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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical performance,
+entitled _The German Blacksmith_, of which he was part author. It is not
+yet known in what way his people had offended him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted the
+Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even prepared to
+put out his tongue at the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of selling
+his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest German Note to
+America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given them away.
+
+       ***
+
+As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance in
+Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported that
+the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the _rôle_
+of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the furtherance of the
+league to enforce peace.
+
+       ***
+
+Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg _Fremdenblatt_,
+received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of the Fatherland, fight
+on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers have written across the
+cards, "Fight on what?"
+
+       ***
+
+After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in this
+country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few honourable
+exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien business men
+have sedulously concealed their identity.
+
+       ***
+
+The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+already thrown out some nice strong suckers.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1_s._ 6_d._ a pound in Norwich."
+But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of Wensleydale
+cheese in Ilfracombe.
+
+       ***
+
+The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, the
+other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. It
+appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal before a
+new Government department commandeered the place.
+
+       ***
+
+The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+expenses shall not exceed 4_d._ per elector in three-member boroughs, and
+several political agents have written to point out that it cannot possibly
+be done in view of the recent increase in the price of beer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course from
+18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved should be
+added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal from the FOOD
+CONTROLLER.
+
+       ***
+
+A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13_s._ 6_d._ a week, board and
+lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work fifteen hours a day. It
+is understood that this insidious attempt to popularise agriculture at the
+expense of the army has been the subject of a heated interchange of letters
+between the War Office and the Board of Agriculture.
+
+       ***
+
+"The warmest places in England yesterday," says _The Pall Mall Gazette_,
+"were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got into trouble
+before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great Britain as
+England, but we never said a thing like that.
+
+       ***
+
+A London doctor, says _The Daily Mail_, estimates that colds cost this
+country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once that
+we think the charge is excessive.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph messenger
+running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a position to
+clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in question was in the
+act of going off duty.
+
+       ***
+
+There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets--until a suitable
+palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary responsible
+for this feature.
+
+       ***
+
+The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is likely
+that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in vogue in
+Soho restaurants.
+
+       ***
+
+The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, and
+several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if income tax
+has been deducted at the source.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T
+YOU HEAR ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"
+
+_Geordie (a trade-unionist)._ "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE KILLED MA
+FOWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke of York's
+    in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+    1894."--_The Stage_.
+
+Is it _really_ only twenty-three years?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant surprise. A
+    sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into glassy ice,
+    which made walking impossible without some assistance. A walking-stick,
+    without some sort of boot covering, was of little avail."--_Oxford
+    Times_.
+
+That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+bootless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD-LARKS.
+
+Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an uninterrupted
+view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a packing-case
+floating on an ocean of ooze.
+
+We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.
+
+The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end of
+you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the spot
+where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and indented for
+another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case might be).
+
+Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a tin
+lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with our
+own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its little
+drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any business,
+the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each other all over
+the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep o'day severely
+Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it rakishly Rococo.
+
+William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly piping
+all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it back into
+shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the term.
+
+Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full of
+merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party, but
+what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the transport
+mules he had become a saddened man.
+
+Between them--the mules and the mess--he never got a whole night in bod;
+either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into strange lines
+and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on the job and the
+mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the perfect little
+gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us (instead of
+assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was, is, or will be)
+our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans never forgot himself
+for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The Heavies, for instance.
+The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into position behind our hill,
+disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and gave an impression of the
+crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.
+
+Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William piped
+all hands on deck.
+
+The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's skin,
+flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress. Albert
+Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and shutting
+at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to keep it from
+working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was coming adrift
+from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere, giving advice and
+falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through every style of
+architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss châlet, and was on the point
+of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the Heavies switched off
+their hate and went to bed. And not a second too soon. Another moment and I
+should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward would have been sea-sick, and
+the Skipper would have let the east wing go west.
+
+We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing to
+withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the very
+next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of preliminary
+warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay littered about a
+quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and miserably surveyed the
+ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The field guns had gone to
+bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the Hun, couldn't have made
+a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a mystery; so we all lifted up our
+voices and wailed for William. He was Mess President; it was his fault, of
+course.
+
+At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before him
+by bashing it with a mallet.
+
+According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport mule,
+inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always been
+something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him up.
+He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited by
+William and the mallet.
+
+So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk lovingly
+of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the wonderful
+view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the homely tune our
+shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a stormy night.
+
+And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange sound
+stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+I.
+
+  Goddess, hear me--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+  Patroness of parturition,
+  Pray make this a special mission;
+  Prove a kind inaugurator
+  Of my votive incubator!
+
+  Seventy eggs I put into it--
+  Each a chick, if you ensue it.
+  Pray you, let me not be saddled
+  With a single "clear" or addled.
+  See! the temperature is steady.
+  Now then, Goddess, _are you ready?_
+
+  Hear me, Goddess, next invoking
+  You to keep the lamp from smoking,
+  And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're
+  _Sure_ to regulate the moisture?
+  Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping
+  When we hear the eggs all pipping!
+
+  When no chick the shell encumbers,
+  Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!
+  Then, O patroness of hatches,
+  We will try some further batches.
+  Goddess, hear me!--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY.--Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet two
+    respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+    above.--T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O., Paradise."--_Melbourne
+    Argus._
+
+If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+selected a really promising postal address.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German destroyer V69
+    and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden, to-night. My
+    correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour. After some
+    Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began to sing
+    Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them even
+better?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLAIN DUTY.
+
+"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY BIT,
+THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE WAR LOAN,
+THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STICK TO HIM--STICK TO HIM!"
+
+"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+IV.
+
+MY DEAR JERRY,--I am writing this from my position on top of a small hill,
+while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits for me to speak.
+I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere else I should have
+to climb down this hill and then up another one. I hate hills. So does the
+devoted band.
+
+Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks an
+army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we fix
+and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This, we
+hope, affects the enemy's _moral_, and having your _moral_ affected every
+ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.
+
+The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is true
+from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last three
+months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted them not to
+be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh heartily, nay
+uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.
+
+Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the antheap
+beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to you
+Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.
+
+When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days), he
+was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his comrades;
+for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really big stalks
+in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older ants would
+step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him, always ending
+by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never dismayed.
+
+Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but his
+triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and two
+bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his burden, and
+fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he recovered he would
+try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he succeeded in effecting an
+entrance after twenty-three successive chuck-outs.
+
+His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.
+
+'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a venerable
+ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years, approached
+the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He swore and
+struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant subordinates stood
+about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized his plank, dashed
+forward--you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is the gospel truth--saluted
+smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort of ladder. Supporting himself
+upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw
+him asking someone the lad's name.
+
+That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+there must have been some lack of discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+addressed him as "Erb."
+
+Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now make
+a martial noise, so _au revoir._
+
+          Thine,
+          PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.
+
+_Tommy_ (_by roadside_). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO THE PICTURES?"
+
+_Highlander_. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE GUARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Motor Cycle_ says over 165,000 magnates have been made in Britain
+    for war purposes."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent virgil than
+    to anything else."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the Fleet,
+but he might have allowed him a capital initial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in Germany 800
+    waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."      _Manchester Evening
+    News_.
+
+A notable instance of large-handed generosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIX VILE VERBS.
+
+(_To the makers of journalese, and others, from a fastidious reader._)
+
+  When I see on a poster
+    A programme which "features"
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other
+    Delectable creatures,
+  I feel just as if
+    Someone hit me a slam
+  Or a strenuous biff
+    On the mid diaphragm.
+
+  When I read in a story,
+    Though void of offences,
+  That somebody "glimpses"
+    Or somebody "senses,"
+  The chord that is struck
+    Fills my bosom with ire,
+  And I'm ready to chuck
+    The whole book in the fire.
+
+  When against any writer
+    It's urged that he "stresses"
+  His points, or that something
+    His fancy "obsesses,"
+  In awarding his blame
+    Though the critic be right,
+  Yet I feel all the same
+    I could shoot him at sight.
+
+  But (worst of these horrors)
+    Whenever I read
+  That somebody "voices"
+    A national need,
+  As the Bulgars and Greeks
+    Are abhorred by the Serb,
+  So I feel toward the freaks
+    Who employ this vile verb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for their
+    township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+    considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+    _Botherham Advertiser_.
+
+Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."      _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+deep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-CHAR.
+
+    SCENE.--_A square in Kensington. At every other door is seen the lady
+    of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush, rags,
+    metal-polish, etc._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    In days before the War
+      Had turned the world to Hades
+        We did not soil
+        Our hands with toil--
+      We all were perfect ladies;
+    To scrub the kitchen floor
+      Was _infra dig._--disgusting;
+        We'd cook, at most,
+        A slice of toast
+      Or do a bit of dusting.
+
+    But those old days are flown,
+      And now we ply our labours:
+        We cook and scrub,
+        We scour and rub,
+      Regardless of our neighbours;
+    The steps we bravely stone,
+      Nor care a straw who passes
+        The while we clean
+        With shameless mien
+      Quite brazenly the brasses.
+
+  _First Lady_. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?
+  _Second Lady_. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.
+  _Third Lady_. What clothes! What furs!
+  _First Lady_. And tango boots! How thrilling!
+    They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.
+  _Second Lady_. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?
+  _Third Lady_. It would be spoke to.
+  _Second Lady_.          Would it?
+  _First Lady_.                    Let us see!
+
+                  _Enter the_ Super-Char.
+
+  _Super-char_. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say
+    You 'adn't got no servants round this way,
+    And as I've time on 'and--more than I wish,
+    Seein' as all the kids is in munish--
+    I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige
+    Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+      O joy! O rapture!
+      If we capture
+          Such a prize as this!
+    Then we may become once more
+    Ladies, as in days of yore,
+    Lay aside the brooms and pails,
+    Manicure our broken nails,
+    Try the last complexion cream--
+    What a dream
+          Of bliss!
+
+  _Super-Char_. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!
+    I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?
+  _First Lady. _I want a charlady from ten to four,
+    To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.
+  _Super-Char. _Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,
+    What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?
+  _Second Lady_. I want a lady who will kindly call
+    And help me dust the dining-room and hall;
+    At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,
+    And sometimes do a little washing up.
+  _Super-Char_. A little bit of dusting I might lump,
+    But washing up--it gives me fair the 'ump!
+    Next, please!
+  _Third Lady_. My foremost thought would always be
+    The comfort of the lady helping me.
+    We have a cask of beer that's solely for
+    Your use--we are teetotal for the War.
+    I am a cook of more than moderate skill;
+    I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will--
+    Soups, entrées.
+  _Super-Char_. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!
+    So kindly let me 'ave your reference,
+    And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,
+    Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.
+  _Third Lady_. My last good lady left six months ago
+    Because she said I'd singed the _soufflé_ so;
+    She gave me no address to write to--
+  _Super-Char_. What!
+    You've got no reference?
+  _Third Lady_.     Alas, I've not!
+  _Super-Char_. Of course I could not dream of taking you
+    Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.
+    These women--'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!
+    Hi! (_she hails a passing taxi_) Drive me to the nearest cinema.
+                  [_She steps into the taxi and is whirled off._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream;
+    Not yet the barber dresses
+    Our dusty tousled tresses;
+    The thought of titivation
+      Is still a distant dream;
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream.
+
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub;
+    With rag and metal polish
+    The dirt we must demolish;
+    Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,
+      Among the grates we grub;
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub.
+
+                  CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.
+
+"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can tell
+you of a rum un that happened to me."
+
+It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he ought to
+be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.
+
+"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker called
+the _Pearl of Asia_. Her old man at that time was old Captain Gillson, him
+that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place o' the one
+that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was walkin' out
+with a young woman at Liverpool--nice young thing--an' she give me a ring
+to keep to remember 'er by, the day before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it
+had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.
+
+"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a bit
+of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my bunk.
+
+"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from Portland,
+Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin' lump o' pay
+I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot all about the
+ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk yonder.
+
+"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to Liverpool,
+to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in Liverpool was
+the young woman I 'ad the ring of.
+
+"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.
+
+"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched her
+a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I vallied
+'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd slid down
+the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad behind me, I was
+that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.
+
+"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty yaller
+gals ye sing about.'
+
+"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we went on
+like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard the old
+_Pearl_ again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an' send it you in a
+letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for the nasty way you've
+spoke to me,' I says.
+
+"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,' an'
+off she goes with 'er nose in the air.
+
+"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of droppin'
+acrost the _Pearl_ there, for she was bound the same way. But I never did.
+She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward passage, and had to
+put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she never got to Frisco
+until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way it went on. She kep'
+dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest I got to 'er was when
+we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward bound, when we was just
+pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er after that was from a feller
+that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal
+or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I was in the Western Ocean mail-boat
+service at the time, and so o' course she was off my run altogether.
+
+"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger business
+an' went on the North Sea patrol.
+
+"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o' duty,
+and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They generally
+takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o' foreign
+languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I couldn't
+make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink bad.
+
+"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there was
+a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our work
+cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the _Maria de
+Somethink-or-other_--some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for the
+lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a suddent.
+
+"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen that
+there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I 'ad,
+for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was, too.
+
+"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the _Pearl of
+Asia_; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess she was
+in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop railin's as would
+'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.
+
+"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm goin'
+for'ard a minute.'
+
+"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+right, just like I left it."
+
+He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but it
+lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the girl
+after all?"
+
+"Oh! '_er!_" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er name and
+all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them monkey-boats of
+ELDER DEMPSTER'S--'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever struck."
+
+"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"
+
+He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical expression.
+
+"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it weren't."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_to private told off to act as caddie_). "NOW I
+HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF. HAVE
+YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP, SIR." (_Colonel
+is put off again._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Miss ----, the World-renounced Teacher of Dancing."--_Southern Standard_.
+
+Another victim of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Major-General_ (_addressing the men before practising an
+attack behind the lines_). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (_turning to
+the Regimental Sergeant-Major_) WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?"
+
+_Sergeant-Major_. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO TOWSER.
+
+  No pampered pound of peevish fluff
+  That goggles from a lady's muff
+  Art thou, my Towser. In the Park
+  Thy form occasions no remark
+  Unless it be a friendly call
+  From soldiers walking in the Mall,
+  Or the impertinence of pugs
+  Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.
+  For thou art sturdy and thy fur
+  Is rougher than the prickly burr,
+  Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"
+  (Inherited, but Lord knows how!)
+  Far other than the frenzied yaps
+  That emanate from ladies' laps,
+  Thou art, in fact, of doggy size
+  And hast the brown and faithful eyes,
+  So full of love, so void of blame,
+  That fill a master's heart with shame
+  Because he knows he never can
+  Be more a dog and less a man.
+  No champion of a hundred shows,
+  The prey of every draught that blows,
+  Art thou; in fact thy charms present
+  The earmarks of a mixed descent.
+  And, though too proud to start a fight
+  With every cur that looms in sight,
+  None ever saw thee quail beneath
+  A foeman worthy of thy teeth.
+  Thou art, in brief, a model hound,
+  Not so much beautiful as sound
+  In heart and limb; not always strong
+  When nose and eyes impel to wrong,
+  Nor always doing just as bid,
+  But sterling as the minted quid.
+  And I have loved thee in my fashion,
+  Shared with thy face my frugal ration,
+  Squandered my balance at the bank
+  When thou didst chew the postman's shank,
+  And gone in debt replacing stocks
+  Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.
+  And, when they claimed the annual fee
+  That seals the bond twixt thee and me,
+  Against harsh Circumstance's edge
+  Did I not put my fob in pledge
+  And cheat the minions of excise
+  Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?
+  And thou with leaps of lightsome mood
+  Didst bark eternal gratitude
+  And seek my feelings to assail
+  With agitations of the tail.
+  Yet are there beings lost to grace
+  Who claim that thou art out of place,
+  That when the dogs of war are loose
+  Domestic kinds are void of use,
+  And that a chicken or a hog
+  Should take the place of every dog,
+  Which, though with appetite endued,
+  Is not itself a source of food.
+  What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll
+  Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal
+  That men begrudge us, and we'll take
+  Our leave of bones and puppy cake.
+  Back to the woods we'll hie, and there
+  Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,
+  Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,
+  Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig
+  With practised paw and eager snuffle
+  The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.
+                  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural course of
+    the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its ffllww."--_Star_.
+
+It certainly sounds rather diverting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of gramophone records:--
+
+    "Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the emission of the
+    cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the horn--which might
+    indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."
+
+"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes the
+sender of the extract.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ROAD TO VICTORY."
+
+GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"
+
+ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE ZEPPELINS
+THEY'RE MAKIN'?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM OVER 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAXIS AND TALK.
+
+Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.
+
+Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether or
+not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely reminding
+you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women, tend, even
+in the street and when the thermometer is below freezing-point, to a high
+seriousness rare when the sexes are mingled.
+
+Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and all
+uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other, or
+none at all, I am accompanying him.
+
+_He_ (_looking at his watch_). I've got to be at Grosvenor Gardens by
+half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk fast and
+perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (_He said, as a matter of
+fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print that I shall
+employ alternatives every time. Someone really must institute a close
+season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on the stage; and,
+since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty, that, in the present
+state of the wit market, would be privation indeed._)
+
+_I_ (_submerged by brain wave_). Perhaps we'll meet one.
+
+_He._ Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by half-past
+one, and I hate to be late.
+
+_I._ Those tailors you were asking me about--I think you'll find them very
+decent people. They----
+
+_He_ (_excitedly_). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes, the driver
+    casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling friend._
+
+_He._ I thought it was free.
+
+_I._ The flag was down.
+
+_He._ I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.
+
+_I._ Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change, you know,
+I could----
+
+_He._ Do you mind walking a little faster?
+
+_I_ (_mendaciously_). Not at all. I could give you my card, don't you know.
+But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To me they seem to be
+first-rate, as tailors go.
+
+_He_ (_profoundly--though he is not more profound than I am_). Of course,
+as tailors go.
+
+_I._ They 're best at----
+
+_He_ (_excited again_). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No, it's engaged.
+
+_I_ (_with a kind impulse_). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you whether the
+flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther than you.
+
+_He._ Do.
+
+_I._ I was always rather famous for long sight. It's----
+
+_He (turning round)_). Isn't that one behind us? Is that free?
+
+_I._ I can't tell yet.
+
+_He._ Surely the flag's up.
+
+    [_He steps into the road and waves his stick._
+
+_I._ It's a private car.
+
+_He._ Hang the thing! so it is. They ought to be painted white or
+something. Life is not worth living just now.
+
+_I._ They're best for trousers, I should say. Their overcoats----
+
+_He_ (_pointing up side-street_). Isn't that one there? Hi, taxi! Good
+heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk faster. If there
+isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If there's one thing I
+hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry. When I'm hungry I'm
+miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.
+
+_I._ As I was saying----
+
+_He._ What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on the
+streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of them,
+but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal--a positive outrage.
+
+_I._ Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how it is, but
+they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good in other ways,
+you know, that really if you are thinking----
+
+_He._ Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a noise which
+    sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on._
+
+_He._ Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's that he
+said?
+
+_I._ It sounded like "dinner."
+
+_He._ Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the world coming
+to?
+
+_I_ (_brilliantly_). Perhaps he's hungry.
+
+_He._ Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to take you
+because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway. (_Looking
+at his watch_) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't mind, do you?
+
+_I_ (_more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak_). Oh, no.
+
+    [_We both begin to scuttle, half run and half walk._
+
+_I_ (_panting_). As I was saying, they're not A1 at overcoats, but they've
+a first-class cutter for everything else. Just tell me if you want to
+change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get special treatment.
+There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.
+
+_He_ (_breathlessly_). Ah! There's the rank. There's just one cab there.
+How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run like Heaven.
+
+_I_ (_running like Heaven_). I think I'll leave you here.
+
+_He_ (_running still more like Heaven, a little ahead_). Oh no, come on. I
+want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick like Heaven!
+
+    [_We both wave our sticks like Heaven._
+
+_He_ (_subsiding into a walk_). Ah! it's all right. He's seen us. (_Taking
+out his watch_) I've got four minutes. We shall just do it. Good-bye.
+
+    [_He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I shall get
+    lunch._
+
+_He_ (_shouting from window_). Let me know about those tailors some day; if
+they're any good, you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"
+
+"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."
+
+"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said Mr.
+    Williams."--_Star_.
+
+With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the KING'S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DONKEYS.--Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply M.S."
+          _Advt. in Colonial Paper_.
+
+We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the best
+of luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."
+
+It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had been
+administered to him, that _Anthony_ got there; but we were in Wonderland
+almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were asked to
+believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an ideal which
+no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had caught a
+glimpse of it in the creations of Art--at the Tate Gallery or Madame
+TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.
+
+And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven hundred
+thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married by a
+given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives--a couple of
+sisters and their husbands--to find a wife for him. After vainly trying him
+with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had resort, in
+desperation, to the black art of a certain _Mr. Mortimer John_ (U.S.A.), an
+infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid diagnosis of the case and
+at once pronounced himself confident of success.
+
+Briefly--for it is a long and elaborate story--his scheme is to choose a
+charming girl, and make a film drama round her. _Anthony_, with family, is
+taken to see the show and occupies the best box in the Prince of Wales's
+Theatre, from which, after a little critical comment upon us in the
+audience, he falls in love with the heroine. It is the typical film of
+lurid life on a Californian ranch, and might almost have been modelled on
+one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques. There are the familiar scenes of a
+plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly alternating with scenes of her
+progress on horseback through the primeval forest, and concluding with her
+arrival just in time to shoot the villain and untie the noose that
+encircles her lover's carotid.
+
+On the return of the party from the cinema, _Mortimer John_ describes to
+_Anthony_ the powers of a drug which induces the most vivid of dreams. He,
+_John_, had once been in _Anthony's_ pitiful case, and through the services
+of this drug had achieved his quest of the ideal woman. _Anthony_, greatly
+intrigued, consents to swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple
+narcotic, and under its influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a
+suitable change of apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he
+is restored to animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama
+re-enacted before his eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the
+impression that this is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised,
+he himself takes part in the living drama, playing the noble _rôle_ of an
+exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+eternal love with _Aloney_ the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of heroic
+self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving the
+heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve this
+end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity which is
+the very breath of the film-drama.
+
+[Illustration: AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.
+
+_Anthony Silvertree_ MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.
+
+_Aloney_ MISS WINIFRED BARNES.]
+
+The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and under
+its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+confronted with the lady of his "dream," and _Mortimer John_ secures a
+colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of selecting
+his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for his
+son-in-law.
+
+The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life into the
+regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to be just
+conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of the scheme
+is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two, though
+lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.
+
+But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was really
+delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a cinema
+hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in Montague
+Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he imagines it
+to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of sacrifices, had a great
+chance. And he took it.
+
+As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the mercenary
+designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very naïvely and
+prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the most
+discouraging conditions. As _Mortimer John_ Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had
+admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of _Anthony's_
+relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA BILBROOKE was an
+attractive figure, and the part of _Herbert Clatterby_, K.C., was played by
+Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed ease of manner.
+
+If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it would be
+in the matter of the ring which _Anthony_ places on the finger of _Aloney_
+in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act not included in the scheme
+for which _Mortimer John_ was given the credit. Yet as the means by which
+_Anthony_ identified her on his return to consciousness it went far to
+bring that scheme to fruition. I think also that he ought to have shown
+some trace of surprise (I should myself) on finding that he had
+unconsciously exchanged his spotless evening clothes for the kit of a
+broncho-buster.
+
+I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long introduction
+to what is the _clou_ of the play--the film and its reconstructed scenes.
+Why not take a further wrinkle from the cinematic drama and throw upon the
+screen a succinct résumé of the previous argument? Three or four minutes of
+steady application to the text, and we might plunge into the very heart of
+things. I throw out this suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in
+part payment of my debt for some very joyous laughter.     O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."      _The Lady_.
+
+This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--]
+
+[Illustration: --WHATEVER HAPPENS--]
+
+[Illustration: --SEE YOU KEEP--]
+
+[Illustration: --THEM HANDS OF YOURS--]
+
+[Illustration: --WELL ABOVE--]
+
+[Illustration: --YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.
+
+  We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;
+  The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;
+  Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn--
+  Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.
+
+  For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;
+  The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;
+  And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,
+  And we were elves in England before the Romans came.
+
+  We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;
+  We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;
+  And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood
+  Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.
+
+  But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,
+  The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;
+  For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,
+  Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OLD GOTHIC.
+
+    [An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we learn
+    from Press quotations published in _The Daily Chronicle_, is raging
+    through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the Interior
+    has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic in the
+    publications of the Statistical Bureau.]
+
+  The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,
+  They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;
+  For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,
+  He is often incurably stupid and dense
+  To the point of allowing his patriot zeal
+  To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.
+
+  An excellent instance of zeal of this sort
+  Is the movement, endorsed by official support,
+  To ban Latin type in the papers that flow
+  From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.
+
+  Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe
+  And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;
+  It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,
+  For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;
+  It adds to the labour of reading, and tries
+  The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,
+  And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid
+  To people engaged in the spectacle trade.
+  But these manifest drawbacks to little amount
+  When tried by the only criteria that count:
+  Though the people who use it don't really need it,
+  It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.
+  It is solid, _echt-Deutsch_, free from Frenchified froth,
+  And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.
+
+  So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau
+  Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,
+  They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope
+  Will be followed beyond its original scope;
+  For the more German books that in Gothic are printed
+  The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,
+  And the larger the number, released from its gripe,
+  Of the students of Latin ideas--and type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames, nicely
+    upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small chairs,
+    walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, £2; 5 other chairs,
+    upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already too
+much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPINBANOLA.
+
+"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."
+
+"Tut tut," said Francesca.
+
+"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are squawking."
+
+"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're much
+too far away."
+
+"Yes, but I know they're squawking--they always are--and for a sensitive
+highly-strung man it's the same thing."
+
+"Tut-t----"
+
+"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in a
+most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."
+
+"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps below
+their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours and a
+half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an acre of
+land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required to----"
+
+"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."
+
+"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half seconds
+to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many men with one
+arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having first extracted
+the square root of the wheel-base."
+
+"Stow it," I said.
+
+"Isn't that rude?" she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."
+
+"Well, but what _are_ you doing?"
+
+"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.
+
+"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a five-per-center,
+and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your difficulty? Surely you
+do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for him.
+I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know my
+difficulties. It's this getting £100 by paying only £95 that's knocking me
+sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan at four per
+cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the conversion of the
+old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the various lots of
+Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but for a man whose
+mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective, it's as bad as a
+barbed-wire entanglement."
+
+"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+money and take what they give you. That's my motto."
+
+"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head of
+the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of households
+ought-to know their exact position."
+
+"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."
+
+"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"
+
+"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+housekeeping----"
+
+"I always knew you got too much."
+
+"And the children have chipped in with their savings."
+
+"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"
+
+"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into the
+Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the Loan--all, that
+is, except Frederick's little all."
+
+"And what's happened to that?"
+
+"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was fascinated
+by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the purchase of
+cartridges, so there it is."
+
+"And at the end of five years he'll get back £1 for every 15_s._ 6_d._ he's
+put in."
+
+"Yes, he'll get £5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."
+
+"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"
+
+"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd _given_ the money for
+cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra after the
+cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about it."
+
+"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall explain to
+him how much _per cent._ he's getting _per annum_."
+
+"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I know
+you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for him; he's
+going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."
+
+"What on earth's put that into his head?"
+
+"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and two
+or three elastic bands. There it is--you'll find its name inscribed on it."
+
+I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it from?"
+
+"Out of his head," she said.
+
+"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"
+
+"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."
+
+"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."
+
+"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."
+
+"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"
+
+"I'll go and stop them," she said.
+
+"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."
+
+  R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN RALEIGH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+    shutters."--_A farmer in "The Daily News."_
+
+And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his windows
+lie fallow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE
+THE CALL SOUNDED?"
+
+_Recruit_. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE TRUMPET
+BLEW, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to _Interlude_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL),
+tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man constituted like
+Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in 1917." Without any
+doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound to add this warning
+(if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such a purpose is not, and
+could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had previously read of Mr.
+MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he shows here. Obviously
+attached to the modern school of novelists, he has many of its faults and
+more of its virtues. One may accept his main point of view, yet be offended
+sometimes by his details. But the fact remains that in _Geoffrey Battersby_
+he has given us a piece of character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not
+for a very long time has it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph,
+and I wish to proclaim it. The women by whom _Geoffrey_, the weak and the
+wayward, was attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr.
+MAIS shows his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has
+within him the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he
+will free himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight
+and clear before him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call their
+new book of short stories _Seen and Heard_ (SMITH, ELDER), with the
+sub-title, _Before and After 1914_. I say short stories, but actually these
+have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of them make up the volume.
+They are all examples of the same gentle and painstaking craft that their
+writers have before now exhibited elsewhere. Here are no sensational
+happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly emotional. My own favourites
+are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a half-ironical study of the
+temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her child to the blessings of
+civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a terrible old woman, the
+queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was overcome. My other choice,
+the last tale in the collection (and the only one contributed by Miss MARY
+FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the regeneration, through poverty
+and hard work, of two underemployed and unpleasant elderly ladies. A
+restful book, such as will keep no one awake at nights, but will give
+pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of ordinary life sketched
+with precise and careful finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Their Lives_ (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of originality, that
+it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the heroine, or rather, I
+should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly speaking, all three
+daughters of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Radmall_ might be said jointly to fill this
+post, but it is _Christina_, the eldest, who fills most of it. The other
+two were named _Virgilia_ and _Orinthia_, and I can't say that these
+horrific labels did them any injustice. As for the story of "their lives,"
+as VIOLET HUNT tells it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a
+history of three disagreeable children developing into detestable young
+women. Perhaps it may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence,
+but I defy anyone to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which
+is (not to mince matters) the attempted seduction by _Christina_ of a
+middle-aged man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to
+nothing. I like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in which
+the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly soured and
+disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough. But what
+unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a quaintly
+attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the book in
+proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship with Prussia.
+Certainly they are almost frightful enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Having read all about _The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan_ (DUCKWORTH) from
+obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I should be
+infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr. ALFRED
+TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even hints
+that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far indeed
+from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If _Ledgar_ had been satisfied to
+marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have been some danger
+of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past, including his
+Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for that, he will have
+to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in store, supported
+only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to revenge on him all the
+irritation which she and I both felt at his attitude of unemotional
+superiority towards all the world. Some people may think it almost a pity
+that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr. SHEPPARD himself in just
+reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of talking about Anti-Christ
+and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents of murder and insanity
+introduced without any excuse of necessity. The book contains a
+considerable element of lively if undiscriminating humour, but its
+insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless his hero's future
+fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one would like to remind
+the author that essays in this kind are the easiest form of all literary
+effort and the least supportable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_With Serbia into Exile_ (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer little from
+the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by several other pens.
+Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh to say, and a very
+fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and himself are both American
+of the best kind--which is to say, wonderfully resourceful, observant,
+sympathetic and alive. From a newspaper flung away by a stranger on the
+Broadway Express, Mr. JONES first became aware that men were wanted for
+relief work in Serbia, and "in an hour I had become part of the
+expedition." That is a phrase characteristic of the whole book. Though the
+matter of it is the story, "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a
+nation going into exile, Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the
+picturesque and even humorous aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense
+of the effective which enables him to touch in many haunting pictures--the
+delusive peace of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face
+of KING PETER seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and
+countless others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author seems
+successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+American cousins will read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Man in the Fog_ (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find exceedingly
+hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several previous stories
+to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the critics to pleasant
+sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to confess that I found _The
+Man in the Fog_ somewhat wheezy company. The _Man_ of the title was a kind
+of Northern Joseph, dismissed from a promising partnership with Potiphar
+after a domestic intrigue on the lines of the original. The fog happens
+when, years later, he meets the daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her
+mother's house, and (at the risk of the poor girl catching her death)
+detains her on the front step with foggy allusions to the mysterious past.
+I may mention that his own conduct in the interval had been such as I can
+only regard as a lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier
+chapters. But it is all vastly serious--it would perhaps be unkind to say
+sententious--and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of comedy. For
+which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY TIGHE was
+either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter, all three).
+In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent my parting
+advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the selection of such
+words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the dialogue in the present
+book is painfully unhuman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE _IS_ THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER
+THERE WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Great Problem Solved.
+
+Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them on
+their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent writes:--
+
+    "In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement excellently suited
+    for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that it shall be at
+    once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a horizontal
+    slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of the coat,
+    and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of linen, the
+    whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off with a
+    flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of ordinary
+    dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may not be
+    acquainted with it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who are
+    fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took the
+    field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+    twenty years with equanimity."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Or even for the duration of the War.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+152, Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>February 7th, 1917.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>
+
+<h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3>
+
+  <p>To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical
+  performance, entitled <i>The German Blacksmith</i>, of which he was part
+  author. It is not yet known in what way his people had offended him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted
+  the Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even
+  prepared to put out his tongue at the KAISER.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of
+  selling his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest
+  German Note to America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given
+  them away.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance
+  in Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported
+  that the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the
+  <i>rôle</i> of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the
+  furtherance of the league to enforce peace.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg
+  <i>Fremdenblatt</i>, received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of
+  the Fatherland, fight on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers
+  have written across the cards, "Fight on what?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in
+  this country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few
+  honourable exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien
+  business men have sedulously concealed their identity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+  middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+  already thrown out some nice strong suckers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound
+  in Norwich." But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of
+  Wensleydale cheese in Ilfracombe.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel,
+  the other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused.
+  It appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal
+  before a new Government department commandeered the place.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+  expenses shall not exceed 4<i>d.</i> per elector in three-member
+  boroughs, and several political agents have written to point out that it
+  cannot possibly be done in view of the recent increase in the price of
+  beer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course
+  from 18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved
+  should be added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal
+  from the FOOD CONTROLLER.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a
+  week, board and lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work
+  fifteen hours a day. It is understood that this insidious attempt to
+  popularise agriculture at the expense of the army has been the subject of
+  a heated interchange of letters between the War Office and the Board of
+  Agriculture.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"The warmest places in England yesterday," says <i>The Pall Mall
+  Gazette</i>, "were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got
+  into trouble before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great
+  Britain as England, but we never said a thing like that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A London doctor, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, estimates that colds cost
+  this country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once
+  that we think the charge is excessive.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph
+  messenger running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a
+  position to clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in
+  question was in the act of going off duty.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets&mdash;until a
+  suitable palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary
+  responsible for this feature.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is
+  likely that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in
+  vogue in Soho restaurants.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues,
+  and several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if
+  income tax has been deducted at the source.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" src="images/85thumb.png"
+      alt="What the devil are you doing down that shell-hole?" /></a>
+    <p>"WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR
+    ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Geordie (a trade-unionist).</i> "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE
+    KILLED MA FOWER."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke
+  of York's in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+  1894."&mdash;<i>The Stage</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Is it <i>really</i> only twenty-three years?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant
+  surprise. A sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into
+  glassy ice, which made walking impossible without some assistance. A
+  walking-stick, without some sort of boot covering, was of little
+  avail."&mdash;<i>Oxford Times</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+  bootless.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span>
+
+<h3>THE MUD-LARKS.</h3>
+
+  <p>Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an
+  uninterrupted view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a
+  packing-case floating on an ocean of ooze.</p>
+
+  <p>We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+  bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.</p>
+
+  <p>The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+  ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+  from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+  lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end
+  of you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the
+  spot where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and
+  indented for another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case
+  might be).</p>
+
+  <p>Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a
+  tin lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with
+  our own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its
+  little drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any
+  business, the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each
+  other all over the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep
+  o'day severely Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it
+  rakishly Rococo.</p>
+
+  <p>William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly
+  piping all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it
+  back into shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the
+  term.</p>
+
+  <p>Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full
+  of merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party,
+  but what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the
+  transport mules he had become a saddened man.</p>
+
+  <p>Between them&mdash;the mules and the mess&mdash;he never got a whole
+  night in bod; either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into
+  strange lines and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on
+  the job and the mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the
+  perfect little gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us
+  (instead of assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was,
+  is, or will be) our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans
+  never forgot himself for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The
+  Heavies, for instance. The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into
+  position behind our hill, disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and
+  gave an impression of the crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.</p>
+
+  <p>Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William
+  piped all hands on deck.</p>
+
+  <p>The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's
+  skin, flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress.
+  Albert Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and
+  shutting at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to
+  keep it from working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was
+  coming adrift from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere,
+  giving advice and falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through
+  every style of architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss châlet, and
+  was on the point of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the
+  Heavies switched off their hate and went to bed. And not a second too
+  soon. Another moment and I should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward
+  would have been sea-sick, and the Skipper would have let the east wing go
+  west.</p>
+
+  <p>We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+  something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+  commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+  gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+  charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+  unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing
+  to withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the
+  very next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of
+  preliminary warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay
+  littered about a quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and
+  miserably surveyed the ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The
+  field guns had gone to bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the
+  Hun, couldn't have made a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a
+  mystery; so we all lifted up our voices and wailed for William. He was
+  Mess President; it was his fault, of course.</p>
+
+  <p>At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before
+  him by bashing it with a mallet.</p>
+
+  <p>According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport
+  mule, inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always
+  been something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+  through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him
+  up. He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited
+  by William and the mallet.</p>
+
+  <p>So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk
+  lovingly of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the
+  wonderful view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the
+  homely tune our shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a
+  stormy night.</p>
+
+  <p>And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange
+  sound stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Goddess, hear me&mdash;oh, incline a</p>
+      <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p>
+      <p>Patroness of parturition,</p>
+      <p>Pray make this a special mission;</p>
+      <p>Prove a kind inaugurator</p>
+      <p>Of my votive incubator!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Seventy eggs I put into it&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Each a chick, if you ensue it.</p>
+      <p>Pray you, let me not be saddled</p>
+      <p>With a single "clear" or addled.</p>
+      <p>See! the temperature is steady.</p>
+      <p>Now then, Goddess, <i>are you ready?</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Hear me, Goddess, next invoking</p>
+      <p>You to keep the lamp from smoking,</p>
+      <p>And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're</p>
+      <p><i>Sure</i> to regulate the moisture?</p>
+      <p>Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping</p>
+      <p>When we hear the eggs all pipping!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When no chick the shell encumbers,</p>
+      <p>Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!</p>
+      <p>Then, O patroness of hatches,</p>
+      <p>We will try some further batches.</p>
+      <p>Goddess, hear me!&mdash;oh, incline a</p>
+      <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"MATRIMONY.&mdash;Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet
+  two respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+  above.&mdash;T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O.,
+  Paradise."&mdash;<i>Melbourne Argus.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+  selected a really promising postal address.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German
+  destroyer V69 and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden,
+  to-night. My correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour.
+  After some Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began
+  to sing Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them
+  even better?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" src="images/87thumb.png"
+      alt="A Plain Duty." /></a>
+    <h2>A PLAIN DUTY.</h2>
+
+    <p>"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY
+    BIT, THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE
+    WAR LOAN, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" src="images/88thumb.png"
+      alt="Stick to him!" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"STICK TO HIM&mdash;STICK TO HIM!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU
+    MEAN?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+  <p>MY DEAR JERRY,&mdash;I am writing this from my position on top of a
+  small hill, while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits
+  for me to speak. I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere
+  else I should have to climb down this hill and then up another one. I
+  hate hills. So does the devoted band.</p>
+
+  <p>Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks
+  an army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we
+  fix and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This,
+  we hope, affects the enemy's <i>moral</i>, and having your <i>moral</i>
+  affected every ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.</p>
+
+  <p>The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is
+  true from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last
+  three months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted
+  them not to be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh
+  heartily, nay uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.</p>
+
+  <p>Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the
+  antheap beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to
+  you Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.</p>
+
+  <p>When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days),
+  he was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+  removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+  time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+  enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his
+  comrades; for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really
+  big stalks in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older
+  ants would step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him,
+  always ending by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never
+  dismayed.</p>
+
+  <p>Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+  disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but
+  his triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and
+  two bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his
+  burden, and fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he
+  recovered he would try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he
+  succeeded in effecting an entrance after twenty-three successive
+  chuck-outs.</p>
+
+  <p>His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+  obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+  seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.</p>
+
+  <p>'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a
+  venerable ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years,
+  approached the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He
+  swore and struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant
+  subordinates stood about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized
+  his plank, dashed forward&mdash;you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is
+  the gospel truth&mdash;saluted smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort
+  of ladder. Supporting himself upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he
+  spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw him asking someone the lad's name.</p>
+
+  <p>That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+  party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+  there must have been some lack of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89"
+  id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+  addressed him as "Erb."</p>
+
+  <p>Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now
+  make a martial noise, so <i>au revoir.</i></p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8">Thine,</p>
+      <p class="i8">PETER.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" src="images/89thumb.png"
+      alt="Distractions of camp life." /></a>
+    <h3>DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>by roadside</i>). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO
+    THE PICTURES?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Highlander</i>. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE
+    GUARD."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"<i>The Motor Cycle</i> says over 165,000 magnates have been
+  made in Britain for war purposes."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to
+  appear.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent
+  virgil than to anything else."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the
+  Fleet, but he might have allowed him a capital initial.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in
+  Germany 800 waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Manchester Evening
+  News</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>A notable instance of large-handed generosity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>SIX VILE VERBS.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>To the makers of journalese, and others,
+from a fastidious reader.</i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When I see on a poster</p>
+      <p class="i2">A programme which "features"</p>
+      <p>CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other</p>
+      <p class="i2">Delectable creatures,</p>
+      <p>I feel just as if</p>
+      <p class="i2">Someone hit me a slam</p>
+      <p>Or a strenuous biff</p>
+      <p class="i2">On the mid diaphragm.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When I read in a story,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Though void of offences,</p>
+      <p>That somebody "glimpses"</p>
+      <p class="i2">Or somebody "senses,"</p>
+      <p>The chord that is struck</p>
+      <p class="i2">Fills my bosom with ire,</p>
+      <p>And I'm ready to chuck</p>
+      <p class="i2">The whole book in the fire.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When against any writer</p>
+      <p class="i2">It's urged that he "stresses"</p>
+      <p>His points, or that something</p>
+      <p class="i2">His fancy "obsesses,"</p>
+      <p>In awarding his blame</p>
+      <p class="i2">Though the critic be right,</p>
+      <p>Yet I feel all the same</p>
+      <p class="i2">I could shoot him at sight.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But (worst of these horrors)</p>
+      <p class="i2">Whenever I read</p>
+      <p>That somebody "voices"</p>
+      <p class="i2">A national need,</p>
+      <p>As the Bulgars and Greeks</p>
+      <p class="i2">Are abhorred by the Serb,</p>
+      <p>So I feel toward the freaks</p>
+      <p class="i2">Who employ this vile verb.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for
+  their township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+  considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Botherham Advertiser</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+  deep."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span>
+
+<h3>THE SUPER-CHAR.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>SCENE.&mdash;<i>A square in Kensington. At every other door
+  is seen the lady of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush,
+  rags, metal-polish, etc.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">In days before the War</p>
+      <p class="i4">Had turned the world to Hades</p>
+      <p class="i6">We did not soil</p>
+      <p class="i6">Our hands with toil&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4">We all were perfect ladies;</p>
+      <p class="i2">To scrub the kitchen floor</p>
+      <p class="i4">Was <i>infra dig.</i>&mdash;disgusting;</p>
+      <p class="i6">We'd cook, at most,</p>
+      <p class="i6">A slice of toast</p>
+      <p class="i4">Or do a bit of dusting.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">But those old days are flown,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And now we ply our labours:</p>
+      <p class="i6">We cook and scrub,</p>
+      <p class="i6">We scour and rub,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Regardless of our neighbours;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The steps we bravely stone,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Nor care a straw who passes</p>
+      <p class="i6">The while we clean</p>
+      <p class="i6">With shameless mien</p>
+      <p class="i4">Quite brazenly the brasses.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. What clothes! What furs!</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>. And tango boots! How thrilling!</p>
+      <p class="i2">They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. It would be spoke to.</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Would it?</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Let us see!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Enter the</i> Super-Char.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>Super-char</i>. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say</p>
+      <p class="i2">You 'adn't got no servants round this way,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And as I've time on 'and&mdash;more than I wish,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Seein' as all the kids is in munish&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige</p>
+      <p class="i2">Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">O joy! O rapture!</p>
+      <p class="i4">If we capture</p>
+      <p class="i8">Such a prize as this!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Then we may become once more</p>
+      <p class="i2">Ladies, as in days of yore,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Lay aside the brooms and pails,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Manicure our broken nails,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Try the last complexion cream&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">What a dream</p>
+      <p class="i8">Of bliss!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!</p>
+      <p class="i2">I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady. </i>I want a charlady from ten to four,</p>
+      <p class="i2">To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char. </i>Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,</p>
+      <p class="i2">What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. I want a lady who will kindly call</p>
+      <p class="i2">And help me dust the dining-room and hall;</p>
+      <p class="i2">At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And sometimes do a little washing up.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. A little bit of dusting I might lump,</p>
+      <p class="i2">But washing up&mdash;it gives me fair the 'ump!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Next, please!</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My foremost thought would always be</p>
+      <p class="i2">The comfort of the lady helping me.</p>
+      <p class="i2">We have a cask of beer that's solely for</p>
+      <p class="i2">Your use&mdash;we are teetotal for the War.</p>
+      <p class="i2">I am a cook of more than moderate skill;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Soups, entrées.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!</p>
+      <p class="i2">So kindly let me 'ave your reference,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My last good lady left six months ago</p>
+      <p class="i2">Because she said I'd singed the <i>soufflé</i> so;</p>
+      <p class="i2">She gave me no address to write to&mdash;</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. What!</p>
+      <p class="i2">You've got no reference?</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Alas, I've not!</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Of course I could not dream of taking you</p>
+      <p class="i2">Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.</p>
+      <p class="i2">These women&mdash;'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Hi! (<i>she hails a passing taxi</i>) Drive me to the nearest cinema.</p>
+      <p class="i16">[<i>She steps into the taxi and is whirled off.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the barber dresses</p>
+      <p class="i2">Our dusty tousled tresses;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The thought of titivation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Is still a distant dream;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p>
+      <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub;</p>
+      <p class="i2">With rag and metal polish</p>
+      <p class="i2">The dirt we must demolish;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Among the grates we grub;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p>
+      <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">CURTAIN.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.</h3>
+
+  <p>"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can
+  tell you of a rum un that happened to me."</p>
+
+  <p>It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he
+  ought to be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.</p>
+
+  <p>"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker
+  called the <i>Pearl of Asia</i>. Her old man at that time was old Captain
+  Gillson, him that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place
+  o' the one that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was
+  walkin' out with a young woman at Liverpool&mdash;nice young
+  thing&mdash;an' she give me a ring to keep to remember 'er by, the day
+  before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.</p>
+
+  <p>"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+  'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+  into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a
+  bit of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my
+  bunk.</p>
+
+  <p>"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from
+  Portland, Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin'
+  lump o' pay I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot
+  all about the ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk
+  yonder.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to
+  Liverpool, to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in
+  Liverpool was the young woman I 'ad the ring of.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched
+  her a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I
+  vallied 'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd
+  slid down the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad
+  behind me, I was that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>
+
+  <p>"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty
+  yaller gals ye sing about.'</p>
+
+  <p>"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we
+  went on like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard
+  the old <i>Pearl</i> again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an'
+  send it you in a letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for
+  the nasty way you've spoke to me,' I says.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,'
+  an' off she goes with 'er nose in the air.</p>
+
+  <p>"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of
+  droppin' acrost the <i>Pearl</i> there, for she was bound the same way.
+  But I never did. She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward
+  passage, and had to put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she
+  never got to Frisco until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way
+  it went on. She kep' dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest
+  I got to 'er was when we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward
+  bound, when we was just pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er
+  after that was from a feller that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South
+  Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I
+  was in the Western Ocean mail-boat service at the time, and so o' course
+  she was off my run altogether.</p>
+
+  <p>"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger
+  business an' went on the North Sea patrol.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o'
+  duty, and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They
+  generally takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o'
+  foreign languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I
+  couldn't make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink
+  bad.</p>
+
+  <p>"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there
+  was a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our
+  work cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the <i>Maria de
+  Somethink-or-other</i>&mdash;some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for
+  the lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+  black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a
+  suddent.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen
+  that there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I
+  'ad, for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was,
+  too.</p>
+
+  <p>"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the <i>Pearl
+  of Asia</i>; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess
+  she was in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop
+  railin's as would 'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.</p>
+
+  <p>"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm
+  goin' for'ard a minute.'</p>
+
+  <p>"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+  right, just like I left it."</p>
+
+  <p>He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but
+  it lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the
+  girl after all?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh! '<i>er!</i>" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er
+  name and all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them
+  monkey-boats of ELDER DEMPSTER'S&mdash;'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever
+  struck."</p>
+
+  <p>"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"</p>
+
+  <p>He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical
+  expression.</p>
+
+  <p>"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it
+  weren't."</p>
+
+  <p>C.F.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" src="images/91thumb.png"
+      alt="Golfing Colonel and private told off to act as caddie." /></a>
+    <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>to private told off to act as caddie</i>). "NOW I
+    HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF.
+    HAVE YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private</i>. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP,
+    SIR." (<i>Colonel is put off again.</i>)</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <p>"Miss &mdash;&mdash;, the World-renounced Teacher of
+  Dancing."&mdash;<i>Southern Standard</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>Another victim of the War.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page92" id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%" src="images/92thumb.png"
+      alt="Major-General addressing his men before practising an attack behind the lines" /></a>
+    <p><i>Major-General</i> (<i>addressing the men before practising an
+    attack behind the lines</i>). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+    DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+    ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (<i>turning
+    to the Regimental Sergeant-Major</i>) WHAT IS THE SECOND
+    DIFFERENCE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TO TOWSER.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>No pampered pound of peevish fluff</p>
+      <p>That goggles from a lady's muff</p>
+      <p>Art thou, my Towser. In the Park</p>
+      <p>Thy form occasions no remark</p>
+      <p>Unless it be a friendly call</p>
+      <p>From soldiers walking in the Mall,</p>
+      <p>Or the impertinence of pugs</p>
+      <p>Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.</p>
+      <p>For thou art sturdy and thy fur</p>
+      <p>Is rougher than the prickly burr,</p>
+      <p>Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"</p>
+      <p>(Inherited, but Lord knows how!)</p>
+      <p>Far other than the frenzied yaps</p>
+      <p>That emanate from ladies' laps,</p>
+      <p>Thou art, in fact, of doggy size</p>
+      <p>And hast the brown and faithful eyes,</p>
+      <p>So full of love, so void of blame,</p>
+      <p>That fill a master's heart with shame</p>
+      <p>Because he knows he never can</p>
+      <p>Be more a dog and less a man.</p>
+      <p>No champion of a hundred shows,</p>
+      <p>The prey of every draught that blows,</p>
+      <p>Art thou; in fact thy charms present</p>
+      <p>The earmarks of a mixed descent.</p>
+      <p>And, though too proud to start a fight</p>
+      <p>With every cur that looms in sight,</p>
+      <p>None ever saw thee quail beneath</p>
+      <p>A foeman worthy of thy teeth.</p>
+      <p>Thou art, in brief, a model hound,</p>
+      <p>Not so much beautiful as sound</p>
+      <p>In heart and limb; not always strong</p>
+      <p>When nose and eyes impel to wrong,</p>
+      <p>Nor always doing just as bid,</p>
+      <p>But sterling as the minted quid.</p>
+      <p>And I have loved thee in my fashion,</p>
+      <p>Shared with thy face my frugal ration,</p>
+      <p>Squandered my balance at the bank</p>
+      <p>When thou didst chew the postman's shank,</p>
+      <p>And gone in debt replacing stocks</p>
+      <p>Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.</p>
+      <p>And, when they claimed the annual fee</p>
+      <p>That seals the bond twixt thee and me,</p>
+      <p>Against harsh Circumstance's edge</p>
+      <p>Did I not put my fob in pledge</p>
+      <p>And cheat the minions of excise</p>
+      <p>Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?</p>
+      <p>And thou with leaps of lightsome mood</p>
+      <p>Didst bark eternal gratitude</p>
+      <p>And seek my feelings to assail</p>
+      <p>With agitations of the tail.</p>
+      <p>Yet are there beings lost to grace</p>
+      <p>Who claim that thou art out of place,</p>
+      <p>That when the dogs of war are loose</p>
+      <p>Domestic kinds are void of use,</p>
+      <p>And that a chicken or a hog</p>
+      <p>Should take the place of every dog,</p>
+      <p>Which, though with appetite endued,</p>
+      <p>Is not itself a source of food.</p>
+      <p>What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll</p>
+      <p>Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal</p>
+      <p>That men begrudge us, and we'll take</p>
+      <p>Our leave of bones and puppy cake.</p>
+      <p>Back to the woods we'll hie, and there</p>
+      <p>Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,</p>
+      <p>Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,</p>
+      <p>Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig</p>
+      <p>With practised paw and eager snuffle</p>
+      <p>The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.</p>
+      <p class="i16">ALGOL.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural
+  course of the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its
+  ffllww."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>It certainly sounds rather diverting.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From a list of gramophone records:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>"Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the
+  emission of the cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the
+  horn&mdash;which might indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."</blockquote>
+
+  <p>"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes
+  the sender of the extract.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" src="images/93thumb.png"
+      alt="The Road to Victory" /></a>
+    <h2>"THE ROAD TO VICTORY."</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END
+    NOW."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/94.png"><img width="100%" src="images/94thumb.png"
+      alt="The new invisible Zeppelins" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE
+    ZEPPELINS THEY'RE MAKIN'?"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM
+    OVER 'ERE."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TAXIS AND TALK.</h3>
+
+  <p>Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+  rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+  even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+  taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.</p>
+
+  <p>Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether
+  or not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely
+  reminding you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women,
+  tend, even in the street and when the thermometer is below
+  freezing-point, to a high seriousness rare when the sexes are
+  mingled.</p>
+
+  <p>Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and
+  all uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other,
+  or none at all, I am accompanying him.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>looking at his watch</i>). I've got to be at Grosvenor
+  Gardens by half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk
+  fast and perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (<i>He said, as a
+  matter of fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print
+  that I shall employ alternatives every time. Someone really must
+  institute a close season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on
+  the stage; and, since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty,
+  that, in the present state of the wit market, would be privation
+  indeed.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>submerged by brain wave</i>). Perhaps we'll meet one.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by
+  half-past one, and I hate to be late.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Those tailors you were asking me about&mdash;I think you'll
+  find them very decent people. They&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes,
+  the driver casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling
+  friend.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> I thought it was free.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> The flag was down.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change,
+  you know, I could&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Do you mind walking a little faster?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>mendaciously</i>). Not at all. I could give you my card,
+  don't you know. But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To
+  me they seem to be first-rate, as tailors go.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>profoundly&mdash;though he is not more profound than I
+  am</i>). Of course, as tailors go.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> They 're best at&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>excited again</i>). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No,
+  it's engaged.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>with a kind impulse</i>). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you
+  whether the flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther
+  than you.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Do.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> I was always rather famous for long sight.
+  It's&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He (turning round)</i>). Isn't that one behind us? Is that
+  free?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> I can't tell yet.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Surely the flag's up.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>He steps into the road and waves his
+  stick.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> It's a private car.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Hang the thing! so it is. They <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page95" id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> ought to be painted white or
+  something. Life is not worth living just now.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> They're best for trousers, I should say. Their
+  overcoats&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>pointing up side-street</i>). Isn't that one there? Hi,
+  taxi! Good heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk
+  faster. If there isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If
+  there's one thing I hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry.
+  When I'm hungry I'm miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> As I was saying&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on
+  the streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of
+  them, but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal&mdash;a positive
+  outrage.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how
+  it is, but they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good
+  in other ways, you know, that really if you are
+  thinking&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a
+  noise which sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's
+  that he said?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> It sounded like "dinner."</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the
+  world coming to?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>brilliantly</i>). Perhaps he's hungry.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to
+  take you because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway.
+  (<i>Looking at his watch</i>) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't
+  mind, do you?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak</i>).
+  Oh, no.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>We both begin to scuttle, half run and half
+  walk.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>panting</i>). As I was saying, they're not A1 at
+  overcoats, but they've a first-class cutter for everything else. Just
+  tell me if you want to change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get
+  special treatment. There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>breathlessly</i>). Ah! There's the rank. There's just
+  one cab there. How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run
+  like Heaven.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>running like Heaven</i>). I think I'll leave you
+  here.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>running still more like Heaven, a little ahead</i>). Oh
+  no, come on. I want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick
+  like Heaven!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>We both wave our sticks like Heaven.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>subsiding into a walk</i>). Ah! it's all right. He's
+  seen us. (<i>Taking out his watch</i>) I've got four minutes. We shall
+  just do it. Good-bye.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I
+  shall get lunch.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>shouting from window</i>). Let me know about those
+  tailors some day; if they're any good, you know.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" src="images/95thumb.png"
+      alt="Are ye wounded, Terence?" /></a>
+    <p>"ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."</p>
+
+    <p>"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said
+  Mr. Williams."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the
+  KING'S.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"DONKEYS.&mdash;Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply
+  M.S." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Advt. in Colonial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the
+  best of luck.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span>
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."</p>
+
+  <p>It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had
+  been administered to him, that <i>Anthony</i> got there; but we were in
+  Wonderland almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were
+  asked to believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an
+  ideal which no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had
+  caught a glimpse of it in the creations of Art&mdash;at the Tate Gallery
+  or Madame TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.</p>
+
+  <p>And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven
+  hundred thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married
+  by a given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives&mdash;a
+  couple of sisters and their husbands&mdash;to find a wife for him. After
+  vainly trying him with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had
+  resort, in desperation, to the black art of a certain <i>Mr. Mortimer
+  John</i> (U.S.A.), an infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid
+  diagnosis of the case and at once pronounced himself confident of
+  success.</p>
+
+  <p>Briefly&mdash;for it is a long and elaborate story&mdash;his scheme is
+  to choose a charming girl, and make a film drama round her.
+  <i>Anthony</i>, with family, is taken to see the show and occupies the
+  best box in the Prince of Wales's Theatre, from which, after a little
+  critical comment upon us in the audience, he falls in love with the
+  heroine. It is the typical film of lurid life on a Californian ranch, and
+  might almost have been modelled on one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques.
+  There are the familiar scenes of a plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly
+  alternating with scenes of her progress on horseback through the primeval
+  forest, and concluding with her arrival just in time to shoot the villain
+  and untie the noose that encircles her lover's carotid.</p>
+
+  <p>On the return of the party from the cinema, <i>Mortimer John</i>
+  describes to <i>Anthony</i> the powers of a drug which induces the most
+  vivid of dreams. He, <i>John</i>, had once been in <i>Anthony's</i>
+  pitiful case, and through the services of this drug had achieved his
+  quest of the ideal woman. <i>Anthony</i>, greatly intrigued, consents to
+  swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple narcotic, and under its
+  influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a suitable change of
+  apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he is restored to
+  animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama re-enacted before his
+  eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the impression that this
+  is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised, he himself takes
+  part in the living drama, playing the noble <i>rôle</i> of an
+  exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+  eternal love with <i>Aloney</i> the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of
+  heroic self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving
+  the heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve
+  this end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity
+  which is the very breath of the film-drama.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/96.png"><img width="100%" src="images/96thumb.png"
+      alt="An Idyll of Movie-land." /></a>
+    <h4>AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Anthony Silvertree</i> MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Aloney</i> MISS WINIFRED BARNES.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and
+  under its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+  confronted with the lady of his "dream," and <i>Mortimer John</i> secures
+  a colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of
+  selecting his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for
+  his son-in-law.</p>
+
+  <p>The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life
+  into the regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to
+  be just conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of
+  the scheme is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two,
+  though lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.</p>
+
+  <p>But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+  reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was
+  really delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a
+  cinema hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in
+  Montague Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he
+  imagines it to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of
+  sacrifices, had a great chance. And he took it.</p>
+
+  <p>As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the
+  mercenary designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very
+  naïvely and prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the
+  most discouraging conditions. As <i>Mortimer John</i> Mr. SYDNEY
+  VALENTINE had admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of
+  <i>Anthony's</i> relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA
+  BILBROOKE was an attractive figure, and the part of <i>Herbert
+  Clatterby</i>, K.C., was played by Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed
+  ease of manner.</p>
+
+  <p>If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it
+  would be in the matter of the ring which <i>Anthony</i> places on the
+  finger of <i>Aloney</i> in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act
+  not included in the scheme for which <i>Mortimer John</i> was given the
+  credit. Yet as the means by which <i>Anthony</i> identified her on his
+  return to consciousness it went far to bring that scheme to fruition. I
+  think also that he ought to have shown some trace of surprise (I should
+  myself) on finding that he had unconsciously exchanged his spotless
+  evening clothes for the kit of a broncho-buster.</p>
+
+  <p>I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long
+  introduction to what is the <i>clou</i> of the play&mdash;the film and
+  its reconstructed scenes. Why not take a further wrinkle from the
+  cinematic drama and throw upon the screen a succinct résumé of the
+  previous argument? Three or four minutes of steady application to the
+  text, and we might plunge into the very heart of things. I throw out this
+  suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in part payment of my debt
+  for some very joyous laughter.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>The Lady</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span>
+
+<table><tr><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97athumb.png"
+      alt="And look here, Fritz" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97bthumb.png"
+      alt="whatever happens" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;WHATEVER HAPPENS&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97cthumb.png"
+      alt="see you keep" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;SEE YOU KEEP&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr><tr><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97dthumb.png"
+      alt="them hands of yours" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;THEM HANDS OF YOURS&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97ethumb.png"
+      alt="well above" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;WELL ABOVE&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97fthumb.png"
+      alt="your blinkin' head." /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr></table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.</h4>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;</p>
+      <p>The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;</p>
+      <p>Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;</p>
+      <p>The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;</p>
+      <p>And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,</p>
+      <p>And we were elves in England before the Romans came.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;</p>
+      <p>We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;</p>
+      <p>And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood</p>
+      <p>Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,</p>
+      <p>The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;</p>
+      <p>For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,</p>
+      <p>Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.</p>
+      <p class="i16">W.H.O.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>GOOD OLD GOTHIC.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>[An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we
+  learn from Press quotations published in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, is
+  raging through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the
+  Interior has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic
+  in the publications of the Statistical Bureau.]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,</p>
+      <p>They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;</p>
+      <p>For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,</p>
+      <p>He is often incurably stupid and dense</p>
+      <p>To the point of allowing his patriot zeal</p>
+      <p>To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>An excellent instance of zeal of this sort</p>
+      <p>Is the movement, endorsed by official support,</p>
+      <p>To ban Latin type in the papers that flow</p>
+      <p>From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe</p>
+      <p>And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;</p>
+      <p>It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,</p>
+      <p>For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;</p>
+      <p>It adds to the labour of reading, and tries</p>
+      <p>The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,</p>
+      <p>And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid</p>
+      <p>To people engaged in the spectacle trade.</p>
+      <p>But these manifest drawbacks to little amount</p>
+      <p>When tried by the only criteria that count:</p>
+      <p>Though the people who use it don't really need it,</p>
+      <p>It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.</p>
+      <p>It is solid, <i>echt-Deutsch</i>, free from Frenchified froth,</p>
+      <p>And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau</p>
+      <p>Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,</p>
+      <p>They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope</p>
+      <p>Will be followed beyond its original scope;</p>
+      <p>For the more German books that in Gothic are printed</p>
+      <p>The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,</p>
+      <p>And the larger the number, released from its gripe,</p>
+      <p>Of the students of Latin ideas&mdash;and type.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames,
+  nicely upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small
+  chairs, walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, £2; 5 other chairs,
+  upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."&mdash;<i>The
+  Bazaar</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already
+  too much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span>
+
+<h3>THE TIPINBANOLA.</h3>
+
+  <p>"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut tut," said Francesca.</p>
+
+  <p>"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are
+  squawking."</p>
+
+  <p>"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're
+  much too far away."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, but I know they're squawking&mdash;they always are&mdash;and for
+  a sensitive highly-strung man it's the same thing."</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut-t&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in
+  a most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."</p>
+
+  <p>"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps
+  below their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours
+  and a half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an
+  acre of land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required
+  to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."</p>
+
+  <p>"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+  sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half
+  seconds to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many
+  men with one arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having
+  first extracted the square root of the wheel-base."</p>
+
+  <p>"Stow it," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Isn't that rude?" she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, but what <i>are</i> you doing?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a
+  five-per-center, and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your
+  difficulty? Surely you do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF
+  THE EXCHEQUER."</p>
+
+  <p>"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for
+  him. I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know
+  my difficulties. It's this getting £100 by paying only £95 that's
+  knocking me sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan
+  at four per cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the
+  conversion of the old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the
+  various lots of Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but
+  for a man whose mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective,
+  it's as bad as a barbed-wire entanglement."</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+  money and take what they give you. That's my motto."</p>
+
+  <p>"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head
+  of the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of
+  households ought-to know their exact position."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+  better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+  ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."</p>
+
+  <p>"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+  housekeeping&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"I always knew you got too much."</p>
+
+  <p>"And the children have chipped in with their savings."</p>
+
+  <p>"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into
+  the Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the
+  Loan&mdash;all, that is, except Frederick's little all."</p>
+
+  <p>"And what's happened to that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was
+  fascinated by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the
+  purchase of cartridges, so there it is."</p>
+
+  <p>"And at the end of five years he'll get back £1 for every 15<i>s.</i>
+  6<i>d.</i> he's put in."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, he'll get £5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."</p>
+
+  <p>"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd <i>given</i> the money
+  for cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra
+  after the cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about
+  it."</p>
+
+  <p>"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall
+  explain to him how much <i>per cent.</i> he's getting <i>per
+  annum</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I
+  know you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for
+  him; he's going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."</p>
+
+  <p>"What on earth's put that into his head?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+  instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and
+  two or three elastic bands. There it is&mdash;you'll find its name
+  inscribed on it."</p>
+
+  <p>I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+  strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."</p>
+
+  <p>"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it
+  from?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Out of his head," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."</p>
+
+  <p>"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."</p>
+
+  <p>"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'll go and stop them," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>R.C.L.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" src="images/98thumb.png"
+      alt="The Modern Raleigh" /></a>
+    <h4>THE MODERN RALEIGH.</h4>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+  shutters."&mdash;<i>A farmer in "The Daily News."</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his
+  windows lie fallow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" src="images/99thumb.png"
+      alt="What do you mean by feeding that horse?" /></a>
+    <p><i>Officer</i>. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE THE
+    CALL SOUNDED?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Recruit</i>. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE
+    TRUMPET BLEW, SIR."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to <i>Interlude</i> (CHAPMAN
+  AND HALL), tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man
+  constituted like Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in
+  1917." Without any doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound
+  to add this warning (if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such
+  a purpose is not, and could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had
+  previously read of Mr. MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he
+  shows here. Obviously attached to the modern school of novelists, he has
+  many of its faults and more of its virtues. One may accept his main point
+  of view, yet be offended sometimes by his details. But the fact remains
+  that in <i>Geoffrey Battersby</i> he has given us a piece of
+  character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not for a very long time has
+  it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph, and I wish to proclaim
+  it. The women by whom <i>Geoffrey</i>, the weak and the wayward, was
+  attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr. MAIS shows
+  his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has within him
+  the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he will free
+  himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight and clear
+  before him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call
+  their new book of short stories <i>Seen and Heard</i> (SMITH, ELDER),
+  with the sub-title, <i>Before and After 1914</i>. I say short stories,
+  but actually these have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of
+  them make up the volume. They are all examples of the same gentle and
+  painstaking craft that their writers have before now exhibited elsewhere.
+  Here are no sensational happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly
+  emotional. My own favourites are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a
+  half-ironical study of the temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her
+  child to the blessings of civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a
+  terrible old woman, the queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was
+  overcome. My other choice, the last tale in the collection (and the only
+  one contributed by Miss MARY FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the
+  regeneration, through poverty and hard work, of two underemployed and
+  unpleasant elderly ladies. A restful book, such as will keep no one awake
+  at nights, but will give pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of
+  ordinary life sketched with precise and careful finish.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>Their Lives</i> (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of
+  originality, that it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the
+  heroine, or rather, I should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly
+  speaking, all three daughters of <i>Mr.</i> and <i>Mrs. Radmall</i> might
+  be said jointly to fill this post, but it is <i>Christina</i>, the
+  eldest, who fills most of it. The other two were named <i>Virgilia</i>
+  and <i>Orinthia</i>, and I can't say that these horrific labels did them
+  any injustice. As for the story of "their lives," as VIOLET HUNT tells
+  it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a history of three
+  disagreeable children developing into detestable young women. Perhaps it
+  may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence, but I defy anyone
+  to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which is (not to mince
+  matters) the attempted seduction by <i>Christina</i> of a middle-aged
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span>
+  man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to nothing. I
+  like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+  unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in
+  which the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly
+  soured and disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough.
+  But what unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a
+  quaintly attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the
+  book in proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship
+  with Prussia. Certainly they are almost frightful enough.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Having read all about <i>The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan</i> (DUCKWORTH)
+  from obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I
+  should be infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr.
+  ALFRED TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even
+  hints that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far
+  indeed from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If <i>Ledgar</i> had been
+  satisfied to marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have
+  been some danger of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past,
+  including his Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for
+  that, he will have to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in
+  store, supported only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to
+  revenge on him all the irritation which she and I both felt at his
+  attitude of unemotional superiority towards all the world. Some people
+  may think it almost a pity that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr.
+  SHEPPARD himself in just reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of
+  talking about Anti-Christ and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents
+  of murder and insanity introduced without any excuse of necessity. The
+  book contains a considerable element of lively if undiscriminating
+  humour, but its insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless
+  his hero's future fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one
+  would like to remind the author that essays in this kind are the easiest
+  form of all literary effort and the least supportable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>With Serbia into Exile</i> (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer
+  little from the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by
+  several other pens. Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh
+  to say, and a very fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and
+  himself are both American of the best kind&mdash;which is to say,
+  wonderfully resourceful, observant, sympathetic and alive. From a
+  newspaper flung away by a stranger on the Broadway Express, Mr. JONES
+  first became aware that men were wanted for relief work in Serbia, and
+  "in an hour I had become part of the expedition." That is a phrase
+  characteristic of the whole book. Though the matter of it is the story,
+  "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a nation going into exile,
+  Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the picturesque and even humorous
+  aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense of the effective which
+  enables him to touch in many haunting pictures&mdash;the delusive peace
+  of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face of KING PETER
+  seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and countless
+  others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+  admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author
+  seems successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+  selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+  look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+  American cousins will read this book.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Man in the Fog</i> (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find
+  exceedingly hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several
+  previous stories to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the
+  critics to pleasant sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to
+  confess that I found <i>The Man in the Fog</i> somewhat wheezy company.
+  The <i>Man</i> of the title was a kind of Northern Joseph, dismissed from
+  a promising partnership with Potiphar after a domestic intrigue on the
+  lines of the original. The fog happens when, years later, he meets the
+  daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her mother's house, and (at the
+  risk of the poor girl catching her death) detains her on the front step
+  with foggy allusions to the mysterious past. I may mention that his own
+  conduct in the interval had been such as I can only regard as a
+  lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier chapters. But it is
+  all vastly serious&mdash;it would perhaps be unkind to say
+  sententious&mdash;and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of
+  comedy. For which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY
+  TIGHE was either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter,
+  all three). In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent
+  my parting advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the
+  selection of such words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the
+  dialogue in the present book is painfully unhuman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" src="images/100thumb.png"
+      alt="God bless the old woman!" /></a>
+    <p>"GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE <i>IS</i> THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER THERE
+    WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+    'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A Great Problem Solved.</h4>
+
+  <p>Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them
+  on their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent
+  writes:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>"In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement
+  excellently suited for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that
+  it shall be at once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a
+  horizontal slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of
+  the coat, and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of
+  linen, the whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off
+  with a flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of
+  ordinary dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may
+  not be acquainted with it."</blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who
+  are fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took
+  the field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+  twenty years with equanimity."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Or even for the duration of the War.</p>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14450 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14450)
diff --git a/old/14450-8.txt b/old/14450-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152,
+Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, Feb. 7, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 24, 2004 [EBook #14450]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical performance,
+entitled _The German Blacksmith_, of which he was part author. It is not
+yet known in what way his people had offended him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted the
+Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even prepared to
+put out his tongue at the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of selling
+his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest German Note to
+America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given them away.
+
+       ***
+
+As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance in
+Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported that
+the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the _rôle_
+of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the furtherance of the
+league to enforce peace.
+
+       ***
+
+Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg _Fremdenblatt_,
+received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of the Fatherland, fight
+on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers have written across the
+cards, "Fight on what?"
+
+       ***
+
+After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in this
+country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few honourable
+exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien business men
+have sedulously concealed their identity.
+
+       ***
+
+The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+already thrown out some nice strong suckers.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1_s._ 6_d._ a pound in Norwich."
+But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of Wensleydale
+cheese in Ilfracombe.
+
+       ***
+
+The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, the
+other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. It
+appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal before a
+new Government department commandeered the place.
+
+       ***
+
+The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+expenses shall not exceed 4_d._ per elector in three-member boroughs, and
+several political agents have written to point out that it cannot possibly
+be done in view of the recent increase in the price of beer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course from
+18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved should be
+added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal from the FOOD
+CONTROLLER.
+
+       ***
+
+A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13_s._ 6_d._ a week, board and
+lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work fifteen hours a day. It
+is understood that this insidious attempt to popularise agriculture at the
+expense of the army has been the subject of a heated interchange of letters
+between the War Office and the Board of Agriculture.
+
+       ***
+
+"The warmest places in England yesterday," says _The Pall Mall Gazette_,
+"were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got into trouble
+before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great Britain as
+England, but we never said a thing like that.
+
+       ***
+
+A London doctor, says _The Daily Mail_, estimates that colds cost this
+country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once that
+we think the charge is excessive.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph messenger
+running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a position to
+clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in question was in the
+act of going off duty.
+
+       ***
+
+There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets--until a suitable
+palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary responsible
+for this feature.
+
+       ***
+
+The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is likely
+that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in vogue in
+Soho restaurants.
+
+       ***
+
+The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, and
+several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if income tax
+has been deducted at the source.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T
+YOU HEAR ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"
+
+_Geordie (a trade-unionist)._ "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE KILLED MA
+FOWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke of York's
+    in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+    1894."--_The Stage_.
+
+Is it _really_ only twenty-three years?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant surprise. A
+    sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into glassy ice,
+    which made walking impossible without some assistance. A walking-stick,
+    without some sort of boot covering, was of little avail."--_Oxford
+    Times_.
+
+That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+bootless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD-LARKS.
+
+Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an uninterrupted
+view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a packing-case
+floating on an ocean of ooze.
+
+We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.
+
+The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end of
+you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the spot
+where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and indented for
+another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case might be).
+
+Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a tin
+lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with our
+own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its little
+drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any business,
+the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each other all over
+the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep o'day severely
+Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it rakishly Rococo.
+
+William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly piping
+all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it back into
+shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the term.
+
+Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full of
+merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party, but
+what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the transport
+mules he had become a saddened man.
+
+Between them--the mules and the mess--he never got a whole night in bod;
+either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into strange lines
+and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on the job and the
+mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the perfect little
+gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us (instead of
+assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was, is, or will be)
+our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans never forgot himself
+for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The Heavies, for instance.
+The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into position behind our hill,
+disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and gave an impression of the
+crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.
+
+Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William piped
+all hands on deck.
+
+The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's skin,
+flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress. Albert
+Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and shutting
+at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to keep it from
+working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was coming adrift
+from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere, giving advice and
+falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through every style of
+architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss châlet, and was on the point
+of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the Heavies switched off
+their hate and went to bed. And not a second too soon. Another moment and I
+should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward would have been sea-sick, and
+the Skipper would have let the east wing go west.
+
+We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing to
+withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the very
+next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of preliminary
+warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay littered about a
+quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and miserably surveyed the
+ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The field guns had gone to
+bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the Hun, couldn't have made
+a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a mystery; so we all lifted up our
+voices and wailed for William. He was Mess President; it was his fault, of
+course.
+
+At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before him
+by bashing it with a mallet.
+
+According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport mule,
+inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always been
+something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him up.
+He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited by
+William and the mallet.
+
+So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk lovingly
+of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the wonderful
+view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the homely tune our
+shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a stormy night.
+
+And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange sound
+stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+I.
+
+  Goddess, hear me--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+  Patroness of parturition,
+  Pray make this a special mission;
+  Prove a kind inaugurator
+  Of my votive incubator!
+
+  Seventy eggs I put into it--
+  Each a chick, if you ensue it.
+  Pray you, let me not be saddled
+  With a single "clear" or addled.
+  See! the temperature is steady.
+  Now then, Goddess, _are you ready?_
+
+  Hear me, Goddess, next invoking
+  You to keep the lamp from smoking,
+  And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're
+  _Sure_ to regulate the moisture?
+  Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping
+  When we hear the eggs all pipping!
+
+  When no chick the shell encumbers,
+  Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!
+  Then, O patroness of hatches,
+  We will try some further batches.
+  Goddess, hear me!--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY.--Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet two
+    respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+    above.--T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O., Paradise."--_Melbourne
+    Argus._
+
+If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+selected a really promising postal address.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German destroyer V69
+    and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden, to-night. My
+    correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour. After some
+    Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began to sing
+    Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them even
+better?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLAIN DUTY.
+
+"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY BIT,
+THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE WAR LOAN,
+THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STICK TO HIM--STICK TO HIM!"
+
+"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+IV.
+
+MY DEAR JERRY,--I am writing this from my position on top of a small hill,
+while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits for me to speak.
+I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere else I should have
+to climb down this hill and then up another one. I hate hills. So does the
+devoted band.
+
+Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks an
+army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we fix
+and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This, we
+hope, affects the enemy's _moral_, and having your _moral_ affected every
+ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.
+
+The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is true
+from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last three
+months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted them not to
+be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh heartily, nay
+uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.
+
+Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the antheap
+beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to you
+Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.
+
+When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days), he
+was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his comrades;
+for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really big stalks
+in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older ants would
+step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him, always ending
+by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never dismayed.
+
+Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but his
+triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and two
+bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his burden, and
+fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he recovered he would
+try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he succeeded in effecting an
+entrance after twenty-three successive chuck-outs.
+
+His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.
+
+'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a venerable
+ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years, approached
+the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He swore and
+struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant subordinates stood
+about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized his plank, dashed
+forward--you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is the gospel truth--saluted
+smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort of ladder. Supporting himself
+upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw
+him asking someone the lad's name.
+
+That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+there must have been some lack of discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+addressed him as "Erb."
+
+Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now make
+a martial noise, so _au revoir._
+
+          Thine,
+          PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.
+
+_Tommy_ (_by roadside_). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO THE PICTURES?"
+
+_Highlander_. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE GUARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Motor Cycle_ says over 165,000 magnates have been made in Britain
+    for war purposes."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent virgil than
+    to anything else."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the Fleet,
+but he might have allowed him a capital initial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in Germany 800
+    waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."      _Manchester Evening
+    News_.
+
+A notable instance of large-handed generosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIX VILE VERBS.
+
+(_To the makers of journalese, and others, from a fastidious reader._)
+
+  When I see on a poster
+    A programme which "features"
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other
+    Delectable creatures,
+  I feel just as if
+    Someone hit me a slam
+  Or a strenuous biff
+    On the mid diaphragm.
+
+  When I read in a story,
+    Though void of offences,
+  That somebody "glimpses"
+    Or somebody "senses,"
+  The chord that is struck
+    Fills my bosom with ire,
+  And I'm ready to chuck
+    The whole book in the fire.
+
+  When against any writer
+    It's urged that he "stresses"
+  His points, or that something
+    His fancy "obsesses,"
+  In awarding his blame
+    Though the critic be right,
+  Yet I feel all the same
+    I could shoot him at sight.
+
+  But (worst of these horrors)
+    Whenever I read
+  That somebody "voices"
+    A national need,
+  As the Bulgars and Greeks
+    Are abhorred by the Serb,
+  So I feel toward the freaks
+    Who employ this vile verb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for their
+    township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+    considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+    _Botherham Advertiser_.
+
+Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."      _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+deep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-CHAR.
+
+    SCENE.--_A square in Kensington. At every other door is seen the lady
+    of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush, rags,
+    metal-polish, etc._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    In days before the War
+      Had turned the world to Hades
+        We did not soil
+        Our hands with toil--
+      We all were perfect ladies;
+    To scrub the kitchen floor
+      Was _infra dig._--disgusting;
+        We'd cook, at most,
+        A slice of toast
+      Or do a bit of dusting.
+
+    But those old days are flown,
+      And now we ply our labours:
+        We cook and scrub,
+        We scour and rub,
+      Regardless of our neighbours;
+    The steps we bravely stone,
+      Nor care a straw who passes
+        The while we clean
+        With shameless mien
+      Quite brazenly the brasses.
+
+  _First Lady_. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?
+  _Second Lady_. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.
+  _Third Lady_. What clothes! What furs!
+  _First Lady_. And tango boots! How thrilling!
+    They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.
+  _Second Lady_. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?
+  _Third Lady_. It would be spoke to.
+  _Second Lady_.          Would it?
+  _First Lady_.                    Let us see!
+
+                  _Enter the_ Super-Char.
+
+  _Super-char_. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say
+    You 'adn't got no servants round this way,
+    And as I've time on 'and--more than I wish,
+    Seein' as all the kids is in munish--
+    I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige
+    Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+      O joy! O rapture!
+      If we capture
+          Such a prize as this!
+    Then we may become once more
+    Ladies, as in days of yore,
+    Lay aside the brooms and pails,
+    Manicure our broken nails,
+    Try the last complexion cream--
+    What a dream
+          Of bliss!
+
+  _Super-Char_. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!
+    I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?
+  _First Lady. _I want a charlady from ten to four,
+    To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.
+  _Super-Char. _Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,
+    What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?
+  _Second Lady_. I want a lady who will kindly call
+    And help me dust the dining-room and hall;
+    At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,
+    And sometimes do a little washing up.
+  _Super-Char_. A little bit of dusting I might lump,
+    But washing up--it gives me fair the 'ump!
+    Next, please!
+  _Third Lady_. My foremost thought would always be
+    The comfort of the lady helping me.
+    We have a cask of beer that's solely for
+    Your use--we are teetotal for the War.
+    I am a cook of more than moderate skill;
+    I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will--
+    Soups, entrées.
+  _Super-Char_. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!
+    So kindly let me 'ave your reference,
+    And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,
+    Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.
+  _Third Lady_. My last good lady left six months ago
+    Because she said I'd singed the _soufflé_ so;
+    She gave me no address to write to--
+  _Super-Char_. What!
+    You've got no reference?
+  _Third Lady_.     Alas, I've not!
+  _Super-Char_. Of course I could not dream of taking you
+    Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.
+    These women--'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!
+    Hi! (_she hails a passing taxi_) Drive me to the nearest cinema.
+                  [_She steps into the taxi and is whirled off._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream;
+    Not yet the barber dresses
+    Our dusty tousled tresses;
+    The thought of titivation
+      Is still a distant dream;
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream.
+
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub;
+    With rag and metal polish
+    The dirt we must demolish;
+    Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,
+      Among the grates we grub;
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub.
+
+                  CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.
+
+"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can tell
+you of a rum un that happened to me."
+
+It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he ought to
+be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.
+
+"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker called
+the _Pearl of Asia_. Her old man at that time was old Captain Gillson, him
+that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place o' the one
+that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was walkin' out
+with a young woman at Liverpool--nice young thing--an' she give me a ring
+to keep to remember 'er by, the day before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it
+had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.
+
+"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a bit
+of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my bunk.
+
+"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from Portland,
+Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin' lump o' pay
+I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot all about the
+ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk yonder.
+
+"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to Liverpool,
+to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in Liverpool was
+the young woman I 'ad the ring of.
+
+"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.
+
+"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched her
+a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I vallied
+'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd slid down
+the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad behind me, I was
+that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.
+
+"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty yaller
+gals ye sing about.'
+
+"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we went on
+like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard the old
+_Pearl_ again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an' send it you in a
+letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for the nasty way you've
+spoke to me,' I says.
+
+"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,' an'
+off she goes with 'er nose in the air.
+
+"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of droppin'
+acrost the _Pearl_ there, for she was bound the same way. But I never did.
+She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward passage, and had to
+put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she never got to Frisco
+until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way it went on. She kep'
+dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest I got to 'er was when
+we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward bound, when we was just
+pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er after that was from a feller
+that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal
+or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I was in the Western Ocean mail-boat
+service at the time, and so o' course she was off my run altogether.
+
+"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger business
+an' went on the North Sea patrol.
+
+"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o' duty,
+and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They generally
+takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o' foreign
+languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I couldn't
+make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink bad.
+
+"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there was
+a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our work
+cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the _Maria de
+Somethink-or-other_--some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for the
+lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a suddent.
+
+"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen that
+there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I 'ad,
+for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was, too.
+
+"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the _Pearl of
+Asia_; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess she was
+in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop railin's as would
+'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.
+
+"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm goin'
+for'ard a minute.'
+
+"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+right, just like I left it."
+
+He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but it
+lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the girl
+after all?"
+
+"Oh! '_er!_" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er name and
+all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them monkey-boats of
+ELDER DEMPSTER'S--'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever struck."
+
+"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"
+
+He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical expression.
+
+"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it weren't."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_to private told off to act as caddie_). "NOW I
+HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF. HAVE
+YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP, SIR." (_Colonel
+is put off again._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Miss ----, the World-renounced Teacher of Dancing."--_Southern Standard_.
+
+Another victim of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Major-General_ (_addressing the men before practising an
+attack behind the lines_). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (_turning to
+the Regimental Sergeant-Major_) WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?"
+
+_Sergeant-Major_. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO TOWSER.
+
+  No pampered pound of peevish fluff
+  That goggles from a lady's muff
+  Art thou, my Towser. In the Park
+  Thy form occasions no remark
+  Unless it be a friendly call
+  From soldiers walking in the Mall,
+  Or the impertinence of pugs
+  Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.
+  For thou art sturdy and thy fur
+  Is rougher than the prickly burr,
+  Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"
+  (Inherited, but Lord knows how!)
+  Far other than the frenzied yaps
+  That emanate from ladies' laps,
+  Thou art, in fact, of doggy size
+  And hast the brown and faithful eyes,
+  So full of love, so void of blame,
+  That fill a master's heart with shame
+  Because he knows he never can
+  Be more a dog and less a man.
+  No champion of a hundred shows,
+  The prey of every draught that blows,
+  Art thou; in fact thy charms present
+  The earmarks of a mixed descent.
+  And, though too proud to start a fight
+  With every cur that looms in sight,
+  None ever saw thee quail beneath
+  A foeman worthy of thy teeth.
+  Thou art, in brief, a model hound,
+  Not so much beautiful as sound
+  In heart and limb; not always strong
+  When nose and eyes impel to wrong,
+  Nor always doing just as bid,
+  But sterling as the minted quid.
+  And I have loved thee in my fashion,
+  Shared with thy face my frugal ration,
+  Squandered my balance at the bank
+  When thou didst chew the postman's shank,
+  And gone in debt replacing stocks
+  Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.
+  And, when they claimed the annual fee
+  That seals the bond twixt thee and me,
+  Against harsh Circumstance's edge
+  Did I not put my fob in pledge
+  And cheat the minions of excise
+  Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?
+  And thou with leaps of lightsome mood
+  Didst bark eternal gratitude
+  And seek my feelings to assail
+  With agitations of the tail.
+  Yet are there beings lost to grace
+  Who claim that thou art out of place,
+  That when the dogs of war are loose
+  Domestic kinds are void of use,
+  And that a chicken or a hog
+  Should take the place of every dog,
+  Which, though with appetite endued,
+  Is not itself a source of food.
+  What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll
+  Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal
+  That men begrudge us, and we'll take
+  Our leave of bones and puppy cake.
+  Back to the woods we'll hie, and there
+  Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,
+  Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,
+  Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig
+  With practised paw and eager snuffle
+  The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.
+                  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural course of
+    the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its ffllww."--_Star_.
+
+It certainly sounds rather diverting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of gramophone records:--
+
+    "Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the emission of the
+    cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the horn--which might
+    indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."
+
+"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes the
+sender of the extract.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ROAD TO VICTORY."
+
+GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"
+
+ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE ZEPPELINS
+THEY'RE MAKIN'?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM OVER 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAXIS AND TALK.
+
+Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.
+
+Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether or
+not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely reminding
+you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women, tend, even
+in the street and when the thermometer is below freezing-point, to a high
+seriousness rare when the sexes are mingled.
+
+Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and all
+uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other, or
+none at all, I am accompanying him.
+
+_He_ (_looking at his watch_). I've got to be at Grosvenor Gardens by
+half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk fast and
+perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (_He said, as a matter of
+fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print that I shall
+employ alternatives every time. Someone really must institute a close
+season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on the stage; and,
+since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty, that, in the present
+state of the wit market, would be privation indeed._)
+
+_I_ (_submerged by brain wave_). Perhaps we'll meet one.
+
+_He._ Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by half-past
+one, and I hate to be late.
+
+_I._ Those tailors you were asking me about--I think you'll find them very
+decent people. They----
+
+_He_ (_excitedly_). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes, the driver
+    casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling friend._
+
+_He._ I thought it was free.
+
+_I._ The flag was down.
+
+_He._ I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.
+
+_I._ Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change, you know,
+I could----
+
+_He._ Do you mind walking a little faster?
+
+_I_ (_mendaciously_). Not at all. I could give you my card, don't you know.
+But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To me they seem to be
+first-rate, as tailors go.
+
+_He_ (_profoundly--though he is not more profound than I am_). Of course,
+as tailors go.
+
+_I._ They 're best at----
+
+_He_ (_excited again_). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No, it's engaged.
+
+_I_ (_with a kind impulse_). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you whether the
+flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther than you.
+
+_He._ Do.
+
+_I._ I was always rather famous for long sight. It's----
+
+_He (turning round)_). Isn't that one behind us? Is that free?
+
+_I._ I can't tell yet.
+
+_He._ Surely the flag's up.
+
+    [_He steps into the road and waves his stick._
+
+_I._ It's a private car.
+
+_He._ Hang the thing! so it is. They ought to be painted white or
+something. Life is not worth living just now.
+
+_I._ They're best for trousers, I should say. Their overcoats----
+
+_He_ (_pointing up side-street_). Isn't that one there? Hi, taxi! Good
+heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk faster. If there
+isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If there's one thing I
+hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry. When I'm hungry I'm
+miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.
+
+_I._ As I was saying----
+
+_He._ What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on the
+streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of them,
+but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal--a positive outrage.
+
+_I._ Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how it is, but
+they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good in other ways,
+you know, that really if you are thinking----
+
+_He._ Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a noise which
+    sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on._
+
+_He._ Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's that he
+said?
+
+_I._ It sounded like "dinner."
+
+_He._ Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the world coming
+to?
+
+_I_ (_brilliantly_). Perhaps he's hungry.
+
+_He._ Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to take you
+because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway. (_Looking
+at his watch_) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't mind, do you?
+
+_I_ (_more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak_). Oh, no.
+
+    [_We both begin to scuttle, half run and half walk._
+
+_I_ (_panting_). As I was saying, they're not A1 at overcoats, but they've
+a first-class cutter for everything else. Just tell me if you want to
+change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get special treatment.
+There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.
+
+_He_ (_breathlessly_). Ah! There's the rank. There's just one cab there.
+How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run like Heaven.
+
+_I_ (_running like Heaven_). I think I'll leave you here.
+
+_He_ (_running still more like Heaven, a little ahead_). Oh no, come on. I
+want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick like Heaven!
+
+    [_We both wave our sticks like Heaven._
+
+_He_ (_subsiding into a walk_). Ah! it's all right. He's seen us. (_Taking
+out his watch_) I've got four minutes. We shall just do it. Good-bye.
+
+    [_He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I shall get
+    lunch._
+
+_He_ (_shouting from window_). Let me know about those tailors some day; if
+they're any good, you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"
+
+"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."
+
+"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said Mr.
+    Williams."--_Star_.
+
+With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the KING'S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DONKEYS.--Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply M.S."
+          _Advt. in Colonial Paper_.
+
+We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the best
+of luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."
+
+It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had been
+administered to him, that _Anthony_ got there; but we were in Wonderland
+almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were asked to
+believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an ideal which
+no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had caught a
+glimpse of it in the creations of Art--at the Tate Gallery or Madame
+TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.
+
+And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven hundred
+thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married by a
+given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives--a couple of
+sisters and their husbands--to find a wife for him. After vainly trying him
+with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had resort, in
+desperation, to the black art of a certain _Mr. Mortimer John_ (U.S.A.), an
+infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid diagnosis of the case and
+at once pronounced himself confident of success.
+
+Briefly--for it is a long and elaborate story--his scheme is to choose a
+charming girl, and make a film drama round her. _Anthony_, with family, is
+taken to see the show and occupies the best box in the Prince of Wales's
+Theatre, from which, after a little critical comment upon us in the
+audience, he falls in love with the heroine. It is the typical film of
+lurid life on a Californian ranch, and might almost have been modelled on
+one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques. There are the familiar scenes of a
+plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly alternating with scenes of her
+progress on horseback through the primeval forest, and concluding with her
+arrival just in time to shoot the villain and untie the noose that
+encircles her lover's carotid.
+
+On the return of the party from the cinema, _Mortimer John_ describes to
+_Anthony_ the powers of a drug which induces the most vivid of dreams. He,
+_John_, had once been in _Anthony's_ pitiful case, and through the services
+of this drug had achieved his quest of the ideal woman. _Anthony_, greatly
+intrigued, consents to swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple
+narcotic, and under its influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a
+suitable change of apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he
+is restored to animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama
+re-enacted before his eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the
+impression that this is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised,
+he himself takes part in the living drama, playing the noble _rôle_ of an
+exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+eternal love with _Aloney_ the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of heroic
+self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving the
+heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve this
+end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity which is
+the very breath of the film-drama.
+
+[Illustration: AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.
+
+_Anthony Silvertree_ MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.
+
+_Aloney_ MISS WINIFRED BARNES.]
+
+The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and under
+its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+confronted with the lady of his "dream," and _Mortimer John_ secures a
+colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of selecting
+his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for his
+son-in-law.
+
+The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life into the
+regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to be just
+conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of the scheme
+is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two, though
+lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.
+
+But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was really
+delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a cinema
+hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in Montague
+Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he imagines it
+to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of sacrifices, had a great
+chance. And he took it.
+
+As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the mercenary
+designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very naïvely and
+prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the most
+discouraging conditions. As _Mortimer John_ Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had
+admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of _Anthony's_
+relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA BILBROOKE was an
+attractive figure, and the part of _Herbert Clatterby_, K.C., was played by
+Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed ease of manner.
+
+If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it would be
+in the matter of the ring which _Anthony_ places on the finger of _Aloney_
+in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act not included in the scheme
+for which _Mortimer John_ was given the credit. Yet as the means by which
+_Anthony_ identified her on his return to consciousness it went far to
+bring that scheme to fruition. I think also that he ought to have shown
+some trace of surprise (I should myself) on finding that he had
+unconsciously exchanged his spotless evening clothes for the kit of a
+broncho-buster.
+
+I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long introduction
+to what is the _clou_ of the play--the film and its reconstructed scenes.
+Why not take a further wrinkle from the cinematic drama and throw upon the
+screen a succinct résumé of the previous argument? Three or four minutes of
+steady application to the text, and we might plunge into the very heart of
+things. I throw out this suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in
+part payment of my debt for some very joyous laughter.     O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."      _The Lady_.
+
+This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--]
+
+[Illustration: --WHATEVER HAPPENS--]
+
+[Illustration: --SEE YOU KEEP--]
+
+[Illustration: --THEM HANDS OF YOURS--]
+
+[Illustration: --WELL ABOVE--]
+
+[Illustration: --YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.
+
+  We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;
+  The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;
+  Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn--
+  Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.
+
+  For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;
+  The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;
+  And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,
+  And we were elves in England before the Romans came.
+
+  We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;
+  We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;
+  And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood
+  Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.
+
+  But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,
+  The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;
+  For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,
+  Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OLD GOTHIC.
+
+    [An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we learn
+    from Press quotations published in _The Daily Chronicle_, is raging
+    through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the Interior
+    has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic in the
+    publications of the Statistical Bureau.]
+
+  The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,
+  They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;
+  For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,
+  He is often incurably stupid and dense
+  To the point of allowing his patriot zeal
+  To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.
+
+  An excellent instance of zeal of this sort
+  Is the movement, endorsed by official support,
+  To ban Latin type in the papers that flow
+  From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.
+
+  Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe
+  And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;
+  It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,
+  For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;
+  It adds to the labour of reading, and tries
+  The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,
+  And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid
+  To people engaged in the spectacle trade.
+  But these manifest drawbacks to little amount
+  When tried by the only criteria that count:
+  Though the people who use it don't really need it,
+  It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.
+  It is solid, _echt-Deutsch_, free from Frenchified froth,
+  And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.
+
+  So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau
+  Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,
+  They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope
+  Will be followed beyond its original scope;
+  For the more German books that in Gothic are printed
+  The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,
+  And the larger the number, released from its gripe,
+  Of the students of Latin ideas--and type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames, nicely
+    upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small chairs,
+    walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, £2; 5 other chairs,
+    upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already too
+much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPINBANOLA.
+
+"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."
+
+"Tut tut," said Francesca.
+
+"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are squawking."
+
+"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're much
+too far away."
+
+"Yes, but I know they're squawking--they always are--and for a sensitive
+highly-strung man it's the same thing."
+
+"Tut-t----"
+
+"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in a
+most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."
+
+"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps below
+their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours and a
+half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an acre of
+land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required to----"
+
+"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."
+
+"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half seconds
+to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many men with one
+arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having first extracted
+the square root of the wheel-base."
+
+"Stow it," I said.
+
+"Isn't that rude?" she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."
+
+"Well, but what _are_ you doing?"
+
+"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.
+
+"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a five-per-center,
+and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your difficulty? Surely you
+do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for him.
+I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know my
+difficulties. It's this getting £100 by paying only £95 that's knocking me
+sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan at four per
+cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the conversion of the
+old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the various lots of
+Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but for a man whose
+mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective, it's as bad as a
+barbed-wire entanglement."
+
+"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+money and take what they give you. That's my motto."
+
+"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head of
+the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of households
+ought-to know their exact position."
+
+"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."
+
+"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"
+
+"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+housekeeping----"
+
+"I always knew you got too much."
+
+"And the children have chipped in with their savings."
+
+"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"
+
+"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into the
+Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the Loan--all, that
+is, except Frederick's little all."
+
+"And what's happened to that?"
+
+"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was fascinated
+by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the purchase of
+cartridges, so there it is."
+
+"And at the end of five years he'll get back £1 for every 15_s._ 6_d._ he's
+put in."
+
+"Yes, he'll get £5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."
+
+"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"
+
+"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd _given_ the money for
+cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra after the
+cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about it."
+
+"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall explain to
+him how much _per cent._ he's getting _per annum_."
+
+"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I know
+you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for him; he's
+going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."
+
+"What on earth's put that into his head?"
+
+"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and two
+or three elastic bands. There it is--you'll find its name inscribed on it."
+
+I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it from?"
+
+"Out of his head," she said.
+
+"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"
+
+"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."
+
+"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."
+
+"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."
+
+"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"
+
+"I'll go and stop them," she said.
+
+"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."
+
+  R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN RALEIGH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+    shutters."--_A farmer in "The Daily News."_
+
+And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his windows
+lie fallow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE
+THE CALL SOUNDED?"
+
+_Recruit_. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE TRUMPET
+BLEW, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to _Interlude_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL),
+tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man constituted like
+Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in 1917." Without any
+doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound to add this warning
+(if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such a purpose is not, and
+could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had previously read of Mr.
+MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he shows here. Obviously
+attached to the modern school of novelists, he has many of its faults and
+more of its virtues. One may accept his main point of view, yet be offended
+sometimes by his details. But the fact remains that in _Geoffrey Battersby_
+he has given us a piece of character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not
+for a very long time has it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph,
+and I wish to proclaim it. The women by whom _Geoffrey_, the weak and the
+wayward, was attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr.
+MAIS shows his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has
+within him the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he
+will free himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight
+and clear before him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call their
+new book of short stories _Seen and Heard_ (SMITH, ELDER), with the
+sub-title, _Before and After 1914_. I say short stories, but actually these
+have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of them make up the volume.
+They are all examples of the same gentle and painstaking craft that their
+writers have before now exhibited elsewhere. Here are no sensational
+happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly emotional. My own favourites
+are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a half-ironical study of the
+temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her child to the blessings of
+civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a terrible old woman, the
+queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was overcome. My other choice,
+the last tale in the collection (and the only one contributed by Miss MARY
+FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the regeneration, through poverty
+and hard work, of two underemployed and unpleasant elderly ladies. A
+restful book, such as will keep no one awake at nights, but will give
+pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of ordinary life sketched
+with precise and careful finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Their Lives_ (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of originality, that
+it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the heroine, or rather, I
+should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly speaking, all three
+daughters of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Radmall_ might be said jointly to fill this
+post, but it is _Christina_, the eldest, who fills most of it. The other
+two were named _Virgilia_ and _Orinthia_, and I can't say that these
+horrific labels did them any injustice. As for the story of "their lives,"
+as VIOLET HUNT tells it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a
+history of three disagreeable children developing into detestable young
+women. Perhaps it may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence,
+but I defy anyone to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which
+is (not to mince matters) the attempted seduction by _Christina_ of a
+middle-aged man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to
+nothing. I like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in which
+the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly soured and
+disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough. But what
+unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a quaintly
+attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the book in
+proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship with Prussia.
+Certainly they are almost frightful enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Having read all about _The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan_ (DUCKWORTH) from
+obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I should be
+infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr. ALFRED
+TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even hints
+that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far indeed
+from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If _Ledgar_ had been satisfied to
+marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have been some danger
+of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past, including his
+Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for that, he will have
+to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in store, supported
+only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to revenge on him all the
+irritation which she and I both felt at his attitude of unemotional
+superiority towards all the world. Some people may think it almost a pity
+that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr. SHEPPARD himself in just
+reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of talking about Anti-Christ
+and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents of murder and insanity
+introduced without any excuse of necessity. The book contains a
+considerable element of lively if undiscriminating humour, but its
+insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless his hero's future
+fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one would like to remind
+the author that essays in this kind are the easiest form of all literary
+effort and the least supportable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_With Serbia into Exile_ (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer little from
+the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by several other pens.
+Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh to say, and a very
+fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and himself are both American
+of the best kind--which is to say, wonderfully resourceful, observant,
+sympathetic and alive. From a newspaper flung away by a stranger on the
+Broadway Express, Mr. JONES first became aware that men were wanted for
+relief work in Serbia, and "in an hour I had become part of the
+expedition." That is a phrase characteristic of the whole book. Though the
+matter of it is the story, "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a
+nation going into exile, Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the
+picturesque and even humorous aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense
+of the effective which enables him to touch in many haunting pictures--the
+delusive peace of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face
+of KING PETER seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and
+countless others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author seems
+successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+American cousins will read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Man in the Fog_ (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find exceedingly
+hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several previous stories
+to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the critics to pleasant
+sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to confess that I found _The
+Man in the Fog_ somewhat wheezy company. The _Man_ of the title was a kind
+of Northern Joseph, dismissed from a promising partnership with Potiphar
+after a domestic intrigue on the lines of the original. The fog happens
+when, years later, he meets the daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her
+mother's house, and (at the risk of the poor girl catching her death)
+detains her on the front step with foggy allusions to the mysterious past.
+I may mention that his own conduct in the interval had been such as I can
+only regard as a lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier
+chapters. But it is all vastly serious--it would perhaps be unkind to say
+sententious--and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of comedy. For
+which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY TIGHE was
+either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter, all three).
+In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent my parting
+advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the selection of such
+words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the dialogue in the present
+book is painfully unhuman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE _IS_ THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER
+THERE WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Great Problem Solved.
+
+Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them on
+their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent writes:--
+
+    "In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement excellently suited
+    for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that it shall be at
+    once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a horizontal
+    slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of the coat,
+    and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of linen, the
+    whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off with a
+    flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of ordinary
+    dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may not be
+    acquainted with it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who are
+    fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took the
+    field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+    twenty years with equanimity."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Or even for the duration of the War.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+152, Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14450-8.txt or 14450-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, February 7th, 1917.</title>
+
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+  {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
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+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
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+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152,
+Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, Feb. 7, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 24, 2004 [EBook #14450]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>February 7th, 1917.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>
+
+<h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3>
+
+  <p>To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical
+  performance, entitled <i>The German Blacksmith</i>, of which he was part
+  author. It is not yet known in what way his people had offended him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted
+  the Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even
+  prepared to put out his tongue at the KAISER.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of
+  selling his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest
+  German Note to America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given
+  them away.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance
+  in Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported
+  that the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the
+  <i>rôle</i> of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the
+  furtherance of the league to enforce peace.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg
+  <i>Fremdenblatt</i>, received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of
+  the Fatherland, fight on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers
+  have written across the cards, "Fight on what?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in
+  this country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few
+  honourable exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien
+  business men have sedulously concealed their identity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+  middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+  already thrown out some nice strong suckers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound
+  in Norwich." But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of
+  Wensleydale cheese in Ilfracombe.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel,
+  the other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused.
+  It appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal
+  before a new Government department commandeered the place.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+  expenses shall not exceed 4<i>d.</i> per elector in three-member
+  boroughs, and several political agents have written to point out that it
+  cannot possibly be done in view of the recent increase in the price of
+  beer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course
+  from 18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved
+  should be added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal
+  from the FOOD CONTROLLER.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a
+  week, board and lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work
+  fifteen hours a day. It is understood that this insidious attempt to
+  popularise agriculture at the expense of the army has been the subject of
+  a heated interchange of letters between the War Office and the Board of
+  Agriculture.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"The warmest places in England yesterday," says <i>The Pall Mall
+  Gazette</i>, "were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got
+  into trouble before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great
+  Britain as England, but we never said a thing like that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A London doctor, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, estimates that colds cost
+  this country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once
+  that we think the charge is excessive.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph
+  messenger running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a
+  position to clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in
+  question was in the act of going off duty.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets&mdash;until a
+  suitable palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary
+  responsible for this feature.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is
+  likely that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in
+  vogue in Soho restaurants.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues,
+  and several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if
+  income tax has been deducted at the source.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" src="images/85thumb.png"
+      alt="What the devil are you doing down that shell-hole?" /></a>
+    <p>"WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR
+    ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Geordie (a trade-unionist).</i> "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE
+    KILLED MA FOWER."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke
+  of York's in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+  1894."&mdash;<i>The Stage</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Is it <i>really</i> only twenty-three years?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant
+  surprise. A sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into
+  glassy ice, which made walking impossible without some assistance. A
+  walking-stick, without some sort of boot covering, was of little
+  avail."&mdash;<i>Oxford Times</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+  bootless.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span>
+
+<h3>THE MUD-LARKS.</h3>
+
+  <p>Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an
+  uninterrupted view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a
+  packing-case floating on an ocean of ooze.</p>
+
+  <p>We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+  bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.</p>
+
+  <p>The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+  ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+  from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+  lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end
+  of you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the
+  spot where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and
+  indented for another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case
+  might be).</p>
+
+  <p>Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a
+  tin lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with
+  our own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its
+  little drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any
+  business, the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each
+  other all over the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep
+  o'day severely Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it
+  rakishly Rococo.</p>
+
+  <p>William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly
+  piping all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it
+  back into shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the
+  term.</p>
+
+  <p>Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full
+  of merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party,
+  but what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the
+  transport mules he had become a saddened man.</p>
+
+  <p>Between them&mdash;the mules and the mess&mdash;he never got a whole
+  night in bod; either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into
+  strange lines and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on
+  the job and the mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the
+  perfect little gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us
+  (instead of assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was,
+  is, or will be) our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans
+  never forgot himself for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The
+  Heavies, for instance. The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into
+  position behind our hill, disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and
+  gave an impression of the crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.</p>
+
+  <p>Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William
+  piped all hands on deck.</p>
+
+  <p>The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's
+  skin, flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress.
+  Albert Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and
+  shutting at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to
+  keep it from working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was
+  coming adrift from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere,
+  giving advice and falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through
+  every style of architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss châlet, and
+  was on the point of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the
+  Heavies switched off their hate and went to bed. And not a second too
+  soon. Another moment and I should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward
+  would have been sea-sick, and the Skipper would have let the east wing go
+  west.</p>
+
+  <p>We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+  something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+  commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+  gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+  charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+  unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing
+  to withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the
+  very next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of
+  preliminary warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay
+  littered about a quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and
+  miserably surveyed the ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The
+  field guns had gone to bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the
+  Hun, couldn't have made a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a
+  mystery; so we all lifted up our voices and wailed for William. He was
+  Mess President; it was his fault, of course.</p>
+
+  <p>At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before
+  him by bashing it with a mallet.</p>
+
+  <p>According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport
+  mule, inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always
+  been something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+  through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him
+  up. He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited
+  by William and the mallet.</p>
+
+  <p>So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk
+  lovingly of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the
+  wonderful view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the
+  homely tune our shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a
+  stormy night.</p>
+
+  <p>And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange
+  sound stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Goddess, hear me&mdash;oh, incline a</p>
+      <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p>
+      <p>Patroness of parturition,</p>
+      <p>Pray make this a special mission;</p>
+      <p>Prove a kind inaugurator</p>
+      <p>Of my votive incubator!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Seventy eggs I put into it&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Each a chick, if you ensue it.</p>
+      <p>Pray you, let me not be saddled</p>
+      <p>With a single "clear" or addled.</p>
+      <p>See! the temperature is steady.</p>
+      <p>Now then, Goddess, <i>are you ready?</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Hear me, Goddess, next invoking</p>
+      <p>You to keep the lamp from smoking,</p>
+      <p>And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're</p>
+      <p><i>Sure</i> to regulate the moisture?</p>
+      <p>Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping</p>
+      <p>When we hear the eggs all pipping!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When no chick the shell encumbers,</p>
+      <p>Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!</p>
+      <p>Then, O patroness of hatches,</p>
+      <p>We will try some further batches.</p>
+      <p>Goddess, hear me!&mdash;oh, incline a</p>
+      <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"MATRIMONY.&mdash;Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet
+  two respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+  above.&mdash;T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O.,
+  Paradise."&mdash;<i>Melbourne Argus.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+  selected a really promising postal address.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German
+  destroyer V69 and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden,
+  to-night. My correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour.
+  After some Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began
+  to sing Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them
+  even better?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" src="images/87thumb.png"
+      alt="A Plain Duty." /></a>
+    <h2>A PLAIN DUTY.</h2>
+
+    <p>"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY
+    BIT, THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE
+    WAR LOAN, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" src="images/88thumb.png"
+      alt="Stick to him!" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"STICK TO HIM&mdash;STICK TO HIM!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU
+    MEAN?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+  <p>MY DEAR JERRY,&mdash;I am writing this from my position on top of a
+  small hill, while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits
+  for me to speak. I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere
+  else I should have to climb down this hill and then up another one. I
+  hate hills. So does the devoted band.</p>
+
+  <p>Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks
+  an army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we
+  fix and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This,
+  we hope, affects the enemy's <i>moral</i>, and having your <i>moral</i>
+  affected every ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.</p>
+
+  <p>The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is
+  true from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last
+  three months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted
+  them not to be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh
+  heartily, nay uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.</p>
+
+  <p>Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the
+  antheap beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to
+  you Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.</p>
+
+  <p>When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days),
+  he was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+  removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+  time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+  enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his
+  comrades; for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really
+  big stalks in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older
+  ants would step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him,
+  always ending by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never
+  dismayed.</p>
+
+  <p>Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+  disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but
+  his triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and
+  two bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his
+  burden, and fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he
+  recovered he would try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he
+  succeeded in effecting an entrance after twenty-three successive
+  chuck-outs.</p>
+
+  <p>His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+  obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+  seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.</p>
+
+  <p>'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a
+  venerable ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years,
+  approached the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He
+  swore and struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant
+  subordinates stood about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized
+  his plank, dashed forward&mdash;you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is
+  the gospel truth&mdash;saluted smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort
+  of ladder. Supporting himself upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he
+  spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw him asking someone the lad's name.</p>
+
+  <p>That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+  party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+  there must have been some lack of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89"
+  id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+  addressed him as "Erb."</p>
+
+  <p>Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now
+  make a martial noise, so <i>au revoir.</i></p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8">Thine,</p>
+      <p class="i8">PETER.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" src="images/89thumb.png"
+      alt="Distractions of camp life." /></a>
+    <h3>DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>by roadside</i>). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO
+    THE PICTURES?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Highlander</i>. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE
+    GUARD."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"<i>The Motor Cycle</i> says over 165,000 magnates have been
+  made in Britain for war purposes."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to
+  appear.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent
+  virgil than to anything else."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the
+  Fleet, but he might have allowed him a capital initial.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in
+  Germany 800 waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Manchester Evening
+  News</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>A notable instance of large-handed generosity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>SIX VILE VERBS.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>To the makers of journalese, and others,
+from a fastidious reader.</i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When I see on a poster</p>
+      <p class="i2">A programme which "features"</p>
+      <p>CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other</p>
+      <p class="i2">Delectable creatures,</p>
+      <p>I feel just as if</p>
+      <p class="i2">Someone hit me a slam</p>
+      <p>Or a strenuous biff</p>
+      <p class="i2">On the mid diaphragm.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When I read in a story,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Though void of offences,</p>
+      <p>That somebody "glimpses"</p>
+      <p class="i2">Or somebody "senses,"</p>
+      <p>The chord that is struck</p>
+      <p class="i2">Fills my bosom with ire,</p>
+      <p>And I'm ready to chuck</p>
+      <p class="i2">The whole book in the fire.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When against any writer</p>
+      <p class="i2">It's urged that he "stresses"</p>
+      <p>His points, or that something</p>
+      <p class="i2">His fancy "obsesses,"</p>
+      <p>In awarding his blame</p>
+      <p class="i2">Though the critic be right,</p>
+      <p>Yet I feel all the same</p>
+      <p class="i2">I could shoot him at sight.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But (worst of these horrors)</p>
+      <p class="i2">Whenever I read</p>
+      <p>That somebody "voices"</p>
+      <p class="i2">A national need,</p>
+      <p>As the Bulgars and Greeks</p>
+      <p class="i2">Are abhorred by the Serb,</p>
+      <p>So I feel toward the freaks</p>
+      <p class="i2">Who employ this vile verb.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for
+  their township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+  considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Botherham Advertiser</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+  deep."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span>
+
+<h3>THE SUPER-CHAR.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>SCENE.&mdash;<i>A square in Kensington. At every other door
+  is seen the lady of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush,
+  rags, metal-polish, etc.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">In days before the War</p>
+      <p class="i4">Had turned the world to Hades</p>
+      <p class="i6">We did not soil</p>
+      <p class="i6">Our hands with toil&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4">We all were perfect ladies;</p>
+      <p class="i2">To scrub the kitchen floor</p>
+      <p class="i4">Was <i>infra dig.</i>&mdash;disgusting;</p>
+      <p class="i6">We'd cook, at most,</p>
+      <p class="i6">A slice of toast</p>
+      <p class="i4">Or do a bit of dusting.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">But those old days are flown,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And now we ply our labours:</p>
+      <p class="i6">We cook and scrub,</p>
+      <p class="i6">We scour and rub,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Regardless of our neighbours;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The steps we bravely stone,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Nor care a straw who passes</p>
+      <p class="i6">The while we clean</p>
+      <p class="i6">With shameless mien</p>
+      <p class="i4">Quite brazenly the brasses.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. What clothes! What furs!</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>. And tango boots! How thrilling!</p>
+      <p class="i2">They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. It would be spoke to.</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Would it?</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Let us see!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Enter the</i> Super-Char.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>Super-char</i>. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say</p>
+      <p class="i2">You 'adn't got no servants round this way,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And as I've time on 'and&mdash;more than I wish,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Seein' as all the kids is in munish&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige</p>
+      <p class="i2">Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">O joy! O rapture!</p>
+      <p class="i4">If we capture</p>
+      <p class="i8">Such a prize as this!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Then we may become once more</p>
+      <p class="i2">Ladies, as in days of yore,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Lay aside the brooms and pails,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Manicure our broken nails,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Try the last complexion cream&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">What a dream</p>
+      <p class="i8">Of bliss!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!</p>
+      <p class="i2">I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?</p>
+      <p><i>First Lady. </i>I want a charlady from ten to four,</p>
+      <p class="i2">To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char. </i>Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,</p>
+      <p class="i2">What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?</p>
+      <p><i>Second Lady</i>. I want a lady who will kindly call</p>
+      <p class="i2">And help me dust the dining-room and hall;</p>
+      <p class="i2">At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And sometimes do a little washing up.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. A little bit of dusting I might lump,</p>
+      <p class="i2">But washing up&mdash;it gives me fair the 'ump!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Next, please!</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My foremost thought would always be</p>
+      <p class="i2">The comfort of the lady helping me.</p>
+      <p class="i2">We have a cask of beer that's solely for</p>
+      <p class="i2">Your use&mdash;we are teetotal for the War.</p>
+      <p class="i2">I am a cook of more than moderate skill;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Soups, entrées.</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!</p>
+      <p class="i2">So kindly let me 'ave your reference,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My last good lady left six months ago</p>
+      <p class="i2">Because she said I'd singed the <i>soufflé</i> so;</p>
+      <p class="i2">She gave me no address to write to&mdash;</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. What!</p>
+      <p class="i2">You've got no reference?</p>
+      <p><i>Third Lady</i>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Alas, I've not!</p>
+      <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Of course I could not dream of taking you</p>
+      <p class="i2">Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.</p>
+      <p class="i2">These women&mdash;'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Hi! (<i>she hails a passing taxi</i>) Drive me to the nearest cinema.</p>
+      <p class="i16">[<i>She steps into the taxi and is whirled off.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the barber dresses</p>
+      <p class="i2">Our dusty tousled tresses;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The thought of titivation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Is still a distant dream;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p>
+      <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub;</p>
+      <p class="i2">With rag and metal polish</p>
+      <p class="i2">The dirt we must demolish;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Among the grates we grub;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p>
+      <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">CURTAIN.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.</h3>
+
+  <p>"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can
+  tell you of a rum un that happened to me."</p>
+
+  <p>It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he
+  ought to be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.</p>
+
+  <p>"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker
+  called the <i>Pearl of Asia</i>. Her old man at that time was old Captain
+  Gillson, him that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place
+  o' the one that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was
+  walkin' out with a young woman at Liverpool&mdash;nice young
+  thing&mdash;an' she give me a ring to keep to remember 'er by, the day
+  before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.</p>
+
+  <p>"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+  'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+  into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a
+  bit of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my
+  bunk.</p>
+
+  <p>"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from
+  Portland, Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin'
+  lump o' pay I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot
+  all about the ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk
+  yonder.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to
+  Liverpool, to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in
+  Liverpool was the young woman I 'ad the ring of.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched
+  her a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I
+  vallied 'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd
+  slid down the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad
+  behind me, I was that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>
+
+  <p>"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty
+  yaller gals ye sing about.'</p>
+
+  <p>"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we
+  went on like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard
+  the old <i>Pearl</i> again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an'
+  send it you in a letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for
+  the nasty way you've spoke to me,' I says.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,'
+  an' off she goes with 'er nose in the air.</p>
+
+  <p>"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of
+  droppin' acrost the <i>Pearl</i> there, for she was bound the same way.
+  But I never did. She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward
+  passage, and had to put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she
+  never got to Frisco until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way
+  it went on. She kep' dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest
+  I got to 'er was when we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward
+  bound, when we was just pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er
+  after that was from a feller that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South
+  Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I
+  was in the Western Ocean mail-boat service at the time, and so o' course
+  she was off my run altogether.</p>
+
+  <p>"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger
+  business an' went on the North Sea patrol.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o'
+  duty, and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They
+  generally takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o'
+  foreign languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I
+  couldn't make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink
+  bad.</p>
+
+  <p>"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there
+  was a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our
+  work cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the <i>Maria de
+  Somethink-or-other</i>&mdash;some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for
+  the lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+  black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a
+  suddent.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen
+  that there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I
+  'ad, for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was,
+  too.</p>
+
+  <p>"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the <i>Pearl
+  of Asia</i>; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess
+  she was in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop
+  railin's as would 'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.</p>
+
+  <p>"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm
+  goin' for'ard a minute.'</p>
+
+  <p>"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+  right, just like I left it."</p>
+
+  <p>He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but
+  it lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the
+  girl after all?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh! '<i>er!</i>" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er
+  name and all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them
+  monkey-boats of ELDER DEMPSTER'S&mdash;'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever
+  struck."</p>
+
+  <p>"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"</p>
+
+  <p>He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical
+  expression.</p>
+
+  <p>"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it
+  weren't."</p>
+
+  <p>C.F.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" src="images/91thumb.png"
+      alt="Golfing Colonel and private told off to act as caddie." /></a>
+    <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>to private told off to act as caddie</i>). "NOW I
+    HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF.
+    HAVE YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private</i>. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP,
+    SIR." (<i>Colonel is put off again.</i>)</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <p>"Miss &mdash;&mdash;, the World-renounced Teacher of
+  Dancing."&mdash;<i>Southern Standard</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>Another victim of the War.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page92" id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%" src="images/92thumb.png"
+      alt="Major-General addressing his men before practising an attack behind the lines" /></a>
+    <p><i>Major-General</i> (<i>addressing the men before practising an
+    attack behind the lines</i>). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+    DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+    ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (<i>turning
+    to the Regimental Sergeant-Major</i>) WHAT IS THE SECOND
+    DIFFERENCE?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TO TOWSER.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>No pampered pound of peevish fluff</p>
+      <p>That goggles from a lady's muff</p>
+      <p>Art thou, my Towser. In the Park</p>
+      <p>Thy form occasions no remark</p>
+      <p>Unless it be a friendly call</p>
+      <p>From soldiers walking in the Mall,</p>
+      <p>Or the impertinence of pugs</p>
+      <p>Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.</p>
+      <p>For thou art sturdy and thy fur</p>
+      <p>Is rougher than the prickly burr,</p>
+      <p>Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"</p>
+      <p>(Inherited, but Lord knows how!)</p>
+      <p>Far other than the frenzied yaps</p>
+      <p>That emanate from ladies' laps,</p>
+      <p>Thou art, in fact, of doggy size</p>
+      <p>And hast the brown and faithful eyes,</p>
+      <p>So full of love, so void of blame,</p>
+      <p>That fill a master's heart with shame</p>
+      <p>Because he knows he never can</p>
+      <p>Be more a dog and less a man.</p>
+      <p>No champion of a hundred shows,</p>
+      <p>The prey of every draught that blows,</p>
+      <p>Art thou; in fact thy charms present</p>
+      <p>The earmarks of a mixed descent.</p>
+      <p>And, though too proud to start a fight</p>
+      <p>With every cur that looms in sight,</p>
+      <p>None ever saw thee quail beneath</p>
+      <p>A foeman worthy of thy teeth.</p>
+      <p>Thou art, in brief, a model hound,</p>
+      <p>Not so much beautiful as sound</p>
+      <p>In heart and limb; not always strong</p>
+      <p>When nose and eyes impel to wrong,</p>
+      <p>Nor always doing just as bid,</p>
+      <p>But sterling as the minted quid.</p>
+      <p>And I have loved thee in my fashion,</p>
+      <p>Shared with thy face my frugal ration,</p>
+      <p>Squandered my balance at the bank</p>
+      <p>When thou didst chew the postman's shank,</p>
+      <p>And gone in debt replacing stocks</p>
+      <p>Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.</p>
+      <p>And, when they claimed the annual fee</p>
+      <p>That seals the bond twixt thee and me,</p>
+      <p>Against harsh Circumstance's edge</p>
+      <p>Did I not put my fob in pledge</p>
+      <p>And cheat the minions of excise</p>
+      <p>Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?</p>
+      <p>And thou with leaps of lightsome mood</p>
+      <p>Didst bark eternal gratitude</p>
+      <p>And seek my feelings to assail</p>
+      <p>With agitations of the tail.</p>
+      <p>Yet are there beings lost to grace</p>
+      <p>Who claim that thou art out of place,</p>
+      <p>That when the dogs of war are loose</p>
+      <p>Domestic kinds are void of use,</p>
+      <p>And that a chicken or a hog</p>
+      <p>Should take the place of every dog,</p>
+      <p>Which, though with appetite endued,</p>
+      <p>Is not itself a source of food.</p>
+      <p>What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll</p>
+      <p>Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal</p>
+      <p>That men begrudge us, and we'll take</p>
+      <p>Our leave of bones and puppy cake.</p>
+      <p>Back to the woods we'll hie, and there</p>
+      <p>Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,</p>
+      <p>Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,</p>
+      <p>Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig</p>
+      <p>With practised paw and eager snuffle</p>
+      <p>The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.</p>
+      <p class="i16">ALGOL.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural
+  course of the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its
+  ffllww."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>It certainly sounds rather diverting.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From a list of gramophone records:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>"Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the
+  emission of the cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the
+  horn&mdash;which might indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."</blockquote>
+
+  <p>"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes
+  the sender of the extract.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" src="images/93thumb.png"
+      alt="The Road to Victory" /></a>
+    <h2>"THE ROAD TO VICTORY."</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END
+    NOW."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/94.png"><img width="100%" src="images/94thumb.png"
+      alt="The new invisible Zeppelins" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE
+    ZEPPELINS THEY'RE MAKIN'?"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM
+    OVER 'ERE."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TAXIS AND TALK.</h3>
+
+  <p>Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+  rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+  even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+  taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.</p>
+
+  <p>Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether
+  or not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely
+  reminding you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women,
+  tend, even in the street and when the thermometer is below
+  freezing-point, to a high seriousness rare when the sexes are
+  mingled.</p>
+
+  <p>Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and
+  all uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other,
+  or none at all, I am accompanying him.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>looking at his watch</i>). I've got to be at Grosvenor
+  Gardens by half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk
+  fast and perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (<i>He said, as a
+  matter of fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print
+  that I shall employ alternatives every time. Someone really must
+  institute a close season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on
+  the stage; and, since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty,
+  that, in the present state of the wit market, would be privation
+  indeed.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>submerged by brain wave</i>). Perhaps we'll meet one.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by
+  half-past one, and I hate to be late.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Those tailors you were asking me about&mdash;I think you'll
+  find them very decent people. They&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes,
+  the driver casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling
+  friend.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> I thought it was free.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> The flag was down.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change,
+  you know, I could&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Do you mind walking a little faster?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>mendaciously</i>). Not at all. I could give you my card,
+  don't you know. But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To
+  me they seem to be first-rate, as tailors go.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>profoundly&mdash;though he is not more profound than I
+  am</i>). Of course, as tailors go.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> They 're best at&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>excited again</i>). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No,
+  it's engaged.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>with a kind impulse</i>). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you
+  whether the flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther
+  than you.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Do.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> I was always rather famous for long sight.
+  It's&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He (turning round)</i>). Isn't that one behind us? Is that
+  free?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> I can't tell yet.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Surely the flag's up.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>He steps into the road and waves his
+  stick.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> It's a private car.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Hang the thing! so it is. They <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page95" id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> ought to be painted white or
+  something. Life is not worth living just now.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> They're best for trousers, I should say. Their
+  overcoats&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>pointing up side-street</i>). Isn't that one there? Hi,
+  taxi! Good heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk
+  faster. If there isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If
+  there's one thing I hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry.
+  When I'm hungry I'm miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> As I was saying&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on
+  the streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of
+  them, but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal&mdash;a positive
+  outrage.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how
+  it is, but they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good
+  in other ways, you know, that really if you are
+  thinking&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a
+  noise which sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's
+  that he said?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I.</i> It sounded like "dinner."</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the
+  world coming to?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>brilliantly</i>). Perhaps he's hungry.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He.</i> Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to
+  take you because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway.
+  (<i>Looking at his watch</i>) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't
+  mind, do you?</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak</i>).
+  Oh, no.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>We both begin to scuttle, half run and half
+  walk.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>panting</i>). As I was saying, they're not A1 at
+  overcoats, but they've a first-class cutter for everything else. Just
+  tell me if you want to change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get
+  special treatment. There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>breathlessly</i>). Ah! There's the rank. There's just
+  one cab there. How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run
+  like Heaven.</p>
+
+  <p><i>I</i> (<i>running like Heaven</i>). I think I'll leave you
+  here.</p>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>running still more like Heaven, a little ahead</i>). Oh
+  no, come on. I want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick
+  like Heaven!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>We both wave our sticks like Heaven.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>subsiding into a walk</i>). Ah! it's all right. He's
+  seen us. (<i>Taking out his watch</i>) I've got four minutes. We shall
+  just do it. Good-bye.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>[<i>He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I
+  shall get lunch.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>He</i> (<i>shouting from window</i>). Let me know about those
+  tailors some day; if they're any good, you know.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" src="images/95thumb.png"
+      alt="Are ye wounded, Terence?" /></a>
+    <p>"ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."</p>
+
+    <p>"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said
+  Mr. Williams."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the
+  KING'S.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"DONKEYS.&mdash;Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply
+  M.S." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Advt. in Colonial
+  Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the
+  best of luck.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span>
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."</p>
+
+  <p>It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had
+  been administered to him, that <i>Anthony</i> got there; but we were in
+  Wonderland almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were
+  asked to believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an
+  ideal which no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had
+  caught a glimpse of it in the creations of Art&mdash;at the Tate Gallery
+  or Madame TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.</p>
+
+  <p>And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven
+  hundred thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married
+  by a given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives&mdash;a
+  couple of sisters and their husbands&mdash;to find a wife for him. After
+  vainly trying him with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had
+  resort, in desperation, to the black art of a certain <i>Mr. Mortimer
+  John</i> (U.S.A.), an infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid
+  diagnosis of the case and at once pronounced himself confident of
+  success.</p>
+
+  <p>Briefly&mdash;for it is a long and elaborate story&mdash;his scheme is
+  to choose a charming girl, and make a film drama round her.
+  <i>Anthony</i>, with family, is taken to see the show and occupies the
+  best box in the Prince of Wales's Theatre, from which, after a little
+  critical comment upon us in the audience, he falls in love with the
+  heroine. It is the typical film of lurid life on a Californian ranch, and
+  might almost have been modelled on one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques.
+  There are the familiar scenes of a plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly
+  alternating with scenes of her progress on horseback through the primeval
+  forest, and concluding with her arrival just in time to shoot the villain
+  and untie the noose that encircles her lover's carotid.</p>
+
+  <p>On the return of the party from the cinema, <i>Mortimer John</i>
+  describes to <i>Anthony</i> the powers of a drug which induces the most
+  vivid of dreams. He, <i>John</i>, had once been in <i>Anthony's</i>
+  pitiful case, and through the services of this drug had achieved his
+  quest of the ideal woman. <i>Anthony</i>, greatly intrigued, consents to
+  swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple narcotic, and under its
+  influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a suitable change of
+  apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he is restored to
+  animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama re-enacted before his
+  eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the impression that this
+  is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised, he himself takes
+  part in the living drama, playing the noble <i>rôle</i> of an
+  exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+  eternal love with <i>Aloney</i> the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of
+  heroic self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving
+  the heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve
+  this end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity
+  which is the very breath of the film-drama.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/96.png"><img width="100%" src="images/96thumb.png"
+      alt="An Idyll of Movie-land." /></a>
+    <h4>AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Anthony Silvertree</i> MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Aloney</i> MISS WINIFRED BARNES.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and
+  under its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+  confronted with the lady of his "dream," and <i>Mortimer John</i> secures
+  a colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of
+  selecting his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for
+  his son-in-law.</p>
+
+  <p>The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life
+  into the regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to
+  be just conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of
+  the scheme is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two,
+  though lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.</p>
+
+  <p>But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+  reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was
+  really delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a
+  cinema hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in
+  Montague Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he
+  imagines it to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of
+  sacrifices, had a great chance. And he took it.</p>
+
+  <p>As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the
+  mercenary designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very
+  naïvely and prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the
+  most discouraging conditions. As <i>Mortimer John</i> Mr. SYDNEY
+  VALENTINE had admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of
+  <i>Anthony's</i> relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA
+  BILBROOKE was an attractive figure, and the part of <i>Herbert
+  Clatterby</i>, K.C., was played by Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed
+  ease of manner.</p>
+
+  <p>If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it
+  would be in the matter of the ring which <i>Anthony</i> places on the
+  finger of <i>Aloney</i> in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act
+  not included in the scheme for which <i>Mortimer John</i> was given the
+  credit. Yet as the means by which <i>Anthony</i> identified her on his
+  return to consciousness it went far to bring that scheme to fruition. I
+  think also that he ought to have shown some trace of surprise (I should
+  myself) on finding that he had unconsciously exchanged his spotless
+  evening clothes for the kit of a broncho-buster.</p>
+
+  <p>I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long
+  introduction to what is the <i>clou</i> of the play&mdash;the film and
+  its reconstructed scenes. Why not take a further wrinkle from the
+  cinematic drama and throw upon the screen a succinct résumé of the
+  previous argument? Three or four minutes of steady application to the
+  text, and we might plunge into the very heart of things. I throw out this
+  suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in part payment of my debt
+  for some very joyous laughter.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>The Lady</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span>
+
+<table><tr><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97athumb.png"
+      alt="And look here, Fritz" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97bthumb.png"
+      alt="whatever happens" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;WHATEVER HAPPENS&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97cthumb.png"
+      alt="see you keep" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;SEE YOU KEEP&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr><tr><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97dthumb.png"
+      alt="them hands of yours" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;THEM HANDS OF YOURS&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97ethumb.png"
+      alt="well above" /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;WELL ABOVE&mdash;</p>
+  </div>
+</td><td>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/97f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97fthumb.png"
+      alt="your blinkin' head." /></a>
+    <p class="center">&mdash;YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr></table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.</h4>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;</p>
+      <p>The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;</p>
+      <p>Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;</p>
+      <p>The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;</p>
+      <p>And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,</p>
+      <p>And we were elves in England before the Romans came.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;</p>
+      <p>We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;</p>
+      <p>And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood</p>
+      <p>Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,</p>
+      <p>The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;</p>
+      <p>For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,</p>
+      <p>Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.</p>
+      <p class="i16">W.H.O.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>GOOD OLD GOTHIC.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>[An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we
+  learn from Press quotations published in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, is
+  raging through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the
+  Interior has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic
+  in the publications of the Statistical Bureau.]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,</p>
+      <p>They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;</p>
+      <p>For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,</p>
+      <p>He is often incurably stupid and dense</p>
+      <p>To the point of allowing his patriot zeal</p>
+      <p>To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>An excellent instance of zeal of this sort</p>
+      <p>Is the movement, endorsed by official support,</p>
+      <p>To ban Latin type in the papers that flow</p>
+      <p>From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe</p>
+      <p>And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;</p>
+      <p>It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,</p>
+      <p>For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;</p>
+      <p>It adds to the labour of reading, and tries</p>
+      <p>The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,</p>
+      <p>And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid</p>
+      <p>To people engaged in the spectacle trade.</p>
+      <p>But these manifest drawbacks to little amount</p>
+      <p>When tried by the only criteria that count:</p>
+      <p>Though the people who use it don't really need it,</p>
+      <p>It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.</p>
+      <p>It is solid, <i>echt-Deutsch</i>, free from Frenchified froth,</p>
+      <p>And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau</p>
+      <p>Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,</p>
+      <p>They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope</p>
+      <p>Will be followed beyond its original scope;</p>
+      <p>For the more German books that in Gothic are printed</p>
+      <p>The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,</p>
+      <p>And the larger the number, released from its gripe,</p>
+      <p>Of the students of Latin ideas&mdash;and type.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames,
+  nicely upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small
+  chairs, walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, £2; 5 other chairs,
+  upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."&mdash;<i>The
+  Bazaar</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already
+  too much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span>
+
+<h3>THE TIPINBANOLA.</h3>
+
+  <p>"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut tut," said Francesca.</p>
+
+  <p>"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are
+  squawking."</p>
+
+  <p>"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're
+  much too far away."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, but I know they're squawking&mdash;they always are&mdash;and for
+  a sensitive highly-strung man it's the same thing."</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut-t&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in
+  a most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."</p>
+
+  <p>"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps
+  below their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours
+  and a half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an
+  acre of land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required
+  to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."</p>
+
+  <p>"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+  sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half
+  seconds to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many
+  men with one arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having
+  first extracted the square root of the wheel-base."</p>
+
+  <p>"Stow it," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Isn't that rude?" she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, but what <i>are</i> you doing?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a
+  five-per-center, and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your
+  difficulty? Surely you do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF
+  THE EXCHEQUER."</p>
+
+  <p>"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for
+  him. I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know
+  my difficulties. It's this getting £100 by paying only £95 that's
+  knocking me sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan
+  at four per cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the
+  conversion of the old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the
+  various lots of Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but
+  for a man whose mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective,
+  it's as bad as a barbed-wire entanglement."</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+  money and take what they give you. That's my motto."</p>
+
+  <p>"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head
+  of the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of
+  households ought-to know their exact position."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+  better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+  ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."</p>
+
+  <p>"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+  housekeeping&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"I always knew you got too much."</p>
+
+  <p>"And the children have chipped in with their savings."</p>
+
+  <p>"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into
+  the Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the
+  Loan&mdash;all, that is, except Frederick's little all."</p>
+
+  <p>"And what's happened to that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was
+  fascinated by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the
+  purchase of cartridges, so there it is."</p>
+
+  <p>"And at the end of five years he'll get back £1 for every 15<i>s.</i>
+  6<i>d.</i> he's put in."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, he'll get £5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."</p>
+
+  <p>"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd <i>given</i> the money
+  for cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra
+  after the cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about
+  it."</p>
+
+  <p>"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall
+  explain to him how much <i>per cent.</i> he's getting <i>per
+  annum</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I
+  know you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for
+  him; he's going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."</p>
+
+  <p>"What on earth's put that into his head?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+  instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and
+  two or three elastic bands. There it is&mdash;you'll find its name
+  inscribed on it."</p>
+
+  <p>I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+  strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."</p>
+
+  <p>"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it
+  from?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Out of his head," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."</p>
+
+  <p>"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."</p>
+
+  <p>"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'll go and stop them," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>R.C.L.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" src="images/98thumb.png"
+      alt="The Modern Raleigh" /></a>
+    <h4>THE MODERN RALEIGH.</h4>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>"If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+  shutters."&mdash;<i>A farmer in "The Daily News."</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p>And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his
+  windows lie fallow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" src="images/99thumb.png"
+      alt="What do you mean by feeding that horse?" /></a>
+    <p><i>Officer</i>. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE THE
+    CALL SOUNDED?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Recruit</i>. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE
+    TRUMPET BLEW, SIR."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to <i>Interlude</i> (CHAPMAN
+  AND HALL), tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man
+  constituted like Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in
+  1917." Without any doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound
+  to add this warning (if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such
+  a purpose is not, and could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had
+  previously read of Mr. MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he
+  shows here. Obviously attached to the modern school of novelists, he has
+  many of its faults and more of its virtues. One may accept his main point
+  of view, yet be offended sometimes by his details. But the fact remains
+  that in <i>Geoffrey Battersby</i> he has given us a piece of
+  character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not for a very long time has
+  it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph, and I wish to proclaim
+  it. The women by whom <i>Geoffrey</i>, the weak and the wayward, was
+  attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr. MAIS shows
+  his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has within him
+  the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he will free
+  himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight and clear
+  before him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call
+  their new book of short stories <i>Seen and Heard</i> (SMITH, ELDER),
+  with the sub-title, <i>Before and After 1914</i>. I say short stories,
+  but actually these have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of
+  them make up the volume. They are all examples of the same gentle and
+  painstaking craft that their writers have before now exhibited elsewhere.
+  Here are no sensational happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly
+  emotional. My own favourites are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a
+  half-ironical study of the temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her
+  child to the blessings of civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a
+  terrible old woman, the queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was
+  overcome. My other choice, the last tale in the collection (and the only
+  one contributed by Miss MARY FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the
+  regeneration, through poverty and hard work, of two underemployed and
+  unpleasant elderly ladies. A restful book, such as will keep no one awake
+  at nights, but will give pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of
+  ordinary life sketched with precise and careful finish.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>Their Lives</i> (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of
+  originality, that it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the
+  heroine, or rather, I should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly
+  speaking, all three daughters of <i>Mr.</i> and <i>Mrs. Radmall</i> might
+  be said jointly to fill this post, but it is <i>Christina</i>, the
+  eldest, who fills most of it. The other two were named <i>Virgilia</i>
+  and <i>Orinthia</i>, and I can't say that these horrific labels did them
+  any injustice. As for the story of "their lives," as VIOLET HUNT tells
+  it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a history of three
+  disagreeable children developing into detestable young women. Perhaps it
+  may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence, but I defy anyone
+  to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which is (not to mince
+  matters) the attempted seduction by <i>Christina</i> of a middle-aged
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span>
+  man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to nothing. I
+  like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+  unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in
+  which the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly
+  soured and disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough.
+  But what unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a
+  quaintly attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the
+  book in proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship
+  with Prussia. Certainly they are almost frightful enough.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Having read all about <i>The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan</i> (DUCKWORTH)
+  from obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I
+  should be infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr.
+  ALFRED TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even
+  hints that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far
+  indeed from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If <i>Ledgar</i> had been
+  satisfied to marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have
+  been some danger of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past,
+  including his Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for
+  that, he will have to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in
+  store, supported only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to
+  revenge on him all the irritation which she and I both felt at his
+  attitude of unemotional superiority towards all the world. Some people
+  may think it almost a pity that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr.
+  SHEPPARD himself in just reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of
+  talking about Anti-Christ and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents
+  of murder and insanity introduced without any excuse of necessity. The
+  book contains a considerable element of lively if undiscriminating
+  humour, but its insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless
+  his hero's future fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one
+  would like to remind the author that essays in this kind are the easiest
+  form of all literary effort and the least supportable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>With Serbia into Exile</i> (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer
+  little from the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by
+  several other pens. Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh
+  to say, and a very fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and
+  himself are both American of the best kind&mdash;which is to say,
+  wonderfully resourceful, observant, sympathetic and alive. From a
+  newspaper flung away by a stranger on the Broadway Express, Mr. JONES
+  first became aware that men were wanted for relief work in Serbia, and
+  "in an hour I had become part of the expedition." That is a phrase
+  characteristic of the whole book. Though the matter of it is the story,
+  "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a nation going into exile,
+  Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the picturesque and even humorous
+  aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense of the effective which
+  enables him to touch in many haunting pictures&mdash;the delusive peace
+  of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face of KING PETER
+  seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and countless
+  others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+  admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author
+  seems successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+  selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+  look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+  American cousins will read this book.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Man in the Fog</i> (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find
+  exceedingly hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several
+  previous stories to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the
+  critics to pleasant sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to
+  confess that I found <i>The Man in the Fog</i> somewhat wheezy company.
+  The <i>Man</i> of the title was a kind of Northern Joseph, dismissed from
+  a promising partnership with Potiphar after a domestic intrigue on the
+  lines of the original. The fog happens when, years later, he meets the
+  daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her mother's house, and (at the
+  risk of the poor girl catching her death) detains her on the front step
+  with foggy allusions to the mysterious past. I may mention that his own
+  conduct in the interval had been such as I can only regard as a
+  lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier chapters. But it is
+  all vastly serious&mdash;it would perhaps be unkind to say
+  sententious&mdash;and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of
+  comedy. For which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY
+  TIGHE was either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter,
+  all three). In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent
+  my parting advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the
+  selection of such words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the
+  dialogue in the present book is painfully unhuman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" src="images/100thumb.png"
+      alt="God bless the old woman!" /></a>
+    <p>"GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE <i>IS</i> THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER THERE
+    WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+    'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A Great Problem Solved.</h4>
+
+  <p>Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them
+  on their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent
+  writes:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>"In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement
+  excellently suited for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that
+  it shall be at once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a
+  horizontal slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of
+  the coat, and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of
+  linen, the whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off
+  with a flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of
+  ordinary dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may
+  not be acquainted with it."</blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>"Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who
+  are fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took
+  the field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+  twenty years with equanimity."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</blockquote>
+
+  <p>Or even for the duration of the War.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+152, Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1958 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152,
+Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, Feb. 7, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 24, 2004 [EBook #14450]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical performance,
+entitled _The German Blacksmith_, of which he was part author. It is not
+yet known in what way his people had offended him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted the
+Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even prepared to
+put out his tongue at the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of selling
+his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest German Note to
+America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given them away.
+
+       ***
+
+As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance in
+Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported that
+the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the _role_
+of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the furtherance of the
+league to enforce peace.
+
+       ***
+
+Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg _Fremdenblatt_,
+received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of the Fatherland, fight
+on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers have written across the
+cards, "Fight on what?"
+
+       ***
+
+After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in this
+country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few honourable
+exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien business men
+have sedulously concealed their identity.
+
+       ***
+
+The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+already thrown out some nice strong suckers.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1_s._ 6_d._ a pound in Norwich."
+But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of Wensleydale
+cheese in Ilfracombe.
+
+       ***
+
+The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, the
+other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. It
+appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal before a
+new Government department commandeered the place.
+
+       ***
+
+The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+expenses shall not exceed 4_d._ per elector in three-member boroughs, and
+several political agents have written to point out that it cannot possibly
+be done in view of the recent increase in the price of beer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course from
+18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved should be
+added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal from the FOOD
+CONTROLLER.
+
+       ***
+
+A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13_s._ 6_d._ a week, board and
+lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work fifteen hours a day. It
+is understood that this insidious attempt to popularise agriculture at the
+expense of the army has been the subject of a heated interchange of letters
+between the War Office and the Board of Agriculture.
+
+       ***
+
+"The warmest places in England yesterday," says _The Pall Mall Gazette_,
+"were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got into trouble
+before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great Britain as
+England, but we never said a thing like that.
+
+       ***
+
+A London doctor, says _The Daily Mail_, estimates that colds cost this
+country L15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once that
+we think the charge is excessive.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph messenger
+running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a position to
+clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in question was in the
+act of going off duty.
+
+       ***
+
+There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets--until a suitable
+palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary responsible
+for this feature.
+
+       ***
+
+The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is likely
+that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in vogue in
+Soho restaurants.
+
+       ***
+
+The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, and
+several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if income tax
+has been deducted at the source.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T
+YOU HEAR ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"
+
+_Geordie (a trade-unionist)._ "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE KILLED MA
+FOWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke of York's
+    in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+    1894."--_The Stage_.
+
+Is it _really_ only twenty-three years?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant surprise. A
+    sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into glassy ice,
+    which made walking impossible without some assistance. A walking-stick,
+    without some sort of boot covering, was of little avail."--_Oxford
+    Times_.
+
+That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+bootless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD-LARKS.
+
+Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an uninterrupted
+view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a packing-case
+floating on an ocean of ooze.
+
+We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.
+
+The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end of
+you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the spot
+where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and indented for
+another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case might be).
+
+Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a tin
+lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with our
+own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its little
+drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any business,
+the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each other all over
+the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep o'day severely
+Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it rakishly Rococo.
+
+William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly piping
+all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it back into
+shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the term.
+
+Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full of
+merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party, but
+what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the transport
+mules he had become a saddened man.
+
+Between them--the mules and the mess--he never got a whole night in bod;
+either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into strange lines
+and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on the job and the
+mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the perfect little
+gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us (instead of
+assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was, is, or will be)
+our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans never forgot himself
+for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The Heavies, for instance.
+The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into position behind our hill,
+disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and gave an impression of the
+crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.
+
+Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William piped
+all hands on deck.
+
+The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's skin,
+flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress. Albert
+Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and shutting
+at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to keep it from
+working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was coming adrift
+from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere, giving advice and
+falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through every style of
+architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss chalet, and was on the point
+of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the Heavies switched off
+their hate and went to bed. And not a second too soon. Another moment and I
+should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward would have been sea-sick, and
+the Skipper would have let the east wing go west.
+
+We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing to
+withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the very
+next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of preliminary
+warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay littered about a
+quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and miserably surveyed the
+ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The field guns had gone to
+bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the Hun, couldn't have made
+a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a mystery; so we all lifted up our
+voices and wailed for William. He was Mess President; it was his fault, of
+course.
+
+At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before him
+by bashing it with a mallet.
+
+According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport mule,
+inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always been
+something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him up.
+He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited by
+William and the mallet.
+
+So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk lovingly
+of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the wonderful
+view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the homely tune our
+shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a stormy night.
+
+And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange sound
+stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+I.
+
+  Goddess, hear me--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+  Patroness of parturition,
+  Pray make this a special mission;
+  Prove a kind inaugurator
+  Of my votive incubator!
+
+  Seventy eggs I put into it--
+  Each a chick, if you ensue it.
+  Pray you, let me not be saddled
+  With a single "clear" or addled.
+  See! the temperature is steady.
+  Now then, Goddess, _are you ready?_
+
+  Hear me, Goddess, next invoking
+  You to keep the lamp from smoking,
+  And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're
+  _Sure_ to regulate the moisture?
+  Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping
+  When we hear the eggs all pipping!
+
+  When no chick the shell encumbers,
+  Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!
+  Then, O patroness of hatches,
+  We will try some further batches.
+  Goddess, hear me!--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY.--Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet two
+    respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+    above.--T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O., Paradise."--_Melbourne
+    Argus._
+
+If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+selected a really promising postal address.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German destroyer V69
+    and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden, to-night. My
+    correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour. After some
+    Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began to sing
+    Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them even
+better?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLAIN DUTY.
+
+"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY BIT,
+THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE WAR LOAN,
+THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STICK TO HIM--STICK TO HIM!"
+
+"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+IV.
+
+MY DEAR JERRY,--I am writing this from my position on top of a small hill,
+while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits for me to speak.
+I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere else I should have
+to climb down this hill and then up another one. I hate hills. So does the
+devoted band.
+
+Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks an
+army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we fix
+and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This, we
+hope, affects the enemy's _moral_, and having your _moral_ affected every
+ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.
+
+The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is true
+from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last three
+months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted them not to
+be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh heartily, nay
+uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.
+
+Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the antheap
+beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to you
+Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.
+
+When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days), he
+was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his comrades;
+for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really big stalks
+in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older ants would
+step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him, always ending
+by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never dismayed.
+
+Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but his
+triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and two
+bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his burden, and
+fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he recovered he would
+try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he succeeded in effecting an
+entrance after twenty-three successive chuck-outs.
+
+His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.
+
+'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a venerable
+ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years, approached
+the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He swore and
+struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant subordinates stood
+about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized his plank, dashed
+forward--you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is the gospel truth--saluted
+smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort of ladder. Supporting himself
+upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw
+him asking someone the lad's name.
+
+That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+there must have been some lack of discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+addressed him as "Erb."
+
+Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now make
+a martial noise, so _au revoir._
+
+          Thine,
+          PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.
+
+_Tommy_ (_by roadside_). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO THE PICTURES?"
+
+_Highlander_. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE GUARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Motor Cycle_ says over 165,000 magnates have been made in Britain
+    for war purposes."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent virgil than
+    to anything else."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the Fleet,
+but he might have allowed him a capital initial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in Germany 800
+    waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."      _Manchester Evening
+    News_.
+
+A notable instance of large-handed generosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIX VILE VERBS.
+
+(_To the makers of journalese, and others, from a fastidious reader._)
+
+  When I see on a poster
+    A programme which "features"
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other
+    Delectable creatures,
+  I feel just as if
+    Someone hit me a slam
+  Or a strenuous biff
+    On the mid diaphragm.
+
+  When I read in a story,
+    Though void of offences,
+  That somebody "glimpses"
+    Or somebody "senses,"
+  The chord that is struck
+    Fills my bosom with ire,
+  And I'm ready to chuck
+    The whole book in the fire.
+
+  When against any writer
+    It's urged that he "stresses"
+  His points, or that something
+    His fancy "obsesses,"
+  In awarding his blame
+    Though the critic be right,
+  Yet I feel all the same
+    I could shoot him at sight.
+
+  But (worst of these horrors)
+    Whenever I read
+  That somebody "voices"
+    A national need,
+  As the Bulgars and Greeks
+    Are abhorred by the Serb,
+  So I feel toward the freaks
+    Who employ this vile verb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for their
+    township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+    considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+    _Botherham Advertiser_.
+
+Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."      _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+deep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-CHAR.
+
+    SCENE.--_A square in Kensington. At every other door is seen the lady
+    of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush, rags,
+    metal-polish, etc._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    In days before the War
+      Had turned the world to Hades
+        We did not soil
+        Our hands with toil--
+      We all were perfect ladies;
+    To scrub the kitchen floor
+      Was _infra dig._--disgusting;
+        We'd cook, at most,
+        A slice of toast
+      Or do a bit of dusting.
+
+    But those old days are flown,
+      And now we ply our labours:
+        We cook and scrub,
+        We scour and rub,
+      Regardless of our neighbours;
+    The steps we bravely stone,
+      Nor care a straw who passes
+        The while we clean
+        With shameless mien
+      Quite brazenly the brasses.
+
+  _First Lady_. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?
+  _Second Lady_. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.
+  _Third Lady_. What clothes! What furs!
+  _First Lady_. And tango boots! How thrilling!
+    They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.
+  _Second Lady_. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?
+  _Third Lady_. It would be spoke to.
+  _Second Lady_.          Would it?
+  _First Lady_.                    Let us see!
+
+                  _Enter the_ Super-Char.
+
+  _Super-char_. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say
+    You 'adn't got no servants round this way,
+    And as I've time on 'and--more than I wish,
+    Seein' as all the kids is in munish--
+    I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige
+    Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+      O joy! O rapture!
+      If we capture
+          Such a prize as this!
+    Then we may become once more
+    Ladies, as in days of yore,
+    Lay aside the brooms and pails,
+    Manicure our broken nails,
+    Try the last complexion cream--
+    What a dream
+          Of bliss!
+
+  _Super-Char_. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!
+    I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?
+  _First Lady. _I want a charlady from ten to four,
+    To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.
+  _Super-Char. _Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,
+    What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?
+  _Second Lady_. I want a lady who will kindly call
+    And help me dust the dining-room and hall;
+    At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,
+    And sometimes do a little washing up.
+  _Super-Char_. A little bit of dusting I might lump,
+    But washing up--it gives me fair the 'ump!
+    Next, please!
+  _Third Lady_. My foremost thought would always be
+    The comfort of the lady helping me.
+    We have a cask of beer that's solely for
+    Your use--we are teetotal for the War.
+    I am a cook of more than moderate skill;
+    I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will--
+    Soups, entrees.
+  _Super-Char_. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!
+    So kindly let me 'ave your reference,
+    And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,
+    Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.
+  _Third Lady_. My last good lady left six months ago
+    Because she said I'd singed the _souffle_ so;
+    She gave me no address to write to--
+  _Super-Char_. What!
+    You've got no reference?
+  _Third Lady_.     Alas, I've not!
+  _Super-Char_. Of course I could not dream of taking you
+    Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.
+    These women--'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!
+    Hi! (_she hails a passing taxi_) Drive me to the nearest cinema.
+                  [_She steps into the taxi and is whirled off._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream;
+    Not yet the barber dresses
+    Our dusty tousled tresses;
+    The thought of titivation
+      Is still a distant dream;
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream.
+
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub;
+    With rag and metal polish
+    The dirt we must demolish;
+    Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,
+      Among the grates we grub;
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub.
+
+                  CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.
+
+"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can tell
+you of a rum un that happened to me."
+
+It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he ought to
+be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.
+
+"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker called
+the _Pearl of Asia_. Her old man at that time was old Captain Gillson, him
+that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place o' the one
+that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was walkin' out
+with a young woman at Liverpool--nice young thing--an' she give me a ring
+to keep to remember 'er by, the day before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it
+had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.
+
+"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a bit
+of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my bunk.
+
+"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from Portland,
+Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin' lump o' pay
+I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot all about the
+ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk yonder.
+
+"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to Liverpool,
+to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in Liverpool was
+the young woman I 'ad the ring of.
+
+"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.
+
+"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched her
+a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I vallied
+'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd slid down
+the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad behind me, I was
+that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.
+
+"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty yaller
+gals ye sing about.'
+
+"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we went on
+like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard the old
+_Pearl_ again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an' send it you in a
+letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for the nasty way you've
+spoke to me,' I says.
+
+"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,' an'
+off she goes with 'er nose in the air.
+
+"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of droppin'
+acrost the _Pearl_ there, for she was bound the same way. But I never did.
+She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward passage, and had to
+put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she never got to Frisco
+until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way it went on. She kep'
+dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest I got to 'er was when
+we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward bound, when we was just
+pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er after that was from a feller
+that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal
+or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I was in the Western Ocean mail-boat
+service at the time, and so o' course she was off my run altogether.
+
+"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger business
+an' went on the North Sea patrol.
+
+"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o' duty,
+and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They generally
+takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o' foreign
+languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I couldn't
+make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink bad.
+
+"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there was
+a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our work
+cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the _Maria de
+Somethink-or-other_--some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for the
+lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a suddent.
+
+"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen that
+there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I 'ad,
+for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was, too.
+
+"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the _Pearl of
+Asia_; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess she was
+in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop railin's as would
+'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.
+
+"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm goin'
+for'ard a minute.'
+
+"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+right, just like I left it."
+
+He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but it
+lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the girl
+after all?"
+
+"Oh! '_er!_" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er name and
+all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them monkey-boats of
+ELDER DEMPSTER'S--'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever struck."
+
+"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"
+
+He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical expression.
+
+"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it weren't."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_to private told off to act as caddie_). "NOW I
+HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF. HAVE
+YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP, SIR." (_Colonel
+is put off again._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Miss ----, the World-renounced Teacher of Dancing."--_Southern Standard_.
+
+Another victim of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Major-General_ (_addressing the men before practising an
+attack behind the lines_). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (_turning to
+the Regimental Sergeant-Major_) WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?"
+
+_Sergeant-Major_. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO TOWSER.
+
+  No pampered pound of peevish fluff
+  That goggles from a lady's muff
+  Art thou, my Towser. In the Park
+  Thy form occasions no remark
+  Unless it be a friendly call
+  From soldiers walking in the Mall,
+  Or the impertinence of pugs
+  Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.
+  For thou art sturdy and thy fur
+  Is rougher than the prickly burr,
+  Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"
+  (Inherited, but Lord knows how!)
+  Far other than the frenzied yaps
+  That emanate from ladies' laps,
+  Thou art, in fact, of doggy size
+  And hast the brown and faithful eyes,
+  So full of love, so void of blame,
+  That fill a master's heart with shame
+  Because he knows he never can
+  Be more a dog and less a man.
+  No champion of a hundred shows,
+  The prey of every draught that blows,
+  Art thou; in fact thy charms present
+  The earmarks of a mixed descent.
+  And, though too proud to start a fight
+  With every cur that looms in sight,
+  None ever saw thee quail beneath
+  A foeman worthy of thy teeth.
+  Thou art, in brief, a model hound,
+  Not so much beautiful as sound
+  In heart and limb; not always strong
+  When nose and eyes impel to wrong,
+  Nor always doing just as bid,
+  But sterling as the minted quid.
+  And I have loved thee in my fashion,
+  Shared with thy face my frugal ration,
+  Squandered my balance at the bank
+  When thou didst chew the postman's shank,
+  And gone in debt replacing stocks
+  Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.
+  And, when they claimed the annual fee
+  That seals the bond twixt thee and me,
+  Against harsh Circumstance's edge
+  Did I not put my fob in pledge
+  And cheat the minions of excise
+  Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?
+  And thou with leaps of lightsome mood
+  Didst bark eternal gratitude
+  And seek my feelings to assail
+  With agitations of the tail.
+  Yet are there beings lost to grace
+  Who claim that thou art out of place,
+  That when the dogs of war are loose
+  Domestic kinds are void of use,
+  And that a chicken or a hog
+  Should take the place of every dog,
+  Which, though with appetite endued,
+  Is not itself a source of food.
+  What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll
+  Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal
+  That men begrudge us, and we'll take
+  Our leave of bones and puppy cake.
+  Back to the woods we'll hie, and there
+  Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,
+  Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,
+  Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig
+  With practised paw and eager snuffle
+  The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.
+                  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural course of
+    the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its ffllww."--_Star_.
+
+It certainly sounds rather diverting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of gramophone records:--
+
+    "Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the emission of the
+    cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the horn--which might
+    indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."
+
+"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes the
+sender of the extract.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ROAD TO VICTORY."
+
+GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"
+
+ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE ZEPPELINS
+THEY'RE MAKIN'?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM OVER 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAXIS AND TALK.
+
+Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.
+
+Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether or
+not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely reminding
+you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women, tend, even
+in the street and when the thermometer is below freezing-point, to a high
+seriousness rare when the sexes are mingled.
+
+Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and all
+uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other, or
+none at all, I am accompanying him.
+
+_He_ (_looking at his watch_). I've got to be at Grosvenor Gardens by
+half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk fast and
+perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (_He said, as a matter of
+fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print that I shall
+employ alternatives every time. Someone really must institute a close
+season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on the stage; and,
+since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty, that, in the present
+state of the wit market, would be privation indeed._)
+
+_I_ (_submerged by brain wave_). Perhaps we'll meet one.
+
+_He._ Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by half-past
+one, and I hate to be late.
+
+_I._ Those tailors you were asking me about--I think you'll find them very
+decent people. They----
+
+_He_ (_excitedly_). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes, the driver
+    casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling friend._
+
+_He._ I thought it was free.
+
+_I._ The flag was down.
+
+_He._ I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.
+
+_I._ Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change, you know,
+I could----
+
+_He._ Do you mind walking a little faster?
+
+_I_ (_mendaciously_). Not at all. I could give you my card, don't you know.
+But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To me they seem to be
+first-rate, as tailors go.
+
+_He_ (_profoundly--though he is not more profound than I am_). Of course,
+as tailors go.
+
+_I._ They 're best at----
+
+_He_ (_excited again_). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No, it's engaged.
+
+_I_ (_with a kind impulse_). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you whether the
+flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther than you.
+
+_He._ Do.
+
+_I._ I was always rather famous for long sight. It's----
+
+_He (turning round)_). Isn't that one behind us? Is that free?
+
+_I._ I can't tell yet.
+
+_He._ Surely the flag's up.
+
+    [_He steps into the road and waves his stick._
+
+_I._ It's a private car.
+
+_He._ Hang the thing! so it is. They ought to be painted white or
+something. Life is not worth living just now.
+
+_I._ They're best for trousers, I should say. Their overcoats----
+
+_He_ (_pointing up side-street_). Isn't that one there? Hi, taxi! Good
+heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk faster. If there
+isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If there's one thing I
+hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry. When I'm hungry I'm
+miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.
+
+_I._ As I was saying----
+
+_He._ What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on the
+streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of them,
+but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal--a positive outrage.
+
+_I._ Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how it is, but
+they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good in other ways,
+you know, that really if you are thinking----
+
+_He._ Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a noise which
+    sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on._
+
+_He._ Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's that he
+said?
+
+_I._ It sounded like "dinner."
+
+_He._ Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the world coming
+to?
+
+_I_ (_brilliantly_). Perhaps he's hungry.
+
+_He._ Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to take you
+because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway. (_Looking
+at his watch_) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't mind, do you?
+
+_I_ (_more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak_). Oh, no.
+
+    [_We both begin to scuttle, half run and half walk._
+
+_I_ (_panting_). As I was saying, they're not A1 at overcoats, but they've
+a first-class cutter for everything else. Just tell me if you want to
+change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get special treatment.
+There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.
+
+_He_ (_breathlessly_). Ah! There's the rank. There's just one cab there.
+How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run like Heaven.
+
+_I_ (_running like Heaven_). I think I'll leave you here.
+
+_He_ (_running still more like Heaven, a little ahead_). Oh no, come on. I
+want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick like Heaven!
+
+    [_We both wave our sticks like Heaven._
+
+_He_ (_subsiding into a walk_). Ah! it's all right. He's seen us. (_Taking
+out his watch_) I've got four minutes. We shall just do it. Good-bye.
+
+    [_He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I shall get
+    lunch._
+
+_He_ (_shouting from window_). Let me know about those tailors some day; if
+they're any good, you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"
+
+"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."
+
+"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said Mr.
+    Williams."--_Star_.
+
+With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the KING'S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DONKEYS.--Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply M.S."
+          _Advt. in Colonial Paper_.
+
+We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the best
+of luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."
+
+It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had been
+administered to him, that _Anthony_ got there; but we were in Wonderland
+almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were asked to
+believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an ideal which
+no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had caught a
+glimpse of it in the creations of Art--at the Tate Gallery or Madame
+TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.
+
+And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven hundred
+thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married by a
+given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives--a couple of
+sisters and their husbands--to find a wife for him. After vainly trying him
+with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had resort, in
+desperation, to the black art of a certain _Mr. Mortimer John_ (U.S.A.), an
+infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid diagnosis of the case and
+at once pronounced himself confident of success.
+
+Briefly--for it is a long and elaborate story--his scheme is to choose a
+charming girl, and make a film drama round her. _Anthony_, with family, is
+taken to see the show and occupies the best box in the Prince of Wales's
+Theatre, from which, after a little critical comment upon us in the
+audience, he falls in love with the heroine. It is the typical film of
+lurid life on a Californian ranch, and might almost have been modelled on
+one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques. There are the familiar scenes of a
+plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly alternating with scenes of her
+progress on horseback through the primeval forest, and concluding with her
+arrival just in time to shoot the villain and untie the noose that
+encircles her lover's carotid.
+
+On the return of the party from the cinema, _Mortimer John_ describes to
+_Anthony_ the powers of a drug which induces the most vivid of dreams. He,
+_John_, had once been in _Anthony's_ pitiful case, and through the services
+of this drug had achieved his quest of the ideal woman. _Anthony_, greatly
+intrigued, consents to swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple
+narcotic, and under its influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a
+suitable change of apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he
+is restored to animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama
+re-enacted before his eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the
+impression that this is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised,
+he himself takes part in the living drama, playing the noble _role_ of an
+exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+eternal love with _Aloney_ the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of heroic
+self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving the
+heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve this
+end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity which is
+the very breath of the film-drama.
+
+[Illustration: AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.
+
+_Anthony Silvertree_ MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.
+
+_Aloney_ MISS WINIFRED BARNES.]
+
+The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and under
+its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+confronted with the lady of his "dream," and _Mortimer John_ secures a
+colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of selecting
+his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for his
+son-in-law.
+
+The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life into the
+regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to be just
+conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of the scheme
+is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two, though
+lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.
+
+But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was really
+delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a cinema
+hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in Montague
+Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he imagines it
+to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of sacrifices, had a great
+chance. And he took it.
+
+As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the mercenary
+designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very naively and
+prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the most
+discouraging conditions. As _Mortimer John_ Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had
+admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of _Anthony's_
+relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA BILBROOKE was an
+attractive figure, and the part of _Herbert Clatterby_, K.C., was played by
+Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed ease of manner.
+
+If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it would be
+in the matter of the ring which _Anthony_ places on the finger of _Aloney_
+in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act not included in the scheme
+for which _Mortimer John_ was given the credit. Yet as the means by which
+_Anthony_ identified her on his return to consciousness it went far to
+bring that scheme to fruition. I think also that he ought to have shown
+some trace of surprise (I should myself) on finding that he had
+unconsciously exchanged his spotless evening clothes for the kit of a
+broncho-buster.
+
+I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long introduction
+to what is the _clou_ of the play--the film and its reconstructed scenes.
+Why not take a further wrinkle from the cinematic drama and throw upon the
+screen a succinct resume of the previous argument? Three or four minutes of
+steady application to the text, and we might plunge into the very heart of
+things. I throw out this suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in
+part payment of my debt for some very joyous laughter.     O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."      _The Lady_.
+
+This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--]
+
+[Illustration: --WHATEVER HAPPENS--]
+
+[Illustration: --SEE YOU KEEP--]
+
+[Illustration: --THEM HANDS OF YOURS--]
+
+[Illustration: --WELL ABOVE--]
+
+[Illustration: --YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.
+
+  We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;
+  The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;
+  Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn--
+  Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.
+
+  For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;
+  The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;
+  And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,
+  And we were elves in England before the Romans came.
+
+  We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;
+  We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;
+  And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood
+  Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.
+
+  But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,
+  The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;
+  For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,
+  Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OLD GOTHIC.
+
+    [An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we learn
+    from Press quotations published in _The Daily Chronicle_, is raging
+    through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the Interior
+    has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic in the
+    publications of the Statistical Bureau.]
+
+  The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,
+  They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;
+  For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,
+  He is often incurably stupid and dense
+  To the point of allowing his patriot zeal
+  To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.
+
+  An excellent instance of zeal of this sort
+  Is the movement, endorsed by official support,
+  To ban Latin type in the papers that flow
+  From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.
+
+  Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe
+  And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;
+  It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,
+  For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;
+  It adds to the labour of reading, and tries
+  The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,
+  And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid
+  To people engaged in the spectacle trade.
+  But these manifest drawbacks to little amount
+  When tried by the only criteria that count:
+  Though the people who use it don't really need it,
+  It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.
+  It is solid, _echt-Deutsch_, free from Frenchified froth,
+  And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.
+
+  So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau
+  Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,
+  They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope
+  Will be followed beyond its original scope;
+  For the more German books that in Gothic are printed
+  The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,
+  And the larger the number, released from its gripe,
+  Of the students of Latin ideas--and type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames, nicely
+    upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small chairs,
+    walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, L2; 5 other chairs,
+    upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already too
+much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPINBANOLA.
+
+"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."
+
+"Tut tut," said Francesca.
+
+"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are squawking."
+
+"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're much
+too far away."
+
+"Yes, but I know they're squawking--they always are--and for a sensitive
+highly-strung man it's the same thing."
+
+"Tut-t----"
+
+"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in a
+most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."
+
+"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps below
+their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours and a
+half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an acre of
+land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required to----"
+
+"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."
+
+"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half seconds
+to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many men with one
+arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having first extracted
+the square root of the wheel-base."
+
+"Stow it," I said.
+
+"Isn't that rude?" she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."
+
+"Well, but what _are_ you doing?"
+
+"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.
+
+"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a five-per-center,
+and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your difficulty? Surely you
+do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for him.
+I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know my
+difficulties. It's this getting L100 by paying only L95 that's knocking me
+sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan at four per
+cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the conversion of the
+old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the various lots of
+Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but for a man whose
+mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective, it's as bad as a
+barbed-wire entanglement."
+
+"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+money and take what they give you. That's my motto."
+
+"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head of
+the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of households
+ought-to know their exact position."
+
+"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."
+
+"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"
+
+"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+housekeeping----"
+
+"I always knew you got too much."
+
+"And the children have chipped in with their savings."
+
+"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"
+
+"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into the
+Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the Loan--all, that
+is, except Frederick's little all."
+
+"And what's happened to that?"
+
+"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was fascinated
+by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the purchase of
+cartridges, so there it is."
+
+"And at the end of five years he'll get back L1 for every 15_s._ 6_d._ he's
+put in."
+
+"Yes, he'll get L5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."
+
+"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"
+
+"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd _given_ the money for
+cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra after the
+cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about it."
+
+"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall explain to
+him how much _per cent._ he's getting _per annum_."
+
+"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I know
+you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for him; he's
+going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."
+
+"What on earth's put that into his head?"
+
+"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and two
+or three elastic bands. There it is--you'll find its name inscribed on it."
+
+I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it from?"
+
+"Out of his head," she said.
+
+"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"
+
+"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."
+
+"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."
+
+"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."
+
+"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"
+
+"I'll go and stop them," she said.
+
+"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."
+
+  R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN RALEIGH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+    shutters."--_A farmer in "The Daily News."_
+
+And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his windows
+lie fallow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE
+THE CALL SOUNDED?"
+
+_Recruit_. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE TRUMPET
+BLEW, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to _Interlude_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL),
+tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man constituted like
+Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in 1917." Without any
+doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound to add this warning
+(if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such a purpose is not, and
+could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had previously read of Mr.
+MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he shows here. Obviously
+attached to the modern school of novelists, he has many of its faults and
+more of its virtues. One may accept his main point of view, yet be offended
+sometimes by his details. But the fact remains that in _Geoffrey Battersby_
+he has given us a piece of character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not
+for a very long time has it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph,
+and I wish to proclaim it. The women by whom _Geoffrey_, the weak and the
+wayward, was attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr.
+MAIS shows his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has
+within him the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he
+will free himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight
+and clear before him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call their
+new book of short stories _Seen and Heard_ (SMITH, ELDER), with the
+sub-title, _Before and After 1914_. I say short stories, but actually these
+have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of them make up the volume.
+They are all examples of the same gentle and painstaking craft that their
+writers have before now exhibited elsewhere. Here are no sensational
+happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly emotional. My own favourites
+are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a half-ironical study of the
+temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her child to the blessings of
+civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a terrible old woman, the
+queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was overcome. My other choice,
+the last tale in the collection (and the only one contributed by Miss MARY
+FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the regeneration, through poverty
+and hard work, of two underemployed and unpleasant elderly ladies. A
+restful book, such as will keep no one awake at nights, but will give
+pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of ordinary life sketched
+with precise and careful finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Their Lives_ (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of originality, that
+it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the heroine, or rather, I
+should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly speaking, all three
+daughters of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Radmall_ might be said jointly to fill this
+post, but it is _Christina_, the eldest, who fills most of it. The other
+two were named _Virgilia_ and _Orinthia_, and I can't say that these
+horrific labels did them any injustice. As for the story of "their lives,"
+as VIOLET HUNT tells it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a
+history of three disagreeable children developing into detestable young
+women. Perhaps it may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence,
+but I defy anyone to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which
+is (not to mince matters) the attempted seduction by _Christina_ of a
+middle-aged man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to
+nothing. I like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in which
+the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly soured and
+disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough. But what
+unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a quaintly
+attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the book in
+proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship with Prussia.
+Certainly they are almost frightful enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Having read all about _The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan_ (DUCKWORTH) from
+obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I should be
+infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr. ALFRED
+TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even hints
+that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far indeed
+from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If _Ledgar_ had been satisfied to
+marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have been some danger
+of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past, including his
+Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for that, he will have
+to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in store, supported
+only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to revenge on him all the
+irritation which she and I both felt at his attitude of unemotional
+superiority towards all the world. Some people may think it almost a pity
+that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr. SHEPPARD himself in just
+reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of talking about Anti-Christ
+and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents of murder and insanity
+introduced without any excuse of necessity. The book contains a
+considerable element of lively if undiscriminating humour, but its
+insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless his hero's future
+fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one would like to remind
+the author that essays in this kind are the easiest form of all literary
+effort and the least supportable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_With Serbia into Exile_ (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer little from
+the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by several other pens.
+Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh to say, and a very
+fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and himself are both American
+of the best kind--which is to say, wonderfully resourceful, observant,
+sympathetic and alive. From a newspaper flung away by a stranger on the
+Broadway Express, Mr. JONES first became aware that men were wanted for
+relief work in Serbia, and "in an hour I had become part of the
+expedition." That is a phrase characteristic of the whole book. Though the
+matter of it is the story, "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a
+nation going into exile, Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the
+picturesque and even humorous aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense
+of the effective which enables him to touch in many haunting pictures--the
+delusive peace of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face
+of KING PETER seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and
+countless others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author seems
+successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+American cousins will read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Man in the Fog_ (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find exceedingly
+hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several previous stories
+to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the critics to pleasant
+sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to confess that I found _The
+Man in the Fog_ somewhat wheezy company. The _Man_ of the title was a kind
+of Northern Joseph, dismissed from a promising partnership with Potiphar
+after a domestic intrigue on the lines of the original. The fog happens
+when, years later, he meets the daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her
+mother's house, and (at the risk of the poor girl catching her death)
+detains her on the front step with foggy allusions to the mysterious past.
+I may mention that his own conduct in the interval had been such as I can
+only regard as a lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier
+chapters. But it is all vastly serious--it would perhaps be unkind to say
+sententious--and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of comedy. For
+which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY TIGHE was
+either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter, all three).
+In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent my parting
+advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the selection of such
+words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the dialogue in the present
+book is painfully unhuman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE _IS_ THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER
+THERE WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Great Problem Solved.
+
+Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them on
+their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent writes:--
+
+    "In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement excellently suited
+    for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that it shall be at
+    once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a horizontal
+    slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of the coat,
+    and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of linen, the
+    whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off with a
+    flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of ordinary
+    dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may not be
+    acquainted with it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who are
+    fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took the
+    field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+    twenty years with equanimity."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Or even for the duration of the War.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+152, Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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