Pertinax, ever thing is ready, and the lawyers wait for +us. + +_Sir Per._ We attend your lordship. Where is Lady Rodolpha? + +_Lord Lum._ Giving some female consolation to poor Constantia.--Why, +my lady, ha, ha, ha! I hear your vestal has been flirting. + +_Sir Per._ Yes, yes, my lord, she is in vary guid order for any man +that wants a wife and an heir till his estate intill the bargain. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam._ Sir, there is a man below that wants to speak to your honour +upon particular business. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, I cannot speak till any body now--he must come another +time;--hand--stay--what--is he a gentleman? + +_Sam._ He looks something like one, sir--a sort of a gentleman--but +he seems to be in a kind of a passion, for when I asked his name, he +answered hastily, it is no matter, friend,--go, tell your master there is +a gentleman here that _must_ speak to him directly. + +_Sir Per._ Must! ha? vary peremptory indeed; pr'ythee, let's see him +for curiosity sake. [_Exit_ Sam. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA. + +_Lady Rod._ O! my Lady Macsycophant, I am come an humble advocate +for a weeping piece of female frailty, wha begs she may be permitted +to speak till your ladyship, before you finally reprobate her. + +_Sir Per._ I beg your pardon, Lady Rodolpha, but it must not be: +see her she shall not. + +_Lady Mac._ Nay, there can be no harm, my dear, in hearing what she has to +say for herself. + +_Sir Per._ I tell you, it shall not be. + +_Lady Mac._ Well, my dear, I have done. + + _Enter_ SAM _and_ MELVILLE. + +_Sam._ Sir, that is my master. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, sir, what is your urgent business with me? + +_Mel._ To shun disgrace, and punish baseness. + +_Sir Per._ Punish baseness! what does the fellow mean? Wha are you, sir? + +_Mel._ A man, sir--and one, whose fortune once bore as proud a sway as any +within this county's limits. + +_Lord Lum._ You seem to be a soldier, sir. + +_Mel._ I was, sir; and have the soldier's certificate to prove my +service--rags and scars. In my heart, for ten long years in India's +parching clime I bore my country's cause; and in noblest dangers sustained +it with my sword: at length ungrateful peace has laid me down where +welcome war first took me up,--in poverty, and the dread of cruel +creditors.--Paternal affection brought me to my native land, in quest of +an only child:--I found her, as I thought, amiable as parental fondness +could desire; but lust and foul seduction have snatched her from me, +and hither am I come, fraught with a father's anger, and a soldier's +honour, to seek the seducer and glut revenge. + +_Lady Mac._ Pray, sir, who is your daughter? + +_Mel._ I blush to own her--but--Constantia. + +_Eger._ Is Constantia your daughter, sir? + +_Mel._ She is; and was the only comfort that nature, fortune, or my own +extravagance had left me. + +_Sir Per._ Guid traith, then, I fancy you will find but vary little +comfort fra her, for she is nai better than she shou'd be.--She has had +nai damage in this mansion. I am told she is with bairn, but you may gang +till Hadley, till one farmer Hodges's, and there you may learn the whole +story, and wha the father of the bairn is, fra a cheeld they call +Melville. + +_Mel._ Melville! + +_Sir Per._ Yes, sir, Melville. + +_Mel._ O! would to heaven she had no crime to answer, but her commerce +with Melville.--No, sir, he is not the man; it is your son, your Egerton, +that has seduced her; and here, sir, are the evidence of his seduction. + +_Eger._ Of my seduction! + +_Mel._ Of yours, sir, if your name be Egerton. + +_Eger._ I am that man, sir; but pray, what is your evidence? + +_Mel._ These bills, and these gorgeous jewels, not to be had in her menial +state, but at the price of chastity.--Not an hour since she sent them-- +impudently sent them--by a servant of this house--contagious infamy +started from their touch. + +_Eger._ Sir, perhaps you may be mistaken concerning the terms on which she +received them.--Do you but clear her conduct with Melville, and I will +instantly satisfy your fears concerning the jewels and her virtue. + +_Mel._ Sir, you give me new life: you are my better angel. I believe in +your words--your looks:--know then, I am that Melville. + +_Sir Per._ How, sir! you that Melville, that was at farmer Hodges's? + +_Mel._ The same, sir: it was he brought my Constantia to my arms; lodged +and secreted me--once my lowly tenant--now my only friend. The fear of +inexorable creditors made me change my name from Harrington to Melville, +till I could see and consult some who once called themselves my friends. + +_Eger._ Sir, suspend your fears and anger but for a few minutes; I will +keep my word with you religiously, and bring your Constantia to your arms, +as virtuous, and as happy as you could wish her. [_Exit with Lady_ Mac. + +_Sir Per._ The clearing up of this wench's virtue is damned unlucky: I am +afraid it will ruin aw our affairs again:--However, I have one stroke +still in my head that will secure the bargain with my lord, let matters +gang as they will. [_Aside._] But I wonder, Maister Melville, that you did +nai pick up some little matter of siller in the Indies; ah! there have +been bonny fortunes snapt up there, of late years, by some of the military +blades. + +_Mel._ It is very true, sir: but it is an observation among soldiers, that +there are some men who never meet with any thing in the service but blows +and ill fortune.--I was one of those, even to a proverb. + +_Sir Per._ Ah! 'tis pity, sir, a great pity now, that you did nai get a +Mogul, or some sic an animal, intill your clutches. Ah! I should like to +have the strangling of a Nabob, the rummaging of his gold dust, his jewel +closet, and aw his magazines of bars and ingots. Ha, ha, ha!--guid traith +naw, sic an a fellow would be a bonny cheeld to bring till this town, and +to exhibit him riding on an elephant: upon honour, a man might raise a +poll-tax by him, that would gang near to pay the debts of the nation. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, CONSTANTIA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Eger._ Sir, I promised to satisfy your fears concerning your daughter's +virtue; and my best proof to you, and all the world, that I think her not +only the most chaste, but the most deserving of her sex, is, that I have +made her the partner of my heart, and the tender guardian of my earthly +happiness for life. + +_Sir Per._ How! married! + +_Eger._ I know, sir, at present we shall meet your anger; but time, +reflection, and our dutiful conduct, we hope, will reconcile you to our +happiness. + +_Sir Per._ Never, never--and could I make you, her, and aw your issue, +beggars, I would move hell, heaven, and earth, to do it. + +_Lord Lum._ Why, Sir Pertinax, this is a total revolution, and will +entirely ruin my affairs. + +_Sir Per._ My lord, with the consent of your lordship, and Lady Rodolpha, +I have an expedient to offer, that will not only punish that rebellious +villain, but answer every end that your lordship and the lady proposed by +the intended match with him. + +_Lord Lum._ I doubt it much, Sir Pertinax--I doubt it much:--But what is +it, sir?--What is your expedient? + +_Sir Per._ My lord, I have another son, and, provided the lady and your +lordship have nai objection till him, every article of that rebel's +intended marriage shall be amply fulfilled upon Lady Rodolpha's union with +my younger son. + +_Lord Lum._ Why that is an expedient indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But what say +you, Rodolpha? + +_Lady Rod._ Nay, nay, my lord, as I had nai reason to have the least +affection till my cousin Egerton, and as my intended marriage with him was +entirely an act of obedience till my grandmother, provided my cousin Sandy +will be as agreeable till her ladyship as my cousin Charles here wou'd +have been,--I have nai the least objection till the change. Ay, ay! one +brother is as guid till Rodolpha as another. + +_Sir Per._ I'll answer, madam, for your grandmother.--Now, my lord, what +say you? + +_Lord Lum._ Nay, Sir Pertinax, so the agreement stands, all is right +again. Come, child, let us begone.--Ay, ay, so my affairs are made easy, +it is equal to me whom she marries.--I say, Sir Pertinax, let them be but +easy, and rat me, if I care if she concorporates with the Cham of Tartary. +[_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ As to you, my Lady Macsycophant, I suppose you concluded, +before you gave your consent till this match, that there wou'd be an end +of aw intercourse betwixt you and me.--Live with your Constantia, madam, +your son, and that black sheep there.--Live with them.--You shall have a +jointure, but not a bawbee besides, living or dead, shall you, or any of +your issue, ever see of mine;--and so, my vengeance light upon you aw +together. [_Exit._ + +_Lady Rod._ Weel, cousin Egerton, in spite of the ambitious frenzy of your +father, and the thoughtless dissipation of mine, Don Cupid has at last +carried his point in favour of his devotees.--But I must now take my +leave.--Lady Macsycophant, your most obedient.--Maister Sidney, yours.-- +Permit me, Constantia, to have the honour of congratulating myself on our +alliance. + +_Con._ Madam, I shall ever study to deserve and to return this kindness. + +_Lady Rod._ I am sure you will.--But ah!--I neglect my poor Sandy aw this +while! and, guid traith, mine ain heart begins to tell me what his feels, +and chides me for tarrying so long.--I will therefore fly till him on the +wings of love and guid news;--for I am sure the poor lad is pining with +the pip of expectation and anxious jeopardy. And so, guid folks, I will +leave you with the fag end of an auld North-Country wish:--'May mutual +love and guid humour be the guests of your hearts, the theme of your +tongues, and the blithsome subjects of aw your tricksey dreams through the +rugged road of this deceitful world; and may our fathers be an example +till ourselves to treat our bairns better than they have treated us.' +[_Exit._ + +_Eger._ You seem melancholy, sir. + +_Mel._ These precarious turns of fortune, sir, will press upon the +heart,--for, notwithstanding my Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers-- +I own I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misfortunes should be the +cause of any disagreement between a father, and the man to whom I am under +the most endearing obligations. + +_Eger._ You have no share in his disagreement; for had not you been born, +from my father's nature, some other cause of his resentment must have +happened.--But for a time at least, sir, and, I hope, for life, affliction +and angry vicissitudes have taken their leaves of us all.--If affluence +can procure content and ease, they are within our reach.--My fortune is +ample, and shall be dedicated to the happiness of this domestic circle.-- + + _My scheme, tho' mock'd by knave, coquet, and fool, + To thinking minds will prove this golden rule; + In all pursuits, but chiefly in a wife, + Not wealth, but morals, make the happy life._ + + +FINIS. + + + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +E.N. HOOKER +University of California, Los Angeles + +R.C. BOYS +University of Michigan + +JOHN LOFTIS +University of California, Los Angeles + +The society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. 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Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT: _Poems_. + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY: _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY: _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). (Facsimile +of first edition and of portions of Gray's manuscripts of the poem). + + * * * * * + +To The Augustan Reprint Society +_William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ +_2205 West Adams Boulevard_ +_Los Angeles 18, California_ + +_Subscriber's Name and Address_: +_____________________________________ +_____________________________________ +_____________________________________ + +_As_ MEMBERSHIP FEE _I enclose for the years marked_: + +The current year $2.50 +The current & the 4th year 5.00 +The current, 3rd, & 4th year 7.50 +The current, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th year 10.00 +The current, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th year 11.50 +(_Publications No. 3 & 4 are out of print_) + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + +NOTE: _All income of the Society is devoted to defraying cost of printing +and mailing._ + + + + + PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +First Year (1946-1947) + +1. Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's-Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams,_ translated by J.V. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/14463-8.zip b/old/14463-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d238cb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14463-8.zip diff --git a/old/14463.txt b/old/14463.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..720dfe9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14463.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3735 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Man Of The World (1792), by Charles Macklin + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Of The World (1792) + +Author: Charles Macklin + +Release Date: December 25, 2004 [EBook #14463] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MAN OF THE WORLD (1792) *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Charles Bidwell and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +The Augustan Reprint Society + + +Charles Macklin +THE MAN OF THE WORLD +(1792) + +With an Introduction by +Dougald MacMillan + + +Publication Number 26 + +Los Angeles +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library +University of California +1951 + + + + +_GENERAL EDITORS_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER, _Clark Memorial Library_ +RICHARD C. BOYS, _University of Michigan_ +EDWARD NILES HOOKER, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +JOHN LOFTIS, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + +_ASSISTANT EDITOR_ + +W. EARL BRITTON, _University of Michigan_ + + +_ADVISORY EDITORS_ + +EMMETT L. AVERY, _State College of Washington_ +BENJAMIN BOYCE, _Duke University_ +LOUIS I. BREDVOLD, _University of Michigan_ +CLEANTH BROOKS, _Yale University_ +JAMES L. CLIFFORD, _Columbia University_ +ARTHUR FRIEDMAN, _University of Chicago_ +SAMUEL H. MONK, _University of Minnesota_ +ERNEST MOSSNER, _University of Texas_ +JAMES SUTHERLAND, _Queen Mary College, London_ +H.T. SWEDENBERG, JR., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +During his extraordinarily long career as an actor, Charles Macklin wrote +several plays. The earliest is _King Henry VII; or, The Popish Imposter_, +a tragedy based on the Perkin Warbeck story, performed at Drury Lane 18 +January 1745/6 and published the same year. As the Preface states, it "was +design'd as a Kind of Mirror to the present Rebellion"; and it provided +the author with a part in which he could express, through the character of +Lord Huntley, his own aversion to foreign influences in the land, to +"_French_ and Priest-rid Weakness" and "Romish Tyranny." This and his +succeeding plays were obviously composed to provide parts for himself; so +no others were published until he had retired. They were his stock in +trade, since Macklin seldom maintained a stable connection with one of the +theatres. Instead he appeared now here now there for brief engagements or +on special occasions, rather than as a regular member of the company, +often carrying his plays with him. Thus a number have survived only in +manuscript. The Larpent Collection contains seven,--the tragedy just +mentioned, four farces, and two five-act comedies, one of these in three +states.[1] This is _The Man of the World_ here reproduced for the first +time in over a century and a half, despite the opinion expressed by Isaac +Reed, in 1782, that "This play, ... in respect to originality, force of +mind, and well-adapted satire, may dispute the palm with any dramatic +piece that has appeared within the compass of half a century...."[2] +Originally it had been performed in Dublin in 1764 under the title _The +True-born Scotchman_, but in 1770 the Examiner of Plays in London refused +to license it. It was re-submitted in 1779 and again forbidden, but was +finally allowed and performed at Covent Garden on 10 May 1781, with the +author in the part of Sir Pertinax Macsycophant. + +Himself irascible and passionate, Macklin had been the most admired +Shylock of his century. His specialty was the performance of character +parts, often dialect roles, either broadly comic or cruel and ironic. The +central figure of this, his best comedy, is such a part. It combines those +features that the author could portray so effectively, the broad dialect, +the callous selfishness, the hypocrisy, the passionate resistance to all +appeals to sentiment and the imperviousness to affection. One can detect +in the creation strong resemblances to Macklin's interpretation of +Shylock, something of Sir Giles Overreach, who was also known to +eighteenth-century play-goers, and possibly of Tartuffe. In his resolute +defiance of the conventions of comedy of sensibility, Macklin resisted the +pressure to allow Sir Pertinax to soften in the end and terminate the play +on a note of happy reconciliation and family harmony. + +In thus preserving the toughness of Sir Pertinax consistently to the end, +Macklin remained true to the tradition of critical, satiric comedy that he +had been bred in but that by this time had almost disappeared. Protesting +against the refusal of a license for his play, in 1779, Macklin composed a +defense of satiric comedy. He insists upon the reformatory function of +comedy and upon the satiric method of performing this task. "The business +of the Stage," he says, "is to correct vice, and laugh at folly ... This +piece is in support of virtue, morality, decency, and the Laws of the +Land: it satirizes both public and private venality, and reprobates +inordinate passions and tyrannical conduct in a parent ... Now, with +regard to my comedy is it not just and salutary that the subtilty [_sic_], +pride, insolence, cunning, and the thorough-paced villany [_sic_] of a +backbiting Scotchman should be ridiculed? What a wretched state the Comic +Muse and the Stage would be reduced to, were the prohibition of laughing +at the corruption and other vices of the age to prevail!"[3] True the +Comic +Muse, long sick, as Garrick said in his prologue to _She Stoops to +Conquer_, had almost died, though farces had done something to sustain +her. Fielding's and Garrick's little satires had largely avoided +sentiment; and the personal, often gross farces of Foote had continued to +use ridicule. But even these lack the forceful pertinacity of Macklin's +denunciation of hypocrisy and vice. It is perhaps too bad that he fell so +far into caricature in the portraits of Lord Lumbercourt and his daughter, +that the main love stories do smack of sensibility, and that he turned his +hero into a mouthpiece for the opposition to the Tory ministries of the +early years of George III. And it is perhaps true that all the characters, +including Sir Pertinax, are more true to the theatre than to the actual +life of the last quarter of the eighteenth century. Still, Sir Pertinax is +vigorous, and the author's position is unmistakable. + +The earliest portion of _The Man of the World_ in the Larpent Collection +is a passage in the fourth act of _The School for Husbands_, performed at +Covent Garden as _The Married Libertine_ on 28 January 1761, twenty years +before _The Man of the World_ was finally presented in London. Elsewhere I +have compared the three complete versions submitted to the Examiner and +have shown why the Lord Chamberlain could not permit it to be licensed.[4] + +_The Man of the World_ was first published in England, with Macklin's +farce _Love a la Mode_, by subscription, in a handsome quarto. Facing the +title-page is a portrait of the author, "in his 93.^d Year," engraved by +John Conde after Opie, for which the trustees of the fund paid 25 guineas. +Preceding the text of the play are the list of subscribers, which contains +many eminent names, an "Advertisement from the Editor," explaining the +occasion and method of publication and giving an account of the handling +of the fund by the trustees, and a dedication to Lord Camden, dated 10 +December 1792, and signed by Macklin, though one rather suspects that +Arthur Murphy had a hand in its composition. These pieces of front matter +have been omitted from the present reproduction as containing nothing +material to the reading or interpretation of the play. The _Dramatis +Personae_ follow, and the text begins with signature B page 1, and runs to +signature K2^{V}. _Love a la Mode_, not reprinted here, then follows, +with separate title-page and pagination. + +Dougald MacMillan + +The University of North Carolina + + + Notes to the Introduction + +[Footnote 1: See _Catalogue of the Larpent Plays in the Huntington +Library_ (1939), Nos. 55, 58, 64, 96, 184, 274, 311, 500, 558.] + +[Footnote 2: _Biographia Dramatica_ (1812), III, 15.] + +[Footnote 3: Quoted by Edward Abbot Parry, _Charles Macklin_ (1891), p. +179.] + +[Footnote 4: See _The Huntington Library Bulletin_, No. 10 (October, +1936), pp. 79-101.] + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +A COMEDY. + + +BY + +MR. CHARLES MACKLIN. + + +AS PERFORMED AT THE + +_THEATRES-ROYAL, DRURY-LANE AND COVENT-GARDEN_. + + +_LONDON_: + + +PRINTED BY J. BELL, BOOKSELLER TO HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS +THE PRINCE OF WALES, +AT THE BRITISH LIBRARY, STRAND. + + +MDCCXCIII. + + + +[Illustration: CHARLES MACKLIN (COMEDIAN) _in his 93d. Year_. + +Printed for the Author by John Bell British Library London July 1792] + + + +_Dramatis Personae_. + +COVENT-GARDEN. + + +Men. + +_SIR PERTINAX MACSYCOPHANT_, MR. WILSON. +_EGERTON_, MR. LEWIS. +_LORD LUMBERCOURT_ MR. THOMPSON. +_SIDNEY_, MR. AICKIN. +_MELVILLE_, MR. HULL. +_COUNSELLOR PLAUSIBLE_ MR. CUBITT. +_SERJEANT EITHERSIDE_, MR. MACREADY. +_SAM_, MR. LEDGER. +_JOHN_, MR. ROCK +_TOMLINS_, MR. EVATT. + + +Women + +_LADY MACSYCOPHANT_ MISS. PLATT. +_LADY RODOLPHA LUMBERCOURT_, MRS. POPE. +_CONSTANTIA_, MRS. MOUNTAIN. +_BETTY HINT_, MRS. ROCK. +_NANNY_, MRS. DEVERETT. + + + + +THE MAN OF THE WORLD. + + +_ACT I. SCENE I_. + + _A Library_. _Enter_ BETTY _and_ SAM. + + +_Betty_. The Postman is at the gate, Sam; pray step and take in the +letters. + +_Sam_. John the gardener is gone for them, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. Bid John bring them to me, Sam: tell him I am here in the Library. + +_Sam_. I'll send him to your ladyship in a crack, madam. [_Exit_. + + + _Enter_ NANNY. + +_Nan_. Miss Constantia desires to speak to you, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. How is she now? any better, Nanny? + +_Nan_. Something; but very low spirited still. I verily believe it is as +you say. + +_Bet_. O! I would take my book oath of it. I can not be deceived in that +point, Nanny.--Ay, ay, her business is done, she is certainly breeding, +depend upon it. + +_Nan_. Why so the housekeeper thinks too. + +_Bet_. Nay, I know the father--the man that ruined her. + +_Nan_. The deuce you do? + +_Bet_. As sure as you are alive, Nanny;--or I am greatly deceived,--and +yet--I can't be deceived neither.--Was not that the cook that came +gallopping so hard over the common just now? + +_Nan_. The same:--how very hard he gallopped;---he has been but three +quarters of an hour, he says, coming from Hyde Park Corner. + +_Bet_. And what time will the family be down? + + +_Nan._ He has orders to have dinner ready by five; there are to be lawyers +and a great deal of company here--he fancies there is to be a private +wedding to night between our young Master Charles and Lord Lumbercourt's +Daughter, the Scotch lady, who he says is just come post from Bath in +order to be married to him. + +_Bet._ Ay, ay--Lady Rodolpha--nay, like enough--for I know it has been +talked of a good while;--well, go tell Miss Constantia that I will be with +her immediately. + +_Nan._ I shall, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Soh! I find they all believe the impertinent creature is +breeding--that's pure! it will soon reach my lady's ears, I warrant. + + + _Enter_ JOHN. + +Well, John, ever a letter for me? + +_John._ No, Mrs. Betty, but here is one for Miss Constantia. + +_Bet._ Give it me.--Hum!--my lady's hand. + +_John._ And here is one which the postman says is for my young master--but +it's a strange direction. [_reads._] '_To_ Charles Egerton, _Esq._' + +_Bet._ O! yes, yes,--that is for Master Charles, John:--for he has dropped +his father's name of Macsycophant, and has taken up that of Egerton--the +parliament has ordered it. + +_John._ The parliament!--pr'ythee, why so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet._ Why you must know, John, that my lady, his mother, was an Egerton +by her father:--she stole a match with our old master, for which all her +family on both sides have hated Sir Pertinax and the whole crew of the +Macsycophants ever since. + +_John._ Except Master Charles, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet._ O! they dote upon him, though he is a Macsycophant--he is the pride +of all my lady's family:--and so, John,--my lady's uncle, Sir Stanley +Egerton dying an old bachelor, and, as I said before, mortally hating our +old master, and all the crew of the Macsycophants, left his whole estate +to Master Charles, who was his godson,--but on condition that he should +drop his father's name of Macsycophant, and take up that of Egerton--and +that is the reason, John, why the parliament has made him change his name. + +_John._ I am glad that Master Charles has got the estate, however--for he +is a sweet tempered gentleman. + +_Bet._ As ever lived:--but come, John, as I know you love Miss Constantia, +and are fond of being where she is--I will make you happy;--you shall +carry her letter to her. + +_John._ Shall I, Mrs. Betty?--I am very much obliged to you.--Where is +she? + +_Bet._ In the housekeeper's room settling the dessert.--Give me Mr. +Egerton's letter, and I'll leave it on the table in his dressing room. I +see it's from his brother Sandy.--So,--now go and deliver your letter to +your sweetheart, John. + +_John._ That I will;--and I am much beholden to you for the favour of +letting me carry it to her:--for though she should never have me, yet I +shall always love her, and wish to be near her, she is so sweet a +creature.--Your servant, Mrs. Betty. [_Exit._ + +_Bet._ Your servant, John. Ha, ha, ha! poor fellow! he perfectly dotes on +her--and daily follows her about with nosegays and fruit and the first of +every thing in the season.--Ay, and my young Master Charles too is in as +bad a way as the gardener:--in short--every body loves her,--and that's +one reason why I hate her.--For my part, I wonder what the deuce the men +see in her--a creature that was taken in for charity.--I am sure she's not +so handsome.--I wish she was out of the family once:--if she was, I might +then stand a chance of being my lady's favourite myself;--ay, and perhaps +of getting one of my young masters for a sweetheart,--or at least the +chaplain: but as to him, there would be no such great catch if I should +get him. I will try for him however,--and my first step shall be to tell +the doctor all I have discovered about Constantia's intrigues with her +spark at Hadley.--Yes,--that will do,--for the doctor loves to talk with +me,--loves to hear _me_ talk too,--and I verily believe--he, he, he!--that +he has a sneaking kindness for me,--and this story will make him have a +good opinion of my honesty,--and that, I am sure, will be one step +towards----O! bless me,--here he comes,--and my young master with him.-- +I'll watch an opportunity to speak to him as soon as he is alone,--for I +will blow her up I am resolved,--as great a favourite and as cunning as +she is. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ EGERTON _in great warmth and emotion_; + SIDNEY _following, as in conversation_. + +_Sid_. Nay, dear Charles, but why are you so impetuous?--why do you break +from me so abruptly? + +_Eger. [With great warmth_.] I have done, sir,--you have refused.--I have +nothing more to say upon the subject.--I am satisfied. + +_Sid. [With a glow of tender friendship_.] Come, come--correct this +warmth,--it is the only weak ingredient in your nature, and you ought to +watch it carefully. If I am wrong,--I will submit without reserve;--but +consider the nature of your request--and how it would affect me:--from +your earliest youth, your father has honoured me with the care of your +education, and the general conduct of your mind; and, however singular and +morose his temper may be to others,--to me--he has ever been respectful +and liberal.--I am now under his roof too,--and because I will not abet an +unwarrantable passion by an abuse of my sacred character, in marrying you +beneath your rank,--and in direct opposition to your father's hopes and +happiness,--you blame me--you angrily break from me--and call me unkind. + +_Eger. [With tenderness and conviction_.] Dear Sidney,--for my warmth I +stand condemned: but for my marriage with Constantia, I think I can +justify it upon every principle of filial duty,--honour,--and worldly +prudence. + +_Sid_. Only make that appear, Charles, and you know you may command me. + +_Eger. [With great filial regret_.] I am sensible how unseemly it appears +in a son to descant on the unamiable passions of a parent;--but, as we are +alone, and friends,--I cannot help observing in my own defence,--that when +a father will not allow the use of reason to any of his family--when his +pursuit of greatness makes him a slave abroad--only to be a tyrant at +home,--when a narrow partiality to Scotland, on every trivial occasion, +provokes him to enmity even with his wife and children, only because they +dare give a national preference where they think it most justly due;--and +when, merely to gratify his own ambition, he would marry his son into a +family he detests,--[_great warmth_.] sure, Sidney, a son thus +circumstanced (from the dignity of human reason and the feelings of a +loving heart) has a right--not only to protest against the blindness of a +parent, but to pursue those measures that virtue and happiness point out. + +_Sid_. The violent temper of Sir Pertinax, I own, cannot be defended on +many occasions, but still--your intended alliance with Lord Lumbercourt-- + +_Eger_. [_With great impatience._] O! contemptible!--a trifling, quaint, +haughty, voluptuous, servile tool,--the mere lackey of party and +corruption; who, for the prostitution of near thirty years and the ruin of +a noble fortune, has had the despicable satisfaction, and the infamous +honour--of being kicked up and kicked down--kicked in and kicked out,-- +just as the insolence, compassion, or convenience of leaders +predominated:--and now--being forsaken by all parties, his whole political +consequence amounts to the power of franking a letter, and the right +honourable privilege of not paying a tradesman's bill. + +_Sid_. Well, but, dear Charles, you are not to wed my lord,--but his +daughter. + +_Eger_. Who is as disagreeable to me for a companion, as her father for a +friend, or an ally. + +_Sid_. What--her Scotch accent, I suppose, offends you? + +_Eger_. No, upon my honour--not in the least,--I think it entertaining in +her;--but were it otherwise--in decency--and indeed in national affection +(being a Scotchman myself), I can have no objection to her on that +account,--besides, she is my near relation. + +_Sid_. So I understand. But pray, Charles, how came Lady Rodolpha, who, I +find, was born in England, to be bred in Scotland? + +_Eger_. From the dotage of an old, formal, obstinate, stiff, rich, Scotch +grandmother, who, upon a promise of leaving this grandchild all her +fortune, would have the girl sent to her to Scotland, when she was but a +year old, and there has she been ever since, bred up with this old lady in +all the vanity and unlimited indulgence that fondness and admiration could +bestow on a spoiled child--a fancied beauty and a pretended wit. + +_Sid_. O! you are too severe upon her. + +_Eger_. I do not think so, Sidney; for she seems a being expressly +fashioned by nature to figure in these days of levity and dissipation:-- +her spirits are inexhaustible: her parts strong and lively; with a +sagacity that discerns, and a talent not unhappy in painting out the weak +side of whatever comes before her:--but what raises her merit to the +highest pitch in the laughing world is her boundless vanity and spirits in +the exertion of those talents, which often render her much more ridiculous +than the most whimsical of the characters she exposes--[_in a tone of +friendly affection._] and is _this_ a woman fit to make _my_ happiness?-- +_this_ the partner that Sidney would recommend to me for life?--to _you_, +who best know me, I appeal. + +_Sid_. Why, Charles, it is a delicate point,--unfit for _me_ to +determine--besides, your father has set his heart upon the match. + +_Eger_. [_Impatiently._] All that I know:--but still I ask and insist upon +your candid judgment,--is she the kind of woman that you think could +possibly contribute to my happiness? I beg you will give me an explicit +answer. + +_Sid_. The subject is disagreeable;--but, since I must speak,--I do not +think she is. + +_Eger_. [_a start of friendly rapture._] I know you do not; and I am sure +you never will advise the match. + +_Sid_. I never did. I never will. + +_Eger_. [_With a start of joy._] You make me happy,--which I assure you I +never could be with your judgment against me in this point. + +_Sid_. And yet, Charles, give me leave to observe, that Lady Rodolpha, +with all her ridiculous and laughing vanity, has a goodness of heart, and +a kind of vivacity that not only entertains,--but upon seeing her two or +three times, she improves upon you; and when her torrent of spirits +abates, and she condescends to converse gravely--you really like her. + +_Eger_. Why ay! she is sprightly, good humoured, and, though whimsical, +and often too high in her colouring of characters, and in the trifling +business of the idle world,--yet I think she has principles, and a good +heart,--[_with a glow of conjugal tenderness._] but in a partner for life, +Sidney, (you know your own precept, and your own judgment)--affection, +capricious in its nature, must have something even in the external +manners,--nay in the very mode, not only of beauty, but of virtue itself-- +which both heart and judgment must approve, or our happiness in that +delicate point cannot be lasting. + +_Sid_. I grant it. + +_Eger_. And that mode,--that amiable essential I never can meet--but in +Constantia. You sigh. + +_Sid_. No. I only wish that Constantia had a fortune equal to yours. But +pray, Charles, suppose I had been so indiscreet as to have agreed to marry +you to Constantia--would _she_ have consented, think you? + +_Eger_. That I cannot say positively,--but I suppose so. + +_Sid_. Did you never speak to her upon that subject then? + +_Eger_. In general terms only;--never directly requested her consent in +form,--[_he starts into a warmth of amorous resolution._] but I will this +very moment--for I have no asylum from my father's arbitrary design, but +my Constantia's arms.--Pray do not stir from hence:--I will return +instantly. I know she will submit to your advice--and I am sure you will +persuade her to my wish, as my life, my peace, my earthly happiness, +depend on my Constantia. [_Exit._ + +_Sid_. Poor Charles! he little dreams that I love Constantia too,--but +to what degree I knew not myself, till he importuned me to join their +hands.--Yes--I love--but must not be a rival; for he is dear to me as +fraternal affinity:--my benefactor--my friend--and that name is sacred:-- +it is our better self; and ever ought to be preferred;--for the man who +gratifies his passions at the expence of his friend's happiness, wants but +a head to contrive--for he has a heart capable of the blackest vice. + + _Enter_ BETTY, _running up to_ Sidney. + +_Bet_. I beg pardon for my intrusion, sir. I hope, sir, I do not disturb +your reverence! + +_Sid_. Not in the least, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. I humbly beg you will excuse me, sir:--but I wanted to break my +mind to your honour--about a scruple that lies upon my conscience:--and +indeed I should not have presumed to trouble you, sir, but that I know you +are my young master's friend,--and my old master's friend,--and indeed--a +friend to the whole family: [_runs up to him and curtsies very low._] for +to give you your due, sir, you are as good a preacher as ever went into a +pulpit. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! do you think so, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. Ay, in truth do I; and as good a gentleman too as ever came into a +family, and one that never gives a servant a bad word, nor that does any +one an ill turn neither behind their back, nor before their face. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! why you are a mighty well spoken woman, Mrs. Betty, and +I am mightily beholden to you for your good character of me. + +_Bet_. Indeed, sir, it is no more than you deserve, and what all the world +and all the servants say of you. + +_Sid_. I am much obliged to them, Mrs. Betty.--But pray what are your +commands with me? + +_Bet_. Why, I'll tell you, sir:--to be sure I am but a servant, as a body +may say--and every tub should stand upon its own bottom;--but--[_she takes +hold of him familiarly, looks first about cautiously, and speaks in a +low familiar tone of great secrecy._] my young master is now in the china +room in close conference with Miss Constantia;--I know what they are +about--but that is no business of mine--and therefore I made bold to +listen a little--because you know, sir, one would be sure--before one took +away any body's reputation. + +_Sid_. Very true, Mrs. Betty,--very true indeed. + +_Bet_. O! heavens forbid that I should take away any young woman's good +name--unless I had a good reason for it; but, sir, [_with great +solemnity._] if I am in this place alive, as I listened, with my ear close +to the door,--I heard my young master ask Miss Constantia the plain +marriage question--upon which I started--and trembled--nay my very +conscience stirred within me so,--that I could not help peeping through +the key-hole. + +_Sid_. Ha, ha, ha! and so your conscience made you peep through the +key-hole, Mrs. Betty? + +_Bet_. It did indeed, sir:--and there I saw my young master upon his +knees--lord bless us--and what do you think he was doing?--kissing her +hand as if he would eat it--and protesting--and assuring her--he knew that +you, sir, would consent to the match--and then the tears ran down her +cheeks as fast-- + +_Sid._ Ay! + +_Bet._ They did indeed. I would not tell your reverence a lie for the +world. + +_Sid_. I believe it, Mrs. Betty--and what did Constantia say to all this? + +_Bet_. O!--O! she is sly enough; she looks as if butter would not melt in +her mouth; but all is not gold that glitters; smooth water, you know, sir, +runs deepest:--I am sorry my young master makes such a fool of himself-- +but--um!--take my word for it, he is not the man,--for though she looks as +modest as a maid at a christening--[_hesitating._] yet--ah!--when +sweethearts meet--in the dusk of the evening--and stay together a whole +hour--in the dark grove--and embrace--and kiss--and weep at parting,--why +then you know, sir, it is easy to guess all the rest. + +_Sid._ Why did Constantia meet any body in this manner? + +_Bet._ [_Starting with surprise_.] O! heavens!--I beg, sir, you will not +misapprehend me; for I assure you I do not believe they did any harm--that +is, not in the grove--at least, not when I was there;--and she may be +honestly married for aught I know.--O! lud! sir,--I would not say an ill +thing of Miss Constantia for the world,--for to be sure she is a good +creature:--'tis true, my lady took her in for charity, and indeed has bred +her up to the music and figures;--ay, and reading all the books about +Homer--and Paradise--and Gods and Devils,--and every thing in the world,-- +as if she had been a dutchess: but some people are born with luck in their +mouths, and then--as the saying is--you may throw them into the sea-- +[_deports herself most affedtedly._] but--if I had had dancing masters-- +and music masters--and French Mounseers to teach me--I believe I might +have read the globes, and the maps,--and have danced,--and have been as +clever as other folks. + +_Sid._ Ha, ha, ha! no doubt on it, Mrs. Betty;--but you mentioned +something of a dark walk,--kissing,--a sweetheart and Constantia. + +_Bet._ [_Starts into a cautious hypocrisy_.] O! lud! sir--I don't know any +thing of the matter: she may be very honest for aught I know: I only say, +that they did meet in the dark walk,--and all the servants observe that +Miss Constantia wears her stays very loose--looks very pale--is sick in a +morning, and after dinner: and, as sure as my name is Betty Hint, +something has happened that I won't name,--but--nine months hence--a +certain person in this family may ask me to stand godmother, for I think I +know what's what, when I see it as well as another. + +_Sid_. No doubt you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Cries, turns up her eyes, and acts a most friendly hypocrisy_.] I +do, indeed, sir. I am very sorry for Miss Constantia. I never thought she +would have taken such courses--for in truth I love her as if she was my +own sister; and though all the servants say that she is breeding--yet, for +my part, I don't believe it; but--one must speak according to one's +conscience, you know, sir. + +_Sid_. O! I see you do. + +_Bet_. [_Going and returning_.] I do indeed, sir: and so your servant, +sir--but--I hope your worship won't mention my name in this business;--or +that you had any _item_ from me. + +_Sid_. I shall not, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. For, indeed, sir, I am no busybody, nor do I love fending nor +proving; and, I assure you, sir, I hate all tittling and tattling, and +gossiping and backbiting, and taking away a person's good name. + +_Sid_. I observe you do, Mrs. Betty. + +_Set_. I do indeed, sir. I am the farthest from it in the world. + +_Sid_. I dare say you are. + +_Bet_. I am indeed, sir, and so your humble servant. + +_Sid_. Your servant, Mrs. Betty. + +_Bet_. [_Aside, in great exultation_.] So! I see he believes every word I +say,--that's charming. I'll do her business for her I am resolved. +[_Exit._ + +_Sid_. What can this ridiculous creature mean by her dark walk,--her +private spark, her kissing, and all her slanderous insinuations against +Constantia, whose conduct is as unblamable as innocence itself? I see envy +is as malignant in a paltry waiting wench, as in the vainest or most +ambitious lady of the court.--It is always an infallible mark of the +basest nature; and merit in the lowest, as well as in the highest station, +must feel the shaft of envy's constant agents--falsehood and slander. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, Mr. Egerton and Miss Constantia desire to speak with you in +the china room. + +_Sid_. Very well, Sam. [_Exit_ Sam.] I will not see them.--What is to be +done? inform his father of his intended marriage,--no--that must not be;-- +for the overbearing nature and ambitious policy of Sir Pertinax would +exceed all bounds of moderation; for he is of a sharp, shrewd, unforgiving +nature.--He has banished one son already, only for daring to differ from +his judgment concerning the merits of a Scotch and an English historian.-- +But this young man must not marry Constantia.--Would his mother were here! +She, I suppose, knows nothing of his indiscretion:--but she shall, the +moment she comes hither. I know it will offend him; no matter: it is our +duty to offend,--when that offence saves the man we love from a +precipitate action, which the world must condemn, and his own heart, +perhaps, upon reflection, for ever repent: yes,--I must discharge the duty +of my function, and of a friend,--though I am sure to lose the man, whom I +intend to serve. [_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FIRST ACT. + + + + +_ACT II. SCENE I_. + + + _Enter_ CONSTANTIA _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Con_. Mr. Sidney is not here, sir. + +_Eger_. I assure you I left him, and begged he would stay till I returned. + +_Con_. His prudence, you see, sir, has made him retire; therefore we had +better defer the subject till he is present; in the mean time, sir, I hope +you will permit me to mention an affair that has greatly alarmed and +perplexed me: I suppose you guess what it is. + +_Eger_. I do not, upon my word. + +_Con_. That is a little strange.--You know, sir, that you and Mr. Sidney +did me the honour of breakfasting with me this morning in my little study. + +_Eger_. We had that happiness, madam. + +_Con_. Just after you left me, upon opening my book of accompts, which lay +in the drawer of the reading desk, to my great surprise, I there found +this case of jewels, containing a most elegant pair of ear-rings, a +necklace of great value, and two bank bills in this pocket book, the +mystery of which, sir, I presume you can explain. + +_Eger_. I can. + +_Con_. They were of your conveying then? + +_Eger_. They were, madam. + +_Con_. I assure you they startled and alarmed me. + +_Eger_. I hope it was a kind alarm;--such as blushing virtue feels, when, +with her hand, she gives her heart and last consent. + +_Con_. It was not indeed, sir. + +_Eger_. Do not say so, Constantia: come--be kind at once;--my peace and +worldly bliss depend upon this moment. + +_Con_. What would you have me do? + +_Eger_. What love and virtue dictate. + +_Con_. O! sir, experience but too severely proves, that such unequal +matches as ours, never produce aught but contempt and anger in parents, +censure from the world, and a long train of sorrow and repentance in the +wretched parties,--which is but too often entailed upon their hapless +issue. + +_Eger_. But that, Constantia, can not be our case: my fortune is +independent and ample,--equal to luxury and splendid folly. I have a right +to choose the partner of my heart, + +_Con_. But I have not, sir.--I am a dependant on my lady,--a poor, +forsaken, helpless orphan--your benevolent mother found me--took me to her +bosom--and there supplied my parental loss--with every tender care-- +indulgent dalliance, and with all the sweet persuasion that maternal +fondness, religious precept, polished manners, and hourly example could +administer--she fostered me: [_weeps._] and shall I now turn viper,--and +with black ingratitude sting the tender heart that thus hath cherished me? +shall I seduce her house's heir, and kill her peace?--No--though I loved +to the mad extreme of female fondness; though every worldly bliss that +woman's vanity or man's ambition could desire, followed the indulgence of +my love--and all the contempt and misery of this life, the denial of that +indulgence--I would discharge my duty to my benefactress--my earthly +guardian, my more than parent. + +_Eger_. My dear Constantia, your prudence, your gratitude, and the cruel +virtue of your self-denial, do but increase my love, my admiration, and my +misery. + +_Con_. Sir, I must beg you will give me leave to return these bills and +jewels. + +_Eger_. Pray do not mention them:--sure my kindness and esteem may be +indulged so far without suspicion or reproach.--I beg you will accept of +them,--nay--I insist. + +_Con_. I have done, sir: my station here is to obey.--I know, sir, they +are gifts of a virtuous mind--and mine shall convert them to the +tenderest, and most grateful use. + +_Eger_. Hark! I hear a coach:--it is my father.--Dear girl, retire and +compose yourself.--I will send Sidney and my lady to you, and by their +judgment we will be directed: will that satisfy you? + +_Con_. I can have no will but my lady's.--With your leave I will retire; I +would not see her in this confusion. + +_Eger_. Dear girl, adieu! and think of love, of happiness, and the man who +never can be blest without you. [_Exit_ Constantia. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir Pertinax and my lady are come, sir,--and my lady desires to +speak with you in her own room:--oh! here she is, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +_Lady Mac_. [_In great confusion and distress._] Dear child, I am glad to +see you: why did you not come to town yesterday to attend the levee? your +father is incensed to the uttermost at your not being there. + +_Eger_. [_With great warmth._] Madam, it is with extreme regret I tell +you, that I can no longer be a slave to his temper, his politics, and his +scheme of marrying me to this woman,--therefore you had better consent at +once to my going out of the kingdom, and my taking Constantia with me, for +without her I never can be happy. + +_Lady Mac_. As you regard my peace, or your own character, I beg you will +not be guilty of so rash a step.--You promised me you never would marry +her without my consent.--I will open it to your father.--Pray, dear +Charles, be ruled:--let me prevail. + + _Sir_ PERTINAX. [_Without, in great anger._] + +_Sir Per_. Sir, wull ye do as ye are bid--and haud your gab, you rascal.-- +You are so full of gab, you scoundrel.--Take the chesnut gelding, I say, +and return to town directly, and see what is become of my Lord +Lumbercourt. + +_Lady Mac_. Here he comes.--I will get out of his way.--But I beg, +Charles, while he is in this ill humour that you will not oppose him, let +him say what he will--when his passion is a little cool, I will return, +and try to bring him to reason: but do not thwart him. + +_Eger_. Madam, I will not. [_Exit_ Lady Mac. + +_Sir Per_. [_Witbout._] Here, you Tomlins, where is my son Egerton? + +_Tom_. [_Without._] In the library, sir. + +_Sir Per_. [_Without._] As soon as the lawyers come, be sure bring me +word, [_Enters with great haughtiness, and in anger_. EGERTON _bows two or +three times most submissively low._] Weel, sir!--vary weel!--vary weel!-- +are nat ye a fine spark? are nat ye a fine spark, I say?--ah! you are a-- +so you wou'd not come up till the levee? + +_Eger_. Sir, I beg your pardon--but--I was not very well; besides I +did not think my presence there was necessary. + +_Sir Per_. [_Snapping him up._] Sir, it was necessary--I tauld you it was +necessary--and, sir, I must now tell you, that the whole tenor of your +conduct is most offensive. + +_Eger_. I am sorry you think so, sir; I am sure I do not intend to offend +you. + +_Sir Per_. I care not what you intend.--Sir, I tell you, you do offend. +What is the meaning of this conduct, sir? neglect the levee!--'sdeath, +sir, you--what is your reason, I say, for thus neglecting the levee, and +disobeying my commands? + +_Eger_. [_With a stifled, filial resentment._] Sir, I am not used to +levees: nor do I know how to dispose of myself,--nor what to say, or do, +in such a situation. + +_Sir Per_. [_With a proud, angry resentment._] Zounds! sir, do you nat see +what others do? gentle and simple,--temporal and spiritual,--lords, +members, judges, generals, and bishops,--aw crowding, bustling, and +pushing foremost intill the middle of the circle, and there waiting, +watching, and striving to catch a look or a smile fra the great mon,-- +which they meet--wi' an amicable reesibility of aspect--a modest cadence +of body, and a conciliating co-operation of the whole mon,--which +expresses an officious promptitude for his service--and indicates, that +they luock upon themselves as the suppliant appendages of his power, and +the enlisted Swiss of his poleetical fortune;--this, sir, is what you +ought to do,--and this, sir, is what I never once omitted for these five +and thraty years,--let who would be minister. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] Contemptible! + +_Sir Per_. What is that you mutter, sir? + +_Eger_. Only a slight reflection, sir, not relative to you. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, your absenting yourself fra the levee at this juncture is +suspeecious; it is looked upon as a kind of disaffection,--and aw your +countrymen are highly offended at your conduct,----for, sir, they do not +look upon you as a friend or a well-wisher either to Scotland or +Scotchmen. + +_Eger_. [_With a quick warmth._] Then, sir, they wrong me, I assure you,-- +but pray, sir, in what particular can I be charged--either with coldness +or offence to my country? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, ever since your mother's uncle, Sir Stanly Egerton, +left you this three thousand pounds a year, and that you have, in +compliance with his will, taken up the name of Egerton, they think you are +grown proud;--that you have estranged yourself fra the Macsycophants--have +associated with your mother's family--with the opposeetion, and with those +who do not wish well till Scotland;----besides, sir, the other day, in a +conversation at dinner at your cousin Campbel M'Kenzie's, before a whole +table-full of your ain relations, did not you publicly wish a total +extinguishment of aw party, and of aw national distinctions whatever, +relative to the three kingdoms?--[_With great anger._] And you blockhead-- +was that a prudent wish before so many of your ain countrymen?--or was it +a filial language to hold before me? + +_Eger_. Sir, with your pardon, I cannot think it unfilial or imprudent. +[_With a most patriotic warmth._] I own I do wish--most ardently wish for +a total extinction of all party: particularly--that those of English, +Irish, and Scotch might never more be brought into contest or competition, +unless, like loving brothers, in generous emulation, for one common cause. + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! do you persist? what!--would you banish aw party, and +aw distinction between English, Irish, and your ain countrymen? + +_Eger_. [_With great dignity of spirit._] I would, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then damn you, sir,--you are nai true Scot.--Ay, sir, you may +look as angry as you will,--but again I say--you are nai true Scot. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir, I think he is the true Scot, and the true +citizen, who wishes equal justice to the merit and demerit of every +subject of Great Britain; amongst whom I know but of two distinctions. + +_Sir Per_. Weel sir, and what are those? what are those? + +_Eger_. The knave and the honest man. + +_Sir Per_. Pshaw! rideeculous. + +_Eger_. And he, who makes any other--let him be of the North, or of the +South--of the East, or of the West--in place, or out of place--is an enemy +to the whole, and to the virtues of humanity. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, sir, this is your brother's impudent doctrine--for the +which, I have banished him for ever fra my presence, my heart, and my +fortune.--Sir, I will have no son of mine, because truly he has been +educated in an English seminary, presume, under the mask of candour, to +speak against his native land, or against my principles. + +_Eger_. I never did--nor do I intend it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I do not believe you--I do not believe you.--But, sir, I +know your connections and associates, and I know too, you have a saucy, +lurking prejudice against your ain country:--you hate it;--yes, your +mother, her family, and your brother, sir, have aw the same, dark, +disaffected rankling; and, by that and their politics together, they will +be the ruin of you--themselves--and of aw who connect with them.--However, +nai mair of that now;--I will talk at large to you about that anon.--In +the mean while, sir--notwithstanding your contempt of my advice, and your +disobedience till my commands, I will convince you of my paternal +attention till _your_ welfare, by my management of this voluptuary--this +Lord Lumbercourt,--whose daughter you are to marry. You ken, sir, that the +fellow has been my patron above these five and thraty years., + +_Eger_. True, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel.--And now, sir, you see, by his prodigality, he is +become my dependent; and accordingly I have made my bargain with him:--the +devil a baubee he has in the world but what comes thro' these clutches-- +for his whole estate, which has three implicit boroughs upon it,--mark--is +now in my custody at nurse;--the which estate, on my paying off his debts, +and allowing him a life rent of five thousand pounds per annum, is to be +made over till me for my life, and at my death is to descend till ye and +your issue.--The peerage of Lumbercourt, you ken, will follow of course.-- +So, sir, you see there are three impleecit boroughs, the whole patrimony +of Lumbercourt, and a peerage at one slap.--Why it is a stroke--a hit--a +hit.----Zounds! sir, a mon may live a century and not make sic an a hit +again. + +_Eger_. It is a very advantageous bargain indeed, sir:--but what will my +lord's family say to it? + +_Sir Per_. Why, mon, he cares not if his family were aw at the devil so +his luxury is but gratified:--only let him have his race-horse to feed his +vanity--his harridan to drink drams with him, scrat his face, and burn his +periwig, when she is in her maudlin hysterics,--and three or four +discontented patriotic dependents to abuse the ministry, and settle the +affairs of the nation, when they are aw intoxicated; and then, sir,:--the +fellow has aw his wishes, and aw his wants--in this world--and the next. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Lady Rodolpha is come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And my lord? + +_Tom_. Not yet, sir,--he is about a mile behind, the servants say. + +_Sir Per_. Let me know the instant he arrives. + +_Tom_. I shall, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Step you out, Charles, and receive Lady Rodolpha;--and, I +desire you will treat her with as much respect and gallantry as possible; +for my lord has hinted that you have been very remiss as a lover.--So go, +go and receive her. + +_Eger_. I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel,--vary weel;--a guid lad: go--go and receive her as a +lover should. [_Exit_ Egerton.] Hah! I must keep a devilish tight hand +upon this fallow, I see,--or he will be touched with the patriotic frenzy +of the times, and run counter till aw my designs.--I find he has a strong +inclination to have a judgment of his ain, independent of mine, in aw +political matters;--but as soon as I have finally settled the marriage +writings with my lord, I will have a thorough expostulation with my +gentleman, I am resolved,--and fix him unalterably in his political +conduct.--Ah!--I am frighted out of my wits, lest his mother's family +should seduce him to desert to their party, which would totally ruin my +whole scheme, and break my heart.--A fine time of day for a blockhead to +turn patriot;--when the character is exploded--marked--proscribed;--why +the common people--the vary vulgar--have found out the jest, and laugh at +a patriot now-a-days,---just as they do at a conjurer,--a magician,--or +any other impostor in society.-- + + _Enter_ TOMLINS, _and Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Tom_. Lord Lumbercourt. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir Pertinax, I kiss your hand. + +_Sir Per_. Your lordship's most devoted. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, you stole a march upon me this morning;--gave me the +slip, Mac;--tho' I never wanted your assistance more in my life.--I +thought you would have called on me. + +_Sir Per_. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of pardons for leaving town +before you; but you ken that your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it +that we should meet this morning at the levee. + +_Lord Lum_. That I acknowledge, Mac.--I did promise to be there, I own. + +_Sir Per_. You did, indeed.--And accordingly I was at the levee and waited +there till every soul was gone, and, seeing you did not come, I concluded +that your lordship was gone before. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, to confess the truth, my dear Mac, those old sinners, +Lord Freakish, General Jolly, Sir Antony Soaker, and two or three more of +that set, laid hold of me last night at the opera,--and, as the General +says, 'from the intelligence of my head this morning,' I believe we drank +pretty deep ere we departed; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that party, my lord, I do not +wonder at not seeing your lordship at the levee, + +_Lord Lum_. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow let me sleep too long +for the levee.--But I wish I had seen you before you left town--I wanted +you dreadfully. + +_Sir Per_. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the way:--but on what +account did you want me? + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair.--And, ha, ha, ha! yet I +cann't help laughing at it neither--tho' it vext me confoundedly. + +_Sir Per_. Vext you, my lord! Zounds, I wish I had been with you:--but, +for heaven's sake, my lord,--what was it, that could possibly vex your +lordship? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning rascal, Mahogany, my +upholsterer.--You know the fellow? + +_Sir Per_. Perfectly, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. The impudent scoundrel has sued me up to some damned kind of +a--something or other in the law, that I think they call an execution. + +_Sir Per_. The rascal! + +_Lord Lum_. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of asking pardon--ha, ha, +ha! had the modesty to wait on me two or three days ago, to inform my +honour--ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to dignify me,--that the execution +was now ready to be put in force against my honour;--but that out of +respect to my honour--as he had taken a great deal of my honour's money-- +he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till he had first informed my +honour, because he was not willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son +of a whore! + +_SirPer_. I never heard of so impudent a dog. + +_Lord Lum_. Now, my dear Mac,--ha, ha, ha! as the scoundrel's apology was +so very satisfactory, and his information so very agreeable--I told him +that, in honour, I thought that my honour cou'd not do less than to order +his honour to be paid immediately. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel +till the full, I think, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great +composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner +of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and +another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good +drubbing as long as the stick lasted. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I +heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought +the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the +soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my +servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged +the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two +that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord +Chief Justice. + +_Sir Per_. The devil! + +_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two +other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged +my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise. + +_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage? + +_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize +it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer. + +_Sir Per_. An impudent villain! + +_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a +damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their +debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a +scandal, dear Mac. to the nation? + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance. + +_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a +grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun, +and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might +extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a +few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the +affair happened. + +_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon +of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics +through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws +shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us. + +_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel +has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from +the opera. + +_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that +the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses. + +_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all +events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to +town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings. + +_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord. + +_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour. + +_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost +stretch of my abeelity. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no +family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not +inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with +you. + +_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know +them? + +_LordLum._ By sight only. + +_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business. + +_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they +say he's a damned jolly fellow. + +_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the +two hardest drinkers in the county. + +_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will +enliven the scene. How far are they from you? + +_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a +step. + +_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means. + +_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company. +[_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with +the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath. +I long to have a little news from her about the company there. + +_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you. + [_A very loud laugh without_. + +_Lady Rodolpha._ [_Without._] Ha, ha, ha! weel I vow, cousin Egerton, you +have a vast deal of shrewd humour.--But Lady Macsycophant, which way is +Sir Pertinax? + +_Lady Mac._ [Without._] Strait forward, madam. + +_Lord Lum_. Here the hairbrain comes: it must be her, by the noise, + +_Lady Rod_. [_Without._] Allons--gude folks--follow me--sans ceremonie. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Running up to Sir_ Per.] Sir Pertinax, your most devoted, +most obsequious, and most obedient vassal. [_Curtsies very low_. + +_Sir Per_. [_Bowing ridiculously low._] Lady Rodolpha, down till the +ground, my congratulations and duty attend you, and I should rejoice to +kiss your ladyship's footsteps. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsying very low._] O! Sir Pertinax, your humeelity is +most sublimely complaisant:--at present, unanswerable;--but I shall +intensely study to return it--fyfty fald. + +_Sir Per_. Your ladyship does me singular honour:--weel, madam--ha! you +look gaily;--weel, and how--how is your ladyship, after your jaunt till +the Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Never better, Sir Pertinax:--as weel as youth, health, riotous +spirits, and a careless happy heart can make me. + +_Sir Per_. I am mighty glad till hear it, my lady. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay--Rodolpha is always in spirits, Sir Pertinax.--Vive la +Bagatelle is the philosophy of our family,--ha? Rodolpha--ha? + +_Lady Rod_. Traith it is, my lord; and upon honour I am determined it +shall never be changed with my consent. Weel I vow--ha, ha, ha! Vive la +Bagatelle would be a most brilliant motto for the chariot of a belle of +fashion. What say you till my fancy, Lady Macsycophant. + +_Lady Mac_. It would have novelty at least to recommend it, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Which of aw charms is the most delightful that can accompany +wit, taste, love, or friendship;--for novelty I take to be the true _Je ne +scais quoi_ of all worldly bliss. Cousin Egerton, shou'd not you like to +have a wife with Vive la Bagatelle upon her wedding chariot? + +_Eger_. O! certainly, madam. + +_Lady Rod_. Yes, I think it would be quite out of the common, and +singularly ailegant. + +_Eger_. Indisputably, madam:--for as a motto is a word to the wise, or +rather a broad hint to the whole world of a person's taste and +principles,--Vive la Bagatelle would be most expressive at first sight of +your ladyship's characteristic. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsies._] O! Maister Egerton, you touch my vary heart with +your approbation--ha, ha, ha! that is the vary spirit of my intention, the +instant I commence bride.--Weel! I am immensely proud that my fancy has +the approbation of so sound an understanding, and so polished a taste as +that of the all-accomplished [_Curtsies very low._] Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Weel,--but Lady Rodolpha--I wanted to ask your ladyship some +questions about the company at the Bath;--they say you had aw the world +there. + +_Lady Rod_. O, yes!--there was a vary great mob there indeed;--but vary +little company.--Aw Canaille,--except our ain party.--The place was +crowded with your little purse-proud mechanics;--an odd kind of queer +looking animals that have started intill fortune fra lottery tickets, rich +prizes at sea, gambling in Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of +fortune;--and away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn genteelity, and the +names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us people of fashion; ha, ha, +ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! I know them;--I know the things you mean, my dear, +extremely well.--I have observed them a thousand times, and wondered where +the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath? + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion,--and +better na human follies ever afforded; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture--and +sic oddities, ha, ha, ha!--a perfect Gallimaufry.--Lady Kunegunda M'Kenzie +and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose +to reconnoitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till +your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax; ha, ha, ha!-- +Madam, we had in one group--a peer and a sharper,--a dutchess and a +pinmaker's wife,--a boarding school miss and her grandmother,--a fat +parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral,--ha, ha, ha!--aw speaking +together--and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame +and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the object of their +contention? + +_Lady Rod_. O! a vary important one, I assure you;--of no less +consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have +been saved. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lady Mac_. Ridiculous! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have seen that very conflict a +thousand times. + +_Sir Per_. And so have I, upon honour, my lord. + +_Lady Rod_. In another party, Sir Pertinax--ha, ha, ha! we had what +was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a +haberdasher,--a red hot patriot and a sneering courtier,--a discarded +statesman and his scribbling chaplain,--with a busy, bawling, +muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer;--all of whom were every minute ready to +gang together by the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry--ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow.--Vary +whimsical upon honour.--But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and +settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a +country dance. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room--in a bye +corner--snug--we had a Jew and a bishop-- + +_Sir Per_. A Jew and a bishop!--ha--ha--a devilish guid connection that;-- +and pray, my lady, what were they about? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, sir, the bishop--was striving to convert the Jew,--while +the Jew--by intervals--was slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop +about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the +stock. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse:--hah! it +was develish clever of him, my lord,--develish clever. + +_Lord Lum_. Yes, yes--the fellow kept a sharp look-out.--I think it was a +fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton. + +_Eger_. True, my lord;--but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way +to succeed. + +_Lord Lum_. O! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!--Well, child, I like your +Jew and your bishop much.--It's develish clever.--Let us have the rest of +the history, pray, my dear. + +_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is--that there we aw +danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and +cheated, and mingled, and jumbled, and wolloped together--clean and +unclean--even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark. + +_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha!--Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha,--and, upon +my honour, ha, ha, ha!--you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever +was hit off. + +_Sir Per_. Ah! yas, my lord, especially the animal assembly in Noah's +ark.--It is an excellent picture of the oddities that one meets with at +the Bath. + +_Lord Lum_. Why yes, there is some fancy in it, I think, Egerton? + +_Eger_. Very characteristic indeed, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. What say you, Mr. Sidney? + +_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly +in distinct colours. + +_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a +reigning toast before her looking-glass.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I +cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in +the South, at your routs, your assemblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the +which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye. + +"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be? + +"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips +and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon +honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the +wooly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear +Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about? + +"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact +is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic +pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid +comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss, +with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our +dancing and sweating. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha! + +"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their +slips and their slops here in the south. + +"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl, +upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but, +my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the +wolly-wambles. + +"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!" + + + _Enter_ TOMLINS. + +_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir. + +_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly. + +_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship. + +_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please. + [_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant. + +_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a +hand at your ladyship's devotion. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.-- +There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the +account of human dealings now-a-days. + +_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in +courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery +ticket. + +_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.-- +Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my +dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it. + [_Exit with_ Eger. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she +has, Maister Sidney. + +_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister +Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last +hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares +will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of +him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this +match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE SECOND ACT. + + + + +_ACT III. SCENE I._ + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON. + + +_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word +about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your +court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or +twenty, till oblige him. + +_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper. + +_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic-- +with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the +matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute +about religion, you slily slunged away. + +_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half +pint bumpers. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order +to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of +smaw glasses. + +_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more. + +_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your +drinking more. + +_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the +lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I +am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your +assistance in it. + +_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your +squabble? + +_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have +contributed to assist me. + +_Eger_. How so, sir? + +_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as +my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little +French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the +humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank +half a score bumpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when +we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish +it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken +what will be the consequence. + +_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable +time to settle business, sir? + +_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his +cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid +fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a +bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up +your shoulders at, sir? + +_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy +nor the morality of your doctrine. + +_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull, +understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told +you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of +pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical +subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble +fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it? + +_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities. + +_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you +how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._] +by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great +man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct. + +_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir? + +_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the +instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. +Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what +an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human +nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of +the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll +give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and +a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the +world. + +_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit +down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your +grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum +total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of +Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; +the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid +economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention +to make every man well pleased with himself. + +_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these +materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune +with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a +beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of +London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect. + +_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this +unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts +morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of +prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently +conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my +condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, +beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my +heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an +entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is +generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a +commodity. + +_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that +could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for +an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive, +toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of +deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy +thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the +north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right? + +_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman +with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or assemblies--nai, +sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, +and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of +churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating +love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an +old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she +looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this +miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had +nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, +ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite. + +_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the +same condition. + +_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to +pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her +teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields: +and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me +down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed, +and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do +for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the +strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her +chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a +week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the +siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful +visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was +the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the +vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine? + +_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit +off? + +_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well. + +_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away +with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid +smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill +Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an +ambition as ever agitated the heart of Caesar himself. Sir, I bowed, and +watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and +attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary +bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and +wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got +my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery +tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a +much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a +bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing +to some purpose? + +_Eger_. It was indeed, sir. + +_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility +of bowing? + +_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus +bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with +many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, +eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken +in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the +instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which +deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the +polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house +of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, +is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are +popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, +it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows. + +_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice +you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you +entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest +filial gratitude. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet +with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage--your liveries--your +equipage--or your domestic establishment? + +_Eger_. Not yet, sir. + +_Sir Per_. Poh! why there again now you are wrong--vary wrong. + +_Eger_. Sir, we have not had an opportunity. + +_Sir Per_. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business. + +_Lord Lum_. [_Sings without, flusht with wine_.] +'What have we with day to do?' + +_Sir Per_. O! here comes my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you,' + [_Enters, drinking a dish of coffee_: TOMLINS _waiting with a salver +in his hand_.] +--'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Very, good coffee indeed, Mr. +Tomlins. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Here, Mr. Tomlins. + +_Tom_. Will your lordship please to have another dish? + +_Lord Lum_. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] +Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work. + +_Sir Per_. Yes; you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and +vigour of a Bacchanal. + +_Lord Lum_. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but +three motions, old boy,--charge--toast--fire--and off we go: ha, ha, ha! +that's my exercise. + +_Sir Per_. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord,--especially with the +half-pint glasses. + +_Lord Lum_. Zounds! it does execution point blanc:--ay, ay, none of your +pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint +bumpers, my dear: they try a fellow's stamina at once:--but, where's +Egerton? + +_Sir Per_. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands--looking at your +lordship's picture. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Egerton. + +_Eger_. Your lordship's most obedient. + +_Lord Lum_. I beg pardon: I did not see you: I am sorry you left us so +soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. +I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the +colonel. + +_Eger_. So I understand, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. But, Egerton, I have slipt from the company for a few moments, +on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies +there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her. + +_Sir Per_. A demur! how so, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I +desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the +ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she +supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a +single glance or hint upon the subject. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness +to the lady. + + _Enter_ TOMLINS.. + +_Tom_. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and serjeant Eitherside. + +_Sir Per_. Why then we can settle the business this very evening, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. As well as in seven years: and, to make the way as short as +possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to +Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her +directly: [_Exit_ Tomlins.]--He shall attack her this instant, Sir +Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! this is doing business effectually, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax,--that will bring +them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of +awkwardness on both sides. O! here your dulcinea comes, sir. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _singing, a music paper in her hand._ + +_Lady Rod_. I have been learning this air of Constantia: I protest, her +touch on the harpsichord is quite brilliant, and really her voice not +amiss. Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands, and yours, my paternal +lord. [_Lady_ Rod. _curtsies very low; my lord bows very low, and answers +in the same tone and manner._] + +_Lord Lum_. Why, then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the +commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you +to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and +forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening. + +_Lady Rod_. This evening, my lord! + +_Lord Lum_. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them +to settle their liveries, wedding-suits, carriages, and all their amorous +equipage, for the nuptial campaign. + +_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! excellent! excellent! weel, I vow, my lord, you are +a great officer:--this is as guid a manoeuvre to bring on a rapid +engagement as the ablest general of them aw could have started. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay! leave them together; they'll soon come to a right +understanding, I warrant you, or the needle and loadstone have lost their +sympathy. [_Exit Lord_ Lum. _and Sir_ Per. + +[_Lady_ Rodolpha _stands at that side of the Stage, where they went off, +in amazement:_ Egerton _is at the opposite side, who, after some anxious +emotion, settles into a deep reflection:--this part of the scene must be +managed by a nice whispering tone of self-conversation mutually observed +by the Lovers._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Why, this is downright tyranny! it has quite dampt +my spirits; and my betrothed, yonder, seems planet-struck too, I think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A whimsical situation, mine! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Ha, ha, ha! methinks we look like a couple of +cautious generals, that are obliged to take the field, but neither of us +seems willing to come till action. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] I protest, I know not how to address her. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] He will nai advance, I see: what am I to do in this +affair? guid traith, I will even do, as I suppose many brave heroes have +done before me,--clap a guid face upon the matter, and so conceal an +aching heart under a swaggering countenance. +[_As she advances, she points at him, and smothers a laugh; but when she +speaks to him, the tone must be_ loud, _and rude on the word_ Sir.] +_Sir_, as we have,--by the commands of our guid fathers, a business of +some little consequence to transact,--I hope you will excuse my taking the +liberty of recommending a chair till you, for the repose of your body--in +the embarrassed deliberation of your perturbed spirits. + +_Eger_. [_Greatly embarrassed._] Madam, I beg your pardon. [_Hands her a +chair, then one for himself._] Please to sit, madam. [_They sit down with +great ceremony: she sits down first. He sits at a distance from her. They +are silent for some time. He coughs, hems, and adjusts himself. She +mimicks him._] + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Aha! he's resolved not to come too near till me, I +think. + +_Eger_. [_Aside._] A pleasant interview, this--hem, hem! + +_Lady Rod_. [_Aside, mimicks him to herself._] Hem! he will not open the +congress, I see.--Then I will.--[_very loud._] _Come, sir_, when will you +begin? + +_Eger_. [_Greatly surprised._] Begin! what, madam? + +_Lady Rod_. To make love till me. + +_Eger_. Love, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. Ay, love, sir.--Why, you have never said a word till me on +the subject,--nor cast a single glance at me,--nor heaved one tender +sigh,--nor even secretly squeezed my loof:--now, sir, thof our fathers are +so tyrannical as to dispose of us without the consent of our hearts;--yet +you, sir, I hope, have more humanity than to think of marrying me without +administering some of the preliminaries, usual on those occasions:--if not +till my understanding and sentiments, yet till the vanity of my sex, at +least, I hope you will pay some little tribute of ceremony and adulation: +that, I think, I have a right to expect. + +_Eger_. Madam, I own your reproach is just:--I shall therefore no longer +disguise my sentiments, but fairly let you know my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starts up, and runs to him._] That's right,--that is right, +cousin;--honourably and affectionately right;--that is what I like of aw +things in my swain.--Ay, ay, cousin--open your mind frankly till me, as a +true lover shou'd.--But sit you down--sit you down again: I shall return +your frankness and your passion, cousin, with a melting tenderness, equal +till the amorous enthusiasm of an ancient heroine. + +_Eger_. Madam, if you will hear me---- + +_Lady Rod_. But, remember, you must begin with fervency,--and a most +rapturous vehemency:--for you are to consider, cousin, that our match is +nai to arise fra the union of hearts, and a long decorum of ceremonious +courtship;--but is instantly to start at once--out of necessity, or mere +accident;--ha, ha, ha! like a match in an ancient romance,--where you ken, +cousin,--the knight and the damsel are mutually smitten and dying for each +other at first sight,--or by an amorous sympathy before they exchange a +single glance. + +_Eger_. Dear madam, you entirely mistake---- + +_Lady Rod_. And our fathers,--ha, ha, ha! our fathers are to be the dark +magicians that are to fascinate our hearts and conjure us together, +whether we will or not. + +_Eger_. Ridiculous! + +_Lady Rod_. So now, cousin, with the true romantic enthusiasm,--you are to +suppose me the lady of the enchanted castle, and you--ha, ha, ha! you are +to be the knight of the sorrowful countenance--ha, ha, ha! and, upon +honour--you look the character admirably;--ha, ha, ha! + +_Eger_. Rude trifling creature! + +_Lady Rod_. Come, sir,--why do you nai begin to ravish me with your +valour, your vows, your knight errantry, and your amorous phrenzy.--Nay, +nay, nay! guin you do nai begin at once, the lady of the enchanted castle +will vanish in a twinkling. + +_Eger_. Lady Rodolpha, I know your talent for raillery well;--but at +present, in my case, there is a kind of cruelty in it. + +_Lady Rod_. Raillery! upon honour, cousin, you mistake me quite and +clean.--I am serious--very serious;--ay, and I have cause to be serious;-- +nay, I will submit my case even till yourself. [_Whines_.] Can any poor +lassy be in a more lamentable condition, than to be sent four hundred +miles, by the command of a positive grandmother, to marry a man, who I +find has no more affection for me,--than if I had been his wife these +seven years. + +_Eger_. Madam, I am extremely sorry---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Cries and sobs_.] But it is vary weel, cousin.--I see your +unkindness and aversion plain enough,--and, sir, I must tell you fairly, +you are the ainly man that ever slighted my person,--or that drew tears +fra these een.--But--it is vary weel--it's vary weel--I will return till +Scotland to-morrow morning, and let my grandmother know how I have been +affronted by your slights, your contempts, and your aversions. + +_Eger_. If you are serious, madam, your distress gives me a deep +concern;--but affection is not in our power; and when you know that my +heart is irrecoverably given to another woman, I think, your understanding +and good nature will not only pardon my past coldness and neglect of +you,--but forgive me when I tell you, I never can have that honour which +is intended me,--by a connection with your ladyship. + +_Lady Rod_. [_Starting up_.] How, sir!--are you serious? + +_Eger_. [_Rises_.] Madam, I am too deeply interested, both as a man of +honour and a lover, to act otherwise with you on so tender a subject. + +_Lady Rod_. And so you persist in slighting me? + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, madam; but I must be explicit, and at once +declare--that I never can give my hand where I cannot give my heart. + +_Lady Rod_. [_In great anger_.] Why then, sir, I must tell you, that your +declaration is sic an affront as nai woman of spirit can, or ought to +bear:--and here I make a solemn vow, never to pardon it, but on one +condition. + +_Eger_. If that condition be in my power, madam---- + +_Lady Rod_. [_Snaps him up_.] Sir, it is in your power. + +_Eger_. Then, madam, you may command me. + +_Lady Rod_. [_With a firm peremptory command_]. Why then, sir, the +condition is this;--you must here give me your honour,--that nai +importunity,--command,--or menace of your father,--in fine, that nai +consideration whatever,--shall induce you to take me, Rodolpha +Lumbercourt, to be your wedded wife. + +_Eger_. Madam, I most solemnly promise, I never will. + +_Lady Rod_. And I, sir, most solemnly, and sincerely [_Curtsies._] thank +you--for [_Curtsies._] your resolution, and your agreeable aversion--ha, +ha, ha! for you have made me as happy as a poor wretch, reprieved in the +vary instant of intended execution. + +_Eger_. Pray, madam, how am I to understand all this? + +_Lady Rod._[_With frankness, and, a reverse of manners_.] Why, sir, your +frankness and sincerity demand the same behaviour on my side;--therefore, +without farther disguise or ambiguity, know, sir, that I myself [_With a +deep sigh_.] am as deeply smitten with a certain swain, as I understand +you are with your Constantia. + +_Eger_. Indeed, madam! + +_Lady Rod_. [_With an amiable, soft, tender sincerity_.] O! sir, +notwithstanding aw my shew of courage and mirth,--here I stand--as errant +a trembling Thisbe, as ever sighed or mourned for her Pyramus,--and, sir, +aw my extravagant levity and ridiculous behaviour in your presence now, +and ever since _your_ father prevailed upon _mine_ to consent till this +match, has been a premeditated scheme to provoke your gravity and guid +sense intill a cordial disgust, and a positive refusal. + +_Eger_. Madam, you have contrived and executed your scheme most happily. + +_Lady Rod_. Then, since Cupid has thus luckily disposed of you till your +Constantia, and me till my swain, we have nothing to think of now, sir, +but to contrive how to reduce the inordinate passions of our parents +intill a temper of prudence and humanity. + +_Eger_. Most willingly I consent to your proposal.----But, with your +leave, madam, if I may presume so far;--'pray, who is your lover? + +_Lady Rod_. Why, in that too I shall surprise you perhaps more than +ever.--In the first place--he is a beggar--and in disgrace with an +unforgiving father;--and in the next place,--he is [_Curtsies._] your ain +brother. + +_Eger_. Is it possible? + +_Lady Rod_. A most amorous truth, sir;--that is, as far as a woman can +answer for her ain heart. [_in a laughing gaiety_.] So you see, cousin +Charles, thof I you'd nai mingle affections with _you_--I have nai ganged +out of the family. + +_Eger_. [_A polite rapture, frank_.] Madam, give me leave to congratulate +myself upon your affection,--you cou'd not have placed it on a worthier +object; and, whatever is to be our chance in this lottery of our parents, +be assured that my fortune shall be devoted to your happiness and his. + +_Lady Rod_. Generous, indeed, cousin--but not a whit nobler, I assure you, +than your brother Sandy believes of you.--And, be assured, sir, that we +shall both remember it, while the heart feels, or the memory retains a +sense of gratitude.--But now, sir, let me ask one question:--Pray, how is +your mother affected in this business? + +_Eger_. She knows of my passion, and will, I am sure, be a friend to the +common cause. + +_Lady Rod_. Ah! that's lucky. Our first step then must be to take her +advice upon our conduct, so as to keep our fathers in the dark till we can +hit off some measure that will wind them about till our ain purpose, and +the common interest of our ain passion. + +_Eger_. You are very right, madam, for, should my father suspect my +brother's affection for your ladyship, or mine for Constantia, there is no +guessing what wou'd be the consequence.--His whole happiness depends upon +this bargain with my lord; for it gives him the possession of three +boroughs, and those, madam, are much dearer to him than the happiness of +his children. I am sorry to say it, but, to gratify his political rage, he +wou'd sacrifice every social tie, that is dear to friend or family. +[_Exeunt._ + + +END OF THE THIRD ACT. + + + + +_ACT IV. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE. + + +_Sir Per_. No, no.--Come away, Counsellor Plausible;--come away, +I say;--let them chew upon it.--Why, counsellor, did you ever see so +impertinent, so meddling, and so obstinate a blockhead, as that Serjeant +Eitherside? Confound the fellow--he has put me out of aw temper. + +_Plaus_. He is very positive, indeed, Sir Pertinax,--and no doubt was +intemperate and rude. But, Sir Pertinax, I wou'd not break off the match +notwithstanding; for certainly, even without the boroughs, it is an +advantageous bargain both to you and your son. + +_Sir Per_. But, zounds! Plausible, do you think I will give up the +nomination till three boroughs?--Why I wou'd rather give him twenty, nay +thirty thousand pounds in any other part of the bargain:--especially at +this juncture, when votes are likely to become so valuable.--Why, man, if +a certain affair comes on, they will rise above five hundred per cent. + +_Plaus_. You judge very rightly, Sir Pertinax;--but what shall we do in +this case? for Mr. Serjeant insists that you positively agreed to my +lord's having the nomination to the three boroughs during his own life. + +_Sir Per_. Why yes,--in the first sketch of the agreement, I believe I did +consent:--but at that time, man, my lord's affairs did not appear to be +half so desperate, as I now find they turn out.--Sir, he must acquiesce in +whatever I demand, for I have got him intill sic an a hobble that he +cannot---- + +_Plaus_. No doubt, Sir Pertinax, you have him absolutely in your power. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel:--And ought rial a man to make his vantage of it? + +_Plaus_. No doubt you ought;--no manner of doubt.--But, Sir Pertinax, +there is a secret spring in this business, that you do not seem to +perceive;--and which, I am afraid, governs the matter respecting these +boroughs. + +_Sir Per_. What spring do you mean, counsellor? + +_Plaus_. Why this Serjeant Eitherside,--I have some reason to think that +my lord is tied down by some means or other to bring the serjeant in, the +very first vacancy, for one of these boroughs;--now that, I believe, is +the sole motive why the serjeant is so strenuous that my lord should keep +the boroughs in his own power;--fearing that you might reject him for some +man of your own. + +_Sir Per_. Odswunds and death! Plausible, you are clever,--devilish +clever.--By the blood, you have hit upon the vary string that has made aw +thjs discord.--Oh! I see it,--I see it now.--But hauld--hauld--bide a wee +bit--a wee bit, man;--I have a thought come intill my head--yes--I think, +Plausible, that with a little twist in our negotiation that this vary +string, properly tuned, may be still made to produce the vary harmony we +wish for.--Yes, yes! I have it: this serjeant, I see, understands +business--and, if I am not. mistaken, knows how to take a hint. + +_Plaus_. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Why then, Plausible, the short road is always the best with sic +a man.--You. must even come up till his mark at once, and assure him from +me--that I will secure him a seat for one of these vary boroughs. + +_Plaus_. O! that will do, Sir Pertinax--that will do, I'll answer for't. + +_Sir Per_. And further--I beg you will let him know that I think myself +obliged to consider him in this affair, as acting for me as weel as for my +lord,--as a common friend till baith:--and for the services he has already +done us, make my special compliments till him--and pray let this amicable +bit of paper be my faithful advocate to convince him of what my gratitude +further intends for his great [_Gives him a bank-bill._] equity in +adjusting this agreement betwixt my lord and me. + +_Plaus_. Ha, ha, ha!--upon my word, Sir Pertinax, this is noble.--Ay, ay! +this is an eloquent bit of paper indeed. + +_Sir Per_. Maister Plausible, in aw human dealings the most effectual +method is that of ganging at once till the vary bottom of a man's +heart:--for if we expect that men shou'd serve us,--we must first win +their affections by serving them.--O! here they baith come. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT, _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. My dear Sir Pertinax, what could provoke you to break off this +business so abruptly? you are really wrong in the point,--and if you will +give yourself time to recollect, you will find that my having the +nomination to the boroughs for my life was a preliminary article;--I +appeal to Mr. Serjeant Eitherside here, whether I did not always +understand it so. + +_Serj._I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his lordship's conversation +with me upon this business, and in his positive instructions,--both he and +I always understood the nomination to be in my lord, durante vita. + +_ SirPer_. Why, then my lord, to shorten the dispute, aw that I can say in +answer till your lordship is--that there has been a total mistake betwixt +us in that point,--and therefore the treaty must end here. I give it up.-- +O! I wash my hands of it for ever. + +_Plaus_. Well, but gentlemen, gentlemen, a little patience.--Sure this +mistake, some how or other, may be rectified.--Pr'ythee, Mr. Serjeant, let +you and I step into the next room by ourselves, and reconsider the clause +relative to the boroughs, and try if we cannot hit upon a medium that will +be agreeable to both parties. + +_Serj._ [_With great warmth_.] Mr. Plausible, I have considered the clause +fully;--am entirely master of the question;--my lord cannot give up the +point.--It is unkind and unreasonable to expect it. + +_Plaus._ Nay, Mr. Serjeant, I beg you will not misunderstand me. Do not +think I want his lordship to give up any point without an equivalent.--Sir +Pertinax, will you permit Mr. Serjeant and me to retire a few moments to +reconsider this point? + +_Sir Per_. With aw my heart, Maister Plausible; any thing to oblige his +lordship--any thing to accomodate his lordship--any thing. + +_Plaus._ What say you, my lord? + +_Lord Lum_ Nay, I submit it entirely to you and Mr. Serjeant. + +_Plaus._ Come, Mr. Serjeant, let us retire. + +_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay,--go, Mr. Serjeant, and hear what Mr. Plausible has to +say. + +_Serj_. Nay, I'll wait on Mr. Plausible, my lord, with all my heart; but I +am sure I cannot suggest the shadow of a reason for altering my present +opinion: impossible--impossible. + +_Plaus_. Well, well, Mr. Serjeant, do not be positive. I am sure, reason, +and your client's conveniency, will always make you alter your opinion. + +_Serj_. Ay, ay--reason, and my client's conveniency, Mr. Plausible, will +always controul my opinion, depend upon it: ay, ay! there you are right. +Sir, I attend you. [_Exeunt Lawyers._ + +_Sir Per_. I am sorry, my lord, extremely sorry indeed, that this mistake +has happened. + +_Lord Lum_. Upon my honour, and so am I, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. But come now, after aw, your lordship must allow you have been +in the wrong: come, my dear lord, you must allow me that now. + +_Lord Lum_. How so, my dear Sir Pertinax? + +_Sir Per_. Not about the boroughs, my lord, for those I do no mind of a +bawbee;--but about your distrust of my friendship.--Why, do you think +now--I appeal till your ain breast, my lord--do you think, I say, that I +should ever have slighted your lordship's nomination till these boroughs. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax, but one +must be directed by one's lawyer, you know. + +_Sir Per_. Hah! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to +have any dependance upon: they are always starting punctilios and +difficulties among friends. Why, my dear lord, it is their interest that +aw mankind should be at variance: for disagreement is the vary manure with +which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and as they find that +that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always +be sure to lay it on as thick as they can. + +_Lord Lum_. Come, come, my dear Sir Pertinax, you must not be angry with +the serjeant for his insisting so warmly on this point--for those +boroughs, you know, are my sheet anchor. + +_Sir Per_. I know it, my lord,--and, as an instance of my promptness to +study, and of my acquiescence till your lordship's inclination, as I see +that this Serjeant Eitherside wishes you weel and you him, I think now he +would be as guid a man to be returned for one of those boroughs as could +be pitched upon--and as such, I humbly recommend him till your lordship's +consideration. + +_Lord Lum_. Why, my dear Sir Pertinax, to tell you the truth, I have +already promised him. He must be in for one of them, and that is one +reason why I insisted so strenuously: he must be in. + +_Sir Per_. And why not? odswunds! why not? is nai your word a fiat? and +will it nai be always so till me? are ye nai my friend--my patron--and are +we nai, by this match of our children, to be united intill one interest? + +_Lord Lum_. So I understand it, I own, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. My lord, it can nai be otherwise: then, for Heaven's sake, as +your lordship and I can have but one interest for the future, let us have +nai mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conclude the agreement +just as it stands; otherwise there must be new writings drawn, new +consultations of lawyers, new objections and delays will arise,--creditors +will be impatient and impertinent, so that we shall nai finish the Lord +knows when. + +_Lord Lum_. You are right, you are right: say no more, Mac, say no more. +Split the lawyers--you judge the point better than all Westminster-hall +could. It shall stand as it is: yes, you shall settle it your own way: for +your interest and mine are the same, I see plainly. + +_Sir Per_. No doubt of it, my lord. + +_Lord Lum_. O! here the lawyers come. + + _Enter Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE. + +_Lord Lum_. So, gentlemen--well, what have you done? how are your opinions +now? + +_Serj_. My lord, Mr. Plausible has convinced me--fully convinced me. + +_Plaus_. Yes, my lord, I have convinced him; I have laid such arguments +before Mr. Serjeant as were irresistible. + +_Serj_. He has indeed, my lord: besides, as Sir Pertinax gives his honour +that your lordship's nomination shall be sacredly observed, why, upon a +nearer review of the whole matter, I think it will be the wiser measure to +conclude the agreement just as it is drawn. + +_Lord Lum_. I am very glad you think so, Mr. Serjeant, because that is my +opinion too: so, my dear Eitherside, do you and Plausible dispatch the +business now as soon as possible. + +_Serj_. My lord, every thing will be ready in less than an hour. Come, +Mr. Plausible, let us go and fill up the blanks, and put the last hand to +the writings on our part. + +_Plaus_. I attend you, Mr. Serjeant. [_Exeunt Lawyers_. + +_Lord Lum_. And while the lawyers are preparing the writings, Sir +Pertinax, I will go and saunter with the women. + +_Sir Per_. Do, do, my lord: and I will come till you presently. + +_Lord Lum_. Very well, my dear Mac, I shall expect you. + [_Exit singing, 'Sons of care,' &c._ + +_Sir Per_. So! a little flattery mixt with the finesse of a gilded promise +on one side, and a quantum sufficit of the aurum palpabile on the other, +have at last made me the happiest father in Great-Britain. Hah! my +heart expands itself, as it were thro' every part of my whole body, at +the completion of this business, and feels nothing but dignity and +elevation.--Hauld! hauld! bide a wee! bide a wee! I have but one little +matter mair in this affair to adjust, and then, Sir Pertinax, you may +dictate till Fortune herself, and send her to govern fools, while you shew +and convince the world that wise men always govern her. Wha's there? +[_Enter Footman._]--Tell my son Egerton, I would speak with him here in +the library. [_Exit Footman_]--Now I have settled the grand point with my +lord, this, I think, is the proper juncture to feel the political pulse of +my spark, and, once for aw, to set it to the exact measure that I would +have it constantly beat. [_Enter_ Egerton.]--Come hither, Charles. + +_Eger_. Your pleasure, sir. + +_Sir Per_. About twa hours since I told you, Charles, that I received this +letter express, complaining of your brother's activity at an election in +Scotland against a particular friend of mine, which has given great +offence; and, sir, you are mentioned in the letter as weel as he: to be +plain, I must roundly tell you, that on this interview depends my +happiness as a father and as a man; and my affection to you, sir, as a son +for the remainder of our days. + +_Eger_. I hope, sir, I shall never do any thing either to forfeit your +affection, or disturb your happiness. + +_Sir Per_. I hope so too--but to the point.--The fact is this: there has +been a motion made this vary day to bring on the grand affair--which is +settled for Friday seven-night:--now, sir, as you are popular--have +talents, and are weel heard, it is expected, and I insist upon it, that +you endeavour to atone, sir, for your late misconduct, by preparing, and +taking a large share in that question, and supporting it with aw your +power. + +_Eger_, Sir, I have always divided as you directed, except on one +occasion; never voted against your friends, only in that affair.--But, +sir, I hope you will not so exert your influence as to insist upon my +supporting a measure by an obvious, prostituted sophistry, in direct +opposition to my character and my conscience. + +_Sir Per_. Conscience! why, you are mad! did you ever hear any man talk of +conscience in political matters? Conscience, quotha? I have been in +Parliament these three and thraty years, and never heard the term made use +of before:--sir, it is an unparliamentary word, and you will be laughed at +for it;--therefore I desire you will not offer to impose upon me with sic +phantoms, but let me know your reason for thus slighting my friends and +disobeying my commands.--Sir, give me an immediate and an explicit answer. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, I must frankly tell you, that you work against my +nature; you would connect me with men I despise, and press me into +measures I abhor; would make me a devoted slave to selfish leaders, who +have no friendship but in faction--no merit but in corruption--nor +interest in any measure, but their own;--and to such men I cannot submit; +for know, sir, that the malignant ferment which the venal ambition of the +times provokes in the heads and hearts of other men, I detest. + +_Sir Per_. What are you about, sir? malignant ferment! and venal ambition! +Sir, every man should be ambitious to serve his country--and every man +should be rewarded for it: and pray, sir, would nai you wish to serve your +country? Answer me that.--I say, would nai you wish to serve your country? + +_Eger_. Only shew me how I can serve my country, and my life is hers. +Were I qualified to lead her armies, to steer her fleets, and deal her +honest vengeance on her insulting foes;--or could my eloquence pull down a +state leviathan, mighty by the plunder of his country--black with the +treasons of her disgrace, and send his infamy down to a free posterity, as +a monumental terror to corrupt ambition, I would be foremost in such +service, and act it with the unremitting ardour of a Roman spirit. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir! vary weel! the fellow is beside himself! + +_Eger_. But to be a common barker at envied power--to beat the drum of +faction, and sound the trumpet of insidious patriotism, only to displace a +rival,--or to be a servile voter in proud corruption's filthy train,--to +market out my voice, my reason, and my trust, to the party-broker, who +best can promise, or pay for prostitution; these, sir, are services my +nature abhors,--for they are such a malady to every kind of virtue, as +must in time destroy the fairest constitution that ever wisdom framed, +or virtuous liberty fought for. + +_Sir Per_. Why, are you mad, sir? you have certainly been bit by some mad +whig or other: but now, sir, after aw this foul-mouthed frenzy, and +patriotic vulgar intemperance, suppose we were to ask you a plain question +or twa: Pray, what single instance can you, or any man, give of the +political vice or corruption of these days, that has nai been practised in +the greatest states, and in the most virtuous times? I challenge you to +give me a single instance. + +_Eger_. Your pardon, sir--it is a subject I wish to decline: you know, +sir, we never can agree about it. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I insist upon an answer. + +_Eger_. I beg you will excuse me, sir. + +_Sir Per_. I will not excuse you, sir. I insist. + +_Eger_. Then, sir, in obedience, and with your patience, I will answer +your question. + +_Sir Per_. Ay! ay! I will be patient, never fear: come, let us have it, +let us have it. + +_Eger_. You shall; and now, sir, let prejudice, the rage of party, and +the habitual insolence of successful vice--pause but for one moment,--and +let religion, laws, power herself, the policy of a nation's virtue, and +Britain's guardian genius, take a short, impartial retrospect but of one +transaction, notorious in this land,--then must they behold yeomen, +freemen, citizens, artizans, divines, courtiers, patriots, merchants, +soldiers, sailors, and the whole plebeian tribe, in septennial procession, +urged and seduced by the contending great ones of the land to the altar +of perjury,--with the bribe in one hand, and the evangelist in the +other,--impiously, and audaciously affront the Majesty of Heaven, by +calling him to witness that they have not received, nor ever will receive, +reward or consideration for his suffrage.--Is not this a fact, sir? Can it +be denied? Can it be believed by those who know not Britain? Or can it be +matched in the records of human policy?--Who then, sir, that reflects one +moment, as a Briton or a Christian, on this picture, would be conducive to +a people's infamy and a nation's ruin? + +_Sir Per_. Sir, I have heard your rhapsody with a great deal of patience! +and great astonishment,--and you are certainly beside yourself. What the +devil business have you to trouble your head about the sins or the Souls +of other men? You should leave these matters till the clergy, wha are paid +for looking after them; and let every man gang till the devil his ain way: +besides, it is nai decent to find fault with what is winked at by the +whole nation--nay, and practised by aw parties. + +_Eger_. That, sir, is the very shame, the ruin I complain of. + +_Sir Per_. Oh! you are vary young, vary young in these matters, but +experience will convince you, sir, that every man in public business has +twa consciences,--a religious, and a political conscience. Why, you see a +merchant now, or a shop-keeper, that kens the science of the world, always +looks upon an oath at a custom-house, or behind a counter, only as an oath +in business, a thing of course, a mere thing of course, that has nothing +to do with religion;--and just so it is at an election:--for instance +now--I am a candidate, pray observe, and I gang till a periwig-maker, +a hatter, or a hosier, and I give ten, twenty, or thraty guineas for a +periwig, a hat, or a pair of hose; and so on, thro' a majority of +voters;--vary weel;--what is the consequence? Why, this commercial +intercourse, you see, begets a friendship betwixt us, a commercial +friendship--and, in a day or twa these men gang and give me their +suffrages; weel! what is the inference? Pray, sir, can you, or any lawyer, +divine, or casuist, cawl this a bribe? Nai, sir, in fair political +reasoning, it is ainly generosity on the one side, and gratitude on the +other. So, sir, let me have nai mair of your religious or philosophical +refinements, but prepare, attend, and speak till the question, or you are +nai son of mine. Sir, I insist upon it. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam_. Sir, my lord says the writings are now ready, and his lordship and +the lawyers are waiting for you and Mr. Egerton. + +_Sir Per_. Vary weel: we'll attend his lordship. [_Exit_ Sam.] I tell you, +Charles, aw this conscientious refinement in politics is downright +ignorance, and impracticable romance; and, sir, I desire I may hear no +more of it. Come, sir, let us gang down and finish this business. + +_Eger_. [_Stopping Sir_ Per. _as he is going off,_] Sir, with your +permission, I beg you will first hear a word or two upon this subject. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, sir, what would you say? + +_Eger_. I have often resolved to let you know my aversion to this match.-- + +_Sir Per_. How, sir! + +_Eger_. But my respect, and fear of disobliging you, have hitherto kept me +silent-- + +_Sir Per_. Your aversion! your aversion, sir! how dare you use sic +language till me? Your aversion! Look you, sir, I shall cut the matter +vary short:--consider, my fortune is nai inheritance; aw mine ain +acquisition: I can make ducks and drakes of it; so do not provoke me, +but sign the articles directly. + +_Eger_. I beg your pardon, sir, but I must be free on this occasion, +and tell you at once, that I can no longer dissemble the honest passion +that fills my heart for another woman. + +_Sir Per_. How! another woman! and, you villain, how dare you love another +woman without my leave? But what other woman--wha is she? Speak, sir, +speak. + +_Eger_. Constantia. + +_Sir Per_. Constantia! oh, you profligate! what! a creature taken in for +charity! + +_Eger_. Her poverty is not her crime, sir, but her misfortune: her birth +is equal to the noblest; and virtue, tho' covered with a village garb, is +virtue still; and of more worth to me than all the splendor of ermined +pride or redundant wealth. Therefore, sir-- + +_Sir Per_. Haud your jabbering, you villain, haud your jabbering; none +of your romance or refinement till me. I have but one question to ask +you--but one question--and then I have done with you for ever, for ever; +therefore think before you answer:--Will you marry the lady, or will you +break my heart? + +_Eger_. Sir, my presence shall not offend you any longer: but when reason +and reflection take their turn, I am sure you will not be pleased with +yourself for this unpaternal passion. [_Going._ + +_Sir Per_. Tarry, I command you; and, I command you likewise not to stir +till you have given me an answer, a definitive answer: Will you marry the +lady, or will you not? + +_Eger_. Since you command me, sir, know then, that I can not, will not +marry her. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. Oh! the villain has shot me thro' the head! he has cut my +vitals! I shall run distracted;--the fellow destroys aw my measures--aw my +schemes:--there never was sic a bargain as I have made with this foolish +lord,--possession of his whole estate, with three boroughs upon it--six +members--Why, what an acquisition! what consequence! what dignity! what +weight till the house of Macsycophant! O! damn the fellow! three boroughs, +only for sending down six broomsticks.--O! miserable! miserable! ruined! +undone! For these five and twanty years, ever since this fellow came +intill the world, have I been secretly preparing him for ministerial +dignity,--and with the fellow's eloquence, abilities, popularity, these +boroughs, and proper connections, he might certainly, in a little time, +have done the deed; and sure never were times so favorable, every thing +conspires, for aw the auld political post-horses are broken-winded and +foundered, and cannot get on; and as till the rising generation, the +vanity of surpassing one another in what they foolishly call taste and +elegance, binds them hand and foot in the chains of luxury, which will +always set them up till the best bidder; so that if they can but get +wherewithal to supply their dissipation, a minister may convert the +political morals of aw sic voluptuaries intill a vote that would sell the +nation till Prester John, and their boasted liberties till the great +Mogul;--and this opportunity I shall lose by my son's marrying a vartuous +beggar for love:--O! confound her vartue! it will drive me distracted. +[_Exit._ + + +END OF THE FOURTH ACT. + + + + +_ACT V. SCENE I_. + + _Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and_ BETTY HINT. + + +_Sir Per_. Come this way, Betty--come this way:--you are a guid girl, and +I will reward you for this discovery.--O the villain! offer her marriage! + +_Bet_. It is true, indeed, sir;--I wou'd not tell your honour a lie for +the world: but in troth it lay upon my conscience, and I thought it my +duty to tell your worship. + +_Sir Per_. You are right--you are right;--it was your duty to tell me, and +I'll reward you for it. But you say Maister Sidney is in love with her +too.--Pray how came you by that intelligence? + +_Bet_. O! sir, I know when folks are in love, let them strive to hide it +as much as they will.--I know it by Mr. Sidney's eyes, when I see him +stealing a sly side-look at her,--by his trembling,--his breathing +short,--his sighing when they are reading together. Besides, sir, he has +made love-verses upon her in praise of her virtue, and her playing upon +the music.--Ay! and I suspect: another thing, sir,--she has a sweetheart, +if not a husband, not far from hence. + +_Sir Per_. Wha? Constantia? + +_Bet_. Ay, Constantia, sir.--Lord! I can know the whole affair, sir, +only for sending over to Hadley, to farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, +Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per_. Then send this instant and get me a particular account of it. + +_Bet_. That I will, sir. + +_Sir Per_. In the mean time, keep a strict watch upon Constantia,--and +be sure you bring me word of whatever new matter you can pick up about +her, my son, or this Hadley husband or sweetheart. + +_Bet_. Never fear, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per_. This love of Sidney's for Constantia is not unlikely.--There +is something promising in it.--Yes! I think it is nai impossible to +convert it intill a special and immediate advantage. It is but trying. +Wha's there?--If it misses, I am but where I was. [_Enter_ Tomlins.] Where +is Maister Sidney? + +_Tom_. In the dining room, Sir Pertinax. + +_Sir Per_. Tell him I wou'd speak with him. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] 'Tis more +than probable.--Spare to speak and spare to speed. Try--try--always try +the human heart:--try is as guid a maxim in politics as in war.--Why, +suppose this Sidney now shou'd be privy till his friend Charles's love for +Constantia.--What then? guid traith, it is natural to think that his ain +love will demand the preference,--ay, and obtain it too.--Yes, self--self +is an eloquent advocate on these occasions, and seldom loses his cause. I +have the general principle of human nature at least to encourage me in the +experiment;--for only make it a man's interest to be a rascal, and I think +we may safely depend upon his integrity--in serving himself. + + _Enter_ SIDNEY. + +_Sid_. Sir Pertinax, your servant.--Mr. Tomlins told me you desired to +speak with me. + +_Sir Per_. Yes, I wanted to speak with you upon a vary singular business. +Maister Sidney, give me your hand.--Guin it did nai look like flattery, +which I detest, I wou'd tell you, Maister Sidney, that you are an honour +till your cloth, your country, and till human nature. + +_Sid_. Sir, you are very obliging. + +_Sir Per_. Sit you down, Maister Sidney:--Sit you down here by me. My +friend, I am under the greatest obligations till you for the care you +have taken of Charles.--The principles--religious, moral, and political-- +that you have infused intill him, demand the warmest return of gratitude +both fra him and fra me. + +_Sid_. Your approbation, sir, next to that of my own conscience, is the +best test of my endeavours, and the highest applause they can receive. + +_Sir Per_. Sir, you deserve it,--richly deserve it.--And now, sir, the +same care that you have had of Charles,--the same my wife has taken of her +favourite Constantia.--And sure, never were accomplishments, knowledge or +principles, social and religious, infused intill a better nature. + +_Sid_. In truth, sir, I think so too. + +_Sir Per_. She is besides a gentlewoman, and of as guid a family as any in +this county. + +_Sid_. So I understand, sir. + +_SirPer_. Sir, her father had a vast estate; the which he dissipated and +melted in feastings, and friendships, and charities, hospitalities, and +sic kind of nonsense.--But to the business.--Maister Sidney, I love you,-- +yes,--I love you,--and I have been looking out and, contriving how to +settle you in the world.--Sir, I want to see you comfortably and +honourably fixt at the head of a respectable family,--and guin you were +mine ain son, a thousand times,--I cou'd nai make a more valuable present +till you for that purpose, as a partner for life, than this same +Constantia,--with sic a fortune down with her as you yourself shall deem +to be competent,--and an assurance of every canonical contingency in my +power to confer or promote. + +_Sid_. Sir, your offer is noble and friendly:--but tho' the highest +station would derive lustre from Constantia's charms and worth, yet, were +she more amiable than love could paint her in the lover's fancy,--and +wealthy beyond the thirst of the miser's appetite,--I could not--would not +wed her. [_Rises._ + +_Sir Per_. Not wed her! odswunds, man! you surprise me!--Why so?--what +hinders? + +_Sid_. I beg you will not ask a reason for my refusal,--but, briefly and +finally--it cannot be; nor is it a subject I can longer converse upon. + +_Sir Per_. Weel, weel, weel, sir, I have done,--I have done.--Sit down, +man;--sit down again;--sit you down.--I shall mention it no more;--not but +I must confess honestly till you, friend Sidney, that the match, had you +approved of my proposal, besides profiting you, wou'd have been of +singular service till me likewise.--However, you may still serve me as +effectually as if you had married her. + +_Sid_. Then, sir, I am sure I will most heartily. + +_Sir Per_. I believe it, friend Sidney,--and I thank you.--I have nai +friend to depend upon, but yourself. My heart is almost broke.--I cannot +help these tears,--And, to tell you the fact at once--your friend Charles +is struck with a most dangerous malady,--a kind of insanity.--You see I +cannot help weeping when I think of it;--in short this Constantia, I am +afraid, has cast an evil eye upon him.--Do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Not very well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Why, he is grievously smitten with the love of her;--and, I am +afraid, will never be cured without a little of your assistance. + +_Sid._ Of my assistance! pray, sir, in what manner? + +_Sir Per._ In what manner? Lord, Maister Sidney, how can you be so dull? +Why, how is any man cured of his love till a wench, but by ganging to bed +till her? Now do you understand me? + +_Sid._ Perfectly, sir--perfectly. + +_Sir Per._ Vary weel.--Now then, my very guid friend, guin you wou'd but +give him that hint, and take an opportunity to speak a guid word for him +till the wench;--and guin you wou'd likewise cast about a little now,--and +contrive to bring them together once,--why, in a few days after he wou'd +nai care a pinch of snuff for her. [Sidney _starts up._] What is the +matter with you, man?--What the devil gars you start and look so +astounded? + +_Sid._ Sir, you amaze me.--In what part of my mind or conduct have you +found that baseness, which entitles you to treat me with this indignity? + +_Sir Per._ Indignity! What indignity do you mean, sir? Is asking you to +serve a friend with a wench an indignity? Sir, am I not your patron and +benefactor? Ha? + +_Sid._ You are, sir, and I feel your bounty at my heart;--but the virtuous +gratitude, that sowed the deep sense of it there, does not inform me that, +in return, the tutor's sacred function, or the social virtue of the man +must be debased into the pupil's pander, or the patron's prostitute. + +_Sir Per._ How! what, sir! do you dispute? Are you nai my dependent? ha? +And do you hesitate about an ordinary civility, which is practised every +day by men and women of the first fashion? Sir, let me tell you,--however +nice you may be, there is nai a client about the court that wou'd nai jump +at sic an opportunity to oblige his patron. + +_Sid._ Indeed, sir, I believe the doctrine of pimping for patrons, as well +as that of prostituting eloquence and public trust for private lucre, may +be learned in your party schools:--for where faction and public venality +are taught as measures necessary to good government and general +prosperity--there every vice is to be expected. + +_Sir Per._ Oho! oho! vary weel! vary weel! fine slander upon ministers! +fine sedition against government! O, ye villain! you--you--you are a black +sheep;--and I'll mark you.--I am glad you shew yourself.--Yes, yes,--you +have taken off the mask at last;--you have been in my service for many +years, and I never knew your principles before. + +_Sid._ Sir, you never affronted them before:--if you had, you should have +known them sooner. + +_Sir Per._ It is vary weel.--I have done with you.--Ay, ay; now I can +account for my son's conduct--his aversion till courts, till ministers, +levees, public business, and his disobedience till my commands.--Ah! you +are a Judas--a perfidious fellow;--you have ruined the morals of my son, +you villain.--But I have done with you.--However, this I will prophecy at +our parting, for your comfort,--that guin you are so very squeamish about +bringing a lad and a lass together, or about doing sic an a harmless +innocent job for your patron, you will never rise in the church. + +_Sid._ Though my conduct, sir, should not make me rise in her power, I am +sure it will in her favour, in the favour of my own conscience too, and in +the esteem of all worthy men;--and that, sir, is a power and dignity +beyond what patrons, or any minister can bestow. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ What a rigorous, saucy, stiff-necked rascal it is! I see my +folly now.--I am undone by mine ain policy.--This Sidney is the last man +that shou'd have been about my son:--The fellow, indeed, hath given him +principles, that might have done vary weel among the ancient Romans,--but +are damn'd unfit for the modern Britons.--Weel, guin I had a thousand +sons, I never wou'd suffer one of these English, university-bred fellows +to be about a son of mine again;--for they have sic an a pride of +literature and character, and sic saucy, English notions of liberty +continually fermenting in their thoughts, that a man is never sure of +them. Now, if I had had a Frenchman, or a foreigner of any kind, about my +son, I cou'd have pressed him at once into my purpose,--or have kicked the +rascal out of my house in a twinkling.--But what am I to do?--Zoons! he +must nai marry this beggar;--I cannot sit down tamely under that.--Stay,-- +haud a wee.--By the blood, I have it.--Yes--I have hit upon it.--I'll have +the wench smuggled till the highlands of Scotland to-morrow morning.--Yes, +yes,--I'll have her smuggled-- + + _Enter_ BETTY HINT. + +_Bet._ O! sir,--I have got the whole secret out. + +_Sir Per._ About what? + +_Bet._ About Miss Constantia. I have just got all the particulars from +farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, Sukey Hilford. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, weel, but what is the story? Quick, quick--what is it? + +_Bet._ Why, sir, it is certain that Mrs. Constantia has a sweetheart--or +a husband,--a sort of a gentleman--or a gentleman's gentleman, they don't +know which--that lodges at Gaffer Hodges's--and it is whispered all about +the village that she is with child by him; for Sukey says she saw them +together last night in the dark walk--and Mrs. Constantia was all in +tears. + +_Sir Per._ Zoons! I am afraid this is too guid news to be true. + +_Bet._ O! sir, 'tis certainly true, for I myself have observed that she +has looked very pale for some time past--and could not eat,--and has +qualms every hour of the day.--Yes, yes, sir--depend upon it, she is +breeding, as sure as my name is Betty Hint..--Besides, sir, she has just +writ a letter to her gallant, and I have sent John Gardener to her, who is +to carry it to him to Hadley.--Now, sir, if your worship would seize it-- +See, see, sir,--here John comes with the letter in his hand. + +_Sir Per._ Step you out, Betty, and leave the fellow till me. + +_Bet._ I will, sir. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ JOHN, _with a Packet and a Letter._ + +_John._ [_Putting the packet into his pocket._] There--go you into my +pocket.--There's nobody in the library, so I'll e'en go thro' the short +way.--Let me see, what is the name?--Mel--Meltil--O, no!--Melville, at +Gaffer Hodges's. + +_Sir Per._ What letter is that, sir? + +_John._ Letter,sir! + +_Sir Per._ Give it me, sir. + +_John._ An't please you, sir, it is not mine. + +_Sir Per._ Deliver it this instant, sirrah, or I'll break your head. + +_John._ [_Giving the letter._] There, there your honour. + +_Sir Per._ Begone, rascal.--This, I suppose, will let us intill the whole +business. + +_John._ [_Aside._.] You have got the letter, old surly, but the packet is +safe in my pocket. I'll go and deliver that, however, for I will be true +to poor Mrs. Constantia in spite of you. [_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ [_Reading the letter._] Um--um 'and bless my eyes with the +sight of you.'--Um--um 'throw myself into your dear arms.' Zoons! 'this +letter is invaluable.---Aha! madam--yes--this will do--this will do, I +think.--Let me see, how is it directed--'To Mr. Melville.' Vary weel. + [_Enter_ Betty.] +O! Betty, you are an excellent wench,--this letter is worth a million. + +_Bet._ Is it as I suspected?--to her gallant? + +_Sir Per._ It is--it is.--Bid Constantia pack out of the house this +instant--and let them get a chaise ready to carry her wherever she +pleases.--But first send my wife and son hither. + +_Bet._ I shall, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Do so--begone. [_Exit_ Betty.] Aha! Maister Charles,--I believe +I shall cure you of your passion for a beggar now.--I think he cannot be +so infatuated as to be a dupe till a strumpet.--Let me see--how am I to +act now?--Why, like a true politician, I must pretend most sincerity +where I intend most deceit. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, _and Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT. + +Weel, Charles, notwithstanding the misery you have brought upon me,--I +have sent for you and your mother in order to convince you both of my +affection and my readiness to forgive,--nay, and even to indulge your +perverse passion:--for, since I find this Constantia has got hold of your +heart, and that your mother and you think that you can never be happy +without her, why, I'll nai longer oppose your inclinations. + +_Eger._ Dear sir, you snatch me from sharpest misery;--on my knees let my +heart thank you for this goodness. + +_Lady Mac._ Let me express my thanks too,--and my joy;--for had you not +consented to his marrying her, we all should have been miserable. + +_Sir Per._ Weel; I am glad I have found a way to please you both at +last.--But, my dear Charles, suppose now that this spotless vestal,--this +wonder of virtue,--this idol of your heart--shou'd be a concealed wanton +after aw,--or shou'd have an engagement of marriage or an intrigue with +another man,--and is only making a dupe of you aw this time:--I say, only +suppose it, Charles--what wou'd you think of her? + +_Eger._ I should think her the most deceitful, and the most subtle of her +sex, and, if possible, would never think of her again. + +_Sir Per._ Will you give me your honour of that? + +_Eger._ Most solemnly, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Enough.--I am satisfied,--You make me young again.--Your +prudence has brought tears of joy fra my very vitals.--I was afraid you +were fascinated with the charms of a crack.--Do you ken this hand? + +_Eger._ Mighty well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ And you, madam. + +_Lady Mac._ As well as I do my own, sir.--It is Constantia's. + +_Sir Per._ It is so; and a better evidence it is than any that can be +given by the human tongue. Here is a warm, rapturous, lascivious letter +under the hypocritical syren's ain hand--her ain hand, sir. + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, let us hear it. + +_Sir Per._ Ay, ay;--here--take and read it yourself.--Eloisa never writ a +warmer nor a ranker to her Abelard--but judge yourselves. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have only time to tell you, that the family came +down sooner than I expected, and that I cannot bless my eyes with the +sight of you till the evening.--The notes, and jewels, which the bearer +of this will deliver to you, were presented to me, since I saw you, by the +son of my benefactor'-- + +_Sir Per._ [_Interrupts him by his remarks._] Now mark. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'All which I beg you will convert to your immediate +use'-- + +_Sir Per._ Mark, I say. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'For my heart has no room for any wish or fortune, +but what contributes to your relief and happiness'-- + +_Sir Per._ Oh! Charles, Charles, do you see, sir, what a dupe she makes +of you? But mark what follows. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'O! how I long to throw myself into your dear, dear +arms; to sooth your fears, your apprehensions, and your sorrows'-- + +_Sir Per._ I suppose the spark has heard of your offering to marry her, +and is jealous of you. + +_Eger._ Sir, I can only say I am astonished. + +_Lady Mac._ It is incredible. + +_Sir Per._ Stay, stay, read it out--read it out, pray: ah! she is a subtle +devil. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'I have something to tell you of the utmost moment, +but will reserve it till we meet this evening in the dark walk'-- + +_Sir Per._ In the dark walk--in the dark walk--ah! an evil-eyed curse +upon her! yes, yes! she has been often in the dark walk, I believe:--But, +read on. + +_Eger._ [_Reads._] 'In the mean time banish all fears, and hope the +best from fortune, and your ever dutiful CONSTANTIA HARRINGTON.' + +_Sir Per._ There--there's a warm epistle for you! in short, the hussy, +you must know, is married till the fellow. + +_Eger._ Not unlikely, sir. + +_Lady Mac._ Indeed, by her letter, I believe she is. + +_Sir Per._ Nay, I know she is: but look at the hand--peruse it--convince +yourselves. + +_Eger._ Yes, yes, it is her hand; I know it well, sir. + +_Sir Per._ Madam, will you look at it? perhaps it may be forged. + +_Lady Mac._ No, sir, it is no forgery.--Well! after this, I think I shall +never trust human nature. + +_Sir Per._ Now, madam, what amends can you make me for countenancing your +son's passion for sic a strumpet? And you, sir, what have you to say for +your disobedience and your frenzy? O! Charles, Charles-- + +_Eger._ Pray, sir, be patient; compose yourself a moment: I will make you +any compensation in my power. + +_Sir Per._ Then instantly sign the articles of marriage. + +_Eger._ The lady, sir, has never yet been consulted; and I have some +reason to believe that her heart is engaged to another man. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, that is nai business of yours.--I know she will consent +and that's aw we are to consider.--O! here comes my lord. + + _Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT. + +_Lord Lum._ Sir Pertinax, ever thing is ready, and the lawyers wait for +us. + +_Sir Per._ We attend your lordship. Where is Lady Rodolpha? + +_Lord Lum._ Giving some female consolation to poor Constantia.--Why, +my lady, ha, ha, ha! I hear your vestal has been flirting. + +_Sir Per._ Yes, yes, my lord, she is in vary guid order for any man +that wants a wife and an heir till his estate intill the bargain. + + _Enter_ SAM. + +_Sam._ Sir, there is a man below that wants to speak to your honour +upon particular business. + +_Sir Per._ Sir, I cannot speak till any body now--he must come another +time;--hand--stay--what--is he a gentleman? + +_Sam._ He looks something like one, sir--a sort of a gentleman--but +he seems to be in a kind of a passion, for when I asked his name, he +answered hastily, it is no matter, friend,--go, tell your master there is +a gentleman here that _must_ speak to him directly. + +_Sir Per._ Must! ha? vary peremptory indeed; pr'ythee, let's see him +for curiosity sake. [_Exit_ Sam. + + _Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA. + +_Lady Rod._ O! my Lady Macsycophant, I am come an humble advocate +for a weeping piece of female frailty, wha begs she may be permitted +to speak till your ladyship, before you finally reprobate her. + +_Sir Per._ I beg your pardon, Lady Rodolpha, but it must not be: +see her she shall not. + +_Lady Mac._ Nay, there can be no harm, my dear, in hearing what she has to +say for herself. + +_Sir Per._ I tell you, it shall not be. + +_Lady Mac._ Well, my dear, I have done. + + _Enter_ SAM _and_ MELVILLE. + +_Sam._ Sir, that is my master. + +_Sir Per._ Weel, sir, what is your urgent business with me? + +_Mel._ To shun disgrace, and punish baseness. + +_Sir Per._ Punish baseness! what does the fellow mean? Wha are you, sir? + +_Mel._ A man, sir--and one, whose fortune once bore as proud a sway as any +within this county's limits. + +_Lord Lum._ You seem to be a soldier, sir. + +_Mel._ I was, sir; and have the soldier's certificate to prove my +service--rags and scars. In my heart, for ten long years in India's +parching clime I bore my country's cause; and in noblest dangers sustained +it with my sword: at length ungrateful peace has laid me down where +welcome war first took me up,--in poverty, and the dread of cruel +creditors.--Paternal affection brought me to my native land, in quest of +an only child:--I found her, as I thought, amiable as parental fondness +could desire; but lust and foul seduction have snatched her from me, +and hither am I come, fraught with a father's anger, and a soldier's +honour, to seek the seducer and glut revenge. + +_Lady Mac._ Pray, sir, who is your daughter? + +_Mel._ I blush to own her--but--Constantia. + +_Eger._ Is Constantia your daughter, sir? + +_Mel._ She is; and was the only comfort that nature, fortune, or my own +extravagance had left me. + +_Sir Per._ Guid traith, then, I fancy you will find but vary little +comfort fra her, for she is nai better than she shou'd be.--She has had +nai damage in this mansion. I am told she is with bairn, but you may gang +till Hadley, till one farmer Hodges's, and there you may learn the whole +story, and wha the father of the bairn is, fra a cheeld they call +Melville. + +_Mel._ Melville! + +_Sir Per._ Yes, sir, Melville. + +_Mel._ O! would to heaven she had no crime to answer, but her commerce +with Melville.--No, sir, he is not the man; it is your son, your Egerton, +that has seduced her; and here, sir, are the evidence of his seduction. + +_Eger._ Of my seduction! + +_Mel._ Of yours, sir, if your name be Egerton. + +_Eger._ I am that man, sir; but pray, what is your evidence? + +_Mel._ These bills, and these gorgeous jewels, not to be had in her menial +state, but at the price of chastity.--Not an hour since she sent them-- +impudently sent them--by a servant of this house--contagious infamy +started from their touch. + +_Eger._ Sir, perhaps you may be mistaken concerning the terms on which she +received them.--Do you but clear her conduct with Melville, and I will +instantly satisfy your fears concerning the jewels and her virtue. + +_Mel._ Sir, you give me new life: you are my better angel. I believe in +your words--your looks:--know then, I am that Melville. + +_Sir Per._ How, sir! you that Melville, that was at farmer Hodges's? + +_Mel._ The same, sir: it was he brought my Constantia to my arms; lodged +and secreted me--once my lowly tenant--now my only friend. The fear of +inexorable creditors made me change my name from Harrington to Melville, +till I could see and consult some who once called themselves my friends. + +_Eger._ Sir, suspend your fears and anger but for a few minutes; I will +keep my word with you religiously, and bring your Constantia to your arms, +as virtuous, and as happy as you could wish her. [_Exit with Lady_ Mac. + +_Sir Per._ The clearing up of this wench's virtue is damned unlucky: I am +afraid it will ruin aw our affairs again:--However, I have one stroke +still in my head that will secure the bargain with my lord, let matters +gang as they will. [_Aside._] But I wonder, Maister Melville, that you did +nai pick up some little matter of siller in the Indies; ah! there have +been bonny fortunes snapt up there, of late years, by some of the military +blades. + +_Mel._ It is very true, sir: but it is an observation among soldiers, that +there are some men who never meet with any thing in the service but blows +and ill fortune.--I was one of those, even to a proverb. + +_Sir Per._ Ah! 'tis pity, sir, a great pity now, that you did nai get a +Mogul, or some sic an animal, intill your clutches. Ah! I should like to +have the strangling of a Nabob, the rummaging of his gold dust, his jewel +closet, and aw his magazines of bars and ingots. Ha, ha, ha!--guid traith +naw, sic an a fellow would be a bonny cheeld to bring till this town, and +to exhibit him riding on an elephant: upon honour, a man might raise a +poll-tax by him, that would gang near to pay the debts of the nation. + + _Enter_ EGERTON, CONSTANTIA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, _and_ SIDNEY. + +_Eger._ Sir, I promised to satisfy your fears concerning your daughter's +virtue; and my best proof to you, and all the world, that I think her not +only the most chaste, but the most deserving of her sex, is, that I have +made her the partner of my heart, and the tender guardian of my earthly +happiness for life. + +_Sir Per._ How! married! + +_Eger._ I know, sir, at present we shall meet your anger; but time, +reflection, and our dutiful conduct, we hope, will reconcile you to our +happiness. + +_Sir Per._ Never, never--and could I make you, her, and aw your issue, +beggars, I would move hell, heaven, and earth, to do it. + +_Lord Lum._ Why, Sir Pertinax, this is a total revolution, and will +entirely ruin my affairs. + +_Sir Per._ My lord, with the consent of your lordship, and Lady Rodolpha, +I have an expedient to offer, that will not only punish that rebellious +villain, but answer every end that your lordship and the lady proposed by +the intended match with him. + +_Lord Lum._ I doubt it much, Sir Pertinax--I doubt it much:--But what is +it, sir?--What is your expedient? + +_Sir Per._ My lord, I have another son, and, provided the lady and your +lordship have nai objection till him, every article of that rebel's +intended marriage shall be amply fulfilled upon Lady Rodolpha's union with +my younger son. + +_Lord Lum._ Why that is an expedient indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But what say +you, Rodolpha? + +_Lady Rod._ Nay, nay, my lord, as I had nai reason to have the least +affection till my cousin Egerton, and as my intended marriage with him was +entirely an act of obedience till my grandmother, provided my cousin Sandy +will be as agreeable till her ladyship as my cousin Charles here wou'd +have been,--I have nai the least objection till the change. Ay, ay! one +brother is as guid till Rodolpha as another. + +_Sir Per._ I'll answer, madam, for your grandmother.--Now, my lord, what +say you? + +_Lord Lum._ Nay, Sir Pertinax, so the agreement stands, all is right +again. Come, child, let us begone.--Ay, ay, so my affairs are made easy, +it is equal to me whom she marries.--I say, Sir Pertinax, let them be but +easy, and rat me, if I care if she concorporates with the Cham of Tartary. +[_Exit._ + +_Sir Per._ As to you, my Lady Macsycophant, I suppose you concluded, +before you gave your consent till this match, that there wou'd be an end +of aw intercourse betwixt you and me.--Live with your Constantia, madam, +your son, and that black sheep there.--Live with them.--You shall have a +jointure, but not a bawbee besides, living or dead, shall you, or any of +your issue, ever see of mine;--and so, my vengeance light upon you aw +together. [_Exit._ + +_Lady Rod._ Weel, cousin Egerton, in spite of the ambitious frenzy of your +father, and the thoughtless dissipation of mine, Don Cupid has at last +carried his point in favour of his devotees.--But I must now take my +leave.--Lady Macsycophant, your most obedient.--Maister Sidney, yours.-- +Permit me, Constantia, to have the honour of congratulating myself on our +alliance. + +_Con._ Madam, I shall ever study to deserve and to return this kindness. + +_Lady Rod._ I am sure you will.--But ah!--I neglect my poor Sandy aw this +while! and, guid traith, mine ain heart begins to tell me what his feels, +and chides me for tarrying so long.--I will therefore fly till him on the +wings of love and guid news;--for I am sure the poor lad is pining with +the pip of expectation and anxious jeopardy. And so, guid folks, I will +leave you with the fag end of an auld North-Country wish:--'May mutual +love and guid humour be the guests of your hearts, the theme of your +tongues, and the blithsome subjects of aw your tricksey dreams through the +rugged road of this deceitful world; and may our fathers be an example +till ourselves to treat our bairns better than they have treated us.' +[_Exit._ + +_Eger._ You seem melancholy, sir. + +_Mel._ These precarious turns of fortune, sir, will press upon the +heart,--for, notwithstanding my Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers-- +I own I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misfortunes should be the +cause of any disagreement between a father, and the man to whom I am under +the most endearing obligations. + +_Eger._ You have no share in his disagreement; for had not you been born, +from my father's nature, some other cause of his resentment must have +happened.--But for a time at least, sir, and, I hope, for life, affliction +and angry vicissitudes have taken their leaves of us all.--If affluence +can procure content and ease, they are within our reach.--My fortune is +ample, and shall be dedicated to the happiness of this domestic circle.-- + + _My scheme, tho' mock'd by knave, coquet, and fool, + To thinking minds will prove this golden rule; + In all pursuits, but chiefly in a wife, + Not wealth, but morals, make the happy life._ + + +FINIS. + + + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_ + +H. RICHARD ARCHER +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + +E.N. HOOKER +University of California, Los Angeles + +R.C. BOYS +University of Michigan + +JOHN LOFTIS +University of California, Los Angeles + +The society exists to make available inexpensive reprints (usually +facsimile reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. + +The editorial policy of the Society continues unchanged. As in the past, +the editors welcome suggestions concerning publications. + +All correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and +Canada should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2205 West Adams Blvd., Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. Membership fee continues $2.50 per year. British and European +subscribers should address B.H. 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Selected and with an Introduction by Benjamin +Boyce. + +THOMAS SPRAT: _Poems_. + +SIR WILLIAM PETTY: _The Advice of W.P. to Mr. Samuel Hartlib for the +Advancement of some particular Parts of Learning_ (1648). + +THOMAS GRAY: _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751). 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Richard Blackmore's _Essay upon Wit_ (1716), and Addison's _Freeholder_ +No. 45 (1716). + +2. Samuel Cobb's _Of Poetry_ and _Discourse on Criticism_ (1707). + +3. _Letter to A.H. Esq.; concerning the Stage_ (1698), and Richard Willis' +_Occasional Paper No. IX_ (1698). (OUT OF PRINT) + +4. _Essay on Wit_ (1748), together with Characters by Flecknoe, and Joseph +Warton's _Adventurer_ Nos. 127 and 133. (OUT OF PRINT) + +5. Samuel Wesley's _Epistle to a Friend Concerning Poetry_ (1700) and +_Essay on Heroic Poetry_ (1693). + +6. _Representation of the Impiety and Immorality of the Stage_ (1704) and +_Some Thoughts Concerning the Stage_ (1704). + + +Second Year (1947-1948) + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit from +_The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc._ +(1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +Third Year (1948-1949) + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ (1712); +and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespear_ +(1709). + +18. Aaron Hill's-Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton's Preface +to _Esther_. + + +Fourth Year (1949-1950) + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobald's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. _Critical Remarks on Sir Charles Gradison, Clarissa, and Pamela_ +(1754). + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Pierre Nicole's _An Essay on True and Apparent Beauty in Which from +Settled Principles is Rendered the Grounds for Choosing and Rejecting +Epigrams,_ translated by J.V. 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